# I have handled everything wrong.



## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

I am new here and desperate for advice and maybe a little hope moving forward.

My husband and I have been married 10 years March together for 12. Our relationship has been plagued with his cocaine addiction and my subsequent alcohol use for escapist measures. My husband, I thought, was agreat guy so I stood by him through some very difficult times. People always said to leave him but I love him so much I never could or would. But as the years went on my standing by him led me to be very resentful and mean. When I started drinking I became an absolute beast. Calling him names and throwing the past in his face.

Well he has always worked but would lose jobs after a year or so. I got a very good job a few years ago travelling and making more money than we could imagine. But I hated being away from our kids. So I trained my husband and got him the same position I had with the agreement we would trade off travelling.

Well he takes his first job and blows one of his checks on cocaine while he is out of town. SO when he was leaving for the next job the day before I went crazy and I think out of fear (who knows I was drunk) kicked him out, and made a huge scene at my inlaws. It was a complete mess. I embarassed myself terribly.

He left and when he got to his location he would not speak with me. He wanted space blah, blah, blah. I begged him to come back he was hesitant and you would have thought I pinched his baby the way he was acting towards me. Out of desperation I booked us a vacation to Florida which was a disaster. We argued and it was horrible. ON the way back he said he didnt want to be with me anymore.

Well as soon as we got home he left again. Continuing to say he didnt feel the same and things have changed and I am crazy.
I kept reaching out to him casually about the kids. Then I would send him an email saying how I loved him. Then I would say I am okay with everything. Then while I was out of town I begged him for another chance and he said I am too controlling and I am trying to control this too. (I have had to be controlling because He could never handle anything)

So Starting wednesday I was beginning to let go. I didnt call If so only about the kids. He called me once (which he never does) about our son. I was getting to a good space. I stopped drinking (actually I stopped that the week before) Started taking care of myself and focusing on my future, when BAM! Doorbell.
Its Husband surprising my son for the weekend for his Bday.

I was so happy and excited. He gave me a half hearted hug, played with bday boy and when it was bedtime would not get in bed. He sat on a stool. He was acting aloof and I said just get in bed its no big deal (it was 2am). SO he falls alseep. Of course morning comes and you know what happens. (horrible)

The night before I asked him if he was moving out he said "im not going anywhere" SO today I ask him about whats going on with us he said its over, and when he saw me he felt nothing, and people just change sometimes and I need to accept it, and it doesnt matter that I stood by him when he had nothing, and he will do anything for me, and he still cares for me, and there is no one else. 

So me being the hot head I am I said to my son your father has something to tell you, and made my husband tell our son we are getting a divorce. Then I said fine get a divorce lawyer and dont waste any time. He tried to hug me I said dont ever touch me. He said he doesnt want to hurt me but he doesnt want to be with me. Then I begged him to just give me one more try he said no and stormed out the room.

Can this get any worse? I have humiliated myself and now I seem like a crazier person than before. What is wrong with me? I can not control my anger and emotions at all.

Does this seem salvagable? If so how? Also Im not even sure I want to salvage it. My ego and (more importantly) my feelings are so hurt and broken. I am an emotional wreck. How could I stand by a man for 12 years and go through the HELL I went through and as soon as he starts making great money and travelling the country he abandons me. I am so hurt.

PLease advise!!! Sorry for all my mistakes grammatical and spelling.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

I honestly think at this point there is no salvaging it, it's your husband who has decided he doesn't want to be with you.
Maybe through counseling you can learn to control your emotions and get a better handle on yourself, then if you still want to be with him, try then, slowly of course. Focus on yourself first. What you want, what you need, everything. Find out what's causing the issues you acknowledge and learn about some you didn't even realize were there.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

It does seem so hopeless.
Counseling is my next step. I know I have made many mistakes, now I feel so guilty.


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## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

Tminus1 said:


> It does seem so hopeless.
> Counseling is my next step. I know I have made many mistakes, now I feel so guilty.


No point in feeling guilty about it, guilt is a horrible emotion that destroys everything else in your life. 

Just go to counseling, figure you out, and who knows, you may realize you didn't really want to be with him anyway.

I honestly think that if you drank to escape and treated him the way you did you didn't want to be with him anymore either. But you're afraid to be alone but it's so different. It's a comfort thing more than a love thing at this point it seems.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Hellioness- You may be on to something there. Maybe he is doing me a favor by making this change that I have been too afraid to make. I have spoken to him of divorce before but only as a way to hopefully scare him into sobriety.

I dont know why but your words put a blanket of calm and peace over me, they must be true. Thank you!

Also, he always got upset over the way I treated him. He said I think I can say anything I want to people. I think I just wanted to hurt him with my words the way he hurt me. I never dealt with the resentment. Very dysfuctional. 

The more I write about it the more I see how this may be for the best.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Salvage what? The good old days of drug and alcohol abuse in order to get through the relationship until either one or both of you could wind up for another explosion?

The thing you miss is the magical idea of who you and your husband might have been. It sounds like you need to detox from the chaos and find some healthy distance before deciding what is best for you and your child.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> Salvage what? The good old days of drug and alcohol abuse in order to get through the relationship until either one or both of you could wind up for another explosion?
> 
> The thing you miss is the magical idea of who you and your husband might have been. It sounds like you need to detox from the chaos and find some healthy distance before deciding what is best for you and your child.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats true. I wish I had found this site sooner. 

There IS something to salvage though. I am only detailing the negatives because I want to expose the problems. Our marriage has had more positives than negatives. But I do hear what you are saying and agree.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

You are clearly a smart and tough lass. Your snowman must have had some redeeming qualities but that's not really relevant at the moment. According to you, his behavior created an alcohol counter in you and you mention out of control anger. Where you are now is very far from a healthy relationship. Find some equilibrium first; relearn healthier ways to be angry and addressing emotions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Thank you Orpheus.

I have a lot of work to do.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

...and, we have lift off!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tminus,

You have had some very good input here and seem to be listening.

As you know the issue with drug users is that they can be very good when they are good and very bad otherwise. It's a rollercoaster.

You do need to remind yourself about why you blew up... he spend an entire pay check on drugs. He finally gets a good job because of you and he blew it all on drugs. So what if you threw a fit. It's nothing compared to what he did. Surely his parents know what he did with his pay check.

Take a look at the 180 link in my signature block below. This is how you need to interact with your husband from here on out. Modify it to have as little contact with him as possible. If at all possible, only interact with him when it's about your children. 

File for divorce. Let him know that you are serious.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Elegirl, thank you for the advice. I actually have been reading other posts and clicked on your 180 link already. I plan to follow it for sure. I have been looking up divorce atty's too. So I guess my head is in the right place thus far.

Yes, I told his mom about the pay check, but she is a huge enabler. It was par for the course with her. The job situation is even worse because it seems as if as soon as he had an opportunity to leave he left. In doing so he blamed ME, saying my behavior, and my attitude, and things he could no longer deal with. I'm like, "huh?". So I spend 12 years supporting you mentally, physically and emotionally and when you get a chance its over? He says he has been trying to reach me for a while, and he has. He has mentioned counseling and tried to talk to me about things, but I just always felt he should stop the drugs then all would be well. I think he wanted me to stop the arguing. He hates arguing. So he says he tried with me already and I didn't change so he won't give me/us a chance now.

I was working on my 180 and doing a good job until be popped up for our sons b-day, that really threw me off and I lost focus. That will not happen this time. I have already made too many mistakes. I really just want this time apart for me. 

I hate that he is being so nice and caring towards me. "Are you ok now?", "everything is gonna be ok." Etc. I just want him to be mean so I can be mad at him. I guess that's why 180 will help me. He has learned over his lifetime how to say and do anything he can to avoid emotional confrontation. That's probably one reason why I act the total opposite. Sometimes I need a reaction that's sincere, not just " okay".
Ugh!

But!! I am moving forward and doing for me now. 12 years have been spent on him, all for nothing. I feel so used. So now its time for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You do realize that putting up with someone's crap (thinking it will earn their love) isn't a good way to live.

And, resenting them because they don't love you (even though you put up with their crap) will make you crazy.

It's called being codependent.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You do realize that putting up with someone's crap (thinking it will earn their love) isn't a good way to live.
> 
> And, resenting them because they don't love you (even though you put up with their crap) will make you crazy.
> 
> It's called being codependent.


I do realize that. I'm my situation we were both in love. I only had resentment for situations in the past due to drug use, not lack of love. 

I put up with his crap because of the love we shared. I looked at my marriage as a life long endeavor. There was never a question of his love for me because as I stated I have been far from perfect as well. He tried numerous times to get me to MC, but as I stated I looked at the problem as only him and drugs. I should have tried MC not just for us but to help MYSELF. I should have taken the focus off of him and taken care of me.

Your point of putting up with someone's crap then resenting them for it is well taken. It took time to get there though. I think after about 9 years I started getting fed up. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Can you let it go?

It will likely require counseling - AND a renewed commitment (to yourself) to stop putting up with other people's crap.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

I want to let it go so badly. I feel like since his visit I have fallen 10 steps back. I am crying now and I just don't now what to do. I want to just sleep my life away until I don't care anymore, but I know I that's not an option. 

I'm still dependent on him because he is constantly travelling (doing MY old job that we agreed to take turns doing) and I need to be here with the kids. I haven't found a local job yet so he still pays for everything. That means I still have to reach out to him whenever I need something and he loves it. He told me yesterday with a smirk that I'm just uncomfortable because I am not in control now. I never wanted to be in control, I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!! Someone had to be responsible. I think he resented me for that.

Anyway, I want to get into counseling like today. I really need it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Tminus1 said:


> It does seem so hopeless.
> Counseling is my next step. I know I have made many mistakes, now I feel so guilty.


:iagree:

Counseling is always a good solution.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Tminus1 said:


> I want to let it go so badly. I feel like since his visit I have fallen 10 steps back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Welcome to the roller-coaster. You have a whole lot of rebooting to do and there are going to be fires in your life that you will scramble to put out.

Try to do little things. Do them consistently. Keep track of them (journalling/blogging etc). And watch the hours become days and things will slowly ebb better.

For what it's worth, alcohol will only make things worse at this point. It will make you over-emotional and is like pouring salt on a wound.

Sorry for your tough day, T-1.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> I want to let it go so badly. I feel like since his visit I have fallen 10 steps back. I am crying now and I just don't now what to do. I want to just sleep my life away until I don't care anymore, but I know I that's not an option.
> 
> I'm still dependent on him because he is constantly travelling (doing MY old job that we agreed to take turns doing) and I need to be here with the kids. I haven't found a local job yet so he still pays for everything. That means I still have to reach out to him whenever I need something and he loves it. He told me yesterday with a smirk that I'm just uncomfortable because I am not in control now. I never wanted to be in control, I DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE!! Someone had to be responsible. I think he resented me for that.
> 
> ...


You two were in this together. It's your dance.

You must own your part of it.

Counseling will help you see it.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Yes Oprpheus, I have definitely concluded that alcohol has contributed to many of my emotional outbursts. I dont need it, nor do I even want it. Thats one good thing to come out of this. I am definitely learning lessons I would never have learned if this situation did not arise.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You two were in this together. It's your dance.
> 
> You must own your part of it.
> 
> Counseling will help you see it.



Agreed. I hope counseling will help me get over the guilt I feel.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> Agreed. I hope counseling will help me get over the guilt I feel.


Do you love yourself?


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

I do love myself. I will admit that a friend of mine said I dont realize my self-worth. I just dont get it though. I feel like I love myself..... Yet I have a tendency to put others before me. I just dont like to be selfish. I just get a lot of joy and fulfillment out of being a nurturer. I am a very empathetic person. Does that negate the love I have for myself?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> I do love myself. I will admit that a friend of mine said I dont realize my self-worth. I just dont get it though. I feel like I love myself..... Yet I have a tendency to put others before me. I just dont like to be selfish. I just get a lot of joy and fulfillment out of being a nurturer. I am a very empathetic person. Does that negate the love I have for myself?


With the amount of anger you harbor towards your husband, it's pretty clear you have poor personal boundaries. You give in expectation of getting love in return.

When that expected outcome doesn't materialize, you lash out in anger.

It's called codependency.

You have plenty of company here.

Including me.

The upshot is this, if you valued yourself in a healthy way, you wouldn't be giving to get.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Well I was giving out of pure love for at least 9 years. I never expected anything in return because what we had was enough for me. I just wanted him to get better. It seemed as if something happened somewhere along the line where everything went to hell. 

I think it was when my mother got him an excellent job at NASA making top dollar with benefits and great retirement plan. He didnt even make it through his 90 days. It was an embarassment to my mother and to me. I think that did it for me. I lost a certain amount of respect after that and thats when the drinking started (I always drank socially, but I USED alcohol after that). It was like the last straw and instead of making a change I just reacted very negatively.

That may not change anything with regards to your statement, but its just a more detailed account of how and why my behavior changed.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Actually, that event of him losing that job is the exact moment when things went downhill for us. I never realized that before. That was when I really started to question our relationship. Then when my respect level for him was lowered to non existant, he reacted by using more too. 

We never seemed to rebound from that phaze, it has lingered for about 3 years.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like poor personal boundaries.

The time to do something proactive about this was back then, not simply lay down and provide loving responses to bad treatment.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Sounds like poor personal boundaries.
> 
> The time to do something proactive about this was back then, not simply lay down and provide loving responses to bad treatment.


Yes, this is true. All I can do now is move forward with lesson in hand.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> Yes, this is true. All I can do now is move forward with lesson in hand.


And, with good boundaries in place.

A good subject for a good counselor.

"I'm not ok with blowing paychecks on drugs"


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> And, with good boundaries in place.
> 
> A good subject for a good counselor.
> 
> "I'm not ok with blowing paychecks on drugs"



:iagree:

About the 180. How can I do it when we are constantly in contact? I just wish I didnt need him for anything now. Like he just texted me asking, "how are you doing today?". Im like why do you care? I didnt say that, but I am wondering. 

I sat there looking at the phone for about 10 minutes trying to figure out how to respond without sounding broken or needy but also not sounding fake or overly happy.

It was when I was reading your post about loving myself so I just responded:

im doing well just focusing on me and loving myself

would that be considered a 180, or too much conversation?

IM SOOO CONFUSED!!!!!:scratchhead:


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Loving yourself is for you; not for him. Next time he contacts you, you could simply tell him that you think it's better if the two of you limit contact to essentials.

You would also probably greatly benefit from looking at the Victim/Drama triangle... but i can't find the link in my bookmarks at the moment.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> About the 180. How can I do it when we are constantly in contact? I just wish I didnt need him for anything now. Like he just texted me asking, "how are you doing today?". Im like why do you care? I didnt say that, but I am wondering.
> 
> ...


One thing to do is to fill your life with so much passion and enjoyable activity that you're not constantly available to stress out over texts


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

An Overview of the Drama Triangle


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> An Overview of the Drama Triangle


Thanks!

I can not believe how accurate a description this is of me. It goes back to what Conrad was saying as well. Its almost scary like, "is this the Truman Show?". Its me 100%. Now like the perfect Rescuer I have grown to be, I feel so stupid now! lol. Im laughing but its true.

I wish I had this information years ago.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a book that might help you on this topic..

*"Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change"*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tminus1 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> About the 180. How can I do it when we are constantly in contact? I just wish I didnt need him for anything now. Like he just texted me asking, "how are you doing today?". Im like why do you care? I didnt say that, but I am wondering.
> 
> ...


I think that you are confusing the 180 with no contact. They are two vastly different things.. though they can be combined to a point.

Generally a person is advised to do the 180 for a period on time, say one-two months. It is not wise to do the 180 (Plan A) for more than that amount of time because it will give the offending spouse time to adjust and learn to take advantage of the spouse doing the 180. If the spouse had not agreed to do what is necessary for marital recovery in that time they move to no contact.

If you look at the links below for Plan A and Plan B, you will find the Marriage Builder version of the 180 & NC. Plan-A = 180 and Plan-B = No Contact.

No contact (NC) is exactly that, no contact at all, expect for what is needed if you have children together. This means that you are better off communicating via email/txt even when you communicate about the children. When drop-offs/pick-ups of the children are done either he does not come to the door or it’s done at a neutral party’s place. He drops off and leaves. You pick up after he leaves. When you drop off it’s in reverse.

What is the purpose of No Contact? To protect you while you detach from your spouse…. If by some chance your spouse comes back with a serious offer of marital recovery then you can consider that. But you will fall out of love with your spouse over time with no contact. If they come to you with an offer of recovery after you have fallen out of love.. Well you will not care anymore. You will have moved on. Too bad, so sad for the other spouse. They took too long and squandered you love.

The 180 allows for contact but contact that has a prescribed type of behavior on your part.

What is the goal of the 180? “You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be genuine when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want.”

There is nothing it that 180 that says to limit the amount of contact, conversation, etc you have with the other person. Instead it tells you of ways to change your behavior so that you are not needy/glingy, not always trying to discuss the relationship, etc. 

While the 180 linked to my signature block below says it’s for betrayed spouses, it will also work for situations like yours.

Make sure you read every word of the 180 at the link… even the part below the list.

You cannot change your husband’s behavior to be what you want it to be. You can change the way you interact with him. When you change how you interact with him, he will change. But you cannot control what that change will be. If he is lucky, he will change in a way that will lead to you taking him back and the two of you rebuilding a good, solid, passionate marriage. If he’s not lucky he will change in a way that helps you move on and leave this relationship behind.

I hope this helps….

So do the 180 for a short time 2 weeks – 2 months. Then go to no contact if he does not see the light.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In the mean time, while you are doing the 180 or no contact, which every you choose... see an attorney to file for divorce adn set up interim spousal and child support.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I think that you are confusing the 180 with no contact. They are two vastly different things.. though they can be combined to a point.
> 
> Generally a person is advised to do the 180 for a period on time, say one-two months. It is not wise to do the 180 (Plan A) for more than that amount of time because it will give the offending spouse time to adjust and learn to take advantage of the spouse doing the 180. If the spouse had not agreed to do what is necessary for marital recovery in that time they move to no contact.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice and clarification.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> In the mean time, while you are doing the 180 or no contact, which every you choose... see an attorney to file for divorce adn set up interim spousal and child support.


Ok, This scares me. One reason is because what if he thinks I have just moved forward and says "f-it" its over. What if that makes him think I am serious about divorce. He has never been the type to like confrontation. Even when I would say I wanted a divorce in the past he would say, "If thats what you are ready to do I cant stop you".

Second, I am fianacially dependent on him for EVERYTHING now. Child/spousal support will not give me the amount of money I need to do what I need to at this time. I am better off just letting him pay all the bills on his own.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Your life is going to change significantly whether you return with your husband or move on. You don't have to push for a direction but you do have to push towards making yourself happy and whole in the interim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tminus1 said:


> Ok, This scares me. One reason is because what if he thinks I have just moved forward and says "f-it" its over. What if that makes him think I am serious about divorce. He has never been the type to like confrontation. Even when I would say I wanted a divorce in the past he would say, "If thats what you are ready to do I cant stop you".
> 
> Second, I am fianacially dependent on him for EVERYTHING now. Child/spousal support will not give me the amount of money I need to do what I need to at this time. I am better off just letting him pay all the bills on his own.


I imagine it does scare you.

You have some choices to make...

You can file and tell him that you would be glad to stop the divorce at any time if he wants to seriously work on reconciliation. A divorce can be stopped right up to moments before the judge signs the final decree.

In some states you would get interim spousal support and child support. Until you get a job you would get 30-50% of of his income plus child support. This is until the divorce is final. A divorce can take months, even years. It's easy to stretch it out. Any attorney would know how to do this.

Or you can do the 180 while you are dependent on him. Then once you get a job you can go no contact and file for divorce.

If I were you, I would still get some free consultations with attornies and check out divorce in your state. You need to know your rights and how things work.

Keep in mind that he has never kept a job long. He will probably squander the job he has now... the one he's taken away from you... that's pretty bad. So he might not be helping you our for long here.

YOu can go get food stamps. Can you get workman's comp? See what kind of assistance you can get. The less you depend on him the better.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Yes, EleGirl, I see your point. 
This board is very good for reality checks, thats for sure.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Im back in panic mode. I have been doing the 180 and having really positive results. I am getting back to me slowly. I am moving forward and trying not to focus on him.

Well since Sunday, I have gotten texts about the kids and household things. I always replied very short but sweet. None of that bothered me. I have been moving along on very well.

Well today he texts me about a bill this morning, then he texts me after work.

"How is everything?"
"My BP was 138/90"

I replied everything is good. That BP is a little high
Okay. Fine then I asked (like the softee I am)

"well how do you feel"

no response, so i retexted that

he responded "i'll be ok" then "im fine"
I detected an attitude and started getting nervous thinking he was mad at me for not craring (I know DUMB!). SO I called him.

I said so are you feeling okay? he says he was dizzy at work and they took his BP etc. etc. He was in a meeting so I said well i just wanted to see if everything was ok, I gotta run.

Then he texts me 3 minutes later and says. Im okay now just taking it easy (like we never discussed that).

So I reply "good take care of yourself and get some sleep I know how you push yourself"

So the he texts me "OK, I need you"

Well I missed the ok I need you until about 45 minutes later because my son and I went bike riding.
So when I get home and see the texts I texts him........"I need you to" 
ughhh!! shoot me please!!!!!
So here is the topper. Then he texts me "when can we Tango?"
Then he says "I didnt mean to text you that" he goes on to say

"I miss u of course thats really true Im not trying to give you mixed signals, I was trying to text P-- because she had something to show me. Im sorry thats not BS. I just dont want you to be sad about everything"

WTF???

So I dont respond at all. I am just like... very annoyed and if you read about my story I am seeing red because I have a huge temper.

SO my sons phone rings, its Dad. They talk and I say let me talk to Dad. (Dumb again)

I ask him "so what exactly did you not mean to text me?" He tells me the story. He said, "Yea I did text you I miss you because I was feeling so bad, I wasnt texting that to P--"

I said "Oh ok. I was just confused, here is (our son)"

Then I text him back "Im not sad, If this is what you want to do then you should do it"

He responds, "OK cool."

What have I done? I was doing so well. All it took was one "im sick" and Im back into him and doing unproductive things.

What do you think about all those texts? I should just say as was mentioned above, "dont text me unless its important". Everytime I am doing so well I break when he shows me any sign of attention. I was doing soo well. 

I think he is testing me. How was my last text? Did that redeem me maybe?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus,

"I'm no longer ok with communicating by text"

Don't think for a minute that wasn't intentional.

Shut it down... NOW

(I don't want you to be sad about everything is how someone talks to someone who has gotten an attendance prize... in other words... PLAN B)

Do not accept that.

Not for a minute.

You have much higher value than that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> Thanks!
> 
> I can not believe how accurate a description this is of me. It goes back to what Conrad was saying as well. Its almost scary like, "is this the Truman Show?". Its me 100%. Now like the perfect Rescuer I have grown to be, I feel so stupid now! lol. Im laughing but its true.
> 
> I wish I had this information years ago.


When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Not a moment before


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

"I'm no longer ok with communicating by text"

Wait, Who said that? 
No one actually texted (is that even a word? I hate saying that) those words.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Who wrote this:

*Then he texts me "when can we Tango?"
Then he says "I didnt mean to text you that" he goes on to say*


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

He did.
I guess I am confused. Explain, please Im under some stress here.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> He did.
> I guess I am confused. Explain, please Im under some stress here.


What he did with that text was intentional and cruel. Your appropriate response is the following:

*"I'm no longer ok with communicating by text"*

If you need to communicate with me, please call.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

ok. I see how you can think that but honestly I believe it was a mistake. If its one thing my H is not its one to play games. Thats why this whole thing is so hard because I know he is the type of person who takes things seriously. 

But maybe Plan B.... Its so hard with our situation. I am dependent on him for everything now. We always have to talk.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> ok. I see how you can think that but honestly I believe it was a mistake. If its one thing my H is not its one to play games. Thats why this whole thing is so hard because I know he is the type of person who takes things seriously.
> 
> But maybe Plan B.... Its so hard with our situation. I am dependent on him for everything now. We always have to talk.


Take good care of yourself.

No more texting.

He has forfeited that right.

I've been there.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Take good care of yourself.
> 
> No more texting.
> 
> ...



Okay, so I think you are telling me I should put into effect that thing caled...???
BOUNDARIES!!! I have such a hard time with that. But I know I have to start somewhere.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Welcome to the wonderful world of good fences making good neighbors.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

T-Minus,

See this link.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-stages-manning-up-im-failing.html#post988246

Read the 8th post.


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## Tminus1 (Aug 12, 2012)

I have been contemplating this texting situation and I do agree. Yesterday threw me off because he never talks about his feelings lately, verbally or through text. I should have just ignored it. Now this has been bugging me all night and morning. 

I am just trying to hold out until I get another contract (work), then I am going NC. Its the only way I can have some peace of mind.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Tminus1 said:


> I have been contemplating this texting situation and I do agree. Yesterday threw me off because he never talks about his feelings lately, verbally or through text. I should have just ignored it. Now this has been bugging me all night and morning.
> 
> I am just trying to hold out until I get another contract (work), then I am going NC. Its the only way I can have some peace of mind.


Impossible to hit the "like" button enough times on this one.


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