# When you had your Dday looking back was there things you said/did that you regret?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

For me, #1 I wish I knew about this site to begin with.

#2, when DD#1 happened I was too whiny/begging almost H to work on our marriage, etc. etc. I wish now that I had been more angry with him, i.e. telling him to leave and letting more people know about it in the family, etc. etc. I remember when I was talking to him how desperate I felt and probably sounded trying to convince him to work on our marriage. Telling him I loved him...I think now back then I definently put alot of the blame on myself for thinking that I pushed him into his EA, and that makes me feel kind of sad that I was shouldering so much of what happened on myself. Now I have regained my power and think the opposite...now my attitude is it is all up to me H if we stay married or not..and that "he" is lucky that I chose to stay with him and work on our marriage.

..and #3, I believed him when he said it was over...which I look back now and think how foolish I was to think that he could just stop his EA with this person just like that. It wasn't until dd#2 when he had more consequences that it finally ended. It was like he needed to see how angry I got before he finally got it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I regret:


Confronting too early without hardly any evidence except the secret facebook account. I didn't even have the pasword to it.
Crying
Begging
Pleading
Being needy and pathetic by following her all around the house
Didn't even think about finding an internet infidelity support forum like this
Screwing up the installation of the keylogger on the laptop, thereby forcing me to reformat the hard drive and losing all that valuable evidence.
being a doormat


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I also wish I would of found this site before Dday #1 and 2 (2 women). I confronted too soon. All I had were call and text logs. I would of put a VAR in his truck,and would of keylogged his computer for a while to hear and see conversations.

I have NO proof of inappropriate talking. So his excuse is "just friends"... and that he talked to the one friend like "one of the guys". PUKE

I would have had divorce papers from the beginning so he knew I was serious. 

We are still separated, and deciding on D, (also had emotional abuse issues for 5-6 years),,, everything has just come to a head, and I can't get past the hurt.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes, another thing with H's laptop that he had password protected I wish I had taken it and hidden it instead of simply letting him demolish it in front of me..thereby losing extra evidence. Even being password protected I could have somehow figured out how to get into it. Big mistake on my part back then. Although I think H is blown away by how I have been able to access evidence online ...I think he realizes who has the brains in the marriage


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

confronting too early .. i would like to have caught them together


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I forgot to add if I had known about the 180 on DD#1 I would have started to implement that asap....H left a few days after dd#1 for an overseas job he could not get out of..looking back I would have not answered his phone calls while he was away as I know it would have driven him crazy to wonder why I was not answering his calls, etc. Because as I found out on DD#2 he was still in contact with her during that time while he was away...but I did not know and thought we were in true R. I think he would have been so bothered by wondering what was happening back home that he would not have been able to concentrate on his online EA with his OW.


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## kruppmart (May 10, 2012)

I wish I would have known TAM at the time ... whould have avoided a lot of problems ...


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

YOU BETCHA! not just one, a few. But I'll throw out this little morsel. After DD#2 (#1 was after dinner when I just witnessed the interaction between them and "felt" the vibe between them and knew that something was up...I confronted right after dinner. There was an admitting of an inappropriate attraction but denial of anything else. Oh, but I digress...) After DD#2 when I found and read some of the emails he neglected to delete I allowed him to give her the last ride into work so he could confront the situation and end it. What a dummy I was! I should have been in that car. We should have confronted together. (Originally I told him "I'm driving her to work"...prob good I didn't. I may have driven her to a secret location and dropped her off, er sumthin' like that.)


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I regret:
The crying
The begging
The pleading
Being so pathetic
Believing all the lies
Not being able to be stronger and 180 his ass from day 1
I just regret the whole damn thing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I regret nothing about that day (except for that it happened at all)


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

where do I begin?!? I don't know what would have worked, if anything, to avoid 3 additional DDs. I wish I was not in a "fog" of my own and so distressed that I could have believed the one poster who said "Just look at his post - he is playing you". (WH found this site first and sent me his link, so I started using this site a month later). He has never been back on after the first week of his thread.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I regret not kicking his ass out sooner than now,,,

But he pizzed me off a couple weeks ago, so I got the enjoyment of putting all his stuff out in the yard,, and he had to load it up with all our neighbors to see.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I regret:
> The crying
> The begging
> The pleading
> ...


Yes, the begging...I can still hear myself now trying to convince H on dd#1 that we can make this marriage work, that I still loved him, essentially begging him to stay with me, (I get nauseaus just thinking about how I sounded) I wish now I had just said **** off get out of the house and then blown the lid right away on what he had been doing to everyone and started to implement 180.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Oddly enough, that is one thing I didn't do, beg...

I was so hurt, angry and numb.. I didn't beg. We didn't have the "hysterical bonding" either. 

We have only had sex 3 times since Aug. of last year. Doesn't bother me. 

I think it pretty much just made me lose all respect and feelings for him. ( I think it just gave me a reason, from the emotional abuse I was getting from him)


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

highwood said:


> For me, #1 I wish I knew about this site to begin with.
> 
> #2, when DD#1 happened I was too whiny/begging almost H to work on our marriage, etc. etc. I wish now that I had been more angry with him, i.e. telling him to leave and letting more people know about it in the family, etc. etc. I remember when I was talking to him how desperate I felt and probably sounded trying to convince him to work on our marriage. Telling him I loved him...I think now back then I definently put alot of the blame on myself for thinking that I pushed him into his EA, and that makes me feel kind of sad that I was shouldering so much of what happened on myself. Now I have regained my power and think the opposite...now my attitude is it is all up to me H if we stay married or not..and that "he" is lucky that I chose to stay with him and work on our marriage.
> 
> ..and #3, I believed him when he said it was over...which I look back now and think how foolish I was to think that he could just stop his EA with this person just like that. It wasn't until dd#2 when he had more consequences that it finally ended. It was like he needed to see how angry I got before he finally got it.


I had a "half dday" when she admitted to an EA over a couple of years. I believed her and she went straight back to him the day after. There were *mountains* of evidence for a PA but I simply couldn't see it. I regret listening to my dumb feelings and not taking notice of what my mind was telling me.

It was another 2 months before the real dday and that gap is a big problem.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

highwood said:


> Yes, the begging...I can still hear myself now trying to convince H on dd#1 that we can make this marriage work, that I still loved him, essentially begging him to stay with me, (I get nauseaus just thinking about how I sounded) I wish now I had just said **** off get out of the house and then blown the lid right away on what he had been doing to everyone and started to implement 180.


Same here. Makes me feel ill when I think about it!
But you know what they say, out of a negative comes a positive! I now know I will never behave like that ever again. On dday 2 I was calm and composed and I called ALL the shots. He will never see me like that again. No man will 
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i regret crying about things
i regret begging for answers to my questions
i regret being the nice girl and letting him off easy by simply leaving.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

kruppmart said:


> I wish I would have known TAM at the time ... whould have avoided a lot of problems ...


Years ago, I got the "we are not good together for the kids, I think I should move out for the sake of the family"... WTF did this mean... on Christmas Day no less. 

I began to suspect an affair, of course confronted with ZERO proof. In less than a day, it was all turned around on me. I was convinced that I was the root of the problem and like a Newbie started years of meaningless effort to "fix our broken" marriage.

All while she quietly continued to cheat and blame me for the state of marriage.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I regret being the "Nice Guy"


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I regret I did not know that TAM existed. Things would have been really different.

I regret, as LM, I pleaded : don't go away from me, I want you in my life.

Worse, I said: Take all the money you want, that house, and please don't leave me.

I further said: If you are unhappy with me, let me know, what should I do differently.

I fell sick, lost appetite, reduce 10 kgs in a month. My job performance went down.

Fell to a worse emotional state. I wish this never happens to anyone.

I cried in loneliness. No friends are there to share what I was going through. Pretty bad for men.

Not slept for weeks. Worrying about who is she having affair with, what should I do, how do I find evidence, how do I confront, how do I deal with aftermath. I live in a different country!

Then, comes TAM. I go through other horrible / worse than mine cases. 

I decide to hold myself. I found that I should first deal with myself.

Then, I become stronger. LM helped me: "Let her go".

That really worked. I said to her: If you dont want me, Go away. I dont care. I will live my life much better, for I am not a cheater. I have done nothing wrong. You should be ashamed. NOT ME.


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## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I recorded our conversation and from time to time listen to it. I was firm but not nearly enough. I should have let her leave. I should have taken her phone before she went through it. I had been on TAM so I had an idea what not to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

I regret not doing the 180 sooner (2 days after I implemented the 180, he snapped out of the fog).

I regret punching him in the stomach.

I regret the begging and the crying.

I said a couple really nasty things about his weight that I wish I would have never said.


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## Seesaw (Jun 5, 2012)

Yep, the crying and the kneeling on the floor with my head in my hands. That was not my coolest look!

The one thing I do look back on with pride was this:

WW: I don't really know what I feel about him

ME: So what do you want to do?

WW: I think I need to spend a couple of days with him to find out what I want

ME (in a very slow and calm voice): Understand that if you go to see him, I will divorce you tomorrow. No debate, no discussion, you leave and we tell our children why

WW: Yes, I know it can't happen but you did ask what I want

ME: Right. Good to clear that one up

NC took another week or so with backsliding, but he is gone now and has been for two months. It took me a while to follow up that conversation with conviction, but we know where we stand.


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## Crazytown (Sep 27, 2010)

I regret exposing too early. I should've continued gathering evidence so there would have been less trickle truth and so I would have a more complete picture of what occured. 

I should have made him leave the house for at least a week or something instead of throwing things at him and raging at him for several nights. 

I did not beg or plead at least. HE was the only one begging.


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