# Husband left me to be old flame



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Now he wants to come back. I've posted my dramas in other threads but this past week its taken on a whole new twist.

He has a female "friend" who has caused a lot of problems between my husband and I. She calls him constantly and leans on him to rescue her from her anxiety attacks and suicide attempts. He always runs to her. I gave him an ultimatum early this year she goes or I do. He chose me. Or so I thought. All the time he was still seeing her behind my back and lying with a straight face about it. I found out about their continued contact by sheer accident.

I kicked him out of the house this summer. Since then he;s been trying to make amends to me but I know he's still seeing her. By the way its purely EA.. she uses him as her personal shrink. I found an old diary of his from before we met. He writes over and over how much he loves her, why doesn't she love him, how perfect she is and how great they would be together if she would only love him back.

So... 13 years later... I told him again this past week if he chose to have any kind of relationship with her, then him and I will never be in a relationship. Period. 

The twist is I recently found out she left her husband and filed for divorce, last year, at the same time my husband left me unexpectedly. I asked him did he think that if he hung around with her long enough she may want to be with him one day. Was that his hope? And he said YES.. he thought that until recently (obviously she is still not interested). Now he's crawling back to me.

It makes me sick to my stomach that all these years he's carried a flame for this woman yet married me and pretended to be happy. The minute she files for divorce he dumps me and his family.

I still love him, but I don't think I can forgive him, and I certainly can't stay with someone who's heart I never had and probably never will have. He admitted he's had feelings for her all along throughout our marriage.

I don't understand who would do this to another (me) - to a person who loves them and wanted to spend their life with them (me). I don't get it. He's messed with my life and I can't get those years back. If I had known all this I would have never have married him. I would have found someone else who really loved me and only me.

I'm bitter and angry and I can't get past it. Has anyone else had this happen to them too?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your story is crushing to read. I'm so sorry.
Stop loving him. Make the decision, you can choose it. Surely your heart will take it's time to catch you but your actions are something you can control.
Please don't let him drag you along anymore, he has been doing it from the very beggining. File for divorce, dark on him, only practical things, better through lawyers.
At this point I don't think he loves her, he has been clinging to an idolized image of her becasuse she dumped him! He's poorly healing her rejection. He doesn't know up from down. He's enamored of the idea of being in love with her.

Just dump him.
And f'ck arourn. Lots.

Best wishes


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> It makes me sick to my stomach that all these years he's carried a flame for this woman yet married me and pretended to be happy. The minute she files for divorce he dumps me and his family.
> 
> I still love him, but I don't think I can forgive him, and I certainly can't stay with someone who's heart I never had and probably never will have. He admitted he's had feelings for her all along throughout our marriage.
> 
> ...


Stop and think about this man for a minute.

He "loves" her. But she clearly doesn't love him. Sure, she enjoys the compliments and attention he probably showers over her. But he is in the friend zone for her. That means she's not attracted to him romantically and probably has felt that way for a very long time, maybe always. But this does not cause him to stop "loving" her. In fact, it took an entire year for him to come back to you. He just kept banging his head on her closed door, thinking maybe this time it will open.

That all translates to me as a man who doesn't understand what love is. He is most attracted to someone who holds him at arm's length and is essentially rejecting him as a life partner. He deserves pity, as someone who will never be able to live authentically. Sure, he may find someone else to glom on to. But his twisted idea of love will always keep him on the outside looking in, never the participant of a mutual relationship. (Do you know what would happen if that woman actually returned his affections? Eventually, the bloom of his "love" for her would fade, because he equates _rejection_ with love.)

Now look at yourself. You are still in love with someone who utterly, totally rejected you. He did it not because you aren't a terrific person. He did it out of enormous self-centeredness! But also because again, his concept of love has always been stunted. And, it probably always will be.

I say this with loving kindness--and with no intention to hurt you.

What is so different about your "love" for him, compared to his "love" for her?

It's okay to mourn the man you THOUGHT he was. But is it really possible to love someone who saved the "best" of himself for so long for someone else? (I use quotes because I seriously doubt, at this point, that his best is worth much of anything, to anyone.)

YOU, on the other hand, have been loyal to a fault. When the time is right, go find someone who will not just like that, or appreciate that, but _cherish_ it as well.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hi Broken, 

I'm so sorry you're still going through this. I agree with the above posters. You deserve someone much better than your husband. He's always treated you second and you don't deserve that. File for divorce and don't bother with him anymore. Hugs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Part of him has never progressed past infatuated teen.

Ah! Oh! I just had a rather unpleasant thought!



> ...she uses him as her personal shrink.





> The twist is I recently found out she left her husband and filed for divorce, last year, at the same time my husband left me unexpectedly.


*
Did he advise her to file, in order to then step in as a knight on horseback and rescue the damsel in distress?*

If so, he is toxic. Get rid. Not worthy of your time or effort.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Well interestingly enough our MC (husband quit 8 mths or so ago) told me that he is an avoidant personality, he does not know what love is, he is a little boy in a grown up's body. She was the one who advised me to set that boundary yet again regarding his relationship with the homewrecker this past week because he was asking me to reconcile.

I'm so incredibly sad. I don't know if I could ever trust someone's word ever again. If some guy ever told me he loved me and I was his "dream girl" I fear I would just think he's lying. I have so many wonderful memories from our first few years of marriage. I was so in love and so happy, and he seemed so too. He was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. Then he started to pull away after about 2-3 years. Then a few years after that he started contacting ex-girlfriends and talking about his unhappiness with me. He's been "friends" with this woman in question all along. He had told me from the start she was just an old friend. I had no idea of the truth until I found that old diary of his. He knows I read it, I told him. He went nuts... went right off the rails yelling and screaming at me, calling me names.

I have no idea what part he played in her filing for divorce.

I know what I need to do, doing it is hard as we have a child involved who is hurting badly already that his daddy is not here. It's so hard to make that final break. I don't know why it's hard for me, I'm a strong, intelligent, attractive woman who can support myself. Maybe I'm still in the mourning stage.. I don't know.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Part of him has never progressed past infatuated teen.
> 
> Ah! Oh! I just had a rather unpleasant thought!
> 
> ...


He told me he feels the need to rescue her from herself.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I'm so incredibly sad. I don't know if I could ever trust someone's word ever again. If some guy ever told me he loved me and I was his "dream girl" I fear I would just think he's lying. I have so many wonderful memories from our first few years of marriage. I was so in love and so happy, and he seemed so too. He was crazy about me and I was crazy about him. Then he started to pull away after about 2-3 years.


Part of your recovery is to stay in counseling for as long as you need it. Work through why you are attached to someone who's rejected you, just like he's attached to someone who rejected him. I don't mean to equate the two of you--I suspect instead that he has other issues and drew you in. You loved that persona that he showed you in the beginning.

For example, people with BPD (borderline personality disorder) exhibit these very qualities.

Borderline personality disorder - PubMed Health



> People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
> 
> People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships


Uptown is a member here who has read widely about BPD. From what he's posted elsewhere on the forum, my understanding is that someone with this problem lacks a strong personal identity. So what they do, when they meet you, is mirror you. They lead you to believe that they share your interests and many of your other personal qualities and attributes. They make themselves "fit" so that you are simply enchanted by them.

However, they cannot keep up that charade indefinitely.

Obviously I'm basing this on a mere outline of what you've said about him, and a rather vague understanding of BPD. But it seems to fit your situation, where you were so deceived.

People who stick with someone like this through thick and thin (I mean you now) are like "co-dependents." Co-dependency isn't an official psychological diagnosis, but a good translation of the concept is a "fixer." Broken people are drawn to fixers who want to try to fix them.

Your job now is to understand yourself as much as possible. Why were you drawn to someone like this? Life holds no guarantees, but if through therapy you are brutally honest with yourself, IF there are any lessons to be drawn from your relationship with this man, you will be able to successfully apply them when you next find a good man.





> I know what I need to do, doing it is hard as we have a child involved who is hurting badly already that his daddy is not here. It's so hard to make that final break.


This is absolute heartbreaking, and I am so sorry for it! But this is all on him. He's the one who has done this to your child, not you. He's the one wrecking the family, not you.

If you can stomach being with him and knowing that he is the way he is, for your child's sake I'm not going to tell you not to do that. But you also have to consider the appalling example he's setting for your kid.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Iheart you hit the nail on the head. He has been diagnosed BPD about 7 months ago. His mother is BPD and crazy as a cut snake. Both his parents divorced nastily and remarried really quick to complete fruitcakes. 

Why do I not file? Well I kicked him out and started living my own life. These revelations about his true feelings and motives for the homewrecker have only come to light in the past week.

I feel differently now. No I do NOT want to stay with someone who can't and won't love me the way I deserve and want to be loved. I will not stay with a liar. I will not come in second best to another woman and I will not be made a fool of any longer.

Yes he was the perfect guy in the beginning and then after a few years it all begin to slip. My therapist has said exactly what you've pointed out. I am just so sad. I'm angry and bitter this man took the (literally) best years of my life under false pretences. I'm angry and scared - I have no family here I moved her from New Zealand to marry him. My self-esteem has taking a beating over the past 8 or so years. Fat, lazy, comparing me to this other cow of a woman. You hear it enough you start to believe it. 

The main reason I stayed is I wished for the sweet husband he was to come back. But now I realize it was all an act. MY parents were married 44 yrs before my mom died and they were loyal and honest to each other and they truly loved each other. I had a healthy family life with supportive loving parents and relatives. 

I don't know how I ended up here, I really don't. I feel like a complete fool. I feel so stupid for being sucked in.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I don't know how I ended up here, I really don't. I feel like a complete fool. I feel so stupid for being sucked in.


You were sucked in because you are a loving, trusting person. Those are beautiful qualities to have. Do not lose them because some dupe abused you.

You have a long life ahead. Don't be silly about the "best years." They lie before you, not behind you.

I feel for you, far from your home. Ironically another woman on this form (honeystly) is in Australia, far from her home in the US. Having been dumped by a juvenile husband who decided his high school student would make a good girlfriend. Never mind the toddler and newborn and loving wife at home.

Your pain is very fresh and raw. All of your feelings are totally normal.

Do you think you'll try to return home to NZ?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

No I won't go back to NZ, I've made my life here and anyway, my STBXH won't let me take our child. He'll make sure of that. 13 years away and this is my home now. I don't want to upheave my life any further.

What the hell is it with these people who lie, cheat and deceive? How can they do this to people? How do they sleep at night?

I could not live with myself, personally. I've always been a believer in being truthful, doing right by others and being a moral person. I'm not perfect I just treat people like I would like to be treated.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> No I won't go back to NZ, I've made my life here and anyway, my STBXH won't let me take our child. He'll make sure of that. 13 years away and this is my home now. I don't want to upheave my life any further.
> 
> *What the hell is it with these people who lie, cheat and deceive? How can they do this to people? How do they sleep at night?*
> I could not live with myself, personally. I've always been a believer in being truthful, doing right by others and being a moral person. I'm not perfect I just treat people like I would like to be treated.


These people are extremely selfish and go to any length to suit their own needs. Believe me, in their heads they invent reasons out of thin air to justify their actions and sense of entitlement.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> He told me he feels the need to rescue her from herself.


Brokenbythis.

Wow, this is such a sad story. I am a "fixer"/"rescuer" myself... married my wife to do that (I am faithful, but she has mental issues, suicidal, etc - you can read my very long winded thread).

1) Take consolation in that he is seriously screwed. This woman, or a future one, will ruin him. She already has by breaking-up your marriage & family. In time, she will take everything else from him. If it's not her, he'll find another woman "in need". 

2) For a "fixer", I actually got bored or felt guilty in healthy relationships. We are wired differently - he needs IC, as I do (and am). From what you say about yourself, you are just too solid a person for him. Take that as a compliment, continue to be strong and independent.

I had a highschool gf that was mental, she "got away". For many years (10+) I longed for her, one day I reached out to her - I wasn't married at that time. However, for fixers, it's hard to let go of the tough-luck cases. We carry that flame for a very long time (if not always).

Again, I'd stress that he is ph&cked.  

However, he's likely to fall into a relationship with a highly toxic and unstable woman. Protect your child and be prepared to deal with a crazy gf - she's going to fill his head with a lot of crap.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Funny you should mention this, Rodeo. He told me this past week that "you never need help" referring to I don't need to be rescued. It's like he really needs the nutbags to fix to make himself feel better.

I replied with "I don't need you to take care of me, I need you to care". I really don't need him to fix my problems, I can do that on my own. I do however, need support from my husband. That's all - just knowing he's there for me and being supportive. I rarely got this from him.

ALL of his friends, even the male ones, are screw-ups. They all have volatile personal and professional lives. Every single one of them. The friends I've made over the years, ie: normal people... he seems to get bored if we hang out with them. He visibly prefers to hang with his messed up friends than with normal people. You're right - too boring for him. Not enough drama.

By the way he works in law enforcement. He recuses people every day


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

KISA complex.. it might be there also in addition to the rest but the fact is his need to rescue his damsell in distress wasen't there probably when she dumped him. That was what made him go into his delusional state, her rejection. Maybe the rescuer mentality developed later. Dunno, maybe OW was unstable since they met.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Acabado said:


> KISA complex.. it might be there also in addition to the rest but the fact is his need to rescue his damsell in distress wasen't there probably when she dumped him. That was what made him go into his delusional state, her rejection. Maybe the rescuer mentality developed later. Dunno, maybe OW was unstable since they met.


What is the KISA complex?

She's been a basketcase for the past 25 years. She never dumped him, he told her 20 yrs ago he was in love with her and she told him she didn't feel that way about him but wanted to be "friends". She has been in multiple (disasterous) relationships and a failed marriage since then and now.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

KISA = knight in shining armor

She didn't dump him nut rejected him, friendzoned him. It's basicaly the same. Rejection hurts very deepy as you know. Many internalize it, link it to selfworth.

So he's believing himself to be her KISA since ages.... even worse scenario. He's a man with a - ridiculous - plan since he was young. He won't change it. Ten years down the road it will be reframed but the plan (fighting rejection + saving her) will be there in another ways.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Acabado said:


> KISA = knight in shining armor
> 
> She didn't dump him nut rejected him, friendzoned him. It's basicaly the same. Rejection hurts very deepy as you know. Many internalize it, link it to selfworth.
> 
> So he's believing himself to be her KISA since ages.... even worse scenario. He's a man with a - ridiculous - plan since he was young. He won't change it. Ten years down the road it will be reframed but the plan (fighting rejection + saving her) will be there in another ways.


:iagree::iagree:

Just writing my post before reminded me of that mental gf that got away, and a quick sadness came over me (and it shouldn't, that's ancient history). You see?

He thinks it should have been and it still can be. KISA's (I like that acroynm) have an amazing long timeframe - decades.

For me, I had to burn all the notes and pictures of her. Like a funeral, kinda weird.:scratchhead:


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ok.. here's my update:

Anniversary is this weekend. I've been doing great until today. I don't know what has come over me, I'm so sad, have been crying all day and the old flashbacks of ALL the hurtful things he's done to me to kill our relationship are coming back big time. 

I can't stop crying. I've tried and tried to reach out to him but he has not told me what I want to hear.

What I want him to say is: I want to commit myself to our relationship. If you feel me having female friends is making you feel unsafe in our relationship I'll end those friendships. I want to do whatever it takes to make you trust me again. I want you to love me again.

I have not heard anything of the sort.

Last weekend he told me he still loves me. But he still sees the "friends". I set my boundaries with him and he walks all over them. Or should I say he TESTS them constantly. I know the therapist thinks he's BPD and I know for sure his crazy mother is BPD. BPD's testing boundaries is common I know. It's exhausting, emotionalling draining dealing with this.

I'm just so done with him not respecting what is important to me. He doesn't care about me. Whenever his "girlfriend" has one of her emotional meltdowns he runs to her, calls her constantly and urges her to talk. He doesn't do that with me. He told me a few weeks ago that she "needs" him and that I never need him to rescue me. Yeah! I don't need him to rescue me I just need him to care and be supportive. Which he is not.

How sad today is. It's like I feel I've given him every chance to make it right and now I'm done. I think its finally time to make an appointment to see an attorney next week and file for divorce. 

I can just about guarantee when I have him served I'll be getting phone calls like "can't we talk about this"... why did you do this.. or the one he throws out there all the time "my heart is breaking over this". He tells me how sad he is that he has lost everything, but he has not done a damn thing to stop this process ie: make it right and work on us.

Merry christmas to me!


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hey Broken,

Im sorry he hasn't gotten out of his fog yet. And to be honest, he probably wont for a real long time. My anniversary will be next weekend and i am already dreading it. I'm trying not to look at the calendar or think of anything. 

Someone on TAM told me on one of my threads to watch his actions because his actions speaks louder than words. From what I read, you husband says one thing (ie. I still love you...) but his actions shows the opposite.

I'm not telling you to, but you may need to start the divorce process to shake your husband up. But only do it when you are ready and without emotions. I'm on my last phase of the divorce papers, which he signed, BUT he finally realized that he's got some issues and had been seeing a psychiatrist for a couple of months now. I'm happy that he's getting help for himself, which in the long run will be good for us and the family. I had already decided to move on with or without him. I would LOVE for him to get out of his fog and come back, but I am also ready to be without him too. 

So, whatever you decide, YOU need to do this for yourself. (((HUGS)))


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to be rescued. From him!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm sorry friend, You are doing right, friend. Let him go

DEVELOPING DETACHMENT
By Jake Lawson 

What is detachment?
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving another person "the space" to be herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people.
* Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person, place or thing.
* Developing and maintaining of a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life.
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
* Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be."
* Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.

What are the negative effects not detaching?
If you are unable to detach from people, places or things, then you:
* Will have people, places or things which become over-dependent on you.
* Run the risk of being manipulated to do things for people, at places or with things which you do not really want to do.
* Can become an obsessive "fix it" who needs to fix everything you perceive to be imperfect.
* Run the risk of performing tasks because of the intimidation you experience from people, places or things.
* Will most probably become powerless in the face of the demands of the people, places or things whom you have given the power to control you.
* Will be blind to the reality that the people, places or things which control you are the uncontrollables and unchangeables you need to let go of if you are to become a fully healthy, coping individual.
* Will be easily influenced by the perception of helplessness which these people, places or things project.
* Might become caught up with your idealistic need to make everything perfect for people, places or things important to you even if it means your own life becomes unhealthy.
* Run the risk of becoming out of control of yourself and experience greater low self-esteem as a result.
* Will most probably put off making a decision and following through on it, if you rationally recognize your relationship with a person, place or thing is unhealthy and the only recourse left is to get out of the relationship.
* Will be so driven by guilt and emotional dependence that the sickness in the relationship will worsen.
* Run the risk of losing your autonomy and independence and derive your value or worth solely from the unhealthy relationship you continue in with the unhealthy person, place or thing.

How is detachment a control issue?
Detachment is a control issue because:
* It is a way of de-powering the external "locus of control" issues in your life and a way to strengthen your internal "locus of control."
* If you are not able to detach emotionally or physically from a person, place or thing, then you are either profoundly under its control or it is under your control.
* The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
* If you are not able to detach from another person, place or thing, you might be powerless over this behavior which is beyond your personal control.
* You might be mesmerized, brainwashed or psychically in a trance when you are in the presence of someone from whom you cannot detach.
* You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved.
* You might be an addicted caretaker, fixer or rescuer who cannot let go of a person, place or thing you believe cannot care for itself.
* You might be so manipulated by another's con, "helplessness," overdependency or "hooks" that you cannot leave them to solve their own problems.
* If you do not detach from people, places or things, you could be so busy trying to "control" them that you completely divert your attention from yourself and your own needs.
* By being "selfless" and "centered" on other people, you are really a controller trying to fix them to meet the image of your ideal for them.
* Although you will still have feelings for those persons, places and things from which you have become detached, you will have given them the freedom to become what they will be on their own merit, power, control and responsibility.
* It allows every person, place or thing with which you become involved to feel the sense of personal responsibility to become a unique, independent and autonomous being with no fear of retribution or rebuke if they don't please you by what they become.

What irrational thinking leads to an inability to detach?
* If you should stop being involved, what will they do without you?
* They need you and that is enough to justify your continued involvement.
* What if they commit suicide because of your detachment? You must stay involved to avoid this.
* You would feel so guilty if anything bad should happen to them after you reduced your involvement with them.
* They are absolutely dependent on you at this point and to back off now would be a crime.
* You need them as much as they need you.
* You can't control yourself because everyday you promise yourself "today is the day" you will detach your feelings but you feel driven to them and their needs.
* They have so many problems, they need you.
* Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100 percent all the way or no way at all.
* If you should let go of this relationship too soon, the other might change to be like the fantasy or dream you want them to be.
* How can being detached from them help them? It seems like you should do more to help them.
* Detachment sounds so final. It sounds so distant and non-reachable. You could never allow yourself to have a relationship where there is so much emotional distance between you and others. It seems so unnatural.
* You never want anybody in a relationship to be emotionally detached from you so why would you think it a good thing to do for others?
* The family that plays together stays together. It's all for one and one for all. Never do anything without including the significant others in your life.
* If one hurts in the system, we all hurt. You do not have a good relationship with others unless you share in their pain, hurt, suffering, problems and troubles.
* When they are in "trouble," how can you ignore their "pleas" for help? It seems cruel and inhuman.
* When you see people in trouble, confused and hurting, you must always get involved and try to help them solve the problems.
* When you meet people who are "helpless," you must step in to give them assistance, advice, support and direction.
* You should never question the costs, be they material, emotional or physical, when another is in dire need of help.
* You would rather forgo all the pleasures of this world in order to assist others to be happy and successful.
* You can never "give too much" when it comes to providing emotional support, comforting and care of those whom you love and cherish.
* No matter how badly your loved ones hurt and abuse you, you must always be forgiving and continue to extend your hand in help and support.
* Tough love is a cruel, inhuman and anti-loving philosophy of dealing with the troubled people in our lives and you should instead love them more when they are in trouble since "love" is the answer to all problems.

How to Develop Detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place or thing, you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over" to your Higher Power the persons, places and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need" to fix, change, rescue or heal other persons, places and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick" and "unhealthy" to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal or rescue another person, place or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean" and a "role model" of health in order for another to recognize that there is something "wrong" with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are "sick" behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places and things in your past and current life are "irrational," "unhealthy" and "toxic" influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go" of the need to correct, fix or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

Steps in Developing Detachment
Step 1: It is important to first identify those people, places and things in your life from which you would be best to develop emotional detachment in order to retain your personal, physical, emotional and spiritual health. To do this you need to review the following types of toxic relationships and identify in your journal if any of the people, places or things in your life fit any of the following 20 categories.

Types of Toxic Relationships
* You find it hard to let go of because it is addictive.
* The other is emotionally unavailable to you.
* Coercive, threatening, intimidating to you.
* Punitive or abusive to you.
* Non-productive and non-reinforcing for you.
* Smothering you.
* Other is overly dependent on you.
* You are overly dependent on the other.
* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself.
* Relationship in which you are a chronic fixer, rescuer or enabler.
* Relationship in which your obligation and loyalty won't allow you to let go.
* Other appears helpless, lost and out of control.
* Other is self-destructive or suicidal.
* Other has an addictive disease.
* Relationship in which you are being manipulated and conned.
* When guilt is a major motivating factor preventing your letting go and detaching.
* Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want.
* Relationship in which you and the other are competitive for control.
* Relationship in which there is no forgiveness or forgetting and all past hurts are still brought up to hurt one another.
* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons, places and things you have a toxic relationship with, then you need to take each one individually and work through the following steps.

Step 3: Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Step 4: Identify all of the reasons why you are being hurt and your physical, emotional and spiritual health is being threatened by the relationship.

Step 5: Accept and admit to yourself that the other person, place or thing is "sick," dysfunctional or irrational, and that no matter what you say, do or demand you will not be able to control or change this reality. Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you. All others are the unchangeables in your life. Change your expectations that things will be better than what they really are. Hand these people, places or things over to your Higher Power and let go of the need to change them.

Step 6: Work out reasons why there is no need to feel guilt over letting go and being emotionally detached from this relationship and free yourself from guilt as you let go of the emotional "hooks" in the relationship.

Step 7: Affirm yourself as being a person who "deserves" healthy, wholesome, health-engendering relationships in your life. You are a good person and deserve healthy relationships, at home, work and in the community.

Step 8: Gain support for yourself as you begin to let go of your emotional enmeshment with these relationships.

Step 9: Continue to call upon your Higher Power for the strength to continue to let go and detach.

Step 10: Continue to give no person, place or thing the power to affect or impact your feelings about yourself.

Step 11: Continue to detach and let go and work at self-recovery and self-healing as this poem implies.

"Letting Go"
* To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else.
* To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another.
* To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
* To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
* To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself.
* To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
* To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
* To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
* To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
* To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality.
* To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
* To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
* To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
* To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
* To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
* To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more.

Step 12: If you still have problems detaching, then return to Step 1 and begin all over again


ETA 
Source
livestrong.com


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

So the latest is my anniversary was this past weekend. He didn't contact me or send me anything. Dead silence. Then Sunday night he calls me to see how I am going. I said some choice words to him.

Yesterday our son tells me daddy spent the entire weekend with another new floozy. This one's a good church going woman (sarcasm)... Nice huh.

Another firm nail in the coffin. 

I get home from work on Monday and there's a gift on my front doorstep. Anniversary gift but no card and no wrapping. How romantic. I felt like texting him and telling him to shove his gift up his a** but then I took another look at it and I'm going to keep it use it and never think of him 

Currently researching attorneys. Plan to file 1st week of January so I can take the legal fees tax deduction not have to share it with him. What a messed up man.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> What a messed up man.


Yes, it has nothing to do with you or the marriage, and everything to do with him. I'm sorry he is such a broken person.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

He just sent me a barrage of nasty texts. Called me all sorts of names (nothing new). Seems my son asked him to stop seeing other women and told him it upset him.

So the STBXH takes it out on me. He was livid. I didn't put my son up to anything. Maybe the STBXH is having, god forbid, a GUILT attack. No... he's a pathological liar and cheat. Can't be. Strike that comment.

I reminded him I had done nothing wrong. I was not the one out hitting on women while our son watches and daddy tells him they are JUST FRIENDS.


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