# husband not in the mood



## justbeachy (Jul 1, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 8 years (together for 16) and have a great marriage. We're best friends and enjoy spending time together, however, we rarely have sex anymore. I hear this is fairly common but it's usually because the woman isn't in the mood or the couple is too tired from dealing with kids all day. I'm actually the one trying to initiate sex but I'm usually turned down. When I try to talk to my husband about our sex life (or lack thereof) he gets defensive. I'm trying to figure out if it could be because of a medical issue (low testosterone that I keep hearing about on tv) or if he's just sick of having sex with me, or if he's no longer attracted to me. We're only in our late 30s and generally healthy + we don't have children. I'm baffled. Any advice?


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Is he getting his needs met elsewhere? Maybe not cheating but masturbating with or without porn? It might be low testosterone but it could be he's getting off without you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

As difficult as this may be for you, guessing at the answer isn't your best course of action. Why don't you ask him, and keep asking and keep asking until you feel confident you know what the problem is and how to fix it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Lack of sex is a symptom of something else gone wrong in a marriage.

You say you're best friends and enjoy spending time together... what does HE say?

It could be your perception of the marriage is a lot different than his.

Talk to him about it. Ask him to get checked out. If he refuses, then explain to him that a fulfilling, intimate sexual relationship is necessary in a marriage and without it, the marriage will fail. Ask him if that is what he wants.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

OP - how long has this been going on? Was there a time where you can see a definite starting point, as if something had triggered it? Or was it a slow and gradual decline? My husband didn't really open up much either, but one question that helped get the discussion rolling a bit was, "Do you expect to be celibate for the next 40 years?"


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## Legend (Jun 25, 2013)

Practical: Make sure he isn't masturbating and watching porn, ever. That can be destructive to a married couple's sexual relationship. 

If he has a low libido, he can take up jogging which may increase HGH and testosterone naturally. Eating right and being in good physical shape are the best thing we can do for ourselves and our spouse. Avoid liquor and smoking. Blood pressure and cholesterol medication can definitely make sex more difficult for men. If he's really interested in your fulfillment, he can even try a daily 15 minute jelqing routine that will increase blood flow and may allow him to wake up in the morning like he did when he was 16. However, from what I've seen, most low-libido spouses feel their low sex drive is not their problem and could care less about your unfulfilled desires.


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## devinakbv (Jul 2, 2013)

It might be low testosterone but it could be he's getting off without you.


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## amyriches1 (Aug 14, 2013)

My husband treats me the same way, it is constant. We are in our late 20's, have no children and have been married for 5 years. We went to a male hormone clinic in the area, which told him he was normal. I would love to speak with you more about this. I understand the shame that it makes a woman feel when her husband/boyfriend rejects her constantly.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> As difficult as this may be for you, guessing at the answer isn't your best course of action. Why don't you ask him, and keep asking and keep asking until you feel confident you know what the problem is and how to fix it.


:iagree:


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## amyriches1 (Aug 14, 2013)

After reading others responces, I forgot to mention that my husband does watch porn. However, he swears not that often(who knows). Our lack of sex is the only thing we bicker about, other than that we get along great. But then it becomes strange because I feel like I married my brother or something. I have literally laid naked infront of him, and he tells me he is not in the mood and turns on the television. I am very frustrated and hurt, but it doesn't seem like he cares even when I have expressed how it makes me feel.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

amyriches1 said:


> After reading others responces, I forgot to mention that my husband does watch porn. However, he swears not that often(who knows). Our lack of sex is the only thing we bicker about, other than that we get along great. But then it becomes strange because I feel like I married my brother or something. I have literally laid naked infront of him, and he tells me he is not in the mood and turns on the television. I am very frustrated and hurt, but it doesn't seem like he cares even when I have expressed how it makes me feel.


How does he feel about his lack of sex drive? Does he rationalize it as normal for him? Was he always like this?

No one likes to think there is something wrong with them, but when an otherwise loving husband continues to be "okay" with hurting his wives feelings, considering you have told him you feel rejected, unloved and not desired, then there is indeed something wrong with him. And it can't be solved here. Force him to talk to his doctor first. Second, go to marriage counseling together.

One thing that everyone who posts here seems to agree on, you get what you settle for. If rocking his boat is too much for you, then you must settle for a lifetime of rejection and hurt. I don't think you want that.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My sex drive was raging in my teens and early 20's.

Mid 20's I stabilized.

Late 20's I noticed I was slowing down and had control of my sex drive.

30's It got a little slower but natural supps fixed that and weight training too. I can have sex 1 - 3x day if I want to again.

In your hubbies case, could be a stressful job?

Could be he is getting older now, like me, and he needs to start weight training and take some natural supps and he will feel great and get the sex drive back.

Could be he is secretly viewing porn and you have no idea. So when you are in the mood, he's done already and not in the mood.

Could be he is seeing someone, emotional affair, sexting or even a physical affair? All possibilities here.

Could be the sex is routine and boring to him. Spice it up big time. Try:

- giving him a surprise quickie in the shower before he goes to work
- have sex with him in the middle of the night while he sleeps and when he wakes up, nice surprise.
- Try adventurous sex. Anal, foot job, breasts, outside, food, dress up, cosplay, etc. "No more vanilla sex"

If you had a lower sex drive in the beginning and he had a high sex drive, got turned down often, he may of partially given up over the years. I know I have and I rarely initiate anymore.


Us men are simple when it comes to sex.

- we are bored of the same old sex, want to try fetishes and adventurous sex
- not attracted to our other half, they let them self go
- turned down too many times and have partially given up
- actually seeing someone and having an affair
- secretly viewing porn
- honestly getting older, stressful job, maybe kids, and maybe low test.


If my wife had a high, healthy and adventurous sex drive, my interest and viewing of porn would be ZERO!!!


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Lack of sex is a symptom of somethings else. Porn could be the issue


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## MarriedGuyBlues (Jul 31, 2013)

Hey, Beachy . . . I completely understand your frustration. I'm going through this very same problem with my wife. We're both in our late thirties, great friends, enjoy being with one another, in good health, and yet she's completely lost her libido. 

We've been together for eight years and married for four with a 2-year-old son. Her sex drive started to decline before our son arrived on the scene. She says she doesn't know why she's lost her libido. She gives me obligatory sex once a week and says she enjoys it . . . yet she'll never initiate anything. 

I've told her it's depressing she never wants to pro-actively have sex. She says she wishes her libido would return but won't feel guilty about something she can't control. Every discussion we have on the matter turns into an argument, where I somehow become the bad guy.

I hate to think this is how our marriage is going to be from now on. And, oh yeah, here's the kicker . . . she's a Marriage and Family Therapist!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

MarriedGuyBlues said:


> Hey, Beachy . . . I completely understand your frustration. I'm going through this very same problem with my wife. We're both in our late thirties, great friends, enjoy being with one another, in good health, and yet she's completely lost her libido.
> 
> We've been together for eight years and married for four with a 2-year-old son. Her sex drive started to decline before our son arrived on the scene. She says she doesn't know why she's lost her libido. She gives me obligatory sex once a week and says she enjoys it . . . yet she'll never initiate anything.
> 
> ...



She has complete control. She can do something about it!!! She doesn't want to change or do anything about it.....

If she admits she's lost her libido, she should of gone to the Dr. already, got her hormones checked and did a full physical. She should tell her Dr that her sex drive is gone. He would subscribe her meds or if she's on BC, change to a different brand. Or maybe she is seeing someone else? Sexting, EA?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Excessive porn use is typically a symptom of other issues and not the primary cause for a lack of interest. Most men know this inherently and prefer real women whom they consider attractive. Contrary to popular belief we are not sex robots. Men will tell their wives that porn use has destroyed their libido when in fact they are no longer attracted to their partner. If they are using Porn they infact have a libido. They do this to save their marriage or spare the wife's feelings. I'm sure there are exceptions, but this is a common scenario. 

Men use porn for the following reasons:

1. They are insecure about their body or their performance.
2. They are inherently lazy.
3. They are bored with their partner. 
4. They are not physically attracted to their partner.
5. Their partner makes sex difficult or unrewarding.
6. They prefer sex acts that their partner does not perform.

Most men cannot turn down a naked women unless there are serious issues. Either your relationship is not what you think it is or he has some deep rooted issues. You need to figure out what's going on and that starts with honest direct communication. Try talking to him about it, but not when you are trying to initiate. You also need to be sure that he's not cheating or thinking of cheating.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

MarriedGuyBlues said:


> I hate to think this is how our marriage is going to be from now on. And, oh yeah, here's the kicker . . . she's a Marriage and Family Therapist!


Becuase of her training she should understand MUCH better how her libido is affecting you AND she should be taking appropriate steps to ensure she meets your needs as best she can, communicate with you-in ways that work best for you- how her libido might be helped.

I am shocked that she would simply shrug her shoulders in the face of you feeling rejected! Every therapist has a mentor, she needs to check in with her mentor pronto.


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

Not sure why your husband has turned you down; but normally 99.9% of the time it's never usually I that turns down sex but my wife has not been in the mood at least 50 times throughout our marriage.


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

I understand your frustration OP. My H rarely initiates sex. In fact, the only time I can think of that he does, is when he's been drinking and I've gone to bed and I'll wake up to it. Which, btw, is definitely NOT a problem for me. I have a crazy high sex drive which I believe irritates my H. He once said to me "what's the point. Even if we have sex, you just wake me up for more in a few hours." Uh, I'm failing to see the problem here!! Anyway, he never seems interested in me, but is always willing to accept a BJ. It HURTS! It crushes my spirit and depletes my self-esteem.


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