# GF of 9 yrs says she is falling out of love with me..



## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

Hi first time poster here.

Anyways, my GF and I have been together for 9 yrs now and have 2 great children, a 5 yr old and a 1 yr old. She had our son when she had just turned 22 and our daughter last year. Anyways, we have always had a lot of arguments that result in us both putting each other down with words we obviously dont mean.

The other day we had a heated argument and did not speak the rest of the day, well just today she tells me she is falling out of love with me and that she said we never got along.

What I question is that how can we have never gotten along when we have been together for 9 yrs and had 2 kids. She had told me that it seems she never gets what she wants (I'll admit sometimes I'm stubborn) 

I just feel like she and her 2 friends are all trying to relive their early 20's that they missed by having kids. 

After she told me she is falling out of love with me, but she still cant give me any reasons (except that I couldn't give her a kiss on her birthday, even though I was sick and did kiss her on the cheek) 

Her cell phone has now become her personal companion and it stays in her pocket and never comes off of her body. She told me there is no one else, but I found it odd that when the phone rings she just lets it ring sometimes instead of answering it.

After somewhat talking today she went downstairs and I could hear her talking to what sounded like her friend saying stuff like "yea he said that, he is doing this" I'm not sure whether this is her talking or her friend really driving a wedge between us.

Anyone out there have any advice, I love her to death but with her being so sure that she is done and suddenly not leaving her cell phone from her side, I have my doubts. 

Please someone tell me how to deal????


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's invested 9 years with you and she's still only your girlfriend, I don't know why she would want to invest 10. Was there some security in your relationship for her that you haven't mentioned?


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

We have been engaged before and we both did some things that kinda ended it and we never ended up getting married. She always wanted to just go to a court house and I preferred to to it at a church with family and friends. 

I've always taking care of her through thick and thin, whenver she needed something I would get it for her and help her with a bill if she needed it. 

Our problems started earlier in the year when she started hanging out with a girl I dont think much of and her attitude suddenly changed and she still states she has the same attitude. This friend is the same one who basicly made fun of her until she got a tattoo she apparently didn't even want.

It just feels like she is on the verge of doing something she might regret but doesn't want to "cheat" in that sense of the word. All I know is that she drops off our son for school and then is gone from the house until she picks him up and comes back home for an hour before she goes to work.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

unbelievable said:


> If she's invested 9 years with you and she's still only your girlfriend, I don't know why she would want to invest 10. Was there some security in your relationship for her that you haven't mentioned?


Kids are involved. Rather than doing your best to smash this couple apart, why not consider helping?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If she isn't cheating on you, she is defintely up to no good. The reframing of the history of your relationship is a bad sign.

You're going to need to get to the bottom of the stuff she is hiding from you.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I feel for you, i really do. Sounds like your relationship was being held together all these years with duct tape anyway. Now she's got this single bud spitting in her ear how easy it would be for her to leave you, and the money u'd have to pay. And where is she at all the time when she is not at the house? This will be a tough one for you salvage friend. All i can say is if you really want her and thinks it worth it, sit her down and have a serious heart to heart. If a woman is still interested, this will break her down, if she isn't, well you'll have your permenant answer. 

Good Luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She's cheating. Check the phone records.


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

Rob774 said:


> I feel for you, i really do. Sounds like your relationship was being held together all these years with duct tape anyway. Now she's got this single bud spitting in her ear how easy it would be for her to leave you, and the money u'd have to pay. And where is she at all the time when she is not at the house? This will be a tough one for you salvage friend. All i can say is if you really want her and thinks it worth it, sit her down and have a serious heart to heart. If a woman is still interested, this will break her down, if she isn't, well you'll have your permenant answer.
> 
> Good Luck.


Actually her friend is married and her husband went into the service earlier this year so she is leaving real soon. But lets just say the friend is no "saint" I'll leave it at that.

I'm not a completely innocent in this as we both have made mistakes in the past, but I had always thought the relationship was going fine and then the other day the cell phone is on her like glue and if i even ask anything all i get back is "Why you questioning me?" Reality is that I trust her but not the friend who for whatever reason has like mind control over my GF, she just wont tell her no. 

Anyways thanks for the kind words and advice it is greatly appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She has broken your trust. Everything you describe is exactly what a cheating spouse says and does. There is a SCRIPT they all follow, starting with never letting go of their phone, and trying to make you feel guilty for asking questions. Get the book Surviving an Affair to learn what you're dealing with. And start snooping.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You maintained the relationship on your terms, and now you are concerned that she doesn't like your terms anymore. You admit she is right that she never gets what she wants because you are stubborn, and now you blame her friend for your girlfriend being fed up with you. You spent the relationship arguing with her and denying her, and now you want advice because she doesn't love you anymore. I think she is crazy for staying with you and having children when all you had to do was go to the courthouse if you wanted to marry her. You clearly sent the message that having your way means more than what she wants. It is marriage, taking vows, making commitment, all of which can be done on the front porch or on top of a tree. Whether she is cheating or not, and it sounds like she is, she's finally smelling herself and it's about time. But keep blaming her friend if it makes you feel better. Her friend is not "spitting in her ear." Her friend is schooling her of the idiot she has been for you all these years. There are good ways and bad ways to do that and the friend may not be such a great influence, but she couldn't be successful if your girlfriend were not ripe for picking and open to it. Sometimes, that's what it takes when a woman is unhappy - someone to bring them out of the fog of their despair......while you thought it was "fine" for her to sit there waiting for the next argument and put down.


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> You maintained the relationship on your terms, and now you are concerned that she doesn't like your terms anymore. You admit she is right that she never gets what she wants because you are stubborn, and now you blame her friend for your girlfriend being fed up with you. You spent the relationship arguing with her and denying her, and now you want advice because she doesn't love you anymore. I think she is crazy for staying with you and having children when all you had to do was go to the courthouse if you wanted to marry her. You clearly sent the message that having your way means more than what she wants. It is marriage, taking vows, making commitment, all of which can be done on the front porch or on top of a tree. Whether she is cheating or not, and it sounds like she is, she's finally smelling herself and it's about time. But keep blaming her friend if it makes you feel better. Her friend is not "spitting in her ear." Her friend is schooling her of the idiot she has been for you all these years. There are good ways and bad ways to do that and the friend may not be such a great influence, but she couldn't be successful if your girlfriend were not ripe for picking and open to it. Sometimes, that's what it takes when a woman is unhappy - someone to bring them out of the fog of their despair......while you thought it was "fine" for her to sit there waiting for the next argument and put down.


Well, you obviously are coming from the it's all his fault point of view. So, duly noted. Everyone else thanks for being level headed.
Also, keyword being "SEEMS" must have missed that one.
:smthumbup:


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Aw, you don't have to look at yourself if you don't want. Nobody's gonna make you. That does not make me wrong or biased though. People don't cheat without reason, not normally. You listed plenty of reasons. Sorry you didn't like me writing them back to you in your own words and prefer to see them all as my imagination. Not surprising after you stated 2 or 3 or 4 times about the things "we both" did. "we both" are not here. Only you are here and only you are responsible for your actions, or inactions as it were. So go on and blame me, blame her friend, blame the world, and the universe too. It cannot possibly be you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, I was going to AGREE with Susan.

Here's the TRUTH:

BOTH of you are responsible for the demise of your relationship.

BOTH of you.

What are you willing to do to look at yourself and fix your side?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

If there's a problem in a relationship, you sit down with your SO and fix it. We men are not geniuses. Heck, when it comes to relationships, we're not that smart. Susan, he may have been an a-hole to his (common law) wife, but I'm sure he didn't know he was doing it and that it was driving her away. When it got to that point for her, it was her job to sit him down and say, "I've got problems with our relationship, please help me, help US, fix it".

You don't pack up your commitment and go out wh**ing around with your s**t friend like you're single. Sneaking around god knows where with god knows who.

JT. I know it's hard, but you have to be the levelheaded, non-emotional party in these conversations. Sit her down for a talk. Get your ducks in a row. Tell her everything you've told us. Don't get emotional, don't get mad. Stay level-headed. 

I happen to know how this conversation will end, so you'll just have to tell her calmly, that without information from her, you need to go with what you know. And what you know points to a woman who has emotionally left her relationship and is looking for love/attention elsewhere. 

So she can keep it up. Keep denying. But one day she'll see your gone with the kids. Start a diary TODAY of her actions. Every sneaky call. Every time she skips out w/o a word. Every time her phone rings and she jumps out of the room. Get some proof if you have to. Emails, phone records. Have her followed on one of her excursions.

Again, ducks in a row. When you tell her you're leaving, she'll see the little document you and your lawyer put together and she'll know she's screwed.

And this IS help. This relationship is over. The sooner he realizes it and starts taking precautions to protect himself and his kids, the better off he'll be.

Good luck


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I agree with Susan2010 as well. Unless you're willing to change and look at your behaviour, the relationship is over. Is being "stubborn" (your words, no-one elses) worth throwing 9 years of a relationship away?


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

For a quick update for some folks....I find it odd she tells me all these things but still lives with me and the kids.

For these last 2 months I have been a completely different person and have not been negative or mean towards her even when she purposely says things to get a reaction out of me. She still for whatever reason will tell me where she is going and still give me a kiss and tell me she loves me.

So again I ask how can you tell me those things if your so over it. She told me she could afford to move out and has had more than enough time and opportunity to do it and still hasn't done a single thing about it. 

Why play a game like that if you are done with it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Because she's NOT done. And that is because of what YOU are doing - providing her what she wants. She's just waiting to make sure it's real.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm just wondering...you said that "we both" made mistakes. Maybe it's just my suspicions rearing up..but did you have an affair? Emotional or otherwise? Was she aware of it? You said that you always thought the "relationship was going fine"...do you know if she felt the same way?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

turnera said:


> Because she's NOT done. And that is because of what YOU are doing - providing her what she wants. She's just waiting to make sure it's real.


:iagree:

Perhaps this is a second chance for both of you.


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> I'm just wondering...you said that "we both" made mistakes. Maybe it's just my suspicions rearing up..but did you have an affair? Emotional or otherwise? Was she aware of it? You said that you always thought the "relationship was going fine"...do you know if she felt the same way?


Well I'll be honest I did talk to a few old friends and did talk to someone new at one point. She knew about the old friends and I did hide the new one. I never had an affair with the "new" one...I talk to her for a little bit. I wont deny that. That happened last July and my life since then has been an open book. She can go through my phone anytime she likes and I have not left the house but twice since July of 09....

She is one that doesn't really like to talk so it's hard for me to really know where she stands sometimes.

Like I said I'm not perfect at all. I just wonder why I can let go of things from our past that hurt me deeply but she still brings it up from time to time for whatever reason.

She was sleeping back in bed with me for about 2 weeks but has since gone back to the couch for about the last week.

However, if I am on the couch when she gets home from work she will lay and cuddle next to me without saying a word. 

I dont know..I guess I am just completely lost in all of this. I dont know if it is because it's easy for her with me doing all the house work and allowing her to hang out with her friends constantly or if she does still want to stay with me but is scared of opening up again. :scratchhead:


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Maybe you don't really understand where she was at back during that time, emotionally. Maybe she hasn't healed from that time as well as you thought. I don't know what your wife is thinking, these are just possibilities. 

As far as your letting go of hurtful things and not being able to understand why she can't? It's HER pain. It's relative to her. Maybe it was something she can't let go of right now, for whatever reason. I guess it would be to the two of you to discuss this in a calm and rational manner and figure out why it's still causing her pain. If she hasn't let go of it, it's likely b/c it still hurts.


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## JT4104 (Sep 28, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Maybe you don't really understand where she was at back during that time, emotionally. Maybe she hasn't healed from that time as well as you thought. I don't know what your wife is thinking, these are just possibilities.
> 
> As far as your letting go of hurtful things and not being able to understand why she can't? It's HER pain. It's relative to her. Maybe it was something she can't let go of right now, for whatever reason. I guess it would be to the two of you to discuss this in a calm and rational manner and figure out why it's still causing her pain. If she hasn't let go of it, it's likely b/c it still hurts.


I guess I wonder why you cant let go of something after 6 yrs...she still brings it up to me every now and then and my point was why is it when she brought up the past her cut off date was 2004. In 03 there were things she did and she constantly tells me it doesn't matter because it was the past. I understand that and I dont bring that up anymore. it seems like 04 is always brought up though.

The thing that at least I have always seen with her is that whenver we try to have a rational calm talk she blows up (I've seen everyone in her family do this though, so it is probably what she grew up around) and I sometimes kinda just get quiet after the fact. I would love to just sit there calmly and put everything in the open. 

I figure at this point all i can do is continue to be who I am and just do the little things and let her just hang out with friends and haev that live she missed because she had our son when she was young.


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