# Divorce in a foreign language



## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Hi,

Really could use some advice.

After being together for a wonderful 17 years with my wife we took the plunge with our 3 children to move to her home country. (I cannot speak the language of her country despite spending a ridiculous amount of time trying to.)

That was 2 and a half years ago. For the last year and a half or so we've had problems due, in large part I think, to my inability to speak the language and also because we've moved from the suburbs of a big city to a small village.

These problems culminated in me moving back to England for a month to get my act together (I've been told I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown). The day before I was due to return to my family my wife sent me an email saying that she didn't want me back, didn't love me and was having an affair with someone in the village.

Despite this revelation (which, obviously, shook me to the bones) I did go back to attempt to get my wife's heart back.

Roll on 6 months and I'm at the end of my tether. My wife has continued her affair and refuses to give it up. She is constantly on facebook chatting to other people and is forever receiving texts from people too.

She goes out 2 or 3 times a week and recently has started staying out all night. (Including Tuesday and last night.) In fact 2 and a half hours ago she went to take the dog for a walk and still isn't back.

Today I came to the conclusion that despite the hurt that it would cause my 3 wonderful children (who are 12, 10 and 7) I cannot live in a marriage in which I have no respect. It kills me. It reduces me, at times, to a blubbering wreck, it kills my self-esteem and ignites my natural depressive tendencies.

So, I suppose the thing is whether people think I should separate and move back to England or divorce.

I'm not sure what divorce would do me. We live in a lovely cottage and my wife has made it clear that she would not allow me to have the children. I have no intention of taking the roof over my children's heads just for some financial gain.

And just a straight separation would serve little purpose as there is no way I can trust her. Even if she opened everything up to me I wouldn't be able to understand what was written anyway! I couldn't tell what was innocent or not.

I hope that what I have written is clear. My mind is addled due to tiredness and the stress of the situation.

Any help would be most appreciated. Thank you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My husband and I moved with our 2 kids to his home country last year, and I also don't speak the language. I've tried, I think I'm just one of those people who aren't good with languages. The stress of the move to a new country, and the isolation of not speaking the language, is awful. I'm moving back to the US with our kids in a few weeks because I'm pretty sure I'll have a nervous breakdown if we don't. And because my husband messed up my visa stuff and I'm getting kicked out, more stress.

Do your children have citizenship in the country they live in? If your wife files for divorce in her home country, the courts might favor giving her custody of the children. I've read online that that's what often happens in the country I currently live in. If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer in England and see if you can file for a divorce there. I think you're more likely to get fair custody if you file first. But definitely talk to a lawyer about this.

How far is your wife from you? Sharing custody is going to be hard I think, do you children have a preference for where they are now vs. England? Maybe you'll end up with one parent having the kids during the school year and the other getting them for summers?


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Your first paragraph seems almost identical to my own (except for the time difference). I hope that you sort out your problems. (Will your husband be going back with you to the US or will he be staying in his home country?)

They have leave to stay in the country indefinitely but they all have British passports so I think that answers your question about citizenship. 
I am a little worried about things. Even now I trust my wife to "do the right thing" but, then again, as she has turned into a virtual stranger the last 6 months maybe I shouldn't be so hopeful about thing so seeing a lawyer in England would probably be a good idea. Thanks for that.

We live in central Europe so that's about 1000 miles away from England so joint custody would be impossible, I suspect. (I feel like such a fool for not knowing this).

The children don't have much of a preference. They haven't been back to England since we left there two and a half years ago and so they, obviously, would be keen to see there Aunts, Uncles, Cousins etc but when it comes to deciding whether they'd like to stay where they are now with their Mum or go with me to England they are, not surprisingly I guess, undecided. They all love their Mum and myself virtually equally.

My wife would probably love the idea of me having the children over the holidays. It'll enable her to continue to act like a teenager. (She eventually came back today after another 6 hours "partying" which makes it 18 hours "partying" in the last 24 hours)

Thanks for your comments, northernlights.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Sorry, but why are you putting up with this sh!t? 

Your wife has completely checked out and is cuckolding you. I'm sorry for your situation but time to snap into action my friend!

I don't know which country you are in but her behavior is neglectful. Document her comings and goings to build your eventual case. 

I also live in a European country and I'm going through a divorce. My guess is that your kids have been in the foreign country too long to obtain custody of them through a UK court. The court forum will probably default to the foreign court. 

Most likely the country you are in is a signee to the Hague Convention, which prevents you from parental abduction to the UK. (They'd most likely be brought back to mom's country and it would cost a lot of money for both sides). 

Consult lawyers in both countries immediately. Do not wait!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Consult lawyers in both countries as mentioned.

ASAP

Do not count on your wife to behave reasonable. Hope for it but do not count on it.

If she says she agrees to something, don't count on it.

Use the law (both countries laws) to plan your divorce.


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## Alias71 (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks for that staystrong.

You are probably right about checking out and cuckolding me. 

Today, however, she opened up a little after I said that I would go back to England for a "trial separation". She was sad and held my hand and told me that I didn't deserve to be "evicted" from the home. It came as a surprise, I'll tell you.

Yes, the country I live in has signed up to the Hague Convention so getting the children through just taking them wouldn't be a good idea.

I am probably being a fool but the idea of going to court in order to get my children is something I really don't want to do at the moment mainly because I think it would cause so much upset for the children. I know that divorce can be amicable and I'm hoping that if my marriage comes to that, and it probably will do, my wife and I can be friendly and do what is in the children's best interests.

I hope that your own divorce goes well for you (as well as any divorce can anyhow)


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