# Just how crucial is the timing?



## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Hello,
I am 1 month separated from my H of almost 20 years. He moved out and seems fine with the new living arrangements. We have been together for 23 years and have 2 teenagers. We have been in marriage therapy for a little over a year. We have had separate bedrooms for 18 months. During that year I tried hard to reconcile but he could never make a commitment. He still cant. He only says that he is working on himself. The marriage was one of those that is like roomates. We didn't argue, we didn't engage in anything outside of sitting in front of the TV. He said in therapy that he fell out of love about 10 years ago. I was floored. I have been clinically depressed for about 7-8 years and was not a good wife during that time, obviously. He is a good guy and I think I am a good person too. We both have lots of separate friends. I have been having an emotional affair for 2 months and he has been having one for about 9 months. My feelings for my H have died and I really don't care too much about his EA anymore. My EA was not in response to his... I ran into an old friend and we unintentionally immediately hit it off. Anyway, someone on another post told me I should end my marriage first b4 I start anything. I agree but sometimes the timing doesn't work that way. Right now I am struggling with what to tell my H. I want to tell him that I want to pursue divorce just to get it out in the open. My counselor says to wait until I have my ducks in a row - finances, credit, job, etc. I haven't worked in 13 years so that is a big fear. In my state you have to be physically separated for 1 year before you can file for D so does it make sense to not say anything to keep the relationship amicable? If I say my intentions it may become a battleground. I really dont want to reconcile because I do not like who I see when I see him. I feel dead with him and he annoys me. It hurt me when he said he no longer loved me. It hurts that he seems "fine" out there in his own place. Im glad he is working on himself but it used to kill me that he couldn't work on us with that much ferver. Now, it is too late for me. I feel I've waited all I am willing to wait. I too am working hard on myself during this separation. 12 step group, weekly counseling, working out, leaning on friends, my slip up is the EA. I own that I wrecked the marriage as much as my husband did. I don't blame him for falling out of love with me. Everything was so gradual and devitalized. 
I'd love any feedback since I just spilled my guts. Overall I feel fine but the day-to-day stuff is really difficult. One day I feel good and the next I am completely in the dumps.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I really don't like that you would stay and prolong this while you get you stuff on order. It's not fair to your husband to support a wife planning on leaving. However, fair probably is a poor choice of words since he checked out years ago. 

Does he want to fix this? Either way you need to telling him ASAP the truth about you wanting to D. 

It's great to read you are working on yourself and are out of a long term depression. It's sad to read a long term marriage die. I am always a can of doing the hard work to repair it if possible. You spent 20 years together and 2 years of hard work if you both actually want isn't that crazy.


----------



## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

My opinion is that you can't really know--despite all that has happened--whether you are done with the relationship or not until you end the EA. But it certainly doesn't sound as though that is your plan. 

So at this point, I agree with your counselor; get your ducks in a row before you bring up the D. It's amazing how quickly your spouse can change as soon as they reallize you're serious; I made the mistake of telling H too early and suffered for it. Thankfully thereafter I was still able to file quickly and beat him to the punch, because there were a lot of vile threats. Since then it's been a rollercoaster.

Good luck to us all.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Lani, that is actually a really great question... My marriage was somewhat similar to yours, except I was on autopilot and hadn't realized it degraded that bad until it was obviously too late. Wife out of the blue says she wants to end marriage... I was like, WTH just happened even though it wasn't healthy I just thought it was the grind of daily life. It was not long until I realized she'd started a PA soon before announcing she'd already checked out.

Timing is really crucial for me to understand all of this - was it an exit affair to end the marriage? Would she have been willing to work towards R is she hadn't have cheated? right after this (like the following weekend) she decided to switch OM and was having a PA with him too/instead, so when did it start exactly? The reason I felt like I needed to understand was to determine if she truly was checked out or just saying that because of all the feelings she was suddenly having for these OM. And also, if OM#2 was after the D word am I still right for considering it cheating??

It is now beyond point of no return, she has no desire to to R, she moved out 3 weeks ago and is already all over the dating scene, plus continuing with not-as-casual-as-at-first affairs with the second OM (possibly the first too). For me the timing has made all the difference as to how I have to rebuild my confidence, my ability to trust, and also how I go forward. There are a million pieces of my life shattered, whereas if she just asked for D before all of this there might have only been 100k.

As for you though, you both are having affairs so you probably both are ready to move on, there may not be near as many shattered fragments to piece back together. As for MC, just be honest, its the best policy. Good luck Lani! I know you will be better at dealing with the ups and downs soon enough...


----------



## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Well, I'm looking at my 4th month of separation. What I'm going through is not quite the same. We have been married 23 years, together for 25. H was the first and only man ever for me. I was a 26 year old virgin in every sense of the word.

Over the years I've had my share of health issues, all physical and short lived. I've been through food poisoning, 2 pregnancies that were very rough in the beginning, a miscarriage, emergency gall bladder removal. The worst was being diagnosed with a benign brain tumor almost 2 yrs ago. It has been successfully removed and I'm still in recovery, physical and occupational therapy. 

I haven't worked outside the home in 10 years. I had been a logistics coordinator for 15 years, H is a truck driver. I gave up my job so that we could start our own trucking business. I see now that the business was to be a major factor in bringing us to where we are today.

For me the timing was about the worst ever. Finances/income are non existent for me. H left in Feb to drive long haul for a company after ours went down the tubes. I haven't seen H since, talk and text, but haven't laid eyes on him since. We have 2 kids, 18 and 23, the oldest is getting married later in the fall. I have no home of my own, no vehicle, no job/income and to date less than $200 sent from H. Sold nearly all our possessions when I had to vacate the house. 

So, from my perspective. timing is crucial. H couldn't look much worse than he does right now. He abandoned his family, left his wife and daughter homeless and penniless. He has an OW in another state. At this time reconciliation is not a consideration.

I have to rebuild everything, from the ground up.


----------



## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

What we do to each other is unbelievable. With all of the pain that I have gone through for the last 4 months I hope to God that I have learned not to inflict such pain on another, not intentionally please let me have empathy and sympathy and not do to this to another human being.

Each of you having EAs is not a good sign at all. They are after all affairs. You both are intimate with others and that's four people in what is supposed to be a 2 person marriage. You need to be honest with each other, it doesn't sound as if either one of you are interested in the other any longer.

Cherokee: my heart goes out to you. You have huge challenges but you will make it through because you are loved, you will love yourself back to health and when you are through this you are going to step back and realize the huge amount of growth you just had. 

Life throws us challenges it is up to us to meet them and grow. (Cheerleaders, please).


----------

