# Normal WA spouse behavior



## Mmdog60

First let me tell you I joined here a few weeks back and everyone's insight and support to my situation has been very amazing to me. 

Let me ask this...is it ..

1) normal for the WA spouse (my ex wife) to beg for me back STILL? We are 4 years separated and just had our divorce finalized. Ex will email or text daily saying I love, please give me a chance, etc. the astonishing part is she does this all the while she still dates the man she walked away for 4 years ago! I do not give any responses to her and do not share with him because I'm hoping she just goes permanently with him. The things she did and the damage she did there is no reconciliation possible, which leads me to part 2 of my question....

2) I truly loved my ex. I was totally rocked when she walked away, again reconciliation based on collateral damage is not an option, BUT my question is, does anyone ever look at their EX and miss them? Think darn he/she is cute? Drift off into memories past fun times? I miss it all but then suddenly snap back to the reality that that world is gone and though sad, it won't be that way again and you lick your wounds and move on. In addition I date a wonderful, caring girl. Are my sometimes wondering imaginations about a world that once was normal? Do those ever go away? Sometimes they are distracting and bothersome.


Mmdog


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## PBear

Do you have any reason to be in touch with your ex? Kids, shared finances, etc?

Personally, I've been separated from my STBXW for 3 years, and there was no infidelity involved on her part (but there was on mine). And I have nowhere near the thought or contact level with her as you have with your ex. And to be honest, it seems very unfair to continue this with the wonderful girl you're dating. 

If you were a friend of mine, I'd tell you to start by blocking her calls and texts. Stop letting her wiggle into your thoughts all the time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mmdog60

We share 3 school age kids. Your right about all you said. She tries to manipulate my mind...


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## LBHmidwest

She wants what she can't have.

It's worse when you've had it before... but no longer...


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## bandit.45

You need to limit communication with her to talk about the kids only. When she brings up relationship stuff ignore her. Don't answer. She'll get the hint after a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) 

So here's the list: 

Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 

No frequent phone calls. 

Don't point out "good points" in marriage. 

Don't follow her/him around the house. 

Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 

Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. 

Don't ask for reassurances. 

Don't buy or give gifts. 

Don't schedule dates together. 

Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. 

Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 

Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 

Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 

When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! 

If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 

Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! 

Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 

No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 

Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 

Don't be overly enthusiastic. 

Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 

Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 

Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 

Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 

Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 

Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 

Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 

Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 

Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 

Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 

Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 

When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## LongWalk

You wrote this on your other thread:



> First, sex with gf is amazingly satisfying. It is actually a gazillion times better than was with ex wife.


Should help you to clean out the nostalgia that has you thinking about your ex.

The next time she sends one of those begging for R messages, reply:



> We divorced by your request. We are not going to reconcile, so please stop bringing it up.


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## Fordsvt

Tell her to Beat It. See ya later.
You have a divorce for a reason


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