# Sex and culture



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I hope this is in the correct sub forum. If not in the right forum (mods) feel free to move it. 

Although I grew up in the U.S., my cultural upbringing was one where sex was not a taboo subject. It is not as if it was discussed around the dinner table but I never felt like it was hush hush topic. But, it also was not one where my parents or adult relatives were spreading their aloha around (if you catch my drift). Even as my parents aged (I was in my late teens) I could hear them going for it, thin walls. They did not try to hide it nor did they ever appear ashamed about it. 

My wife on the other hand grew up far more conservative. She said it was not a topic that was ever discussed. So it was an adjustment for my wife (still is when she thinks someone can hear us - yes we get enthusiastic at times). I just got used to telling my sons it is time for them to leave and I lock the door. They know what is going on... My wife at first could barely handle it. But, I just don't see where it is something that needs to be hidden completely. We don't do it as a public display but I don't see the point in acting as though we don't have sex. I think it is is healthy that our sons know mom and dad still love each other. We do tell them that it really should be reserved for that special person (do as I say not as I did). 

Just wondering how others view their sexuality in their own marriage and whether they think their cultural upbringing affects their sexual attitudes.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm more like your wife, and yes, I think how we were brought up definitely affects how we view sex!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think you have the right attitude. I was brought up in a very conservative household. There were no birds and bees discussed. My parents could leap across a room like a ninja and grab a remote control at the first flash of bare skin on television. Which pretty much left me to learn about sex from discarded Hustler mags and whatever I could glean from the occasional R rated movie I'd sneak in from the video store. That leaves a lot of holes in your knowledge, if you'll pardon the turn of phrase.

My wife grew up with a very overprotective father, and later after her parents divorced lived with her somewhat more liberal mother. Her mom would often bring her boyfriend over at the time, and my wife knew good and well what was going on. From that perspective--like your sons--she understood that sex happens. 

From our mutual upbringings, you'd expect me to be the repressed one, and her to be the more curious adventurous one. Not so. I think upbringing does play a part in how we view sex as an adult, but I think our own personal inherent views is the main factor ultimately.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My view is much more like your view @Ikaika and that's how we handle sex in our home. Our kids know we're going at it. I even hear remarks the next day, "hear you and dad last night. Could you turn the TV up or something?" 

I wasn't always this open though. Like what @Fozzy said, we all bring our own personality as well as our upbringing into our marriage. How we responded to our upbringing and how we feel/felt about that response determine what we take with us and what we leave behind. 

I decided to leave behind the shame and embarrassment and it was the best decision I've ever made! I don't see why we have to hide the fact that we have sex from our kids. I think it's a good thing not to hide it. Now maybe they shouldn't be hearing the script from a role play, or the buzz from toys but then again, why should we hide that? Sex is fun. Adults get to have this kind of fun. Mp when married people have this kind of fun together their marriage is made stronger because of it. That's a good thing.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

When it came to sex in our marriage, early on, I had show my wife a lot of things. I let my freak flag fly when it came to sex. Now we are both pretty adventurous in our marriage. I agree @Anon Pink we have nothing to hide and no it is not some porn movie in production at our house, but the boys understand mom and dad time. They go to their rooms and close their doors. Even though they roll their eyes, I think it in the end they feel secure that mom and dad love each other this much even after two decades. 

Having said all this, I feel for those in mismatched marriages... I read about too many here on TAM.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I am kind of in the same situation as my wife grew up in an ultra conservative culture and was very protected from most things including the topic of sex. Things were shocking to her at first, but she has matured about it, and has made it a point to really talk to the kids so they are not as naive as she was growing up. 

One thing I found hilarious was when we were driving around one day with the kids on the back seat. We were not tuned into the fact that they understood all our grown up innuendos being discussed in the front seat. At the time my wife and I had recently had a fight over something and she would not calm down about something in order to schedule some time for intimacy. Then from the backseat we both hear our daughter yell at us, 

"Momma, dad has been being really nice to you today! Stop being so upset and just give it to him!"

Now a days our innuendos are much more complex, but occasionally one of the kids will say, "wait a minute, you guys are NOT really talking about having to go take care of past due government paperwork!"

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I grew up in a sexually conservative home - I have to wonder if my parents ever had sex except to conceive me, that one time! My wife didn't have any sexual role models - her parents were divorced when she was young. Somehow, though, we both developed very open sexual attitudes. When the kids were with us, we were discreet, but didn't hide that we'd go off for some adult fun - and they were very smart kids so knew what was going on. We could discuss sex and relationships with them quite frankly - I think they appreciated that.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I am kind of in the same situation as my wife grew up in an ultra conservative culture and was very protected from most things including the topic of sex. Things were shocking to her at first, but she has matured about it, and has made it a point to really talk to the kids so they are not as naive as she was growing up.
> 
> One thing I found hilarious was when we were driving around one day with the kids on the back seat. We were not tuned into the fact that they understood all our grown up innuendos being discussed in the front seat. At the time my wife and I had recently had a fight over something and she would not calm down about something in order to schedule some time for intimacy. Then from the backseat we both hear our daughter yell at us,
> 
> ...


I love it that my kids are still young enough that they're not picking up on our innuendos yet. Somehow though, I think it might be even funnier after they do start to get it.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> My view is much more like your view @Ikaika and that's how we handle sex in our home. Our kids know we're going at it. I even hear remarks the next day, "hear you and dad last night. Could you turn the TV up or something?"
> 
> I wasn't always this open though. Like what @Fozzy said, we all bring our own personality as well as our upbringing into our marriage. How we responded to our upbringing and how we feel/felt about that response determine what we take with us and what we leave behind.
> 
> I decided to leave behind the shame and embarrassment and it was the best decision I've ever made! I don't see why we have to hide the fact that we have sex from our kids. I think it's a good thing not to hide it. Now maybe they shouldn't be hearing the script from a role play, or the buzz from toys but then again, why should we hide that? Sex is fun. Adults get to have this kind of fun. Mp when married people have this kind of fun together their marriage is made stronger because of it. That's a good thing.



Just the other day my wife surprised me with a bunch of sleezy fake tattoos. I love tramp stamps. She thought no one could see them under her clothes. My 18 year old son caught a glimpse of one and said "what the hell is that?" Wife was quick on her feet saying she was playing a trick on me. I wonder if he bought it? I doubt it:grin2:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

What's this "sex" this of which you speak???


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ikaika said:


> Just wondering how others view their sexuality in their own marriage and whether they think their cultural upbringing affects their sexual attitudes.


This is an interesting topic but I don't have time to really put together a cogent response today. Culture to me is far more than just family. It includes community and the larger picture of pop culture in the media. But family does greatly influence our sexual attitudes and behaviors. Personal experiences also influence our attitudes and behaviors.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I was raised with very open sexuality. My parents were raised in a house so uptight about sex, they had no idea that the "playing around" could end up with my mom pregnant. Both of them vowed to not have children raised that way. 

My wife was raised in a mixed house. My FIL is a horndog (really more was at this point, he's 85). MIL was mixed on it. I get the inkling they had a good sex life, but MIL is VERY uptight on the topic. She buried her head in the sand about pre-marital sex with my wife and I. I think it was almost willful denial. With BIL and his wife MIL really flipped out. I think MIL wanted to be a welcoming person to her future DIL, but she was really hung up on it.

This attitude did rub off on my wife. She is very uncomfortable about talking to our daughters about sex. They both just come to me instead at this point.

Another factor semi-related to this is family modesty. There can be a very drastic difference from one family to another. Both my wife's and I's families were not modest people. It was considered not to be a big deal for non-sexual nudity around any family member. I know that for some couples this is another area where there can be sharp disagreements.


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## MrVanilla (Apr 24, 2012)

It wasn’t until junior high before it became clear to me that my parents probably had sex. They never spoke about it. I never got the talk. For years, my only education was a ninth grade health chapter of simple line drawings and body part names. It was kind of like a Geography quiz. I can’t call sex a ‘taboo’ subject when I was growing up, because it simply didn’t exist. Before my SO began a conversation about it, all I knew was what I’d gleaned from previous long-term relationships. That was the only place sex belonged. 

Even now, when I read some of the threads here I don’t know what to say. There’s an active thread about visiting a strip club and I’m flabbergasted. I don’t understand how they remain open. To me it’s a business model based on sexual objectivity and I wouldn’t be caught anywhere near one, let alone visit it with my SO. She laughs now when I’m honest like that, but she’s had a very difficult time with me. She’s made ‘suggestions’ and hints over the years about variations that I never ‘got’ because I had no idea what she was hinting at. So, yes, for me, cultural upbringing did influence attitudes.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I grew up in a home where I never once saw any physical affection between my parents. My dad's mother was a mean drunk, and I suspect my dad may have also experienced some kind of sex abuse. He didn't trust women an inch, and had a pretty low opinion of them. He liked to promote the Disney ideal, that nice girls were skinny, pretty, and didn't like sex. We never had a birds/bees conversation. My mom was nuts and bolts about sex education, and that was it.

The town I grew up in was generally conservative middle to upper middle class. Doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher, business owner, firefighter were the professions of my friends' parents. Born in 1960, I remember the chaos and volatility of the 1960s and early 1970s. The Vietnam war, the draft, race riots, assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr, Kent State. A friend's older brother coming home from the war a hemiplegic due to gunshot to the head. National Guard tanks in the streets of neighboring towns. Agnew, Nixon, Watergate.

Hippies. There were some fun fashions like tie-dyed shirts, long hair, crazy big bell bottomed pants. But real hippies, they were dirty druggy drop outs from society. At least according to the media and our community.

Television was generally wholesome, and no cable or satellite. Andy Griffith, I Love Lucy, Bonanza, Welcome Back Kotter, Barney Smith, Rockford Files, Dukes of Hazzard. There was a clear line between right/wrong. We listened to music on an AM radio. Singer-songwriter, classic rock, and Motown. Lots of love songs and peace songs. Some angry anti-establishment songs.

So I was in a slice of time and space where we grew up seeing the bad things of the 60's and early 70's but weren't old enough to have been part of that culture. In contrast we saw how the traditional values of family, education, and work had provided a nice quality of life for our community and families. And thus we rebelled against the rebellion. 

My high school class was '78. I was aware of those in the classes of '76 through '80, and observed a marked trend away from the hippie free love and drug culture that preceded us. We were before the 80's when the Yuppie thing started up. My class was sexually conservative, with perhaps less than 20% losing virginity before graduating high school. The police patrolled areas where teens might go parking. Opportunity was limited.

Going into marriage I expected good and reasonably frequent sex. When my wife had so many emotional difficulties, I didn't really understand how unusual or dysfunctional it was. I thought it simply confirmed the stereotype of women not really liking or wanting sex.

And I put up with it because of my concept that marriage and family are important, that I should not simply abandon her immediately (even though I really thought about it in the first few years). When the first baby came along I was not leaving.

I know this wasn't really the main focus of the original idea, but for me I have put up with dysfunction due to how I was raised and what I learned as values. Had I been more experienced when I met my wife, or had an understanding of what healthy sexuality looks like in a marriage, I would not have simply accepted things as they were.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Thor said:


> I grew up in a home where I never once saw any physical affection between my parents. My dad's mother was a mean drunk, and I suspect my dad may have also experienced some kind of sex abuse. He didn't trust women an inch, and had a pretty low opinion of them. He liked to promote the Disney ideal, that nice girls were skinny, pretty, and didn't like sex. We never had a birds/bees conversation. My mom was nuts and bolts about sex education, and that was it.
> 
> The town I grew up in was generally conservative middle to upper middle class. Doctor, lawyer, engineer, teacher, business owner, firefighter were the professions of my friends' parents. Born in 1960, I remember the chaos and volatility of the 1960s and early 1970s. The Vietnam war, the draft, race riots, assassinations of Bobby Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr, Kent State. A friend's older brother coming home from the war a hemiplegic due to gunshot to the head. National Guard tanks in the streets of neighboring towns. Agnew, Nixon, Watergate.
> 
> ...



The focus is right on and it defines obviously who we are in our lives. Thank you for sharing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

To add a bit, my wife grew up in a dysfunctional home with no physical expression of affection. A lot of dysfunction in her family with her parents and grandparents. So my wife grew up seeing marriage in general as being about practicalities not affection. But all of her boyfriends as a teen were 4 or more years older than her. She was sexual with boyfriends by age 15 (that I know of, maybe younger). Yes, her parents were also negligent! These boyfriends did grow up part of the 60's culture, which really happened in the early 70's. They were part of the free love revolution. My wife's history of CSA didn't help her learn about healthy sexuality either. So she very much has the attitude of sex is just sex. It doesn't mean anything. But due to her CSA and family dysfunctions she also sees sex as a tool of manipulation.

Our marital issues are quite understandable knowing our histories.


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Ikaika said:


> Just wondering how others view their sexuality in their own marriage and whether they think their cultural upbringing affects their sexual attitudes.


It is called cultural imprinting. The imprinting message for a conservative house goes something like this: " The Moral Message" sex is between a married man and women. "The Medical Message" sex is for production of babies and all other sex is risky because of STD's. "The Media Message" depends on what you watch, read and listen too. Most all of these messages are based on hearsay! 

The first sexual encounters a person has is called sexual imprinting. If her first sexual encounters were most likely keep secret and she felt ashamed. She is perfect candidate to become sexually dysfunctional. 

Some studies suggest 75% of women do not have orgasms with intercourse alone. My view is that a women should be able to have both clitoris and G-spot orgasm by intercourse alone or you are sexually dysfunctional. Most women are sexually dysfunctional. We are a culture of sexually dysfunctional people.


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