# Husband walked out literally minutes after getting back from a weekend away....numb..



## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello everyone,
I am a first time poster. I came across this site while looking for some information on why a spouse would just pick up and leave his family.
I have been married 5 years/together close to 9 years to my husband. He has a really bad habit of walking out when there are stress in our life. He usually goes to his parents and stays a few days and when he's ready we talk/he comes home. This has led to some deep resentment by me towards him for doing it and towards his family for letting him every time. His mom says I should just let him to cool off since he has a hot temper. We have a beautiful little boy together who is 4. I have two boys from a previous marriage. He has raised them like his own for 9 years now. We have definitely had our ups and downs in this relationship...mostly over his leaving and anger. He can be horrible when he gets angry. I've gotten to the point where I say things like "well just go to your mommys already" when I know hes about to leave. I know its coming and I think I'm just so angry and resentful for it that I "beat him to the punch". 
All that said, I thought we were doing pretty good as of late. He found out recently that where he works is closing down and he would have to make a decision to stay with the company and move to another area or leave. We were talking about what we would do as a family. The week or two before he left, we had done things like open a new bank account and he had his paychecks direct deposited in to it, filing taxes and making plans on what we were going to do with the money, talking about my birthday...normal things....no talk that would suggest he was leaving. In fact, the weekend he left, we had just spent out of town as a family. We did a lot of fun things as a family together. On the drive home, we talked again about his job, about my birthday that was two days away. Him asking what kind of cake I would like etc. Normal. We got home, the neighbor came over drunk complaining about our dogs barking while we were gone. My husband went outside and started a huge fight with her. When I walked out, he was standing over her calling her terrible names and she right back. I tried to calm the situation...he went inside...I stayed outside to calm her down. When I came in, I said "wtf was that all about?" He said Oh I knew you would take her side, way to stand by your man...thats worth a divorce....literally packed up some things and left just like that. That was 2 1/2 weeks ago. Since then I have tried, possibly obsessively to talk to him. I've called, emailed only to for the most part get no response. When I do it was to say it was my fault. And now its to say that he's doing this for his family because he loves his family 'more than I could know' He has only come to see his son one time since all of this....no phone calls to him or his stepson. 
I feel like such an idiot to even keep trying to reason with him....to get some sort of answers to how he could do this. I sent a final email last night....asking him to please not give up on his family....pouring my heart out. He did send an email back but did not allude to anything I had said that was emotional....but did say he would call me tonight after work. He hasent called....

I wish I were stronger than I am....I feel like a groveling fool begging for his love when he's the one that walked out on his family with no regard at all for me or our children. I should hate him and file for the divorce he seems to want so badly rather than beg him to come back. What is wrong with me? 

Thanks for anyone who made it this far. It's good to have somewhere to write out my feelings. One thing I wont do is give that to him anymore....instead of any caring, he treats me like I'm annoying him....heartless...


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Wow, you're been through a lot. I'm sorry for your pain.

This one is beyond me so I won't offer any advice.

I will tell you you've come to the right place. There are a lot of intelligent caring people here. You'll get some helpful advice soon


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

The devil in me says change the locks.. But the angel in me is telling me give him time & prepare for the up and down.. Sorry u going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Well the devil in me did change the lock...not that he's noticed...was I wrong to do it? I question every move I make....one minute I'm so angry at him and the next I just want him to take me in his arms and tell me its all going to be ok.
My 4 yr old misses him so very much. They were so close....how can he hurt him like this???


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

The more you chase the more he's going to run and if you make it seem like all your fault even if he comes back he'll feel like he can get away with anything. 

Plus the way he was screaming at the neighbor calling her names while it was your dog doing the barking and the neighbor simply making a valid complaint says a lot about how nasty and irrational he is. 

Problem is you rushed into a second marriage, you've got a blended family and the fallout on this one is going to be huge with a whole lot of collateral damage. Time to pull back to the trenches, it's all about damage control and getting on with your life rather than trying to save a sinking ship with an irrational and belligerant captain at the helm.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

My wife left me (well, wanted a divorce, told me to move out, so I did)...we both owned the house, and she changed the locks without telling or asking me.

With that in mind...if his name is on the title....and has no legal reason preventing him from coming over (IE, restraining, or protective order),....then he can kick the door down, smash the window, pick the lock, get a new locksmith to make a new key....you name it. He has every right to enter his own home, there is no law against it without a restraining/protective order.

I'm not saying any of that to scare you or upset you, I'm simply telling you my experience...he probably wont like it, but then again, he was the one that walked away, maybe it'll be an eye opener for him.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Melissa:

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My husband does the same thing whenever there are stressful times -- walks out the door and then goes dark, refusing to take my calls, respond to e-mails, refuses to come see the kids, et cetera -- usually for weeks on end. It is the most frustrating thing to deal with, ever, especially from a "grown man." My husband did this five times last year, with the last time being on Christmas Day, leaving my kids devastated. It took him almost three weeks before he came to his senses and finally called, and that was only because the kids and I were involved in a car accident and I texted him to let him know that I had to file a claim with the insurance company. 

Of course, he wanted to come home and rug-sweep everything and act like he had just gone on a business trip or something. In other words, he wanted us all to pretend that everything was normal and that nothing out of the ordinary had happened. By this time, I was beyond sick of his childish behavior, walking out every time he didn't get his way or things got tough. I insisted that he see a counselor, and I went with him, to make sure we got this issue out in the open. She got onto him and told him that his family was not optional, at least not in the sense that he wanted us to be, and our home did not have a revolving door on it to accommodate his childish outbursts. She told me in front of him, "The next time he pulls this shiiit, go straight to the courthouse and file for divorce. Give him what he wants and refuse to let him come back. Take the option off the table for him and send him on his way." She also made sure to let him know how his behavior would look to a judge when it came to custody and visitation. He was floored that someone other than me was saying the same words. 

After several counseling sessions, and for financial reasons -- in the sense that we have some joint financial things that need taken care of from the recession and can't afford two separate residences right now -- he was able to come back home...but under the condition that if he walked out the door again, it was over. In fact, I have the divorce papers here, sitting on my desk, out in the open, and he has figured out that I am serious. 

Having gone through it so many times, I've found that the more I tried to contact him, the more he pulled back and avoided us....even if contact was legitimate, aka kids' health issues. He just didn't want to hear any of it. BUT the more I pulled back and started moving on with my life and just went about my business, the more willing he was to initiate contact on his own. It's tough to just let them go, wondering WTH happened, and why you are being ignored. Trust me, I know. It's the most devastating thing ever. In fact, Google silent treatment, abuse, and you will better understand just how abusive this behavior is. It literally kills you emotionally being cast aside, made to feel like nothing; times two, because you're watching it happen to the kids, also. 

Anyway, I could ramble forever because this is something that I have a lot to say about , but every time you find yourself wanting to initiate contact with him, take a deep breath and find something else to do. Don't be the bigger person here, because this is not your fault. In fact, stop apologizing and telling him it's your fault. IT IS NOT!!! He chose to walk out the door and handle the situation the way he did. He is the one who owes you an apology and an acknowledgement of the behavior. 

If he does initiate contact and want to come back home, I would strongly suggest that you find a way to get him into counseling so that he can learn better and more productive ways of dealing with his anger and frustration, find ways to turn to you in times of stress instead of away from you. I would also make it very clear that this is a dealbreaker for you -- if, in fact, it is -- and it's not negotiable: The next time it happens will be the last time. 

The counselor said that my husband does this because while he's a grown man, he's got the emotional maturity of a six-year-old and acts accordingly. Not sure if that's the reason for your husband acting this way, but it's something to think about and explore if he comes back home if you want your marriage to last. Otherwise, you are going to be full of resentment, walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off next, and that's no way to live, either. 

I wish you all the best, because this is just a tough situation with no easy answers. Just know that you and your child do NOT deserve to be treated like this and start defining some boundaries to protect yourselves from it in the future because whether he comes home or not, you guys will have to coparent together and you do not want this to be an issue every time it's his turn for visitation.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Hey, I'm going through something somewhat similiar. I am so sorry for what you're going through, it is just awful. I don't have a lot of advice on what you should do, as I am trying to figure that out for myself right now. I am feeling ashamed that I have spent so much of my life and my heart on someone who could coldly turn his back on me, and just trying to pick up the pieces.

Try not to feel ashamed for loving him. There is no shame in caring for someone, even if they don't deserve it. But that doesn't mean he should have the power to crush you. What he is doing is NOT okay. 

Hang in there...you're not alone.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

Hi, Melissa. Sorry about all the stuff that's been going on with you. Some of the things in your post make me think of what I'm going through (and have been through). I'm on 2nd divorce from my only husband. He walked out of the house in October, 2010 supposedly to go to work. Instead, he took off for the weekend with a married nurse, filed for divorce shortly after and is still living next door with his mother. The divorce is hanging and I came to post, but just saw yours and thought I'd share some of what I've learned, whatever happens, stay strong as you can; don't take all the blame!

When your husband walks out and won't communicate back until HE'S good and ready, that's called "stonewalling" (crazy-making, too). Sometimes when people are angry, they know they need to take that "time out" in order not to say things they wouldn't if they were calmer. The major difference is that the angry (but more emotionally mature) person will tell you in some way that is what he is doing. Plus, it doesn't generally take "a few days" or more for a more emotionally healthy person to cool down to the point where they can communicate at some level. There's a book, someone probably knows the name of it; stonewalling is called one of the "4 horsemen" indicating a marriage that may be doomed. 

I wanted to say that first, because it seems clear, when you said he did not allude to anything you said that was emotional, that there is a major disconnect. The last 6 months ot so, my husband would do the stonewalling, which drives me nuts because I like to get problems solved or at least be working on it (they are at least acknowledged). So I would end up talking at him after a time, which never changed anything. I finally started telling him, "a decent man (person) would ... (at least acknowledge me, say that we would deal with it later, try to solve the problem differently." I think it was starting to finally break into my conscious mind that my husband didn't give a darn about me, wasn't a "decent" person, or some of both. We have been through these battles for years, so it's not a problem of his being unaware or uninformed as to his own response. I'm saying that because it sounds like you have some real problems in your marriage and I know people don't always have the awareness of "what they are doing wrong" or why/how it is destructive. Plus, it is hard to change, even when you want to.I'm not saying theses things to get him off the hook, though, either. 

When you said that you would even say "well just go to your mommys already", I'm going to guess that was a sarcastic comment - it sounds like things that used to come out of my mouth. Both an admission of defeat and a hint of strong anger, after I'd tried many times and ways to end the scene differently. Also the fact that he does have that type of relationship with his parents, still, as a grown man, doesn't bode well (to me). I moved 2000 miles to live the last 21 years within 3 miles of HIS parents. He can't break a promise to them, he can't stand up for me (our family) against them or his siblings, either. When he came back from his weekend of "love", trying to play it off like he stayed alone in a motel for a weekend alone to think (I had indisputable proof), I packed an overnight bag and delivered it to him at work the next evening when he got off. Our children were upset and I thought some cooling off time would be good. He went to his brother's for several weeks, then to his mother's, where he's been parked for more than a year. You don't say much about the parents, but I know MY mother-in-law actually reinforces his destructive tendencies. Hopefully, that is not the case with you, but it sounds as if they don't see anything "weird" about a married person "running away" from their marriage AND RESPONSIBILITIES on a regular basis. I guarantee I'm not going to let my children get away with that, if it ever enters their minds. Especially the over and over.

Can you get a legal referral? I was able to take advantage of that through my husband's work EAP. If it does end in divorce, you really want to do things right and protect yourself. I won't go into my (very) long story, suffice it to say, I gave him the divorce he wanted back in 2000, no attorneys and more than fair. Didn't demand settlement right away, etc. It was all calm, then it was over and the grief began. From being forced to sign a quitclaim to get ANY money to sporadic visitation with yelling/screaming/threats/to being dragged into Court with him trying to get restricted, supervised visitation ... You need GOOD information and some sort of strategy. It would be fantastic if you could sit down with an attorney and explain that you don't want a divorce (that's the impression I'm getting), but that it might be inevitable (at some point) and you want to get information that will help in either scenario. 

You don't say much about your own support system there, but if you are feeling relief by being able to write out your feelings here, I am guessing that you are not in therapy and that there aren't many people who you can share your feelings and problems with. That is something that you really need to have. Personally, I'm in therapy and I (finally) have some family and friends with whom I can share some personal stuff with - they can listen and be supportive; they neither tell me what to do or tell me that "it'll work out (be ok)" and they really aren't judgmental of him, making me feel forced to defend him and then totally second-guessing myself. I don't talk with friends/family a whole lot about the situation, because I don't want burn out my support OR be "her" (the one everyone tries to avoid because they are going to be subjected to the melodrama of the week). You could start by looking around to see what's available. I went to a support group (different issue) several years ago that was fantastic, because I could really see people making positive changes and they were getting ahead in life. Plus, hearing other people going through some of the same things as me but getting through and beyond - it was very motivational and comforting. A good therapist, on the other hand, can help you unravel where you are "the problem" (where you are doing some self- or marriage- sabotaging) and and where other difficulties are likely originating from, also finding different ways to deal with the problems you are encountering. 

I'm sorry if I sound pessimistic about your marriage; I'm likely a little oversensitive to certain things, myself. I took all the blame for the longest time, I was the pursuer and I have sacrificed, given up or had things taken from me for years.I know there are likely to be a lot of differences in our situations and I hope that things turn out well for you. That was my hope for my marriage, as well. I had stopped going to therapy about a year before my husband took off, because I was doing well and successful therapy ... well, it means you can handle life without it! My therapist had occasionally commented on my husband previously when I was relating about things going on, but we never delved into it. But his comments came back to me when this all came up and my husband seemed stuck on his course of action. It seems my husband has traits of a personality disorder (or an actual personality disorder). I was able to make enough changes in the way I related that my adaptations were the glue that held things together (when we got back together). I'm not really sure as to why the glue "broke" now, but I can honestly say that I have tried everything reasonable to make things work and I can also honestly say that giving in to his demands/expectations would be self-destructive to me. I offered to go through formal or informal mediation when he decided to divorce, but he got an attorney to "wap" me. Unfortunately, things haven't gone his way this time around, but it's still a unpleasant situation to be stuck in. I'm hoping that some of what I've shared or what others have to share can help you from getting into a similar predicament.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

The book referred to by dadda11o is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you Google "Four Horsemen, stonewalling," it will bring up some bullet points of all four horsemen and ways to remedy the situation. Love John Gottman's work!!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

nomoretogive,
thank you so much for your post. I truly think my marriage is over. He is at my parents house where they ask no questions, no repercussions for his actions...its where he always goes. He has said in on uncertain terms that he is done...though I have been obsessive about calling and demanding an explanation....he calls it guilt..and says he wont take any more guilt msgs/calls from me. No feeling about how much hurt there is. The only kind thing he has done is leave the joint bank acct open so I can pay the bills.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

thank you for your advice. I'm sure he'll never even notice the lock as he won't come by....he would have to confront what he did and hes not very good at that.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

quicksilver,
thank you for your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It amazes me how someone who seemed to have loved you so much can seemingly turn it off in an instant and have no regard for the pain you're feeling...like its annoying or frustrating to them to have to hear about it!


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## justwhy (Dec 7, 2011)

don't worry when mine did come. he kicked it down. text me at 2am today to say " sweet dreams, i miss you" .. guess what ignore. after 3 weeks.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

I feel your pain, my wife left me without explanation. I tried for 3 month to get her back. As a father I dont understand your husband I have 4 year old boy. Who means world to me. He stays with me 4 times a week. I drive every day 25 miles one way in the morning (1hour worth of traffic) just to have breakfast with him. And every night in traffic to say good night (when he is not with me)

As a men I made a lot of mistakes (mostly due to the age) I am 30. The only mistake I will never make is seeing my son every single day at any cost. My parents left me when I was 4 years too. I am now 30 financially successful, and stable. Everytime they see me once a month they say I am so-so sorry. 

I hope it will work out between you and your husband, but now you will see his other side. When I saw my wife other side. I said dont ever call me, or talk to me.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Melissa:

I don't want to give you false hope that there is a chance that your husband will change his mind, but I will tell you that even though he says he is done it doesn't necessarily mean he is. It might be too soon for him to consider coming back home, or any number of other things...from his side of things, anyway. 

When my husband left on Christmas, once we finally talked, he said he was done also. He told me he wanted a divorce and he did not want to be married to me anymore. Even though he has done lots of dirty things and said worse things, he had never uttered the D word before, ever. I thought he was dead-serious. He said all of the same things -- that he felt suffocated by my contact, that he felt guilty for leaving and realizing what he did -- on and on and on and on. 

As for him staying at his parents' house, sure, that works for right now...but it's not likely to be a "forever" thing. Eventually, they will tire of him or he will tire of living at home again, and will be faced with, "What do I do now?" I say this because my husband first was staying with a friend. The first time he left it was for almost two months. After eight weeks, this friend was wanting his space back, encouraging my husband to find alternative arrangements, et cetera. The second and third time he left, he went back to this friend's house. Guess what happened the fourth time? The friend wouldn't let him come back. These men don't seem to understand that just because their parents' or a friend's house is convenient for them when they run, they quickly wear out their welcome. It might take longer for him since he is staying with his parents, but even if they are permissive and love having him around right now, I doubt it will be a forever situation. One of them will get sick of the other, sooner or later. 

Again, it's hard, especially if you don't want the divorce, and it's easy to feel out of control, like you have to wait for him to figure out the direction of your marriage. That just isn't so. You can tell him, "Fair enough. I do not want a divorce and would love to work things out with you. However, I will not live my life in limbo keeping the door open for you to return home. If you are certain that a divorce is what you want, I need to take steps to protect myself and our child, which means I will be filing first thing on Monday morning for temporary child support and custody orders. Would you like me to have you served at your parents or some other address?" Put the ball in his court and let him know you've come to the game ready to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your child. 

You absolutely have some control in this situation, even when it feels like you have none. You have the ability to define some new boundaries that say unequivocally that you will not tolerate this behavior and treatment from him any longer. You can at any time decide that YOU will not wait for HIM and take the first steps in filing legal papers to protect yourself and your child. We teach people how to treat us, and if there are no consequences for his behavior -- like my husband, for way too long! -- the behavior just continues, and often gets worse, because we have let them know that we will take anything they dish out at us and there will be no consequence. 

So I would contact him one last time with something along the lines of what I said above. If he is still an a$$, I would file for temporary orders first thing Monday. Remember, just because you file paperwork doesn't mean you will be divorced by Wednesday. What it will do, however, is open his eyes that YOU are not going to sit around and wait for him to decide when to come home again, just to allow him to continue treating you guys this way; that you are serious about being done with HIM. 

For some reason with these stubborn types, our taking steps is a game-changer in their minds. Once we send the message that they don't call all the shots, it tends to wake them up a little bit. Like I said, I have divorce papers filled out and ready to go sitting on the corner of my desk all the time. Cruel, maybe? But it's a constant reminder that his behavior will not be tolerated any longer. So far it seems to have worked wonders. 

If it turns out that your husband, in fact, does not come home, it's going to be tough for a while...but you and your child will be better off in the long run. You deserve someone who is going to treat you with respect and who loves you unconditionally -- through thick and thin; remember those vows?!!! -- and your son deserves a father who will be there through it all, not one who runs and has no or very limited contact unless it's convenient for him. 

Keep your chin up and know that as much as this sucks right now, you have a wonderful opportunity right now to redefine this part of your life. Either your husband will rise to the challenge and become a better man, husband and father through the process, or you will learn that you are better off without him and be able to move on and restore same sanity to your life and the life of your child. 

Read the 180 and start implementing it, just to help yourself become stronger and more empowered and to put some distance between you two. If it helps bring your husband home and opens the doors to a more fulfilling marriage, all the better. Take your child this weekend and do something really fun. Do NOT sit at home and pine over this man all weekend long. That's what he wants you to be doing. 

Big hugs!! You can do this!!!


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

LexusNexus-
I am so sorry you had to go through so much. You sound like you are a wonderful father and I only hope that my husband will realize what he is doing and at the very least start being a dad to our son and his stepsons. Our little boy misses him so very much. Yesterday he told me that his daddy was supposed to come and see him that day. I knew he wasent so tried to let my son know this. He still talked about it all day...when my older son was playing a game, he asked him "are you going to play until our daddy comes to visit?" It breaks my heart and if I dare say anything to my husband about it he says I am trying to make him feel guilty and hangs up on me. I'll never understand...he acted as though he adored his son....treated him like gold. How could he just vanish from his life??


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thank you so much for your post. It's exactly what I needed today. You mentioned a book called the 180? Could you give me the author...I've never heard of it...would love to read it.


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

The 180 isn't a book per se, although I think it's part of the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy book that is highly regarded in situations like these. It is more of a way of being, how to act with spouses who are acting the way your husband is. Essentially, it's a list of ground rules of how to conduct yourself going forward, with the main goal being to help you regain your self-esteem and start detaching and begin to move on. It's all about things to do to make yourself stronger in this situation. It has the added benefit a lot of times of encouraging a wayward spouse to return to the marriage and work on reconciliation. I know it's all over this forum as part of many threads. I did find an external link, though, too, that sums it up. 

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Melissa:

One other thing and then I will shut up 

Regarding your husband's relationship with the boys, I too know how you are feeling right now. You want more than anything for him to step up and have a good relationship with them. Chances are, though, he's just not going to do it. This is one of the other things I talked with the counselor about. This is what she told me, "I completely understand, as a mother myself, that you want him to have a relationship with his sons and that you are doing everything you can to encourage that. But you have to step back, as much as it hurts you, and make him responsible for his own damn relationship with the boys. You cannot make him be a good dad. That's something he needs to do on his own. What you can do, however, is find good male role models for your boys so that they have a positive father figure in their lives." 

Taking her advice, I signed both boys up for a Big Brother through Big Brothers and Big Sisters, and have had them spend more time with a neighbor of ours who is fabulous with them -- doing projects with them, teaching them manly things, throwing the football with them, et cetera. 

I will tell you that it ticks my husband off to no end every time the Big Brother comes or the boys are off with the other gentleman doing things. It hasn't ticked him off enough yet though that he's stepped up his own game and tried to do better Maybe they aren't capable? 

As for my husband, his dad abandoned the family when he was just six, so he has no idea what he should be doing and no interest in learning. Even so, I refuse to let his inability to do his job as a father affect my boys for the rest of their lives. Like I tell him, "You can be ticked all day long that I've put these things in place. I'm ticked and so are the boys that you can't be the one filling that role. As soon as you step it up and begin acting like a father, I will wean them off the Big Brother and the neighbor guy. Until then, it is what it is. You are the only one who can change it." 

So if your husband just won't do his job as a father and do right by your sons, you have lots of options there, too, to make sure your boys have a good male role model in their lives.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

hisfac said:


> The more you chase the more he's going to run and if you make it seem like all your fault even if he comes back he'll feel like he can get away with anything.
> 
> Plus the way he was screaming at the neighbor calling her names while it was your dog doing the barking and the neighbor simply making a valid complaint says a lot about how nasty and irrational he is.
> 
> ...


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

nomoretogive said:


> The book referred to by dadda11o is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman. If you Google "Four Horsemen, stonewalling," it will bring up some bullet points of all four horsemen and ways to remedy the situation. Love John Gottman's work!!


Thanks for posting that information, nomoretogive! I couldn't think of the author OR title last night ... brainfry from prolonged stress.


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## 4821 (Nov 3, 2011)

A step-father is not responsible for your kids in a previous marriage. The father of those kids is responsible. 

Some step-fathers love to be involved, pay for things, and take care of them as their own kids. That can be good, but the kids can end up resenting the step-father. Especially if the step-father starts to take charge and make the rules for them. 

You are their mother. You need to keep that role with them. If they love him enough and he loves them enough to adopt them as his own - then he can be their father.

Do your kids love him? Like him? What do they think of him coming and going? And seeing his anger?


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

nomoretogive,
I'm sorry I don't even know your name. Your posts are amazing and giving me so much resolve to stop this game of being the victim to his abuse. I read the link to the 180 and though I knew these things in my head it helps so much to actually have a list to look at, think about...utilize. I have a lot going on right now...I returned to school almost 2 years ago and am at the final leg of it....I took medical assisting/phlebotomy and am about to start my externs which will keep me busy (ie less time to obsess!) My little one will be starting preschool while I'm doing my externs so thats exciting for him. I sent my last email yesterday....If I have to tie my hands up I will resist calling/emailing/msging. I'm not ready to file anything with the courts but I do understand that it would be a bold move and put his games out in the open...put up or shut up.....I'm just not there yet. But I can move on with my life and stop being so pathetic where he is concerned. 
Maybe he'll figure out the grass isnt so green and maybe he won't...but its definitely time for me to stop trying to convince him. 

I am so glad to have found this website. You seem so strong and it is rubbing off a bit here...thank you.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

you are right that he is not responsible legally for them but he has raised them and been a part of their lives for 9 years. I would think that responsible or not he would feel some emotion to let them know it wasent them and he would still be around.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

At the end its for you to decide if you going to be together or not. My father left me when I was 4, I was waiting for him everyday, and he came back when I was 27. I love him because he is my father but I dont respect him as a men. Take your little boy to Home Depot or Lowes. 
Men can divorce his wife because it didnt work out, but he can never leave his kids. They rely on him, in their little minds they think it their fault. It doesnt matter that he is not father of your other 2 kids he still chose to raise them. When your kids grew up they will appreciate so much you did for them.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

thank you Lexus. Right now after two failed marriages (the first was 14 yrs and the second...this one we've been together 9 yrs) I'm beginning to wonder what it really means to have a partnership if when one is done, they just leave. The other doesnt get a say...I dont get to say no...I want this marriage...if one wants out they're out. 

This time of day is the worst for me....I've been strong all day...but this time of day is when he'd be home...we'd be having dinner as a family...my little one with his huge eyes ....play with me daddy! Will you play star wars with me? He would wait all day for this time with his daddy. I'm trying so hard not to break down for my kids but I feel broken...


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## nomoretogive (Oct 29, 2011)

Melissa,

I'm at work, but I just saw your last post and remember going through the same thing myself with my boys. The end of "his" workday would come, and it was like the house grew in size, and the silence was deafening. It was just so weird because he should have been walking in the door so we could begin our evening as a family....and well, he wasn't doing that anymore. 

We did that look at the door, hope and pray thing for about three days this last time. Then I realized that no matter how well we all did with the rest of our day, once 5:00 came it was like the life was sucked out of us as we were all faced with the fact that we had been abandoned. I, of course, was emotional in many ways, but so were the boys. They couldn't believe that he wasn't walking in the door to see them, at least.

After the third day, I was determined that something had to give. I would take the boys to McDonald's for dinner; we did half-price night at the local indoor amusement place; we went and had dinner with family....anything to get us out of the house and make getting through the evening easier. By the time we got home, we were all full and tired, and ready to wind down for the evening. That made it a little easier to cope in those first few days. 

After that, we just established a new routine. The kids helped me with dinner, we blared the music and did our chores. We had family game night every night, where we would sit down and play board games together. In other words, we had to create a new normal. 

Maybe doing something similar would help you and the boys get through the worst of this -- which is always the first few days after it happens. It's a good time, what with you getting ready to do your externships and the little guy going to preschool -- a lot of newness will be going on already. Create an evening routine that keeps you all upbeat and happy, rather than focusing on the emptiness. Every little bit helps, and every day it gets easier. I promise!! You are going to do great, and your kids will always remember you as their rock during the most difficult time of their lives.


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## melissa68 (Feb 10, 2012)

Thats really good advice...and I have been trying in small ways to make sure we're out when he should be coming home...it hits so hard...it nearly takes my breath aways and I can't stop the tears as much as I try. BUT its just a few tears today and I've stopped myself from msging or calling today...progress...one minute at a time....


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## Starfish girl (Feb 6, 2012)

I'm with you Melissa, one minute I'm strong, one minute I want to text him. It is one minute at a time for me too. I'm so sorry we have to go through this.


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