# Help for a friend



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.

Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP. They worked together - 3rd shift and that’s how they met. Started with friendship, lead to texting and calls and then of course sex and he was talking about leaving his wife and two kids for her. His AP knew he was married and basically really didn’t care. I know the AP and she’s always been a pretty crappy person. 

At any rate, she kicked him out, threw his stuff on the lawn, set some household items on fire in their fire pit, etc. But here’s the big one. She found out where the girl lives, went over, broke into her house and took a baseball bat to her TV and microwave and broke every glass thing in her house. Apparently, the AP was also getting messages from her friends telling her what a POS she is, etc. So now she’s trying to press charges against her for B&E and destruction of property and against her and her friends for harassment. 

Is there anything she can do? Obviously she knows she shouldn’t have gone to the level she did but they’ve been together since 8th grade, and obviously she lost it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.
> 
> Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP. They worked together - 3rd shift and that’s how they met. Started with friendship, lead to texting and calls and then of course sex and he was talking about leaving his wife and two kids for her. His AP knew he was married and basically really didn’t care. I know the AP and she’s always been a pretty crappy person.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately she dug herself a big hole breaking into her house. I'd tell her to find herself a good lawyer first thing in the morning and get ready for possible chargee. The flip side is if the woman officer does press charges and the affair becomes public she's likely to lose her job, same with your friends husband. These are the sorted stories that local press love and government units hate. 

She may get away with no charges but have to pay for damages or something along those lines.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

get a great lawyer!


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I would have to say good job on throwing him out . now for the other thing get a lawyer for the B&E but at the same time let it be known about the affair . hopefully the lawyer will know how to handle everything .


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

honcho said:


> Unfortunately she dug herself a big hole breaking into her house. I'd tell her to find herself a good lawyer first thing in the morning and get ready for possible chargee. The flip side is if the woman officer does press charges and the affair becomes public she's likely to lose her job, same with your friends husband. These are the sorted stories that local press love and government units hate.
> 
> She may get away with no charges but have to pay for damages or something along those lines.


They aren’t police officers but in the law enforcement field. I don’t know how that would affect it if their affair became known to their boss.

If it’s not already. She went rather nuclear.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

niceguy47460 said:


> I would have to say good job on throwing him out . now for the other thing get a lawyer for the B&E but at the same time let it be known about the affair . hopefully the lawyer will know how to handle everything .


He’s back home currently. He wants to make it work, she’s not having it. Long story short, neither of them have any family. Neither had anywhere to go. So she let him come home for now, but making him stay in the basement. She’s been researching attornies since yesterday though. I’m 99.9% sure she’ll move forward with divorce.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

the guy said:


> get a great lawyer!


Joking aside..... isn’t there some defense for crimes committed under emotional duress? She’s generallynthe sweetest, most loving person. Imagining her even doing this is difficult. It’s hugelu out of character.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah dang, my only advice would be to lawyer up but also be prepared to beg the court for mercy. Probably all she can do.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Joking aside..... isn’t there some defense for crimes committed under emotional duress? She’s generallynthe sweetest, most loving person. Imagining her even doing this is difficult. It’s hugelu out of character.


No, not really. That’s what begging the court for mercy is called. There’s not really any defense for premeditated b&e. It is an open and shut case, since she really did it. I hope it felt great, because she’s going to pay dearly for it. The judge may be lienient, but they don’t have to be.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

And before anyone asks, I was not one of the friends that sent AP a nasty message. I used to work with her mom who was my moms best friend. Out of respect for my moms friendship I didn’t get involved in that part of it. Just trying to be there for my friend is all.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> No, not really. That’s what begging the court for mercy is called. There’s not really any defense for premeditated b&e. It is an open and shut case, since she really did it. I hope it felt great, because she’s going to pay dearly for it. The judge may be lienient, but they don’t have to be.


Ugh that sucks. I know she’s guilty. She knows she’s guilty. But I totally understand that mindset. It makes you insane.  I just feel so bad for her and her kids. Like I said, they’ve been together since 8th grade. They got married right after graduation. Not to mention I always thought they were one of the strongest couples I knew.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Ugh that sucks. I know she’s guilty. She knows she’s guilty. But I totally understand that mindset. It makes you insane.  I just feel so bad for her and her kids. Like I said, they’ve been together since 8th grade. They got married right after graduation. Not to mention I always thought they were one of the strongest couples I knew.


One tiny ray of hope....once all the **** has hit the fan, and a few years have gone by, I bet she will remember that moment of bashing that *****’s **** to smitherines and be glad that she at least did something! So many BS’s just wish they would have let their anger fly for just a moment so that some of it could have been released. She may have sort have granted her future self the benefit of seeing herself as a bad ass with righteousness and indignation smashing the **** out of all those useless pieces of glass.

Maybe next time that ***** will think twice before she sleeps with a married man (twist on the Carrie Underwood song in my head).


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

I would tell her not to fall for any of that it's really your fault i cheated or any of the i love you and want to stay with you stuff . you know the mental games


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.
> 
> Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP. They worked together - 3rd shift and that’s how they met. Started with friendship, lead to texting and calls and then of course sex and he was talking about leaving his wife and two kids for her. His AP knew he was married and basically really didn’t care. I know the AP and she’s always been a pretty crappy person.
> 
> ...


Well, she will have to deal with the legal issues, like any grown person would. So that is something that is going to suck for her. 

And of course that was a bad move. 

Now throwing his stuff on the lawn and kicking him out was exactly what she should have done. 

Next she needs to file for divorce and see what moves he makes. 

And you also know that he went over to the AP's house the night she kicked him out, but that is what it is. 

She just needs to be strong, but not crazy and see what he decides to do...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

BluesPower said:


> Well, she will have to deal with the legal issues, like any grown person would. So that is something that is going to suck for her.
> 
> And of course that was a bad move.
> 
> ...


He was outside smoking and calling the AP while she was inside crying.  Typical stuff.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I would assume with the destruction of property that it was a felony B&E charge. What is your friend's occupation? A felony charge on her record can have all kinds of ramifications. I can't imagine the AP would NOT file charges, but stranger things have happened. IIWY I would advise her not to expose the affair unless/until charges are brought. As mentioned earlier it could be an "unspoken" agreement. I'm not a lawyer so take this for what it is worth. Maybe @Taxman or @VermiciousKnid could offer an opinion. I would guess it's just a matter of how severe the penalty will be at this point. The positive side would maybe be an ankle bracelet instead of jail time. Restitution and fines seem certain.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I would assume with the destruction of property that it was a felony B&E charge. What is your friend's occupation? A felony charge on her record can have all kinds of ramifications. I can't imagine the AP would NOT file charges, but stranger things have happened. IIWY I would advise her not to expose the affair unless/until charges are brought. As mentioned earlier it could be an "unspoken" agreement. I'm not a lawyer so take this for what it is worth. Maybe @Taxman or @VermiciousKnid could offer an opinion. I would guess it's just a matter of how severe the penalty will be at this point. The positive side would maybe be an ankle bracelet instead of jail time. Restitution and fines seem certain.


She works in the health care field. Not a nurse but has certifications and works at a doctors office.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

One Eighty said:


> Its not even legal for her to throw his stuff on the lawn or keep him from the house. She is doing so much damage to herself, short term. However, I agree with the person here who said that once the consequences are all met out, she might actually look back on this and say "It was WORTH It!!!"


She has let him back in the home but he’s in the basement. His grandmother passed away and left him the house so it’s technically “his” but they did acquire it after marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I know it was wrong, but I would really love to give her a high five! She did what we ALL wanted to do when we found out! Shame she will have consequences. Hopefully though that had a strong impression on the wench AP. If she files charges, I hope your friend goes nuclear exposing them both. 

I hope she divorces the cheating ass.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> I know it was wrong, but I would really love to give her a high five! She did what we ALL wanted to do when we found out! Shame she will have consequences. Hopefully though that had a strong impression on the wench AP. If she files charges, I hope your friend goes nuclear exposing them both.
> 
> I hope she divorces the cheating ass.


She’s a spicy Latino - apparently she went as nuclear as the movies show they do. She’s joked that’s “just in her blood”. 

She is apparently talking to the AP now. She’s reached out to her and apologized and offered to pay for the damages. She’s hoping that’ll stop her from pressing charges. I advised against it but she’s asking her for details. From what I’ve seen so far she’s giving her some of them.  I told her this would hurt worse but she says she has to know. 

He’s trying to stay, gave her access to passwords, phone, etc. but of course he deleted their texts. I told her to believe half of what she’s seeing and hearing. Told her no one could make her decisions for her but to stay strong. I don’t know what else to do for her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.
> 
> Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP. They worked together - 3rd shift and that’s how they met. Started with friendship, lead to texting and calls and then of course sex and he was talking about leaving his wife and two kids for her. His AP knew he was married and basically really didn’t care. I know the AP and she’s always been a pretty crappy person.
> 
> ...


The AP needs to be reminded that if she takes it to court all of the evidence will have to be revealed in open court. *All of the evidence.*

"So, Ms xxxx, what did you feel when you discovered your husband was having a sexual, adulterous relationship with his colleague?"

And she needs to be reminded that the court will be open to the press. Maybe even TV crews.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> She’s a spicy Latino - apparently she went as nuclear as the movies show they do. She’s joked that’s “just in her blood”.
> 
> She is apparently talking to the AP now. She’s reached out to her and apologized and offered to pay for the damages. She’s hoping that’ll stop her from pressing charges. I advised against it but she’s asking her for details. From what I’ve seen so far she’s giving her some of them.  I told her this would hurt worse but she says she has to know.
> 
> He’s trying to stay, gave her access to passwords, phone, etc. but of course he deleted their texts. I told her to believe half of what she’s seeing and hearing. Told her no one could make her decisions for her but to stay strong. I don’t know what else to do for her.


she needs to take std tests, go to IC and talking to lawyer. 

if they don't have any kids and she asked my opinion, I would tell her just start separation and divorce. these stuff are like cancer. the sooner you start the better chance of recovery. 

so sorry for her pain. :frown2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.


Yeah, but you know how these sly bastards are. He figured he's MUCH too clever to get caught like your 'dumb' husband was. Ain't nothin' better than an arrogant cop. 



> Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP.


That is SO not a surprise. It's why I always refused to date cops.



> At any rate, she kicked him out, threw his stuff on the lawn, set some household items on fire in their fire pit, etc. But here’s the big one. She found out where the girl lives, went over, broke into her house and took a baseball bat to her TV and microwave and broke every glass thing in her house. Apparently, the AP was also getting messages from her friends telling her what a POS she is, etc. So now she’s trying to press charges against her for B&E and destruction of property and against her and her friends for harassment.


Oh ****. I guess laughing boy isn't going to go to bat with the AP for his wife and talk his side piece out of pressing charges. I think your friend should have lawyered up *first *before talking to the AP. Ugh.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

user_zero said:


> she needs to take std tests, go to IC and talking to lawyer.
> 
> if they don't have any kids and she asked my opinion, I would tell her just start separation and divorce. these stuff are like cancer. the sooner you start the better chance of recovery.
> 
> so sorry for her pain. :frown2:


They had only ever been with each other. Being together from 8th grade on, they were each other’s First and only. The AP is a bit unsavory. There’s been quite a few men “there”. That’s kind of what shocked me the most about this whole thing. Her husband seemed as pure as they come. One woman, good family man, no patience for promiscuous ones, etc., and this AP? Well let’s just say she’s the complete opposite. Pretty girl, but has always accurately fit the description of hot d*mn mess.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Even when I told J, I’m a text, he responded with a puking face. When we talked about it later, he said the guy was stupid enough but that he may want to get his stuff checked before his **** falls off after being with her. She has quite the reputation.....


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Has she retained a lawyer yet?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> Has she retained a lawyer yet?


She’s left a couple messages. Just found out Saturday morning, with the holiday she hasn’t heard back. We’re both part of a women’s support group on fb and she asked for recommendations and called 2 of those. 

She’s struggling. Asking me how I stayed and if it was worth it. I’ve been brutally honest but I don’t want to sway her decision. Regardless of anything I still think it’s a very personal decision and won’t encourage either way. I did tell her I wish I would’ve at least separated and got my head right first though.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> BluesPower said:
> 
> 
> > Well, she will have to deal with the legal issues, like any grown person would. So that is something that is going to suck for her.
> ...


Tell your friend to be careful. If they’re in contact somehow, they might as well have conversed to get a story together to hide the truth. 

I hope the details your friend is getting from the OW are real and not fabricated.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Spoons027 said:


> Tell your friend to be careful. If they’re in contact somehow, they might as well have conversed to get a story together to hide the truth.
> 
> I hope the details your friend is getting from the OW are real and not fabricated.


She said he told her everything. I told her he probably told her about 1/8.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The big question... is her old man going to put out enough to keep your friend clean?

This just might be the one case where NC goes out the window and her old man mends this mess your friend created and stay out of criminal court...... just maybe with the right amount of cash and the right connections...... her old man can make this go away before the DA gets back into the office on the 7th..


Hopefully her old man can clean this mess up!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> Joking aside..... isn’t there some defense for crimes committed under emotional duress? She’s generallynthe sweetest, most loving person. Imagining her even doing this is difficult. It’s hugelu out of character.



If her old man doesn't help her out she can check her self into the nut house....that will take 72 hours and it might be better then bailing out of county.


If she hasn't been picked up yet, I'd wait it out and lawyer up ASAP.


I wonder why OW is sitting on this? Why not call the cops right then and there? What is up the sleeve of OW and is she actually covering her own butt......maybe she figures on her and her old man to pay up?


Your friend needs a lawyer to look into it. She can actually retain a guy to just look into it. Your friend doesn't have to wait for charges. I found that it's good to pay the lawyer a little now to look into things rather then wait.


If your friend retains a guy ...they can at the very least see if charges/complaint was made. The second thing is find out what would happen to OW and her old man.


Trust me.... paying a guy to protect you when it comes to the man coming after you for some dumb **** you did is well worth it. If you don't protect your self the man will eat you alive by making you pay and locking you up.


Granted one is going to pay one way or another when they do dumb ****...but at least one can protect themselves from being just another notch on a prosecutor's belt. 


That's my $0.02


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

The OM in my case finally bailed out after I blew it up to his wife, church, our community and it was about to make the local newspaper. We made Topix News for awhile (now offline, due to higher-ups in this country getting called out on their inappropriate shenanigans, ie adultery). Of course the OM’s divorce and property transfer made it in the newspaper the following month. The arrogant, drunk, serial-cheating, hypocrite, POS’s ex-wife just remarried. Ahhh, finally reaping what he has sowed in a life full of poor decisions. Merry Christmas @$$h*/# from me and your ex-wife!

Good luck to your friend. I’d like to contribute to court costs for her if she needs help. The only thing most LE around here serve are their lustful desires.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Talked to her late last night. Apparently she had quite the extensive convo with the OW yesterday. Typical cheater BS, he told her he wasn’t happy, marriage was shot, he met OWs whole family and kid, and even visited her in the hospital when she was sick. Of course she’s devastated finding out how deep it went and of course OW told her more than her husband had. She said they have plans to meet up this week where she’ll pay her for the damages to her house and property. I advised her from this thread to call those attorneys ASAP tomorrow morning before she meets with her. She said OW isn’t pressing charges because she’s terrified of her. I told her to call the lawyer anyway. Anyone know how long she has to press charges?


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

All I can say is if she was my client in this same situation I'd tell her she's possibly in big trouble. This is no small potatoes. Fortunately no one was hurt, just property. If she has a clean record then she shouldn't do any jail time. Maybe house arrest/ankle monitor. If her husband is sincere about staying married and wanting to make things right then he should talk to the OW and get her to drop all charges. It's definitely time to play let's make a deal. That's her best chance.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

VermiciousKnid said:


> All I can say is if she was my client in this same situation I'd tell her she's possibly in big trouble. This is no small potatoes. Fortunately no one was hurt, just property. If she has a clean record then she shouldn't do any jail time. Maybe house arrest/ankle monitor. If her husband is sincere about staying married and wanting to make things right then he should talk to the OW and get her to drop all charges. It's definitely time to play let's make a deal. That's her best chance.


 How long would the OW have to press charges before the statute of limitations takes effect?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> She said he told her everything.


She's new at this, ain't she? :frown2:

The chances that this is his FIRST affair are 50/50 at *best*.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did the meetup go?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He lied to the OW. I think perhaps they could have common cause to really work him over. To tag team him.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> She's new at this, ain't she? :frown2:
> 
> The chances that this is his FIRST affair are 50/50 at *best*.


If it’s not his first affair, I’d be shocked. I was shocked enough about this one. He’s only been in this job about a year, which is when he went to third shift. Before that he had a regular 9-5 as did she and outside of work, they were inseperable. Obviously, I could be totally wrong, I was totally wrong about THIS affair, but I would be shocked. He worshipped her. Who knows. But yes, she’s had no experience with this. They’ve been together since 8th grade. They’d never been with anyone else. Got married right after graduation.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How did the meetup go?


Not sure. She’s gone silent. Last I heard from her was NYE about 11:30 when she text me and thanked me for talking to her and told me happy new year and that she loved me. I text her Wednesday and asked how she was, she read my message but didn’t respond. She’s deleted all social media as well. I’ll try to text her again this weekend, but I went through this same thing where I just didn’t want to talk to or see anyone. I’m assuming that’s where she’s at with this right now.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> A good friend of mine discovered yesterday that her husband has been cheating for 6 months. I’m pretty angry at this - for her and family, but also because these 2 have been pretty close to my husband and I’s situation the last 3 years. So he’s seen pretty closely what this has done to my family and then chooses to do this to his. I’m so angry at him and hurt for her I can’t see straight.
> 
> Long story short he works in the law enforcement field and so did his AP. They worked together - 3rd shift and that’s how they met. Started with friendship, lead to texting and calls and then of course sex and he was talking about leaving his wife and two kids for her. His AP knew he was married and basically really didn’t care. I know the AP and she’s always been a pretty crappy person.
> 
> ...


Time for her crime


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> If it’s not his first affair, I’d be shocked. I was shocked enough about this one. He’s only been in this job about a year, which is when he went to third shift. Before that he had a regular 9-5 as did she and outside of work, they were inseperable. Obviously, I could be totally wrong, I was totally wrong about THIS affair, but I would be shocked. He worshipped her. Who knows. But yes, she’s had no experience with this. They’ve been together since 8th grade. They’d never been with anyone else. Got married right after graduation.


Especially since they had no one else but each other since the eighth grade. Not saying that one-and-onlies don't work, many I know have, but of course there are those with the 'itch' for something different.

And you'd be surprised at how extremely well people can hide it.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

LosingHim said:


> He’s back home currently. He wants to make it work, she’s not having it. Long story short, neither of them have any family. Neither had anywhere to go. So she let him come home for now, but making him stay in the basement. She’s been researching attornies since yesterday though. I’m 99.9% sure she’ll move forward with divorce.


Don't hedge your bets. The greater likelihood is that she won't divorce him. Even letting him back in was the first sign of forgiveness. If she meant it, she wouldn't care where he stayed. Any bridge would be good enough as far I'm concerned.



LosingHim said:


> Joking aside..... isn’t there some defense for crimes committed under emotional duress? She’s generallynthe sweetest, most loving person. Imagining her even doing this is difficult. It’s hugelu out of character.


I think you're trying to say crime of passion because it wasn't emotional duress. But nope, she wouldn't get away with that one either since this was premeditated. Between her own front door and the affair partner's front door, she could have stopped herself at any time, but she didn't. A good lawyer can it pleaded down to little more than having to pay damages. Hoping she can afford an attorney because a public defender will screw her.

Don't think he should have prevented this from knowing your situation. He doesn't know your situation because he didn't live it like you did. He doesn't see any damage. To him, your marriage survived it because you and cheater are still together. That's all he can see.


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