# Wife wants time to think, doesn't love me anymore...



## Fredop23 (Oct 4, 2013)

Hi everyone, I'm here because I have nobody I can talk to about this and seek advice through this painful time in my life. I have been with my wife for 8 years and married for 3. On the 4th of July she randomly tells me that it's over and she wants to separate. Her reasoning was that I've hurt her too much in the past and she can't forgive me. I cheated on her early on in the relationship a few times and she caught me each time but said she forgave me and took me back. A few weeks after her breaking the news to me, I find out that she had been cheating on my physically since late June and emotionally for I'm sure longer. She told me that she didn't think she loved me anymore. I still wanted to be with her and told Her I'd forgive her if she returned. She asked for time, which I wasn't able to give her. It was too hard, so instead I wined her and dined her for the last 3 months and changed a lot for her. It's been up and down since, she was still seeing the other guy also. We have been intimate since then but says it's not the same as before. This other man is no good, as I found out that she's also sleeping with one of her friends. She comes back from seeing the other man reeking of alcohol and marijuana which she never did in our time together. Yesterday I got fed up and I told her that if she was ready to file to just go ahead and do it. After a long talk we came to the conclusion that she wants time to think...no contact between us, only about our two kids. If she misses me even a little she said...that she would be willing to try with me again. I made her promise to stop seeing or talking to the other guy while she figures out the future of our family. She told me that she was going to already but now even more so her mind is clear while she thinks....so that's my long winded story, sorry if it's a bit incoherent lol...I'm scared as this is the point where we will find out if she'll return or not...any advice or thoughts would be appreciated as I have no friends or support that I can talk to about this....thanks


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

if you want to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it. tell her to stuff it on the extra time and file for a divorce tomorrow. you can always stop a D. i know it sounds so counter productive but it is pretty much the only way to save your marriage.

she will not stop until you make her "D" and then she may not stop. the best thing to do is the 180 and detach from her as fast as you can and work on yourself.

other posters will be on and give better advice just hang in there....sorry you are here btu most of us have been in your shoes (my ex wife cheated when we had a 6 month old son at home)


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## Fredop23 (Oct 4, 2013)

Thanks for the input....sorry but what is the "180"


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## oviid (Sep 27, 2013)

I don't have the link, hopefully someone else will post it, but I have read it. Basically you distance yourself without being too distant. You stop trying to "save" you marriage and show that you are confident in that you will be fine. Don't beg or make excuses as to why your partner should stay and love you because that only makes them push away more.

I'm trying to implement that myself and it's not always easy but for me it serves two purposes. Not only does it show that I am confident that I will be alright, which I know I will, but it also shows my wife that I won't lower myself to begging and I won't act needy/weepy. As a result I actually do feel better and my confidence has risen concerning this. I guess when you tell yourself enough that things will be alright you start to believe it some. 

We went from absolute divorce to possible legal separation. Even then I am not holding onto hope much because I know that it's very possible things will end in a D. If they do that's too bad but you know what I am a good man, hard worker, great father and I will absolutely be alright.

Be sure to post here as much as you want to. There are people here that will help you. Also if you have a couple close friends they will be there for you which will be a big help. Friends, family and even counseling if you can.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How were your affairs dealt with? Were they rugswept? Because it sounds like your wife never got over them; they set a very negative tone in the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

How old are you two?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

She's going to use this time away from you to see the PosOM. Sorry, it's right out of the cheater's script.

Ask the mods to move this thread to the Coping with Infidelity subforum. You will get plenty of good advice there.


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## Fredop23 (Oct 4, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> How were your affairs dealt with? Were they rugswept? Because it sounds like your wife never got over them; they set a very negative tone in the marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I mean I was in the dog house for a while but I guess she never forgave me because any time she got the chance she would throw it in my face.


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## Fredop23 (Oct 4, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> How old are you two?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Im 29 and shes 32


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fredop23 said:


> Yeah, I mean I was in the dog house for a while but I guess she never forgave me because any time she got the chance she would throw it in my face.



There's your answer: if she's still throwing it in your fact she hasn't forgiven you. As men are often told when their wife steps out, not everyone can get over an affair(s). Your only chance is some really intensive marriage counseling if you can get her to agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fredop23 (Oct 4, 2013)

Well, after talking about things...I decided to escalate things. I told her if she is ready to go on ahead and file. She looked surprised and said that no, not yet...she said other times she would say she was gonna think things through just to let me down easy. This time around she says shes thinking very seriously about things as shes thinking, not because she wants to let me down easy but because she sees a potential reconciliation. She told the other man that they can no longer talk or see each other as she thinking of returning to her marriage. She told me that the biggest factor into a possible return would be the kids. On sunday, she kissed me for the first time in a while...I have to admit it felt nice...We'll see what happens from here


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