# Wife left me - Feel like I am in a million pieces



## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Hi I came across these forums whilst looking for advice and you seem like a good bunch so here goes.

We have been married for 15 years and the last 4 have been unhappy. We stopped working at the marriage and my wife and I both became workaholics. I knew we were not happy but felt so stuck in a rut. We have two great kids and I will be the first to admit I aint been the most supportive husband and father. Never cheated and I am 99.9% sure she never. 

She came to me 8 weeks ago and said she wanted me to leave. After a lot of pleading and chatting I decided to move as she and the kids were staying with friends and wouldnt come back till I was out. 

I rented my own flat and have been here about a month now and it has been much more difficult than I ever imagined. I ended up taking anti depressants and sleeping tablets to cope. My Doctor and myself have cut these down to just one of each at night so I am feeling better about that as I was taking more than I should have been. I am hoping to cut these down to half in the next week. 

I have cried a lot and have fely sorry for myself a lot! I have tried calling her and whilst she will talk amicably she will not talk about us only practicalities. She said she wants to buy the house off me and split all of our assets. I have been seeing the kids twice a week and whilst this sounds selfish I have found it very sad when I have seen them. 

I do have friends who are supporting me and my employer has been understanding but I do feel people will only want to hear me going on about it so much then they will get fed up. 

I am unsure how to move forward. I have told myself I need to get back to do the stuff I enjoyed as my confidence has been shot down and try and be supportive to her and the kids but I am unsure if I should allow myself to think about reconciliation as I dont want to give myself false hope. She does not want to goto counselling. 

I always thought I was a strong person but this has floored me big time and I feel my world has collapsed.

Has anybody got advice that would help please.

Thanks in advance.

Fin


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know what happened in your married years, but I do feel your wife has made up her mind. If she chooses to leave, of course she was unhappy. Please let her go and find her own happiness. Your letting her go will make her life much easier, and yours too, even though right now you feel miserable. 

I left my ex husband. I was very unhappy. Two men one woman has my feeling in it. But I thank my ex. I thank him a lot. After he realized that I really wanted to leave, he let me go. He took all the assets, I didn't mind. I gave it to him so it could make him feel better. But he let me go. I was very grateful to him for his generosity. We are good friends now. I helped him quite a few times after we divorced. He lost his job twice, twice I gave him money and support. Of course he has my son. Giving everything to him was like giving everything to my son. Helping him was like helping my son. 

Now he is a happy and content man again. He went to a church and sought help there. He became a christian. He learned to cope and forgive and move on. Now we see each other often. We have good conversation. He likes my husband. My husband likes my son. My son likes my husband. My son has three adults to shower him with love. 

So for her happiness, let her go. For your happiness, stop thinking about her and move on. 

Life is not easy, it has ups and downs. Never expect our road of life to be smooth. We all encounter turmoils, the way how we deal with it matters. 

Through out my life, I had been dumped by men many times, cry a little bit, get up, go on. I don't have time and energy waste on useless things. I have to figure out what I am going to do in the future.


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks for the reply, I see what you are saying. She has asked that we start splitting all our assets and that I should allow her to buy our house from me. Should I just go along with what she wants? I guess I feel once this happens it will be the final possibility of reconciliation over?

How do people cope with thinking about the future? I must admit I feel very weak at the moment and am finding strength a hard thing to find. I keep on thinking that maybe I should look for another partner but I know that is me looking for my needs to be met. It's all very confusing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

gfin said:


> Thanks for the reply, I see what you are saying. She has asked that we start splitting all our assets and that I should allow her to buy our house from me. Should I just go along with what she wants? I guess I feel once this happens it will be the final possibility of reconciliation over?
> 
> How do people cope with thinking about the future? I must admit I feel very weak at the moment and am finding strength a hard thing to find. I keep on thinking that maybe I should look for another partner but I know that is me looking for my needs to be met. It's all very confusing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can still get something. I left with just a suitcase. I was 29. I don't know how old you are. Let her buy that place from you, make sure she gives you a good price. 

Please don't rush into another relationship right away. Right now you are hurt and you can't tell who is good or who is bad. It is tough for you. What you need now is somebody to talk to. But you need to talk to people who can understand you. Your friends or family members may not be the right people to talk to. And you are worried that you might make them sick of you. 
There are a lot of friends here on this discussion forum, we all have different experience and we all have time. And we won't judge you. What happened has happened. We can't look back. Just make sure we be happy people in the future. But we had done wrong in the past please make sure that we don't do it again. 
Men have plenty of opportunities. There are plenty of single people. She may not be the one for you. 
Women like money, but they never like men who are workaholics. 
Life is not only about work. Please don't seek pleasure from work. It will never make you a happy man. A man or a woman still needs a partner in their life. When you have one, please make sure that you are balanced. Still work, but give her enough attention. This is a little bit far for you right now, but when you start a new relationship, please make sure you know what she likes about you and what you like about her.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

When you do become a better man, you ex will be envious of you and she'll regret for the decision she is making now. But you have to become a better man. If you don't, she'll just tell herself all the time that she made the best decision in her life for leaving you. 

For my ex, I don't have feeling for getting revenge. 
For men who dumped me, I thank them for doing that. If they hadn't done that, I don't know what kind of life I am able to have . If I see them now, I will only laugh at them. Ha ha ha.....................thank you for dumping me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It is easy for me to say. If I were you, that is what I am going to do. Find a nice place, make sure that my place is neat. Make sure that I am neat. Hair nicely combed. Clothes nicely dressed. Face nicely shaved. Look handsome and confident. Women like confident men.
Do sit down and examine myself. What did I do? Who was I? Why did I put myself into a situation like this? What should I change? What should I do to make myself a more attractive man? What kind of woman am I going to look for? What should I do so I don't make the same mistake again? 

Anyway, perfect myself. 
What happened in the past is only a lesson for us to learn. What is more important for us is our present and future life. 

Don't let people think we are losers forever!
Today we are losers, tomorrow we are successful people!!!

I had been a loser in my life quite a few times. People laughed at me. But I make sure I stand up and walk again, confidently!!!


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks Greenpearl what you say is making sense.

I have been going to the gym and trying to put on some weight as I lost a lot and was too thin. I am also trying to meet up with lots of friends whom I lost contact with. I know I need to build my life backup.

I do get lots of moments when I feel a panic rising and I struggle to cope with it. I worry about my future now. How do people cope with this? Any tips on how not to worry?

How busy should I keep myself? Should I aim to be busy all the time?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

We tend to worry about our future, because we don't know what our future is. 
Tell you my secret. Whenever I see old people, especially the sick ones, I am worried. I don't want to be old and sick. Does it scare you?

But if we spend too much time worrying about our future, it is only going to make our present life worse. And it will make our future life bad. Worrying is not good for health. 

Good health is the most important thing in our life.

One day, I encounter this sentence. It said, We let small things bother us. What kind of problems are really serious? You get into an accident! Suddenly you doctor told you that you have only half a year to live! You boss told you that you are fired! Then your life is really shattered. You don't ever have time and energy to worry about all those small problems. They disappear right away. 

It hit me. It makes 100% perfect sense. Why do I let small things bother me. For me, worrying about getting old. Being bothered by other people silly comments, somebody gave me a dirty look........

From that day, I told myself I am going to live for today!!!
If today my husband and I are healthy, no pain, no sore, great! If today my husband and I are safe, no cuts, no broken bones, great! If today our jobs are fine, great! Other things, they just happen. They happen, they disappear, if I let them bother me, I lose. If I don't let them bother me, I win. 

That's the kind of attitude I have about life now!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

How busy should I keep myself? Should I aim to be busy all the time? 

For a long time, I tend to sit there and just let my past eat me. Believe me, I was hurt a lot in my past. I was hurt, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't sleep. The only time I forgot about the pain was when I was working. I couldn't just sit there and let myself wander in my past. 

I started reading, a lot of reading. 
Now going to discussion forums talking to people has become another way I keep myself busy. 

Once, read a sentence: if we spend more time on others, then we have less time feeling sorry for ourselves. And that is what I am doing now. Believe me, my life is not all flowers, I have my sorrow too.

Hope you walk out of your pain as soon as possible. What you are going through now is understandable. 

Just remember, far away on this earth there is a girl who cares about you and wants you to be happy!!!


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Hey thanks green pearl it is nice to read your reply. 

I think you are right in that I need to learn to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

gfin said:


> Hey thanks green pearl it is nice to read your reply.
> 
> I think you are right in that I need to learn to live in the moment and not worry about tomorrow.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have issues too. We are helping each other. I feel very happy if I am able to help whoever I know. I have to learn!!!
My Internet friends used to comfort me with songs when they know I feel low. What they did really made me feel warm!!! Do you like music?


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Hey yes I do like music and have been listening to more music than ever. The only thing is that it can remind you of many things good and bad I guess.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

gfin said:


> Hey yes I do like music and have been listening to more music than ever. The only thing is that it can remind you of many things good and bad I guess.


I listen to music when I feel low. I used to hum sad songs. It made me cry a little bit, but I still kept on doing. We have emotions. Sometimes I do feel a good cry helps me a lot. I cry, cry out the hurt, cry out the poison, then I feel better. You are a man, we are different. But I do feel it is OK to admit that we are weak. Just make sure nobody else sees it. 

I like Mettalica's Nothing else matters and The Unforgiven

YouTube - Metallica - Nothing Else Matters [Original Video]

Guns N' Roses many songs

YouTube - Guns N' Roses - November Rain

Don't know if you like them or not. 

I also listen to soft piano music when I need to calm myself down!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Please don't keep any of her things around. That will only make you keep on thinking of her, and you can't move on. 

My opinion, you don't have to listen. For me, I feel that's the only way I am being protected! 
Life makes us to be emotionless sometimes, but we have to protect ourselves.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

*There is life after marriage*

Gfin,

Were you monitoring me in April '84? That's when I moved to an apartment following far too many unhappy years, leaving my two wonderful kids and an angry, controlling BPD wife. I hurt so badly I could barely work, felt a total failure - we met in '68, married in '70, my son was born at the end of '71, 2nd in '74. 

For the first few months I'd come home to an empty apt 4 or 5 nights a week, the other days I'd pick up my children, feed them, help them do homework, and bring them back to my old house. Pulling out of the driveway when they went behind the front door had me crying during the 4 mile drive.

The quality of my life improved on a Tuesday in August when I went to a singles group looking for the first date of my adult life and was picked up by an attractive, 32 yo woman before we entered the building. I was 34 and knew I'd get lucky in a few days. She was in love with me by 2 AM that night when we said goodnight after a single drink apiece and a lot of talk.

Our first date started Friday, I took her home after dinner and she demonstrated that I hadn't completely missed the sexual revolution, 26 years later she's still here. 

She became a wonderful step mom, a very loving wife, we married 5 years after meeting. 

You will feel better in time, now here are some strongly felt recommendations based on too much time thinking and living. I'm 61 in case you're wondering.

First, as my very wise counsellor Jack told me in '84, you made the best decisions you were capable of all along the way.
Remember this the next time you berate yourself.

You are having situational depression, I think you'd be much better off with talk therapy than meds. That said stop the anti-depressant as soon as possible - but first read all you can about the particular medicine, some are very hard to stop, among the worst Paxil and Effexor, these and others will cause loss of libido, weight gain, and possibly torpor. You're entitled to cry, to lament, to mourn and to love and be loved again.

Sleep - No caffeine after noon, no alcohol after 8, exercise before 8 PM, have a consistent sleep schedule.
Beds are for sleeping and making love, not watching TV, not reading, not listening to music, baseball, basketball or football. You want bed to be associated with sleep and happy moments.

Stop the sleeping pills, stay up until you can barely stay awake and go to bed. If you don't fall asleep within 5 minutes leave your bedroom and watch TV, read, listen to music, cry until you are even more tired.

Date but don't get serious about anyone for a while. If you start liking someone a lot, try to not introduce her to your children for as long as possible. The kids' happiness at seeing you loved is very potent and might cause you to make a decision sooner than you want, the joy and pleasure of being loved the same.

In retrospect I probably jumped too soon, but I made a pretty good decision knowing what I knew then. If you start getting serious, find out just how crazy her parents are - if they are off the wall, say goodbye and try again. She will grow up to be a lot like one of them, the sweet young thing can easily become a not so sweet mature, crazy adult. The small behaviors you think will get better, get worse - just ask my wife ;-)

Good luck, I know you hurt, I know you will hurt, I also know you will continue to love and be loved and be loved by your children, and you will find someone to share your life and your bed. Be brave, but cry often.

Mark




gfin said:


> Hi I came across these forums whilst looking for advice and you seem like a good bunch so here goes.
> 
> We have been married for 15 years and the last 4 have been unhappy. We stopped working at the marriage and my wife and I both became workaholics. I knew we were not happy but felt so stuck in a rut. We have two great kids and I will be the first to admit I aint been the most supportive husband and father. Never cheated and I am 99.9% sure she never.
> 
> ...


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Hey thanks for the advice. I am glad you found someone. 

I think I really need to toughen up a little as I can't go on moaning and crying about it, I gotta move on but it ain't easy!


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

The longer this goes on the further away I feel she is getting from me. I am still sure there is nobody else and looking back I can see how unhappy we were. I think we fell out of love a long time ago. She wants to get all the assets split soon. Should I go along with this even though I feel it will be the and of any chance of reconciliation if we do?

Can anybody recommend some good "man up" books?

I really feel I need to start being stronger and getting on with life.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

No More Mr. Nice Guy
Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Gfin,

Go along with splitting assets and moving into your new life - she is not going to reconcile if she's gone this far.

I assure you your life will get better in time, you have learned a lot that will help you make better choices. Unlike Humpty Dumpty you will be whole - we humans are tough.

Best regards,

Mark



gfin said:


> The longer this goes on the further away I feel she is getting from me. I am still sure there is nobody else and looking back I can see how unhappy we were. I think we fell out of love a long time ago. She wants to get all the assets split soon. Should I go along with this even though I feel it will be the and of any chance of reconciliation if we do?
> 
> Can anybody recommend some good "man up" books?
> 
> I really feel I need to start being stronger and getting on with life.


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

thanks for all the advice guys.

One thing I am struggling with is worrying still. Quite often I will go through periods where I just start worrying about the future and my stomach ends up in knots. Is there anything I can do to try and overcome these feelings?


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## MJUltra (Sep 28, 2010)

I am in the same boat as you -- I am someone whose mind goes a million miles a minute and thinks up every worst case scenario. I am someone who is usually very good at helping others, so the irony is that I feel helpless about myself. My wife wants to leave as she believes the universe holds someone out there who is better for both of us. Other than that, we are great friends and parents. There is no other reason for this other than that she "has changed" and that she needs a chance to find her true happiness. I don't know how one deals with that exactly . 

Anyway, I'm keeping a journal of everything I feel each morning -- good, bad and indifferent. I'm speaking to a few friends who I trust to keep this quiet as we figure out what we are going to do -- they are great (some female, some male). I'm also trying to keep up with exercise and other social events. Last, we're both in counseling -- although I think it's likely at cross purposes right now. These all dull the pain, but of course don't do away with it. 

I don't hate my wife but I hate what she is doing to me and our family. I wish I could fast forward to a year from now and know that things will be better, but obviously life does not work that way. The truth is, we are not unique. In most divorces you are going to have one side that does not want it, or at least, can't really contemplate it, while the other sees it as "freedom". One blessing I have is that she hasn't walked out to live with another man leaving me with no ability to figure out things. 

Focus as much as you can on the good things and know that only time will heal your wounds.


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## gfin (Sep 13, 2010)

Thanks MJ

For me now I am trying to live in the moment, easier said than done! If I keep on thinking about the past and future it drives me crazy so practising focusing on the present. I think we need to try and be thankful for the little things in life.

By the way this is all theory at the moment but I am trying to apply it lol.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Gfin,

I know the feeling, also know that your life will get better after a long bout of sorrow. If you weren't worrying, I'd worry, this is a part of this lousy process of serial monogamy, "change", "growth", and the rest of this s***. 

Marriage is very hard, far harder than we can imagine, our minds have not yet learned the rules have changed, our lifespans longer and healthier than ever expected. Add "The PILL", reasonably safe pre- and extra-marital sex, and nothing meets the expectations of the past 2000 years. I really doubt the institution will survive another 100 years, by then we will have companionship contracts that run for a well defined number of years, or until we have N children and the oldest is X years old, or the youngest Y. Our great-great-great grandchildren will know that these contracts end in due time, they will expect blended families, old partners, new partners even as they put pen to paper, or their eyeball to a scanner. 

The hardest part I endured was the feeling of failure, failing in my marriage, failing to be the one who was loved forever, failing my children. Today I am a lot easier on myself; I think marriage in the Western world is based on ancient tales.

William Faulkner said many years ago, "I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail". Listen to his words, you have a lot going for you, your worry will prove excessive.

Mark



gfin said:


> thanks for all the advice guys.
> 
> One thing I am struggling with is worrying still. Quite often I will go through periods where I just start worrying about the future and my stomach ends up in knots. Is there anything I can do to try and overcome these feelings?


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