# help with a previously abusive husband...



## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

I was hoping for a little help or guidance with my current issues here.


I will give you a little run down on me. I am 22 years old. I got married when I was 19 to a man who I was head over heals in love with. I met him while I was visiting my dad and while he was home on leave from the Marine Corps. While he was away, we kept in touch via skype & the phone. Probably at least once a week, we got into argument while on the phone, almost always over something incredibly small & stupid. Usually it was something I said that he took the wrong way, or I tried to joke with him about something and he didnt find it very funny.


After being away for a year, he came home. Before he came home, we had only spent a total of 3 weeks together in person (we met while he was on leave and got married when I went to visit him once). We had a bad argument probably at least once a week, sometimes more. More times than I can count, our arguments turned into him screaming at me, telling me how he hoped I would get run over by a truck, how he hoped I would die, how he wish he had never met me, and than him leaping at me and putting one hand around my throat and another over my mouth, to the point where I couldnt breath. Three times I have been raped by him (although I am not sure if it is considered rape since he is my husband, but he forced himself onto me after he had just been screaming at me and I tried to push him off of me, but he is stronger than I am) and once he slammed my head into his knee when we were in the car and bruised up my nose. 



Around June of last year, the physical abuse stopped. I pretty much stopped having my own opinion, I stopped trying to create a marriage where we treated eachother as equal partners. We still get into arguments, probably still about once a week, sometimes it is once every 2 weeks, but they arent nearly as bad. He doesnt cuss me up and down and wish me death like he used to, and he hasnt been physical with me. He does still scream and yell sometimes and he still has the worst temper I have ever seen. Although he isnt as harsh as he used to be, I still give in and try to fix it by admiting fault and being super loving so the argument stops.



Let me add this. My husband and I try to have a solid Christian marriage. I know his behavior is not Godly most of the times, but he does sincerely try with certain things. He doesn't watch pornography, he does show me a major amount of affection (when he is happy), and he is very loving. Because of this though, a lot of our arguments are because he says I am not "submissive" like a Christian wife should be or I don't respect him like I should. He gets mad at me if I act goofy or silly, or if I suggest doing something I like (he got mad at me for asking if we could go to a NASCAR race together because he HATES NASCAR). He felt it was stupid for me to ask to waste money on something like that, yet he will go out and spend $30 a week on liquor and beer. Most of the time, he is always "raining on my parade" by downing things I suggest doing or getting upset when I am dancing around trying to be happy. 



I am so lost on what is going on right now. Things have been going semi better for the past year, but, is this because I have changed and lost myself? I mean, I cant act like the silly, happy go lucky girl that I normally am, because he thinks I may be acting immature or it is stupid. Can an abuser change like he has, or do you think if I were to act like most people do and have an opinion (when I have a thought or opinion, I always talk about it respectfully) he would get mad like he used to be? He always tells me I need to voice my opinions respectfully, but when I do, he gets mad and yells at me. I love my husband dearly, but I don't feel the same way about him anymore because of all he has put me through..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Honey you guys should look into counseling. He is wrong in what he is and was doing. There's a movie called Fireproof that you both should watch, it is a Christian based movie but it is a great relationship movie. It is something that may open your eyes and his as well.


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

I have actually tried to get him to go to counseling, and he won't go. He said he doesn't want someone telling him how he should run his marriage. And we have actually seen that movie... well, I have. He has watched some of it with me but complained the whole way thru how the woman was a "*****" and deserved what she got.
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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> I have actually tried to get him to go to counseling, and he won't go. He said he doesn't want someone telling him how he should run his marriage. And we have actually seen that movie... well, I have. He has watched some of it with me but complained the whole way thru how the woman was a "*****" and deserved what she got.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thats seriously not healthy.

If he won't go to counseling....you should go.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Hmm. Well since you have seen that do you remember the book they referenced called the Love Dare? It's something you can do and it quite honestly may change his heart. You cam buy it on amazon.com for sure


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Don't know if my last post went thru so I'll try again..forgive me if I repeat. Since you've seen the movie do you remember when they referenced the book the Love Dare? It is wonderful! You can do it and it honestly may change his heart. Check amazon.com for it. Sometimes Target or Wal-Mart may have it as well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

If you're asking if you'll ever be able to be yourself, the answer is "probably not." He sounds like a misogynist - a woman hater. He has major issues. The more you try to get along with him, the more you'll lose yourself. I agree that it would be a good idea to get counseling, but even more, I hope you'll start stashing away some money and finding a way to keep safe if you need to leave. 

You *do* know that if he ever abuses you again, you can go to his commanding officer, right? Don't let him forget it!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> You *do* know that if he ever abuses you again, you can go to his commanding officer, right? Don't let him forget it!




I'm in the military myself, and this isn't always as great an option as you think. Yes, she could go to his CO (if he's still in the Marine Corps - the OP doesn't make it clear if he is). Actually, if she just calls the police, then his CO will hear about it eventually (but if he's not hitting her anymore, then she can't really file a complaint). 

The problem is, if he is court-martialed, then he loses rank and/or pay, or even kicked out, and so both of them are put in a worse financial situation than before. He would get mandatory counseling though, so that's something. But I'm never in favor of getting officials involved in a marriage unless someone is in fear for their life. 

Personally, I recommend that she give him an ultimatum. We go to counseling, or I leave. Christian marriage or no, you are both going to be miserable the rest of your lives if you go down this road. *At a minimum - until things change DON'T HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN!!!*


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You only spent 3 weeks with him? YOu don't love him. You may fear, revere, admire or lust after him but you do NOT love him - you just think you do.

End it now. This will only get worse - it's great you see you are losing yourself. If you don't leave now soon it will be 10 years and 2 kids later, umpteen bruises later and you'll see him making your children walk on eggshells just like you do.

If you had a daughter, what would you tell HER? If your mother/father/grandmother (whoever loves you) were to know the details of your marriage, how would they feel?

Anything you feel compelled to keep a secret is usually wrong and I'm SURE if he doesn't want a counselor in his business he doesn't want parents/friends/pastor involved. LEAVE. Maybe you should watch Burning Bed, too.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Theseus said:


> The problem is, if he is court-martialed, then he loses rank and/or pay, or even kicked out, and so both of them are put in a worse financial situation than before. He would get mandatory counseling though, so that's something. But I'm never in favor of getting officials involved in a marriage unless someone is in fear for their life.


I don't recommend selling your soul for a better paycheck. A large, muscular violent man IS something to have mortal fear of. The man can't control his temper and is able to kill with his bare hands. I'd fear MY life in this situation for sure.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I don't recommend selling your soul for a better paycheck.


It's not really like that - it's just that financial problems pile on and make all the other problems that much worse. That is, assuming that they are still trying to make things work.




> A large, muscular violent man IS something to have mortal fear of. The man can't control his temper and is able to kill with his bare hands. I'd fear MY life in this situation for sure.


Then she should definitely leave.


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

Thank you all for your responses. 

We have been married for almost 4 years, I meant we had only spent 3 weeks together in person before we got married. I do love him, its definitely not lust. If I didn't love him, it would make this much easier to leave.

He is out of the military, and he is currently a police officer. Also, he hasn't been abusive lately, but has this stopped because I am walking soon egg shells and I know what not to say to make him that mad, or do you think he really has changed?

Also, he has had major issues with women since he was a child. His mom abandoned him when he was 6 or 7 and didn't want anything to do with him. He has been cheated on by girls and what not. He can be so sweet and affectionate at times which is what makes this so hard!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> He is out of the military, and he is currently a police officer. Also, he hasn't been abusive lately, but has this stopped because I am walking soon egg shells and I know what not to say to make him that mad, or do you think he really has changed?



Maybe he has changed, or maybe it's because you are walking on eggshells.

But ask yourself this - do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Thank you all for your responses.
> 
> We have been married for almost 4 years, I meant we had only spent 3 weeks together in person before we got married. I do love him, its definitely not lust. If I didn't love him, it would make this much easier to leave.
> 
> ...


He hasnt changed. He WONT change. Is this REALLY how you want to live your life for the next 30-40 years, trying to live on the tiny crumbs he throws you when he is "sweet and affectionate"?? This man has raped you!  And YES. IT IS RAPE even though he is your husband!


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

You are right I do not want to be walking on eggshells for the rest of my life. But I cannot fathom the thought of breaking somebody's heart. I am not allowed to drink alcohol because in the past I have been out late and come home drunk a few times and this caused my husband andq I to get into very bad arguments which resulted in him being physically abusive. Just the other night I went to a fair and I had a few beers after I had promised my husband I would not drink anymore. I don't know why I did it. I think I did it because I just don't care sometimes. I came home and he knew I was drinking and he is devastated and so upset with me.I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm losing myself and beginning to lose all respect for my husband at certain times. Had the past never happened between us I would never betray his trust in go drink without him.
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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

How old is your H


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

He is 27, he will be 28 in August and I will be 23 in September. I tried to talk to him about it all day yesterday, how even though he hasn't been physically abusive with me lately, I am scarred by it because I cannot open up about my feelings. He gets mad and upset over the smallest stuff, which causes me to hide how I feel and not talk to him, which in the end leaves me feeling depressed and angry because I should be able to talk to my husband about my feelings. He is constantly hating on women too. For instance, if we are watching a show and a man cheats on his wife and she seeks revenge, I have made a comment such as "serves him right" before, and he blew up saying how women are the cheating *****s and I shouldn't be such a femi-nazi bit*.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Reason I wanted to know his age, is because my own H seemed to have calmed down over the years. When he was 21, he used to be exactly like this. Now maybe because I've changed and matured, and life has taken it's toll, he picks his battles

Your H is really insecure and controlling

Because of this he does not like you having a lot of freedom. And he certainly does not like when your speak her mind, because the more freedom you feel even when speaking, the more he feels he is losing control. 

When you are happy go lucky, his insecurities make him jealous and envious. He is not happy and secure, so you cannot be happy and secure. 

Also, when he scours at cheating women, he is trying to implant fear in you, so that you will never cheat on him. My H used to do this to me as well. He would threaten things, say that if I ever cheated there's no way he would stick around, and he would kill both parties. 

While I was very sexual, fun loving, and outgoing...he made me feel bad for it, guilty almost. 

Men like this are ticking time bombs. Deep down there is something brewing in him. I found out a few years into our relationship that my H is a serial cheater and has been since I met him up until now. That's why my H was so controlling, negative, and insecure for all these years.


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes, he has said the same thing. He has said if I ever chest on him he will kill both me and the man but he would torture me and give me a long slow painful death.

He absolutely hates when I act silly or goofy. If I ever dance around the house singing, trying to be fun, he gets upset and tells me to stop because he doesn't like silly or goofy. I am no longer allowed to have friends unless they go to Church with us and after a few nights ago when I came home drunk, he told me I am not allowed to go out anymore and I need tp stay home and "bake brownies or something".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I found it interesting that when you said during the movie "serves him right" your H got hissy. That speaks volumes to me. Now I know that when someone is insecure about something, it is usually because it hits home for them. And by that I mean, maybe he's fooling around behind your back or did in the past? Maybe he's thinking about it? 

Usually when my H was cheating, he was VERY touchy when I would say things like that to him, or when a man would look at me. He would immediately look at me and say "what was that about? you like that guy?" Then we would fight for hours about it. Constantly picking on me about something. I just thought he was crazy. 

He used to be a terminator of all the things I loved. I loved to sing and he would tell me that I was too shy to be able to sing. I used to talk very closely with my family, and he would tell me that it wasn't healthy for our relationship and that it was immature. I used to be really touchy feely, and he would push me off of him and say I'm weird. 

Now that it's all gone, he now begs for those things back. But I can't go back now.


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

I don't think he is having an affair. I could be wrong, but I think its abandonment issues he has. His mother cheated on his Dad when he was 6 years old. This caused their divorce and his mother left and never looked back. She didn't want anything to do with her son and to this day she practically denies his existence. Its sad, but not my fault. I try to be there and show him how much I love him but its wearing me down. Although I know he isn't perfect and he has made mistakes, he took it too far and I am having trouble getting over what he used to do to me. Not only that, but I don't think I could have children with him because I would be afraid he would lose his cool with them and accidentally hurt them or be incredibly harsh with them like he is me. 

So you left your husband? Was it hard? I have tried looking for apartments but I am so afraid to leave because he also said that the Bible only forgives divorce for adultery and if I leave we are not technically divorced in Gods eyes and if I were to be with someone new I would be committing adultery and he would possibly kill me.
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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> he also said that the Bible only forgives divorce for adultery and if I leave we are not technically divorced in Gods eyes and if I were to be with someone new I would be committing adultery and he would possibly kill me.


Hi..believe it or not I'm a Christian/your husband is threatening to kill you in the name of God like its his right over what he calls adultery and its not honey.I'm not encouraging you to leave or not leave.But he is wrong..(((HUGS)))


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> I don't think he is having an affair. I could be wrong, but I think its abandonment issues he has. His mother cheated on his Dad when he was 6 years old. This caused their divorce and his mother left and never looked back. She didn't want anything to do with her son and to this day she practically denies his existence. Its sad, but not my fault. I try to be there and show him how much I love him but its wearing me down. Although I know he isn't perfect and he has made mistakes, he took it too far and I am having trouble getting over what he used to do to me. Not only that, but I don't think I could have children with him because I would be afraid he would lose his cool with them and accidentally hurt them or be incredibly harsh with them like he is me.
> 
> So you left your husband? Was it hard? I have tried looking for apartments but I am so afraid to leave because he also said that the Bible only forgives divorce for adultery and if I leave we are not technically divorced in Gods eyes and if I were to be with someone new I would be committing adultery and he would possibly kill me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No I haven't left my H yet. We have two daughters together, he always is begging me to stay now, we have a lot invested with each other. I'm currently pondering leaving again. Like you, my H is threatening to kill himself if I leave and makes little remarks insinuating that he wouldn't know what he would be capable of doing (aka killing me). He says there's no point in living if I'm not with him. I've looked into lawyers and such. Wrapping my mind around where I would live, how I would support me and my daughters, etc. 

My H also gives me the same scripture when I say I want to leave. Typical


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

Wow. I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine how much harder this would be with children involved. He has threatened to kill himself too. Last time when I left (about a year ago) he held a gun to his head for 5 minutes and it felt like the longest 5 min of my life as I sat there screaming for him to put the gun down. 

One of my biggest concerns is hurting him and leaving him lonely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If someone loves you, they would not want you walking on eggshells. 

I have been in your exact situation. You keep hoping he will change and your marriage will get better. That's very unlikely to happen. 

He may end up snapping and killing you. It happens all the time. 

No one who really loved you would put their hands on you , or have you walking on eggshells. You deserve better. His justifications are wrong. A Christian man would know that he is to love his wife as he does himself, there are plenty of bible quotes about how precious your wife is and how you should be gentle with her etc. 

Please start Counseling for your self.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Wow. I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine how much harder this would be with children involved. He has threatened to kill himself too. Last time when I left (about a year ago) he held a gun to his head for 5 minutes and it felt like the longest 5 min of my life as I sat there screaming for him to put the gun down.
> 
> One of my biggest concerns is hurting him and leaving him lonely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is hurting himself. He's the one to blame if he gets lonely. Not you. He could at any time get help and treat you with respect. 

Please be careful when you leave, do not tell him you are going. Go to a women's shelter and get some help from them. The most dangerous time is when you leave.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Wow. I'm so sorry. I couldn't imagine how much harder this would be with children involved. He has threatened to kill himself too. Last time when I left (about a year ago) he held a gun to his head for 5 minutes and it felt like the longest 5 min of my life as I sat there screaming for him to put the gun down.
> 
> One of my biggest concerns is hurting him and leaving him lonely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's also abuse.Emotional abuse threatening suicide like that.He cares NOT for you just remember that.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> ...he would torture me and give me a long slow painful death.


I'm seriously worried about you! A threat like this is so incredibly wrong. He's a police officer, too? Please, please be careful! He isn't monitoring your computer or phone, is he? If you can, visit the site or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (assuming you are in the US). They might be able to offer you some advice on getting out safely.

National Domestic Violence Hotline


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Touch base with the Christianity aspect.We are all called to be Christlike to have his gifts and fruits of His spirit.

Anyone that says in the name of "God" they will kill you for adultery?Or hold a gun to their own head to get what they want SORRY is not exibiting they have the spirit of Christ.Pick on the Bible til blue in the face that is not Christ and its shameful.


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes, he is a police officer. He doesn't monitor my phone or computer, although I do delete my browsing history and what not.

What makes this super hard is that this behavior has not really happened in the past year. For the past year, when he gets mad, I usually clam up and just say "yes, I am sorry" when we get into arguments. So this has helped his temper calm down. I just wonder if I were to have an opinion and argue back with him when he is being mean, if the physical abuse would start again. Now he just gets mad, yells and what not, than he will usually calm down and apologize for being too harsh with me after I have already been crying.

For instance.. last week he came my work when I was getting off. He had both of our dogs in the back of his truck, and he was pulling in as I was walking out of the building. I walked up to the truck (he was still inside of his truck putting it in park) and started talking to the dogs and what not. He got out of the truck and walked around the truck to where I was standing and then I turned to him, gave him a hug and a kiss and said hey to him. He than got mad at me because I greeted the dogs before him and because the greeting that I gave to him was too "casual" and wasn't really loving. He yelled at me, made me cry and complained how I am always starting arguments. This is the stuff I have to deal with. I dont see how I started the argument, but I said I was sorry for starting it anyways because I wanted the argument to end.

Than an hour later he is being so affectionate, telling me that he loves me more than anything and that he would do anything for me. He is calling me beautiful and telling me how he is so glad he is married to me. 

I just don't get it, he makes it so hard for me. Last time i tried to leave, he got me to come back home and made me stay, I mean, he physically would not let me go. I am just afraid if I leave again, he will somehow get me to come back. Than I will feel guilty for leaving him in the first place and think that he doesnt deserve the pain I put him in.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

What he is doing is still abusive. He's also not physically abusive only because you are always doing what he wants. That's no way to live. 

He's happy controlling your every move. Are you happy living like this?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> Because of this though, a lot of our arguments are because he says I am not "submissive" like a Christian wife should be or I don't respect him like I should. [/size]


So sad and so sick how some husbands will use God and the Bible to abuse someone they made vows to love and to cherish. 

Been there. They are misrepresenting God and the Bible. You should not be submissive to him. It'll only feed the monster. A Wife's Submission | Lessons Learned in the Crucible of Marriage


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## Girlygirl1234 (Apr 19, 2012)

See, sometimes I am happy. Sometimes things go great an we are happy for a week or so, than something negative may come up that starts an argument. I'm so afraid if I leave that I will be miserable 24/7 because I miss him, where now I am only miserable 50% of the time. I also cannot fathom the thought of him moving on and being happy with someone new..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> See, sometimes I am happy. Sometimes things go great an we are happy for a week or so, than something negative may come up that starts an argument. I'm so afraid if I leave that I will be miserable 24/7 because I miss him, where now I am only miserable 50% of the time. I also cannot fathom the thought of him moving on and being happy with someone new..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You really need to snap out of this! You are delusional! A week of not so unhappy here and there is not a relationship! And he wont be happy with anyone else, he will just abuse someone else! You dont love this man, you are in a fog.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> See, sometimes I am happy. Sometimes things go great an we are happy for a week or so, than something negative may come up that starts an argument. I'm so afraid if I leave that I will be miserable 24/7 because I miss him, where now I am only miserable 50% of the time. I also cannot fathom the thought of him moving on and being happy with someone new..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Are you willing to have kids with this man? Pregnancies are stressful. Babies are even more stressful. What if he screams at you while your pregnant because he thinks you're doing something wrong? What if he locks you in the house for the whole pregnancy for "your protection"? What if he started hitting you again while you're pregnant? What if he screams at you constantly because he doesn't like how you are caring for the baby? What if he hits you in front of the kids? What if he hits them? Do you really want to raise a family living in fear?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Whatever you do is up to you Girly. You have to make a choice, just like I do. I'm in the same contemplating state you are. 

I want you to know, that I agree with others on here when I say, pregnancy can set a man like that off to feel more empowered. Barefoot and pregnant is the saying. You are vulnerable to his attacks, and he will know it. Ginger-snap is right, pregnancy is very stressful. You are sick, tired, pressure in your abdomen, sensitive, emotional, hormonal. To be in that state, and have a man who gets easily triggered by anger...not a good combination.

Give it some time, think rationally. Do what you feel you will be the happiest doing


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Girlygirl1234 said:


> See, sometimes I am happy. Sometimes things go great an we are happy for a week or so, than something negative may come up that starts an argument.


This is typical of the abuse cycle and it will only get worse unless he gets help.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Girlygirl,

One thing you can do starting today is work on *yourself.* For some reason your "man picker" is broken and you picked this man who treats you badly. If you can afford counseling, I think it would be worthwhile. My husband (of 30 years) was abusive and I spent 3 years in therapy working on my backbone and he treats me much better nowadays.

I would start by working on your boundaries- how to have them and how to enforce them. Here are a couple of websites. The first one has good clear examples of how to make boundary statements. The second looked good but I didn't read it all

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Begin to Set Personal Boundaries - Oprah.com


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## Dahlia92 (Dec 31, 2012)

Girlygirl - are you ok? I know this is kind of an old thread, but I had to reply. 

There is nothing "previously abusive" about this man. He is a textbook abuser. This marriage is about control, not love and respect. Just because he has ceased (for the time being) one aspect of the abuse does mean he is no longer abusive. He is still clearly isolating you, controlling your every move, disrespecting you, making you live in fear, controlling the resources, threatening suicide as a means of control and probably a whole host of things you have not mentioned. Physical abuse is about him controlling you, not him being out of control. If he feels you are sufficiently under his control with his other tactics, he may stop until he feels there is a need to do it again. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS CHANGED!

An abusive man who puts his hands around his partner's neck or interferes with her air supply is considered to be one of the types most likely to KILL their partner. Once they have crossed that line, they are extremely dangerous (even though you may feel he is not and would not do that). He has ready access to a firearm as well, which makes him even more dangerous.

Please, please, please seriously consider leaving this situation. You are at great risk and the chances of this kind of abuser changing are extremely low. I would be very careful of doing things such as setting boundaries or standing up for yourself with a man like this. It very well may put your safety at risk. 

You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't waste it on this man. He will continue to tear you down until there is nothing left. Leave him (covertly plan, never tell a man like this you want to leave), get into therapy to learn how to spot these men, not put yourself in dangerous situations (anyone can pretend to be anything they want over skype and email), read, read, read read and read some more about abuse and dangerous men, learn to build your boundaries and have confidence in yourself and love and care for yourself and find a respectful and loving man when you are in a position to do so.

Love is not the "in love" feeling, real love is about actions and respect. This man is clearly not capable of loving another. Period. 

Please use these resources:

The power and control wheel:
Tactic #1 — One-Sided Power Games

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (a real eye opener).

Please read what is takes for an abusive man to really change:

Signs That He or She Has Changed and Will Stop Abuse | Marriage Missions International



And please stop by the abuse forum at DS (you will see so many stories just like yours, there are many wise, kind and supportive people there, including a licensed therapist who sepcializes in abuse and fellow Christians). You can find the forum by searching for "physical and emotional abuse daily strength". You will be very welcome there.

I hope you are ok and I hope you will look at these resources. The more you learn, the easier it is to find your way out of the fog. This is not love, this is control and abuse and you are very much in danger. Please pm me if you have any questions or need to talk.


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