# Thanks from a newb; and a question



## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

32, together for 13, married for 7. Have a 2 year old.

I really want to expose W's infidelity and the circumstances around it to her family. I am incredibly angry and I want her to be humiliated. My rational brain says "Dont Do That," because I have a kid with her and I need to maintain a working relationship for his benefit. Has anyone in a similar circumstance done the expose thing? Did they regret it? People who took the high road: did you regret it? 


This forum was an incredible resource over the last three days. You guys saved me from making about 10 million mistakes. You guys are awesome. Reading the stories on here helped me realize that I can be happy, I don't need her, and that after a divorce my life is going to be so much better.

I kicked HER out. She's in the f-ing hotel right now. I never could have done this without you guys. I also probably need some advice on coping with my anger towards her. I want to ruin her life. Tell her family the gory details. Call her boss and expose her at work. (she cheated w/ a married coworker.) It would really screw up her career and she's on the verge of a huge promotion right now. But all I would really be doing is screwing up my son's life in the long run, as well as having a functional, non hostile relation with the Ex.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I don't know about exposing to her family 
But tell other mans wife NOW !!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

Heck, just as I post this, the very next thread drops this nugget of wisdom. 



> As far as embarrassing him by making public the facts of his infidelity, who knows if that will work? Some disloyal spouses have no shame. Some will simply lie and say that they were driven into the arms of another by the awful behavior of the loyal spouse. I wouldn't worry all that much about that.
> 
> You can tell your kids and your family, and his, about the reasons behind your divorce. But be prepared for his family to side with him over you. It rarely works out that the disloyal spouse will be shunned in public and forced to wear a scarlet A, as nice as that may be for the betrayed spouses out there.


Saving me from mistake # 10 million and 1


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Btw .. If you divorce expose to her work as soon as its final
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You should expose to her affair partner's wife. 

Expose to her parents and yours.

Stick to the facts when you do this. Don't call her names, etc. The reason is, you don't want to be dismissed as bitter or vengeful. 

Does she have a profession? In other words, would she be able to get another job easily somewhere else? (lawyer, dr. Pharmacist, engineer, etc).

If so, you won't be jeopardizing your son financially if you expose to her work.

Also, it seems reconcilliation is off the table for now. But if you change your mind you're going to want her working somewhere else. So work exposure could be warranted.

Get tested for STIs, seperate your financials, see a lawyer. You can't leagally keep her out of the house, so if she wants to come back you'll be in legal trouble if you try to stop her. But you can make her sleep in another room. A couch if you must.

Don't raise your hand or voice to her. Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all times around her. Start the 180. Click the link at the bottom of this post to read it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Absolutely you must expose to the OM's wife. How would you feel if the OM's wife had known and decided not to inform you?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would definitely expose to the OMW. She has a right to know so that she can make informed decisions about her life. I would also expose at work. Companies have non-fraternization policies for very good reasons. Issues of morale, favoritism, lost work time, etc. are very important. There are good reasons other than revenge to do these two exposures.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Expose far and wide now.

It'll benefit you and your child in the long run.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks. I've found the OMW's facebook profile and sent a message to her. I don't know how often she checks it though. I'm trying to cyber stalk around to get a phone # or active email.

Is exposing her at work really beneficial? Seems SOOO spiteful. And yeah I saw the 180 last night. Going into effect soon.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

slider said:


> Thanks. I've found the OMW's facebook profile and sent a message to her. I don't know how often she checks it though. I'm trying to cyber stalk around to get a phone # or active email.
> 
> Is exposing her at work really beneficial? Seems SOOO spiteful. And yeah I saw the 180 last night. Going into effect soon.


Depends. If you think you have 10% inside of you that thinks reconciliation might be possible then you need to end the affair. Then yes, unless she quits, you will need to expose at work. The purpose is not revenge (although a nice perk of exposing the OM), it is to end the affair.

It's like someone said on a different thread ... he couldn't remember anybody regretting exposing ... but plenty of people later regretted not exposing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you talked to a lawyer yet? Keep in mind that exposing her and wrecking her promotion might affect you financially, depending on spousal and child support. A lawyer in your area should be able to give you some scenarios to think about.

C


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Depends. If you think you have 10% inside of you that thinks reconciliation might be possible then you need to end the affair. Then yes, unless she quits, you will need to expose at work. The purpose is not revenge (although a nice perk of exposing the OM), it is to end the affair.
> 
> It's like someone said on a different thread ... he couldn't remember anybody regretting exposing ... but plenty of people later regretted not exposing.


No, I'm done with this marriage. I will NEVER reconcile with her, not ever. Any link to that thread?


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Slider, 

I am so sorry you are here. First and foremost, take care of yourself! This is the worst thing IMO anyone can go through! 
Please try to eat even though you have no appetite and try to sleep and get rest. You need to keep your strength!! Reach out to friends and family, you need support during this time. 
Please understand her cheating is no reflection on you!! She chose to cheat instead of keeping her marriage vows. She wasn't concerned about your sons future when she was screwing her co-worker. She's the only person responsible for ruining the marriage. 
She now needs to suffer the consequences for her actions. Go nuclear and expose far and wide. Separate finances and cancel all credit cards.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Slider,

I am sorry you are here. Expose her and AP to OMW and both your parents.

Exposing her at work will do what? If she gets a huge promotion, she gets to make more money and then she may have to pay you child support... Nothing good will come out of exposing her at work. It may come out anyway but don't do it to be spiteful.

As for the anger, it will come and go. Release it in a positive way. Run, bike, hit the gym whatever. Don't take it out negatively. The gym is still a big thing for me. It is daily therapy.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

slider said:


> No, I'm done with this marriage. I will NEVER reconcile with her, not ever. Any link to that thread?


Depending on the severity and length of the affair and how many affairs your wife has had, divorce or reconciliation usually is not a decision you should make too quickly.

The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.

If you really are convinced you want to divorce, stop communicating with your wife except for issues related to your child and the divorce settlement. Get an attorney, find out what you can do to maximize your chances of getting custody (if that's what you want) and getting the best financial outcome. If you are in one of the few states where infidelity will affect the divorce settlement, your lawyer will tell you what you need to do to prove it.

Focus on yourself and your child and your new way of life as a dad heading for divorce. Maybe post in the going to divorce section of this website.

My opinion is, don't worry too much about keeping it amicable (your lawyer is going to tell you the opposite). If she wanted an amicable divorce, she would have sought one out BEFORE cheating to you and lying to you about it. By cheating, she is not keeping it amicable. It is incredibly painful to you, so don't worry if you cause her any pain - any pain you cause her she has coming, and then some.

Get tested for STDs.

Let your family and friends know your wife has cheated and you are headed for divorce. Tell them who she cheated with, give them the guy's name. Tell them that she admitted it or you have evidence, assuming one or both of those statements is true. Keep it brief and try to keep calm in your exposure.

Tell other man's wife. Offer her the evidence you have. It is the right thing to do. She shouldn't be the only one in the dark. If other man was going to leave her for your wife, he would do it no matter if his wife knew of the cheating or not.

There are two schools of thought on exposing at work. One is to let sleeping dogs lie and try for an amicable divorce, not expose at work, not risk her getting fired and losing an income source that could affect alimony. The other is to blow it up so that the affair ends and that the other man feels the pain of his actions, as well as your wife. 

There are some marriages that ONLY were saved because of the exposure at work - the exposure to family, friends, and the other man's wife had no effect, only the exposure at work saved the marriage. If you do want to save the marriage, your wife would have to go no contact with the other man, which usually means quitting the job. If it were me, I would expose at work, with a letter to human resources and a very senior level executive. Your attorney will never advise this exposure at work, will always advise to keep things as "amicable" as possible, if divorce is absolutely what you want.

If I were you, I would end the affair at work and keep the possibility of reconciliation open.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How was your marriage before the affair ? How long was she in the affair ? How did she react when you confronted her ? How did she treat you and the kid during the affair ? How did you find out ?


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> How was your marriage before the affair ? How long was she in the affair ? How did she react when you confronted her ? How did she treat you and the kid during the affair ? How did you find out ?


I have done as much as I can to contact the OMW. I think she knows. 


The affair started emotionally with the coworker for about a month or two. Last wednesday she said we needed to divorce. I was pretty destroyed because our marriage had been very steady. I was totally blindsided. We hadn't had a real fight in months, we had a very active sex life, things were good with the kid, etc. 

The following Saturday night she told me she needed "the night off," and just left. She came home at 1AM. Sunday morning I asked her what happened and she admitted going to his house and consummating the affair. I was devastated, even though the writing was on the wall. 

Our relationship has always been really crazy. She was bipolar and we never knew it until she had an Episode two years ago and had to be institutionalized. So when it was good it was amazing, and when bad it was awful. I was a much weaker person, with low self esteem, so I catered to her wild emotionality when a normal person would have left her years ago. Since the Episode we were finally able to treat her illness, and over the last year things were unbelievably steady. 

She tells me she was happy but unfulfilled. Things were good, even great, but not what she needed. She developed an intense emotional connection with the OM, and then decided to move forward with it on Saturday. 

She told me she would quit her job and cut off all contact with OM if I wanted to R. That's where I have to be strong. I have been her emotional doormat forever. I have f-king had it with this. My low self esteem is why I kept coming back for more emotional abuse year after year year, because I thought I could never be happy without her and that my life would end if we did. I deserve so much better than her, I just wish she hadn't stolen 10 years of my life.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The only reason to expose to the world at large is if you want to kill the affair and begin the process of reconciling with her.

Not to ruin lives.. .that just backfires and ends up harming the children.

Telling his wife is a moral obligation, so she understands the nature of her own marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'd expose to family and the OMW and at work, because I believe in telling the truth, and because if she really is bipolar then having her hit bottom by loosing her job might just have her get the mental Heath help she needs.

It also is payback to the scumbag OM who will himself suffer consequences for cheating with her.

The OMW maybe out of town which is why they could hook up at his place. Use spokeo or the phone book to get his home address, and then directly contact his wife when she is back.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Exposure is important and it does not matter if you are going to R or D. Her family will be in your life forever because of the kid. They should know the facts and your side of the story before she paints you as the devil.

I would not believe everything she has told you about the A. Cheaters lie. Go get checked for STD's.

I would not expose at work. If she is due for a promotion that means raise and it could help lower any Alimony or Child Support if she is making more.

Only talk with her about the kid and bills. Get yourself into IC it will help get you through all of this crap.

Sorry you are here


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think there's a less selfish consideration for exposure that people should think about. Some of these OM/W's are hit-and-run drivers that careen through life wrecking marriage after marriage. There are people in the workplace who move from affair to affair not giving any thought to the lives they are destroying, the spouses, the children.

Forget giving these POS's their comeuppance. Just consider the service you do to all the other people who work in that office if you take that one rancid person out of the mix. It's not a cure for cancer, but it is definitely a service.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Buddy,

You have kicked her out.

Now, take care of your anger. I made a zillion mistakes with my anger playing inside me.

Treat it. For your sanity.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OP, do you want justice for you and your child? Or do you want revenge?

*Please do not confuse the two.*

When you act, act not in the heat of your justified anger, but temper what you do with wisdom and knowledge.


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

Revenge. I want her to suffer. 

So your saying acting in that fashion is bad? I'll take that under consideration. 

I finally got in contact with OM/W - "Sarah.". she was in Florida visiting her parents with their kid. Thats why they used his house on Saturday night. She was Completely shocked. They got married 6 months ago. 

The funny thing is that OM told my wife that "Sarah" had given him permission to try out new relationships.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

slider said:


> Revenge. I want her to suffer.
> 
> So your saying acting in that fashion is bad? I'll take that under consideration.
> 
> ...


Now the scumbag can try being single again.


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## goshjosh (Mar 23, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.




Couldn't have put it better.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Oh it's going to get interesting now. he will get pi$$ed at your wife and probably dump her to save his marriage. She will be furious with you, then try to save her marriage- or use you as plan B as we like to say. Remind her who she is. Stay strong. The hardest part is yet to come believe it or not.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Nice going slider fopr exposing. Of course the POSOM told your wife that it's okay with his own wife to seek relationships. That's what cheaters do. They make up stories about their own wives to the affair partner to justify their own sleezy and dispicable lives.

My wife's POSOM wanted to come across as a "nice guy", always grinning, and misunderstood by his own wife. Of course, the other wife was well-liked, completely faithful and she went off to work everyday to support the family while POSOM was boinking my wife.
She was living life right and POSOM was living life wrong.

Yes, it will get interesting now. Your wife will likely get dropped like a hot potato and she will be wondering why "as soul partners" they are not running off together. She will be in a fog for awhile.


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## slider (Apr 2, 2013)

UPDATE:

Things are strange now. Last night my soon to be ex and I were going over final details of the divorce. It's going to be fairly straightforward and we're getting it done quickly. When the Ex goes to the bathroom I check her text log. She had been texting all day with OM, obviously. Just like I had been texting all day with OMW, giving her the details so she could move on with her life. 

I sort of knew what OM is saying to his wife ("oh it was just a mistake, we should R, I want to be with you" etc) and now here I have texting proof of the opposite. The most damaging of which was something like "I think I'll leave 'Sarah' I just cant be with her anymore." I immediately texted OMW ("Sarah") that he was probably lying to her. The other damaging text was proof that my Ex had spent the previous night at their house, after I kicked her out. Not damaging to me, b/c IDGAF about what she does anymore, but "Sarah" is still out of state with their kid and needed to realize the depths of OM's evil. His intent was to have my ex spend the week at THEIR HOUSE while she was gone. Heck, they could probably carpool to work. 

So anyway, "Sarah" cant believe this. The next opportunity I got I forwarded the messages from Ex's phone directly to Sarah. I really thought I was helping her out. She needs to know, right? 

Fast forward to today.  Today, I am now being vilified. Not just by my wife and the OM, both of whom think I'm intentionally trying to nuke his R b/c I'm angry, but ALSO BY SARAH! WTH?!? Because I'm the one constantly sending her bad news she wants to kill the messenger, so she's associating me with all this wrongdoing. Also I believe she's being manipulated into thinking all this is MY FAULT, because I was a bad husband and it caused my wife to go cruising for her man. So now she's shifting blame accordingly: it's 70% my wife's fault for being a *****, it's 25% my fault for being a bad husband, and it's only 5% OM's fault for being seduced. At least my spouse waited 10 years to become a Walk Away Wife. OM's only been married 6 freaking months. 

Sarah has told me to never text or communicate with her again. I want to respect that boundary, but I am 100% sure that if they R, it wont be done the right way. OM wont be made to quit his job and cut off all contact with my ex. I feel very strongly that I need to help her, but don't know how. Do I just send her a link to cheatingspouse.com or something?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Are you sure OM hasn't somehow got control of her phone now?

No matter, you did your best at outing them. If she wants to take him back, her loss. I would expose the affair at her work regardless. What's the downside? 

She won't go on welfare - she'll find something else. Not your problem.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Regarding OMW you did right, all you could. Honor her wishes and stay NC.
You gave her all the required info she really needed to make her own decisions. It's now up to her how she manages in life.
Proceed with your own divorce.

Your STBX is a homewreker. That's all.


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