# Problem, Affection



## fintytint (Dec 28, 2010)

Hey, 

My problem may just be in my head, but its hurting me inside. Me and my wife have been married for a year and a half now. we have a lovely little girl, 8 months old. But my problem started along time ago. When we first started dating about 7 years ago. We were like any other couple, kissing cuddling, sex. But now, nothing. Examples of things she will say to me are 'i dont like kissing anymore, cause i dont like syliva on my face or i dont like the feel of a tongue touch my mouth. Just the other day on Christmas Day of all days. Our baby was asleep, my mum and dad were due to come round. I then leaned in to kiss her and she pulled away saying what if your mum and dad come to the door. i told her i only wanted a little kiss. she screwed her face up and said no (but with a little smile). On our wedding night she wouldnt have sex with me as she was to tired. I can accept her being tired but i still thought it was wrong to come out with it. Again, not even a passionate kiss that night. and in the morning i mention how we didnt have sex the night before. she said if you want to then ok. which consisted of her lying on her side and pretty much me having sex not her. When we sit together she always leans away from me. when i go to bed i always say love you. all i recieve is a grunt( she is sometimes half asleep). I help around the house. i do my fair share of the work. When we had our little girl. My wife fell very ill. i never left her side at hospital. juggling our new baby and her was hard on me and i thought it would bring us really close, but it didnt. we havent had sex in over a year now but i wont push her to much on this as i understand her possible reasons. i always let her know she is the most beautiful women i know and never let her get insecure about herself. i show her affection but it is NEVER returned. she would never just walk up to me and kiss me, never stroke my arm as we walk past each other, never cuddle into me to watch a film never grab my hand to hold it. We have spoke before about it. She promises to show me more affection but this will only last a couple of days and its obvious its forced. Iam a male that craves these type of silly little things that makes me know she loves me.
Well thats my story. i so wish someone out there can lend me a magic wand to fix it . but if you dont have that wand i would love to hear from someone that has gone through this and how they fixed it. i would also love to hear from any ladies that could tell me if i am doing anything wrong. thanks


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I would have just withdrawn and fun-flirt (not full flirt) with her friends in front of her, but that's just me.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She no longer finds you attractive. You've become a colleague, not a lover.

Check the sticky thread at the top of the page.

I'll bottom line things for you. 

Wanting her to change will accomplish absolutely nothing. 
You will be the one that needs to change.

These changes will result in two possible outcomes - either of which will be beneficial if you do the necessary work on yourself.

You will regain a balance in your relationship and rekindle the spark of attraction.

Or,

You accept that this woman will not, or cannot meet your physical and emotional needs and you let her go.

If I had to ballpark forum results for you, I'd say it's 30/70, reconciliation versus marriage dissolution.

I do know exactly the kind of circumstances to which you refer. Tragically, what you describe is downright common. Accepting it, or 'hoping' it will change is also common - and ultimately ends in a failed marriage loaded with bitterness and resentment or ending in one of the partners having an affair.

There is no magic wand. But there is PLENTY you can do to change the current dynamic.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hormonally speaking, if she is breastfeeding, it will make her prolactin levels soar and this greatly inhibits sexual desire. Breastfeeding and Low Sex Drive - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com 

Why did she fall gravely ill ? Is she on meds that can affect her desire ? Many do.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Hormonally speaking, if she is breastfeeding, it will make her prolactin levels soar and this greatly inhibits sexual desire. Breastfeeding and Low Sex Drive - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com
> 
> Why did she fall gravely ill ? Is she on meds that can affect her desire ? Many do.


SA, looks to me like all indicators are that this behavior was firmly in place prior to children - and intensified after the fact.

Kids, severe illness, selfless commitment to your partner, and their complete aversion to intimacy ... I know this story all too well.

Elements of fintytint's post are classic 'Nice Guy' syndrome.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

My relationship was like this , he did the same to me which is not really what you expect from a man , the no affection is wha t I couldn't live with so I ended it after four years of trying , it was great for the first 3 months then nothing. It is easier when there are no children involved. You can try but don't waste too many years if nothing is working try to get help maybe she has lost her feelings , some woman do after having kids . good luck x


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's told you every way a woman can that she just isn't all that sexually interested in you (and maybe not interested in sex or romance at all). Lots of zombies out there and it's possible to live with one for the next 80 years. They'll be happy to live in your house, spend your pay, and watch you twist and squirm in discomfort. Guess it all comes down to how you are willing to be treated.


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## fintytint (Dec 28, 2010)

thanks for the replies people. i have since spoken to her, and explained that i have looked for other peoples advice on what i feel is a problem in our relationship. I never like to see her get upset, which she did. As i think the seriousness of my feelings have been brought to the forefront with her knowledge that i have spoken to other people looking for advice. She has since accepted that she doesn't show me as much attention as she would want to and that she completely understands what is upsetting me in this marriage, as in her words 'it would kill me if you didn't show me your affection' so i guess its me in the fact that i maybe show her to much affection. (nice guy syndrome). We have now planned a weekend away, just the two of us to a hotel we used to go to when we first started dating. I have spoken to one of my good friends and he said he also had the same sort of problem but the other way around. His finance left him because of that, and he told me he wishes he had changed for her. 
To the question of her illness. 3 days before megan was due. the doctor found a blood clot in her upper thigh. she spent 2 days in hospital before they sent her home saying everthing was fine. which it wasnt. megan was 8 days late. With problems in the birth she required a c section. but no one told the surgeon that she was on medication to thin her blood. After 2 days they basically kicked her out of hospital. she couldnt walk, herself, and need round the clock attention from myself. another 2 days past when her wound burst open in the middle of the night. the emergency services said it WASNT an emergency even though she was losing alot of blood fast. i had to find someone to watch my 4 day old child while i took her to hospital. when i got there they said she was fine and closed the wound. She was not fine as later that day the wound started seeping. When she was taken to hospital again. They found she had another blood clot behind her wound, and that she needed emergency surgery. Me and my wife stay in Scotland. This was all through the NHS. I wouldnt say this dented our relationship. It actually made me realise how much i loved her. As with any guy we love looking in the shop window but never buying. But i knew after that there was no one else for me. So lets hope things change for the better.
Thanks again and hope you all had a happy new year.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

two things:

First, the "weekend away at a hotel" is nice, but is that what you will need to do whenever you want sex with your wife? It's OK to show her that sex can be good but if nothing happens at home after that it could be cheaper to get a hooker (OK, just kidding).

Second, have you considered that she may be a lesbian? She seems to have zero interest in physical contact with you and has forever. She may have gotten married because of societal/family pressure. I know it may sound far fetched, but think about it and maybe explore that possibility with her.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> two things:
> 
> First, the "weekend away at a hotel" is nice, but is that what you will need to do whenever you want sex with your wife? It's OK to show her that sex can be good but if nothing happens at home after that it could be cheaper to get a hooker (OK, just kidding).
> 
> Second, have you considered that she may be a lesbian? She seems to have zero interest in physical contact with you and has forever. *She may have gotten married because of societal/family pressure.* I know it may sound far fetched, but think about it and maybe explore that possibility with her.


I'm won't go as far as to say she is a *****, but i will meet you half way on this one. Methinks she was always like this. But she did what she "had to" before you got married. Now she has teh security of a marriage and a child that will love her and give her attention, so she doesn't care if the OP falls onto the backburner. She feels as though she has wants she wants.

I've had my own concerns, but never went a full year without sex. I would say redraw your affection towards her, but i don't think it would phase her 1 bit, unless she suspected you of going elsewhere for your needs.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Get cleaned up, and go out with the boys. Come home late with a smile, don't answer phone.
You have been married 1.5 years, and haven't had sex in over a year, and not on your wedding night. Wow that is just not right. You are a tolerate man


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