# Father in Hospice, ex wife wants to visit him



## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

Hi all,

My 90 yr old father is in hospice care right now and could pass away at any time. He had been on dialysis for the last few years and has been declining steadily. His trips to the hospital due to falls and/or other issues had been happening more and more frequently as of late and after the most recent incident, we knew it was time to stop dialysis and let him go. 

The issue I'm having is... my ex wife wants to visit him and i'm not sure how I feel about it. She sent me a text over the weekend asking if my family and I minded if she went to visit him. I talked with my current fiance about it and then I replied to her text with this: "I don't think anyone would mind and I do appreciate the thought. However, my dad is essentially unconscious at this point and my mom and sisters are very stressed. I'm not really sure what makes sense at this point." 

I was hoping she would back out but she didn't. She responded with some nice words about my father and that was it. Yesterday she sent me another text which said "I'm thinking abt going tommorow with kids to see your dad. Would that be ok? When are you going to be able to drop off check?" (funny how she slips in a question about the alimony check.) She then suggested I talk with my mom and sisters to see if it's ok. I told her I would let her know and I haven't gotten back to her yet.

On one hand I feel like... My father was a part of her life for 20 years and who am I to tell her not to visit him? She has been nice and my family doesn't really have any hard feelings at this point. On the other hand, I really don't want her there... If I didn't have kids with her or owe her a damn check every month, I'd never talk to her again unless I ran into her by accident somewhere. Plus, it's awkward for all involved and she's not part of the immediate family anymore. I feel like it would be more appropriate for her to just wait until he passes away and then pay her respects at the funeral home.

Also, the hospital is about an hour and a half away from where she lives. I live about 15 minutes closer. She wants to get a ride there with my daughter, but my daughter plans to stay for a few hours and that's just too long for my ex wife to be there. 

I don't know... right now I'm not thinking as clearly as I normally do. Emotions are high and my patience level is pretty much zero. What would you do? What is the proper etiquette in this situation? 

I appreciate any responses. If you want any more details about my history with my ex, feel free to ask.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What would your dad want? Was he close to her?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My parents (mom in particular) are both close to my ex. She still stats over at their place when she's in the area. Both me and my SO are fine with that. After all, she is still the mother to their only grandchildren. 

So in my case, I'd be fine with my ex visiting as long as she wanted. But that's just me, in my situation. 

C


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> What would your dad want? Was he close to her?


My father didn't hate her, but he wasn't close with her. He hasn't mentioned her in 4 years. I don't think he'd care either way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So sorry to hear about your father. I hope you get to spend some time with him before he goes. 

I say let her go visit him. Like you said, he was part of her life for 20 years and is the grandfather of her children.


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

PBear said:


> My parents (mom in particular) are both close to my ex. She still stats over at their place when she's in the area. Both me and my SO are fine with that. After all, she is still the mother to their only grandchildren.
> 
> So in my case, I'd be fine with my ex visiting as long as she wanted. But that's just me, in my situation.
> 
> C


My parents were not close to my ex, but they had a decent relationship. There has been no contact in about 5 years. I think I'll call my mother and ask her what she thinks. 

My daughter doesn't want my XW to go... she thinks it's strange and awkward, and now is not the time for awkward.


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## SFG (Apr 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> So sorry to hear about your father. I hope you get to spend some time with him before he goes.
> 
> I say let her go visit him. Like you said, he was part of her life for 20 years and is the grandfather of her children.


Thank you. I've spent time with him every day for the last week. 

I think I'm leaning that way, but i'll check with my mother first. I think she'll be fine with it. I'll report back afterwards.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Checking with your mom and any other "regular" visitors is a good idea. 

C


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

SFG said:


> My daughter doesn't want my XW to go... she thinks it's strange and awkward, and now is not the time for awkward.


Family get-togethers around deaths, funerals and weddings are often awkward for somebody. Situations in college or the workplace are awkward. Awkward is not an excuse to avoid something. Your daughter needs to learn to deal with awkward without you protecting her from it. It's a life skill.

Unless you suspect your ex of having an ulterior motive, I can think of no reason not to let her go. It must be important to her. The other kids learning about loss isn't a bad thing either.

If you prevent her from going,, how much more 'awkward' might stem from that decision?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I would say there's no reason not to let her pay her respects unless your mother doesn't want her to visit. It's a kind gesture, and honestly, I would think it would be a nice thing for your mom to have a visitor during this time. Watching your husband dying before your eyes is highly stressful, and your mom might be grateful for all the support she can get.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I say let her go. When my brother was hit by a car and left for dead and was in ICU, his ex, my ex-sister in law, came and it was fine.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry about your father. It's never easy to lose a parent. 

I would go with how your mother feels about a visit. My ex-DIL was part of our lives for 20 years but if I had been in a similar situation I would have told my son I didn't want her there. Your mother may or may not feel differently. It should be her call. And if the answer is "no" hopefully your ex-wife will respect that and not push to go.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Wow hard question for sure. My x wife betrayed my family and not only hurt me but my father and mother as well.. They loved her like the daughter they never had. So my answer would be an absolute no but if this is something you think your dad would have liked AND your mom and sister are ok with it then let it happen. If the other family members are a no then that should be the answer.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Unless your ex is some sort of drama queen that would cause a hysterical scene of some sort.....I would just let her go. Even if her and your dad were never on great terms as you said they were in each others life for 20 years, that's a history that's hard to ignore or forget.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SFG said:


> Hi all,
> 
> My 90 yr old father is in hospice care right now and could pass away at any time. He had been on dialysis for the last few years and has been declining steadily. His trips to the hospital due to falls and/or other issues had been happening more and more frequently as of late and after the most recent incident, we knew it was time to stop dialysis and let him go.
> 
> The issue I'm having is... my ex wife wants to visit him and i'm not sure how I feel about it. ....


I am not sure it is vital to know how you feel about it. I am sure what you are most concerned with is how your Dad feels and I am sure that will be what you are most concerned with once he has left. 

I suspect it would be good for him to know that he mattered to her. However, it is up to your Dad, let him know she is thinking of him. If he would like to see her, then it is a further decent thing you can do for your Dad.


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