# Desperately seeking advice



## Lost... (Mar 3, 2011)

I am brand new here, but I really need some advice, before I lose my husband. It's kind of a long story, I apologize, please bear with me.

I've known my husband for almost 15 years. He was my first real boyfriend, and my first love. We were together for a year and a 1/2, which doesn't seem like much, but at 13/14, it's an eternity. He ended up moving 400 miles away. We tried the long distance thing, and would talk to each other and write, A LOT. He ended up getting into pretty bad drugs, and I couldn't watch him kill himself. I eventually ended up cheating on him, and then breaking it off.

He'd come back to my city from time to time. He'd always come find me, and confess his love for me never died. I was always in some other relationship, and a few times, I got in trouble for him. We ended up losing touch, and I moved out of the house he always came to find me at. 

Fast forward 6 years. I had just gotten out of a few horrible relationships, which broke me down to the point where I was nearly nothing. I was deeply depressed, and just trying to fill the hole left in me with _something_. That's when we found each other again, via the good ol' internet. He was miserable in his relationship, and I was just plain miserable. I wasn't sure that I wanted to be in a true relationship, and I was "seeing" [not really seriously, kind of friends with limited benefits] someone else, when we reconnected. I made it clear that I was unsure about what I wanted to do, and he respected that. 
We continued to talk, and visit with each other. The person I was "seeing", realized he still loved his ex, and went back to her. We remained friends, and spoke a few times, joking about sex in one of the conversations, but not really meaning anything by it. My computer unknowingly logged these conversations. 

We[my husband & I] grew closer every day, fell more in love. On valentine's day he asked me to marry him. For about 5 months we floated on air, and then things took a turn down a strange road. He began bringing up old feelings, from when we were kids, about how bad I hurt him, and just all the immature things I did when we were kids. We worked it out [or so I thought] & then things got better for awhile. As we drew closer to the wedding date, we were both on edge, we fought a lot, mostly about little things, which would always lead back to the things I've done wrong to him. We would work it out, and be right back to fighting a few days later. We blamed it on stress from the wedding. Our wedding day came and went, and we were great, we thought. 4 days after we got married, we were fighting again, about the same things. 

Fastforward 2 months, and he's digging through my computer for who knows what, and he finds that old chat log, he decides to read the chats from the guy he knew I was "seeing" before him.
Now he's accusing me of having sex with the other man, because we joked about sex in one of the conversations. 

I realize this is a sex advice forum, so here is the sex part of it.

As a result of all this fighting and accusing and crying and me feeling like he doesn't allow me to fix any of the wrong I've done, only so he can throw that in my face, I have just lost my sex drive.
I have lost the passion we once had. We both have. We cry to each other and say we're going to work things out, but the same problems still arise. One big problem is his size. He is somewhat large, and sometimes, it just plain hurts me, and sometimes I'm sore for a few days at a time. I have tried explaining this to him, and he says he understands, but when I'm hurt, and he wants it, it's my fault, and "I just don't want him anymore". This turns me off further! I have tried so hard to explain myself to him, explain why it hurts, explain that sometimes, I just don't feel good, or tired, or I'm just plain not in the mood. I've tried to do it just because he wants to, and that usually ends with me in pain and him angry because we can't have sex, yet again. If we could do it everyday, he would want it everyday.

I am at a loss as to what to do here. I've tried everything I can think of. How do I fix what I've done in the past, so we can have our sex life back in the present? We know we love each other, why can't we work this out? 
I'm so desperate here, I need any help I can get. I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my husband...my best friend... if we can't get over this. We don't have the money to seek a real counselor, so I'm left with this as my last hope. 
Anyone... please.....


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## Lost... (Mar 3, 2011)

None of this matters. He's leaving me because of all this. I finally try to get help, and I'm too late.
I will leave this up for answers, maybe someone else is in a similar situation and can save a marriage.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Its maybe not too late. There is always hope. 

How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling

Sometimes insurance, schools, or something else can have affordable counseling. Also, the financial hit you would take from D is going to be much larger than counseling. Paying rent at 2 different places is usually more expensive than counseling.

It sounds like you could work this out in MC if you both are willing. 

YouTube - Prevent My Divorce: The Walkaway Wife Syndrome

I know it looks bad now. You might not have to give up hope. A lot of marriages on the absolute brink of D can be saved.


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## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

Most people have a past. Good luck to him if he thinks he can find someone without one. Of course, he should have forgiven you before he asked you to marry him. I think that he'll come to realize he's wrong (or at least miss you) and will come back. You probably realize that you guys aren't able to work it out alone (based on the story). Force him into counseling then, so that you guys can move forward. This stuff can't keep coming up as it isn't healthy for your relationship. Good luck Lost!


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Men want what they can't have, give him oral (if you can), intercourse, or even the armpit, just wear him out for a few weeks, then keep asking for it when he's tired. He'll quit asking and you'll get some rest. It only works if you seem to really want it.
Mouse


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