# New to the forum



## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Hello - 37 yo here, married to my husband for 14 years but have known him since we were 12 and dated all through high school. Recently found out he was having an emotional affair with another mother from our kids school. Looking for support, advice, and a place to vent.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

HHIAW16 said:


> Hello - 37 yo here, married to my husband for 14 years but have known him since we were 12 and dated all through high school. Recently found out he was having an emotional affair with another mother from our kids school. Looking for support, advice, and a place to vent.


Does he know you know?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is your plan? Have you given him consequences?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome, @HHIAW16.

Why are your suspicious? 

Do you have details you can share with us? The only reason I ask is because many people on TAM have been through what you are going through and can offer you help and guidance based on their experiences.

I will move your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section of TAM.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Welcome. Vent away.
How long ago did you find out? Did you discover evidence of an affair? If so, don’t let him know how you know.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

*New to the forums*

Yes he knows. Such a long story. Back in September 2018, I discovered he had sent a movie from Amazon to another mother at our kids school. Her son is in my son’s grade but they aren’t friends. They were both involved with soccer though. I confronted him about it and he said that he sent it because she said she liked the movie and was having a hard time finding it. She apparently also disclosed to him at a soccer party that she was having problems in her marriage. Like a fool, I believed him because he has always been the type of person to go out of his way for people. 

I looked back through our phone records and there were a few text messages that I could see coming from her number but didn’t think much of it because he was a coach for the team. 

Fast forward to July 2019... I discovered he was ordering viagra since April 2019. I asked him watch the charges were from a particular website, already knowing what you could order from there. His response was thought if I got a little help in the action department, we would be closer. We have never had a healthy sex life. It had been months since we had any kid of sex... absolutely none since he started ordering those. I told him I didn’t believe they were for me for that very reason. He was adamant that they were to help us. 

I went back through phone records and say there was a number that had 30 incoming calls since January. There was a call in February that lasted 136 minutes, 2 in March that were 100 minutes, and a handful that were 30-50 minutes. The rest were much shorter conversations. It was from this mother from our kids school.

I immediately confronted him and asked what was going on between the two of them. He said she called and was asking about soccer because her kid was just getting into it and our son is heavily involved, trains privately and she was trying to get info from her. At this point in July, her kid had also tried out for the same club team that ours plays on and was offered a spot for the second team. I knew he wasn’t telling the truth. No one can talk that much about soccer. I confronted her two days later, she gave the same story and apologized saying she now sees how that could make me feel and she’s the type to “talk to the husband more anyways”. 

Over the course of a few weeks I tried getting into my husbands computer, his phone, his email, etc to no avail. There were things I could see on our bank account that I questioned him about, particularly a charge from Etsy, that he came up with a good story for and denied every buying anything for her. 

On 8/2, while my husband was at practice with my kids and I came home alone from work, I went through some things in our closet. I don’t know what made me look in a particular book but I did and stuffed inside were two cards from her. One was from his mom passing away in February. It said even though I can’t be by your side, know that my heart is with you. No signed by her expect 2 hearts. The second card talked about how difficult of a life he has had (he has had a long road with cancer, surgery, losing both parents in the past 3 years) and that any time he feels lost or lonely know that she is there for him. She stated even though we can’t be together (today) know that I am with you tomorrow and for all the tomorrow’s. Again signed with two hearts. 

I called him while he was on his way home. He couldn’t talk much because the kids were in the car and just said “sorry” and that we would talk when he got home. I called her. She first denied they were from her but I told her my husband already admitted they were and she said I was going through a rough time at home, talked to him about it and became emotionally attached. I ended up hanging up on her and driving to her house to confront her husband. I knew she wasn’t home. 

Got to her house, husband wasn’t home, and at this point my husband is calling me, trying to get me to come home, saying it was getting emotional on her end, he had broken it off and to come home so he could tell me everything. 

I let him explain when I got home - he admitted he felt bad for her, realized she wanted more, and told her he wanted nothing more than a friendship. Over the next week, he would constantly reassure me that any bad thoughts I had, or things that I thought happened were untrue, and anythoughts beyond a friendship were one sided. 

I ended up texting her the day after I found the cards, told her what my husband said about it being one sided, said some not very nice words to her, and told her to not ever contact us again. She replied with “you’re husband is a good person. I apologize for taking advantage of his niceness. I know this means very little but I am deeply sorry to both of you.” She never threw him under the bus or said anything to incriminate him, indicating he pursued her. 

A week goes by... I’m still suspicious of thing... thinking I missed something. I see him unlock his phone with the passcode. I was just going to go into his phone after he went to sleep. But then realize it’s her birthday that he put in. Confront him about it but he had already changed it and denied it. He even said later that he would give me the passwords to his computer and email so I could look at them. 

Well he’s an idiot with a bad memory. I look through his email and at the end of January, he wrote and email which he emailed to himself and was still in his in box. It never mentioned her by name but the gist of it was that he basically fell in love with her and was torn trying to help her get the spark back with the man who was lucky enough to marry her vs wanting to have her all to himself. He wanted to be the one to wake up next to her, make love to her, kiss and hug her. They had a natural chemistry and that they prior 9 months were the best of his life. 

I immediately showed him the email, he broke down, was frantic, saying he never sent it to her and that’s why it was sent to himself. He wrote it, realized what the hell he was doing and how wrong it was, and knew he had to break things off. He didn’t make sense because the phone conversations picked up after that. I questioned what went on for the prior 9 months and he said conversations. There are no phone calls between the two of them except 3 in October 2018 and the longest was 7 minute, the others 1 minute. He admitted to seeing her at pick up and drop off at the school and talking to her there. He said he was lonely, he had been through a lot, thought I didn’t care, I stopped noticing him and liked the feeling of being needed and wanted. But he realized that’s not what he wanted. He wanted out relationship back. It had fallen apart with being busy with the kids, financial problems, me working long hours, etc. But he never blamed me. 

He also admitted to order her a necklace from Etsy for Valentine’s Day, realized he shouldn’t then canceled it. He also ordered that same necklace again in April for her birthday but also cancelled it and ordered a glass heart for our daughter, which she does have. I also asked him to show me his 2 credit card statements. He had ordered her flowers in May. He has apologized profusely for doing those things, said he felt bad for her, she disclosed her husband was abusive and he did see her as a friend, but had cut off all communication with her even prior to me finding out about the phone calls. 

Things were rough but ok for a couple of weeks. I did eventually tell her husband via a phone call. He said he wasn’t surprised that his wife did this, and apologized to me, saying if he hadn’t failed her I wouldn’t be dealing with this. He called my husband the next day. Basically said the same thing - he was a jerk to her and apologized that we got caught up in it. 

The most recent blow up was just a few days ago. My daughter had my husbands old phone that had an email account on there that he uses for stupid stuff. I knew about this email and had searched her email address/name before and didn’t find anything. But I though, maybe I should put in his main email address and see if he sent himself anything else. He sure did.... on April 28th he again wrote an email talking about how he was overcome with her beauty every time he saw her, her hair and how it was perfect, her smooth silky legs, and the way that she kisses him. It talked about how he didn’t think this was love because love was too simple to describe what they had. I flipped out. He had adamantly denied as did she that anything physical had happened between the two of them and that it was always an emotional thing. I didn’t believe him. He said that those were just messed up thoughts in his head, things he thought about, never sent that to her and that’s why it was emailed to himself. Said it was basically a diary and that he could have thoughts, which he knew were wrong and worked to fix his head, and never acted on them. 

I kicked him out. He literally had his life in 3 suitcases and left. The kids were distraught. I feel awful they had to witness the entire ordeal. I could see the pain and anxiety in their eyes. The next day was the first day of school for them. I asked him to come back for their sake. He did. We talked a little. Kids went to school the next day. He basically ignored me but I pushed his buttons. Divorce was mentioned but he said he only wanted that if that’s what I wanted. He reiterated that everything I am finding is in the past, and he has done nothing wrong since I found out, and even before that.
He said he was in a bad place, realized why this happened, and wanted nothing more to fix our relationship. He said I was all he ever wanted but didn’t think that I cared or wanted/needed him anymore. He was still adamant that nothing physical ever happened. That he would purposefully do things to avoid her, like ask me to pick up the kids from school when I could, or go to a different grocery store because she was following him to the closer one after school drop off. 

We agreed that we would move forward and work on us. But I can’t get the thoughts out of my head, the things he said he wanted to do with her, and the things he said about her. I still have doubts about a physical relationship, but they both adamantly deny it and I don’t have any proof. I hate having to see her face at school and now at club soccer... luckily her kids birth year is a year younger than my son, so they practice on different days but we will see them this weekend at a tournament. 

If you made it this far, thank you. Appreciate any thoughts or people to commiserate who went through/are going through something similar.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Has there been arguments or a confrontation?

I'd recommend that you hold off until such time that you have an impressive, irrefutable hand of cards to play and then blindside him with them!

Check out his social media devices for signs of any hanky-panky or blue lighting! Sadly enough in these cases, it's usually there to be found!*


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It appears that you set some pretty good lines already, now what has he said to having access to all of his electronic passwords and accounts? What is he doing to make up for doing this? How many blue pills are missing. Is he willing to commit all things you need to move forward with him.

And Buy........ Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass, as a start to regain your trust but by all means it looks like you have done some homework already. 

But now is the time to watch and continue to gather and other things that may come up. In essence give him enough rope to hang himself or it proves he is on the doing what need to be done. Buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) place it in his auto, and maybe a passive gps that will show you where he has been ( or his car anyway). 

If you are patient, and not say much more than the passwords and such. Because if you do he may attempt to take the relationship dark(under cover). But when you get the VAR in the car and his other phone shows no activity but if he's still in contact with her, he has a burner phone. And has taken it underground.

Sorry, you are going through this. But you are doing some right things already. How are you emotionally doing. What ages are your children how long have you. What type of cancer did he have? Was it life threatening? Any other signs or issues in your past marriage strike you odd now since this discovery?

What is the other husband going to do about his wife, he may be a passive husband. What is his demeanor daily with you? Put a No contact with him, against her and if your child's soccer it brought up, then these are some of the new ways he will show he's genuine and remorseful. If that means he must stop coaching so be it, you need to be proven just how much he desires you and your family.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

He has already told me that anytime I want to look at something, ask him. He will pull it up immediately, we will look at it together in a seconds notice so that there is no chance for him to delete something or hide it. 

I will say these things about him - he 100% knew what he was doing was wrong. He told me as much. He felt stuck, he felt bad for her, and made the effort to cut everything off. He never called her. She always called him. There was one single phone call to her the day after her kid tried out for club soccer. Otherwise she called him. He completely blocked her from his phone. We saw her out at a festival with her family - this was before I contacted her husband. My husband certainly didn’t try to hide from her. He held my hand, pulled me closer, knew I was upset and said he was just as disgusted as I was. I have made it clear that this is his only chance to make things right. Even before everything came to light, he was def making an effort to be a better husband. Nothing drastic ever happened in our marriage, but we just grew apart being busy and didn’t make time for our relationship. He has said he knows he was putting more effort into someone else than working on his own problems at home. He has said time and time again that if anything came out of this, he realized what he had, what he was missing, and what he wanted. He made a vow to become a better person and husband for it and has certainly proved it. The reassuring thing to me is that based on the phone logs, things were cut off before I found anything out. The last time she contacted him was 6/23 - when we were on vacation. 

As far as her husband, when he called mine, he basically asked his advice about what he should do with her... throw her out and make her move away? Or should he move out? It was really odd. 

As far as my husbands cancer it was life threatening. He was diagnosed when I was a sophomore in college. I supported him through his chemo, surgeries, complications, more surgeries from metastatic disease. His oncologist, who he has known for 18 years, retired in March. A month after his mom died. He said he felt like he was losing his father all over again when he saw his oncologist for the last time. He has been honest with me about being lonely and in a bad spot, felt like I lost how much I cared for him when he was sick and at one point wished his cancer would come back because he knew I would be there for him. 

As far as the pills, there are some missing.. I found his chat room log from the website and he told the doc that he tried them but they didn’t work. I confronted him about that and he said that he took them in the evening when I was home, thought they would help him “get in the mood” and didn’t really understand what they were for. The remainder were accounted for. 

He has reassured me that although he wrote about her physical attributes, he was not physically or sexually attracted to her. He was attracted to her attention and how she made him felt wanted and needed. He reiterated ways he purposefully avoided seeing her.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Also want to add that he does not coach soccer for the school anymore as my son isn’t playing for them, just the club team. He had already told her that if she had questions about the club, she should contact the coaches from there and to not call him anymore. 

He also made a point to say that he knows fixing this problem is the hard way. He could have easily left if he truly wanted her when I found everything out the first time or kicked him out just recently. But he doesn’t want her. He even said no matter what happens between us, if I can’t forgive him and move forward and need him to leave, she still won’t be involved in his life. He wants nothing to do with her. He is angry at himself for getting involved. Has some anger at her as he felt manipulated.

Our kids are 7 and 10 (2nd and 5th grade).


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

One more thing to add. I am the sole provider for my family. My husband has been a stay at home dad since our kids were born and continues to stay home and maintain the household, which works for our family. Given his significant medical history, it would be difficult for him to work in his chosen field. However, he has an inheritance coming in the next week or so that is a substantial amount. He also inherited some lands from his mother. He has made a point to also say if he wanted to be with her and all those feelings were true that he wrote down, this would be the best time to leave me. But he says they weren’t real, they were messed up thoughts in his head due to feeling lonely, and they were never true. He also has some self esteem issues knowing that I am the provider and sees all these stay at home moms at school while he’s one of the few stay at home dads. This woman put him on a pedestal and boosted his ego.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's gotten physical.
Don't fool yourself.
Men don't get into these kinda relationships to chat.
Don't listen to his lies. 

These beta men FTL......him and the OW husband.
Weak sauce...


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Although there's no justification for what he did, it is understandable that he would be extremely morally weak given the circumstances. I wouldn't be surprised if he instead gave in to something else like drugs, alcohol, etc. That is, it might be like if someone loses their job and is broke, they may turn to alcohol as a way to cope. It's not right and doesn't make it okay, but humans have weaknesses and it's not unheard of for people to irrationally engage in self-destructive behaviors.

It sounds like he is trying to turn this around, which is a good sign. Of course, you'll have to realize he has this weakness, so the future will not be certain. Just like an alcoholic is never truly cured, so will be the same for him. He will need to take steps to ensure that he's never in a position where he'll give into temptations when he's morally weak.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Sorry that you are here and going through this.

What do you want to do about your relationship ?
Stay and try and work things out, or leave ?
Do not simply stay for the kids or for monetary 
reasons. ( house payment, etc. ) Stay because 
you want to, any other reason will not work. The kids
will notice also, and things will get bitter and worse.

I would suggest you find a good counselor because it 
sounds like you have a lot to deal with right now. Work, 
sole provider, kids, and now this. It can be exhausting trying
to go this alone. Family, friends, a support network could help.
You need access to all of his social media, credit cards, and 
consider GPS on the car. He may truly feel remorse and regret 
for his actions. His actions moving forward will tell a lot more 
than his words. 

I would suggest he seek a counselor also. It sounds like he has some 
things he needs to work out about his ego, or self esteem. Other things 
also. ( health fears and losing family etc )

If you decide to stay and work on things I would suggest a marriage counselor.
You may be able to find one that can work on all of these things not several
different counselors, but one.

Since your kids are both of school age I would also suggest he finds some sort
of job. He may not be able to work in his chosen one, but he can do something. 
It will help you and occupy his time. I fully understand his health concerns but 
he can do something, besides stay at home and feel miserable, and make you 
feel the way you are now. 

Do not have him move out, unless you are done with the marriage. If her husband 
has her move out, and he moves out, they might move in together. Sorry no other way 
to say that. I suggest no further contact with her or her husband for both of you.
If they have problems, let them work on their own. They should have been doing 
that anyways. 

If he truly realizes his mistake and you both want to move forward, I wish you
happiness in the future.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Mmwhite

Google polygraph tests in your area, finding the examiner with the most experience. If you cannot find a local examiner then call your local police department to see who they use. Understand this about a polygraph, they are a tool, the examiner is the key, so finding one who has completed many is best. Also you can only ask five questions which are very direct, lay out your ground rules and definitions in the parking lot just prior to going in. Also, inform your husband that any new revelations lead straight to divorce. Do not tell your husband you are scheduling a polygraph, not until you are in the parking lot. Create two lists of questions, one set for what you know now, a second set for what he confesses to in the parking lot. 

Sorry to say this, but I do believe this is much more then emotional, much more then just messed up thoughts. Have you thought about how they got alone to kiss? It wasn’t on the soccer field or the school pick up zone, no, the kids weren’t there, so where were they? Your house? Her house? A motel? Get in his face and tell him you were born at night, but it wasn’t last night!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's lying to you. That's what cheaters do so it's highly unlikely you'll ever get the truth. Keep that in mind as you sift through all of this.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

So I actually do believe him that it wasn’t physical. I mean maybe I am the complete idiot here. But.... without getting into too much detail (as if I didn’t already) I am confident that when he took the viagra, he was home with me. He thought that they would help with his libido, not keeping an erection longer. I can also tell by our alarm system when my husband comes and goes from the house and certain motion sensors are active. I can also say that given his prior medical history, he would not be the person to casually have sex with someone. Neither of us have been with anyone else and he has a lot of insecurities because of prior surgeries. If he had taken it to that level he would be with her and not me at this point. I am certain that when I kicked him out he would have told me everything if there was more to it. I’ve also confronted the other woman about there being a physical relationship... she adamantly denies it. She has nothing to lose by lying to me. My husband made it clear that if he wanted to be with her, it would be that easy to call her up and say he is through with me and she would leave her husband in a second. I’m sure she wants nothing more than for me to know all of the dirt. Even after I had just found out about the phone calls and cards from her, my husband said to me that he doesn’t know the conversations I had with her but hopes that she would be honest about his part in everything. Not once has she incriminated him in anyway.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

"Those who hide their head in the sand should not complain about the wind up their bottoms" - anonymous


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

"As far as her husband, when he called mine, he basically asked his advice about what he should do with her... throw her out and make her move away? Or should he move out? It was really odd"

To me this could indicate that she has a history of either PA or EA and her husband is used to it, fed up with it or doesn't know what to do about her infidelities.
Your WH could be just the most recent of her relationships with other women's husbands.
I would say there's a good chance it's been a PA but maybe not a continuing affair? Maybe it fizzled out. 

The missing little blue pills are a interesting question, the doctor would have told tell him that they don't make you horny they just help maintain when you do get an erection. And he may have done a test run to see what happened but you should have been there...but if he bought them online they are most likely fake so they wouldn't work anyway.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

For peace of mind, consider scheduling a polygraph. I don't necessarily believe in the science behind them, but if you don't get a "parking lot" confession, it can at least help solidify your stance. It helped in my case.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Infidelity is like any other human behavior -> it has an observable and predictable pattern that is associated with our species.

Your WH is exhibiting much of this pattern. Some of what we see all the time and can predict:

- lying to you
- hiding this part of his life from you
- shifting the blame to you - 'I thought you didn't care.'
- minimizing the affair - 'It was never physical'.
- minimizing the length of the affair.
- I bought the cialis for us.
- I used the viagra to masturbate.
- insisting that it wasn't physical
- if it was physical, well it was only kissing
- ok, it wasn't only kissing, but the physical end of it repulsed me, I couldn't get it up, I didn't enjoy it, etc.
- it was only physical twice (don't know exactly why, but cheaters always pick the number two for this)
- insisting that he/she felt guilty the whole time.
- insisting that they broke contact, when they are actually in contact through different means.
- insisting that they are open books, but when you look at their stuff, you see that they wiped it clean.
- 'I will take a polygraph to prove that what I'm saying is true.'
- backing down from the polygraph once they see you are serious about it.

I could add more - and people here may do that - but this all boils down to the fact that your WH is now a proven liar. She is also a proven liar. You can't trust what either of them says.

Follow the proof that you have. They referenced kissing. This is physical. Pursue that. He is lying. Get him to admit it. Once he admits that, you can start to uncover the rest of it.

You need the truth to know what you are reconciling. Please don't feel like the fool in false reconciiiation after a year of you trying your hardest.

I'm sorry he has done this to you. He is, sadly, a liar.
-


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yesterday you were unsure if it was physical. Today you believe him that it wasn't. What changed?


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## EmeryB (Aug 15, 2019)

Honey, I'm sorry, but I would bet my last dollar this was not just an EA. You are deluding yourself. I get it. You WANT to believe all the ridiculous words that have come out of his mouth. MAYBE he feels remorse about it now, and MAYBE he is really sorry, but I promise you he is lying his ass off. 

*#1 cheater's rule: DENY DENY DENY

*But hey, if you don't care about the fact that he's a liar and a cheater, and you really think this gem is worth keeping, it's your prerogative. 

(FYI - I was married to a liar and a cheater. I wasted precious time believing his stupid lies . . . as he looked me dead in the eyes and spoke them so sincerely to me . . . )


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

HHIAW16 said:


> So I actually do believe him that it wasn’t physical. I mean maybe I am the complete idiot here. But.... without getting into too much detail (as if I didn’t already) I am confident that when he took the viagra, he was home with me. He thought that they would help with his libido, not keeping an erection longer. I can also tell by our alarm system when my husband comes and goes from the house and certain motion sensors are active. I can also say that given his prior medical history, he would not be the person to casually have sex with someone. Neither of us have been with anyone else and he has a lot of insecurities because of prior surgeries. If he had taken it to that level he would be with her and not me at this point. I am certain that when I kicked him out he would have told me everything if there was more to it. I’ve also confronted the other woman about there being a physical relationship... she adamantly denies it. She has nothing to lose by lying to me. My husband made it clear that if he wanted to be with her, it would be that easy to call her up and say he is through with me and she would leave her husband in a second. I’m sure she wants nothing more than for me to know all of the dirt. Even after I had just found out about the phone calls and cards from her, my husband said to me that he doesn’t know the conversations I had with her but hopes that she would be honest about his part in everything. Not once has she incriminated him in anyway.




I’m not being mean here at all, but both are lying, I lived in never never land myself for awhile. I mean he isn’t one to have random sex, he’s only one to random kiss a woman then say I’ve got to go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: New to the forums*



HHIAW16 said:


> Yes he knows. Such a long story. Back in September 2018, I discovered he had sent a movie from Amazon to another mother at our kids school. Her son is in my son’s grade but they aren’t friends. They were both involved with soccer though. I confronted him about it and he said that he sent it because she said she liked the movie and was having a hard time finding it. She apparently also disclosed to him at a soccer party that she was having problems in her marriage. Like a fool, I believed him because he has always been the type of person to go out of his way for people.
> 
> I looked back through our phone records and there were a few text messages that I could see coming from her number but didn’t think much of it because he was a coach for the team.
> 
> ...


He is lying through his teeth, all of this is trickle truthing you.

Make him move to the spare bedroom.
Do the 180 on him to emotional detach. Remember he is in the affair cloud and yes it went physical 
Go see a lawyer to ascertain your options, keep them open
Tell him to write a time line of everything. You showed your hand too early with everything you found
He must write a no contact letter to her
All info you found must be shared with the other BS
Tell all family ( his and yours) and your friends what happened, expose both of them, particularly to the school pick up lace, that will keep them busy
Go get counselling for yours of to get through this
It is up to you to decide whether you want him or not. Remember if he works hard to win you back then you might have a chance if not let him go as it’s a matter of time before he’s doing something like this again 
All I hear from him is excuses and attempts to put the blame for his cheating on you, he was lonely, you didn’t give him attention, blah blah blah, typical cheater mantra. Let him know that cheating is 100% on him and do not accept this stop him when he starts this type of talk.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Your husband is morally weak. Coaches are fodder for lonely moms.

Insist that he find a job so he won't have so much free time on his hands, otherwise YOU will be supporting your EXH and his AP! She will always be hot after him since she knows he is interested. Think of how many times he told her he wanted her, not you and why!

Of course, he would rather stay with you since you support the family--then he can have his side-pieces. DO polygraph--just to help him understand you are no fool if for no other reason.

A sexless marriage is miserable--I know from experience. Is this lack of sex your choice or his, the result of exhaustion since you do all the work in the marriage, or maybe because he puts more effort into others than his own family? Did he court you, spend time with you, romance you, buy you gifts? If you want to stay (it was physical--that means any touching), seek IC, then MC. 

Do not let him blame you--he was making choices to cheat, to disrespect you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: New to the forums*



HHIAW16 said:


> I still have doubts about a physical relationship, but they both adamantly deny it and I don’t have any proof.


Let me explain to you how cheaters work.

#1: they lie like rugs. They'll put their hand on the Bible and swear on their own children's LIVES that they didn't cheat when they did. And all your husband DOES is *LIE*.

One lie after the next after the next. He's elevated lying to an art form.

#2: if you don't have proof of their wrongdoing, they'll never admit to it on their own. All he's done is LIE to you until he couldn't lie anymore because you had proof that nailed his ass to the wall. If he wasn't going to admit phone calls and necklaces and flowers and texts and emails to you until he had no choice because you had the proof, why on earth would you think he'd actually admit that they had sex? That will never, EVER happen until you find proof of it and then he'll have no choice but to admit. Until that happens, he'll continue to lie to you about it. I'm sorry, but that's the truth.

#3: cheaters always get their stories straight with each other so that the information is the same when you come looking for answers. He clearly threw this woman right under the bus when it came time to save his own pitiful lying ass but don't think for ONE minute that they didn't rehearse what they were going to say. That's standard procedure with cheaters. And I honestly think her husband is one of those weaklings we see a lot on message boards who literally just puts up with whatever cheating their wives do and cry into their beer hoping she'll love them again one day. It's pathetic. I mean really, what kind of man APOLOGIZES to you *and the man who screwed around with his wife* because you were both _victims_ in their drama because HE wasn't taking care of business at home? What *man* DOES that? This guy is the biggest cuckold I've clearly *ever* read about anywhere.

Honestly? I seriously have my doubts that that was her husband you spoke to. I *really* do. Unless you spoke to him face to face, I think you were talking to someone that likely wasn't her husband but who was happy to pose as him for that phone call. I really do.

He's still lying through his teeth.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Ok to clarify some things... he never once blamed me for his actions. He said it wasn’t my fault. He blamed the way he felt for allowing it to happen and realized he should be focusing his energy more at home that going down the slope of trying to help someone else with her own relationship problems and developing inappropriate feelings. 

I know no one believes it, but he is adamant that he never once told her the things in the emails/the way he felt at the time. He is a passionate writer. He does tend to write down his feelings. He admitted that he wrote it, read it, and thought what the hell am I doing. He said the thoughts he had were because he was missing what our relationship once was and she made him feel needed and wanted. 

He is not staying for financial reasons. As I said in a previous post, a sizeable inheritance is coming this week. He would be fine on his own financially. 

She has also denied any physical contact. She and her husband are pretty much done. As I said before, she has nothing to lose by telling me if he went beyond just conversations and an emotional attachment. She knows he isn’t leaving me for her. He had cut off all contact with her even before I found out about it. She apologized to me for taking advantage of him. Said he is a good person and she was deeply sorry to both of us. I’m not wasting my time on her forgiveness. 

As much as I want to make her look like the snake that she is, I’m certainly not going to tell everyone at school what’s happening in my private life. That doesn’t help the situation. 

My husband and I are focusing on what happened in our relationship to cause this to develop. It’s a two way street. Although he says it’s not my fault and I shouldn’t blame myself, we obviously weren’t in a good place and retrospectively we both see that. Divorce lawyer is not needed. This is an unfortunate hiccup in a 25+ year relationship (14 of which we have been married). He understands what a mess he has made, is remorseful and understands he is fortunate to not have lost me. 

So fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Time will tell, but for now, we are working on us.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Also to the person that has doubts about me talking to her husband, I contacted him through his work email. His personal phone number was no where to be found. He’s a physician. I know him and his voice. He gave me his number when he responded to my email. Trust me, it was him. And he text my husband asking him to call. I saw what number it was from. No one was posing as her husband.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You are in the the very typical betrayed spouse syndrome. I have to believe because the truth is to hard to take. Staying in denial is comforting short term and will allow you to rug sweep this. Long term. Not so much.

The facts are he's buying viagara (some missing)= sexual affair.

You probably think this just isn't him. He'd never do this, yada, yada, yada. Nope, that's a part of who he is and he made a very conscious decision to cheat.

You'll wallow in this as long as you allow yourself to. You aren't that naive but you are in deep denial.

All cheater lie a lot. That's what you're getting.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Appreciate all the people that responded and I definitely see how all can be convinced of certain things based on what I said. But the fact of the matter is, I’m not in denial... I am choosing to trust my husband with what he is telling me, what he has confessed to, the facts that I do have in front of me, and the conversations that I have had with all other parties. There is more to it, based on his underlying medical issues that I can assure you, if he made the decision to have sex with someone, there would be a much deeper relationship, one that he wouldn’t just walk away from and things would be much more complicated at this time. 

The other issue that I left out is the fact that the other woman had a child with her at home during the day. These so called trysts would have had to have happened at night. If I was working late, he had our kids. He never went out somewhere without me or the kids in the evening. And as I mentioned, we have a security alarm so I can see when someone comes and goes. He wasn’t sneaking around while we were sleeping.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

I'm not going to address whether or not he physically cheated, as others are undoubtedly going to cover that plenty. If you want to recover your relationship, then I would recommend you purchase the books "His Needs, Her Needs", "Love Busters", and "Surviving an Affair", all by the same author. Both of you should read them, and put the knowledge to work.

In one of your posts, you said you guys hadn't had sex in months. Why?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've convinced yourself that you know the truth. People here think you are likely not getting the whole truth.

If you already know what you want to know and already know what you are going to do, why did you sign on here and post your story?

If you are firm that you are full speed ahead on reconciliation, you can ask to have this thread moved to the reconciliation forum.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

HHIAW16 said:


> Appreciate all the people that responded and I definitely see how all can be convinced of certain things based on what I said. But the fact of the matter is, I’m not in denial... I am choosing to trust my husband with what he is telling me, what he has confessed to, the facts that I do have in front of me, and the conversations that I have had with all other parties. There is more to it, based on his underlying medical issues that I can assure you, if he made the decision to have sex with someone, there would be a much deeper relationship, one that he wouldn’t just walk away from and things would be much more complicated at this time.
> *
> The other issue that I left out is the fact that the other woman had a child with her at home during the day. *These so called trysts would have had to have happened at night. If I was working late, he had our kids. He never went out somewhere without me or the kids in the evening. And as I mentioned, we have a security alarm so I can see when someone comes and goes. He wasn’t sneaking around while we were sleeping.


I've seen this before and it never stopped them. Sorry but you are in denial


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

False R's happen all the time. Don't think you are immune


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

*Changes username hoping rug sweeping can fix everything*


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> *Changes username hoping rug sweeping can fix everything*



Actually just don’t want real life people to be able to read everything I posted to anonymous strangers considering it has my last name, initials, and is associated with my email address. Not sweeping under the rug. Did a simple search of HHIAW16 and it clearly pops up and can be associated with me. 

Honestly, I came here for support, not to be accused of sweeping things under the rug, being told that everything I think is wrong, etc... this apparently wasn’t the right forum for me or my issues. I have been dealing with this for over 2 months on my own, came here looking for people that may have been in a similar situation. And not once have I said anything rude or argumentative back. The things people have said to me made me open up more conversations with my husband. I’ve spent a lot more discussing things with him rather than explaining and defending my stance on here.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

HHIAW16 said:


> Actually just don’t want real life people to be able to read everything I posted to anonymous strangers considering it has my last name, initials, and is associated with my email address. Not sweeping under the rug. Did a simple search of HHIAW16 and it clearly pops up and can be associated with me.
> 
> Honestly, I came here for support, not to be accused of sweeping things under the rug, being told that everything I think is wrong, etc... this apparently wasn’t the right forum for me or my issues. I have been dealing with this for over 2 months on my own, came here looking for people that may have been in a similar situation. And not once have I said anything rude or argumentative back. The things people have said to me made me open up more conversations with my husband. I’ve spent a lot more discussing things with him rather than explaining and defending my stance on here.


Actually looked it up. You are dead right. I'm sorry. It's best that you get it changed ASAP.
You have to understand, most that come here are in complete denial. 
I was when I got here as well. 
I was told for many months I was lying about my wife and story here. It took a while before it my story was proven true here. Hang in there.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

So sorry you are here. I married my high school sweetheart, was married 30 years when she had an affair, so similiar stories you and I.

Think, dont BELIEVE what he says is true, thats better. When you think its true you are always checking to see if what you think is true, is true.. Sometimes when you BELIEVE you stop there. I sure dont know what happened, I dont know if he had sex with her or not. But I do know, from personal experience, how the betrayer acts and talks, and how they hide facts until you can prove them wrong. You bury your head in the sand its going to go bad for you. If you do decide to rugsweep, do me one favor. Six months from now, when you come back to post about the new evidence you found, please use this thread, new threads all the time are a pain.

Stay with him, I admire that, but only if HE is totally open, remorseful.


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## HHIAW16 (Aug 27, 2019)

Hoosier said:


> So sorry you are here. I married my high school sweetheart, was married 30 years when she had an affair, so similiar stories you and I.
> 
> Think, dont BELIEVE what he says is true, thats better. When you think its true you are always checking to see if what you think is true, is true.. Sometimes when you BELIEVE you stop there. I sure dont know what happened, I dont know if he had sex with her or not. But I do know, from personal experience, how the betrayer acts and talks, and how they hide facts until you can prove them wrong. You bury your head in the sand its going to go bad for you. If you do decide to rugsweep, do me one favor. Six months from now, when you come back to post about the new evidence you found, please use this thread, new threads all the time are a pain.
> 
> Stay with him, I admire that, but only if HE is totally open, remorseful.


Thank you for your post. Trust me, I’ve questioned EVERYTHING he has told me. Things he has confessed to, things that I have come up with in my own head, things that he has adamantly denied. I have continued to search for other secrets and I’ve come up with nothing. He said before that he was relieved that everything was out in the open because he didn’t want to spend time repairing our relationship and then I find out about something a month, 6 months, a year, down the road and we are back at square one. He has shown nothing but remorse and as I mentioned before, he has never once blamed me, only explained how he felt and why it happened. He also just said to me that he felt trapped and it was hard to stop the conversations because it was filling a void that he had and didn’t want to feel that way again. We’ve also had discussions about boundaries. He has always been a “nice guy”. Will go out of his way for people male or female. He knows that he can’t do that anymore because that’s what got him into the mess in the first place. He thought he was being nice by listening and then things spiraled out of control. 

We unfortunately saw her twice this past weekend at a soccer tournament. I noticed her first at a restaurant that we went to with my son’s team and made a comment about her being there. His response was who the hell cares..I’m here with you to have a good time with our friends. He told me later that he felt angry (at himself) when I said she was there because he knows how it makes me feel and he couldn’t give a rats ass about her, her husband, or her kid who is a ****ty soccer player. He has expressed a lot of guilt over what he has done, knows he can’t change the past, and is trying to do everything right in the present. He has owned up to his mistakes. 

I know everyone keeps saying he was absolutely physical with her and I am in denial.... but I THINK what he is telling me is the truth. We talked about it again last night. He said when I kicked him out of the house, it was our lowest point. I had given him my rings, told him to sell them so he had some money until he got his inheritance, and our kids unfortunately were privy to his entire blow-up. He truly thought we were done and at that point and if he had anything else to hide, he would have just let it all out. 

Obviously if I find evidence of anything further, I will update with my tail between my legs and admit I am wrong.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

I know you want to believe the best in your husband but here’s the thing. They had desire, proximity, and opportunity. I’d bet my 20+ year career as a divorce attorney that they slept together. Every piece of evidence backs that up including his trickle truth to you addressing only what you found proof of. They had sex as often as they could arrange. Operate from this basis because it’s true.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Hh 

When my wife’s affair began to unravel I was told they held hands and kissed once. So you saying that your husband and the OW kissed means the same as what my wife said. Imagine for a moment I stopped and believed her, imagine the two of them together, you are nowhere around, and they only kissed. Imagine what your husband says is true, they only kissed, do you notice anything else about this? Let’s really think about this, because I really don’t think you are seeing what is before your eyes. 

How did they find time to be alone? Was this time planned? How much went into this effort to be alone? You can explain or even account for all of your husbands time? What I’m trying to show you is they were alone, they made good use of their time kissing, you can verify they were never alone again? My point you should be seeing is that being alone isn’t just a possibility but a reality. It happened. You say you know of his whereabouts, but you didn’t know they were alone and kissed, so you honestly don’t know. I’m not blaming you, I’m trying to show that your husband, for however long, wasn’t in your marriage as you have said. It’s to what extent he wasn’t in the marriage that’s important for you to know. Kissing, that we know, and now you see regret when you should be seeing remorse. I can’t say it’s entirely possible they only kissed, but the reality shows a much worse picture. Only you can see and hear your husband, only you can make the choice as to what to do. You said your husband hit rock bottom when you kicked him out, I wonder what he would have told you if he wasn’t allowed to come back. 

Oh, and as for me, I kept digging and questioning, and that came with one hell of a price. Had I trusted my wife like you, I’d really be in a bad place now. So maybe just consider me jaded as to what your husband says, trust me, I’ve earned it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The issue you have with being in this section is that people here are trying to help others 'cope with infidelity' from a foundation of truth.

They don't believe that a healthy reconciliation can happen if the truth - as much as one can be certain - is really known to the betrayed spouse. Since your story sounds just like the thousands of other stories of infidelity, the experienced people here don't think you really have the truth.

Again, you can ask to have this thread moved to the Reconciliation forum where posters will assume they are addressing the aftermath of infidelity. You were hoping for support here, but what you want is people to support you in the way that you want. We can't do that, because we don't really believe you have the truth of the affair. If you have the truth, you would be one in a million. Possible, but certainly not likely.

Anonymous posters are smart to go with the odds. Human nature is what it is, and infidelity is a predictable human behavior.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

HHIAW16 said:


> She has also denied any physical contact. She and her husband are pretty much done. As I said before, she has nothing to lose by telling me if he went beyond just conversations and an emotional attachment.


Where do you think her loyalties_ lie_ - with *you*, or with your husband?

The answer is B, your husband. And he likely begged her to lie to you and make it all sound as though he was innocent and she was the troublemaker. After all, she's done with her husband so it's no sweat off her back to take the heat because she has NOTHING to lose at this point.

Your husband, however, has PLENTY to lose.

Oh my gosh it's so frustrating to see someone being *so* deluded.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

alte Dame said:


> If you have the truth, you would be one in a million. Possible, but certainly not likely.


I seem to remember *one* betrayed spouse actually getting the whole ENTIRE truth from their cheater, but that was long before pen and paper was created. However, I think this exceptional story was carved into the side of a cave somewhere in Africa for your reading pleasure.

Other than that, I got nuthin' more recent proving cheaters don't lie their asses off when they're caught.


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