# How do I forgive?



## Kindabitter (Nov 23, 2012)

My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Kindabitter said:


> My husband had an emotional affair -* and he "made out" with her*. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and *tells me to get over it*. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.


If they 'made out' it was a physical affair. And if he says that they just 'made out' you can be prety sure it was a lot more more than kissing.

He admitted to the least egregious offense of 'making out', although that for some is bad enough to divorce.

He hopes you'll buy that and get over it because ' it was just kissing'. And he still wants to keep the friendship. Because it was more than kissing, a lot more.

You know in your gut that it is more than he says. He knows that it hurts you but still wants to continue with her. This shows you where his priority lies and how much he values her over you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You will not be able to forgive him until he ends all contact with her and until he shows remorse and care for the harm he has caused you.

The book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley would help you out here. Also read the newbie sticky threads in this forum. They will give you some ideas of where to start.

You are going to have to stand up to your husband and tell him that he's full of crap and you are not going to stay in a marriage where he's engaging in affairs. As long as he has contact with her he is having an affair.

Is hse married by chance?


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Kindabitter*My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and is just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.


Being kind right now may not be the best thing to consentrate on. That may have to come latter.

Tell your husband that he can choose which woman he wants. He can have you or her. If he chooses you then he must stop ALL contact immediately with the OW and give you all information (emails, letters, etc) that shows that he has bluntly and sternly told the OW to shove off and never contact him again. Also give you access to his email and other forms of communication.

If your husband refuses then ask him if he would mind if you got emotionally involved with another man, make out with him, and then kept in contact with him. If your husband does not like for you to get involved with another man like that then he is a hypocrite. 

If your husband is not going to do what he needs to do to make you number one with NO CONTACT with the OW then tell him that you will be looking into your options.. If he asks what those are tell him anything that will make your life better. Be prepared to back up your statements.

If you are an emotion dependent and too weak to make him put a complete stop to the OW then you will just have to be walked on.

I think that you will have to settle this issue before you can make lot of progress on forgiveness and haltered and move on.

Blunt


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

Malaise said:


> If they 'made out' it was a physical affair. And if he says that they just 'made out' you can be prety sure it was a lot more more than kissing.
> 
> He admitted to the least egregious offense of 'making out', although that for some is bad enough to divorce.
> 
> ...


:iagree: You can take this to the bank. I offer a thought exercise for you. You're a grown woman and you're sharing an intimate encounter with an attractive man that has progressed at least to kissing/petting. Do you feel it likely, all things being equal, that you would put the brakes on there? 'Cause I can tell you that you'd be hard-pressed (though it's not impossible) to find a guy that has gone that far, has rationalized an affair to the point that it has externalized, that wouldn't be willing to take it all the way. If it went down that way, I want to have you play my lottery numbers.

Joking aside, I'm so sorry that you find yourself in this position. What is your home situation like? Duration of the marriage? Kids? External stressors (long work hours, work travel, financial difficulties)? You can ignore those questions if you don't feel comfortable. I wish you all the best regardless.

-JM


----------



## Kindabitter (Nov 23, 2012)

I'll try and answer all the posted questions... excuse me if I miss one.  He never admitted to making out with her. I know this because I have read every message between them. They both feel guilty and agreed to lie about it to protect their families. Whatever. I believe they did not go further than that, however they did confess their love for eachother and the desire to go further had they not been married. I told him that I had read their messages and it all came to a head. He made the decision to end it with her as I had already gone to see a lawyer. This was in September. He and I decided to work it out, but he insisted on moving forward and not looking back. I was totally ok with that until I noticed they were still in contact. He did tell her their contact would be on "special occasions only - like to share news of an important event" however it is basically happening once a week with a vague one or two sentence update on how they are doing and wishing eachother well. I asked a couple weeks ago if they were still in contact and he said yes, and then fwded a few of their messages in effort to comfort me that they are not continuing on as they were. My answer to him was that I feel it is disrespectful that they are still in contact, and that it hurts me deeply. He was angry with my reply (I think mostly because I don't trust him... duh) and they continue to communicate. We've been married for 11 years this February. We have 9 kids, 6 who are grown and on their own and 3 still at home. I don't want a divorce, I want to move forward but it is next to impossible to move forward when he's still hanging onto the past. I am not a door mat, no matter how it sounds, I am trying to be the better person here. If I wasn't, I'd follow my pissed off side and tell her entire family what she did and provide the proof. I do want to send her a message and tell her to back off, I am just not sure that would actually work coming from me. She has a bad marriage and my husband says he feels sorry for her. Which, is probably partly true, but it's not his responsibility to be there for her. I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship. I just want to forgive and not hate. For me, not for anything other than that. I do not like these horrible feelings I have and I do not know how to get rid of them. 
Thanks
Kindabitter


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

You situation sounds very similar to Gabriel's

He tried to do the same thing as you, allowing wayward to have minimal contact with AP and was a disaster.

You need to shut this contact down, even if you have to give an ultimatum of leaving to do so. 

Marriage is between 2 people, not 3.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Kindabitter said:


> ...I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship. I just want to forgive and not hate. For me, not for anything other than that. I do not like these horrible feelings I have and I do not know how to get rid of them.
> Thanks
> Kindabitter


The problem for you is that you won't get over these feelings as long as he is still in touch with her. The bottom line is that he could do this for you if you really were his priority. He already knows how much he is hurting you with this, yet he continues.

Either 1) he stops talking to the OW and you stay together, 2) he doesn't stop and you leave him, or 3) he doesn't stop and you learn to live with these feelings that you have about it.

Since it's likely that you'll never learn to live with them, you're back to square one with your reconciliation. It's up to you what you will put up with.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Until verifiable No Contact of any sort occurs. Affair is still going on.


----------



## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Hoosier said:


> Until verifiable No Contact of any sort occurs. Affair is still going on.


Sad to say that this is totally true. File for divorce as he has already crossed your line in the sand.

I know it sucks, but my wife poo pooed the NC rule time and time again. She just wanted to drag it out for as long as possible while still seeing her OM.

Don't do what I did and flounder, second guess, and keep giving chances. 

There are two resolutions to your situation:

1) File for divorce and it shocks the crap out of him to come back and work on it.

2) File for divorce and he is totally ok with it.

Your only option is to file for divorce. The outcome is the only thing that may vary. But then you will have your answer of where his head is really at.

My wife is chose option 2. I am ok with it, sort of. She snapped and is no longer the person I married. Best of luck to her.

P.S. TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THIS!!!! Exposure is the key to slapping all people involved around and possibly making him come to his senses.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Forgiving and kind...while he still has contact with the OW? is he being kind and thoughtful to you..If he loves you, really loves you, then he would not do anything that would intentionally hurt you!

These horrible feelings of yours will continue as long as he keeps doing what he's doing! You will NEVER be able to let it go and move forward with him contacting her weekly.

There can be no forgiveness and no Reconciliation until ALL contact is broken. Every time he contacts her it's like starting all over again with anything you have accomplished.

Like another poster said, A marriage is between two people NOT three.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He's a cake eater.
He's not "in contact", he's full in the - at least - EA.

It's simple; NC or D.
OW must go. You don't share. Let along the complete lack of respect.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*No Contact!*

It's like this. Your husband and the other woman, they had a friendship.

However, when they got into an Emotional Affair, they broke that friendship and turned it into something tawdry, and nasty. (They were thinking hearts and flowers, but *WE * know different! We know tawdry and nasty when we see it!)

They must stop all contact. Their friendship needs to have the Coup de grâce.


----------



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

If it's no big deal, the surely her husband knows, or surely wouldn't have a problem knowing, right? Sounds like there has been no exposure here at all. Put some sunlight on it. It may be the only chance you still have left, other than divorce or doormat..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Let me explain from firsthand experience as an AP why allowing contact to continue doesn’t work…

Even if he wanted to go back to being friends, she probably doesn’t so she will always be pursuing something with him at some further level. Because he is emotionally attached to her, it will be difficult for him to say no. The MM that I had an affair with and I were very good friends, and we tried 7 or so times to go back to a friendship because we both really cared for eachother, and his wife hadn’t said he couldn’t. EACH time failed. One night we’d be saying, “We can’t do this…” the very next night we were in bed together. Anything but NC doesn’t work. 

It is of course not something I am at all proud of, but if me being able to offer that perspective (which is not a favored one around these parts), then I will do it. I am not okay with what I did, but I can’t change it either. 

Truly… put your foot down whether it be insisting on NC, filing, etc. You need to show him that you will not tolerate his crap. I can tell you that had my APs wife told anyone it’d have stopped things… she told no one, which only allowed us to continue. Don’t make the same mistakes…

There is a reason the answer to stop an affair is always the same... because it works. Allowing "friendly" contact doesn't work.


----------



## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Kindabitter,

You're getting good advice. Let me make a few observations:



Kindabitter said:


> I'll try and answer all the posted questions... excuse me if I miss one.  *He never admitted to making out with her. I know this because I have read every message between them.* *[So you know he is a liar.]* *They both feel guilty and agreed to lie about it to protect their families.* * [You even know that he planned to lie to you!]* Whatever. *I believe they did not go further than that, however they did confess their love for eachother and the desire to go further had they not been married.* *[It is highly unlikely that he has revealed the full truth to you. Remember, he is an avowed liar.]* I told him that I had read their messages and it all came to a head. *He made the decision to end it with her as I had already gone to see a lawyer.* * [Lesson -- the only thing that will get your WH to break it off with the OW is for you to threaten divorce.]* This was in September. *He and I decided to work it out, but he insisted on moving forward and not looking back. I was totally ok with that* *[as soon as you backed off, he went back to being a cheater]* until I noticed they were still in contact. He did tell her their contact would be on "special occasions only - like to share news of an important event" however it is basically happening once a week with a vague one or two sentence update on how they are doing and wishing eachother well. I asked a couple weeks ago if they were still in contact and he said yes, and then fwded a few of their messages in effort to comfort me that they are not continuing on as they were. *My answer to him was that I feel it is disrespectful that they are still in contact, and that it hurts me deeply.* *[By allowing this to continue, you are, in fact, facilitating the continuation of your WH's affair. Instead, you should be doing everything you can to end it.]* He was angry with my reply (I think mostly because I don't trust him... duh) and they continue to communicate. We've been married for 11 years this February. We have 9 kids, 6 who are grown and on their own and 3 still at home. *I don't want a divorce, I want to move forward but it is next to impossible to move forward when he's still hanging onto the past.* * [Right, but what you need to realize is that most cheating spouses won't stop cheating until they have no other choice. You haven't given him that choice yet.]* *I am not a door mat,* *[anyone who allows their cheating spouse to continue to communicate with the AP is being a doormat]* no matter how it sounds, I am trying to be the better person here. *If I wasn't, I'd follow my pissed off side and tell her entire family what she did and provide the proof.* * [If you were smart, you would do this and anything else you could do to force your WH to stop his affair.]* *I do want to send her a message and tell her to back off, I am just not sure that would actually work coming from me.* *[It won't work. She needs to hear it from your WH.]* *She has a bad marriage and my husband says he feels sorry for her.* *[Bullsh*t. He just wants to keep his affair alive and that's a convenient excuse.]* Which, is probably partly true, but it's not his responsibility to be there for her. I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because *he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship.* *[It sounds to me that you're the only one whose working on your relationship. He's eating cake.]* *I just want to forgive and not hate.* *[Forgiveness should wait until he is truly sorry for what he's done and does everything possible to make it up to you. He hasn't even begun to do that.]* For me, not for anything other than that. * I do not like these horrible feelings I have and I do not know how to get rid of them.* * [You won't get rid of them until either he gets rid of the OW or you get rid of your WH.]*
> Thanks
> Kindabitter


So stop being a doormat and give your WH an ultimatum -- he either ends all contact with the OW or you walk.

If he agrees, tell him to write her a NC letter explaining that he does not intend to contact her again and does not want her to to contact him because their relationship is wrong and he wants to save his marriage. Read the letter and mail if yourself. Then expose your WH's affair to your family, his family and the OW's husband. Ask yours and your WH's families to help you save your marriage by letting him know that they don't approve of what he's done. Then demand that he make all of his communications available to you and monitor them closely. Then get a good MC and start rebuilding your marriage.

If he refuses, go back and talk to your lawyer.

Good luck.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kindabitter said:


> My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her.


Just an emotional affair... with touching. Sorry no. He had both a physical affair and an emotional affair. 



Kindabitter said:


> And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc.


"Just friends" is complete BS. No sexual communication? Who cares. It's still emotional and it's still an affair. 



Kindabitter said:


> It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me.


Of course it pisses you off. He is continuing to betray you and you are letting him. Just friends, huh? Then why isn't he being YOUR friend anymore? 



Kindabitter said:


> He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it.


He has no right to be angry with anybody but himself. And he is, but is projecting it onto you. See it for what it is. He's a cheater and has NO respect for you right now.



Kindabitter said:


> I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.


You should move on! *Without him.* Be kind to yourself. He doesn't deserve kindness nor forgiveness right now.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

> Pulmonary Embolism (a blood clot in the lung) is a serious condition that can:
> *Damage part of your lung because of a lack of blood flow to your lung tissue. & can increase pressure in the pulmonary arteries
> 
> *Cause low oxygen levels in your blood.
> ...


Let's say your husband has been diagnosed with PE. The treatment involves taking an anticoagulant drug for a period of time and rest. 

But your husband hates pills and wants to keep going to work because he has an important project to complete. The treatment is fairly easy - not painful (possible side effects but high success rate). 

He asks your advice and reminds you that it isn't causing much pain at the moment - only on rare occasions. He doesn't want to deal with bed rest and doesn't want drugs. He want you to help him figure out ways to get over it. 

You would be foolish to agree with him. Very foolish. 

We would be foolish to tell you to do nothing about the clot in your marriage - and just offer ways of getting over it.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The other woman sold a bunch of crap on what an abuser her husband is and OP bought it..

I can imagine this woman telling her husband on how she "supports" her friend because he is in a horrible marriage with a cruel wife.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The other woman sold a bunch of crap on what an abuser her husband is and OP bought it..
> 
> I can imagine this woman telling her husband on how she "supports" her friend because he is in a horrible marriage with a cruel wife.


Yes, this is how it works. 

As my stbxw was being extremely verbally abusive to me, she was telling her posOM about how emotionally unavailable, jealous and controlling I was. How I was "going crazy" because I was pointing out her lies and questioning her relationship with him.

As they become more attached to their AP, they compare the AP to their BS and focus on every little thing that has ever gone wrong and amplify them in order to justify their actions and alleviate their guilt.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Could not forgive if contact continued!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> Let's say your husband has been diagnosed with PE. The treatment involves taking an anticoagulant drug for a period of time and rest.
> 
> But your husband hates pills and wants to keep going to work because he has an important project to complete. The treatment is fairly easy - not painful (possible side effects but high success rate).
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> The other woman sold a bunch of crap on what an abuser her husband is and OP bought it..
> 
> I can imagine this woman telling her husband on how she "supports" her friend because he is in a horrible marriage with a cruel wife.


*Let's suppose that every negative thing the OW said about her husband was 100% true, what right does that give her to spoil some other woman's marriage?
*


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Kindabitter~

May I take a moment and perhaps help explain why it seems like everyone is telling you to divorce rather than answer your question? 

It sounds to me like you are trying to do the best thing for yourself and your family and your kids, and even though your husband has treated you in a painful way, you're trying to "do the right thing" and "be the bigger person" and be kind and forgiving. BUT instead of telling you how to be forgiving, people jumped right to telling you to divorce him! It sounds like we WANT you two to split up almost, right? 

No. Actually we are trying to do two things but we didn't explain it. 1) In real life we are recommending the things we're recommending so that you can avoid false reconciliation, and 2) We are hoping the affair will be killed and you two will reconcile and rebuild a new, stronger marriage. 

So let me be clear about a couple things. I'll quote from what you wrote, okay?



> He never admitted to making out with her. I know this because I have read every message between them. They both feel guilty and agreed to lie about it to protect their families.


 This is significant because he did not come to you and confess that he was being unfaithful, and it shows that both of them are willing to lie in order to continue their affair. They call it "protecting their families" but if that was the true intent, wouldn't one of them have said, "My loyalties are to my children and my spouse and I will not endanger them by acting on my feelings for anyone but the one to whom I promised...my spouse. So you need to go away." See? THAT is protecting your family. What their actions ACTUALLY did was to weaken and endanger their children, their marriages, their households, their assets, and everything in their world! And they said out loud they are willing to lie to cover it up! So what has changed magically now? Do you suppose that all of a sudden now they are NOT willing to lie? 



> I believe they did not go further than that, however they did confess their love for each other and the desire to go further had they not been married.


So in their own words, they "love" each other, and in their own words they WANT to "go further" meaning I suppose that they have sexual desire for each--lust, if you will--but the only thing stopping him from bedding her was that they are both married. This is significant because I'm not sure what their definition of "love" is, but I'd venture a guess that it's mostly a bunch of emotions wrapped up in sexual desire. But that's not what "love" is! LOVE is an action. Love is treating someone in a loving way and wanting what is best for them--and wouldn't the best for "her" be to help her honor her vows of faithfulness and help her build a strong, loving marriage with her husband? Then if this is "love" wouldn't he have pointed her to a counselor or a pastor/minister who could help her become the kind of woman who is honest and faithful and help her build HER marriage? It's not "love" to lead someone into lust and break apart their marriage and family!!



> He and I decided to work it out, but he insisted on moving forward and not looking back.


 Okay this is called "rug sweeping". It's my hope that someone here can link to some of the excellent posts on rug sweeping, but what it means is that he insisted on not changing himself, doing no work to build something better with you, having to pay no consequences for his choices, and basically forcing you to act like the big elephant in the room ISN"T in the room! "Sweep it under the rug and pretend nothing's wrong" and you know what? Ignoring the problem does not fix anything. An affair is like a seismic crack in the foundation of your marriage, and he INSISTED that rather than fixing it, you just build on a cracked foundation! That means whatever you build on it is still broken. 



> I was totally ok with that until I noticed they were still in contact...


 Quick question here: did he tell up right up front that they were still in contact? Or did he LIE and even if he didn't say it out loud, did he "act" like he wasn't in contact? Are you beginning to see that the lying is pretty consistent and that in reality it has been you that's been denying it's happening?



> ...it is basically happening once a week with a vague one or two sentence update on how they are doing and wishing each other well.


 So despite telling you that he as "ending it" with her (How is it ended, exactly? I don't see it), behind your back they have continued and now the contact is pretty frequent and pretty regular. Okay maybe it's not 1000 emails a week, but it's not OVER. See that?



> My answer to him was that I feel it is disrespectful that they are still in contact, and that it hurts me deeply. He was angry with my reply (I think mostly because I don't trust him... duh) and they continue to communicate.


 This is significant because it IS disrespectful to continue, and despite knowing that he is causing deep pain in his marriage, he continues to choose to contact her. See, when he married you, he stood before God and his family and friends, and he made promises TO YOU. The promises were that he would FORSAKE ALL OTHERS and that he would spend his lifetime treating you in a loving way--not that he would "have feelings" for you forever, or get his own needs met. He promised 100% of his AFFECTION and LOYALTY to you. Period. Sooo...to give any percentage of either his affection or his loyalty to any other person is disrespectful!! Now look at your words. He knows his actions are deeply hurting you--that does not sound like affection to me! Who IS getting his affection, cuz it's not you!? And knowing that he has a choice between being loyal to you and being loyal to her, who is he choosing? You tell me? 



> I don't want a divorce, I want to move forward but it is next to impossible to move forward when he's still hanging onto the past.


 Okay that's cool. I don't want you to divorce either. I bet MOST of the people responding to you here don't want you to divorce either. Here's the problem: we aren't in the marriage so we can't decide that. YOU are in the marriage and HE is in the marriage. And unless he begins to be IN the marriage and act to repair the marriage, it may well be that what you do not want will be THRUST upon you!! 

And make no mistake, Kindabitter, it is not "next to impossible to move forward" ... IT IS IMPOSSIBLE because you two can not move forward until the affair is completely 100% OVER. You and your husband will not be okay and your marriage will not be repaired as long as he is in contact with her...and that's because as long as he is in contact with her, the affair may be very minimal but it will be ongoing. The reason you can not forgive and move on is because it keeps happening and is still happening. It's like saying "Why can't I forgive him for lying?" while he is still lying to you! Well...that's because the lying hasn't ended yet!!

So to answer your question ("How do I forgive and move on?"), the answer is that before you can do that, the affair needs to STOP 100%, and it hasn't. Thus, the first step is to end the affair. After it is 100% all over and there is NO CONTACT at all, ever, in any way....then you two may be able to move on and reconcile, but even then only if your husband is also willing to look at himself and learn and grow...AND CHANGE. You can't sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. 

Sooooo...Job #1 is to end the affair. 



> She has a bad marriage and my husband says he feels sorry for her...it's not his responsibility to be there for her.


 So, give her the phone number to the nearest marriage counselor or spiritual leader, and then get the heck out of her life already!! Your husband's responsibilities are TO YOU -and- he knows that his actions have been hurting you and harming the marriage! So he has work to do in his own marriage! See, Kindabitter, this is a smokescreen. It's meant to throw you off track. Don't be distracted by this trick. Instead stay focused on ending the affair by having NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. 



> I get all of that and I don't need to be told I'm being walked on or that he chose her over me - because he is still married to me and he is working on our relationship.


 Okay here is my final word to you. You have two choices now. You can continue to deny and pretend everything is okay and he is working on your relationship (how? by continuing to act in a way that hurts you?), or you can let the scales fall from your eyes, stop denying, and see that reality is that the affair never stopped. I know it really hurts to admit that, even to yourself, but it's the Truth! You can deal with what is True and you can build on the Truth! If you build on a lie, I warn you, Kindabitter, it will all come falling down...and we are trying to help you prevent that from happening!

So I know you hurt and feel awful inside--but you know why? It's not because you can't forgive and move on! I bet you could, to be honest with you. Nope, it's because inside your gut knows that continuing to contact her is continuing the affair, but your "ears" are hearing what your gut knows is false. Your inside and your outside are getting two different messages and it makes you sick. But Kindabitter, your inside is right. That part of you that aches when he contacts her is right. That has to end before any work can be done on your relationship and before you will be able to forgive or move on. 

I would recommend/suggest three steps:

#1--Confront him directly and tell him that when you two married, he promised you 100% of his affection and loyalty, and you are tired of sharing both his affection and loyalty with someone else. Ask him directly to write a No Contact Letter (here are some Sample No Contact Letters) and end all contact with her forever. If he refuses, go to the next step. 

#2 Disclose his affair to one other person whom he trusts and who he looks up to. This would usually be someone like a parent (his father maybe?), a pastor, a counselor, or a mentor. Do not show them ALL the proof you have, but show them enough that they realize it is an actual, ongoing affair, and ask if they would help you save your marriage by encouraging him to end the affair. Now, when you disclose to someone else, he is likely to be VERY mad!!!! But I want you to remember something. Marriage can survive anger (people often get angry in a marriage) but they can NOT survive infidelity!! So don't be thrown off track if he gets angry--his hope is that if he gets angry, you'll stop what you're doing and he can go back to the affair! If he still will not end all contact with her, go to the next step. 

#3 Expose the affair to the people who will likely be affected if there is a divorce. So for example, you would NOT contact the Other Woman (OW) and tell her to back off--she'll just think you are being controlling and lie some more. Nope, Instead you would contact a very select group of people such as your parents and his parents, your siblings and his siblings, the OW's husband, and your pastor or spiritual leader. The idea here is not to air dirty laundry, but rather to tell the Truth. See, part of the "thrill" of adultery is that it is a secret. Well nothing kills an affair faster than shining the big, bright light of THE TRUTH on it!! See the overall big goal in telling these people is twofold: to drop a bomb on the little fun secret affair...and to let these folks know that their world is in danger! They might be losing half their access to their own grandkids, etc. and also you can let them know right out that you want to save the marriage and you've asked him to stop, but he won't -- and ask them if they will encourage him to stop and be there for you as you go through this difficult time. If this is an affair at work (and ONLY if this is an affair at work) you may also want to tell your employer and his employer. You tell your boss because if you don't they'll wonder why your productivity is plummeting...and you tell HIS boss so the boss knows that work time and resources are being used for personal reasons! [NOTE TO SELF: If this is not an affair happening at work, there is no reason to tell his work because that would just be revenge. You may want to tell your work, but that's up to you]

If all those steps don't work, then Kindabitter, you will know where you stand. At that point, he will have chosen his affair before your marriage, and it will then be up to you to decide if you want to live in an open marriage. If you decide that swinging is not for you, then you would be free to divorce because it wasn't YOU who committed adultery and would not stop--it was him.


----------



## Enchanted (Jan 2, 2013)

Kindabitter said:


> My husband had an emotional affair - and he "made out" with her. And he insists on staying "just friends" now - he broke off the sexual communications, etc, and are just sending an email back and forth a week with a brief update, etc. It pisses me off, he knows I do not like it and I've told him it hurts me. He gets angry and insists it's nothing and tells me to get over it. I hate her, I am very upset with him and I want to be forgiving and kind and move on. Please help.


I don't understand what you are suppose to forgive?? He's still having an affair there's no such thing as "just friends" after kissing.


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Enchanted said:


> I don't understand what you are suppose to forgive?? He's still having an affair there's no such thing as "just friends" after kissing.


It's like only rubbing coke on your gums after going on a bender. It's not going up my nose so it doesn't count, right?


----------

