# EA confirmed today



## Trying2figureitout

I owe some of you thanks for getting me to actually check her phone..its been 4 years

He..I love you
Morning kisses??

That is all I needed , I confronted her and told her to end it NC today.

I am running the 180 until she does.

I will be fine as most of you know I have been doing my plan for 4 years so most of the work is done if she reconciles then we will be far along if not I will divorce her.

I don't think it went physical but it did go on morning and night for four years.

I will keep you all updated down the road..as many of you followed my sexless life this is a big day in it.

Many confirmations today. Many that other have gone through.

I am fine and prepared for whatever happens now..


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## RyanBingham

Trying2figureitout said:


> I owe some of you thanks for getting me to actually check her phone..its been 4 years
> 
> He..I love you
> Morning kisses??
> 
> That is all I needed , I confronted her and told her to end it NC today.
> 
> I am running the 180 until she does.
> 
> I will be fine as most of you know I have been doing my plan for 4 years so most of the work is done if she reconciles then we will be far along if not I will divorce her.
> 
> I don't think it went physical but it did go on morning and night for four years.
> 
> I will keep you all updated down the road..as many of you followed my sexless life this is a big day in it.
> 
> Many confirmations today. Many that other have gone through.
> 
> I am fine and prepared for whatever happens now..


How did you confirm it was never physical? :scratchhead:


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## 6301

Four years is a long time to wait. You got more patience then I do.


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## nickgtg

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't think it went physical but it did go on morning and night for four years.


I have doubts that it was strictly just an EA for four years. Stay strong my friend.


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## Trying2figureitout

RyanBingham said:


> How did you confirm it was never physical? :scratchhead:


I didn't but knowing her I really doubt she took it that far...perhaps kissing maybe. That is just my gut based on her reaction when I confronted her.


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## Cubby

4 years and it's never been physical? Do you realize how unlikely that is?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout

nickgtg said:


> I have doubts that it was strictly just an EA for four years. Stay strong my friend.


I do also to an extent and I am fine...you have to realize I have been methodically dealing with this for four years.

We have been reconciling all along..I did it the wrong way i should have checked her phone and held my ground firm years ago.


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## Trying2figureitout

Cubby said:


> 4 years and it's never been physical? Do you realize how unlikely that is?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes but she really has no time, I know I may be a bit obtuse but again my gut tells me she did not take it that far. I could be very wrong that is just my gut.


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## Maricha75

T2, you have, essentially, been doing a 180 of sorts since you decided to implement your plan. What you need to focus on is YOU. Focus on whatever improvements YOU need, be it physical changes (like working out) or wardrobe changes, or both. 

Her boyfriend is local. While it's good to HOPE it hasn't gone physical, the likelihood that it has is very great. He is, if I remember correctly, a guy she met at the gym. And they have been texting for more than a year? I'm sorry, T2, but I don't believe a man would be saying "I love you" to a woman he has seen on a regular basis, and has been texting for over a year. 

So, what do you do? Request complete transparency. If she wants the marriage to continue, this is the consequence. No more secrecy. She is to give you complete and total access to her email and phone. And, as bad as it may seem... her social life needs to be curtailed as well. Again, a consequence of her actions. 

FWIW, T2, I am sorry that we were correct. I wish it had been simply a case of LD/no drive. Please, take care of yourself and your kids... and PLEASE don't drop the ball on this. Don't let her turn this back on you. Even with the grudge she has been holding against you, there is NO excuse for cheating. You know this.

I hope this works out for you. But still, keep an eye out... and watch for a burner phone. Good luck, T2.


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## Trying2figureitout

I found out more about why we are sexless today which was good..

Basically she has not forgiven me for "throwing her under the bus" four years ago

She also said she does not enjoy sex with me and why should she do something she doesn't like....I challenged her on that and said that's your fault you could communicate what you like and your mind is divided between two men. I am not a mind reader

I also learned she truly loves me... Great Father, she loves what I do for her, and I'm a very good man. She offered that up

She has no real answer to how did you feel justified to do this with him.

She was caught naked out of the shower red handed when I asked her why so and so LOVES HER... I told her what the texts said and asked her to check she started then put the phone down

She has gone no contact since a bit after that moment She needs to let me know what she is going to do.


I'm fairly certain she will comply with NC and reconcile our marriage based on how far we have come since the blowup 4 years 3 months ago.


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## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> T2, you have, essentially, been doing a 180 of sorts since you decided to implement your plan. What you need to focus on is YOU. Focus on whatever improvements YOU need, be it physical changes (like working out) or wardrobe changes, or both.
> 
> Her boyfriend is local. While it's good to HOPE it hasn't gone physical, the likelihood that it has is very great. He is, if I remember correctly, a guy she met at the gym. And they have been texting for more than a year? I'm sorry, T2, but I don't believe a man would be saying "I love you" to a woman he has seen on a regular basis, and has been texting for over a year.
> 
> So, what do you do? Request complete transparency. If she wants the marriage to continue, this is the consequence. No more secrecy. She is to give you complete and total access to her email and phone. And, as bad as it may seem... her social life needs to be curtailed as well. Again, a consequence of her actions.
> 
> FWIW, T2, I am sorry that we were correct. I wish it had been simply a case of LD/no drive. Please, take care of yourself and your kids... and PLEASE don't drop the ball on this. Don't let her turn this back on you. Even with the grudge she has been holding against you, there is NO excuse for cheating. You know this.
> 
> I hope this works out for you. But still, keep an eye out... and watch for a burner phone. Good luck, T2.


Thanks I have set in motion most all of that already today... I am probably well suited to deal with this.


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## 3putt

Trying2figureitout said:


> Yes but she really has no time, I know I may be a bit obtuse but again my gut tells me she did not take it that far. I could be very wrong that is just my gut.


Cheaters _*make*_ time. One thing that DOESN'T happen is a man spending four years on a target with nothing more than a few kisses and an 'I love you' or two to show for it. 

Partner, _*it just doesn't happen*_.


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## Thound

I think you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Hope it doesn't sink you.


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## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I didn't but *knowing her I really doubt she took it that far*...perhaps kissing maybe. That is just my gut based on her reaction when I confronted her.


But that's just it, T2.... you really DON'T know her as you thought you did. You were certain there was nothing going on, before, but now you find htis. You believe she has had no time... but she had time to go out with her friends and to the gym (she has said). There is no way, without her confirming one way or the other, that she actually went to the gym all those times. And her social time... again, no way to know forcertain that some of those times weren't just to be with him. I know it's hard to accept that possibility... but please, don't say "it's not possible"... It IS possible.


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## Cubby

She said she doesn't like sex with YOU. She didn't say she doesn't like sex. That's reserved for her texting buddy. Keep in mind a TAM truism: A man doesn't devote a lot of time to a woman unless he's getting sex or it appears likely he'll get it. He certainly won't devote 4 years to just texting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat

Trying--Your story resonates with me only too well. You have prepared yourself well, but here's the $64K question: Would PA be a deal-breaker? If so, then you need to find out for sure. If not, though, then I would assume that it *was* a PA (saving yourself the grief and hassle of wondering and trying to find out) and then continue with your plan.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

Cubby said:


> She said she doesn't like sex with YOU. She didn't say she doesn't like sex. That's reserved for her texting buddy. Keep in mind a TAM truism: A man doesn't devote a lot of time to a woman unless he's getting sex or it appears likely he'll get it. He certainly won't devote 4 years to just texting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I doubt that her OM would have hung around for 6 moths, let alone 4 years, unless sex was invloved.

I feel bad for this OP. He's going to be so blind-sided when he realizes how far and long things have gone with his WS...


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## nickgtg

Although you say you have been preparing for this for four years now, you've just started after learning of at least an EA. If there was and still is a PA, I'm sorry to say your pain is just beginning.


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## Rugs

Tryingtofigureitout, you better keep trying. From what it sounds like, you have everything wrong. 

I too was in a sexless marriage, and while I thought my husband was gay or very LD, he was banging every woman he could find.

NO ONE, I Repeat, NO ONE is going to text anyone for four years with no sex. What kool-aid has your wife been making you drink. 

She loves you because you are letting her get away with this right under your nose while she gives you the snow-job.

Sorry, I'm not buying this, I think you are being incredibly Oblivious to the situation. Four years is a whole other life that you could be living and your wife already is.

Please take solid advice. If you are completely dependent on this woman, find a counselor that can help you detach and find your sense of self. 

Good luck to you.


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## weightlifter

Take the phone from her now.

Undeleting info to follow.

Paged our phone guy. Prep yourself for more.


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## PhillyGuy13

I only text "I love you" to my wife. 

I would imagine this guy wouldn't say "I love you" to a woman he is just having an EA with. "I love you" is not something thrown around lightly.

This isn't a friend saying "love ya". It's I love you.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter

'I love you' is a male emotionally paying

For the females vagina.


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## Maricha75

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I only text "I love you" to my wife.
> 
> *I would imagine this guy wouldn't say "I love you" to a woman he is just having an EA with. "I love you" is not something thrown around lightly.*
> 
> This isn't a friend saying "love ya". It's I love you.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The only point I would disagree on is if there was no physical contact. By that, I mean they see each other regularly. If he were 1000s of miles away, yea, he'd say that, even if they haven't gotten physical... but the intent to get physical is there, even from that far away. Still, close proximity? Chances are slim to none that it is only EA.

T2, I KNOW this is tough to take in. But I agree... treat it with the expectation that it HAS gone physical. Even if, by some miracle, it has not (and can be confirmed, not just gut feeling based on the knowledge fo the women you KNEW), it's better to be prepared than to be blind sided.


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## adriana

If, in fact, her 4 year affair hasn't gotten physical it'd indicate that her AP is a locally incarcerated man.


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## Trying2figureitout

Philat said:


> Trying--Your story resonates with me only too well. You have prepared yourself well, but here's the $64K question: Would PA be a deal-breaker? If so, then you need to find out for sure. If not, though, then I would assume that it *was* a PA (saving yourself the grief and hassle of wondering and trying to find out) and then continue with your plan.


I agree i do need to know eventually the full extent...not now. Now is the time to be patient and let her make her moves and I need to give her time to process the loss of the OM. In time I will ask for full disclosure.

Its iffy right now what she will do as they say her actions dictate my reactions still in 180 mode.

180 dictates not to chase or ask for explanations and move on.


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## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> perhaps kissing maybe.


 Since you are in a long term sexless marriage, if she is kissing the other man (OM) that texts her that he loves her, isn't that all she does with you? Exactly what do you get out of being married to your wife that the other man is not getting out of her too?



Trying2figureitout said:


> She also said she does not enjoy sex with me and why should she do something she doesn't like.


 Notice that she did not say that she does not like sex. She said that she does not like sex specifically with you. That conceptually leaves your wife open to enjoying sex with the OM that is in love with her.


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## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> The only point I would disagree on is if there was no physical contact. By that, I mean they see each other regularly. If he were 1000s of miles away, yea, he'd say that, even if they haven't gotten physical... but the intent to get physical is there, even from that far away. Still, close proximity? Chances are slim to none that it is only EA.
> 
> T2, I KNOW this is tough to take in. But I agree... treat it with the expectation that it HAS gone physical. Even if, by some miracle, it has not (and can be confirmed, not just gut feeling based on the knowledge fo the women you KNEW), it's better to be prepared than to be blind sided.


I have learned lessons today. I am prepared for any situation and have a good handle on what to do. I am keenly observing the after effects and will be able to make this part of my overall story later to help others.


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## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> Since you are in a long term sexless marriage, if she is kissing the other man (OM) that texts her that he loves her, isn't that all she does with you? Exactly what do you get out of being married to your wife that the other man is not getting out of her too?
> 
> Notice that she did not say that she does not like sex. She said that she does not like sex specifically with you. That conceptually leaves your wife open to enjoying sex with the OM that is in love with her.


She stated years ago she likes sex and so far as evidenced not with me. Through her words and actions.


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## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> Since you are in a long term sexless marriage, if she is kissing the other man (OM) that texts her that he loves her, isn't that all she does with you? Exactly what do you get out of being married to your wife that the other man is not getting out of her too?
> 
> Notice that she did not say that she does not like sex. She said that she does not like sex specifically with you. That conceptually leaves your wife open to enjoying sex with the OM that is in love with her.


Its interesting shes a friendly cheater, we have a good life together in all other aspects. I do get a lot from her in other ways.


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## 3putt

adriana said:


> If, in fact, her 4 year affair hasn't gotten physical it'd indicate that her AP is a locally incarcerated man. :scratchhead:


That's about the only explanation I can think of that would float.

Of course, that wouldn't explain the kisses, though.


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## Trying2figureitout

3putt said:


> That's about the only explanation I can think of that would float.
> 
> Of course, that wouldn't explain the kisses, though.


"Morning kisses???" along with "I love you and his name " BTW who says I love you with their name after its creepy weird. was in a text via texting not real kisses but who knows what happenned


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## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> I have learned lessons today.


 The main lesson that you learned is that she is not having sex with you because she is having an affair with this other man that she has been seeing on a regular basis. Not having sex with your spouse so as to not cheat on the affair partner is very common for people in affairs. For you to think that it would have stopped at just kissing based on your gut, is blindly ignoring the odds.


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## Chaparral

You need to act like you are going along with whatever she is claiming. Have you gotten the phone records to see the frequency of the messages? Notable gaps may mean they were together, for example, when she was supposed to be at the gym or out with friends.

Does she have an iphone? You should already have a var in her car. You have been here a long time, you know the routine.

Is the posom married?

Sorry this has turned out this way.


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## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> The main lesson that you learned is that she is not having sex with you because she is having an affair with this other man that she has been seeing on a regular basis. Not having sex with your spouse so as to not cheat on the affair partner is very common for people in affairs. For you to think that it would have stopped at just kissing based on your gut, is blindly ignoring the odds.


I agree I don't discount a full on PA..i will eventually extract all the info down the road..I have her by the balls.

To me this is a game and I do not like to lose. Life is a game.


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## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> You need to act like you are going along with whatever she is claiming. Have you gotten the phone records to see the frequency of the messages? Notable gaps may mean they were together, for example, when she was supposed to be at the gym or out with friends.
> 
> Does she have an iphone? You should already have a var in her car. You have been here a long time, you know the routine.
> 
> Is the posom married?
> 
> Sorry this has turned out this way.


I don't NEED all of that..I have enough evidence already in four text messages and deleted files.

He is single I believe.... I know the routine and I'm fine. Appreciate the sorry I am sorry a year and a half ago I let her off the hook that is my only regret. I had the same discussion with her about him and we almost divorced that day. Then I let slack in the line..stupid of me. She pleaded "she could handle it" yeah right.


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## Openminded

Trying2figureitout said:


> Its interesting shes a friendly cheater, we have a good life together in all other aspects. I do get a lot from her in other ways.


She's a cake eater. She told you she loves what you do for her. Cake eaters are happy to stay in the marriage with their needs being met on the side. 

I refrained from commenting on your posts on Boston Bruins thread because I felt you were totally blind about what your wife was doing. I think you still are. If it hasn't been physical I would be completely shocked.


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## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> Morning kisses??


 BTW, that was a question by the affair partner that is in love with wife as to if they were going to meet up this morning. My wife actually uses a similar phrase to ask me if I have time for a quick one before I leave for work.


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## Trying2figureitout

Openminded said:


> She's a cake eater. She told you she loves what you do for her. Cake eaters are happy to stay in the marriage with their needs being met on the side.
> 
> I refrained from commenting on your posts on Boston Bruins thread because I felt you were totally blind about what your wife was doing. I think you still are. If it hasn't been physical I would be completely shocked.


I do not discount full on PA.. she is a "cake eater" I used that in my email to her after she said she "does not want a divorce"....believe me I put together a good response to that about me her and her boyfriend.


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## workindad

You are in a sexless marriage? Your wife is actively engaged in an EA with another man and he is local. If you think they may have had time to kiss over the last 4 years, then they have had time to meet her sexual needs... 

She hasn't forgiven you, because she has been actively involved in an affair with another man for 4 years while you have been in false R. 

I'm not an expert on R, but I would expect that for R to be successful, she would need to cut the third person (POSOM) from your marriage and she would need to really commit to the process. She has done neither. 

I can't imagine a man hanging on in EA status for 4 years without getting some sex along the way. I admit this is based on my own warped perspective.


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## Chaparral

That she cut you off for four years while having an affair, the question of having sex with another man doesn't make it much more of a betrayal in my mind. She's wasted four years of your life. She must think you are an idiot. Sorry, but this as about as disrespectful a wife could be. She has played you and used you. I am totally shocked by this.

How is she acting, remorseful at all?

Prayers for you brother, there is no fault in trusting your wife. She on the other hand has done something only a monster could do.


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## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> BTW, that was a question by the affair partner that is in love with wife as to if they were going to meet up this morning. My wife actually uses a similar phrase to ask me if I have time for a quick one before I leave for work.


Interesting thanks for the insight...I don't discount sexting as a possibility either


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## 3putt

Trying2figureitout said:


> *I don't NEED all of that..I have enough evidence already in four text messages and deleted files.*


Mmmm, yeah you do. I beginning to believe you really don't want the truth and want this to just all go away and live happily ever after.

Oh man, you're in for one rude ass awakening if you think this is how it's gonna play out.

Hope you wake up one day.


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## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> That she cut you off for four years while having an affair, the question of having sex with another man doesn't make it much more of a betrayal in my mind. She's wasted four years of your life. She must think you are an idiot. Sorry, but this as about as disrespectful a wife could be. She has played you and used you. I am totally shocked by this.
> 
> How is she acting, remorseful at all?
> 
> Prayers for you brother, there is no fault in trusting your wife. She on the other hand has done something only a monster could do.


We had some sex over four years 14 month since last. Still clinically sexless and a handful over past two.

I don't see her as a monster, I could not live with a monster.

Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame and I am a better person for going through it.

Whats funny in a way is the last few months have been great between us sans sex..she even mentioned how good it was going.


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## anchorwatch

Sorry you were deceived, T2. It was the only thing you wouldn't believe. You know what to do now. Go for it, exposure, nc, etc... Wish you strength.


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## Trying2figureitout

3putt said:


> Mmmm, yeah you do. I beginning to believe you really don't want the truth and want this to just all go away and live happily ever after.
> 
> Oh man, you're in for one rude ass awakening if you think this is how it's gonna play out.
> 
> Hope you wake up one day.


I do need the truth. its going to take a LOOOONG time for me to trust her again.


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## Chaparral

You don't know if he's single or not? How and what do you know about him?


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## 3putt

Trying2figureitout said:


> We had some sex over four years 14 month since last. Still clinically sexless and a handful over past two.
> 
> I don't see her as a monster, I could not live with a monster.
> 
> Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame and I am a better person for going through it.


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## Trying2figureitout

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I doubt that her OM would have hung around for 6 moths, let alone 4 years, unless sex was invloved.
> 
> I feel bad for this OP. He's going to be so blind-sided when he realizes how far and long things have gone with his WS...



Don't feel sorry for me I am fully aware of what was going on likely

I really am fine, two years ago I wrote her off and was ready to divorce if needed..I have already grieved.

Now the fun part begins..


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## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> You don't know if he's single or not? How and what do you know about him?



Her description hes a gym partner originally now he flips houses I think he used to work for the school district about our age

I texted him over two years ago and told him to back off he promised he would..yeah right


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## Chaparral

To know how hard you have worked on this relationship and how you have defended her has to hurt immensely. Its making me ill. Have you anyone you are confiding in?


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## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> To know how hard you have worked on this relationship and how you have defended her has to hurt immensely. Its making me ill. Have you anyone you are confiding in?


What you don't all realize is I am fine... I have been dealing with this for FOUR YEARS!!!! and am past any hurt I am perfectly fine and know my position in this and if needed well adjusted to divorce her.

I do not think my work is wasted..yet.

This was the main roadblock to recovery. Now its being eliminated..I'm actually happy now.
We both have done all the other legwork... relationship dynamics and such.

I said long ago I would trade years for many decades...


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## adriana

Trying2figureitout said:


> I agree I don't discount a full on PA..i will eventually extract all the info down the road..I have her by the balls.
> 
> To me this is a game and I do not like to lose. Life is a game.



Don't you think it's a bit comical to post like this for a man in your situation? Who are you trying to delude here.... yourself or us?


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## tom67

Trying2figureitout said:


> What you don't all realize is I am fine... I have been dealing with this for FOUR YEARS!!!! and am past any hurt I am perfectly fine and know my position in this and if needed well adjusted to divorce her.
> 
> I do not think my work is wasted..yet.
> 
> This was the main roadblock to recovery. Now its being eliminated..I'm actually happy now.
> We both have done all the other legwork... relationship dynamics and such.
> 
> I said long ago I would trade years for many decades...


Take her for a polygraph good grief.:banghead:


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## Trying2figureitout

adriana said:


> Don't you think it's a bit comical to post like this for a man in your situation? Who are you trying to delude here.... yourself or us?


Those who know me know I'm ok. 

I do look at this as one big game. I will win.

What do you want me to be sad and a mess?
My message has been fairly consistent over the years.


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## treyvion

Thound said:


> I think you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. Hope it doesn't sink you.


He better face reality that she is cheating and has been likely for over 3 years. The affairs explains the problem he is having with her. If he must, to now discover the extent of the cheating without telling her. 

He may as well VAR the car. She will talk to the guy, simply discard messages and delete numbers.


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## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> We had some sex over four years 14 month since last. Still clinically sexless and a handful over past two.
> 
> I don't see her as a monster, I could not live with a monster.
> 
> Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame and I am a better person for going through it.
> 
> Whats funny in a way is the last few months have been great between us sans sex..she even mentioned how good it was going.


WOW dude! It all makes sense. Stop trying to make it what you want to be and look at all your evidence.

You have been sexless for over 4 years. You have another guy telling your wife he loves her. Theres no way he's been chatting with her 4 years without sex and intimacy. That's her man.


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## 3putt

Trying2figureitout said:


> Those who know me know I'm ok.
> 
> I do look at this as one big game. I will win.
> 
> *What do you want me to be sad and a mess?*
> My message has been fairly consistent over the years.


It's the denial of the obvious we have a problem with. 

This is what makes me shake my head. We all know you've been around here long enough to know better, and to have learned better from other people's trials and tribulations, yet you have still somehow convinced yourself that your situation is 'different' than all the rest.

This beats the sh!t outta me.


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## Decorum

Trying2figureitout said:


> What you don't all realize is I am fine... I have been dealing with this for FOUR YEARS!!!! and am past any hurt I am perfectly fine and know my position in this and if needed well adjusted to divorce her.
> 
> I do not think my work is wasted..yet.
> 
> This was the main roadblock to recovery. Now its being eliminated..I'm actually happy now.
> We both have done all the other legwork... relationship dynamics and such.
> 
> I said long ago I would trade years for many decades...


I think I am going to Shaggy myself.


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## anchorwatch

T2, have you confronted him? Exposed?


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## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> What you don't all realize is I am fine... I have been dealing with this for FOUR YEARS!!!! and am past any hurt I am perfectly fine and know my position in this and if needed well adjusted to divorce her.
> 
> I do not think my work is wasted..yet.
> 
> This was the main roadblock to recovery. Now its being eliminated..I'm actually happy now.
> We both have done all the other legwork... relationship dynamics and such.
> 
> I said long ago I would trade years for many decades...


Your numb to it all, having deluded yourself. There's alot of pain under that shell of yours. Facing reality is a great thing. Not all relation partners will cheat you, some will treat you great.

You have to treat you great first though. Have a good life, and ditch your witch.


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> This was the main roadblock to recovery. Now its being eliminated..I'm actually happy now.
> We both have done all the other legwork... relationship dynamics and such.


 You have been saying such things for years and little has come of it.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I said long ago I would trade years for many decades...


 It does not look like those decades will happen, and you will never get those years back.


----------



## Chaparral

I think what everyone is thinking is that while you think things have gotten better, that the two of you have been working on the marriage, all your wife has been doing is playing you. That she gives you a little of this and a little of that and what she is really doing is being in essence, married to another man.

Why do you think this isn't the case?


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> Her description hes a gym partner originally now he flips houses I think he used to work for the school district about our age


 In other words he does not offer financial security. That is what she has you around for. Cake eating at its best.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I texted him over two years ago and told him to back off he promised he would..yeah right


 And you told us then that you had it handled. Just like you tell us that you have it handled now.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> You have been saying such things for years and little has come of it.
> 
> It does not look like those decades will happen, and you will never get those years back.


I disagree i think I have set up things perfectly for a full 100% recovery.


----------



## anchorwatch

T2, can you answer Chap's question?


----------



## john1068

Trying2figureitout said:


> I owe some of you thanks for getting me to actually check her phone..its been 4 years
> 
> He..I love you
> Morning kisses??
> 
> That is all I needed , I confronted her and told her to end it NC today.
> 
> I am running the 180 until she does.
> 
> I will be fine as most of you know I have been doing my plan for 4 years so most of the work is done if she reconciles then we will be far along if not I will divorce her.
> 
> I don't think it went physical but it did go on morning and night for four years.
> 
> I will keep you all updated down the road..as many of you followed my sexless life this is a big day in it.
> 
> Many confirmations today. Many that other have gone through.
> 
> I am fine and prepared for whatever happens now..


What kind of phone does she have, iPhone or Android?

texts messages deleted can be recovered. Easiest and most covert is iPhone, cans still do with Android but must get it into your hands to add the app.

go to teensafe.com, sign up for and SUBSCRIBE for $14.95 to the trackking service. Do NOT opt for the free trial. You'll get nothing you need.

To work, her iPhone must have been on iCloud backup. If iCloud is OFF, then this may not work out well. If so, turn it ON NOW, so that you can verify NC is being followed going forward.

If she has Android, still go to TeenSafe, and follow the instructions they give on the screen to download the app to the Android device. The app installs without an icon, so she won't see it...


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> I think what everyone is thinking is that while you think things have gotten better, that the two of you have been working on the marriage, all your wife has been doing is playing you. That she gives you a little of this and a little of that and what she is really doing is being in essence, married to another man.
> 
> Why do you think this isn't the case?


She has played me but again I live with her and lots of it is authentic between us...she is flawed so am I but we do make a good team and we will pull out of this tailspin now I believe.

I am still confident of total success turning this around on D day... because I planned this all along in a fashion.

Its simple she felt neglected found him, I improved and now she is left with two, I find out she will ditch him because I a pretty darn good and she has obvious commitment with me family wise and eventually we will be ok... I don't think this is a deal breaker as long as she remains with NC and works on our marriage so far so good. She is seeking my interaction chatting away. I'm still 180ing it.

And we will not return to the low sex life of before once this is all said and done.


----------



## soccermom2three

Trying2figureitout said:


> Those who know me know I'm ok.
> 
> *I do look at this as one big game. I will win.
> *
> What do you want me to be sad and a mess?
> My message has been fairly consistent over the years.


What exactly are you winning?


----------



## nickgtg

I'm not trying to pile on, but it appears the way the situation has been "handled" is to support her while she has a PA with this other guy. Why would she want to leave? She has the comfort of your home with all the pleasure the other male is providing her.

I really believe you think the pain is over, but once you find out the real truth the real pain will start.


----------



## Deejo

T2, I really wish you wouldn't invite people to hit you with a 2x4.

Its a full affair. It has been a full physical affair for years.

I myself have used the phrase 'morning kisses' with partners. Its a play phrase for blow job. Thats why he asked it as a question you see.

Please don't do this to yourself.

She is not going to go no contact. Shes going to go underground. She KNOWS she can sell you. Hell shes been doing it for over 4 years.

You don't need vars, you don't need evidence. You just need to come to terms with what she has done, what you want, and what you are willing to do, in light of the fact that your wife has been cheating on you for years.

But please dont try to whitewash this for yourself or for us. Doesnt change anything or serve anyone.


----------



## nickgtg

Trying2figureitout said:


> She has played me but again I live with her and lots of it is authentic between us...she is flawed so am I but we do make a good team and we will pull out of this tailspin now I believe.
> 
> I am still confident of total success turning this around.
> 
> Its simple she felt neglected found him, I improved and now she is left with two, I find out she will ditch him and eventually we will be ok


I think you've had your head buried in the sand for the last four years. If it's authentic, why is she still having contact with this guy? She's playing you, the sooner you realize it the better.


----------



## workindad

Trying2figureitout said:


> We had some sex over four years 14 month since last. Still clinically sexless and a handful over past two.
> 
> I don't see her as a monster, I could not live with a monster.
> 
> *Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame* and I am a better person for going through it.
> 
> Whats funny in a way is the last few months have been great between us sans sex.*.she even mentioned how good it was going*.


Please read the parts bolded that you wrote and take a few moments to think if those statements make sense given that she is still actively cheating on you and deceiving you.

I'm not trying to be mean.

I really do wish the best for you and your family, but 4 years of lies and false R... you don't deserve another 4 years of this abuse. 

If you want a true R, then I hope you can shake her out of the fog and get POSOM out of your marriage. I may have missed it, is POSOM married?


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame and I am a better person for going through it.
> 
> Whats funny in a way is the last few months have been great between us sans sex..she even mentioned how good it was going.


*Deep breath*
Ok, diving in again. T2, she remarked that things were going so well for one reason: to throw you off. She didn't want you to catch on, so she gave you the little bits to keep you going, keep you thinking all was getting better. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME TACTIC I used. things were NOT getting better because she did NOT give up the OM. Things CANNOT get better while one partner is cheating. It is ONLY once the AP is removed from the equation that the relationship can be improved (if it can be repaired). She was telling you what you WANTED to hear. And she knew it. 

She thought things were going well... that she had it well hidden. Until you looked at the texts. Now, you will have to be diligent to me sure it truly has ended. They very well may take it underground, including getting a burner phone. This is another reason some call for a VAR. And waiting to let it sink in... IMO, not the best choice. It gives her time to get her story straight... and more time to concoct a bogus excuse to shift the affair blame to you. And she could well make it sound believable. Do you see where this is going? If you sit and wait, as I tried to tell you, many times, then she's just going to take it underground. And it gives her time to sort this out with the OM. To get him to lay low for awhile, until she is relatively certain that they can resume again. 



Trying2figureitout said:


> Those who know me know I'm ok.
> 
> I do look at this as one big game. I will win.
> 
> What do you want me to be sad and a mess?
> *My message has been fairly consistent over the years.*


But this is true... your message HAS been quite consistent over the years...


----------



## Trying2figureitout

john1068 said:


> What kind of phone does she have, iPhone or Android?
> 
> texts messages deleted can be recovered. Easiest and most covert is iPhone, cans still do with Android but must get it into your hands to add the app.
> 
> go to teensafe.com, sign up for and SUBSCRIBE for $14.95 to the trackking service. Do NOT opt for the free trial. You'll get nothing you need.
> 
> To work, her iPhone must have been on iCloud backup. If iCloud is OFF, then this may not work out well. If so, turn it ON NOW, so that you can verify NC is being followed going forward.
> 
> If she has Android, still go to TeenSafe, and follow the instructions they give on the screen to download the app to the Android device. The app installs without an icon, so she won't see it...


Thanks but why..I already confirmed the affair.


----------



## treyvion

nickgtg said:


> I'm not trying to pile on, but it appears the way the situation has been "handled" is to support her while she has a PA with this other guy. Why would she want to leave? She has the comfort of your home with all the pleasure the other male is providing her.
> 
> I really believe you think the pain is over, but once you find out the real truth the real pain will start.


You are providing your "wife" a cheaters heaven. She's not even your wife, she's his wife. You are being cuckholded. Boy.

All you have to do is release her or go get a relation partner of your own and stop worrying about her.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> *Deep breath*
> Ok, diving in again. T2, she remarked that things were going so well for one reason: to throw you off. She didn't want you to catch on, so she gave you the little bits to keep you going, keep you thinking all was getting better. How do I know this? Because it was the SAME TACTIC I used. things were NOT getting better because she did NOT give up the OM. Things CANNOT get better while one partner is cheating. It is ONLY once the AP is removed from the equation that the relationship can be improved (if it can be repaired). She was telling you what you WANTED to hear. And she knew it.
> 
> She thought things were going well... that she had it well hidden. Until you looked at the texts. Now, you will have to be diligent to me sure it truly has ended. They very well may take it underground, including getting a burner phone. This is another reason some call for a VAR. And waiting to let it sink in... IMO, not the best choice. It gives her time to get her story straight... and more time to concoct a bogus excuse to shift the affair blame to you. And she could well make it sound believable. Do you see where this is going? If you sit and wait, as I tried to tell you, many times, then she's just going to take it underground. And it gives her time to sort this out with the OM. To get him to lay low for awhile, until she is relatively certain that they can resume again.
> 
> 
> 
> But this is true... your message HAS been quite consistent over the years...


I doubt she will chance under grounding it she knows this is her only chance, I already made copies of everything with our accounts and she knows I'm a tech guy and smart..I uncovered this many years ago it my fault for thinking it was a friendship mostly.. that is me being flawed in my thinking.


----------



## nickgtg

Trying2figureitout said:


> I doubt she will chance under grounding it she knows this is her only chance, I already made copies of everything with our accounts and she knows I'm a tech guy and smart..I uncovered this many years ago


Question, how many "only chances" have she had in the last four years?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I'm sorry man, but it has to suck knowing that almost everyone on this forum knew she was cheating except for you. I'm sorry for what I'm going to say but here it goes...

You have no clue on WTF you are doing. You have zero control. You wasted 4 years with very little to show for it. This is way deeper than an EA, and deep down you know it too. This marriage has flat lined years ago and there is no brain activity. Call the time of death and remove the patient from the machine. It's over. I'm sorry for your loss.

You need to mourn. Seriously, you need it. Cut out this cancer, get yourself some IC, and try to figure out why you subjected yourself to 4 years of torture. After you fix yourself, find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

I'm so sorry for your loss.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

nickgtg said:


> Question, how many "only chances" have she had in the last four years?


Too many. WAY TO MANY. I've seen his earlier threads.


----------



## Chaparral

Urban Dictionary: morning kisses


----------



## Openminded

T2, no one wants you to be sad and a mess. What we want is for you to finally take charge of your marriage. And lead.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Chaparral said:


> Urban Dictionary: morning kisses


IDK, definitely premature to assume that is what happened. Unless his wife travels or overnighted recently under the guise of staying at a girlfriend's house...


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I doubt she will chance under grounding it she knows this is her only chance, I already made copies of everything with our accounts and she knows I'm a tech guy and smart..I uncovered this many years ago it my fault for thinking it was a friendship mostly.. that is me being flawed in my thinking.


:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: 

T2, you said that before. Each time, you told her "this is your only/last chance".... and you drop the ball. She has paid attention to this. I guarantee it. This is why she WILL take it underground. THis is whay you NEED to be vigilant, if you wish to repair your marriage. You asked for advice... this is my advice: read what has been posted here, and take it to heart.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Maricha75 said:


> :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead: :banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
> 
> T2, you said that before. Each time, you told her "this is your only/last chance".... and you drop the ball. She has paid attention to this. I guarantee it. This is why she WILL take it underground. THis is whay you NEED to be vigilant, if you wish to repair your marriage. You asked for advice... this is my advice: read what has been posted here, and take it to heart.


Didn't she already take it underground??? Or is taking something underground meant to indicate secret accounts and burner phones only?


----------



## nickgtg

I'm not sure how "underground" it's been, he simply checked her phone and found the text messages. She apparently is brazen enough to do it right under his nose fully knowing he could find the messages.

Of course I'm sure she meant to erase them, but still, texting on her "regular" phone means she wasn't really worried about it.


----------



## Chaparral

Tell your wife you just found out what morning kisses mean.

We are telling you to investigate so you can see how bad it is and to see that it really stops. You know by now you can't trust your own instincts, they have totally failed you.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

OP

I don't know what I would do in your situation. But I do know what I HOPE I would do......if my wife cheated on me I wouldn't see her as a monster, but I would see her as an irredeemable who**'re and I would tell her so, and often. I would consider her withholding sex with me while offering herself to the other guy as unforgivable. I would assume that despite good years in the past the only chance I had at love in the future was with another woman. And I'd start looking for that woman immediately. 

I think if you want to win the game, that's the ultimate hand you should play.....the only winning hand for you. She doesn't love you T2. Her actions scream that. Suggest you get away from her for a bit to clear your mind. When you do I think you'll start to see her clearer for what she is, and finally see what you have to do.


----------



## Maricha75

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Didn't she already take it underground??? Or is taking something underground meant to indicate secret accounts and burner phones only?


Sorry, I should have said FURTHER underground. She will lay low until she thinks it is safe to resume with her boyfriend.... UNLESS he takes REAL action.


----------



## Graywolf2

You’re never going to get a divorce. You, your wife and the OM are a great team and have been for years. 

Your wife acknowledges how great you are at your assigned role on the team and you take great pride in that.

You are going to put your wife on “double secret probation” and things will get back to normal.

*Originally used in the 1978 American college classic film "Animal House," Dean Wormer puts the rowdy Delta Tau Chi fraternity on a "double secret probation," since the Delta House is already on probation. The term has since evolved to mean the act of being on probation while still partying on a regular basis.*


----------



## Chaparral

Plan 9 from OS said:


> IDK, definitely premature to assume that is what happened. Unless his wife travels or overnighted recently under the guise of staying at a girlfriend's house...


I'm guessin. In a parking lot before work.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Chaparral said:


> I'm guessin. In a parking lot before work.


Didn't think about that angle. Assumed it was slang for waking him up with a BJ, but then again I guess a morning BJ in a parking lot could fit that description.


----------



## adriana

Trying2figureitout said:


> I doubt she will chance under grounding it she knows this is her only chance, I already made copies of everything with our accounts and she knows I'm a tech guy and smart..I uncovered this many years ago it my fault for thinking it was a friendship mostly.. that is me being flawed in my thinking.



You sound exactly like my uncle. He always knew and understood everything oh so well. But, just like you, he's somehow failed to realize that, for years, he's been just another gullible husband with adulterous wife.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Didn't think about that angle. Assumed it was slang for waking him up with a BJ, but then again I guess a morning BJ in a parking lot could fit that description.


They go to the same gym... Or used to supposedly. When does wife usually go to the gym? Many people work out 7:00 am or earlier.

I guess I don't understand how progress is being made over these four years (and I haven't read OP other threads). Sexless marriage but otherwise good?? Hey how was dinner? Well my steak was burned but otherwise dinner was great!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion

No one's bashing you. It's that the evidence is pretty clear and many of us have been through these scenarios. You cannot support a cheater, you cut them off and get on with your life. You have no idea how many miles ahead it is to be with someone who appreciates you. Someone who barely knows you will appreciate you more than your wife does.


----------



## tom67

Deejo said:


> T2, I really wish you wouldn't invite people to hit you with a 2x4.
> 
> Its a full affair. It has been a full physical affair for years.
> 
> I myself have used the phrase 'morning kisses' with partners. Its a play phrase for blow job. Thats why he asked it as a question you see.
> 
> Please don't do this to yourself.
> 
> She is not going to go no contact. Shes going to go underground. She KNOWS she can sell you. Hell shes been doing it for over 4 years.
> 
> You don't need vars, you don't need evidence. You just need to come to terms with what she has done, what you want, and what you are willing to do, in light of the fact that your wife has been cheating on you for years.
> 
> But please dont try to whitewash this for yourself or for us. Doesnt change anything or serve anyone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Trying2figureitout

So here's tonight's update...

She ended it via text.

I asked her if she was going to follow through on putting her head 100% into our marriage and she said her famous "she would try"

I texted the jerk to add my 2 cents.

I will block that phone number.

=====================

shes goes to work at 6am I doubt she was giving BJ's to him then In fact she has TMJ and has to dress nice for work. 

So we are reconciling now.


----------



## tom67

Trying2figureitout said:


> So here's tonight's update...
> 
> She ended it via text.
> 
> I asked her if she was going to follow through on putting her head 100% into our marriage and she said her famous "she would try"
> 
> I texted the jerk to add my 2 cents.
> 
> I will block that phone number.
> 
> =====================
> 
> shes goes to work at 6am I doubt she was giving BJ's to him then In fact she has TMJ and has to dress nice for work.
> 
> So we are reconciling now.


I really hope you are.
Actions not words and you better be getting sex asap.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

PhillyGuy13 said:


> They go to the same gym... Or used to supposedly. When does wife usually go to the gym? Many people work out 7:00 am or earlier.
> 
> I guess I don't understand how progress is being made over these four years (and I haven't read OP other threads). Sexless marriage but otherwise good?? Hey how was dinner? Well my steak was burned but otherwise dinner was great!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok let me try to explain we had a normal life together apart from her EA/PA under my nose in plain sight and the sexless stint.

I liked the rest of our life a lot, she is fun, talented cooks awesome and is a great mom. I love her folks like my own. We get along great at home.

So for her she tried to play both sides and ended one of them.

We still have a ways to go to get her over her grudge and her affair and me to trust her. I do not think it will be easy but now that he is out I think it is certainly possible to recover fully.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

tom67 said:


> I really hope you are.
> Actions not words and you better be getting sex asap.




Ok what do you all think on the sex part?

I mean this just happened, she obviously has some issue with it with me I'm thinking of giving it some time. 

What do you all think?


----------



## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok what do you all think on the sex part?
> 
> I mean this just happened, she obviously has some issue with it with me I'm thinking of giving it some time.
> 
> What do you all think?


I think your f'd in this situation.

Nothing brings them back faster than dropping them and getting another.

Other than that, you build up their ego in cheating. They figure they can do it because they can get away with it and you will always love them. Hard to impossible cycle to break unless the cheater puts themself in near death scenarios behind their affair partner.

Wifey may leave house so early to start the day with the other guy.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

PhillyGuy13 said:


> They go to the same gym... Or used to supposedly. When does wife usually go to the gym? Many people work out 7:00 am or earlier.
> 
> I guess I don't understand how progress is being made over these four years (and I haven't read OP other threads). Sexless marriage but otherwise good?? Hey how was dinner? Well my steak was burned but otherwise dinner was great!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Progress was in me becoming a better man
A better father
A better husband
Also correcting the dynamics
Her showing respect at home for me
Her especially before this happened becoming much happier and much more engaging that led me to attempt sex again.

So a lot occurred in those four years between her and I. 

The framework is there this id not a normal D day..and she seems happy with her decision. Probably a load off her mind I am sure it was hard balancing the attention of two men.

Towards the end she was making mistakes I think the stress was getting to her.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> I think your f'd in this situation.
> 
> Nothing brings them back faster than dropping them and getting another.
> 
> Other than that, you build up their ego in cheating. They figure they can do it because they can get away with it and you will always love them. Hard to impossible cycle to break unless the cheater puts themself in near death scenarios behind their affair partner.
> 
> Wifey may leave house so early to start the day with the other guy.


I know her work schedule.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> I think your f'd in this situation.
> 
> Nothing brings them back faster than dropping them and getting another.
> 
> Other than that, you build up their ego in cheating. They figure they can do it because they can get away with it and you will always love them. Hard to impossible cycle to break unless the cheater puts themself in near death scenarios behind their affair partner.
> 
> Wifey may leave house so early to start the day with the other guy.



So when you say f'ud you don't think she will want sex down the road?

I believe she will because that is part of us recovering.
I think the OM was holding success back and her grudge excuse from 4 years ago is unreasonable... I also made her accountable for telling me what she wants in sex.

See I think the EA/PA was the real hold up. Now that's gone we should be ok.

To her credit she ended it quick after I discovered it within a half hour. She had a choice to make and decided very quickly.


----------



## PBear

Oh, I have not doubts that T2 can reconcile with his wife. He's proven over the years that he's very capable of burying his head in the sand and ignoring reality just fine. So long as he does that, and his wife doesn't rub his nose in the fact that she's having an affair, they'll get along just fine. Should be good for another 3 or 4 years easy.

Dude, what's it going to take for you to recognize the fact that you're not the best judge of your wife's character and how to react to her? Oh, I forgot. You know her SOOOOO well. So well that she can carry on an affair for years...

C


----------



## tom67

Ok humor me put a pen var in her purse.
Trust but verify.


----------



## weightlifter

Trying2figureitout said:


> I agree i do need to know eventually the full extent...not now. Now is the time to be patient and let her make her moves and I need to give her time to process the loss of the OM. In time I will ask for full disclosure.
> 
> Its iffy right now what she will do as they say her actions dictate my reactions still in 180 mode.
> 
> 180 dictates not to chase or ask for explanations and move on.


Your evidence is disappearing as I type at you.

#shake head sadly.

You are giving her time to process the loss of the OM?!??
WHAT?!?!? Sadly no.

You are actually giving her time to:
hide evidence
take it underground
cement the relationship while you become plan B.
Get better at hiding cheating

Please wake up.

>Its interesting shes a friendly cheater, we have a good life together in all other aspects. I do get a lot from her in other ways.<

So was RDMUs wife and she was doing all sorts of interesting 50 shades of gray stuff. She NEVER stopped loving him as a friend, companion, father or provider but just like you the sex part was subcontracted out.

OP you arent in North Carolina I hope.


----------



## tom67

PBear said:


> Oh, I have not doubts that T2 can reconcile with his wife. He's proven over the years that he's very capable of burying his head in the sand and ignoring reality just fine. So long as he does that, and his wife doesn't rub his nose in the fact that she's having an affair, they'll get along just fine. Should be good for another 3 or 4 years easy.
> 
> Dude, what's it going to take for you to recognize the fact that you're not the best judge of your wife's character and how to react to her? Oh, I forgot. You know her SOOOOO well. So well that she can carry on an affair for years...
> 
> C


Why do you have her on such a pedestal?
Have you no self respect?
Get the book married mans sex life primer now!
Don't worry I'm done here.
Good luck. Peace.


----------



## treyvion

tom67 said:


> Ok humor me put a pen var in her purse.
> Trust but verify.


Trust her to lie, decieve and cheat on you. That's what's been going on for four plus years.

She's had no negative repurcussions.

Also she didn't drop the OM, and if she did, she'll just get another. You have to VAR her car, she will still be talking to and messaging the OM, she'll just delete them.

Also put a spy app on her phone.

Stop being stupid behind this one who doesn't care enough about you.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

weightlifter said:


> Your evidence is disappearing as I type at you.
> 
> #shake head sadly.
> 
> You are giving her time to process the loss of the OM?!??
> WHAT?!?!? Sadly no.
> 
> You are actually giving her time to:
> hide evidence
> take it underground
> cement the relationship while you become plan B.
> Get better at hiding cheating
> 
> Please wake up.
> 
> >Its interesting shes a friendly cheater, we have a good life together in all other aspects. I do get a lot from her in other ways.<
> 
> So was RDMUs wife and she was doing all sorts of interesting 50 shades of gray stuff. She NEVER stopped loving him as a friend, companion, father or provider but just like you the sex part was subcontracted out.
> 
> OP you arent in North Carolina I hope.


I read up on EA's and it does take time for the ww spouse to process things after going NC....she seems to have a good attitude about it considering.

I doubt she takes it underground she is not that smart in that fashion to do so and get away with it.

I believe the fact she had it in plain site and knew I looked at the phone records she justified it as clean fun in her mind and saw no wrong in it... she obviously found out it was a deal breaker this morning once I hacked through the fog and smacked her with reality.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> Trust her to lie, decieve and cheat on you. That's what's been going on for four plus years.
> 
> She's had no negative repurcussions.
> 
> Also she didn't drop the OM, and if she did, she'll just get another. You have to VAR her car, she will still be talking to and messaging the OM, she'll just delete them.
> 
> Also put a spy app on her phone.
> 
> Stop being stupid behind this one who doesn't care enough about you.


She knows I'll divorce her immediately if I detect any activity deemed an affair, I doubt she could hide it from me well enough. Again this was in plain sight literally there for me to discover.

She on her own is reporting to me where she is throughout the day.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

tom67 said:


> Why do you have her on such a pedestal?
> Have you no self respect?
> Get the book married mans sex life primer now!
> Don't worry I'm done here.
> Good luck. Peace.


Already read MMSL

I have lots of self respect.


----------



## weightlifter

Needs time to process?
Noone can be this beta.

Peeps got on RDMU for not hitting hard enough but he
TOOK her phone and kept it for like a ?week?
LOADED it with spyware
Ended it himself via text that looked it was from her.
monitors in ways she has no clue on TO THIS DAY. HARD sh!t monitors like cam and VAR audits and GPS.
She has to hand him her phone upon demand and without complaint and does this periodically.

And for many here that was not enough. This.... GAAAHH!!!

You have NOTHING to detect with!


----------



## Trying2figureitout

weightlifter said:


> Needs time to process?
> Noone can be this beta.
> 
> Peeps got on RDMU for not hitting hard enough but he
> TOOK her phone and kept it for like a ?week?
> LOADED it with spyware
> Ended it himself via text that looked it was from her.
> monitors in ways she has no clue on TO THIS DAY. HARD sh!t monitors like cam audits and GPS.
> She has to hand him her phone upon demand and without complaint and does this periodically.
> 
> And for many here that was not enough. This.... GAAAHH!!!
> 
> You have NOTHING to detect with!


If you have to go to those extents no thanks.

You do have to assume to an extent your spouse is not that demented.... 

I believe she took it protected it until it was discovered and then ended it at 7:35 am

Simple..the choice was clear at that point.


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok what do you all think on the sex part?
> 
> I mean this just happened, she obviously has some issue with it with me I'm thinking of giving it some time.
> 
> What do you all think?


Her issue is she's faithful to the other man. Some women are just one man women.

I will bet no one here believes she will just quit a long term affair. The odds are slim and none. She has two husbands and she won't give him up without a struggle.

You know you can't trust her, she has shown you who she is.

Trust but verify and go ahead and talk to a lawyer. If you pu$$yfoot around, you will just lose a few more years. She needs to know you talked to a lawyer too. She has called your bluff for four years, by now she knows you're easy.


----------



## Differentguy

Trying2figureitout said:


> She knows I'll divorce her immediately if I detect any activity deemed an affair


I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you confirmed it. The quote above I had a question about. Why would your wife know that you would divorce her over an affair? You are already proving this statement to be false.


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> I know her work schedule.


Cheaters with work schedules............go early, go in late, take lunch, take sick days, take vacation days, leave early, go shopping, go to the gym, go out with friends, go see relatives, have late meetings...............and its all bull****.


----------



## treyvion

Chaparral said:


> Cheaters with work schedules............go early, go in late, take lunch, take sick days, take vacation days, leave early, go shopping, go to the gym, go out with friends, go see relatives, have late meetings...............and its all bull****.


Cheaters with careers slide things in around the job. Come in early, leave late, work out of town, etc, lunches, etc.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> Cheaters with work schedules............go early, go in late, take lunch, take sick days, take vacation days, leave early, go shopping, go to the gym, go out with friends, go see relatives, have late meetings...............and its all bull****.


Chap you are whipping a dead horse.
OP it's your life live it as you see fit.:scratchhead:


----------



## weightlifter

Trying2figureitout said:


> If you have to go to those extents no thanks.
> 
> You do have to assume to an extent your spouse is not that demented....
> 
> I believe she took it protected it until it was discovered and then ended it at 7:35 am
> 
> Simple..the choice was clear at that point.


Yours likely is.
Actually if done audit style, those take relatively little time. The GPS keeps a map and the cams if well placed can show a week in 10 minutes.
Go look in the mirror.
See the FIRST man who should be doing it.

I said my bit. Honestly I hope I am wrong.
See you on Dday 3 in ?6? months.
At this point I am just sad for you.

Again I hope I am wrong.


----------



## Chaparral

Just courious, why did you check her phone? You hadn't done that before?


----------



## tom67

weightlifter said:


> Actually if done audit style, those take relatively little time. The GPS keeps a map and the cams if well placed can show a week in 10 minutes.
> Go look in the mirror.
> See the FIRST man who should be doing it.
> 
> I said my bit. Honestly I hope I am wrong.
> See you on Dday 3 in ?6? months.
> At this point I am just sad for you.
> 
> Again I hope I am wrong.


We ALL hope all of us are wrong.


----------



## treyvion

tom67 said:


> We ALL hope all of us are wrong.


What are the odds of being wrong here?


----------



## WhiteRaven

4 years and an ostrich ..... Sheesh..


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Trying2figureitout said:


> *She knows I'll divorce her immediately if I detect any activity deemed an affair*, I doubt she could hide it from me well enough. Again this was in plain sight literally there for me to discover.
> 
> She on her own is reporting to me where she is throughout the day.


I doubt that. You'll probably just wait another 4 years.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Trying2figureitout said:


> S*o when you say f'ud you don't think she will want sex down the road*?
> 
> *I believe she will because that is part of us recovering.*
> I think the OM was holding success back and her grudge excuse from 4 years ago is unreasonable... I also made her accountable for telling me what she wants in sex.
> 
> See I think the EA/PA was the real hold up. Now that's gone we should be ok.
> 
> To her credit she ended it quick after I discovered it within a half hour. She had a choice to make and decided very quickly.


Of course she will. Just not with you.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Trying2figureitout said:


> *If you have to go to those extents no thanks.*
> 
> You do have to assume to an extent your spouse is not that demented....
> 
> I believe she took it protected it until it was discovered and then ended it at 7:35 am
> 
> Simple..the choice was clear at that point.


It's no worse than looking the other way for the last 4 years...


----------



## lordmayhem

And what about her shaved pubes and sexy panties? Did she ever have an explanation for those? It was in your other thread.

Update.... on my wife's EA

Shaving her pubes and sexy panties are for the OM, since this is a sexless marriage......for him.

The denial is strong with this one.


----------



## RyanBingham

tom67 said:


> Chap you are whipping a dead horse.
> OP it's your life live it as you see fit.:scratchhead:


Agreed let him deal with his choices. He is stubborn as a mule and he will have to accept that being sexless with a cheating wife makes him happy. This is tough, pathetic, and truly sad. Ugh... I'm not writing any more in this thread lest I get banned.


----------



## lordmayhem

Trying2figureitout said:


> She knows I'll divorce her immediately if I detect any activity deemed an affair, I doubt she could hide it from me well enough. Again this was in plain sight literally there for me to discover.
> 
> She on her own is reporting to me where she is throughout the day.


Really? 

What was her explanation for shaving her pubes and the sexy panties you found? Its in your other thread.


----------



## lordmayhem

RyanBingham said:


> Agreed let him deal with his choices. He is stubborn as a mule and he will have to accept that being sexless with a cheating wife makes him happy. This is tough, pathetic, and truly sad. Ugh... I'm not writing any more in this thread lest I get banned.


She must be using the Jedi mind trick on him. The denial is strong with this one.


----------



## nickgtg

She's not in the fog, you are.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Differentguy said:


> I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you confirmed it. The quote above I had a question about. Why would your wife know that you would divorce her over an affair? You are already proving this statement to be false.



I did not confirm it until today. So its today forward.


----------



## tom67

nickgtg said:


> She's not in the fog, you are.


Nothing to see here - YouTube


----------



## Trying2figureitout

You all crack me up...

I got this.

lets give her a chance folks.

rather than burn the witch


----------



## tom67

Trying2figureitout said:


> You all crack me up...
> 
> I got this.


Hey who has more fun than people:scratchhead:


----------



## PBear

lordmayhem said:


> And what about her shaved pubes and sexy panties? Did she ever have an explanation for those? It was in your other thread.
> 
> Update.... on my wife's EA
> 
> Shaving her pubes and sexy panties are for the OM, since this is a sexless marriage......for him.
> 
> The denial is strong with this one.


T2, you really should go back and re-read all the bluster you posted just back in November. About the last "last chance"...

C


----------



## lordmayhem

PBear said:


> T2, you really should go back and re-read all the bluster you posted just back in November. About the last "last chance"...
> 
> C


That was November...2012.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

PBear said:


> T2, you really should go back and re-read all the bluster you posted just back in November. About the last "last chance"...
> 
> C


So i was a bit off..big whoop its the end result that matters


----------



## tom67

lordmayhem said:


> That was November...2012.


I know I remember him.
He is so damaged:slap:
Good night.


----------



## PBear

lordmayhem said:


> That was November...2012.


Missed that. Makes it that much better. One might question why his guard was down after the 600-1200 texts per months... I think personally, I might be keeping an eye on the phone bill after something like that...

C


----------



## Trying2figureitout

PBear said:


> Missed that. Makes it that much better. One might question why his guard was down after the 600-1200 texts per months... I think personally, I might be keeping an eye on the phone bill after something like that...
> 
> C


My wife pleaded her case and I bought it... that's why i am probably not the only one to do that.

You go with your gut and even though i insisted (without absolute proof) I let her keep "her friend"

i paid the price with another year and a half until today..that again is my biggest regret.

Actually that was a turning point... I stopped snooping went into sexless baseline and as I said her and I actually were in a good spot especially after January... so this is a bit of a soft landing for her she has it good with me now and I was the obvious option when caught red handed.


----------



## adriana

trying2figureitout said:


> i doubt she takes it underground she is not that smart in that fashion to do so and get away with it.
> 
> I believe the fact she had it in plain site and knew i looked at the phone records she justified it as clean fun in her mind and saw no wrong in it... She obviously found out it was a deal breaker this morning once i hacked through the fog and smacked her with reality.





trying2figureitout said:


> she knows i'll divorce her immediately if i detect any activity deemed an affair, i doubt she could hide it from me well enough. Again this was in plain sight literally there for me to discover.


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> I find out she will ditch him because I a pretty darn good and she has obvious commitment with me family wise and eventually we will be ok... I don't think this is a deal breaker as long as she remains with NC and works on our marriage so far so good.


 Didn't she tell you that she would go NC with this very same affair partner 2 years ago? You believed her then, why am I not surprised that you beleive her now.


----------



## treyvion

TRy said:


> Didn't she tell you that she would go NC with this very same affair partner 2 years ago? You believed her then, why am I not surprised that you beleive her now.


I wouldn't worry about what I think at this point, because it's obviously mis guided. A slick cheater has no reason to tell him the truth when she hasn't been landed on her backside and had the rug pulled from under her feet.

I think it's not worth the effort.

Instead of thinking about this scenario. VAR her car, put a spy app on her phone. Monitor for the next couple of months.

When you get a confirmation that it's still going on, let her a$$ go.

Also you can talk to people who are aware of the OM and your wife as a couple.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> Didn't she tell you that she would go NC with this very same affair partner 2 years ago? You believed her then, why am I not surprised that you beleive her now.


No she insisted on keeping him and she would "control it"

I guess I was snowed into thinking it would work then and all it did was continue sexless marriage...

I had her dead to right then and let her snow me into trusting her.

BTW the texts did cut down significantly then enough I didn't monitor daily anymore as the mostly mixed in with her regular texts


----------



## lordmayhem




----------



## BobSimmons

A lot of back peddling going on here. I'll divorce her if I find out she's having any sort of affair...I know her, I trust my gut she's not lying to me..

Yet when evidence is found, he does a 180...on himself.

To me, this has been going on for four years, even when OP had an inkling of what was going on and confronted she still actively deceived and blame swept.

The words that jumped out were..OP was a good father, man, and provided for her. Her best interests are to maintain status quo and her lifestyle. OP has already shown he's willing to circumvent his own line in the sand in order to justify not going through with previous set ultimatum to himself.

Truly loving someone does not preclude willful lying and neglect..much less meeting with someone for four years and "kissing"

As they say. Talk is cheap


----------



## davecarter

WontEverfigureitout said:


> I think she's using the gym to cope. She goes 7 days a week. She is a self admitted "social butterfly" and makes friends instantly. She knows everyone in the gym and sees them around town. She's fun and outgoing, looks and acts about ten years younger than she is (44)


And she's had a year-long 'emotional affair' with a guy from the gym (_is that the out-of-shape guy with the low 'T' count, as well?_).

Just that.


They're friends.


Nothing physical.





Yeah...er....










...from Week _1_.


----------



## Pufferfish

Oh Dude. I read your thread and the other one. In quite a few of your posts, you volunteer excuses for your obviously wayward wife. I for one would not be texting a woman excessively for 4 years if I wasn't sexually involved with her. Seems to me you stick needles in your own eyes so you don't see what you don't want to see. All the other posters have already said it. Your wife is regularly being f***ed by another man and you are doing nothing about it except setting imaginary goals for yourself. 4 years is not strategic maneuvering for ultimate victory. It is 4 years of your wife making you think that you are in control and feeding you lies. The entire American Civil War was fought and decided in 4 years. Meanwhile, she has sex with her real husband and uses you as an ATM, butler and errand boy. It's people like you that make TAM really disturbing.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Trying2figureitout said:


> Progress was in me becoming a better man
> A better father
> A better husband
> Also correcting the dynamics
> Her showing respect at home for me
> Her especially before this happened becoming much happier and much more engaging that led me to attempt sex again.
> 
> So a lot occurred in those four years between her and I.
> 
> The framework is there this id not a normal D day..and she seems happy with her decision. Probably a load off her mind I am sure it was hard balancing the attention of two men.
> 
> Towards the end she was making mistakes I think the stress was getting to her.


Thanks for clarifying T2. Wasn't sure what happened four years ago but I understand - normal marriage issues you guys were dealing with.

I really implore you to keep both eyes open. If you are comfortable that nothing physical happened or it's over then that's fine. If it was me ( and it was me) I would spend every possible moment trying to make sure it wasn't physical and that all contact ended, whether it was physical or not. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75

Chaparral said:


> Just courious, why did you check her phone? You hadn't done that before?


Because I pushed him to do it. I was relentless in another thread (and over the last couple years. I guess I finally said something that made him snap. Now, I wish I knew what to say to make him snap again, and stop being so blasted passive about this!


----------



## PhillyGuy13

I should have kept reading... It wasn't just normal marriage issues, it was apparently hundreds:thousands of texts per month in an EA. And now it's still going on.

You've been given appropriate advice from dozens of posters here, but it's your marriage, so again I wish you good luck. We hope we are wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## davecarter

Pufferfish said:


> Oh Dude. I read your thread and the other one. In quite a few of your posts, you volunteer excuses for your obviously wayward wife. I for one would not be texting a woman excessively for 4 years if I wasn't sexually involved with her. Seems to me you stick needles in your own eyes so you don't see what you don't want to see. All the other posters have already said it. Your wife is regularly being f***ed by another man and you are doing nothing about it except setting imaginary goals for yourself. 4 years is not strategic maneuvering for ultimate victory. It is 4 years of your wife making you think that you are in control and feeding you lies. The entire American Civil War was fought and decided in 4 years. Meanwhile, she has sex with her real husband and uses you as an ATM, butler and errand boy. It's people like you that make TAM really disturbing.


Agreed. 100%.
Thing is, if a husband is a *Cuckold *(_in the fetish-sense_) - he _at least_ gets _something _out of knowing/watching his wife with the OM.

This guy isn't even getting that! :scratchhead:


----------



## Maricha75

T2,

I have been nice in this tread. I haven't been so nice in the past. You're not listening.

1. Did you actually SEE her break it off with him, via text? I mean, did you READ it? Did you WATCH her text it to him? Did you see the reply? Or did you only see on the texting history online that she sent him a text at 7:35am? There will be a burner phone. I guarantee it.

2. You claim she is not smart enough to hide it. Damn it, T2! If she's smart enough to hide it IN PLAIN SIGHT, then she's smart enough to hide it, PERIOD! Wake up, man!

3. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT "give her time to mourn the loss of the OM". By allowing this, you keep him in her thoughts. You give her time to think of ways to see him, to contact him. Work? Work email. You can't check her work email. Or, she can get another email address that you won't know about. It's EASY, T2!

SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED. She uses that grudge as the EXCUSE for not having sex with you. THe REAL reason is hte OM. And the ONLY way anything will change in that regard is if sex resumes... Not in a few weeks... not in a few months.... but NOW! I GUARANTEE she found time to have sex with him. And, that grudge was the perfect excuse to remain faithful... to the OM. 

Stop burying your head in the sand. Take action. Stop eing so passive about this. And yes, you ARE being passive. This is not action... allowing her to mourn, giving her time. Action is verifying. Action is monitoring. Action is resuming a sex life, IMMEDIATELY.... This is reconciliation.... Action is divorcing. 

It's up to you whether you will do the things necessary for R (and make HER do what SHE needs to do for R), or to divorce. It really is that simple, T2.


----------



## dogman

Trying2figureitout said:


> I didn't but knowing her I really doubt she took it that far...perhaps kissing maybe. That is just my gut based on her reaction when I confronted her.



I'm sorry...no disrespect but.....you're delusional if you think she could have an EA for 4 years but you know her well enough to know she wouldn't take it "that" far. Ha!


----------



## Gabriel

All I see here is extreme cowardice. 

T2, you are simply afraid to not be married to your wife. It's not a unique problem, but there is a unique solution. The only way this will ever stop is if you become unafraid of divorcing her. The only way.

Absent that, you will be a cuckold for the rest of our life. I don't care what BS she's feeding you, or how "good" you claim to have it.

You will never convince anyone here or in your real life that a sexless marriage where your wife is having a relationship with another man (who, by the way, she has had sex with, do not kid yourself) is a good, strong place to be. Never.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> T2,
> 
> I have been nice in this tread. I haven't been so nice in the past. You're not listening.
> 
> 1. Did you actually SEE her break it off with him, via text? I mean, did you READ it? Did you WATCH her text it to him? Did you see the reply? Or did you only see on the texting history online that she sent him a text at 7:35am? There will be a burner phone. I guarantee it.
> 
> 2. You claim she is not smart enough to hide it. Damn it, T2! If she's smart enough to hide it IN PLAIN SIGHT, then she's smart enough to hide it, PERIOD! Wake up, man!
> 
> 3. You do not, I repeat, DO NOT "give her time to mourn the loss of the OM". By allowing this, you keep him in her thoughts. You give her time to think of ways to see him, to contact him. Work? Work email. You can't check her work email. Or, she can get another email address that you won't know about. It's EASY, T2!
> 
> SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED. She uses that grudge as the EXCUSE for not having sex with you. THe REAL reason is hte OM. And the ONLY way anything will change in that regard is if sex resumes... Not in a few weeks... not in a few months.... but NOW! I GUARANTEE she found time to have sex with him. And, that grudge was the perfect excuse to remain faithful... to the OM.
> 
> Stop burying your head in the sand. Take action. Stop eing so passive about this. And yes, you ARE being passive. This is not action... allowing her to mourn, giving her time. Action is verifying. Action is monitoring. Action is resuming a sex life, IMMEDIATELY.... This is reconciliation.... Action is divorcing.
> 
> It's up to you whether you will do the things necessary for R (and make HER do what SHE needs to do for R), or to divorce. It really is that simple, T2.


I am now after sleeping on it under the assumption it was a physical affair.

Now what do I do about it....

Well I will see what happens with her. I am not going to kid anyone this will be a long road to trusting her and also me questioning her character and since she likely had sex I will have to tell her to get STD checked.

I am going to push for her to continue doing something in order for us to reconcile. And insist sex be put back on the table or we will divorce since it obviously wasn't low desire.

In the end she has some great qualities that are hard to ignore, I'm not going to let her cake eat anymore and in the end if she doesn't make major inroads into our marriage as a whole I will divorce her.

I have her in a corner so to speak..her doing. I will use that to my advantage. I am certain she loves me in many ways and that is enough to try. 

It was in effect a mid-life crisis. People do come out of those.


----------



## davecarter

Graywolf2 said:


> You’re never going to get a divorce. You, your wife and the OM are a great team and have been for years.
> 
> Your wife acknowledges how great you are at your assigned role on the team and you take great pride in that.


I can also identify with this because I was just like it 12 months ago: I'd go back to marital home and look after our kids at weekend while my wife would be at her OMs - however, the even worse was that I _accepted _it...but not for 4 years...just 6 months, lol. 

So, yeah, I understand a betrayed husband can get caught up in his own fog, but for me it was more like I was 'paralyzed' by fear: of competing with OM...of losing my wife...of losing my marriage.
I felt, _"if I hang on...desperately...for another month, maybe it will blow itself out and she'll come back to me"_

I can admit all this now (TAM really helped me, bigtime)...but, back then I was a: :loser:


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Gabriel said:


> All I see here is extreme cowardice.
> 
> T2, you are simply afraid to not be married to your wife. It's not a unique problem, but there is a unique solution. The only way this will ever stop is if you become unafraid of divorcing her. The only way.
> 
> Absent that, you will be a cuckold for the rest of our life. I don't care what BS she's feeding you, or how "good" you claim to have it.
> 
> You will never convince anyone here or in your real life that a sexless marriage where your wife is having a relationship with another man (who, by the way, she has had sex with, do not kid yourself) is a good, strong place to be. Never.


I am and was totally prepared to divorce her and if things do not improve in short order we will divorce.


----------



## syhoybenden

Gabriel said:


> All I see here is extreme cowardice.
> 
> T2, you are simply afraid to not be married to your wife. It's not a unique problem, but there is a unique solution. The only way this will ever stop is if you become unafraid of divorcing her. The only way.
> 
> Absent that, you will be a cuckold for the rest of our life. I don't care what BS she's feeding you, or how "good" you claim to have it.
> 
> You will never convince anyone here or in your real life that a sexless marriage where your wife is having a relationship with another man (who, by the way, she has had sex with, do not kid yourself) is a good, strong place to be. Never.


:iagree:

He's either 
a glutton for punishment
in a state of denial approaching catatonia
or the all-time champion troll marathoner.


----------



## rrrbbbttt

The movie Animal House comes to mind. The scene Kevin Bacon,
"Thank you sir, may I have another!"


----------



## anchorwatch

Want trust? Not gonna happen.

Want to verify? Polygraph.


----------



## Gabriel

Trying2figureitout said:


> I am and was totally prepared to divorce her and if things do not improve in short order we will divorce.


Good. I hope this is not an empty threat, or one that takes months/years to implement.


----------



## jerry123

T2:
I know people are being harsh here. But you have to understand its because they care about you and your situation. Even though they don't know you personally, they have a connection with what you are going through. 

So to look at what is known by you, She had a 4 year EA with a guy and she has devoted her time away from you (her husband), she has withheld sex from you and told you she does not enjoy it with YOU. The OM is/was her best friend for those years. Do you really think she can just forget about him and go NC. 

Just from that alone it warrants a divorce. Even if by some miracle she stops talking to him do you think she can be on board in your marriage. Even if you can't admit it, she has caused you so much pain in those 4 years. 

I agree with others who say there is absolutely no way a normal guy would be in a EA, sending texts like that for 4 years without expecting sex. 

I wish you the best and please keep us updated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad

This thread has been hard to read. 

She got away with 4 years of false r and ended it with a text to OM...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LongWalk

Try,

Hopefully, posting on TAM is helping you in some way. Your wife has clearly been in both an EA and PA. A 44-year-old woman is not going to text and flirt with some guy she socializes with at the gym for 4 years without enjoying regular sexual intercourse.

She sidelined your masculinity and will not be attracted to you merely because she NC's OM. She will go back to him or get a new one because she wants emotional affirmation by banging.

You believe OM is gone but if you should have sex with your wife, you are going to be trying to make love while is she wondering what you are doing in her vagina. After all it hasn't belonged to your for a very long time.

I am all for reconcilation, romantic endings. Every couple has a different history, different chemistry. Hard to Detach and Road Scholar have something to fight for. You don't. Your wife has confined you in nice guy limbo land for too long.

File for divorce. Do the 180. Date other women. If your wife goes insane trying to rip your clothes off, you can reconsider divorce. Truly, though, why would you want the woman who wakes her lover with morning kisses and doesn't even give you a hand job on Valentines Day? Ditch her.


----------



## weightlifter

workindad said:


> This thread has been hard to read.
> 
> She got away with 4 years of false r and ended it with a text to OM...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let it go folks.

He was given the methods to verify. He wont.

Ive only posted my verify methods ?100? times on TAM. I even fetched our Phone dude to this thread who can help him undelete her texts from the last few weeks... still nothing.


----------



## Chaparral

its very sad but I think the blinders are coming off. Within a few weeks you are going to have a total turn around in your thinking now that you accept she has been in a PA.

This limits your options. If you are still willing to try reconciliation. You have two options. You can go James Bond, gps, multiple vars, find my phone, keyloggers and therapy, or you can start divorce proceedings.

You are probably right about spying on her being a no win situation. That means straight to divorce. YOu mentioned she was relieved it was out in the open. She was relieved because she thinks she still has you fooled like before and that believe it is just an EA.

She has lied, cheated, stabbed you in the back, given all her affection to another man and no doubt laughed with him at your innocence between her morning kisses. They cant believe how nice you have been. This is the definition of evil.

If you want to know what has really gone on , do not dare expect or ask her to come clean. Investigate, you are your best friend, trust yourself with what you know and quit ignoring the obvious.

Good luck and prayers

(Remember, the vast majority of women are so messed up and do not cheat, they do not intentionally play their husbands for fools)


----------



## Chaparral

weightlifter said:


> Let it go folks.
> 
> He was given the methods to verify. He wont.
> 
> Ive only posted my verify methods ?100? times on TAM. I even fetched our Phone dude to this thread who can help him undelete her texts from the last few weeks... still nothing.


He may be coming around. Hopefully he is going into stealth mode.


----------



## warlock07

One of the densest OP's on my time in this forum.


----------



## pidge70

Since I am originally a Georgia girl I am going to use a phrase that us Southerners use for people like OP, "Bless your heart"


----------



## davecarter

Trying2figureitout said:


> I am and was totally prepared to divorce her and if things do not improve in short order we will divorce.


See you in January 2015, yeah?


----------



## pidge70

davecarter said:


> See you in January 2015, yeah?


I totally heard this in my head with a British accent!.....lol


----------



## GutPunch

jeez...I just read this trainwreck. In four years OP you could have met someone that really loves you and remarried by now. WTF?


----------



## davecarter

This could turn the way of Walter & Carrie Trollingham's thread...


----------



## treyvion

Chaparral said:


> its very sad but I think the blinders are coming off. Within a few weeks you are going to have a total turn around in your thinking now that you accept she has been in a PA.
> 
> This limits your options. If you are still willing to try reconciliation. You have two options. You can go James Bond, gps, multiple vars, find my phone, keyloggers and therapy, or you can start divorce proceedings.
> 
> You are probably right about spying on her being a no win situation. That means straight to divorce. YOu mentioned she was relieved it was out in the open. She was relieved because she thinks she still has you fooled like before and that believe it is just an EA.
> 
> She has lied, cheated, stabbed you in the back, given all her affection to another man and no doubt laughed with him at your innocence between her morning kisses. They cant believe how nice you have been. This is the definition of evil.
> 
> If you want to know what has really gone on , do not dare expect or ask her to come clean. Investigate, you are your best friend, trust yourself with what you know and quit ignoring the obvious.
> 
> Good luck and prayers
> 
> (Remember, the vast majority of women are so messed up and do not cheat, they do not intentionally play their husbands for fools)


If you look deeper and do find, you SHOULD DIVORCE. What's there to hang onto?

You don't have to use her as your wife, she could be a single person friend of yours. Find someone else to use as your main lover and confidant. You can even do it without divorcing her, because she will see that you have balls and are desired by others. Straightens alot of cheaters up to cheat on them the way they do you.


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> It was in effect a mid-life crisis. People do come out of those.


 Calling it a "mid-life crisis" is just you making another excuse for the inexcusable. What she did to you over the last 4 years is not a mid-life crisis, and although some overcome the betrayal of an affair, your situation is one of the worst situations any of us have ever seen on this site.


----------



## badmemory

Trying2figureitout said:


> She knows I'll divorce her immediately if I detect any activity deemed an affair


No she doesn't. 

What she knows is that you stayed with her after the first time she cheated and now you're staying after this time. No real consequences. No realization that this time, she will lose her husband for cheating on him again.

She's now a serial cheater, and the odds of her not cheating again are incredibly small. The odds of a false R with her are very high.

You talk the talk but don't walk the walk. At the very least you should "start" the divorce process as a consequence. But you won't; and she "knows" it.


----------



## pidge70




----------



## treyvion

TRy said:


> Calling it a "mid-life crisis" is just you making another excuse for the inexcusable. What she did to you over the last 4 years is not a mid-life crisis, and although some overcome the betrayal of an affair, your situation is one of the worst situations any of us have ever seen on this site.


She slicked him over after caught too, zero repurcussions, zero discomfort for her. She told him what he needed to hear, and she knew she could do it. 

She's been doing it for so long and we're telling him, that it's a different person your dealing with when they've been engaged with another for long and so used to pulling the wool over your eyes.

They never stop.


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> I am and was totally prepared to divorce her and if things do not improve in short order we will divorce.


 Your wife no longer takes the threat of divorce by you seriously. The only thing that has a chance of getting her attention is you filing for divorce and meaning it. You can always stop the divorce if she makes the effort to do the right things to earn another chance, but unless she makes the effort (not you) you will not have a marriage worth saving. 

After you caught your wife in at least a full blown emotional affair (EA) with this specific affair partner (AP) over a year and a half ago, and you let her tell you to your face that she would refuse to go no contact with this AP only "control it" better, what little respect she still had for you was lost. At this point she has probably been telling her AP each of your plans for ending her being sexless with you any time they both need a good laugh. Without respect a spouse cannot be in love with you again. Although it may be too late because she may already be in too deep with the other man, your best chance at saving your marraige is to be willing to end it.

Once you file for divorce, you cannot be too willing to forgive. She will lie to you and say what you want to hear, but you need to see real change in her over time (over time is important) for you to even consider ending the divorce process.


----------



## doubletrouble

Trying2figureitout said:


> "Morning kisses???" along with "I love you and his name " BTW who says I love you with their name after its creepy weird. was in a text via texting not real kisses but who knows what happenned


I've read that too. It's not creepy weird, it's sickening. Those things along with a PA were still not enough for me to kick her to the curb, but three years after those words were written I sometimes wonder why it wasn't. 

If she shows remorse and stays wide open in all communication, that helps. 

That and the fact that we now live 400 miles from OM. Although she wrote those words while being 6000 miles from him, as he was in the middle east at the time.


----------



## Decorum

T2,
There is a difference between GUILT (for lying cheating), FEAR (of change, I.e. divorce, being single, not getting support from you), EMBARRASSMENT (shame from exposure), AND TRUE REMORSE!!!

She cares for you and thinks of you like a brother but the thought of having sex with you makes her skin crawl.

You have covertly agreed to this for years and she feels no deep sorrow for doing this to you.

Your chances of successfully reconciling this in the long term are very low.

The good news is you are capable of going on happily for years before you will accept that.

You are like someone with 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 90% of their body, I truly am sorry but its really hard to look at you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## soccermom2three

> Her issue is she's faithful to the other man. Some women are just one man women.


My BIL and SIL hadn't had sex in almost a year. One night they tried and she starting crying and couldn't do through with it. That's because she was having an affair and was in love with another man. My BIL had no idea. For an excuse, she told him she didn't trust him because of his trust and control issues.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: EA confirmed today*



Trying2figureitout said:


> Yes but she really has no time, I know I may be a bit obtuse but again my gut tells me she did not take it that far. I could be very wrong that is just my gut.


I have a friend who had separated and they were considering divorce. Based on her description of her husband's behavior I told her I thought he was having an affair. She told me no way, he was always working, had no time, etc. Two weeks ago she discovered he was having an affair with a family member for two years. Never underestimate the lengths that someone will go to in order to cheat.


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: EA confirmed today*



Trying2figureitout said:


> We had some sex over four years 14 month since last. Still clinically sexless and a handful over past two.
> 
> I don't see her as a monster, I could not live with a monster.
> 
> Those four years were not wasted we have grown together during that time frame and I am a better person for going through it.
> 
> Whats funny in a way is the last few months have been great between us sans sex..she even mentioned how good it was going.


She's not a monster...yet...because you haven't blown her comfy little world to hell. Watch the claws come out as soon as you start holding her to standards and boundaries.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Decorum said:


> T2,
> There is a difference between GUILT (for lying cheating), FEAR (of change, I.e. divorce, being single, not getting support from you), EMBARRASSMENT (shame from exposure), AND TRUE REMORSE!!!
> 
> She cares for you and thinks of you like a brother but the thought of having sex with you makes her skin crawl.
> 
> You have covertly agreed to this for years and she feels no deep sorrow for doing this to you.
> 
> Your chances of successfully reconciling this in the long term are very low.
> 
> The good news is you are capable of going on happily for years before you will accept that.
> 
> You are like someone with 2nd and 3rd degree burns over 90% of their body, I truly am sorry but its really hard to look at you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't you think I am fully aware of that? I know she self preserved because that's her and I had to force her hand.

Please remember I am not the typical husband I have been working on this methodically for four years so my situation is very unique to an extent and mostly cataloged here. I was done two years ago.

I still fully believe we will reconcile and I will have lots of sex with her and our best sex life ever 

I would bet money on it.

As for her ever being remorseful that is to be seen..she obviously has issues. So do I.


----------



## doubletrouble

If I were a professional gambler, I wouldn't make that bet. The trends and data points do not support it. 

You must know something we don't, which, for the sake of your fortune, I do hope is true.


----------



## skype

We should all find a nice brick wall to talk to. T2, why, oh why, do you keep saying the same things over and over when they obviously are not helping you to see reality?

You must snoop through her phone and confront her when you have all the evidence. You must get her passwords and monitor all of her communications. Why do you keep making assumptions instead of getting real proof that she has ended the affair?


----------



## pidge70

> she obviously has issues


----------



## PBear

Trying2figureitout said:


> Don't you think I am fully aware of that?
> 
> Please remember I am not the typical husband I have been working on this methodically for four years so my situation is very unique to an extent.
> 
> I still fully believe we will reconcile and I will have lots of sex with her and our best sex life ever
> 
> I would bet money on it.
> 
> As for her ever being remorseful that is to be seen..she obviously has issues.


I didn't know they sold "Denial" KoolAid by the case at Costco... Or that you could OD on it.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

TRy said:


> Calling it a "mid-life crisis" is just you making another excuse for the inexcusable. What she did to you over the last 4 years is not a mid-life crisis, and although some overcome the betrayal of an affair, your situation is one of the worst situations any of us have ever seen on this site.


Hey at least I'm good at something LOL

Actually I would invite you all into my house..you would be like whats the issue? Everything seems normal.

And it mostly is apart from her affair.


----------



## Gabriel

Trying2figureitout said:


> ......so my situation is very unique to an extent and mostly cataloged here.


This kind of thinking is a big mistake. Everyone thinks they are unique, or their marriage is unique, or their cheating spouse is unique. You/it/she isn't.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I am now after sleeping on it under the assumption it was a physical affair.
> 
> Now what do I do about it....
> 
> Well I will see what happens with her. I am not going to kid anyone this will be a long road to trusting her and also me questioning her character and since she likely had sex I will have to tell her to get STD checked.
> 
> I am going to push for her to continue doing something in order for us to reconcile. And insist sex be put back on the table or we will divorce since it obviously wasn't low desire.
> 
> In the end she has some great qualities that are hard to ignore, I'm not going to let her cake eat anymore and in the end if she doesn't make major inroads into our marriage as a whole I will divorce her.
> 
> I have her in a corner so to speak..her doing. I will use that to my advantage. I am certain she loves me in many ways and that is enough to try.
> 
> It was in effect a mid-life crisis. People do come out of those.


I'm at a loss, T2. The thoughts jumbled in my head...suffice it to say, I'd get banned if I said those words. But I don't want that, so I will keep it clean.

On one hand, you acknowledge (now) that there is very little chance that it wasn't PA. Good! I'm glad you are working under that assumption! But then... you go back to your way of thinking "It was a midlife crisis". No, T2, it wasn't. A midlife crisis is not cheating on your spouse for YEARS. Yes, people come out of MLC. And, yes, people come out of affairs. The thing is, you are viewing this as a MLC, not an affair. And that's where you are getting your plans mixed up. Maybe your initial plan would have worked with a MLC. It won't work with an affair. You say things have been improving in other aspects of your marriage... IT WAS A SHOW, T2! It wasn't REAL! She did it to throw you off. You need to completely change your tactic, now. 

Ugh! I don't want to believe you are that guy... I really want to believe your passive attitude is a facade. PLEASE tell me this isn't really how you are! If it is... you will lose. I can promise you that much. And if this is how you really are.... just get the papers and fill them out. Put them on the table for her to see. Show her you mean business. 

I don't think you will, though.


----------



## treyvion

bfree said:


> She's not a monster...yet...because you haven't blown her comfy little world to hell. Watch the claws come out as soon as you start holding her to standards and boundaries.


He can't do that. He'd have to start damaging her world. Like really disrupting it and taking it apart. Making threats and rules which won't be adhered to anyway won't make one bit of difference.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

doubletrouble said:


> If I were a professional gambler, I wouldn't make that bet. The trends and data points do not support it.
> 
> You must know something we don't, which, for the sake of your fortune, I do hope is true.



Think about that movie

Money Game and the detailed statistical manipulations

I set myself up for success...not failure.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> I'm at a loss, T2. The thoughts jumbled in my head...suffice it to say, I'd get banned if I said those words. But I don't want that, so I will keep it clean.
> 
> On one hand, you acknowledge (now) that there is very little chance that it wasn't PA. Good! I'm glad you are working under that assumption! But then... you go back to your way of thinking "It was a midlife crisis". No, T2, it wasn't. A midlife crisis is not cheating on your spouse for YEARS. Yes, people come out of MLC. And, yes, people come out of affairs. The thing is, you are viewing this as a MLC, not an affair. And that's where you are getting your plans mixed up. Maybe your initial plan would have worked with a MLC. It won't work with an affair. You say things have been improving in other aspects of your marriage... IT WAS A SHOW, T2! It wasn't REAL! She did it to throw you off. You need to completely change your tactic, now.
> 
> Ugh! I don't want to believe you are that guy... I really want to believe your passive attitude is a facade. PLEASE tell me this isn't really how you are! If it is... you will lose. I can promise you that much. And if this is how you really are.... just get the papers and fill them out. Put them on the table for her to see. Show her you mean business.
> 
> I don't think you will, though.


We'll all see won't we. This saga ain't over yet.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I set myself up for success...not failure.


But what is SHE setting you up for?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> He can't do that. He'd have to start damaging her world. Like really disrupting it and taking it apart. Making threats and rules which won't be adhered to anyway won't make one bit of difference.


What threat did I make?

She made her decision, I went with that option. simple
As for rules yes she crossed a boundary


----------



## badmemory

trying,

By your post count, you've been around this forum for a while. You've surely read about others in your same situation and how it usually turned out.

It seems if though you're saying; I don't care, we have a good life and get along; I don't care that much about sex and I don't care enough about her to worry about her infidelity.

If that's the way you choose to live; more power to you. I think it's sad, but I hope it works out for you.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> But what is SHE setting you up for?


Who knows ask her


----------



## Trying2figureitout

badmemory said:


> trying,
> 
> By your post count, you've been around this forum for a while. You've surely read about others in your same situation and how it usually turned out.
> 
> It seems if though you're saying; I don't care, we have a good life and get along; I don't care that much about sex and I don't care enough about her to worry about her infidelity.
> 
> If that's the way you choose to live; more power to you. I think it's sad, but I hope it works out for you.


Here is my take, I will not force her to do anything, she crossed a boundary I caught her and she had a choice to make.

I do not want sex with someone who is not into me sexually. No sex is better.

Conversely marriage is about sex to an extent as is fidelity.

So that is my goal...and we will see if I beat the odds and am successful.

I also take in the whole picture and not just focus on sex

I believe in saving a marriage and I think many give up too quickly


----------



## treyvion

badmemory said:


> trying,
> 
> By your post count, you've been around this forum for a while. You've surely read about others in your same situation and how it usually turned out.
> 
> It seems if though you're saying; I don't care, we have a good life and get along; I don't care that much about sex and I don't care enough about her to worry about her infidelity.
> 
> If that's the way you choose to live; more power to you. I think it's sad, but I hope it works out for you.


It's not. He's looking at it from the total optimistic way and positive way. These aren't situations to be delt with in a positive way, she needs negative feedback. She should've been shut off when he realize she's been pulling the wool over his eyes after so many years.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> It's not. He's looking at it from the total optimistic way and positive way. These aren't situations to be delt with in a positive way, she needs negative feedback. She should've been shut off when he realize she's been pulling the wool over his eyes after so many years.


Coulda woulda shoulda

Hindsight is 20/20

In a way I think the way I did it will result in a better fix long term than had I ended it quickly.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Who knows ask her


That's my point. YOU don't know. You say you know her so well... but you don't. She's not the woman you married. And you need to come to terms with THAT before you can even try to move on with her. You say she knows you will divorce her... she doesn't. If you get the papers, and fill them out, and put them where she will see them, ONLY THEN will she know you are truly serious about this. It doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce her. But she needs to SEE that you mean it... not just hear you SAY it.

Maybe i missed it, but did you say how you KNOW she ended the affair? Did you READ the text and the response? Or just assume that the text sent yesterday morning was the break up? :scratchhead:


----------



## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> Coulda woulda shoulda
> 
> Hindsight is 20/20
> 
> In a way I think the way I did it will result in a better fix long term than had I ended it quickly.


Why does your lover have to be her? She wanted the other guy as a lover and you as a provider.

VAR the car for a couple of weeks and spy apps on the phone, don't worry about the situation or trying to get her. Get your information.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> That's my point. YOU don't know. You say you know her so well... but you don't. She's not the woman you married. And you need to come to terms with THAT before you can even try to move on with her. You say she knows you will divorce her... she doesn't. If you get the papers, and fill them out, and put them where she will see them, ONLY THEN will she know you are truly serious about this. It doesn't mean you HAVE to divorce her. But she needs to SEE that you mean it... not just hear you SAY it.
> 
> Maybe i missed it, but did you say how you KNOW she ended the affair? Did you READ the text and the response? Or just assume that the text sent yesterday morning was the break up? :scratchhead:


Yup.


----------



## Cre8ify

> "Open your mind. The beginner sees many possibilities, the expert few. Be a beginner every day" Zen Proverb.


Most of us are here to learn and seek understanding T2. When we stop learning, we start dying.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Cre8ify said:


> Most of us are here to learn and seek understanding T2. When we stop learning, we start dying.


Good hope I provide good info for others.

Lets just say I am fully successful what then? 
My methods are unorthidox


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Op, you may be fine with a sexless marriage, but your cheating wife won't be. Think about it, she's been having sex right along, all along.

She may put up with it for a little while, but she knows that she got away with it for 4 years. She'll figure it'll be no problem fooling you again.

I can't watch this train wreck unfold any longer. Good luck to you in your imaginary R.


----------



## Cubby

Trying2figureitout, enough already with your "plan."

Quote of the day: "Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans." John Lennon


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Here is my take, I will not force her to do anything, she crossed a boundary I caught her and she had a choice to make.


I agree! You can't FORCE her to do anything! She has to make up her own mind. But the fact remains that you can't just wait patiently, hoping she chooses her "best option" (your words, not mind)



Trying2figureitout said:


> I do not want sex with someone who is not into me sexually. No sex is better.


That makes sense, too. I wouldn't want sex with someone who wasn't into me, either. I, too, would rather be sexless... and separate.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Conversely marriage is about sex to an extent as is fidelity.


IOW, you want sex, because you are married. But even if there is NO sex, you want her faithful to you, not another man. That's just common sense!



Trying2figureitout said:


> So that is my goal...and we will see if I beat the odds and am successful.


It is possible... however, you need to ensure that she IS being faithful, and not hiding it. And, if you don't watch, and stay on top of things, you won't know. Really, you won't. I'm not saying you should check daily, or weekly, or even 10 times each day. What I am saying is that if she has truly ended her affair, then showing her devices to you should be a non-issue, at any time... RANDOM times.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I also take in the whole picture and not just focus on sex


This isn't about sex, T2. It's about a woman who chose to divert her affections to someone else. A woman who decided that you were a good enough father, a stable provider, so she could go have fun with someone else. That's the big picture. SHE drew attention to these attributes in order to draw your attention away from her actions. This is the woman you are NOW married to. Let that sink in. THIS is your wife, now... not the woman you married 20 (?) years ago.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I believe in saving a marriage and I think many give up too quickly


I agree. Too many DO give up too quickly. However, I don't fault ANYONE who cannot R after an affair. Hell, if either my husband or I had had a PA, we'd be divorced. But any other issues? With very few exceptions, we'd work things out. Still, it's admirable to try to work out a marriage after infidelity, IMO. Not everyone can handle having sex with someone, knowing that the spouse was giving it up to someone else for so long. I don't fault them, either. Whatever you end up doing, just don't get lulled into false R...again.


----------



## Hoosier

"To her credit she ended it quick after I discovered it within a half hour. She had a choice to make and decided very quickly."

The only decision she made was to be more careful with her affair.

I sometimes wonder why, 2.5 years after my divorce I still read this forum, and today I realized why. When I discovered my xw's affair, I felt like the dumbest guy on earth. How could I have missed all the things she did? I must not of been a good husband, caused the affair... Really for 8 months I kicked myself good. Then I read this post, MAN! what a great kick upward in my self esteem! No longer am I the low man on relationship totem pole! I at least did not put up with no sex for four years, did not allow my x to continue to see the OM while I paid the bills. I did not sit back smug in my belief that I had it all covered. I did not purposely not look any further, afraid of what I might find. NO! I got active, I went thru everything to find out what went on! I gave her three chances (all within a week or so) to work on us, and only us. when she did not want to I hastened the divorce, I agreeded to everything in order to get it done....it took 82 days! My word, I am a GOD compared to this guy! I will take my frozen mind, my inability to work, to concentrate, the crying to my friends ANY DAY over this train wreck...... Thank you God!

So sorry for you OP, my only wish for you is that you will stay in that dark cave you now reside in for a long time, because if you were to see the light of day it would be devastating.


----------



## lordmayhem

Trying2figureitout said:


> Good hope I provide good info for others.


Indeed you have. In fact, I'm bookmarking this thread and will use it as an extreme example of denial and what NOT to do so hopefully others will not make the same mistakes you have made. 

Living in limbo and a sexless marriage for the past FIVE years now is hell. I've read your previous mega thread and your blog about your Master Plan. How has that worked for ya? The fact is that it hasn't. It has allowed your WW to continue her affair with gym boy, while you threaten divorce and make rules which she laughs at. 

You say she has ended the affair, but you don't say how you actually verify this. You simply take her word for it about where she's at. *Her and gym boy are laughing at you*. How are you verifying NC? A text isn't enough. A hand written letter is better. It took you forever just to look at her phone. *You know why she left it in the open for you to find? Because she was so confident that you would never look at it. That's how little she respects you.* 

You continue to allow her gym time and you have given your WW any consequences other than threaten her with divorce. You have no credibility with her. No one here believes you would actually follow through with this. You talk the talk, but you don't walk the walk.

If OM was a better provider than you and was single, she would have left him for you long ago. She's only with you because you help pay the bills. OM gives her the sex she wants. That is being a cuckold. This is a fact: Your marriage has been a lie for the past 5 years. Are you waiting for her to give you an STD? Strike that, you cannot get an STD from her because she is sexually faithful to her OM. 

You don't want to accept that you're being played. She's playing nice for a little bit until the storm blows over, then its back on. She has been playing by the cheaters handbook from day one. 

No, your methods are NOT unorthodox. Its been tried over and over again. It's called trying to "nice" them back into the marriage. 99.99 percent of the time it never works. 

But go ahead and do it your way, because its obvious you're quite stubborn and will do it regardless of what is said here. I'm merely posting this for others to learn. Meanwhile, you will continue to have a sexless marriage until the day you die or have had enough, and your WW will continue this affair or have others.


----------



## weightlifter

Trying2figureitout said:


> Think about that movie
> 
> Money Game and the detailed statistical manipulations
> 
> I set myself up for success...not failure.


When you set up on my planning; it is the collected experience of dozens.

I set you up better. 28 cheating wives and 1 cheating husband have had their affairs blown up by ME.

SOME of their BS's are on THIS thread.

WW2 Naval analogy. I am the Captain of the MFing Yamato, asking where you would like twelve, eighteen inch guns to start firing. For kicks I brought our phone guy who is the equivalent of the Musashi. You want to continue using a PT boat.

GAAAAHHHH!!!! LOL.


----------



## Cubby

I agree with lordmayhem's post. (#214) For all of you betrayed and befuddled spouses out there reading this, Trying2figureitout's method is exactly what you don't want to do. This thread, or a shortened version of it should be made a sticky under the category of "what not to do."


----------



## TheCuriousWife

pidge70 said:


> Since I am originally a Georgia girl I am going to use a phrase that us Southerners use for people like OP, "Bless your heart"


:lol::lol::lol:

Oh dear Lord. My boss is from LA and uses that phrase all the time. 

:rofl:

It makes me smile.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Yup.


WTF? Yup... what? :scratchhead:

You know, I'm actually getting pissed off now. T2, you asked me, specifically, what do you do now. Yet, We, myself included, have TOLD you what to do here, in this thread. You keep balking. Knock it off. YOU asked for help. We are trying to help. As Deejo said: stop asking for us to hit you with the 2X4!


----------



## Deejo

This is going as I suspect everyone knew it would. 

I don't understand your thought process Trying2FigureItOut. Most people don't.

I don't know if you are in full blown denial, truly do believe that your wife has not lied to you, carried on an affair, and has in fact ended it and now wants to invest in the marriage; or if the pain is so overwhelming that you simply CAN'T look at it.

Regardlesss, I don't know if you are aware or not, but this thread, like many of your previous threads causes a visceral, and painful reaction for most of it's readers.

I don't like seeing you get beaten up. And this beating isn't going to end, not given the circumstances and your reaction to them.

I'm letting you know that if the attacks continue, I'm going to close the thread. It just isn't healthy. Not for most posters here, and not for you.

So ... to those who feel compelled to respond. Please follow that simple old adage, 

If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

We can be supportive, and even confrontational, without attacking the OP.

And if you can't, then don't post.


----------



## Acabado

Trying2figureitout said:


> Coulda woulda shoulda
> Hindsight is 20/20
> In a way I think the way I did it will result in a better fix long term than had I ended it quickly.


What is your plan NOW? In which way is different this time?

Pre aproved NC letter?
Complete transparence ,acountability of whereabouts?
Getting rid of that gym?
*Full disclosure*: timeline plus narrative plus poligraph to back them up?
Getting rid of tainted clothers, mementoes, etc?
Disclosure and getting rid of the affair tools along with toxic, enablers, "in the know" friends?
Active participation on rebuilding the trust and a loving, sexual, worthy marriage as her main proority for a good while? Self examination and openless on why she treated you so badly for the last five years? Profesional help, books, online sources?

What are your demands, expectations.
You are a planner: What's your plan now?


----------



## convert

sometimes i think some of the posters her on TAM are too tough.
This not the case here.

4 years and little to no sex even

you should at least get the hard proof needed to make a decision.

these posters mean well and they are trying to help you the best that they can.
OP I wish luck


----------



## warlock07

Trying2figureitout said:


> *Don't you think I am fully aware of that?* I know she self preserved because that's her and I had to force her hand.
> 
> Please remember I am not the typical husband I have been working on this methodically for four years so my situation is very unique to an extent and mostly cataloged here. I was done two years ago.
> 
> I still fully believe we will reconcile and I will have lots of sex with her and our best sex life ever
> 
> I would bet money on it.
> 
> As for her ever being remorseful that is to be seen..she obviously has issues.* So do I*.


Are you employed?

Do you have your own business?


----------



## treyvion

convert said:


> sometimes i think some of the posters her on TAM are too tough.
> This not the case here.
> 
> 4 years and little to no sex even
> 
> you should at least get the hard proof needed to make a decision.
> 
> these posters mean well and they are trying to help you the best that they can.
> OP I wish luck


It's been four years of sexless for him, and she never stopped doing her thing with the other guy. So that relationship is strong wherease her relationship with our TAM member is provider only.

She'll keep that going for as long as she can.

She could never understand unless she lost him, and he would have to mean it. He's currently fighting this route having blocked it off.

Let her go and get on with your life, find someone who wants you. 2 or 3 years later she may have learned that she really loved you and wanted a man like you, but you may not want her anymore after she gave so much of herself to another man. Literally committed to him and not you.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

> Don't you think I am fully aware of that? I know she self preserved because that's her and I had to force her hand.
> 
> Please remember I am not the typical husband I have been working on this methodically for four years so my situation is very unique to an extent and mostly cataloged here. I was done two years ago.
> 
> I still fully believe we will reconcile and I will have lots of sex with her and our best sex life ever


Why is it so critical that your plan be successful, as oppose to a plan suggested by someone else? Most would consider what you have done as being unsuccessful, yet you hold out hope, seemingly without reason. Why does your way have to be the correct way?


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> Everything seems normal.
> 
> And it mostly is apart from her affair.


 Wow. Do you realize what you just said? It is as if the affair is no big deal. Words escape me. Mayor Barry of Washington, DC once stated "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate." He got killed by the press for saying that.


----------



## treyvion

Tall Average Guy said:


> Why is it so critical that your plan be successful, as oppose to a plan suggested by someone else? Most would consider what you have done as being unsuccessful, yet you hold out hope, seemingly without reason. Why does your way have to be the correct way?


Because he wants to "win".


----------



## Chaparral

I want to point something out to you. Women have affairs for different reasons. Some just want sex. They continue to have sex with their husbands. They may slow down but yhey still want him too. It may be so exciting that things speed up. These are red flags we always ask about and look for.

The worst is what your wife has done. When they fall in love, their monogamus. She doesn't have sex with you because she saves herself for her true love.

There is a reason she hasn't left you, but it isn't love.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Trying2figureitout said:


> Ok what do you all think on the sex part?
> 
> I mean this just happened, she obviously has some issue with it with me I'm thinking of giving it some time.
> 
> What do you all think?


T2:

have read a little on your other threads; still confused. What is her grudge about? is it regarding your past issues with drinking or something more specific?


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Trying2figureitout said:


> Think about that movie
> 
> Money Game and the detailed statistical manipulations
> 
> I set myself up for success...not failure.


It's Moneyball I think you are referring to and here's a dirty little secret - Billy Beane has never won a goddam thing so if you define success as average with occasional high points, well that's not where I want my marriage to be.

I want a wife who doesn't step out on me, EA, PA, none. I want a wife who will give me sex more than once every 4 days, let alone once every 4 years.

I just don't get it. She must be one helluva cook.


----------



## Maricha75

PhillyGuy13 said:


> It's Moneyball I think you are referring to and here's a dirty little secret - Billy Beane has never won a goddam thing so if you define success as average with occasional high points, well that's not where I want my marriage to be.
> 
> I want a wife who doesn't step out on me, EA, PA, none. I want a wife who will give me sex more than once every 4 days, let alone once every 4 years.
> 
> I just don't get it. *She must be one helluva cook*.


No, if I remember correctly, T2 has done most, if not all, of the cooking.... and cleaning.... and caring for the kids....


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Maricha75 said:


> No, if I remember corectly, T2 has done most, if not all, of the cooking.... and cleaning.... and caring for the kids....


Then I'm stumped.


----------



## treyvion

Maricha75 said:


> No, if I remember corectly, T2 has done most, if not all, of the cooking.... and cleaning.... and caring for the kids....


Done everything wrong.


----------



## thebadguy

If he does most of the childcare, then maybe he should encourage her to go out, party, and be irresponsible. Document his parenting activity for a few months in detail and her anti-mom behavior, any marital funds spent on the affair and take it to a lawyer. Get into IC. Out her to everyone he knows. Divorce and get primary custody and compensation for the financial loss due to the affair. Get the kids into IC. Encourage her to get into IC as well for the sake of the kids. Maybe even have a few sessions as a "family" if all are willing so the kids can ask any questions in a safe environment.

....and now I should go do all that same stuff.

I understand where you are coming from OP. It is hard. Someone has to have suggested you read No More Mr Nice Guy and/or Hold Onto Your N.U.T.S. at some point. If not...start reading now.


----------



## Maricha75

He has, at least partially, gotten her to stay home a little more. But now? That ends, T2. Completely. Until she FULLY recommits to you, or you two divorce, the socializing is to be curtailed. Not kidding, T2. And the clubbing? Stops, even after you have recommitted. THere is no need for her to be doing that... I also suspect some of her friends know ALL about the affair. You need to find out which ones knew, and encouraged it... and they need to go. And her workouts? She can do it at home. No need for a gym membership, since htat was her cover for seeing the boyfriend. So much to do, T2... if you really want your marriage to reconcile.

Oh, and what you consider having been "reconciling" the last few years... it was FALSE R. She was still seing the boyfriend. That is not reconciliation. You need to start from square 1. You CANNOT build on the previous "R"... that is no longer in effect. It's a whole new ball game, T2. And if you really want it to work... you need to take the approaches outlined here. You know this. So, please, don't try to snow us with grand schemes and plans... this is the advice you requested. Now, it's all up to you if you want to use it... or to let her slip away, again, and drive it deeper underground.


----------



## treyvion

Maricha75 said:


> He has, at least partially, gotten her to stay home a little more. But now? That ends, T2. Completely. Until she FULLY recommits to you, or you two divorce, the socializing is to be curtailed. Not kidding, T2. And the clubbing? Stops, even after you have recommitted. THere is no need for her to be doing that... I also suspect some of her friends know ALL about the affair. You need to find out which ones knew, and encouraged it... and they need to go. And her workouts? She can do it at home. No need for a gym membership, since htat was her cover for seeing the boyfriend. So much to do, T2... if you really want your marriage to reconcile.
> 
> Oh, and what you consider having been "reconciling" the last few years... it was FALSE R. She was still seing the boyfriend. That is not reconciliation. You need to start from square 1. You CANNOT build on the previous "R"... that is no longer in effect. It's a whole new ball game, T2. And if you really want it to work... you need to take the approaches outlined here. You know this. So, please, don't try to snow us with grand schemes and plans... this is the advice you requested. Now, it's all up to you if you want to use it... or to let her slip away, again, and drive it deeper underground.


Right, T2 is the one who is in the dark here, not the other way around.

I think it has rooted too wide and too deep to be corrected.

These things have low success rates, and the ones who do get them trying to come back have moved on, moved on and actually really meant it.


----------



## easysolution

So, I've been here for 2 months now trying to figure out some issues in my relationship. Never felt a need to register or ask questions because I found the solution by just reading a few threads, but somehow it's just too painful not to chime in with my 2 cents in this thread. That's how sad this thread is.

One of the first lessons you come away with is that "no relationship is unique", you're not the first BS in history and probably not the last either. Affairs or maybe even relationships in general follow a script, by the words and actions of you and your WS we can guess what will happen next. 

But not you, your situation is unique. Somehow you've deluded yourself that you stand above all this and that you've got everything under control, because you have a plan. You think that you've already gone through the pain and anxiety and is not even bothered anymore to the point where you think it's a game. I doubt that.

Please, listen to the other posters in here who've followed your threads for years now and get some help (maybe you're already in IC).


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Deejo said:


> This is going as I suspect everyone knew it would.
> 
> I don't understand your thought process Trying2FigureItOut. Most people don't.
> 
> I don't know if you are in full blown denial, truly do believe that your wife has not lied to you, carried on an affair, and has in fact ended it and now wants to invest in the marriage; or if the pain is so overwhelming that you simply CAN'T look at it.
> 
> Regardlesss, I don't know if you are aware or not, but this thread, like many of your previous threads causes a visceral, and painful reaction for most of it's readers.
> 
> I don't like seeing you get beaten up. And this beating isn't going to end, not given the circumstances and your reaction to them.
> 
> I'm letting you know that if the attacks continue, I'm going to close the thread. It just isn't healthy. Not for most posters here, and not for you.
> 
> So ... to those who feel compelled to respond. Please follow that simple old adage,
> 
> If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
> 
> We can be supportive, and even confrontational, without attacking the OP.
> 
> And if you can't, then don't post.


T2:

I just want to step back and ask a couple questions. Your posts in this thread seem almost devoid of feelings. Do you feel anger/resentament toward your wife at all?? the facts of your case are so normally devastating that it seems as if you have buried your feelings so deep inside you that even _*you*_ might not realize how strong they are. which would make it even more important to express those feelings, in some way. Have you, for any reason, ever had IC? ever considered it?


----------



## nickgtg

Trying2figureitout said:


> Think about that movie
> 
> Money Game and the detailed statistical manipulations
> 
> *I set myself up for success...not failure.*


:slap:


----------



## golfergirl

You mention something about being done 2 years ago yet this has been going on for 4 years and you talk about the future for you and your wife. What do you mean by being done? Also you talk about your carefully constructed plan that you implemented. What was your goal? I really see a lot of meaningless buzz words and false bravado being thrown around and total paralysing lack of action going on. I wouldn't take you for real if I was your wife either. This has been how many times you have told her you are done if she is caught cheating. You tried to ignore the EA and now believe there was a PA and you are still there. Oo she sent him a text. How hard for her to follow up with phone call from work later stating she was busted and to work out a new cheating plan. If you choose to accept this as your fate it is your call but you honestly aren't fooling her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> No, if I remember correctly, T2 has done most, if not all, of the cooking.... and cleaning.... and caring for the kids....


I used to do more last couple years she cooks and cleans more than I do..I do father the kids


----------



## doubletrouble

Trying2figureitout said:


> Think about that movie
> 
> Money Game and the detailed statistical manipulations
> 
> I set myself up for success...not failure.


I wish you success. It will be unique in the annals of gamblers.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

nuclearnightmare said:


> T2:
> 
> I just want to step back and ask a couple questions. Your posts in this thread seem almost devoid of feelings. Do you feel anger/resentament toward your wife at all?? the facts of your case are so normally devastating that it seems as if you have buried your feelings so deep inside you that even _*you*_ might not realize how strong they are. which would make it even more important to express those feelings, in some way. Have you, for any reason, ever had IC? ever considered it?


The feelings for me came in today a lot of mixed emotions. All of them.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Chaparral said:


> I want to point something out to you. Women have affairs for different reasons. Some just want sex. They continue to have sex with their husbands. They may slow down but yhey still want him too. It may be so exciting that things speed up. These are red flags we always ask about and look for.
> 
> The worst is what your wife has done. When they fall in love, their monogamus. She doesn't have sex with you because she saves herself for her true love.
> 
> There is a reason she hasn't left you, but it isn't love.


:iagree: Agree 1,000,000 times!


----------



## Trying2figureitout

nuclearnightmare said:


> T2:
> 
> have read a little on your other threads; still confused. What is her grudge about? is it regarding your past issues with drinking or something more specific?


I guess I was aloof, spending time on the computer and ignoring her I can't remember, she complained about me carrying in groceries (which I did but maybe missed a few times), hanging with my friends at are wedding over 20 years ago, yelling at our kids and she didn't like my drinking say 3 glasses of wine

"That was throwing her under the bus" according to her.

And she has a hard time forgiving.

So I was right a *grudge*

I resolved all her list within a day, apart from the wedding 20 years ago.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> He has, at least partially, gotten her to stay home a little more. But now? That ends, T2. Completely. Until she FULLY recommits to you, or you two divorce, the socializing is to be curtailed. Not kidding, T2. And the clubbing? Stops, even after you have recommitted. THere is no need for her to be doing that... I also suspect some of her friends know ALL about the affair. You need to find out which ones knew, and encouraged it... and they need to go. And her workouts? She can do it at home. No need for a gym membership, since htat was her cover for seeing the boyfriend. So much to do, T2... if you really want your marriage to reconcile.
> 
> Oh, and what you consider having been "reconciling" the last few years... it was FALSE R. She was still seing the boyfriend. That is not reconciliation. You need to start from square 1. You CANNOT build on the previous "R"... that is no longer in effect. It's a whole new ball game, T2. And if you really want it to work... you need to take the approaches outlined here. You know this. So, please, don't try to snow us with grand schemes and plans... this is the advice you requested. Now, it's all up to you if you want to use it... or to let her slip away, again, and drive it deeper underground.


I know its yesterday forward not the previous fake stuff.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

nuclearnightmare said:


> T2:
> 
> I just want to step back and ask a couple questions. Your posts in this thread seem almost devoid of feelings. Do you feel anger/resentament toward your wife at all?? the facts of your case are so normally devastating that it seems as if you have buried your feelings so deep inside you that even _*you*_ might not realize how strong they are. which would make it even more important to express those feelings, in some way. Have you, for any reason, ever had IC? ever considered it?


Of course I do, she probably was screwing him prior to ILYNILWY 4 years 3 months ago.

The shaved pubes, sexy panties more gym time (he was her gym partner in a group of 4)

I'm slowly building the complete picture.

As for my feelings..I pretty much just accept what is. If she isn't into me so be it she is in ways great which is hard for you all to believe...of course there is the affair.

I was expressing feelings the first two years at year two I basically was done with her.

At least that was a good call on my part and prepared me for this day.


----------



## tom67

Just tell her you scheduled a polygraph appt. and see her reaction you may just get her to spill the beans.
What do you have to lose?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> I want to point something out to you. Women have affairs for different reasons. Some just want sex. They continue to have sex with their husbands. They may slow down but yhey still want him too. It may be so exciting that things speed up. These are red flags we always ask about and look for.
> 
> The worst is what your wife has done. When they fall in love, their monogamus. She doesn't have sex with you because she saves herself for her true love.
> 
> There is a reason she hasn't left you, but it isn't love.


Its pretty bad I have to admit, be a long time to trust her if ever again.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

tom67 said:


> Just tell her you scheduled a polygraph appt. and see her reaction you may just get her to spill the beans.
> What do you have to lose?




Well you see she has one chance. It does me no good seeing her squirm and I already know what happened in my mind.


----------



## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> Well you see she has one chance. It does me no good seeing her squirm and I already know what happened in my mind.


var and spy app on cell phone and shes struck out. Shes not scared of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

Re, the polygraph, have you told her yet you do not believe her and you believe she has been in a physical affair all along? 

The first order of business is to really break up the affair. You HAVE to find out about the posom. You only know what she has told, essentialy, that means you know nothing. He may be married or in an ltr with kids, maybe why your wife hasn't left him. You need to out him to his family and friends. Is he on facebook?

And there is also cheaterville.com


----------



## easysolution

Trying2figureitout said:


> So I'm a doormat whatever. I see it as being a good man and I have no problem of how I handled it apart from letting her off the hook almost two years ago.


Apart from the affair and the dead bedroom, you're saying that your marriage is going well. What are your plans going forward, in the short term and long term? When do you think you will have sex again? A week from now? A month? A year? Does your plan include any concrete steps and deadlines? Do you have a plan B if lets say your WW breaks NC. 

I'm gonna leave you with a tip: ask her for a morning kiss when you wake up tomorrow


----------



## Racer

Trying2figureitout said:


> So I'm a doormat whatever. I see it as being a good man and I have no problem of how I handled it apart from letting her off the hook almost two years ago.


Been there, done that. What should be sticking in your craw about now is what did you learn from your failed plan and the continued chances you give her? 

The lesson I took away from my false-R was simply that I can not make assumptions about her at all, or control, or steer, or reason, or direct what she thinks and does with herself. She will simply do what she will. So, I can only control me. That said, “What do I want?” became the big question; as well as taking out all consideration of her or some perceived outcome I was devastatingly proven that I could not control as far as ‘us’. It was just me, and my life. Now what do I want to do with it? 

That should be where you are heading. I stuck with “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” (Albert Einstein). So, what happens when I do it completely different? That’s the path I started down because I looked back at what I’d been doing and no longer saw a point in continuing down that same path.


----------



## skype

I am so glad that you finally realized this is a PA. Now you have to confront her with evidence and monitor her activities to make sure she has ended the affair. I do not know if she will show any remorse, but that is your call about continuing the marriage. Action is required; no more assumptions.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Trying2figureitout said:


> So I'm a doormat whatever. I see it as being a good man and I have no problem of how I handled it apart from letting her off the hook almost two years ago.


Yes you are being a doormat! Your being a good enabler and not being a man about this. Stand up for yourself and your kids and get the whole truth out so you can get your situation resolved.
I am going to tell you this now, she has pulled this on you for 4 years! 4 years, she is not going to stop cold turkey. 
Listen to these guys, they are trying to help you. We are all rooting for you but its hard to back you up when your blinding yourself.


----------



## treyvion

skype said:


> I am so glad that you finally realized this is a PA. Now you have to confront her with evidence and monitor her activities to make sure she has ended the affair. I do not know if she will show any remorse, but that is your call about continuing the marriage. Action is required; no more assumptions.


How is she going to end 4 + years of this desired lifestyle for her in just a few short weeks?

What about all the support, the people who know about this relationship behind his back.

What about all the locations, etc, etc.

Someone has to have a REALLY good reason to give that up, and it takes along time and a lot of suffering for most human beings to realize how wrong they are.

I don't think he can help a case that has gone on this long. The best thing he can do is let her go and help youself, you will be fine.


----------



## treyvion

treyvion said:


> How is she going to end 4 + years of this desired lifestyle for her in just a few short weeks?
> 
> What about all the support, the people who know about this relationship behind his back.
> 
> What about all the locations, etc, etc.
> 
> Someone has to have a REALLY good reason to give that up, and it takes along time and a lot of suffering for most human beings to realize how wrong they are.
> 
> I don't think he can help a case that has gone on this long. The best thing he can do is let her go and help youself, you will be fine.


I'm going to stop adding contributions to this thread, depressing as hell, reminds me of when I get into bad positions and convince myself why to stay stuck.


----------



## skype

Yes, I too don't see her ending the affair and being remorseful, but T2 needs to see a path to confronting her.


----------



## treyvion

skype said:


> Yes, I too don't see her ending the affair and being remorseful, but T2 needs to see a path to confronting her.


He doesn't have to do a damn thing for her. He can pack his stuff and leave or have her pack her stuff and leave, stop helping her. Tell her to go to the other guy, it's ok, he can put a roof over her head.


----------



## nickgtg

I'm sure T2 doesn't need anybody here feeling sorry for him, but in a way I do. I know what it's like to try to hold on to something you love so much. The difference is I knew when to let go, and it seems that's his problem.

You can't make someone respect or love you, but you can sure as hell respect and love yourself.


----------



## just got it 55

Trying2figureitout said:


> I agree i do need to know eventually the full extent...not now. Now is the time to be patient and let her make her moves and *I need to give her time to process the loss of the OM. In time I will ask for full disclosure.*
> 
> T2F Way too nice Get to the bottom of it now.
> 
> Full on 007
> 
> Sorry Bud this is going to hurt like h3ll
> 
> 4 years and all the work you put in
> 
> Its iffy right now what she will do as they say her actions dictate my reactions still in 180 mode.
> 
> 
> 
> 180 dictates not to chase or ask for explanations and move on.


55


----------



## just got it 55

Trying2figureitout said:


> Her description hes a gym partner originally now he flips houses I think he used to work for the school district about our age
> 
> I texted him over two years ago and told him to back off he promised he would..yeah right


T2F This is the second mention that you knew about this "friendship"

Your level of awareness is suspect at best

Please take this more seriously

The fun has not begun

55


----------



## Racer

skype said:


> Yes, I too don't see her ending the affair and being remorseful, but T2 needs to see a path to confronting her.


It can happen... but it is by no means fast and I (and others I know) couldn't do it 'nice'. T2 hasn't embraced that anger yet, though I sense some detachment... so I will hold off advising him that way until I feel like he might be ready for those words. 

I might recommend he go back and read my advice to Boston though about accepting 'her terms' of what this relationship is versus how he wants it to be or how it should be. This new discovery doesn't change one thing about that.


----------



## just got it 55

soccermom2three said:


> What exactly are you winning?


I knew if I didn't ask this someone would

55


----------



## BetrayedDad

Chaparral said:


> The worst is what your wife has done. When they fall in love, their monogamus. She doesn't have sex with you because she saves herself for her true love.
> 
> There is a reason she hasn't left you, but it isn't love.


It's almost SICK the way they swear allegiance to their OM while they continue to break their vows behind your back. Almost like them saying, "You can trust me lover.... only my husband can't." Some will do this for YEARS. It's like they forget they are MARRIED to someone else. The shamelessness blows me away.

You have to be a sociopath to be that kind of a cheater.


----------



## just got it 55

Don't we all remember one of the first things we learned here on TAM

"We have to be willing to risk losing our marriage in order to save it"

T2F

Please please take a risk to save something

55


----------



## treyvion

BetrayedDad said:


> It's almost SICK the way they swear allegiance to their OM while they continue to break their vows behind your back. Almost like them saying, "You can trust me lover.... only my husband can't." Some will do this for YEARS. It's like they forget they are MARRIED to someone else. The shamelessness blows me away.
> 
> You have to be a sociopath to be that kind of a cheater.


This my friends is how it's done. A cheater is loyal to most people except their spouse.


----------



## treyvion

just got it 55 said:


> Don't we all remember one of the first things we learned here on TAM
> 
> "We have to be willing to risk losing our marriage in order to save it"
> 
> T2F
> 
> Please please take a risk to save something
> 
> 55


He has to lose his marriage to save himself. If wife decides in the 2 to 3 years of fallout that he was a great choice it will be up to him then, but he probably won't want to mess with it when he found someone who is loyal and appreciates him.


----------



## soccermom2three

T2, I think you need to figure out why your self-worth is so low that you accept this kind of treatment from your wife. I don't know if that's through self-reflection or IC but you need to somehow come to terms with the fact that your wife isn't all that great or special and that you deserve so much better.


----------



## BetrayedDad

soccermom2three said:


> T2, I think you need to figure out why your self-worth is so low that you accept this kind of treatment from your wife. I don't know if that's through self-reflection or IC but you need to somehow come to terms with the fact that your wife isn't all that great or special and that you deserve so much better.


Bingo. This guys got zero self-respect. It's almost impossible NOT to find someone better so why these types of guys hang around for years just to be walked all over and abused by their cheating spouses is beyond me. 

Cheaters have no self respect. That's why they cheat. T2 doesn't seem to have any either. That's why he stays.


----------



## just got it 55

treyvion said:


> He has to lose his marriage to save himself. If wife decides in the 2 to 3 years of fallout that he was a great choice it will be up to him then, but he probably won't want to mess with it when he found someone who is loyal and appreciates him.


I hope he has that incite

Just curious T2F

What was that bus thing over from 4 years ago ?

55


----------



## john1068

Trying2figureitout said:


> weightlifter said:
> 
> 
> 
> Your evidence is disappearing as I type at you.
> 
> #shake head sadly.
> 
> You are giving her time to process the loss of the OM?!??
> WHAT?!?!? Sadly no.
> 
> You are actually giving her time to:
> hide evidence
> take it underground
> cement the relationship while you become plan B.
> Get better at hiding cheating
> 
> Please wake up.
> 
> >Its interesting shes a friendly cheater, we have a good life together in all other aspects. I do get a lot from her in other ways.
Click to expand...


----------



## BetrayedDad

john1068 said:


> You are actually giving her time to:
> hide evidence
> take it underground
> cement the relationship while you become plan B.
> Get better at hiding cheating
> 
> Please wake up.


I don't think she needs anymore time. After more than four years, I think she's mastered pulling the wool over this guy's eyes.

And it's not like all the warning signs weren't there. He wants to give her time to mourn the OM.... How nice of him? T2, what courtesy did she give you while denying you sex to screw this guy over and over again? Did she even bother making the guy put on a rubber? Doubtful.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Pretty sure I called this one about 2 years ago.

T2, make sure you smell her breath everytime she comes back in the house. You're looking for a faint ammonia smell. Happy morning kisses!


----------



## treyvion

WorkingOnMe said:


> Pretty sure I called this one about 2 years ago.
> 
> T2, make sure you smell her breath everytime she comes back in the house. You're looking for a faint ammonia smell. Happy morning kisses!


Morning kisses, could have meant

"Morning, kisses"

which means 

"good morning" + " hugs and kisses"

nothing to do with oral, but it is an affectionate term used for people intimate and sentimental with each other.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

treyvion said:


> Morning kisses, could have meant
> 
> 
> 
> "Morning, kisses"
> 
> 
> 
> which means
> 
> 
> 
> "good morning" + " hugs and kisses"
> 
> 
> 
> nothing to do with oral, but it is an affectionate term used for people intimate and sentimental with each other.



Ya keep telling yourself that.


----------



## treyvion

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ya keep telling yourself that.




My babe says it to me and it has nothing to do with blowjobs, it means what I said it does in our context.

Its normally "morning, kisses" unless the comma is dropped.

Maybe it means something else between others.


----------



## Maricha75

I'd accept that, treyvion, except for one thing.... T2's original post says "morning kisses??"
That's more like asking "hey, we got time for a little fun before work?"


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Tonight's update... SUCCESS

OK I listened to all of you and made an affair question list and went one by one....she was laughing out loud at it. Especially urban slang for blowjob (Morning kisses) she though that was hilarious. She was in a good mood.

End of my list these were her admissions:

1.*She Loves him* (Not in a sexual way but really does love him) and he has never said he loves her he knows she is married. They have had no physical contact. She "loves" a lot of her friends and tells them.

She admitted that was HER texts to him. "I love you (his first and last name)" twice

2.She has been trying to fall back in love with me since ILYNILWY but holds that "under the bus" and "you are not good at sex" something she thinks I mentioned about her ....resentment

3.She hates when I bring up sex talk shes ...done DONE with the repeat topic. (I'm like well then have sex)

4.She has known him for about three years not four.

She understands how it looks to me.

Obviously I had some problem with her explanation with the three years of texting and "I love you" twice and Morning kisses... but I believe she is straight up telling me the truth after an hour she was honest and very forthcoming I detected no deception on her part at all.

I told her saying or texting I LOVE YOU to any guy outside of family is wrong and crossed a boundary and leads him on... never to be crossed again. And that means he is out permanently forever.

She understood and said I already promised no contact and promise never to do so again.

I asked why she doesn't text me I LOVE YOU and looked to me as if there is your answer...so she does now love the convenience and truly is attempting to bring back normal love after ILYNILWY. But I trigger negatives at points an she never gets there to LOVE ME and as a result says no to sex because she does no love me that way and why would she do what she doesn't like?

So I explained how we hurt each other BADLY and I call it EVEN Now! 

She then said how does it feel? with a grin.

I said IT hurts insanely bad and we are now even and we are doing nothing but destroying the marriage this way its insane. We need normal! Not this cycle of insanity.

She listened intently ..I told her I want a NORMAL marriage not one where you are basically *torturing me*. I said you have several months to deal with your resentment +( I recommended IC) and get us back to a* sexual marriage* or I am gone this is nuts. Next talk will be about splitting.

We ended at that and I told her if she made me divorce her over this I would never forgive her. She said really I said REALLY.

It was a *GRUDGE!!!!* and an EA. 

So guess what my PLAN worked! You will see.

Goodnight.

PLAN evidently works only with GRUDGES and true EA's

My wife must be the biggest grudge holder EVER its nutso! Geez!


----------



## Chaparral

Bless your heart.


----------



## Chaparral

I should have added, you need to talk to you're momma son. I'm worried about how many cards are in your deck.


----------



## PBear

Just as an FYI... Your "plan" has accomplished absolutely nothing. But enjoy the feeling of the cool sand surrounding your head...

C


----------



## Trying2figureitout

PBear said:


> Just as an FYI... Your "plan" has accomplished absolutely nothing. But enjoy the feeling of the cool sand surrounding your head...
> 
> C


We will see won't we? I will be successful.

The Plan will be posted after start having sex again.

She will find a way to move on and open those legs gracefully for me and love me.

Wow. Insane. Not sure I want her back but whatever I'll enjoy testing her body out again.


----------



## PBear

Trying2figureitout said:


> We will see won't we? I will be successful.


Well, we've definitely seen how your 4 year plan has worked out so far...

C


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Trying2figureitout said:


> We will see won't we? I will be successful.
> 
> The Plan will be posted after start having sex again.


This is called moving the goal posts. It is something you have done the entire thread. 

Others will want to see the plan, I will not. I've read most of your other threads. You will rewrite your plan, when you tell the other posters, so it will look successful.


----------



## soccermom2three

Wow, the wife goggles are like the bottom of coke bottles with this one.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

phillybeffandswiss said:


> This is called moving the goal posts. It is something you have done the entire thread.
> 
> Others will want to see the plan, I will not. I've read most of your other threads. You will rewrite your plan, when you tell the other posters, so it will look successful.


The plan is successful if it takes a legit sexless marriage and turns it into a connected sexual marriage for life.

I put the odds at 90% now of acheive that with my "likes sex" wife


----------



## 3putt




----------



## Chaparral

She was laughing because she couldn't keep a straight face.............again.

She goes brazzilian, wears thongs.................for nobody..........she found the only man in the world that would believe that sh!t. Morning kisses and I love you and swallowed it hook line and sinker.

An no married woman is going four years without because you suddenly can't perform. How insulting can a woman possibly be? She can't even manage to torture herself on holidays, your birthdays, or valentines and give you a little.

No.man can be this dense. This can't be anyones real life.

They're liable to have stroke laughing at you this time.


----------



## 3putt

Chaparral said:


> They're liable to have stroke laughing at you this time.


I think I just had a mini one myself reading this wreck. This is way beyond anything I've ever seen before.

Ugh....


----------



## treyvion

Maricha75 said:


> I'd accept that, treyvion, except for one thing.... T2's original post says "morning kisses??"
> That's more like asking "hey, we got time for a little fun before work?"


Whether it's a blowjob or not, someone would say it to someone who is supposed to be their "man". It's not just a buddy...


----------



## Chaparral

And he's still paying those bills for his room mate.

Seriously, does she allow you to see her naked?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> And he's still paying those bills for his room mate.
> 
> Seriously, does she allow you to see her naked?


Yes I see her totally naked A LOT shes fine with me in the bathroom. Just shuns sex.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> Whether it's a blowjob or not, someone would say it to someone who is supposed to be their "man". It's not just a buddy...


Why it had to end,,,she is* in love* with him but stayed faithful due to our marriage. She says she has no time anyhow even if she wanted too to cheat , She CAN'T HAVE SEX with him (although she probably would in a heartbeat) as its cheating and she is married and it was a 100% strict EA... hows your day crap innuendo crap NOT sure why he put up with the tease for three years I probably did him a favor.

You know what I can accept it was wrong but its her Mrs social and I can see it happening to her. As long as she did not go physical and ended it once confirmed. That's enough for me. sex with me

That did result though in her not wanting sex with me because of him.

To me he's still an ass she loves him always will ..but she realizes it was wrong. She does not seem ashamed it just is. I think she knows she "can" love me again if she works out the resentment and when she does we will be OK.

With him out we will now succeed. She seemed happy and smiling . Probably a lot of stress off her with two men for three years.


----------



## nickgtg

Okay, okay, you got us all. This is a joke. Nobody, and I mean nobody can be this gullible in real life.

If this is really true, that laughter you heard wasn't directed at what you said, but at you directly.



Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## nickgtg

She can and did have sex with him. Period. The end.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## lordmayhem

nickgtg said:


> Okay, okay, you got us all. This is a joke. Nobody, and I mean nobody can be this gullible in real life.
> 
> If this is really true, that laughter you heard wasn't directed at what you said, but at you directly.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

This is almost unbelievable. Its tragic and sad. I'm outtie.

There's other BSs in the forum that actually can be helped. No need for a another 50 pages.


----------



## RyanBingham

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why it had to end,,,she is* in love* with him but stayed faithful due to our marrige. She says she has no time anyhow even if she wanted too to cheat , She CAN'T HAVE SEX with him (although she probably would in a heartbeat) as its cheating and she is married and it was a 100% strict EA... hows your day crap innuendo crap NOT sure why he put up with the tease for three years I probably did him a favor.
> 
> To me he's still an ass to her not..but she realizes it was wrong.
> 
> With him out we will succeed.


Seriously this is my last post (promise like your wife's faithfulness)... 

Anyway, you're measuring the success of your PLAN based on her sexual reconnection with you? Even though she said she was tired of you bringing up the "sex talk" again? 

Why don't you agree that both you and her get an STD test first thing. It's reasonable that you check before you dive into that fantasy hole you think will be your lottery winning...


----------



## Trying2figureitout

nickgtg said:


> Okay, okay, you got us all. This is a joke. Nobody, and I mean nobody can be this gullible in real life.
> 
> If this is really true, that laughter you heard wasn't directed at what you said, but at you directly.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


No its real she is that way. She was purposely torturing me. Grudge.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

RyanBingham said:


> Seriously this is my last post (promise like your wife's faithfulness)...
> 
> Anyway, you're measuring the success of your PLAN based on her sexual reconnection with you? Even though she said she was tired of you bringing up the "sex talk" again?
> 
> Why don't you agree that both you and her get an STD test first thing. It's reasonable that you check before you dive into that fantasy hole you think will be your lottery winning...


I base success on the whole package, solving the issue, having a better sexlife, ending the EA, better dynamics etc.

She did not have sex out of wedlock no need for STD test she just was waiting to feel for me again as I asked her to, the EA did not help there. I doubt she really tried now she will after tonight. I'm sure she herself needs sex at this point too its been 15 months and last vaginal orgasm release in her was over two years ago.


----------



## Headspin

:scratchhead:

That's for the people replying !!


----------



## manfromlamancha

This is just too bad to be true!


Your wife is "in touch" with OM for 4 years!
You do not get sex for these 4 years.
Your wife says it was just an EA for this length of time.
Life at home with you is "great" other than she can't stand you touching her leave alone having sex with her.
Your wife shaves her pubes and buys new sexy underwear - but not for sex - maybe because she had an itch down there or something (snigger, snigger)
You are on a quest to prove to TAM (?) that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you.
When challenged, you are on a quest to prove to TAM that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you AND enjoying the sex! (Ha! That'll show us!)
Your wife does not like sex.
Your wife does like sex but not with you ... leading to ...
She probably did have a PA (lightbulb on!)
But then back to your wife did not have a PA.
Your wife admits that she is in love with the OM and would have sex with him if it wasn't considered cheating.
Your wife says that she loves you too but it's just that you make her skin crawl when you try to touch her.
You consider your progress to date successful and indicative of a happy marriage and just about everyone on TAM is wrong and doesn't get it.
And you have been on top of this and prepared to divorce her if your master plan did not succeed - but it is succeeding and you are confident of happy ever after.
You have homework and a term paper to write but this is way more fun.

OK I get it.


----------



## Remains

It seems to me that you are fully aware of your reality but are doing your best to make excuses and divert. You know she doesn't love you. You are comfortable. 

Your fear is losing what you have because your biggest fear is change. And living in the hell you know is better than stepping into the unknown. 

All your talk on here is just talk. All bravado. Empty words, threats and justifications. Why don't you just accept your lot or move on. They are your only options. Everything else is just blowing hot air into an empty room.


----------



## davecarter

Deejo said:


> This is going as I suspect everyone knew it would.
> 
> I don't understand your thought process Trying2FigureItOut. Most people don't.
> 
> I don't know if you are in full blown denial, truly do believe that your wife has not lied to you, carried on an affair, and has in fact ended it and now wants to invest in the marriage; or if the pain is so overwhelming that you simply CAN'T look at it.
> 
> Regardlesss, I don't know if you are aware or not, but this thread, like many of your previous threads causes a visceral, and painful reaction for most of it's readers.
> 
> I don't like seeing you get beaten up. And this beating isn't going to end, not given the circumstances and your reaction to them.
> 
> I'm letting you know that if the attacks continue, I'm going to close the thread. It just isn't healthy. Not for most posters here, and not for you.
> 
> So ... to those who feel compelled to respond. Please follow that simple old adage,
> If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.
> 
> We can be supportive, and even confrontational, without attacking the OP.
> 
> And if you can't, then don't post.


People _are _being supportive and confrontational...but they just happen to be all 'tooled-up' with a 2x4 behind their backs, just in case..

It's like that scene in Airplane! when the woman starts panicking and screaming - the Doctor is like slapping her hard across the face, _"For God's sake woman, pull yourself together!" _, then moving onto other passengers in a queue, w/ baseball bats, knuckle-dusters, to knock some sense into her.

Neverfigureditout loser is that woman.
We're the passengers. :whip:


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Sometimes when I first get up in the morning I have trouble reading the tiny print on my cell phone. That has to be the case here, right?? No?

Wow. Good luck man. I'm out


==================================================

++++++++++END OF PG13 CONTRIBUTION TO THREAD+++++++++++

==================================================


----------



## Maricha75

Oh, T2, you knew I would reply when I woke up.... 

She was lying to you. It all started with that laugh. I'd say I am surprised that you are this clueless... but I'm not. I gave the same reaction to my husband when he first discovered my EA. *smdh* It took more than an hour to get through to me. Sorry, T2, but she was lying through her teeth... and you bought it. You bought it because you WANTED it to be true. You can tell the difference between incoming and outgoing messages... she's trying to gaslight you... and it's WORKING. I give up, T2. You really don't want the help. You seemed so sincere when you PM'd me. I guess you and your wife are perfectly matched after all. You both pretend to be sincere.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

This is just too bad to be true!

[*]Your wife is "in touch" with OM for 4 years!
Three years one year after ILYNILWY

[*]You do not get sex for these 4 years.
WE had sex about 28 times in those four years, only twice in past two (sexless by definition)


[*]Your wife says it was just an EA for this length of time.
YES and I believe her

[*]Life at home with you is "great" other than she can't stand you touching her leave alone having sex with her.
Apart from the stress on both ends dealing with the situation YES we are a normal well adjusted family who love each other.

[*]Your wife shaves her pubes and buys new sexy underwear - but not for sex - maybe because she had an itch down there or something (snigger, snigger)
I think she worked on herself after the ILYNILWY similar to how men primp just in case it doesn't work out

[*]You are on a quest to prove to TAM (?) that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you.
Not really however my goal was to find a way arond ILYNILWY and sexless marriage and help others in documenting it. I did resaeach and sa NO solution so I developed A PLAN I already told my wife I would rather divorce than force her to do have sex with me and I won't cheat to get the sex I need as a man.

[*]When challenged, you are on a quest to prove to TAM that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you AND enjoying the sex! (Ha! That'll show us!)
???

[*]Your wife does not like sex.
Her words: I like sex

[*]Your wife does like sex but not with you ... leading to ...
Currently YES

[*]She probably did have a PA (lightbulb on!)
NO... I was certain based on the evidence it was a torrid PA but now I fully beilieve she did not have any sex outside our marriage

[*]But then back to your wife did not have a PA.
Correct

[*]Your wife admits that she is in love with the OM and would have sex with him if it wasn't considered cheating.
She admitted being IN LOVE with him I added the sex part assuming people IN LOVE would have sex and she herself is likely needing sex now.

[*]Your wife says that she loves you too but it's just that you make her skin crawl when you try to touch her.
She lets me touch her and enjoys foot and leg rugs she never said anything about not liking touch. AS for if she loves me YES and NO...its still I LOVE YOU (AS a good man, father and what you do for me but niot enough to get over the resentment and have sex with you which she doesn't enjoy currently

[*]You consider your progress to date successful and indicative of a happy marriage and just about everyone on TAM is wrong and doesn't get it.
I know my situation, I have been "Happy" for about two out of the four years she has been Happy mostly all of it and, The situation is very stressful (on both..elephant in the room) but I handle it fairly well waiting for a new sexlife.

[*]And you have been on top of this and prepared to divorce her if your master plan did not succeed - but it is succeeding and you are confident of happy ever after.
I may divorce her since its time to resolve this and I won't accept her not dealing with resentment fully in four years she has until about July to turn this into a sexual happy connected marriage and our best marriage ever after marriage 2.0

[*]You have homework and a term paper to write but this is way more fun.
No I am here to document my journey to try to help others some advice here helps me others way off base for my situation


----------



## Chaparral

If you were right, at least a few folks would come along to back you up. None will. What you are proposing is that your farce of a marriage continue along as it is. You haven't mentioned it but you won't investigate either. 

Frankly, I don't believe anyone can be made a fool of this badly unless they want to be. Intead of being the good guy in this, you have just turned into the unsympathetic cuckhold. Instead of a tragedy with a happy ending this is a comedy with you as a the never ending dupe.

Hopefully, you have made all this up. In either case you need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe there are drugs for your condition.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> Oh, T2, you knew I would reply when I woke up....
> 
> She was lying to you. It all started with that laugh. I'd say I am surprised that you are this clueless... but I'm not. I gave the same reaction to my husband when he first discovered my EA. *smdh* It took more than an hour to get through to me. Sorry, T2, but she was lying through her teeth... and you bought it. You bought it because you WANTED it to be true. You can tell the difference between incoming and outgoing messages... she's trying to gaslight you... and it's WORKING. I give up, T2. You really don't want the help. You seemed so sincere when you PM'd me. I guess you and your wife are perfectly matched after all. You both pretend to be sincere.


If she's lying I will divorce her in the summer 
If she is telling the truth my PLAN worked

Its either or this IS it.

Shes an interesting person... this is like the twilight zone for me two I'm like What?

I believe she will deal with her resentment and we will have a great marriage after with sex


----------



## just got it 55

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why it had to end,,,she is* in love* with him but stayed faithful due to our marriage. She says she has no time anyhow even if she wanted too to cheat , She CAN'T HAVE SEX with him (although she probably would in a heartbeat) as its cheating and she is married and it was a 100% strict EA... hows your day crap innuendo crap NOT sure why he put up with the tease for three years I probably did him a favor.
> 
> You know what I can accept it was wrong but its her Mrs social and I can see it happening to her. As long as she did not go physical and ended it once confirmed. That's enough for me. sex with me
> 
> That did result though in her not wanting sex with me because of him.
> 
> To me he's still an ass she loves him always will ..but she realizes it was wrong. She does not seem ashamed it just is. I think she knows she "can" love me again if she works out the resentment and when she does we will be OK.
> 
> With him out we will now succeed. She seemed happy and smiling . Probably a lot of stress off her with two men for three years.


T2F

You can't or just don't want to see it for what it is

55


----------



## golfergirl

Why are you holding such importance over the physical act of sex with OM? She loves him and she doesn't love you. Doesn't that hurt more that the physical act? She would choose him but due to obligation or you having better job or liking your house or wanting to keep status quo with kids - is putting up with you because she doesn't have to do anything and keeps her sex life on the side. She wasn't laughing because your accusations are not true and laughable, she's laughing because no one could be that gullible. She's laughing at you. I am not trying to be flip or insulting but I don't think you are all there. What you are holding as success and the ultimate prize at the end is not what a happy relationship is about. You are missing the love and emotion as to what makes a marriage satisfying and deem success if she tolerates your touch and opens her legs. Doesn't phase you that she doesn't love you and has to try (sounds half-heartlessly) to love you again. Her reasons aren't a grudge - they are excuses for a gullible man. I'd say if you went out and had sex with a bar pick up there would be more emotion on her part than your wife. Even if your wife comes around to your ultimate goal in your plan, it's just sad. You have won nothing. 'Win' 'winning' makes me think of Charlie Sheen at his height of madness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> If you were right, at least a few folks would come along to back you up. None will. What you are proposing is that your farce of a marriage continue along as it is. You haven't mentioned it but you won't investigate either.
> 
> Frankly, I don't believe anyone can be made a fool of this badly unless they want to be. Intead of being the good guy in this, you have just turned into the unsympathetic cuckhold. Instead of a tragedy with a happy ending this is a comedy with you as a the never ending dupe.
> 
> Hopefully, you have made all this up. In either case you need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe there are drugs for your condition.


Again I am documenting my journey to help others in similar type situations and THE PLAN is based on my research of women's psychology and I was dissapointed that ILYNILWY seemingly had no solution I think I found a solution.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

golfergirl said:


> Why are you holding such importance over the physical act of sex with OM? She loves him and she doesn't love you. Doesn't that hurt more that the physical act? She would choose him but due to obligation or you having better job or liking your house or wanting to keep status quo with kids - is putting up with you because she doesn't have to do anything and keeps her sex life on the side. She wasn't laughing because your accusations are not true and laughable, she's laughing because no one could be that gullible. She's laughing at you. I am not trying to be flip or insulting but I don't think you are all there. What you are holding as success and the ultimate prize at the end is not what a happy relationship is about. You are missing the love and emotion as to what makes a marriage satisfying and deem success if she tolerates your touch and opens her legs. Doesn't phase you that she doesn't love you and has to try (sounds half-heartlessly) to love you again. Her reasons aren't a grudge - they are excuses for a gullible man. I'd say if you went out and had sex with a bar pick up there would be more emotion on her part than your wife. Even if your wife comes around to your ultimate goal in your plan, it's just sad. You have won nothing. 'Win' 'winning' makes me think of Charlie Sheen at his height of madness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She does not choose him she chooses ME and has not had physical contact with OM and is maintaining NC. I asked her why she stays with me if she doesn't truly love me in the way I need...she says I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman and I am trying to open my heart and love you again in the way you need. Its hard for me (her) I cant just turn that part of me back on like a switch it is a slow process that sometimes you trigger negative feelings and it never gets there....yet


----------



## golfergirl

That's not choosing you that's putting up with you to keep status quo. Choosing you is 'I love you and our life together and I don't want to be anywhere else'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

just got it 55 said:


> T2F
> 
> You can't or just don't want to see it for what it is
> 
> 55


I believe my wife no matter how much I think I know she is telling me the truth.

What do you think it is I'm curious.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> She does not choose him she chooses ME. I asked her why she stays with me if she doesn't truly love me in the way I need...*she says I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman* and I am trying to open my heart and love you again in the way you need. Its hard for me (her) I cant just turn that part of me back on like a switch


She is staying for convenience. TRYING to love you? *smdh* It's not a matter of turning things back on like a switch. She disconnected and sought attention elsewhere... and kept it up. You know it did go physical... You're just grasping at straws, hoping you will wake up and it won't be true. She claims she had no time for a physical affair...that's gaslighting, T2. She's trying to make you think it's ludicrous... but it isn't. I'm just.... wow....


----------



## Trying2figureitout

golfergirl said:


> That's not choosing you that's putting up with you to keep status quo. Choosing you is 'I love you and our life together and I don't want to be anywhere else'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In a way yes but even she realizes it could be much better we have a solid base and she would be NUTS to not comply and find a way to a normal sexual marriage...clock is ticking

WE have done 98% of the legwork already


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> She is staying for convenience. TRYING to love you? *smdh* It's not a matter of turning things back on like a switch. She disconnected and sought attention elsewhere... and kept it up. You know it did go physical... You're just grasping at straws, hoping you will wake up and it won't be true. She claims she had no time for a physical affair...that's gaslighting, T2. She's trying to make you think it's ludicrous... but it isn't. I'm just.... wow....


It did not go physical

Yes she disconnected (I turned off emotions for you) and she sought/found an EA with her gym partner and found a man she loves they would text about their days and she found his lifestyle interesting..he's an a hole

She is a very busy lady

I don't think she is staying for convenience I do believe she like me believes in marriage for life she even stated that to me.

She just need to get us from worse to better finally. She has a few months to do so...and she ended the OM relationship two days ago via text and promised never to cross that boundary again.

What is so hard to believe?


----------



## catsa

OMG. Anyone else read the linked blog?

I was thinking the whole thing was a joke. 

I just can't read this thread anymore.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

catsa said:


> OMG. Anyone else read the linked blog?
> 
> I was thinking the whole thing was a joke.
> 
> I just can't read this thread anymore.


Then don't its your choice... others it may help and part of the basis of the plan which will be posted there in its entirety later..if it works 100% for me.


In essence what I think I successfully did (PATTING MYSELF ON THE BACK) was shorten (we will all know soon enough), the natural recovery process in a guaranteed fashion...normally after ILYNILWY many never recover and those that do are over a decade or more later after a lightbulb goes off. The only shorter and extremely rare short-term ones recovered in 3-5 years naturally hence my initial 4 year window of steps, I am at 4 yr 3 mo working on this so close to my goal and I made huge key mistakes along the way.

I basically took a negative and turned it into a life change event. Purposely. Made it a positive eventually. Did I use psychological manipulation YES

My process was methodical one to shorten that time frame into a range of years that if dedicated and put in place one could survive it and it dictates what changes need to occur for a happy sexual marriage to my current wife thus saving our marriage AND IMPROVING IT GREATLY and creating the environment for a sexual marriage that is strong and never will fail.

Its based in part on Calle Zorro which I believe is the best current resource... mostly but I tailored my steps for the evilness of a sexless marriage.

At year two we both were on the road to today.....and happy. Sex is the last domino to fall.

I did not want to change (mmsl STUFF) , I wanted a result where I did not need to drastically change my personality in order to maintain this for life naturally.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Trying2figureitout said:


> She does not choose him she chooses ME and has not had physical contact with OM and is maintaining NC. I asked her why she stays with me if she doesn't truly love me in the way I need...she says I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman and I am trying to open my heart and love you again in the way you need. Its hard for me (her) I cant just turn that part of me back on like a switch it is a slow process that sometimes you trigger negative feelings and it never gets there....yet


Reread what you just typed. She chose you because: "I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman". That's not choosing you, that's her trying to avoid a negative perception from others. It's been 4 years. How long does it take for someone to figure out whether they love their spouse romantically? You think at some point in time, she would have developed those feelings for you again. But she didn't. Why? Because she gave her heart to another man. Your plan did not work. You are actually back to square one.

I think the biggest issue here is that you do not want to give up on your 4 year investment. You need to figure out that this is a sunk cost. It's OK to walk away. Anyone else would have by now. You haven't had a marriage in 4 years already, and you have already made these very same proclamations in the past. I believe 2 years ago, you said (paraphrase) "If I find out that she's cheating again, I'm gone". Well...you just found out that she was STILL carrying on the EA (most likely PA) behind your back. Actually, right under your nose in plain site. You're incapable of holding your wife to legitimate standards critical to a marriage. I doubt you will start doing it now.


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> In a way yes but even she realizes it could be much better we have a solid base and she would be NUTS to not comply and find a way to a normal sexual marriage...clock is ticking
> 
> WE have done 98% of the legwork already


Clock is ticking. Not even the wonderful ladies on the sight can believe you are so foolish.

I say you go the distance. You will still be begging for sex when she starts menopause. You should already getting a plan for that.

Have you stareted recovering her deleted texts yet?

By the way how many texts a month has they been sending?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> Clock is ticking. Not even the wonderful ladies on the sight can believe you are so foolish.
> 
> I say you go the distance. You will still be begging for sex when she starts menopause. You should already getting a plan for that.
> 
> Have you stareted recovering her deleted texts yet?
> 
> By the way how many texts a month has they been sending?


No I wont... she knows the deal its been instilled over the past four years.

Texting was anywhere from several hundred to thousands ....a month earlier.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Reread what you just typed. She chose you because: "I don't want to be a middle aged divorced woman". That's not choosing you, that's her trying to avoid a negative perception from others. It's been 4 years. How long does it take for someone to figure out whether they love their spouse romantically? You think at some point in time, she would have developed those feelings for you again. But she didn't. Why? Because she gave her heart to another man. Your plan did not work. You are actually back to square one.
> 
> I think the biggest issue here is that you do not want to give up on your 4 year investment. You need to figure out that this is a sunk cost. It's OK to walk away. Anyone else would have by now. You haven't had a marriage in 4 years already, and you have already made these very same proclamations in the past. I believe 2 years ago, you said (paraphrase) "If I find out that she's cheating again, I'm gone". Well...you just found out that she was STILL carrying on the EA (most likely PA) behind your back. Actually, right under your nose in plain site. You're incapable of holding your wife to legitimate standards critical to a marriage. I doubt you will start doing it now.


She believes in marriage and is trying to make it work... much harder now since the OM confirmation I found ..she is free to leave anytime..that IS choosing me and marriage..she knows it will be all gone if she doesn't. We are at the end of our sexless part of marriage NEVER TO RETURN!!!!...or I will divorce her for not dealing with her resentment from 4 years ago. We had a solid talk about the specifics last night and was great after between us.

WE have the solid basis for recovery and the OM eliminated (key step)..odds are great we fix this and she falls back into love with me and has lots of sex with me for life and insulated for any affairs via communication and transparency

Again I turned a horrible situation into a guaranteed positive life she would be nuts not to make it work in the past two days I fully believe *she herself* guaranteed success for us. In essence the lightbulb went off and reality struck her in the face.

One of my flashbulb change moments occured at confronting her on her texts to him.


----------



## BostonBruins32

Trying2figureitout said:


> She believes in marriage and is trying to make it work ..she is free to leave anytime..that IS choosing me and marrige..she knows it will be all gone if she doesn't.
> 
> WE have the solid basis for recovery and the OM eliminated..odds are great we fix this and she falls back into love with me ans has lots of sex with me


T2 she is choosing you for now. I agree. 

I think the greater issue is the why. I'd imagine most people would say they do not want thier wives to choose them because "being a middle aged divorcee is hard". Thats a bad reason. She said it, not me. I think thats why you're getting pushback here.

Personally, that is an inner struggle that I have as well. My wife marrying me, staying with me, etc for what I would consider the wrong reasons.


----------



## davecarter

Trying2figureitout said:


> WE have the solid basis for recovery and the OM eliminated (key step)..odds are great we fix this and she falls back into love with me and has lots of sex with me for life and insulated for any affairs


There needs to be a 'man', a c0ck and two balls involved for this to happen. :nono:


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> It did not go physical
> 
> Yes she disconnected (I turned off emotions for you) and she sought/found an EA with her gym partner and found a man she loves they would text about their days and she found his lifestyle interesting..he's an a hole
> 
> She is a very busy lady
> 
> I don't think she is staying for convenience I do believe she like me believes in marriage for life she even stated that to me.
> 
> She just need to get us from worse to better finally. She has a few months to do so...and she ended the OM relationship two days ago via text and promised never to cross that boundary again.
> 
> What is so hard to believe?


Because we have seen these lies before, over and over till it makes you sick. They never turn off an ea over night. They never have an ea for any length of time when living within driving distance that doesn't go physical.

Shaved her pubes for practice:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

She picked him because he's manly. He or no one else but you would stay in a sexless love affair.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

BostonBruins32 said:


> T2 she is choosing you for now. I agree.
> 
> I think the greater issue is the why. I'd imagine most people would say they do not want thier wives to choose them because "being a middle aged divorcee is hard". Thats a bad reason. She said it, not me. I think thats why you're getting pushback here.
> 
> Personally, that is an inner struggle that I have as well. My wife marrying me, staying with me, etc for what I would consider the wrong reasons.


She all along knew she would choose me..it was her holding a grudge and seeking support elsewhere and crossed the EA boundary and fell in love with another man. It is what it is he's GONE!

Remember she wrote off our neighbors, her best friend from HS and her own sister i will be the only one to turn this around after getting on her bad side.

She would leave me at a drop of a hat if she thought there was no chance..that IS absolutely choosing me and knowing she CAN fall back in love with ME...dshe would be fine out there attracting a new mate she is awesome...but she KNOWS I am GREAT for her.

I have no problem with that at all as long as I get the sexlife I want and need with her fully into it so I don't have to masturbate ever again.. WIN freaking WIN


----------



## rigcol

Trying2figureitout said:


> Shes an interesting person... this is like the twilight zone for me two I'm like What?


Well, there is one thing I will agree with T2 about ... This is like The Twilight Zone.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> Because we have seen these lies before, over and over till it makes you sick. They never turn off an ea over night. They never have an ea for any length of time when living within driving distance that doesn't go physical.
> 
> Shaved her pubes for practice:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> She picked because he's manly. He or no one else but you would stay in a sexless love affair.


It happened in my life partially because of the legwork I did over four years..made the cancelling of the OM a no brainer for her she knew she was wrong as can be. That was me exerting leadership in our marriage she folded like a tent this week after I discovered her texts to him

That was not real love..it was fantasy love she kicked him to the curb when given a choice within a half hour....she also fought me tooth and nail at two separate points before to keep him (year and a half ago and I detected the relationship at about 2.7 years ago or three months after it started both timed told her to end it she REFUSED)..back then I did not have enough leverage yet to extract him. I did have the leverage this week.

Again my situation is totally different from the usual one, because of ME having the strict process I followed.


----------



## LongWalk

Trying,

If the way you argue here in forum is the way that you engage your wife, then you can be certain that she will be just as skeptical as we are. There is one important difference, we can tell it to you like it is and not become middle-aged divorced women... well, maybe there are middle-aged women reading your thread, but I doubt their advice will be different.

You must change your wife's attraction for you. That is chemistry. If the reaction hasn't been happening, why will it start now? You say removing OM will cause a love reaction. Why?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

rigcol said:


> Well, there is one thing I will agree with T2 about ... This is like The Twilight Zone.


Seriously last night after we talked I came downstairs and could not believe my life..but hey it worked.

Grudge holder to the max!


----------



## Trying2figureitout

LongWalk said:


> Trying,
> 
> If the way you argue here in forum is the way that you engage your wife, then you can be certain that she will be just as skeptical as we are. There is one important difference, we can tell it to you like it is and not become middle-aged divorced women... well, maybe there are middle-aged women reading your thread, but I doubt their advice will be different.
> 
> You must change your wife's attraction for you. That is chemistry. If the reaction hasn't been happening, why will it start now? You say removing OM will cause a love reaction. Why?


Because her and I get along great and are husband and wife and two teenagers, we have had a fantastic 2014 and her mind WAS divided she could not have sex with me because she was loyal to him and he was on her mind constantly...now that he is GONE she will refocus on our fantastic life and find a way to enjoy sex so she can have her fantastic marriage..its a no brainer on her part. She will connect with me fully she has to at this point. The only other option is divorce and she will NOT go there.


----------



## KVR

Trying2figureitout said:


> She listened intently ..I told her I want a NORMAL marriage not one where you are basically *torturing me*. I said you have several months to deal with your resentment +( I recommended IC) and get us back to a* sexual marriage* or I am gone this is nuts. Next talk will be about splitting.


So, when do you plan to have your "next talk"? 2018?


----------



## Maricha75

Chaparral said:


> Because we have seen these lies before, over and over till it makes you sick. They never turn off an ea over night. They never have an ea for any length of time when living within driving distance that doesn't go physical.
> 
> Shaved her pubes for practice:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> She picked because he's manly. He or no one else but you would stay in a sexless love affair.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

First, I'm going to apologize to the rest of the BS here, but it seems I am the only fWW regularly posting... and T2 DID specifically PM me for advice on what to do next (though he's not even listening to everyone)...

This is true, Chaparral. My EAs took WAY longer than a few hours to get past. Mine lasted no more than 9 months. T2's wife's affair has been going on for YEARS. That doesn't switch overnight. Oh, sure, she's SAYING all the right things to keep T2 snowed, but she's lying. Yes, T2, it is a fantasy. But it is a LONG LASTING fantasy... and that kind of thing doesn't magically disappear overnight... no matter how much she tries to claim it does.

And, I also agree that living within driving distance and seeing each other regularly...again, T2, she is LYING. There was sex involved. I guarantee it. There is NO WAY there is "love" built up over 3 YEARS and close proximity and they never had sex. She's LYING to you, T2. And that's why I am glad my EAs were 1000s of miles away, and no chance to ever meet... because even *I* know that if they had been local, my marriage would have been over. Think about that, T2... a fWW is TELLING you that she knows how that feels... and mine were significantly less time involved... AND the distance was MUCH greater. 

Again, to the other BS (and I am one as well as a WW), I am sorry for pouring salt into the still open wounds, but someone had to say SOMETHING to him....not that I expect his head to get out of the sand. But, T2, she's playing you. That is painfully obvious.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> First, I'm going to apologize to the rest of the BS here, but it seems I am the only fWW regularly posting... and T2 DID specifically PM me for advice on what to do next (though he's not even listening to everyone)...
> 
> This is true, Chaparral. My EAs took WAY longer than a few hours to get past. Mine lasted no more than 9 months. T2's wife's affair has been going on for YEARS. That doesn't switch overnight. Oh, sure, she's SAYING all the right things to keep T2 snowed, but she's lying. Yes, T2, it is a fantasy. But it is a LONG LASTING fantasy... and that kind of thing doesn't magically disappear overnight... no matter how much she tries to claim it does.
> 
> And, I also agree that living within driving distance and seeing each other regularly...again, T2, she is LYING. There was sex involved. I guarantee it. There is NO WAY there is "love" built up over 3 YEARS and close proximity and they never had sex. She's LYING to you, T2. And that's why I am glad my EAs were 1000s of miles away, and no chance to ever meet... because even *I* know that if they had been local, my marriage would have been over. Think about that, T2... a fWW is TELLING you that she knows how that feels... and mine were significantly less time involved... AND the distance was MUCH greater.
> 
> Again, to the other BS (and I am one as well as a WW), I am sorry for pouring salt into the still open wounds, but someone had to say SOMETHING to him....not that I expect his head to get out of the sand. But, T2, she's playing you. That is painfully obvious.



I disagree. She never was that in to sex so for her it was the emotional jollies. Shes fun and entertaining that might be why the OM put up with her without sex or he was hoping she would leave me.

You meet her you would think she is an awesome person she has tons of real friends because she is a great person...with severe flaws I have to live with.


----------



## GutPunch

Dude....She is lying. Polygraph her.

If she refuses to take it there is your answer. 

Your talk with her means nothing. She is a confirmed liar.


----------



## Maricha75

LongWalk said:


> Trying,
> 
> If the way you argue here in forum is the way that you engage your wife, then you can be certain that she will be just as skeptical as we are. There is one important difference, we can tell it to you like it is and not become middle-aged divorced women... *well, maybe there are middle-aged women reading your thread, but I doubt their advice will be different.*
> 
> You must change your wife's attraction for you. That is chemistry. If the reaction hasn't been happening, why will it start now? You say removing OM will cause a love reaction. Why?


38 is close, right? 
And I agree with everyone else holding the 2X4s


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> She believes in marriage and is trying to make it work... much harder now since the OM confirmation I found ..she is free to leave anytime..that IS choosing me and marriage..she knows it will be all gone if she doesn't. We are at the end of our sexless part of marriage NEVER TO RETURN!!!!...or I will divorce her for not dealing with her resentment from 4 years ago. We had a solid talk about the specifics last night and was great after between us.
> 
> WE have the solid basis for recovery and the OM eliminated (key step)..odds are great we fix this and she falls back into love with me and has lots of sex with me for life and insulated for any affairs via communication and transparency
> 
> Again I turned a horrible situation into a guaranteed positive life she would be nuts not to make it work in the past two days I fully believe *she herself* guaranteed success for us. In essence the lightbulb went off and reality struck her in the face.
> 
> One of my flashbulb change moments occured at confronting her on her texts to him.


She has been successfully lying to you for years, explain the process you went through to learn how to now know she is telling you the truth......


----------



## Chaparral

According to you you sex life has gotten worse since her admited love affair..............hmmmmmmm.

How many texts per month for the last year, tr nding up or down?


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I disagree. She never was that in to sex so for her it was the emotional jollies. Shes fun and entertaining that might be why the OM put up with her without sex or he was hoping she would leave me.
> 
> You meet her you would think she is an awesome person she has tons of real friends because she is a great person...with severe flaws I have to live with.


I had a friend like that.
She cheated on her husband.
The boyfriend bought her a cell phone so her husband wouldn't know she was texting him.
She was also having sex with him.
How do I know all of this?
I was her cover. She painted her husband as a monster... and I was involved in my own EA at the time. 

She will use a burner phone and/or new email address. This is far from over. This much I can say with confidence.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Trying2figureitout said:


> Because her and I get along great and are husband and wife and two teenagers, we have had a fantastic 2014 and her mind WAS divided *she could not have sex with me because she was loyal to him *and he was on her mind constantly...now that he is GONE she will refocus on our fantastic life and find a way to enjoy sex so she can have her fantastic marriage..its a no brainer on her part. She will connect with me fully she has to at this point. The only other option is divorce and she will NOT go there.


Again read what you just wrote: "She couldn't have sex with me because she was loyal to HIM". Compare that to (paraphrase) "I don't want to leave this marriage because I would become a middle aged divorced woman". All I see is rationalization from you and her.


----------



## GutPunch

OP

Why are you here? It is clearly not for our advice.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

trying2figureitout said:


> it happened in my life partially because of the legwork i did over four years..made the cancelling of the om a no brainer for her she knew she was wrong as can be. That was me exerting leadership in our marriage she folded like a tent this week after i discovered her texts to him
> 
> that was not real love..it was fantasy love she kicked him to the curb when given a choice within a half hour....she also fought me tooth and nail at two separate points before to keep him (year and a half ago and i detected the relationship at about 2.7 years ago or three months after it started both timed told her to end it she refused)..back then i did not have enough leverage yet to extract him. I did have the leverage this week.
> 
> Again my situation is totally different from the usual one, because of me having the strict process i followed.


hubris


----------



## Chaparral

Trying2figureitout said:


> I disagree. She never was that in to sex so for her it was the emotional jollies. Shes fun and entertaining that might be why the OM put up with her without sex or he was hoping she would leave me.
> 
> You meet her you would think she is an awesome person she has tons of real friends because she is a great person...with severe flaws I have to live with.


If you really believed this you would follow the golden rule of reconcilliation,"trust but verify" . The reason you are unwilling to verify is that in your heart you know your marriage is a fantasy. You know you can't tell when your wife is lying. Cheaters prove over and over they can lie through their teeth.

Admit you would not leave her if they had sex and verify everything.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

GutPunch said:


> Dude....She is lying. Polygraph her.
> 
> If she refuses to take it there is your answer.
> 
> Your talk with her means nothing. She is a confirmed liar.


No need I WIIL divorce her if our marriage does not become a sexual one in very short order. She will not have time or the ability to be faithful to an OM if she is having regular sex with me she is a faithful woman in terms of sex. Emotions not so much...but that's a boundary not to be crossed ever again.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Chaparral said:


> She has been successfully lying to you for years, explain the process you went through to learn how to now know she is telling you the truth......


She really hasn't lied much at all... throughout this process actually she is very forthcoming with info now no so much right after ILYNILWY

I mean she straight out corrected me that is was SHE sending the I love you texts to him she fessed up her involvement with him.


----------



## syhoybenden

Trying2figureitout said:


> Because her and I get along great and are husband and wife and two teenagers, we have had a fantastic 2014 and her mind WAS divided she could not have sex with me because she was loyal to him and he was on her mind constantly...now that he is GONE she will refocus on our fantastic life and find a way to enjoy sex so she can have her fantastic marriage..its a no brainer on her part. She will connect with me fully she has to at this point. The only other option is divorce and she will NOT go there.


:lol:

Yes and at the same time winged monkeys will come flying out of your as s.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> I had a friend like that.
> She cheated on her husband.
> The boyfriend bought her a cell phone so her husband wouldn't know she was texting him.
> She was also having sex with him.
> How do I know all of this?
> I was her cover. She painted her husband as a monster... and I was involved in my own EA at the time.
> 
> She will use a burner phone and/or new email address. This is far from over. This much I can say with confidence.


Difference is I am not a monster I am her best option.

Lets just assume she is like me and faithful to her vow for a moment there are people like that..sure she broke a vow falling in love with an EA partner but sex is a boundary for her and the vow to me in marriage prevented her form going there. That would have crossed her own moral boundary.

She interpreted the wedding vows loosely...with the EA and the grudge holding and torturing


----------



## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> No need I WIIL divorce her if our marriage does not become a sexual one in very short order. She will not have time or the ability to be faithful to an OM if she is having regular sex with me she is a faithful woman in terms of sex. Emotions not so much...but that's a boundary not to be crossed ever again.


Makes sense.

"If you can screw him, then you can screw me...." 

Now a short order, is like less than a month to full resumation of sexual activity. I'd have her tested first.

She won't want to do it, because her ego won't think it has to, and because her body is currently his.

If you can accept when she is stringing you along after this and keeping you and your needs compartementalized, then it will be time to divorce and living the happy life of a man who is not ball and chained into a bad situation, who is in control of his own destiny.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

syhoybenden said:


> :lol:
> 
> Yes and at the same time winged monkeys will come flying out of your as s.


No they won't


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> She really hasn't lied much at all... throughout this process actually she is very forthcoming with info now no so much right after ILYNILWY
> 
> I mean she straight out corrected me that is was SHE sending the I love you texts to him she fessed up her involvement with him.


:scratchhead:

We're "just friends....
I'm too tired to have sex (but not too tired to take an energy shot and go clubbing with my friends)
I need to go to the gym to work out (with the boyfriend... yep, she got a REAL GOOD workout there!)...ok, maybe that wasn't a lie. She was, after all, working out.
I don't have time to have an affair... 
Everyone carries spare thongs in their purses )FYI, no we don't. I don't carry extra clothing of ANY kind with me at all times)...
I was just practicing shaving my pubes (no one practices unless they intend to be touched/checked out. THat's a FACT. And if you weren't reaping the benefits, then I can promise you the boyfriend HAS BEEN.


Nope... not many lies at all....


----------



## GutPunch

Trying2figureitout said:


> No need I WIIL divorce her if our marriage does not become a sexual one in very short order. She will not have time or the ability to be faithful to an OM if she is having regular sex with me she is a faithful woman in terms of sex. Emotions not so much...but that's a boundary not to be crossed ever again.


Ugh!....She has been banging this guy for three years. Polygraph her. Hell she may see you differently once you get tough. Once she realizes you are serious she may have a change of heart and try to lure you back with sex. You are being very weak and weak is unattractive. 

Healthy people do not tolerate what you have been putting up with for four years. Why can't you just kick her to the curb? Do it now! Why on earth do you even need a plan?

The plan is that she needs her a$$ kicked to the curb. Simple isn't it.


----------



## warlock07

> No need I WIIL divorce her if our marriage does not become a sexual one* in very short order*.*
> 
> * _*Terms and conditions apply. Short order can span over a few years to decades.*_


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> Makes sense.
> 
> "If you can screw him, then you can screw me...."
> 
> Now a short order, is like less than a month to full resumation of sexual activity. I'd have her tested first.
> 
> She won't want to do it, because her ego won't think it has to, and because her body is currently his.
> 
> If you can accept when she is stringing you along after this and keeping you and your needs compartementalized, then it will be time to divorce and living the happy life of a man who is not ball and chained into a bad situation, who is in control of his own destiny.


I trust her no need for an STD check and she wouldn't purposely infect me..she did not do anything apart from maybe a hug with the OM


----------



## Trying2figureitout

GutPunch said:


> Ugh!....She has been banging this guy for three years. Polygraph her. Hell she may see you differently once you get tough. Once she realizes you are serious she may have a change of heart and try to lure you back with sex. You are being very weak and weak is unattractive.
> 
> Healthy people do not tolerate what you have been putting up with for four years. Why can't you just kick her to the curb? Do it now! Why on earth do you even need a plan?
> 
> The plan is that she needs her a$$ kicked to the curb. Simple isn't it.


No PA..she is not the typical cheating woman


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Difference is I am not a monster I am her best option.
> 
> Lets just assume she is like me and faithful to her vow for a moment there are people like that..sure she broke a vow falling in love with an EA partner but sex is a boundary for her and the vow to me in marriage prevented her form going there. That would have crossed her own moral boundary.
> 
> She interpreted the wedding vows loosely...with the EA and the grudge holding and torturing


OMG!!! Seriously, T2! Her ex-husband is NOT a monster! He's a decent man. My ex-friend was the monster! SHE'S the one who was having sex with someone else.

As for assuming she is like you... she's not. She has been having sex with the OM this whole time. You just want to bury your head in the sand.


----------



## syhoybenden

Trying2figureitout said:


> I trust her no need for an STD check and she wouldn't purposely infect me..she did not do anything apart from maybe a hug with the OM


:rofl:


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> She really hasn't lied much at all... throughout this process actually she is very forthcoming with info now no so much right after ILYNILWY
> 
> *I mean she straight out corrected me that is was SHE sending the I love you texts to him she fessed up her involvement with him*.


You seriously want us to believe that a "tech savvy" guy like yourself cannot see the difference between "incoming" and "outgoing" texts in a conversation? Wow... no wonder she's been able to pull off this affair for 4 years...oh, excuse me, 3 years. That one year makes all the difference when screwing someone other than your spouse.....


----------



## GutPunch

Trying2figureitout said:


> No PA..she is not the typical cheating woman


R U kidding me? Does one person on this thread believe that besides you. 

Make her take the poly to prove it then. It's the least she could do for four years of this BS.

Man up!


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> We're "just friends....
> I'm too tired to have sex (but not too tired to take an energy shot and go clubbing with my friends)
> I need to go to the gym to work out (with the boyfriend... yep, she got a REAL GOOD workout there!)...ok, maybe that wasn't a lie. She was, after all, working out.
> I don't have time to have an affair...
> Everyone carries spare thongs in their purses )FYI, no we don't. I don't carry extra clothing of ANY kind with me at all times)...
> I was just practicing shaving my pubes (no one practices unless they intend to be touched/checked out. THat's a FACT. And if you weren't reaping the benefits, then I can promise you the boyfriend HAS BEEN.
> 
> 
> Nope... not many lies at all....


She possibly was friends back then and it went further
She used to fall asleep at her own slumber parties and wakes up at 4am and does a 1.5 hour gym workout..trust me she is tired at night.
She is GO GO GO busy all day.
Pubes again that could easily be improving her own stock after ILYNILWY just in case it didn't work out then


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> No PA..*she is not the typical cheating woman*


I'm... ummm... wow.... *smdh*


----------



## treyvion

GutPunch said:


> Ugh!....She has been banging this guy for three years. Polygraph her. Hell she may see you differently once you get tough. Once she realizes you are serious she may have a change of heart and try to lure you back with sex. You are being very weak and weak is unattractive.
> 
> Healthy people do not tolerate what you have been putting up with for four years. Why can't you just kick her to the curb? Do it now! Why on earth do you even need a plan?
> 
> The plan is that she needs her a$$ kicked to the curb. Simple isn't it.


She needs a$$ kicked to the curb so you can get your dignity and self respect back. When you are looking at an injustice daily as a main proponent of your life, it takes you down.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> OMG!!! Seriously, T2! Her ex-husband is NOT a monster! He's a decent man. My ex-friend was the monster! SHE'S the one who was having sex with someone else.
> 
> As for assuming she is like you... she's not. She has been having sex with the OM this whole time. You just want to bury your head in the sand.


I was convinced of a PA..now I believe 100% it was an EA after listening to her explain last night and her actions.


----------



## anchorwatch

Here's a novel idea, why don't you both try professional marriage counseling? Would following someone who uses tried and tested professional ideas and plans be too far of a concept? Or are you afraid you might have to let go of the wheel?


----------



## Trying2figureitout

treyvion said:


> She needs a$$ kicked to the curb so you can get your dignity and self respect back. When you are looking at an injustice daily as a main proponent of your life, it takes you down.


If it doesn't work I will..this is the endgame folks.


----------



## warlock07

This thread is a beacon of hope. An esteem builder.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> *does a 1.5 hour gym workout..trust me she is tired at night.*
> She is GO GO GO busy all day.
> Pubes again that could easily be improving her own stock after ILYNILWY just in case it didn't work out then


Oh, I'm quite certain she's tired and on the go all day.... I think I would be tired too, if I were doing what she has been doing with her gym boyfriend.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

anchorwatch said:


> Here's a novel idea, why don't you both try professional marriage counseling? Would following someone who uses tried and tested professional ideas and plans be too far a concept? Or are you afraid to let go of the wheel?


My process was beter tah counseling and in a way I counseled her over four years...she refuses real counseling. So i had to provide it.


----------



## weightlifter

Google the club she goes to and the night then go to their site.
About 10% chance the Brazilian thing will make sense then tho not all clubs advertise that little fact.

OP you dont mind if the wife goes out and dances with other men?


----------



## treyvion

Trying2figureitout said:


> I was convinced of a PA..now I believe 100% it was an EA after listening to her explain last night and her actions.


Dawg,

I almost wouldn't believe a word she says. She's been so used to decieving you, it doesn't quit overnight.

She's going to make it make sense to you and minimize her transgression, smoothing you over and putting you back to sleep.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

anchorwatch said:


> Here's a novel idea, why don't you both try professional marriage counseling? Would following someone who uses tried and tested professional ideas and plans be too far a concept? Or are you afraid to let go of the wheel?


My process was better than counseling and in a way I counseled her over four years...she refuses real counseling. So i had to provide it.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

weightlifter said:


> Google the club she goes to and the night then go to their site.
> About 10% chance the Brazilian thing will make sense then tho not all clubs advertise that little fact.
> 
> OP you dont mind if the wife goes out and dances with other men?


She has only been going out with me at night the past year or so.... I do not mind if she dances with men or women as long as its no contact dancing.


----------



## GutPunch

Trying2figureitout said:


> My process was beter tah counseling and in a way I counseled her over four years...she refuses real counseling. So i had to provide it.


OK....that's it. I'm out. I can't take it anymore. This can't be real.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Trying2figureitout said:


> She possibly was friends back then and it went further
> She used to fall asleep at her own slumber parties and wakes up at 4am and does a 1.5 hour gym workout..trust me she is tired at night.
> She is GO GO GO busy all day.
> *Pubes again that could easily be improving her own stock after ILYNILWY just in case it didn't work out then*


Is she still shaving herself and carrying sexy underwear around with her regularly? If not, when did she stop doing these practices? If she isn't carrying the sexy undies around, and since you see her naked regularly, is she wearing sexy undies to work when she gets dressed?


----------



## anchorwatch

Trying2figureitout said:


> My process was better than counseling and in a way I counseled her over four years...she refuses real counseling. So i had to provide it.


Do I take that as a 'refusal to counseling' from both of you, even under the new circumstances?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Trying2figureitout said:


> My process was better than counseling and in a way I counseled her over four years...she refuses real counseling. So i had to provide it.


HUBRIS. Misplaced arrogance plus the "I'm always correct" attitude is highly unattractive. I think the picture regarding your marriage is coming into much better focus.


----------



## warlock07

OP is retarded. It is not an insult. He needs help


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Is she still shaving herself and carrying sexy underwear around with her regularly? If not, when did she stop doing these practices? If she isn't carrying the sexy undies around, and since you see her naked regularly, is she wearing sexy undies to work when she gets dressed?


Yes on pubes but sporadic sometimes she grows some muff she no longer changes clothes at the gym she comes home sweaty.


----------



## davecarter

THE PLAN
_June 13, 201_3:












No more clues.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

anchorwatch said:


> Do I take that as a 'refusal to counseling' from both of you, even under the new circumstances?


I think she may need IC I am ok.... i doubt she will go but she may have to to get over resentment and avoid divorce.

In reality I think now that OM is gone she will process the healing in time for a sex life with me and continued marriage.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

davecarter said:


> THE PLAN
> _June 13, 201_3:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> No more clues.


I stopped the plan in December..rest is free form now.


----------



## ShootMePlz!

I can't see a male spending 3-4 yrs buttering up a female(who he knows and has been told that she is in love with) and not get sex of some sort as the reward! Husbands yeah but OM no!! 

Why would he waste his time like that?? :scratchhead:
That's the problem!! I would at least throw into the discussion the possibility of a polygraph just to get her reaction! Your probably not going to do it but I suggest it.


----------



## thebadguy

Can someone close this thread? The amount of truth in it by the OP has to be about 10% and that 10% is comprised entirely of the things that make it clear he desperately needs counseling from a real counselor and that he completely refuses it. Maybe that isn't real either.


----------



## Hoosier

I agree,close the thread, a guy cant be this bad.... can he?

I hate to use the "t" word, don't want to be banned, but have to think that is what is going on here. No one in their right mind would brag about how they have been fixing their wife for four years (and not getting any sex) how things are just like how they want them.

As for her coming home sweaty, if you are real, that's because she is doing the dirty after working out and leaving the gym. Do yourself a favor, grab her sweaty clothes and run a semen test on them. Oh, yeah that's right, you don't really want to know....do you?


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I think she may need IC *I am ok*.... i doubt she will go but she may have to to get over resentment and avoid divorce.
> 
> In reality I think now that* OM is gone* *she will process the healing* in time for a sex life with me and continued marriage.


1. No you're not.
2. No he's not.
3. No she won't.

Nothing has changed... Wait, yes, something has changed.... she will hide the affair better. That is all.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Maricha75 said:


> 1. No you're not.
> 2. No he's not.
> 3. No she won't.
> 
> Nothing has changed... Wait, yes, something has changed.... she will hide the affair better. That is all.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Racer

You keep stating that you are the ‘best option’. Why?
Just look at the facts; You don’t have any respect here or at home. 

Maybe you don’t understand that respect has a lot to do with attraction. You have turned yourself into a marshmallow. 

So, flip it around in your head. If you told her you loved her, does that mean she will jump your bones and screw you silly for the next few months? Do you expect that reaction out of her? No. But it is exactly what you do. She says a few words, doesn’t even have to mean them, and you throw yourself at her and really work hard with a silly grin on your face happy as a clam. She’s learned that is your reaction. And she uses it. She doesn’t even lift a finger or have to do anything or meet any of your needs. Why isn’t it the same rulebook?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Trying2figureitout said:


> Yes on pubes but sporadic sometimes she grows some muff she no longer changes clothes at the gym she comes home sweaty.


Then she's shaving it for the OM. Think logically about this. Typically, when a woman isn't getting any action, she'll keep the pubes completely, and perhaps some cursory trimming of the bikini line for swimsuits or necessary maintenance if she grows a lot of hair down there. IF she came to LIKE the feeling of being bald down there, but no action, she'd keep it bald all the time. The fact that she's occasionally shaving it all, sometimes keeping just a landing strip or something on top (my interpretation of "grows some muff"), then she's doing it to change things up to keep a sexual relationship more spicy. Since she's clinically sexless with you, then it's obviously for someone else.


----------



## just got it 55

Trying2figureitout said:


> I believe my wife no matter how much I think I know she is telling me the truth.
> 
> What do you think it is I'm curious.


Quintessential Cake Eating

State of the Art in my opinion

She could write the Textbook on it

Sorry Bud thats how I see it

55


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Then she's shaving it for the OM. Think logically about this. Typically, when a woman isn't getting any action, she'll keep the pubes completely, and perhaps some cursory trimming of the bikini line for swimsuits or necessary maintenance if she grows a lot of hair down there. IF she came to LIKE the feeling of being bald down there, but no action, she'd keep it bald all the time. The fact that she's occasionally shaving it all, sometimes keeping just a landing strip or something on top (my interpretation of "grows some muff"), then she's doing it to change things up to keep a sexual relationship more spicy. Since she's clinically sexless with you, then it's obviously for someone else.


Here is the problem with that theory..she started shaving prior to ILYNILWY and then met him a year later


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Trying2figureitout said:


> Here is the problem with that theory..she started shaving prior to ILYNILWY and then met him a year later



It's hard to keep your storyline straight for so long isn't it? But I admit you're pretty good at it.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

ShootMePlz! said:


> I can't see a male spending 3-4 yrs buttering up a female(who he knows and has been told that she is in love with) and not get sex of some sort as the reward! Husbands yeah but OM no!!
> 
> Why would he waste his time like that?? :scratchhead:
> That's the problem!! I would at least throw into the discussion the possibility of a polygraph just to get her reaction! Your probably not going to do it but I suggest it.


No I will divorce her if needed. I don't think they had sex.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

WorkingOnMe said:


> It's hard to keep your storyline straight for so long isn't it? But I admit you're pretty good at it.


Not hard when its my life what is impossible is keeping a lie straight for this long..do you really think I would concoct a story like this that was not true?

No one would do that for that long plus i have a trusted TAM member (not of this thread) that reached out to me three years ago that supports me on email as my counselor of sorts she knows its all true and her and I have talked for hours about it at various points. I just emailed her today and talked to her months ago via phone for an hour.

She buys my method and thinks it may work.

just for a moment assume its all true. It is.

Only reason I am here is to share my life at key stages as i work though ILYNILWY and save an better my marriage or divorce my wife.

I fully admit it seems surreal and atypical. But when you boil it down its a classic EA and midlife thing.

My story can help others. My methods can help others. Its never been done before this way.
There were no good solutions prior I had to invent my own. This is my life and my wife deserves my best shot at winning her back.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Only reason I am here is to share my life at key stages as i work though ILYNILWY and save an better my marriage or divorce my wife.
> 
> I fully admit it seems surreal and atypical. But when you boil it down its a classic EA and midlife thing.
> 
> My story can help others. My methods can help others. Its never been done before this way.


1. No, you came here asking for advice... and refuse to take it.

2. Not surreal at all... to those of us who have lived it in one way or another. No, her behavior is NOT "classic EA and midlife thing"... her behavior is classic PHYSICAL AFFAIR with blameshifting and gaslighting once caught.

3. Yes, it can help others... help them see how NOT to act/react when they discover affairs. See, others HAVE done what you claim to have done... and guess what? Those methods FAILED... as has YOURS. Now you are scrambling to save face. What's the point? We know better.

Still, I'd like to know how you CANNOT tell the difference between INCOMING and OUTGOING messages. Nope... she's snowed you really well.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> 1. No, you came here asking for advice... and refuse to take it.
> 
> 2. Not surreal at all... to those of us who have lived it in one way or another. No, her behavior is NOT "classic EA and midlife thing"... her behavior is classic PHYSICAL AFFAIR with blameshifting and gaslighting once caught.
> 
> 3. Yes, it can help others... help them see how NOT to act/react when they discover affairs.
> 
> Still, I'd like to know how you CANNOT tell the difference between INCOMING and OUTGOING messages. Nope... she's snowed you really well.


I only had minutes to check her phone and my hands were shaking. I assumed wrongly it was him I didn't put 2 and 2 together it was her initiating the convo that morning with the two.



I LOVE YOU First Last
I LOVE YOU First Last
Morning Kisses??????

he responded asking about her leg...That has been recovering from vein issues.

She said its ok hurts a bit

This was all done prior to her shower.

She claims he never said or texted I LOVE YOU back to her ever. He has a long term girlfriend as I recall living with him according to my wife and she knows about my wife texting him.

i'm sure she is just as trusting as me...probably would drop OM if she knew.

As my wife said you can believe me or not your choice. I am telling the truth to you all of TAM


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> I don't think they had sex.


They did


----------



## Headspin

Taking my kids off to the zoo this weekend 

.....We'll be doing lots of feeding


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> They did


That is your theory. I don't believe my wife crossed that boundary, other ones yes like texting I LOVE YOU and falling "in love" with another man yes but not that one...

She is not you or others she is her.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Maricha75 said:


> 1. No, you came here asking for advice... and refuse to take it.
> 
> 2. Not surreal at all... to those of us who have lived it in one way or another. No, her behavior is NOT "classic EA and midlife thing"... her behavior is classic PHYSICAL AFFAIR with blameshifting and gaslighting once caught.
> 
> 3. Yes, it can help others... help them see how NOT to act/react when they discover affairs. See, others HAVE done what you claim to have done... and guess what? Those methods FAILED... as has YOURS. Now you are scrambling to save face. What's the point? We know better.
> 
> Still, I'd like to know how you CANNOT tell the difference between INCOMING and OUTGOING messages. Nope... she's snowed you really well.


:iagree: Bravo!


----------



## Acabado

Trying2figureitout said:


> Here is the problem with that theory..she started shaving prior to ILYNILWY and then met him a year later


Then she had a previous OM, at least in mind.
Occam's razor. 
I know you won't apply any kind of logic here as reality is too scary. Any explanation has to fit your previous gullible beliefs and narrative.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Acabado said:


> Then she had a previous OM, at least in mind.
> Occam's razor.
> I know you won't apply any kind of logic here as reality is too scary. Any explanation has to fit your previous gullible beliefs and narrative.


Whatever I am confident in her character,


----------



## bigbearsfan

Acabado said:


> Then she had a previous OM, at least in mind.
> Occam's razor.
> I know you won't apply any kind of logic here as reality is too scary. Any explanation has to fit your previous gullible beliefs and narrative.


I just read that too and thought the same damn thing. I'm wondering if the rabbit hole is deeper than we think.


----------



## bigbearsfan

Trying2figureitout said:


> Whatever I am confident in her character,


And I am confident I will take you up on your bet that your plan is not going to work and with in a few weeks you will be on here not getting any and being all smug that your plan will be working any time now.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Whatever I am confident in her character,


You have stated this before... while she has been cheating. I'd say that makes you a bad judge of her character. :scratchhead:


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> You have stated this before... while she has been cheating. I'd say that makes you a bad judge of her character. :scratchhead:


I can accept the cheating...I don't like it but I understand how she got involved in it. It basically delayed her and I reconnecting and put me through the ringer. I am no saint either so I chalk it up as even at this point.

I had a BJ while married about ten years ago one night from a girl I lived with in college and had sex (once) with prior to being marraied and fooled around with in the hotub under my roommates nose.My roomates girlfriend at her house she was then married to my old roomate her and I almost had sex and tried but I couldn't so it was just a BJ to completion. Sort of friend with benefit stuff.

I felt bad after I sobered up and never did anything again like that.

I see this as payback..karma in a way. Since that night I cheated.


----------



## Dollystanford

'..................................................................'


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> That is your theory. I don't believe my wife crossed that boundary, other ones yes like texting I LOVE YOU and falling "in love" with another man yes but not that one...
> *
> She is not you or others she is her.*


You're right... she is not me. And I am no one but myself. And yet, each and every one of us who have cheated in SOME way, have followed the SAME cheaters' script. YOU asked ME for advice, T2, because YOU finally took MY advice and checked her phone. NOW, you are trying to play "damage control" to save face. Every single person who has cheated, or has been betrayed is saying the exact same thing to you.... she had sex with him... more than once. You can bury your head all you wish... but it doesn't change that fact. Four years of constant contact, regularly seeing each other... she's "in love with him"... they had sex.


----------



## john117

T2, I'm not going to echo what others said. But I will reiterate the V-word. Not THAT V-word, rather, vengeance.

You will only be sure of her feelings for you when you take your revenge on her, expose the whole thing to everyone, sell the house, sue for full custody, and separate.

If she still comes back then you can reconcile. Revenge gives you clarity as it is a lower level emotion than love and not as easy to placate.


----------



## jorgegene

PBear said:


> Missed that. Makes it that much better. One might question why his guard was down after the 600-1200 texts per months... I think personally, I might be keeping an eye on the phone bill after something like that...
> 
> C


How can people text each other 40-50 times a day?
What the heck do they say to each other? I many times can you say "you're hot, i want you?'.
How do they get any work done?

When I was monitoring my wayward spouse a few years ago (i had 
sprint mobile controls) one dude was texting her like 35-50 times a day, sometimes like a machine gun, 10-15 in 1/2 hour. What the &*^%$????!!!!

Never knew what they were saying. I think it's downright pathological. Scary, creepy!


----------



## bigbearsfan

Trying2figureitout said:


> I can accept the cheating...I don't like it but I understand how she got involved in it. It basically delayed her and I reconnecting and put me through the ringer. I am no saint either so I chalk it up as even at this point.
> 
> I had a BJ while married about ten years ago one night from a girl I lived with in college and had sex (once) with prior to being marraied and fooled around with in the hotub.My roomates girlfriend at her house she was then married to my old roomate her and I almost had sex and tried but I couldn't so it was just a BJ to completion. Sort of friend with benefit stuff.
> 
> I felt bad after I sobered up and never did anything again like that.
> 
> I see this as payback..karma in a way.


:wtf:


----------



## Trying2figureitout

jorgegene said:


> How can people text each other 40-50 times a day?
> What the heck do they say to each other? I many times can you say "you're hot, i want you?'.
> How do they get any work done?
> 
> When I was monitoring my wayward spouse a few years ago (i had
> sprint mobile controls) one dude was texting her like 35-50 times a day, sometimes like a machine gun, 10-15 in 1/2 hour. What the &*^%$????!!!!
> 
> Never knew what they were saying. I think it's downright pathological. Scary, creepy!


She admits a texting addiction and found a willing partner...takes a lot to create that second life.

hey at least it was free..instead of paying some game company.


----------



## thebadguy

Trying2figureitout said:


> That is your theory. I don't believe my wife crossed that boundary, other ones yes like texting I LOVE YOU and falling "in love" with another man yes but not that one...
> 
> She is not you or others she is her.


aaah....this reminds me of the movie Tommy Boy. I miss Chris Farley. I need to watch it again...

Kids (to Farley and his girlfriend on a sailboat): Hey, Tubbo! You ain’t moving!

Farley: Yeah, need a little wind here.

Kids: No, you need to drop a couple hundred pounds, blimp!

Farley: (to girlfriend) Rascals! (to the kids) *I guess that’s your theory.*

Kids: Hey lady, there's a fat whale on your boat! ya, free willy?!

Girlfriend: Listen up, you little spazoids. I know where you live and I've seen where you sleep. I swear on everything holy that your mothers will cry when they see what I've done to you!

Kids: (run away crying)


----------



## jorgegene

Even in the days I was wooing my grilfriends/wife, 5-10 texts a day was a lot.

I think people who text 40-50 times/day are beyond red flag.
beyond creepy scary


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> She admits a texting addiction and found a willing partner...takes a lot to create that second life.
> 
> hey at least it was free..instead of paying some game company.


OMG! T2, you're backpedaling. "Texting addiction"? Really? So she didn't ACTUALLY admit to the affair. Wow.... 


Nice jab at those of us who are gamers. Although, you do realize that there are FREE games this happens on as well, right? Damn, T2, you really are certifiable...

"Well, yea, she cheated, but only a little bit. I mean, it's not like she had to pay anything for her lover. I'm ok with that" GMAFB


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> OMG! T2, you're backpedaling. "Texting addiction"? Really? So she didn't ACTUALLY admit to the affair. Wow....
> 
> 
> Nice jab at those of us who are gamers. Although, you do realize that there are FREE games this happens on as well, right? Damn, T2, you really are certifiable...
> 
> "Well, yea, she cheated, but only a little bit. I mean, it's not like she had to pay anything for her lover. I'm ok with that" GMAFB



She FULLY admitted to me her affair last night she was very forthcoming and corrected my misinterpretation, she could have let me think it was him as I did.She manned up and admitted it was her and she was in love with him..

Thats character admitting fault.

She has admitted in the past to a texting addiction.


----------



## Headspin

Trying2figureitout said:


> She has admitted in the past to a texting addiction.


 a texting addiction OMG!



Trying2figureitout said:


> I can accept the cheating... I had a BJ while married about ten years ago one night from a girl I lived with in college and had sex (once) with prior to being marraied and fooled around with in the hotub under my roommates nose.My roomates girlfriend at her house she was then married to my old roomate her and I almost had sex and tried but I couldn't so it was just a BJ to completion. Sort of friend with benefit stuff.
> 
> I felt bad after I sobered up and never did anything again like that.
> 
> I see this as payback..karma in a way. Since that night I cheated.


:rofl: Brilliant the tears are rollng down my face


----------



## bigbearsfan

Trying2figureitout said:


> She FULLY admitted to me her affair last night she was very forthcoming and corrected my misinterpretation, she could have let me think it was him as I did.She manned up and admitted it was her and she was in love with him..
> 
> Thats character admitting fault.
> 
> She has admitted in the past to a texting addiction.


I guess if I was her, I would admit to an EA for years and not admit to a PA. I just sounds better. :slap:

Just do yourself a favor, ask for a poly and follow thru. I will bet you and guarantee you, you will get a parking lot confession.


----------



## thebadguy

Trying2figureitout said:


> She FULLY admitted to me her affair last night she was very forthcoming and corrected my misinterpretation, she could have let me think it was him as I did.She manned up and admitted it was her and she was in love with him..
> 
> Thats character admitting fault.
> 
> She has admitted in the past to a texting addiction.


I guess the old saying is true..."I can get a good look at a steak by sticking my head up a steer's rump...but I'd rather take the butcher's word for it"


----------



## Trying2figureitout

bigbearsfan said:


> I guess if I was her, I would admit to an EA for years and not admit to a PA. I just sounds better. :slap:
> 
> Just do yourself a favor, ask for a poly and follow thru. I will bet you and guarantee you, you will get a parking lot confession.


If they had sex even if lots it doesn't bother me. I don't think they did and i really don't care either way as long as her and I get back on track sexually and keep our family intact.

I'll take my chance on contracting a VD from her


----------



## Headspin

Trying2figureitout said:


> I'll take my chance on contracting a VD from her


I can't take any more - stop it


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> If they had sex even if lots it doesn't bother me. I don't think they did and i really don't care either way as long as her and I get back on track sexually and keep our family intact.
> 
> I'll take my chance on contracting a VD from her


IOW, this thread was a ploy to get CWI members riled up. Well played, T2...well played.


----------



## nickgtg

This isn't real, no way. If it is, then it should be stickied so every new person here will know exactly what not to do.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## bigbearsfan

Trying2figureitout said:


> If they had sex even if lots it doesn't bother me. I don't think they did and i really don't care either way as long as her and I get back on track sexually and keep our family intact.
> 
> I'll take my chance on contracting a VD from her



Holy cuckold Batman!


Now you just moved the goal post on everyone here. :rofl:


----------



## Tron

Trying2figureitout said:


> If they had sex even if lots it doesn't bother me. I don't think they did and i really don't care either way as long as her and I get back on track sexually and keep our family intact.
> 
> I'll take my chance on contracting a VD from her


You pretty much just admitted you will do anything and accept anything to keep your family together. Good luck with that.


----------



## jerry123

Does your wife know you got a BJ from another woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Decorum

Trying2figureitout said:


> just for a moment assume its all true. It is.
> 
> *Only reason I am here is to share my life at key stages* as i work ... my marriage ...my wife.
> 
> I fully admit...*My story can help others. My methods can help others.* Its never been done before this way.
> 
> *There were no good solutions prior I had to invent my own. *
> 
> This is my life and my wife deserves my best shot at winning her back.




So you are the Einstein of marriage theorists and this is your grand thought experiment, ExWW=(T2)Squared.




and in the Signature of Trying2figureitout; said:


> All current and future posts pertaining to *THE PLAN will be posted to my own personal blog*. Thanks T2... any comments/questions should go there. This will be the permanent new home of THE PLAN.


And you are hoping that this exposure will drive traffic to your website?

Are you looking to gain notoriety or a following?

Are you looking to monetize this opportunity?

Oh! Probably you are hoping to "HELP" people right?


This is one of the most transparently opportunistic, exploitive and crass prelusion to personal advancement that I have ever seen. It's delusional.

Your whole motivation is to establish yourself as the uncontested author and expert of "the PLAN".

Toward that you project need but reject advice while the whole time trying to prove your theory.

It is common for us to recommend professional help to needy souls here, I don't believe anyone here is truly qualified to help you. Please seek professional help to oversee the decisions you are taking in your life.

I will make this my last post, I really do wish you well.

Take care!


----------



## Trying2figureitout

jerry123 said:


> Does your wife know you got a BJ from another woman?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No don't plan to share that as it was ten years ago and once.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Tron said:


> You pretty much just admitted you will do anything and accept anything to keep your family together. Good luck with that.


I will divorce her if she does not come around and quick back to a new normal sexlife I can accept.

I can and will divorce her if she takes it that far..this sexless marriage will end either in a new sexual marriage or divorce this year. Thats it. I made my mind up this is her only chance with me.

She asked about the kids when I mentioned divorce again i said they are old enough and will be ok but if you re-marry and have another man be in here as their father that will destoy me.

She took that in deeply. She knows how connected the kids are to me.


----------



## PBear

I'm not sure who's more in denial... The OP, or the people who think they're making any headway in digging his head out of the sand...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nickgtg

Your wife already has a normal sex life. Oh wait, you were talking about yours.

Sent from my DROID RAZR using Tapatalk 4


----------



## just got it 55

Trying2figureitout said:


> I will divorce her if she does not come around and quick back to a new normal sexlife I can accept.
> 
> I can and will divorce her if she takes it that far..this sexless marriage will end either in a new sexual marriage or divorce this year. Thats it. I made my mind up this is her only chance with me.


No chance of that ( D ) T2F

I can see she is coming around wonderfuly

55


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Decorum said:


> So you are the Einstein of marriage theorists and this is your grand thought experiment, ExWW=(T2)Squared.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> And you are hoping that this exposure will drive traffic to your website?
> 
> Are you looking to gain notoriety or a following?
> 
> Are you looking to monetize this opportunity?
> 
> Oh! Probably you are hoping to "HELP" people right?
> 
> 
> This is one of the most transparently opportunistic, exploitive and crass prelusion to personal advancement that I have ever seen. It's delusional.
> 
> Your whole motivation is to establish yourself as the uncontested author and expert of "the PLAN".
> 
> Toward that you project need but reject advice while the whole time trying to prove your theory.
> 
> It is common for us to recommend professional help to needy souls here, I don't believe anyone here is truly qualified to help you. Please seek professional help to oversee the decisions you are taking in your life.
> 
> I will make this my last post, I really do wish you well.
> 
> Take care!


I don't even check the blog haven't in a year I could care less if you check it or not its just there as a placeholder for later.

I was told by TAM admins not to post the plan here rather have a blog I can control...becuase you all mess up that post every time and it dilutes the plan itself and makes a mockery of it.

I am sort of a Lighting rod OP...every time you all go nuts 

i think none of you believe that I came up with a plan to save various types of sexless marriages even with infidelity.

I did and obviously its working...actually just as good as I originally hoped even better in ways.

Only thing I didn't originally plan for but was a critical step was the last two years of extreme sexless only twice in a two year period..that one is difficult at best to deal with and may be a deal breaker for some who try.


----------



## vi_bride04

I am sorry you don't have more self respect. 

Good luck to you - you will never have the marriage you want until you learn you are worth more than being a cuckold.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

just got it 55 said:


> No chance of that ( D ) T2F
> 
> I can see she is coming around wonderfuly
> 
> 55


I agree I think she will chose a new sexlife with me.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

vi_bride04 said:


> I am sorry you don't have more self respect.
> 
> Good luck to you - you will never have the marriage you want until you learn you are worth more than being a cuckold.


Not sure I follow.. i do things my way and could care less what you all think my way IS working .


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> No don't plan to share that as it was ten years ago and once.


Oh?
Now I KNOW you're screwing with us.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> Oh?
> Now I KNOW you're screwing with us.


What that I don't tell my wife about a BJ ten years ago with my old female roomate I was trying to have sex with..she was disappointed she wanted me bad that night I couldn't do it. But she got me orally. It was nice at the time bad later for me thinking about what i did. I lacked self control that night.

Would anyone ? Water under the bridge and we all make mistakes.


----------



## thebadguy

Checking out. Not going to read this farce any more.


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> What that I don't tell my wife about a BJ ten years ago with my old female roomate I was trying to have sex with..she was disappointed she wanted me bad that night I couldn't do it. But she got me orally. It was nice at the time bad later for me thinking about what i did. I lacked self control that night.
> 
> Would anyone ? Water under the bridge and we all make mistakes.


Sex is sex. Cheating is cheating. Another woman got you off. You were married at the time. You cheated. 


*(if this is even true)*


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Maricha75 said:


> Sex is sex. Cheating is cheating. Another woman got you off. You were married at the time. You cheated.
> 
> 
> *(if this is even true)*


I agree it was cheating . I'm not Bill Clinton. So its karma. Are you trying to make me feel bad or something i just went through a four year sexless marriage I have enough pain.


----------



## Trying2figureitout

Its all done with this thread it is getting out of hand like all others I start.

My wife and I are on a reconcile path 2 days in (3/4/14 DDay 6:45am) I am stopping posting here in the infidelity forum . In a while I will update our reconciliation in that forum at a time of my choosing for now good luck with all your marriages and best of luck..its been real.

Eventually I will update my blog with the plan assuming i am successful peace out.

Thanks for those who in the past helped me...some of you shaped the plan

T2

==================================================

++++++++++END OF OP CONTRIBUTION TO THREAD+++++++++++

==================================================


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

WOW. I'm not sure what to believe about this anymore. I didn't think this was a sham thread since T2 was allegedly a known commodity from the past several years. But...this goes so far beyond what I remember in his earlier threads that maybe this was all a long 3 to 4 year con on TAM???


----------



## bfree

Why would you want to stay with a woman who has cut you off from sex, had an inappropriate relationship with another man, told you she doesn't love you, and admitted to doing things to purposefully hurt you? Don't you think you can do better than that?


----------



## bigbearsfan

Plan 9 from OS said:


> WOW. I'm not sure what to believe about this anymore. I didn't think this was a sham thread since T2 was allegedly a known commodity from the past several years. But...this goes so far beyond what I remember in his earlier threads that maybe this was all a long 3 to 4 year con on TAM???


I don't know, but I'm thinking his mind went off the reservation and needs so help asap.


----------



## vi_bride04

*Re: Re: EA confirmed today*



bfree said:


> Why would you want to stay with a woman who has cut you off from sex, had an inappropriate relationship with another man, told you she doesn't love you, and admitted to doing things to purposefully hurt you? Don't you think you can do better than that?


This is exactly what I mean about self respect, OP.


----------



## adriana

Anybody else is getting an impression that CWI has become a mecca for aspiring novelists?


----------



## Maricha75

Trying2figureitout said:


> Its all done with this thread it is getting out of hand like all others I start.
> 
> My wife and I are on a reconcile path 2 days in (3/4/14 DDay 6:45am) I am stopping posting here in the infidelity forum . In a while I will update our reconciliation in that forum at a time of my choosing for now good luck with all your marriages and best of luck..its been real.
> 
> Eventually I will update my blog with the plan assuming i am successful peace out.
> 
> Thanks for those who in the past helped me...some of you shaped the plan
> 
> T2


Wow, T2. Talk about blameshifting. Keep in mind that YOU posted this tread because YOU discovered something when you took the advice to check your wife's phone. All the others have TRIED to do, myself included, is to help you get to the truth. What derailed the thread? YOU and your backpedaling. And, it's funny...you ended your last post just as you have over the years, since THE PLAN's inception... "In a while I will update our reconciliation in that forum at a time of my choosing for now good luck with all your marriages and best of luck".... Some slight changes in wording, but the gist has been the same. It's all about your plan  It's always been about it and promoting it...getting hopes up, until they realize you're in LaLa Land. I really hope the mods do use this as an example of what NOT to do. I do know one thing... people will remember this thread when you begin giving marriage advice. I know I sure will.


----------



## Racer

Trying2figureitout said:


> i think none of you believe that I came up with a plan to save various types of sexless marriages even with infidelity.
> 
> I did and obviously its working...actually just as good as I originally hoped even better in ways..


:rofl::rofl:
Oh yes... Working well... Keep at it! She's in an active long term affair and you aren't getting laid! Keep rubbing her feet and maybe a Jeanie will fly out of her nethers that grants wishes!


----------



## GutPunch

Is he gone? Can I post?


OP

Your Plan Sux!


----------



## Clay2013

So when this no longer works and she just does not want to be with you will you implement the Stalker Plan 2.0 ?

Just kidding 


Clay


----------



## cool12

i haven't used this in years!
classic.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I guess a mod should come by and lock this thread. Too many frustrated people for further posting to be of any more value - and may lead to some bans.


----------



## TRy

Trying2figureitout said:


> No I will divorce her if needed. I don't think they had sex.


 You do not think that they had sex? Really? Below is a post from yesterday where you acknowledge you were now "under the assumption it was a physical affair." You stated then that it was now a matter of "what do I do about it". Apparently what you were going to do about it is nothing as you sweep it under the rug and make beleive it did not happen.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I am now after sleeping on it under the assumption it was a physical affair.
> 
> Now what do I do about it....


----------



## Headspin

Trying2figureitout said:


> Its all done with this thread it is getting out of hand like all others I start.
> 
> Eventually I will update my blog with the plan assuming i am successful peace out.
> 
> Thanks for those who in the past helped me...some of you shaped the plan
> 
> T2
> 
> ==================================================
> 
> ++++++++++END OF OP CONTRIBUTION TO THREAD+++++++++++
> 
> ==================================================


Mmmmaaawwwaaaaaaahhh :rofl: :rofl:
I'm sorry I'm sorry but typing this is just rdiculous I cannot stop laughing
:rofl:

You must be a professional stand up.....I am crying as I type this 
Baaaaahaahhaaaaaaaa

==================================================

++++++++++END OF OP CONTRIBUTION TO THREAD+++++++++++

==================================================

WTf is that :rofl:


----------



## Headspin

TRy said:


> You do not think that they had sex? Really? Below is a post from yesterday where you acknowledge you were now "under the assumption it was a physical affair." You stated then that it was now a matter of "what do I do about it". Apparently what you were going to do about it is nothing as you sweep it under the rug and make beleive it did not happen.


Nnoooo

You're not his brother are you!? :smthumbup:


----------



## Chaparral

Well, you knew he would do this again. 





So did his wife and her lover. The lover that the only things he knows about came from the mouth of a proven liar and cheat. The only thing different is he's a cheater too.


----------



## verpin zal

You've got "The Plan", sir?

How do you like them apples?


----------



## golfergirl

Does anyone else feel maybe a little sorry for his wife? Could you imagine trying a to have a meaningful in depth discussion trying to solve marital issues and the same stubborn nonsense just keeps coming forth? Not condoning what she is doing but I would find in hard to keep an emotional connection to someone that is very smug and one-tracked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

golfergirl said:


> Does anyone else feel maybe a little sorry for his wife? Could you imagine trying a to have a meaningful in depth discussion trying to solve marital issues and the same stubborn nonsense just keeps coming forth? Not condoning what she is doing but I would find in hard to keep an emotional connection to someone that is very smug and one-tracked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Feel sorry for his wife?:rofl::rofl::rofl: She's being taken care of by two men. Hell, she thought his latest ultimatum was so cute she couldn't keep a straight face.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

He cheated on her first, apparently. It's all a mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Remains

Why is anyone still humoring this t***l? 
I don't get it...so many responses are offered to extend the thread...for what?


----------



## soccermom2three

golfergirl said:


> Does anyone else feel maybe a little sorry for his wife? Could you imagine trying a to have a meaningful in depth discussion trying to solve marital issues and the same stubborn nonsense just keeps coming forth? Not condoning what she is doing but I would find in hard to keep an emotional connection to someone that is very smug and one-tracked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was wondering if there is a bit autism or Aspergers involved. I mean there is something not right here. Also, the OP must make a heck of a living if the wife hasn't left yet.


----------



## Chaparral

soccermom2three said:


> I was wondering if there is a bit autism or Aspergers involved. I mean there is something not right here. Also, the OP must make a heck of a living if the wife hasn't left yet.


That's assuming the OM wants her for something besides sex NS that's as rare as hen's teeth.

This has gone on so long it would probably be the easiest thing in the world to get rid of the OM if he had a real plan.


----------



## Shift

Someone please tell me this was an epic troll? WOW!


----------



## manfromlamancha

manfromlamancha said:


> *This is just too bad to be true!*
> 
> 
> Your wife is "in touch" with OM for 4 years!
> You do not get sex for these 4 years.
> Your wife says it was just an EA for this length of time.
> Life at home with you is "great" other than she can't stand you touching her leave alone having sex with her.
> Your wife shaves her pubes and buys new sexy underwear - but not for sex - maybe because she had an itch down there or something (snigger, snigger)
> You are on a quest to prove to TAM (?) that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you.
> When challenged, you are on a quest to prove to TAM that you can manipulate your wife into having sex with you AND enjoying the sex! (Ha! That'll show us!)
> Your wife does not like sex.
> Your wife does like sex but not with you ... leading to ...
> She probably did have a PA (lightbulb on!)
> But then back to your wife did not have a PA.
> Your wife admits that she is in love with the OM and would have sex with him if it wasn't considered cheating.
> Your wife says that she loves you too but it's just that you make her skin crawl when you try to touch her.
> You consider your progress to date successful and indicative of a happy marriage and just about everyone on TAM is wrong and doesn't get it.
> And you have been on top of this and prepared to divorce her if your master plan did not succeed - but it is succeeding and you are confident of happy ever after.
> *You have homework and a term paper to write but this is way more fun.*
> 
> OK I get it.


OK - this is an epic troll!


----------



## bfree

*Re: Re: EA confirmed today*



golfergirl said:


> Does anyone else feel maybe a little sorry for his wife? Could you imagine trying a to have a meaningful in depth discussion trying to solve marital issues and the same stubborn nonsense just keeps coming forth? Not condoning what she is doing but I would find in hard to keep an emotional connection to someone that is very smug and one-tracked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He thinks he's the smartest person in the room. And he's right. He's in the closet while everyone else is partying out back.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

You all are wasting your time. This is what he does. He posts outrageous threads with obvious solutions then he digs his heals in and argues against those solutions.


----------

