# First time posting -



## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

Married for 10 years, been together for 12, we have 2 children. I was getting the house and yard ready for Christmas a few days ago, and found a usb hidden in an ornament box... first I thought it might be our oldest son's.. was I every mistaken.
When I finally got around to viewing, they were recent pictures of my wife with other men and videos of her having unprotected sex. I was so angry and upset I was sick to my stomach. Many of them were recent, past year, some older maybe 5+ years, now I am wondering if my children are mine.. we live in a smallish town.. and I work for the municipality.

Not sure what I should do, a direct confrontation will certainly cause me to lose it, and I am worried about my children and parents (they live only a few miles away, as her mom does, father passed last year) 

Not sure what I should do


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Put the usb somewhere very safe that your wife will never find. In fact make a few copies and also store it on the cloud. Then contact a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand with regards to divorce, spousal support and custody. 
Remember even though you are feeling devastated this usb could be worth it’s weight in gold when it comes to getting exactly what you want from the divorce. Your wife will be very keen to keep these photos out of the public domain as will the men involved. Actually I wonder was your wife blackmailing some of these men. 
You also need to dna your kids as soon as possible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What an awful thing to find. It seems she has cheated throughout the marriage. Did you recognise any of the men?
Very concerning about the children as well, but it's not hard to get DNA testing done now at least. 

I know it's early days but what are your thoughts in what you will do next? If you intend to end the marriage then there really isn't much point in having a big confrontation. You can see a lawyer, then present her with the divorce papers while merely saying 'I found the USB'. 

Surely she can't expect any different outcome after her multiple affairs? 

Please also get tested for STDS. If she has had lots of unprotected sex she may well have been in contact with one or more. 

I appreciate you are concerned for your children and parents. Adultery is a horrible thing.


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## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

I have already contacted a law firm not in my town, have made a copy of the usb. I will wait to talk to them before I do any dna tests.. our son is 11 and daughter is 9. So before I turn their lives upside down, I need to think things through. Thanks for the suggestions.


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## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What an awful thing to find. It seems she has cheated throughout the marriage. Did you recognise any of the men?
> Very concerning about the children as well, but it's not hard to get DNA testing done now at least.
> 
> I know it's early days but what are your thoughts in what you will do next? If you intend to end the marriage then there really isn't much point in having a big confrontation. You can see a lawyer, then present her with the divorce papers while merely saying 'I found the USB'.
> ...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chuck08854 said:


> I have already contacted a law firm not in my town, have made a copy of the usb. I will wait to talk to them before I do any dna tests.. our son is 11 and daughter is 9. So before I turn their lives upside down, I need to think things through. Thanks for the suggestions.


 Hopefully they are your children. She may not have been cheating back then.


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## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

I did not recognize any of her sexual partners.. nor the locations, at least the ones I could make out. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week in a different town. I will hold off on any DNA stuff until I speak with him.


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## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Hopefully they are your children. She may not have been cheating back then.


Thank you .. I am having a hard time putting my head around the whole thing


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

chuck08854 said:


> Thank you .. I am having a hard time putting my head around the whole thing


Look up the 180 and utilize it.
The clarity you get from it will be useful to you.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

So sorry @chuck08854 for what you’ve discovered about your wife. A couple of questions. Are you all living together currently with your wife and kids? If so how are you able to face her and pretend nothing is wrong? A final comment you need to get yourself tested for STD’s as soon as possible. Best of luck!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chuck08854 said:


> Thank you .. I am having a hard time putting my head around the whole thing


Thats not surprising. It's one thing to find out she has cheated, another to actually see it on film. A terrible shock for you.
I am amazed that she hasn't noticed that you are not your normal self.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry you’re here. Right now you are in shock. Avoid confrontation. You don’t need to get arrested or hav a restraining order filed against you. One guy here got that very thing just a few weeks ago.
You must understand upfront. This is all on her. You didn’t cause it.

*The other thing is. She’s a serial cheater. You can’t fix that. If you stay you’ll just get more. Sorry*

I would DNA THE KIDS. I suspect right now you only know the tip of this iceberg.

Keep posting. You’ll get a lot of useful info.

You can’t trust her or believe anything she says. BEWARE!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

chuck08854 said:


> I have already contacted a law firm not in my town, have made a copy of the usb. I will wait to talk to them before I do any dna tests.. our son is 11 and daughter is 9. So before I turn their lives upside down, I need to think things through. Thanks for the suggestions.


Sorry man but their lives are already changed.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The 180








The 180


Several years ago, Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, introduced a concept to the world of infidelity that is designed to help you and your partner move forward in the healing of…




beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’d make several copies of the USB stick then put it back. Buy yourself some time.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do not divulge your information.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

chuck08854 said:


> Married for 10 years, been together for 12, we have 2 children. I was getting the house and yard ready for Christmas a few days ago, and found a usb hidden in an ornament box... first I thought it might be our oldest son's.. was I every mistaken.
> When I finally got around to viewing, they were recent pictures of my wife with other men and videos of her having unprotected sex. I was so angry and upset I was sick to my stomach. Many of them were recent, past year, some older maybe 5+ years, now I am wondering if my children are mine.. we live in a smallish town.. and I work for the municipality.
> 
> Not sure what I should do, a direct confrontation will certainly cause me to lose it, and I am worried about my children and parents (they live only a few miles away, as her mom does, father passed last year)
> ...


Take that USB to an attorney. If you had recorded it yourself or covertly then it would be an invasion of privacy, but all you did was find it. Now I will warn you that it's going to be a limited use because most States just have no fault divorces and don't care if there was cheating or not. But I would take it to him anyway for safekeeping and just so he gets the picture so to speak.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I can't imagine the pain you're in. I'm so sorry this happened. This is heartbreaking. Sorry if that's a threadjack or off topic, I just wanted to offer some sympathy.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

chuck08854

I wish I could say your story is a "new one" - but - I have seen several instances posted in forums where things like a memory device, old computer, old portable HDD, old email account still open - where the poor man found out his wife wasn't the angle he thought.

and the question of parenthood also - 

You have done well:
_I have already contacted a law firm not in my town, have made a copy of the usb. I will wait to talk to them before I do any dna tests.. our son is 11 and daughter is 9. So before I turn their lives upside down, I need to think things through. Thanks for the suggestions._

Not meaning to poke you where it hurts but - any features that don't seem to follow your family line? Get your children's blood types and yours and wifes and look online - certain
blood types cannot happen in children depending on parentage blood types. (precursor to DNA test)

Mouth Shut - eyes and ears open. Do as your lawyer advises (it's ok to question his directions so you understand why) and 

Immediately take stock of all your financial matters and get primed to immediately sever all financial entanglements possible with your wife.

Get ready for DARVO (google if need) and get yourself a VAR (Voice operated recorder) and/or voice recording app on smartphone. Keep it running and on your person anytime
you are now around her. 

Confide in at least one close confidential friend and ask if they would be available should a 'witness' be needed for any future interactions between you and wife.
Document EVERYTHING going forward. Keep your records in at least one off-site location. I would do two - and make sure (if you can) that the storage locations
are not common - see the outage today for AMAZON WEB SERVICES. 

You are in for a battle - it could become very adversarial - or she could do the "woe is me" path to try and suck you back into your broken (now as you have found) marriage.
And then she could change in an eyeblink in what she will do.

Did you get doc appointment for STI/STD tests? Doit and again in six months. 20% of Americans (SWAG?) have Herpes! Men can carry HPV and not know it.

You are now in a battle - 

Bounce your questions off the many folks here for perspectives and suggestions, caveats and possible choices in how to move forward.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

@chuck08854 get STD/STI tests ASAP, I know some people who are buried underground because of late or undiscovered STDs!
This is the time, the ultimate test for you where you need to muster all you strength to protect yourself!

Questions: 

I know that the normal and default is to trust your wife, didn't you notice any red flags throughout the years?
How was your sex life?
Does she work?
Is she loving, caring and respectful to you or she always wants her way?
Kicking your wife to the curb is not enough, you need to look back and understand what went wrong or how did you overlook any red flags!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Hopefully they are your children. She may not have been cheating back then.


Dream on. Kindly 🙂


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

chuck08854 said:


> Married for 10 years, been together for 12, we have 2 children. I was getting the house and yard ready for Christmas a few days ago, and found a usb hidden in an ornament box... first I thought it might be our oldest son's.. was I every mistaken.
> When I finally got around to viewing, they were recent pictures of my wife with other men and videos of her having unprotected sex. I was so angry and upset I was sick to my stomach. Many of them were recent, past year, some older maybe 5+ years, now I am wondering if my children are mine.. we live in a smallish town.. and I work for the municipality.
> 
> Not sure what I should do, a direct confrontation will certainly cause me to lose it, and I am worried about my children and parents (they live only a few miles away, as her mom does, father passed last year)
> ...


Straight to your lawyer, don't reveal to her until your ducks are in a row and your financially ready to completely sever. Do it quick. She may already be planning to walk out on YOU.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Dream on. Kindly 🙂


Well he said the photos were from up to 5 years ago so it's possible.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> REDACTED


He says he was sorting the house. Most people put their decorations in a place they don't often use so it's possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*MODERATOR WARNING:- Calling someone out as a troll is not acceptable. Ever. We have a report function. Use that, please.*


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

chuck08854 said:


> Married for 10 years, been together for 12, we have 2 children. I was getting the house and yard ready for Christmas a few days ago, and found a usb hidden in an ornament box... first I thought it might be our oldest son's.. was I every mistaken.
> When I finally got around to viewing, they were recent pictures of my wife with other men and videos of her having unprotected sex. I was so angry and upset I was sick to my stomach. Many of them were recent, past year, some older maybe 5+ years, now I am wondering if my children are mine.. we live in a smallish town.. and I work for the municipality.
> 
> Not sure what I should do, a direct confrontation will certainly cause me to lose it, and I am worried about my children and parents (they live only a few miles away, as her mom does, father passed last year)
> ...


How do you know the dates of the different photos?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

They could be time and date stamped. Also, pulling them up on the computer normally shows the date taken, time and location if you used a smartphone.

Schedule a STD test. Tell your wife she needs to get one as well. Don’t confront, there is no reason to do so. You have all the proof you need to divorce.

Kick her out of your bed. If she argues simply hand her a copy of the USB drive. Tell her that she really needs to stay with her mom for a few weeks. That you need time to process everything. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOME.

Ask if there is a chance that your kids are not biologically yours.

Read the 180 and follow what it says.

Spend time with your kids. Take them out to do things without you cheating wife.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Damn.
Brother, I am sorry this happening to you. You came across every man’s nightmare (or at least, it is mine). Finding some USB, old hard drive, hidden pictures, etc of a cheating wife. I can’t count how many stories I’ve read of a cheating wife that has some sort of storage of her “trophies”.

I understand what you are saying as it pertains to a confrontation. I would lose it too if I was in your shoes. I suggest getting all your ducks in a row, have her served divorce papers, then immediately tell her you will not be speaking with her at all except through your lawyer. Any contact outside of that can only be about the children. This would protect you the best from having an emotional blowup - which would be understandable in your situation but will also hurt you in the divorce.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> I’d make several copies of the USB stick then put it back. Buy yourself some time.


His best play is to hang on to it.
Complement this with a full 180.
Cold, civil and calculating.
Let things fester and see what her response is.
Watch the panic. Good times.
See if she can do the calculus and make the connection.
Then, watch her like a hawk.
The gymnastics and gyrations will be fascinating.
Meanwhile, since the OP has been proactive and already has his ducks staged...........
Advantage:OP.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Tdbo said:


> His best play is to hang on to it.
> Complement this with a full 180.
> Cold, civil and calculating.
> Let things fester and see what her response is.
> ...


Hire a detective?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Nothing goes so bad than can´t be worst than it looks like.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Hire a detective?


Certainly, that's an option.
However, the idea here is to WATCH. HER. SNAP.
Let her come unglued and make her mistakes.
Of course, the infrastructure should be there to document all these miscues.
For posterity. For legal matters.
Extract every ounce of justice for the OP and his children.
Priceless.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your discovery of the betrayal is a major (major) trauma. Google and read up on the symptoms of PTSD.
Every victim pretty much experiences the same set of natural responses. It helps to manage it if you recognize the stages for what they are.

Please see your doctor today for help with sleeping and controlling the roller coaster of emotions that you will be experiencing. They've heard it all before and have a treatment plan that can help you get through the next few days.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

It's been said a couple times already, but it is extremely important. You need to get a VAR like yesterday and have it on you at ALL TIMES. This will protect you against false DV charges. When you do finally have a discussion with your wife, things will likely get heated. This is for YOUR protection. Get slapped with a false DV charge and things could go very badly for you. Don't let that happen.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Tex X said:


> It's been said a couple times already, but it is extremely important. You need to get a VAR like yesterday and have it on you at ALL TIMES. This will protect you against false DV charges. When you do finally have a discussion with your wife, things will likely get heated. This is for YOUR protection. Get slapped with a false DV charge and things could go very badly for you. Don't let that happen.


Real big yes to this response.


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## chuck08854 (Dec 7, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @chuck08854 get STD/STI tests ASAP, I know some people who are buried underground because of late or undiscovered STDs!
> This is the time, the ultimate test for you where you need to muster all you strength to protect yourself!
> 
> Questions:
> ...





Kaliber said:


> @chuck08854 get STD/STI tests ASAP, I know some people who are buried underground because of late or undiscovered STDs!
> This is the time, the ultimate test for you where you need to muster all you strength to protect yourself!
> 
> Questions:
> ...


@matt... I have been tested for std's and any blood diseases, all negative so far. I obtained hair samples from both my children and they are on the way to a lab for DNA testing, neither of them know.. it has been hard to be myself carrying this burden, but my attorney has advised me not to do any thing differently, until all the test results from the DNA's are back and he is having a forensic videographer reviewing the videos to see if they can determine location or who the other persons might be (as there are also other women) in the video. It makes me sick to my stomach to be in the same room with her, however my attorney said grin and bare it until all the ducks are in a row


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Who cares if you can ID the people and places in the video?

You think it's going to matter when it comes to divorce, which I surely hope is inevitable...because it won't.

Although I suppose there could be some leverage there if those people don't want to be found out.

Courts don't care but wifey might and that could get you a larger part of the marital pie, as well as more favorable child custody, that sort of thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

chuck08854 said:


> @matt... I have been tested for std's and any blood diseases, all negative so far. I obtained hair samples from both my children and they are on the way to a lab for DNA testing, neither of them know.. it has been hard to be myself carrying this burden, but my attorney has advised me not to do any thing differently, until all the test results from the DNA's are back and he is having a forensic videographer reviewing the videos to see if they can determine location or who the other persons might be (as there are also other women) in the video. It makes me sick to my stomach to be in the same room with her, however my attorney said grin and bare it until all the ducks are in a row


I cant imagine what it must be like to have to keep this to yourself and try and act normally. I would know straight away if my husband were doing that, how is it she cant tell something is wrong???
I hope and pray that the children are yours. It will be so much less painful for everyone if they are.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

It will be interesting to hear what she says whenever you confront her as I have never heard of a woman keeping pictures of her cheating. Guys sometimes do with the women they cheat with but not very common for women to do so.

Also, be ready as to how you are going to adress the child issue if they are not yours biologically. Because to THEM, you are their dad.

Best of luck


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

chuck08854 said:


> however my attorney said grin and bare it until all the ducks are in a row


@chuck08854 do exactly as your attorney says!
And I do hope you will answer my questions, I know it's hard, but it will give you a huge insight about what you missed and didn't see in your marriage!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So, I feel like I read this post more times then I can count at this point. Where are all these nypho women coming from?

So step -

Copy the flash drive and put it back for now.
Say nothing to your wife.
Call a lawyer.
DNA test you kids.
Devise a plan.
Save money so you have it.
Carry a voice recorder and keep it on you at all times, running it whenever you talk to her.
Get your **** together listening to your lawyer.
Give her a copy of the USB in an envelope with a divorce letter.
Never confront her just ghost for at least 2 weeks. Don't say a word turn off your phone. (I might not even talk to her for a month so she has to sit with it.) Understand nothing she says is going to make it make sense, so don't give her the chance. This makes it a lot harder for them. They are forced to sit with it.
Have your wife communicate with your lawyer only.
Get an app to co-parent so you never have to speak to her again if you can help it.
As much as you can pretend like she is dead.
Finalize the divorce getting the best deal you can.
Understand that you were tricked by a fraud and a charlatan and it happens.
Also understand that she probably has mental illness that would never had made her suitable for marriage, again it happens (not an excuse, don't try to be her savior). It has nothing to do with you. You just picked a lemon
Learn about the red flags for next time. Read books, blogs, message boards. Get some counseling as you probably have PTSD.
Move on and have a happy life.
Or you could just read this guy's posts. Start from the bottom and work your way up. He story is similar and handled it like a champ.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

chuck08854 said:


> Married for 10 years, been together for 12, we have 2 children. I was getting the house and yard ready for Christmas a few days ago, and found a usb hidden in an ornament box... first I thought it might be our oldest son's.. was I every mistaken.
> When I finally got around to viewing, they were recent pictures of my wife with other men and videos of her having unprotected sex. I was so angry and upset I was sick to my stomach. Many of them were recent, past year, some older maybe 5+ years, now I am wondering if my children are mine.. we live in a smallish town.. and I work for the municipality.
> 
> Not sure what I should do, a direct confrontation will certainly cause me to lose it, and I am worried about my children and parents (they live only a few miles away, as her mom does, father passed last year)
> ...


I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Your relationship with her is now just business, so please treat it as such. 
You are doing well so far.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Any update @chuck08854 ?

Just to add, if your wife even hints at wanting anything sexual tell her that you’re not feeling well (certainly the truth).


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