# Great relationship; bad sex life



## reece_home (Nov 5, 2015)

Hi, I was wondering if I can get the thoughts from anyone in a similar position as me. I’ll provide some background. Im currently in a fantastic marriage. He’s a great friend, good provider, fantastic father, and very good husband in all ways except in the bedroom. I find our sex life, which has never been very good now painfully boring and unfulfilling. Its gotten to the point where I find my sexual frustration is causing me a lot of stress and truthfully, I don’t always like I how I act or sometimes treat my husband. 
Outwardly I think Im pretty typical and somewhat conservative, but inwardly Ive always been a very sexual person. Ive only had four partners in my life including my husband and Ive been lucky to have previously always had a very fulfilling sex life. All my relationships have been long term and I think I just took it for granted that everyone’s sex life was like this or I didn’t realize how much it would impact me to go without great sex. When my husband and I first got together we had been friends for a long time first so things moved pretty quickly and with all his other amazing qualities and the fact that we were so in love I don’t think I really paid that close of attention to deficiencies in our sex life. I can remember from the beginning that things were a bit lacking but I don’t think I ever focused on it or I just assumed we would figure it out. We got pregnant quickly and then twice again in two year increments. During this period and until my youngest was about three my sex drive for the first time in my life was supressed. As anyone who has had children can attest sleep trumps all other desires. I would still masturbate frequently but I had almost no interest in intercourse. 

This started to change a few years ago as we started to have a more normalized schedule and I found my sex drive came back with a passion to at least the level of what it was with the men before I met my husband. The problem is that our sex life wasn’t very good. My husband does try but for a few reasons we just don’t click in the bedroom and while he does perform and I enjoy oral sex what I really end up needing is a good session of intercourse and for whatever reason we just can’t get me there. When I first got married I would never, ever have imagined that sex would be such a big deal to me, or that it would trouble me so much that I would be writing asking for advice. This would just never have entered my mind. Yet I do know find that now my sex drive is off the charts and when my needs aren’t being met I feel out of sorts and something inside me just builds up and makes me a less pleasant person. 

I masturbate frequently, which is great but this does leave me ‘hanging’, and after a while, rather than it satiating me, I just desire even ‘more’. Also, and more troubling, is that I find myself fantasizing regularly now about men who are a ‘little too close to home’, men who we interact with regularly or have let it be known or I ‘just know’ that they would definitely take me to bed if I showed them the least signs of encouragement. Or I fantasize about scenarios that are a little too easy to actually occur (I travel a lot for work and work in an industry dominated by men). I am increasingly guilt ridden after these sessions and it causes me even further stress.

I assume there must be other people who are in a similar great relationship but where your physical needs aren’t being met. How do you handle this, what you do? Obviously Ive never been unfaithful and of course have no plans to but Im disturbed by how I act sometimes and also that I cant stop thinking about these things that do fill me with so much guilt. Id love to hear from any other women in this situation but also men.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What does your husband say when you communicate all of this to him?


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## reece_home (Nov 5, 2015)

Id say the communication between my husband and I is pretty good. On this subject matter its probably fine. I know he's under no illusions about our sex life and how I feel about it, but I'm pretty sensitive to how this might make him feel. So wee dont get into long conversations about it. 
Also as a result of us being such good friends before we became romantically involved he has a pretty solid understanding of what my previous sex life was like. Obviously he'd love it if our sex life was anywhere near similar to this so I'm very careful about what and how I voice my frustrations.

He knows that my drive waned when I was pregnant or the child were very young and he is also at least generally aware that my sex drive is much higher now.

If you are asking me if I communicate the details of my fantasies, or the suggestions that certain men, locally or on the road have made to me then I definitely don't. I don't think this would be helpful at all. 

I don't hide the fact that I masturbate but I don't ever masturbate with a partner. Ive always been like this with all of my partners. Im fine talking about it very openly but Ive just never been comfortable masturbating in front of someone else. I do down play how often I masturbate, and some other details a bit, again to be sensitive to his feelings.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

reece_home said:


> I don't hide the fact that I masturbate but *I don't ever masturbate with a partner.* Ive always been like this with all of my partners. Im fine talking about it very openly but Ive just never been comfortable masturbating in front of someone else. I do down play how often I masturbate, and some other details a bit, again to be sensitive to his feelings.


ummmm.....

This is a big sign that you lack confidence and trust to fully open up sexually to your partner. 

Yes, it can be awkward to masturbate in front of your lover, but you need to get over that!

Open up and demonstrate what you like, that in turn should turn him on and sparks will fly!

Cheers,
Badsanta


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

reece_home said:


> Id say the communication between my husband and I is pretty good. It can't be that good or you would have an improved sex life. On this subject matter its probably fine. It's not fine at all. You are not communicating what you want. I know he's under no illusions about our sex life and how I feel about it, but I'm pretty sensitive to how this might make him feel. What exactly does this mean? He knows he's a lousy lover but he's too sensitive to do anything about it? So wee dont get into long conversations about it. You should be talking hours about it not sweeping it under the rug.
> Also as a result of us being such good friends before we became romantically involved he has a pretty solid understanding of what my previous sex life was like. Obviously he'd love it if our sex life was anywhere near similar to this so I'm very careful about what and how I voice my frustrations. Well, if he would like it to be better, why doesn't he do anything about it? Have you even told him what you want?
> 
> He knows that my drive waned when I was pregnant or the child were very young and he is also at least generally aware that my sex drive is much higher now. He shouldn't be "generally aware" he should be specifically aware. He should know exactly what you are thinking. He can't read your mind... tell him.
> ...



Reece I'm not calling you out here. I'm trying to be honest and helpful. I've been married for almost four decades now. My wife is sweet and loving but she also _tells me exactly what she thinks and what she wants_. It's one of the things I absolutely love about her. I'm a stupid man. I need to be told what to do a lot of the time. Without hesitation my wife has told me "Honey I need for you to do X. Honey I want you to do Y and this is how I want it done. Honey I'd love it if you did Z." Guess what Reece? It didn't take me long to do X,Y and Z. I'm not that stupid.

The key here is loving, honest communication. Tell your husband what you want in a loving, honest way and see how he responds.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
can you be more specific about what doesn't click. Do you think he is doing the wrong things? Is it his attitude - is he lacking passion? Is the mood wrong - one of you wants wild sex the other gentle romantic sex? 

Do you think he enjoys your sex life? Does he know that you don't and does that matter to him?


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. Married 11 years, 3 kids, mid 40s. My husband's sex drive seems to increase every year, and I am struggling to keep up. He wants it all--frequency, multiple orgasms, blow jobs, creative, enthusiastic. And he lets me know when I'm not performing up to this standard. This is not a turn-on. I got so tired of his complaints about frequency that I started keeping track. We had sex 7 times in a 13 day period, he had multiple orgasms each time, and about half those encounters involved a blow job as well as intercourse. Why is this not enough??? I showed him this last week when he was complaining, and he's still furious that I was keeping track. Honestly, I don't have the time or energy for any more. I'm not withholding, I'm really trying to meet him halfway. Is this a low-drive high-drive issue? Should I be working harder? All the complaints and fighting have given me performance anxiety, and I've totally lost touch with my own pleasure and desire. Where do I go from here?


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## Eastcoasting (Apr 21, 2015)

Hey Penguin - we don't want to derail the OP's thread. Start a new thread and we will help ;-)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

reece_home said:


> Id say the communication between my husband and I is pretty good. On this subject matter its probably fine. I know he's under no illusions about our sex life and how I feel about it, but I'm pretty sensitive to how this might make him feel. So wee dont get into long conversations about it.
> Also as a result of us being such good friends before we became romantically involved he has a pretty solid understanding of what my previous sex life was like. Obviously he'd love it if our sex life was anywhere near similar to this so I'm very careful about what and how I voice my frustrations.
> 
> He knows that my drive waned when I was pregnant or the child were very young and he is also at least generally aware that my sex drive is much higher now.
> ...


If you've not told him this...



reece_home said:


> ...I find myself fantasizing regularly now about men who are a ‘little too close to home’, men who we interact with regularly or have let it be known or I ‘just know’ that they would definitely take me to bed if I showed them the least signs of encouragement. Or I fantasize about scenarios that are a little too easy to actually occur (I travel a lot for work and work in an industry dominated by men). I am increasingly guilt ridden after these sessions and it causes me even further stress.


...then you're not being honest enough.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

PenguinCat said:


> Honestly, I don't know what to do anymore. Married 11 years, 3 kids, mid 40s. My husband's sex drive seems to increase every year, and I am struggling to keep up. He wants it all--frequency, multiple orgasms, blow jobs, creative, enthusiastic. And he lets me know when I'm not performing up to this standard. This is not a turn-on. I got so tired of his complaints about frequency that I started keeping track. We had sex 7 times in a 13 day period, he had multiple orgasms each time, and about half those encounters involved a blow job as well as intercourse. Why is this not enough??? I showed him this last week when he was complaining, and he's still furious that I was keeping track. Honestly, I don't have the time or energy for any more. I'm not withholding, I'm really trying to meet him halfway. *Is this a low-drive high-drive issue?* Should I be working harder? All the complaints and fighting have given me performance anxiety, and I've totally lost touch with my own pleasure and desire. Where do I go from here?


Not to encourage a further threadjack, but -- depending on your own drive -- I'd say that this sounds more like a <insert your drive type here>/*EXTREMELY* high drive mismatch.

Has he always been like this?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

OP - you said your sex life was never very good yet you still married him.

I get it. We can't undue the past so let's focus on solutions. This board is full of marriages with sexual mis-matches not to mention the number of massive amounts of people who are "viewing" only & not posting their stories.

I'm not a good example because I'm currently in a marriage with sexual incompatibility & it is very painful for both of us.

I sat my 2 adult daughters down & told them how important sexual compatibility is in a marriage before they marry. It was something they never considered.

Because your husband sounds like a great guy, it does make it hard to possibly hurt his feelings that you are fantasizing about real life other men. It is okay to fantasize but because you are so unhappy to the point of a negative personality change in you, eventually you may cross the line into an affair.

But you CAN prevent an affair before it happens & destroys your wonderful family but you need to take steps, have an action plan. Make it a top priority goal.

Goals without steps/actions are simply dreams. 

Consider coming to this site & sharing your story/asking for advice Step #1.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You haven't really explained what is not happening. Does your husband suffer from ED, premature ejaculation?

Do you initiate only to have him turn you down?


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## reece_home (Nov 5, 2015)

Thanks for all the comments and feedback. I appreciate people taking their time to reply. Its clear to me that I need to provide more information.

BadSanta I see you point about lacking confidence when I won’t masturbate, and I certainly admit I might be wrong about this, but I don’t this that is it. I have masturbated in front of my partners in the past, including my husband. Ive also done a lot of other things which you probably wouldn’t expect from someone lacking confidence. I feel like Im very comfortable with my sexuality and very uninhibited. So its not that I wont masturbate, I just don’t like to. Ive tried and what I normally enjoy just isn’t very good for me. Also, he obviously knows that I fantasize when I masturbate (who doenst) I just don’t provide some of the details to him that I put in my first post. 

When I reflect on what is that just doesn’t click in the bedroom, I think it a combination of factors. My husband is a terrific man and he is also a very passionate and loving man. In the bedroom I think it would be fair to describe him as romantic and ‘traditional’ or conservative. Ive found that I like to be spontaneous, adventurous and even risqué. I do like it a bit aggressive at times and to be ‘taken’ sexually. I could describe this further but I would be at risk of being offside what is appropriate on this web site. My husband likes to make love to me (which I love sometimes too) but sometimes I just need to be ****ed. My husband is fully aware of this and has tried at times and it might change a bit for a while but I just feel now that this is like trying to put a round peg in a square hole.

There is also the physical side of what excites me. My husband is definitely the best looking man Ive had a relationship with. He’s very attractive, however what for me excites me more when Im in bed is more a man’s build. I really enjoy a man who has great muscular definition. He doesn’t have to be very big but I love it when he’s ripped (who wouldn’t). My husband was never very defined but he wasn’t overweight either when we first got together. He’s now got a combination of not being very muscular and a little overweight, which I don’t love. There is also a physical attribute or two that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm, but unlike his build, this is something that he cant change so I try not to dwell too much on it. 

I would describe my husbands drive as pretty normal, I think. My drive oscillates but based on what Ive read or conversations Id say its high. So I don’t think this is our problem its more what I described above. He definitely doesn’t have ED. He does ejaculate quickly but I think that’s partly my fault. I encourage him to get his satisfaction when he can and don’t mind if he finishes quickly. This leaves us more time to share intimacy together which I prefer to the pure physical part. I do ensure that we almost always take time to connect as a couple, even if the physical side of it isn’t very satisfying I (we) use it as a way to bond.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that's a great post reece. now we understand the problems a lot better i think.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

reece_home said:


> My husband is a terrific man and he is also a very passionate and loving man. In the bedroom I think it would be fair to describe him as romantic and ‘traditional’ or conservative.
> 
> There is also the physical side of what excites me. He’s now got a combination of not being very muscular and a little overweight, which I don’t love. There is also a physical attribute or two that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm, but unlike his build, this is something that he cant change so I try not to dwell too much on it.


What it sounds like youre saying, but trying not say, is your husband is not turning you on, even to the point that you simply what him to finish. I wonder, despite your contention that he's the best looking man you've been with, his body, as opposed to his technique and pecker size (you keep dancing around) is a turn off?
I've always been lucky enough to have a "ripped" physique and even in my mid sixties is way better than the average 40-45 year old male. I've been accused a lot on being hung even though I'm well within the bell curve. Maybe the "physical attribute" thats important to you that he cant change is your perception because the rest of his body turns you off. Why don't you just come right out and say it?


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

It seems like you are wrestling with the reality that your perfect husband may not be your perfect lover (life is cruel ) ... and that your current routine is not working for you or him so you need to find a way to inject some fresh energy that works for both of you. One idea is to try phone sex when you are away on your next trip - this would bridge the gap with your not enjoying masturbating in front of him and there is something devlishly exciting about getting each other off over the phone where you may be more comfortable opening up and sharing your naughty sides with each other in a way that can carry over when you are together. On the other end of the spectrum, this may sound crazy but try a sex fast for a month. Take sex completely off the table and see what happens. Would be interesting to see how you are able to control your sexual energy and what it does to his. You will learn a lot about yourselves and the strength of your relationship outside the bedroom and it could give you a framework to reshape how you approach being sexual together when you start up again.


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## reece_home (Nov 5, 2015)

GoodFunLife, thanks for the reply. I like your ideas. Phone sex can be a lot of fun. As I mentioned I still masturbate a lot. And its great, but its still not enough for. Adding the phone sex sounds fun. Ive done this before in a another relationship when I was also traveling a lot. Maybe, hubby might actually get into this. Probably not to the extent that I would like but lets start with baby steps. 
A sex fast? Are you talking about intercourse? This wouldn't be very hard for me. All sexual activity including masturbation? That's tougher. Ive always done solo a lot even when Ive had access to great sex on a daily basis. I cant remember that last time I went for a long period of time without masturbating. I'm certainly to consider this, but it would take a real effort. Maybe I'll start with a week rather than a month. LOL. 
I know I need to do something. I'm don't happy with the way things are but I know I would never cheat or anything stupid like that. I'm really just looking for a sexual outlet that I can access and not feel guilty about (an outlet that I shouldn't feel guilty about, not just something that I rationalize in my mind). The other idea that someone suggested to me in a private message is tp use erotica or pornography. Ive enjoyed both in the past but Ive never used either to any great extent. Maybe this is another way me to meet my needs.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

reece_home said:


> There is also a physical attribute or two that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm, but unlike his build, this is something that he cant change so I try not to dwell too much on it.


What are you saying? Is his crank too small? Not long enough? Not thick enough? Not curved the right way?

Might as well be direct about it.

Regarding the physique issue, if your desire is to have your husband ripped, i.e. somewhere around 10 - 15% body fat or maybe lower, do you put your money where your mouth is? Are you highly fit? Do you look like a crossfit model or have you worked on a body that makes your husband go wild? 

I apologize if you take me as too direct, but if you're throwing it out there I hope you're backing it up on your end.


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## Lonely&frustrated (Jan 27, 2013)

reece_home-
Your have a very high sex drive and hubby isn't able to keep up with it. You are not getting what you want from him and you are starting to resent him. Yet you masturbate all the time and don't allow any pressure to build up for you or your husband and let HIM be the one to fulfill your needs. If he felt like he wasn't in competition with you taking care of yourself he may try to please you more. He probably lacks a lot of self esteem. Our men need to be wanted and fulfilled as well. If you go a week or two without any touching you may go bat **** crazy on him, ya both may have some great "****ing"


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I agree with the others that if your H is willing to have sex but not great in bed then you need to masturbate less not more. So that you are horny as h3!! and desperate for touch before you guys get started.

And your H needs to hit the gym and get ripped. If he isn't wiling to make that investment of time and effort then you should think about divorce. Because this is likely to get worse over time. And while he may never get to look like Arnold / the Rock he can get more ripped and have more stamina and you need that from him. He can't do anything about his penis size but he can do something about his fitness. If he wants to stop feeling inadequate he has to make an effort to get better. If he doesn't, no one to blame but himself for what happens next.

Finally, "I would never cheat" is a very dangerous thought to allow yourself. Better to fear you might. If you fear you might then you will be on the lookout and prepared to deal with temptation when it arises. If you convince yourself you never would cheat then you won't think to turn around when you are safely far away from temptation and by the time you realize which road you are on you might be deep in the wood on a narrow road with rock walls on both sides and no room to turn around.


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## GoodFunLife (Apr 24, 2015)

reece_home - Do you believe your husband's sex drive is healthy and he is capable of pleasing you sexually? If yes and you are just out of synch/in a rut, then phone sex is worth a try to jumpstart things where you can pull him into your world of a different type of sexual energy without him feeling any shame or performance anxiety. The problem however is that you would likely be leading this and until he starts leading your sexual relationship, you will not be getting the kind of pleasure you are looking for. Which is why the sex fast may be a better idea if you believe your relationship is really solid outside the bedroom and you just want/need better sex. You will both be surprised by what unfolds and what you are able to talk about openly without the backdrop of sex hanging over your heads. Spoken from experience  And yes I would suggest taking masturbation off the table as well so you both can channel all of your sexual energy toward one another.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Testosterone, Viagra, wine and a conversation.
I know I am repeating myself too much, but this combo turned me from being just like your husband to more than I thought I could ever be.
However, I am older 53, so take that into consideration for your husband.
The testosterone just pushed me over the edge. I wanted to be more aggressive, etc. but I just didn't have the courage and drive in me. The Viagra will obviously make him harder, but also let him go longer.
The wine speaks for itself 

Just something to consider.


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## nodeal (Nov 11, 2015)

Whoa, middle aged women like to be railed hard by guys with big units and 6 pack abs? Who knew? 

Seriously, this post should be standard reading for every guy who complains about his marriage. While you can't get yourself a bigger Johnson, you can take control of your physique and attitude. 

The problem is that you can't really tell him this. He's got to find it out and internalize it on his own.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

nodeal said:


> Whoa, middle aged women like to be railed hard by guys with big units and 6 pack abs? Who knew?
> 
> Seriously, this post should be standard reading for every guy who complains about his marriage. While you can't get yourself a bigger Johnson, you can take control of your physique and attitude.
> 
> The problem is that you can't really tell him this. He's got to find it out and internalize it on his own.


Of course there has to be a level of reasonable expectation on both their parts too. If they have children together and the demands of a family plus work, then physique improvements will need to progress given the realities of life. Improved muscle tone and muscle growth plus lower body fat levels are all achievable, but don't expect the guy to look like a fitness model either.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does your husband work out?

Does he have time to work out?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Her husband needs to work on this more than anything else.










Once he has himself 'fixed', then he can rock her world sexually by stimulating this for her - the most important component to awesome sex.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP.... You are getting some great advice here. As someone who was in a sexually mismatched marriage, I can certainly empathize. When your partner doesn't turn you on, doesn't float your boat, lacking chemistry, attraction, etc. it is a hopeless feeling indeed.

Two suggestions. 

1. Find some porn that is EXACTLY the kind of sex you want to be having. Do you want to be "rag-dolled"? Do you want him to dominate you? Spank you? Growl and talk dirty? Pound the day lights out of you vs. "making love"? Find a video clip of exactly what you want and then have him watch it.

2. Consider going to a qualified sex therapist together so you can fix this. It may not have ever occurred to your husband that he is too passive in bed, and he may not have a clue how to go about becoming more aggressive. A sex therapist will give you "homework" and hopefully a new skill set for him.

_*On a separate note, I'm especially enjoying the men's comments in this thread. So far, the male anatomy has been referred to as:
1. pecker
2. penis
3. crank
4. Johnson_

:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

reece_home said:


> My husband is a terrific man and he is also a very passionate and loving man. In the bedroom I think it would be fair to describe him as romantic and ‘traditional’ or conservative. Ive found that I like to be spontaneous, adventurous and even risqué. I do like it a bit aggressive at times and to be ‘taken’ sexually. I could describe this further but I would be at risk of being offside what is appropriate on this web site. My husband likes to make love to me (which I love sometimes too) but sometimes I just need to be ****ed. My husband is fully aware of this and has tried at times and it might change a bit for a while but I just feel now that this is like trying to put a round peg in a square hole.
> 
> There is also the physical side of what excites me. My husband is definitely the best looking man Ive had a relationship with. He’s very attractive, however what for me excites me more when Im in bed is more a man’s build. I really enjoy a man who has great muscular definition. He doesn’t have to be very big but I love it when he’s ripped (who wouldn’t). My husband was never very defined but he wasn’t overweight either when we first got together. He’s now got a combination of not being very muscular and a little overweight, which I don’t love. There is also a physical attribute or two that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm, but unlike his build, this is something that he cant change so I try not to dwell too much on it.


So you're looking for an "alpha" male type... and that just ain't your hubby. That's pretty common from what I've heard out of women's mouths. My ex-wife was the same. I was the sweetest, funniest guy out there... but I just couldn't become an animal with her. The drive just wasn't there for me. She needed that and found it (affair).

Now that I've moved on in life and have a new LTR, I am the most "alpha" I've ever been and quite often have spontaneous crazy sex that borders on insane. I also look better than I ever have.

So, in the sense that he's just not doing it for you... you're probably just not doing it for him, either. Barring any kind of physical problem, all men have that animalistic drive in them.. it just takes the right person to bring it out.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> _*On a separate note, I'm especially enjoying the men's comments in this thread. So far, the male anatomy has been referred to as:
> 1. pecker
> 2. penis
> 3. crank
> ...


Unit.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dadstartingover.com said:


> So you're looking for an "alpha" male type... and that just ain't your hubby. That's pretty common from what I've heard out of women's mouths. My ex-wife was the same. I was the sweetest, funniest guy out there... but I just couldn't become an animal with her. The drive just wasn't there for me. She needed that and found it (affair).
> 
> *Now that I've moved on in life and have a new LTR, I am the most "alpha" I've ever been and quite often have spontaneous crazy sex that borders on insane. I also look better than I ever have.*
> 
> So, in the sense that he's just not doing it for you... you're probably just not doing it for him, either. Barring any kind of physical problem, all men have that animalistic drive in them.. it just takes the right person to bring it out.


Not singling you out, but that is pretty sad. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Why?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

meat stick


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

reece_home said:


> *There is also a physical attribute or two that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm*, but unlike his build, *this is something that he cant change* so I try not to dwell too much on it.


Hmm.

Precisely how did you arrive at this determination?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Not singling you out, but that is pretty sad. Sometimes people have to learn the hard way. Why?


What is sad? That we don't realize the sexual mismatch while we're married? People just get comfortable and complacent. Men more so, in my estimation. If everything is working fine, the bills are paid, kids are healthy... all is well! Takes a big person to say "Yeah, I'm willing to rock the boat and get this ship back on course, or I will just leave to find something better". Some of us take the easy way out and go bang other people and get caught.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dadstartingover.com said:


> What is sad? That we don't realize the sexual mismatch while we're married? People just get comfortable and complacent. Men more so, in my estimation. If everything is working fine, the bills are paid, kids are healthy... all is well! Takes a big person to say "Yeah, I'm willing to rock the boat and get this ship back on course, or I will just leave to find something better". Some of us take the easy way out and go bang other people and get caught.


Unless I'm mistaken, you became what your XWW wanted from you sexually, but it took infidelity and divorce for it to happen.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

We're different with each person we're with. Some are more responsive to dominance and alpha behavior. Some resist it even if they want it. It only clicks with certain combinations.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Unless I'm mistaken, you became what your XWW wanted from you sexually, but it took infidelity and divorce for it to happen.


Well, sure. That's typical. But therein lies the rub. You eventually wake up and do the hard work and all that's necessary to make all those changes... But, you don't do it for THEM. You do it for YOU. In fact now that I've reached that level I look at my ex and say "What in the HELL was I thinking being with HER?!" It's amazing what attention and sex from younger, hotter women can do to a man. :grin2:

So, she wanted somebody more "alpha". I couldn't get to that level with HER. She cheated. Found her alpha male. I had to start over and discovered that lo and behold... I DO have some alpha male in me. A lot, actually. Just not with HER.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

reece_home said:


> In the bedroom I think it would be fair to describe him as romantic and ‘traditional’ or conservative. Ive found that I like to be spontaneous, adventurous and even risqué. I do like it a bit aggressive at times and to be ‘taken’ sexually. I could describe this further but I would be at risk of being offside what is appropriate on this web site. *My husband likes to make love to me (which I love sometimes too) but sometimes I just need to be ****ed. My husband is fully aware of this and has tried at times and it might change a bit for a while* but I just feel now that this is like trying to put a round peg in a square hole.


Here it seems that you're saying you want his inner dominant passionate animal more regularly; but his typical approach to sex is kind of passive, relaxed, maybe even too methodical and predictable. 




> There is also the physical side of what excites me. My husband is definitely the best looking man Ive had a relationship with. He’s very attractive, however what for me excites me more when Im in bed is more a man’s build. *I really enjoy a man who has great muscular definition.* He doesn’t have to be very big but I love it when he’s ripped (who wouldn’t). My husband was never very defined but he wasn’t overweight either when we first got together. *He’s now got a combination of not being very muscular and a little overweight,* which I don’t love. There is also a *physical attribute or two *that I have learned really excite me and which, I have now learned, *is important for me to be able to reach an orgasm*, but unlike his build, this is something that he cant change so I try not to dwell too much on it.


Here you are saying you want a lover who has more defined muscles and less fat. Your H has gained weight and lost muscle tone. This can be fixed but only if you very clearly tell him how important this is in order for HIM to remain attractive to you.

You also seem to be saying his penis isn't the size you want. Unless your husband has a very small penis, in girth and length, if he loses some weight his penis will be bigger. Extra weight increases the amount of fat in the belly and this extends down to his pubic region which pushes that tissue outward, thus causing a portion of his penile tissue submerged into that fat tissue. 

Another alternative is to get a dildo that is the size you want. The advantages to bringing insertables toys into your partnered sex life is that they stay hard as long as you need/want them to. Aside from that, it is extremely exciting for him to watch you using the insertable prior to intercourse. It is also extremely erotic and exciting to invite him to use those toys on you. 
I recommend this model. 
Fun Factory SHAREVIBE Vibrating Silicone Couples Dildo - Pink
Or this one:
Lelo Soraya Vibrator


My H and I use that during our sex sessions occasionally, as well as solo play. Sometimes I use it on me while he watches and sometimes he uses it on me and then bangs the sh!t out of me. If you're looking for that animal beastie kind of passion, adding this kind of toy will undoubtedly bring it out in him, particularly if he knows (because you've told him so) that's what you want from him. 

The vocalizations that occur necestate that we have enough privacy, and with kids and others in the house it's not too often, unfortunately. Our teenaged daughter has requested we "keep it down" so she isn't creeped out while trying to fall asleep. 

Your husband may be a tad inhibited about bringing the beast to bed. You're his wife, the mother of his children, he loves you and has been taught to always always be gentle, kind and respectful. But you're asking for that gentle kind and respectful husband to take a hike so you can get dominated, tamed and thoroughly fvcked by the beast. I get it, lots and lots of women also want this and it's great that you're not inhibited in seeking what turns you on, if you don't ask for it you're not going to get it.



> I would describe my husbands drive as pretty normal, I think. My drive oscillates but based on what Ive read or conversations Id say its high. So I don’t think this is our problem its more what I described above. He definitely doesn’t have ED. He does ejaculate quickly but I think that’s partly my fault.* I encourage him to get his satisfaction when he can and don’t mind if he finishes quickly. This leaves us more time to share intimacy together which I prefer to the pure physical part. I do ensure that we almost always take time to connect as a couple, even if the physical side of it isn’t very satisfying I (we) use it as a way to bond*.



Here you admit that you routinely shoot yourself in the foot by making your husband believe something that isn't true. If you were satisfied and sated by gentle sex that ends too quickly you wouldn't be feeling this urge to get some strange while on road trips.


Stop being a coward! You're at a milestone turning point and if you continue to shoot yourself in the foot you will end up destroying your marriage.

Buy the toy I linked above. Tell your husband you need more passion, more sexual dominance, in a regular basis. Admit to your husband you've been fantasizing about other men because you feel like your sex life lacks passion. 

Start by using the toy at a time when he can walk in on you. Ask him if he wants to watch or help you out by taking over with the toy until you've had a few orgasms.

You can also help him bring his A game by teasing him. You can tell him that you've brought your toy on this road trip. Tell him when you get home you expect the beast to take you several times. You can tell him he needs to leave his scent on you before your road trip. You can tease him by fondling him when sex can't happen, you're making dinner or something. Tease and deny. Tease and deny. And then when the kids are in bed and asleep you playfully swat him away and say "oh you want some of this? Make me!

You can get your H to counteract his conditioning by creating scenarios during which you bring out his inner beast. 

It's easy to become dissatisfied and point the finger at your spouse. But if YOU are the one dissatisfied it is YOU that has to do the work to invite and inspire change. You show him what you want from him. You stop sending mixed messages. "It's wonderful to connect and bond after lovemaking." No it's not! It's not what you want or need from him so stop making him think this is okay with you because it's NOT!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@dadstartingover.com,

I think @Plan 9 from OS, has a very valid point. That your wife wanted the dominant lover but that wasn't you so she found some strange to give it to her. What you're saying is that she didn't inspire your dominance and that's why she wasn't getting it. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this so maybe a new thread should happen, but it's also relevant to this thread so maybe it does belong here.

Dadstartingover, your point is that if a woman wants a dominant lover it's her job to inspire it in her husband. You feel that your current SO inspires this in you, while your exWW did not. Since I also underwent a kind of awakening that sexual dominance was very important to me in a husband, and OP is also feeling that dissatisfaction, what are your suggestions to us, OP and I, to inspire that?

If you've been able to tap into and bring out the dominant beast lover now that you're with another woman, you've had it all along. You just wouldn't bring it with your wife. You couldn't tap into it until she cheated which woke you up and brought out the beast she was looking for.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dadstartingover.com said:


> What is sad? That we don't realize the sexual mismatch while we're married? *People just get comfortable and complacent.* Men more so, in my estimation. If everything is working fine, the bills are paid, kids are healthy... all is well! Takes a big person to say "Yeah, I'm willing to rock the boat and get this ship back on course, or I will just leave to find something better". Some of us take the easy way out and go bang other people and get caught.


I don't know your marital history, so maybe your exWW was a piece of sh!t. I'm guessing she wasn't and as you mentioned above you just got complacent. I'd be curious as to whether your ex talked to you about your lack of dominance in the bedroom before she went outside the marriage to get it. 

I'm sorry dude, but I think your follow up post about how you "traded up" was crass. I get it, MMSLP and all that garbage, but geez it's ironic to see a BS rewrite marital history in a way very much like a WS does. 

Good lesson here about how complacency kills marriages and having to learn the hard way to figure out how to not take a spouse for granted.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> @dadstartingover.com,
> 
> I think @Plan 9 from OS, has a very valid point. That your wife wanted the dominant lover but that wasn't you so she found some strange to give it to her. What you're saying is that she didn't inspire your dominance and that's why she wasn't getting it. I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this so maybe a new thread should happen, but it's also relevant to this thread so maybe it does belong here.
> 
> ...


It was kind of an "AH HA!" moment for me here recently, and one that I will write on soon. For a while, my mindset had been "Well, of course she did that... look at me. Over the years I went from a sexy young athletic guy to a sweet DAD with zero sex appeal." That is obviously true and I take full responsibility for that... but at the same time, some of that alpha desire and OOMPH had to be pulled out of me. Looking back... She wasn't pulling it out, so why would I pull it out for her? 

Did she look great? Not really. Was she an otherwise sexy person? No. Did she encourage me? No. Did she compliment me? No... not often enough that I can remember. She was my buddy. A roommate. 

This is just a vicious circle. You're in a world of domesticity and parenthood. You're familiar. Your comfortable. None of these things breed DESIRE. They breed LOVE, sure... but that's not carnal lust. That's not visceral attraction. You don't feel manly... you don't feel very attracted to her... she's not very attracted to you as a result of your weak nature... and the cycle continues.

So.. to your question... what can YOU do to get more "alpha" like and dominant behavior from your man? Well, I think you need to check yourself every time you go into a demeaning or "higher than thou" mindset. Keep nagging to a minimum. Apologize. *Let him know how much you appreciate him.* Let him know when he does things that make you think "whoa... that is awesome". If there is a hint of alpha/manly behavior, you REWARD it. Jump his bones. Tell him bluntly (we men are blunt creatures) things like "When you took care of that situation the other day... that was so awesome. It really turns me on when you act like that. Like the boss." Then you SHOW him just how much it turns you on. Sexy text messages. Be a sl_t.

You can never err on the side of being "too dirty" with your man, in my opinion.

Now.. if you're doing all this and the guy sits there like a slug and plays video games... then he's got issues. Time to lay down the law and let him know what you find attractive and not attractive. The guy needs a wake up call. Maybe then he'll say "I just don't feel it anymore"... Which means he just doesn't have that feeling for you he once had, his testosterone is low.. whatever. Not your problem. Move on.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I don't know your marital history, so maybe your exWW was a piece of sh!t.


Towards the end of the marriage, a total piece of sh!t in ever sense of the word. At the beginning, my best friend.



Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'd be curious as to whether your ex talked to you about your lack of dominance in the bedroom before she went outside the marriage to get it.


No.. and there's the vicious circle. If I ever attempted anything outside of our normal "step 1, 2, 3" pattern of monthly sex, it was seen as weird and not a good thing. In other words, she wasn't attracted to me and I wasn't sexy enough to do those things. So, which came first... my lack of alpha qualities that led to her lack of attraction, or my lack of attraction towards her that led to me pulling back my alpha ways? Hell if I know. Gives me a headache, and frankly, I'm way past that stage of life.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

dadstartingover.com said:


> Towards the end of the marriage, a total piece of sh!t in ever sense of the word. At the beginning, my best friend.
> 
> 
> 
> No.. and there's the vicious circle. If I ever attempted anything outside of our normal "step 1, 2, 3" pattern of monthly sex, it was seen as weird and not a good thing. In other words, she wasn't attracted to me and I wasn't sexy enough to do those things. So, which came first... my lack of alpha qualities that led to her lack of attraction, or my lack of attraction towards her that led to me pulling back my alpha ways? Hell if I know. Gives me a headache, and frankly, I'm way past that stage of life.


Evidently you're better off now than you were. Sucks to be in a marriage where the communication doesn't flow freely. I was going to ask you why you were attracted to her in the first place, but it sounds like the classic case of "she checked most of the boxes", and "the attraction will come later". Moot point now as to who started the avalanche in the marriage. But IMHO, another great lesson for those who are looking for a marriage partner: someone who checks "most of the boxes" is not good enough. If he/she isn't everything you want, then keep searching. Obviously much more to marriage than the selection process; however, the selection process is very important to how the marriage can go - but no guarantee obviously.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Evidently you're better off now than you were. Sucks to be in a marriage where the communication doesn't flow freely. I was going to ask you why you were attracted to her in the first place, but it sounds like the classic case of "she checked most of the boxes", and "the attraction will come later". Moot point now as to who started the avalanche in the marriage. But IMHO, another great lesson for those who are looking for a marriage partner: someone who checks "most of the boxes" is not good enough. If he/she isn't everything you want, then keep searching. Obviously much more to marriage than the selection process; however, the selection process is very important to how the marriage can go - but no guarantee obviously.


Well put.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@dadstartingover.com,


Thank you for your candid replies. The dynamic in your marriage fell into a deep rut and neither of you felt the desire or pull to fix it. I think your description is a very common scenario in marriages and those that survive are the relationships where one partner feels deeply that something important is missing and takes the initial steps to fix it. Then the other partner responds and steps up. 

But finger pointing and fantasizing about getting some strange isn't taking steps to fix it.

Do you think if your wife had taking the steps you outlined, voicing appreciation, noting the positives and backing off negative comments, became flirty and playful and maybe a bit naughty...would you have been able to respond or was your attraction to her so gone by then -prior to her affair of course- that you wouldn't have been able to respond? 

It kind of seems like we are of the same mind, that if the wife feels a lack of attraction to her H, fantasizes about being "taken" and wants more sexual dominance, then she HAS to inspire that in her husband. 

I wonder if this is something all couples should understand? That a sexually dominant partner needs to really feel that his dominance is wanted/needed and has to feel a level of appreciation in order to keep being dominant. 

This is an excellent discussion.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> @dadstartingover.com,
> 
> 
> Thank you for your candid replies. The dynamic in your marriage fell into a deep rut and neither of you felt the desire or pull to fix it. I think your description is a very common scenario in marriages and those that survive are the relationships where one partner feels deeply that something important is missing and takes the initial steps to fix it. Then the other partner responds and steps up.
> ...


Yes, I think we're on to something!:laugh:

Adding to the mix.. and not to go too deep down the rabbit hole... but as a man I can attest to society's constant beating down of real, dominant masculinity. I can confidently say that the majority of the influences in my life have strongly encouraged my softer side (be sweet... be romantic... be a great dad... help in the house) and have strongly discouraged my more alpha side (be more sensitive to her needs... it's not all about sex all the time... being best friends is the most important thing... women are more well-rounded because they're not as horny as men.. so try to be like them more).

Couple that with the obvious trend towards more masculine characters in popular female-centric porn (al la Fifty Shades and every romance novel ever) and you have a lot of confused dudes. And when dudes are confused, we just revert to being comfortable and not rocking the boat too much. Path of least resistance. 

Do I think if my ex had changed her behavior (and appearance) it would have elicited a more alpha response from me...? Yeah, probably.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I don't know Anon. 
I think it's the man that has to come up with the dominance.
In 24 years my wife has never told me she likes a more dominant man. Hell, I don't think she even knew. Not until I tried it did I know.

This might fall into the category of "if I have to tell him, it takes all the intrigue out of it."
Or, if she has to tell you she is being the dominant to begin with.

My wife is still shy about anal sex. However, the more animalistic I become, the more she willingly and happily submits to me, even wanting things she has never wanted before. My animal brings out her animal. I don't think that works the other way around, in the traditional sense. 
Again, just my opinion.

Maybe it would work for some couples, but I don't think it would have worked in my situation.

During rut, the doe never tells the buck to dominate her. She just hangs around looking all innocent while the bucks fight to f her.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Evidently you're better off now than you were. Sucks to be in a marriage where the communication doesn't flow freely. I was going to ask you why you were attracted to her in the first place, but it sounds like the classic case of "she checked most of the boxes", and "the attraction will come later". Moot point now as to who started the avalanche in the marriage. But IMHO, another great lesson for those who are looking for a marriage partner: someone who checks "most of the boxes" is not good enough. If he/she isn't everything you want, then keep searching. Obviously much more to marriage than the selection process; however, the selection process is very important to how the marriage can go - but no guarantee obviously.





That's the BIG problem with most marriages. " they do A, B, C, so well and I'll work on D, and E. If you go into it knowing you "need to work on something" your basically Screwed. DONT settle!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

tornado said:


> That's the BIG problem with most marriages. " they do A, B, C, so well and I'll work on D, and E. If you go into it knowing you "need to work on something" your basically Screwed. DONT settle!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife DID check all the right boxes except for the sex one.
I too thought it would get better. It only took 20+ years, but it DID happen. She will be 50 in a couple months and I would not trade her for anyone. (sex)

I know I am in a very small percentile, but it is possible.

The interesting part of this is that it was ALL my fault. I was too stupid or cowardly to bring it out of her.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> @dadstartingover.com,
> 
> 
> Thank you for your candid replies. The dynamic in your marriage fell into a deep rut and neither of you felt the desire or pull to fix it. I think your description is a very common scenario in marriages and those that survive are the relationships where one partner feels deeply that something important is missing and takes the initial steps to fix it. Then the other partner responds and steps up.
> ...






I think normally one spouse sees a problem, the other doesn't. The one tries to fix said problem. The other still sees no problem to work on. Finally the one throws their hands up out of frustration, as the problem doesn't improve. When both spouse are no longer working on the problem that is the beginning of the end IMO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> @dadstartingover.com,
> 
> 
> It kind of seems like we are of the same mind, that if the wife feels a lack of attraction to her H, fantasizes about being "taken" and wants more sexual dominance, then she HAS to inspire that in her husband.
> ...


I tend to agree. If I'm dominating a person who doesn't want to be dominated, then I'm just being an ass. 

OTOH, if it's obvious that a woman responds well to being dominated in the bedroom, it can be a freeing feeling in the dominant partner's mind that he can really let loose.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

dadstartingover.com said:


> Yes, I think we're on to something!:laugh:
> 
> Adding to the mix.. and not to go too deep down the rabbit hole... but as a man I can attest to society's constant beating down of real, dominant masculinity. I can confidently say that the majority of the influences in my life have strongly encouraged my softer side (be sweet... be romantic... be a great dad... help in the house) and have strongly discouraged my more alpha side (be more sensitive to her needs... it's not all about sex all the time... being best friends is the most important thing... women are more well-rounded because they're not as horny as men.. so try to be like them more).
> 
> ...




Completely agree! Men are taught tone gentlemen and we should sacrifice for our lady. The problem when she starts seeing you as weak and complacent they lose their fire for you as a man. So your either a a-hole that can't get any, or your her best friend. Most women don't sleep with friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

UMP said:


> I don't know Anon.
> I think it's the man that has to come up with the dominance.
> In 24 years my wife has never told me she likes a more dominant man. Hell, I don't think she even knew. Not until I tried it did I know.
> 
> ...


Totally agree. 

If the woman has to "allow" the man to be dominant in some way, or encourage him, he is not a dominant. Or at least not with a woman as strong as she is.

But with a less dominant woman, he likely would be just fine.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I tend to agree. If I'm dominating a person who doesn't want to be dominated, then I'm just being an ass.
> 
> OTOH, if it's obvious that a woman responds well to being dominated in the bedroom, it can be a freeing feeling in the dominant partner's mind that he can really let loose.


It takes time Fozzy. When I first did this stuff my wife actually laughed at me WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX. If I tried to slap her on the butt, she would give me a look to kill and say "don't ever do that to me." Yesterday, I smacked her butt with a fly swatter and she gave me a sinister smile.

Patience my friend.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

UMP said:


> My wife DID check all the right boxes except for the sex one.
> I too thought it would get better. It only took 20+ years, but it DID happen. She will be 50 in a couple months and I would not trade her for anyone. (sex)
> 
> I know I am in a very small percentile, but it is possible.
> ...


My question is, how do you move past all the anger, and resentment. Twenty years is a long time to be sex starved. How do you move past the fact you missed so much of your sexual prime?

Good for you guys BTW!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

tornado said:


> My question is, how do you move past all the anger, and resentment. Twenty years is a long time to be sex starved. How do you move past the fact you missed so much of your sexual prime?
> 
> Good for you guys BTW!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We still went through the motions. She basically had sex with me like you would change the oil in your car. "Every 3,000 miles or three months, whichever comes first." It was more often than that, but it was just a chore for both of us.

For me, I took it upon myself to change everything about me. The number one item was my pent up anger and resentment. I simply let it go. I knew that holding ANY of that was going to be counter productive, so I dumped it all and started over.

I also think "better late than never." It's a good time for this because our kids are starting to leave and we get the house to ourselves. I honestly feel 18 again.

BTW- The sexual prime stuff is garbage. If there is a will there is a way. I am 53 years old with heart disease. Heart attack 7 years ago. I take more meds than D$ck Cheney but can F$ck for hours if I need to and sport some serious wood.
The only thing I cannot do is hold my wife in the air for more than 30 seconds.

She is not heavy, I'm just NOT really 18 anymore. :grin2:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

UMP said:


> I don't know Anon.
> I think it's the man that has to come up with the dominance.
> In 24 years my wife has never told me she likes a more dominant man. Hell, I don't think she even knew. Not until I tried it did I know.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the bolded statement above. I tried to put myself in a scenario like the one described by DSO and just couldn't put into words what I was thinking. But "if I have to tell him, it takes all of the intrigue out if it" is exactly how I feel.

I guess I see the whole dominance thing a bit differently than many. I think people's sexual personality is what it is, and when we fail to be genuine, we suffer for it. Naturally dominant people become restless in relationships where they have to subdue their dominance, just like truly submissive people become unhappy in relationships where they are expected to take the lead. The key is figuring out where on the spectrum one lies and finding a complimenting partner.
@dadstartingover.com mentioned that when men become confused, they revert to being comfortable and follow the path of least resistance. I believe the path of least resistance is usually the one that comes naturally. The man's intrinsic personality will determine if that's to become more or less dominant. 

I suppose one can acquire behaviors that they can use to 'fake' dominance to meet a partner's submissive need (I don't use fake as derogatory term but to mean be something that isn't genuine to self), but I think trying to become something we're not naturally is doomed to bring about unhappiness. 

BTW, I think this works for women too. For example, I'm not a naturally submissive person. I can role play that character for fun, but it's not genuinely 'me'. Were my husband to come out and tell me that he's unhappy with our sexual relationship because he feels like I'm not submissive enough, it would probably mean the end of our marriage. I could probably fake it for a while but no amount of positive reinforcement and words of affirmation will ever change my natural self. I would expect him to do the same if I told him I needed a less dominant sexual partner. He'd probably laugh first and then tell me to go pound sand. 

I agree with what some others have said in that this is a compatibility issue which is sometimes overlooked in lieu of other attributes. It become a priority later in the relationship when it becomes a problem. My 2 cents.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Great post, Lila.

We all need to be ourselves, and as early on in our relationships as possible.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Lila said:


> Thank you for the bolded statement above. I tried to put myself in a scenario like the one described by DSO and just couldn't put into words what I was thinking. But "if I have to tell him, it takes all of the intrigue out if it" is exactly how I feel.
> 
> I guess I see the whole dominance thing a bit differently than many. I think people's sexual personality is what it is, and when we fail to be genuine, we suffer for it. Naturally dominant people become restless in relationships where they have to subdue their dominance, just like truly submissive people become unhappy in relationships where they are expected to take the lead. The key is figuring out where on the spectrum one lies and finding a complimenting partner.
> 
> ...


Yes, I agree. You cannot force things. However, sometimes I think we don't even know OURSELVES, what we like or who we are. I was so frustrated that I turned everything into anger. My wife was so frustrated because she had to be the emotional rock that I was supposed to be. It was all backwards, for US.

I also think you can be VERY dominant as a woman outside of the bedroom, but want a Mr. Cave Man IN the bedroom. It's such a sensitive subject for married couples. I just thank God we figured it out and I pray that it lasts till the day I die.

The other aspect of this is "you don't know until you try." My wife was very adamant about not doing certain things. However, if I can get her worked up enough, she will probably do anything I want her to do. It's all a question of how excited can I get her tonight? To me it's a challenge and the most amazing game I could ever play.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Totally agree.
> 
> If the woman has to "allow" the man to be dominant in some way, or encourage him, he is not a dominant. Or at least not with a woman as strong as she is.
> 
> But with a less dominant woman, he likely would be just fine.


It doesn't have to be a matter of "allowing" or "asking" him to be dominant. It can simply be a matter of expressing what you like when it happens. I don't think that's crazy.

If your man does something that turns you on and you want it to continue...express yourself in a positive way. 

A lot of guys WANT to be dominant in the bedroom, but suppress that because of societal pressures and fear of hurting their spouse physically or emotionally. Letting that guy know that he's free to be himself is a good thing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> It doesn't have to be a matter of "allowing" or "asking" him to be dominant. It can simply be a matter of expressing what you like when it happens. I don't think that's crazy.
> 
> If your man does something that turns you on and you want it to continue...express yourself in a positive way.
> 
> A lot of guys WANT to be dominant in the bedroom, but suppress that because of societal pressures and fear of hurting their spouse physically or emotionally. Letting that guy know that he's free to be himself is a good thing.


I was referring to the idea that if a man is not dominant, it is the woman's fault somehow. Somehow she has not given him room to dominate her or has been too overbearing or something like that. I just do not agree. 

I think people should be themselves. Yes, it takes a little while to get to know our partners. The first three months Dug and I lived together had its ups and downs. But after that things settled quite a bit.

Totally agree that people should feel free to express themselves. I do think it is on the dominant partner to earn the trust of the submissive. Submissives are more likely to freely express themselves if they feel safe to do so.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> A lot of guys WANT to be dominant in the bedroom, but suppress that because of societal pressures and fear of hurting their spouse physically or emotionally. Letting that guy know that he's free to be himself is a good thing.


I also think there is the fear of failure. I was so petrified of trying something in bed that my wife would laugh at and she DID. However, I was not angry with her, I did not even talk about it. I simply kept going, kept my mind on the mark.

We as men must get over the fear of failure. Regardless of what a person does, he or she will always fail at first. By his own admission, the great Ayrton Senna was horrible in the rain. When he eventually died and still to this day, he is recognized as the very best in rain soaked conditions ever to have graced a race track.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> I don't know Anon.
> I think it's the man that has to come up with the dominance.
> In 24 years my wife has never told me she likes a more dominant man. Hell, I don't think she even knew. Not until I tried it did I know.
> 
> ...




I think I'm going to frame this and hang it in my husband's office! >


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I think I'm going to frame this and hang it in my husband's office! >


Well, 
The part that I still cannot grasp is the fact that my wife at 50 years old is the most attractive woman I know. I always thought that when a woman got older, the sex would drop off and my attraction for that woman would wane.

Not the cast at all. In fact, if the passion is there, I believe she'll make me weak in the knees at 80.

To me, that is amazing.

The attraction comes from fulfilling our sexual roles. Now that I know I must be dominant and she submissive, the more we play our parts, the more attractive the other becomes REGARDLESS of age or ACTUAL looks. The only thing that matters is that nasty glean in our eyes. DAMN, I love that !


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am really enjoying this discussion! I am reading everyone's post and nodding and agreeing even when the posts disagree.
@Lila I totally agree with this:



> I guess I see the whole dominance thing a bit differently than many. I think people's sexual personality is what it is, and when we fail to be genuine, we suffer for it. Naturally dominant people become restless in relationships where they have to subdue their dominance, just like truly submissive people become unhappy in relationships where they are expected to take the lead. The key is figuring out where on the spectrum one lies and finding a complimenting partner.


But @UMP countered that with the very true point, especially for me and my marriage, that sometimes we don't even know our sexual selves at the time we were married so there was really no way to asses and that means we must adjust.

I have felt MANY times that having to explain and explain and specify what I want takes the meaning out of getting it. It's like kids playing Barbies. "Okay now Ken tells Barbie to get on her knees..." So yeah where is the line between adjusting ourselves because we grow and change as a normal part of life, and recognizing that who we are now is just too different and we can't meet one another's needs? 

Well that question is something I've struggled with but I'm happy with my decision. My H has stepped up in many very important ways and he is much more sexually dominant that he ever was. If I I guess I see the whole dominance thing a bit differently than many. I think people's sexual personality is what it is, and when we fail to be genuine, we suffer for it. Naturally dominant people become restless in relationships where they have to subdue their dominance, just like truly submissive people become unhappy in relationships where they are expected to take the lead. The key is figuring out where on the spectrum one lies and finding a complimenting partner.ant this marriage to work AND I want sexually dominant or general dominant behavior from him I'm going to have top from the bottom until I can convince myself that it's time to let go and let him lead. I think that's where I am right now. I have to let go and let him lead better.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> I have felt MANY times that having to explain and explain and specify what I want takes the meaning out of getting it. It's like kids playing Barbies. "Okay now Ken tells Barbie to get on her knees..."


Who knew playing Barbie could be that much fun? >


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