# I can't take much more of this.



## mousecat (Nov 28, 2011)

OK people, it has been a while since I posted and now I think I am finally at the end of my tether and I really need some advice or help.

I will try and keep it brief. I have not had sex since June 2010, when my wife and I conceived our beautiful son who was born in March 2011. We love each other very much but the sex life has completely and utterly died; although I constantly want it, she does not. Ever.

I accepted the lack of sex during pregnancy as some women feel uncomfortable about it. I accepted it also in the weeks and months immediately after birth, because some women are sensitive emotionally and physically after childbirth and that's fine. I have been supportive, helpful and hard-working as a father and husband ever since we got married and especially since becoming parents. I change nappies, get up at night to feed him, I do everything I possibly can to help. It makes NO difference to the lack of sex. I mean NO difference at all. 

But now it is February 2013 and we have STILL not had sex.

There is however a small glimmer of hope. We have had some intimacy and limited sexual activity, ie. mutual masturbation, however even these occasions have been rare blips on a flatline.

I can recall only 2 occasions since June 2012 where I got so far as far putting a condom on, thinking it was about to 'happen'. The first was autumn 2011. It was going well that night, but our baby woke up just as I was about to take the plunge -- and the "moment was gone", and NO amount of convincing would get her back in the mood. Fair enough, I thought, no big deal. 

Except it WAS a big deal because it had been MONTHS since the last sex and I knew it would be MONTHS before she felt like it again. I kept my mouth shut and went to sleep with a huge hard on.

But I was right about it being months. The 2nd occasion of coming close to doing it again was just 4 weeks ago (Jan 2013). It would almost be funny if it weren't so tragic: It was going great, we were both VERY aroused and I removed her underwear and had to stop to put on a condom. Now it gets silly: It had been such a long time since the previous 'attempt' that I'd forgotten exactly where I'd put the condoms! I rummaged in the bedside drawer (in the dark) to find one and and knocked something over, which woke our son in the next room. He cried, but only AFTER I'd got myself 'suited up'. "I'll just be a second" she said, went to sort our son out and came back within 2 minutes, I was FULLY ready to have enormously great sex, laying there with a HUGE erection and condom on. Finally, I thought, we are going to fix this. But no. "Sorry, darling, the moment has gone. I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."

Like it meant nothing. She just switched off without so much as a cuddle or a kiss. Gone. Finished. Forget it. But for me, the moment was NOT gone, and I was NOT ready to go to sleep. Sure enough, I told her my feelings and I was literally CRYING with disappointment. This turned into a big argument and got really out of hand. I slept on the sofa for half the night. She would not speak to me the next morning. 

We had some mutual masturbation on a rare occasion before that, maybe 6 weeks ago. I am now BURSTING with frustration and desperate for some release. She just does not seem to share the same urge for sex that I do, and I'm seriously panicking that maybe we are just not suited.

I have done everything I can think of to fix this, I mean everything from housework to romance, to new clothes and aftershave. It has got to the stage where if I'm nice or affectionate she hurls an accusation that I'm just doing it "because I want sex". AND I DO. Why shouldn't I? I am married to her. She is my wife. Husbands WANT SEX with their wives.

What gauls me is that she simply does not think it's a big deal. It utterly, utterly depresses me and there is NOTHING that I seem able to do about it.

I thought maybe I could set myself a deadline, like if we don't have sex this year we shall have to divorce. But I really don't want that to happen because we are a family with a child whom we both love dearly.

I just want her to feel SOME sort of need for sex like I do. She won't even talk about it because talking about it "makes it an issue." Well here is the news: IT IS AN ISSUE.

God I am so depressed. What can I do about this? Anyone?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You already know what you can do about this, you just don't like the answer.

Barring medical problems there's no reason for it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mousecat said:


> Well here is the news: IT IS AN ISSUE.


I cannot fathom what you are enduring. I know there are so many who have come on these boards and proclaimed "marriage is more than sex" stuff...BUT...For the love of all that is Holy, sex IS important in a marriage.

Mousecat, brother...how the hell are you doing this? Seriously! This is like intensive therapy stuff that you and she need to be in to talk about this openly and honestly. Not to sound crass, but have you asked her outright, "WTF is up?!" You gotta talk to her. You gotta find out what the deal is, man. Going on THREE years!! Jeeze, man...my wife's affair was FIVE years long - you don't wanna beat that number! It's a long a$$ed time. 

Do not stop...do not pass go until you can have a true sit down with her about this. Tell her you will not take no for an answer to discuss this - regardless of her feeling you're "making an issue of it". Of bloody course you're making an issue of it!!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

tacoma said:


> You already know what you can do about this, you just don't like the answer.
> 
> Barring medical problems there's no reason for it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thoughts exactly.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

I agree with tacoma, but only you can decide what feels right. Sex is very important in a relationship and if one is holding out on the other, there are issues that need to be worked out. Point is, there are underlying issues she is not talking to you about. I had a "dry-spell" with my stbxh and did everything from sexy undergarments to sexy texts/pics and all! What I learned from him holding out on sex/intimacy was that he was unhappy in our marriage (and therefore he cheated, but thats' another story). I think you've tried it all and as a woman who has a 10month old, I think she is being selfish. There isn't more you can do because you have gone above-and-beyond. Hang in there! Wish I had advice to give, but not sure if the sexy undergarments works the same way for women?


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

You say you love each other, but if she loved you she would not do this to you.

Sounds like the only thing you can do is to say to her, "B-Bye."


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Do not stop...do not pass go until you can have a true sit down with her about this. Tell her you will not take no for an answer to discuss this - regardless of her feeling you're "making an issue of it". Of bloody course you're making an issue of it!!


Agree!!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I cannot fathom what you are enduring. I know there are so many who have come on these boards and proclaimed "marriage is more than sex" stuff...BUT...For the love of all that is Holy, sex IS important in a marriage.
> 
> Mousecat, brother...how the hell are you doing this? Seriously! This is like intensive therapy stuff that you and she need to be in to talk about this openly and honestly. Not to sound crass, but have you asked her outright, "WTF is up?!" You gotta talk to her. You gotta find out what the deal is, man. Going on THREE years!! Jeeze, man...my wife's affair was FIVE years long - you don't wanna beat that number! It's a long a$$ed time.
> 
> Do not stop...do not pass go until you can have a true sit down with her about this. Tell her you will not take no for an answer to discuss this - regardless of her feeling you're "making an issue of it". Of bloody course you're making an issue of it!!


My thoughts.. Go two names and addresses or business card, one from an attorney and one fron a marriage counselor. Take the baby to a sitter for the evening and pick up dinner on the way home. Once it is just the two of you at home sit withher and gentle tell her you need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. If she won't talk...give her the two cards and ask her which she wants you to setup an appointment with. I think you will have her attention. Sometimes people just need a jolt to get them out of a complainant state. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

As many of us have said before, lack of sex is just a symptom of something else gone wrong in a marriage. Maybe she feels a lack of support from you. Maybe she has body image issues. Maybe you're not very hygienic.

Whatever the issues are, they have to be addressed first. You promised monogamy, but not celibacy.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

mineforever said:


> My thoughts.. Go two names and addresses or business card, one from an attorney and one fron a marriage counselor. Take the baby to a sitter for the evening and pick up dinner on the way home. Once it is just the two of you at home sit withher and gentle tell her you need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. If she won't talk...give her the two cards and ask her which she wants you to setup an appointment with. I think you will have her attention. Sometimes people just need a jolt to get them out of a complainant state. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is exactly what I was going to suggest. There may be a lot of reasons for the lack of sex but whatever it is, the first step needs to be her acknowledging that there is a problem and be willing to do something about it. Until that point, no amount of whining or hoping or complaining will help you. She needs a big wake up call.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

justonelife said:


> She needs a big wake up call.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Barring a medical problem, there's no excuse for this.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

mineforever said:


> My thoughts.. Go two names and addresses or business card, one from an attorney and one fron a marriage counselor. Take the baby to a sitter for the evening and pick up dinner on the way home. Once it is just the two of you at home sit withher and gentle tell her you need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage. If she won't talk...give her the two cards and ask her which she wants you to setup an appointment with. I think you will have her attention. Sometimes people just need a jolt to get them out of a complainant state. Good luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I also like this idea, except I'd hand her the two cards whether or not she is willing to talk.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Many women during pregnancy lose interest in sex.

Many women after pregnancy lose complete interest in sex because their hormone levels are off and haven't returned to normal. Could be weeks, months, years, or never.

Many women after having kids gain unwanted weight and don't feel sexy and are not really interested in sex.

Remember, we are supposed to read the books they want us to read, listen more, more alpha male, flowers, cuddling, romance, never ask for sex, do more chores, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, and we might get a little more sex. Wow, what a great deal........really?!

I've read so many posts were after having kids, the sex stops. Husband is going crazy and his wife is clueless to why this is (DUH), or she doesn't care and isn't meeting her man's needs.

Get marriage counseling and get her to see the doctor and get meds to restore her hormone levels.

If she does neither and she's fine living in a sexless marriage, I would say, divorce, and find a real woman who actually cares about her husbands needs, like all here in this forum do.

Men are built on testosterone, the sex hormone and we need sex for our sanity, health and well being. Women that think sex isn't important in a marriage are clueless and need to give their heads a serious shake or lose their man to an ongoing affair or divorce!!! Common sense.

My wife is getting a vaginal hormone shot by the end of February. I'll let everyone know how it turns out. Supposedly, it resets her hormones and sex drive, according to the female therapist.

She just might be a LD woman and you are a HD guy. You want sex every day and she could go without. Compromise sex 3x per week, or she is being selfish.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> I also like this idea, except I'd hand her the two cards whether or not she is willing to talk.


I was trying for the softer approach first  I get accused of being a little to blunt sometimes. My husband would be in panick mode if I started a conversation this way...he is used to me being straight and to the point. When my husband first started having ED problems I went and got all the books on ED and on pleasuring your man with ED and put them on the coffee table....when he got home I said "lets talk".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Where is that guy who posted about not believing in HD/LD relationships now?

Dude, considering all you say you do for your child, you would get at least joint custody by the sounds of it. I know splitting up a family is hard, but really, is living in an unhappy relationship a good thing for your kid to see either?

Dump her ass and go get a lady who loves you and will make your eyes roll back like a shark.


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

I'm sitting on five years of nothing (haven't even seen her naked since we're in separate rooms now). Don't let this go on like I have. It's like slow-burning acid thrown in your face -- and once you've heard 'I'm not into you because a, b, c, and d' there's no washing it off. It keeps burning.

Prior to this five year dry spell, there were three years of rapidly dwindling sex. 3-4 times a year. That was my red flag but again -- the kids. I love them more than anything, so I stayed on board. Tried to talk about it, no resolution (long long story)

I found a post my wife had made once to a GF about how much she resented me because I "hadn't changed the freaking lightbulb....I had to do it!" WTF? What light bulb? If I'd noticed it, I would have changed the ****ing thing like I normally do. Turns out it was a bulb in a part of the house I rarely went into. Can little things like that torpedo a marriage? Apparently. They add up, resentment builds, maybe she just realizes she's not as attracted to you as she once was. And once sex dies, everything dies around it, in most cases.

So, be thoughtful here. Take the early-warning advice others have given you here. The longer you don't address the issue head-on, the worse it becomes. I'm now 51, with her since 19, three kids, wonderful times for 24 of those 31 years.....now all I want is out because everything has collapsed.

This is just a cautionary tale, didn't mean to ramble on.......


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## Angus1985 (Feb 14, 2013)

In my opinion there is something she is not telling you. There is something going on with her. Either her feelings towards you have changed or she is interested in someone else.


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

jaharthur said:


> .....if she loved you she would not do this to you.


...and this is the cold, hard truth. Some of the things my wife has criticized me for, I would never ever have even considered saying to her. There are just some things a spouse shouldn't do or say......and if they 'do' or 'say', your whole marriage becomes a house of cards and someone's just turned on the ceiling fan.


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

mousecat said:


> I have done everything I can think of to fix this, I mean everything from housework to romance, to new clothes and aftershave.


You should TALK. The fact is you don't understand what's going on with her and she doesn't understands you. You should learn to talk to each other. It's a skill that needs to be learned and practiced regularly.

Or you could walk away.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

+1 on the wake up call crowd. Whatever is the appropriate way to get your wife's attention, you need to do it. In no unclear terms - "we either come to a reasonable resolution of this problem, or you can bet I'll be looking elsewhere."

You already know this - we're just here to make sure that the idea gets properly reinforced.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Does your wife honestly think sex is not a requirement of a marriage? If so, then she must think it's similar to having a drink with your friends or going out to watch a ball game; something you can do with other people. 

Tell your wife you'd love to play ball with her, but if not, you'll find someone else to run the bases with.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Good grief! I couldn't live like that! 

I don't believe she really thinks this is acceptable! For any spouse to expect the other to go that long without sex utterly unacceptable.
Have you tried MC? I'm sure any counselor would say the same (barring of course any medical issues). 

A really good book that covers a mans NEED for sex is "His Needs Her Needs'. It explains it in a way that any woman can 'get'...if she wants to. It would also allow you to read about a womans needs...maybe you are missing something... dunno.

Do you imagine she is ever going to become the lover you want/need/desire... it's like the opposite swing of the pendulum to where you are now! She'd have to change her mind set from unloving and withholding to loving and generous... that's a big leap.

PS: 'Most' women have sex during pregnancy and as long as all is well... they can have sex after about 1 month to 6 weeks after the birth.... although we never once lasted that long.
I've had 3 kids and while they may put a damper your sex life at times... they ARE NOT the reason for your sexless marriage.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

You need to try to talk to her in a calm way, just sitting down, no distractions. Sex is a part of being close to someone in a relationship and it's normal to share sex.
Also being able to talk about it, is part of a good relationship. If she doesn't want to talk about it seriously, that is another thing that is missing in your relationship....
Try your best to communicate, if she doesn't want to put her effort in the talk...well, there is little hope to have a sharing, caring, intimate relationship and you will know enough. Good luck!


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

It's time for "the talk".

"I love you but for the past two years I have hated being married to you. Sex is a legitimate physical and emotional need. for me. A healthy sex life is a necessity for me to be in a happy marriage. I am not willing to be in an unhappy marriage any more. There are only two choices. We can either commit to building a healthy and happy sex life together, without constant excuses and reasons for it to inconvenient; or we can decide that just isn't going to happen and we call off the marriage. This should be an easy decision either way. You need to decide this right now, and commit to following through. 

Also, I'm guessing you've been a passive aggressive, whiny, sullen husband during the last two years, probably hissing and sulking every time she rejected you. Full of resentment & anger? Get "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man Sex Life Primer" and start working on yourself while you're working on your sex life.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

mousecat said:


> OK people, it has been a while since I posted and now I think I am finally at the end of my tether and I really need some advice or help.
> 
> I will try and keep it brief. I have not had sex since June 2010, when my wife and I conceived our beautiful son who was born in March 2011. We love each other very much but the sex life has completely and utterly died; although I constantly want it, she does not. Ever.
> 
> ...


I am sad to hear this. My sympathy to you, Mr. Mouse.

By God, some people, including your wife, actually make fun of their own marriage vows, eh?

I am LD myself, but that is not an excuse to neglect my wife's sexual needs. Even as I get older, and desire+erection is something that is no longer automatic....I still make serious effort to fullfill my duties to her.

Some LD people think like this "So what? I don't need sex, and so my spouse should accept it, coz they're married to me..". They even twist the marriage vows, into something like "You promise to love me no matter what, so you must still love me even when I don't want to have sex with you".

Any person, men or women, who entered a marriage, should have all the seriousness of intention and commitment to fulfill all their spouse's needs ESPECIALLY sexual needs, because once you're into a monogamy, her/his sexual needs could only be legally satisfied by you.

Any person, men or women, who entered a marriage with this intention in their mind: 

"yea I will marry you, but I will have sex with you only if you could persuade me want to have sex with you. Otherwise, I won't give you sex"....

.. are not worthy of a happy marriage life. And I don't think they qualify as decent human beings either.

..That blatant disrespect to marriage vows.. is similar to disrespecting God..

Back to you Mr. Mouse.

If she won't see a therapist or counsellor because she thinks NOTHING IS WRONG with your marriage, and that HER NOT GIVING YOU SEX is absolutely totally NORMAL/LOGICAL...

If she still doesn't think that it's a part of her MARITAL COMMITMENT to give you satisfactory sex..

Then she is not worthy to remain married to you.

Sorry for my pessimism. I hope optimists people here chime in to balance my pessimism.


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## Kettlebells21 (Feb 7, 2013)

There's a point of no return, keep in mind. At least in my case. 8 years ago, sex dwindled to 3-4 times per year. The last five years it's been zero. For 7.5 of those 8 years, I still felt desire for my wife. But after repeatedly being denied, and understanding essentially that she was just not attracted to me anymore (after being together a total of 32 years), something switched off in me about 6-8 months ago. The final ember died out. Whatever you want to call it. I'm sure it is a psychological survival mechanism because you do start to think you're losing your mind. Now I have no physical interest in my wife. It would be awkward, humiliating and embarrassing. I have run out of pathway and have no idea how to end this well.

Don't get to that point. It's not pretty. Good luck to you, OP, I mean that sincerely.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

*Re: Re: I can't take much more of this.*



Kettlebells21 said:


> There's a point of no return, keep in mind. At least in my case. 8 years ago, sex dwindled to 3-4 times per year. The last five years it's been zero. For 7.5 of those 8 years, I still felt desire for my wife. But after repeatedly being denied, and understanding essentially that she was just not attracted to me anymore (after being together a total of 32 years), something switched off in me about 6-8 months ago. The final ember died out. Whatever you want to call it. I'm sure it is a psychological survival mechanism because you do start to think you're losing your mind. Now I have no physical interest in my wife. It would be awkward, humiliating and embarrassing. I have run out of pathway and have no idea how to end this well.
> 
> Don't get to that point. It's not pretty. Good luck to you, OP, I mean that sincerely.


Been there and my situation is getting better. It's doable.

(btw I loves me some kettlebells too! doing the ETK Rite of Passage & haven't missed a workout in 11 weeks now!)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

kingsfan said:


> Where is that guy who posted about not believing in HD/LD relationships now?
> 
> Dude, considering all you say you do for your child, you would get at least joint custody by the sounds of it. I know splitting up a family is hard, but really, is living in an unhappy relationship a good thing for your kid to see either?
> 
> Dump her ass and go get a lady who loves you and will make your eyes roll back like a shark.


Agree.

If she's as an involved mother as she appears, then the thought of you getting 50% custody and her being without her son half the time should at least get her to take your needs seriously. Of course, whether that changes her behavior is another issue.

I saw in your post above that, after tending to your child for a few minutes, she left you a boner, saying "sorry, the moment is passed". My take on this is she absolutely does know what your needs are. She is setting her preference for sex as the sole basis for whether she has it with you or not.

You need to tell her directly what your expectations are for:

* Frequency (how often you would like sex)
* Variety (what manner of sex is needed to meet your need)
* Motivators (is waiting until she wants it good enough?)

I think the last one is crucial. You don't sound like a guy who needs (not just wants) her to be horny. Rather, it seems you want her to get over herself and provide on a consistent basis, at least to "get back in the saddle".

If so, you need to tell her - directly but politely - that it's been too long (3 years almost), the current process is not working for you (= not working for the marriage), and that this marriage is on a definite road to ending. Ideally, at that point she will acknowledge your needs and find a way to meet them.

If not, you know for sure the issue is her deprioritization of you and not cluelessness: Call her out on it and focus on:

* Your needs are as important as hers.
* There is no physical reason she cannot have wonderful sex.
* You work as hard, and do as much directly for your son, as she does, so being too busy or set-upon is not the issue.
* It is up to her to get her "mojo" back since no one else is the cause of her issue.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

waiwera said:


> I don't believe she really thinks this is acceptable!


You'd be surprised how many ladies feel this is absolutely acceptable, or (at the minimum) excusable with the woman deserving sympathy and not pressure.

I had a relative (mother of 3) state that her husband was a great guy but that men cannot comprehend how raising a family drains you of the motivation to take care of your spouse. I told her (nicely) that she was full of crap - reminding her that I cared for a young child and one with a fatal illness and never used (or even felt) that as the trigger for apathy.

That's why the talk with the OP's wife needs to start with "this is not acceptable and will result in the ending of the marriage".


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## Diego41 (Feb 9, 2013)

DTO said:


> raising a family drains you of the motivation to take care of your spouse


i agree...this is a poor excuse and utter nonsense. 

to the OP, does you wife have pain during sex? if so, she might not want it for that reason. still a poor excuse, because that can be fixed too...


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

DTO said:


> If not, you know for sure the issue is her deprioritization of you and not cluelessness.


Wonderful post DTO, I just wanted to comment on this part for the OP.

Your wife is not 'clueless.' She knew sex was important for you before, she'd have to be completely ignorant to think that suddenly sex isn't important to you now, or at the very least to think it's not important in those moments where you almost had sex. I mean, you have a condom on your erect **** and just proclaimed how you wanted sex, if that isn't a clue that you want sex, badly, then she's about as smart as lobotomized chimp.

Your wife knows how important sex is, she's just deprioritizing you. And she's doing it because you let her. Statistics show the average couple has sex about twice a week, or every 3.5 days. You haven't had sex in over 1,000 days. For the record, that's approximately 285 sexual encounters you've missed by being the nice guy.

How do you feel now? 

Put the boots down and get some. You are way over due and your wife is treating you like ****.


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## Diego41 (Feb 9, 2013)

something is still missing here. OP, you are still not doing something your wife desperately wants, and she resents you for it and has no desire to have sex with you. If you were meeting all her emotional needs, she would want to be intimate. I suggest reading "the five love languages" so you can figure out what it is.


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