# Ask her to move back in for a week?



## oberyn

Hello,

My wife and I have been living separately for almost two months now, we still see one another commonly, we have our first appointment with a marriage counselor in about two weeks. So far reconciliation has ran hot and cold. There have been a few occasions where she has seemed very much in to the idea and a lot of times where she seemed luke warm and some times where she seemed very, very cold to the idea. The biggest issues in our separation, as far as I can tell were lack of space (for her) and a lack of respect. I had become a doormat and she basically lost respect for me. Said she wasn't attracted to me anymore and so on. I kind of take the lack of attraction with a grain of salt as we have slept in the same bed a couple of times since we were separated, cuddling all night, kissed romantically a few times and so on. No sex, which worries me a little, but I imagine is probably fairly natural considering all that's happened.

Anyway, I miss her like hell, which I won't lie is my primary motivation for wanting her to spend a week at my place. I also kind of feel I might be able to show that I can give her the space she needs while we are living together. The catch 22 is that I know she hates this place. We are in a ****ty area of town in a ****ty apartment. She much, much prefers her place but she does not have internet there and it is tiny. I feel that those two things (lack of anything to do and lack of space) will make her feel as though I am more up in her buisiness.

Anyway, is it a good idea to ask her to move back in for a week or so as a trial or is it just me missing her like hell and hoping it would be a good idea when it is terrible?


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## synthetic

Your wife is most likely cheating on you. I'm not sure how much research you've done on this issue, but your wife is almost certainly seeking other men. 

It's a very bad idea to give her a "trial at home". You should immediately employ the 10 commandments.

Do this and you'll have your life back. Your life will most likely include a regretful wife that you may consider taking back.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.
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## oberyn

This is something that people keep saying. What makes you say that she is almost certainly seeking other men? Aside from her moving out I've seen no evidence of it what so ever.


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## synthetic

oberyn said:


> This is something that people keep saying. What makes you say that she is almost certainly seeking other men? Aside from her moving out I've seen no evidence of it what so ever.


Everything you have said screams "cheating wife". You should do a bit of reading around this forum to understand what it means for a wife to want "space" and want to move out. Very rarely if ever people leave their comfort-zone before having found a new one. I would say out of 100 wives who demand "space", 99 of them are already or soon-to-be affair partners. The overwhelming majority of those 99% are involved in sexual affairs.

You don't need evidence of your partner's cheating to make a decision here. The decision has already been made for you. She moved out and is not having sex with you. Done deal. She broke the marriage. The old marriage is dead and it's important for you to make yourself fully convinced that you will indeed survive this in one piece with a promising outlook.

If you are really interested, like most people are, you can try doing some surveillance on your wife, but be ready for a lot of hurt and wasted energy. The truth will come out sooner or later. It's up to you if you want to make it more painful than necessary. 

Again, I have no stake in your marriage. I wish it was different, but your wife is not being honest with you. She has at least one other man in her life. How far she has gone with him is not necessarily important anymore.


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## cdbaker

The space request is concerning, most definitely. And it is true that women, who value security far more than men, are very unlikely to abandon security before having found something similar elsewhere. Are there times when you don't know where she is or what she is doing? Does she covet her phone or other communication device? (computer, tablet, etc.) Do you have any suspicions of anyone even in the absence of evidence?

I don't think she'll agree to come back for a week even if you offer. If you do want her back, I would consider doing what you can to correct the major deficiencies of your living arrangement first. If you can afford to move out to another apartment in a better area that she would approve, go for it. Make it clean and comfortable. Whether the marriage is over or not, this will benefit you greatly anyway. Show her that you are worthy of respect by not languishing doing nothing, and that you have listened to her needs/desires and taken them to heart. Also, I would say it is probably a bad idea to continue to share any degree of intimacy while apart. It is allowing her to have her cake and eat it too, and it will cause her to respect you less as well, especially if she is pursuing other men at the same time.


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## oberyn

Thank you all for the good advice, unfortunately I asked for it too late. We had a talk today in which she informed me she just doesn't love me and feels our relationship is not worth the effort of working on and even so she just doesn't want to work it out.

I think now I just have to accept that it is over.


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## oberyn

IS there anything else I can do or do I just need to accept this is over?


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## synthetic

oberyn said:


> IS there anything else I can do or do I just need to accept this is over?


You need to accept it's over. That's the ONLY THING you can do. 

It will liberate you, and put you in control of your life. Right now, you're not in control of your life.

Employ the 10 Commandments. They're for you and have been proven to work.


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## angstire

oberyn said:


> IS there anything else I can do or do I just need to accept this is over?


The only control you have is over yourself and your actions. You can't make her come back, make her love you, make her change her mind, persuade her to change her mind, convince her to....you see my meaning. 

Once I accepted with my WAW that not only could I not change her mind, but it was trying exert control over her, which will fail, I felt better. I knew I could control my actions from how I dealt with her to how I got my sh!t back together and dealt with changing finances, kids, future plans, etc. 

Focus on you and what you can control in your life. She told you it was over, she'll tell you if she's changed her mind. 

Focus on what you can control; it's liberating. You can control you, you cannot control her.


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## LostViking

Don't badger her for the true reasons she left you. The truth will come out in its own time. 

Do the list of things Synthetic laid out, hire a good lawyer to protect your rights in the divorce, and move on. You have your whole life ahead of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MSC71

You want to show her you can give her space but you want her to move in for a week. Quite contradicting . I'm sure your intentions are good but your best bet is to never ask her to move in. She will let you know when she's ready.


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## synthetic

If anyone reading this thread thinks demanding 'space' and moving out is an innocent justified action for a spouse, I suggest they take their head out of their respective a$$ and do some reading around here.


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## This is me

I haven't been here for awhile, but some may remember my story. My wife shocked me with the D word one valentines weekend. It took 2 years, four months separation, many months of MC & IC, plus workshops, and it was all worth it because our marriage has never been better. 

I do not disagree with getting educated in Synthetics 10 commandments and practicing the 180 especially. But, there can be hope for those with patience and being the better educated on repairing marriages gone bad.

Hindsight has made one thing very clear to me. The Mid Life Crisis and other forms of depression are likely a reason why many marriages fail. In the end it is a mental issue that can clear with patience and space. I am certain this is what my wife was struggling with and I became the blame for her bad feeling about her life at that time. Lots of rewritten history.

They will likely start looking around for a new life and partner during this time, which is something that you may need to get over to save the marriage. Its all what you can put up with.

For those who want to give their marriage its best chance I recommend reading Divorce Remedy, get a good pro-marriage counselor, living the 180 the best you can and remind yourself this could take years.

Best wishes!


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## MiseryIsHere

If you love her, I say do everything you can to get her back. Don't end up regretting not working to save the relationship. I see the fact that you are still in some contact as a good thing plus it seems that she has agreed to counseling. Because moving in might be too much too fast, what about asking her on a date? Try that a few times and wait until you are in a better place with her where things are going well, then maybe ask her about staying together for a week. If she really hates where you live, are you willing to relocate to soemthing that the both of you like in the future? Good luck to you..I hope it all works out.


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