# Feedback needed from the ladies - Please!



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Hello ladies,

I have been separated (for 9 1/2 months), from my wife of whom I've been married for 21 yrs. We went to counseling for several months, before the separation occurred, but the issues resurfaced and now we're on the verge of divorce.

This is what puzzles me; my wife says she doesn't want a divorce and wants our marriage to work. She even bought a few books (including the "Fireproof" book on 40 things to do in 40 days to make your marriage work), but she's not/and hasn't made an effort to try any of the suggestions in them on me, to win me back and renew our relationship.

My question is; if you really loved your husband and wanted to save your marriage, would you practice the advice you read and/or see in books or videos?

We've had many discussions about our issues, to try and resolve them, but so far it hasn't worked. I have a hard time connecting with her and she thinks I'm bent on divorcing her, but she's not really doing much about it to save the relationship. She's just reactive and not proactive.

I wonder at times if she really wants the relationship to work. What are your thoughts?


----------



## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

Maybe she is waiting for you to practice the advice from the books.
If she says she doesn't want the divorce, and feels you are bent on divorcing her, you need to convince her otherwise.


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I don't think she is waiting for me to practice the advice from the books, because she bought the books for herself and hasn't offered me to read them. I have tried to be kind, lovable and give to her, but to no avail. Even though she says she has forgiven me for past mistakes, she still holds resentment and grudges against me for things I said to her years ago. She rarely hugs me or displays affection. We have a sexless marriage as well, that I'm sick of. It's been this way for years.

She actually prompted me to move out when we separated. When I did, she was devastated and thought I was going to file for divorce right away. That was 9 1/2 months ago, and the divorce still hasn't been filed, because I have been trying to work the issues out with her (while separated). Unfortunately, it appears she wants me to move back in and continue the way we were. She said she'd try to be more kind and lovable, but I don't think it will last. It didn't after all the previous counseling sessions.

I'm going to give our separation a full year and if things haven't improved for both of us then we need to divorce and move on with our lives. It can't continue like this...

Any ideas?


----------



## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

are you living together now?
have you tried going back to basics and taking her on a date ?
sending flowers for no reason letting her know you want to fight to save your marriage if you do .
maybe she need you to show her you want to save your marrige first


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

No we aren't currently living together. We have been separated for 9 1/2 months now. 

We have been on a date once or twice since we've been separated. Here's the problem though; The date thing is fine, if we ignore and don't discuss the issues, however, the issues (many of them), are still lingering. If I move back in, they would rear their ugly head and I believe, (unless resolved somehow), we would be getting separated again or divorced. The bottom line is; my wife thinks I need to love her uncondtionally no matter what, such as the way she talks to me and the kids, etc...

If I think she's out of line, she claims I'm verbally abusive to her if I say something. No matter how calm or rational I try to talk to her she gets on the defensive most of the time. This is just one of the issues.

I have sent her many flowers in the past and only got a Thank you (rarely if ever a hug and kiss for them). I could try that again, but there again it may not go over well.

The issues are numerous and my wife has fought some mental illness (from a very abusive childhood), through the years, so it has culminated to what it is today. Separation with possible divorce in the future.

I could list many positive traits about my wife that I love and appreciate and I've told her. However, there are so many relationship/love killer traits that she has, that I question if our marriage is salvagable, even if I did try.

This is where we're at...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

You've probably written this before but have you written down ten very specific things, not related to sex, that you want from her? Have you asked her for ten very specific things she wants from you? You could give them to her and if she doesnt make an effort to do them in the next three months, then i guess you have your answer.


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Yes, I have actually given her a list of 12 things that she needs to work on to make the marriage work. I also mentioned, as well, that I could do better in several of the areas.

Her reply was; I was at fault in those areas and she'd do her part OR try her best in a few of the areas. However, I'm not fully convinced this will work, because it didn't before, after all the previous counseling sessions we'd been through. She said that if we get back together, i can't be watching every move she makes or what she says. I can't go along with that totally, because of how she acts (at times), or things she may say to me or to the kids that I have a need to call her on, if she's out of line.

Bottom line; I can't stand an abuser and If she thinks I'm (which she has), emotionally or mentally abusive to her, then we need to end the relationship. She has an anger problem at times and gets on the defensive very easily and has a difficult time realizing & apologizing when she's wrong. Many times I cannot reason with her...


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

it kind of sounds like you already made up your mind about what you want to do.


----------

