# Wife has gained a lot of weight due to Anti-Depressants



## ciscotruff (Jan 16, 2013)

Hello All,
I feel that I am a lost soul just trying to find a way...

In the past few years my wife has gained between 60-70 lbs. She became very depressed and essentially had an emotional break down around that time. This is pretty much from life/stress/bills/work/friends/kids/etc.. I love her very much and I don't want to hurt her feelings at all. 

We have had some conversations around the subject of her weight and they haven't gone very well. I have explained to her that I love her and will always be here for her. I have never complained about her weight gain but she has noticed that I don't compliment her as much and I think she is able to see how I really feel when she asks me if I think she looks good in something when I don't really feel that she does.

It has gotten to the point where she had stated that she didn't think that I found her attractive anymore and I didn't vehemently disagree with her.

With all of this, I know that eventually all of us will be unattractive. I state to her that when we are both 100 yrs old that either of us will not likely be very attractive but that I will still love her. This doesn't seem to comfort her and she states that she can't see how I can love her if I am not attracted to her.

I am just looking for advise on how I can work through this. I myself am 35 but in the best shape of my life. I am this way now because I wanted to "lead" my wife in this direction and I read somewhere it is better to work through it together and "how can I judge her is I am out of shape". This didn't work well as she hasn't wanted to exercise with me or eat well with me. She says she feels that I am pressuring her even just through suggestion. 

So basically, she has gained weight due to depression and medication so I am not sure there is anything really that she can do. I feel that eating right and exercising would help her in her depression and weight also but I think she is isn't ready to be willing to work towards that. I understand this but it doesn't help me any in being attracted to her.

I think this is my issue here and I just don't know if there is any way to make things better than to just state "it is what it is" and voice my opinions in this thread. 

Does anyone have any advise to help me in this situation? Again, I love my wife but at the same time I loved having my wife in shape and very sexy. I feel that when we are 100 I will still love her but that we are still young and when you are young to take advantage of it.

Thank you for your thoughts an help.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Does she take any essential oil supplements?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ciscotruff said:


> I feel that eating right and exercising would help her in her depression and weight also but I think she is isn't ready to be willing to work towards that.


60-70 pounds is A LOT of weight and I think you are being far too forgiving. If she wants to be more attractive she'd do the work and yes it absolutely does help with depression (I suffer from it as well).

She may feel like you're pressuring her but all you need to do is stand firm. You aren't but yes there are consequences to her actions. If she chooses to overeat to the point of obesity she chooses to lose her attractiveness. This isn't mean it's truthful.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

No way would my husband still be attracted to me if I put on 60-70 pounds. It is unreasonable of your wife to expect that of you.

Maybe she needs the pressure. I think it's good you've said it and its out in the open. It's only since I recently lost about 15 pounds that my husband properly told me (after a bit of prodding) that he is more interested in me sexually when I am at the thinner end on my range. And we've been together more than 20 years! I would rather he had said that long ago, even though it would have hurt my feelings.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

ciscotruff said:


> So basically, she has gained weight due to depression and medication so I am not sure there is anything really that she can do.


Would she be willing to switch medications? If it worked on her depression, Wellbutrin can have weight loss as a side effect. She should talk to her doc.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Exercise and a healthy diet can alleviate or even cure depression. Eating bad and not exercising can make depression worse. My guess is that her lifestyle that lead to the weight gain also worsened the depression. No matter what positive or reaffirming things you say about her weight gain, she will not believe it because she knows it is not true. Maybe you can take the lead on making simple sustainable lifestyle changes that get calories down and activity up for the both of you. Things like walking and eating smaller portions.... A little momentum can go a long way. Also, genuine compliments about other aspects of her life may get her feeling better about herself.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Aren't you kind of contradicting yourself when you say you'll love her at 100 when you are both old and gross but not now when you are both younger?

You wife has a medical condition she is being treated for. The side effect of the medication is weight gain. People who have been thin all their lives find they are gaining 30 or more pounds when taking anti depressants.

What would you do if she lost her limbs or had to have a mastectomy or something disfiguring which also would cause you to lose attraction?

I have gained weight because of a medical condition. If I want to lose the tiniest amount of weight, I have to starve.

I was always rail thin and this condition is humiliating because here I am drinking a raw green juice for breakfast and other people are gobbling down eggs, bacon, pancakes like there is no tomorrow and they are thin and I am not.

Have some compassion for your wife.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

ciscotruff said:


> Hello All,
> 
> 
> 
> I myself am 35 but in the best shape of my life.


This seems to be a common theme in these kinds of weight threads,one is in the best shape while the other is not. Anyway, my advice to you if you love her like you say then try to be as encouraging as you can. Words and actions on your part is good, BUT it does not mean it will always motivate the other person. I do not believe harsh words will either. Try to stay positive if you can, its like living with an alcoholic, you can't make them do anything they are not ready to do. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they wake up and even that is not guarantee!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Having compassion and being attracted to his wife are two different things. He stated he had conversations with his wife and 
they haven't ended very well. Guy obviously loves his wife.
Doctors perscribe medications thinking they will do all the work. Doesn't work that way. She needs therapy and start eating healthy. 60-70pounds is alot of weight to put on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BarelyThere (Dec 31, 2012)

Antidepressants can wreak havoc on your system and they don't often actually help. You can't be hard on her; her self esteem is already too fragile and you will make her feel worse without inspiring her to make changes.

She's the only one who can decide to do something about her weight. I would lay it out honestly to her, as gently as possible. That you don't find her attractive, but buoy her up at the same time with the good things that you love about her.

Then, find some good books/articles/etc. on weight loss, diabetes (she is, of course, at risk with obesity) and low carb dieting. Don't force them on her but let her know they're there. 

You will have given her the reason to want to lose weight (not being attractive) and the information she needs to start changing.

Pills are bad. Look up alternative supplements, work on diet changes and whatever she does, support her, boost her up and let her know you're there to help.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

I think you have tried everything you could to do this in a nice way. So my only suggestion is stop beating around it and just tell her, as nicely as you can, that her weight has caused you to lose attraction to her. That you still love her but the attraction has faded. Maybe that will be the wake up call she needs to take control of the situation and if it doesn't then you know you tried everything you could. If she doesn't choose to change there is nothing you can do about it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's probably the meds. There is a chemically induced effect on appetite and food preference that is difficult to resist. 

That factor does not help you be attracted to the woman you fell in love with 70 lbs ago. However, please understand that her appetite may not be totally under her control. 

I think you and your wife should work with her physician to find the right meds that alleviate the depression and deal with her appetite and weight gain. 

First, her physician needs to be a specialist and not a general practitioner. Secondly, your wife needs to be motivated to find the solution and be wiling to try meds to find the right combination. 

I don't know what meds she is taking but there are many that have little effect on appetite. Many woman think that love and sexual attraction are one and the same. 

However, I don't think many people can control what they find sexually attractive. It is either there or not and loving a person does not completely overcome that preference. 

In my opinion, your feelings are normal. Now how to deal compassionately with the problem. Can you get your wife to understand that her weight gain is a serious problem but that it is fixable? 

The risk of going along as you have now is that you may meet a woman who is physically and emotionally attractive. So, it is important to solve this problem.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

It's not just the depression medication that is making her heavier, it is eating the wrong foods & not exercising.

It's important to know if she WANTS to lose weight. If she doesn't, then there is not much you can do except tell her how you really feel about her weight gain & hurt her feelings. If you don't want to do this, then you learn to live with her as she is now. Maybe in the future she will lose the extra weight. Many people do.

If she wants to lose weight, then you help & support her as a loving partner. Focus on the goal of losing weight & getting healthy which means no hurting feelings & only positive reinforcement.

FWIW, if my husband put on an extra 60 pounds at 6'2" he would be FAT & unhealthy. He wouldn't even ask me if something looked good on him. I thinks she's testing you about that which is passive-aggressive because she knows how you feel about her weight gain. Next time she asks you, keep it simple with a "sure" or "okay" & if she gets upset by your answer, ignore it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I've been on depression meds for years & 60-70 pound weight gain is NOT a side-effect. It is unwise for anybody here to suggest she go off the meds; depression can be fatal.

Again eating the wrong foods & not exercising have packed on the pounds.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My husband is on 6 different medications for his bipolar, anxiety, ADD, insomnia. Add to that the problems he has with his back/spine (genetic, from what his doctors told him), and the medications he takes for that... He has gained a significant amount of weight as well. When I say significant, I mean 60-75 pounds. And I am still attracted to the man. He is disgusted with himself. His doctor and physical therapist have restricted his activities (walking, exercise, etc) because it actually makes his back worse. He has now been referred to a pain clinic. Hopefully, they will be able to help him so he can get out and walk. He tried reducing how much food he eats and he gained more. He increased (per the dietician's suggestion) and he maintained his weight, after losing maybe 5 pounds in two months. His doctors have gone through so many different medication combinations in the 4 years since this all started. They finally have something that works... unfortunately, the side effects of at least two of them is significant weight gain. When I looked up drug interactions between what he is taking and Welbutrin, there are moderate to severe interactions. So, we will see what the pain clinic says for him and hopefully he CAN get out and walk, at least, with minimal pain. 

I see so many suggest Welbutrin if someone is gaining weight while taking other medications. It doesn't always work that way for everyone. Just something to keep in mind.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Its probably a double whammy. Meaning if she was depressed before the meds, that may have caused her to emotionally over eat, or at least not eat the right kinds of foods, then if you're depressed most people wouldn't want to exercise anyway. Then, there might be some medications that have helped to contribute to some weight gain. Its probably best to see if shes willing to seek help from a counselor right now. I believe her mind is in need of help more than anything right now. Once she gets back on the right track mentally, then maybe she can move forward physically!


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I've been on depression meds for years & 60-70 pound weight gain is NOT a side-effect. It is unwise for anybody here to suggest she go off the meds; depression can be fatal.
> 
> Again eating the wrong foods & not exercising have packed on the pounds.


I agree, 60-70 pounds is a lot of weight and cannot all be lumped under the anti-depressant. Has she leveled out or is she still gaining? If she doesn't make a change it may get worse and the more weight she puts on the harder it will be to get it to come off. I can't imagine any Dr. that would dismiss her weight gain as due to a medication so it can't be helped. Her being at a healthy weight is just as important as her mental health and she needs to find a balance. If she isn't working out and trying to eat better then she isn't doing everything she can to counter the medicine.

Maybe ask her if she has discussed it with her Dr. or encourage her to see a nutritionist. They can help her figure out a healthy and realistic way of eating, not just some fad diet. She needs a life change in regards to food and exercise.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I've been on depression meds for years & 60-70 pound weight gain is NOT a side-effect. It is unwise for anybody here to suggest she go off the meds; depression can be fatal.
> 
> Again eating the wrong foods & not exercising have packed on the pounds.


Same thing happens when eating the right foods and not over eating AND being active. In some cases, whether you agree or not, the medications DO have that side effect.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I never believed meds caused weight gain until it happened to my sister. She got on the depo shot and by the 2nd shot she was gaining weight despite normally being rail thin and not eating more than normal (I will admit I didn't follow her around but I do trust her).

It took several months of quitting the depo shot before it was out of her system and the weight came off. I googled it and weight gain was the top complaint of depo users. So it does happen to some people.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> My husband is on 6 different medications for his bipolar, anxiety, ADD, insomnia. Add to that the problems he has with his back/spine (genetic, from what his doctors told him), and the medications he takes for that... He has gained a significant amount of weight as well. When I say significant, I mean 60-75 pounds. And I am still attracted to the man. He is disgusted with himself. His doctor and physical therapist have restricted his activities (walking, exercise, etc) because it actually makes his back worse. He has now been referred to a pain clinic. Hopefully, they will be able to help him so he can get out and walk. He tried reducing how much food he eats and he gained more. He increased (per the dietician's suggestion) and he maintained his weight, after losing maybe 5 pounds in two months. His doctors have gone through so many different medication combinations in the 4 years since this all started. They finally have something that works... unfortunately, the side effects of at least two of them is significant weight gain. When I looked up drug interactions between what he is taking and Welbutrin, there are moderate to severe interactions. So, we will see what the pain clinic says for him and hopefully he CAN get out and walk, at least, with minimal pain.
> 
> I see so many suggest Welbutrin if someone is gaining weight while taking other medications. It doesn't always work that way for everyone. Just something to keep in mind.


Has he considered exercising in a pool? I know it isn't the same but when I was pregnant I dislocated my hip and was carrying a lot of extra weight, plus the looser ligaments and joints was all very painful and made it difficult to walk. But getting in a pool to exercise felt amazing and the pain just lifted because I wasn't carrying the weight as much.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Has he considered exercising in a pool? I know it isn't the same but when I was pregnant I dislocated my hip and was carrying a lot of extra weight, plus the looser ligaments and joints was all very painful and made it difficult to walk. But getting in a pool to exercise felt amazing and the pain just lifted because I wasn't carrying the weight as much.


He did therapy in a pool. He was fine during the exercises. Afterward, he was virtually bedridden for 2 days afterward.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I never believed meds caused weight gain until it happened to my sister. She got on the depo shot and by the 2nd shot she was gaining weight despite normally being rail thin and not eating more than normal (I will admit I didn't follow her around but I do trust her).
> 
> It took several months of quitting the depo shot before it was out of her system and the weight came off. I googled it and weight gain was the top complaint of depo users. So it does happen to some people.


Exactly! My husband is on Seroquel, Lamictal, Cymbalta, Ritalin, Baclofen, Valium. Seroquel is a weight gainer... this has come from EVERY doctor he has had since being put on that drug. In addition to that, there are some drugs which people have the OPPOSITE side effects. For instance, Adderall. My husband was put on that before Ritalin. It didn't work for his ADD, which isn't unusual. Unfortunately, that medication started his decrease in sex drive... and it hasn't come back up since. His doctor swears his lack of interest is due "only" to his depression (bipolar 2, actually).


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I also believe certain medications can cause weight gain and for some weight loss.

My mother was on anti-depressants and anxiety medications for a long time, and she had some weight gain with all of them. Then they switched her to Wellbutrin and she dropped weight, looked like a rail for awhile. Now its been better adjusted and she doesn't look so rail thin.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For the record I hate meds now. This after years of dealing with depression and anxiety myself. I won't even take a Tylenol unless I can't stand it. Once I got off ALL meds both prescription and OTC I notice side affects that I never noticed before.

I found that several OTC meds that I used to eat like candy cause an increase in my appetite until it wears off. Benedryl, Tylenol PM, Execdrin, etc. I would have never noticed this had I not gotten off of everything for a few months.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

OP has stated that his wife "didn't want to eat well with me."

I still believe a 60-70 pound weight gain due only to depression medication is not very common.

OP's wife doesn't eat well = weight gain.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I take B Vitamins and Fish Oil, and I have found they have helped some with depression and memory issues for me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jamison said:


> I take B Vitamins and Fish Oil, and I have found they have helped some with depression and memory issues for me.


In the book Depression Free Naturally she suggests supplements combined with diet and exercise instead of meds. She has a 75% success rate and it worked on me too.

I no longer need all those supplements now unless I'm having a bad day but I do still do the diet and I work out. This is key to keeping my depression at bay.

I did all this in combination with talk therapy.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> In the book Depression Free Naturally she suggests supplements combined with diet and exercise instead of meds.  She has a 75% success rate and it worked on me too.
> 
> I no longer need all those supplements now unless I'm having a bad day but I do still do the diet and I work out. This is key to keeping my depression at bay.
> 
> I did all this in combination with talk therapy.


I might have to check that book out. My husband is on Celexa, and so far it seems to be ok, but not great. My son has ADD and I really would like to get him off the ADD meds he is on and switch to something more natural, just not sure what that would be.


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## DjangoJr (Jan 8, 2013)

AD's should be a last resort, but exercise and diet have to be a priority if someone starts on them


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> In the book Depression Free Naturally she suggests supplements combined with diet and exercise instead of meds. She has a 75% success rate and it worked on me too.
> 
> I no longer need all those supplements now unless I'm having a bad day but I do still do the diet and I work out. This is key to keeping my depression at bay.
> 
> I did all this in combination with talk therapy.


There is also something called "neurogystics"..I'm looking into it for my son.They do a urine analysis believe it or not to check the levels and balance of your neurotransmitters.Dopomine,endorphins,gaba ,serotonin etc..Based on those results they treat with pharmeceutical grade amino acids.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> There is also something called "neurogenics"..I'm looking into it for my son.They do a urine analysis believe it or not to check the levels and balance of your neurotransmitters.Dopomine,endorphins,gaba ,serotonin etc..Based on those results they treat with pharmeceutical grade amino acids.


I'm all for ANYTHING besides meds.

I took amino's as part of my supplements. Not pharmaceutical grade but still they did work.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I'm all for ANYTHING besides meds.
> 
> I took amino's as part of my supplements. Not pharmaceutical grade but still they did work.


Well I'm glad to meet you .Someone to give feed back on it.My sons had pretty bad depression and anxiety.Hes been on meds in the past didn't know any alternatives.(he also has OCD he puuls his hair out)They didn't really help him and he couldn't stand the way he felt on them.This time hes refusing them and I had read about vitamin therapy that led me to this Dr. who actually specializes in natural hormone therapy for women and men.But they within that treatment treat depression which goes alone many times with meno pause and andropause.So this Dr. is actually an OB/GYN..LOL>>Im taking my 23 yo son to gynocolegist baby doctor for depression LOL!

They also run test to check your digestive system to be sure you have no malabsorbtion issues.Which is good for him he has abused alcohol to self medicate which obviously doesnt help but can also screw up your digestive system causing vitamin /mineral deficiencies..


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Of course there's something she can do! I broke my neck 4.5 years ago, had 2 kidney infections(1 massive one with a 6 night hosp stay), countless bladder infections this past year and now I have painful blood cysts on my ovaries. Only God knows why he's putting me through this hell. 

I've been working hard not to feel sorry for myself and become depressed. There are days where I break down bawling wondering why I deserve this stupid health issues! Actually I'm riding my stationary bike as I type this.

I gained weight after breaking my neck. About 30 pounds. I can't walk very far without a wheelchair, but I still can walk and I still am able to do housework and for the last year and a half I ride my bike any day possible. I've cut way back on my food intake and I cook mostly from scratch and healthy foods, especially super foods.

Before this I gained 100lbs with each child(3) and lost all of it. Lets face it, I like food. In the last two years I've been living by "eat to live and not live to eat". I started by using Myfitnesspal.com on my iPod touch app. I have to modify my exercises or I'll go into unbearable pain and it can last for weeks.

I've lost nearly the entire 30 pounds. Around the holidays I have a harder time keeping myself from eating all the goodies everyone brings over.

Support your wife. Try to get her involved with walking after dinner maybe join a gym membership. Aqua aerobics are fun and affordable too. Let your wife know your worried about the causes weight gain effects like diabetes, heart/stroke, and life threatening causes due to the extra weight. Buy foods that are healthy and use veggies/fruits as snacks. Carrots are awesome to tide you over. Have more sex, it's a great workout and you'll have a deeper bond.

Have your wife find the right treatment for her depression. I've worked so hard to stay out of becoming depressed. When I get in my funks, I make myself get up and ride my bike. I also have a few hobbies that really keep me happy along with my supportive husband and children.

Good luck. I hope you find a way to help your wife. She'll feel much better after losing the weight. Once you start exercising everyday it becomes addictive! 

Age really plays a factor on slowing the metabolism. I'm almost 40 and its getting harder and harder to maintain my weight. My husband is extremely athletic. I do not keep the weight off for my husband, I keep it off for myself. It's a goal of mine. Riding my stationary bike gives me a little more endurance to keep the house clean and to cook. Cooking from scratch takes a long time, sometimes 3-4 hours just for one meal, but it's worth it and healthy.

Another thing, stay away from fast food, meals in a bag/box and restaurants. Again, keep the junk food out too. If its not there, there's no temptation to eat it.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

I gained weight on the depo shot too. Until one of the nurses in the office said your supposed to cut your calorie intake and exercise more when on the depo shot. sure wish I knee that when I started taking it.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> Exercise and a healthy diet can alleviate or even cure depression. Eating bad and not exercising can make depression worse. My guess is that her lifestyle that lead to the weight gain also worsened the depression. No matter what positive or reaffirming things you say about her weight gain, she will not believe it because she knows it is not true.


OP and I are in the same boat. I've made this exact argument to my wife a million times. I know it's hard for her to be motivated, but Jesus, just get off the couch and go for a walk every now and then. My wife chooses to just wallow instead. I swear she doesn't actually WANT to fix it. I think she's a naturally lazy person (which is fine, I am too) who's depression is a great excuse to just sit around watching TV all day.



> Maybe you can take the lead on making simple sustainable lifestyle changes that get calories down and activity up for the both of you. Things like walking and eating smaller portions.... A little momentum can go a long way. Also, genuine compliments about other aspects of her life may get her feeling better about herself.


If she's anything like my wife, she'll see right through this or she'll follow along for a week and give up. I've stopped trying.



Emerald said:


> I've been on depression meds for years & 60-70 pound weight gain is NOT a side-effect. It is unwise for anybody here to suggest she go off the meds; depression can be fatal.
> 
> Again eating the wrong foods & not exercising have packed on the pounds.


Correct. I'm okay with some weight gain from meds, but 60 pounds is a LOT of weight to put on. 

Anyway, like I said earlier, I'm in the same boat as the OP. I've tried everything with my wife. She wanted me to essentially be her trainer for a while to keep her motivated - that ended in tears. Tried the walk thing. Tried tennis. Wanted to buy bikes. No go. Encouraging her when she decides to try something on her own goes nowhere. I don't think she's ever stuck to a diet or exercise program for more than a week. Literally. Setting a good example does no good. I eat well and work out 3x/week and have ever since we dated. Apparently it doesn't rub off. 

And for the last 10 years I've sat there telling her she looked good, didn't look fat, blah blah blah. After a fight a few months back she asked seriously if I had an issue with her weight. I thought "well, this is probably the best opportunity I'll have and maybe this will change things", so I said yes. And as you might have guessed, not one thing has changed.

So sorry, OP, no advice for you. Just know you're not alone.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> this Dr. who actually specializes in natural hormone therapy for women and men.


I'm being treated now with natural hormones to deal with menopause issues. Works beautifully!!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> OP and I are in the same boat. I've made this exact argument to my wife a million times. I know it's hard for her to be motivated, but Jesus, just get off the couch and go for a walk every now and then. My wife chooses to just wallow instead. I swear she doesn't actually WANT to fix it. I think she's a naturally lazy person (which is fine, I am too) who's depression is a great excuse to just sit around watching TV all day.


Someone who's never been depressed would say that.The symptoms of depression are not a 'choice" anymore than the symptoms diabetes.When you are badly depressed it litterally can feel like walking is through quicksand.It doesn't matter how much you way I was 110 lbs (severely depressed) and it took all my energy to get out of the bed and MOVE to the couch.Being chronically exhausted/lethargic is a main symptom of major depression.And its not that someone who is depressed doesn't WANT to "fix it"..it the hoplesness that you will not or can never feel better is another symptom .That's why many committ suicide they see no hope in sight and they are so tired of the way they feel and they KNOW on top of that already they are useless.And getting up of the couch and going for a walk it not even close to the cure. For someone with severe depression if it helps its fleeting and the energy it takes is daunting.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I would see if your wife is willing to try a different antidepressant. I have been on Wellbutrin and lost a lot of weight on it. Not all antidepressants are the same. I have bipolar disorder and cannot function without medication, but weight gain is not a side effect I am willing to put up with and i refuse medication that causes weight gain. The end result is that I am now on something that works well, but doesn't cause weight gain.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Weight gain from medication can be difficult, and with depression medication especially as its obviously a very delicate thing to adjust/change. So, with that in mind, ultimately the only person who can answer if she should or can switch to a different medication is her doctor/psychiatrist. Is she also on birth control? That might be a double dose of weight encouraging medication. 

What is she doing in addition to the medication to address her depression? The medication might not be enough - she might also need to think about counseling/therapy. It is kind of telling about the medical field of the day that exercise suggestions and nutrition counseling doesn't go hand-in-hand with depression medication. But - food intolerance can also cause depression symptoms and lead to weight gain because as another poster suggested - malabsorbtion. So for multiple reasons, she might want to consider seeing a nutritionist. 

In the end, people are right about two things - you cannot ultimately make the choice for your wife, and the message you are giving her is a bit contradictory. (I talked about this over on the sexual attraction thread recently.) You are saying on one hand - my love for you is unconditional, and that even when we are old and not so good looking - I'll still love and care about you. But - when I'm young, my attraction is conditional on your weight and your appearance. 

So - you need to make a choice there. If it is very important to the health of your relationship that she lose weight, you need to be honest with yourself and with her, and don't add antecedents like that to the conversation, or you are "muddying the waters."


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

curlysue321 said:


> I would see if your wife is willing to try a different antidepressant. I have been on Wellbutrin and lost a lot of weight on it. Not all antidepressants are the same. I have bipolar disorder and cannot function without medication, but weight gain is not a side effect I am willing to put up with and i refuse medication that causes weight gain. The end result is that I am now on something that works well, but doesn't cause weight gain.


Right not all antidepressants are the same as well one antidepressant that works for one person may not work at all on someone else or even make them feel worse.After being on about 25 different ones myself many with horrible side affects like "tremors' or other neurological affects like unable to keep my balance ..or not being able to feel my feet..Oh and ONE ironcically I became anorexic I weighed under 90 lbs my elbows were bigger around the my upper arm and my rib cage was showing before the doctor took me off it.Finally the only one that helped me was Lexapro.

So maybe you can refuse to take ones that cause weight gain lucky for you that one works for you it doesn't work for everyone.In fact I took Wellbutrin and I had morbid intrusive thoughts constantly.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> *Someone who's never been depressed would say that.*The symptoms of depression are not a 'choice" anymore than the symptoms diabetes.When you are badly depressed it litterally can feel like walking is through quicksand.It doesn't matter how much you way I was 110 lbs (severely depressed) and it took all my energy to get out of the bed and MOVE to the couch.Being chronically exhausted/lethargic is a main symptom of major depression.And its not that someone who is depressed doesn't WANT to "fix it"..it the hoplesness that you will not or can never feel better is another symptom .That's why many committ suicide they see no hope in sight and they are so tired of the way they feel and they KNOW on top of that already they are useless.And getting up of the couch and going for a walk it not even close to the cure. For someone with severe depression if it helps its fleeting and the energy it takes is daunting.


You're absolutely right and I've talked with her about it. I have no idea what it's like. I've never been depressed. She describes it exactly how you do, when it's at it's worst. The thing is, with her at least, it's not at it's worst all the time. A lot of the times she seems to be doing fine (and yes, "seems", she might not actually be fine.) It just gets aggravating when things seem to be going well to have her just sit and sit and sit. 

After so many years of this, it can start to wear on the non-depressed spouse.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> After so many years of this, it can start to wear on the non-depressed spouse.


I sympathise and understand it can be difficult to live with especially if you don't know what it feels like yourself.But its kind of like getting mad at your spouse because they have chronic migraines (which can often shut you down completely for days) because you want them to get up and go out and about with you.

Even though I'm totally on the band wagon for good diet and excersize can benefit those with depression.(it cant hurt them that's for sure) just depending on the severity how much it benefits varies greatly and how depressed you are has a real affect on your "ability" to force your self to do it (the sheer effort it takes ) especially if you know you aren't going to feel that much better any way and not for long.Depression is a fatal disease for a reason.My BIL's nephew in fact just committed suicide about 6 months ago.He was in his 30's had depression all his life ..(fit by the way looked like a movie star in fact ).His life actually on the outside seemed great..He hit a bump in the road with his new GF...and within hours was dead.Shot himself in the head.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I have no personal experience with this but I have read that depression medicines are much less effective than they were previously thought to be.

I don't know...if it was me I'd want to gradually go off them to figure out what they were really doing for me.

Check out Dr. John McDougall's plan- I've found it to be very effective for weight loss, health and getting rid of cravings once you get over the hump.


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## ciscotruff (Jan 16, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> 60-70 pounds is A LOT of weight and I think you are being far too forgiving. If she wants to be more attractive she'd do the work and yes it absolutely does help with depression (I suffer from it as well).
> 
> She may feel like you're pressuring her but all you need to do is stand firm. You aren't but yes there are consequences to her actions. If she chooses to overeat to the point of obesity she chooses to lose her attractiveness. This isn't mean it's truthful.



Thank you for your reply. Yes, I agree with you. We had a long talk last night about it and although she was upset/hurt at first and took her some time to cool off, she essentially agreed that she would rather me be honest with her because she knows how I feel either way.

I stated that most of all that I love her no matter what and that I just miss her healthier self. That she used to always come with me to the community pool/beach, look awesome in a bikini, go on a cruise ship, feel good about herself when she dressed up. That I want her to be happy and I don't see her as happy now compared to her healthier self.

I personally feel a lot better just being open and more direct with her (of course taking into consideration her feelings and not condeming of her) and having an open/adult conversation about it. It is soo hard to speak about this stuff because I know how vulnerable she is feeling already.

I think it isn't that I feel that she is completely unattractive, I think I am just worried that it might not stop here and become more of an issue with health on top of how depressed she will feel about her self and her self image.

She was upset some but did cool down and today she seemed to be actually in higher spirits and I feel better between us. She stated that she doesn't want to be this way forever and for me to try to love her how she is while she is still going through this stage.

I stated that I do still love her, this is just a concern of mine. She stated last night that she didn't know how I could love her if I wasn't attracted to her. I stated again that I do lover her very much and just like to see her happier with herself and that it affects me when she isn't happier with herself.

All in all, I am feeling better about the whole situation just because I feel like I have been holding me feelings back from her which also doesn't feel good to me.

She


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

I think we're missing he OP's point. He doesn't need 100 different "expert" opinions on what medication he should have her try (as though he can prescribe them for her). We aren't her physician. We don't know her entire medical history and are not in a position to give advice about her medications. 

He's done everything that is always said in these kind of threads: he should eat right himself, he should exercise, he should encourage her to exercise with him, etc. I have said it before and I will say it again: when the "in shape" spouse has done everything within reason to try to help his/her spouse to lose weight and they still won't do it, they need to understand that THEY CAN'T LOSE THEIR SPOUSE'S WEIGHT FOR THEM, nor should they be made to feel as though they are some how responsible for their spouse's weight gain or their failure to lose it. 

Let's put the onus back on his wife to stop wallowing in her depression and self medicating with food. Now before you all go ballistic at that comment...my H is chronically depressed and has gained 120 lbs. I FULLY understand that when someone is depressed, they don't want to do anything, they feel hopeless, they despise themselves but can't make themselves do something to fix it. But at some point, the depressed spouse must stop the self pity and acknowledge that they are depressed and that their depression doesn't just affect them. The more the depressed person buries their head in the sand to hide from having to face the issues, the more depressed they become, and the more weight they gain, and they vicious cycle continues. The OP needs to get his wife to MC and have the therapist help explain to her how much of an issue her depression and weight gain has caused. That's what I'm doing with my H. I don't want that 3rd 120 lb person in our marriage anymore, and my husband is the only one who can get rid of it.


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## ciscotruff (Jan 16, 2013)

Hello, 
Yes, she is on Lexapro, wellbutrin, and clonazapan or something like this.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Let's put the onus back on his wife to stop wallowing in her depression and self medicating with food. Now before you all go ballistic at that comment...my H is chronically depressed and has gained 120 lbs. I FULLY understand that when someone is depressed, they don't want to do anything, they feel hopeless, they despise themselves but can't make themselves do something to fix it. But at some point, the depressed spouse must stop the self pity and acknowledge that they are depressed and that their depression doesn't just affect them. The more the depressed person buries their head in the sand to hide from having to face the issues, the more depressed they become, and the more weight they gain, and they vicious cycle continues. The OP needs to get his wife to MC and have the therapist help explain to her how much of an issue her depression and weight gain has caused. That's what I'm doing with my H. I don't want that 3rd 120 lb person in our marriage anymore, and my husband is the only one who can get rid of it.


This is the point I'm getting to as well. I sit here and think we've tried it her way for 10 years - the wallowing, the sitting, the weight gain, rinse and repeat - and we're getting nowhere. She's able to get up in the morning, get herself ready, get our daughter to school, go to work.....yet a 20 minute walk a few times a week is just too much to bear. I have a hard time buying it anymore.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Jamison said:


> Its probably a double whammy. Meaning if she was depressed before the meds, that may have caused her to emotionally over eat, or at least not eat the right kinds of foods, then if you're depressed most people wouldn't want to exercise anyway. Then, there might be some medications that have helped to contribute to some weight gain. Its probably best to see if shes willing to seek help from a counselor right now. I believe her mind is in need of help more than anything right now. Once she gets back on the right track mentally, then maybe she can move forward physically!


I 100% agree with this! I think this is the issue. If your mind is not where it should be mentally, and if she has a poor or negative thought process then that will carry over to the physical part. She needs a good therapist who will help her with some self esteem issues, along with depression issues etc. The mind needs help first, and then hopefully the physical part will come too.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> clonazapan


This is a benzo. Its anti anxiety similar to zanix /ativan .It will also make you feel sluggish and lethargic = weight gain.Its also addictive.Many people become addicted to it.As a matter of fact Stevie Nicks was taking it for anxiety and ended up having to be put in a rehab.After she became somewhat of a recluse gained a bunch of weight stopped wanting to write etc of course she had gotten up to like 10 mgs a day.Someone who hasn't built up a tolerance or has never taken it that amount in one day would probably stop their heart...I actually take this one but only very sparingly and not every day for when I have a high anxiety day or have a lot of trouble sleeping.It takes care of the anxiety but at the same time makes me feel like a zombie.I would find out if she is taking that everyday and how much.If she is taking 1 to 3 mgs of that a day every day on top of the other ones you mentioned that will turn most people into a sloth.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> This is a benzo. Its anti anxiety similar to zanix /ativan .It will also make you feel sluggish and lethargic = weight gain.Its also addictive.


My dad popped these like candy. He died recently at the age of 71 and his abuse of this drug played a part in it.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

ciscotruff said:


> Thank you for your reply. Yes, I agree with you. We had a long talk last night about it and although she was upset/hurt at first and took her some time to cool off, she essentially agreed that she would rather me be honest with her because she knows how I feel either way.
> 
> I stated that most of all that I love her no matter what and that I just miss her healthier self. That she used to always come with me to the community pool/beach, look awesome in a bikini, go on a cruise ship, feel good about herself when she dressed up. That I want her to be happy and I don't see her as happy now compared to her healthier self.
> 
> ...


Very good to hear!

What is her plan to lose the weight?


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## RayRay88 (Dec 5, 2012)

Maybe you could focus on the healthy benefits if she were to lose the weight. Explain you want to make it to a good old age and the best way to do that is by eating healthy and staying active. Even a little effort will go a long way- once she sees the scale drop 5lbs or so she will become more motivated to become healthy. Even better is when she starts fitting her smaller clothes again! I don't think focusing on how much she loses is best though. Focus on a healthy lifestyle that will benefit both of you and her depression will slowly lessen. 
I deal with this problem as well. I gained about 60lbs since I met my hubby  We had a baby together and that just added to it of course. So I'm trying to get back to 140 cuz I was sexy and I knew it lmao also check into all natural anti-depressants. They are OTC and more expensive but worth it!
Hopefully she will want to make this lifestyle change. It took alot for us to start changing our eating habits. I have no clue if I lost anything lol I haven't checked! But I have gone with all fresh meats and veggies as our change a few weeks ago and I feel much better  not only that it tastes so much better than processed foods. We used to have 2-3 homemade meals a wk but we are now up to at least 5 of 6 days of fresh foods!!

Fun way to exercise- get a Wii or Kinect!! (or make use of the one you have lol)


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Not everybody that takes controlled medications are lazy and become addicted. Whether they are for anxiety or for pain. There are many people who use them properly and live a much better life because of them. After a few weeks the side effects wear off and it's not any different then taking Tylenol or ibuprofen.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Not everybody that takes controlled medications are lazy and become addicted. Whether they are for anxiety or for pain. There are many people who use them properly and live a much better life because of them. After a few weeks the side effects wear off and it's not any different then taking Tylenol or ibuprofen.


Tylenol is not a benzo which is highly addictive.The risk aren't even there for tylenol but they are for the class of drugs his wife is taking.Its like comparing tylenol verses cocaine.

And not one person said that everyone that takes them (addictive substances) are lazy and become addicted .Or that no one uses them "properly" who said that?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> Tylenol is not a benzo which is highly addictive.The risk aren't even there for tylenol but they are for the class of drugs his wife is taking.Its like comparing tylenol verses cocaine.
> 
> And not one person said that everyone that takes them (addictive substances) are lazy and become addicted .Or that no one uses them "properly" who said that?


You are not understanding my post. 

Just because people take controlled medications doesn't mean they are addicted. People who take controlled medications correctly and after a period of time(2-4 weeks) do not feel "high", "fuzzy", "drunk", ect... Controlled medications for the people who need them are allowed to live a somewhat normal life. 

I have a pretty good understanding how these medications work since I broke my neck 5 years ago and live in very severe pain 24/7. Without any help, I would of taken my life a few years ago.

Right now I can exercise(bike a few minutes a day only), enjoy my hobbies and raise my family even though I'm housebound due to pain. Also I can not walk very far and I need a wheelchair when there's walking involved. I have never abused or taken more then what is prescribed with any type of medication. I also do not drink or smoke. I live a very healthy life.

I've never taken any illegal drugs in my life. Before I broke my neck I ran 36 miles a week and raced in triathlons.

It's awful living in your mid 30's disabled and very limited physical activity. I haven't slept or been pain free in 5 years. Thank God I have a super supportive husband who thinks the world of me. Trying to live a positive and fulfilling life like this is an extreme challenge. Especially when I had to quit running. Anyways, I'm done with this thread and post.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> You are not understanding my post.
> 
> Just because people take controlled medications doesn't mean they are addicted. People who take controlled medications correctly and after a period of time(2-4 weeks) do not feel "high", "fuzzy", "drunk", ect... Controlled medications for the people who need them are allowed to live a somewhat normal life.
> 
> ...


So far, I have been fortunate. I have been able to manage my pain, mostly, with Tylenol. I don't take any prescription pain relievers either. I just suffer through it until I can't handle anymore...or I will take Tylenol about an hour before I know I will need to combat pain. Even then, I STILL use Tylenol sparingly because there ARE side effects to it, if you use it to often/too long. But I can't take anything other than acetaminophen derivatives. But I don't smoke or drink, nor do I/have I ever used any illegal drugs. There are risks with ALL medications, and the OTC can be just as fatal as controlled substances sometimes.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Just because people take controlled medications doesn't mean they are addicted



Never said they were.




> I've never taken any illegal drugs in my life.


Never said you did I have no idea why you feel the need to tell me that but ...Oh well congratulations???



> Right now I can exercise(bike a few minutes a day only), enjoy my hobbies and raise my family even though I'm housebound due to pain. Also I can not walk very far and I need a wheelchair when there's walking involved.


O.K ...




> It's awful living in your mid 30's disabled and very limited physical activity. I haven't slept or been pain free in 5 years. Thank God I have a super supportive husband who thinks the world of me.


:smthumbup:

Again what does that have to do with the topic??

Anyway congrats ..sounds like you are doing great!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I've avoided saying this for a really long time, but I feel it might be time to say it. I'd like to say that personally, IILWMH, I'm very sorry for your accident, for your pain, and what it has meant to your life, for your freedom, and for your lifestyle. But - needing to use it as a trump card against everyone else's situation, is kind of unfair and more than a little awkward for other posters trying to help. 

Not every thread about someone who has had weight gain, is depressed, had an injury, or is on medication is a personal attack on you because of your situation. As such, constantly commenting about how you exercise and are in relative shape despite your pain, and how your husband loves you despite everything and how he's super supportive and understanding, aren't always helpful to the OP, nor sometimes the other posters in a thread. There's no way to follow your comments in a way that doesn't make everyone involved feel bad. 

Not everyone is you, and not everyone is your husband, and what works for your, despite everything, may or may not work for other people. How you've reacted to your medication may or may not be how everyone reacts. The willpower you have, might not be the willpower everyone has. Let's try and understand that everyone is different and therefore - that's why different posters offer different solutions, to see which one might fit.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I think diet, lack of exercise, medical issues, hormones, and certain medications can ALL play a role in weight gain sometimes. She might want to talk with her doctor about a good place to start on all those issues. Of course she may need more than one doctor/counselor depending on what the issues for her may be.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> 60-70 pounds is A LOT of weight and I think you are being far too forgiving. If she wants to be more attractive she'd do the work and yes it absolutely does help with depression (I suffer from it as well).
> 
> She may feel like you're pressuring her but all you need to do is stand firm. You aren't but yes there are consequences to her actions. If she chooses to overeat to the point of obesity she chooses to lose her attractiveness. This isn't mean it's truthful.


I am sorry, but too forgiving???? Seriously. We are on a forum where people rips eachother hearts out with cheating and lies...and say he is being too forgiving for his wife gaining weight? 

Life happens, sh*t happens. Her gaining weight is a drop in the bucket and nothing that has to be "forgiven" for.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> I am sorry, but too forgiving???? Seriously. We are on a forum where people rips eachother hearts out with cheating and lies...and say he is being too forgiving for his wife gaining weight?
> 
> Life happens, sh*t happens. Her gaining weight is a drop in the bucket and nothing that has to be "forgiven" for.


You're right there are worse things his wife could be doing however right or wrong it's a problem for the OP. Losing attraction for your spouse could be the catalyst for cheating so wouldn't it be better to fix the problem NOW before it turns into something far more serious?

My word choice could have been better true. I was just saying I understand and that his feelings should be honored.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SSRI's will make you gain weight but it is not unusual to add welbutrin to that and lose weight as a result. It is certainly worth speaking to your physician about.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You're right there are worse things his wife could be doing however right or wrong it's a problem for the OP. Losing attraction for your spouse could be the catalyst for cheating so wouldn't it be better to fix the problem NOW before it turns into something far more serious?
> 
> My word choice could have been better true. I was just saying I understand and that his feelings should be honored.


I would be more depressed in fact and less motivated if I felt I had to race the clock to lose weight before my husband screwed someone else "thinner" than me..I think I would say if that's the deal just go get what you want..keep your hands off of me in the meantime.Actually there's a few men out there that don't mind a few extra chunks while I'm loving him..And if or when I'm back in your "range of weight"' to be sex worthy don't bother ringing my doorbell..


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Tigger said:


> Aren't you kind of contradicting yourself when you say you'll love her at 100 when you are both old and gross but not now when you are both younger?
> 
> You wife has a medical condition she is being treated for. The side effect of the medication is weight gain. People who have been thin all their lives find they are gaining 30 or more pounds when taking anti depressants.
> 
> ...


I'm curious what this medical condition is that keeps you heavy. Do you mind sharing? Anti depressants may cause 10-20 lb weight gain but 60 or 70? I don't buy it sorry.. That is lifestyle my friend..


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I'm curious what this medical condition is that keeps you heavy. Do you mind sharing? Anti depressants may cause 10-20 lb weight gain but 60 or 70? I don't buy it sorry.. That is lifestyle my friend..


Sorry, wrong. My husband started gaining and reduced his intake. He continued to gain. Saw the dietician and she said he needed to INCREASE, based on what he was eating at THAT time. He has lost MAYBE 5 pounds in the last two months... MAYBE. But he DID gain due to the medications. That came straight from the psychiatrist and his physician. It doesn't help that his medications were changed multiple times over the course of 4 years, and he is now on a mix that works (mostly) for his head. So, sorry, some DO gain that much due to the antidepressants.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> SSRI's will make you gain weight but it is not unusual to add welbutrin to that and lose weight as a result. It is certainly worth speaking to your physician about.


Hmmm... I guess it won't hurt anything to have him ask his psychiatrist if there would be a bad interaction if Welbutrin were to be added to his meds. I just hate adding another medication to all he takes as it is! The worst that can happen is she could say it's not a good idea with the meds he's on now, right? :smthumbup:


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Perhaps he was an exception (which I still find gaining 70lbs due to medication alone hard to believe). I can fathom medication changing metabolism or increasing ones appetite, but if someone is eating a pristine diet and exercising, I can't believe meds alone would make them gain. Also, I know thyroid issues mess with people's weight but I still think lifestyle and food choices play a factor


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Again, I will go back to my point and say we can all argue til we're blue in the face about benzos, SSRIs, OTC antidepressants, combinations thereof, addictiveness of said meds, food intake, effort put into exercise, BUT...

We're not helping the OP with the real issue at hand: how to deal with his wife's weight gain and her unwillingness to take responsibility for how it affects his attraction to her. Again, he can't prescribe meds for her, he can't control every time she puts her hand to her mouth to put food in it, he can't strap her on his back and go for a walk for her. Saying he shouldn't feel less attracted to her because of her weight gain is a no no. Who are we to tell anyone else how they should or shouldn't feel? The fact is, he DOES feel that way. So again I will say that they really need to attend MC to address her depression and the snowball effect it's having on their marriage.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Waking up to life said:


> Again, I will go back to my point and say we can all argue til we're blue in the face about benzos, SSRIs, OTC antidepressants, combinations thereof, addictiveness of said meds, food intake, effort put into exercise, BUT...
> 
> We're not helping the OP with the real issue at hand: how to deal with his wife's weight gain and her unwillingness to take responsibility for how it affects his attraction to her. Again, he can't prescribe meds for her, he can't control every time she puts her hand to her mouth to put food in it, he can't strap her on his back and go for a walk for her. Saying he shouldn't feel less attracted to her because of her weight gain is a no no. Who are we to tell anyone else how they should or shouldn't feel? The fact is, he DOES feel that way. So again I will say that they really need to attend MC to address her depression and the snowball effect it's having on their marriage.



HOW should YOU feel about this with your advice..



> Losing attraction for your spouse could be the catalyst for cheating so wouldn't it be better to fix the problem NOW before it turns into something far more serious?


I'm saying SHE can find someone else too ..


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Seriously, 70 pounds in a couple years? That is like 20 pounds a year. If she keeps that up for another couple of years she will be home bound. At what point is a spouse allowed to say 'enough is enough', without being the bad guy. At some point in our society, people who lack the self control to maintain a healthy weight became a protected class. For some reason it is socially UNacceptable for a spouse to be upset about unhealthy and unattractive weight gain. All too often being overweight is blamed on medical conditions. Why are there not any overweight people in places where there is not enough food? It is a self control and discipline issue except in very very rare cases.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> I've avoided saying this for a really long time, but I feel it might be time to say it. I'd like to say that personally, IILWMH, I'm very sorry for your accident, for your pain, and what it has meant to your life, for your freedom, and for your lifestyle. But - needing to use it as a trump card against everyone else's situation, is kind of unfair and more than a little awkward for other posters trying to help.
> 
> Not every thread about someone who has had weight gain, is depressed, had an injury, or is on medication is a personal attack on you because of your situation. As such, constantly commenting about how you exercise and are in relative shape despite your pain, and how your husband loves you despite everything and how he's super supportive and understanding, aren't always helpful to the OP, nor sometimes the other posters in a thread. There's no way to follow your comments in a way that doesn't make everyone involved feel bad.
> 
> Not everyone is you, and not everyone is your husband, and what works for your, despite everything, may or may not work for other people. How you've reacted to your medication may or may not be how everyone reacts. The willpower you have, might not be the willpower everyone has. Let's try and understand that everyone is different and therefore - that's why different posters offer different solutions, to see which one might fit.


I've lost 100 pounds 3 times after 3 children. I gained 100 pounds each because I ate like a horse. I've been heavy all my childhood life also. I've learned how to lose weight in any situation. 

I also happen to be proud of my accomplishments and very grateful for things in life including my super supporting husband. If you don't like what I post, skip over my name. You can always block me if your sick of reading my posts as well. 

I do not use my situation as a trump card. I do not sit here and feel sorry for myself for what has happened. It was a major life event. I live life the best I possibly can with what I'm given.

Your right, not everyone is me. Not everyone is you either. We are all unique in our own way.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Gaining 70 pounds is quite a bit and really there's no excuse that can justify it.

I've done it 3 times in my past. I lost the weight by exercising and eating better. Cutting back on food portions and I started by walking. The first time I lost the 100 pounds I walked a mile everyday. It took me a full year to lose the weight. I would also use those workout videos on television(Jane Fonda and Richard Simmons).lol The other 2 times I was already addicted to exercise/running and I ran it off. I made this choice to lose weight for myself, not anyone else.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Perhaps he was an exception (which I still find gaining 70lbs due to medication alone hard to believe). I can fathom medication changing metabolism or increasing ones appetite, but if someone is eating a pristine diet and exercising, I can't believe meds alone would make them gain. Also, I know thyroid issues mess with people's weight but I still think lifestyle and food choices play a factor



I can name several medications that affect appetite as well as metabolism. I have had quite a bit of experience with them. 

Heres one example. I am now 53 I began my weight battle at about 25 and I fought my weight to keep it down until I was 48. And believe me it was a huge battle for all those years. When I hit 48 I went on testosterone and suddenly all the extra pounds melted off. 

Now I can eat anything I want and as much as I want and don't gain a pound. I am at my ideal weight and do not exercise at all. Don't have time.

Beyond that there are specific medications designed to increase app and metab. So yes medications can do this by design as well as by side effect.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Seriously, 70 pounds in a couple years? That is like 20 pounds a year.


No that's like 35lbs a year.Which is an average of about 2 and 1/2 lbs a month.

I don't understand either how people have no problem believing medications or heck even certain herbs and vitamins can speed up your metabolism and suppress your appetite including diet pills but none can slow it down and cause increased hunger and cravings.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> No that's like 35lbs a year.Which is an average of about 2 and 1/2 lbs a month.
> 
> I don't understand either how people have no problem believing medications or heck even certain herbs and vitamins can speed up *your metabolism and suppress your appetite including diet pills but none can slow it down and cause increased hunger and cravings.*


Say this is the case. If your metabolism slows down, you eat less. If your appetite increases you need more self control. It is calories in vs. calories out, really it is that simple. Without food there are no fat people. I never once claimed that medication cannot affect your appetite. It is a self control issue, not medical. It becomes medical when people become morbidly obese and develop heart disease and type 2 diabetes.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> No that's like 35lbs a year.Which is an average of about 2 and 1/2 lbs a month.
> 
> I don't understand either how people have no problem believing medications or heck even certain herbs and vitamins can speed up your metabolism and suppress your appetite including diet pills but none can slow it down and cause increased hunger and cravings.



Metabolism occurs as the bodly systems actuate thereby burning calories. Any drug that suppresses those functions reduces the amount of calories burned. 

The net effect is weight gain. In order to maintain weight you must either reduce calories or burn as much as you consume. Beyond that, you will gain.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> Say this is the case. If your metabolism slows down, you eat less. If your appetite increases you need more self control. It is calories in vs. calories out, really it is that simple. Without food there are no fat people. I never once claimed that medication cannot effect your appetite. It is a self control issue, not medical. It becomes medical when people become morbidly obese and develop heart disease and type 2 diabetes.


I understand calories in and calories out.People just don't seem to have the same attitude about someone taking a medication that causes them to lose weight.When I was taking one one time that through no "effort" on my own I was melting away in fact I had to will myself to eat(a complete almost non exisitent appetite ).I was not very succesfull and became dangerously thin.No one was bashing me for my "lack of self control" to not force myself to eat MORE.They were worried about me.No one was saying OMG there is NO excuse not to EAT!This is YOUR fault !No one was like WHAT! You went from 117lbs to 88 lbs in 6 months! Its calories in and calories out PERIOD!With enough food there are no bag of bones decrepidly skinny people! The medication was viewed as the CULPRIT my health was the concern not my level of attractiveness and I was taken off the meds because it was TORTURE trying to gag down a banana and a yogurt and some ensure .

I try to reverse that.If I was on a med that not only slowed down my metabilism but also made me feel hungry all the time.I can't say how successful I would be.When you are not starting off with a healthy metabalism and some drug is tripping your brain up telling you that your hungry when your NOT..or vice versa its easy to talk about "self control" and will power as a bystander.

And don't get me wrong I'm not claiming no attempts should be made and you just give in to it.I just see a lack of sympathy or empathy..And believe it or not I'm somewhat of a health nut.I'm a foodie.I'm a pescatarian I dont eat any meat but fish and eggs I eat rice/beans whole grains/ vegetables and fruit /and nuts as my main diet.I'm currently 115lbs at 5'2 and I'm 45 years old.I UNDERSTAND calories in and calories out I also understand the quality of the food we eat matters as well.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I understand calories in and calories out.People just don't seem to have the same attitude about someone taking a medication that causes them to lose weight.When I was taking one one time that through no "effort" on my own I was melting away in fact I had to will myself to eat(a complete almost non exisitent appetite ).I was not very succesfull and became dangerously thin.No one was bashing me for my "lack of self control" to not force myself to eat MORE.They were worried about me.No one was saying OMG there is NO excuse not to EAT!This is YOUR fault !No one was like WHAT! You went from 117lbs to 88 lbs in 6 months! Its calories in and calories out PERIOD!With enough food there are no bag of bones decrepidly skinny people! The medication was viewed as the CULPRIT my health was the concern not my level of attractiveness and I was taken off the meds because it was TORTURE trying to gag down a banana and a yogurt and some ensure .
> 
> I try to reverse that.If I was on a med that not only slowed down my metabilism but also made me feel hungry all the time.I can't say how successful I would be.When you are not starting off with a healthy metabalism and some drug is tripping your brain up telling you that your hungry when your NOT..or vice versa its easy to talk about "self control" and will power as a bystander.
> 
> And don't get me wrong I'm not claiming no attempts should be made and you just give in to it.I just see a lack of sympathy or empathy..And believe it or not I'm somewhat of a health nut.I'm a foodie.I'm a pescatarian I dont eat any meat but fish and eggs I eat rice/beans whole grains/ vegetables and fruit /and nuts as my main diet.I'm currently 115lbs at 5'2 and I'm 45 years old.I UNDERSTAND calories in and calories out I also understand the quality of the food we eat matters as well.


So you have made a choice to be healthy, bravo. That is really my only point. 

I will say it again, MOST people who are OVERweight (not under) lack self control. I have conceded that there are some medical conditions that affect weight gain. This, however, is very very rare. It surely does not account for 1 in 3 people who are obese in the US. I don't even know how the underweight discussion got into the mix. I have said in my past posts that rare medical conditions can cause serious irregularities in weight.... but they are VERY rare. Medication can affect your appetite. This can generally be overcome with better food choices and/or {GASP} exercise. In extreme fringe cases (such as your own), the medication can be changed/stopped. If that is not an option (the 1 in a 10000000 case), then that person may actually have a valid excuse. 

Every time somebody says 'I have a slow metabolism', I just cringe. Food is energy, figure out how much you need to live a healthy life. The cost of being overweight is decreased quality of life. There is so much misinformation out there that it makes me sad. It also gives justifications and excuses for people to continue to make poor choices. The unfortunate side effect is that the number of overweight people is increasing. I will continue to live healthy, because I believe it is important. I will continue to be honest about the need to make healthy choices. This includes telling people they need to make themselves uncomfortable (hunger, exercise) while their body adjusts to a healthy level of food consumption and activity. A little discomfort now sure beats diabetes and heart disease in the future.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think this is officially the point at which the conversation has no point of return - the point at which we start to debate if overweight people are morally inferior because they have less willpower than thin people. Which is not always the case - not everyone who is thin eats well and exercises - some people are just build slim, and have a metabolism that supports that. They are not all martyrs with extreme self-control.

Also - for people who assume that all overweight people have a poor quality of life - that isn't neccessarily true. It might not be the life -you- might want to live, and they might do what would make -you- happy - but that doesn't mean that as a collective, they are all unhappy. Just like not all thin people aren't happy. 

In this case, yes, the OP's wife's weight, in combination with her lingering depression symptoms is causing a decreased quality of life, even if because of her depression she doesn't recognize that. And further, it's beginning to affect the health of her marriage because of the OPs attraction, and thus it should be addressed.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> the point at which we start to debate if overweight people are morally inferior


Not at all my point. My only point is that weight is something that 99.9999% of people have complete control over. There are many medically documented reasons to maintain a healthy weight. I am merely stating that people need to take responsibility over their health. I am stating this while many on this board are making excuses for people to be overweight. I am just trying to counter that argument as I believe mine is correct and often not stated because of political correctness. 



Starstarfish said:


> Also - for people who assume that all overweight people have a poor quality of life - that isn't neccessarily true.


I disagree, but I highly value mobility. Also, even if an overweight person is healthy now they are at a much higher risk for debilitating medical conditions in the future. 



Starstarfish said:


> Just like not all thin people aren't happy.


 Absolutely 




Starstarfish said:


> In this case, yes, the OP's wife's weight, in combination with her lingering depression symptoms is causing a decreased quality of life, even if because of her depression she doesn't recognize that. And further, it's beginning to affect the health of her marriage because of the OPs attraction, and thus it should be addressed.


:iagree: My only point is that SHE has control over her weight. It is not always easy BUT blaming it on medicine gives her a bogus reason to do nothing about it.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I agree with Maricha and others who have seen the effect of anti-depressants on weight. I have two friends on anti-depressants. Both eat well and exercise, but have gained a large amount of weight. One eats salads, grilled chicken, no alcohol, etc. Tons of weight gain. Her doctor told her this is very common. She was around 120 lbs. Now she's around 190. She hates it and tries everything to lose it, but the weight hadn't budged.

Now I understand why the OP is upset. I am not saying he has to live with it. I am saying that some here are judging without realizing weight gain and loss are not the same for all. A lot of people assume overweight people are couch potatoes who stuff their mouths all day. Not always so. 

I am about 25-30 lbs overweight. I have always struggled with my weight as an adult. I have lost weight on low carb diets and strict calorie counting; however, since I play sports several days a week, I have to watch it or I will get sick. I am trying to watch my foods and play sports even more to control my weight. I don't want to be overweight and realize I have to do everything possible to control it.

My point is you can't assume people who are overweight are lazy and heavy eaters. I used to assume that myself, but can tell you firsthand it is a struggle for many.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I have conceded that there are some medical conditions that affect weight gain. This, however, is very very rare. I


Its not very rare for those on meds..




> It surely does not account for 1 in 3 people who are obese in the US. I don't even know how the underweight discussion got into the mix.


It got into the mix because MEDS caused me to be unerweight..(just as they can cause you to gain weight MEDS)




> but they are VERY rare.


So medications are very rare?Why was this thread started?


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

LOL way to cut my posts and put words in my mouth. No sweat off my back. 

Here is my challenge to anyone that is overweight. 

1. Weigh yourself in the morning.
2. For two weeks increase your activity. Just be on your feet more. 
3. Eat no more than 1200 measured calories a day
4. Weigh yourself in two weeks at the same time of day.

I guarantee you will have lost weight. Most likely 5 or more pounds.

Anyways, I am done here. I wish the OP the best of luck. There is very little you can say today regarding weight without getting the PC crowd upset.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I think this is officially the point at which the conversation has no point of return - the point at which we start to debate if overweight people are morally inferior because they have less willpower than thin people. Which is not always the case -


Exactly...


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Why was this thread started?


Because his wife is overweight. Your presumption is that it is solely because of medications. My contention is that she could control her weight even on medication. 

The rest I will not address because you are making medication and medical condition synonymous. When you yourself admitted to stopping medication because of its effect on your weight and others have mentioned that there are other SSRI options that actually cause weight loss.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm more interested in the good we eat and whats in it (and whats not in it) than calorie content to be quite frank,,,I can eat a snickers bar for breakfeast with a coke..a snickers bar for lunch with a coke ,and same for dinner..NOT A HUGE AMOUNT of calories but I would be sick..(do that diet for a month)


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> Because his wife is overweight. Your presumption is that it is solely because of medications. My contention is that she could control her weight even on medication.
> 
> The rest I will not address because you are making medication and medical condition synonymous. When you yourself admitted to stopping medication because of its effect on your weight and others have mentioned that there are other SSRI options that actually cause weight loss.


I never ONCE said it was "soley"///Thats a fib.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> The rest I will not address because you are making medication and medical condition synonymous.


:scratchhead:

Normally you aren't precsribed medication without a medical condition..


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Normally you aren't precsribed medication without a medical condition..


so they are synonymous?


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I never ONCE said it was "soley"///Thats a fib.


My apologies... Then you admit it something she can control?


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I'm more interested in the good we eat and whats in it (and whats not in it) than calorie content to be quite frank,,,I can eat a snickers bar for breakfeast with a coke..a snickers bar for lunch with a coke ,and same for dinner..NOT A HUGE AMOUNT of calories but I would be sick..(do that diet for a month)


I like simple. Monitoring calories is simple and effective. Look up the Twinkie diet. It has been done and weight was lost. Not saying it is a healthy or sustainable long term solution but it demonstrates how simple weight loss is.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/index.html


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> My apologies... Then you admit it something she can control?


Not to but in, but sure, she can control it, she can stop taking the anti-depressants and start being depressed again or go to the dr. and get her meds changed, which takes forever to adjust to.

If you think that weight gain is bad for anti-depressants, you should see the weight gain threads for people on steroids on my sarcoidosis forum...Some people have gained 100-150 lbs in a few months being on this med because they have to take high dosages to slow the sarcoid growth down, otherwise they die. Can they control it also?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

I'm have been on anti-depressants for SAD for more than half my life, and I have never experienced weight gain from any that I have taken (5 total). 

Once thing that depressed people do is over-consume sugars -- they are down and feel lethargic and your body naturally craves it as a way to feel more energetic. If you aren't doing anything though, it just turns to fat. 

I would begin with encouraging her to do a food journal -- track what she eats. You'd be surprised how fast calories add up. There are a ton of apps that you can get, or there is this website as well:
The Daily Plate Nutrition, The Daily Plate Calories, Nutritional Facts | LIVESTRONG.COM

You can't hide behind the anti-depressants as being the issue.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

I don't understand why I have to say this again but I will repeat it. 

There are rare medical conditions that can influence weight gain. There are medications that influence weight gain. There are *usually* options or lifestyle changes that can offset the effects of these medications or medical conditions. 

Everyone is focusing on the fringe cases and I am sympathetic to those that are in such positions. It is not the norm. Again 1 in 3 people are obese in this country. People on large doses of steroids for sarcoidosis make up a negligible percentage of those people. People on anit-depressants surely make up a larger percentage. Depression is a funny thing, though, because it can often be controlled with lifestyle changes such as diet and exercise. Of course these are the very things that influence weight gain. 

I am not suggesting that being at the perfect weight takes precedent over depression or any medical condition. I am saying that able bodied people should make health a priority even if it is uncomfortable (diet and exercise).


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> You can't hide behind the anti-depressants as being the issue.


Bravo. 

I too have been on anti-depressants. I have been off of them for 7 years now. You know what changed everything for me? Diet and exercise.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Yellow, apparently you feel you know better than any of us. I presented two friends who both have gained massive amounts of weight from anti depressants. I work for big pharma. It is a very known side effect. It it not rare.

I am glad your body works the way it does. Not everyone's body does. You cannot speak for all people, especially with a known side effect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Yellow, apparently you feel you know better than any of us. I presented two friends who both have gained massive amounts of weight from anti depressants. I work for big pharma. It is a very known side effect. It it not rare.
> 
> I am glad your body works the way it does. Not everyone's body does. You cannot speak for all people, especially with a known side effect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know weight gain in depressed people is not rare. I said it is rare that a person's body is so physiologically different than others that they simply cannot lose weight with proper diet and exercise. Depressed people eat more and move less. These are things that can be controlled. I do not think I am saying anything ground breaking here. I sympathize with depressed people, I have been one. I also don't believe that depressed people are physiologically incapable of maintaining a healthy weight. I also believe that if people treated their depression with diet and exercise there would be more healthy people and less depressed people.

1. I am not disagreeing that medicine can affect weight
2. I am not disagreeing that medical conditions can affect weight.
3. I am contending that there are very very few medical conditions where it is physically not possible to maintain a healthy weight.
4. I am not saying that all people require the same amount of calories or exercise to maintain their weight. 
5. I believe many people have a harder time than others maintaining a healthy weight. I sympathize with these people. 
6. I believe that people/nutritionists/fad diets/exercise regiments complicate the simplicity of weight loss. 


I have strong feelings about the subject. I get frustrated because I think people confuse the subject. I COULD be wrong on EVERYTHING. However, I could be right. I think my points are valid. I realize I am on my own but I think my point of view is important. Why do I think my point of view is important? Because I believe that almost anyone can be healthy and everyone who gets healthy benefits from it. Especially those suffering from depression.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

This is going to sound rude, and please know that I don't mean it as such... But one of the biggest issues with Americans ans obesity is that they make excuses. You have to eat less and move your a$$ 

You know what you can do for her... Do it with her. Don't single her out because she is the overweight one... make lifestyle changes together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> I'm have been on anti-depressants for SAD for more than half my life, and I have never experienced weight gain from any that I have taken (5 total).


Seasonal Affective Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder?




> Once thing that depressed people do is over-consume sugars -- they are down and feel lethargic and your body naturally craves it as a way to feel more energetic. If you aren't doing anything though, it just turns to fat.


IIRC, it's an attempt to boost serotonin. Stuff needs to be actively transported into the brain, and there is limited ability to transport amino acids. When sugar is consumed, insulin levels go up. Insulin clears a lot of amino acids out of the way, but insulin doesn't touch tryptophan. This allows tryptophan to be moved into the brain at a much higher rate where it can be changed into 5-HTP then into serotonin. Don't quote me on that though.




> You can't hide behind the anti-depressants as being the issue.


Depends on the drug. Paxil was so extremely sedating that I was a total zombie for the few days I took it. I would expect to gain weight on that since all I did was lay around all day, burning almost no calories. 
Mirtazapine was a great drug, but it made me eat a lot. I gained about 30 pounds in 1-2 months.


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## Jen2013 (Jan 20, 2013)

To the OP (who I hope has read through to this point)...

Have you ever read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley?

I recommend getting it and reading it with your wife. It's an easy read - he spends one chapter talking about a husband's need, and the next talking about a wife's needs. He identifies 10 needs that people have in marriage, and explains that GENERALLY SPEAKING, men have different needs than women.

One of the needs of men is for their wives to be attractive.

It sounds shallow, but after reading it, I really did gain an understanding of how important it is to my husband for me to look attractive - for him to be proud of being married to me because of my physical appearance.

Most women don't care about that as much as men do, and your wife may not understand that. 

I am sure she is more upset than you are about her weight gain. It is very difficult to eat well and exercise in the best of times with our busy lifestyles, but when one is suffering from depression, just getting through the day can be difficult.

Maybe if she reads this book, she will understand that taking care of her appearance isn't important only for her mental/physical health, but will meet an important need for you in your marriage.

Even being on medication, if she counts her calories and gets moving, she can lose some of that weight.

Good luck - you sound like a great guy who truly loves his wife and I wish you the best.


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## hawkeye (Oct 6, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> This is going to sound rude, and please know that I don't mean it as such... But one of the biggest issues with Americans ans obesity is that they make excuses. You have to eat less and move your a$$


Ugh. We'd be so much better off if we stopped making a million different excuses for overweight people. Most of my college buddies have put on 20-30 pounds since we graduated. I suppose they all have thyroid problems? Or they're all depressed? Or maybe, just maybe, they aren't as active as they used to be and haven't adjusted their calorie intake accordingly. No, that couldn't possibly be it. Like yellowledbet said, the vast majority of overweight people have a simple calories in, calories out problem. They eat too much and sit around too much. Let's stop pretending they all have some condition that just makes it impossible for them to do anything about it.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Maricha75 said:


> Sorry, wrong. My husband started gaining and reduced his intake. He continued to gain. Saw the dietician and she said he needed to INCREASE, based on what he was eating at THAT time. He has lost MAYBE 5 pounds in the last two months... MAYBE. But he DID gain due to the medications. That came straight from the psychiatrist and his physician. It doesn't help that his medications were changed multiple times over the course of 4 years, and he is now on a mix that works (mostly) for his head. So, sorry, some DO gain that much due to the antidepressants.


Absolutely they do. It is too common to wag a finger and say sloth to people with health issues.

Taking certain medications for a decade can wreck your metabolism.

Having thyroid and cortisol disorders does impact your ability to lose.

I eat a very strict raw diet and I never lose anything.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

yellowledbet said:


> LOL way to cut my posts and put words in my mouth. No sweat off my back.
> 
> Here is my challenge to anyone that is overweight.
> 
> ...


lol
I don't eat more than 1200 calories anyway.
My doctor had me reduce to 500 calories for 2 weeks and I lost a whopping 1/2 pound and was sick.

So like I said, if I starve I can lose and no I won't starve.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Tigger said:


> lol
> I don't eat more than 1200 calories anyway.
> My doctor had me reduce to 500 calories for 2 weeks and I lost a whopping 1/2 pound and was sick.
> 
> So like I said, if I starve I can lose and no I won't starve.


OK. Don't starve. There is no way you can be starving and gaining or maintaining weight. The two don't reconcile.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Absolutely they do. It is too common to wag a finger and say sloth to people with health issues.
> 
> Taking certain medications for a decade can wreck your metabolism.
> 
> ...


Good for you. That is my point. Despite health conditions people can take an active role in maintaining their health. Somebody who is gaining the kind of weight that the OP mentioned is surely not monitoring their health.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

yellowledbet said:


> Good for you. That is my point. Despite health conditions people can take an active role in maintaining their health. Somebody who is gaining the kind of weight that the OP mentioned is surely not monitoring their health.


Yet, I am still overweight and judgmental people are going to look at me and think I am gobbling down fast food all day every day.

If I ate the SAD garbage, I would be massive.

I get tired of the rude comments of actions of so called helpful people. really they are just saying I a superior to you because I am thin and you aren't.

I recall being at a luncheon where there were finger foods and I just eat some fruit and raw veggies and ignorant people would comment ooo eating healthy today are we like the rest of the time I am gobbling masses of food while these people ate 2 or 3 sandwiches and 2 desserts and soda but nobody says a word to them because they are thin.

Or lord forbid the one time I ate one cookie, yes just one cookie and I hadn't had a flipping cookie in probably 2 years and as soon as I pick it up, I get dirty looks like ooo that fat cow is having a cookie, no wonder she is fat.

so yeah too bad all those smug people can't gain 100 lbs overnight so I can point and laugh at them for their sloth.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> OK. Don't starve. There is no way you can be starving and gaining or maintaining weight. The two don't reconcile.


I think I need you to clarify this. The reason I say this is because the dietician my husband saw actually told him to INCREASE his intake because the fact that he was eating TOO LITTLE was counterproductive to his weight loss. In other words, his body thought he was starving himself, so it saved all it could. And the dietician said that if he increased, he stood a better chance of losing. Well, that wasn't entirely true either.... but he stopped gaining. Now, he is maintaining, but still is overweight. 



yellowledbet said:


> Good for you. That is my point. Despite health conditions people can take an active role in maintaining their health. *Somebody who is gaining the kind of weight that the OP mentioned is surely not monitoring their health.*


Again, this may be true of the OP's wife, but not entirely true of all who have gained weight while on antidepressants/antipsychotics/other medications. My husband, in the last four years, has been on all sorts of medications of this type. The majority of them had weight gain listed as one of the known side effects. So, I am sorry, but we will have to agree to disagree on this point.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Yet, I am still overweight and judgmental people are going to look at me and think I am gobbling down fast food all day every day.
> 
> If I ate the SAD garbage, I would be massive.
> 
> ...


I really hope my posts are not coming across the way you are describing these people. They are not intended that way. I have said many times that I do believe there are legitimate medical conditions that are game changers. There are skinny people who are terrible people. There are overweight people who are great people. Weight is just a small portion of what a person is. I have been overweight. I have friends, family, cowowrkers who are all overweight. I think no less of them. I just think people should make health a priority. When I say that I don't mean everyone should be 6% body fat. I mean everyone should think carefully about how they can be more active and eat less/better foods. I do have a grudge with the health/nutrition/diet industry that confuses the weight loss issue.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I think I need you to clarify this. The reason I say this is because the dietician my husband saw actually told him to INCREASE his intake because the fact that he was eating TOO LITTLE was counterproductive to his weight loss. In other words, his body thought he *was starving himself*, so it saved all it could. And the dietician said that if he increased, he stood a better chance of losing. Well, that wasn't entirely true either.... but he stopped gaining. Now, he is maintaining, but still is overweight.


I am not a doctor but have read about 'starvation mode' and I just ask you to do your own research.



Maricha75 said:


> Again, this may be true of the OP's wife, but not entirely true of all who have gained weight while on antidepressants/antipsychotics/other medications. My husband, in the last four years, has been on all sorts of medications of this type. The majority of them had weight gain listed as one of the known side effects. So, I am sorry, but we will have to agree to disagree on this point.


Very well. You guys sound to be taking an active role in your health despite your struggles. So I don't think we disagree as much as you think. I wish you and your husband the best.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

When we had our kids I gained a fair amount of weight. Finally my husband said something that turned me around. He said he didn't care how overweight I was as long as I was healthy. He told me he didn't want me to get diabetes or heart disease and urged me to just walk 20 minutes a day. He walked with me. I found out that walking was pleasant, the kids were occupied in the stroller, it gave me some time where I didn't have to wonder what they were getting into. 

Soon the 20 minutes a day turned into 3-5 miles a day. A bit after that it turned into running 5Ks. then as the kids got older it turned into hiking etc. I am never going to be a skinny minny, but everything on me is solid muscle. I love to exercise, I am in great health and he loves the way I look now. last summer my kids and I climbed the Manitou Incline at least once a week...look it up. 

Anyway - if he had made a deal about me not being pretty and skinny it would have backfired on him big time. But hearing him say that he didn't want me to get sick at a young age made it through. I am at the top end of the healthy weight range for my height, but my measurements are good, I am proportional, and with the walking/running etc, I did lose nearly 50 pounds without even changing anything else. I find it incredibly difficult to lose weight through diet because of medications I have to take for PPMD. However, whatever weight I carry is healthy weight.


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## Sigma Uber Alles (Oct 15, 2012)

My sincerest sympathies to anyone whose spouse takes anti-depressants. I am sure that it is done upon the best advice you were given by your doctor, but sadly doctor's agendas these days are not necessarily consistent with patient's wellbeing.

Watch this Depression is NOT a Chemical Imbalance Here is the PROOF !! Pharmaceuticl Conspiracy !! ( - YouTube.

Consider this Drugs or Love? Helen Fisher at WorldFuture 2007 - YouTube

These drugs end relationships. Only intense therapy and qualified patient monitoring accompanying the use of these drugs can avoid this. Most people get the drugs, but no significant therapy or oversight. End of relationship... end of story.

The public is being farmed like sheep by the pharmaceutical companies.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Tigger said:


> so yeah too bad all those smug people can't gain 100 lbs overnight so I can point and laugh at them for their sloth.


You didn't gain 100 lbs overnight either.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

Sigma Uber Alles said:


> My sincerest sympathies to anyone whose spouse takes anti-depressants. I am sure that it is done upon the best advice you were given by your doctor, but sadly doctor's agendas these days are not necessarily consistent with patient's wellbeing.
> 
> Watch this Depression is NOT a Chemical Imbalance Here is the PROOF !! Pharmaceuticl Conspiracy !! ( - YouTube.
> 
> ...


This is a subject that deserves much more research. There is a general misconception in the public that the 'chemical imbalance' theory is proven fact. When, in fact, it is just a hypothesis to prove why antidepressants may work. 

There is also quite a bit of research that suggests that antidepressants are only marginally better than placebos or equal to other methods. These other methods do not include the laundry list of side effects included with antidepressants. 

The drug companies stand to make a ton of money ( I think I recently read 30 billion, don't quote me); therefore, their marketing budgets are much larger than individuals promoting diet, exercise, or talk therapy.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

yellowledbet said:


> This is a subject that deserves much more research. There is a general misconception in the public that the 'chemical imbalance' theory is proven fact. When, in fact, it is just a hypothesis to prove why antidepressants may work.


True. Think of it like being in pain then taking morphine. The morphine makes you feel less pain, and that's a fact, but it didn't really fix the problem. Why are you in pain? Maybe fix that problem and you won't need morphine. It seems like researchers don't really know what causes depression, so fixing the root problem is difficult. Until they figure this out, you're stuck with drugs, vitamins, and diet changes. 




> There is also quite a bit of research that suggests that antidepressants are only marginally better than placebos or equal to other methods. These other methods do not include the laundry list of side effects included with antidepressants.


Newer patented drugs are ****, but older drugs and accidentally discovered drugs are remarkably powerful. This is because of the way drugs are developed. Right now, companies make a drug for a specific purpose like depression, and then try to prove that it works. Sometimes they make drugs that suck and are marginally better than placebo, but they still need to push the drug and recover their investment. Every new drug is marketed as being better than the last, even if the previous drugs were better in every way. 

That's not how old drugs were made. 100 years ago, very little was known about the brain. There was no targeted research. People would make random chemicals then test what they do. Some guy makes amphetamine in his lab, gives it to a healthy person, and that person reports that they feel amazing and have tons of energy. The chemist writes that down - amphetamine makes people happy and have lots of energy. Another guy makes morphine and gives it to a healthy person. That person reports that morphine makes them feel awesome and it's sedating. The chemist writes that down - morphine causes sedation and euphoria. Some drugs were accidental discoveries. MAOIs were the first antidepressants, but they were initially used for tuberculosis. Doctors noticed that patients taking these drugs were unusually happy, so the drugs were eventually used as antidepressants.

Those old drugs like phenelzine and amphetamine don't need hack job research to demonstrate that they sometimes work in some people. If you give amphetamine to a depressed person, they feel better. If you give it to a normal person, they feel better. If you give it to someone who is pain but not depressed, they feel better. If a drug actually works, you don't need to fudge the research, and it's not even close to placebo. 



> The drug companies stand to make a ton of money ( I think I recently read 30 billion, don't quote me); therefore, their marketing budgets are much larger than individuals promoting diet, exercise, or talk therapy.


Drug companies also don't make money from drugs that are off patent. Do you ever see TV commercials for phenelzine, amitriptyline, nortriptyline, or fluoxetine? Why not? Those are time tested antidepressants that work, but there's no money in advertising them. Instead, you hear about some new drug they made that is barely better than placebo. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel because they already made their best discoveries decades ago.

edit:
I just found a video on youtube for Prozac Weekly, so I guess they still market fluoxetine. It's just that it's a special pill design that is patented. If you want the weekly pill, you pay through the nose. If you want the daily pill that is off patent, you get em for $0.25/day at Costco.


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## yellowledbet (Sep 5, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> ...


Thanks for your thorough feedback. I always feel smarter after reading your posts. Great insights


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Yet, I am still overweight and judgmental people are going to look at me and think I am gobbling down fast food all day every day.


This. I know I'm putting myself on the potential roaster for posting this, but - I feel that it might add something to the conversation. I'm not stating what I say below as an excuse or a cop-out, its merely my experience to toss into the mix. 

I am overweight. Just to clarify a few points - no, I am not diabetic, nor do I have high blood pressure. In fact, some times my blood pressure is too low (likely because of my anemia) and they have difficulty taking it with a cuff, and it makes me randomly dizzy. 

I have a thyroid condition for which I take custom compounded medication because I require a hormone strength that isn't sold in standard formulation. And because Synthroid tablets aren't scored, so rather than divide nicely, they crumble if you try and cut them in half. I am also anemic. 

It wasn't my weight (I've been chunky since puberty) that made my doctor realize I had a thyroid problem, nor was it a "go to" excuse for my weight. Indeed, when I was 14, my grandmother and my pediatrician somehow decided it was because I was depressed, and they started me on Zoloft. Which just made me gain more weight. Eventually, when I started to see a GYN, I was 18 and couldn't maintain a regular cycle (going for two weeks, and then not again for 4 months for no discernible reason) and they put me on thyroid medication, and later the seriousness of it became even more apparent when I was 22 and going bald, at which point they increased my dosage. 

However, that was the be all and end all of investigation that any doctor did for a very long time. Any time I had a new symptom or problem crop up - it was written off as being caused either by my thyroid problem or my weight. I had a rash that was so disconcerting the dermatologist biopsied my leg - results: Inconclusive. Her advice - trauma from being too heavy, lose weight. 

Despite regular dental care and brushing, I started to have major dental problems after the birth of my son. I have the following exchange with two different dentists. "Well - it must be all of that soda you are drinking - the constant snacking, its leaving too much sugar on your teeth in between brushing." I explain I work a job that doesn't allow me to stand around and eat all day, I assuredly am not doing that. Further, that I had stopped drinking soda when I was pregnant (the carbonation made me amazingly ill) and hadn't had any for two years. The conclusion: "Well that just can't be true."

I begin to go see a counselor because of some issues, start started with post-partum and then got worse after a really bad car accident I was in a month after my son was born. (Being in the car was giving me panic attacks and flashbacks.) I try various supplements, nothing helps. She suggests changing my birth control, I gain more weight. Eventually I stop seeing her because we reach an impasse (that's a different conversation). At that point, I still feel miserable, I am either raging angry or on the verge of tears most of the time. 

In the end, I decide that the standard medical field has apparently abandoned all hope and interest in discovering what my issue is. I go to see a Holistic Practitioner. She does blood tests, she listens to my symptoms. Her conclusion? I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency , which is contributing both to my dental problems and my depression. I start on supplements. Further, she discovers that I have gluten intolerance which is the cause for my vitamin deficiencies and my anemia. She recommends I get the customized thyroid medication. She tests my hormones, I am absorbing way too much estrogen from my birth control pills, I switch to the Nuvaring. She recommends I go to see her in-practice nutritionist to learn how to cook to deal with my allergies. 

I start to buy more organic food. I cut out corn syrup. I buy more vegetables. And yet, when we go shopping at the local co-op I can see the same stares that Tigger describes from the thin (sometimes dangerously thin) vegan folks. Cashiers and random store workers make comments or roll their eyes when I ask about ingredients I haven't cooked with before. Which - for all I know might be how they treat everyone. But for me, who was still struggling with some mental imbalance, I felt like Carrie. "They are all going to laugh at you." 

Are things perfect now, well - no, I still have a ways to go. But - for the first time in years - I've had two dental checkups this year with no new cavities. I've lost 30 lbs, despite not exercising more (which was difficult when leaving the house was a challenge) - but from the changes in my diet and the change in my birth control. My rash is gone. I've regained enough mentally clarity to stop relying on sugar for my happy feelings, and can start counting calories to further my weight loss. I may need to start seeing a counselor again because I have some of my old feelings coming back, but - that's okay. I can augment my journey with the tools I need. 

What's my conclusion - be your own advocate. Do not inherently trust that your doctor will always have the best advice. Get a second opinion. Get to the bottom of your problems. I agree with others - depression can be a symptom of a large problem, not the cause of the symptoms. And so can weight. You may be overweight, you may be depressed. But did one cause the other? Or did something else cause them both? Request more blood tests. Don't accept anything at face value.

And for others. No, we didn't get there overnight. Yes, we know we are overweight. But things can be more complicated than face value might make apparent. Scorn and commentary isn't going to motivate someone who is overweight, and it certainly isn't going to motivate someone who is overweight and also struggling with depression. 

You want to help a friend? Offer to cook them a healthy meal when their depression makes cooking health for themselves a challenge. Offer to bring them shopping for healthy foods. Convince them to go somewhere, perhaps something that could involve a little light exercise - if you are a lady, offer to take them shopping - at least walking around is doing something. Men - offer to take your buddy golfing (bonus if you don't use a cart.  )

Lead by example, not by condemnation.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I haven't read alot of this thread. I'm more than familiar with the weight argument that I knew would start with the OP's post. And since I'm new I wanted to think about what to say. Without posting my whole history, that is for another thread, I will say this. There are three things a husband can critisize his wife about that is sure to stress her out unlike any other critisisms. The first is her mothering skills, the second is her housekeeping skills, and the third is her looks (her weight in particular) Critisisms (real or percieved) in any of these areas will erode her self-esteem in a blink of an eye. Critisisms of the last two will reflect on the first so those are the most detrimental.

So here's the thing. Life happens. OP's wife never intentionally packed on the weight. It accumulated and lifes other problems surfaced and intensified the bad habits that led to her weight gain. I feel like I can say this with assurity because she is depressed. It is unlikely that she would be depressed solely about her weight. Even if she loses the weight she will have to face the fact that her husband is a little shallow in that respect. Alot of men are, and frankly that's normal and even healthy to a degree. But it was not what she signed up for. She didn't sign up for pressure or guilt or lack of sex. If she still has sexual feelings for her husband he should be flattered that his wife still loves him enough to have sex. Not think he deserves her attraction because he is "hot" or in shape. She may not be in the best shape, but does this absolve the husband from handing out a compliment about her looks? "I like that color on you." Is a nice compliment. No lying required.  "That haircut makes me want to whisper in your ear." "When you get your nails done I can't wait for you to hold my hand." "The scent of your shampoo is intoxicating." "I like that low cut blouse."IMHO, the only way these compliments are lies is if you can not shake the mental "thin" picture. Think beyond what "gorgeous" or "hot" means.
Especially if she chose something she thought he might like? Instead of feeling repulsed by his wife maybe he should take some initiative and create a sexy afternoon for them. Contrary to belief he will not be "encouraging a bad habit". What is sexy does not revolve around a person's weight. Does her skin still shine? Does her smile still light up a room? Does her hair still blow gracefully in the breeze? Can't she still caress him softly and massage his shoulders? Does she still hum under breath without knowing he's listening? How is it that all those sexy things are no longer sexy now that she is overweight? How does his preoccupation with her weight cause more self-conciousness which in turn causes her to not bother with her hair or keeps her from touching him? So far this conversation focuses on what _she _has to do for the marriage to work. She needs to change. IMHO, she will lose the weight as she becomes happier. She will not become happier as she loses weight. Sure if she loses weight she may be happy with the outcome and the accomplishment, which is helpful, but ultimately reinforces the belief that to be happy you have to be thin. For your husband to love you "unconditionally" you must actually meet the condition of being thin. For every step that she takes to "lose weight" she will resent the pressure. For every food she won't be able to eat she will resent the fact that people around her will eat it. How resentment is supposed to breed weightloss I don't know. Plus to battle medication weightgain on top of everything...

I get what the OP is saying, I really do, as my husband has said as much to me. And the wife does bear some obligation to him. He didn't sign up for a overweight wife who has difficulty accomplishing minor task or could mitigate some of her depression by being more healthy. But I think the OP is fooling himself to think that her weightloss will fix everything.  There is a balance on both ends as to what better or worse means. Sometimes "worse" means for the affected spouse. Sometimes worse is for the other spouse. But at all time worse is weathered together. The OP assures her of his love but he is not acting in a loving manner. At least not in a way that she can recognize. He has taken good care of himself and encouraged her to be fit. Now he has to encourage her to be happy and believe in him. It may seem like he is doing all the hard lifting. But that's what you sign up in marriage to do. Men are great at being practical. Now the OP has to translate that into emotions that she can read and feel. 

I wish them luck.


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