# Bye.



## SomeLight (Dec 23, 2021)

.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It doesn't sound good.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

SomeLight said:


> Hey,
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years now, we've been together for 4.5. We were both struggling when we met each other with substance abuse and mental illness issues and have worked our way into stable lifestyles together. Due to this, we had been living with my father for 2 years until 5 months ago when we moved into a nice place with a big yard. I've always wanted a dog, my passion is animals I used to study animals, so we agreed that as soon as we moved out we would get a puppy and also start trying for a baby (he's 29, I'm 30). We had never lived alone together so this has been the first time and his behavior seemed to change as soon as we were moved out. Very important information is that his Dad died in July, just 2 or 3 weeks before we moved and got our puppy. He's an immigrant and hasn't been able to see his Dad in the last 5 years and hoped to one day be able to see him again and never did, his Dad was only 50, no one expected this to happen. He had diabetes and got yellow fever...his body just gave up and the hospital systems are a nightmare in Brazil. So I know that was traumatic and he's going through pain that I can never fully understand and I know I would be a mess for years if that happened, so I completely understand him being in a dark place right now. We've both been in very dark places in our lives so we understand what it's like to be in a lot of pain, depressed, and unsure of how to deal with and express it. I'm very tolerant of people being unhappy because I know all too well what that's like, I have no impatience for that. What I don't have tolerance for is when people are unkind, unfair, or take their pain and anger out on other people or living things.
> 
> ...


Unless he's willing and able to educate himself to something more American, I can't see this marriage working out in the long term. 

Maybe find some child discipline books that use other disciplinary methods than the belt or hand and see if he is open to other methods 

Child discipline is mostly about continual reinforcement of desired behaviours and the spanking should only be reserved for when serious injury may result if not immediately attended to and it is mostly worthless after the child is six years old. 

I remember Focus on the Family ministries had a great line up of child discipline books.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

If he can smack a puppy around what makes you think you or your kid would be any different when you do something he doesn't like?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@SomeLight He will not get better, but he might get worse.


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## SomeLight (Dec 23, 2021)

That’s a very good way to put it Matt.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Is he in A.A.? Is he working a program to maintain sobriety?

One thing I can tell you is without a recovery program, all you have on your hands is a dry drunk. And y'know what they say in A.A.? "Often a drunk asshole stops drinking and is nothing more than a sober asshole."

BTW, your husband is a COLOSSAL asshole for hitting an innocent animal. And you allowed this? Jeesh.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Why would you want to be with a man who is cruel to animals? I would have left him as soon as that started. 
I have had 5 rescue dogs and not once did I need to hurt them or be otherwise cruel to them. 
Please get that puppy away from him asap and never ever leave him alone with her. If you must stay, please find her a good home. 
No I would never have children with a man like that. He has big anger and violence issues.
He is clearly totally unsuited to being a father or pet owner.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

SomeLight said:


> Hey,
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years now, we've been together for 4.5. We were both struggling when we met each other with substance abuse and mental illness issues and have worked our way into stable lifestyles together. Due to this, we had been living with my father for 2 years until 5 months ago when we moved into a nice place with a big yard. I've always wanted a dog, my passion is animals I used to study animals, so we agreed that as soon as we moved out we would get a puppy and also start trying for a baby (he's 29, I'm 30). We had never lived alone together so this has been the first time and his behavior seemed to change as soon as we were moved out. Very important information is that his Dad died in July, just 2 or 3 weeks before we moved and got our puppy. He's an immigrant and hasn't been able to see his Dad in the last 5 years and hoped to one day be able to see him again and never did, his Dad was only 50, no one expected this to happen. He had diabetes and got yellow fever...his body just gave up and the hospital systems are a nightmare in Brazil. So I know that was traumatic and he's going through pain that I can never fully understand and I know I would be a mess for years if that happened, so I completely understand him being in a dark place right now. We've both been in very dark places in our lives so we understand what it's like to be in a lot of pain, depressed, and unsure of how to deal with and express it. I'm very tolerant of people being unhappy because I know all too well what that's like, I have no impatience for that. What I don't have tolerance for is when people are unkind, unfair, or take their pain and anger out on other people or living things.
> 
> ...


Grab your puppy, walk out the door, don’t look back.

Also, don’t get pregnant in the meantime. He’s not the one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll be interested to see if the OP comes back to explain why she's with this ass and why she's letting him get away with such disgusting behavior. Sometimes people post to hear the truth, other times they just can't handle it. 

Hopefully, she'll jettison this man from her life and stop making excuses for his reprehensible behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SomeLight said:


> Hey,
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 2.5 years now, we've been together for 4.5. We were both struggling when we met each other with substance abuse and mental illness issues and have worked our way into stable lifestyles together. Due to this, we had been living with my father for 2 years until 5 months ago when we moved into a nice place with a big yard. I've always wanted a dog, my passion is animals I used to study animals, so we agreed that as soon as we moved out we would get a puppy and also start trying for a baby (he's 29, I'm 30). We had never lived alone together so this has been the first time and his behavior seemed to change as soon as we were moved out. Very important information is that his Dad died in July, just 2 or 3 weeks before we moved and got our puppy. He's an immigrant and hasn't been able to see his Dad in the last 5 years and hoped to one day be able to see him again and never did, his Dad was only 50, no one expected this to happen. He had diabetes and got yellow fever...his body just gave up and the hospital systems are a nightmare in Brazil. So I know that was traumatic and he's going through pain that I can never fully understand and I know I would be a mess for years if that happened, so I completely understand him being in a dark place right now. We've both been in very dark places in our lives so we understand what it's like to be in a lot of pain, depressed, and unsure of how to deal with and express it. I'm very tolerant of people being unhappy because I know all too well what that's like, I have no impatience for that. What I don't have tolerance for is when people are unkind, unfair, or take their pain and anger out on other people or living things.
> 
> ...


Anyone who would spank a puppy is an automatic dealbreaker and call to the Animal Cruelty Task Force for me. Why would you even consider staying with someone like that? He is the worst. He bullies innocent things that are completely helpless! That's as low as it gets. This is not temporary! This is who he is, what he believes. If you are determined to stay, rehome that poor puppy! But you are a fool to stay with someone and have a kid with them who is cruel in that way. Beating puppies, FFS!!~


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Is he in A.A.? Is he working a program to maintain sobriety?
> 
> One thing I can tell you is without a recovery program, all you have on your hands is a dry drunk. And y'know what they say in A.A.? "Often a drunk asshole stops drinking and is nothing more than a sober asshole."
> 
> BTW, your husband is a COLOSSAL asshole for hitting an innocent animal. And you allowed this? Jeesh.


Spoken for the truth.


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## SomeLight (Dec 23, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> I'll be interested to see if the OP comes back to explain why she's with this ass and why she's letting him get away with such disgusting behavior. Sometimes people post to hear the truth, other times they just can't handle it.
> 
> Hopefully, she'll jettison this man from her life and stop making excuses for his reprehensible behavior.


The OP is in the middle of the work day. I posted to get other perspectives on the situation because I do not trust my own perception of this situation because I do love him and he wasn’t like this for the first 4 years of being together. 
I am not here asking for your judgement, but thanks for the offer. 
I’m asking for someone to help me see the truth and confirm that I’m in a situation I should be concerned about. That I’m not crazy for feeling uncomfortable and not ok with how he has been. I’m not here saying I support anything he’s been doing.

To summarize why I’m still with him: 
- His Dad died 5 months ago, which is when all of this started. How would you deal with this with that in mind? How do you treat people whose family member just died unexpectedly? You just dip out? Is your compassion conditional? Seems like it. Mine isn’t.
Read the entire post you’ll have the answer to all your questions.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

SomeLight said:


> Is compassion conditional?


Ideally, it isn't, but compassion isn't the same as having a child with someone. My opinion, since you asked, is that this is not all about his bereavement. Yes you should act with compassion. No, having a child with him is a bad idea, based on what you have said so far, not good for you, him, or the child.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SomeLight said:


> The OP is in the middle of the work day. I posted to get other perspectives on the situation because I do not trust my own perception of this situation because I do love him and he wasn’t like this for the first 4 years of being together.
> I am not here asking for your judgement, but thanks for the offer.
> I’m asking for someone to help me see the truth and confirm that I’m in a situation I should be concerned about. That I’m not crazy for feeling uncomfortable and not ok with how he has been. I’m not here saying I support anything he’s been doing.
> 
> ...


Come on now. People loose parents every day. They don't go round abusing innocent puppies. This stuff has got to be in him for it to come out. It's in there ok. He can control it sometimes, but it's always there waiting to emerge. When bad things happens to us,what is in us comes out. Every time something hard happens this abusive behaviour will emerge. Don't say you werent warned. 

If you must stay then please please find a kind, loving and safe home for that traumatized puppy.
This behaviour is highly disturbing, that puppy is not safe in the house with him. Nor will any children be. He has a very cruel steak regardless of being bereaved. The puppy will get more traumatized, it has no clue what is happening because you husband has no idea how to properly train a dog or bring up a child, but he just resorts to violence. 

It's your responsibility to make sure she is safe, poor little thing.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Plus no, 'pinning' or pushing a dog aggressively to the floor is not 'a thing'. It's cruel and unnecessary. Good dog trainers never need to use physical violence. I can't believe that you are still putting that puppy in danger in your home. Please if you insist in staying with an abuser, get her to safety and never have children.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

SomeLight said:


> The OP is in the middle of the work day. I posted to get other perspectives on the situation because I do not trust my own perception of this situation because I do love him and he wasn’t like this for the first 4 years of being together.
> I am not here asking for your judgement, but thanks for the offer.
> I’m asking for someone to help me see the truth and confirm that I’m in a situation I should be concerned about. That I’m not crazy for feeling uncomfortable and not ok with how he has been. I’m not here saying I support anything he’s been doing.
> 
> ...


As cold-blooded as he is, he may not even care that much about the death as you think he would. It's no excuse for cruelty to animals, that's for sure. Like someone said above, now he's sober you can see who he really is -- still an ahole.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SomeLight said:


> I am not here asking for your judgement, but thanks for the offer. I’m asking for someone to help me see the truth and confirm that I’m in a situation I should be concerned about.


And what part of my comment calling your husband a COLOSSAL asshole for hitting an innocent animal do you consider judgmental? 

WE ARE GIVING YOU THE TRUTH. And here's the deal: If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. 

P.S. - "See" the truth? WTH does THAT mean???? All you're doing is making excuses for his rotten behavior. Everyone's parents dies. That's life. And you are wondering if you should be "concerned" about this creep hitting a puppy?!?

You also didn't answer my question as to whether he's in a recovery program. My guess is no. So you've got a dry drunk on your hands.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SomeLight said:


> The OP is in the middle of the work day. I posted to get other perspectives on the situation because I do not trust my own perception of this situation because I do love him and he wasn’t like this for the first 4 years of being together.
> I am not here asking for your judgement, but thanks for the offer.
> I’m asking for someone to help me see the truth and confirm that I’m in a situation I should be concerned about. That I’m not crazy for feeling uncomfortable and not ok with how he has been. I’m not here saying I support anything he’s been doing.
> 
> ...


Nobody judged you. 

In answer to your question, yes you should be very concerned about your situation.

I'll tell you a story about the first woman I had a serious, long-term relationship with.

She was married to her husband for several years and he seemed like a decent enough bloke. Loving husband, good father. Until he wasn't.

His parents died in a car crash and somehow he blamed her for this. He began drinking heavily and began slapping her. Then beating her with his fists and kicking her. During one of his attacks he beat her so severely that she was hospitalised and she suffered permeant kidney damage.

A while later she was walking along a street whilst shopping, youngest child in a pushchair, the two others walking either side of her, when her husband appeared out of nowhere, began screaming at her and he clubbed her to the ground. 

A couple of workmen grabbed him and subdued him and the police were called.

Social Services became involved and they told her that if she didn't leave him, they would take her children into care.

She realised at that point that despite all his promises to change. he never would. so he filed for divorce and moved away. He never bothered with the children but he did send her a monthly cheque for the children. 

Will your husband become as bad as hers? I don't know, but it's something you need to consider.

He needs counselling, grief counselling specifically.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SomeLight said:


> Is your compassion conditional? Seems like it. Mine isn’t.


Which is why he gets a free pass to hit an innocent animal. After all, that's a pretty unrealistic condition to put on love - that someone not hit a puppy when they're stressed out. 

SMH. Disgusting.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since you're a recovered addict, I would think you'd recognize your own enabling behavior on this, making excuses for him, etc. You can't fix him. Nobody is going to fix him . That animal cruelty is deep-seated -- and worse, it's a reflection of his belief system. You love animals -- he considers them lower beings he is free to abuse. This is nothing he is going to ever change. It's not about discipline at all. It's because he enjoys bullying weaker creatures. He enjoys it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're looking to find someone who will say his cruelty to animals and children is okay, you're going to have to go find yourself a prison inmate forum. Even most of them wouldn't think it was okay, though.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

There you have it a person who asked for advice, but unable to handle it. 
Ladies & gentlemen here we have your future newsworthy story of a woman beat-up to a pulp by a deranged husband/partner. So sad.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@Rob_1: I don't know what your experience is with addicts, but this is often how it plays out. Denial is sadly often the name of the game. 

And the tragedy is that both of these people are probably not in a serious recovery program. Without that, they are doomed to this mess.

And I make no excuses or apologies for flaming the OP. Hitting children and animals for me means going in with the gloves off and no holds barred.

Yeah, see ya. SMH


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## Resu (May 26, 2015)

Not sure how you do give advice to someone in that situation so they are able to take it in. You have got to admire those who can connect.
An eighty four year old man should not have had to accept that. He was vulnerable.



Rob_1 said:


> future newsworthy story of a woman ...


A woman in England stands in parliament on International Women's Day and reads out the names of women who died that year where a partner or ex partner was convicted. It gets the point across. Perhaps you could get a senator to do the same?









Jess Phillips: Society has 'just accepted' dead women


Jess Phillips reads a list of all women killed in UK over the past year, in Women's Day debate.



www.google.com


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> @Rob_1: I don't know what your experience is with addicts, but this is often how it plays out. Denial is sadly often the name of the game.
> 
> And the tragedy is that both of these people are probably not in a serious recovery program. Without that, they are doomed to this mess.
> 
> ...


She probably thought all that was wrong with him was his substance problem and that underneath he was a nice guy. She's in love with who she hoped he was.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Due to the fact that the OP deleted the contents of her first post this thread is now closed.


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