# Would You Stay?



## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

I'm glad I found this forum. This topic is not something I don't like to talk to my friends and family about. Any input is appreciated. I'll try to be concise.

Together for about 15 years, married for about 10. Young when we met, both had promising jobs, one young child.

So… where to begin. I love my hubby but I have serious feelings of resentment. Things have been very strained over the past 4 years or so. His promising career has dwindled down to nothing. He goes thru many jobs and frequently has issues with his bosses. He claims it's his industry and wants to switch careers. Somehow though all his friends at all these jobs have managed to keep working somewhere.

He got fired when I was pregnant. He said he wasn't being treated well and that day decided to see how far he could push things and got canned! He has had one job since then and has spent a lot of time and money trying to turn a hobby into a career, we have seen very little money from it.

All I can say is that although I love him I am very disappointed in him. I carry a lot of stress being the breadwinner and the one who has to keep a steady job. I work all the time and work side jobs too. I pay all the bills or they wouldn't get paid on time and try to plan/save for retirement since he has NOTHING saved. He has spent his 401k on various "important" things over the years. 

As I write this it seems very clear to me that I am insane to stay. But I believe in my vows and I don't think it's right to turn my back on him. I'm just starting to wonder if I'm being taken advantage of. We also have a child and it breaks my heart to think about changing his life. 

I find myself longing for a man who will just take care of me… not that I want to stop working… but just to feel taken care of, you know? Someone who is planning for our future and not just saying "no one can afford to retire anymore." Sorry but I want to! 

Thanks for reading-


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What's his story?


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Let me see if I can fill in some blanks. 

His parents divorced when he was really young. Mom took off and really didn't see him for a long time. Mom spends like there's no tomorrow, dad is a saver. Dad has lots of money but never spent much in my hubby, step kids got a lot. I think that's where his bad spending habits come from. 

Hubby got into trouble as a kid, flunked out of CC because he says he wasn't allowed to go to school for what he wanted. He later tried to follow in his fathers footsteps career wise and his father didn't seem very pleased. I think this is why he's given up on this career. You would normally see father and son working together.

Does that help at all?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

I understand you don't want to break your vows. He is not pulling his weight and it is perfectly normal for you to expect him to. He has made life changing decisions (pushing & getting fired with no backup & a pregnant wife) which have had a dramatic impact on you and your family. I'm going to assume you have kept your finances separate.

I would talk to a lawyer first. I'm definitely not advocating separation or divorce, but as the primary breadwinner, you need to know how it would impact you. Is counseling an option?


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## Workingallthetime (Oct 1, 2012)

Your post almost seems like my own life. I also feel resentment towards my husband, mostly due to financial reasons. We've been married for three years and have a young child. Since I first met my husband he has only taken odd jobs here and there, whatever he can get in his very competitive chosen field, but has not made enough money to support us or even pay for his half of the shared expenses. Early in our relationship (before we got married) he borrowed a large sum of money from me, acted very grateful and told me he would pay it back, but I've yet to see any money returned to me. For the past few months he's had a part time job, which he's now lost. I work hard to support us, but barely make enough to make ends meet and rely way too much on the kindness (read charity) of relatives. Reading my own description of our relationship, I now feel like a moron for not leaving him.
I do, however, have a very valid reason for not leaving him; we come from different countries and I fear that if we separate he'll go back to his own country and want shared custody of our child. I cannot handle the idea of our child spending six months out of every year on the other side of the world.
I'm sorry I'm not offering any advice as I am myself very confused as to how to handle this situation. I want to regain the joy of our early years together, but I fear that our finances will always get in the way of our happiness. I just thought that maybe you would feel reassured knowing that others are going through similar situations. At least I know that I felt better after reading your post.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If having unequal incomes was a valid reason to divorce, hardly any men would stay married.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

would I stay? I did stay, in exactly the same situation as you. He never stuck anything out for longer than 18 months, it was always someone else's fault when he left a job, every new thing was going to be 'the one' that made everything ok.

Except it never was because his inherent attitude to money was 'if we've got it we can spend it'. Had to have every new gadget and the best of everything because it was all for show. I put up with it because I earn good money, we were perfectly well off and he at least contributed something

Problem with being the stable, sensible one is that he hated being told that we couldn't do something because we didn't have the money, despite the fact that he couldn't pull his finger out and ensure we DID have the money. I spent 13 years trying to keep our head above water - if I hadn't we'd have been bankrupt

I can only speak from my experience but when he left it was a blessed relief from a financial perspective. I'm in credit every month and don't have to worry about someone pissing it up the wall and then complaining if I say anything

He has no pension, no assets, nothing except the money I gave him to buy him out of the house. But it's no longer my problem

I can't tell you what to do because I stayed against my better judgement and would have carried on, probably being destitute at an old age. The likelihood that he'll change his attitude to money is slim all the time you're there to bail him out, but what else do you do when you're married? Fast forward 20 years - is anything going to be different?


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Thanks for the comments, advice and insight. 

I think his attitude towards money is changing a bit. He does realize some things he did in the past were really dumb. But at the same time if he was really waking up wouldn't he want to work and go to school so we would be in better shape financially?

I have to say just posting here has been a big help. Writing everything down helped me sort a lot of things out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It will ALWAYS be someone else's fault. You're a fool to think he will change (no offense).

Tell him to get out, you want a separation. Let him see what it's like to have to depend on HIMself and not you. Maybe that will be the wakeup call he needs. Maybe. 

But if you let him stay, he will continue to be a sponge. Because you let him.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

I just found a 10K credit card bill. I understand, except that my husband works alot, and works hard, and makes good money. But he spends even more then he makes. I'm upset over the money - but more upset over it being hidden. I work 1 full time and 2 part time jobs to help out and then find out that he did this to me and our two young girls. I agree with dollystanford that I would be better off financially without him. And as turnera says, the only way to make him change is to make him take care of himself. You love him, but does he love you?


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

I wish I could give you sound advise, but it feels like you (and a few others on here) are living my life. I'm a relatively newlywed. My husband is an unqualified over-achiever. His education is not the greatest; not to be mean but he's just not qualified to do the jobs he wants to do, yet he doesn't want to do a job that he can do. I found him a lot of "blue collar" jobs that he can do where he can earn enough to support himself, but he doesn't want to do that. He wants a "white collar" office job, but he doesn't have any degrees or diplomas or certificates, or even the experience to qualify him to get one. I found him a few certificate programs that would help him get to where he wants to be but he couldn't enter the program because he failed the HighSchool English test he had to pass to get in. Now if it were me I would practice my butt off until I'm sure I can pass the test, and then I would give the test again. Not so him. He wants the job handed to him without any effort on his part. 

I graduated in IT and have been working in my field full time for almost 10 years (since co-op days) and I'm back in school finishing another degree because I want to move into other areas of business. I earn good money, but I want to switch fields and I want to earn more, so now I'm working full time and I'm also taking full time classes (let's not get into how I'm managing that), so I can do that. I'm killing myself to do better for us... and it's killing me (and my feelings for him) to see him do nothing. 

I got him a job at a restaurant where he is hourly paid. He complains when he gets good hours and he complains when he doesn't. He needs money badly but he refuses to do any of the jobs he actually can do. He thinks those jobs are beneath him, yet he doesn't try to attain what he thinks he deserves. 

I know this isn't helping you, but I just want you to know you're not alone. This might sound bad but I feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this... Best of luck and please do share if you figure out how to handle this situation. I know I could use the advise.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

becky, stop 'helping' your husband. Let him fall flat on his face. Stop giving him money. Do not fund anything he does or wants. For now, your money is YOUR money. If you go on trips, not until he has ponied up half the money. If he wants something, let him work for it. And if he's not happy with what he can afford, it will give him impetus to get off his butt. Or not. Either way, it's no longer your problem.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

love2laugh said:


> But at the same time if he was really waking up wouldn't he want to work and go to school so we would be in better shape financially?


This is absolutely 100% true.

I read your earlier post and saw you said that he should have a job because all his friends have jobs. I was about to note that you can't say this. You really don't know that's true, and you don't know under what circumstances they got those jobs (i.e. huge pay cuts, maybe have to commute four hours a day, etc.).

Companies do press people to see who can/will vs. cannot/will not cope. Some companies routinely fire a certain cut of employees (like grading on a curve). Some (like my old one) choose to lay-off longer-tenured but productive employees to shake things up for the remaining. Even the good companies can do this when management changes or harder times hit. Believing otherwise is naive.

But, it really seems like you want him to be a long-term contributor, and that seems reasonable. My old speciality was (and is) shrinking. I saw the writing on the wall and went back to school for a Master's in a different field, and got a job in a growing industry. I'm not saying everyone has what it takes to do that (less than 10% have a Master's or higher). But there's no reason he can't work to the best of his ability.

My only caution to you is that you cannot expect a certain income level out of him. A consistent effort should be his goal.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, it shouldn't be about the income level. It should be that he takes pride in working and providing. Just as you do. If that component is missing, you have a problem.


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## Navy3 (Apr 27, 2012)

wow! so close to my own problems with my husband & his terrifying attitude to money.

looking back allsorts of things are popping to my mind...like the time we took our 2 little kids on holiday(live in the UK holiday was in the UK at a B&B nothing grand). part way through the wk funds were running low,he suddenly produced cash,worried i asked was he sure it was ok to spend it? he assured me it was,got home,the cash had been the next weeks shopping/food £!!.

In 2006/2007 he secretly ran up credit cards to £25 thousand! he bullied me into a huge secured loan of £50k (lots of rows,pleading,shouting,sulking etc). i gave in & signed it on the promise from him - " no more cards ever i promise". he paid the £25 bill off. 

2010/2011 he'd ran up debts over £50 thousand! he has never ever "owned up",i always find out by a 3rd party ie mortgage not paid.
he was/is so domineering about £. i have a disability. he'd make out i didn't need to "bother myself" with all that,"you've got enough on your plate,let me look after you". i didn't even have money to buy milk. any attempts to talk to him ended in a row.
this last time he'd even set up a overdraft on our joint account that i had no idea about. it was thousands overdrawn!!!

we ended up facing Bankruptcy (BR) AGAIN. in the end my parents stepped in & lent me £ to do a Full & Final IVA which went through.
we are in the process of repaying them back,it's been very hard.

the big issue now for me is that i am actually terrified of "getting straight" with money . the safe time is when he can't get credit. 
i've looked arund on the net & from what i've read i believe i've experienced Financial Abuse/Infidelity. it is classed as a form of domestic violence. i'm sad to realise how much control he's exercised over me. i've been so tearful& angry. he NEVER asks me what i think about getting another card,a loan,overdraft etc but i realise he expects me to ALWAYS help him mop up his mess & stand by him. 
my disability means i need help,he's made me feel very aware of how he has taken advatage of me. to see the slyness of him has made me feel so sad. he told me i'd signed the papers for the bank overdraft,i was so puzzled,i couldn't remember - he had me thinking i was loosing it. he has just confessed he set it up himself online!!!!!!!! how could he play on my mind like that?

i went to my dr this week-thinking i'm depressed & poured it all out to her. my dr said she doesn't think i am depressed it's all a result of the situation i'm in.she was shocked because on the outside he looks so supportive & kind & i suppose so good helping his disabled wife. she said he needs counselling. i talked to him &he's agreed to go & talk to my dr with a view to setting up someone to talk to. 

from what i've read on line it suggests getting your own bank account,i've applied for a account so that if he starts it all up again i can have my money paid in my own account & keep myself seperate from him. I'm saving up odd bits of money,even spare change. i've told my Dr & him i can't take any more & that i will go BR myself next time so creditors will just chase him. 
i don't know how i can get to the building society to put my £ away,i don't want him to see it.

it feels so awful. i watch/listen to him saying all these things -
"i'll never do it to you again,i promise". "no more cards,ever,credit cards are evil","i've never promised you like i have this time","this time is different to the last time..." i've heard it all before. seen the little boy lost look,it's worn thin.

i hope he will get help & sort himself out. i love him but i will never ever trust him in the same way now. life feels so empty,i have nothing to look forward to. i need to be in a bungalow because of my disability,there's no way with all this debt.
i am scared to death that he will do it again & i will have to follow through with what i've said,if i don't follow it through he'll be repeating it all the time,my acceptance will be giving him the permission.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your post indicates he's gone through many jobs. This isn't like he's sitting on the couch watching Sesame Street. He's working and we're in a Recession. My grandparents were married through the Great Depression. Close to 20 million people are unemployed or underemployed in the States. Just tossing this out there... maybe he wouldn't be quite so vulnerable to perceived disrespect at work if his ego was fed at home. With dozens, maybe hundreds of applicants waiting to take a job, there's little incentive for an employer to blow powder sugar up someone's behind. I personally believe we haven't seen the worst, yet. If your marriage can't weather financial discomfort, what happens when you're faced with financial devastation or (heaven forbid) the loss of a child? This isn't you against him. This is a couple problem and it needs to be faced as such. What can he do to be more resilient at work? What can you do to help him man-up?


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## Pseudonymousse (Oct 3, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Your post indicates he's gone through many jobs. This isn't like he's sitting on the couch watching Sesame Street. He's working and we're in a Recession. My grandparents were married through the Great Depression. Close to 20 million people are unemployed or underemployed in the States. Just tossing this out there... maybe he wouldn't be quite so vulnerable to perceived disrespect at work if his ego was fed at home. With dozens, maybe hundreds of applicants waiting to take a job, there's little incentive for an employer to blow powder sugar up someone's behind. I personally believe we haven't seen the worst, yet. If your marriage can't weather financial discomfort, what happens when you're faced with financial devastation or (heaven forbid) the loss of a child? This isn't you against him. This is a couple problem and it needs to be faced as such. What can he do to be more resilient at work? What can you do to help him man-up?



That's such a good post! And a great view 'as a couple' instead of 'as a victim'. You're so right! Before thinking of giving up and throwing in the towel, we need to try and view the issue as both of our problem (instead of him being the problem) and figure out a solution from there.


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## love2laugh (Sep 16, 2012)

Many good points.

I understand that I shouldn't make this me against him but it's hard to feel like a team when one of you is really not thinking about the future.

When I ask myself would I marry him again knowing what I know now the answer is no. I've supported him financially thru many new (bad) ventures because I believed in him and wanted him to be happy. 

What a mess. Half the time I feel like I'm playing house in some bizarre dream. A dream world where I have to work my a** off and he gets to do whatever he wants. Not what I thought marriage would be like!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then get out of it. Make him earn you back.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

love2laugh said:


> Many good points.
> 
> I understand that I shouldn't make this me against him but it's hard to feel like a team when one of you is really not thinking about the future.
> 
> ...


Is he in IT (or, is he a software professional)?


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

You all may hate me for saying this, but I think this thread is sad. I mean really!? These posts herein is all about bashing husbands. You all should be ashamed of yourselves. My goodness. How about pointing the finger at yourself. No wonder your husbands have such a hard time in their jobs, because you wives do not give them the respect they need. You will find that when you encouraging and respect him, he will be more motivated to find a job. And when he finds that job, if you are still encouraging and respecting him, I would bet he would be more prone to stay with that job.

I think a lot of you ladies need to remember what commitment is all about and not take lightly this wonderful and glorious thing called marriage. Have you forgotten your marriage vows...through richer or poorer. Maybe you didn't mean that at the time. Maybe there were stipulations added to it.

No, you wives are not respecting your husbands by putting them down herein...not at all. It breaks my heart that you would use such degrading words to speak about your husbands. Instead of looking at the negative and taking it to extreme, about pondering divorce, how about focusing on answers and work on your marriage together?

I am not sticking up for your husbands either in regards to staying out of a job or allowing their wives to bring in the support. I don't buy into the cop out line of, "I can't find a job." If anyone dedicated himself to spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week in search of a job, he would find one really fast. Yes, I understand that your husbands are discouraged from looking and don't put the time in it as they should. And I am sure it would help greatly if they knew they had their wive's emotional support, encouragement, and respect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

meh

If EITHER spouse spends the entire marriage coasting and letting the other support them, they deserve to be trashed.


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## Michael A. Brown (Oct 16, 2012)

Try to help your husband to search a stable job.


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## FryFish (Sep 18, 2012)

lol @ the ladies in this thread who arent out bashing stay at home wives/mothers...


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