# Trust



## checkingout

For those of you who have been cheated on, how do you trust again? I am so lonely and really struggling with the thought of being alone forever, but I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone. I was married nearly 20 years and never in a million years would suspect my husband would cheat.


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## somethingelse

It's really hard to want to trust someone who has torn your heart out of your chest, but it's mostly just about letting time do the work. You might never fully trust anyone ever again. But that's the consequence that comes with this sort of thing. 

Are you currently divorced? If so, how long has it been since the divorce?


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## mule kick

I decided I couldn't live that way. I would rather meet and fall for and completely trust another woman even if it means knowing she will break my heart again someday than close myself up. That's as good as dead and I want to enjoy living.


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## checkingout

somethingelse said:


> It's really hard to want to trust someone who has torn your heart out of your chest, but it's mostly just about letting time do the work. You might never fully trust anyone ever again. But that's the consequence that comes with this sort of thing.
> 
> Are you currently divorced? If so, how long has it been since the divorce?


I am actually very recently separated, but I wanted some insight from people who were further along in the process.


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## Shooboomafoo

Im divorced for almost 2 yrs now. Ive lived alone, without dating, and have had my D11 come stay with me every other week. 
Social life for me so far has been an extremely close knit group of friends I know very well, as so many others from the ex's side I found were not the type of people I want to be around.

This divorce has opened my eyes and made me feel naive, and foolish for believing in someone. Especially since the topic of infidelity was so greatly spoken against by her in the past.. 
I know that I will have to let down my guard someday, but this has certainly been an educational experience lending definition to cues and impressions that I will never allow to allude me again.


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## EnjoliWoman

I'd like to suggest something to the men who have been cheated on.

When you start dating someone who you think has real potential, tell her. Not first date, woe is me. But later on, a simple "my ex cheated on me and I need you to know I may have trust issues and it's all on me but it would help if you are very open".

I came here because my boyfriend at the time was separated and divorcing a woman who had cheated, tried R, cheated again and then they were on their way to divorce. I wanted to understand what that did to his psyche.

Because of what I learned here, I was careful to tell him where I was, be very open about who I was with and purposefully told him the passworld to my cell phone. I wanted him to know I was willing to be transparent from the start.

Unfortunately he realized he was a bit too wounded and the divorce process, depression was overwhelming and although he started off really caring about me, felt he had to be honest that he didn't love me and wasn't sure he would ever be able to. Lots of healing needed - wish I knew THAT sooner. 

A good, caring woman will be very willing to earn your trust.


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## Jellybeans

How do you trust again?

I don't think you ever fully do.

But just make sure you don't punish a new partner because of your past.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I fully trust my husband. It takes the right man and full transparency to learn to trust again. I had my insecurities during the first couple years of marriage, but my husband shows me over and over how dedicated he is to me and our family. Fully trusting someone doesn't take overnight, it takes time. 

I honestly wasn't planning on marrying a second time. My husband literally swept me off my feet and still does. He's truly one in a million.


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## Freak On a Leash

I wasn't cheated on but in a sense my ex had an affair with a bottle of rum. It's not the same though but in a sense he did betray me and my children by pretty much almost destroying our lives by his actions. 

I've never been the most trusting person. It saved me because I always did things to protect myself and in the end those were the things that enabled me to continue on and build a new life for me and my kids. 

Emotionally, I think I could carry on and trust someone again but I could NOT trust someone who cheated on their spouse. I'd never get into an emotionally committed relationship with someone who did that. If they did that to someone else then they could do it to me. I wouldn't go there. I don't have much regard for someone who does that in general.

To the OP: I wouldn't let what happened in your marriage deprive you of the joys of another relationship. You are just hurting yourself in the end.


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## C3156

checkingout said:


> For those of you who have been cheated on, how do you trust again? I am so lonely and really struggling with the thought of being alone forever, but I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone. I was married nearly 20 years and never in a million years would suspect my husband would cheat.


We never suspect until we catch them. My ex had a couple of EA's and one that was going towards a PA until his wife caught them. Pretty much the turning point.

It is very hard to trust in the same way again. I had been told to just have faith and go for it when you are ready. Easier said than done, I didn't want to be hurt like that again. The flip side is that if you cannot trust, you will never be able to have a truly fulfilling relationship. That barrier will keep you from completely bonding with another person.

Having been divorced for a few years, I can say that time does help to ease the hurt. After being dumped because I could never open up completely, I finally (like mule kick) decided to just let it go. What is the new saying, you only live once? I may get hurt, but it is better than hiding behind the wall.

It may not feel like it now, but you will meet people as you get through the divorce process. Things will get better and there is a good chance that you will meet someone special again.


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## Stretch

It struck me that the only person you might be willing to trust is someone who has been hurt as badly as you have been hurt.

Whether or not infidelity is involved, trusting another person who has been treated like dirt seems more realistc to me.

Lonliness seems like a more painful path.


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## COguy

I think part of me is able to trust others because I view my ex in a different light now that time has passed. When things were fresh I was just grieving the loss of this view I had of my wife and our marriage. Now that I've been separated from that, I see it for what it was. A poor marriage to someone who obviously did not care about our marriage the way I did. Not everyone is in that situation but the more I hear about cheaters the more I feel strongly that it is really a character flaw and gauge of someone's integrity and not something that everyone would do under the right circumstances.

On the flip side, I do still have some trust issues, but I don't feel that is entirely negative or unhealthy. The level of trust I put in my ex was not realistic, and no one should have that level of trust in another person. At the point where someone says or does something that is "fishy", it's OK to question that and not accept things at face value.

It's a double edged sword. There's a loss of innocence thing where you view the world in a different light, but in some ways it's a more realistic view of life. It's not all bad. But don't worry about it for now, if you are fresh into a separation, allow yourself to grieve and be upset. Do not short circuit that process, it is necessary to heal and be strong in the long run.


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## 3Xnocharm

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'd like to suggest something to the men who have been cheated on.
> 
> When you start dating someone who you think has real potential, tell her. Not first date, woe is me. But later on, a simple "my ex cheated on me and I need you to know I may have trust issues and it's all on me but it would help if you are very open".
> 
> I came here because my boyfriend at the time was separated and divorcing a woman who had cheated, tried R, cheated again and then they were on their way to divorce. I wanted to understand what that did to his psyche.
> 
> Because of what I learned here, I was careful to tell him where I was, be very open about who I was with and purposefully told him the passworld to my cell phone. I wanted him to know I was willing to be transparent from the start.
> 
> Unfortunately he realized he was a bit too wounded and the divorce process, depression was overwhelming and although he started off really caring about me, felt he had to be honest that he didn't love me and wasn't sure he would ever be able to. Lots of healing needed - wish I knew THAT sooner.
> 
> A good, caring woman will be very willing to earn your trust.


THIS is what I would like for a man to do for me, if I ever venture to try another relationship.


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## EnjoliWoman

I will happily venture into another relationship, complete with prenup if he wants. But I was merely wtih someone who was abusive and always right, not someone who cheated. I've never been cheated on so can't honestly relate except to know it must be awful.

COGuy - makes sense that one's view of a realistic relationship complete with appropriate levels of trust, change after something like that.


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## zillard

We don't have control over anybody else's actions + people can change over time. You will never know if your next partner will cheat or not. It's not possible. But how you view things - including yourself - is very important. 

It's about being comfortable while vulnerable and open emotionally, but still maintaining your boundaries. 

How can I ever trust someone not to cheat on me? I can not 100%. Can I trust myself to be strong enough if it does happen again? That I can be sure of now. If you can't - you may not be ready for another relationship.


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## checkingout

Thank you all for your much needed insight. I am fresh into this separation, but realize my husband was mentally abusive and emotionally distant. I thought he had improved over the last half of the marriage, but when times got hard, he showed his old patterns. I am nowhere close to being ready for another relationship, but I know I'll be stronger and more independent when that times comes.


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## Freak On a Leash

A good attitude. Take this time to work on yourself and establish your own identity, your own life. It will make you stronger and with that strength you'll be able to determine what path you should take with regards to having another person in your life at some point. 

But now isn't the time. Rebound relationships are usually a bad idea in any case. You need to separate/divorce with a clear head and it's the same when you go into a new relationship. Good luck and enjoy your freedom!


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## WomanScorned

It is a choice to be vulnerable enough to trust again. I think in the long run it's worth it. Is it easy? Nope. I don't think I'll ever trust someone as much as I trusted my ex before he had the affair. I don't think any of us who have been cheated on saw it coming. Like you I never thought my ex was capable of it. It blew me out of the water completely and made me question everything I've ever known or believed in. I'm still picking up the pieces two years later, but the shock of it has finally worn off. It will take a lot of time to heal, but give yourself that time. You need it.


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## life101

COguy said:


> I think part of me is able to trust others because I view my ex in a different light now that time has passed. When things were fresh I was just grieving the loss of this view I had of my wife and our marriage. Now that I've been separated from that, I see it for what it was. A poor marriage to someone who obviously did not care about our marriage the way I did. Not everyone is in that situation but the more I hear about cheaters the more I feel strongly that it is really a character flaw and gauge of someone's integrity and not something that everyone would do under the right circumstances.
> 
> On the flip side, I do still have some trust issues, but I don't feel that is entirely negative or unhealthy. The level of trust I put in my ex was not realistic, and no one should have that level of trust in another person. At the point where someone says or does something that is "fishy", it's OK to question that and not accept things at face value.
> 
> It's a double edged sword. There's a loss of innocence thing where you view the world in a different light, but in some ways it's a more realistic view of life. It's not all bad. But don't worry about it for now, if you are fresh into a separation, allow yourself to grieve and be upset. Do not short circuit that process, it is necessary to heal and be strong in the long run.


This is such an awesome post. Couldn't agree more.

When I found my XW to be cheating for the first time, I thought I could never trust her again. But I did. We reconciled, and then she cheated again. I thought we were done. But I trusted her again and got married. Then she cheated again and this time it was over for me.

So, if you think you cannot trust again, you might be in for a pleasant surprise. Just your ex might not be the right person to put that trust in. After filing for divorce, I thought I might never trust another human being completely again, but now I feel differently. If I trust someone else again, then there is a 50% chance that she will cheat on me. I will be depressed for may be a year if that happens. But if I don't trust ever again, then I will be depressed for life. So the cost-benefit analysis tells me to trust again.

Life is full of pain. When our parents decided to have us, they knew that there is a chance that we might die young and they would then have to face unimaginable pain and sorrow. They still decided to have us and now we are here. Think what would have happened if they decided to avoid that pain.

I believe in karma. We cannot change the past. But can any of us say that we have never done anything wrong and have always been just and fair? There is scope for improvement for all of us. Try to be that person that you aspire to be with and sooner or later you will realize that bliss.


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## checkingout

life101 said:


> This is such an awesome post. Couldn't agree more.
> 
> When I found my XW to be cheating for the first time, I thought I could never trust her again. But I did. We reconciled, and then she cheated again. I thought we were done. But I trusted her again and got married. Then she cheated again and this time it was over for me.
> 
> So, if you think you cannot trust again, you might be in for a pleasant surprise. Just your ex might not be the right person to put that trust in. After filing for divorce, I thought I might never trust another human being completely again, but now I feel differently. If I trust someone else again, then there is a 50% chance that she will cheat on me. I will be depressed for may be a year if that happens. But if I don't trust ever again, then I will be depressed for life. So the cost-benefit analysis tells me to trust again.
> 
> Life is full of pain. When our parents decided to have us, they knew that there is a chance that we might die young and they would then have to face unimaginable pain and sorrow. They still decided to have us and now we are here. Think what would have happened if they decided to avoid that pain.
> 
> I believe in karma. We cannot change the past. But can any of us say that we have never done anything wrong and have always been just and fair? There is scope for improvement for all of us. Try to be that person that you aspire to be with and sooner or later you will realize that bliss.


Now that was an awesome post! It showed me an entirely new way of looking at things. I will trust again, maybe not anytime soon, but eventually I will. I met my ex when I was 16 and never really discovered who I am. I am going to enjoy my freedom and get to know me.


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## zillard

life101 said:


> But if I don't trust ever again, then I will be depressed for life.





checkingout said:


> I met my ex when I was 16 and never really discovered who I am. I am going to enjoy my freedom and get to know me.


If you really get in touch with yourself and become comfortable with who you are, you will not be depressed for life. Even if you are alone.


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## whitehawk

Through all this I've realized and seen with my own eyes , everywhere, women are actually far far worse than men now and in lots of ways not just one or two..
They don't make many like they use to , like our mums or grandmas
So you feel as if you can only believe 1/2 of what you see and pretty well none of what is said if you wanna add some hard times and 20 yrs into the picture- so how do you trust that.
You also find out about the power someone you fell in love with has , to totally destroy your life , family. 
How will you know next time you have somebody with the guts and is prepared to forget about themselves for 5mins if the going gets rough later on.
Doesn't seem to be too many of them out there anymore.


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## mule kick

White hawk- you aren't 20 anymore, you aren't looking to build a life and family with the stay at home mom and the toddlers and baby room and all that. The life you will build now is in cooperation with someone else, maybe, but not dependent on them to make it work. You will need to find someone with similar goals to yours just to do that, and that is no longer so simple as getting knocked up or moving in together. 

The women I met online or at clubs were just looking to date. That's the life they want and I think that's great. There are many, many women out there, though and you may find the person you are looking for the old fashioned way -by living your life- not in the singles scene.


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## vi_bride04

zillard said:


> We don't have control over anybody else's actions + people can change over time. You will never know if your next partner will cheat or not. It's not possible. But how you view things - including yourself - is very important.
> 
> *It's about being comfortable while vulnerable and open emotionally, but still maintaining your boundaries. *
> 
> How can I ever trust someone not to cheat on me? I can not 100%. Can I trust myself to be strong enough if it does happen again? That I can be sure of now. If you can't - you may not be ready for another relationship.


I love this post. Love it. Very insightful.


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## angelpixie

whitehawk said:


> Through all this I've realized and seen with my own eyes , everywhere, women are actually far far worse than men now and in lots of ways not just one or two..
> They don't make many like they use to , like our mums or grandmas
> So you feel as if you can only believe 1/2 of what you see and pretty well none of what is said if you wanna add some hard times and 20 yrs into the picture- so how do you trust that.
> You also find out about the power someone you fell in love with has , to totally destroy your life , family.
> How will you know next time you have somebody with the guts and is prepared to forget about themselves for 5mins if the going gets rough later on.
> Doesn't seem to be too many of them out there anymore.


It's not about gender, Whitehawk. There may be a societal change in the way many women view relationships, family, etc., but that happened a generation ago with men. Remember the 'Divorce Revolution' of the 80's? The 'Deadbeat Dad'? There were people saying the same thing then -- what happened to men? Why don't they care to stay with their marriages and families? These are societal shifts, not generalized changes in one gender or the other. It may lead to a generalized change in attitudes, but that doesn't mean everyone feels and thinks the same way.

It is not true that 'Men' or 'Women' can't be trusted. *Some *men and *some* women have shown that they can't be trusted. And many of them gave clues beforehand that we either weren't savvy enough to see, or chose to overlook for various dysfunctional reasons of our own.

It is hard not to develop some bitterness when we've been hurt like we have. But as others have said, trusting again is a conscious choice. I'm also choosing to work on myself, so that my 'picker' is in better working order next time around.


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## NoWhere

Trust is a sketchy issue for me. I trusted my ex for 13 years before she cheated so its really not something that builds for me. In other words as the years go on I can't just trust more and more. As I see it you have to leap into a relationship blind and completely trust someone until they give you a reason not to. If you spend all your time scared of being hurt again you will second guess every action your lover makes. Making yourself and your girlfriend/boyfriend miserable in the process. 

And like Zillard said so eloquently you have to be willing to accept that people change, trust is broken and all relationships will have their challenges. You have to be strong enough to survive that if it happens and move on knowing the bad doesn't always outweigh the good. In my case the year I was in turmoil from the breakup/cheating still doesn't outweigh the 12 years of a great marriage for the most part and many happy times together. Just because it had to end doesn't nullify those times for me. It was because they were so good that it hurt so much when it ended.


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## Freak On a Leash

whitehawk said:


> They don't make many like they use to , like our mums or grandmas


Both my grandmother and mother were horrible people who made their husband's lives miserable. Try not to generalize because no time, place or person is perfect.


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## whitehawk

mule kick said:


> White hawk- you aren't 20 anymore, you aren't looking to build a life and family with the stay at home mom and the toddlers and baby room and all that. The life you will build now is in cooperation with someone else, maybe, but not dependent on them to make it work. You will need to find someone with similar goals to yours just to do that, and that is no longer so simple as getting knocked up or moving in together.
> 
> The women I met online or at clubs were just looking to date. That's the life they want and I think that's great. There are many, many women out there, though and you may find the person you are looking for the old fashioned way -by living your life- not in the singles scene.



Thanks for the view Mule. But yeah who knows , I couldn't see why not though however - don't even know if I want another one yet.
And yeah it's a different life we'd be building now but the emotional strings will be no less and from what I see , hear , read , damn near impossible to find one you can trust with that these days.
Sad really but I'm building my own life from here , mine. No womens ever controlling that again.

Wish I was into older women actually that still have some guts and values - but I'm not . ******


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## whitehawk

Freak On a Leash said:


> Both my grandmother and mother were horrible people who made their husband's lives miserable. Try not to generalize because no time, place or person is perfect.



Oh right well , so much for that theory then hey , I'm still screwed.
Although different folks to though you know , [email protected]@/holes everywhere. 
All the mums and grannies on my side , even my in laws actually , would put my ex or my 6 sisters to shame, most girls I've met actually and there's been a few.


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## whitehawk

ps , don't mind me I'm female jaded right now . :smthumbup:


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## LostOneForGood

Very Cool Post!!

I, as many on here was cheated on and it was worse the worse thing that anyone has ever done to me put together!!!

I can say 11 months later I am still bitter and shocked to say the least. Mine being my vest friend for 6 years prior to getting together, together 6, married 4. So she was married 2 times before, I was third. I knew both her ex's, one was a jerk, the other ok. She told both of them and myself, their are only two things that will endour marriage.. 1. If you abuse me (I did not)
2. If you cheat on me ( I did not).. Here is the best part, both of those things she didnt want done to her, SHE DID To ME!!! 
So she lied to me for almost 8 months, or longer, cant confirm. 
For me, I always had a hard time trusting people and besides my family, I trusted her with my life and she destroyed it with one sentence.. I Love You, But Not In Love You.. That is my most Hated statement... 

So Trust for me.... Hell to the NO!!!


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## angelpixie

I realize it's not just trusting the other person, it's trusting myself to make good choices. So far, I haven't. I've been partly responsible for my own heartache because of who I chose to give my heart to. 

I'm still working on trusting my gut, and being strong enough to end things when I know there's something wrong, even though it means losing the decent parts of the relationship and going back to being alone. I'm far too likely to hang in there, waiting for it to get better, when it never will. That person didn't deserve my trust in the first place, but I gave it anyway, kwim?


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## Bafuna

Yes, its about the choices we make, although sometimes we make the right choices and the people just change.

I think we should realise that life is not always in our oen hands, no matter how much we do right, it doesnt protect us from being hurt. Should we stop doing right, NO. Should we stop living. Hell NO.


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