# daughter hates her dad



## valium (Sep 22, 2008)

My H and I have had a really bad few years but have recently decided to give it one more shot after years of arguing. We are both trying and it is working but I really worry about the effects on my kids.

Just when this all hit the fan aroudn 2wks ago my daughter told my h that she causes trouble to try a split us up. She does not want me to continue living with him as she has seen what he has done to me emotionally over the last few years.

We were all getting on okay or so I thought until I booked a holiday for next year at the weekend thinking we were getting on okay and it would give us all something to look forward to. We discussed with kids re were to go etc. My h is trying with the kids as well. Anyway after I had booked this my daughter turned to me when my H was out and said I had let him walk all over me again. i told her he was not walking all over me as I want a good holiday as well. She thinks he is just trying to buy his way back into my good books etc. She turned and told me something that she remembers from 4 years ago when we had a bad spell and brought up what he has done to me since. She is only 13. She told me as soon as she is 16 she is out of here, she says this all the time though. She will sit down at meal times with us but will not spend any more time with us than she has to.

I did think what has happened has affected her but until now do not realise how much she hates him. She speaks down to me just like him and I have told her not to bother speaking to me like that but she sees what he does and just continues.

i do not know what to do with her anymore. After yesterday i am also thinking have I made a mistake booking this holiday.

I love my h and would like things to work but feel at the end of the day my kids come first and feel like I have not been putting them first.

Any advice?


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## sidlyd (Aug 21, 2009)

It sounds like you all need some serious counseling. It would worry me how much she hates him and why and at 16 years old she should not be leaving the house. The kids do come first and I see that your marriage is important to you, but that's no way to live. Its important that you value yourself as well as your children. Good luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Get your daughter into individual counseling. Maybe family counseling a bit later. She has a big wall of resentment and she is going to protect you! Good for her! It's good to see her standing up. I know this is not what you want to hear..but look at it this way. She isn't going to be one of the teens/young adults that is going to accept just anyone in her life...she is going to be choosey and have expectations.

However, the resentment is a problem. She can/will make your lives a living hell. She wants him to pay. He needs to work one-one in gaining her trust back...not you. It will take HIS actions not words.

You need to tell her that you love her and appreciate her standing up for you. That it's not necessary because you know the mistakes that you and your H have made and you will try to not repeat those mistakes. You need to let her know that this is between you and you H and that you have learned something from before. She needs to see your strength.


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## JennaRae (Sep 1, 2009)

I agree, counseling is a definate. Maybe she should try individual counseling and then have family counseling together. Kids remember more of the bad stuff than the good. You guys can't give up on her and DO NOT let her come between you two.

Sit down and talk to her. Tell her this is what's happening whether she likes it or not. Maybe tell her that this is the last time you and H are going to work it out (you have to mean it though). Tell her for it to work _everyone_ needs to put an effort into it. Hopefully H knows his mistakes and will learn and not repeat. It may not feel like it, but she is trying to protect you.

Your H just needs to work extra hard to earn her trust. IT will take a long time also. IT kinda sux, but thats what happens when kids are hurt. He just needs to be patient and calm. He just needs to keep at it. Don't let her see that she is getting to either of you cuz then she has won.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

This is her biological father?

My advice is to talk to the girl and make demands of her actions and behavior not to act out against her father and do not encourage her to do so... as she may think its ok to do so by your actions.
And... get her into counseling.
Use your holiday booking money for a both medical and psycholical treatment for her before she ends ruining her whole life... so filled with anger.


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## 1980olds (Dec 22, 2009)

hey there valium,

I am curios as to how things are working out. I find myself in the exact same situation with my 13 year old daughter. I am currently in couseling for myself and just called to arrange it for her. my H was trying this past year to be more involved in both of our kids lives, it made a huge difference with the seven year old but the 13 year olds is very resistant. she did enjoy doing things with him but acts like it was nothing.


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## Hillbilly (Dec 30, 2009)

IMO, You need to be sure that there arent other reasons unknown to you that are causing her to feel that way about him.
If there are no other reasons, then you need to make the daughter respect you both. You are the parents. She is 13 years old for goodness sakes, she should respect you, period. You should be in control of how much time she spends with you. It's not up to her. She should do whatever you tell her.


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