# Am being totally unrealistic when I think?



## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

I want my wife to respect me as a Man
I want my wife to be in love with me
I want my wife to give me random kisses
I want my wife to give me hugs
I want my wife to physically touch me out side of the bedroom
I want my wife to desire me sexually 
I want my wife to playfully grope me outside of the bedroom
I want my wife to verbally desire me outside the bedroom
I want my wife to not be sexually inhibited, to be trusting and vulnerable in the bedroom
I want my wife to want to please/ pleasure her husband

Why would I think after 22 years of Marriage that these things are still possible?
Am being totally Unrealistic with myself?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Has she seen that list? have you seen hers?


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Lon said:


> Has she seen that list? have you seen hers?


Should i show it to her and ask her for hers to get the dialog going? Seems like every time we talk we end up arguing. last night i told her we were going to try MC again.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes, show it to her. But before showing it to her, I think you should be able to answer what each of those things LOOK like. Examples. Because what she thinks of respecting you as a man may be different than what you are thinking. 

I like your list. That was everything that I wanted from my ex.... and no, I didn't get any of it. And I THINK, I gave all that. I do know that NOW, I give and get that in my current marriage...and we both say "Now this is how it's SUPPOSED to be!" Just saying all that to let you know, that is what we ALL want. And apparently it IS attainable!

It's a great start! Good Luck!


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Wow! I would do that for my husband of 10 years (2nd marriage) but he really doesn't appreciate it when I do  I like your list!!!


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

Hey Frustrated,
you are not unrealistic at all! Hey guess what this is exactly the reason why so many guys start an affair! I'm not suggesting it, just saying.
I think your wife lost whats called "sexual attraction" to you. It has nothing to do with your performance, it's a mental thing.
Hey listen, just a question: have you hinted to your wife (with your actions or just talking to her) that there are OTHER females that find you attractive? A little jealousy might work.

Good Luck!

Mike


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## BleepingFamily (Jul 30, 2011)

...Would love to know what the arguments are about.



frustated said:


> Should i show it to her and ask her for hers to get the dialog going? Seems like every time we talk we end up arguing. last night i told her we were going to try MC again.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

All thinking is unrealistic, at least relatively, when compared to feeling.
It's like an apology. You can ask for it, but once having asked, and received it, it takes away from it for having asked. It will not feel the same even if you get it.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Lon said:


> Has she seen that list? have you seen hers?


I sent her the list and she sent me hers.

From my wife
I want my husband to take care of me emotionally not just financially. I want my husband to respect me. 
I want my husband to think of his family first and not himself. 
I want my husband to care about my feelings weather I am happy or sad or upset. 
I want my husband to be my rock and know I will always feel safe and taken care of.
I want my husband to be loving and just want to hug me with out it always turning to a sexual thing .
I want my husband to be understanding of our feelings. 
I want my husband to be a good role module for his children. 
I want my husband to take care of himself and not drink everyday and consider trying to stop smoking.
I want to have fun and laugh with my husband. I want to be all those things to you too and I am trying but it has to go both ways.


I can't help but notice that my list is all about Intimacy, Romance and Sex. The only time she mentioned sex was in a negative context. and she ends with a bit of an ultimatum.


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## dbg19891 (Aug 3, 2011)

Pretty realistic in my view overall. A bit heavy on the 'understanding' piece. Focus more on deeds and not needs. On the smoking thing. I'm not a smoker, but I do love my Cope. I can tell you. I stopped when my wife stopped coercing me to stop and when I knew I had the inner strength to do so. The outside influence actually drives a nicotine user to use more.. ie.. smoke more, not less. just a tip.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustated said:


> I sent her the list and she sent me hers.
> 
> From my wife
> I want my husband to take care of me emotionally not just financially. I want my husband to respect me.
> ...


Have you ever explored "The Five Love Languages" with each other? Home - The 5 Love Languages® You can go to this site and take a quick quiz to find out what 'language' you are (I think yours will be easy to guess.  )

You and your wife have different needs in your marriage - yours are more physical needs, hers are more emotional.

On what you called her negative sexual comment, I don't see that as a negative comment, I think that may be her having a need for physical affection from you, but not have it necessarily lead to sex, or to feel pressured for sex. Most women have this need, but many have a hard time getting that need for physical affection met because many husbands do try and turn it in to something more.

I don't think it's uncommon at all to often see physical touch at the top of a man's list, but have it be the inverse on the wife's list.

I think these lists are a very good start for being able to understand each other and see if you can somehow meet in the middle for each other.


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## frustated (Jun 24, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Have you ever explored "The Five Love Languages" with each other? Home - The 5 Love Languages® You can go to this site and take a quick quiz to find out what 'language' you are (I think yours will be easy to guess.  )
> 
> You and your wife have different needs in your marriage - yours are more physical needs, hers are more emotional.
> 
> ...


Took the quiz scored a 12 for physical touch. 

When I give her a hug or kiss early in the day ie a form of foreplay it's not as if I want to jump her bones right there and then but she resists because she believes that if I am acting sweet or affectionately to her, that I am expecting her do the same later at night. It's a vicious circle I hug her because it may lead to sex and she resets my hugs because it may lead to sex = no sex


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## grendelsmom (Aug 1, 2011)

It seems to me that her list is mainly about intimacy and romance too.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

You sound like a very normal man with a very normal wife!! Both lists look great to me! 

I am a fan of the Love Languages too. My husband and I are both the same (we got the same score, we are Physical Touch too). I don't know what it's like being married to someone who has a DIFFERENT love language than I do and I can imagine it would take a lot of work and patience and understanding.

But both of you sure sound like normal people to me  Nothing unrealistic on either list.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She gave you an awesome list.
You have to trust me that if you meet the needs on the list, she will feel sexual toward you, and you will get what's on your list. It cannot work for her to give you your list first. The fact that she is not getting the things on her list is literally blocking her sexual feelings for you. What is absolutely critical is that you become the MAN who gives her what is on her list, not for what you can GET from her, but because that's the type of MAN you want to be. Once you are operating this way, her sexual feelings will develop. 100% guaranteed. 

Give her the things on her list, but don't try to receive the things on her list from her. In other words, don't expect your wife to care about your feelings and whether you are happy or sad or upset. You need to be the emotional rock for your wife (this is Manly), but not expect her to be the emotional rock for you (she will percieve this as a womanly need, and therefore see you as womanly). Your reward for meeting these needs is the sex you want. So, if you have needs about emotional support, or a need to speak negatively, pessimistically, DONT DO IT IN FRONT OF YOUR WIFE. 

Drinking.... You have to decide is do you want your list or do you want to drink every day? She perceives this as weak since it quite frankly is weak. Your wife will not feel sexual to a weak man. Realize you can never have both (drinking and a sexual relationsihp with your wife). IF you decide to drink then give up on your list. Rationally and logically accept this. If you choose not to drink, you must portray that you are doing this becuase you want to and you are not doing it to GET YOUR WIFE TO HAVE SEX with you.

The idea is take your entire list that starts with I WANT and change that to I WANT TO ACT IN SUCH A WAY THAT MY WIFE WILL....and then meet the needs on her list.

Good luck this will work.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That sounds like a good list to me. And no, not at all unrealistic.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

everything Hicks said, x 10.


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