# Conflict over having children



## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

Hi all! I'm new here. I really needed some place to talk to other people about what's been going on in my marriage. Mr.Wright and I have known each other since early adolescence. We were both previously married. The result of which I have an 8 yr old son and 5 year old daughter. He has a 6 year old daughter. My ex and I are agreeable for the most part. We share our children week on week off. His daughter however, her schedule with us keeps changing due to court involvement and a heroine addicted mother. 
When Mr. Wright and I we're dating and began discussing living together, the discussion of more children was had. I made my stand. Having more children is something that is VERY important to me. Aside from the fact I would adopt every child under 18 in the world if I had all the money in the world, I really just want to be married to my soulmate (which I am) and have a product of that love that we can raise together in our loving home with no split schedule, no holiday sharing, no permission needed from an ex for trips and vacation. 
At the beginning of 2015 we began trying. 5 months into it we were pregnant. The pregnancy was short lived and ended in the 5th week. Within weeks, before I was even able to grow sad over the loss, we fell pregnant again. The 2nd pregnancy began to be threatened and ultimately ended in a miscarriage. It was an awful experience, the second one nearly hospitalized me. Before the ordeal was even over, my husband dropped a bomb on me. He doesn't want anymore children. 
Once it was over and I was physically healthy, the depression set in. He told me he had only said he wanted more children because it was what I wanted to hear while we were dating. That when he proposed starting to try for a baby at the start of the year, it was only because he thought it'd make me happy. Now I've been dealing with the loss of 2 pregnancies and the fact I will never have children with this man. I've been weighing my love for my husband, which is so much it honestly boarders on an obsessed infatuation, and my need to have another baby.
Do I leave this man I love so insanely much?
Abandon my stepdaughter that has to deal with the neglect from her birth mother and leave her without a mother figure. Divorce for the second time. Start over again, in my 30's. Which may leave me single and still without the child I desire.
Or do I stay and suffer the fact that there is no possibility what so ever of having another child?
I fear I'll grow resentment towards my husband. For having a child with an addicted loony tune but denying me that right.
Advice? Opinions? Please


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Hi all! I'm new here. I really needed some place to talk to other people about what's been going on in my marriage. Mr.Wright and I have known each other since early adolescence. We were both previously married. The result of which I have an 8 yr old son and 5 year old daughter. He has a 6 year old daughter. My ex and I are agreeable for the most part. We share our children week on week off. His daughter however, her schedule with us keeps changing due to court involvement and a heroine addicted mother.
> *When Mr. Wright and I we're dating and began discussing living together, the discussion of more children was had. I made my stand. Having more children is something that is VERY important to me. *Aside from the fact I would adopt every child under 18 in the world if I had all the money in the world, I really just want to be married to my soulmate (which I am) and have a product of that love that we can raise together in our loving home with no split schedule, no holiday sharing, no permission needed from an ex for trips and vacation.
> At the beginning of 2015 we began trying. 5 months into it we were pregnant. The pregnancy was short lived and ended in the 5th week. Within weeks, before I was even able to grow sad over the loss, we fell pregnant again. The 2nd pregnancy began to be threatened and ultimately ended in a miscarriage. It was an awful experience, the second one nearly hospitalized me*. Before the ordeal was even over, my husband dropped a bomb on me. He doesn't want anymore children. *
> Once it was over and I was physically healthy, the depression set in. He told me he had only said he wanted more children because it was what I wanted to hear while we were dating. That when he proposed starting to try for a baby at the start of the year, it was only because he thought it'd make me happy. Now I've been dealing with the loss of 2 pregnancies and the fact I will never have children with this man. I've been weighing my love for my husband, which is so much it honestly boarders on an obsessed infatuation, and my need to have another baby.
> ...


I would certainly consider it, but that's because I'd feel the same way. It's why I'm not a fan of mixed families, where one is already a parent. I want several kids some day, and a part of me fears I'd marry someone who lies to "make me happy" and then comes clean once the knot is tied (of course, you already have kids...). If you 

The lies before getting married should have you hitting the breaks. A family built on lies is like a house built on sand. Only you can make this call, only you can really know how important having another kid is to you. 

Have you discussed this with your H since he brought it up? Have you asked him why he thought it was a good idea to lie to you all this time? Have you sought counseling for dealing with the 2 losses you've already suffered? Many couples need help addressing that, and I think it would be good for both of you.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yes, you'll probably resent him if you guys can't process through this and come to a mutually agreeable decision on the matter.

I'd say this is an EASY case for marriage counseling. You aren't miserably hateful of each other, abusive, cheating, drug addicted, etc., so you'll already be a step ahead of a lot of couples who go to counseling. You both need to work through this issue to figure out how important it is to each of you, and if you can reach a solution.

At first thought, it is pretty shady of your husband to say that he's willing to have a child with you and then reveal that he was lying to you in order to get you to marry him... I'm hopeful that with marriage counseling, he might come to realize that and maybe his opposition to having another child isn't as firm as he/you think it is. Perhaps he's just saying that because it hurts him so much watching you suffer through these two failed pregnancies? Perhaps he's just trying to protect you and doesn't want to see you suffer any longer, and is putting that blame on him so that you don't have to worry that it might be your body or something else?


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

The lie obviously broke trust. Yes, we have discussed the situation extensively and on going for months. My Hubs has been in counseling since dealing with his former marriage to an addict, PS my stepdaughter is as well. He says he has talked about this extensively with his therapist. I have been engaged recently with my own to help with the losses. My therapist is actually who suggested I reach out for group discussion of the matter. My H isn't very expressive. He says his piece when necessary and then wants that to be the end of it. He just doesn't want anymore kids. He says they are too much work and won't fight me if I need to leave because of it. Thing is, I already told him it was a deal breaker! Hence the, we don't need to move in together if we don't want the same things in life talk years ago. I can tell he is trying so hard to compensate for it now though. Buying me expensive things. Letting me get cat after vowing he would never have another.
Am I being selfish if I leave and put all the kids through another divorce because I'm not getting what I want?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> The lie obviously broke trust. Yes, we have discussed the situation extensively and on going for months. My Hubs has been in counseling since dealing with his former marriage to an addict, PS my stepdaughter is as well. He says he has talked about this extensively with his therapist. I have been engaged recently with my own to help with the losses. My therapist is actually who suggested I reach out for group discussion of the matter. My H isn't very expressive. He says his piece when necessary and then wants that to be the end of it. He just doesn't want anymore kids. He says they are too much work and won't fight me if I need to leave because of it. Thing is, I already told him it was a deal breaker! Hence the, we don't need to move in together if we don't want the same things in life talk years ago. I can tell he is trying so hard to compensate for it now though. Buying me expensive things. Letting me get cat after vowing he would never have another.
> *Am I being selfish if I leave and put all the kids through another divorce because I'm not getting what I want?*


Wow, what a tough situation.

First, I'm so sorry for your losses . 

I guess only you know what your true motivation would be if you leave.....would it be because you're "not getting what you wanted," or would it be because he pretty much betrayed you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

MrsWright1114 said:


> The lie obviously broke trust. Yes, we have discussed the situation extensively and on going for months. My Hubs has been in counseling since dealing with his former marriage to an addict, PS my stepdaughter is as well. He says he has talked about this extensively with his therapist. I have been engaged recently with my own to help with the losses. My therapist is actually who suggested I reach out for group discussion of the matter. My H isn't very expressive. He says his piece when necessary and then wants that to be the end of it. He just doesn't want anymore kids. He says they are too much work and won't fight me if I need to leave because of it. Thing is, I already told him it was a deal breaker! Hence the, we don't need to move in together if we don't want the same things in life talk years ago. I can tell he is trying so hard to compensate for it now though. Buying me expensive things. Letting me get cat after vowing he would never have another.
> *Am I being selfish if I leave and put all the kids through another divorce because I'm not getting what I want?*


If you had all the money in the world and had adopted every child in the world under 18, would you still leave over this?

You have three of them and they need a family.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

I'd be leaving over the fact he lied. Continued the lie into me suffering physical and emotional distress of 2 losses. It's about the ability to repair the family after being tricked into marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he lied about wanting more kids with you, and then actually tried to have kids with you anyway, then it's not a lie. When pregnancies went badly twice after trying to have kids with you, then I suspect the stress of trying and failing made him decide that enough is enough. It looks like he kept his word and his end of the deal to a very reasonable extent, but sadly for you it did not work out as you hoped.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

Fair enough


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I think there is a possibility that he was scared to lose you after the second miscarriage, and this has changed his thinking on the matter of children with you. He may be using the excuse that he lied to you when you were first together because it's easier to go back in time to inject a lie into the distant past than it is to admit he's afraid in the present and face your protestations. You can't argue with what was. Fear of losing one's spouse, especially if the deep feelings are mutual between you both, is enough for one to strategically place a "wrench" into what could otherwise make that fear a reality.

Have you both been able to grieve and share in the grief? Men grieve very differently and in most cases I've observed, they take a lot more time to acknowledge and register their feelings.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You co-parent 3 kids, are madly in love with your husband, just went through two heartbreaking miscarriages, and want to blow up your marriage and those kids' lives again because you want a baby. 

This part of women I will never understand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

Good points. I'm not sure if he ever grieved. He didn't understand my grieving. Telling me "it's not like you lost an actual baby." There are lots of small things like this that add up to the tremendous hurt in this situation.

No I am not trying to blow our lives up because I want a baby. It's about trust, deceit, and the ability to communicate as well as help each other through hard things in life.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Good points. I'm not sure if he ever grieved. He didn't understand my grieving. Telling me "it's not like you lost an actual baby." There are lots of small things like this that add up to the tremendous hurt in this situation.
> 
> No I am not trying to blow our lives up because I want a baby. It's about trust, deceit, and the ability to communicate as well as help each other through hard things in life.


Sure. He lied about wanting another kid.

Or, more likely, he tried to talk himself into having another kid to make you happy. Which is kinda deceptive.

But flip this deal around: he's been a great husband by your account, and he was willing to do something huge like have another kid to make you happy. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

I'm not saying what he did was right. I'm saying that there are other options, and your fixation on having another kid while running a mixed family and mourning after 2 miscarriages isn't healthy, either.

You can adopt. You can examine what the hole is in your life that you're trying to fill with more kids. You can talk to him about why he doesn't want another kid.

You can use this time to spend with the 3 kids you do have.

Or, you can eject it all because you're fixated on MORE, and blame it on him for lying to you -- like it's a shock that one spouse is willing to pretend to want something the other one does to make that spouse happy.

Can you seriously tell me you had ZERO inkling that he might not be as on board with this endeavor as you were?

Or can you tell me that there's ZERO possability that there's some retroactive history re-writing going on in his head after two miscarriages?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Oh, I'm also deeply sorry for your loss. 

I cannot understand what that must have been like to go through.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

marduk said:


> MrsWright1114 said:
> 
> 
> > Good points. I'm not sure if he ever grieved. He didn't understand my grieving. Telling me "it's not like you lost an actual baby." There are lots of small things like this that add up to the tremendous hurt in this situation.
> ...



Thanks. No I can honestly say there was NO inkling that he wouldn't want a child. It's something serious we discussed at length many many times. During the pregnancy names were chosen things were purchased. It is heart warming that he'd do so much to make me happy. I believe it's his reaction to having children that has me so disheartened over the last few months. His coldness over the losses. And his stern disposition when I try to bring up the discussion. I'm dismissed I feel my feelings are being dismissed. Like I can't be sad or I'm wrong for wanting another child. As for my want of another child I know the reasons.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Thanks. No I can honestly say there was NO inkling that he wouldn't want a child. It's something serious we discussed at length many many times. During the pregnancy names were chosen things were purchased. It is heart warming that he'd do so much to make me happy. I believe it's his reaction to having children that has me so disheartened over the last few months. His coldness over the losses. And his stern disposition when I try to bring up the discussion. I'm dismissed I feel my feelings are being dismissed. Like I can't be sad or I'm wrong for wanting another child. As for my want of another child I know the reasons.


He's mourning.

Let him mourn.

They were his kids, too.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Thanks. No I can honestly say there was NO inkling that he wouldn't want a child. It's something serious we discussed at length many many times. During the pregnancy names were chosen things were purchased. It is heart warming that he'd do so much to make me happy. I believe it's his reaction to having children that has me so disheartened over the last few months. His coldness over the losses. And his stern disposition when I try to bring up the discussion. I'm dismissed I feel my feelings are being dismissed. Like I can't be sad or I'm wrong for wanting another child. As for my want of another child I know the reasons.


Something to keep in mind, most men imagine that they must be Stoic and silent in tough times. A lot of us think that means displaying no negative emotions, especially sadness. The fact that he says these things is likely him trying to deal with it himself. 

We all mourn in our own ways. Have you considered that this is your H's method?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Hi all! I'm new here. I really needed some place to talk to other people about what's been going on in my marriage. Mr.Wright and I have known each other since early adolescence. We were both previously married. The result of which I have an 8 yr old son and 5 year old daughter. He has a 6 year old daughter. My ex and I are agreeable for the most part. We share our children week on week off. His daughter however, her schedule with us keeps changing due to court involvement and a heroine addicted mother.
> When Mr. Wright and I we're dating and began discussing living together, the discussion of more children was had. I made my stand. Having more children is something that is VERY important to me. Aside from the fact I would adopt every child under 18 in the world if I had all the money in the world, I really just want to be married to my soulmate (which I am) and have a product of that love that we can raise together in our loving home with no split schedule, no holiday sharing, no permission needed from an ex for trips and vacation.
> At the beginning of 2015 we began trying. 5 months into it we were pregnant. The pregnancy was short lived and ended in the 5th week. Within weeks, before I was even able to grow sad over the loss, we fell pregnant again. The 2nd pregnancy began to be threatened and ultimately ended in a miscarriage. It was an awful experience, the second one nearly hospitalized me. *Before the ordeal was even over, my husband dropped a bomb on me. He doesn't want anymore children. *
> Once it was over and I was physically healthy, the depression set in. *He told me he had only said he wanted more children because it was what I wanted to hear while we were dating. That when he proposed starting to try for a baby at the start of the year, it was only because he thought it'd make me happy. *Now I've been dealing with the loss of 2 pregnancies and the fact I will never have children with this man. I've been weighing my love for my husband, which is so much it honestly boarders on an obsessed infatuation, and my need to have another baby.
> ...


I think you're ignoring a big red flag here. Your husband MANIPULATES you by lying to you.

He told you he wanted children so you'd marry him.

He was too afraid to tell you he didn't want children when you began to try, probably because he knew he'd likely lose you or have to admit that he lied.

He was probably relieved when you miscarried, and is now taking advantage of your resulting health problems to finally tell you he doesn't want children with you, because he thinks you'll be more receptive to it right now to avoid more heartbreak.

Are you sure you're really soulmates? Because it sounds a whole lot to me like he's using you and not actually all that concerned with what makes you happy.

This isn't so much about him not wanting to have children with you; it's about this underlying ability he's got to lie to you to get what he wants with no regard for your happiness.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> MrsWright1114 said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks. No I can honestly say there was NO inkling that he wouldn't want a child. It's something serious we discussed at length many many times. During the pregnancy names were chosen things were purchased. It is heart warming that he'd do so much to make me happy. I believe it's his reaction to having children that has me so disheartened over the last few months. His coldness over the losses. And his stern disposition when I try to bring up the discussion. I'm dismissed I feel my feelings are being dismissed. Like I can't be sad or I'm wrong for wanting another child. As for my want of another child I know the reasons.
> ...



Well when he lost his grandfather he had no problem crying in front of people or becoming visibly upset. He also, still tears up if we discuss a friend of our a that passed many years ago. I've never known him to hide his feelings. He's actually quite frank and blunt about things, which is what upsets me so to hear he lied to me. It's very out of character for him.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Well when he lost his grandfather he had no problem crying in front of people or becoming visibly upset. He also, still tears up if we discuss a friend of our a that passed many years ago. I've never known him to hide his feelings. He's actually quite frank and blunt about things, which is what upsets me so to hear he lied to me. It's very out of character for him.


The only difference I can see here is that in the case of losing his grandfather, he doesn't have to appear strong for your sake. You didn't lose the grandfather, he did. You both lost a pregnancy, twice; maybe it doesn't bother him, but I'd guess it does. I'd bet he wants to appear tough and strong for your sake. Why else would he suddenly put the brakes on trying to have another kid? Which is more likely: Your H has been lying to you this whole time, or that he doesn't want to go through another miscarriage. Knowing the experience has you depressed, he may be doing what he thinks is right for you, rather than what he knows you want.

I think Marduk is right. This guy has displayed he loves you, and was willing to have a kid with you--even if he didn't want another (which I'm not convinced is the case). Some counseling may help him get back to there.


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## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Do I leave this man I love so insanely much?


No. Please don't make any decisions until you've allowed yourself and your husband to grieve. 

Please, consider that your Husband also just went through 2 miscarriages and helplessly watched the woman he loves be hospitalized. This is extremely traumatic. 

It took my H years to admit to me that he was terrified, and deeply sad for our miscarriage. He was alone in his grief because no one reached out to him to talk. I tried too, but he was too scared of talking to me for fear it would make me sad.

Take some time to be close to each other, hold each other and be kind. Maybe having kids right this very minute is too overwhelming. Of course, as you stated, you can always adopt at any point. There's no rush!


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

marduk said:


> You co-parent 3 kids, are madly in love with your husband, just went through two heartbreaking miscarriages, and want to blow up your marriage and those kids' lives again because you want a baby.
> 
> This part of women I will never understand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Woman here. I don't understand either. Three children already batted back and forth, 2 failed marriages, miscarriages, and court battles. You need to be realistic about your situation.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You love this man and he's good to your kids. Do you think that's easy to duplicate? Most men don't want to take care of some other man's kids. You found one and now you want blow it up for a chance at more kids? What makes you think you're going to find a man you can love, who'll love you and your kids, AND want more kids. Even if you find this man, what if you have more miscarriages? 

This man was willing to have more kids with you because he loved you. If that's not proof of love, I don't know what is. 

I truly don't understand posters encouraging you to destabilize your kids life to take a roll of the dice. Being a twice divorced single mom is not a winning proposition.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

jsmart said:


> You love this man and he's good to your kids. Do you think that's easy to duplicate? Most men don't want to take care of some other man's kids. You found one and now you want blow it up for a chance at more kids? What makes you think you're going to find a man you can love, who'll love you and your kids, AND want more kids. Even if you find this man, what if you have more miscarriages?
> 
> This man was willing to have more kids with you because he loved you. If that's not proof of love, I don't know what is.
> 
> I truly don't understand posters encouraging you to destabilize your kids life to take a roll of the dice. Being a twice divorced single mom is not a winning proposition.



I don't need to be in a relationship. I've had a few periods in life when I was single or a single mom. I was divorced 3 years before I started dating the first time. Granted , my ex and I conceived our youngest during that time. Still, I lived on my own and raised my children without a man in my life. I do not need to worry about presenting "a winning proposition" to anyone. I do not need a man to help raise the children I do have. My debate isn't do I leave this man for more kids. The debacle is if he isn't able to talk or work through difficulties of miscarriage or disagreements such as having more children am I better off without him?


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I'm sorry for your loss.

I would say that children need stability. Therefore, no you should not leave your husband over this issue. He did discuss it. He explained why he said yes to having children but now he has supposedly changed his mind. He also has other preoccupations based on what you wrote. Maybe he will change his mind again in the future. This is not the right time for him, clearly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Never understood woman who think a man's supposed to be impressed with her earning power. I got news for you, most men are interested in you physically/emotionally not what you bring to the table.

You don't need to be in a relationship? Those sounds like the words of a woman that is secure in her relationship to the point of not valuing it.

Ok, so you can be on your own financially, so what. That still doesn't solve the finding a man to share your life with, that is going to love your kids and want additional children. It's not like you have unlimited amount of time. The older you get the higher the chance for miscarriages or problematic pregnancies not to mention the higher chance of having a child with down syndrome or autism.

You have a man that loves you and your kids but doesn't want to see his wife go through another heart wrenching miscarriage and your contemplating divorcing him because he doesn't want to try again. You should be grateful that you found such a man. If you think your such a catch that you can divorce this man, and find another man before you biological clock stops then good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your two kids will feel like outsiders if you make a baby with your new husband. It will even be worse on his kid with a drug addict mother and her father now having a baby with his new wife. Looking at it from the existing children's perspective, it is better for them for you not to make more babies with a new husband. Be the best mother you can be to those that are arlready here, living lives that are less than ideal because of a bunch of decisions that adults made for them... Don't make more decisions that they have no control over that make thier lives worse.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MrsWright1114 said:


> I don't need to be in a relationship. I've had a few periods in life when I was single or a single mom. I was divorced 3 years before I started dating the first time. Granted , my ex and I conceived our youngest during that time. Still, I lived on my own and raised my children without a man in my life. I do not need to worry about presenting "a winning proposition" to anyone. I do not need a man to help raise the children I do have. My debate isn't do I leave this man for more kids. The debacle is if he isn't able to talk or work through difficulties of miscarriage or disagreements such as having more children am I better off without him?


It sounds like your husband is more akin to an accessory, like a purse or a scarf to you - they compliment your vision or they get discarded.

He's mourning, and you want to force him to replace kids he's lost rather than deal with that.

I think you need to spend some time in the mirror thinking about what love, loss, and marriage is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

marduk said:


> It sounds like your husband is more akin to an accessory, like a purse or a scarf to you - they compliment your vision or they get discarded.
> 
> He's mourning, and you want to force him to replace kids he's lost rather than deal with that.
> 
> ...


:iagree: This. Repeatedly, Ad Infinitum 



MrsWright1114 said:


> *I don't need to be in a relationship.* I've had a few periods in life when I was single or a single mom. I was divorced 3 years before I started dating the first time. Granted , my ex and I conceived our youngest during that time. Still, I lived on my own and raised my children without a man in my life.* I do not need to worry about presenting "a winning proposition" to anyone. I do not need a man to help raise the children I do have. My debate isn't do I leave this man for more kids. The debacle is if he isn't able to talk or work through difficulties of miscarriage or disagreements such as having more children am I better off without him?*


I would make it a very long look in the mirror.


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## MrsWright1114 (Nov 25, 2015)

Again I can reiterate that my husband is not mourning. His exact words to me were that he is sorry he cannot feel sad over losing pregnancies that he feels were not actual children. Further, he was not by my side during the whole ordeal. My mother accompanied me to doctor visits and the hospital. He has not been supportive at all just saying that he's sorry he's not wired that way. Also to reiterate my longing to have children doesn't stop at us birthing one ourselves, that I'd be more than happy with adoption and that neither of these have to be in the immediate future. I am not the one giving the ultimatum, he is. I have been told he's putting his foot down on children, he's sick of the discussion and we will never have any of our own or adopted ever and if I can't live with that I need to hit the road...... This is what brought me here in search of a broader spectrum of insight as everyone has their own history to contribute.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I think that when one person in a couple wants children, and the other doesn't, the "no" has to take precedence. Its really awful when someone changes their mind, but they have a right to do so. 

The person who wants children then has a choice of staying, or leaving. 

Its a truly awful situation, but there really is no compromise possible.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Since you don't need him and really only want a sperm donor for your selfish desire to have more children, set him free to find someone who loves appreciates him for himself, not for what he can do for you as a sperm donor.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Again I can reiterate that my husband is not mourning. His exact words to me were that he is sorry he cannot feel sad over losing pregnancies that he feels were not actual children. Further, he was not by my side during the whole ordeal. My mother accompanied me to doctor visits and the hospital. He has not been supportive at all just saying that he's sorry he's not wired that way. Also to reiterate my longing to have children doesn't stop at us birthing one ourselves, that I'd be more than happy with adoption and that neither of these have to be in the immediate future. I am not the one giving the ultimatum, he is. I have been told he's putting his foot down on children, he's sick of the discussion and we will never have any of our own or adopted ever and if I can't live with that I need to hit the road...... This is what brought me here in search of a broader spectrum of insight as everyone has their own history to contribute.


#1 that's how some people mourn -- by first denying. There's a whole "stages of grief" thing you could google. 

#2 I struggle how your fantastic husband that you love so much is suddenly retroactively not supportive of you.

#3 he's being clear he doesn't want another kid. And I really struggle how you're not connecting this with #1.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm still not sure if it's fair to say that he lied about wanting children. It sounds like he did want children, or at the very least was comfortable with having more children with you, and he proved it by willingly committing to two pregnancies. After two failed pregnancies however, I think it's more than reasonable for someone to change their mind on the subject, for a number of perfectly valid reasons. I think when my wife and I got married, I told her I'd like four children. Now with the 2nd on the way, I'm thinking just 2 or 3 will be plenty and I really don't think I want four. It's 12 years later though, so by now saying I don't want four children, have I lied to my wife? I don't think it'd be fair to say that I have.

So at this point I think it's purely a matter of having different desires/goals going forward in life. No couple agrees on everything, and you just have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Also, I'll say that I don't think there is anything wrong with him mourning differently than you do, or even not at all. If you ask for help, he should be there to help, but it wouldn't be fair to judge him for not having an emotional reaction of his own.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

MrsWright1114 said:


> Again I can reiterate that my husband is not mourning. His exact words to me were that he is sorry he cannot feel sad over losing pregnancies that he feels were not actual children. Further, he was not by my side during the whole ordeal. My mother accompanied me to doctor visits and the hospital. He has not been supportive at all just saying that he's sorry he's not wired that way. Also to reiterate my longing to have children doesn't stop at us birthing one ourselves, that I'd be more than happy with adoption and that neither of these have to be in the immediate future.* I am not the one giving the ultimatum, he is. I have been told he's putting his foot down on children, he's sick of the discussion and we will never have any of our own or adopted ever and if I can't live with that I need to hit the road*...... This is what brought me here in search of a broader spectrum of insight as everyone has their own history to contribute.


Compare this with your first post.



MrsWright1114 said:


> He told me he had only said he wanted more children because it was what I wanted to hear while we were dating. *That when he proposed starting to try for a baby at the start of the year, it was only because he thought it'd make me happy.* Now I've been dealing with the loss of 2 pregnancies and the fact I will never have children with this man. I've been weighing my love for my husband, which is so much it honestly boarders on an obsessed infatuation, and my need to have another baby.


and this



MrsWright1114 said:


> He says he has talked about this extensively with his therapist. I have been engaged recently with my own to help with the losses. My therapist is actually who suggested I reach out for group discussion of the matter. My H isn't very expressive. He says his piece when necessary and then wants that to be the end of it.* He just doesn't want anymore kids. He says they are too much work and won't fight me if I need to leave because of it.*


Suddenly, you say _he_ has given _you_ the ultimatum. Up until now, he has appeared to be very understanding--to the point that he has told you that if you feel you can't stay with him, he understands. That's a major shift in the story here. 

You've had 2 miscarriages in the last 6 months. I think it would be wise to hold off these decisions--and subsequent attempts at conception--until you've had time to address your own grief. 

As for your H, I'm with Marduk. Just because he doesn't admit it doesn't mean he isn't experiencing grief. Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance. I'd guess he's caught in step 1. I don't know him, maybe he isn't. 

Your H suggested trying for a baby at the start of the year. He didn't change his mind / behavior after the first miscarriage. Then you had a second, and have been visibly depressed and now he has changed his mind. I think that he doesn't want to go through / see you go through another miscarriage.


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## StilltheStudent (Sep 14, 2015)

Kivlor said:


> Your H suggested trying for a baby at the start of the year. He didn't change his mind / behavior after the first miscarriage. Then you had a second, and have been visibly depressed and now he has changed his mind. I think that he doesn't want to go through / see you go through another miscarriage.


Quoted because you should read this twice.


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