# sigh...again?



## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

My wife had an affair two years ago, and I caught all but the physical act. After months of denials, divorce papers filed (by her), etc she finally came clean and it saved our marriage. 
We've had a great time since, and been closer than ever.

Starting to smell something in the air again, I caught her the other day; nothing extreme, just sitting alone and texting when she wasn't expecting me to be around. I won't bore with the details, but I am pretty confident she was "sexting" with someone; I think I know who, and I'm pretty sure they've never actually gotten together (yet).

Now she is in full denial mode again, but it is transparent, and I know I am as right as I was last time. I don't know the full details but something is up.

We have a great friendship, a great sex life, wonderful children and a nice home....but she needs this stuf on the side (she admits to getting a kick from the danger, etc). I can't take the secrets and lies anymore. I've come to the conclusion that she doesn't deserve me anymore...but my children do.

If we divorce, you know what happens...thousand of $ to the lawyers, and I still get 2 weekends a month with my kids.

Any thoughts?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she likes the danger and excitement she's probably just someone that needs a high level of stimulation. Hence you should be consciously doing things with her / to her that are high stimulation experiences. Don't go to the same old resturant. Go rollercoaster riding. Parachuting. Change up the sexual positions. Tie her up yada yada yada.

She may well be just bored.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Atholk said:


> If she likes the danger and excitement she's probably just someone that needs a high level of stimulation. Hence you should be consciously doing things with her / to her that are high stimulation experiences. Don't go to the same old resturant. Go rollercoaster riding. Parachuting. Change up the sexual positions. Tie her up yada yada yada.
> 
> She may well be just bored.


Why he needs to change their normal life only because his wife get's bored of it? She needs help, professional help. Maybe her excitement is only about men, and not sports:scratchhead:


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Not necessarily a lot of dollars to lawyers. You go to a mediator, come to an agreement and then file. So she gets bored? I will wager that she is not bored with your provision and the security you offer. She is a serial cheater. You seem to have come to terms with it. Tell her that you obviously can't trust her anymore and suggest mediation and divorce. Tell her that she is not a fit wife (because a serial cheater isn't).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I agree. Create what she wants inside the marriage. Outside the bedroom and INSIDE the bedroom. 

In this situation - me - I would start with this. 
- take her cell phone drop it on the floor and calmly stomp it
- tell her to go upstairs and get undressed
- be a little edgy, and a little rough - and a lot unpredictable when you follow her up - fear and sex can have an incredible amplifying effect on one another.

There is nothing better than blending "moderate crazy" into a stable situation. Clearly she loves and desires you. Finding non-destructive ways to scare her might be the ticket. 

Clearly affairs/aggressive flirting with other men is toxic - and that needs to stop. But it needs to be replaced with something else for this to all work. 




Atholk said:


> If she likes the danger and excitement she's probably just someone that needs a high level of stimulation. Hence you should be consciously doing things with her / to her that are high stimulation experiences. Don't go to the same old resturant. Go rollercoaster riding. Parachuting. Change up the sexual positions. Tie her up yada yada yada.
> 
> She may well be just bored.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> I agree. Create what she wants inside the marriage. Outside the bedroom and INSIDE the bedroom.
> 
> In this situation - me - I would start with this.
> - take her cell phone drop it on the floor and calmly stomp it
> ...


I would take the cell phone away but stomping it might be a little on the far end of the spectrum. How about when she's texting again, grab the phone, text the OM, F*** off this is my wife, shut the phone off then follow steps 2 & 3 of your plan?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

that wont turn her on... LoL Shes bored with the jones routine. who doesnt get bored with it? doesnt excuse cheating but if u dont get to the bottom of what she needs to keep her on your side of the fence then its not going to stop.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Why he has to do everything to save his marriage and not his wife? If you are bored with your life, let your partner know that.
He said we are getting closer and their relationship is greater than used to be. Is she faking her happiness so her husband will not be able to suspect, and find out about her affair? She needs a wake up call.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Because a large percentage of women have a sexuality that is triggered by a male taking some sort of action with her.

Basically if the husband is too passive, another man can come along and just in essence play with her and she will become interested in the other man.

The solution for the husband is not to withdraw further from her, but to engage her.

He should at least try it before he really does get cheated on and/or gets divorced.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sigh,
I'm sure when you went around the first time, you dicussed boundries and consequences if it ever happeened agian?
If so what were they?

And trust your instincts and if action needs to be taken, take it now. 
We all know the routine, the cheater will b.s. & continue to lie to you untill they get so emotionaly attached to OM, its hard for them to come back.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I really don't think there is a fix for this type of thing in many people. It's like drinking or partying when your in college it's not if you'll do it how much and how hard!

Some people need the "edge" of flirting and role play. Life could be grand they'll still want it. Same thing goes for serial cheating! I know plenty of guys that cheat with no intention of ever leaving there family, wives, or kids.

It's just a "piece of strange" "having some fun" no different than any other form of entertainment. Chat sites, sex sites, you name it all the time! To see these guys around there wifes it's like "Who are you?" polite cordial almost sheepish at times......but behind closed doors it's back to the XXX rated entertainment.

Which leads me to my belief that's what it is. Especially the online stuff it's entertainment. For as many of the "sex talk role playing etc" that come to fruition (something real physical) there are many many more that are just online it's just a fantasy world. I've played WWF on the Iphone and had people make tons of sexual comments chatting.

Like watching porn or reading some sex novel.......

I wish you the best some people seem to need this stuff!!





> MEM11363


What planet are you from? You could introduce 400 sex toys, videos, hang from the rafters, it's not the lack of excitement that makes many stray. It's the need for variety and something new with someone new. You can't recreate the butterflies, anxiety, and nervousness that comes with flirting with someone new. Either online, txt, face to face and the same goes for sex! You can brink the heat it won't compare to something new for a person that is looking for that "edge". My marriage rocks get and I guarantee it's nothing my wife would do that would drive me to being unfaithful. It simply be a want to be with someone new for fun has nothing to do with how great my wife is at home.

To us happilly married folk the emotional bond makes sex that much better.......and adding all the freakiness makes it fresh for 10,20,30 years. 

If I did that to my wife she say "GTFO NOW!!!"


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Thank you all for the feedback.

In our reconciliation, part...well, a lot...of the fun has been being sexually adventurous. I've drawn the line at going to a swingers club or discussing "swapping" with some freinds she has that mentioned they were into it. (Not coincidentally, one of the swappers is the one she texts with. So does she "love" him now, or is he just a convenient other half because he'll get down into this kind of mud with her, and has 0 scruples about marriage, etc.)

I'm convinced that she's just plain addicted to the thrill of flirting, getting away with something, being with someone new, etc.

She's just started counseling, to look into this issue; but in my opinion, that should have been done after the first problem. We've talked about it over and over and she dragged her feet until now.

On one hand, the therapy is what she needs, and maybe it'll help. On the other hand, it seems likely she'll do just enough to get through the immediate difficulty, tell me what I want to hear and then be a time bomb again... ticking down to the next problem.

I keep coming back to the fact that I don't deserve this treatment. However, I know that she'll get the kids, and they don't deserve being exposed to daddy #2 and then the cheating, fall out and break-up with him, then daddy #3....


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## lobokies (Sep 7, 2010)

wow....

doing swinger is far from respecting a marriage. i think you must force her to complete the counseling process until she has a right perspective of a marriage. how could you live your marriage by doing swinger. i disagree of this kind of trend.

well .. wish you the best for this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sigh,
I believe you are right on about "H #2 and H #3, 
See the behavior needs to change. She possibly could move on but the behavior will be the same. I hope she changes her behavior and you both can have a new relationship with each other.
But, it sound like she has an addiction and you both will have a long road ahead of you, or maybe with some compromise from both of you you can move on together.
Good luck and I hope her counseling helps


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You're making one big assumption about the custody. I'd encourage you to get some facts from a lawyer first. 

If you could arrange 50/50 custody, would you leave?

As for her ongoing dishonest behavior - at some point you realize that having a spouse that is chronically lying, and seeking validation from other men, is not worth it. When people cheat there is a "defogging" period, withdraw from the other person and/or processing their guilt where they are not trustable. But after two years of reconciliation, she should be past that. You're not in a marriage, your a f*cking babysitter. 

I, too, disagree with MEM and Atholk (tho they often have fantastic advice), this women gets off on treating you like you're her father and she's a horny teenager. It's not solved thru dominance, it's solved through divorce. She's just not willing to be a partner. I assume you want a woman that is an equal in your marriage.

I got put in that role at one point, and still resent it. Now I'm very aware of any kind of behavior that puts me in a role where I have to "police" my FWW. I didn't get married to be babysit my wife. For me, if she pulled any of that b*ll**** and I would immediately leave.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Update:
At first, my wife flatly denied "sexting" with this person. Now she admits to keeping a secret communication channel with him (IM'ng via her phone) for a few months, and sometimes talking innappropriately on it. She has agreed to counselling for herself, and tells me that she feels that she has a real problem that she wants to fix- for us and for herself.
She tells me she loves me, admits to screwing up, and says she wants to do whatever she can to fix it.

On the other hand, she wants me to show more trust, and she wants to be allowed to continue a friendship with this other man; stating that they never did more than flirt.

I can't help but feel like the "more trust" will only allow larger violations. The guy staying a friend and being a part of our lives is just ridiculous. If he (and she) can't respect simple boundaries...

I don't know what to do. I love my wife, our children, and the life we set out to have; but this is a pattern that some people just can't break. When its good between us, its wonderful; but I don't know that I can ever trust her fully again.

It would hurt so much to end it, only to have her clean up her act in counselling, and re-marry without violating that trust. It also hurts when she lies, and I'll always wonder...

Separation feels like it would just give her license to try out this guy. If it diesn't work, she comes back all tears and apologies. If it does work, then "Kids, meet your new Daddy."

I'm old fashioned regarding marriage, and always told myself I would only ever marry once. I can't stand the thought of seeing my kids only 50% of the time- never mind the possibility of every other weekend. I want so badly to make this work, but realize that it may already be a lost cause...


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Ok, I have a lot of thoughts here for you. 



sigh....again? said:


> Update:
> At first, my wife flatly denied "sexting" with this person. Now she admits to keeping a secret communication channel with him (IM'ng via her phone) for a few months, and sometimes talking innappropriately on it. She has agreed to counselling for herself, and tells me that she feels that she has a real problem that she wants to fix- for us and for herself.
> She tells me she loves me, admits to screwing up, and says she wants to do whatever she can to fix it.


Ok, first off this is a great base to start from. Marriages have been saved from much less than this. She is telling you she loves you, wants to fix it, wants it to work. For comparison my marriage survived and is now thriving and it started from a point of her saying "I'm NOT in love with you anymore, I love him so much, but I'll try to work on it for the kids" (she now can say she loves me so much and things are wonderful, just 9 months down the road in our case). 

The point is you have a strong base to start from here. 



> On the other hand, she wants me to show more trust,


This is what I would say here. Trust is earned. She (like my wife) did a lot to kill it. And she has to understand that she has to earn it back. It is a process. There has to be full disclosure and complete transparency between the two of you. You should each have each others' internet and facebook passwords, access to each others' cell phones, etc, etc. 

Yes she probably does need a little space and not to be smothered, but she also has to accept that it will take time to earn trust back. Incidentally, again as a testimony, I didn't know if I could ever trust my wife again and it has returned. Not completely and not in the same way, but there actually is a strong level of trust between us now. There are still times that I will check her phone/email/facebook, but they are much farther apart than before, and I do feel a lot of trust for her has returned. 



> and she wants to be allowed to continue a friendship with this other man; stating that they never did more than flirt.
> 
> I can't help but feel like the "more trust" will only allow larger violations. The guy staying a friend and being a part of our lives is just ridiculous. If he (and she) can't respect simple boundaries...


Now this one is again something I went through. My wife actually said the same kind of things, that she could be just friends with him and that was something she wanted, blah, blah, blah. 

I will say that this can not be. I made that clear to my wife. It actually took me having some patience for her to come around to this. But do not allow them to remain friends. Insist that the relationship be completely ended. No contact is a must. However, where I would differ with some others on here is there are those who will say "take no steps, you can't go any further until she agrees to this." 

I can just tell you from personal experience in my marriage that I did insist on no contact, and that friendship was unnaceptable. But at the same time I took the positive steps to fix our marriage while doing so, we began taking positive steps together, and we went through some counselling. In fact it was during a week of counselling we went through that really saved our marriage. I can look back and say that week is the turning point in our healing and the crux of what put us on the right path. As we left that week she still was somewhat clinging to the friendship idea but within 2 weeks afterwards she had finally done the 'no contact', and our marriage has never looked back. 

So yes, insist on no contact, make your feelings known, but I would say personally that you can take what she is giving you and build on it. 



> I don't know what to do. I love my wife, our children, and the life we set out to have; but this is a pattern that some people just can't break. When its good between us, its wonderful; but I don't know that I can ever trust her fully again.


Some cheaters can't quit. And some hurt spouses can't ever forgive. I can't tell you what you should do. I can tell you that there is hope, there is a chance for recovery, that it can happen, and that you have in some ways a very strong base for that kind of recovery. I know that for me it was worth the fight and the pain, and we are better today than we ever were before.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sucks when we have to be the affair babysitter and cheating police, but we do that becuase were care about our spouses. With that said there are rules that the wayward spouse follows to have the security, there safe place, the grounded reality of there life. When those rules are broken they should have to pay the fine. Be it there privacy, there independence, even there trust. 
This is just my opinion b/c I did nothing in our marriage for years and now I actually care about what W does and who shes with. So there is appreciation from my wife that I started to care and its not so much a controlling issue on my part.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you talked to her parents about it?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sigh....again? said:


> On the other hand, she wants me to show more trust, and she wants to be allowed to continue a friendship with this other man; stating that they never did more than flirt.


This made me laugh my bleep off. That would be a very big NO to this. No contact anymore, if she wanted to be friends only she would have told you at the very beginning.

Always the same story, they're just a friend, I didn't tell you because you would get upset......Well, I used that line also so I shouldn't say too much.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

This is normal. She doesn't want to give up the feeling she has from his attention.

Realistically, all you can do is state your boundaries: "I would like this marriage work and I will do my utmost, however, you remaining in contact with the OM isn't in the best interest of me or our marriage. Therefore, I need you to cease contact forever, or I cannot continue in this marriage."

I expect she'll reluctantly agree, and feel angry about it for a while. Also she'll likely break no contact a few times. You'll need patience and a firm hand on that one.

Or you can do what some sites advocate, which is to just be the best darn husband in the world and hope that she notices enough to come to her senses. The personal cost to your pride, however, is formidable. And most often that just enables the cake eating - she gets you AND him. Which feeds her ego and self-centered entitlement she feels right now.

Here's a link that may help (from AffairCare's site):

Sample Consequences Letters


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Seeking- I think you meant our other page on No Contact - right? 

Sample No Contact Letters...


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

An update:
I've been trying to work on this with my wife in counselling. I guess I just can't give up that easily. I love my wife, I love my kids...I like my life the way it is- minus the other men.

Tonight she revealed that she "may be in love with" the other man she has been texting. As a part of her therapy, she has agreed to no contact with him for 60 days, though she admits to texting again last week, because "she missed him like crazy".

She still says that she wants to fix us, that she'll do what it takes, etc etc... I'm just really having trouble making up my mind. I can't give up on her and the kids so easily, but I can't go through life babysitting or waiting for the other shoe to fall.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

YOUR BACK!
sorry, what a s**tty up date. This is probably a bad idea, but is she willing to turn in here computer and cell phone. My thinking is take all this tech. stuff away, kind of like an addict or child that has bad grades, take the drug away or the toyes?
At the very least give her a cell with no text option?
Stay stong


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why haven't you taken her phone away?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

sigh....again? said:


> An update:
> I've been trying to work on this with my wife in counselling. I guess I just can't give up that easily. I love my wife, I love my kids...I like my life the way it is- minus the other men.
> 
> Tonight she revealed that she "may be in love with" the other man she has been texting. As a part of her therapy, she has agreed to no contact with him for 60 days, though she admits to texting again last week, because "she missed him like crazy".


I've actually written a lot about this before. She is addicted to the thrill of the "affair-zing." When a person is infatuated, they experience brain chemistry that releases natural amphetamines, so she is just as addicted to the affair as any drug addict. When she says she "missed him like crazy" think of a drug addict going cold turkey--they may make it a day or two, and then the craving for the drug is so strong they just have to have it. Same for her. 

And by the way, it can't be love--just so you know. She may very well feel fluttery feelings, sweaty palms and butterflies in her stomach, but love is commitment, honesty and treating another human being lovingly. Love is ACTIONS not feelings. So what she feels is the thrill of her addiction to the Chemistry of Love. There's actually a psychological name for that too--it's called "limerence." 



> She still says that she wants to fix us, that she'll do what it takes, etc etc... I'm just really having trouble making up my mind. I can't give up on her and the kids so easily, but I can't go through life babysitting or waiting for the other shoe to fall.


First, you wouldn't be giving up on the kids. You have not been unfaithful, and neither have the kids. If she chooses to continue in adultery, she would be the one who leaves the marital home, and you and the children would stay your home, in your beds, in your neighborhood with all your neighbors and friends. Don't even consider letting her take the kids or moving out, because why should your childrens' lives be torn apart and thrown into chaos because mom has the hots for some creep who sexts her? Why should you be separated from your children when YOU are not the one choosing to exit the marital relationship? OH NO--reality lesson #1: if she wants to continue this, SHE leaves, YOU keep the kids, and she will have to pay her own way and her own bills! 

Second, if she's serious, and I am not utterly convinced by her crocodile tears, here are three steps she can do right now and then something you can do: 

1) Agree to NO CONTACT with the Other Man (OM) ever again, EVER. This means she can not "be friends" or ask how he's doing--she has to agree to end all contact with him and send him a No Contact Letter which she writes, and you mail (to be sure it is not "one last love letter"). And if she says "...we already ended it on the phone last night..." that does not count. It must be in writing and you have to see it. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters. 

2) Transparency. Both of you agree to voluntarily allow the other to see your email, cell phone, IM's and chats, texts, and have access to all your accounts and passwords online. This is not only so you can periodically check up on each other, but also so you are both being equally open AND so both of you are showing the other "the true you." You want your wife to see what you truly think, feel, did, said and who you were with just as much as you want to know that info about her. The only way to truly build is to build on honesty and honesty means being transparent and allowing your spouse to see into you. 

3) Commit. Both of you agree to stay dedicated to doing the work that will be necessary to rebuild this--whether that's addressing personal issues, being honest with yourself or your spouse, working on marital issues, or even getting medications. You both agree you will face whatever needs to be done and you agree to not only talk about it but DO IT!

And for you...

Take a vacation ASAP!! This may sound somewhat odd and counter-intuitive, but if your wife is going to go through addiction withdrawals from the affair (and she is) she is going to need two things from you: 1) your time and attention to notice when she might need some support, encouragement or just a kleenex; and 2) some time and attention from you that is positive and "fun." Up to this point, in order to justify her affair, she has somewhat magnified your negative points and magnified the OM's positive. She associates positive feelings and "affair-zing" high with the OM. She associates negative feelings, loneliness, demands (whatever) with you. So if she agrees to 1,2, and 3 above, you take a week off work and be with her during that first week. Spend every moment together, and if you can, leave the cell phone at home and take her on a mini-honeymoon away from the house for a week. You two may not yet be ready for sex, but work on things like holding hands, smiling, going to the amusement park or show or out to dinner. Maybe you two are outdoorsy types so take her to a cabin in the woods and just have fun! Be her friend, and listen to her with friend ears. Comfort her. And help her re-associate the positives in you and get over the "affair-zing" addiction. 

And don't say "I can't take time off" or "We can't afford that." Can you afford to lose half of everything you own? Would you be able to take time off to go to divorce court? FIND a way to get time off and be there for her during that withdrawal week.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

We actually discussed the phone tonight. I told her that if she really wanted to fix things, she needs to take some big steps. I offered the phone as an example- she complianed about how its useful for so many other things, she has her life in it (calendars, etc). Don't like the answer, but there is some truth to it. Discussion not over, just tabled because we needed sleep (which, of course, I can't anyway).

We agreed the biggest step was for her to start being honest with me. Telling me about the feelings for this guy is a start. (She says she loves me, too...she's a trip).

Kinda funny- 2 years ago, when I discovered the first affair and she was denying it, I snapped her phone in two one night. She was swearing that she hadn't been texting anyone, but then powered it off before handing it over, then refused to give the code to open it.

Childish, yes. Boorish and violent- sure, but that's most violent I have ever been (never touched her in anger, etc.), and it was worth it.

Of course, that was the 39.99 special. I ain't snappin' a Droid. If we make up, that'll cost me $300 to replace.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Thanks for the thoughts, Affaircare, and I will see if she can follow that with me.

I note when you say that it can't be love- exactly true. I said the same to her tonight. She claims (and I think I believe) that they have never been alone together or even talked on the phone. All communication has been texting or IM only. 

I can't begin to understand how it can be "Love" based on a year of texts and no meetings. On the other hand, our "Love" is based on a vow before God and 200 of our closest friends; based on 15 years of supporting each other through raising children, getting new jobs, etc etc etc


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

In reality, she was so far having a "texting affair", still not knowing if she was really interested in that man. Fantasies are always crazy, but they're not real. When she was being crazy about a man, it's her FANTASY made her go crazy, not because after they Fxxxed, she missed him. There's a big distance between 2 craziness in 2 different situations. 

It depends on how you view it. As your wife is a very sexy woman, of course her fantasy is crazy and wild. She was telling you the truth that her FANTASY was crazy. She was not telling you that man's D made her crazy. You know the truth is they not yet did it.

It's understandable you're disappointed with her because she hurt you once. 

Most importantly, you know she hasn't cheated on you and you know to whom she texted. She is getting guilty but not yet guilty and now she's seeking for professional help.

She is an advantous and very sexy woman, I guess, she's very good in bed also. When you have a very sexy wife, she's a sex godness in every man's dream. So you want to take care of your wife with a bit more work and care. Of course you don't deserve any unfaithful treatment from your wife. If you really want her gone forever even without an evidence that she'd had sex with other men, nevertheless, everybody would support and respect your decision. However, I think the price is too heavy for her to pay for her fantasies. She is not literally cheating and divorce is a over rated punishment for her fantasies.

As you said on one hand, the therapy is what she needs, and maybe it'll help. You know she does love you and she wanted to repair the marriage with you. So please give the therapist some time to help her before you rush into divorce.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

sigh....again? said:


> Thanks for the thoughts, Affaircare, and I will see if she can follow that with me.
> 
> I note when you say that it can't be love- exactly true. I said the same to her tonight. She claims (and I think I believe) that they have never been alone together or even talked on the phone. All communication has been texting or IM only.
> 
> I can't begin to understand how it can be "Love" based on a year of texts and no meetings. On the other hand, our "Love" is based on a vow before God and 200 of our closest friends; based on 15 years of supporting each other through raising children, getting new jobs, etc etc etc


No, she doesn't love him at all. You're the one she deeply in love with. Please help her cope with her high sexual drive and playfulness.

You don't want to abandon your lovely wife when she's confronting a sexology problem. She needs therapy. It's like when a man has low sexual drive, the wife should divorce him?


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Because a large percentage of women have a sexuality that is triggered by a male taking some sort of action with her.
> 
> Basically if the husband is too passive, another man can come along and just in essence play with her and she will become interested in the other man.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with MEM and Atholk and others who say he has to make some changes. 

Deb- if she needs the excitment and its not there in the marriage, he needs to up the anti, its that simple. He has to be a man about it, or leave. If she has no motivation to stop she wont, no amount of preaching will get through to her. It actually has the opposite effect and it could turn those sexts into sexual encounters.

OP, stop trying to tell her she cant do this or that... she will only want to do it more (she obviously does). Take charge and be that exciting man she is seeking out elsewhere... anything less and she will continue to do what she is doing. You have to decide what you are willing to do here... man up or move on

Sorry to be so blunt, but my husband is somewhat like you and I resorted to cheating as well bc he wouldnt be that which he promised me he would... he actually promised to be sexually more available and not say no to me (it was just to get me to marry him though). Once we married, he stopped being creative and started saying no to every time I initiated. After 9 months of that, I went elsewhere to someone who would. Not saying its right, but when you are clear with your spouse and they deliberately continue to ignore you (more so with a second marriage... first marriages have more leeway, as I would never have cheated on my first husband), if a man comes along that will do those things.... women love manly men, not wimpy limp biscuits.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

I gotta defend myself. 
I'm not perfect, but since the first affair we've had sex at least 3-4 times a week- mostly more. I've brought home "toys", tried new things, pushed limits, etc.
I intiate. I am more agressive than I used to be. 
I said no to going to a swingers club and she's said no to nooners on a work day, everything else we've done and its been great....(oh, and I never set up that camera for simple logistics..I meant to)
I've had a great time. She says she's had a great time. For the most part the sex has been great and very frequent, and as varied as we can get with limited body parts and flexibility.

I've always liked sex- what man doesn't. I've always liked it a lot. We hit a rut earlier in our marriage, but an adult approcahes the partner and discusses. An affair to punish ME for the fact that WE are in a rut is a little lame.

Without growing another limb, there is only so much I can change to try to accomodate. I feel she owes me the change of stopping the BS, and being faithful...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women like her, IMO, get a thrill out of a man who takes chances, takes charge. She likes the thrill. I think you could ramp up the alpha male a little, as in 'I won't remain married if you can't commit to me.' Put some fear in her.


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

Update: 
We've spiralled down and down. Last week, she admitted to having told him she loves him. This just came out, but happened months ago.

I still refuse to call it love, but thats what they are calling it, and it hurts. 

That started some fights, which lead to her sleeping on the couch (her turn!).

She says she doesn't feel anything for me anymore, and doesn't remember when she ever did. Kindy silly when we had some pretty good sex 2 weeks ago for our anniversary.

She's seriously fogged and rewirtting history.

Over this last week, she has slowly detached in day to day communication (ne texts at work, etc), but has been a little more friendly in person. She smiles at me, laughs with me, gives ma a hug, etc. 

I asked her to come back to bed last night and she said "no". She says the friendliness has just been her being civil. She says she still doesn't feel anything, but wants us to stay friendly around the kids...


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

If roles were reversed, he'd be living with relatives right now and we all know it. Why should he be bending over backwards to save his marriage when there is no sign whatsoever of her changing her routine? She's just stringing you along until she can get to the point of leaving on her terms. Don't fall for the okie-doke; get the stepping...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sigh,
Is this the anger talking and is she just trying to piss you off?
Has she found someone else?
Believe me, the trickel truth sucks, but I have been expecting such. Yours my just be plowing off steam. stay calm and keep an eye on her behavior, you'll know the signs.

Me and mine have had some fights since the confrontation, and s**t was said but she hasn't run off. Enless she's using a pay phone!

Good luck


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Are there still pay phones around


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## Infidelity Rage (Nov 20, 2010)

My heart goes out to you. I know you must be so devastated and feeling so defeated. You love your wife, I can tell that. She is completely taking advantage of that and having fun at your expense. 

While you may not want to push it further towards divorce just yet, you may want to show her what reality could be. Maybe from your past committment to the marriage, she doesn't believe you will leave. If you were to say to her that you want a separation or divorce, I wonder what she would say to you. I would play that out for a little while so you can really find out what she is feeling and thinking. 

You know, I can't imagine what it would be like if my cheating husband continued to cheat and then tell me that he felt nothing for me. I don't agree with the responders who are trying to say this is your fault for not being aggressive or exciting enough. You could be the most aggressive and exciting person in the world and she would still cheat. It's not about you...However, what is about you is that this is only a thrill because you are around. Without you around, I bet her relationship with her side dish would fizzle out. 

I wish you so much good luck with this...


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