# What counts as cheating?



## billgour (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi. I was writing because I wanted to see how others defined "cheating." The reason is my wife had a female friend whose husband recently cheated on her. What happened was that the husband got drunk on a business trip and hooked up with a woman he met. While the husband admits what he did was stupid and wrong, he says what he did was not that bad because he didn't have intercourse with the woman; he only performed cunnilingus on her. Thus, he really didn't cheat, or he committed a lesser form of cheating. The wife, however, does not see it that way. To her (and me) sexual contact with anyone else is cheating. What do you think? Is making out with someone cheating? What acts constitute cheating/adultery?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep that's cheating. Good rule for determining.. would he have done it in front of his wife?

There are also emotional affairs.. Where man and woman get very close emotionally, exchange sweet words, tell each other the problems in their marriage. These days sexting is often a part of this kind of affair.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to do the friend a favor, get her the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

She needs to know what to do in this mess.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Where I stand on the matter.

Groping/petting someone else = cheating

Kissing someone else = cheating

BJ = cheating

100s of text to someone of the opposite sex = emotional cheating

Sexting = cheating

Vaginal Sex = divorce imminent


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, cheaters never tell the truth. They always play it down and tell less that what actually happened. It about 95% sure that if he said they did oral.... they also did vaginal. He's just not going to tell without her having the proof first.

Tell you friend to be tested for STDs.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

billgour said:


> Hi. I was writing because I wanted to see how others defined "cheating." The reason is my wife had a female friend whose husband recently cheated on her. What happened was that the husband got drunk on a business trip and hooked up with a woman he met. While the husband admits what he did was stupid and wrong, he says what he did was not that bad because he didn't have intercourse with the woman; he only performed cunnilingus on her. Thus, he really didn't cheat, or he committed a lesser form of cheating. The wife, however, does not see it that way. To her (and me) sexual contact with anyone else is cheating. What do you think? Is making out with someone cheating? What acts constitute cheating/adultery?


Sorry to be crude but would he consider the wife giving someone else a blowjob a "lesser" form of cheating ?


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

billgour said:


> Hi. I was writing because I wanted to see how others defined "cheating." The reason is my wife had a female friend whose husband recently cheated on her. What happened was that the husband got drunk on a business trip and hooked up with a woman he met. While the husband admits what he did was stupid and wrong, he says what he did was not that bad because he didn't have intercourse with the woman; he only performed cunnilingus on her. Thus, he really didn't cheat, or he committed a lesser form of cheating. The wife, however, does not see it that way. To her (and me) sexual contact with anyone else is cheating. What do you think? Is making out with someone cheating? What acts constitute cheating/adultery?


To quote Dan Savage: "Oral sex's surname is sex...because it is sex!"

He cheated.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

This always cracks me up how people try & justify or downplay their cheating. I used to work with a guy that would go to bars & get drunk, make out with a woman, while his wife was gone on a business trip. The funny thing was when you told him he was okay because his wife was probably doing the same thing, he would then lose his mind. If you have to ask, then it's cheating.


----------



## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

If you have to keep contact with another person a secret because you know it would hurt your spouse then you are cheating.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

It wouldn't be cheating if while giving his performance, his wife was looking over his shoulder and said," Good job, honey!"

Beyond that, anything done outside the presence of your spouse like this, without explicit permission, is cheating. If you would be ashamed to be caught, well...there ya go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I'd say something a simple as deleting texts from your phone is considered a form of cheating. There's no reason to delete or hide anything of you aren't doing something that may hurt your spouse.

Anything physical is definitely cheating.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Definitely cheating; and your friend's WH is compounding the pain by trying to diminish what he did. 

I hate that cheaters do that. The lies, the blame game, trickle truths and diminishment. It multiplies the betrayal exponentially and destroys a golden opportunity to restore trust.

Why wouldn't he just admit what he did was wrong? Then he could explore what boundaries to set to prevent it from happening again. The fact he wants to diminish it makes me think he wants to do it again and is looking for tacit approval. I hope that isn't the reason it came up in the 1st place. 

And in cheater lingo kiss=sex, so cunnilingus must equal wild monkey rodeo sex.


----------



## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Texts - he gets "TOY" and replies "TOYT"

i get "buy some dishwasher tablets on the way home"

thats cheating.

oh yeah - and they spent the night together


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ONS: Cheating. PA: Cheating: EA: Cheating.

So, yes, he is a cheater.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

If you would not do it or say it in front of your spouse it is cheating.

I am sure he would not have oral sex with another person in front of his wife. He is a cheater


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

ANY contact with a body part covered by a standard bathing suit.
Lip to lip kissing.
Sexting
Intimate texts or emails. EA


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

mahike said:


> If you would not do it or say it in front of your spouse it is cheating.


My thoughts exactly!


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yep that's cheating. Good rule for determining.. would he have done it in front of his wife?
> 
> There are also emotional affairs.. Where man and woman get very close emotionally, exchange sweet words, tell each other the problems in their marriage. These days sexting is often a part of this kind of affair.


Not only would he do it in front of his wife but would it make his wife upset.

Also would he be ok with another man doing it with his wife or would he be ok with his wife doing it to another man.


----------



## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

billgour said:


> Hi. I was writing because I wanted to see how others defined "cheating." The reason is my wife had a female friend whose husband recently cheated on her. What happened was that the husband got drunk on a business trip and hooked up with a woman he met. While the husband admits what he did was stupid and wrong, he says what he did was not that bad because he didn't have intercourse with the woman; he only performed cunnilingus on her. Thus, he really didn't cheat, or he committed a lesser form of cheating. The wife, however, does not see it that way. To her (and me) sexual contact with anyone else is cheating. What do you think? Is making out with someone cheating? What acts constitute cheating/adultery?


 It's cheating when the *spouse* says it is.


----------



## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Of course this is cheating. I can't believe this is even a question.

And she believes he did not stick it after he licked it...seriously?


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

committedwife said:


> It's cheating when the *spouse* says it is.


That is going to far. On this board you will find spouses who think same sex friendships, porn and masturbation are cheating.


----------



## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> That is going to far. On this board you will find spouses who think same sex friendships, porn and masturbation are cheating.


No reason for same sex friends. This is how EA's then PA's start.

Mast. to porn is using your sexual energys that hould be used on your spouse.


----------



## Sw1tchback (Dec 21, 2012)

ummm yeah this one is a pretty clean cut, he messed up, and is trying to play it down to save face and his marriage, personally i'd be honest about it and let her make her mind up, but hey, i'm a man, if she is that upet about it'll never leave her and she would resent her husband, and you'll end up miserable and or split up anyway


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

theroad said:


> No reason for same sex friends. This is how EA's then PA's start.
> 
> Mast. to porn is using your sexual energys that hould be used on your spouse.


Same sex friendships are a part of life we will have to get used to, unless we want to become like fundamentalist societies and keep the sexes separate. 

Masturbation is necessary and healthy, particularly for men, and can enhance your sexual relationship if it is not compulsive.

If we take this too far and become paranoid we will destroy the very thing we are trying to protect, and drive away our partners in the process.


----------



## blindedbylove (Dec 13, 2012)

My first H, riddled with guilt once asked me in the car as we were driving to an event...."what would you consider adultery?" I simply took off my wedding ring, slipped it into my wallet and asked "why do you ask" Apparently he had already forgiven himself for doing the deed because it happened months before he confessed, and thought that if he was truly repentant for it, he was good to go! He also thought that because at the moment of intimacy, he freaked and couldnt "finish" that he hadnt really committed adultery.....um......not so much! We did reconcile and stayed together for a few more years, until I discovered his addiction to porn. This was in the early 90's when it wasnt through the internet, but tons of matchbooks he was collecting from strip joints with phone numbers of dancers in them, books, magazines, and then there was the astronomical phone bill from calling sex lines, all while I was working nights to pay for groceries and diapers! Again, he didnt feel this was really cheating because nothing ever "happened"....I told him I was divorcing him, and not because he cheated, but because we obviously had different views on the sanctity of marriage vows!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Heck yes it's cheating.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Overwhelming.....definition of cheating...this is from a BS viewpoint.
What do WS really feel about this?


----------



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

All I can say is THANK YOU BILL CLINTON. It is called oral sex for a reason. Notice that sex is in the title. He CHEATED!!! 

That being said there are degrees of cheating. There is an EA that is just online/phone/text with ILYs and the such. There is PA which includes simple kissing/making out and goes into oral and intercourse.

The way I figure it out is simple. If your spouse did the same how would you see it? I am sure that this man would love to know that his wife was blowing some other man.


----------



## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Sorry to be crude but would he consider the wife giving someone else a blowjob a "lesser" form of cheating ?


I was just thinking the same thing, its not like I would let that go. Intercourse, oral, same thing. Also, if a guy is going down on a woman or a woman going down on a man, they are having intercourse, period.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

billgour said:


> Hi. I was writing because I wanted to see how others defined "cheating." The reason is my wife had a female friend whose husband recently cheated on her. What happened was that the husband got drunk on a business trip and hooked up with a woman he met. While the husband admits what he did was stupid and wrong, he says what he did was not that bad because he didn't have intercourse with the woman; he only performed cunnilingus on her. Thus, he really didn't cheat, or he committed a lesser form of cheating. The wife, however, does not see it that way. To her (and me) sexual contact with anyone else is cheating. What do you think? Is making out with someone cheating? What acts constitute cheating/adultery?


Cheating.

That said I have my persoanl view as follows :

Inappropriate -> Unfaithfulness -> Cheating

Kissing to me is cheating. However it is for sure unfaithful.

So cheating is very serious stuff but the unfaithfulness starts before it gets that far and for me that is where the siginificant boundaries are being ignored.

Hanging out with someone behind your SO back is unfaithful but I also see it as a form of cheating. It is emotional cheating.


----------

