# Married to a sexual deviant



## hgold (Jun 19, 2018)

Thank you all.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You already gave this POS another chance, stop putting yourself through this. He isn't going to change, so cut him loose.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Divorce.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

The title of the thread says it all. There are a lot of studies that show sexual deviance is highly unlikely to be cured. There have even been stories of sexual predators asking to remain in jail because they know, no matter how much they want to stop they won't. This is not some kinks or fetishes, this reaches the point of illness. The behaviors are likely to become more and more risky as time goes on. I would say get out and get away forever.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

hgold said:


> *I am married to a sexual deviant.*
> *
> He then confessed that everything he had told me, the way he had presented himself was all lies. He infect has traits of voyeurism, would jerk off in public, sometimes in the ocean while watching teens and women on the beach. He would jerk off at work after watching his co-workers, some of which are highs schoolers (he works in a swim school) He would swim under the water to look at them very close before then jerking off in the work restrooms. He would look up women skirts as they sat talking with friends or watching their children swim, he spied on his father & step mother when they had sex for years, he spied on his sister in the shower*,
> 
> I feel so exhausted, betrayed, deeply sickened on a human level at the level of disrespect for women, and hurt. This is so cruel. He lied every step of the way for 5 years. I do not know who he is, I never have.




You are married to a pervert who could HURT your children.... HE COULD. 

He is working in a job where he has victims of his perverted mind... he needs to be FIRED or voluntary quit! 

You do need to leave and divorce him because the hero you married was really a villain... Please... Please...DIVORCE HIM! your health will likely improve.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

hgold said:


> *some of which are highs schoolers* (he works in a swim school) He would swim under the water to look at them very close before then jerking off in the work restrooms.
> 
> He would look up women skirts as they sat talking with friends or watching their children swim, *he spied on his father & step mother when they had sex for years*, *he spied on his sister in the shower*,
> 
> ...


RED FLAGS RED FLAGS RED FLAGS!!!!!

Why is this man, a sexual deviant who can't control himself working with minors?!

Are you sure it is SAFE for your daughter to be alone with him? This man has no boundaries, he has lusted over his own flesh and blood.

How would you feel if you failed to protect your daughter from this man who you brought into your lives?

DIVORCE!! And notify his employer about his history. THIS is how children become victims, these are the sorts of people that should not ever be left alone with them.

At first I would say, if he is a great father - simply co-parent. My parents divorced when I was young, lived in different houses a few blocks apart, I saw them both every day. 

But THIS MAN? This man who has no boundaries, sexual perversions and does not respect women!?!?!?

I am so sorry that this has happened to you OP, but it turns out he was worse than your two ex's, he is another abuser who picked you out to take advantage of. 

Get yourself help so that you can be a better detector of character flaws, and *PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN*!


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

This man has already had more than one chance to be a normal person. He's clearly not interested in changing. For that reason alone, I would file for divorce. 

He also, clearly, has a history of extremely poor boundaries with women, girls, even family members. This is a man who spied on his own sister and step-mom for sexual jollies. There is no way I would agree to have such a person in my home around my 8 year old daughter. _No way._


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hgold said:


> I am married to a sexual deviant. We married 3yrs ago but have been together for 5yrs. The first two years were the best of my life. The most healthy relationship I have ever been in. I thought I found my sole mate. We had deep meaningful conversations about the world, how women & girls should be held up and not torn down. Deep discussions about how he felt the way men treated women was deeply wrong and how it disturbed him at a deep level to watch the way men objectified women and stared at them like they were purely sexual objects. I found a “he for she” and it was amazing. I shared my life, how my first husband died and my second was very abusive. I shared al the times men had hurt me both physically and emotionally and he held my hand all the way. He shared how he felt love is about the emotion and not the physical. How he had never pushed anyone into anything. How he had a deep respect for the world, and the people in it. ~ I was more happy than I had ever been. He moved into my house, we booked our weeding, got pregnant sooner than we expected and we got married with a big belly and my daughter who he said he’ll always care for and love as his own. He even did the vows to her that makes us all melt when you see it on the TV.
> 
> This dream life soon turned to hell. About 2 month after our wedding, 1 months after the birth of our son he started showing creaks. He tried to bring other women into our lives which he admitted to being extremely attracted to, but before he did so he made me feel like I was losing my mind and experiencing postpartum depression to the point that I was about to see my doctor to get medication and help. He then confessed that everything he had told me, the way he had presented himself was all lies. He infect has traits of voyeurism, would jerk off in public, sometimes in the ocean while watching teens and women on the beach. He would jerk off at work after watching his co-workers, some of which are highs schoolers (he works in a swim school) He would swim under the water to look at them very close before then jerking off in the work restrooms. He would look up women skirts as they sat talking with friends or watching their children swim, he spied on his father & step mother when they had sex for years, he spied on his sister in the shower, he became obsessed with porn to the point of not being able to be with me and when I questioned him at the time before I knew, he would say I wasn’t trying hard enough to arouse him. My life was ruined I had married a sexual deviant & voyeur, who has no respect for women and does not even consider the human being in front of him to use as his personal real life porn flicks. And please understand I have nothing against porn, I actually enjoy it and have tried to watch it with him. I have nothing against eye candy if its respectful and not at a creepy voyeur level. He had also been in contact with ex girl friends arranging weekends away which never happened due to their lack of interest. He confessed, after I ripped his computer apart that he had lied about everything about his past, his views, his beliefs, his life, his past relationships (that one is somewhat normal). I married a different person.
> 
> ...


You better run before he rapes or kills someone. Read about people like Ted Bundy or others and you will find many of the same kinds of behavior. It only escalates. Better to take the hit in a controlled environment before you are forced to do it he got caught approaching some kid.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

He had no issue spying on his sister and father having sex... Your daughter is next if he has not already crossed that line... I fear so much for you and your little ones. Please please leave him.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> DIVORCE!! And notify his employer about his history. THIS is how children become victims, these are the sorts of people that should not ever be left alone with them.


I violently agree with this, it is a sad sad truth that sexual predators gravitate to positions that give them access to their primary targets. DO some research on sexual predators I have a feeling he will check a lot of the boxes. I can't imagine the horrible guilt and stress you would feel if he did assault a child at the swim school.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Run, do not walk away from this , I want to call him a loser but he fits the the description of being someone who is unhinged and sick, so in a way I have very remote sympathy for him because he likely has no control over his own impulses. HOWEVER

That doesn't excuse it and it sure is Hell isn't something I would want around my kids or me. He can continue to get help and he can earn the right to see his kids but for now, see a lawyer, get this dude out of YOUR house and then work on protecting you and your kids. I for some reason, don't see him doing anything to his own flesh and blood but if your other child is 8, that must not be his? Sadly, I would fear for that child's well being around him, sooner or later.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

threelittlestars said:


> He had no issue spying on his sister and father having sex... Your daughter is next if he has not already crossed that line... I fear so much for you and your little ones. Please please leave him.


Whoa, I missed that part. Unfortunately, OP, it's not about soley you anymore. You have to ditch this dude for the safety of your kids.


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## hgold (Jun 19, 2018)

Thank you everyone. Although he has confessed to perving over girls of 16+ which is just horrible and sickening he has never confessed or showed signs of anyone younger. I do hear all your concerns and understand there is no boundaries. Father, step mom, sister, there is no natural boundaries, believe me I know.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This guy is dangerous especially around children.
Do you want me to spell it out for you?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

hgold said:


> Thank you everyone. Although he has confessed to perving over girls of 16+ which is just horrible and sickening he has never confessed or showed signs of anyone younger. I do hear all your concerns and understand there is no boundaries. Father, step mom, sister, there is no natural boundaries, believe me I know.


That's all we know about in terms of fact. What he has actually done, we don't know and what we do know about impulsive behavior that is this extreme, is that the extreme eventually becomes bland and normal and will begin reach deeper and deeper into more extremes. Bolder moves, younger targets, etc, etc


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

hgold said:


> Thank you everyone. Although he has confessed to perving over girls of 16+ which is just horrible and sickening he has never confessed or showed signs of anyone younger. I do hear all your concerns and understand there is no boundaries. Father, step mom, sister, there is no natural boundaries, believe me I know.


Sure he confessed, and he has proven to be a master at lying and manipulation. Plus, these things tend to escalate. He is SICK, and should not be left alone with your daughter.

He fits the bill for sexual abuser in every way - so many young girls are molested - please do not let your daughter be another victim. You have gotten the warnings, he has revealed his character - again, imagine if you failed to protect your daughter.

The girls on the swim team....

I am sickened that men like him walk among us.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Everything you "love" about this guy is a lie, so why stay? 

You have children who deserve a mother who will protect them from this kind of evil. Stop with the wishing and hoping and start doing the right thing.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

This man has already totally misrepresented himself to you on every conceivable level. Even if he promised to do a complete 180 and change, he cannot be trusted to do so. Do not believe anything he says. No amount of therapy will make him become the man who he presented to you, which is what you fell in love with. He cannot fight his nature forever. Run. Run now and run fast, before anything seriously bad happens...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Good luck.....best to split while safe.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I hope you take all these warnings to heart. The only reasonable thing to do is split up and get 100% custody. This is a very dangerous situation for your daughter. 

Even if he's not spying on your daughter now, what about when she's a teen? There was a story just in the news about a man in Texas who put spy cameras in his 13-year-old step-daughter's room. He ended up killing himself in jail when the cameras were discovered. No one had and idea and thought he was the perfect dad. But afterwards, the mom said there were a few times that she found him at night "helping" her daughter that was sleepwalking or something weird like that.

I'm sure hearing all these replies can be scary on multiple levels. It may make you fearful for your daughter's safety and you may be thinking what your future will look like. But you have to be strong. This is one of those times that your actions will have a life-altering impact on your kids depending on if you stay or not.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First of all, I'm so sorry that you're here. Secondly, there are loads of great people here who are ready and willing to give their thoughts on this and to try to help you out. 

There are 2 things here that would really bother me if I were in your situation:

1. His treatment of not only women, but all of those around him, including children. It's just not right, and he obviously doesn't have any respect for anyone, including himself.

2. His lying about who he is, his core values, what he wants in life and in a partner, everything. You don't know him at all, which is more than a little scary, actually. Also, he lied about not lying once, so there's nothing stopping him from doing that again.

If it were me, trust would be broken, and once that's gone, it's really hard to get it back. I'm not saying that you should leave him, but if it were me, I would hightail it outta there. Yes, the kids will be devastated, but they can still see him, probably with supervised visits. I say supervised because I don't think a judge would let someone so sexual (and has masturbated to thoughts of children) have unsupervised visits. Also, I would think that if his employer knew what he was really like, he would lose his job. He shouldn't be allowed to work with children.

I wish you much luck, and please keep us posted.


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## hgold (Jun 19, 2018)

You're right


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hgold said:


> Thank you everyone. Although he has confessed to perving over girls of 16+ which is just horrible and sickening he has never confessed or showed signs of anyone younger. I do hear all your concerns and understand there is no boundaries. Father, step mom, sister, there is no natural boundaries, believe me I know.


So your daughter is safe for another eight years? That's no comfort.

Get him out.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

hgold said:


> You're right


Here's the thing, it SUCKS! This is sad and messed up. I understand they he probably has parts about him that are extremely lovable....

But he is broken, he is sick. Often when people are damaged like this, it can be traced back to abuse in their youth.

I am sure he doesn't WANT to be like this, but the fact is, he IS like this

This is how cycles of abuse happen. This is how we end up with generation after generation of abusers and victims.

The fact you have been with abusive men in the past, tells me you probably experienced abuse in your youth - and the cycle continues.

It's time to break the cycle for your daughter. No more abusive or sick men should be in either of your lives.

I really think you should seek counseling for how to handle this. You are going to be on an emotional roller coaster.

I also think your daughter should attend counseling to make sure she is okay. Kids tend to hide stuff from their parents.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Get your daughter away from him as quickly as possible and report him to the police so they gets fired from his swim school job and never be allowed to be around kids again!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I shouldnthave said:


> DIVORCE!! And notify his employer about his history. THIS is how children become victims, these are the sorts of people that should not ever be left alone with them.


Um, if she had no proof of his deviant behavior, telling his employer will not help. She will just look like a divorce wife who is making false accusations to get 100% custody.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hgold said:


> You're right


While I agree that you need to divorce this man for your own sanity, you have a huge obligation to protect your children.

Does he have any police or criminal record? Have you ever had a background check run on him?

You need to talk to an attorney about how to protect your children. Your husband should have zero custody. He's most likely to get as much as 50% custody. That means that they will be with him, without you there to protect them, 50% of the time.

If you have any evidence of his actions, such as any emails or letters that he's written you, then you need to make sure you remove them from your home and put them somewhere safe. Your lawyer and/or a custody evaluator might want this info.

You can force a custody evaluation and tell the evaluators about what' going on with him.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> Um, if she had no proof of his deviant behavior, telling his employer will not help. She will just look like a divorce wife who is making false accusations to get 100% custody.


If an employer runs a school with minor children, and takes no action (at least strict observation) when given information they one of their employees is a sexual deviant who has sought counseling and has been unsuccessful in rectifying his behavior.

Not only would they be accomplices, but they are opening themselves up for liability for negligence.

Times are changing, schools are realizing that they can't harbor Jerry Sanduskys.

It's not like this guy has a desk job - his job entails being around teens in bathing suits (and wanking in the bathroom after he gets a good close look at them under water - or after he snuck a peek up their mom's skirt).

Maybe you are right, she shouldn't tell the school, but rather send a letter to every parent who's children are exposed to him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

hgold said:


> I have a 8yr old daughter and a 2.5yr son. I am financially independent and have a prenup for my house that I had before I met him.


 Then I guess the ONLY question I have is, why the HELL is this pervert still there?

Even worse, I now can't go in the ocean again knowing what the hell this pig is putting into it. I don't know how you can even look at him without throwing up all over him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

hgold said:


> Thank you everyone. Although he has confessed to perving over girls of 16+ which is just horrible and sickening he has never confessed or showed signs of anyone younger. I do hear all your concerns and understand there is no boundaries. Father, step mom, sister, there is no natural boundaries, believe me I know.


 Your daughter will not stay 8, she will soon be a teenager and what then? He has done it with his sister in the shower, and this child isn't his which makes it more likely he will do the same to her what he is doing with all the other girls. 

For the children's sakes, please get legal advise and then ask him to leave. He is sick and a liar and that won't change. I would be very concerned about him having any sort of custody of your daughter, and very concerned about what he is doing in his day to day life and work. How would you feel if your daughter was one of the children he was doing this to in his job?


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## hgold (Jun 19, 2018)

The though of the things he has done has made me physically sick many times.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Your son won't be safe with him either.

We dealt with a sexual deviant once. In working with the DA she told us that to a deviant, "They may prefer girls, but a boy will do in a pinch. Like some men prefer blondes, but will take a brunette also, that's how little difference it makes to them." They want the thrill, the power. They are MASTER manipulators. He likely targeted and groomed you for a lot of reasons, and one was probably becasue you had a daughter. ACCESS. Look how easy it was to convince you, not once but twice that he was a different person. Imagine the mind rape he would do on children! My guess is you know about 1% of what he has done and is capable of.

See an attorney immediately to get guidance on how you can assure he will never get to be alone with your kids again. I am truly sorry you are here. We would love to be of support to you during all of this. Feel free to keep posting.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

hgold said:


> I just don’t understand why he can’t stop and act like a decent human being.


He can't stop. He won't stop. His brain is wired wrong. You need to start viewing him as a sexual predator and not as a good guy who has a bad habit. He is a sexual predator that is pretending to be a normal person.

It's so scary to think of him working at the swim school. With all the access he has to the facility, I can almost be certain he has hidden cameras in the changing rooms. I'm sure most people think his behavior is going to progress and it's just a matter of time before he has opportunity to be alone with a girl. 

It's hard to imagine what you must be going through, but you need to be strong enough to clearly realize that the worse you can imagine about his deviant behavior is probably true--if not now than in the future. Please, please, please, as a parent, I'm imploring you to let the swim school know and get him out of that environment. His destructive behavior can ruin the lives of so many families. 

I would recommend contacting the sex crimes unit of your police and asking them for advice. They have equipment that can scan for hidden cameras. Ask them to scan your house and the swim school. Have them scan his computers for child porn. I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but you need to do the right thing. This is as serious as it gets.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

hgold said:


> I was more happy than I had ever been.* He moved into my house,* we booked our weeding, got pregnant sooner than we expected



For future reference, the bolded above might be a red flag. Where was he living before? Why didn't you get a new place together that you both paid for?

Glad you had a prenup that protected your property.


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