# So this happened...



## Torninhalf

This morning I was taking out my trash bins and my neighbor was doing the same. He walked over to me, asked how I was. We chatted for a bit. He must have been aware of the turmoil at my house the last few months. He said I notice Mr. Torn is gone again. I said yes. He said for good? I nodded. He said excellent.

He then asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him one night. Joked about how he isn’t the greatest cook but he was sure he could manage something halfway decent. 😂

I was a bit taken aback. I said that’s very sweet. He said nothing sweet about it. I like you, always have. No pressure, just dinner. 😁

Is it wrong that I want to accept the invitation?
Should I accept the invitation?


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## ConanHub

If you like him, that's a good indicator.

The only damper I can think of is your recent separation and emotional and physical trauma not leaving you in the best decision making place. It might be too soon so be cautious and thoughtful.

I don't think there is anything wrong with him expressing interest though or you enjoying it.🙂


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## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> If you like him, that's a good indicator.
> 
> The only damper I can think of is your recent separation and emotional and physical trauma not leaving you in the best decision making place. It might be too soon so be cautious and thoughtful.
> 
> I don't think there is anything wrong with him expressing interest though or you enjoying it.🙂


I do like him. We have been neighbors for years. Talk whenever we are both outside. 
He is a bit younger and separated from his wife about 4 years ago.
Im not sure what he is thinking exactly. 😂


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Torninhalf said:


> This morning I was taking out my trash bins and my neighbor was doing the same. He walked over to me, asked how I was. We chatted for a bit. He must have been aware of the turmoil at my house the last few months. He said I notice Mr. Torn is gone again. I said yes. He said for good? I nodded. He said excellent.
> 
> He then asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him one night. Joked about how he isn’t the greatest cook but he was sure he could manage something halfway decent. 😂
> 
> I was a bit taken aback. I said that’s very sweet. He said nothing sweet about it. I like you, always have. No pressure, just dinner. 😁
> 
> Is it wrong that I want to accept the invitation?
> Should I accept the invitation?


If you want to, no issues. Take him up on it.


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## Torninhalf

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you want to, no issues. Take him up on it.


It might be fun 😁


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## lifeistooshort

I would. Have some dinner and talk to him.

Just don't jump into anything right away. I think you've been emotionally disconnected from your stbx for a long time so in that sense it's not a rebound but you still need time to deal with the trauma as Conan said.

Good men know that quality women have a good chance of getting snapped up where there are opportunities so as soon as they find out you're available they'll go for it.

That's what happened to me. 2 and a half years ago I got a lunch invite as soon as my bf heard ex and I had split up and here we are. We took it slow but like you I'd been emotionally separated from my ex for some time.


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## GC1234

Torninhalf said:


> This morning I was taking out my trash bins and my neighbor was doing the same. He walked over to me, asked how I was. We chatted for a bit. He must have been aware of the turmoil at my house the last few months. He said I notice Mr. Torn is gone again. I said yes. He said for good? I nodded. He said excellent.
> 
> He then asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him one night. Joked about how he isn’t the greatest cook but he was sure he could manage something halfway decent. 😂
> 
> I was a bit taken aback. I said that’s very sweet. He said nothing sweet about it. I like you, always have. No pressure, just dinner. 😁
> 
> Is it wrong that I want to accept the invitation?
> Should I accept the invitation?


That's so awesome!! I would normally say no, but I met my husband 3 months after his ex fiancee broke it off. I think as long as you make it clear that it's too soon to invest in something, you should be good.


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## ShatteredKat

I would go and keep in mind your situation. Then after 4 years he may be well recovered.

also eating dinner alone is - lonely 

At the very least - it is "practice" as I would think you want to not spend the rest of your life alone sitting on top of a mountain
in an adobe building


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## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> I would. Have some dinner and talk to him.
> 
> Just don't jump into anything right away. I think you've been emotionally disconnected from your stbx for a long time so in that sense it's not a rebound but you still need time to deal with the trauma as Conan said.
> 
> Good men know that quality women have a good chance of getting snapped up where there are opportunities so as soon as they find out you're available they'll go for it.
> 
> That's what happened to me. 2 and a half years ago I got a lunch invite as soon as my bf heard ex and I had split up and here we are. We took it slow but like you I'd been emotionally separated from my ex for some time.


I’m not looking for anything. I have zero desire to be in a relationship. A meal cooked for ME would be amazing. 😁


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## FlaviusMaximus

I'd consider the place you're in and keep it light for now and see how it goes. Have fun and enjoy yourself.


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## Torninhalf

GC1234 said:


> That's so awesome!! I would normally say no, but I met my husband 3 months after his ex fiancee broke it off. I think as long as you make it clear that it's too soon to invest in something, you should be good.


I suppose if the conversation went in that direction I would tell him that. I’m really not sure what he is thinking. 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## Torninhalf

ShatteredKat said:


> I would go and keep in mind your situation. Then after 4 years he may be well recovered.
> 
> also eating dinner alone is - lonely
> 
> At the very least - it is "practice" as I would think you want to not spend the rest of your life alone sitting on top of a mountain
> in an adobe building


Ummmm...where is this mountain and when can I go? 😂


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## Torninhalf

FlaviusMaximus said:


> I'd consider the place you're in and keep it light for now and see how it goes. Have fun and enjoy yourself.


Thank you!


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## In Absentia

He wants to get in your pants...


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## Torninhalf

In Absentia said:


> He wants to get in your pants...


😂 That could be a possibility 🤷🏼‍♀️


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## ConanHub

In Absentia said:


> He wants to get in your pants...


Hmm..... You could be psychic....


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## Trustless Marriage

Torninhalf said:


> I do like him. We have been neighbors for years. Talk whenever we are both outside.
> He is a bit younger and separated from his wife about 4 years ago.
> Im not sure what he is thinking exactly. 😂


Not sure what he is thinking? I'm thinking he wants to get in your pants. Don't be naïve. If this is what you want then by all means go for it. But don't be surprised when he starts to escalate things. I don't know this man but many will move in and take advantage of your emotional state to fill that gap.


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## dubsey

I'm thinking he's been through this, and yes, he's interested, and he knows you're not there yet, but if he doesn't say something now and be gentlemanly about it, when you are ready, and you don't know he's interested, he has no chance.

"It's only dinner."


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## Torninhalf

Trustless Marriage said:


> Not sure what he is thinking? I'm thinking he wants to get in your pants. Don't be naïve. If this is what you want then by all means go for it. But don't be surprised when he starts to escalate things. I don't know this man but many will move in and take advantage of your emotional state to fill that gap.


Maybe. I’m not going to look for anything nefarious on his part. He is a cool dude and we have had more than a few lengthy conversations over the years.


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## Torninhalf

dubsey said:


> I'm thinking he's been through this, and yes, he's interested, and he knows you're not there yet, but if he doesn't say something now and be gentlemanly about it, when you are ready, and you don't know he's interested, he has no chance.
> 
> "It's only dinner."


He must have seen something in my eyes when he said that. I was taken a bit off guard. 😂


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## In Absentia

ConanHub said:


> Hmm..... You could be psychic....


Nah, I did some snooping...


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## ConanHub

In Absentia said:


> Nah, I did some snooping...


😆😆


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## 348731

Go to dinner with him if that's what you want to do. You can do whatever you want. As long as you're honest about what you want or don't want right now, go for it.


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## Gabriel

Bro wasted no time!! LOL


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## Torninhalf

ClaudiaOfTroy said:


> Go to dinner with him if that's what you want to do. You can do whatever you want. As long as you're honest about what you want or don't want right now, go for it.


Weird to be in a position after all these years to actually do what I want. 😂


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## joannacroc

Enjoy a home cooked meal and conversation! Would highly recommend you make sure you have addressed the trauma of the abuse you received at the hands of your awful husband before you jump into anything more than casual dating. Therapy can be really helpful, especially therapists specializing in abuse - my friend saw one after splitting from her ex and she said it was hard, but that it helped her a lot.

Side note: I've always thought dating neighbors, it's a bit tricky because is he gonna be peaking over the fence to see if you have other dinner companions sometime and it could be awkward if he shoots his shot and you turn him down, and then you have to see him every time you take out the garbage or get the mail. But what do I know, my neighbors are all married and much older.


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## 348731

Torninhalf said:


> Weird to be in a position after all these years to actually do what I want. 😂


I totally get it! It can be scary, especially figuring out what it is you want to do now. Enjoy the freedom and go out there and do everything you didn't get to do before.


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## joannacroc

In Absentia said:


> Nah, I did some snooping...


That would be 😆funny if you were the neighbor's neighbor.


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## Torninhalf

joannacroc said:


> Enjoy a home cooked meal and conversation! Would highly recommend you make sure you have addressed the trauma of the abuse you received at the hands of your awful husband before you jump into anything more than casual dating. Therapy can be really helpful, especially therapists specializing in abuse - my friend saw one after splitting from her ex and she said it was hard, but that it helped her a lot.
> 
> Side note: I've always thought dating neighbors, it's a bit tricky because is he gonna be peaking over the fence to see if you have other dinner companions sometime and it could be awkward if he shoots his shot and you turn him down, and then you have to see him every time you take out the garbage or get the mail. But what do I know, my neighbors are all married and much older.


I’m not even sure I would consider this a date. Maybe he has pity for this old lady. 😂


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## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not looking for anything. I have zero desire to be in a relationship. A meal cooked for ME would be amazing. 😁


He clearly is interested in a relationship though. I would leave any sort of dating or relationship with a man till the divorce is done and over with. Even then give yourself a year or two to heal and reflect and recover is my advise.


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## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not even sure I would consider this a date. Maybe he has pity for this old lady. 😂


It seems he is wanting more than friendship from what he said, even if you arent. Are you emotionally ready for this?


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## sokillme

Torninhalf said:


> This morning I was taking out my trash bins and my neighbor was doing the same. He walked over to me, asked how I was. We chatted for a bit. He must have been aware of the turmoil at my house the last few months. He said I notice Mr. Torn is gone again. I said yes. He said for good? I nodded. He said excellent.
> 
> He then asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him one night. Joked about how he isn’t the greatest cook but he was sure he could manage something halfway decent. 😂
> 
> I was a bit taken aback. I said that’s very sweet. He said nothing sweet about it. I like you, always have. No pressure, just dinner. 😁
> 
> Is it wrong that I want to accept the invitation?
> Should I accept the invitation?


Given your situation with your husband and that he is your neighbor seems very risky right at the moment, for both of you. If you are interested I would tell him maybe later when things calm down. You have enough drama, just see this as something very nice that happened.

By the way if wanting to "get into someones pants" somehow indicated a red flag as far as potential male suitors go then you might as well stay single.


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## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> It seems he is wanting more than friendship from what he said, even if you arent. Are you emotionally ready for this?


Honestly I don’t know what he wants. The conversation didn’t get that far.


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## Torninhalf

sokillme said:


> Given your situation with your husband and that he is your neighbor seems very risky right at the moment, for both of you. I would tell him maybe later when things calm down. You have enough drama, just see this as something very nice that happened.


I see what you are saying. It makes sense.


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## lifeistooshort

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not looking for anything. I have zero desire to be in a relationship. A meal cooked for ME would be amazing. 😁


I wasn't either.

Bf sort of grew on me....now I wonder what I was thinking to be so hesitant 🙂

Sometimes thinks happen organically.


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## Harold Demure

I hope you know we have all got your back on here.

sokillme makes a good point but I don’t see any harm on going to dinner here. Your husband would be very unwise to bring a third party into his shenanigans who would not have anything to lose by pressing charges. 

It is just dinner at present and I hope you have a lovely evening.


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## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> Given your situation with your husband and that he is your neighbor seems very risky right at the moment, for both of you. I would tell him maybe later when things calm down. You have enough drama, just see this as something very nice that happened.


I was worried about that dynamic too.


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## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> I wasn't either.
> 
> Bf sort of grew on me....now I wonder what I was thinking to be so hesitant 🙂
> 
> Sometimes thinks happen organically.


For me the only thing I would want to happen organically is probably what he is thinking. 😉
I am no where near even thinking about a relationship.
I have no objection to a cool friend who cooks...😁


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## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> I hope you know we have all got your back on here.
> 
> sokillme makes a good point but I don’t see any harm on going to dinner here. Your husband would be very unwise to bring a third party into his shenanigans who would not have anything to lose by pressing charges.
> 
> It is just dinner at present and I hope you have a lovely evening.


I wouldn’t even want to put him in that position.


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## Trident

You need some time to heal in between relationships. To rush into something right away isn't fair to the other person because you can't commit while your head is still into resolving your last relationship. It's not fair to you either.

I always give myself sufficient time to heal after the demise of a relationship- at least 24 hours before I reactivate my dating profile.

I'm rather impatient


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## Torninhalf

A whole 24 hours? 😂


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## lifeistooshort

Cmon....I've heard that even in nursing homes the guys get a few days after his wife passes before the old ladies pounce 😁


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## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> Cmon....I've heard that even in nursing homes the guys get a few days after his wife passes before the old ladies pounce 😁


😂


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## Mr.Married

If nothing else at least it’s a confidence boost to know you still got it 😉


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## Torninhalf

Mr.Married said:


> If nothing else at least it’s a confidence boost to know you still got it 😉


No doubt I’m flattered unless I am reading it completely wrong. 😂


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## Lostinthought61

you are not reading it wrong......it sounds like he has had the hots for you for some time...look life is short enjoy life now...there maybe no later.


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## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> No doubt I’m flattered unless I am reading it completely wrong. 😂


You aren't reading it wrong. He is smart enough to let his interest be known quickly because he knows he is going to have a LOT of competition for your attention.😉


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## Torninhalf

Lostinthought61 said:


> you are not reading it wrong......it sounds like he has had the hots for you for some time...look life is short enjoy life now...there maybe no later.


Truer words were never spoken.


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## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> You aren't reading it wrong. He is smart enough to let his interest be known quickly because he knows he is going to have a LOT of competition for your attention.😉


You are too kind. I wish I had your confidence. 😁


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## lifeistooshort

Torninhalf said:


> You are too kind. I wish I had your confidence. 😁


It's true. When I got divorced men started showing up....Men I never realized were looking.

Bf just got to me quickly and we clicked.


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## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> It's true. When I got divorced men started showing up....Men I never realized were looking.
> 
> Bf just got to me quickly and we clicked.


Well I’m no spring chicken but I’m hopeful that one or two may show some interest in some laughs.


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## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> You are too kind. I wish I had your confidence. 😁


I'm hoping most men won't knowingly hit on a married woman so they have left you alone over the years.

I'm sure you have at least been flirted with over the years by someone who didn't know your marital status and probably even by those who just didn't care?

Regardless, when knowledge of your singleness spreads, be prepared for an influx of male attention.


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## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> I'm hoping most men won't knowingly hit on a married woman so they have left you alone over the years.
> 
> I'm sure you have at least been flirted with over the years by someone who didn't know your marital status and probably even by those who just didn't care?
> 
> Regardless, when knowledge of your singleness spreads, be prepared for an influx of male attention.


To be honest I am surprised by how many times married men have hit on me. In hindsight it makes me more sad than flattered.
When you say influx do I need traffic cones in the street? 😂


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## sokillme

Harold Demure said:


> I hope you know we have all got your back on here.
> 
> sokillme makes a good point but I don’t see any harm on going to dinner here. Your husband would be very unwise to bring a third party into his shenanigans who would not have anything to lose by pressing charges.
> 
> It is just dinner at present and I hope you have a lovely evening.


Except husband is the chief of police who already chased her out of her house where she had to hide from him and hurt her enough that she had to get medical help, doubt he is worried about charges being brought against him. Consequences don't seem to be a motivating factor at all.

They are not even divorced yet, they have been separated for a week. Now she is "dating" the guy across the street? Yeah that will go over real well with everyone. What is the first thing her husband is going to accuse her of?

I think it's really unwise to do this so early when emotions are high and there is a volatile element in the mix.

If the dude really likes her he can wait, and if it could potentially lead to something more why not start it in an atmosphere where you have the best chance.

You don't have to reject him, just say, with everything going on now is not the right time, but maybe one day.


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## SunCMars

Lucky you.

They keep me in a separate closet.
Away from _The Typist _and away from our neighbors.

These men, they think they can totally control us.

_Lilith-_


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## Torninhalf

sokillme said:


> Except husband is the chief of police who already chased her out of her house where she had to hide from him and hurt her enough that she had to get medical help, doubt he is worried about charges being brought against him. Consequences don't seem to be a motivating factor at all.
> 
> They are not even divorced yet, they have been separated for a week. Now she is dating the guy across the street? Yeah that will go over real well with everyone. What is the first thing her husband is going to accuse her of?
> 
> I think it's really unwise to do this so early when emotions are high and there is a volatile element in the mix.
> 
> If the dude really likes her he can wait, and if it could potentially lead to something more why not start it in an atmosphere where you have the best chance.
> 
> You don't have to reject him, just say, with everything going on now is not the right time, but maybe one day.


No doubt I am concerned about all that has gone on. If I feel like I would be putting him in harms way I would not do it. We left it open ended so I have some time to think about it.


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## Torninhalf

SunCMars said:


> Lucky you.
> 
> They keep me in a separate closet.
> Away from _The Typist _and away from our neighbors.
> 
> These men, they think they can control totally us.
> 
> _Lilith-_


Is this Lilith, Adams first wife? 😉


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## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> To be honest I am surprised by how many times married men have hit on me. In hindsight it makes me more sad than flattered.
> When you say influx do I need traffic cones in the street? 😂


You will rue more the days when your flower ages and withers. When no man, their parts, visibly stir.

Thank your Maker that men find you sweet.


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## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> To be honest I am surprised by how many times married men have hit on me. In hindsight it makes me more sad than flattered.
> When you say influx do I need traffic cones in the street? 😂


Hire flaggers as well.😉


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## Torninhalf

SunCMars said:


> You will rue more the days when your flower ages and withers. When no man, their parts, visibly stir.
> 
> Thank your Maker that men find you sweet.


Indeed. That time comes for us all. Perhaps if we all went blind as we aged this would not be an issue eh?


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## sokillme

Torninhalf said:


> No doubt I am concerned about all that has gone on. If I feel like I would be putting him in harms way I would not do it. We left it open ended so I have some time to think about it.


Whatever it is, it has to be the right time. Outside factors should be a part of that. 

Dude obviously likes you so he will wait. Give it a least a month and the paperwork filed.


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## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Hire flaggers as well.😉


This feels like an “If you build it, he will come“ kinda moment. 😂


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## OnTheRocks

A FWB situation might work, but I would not want to date a neighbor. Too close in proximity for an early relationship, would be like instantly moving in together in a lot of ways, and if/when you break up... awkward!! Full disclosure: I don't want to ever live with a partner again, so I'm biased.


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## Torninhalf

OnTheRocks said:


> A FWB situation might work, but I would not want to date a neighbor. Too close in proximity for an early relationship, would be like instantly moving in together in a lot of ways, and if/when you break up... awkward!! Full disclosure: I don't want to ever live with a partner again, so I'm biased.


I have no plans on dating him. 😉


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## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> This feels like an “If you build it, he will come“ kinda moment. 😂


LoL! Your "Field of Dreams" is already built and becoming noticed so, yes, they will come and your neighbor is the first.🙂


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## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> Is this Lilith, Adams first wife? 😉


Nay, sister.

I am _Black Moon Lilith, _the lady serpent. I am (was) _THRD's _stenographer before finding myself....again.

I am lust, am passion without any bounds.


_L-_


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## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> LoL! Your "Field of Dreams" is already built and becoming noticed so, yes, they will come and your neighbor is the first.🙂


😁


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## manfromlamancha

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not even sure I would consider this a date. Maybe he has pity for this old lady. 😂


I am sure you know better than that - he has been waiting on the sidelines and pounced at his opportunity - I dunno - if you are attracted to him then do go on what is very much an inexpensive date - else while your husband was a piece of work, this dude does sound slightly predatory - the years of "cool conversations" may have been his way of keeping his hand in there so to speak. I personally find this cringeworthy (unless you have been attracted to him all this time).


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## Torninhalf

SunCMars said:


> Nay, sister.
> 
> I am _Black Moon Lilith, _the lady serpent. I am (was) _THRD's _stenographer before finding myself....again.
> 
> I am lust, am passion without any bounds.
> 
> 
> _L-_


My bad. Sounded like a quote that could have been attributed to a different Lilith.


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## sokillme

Torn, you really have to have long term thinking about all of this.

FWB with a neighbor less then a week after you had to run from your volatile husband would be colossally unwise.

First thing your hopefully soon to be ex-husband is going to tell your kids is, "well your Mom was sleeping with the guy next door less then a week after she kicked me out, so what do you think was going on?" Maybe he won't find out but maybe he will.

What are you going to say to that?

Husband pulls over this guy gives him a ticket and uses his power to harass him. Someone complains to his peers, husband says - "this is the guy that broke up my marriage because my wife was having an affair with him." Timing would at least make people think that is possible. The peers are going to be a lot less harsh about it.

Or you are divorced for 6 months, then you guys start to hang out. Husband has calmed down is moving forward with someone else and is used to the fact it's over. He may even have doubts but at least your kids and everyone will have that buffer which give you credibility.

You want to set up your future you need to think LONG TERM.

I don't think there is anything wrong with what this guy did, he probably likes you and wants to plant a seed. That's smart on him in my mind. But now is not the time.


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## Torninhalf

manfromlamancha said:


> I am sure you know better than that - he has been waiting on the sidelines and pounced at his opportunity - I dunno - if you are attracted to him then do go on what is very much an inexpensive date - else while your husband was a piece of work, this dude does sound slightly predatory - the years of "cool conversations" may have been his way of keeping his hand in there so to speak. I personally find this cringeworthy (unless you have been attracted to him all this time).


I highly doubt he has been waiting to pounce. He could have when my stbxh was gone last year. 
Over the years we have spoken about many things from politics to how to draw hopscotch.
He is an attractive man but that never factored in to me...until now.


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## manfromlamancha

OnTheRocks said:


> A FWB situation might work, but I would not want to date a neighbor. Too close in proximity for an early relationship, would be like instantly moving in together in a lot of ways, and if/when you break up... awkward!! Full disclosure: I don't want to ever live with a partner again, so I'm biased.


Especially a neighbour that has kind of been grooming/stalking her over the years while her husband was there. And he knows her husband is the Chief of Police so he is either stupid or fearless or both!


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## Torninhalf

sokillme said:


> Torn, you really have to have long term thinking about all of this.
> 
> FWB with a neighbor less then a week after you had to run from your volatile husband would be colossally unwise.
> 
> First thing your hopefully soon to be ex-husband is going to tell your kids is, "well your Mom was sleeping with the guy next door less then a week after she kicked me out, so what do you think was going on?" Maybe he won't find out but maybe he will.
> 
> What are you going to say to that?
> 
> Husband pulls over this guy gives him a ticket and uses his power to harass him. Someone complains to his peers, husband says - "this is the guy that broke up my marriage because my wife was having an affair with him." Timing would at least make people think that is possible. The peers are going to be a lot less harsh about it.
> 
> Or you are divorced for 6 months, then you guys start to hang out. Husband has calmed down is moving forward with someone else and is used to the fact it's over. He may even have doubts but at least your kids and everyone will have that buffer which give you credibility.
> 
> You want to set up your future you need to think LONG TERM.


You give me excellent advise. It is a factor for sure.
Neither my kids nor my husband would know If I did decide to go ahead.


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## manfromlamancha

Torninhalf said:


> You give me excellent advise. It is a factor for sure.
> Neither my kids nor my husband would know If I did decide to go ahead.


You hope - these things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. But as I say, if you are attracted to him (and it sounds like you are) then be very careful with this. For me he doesn't pass the sniff test. Why did he get divorced?


----------



## Diana7

I agree with the posters who advise caution. I am amazed that in the circumstances anyone thinks this is in anyway a good idea. Just one week of separation from an abusive husband and the guy next door who is keen on you asks you for a meal? Give it time. Lots of time. 
If he is keen he can at least wait till the divorce is done.


----------



## Torninhalf

manfromlamancha said:


> You hope - these things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. But as I say, if you are attracted to him (and it sounds like you are) then be very careful with this. For me he doesn't pass the sniff test. Why did he get divorced?


His wife left him. Im not 100 percent clear of the details. They are on good terms. She drops his kids off a lot and they seem to still laugh together.


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I have no plans on dating him. 😉


Well it is a sort of date.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Well it is a sort of date.


Well I think more to the point I don’t plan on dating him in the normal sense of the word.


----------



## sokillme

manfromlamancha said:


> You hope - these things have a way of coming out when you least expect it. But as I say, if you are attracted to him (and it sounds like you are) then be very careful with this. For me he doesn't pass the sniff test. Why did he get divorced?


I don't know, some men see what they want and go for it. To me that might be a good sign. The only issue I have is that it's so soon, but if he knew they were in the process of breaking up.

As far as the past conversations, I don't think this is a big deal. Married people have conversations with people they are attracted to (even people who if they were single could be potential mates) all the time. Sounds like he was appropriate, particularly given how surprising this is to Torn, again I see that as a good sign.

This may just be an assertive guy who is thinking, if she is available I am going to be first in line, let me plant the seed. Only think in my mind that would have been better is if he said, one day when this all calms down let me cook you dinner.


----------



## sokillme

Torninhalf said:


> Well I think more to the point I don’t plan on dating him in the normal sense of the word.


If he is cooking you dinner, he is probably seeing that as a date.


----------



## Torninhalf

sokillme said:


> I don't know, some men see what they want and go for it. To me that might be a good sign. The only issue I have is that it's so soon, but if he knew they were in the process of breaking up.
> 
> As far as the past conversations, I don't think this is a big deal. Married people have conversations with people they are attracted to (even people who if they were single could be potential mates) all the time. Sounds like he was appropriate, particularly given how surprising this is to Torn, again I see that as a good sign.
> 
> This may just be an assertive guy who is thinking, if she is available I am going to be first in line, let me plant the seed. Only think in my mind that would have been better is if he said, one day when this all calms down let me cook you dinner.


I think that is why he asked if Mr. Torn was gone for good.


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> Indeed. That time comes for us all. Perhaps if we all went blind as we aged this would not be an issue eh?


Blind, are the young.


----------



## ConanHub

sokillme said:


> If he is cooking you dinner, he is probably seeing that as a date.


She can accept it as dinner with a friend as well.

I'm sure he is interested but he doesn't sound creepy at all.

I've had a lot of "dates" with friends that were just enjoyable food and conversation.

It doesn't have to be so heavy or serious.

I think as long as she keeps her head on straight, it can be a nice time.

They already know they are good conversationalists with each other. Adding dinner sounds great.

It really does beat eating alone all the time.


----------



## sokillme

ConanHub said:


> She can accept it as dinner with a friend as well.


True but knowing guys she should make that obvious.


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> My bad. Sounded like a quote that could have been attributed to a different Lilith.


No, same ME, different writer.

You are correct!


----------



## pastasauce79

This reminds me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy." Just bring an apple pie. No strings attached.


----------



## Torninhalf

sokillme said:


> True but knowing guys she should make that obvious.


Should I ask him?


----------



## Torninhalf

pastasauce79 said:


> This reminds me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy." Just bring an apple pie. No strings attached.


OMG! 😂


----------



## ConanHub

pastasauce79 said:


> This reminds me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy." Just bring an apple pie. No strings attached.


Whoops! Had to go there?😳


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> Honestly I don’t know what he wants. The conversation didn’t get that far.


So a man asks if your husband has left and then asks you for a meal and you don't know what he wants?


----------



## joannacroc

pastasauce79 said:


> This reminds me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy." Just bring an apple pie. No strings attached.


Oh my god - me too!


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> So a man asks if your husband has left and then asks you for a meal and you don't know what he wants?


I don’t know if he wants to date in the classical sense of the word or if he wants to screw. He could just be being neighborly too but I’m not betting on that option.


----------



## SunCMars

pastasauce79 said:


> This reminds me of the movie "sleeping with the enemy." Just bring an apple pie. No strings attached.


Ladies are always _the pie_, with virile guys.

Proof? 

Watch their eyes when they think you are not looking. 

Some bold or hopelessly undisciplined men, just stare... here and there, longingly, lingering with few in-between blinks.


----------



## TAMAT

TIH,

I would question why he got divorced, if it was because he cheated then he may be a serial OM, do not necessarily believe the story he tells.

The thing I've noticed about serial OM is they always have their feelers out looking for an opening or some misfortune to take advantage of and a number of prospects on their list. They also work fast since they know the time window of emotional vulnerability closes quickly, but they also know more ominously that emotional addicition happens even more quickly.

The fact that he groomed you when you were married to have a good opinion as a cool dude is a light red flag but not a red one.


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I don’t know if he wants to date in the classical sense of the word or if he wants to screw. He could just be being neighborly too but I’m not betting on that option.


Either way are you in anyway emotionally ready for this?


----------



## Torninhalf

TAMAT said:


> TIH,
> 
> I would question why he got divorced, if it was because he cheated then he may be a serial OM, do not necessarily believe the story he tells.
> 
> The thing I've noticed about serial OM is they always have their feelers out looking for an opening or some misfortune to take advantage of and a number of prospects on their list. They also work fast since they know the time window of emotional vulnerability closes quickly, but they also know more ominously that emotional addicition happens even more quickly.
> 
> The fact that he groomed you when you were married to have a good opinion as a cool dude is a light red flag but not a red one.


How did he groom me? Is it possible he is a just a cool dude? 🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Either way are you in anyway emotionally ready for this?


I don’t really see emotions getting involved.


----------



## sokillme

Torninhalf said:


> Should I ask him?


When the time comes just say - "we can get dinner as friends." But don't say that if you might want more.[/QUOTE]


----------



## Torninhalf

That sounds fair.


----------



## Diana7

sokillme said:


> Given your situation with your husband and that he is your neighbor seems very risky right at the moment, for both of you. If you are interested I would tell him maybe later when things calm down. You have enough drama, just see this as something very nice that happened.
> 
> By the way if wanting to "get into someones pants" somehow indicated a red flag as far as potential male suitors go then you might as well stay single.


Especially as he is a cop and may have eyes everywhere!


----------



## lifeistooshort

He might not even know what he wants beyond spending some time with you.

He likes your company and would probably be happy to have sex with you, but beyond that he may not be thinking about anything. I wouldn't assign too many motives here.


----------



## Torninhalf

lifeistooshort said:


> He might not even know what he wants beyond spending some time with you.
> 
> He likes your company and would probably be happy to have sex with you, but beyond that he may not be thinking about anything. I wouldn't assign too many motives here.


That is pretty much what I am thinking.


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I don’t really see emotions getting involved.


 I dont know, but after my marriage ended it was 4 years before I could even think of another man in that way, emotionally I just was too messed up and damaged. As I see it you may be going down a road that isnt the right one for you for some time. I think its also a little odd that he couldn't have waited a few months at least. Anyway I think that he wants more than you do but that by accepting you are not discouraging him. If he had suggested that in a few months time when you are feeling better maybe you could come round for a meal, that would have given you that option later on when you had time to at least breathe. You would have also been aware then that he may be interested in more.


----------



## QuietRiot

sokillme said:


> Torn, you really have to have long term thinking about all of this.
> 
> FWB with a neighbor less then a week after you had to run from your volatile husband would be colossally unwise.
> 
> First thing your hopefully soon to be ex-husband is going to tell your kids is, "well your Mom was sleeping with the guy next door less then a week after she kicked me out, so what do you think was going on?" Maybe he won't find out but maybe he will.
> 
> What are you going to say to that?
> 
> Husband pulls over this guy gives him a ticket and uses his power to harass him. Someone complains to his peers, husband says - "this is the guy that broke up my marriage because my wife was having an affair with him." Timing would at least make people think that is possible. The peers are going to be a lot less harsh about it.
> 
> Or you are divorced for 6 months, then you guys start to hang out. Husband has calmed down is moving forward with someone else and is used to the fact it's over. He may even have doubts but at least your kids and everyone will have that buffer which give you credibility.
> 
> You want to set up your future you need to think LONG TERM.
> 
> I don't think there is anything wrong with what this guy did, he probably likes you and wants to plant a seed. That's smart on him in my mind. But now is not the time.


I have to agree with this, especially that comment you threw out about not being able to date when your husband asked why you can’t still live together?

If your husband wasn’t a psycho, I’d say go for it. Psycho husband that like to break things... like body parts... I’d say wait. Exchange phone numbers and start texting and getting to know the neighbor. I think that’s still fun. Wait to have dinner for several months like is suggested above.

It’s you I worry about.


----------



## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> He might not even know what he wants beyond spending some time with you.
> 
> He likes your company and would probably be happy to have sex with you, but beyond that he may not be thinking about anything. I wouldn't assign too many motives here.


Cant help thinking that is naive? If he has liked her from afar for a long time I am sure he knows what he would like to happen whether thats casual sex or a proper relationship, neither of which would be in anyway helpful for someone who has literally just come out of a messy marriage and no where near divorced. Also being that the abusive man is a high ranked policeman with many connections.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> I dont know, but after my marriage ended it was 4 years before I could even think of another man in that way, emotionally I just was too messed up and damaged. As I see it you may be going down a road that isnt the right one for you for some time. I think its also a little odd that he couldn't have waited a few months at least. Anyway I think that he wants more than you do but that by accepting you are not discouraging him. If he had suggested that in a few months time when you are feeling better maybe you could come round for a meal, that would have given you that option later on when you had time to at least breathe. You would have also been aware then that he may be interested in more.


It was 4 years before you could think of another man sexually?


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> I have to agree with this, especially that comment you threw out about not being able to date when your husband asked why you can’t still live together?
> 
> If your husband wasn’t a psycho, I’d say go for it. Psycho husband that like to break things... like body parts... I’d say wait. Exchange phone numbers and start texting and getting to know the neighbor. I think that’s still fun. Wait to have dinner for several months like is suggested above.
> 
> It’s you I worry about.


I do appreciate the concern. I really do. I would not want any harm to come to my neighbor for sure.


----------



## pastasauce79

ConanHub said:


> Whoops! Had to go there?😳


Whoooomp! There it is!


----------



## Affaircare

Look people.... why turn this into a thing? She's separating. The neighbor has known "of" her for a little while and thinks highly of her. He asked her to share some food. It doesn't have to be dating and emotional attachment and a shoot out at OK Corral!

Here's my two cents @Torninhalf ... 3 months after my Dear Hubby passed away was the first time I spoke with @Emerging Buddhist. I knew of him from these forums right here, so right off the bat I knew he was a decent fellow, kind, thoughtful etc. In that sense, I liked him because he was a neat person. I didn't want to DATE him and have emotions and whatnot--he wrote something that touched my heart and I let him know "Hey what you wrote really spoke to me." He was divorcing and it wasn't finalized; I was a relatively recent widow. Neither of us had ANY desire to date or become involved emotionally or physically. We wrote as friends and shared our days for quite a while and just liked each other. But we did also make it clear that until we were both free and ready to do so, we were friends and in it for the companionship of being in the company of a decent person who enjoyed a lot of the same things. 

Who knows how (or if) your STBX will react. That's not in your control anyway. I would say go have dinner and watch a movie together. Enjoy someone's company who enjoys you. Be up front with what you are looking for and what you want right now, in the present. "Hey I think you're a neat person and I would value a good friend for a little while" is perfectly acceptable. I do think it's wise to avoid emotional entanglement and sleeping together until at least separation papers or divorce papers are filed or served, and some choose to finalize the divorce all the way first...that's up to you. But it does give you time to work on yourself, to get your own head on straight, and to be a whole person who can be a whole partner when and/or if that opportunity presents itself. 

Meanwhile, I'm envisioning Pizza Movie night. Go order a couple pies, throw on a good movie, and have a glass of wine. Big deal. At the same time, be moving forward with filling out or filing papers, having papers served, etc. Keep that moving forward too. But seriously, wouldn't it be nice to just be in the presence of someone who likes you. That's all...he just thinks you are a decent person!


----------



## pastasauce79

Torninhalf said:


> OMG! 😂


Seriously, you can just go and have a good time. Is that so bad? 

I don't see anything wrong in going out to dinner with someone who has expressed his interest in you. This doesn't mean you are marrying the guy! Who knows? Maybe there's no chemistry, maybe he turns out to be a nice guy and you can enjoy the company. Who knows!! But if you don't at least give it a try, you'll never know. You might regret not having dinner with the guy. Who knows?

I wouldn't worry about your stbx because he's your soon to be ex! Who cares what he thinks!! It's your life!


----------



## Torninhalf

Affaircare said:


> Look people.... why turn this into a thing? She's separating. The neighbor has known "of" her for a little while and thinks highly of her. He asked her to share some food. It doesn't have to be dating and emotional attachment and a shoot out at OK Corral!
> 
> Here's my two cents @Torninhalf ... 3 months after my Dear Hubby passed away was the first time I spoke with @Emerging Buddhist. I knew of him from these forums right here, so right off the bat I knew he was a decent fellow, kind, thoughtful etc. In that sense, I liked him because he was a neat person. I didn't want to DATE him and have emotions and whatnot--he wrote something that touched my heart and I let him know "Hey what you wrote really spoke to me." He was divorcing and it wasn't finalized; I was a relatively recent widow. Neither of us had ANY desire to date or become involved emotionally or physically. We wrote as friends and shared our days for quite a while and just liked each other. But we did also make it clear that until we were both free and ready to do so, we were friends and in it for the companionship of being in the company of a decent person who enjoyed a lot of the same things.
> 
> Who knows how (or if) your STBX will react. That's not in your control anyway. I would say go have dinner and watch a movie together. Enjoy someone's company who enjoys you. Be up front with what you are looking for and what you want right now, in the present. "Hey I think you're a neat person and I would value a good friend for a little while" is perfectly acceptable. I do think it's wise to avoid emotional entanglement and sleeping together until at least separation papers or divorce papers are filed or served, and some choose to finalize the divorce all the way first...that's up to you. But it does give you time to work on yourself, to get your own head on straight, and to be a whole person who can be a whole partner when and/or if that opportunity presents itself.
> 
> Meanwhile, I'm envisioning Pizza Movie night. Go order a couple pies, throw on a good movie, and have a glass of wine. Big deal. At the same time, be moving forward with filling out or filing papers, having papers served, etc. Keep that moving forward too. But seriously, wouldn't it be nice to just be in the presence of someone who likes you. That's all...he just thinks you are a decent person!


I definitely don’t want a shoot out 😂
I have zero expectations where my life is going. I think maybe that is the beauty of it all right now. 
Im not going to lie and say I would not like to feel another warm human body in the near future.


----------



## QuietRiot

pastasauce79 said:


> Seriously, you can just go and have a good time. Is that so bad?
> 
> I don't see anything wrong in going out to dinner with someone who has expressed his interest in you. This doesn't mean you are marrying the guy! Who knows? Maybe there's no chemistry, maybe he turns out to be a nice guy and you can enjoy the company. Who knows!! But if you don't at least give it a try, you'll never know. You might regret not having dinner with the guy. Who knows?
> 
> I wouldn't worry about your stbx because he's your soon to be ex! Who cares what he thinks!! It's your life!


You do know her STBX broke her arm right???


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> I do appreciate the concern. I really do. I would not want any harm to come to my neighbor for sure.


Oh poo the neighbor. YOU! I don’t want harm to come to you my dear. I don’t think Mr.douchyTorn will be able to control his temper, you need at least one working arm to sign divorce papers ya know.


----------



## pastasauce79

SunCMars said:


> Watch their eyes when they think you are not looking.
> 
> Some bold or hopelessly undisciplined men, just stare... here and there, longingly, lingering with few in-between blinks.


She can go eyes wide shut, then. 

I'm on a movie roll today!


----------



## pastasauce79

QuietRiot said:


> You do know her STBX broke her arm right???


She has to decide then. But I hate the power he still has over her.


----------



## Affaircare

@Torninhalf 

One of the things I've learned is that life has a sense of humor. 

When I divorced (mid-thirties), I really did hope to some day find someone, but I figured "Who'd want a thirty-something divorcee with two kids?" Turns out the answer was a 40yo divorced father with 5 kids and a Walk-away-wife.  I loved Dear Hubby and he loved me--I could tell by the way his eyes lit up and he'd smile when I walked into the room. We were not rich, and with his health issues, he couldn't be the primary earner, but you know what? We made it work, and we were ecstatically in love. When he died I truly thought "Well, I'm ruined for all men now. Plus I'm super happy being single and I'm 55yo. I'm good!" and I went about my life. 

Just when you think it can't happen, it does. 

You are a fully grown woman, and my only caution would be this: the temptation to feel the comfort of a warm body in bed may also be exacerbated by the temptation to feel the comfort of someone LIKING you instead of treating you like crap. I think it is very important for you to take some time, maybe even today, to figure out what your values are regarding divorcing, separating, dating, and sex. I say that because if you know what you believe and value in your inner core, then you can act on that. If, for example, you'd feel dissonance by sleeping with someone other than your spouse when the divorce isn't final, then you can go into this knowing that YOU can offer friendship and laughs without compromising YOU. On the other hand, if your line is "once papers are filed" or whatever it may be, why then you would know where YOUR boundary is and you could communicate that fully and intelligently to your neighbor. "Hey, here's what I can offer right now" and if he's willing, good. If not, then you have clarity it's not a fit and that's that.


----------



## ConanHub

pastasauce79 said:


> She can go eyes wide shut, then.
> 
> I'm on a movie roll today!


Boo boo ! Nnnooooo!🙄


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> It was 4 years before you could think of another man sexually?


Before I could think of a dating a man in anyway. I didnt have sex again for 6 years till I married my now husband of 16 years.


----------



## Torninhalf

Affaircare said:


> @Torninhalf
> 
> One of the things I've learned is that life has a sense of humor.
> 
> When I divorced (mid-thirties), I really did hope to some day find someone, but I figured "Who'd want a thirty-something divorcee with two kids?" Turns out the answer was a 40yo divorced father with 5 kids and a Walk-away-wife.  I loved Dear Hubby and he loved me--I could tell by the way his eyes lit up and he'd smile when I walked into the room. We were not rich, and with his health issues, he couldn't be the primary earner, but you know what? We made it work, and we were ecstatically in love. When he died I truly thought "Well, I'm ruined for all men now. Plus I'm super happy being single and I'm 55yo. I'm good!" and I went about my life.
> 
> Just when you think it can't happen, it does.
> 
> You are a fully grown woman, and my only caution would be this: the temptation to feel the comfort of a warm body in bed may also be exacerbated by the temptation to feel the comfort of someone LIKING you instead of treating you like crap. I think it is very important for you to take some time, maybe even today, to figure out what your values are regarding divorcing, separating, dating, and sex. I say that because if you know what you believe and value in your inner core, then you can act on that. If, for example, you'd feel dissonance by sleeping with someone other than your spouse when the divorce isn't final, then you can go into this knowing that YOU can offer friendship and laughs without compromising YOU. On the other hand, if your line is "once papers are filed" or whatever it may be, why then you would know where YOUR boundary is and you could communicate that fully and intelligently to your neighbor. "Hey, here's what I can offer right now" and if he's willing, good. If not, then you have clarity it's not a fit and that's that.


I appreciate the insight...I have found over the last 3 years my boundaries have changed. The last few months have been excruciating and I want some fun. Now I don’t want that fun to come at the expense of anyone else. He reached out to me and I find the offer tempting. 😉


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> Seriously, you can just go and have a good time. Is that so bad?
> 
> I don't see anything wrong in going out to dinner with someone who has expressed his interest in you. This doesn't mean you are marrying the guy! Who knows? Maybe there's no chemistry, maybe he turns out to be a nice guy and you can enjoy the company. Who knows!! But if you don't at least give it a try, you'll never know. You might regret not having dinner with the guy. Who knows?
> 
> I wouldn't worry about your stbx because he's your soon to be ex! Who cares what he thinks!! It's your life!


Do you think that anyone would be thinking clearly or rationally about anything just a week after ending a messy abusive marriage?


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> How did he groom me? Is it possible he is a just a cool dude? 🤷🏼‍♀️


Other men....
🤨😒🤥

They hate hearing this. 

Jealousy, it always pokes out.
It, disappointedly showing its little bald head.

I concur.
I do, thus.

The Typist-


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I appreciate the insight...I have found over the last 3 years my boundaries have changed. The last few months have been excruciating and I want some fun. Now I don’t want that fun to come at the expense of anyone else. He reached out to me and I find the offer tempting. 😉


I think that one big difference is that I was left with 3 children at home, (teens) so my whole focus for years was on them, being a single mum and trying to cope with their deep hurts as well as mine and dealing with it all alone. I believe your children are not longer there which does make it easier thankfully.
A week after my marriage ended I was in such deep deep shock that I didnt know whether I was coming or going. If a man has asked me for a meal after 7 days I would have thought he was completely insane, and very insensitive.


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> I appreciate the insight...I have found over the last 3 years my boundaries have changed. The last few months have been excruciating and I want some fun. Now I don’t want that fun to come at the expense of anyone else. He reached out to me and I find the offer tempting. 😉


He is your neighbor, hence, that might create other extenuating problems. 

If you hurt him, embarass him, lead him on, put him in his proper place, and then dump him....

He will still be your neighbor, maybe forever!

Who needs a hostile neighbor?

Ach!
That big brother in me won't remain the silent one!

Are Dee-


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Do you think that anyone would be thinking clearly or rationally about anything just a week after ending a messy abusive marriage?


I honestly think I have never been more clear and rational about what I want. My marriage ended years ago.


----------



## jsmart

Your stbx’ side of the bed is barely cooled off and your neighbor is already sniffing around for some? It’s just dinner? Come on now. He probably has had the hots for you for some time. I personally would give more time than a week. 

To me the other problem, is dating a neighbor. That’s actually worst than a coworker. If things go south, it can be very awkward. Did his wife leave him for having an affair? The boldness he displayed in asking you out is just the type personality that’s needed to chase another man’s wife or to cheat on his own. Just something to be aware of.


----------



## Openminded

Torninhalf said:


> I appreciate the insight...I have found over the last 3 years my boundaries have changed. The last few months have been excruciating and I want some fun. Now I don’t want that fun to come at the expense of anyone else. He reached out to me and I find the offer tempting. 😉


I’m sure you do. It wouldn’t be as potentially concerning if your husband weren’t the person he is. You may think no one would know — and maybe they wouldn’t and maybe it would all be good — but waiting awhile won’t be a bad thing. It would give you something to look forward to.😉


----------



## pastasauce79

Diana7 said:


> Do you think that anyone would be thinking clearly or rationally about anything just a week after ending a messy abusive marriage?


It's just dinner, not a marriage proposal. 

You are going to extremes. She's not a convent nun. She can have friends and have fun, specially after having a messy and abusive marriage. She's also a grown up and can make decisions on her own.


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> I honestly think I have never been more clear and rational about what I want. My marriage ended years ago.


Yeah...

We know.
Have fun, with no strings.
Get a little, give a little. 

My bet?
You fail.

Hopefully, in a good way.


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> Your stbx’ side of the bed is barely cooled off and your neighbor is already sniffing around for some? It’s just dinner? Come on now. He probably has had the hots for you for some time. I personally would give more time than a week.
> 
> To me the other problem, is dating a neighbor. That’s actually worst than a coworker. If things go south, it can be very awkward. Did his wife leave him for having an affair? The boldness he displayed in asking you out is just the type personality that’s needed to chase another man’s wife or to cheat on his own. Just something to be aware of.


I’m not sure why his wife left. Not entirely sure it is my business. 🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## Torninhalf

SunCMars said:


> Yeah...
> 
> We know.
> Have fun, with no strings.
> Get a little, give a little.
> 
> My bet?
> You fail.
> 
> Hopefully, in a good way.


I’ve had enough bad for awhile. 😁


----------



## Ursula

I say go for it! Just take things slow.


----------



## Torninhalf

Ursula said:


> I say go for it! Just take things slow.


Define slow? 😂


----------



## ccpowerslave

I am a YOLO kind of dude so if you like the guy I’d just do it.

Remember: You only YOLO once!


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Torninhalf said:


> Define slow? 😂


That may mean different things to different folks.
@Ursula 's answer different than mine likely. 

To me it would mean not Thursday, but let's wait till Friday, if one has decided anyway.


----------



## Torninhalf

ccpowerslave said:


> I am a YOLO kind of dude so if you like the guy I’d just do it.
> 
> Remember: You only YOLO once!


It’s funny cause I’ve always been a planner and someone who is quite measured in life. The whole YOLO way of life sounds way more fun. 😁


----------



## Torninhalf

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That may mean different things to different folks.
> @Ursula 's answer different than mine likely.
> 
> To me it would mean not Thursday, but let's wait till Friday, if one has decided anyway.


😁


----------



## jlg07

OMG folks -- SHE's NOT MARRYING the guy. He asked her for dinner. HE may have other things on his mind.
Torn can be very clear that it's just dinner when she talks to him. Just be honest and say it's too soon for anything else.
Torn, YOU have to be clear (and maybe you can't??) about what you want here.

I Do agree that you do NOT want your nut job STBX hearing about this and trying something against your neighbor, so you DO have to think about that.


----------



## Affaircare

Torninhalf said:


> Define slow? 😂


Haha! You're a funny lady!

To me, I'm 58yo and I know what I need in a partner and want in life, so I don't have to "figure those things out"....BUT I also do not like to rush. Going slow meant taking a step...maybe sticking my neck out a little...see how that goes...wait a month...it's continuing to go okay...stick my neck out a little more...see how that goes...wait another month...that's still going okay, etc. MUCH slower than @Ragnar Ragnasson sounds like, but then again, I'm a gal who feels something for someone, am exclusive with them, and THEN feel sexual attraction--more responsive than spontaneous I think. 

Who knows what you are? YOU are you! The whole point of this time of your life, I suspect, is so that you can discover who you are, what you think and feel and believe.


----------



## ccpowerslave

Torninhalf said:


> It’s funny cause I’ve always been a planner and someone who is quite measured in life. The whole YOLO way of life sounds way more fun. 😁


It can be. The best vacation I ever had with my wife was the one with the least planning.

I have enough planning and things to do so for my leisure and elective activities I like to do them somewhat spontaneously.


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> OMG folks -- SHE's NOT MARRYING the guy. He asked her for dinner. HE may have other things on his mind.
> Torn can be very clear that it's just dinner when she talks to him. Just be honest and say it's too soon for anything else.
> Torn, YOU have to be clear (and maybe you can't??) about what you want here.
> 
> I Do agree that you do NOT want your nut job STBX hearing about this and trying something against your neighbor, so you DO have to think about that.


Absolutely first and foremost is just making sure my STBX isn’t privy to it. 
I have absolutely no interest in dating or starting a relationship.
I would not object to some male attention. 😁


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> Define slow? 😂


Yes Ursula, define slow!


----------



## Torninhalf

Affaircare said:


> Haha! You're a funny lady!
> 
> To me, I'm 58yo and I know what I need in a partner and want in life, so I don't have to "figure those things out"....BUT I also do not like to rush. Going slow meant taking a step...maybe sticking my neck out a little...see how that goes...wait a month...it's continuing to go okay...stick my neck out a little more...see how that goes...wait another month...that's still going okay, etc. MUCH slower than @Ragnar Ragnasson sounds like, but then again, I'm a gal who feels something for someone, am exclusive with them, and THEN feel sexual attraction--more responsive than spontaneous I think.
> 
> Who knows what you are? YOU are you! The whole point of this time of your life, I suspect, is so that you can discover who you are, what you think and feel and believe.


I think you are right! I know what I don’t want...maybe I just don’t know exactly what I do want.


----------



## Ursula

Torninhalf said:


> Define slow? 😂


For me, slow just means to not jump in with both feet right away. Maybe test the waters by dipping a toe in first, and just spend time together getting to know one another a little better. I'm a firm believer in good things taking time to develop


----------



## ccpowerslave

Torninhalf said:


> I think you are right! I know what I don’t want...maybe I just don’t know exactly what I do want.


I think there’s a Spice Girls song about this.


----------



## jsmart

If you haven’t been out there in many years, it can be exciting to pursued by a new man. Just know that the excitement of getting new D, can cause a woman who hasn’t been out there, to easily find herself running through many men. There’s a reason why many men believe that recent divorcees can be easy pickings.


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> If you haven’t been out there in many years, it can be exciting to pursued by a new man. Just know that the excitement of getting new D, can cause a woman who hasn’t been out there, to easily find herself running through many men. There’s a reason why many men believe that recent divorcees can be easy pickings.


I imagine that is true.


----------



## Openminded

Torninhalf said:


> Absolutely first and foremost is just making sure my STBX isn’t privy to it.
> I have absolutely no interest in dating or starting a relationship.
> I would not object to some male attention. 😁


Well, I guess that might be possible if you go over to the neighbor’s house for dinner (since he volunteered to cook) after dark and none of your other neighbors see you. That’s the most likely way gossip will get back to the Chief. Hopefully, he hasn’t done any more damage since he moved out.


----------



## Torninhalf

Openminded said:


> Well, I guess that might be possible if you go over to the neighbor’s house for dinner (since he volunteered to cook) after dark and none of your other neighbors see you. That’s the most likely way gossip will get back to the Chief. Hopefully, he hasn’t done any more damage since he moved out.


He has not thankfully. 
It would not be odd for the other neighbors to see us talking or even entering each other’s home.


----------



## maquiscat

Torninhalf said:


> This morning I was taking out my trash bins and my neighbor was doing the same. He walked over to me, asked how I was. We chatted for a bit. He must have been aware of the turmoil at my house the last few months. He said I notice Mr. Torn is gone again. I said yes. He said for good? I nodded. He said excellent.
> 
> He then asked me if I would be interested in having dinner with him one night. Joked about how he isn’t the greatest cook but he was sure he could manage something halfway decent. 😂
> 
> I was a bit taken aback. I said that’s very sweet. He said nothing sweet about it. I like you, always have. No pressure, just dinner. 😁
> 
> Is it wrong that I want to accept the invitation?
> Should I accept the invitation?


I only went through the first page of comments before responding. I'm with the majority that I have seen so far. However, I would say that you should make things very clear for and to him. If you are willing to bed him, but not ready for a relationship, then be clear about it. If you are willing to go out on dates, but no physical stuff and no commitment, then say as much. Whatever place you are in right now, just make it clear to him so that he doesn't think that progress is being made in a certain direction when it's not. And as things change, update him. Just don't let him be in the dark or thinking something other than what you are ready for.


----------



## Torninhalf

maquiscat said:


> I only went through the first page of comments before responding. I'm with the majority that I have seen so far. However, I would say that you should make things very clear for and to him. If you are willing to bed him, but not ready for a relationship, then be clear about it. If you are willing to go out on dates, but no physical stuff and no commitment, then say as much. Whatever place you are in right now, just make it clear to him so that he doesn't think that progress is being made in a certain direction when it's not. And as things change, update him. Just don't let him be in the dark or thinking something other than what you are ready for.


Sound advise. I suppose I will get a much better vibe of how he is feeling when we hang out.


----------



## Harold Demure

Whether you go or not, it is exciting to be asked


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I honestly think I have never been more clear and rational about what I want. My marriage ended years ago.


Not physically. I believe he has only just left ? If so you have had no time to get used to life alone or heal.


----------



## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> Whether you go or not, it is exciting to be asked


Indeed. It is very nice. 😁


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Not physically. I believe he has only just left ? If so you have had no time to get used to life alone or heal.


He was out of the home for 6 months. I know that is a drop in the bucket but it was a significant amount of time to know how much I enjoy it.


----------



## Diana7

pastasauce79 said:


> It's just dinner, not a marriage proposal.
> 
> You are going to extremes. She's not a convent nun. She can have friends and have fun, specially after having a messy and abusive marriage. She's also a grown up and can make decisions on her own.


Just my advise as others have given theirs.


----------



## CN2622

You should just take it one day at a time and have fun. I do not know why your relationship ended but you are an adult and just have fun. I think everyone, me included, gets too caught up in thinking what is the “right” thing to do. It’s ok to try something and then decide you don’t want to move forward or decide it wasn’t fun.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Just my advise as others have given theirs.


I appreciate everyone’s input. Everyone has a different opinion and that is excellent. You get to see all sides.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> You should just take it one day at a time and have fun. I do not know why your relationship ended but you are an adult and just have fun. I think everyone, me included, gets too caught up in thinking what is the “right” thing to do. It’s ok to try something and then decide you don’t want to move forward or decide it wasn’t fun.


Trial and error right?


----------



## CN2622

CN2622 said:


> You should just take it one day at a time and have fun. I do not know why your relationship ended but you are an adult and just have fun. I think everyone, me included, gets too caught up in thinking what is the “right” thing to do. It’s ok to try something and then decide you don’t want to move forward or decide it wasn’t fun.


Just have dinner with the guy and if it’s boring and no spark then you’ll know. Dinner isn’t a marriage.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Trial and error right?


Exactly. What’s your biggest fear about going to dinner?

I would just make it clear to him you aren’t currently looking for a relationship. Whatever else happened between you two is between two consenting adults.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Exactly. What’s your biggest fear about going to dinner?
> 
> I would just make it clear to him you aren’t currently looking for a relationship. Whatever else happened between you two is between two consenting adults.


No fear other than the possibility he gets caught up in some drama with my STBX.


----------



## Openminded

CN2622 said:


> Exactly. What’s your biggest fear about going to dinner?
> 
> I would just make it clear to him you aren’t currently looking for a relationship. Whatever else happened between you two is between two consenting adults.


If her husband doesn’t find out, then nothing will likely happen. If he does find out, a number of things could happen. He broke her arm when he moved out a week or so ago.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> No fear other than the possibility he gets caught up in some drama with my STBX.


Go away for a weekend then at a hotel so it is just you two.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> No fear other than the possibility he gets caught up in some drama with my STBX.


And what kind of drama?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Go away for a weekend then at a hotel so it is just you two.


Yeah that won’t set off any red flags if I leave for 2 days 😂


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Yeah that won’t set off any red flags if I leave for 2 days 😂


I didn’t know you were under lock and key lol. I am sorry I don’t know the full situation.


----------



## Diana7

Openminded said:


> If her husband doesn’t find out, then nothing will likely happen. If he does find out, a number of things could happen. He broke her arm when he moved out a week or so ago.


That alone would stop me from seeing another man so very soon. I think I would be concentrating all my efforts on trying to move away.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> I didn’t know you were under lock and key lol. I am sorry I don’t know the full situation.


No worries!


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> No worries!


Lol you should go to dinner. What’s the worst that could happen?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Lol you should go to dinner. What’s the worst that could happen?


Spoken like someone who is still young. 😂


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Spoken like someone who is still young. 😂


----------



## CN2622

A


----------



## Openminded

CN2622 said:


> Seriously what could happen?


Repeat — her husband broke her arm when he left very recently. Use your imagination as to what could happen.


----------



## CN2622

Openminded said:


> Repeat — her husband broke her arm when he left very recently. Use your imagination as to what could happen.


Oh I totally missed that. I’m so sorry. I greatly apologize.


----------



## CN2622

I deleted my messages and I apologize profusely.


----------



## Openminded

CN2622 said:


> Oh I totally missed that. I’m so sorry. I greatly apologize.


And it has happened more than once. So if by some chance he finds this out, who knows what he might do. Maybe nothing. Maybe.


----------



## CN2622

@Torninhalf I apologize for not reading completely. I apologize and hope I didn’t upset you or anyone else.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> @Torninhalf I apologize for not reading completely. I apologize and hope I didn’t upset you or anyone else.


No worries! I’m not upset in the least. It’s all good. I appreciate your input. Life is always more complicated than it appears on the surface.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> No worries! I’m not upset in the least. It’s all good. I appreciate your input. Life is always more complicated than it appears on the surface.


You are telling me. I’m still struggling myself.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> You are telling me. I’m still struggling myself.


I’ve read. The people here give quality advise.


----------



## CN2622

Yep this is a great resource.


----------



## Harold Demure

Apologies if I have asked about this before.

Do you have anything set up with anyone to let them know you are in trouble? For example a code word or sentence, a regular checking in schedule etc.

I don’t think I am being over dramatic in asking this as posters have demonstrated their on going concern about your personal safety.

Others on here may be able to help with suggestions.


----------



## TXTrini

Hey Torn,
If it were me, I'd feel weird about getting too friendly with a neighbor, unless I was planning to move. Also, be upfront, so there are no miscommunications. You haven't filed for divorce yet, so it is rather fast, and considering last week's events, messy.

That said, the waiting years to have sex is bloody astonishing, quite frankly. I can't imagine a vital, red-blooded woman in her prime being voluntarily celibate, different strokes for different folks. Life is for living, every day is another day closer to death assuming you are lucky to enjoy longevity. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the confirmation of your feminity, but take care of business first!


----------



## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> Apologies if I have asked about this before.
> 
> Do you have anything set up with anyone to let them know you are in trouble? For example a code word or sentence, a regular checking in schedule etc.
> 
> I don’t think I am being over dramatic in asking this as posters have demonstrated their on going concern about your personal safety.
> 
> Others on here may be able to help with suggestions.


No apologies needed. I don’t have anything in place formally no. Perhaps I should. Its a good idea. Thank you


----------



## Torninhalf

TXTrini said:


> Hey Torn,
> If it were me, I'd feel weird about getting too friendly with a neighbor, unless I was planning to move. Also, be upfront, so there are no miscommunications. You haven't filed for divorce yet, so it is rather fast, and considering last week's events, messy.
> 
> That said, the waiting years to have sex is bloody astonishing, quite frankly. I can't imagine a vital, red-blooded woman in her prime being voluntarily celibate, different strokes for different folks. Life is for living, every day is another day closer to death assuming you are lucky to enjoy longevity. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the confirmation of your feminity, but take care of business first!


The last thing I want are any more messes to clean up. You are correct.
I have zero intentions on waiting years. Months even seem way to long at this juncture. I have waited far too long already. In another thread here there was conversation about hysterical bonding. I did that far too much to my great humiliation in hindsight. Like a sorbet that cleanses ones palate between meal courses I need to get the taste of him off of my tongue. The sooner the better.


----------



## maquiscat

Harold Demure said:


> Apologies if I have asked about this before.
> 
> Do you have anything set up with anyone to let them know you are in trouble? For example a code word or sentence, a regular checking in schedule etc.
> 
> I don’t think I am being over dramatic in asking this as posters have demonstrated their on going concern about your personal safety.
> 
> Others on here may be able to help with suggestions.


What you are describing is known in some circles as a Safe Call. And it is basically as you described it. You set up for someone to know where you are going to be, when and for how long. You call them when you get there. If you plan to be a long time, maybe a couple of scheduled check in points. And then call when you leave and when you get home. Make sure they have a description of what you are wearing, and if you can provide it what the person you are meeting is wearing. Especially the shoes. We had a safety topic on this by a former police officer, and he noted that even if someone plans a change of clothes in abducting a person, they almost never change shoes.

My family (extended, not just the spouses) has also used a version where we are physically in the meeting place (usually a restaurant) at a position where we can watch the one meeting someone else.


----------



## Diana7

TXTrini said:


> Hey Torn,
> If it were me, I'd feel weird about getting too friendly with a neighbor, unless I was planning to move. Also, be upfront, so there are no miscommunications. You haven't filed for divorce yet, so it is rather fast, and considering last week's events, messy.
> 
> That said, the waiting years to have sex is bloody astonishing, quite frankly. I can't imagine a vital, red-blooded woman in her prime being voluntarily celibate, different strokes for different folks. Life is for living, every day is another day closer to death assuming you are lucky to enjoy longevity. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the confirmation of your feminity, but take care of business first!


For me I wasnt emotionally ready for a relationship/marriage for 4 years, and didnt meet and marry my husband for another 2 after that and I am not into casual sex so there you go. Honestly I didnt die, you can honestly survive without sex despite what some people seem to think. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted dealing with what had happened and being a single mum to three hurting children that I honestly just struggled to just get through each day. Casual sex was the last thing on my mind. Besides that I have no attraction towards men who think casual sex is ok, so it wouldnt have worked anyway.


----------



## Torninhalf

maquiscat said:


> What you are describing is known in some circles as a Safe Call. And it is basically as you described it. You set up for someone to know where you are going to be, when and for how long. You call them when you get there. If you plan to be a long time, maybe a couple of scheduled check in points. And then call when you leave and when you get home. Make sure they have a description of what you are wearing, and if you can provide it what the person you are meeting is wearing. Especially the shoes. We had a safety topic on this by a former police officer, and he noted that even if someone plans a change of clothes in abducting a person, they almost never change shoes.
> 
> My family (extended, not just the spouses) has also used a version where we are physically in the meeting place (usually a restaurant) at a position where we can watch the one meeting someone else.


I’m not really close enough with any of my neighbors to set this kind of thing up.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> For me I wasnt emotionally ready for a relationship/marriage for 4 years, and didnt meet and marry my husband for another 2 after that and I am not into casual sex so there you go. Honestly I didnt die, you can honestly survive without sex despite what some people seem to think. I was so emotionally and physically exhausted dealing with what had happened and being a single mum to three damaged children that I just struggled to just get through each day. Casual sex was the last thing on my mind. Besides that I have no attraction towards men who think casual sex is ok, so it wouldnt have worked anyway.


Well if I wait 6 years I’ll be 60 if I’m lucky to live that long. 😂


----------



## maquiscat

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not really close enough with any of my neighbors to set this kind of thing up.


It doesn't have to be a neighbor. Honestly it doesn't even have to be someone in your town/city. Friend, family member, old high school buddy you keep in touch with. For that matter, there is actually a Safe Call group on FetLife, where members offer up to be the safe call for others. The biggest thing is to have someone who can call the police if you miss your call in's. Sure, even better if it's someone who can physically check on you, but it's not necessary.


----------



## Torninhalf

maquiscat said:


> It doesn't have to be a neighbor. Honestly it doesn't even have to be someone in your town/city. Friend, family member, old high school buddy you keep in touch with. For that matter, there is actually a Safe Call group on FetLife, where members offer up to be the safe call for others. The biggest thing is to have someone who can call the police if you miss your call in's. Sure, even better if it's someone who can physically check on you, but it's not necessary.


It’s a solid idea and I will put something in place. I appreciate it.


----------



## GC1234

In Absentia said:


> He wants to get in your pants...


Isn't that the goal of everyone after a certain point? LOL


----------



## ConanHub

GC1234 said:


> Isn't that the goal of everyone after a certain point? LOL


Some of this thread has me laughing and shaking my head.

Like desiring sex with someone is shifty?

I also rolled my eyes at the comment that his confident invite to dinner was a trait of cheating men??

I let it go but for crying out loud! I'm as bold as daylight and I don't cheat.🙄


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Some of this thread has me laughing and shaking my head.
> 
> Like desiring sex with someone is shifty?
> 
> I also rolled my eyes at the comment that his confident invite to dinner was a trait of cheating men??
> 
> I let it go but for crying out loud! I'm as bold as daylight and I don't cheat.🙄


I’ve gotten sage advise, as always. Certainly peppered with nefarious inclinations but it is TAM. 😂 We all check behind every door. 
My biggest concern is any drama I may bring to him. Not from me personally but my situation. He has young children and I have to keep that in mind. I’m not about harming anyone.
If there was no extenuating circumstances I would not hesitate accepting the invite and making it clear to him exactly what I want. Unfortunately there are issues that I don’t have control over 100 percent as of yet.


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I’ve gotten sage advise, as always. Certainly peppered with nefarious inclinations but it is TAM. 😂 We all check behind every door.
> My biggest concern is any drama I may bring to him. Not from me personally but my situation. He has young children and I have to keep that in mind. I’m not about harming anyone.
> If there was no extenuating circumstances I would not hesitate accepting the invite and making it clear to him exactly what I want. Unfortunately there are issues that I don’t have control over 100 percent as of yet.


Yup. I'm not advocating for or against dinner.

I'm just rolling my eyes and laughing at some of the POV's and conclusions about your "nefarious" neighbor.😉

I'm also leaving my opinion about your stbx and how to handle that out as my methods violate forum guidelines.🙂


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Yup. I'm not advocating for or against dinner.
> 
> I'm just rolling my eyes and laughing at some of the POV's and conclusions about your "nefarious" neighbor.😉
> 
> I'm also leaving my opinion about your stbx and how to handle that out as my methods violate forum guidelines.🙂


Being as I have encountered first hand some serious nefarious behavior his ulterior motives are of very little concern. I’m pretty sure if we both put our cards on the table we would be holding the same hand. 😉
The best I can hope for is that Karma kicks in and my STBX gets his fair share. 
I would be curious of your methods anyway...😂


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I would be curious of your methods anyway...😂


Your neighbor lacks nefariousness which is a key difference between us.😁


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Your neighbor lacks nefariousness which is a key difference between us.😁


Well you never really know someone do ya? 
I know exactly what I am ready for. What I want. Until I’m sure I can pull it off with no harm coming to anyone else I will have to put it on the back burner. I’m bummed...


----------



## ccpowerslave

Torninhalf said:


> Well you never really know someone do ya?
> I know exactly what I am ready for. What I want. Until I’m sure I can pull it off with no harm coming to anyone else I will have to put it on the back burner. I’m bummed...


Meh that may never happen when you’re dealing with unstable people in terms of a 100% guarantee but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll find the balance.

After the crap you have put up with you certainly deserve to do things that make you happy.


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> Well you never really know someone do ya?
> I know exactly what I am ready for. What I want. Until I’m sure I can pull it off with no harm coming to anyone else I will have to put it on the back burner. I’m bummed...


Hmm. Just to avoid misunderstanding, I was referring to my methods of dealing with men like your stbx.

You might have got me but I'm making certain for everyone.

It's easy to be misread from across the keyboard.😉


----------



## Torninhalf

ccpowerslave said:


> Meh that may never happen when you’re dealing with unstable people in terms of a 100% guarantee but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll find the balance.
> 
> After the crap you have put up with you certainly deserve to do things that make you happy.


Thank you and I think it is time as well. Far overdue...


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Hmm. Just to avoid misunderstanding, I was referring to my methods of dealing with men like your stbx.


So was I. 😂


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> So was I. 😂


I figured but I have been seriously misread a couple times over the years here.😳


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> I figured but I have been seriously misread a couple times over the years here.😳


Bound to happen at some point. 😂


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> Well if I wait 6 years I’ll be 60 if I’m lucky to live that long. 😂


I married again at age 50 so not too much different from your age now really. That just happened to be when we met and then married, 6 years after my first marriage ended. For him it was much sooner but they had been separated for a year before they briefly got back together before she met another man. 

Anyway, hope things go ok for you in the divorce etc.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> I married again at age 50 so not too much different from your age now really. That just happened to be when we met and then married, 6 years after my first marriage ended. For him it was much sooner but they had been separated for a year before they briefly got back together before she met another man.
> 
> Anyway, hope things go ok for you in the divorce etc.


Thank you Diana...I always appreciate your input and perspective.


----------



## Openminded

If you weren’t removing yourself from an abusive husband, I would say, sure, dinner with the neighbor tomorrow or next week or whatever is great. But you obviously aren’t dealing with a normal situation. Better — or safer — to wait until you are divorced.


----------



## Torninhalf

Openminded said:


> If you weren’t removing yourself from an abusive husband, I would say, sure, dinner with the neighbor tomorrow or next week or whatever is great. But you obviously aren’t dealing with a normal situation. Better — or safer — to wait until you are divorced.


I’m inclined to agree it may be better to wait a little while.


----------



## jlg07

And Torn, there is no reason to NOT explain this to your neighbor -- your H is an issue until you divorce and you don't want HIM or his children to get any repercussions.
Talk with him like you do now, let him know that if he still wants to, when the H is out of the picture, you would be happy to have dinner.


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> And Torn, there is no reason to NOT explain this to your neighbor -- your H is an issue until you divorce and you don't want HIM or his children to get any repercussions.
> Talk with him like you do now, let him know that if he still wants to, when the H is out of the picture, you would be happy to have dinner.


I’m going to text him in a little bit and tell him just that. 
The thought of it was nice for a while. 😂


----------



## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> If you weren’t removing yourself from an abusive husband, I would say, sure, dinner with the neighbor tomorrow or next week or whatever is great. But you obviously aren’t dealing with a normal situation. Better — or safer — to wait until you are divorced.


Or until he is busily dating the next victim.


----------



## Torninhalf

I know I could keep “this” under wraps if I was so inclined. I’ve learned from the best and it’s less than a 5 second sprint from my door to his...maybe 7 if I’m in heels. 
I am concerned at this moment that it may not have cooled off enough and rather be safe than sorry. 
I may be kicking myself after I text him though...😂


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> I know I could keep “this” under wraps if I was so inclined. I’ve learned from the best and it’s less than a 5 second sprint from my door to his...maybe 7 if I’m in heels.
> I am concerned at this moment that it may not have cooled off enough and rather be safe than sorry.
> I may be kicking myself after I text him though...😂


Why can’t you talk via text for awhile? Check in, build a friendship... FaceTime. It could be fun.


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> Why can’t you talk via text for awhile? Check in, build a friendship... FaceTime. It could be fun.


Honestly I would like too but I don’t know if the STBX is looking at my phone logs. The neighbor and I have texted over the years about random things...hey any chance you have an extra egg...Can you watch my house while I’m gone...It would not be unusual if his number showed up but any increase in frequency would be a red flag. 
If I have learned anything from my ex it is what NOT to do. 😂


----------



## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> Or until he is busily dating the next victim.


Absolutely. I think we’re all hoping that’s a very quick turn-around so Torn can finally enjoy her life.


----------



## dubsey

Text him a couple times, then swap it over to another messaging app you know the stbx won't have access to... facebook messenger, twitter or instagram DM or something like that.


----------



## Torninhalf

dubsey said:


> Text him a couple times, then swap it over to another messaging app you know the stbx won't have access to... facebook messenger, twitter or instagram DM or something like that.


Maybe I’ll try words with friends. That is what my STBXH used. 😂


----------



## ConanHub

I'm just picturing you flying across the yard, fully done up with dress flying out with heels on.😆


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> I'm just picturing you flying across the yard, fully done up with dress flying out with heels on.😆


My luck I’ll break my ankle. 😂


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> Honestly I would like too but I don’t know if the STBX is looking at my phone logs. The neighbor and I have texted over the years about random things...hey any chance you have an extra egg...Can you watch my house while I’m gone...It would not be unusual if his number showed up but any increase in frequency would be a red flag.
> If I have learned anything from my ex it is what NOT to do. 😂


OMG woman, time for new phone service.


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> OMG woman, time for new phone service.


Yes I know but we have one of those family plans that everyone is on to save money. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> Yes I know but we have one of those family plans that everyone is on to save money. 😂🤷🏼‍♀️


Snapchat, VPN for WiFi usage. How to think like a cheater. 🤔


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> Snapchat, VPN for WiFi usage. How to think like a cheater. 🤔


I didn’t think I would be in this position so soon or at all actually. 😂


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I didn’t think I would be in this position so soon or at all actually. 😂


I think you are wise to leave it a while abusive husband or not. Just let things settle and calm down first.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> I think you are wise to leave it a while abusive husband or not. Just let things settle and calm down first.


I respect your opinion for sure but if the abusive husband was not in the picture I would tell him not to worry about the food and get lots of condoms. 😂😳🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## jlg07

Torninhalf said:


> Maybe I’ll try words with friends. That is what my STBXH used. 😂


THAT would be justice....


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> THAT would be justice....


Right? There is more ways than one that this entire scenario would be justice. 😉


----------



## jlg07

Torn, it sounds like you could really be in to your neighbor, (or him into you!??)
When you text him LET HIM KNOW that you are interested if that is the case so he doesn't think you are just trying to nicely blow him off!


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> Torn, it sounds like you could really be in to your neighbor, (or him into you!??)
> When you text him LET HIM KNOW that you are interested if that is the case so he doesn't think you are just trying to nicely blow him off!


I don’t know if I am into him as much as I am into his body at the moment. 😳


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I respect your opinion for sure but if the abusive husband was not in the picture I would tell him not to worry about the food and get lots of condoms. 😂😳🤷🏼‍♀️


Hahaha! You little horndog you!,😆


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha! You little horndog you!,😆


I’m not ashamed. I want to take a ride. Let my hair down. Screw someone I don’t want to vomit afterwards. 😳😂


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not ashamed. I want to take a ride. Let my hair down. Screw someone I don’t want to vomit afterwards. 😳😂


I'm the last person that would say there was any shame to your game.🙂


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> I'm the last person that would say there was any shame to your game.🙂


I’m wondering if I should give him some real details. Let him know he would be my second. 😉


----------



## jlg07

Torninhalf said:


> I’m not ashamed. I want to take a ride. Let my hair down. Screw someone I don’t want to vomit afterwards. 😳😂


Giddyup! 😈


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> Giddyup! 😈


😂


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I’m wondering if I should give him some real details. Let him know he would be my second. 😉


If you're relationship gets to the point where you think he should know or you think it would benefit you.

It would probably make him that much more eager.😈😁


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> If you're relationship gets to the point where you think he should know or you think it would benefit you.
> 
> It would probably make him that much more eager.😈😁


That is what I was wondering. It’s not like our previous interactions were hey can I borrow and egg how many men have you screwed. 😂


----------



## jlg07

Torn, the first guy you do decide to get with is in for a VERY FUN time! Just make sure you do it for YOU and not some sort of revenge or rebellion from what you have had to deal with because of your H (who, btw, is a HUGE ass and NOT a good person at all -- sorry to see he is in ANY sort of authority position).


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> Torn, the first guy you do decide to get with is in for a VERY FUN time! Just make sure you do it for YOU and not some sort of revenge or rebellion from what you have had to deal with because of your H (who, btw, is a HUGE ass and NOT a good person at all -- sorry to see he is in ANY sort of authority position).


If there is some revenge my neighbor will benefit I promise you that. I’m sure he would be forgiving. 😉


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> That is what I was wondering. It’s not like our previous interactions were hey can I borrow and egg how many men have you screwed. 😂


Personally, I wouldn't care or think of it even.

You should probably only consider it if it benefits you somehow.

Besides, you're asking to borrow some sausage to go with your eggs now.😋


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Personally, I wouldn't care or think of it even.
> 
> You should probably only consider it if it benefits you somehow.
> 
> Besides, you're asking to borrow some sausage to go with your eggs now.😋


Well technically he borrowed the eggs...


----------



## jlg07

Torninhalf said:


> If there is some revenge my neighbor will benefit I promise you that. I’m sure he would be forgiving. 😉


I was actually thinking that you don't want to hurt YOU in the long run (do something in the heat of the thought that YOU would regret in the future -- sort of "Damn I wish I hadn't done that just to get even..." type of thing!


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> I was actually thinking that you don't want to hurt YOU in the long run (do something in the heat of the thought that YOU would regret in the future -- sort of "Damn I wish I hadn't done that just to get even..." type of thing!


I get that for sure! To be honest nothing I could do at this point would level the playing field or make me feel bad.


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> I respect your opinion for sure but if the abusive husband was not in the picture I would tell him not to worry about the food and get lots of condoms. 😂😳🤷🏼‍♀️


Baha! Some man is going to be so very lucky, and very tired in the near future. Yeehaw!


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> Baha! Some man is going to be so very lucky, and very tired in the near future. Yeehaw!


I think I will leave my whip at home the first time...yeehaw. 😂


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> I think I will leave my whip at home the first time...yeehaw. 😂


But wear your boots for sure.....if nothing else.😁


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> But wear your boots for sure.....if nothing else.😁


I’m either in jeans and boots or running short and sneakers. 😉


----------



## ConanHub

I've got to take a break from this thread!😆

Mrs. Conan walked into the bedroom maybe about a year ago, I can't remember the occasion, wearing boots, my hat and heart pasties in strategic places.

I'm thinking she's going to get some Conan steak tonight!😊


----------



## jsmart

Mr friendly neighbor is about to get his world rocked. . It’s been a long time since you’ve been with a new man so don’t get to buck wild and break the guy.


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> I've got to take a break from this thread!😆
> 
> Mrs. Conan walked into the bedroom maybe about a year ago, I can't remember the occasion, wearing boots, my hat and heart pasties in strategic places.
> 
> I'm thinking she's going to get some Conan steak tonight!😊


😂


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> Mr friendly neighbor is about to get his world rocked. . It’s been a long time since you’ve been with a new man so don’t get to buck wild and break the guy.


A girl has goals. Seriously though he is 18 years younger than me so I doubt I can hurt him.


----------



## ConanHub

Torninhalf said:


> A girl has goals. Seriously though he is 18 years younger than me so I doubt I can hurt him.


Holy moly! I was pretty sure but now I'm convinced.

He's cougar hunting or being hunted himself!😃

As long as you both have understanding, and I seriously doubt you two don't, you guys should have all the fun you want.😉


----------



## Torninhalf

ConanHub said:


> Holy moly! I was pretty sure but now I'm convinced.
> 
> He's cougar hunting or being hunted himself!😃
> 
> As long as you both have understanding, and I seriously doubt you two don't, you guys should have all the fun you want.😉


Well we don’t have anything written down. 😂 I didn’t focus on his age but he is younger. His son is 5 mine is 32. I figured he knew that. 😂 I mean mine has a Harley not a power wheels 😂


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> Well we don’t have anything written down. 😂 I didn’t focus on his age but he is younger. His son is 5 mine is 32. I figured he knew that. 😂 I mean mine has a Harley not a power wheels 😂


So he is near the same age as your son? Yikes. If anything did come of it would you want to help parent a 5 year old?


----------



## Affaircare

Torninhalf said:


> Maybe I’ll try words with friends. That is what my STBXH used. 😂


You are a firecracker 🧨


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> So he is near the same age as your son? Yikes. If anything did come of it would you want to help parent a 5 year old?


Well my son isn’t 18 so it isn’t as pervey as that seems.


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> I respect your opinion for sure but if the abusive husband was not in the picture I would tell him not to worry about the food and get lots of condoms. 😂😳🤷🏼‍♀️


Thats your choice of course but dont do anything you may regret later when things calm down. There is a reason why we are told not to make any rash decisions after a bad event in our lives.


----------



## Affaircare




----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> Well my son isn’t 18 so it isn’t as pervey as that seems.


Its never been something I was interested in, being with a man of my dads or my sons age. Cant see the attraction of either.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> Its never been something I was interested in, being with a man of my dads or my sons age. Cant see the attraction of either.


Well my dads age I get. He is long passed and was in his 80’s. This man is in his late 30’s. he isn’t shaving for the first time.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Hang on - neighbour guy is in his 30's as is your son? And you are in your 50's? OK so he definitely has been waiting for his chance to pounce and get his leg over and nothing else (not that there is anything wrong with that from your point of view as you are not looking for a relationship). I now get the lusting after his body.


----------



## QuietRiot

manfromlamancha said:


> Hang on - neighbour guy is in his 30's as is your son? And you are in your 50's? OK so he definitely has been waiting for his chance to pounce and get his leg over and nothing else (not that there is anything wrong with that from your point of view as you are not looking for a relationship). I now get the lusting after his body.


She also has mentioned that she’s a runner. I imagine him gazing out his window while she bounces by...yep he’s been waiting for his chance for a while me thinks.


----------



## ABHale

Torninhalf said:


> You are too kind. I wish I had your confidence. 😁


You are humble and modest, know wonder he moved quickly. 😎


----------



## jsmart

Torninhalf said:


> A girl has goals. Seriously though he is 18 years younger than me so I doubt I can hurt him.


Wait, this is a 36 year trying to hit up a recently separated 54 year old neighbor?Yea, that is strange.


----------



## ConanHub

jsmart said:


> Wait, this is a 36 year trying to hit up a recently separated 54 year old neighbor?Yea, that is strange.


Hahaha. Not really.😉


----------



## ccpowerslave

ConanHub said:


> Hahaha. Not really.😉


Agreed not strange at all.


----------



## joannacroc

Why is it weird that there are attractive women in their 50s who could pull guys in their 30s? When I was in a relationship most recently he was 50 and I was late 30s. I found him very attractive.


----------



## Torninhalf

Maybe I should have mentioned his age in the beginning? 🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## ConanHub

joannacroc said:


> Why is it weird that there are attractive women in their 50s who could pull guys in their 30s? When I was in a relationship most recently he was 50 and I was late 30s. I found him very attractive.


When Mrs. Conan was in her early fifties she was in the best shape of her life and was at a crazy fitness level.

She sometimes garnered the attention of younglings in their twenties.

We both giggled about it and we give each other a hard time and joke with each other anytime we get attention/flirted with/hit on by others..😁

It would have been pretty obvious to anyone what a relationship between Mrs. Conan in her fifties would have been with the lustful guy in his twenties.😉


----------



## CN2622

Any update? Any dinner plans in the works?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Any update? Any dinner plans in the works?


Nope. No concrete plans have been made. Just waiting a bit to decide what I want to do. 😁


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Nope. No concrete plans have been made. Just waiting a bit to decide what I want to do. 😁


What you want to do as in go on a date with him or not or if you want to try FWB?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> What you want to do as in go on a date with him or not or if you want to try FWB?


Simply deciding if I should have dinner with him for now. 😂


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Simply deciding if I should have dinner with him for now. 😂


Lol ok...if that’s what you say. I hope he is a good cook.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Simply deciding if I should have dinner with him for now. 😂


Somehow I don’t believe you lol just kidding. I’m glad you have something positive to look forward to. What would an ideal date with him look like?


----------



## CN2622

@Torninhalf sorry if I am asking too many questions.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Somehow I don’t believe you lol just kidding. I’m glad you have something positive to look forward to. What would an ideal date with him look like?


Well the last time I dated was in the 1980’s so is roller skating still a thing? 😂


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Well the last time I dated was in the 1980’s so is roller skating still a thing? 😂


Lol I don’t believe so. I think Netflix and Chill is the only thing that young people do now when they date. Bowling alleys don’t really exist anymore either.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Lol I don’t believe so. I think Netflix and Chill is the only thing that young people do now when they date. Bowling alleys don’t really exist anymore either.


Netflix and chill is a typical Friday night for me. 😂


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Netflix and chill is a typical Friday night for me. 😂


Well what is something fun you would like to do with neighbor man? Bike ride? Spa day? Walk along whatever type of water that is near you? Maybe you could surprise him with a date.


----------



## CN2622

What’s your current show you are watching? Maybe he likes it also


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Well what is something fun you would like to do with neighbor man? Bike ride? Spa day? Walk along whatever type of water that is near you? Maybe you could surprise him with a date.


I think I will first decide if having dinner is on the agenda and then take it from there. I’m not in the position to be taking bike rides and the like.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> I think I will first decide if having dinner is on the agenda and then take it from there. I’m not in the position to be taking bike rides and the like.


Sounds good. Keep us updated. I’m rooting for an excellent dinner and just good quality convo.


----------



## CN2622

You don’t want to just jump his bones right away I think like the others said. I bet it would feel really great to have amazing food and an intellectual conversation with a respectful man.


----------



## CN2622

@Torninhalf you having a positive outcome gives me hope for my own situation.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> @Torninhalf you having a positive outcome gives me hope for my own situation.


Really? How so?


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Really? How so?


Seeing someone who had a bad relationship, get out of it and already have another man interested who seems respectful gives me hope that even in the worst part of a relationship when you feel there is no hope anything can happen and maybe something really can change overnight.


----------



## CN2622

CN2622 said:


> Seeing someone who had a bad relationship, get out of it and already have another man interested who seems respectful gives me hope that even in the worst part of a relationship when you feel there is no hope anything can happen and maybe something really can change overnight.


Also only being on this message board a few days but seeing how positive most people are and respectful and adult they are about sensitive or private topics gives me positivity that I have found a group of people who are around to provide support if I’m ever feeling down and provide different perspectives and life experiences.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Seeing someone who had a bad relationship, get out of it and already have another man interested who seems respectful gives me hope that even in the worst part of a relationship when you feel there is no hope anything can happen and maybe something really can change overnight.


Well nothing has happened over night. It’s been a long haul. I’m glad you are feeling optimistic


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Well nothing has happened over night. It’s been a long haul. I’m glad you are feeling optimistic


Well I guess I am just saying you have the possibility of some future happiness and seeing other people have positive outcomes gives me hope that I will also.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Well I guess I am just saying you have the possibility of some future happiness and seeing other people have positive outcomes gives me hope that I will also.


You will. You are very young and very newly married.


----------



## jsmart

You haven’t been with a new man since the 80s? Wow, that is going to be HOT.

Now I see why he pounced so quickly. Whoever has that first encounter with you is in for something special.


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> You haven’t been with a new man since the 80s? Wow, that is going to be HOT.
> 
> Now I see why he pounced so quickly. Whoever has that first encounter with you is in for something special.


Married my one and only 😳😉


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Married my one and only 😳😉


Does that scare you?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Does that scare you?


Should it?


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Should it?


I don’t think so. I just didn’t know why other people were making a big deal about it. I mean what’s there to be afraid of?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> I don’t think so. I just didn’t know why other people were making a big deal about it. I mean what’s there to be afraid of?


I think most of the concerns stem from my situation. Putting other people in the middle of a mess isn’t quite fair.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> I think most of the concerns stem from my situation. Putting other people in the middle of a mess isn’t quite fair.


I understand completely. I really really really hope things work out with you and this neighbor. You sound like you deserve some fun.


----------



## CN2622

CN2622 said:


> I understand completely. I really really really hope things work out with you and this neighbor. You sound like you deserve some fun.





Torninhalf said:


> Married my one and only 😳😉


sometimes I wonder if this is the root of my issues also.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> sometimes I wonder if this is the root of my issues also.


I don’t think so. I don’t have the issues your wife has.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> I don’t think so. I don’t have the issues your wife has.


Oh I know I wasn’t saying it was an issue for you. I was saying I wonder if it is an issue for me for some things I am dealing with in my own head.


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Oh I know I wasn’t saying it was an issue for you. I was saying I wonder if it is an issue for me for some things I am dealing with in my own head.


That is what this forum is for. I think you have gotten a ton of good advise.


----------



## CN2622

Well hopefully we hear about a positive dinner date soon and no future drama.


----------



## jsmart

Torninhalf said:


> Married my one and only 😳😉


That makes you that much more of a catch. The first guy that gets to have you, is in for something special. Not because of any wantonness but of getting a chance to experience the vulnerability of a woman who has not known another man for half her life. You’re a catch and don’t even know it.


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> That makes you that much more of a catch. The first guy that gets to have you, is in for something special. Not because of any wantonness but of getting a chance to experience the vulnerability of a woman who has not known another man for half her life. You’re a catch and don’t even know it.


That is very kind of you. Thank you. ☺


----------



## CN2622

How do you think you’ll decide if you want to have dinner date?


----------



## lucy999

First, I am SO glad you're safe.

I'm very late to this party but I see you haven't accepted the dinner date yet.

I think it's super cool that neighbor dude smoothly moved in right away. It's incredibly intoxicating when a man sees what he wants and goes for it. He wasn't "grooming". Neighbors talk and are friendly--nothing creepy about it. He was plain as day when he said he liked you and always had. Not a damn thing wrong with that. 

I don't think in another set of circumstances, there's anything wrong with accepting that dinner date (and yes it is a date).

There are people here who say, who cares what your STBXH thinks? I am a stranger on the internet and I care! (I was in a physically abusive relationship, too.) And you should, too. Do not underestimate him now just because he is gone. Your husband is clearly dangerous (he broke your arm FFS) and he has a high position of power. I would be afraid that he'd find out about this date (he would have his ways to find out if he really wanted to) and make your and the neighbor's life a living hell.

And of course, like another poster said, he could tell all and sundry that you've been screwing your neighbor the whole time. But that might not matter to you and that's ok.

I do think you're being extremely smart by thinking about it before you answer.

Under normal circumstances, I would immediately say go and have a great time, hell, even **** him if you want! But this is different.

Regardless, I am so happy that you're GTFO of that horrible marriage. Good for you.


----------



## Torninhalf

lucy999 said:


> First, I am SO glad you're safe.
> 
> I'm very late to this party but I see you haven't accepted the dinner date yet.
> 
> I think it's super cool that neighbor dude smoothly moved in right away. It's incredibly intoxicating when a man sees what he wants and goes for it. He wasn't "grooming". Neighbors talk and are friendly--nothing creepy about it. He was plain as day when he said he liked you and always had. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
> 
> I don't think in another set of circumstances, there's anything wrong with accepting that dinner date (and yes it is a date).
> 
> There are people here who say, who cares what your STBXH thinks? I am a stranger on the internet and I care! (I was in a physically abusive relationship, too.) And you should, too. Do not underestimate him now just because he is gone. Your husband is clearly dangerous (he broke your arm FFS) and he has a high position of power. I would be afraid that he'd find out about this date (he would have his ways to find out if he really wanted to) and make your and the neighbor's life a living hell.
> 
> And of course, like another poster said, he could tell all and sundry that you've been screwing your neighbor the whole time. But that might not matter to you and that's ok.
> 
> I do think you're being extremely smart by thinking about it before you answer.
> 
> Under normal circumstances, I would immediately say go and have a great time, hell, even **** him if you want! But this is different.
> 
> Regardless, I am so happy that you're GTFO of that horrible marriage. Good for you.


I would love nothing more than to throw caution to the wind but sadly I can’t. I can’t put someone else in harms way just to satisfy my selfish needs. That would make me no better than my STBXH. 
Thank you very much!


----------



## Openminded

I know it’s really tempting once the problem spouse is gone to reclaim your life. I bought several especially nice “divorce gifts” — just because I could do whatever I wanted (the sensible side of me didn’t approve, and still thinks that was ridiculous, but I did it anyway). Your situation is different and it’s good that you recognize now isn’t the time to get carried away. Later, though, is another story.


----------



## Harold Demure

Secretly, kind of glad you aren’t going to rush in to this as a) I think your husband would find out, irrespective of how careful you may be and b) I am pretty sure there would be unfavourable repercussions if he did. Even if he didn’t react straight away, would it always be in the back of your mind that he might and have that hanging over you?

You do have a style and integrity about you that will make you an attractive proposition and the neighbour will still be around later.

Sorry it isn’t a “fill your boots” type of answer.


----------



## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> Secretly, kind of glad you aren’t going to rush in to this as a) I think your husband would find out, irrespective of how careful you may be and b) I am pretty sure there would be unfavourable repercussions if he did. Even if he didn’t react straight away, would it always be in the back of your mind that he might and have that hanging over you?
> 
> You do have a style and integrity about you that will make you an attractive proposition and the neighbour will still be around later.
> 
> Sorry it isn’t a “fill your boots” type of answer.


No need to be sorry. What you say is true. The time will come. I just have to be patient. Not my strong suit though. 😂


----------



## jlg07

Torninhalf said:


> Should it?


I think it should scare HIM!!!!  Seriously, you are going to be a great catch for your NEW guy, WHEN the time comes.

Torn, I know you have had a really crap time from your H, BUT I will say this -- on this board, your personality really seems to shine through -- you have kept your sense of humor for SURE! You will be fine.


----------



## pastasauce79

Torninhalf said:


> Well the last time I dated was in the 1980’s so is roller skating still a thing? 😂


Sure it is! 

My husband and I go roller skating with the kids. We invite their friends so we can roller skate alone!


----------



## Torninhalf

jlg07 said:


> I think it should scare HIM!!!!  Seriously, you are going to be a great catch for your NEW guy, WHEN the time comes.
> 
> Torn, I know you have had a really crap time from your H, BUT I will say this -- on this board, your personality really seems to shine through -- you have kept your sense of humor for SURE! You will be fine.


I’m trying. 😁 I will admit, with shame, that I wasted so much time. I’m trying not to waste more time wallowing in that shame. I don’t know why it took me as long as it did but it did and now I am hoping for a chance to just do me. I have no idea what that may look like but I’m not afraid of it anymore. 
I think I thought I was buried but in reality I was just growing stronger roots. I’m excited to see what the bloom looks like.


----------



## Torninhalf

pastasauce79 said:


> Sure it is!
> 
> My husband and I go roller skating with the kids. We invite their friends so we can roller skate alone!


Love it! Throw in a little Air Supply and I will be transported back in time. 😁


----------



## Harold Demure

Torninhalf said:


> Well the last time I dated was in the 1980’s so is roller skating still a thing? 😂


Your a mere youngster! Last time I dated was in the early 70’s. Are Afghan Coats, flares and tie dye t shirts still a thing? I hope so, because I still wear mine.


----------



## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> Your a mere youngster! Last time I dated was in the early 70’s. Are Afghan Coats, flares and tie dye t shirts still a thing? I hope so, because I still wear mine.


I love tie dye! Made some tie dye onesies for my grandson. 😂


----------



## TXTrini

Torninhalf said:


> The last thing I want are any more messes to clean up. You are correct.
> I have zero intentions on waiting years. Months even seem way to long at this juncture. I have waited far too long already. In another thread here there was conversation about hysterical bonding. I did that far too much to my great humiliation in hindsight. Like a sorbet that cleanses ones palate between meal courses I need to get the taste of him off of my tongue. The sooner the better.


Hey chick, I think you're keeping your head on and doing fine. Don't look backwards, it's the past, you're only guaranteed each day you wake up, nothing more. Just set your plan in motion and keep going forward, you'll know when you're ready.



jsmart said:


> Wait, this is a 36 year trying to hit up a recently separated 54 year old neighbor?Yea, that is strange.


If you saw what he saw, you wouldn't be surprised at all


----------



## Torninhalf

TXTrini said:


> Hey chick, I think you're keeping your head on and doing fine. Don't look backwards, it's the past, you're only guaranteed each day you wake up, nothing more. Just set your plan in motion and keep going forward, you'll know when you're ready.
> 
> 
> If you saw what he saw, you wouldn't be surprised at all


Get busy living or get busy dying! 😁
I know I have to play smart. 
I let my guard down way too many times and regretted it.
I‘m impatient by nature. 😂 so that makes this difficult.


----------



## TXTrini

Torninhalf said:


> Get busy living or get busy dying! 😁
> I know I have to play smart.
> I let my guard down way too many times and regretted it.
> I‘m impatient by nature. 😂 so that makes this difficult.


Ha! I totally relate, I'm super impatient too for some things. When I put my toe in the dating pool, the LAST thing I wanted was another relationship, but I quickly realized I don't like casual. Give yourself some grace to change your mind about what you want, and what works for you, don't be limited by other people's desires and restrictions. 

Of course, it means risking getting hurt, but so what? How the heck will you figure out who you are now (or who you want to be) without taking some risks stepping outside of your comfort zone? All I'm saying is, make an outline, and take care of business before you go jumping off any bridges.

You've already recognized even seeing the neighbor casually could put him in a tenuous position, and pulled back for the moment. Trust yourself and your instincts, try to think through actions/consequences but be open to possibility when opportunities come your way. You'll be fne!


----------



## bandit.45

Jump his bones.


----------



## Torninhalf

bandit.45 said:


> Jump his bones.


😂


----------



## ConanHub

bandit.45 said:


> Jump his bones.


👍


----------



## Torninhalf

So I thought I would give an update.
I spoke with my neighbor a short while ago.
I told him that I would like to have dinner with him but that things are complicated. 
He said when is life not complicated Torn? 
He went in to say that he has no desire to make things worse for me and he will accept any decision I make but he isn’t concerned for himself. He chuckled and said besides I can take the old man. 😂
I asked him what he was thinking...
He looked me dead in the eyes and said I was thinking how much I would like to keep that smile on your face. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? I want to get to know you better and I hope you give me that chance.

Damn if I didn’t blush like a school girl. 😂

I told him that I would like that very much and that if he was free next weekend I would be happy to join him for dinner and drinks. He replied that was perfect and he was very much looking forward to it. 😁


----------



## Rob_1

That's how a man should respond. being secure and upfront with intentions.

When I was around 15-16 years old a friend of my father (I can't remember whom) told me that I should ask out any girl that I might be interested, and to forget fear, and start getting use to rejection. He said to me: of out 100 girls you ask out most likely only one will say yes, so get used to rejection and fear will eventually disappear. I did applied that philosophy for the rest of my single life. I've been rejected countless of times but there was no fear of rejection from my part when asking. I learned to take rejection as a chance not wasted in "what if" because I didn't have the guts to ask.


----------



## Lostinthought61

At least now you know where he stands about you and where he would like to see this go. the ball is clearly in your court Torn....or should i say his balls....LOL sorry the jokes are too easy...i so need to grow up one of these days.


----------



## pastasauce79

Torninhalf said:


> I was thinking how much I would like to keep that smile on your face. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? I want to get to know you better and I hope you give me that chance.


I'm in love with your neighbor!


----------



## Torninhalf

Lostinthought61 said:


> At least now you know where he stands about you and where he would like to see this go. the ball is clearly in your court Torn....or should i say his balls....LOL sorry the jokes are too easy...i so need to grow up one of these days.


😂 Never grow up...😁😁


----------



## Torninhalf

Rob_1 said:


> That's how a man should respond. being secure and upfront with intentions.
> 
> When I was around 15-16 years old a friend of my father (I can't remember whom) told me that I should ask out any girl that I might be interested, and to forget fear, and start getting use to rejection. He said to me: of out 100 girls you ask out most likely only one will say yes, so get used to rejection and fear will eventually disappear. I did applied that philosophy for the rest of my single life. I've been rejected countless of times but there was no fear of rejection from my part when asking. I learned to take rejection as a chance not wasted in "what if" because I didn't have the guts to ask.


Sage advise. 😁


----------



## Torninhalf

pastasauce79 said:


> I'm in love with your neighbor!


Ohhhh it was sooo smooth. 😁


----------



## Diana7

Torninhalf said:


> So I thought I would give an update.
> I spoke with my neighbor a short while ago.
> I told him that I would like to have dinner with him but that things are complicated.
> He said when is life not complicated Torn?
> He went in to say that he has no desire to make things worse for me and he will accept any decision I make but he isn’t concerned for himself. He chuckled and said besides I can take the old man. 😂
> I asked him what he was thinking...
> He looked me dead in the eyes and said I was thinking how much I would like to keep that smile on your face. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? I want to get to know you better and I hope you give me that chance.
> 
> Damn if I didn’t blush like a school girl. 😂
> 
> I told him that I would like that very much and that if he was free next weekend I would be happy to join him for dinner and drinks. He replied that was perfect and he was very much looking forward to it. 😁


It's all good him being full of bravado, but a dodgy high ranking policeman can make life very hard for him in so many ways. He has a small child to think of.


----------



## Torninhalf

Diana7 said:


> It's all good him being full of bravado, but a dodgy high ranking policeman can make life very hard for him in so many ways. He has a small child to think of.


That he does. I do believe that he has thought about that.


----------



## SunCMars

Torninhalf said:


> I think you are right! I know what I don’t want...maybe I just don’t know exactly what I do want.


You tell fibs, poorly.

_The Typist_ has been vigorously banging on the closet door, wanting to be released and to respond.
Nope, not happening.

He reads you like a romance novel (novelette?).


----------



## Torninhalf

SunCMars said:


> You tell fibs, poorly.
> 
> _The Typist_ has been vigorously banging on the closet door, wanting to be released and to respond.
> Nope, not happening.
> 
> He reads you like a romance novel (novelette?).


Ahhhh...if that were only true.
Far too jaded to believe in romance myself but others still dream don’t they?


----------



## manfromlamancha

I would ask him why he couldn't keep that smile on his wife's face earlier and was she not beautiful too? Sorry - I still not sure about the kind of guy he is but I will agree he is smooth.


----------



## Torninhalf

manfromlamancha said:


> I would ask him why he couldn't keep that smile on his wife's face earlier and was she not beautiful too? Sorry - I still not sure about the kind of guy he is but I will agree he is smooth.


I suppose I could have asked him that if I wanted to be off putting. What I know is his wife has been gone for a few years. I‘ve never really asked any pointed questions as I never thought it was my business.


----------



## Ms. Hawaii

manfromlamancha said:


> I would ask him why he couldn't keep that smile on his wife's face earlier and was she not beautiful too?


Umm that would be rude. 

Dude hasn’t done anything wrong. He just asked her out 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Harold Demure

Have written down what he said Torninhalf and may use it later 🤣. 

Look after yourself.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Torninhalf said:


> So I thought I would give an update.
> I spoke with my neighbor a short while ago.
> I told him that I would like to have dinner with him but that things are complicated.
> He said when is life not complicated Torn?
> He went in to say that he has no desire to make things worse for me and he will accept any decision I make but he isn’t concerned for himself. He chuckled and said besides I can take the old man. 😂
> I asked him what he was thinking...
> He looked me dead in the eyes and said I was thinking how much I would like to keep that smile on your face. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? I want to get to know you better and I hope you give me that chance.
> 
> Damn if I didn’t blush like a school girl. 😂
> 
> I told him that I would like that very much and that if he was free next weekend I would be happy to join him for dinner and drinks. He replied that was perfect and he was very much looking forward to it. 😁


Good for you!

And good for him, too. A good answer. Odds are he's lived long enough to be able to make his own choices.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Umm that would be rude.
> 
> Dude hasn’t done anything wrong. He just asked her out
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So this younger guy has been lusting after his neighbour's wife waiting for his chance to try out his (very cheesy) smooth line - and he is divorced and Torn doesn't know much about him other than he has been chatting her up all this time and waiting for the husband to be out of the picture. I would say to Torn that maybe finding out about why he was divorced might give you a clue as to whether he is as cool as he makes out. Also his dumbass comment about being able to take the older Chief of Police down smells of trying to appear cooler than he really is (and to some extent he might actually get test this theory when he gets beaten up and locked up for something or the other). 

The point I am making is that maybe Torn needs to be more careful of the next dumbass that she lets into her life - her husband was one piece of work and she doesn't really another in her life. I am sure that there are dozens of decent guys who would be queueing up to date her. 

And yes damn right, it would be rude.


----------



## QuietRiot

Torninhalf said:


> So I thought I would give an update.
> I spoke with my neighbor a short while ago.
> I told him that I would like to have dinner with him but that things are complicated.
> He said when is life not complicated Torn?
> He went in to say that he has no desire to make things worse for me and he will accept any decision I make but he isn’t concerned for himself. He chuckled and said besides I can take the old man. 😂
> I asked him what he was thinking...
> He looked me dead in the eyes and said I was thinking how much I would like to keep that smile on your face. You have no idea how beautiful you are do you? I want to get to know you better and I hope you give me that chance.
> 
> Damn if I didn’t blush like a school girl. 😂
> 
> I told him that I would like that very much and that if he was free next weekend I would be happy to join him for dinner and drinks. He replied that was perfect and he was very much looking forward to it. 😁


I’d like to put my name on the wait list please. Lol just kidding have a great time! (Maybe go to a different town for your dinner date? Or another state? Mexico has good food I hear.)


----------



## Torninhalf

manfromlamancha said:


> So this younger guy has been lusting after his neighbour's wife waiting for his chance to try out his (very cheesy) smooth line - and he is divorced and Torn doesn't know much about him other than he has been chatting her up all this time and waiting for the husband to be out of the picture. I would say to Torn that maybe finding out about why he was divorced might give you a clue as to whether he is as cool as he makes out. Also his dumbass comment about being able to take the older Chief of Police down smells of trying to appear cooler than he really is (and to some extent he might actually get test this theory when he gets beaten up and locked up for something or the other).
> 
> The point I am making is that maybe Torn needs to be more careful of the next dumbass that she lets into her life - her husband was one piece of work and she doesn't really another in her life. I am sure that there are dozens of decent guys who would be queueing up to date her.
> 
> And yes damn right, it would be rude.


I don’t think he has been lusting after me or chatting me up. We have had normal neighbor interactions. 
He may turn out to be a complete bastard. I’m under no illusions otherwise.
I have no intention on letting anyone “in my life”. I’m simply looking forward to adult male companionship for an evening. 
I appreciate your input as I do everyone’s.


----------



## pastasauce79

Torninhalf said:


> I suppose I could have asked him that if I wanted to be off putting. What I know is his wife has been gone for a few years. I‘ve never really asked any pointed questions as I never thought it was my business.


Have you paid attention to his routine? Have you seen women going in and out of his place?

You can tell how neighbors are just by paying attention to what they do during a normal day. I know my neighbors keep a clean garage and mine looks like a bomb went off in it, they mow the grass more often than us. Just little stalking observations can tell you how they are


----------



## Torninhalf

QuietRiot said:


> I’d like to put my name on the wait list please. Lol just kidding have a great time! (Maybe go to a different town for your dinner date? Or another state? Mexico has good food I hear.)


😂 
I think I’m just going to go to his house. Keeps my car in my driveway if anyone happens to be watching.


----------



## Torninhalf

pastasauce79 said:


> Have you paid attention to his routine? Have you seen women going in and out of his place?
> 
> You can tell how neighbors are just by paying attention to what they do during a normal day. I know my neighbors keep a clean garage and mine looks like a bomb went off in it, they mow the grass more often than us. Just little stalking observations can tell you how they are


I’ve never seen anything worrisome. Normal guy. Goes to work, comes home. Sees his kids. Last year he was dating someone but I have not seen her in a while. 🤷🏼‍♀️


----------



## Sfort

Torninhalf said:


> I’ve never seen anything worrisome. Normal guy. Goes to work, comes home. Sees his kids. Last year he was dating someone but I have not seen her in a while. 🤷🏼‍♀️


Do you see any freshly dug areas of his back yard? 

Just kidding!


----------



## Torninhalf

Sfort said:


> Do you see any freshly dug areas of his back yard?
> 
> Just kidding!


Hmmm...good question. 😂


----------



## mickybill

As someone who dated a neighbor for a while it was pretty great...until it wasn't. 
Just be ready for awkwardness...
And yes he has been keeping an eye on you for awhile...BTDT.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Torninhalf said:


> I don’t think he has been lusting after me or chatting me up. We have had normal neighbor interactions.
> He may turn out to be a complete bastard. I’m under no illusions otherwise.
> I have no intention on letting anyone “in my life”. I’m simply looking forward to adult male companionship for an evening.
> I appreciate your input as I do everyone’s.


So he "suddenly" develops an interest in putting a smile on your face as soon as your husband is out of the picture!?!?!? Out of the blue?!?!!?

I understand your needing adult male company especially after what you have been through. All I am saying is maybe you need to be a little careful with who that adult male company is. I get it that he is younger, has a better body than your husband etc etc. - I do. But if he is as bad as I am making out that will not put a smile on your face.


----------



## Torninhalf

mickybill said:


> As someone who dated a neighbor for a while it was pretty great...until it wasn't.
> Just be ready for awkwardness...
> And yes he has been keeping an eye on you for awhile...BTDT.


I can imagine it could get awkward. 
How bad? 😂


----------



## Torninhalf

manfromlamancha said:


> So he "suddenly" develops an interest in putting a smile on your face as soon as your husband is out of the picture!?!?!? Out of the blue?!?!!?
> 
> I understand your needing adult male company especially after what you have been through. All I am saying is maybe you need to be a little careful with who that adult male company is. I get it that he is younger, has a better body than your husband etc etc. - I do. But if he is as bad as I am making out that will not put a smile on your face.


My STBXH was gone for 6 months and we spoke a few times. Nothing led me to believe he was interested at that time.


----------



## jsmart

Besides the potential awkwardness of having to see that neighbor all the time if things go south in a STR, I’m most suspect of a guy that’s 18 years younger than you. 

it has nothing to do with Torn’s attractiveness, because I already told her she’s a catch. It just my spidey senses go off when I see such a huge age gap. My wife’s 54 and to my 56 year old eyes, she’s gorgeous. But if I’m honest, I can’t imagine feelings the same with my 38 year old eyes. Because when I see pics of my wife at 36, I’m like holy cow, I was hitting that? Yes they look similar but you can definitely notice the difference.

I mean no offense by that. I know it’s way more common for the man to be older but even for men, a huge age gap makes me do a WTF when I see it.


----------



## Torninhalf

jsmart said:


> Besides the potential awkwardness of having to see that neighbor all the time if things go south in a STR, I’m most suspect of a guy that’s 18 years younger than you.
> 
> it has nothing to do with Torn’s attractiveness, because I already told her she’s a catch. It just my spidey senses go off when I see such a huge age gap. My wife’s 54 and to my 56 year old eyes, she’s gorgeous. But if I’m honest, I can’t imagine feelings the same with my 38 year old eyes. Because when I see pics of my wife at 36, I’m like holy cow, I was hitting that? Yes they look similar but you can definitely notice the difference.
> 
> I mean no offense by that. I know it’s way more common for the man to be older but even for men, a huge age gap makes me do a WTF when I see it.


The age gap is huge. I’m shocked myself. 😳 I take no offense at all. 😁


----------



## ShatteredKat

To be friends with someone - especially after 30s-40s - I don't see the "age gap" as a problem.

Friends (as I relate) share common interests, hobbies, activities, and life philosophy.

so, 'age gap' seems to be a sort of crutch people use to pigeon hole how to behave when relating to others.

Now, me (very old fart) relating to a 20 year old? Well I remember very well my behaviour and perspective @ 20.

Now? No where near the same. For example - hitting all the bars in Key West till we couldn't walk straight.
At 20 - 'great fun' (now? WTF!!) - two beers and I get sleepy - not a fun thing.

so a sober meal with stimulating conversation - at any age between two people - is a goforit proposition.

Well? What if whormones kick in? (male or female) - well - time to put boundaries in gear and tread carefully.

Then again - Mae West had a certain perspective -


----------



## Torninhalf

ShatteredKat said:


> To be friends with someone - especially after 30s-40s - I don't see the "age gap" as a problem.
> 
> Friends (as I relate) share common interests, hobbies, activities, and life philosophy.
> 
> so, 'age gap' seems to be a sort of crutch people use to pigeon hole how to behave when relating to others.
> 
> Now, me (very old fart) relating to a 20 year old? Well I remember very well my behaviour and perspective @ 20.
> 
> Now? No where near the same. For example - hitting all the bars in Key West till we couldn't walk straight.
> At 20 - 'great fun' (now? WTF!!) - two beers and I get sleepy - not a fun thing.
> 
> so a sober meal with stimulating conversation - at any age between two people - is a goforit proposition.
> 
> Well? What if whormones kick in? (male or female) - well - time to put boundaries in gear and tread carefully.
> 
> Then again - Mae West had a certain perspective -


Mae West was quite a dame eh? 😂


----------



## Rob_1

Torninhalf said:


> Mae West was quite a dame eh? 😂


wasn't she that one for the quote: is that a pistol in your pocket or you're just happy to see me.


----------



## Torninhalf

Rob_1 said:


> wasn't she that one for the quote: is that a pistol in your pocket or you're just happy to see me.


😂


----------



## manfromlamancha

If it was Mae West, she would tell him that she was too much woman for him to handle!


----------



## joannacroc

Rob_1 said:


> wasn't she that one for the quote: is that a pistol in your pocket or you're just happy to see me.


Yeah and a lot of fabulous, bawdy quotes other than that. Mae West was fabulous. I bet she was a good time. I'd share a drink with her if I could.


----------



## hubbyintrubby

Has this dinner with younger neighbor dude happened yet? Inquiring minds want to know!


----------



## Torninhalf

hubbyintrubby said:


> Has this dinner with younger neighbor dude happened yet? Inquiring minds want to know!


It did! It was a very nice evening. Far less awkward than I had anticipated. Conversation was easy and he did actually cook. 😁


----------



## hubbyintrubby

That's fantastic. I'm happy it went well!


----------



## Torninhalf

hubbyintrubby said:


> That's fantastic. I'm happy it went well!


Me too! 😂


----------



## jsmart

Torninhalf said:


> It did! It was a very nice evening. Far less awkward than I had anticipated. Conversation was easy and he did actually cook. 😁


Since he cooked the dinner, did you bring the dessert, or were you the dessert.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Torninhalf said:


> Me too! 😂


So is there a second date?


----------



## jlg07

Torninhalf said:


> It did! It was a very nice evening. Far less awkward than I had anticipated. Conversation was easy and he did actually cook. 😁


Was that cook FOOD, or a different type of "cook"


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> It did! It was a very nice evening. Far less awkward than I had anticipated. Conversation was easy and he did actually cook. 😁


What did he cook?


----------



## Evinrude58

Hmmm did you give him any sugar?


----------



## Sfort

Damn, we are a nosy bunch! (So what's the answer?)


----------



## Torninhalf

I would never go empty handed. I did bring dessert. 😁


----------



## Evinrude58

Torninhalf said:


> I would never go empty handed. I did bring dessert. 😁


How thoughtful of you. I’ll bet he devoured....... dessert.


----------



## ABHale

pastasauce79 said:


> She has to decide then. But I hate the power he still has over her.


It is a power she has given him. Torninhalf decision to not press charges was her own choice. She has her reasons for it but the decision comes with it’s own consequences.

I can absolutely she her STBXH harassing the crap out of anyone she dates, if not a beat down.


----------



## ABHale

Glad the dinner went well.. You deserved a great night with someone after all the crap you have gone through. And we will leave it at that.


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## Torninhalf

ABHale said:


> It is a power she has given him. Torninhalf decision to not press charges was her own choice. She has her reasons for it but the decision comes with it’s own consequences.
> 
> I can absolutely she her STBXH harassing the crap out of anyone she dates, if not a beat down.


I absolutely had my reasons. I felt and do feel I am in a better position now. His job loss would have been catastrophic.


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## CN2622

Is there a second date planned?


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## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Is there a second date planned?


We have not discussed it more than ”We should do this again” 😁


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## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> We have not discussed it more than ”We should do this again” 😁


Did you get a goodnight kiss? Lol


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## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Did you get a goodnight kiss? Lol


A lady never kisses and tells. 😂


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## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> A lady never kisses and tells. 😂


That’s a perfect response. It sounds like a magical night.


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## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> That’s a perfect response. It sounds like a magical night.


Well magical might be a stretch. 😂


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## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Well magical might be a stretch. 😂


Why do you say that?


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## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Why do you say that?


Probably because I am old and jaded and don’t believe in magic. 😂


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## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Probably because I am old and jaded and don’t believe in magic. 😂


Maybe this guy will make you believe again


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## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Maybe this guy will make you believe again


Oh God no...😂


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## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Oh God no...😂


Well hopefully a second date happens and you have a great time!


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## CN2622

And I think positive stories are good to post on here. Thanks for sharing.


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## joannacroc

OK for those vicariously living through you, did you guys have had a second date yet? 😍
And was dessert brought?


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## Anastasia6

joannacroc said:


> OK for those vicariously living through you, did you guys have had a second date yet? 😍
> And was dessert brought?


banned for a month


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## Lostinthought61

Anastasia6 said:


> banned for a month


Seriously? ....I thought she would be one of the last member to get banned.


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## Hopeful Cynic

She must REALLY not have wanted to share the details.


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## joannacroc

For a moment I thought you were saying I was banned for asking about the second date, and suggestive use of the word "dessert."


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## pastasauce79

Anastasia6 said:


> banned for a month


That's sad...


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## Livvie

Lostinthought61 said:


> Seriously? ....I thought she would be one of the last member to get banned.


It happened on that cheating/now pregnant with twins thread on which everyone else is white knighting and being cheerleaders for the OP cheater.


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## Diana7

Livvie said:


> It happened on that cheating/now pregnant with twins thread on which everyone else is white knighting and being cheerleaders for the OP cheater.


Thats simply not true.


----------



## Livvie

Diana7 said:


> Thats simply not true.


It sure as **** is true. I saw the posts happen in real time (and some of my posts were also deleted from the thread by a mod) and I saw the ban.


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## Lostinthought61

Livvie said:


> It sure as **** is true. I saw the posts happen in real time (and some of my posts were also deleted from the thread by a mod) and I saw the ban.


 That thread was going in the wrong direction and I decided to drop out.....


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## TXTrini

Livvie said:


> It sure as **** is true. I saw the posts happen in real time (and some of my posts were also deleted from the thread by a mod) and I saw the ban.


Apparently pregnant women are sacrosanct and treated much more favorably regardless of what they've done. I was shocked by the month-long ban too, but I didn't see the deleted posts, so not too sure of what happened. 

I'm worried that Torn no longer has support since she doesn't have much at home.


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## LisaDiane

TXTrini said:


> Apparently pregnant women are sacrosanct and treated much more favorably regardless of what they've done. I was shocked by the month-long ban too, but I didn't see the deleted posts, so not too sure of what happened.
> 
> I'm worried that Torn no longer has support since she doesn't have much at home.


Also, I thought people got a 3-day ban or week-long ban for first offenses...?


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## Livvie

I'm worried about Torn, too. I hope she is able to view the forum, if not post, and see that people are thinking about her.


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## TXTrini

LisaDiane said:


> Also, I thought people got a 3-day ban or week-long ban for first offenses...?


I have no idea 😩


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## Sfort

TXTrini said:


> Apparently pregnant women are sacrosanct and treated much more favorably regardless of what they've done. I was shocked by the month-long ban too, but I didn't see the deleted posts, so not too sure of what happened.
> 
> I'm worried that Torn no longer has support since she doesn't have much at home.


She got very hostile in her posts. It seemed unhealthy to me.


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## TXTrini

Sfort said:


> She got very hostile in her posts. It seemed unhealthy to me.


That's unfortunate. It's a pity she chose to go to that thread, it's very triggering for BS still in limbo. Maybe this is a wake-up call Torn (if you're listening) to get some IC to help cope. It's ok to need help sometimes.


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## ccpowerslave

That thread is a mine field. I read it out of morbid curiosity.


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## Harold Demure

It is very easy to get very hostile in that thread and I am throwing my 100% support behind Torn. I hope she comes back here to pick up on any support she needs and continue to give advice. Ironic that a lady like this is banned when there are some pretty scary men out there, one of whom I recall talked about “going to war” with a woman


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## Sfort

Harold Demure said:


> It is very easy to get very hostile in that thread...


It wasn't just that thread. The mods know what they're doing.


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## Harold Demure

Well, that’s a shame. Maybe we should be looking at ways we can help Torn instead of banning her. Worried about her again now.


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## MattMatt

She was issued with a warning. She agreed that her behaviour was at fault. But then she doubled down on her attacks not only on the OP but also on other members. Under the circumstances a lengthy ban was considered necessary.

And now let's quit the threadjack. 😁


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## pastasauce79

MattMatt said:


> She was issued with a warning. She agreed that her behaviour was at fault. But then she doubled down on her attacks not only on the OP but also on other members. Under the circumstances a lengthy ban was considered necessary.
> 
> And now let's quit the threadjack. 😁


Can she read any updates to this thread? 

I just hope she's doing ok!


----------



## Blondilocks

pastasauce79 said:


> *Can she read any updates to this thread?*
> 
> I just hope she's doing ok!


Yes.


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## LisaDiane

Harold Demure said:


> Well, that’s a shame. Maybe we should be looking at ways we can help Torn instead of banning her. Worried about her again now.


I'm not really worried about her...she's always seemed pretty tough to me, even in the face of some fairly scary situations!


----------



## QuietRiot

Torn’s neighbor is likely entertaining and feeding her many desserts. I’m sure she is ok. And hopefully will return and give us some more of her snarky one liners.


----------



## joannacroc

Perhaps it's maudlin of me, but I worry about you OP. Will you let us know you're ok when you come back?


----------



## manfromlamancha

Diana7 said:


> Thats simply not true.


Yes it is true.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Today should be the last day of her ban so hopefully she'll be back and will follow forum rules.

We all care and worry about her.


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## Diana7

TXTrini said:


> Apparently pregnant women are sacrosanct and treated much more favorably regardless of what they've done. I was shocked by the month-long ban too, but I didn't see the deleted posts, so not too sure of what happened.
> 
> I'm worried that Torn no longer has support since she doesn't have much at home.


People don't usually get banned for no reason by the mods. Especially for a month.


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## Diana7

manfromlamancha said:


> Yes it is true.


I haven't seen what has been described.


----------



## pastasauce79

lifeistooshort said:


> Today should be the last day of her ban so hopefully she'll be back and will follow forum rules.
> 
> We all care and worry about her.


I can't wait for an update!


----------



## ccpowerslave

I hope she comes back as well I enjoyed her posts and would like to see that she’s doing well! I did see the flame out in question and it was quite spicy.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Diana7 said:


> People don't usually get banned for no reason by the mods. Especially for a month.


As Matt has already posted, she had multiple warnings for rude/attacking posts and didn't seem to be able to stop.

Hopefully she has cooled off and will rejoin us. Many of us long timers have gotten banned and come back....yours truly included.


----------



## Diana7

lifeistooshort said:


> As Matt has already posted, she had multiple warnings for rude/attacking posts and didn't seem to be able to stop.
> 
> Hopefully she has cooled off and will rejoin us. Many of us long timers have gotten banned and come back....yours truly included.


Yep.


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> Many of us long timers have gotten banned and come back....


Why, I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about......😏


----------



## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> Why, I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about......😏


Ha ha...might be an interesting thread to see who's been here over 5 years and not been banned!

End thread jack.


----------



## Openminded

I’ve seen any number of posters who should have been banned and weren’t but I don’t recall seeing any posters who were innocent of what they were banned for. It happens when emotions get involved. 

(FTR, I’ve never been banned — or warned — in the eight years I’ve been here but that doesn’t mean there haven’t been times when I probably should have been. And right now I’m participating in a t/j so I’m out.)

Hopefully, Torn will find her way back. It’s a good community.


----------



## joannacroc

I don't think I've been banned - but to be fair I take long hiatuses now and then.


----------



## MattMatt

lifeistooshort said:


> As Matt has already posted, she had multiple warnings for rude/attacking posts and didn't seem to be able to stop.
> 
> Hopefully she has cooled off and will rejoin us. Many of us long timers have gotten banned and come back....yours truly included.


I, too, received a ban. And came back.


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## heartsbeating

What a 'square' ...I've never been banned. 

Here's hoping she pops back and is doing well.


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## Torninhalf

Indeed I am back...how could I stay away? 😂
I hope everyone is well and thanks for all those who were concerned for me!


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## Sfort

Torninhalf said:


> Indeed I am back...how could I stay away? 😂
> I hope everyone is well and thanks for all those who were concerned for me!


How are you feeling? Glad to have you back.


----------



## Torninhalf

Sfort said:


> How are you feeling? Glad to have you back.


I am doing well and thank you 😁


----------



## GC1234

Torninhalf said:


> I am doing well and thank you 😁


How's that guy next door?


----------



## Torninhalf

GC1234 said:


> How's that guy next door?


Doing well. 😁
Hoping your situation has improved.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> Doing well. 😁
> Hoping your situation has improved.


Are you dating!?! Or just friends for now?


----------



## Torninhalf

CN2622 said:


> Are you dating!?! Or just friends for now?


Completely label free. 😁


----------



## GC1234

Torninhalf said:


> Doing well. 😁
> Hoping your situation has improved.


Haha! Glad to hear, hopefully he is still around. It hasn't, we've been arguing more, but I did stop checking out guys. Thanks for asking.


----------



## Bibi1031

Glad you are back. I don't know you, but I'm catching up with this thread to do so.

We that find friendships here come back after a ban. Rules get broken, we pay the penalty and are better behaved because we miss what we found here. I try to do better, but it's really hard many a times.

I type really fast and anything that fast gets me in trouble.😂


----------



## Torninhalf

Bibi1031 said:


> Glad you are back. I don't know you, but I'm catching up with this thread to do so.
> 
> We that find friendships here come back after a ban. Rules get broken, we pay the penalty and are better behaved because we miss what we found here. I try to do better, but it's really hard many a times.
> 
> I type really fast and anything that fast gets me in trouble.😂


I’ll take the smack to the typing hand. I’ve endured worse. 😂


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'd urge everyone to keep in mind that sometimes we mods miss posts that probably should get someone banned because there aren't that many of us.

Please report posts you find questionable as we will at least see a report. Just understand that we may not agree it's a forum rules violation...we see reports for opinions posters don't like and that by itself is not enough for a ban.


----------



## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> we see reports for opinions posters don't like and that by itself is not enough for a ban.


This actually makes my head hurt.😵


----------



## Bibi1031

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd urge everyone to keep in mind that sometimes we mods miss posts that probably should get someone banned because there aren't that many of us.
> 
> Please report posts you find questionable as we will at least see a report. Just understand that we may not agree it's a forum rules violation...we see reports for opinions posters don't like and that by itself is not enough for a ban.



That "ignore" button comes in really handy. I love it!


----------



## TXTrini

Yayyyy!!! That month felt like freaking forever. SO happy you're back Torn! How the heck are ya?


----------



## Torninhalf

TXTrini said:


> Yayyyy!!! That month felt like freaking forever. SO happy you're back Torn! How the heck are ya?


Doing good! Missed you gurl!


----------



## TXTrini

I missed you too Boo Thang!! So tell me, what's new with you?


----------



## Harold Demure

You’re back - virtual high 5. There is a whole audience out here waiting for an update!


----------



## Torninhalf

It was a hard month. Had a very close family member pass. Way too young and completely blindsided us. The sudden loss made things even clearer how short life is, so for me it’s ever more important to get busy living.


----------



## Harold Demure

Very sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes things like this give us perspective. Hope you are safe though.


----------



## Torninhalf

Harold Demure said:


> Very sorry to hear about your loss. Sometimes things like this give us perspective. Hope you are safe though.


I am, thank you. It’s been quiet on that front.


----------



## TXTrini

Torninhalf said:


> It was a hard month. Had a very close family member pass. Way too young and completely blindsided us. The sudden loss made things even clearer how short life is, so for me it’s ever more important to get busy living.


Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that. 

It's part of why I decided to move on quickly and get busy living myself. Time does heal most hurts, but sometimes you just don't have enough of it to fritter away on things that no longer matter or people who show you they DAF about you.


----------



## Torninhalf

TXTrini said:


> Oh no! I'm so sorry to hear that.
> 
> It's part of why I decided to move on quickly and get busy living myself. Time does heal most hurts, but sometimes you just don't have enough of it to fritter away on things that no longer matter or people who show you they DAF about you.


You are so right. The time I wasted blows my mind. 🤯


----------



## TXTrini

Torninhalf said:


> You are so right. The time I wasted blows my mind. 🤯


Coulda, shoulda, woulda but didna. It's a done deal, so be easy on yourself hon, deal with today and look forward. 

Nothing happens until you're good and ready, and maybe this was the catalyst to push you in that direction.


----------



## CN2622

Torninhalf said:


> It was a hard month. Had a very close family member pass. Way too young and completely blindsided us. The sudden loss made things even clearer how short life is, so for me it’s ever more important to get busy living.


I am so sorry. If you ever need to talk about this we are all here to listen if you start another post.

Did this inspire you to not overthink and just have fun being able to hang out with the neighbor? I overthink sometimes and I am trying to stop it and enjoy the moment everyday.


----------



## Lotsofheart73

Old thread, but wondering how ya doing @Torninhalf


----------



## QuietRiot

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Old thread, but wondering how ya doing @Torninhalf



Great lady with an amazing heart, but she was banned a while ago. 🙁


----------



## MattMatt

This thread is now closed.


----------

