# Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde



## Natural Lady (Mar 20, 2017)

I have been married for 13 years and had a relationship with my husband for many years before we married. Five years ago I believed I was very lucky to be married to a good, decent husband and father. 7 years ago my husband retired from work, having had a high status job, and suffered a number of personal blows, a house move to another area, for the benefit of our children and also myself, cut him off from the life he had enjoyed and removed work-related status and socialising, he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and his drop in income left us struggling to service credit card debts accrued while he was working. He became bad-tempered and irritable and his constant irritability and a lack of affection made me feel unloved, at the same time I reached menopause, I lost my libido and sex was something I found myself avoiding. My husband complained about this, but in a way that made me feel unsexy. He was also having trouble maintaining an erection and said I wasn’t doing enough to help him. I was cold towards him because of his moodiness and found it difficult to make a first move, or to be as responsive as I was in the past. I tried to explain my need for affection but my husband only saw it as excuses for not wanting sex, and did nothing to change the way he treated me. He could not comprehend how affection mattered to me, although he says he recognises this in retrospect.
I have now learned that for the last five years my husband has had an affair and used sex workers to fulfill the needs I was not meeting, he fell in love with some and even said he wished he were free to marry them, have children with them. Things came to a head when he planned to leave me but he then realised he did not want to, and wanted to rebuild our marriage. 
During those years, when I was ignorant of his behavior, I never stopped loving him deep down, but I did become bitter and resentful and this was obvious to him and he says he saw this as rejection. I am now faced with the awful betrayal and hurt. Initially he admitted to an affair but did not tell me about the sex workers, but I insisted on seeing his phone and when he realised I would discover the truth he confessed. I do believe he has been in a bad place because of other pressures and my lack of desire contributed to his actions, but I am finding it difficult to believe I can ever feel “in love” with him again and question what sort of man behaves in this way, regardless of the pressures he was experiencing. I feel repulsed that he has slept with sex workers who have been in their 20s when he is a retired man.
His present actions and the sacrifices he is now prepared to make for me would indicate he does feel shame and regret (transferring all joint financial assets, our home, to my name only for my security), admitting his behavior to his family, and saying he will stay with me, if I let him, whether or not there is an intimate relationship between us. He swears he never wants to go into the sordid world he has been part of ever again. He has said he would divorce and remarry me if that were possible and would remake vowels in church. He is basically saying he will do whatever it takes and wants a chance to redeem himself to some extent, although he realises he cannot expect forgiveness. He says he believes he can give me some happier times and work to reduce our indebtedness. 
I am on a roller coaster of emotions as I am not sure whether I am married to a Dr Jekyll who became a Mr Hyde in some dark night of the soul, or whether I am married to a Mr Hyde who puts on a good front. I have been thinking about nothing else since these revelations and I am unable to function normally.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

First, go get tested for STD's. All of them. Tell your doctor that your husband has been having (possibly unprotected) sex with sex workers. You need to be tested for everything under the sun. And re-tested at whatever frequency is required to ensure that you've covered the incubation period for all the various viruses. Your husband needs to be tested as well. And re-tested as needed. Do not have unprotected sex with him until both of you are proven to be free of all STD's. That could take months, but so be it. 

Second, you need to believe that this was not your fault. Your husband has been catting around for FIVE YEARS. That's not a mistake or a failure or a lapse. That's making a *choice* - every single day, multiple times per day - to lie to you and cheat on you. For five years. That's not a mistake, it's a way of life that he chose! And, the problems in your marriage seemed to coincide with his beginning to cheat. Perhaps you need to consider that him treating you like a man treats the wife he's cheating on might have contributed as much or more to the problems in your marriage as did your own behavior. It's tough to be excited about sex with a man who refuses to be affectionate and treats you with contempt. 

Third, make sure that before you accept any "generous" offer to have all the assets transferred to your name, that you speak with a highly competent financial advisor. Make sure that you having all the assets won't put you in the position of suddenly being also solely responsible for all the debts. Figure out what your husband's real angle is in wanting to give you everything. It may be that he genuinely wants to protect you. But I wouldn't rely on that without the verification of an objective professional third-party. Your husband has spent the last half-decade being verifiably untrustworthy. Don't take anything he says or does at face value, unless or until he's rebuilt a proven long-term record of honesty. Protect yourself! It's clear he has the proven capacity and willingness to screw you over - emotionally, sexually, even financially.


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## Natural Lady (Mar 20, 2017)

Thank you Rowan. We have both had tests for all STDs which have been negative. His debts are solely in his name. I would be liable if anything happened to him now because they would be repaid from our estate, but if the house is in my name I would be protected. I think exactly as you about the way he has treated me and that is why I am on such a roller-coaster. I cannot believe the man I loved and admired would have done this me and our children. I think I am in a state of shock and 3 months later I am still not much further on. All expressions of sympathy are so very gratefully received.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

NL-
Make sure you keep up with your yearly well women check-up. HPV can lay dormant for a long time. My story is a mirror to yours. I ended up with the higher strain of HPV so I got cancer. My husband paid for sex and also slept with co workers. 

Make no mistake that he will continue this behavior no matter what crap comes out of his mouth.

Allow yourself to grieve, I know how hurt and confused you are. When this all happened with me, my Dad gave me good advice. "No time to cry now, take care of the kids and your business, crying can come later". I ended up divorcing him and moving my kids to another state, which by the way my kids were thrilled with. 

I cried so much I just became numb to the whole thing, that was my coping mechanism. Years later I am a live and going on with my life.

I truly am sorry you are in the position and hope you find your way out. PM if you ever need to talk. 


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling will be of benefit to you. 

Couple's counselling and individual.

Do you want to continue being married to him?


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Does your husband have a moral turpitude clause at his job? 


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I assume you are, like myself, of the age where financial practicality and health become a much larger decision point when considering divorce. You try to envision what the rest of your life will be like in R or D, under less than ideal circumstances. It's a difficult decision; I know.

I'm not trying to disparage other posters' opinions at all, but I think some don't appreciate these age factors when they fire off a post saying "dump the cheater". 

That said, I am concerned whether your husband's remorse is genuine; or whether he's just desperate to save the marriage for his own convenience. More like a business arrangement. I'd be concerned that he says he'd be willing to give up sex with you (even if it's fine with you for now). 

I'd rather hear him say that he's willing to meet your emotional needs and work toward restoring intimacy; so that both of you can work toward rekindling your sex life. If he hadn't recently cheated before, maybe I wouldn't be so concerned; if that's what you both wanted. But you now know what he's capable of. Thus, I don't think a sexless marriage is going to work in the long run. Dr. Jekyll will likely return.

My bottom line advice; despite the short term convenience it may afford; don't consider R with him unless he demonstrates unconditional remorse *and* a total commitment to meeting your needs. And even if he does - take a wait and see approach. 

Sorry you're here.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Counseling is great if he truly comes clean. Mine went to counseling a lied the whole way through, it was all my fault. We were in counseling before I found out the gory details. 


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