# infrequent sex makes me want to shut it off



## keiyayo (Jul 13, 2014)

My husband and i have been married for 3 years. Sex was great before marriage but it has been steadily decreased to the point where I call it sexless (once 3-4weeks). It drives me crazy, depressed, humiliated, inconfidence to myself and even angry at him. 
I talked to him about my feelings. He said he is still attracted to me but his back pain and medicine he is taking make him not want sex (he has disk problem) which is totally understandable but It has been bothering me so long and so much that I just feel like I want to shut it off altogether. 
And i did kindof give it up. I try not to think about sex. If i do, i just watch porn and masturbate. The problem is... he would want me once in awhile and It will make me want him and then I have to go through the stress all over again. 
I try really hard not to take it personally but sexless life detach myself from him and make me upset at him. 
We are considering a surgery for him. But it won't be near future. This winter at the ealiest if we get lucky. 
I don't think I can last that long. What should I do? Would shutting it off ever work? 
Thank you in advance.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I can relate to the back pain. I had a herniated disc, I couldn't even stand up. Sex was the LAST thing on my mind.
Get the surgery done, best thing I ever did. I'd do it again if I had to.


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## dave626 (Sep 2, 2012)

I had a herniated disc as well the most painful injury I have experienced I had to have a op. 
Being an ex football play I had broken legs knee ops the lot. 
Sex would be the last thing on his mind 
Until op


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

I ruptured my L4/L5 about 10 years back. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Worst summer of percoset and flexeril ever.

....but I still thought about and wanted intimate time constantly. Even though there was no way I could have endured it sometimes, many times I managed.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I have arthritis in L3,4 and 5 and frequently take the Percocet flexeril combo. I've found it sometimes difficult to orgasm on these meds and though I have a high sex drive, being in pain does tend to subdue the sex drive and or response. However, I've found that when I take the Percocet, being out of pain brings on a killer drive for sex. It's like "ahhhh the pain is gone and I feel so good I want sex bad!"

Is there some way your H can give you orgasms without the kind of movement that would hurt his back? Can you position yourself in such a way so he can use his hands and or mouth to bring you off? He may not be up for penetration but maybe he can endure enough movement to sex you up in other ways?

I bet you he will be happy to try to figure out ways to bring you off if you approach him the right way. If you give him a nice body massage with a happy ending he can certainly return the favor...right?

It may not be exactly what you want but it might be enough to keep you from going crazy.


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## keiyayo (Jul 13, 2014)

Yeah... i'm going to just give it up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

keiyayo said:


> ...I call it sexless (once 3-4weeks). It drives me crazy, depressed, humiliated, inconfidence to myself and even angry at him.
> 
> ....He said he is still attracted to me but his back pain and medicine he is taking make him not want sex (he has disk problem) which is totally understandable but It has been bothering me so long and so much that I just feel like I want to shut it off altogether.
> 
> ...


Read what you have said. Think about what you have written and feel. Now work on changing yourself and your attitudes. 

In my SSM, I learned that it takes two to destroy a marriage and it takes two to save a marriage. I suggest for your sake, that you straighten up your attitudes about marriage, love and sex real soon.

First drop your anger and open your heart to loving him again. Do things for him so he will again feel loved. I can guarantee you that he knows how angry you are at him in regards to the lack of sex because of his back injury. 

I have a question for you if you knew that your husband was angry at you and hated you, wanted to divorce you or was into sexually denying you his body, would you want to sleep with him? (Re read what you posted.) Nope you would not want to have sex with him. Now, think about what he must feel? With the way you treat him (rather look at porn and masturbate than be ready to have sex with him); do you think he should want to have sex with you?

Maybe if you treat him with respect and love he will feel different. Maybe if you make him feel loved and cherished he will start to open up to you. Have you sat down with him and asked him if there are any things he could do without hurting his back that would allow you to have the sex you need? Since masturbation seems to be a big part of your current sex life, can you cuddle up against him and have him bring you off with his hands or a vibrator in a way that won't hurt his back? Must it only be PIV? Explore with him other options that are back-friendly and then after the operation this fall, you just might regain the husband and loving you seem to need.

Good luck to you.


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## Mika_12 (Feb 22, 2015)

keiyayo said:


> Yeah... i'm going to just give it up.


I'm in a similar situation, I know it can be hard at times but not having any sex I feel might cause a loss of closeness. Hopefully if his back improves things will get better. This looks to be a more medical problem then emotional, so try not to let it effect your self esteem.


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## keiyayo (Jul 13, 2014)

Thank you for your time and your suggestion. I really do. 
We had an argument on other issue yesterday. It could have been nothing to fight about but we did because my frustration and anger towards our sex life. I refused any effort to make up. 
After reading your comment and having a nice relaxing day at a beach, we made up. 
I do agree that rejecting him or being angry would not make anything better. It makes worse. I know that. But I'm honestly still lost. 
In general, our relationship is great just except that we have no sex. I take good care of him and we appreciate each other. We express that a lot too. Honestly, that's why i'm still with him even though sexless life is a torture to me. 
he always crash out at night right after kids go to sleep. Mostly because his back pain and medicine wear him out. So I can not even ask him any sexual activity doesn't matter what it is. 
Now it'a to a point that I even feel akward if he touches me altough I still love him a lot.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

keiyayo, under the present circumstances (your husband's herniated disc) would you be satisfied with just oral sex from him? In his condition, PIV (penis in vagina) or intercourse, may simply be too strenuous.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I can't agree with some of the other posts, but everyone is different. I also have bad discs in lower back and neck, on meds for it also. But it never once stopped my sex drive, ever. even when it flares up and I cant walk. In fact it takes my mind off of pain in a nice way. So in that respect I wouldn't buy the fact that he uses that as an excuse. There must be something else to it?


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

Im hoping I am not high jacking the thread



intheory said:


> keiyayo,
> 
> For the past 2-3 years or so, my husband has had back pain, neck pain, headaches. I think it is really bad now, due to abdominal weight gain.
> 
> ...



Oh Hun, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, why did he throw your toy away? Is he at least into cuddling, petting , kissing at least?

You know reading these very sad stories makes me feel good about my marriage and my problem seems so small in comparison with yours.

Is he frustrated?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

keiyayo said:


> he always crash out at night right after kids go to sleep. Mostly because his back pain and medicine wear him out. So I can not even ask him any sexual activity doesn't matter what it is.
> Now it'a to a point that I even feel akward if he touches me altough I still love him a lot.


What about trying something in the morning? Could he use his hands or mouth? Not perfect, but it is some intimacy between full on sex.

I understand your problems, but recognize this is a medical issue. He very likely does not want this any more than you do. Perhaps a counselor or support group to deal with your anger?


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

intheory said:


> I know what it's like having to take care of yourself a lot. My husband hates me using toys and won't use them with me. *The latest one I got; which really helped me a lot - he has thrown it away*, because it is gone from the drawer that I kept it in.


issed:

Oh heck NO!

Girl, he crossed a line.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

For me (if I were the wife), if he threw it away....he'd better more than make up for it.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

You might want to think about the possibility that he may be having a love affair with his pain meds. This is no joke - if he is hooked on those meds and not because he's physically but rather psychologically (like in the brain pleasure center) hooked then I seriously feel for you. This is a fact, if someone you love and has loved you back develops an addiction, nothing and I mean nada nothing can outperform the pleasure rewards from the meds period, full stop end of discussion. About 10% of people have a different type of reaction to narcs - one that trumps anything you can offer physically, emotionally and all that combined. You will always be number 2 importance after the narcs even if he's stopped. It's pretty sad and (no pun intended) 'sobering' to have to come to such realization. 

So, ah rant over let's hope that's not the case :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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