# Unique situation regarding husband and a mutual married friend of ours



## daison

Hi everyone,
This is my first post - I looked at a lot of forums before feeling like this one would offer me decent advice 

My husband works away from home - as in in another province. He has no friends where he is aside from a mutual married female friend of ours whose husband is often away from home.

I have no concern whatsoever that they are having an affair - my issue is that I feel really excluded. As of right now he's been gone 2 months. They go to church together on Sundays, she went with him to sign the papers on the rental he's getting so that we can move up there soon, and he occasionally will have dinner at her house and just hang out.

This woman is the only person he has any sort of a friendship with where he is and I would never ask him to not see her. I just don't know what to do. I've talked to him about my feelings about it and he says it's stupid and lame (which makes it worse) that I would have any issues at all. That its not fair to ask him to not see her (which I haven't even done). My problem is not a trust issue with either of them...my problem is that I haven't seen him in two months and I'm jealous that she is doing things that I would give my left arm to be able to do with him right now. He is not normally emotionally open anyways. I told him if he would just act like he misses us (we have a 20 month old daughter and I'm pregnant...), cares about me, is excited for us to move up there that it wouldn't be an issue - but apparently that, plus acknowledging that my feelings are valid, is too much.

Am I really being unreasonable? He only sees her once or twice a week.


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## daison

I posted this here as I'm a fairly strong christian looking for advice from like minded people


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## cb45

i'll write 1st impression as u know what they say bout 1st imp....

if u r jealous but know there's no grounds for it, why u writing us? i mean u saaaaay u r a strong christian right? u already have your source(s), your answer(s), your solution(s), no?

but assuming u r legit, and in some kinda fog of yer own, let me
suggest this:

tell yer H that u r attacking J(=Jealousy) from yer end, can he 
help and compromise and do a part or His part.

if u r a strong christian, then u dont need me to tell ya what to
do. u should know.

clues:

ray: 'n meditate.

:liar: be honest w/ self n others.

:toast: eat-drink-& be merry.

:sleeping: get plenty of rest.

:rofl: as much as u possibly can!

:smnotworthy: and give all the Glory to God!!!


 the rest is secret btwn u & hubby----ssssh.


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## woodstock

Mybe he is just not realizing that you are jealous not of her, but of the fact that YOU aren't the one doing all that stuff with him. I get exactly what you are saying, but maybe he isn't... need some guys around here to tell you how to get that across to him.


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## daison

I am here just looking to see if I've totally flown off the handle lol. I feel like I'm being stupid on one hand, but dont want to completely discredit my feelings at the same time. I'm not sure biblically how to be respectful of my husbands need for friendship and company while he's away, while keeping our relationship at it's best and not letting petty feelings on my part interrupt it.

Yes I'm in a fog! Best way to explain it :/


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## woodstock

daison said:


> I am here just looking to see if I've totally flown off the handle lol. I feel like I'm being stupid on one hand, but dont want to completely discredit my feelings at the same time. I'm not sure biblically how to be respectful of my husbands need for friendship and company while he's away, while keeping our relationship at it's best and not letting petty feelings on my part interrupt it.
> 
> Yes I'm in a fog! Best way to explain it :/


Feelings are feelings and huge part of relationship success is making sure each is willing to validate the feelings of the other. He needs to do that for you, or else it will just get worse for you. Nothing you are saying is over the top. You miss him, you wish it was you with him doing all of these things, and it's not the friend you are jealous of, just jealous that it's not YOU taking part in these things for him. Most people want to be the one there for the other in a relationship and you can bet he would feel the same if it were you (maybe worse). It is hard being apart, even harder when someone else is doing what you want to be doing for your SO


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## cb45

feelings are just that, feelings. call it semantics but "feelings" has a different meaning,
different connotation to many different people.

"feelings" means something that can be accurate or inaccurate,
instinctual (but not instinct), or....u get the picture(?).

"feelings" can be misleading or spot on; sort of like thoughts
they are. i.e., feelings can work like senses. u have a pain in
yer abdomen thats been bothering u for 3wks straight and u're
thinking fearful thoughts of cancer (or whatever).

does this make it a reality? a certainty? a probablity? NO!
a possiblity? YES. And what does that possiblity do for ya?
it fosters worry/fear/doubt/mistrust/etc. and so, heightens the
intital feeling(s) thusly perpetuating it into a vicious cycle
with a life all its own. 

am i feeling ya yet? (no pun orig intended...really)

i'm not saying anything like i know yer circumstances. 
i only know what u r writing here, which prompted my 1st
response.

maybe u r indeed getting a warning from the H>S>, i dunno.
but more troubling to me is yer H's response or lack thereof.

pls study the word...pray....together, if possible.....shalomray:


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## SimplyAmorous

I so agree with Mommy22 -all she said about building an emotional connection and breeding grounds for temptation. The situation puts me in mind of that movie with Clint Eastwood "Bridges of Madison County". You are being very realistic. 

I can also understand your wanting more emotional feedback from him, you are craving attention, too bad he can not understand this and indulge you in what YOU Need being alone at home missing him months at a time. If it was me, I would get each of us a wecam & have some fun with that every night with each other.  I think THIS connection would help ease your mind. 

My husband had an opportunity to take a Truck Driving Job a long time ago, I knew at that time even, being alone all the time would not have been healthy for me, I would have been craving many tempting things. He never took that job, and I know it was for the best- for our marraige.

Think about the Webcam idea, and I hope you get to moving out there real soon.


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## daison

The plan was for my daughter and I to move out there at the end of February - but his paycheque got screwed up and he's not able to get enough days off in a row yet to come up and get us.

The girl is quite a bit younger than us and newly married (and VERY idealistic). I know her marriage is already off to a rocky start - which is what made me leery. But like I said I completely trust my husband in that regard. He wouldn't even talk to someone about those kinds of problems.

As far as the webcam goes - lol! My H is pretty self conscious and skeptical about anything going over the computer (or cell phones - boooo). When we were younger (16?17? eee) we used to do all sorts of dirty things over the phone.....not sure what happened in the last 10 years.....might be a whole new thread!

I'm happy to say that we talked about things and he is making more of an effort the last few days to make me feel loved  Though I appreciate all the advice (much of it useful )!


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## michzz

Get on a bus and go to him without waiting anymore.

Is it unsafe for a woman and child in your country to travel by bus without a man?


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## daison

No, not unsafe - but not really realistic. He's working in a camp right now so I'd get there and he wouldn't be there anyways. Also he is right now renting a room from an elderly lady (when he's in town), and the home we have secured is not prepared for life with a 20 month old. I'm really just waiting for him to get enough days off for him to come and get our stuff!! can't quite afford to get a moving truck :/


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## openheart

Express your feelings, wait it out, and do a whole lot of praying. Trust in the Lord and things will turn out the way they are supposed to.


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## SimplyAmorous

daison said:


> When we were younger (16?17? eee) we used to do all sorts of dirty things over the phone.....not sure what happened in the last 10 years.....might be a whole new thread!


 Glad to hear it is going better, that you have talked about it. But DO fight for that connection you had when you were young. You mention not sure what happened in the last 10 yrs >> probably kids, work, projects, his traveling etc. But don't settle for a "this is what happens after marraige" philosophy -never feel it is OK to loose that. Let it alert you - Fire you up. 

Determine to find that again.... tease, flirt, do daring surprising "dirty" little things like you did in your youth, this will bring back a tremendous amount of passion & connection. When you finally get to where he is, go for it! 

Bring back the passion


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## daison

I've brought it up before but he's nervous about doing it I think because he's on a cell phone and doesn't want someone else picking up our conversation rofl. Surprisingly, since having our kid our sex life has improved 1000 times - I'm guessing it has something to do with him working away from home  While it hasn't increased in frequency it's a heck of a lot more fun now.

I think that the reason our passion otherwise was/isn't quite as risky is because we had a period of time where we both had huge self esteem issues and grew apart a little bit. I'm really looking forward to bringing it back together when we finally move back. Hopefully it works out and us being together doesn't drive us apart again :/


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## FaithHopeLove

What do you and your husband to to keep your marriage strong? I think that perhaps if you two had something you did every day together to build up your marriage, you would feel less jealous of the time he's spending with your friend.

Perhaps having him call each time and praying together, doing a mini Bible lesson, etc would be helpful. My fiance and I have started to pray together and read the Bible each night and it's been such a blessing. Amazing how the Lord can draw us closer together through prayer


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

daison said:


> As far as the webcam goes - lol! My H is pretty self conscious and skeptical about anything going over the computer (or cell phones - boooo). When we were younger (16?17? eee) we used to do all sorts of dirty things over the phone.....not sure what happened in the last 10 years.....might be a whole new thread!


get skype and make sure he is alone in his room then proceed to give him a visual show he will never forget.


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## FaithHopeLove

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> get skype and make sure he is alone in his room then proceed to give him a visual show he will never forget.


Here's the thing though: not every guy is going to want to stay with their wife just because she can be really sexy for him. Some guys want to have a sexy lady who can also be a good companion for them. If they're not having quality time together-- talking, discussing their daily lives, and spiritually connecting--- no amount of sexiness will keep them together.


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## daison

lol  My husband would definitely not be interested in a skype striptease. He's skeptical about online data transferring etc. "never know who will find it" type of stuff.

We are now living together (yay!) as of April 1st. Things are going amazingly well. We meet with our friend at least weekly still and there is no awkwardness or anything - I talked to a number of other friends about it and they could see where I was coming from. He was a little defensive about it - jumping to the assumption that I thought he was cheating or at least thinking about her more than me. But that wasn't the case at all. 

To keep our marriage strong we talk often when he's away. We do weekly bible studies and talk about bible stuff often. He's expressed interest recently about getting more in depth on the bible stuff so maybe we'll start doing some readings and stuff at night. We used to do that, along with praying, but when he went to work away from home it became a bit more of a challenge.

cb45 I just reread your post about "feelings" and it was spot on. At the time it didn't click but I'm glad I went back. It's important that we dont let it foster resent etc when it can be merely nothing. 

You said you were worried about my husbands lack of a response. This is something I've dealt with the entire 12 years we've been together. He's very emotionally closed in many ways which makes it hard to have a true heart to heart - which makes it really hard to be comfortable in many situations. Feel free to pray for us about that 

Thanks everyone for the advice. I hope I can get him to loosen up a bit with the phone/webcam. Not likely...but you never know


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## cb45

tks for the update.
many/some dont bother to do so.

isnt God great?!? :smthumbup:

glad to hear/read u r doing better. u sound more stable/balanced.

Rejoice! And again i say, rejoice!

ray:


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