# What does full transparency mean to you?



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My idea of full transparency is different from others here. I believe it's to be as open and honest as possible. Some feel it's okay to pour through their spouses things at will. I am still not okay with that. Is okay for a spouse to read a journal or diary anytime they want? Is it okay to open emails from family members before the spouse even has a chance to look at them? 
I know a lot of people are dealing with cheating here and I can understand that part of it. But for those that are not facing those issues I can not understand why a spouse should do this. 
I do not go through my wife's phone, email, etc. If I felt she was up to something or my gut was telling me something I might. But to go through her stuff for no reason other than curiosity I am just not that person.
Is there a limit to it? At what point is this not healthy, or is it healthy to say do spot checks on your wives or husbands? Again to the spouses who are dealing with cheating, you have my sympathys and I understand. This is not so much geared to you.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

My SO deserves her privacy. That said, she should have nothing to hide. Bottom line is I don't snoop. But I know her passwords and PIN on her phone and I don't have a problem that she knows mine. I can login to her email if I want to, but I don't want to. Heck, even if I need to pull something benign from her profile I ask her permission, despite already knowing how to do it. 

So its one of those things -- if she insisted on NOT giving me access to something then I'd be curious. But it is a two way streak, too. I don't do spot checks.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I feel that spouses should have full access to everything. It doesn't necessarily mean you are going to look. My DH and I are having that issue now due to his behaviors and past infedility. He becomes angry that I request full access to everything. He has never been transparent and has a difficult time understanding "if there is nothing to hide, there is nothing to hide." My phone, email and FB is always open to him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

We have each others' passwords, full access to everything.... bank accounts, phone, mail, whatever.... but we don't open each other's stuff at all. We could, and if we need to, we ask. 

It's just polite and respectful. 

But... if there was a hint of cheating, oh ya.... we'd both snoop!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I think there are some things that should be private - your journal, for instance. If for no other reason than you say sh*t in your journal that you might not really mean or feel differently about the next day. Generally I wouldn't keep my passwords secret from an SO but I would expect there to be some respect of my privacy on his part. If he were using my password to even periodically read my emails without telling me, for instance, I wouldn't like that. 

But when you talk about transparency, I think of it as an emotional thing. Partners should be transparent about what they want. What isn't working. And what they like, for that matter. 

But there are lines. I accept that my SO is going to be attracted to other people. I don't need or want him to be so transparent about it that he makes comments about other women when the two of us are together. If he is attracted to another woman at work but he has no intention of doing anything about it, I would rather not know. I really only want to know if and when his attractions / connections to other people are a threat to our relationship. 

But he needs to be self-aware enough to know when he is crossing that line and be motivated to keep our relationship together. If those two things aren't present, then emotional transparency in and of itself isn't very useful. 

Self-awareness is something I've seen a lot of people lack. You have to be self-aware and self-accepting in order to be willing to be transparent with your SO.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

We respect each other's privacy and we don't have secrecy in the marriage.

My husband and I have joint accounts. He knows my username here and elsewhere. He has zero interest in reading what I write online. He can open/read letters addressed to me, but he won't. We know the passwords to each other's email accounts. I know he doesn't go through my email because half the time he can't remember the password even though he has been told it at least twenty times. I don't go through his emails either. I might ask him to to read something in my email account because I'm too busy, but we don't snoop and he hasn't given me a reason to snoop. If I had a reason to snoop, I probably would, but in the absence of a strong reason to read his emails, I don't. 

A journal/diary isn't something I have anymore, but I consider it very private. I wouldn't like it if he read it without asking. People use journals to vent. Sometimes things we can't say in person to another gets logged in writing. The entries may contain things that have since been resolved. In the absence of a strong need to read a journal, I'd leave it alone. It's opening a Pandora's Box. I don't need to know every single thought that crosses his head.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richie33 said:


> My idea of full transparency is different from others here. I believe it's to be as open and honest as possible. Some feel it's okay to pour through their spouses things at will. I am still not okay with that. Is okay for a spouse to read a journal or diary anytime they want? Is it okay to open emails from family members before the spouse even has a chance to look at them?
> I know a lot of people are dealing with cheating here and I can understand that part of it. But for those that are not facing those issues I can not understand why a spouse should do this.
> I do not go through my wife's phone, email, etc. If I felt she was up to something or my gut was telling me something I might. But to go through her stuff for no reason other than curiosity I am just not that person.
> Is there a limit to it? At what point is this not healthy, or is it healthy to say do spot checks on your wives or husbands? Again to the spouses who are dealing with cheating, you have my sympathys and I understand. This is not so much geared to you.


Richie33... maybe you have already seen my thread on this.. many have .. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html

What I call a *"willing transparency"* is very close to my







...this is nothing pressured , or forced.. but GIVING...because we enjoy sharing so much.. I could not be with a man who didn't appreciate that about me and want to give back in the same ways.. I explain how this works in our marriage.. 

Because of how we flow in this.. very naturally (yrs before we married as well)... I have never felt the need to snoop on my husband (well almost...except for a little porn when I got bored at home )... and neither has he..

I just asked him standing here -if he has ever snooped.. his reply.. "No, I have never needed to".. I am very forthcoming, I can't keep anything from him.. if I tried too, it would be like a jagged pill in my throat, it would have to come up.. ya know.. that's just how I AM.. have always been....

Now I will admit back in the day - I did get on his desktop and look for Playboy bunnies (always his weakness)..he never even tried to hide them from me... I would go in there deleting his files and give him a little hell -plastered some scriptures on his desktop..he would feel bad ..(seriously he did).. and in honesty I never thought this was an outrageous thing.. what I should have realized was -he needed more sex -like







.. he was looking at those in the mornings when he wanted to get it on with me (before work sometimes) 

I just felt this was against GOD or something.. even though He satisfied my every need.. I have gotten over this obviously ...I think I like Porn more than him now.. crazily.. so it's funny to look back upon...now he downloads freely.. and appreciates my attitude.. 

Besides this .. I can not think of one area where either of us felt the need to "verify" or alleviate our worries the other was up to something..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

The more Dug knows about me, the better. Helps him to understand me, and more effectively interact with me. Not like me to hide anything. I just feel like I have to say it all.

I ask him questions when I want to know what he thinks. I usually have to ask, though. He is not necessarily a big talker.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

For me, it means that both partners keep each other informed, and never ever hide anything like a secret email account, a secret cell phone, deleted texts, whatever. It has nothing to do with whether someone actually snoops. It has everything to do with people just being honest with each other and not purposely hiding anything.

Before my husband cheated, I really had no desire to look at his emails, bank accounts, credit cards statements, etc. As far as I knew he didn't have a cell phone, so no texts to look at. It just wasn't on my radar, really, at all, and was never an issue. Before he was cheating, I do know that if I HAD asked him for his email information for some reason, it would have depended what stage our relationship was at whether he took offense or not. I know that if he had asked me, I wouldn't have had a problem with it.

When he started cheating, he password protected his laptop. I never used it so again, I wasn't really even aware he did so. Then my computer busted so I WAS using his, and he did give me the password. When I questioned him as to why he had a password on it, he said to keep the kids out of it (valid). No biggie.

That is how I caught him though. He forgot to log out of yahoo chat. If he'd done what I asked and helped me buy a new computer, I wouldn't have caught him, not that way anyway.

Once I decided to R, though, I wanted every single password and link possible. He actually volunteered all of it - I didn't have to insist. (one of the reasons we are even in R). 

Now, over 4 years out, I don't look any more. But I do have all his info. I can look at his phone whenever I want, I can bring up his work email or personal email, I can look at bank account and credit card statements. But I don't. I'm past needing to.

The need to snoop can arise from a current partner being unfaithful, but it can also result from past partners indiscretions.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Richie33... maybe you have already seen my thread on this.. many have ..
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...parency-what-means-our-marraige-what-you.html
> 
> ...


Willing transparency is a great term and how I feel about it as well. I don't need to read my spouses diary everyday. But I need to be able to if I want to. Transparency is about openness and willingness go share everything if wanted or needed


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Wolf1974 said:


> *Willing transparency is a great term and how I feel about it as well. * I don't need to read my spouses diary everyday. But I need to be able to if I want to. Transparency is about openness and willingness go share everything if wanted or needed


As for the "*willing"* ...I've never heard it expressed this way... I coined that term in trying to do justice to how this works for the 2 of us...as so many seem to THINK it is something that we "have to do" -to prove ourselves.. (transparency is not a word many get excited about)... but I have never looked at it this way.. nor has he... it is more something we hold dear and so ENJOY about each other.. we couldn't see it any other way.. 

Not long ago, his Mom wanted him to keep a secret from me... he could only do it for a day, it was so funny listening to him go on how he HAD to get this off his chest, telling me I was his soul mate and he can't keep anything from me.. It was so silly, why she didn't want me to learn yet -didn't even make sense... but I loved how he felt about that.. it's the same as I do !



richie33 said:


> My idea of full transparency is different from others here.* I believe it's to be as open and honest as possible. *Some feel it's okay to pour through their spouses things at will. I am still not okay with that.* Is okay for a spouse to read a journal or diary anytime they want? Is it okay to open emails from family members before the spouse even has a chance to look at them?*


 I , too feel we should be as HONEST and OPEN as possible.. what I mean by this.... is sharing all the JUICY stuff.. even the stuff that we are feeling bad about... whatever it is.. 

Really.. anything that has the POWER to come between you & your spouse's emotional connection *NEEDS shared*.. I tried to explain this in my thread...it's so important to take everything at the SEED STAGE.. if we fail to do this.. and allow secrecy - some allure somewhere else (or to someone else) to fester, it can take root.. there is "power" in secrets -very dangerous for marriages.. by sharing -we break that power..* and it holds us accountable to each other. *

This explains that well...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/articles/993-sex-lies-secrets-secrecy-destroying-your-marriage.html










I have 2 journals , a Family and Erotic.. I have them on a few of our drives (we share).. I WISH he would read my stuff... darn him ! I wish he took more interest HERE.. but he is not the reader I am.. so that is not going to happen. So no, I would have no problem with him looking into anything I do online .. none of it would surprise him at all. I tell him everything juicy I talk about anyway.. it makes for some great conversations .. 

Neither of us would be upset if he or I opened up an email, he has asked me to go into his email and do things for him -from work before.. to check this or that, reply to someone.....we both know each others passwords to all these things..including FB, here at TAM.. 



> I know a lot of people are dealing with cheating here and I can understand that part of it. *But for those that are not facing those issues I can not understand why a spouse should do this.*


 I am going to take a stab at this.. many people have been cheated on before by former BF's , GF's..Ex's... they often carry these betrayals (to some extent) into their new relationships and struggle feeling "I am not sure I can ever trust another man or woman".. even if the one they married has given them no reason to feel this way.. 

ON a very smaller scale, my husband used to lend tools to friends.. too often people would not give them back or we'd have to ask -annoying.. so we got to the point. ya know what.. most people are just not responsible.. they cant remember sh** .. so we now tell them .. if you want to use this tool -you'll have to come to our house to use it.. (basically we didn't trust people so easily anymore).

I think when you've been burned so many times. your worldview changes..and it's an uphill climb to get back to where you was before when you had more faith in people...



> I do not go through my wife's phone, email, etc. If I felt she was up to something or my gut was telling me something I might. But to go through her stuff for no reason other than curiosity I am just not that person.


 It's honorable. but the sad thing I see in what you say here is this..

It's generally the MOST TRUSTING SOULS (the ones who would never do such things)....that too often get taken ... *Hope1964* spoke she felt like this.. "I really had no desire to look at his emails, bank accounts, credit cards statements, etc. As far as I knew he didn't have a cell phone, so no texts to look at. It just wasn't on my radar, really, at all, and was never an issue."

Their spouses know they are this way and never have to worry about them ..I say if you feel your emotional needs are not being met..or on another front...ongoing stress, something is off...(sounds it could have been financial hiding from Hope's husband)..I might think twice on that stance.. 



> *Is there a limit to it? At what point is this not healthy, or is it healthy to say do spot checks on your wives or husbands? *Again to the spouses who are dealing with cheating, you have my sympathys and I understand. This is not so much geared to you.


 When they BULK at a willing transparency.. when you feel they need more privacy over yourself and you don't understand why.. when it's not adding up, something is amiss....... I feel the balance has been tipped in a way I would not be so comfortable with..


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Diaries/ journals would be a tricky thing for me. We all have or ups and downs in a marriage. How I feel about my wife here in the present might be different than say I did six months ago. Reading in print my wife's dislike for me say at that time my cause some issues in the present. For me I would rather not open that can of worms.
I also sometimes feel if you look hard enough you can find something you don't like. Say this site for example. You may post something about your marriage, your words, your feelings that you are looking for outside help with. You are not at the point of sharing with your spouse., just looking for a outsiders view point. The spouse who is checking your every Internet move may feel betrayed. That was never your intentions but you are now stuck with a unhappy spouse. 
It's just my belief that you should be allowed some freedom of expression either on here, a diary of journal that should be off limits.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

richie33 said:


> *Diaries/ journals would be a tricky thing for me. We all have or ups and downs in a marriage. How I feel about my wife here in the present might be different than say I did six months ago.* Reading in print my wife's dislike for me say at that time my cause some issues in the present. For me I would rather not open that can of worms.


 My journals are very different, they are a recording of our experiences, our memories... more of a delight to read..... but I also put our FIGHTS in there, generally these end on a very funny note and complete resolution .. so we can always look back at our arguments with a 

If I am mad at my husband (this is pretty rare and generally during pms)...we will sit down and air it out.. sometimes I have written letters to sort out my feelings -then I have read them to him face to face...

I can't bury or hide how I feel from him.. he wouldn't want me to... If he is upset with me...he NOW knows better, he better come to me!!! In the past, he tried to bury some of his feelings. this was not the way to go.. we missed each other in ways that should never have been.. live and learn. 



> *I also sometimes feel if you look hard enough you can find something you don't like. Say this site for example. You may post something about your marriage, your words, your feelings that you are looking for outside help with. You are not at the point of sharing with your spouse., just looking for a outsiders view point. The spouse who is checking your every Internet move may feel betrayed. That was never your intentions but you are now stuck with a unhappy spouse.
> It's just my belief that you should be allowed some freedom of expression either on here, a diary of journal that should be off limits.*


 What I take from this.. is most spouses could not handle the *hard truths*.. to me this comes down to expecting Perfection.. none of us are perfect, we struggle with our feelings, we screw up, we say stupid things, sometimes we are selfish...we want what we want, sometimes we're just not compatible..

I completely understand most people would feel like a mack truck hit them -a fist to the stomach...to learn their spouse was on here complaining about them.. but really.. is it that far fetched if you are not feeling connected at home ?? I really don't think most people are *self aware* enough to see their own hand in their issues at home...this is a huge problem in itself ..it's like being met with a brick wall.. so people hide to keep the peace.. 

Any thing that gets discussed & opened up here would also be put on the table at Marriage counseling.. (so I gather ...to reach to those root issues...the hurt not expressed, but covered up.. that people fear expressing )...

But TRUE.. if a spouse couldn't handle it and would only seek to blame...never let you live it down, call you names, put you in the dog house (because again, they expect perfection) then yeah.. I can see why people just wouldn't dare share being here... (though I do find it a shame).

My 1st thread here was about my husband... I said in it -he would be reading the replies right along with me... he wasn't offended by this.. he wants to work with me.. so we could find that "common ground" so we are both HAPPY...


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## I'llUseMyEars (Jul 27, 2014)

Yes, I agree. Diarys and personal journals can be said to be quite private, and should stay as such, unless you offer it up for reading.
Now, where I dont have either, its not an issue. As for anything else, phones, tablets, etc........we have no secrets. They are kept lying around in the open for anyone to check and be nosy. The beauty of it is, NEITHER one of us feels any need to look. Furthermore, in discussion, if I did feel a need to I still would not........just not who I am, or where I feel we are in our relationship.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you are right on, SA, about people not being able to see their own hand in their marital troubles. It is always the fault of the other . . .


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## RichieBanks (Jul 4, 2014)

My wife and I had a pretty great marriage for about 30 years. She says she still does.

We differ on the total transparency thing. 

She was upset when I asked her not to read my emails to others. I never could explain to her how, if I think she'll be reading what I'm writing to a friend, it will make me write something different.

When we discuss lovers before we met, she gets upset even though she knew I was very sexually active before. And her versions of her prior lovers has changed drastically over the years. When she does talk about them, now she denies most of the sex she once admitted to.

I discovered that she'd had sex with a coworker when we'd been married about three years. The worked the night desk together at a Ramada Inn. Nice guy, very nice guy, I didn't blame her and just kept it to myself. I've never been the jealous type. Years later I admitted that I knew, and had known and was OK with it, and she became very angry. Go figure?

So, from a man who has 42 years of marriage under his belt, it's not always a good idea to be totally open and honest.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

RichieBanks said:


> My wife and I had a pretty great marriage for about 30 years. She says she still does.
> 
> We differ on the total transparency thing.
> 
> ...


100% disagree. You should strive for honesty in all things with your spouse. 

She probably got angry with you about her affair because you never manned up to fight for her. You kept it secret that you knew, thats almost as bad as what she did. Why in the WORLD would you be ok with what she did?? Were you doing the same?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

RichieBanks said:


> My wife and I had a pretty great marriage for about 30 years. She says she still does.
> 
> We differ on the total transparency thing.
> 
> ...


I get that a partner's negative reaction to your transparency makes you not want to be transparent. And I think sometimes telling the truth doesn't do anyone any good. But that doesn't mean transparency isn't a good goal. 

Your wife's behavior is what i was talking about earlier when I said that transparency and self-awareness and acceptance need to go hand-in-hand. Sounds like your wife has a hard time admitting to herself who or how many people she slept with before you got married and so isn't transparent with you.


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## RichieBanks (Jul 4, 2014)

To answer 3Xnocharm's question..., why would I want to fight the guy? My wife was pretty hot and they were good friends. I sure don't blame him. And, truthfully, he would have run scared from me.

I've never been the jealous or possessive type. I do believe in emotional monogamy but not physical monogamy. The only true monogamous animal is the hermaphrodite.

And I'd love to be totally transparent with her but she doesn't want that. I remember her commenting, a few months ago, about her friend who introduced us on our blind date. And, btw..., that couple is still married after 42 years too.

We were talking about how *****y she is to her husband. Her husband and I were both Air Force Combat Controllers back then. My wife said that, if I'd met her friend before my buddy did, that I might be married to her and have her *****ing at me. I simply told her the truth. And the truth is that I wanted to have sex with her friend, not a relationship. My wife told me that I shouldn't talk to her like a buddy, because she's not a buddy, she's my wife.

I guess that I'm just asking too much to expect her to be both.


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