# I have problems myself



## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

I have the other thread, that is more about my wife, but I realize I have a lot of problems myself.
I know I am selfish and an emotionally distant person...I am very bad with emotions, and showing the love that I feel to my wife. I do love her, but I have a hard time letting her know that, and if I don't show her I love her, then I am failing the relationship.
We've had intimacy issues, and I seem to have a hard time getting excited about sex these days, and for a while. I think this is because she is asking me to think more about her in bed, and it seems that whenever I try to take some time, by the time she feels ready, I've lost all interest. I also can't go very long without either being done or losing the feeling entirely (I hope this is not too personal). 
I know I am also very selfish...I have a hard time doing things that I 100% don't want to do. If she wants to spend time with me doing something, and I'm not enthusiastic about it, I find myself drifting off or getting bored. I like to be doing my own thing, and I rationalize it by saying to myself that Ive been working all day, and I just made dinner, and I want to do xyz since I don't get to very often. Then I feel resentment, or irritated, that I am being "forced" to do something else. This is a terrible feeling and rationally I know it is totally bogus, but irrationally I have a very hard time overcoming this.
I don't know what I can do to get rid of this toxic behaviors. I can go for a little time making sure I am paying attention to her, but slowly and surely that selfish feeling comes creeping back in, and eventually I lose to it. It is very frustrating.
Does anyone have any advice or tips?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Keep practicing. The more you act unselfishly and do things just for her, the easier it will get. You have had little practice forgetting yourself and thinking of someone else's happiness. Therefore you don't understand or know why anyone would do it. 

You can manage to carry out unselfishness consistently, you will notice the appreciation and happiness you create and that becomes your reward. You will also get back the love you so dearly need.

Children are very selfish and self centered. What makes them change? When they realize that all of the other people in the world do not exist to serve them that they are separate entities. They further learn that being selfish isolates them, they only have their own love to count on no one else's. 

They learn the power of giving when it is reciprocated. Then they are ready for more mature relationships based upon an exchange of satisfactions. They give and have faith that they will get back in equal measure. 

You seem to be stuck for some reason at an early stage of development. You never seemed to have learned that you have to give and tolerate a deficit, on the faith that you will receive. You have to grow yourself up or be a parent to yourself, so to speak. 

What might help is to read some info on child development so you understand where you are stuck and what stages of development you missed. 

BF Skinner was a psychologist who developed theories on the maturation process from infancy to adulthood. I am sure there is searchable info. It is an easy read.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Ferrier208 said:


> I have the other thread, that is more about my wife, but I realize I have a lot of problems myself.
> I know I am selfish and an emotionally distant person...I am very bad with emotions, and showing the love that I feel to my wife. I do love her, but I have a hard time letting her know that, and if I don't show her I love her, then I am failing the relationship.
> This can be a problem for me as well. I have to work on expressing myself, active communication and accepting my emotions every day. I don't know too many others who need to do this to the same extent as I do, but I can tell you that when I don't do these things, I am in trouble.
> 
> ...


I read Thich Nhat Hanh and Bhante Gunarantana. I practice Buddhism, but these authors address emotions and loving kindness in a way that is not necessarily specific to any religion or philosophy. It is what helps me day-to-day. Meditation is a necessity for me. that is what works for me. I hope you find what works for you.

The good news is that you are AWARE of all the behaviors that are causing you trouble. But as a very wise woman once said "awareness is only awareness and means nothing without action."


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You have to grow yourself up or be a parent to yourself, so to speak.
> 
> What might help is to read some info on child development so you understand where you are stuck and what stages of development you missed.
> 
> BF Skinner was a psychologist who developed theories on the maturation process from infancy to adulthood. I am sure there is searchable info. It is an easy read.


This is very interesting and I never really thought of it that way before. I will look up this info and see if I can get anything from it.
If I think about it, I'm sure I have just never gotten past those adolescent years. I don't want to blame my parents, but I will a little; they never tried very hard to push me to be independent. I think they just gave up after a while. All I wanted was to be left alone and do my own thing, and I eventually got that...but now I don't want that anymore (I want to be with my wife!) and I can't get past it!



luckyman said:


> Are you sexual on your own? Do you masturbate? Are you looking at porn or fantasizing about other women? Any of these things decrease my sexual feelings in a face-to-face setting.


I will occasionally (once a month?) look at porn, and that is also the only time I will masturbate. I want to be able to go to my wife when I feel the need, but I think I am fearing rejection now, or I tell myself it will be too much "work" (since I have responsibilities in the bedroom, such as making it pleasurable for my wife too...an important aside, I have never given her an orgasm) and that's just another thing I don't want to deal with. It is normally not enjoyable since I have all the doubts and worries floating around that get in my way. When I can put these feelings aside, I feel we can have at least an average sex experience, but not great.



luckyman said:


> I have a very difficult time "getting out of myself" and doing an activity that I don't want to do...and when I do, I feel like a saint, like "she should be so proud of me! I'm such a great guy for doing this!" What is wrong with me!! I struggle with this one.


Yes, exactly this! It is really frustrating that I can't seem to control this!



luckyman said:


> But as a very wise woman once said "awareness is only awareness and means nothing without action."


The wise woman who told me this was my wife, almost word for word. I am stuck on inaction. I feel like I am stuck in mud and for all the wheel spinning I do, I can't get myself to go anywhere.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Gentlemen please be sure to read his other thread before giving advice here. He appears to be a very kind and considerate man and I think his wife is trying to convince him otherwise and it's not fair. He's really trying. To say there are two sides to this story is a huge understatement.


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Gentlemen please be sure to read his other thread before giving advice here. He appears to be a very kind and considerate man and I think his wife is trying to convince him otherwise and it's not fair. He's really trying. To say there are two sides to this story is a huge understatement.


I thank you for the kind words, but I don't want to avoid my own fault in this. When we met I was very selfish and often took advantage of her kindness...she needed me to feel good about herself, and I was using her to feel good about myself. The only difference is she was giving what I needed (and I usually didn't acknowledge), but I wasn't giving her anything. Then she finally gave everything she had, and gave up. The situation we are in now is mostly because of my actions or inactions.
I think I am trying to give back now, but it's not near enough to make up for all the lost ground, and I'm getting frustrated at myself that I can't do better.


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## Ferrier208 (Apr 24, 2011)

Reading some stickied topics, I definitely fit myself into the "Nice Guy" category, and routinely fail the fitness tests. I had no idea this is what was going on.
How do you "pass" these fitness tests without coming off like a jerk I'm afraid I would?


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