# Porn addiction



## confusedandsick

Hello, I really need some help here. Let me give a bit of history. I have been married to my H for almost two years. We were together for 3 before marrying. I am divorced and he is widowed. His wife was sick for about three years prior to her death. He did not have sex with anyone for those three years. Move forward to about a year ago. I went onto our laptop to order something and when I typed in the address bar a site called the hun came up. Not knowing what it was I clicked on it. It is a porn site. I asked him what it was doing on OUR computer and he said he looks at it periodically. It kind of caught me off guard and I was pissed. I asked him when was the last time he looked at it and he stated the Sunday before. I asked what time and where was I and he said I was in bed asleep. REALLY??? I flipped!! I was home and you felt the need to look at porn?? WTF???? So we had it out. He said he looks at pron atleast once a day if not more. It's just something he has done for years, refer back to the three years of no sex while his wife was dying. But, I said, I am here and very able to have sex and why did he need to look at it. Habit was his response. So, time passes and then I look at our cell bill and we have unlimited data, thank goodness, but his usage was very high. I asked him again, he said he watches it at work. Are you F*^%$#%ing kidding me?? He's 42 grow up. So we had a fight about it. I cannot stand porn. I think it's disgusting and degrading and refues to watch it. I feel like I'm not good enough for him for him to watch it. So I told him that either he stop watching it or he can forget touching me again. Our sex life is very healthy, we have sex 4-5 times a week. When he stopped watching it we had sex 2 times in two months. I asked him what the problem was and if he can't have sex with me unless he watches it then we have a serious problem. His response was, don't laugh becuase it is the lamest excuse, he said "I guess porn is Mental Foreplay and I have to have it." So after 2 months of two times I had had enough. I sent him a text that said "if it takes you watching porn for me to get some then watch it." Nothing else said and our sex life was back to normal. I tried to not think about it because if I do I get physically sick. Literally. SO Saturday he got a new phone and the sales rep was talking to us about data and data plans. She told us the limit and said that we should use the home wifi so it doesnt effect the phone data. We left and my H says, I know he didnt say it to irritate me, we must have a high data plan cuz as much porn as I watch I haven't gone over. OMG, I wanted to puke. Like I said I know he didnt say it to throw it in my face it was just a comment. But I can't get the comment out of my head. Just the thought of him sitting there watching it literally make me want to throw up and he says "I'm a grown man I can do what ever I want. Help. He's not giving it up and I don't want him to touch me knowing he has watched other chicks get boned all day.


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## Hope1964

Don't be so quick to call it addiction. Addicts need to be diagnosed by a professional.

That said, perhaps he should see a professional. If he really can't get it up without the mental imagery, he has a problem, whether it's addiction or not.

And I think it was smart of you not to forbid it, because he'd just move more underground. Have you ever tried watching it with him?


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## Jamison

His response, "I have to have it" sounds like there might be a problem/addiction. Then again it could be an excuse too! 

Was there any discussion prior to getting married about the porn issue? I'm starting to think it needs to be discussed before people marry. If two people aren't on the same page about it, then maybe they don't need to marry. 

Since you do not care for it so much, are willing to give him a ultimatium and stick to it if he doesn't follow through on quitting?

Ask him straight out of he feels he has a problem. If he says he does, tell him you would like to seek couples therapy and you would like to check out a therapist that specializes in porn/sex addiction, then see what he says. If he says he doesn't think he has a problem, then it should be no reason why he can't stop. Unless he is just choosing not to.


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## confusedandsick

So I have tried watching it with him, can not stand it. I think it is degrading and disgusting. In a way I think it's like cheating. Why should he be allowed to look at other chicks privates and it not be called cheating. I have no desire to see other mens stuff either in person or in film. Its private what he and I share in the bedroom is private and I should be enough for him. If I'm not why is he with me? So he makes comments like "you should be happy I watch it I get new ideas and you benefit from it." Really?? My BFF said that the two month spell was either him saying if I cant watch it youre not getting any or he really cannot get it up without it and when I told him to watch it so I could get some then he won. Pisses me off. I dont understand why he has to watch it. He doesnt think he has a problem and again "I'm a grown man, I can do what I want."


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## confusedandsick

Also there was no discussion prior because it never came up. I guess I figured that he was like other men and they like it and will watch it but dont NEED to watch and watch it every day!!


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## Jamison

If he doesn't stop, then what? What are your plans? If he truly has a problem he wont stop until he is ready or something drastic happens, and even that is no guarantee.


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## Blanca

I think he's been pretty clear that he's not going to quit. And if he does you won't get sex. I think you're either going to have to learn to like the stuff or move on.


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## confusedandsick

So yesterday we had an arguement about it. I told him that even though I told him before to watch it I have rethought my decision and unless he can explain to me why he HAS TO watch it every day then I can better cope with it but his answer is "I dont know why I have to watch it it's just soemthing I do." SO..he comes home last night and says to me I can quit watching porn but if I do we will have sex or some sort of sexual relations EVERY NIGHT. Are you f-ing kidding me. He then said "it's not an ultimatum but we will have sex every night if I'm giving up porn." I had told him when I got home last night that I was exhausted and that I was going to bed early. Well, I got the kids to bed at the same time he went in and took a shower. We sit down to watch TV and I fell asleep. He was so mad at me this morning because he said that I fell asleep on purpose and that I knew he wanted to have sex last night. I told him that I told him I was tired and wanted to go to bed early. He said that he will have sex every night. How am I supposed to react to that? Either I give it to him or he has to watch porn. Does anyone else see something wrong with this or is it just me????


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## wiigirl

Jamison said:


> If he doesn't stop, then what? What are your plans? If he truly has a problem he wont stop until he is ready or something drastic happens, and even that is no guarantee.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusedandsick

We had our first appt with a marriage counselor Monday and go back in two weeks. I did not bring up the porn issue on the first visit but I will definitely bring it up at the second. Sex is not something you tell you're spouse you HAVE to do. You do it because you want and it's intimate and personal. Not "we are having it everyday." If it causes problems that I dont want to every day...I don't know. I guess I have the problem that I dont like being told I will have it everyday. My Mom said something funny. She said just lay there, he didnt say you had to be exciting about it. Then see how he feels about it everyday.


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## CallaLily

confusedandsick said:


> Either I give it to him or he has to watch porn. Does anyone else see something wrong with this or is it just me????


Yeah there is something wrong with it. People said they feel like he has a sex addiction. He told you it wasn't an ultimatium but it sounds like it is to me. He told you either porn every night or sex every night, and now he is ticked off because he thinks you purposly fell asleep. He has an issue(s) that need to be addressed.


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## WadeWilson

If you seriously have an issue with it... Leave, other than that, all I see is an otherwise healthy sexual relationship... It sounds like he may be acting childish by fighting with you about it, but your strong views on porn may have him feeling as if you're backing him in a corner...
I also feel, and this is just my opinion, someone who takes that much of an issue against porn when it's bringing no harm to the relationship, is just as unhealthy as when someone uses porn and it has a true negative effect on the relationship...
Decide which is more important... Building a stronger bound... Or... A useless crusade...


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## Hope1964

Stand your ground. He's testing your limits. You need to give him clear consequences and then stick to them. YOU tell HIM how it is, not the other way around.


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## confusedandsick

I thank you all for your comments. I started thinking about it yesterday and had a talk with my bff. Let me tell you a bit about my relationship with my H. He is very controlling. I have a bff that means everything to me. If I had to fly half way around the world because she needed me I would. I used to go out with her atleast 4 times a week. Ever since I have been with my H that has stopped. He says that if youre married you shouldnt want to have other friends and shouldnt want to spend time with any one but your spouse. I tell him that having friends and doing things away from your spouse is healthy. Is it not? Spending 24/7 with your spouse is insane. SO for him to say I shouldnt want to spend time away from him is kind of the way I feel about porn. If youre with someone you say you love and that they mean everything to you and tells you you are sexy and we have a healthy sex life then YOU SHOULDNT WANT to watch porn. That's what I'm here for. Am I wrong to think this way? He tells me what I can and cannot do yet he can do whatever he wants AND tell me that if he cant watch porn we are having sex everyday??? Kindof a double standard.


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## CallaLily

Yes, it is healthy to have friends! 

You need to re-examine your marriage. He is controlling, he has the double standard mentality. He either wants sex everyday or porn everyday. There is no in between or compromise. He is telling you what is ok and not ok etc etc. This is not a healthy marriage.

If you feel you deserve better, then you probably do!


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## Chris Taylor

You mention "controlling" a few times, but isn't that what you are trying to do regarding his watching porn?


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## confusedandsick

Well, we didnt have sex the night before last when he made the "if i'm giving up porn everyday then we WILL have sex everyday" comment. He was pissed about that, but we did last night. Now tonight if we dont i will let you know how well it goes over. When it comes to intimacy I dont appreciate being told when I have to be in the mood. Takes the umph out of it if it becomes a "daily chore."


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## confusedandsick

I see what you're saying about being controlling about his porn but if he wanted to watch it every now and then that's one thing. Everyday?? and for 1-2 hours a day?? And he's not sexually interested in me if he doesn't watch it. It hurts my feelings or makes me feel less attractive to think he wants or NEEDS to see other women naked and having sex every day. I guess I just dont understand the need. I have no desire to see naked men so whats wrong with me that he needs to see naked women other than his wife??


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## CallaLily

There is no real compromise here. However, you did say its one thing if he looked at it once in awhile not all the time. I get that, and think thats fine. So guess there might be some compromise on your end. However for him, there is NO compromise. He either wants to watch porn EVERYDAY or have sex EVERYDAY! People with addictions are like that, they are selfish its all about them and what they want, there is no compromise. I'm not saying 100% for sure he has an addiction but it sure sounds like it, that or he is just a jerk. 

IF he were my husband this is what I would do, and I know everyone is different. I would tell him I would like for him to seek help. If you both are seeking a therapist now, that therapist needs to know up front whats going on. No tip toeing around the issue, its what needs to be dealt with. And I sure wouldn't keep on laying down with a man who has little respect for my feelings and not willing to at least meet me half way. 

If someone isn't willing to at least try, then its time to move on.


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## Jamison

It needs to be brought up in the counseling session. 

You need to tell the counselor what you have told us here. 
Tell them your husband has told you that since you're married you don't need any friends. That he watches porn every single day, and told you if he couldn't watch it every day, you needed to have sex with him everyday etc. 

Also tell the counselor how you don't care for porn. That is your right to feel that way, just as it is someone else's to like it. However, in your husbands case it sounds like he has a problem. 

Let the counselor review this behavior, and maybe they can give you some suggestions.


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## DrunkenH

Maybe I'm just a degenerate, but I really don't see what the big deal is about watching porn, and I truly don't understand the absolute porn hatred I see all over this site.


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## trey69

DrunkenH said:


> Maybe I'm just a degenerate, but I really don't see what the big deal is about watching porn, and I truly don't understand the absolute porn hatred I see all over this site.


Because she stated its EVERYDAY. IMO thats to much, just like drinking everyday, gambling everyday, doing drugs everyday. Its a problem.


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## Chris Taylor

DrunkenH said:


> Maybe I'm just a degenerate, but I really don't see what the big deal is about watching porn, and I truly don't understand the absolute porn hatred I see all over this site.


She said that he isn't interested in her when he watches, and I assume that she means in a sexual way. When it interferes with the marriage in that way, it's a big deal.


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## confusedandsick

The issue is this. It's not porn hatred. I have said to him if her can explain why he has to watch it EVERY DAY maybe I could understand it but when I ask h im he says "It's just something I do." Like I said before I understand watching it every now and then, BUT EVERYDAY and to have to watch it to be sexual interested is a problem. Saying it's "mental foreplay" is a copout. Since he hasn't watched in a week it takes twice as long for him to get into it. He says it's not because he's not watching porn but why else would it be??


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## Hope1964

So he won't admit he has a problem? If he won't do that, there's little you can do for him - just for yourself. Join a CoSA group - it's for co dependants of sex addicts, or go see a CSAT (certified sex addictions therapist) - they're trained to deal with spouses too. There's lots of reading you can do about it as well, and there are groups and websites for those who do not fit the codependent profile as well.


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## age4978

I read your post and I know only too well how upsetting it is to find this out. A year ago I woke up to find my husband watching porn and well, you know what else. I was so upset by that. We did wind up having to go to counseling because he did finally admit to me that it is an addiction that he has. I mean, I always knew he watched porn and all because I had seen the sights on our computer numerous times but I didn't know it was that bad. But, I felt the same way as you. WHY did he feel the need to do that while I was here. It hurt.


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## hlg52111

I am dealing with the same issues. I have known my husband since we were 10 years old we are both now 38. We were friends throughout high school. After high school he married a girl who also went to school with us that he got pregnant and shortly after went into the Navy. He was shipped hundreds of miles away and we soon lost touch. About 4 years ago by coincidence we reunited at his daughters and my friends daughters softball game. He was divorced now, just got out of another relationship about 3 months earlier and said he was just focusing on his children & working. I was also not in a relationship at this time. We said our goodbyes and a few days later he sent me a facebook friend request. I accepted and we exchanged messages for few days then we decided to meet and catch up over dinner. I fell hard for him like I was a kid again. Sex was great and often no complaints having fun catching up with friends I hadnt seen in years. About 3:00 am I woke up and he was on my computer looking at porn. Not what I had expected to see and he quickly closed out the site. No Big deal everyone does it. A few months later I start getting all sorts of pop ups and viruses on the computer and I check the history to see what may of caused it. Its shows a site called meat members. I have a teenage son and his son who also use it and he says it was probably them. Later in the week he asked me to get his bank statement off the desk cause he wrote work related info on it. Plain as day I see on the statement all these charges that have been debited from his account and questioned what they were. He said it must be the flowers he purchased for me online. He had the nerve to lie to me while we are trying to make a home together and raise the kids and I was taking on most of the monetary responsibility of bills rent insurance etc since he was recently laid off. He was spending the money on 5 sites that cost $40 a month each to be taken from his account. He said Oh I will cancel them I didnt realize I was being charged. Who doesnt check their statements and balances. 3 months later he still hadnt cancelled them and we were struggling week to week until my payday. I took it upon myself to log on to these sites and cancel the subscriptions. I put a block on the computer for all adult sites. When he couldnt access that he started to go on facebook and look at the pictures on his exes page and the fake profile porn sites for anything porn related. By this time he was too tired for sex all he would do is sit on the couch as soon as I left for work and look up anything that would get him off. I am at my breaking point and have contacted an attorney to start divorce proceeding. No one should have to deal with the lies and deception of someone like this. I now have to tell my son my parents and friends why I let a man like this come into my life and wasted there money on a wedding.


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## Mavash.

I don't have a problem with porn however 1-2 hours a day is excessive to me. The biggest issue seems to be boredom. He's bored at work so he surfs porn much like many of us here spend 1-2 hours a day on TAM. 

Sadly your husband doesn't see a problem and barring that you're kinda stuck.


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## Dulciean

My husband also seems to have an issue with porn. Anytime I use the i- pad, P.C, i- phone the last site he has been on is porn related at first I thought it was " just one of those things" then it began to impact my self esteem. When we met, I was quite overweight and on a health and fitness regime. I lost 30 kgs over several months and was looking pretty good! I was swimming at the local pools each weekend just up the street from our home, and when I returned I found my husband had been watching porn for hours. This led to me despairing about my appearance. I gave up the exercise etc and gained back 10 kg. now I am so ashamed of myself, and my aging body ( I'm nearly 40 years old) if we wants to keep looking at those gorgeous 20- something's then he can have them. I will not let him ever see me naked or have the lights on during sex. Ever again. I can't enjoy sex in any real or honest way. I fear the porn issue has caused much deeper issues in our marriage, and this breaks my heart. The damage porn can do to a marriage is insidious, deep and probably irreparable.


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## Matt B.

WadeWilson said:


> If you seriously have an issue with it... Leave, other than that, all I see is an otherwise healthy sexual relationship... It sounds like he may be acting childish by fighting with you about it, but your strong views on porn may have him feeling as if you're backing him in a corner...
> I also feel, and this is just my opinion, someone who takes that much of an issue against porn when it's bringing no harm to the relationship, is just as unhealthy as when someone uses porn and it has a true negative effect on the relationship...
> Decide which is more important... Building a stronger bound... Or... A useless crusade...


I totally agree. It is also only my personal opinion, but when reading your first post I felt also that your reaction against porn was exaggerated. 
My wife also found once a porn address in the browser history. She was shocked in the first place, but just because it was so unexpected. We talked about it and what should I say? I said the truth. I am a man! That's it. We like to look at, like to have a glimpse at sexual things, it is just nature. I don't need it though, so that is also why I didn't do it for a very long time. Our sexual live is vivid and we enjoy each other, so no need to watch something. And here is the thing. I guess there is no reason to watch it, because my wife and me enjoy ourselves, so no hormonal overdrive (again, we are men, and we feel this kind of pressure). Sexuality seems to be a huge subject in your H life and when I just try to imagine he was without sex for 3 years, because he is obviously NO cheater(!) it is just understandable that he used some imaginary "help".
But I think that porn is nothing bad at all as long as it is not morally questionable and disturbing and is no addiction(!). But We are adults and when we face suddenly a situation in which we feel like a little child doing something wrong, because our partner is overwhelmed by the new situation, well, I don't think that it is something positive for the relationship either. 
That is just my opinion.


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## Matt B.

Dulciean said:


> My husband also seems to have an issue with porn. Anytime I use the i- pad, P.C, i- phone the last site he has been on is porn related at first I thought it was " just one of those things" then it began to impact my self esteem. When we met, I was quite overweight and on a health and fitness regime. I lost 30 kgs over several months and was looking pretty good! I was swimming at the local pools each weekend just up the street from our home, and when I returned I found my husband had been watching porn for hours. This led to me despairing about my appearance. I gave up the exercise etc and gained back 10 kg. now I am so ashamed of myself, and my aging body ( I'm nearly 40 years old) if we wants to keep looking at those gorgeous 20- something's then he can have them. I will not let him ever see me naked or have the lights on during sex. Ever again. I can't enjoy sex in any real or honest way. I fear the porn issue has caused much deeper issues in our marriage, and this breaks my heart. The damage porn can do to a marriage is insidious, deep and probably irreparable.


I think that it is you who makes this things up! 
Think! You did such a great job loosing 30kg. Who was responsible for it? Or let me ask the way around, for whom did you loose the 30kg? Hm?
If your answer is "I did it because I didn't want to be like I was" then we do understand each other 
It seems to me, that you still enjoy each other, the thing you wanna change now is to keep the light off, because you have an issue with your body. Don't have, your man seems to like you the way you are, he is still enjoying you, isn't he? And btw if you have an issue again, you proofed already once that you can change it. (boxing may help, seriously)


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## polliwanna

I'd like to throw this in the mix. My daughter, married to an enlisted man for 2 1/2 years now. Continually finds charges for porn sites on their credit card bills. She has found where her man has gone onto dating websites and was searching local hookups. And the most recent, she found out that while she was having surgery, he went onto to AM (a website designed exclusively for people wanting to have extramarital sex). Along with this, that same week he purchased more porn sites. And she is still with him!!!!! I ask you ladies, WTF do I tell her? I, along with every one of her friends, have told her repeatedly to leave. So far, no go.


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## waiwera

There is a world of difference (IMO) in looking a porn and joining up to dating sites (especially something as icky as AM).

Your daughter really has 2 choices...live with a cheater or leave the cheater.

Poor girl.... she will no doubt stay until it becomes too painful to stay any longer.

I'm sure knowing she has you and her friends to support her will make that a little less painful when the time comes. 

It must be very distressing as a mother to have to bear witness to their car crash marriage though.


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## Badboy200393

I never though that porn addiction is real, but after reading your story i think i should think about it. But I don't think you shud ask this porn addiction and make sure with some experts & than move on to next step...


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## CallaLily

Its as real as any other addictions out there. Most people don't want to think it could be though for their love for it so much.


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