# New Here.. Failing Marriage



## NGWife (Sep 27, 2014)

I got married when I was 20, almost 3 years ago. Last year, on Halloween, my husband decided to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He was also having a relationship with a coworker that I had been begging him to stop texting for months because she would make "jokes" about him coming over to help her with things. Anyway, my husband moved out for 2 months, and I begged him to come back. After I found out about the affair, I started to give up. I reached out to old friends, I was getting my appetite back, and not crying as much. I even went to counseling on my own. Right before our anniversary, he decided he wanted to work things out with me. I was skeptical, but my marriage meant a lot to me and I take my vows seriously. So I agreed to try and work things out. 

Soon after he came home (like literally a week or so), I got pregnant. We had our daughter early, and after we brought her home from the NICU, things with my husband really started to bother me. He doesn't help me out very much, and I realized that, since I became pregnant, we never really worked through our issues. Now I'm having trouble believing I can be happy in this marriage anymore. I hate feeling that way, because I want my daughter to have her parents together, but I also want her to follow whatever makes her happy in life, and I don't know how I can expect that if I don't even do it. I have talked to my husband about this, but I don't know what to expect because we're having the same fights we've been having for years. I have no idea what to do. I need to find myself again. I just don't know if he's willing to really make the changes to make it work this time. Anyone felt this way before?


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Your story is written on many pages of TAM. It goes like this: wayward spouse has an affair. Betrayed spouse wants to work it out. The affair is swept under the rug and the wayward spouse, having no consequences for their actions never truly helps the betrayed heal. Years go by and the betrayed always wonders why they have a shadow of suspicion and even fear stalking them every day.

All because there was never any real attempt to work on the issues that lead up to the affair.

Another few years go by and the poster comes back to TAM starting a thread about multiple affairs during their "reconciliation".


Don't be that person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

It's not about finding yourself as much as it is about finding your self- respect. Children need to grow up in homes where each adult has a healthy dose of self-respect and respect for each other. It is the model of how they will respect themselves through childhood and as adults. If that's not present in the home in the future, don't try to save a marriage by yourself. But do try "good" marriage counseling together to see if that can help before any major decisions are made.

P.S. Please read the Newbie thread by AlmostRecovered in my signature below.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

NGWife

Listen to Regret214 and let her words sink in. Then read it again, let it sink in more. One of the biggest issues I had with my WW were consequences. There is no guarantee my WW will not cheat again. To be blunt if you attempt to R you will be taking a leap of faith. Trust your gut. Get into marriage counseling and IC for either of you if you need it. What were his reasons for cheating? He will have to do some strong self reflecting to fix these issues. I am eight months from d-day myself, so not the most experienced or even good at giving advice for that matter. It's what my WW and I have done to repair our marriage. 

Read all that reply to you and use what fits you best. I find that the differing opinions on here is great. You basically see things from every angle, some you never saw as your world just exploded. You will get good information here as well as stories that may inspire you. One of the stories that inspired me was regret214 and somedaydig. Look up some of somedaydigs threads and read them. Somedaydig and regret214 helped me more then they will ever know. 

To regret214 and somedaydig, thank you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Your husband has some hard decisions to make. Chief among those is the immediate world he wants his child to grow up in. And that world begins and ends with you. He needs an ultimatum. Make positive changes for marriage or see his child every other weekend until age 18. I would not delay.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What have you told him he must now DO, now that the baby is here?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Know this fact: you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. 

If not you will be held emotionally hostage to a situation that will suck your soul dry.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling. Both of you.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

NGWife said:


> I got married when I was 20, almost 3 years ago. Last year, on Halloween, my husband decided to tell me he didn't love me anymore. He was also having a relationship with a coworker that I had been begging him to stop texting for months because she would make "jokes" about him coming over to help her with things. Anyway, my husband moved out for 2 months, and I begged him to come back. After I found out about the affair, I started to give up. I reached out to old friends, I was getting my appetite back, and not crying as much. I even went to counseling on my own. Right before our anniversary, he decided he wanted to work things out with me. I was skeptical, but my marriage meant a lot to me and I take my vows seriously. So I agreed to try and work things out.
> 
> Soon after he came home (like literally a week or so), I got pregnant. We had our daughter early, and after we brought her home from the NICU, things with my husband really started to bother me. He doesn't help me out very much, and I realized that, since I became pregnant, we never really worked through our issues. Now I'm having trouble believing I can be happy in this marriage anymore. I hate feeling that way, because I want my daughter to have her parents together, but I also want her to follow whatever makes her happy in life, and I don't know how I can expect that if I don't even do it. I have talked to my husband about this, but I don't know what to expect because we're having the same fights we've been having for years. I have no idea what to do. I need to find myself again. I just don't know if he's willing to really make the changes to make it work this time. Anyone felt this way before?


First off please consider the part postpartum depression may have in this. My wife was messed up for a while as her hormones tried to re-balance.

Secondly, You want your daughter to follow whatever makes her happy in life. That lesson she is learning from your WS. How about the lesson of responsibility and accepting and adhering to your principles. You made a child and now you want to follow your happiness? She deserves a stable, secure family to grow up in don't you think?

Why not tell your husband that you have never healed from his following his happiness and you need more from him to make that happen. MC and IC if necessary. If he is really interested in his family he'll man up and help you heal, If not, then you have a difficult choice to make.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I'm no expert, but it seems to me that you and your husband should decide what you are going to do and stick to it. If he or you hedges and says yeah well, I don't know, then you have your answer. Marriage is a promise. It's been broken. Either the two of you together say hey, we're going to fix this, one of you waivers and you say hey we gave it a shot, or I see a lot of needless and self-inflicted pain.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

well, trying to trap him into the marriage with a kid, in hindsight, was not a good idea. But its done, so move forward. Try marriage counselling, use the kid as a bargaining chip to get him to attend. Hoping for the best for you!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

murphy5 said:


> well, trying to trap him into the marriage with a kid, in hindsight, was not a good idea.


?!?!

where does she say this? that's quite an assumption


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I know its rough at your young age.

Not much for me to say that hasn't been said already, but just here to give you moral support. 

Only go to counseling if he wants to.. It will NEVER work if you force him. He will just tell the counselor what they want to hear.. My Ex wife did that.. 20 years later and multiple affairs later we are divorced. I got 2 great boys out of it, but I could have saved myself 8 years at least and got divorced after my second son was born and my Ex had her 2nd to last affair (or attempted).

Just a simple suggestion.. Keep posting in this thread regardless of what is going on.. It makes it easier for everyone to follow along.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> well, trying to trap him into the marriage with a kid, in hindsight, was not a good idea. But its done, so move forward. Try marriage counselling, use the kid as a bargaining chip to get him to attend. Hoping for the best for you!


Her getting pregnant was a byproduct of hysterical bonding and not any trapping methods, I am sure precautions went out of the window after the moment of emotional reconnecting commenced. 

As for using the child as a bargaining chip, disaster is the only outcome from that course of action. She is not a pawn, she is a life and an innocent one at that and deserves to be a priority, not a noun used to attempt to steer a relationship in the direction you want it to be.

As for the Wayward Father, sounds to me like immaturity and lack of consequences are dictating his actions. Document his time away from the house and see a social worker and then hit him with Divorce and child support. If this dose of reality does not induce the aha moment for him then what have you lost. 

First step though is accepting what must be done. So the next time you log on here and see these new comments, review them, write down what you know you NEED to do, not what you want to do ( The Rolling stones were right), rehearse it to yourself and play it out as it helps to ensure that you are not the crazy one and do it.

You'll hate it, you'll feel sick, nervous, anxious, alone, very alone. So ask for help, from any and everyone. Tell them your story, they'll either help you or not, but at least you'll know who is willing to help you. Get together with friends, old ones new ones, as many as possible. Now, log off, and take back your life. Do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NGWife, find a good therapist and start going. Both you individually and you as a couple. You will learn a LOT about marriages and how to make them work.


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