# Am I overreacting?



## Slsnew2 (Jul 25, 2021)

hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are 🙄. I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm sorry but IMHO this is simply a no-go. You ain't got nuth'n to work with here. He is not marriage or even F-Bubby material. 

My gut is telling me that he keeps you around as a Spouse Appliance to clean the house, do the dishes and keep his underwear clean and where he can find it in the morning. You're a live-in maid that isn't even getting paid. 

I'm sorry, but that's all I see here.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

No, you're not wrong or overreacting. 

It's not normal to go a _year_ without sex when married or to favor porn over your wife. It's not acceptable for him to be having affairs or "just chatting". And, him giving you the silent treatment is even more proof that he's a douche. 

However, you keep putting up with this so he knows he can get away with it. Your threats, if you've made any, are meaningless because here you are - still with him. 

Nothing will change unless you divorce or put your foot down, and if you choose the latter things may still end in divorce.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get out now. You’ll only get more of what you’ve gotten.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Get out now. You’ll only get more of what you’ve gotten.


I agree, 

Everything mentioned in the opening post are not relationship issues that can be fixed through counseling, therapy, communication and collaboration. 

They are character flaws in the husband. He is simply not a good person or husband or even F-Buddy material. He just isn't any good. 

He is what he is and this is what he shall be.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Slsnew2 said:


> hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are . I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


He’s cheating on you, but there has to be some reason. No human does this without a reason. 

All this question to yourself :
Was he satisfied in bed with you ?

Yes, he should have had a word with you to avoid hunting for other women, but he might have assumed your reaction so thought better not to disclose.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

He is treating you with total upfront disrespect. I’m surprised you let him get away with all this mess. No husband treats his wife like this.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Helping Hand said:


> He’s cheating on you, but there has to be some reason. No human does this without a reason.
> 
> All this question to yourself :
> Was he satisfied in bed with you ?
> ...


Some people cheat because they have no moral values. They don't need a reason.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Slsnew2 said:


> I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


I agree with the others here but I want to focus on this. I understand wanting your cheating husband to apologize and acknowledge the hurt he's caused. However that will NEVER happen, please work on letting go of this notion. Cheaters will twist things around and put themselves as the victim and blame you which it sounds like this is exactly what is happening. Get out now, life is short.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Some people cheat because they have no moral values. They don't need a reason.


Agreed, some people just need the opportunity. There's always other options if someone is unhappy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Some people cheat because they have no moral values. They don't need a reason.


This ^^^^^^

This case is an example of a bad person with layers upon layers of character flaws. 

It has nothing to do with the actions or inactions fo the OP.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And to answer the title question - NO.

You are NOT overreacting. 

You are under reacting.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

If he acted that way to me, I would not want to have sex with him. The lack of sex is not even something I want to talk about right now… the pure lack of respect of texting other single women is horrible. If he wants to be single then go… do that.. text everyone you want. BUT… if you want to be married then act like it. He obviously is already out of this marriage I suggest you ask him why his actions are so different from what he says he wants. Then end this marriage.. or sham..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Slsnew2 said:


> I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


If you're waiting for an apology of any kind, I fear you're in for a very long wait. He doesn't want to fix things. That's evident from the YEARS he's pursued other women. What you have on your hands is a man who wants to be a womanizer and not a husband.

Get into counseling. Get rid of this bum. Find out why you've accepted being treated like crap for years. Sure, he thinks you're in the wrong. And you apparently go along with it since you're sticking around and professing "love" for this asshole.

Pull the plug. Seriously.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Kenny Rogers: you gotta know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, know when to run. My vote is to run.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He apparently doesn’t want a divorce but you should. The likelihood that he’ll change at this point is slim. This is a pattern of behavior and he feels entitled to it — and annoyed that you’re ruining his fun.


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## Notmylife (Mar 31, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> I'm sorry but IMHO this is simply a no-go. You ain't got nuth'n to work with here. He is not marriage or even F-Bubby material.
> 
> My gut is telling me that he keeps you around as a Spouse Appliance to clean the house, do the dishes and keep his underwear clean and where he can find it in the morning. You're a live-in maid that isn't even getting paid.
> 
> I'm sorry, but that's all I see here.


Very true


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## AndStilliRise (Nov 9, 2020)

Helping Hand said:


> He’s cheating on you, but there has to be some reason. No human does this without a reason.
> 
> All this question to yourself :
> Was he satisfied in bed with you ?
> ...


There is no reason to ever cheat. If he's not happy, he should leave. Don't be an ass and try to blame her sexual performance for his bad character. Wow.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Helping Hand said:


> He’s cheating on you, but there has to be some reason. No human does this without a reason.
> 
> All this question to yourself :
> Was he satisfied in bed with you ?
> ...


You’re absolutely right. Of course there is a reason. The reason is because he is a lying, immoral, selfish, POS, who does this because he can get away with it.

I wonder if she was satisfied in bed with HIM. How could she be, they’re not in bed together.

He should have had a “word” with her to avoid hunting for other women? Are you serious? Married people aren’t supposed to be hunting for other sex partners. You’re blaming the victim. That 💩 doesn’t fly around here.

signed,
former wayward spouse


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## Slsnew2 (Jul 25, 2021)

Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions. It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex. It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slsnew2 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions. It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex. It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


I’m not sure you’re quite getting it. 

Let me share an experience of mine to put it into perspective. 

I had a GF in my younger days that would tell me we were BF & GF but she would constantly be going out drinking and partying and dancing the night away with “friends” whilst leaving me out in the cold. 

Any time I tried to do something different or try to talk to her about it, she would accuse me of being “controlling” and trying to keep her from her ‘friends.’ 

One day I finally asked her if I was a friend. She just gave me a blank stare and told me to quit trying to be so possessive and controlling and off she went again leaving me behind. 

That told me I wasn’t a friend and that if I wasn’t at least a friend, then how could I be a BF. 

Oh, and she was screwing all these guys too. 

The lesson here is if people aren’t mutual friend of the couple and you are being left out, then they are usually APs. 

You H is not faithful and not invested in you or the marriage. I am sorry.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Slsnew2 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions. It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex. It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


So, I’ve got a little experiment for you to try. Start doing the exact same things that he’s been doing all along. Start texting, calling, and sending PM’s to all kinds of random men. Send then to men on the internet, and to men you already know. Call them your friends. Just make sure that these men are single, so as not to cause harm to other innocent spouses/partners. Don’t hide your actions, in fact, flaunt them right in front of him.

If he suddenly appears to be interested in having sex with you, decline his advances. If he says that it has been a long time since the two of you have had sex, tell him that this is completely normal. Flip the script on him. If nothing changes, then you’ll have your answer, and you should leave him. If he becomes angry, intolerant, and demands that you stop, then you’ll have to acknowledge what a vile hypocrite he truly is, and you should leave him. In fact, just save yourself the aggravation, and have him served and leave him.

I have a few questions. Do the two of you have any children together? Does he work? Do you work?


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## Slsnew2 (Jul 25, 2021)

El, hi. Yes we both work. I have two young teen daughters from a previous marriage and we live in a house that I paid off before we even got together. The problem is, I’ve told him I want a divorce but he refuses to go. I don’t want to leave this house I bought and paid for. My daughters have never known any other home. I want him to go but he just gives me the silent treatment. Which makes me second guess myself and think maybe i am overreacting. We also live in a very tiny town, he’s a former chief in this town and is now a police chief in a bigger town. So I’d like to avoid a small town scandal. I don’t make much money, enough to get by, but I don’t have a reserve to hire a lawyer. I just don’t understand why he won’t leave! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Ugh. Sorry to vent here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Slsnew2 said:


> El, hi. Yes we both work. I have two young teen daughters from a previous marriage and we live in a house that I paid off before we even got together. The problem is, I’ve told him I want a divorce but he refuses to go. I don’t want to leave this house I bought and paid for. My daughters have never known any other home. I want him to go but he just gives me the silent treatment. Which makes me second guess myself and think maybe i am overreacting. We also live in a very tiny town, he’s a former chief in this town and is now a police chief in a bigger town. So I’d like to avoid a small town scandal. I don’t make much money, enough to get by, but I don’t have a reserve to hire a lawyer. I just don’t understand why he won’t leave! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong. Ugh. Sorry to vent here.


So you're expecting him to play nice???? I think we've already established that he's not a good person so why are you expecting him to play by your wishes. 

You're making excuses. Many divorce lawyers will work on a contingency basis and their fees can come out of the settlement in which roughly half of the marital assets will be yours. 

He can't simply refuse to divorce. He does not have to consent to a divorce for it to occur.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So basically you've had a sexless marriage for years to a man who gets his jollies from playing slap-and-tickle with online hotties. Got it. 

You live in a small town and are worried about what people will think and the "scandal" this will generate if you break up.

You can't force your husband to leave unless you give him a 30-day eviction notice. I'm assuming you have no documents giving him joint tenancy with the right to survivorship. IOW if you die, the house automatically goes to him. That being the case, you can either get down and dirty with lover boy and begin legal proceedings to force him out of the house. Or you can cringe in the corner and worry about what other people will think.

Your life. Your choice.


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## GirlDad33SBP (Jul 26, 2021)

Slsnew2 said:


> hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are 🙄. I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


Definitely not overreacting. Your husband shouldn’t treat you that way regardless. 

You should be comfortable feeling like you can leave. I wish you the best


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Slsnew2 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions. It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex. It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


Dump him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Slsnew2 said:


> I just don’t understand why he won’t leave!


Because he's getting free rent. He's using you. Talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.


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## caldwell (Jul 14, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I agree,
> 
> Everything mentioned in the opening post are not relationship issues that can be fixed through counseling, therapy, communication and collaboration.
> 
> ...



The most direct and correct answer. Here you don't even need to decide anything - such a personality cannot be corrected.


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## plomito (Apr 7, 2015)

Slsnew2 said:


> hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are . I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


This relationship ended years ago, at this point it seems he is around more for convinience than anything else. If he is not even touching you or sexually interested, then that's your answer right there. 

People always going to talk. If you decide to move on some will praise your actions while others will hang you. Honestly if your happiness is based on what other thinks of you then not a lot we can help here. 

Is very clear he doesnt care what others think, he is just doing him and you should be little selfish and think of you. Go enjoy life and have lots of fun with a man that loves every inch of you. 

Sent from my SM-N975U1 using Tapatalk


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Slsnew2 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions.* It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex.* It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


The bold should have been a red flag 8 years ago! I get the sense you weren't intimate before marriage, a little unusual given you were in your 30s? I don't know anyone that age of either gender who would "tie the knot" without taking at least a few (probably a lot of) test drives. And, a honeymoon without intimacy also? Something badly wrong with this whole picture. You should have filed for an annulment after the first week.

If you file, be sure to get some counseling to discover why you dated, married, and remained with someone like this. So you don;'t repeat the mistake.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Helping Hand said:


> He’s cheating on you, but there has to be some reason. No human does this without a reason.
> 
> All this question to yourself :
> Was he satisfied in bed with you ?
> ...


Such ********. A Serial cheater doesn't need a reason they just lack morals.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Slsnew2 said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses. I don’t think how I was in bed has any relevance to his actions. It took us two weeks after our marriage to have sex. It stopped immediately after he said I do and has done nothing but dwindled since then. I think I’ve been a loving and fun wife. I think it’s mostly that he wants the thrill of something new and obviously I can’t compete w that. He says there is nothing wrong w his talking to these other women. He calls them friends and says I’m trying to keep him from talking to his friends. 🙄. But I don’t think it’s appropriate even if they are ‘just friends’. It’s like he trolls around to see who he can get to talk w him. And then he’ll try to take it farther. I’ve seen him do it. And it’s cringey. He gets off on attention from these women and having his ego stroked. And the worst part is he really thinks there’s nothing wrong w having all these women ‘friends’ and makes me think I’m crazy.


Most married couples don't appreciate new opposite sex friends. And he has already cheated.

You know in your heart he is looking for his next affair and gaslighting you.

Unfortunately this doesn't look like a redeemable situation. Divorce and move on.

And while a healthy marriage does require good sex for most male partners, THIS has nothing to do with you. He has low morals. He is obviously not marriage material. IGNORE all comments that make you think there is anything wrong with you.

In your next marriage though you should keep track of and participate in a healthy sex life.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

You mentioned that you live in a small town and leaving him would cause scandal. I have to say this - if it's a small town and he is reaching out to talk to recently divorced females and God knows what else, everyone is already talking. He has tried to get with numerous people, some you know about, some you don't. Some of them have been open to it, some have not. A lot of them have told a close friend, husband, or anyone that would listen that this dog tried to talk to them. People know what he is doing, and they haven't had the heart to tell you. Scandal likely already exists anyways.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Slsnew2 said:


> hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are 🙄. I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


Dress up sexy, red lipstick and smile to every man except for him for couple of weeks and see his reaction. Doesn't work then dump him. Actually dumping him will probably be the most likely answer. The only reason I would try the provocation first is because you said that sex has been sparse which puts blame on both of you to some extent..
Most likely though he's a piece of *** and has no consideration for your feelings and you should leave.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Slsnew2 said:


> hello! Been married 8 years. Sex has been extremely sparse the whole time. Months in between. We are now over a year wout. He’s had a physical affair at year two and lots of online stuff since then that I consider inappropriate, yet here we still are 🙄. I confronted him recently due to his messaging and exchanging phone numbers w a woman instamodel. Nothing sexual really, however they were texting during our family vacation. He’s also started messaging a recently divorced woman in our small town. How are you? How’s your 4th of July? Etc. he also looks at porn regularly. For some reason he didn’t think I could see all this but I def can. What. In. The. World? When I brought up the lack of sex, he says it’s normal to go a year without?! But he still gets to look at porn? And these texts and dms are inappropriate I think. Am I wrong? Just a prude? I am at my wits end. He is giving me the silent treatment. He’s 45, I’m 42. Thanks for any insight y’all. I think I want a divorce, but I love him and woujd at least like an apology? A promise to fix things? Instead I get treated like I’m the one in the wrong.


Normal to go for a year without? Well, maybe for him it is but obviously not normal for you. What does he do when he looks at porn. Is it a form of entertainment like kids watch cartoons or does it interest him sexually? If it interests him then ask him to watch you instead and maybe be his actress for him when he wants to watch an actress doing things. Or maybe while he is watching, go and work with him, or ask to watch with him.


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