# Healthy assertion or possesiveness



## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

My wife got a ride home from her moms (about 20 miles away) from some "dood" her mom knows. The mom was along for the ride or there would have been an issue. I don't know the guy. 

They showed up on time and her mom was in the car and as my wife got out I greeted her and walked briskly to the drivers side. Dood had his window rolled down. I extended my hand and squeezed the **** out of his while staring intensely into his eyes and with a grin said calmly, "Thank you for riding my wife home, Sir. She is VERY important to me." He said, "uh, ya" and they left. My wife said I might as well have put a gun in his face and threatened him. I told her I was marking my territory and being a gentleman in the process. 

She reminded me a few months ago that her step father was in the house helping her move furniture and stuff when I came home from work and that I pretty much told him to get the **** out. Same deal with her brother a few months before that. 

I had made it very clear a long time ago that I won't tolerate males in the house when I am not home unless I know about it (not permission, I just want to know), and that it will be a bad scene if I show up from work and any male is there that I wasn't expecting. In the past this resulted in my rottweiler tearing a hole in the stepfathers thigh, and the brother getting a blackeye. Granted they were both asking for it (the brother threw a cigarette butt at me, and the step father made the mistake of making a sudden move towards one of the kids we the dog as loose when we told him to sit the f down and wait till we get the dog back in its run.

My wife says this makes me an ******* and I tell her I ever have and never will tolerate another dawg sniffing around my territory. I had always been like that from the day she met me, was honest about it from the start and made it plain I wasn't going to change. In one sense she hates that about me but in another sense she digs it, which is weird. 

So do I really go to far? Only asking cause things are otherwise kind of rocky with us ad I am seriously thinking if working on adjusting key elements of my personality will be worth it in the end or if it would even work in terms of helping our marriage.


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## antimattercrusader (Aug 20, 2013)

ohno said:


> I had made it very clear a long time ago that I won't tolerate males in the house when I am not home unless I know about it (not permission, I just want to know)


I personally think this is a bit much, especially regarding her stepfather helping move furniture. Random people though, I would think she would avoid having random guys over without you being home as a common courtesy, rather than you requiring it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

If hubz told me I couldn't have my dad/grandad/cousins over when he wasn't home? I would be showing him the door. No way. That's madness and VERY controlling. Your wife is okay with that? I'd dial that right back now - it doesn't do you ANY favours.

Other males? Of course not. That's understandable.

I take it you do not have other females in your presence eithout your wife around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Yes, you go too far. End of story.
Probably end of marriage sooner than later too. 
She is your wife, not your property.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

In my view, it's too much. 

But I also get the feeling that this is troll thread.

Pack your bags. There maybe a few countries in which your view is shared. But generally not i the Western world.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> But I also get the feeling that this is troll thread.


Good call.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Be a whole lot different if the "dood" rode your wife home and Mumsy wasn't in the car. You got to cool it man. Your going to "macho" your way out of your marriage. It's call bully tactics and sooner or later you'll run into someone whose a bit more macho than you and find yourself on your ass.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

6301 said:


> Be a whole lot different if the "dood" rode your wife home and Mumsy wasn't in the car. You got to cool it man. Your going to "macho" your way out of your marriage. It's call bully tactics and sooner or later you'll run into someone whose a bit more macho than you and find yourself on your ass.


Or your wife may call it quits.

I dropped guys that I was dating because I deemed them too possessive and controlling.

OR just in general, we were not compatible.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are WAY out of line. No way would I tolerate this kind of controlling crap from a man.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

tobio said:


> If hubz told me I couldn't have my dad/grandad/cousins over when he wasn't home? I would be showing him the door. No way. That's madness and VERY controlling. Your wife is okay with that? I'd dial that right back now - it doesn't do you ANY favours.
> 
> Other males? Of course not. That's understandable.
> 
> ...


You missed the part where I said I just want to know who is in my home and when. I wouldn't tell her her dad or brother or whatever can't come when I am not there, I just WANT TO KNOW.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Too controlling. Period.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

ohno said:


> You missed the part where I said I just want to know who is in my home and when. I wouldn't tell her her dad or brother or whatever can't come when I am not there, *I just WANT TO KNOW*.


Why? Are you hiding something? Does it give you a heads up on how to behave when you get there? Do you use the knowledge to pick fights with people (including your wife)?

I think you went too far. I also think you are a control freak. Your 'this is how I am so deal with it' attitude sucks too. People can change if they want to, and that sounds like your big problem. You won't compromise and even be pleasant for the good of your marriage. That's a shame.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ohno said:


> My wife got a ride home from her moms (about 20 miles away) from some "dood" her mom knows. The mom was along for the ride or there would have been an issue. I don't know the guy.
> 
> They showed up on time and her mom was in the car and as my wife got out I greeted her and walked briskly to the drivers side. Dood had his window rolled down. I extended my hand and squeezed the **** out of his while staring intensely into his eyes and with a grin said calmly, "Thank you for riding my wife home, Sir. She is VERY important to me." He said, "uh, ya" and they left. My wife said I might as well have put a gun in his face and threatened him. I told her I was marking my territory and being a gentleman in the process.


I'm sure your eyes presented a steely glare similar to icepicks.



ohno said:


> She reminded me a few months ago that her step father was in the house helping her move furniture and stuff when I came home from work and that I pretty much told him to get the **** out. Same deal with her brother a few months before that.
> 
> I had made it very clear a long time ago that I won't tolerate males in the house when I am not home unless I know about it (not permission, I just want to know),


Boy. It sounds like you are whipped and attempting to make sure you keep the uperhand and other males out of the honey pot. I know the psychotic state of mind that this is. If you have to worry that much about it, it's not worth it. Plus if she's not doing anything your energy could set it off in her. Also if she's a cheater and she's not doing anything and you are too kind, she may cheat on you for that thinking she can slip a bit in. I think the key to most of our sanities is to not be with a cheater, unless that's what we really choose to do and understand the territory.



ohno said:


> and that it will be a bad scene if I show up from work and any male is there that I wasn't expecting. In the past this resulted in my rottweiler tearing a hole in the stepfathers thigh, and the brother getting a blackeye. Granted they were both asking for it (the brother threw a cigarette butt at me, and the step father made the mistake of making a sudden move towards one of the kids we the dog as loose when we told him to sit the f down and wait till we get the dog back in its run.


Sounds like you are running that home like a top security prison. All movement, changes, etc are controlled by you. 



ohno said:


> My wife says this makes me an ******* and I tell her I ever have and never will tolerate another dawg sniffing around my territory. I had always been like that from the day she met me, was honest about it from the start and made it plain I wasn't going to change. In one sense she hates that about me but in another sense she digs it, which is weird.


There's a certain breed of man, that really doesn't think other men should be "that" close to his woman. I'm one of them. The father may be an exception, but definately not all the time. I'm not really a fan of someone haveing a higher priority in my significant's headspace than me, it really drives me crazy.



ohno said:


> So do I really go to far? Only asking cause things are otherwise kind of rocky with us ad I am seriously thinking if working on adjusting key elements of my personality will be worth it in the end or if it would even work in terms of helping our marriage.


Anger management. With me the situation which had me in the pinnacle of anger like you describe which is a fine knife-edge of Mike Tyson like explositivity was a cheated on and lied to situation. I learned alot from that realm, but also learned that sitautions where you have to be like that aren't usually going to work out for your benefit.

Are you and your wife currently having power struggles? What about sexlessness? Disrespect? Henpecking? Powerballing her family members against you?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Did you also tell her to go into the kitchen and make you a sammich afterwards?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You sound in urgent need of counseling, OP.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I totally understand why you don't want other males alone with your wife. That is uncool. Family is a different story. If my dad just happened to drop by my house for a chat (he is my step father but has been like my dad my whole life), and my husband got upset about it, the only person at fault is my husband. Of course, he would never think to do that because quite frankly, he isn't insecure.

Nothing wrong with setting boundaries in a marriage, but when you need to know everything that is going on with your wife at all times, then you are being a controlling jerk, especially when she is at home. That is ridiculous. You should not be so aggressive as well. Get a handle on it now. Or you will end up divorced because she will start to build resentment towards your controlling nature.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Major possessiveness.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> Squeezing the crap out of some guy's hand who gave your wife a ride home while her mother tagged along? *Gay.*
> 
> Telling your wife that, if she has her family in your house without notifying you first, you will get in a physical fight with them? *Super gay*.


Unless you are telling the OP that he might be homosexual, please welcome to the 21st century and don't use offensive language like this.

OP - A certain amount of assertiveness can be sexy but if you go overboard, it makes you look like a scared little boy trying to hold on to his toy. Confidence is sexy. Be confident that your wife is so satisfied with you that she couldn't possibly want anybody else. And you are seriously worried about her BROTHER? Gross!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

OP, get help now. You are more than controlling, if this is real.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

I agree that this is obsessive. Were you cheated on before?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

He raised his fist "no cucks in here!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

Some pretty aggressive/hostile responses to a post questioning the possible severity of the posters aggressiveness. That is ironic and telling. I can be baited by the gay comments, the insecure comments, the general hostile nature of many of the posts but guess what? I am not the insecure over-aggressive jerk I seem to be coming across as. 

I don't tell my wife where she can go and who she can see or be friends with. I just ask her to respect my feelings on it. I also don't like ANYONE in my house when I am not there unless I know about it. That is not me giving her permission or telling her not to have anyone there, but is simply me saying I want to know who is in my house and when. 

I will seek out therapy and seriously think about whatever root causes there are to how I feel. But really, if I were such a controlling **** I would not even be questioning myself in this.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Unless you are telling the OP that he might be homosexual, please welcome to the 21st century and don't use offensive language like this.
> 
> OP - A certain amount of assertiveness can be sexy but if you go overboard, it makes you look like a scared little boy trying to hold on to his toy. Confidence is sexy. Be confident that your wife is so satisfied with you that she couldn't possibly want anybody else. And you are seriously worried about her BROTHER? Gross!


It isn't a worry or even anything I ever think about. At all. But when I come home and there is a man in my house that I did not expect to be there, I get a rush of adrenaline and start to feel really aggressive. I am not ok with feeling that way. 

I know some of you guys think I am trolling or making this up. I come from an unusual background that I won't get to far into. My mother in law is a self-professed *****, my brother in law (who I beat down) is currently in jail for attempted murder (not me lol). It is a different culture with a system of dominance and if you are thought of as weak you are ground under. 

Suffice to say I am comfortable having an edge on me at all times. I really don't want to be the kind of ******* that makes everyone feel threatened when they are around me. Things like that I want to lose without losing my edge. I don't know how to do it. I can recognize irrational reactions but that doesn't mean I have exact emotional control over them. I dunno, this might have been the wrong place to bring this stuff up.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

The place to bring it up is with a professional counselor.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ohno said:


> It isn't a worry or even anything I ever think about. At all. But when I come home and there is a man in my house that I did not expect to be there, I get a rush of adrenaline and start to feel really aggressive. I am not ok with feeling that way.


It's good that the feeling makes you uncomfortable. The solution to that is to deal with your feelings. You shouldn't attack your brother-in-law because you didn't know he was at your house. You should recognize that your house is your wife's house, too. She should be free to have her family over unexpectedly without telling them to circle the block until she can reach you to receive permission so that you don't attack them when you come home.



> I come from an unusual background that I won't get to far into. ... It is a different culture with a system of dominance and if you are thought of as weak you are ground under.


If you're living the "thug life," then I suggest you get out of the hood. Move to a suburban, or rural, area where people don't use violence, or the threat of violence, to earn respect.



> Suffice to say I am comfortable having an edge on me at all times. I really don't want to be the kind of ******* that makes everyone feel threatened when they are around me. Things like that I want to lose without losing my edge. I don't know how to do it. I can recognize irrational reactions but that doesn't mean I have exact emotional control over them. I dunno, this might have been the wrong place to bring this stuff up.


It's fine to bring it up here. You asked and we answered. You were irrational and unreasonable. Attacking your wife's family for coming over unannounced is crossing the line. Implicitly threatening another man who gave your wife a ride home, while chaperoned by her family, is also unreasonable. If the man had been in your house, with your wife, alone, then the hard handshake would have been OK.

The key to reining in your emotions is to recognize when they are unreasonable. You may still want to attack her brother. But, if you recognize that it's unreasonable, you will be much less likely to act on your feelings.

Good luck.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Scary. I would be seriously turned off by such overbearing behaviour.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

See ladies, this is controlling. Don't know if it's real but it is controlling.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

PHTlump said:


> then I suggest you get out of the hood. Move to a suburban, or rural, area where people don't use violence, or the threat of violence, to earn respect.


Now that's funny


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

ohno said:


> My wife got a ride home from her moms (about 20 miles away) from some "dood" her mom knows. The mom was along for the ride or there would have been an issue. I don't know the guy.
> 
> They showed up on time and her mom was in the car and as my wife got out I greeted her and walked briskly to the drivers side. Dood had his window rolled down. I extended my hand and squeezed the **** out of his while staring intensely into his eyes and with a grin said calmly, "Thank you for riding my wife home, Sir. She is VERY important to me." He said, "uh, ya" and they left. My wife said I might as well have put a gun in his face and threatened him. I told her I was marking my territory and being a gentleman in the process.
> 
> ...


Definitely WAY too far.

Her brother and Step-Father....really? Sorry but you are coming across as an a$$. I'm not being mean, just blunt.

If my sister had a husband who got up in my face because I was over her house without him knowing, I'd seriously push her to divorce him, he obviously is WAY to possessive at an unhealthy level.

Should you establish boundaries in a relationship...definitely.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It doesn't look like the posters on this thread have spent any time in the CWI section. Lol


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

Insecure possessive issues you have. Work on them you should, or p*ss on everything like a dog you shall. The only thing you get from doing so is making everything stink.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> It's good that the feeling makes you uncomfortable. The solution to that is to deal with your feelings. You shouldn't attack your brother-in-law because you didn't know he was at your house. You should recognize that your house is your wife's house, too. She should be free to have her family over unexpectedly without telling them to circle the block until she can reach you to receive permission so that you don't attack them when you come home.


Its not PERMISSION it is just "hey so and so is here visiting" and I am like, "Ok cool, hopefully he'll stay for dinner". I can see why that seems controlling and can stop it. Besides, I never attacked my brother in law. He is a 26 year old wanna be thug with a big mouth and when I didn't tolerate his mouth he flicked a cigarette butt at me so I threw a rock in his face and jumped on him. He is someone I have tried to help by finding him jobs and so forth and when I give him a ride through my neighborhood (back to his place or whatever) he whistles at any pretty girl and starts **** with anyone who happens to look at the car as we ride past. He starts fights with strangers, uses his girlfriends as punching bags. He his a pos and I treat him like one, plain and simple. 



> If you're living the "thug life," then I suggest you get out of the hood. Move to a suburban, or rural, area where people don't use violence, or the threat of violence, to earn respect.


Ya I live in magic land where I can just wish for that **** and it happens. 



> It's fine to bring it up here. You asked and we answered. You were irrational and unreasonable. Attacking your wife's family for coming over unannounced is crossing the line.


 See above. There is a difference between attacking and aggressively defensing myself. He is a pos with warrants (now in jail) and I don't want that kind of attention drawn to my house. None the less, because he is my wifes brother I would tolerate him being there if I knew he was there. 



> Implicitly threatening another man who gave your wife a ride home, while chaperoned by her family, is also unreasonable. If the man had been in your house, with your wife, alone, then the hard handshake would have been OK.


 Ok, you are right about that. 



> The key to reining in your emotions is to recognize when they are unreasonable. You may still want to attack her brother. But, if you recognize that it's unreasonable, you will be much less likely to act on your feelings.
> 
> Good luck.


It is not always easy to know when ones emotions are unreasonable. I think the way I acted towards the father in law was unreasonable. I didn't attack him, I was just not friendly. The reason he got bit is because he is a dope who doesn't listen when you say, "Hey my rotty got loose, you need to sit on the couch a minute while we round him up and not make any sudden moves until we have the dog secured again". So what does he do but jump off the couch and play-chase one of my kids across the living room?


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

btw not everyone lives in happy suburban land with a 60k+ a year job and the normal rules of civility apply. My in laws and most of the people I know are not upper middle class citizens, they are bikers and thugs and addicts and dealers and so on. I have struggled in my life to get away from that **** and to keep my family away from it so I have a natural revulsion to my in laws and many former friends. I can't ask my wife to disown her family so as a result I have to deal with criminals and **** in my house and I really want to know when they are actually here. 

Whoever is selling the magic pill to turn into another human being of higher social status, please send me a pm. Otherwise I guess TAM is reserved for the upper middle class and viewpoints from outside that are going to be met with hostility. 

I have a better idea of how to separate irrational and rational emotions and reactions now, but nothing really culturally appropriate.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

btw I am a little offended that people think this is not real or trolling. I pretended a little when I first came on here to be a little more like what other posters seem, but to be honest, pretending is no way to get practical and realistic answers.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ohno said:


> Whoever is selling the magic pill to turn into another human being of higher social status, please send me a pm. Otherwise I guess TAM is reserved for the upper middle class and viewpoints from outside that are going to be met with hostility.


U-Haul: Your moving and storage resource
No magic pill needed.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

ohno said:


> .... Besides, I never attacked my brother in law. He is a 26 year old wanna be thug with a big mouth and when I didn't tolerate his mouth he flicked a cigarette butt at me so I threw a rock in his face and jumped on him....


I believe the rock throwing and jumping him would be considered an attack in most circles.



ohno said:


> He is someone I have tried to help by finding him jobs and so forth and when I give him a ride through my neighborhood (back to his place or whatever) he whistles at any pretty girl and starts **** with anyone who happens to look at the car as we ride past. He starts fights with strangers, uses his girlfriends as punching bags. He his a pos and I treat him like one, plain and simple. ....
> 
> .... There is a difference between attacking and aggressively defensing myself. He is a pos with warrants (now in jail) and I don't want that kind of attention drawn to my house.
> 
> The reason he got bit is because he is a dope who doesn't listen when you say, "Hey my rotty got loose, you need to sit on the couch a minute while we round him up and not make any sudden moves until we have the dog secured again". So what does he do but jump off the couch and play-chase one of my kids across the living room?


At least its always someone else's fault.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> U-Haul: Your moving and storage resource
> No magic pill needed.


The magic pill is for the killer job and the downpayment on the new house and so on. If you think you can just up and move when you are already fighting to pay your bills, your crazy.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

I think the point would be that, judging by your behavior, you're not exactly acting of much "higher social status" than the people you're hostile to. I think you can see that.

One measure of social class is how well you govern your emotional responses rather than immediately bowing up to everything that may in some remote way be perceived as a threat. In the same manner, it takes more class to bite your tongue. It takes even more class to recognize this isn't weakness but rather strength.

Now personally, a guy I think is a POS thug who has served jail time won't be welcome in my house period, whether he's my wife's family or not... and I'd make that clear to my wife. You can love family and still not trust them, and I wouldn't trust someone like that enough to have them in my home at all.

Roll around with trash and you pick up the smell.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

ohno said:


> The magic pill is for the killer job and the downpayment on the new house and so on. If you think you can just up and move when you are already fighting to pay your bills, your crazy.


As someone who came from the gutter... it wasn't money that got me out. It was cutting those people loose and deciding to not act like them. I got where I am today financially well after that.

Its easier to climb without the weight.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

ChelseaBlue said:


> I believe the rock throwing and jumping him would be considered an attack in most circles.


What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police? He would have been arrested on outstanding warrants and I would have been to blame (by his fam and my wife) for getting him put in jail. To some people, calling the police on them is far more damaging to them than simply physically dominating them. Having a reputation of "don't **** with him" in many many situations is far safer than having the reputation of "he is a snitch". So the short version, here, calling the cops would have been a much more serious "attack" than what I actually did. 



> At least its always someone else's fault.


No the thing with the father in law is my fault regardless of anything else, I have to own that. I have to own anything that happens in my house to anyone, which is why I like to know who is there and when.


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

ohno said:


> What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police?


I get the no police thing. To my thinking you tell him to p*ss off and that his disrespectful sorry @ss isn't welcome anymore. At that point, you've drawn the line and can physically enforce your boundaries if he decides to be a punk. Close the door and leave him in the summer heat. You don't really have to pursue it.

Think about it. You're concerned about calling the police because of outstanding warrants and social pressure? That says pretty loudly that these people shouldn't be anywhere near you. Leave the garbage at the curb.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I think the point would be that, judging by your behavior, you're not exactly acting of much "higher social status" than the people you're hostile to. I think you can see that.
> 
> One measure of social class is how well you govern your emotional responses rather than immediately bowing up to everything that may in some remote way be perceived as a threat. In the same manner, it takes more class to bite your tongue. It takes even more class to recognize this isn't weakness but rather strength.
> 
> ...


Not welcome in your house period? According to the people in this thread that makes you a control freak. "zomg, her own brother!" 

Thanks for the post, it makes a lot of sense. The rule for years was "no bil" in the house. His mom and sister and step-dad rallied to his cause and lobbied constantly "he is doing so much better, hes not the same kid..." I know an active addict when I see one and this guy only got worse and worse. He is a player who has a bunch of kids with a bunch of different women who all live on the govt cheese, doesnt work, doesnt pay child support, and shacks up with one babies momma while sleeping with the others until she gets tired of it and kicks him out at which point he just moves in with another babies momma. I been working my **** off for years trying to support my family and this pos is made a hero and I am made out to be HITLER, the villain, the bad guy. So I finally gave in with the caveat that I have to know when this pos is gonna be at my house and I really don't wanna be around him. Rule not followed. I get mad. 

Your advice about keeping my mouth shut is good. I have to tell myself that over and over again, "just shut up". To the oint of leavingthe room sometimes. But then leaving the room is taken as a form of rudeness at pos kin and therefore "controlling behavior".


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Go to costco and get one of those $250 dvr/camera setups. I know you're dealing with family but honestly you're playing with fire trying to micromanage all these characters. You're gonna drive yourself crazy with all this stress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I get the no police thing. To my thinking you tell him to p*ss off and that his disrespectful sorry @ss isn't welcome anymore. At that point, you've drawn the line and can physically enforce your boundaries if he decides to be a punk. Close the door and leave him in the summer heat. You don't really have to pursue it.
> 
> Think about it. You're concerned about calling the police because of outstanding warrants and social pressure? That says pretty loudly that these people shouldn't be anywhere near you. Leave the garbage at the curb.


Well I got the butt flicked at me when I told him to get the f out. I guess I overreacted at that point but imo, minus being able to quickly choke him out, the best defensive is a solid offense.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ohno said:


> What should I have done? Gave him a paternal scolding and told him to leave my property NOW or he is trespassing and I will call the police? He would have been arrested on outstanding warrants and I would have been to blame (by his fam and my wife) for getting him put in jail. To some people, calling the police on them is far more damaging to them than simply physically dominating them. Having a reputation of "don't **** with him" in many many situations is far safer than having the reputation of "he is a snitch". So the short version, here, calling the cops would have been a much more serious "attack" than what I actually did.


You do both. You defend your ground, incapacitate the aggressor, call the police and press charges. It's not being a snitch, it's protecting your family. People willing to dip in the realm of violence are willing to dip into the realms of additional friends and weaponry. I say get it on the record.




ohno said:


> No the thing with the father in law is my fault regardless of anything else, I have to own that. I have to own anything that happens in my house to anyone, which is why I like to know who is there and when.


Serious.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ohno said:


> btw not everyone lives in happy suburban land with a 60k+ a year job and the normal rules of civility apply. My in laws and most of the people I know are not upper middle class citizens, they are bikers and thugs and addicts and dealers and so on. I have struggled in my life to get away from that **** and to keep my family away from it so I have a natural revulsion to my in laws and many former friends. I can't ask my wife to disown her family so as a result I have to deal with criminals and **** in my house and I really want to know when they are actually here.


You can get away from it, and you don't have to go around those type of family members all the time or have them in your ear. And protect your household and family no matter where you are. I understand the dynamic and the challenges. With this country most people do have the opportunity to pull themself up and into a much better situation.




ohno said:


> Whoever is selling the magic pill to turn into another human being of higher social status, please send me a pm. Otherwise I guess TAM is reserved for the upper middle class and viewpoints from outside that are going to be met with hostility.


I understand your viewpoint having grown and lived there. I know it's nearly impossible while you are "in there" to live by the rules of middleclass to rich. LIke you said, any sign of weakness or overly niceness and it's taken advantage of or trampled to dust.




ohno said:


> I have a better idea of how to separate irrational and rational emotions and reactions now, but nothing really culturally appropriate.


I would tell anyone in the area's where there is high crime, high violence to get out as soon as you can. Of course someone has to live in there... And you may not be able to get out right away, but you have to make a plan.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

life101 said:


> Did you also tell her to go into the kitchen and make you a sammich afterwards?


:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
HAHAHAHAHA.. sammich I spell that exactly the same way. There is regular sand which (the nice way) and the white t-shirt with a beer version, where's my sammich??! Woman! (sarcasm).


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

"riginally Posted by PHTlump View Post


then I suggest you get out of the hood. Move to a suburban, or rural, area where people don't use violence, or the threat of violence, to earn respect.





Kobo said:


> Now that's funny


The hood? Really? Not that funny when you live in it yourself not all stero types are true. Wow so living in a "thug" neighborhood now your thug GEEZUS. You know most people that live in neighborhoods that aren't what you classified as "suburban" are mostly hard working families that are trying to get ahead, and the knuckle heads that pass through are some of the gang memebers that on occassion will start something which no one wants their neighborhood, no on wants that in their neighborhood. I know it is suppose to be a joke but when you know people that have been hurt or killed etc etc it's not funny.And there are a lot things that people don't realise unless they lived it. How do I know this? Oh because I actually lived in it. SMH


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You do both. You defend your ground, incapacitate the aggressor, call the police and press charges. It's not being a snitch, it's protecting your family. People willing to dip in the realm of violence are willing to dip into the realms of additional friends and weaponry. I say get it on the record.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have no personal moral problems with "being a snitch", but you have to realize that on one hand being labeled a snitch puts a target on your back and on the other hand it would cause incredible damage to my relations with my wife. I'm not going to do a bunch of talking here but I am pretty well set up in terms of the kinds of resources you are talking about. Lets say "Bob" comes from the other side of town and starts trouble on my block- I am there to help put "Bob" down. But if I call the police on some "Bob" then when Bobs friends show up no one is going to help put them down. 

The kicker is I don't trust the police. There are a lot of reasons for that. Good ones. You call the cops on "Bob" instead of splitting his wig and kicking him down the stairs, and suddenly the cops are looking up the assess of everyone that shows their face within a 500 yard radius. "Oh you have a joint in your pocket Miss? Your going to jail." ..."Oh Sir, you have a warrant on some outstanding parking tickets from 5 years ago? Your under arrest." "Oh, Ma'am your vehicle registration is a day past due? Even though it is inspected and drives just fine and obviously has your ****ing baby seats in it, it is an abandoned vehicle according to PA vehicle code 3067.5c, that is a $2,000 fine and we tow the vehicle NOW. Oh you need it for work? TOO BAD." Or even that hustler who you helped out of being stuck in the snow a year ago and he knows your name and always "checks in" on you when he sees you talking to anyone strange on the block (like giving a lost car some directions), "yo, you aigt?", he has your back and you know it. Ya he leaves your kids alone and works DOWN THERE when you guys live UP HERE because he don't **** where he sleeps, he just ****ing loves it when you got cops crawling all over the place. and on and on. and on. Nope. No police.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

treyvion said:


> You can get away from it, and you don't have to go around those type of family members all the time or have them in your ear. And protect your household and family no matter where you are. I understand the dynamic and the challenges. With this country most people do have the opportunity to pull themself up and into a much better situation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for the understanding.  You wanna hear the kicker? I am working for a PI Firm for ok money (not enough..not enough) but it almost pays the bills (lol) and with some side work we get by. While I am doing that I am studying for my 120. In other words, the Police Academy. Working with the PI firm I have made a lot of LE contacts, though they are NOT in my neighborhood and once I finish the academy I will have a decent career. Ya I don't trust cops. I hate copishness. But after a lot of soul searching I am thinking the best way to change something is by trying to change it from the inside. At least trying to be a good example. Call it **** or ghetto or whatever but I love my community and the people in it and really feel like I would find it rewarding if I could work ere or somewhere like here in a capacity where I can actually help people. Ok, enough cornyness from me


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