# Struggling with son's behavior



## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

It will almost be 1 full year that I have been officially divorced. My ex and I share custody of my 3 1/2 year old son. I have him 9 days and my ex has him 5 days out of a 2 week period. I am having extreme difficulties with my son's behavior after transitioning back to my house. I suggested that we take my son to counseling because he has begun hitting himself in his forehead when he gets frustrated along with hitting my dogs. He also has tried to hit and bite me as well, along with attempting to throw things at me. I have also noticed that his temper can escalate from 0 - 10 in a few seconds. He also tells me he wants to go back to daddy's.

My ex states that my son does not show any signs of these behaviors when he has him, which I don't believe. My ex has a tendency of hiding things and lying to make himself look good. My ex is the one who carries the insurance for my son and I asked him for the insurance card but he claims his company had problems with the cards so he does not have one to give me at this point. 

At this point I have become very frustrated with the situation and my son's behavior. Any suggestions?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

My son also does these behaviors by both of his grandparents, so I'm thinking he's not the perfect angel that my ex says he is. Plus right now my ex has my son so fixated on star wars that his aggressive behaviors have increased. My ex put away all of my son's toys and just has his star wars toys out.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Get a copy of the insurance card and ask the pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist. Your son is showing a lot of signs of frustration, anger and impulse control.

Be mindful of how you handle him. Do not let him sense your anger and frustration you have with your xhusband.

This is a hard time for the little guy. He is one of those kids that don't handle changes well. All the moving back and forth is upsetting to him and is taking away from his sense of belonging. He has no control over what he wants. He has no sense of permanence. 

Kids need to know where they belong. They need structure and their own things. They need to know when they fall apart, they have somewhere they can rest and it's their.

You need to reevaluate what is in his best interest. Maybe, you get him on weekends only or just holidays. Or you get him for a few months then he goes to his dad. Just to lessen the impact of frequent moving.


.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

They don't call it the Terrible Three's for nothing! Kids that age can be jerks. What matters is how you handle it. Calm, firm, consistent discipline seems to work well. Actions have consequences. Kids need discipline to feel secure and to learn what is and is not acceptable.

My kids acted the same way with their father your son acts with you, but were well behaved with me. The difference was that the rules of behavior at my house were well established and enforced. At my exH's house, things were a little more lax. Give a kid an inch, they'll take a foot.

It's entirely possible your son misbehaves with you and the grandparents because he knows he can get away with it.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the little sprout exhibits the same bad behavior over and over, it's because he's been allowed to. More than a shrink he needs firm boundaries a 3 year old can understand and immediate and consistent consequences unpleasant enough to make the tantrums not worth their results. A 3 year old acting out isn't a medical problem, it's a 3 year old in need of parenting. One that didn't test boundaries or act out would be abnormal. Frustration comes from expecting one thing and getting another. You should expect your kid will act out and expect that you can and will control your kid's behavior. If you believe you are incapable of squaring him away, he will believe it even more. This isn't a battle between you and your ex. This is a kid who hasn't been convinced of who is in charge when he's at your house or at his grandparent's home. Even if he acts like a little demon anywhere else, he won't act that way around you unless you tolerate it. People (even toddlers) do what works and they avoid doing what doesn't work. He's getting some sort of pay-off for acting as you have described. Don't reward bad behavior and reward the kind of behavior you want. If he gets loads of attention from acting out, quit giving it to him and stick him in his room or in a corner. Give him attention when he's doing the right thing. If you don't teach him to not bite the dog the dog will eventually teach him.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do not be so quick to conclude that your sons behavior has anything at all to do with the divorce of splitting his time between your him and his fathers home. What you describe sounds like pretty normal behavior for a child his age. Normal does not mean correct.

Young children throw temper tantrums because they are overwhelmed (with whatever it is they are feeling) and do not possess the skills to cope with it, and more importantly in this circumstance is that they do not possess the ability to articulate their frustration. The verbal skills of a 3 1/2 year old boy are still developmental and when you factor in intense feeling those verbal skills decline.

Keep in mind, whatever it is that your son is feeling, he has a right to those feelings. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just are. What matters here is how we behave when we have those feelings.

For young children behavior is a direct and unbroken link to feelings, so to redirect the behavior we MUST address the feelings.

You know your son and what he is likely feeling and likely why. Do no over think this. He is angry because he wanted his car to stay on the railing when it zoomed down the steps but it fell off! He is throwing a temper tantrum because he can't get the car to do what he wants. He is frustrated. He is angry. 

You give him words to express himself.

"You're very angry because your car keeps falling off the railing?" Said in a very calm voice.

He continues to toss his toys.

You grab and put him in your lap while you calmly express for him. 

"I know you're angry! That dumb car won't work right. It makes you so mad and frustrated doesn't it? Dumb stupid car!"

By now he should be calming and listening to you express what he is feeling.

"Do you feel calmer now? I want you to feel calm so we can talk."

Do things that soothe him, rub his back, his arms...whatever it is that generally soothes your son.

"I wonder why that dumb car wouldn't stay on the railing? Maybe the railing was too narrow? Maybe the railing was too steep? Maybe the railing should have edges to hold the car in."

By now he is probably getting restless and wants to go on to another activity. Let him. As long as he is calmed let him go to the next activity. Or you can redirect him yourself by suggesting we go for a walk and think of some other way to make the car go down the steps.

Your son may be having a difficult time transitioning between your home and his fathers home. Again, this is normal developmental behavior for a boy his age. Some children simply do not transition well. How does he react when it's time to leave the house for errands or to day care? How does he behave when he transitions from home to gandparents?


The one thing that concerned me about your sons tantrums was banging his head. If this is indeed a normal part of his tantrums he needs to be seen first by his pediatrician who will then recommend a specialist. The pediatrician must come first to rule out any medical/neurological conditions.

You and your ex MUST find a way to work together for the best health of your son. As such try very hard to use word choices that do not accuse, do not defend, but seek his help. Your sons father may be a total douche but if there is anyway to form a cooperative unti, your son will be better served by both parents working together for his health.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I would like to address this notion of "getting away with it" or a parent "allowing the behavior" because I think there is a confusion between boundary setting and teaching appropriate behavior.

The goal of discipline is to teach the child the error of his ways so that he learns to modulate his behavior on his own. The complication is knowing the developmental stage and teaching to that developmental stage.

We all know tantrums are normal behavior for young children. We all know it is the role of the parent to teach the child better ways to behave. That include teaching the child better ways to cope with the feelings and impulses that prompt the naughty behavior.

Yes, boundaries should be set, but first the child needs to learn. Learn to express his frustration in socially acceptable ways. Learn that sometimes the answer is no and he must accept that. Learn to redirect himself with something that is soothing. Learn to use his excess energy constructively. All of these things have to be taught.

Inhibiting bad behavior by repressing it out of fear of consequences is counter productive to growing up to a healthy adult. Healthy adults do not repress their feelings. They identify them, cope with them, and redirect themselves. Punishing bad behavior without teaching better behavior is in fact teaching emotional repression.

This is where so many well meaning parents have gone off. Teaching appropriate behavior while having firm boundaries includes teaching emotional intelligence. If you have one, firm boundaries, with it the other, teaching emotional expression, you end up with repression. If you have one, teaching emotional expression, without the other, having firm boundaries, you end up with an out of control self centered adult. You must have both.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: 9781451663884: Amazon.com: Books

http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limit...id=1456757627&sr=8-2&keywords=setting++limits

3 1/2 is the perfect time to get effective. Help him direct his frustration and set limits effectively. Good luck op!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you call his insurance company to get cards? Or his company's HR department?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

Honestly I think my xh just doesn't want me to take my son to see someone. My xh doesn't think there is a problem. Plus he thinks there's a stereotype that goes with it even though it would probably help our son. I am going to look into the insurance cards through his employer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not his choice to make.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

volley said:


> Honestly I think my xh just doesn't want me to take my son to see someone. My xh doesn't think there is a problem. Plus he thinks there's a stereotype that goes with it even though it would probably help our son. I am going to look into the insurance cards through his employer.


Follow your instinct. 

If your son is hurting himself intentionally during tantrums he needs to be seen by his pediatrician FIRST. I'm sure you know, and have taken your son to his pediatrician right? You don't need his insurance card for that do you?


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## volley (Aug 24, 2013)

I spoke to my son's doctor and she told me that she could give me a referral and recommended it even if my xh wasn't agreeable. She was concerned with my son hitting himself and hitting the dogs. As far as insurance is concerned my x carries the insurance for my son.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

volley said:


> I spoke to my son's doctor and she told me that she could give me a referral and recommended it even if my xh wasn't agreeable. She was concerned with my son hitting himself and hitting the dogs. As far as insurance is concerned my x carries the insurance for my son.


He may carry it. But as custodial parent, you need access to it so that you may seek care for your son.


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