# Confused and upset



## coco1 (Feb 5, 2012)

I am so confused right now and upset - Sorry this post will be long 

My Husband and I have been married just over a year and have a 6 month old son. 

My Husband is 12 years older than me - so when we met he had a great job, was set up financially ect... (or so I thought).

I also did OK for my age (compared to my friends).

We always were 'fine' for money... we would go on holidays, eat out/get take away a lot, lives in a nice area ect...


Anyway, the first issue came about a few months ago... before I met my husband he told me he owned a factory (to store old cars, other boy toys ect) with his father and uncle.

When we moved states we used this factory for storage and my two problems with this were... we were paying a storage fee whilst the other two owners had pretty much 90% of it filled with their stuff AND his uncle complained we were taking up too much room and we had to get rid of it. So I questioned my husband as to why we are paying a storage fee if he owns a third and why we have to move our stuff!

I said to him 'you own a third don't you?!' he replied 'I actually don't know'

This killed me right there and then, not because I care about what he owns but because he is such a smart man professionally and is extremely well educated... but then came this stupidity of 'not knowing' whether you own property or not? They had owned it for about 2 years.. how could you NOT know in that time?!

As I asked more questions/got worked up about it I found out that he wanted to go in with him and they told him it was not beneficial to him and apparently never found out once they bought it whether they included him or not? So he paid them X amount of money per month not knowing if it was going towards a mortgage he would benefit from or just a storage fee.

He could not understand why I would be upset about this!!

He always told me he had huge credit card debt (he said around 20k) and also told me he paid $600 off it a month and had not touched it in ages in an effort to get it down! 

I came across his statement last night and the limit on the CC is $34,000 and he owes exactly $34,600. So he has been maxing it out this whole time on GOD knows what... I was under the impression we paid all bills from his savings account.

We don't have a joint account yet... mainly because he 'hasn't got around to it' every couple of months he says he needs to.

So then I did something only a bad wife would do and looked at his savings account statement (as we pretty much end up with $0 the night before payday and I don't know why!!).

He had a mystery $125 going to an account every week! I called him and asked what it was... he said it was to his dad's card.

Now a while ago, he did tell me he used his Dad's credit card to take his sister and him overseas a few years ago and he paid it completely off for her.... but he has told me on several occasions he does NOT owe his dad money and its all fine.

We have also has several conversations before the baby was born about what repayments ect we both have each month and this NEVER came up. 

He always tells me to go shopping, get my hair done ect... None of which I feel comfortable with NOT having a job at the moment (He told me to quit to be with the baby because we would be FINE').

I'm just so upset. We are married... We are a family. His debt is my debt.

We are always talking about buying a house, going on holidays, new cars ect.... I have no idea how he has been talking like this is all ok!

I feel like I shouldn't be angry/upset because I have no job at the moment - his money is his money... However, it annoys me because he forces me to go out and spend it and always says 'honey, its OUR money'.

Sorry for the rant


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The two of you are married. All of the money he makes is joint income. When you get a job, your income will be joint income. He’s right; it’s your money too. Just as any debt he makes while you are married is your debt as well.

Why do you think that as his wife you should not look at his savings? You both need to know everything about the other’s finances. Your husband has been lying to you. 

Does he have a job? Does he have a steady income? 

While a joint account might be a good idea in most marriages, I’m a bit concerned about your situation. You have no idea what your financial situation is. Your husband is lying to you about it and driving up bills.

What are your plans to get this straightened out?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You should be able to ask his family what is really going on. I think though you will be in for a shock. You have to STOP talking about buying houses and cars etc. I suppose this makes him feel good since you fall for all of it. Why did you fall for an older man, was it his money. I get a feeling it wont last. Your best course of action is get to grips with the whole situation.


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## coco1 (Feb 5, 2012)

Yes he has a stable job and income. 

I did not marry him for money.

He is overseas for work, no way would I go over his head and ask his family before speaking to him.

We finally spoke last night... he was upset I 'went through his stuff' which angers me enough seeing as his bank statement was open and on the table.

Some of the money is paying off his Dads CC on behalf of both himself and his SISTER from a Europe trip they did YEARS ago. 

The other money is apparently for his car... his Dad offered him a low interest loan so he took the offer and paid the finance company.

The amount of times he has told me he now OWNS his car and has 0 finance owning on it is a joke. Call me crazy - but I consider owing your Father money and not the finance company still owning money!! 

His excuse was "he didn't want me to worry" Just over it. I don't even think he is THAT sorry and does not think it is a big deal.

He couldn't even tell me how much more he owes them... He has no idea.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Are you less attracted to your husband, now that you know he doesn't have much?

The lying would bother me as well.


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## coco1 (Feb 5, 2012)

I would have married him even if he did not have a cent to his name.


Its the lying that kills me.

And the fact he 'doesn't know' how much he owes them and 'wasn't 100% sure' if he owned a third of his Dad's factory. I stayed out of the Fiances because I thought he looked after us - But I am beginning to realise he is so financially irresponsible.


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## bluezone (Jan 7, 2012)

It is PERFECTLY okay for you to be upset. He owns part of a business and he is not sure how much of it he owns? He has been blindly paying for something that he is not even sure he is a part of? 

It doesn't matter if you have a job or not, YOU ARE HIS WIFE. You are his partner. You take care of his child and the house. You deserve to know what is going on with the finances. If you decide to get a job after awhile that is a decision both of you should come to. Your child is six months old. 

Everything in your marriage, if you trust and love each other, should be an open book. That includes finances regardless of who is bringing home the money and who is raising children, etc. 

I let my husband take care of our finances, too, in the beginning of our marriage to find out that he was taking money out to gamble 2-3 times a week, had run up our credit cards and hadn't filed our taxes in 3 years. The past is the past. From now on I will NEVER not know what is going on with our finances. We both pay our bills, but I make sure they get paid on time. 

When you can calm down enough to talk to him without freaking out on him, try and see if he will be reasonable about the two of you sharing in the handling of the finances. And go for counseling...if not for both of you...for you alone. You will need someone to help you navigate through all this. Be strong and good luck to you. I feel for you in your situation, been there.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is a really hard place to be in. I really feel for you.

You should be made to feel that you are snooping around or doing something wrong wanting to know the black and white of his finances and your bills. Whether or not he accrued them before you got married, you are now in a marraige where you share all debt. 

I was also in a similar situation with my husband when we first got married. We did have joint accounts and shared all of our money, paychecks, etc. But I let him handle the bills. I never once looked at the bills coming our way and never asked questions, I just assumed he had it handled (that's what he always told me). Then one day we started getting collection notices in the mail - which I happened to open - and that is when I found that he had missed payments on a couple of our bills for a few months. I had no idea before that day that he was struggling to pay our bills or that there was even a problem. I felt so stupid and naive, I have always been a very responsible person and when I was single, fully supported myself and paid all of my bills on time. So I was very very upset.

The best thing that you can do is discuss this and tell him that you want to do things jointly from now on. My husband was very offended when I first suggested it because he felt that I was insinuating that "he couldnt handle it" and took it very personally. Eventually he came around and realized that a system of checks-and-balances between the two of us is the most efficient way to handle the finances and there is nothing wrong with both of us sharing the responsibliity. 

Good luck, I hope that he will listen to you and that you can move forward from this. I know what it is like to be so shocked and hurt. One thing I can suggest - start from today with a clean slate. Do not judge him or make him feel badly for his past mistakes, work towards being positive and making changes for your future. What he did with his money before he met you can be forgiven provided he makes an effort not to make the same mistakes in the future.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I understand you're upset about the lying and him not knowing where he stands as far as his business ownership. You're probably upset about the financial predicament that he has put you all as a family in. Let him know how you want to help him out. I know he does not want you to worry, but you will end up worrying, it will stress you all, and you will have to help take care of it when it all hits the fan. $35,000 in cc debt doesn't just disappear. He's probably worried about getting hit paid off too. Let him know you're here to help. You may have to sacrifice some things as well as him.


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

I definitely understand the frustration with being lied to. It sounds like there are some things going on that you deserve to be a part of. I would try to sit down with him and try to get to the bottom of what's going on. But I agree with with the previous post, if you come from a place where you're just wanting to understand and to help, your chances of a successful discussion will be high. If you come in attacking, expect him to shut down.


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