# Told her I want out because I'm unhappy. She hates me now. Am I a selfish person?



## peterkv (Apr 3, 2021)

Hello there,

We've been together for 15 years. We have two kids, 6 and 8. Absolutely love them both. Not married but we are (were?) engaged. I'm 35 and she's 34.

I gotta say I don't feel happy in this relationship and it's been like that for a while... Lack of intimacy, lack of mutual interests. I felt the spark was gone and that we were on autopilot. We rarely had fun. Always the same routine. No family portraits, no interest in my life, no pictures of me or our kids on her social networks. I don't feel like she's proud of her family. She doesn't ask question about my day. It's like she doesn't care. I ask about hers, but she never ask about me.

Chores are split up 50/50. I feel like I take care of the kids more than her. I drop them to school in the morning and get them in the afternoon. I help them with their homeworks, prepare their baths, play with them, talk with them. She buys their clothes, school supplies, go to medical appointments with them.

When she's at home, she often cooks and do the laundry. The rest of the time she spends it on her phone. The kids tell me it makes them sad because she never play with them. She's replicating her parents behavior because her parents rarely played with her when she was young. Her family rarely call her or invite her. She's jealous of her sister because her parents visit them all the time. I feel bad for her...

She is also constantly fighting with her job. I try to be supportive, told her that she might have depression but she denies it and tells me that everything is fine but she is just sick of her job. As of today, she's been on paid medical leave for a month now. She won't tell me exactly why, but she said her doctor signed her medical leave. Everything in her life is so complicated...

Home is a mess because she won't clean up her things. Been like that since the day we met. She wouldn't clean up and she would buy/keep too much stuff. We have 2 fridges in the kitchen, both of them are full of her food. The countertops are full of her stuff. Bags laying on the ground. Boxes of baby clothing, toys, you name it. She won't get rid of it. "I'll do it later". But later never comes. And she doesn't want me to get rid of anything. I told her I could give some clothing to charity, she doesn't want to, she wants to sell it.

So one day last summer she came back from getting groceries and told me she wanted to move out and get her own house to have some time for herself and get a break. At first she wanted us to stay together but live apart together but I said that I don't think this would work. We "agreed" on splitting. I was bummed and really sad, but I came to the realization that this maybe was what I wanted to but didn't have the balls to tell her. She said "You must hate me because I'm breaking the family!" I said no, no. We hugged, we cried, we talked like adults.

Weeks went by and we were both really cool with it. A nice, amicable split. 50/50 custody. Sounded like a plan!

She started visiting houses and finally made an offer to buy it. It was the only interesting house in the area she could afford. Unfortunately for her, it was sold to someone else.

She was really bummed and afterwards we had a big emotional talk. We agreed that we wanted to give us another try and things went really nice for a few weeks. Lots of sex, cuddling. She was in a good mood. I can tell she made efforts cleaning her things but it was minimal.

Then, a few months later, I started feeling like something was missing... again. Then started thinking about living on my own. Everything we had an argument, she told me "Get the hell outta here and get your own house"

I started really thinking about it. Made lists of pros and cons. Told her numerous times I feel burnt out, unhappy with our family life and sometimes I wish I could live on my own, in my own house, and have 50/50 joint custody. "Well, do it! Buy your own house!". I thought she wanted that. She told me I was depressed and that I should see a doctor. I'm not depressed! I know how I feel...

So, present day. I've been contemplating the idea of leaving her for a few months now. I still love her, but not like it was before. I was cold and distant to her for a few weeks now. She asked "do you love me?" many times a day. Couldn't tell her the truth.

A few days ago, after an argument (she was yelling at the kids again), I told her again I'm not 100% happy and I would like to have my own place. She said "well consided myself single as of now! If I don't come back and I sleep somewhere else, that will be your problem!" She hid her facebook relationship status and told me that she might install Tinder and get hookups. I said nothing.

Following day, after another argument, I told her I started looking at houses. She asked "are you serious? That's what you really want? You really want to leave?" I said "I don't know... maybe.... yes I do"

She broke down in tears, screamed at me, told me she believed things were getting better between us. "You told me you wanted to get married, that we would give ourselves a second chance. I believed you! It was all ********!" She cried, flipped the bird, told me she hates me to death and wished she never met me. She said you'll end up dying alone in your own house and you will never hear from me again. You will be so relieved to not have me around! That's what you want, you're breaking the family, you will be happy alone without me!"

She's been giving me the cold shoulder for days now. She doesn't eat at all. She doesn't even touch her phone. She doesn't want me anywhere near her. She doesn't talk to the kids except when she's screaming at them. She's not taking care of them at all. I gotta do everything on my own and she lays in the bed, crying and looking at me with disgust.

I feel like the worst person on earth right now. It makes me feel like I'm an egoistical man because I told her I was not happy anymore and that I wanted to live alone! I did not want hookups or to date, I just wanted to be alone! I just want to live in a clean house, without any clutter. I want to have a cleane house like everyone else. I want out. I don't want to hear negativity all the time. Does that make me an asshole? I didn't want war. Why is she acting that way?


Manipulation? Emotional blackmail? How should I act?



Thank you....


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think you aren't happy and so staying would be dumb and marrying would be idiotic. Both of you eventually will be better off apart.

I think she was stupid to have kids with you. 
Go ahead an try to get full custody since you like the kids more and give them more attention.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She wants a breakup to be on her terms and not yours.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Not marrying her from the beginning made her feel unwanted.

All those years you fought against her, not for her.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I dunno ... I wouldn't feel too guilty about wanting to get out of a relationship with an emotionally-stunted, immature person. At least that's how you're describing her.

So what if she thinks you're the biggest douche to ever live? You're not happy, you're not fulfilled, and you want out. So leave. BE TRUE TO YOURSELF.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Not marrying her from the beginning made her feel unwanted.
> 
> All those years you fought against her, not for her.


I kinda thought something similar. I know many relationships that have been damaged by the slow drag to get married. Usually it is only one of the partners who don't want to get married that is like a constant form of rejection for the other partner even when they claim their ok it builds resentment.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There's a reason you never married her. (now the courts aren't really going to care, they are going to divide up your assets and determine child custody and support anyway, but that is another topic) 

You have commitment issues. You haven't committed to marriage and working things out (i'm not sure you even can work out crazy, but again, that's another issue) But neither have you committed to breaking up and moving on. 

You've said you want to be on your own, but have you packed any boxes? Have you looked for another place? 

You've told her you want out. You've avoided her questions on if you love her. But yet, there you are in. ....in the house. Every day. 

What is she supposed to think? Should she get a lawyer and start working on her separation plan? Should she get on Tinder and start dating? Should she start preparing the kids to be shuffled from one house to the next every few days?

Or should she be working on trying to keep the relationship together since you are still there. 

I'll be honest, your kinda acting like a chick here. Your b1+ching that the house isn't clean and she isn't doing enough with the kids and you are threatening to leave and that you need space and to find yourself and that you want your own clean place ..... but yet you don't want her mad at you and you want her assurances that she still loves you and will be devoted to you ....and you aren't actually doing anything to carry out your threats of leaving. You are wanting her to pack your bags and find you a place and pat you on your head and tell you to have fun and enjoy your new pad and that she will be by to pick up the kids and keep them entertained while you relax and clear your head. - Those are all chick behaviors and chick attitudes. 

You really haven't manned up here. You haven't made any decisions. You haven't plotted any course or made any plans. You haven't taken any definitive actions. You haven't made any plans for the kid's future or how they will be taken care of. 

You haven't done anything except complain and then want reassurance that no one is upset or mad at you. 

Now, does she sound crazy and insufferable and sound like you'd be in your right to leave? YES!

BUT, are you making her crazy??

It's kinda like she's living with another chick and chicks drive each other crazy. That's why it's men and women that have kids and raise families together. 

My advice is attach the balls. Make a decision. Make a plan to ensure everyone is housed, clothed, fed, warm and safe. Communicate the plan so that everyone knows what the course the ship is on and what it's destination is and everyone knows what their jobs and responsibilities are. Then execute the plan and make it happen. 

Make a commitment and follow through. Stay or go. Crap or get off the pot. 

My guess is she's crazy because you've been noncommittal and acting like a lesbian with a penis for 15 years. Put the balls on. Make some hard decisions and some difficult plans and follow through and everyone will be saner and happier in due time whether you remain together or whether you split up.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> There's a reason you never married her. (now the courts aren't really going to care, they are going to divide up your assets and determine child custody and support anyway, but that is another topic)
> 
> You have commitment issues. You haven't committed to marriage and working things out (i'm not sure you even can work out crazy, but again, that's another issue) But neither have you committed to breaking up and moving on.
> 
> ...


I take offense at this. He's acting like a male and a coward not a chick. I know plenty of women who when unhappy and doing more and such and such and such have filed for divorce. That's why more women file for divorce then men. He won't leave until some other chick is willing to take him. He doesn't really want to be alone. Or he's screwed this relationship up with the lack of commitment and the passive aggressive behavior. She may have just said some of the that stuff to get his attention (also passive aggressive) but she'll be on tinder before he even looks at a house.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Anastasia6 said:


> I take offense at this. He's acting like a male and a coward not a chick. I know plenty of women who when unhappy and doing more and such and such and such have filed for divorce. That's why more women file for divorce then men. He won't leave until some other chick is willing to take him. He doesn't really want to be alone. Or he's screwed this relationship up with the lack of commitment and the passive aggressive behavior. She may have just said some of the that stuff to get his attention (also passive aggressive) but she'll be on tinder before he even looks at a house.


Oh he's screwed the relationship up, I will definitely agree with you there. 

And it's statistical fact that the vast majority of women file for divorce. No argument there either. 

But how long do they act like the OP before they finally file/leave? Often it is years. 

And monkey branching is a predominantly female behavior. 

To me he is complaining about housekeeping and kid involvement and making threats but then worrying about making her mad and her not liking him and not actually doing anything about leaving. That just seems chicklike to me. 

Now I will concede that she was at least looking at other houses previously. Maybe she has more actual giblets than he does. Or maybe he is driving her to the edge of sanity until she pulls the plug - which also seems chick-like to me.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is it possible that you’ve taken much of the control with the kids and she feels useless rather than lazy? 

Did you maybe first push her to find a place and separate, hoping that she would leave first so you wouldn’t have to take that step and the hard work that goes into making those big adult moves?

I could be totally wrong? 

We have a split here where I don’t currently work and do almost everything at home, bills etc. 

But I always remember to factor my husband in the ALL of the decisions, ask his opinion and let him be a part of all this. On his days off, I back away and let him shop, cook, take the kids to school and I don’t instruct him on how any of it should be done. And sometimes he just wants to do nothing and sit and stare at his phone, that’s ok too. 

We all want to be our own person and be useful and part of this thing we call family. Especially the day to day boring bits. Sometimes we just have no motivation either. 

Could you take a step back and see her potential?

Or are you just really done?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> I take offense at this. He's acting like a male and a coward not a chick. I know plenty of women who when unhappy and doing more and such and such and such have filed for divorce. That's why more women file for divorce then men. He won't leave until some other chick is willing to take him. He doesn't really want to be alone. Or he's screwed this relationship up with the lack of commitment and the passive aggressive behavior. She may have just said some of the that stuff to get his attention (also passive aggressive) but she'll be on tinder before he even looks at a house.


This is what I was thinking 😂


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think you have major communication problems that have not been addressed on either side. After 15 years & 2 kids I'm sure she resents the fact that you aren't married yet. You won't marry her because you aren't getting anything else out of the relationship. 

I do think you could possibly fix this with counseling. She sounds pretty immature so that will have to be addressed.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

The bigger picture - you are both screwing your children up. You are both destructive people that are more concerned with yourselves than your children. Neither one of you deserves a pass with this as you've both engaged in the same activity. She chose to leave the family first, now give her what she wants and be free of this miserable lifestyle.


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## peterkv (Apr 3, 2021)

A few years ago, the relationship was good. Apart from the early-almost-hoarding, we had fun. 
When we had kids, everything went south. 

Some days, I think I am happy. Some days, I think she isn't. 

Before she announced me that she wanted a new house, I found out that she asked for for advice on the internet. "When to know its time to leave? Something is broken, I don't know what but I think I'm not happy anymore".

It has nothing to do with marriage. Marriage isn't part of our lives. She didn't feel unwanted. I didn't fight against her. We used to laugh at marriage. 

oldshirt, I didn't screw up the relationship. Maybe her budding emotional affair a few years ago did. 

I do take action on leaving. I moved my company office to a commercial office. She said she is moving out, so I keep the house. Yet she doesn't do anything. 

I did not take too much control with the kids. The kids come to me because she's yelling at them and spending time on her phone instead of playing with them. 

We are not screwing up our children. I want the BEST for them. There are the most important persons here.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The repeated threats to leave is manipulative and at the least annoying. Either do or don't. Just stop with the threats. It's immature.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

peterkv said:


> A few years ago, the relationship was good. Apart from the early-almost-hoarding, we had fun.
> When we had kids, everything went south.
> 
> Some days, I think I am happy. Some days, I think she isn't.
> ...


Yes you both are. Children do not fare well with instability which is what your relationship is, unstable. What you both have created is a dysfunctional household. I fail to see how your children are being treated as the most important within this family dynamic.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children observe everything that goes on, good or bad.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> Yes you both are. Children do not fare well with instability which is what your relationship is, unstable.


The guy just said he wants to remove his kids from this mess. Geez, sometimes I wonder if people actually read posts before commenting.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Your indecisive...... that never works well for anyone much less a man. Decide what you want and do it. Your waffling around like a leaf in the wind. You don’t need anyone’s permission.... stand up and do it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

1. Stop focusing on how you FEEL, “I’m just not 100% happy” etc. You sound like an emotionally driven woman. You don’t even seem to have a clear vision of what you want, just that you’re not happy. Figure out the path you want for your life and your family, and start being a leader. Right now you’re not acting like one. It’s your job to lead your “wife” in the relationship and your family. Start doing it.

2. She is manipulating you, stop allowing it. She can’t make you feel like a bad person if you know what you want and have a plan. You should feel bad that you haven’t been effectively leading your relationship, but you don’t need to feel bad because she’s upset.

3. Stop with the indecisive, wishy-washy, half-ass threats. They just make you look weak and not competent or serious. Do not threaten breaking up your family lightly, but if you are serious, then have a plan and follow through.

The main problem, as far as I can tell, seems to be that you are not leading this relationship. You do not seem to be an effective captain, and if you don’t figure that out then your next relationship will likely end up very similar to this one.
So instead of maybe, sort of, eventually leaving because you’re “not happy” -you might want to try being a better leader and focusing on managing your relationship dynamic and expectations in a more deliberate manner.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

peterkv said:


> A few years ago, the relationship was good. Apart from the early-almost-hoarding, we had fun.
> When we had kids, everything went south.


_"Everything went south"_? Kind of a passive phrase. It's not something that just happened. Own it. Better to say "we didn't know what we were doing and we messed it up". It's a question of responsibility, not blame.



> Some days, I think I am happy. Some days, I think she isn't.


Forget about that stuff. You can't judge whether you are taking the right actions by whether you are "happy".



> oldshirt, I didn't screw up the relationship.


You both did, but not maliciously.

*This could be fixed if you are both willing to change.*

(By the way, I say this as a marriage counsellor who's seen this kind of thing many times. Not that this makes me more right than anyone else here. Just saying I've seen this kind of thing fixed many times, if people are willing to stop with the threats and actually _behave differently_).


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

What would make you happy? Have the two of you done things you enjoy as a family? 

Nobody is happy all the time & the state of the world the way it is had taken an emotional toll on everyone. Are you sure you have realistic expectations?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

D0nnivain said:


> What would make you happy? Have the two of you done things you enjoy as a family?
> 
> Nobody is happy all the time & the state of the world the way it is had taken an emotional toll on everyone. Are you sure you have realistic expectations?


She sounds like a nightmare. Is this post for real?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

joeypiccard said:


> The guy just said he wants to remove his kids from this mess. Geez, sometimes I wonder if people actually read posts before commenting.


I did. Wanting to do something for your children and actually doing it are quite different. Much like the alcoholic who wants to quit drinking but hasn't.


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## joeypiccard (Mar 6, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> I did. Wanting to do something for your children and actually doing it are quite different. Much like the alcoholic who wants to quit drinking but hasn't.


The first step is identifying whats wrong and finding a way out of this issue. Pretty much what OP did by reaching out here. 

It takes time to make changes and a big decision like that must be carefully planned.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

We've had many a guy on here over the years that had a long term relationship with kids and swore the lack of marriage wasn't an issue and then found out it was. The odds you're sonehow different are slim to none.

Guess what? Unless she's specifically said she doesn't want to be married it's a problem. 

Has she specifically told you she doesn't want to be married?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

joeypiccard said:


> The first step is identifying whats wrong and finding a way out of this issue. Pretty much what OP did by reaching out here.
> 
> It takes time to make changes and a big decision like that must be carefully planned.


Yes, he identified it a while ago. My point was about the kids.


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