# Just venting



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Divorced since last July. As many here know - my ex left me for an OW he met out of state in September 2014. Moved her down here after spending a total of 11 days with her this past September. He lives about 10 minutes away and sees our son, who lives with me, three or four days a week. He sees him at or around my house because that's what our son feels most comfortable with, and I'm putting his needs ahead of mine because to do otherwise just seems wrong (i.e., I don't make my ex wait in the driveway for him to go out to him, like I had to do when my Dad left when I was a kid and would come to pick me up).

He comes over yesterday to help our son study for upcoming standard math tests. After working with him on this for about an hour in his room, a friend of our son called and asked him if he wanted to go to an indoor trampoline/dodgeball/basketball place they occasionally go to that's about a 30-minute drive away (each way), and asked if I could take them there because his parents couldn't.

I wasn't feeling well and really didn't want to, so I asked my ex if he could drop them off there, at least, and I'd go pick them up a few hours later - I didn't want to be spending a total of 2 hours on the road on a Sunday.

He goes, "I can't. I have plans. I could have if I'd known in advance. But I've made plans for the day."

Normally, this wouldn't bother me. But it did this time. He's out of town most of the work/school week for his work and tries to get the weekends off, but then spends a whopping one or two hours with his son each of those days so he can hurry and get back home to his GF, I guess. In his defense somewhat, he does offer to have him go over to his house and stay the night on the weekend nights, but our son doesn't want to go and I don't want to make him.

I know I feel this way probably for more selfish reasons than not, but it p!sses me off that my ex couldn't wait a decent period of time - like, even six months - after moving out and divorcing before moving her in with him. It was so monumentally selfish of both of them, I find it hard to get past it. He could have established a nice routine of our son staying with him on weekends or even every other weekend and developed a better one-on-one rapport with him before introducing her into the mix. But he couldn't wait. And now we have this.

Sorry. Just venting, because I've been p!ssed off about it all last night and into today, and I can't seem to let it go, even though he called me this morning, apparently feeling guilty about it, and offered to take our son and his friends wherever they want to go next Sunday so that I "can have a break on my day off." (I did end up taking my son and his friend to the trampoline place yesterday, but just asked that his friends' parents pick them up later, which they did. I never b!tched to my ex about it - he went on his merry way at the time without much of a thought.)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a pain in the butt, NMB. Just curious, how old is your son?


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> What a pain in the butt, NMB. Just curious, how old is your son?


He's 14 - just turned at the end of December.

Personally, I think this is just about the worst age for a kid - especially a boy - to have to deal with his parents' divorce and his Dad's leaving.

I almost think we'd all have been better off if his Dad pulled this when he was 7 or 8, and still in a stage where Mom is a much bigger part of his life than Dad (or at least, that's the way it was for us when he was at that age).


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It might be time for your son to start going to his dads house instead of your ex being in your space. I know you said your son doesn't want to do that but at 14 he is not a baby any more. Might do them both some good to have time without you around (as in this is no longer a family home). 

Your ex can pretty much control your life if he has no responsibility to his son. 

Give yourself a break, me time is a good thing.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have posted about this topic before of your ex being in your house, you know it is just drawing out your healing process, yet you keep torturing yourself. You have to lay down some boundaries, the ex needs to stop coming into your home, he will always be your sons dad but to you he is a trespasser in your home and life, a trespasser who causes you emotional damage every time he is there. Personally I think you are setting a very bad example for your son, when a marriage breaks up there are repercussions. While I applaud you for wanting to protect your son why do you continue to protect your ex? As I have said before...let your ex build his own relationship with your son under his own terms, that means at his own home and a part of his new life. Your son either blends in or chooses not to, at 14 he can make a lot of his own decisions.

As for the taking your son to the trampoline park... you do realize that turned into a big deal for you because you projected your baggage into the scenario right? The right thing would have been to say "sorry jr., I don't feel well and am not up to driving" then jr. could have called his dad at HIS house and asked for a ride and dad would have said "sorry, I have some plans already". Your son would have been OK, taking him to the park even though you didn't want to is parenting out of guilt, and that's not healthy. 

Nomorebeans you are an intelligent person, I see many post from you that are spot on with advise for other posters, yet you are stuck in this rut of your own and struggling to climb out. You know in your heart having your ex over on a regular basis is hurting you, you will be a much happier person and thus a much better mother when you create separation between you and the ex, it's really that simple.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cooper said:


> You have posted about this topic before of your ex being in your house, you know it is just drawing out your healing process, yet you keep torturing yourself. You have to lay down some boundaries, the ex needs to stop coming into your home, he will always be your sons dad but to you he is a trespasser in your home and life, a trespasser who causes you emotional damage every time he is there. Personally I think you are setting a very bad example for your son, when a marriage breaks up there are repercussions. While I applaud you for wanting to protect your son why do you continue to protect your ex? As I have said before...let your ex build his own relationship with your son under his own terms, that means at his own home and a part of his new life. Your son either blends in or chooses not to, at 14 he can make a lot of his own decisions.
> 
> As for the taking your son to the trampoline park... you do realize that turned into a big deal for you because you projected your baggage into the scenario right? The right thing would have been to say "sorry jr., I don't feel well and am not up to driving" then jr. could have called his dad at HIS house and asked for a ride and dad would have said "sorry, I have some plans already". Your son would have been OK, taking him to the park even though you didn't want to is parenting out of guilt, and that's not healthy.
> 
> Nomorebeans you are an intelligent person, I see many post from you that are spot on with advise for other posters, yet you are stuck in this rut of your own and struggling to climb out. You know in your heart having your ex over on a regular basis is hurting you, you will be a much happier person and thus a much better mother when you create separation between you and the ex, it's really that simple.


Thanks for posting this @Cooper, I wanted to say this! Your XH's relationship with his son is HIS responsibility, and if your son doesn't want to spend time at his dad's place, then that is for THEM to work out. Ex needs to be OUT of your house.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

You're all absolutely right, of course.

Thanks for the kick in the pants/head. The ex is out of town until Friday, but I will plan to let him know this when he returns. And I'll talk with our son about it ahead of that - not to ask for his permission - to give him a heads up that this is how it's going to be from now on.

You're right, too, Cooper, that I shouldn't have let my son dictate how my Sunday afternoon would go. He should work around my plans, not the other way around. I'm trying so hard to protect him from everything since the divorce that I'm showing him how to be spoiled, and an example of letting oneself be walked on that I also wouldn't want him to emulate.

Thanks, everyone. Guess I wasn't just venting and really wanted/needed, advice, here. And as usual, the good folks at TAM are spot-on.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I am shocked his GF is ok with him coming into your house. Ignoring everything else of course.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Herschel said:


> I am shocked his GF is ok with him coming into your house. Ignoring everything else of course.


It's quite possible (and likely) that he's been lying to her about that. Really, there's no doubt he has, one way or another.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> He's 14 - just turned at the end of December.
> 
> Personally, I think this is just about the worst age for a kid - especially a boy - to have to deal with his parents' divorce and his Dad's leaving.
> 
> *I almost think we'd all have been better off if his Dad pulled this when he was 7 or 8*, and still in a stage where Mom is a much bigger part of his life than Dad (or at least, that's the way it was for us when he was at that age).


My parents separated when I was 8. They were apart for a few months but, in the end, decided to "reconcile" (take note of the quotes). You know... _"for the kids"_.

They divorced when I was 31.

Looking back, it would've been much easier (for me... Hell, probably for everyone) if they'd divorced when I was a kid.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You got some good advice. Time for your ex and your son to figure out their relationship. I know you want to protect your son but he also needs to learn to deal with things that aren't comfortable. That's an important skills. 

Also, it's good to vent. To write it all out. I actually think you are doing pretty well. It's a hard situation to be in, and even though it's been a while, it hasn't been so long that it's not unreasonable to feel some resentment towards your ex. You did an excellent job of expressing your emotion while still keeping the actual facts in mind. 

But yeah, it's not your son's fault that it's an uncomfortable situation. But part of being alive is dealing with situations that aren't our faults.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One thing to take note of here is if possible you and the ex show a united front to your son. The conversation with your son needs to say "the reason dad won't be spending time here is because WE decided it's for the best to have some separation in our lives since we are divorced. 

Try not to play the blame game and try not to play the pity card. This is one of those scenarios that can cause a division of alliance and your son could shift in either direction, as a 14 year old he is probably going to look at how this affects him and end up being pissed at which ever parent seems responsible for this change. He will handle it better if it seems like a united decision. Talk to the ex first , if he has any common sense and cares about his sons well being he should understand how this affects you and how this can affect your son.

I hope this change can work smoothly for you, you need the ex out of your daily life for your own health and sanity.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> You're all absolutely right, of course.
> 
> Thanks for the kick in the pants/head. The ex is out of town until Friday, but I will plan to let him know this when he returns. * And I'll talk with our son about it ahead of that - not to ask for his permission - to give him a heads up that this is how it's going to be from now on.
> *
> ...


This here is the hardest part for you because you are a GOOD MOM and don't want him to hurt any more than he is already. However, your needs ARE just as important as his needs, and I think he will be mature enough to understand that even if it's not his preference.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Cooper said:


> One thing to take note of here is if possible you and the ex show a united front to your son. The conversation with your son needs to say "the reason dad won't be spending time here is because WE decided it's for the best to have some separation in our lives since we are divorced.
> 
> Try not to play the blame game and try not to play the pity card. This is one of those scenarios that can cause a division of alliance and your son could shift in either direction, as a 14 year old he is probably going to look at how this affects him and end up being pissed at which ever parent seems responsible for this change. He will handle it better if it seems like a united decision. Talk to the ex first , if he has any common sense and cares about his sons well being he should understand how this affects you and how this can affect your son.
> 
> I hope this change can work smoothly for you, you need the ex out of your daily life for your own health and sanity.


You're right, again. After giving it some more thought yesterday, I realized I needed to talk with my ex about it first. And I will when he's back in town in a couple days. I had been distancing myself from him more in recent weeks, so I don't think it will come as a shock. Don't really care if it does, in any event.

But yes, the united front way of presenting it is definitely the best, and the approach we've been working hard to maintain over these last several months.


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