# Outgoing Wife In Public, but Not In Bed



## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Hello All,

My wife and I are currently fighting over nonsense, but here is one issue that happened yesterday. 

We go to a cookout and have a few drinks. We're both having a good time mingling with everyone. As I'm sitting there I noticed something after 15 years.

She really turns it on at a party. Sexy attitude, dancing, confident, and outgoing. I can tell on the guy's faces and some off the wall comnents they enjoy it. It's ok with me a little annoying, but it's fine.

I simply asked her today if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom).

Now she's mad...wtf.. I can't win. 

Am I wrong?

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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

My wife does the same thing. When we're out with friends at a party she's always happy, flirty and has a great time. Then when we get home it's like the ice queen and when I say something about it she gets mad. It makes no sense to me and it's always been like that. She come into a conversation with the guys, pass off the wall comments, sometimes sexual one's about or towards me, and I'll pass them back. When we're at home together if I pass comments like that she gets mad at me or just ignores them. I stopped trying to figure it out.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

If she gets away with that flirty behavior with others at parties, she'll keep doing it. Any kind of comments about trying to reel her in at parties will probably be taken as controlling and therefore she gets mad. Now if a guy tries to get away with something like that and flirt with other women at parties, that probably would not be cool.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Juice said:


> She really turns it on at a party. Sexy attitude, dancing, confident, and outgoing. I can tell on the guy's faces and some off the wall comnents they enjoy it. It's ok with me a little annoying, but it's fine.
> 
> I simply asked her today if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom).
> 
> ...


Considering all the issues surrounding your sex life, going back for years (how many?) and knowing that your wife is not the most sexual woman around, YES it's easy to see how she would view your comment as a bit tactless and off-putting. What exactly did you expect to happen? She would say "sure, absolutely" and there would be some eureka moment for her and things would change in the bedroom? Whether or not it is indeed the case, it would be difficult for anyone to hear from their partner that their energy in the bedroom ain't that great. 

Furthermore, if she has little interest in sex, then in her mind she's having sex primarily for your benefit. If I feel like I'm doing someone a favour and then they turn around and ask me to put more energy into what I'm doing, of course I would be pissed. I would think that person was hella ungrateful and out of place. She probably wanted to tell you to "oh **** off!"

While I don't have any suggestions on how to improve your sex life, I hope this helps you understand why she would be pissed at your comment.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Considering all the issues surrounding your sex life, going back for years (how many?) and knowing that your wife is not the most sexual woman around, YES it's easy to see how she would view your comment as a bit tactless and off-putting. What exactly did you expect to happen? She would say "sure, absolutely" and there would be some eureka moment for her and things would change in the bedroom? Whether or not it is indeed the case, it would be difficult for anyone to hear from their partner that their energy in the bedroom ain't that great.


Seems a reasonable question to me. If you're showing enthusiasm in other aspects of life, why aren't you showing enthusiasm in this one? 

Is there a _more _tactful way to put this or is the idea it shouldn't even be brought up in the first place? 




Keke24 said:


> Furthermore, if she has little interest in sex, then in her mind she's having sex primarily for your benefit. If I feel like I'm doing someone a favour and then they turn around and ask me to put more energy into what I'm doing, of course I would be pissed. I would think that person was hella ungrateful and out of place. She probably wanted to tell you to "oh **** off!"
> 
> While I don't have any suggestions on how to improve your sex life, I hope this helps you understand why she would be pissed at your comment.


If she's just "having sex primarily for [his] benefit," then she's really not doing much for him anyway, and she probably knows it. (reference the many posts about the corrosive effects of "duty sex"). It's almost impossible to put the requisite energy for excellence into anything you're not into in the first place and that goes double for sex. 

This couple needs to look into why she's not into it, and I doubt there's any way the OP could have brought this up without it causing a stink, but that doesn't mean it doesn't need addressed. Very little gets improved without ruffling a few feathers in the process.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Keke24 said:


> Considering all the issues surrounding your sex life, going back for years (how many?) and knowing that your wife is not the most sexual woman around, YES it's easy to see how she would view your comment as a bit tactless and off-putting. What exactly did you expect to happen? She would say "sure, absolutely" and there would be some eureka moment for her and things would change in the bedroom? Whether or not it is indeed the case, it would be difficult for anyone to hear from their partner that their energy in the bedroom ain't that great.
> 
> Furthermore, if she has little interest in sex, then in her mind she's having sex primarily for your benefit. If I feel like I'm doing someone a favour and then they turn around and ask me to put more energy into what I'm doing, of course I would be pissed. I would think that person was hella ungrateful and out of place. She probably wanted to tell you to "oh **** off!"
> 
> While I don't have any suggestions on how to improve your sex life, I hope this helps you understand why she would be pissed at your comment.


Isn't it about communication? So from your point of view I should just keep my thoughts too myself and pretend everything is dandy. We all have quirks and flaws that out partners may not like. It's communicating with each other to better they relationship. 

Btw. Sexlife had been better the last couple months since we can communicate more effectively. I'm pretty sure she's enjoying it: )


Edit: why would a woman get upset when ther husband says there sexy, confident, and outgoing oh...and hot That's why a lot of men find you attractive

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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

My wife is the same way. When we are out with other people she has the naughtiest mind in the room. She'll be talking with other women or in a mixed crowd and she is the one giving all the double meaning lines. Most of our friends would be surprised to find out she puts no effort into our sex life and it has been an issue for many years. They all think she has sex on her mind 24/7. 

The other day she told me a story about some one in work who confided that they surprised their wife with a vibrator, but the wife was not to happy and suggested shoving it up his ass. She thought the whole thing hilarious. Two days later we are working outside and I made two joking comments about her underwear. I was quickly told to knock it off.

I think she wants people to believe the exact opposite of what she is really like. I think the she knows exactly what she is doing but will not bring it home.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Juice said:


> Isn't it about communication? So from your point of view I should just keep my thoughts too myself and pretend everything is dandy. We all have quirks and flaws that out partners may not like. It's communicating with each other to better they relationship.
> 
> Btw. Sexlife had been better the last couple months since we can communicate more effectively. I'm pretty sure she's enjoying it: )
> 
> ...


You can communicate all you want but that doesn't preclude the person with whom you are communicating to take offense to your message. In other words, you can't control other people's emotions. 

You asked "Am I wrong" for asking your low desire wife, who you've been trying to change now for years,"if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom)." No, you are not wrong for asking but your wife is also not wrong for interpreting your question exactly as @Keke24 described. You expressed yourself one way....she expressed herself a different way. You've said your piece, now move on. 

Question for you.....knowing what you know about your wife, did you believe she was going to respond to you differently than how she responded?


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Lila said:


> You can communicate all you want but that doesn't preclude the person with whom you are communicating to take offense to your message. In other words, you can't control other people's emotions.
> 
> You asked "Am I wrong" for asking your low desire wife, who you've been trying to change now for years,"if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom)." No, you are not wrong for asking but your wife is also not wrong for interpreting your question exactly as @Keke24 described. You expressed yourself one way....she expressed herself a different way. You've said your piece, now move on.
> 
> Question for you.....knowing what you know about your wife, did you believe she was going to respond to you differently than how she responded?


I understand what you're saying. I thought it could've went 50/50 good/bad.

There was a couple other things that happened yesterday that added fuel to the fire.

She doesn't really understand the switch I'm talking about. Oh well... 


Edit. I thought it would've gave her a little more confidence if I expressed my feelings 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

At home the hot water tap is not only shut off, it is in her bathroom. Her bathroom door remains locked, Off limits to your skinny skin skin.

She is not a cold fish...oh No!

Your flesh lure does not attract her any more.

I see this as a red flag.

Some other fisherman's deep sea diving lure can hook her. Snag her.

Some other guy will get his bait nibbled on.

She is blatantly sending you and the other men. My heart and legs are open for business. Catch me if you can.

Believe me when I tell you. Her fishing hole is not fished out. The right guy will catch a lunker azz.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Juice said:


> Isn't it about communication? So from your point of view I should just keep my thoughts too myself and pretend everything is dandy. We all have quirks and flaws that out partners may not like. It's communicating with each other to better they relationship.
> 
> Btw. Sexlife had been better the last couple months since we can communicate more effectively. I'm pretty sure she's enjoying it: )
> 
> ...


Note that I did not attempt to suggest what should be done or whether you were right. I suggested why your wife would respond negatively to your comment/question. 

As to the bolded above, a woman would get upset if her husband suggests she's sexy and confident when that compliment is followed by the suggestion that she's not those things in the bedroom. Then it's no longer a compliment but a complaint, a complaint regarding an extremely personal and sensitive aspect of her persona.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> At home the hot water tap is not only shut off, it is in her bathroom. Her bathroom door remains locked, Off limits to your skinny skin skin.
> 
> She is not a cold fish...oh No!
> 
> ...


Ok. That's fine. I think you're fishing for something. My dropshot techniques keeps her around.

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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Juice said:


> Isn't it about communication? So from your point of view I should just keep my thoughts too myself and pretend everything is dandy. We all have quirks and flaws that out partners may not like. It's communicating with each other to better they relationship.
> 
> Btw. Sexlife had been better the last couple months since we can communicate more effectively. I'm pretty sure she's enjoying it: )
> 
> ...


Something my wife had said to me when I asked her about why she flirts and makes little comments when we're out in social settings may help at least think of things differently, it did for me. My wife does get flirty when we're out, and she has been caught receiving suggestive texts and sending flirty ones. Regardless of all that since it seems to have all been straightened out now, during an argument once I asked her why she always flirts with other people but she hardly ever flirts with me. Her answer, at the time I was upset and just thought it was an excuse, but her answer was that she felt it was easy just to flirt because she never felt there was any expectation to ever follow through with the flirt. And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood. 

When she told me this, like I said, I though of it as just another BS excuse and it didn't make sense. As I've thought about it now, it does make sense because yes at times when she's flirted with me I did end up expecting something when we got home that night. And I realized that even with myself, it's the expectations or assumed expectations we have of our spouses that end to bring down our outlook on the relationship or marriage when we feel they're not being met.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Something my wife had said to me when I asked her about why she flirts and makes little comments when we're out in social settings may help at least think of things differently, it did for me. My wife does get flirty when we're out, and she has been caught receiving suggestive texts and sending flirty ones. Regardless of all that since it seems to have all been straightened out now, during an argument once I asked her why she always flirts with other people but she hardly ever flirts with me. Her answer, at the time I was upset and just thought it was an excuse, but her answer was that she felt it was easy just to flirt because she never felt there was any expectation to ever follow through with the flirt. And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood.
> 
> When she told me this, like I said, I though of it as just another BS excuse and it didn't make sense. As I've thought about it now, it does make sense because yes at times when she's flirted with me I did end up expecting something when we got home that night. And I realized that even with myself, it's the expectations or assumed expectations we have of our spouses that end to bring down our outlook on the relationship or marriage when we feel they're not being met.


Spot on. I think this is precisely why OP's wife is comfortable being her sexy self in public. This was indeed the case for me when I became LD (more like ZD honestly!-zero desire) in my last relationship.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Did you video her at the party?

Did you get her a little drunk before talking to her about it?

With my wife's history you better believe I video her any time. She always believes I have a video of her to back up any claim I make. But even before I discovered my wife is so special and I started recording her she didn't argue with me much. 

She would just shrug her shoulders and say, "I don't know."


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Always Learning said:


> My wife is the same way. When we are out with other people she has the naughtiest mind in the room. She'll be talking with other women or in a mixed crowd and she is the one giving all the double meaning lines. Most of our friends would be surprised to find out she puts no effort into our sex life and it has been an issue for many years. They all think she has sex on her mind 24/7.
> 
> The other day she told me a story about some one in work who confided that they surprised their wife with a vibrator, but the wife was not to happy and suggested shoving it up his ass. She thought the whole thing hilarious. Two days later we are working outside and I made two joking comments about her underwear. I was quickly told to knock it off.
> 
> I think she wants people to believe the exact opposite of what she is really like. I think the she knows exactly what she is doing but will not bring it home.


I liken this as similar to the Facebook life and the real life as it is being lived. Many have a Facebook life of rainbows and unicorns. Everything is awesome. Putting on airs. In reality the true day to day is totally opposite. Husband and or wife is to keep up with the appearance that the Facebook life is just as it is posted by their significant other. Don't either one dare tell the true story.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> Spot on. I think this is precisely why OP's wife is comfortable being her sexy self in public. This was indeed the case for me when I became LD (more like ZD honestly!-zero desire) in my last relationship.


It's funny how much better things got, for me at least, when I just dropped pretty much all of my expectations of her. She still seems to have a wall up with certain things and at certain times but things have gotten better. She knows and has seen I don't expect anything from her other than typical household and family type things, and she has opened up and become more relaxed.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Always Learning said:


> My wife is the same way. When we are out with other people she has the naughtiest mind in the room. She'll be talking with other women or in a mixed crowd and she is the one giving all the double meaning lines. Most of our friends would be surprised to find out she puts no effort into our sex life and it has been an issue for many years. They all think she has sex on her mind 24/7.
> 
> The other day she told me a story about some one in work who confided that they surprised their wife with a vibrator, but the wife was not to happy and suggested shoving it up his ass. She thought the whole thing hilarious. Two days later we are working outside and I made two joking comments about her underwear. I was quickly told to knock it off.
> 
> I think she wants people to believe the exact opposite of what she is really like. I think the she knows exactly what she is doing but will not bring it home.


It's the expectation part of things. Knowing that they can say or post whatever they want but never have to actually follow through with it or live up to it makes it easy. Even on the subject of sex toys, while out in a crowd and having a few drinks she'll be the first one to make a comment about toys if it fits into the conversation. But then years ago when we had both agreed we need to spice things up a little, I bought her a couple toys and she looked at me like I had 3 heads. And even still today, if I suggest taking out the toys, it's met with an attitude or nasty look. But if she takes them out it's all good.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

AtMyEnd said:


> It's funny how much better things got, for me at least, when I just dropped pretty much all of my expectations of her. She still seems to have a wall up with certain things and at certain times but things have gotten better. She knows and has seen I don't expect anything from her other than typical household and family type things, and she has opened up and become more relaxed.


Was she able to similarly drop her expectations of you?


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

farsidejunky said:


> Was she able to similarly drop her expectations of you?


For the most part it seems she has. There are still times were I can clearly see that's not the case, but I just keep doing what I'm doing and ignore it. But yes, things have been slowly getting much better between us. I know I had certain expectations of things and it was wrong to have them, and then not seeing the result I expected made things worse between us. It's something I told her I'm trying to stop doing and I'm working on, and she's told me the same.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Some women need to feel sexually desirable, attractive and sexy. Hearing it from a husband is expected and does not do much to make her feel the way she wants to fear. I have dated women who were all talk and no action. One in particular was like a dead body in the bed but acted like a flirt when in social gatherings. I have been with very shy women with hot bodies that would not consider showing cleavage and yet in bed she was insatiable and a dominatrix. Then there is my wife who had a shy personality when we married, and yet was a tiger in bed and open to any and all sexual experiences. We all sometimes need to get an ego boost from the opposite sex. I know from personal experience that sometimes your flirting is taken as an invitation for sex. I think we all can agree that alcohol is the best sexual lubricant and no matter what we think of our women, when it comes to sex, trust no one. I was cheated on by a shy ex fiancee and a flirty ex girlfriend. Does not seem to matter. I did learn my lesson though. I needed to make the woman in my life feel the way they needed to feel and not take them for granted because they crawled into bed with me every night.

I am now married for over 44 years. I make my 64 year old wife feel sexy and desired every day. Too much in fact. She is not the women I married obviously due to age, but she feels the same way I made her feel when we were just dating and that has been more than enough for her. She once asked me how I could still find her attractive and I told her that when I look at her I still she the young girl I married. Read this article because a lot of times our significant others fall out of love with us but are comfortable with things the way they are.

http://www.today.com/health/how-long-does-passion-last-four-stages-love-t108471


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Some women need to feel sexually desirable, attractive and sexy.


The illogic of this is maddening. If you have no desire for sex, why do you desire to feel sexually attractive? What a waste of energy. This just affirms that such a person (maybe the OP's wife in this thread) is completely unconscious, running on blind instinct, and a very selfish instinct in that. It is not the behavior of a person with any level of self awareness. 



Vinnydee said:


> I am now married for over 44 years. I make my 64 year old wife feel sexy and desired every day. Too much in fact. She is not the women I married obviously due to age, but she feels the same way I made her feel when we were just dating and that has been more than enough for her. She once asked me how I could still find her attractive and I told her that when I look at her I still she the young girl I married. Read this article because a lot of times our significant others fall out of love with us but are comfortable with things the way they are.


As it should be. The ONLY person she should be looking for sexual interest from is her husband! I want to be attractive to my wife. Period. I couldn't give a [email protected] @$$ what any other woman thinks of my level of attractiveness.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Vinnydee said:


> Some women need to feel sexually desirable, attractive and sexy. Hearing it from a husband is expected and does not do much to make her feel the way she wants to fear.


I hear that sometimes. The infamous, "You are my H it does not count when you say it. You're supposed to say those things." I tell ya, in no uncertain terms, advise my W that I say these things because I mean it when I say it. I sure the hell is not because I'm supposed to say it as I'm her H. I'll never understand that logic....


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> The ONLY person she should be looking for sexual interest from is her husband! I want to be attractive to my wife. Period. I couldn't give a [email protected] @$$ what any other woman thinks of my level of attractiveness.


True. I want to be attractive to my W as well. I don't care what other women think of my attractiveness. I get cleaned up everyday without fail for my W. My W reciprocates so I'm attracted to her and as she saids, "I don't embarrass you in public." Like I have ever said that she embarrassed me with anything! In that respect all is good in my world.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Something my wife had said to me when I asked her about why she flirts and makes little comments when we're out in social settings may help at least think of things differently, it did for me. My wife does get flirty when we're out, and she has been caught receiving suggestive texts and sending flirty ones. Regardless of all that since it seems to have all been straightened out now, during an argument once I asked her why she always flirts with other people but she hardly ever flirts with me. Her answer, at the time I was upset and just thought it was an excuse, but her answer was that she felt it was easy just to flirt because *she never felt there was any expectation to ever follow through with the flirt*. And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood.
> 
> When she told me this, like I said, I though of it as just another BS excuse and it didn't make sense. As I've thought about it now, it does make sense because yes at times when she's flirted with me I did end up expecting something when we got home that night. And I realized that even with myself, it's the expectations or assumed expectations we have of our spouses that end to bring down our outlook on the relationship or marriage when we feel they're not being met.


They say the Truth hurts.......

Boy! It sure does with this answer. And such a lame answer, to boot.

She enjoys the back and forth, the chase. She enjoys the fantasies of other men responding to her advances. And that is so hurtful. At least to me.

You, the husband, are not good enough to flirt with. But are good enough to witness her flirting under your nose. This is torture.

This one has contempt for you.

DH is so bad, so to punish him, she will let her tongue slather sweet-nothings onto strangers. She will wind up their covered clock works, but not yours. 

She did not even try to smooth over the Truth.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Juice said:


> Hello All,
> 
> My wife and I are currently fighting over nonsense, but here is one issue that happened yesterday.
> 
> ...


I know this won't help you much, but I have female friends whose husbands do the male equivalent of this. I have one friend who is in a sexless marriage to a man who completely withholds sex from her, but he is jovial, charismatic, and even sexy to women in their circles (neighbors, church, PTA parents, soccer moms, etc) and all the women swoon about him. Meanwhile at home, he hasn't had sex with his wife or touched her or kissed her in over 2 years. She just stands amazed at all the female attention he gets (oh he's so dreamy, does he have a brother?!) and can't figure out why he does this.

I have other friends whose husbands are more attentive and touchy-feely with their wives when around other people, but behind closed doors they show no affection and there is little sex.

I honestly don't think there is much thought put into this by the husbands. They are just being their "party personality" in those circumstances. They reserve their party personality for parties and for outside people, but it doesn't apply to their wife. If the hypocrisy of their actions was brought up to them, they would simply say, as if it is totally normal, "well that's just my party personality" (not using the actual phrase but that's the gist of it). In other words, "that's just how I act when out in certain circumstances".

It is somewhat like when you are pissed off at your kid but you are in public and don't want to embarrass yourself or your kid at that time, but boy are you going to lay into the kid later in private. To the kid it's like "hey wait a minute...if you were this mad at me why didn't you just say it in front of everyone??" The kid realizes that you would be embarrassed if you let loose in public, and that gives the kid the idea that maybe you aren't totally right to let loose on him or her at all. If you are this way in front of people but another way in front of others, then who are you really?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> Spot on. I think this is precisely why OP's wife is comfortable being her sexy self in public. This was indeed the case for me when I became LD (more like ZD honestly!-zero desire) in my last relationship.





> by AtMyEnd
> 
> And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood.


I had to come back for another bite of this sour apple.

Juiice.. @Keke24 nailed it through your heart. Your wife has anger/contempt for you, has no desire for you. Wow :frown2:

Hurtful, if true........I believe it is.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

@faithfulwife that is strange of your friends husband. She should find someone that takes care of her. No sex in 2 years would make me run away. 

I tend to be outgoing and probably a little charming (flirty) at parties, but my switch is always on especially for my wife.



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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> I had to come back for another bite of this sour apple.
> 
> Juiice.. @Keke24 nailed it through your heart. Your wife has anger/contempt for you, has no desire for you. Wow :frown2:
> 
> Hurtful, if true........I believe it is.


Believe what you want. You came back here to stir the pot because you're hungry to keep people on edge in these forums. You seek and try and destroy with your nonsensical post. All I can say is good luck with that. 

I also disagree with @Keke24 nailing it. To a certain extent she may be correct saying my wife took it negatively, but how do you express your feeling without communication?

I don't live a sexless marriage, I have sex 2 or more times a week, and I'm in a good relationship. I'm just looking for enthusiasm in the bedroom.

Its a working progress that is getting better by communicating with each other.





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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Always Learning said:


> My wife is the same way. When we are out with other people she has the naughtiest mind in the room. She'll be talking with other women or in a mixed crowd and she is the one giving all the double meaning lines. Most of our friends would be surprised to find out she puts no effort into our sex life and it has been an issue for many years. They all think she has sex on her mind 24/7.





AtMyEnd said:


> but her answer was that she felt it was easy just to flirt because she never felt there was any expectation to ever follow through with the flirt. And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood.
> 
> When she told me this, like I said, I though of it as just another BS excuse and it didn't make sense. As I've thought about it now, it does make sense because yes at times when she's flirted with me I did end up expecting something when we got home that night. And I realized that even with myself, it's the expectations or assumed expectations we have of our spouses that end to bring down our outlook on the relationship or marriage when we feel they're not being met.


You answered your own question, I think, and this was pretty much what I was going to say.

My wife was also like this, many years ago, until I had a heartfelt discussion about boundaries and why this was wrong. Mainly about how it made her, made me, and made us, as a couple, look to others.

For my wife, it was almost subconscious behaviour. This is how she's always felt like "part of the group", I suppose. We have a friend who's fairly quiet and serious when he needs to be, but as soon as he's in a social situation, he's the life of the party. Loud, always cracking jokes, can't sit still. He's MUCH quieter when it's just a few of us. It's how he fits in, in larger groups. Maybe when he goes home, his wife asks him why he doesn't joke around like that with her, who knows? Some people just adopt a different persona when in the company of others.

We also have a friend who's going through a divorce, and picking up the pieces, as it were. When we hang out with her, the conversation often goes to that topic. And my wife dives right in, including on the topic of sex. (her ex husband never initiated sex, for example, and when they did have sex, it was over in minutes. And they would go weeks or even months at a time with no sex). And my wife is right in there, discussing the topic with her. Meanwhile, I'm sitting there saying to myself "her ex-husband is YOU!"

It's about fitting in. Most of us want to fit in, in social circles. Sometimes this invites one to over-compensate in certain ways. And because it works, it continues. It's a chameleon-like personality, and most of us do it, at one point or another. We don't talk to our peers the same way we talk to our elders, for example. We temper our personalities to those around us, more often than not. And sometimes it's simply more apparent and obvious.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Juice said:


> Believe what you want. You came back here to stir the pot because you're hungry to keep people on edge in these forums. You seek and try and destroy with your nonsensical post. All I can say is good luck with that.
> 
> I also disagree with @Keke24 nailing it. To a certain extent she may be correct saying my wife took it negatively, but how do you express your feeling without communication?
> 
> ...


Thank you for setting the record straight...

And for fighting for your position..

Mine, might be an over-statement.

My bad ??

The "on edge" statement is spot-on.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Juice said:


> Believe what you want. You came back here to stir the pot because you're hungry to keep people on edge in these forums. You seek and try and destroy with your nonsensical post. All I can say is good luck with that.
> 
> I also disagree with @Keke24 nailing it. To a certain extent she may be correct saying my wife took it negatively, but how do you express your feeling without communication?
> 
> ...


 @Juice, don't think for one minute that my post advocated against communication. No way would I suggest that, especially in light of the seriousness of sexual issues between partners. The suggestion is to be more tactful and considerate of the context of your own situation. 

I think you're still having difficulty understanding (or accepting?) why the way you phrased your query to your wife, didn't go down so well with her. Is that the case?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> @Juice, don't think for one minute that my post advocated against communication. No way would I suggest that, especially in light of the seriousness of sexual issues between partners. The suggestion is to be more tactful and considerate of the context of your own situation.
> 
> I think you're still having difficulty understanding (or accepting?) why the way you phrased your query to your wife, didn't go down so well with her. Is that the case?


It seems apparent that the way he "phrased [his] query" didn't "go down so well with her. What we don't know is exactly how it was phrased. 

From the original post:
"I simply asked her today if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom)."

Sounds innocuous enough. But of course, we weren't there and we don't know the exact words that were used and, more importantly, didn't hear the tone of voice and see the nonverbals which may have been far more telling than the words themselves.

The thing is, some people will take any such question, no matter how tactfully expressed, as an attack and respond in kind. This goes double if they know they've been inattentive in the area under discussion--rather than wanting to work on the issue, they'll dig in their heels with all the irrationality and hurt they can muster. 

Sure, the question may have gone down badly, but it may well be that there was absolutely no way it could have gone down otherwise, so harping on how it was presented will not be helpful--unless OP did actually pose it as an attack and needs the 2x4 to realize that. But if he didn't, continuing this line of inquiry is of no use.


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

@SunCMars

No problem and it's all good. My wife simply doesn't put sex up high on the priority list in her life. 

The two post you shared your thoughts on went directly to me losing her and her not desiring me. If I took your advice seriously (like some people do on here) I would then constantly be worried and eventually confront my wife insinuating that she might leave me for someone else. I simply do not have the time or energy to go down that path, and most likely those thoughts would cause more bickering and arguing. I'm thinking on a more positive level.
@Keke24 yes it didn't go down well and she was more confused than anything. I honestly think their is no good way to tell your partner that the sex is not up to par. Feelings will get hurt, but it needs to be said. 


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Juice said:


> @SunCMars
> 
> No problem and it's all good. My wife simply doesn't put sex up high on the priority list in her life.
> 
> ...


On nagging-

Remember THIS..

Many trips to the black and white burning sands of a desert having sparse water will inure your feet to said sand, the sun and the heat. They will callous over.

The collateral issue is THIS: Yours' will not be the only pair of soles getting roasted. Her's too will scar over...feel less. The skin thickening, loosing sensitivity forever.

When her 10 naive' toes, one-by-one, shed their empathy, their neediness....her sandals will find another home, another step, to sit on. Stepping up or down..matters not, if they step away from you.
........................................................................................................................................................................................
On making your point-

Stubbornly march out into the desert if you must, but she follows in your shadow. A shadow [not grey] but your ' seen' black and white. 

Soon she will follow your lead.
Soon she will leave you. fella, not follow.

She is yours' until she says she is not...yours'

Push her, sparingly.

Just Sayin'


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Oh well @SunCMars oh well.
Think what you want. 

What if I'm already gone? lol



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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Juice said:


> Oh well @SunCMars oh well.
> Think what you want.
> 
> What if I'm already gone? lol
> ...



???????????

Are you gone?

Are you going to pack it in, end your marriage? What are you saying?


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Haha. No I'm not gone. 

Plenty of "what if's" out there though Hey.. You never know is what I was saying.

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It seems that the "communication" process with her has been off the table for a very long time!

The methodology of this treatment of you is tantamount to "a cruel and unusual punishment!"

Love, affection, and attentiveness to both physiological and psychological needs is the hallmark of all good marriages!

In the absence of that, you have every right in the world to divorce yourself from that and find a loving woman who will truly appreciate you for who you are!*


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *It seems that the "communication" process with her has been off the table for a very long time!
> 
> The methodology of this treatment of you is tantamount to "a cruel and unusual punishment!"
> 
> ...


Great Point! 

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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Juice,

You’ve been at this for awhile with little improvement it seems, you're not alone in this either.

You wrote in an earlier posting that when you met your W she was doing things with other women, perhaps she is repulsed by men, have you checked if she is cheating with women?

What are you doing to monitor your Ws communications?

She may have had a desire to get married and have a family and she wanted a husband but she may not have wanted a lover. 

I suspect your W still has a sex drive just none for you, women seem to be able to go sexually dormant and then reenergize when they need or want to. If this happens for someone else you will regret the sacrifices you have made most bitterly.

Tamat


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

AtMyEnd said:


> Something my wife had said to me when I asked her about why she flirts and makes little comments when we're out in social settings may help at least think of things differently, it did for me. My wife does get flirty when we're out, and she has been caught receiving suggestive texts and sending flirty ones. Regardless of all that since it seems to have all been straightened out now, during an argument once I asked her why she always flirts with other people but she hardly ever flirts with me. Her answer, at the time I was upset and just thought it was an excuse, but her answer was that she felt it was easy just to flirt because she never felt there was any expectation to ever follow through with the flirt. And that she felt that if she flirted with me or made comments to me that she always felt she was expected to follow through with them even if she was just messing around or not in the mood.
> 
> When she told me this, like I said, I though of it as just another BS excuse and it didn't make sense. As I've thought about it now, it does make sense because yes at times when she's flirted with me I did end up expecting something when we got home that night. And I realized that even with myself, it's the expectations or assumed expectations we have of our spouses that end to bring down our outlook on the relationship or marriage when we feel they're not being met.


There's a word for that kind of behavior. 

C0cktease.

She knows precisely what she's doing. If you're fine with it, then you're fine with it, but being a woman myself, and an admitted former tease before I matured and wizened up, I'm telling you that it is IMO an inappropriate, self - validating behavior for a married woman.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

She's probably put time and effort into her appearances for these gatherings and thus FEELS sexy and outgoing. The people there are enabling her and responding to her so she's enjoying it. (Nothing wrong with this.) When you guys get home, is it just sweat pants and Netflix with maybe an occasional snuggle? It just doesn't sound like whatever personal environment you two have doesn't *do* it for her.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Juice said:


> I simply asked her today if she could bring some of that energy into our private life (in the bedroom).
> 
> Now she's mad...wtf.. I can't win.


Hi, wanting her to bring some of that energy into the bedroom seems reasonable, but the manner, timing, tone, and backstory is important. Based only on reading the op and a few posts thereafter there seems to be more to your story than I know. Maybe her reaction is out of line, or we don't have balanced information. In any case I'm sorry there's an issue between the two of you and hope you both find common ground.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It sounds to me like she (and anybody who does this) does it for the attention and feeling of power it gives, not out of sexual desire. So for her to do it with you in private doesn't give her what she wants.

What happens when you try flirting back with her in public?


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> She's probably put time and effort into her appearances for these gatherings and thus FEELS sexy and outgoing. The people there are enabling her and responding to her so she's enjoying it. (Nothing wrong with this.) When you guys get home, is it just sweat pants and Netflix with maybe an occasional snuggle? It just doesn't sound like whatever personal environment you two have doesn't *do* it for her.


I agree... my wife doesn't go to that level of flirting like AtMyEnd's W. She's not texting guys either. I would call it quits at that point.

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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

UnicornCupcake said:


> She's probably put time and effort into her appearances for these gatherings and thus FEELS sexy and outgoing. The people there are enabling her and responding to her so she's enjoying it. (Nothing wrong with this.) When you guys get home, is it just sweat pants and Netflix with maybe an occasional snuggle? It just doesn't sound like whatever personal environment you two have doesn't *do* it for her.


I agree she should want to feel and be sexy. Everyone should feel good about themselves. I stay in shape and try to dress nice for the occasion, so I can look good. Not just for my wife but for my own self confidence. 

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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Haiku said:


> Hi, wanting her to bring some of that energy into the bedroom seems reasonable, but the manner, timing, tone, and backstory is important. Based only on reading the op and a few posts thereafter there seems to be more to your story than I know. Maybe her reaction is out of line, or we don't have balanced information. In any case I'm sorry there's an issue between the two of you and hope you both find common ground.


Thanks for the reply. Yes there's to sides to every story. If she told her side I'm sure people would judge me as well.

She really doesn't understand anything about the passion or desire I'm looking for. I told her that I'm left feeling empty (maybe I'm too emotional.. Lol).

Timing is one of our biggest issues. We have different schedules and children so it makes it hard. We're pretty much left with quickies all the time (most likely why I feel like there's no passion or desire). We've discussed this and she brought up great points and let me know that she tries. She pretty much said when the kids are gone things will be different. That's a long time from noe though 

And she certainly showed me some loving yesterday afternoon  semi-quickie but lots of fun!

I guess I complain and patience it key



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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It sounds to me like she (and anybody who does this) does it for the attention and feeling of power it gives, not out of sexual desire. So for her to do it with you in private doesn't give her what she wants.
> 
> What happens when you try flirting back with her in public?


I can flirt with her in public. She takes it in and doesn't mind. We touch/grab each other all the time.

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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Thanks Everyone for the replies. There's no doubt marriage is tough and filled with plenty of ups and downs.

I think I'm going to take a break from TAM for a while and focus on other things in life. Unfortunately reading the issues on this site has help led to a certain degree, but it also has led me down a road to always questioning my relationship. 

My wife and I talked yesterday and she truly is trying. We've been to counseling on two different occasions. In counseling I learned that she really doesn't get horny, but once things get started shes good to go.

She also spoke to two OBGYN and they both laughed at her (We know both) and they said she's perfectly healthy and life for us is really busy right now. They both said men and women are just wired differently. 

We also got some self help books that really have helped build our relationship. 

In the end though. Communicating and being honest with each other has been the best solution so far.


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