# Should I stay with my husband?...Help please!



## marriageinlimbo (Oct 7, 2012)

My husband and I were married 10 months ago and I feel like a made a huge mistake. We have been together for 8 years and have been living together for 5 years. Both of us are in our early 30's and we do not have any children. We have had our ups and downs just like any other couple but recently I feel so hopeless with our marriage and I'm not sure what to do. We keep having the same arguments over and over again that we have had for the majority of our relationship. I convinced myself that if we got married everything would get better. I feel like such a fool.

The number one issue is the lack of respect I feel that I receive. Due to this I finally have stopped trying/fighting for our relationship. I have truly been the most unhappy with him for the last few months and everything just recently boiled over because I could not hold it in any longer. I tried many times to tell him how I feel but he tells me I'm too sensitive and won't discuss anything with me. 

We have absolutely no sex life. He feels that this is the reason for all of our problems. If I were to just give in and have sex with him when he wants it he says he would treat me better. I'm sorry but I have some self respect left and I don't feel like I should have to earn his affection, attention, or respect by having sex and totally disregard how negatively he has been treating me. Believe me I have given in so many times to see if things would get "better" and they never do. So now that's why I'm to the point of not havig sex with him at all. I know there is no excuse for this but I recently got intimate with a co-worker. Only he and I know...we promised that neither one of us would ever tell anyone as we both have so much at stake. We did not have sex but things went far enough. He is having many of the same issues with his wife and we each found so much comfort through each other. I regret it for the simple fact that I am married. Other than that I had completely forgotten what it was like to have someone admire me like that. Now this situation has only added more confusion on to this decision of whether to stay with my husband or not.

I have started making my own plans and really have not considered him in any of the decisions I have been making. I actually look forward to the times he is not home or with me when I leave the house. I envision us divorcing and I actually get hopeful when I see myself having a fresh start. At the same time I feel horrible for feeling this way. Due to this I finally told him that things have gotten so bad for me that I am considering leaving. This seemed to finally get through to him. We had a long conversation about the things that are upsetting to each of us and we have decided to seek counseling. I really want to give this a fair shot but I am terrified!

We have done this vicious cycle over and over again, minus the leaving and counseling part. He shapes up for a few days or a week and then it's right back to where we were. He puts me down, makes me feel bad about myself, and makes me feel so guilty for everything. This makes me become a person I really do not want to be. I have always been upbeat and positive but for the last couple of years I have been pesimistic and negative towards many things. I do not like who I have become and everytime I try to go back to being myself he gets very unhappy with me or my behavior. I feel so trapped and suffocated when I can't be true to myself just so I don't upset him. I am so scared that counseling won't change anything and that I will be right back to this point in only a matter of time.

There are so many other problems aside from what I have mentioned here but I just wanted some opinions on these things first. Thanks for your help!


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## Jclose522 (Oct 7, 2012)

Hi! I feel your pain and completely understand where your at! I am in a very similar situation! But, I have allowed myself to be put down for so long I actually believe it sometimes! I have to be honest, for me counseling did nothing! We went on 3 or 4 different occasions and ended up right back to the same old issues! My husband doesn't let me be me either! He is so domineering and controlling! I guess it can't hurt to try again but I wouldn't get my hopes up too high for him to change! People don't change! That I learned! I WISH YOU THE VERY BEST AND HOPE YOU FIND PEACE AND HAPPINESS!!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

marriageinlimbo said:


> I'm to the point of not havig sex with him at all
> 
> I recently got intimate with a co-worker
> we each found so much comfort through each other
> ...


Unless you can find your way to take personal responsibility for your feelings and your actions it's going to be very difficult to turn your marriage around


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## marriageinlimbo (Oct 7, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Unless you can find your way to take personal responsibility for your feeling and your actions it's going to be very difficult to turn your marriage around


I'm hoping you can elaborate. I do take complete responsibilty for may actions. It was a huge mistake to become intimate with my coworker and I refuse to let that happen again.

However, I am a little confused as to how I am supposed to take personal responsibility for my feelings?? I realize that I am the only one who can choose how to feel. With that being said I am curious as to whether or not you condone my husband's behavior? Most of the negative things he says to me I feel are verbally abusive. Am I supposed to ignore that and act as though I am not affected by it? Thank you for clarifying.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

marriageinlimbo said:


> I'm hoping you can elaborate. I do take complete responsibilty for may actions. It was a huge mistake to become intimate with my coworker and I refuse to let that happen again.
> 
> However, I am a little confused as to how I am supposed to take personal responsibility for my feelings?? I realize that I am the only one who can choose how to feel. With that being said I am curious as to whether or not you condone my husband's behavior? Most of the negative things he says to me I feel are verbally abusive. Am I supposed to ignore that and act as though I am not affected by it? Thank you for clarifying.


The only thing you are sorry about is being married while getting intimate with a coworker. Your marriage won't make it if that is all you are sorry about. That's what was meant. On top of that, you are blame shifting for your cheating behaviors. Justification for cheating is the last thing you will get on tam.

Continuing to not tell your husband that you cheated is frowned on here. The truth needs to be told, he has the right to informed choice about life altering behaviors on your part. You not only risked your marriage but both your and his health. You have no right to keep that from him.


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## Fiddlehead (Oct 1, 2012)

I think it really comes down to this:

If you are unhappy and see no prospect for a healthy marriage, leave.

If you want to suffer and waste your salad years, stay.

Good luck. The choice is yours.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Instead of trying to really work on your marriage you've decided to check out and have an affair.

Please file for divorce from your husband now. While he may be an insensitive uncaring fool, he does not deserve to be be cheated on and disrespected.

You crossed a line. You shared intimate details about your life with the other man and you shared yourself physically. With all the issues in your marriage, how would you feel if your husband had done the exact things you have?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

File for an anullment. You are not happy. I wish you would have gone to counseling before you had an affair. 

Remember in future relationships to try & work out your relationship problems before engaging in affairs.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Yeah, if I were in your shoes I'd tell husband about the affair and proceed with divorce, being thankful that there are no kids to worry about! 

Also, I'd either read some books or see a therapist to learn more about why you stayed with and married someone who is verbally abusive, because you definitely don't want that pattern repeating!!


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Your husband may have done something wrong in the marriage, but what you have done is 1,000 times worse. You destroyed yours and somebody else's marriages.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

marriageinlimbo said:


> I'm hoping you can elaborate. I do take complete responsibilty for may actions. It was a huge mistake to become intimate with my coworker and I refuse to let that happen again.
> 
> However, I am a little confused as to how I am supposed to take personal responsibility for my feelings?? I realize that I am the only one who can choose how to feel. With that being said I am curious as to whether or not you condone my husband's behavior? Most of the negative things he says to me I feel are verbally abusive. Am I supposed to ignore that and act as though I am not affected by it? Thank you for clarifying.


Hi marriageinlimbo,

Here is a quote from Dr's Cloud and Townsend who pioneered the concept of "boundaries" in relationships:

"Responsibility tells us we are the ones who must work through our feelings and learn how to feel differently. Our attitudes-not those of our spouse-cause us to feel distressed and powerless. How we behave and react is part of the problem and we have to change these patterns. We allow ourselves to get pushed beyond certain limits and then become resentful or powerless. We do not turn desires into accomplished goals, or we do not deal with our sick desires." 

With all due respect, we can't condone or not condone your husband's behavior since we don't know anything about it except that you judge it to be abusive. My advice to anyone in an abusive relationship is to leave immediately (like later today) and get yourself out of harm's way. You've made the call, now it the time to gather yourself and act on it.


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## marriageinlimbo (Oct 7, 2012)

Thank you for all of your responses. It has given me a lot to think about. We have our first counseling appointment this week and I have very mixed feelings. Ever since I brought this up to my husband he has been attentive and supportive. It really makes part of me believe he will change but it never has in the past. I know I have a lot to work on too. All we can do is try, right? I don't feel like it's time to give up like many of you recommend.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

marriageinlimbo said:


> Thank you for all of your responses. It has given me a lot to think about. We have our first counseling appointment this week and I have very mixed feelings. Ever since I brought this up to my husband he has been attentive and supportive. It really makes part of me believe he will change but it never has in the past. I know I have a lot to work on too. All we can do is try, right? I don't feel like it's time to give up like many of you recommend.


I suggested annullment because of your original post. You sounded miserable & the marriage is only 10 months. If you want to stay married & work on the marriage, I hope it all works out for you. Please stay away from other men while you work on your marriage. Many will take advantage of your situation & try to use you for sex.

Good luck!


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## marriageinlimbo (Oct 7, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I suggested annullment because of your original post. You sounded miserable & the marriage is only 10 months. If you want to stay married & work on the marriage, I hope it all works out for you. Please stay away from other men while you work on your marriage. Many will take advantage of your situation & try to use you for sex.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you for the great advice. I am very unhappy in my marriage as you read in my original post. However, I am being pulled in so many different directions. Part of me really wants to make my marriage work while the other part is terrifed to try and worried that it will be only a matter of time before we get back to this same place. I feel as though I owe it to my marriage to give it one last try. I am very confused...

How long do I give it to see if will work or not? Any further suggestions would be welcomed and appreciated. Thank you!


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I think, regardless of the other issues, for this relationship or the next, you should better understand what sex means to many men (and women). (Not that you've done something wrong, just that your explanation of your sex life seems typical of people who do not connect because they do not understand each other's emotions.)

Many people do not understand love without sex - i.e., without a fulfilling sex life it feels like a person's partner is not in love with him and does not care about him. And when I say "sex" I do not mean the occasional obligatory "ok, lets do this," I mean a general continuous display of passion. Without this connection, your H may be feeling emotionally empty and this typically manifests in resentment and anger (thus, his treatment of you). He may not be aware of the reasons and you may not be, but your situation sounds faily typical of a sexually mismatched couple.

Your marriage sounds like one of those chicken or egg situations, did it start to devolve when sex did, or did sex devolve when the emotional connection did?

The solution to this is understanding what you both feel and need and understanding where the anger comes from.


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## marriageinlimbo (Oct 7, 2012)

SprucHub said:


> I think, regardless of the other issues, for this relationship or the next, you should better understand what sex means to many men (and women). (Not that you've done something wrong, just that your explanation of your sex life seems typical of people who do not connect because they do not understand each other's emotions.)
> 
> Many people do not understand love without sex - i.e., without a fulfilling sex life it feels like a person's partner is not in love with him and does not care about him. And when I say "sex" I do not mean the occasional obligatory "ok, lets do this," I mean a general continuous display of passion. Without this connection, your H may be feeling emotionally empty and this typically manifests in resentment and anger (thus, his treatment of you). He may not be aware of the reasons and you may not be, but your situation sounds faily typical of a sexually mismatched couple.
> 
> ...


Thank you for putting this into some perspective for me. I agree with everything you said. It really makes me question if my H and I have ever had the emotional connection that you speak of. At least for me our sex life, when we had one, felt more like a physical connection than an emotional for the majority of our encounters. I believe that my H would say the same thing. Is the emotional connection something that we can work on or is it one of those either you have it or you don't kind of things?


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

I think an emotional connection is something you can work on if there is a solid foundation of respect and understanding. You both must be willing to both understand and communicate what you need in a relationship to be fulfilled and to be willing to give the other person what he/she needs.


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