# i'm lost



## isisgirl (Nov 10, 2015)

My husband who ive been in a relationship with for almost 15 years left me. He left me about 10 years ago for about 2 months and now today he has left again....he went home which is about 2000 miles from meand i know the relationship is not good for me but i cant seem to let go even though i probably should...when he left before i tried so hard to get over him and since hes so far away its pretty easy to not have any contact with him but when he contacted me we decided to get back together and started all over...he did change in some positive ways but he continued to be very selfish...using drugs, not ever working a job and letting me support him, and being hard on my son who is now 22 and lives with us...he is not his bio dad....hes been very vocal that he wants it to just be us...my son is not ready yet...well,in the past year i started to withdraw from him because of his anger, lots of rage (verbal)at me and my son and i slowly stopped giving him money to buy his drug (weed) and in the last month i told him no more weed unless he could pay for it on his own... thats when hell started, once that was gone
this morning when i woke up he was gone and he left a note basically saying he was going to stay with his friend and that it was best we separate and that we argue about too much stuff...he wrote he didnt expect me to wait and hoped i understood.....ive gotten counseling in the past, he refused and i asked him to see a doctor for the mood swings and he refused....i feel so empty and scared, i know i should be grateful hes gone but im not....how do i even try to put my life back together when all think about is him...am i wrong for how i feel about my son?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is nothing wrong for the way you feel about my son. If anyone tried to mistreat my son I'd kick them out.

Your son is 22. What does he do? Are you supporting him? Is he working or in school?

I have a 26 year old son who is still at home. The agreement I made with him is that he could stay with me as long as he was either working fulltime and paying bills or he was in college. Right after high school he worked for a 2 years and saved up money. Then he started college. He has two bachelor degrees in physics and applied mathematics and physics. He is now in a graduate program for physics and will be starting a teaching job, next semester I think.

My point? Is your son being productive or is he mooching off you?

About your husband.. I'm sorry to say it, but from here it looks like you are lucky that he left. Apparently he was staying for your money. Do you really want a relationship that is based you supporting a man who wastes your hard earned money on dope?

My suggestion is that you get into some intense counseling to figure out why you have such low self esteem. Seriously, I feel for you. I know you are hurting. And I know that you can get to feeling a lot better if you would get the help you need. We all need help sometimes.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Your H left because you refused to by his weed. This isn't a bad development in your relationship. Why isn't your H working? Why do you feel it acceptable that you support him? Was he contributing anything positive to the relationship (not working, verbal abuse towards you and your son, selfishness). Why is this ok with you?

I completely understand the pain of ending a long term relationship. I ended a 28 yr marriage. If you read your post again, and try to do this from an objective perspective, what would you advise yourself. Should you work to get him back? NO. So stand up and be gentle with yourself. You are going to survive this.


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## isisgirl (Nov 10, 2015)

Thanks for your replies....Elegirl, my son has been in and out of school but hes been working fulltime since he was 19...hes enjoying himself going places and hanging out with friends....so he is productive; i allow this because i was married (1st husband i met when i was 16)by the time i turned 20 so im glad he is enjoying himself and yes it seems he used me for money but i prettty much stopped to just 40 month but then went to zero and i think he couldnt handle it. i plan on getting more counseling
...pluto, i know it sounds horrible why i would put up with this but i love him.....i know it makes no sense, but once i started taking the money away i even told him that....that hed be gone and it came true. There are plenty of good things about him that i loved(very affectionate, liked a lot of things i liked and we used to enjoy each others company)but this addiction was his number one. i think he wants to change on his own terms and he has tried and i know he feels stuck...but finds a way to get it. It hurts extremely bad


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The longer you are away from him, the more your love for him will fade.


The truth is that the human feeling of 'love' for a mate comes from the body's production of a hormone called "oxytocin". When we are bonded to a person, our body produced this chemical every time we are near them, when we have sex, when we touch, even when we hear their voice. So each interaction causes this hormone to be produced.

When the person is not around, the production of the hormone decreases. Over time your body will stop producing it in relation to him. That's when you will feel out-of-love with him. It takes a 6 months to a year for this to happen.

If you get busy, meet new people, etc. you will pass that time in short order.

.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is hard to take love out of the equation, at least to a logical extent. But, you have to really look at a person and recognize that the way they are, they might not be right for the relationship you want.

You have to make yourself take action to detach even though your love drives you to do otherwise. Love is like glue, it wants to bond, and the hard work is letting go and walking away from situations you know that is bad.

Loving him will not change him, nor sacrificing your potential going to help him. Your love and commitment in this case was used against you, and you need to consider how much more pain, how much more sacrifice, will you allow yourself to go through. He is not keeping you stuck, you are.

Love does fade as EleGirl stated. The brain is constantly rewiring itself. We only have enough room to process a certain amount of bonds and constructs.

If you take action, like following the 180 rule, over time, you will have created a new life. By focusing on him, you move on even slower. It is part of our neuro plasticity. The more you focus on yourself, the faster he fades.

Think of it like a language. If you stop using a secondary language like spanish, your ability to speak Spanish fades. Without constant reinforcement, those connections go extinct.


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## isisgirl (Nov 10, 2015)

thanks...i really hope it can get better...its only been since yesterday and i cant stop crying or thinking about him....i dont know how i will manage this for 6 months to a year...*what is this 180 thing*?

Take a look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. The 180 is a way of interacting with your husband that will help you move away from him emotionally. Any time you do talk to him, that's how you interact. Just start pulling away.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry Isisgirl but your H is nothing but a parasite. 
No self respecting man will sponge of his hardworking wife, use her money for drugs and then verbally and emotionally abuse her when he doesn't get the money. 

You are co-dependent on this man, learn about co-dependency and read Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Start to detach from him, that shouldn't be hard as he is not there. Build yourself up, do things you want to do, you do not need his chaos in your life, you will begin to realise after some time that there is peace with you and your son alone.


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## isisgirl (Nov 10, 2015)

thanks, i have read a lot of stuff on codependency and ive pulled away or he pushed me away over the years...when he left me before i was 100 times worse then i am now and i have read so much on relationship problems, made small changes in myself and thats when i saw him get worse...i still miss him terribly but i have hope for myself....ill continue to keep fighting for myself


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