# What do I say???



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I've been talking to my husband, trying to get him to do some of the household chores (I took you all's advice and stopped doing everything that didn't need to be done). 

During our conversations leading up to this, I often tell him how he makes me feel as if I don't do anything right. He always has to be right, and argues until everyone backs away. 

Part of what goes with this issue is that he is constantly giving "helpful criticism" or at least that is what he calls it (even in the bedroom, which has completely killed my libido). 

I'm constantly doing something wrong, either I talk too loud, or too quiet or don't get to the point fast enough or don't dress the way he wants me to or... it's always something. 

Yesterday, he said "You know how you say that I make you feel that you can't do anything right?" "Well, maybe you can't." 

I don't know what to do. 

Sorry about my rant... I just needed to talk about it, it's been bothering me so much.


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## PENNY4URTHOUGHTS (Feb 6, 2009)

He sounds just like my husband, except that my husband found the need to scold me-- which drives me crazy!! This may not be good advise, but what the hell! I recently started talking to my husband in the same mannerism that he does me. He had not realized how awful he was until he heard it comming from me. Sometimes you have to give them a taste of their own medicine for them to see what jerks they are! Do onto others is now... as they do onto you!


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

PENNY4URTHOUGHTS said:


> He sounds just like my husband, except that my husband found the need to scold me-- which drives me crazy!! This may not be good advise, but what the hell! I recently started talking to my husband in the same mannerism that he does me. He had not realized how awful he was until he heard it comming from me. Sometimes you have to give them a taste of their own medicine for them to see what jerks they are! Do onto others is now... as they do onto you!


I've done that before... but I just don't have the ability to keep up the act for very long.


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## java (Jan 15, 2009)

I agree....try to give it back to him...especially in the bedroom...tell him he isn't hitting the right spot...and to try something else instead. Then maybe that doesn't work either. I would have fun with it. Don't look at it as torture for you or punishment for him...he needs to see what he is doing. Give it to him!


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## Margaret (Mar 31, 2008)

PENNY4URTHOUGHTS said:


> He sounds just like my husband, except that my husband found the need to scold me-- which drives me crazy!! This may not be good advise, but what the hell! I recently started talking to my husband in the same mannerism that he does me. He had not realized how awful he was until he heard it comming from me. Sometimes you have to give them a taste of their own medicine for them to see what jerks they are! Do onto others is now... as they do onto you!


You know, I tried this with my husband, he just scolds back harder. He sees it as a game, a competition. I can't stoop to his level when he gets like this.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

java said:


> I agree....try to give it back to him...especially in the bedroom...tell him he isn't hitting the right spot...and to try something else instead. Then maybe that doesn't work either. I would have fun with it. Don't look at it as torture for you or punishment for him...he needs to see what he is doing. Give it to him!


Trouble is, then he will end up impotent, and no-one will be having any fun!


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Trouble is, then he will end up impotent, and no-one will be having any fun!


Like me. I dread being intimate with him because it usually leads to me feeling like a freak. When we have a discussion about my "frigidness," and I tell him how I feel, he turns it around on me and insists I get checked out by a doctor (when I know there isn't anything healthwise wrong with me). 

Why is it always my problem? Why can't he own up to contributing to the problem? According to him, I'm an emotionless vulcan. I don't open up to him because I tired of getting shut down, or told I'm in the wrong constantly. So I withdraw. Stay in my little box. We talked about it, I told him why (that his responses always make it seem that he is always right. Always the innocent victim.) Guess what his response was... a string of insults leading to why I was wrong. I told him I was going back into my box.  

BTW Mark, I read your link posted in the general forum about sexless marriages and what causes them... it was spot on. I've seen myself in all of those situations at one time or another with my husband. 


How does one come back from that? If/when he realizes what he is doing, how do I open up again? I've thought about that... what if he does start acting better... it would take me some time to adjust... possibly too long for him to see the benefit of him improving his behavior.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Peridot said:


> BTW Mark, I read your link posted in the general forum about sexless marriages and what causes them... it was spot on. I've seen myself in all of those situations at one time or another with my husband.
> 
> 
> How does one come back from that? If/when he realizes what he is doing, how do I open up again? I've thought about that... what if he does start acting better... it would take me some time to adjust... possibly too long for him to see the benefit of him improving his behavior.


The fastest way would be for you to give him that article to read, and see if he can tell which bits apply to him. If he can't... well you could tell him. As for your second question - you are right - see my article about being out of sync. Basically you need to pay attention to what he is doing in the present, and he needs to keep doing it, even if you don't respond in a flash. 

But as you're the one asking the question, then I have to say to a large extent it's up to you. If you act sexy, you will start to feel sexier. You are sexy.


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## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> The fastest way would be for you to give him that article to read, and see if he can tell which bits apply to him. If he can't... well you could tell him. As for your second question - you are right - see my article about being out of sync.


He thought it was hippy BS.  



> But as you're the one asking the question, then I have to say to a large extent it's up to you. If you act sexy, you will start to feel sexier. You are sexy.


Thanks, wish I felt it. It only seems to be getting worse... he's haranging me about not doing the household chores (cut back to neccessities)... telling his parents how lazy I am in front of me and telling me how old/bad I look (I'm 32, and do not have a wrinkle, not that I should have any yet!). 

His big thing now is that he wants me to go on "The Pill" again. I've been on and off BC since I was 21. Last time I was on orthotricycline 2 years ago, it made me feel very bad. Constantly nauseous, light headed for several months. When I moved to a different "generic," I felt better, but the switch in brands was short-lived (the pharmacy had run out of my brand that month) and I stopped refilling my prescription. 

I prefer using condoms anyway... I have more faith in them, I guess because they are a more tangent means of BC in my mind. I don't want kids and I don't want to flirt with the idea of even getting close to pregnant. 

He keeps bugging me to get back on the Pill, but I don't know, I think it is ultimately my decision because it is my body. He seems to think that he has a say in whether or not I pump my body full of hormones, because he prefers to not use condoms. 

I've thought about maybe an IUD as a compromise, but frankly, I'm a little scared of that idea too. 

P.S. Sorry for the typos, I'm in a hurry and can't run spell check right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Peridot said:


> He thought it was hippy BS.


Did you tell him it described exactly how you felt?
Did you tell him which bits?
I don't think he read to the end.

I think his behaviour is dreadful. If you had better self esteem you would not put up with this:




Peridot said:


> telling his parents how lazy I am in front of me and telling me how old/bad I look (I'm 32, and do not have a wrinkle, not that I should have any yet!).


As for the pill... I would never have wanted my wife to pump herself full of hormones either.


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