# What happens if we get married?



## IamNotHere (Jun 9, 2009)

Quick rundown...

I'm in my first LTR, and this is the only girl I have ever had sex with. She wants to get married and later have children.

I'm still not sure about kids, but marriage I'm open to because I've always wanted just one person, if they are the right one, which she seems to be. I've always had the hardest time meeting girls, too. People tell me I'm really good looking, but my personality just never meshed with anyone. My gf grew up like a tomboy, so that's why we meshed so well. She also believes in my dreams and aspirations, which no one else in my family or friend's circle has ever really cared for. In the bedroom, she really does it for me, and satisfies all my desires. And she says I do the same for her, like no other man she's been with.

But my friend, who has a lot of married friends and has been in MANY relationships, tells me that things change after marriage...

1. He says the woman typically gets fat. 

Note: I'm the most active person I know, and I work in the the fitness industry. I believe the reason why so many women put on weight is because their husbands don't know how to motivate their wives, or even motivate themselves. They don't know that you're supposed to feel GOOD during exercise, and the only way to do that is eat a balanced meal every 2 hours, exercise intensly one day, lightly the next day, seperate different muscle groups on different days, vary the rep and set scheme every few weeks, etc, etc. They also don't know activities that are actually fun, like martial arts, running in the hills, powerlifting, etc, etc. They do boring crap, like walking on the treadmill. No wonder so many people get fat when they are old! They don't know what they are doing, and they end up burning themselves out or getting bored by not seeing results right away (which is what SHOULD happen if you are doing things CORRECTLY).

2. They stop having sex.

*Note: This I am afraid of. My friend says a wedding is "her" day, and once she has had it, she loses motivation and desire to please her man. She's already won, so there's no reason to have sex anymore. However, my GF also tells me stories of friends of hers who didn't like sex that much to begin with, and after they got married, they stopped having it for that very reason. My GF on the other hand LOVES sex. She specifically says she would never stop having it with her husband. But do you think she might change when it's all over? My friend says, "Men need a place, women need a reason." After marriage, they have no reason. However, I'm wondering if this has to do with the husband making mistakes, too. Maybe he gets lazy and stops being romantic...stops taking her by surprise...stops acting like a confident man in the bedroom...stops fantasizing about her (maybe because she's put on weight BECAUSE niether of them knew how to keep up a healthy lifestyle, etc, etc, etc.)

Bascially, I just don't want things to change. I know that anyone can stay beautiful if they follow a healthy lifestyle, and not make the mistakes that SO many of the American population makes when they try "going to the gym." And I think a lot of the reason why sex drive in women (or men) drops is because they stop caring, and they don't know what they are doing.

What do you guys think? I love my GF, and she is just about everything I have ever looked for in a woman. I never want that to change. And that's what I am afriad of...that it will all change.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have you discussed your fears with her?

Look, when it comes to marriage, statistically you have just about as good a chance as anyone for succeeding or failing. Hedge your bet. Make sure that both of you openly discuss what you expect from marriage. If you can talk to one another openly - about everything and anything, you are on the right track.

The other thing you can be absolutely certain of? Marriage=change. Not necessarily negative changes but they will happen as the needs in your life, and over the course of your relationship change. Being unable to use that open communication that you supposedly developed at the outset, is what can make the difference on how you handle those changes as a couple.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

IamNotHere-

Re the sex... it need not go down the pan, but if it does 50% of it will be your fault... The main thing that puts women of sex is resentment. As long as you don't cause her resentment, you are doing well. Unfortunately even resentment that is not directly your fault will still have a dampening affect on her sex drive.

It's an obstacle course however. If she feels she is doing to much of the household chores, she can get resentful. If on the other hand, you become a doormat and do everything she says, she will resent you for having no backbone.

Another source of resentment comes when women realise they have given up their career to bring up kids. Oh, but you don't want kids... if she does and you don't she will blame you for making her biological clock late. TICK TICK BANG!!!

However, if you can treat her just right - give her support, but still act like a man, be flirty with her whenever you can get away with it - you can stay in a perpetual honeymoon - but very few men have the lightness of touch to pull this off.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Ohhh...if you don't want children....big billboard, make sure you guys can come to some sort of compromise on that one BEFORE you get married. Nothing scorns a woman more than one wanting children with a man whom has no desire to have any.

You guys sound like aside from your fears you have a great open communicative relationship. Be honest with her. Sit down with her and discuss these things before you ask her to marry you. She'll talk to you it sounds like at least. 

Try it and see what happens.


----------



## IamNotHere (Jun 9, 2009)

Good advice all around. Thank you. 

But it's not that I don't want kids. Just absolutely NOT now...then again, she feels exactly the same. But I'm wondering when I will actually want to make the commitment to have them. We both want a boy. What if we get a girl? How could we afford another one? And my god, the time commitment. I can't see myself being ready for children until we're in our late 30's at the earliest. But she's kind of expressed the same feelings. Maybe there isn't so much to worry about afterall in that department.

But all the other stuff I'm worrying about...I guess I just need to follow the rules you guys said.


----------



## IamNotHere (Jun 9, 2009)

Vicktory said:


> Anyways, as stated before, just discuss everything, tell her all your dirty little secrets before you get married and make sure everything from her is out in the open and you guys will be fine!


I was fine with everything you said up until this point. I'm starting to wonder if you should know EVERYTHING about your significant other.

One thing I NEVER like hearing about is how sexually experienced she was before we met. Even hints towards that make me resentful and wonder about things she may have actually done with ex-bf's. As a man, I hate knowing that about my woman. I absolutely HATE HATE HATE any hints or clues about that stuff. She's the only girl I've ever had sex with, so it makes it that much harder to hear about her previous partners.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I do not think that you are ready for marriage. Your initial post screams out "inflexible" and that is a huge red flag for somone thinking about marriage. So what if someone gains weight as they age or have kids? It is not your right to pass judgment on them, nor do you have any understanding of the complexity of people's lives that lead them to make choices different from yours. I am very fit, but I could not care less about how I look. I exercise b/c I love running and playing sports and i want to do it for as many years as I can, end of story. I'm slightly overweight, but I don't care. And I sure as hell don't need or want some young male (who has every natural advantage for staying thin still working for him) trying to explain to me how "simple" it is. It IS simple--on paper. In real life, it's not so simple. Nor is marriage. If you cannot embrace change and roll with life's punches, you will make a miserable marriage partner and you will never be a good father; parenthood is the ultimate test of one's ability to grow and change. Give yourself time to get more life experience and to develop some understanding of, and compassion for, the realities of other people's lives. Maybe then you will be marriage and parenting material.


----------



## IamNotHere (Jun 9, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I do not think that you are ready for marriage. Your initial post screams out "inflexible" and that is a huge red flag for somone thinking about marriage. So what if someone gains weight as they age or have kids? It is not your right to pass judgment on them, nor do you have any understanding of the complexity of people's lives that lead them to make choices different from yours. I am very fit, but I could not care less about how I look. I exercise b/c I love running and playing sports and i want to do it for as many years as I can, end of story. I'm slightly overweight, but I don't care. And I sure as hell don't need or want some young male (who has every natural advantage for staying thin still working for him) trying to explain to me how "simple" it is. It IS simple--on paper. In real life, it's not so simple. Nor is marriage. If you cannot embrace change and roll with life's punches, you will make a miserable marriage partner and you will never be a good father; parenthood is the ultimate test of one's ability to grow and change. Give yourself time to get more life experience and to develop some understanding of, and compassion for, the realities of other people's lives. Maybe then you will be marriage and parenting material.


Obesity is not attractive, and attraction is not a choice. End of story. I wish I could make a choice about that, but honestly, no man or woman can. And I think that keeping the passion and attraction alive in a marriage is essential.

(I'm assuming that you are female by your screename. I apologize if I am mistaken.) 

Let's say that men had to go through a stage in their life that would make them stop acting like men...or more like boys again, once they go through it. They would suddenly become less confident and assertive than when you met them, after a certain stage later in life. It was just in their instinct to go through this stage or act in their life, even though it could potentially make them act less manly.

Those are the same fears I have about marrying someone and them getting fat after pregnancy. What makes me feel attraction to my girlfriend? Her gorgeous looks, body, and high sex drive. That's never going to shut off in me. What makes me feel affection for her? Her understanding and friendship. And I need all of that in a lifetime partner: the attraction AND affection towards them. You can't tell me that you don't feel the same.

What really attracts a woman to a man? It's the way he acts like a man, right? What if he stopped doing that after you got married? How would you feel? Pretty dissappointed.

But see, I'm willing to work with someone on any problem they have, as she is with me. We've both had our share so far, and we'll continue to do it. That's what a team is all about, and that's a big part of marriage.


----------



## TabbyCat (Jun 13, 2009)

When I make a big decision in my life I jump ahead 20 years in my mind, and look back. This really helps in making the decision, because I know how I feel inside about things even if I can't put it into words. You can feel it deep in your guts if it's going to be wrong.

Also, life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get. My situation is that we both wanted children very much. Then we found out we couldn't have any. These are things in life that just happen and it's no one's fault. There really has to be love there or the marriage would end. 

I also asked myself, what if something happened to you or your mate and you couldn't have sex anymore because of an accident or a disease, or because of old age? In life, stuff happens. There has got to be some TRUE depth to the relationship aside from sex, for it to last. You have to truly love the spirit inside the other person, because our bodies do wear out.

Maybe you could read some of Dr Laura's books. She has one called, "10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives". It might give you some insight.

Enjoy your life!
Good Luck to you!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

IamNotHere said:


> What makes me feel attraction to my girlfriend? Her gorgeous looks, body, and high sex drive. That's never going to shut off in me. What makes me feel affection for her? Her understanding and friendship. And I need all of that in a lifetime partner: the attraction AND affection towards them. You can't tell me that you don't feel the same.


Actually, I can and will tell you I do NOT feel the same. Attraction, for me, has very little to do with looks. It's chemistry, and probably phernomes (sp?). I'm attracted to men who would not even make most women's "sexy ugly" list (and yes, women DO find some "ugly" men very attractive!) Obesity is another matter--morbid obesity affects health and so many other things. If a gorgeous body is important to you, plan on getting divorced about every 20 years and marrying a "younger model." Then you can get your gorgeous. REAL women don't stay gorgeous like their 20s for their whole life. REAL men find REAL women attractive at any stage of life. Even the men here who talk about their "gorgeous" wives often mention how those women don't look the same after years of marriage and childbearing. 

You should see the guy who currently rocks my boat. OMG, he is SO not "attractive" in any traditional sense but I can't be in the same room with him without wanting to rip off his clothes. So, yes, I really CAN say I don't agree with you.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

IamNotHere said:


> Obesity is not attractive, and attraction is not a choice. End of story. I wish I could make a choice about that, but honestly, no man or woman can. And I think that keeping the passion and attraction alive in a marriage is essential.
> 
> (I'm assuming that you are female by your screename. I apologize if I am mistaken.)
> 
> ...


You should not marry her. You are not ready for the compromises of marriage. Nor are you accepting of the inevitable body changes of life. You think you have a handle on it because you are in the fitness industry. But you are young, have not dealt with the metabolic changes of life, not had to react to things such as significant injury/illness preventing exercise. You fear HER changes but say nothing of your own changes to come. Oh, and they are coming. make no bones about it

When you are ready to face your own fears and accept your own human frailties, then you may be ready to marry someone.

But not her, you dislike her previous sexual encounters, worry about her weight, and waffle about children to her. Deep down you do not want children, yet you are willing to be ambivalent as a way to seal the deal, acting as though mere time will change your mind?

Nope, do not marry her. Your commitment to her happiness is not there.


----------

