# Not Sure What to Think Anymore



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Hi Everyone,

I haven't been on this board in months so most of you won't remember me, some of you may...probably not though.

A little back ground. H and I married for 23 years when he asked for a divorce back in June of 2011. He moved out July 2011. He lives very close so we see each other almost daily with either a passby on his way home or a visit-he comes over most days of the week. He is usually here on the weekends just hanging out, sometimes helping with tasks around the house. Last weekend we went to see DD at school together and basically spent the whole weekend together. It's been this way since he left. We have two teenagers, one away at school, the other lives here with me.

As I mentioned earlier, he spends a lot of time here, which I don't mind as I'm still madly in love with this man. I figure having him around some of the time is better than not seeing him at all. When he's not here, I get depressed. When he's here I feel great. We share the same group of friends/neighbors and socialize quite often.

He has been involved with another woman whose first visit to our state to see him was cleverly planned to happen right at the one year separation mark for us. He has been up to see her once. I've asked him about her and his relationship with her which he adamantly denies is a "relationship". He and I have been together intimately a couple of times since Christmas at which time I asked him again if he was in love with her. Again, it was denied. I've made it clear to him that she is in no way welcome in this house (no texting her while he's here).

I've asked him a number of times to come home and work on us. He's not said a flat out NO, only says things like "its got to be something that I want". None of our friends or family believe this is really what he wants but that his pride is getting in the way of him coming back. I'm just so confused as to how to read him. He's very nice to me, has been very decent in terms of his financial responsiblity, giving me money, paying his half of the bills that we split up, taking me and the boy out for meals, buys me stuff, buys the kids stuff. Just really not how you'd expect a person who doesn't want to be married to act.

I feel like if he really wanted to be divorced, why has he put it off? We've been separated almost 19 months and no sign of divorce papers.

Everyone that knows us, friends, family, kids friends, etc. all cannot believe that he and I are separated. They all say, WOW, you two get along great for a divorcing couple. 

I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say anymore. Any words of advice? If you were living on the outside, what woud you think? I don't want this divorce and in no way want to push him away. Also, I've not even entertained the idea of dating anyone. That seems so far off my radar right now.

What do I do? Am I crazy?:scratchhead:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So your husband has your permission to see another woman, just not in your house?? And you continue to have sex with him?

Yeah, I would say you're crazy.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

He is not going to divorce you, because you are allowing him to eat cake. I almost sense that he feels sorry for you, he is going to continue with this behavior until you decide you've had enough. You must start the 180 immediately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

JAW,

I remember you well.

Are you tired of being Plan B yet?


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

JAW- Your post sounds just like my H and myself.....although we have only been seperated 7 months (5 of those he lived in our home)  He and I only fight when he feels that I am looking for R. I have recently stopped all intimate contact with him....took me awhile and I still desire him as he does me, it is just he needs to experience missing me alittle.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Lovingwife315 said:


> JAW- Your post sounds just like my H and myself.....although we have only been seperated 7 months (5 of those he lived in our home) He and I only fight when he feels that I am looking for R. I have recently stopped all intimate contact with him....took me awhile and I still desire him as he does me, it is just he needs to experience missing me alittle.


Is your husband screwing another woman too?


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Hope- 

Yes he was...... His OW lives 3000 miles away so it was mainly EA but yes there was PA for awhile. 

I really believed I was competeing for him......

Crazy, I know but it was this instinct to claim what was mine. Now I know better......what I was doing wasn't keeping us "connected" or showing how much I loved him....

It was showing him how little I loved myself, and feeding the ego and fantasy he was living in!!!

i know how hard it is, my husband and I made love EVERY DAY during our marriage (unless away for some reason where we were not together......and I allowed that to continue when he dropped his bomb on me in July) I thought I was fighting for my marriage.......

Im done now..... I love him, and he is not really seeing anyone else, but I want my marriage not what we are doing now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Then why don't you file for divorce??

I simply do not understand anyone who would waste their life like that.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Then why don't you file for divorce??
> 
> I simply do not understand anyone who would waste their life like that.


Some people just take a longer time to "get it" I guess....

Taking control of your life is so much better than waiting on some selfish a-hole to never make a decision and keep you in limbo while enjoying his 9 layer cake...


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

First off, he's got "mechanical issues" so our times together were less than satisfying for either one of us. Also, I was the one that went to him and asked for it. He would've never come to me. It had been a very, very,looong time.

Yes, he has been with her, I'm guessing anyway. 

Yes, he's probably eating cake, but I ABSOLUTELY refuse to handle this divorce. This is his baby and he can do all the leg work AND pay for it. I WILL NOT.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

So much for "what do you do"


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

Listen, I get what you all are saying, I really do. The sex thing just came up in the last two months and it was at my request. What I don't understand is if he's so adamant about wanting out of the marriage, why didn't he have me served the day we hit the one year separation mark?

Yes, so I've let him come around to see his son, his son won't walk down the street to visit him. I guess I was viewing it as an amicable separation, not letting myself be used. He's not using me, if anything I could be seen as using him with all that's he's doing for us. Shoot, I'm not going to turn down a helping hand...especially one that will pay for everything. That would be stupid.

I really believe this guy is going through a mid-life disaster. I really just would like to have my family unit back and intact and if there's a chance that could happen...well...I'd love that.

This other chick is 1000 miles away in an area of the country that he'd never live in, so I don't see him leaving to go be with her. Her coming here I don't believe is an option either as she has a minor child. (It's hard to get a parents permission to move their child out of state).

As for me filing for divorce, that would just be too easy for him. I've ALWAYS been the one to handle all of our issues in the past and I believe he would love it if I took this on too. Ain't gonna happen.

And no, I'm not giving him permission to see other women, but what control do I have over it? Other than those two instances of him meeting her, I can account for almost all of his whereabouts. He's very routine and never leaves the neighborhood...yes, we live that close to each other. I see him leave in the morning and come home every night.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

sounds like you like being exactly where you are...

so what are you on this forum for? what can we do for you?


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