# Ugh! I need a Female Perspective...



## NeedingHelp (May 17, 2009)

Ok long story short... I've always been leery about my relationship. My father cheated on my mother, my wife's mother cheated on her father... and we've had our ups and downs. 

At one point I intercepted a message a few years ago that was from an "online friend" who wanted my wife to call him. I confronted her about it, and end of story.

Now I'm in a bind. I heard a phone ring and saw it was my wifes phone she left. The number is one that has called her phone many times (I'm confident it's a collections call or some such thing). The problem is a message I read on the phone. I know I shouldn't snoop but we don't talk as much as we should and I figured I'd find out what's been happening between her friends.

A co-worker sends her a message thanking her for going to a wine tasting. Not a big deal it's part of her job. But he ends it with, "Love ya".

Now I'm annoyed, angry, and confused. Should I be? Is that not a breach of space between a married couple?

I noticed most of her incoming messages are deleted (as of a week and beyond). Her sent messages are perfectly normal. She's never cheated on me that I know of, and I love her more than life itself. 

Should I worry? If so, what should I do? My biggest fear in this world is losing her (and our son). My whole existence in this world is for them. But I can't let this slide by without mentioning. Or can I? Does it mean anything?

PLEASE help I'm at a loss.


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

So her incoming messages are mostly deleted, but her outgoing is normal and okay with you? 

Well, firstly, I think I would tell her you looked at her phone. But use it as an opportunity to feel her out. Ask her if someone at work is bothering her. She can't control what another person writes but if she's leading this person on in some way then that's not okay. You have a right to feel how you're feeling. I think finding out what's really going on is a good idea! 

What I'm saying might not be very helpful, and someone else might have a much better idea. I would just be very careful when approaching the subject not to make her go into defensive mode, otherwise you won't get very much information. Obviously, you know your wife better than I, so approach the subject, and see what you can find out! Good luck.


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## NeedingHelp (May 17, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I know she talks about this co-worker quite a bit (not necessarily any more than other co-workers) but I'm confident he's not hassling her. She drove him to that event that night as part of the work function (she didn't HAVE to go but she chose to).

So I would think I would be the first person to hear about any problems at work. At least I'd like to think I would be.

I'm just so lost right now. I don't understand the context of the message. I've never said "Love ya" to ANYONE (only my wife when we were feeling the water before I said "I love you" those years ago). I would imagine some people joke about the phrase, or say it freely in a friendly way. I just don't want to go overboard. 

But it's over my personal line... that I would have with other people. I guess I figured it should be for her too. ?



nightshade said:


> So her incoming messages are mostly deleted, but her outgoing is normal and okay with you?


Yes, everything a week ago or longer is gone outgoing... but all incoming still remains. I don't know if there's a purging option, but I have the same phone and I have to manually delete them. I would think the same would go for her phone.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I write love ya to friends, male and female, all the time. I tell my co-workers, "You know I love you!" We are a very close group but there is absolutely nothing more than sincere platonic love among us. We are, in fact, planning a camping retreat together just b/c we enjoy one another so much as people and never get anytime to work on stuff that's important to US b/c we are always having to focus on what is important to everyone else--we are teachers, and we think we have some really good ideas, etc., that we need time to work on together. Most people would freak at spending a week in the deep woods with their co-workers (unwashed, too!) but that's the kind of group we are. Yes, we all know how truly blessed we are. And I can guarantee that not one of us has a "thing" for another. So maybe just relax, ask her about her co-workers as friends, and feel things out. I would think "I love you" or something more personal than "love ya" would be a bit more disconcerting!


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Based on just what you posted here, I think you may be a little overly concerned. In addition, the infidelity you personally witnessed on both sides of the family could influence your perceptions of things. I know I struggle with that problem and I have to be very careful. I now have to consciously evaluate the situation throughly before opening my big mouth and doing more damage. Now days I see the "love ya" used a lot among good friends. On the other hand, if I saw "I love you", I would worry more about that. Are there any other red flags to accompany this? Is she working late a couple of nights a week and can't be reached? Is she going away on weekend trips "alone"? Is she "distant" to you? Have you caught her in lies? Is she dressing differently? For now, I think you should say nothing and keep your eyes and ears open.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

yea I say "love ya" to my female friends all the time, I mean nothing by it, just their awesome friends.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

all this over "love ya" ? and of course paranoia on your part?

what a sad position your wife must be in !!! I can only be glad I'm not her. If I was, I'd divorce as it does not sound like a husbands concern, but a paranoid control freak losing it.


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