# Need my next steps for success



## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

First post. Need my next moves. Found out wife was with an aquantaince for a while. How long not sure.
We have a 7 yr. Old and 3 yr. Old. Married for 7 years. She moved out the day before our anniversary July 3.

I did the needy pushy thing like you all know too well. She will still not admit infidelity. Says just friends. I know better. Have plenty of info.
We are nice to each other and have a good talking relationship. Even better now really.

I have bettered my self and am doing the 180 pretty good. Still had my moments. At this point I need to know weather to press the being honest thing more or leave it be. I know she needs space from me either way which she has now. Cordjual for the kids and I am doing my best to Hold my path of happiness either way it goes. Do I give it a month to let her be or tell her rules of seperation or is that pointless. Do I just worry about me. Or do I ask and show her things she needs to think about. She has depression issues. Issues with me In the past as well as a knack of running from issues. I think I am the best thing for her and love her dearly but also will not be walked over. 

I have read a lot here so far and know the rules of reconciliation and know the basics of what I need to do. But is there anything I can do for her to get her out of limbo and on the path of reconciliation or freedom. Or is time the first step with no more deep conversation. I know I can't make her love me but also want to show her there is hope with hard work if she chooses to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I sense you are giving your wife more options then she needs right now. I think you may need to go dark and show her that this limbo crap is not working fro you.

Let her see how confident you are in letting her go and then maybe she will start to think twice in what she is about to lose.

At the end of the day you can't compete with her her new love...as long as she is with the OM the marriage is toaste.

Go find a nice girl to hang out with and distance your self...only then will your old lady start to second guess her choices.


From were I am sitting, I have a feeling your old lady thinks you will always be around for her and has no reason to change...especially when her new relationship is still going stong.

Have you exposed the affair?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Did you kick her out or was that her idea to leave?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

To reconcile, the affair has to be broken up. Moving out for space, is done so the affair can be easier.

Who is the affair partner? Have you exposed this to his family and friends to kill he affair?

You need the two books linked below in my signature as fast as possible.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Get the proof you need documented and expose now


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Moving out for space, is done so the affair can be easier.


:iagree:

OP, you have it all wrong. She is not in limbo, you are.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude, right now she is not capable of the truth, it is a waste of your time. You need to be cordial for the children's sake, but she is not your friend, buddy or pal. She is merely their mother and you give her respect for that reason only. There is no other reason to talk to her.......until.......she has decided to reconcile or divorce. In the mean time you need to consult with an attorney and find out your legal rights. Separate your money, she should have hers and you should have yours, joint money should be for paying bills only. 

She is going to do what she is going to do, that may be good or bad for the relationship, but you have no control over that part. You can only control you and should focus on that and your children. Exercise is good to help relieve stress and makes you a healthier you. Look to do lots of things with the kids on your time with them. This will help take the focus off of the problems and helps assure them that no matter what, things will be ok. Hobbies are another good way to enjoy your time and take the focus off of the negative things in your life. Life continues and not put on hold, despite her selfish behavior. You chose what happens in your life. 

If she comes back, fine, you should look to do a polygraph to get the truth. If she comes back you will need to do counseling to resolve the relationship issues. If she comes back, the relationship will need to have open communication and password to both parties. If she doesn't come back then you have to take care of the legal issues and go find someone who appreciates you, either way you will be fine.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Onceloved said:


> Or do I ask and show her things she needs to think about._Posted via Mobile Device_


My thinking is if she even cares about what you think she wouldn't be screwing around.

So why waste your breath?


The only thing she is thinking about is her new man. if you want your wife to even consider you again she has to see you mvoing on with out her.

She is not you friend, she betrayed you and your family and now you still let her walk all over you by befriending her after such disrespect.

You are trying to nice your way out of this and it doesn't work!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Is this man married of has a SO? Exposure done?
Do you know for sure she's NC with him? What kind of snooping tools you have in place?
What kind of hard core evidence you have?

I'd go hard core 180 and talking to a lawyer unless she commit at least to:
NC with POSOM
Transparence
Full disclosure.


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

Thanks all. I put a spare work phone I. Her car and gps her. Was there and not her sisters. Been caught in a few lies as well. No total proof but enough for me maybe not court.it is exposed to our families. He is a divorced douch living in parents basement. Doesn't care for his kid. Why would he ours.
Mine and his mutual friends know something is up so he is distanced there as well. Everyone knows something is up. I just don't know if still on going deep or on the way out.
I want to tell her to NC with him if she ever wants a chance. I took all credit and bank cards so we are seperate there.

I hate to go to attorney. Yes I have agreed to give her some monies while seperated for kids and it will be documented. She is still upside down even with that. Not giving her free ride. It is much less than I would pay with joint custody. Stupid probably but she needs something. Been stay at home mom for 7 years and only part time right now. 

I am doing great on my own. She still needs to watch the kids at her place while I work though. I still feel it best until school starts back up. It makes her be responsible if nothing else. It was her decision to leave. Yes it is easier for her with being out to continue. She is only 10 minutes away so I can figure ways to keep tabs still. Been trying to expose him more as the douch he is. He will probably do it on his own as well. She just will not admit any wrong doing other than friends. I am Hoping she is starting to listen to her family and friends more now since exposure. She shut them out before. I believe it is starting to sink in. Oh the fun of life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

So you know the monies thing in MD. If I file for custody or legal seperation. I will be paying more than twice what she is getting. No matter what. We also must wait a year to file no matter what aside from adultery. Which i don't think I have quite enough proof for. 

Yes that may show I am serious but that is about it. I have much more to lose as far as monies are concerned

Want to work more on showing I am good by myself the best man out there and also not going to be taken advantage of. Which I know you all will still say I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

He doesn't need a place now that she has her own. Have you outed him to the parents he's living with?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Post him up on cheaterville.com.

You don't have a lot of info, so your facts will be sparse, but you can post him. I would do it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

They ALWAYS say its just a friend. Is anyone else telling you what's going on? Do you have access to her car , phone, text records, emails?


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

She was going over to his parents a lot so not sure it will do any good but I asked his brother to out him a bit. He is a good guy at least.
Every one we know figures it is even if not so that is how it is portrayed regardless.

Going over his parents plenty late at night is enough for me. She locked everything up a while back. It is either call or text at this point. She never emailed anyway.
She cancelled Facebook yesterday. Either to shut others out from asking or him. Guessing others. Who knows. We will be talking when she gets the kids today regardless. See what she says.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Talk about what?????

If it was me I wouldn't say a word to her and pretend to be talking to a new girl......

This is a perfect case were actions will speak loader the words and until she believes you are history she has no reason to change.

i get it and so does your wife...you are commanding respect and she would be doing the same thing if the shoe were on the other foot..... but I still think you could distance your self from her.

As backwards as it sounds, pushing her away most likely will bring here around. I mean really, what are going to talk about that hasn't been already said?

Your wife already knows she has you over a barrel so what could you possibly say that will make her come running back? You know you won't lawyer up' your wife knows you won't lawyer up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Think about it, your old lady is already complaining that she has to see you and listen to your flap your lips.

Do something she won't expect and thats a big smile and a quick knod with out one word spoken.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Is she on your cell phone plan?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are being way to nice. You will not nice her out of the affair... you will enable it to blossom further.


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

I am not afraid to lawyer up just dont want to do it under a month in. Waiting to see how she reacts with my action s from new sites like this. I have nothing more to say really. More to see what she wants to finally say. I have said it all. Your right.

She changed her number. Which I have. and that is something we have to talk about because I believe it to be in his plan. Need to figure that one out. Inside scoop on that. We will see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Here's alittle tip....do a reverse phone search on her new number. It will give you the primary account name. Here are a couple of free sites

Tnid.us
Namefromphone.com
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

Good call forgot about that. Yes in the same carrier as him. Slightly different location but it is in her maiden name.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Onceloved said:


> Good call forgot about that. Yes in the same carrier as him. Slightly different location but it is in her maiden name.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is preparing for divorce and has no intention of returning.

I don't know how messed up in the head she is, so you have to make the call as to whether she might once again turn around. Given what a lowlife other man seems to be (cheating with a married woman, pays no attention to his own kids, lives in his parents' basement, *does he work*?), I am guessing that her relationship with him will not last long and that she really is not thinking very well, so given the right circumstances, she could return to work on the marriage.

If you want to push her for honesty as to her cheating on you, if you haven't already tried this, you can tell her that although she may be unhappy with you now, and she is planning to divorce you, that you DID once take vows together before God and family and friends, you DID have two wonderful children together, you DID go through life's ups and downs together, and the least she can do is to tell you the truth. The least she owes you is honesty about where you stand and what is the truth of the situation, not to be left in limbo wondering and scratching your head while she makes a fool of you. You can tell her at least she owes you that.

Immediately after that conversation, whether you get the truth or not, you tell her, well, I guess we better start talking about the divorce settlement. I love you with all my heart and would have been willing to go to the ends of the earth for you, but I have no intention of laying down and rolling over while you make a complete fool of me cheating on me with someone else, especially someone who is of such low quality, someone who doesn't pay any attention to his own kids. I love you and would love to reconcile, but each day you drive the dagger deeper into my heart, and I absolutely do not intend to be your doormat, the one you lie to and show no respect to. I will work as hard as hell to improve myself and improve our marriage, but I will not be your second choice, your backup plan.

The idea is to let her know where you stand, truthfully, that you love her and want her back but are not willing to allow yourself to be lied to and disrespected this way.

Don't give her a list of conditions for her to return or for you to consider reconciling with her. That is too much for her right now, save that list for after she tells you she wants to come back, if that ever happens.

She probably is thinking that you won't go through with divorce. There are some cheaters on here, more than a few, who were very cold like your wife is, who came running back once they realized their spouse truly was moving on and filing for divorce.

Post him on cheaterville. Expose him to his ex-wife and ask for her help in saving your family from being broken up. Ask his parents to use their influence on him. Call other man and tell him that you intend to pursue every LEGAL option available to you, including an alienation of affection lawsuit against him. If your wife says anything, tell her you are fighting for her and fighting for your marriage, and that you are pursuing a divorce at the same time. Either you are going to get her back or you are going to be completely done with her, one or the other, but you will live no longer in this middle ground of being neither here nor there.

Keep up the financial pressure, support her and your kids basic needs, but if you can pay for those things yourself. If they need clothes, you buy them directly, same with food, medical care, you make the payment directly to the source. Let her feel what life - real life, with chores, financial pressures, and the like - will be like with other man, not the fantasy land she has been living in up until now with you providing financing for her affair.

Breaking up the affair through exposure and a dose of reality, and the real sense that she will be losing you, that you will not always be there for her, is your best chance to save your marriage.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

This is a sneaky thing to do......

But get a friend to dress up, and go to his home, her family's home, anywhere he won't run into her directly, and ask for your wife....

Have him tell the OM or whoever will answer a door that he has papers to serve on her.....

That might get her attention........

the woodchuck


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I think my first move would be to relocate out of Maryland. Aren't they hell on dads?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Onceloved said:


> So you know the monies thing in MD. If I file for custody or legal seperation. I will be paying more than twice what she is getting. No matter what. We also must wait a year to file no matter what aside from adultery. Which i don't think I have quite enough proof for.
> 
> Yes that may show I am serious but that is about it. I have much more to lose as far as monies are concerned
> 
> ...


You don't need to wait a year to file, you can file at any time... My EX filed and we were divorced 9 months later in MD. I was actually the one granted the divorce.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Hire a PI to get hard proof of an affair. She has moved out and has an OM? There's going to be plenty of opportunities for a PI to get pics etc of her with OM.

Talk to an atty asap. Get real facts.

If she wants out, now is the time to file for D. Get the best deal you can! If you wait, she will become more and more hard core in a divorce. She's in a fog so take advantage of it.

You can always stop the D process later, and you can even get remarried to her after D if things get better.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Onceloved said:


> Been trying to expose him more as the douch he is. He will probably do it on his own as well.


Wasting your time exposing him to HER. Have you talked to his parents? His siblings?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Onceloved said:


> I asked his brother to out him a bit.


Say what? You're having someone else do your work for you? Go to his parents and tell them their son is boinking your wife.


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## Onceloved (Jul 14, 2013)

Talks went well for me last night. I made my point that I will not be plan B. She eventually admitted to being on his plan. I said how it very much disappoints me and shows she has no respect for me. 

Told her I will move on with my plans or being an better me with or without her. I want my more time with the kids. I want to sit down and talk about a legal separation agreement. 

She gets the picture now I am sure. She also probably thinks I got a PI on her since she does not even know how easy it is to look up a phone number. Told her that in this day in age you cannot hide. She will be watching her back, like she should. I have to thank Will Kane for the post prior to seeing her. That is exactly what I needed to help me to stay strong and try to turn the tides. The information here is invaluable. 

I will stay my due course and keep strong. As hard as it is. I must. I know it is the only hope for me in happiness. Lots to think about still but I need to keep my mind busy and focused.

I hate that I am a very sensitive person and care so much. Yet I know that tough love is the only way.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Ok now stop telling her your plans just about the kids. Expose her and pos to family and close friends why this separation is happening. This is not your fault.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you gone to see his parents yet?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Her reaction tells you she's done... at least for now.


Onceloved said:


> I will stay my due course and keep strong. As hard as it is. I must. I know it is the only hope for me in happiness. Lots to think about still but I need to keep my mind busy and focused.


This.
She needs to realize you are removing from the equation, that the talk you had yesterday is as serious as a heart attack. Keep the pressure high, push it, make the reality of divorce immediate. Talk to a lawyer ASAP and meet with her again or serve her directly.
Also keep exposing, don't protect them at all.
Implement the 180 to the deep end, don't answers her calls too quickly and be bussiness like, only kids and financial issues. 

It there's a chance it must be forcing her. In all honesty all the moves she has been doing gives little hope, she seems pretty much done with the marriage.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Onceloved, I still recommend an attorney, you don't have to file, it just apprises you of your legal rights. You need to be a step ahead of her throughout the entire process.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Dear Onceloved,

I have to confess that I don't understand your plan.

In your original post, you said that you and your WW have a better _"talking relationship"_ now but also that you are doing _"the 180."_ How can both these things be true, given that an important aspect of the 180 is to limit your communications with your WW to only what is necessary? You also say that you don't know if you should press her to be honest or not. Why on earth would you not? Then you say you don't want to be _"walked over"_ but go on to indicate that you have given her no real consequences (you even say that you agree that she needs space from you). This, too, makes no sense. As long as you let her do her thing, you are letting her walk over you.

In your second and third posts, you say you don't want to start the separation/divorce process because you would end up owing her child support. So what is your plan, to stay separated indefinitely while she cheats on you in order to save money?

In your latest post, you say things like _"[t]alks went well"_ but don't say that your WW has yet admitted anything or shown any remorse. In fact, you say she switched to the OM's cell phone plan. So why do you think the talks are going well? You also say that you told her you won't be her plan B but all your comments about how much you love her and are waiting for her to see the light mean that that is exactly what you will be if she eventually returns to you. You then say that you are showing her _"tough love."_ Where is the tough part?

Sorry for appearing thick but you seem to talk a good game while not really doing anything meaningful to end your WW's adulterous relationship so that you can attempt reconciliation (like filing for separation or divorce in order to force hour to choose between you or the OM). Rather, your plan seems to be to wait her out in the hope that, some day, she will return to you.

What am I missing?


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