# MC dilema



## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

H and I will be attending first MC Thursday. How much does someone say? If I cut loose with all my issues, there would be war! I am so looking forward to having a mediator who might get him to shut the hell up so I might actually get to speak! I want to be productive! But I'm so frustrated I need hard and fast rules or I'll blow! Any suggestions?
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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

this is your one and only chance to get all of your issues on the table for discussion. it won't happen one night, one week or one month, but you want to be able to get EVERYTHING out. 

You don't want to hear "If that was an issue, why didn't you bring it up in counseling last year???"

A good MC will guide the conversation and make sure the discussion is on topic. You have to be honest with him, the MC and yourself.

And there's nothing wrong with setting your expectation level with the MC from the beginning... what the ground rules are, etc... if you aren't happy with the ground rules, explain why not and get comfortable before you start.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

My husband and I have been in MC for more than a year and IC, if you're not honest, don't waste your time.

This is the time to get out what you've been holding in, of course not all in one session.

Think through what your issues are and address the most pressing to you first. You might just be surprised at what you hear from your husband. I know in our MC, my husband has come up with things he had never told me and that I was not aware of and vice versa.

Unfortunately my husband is a bit closed off emotionally and while he has been open, he holds back some too and WON'T bring up certain issues that I want to address. I've held off on one particular issue, but will be letting the cat out of the bag in our next session.

What also might help is to set ground rules with your husband prior to the MC. My husband I have agreed that anything said in anger or anything hurtful will be addressed in MC and left there (in other words, we don't carry the animosity about what we discussed home). We still work on it, but we don't rehash our session at home and keep the "war" going. The "war" stays in the MC office.

That helps to give me the freedom to say what I want to say without repruccusions that it's going to result in WWIII when we get home.

Good luck, but be prepared to hear things you've never heard before and some might be hurtful, but at least you'll actually know what's going on in his head. Be careful not to say "you never told me that before" as it might cause him to shut down in MC and you want him to feel safe to discuss and say anthing without fear of a negative reaction and further b****ing when he gets home.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Try to focus in on what you hope to get out of this first session.
That may not mean laying out ALL the issues up front.
Also try not to get all emotional if you can.
You and your H will get further, and the MC can help you more, if you keep your head cool and stay rational.
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