# codependency, low self-esteem and addiction



## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi Friends,
This is my first post. I have been lurking for about three weeks, reading the posts/threads of ReGroup and StayStrong. Through my reading on TAM, I found great value in the contributions of everybody, including KC, Chuck71, Stella, 2ntnuf, etc. This place is a lifesaver for me.
I feel it’s time to just start my own thread and get with the program.
Here’s my current situation:
I suffer from codependency, low self-esteem and addiction.
I had the most beautiful wife my eyes could have imagined. We we’re married in the Ivory Coast. They speak French there. So I became a Frenchie and got with this girl and low and behold, we got married back in 92. 
Our marital life was a blast. She was just sooo fkking fine…..Now keep in mind, I am mixed. Mom from Germany, Dad from West Africa (RCI). I was also brought up a Mormon (sorry to spill some A1 on this steak…)
I converted her from the Muslim faith to the Mormon faith and we had our first son. With the trouble in the country and war breaking out, I fled to the US. I applied for help and was granted to bring my wife and family here to the US from Africa.
We’ve had our last child D9 in the US. We’ve lived an awesome life IMHO, visiting the outdoors, travelling, Disneyland, NYC, Washington, Hollywood… We had a great life as far as I can see…
But then again, problems started to creep up.
I guess I’ll be forthcoming with more details in later posts, for now, here is the situation:
My wife has left me. She left with our three children. She now lives across the street from me and I live in the old 3 bdroom. I will move to a smaller place soon.
I love her to death but she has a protection order out on me for one year. I am ordered to follow domestic violence treatment in order to come before a Family Court and claim the right to talk to my children.
My version is that I admit the wrongdoing. I should have never slapped her. 

PS.: She should have never cheated on me.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

You're obviously in counseling, yes?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Shoulda woulda coulda.

So, are you doing the program?


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Wow.

Brave first post. I hope you give some information on how the slap came about. Never excusable to hit your wife. No matter if she cheated. I guess there is a lot more to your story to come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

I am not doing counseling. I have always refused that. Didn't think it could help... Maybe I should reconsider...
I am doing Group therapy, sessions in which folks like me (alcoholics, Violent Men, Addicts) confess their sins... I have to do 26 sessions. I am at #2.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Re-read your initial post in this thread. I find it hard to believe IC could do any harm.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Confessing your sins is one thing. Dealing with the issues that led to them is another.

Tell us how things came to be the way they are and hopefully we can help you but yes, you should reconsider counselling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

@KC, 
It's an honor to see you respond to my post. I admire your interventions. Just like SS, I have a bad case of One-itis. but I am in Limbo right now. I don't know whether she actually 'did' it or if it is an reflex behavior...dunno whether she's gonna ask the D or not. Heck I dunno whether I want her back, after the stuff I discovered...
W just graduated as a RN, and I payed for it and helped her mostly through the Psych classes. I am really twisted... but that may just be my problem. 
Good to have folks to talk to. You here are really brave and I need some of your strength...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JusteMoi said:


> I am doing Group therapy, sessions in which folks like me (alcoholics, Violent Men, Addicts) confess their sins... I have to do 26 sessions. I am at #2.


Is this the court mandated one?

I would think you would want to do anything and everything you need to in order to get to see your kids again.

You wife......a lot more info is needed before we could say whether you should even be with her. She cheated......how has that been addressed?


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Hope, 
Yes, It is court mandated. The cheating is as of now only sexual text messages & FB post I discovered. There could be more being that she travelled recently to the place where these folks (pluriel) live. I have no clue but what I read and saw (Skype transcripts & more).
She claims she doesnt't want to adress these issues as she is over it. I hit here and that is it. She says with all due right that I have not made her happy during the last couple of years, that I became reclusive and not the one she married. She is right. But do we have to seperate over this? I beg to differ. 
No I want to hate her. I just have a hard time doing it.... I will work on myself. get a dog, new place, white teeth, and dress to impress.. I know I can do it.. but my convictions in life are falling all apart....


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Ha. I am as messed up as anyone here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

That's the right approach but only if doing it for yourself. I tried doing it for "her" major fail. Especially so if codependant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JusteMoi said:


> She claims she doesnt't want to adress these issues as she is over it. I hit here and that is it. She says with all due right that I have not made her happy during the last couple of years, that I became reclusive and not the one she married. She is right.


So, she says that it's your fault she cheated, and SHE is over it and so that is that?!?! Really.

No way should you have hit her, and I really hope you do get the help you need for that, and get to see your kids again soon. But, I am sorry, SHE cheated. That is all on HER. With the attitude she has, move on and do not look back. Learn from this and get help with your anger issues, but also learn how to not be a doormat to another woman. Learn how to stand up for yourself assertively, not aggressively. It is NEVER the fault of the betrayed spouse when they get cheated on. NEVER.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks Hope, your words are very soothing to my ears. I acknowledge my mistakes but I must admit that I am not the only one at fault here. I read that in recovery it is not good to spill blame so I won't, Even on her, but I am struggling with this sole motto in my head right now: I do not get mad, I get even !!!


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## 54189 (Feb 28, 2013)

It sounds like you need to handle your anger managment problems before you worry about whether she is cheating or not.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JusteMoi said:


> I do not get mad, I get even !!!


WRONG. :redcard: :redcard: :redcard:

You do not get even. You get HELP.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

How is that Wolowitz, respectfully ?!?


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

I had my own opinion of IC. I am mnot a proponent. But on this board I read pro and Vs accounts of IC so I do not feel compelled at all to seek IC. It costs a bunch too right???


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My IC didn't cost a cent. Through our group plans at work.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

What Wolowitz means is that you focus on your internal issues, before anything else... Nothing else matters.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

I guess I need to do just that!
Will let you know...

Thanks People!


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

IC may be covered by your insurance. You should check it out.  Maybe just try one session and see what you think.

Sometimes, when there's an issue this big, you have to step outside of our comfort zone.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

JusteMoi said:


> I had my own opinion of IC. I am mnot a proponent. But on this board I read pro and Vs accounts of IC so I do not feel compelled at all to seek IC. It costs a bunch too right???


A large part of the reason my marriage is ending is because my wife had too much stubborn pride to go to marriage counseling, much less IC. In the last year, it's been one of the most helpful things toward getting my own head back on straight, and regaining control of my own life.

Don't sell it short. Most medical plans will pay for counseling... In-network, it's often a $15 or $20 co-pay for a an office visit. Find a good counselor, and it'll be well worth the money spent.


Pb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

C'est dingue, mon ami. C'est la malédiction des femmes françaises.

If you slapped her you should apologize. Especially if you had not found out any evidence of cheating. I slapped my wife once. I was at my wit's end.. she was leaving me, splitting our family up and trying to introduce our children to POSOM just a few weeks after our separation. Honestly sometimes someone just deserves a good slap. Sorry but it's true. Let's not go crazy making a statement about physical abuse. You're on American/UK site and they are steadfastly against these kinds of things. Many continental Europeans are more understanding, especially if the know the provocations of French women. But watch your step..you had no real cause.

Go to IC. It's just talking to someone. What can you have against that? You need a pro right now. 

You mentioned life was fantastic then problems starting creeping in. What were those problems? Was it upon moving back? Did you get reclusive after immigrating to Afrique?

PS - sounds like she is having sex with someone else. I'm sorry.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Merci SS,
En effet, ma femme parle Francais. elle est Africaine.Mais elle ne se comporte pas en tant que telle aujourd'hui...

Anyways, I have already come a long way. I am in sooo deep s**t, & I feel so miserable, folks, I can't tell ya.

I am not going to off myself cuz I alwys believed that whteva happens, Life goes on and beauty and joy awaits us...
But I am so fkng miserable folks. Sorry I am venting but I have to. This s**t is so tough! I know I gotta do me and get a grip but folks, I'm really lost....

3 children. A wife I loved forever. A religion (LDS) that made me dislike all religions. A natural herb (MJ) I truly believe until this day, God gave to men for purified inspiration.

What have I done wrong, Lord???? I am soooo lost. 
Restraining order won't let me communicate with W & kids. I have fk nowhere to io go to. I apologize TAM.

I love her to death but I hate her today for what she did. 

I am such a fk mess.........

anyways, i am going to church 2morrow (LDS) my colleague, a member, invited me and I have no place to be right now.... so I accepted.


TAM, I dunno how u do this, I need your help...


P &L,
JusteMoi


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

Dude you have to go to IC and work on yourself. You need help with anger issues and some thought patterns about getting even. I understand those thoughts and such. I am in IC too. Never hit my wife or anybody else. But I thought about it and that was enough for me.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Theo,
I am very reluctant to IC. I am probably in denial. I don't think there's a dang thing wrong with me.
I have been fine for so so long.
I know I messed up but I am not crazy. And I apologize to folks here on TAM, I don't think I need a shrink! I don't wanna do IC. I like my own therapy. I like MJ. She's been good to me. WTF is wrong with that? Other than loosing my wife over it ( that is the reason she quit officially).
2ntnuf,
I just read 2ntnuf's reply and I appreciate it. As said, I am very afraid of IC. I have to do mandatory Group therapy once a week 4 24 weeks. I can't talk to W bcz of the restraining order. I miss her to death but I dunno whether I want her back. I still see her flirting with dudes (ex's) on Facebook.

I understand that I have to find my true self. I am trying that. 

I'll let you know what it came to....


P & L


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## Theo123 (Mar 15, 2013)

IC is not for crazy people; institutions are for crazy people. If you don't want help then there is nothing anybody can do for you till you acknowledge your own issues. You hit the woman and then talked on here about "getting even." 

You seem to have some idealized view of yourself as some perfectly balanced person, and that anybody who sees a counselor is weak. Well, only the strong ask for help. What it means to be human is to be dependent on a wide range of people and other creatures; and that means asking for help and not pretending you are strong. You hit the woman and have a restraining order on you. You blame her for it and think "sorry" will do; it won't. 

There is a big difference between going to mandatory therapy and voluntarily going to an individual counselor.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

_"What is the first business of one who practices philosophy? To get rid of self-conceit. For it is impossible for anyone to begin to learn that which he thinks he already knows."_ *- Epictetus.*



JusteMoi said:


> I am very reluctant to IC. I am probably in denial. I don't think there's a dang thing wrong with me.
> I have been fine for so so long.


No. You haven't been.

Of course you haven't been, otherwise you wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't be attending a court-mandated group therapy session, now would you?

Here's what's wrong with you...

*You hit your wife.* It doesn't matter how you hit her, or why you hit her, or how often you hit her. In my state, Domestic Battery is at least a Class A Misdemeanor which carries a possible sentence of up to one year in jail and a fine of up to $2,500.

*You are addicted to a drug.* Marijuana may be a natural herb, but that's like saying asbestos is a natural rock. Lot's of things are natural herbs... hemlock is, poison ivy is, crabgrass is, rhododendrons are... that doesn't mean it's good for you to eat them or to burn them and inhale the resulting smoke. It doesn't matter what YOU think of marijuana. In most places, the COURTS think it's an illegal drug. In my state, depending on how much you are caught with, possession of less than 2.5 grams of marijuana (just one joint!) is a Class C misdemeanor, punishable by a jail term of up to 30 days.

*In the United States, either one of these two things alone is enough justification for any court to allow her to divorce you, and to grant her sole legal and physical custody of your children.*

Now, on top of that, you are showing some narcissistic tendencies... 

You are showing a distinct lack of empathy and sympathy for your wife and your children.
You refuse to truly admit to the part you played in the failure of your marriage.
You refuse to take responsibility for the mistakes you've made. 
You've been shifting the blame for those mistakes, instead of accepting it.
You refuse to do take the necessary steps to ensure that these mistakes won't happen again.

Those are the sorts of things that lead to the "Irreconcilable Differences" that are the reason 90-something percent of divorces happen in this country.

Get. Your. $#!+. Together.


Pb.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

All,
Here's an update (sorry I am not very consistent in posting):
I appreciate the "REAL TALK" I get here on TAM. Sometimes it's hard to read but I always felt like folks here are genuine and I need to hear the truth.
I won't go too deep into what my emotional state was like the last 2 months because it is similar to what most of you have or are experiencing.
In my case the main facts were that wife was complaining about too much drinking & consumption of MJ...
We lived like that for several years. The breaking point came when I slapped her because of my discovery of affairs.
Restraining order followed and I am living in limbo not knowing whether a R or a D will follow.
I went through hell and then followed self-enlightenment, realizing I have to be comfortable with who I am and what I believe in, NO matter what anybody else thinks. I've been working on that for a while but the last two days I had a breakthrough.
I always considered my wife as super duper sexy! My kinda woman. But I always looked at myself as very attractive (I'm 42, half-black, half-white and looking 35  )
So after a couple days of terrible depression, I opened up bit by bit to folks close to me (work, friends) about my situation.

Long story short, I feel like I am overcoming my codependency because I spent the last 2 days bonding emotionally and dang sure sexually with a beautiful coworker. For some reason I felt that I could tell her about my situation and as soon as I did I felt she was totally into me (this hadn't occured b4 because I was unavailable).
She happened to travel on business from her work location to the headquarters where I work and we totally hit it off, thus allowing me to swap the memories of me and my wife with new memories. I am now constantly thinking of this new woman. None of us is seeing any future (she's in a relationship with a boyfriend) but at this point we don't plan and go with the flow.
My point is that dating her for two days increased my self-confidence by 300%.
Some of you must have been going through this type of stuff. Is it ok to feel like I am feeling? I don't feel like I avenged myself (that was not my intention) but having the opportunity to forget or get over your ex via another partner feels like a blessing for me.

I just feel soooo great. I never knew this could happen. 17 years of marriage made me think that I cannot be with another woman ever. I was wrong! I now have been and feeling love from someone great after you got dumped is bliss!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You think becoming someone's posOM will help you overcome codependence?


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Hmmm.... I haven't thought of it that way...She kinda came right on to me and mentioned that her relationship is nothing serious...more like roommates. 
Anyways, I know I'm acting selfishly. But it feels good right now. She's leaving today and I won't see her for another 4-5 months. So my intent is not to wreck a couple. I just enjoy the feeling of being loved and appreciated. I know I am not dealing with my codependent personality this way but honestly I like it that way and I dunno whether I want to become fully emotionally dependent on only me.
I got more thinking and work to do. I admit.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

You feel better because someone else thinks well of you? Nothing wrong with an ego stroke but to say that in the same sentence almost as you say you are overcoming codependency? You self confidence went up 300% because you gained external validation. 

IMO, so long as this woman is in a relationship, you should be NC with her anyway.

Keep the self-confidence. But don't depend on her to provide it.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Thanks K.C., 
You are right. I will not depend on anybody but myself to increase and maintain my self-confidence. I just really like the ego stroke...(don't blame me for it)
I have a clearer mind now to continue working on myself.

On a different note, I am using all kinds of stuff to reprogram my brain and consequently my thoughts and emotions.
The latest tool that I've been using is a software called 'Subliminal Blaster'. Since I look at a screen all day at work, I installed it on my computer and configured it to flash selected constructive messages to my subconscious mind all day. 
Have any of you tried similar approaches? It's almost like self-hypnosis and I like it so far.

Thanks for all your input.
I'm on my way UP!


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

It's Easter. I am reminded of how I used to spend Easter. Pretty much the same way ever since I can remember. Easter Bunny, hidden eggs, good family times...and of course, Church and the Resurrection of JC.

I mostly miss the Family time. I did this with my Parents. Then with my children. 
Today I am alone and it sucks.

I went out with buddies yesterday. Trying to keep some social interaction going. 

2ntnuf, I am trying to be very open and engaged in group therapy. I will open up about my 'affair' next week in group therapy, see what everybody thinks. I'll report back and we'll assess.

I feel that my challenge these last two months was to get over my wife. She cut my belly open, threw me off the cliff and said:"Go fix yourself!"
I know I got my issues to fix, but then again, this situation escalated only because I found out about her indiscretions. 
Yes, I misbehaved, Yes, I made the wrong choice and placed my hand on her. Yes, I totally lost it that day.
But even after all that, separation, Restraining Order, NC w/wife &kids...I cannot get over the cheating and I cannot get over the love I have for her either. All my entourage assures me that she doesn't want me anymore. That I should move on. So I expect to get served a divorce filing any day now. I still cannot belive she's doing this. I secretly wish that she will hit a brick wall one day and realize wtf she threw away...
But then, I have to get over her if I want to stay alive.
So that is where the OW comes into play. 

I want to be ready for D-day. I'm not yet!

Thanks again TAM 4 keeping it real.


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## JusteMoi (Mar 11, 2013)

Some news about me, sorry I am being so irregular.

My wife went to court and petitioned to modify the RO out against me so that I could be able to see my kids under supervision. She mentioned that the kids suffer terribly for two months now cuz of the absence of their father.
The court denied her request.
I eventually found out and was glad that the court did so. No way in the world I want to see my own children under supervision like i'm a felon.
Anyways, I still struggle terribly. She was the One for me. I cannot believe what is happening. 
I still love her as much as I ever did. I just cannot be with somebody I cannot trust. And if anything, she demonstrated that to me. I know I have my own weaknesses but everybody does and I do not feel like a failure for it. 
I still am in contact with the OW. Yes TAM, this one is twisted I know...
I have no idea where life will take me and everybody involved but I have reason to believe that things will be okay. No matter what.
I'll get paid tomorrow and will send another check s support for my kids. I have heard threats through a friend that Mrs will blindly ask for divorce if she doesn't see $$$ coming from me. Know that she filed her taxes separately and cashed in big claiming all kids & school expenses I took on. Me, I owe the feds now. She got a brand new car,....sorry i am going of the trail here.
Anyways, I am still here, alive and doing ok. I continue group therapy. I brought up my 'affair' (though i don't consider it as such).
Group asked me if I was aware of the Rebound affair thing and I said certainly. Still feels better for me than crying my a$$ to sleep every day. I continue working out, going out with friends and planning fun things for me. I don't have a choice but doing me.
Ok I haven't told you why I lost my kids.
On breakup day, I posted some suicidal pix on FB. I pic saying GoodBye world and a bottle of pills. Wife brought that uin court @ the hearing and the judge agreed that i am a danger to my kids!
Just ranting a bit here TAM. Sorry but you guys are really cool and I feel I can be true here.

P & L


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Hey there JusteMoi,

Do you know what is required of you to regain access to the kids? That would be my no 1 priority by far.

She will file if she doesn't see $?.. err screw that. You have legal advice about that? IMO she wants to file she should file. Not effectively blackmail you. You really think she doesn't fully intend to file but just whenever actually suits her best? She is either willing to work on things if you fix your issues or she isnt. that line of thinking though is complete BS!

You know what we think re OW. It may feel like it's helping but if one thing becomes clear from time on TAM, this sort of shyt is merely papering over the cracks. You don't help yourself in the long run.

Ego boots from women is natural but you really haven't overcome any CD issues while needing to cling to this OW to feel any self worth. It sure is harder to battle your demons alone but pretending they aren't there doesn't actually make them go away. I closed my eyes and sand lalalalalala while my demons danced around me, believe me, they didn't go away. You have to open our eyes and kick them in the nuts for that to happen.

Question time;

If you want her back, wtf are you messing with another woman for? That is no different than a cake eating wayward in my mind. You want to move on, fine do it, but its one or the other surely? You can't say "i want you back but oh, I have to speak to OW later kthxbye".

I am starting to look for new relations in a casual sense, but only as i have accepted it is over with my stbx and have decided what is right for me is to move on.

One or the other.

In case you missed it btw... no1 priority, getting access to your kids sorted, even if it has to be supervised. Screw the fact that makes you feel bad having to be supervised. Its about the kids and what's right for them. having Dad in their life IS whats right for them. She has already made it clear they miss you. What more motivation do you need?

If you can get supervised access agreed while you fix your shyt, do it for their sake then get yourself sorted so the supervision part can maybe be dropped later. If you don't know what needs to be done to achieve this, why not? 

Kids = no1 priority in my mind every time.


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## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

I rejected the idea of counselling for a long time, Partially I was a little scared that i would discover something about myself that i didn't want to find out, having said that it was absolutely the best thing i ever did, when you talk to your mates mostly they regurgitate your opinions a counsellor has no agenda and helps you see the reality


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