# uncertain



## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

So here is my story. My husband and I have been together for just short of four years and married for three. Just before our second wedding anni mark I found out he had started an affair. When I asked him about it he told me I was having a mental break down and was just going crazy he wasn't doing anything. After a month or so I got proof of the affair and confronted him again this time he didn't completely deny it but still wouldn't admit it. Long story short within two months he walked out.

We have a one year child at the time and I was three months pregnant with our second that we had tried for. Through out the next year he moved in with the girl asked her to marry him and got her pregnant. but while he was doing this he was coming to see me at least three times a week and staying with me once or twice a month. He said he liked and wanted to spend time with me as well as child. Just before our second child was born he came back, the girl had broken things off because of his still being married to me, having no interest in starting a divorce, and the time he was spending with me and our child. 

When our second child was three months old we decided to give things a second chance. It has been three months and things are going well. He has apologized for the things did how he hurt me and our children but I do have some very strong negative feeling towards him from this past year. I want to forgive and get past this but I'm not sure how. I'm not sure how to bring this up with him and not seem like I am just trying to harp on him about everything negative that has happened. I know that I have every right to have negative feeling over things but I also do not want to make him constantly feel bad over everything. I want us to be able to move on and be happy. I love and want this marriage to work.
Any and all help/advice you could give would be appreciated.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Someone a lot smarter than me once said: After you have excepted the truth of the affair and have agreed to forgive and forget (a lot harder)... 

and you continue to drag up the details and confront your spouse over and over, skip the cost of counseling and save your money for a good divorce lawyer, you will need it.


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## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

The thing is I don't drag it up and confront him on it. There are things I want to talk to him about but I haven't yet. We have had one conversation over it the night we decided to try and work things out. Since then I have been to afraid of pushing him away to talk to him about his affair and thing parts of it that are still bothering me. 
I don't think wanting to talk about it with him and try to get past my hurt/negative feeling is a bad thing. I'm just not sure how to bring it up with him. Again I don't think that it is unreasonable or wrong to want to work things out by communicating with him. I'm not looking to make him feel bad or to punish him honestly there are things I NEED answers too in order to move past his affair. 
But thanks for the advice to just give up now when we have just started to work things out.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

RWB said:


> Someone a lot smarter than me once said: After you have excepted the truth of the affair and have agreed to forgive and forget (a lot harder)...
> 
> and you continue to drag up the details and confront your spouse over and over, skip the cost of counseling and save your money for a good divorce lawyer, you will need it.


I don't agree with this and its not what our counselor told us. So the cheater should just expect you to sweep it under the rug, don't bring it up again? Sorry, that simply isn't possible. You will internalize it like you are, and it will come out in other ways. 

In our case, my H was willing to "do whatever it took" maybe that was the test. This was a pretty big betrayal and there is another child involved so I think you are not "harping". What are his intentions with that other child? If he wants to make it work then he will be a partner in this healing, if not, then you need to move on.


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## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

He has said that once the child is born his will petition to have a DNA test done (because he was not the only guy who told the child was theirs) and if it is his child then he wants to be a father to this child along with our two children. I will support him this because I believe every child deserve theirs parents in their life and that no child should be held responsible for their parents actions. 
He has been sweet since he has come back I don't have anything to complain about. It's just that I would like to talk to him about a few things and I'm not sure how to bring it up without sounding like a b****.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

You are not wrong for wanting to have some questions answered. I think how you approach is important, as you said you don't want to seem like a b**ch. Communication is key and it you need to keep that line open. 

For me, our lines of communication had been broken, which unfortunately led to the A.... Anyway, opening them back up and keeping them open is how we've been able to work our marriage out. We are not in the same place we were before the A. 

So, you need to make sure the two of you are communicating. You can explain to him that you don't want to dwell on this A, you want to move on but you have a few questions you need to ask/have answered in order to do so. How you approach it, again, is key. You can explain you don't want to be a b**ch, it's just something you need from him. I would think he would understand or at least be willing to give you what you need to move on since he is the one at fault, etc. In the beginning when my H's A was first discovered, etc. I had to need to talk about it alot. For probably a week straight we talked for 2 or 3 hours an evening after the kids were in bed. Then less and less. Now, not really ever.


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## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

Thank you all for the advice. I think I will try talking to my H again about this weekend when the kids are spending the day with their grandparents. I believe I will be ready to move past it all after I get to tell him that I am still angry but working through it and that I need a couple of final answers about some thing to do so.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Listen to AZMOMOF2. She is very very smart. YOU were the one cheated on. You were told you were crazy, lied to, gaslighted and when he couldn't man up and admit what he did, he walked out on you, moved in with the other woman, asked her to marry him and got her pregnant. His betrayal is breathtaking. YOU have every right to have all your questions answered, your fears addressed and your thoughts processed. Sweeping it under the rug will not be a long term solution. She is absolutely correct that this will breed resentment for the very long term. As the old saying goes "each spouse is 50% responsible for the state of the marriage but a cheater is 100% responsible". He had options if he wasn't happy in the marriage. I have said it before: He took the cowards way out. To be quite frank, if he isn't willing to look within himself and figure out why he did this, do the soul searching for his "reasons" for betraying you and isn't willing to address your needs, fears, total abandonment and be open and honest with you, I would cut my losses and fast. You sound like you are dancing around his needs, don't want to bring anything up that would upset him or make him feel bad. Why? Or rather, why isn't he going to the ends of the earth to do that for you? :scratchhead:


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

:iagree::iagree:


There is a long road of recovery ahead for you. In order to work it out, he has to be humble enough to face what he did like a man (husband and father) and climb the mountain of recovery with you. I used this analogy when I was in therapy for my husband's affairs. I told the therapist, "I can see that [my husband] wants to get to the place where our marriage is healthy and happy but he doesn't want to climb the mountain with me to get there." It is essential that you and your husband make this journey of recovery together. He needs to be there for you! (Through better or for worse, remember?)

I wish you luck in your marriage recovery!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I actually have a practical recommendation for you working_it_out. I would suggest saying to your H exactly what you said to us: 


> I want to forgive and get past this but I'm not sure how. I'm not sure how to bring this up with him and not seem like I am just trying to harp on him about everything negative that has happened. ...I do not want to make him constantly feel bad over everything. I want us to be able to move on and be happy. I love and want this marriage to work.


This is BEAUTIFUL and well-said! 

Then I recommend that you ask if you can ask him 1-2 questions a day and have him answer entirely truthfully. See, a Disloyal Spouse that is coming around does feel bad and guilty, and going over and over it is like dwelling in the past when they were doing hurtful things. To the Loyal Spouse, they are trying to figure out what happened and why...so they *need* to know and be able to talk about it. If you limit it to 2 questions a day (or whatever number works for you), then your H will know that it won't be an Inquisition and last forever, and you will have the security of knowing that there is a time when you can bring it up.


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## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

I followed the advice you all gave me and I'm happy to say he reacted well to it all. He is allowing me to ask the questions and giving me the FULL answers, which isn't always fun because some are hurtful even though they aren't meant to be but well the truth isn't always pretty and I accept that.
But the bottom line is that he is willing to give me the answers that I need. As much as it hurts to have some of those truths I am happier knowing them and we are doing better day to day with the completely open truth policy. 
I think the biggest answer I needed I have now gotten. (I started with the big/hard questions) ie- Why ask her to marry you if you were regretting your choice waking away for the A. 
answer was he was - he had relized what he had destoryed/lost with me and our family and didn't believe he had the right to ask me to try again so he was trying to make this A work out by making it into something.
As much as this hurts me it at least gives me the reason so that I can start to truely understand and work past it.

Again thank you all for helping me in this. I will be posting again I am sure as it's a very long road to recovery in these paths of life.


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## working_it_out (Feb 19, 2010)

So I'm posting again sooner than I had planned. Well the OW has been sending messages to him (which I admit I know about because I checked his email) that she has now had their child and has given it his name and that he needs to be a father etc... 
My big problem now is the extreme anger I have over the fact that he didn't tell me about her messages. He has not responded to any of them but he still should have told me about them. I have told him when we have talked about it that when this day came I would support him in trying to have a relationship with this child if it is in fact his. And that I strongly believe he needs too or at least offer child support because he helped to create this child and no child deserves to be held responsible for the mistakes of their parents. 
He knows that I know about her having that baby because I have gotten messages as well all sent anonymously and I have told him about them as soon as I find them. I do not get angry with him or anything I simply tell him "Hey I got a message this morning saying this.... I have deleted it because I do not want to get involved with the contact because I will only be mean or at least angry with the person.And that doesn't help the situation"
He just tells me "ok that makes since" but then says he has not gotten messages when I know he has and he looks me in the eye and lies. How do I trust him about anything when he lies about this? And when I agreed to try and work it out with him I told him one of the things that MUST happen is for him to tell me whenever there was contact between him and the OW or any of her friends who tried to contact him on her behalf. 
I have not confronted him about it yet because I feel ashamed that I looked at his email without him knowing. I know he will be angry about it but still don't trust him and this just makes me feel like I shouldn't.
Outside of this we are doing well as odd as that sounds. We are talking and spending time together and time with our family and are very happy. But him doing this brings up all of my resentment towards him and makes me want to say f* off you broke your promise again and I'm done. But at the same time I know he hasn't replied so maybe he is just scared that even thought I say I won't be mad that I will be when he tells me. 

(sorry for any grammar errors I have in here I'm still more than A little mad right now)


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

You need to talk to him!! So what if he gets mad you checked his e-mail. He cheated on you and he should know tell you trust him 100% that all accounts all open. My hubby got mad at first when he found out that I check his accounts I just explained that he cheated on me and that me checking is something I need to do to more on and trust him again I haave never found anything and I have almost stoped checking on him. If he loves he will understand.


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