# When do you tell your ex?



## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

I have been divorced for about a year and a half now. We were separated for about a year before that. Before my divorce was final I met a guy (I wasn't looking to date, it just happened...and ex had already been out of the house for months). We dated on and off for a year but it didn't seem like a good time for either of us. We reconnected a few months ago and now things are going well. I have told both of my children that I am dating someone. My daughter has even met him (she is 18). 

I don't know when I should mention it to my ex. He doesn't seem to have moved on. I was the one who initiated the divorce. The other day he told me he loved me on the phone. Do I tell him about the new guy? Would that make things better or worse? I would prefer to tell him than him finding out from the kids or some other way. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to move on at some point.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

About the same time you are comfortable introducing to your kids. It should be pretty serious at that point. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

momto2 said:


> I have been divorced for about a year and a half now. We were separated for about a year before that. Before my divorce was final I met a guy (I wasn't looking to date, it just happened...and ex had already been out of the house for months). We dated on and off for a year but it didn't seem like a good time for either of us. We reconnected a few months ago and now things are going well. I have told both of my children that I am dating someone. My daughter has even met him (she is 18).
> 
> I don't know when I should mention it to my ex. He doesn't seem to have moved on. I was the one who initiated the divorce. The other day he told me he loved me on the phone. Do I tell him about the new guy? Would that make things better or worse? I would prefer to tell him than him finding out from the kids or some other way. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to move on at some point.


If you have minor children, your ex has a right to know that there may soon be another guy spending a significant amount of time in their presence.

As for when, I'd go w/ @Acoa's suggestion.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

It depends. You've only seriously dated this guy a few months and it sounds like your ex is still hung up on you. Do you think he'll become angry after hearing the info? Would he try to lash out with custody or financial withholding? Would he try to play your kids against you? 

Run through all the possible scenarios before you decide to say anything. Then decide if the 3 month dating relationship is worth the possible consequences of telling the ex.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Once you told your kids it is pretty safe to assume that they already have or soon will mention it to him. So if you want to tell him first the clock is ticking. In general don't share details of your dating life with your kids unless you're fine with it being out in the open.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Why did you get divorced? I think that matters. Did you cheat? Did he? Was he abusive?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree that if you have minor children, it's best to let your ex-spouse know you're going to introduce (or have recently introduced) the children to your new partner. If there are no minor children in the picture, then I really don't know that you are required to inform your ex-spouse at all. There's no need to hide a new partner, but unless you're involving young children, all you really owe your ex is honesty if they ask if you're dating someone new. 

OP, if your ex-husband still seems to be hanging on after all this time, then I do think it might be a kindness to let him know you're in a new relationship. Just as you would for any other man who seems to be hitting on you when you're otherwise engaged.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If your children know, you really must update your ex today. Not for him, for your children. Don't leave them knowing a secret like this feeling forced not to tell dad. Down the road no. Building a new life is hard, you are divorced so I think there ae only two reasons to share the fact there is a new relationship: if it forces him to move on or it leaves childen feeling like they should tell Dad but can't.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

JohnA said:


> If your children know, you really must update your ex today. Not for him, for your children. Don't leave them knowing a secret like this feeling forced not to tell dad. Down the road no. Building a new life is hard, you are divorced so I think there ae only two reasons to share the fact there is a new relationship: if it forces him to move on or it leaves childen feeling like they should tell Dad but can't.


And maybe they don't think it's a secret, so it will come out in some conversation. If he isn't prepared for that, and gets angry, he may do so in front of the kids. 

Better to take the brunt of his hurt and anger and shield your kids from that reaction. Who knows, maybe he'll take it just fine. How he takes it isn't really your concern. But on the chance he does get emotional about it, you don't want your kids in the line of fire.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

momto2 said:


> I have been divorced for about a year and a half now. We were separated for about a year before that. Before my divorce was final I met a guy (I wasn't looking to date, it just happened...and ex had already been out of the house for months). We dated on and off for a year but it didn't seem like a good time for either of us. We reconnected a few months ago and now things are going well. I have told both of my children that I am dating someone. My daughter has even met him (she is 18).
> 
> I don't know when I should mention it to my ex. He doesn't seem to have moved on. I was the one who initiated the divorce. The other day he told me he loved me on the phone. Do I tell him about the new guy? Would that make things better or worse? I would prefer to tell him than him finding out from the kids or some other way. I don't want to hurt him but he needs to move on at some point.


If you have any non-adult children who have or are going to meet him, you should tell your ex and have a discussion about how that's going to go.

If your kids are adults, or are not going to meet him, then it's really none of his business. 

We didn't have kids, but I never 'informed' my ex when I started dating. But it was after we were done.

Why are you talking to him on the phone and hearing "I love you" with your ex? If your kids are adults?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My rule has always been to tell my X wife about someone I'm dating when I get to the point that I am introducing my children to my GF. This has only happend 3 times in the past 5 years. I only do this as a curtosy because I want to know when she will have strange men around my daughters. So far that hasn't happened


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Hearing that you are seeing someone may finally be the slap in the face he needs to move on. Pretty pathetic that he is still hung up after a year and a half. I know my ex was still holding onto hope after I moved out, and when I told him I started dating, he shut me out completely. So the sooner the better for both of you.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Why did you get divorced? I think that matters. Did you cheat? Did he? Was he abusive?


We were pretty much roommates by the time I asked for the divorce. I never cheated and I'm pretty sure he didn't either. He wasn't abusive. It just didn't work out. I think part of the problem is that we got married young. I wasn't in love with him anymore. We tried to work things out but I think things were already over at that point. His family is catholic and pretty traditional. I don't think he ever expected me to actually go through with the divorce even though I mentioned multiple times that I was unhappy and wanted one.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

marduk said:


> If you have any non-adult children who have or are going to meet him, you should tell your ex and have a discussion about how that's going to go.
> 
> If your kids are adults, or are not going to meet him, then it's really none of his business.
> 
> ...


I have an 18-year-old daughter from a previous relationship. He was in her life since she was 2 and pretty much raised her (her bio dad isn't around much). We have a 12-year-old together. We were talking about our son when he told me that.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. Sorry it took me a while to reply but you know how busy life can be! I had a feeling that I should tell him. The new guy isn't hanging out with my kids but I wanted them to know in case we ran into them around our suburb. I think telling my ex myself would be the most respectful thing to do. I hope he doesn't get too upset or start asking my kids questions. He has done that before. He asked my daughter a bunch of questions about if I was dating someone. She told me later. I didn't confront him because I didn't want her to get involved (and she asked me not to).


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

momto2 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. Sorry it took me a while to reply but you know how busy life can be! I had a feeling that I should tell him. The new guy isn't hanging out with my kids but I wanted them to know in case we ran into them around our suburb. I think telling my ex myself would be the most respectful thing to do. I hope he doesn't get too upset or start asking my kids questions. He has done that before. He asked my daughter a bunch of questions about if I was dating someone. She told me later. I didn't confront him because I didn't want her to get involved (and she asked me not to).


If your kids are mature enough to comprehend it, make sure to tell them they are under no obligation to relay information between you and your ex. 

They can answer questions as it relates to themselves, how they are treated and scheduling. If they are asked questions they are uncomfortable answering they are free to say "you would have to ask her(or him)". 

I always make sure such rules work both directions so that it's clear that it's fair.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

Acoa said:


> If your kids are mature enough to comprehend it, make sure to tell them they are under no obligation to relay information between you and your ex.
> 
> They can answer questions as it relates to themselves, how they are treated and scheduling. If they are asked questions they are uncomfortable answering they are free to say "you would have to ask her(or him)".
> 
> I always make sure such rules work both directions so that it's clear that it's fair.


She pretty much told him that she didn't know anything about my dating life. I just hate getting our children involved in any of our personal business.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell him that. You're both adults, you shouldn't have your children play middlemen in your personal lives. 

The best way to move on, is to actually move on, with confidence. If he takes longer or a different approach to moving on, that's frankly not your problem anymore.


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