# Complete Mess



## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Hello everyone,
I'm looking for advice and insight. Let me explain my situation. My wife and I have been married just over 2 years. She had 3 kids from a seperate relationship and I have 2 from a previous marriage. Around Christmas my parents wanted to take my two kids to lunch since they normally live 8 hours away. I told them I didn't agree with it because it would cause problems but they did it anyways. When my wife found out she was very upset and yelled and cussed me, saying I shouldn't have let them go without her kids as well. Then said that since my parents were coming over the next morning that she was going to take her kids for breakfast and not be there. Naturally, I texted my mom and told her that my wife was angry and wouldn't be there int he morning, I don't know what to do. Well, that backfired as I was trying to have a convo with my mom, because she called my wife and tried to talk to her but my wife refused. She got angry with me and said I betrayed her and went behind her back, though those weren't my intentions. So, she's been angry with me for a month and on top of that work stress, moving and getting custody of her neice to have 4 kids in our house has stressed her out and I've been ignored by her for a month. There has been only twice we've had sex and she rarely shows any affection and stays at work until 8 at night. I recently tried to talk to her and tell her how I needed better communication because it was really breaking us apart and it turned into a very bad arguement. I let it go for a few days, then tried again Monday and the same thing happened. She's one of those people who clams up when she's stressed or there's conflict. I'm a talker and this created a huge mess. I ended up leaving and staying at my parents the last couple of nights to her space and time. We tried talking again last night but then she stopped in the middle of it and ignored me. This drove me crazy all night and I called her this morning telling her she was driving me crazy because I don't know what she wants. I had even given her an ultimatum saying she had until saturday to decide if she wanted to work on our marriage or continue to hold grudges and ignore me. She said she needs a little time and that she's sorry for all of this. I'm not wanting to get a divorce because she is my heart and soul. I realize the stress of what she was doing was making me feel needy and insecure. I'm not sure where to go from here so any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your kids should be your heart and soul.

Is this selifsh person acting like a baby in this sitation in any way good for any of these 6 kids? 

What I would do separate from her, and keep your kids shielded from this type of drama in the future by avoiding getting married.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Sounds like you've had some bad experiences. I'm not wanting to end this because when she's not acting this way, she's amazing. My kids are my heart and soul as well, I was just trying to convey that I still love her very much. She says she loves me too and wants our marriage to work. I just wish i could get her to talk to me. I know I can be overbearing with wanting to talk and it pushes her away, but it's how I cope with things....by talking. She shuts down. I understand everyone is different, and marriage is a work in progress. I want to spend my life with her, and grow old with her and raise all 6 kids to be healthy, normal, amazing adults.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I think that if all the kids were there for Christmas and your wife's kids were left out, then you should have been the one to say that since there are 5 kids, then they all go or none. 

Her kids are now yours and your kids are now hers and that's what a family is. 

I know that her three kids are not your parents grandchildren by birth but it's the right thing to do and the fair thing is all or none.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Aside from the issue of whether to break up the kids, it's time for some book reading:

No More Mr Nice Guy

Married Man Sex Life Primer

Hold On To Your N.U.T.S.

It's time to start leading the family.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

First off, your mom has no obligation to her kids with a different baby daddy. Just like her parents don't have to take your kids along for the ride. If it is your mom's perrogative to spend time with the grandchildren she has known since they were born then that is her right. How dare your wife for making her, and you, feel badly about that. If your mom includes her kids in other activities and doesn't ignore them all the time then what is wrong with grandmom making her bio-grandkids feel special? 

I know you say your wife is your "heart and soul" but all I see is her breaking your heart and sucking the soul out of you. 

And here is what I don't get? How is that a spouse can whine and b*tch and cry and throw tantrums and the other one continues kissing their a$$? What is up with rewarding bad behavior with good behavior? All it does is feed into this victim mentality. 

I really hope her children don't grow up to be entitled little creatures either. Because guess what kids? Life isn't fair. Get used to it.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

What I don't understand is how she managed to take your two kids to lunch without the others after you had already told her not to. How old are these kids? Were they home alone and she just picked them up? The rule in our family is "grandkids are grandkids" I have 3 children from previous relationships and we have 1 together but all of them are treated equally by all of the grandparents. I am still in close contact with my son's family and they have accepted all of the kids into their family, heck, they've even accepted my husband. Family is not determined by blood relation... that is nothing more than a genetic tie.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the other posters, but I'm puzzled about something. You told your parents "no" to the time with your kids, but then "they did it anyway". How does that work? Does your wife have a point that you prioritize other people over her feelings?

How old are all the kids? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

healmetomcruise said:


> I want to spend my life with her, and grow old with her and raise all 6 kids to be healthy, normal, amazing adults.


Not the way things are going...

Have you done MC yet? Sounds like it's going to be required, if she refuses to cooperate.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Here's kind of where my head is at. I understand why she was upset. I should have had her back and never texted my mom. Her 3 kids are with us all of the time, and they are our immediate family. I can't allow anyone to make them feel less than my kids. I understand that situation was for sure my doing. I told my parents "no" because I was at work, they came over to our house anyways and picked them up, her mother watches the kids when we're at work. I also understand everyone processes things differently, but there has to be a level of communication for the marriage to work. I need to allow her time to process because she's not an immediate talker like I am. It's a thing where we both have to understand each other. I also can't just run away when things get hairy, and she can't allow me to either. We have to be able to work our differences out together because without compromise our arguments and disagreements will always be this way. I want to talk to her tonight and say these things, I WANT to be home because I miss our kids and I miss her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're missing my point.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Doesn't seem like an issue to be holding a grudge for over a month.

Hint: there is more in her aresnal that she is equipped with in terms of your wronging her.

I don't know what that may be, but no rational person stays mad for that long over that incident.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> You're missing my point.


Explain what I'm missing. Sometimes I need it spelled out


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A man who leads his family does not allow his wife to stonewall him for a month just because she's holding a grudge. A man who leads his family does not 'ask' to talk. A man who leads his family does not accept that little sex in a month just to punish him. 

Read the books.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have not read other replies yet. 

It sounds to me like your wife wants you to stop making excuses and to be the adult who is responsible for ALL the kids. If you disagreed with your parents taking just your children, then how in the world does your mom "take them anyway?" Bottom line: Because you let her. Your values apparently are to honor mom before your current family. At least, that's how I would see this, and I'd be hella mad, too. 

I would not stop being mad until I knew that you would not allow one set of kids to be treated with favoritism again. As long as you are making excuses and defending yourself, I'd know that I couldn't trust you in this regard. I wouldn't feel safe, because I would recognize that you are really showing me that you WOULD let my children be neglected IF you thought there was a good enough reason.


ETA: Ok, now I read replies and will adjust my response... 

I see that g'ma took the kids from her mom, not from you. Did you take any actions with your mother for her disrespecting what you said? If not, you look weak, which is the same dynamic I am talking about in my original response and it's what I think Turnera is hitting on, too. It's your job to teach your mother boundaries when it comes to your family. 

As far as a month of stonewalling... I do not think this is necessarily the case. You had sex twice, so it's certainly not a complete shutout. What I am thinking at this moment is that you tend to want to talk things to death, while she doesn't. As a talker myself, I had to learn to back off and just let things pan out. If I press too far, it always has a negative outcome. Before I learned to control this well, I found that keeping a journal helped me channel my thoughts and anxieties in a direction that did not impose on my partner's time. This worked very well and it decreased tension noticeably.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'd be mad...for a MONTH? You'd refuse to talk to him? To have sex with him?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I would be resentful until I could feel secure that he'd protect our family, yes.

I don't do well with excuses - especially when it comes to protecting kids.

And she had sex with him twice and has been telling him she wants things to work. I don't think she is completely shutting him out. I think she's being firm in her position, and he will only see her as being not mad when she accepts his excuses, which isn't likely to happen.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Wow. Kathy you've pretty much hit the nail on the head. I am the talker, she isn't. I tend to talk things to death because I want to resolve the problem. I see your view and I'm sure this is her view as well. I can see why she'd be angry for so long, because she has said it's not about them, it's about me. It's amazing how clear the picture became with your response. It's not about us having a conversation with them, it's about me having a conversation with them about how I expect all the kids to be treated. The only reason I understood my parents was because the excuse was, my Dad is getting over cancer and he's had many treatments that leave him tired. He was tired that day. Tell me if this sounds correct: I should have said, if you're tired and can't take them all, then just come over for dinner. 
OR, told them, if you're going to take only 2, you need to sit down with the others and tell them you'll take them to breakfast. Maybe something along those lines, because in that one situation her 3 kids were made to feel less than my 2 because my parents choose only to take them. Regardless of excuse there should have been some making up tot he other kids to let them know they weren't being left out. 
I need to sit down with my parents and explain to them that a blended family is very much a delicate matter. She's protective of her kids as a mother, and I should be just as protective over them as well. Afterall, all 3 call me Daddy. I should treat them like I am exactly that, not a step-dad, a dad. That's why she's been mad for so long, because I haven't stepped up and made that point known. My question is this: Do I do it by myself, or do I do it with her? We're supposed to talk tonight, so I imagine I'll explain how I understand her then go to my parents and explain that this how things are going to be. These kids are all mine, and when everyone is together, no one is to be excluded. The hardest thing about this, is telling my parents that. They're my parents. On the other hand, this is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, and if she's going to ever really believe that I always have her back and our kids best interest in heart, I have to do this. It's not even a have to, it's a want to because I should want to protect these kids.
As far as a journal, I like that idea. Kathy, your response has been extremely enlightening. Thank you so much.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

healmetomcruise said:


> Tell me if this sounds correct: I should have said, if you're tired and can't take them all, then just come over for dinner.
> OR, told them, if you're going to take only 2, you need to sit down with the others and tell them you'll take them to breakfast.


That would have been perfect, yes.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

From her point of view you didn't stand up for your children (which are her children, but that you've basically agreed to care for by marrying her). You then blabbed a private conversation to your mother.

One thing a woman really needs from a marriage is the love, support and protection from her partner, not just for her, but for her children. 

I'm not saying she's right to hold a grudge, but you've let her down badly and she probably can't let go of it because 1) despite all your talking, have you really understood what she's telling you, and 2) you have to earn her trust back.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

No sex? Stays at work until 8 p.m.? Says she needs time?

Hmmm...


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Stand up to your parents.
I'm sorry your father is recovering from cancer, but that is no excuse for poor behavior, recovering from cancer doesn't give you the right to walk all over other people to force your way.
Your first responsibility is to your immediate family, including your (step) children.
Make it right to all of them & your wife by sitting everyone down to tell them that what happened wasn't right & that it will not ever happen again, that to you, they are all your children.
Call your mom & tell her either she accepts all of your children as her grandchildren or she sees none of them.
That's it, no negotiation, it's this way or else.
Then take your wife aside & tell her she has until Friday to get her sh*t together or else you will be seeing a lawyer on Monday. 
Once again, it's this way or else, she needs a wake up call that it's time to deal with this instead of hiding behind her defensiveness.
You don't have to explain what you're going to say to the lawyer, she just needs to know you will see one.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> From her point of view you didn't stand up for your children (which are her children, but that you've basically agreed to care for by marrying her). You then blabbed a private conversation to your mother.
> 
> One thing a woman really needs from a marriage is the love, support and protection from her partner, not just for her, but for her children.
> 
> I'm not saying she's right to hold a grudge, but you've let her down badly and she probably can't let go of it because 1) despite all your talking, have you really understood what she's telling you, and 2) you have to earn her trust back.


This pretty much what it summed up to last night as we talked. I know what I have to do as the husband, protector. I'll be having that convo with my parents tonight. She and I are just taking a few days away from each other for her to reset, but we have no plans on divorce. She knows I fully understand the situation now and I've promised to always just talk instead of blow up. I know it's something I can control because it takes me very little time to recover from those knock down, drag out fights. It's also my duty as the husband to be able to have sensible conversations with my wife about disagreements or misunderstandings. We both know that in marriage, there are always new obstacles to overcome. This one just happened to hit on the most sensitive one, trust. You all have been so extremely helpful and I can't express my gratitude enough to get a different perspective on the situation. It opened my eyes, and made me realize that I was at fault, and she had every right to be resentful and angry and hurt.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you moved out?


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> So you moved out?


no, i'm staying at my parents house tonight to talk to them and just give her some time to reset and clear her head. she's an introvert when it comes to stress and conflict so it makes sense that she'd need some time, right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

healmetomcruise said:


> no, i'm staying at my parents house tonight


I thought you said "a few days." 

Which is it?


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Well, it's tonight for sure. Tomorrow neither of us know about. I'm going back to our house tomorrow because I told her I'm not going to go without seeing the kids more than one night, so I imagine we'll talk again and hopefully both of us will be ready to move forward, especially since I'm talking with my parents tonight to let them know what will be expected of them from now on.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> If your mom includes her kids in other activities and doesn't ignore them all the time then what is wrong with grandmom making her bio-grandkids feel special?


As the non-bio child who grew up in a situation like this, I can tell you what's wrong with it - how it makes the other children feel. It has nothing to do with what the adults feel is right or whether or not the adults should be upset about it. What it establishes to the non-bio children is that they aren't "special" they are different and aren't as loved and wanted. 



> First off, your mom has no obligation to her kids with a different baby daddy.





> I really hope her children don't grow up to be entitled little creatures either. Because guess what kids? Life isn't fair. Get used to it.


If expecting to feel welcome in your own family is being entitled and makes you a "creature" I feel sad for what life has become. And if being shunned as a step-child is what helps you understand life isn't fair, all I can say is ... wonderful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

healmetomcruise said:


> Well, it's tonight for sure. Tomorrow neither of us know about. I'm going back to our house tomorrow because I told her I'm not going to go without seeing the kids more than one night, so I imagine we'll talk again and hopefully both of us will be ready to move forward, especially since I'm talking with my parents tonight to let them know what will be expected of them from now on.


Did you look at any of those books I suggested?


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

The wild thing is, I'm my father's only son but I'm my mother's 3rd. I was 3 when my two half brother's were brought home and from that moment forward I always knew they were given better treatment than me. This all should have sunk in sooner, because when I was a teen we went to counseling as a family and I brought this up which enraged my mother and I could tell my father was being protective of her, but I knew I was right. Up until my middle brother committed suicide two Christmas's ago and my older brother did some crazy stuff that no one in the family has acknowledged his existence, I was always the outsider to my mother but now she's become overly protective of me and stepping back, I can see that she babies my bio-kids when they are with me. Life has a way of being really messed up at times. I'd love to hear some thoughts on how I talk to my parents tonight, though I think once I explain to them her view and my view as the protector of the family they'll understand.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

turnera said:


> Did you look at any of those books I suggested?


I hadn't yet because I was at home last night talking with her and we don't have internet at our new house yet. I was planning on doing an ebay search today.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am a stepmom, husband and I raised his, mine and our. We had full custody of all children. I would have reacted the same way as your wife. I think when the grandparents take the bio children and not the steps it shows favoritism. It was a bad call on your mother's part to think this was okay. First mistake was allowing to happen in the first place, I feel you should have taken a firm stand with your parents. Second mistake was calling your mom to tell her that your wife was mad. Then your mother should not have called your wife. This matter was between you and your wife and you should have handled it with her. And your mom should not have tried to get into something that should have been left between you and your wife.

Best thing you can do is apologize to your wife and truly understand this so it won't happen again. It sounds like possibly your mother is allowed too much and maybe because you don't feel you can say anything to her? That is going to create ALOT more problems if you don't find your voice.

If my husband did this I would have been sleeping in another room and sex would have been out of the question so feel lucky you got lucky twice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> It sounds like possibly your mother is allowed too much and maybe because you don't feel you can say anything to her? That is going to create ALOT more problems if you don't find your voice.


It will. Because I'm betting that, just like most of us, he married his mother. His mother is strong, so he picked a strong woman (and no, this has nothing to do with her being an introvert, more to do with her kicking you out of your own house and you AGREEING).

Reading those books will help him realize he DOES have a voice and there is a way to manage such situations without getting sent to the doghouse, by either of the women in his life.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

AVR, after reading a lot of the replies especially from Kathy I was able to really grasp and understand this. I'll be making my voice heard tonight with my parents and my grandmother. I suspect my grandmother will be the only one who gets angry because she's 82 and an ornery old woman, lol. My wife and I are normally an amazing team, but uncertainty of loyalty allowed this to become a mess. We were one fo those whirlwind romances where we were married 7 months after we started dating so there is a lot of learning going on with each other.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

You asked for suggestions on how to talk with your parents.... 

I'd start with an acknowledgment of how wonderful it is that they care for your children and take an active, loving part in their lives. Then say, "And because I know you care, I want to talk to you about something serious." 

Explain that both you and your wife want ALL the kids to feel special, and that you will expect/require this in the future. Be prepared to answer what consequences might occur if they do not respect your wishes, but I would not put this info out there unless you're asked or if it appears they will not respect your wishes. Emphasize that you will be loyal to your family, which now includes your wife and all five kids, at all times.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

That's right along the lines of what I was thinking in my mind. To let them know, I appreciate them for coming over to spend time with the 3, and also with the 2, but when all 5 are down they need to respectful of the fact that as the protector of my family, no one is excluded. If you want time with just 2, you've got to sit down and explain this to the 3 that you'll be taking them to do something as well. No one can ever feel less than the other again. I also plan on mentioning to my mother that while I appreciate her trying to be protective, it was a very jerk move of me to text her mine and my wife's problem. My big question is, do I ask them to please apologize to my wife and our kids? While I know their intentions were good, their actions said otherwise and feelings were certainly hurt. I feel as the protector, they need to know this from the one's who've hurt them. I apologized to each one personally. Should I expect the same from my parents? I feel like I should.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If they're comfortable with apologizing, great, but this should be up to them. If I was in your shoes, I'd be satisfied with their agreement to abide by your wishes.


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## healmetomcruise (Feb 5, 2014)

Well, the talk went amazingly smooth! Everyone was very understanding and now knows how it will be from now on. I'm going back home tomorrow as I'm giving my wife one last night to mend and get herself right so that when I come home I don't feel neglected while she's getting over all of this. We're going to lunch after I get off work to reconnect with each other and I'll be understanding if her mending takes a little longer as she's said she'll make sure I'm not neglected. I explained we were a whirlwind romance and we're still learning about each other. As long as we have each other's back we'll always over come these obstacles.


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