# Husbands affair



## cinders (Sep 6, 2012)

Ok new to this hoping it ll be useful.
In short 10 months ago found out that my husband of 22 years had an affair with a collegue which lasted about 5 months before he ended it. I was informed after he ended it annonymously by text message. Assume it was her as she was devastated apparently. 
The affair came 6months after my husband had been driven almost to the point of suicide as a result of an external issue which was totally out of my husbands control. This issue had a huge impact on our family and my husband didn t cope well, had a breakdown. 
I don t think my husband has done this before, i have been 100% faithful, i don t think he would do it again. For 10 months the other woman has harrassed and set out to destroy both my husband and our marriage in the most vindictive manner, police are involved. 
We have been trying to return to 'normal' since. The problem is i cannot get it out of my head, it is all consuming. I am really struggling to 'let it go and move on'. 
Enough for now i think! Any advice welcome. 
xxx


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Being able to 'let it go and move on' is an apple. Constantly dealing with/worrying about psycho biatch is a frigging kiwi.

As far as moving on goes...it takes time, can take LOTS of time. Keep busy and make sure you "smack" yourself when you find that you are picking your scabs. Remember, you control your mind and not vice versa.

Your situation is compounded by the OW. I would get a restraining order, lawyer, file a civil suit...anything I could in the time it takes to MOVE! Take your life back and get as far away from her as possible. I bet you will find yourself in a much better place internally once that happens.


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## Kanga (Sep 5, 2012)

Dear Cinders, I don't think I can offer much advice, but I can offer sympathy. My story sounds like a less extreme version of yours, I found out about the A 3 months ago, and after some time trying to disconnect from the OW I think there has been NC for 3 weeks. She was quite threatening prior to this though. Hopefully you will be rid of her soon and be able to concentrate on you first and eventually on your marriage. Sending every good wish!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

cinders said:


> Ok new to this hoping it ll be useful.
> In short 10 months ago found out that my husband of 22 years had an affair with a collegue which lasted about 5 months before he ended it. I was informed after he ended it annonymously by text message. Assume it was her as she was devastated apparently.
> The affair came 6months after my husband had been driven almost to the point of suicide as a result of an external issue which was totally out of my husbands control. This issue had a huge impact on our family and my husband didn t cope well, had a breakdown.
> I don t think my husband has done this before, i have been 100% faithful, i don t think he would do it again. For 10 months the other woman has harrassed and set out to destroy both my husband and our marriage in the most vindictive manner, police are involved.
> ...



as someone else stated, get a lawyer and get a RO ASAP if you haven't already

so you know, it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity so "letting it go and moving on" isn't quite simple and to me it isn't healthy nor conducive to proper healing to stuff it into the past. You have to face this head on and your husband in particular needs to be the one to do the heavy lifting to help you heal and regain trust.

I recommend you read the newbie link in my signature please


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

cinders said:


> Ok new to this hoping it ll be useful.
> In short 10 months ago found out that my husband of 22 years had an affair with a collegue which lasted about 5 months before he ended it. I was informed after he ended it annonymously by text message. Assume it was her as she was devastated apparently.
> The affair came 6months after my husband had been driven almost to the point of suicide as a result of an external issue which was totally out of my husbands control. This issue had a huge impact on our family and my husband didn t cope well, had a breakdown.
> I don t think my husband has done this before, i have been 100% faithful, i don t think he would do it again. For 10 months the other woman has harrassed and set out to destroy both my husband and our marriage in the most vindictive manner, police are involved.
> ...


I am having similar difficulties with a bunny boiler OW.

My STBEH does not want anything to do with here, anymore, but she won't give up.

She thinks I am in the way and has been playing all sorts of immature games, phone calls, stalking, lies, etc. 

The police can not do much in the U.S. unless their is physical violence. 

They did call her, but they advised me to avoid the restraining order because that sometimes makes stalkers worse. 

The best thing is a few phone calls from the police. 

Her continued attempts to rekindle did harm my recovery but there were other things my husband did that contributed to me filing for D.

Can you gather proof of her harrassment and ask the police to call or visit?


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

cinders, it just takes time. I am only 3 months out and it's not ALL consuming but it's consuming. However, I got all the details of my wifes affair, I know there is nothing else hidden and I beleive I have most all the details. In essence there not much left to my imagination. Not saying this is for you but I think it does help me. IT also hurts me.

What is it that you can't get over? the whole thing, pieces, the physical part, the emotional part? figure out what that is and talk to your husband about that, or a counselor. Many times I can narrow down what's really eating at me and talking about just that part really helps me.


I am assuming your husband is showing remorse, he's sorry and he's now transparant. 

Sounds like you both could also use IC(Individual counseling) and MC(marriage counseling) You have been through a very traumatic event, it's a big deal and nothing to be taken lightly. Get help if you can.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

cinders said:


> Ok new to this hoping it ll be useful.
> In short 10 months ago found out that my husband of 22 years had an affair with a collegue which lasted about 5 months before he ended it. I was informed after he ended it annonymously by text message. Assume it was her as she was devastated apparently.
> The affair came 6months after my husband had been driven almost to the point of suicide as a result of an external issue which was totally out of my husbands control. This issue had a huge impact on our family and my husband didn t cope well, had a breakdown.
> I don t think my husband has done this before, i have been 100% faithful, i don t think he would do it again. For 10 months the other woman has harrassed and set out to destroy both my husband and our marriage in the most vindictive manner, police are involved.
> ...


I'm so sorry. It must be hard with the OW acting up as she is. It's a good thing that you have the police involved, if nothing else it creates a "paper trail" which may be useful to protect yourself from her.

As others have suggested, it might be a good idea to consult with an attorney about her. Have the attorney review the police reports and perhaps send her a strongly worded "cease and desist" letter, letting her know that, in no uncertain terms, you will file a lawsuit against her should this continue.

Perhaps, by sharing your burden with the attorney, you can relieve yourself of some of the stress; especially the outside influence of this OW who wants to remain in your life and make you miserable. She needs to know that you won, she is history, and you will not tolerate her interference in your life.

Although it does take time to heal and gain trust in your WS, this OW is certainly making things difficult for you and she has no right to do so. Nip her in the bud. That may help you begin the healing process. Good luck to you.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Getting over an A takes time and it takes work. Not knowing what you and your husband have done to work on your marriage it is difficult to give some advice.

I am hoping you have not tried to sweep it under the rug and just move on. You should be talking about this still with a MC. Did he answer all of your questions about the A and was he remorseful. These are keys to a good R.

I was married 29 years before I caught my wifes 10 month A.

I do not want to sound harsh but it sounds like you are making an excuse for your husbands A. There should be no excuses. No matter what happened the Affair was his choice and a selfish act on his part.

I am a little over a year since my D day and I have good days and bad. I still have trust issues and once and awhile I still have mind movies that run through my head.

Try in keep in mind that you are not going to fix your marriage. You are going to have to build a new one.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

What is your husband doing to help you heal? 

I'm sorry you got a psycho OW. BTDT, have the restraining order...

It may be, if your H hasn't gone totally NC with her, or changed his number, email, blocked her, etc. -- that he gets a secondary gain from the drama of her attention. She may be getting *some* of his attention, and is ramping it up to get more. 

The first front this OW needs to be fought on is your husband. He has to have your back. He needs to initiate strong measures of NC -- a restraining order, a letter from your attorney, etc. If he's not doing that -- I would be worried for you. 

You're vulnerable right now, naturally. He needs to find some strength to fight for you. His depression is very convenient. I think he needs to snap out of it and fight for you and for his marriage. And deep six the OW.


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