# How do I get what I want?



## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

I've been married to my husband for 15 years and have 2 beautiful children. We have always disagreed over responsibilities though...I've been in charge of tending to the kids and maintaining the house all while he's only been responsible for going to work....kicker is that I work too, full time, just don't make as much!

Forever I've been resentful if this. He never helps cooking, cleaning or just doing anything to give me a break. Because of that I get bitter and therefore don't do anything to make him feel special...in the bedroom. It's a viscous cycle we've talked about a thousand times...if I were more sensual he'd be more attentive to my needs around the house trying to please me....if he were more helpful I'd be more gitty and ready to make him feel needed physically in the bedroom.

We both knows what the other needs but yet are stuck in this rut. I've tried to be seductive..even .made a video for him a few years back...that kind of thing, but nothing in return to make me happy....

Now he's talking about how unhappy he is that there's no passion between us....I agree but it's hard to have passion when you feel like the one you love takes you for granted. If only he showed that he cared I know I'd have the desire to pursue him physically...problem is if we stay in this rut I know he'll eventually cheat to get his needs met....to feel desired and passion from someone. It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place just don't know how to get what I want.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Find a marriage counselor, set up an appointment, and tell him its time and say 'I need you to go. If you don't, my next appointment will be to see a divorce lawyer to see what my options are.'

You won't likely get this resolved without such drastic steps. BTDT. After 30 years, the ONLY time he ever finally listened to me about the same issues was when I finally said "I'm done, I can't take it any more, and I'll be leaving soon."


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Other than in the bedroom, he's got things good, and has no real incentive to change.

One option is MC. Sometimes it even works!

Another option is to tell him that you've asked him many times for help, and this time you mean it. If he wants passion in the bedroom, he needs to develop some passion for helping. Tell him you're going to stop doing things that benefit him - cooking, laundry, etc., and only do them for yourself and the kids. He can start doing those things for himself, and if he wants to fix things between you, he can start doing some of them for you and the kids, too, and be more involved in othe family activities.

This will either cause some changes, or escalate the dysfunction, so you'll have to decide if that's worth the risk, and commit to handling it if you think it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One thing I did, after my IC told me to tell him that I needed him to pick even just ONE chore to take off my shoulders - and he refused! - is I thought about what I could stop doing that would affect me the least. Guess what it was? His laundry.

I stopped doing his laundry and after about a month of him wearing every single thing he owned and finally having nothing clean to wear, he - of course - blew up at me. I just stood there calmly, shrugged my shoulders, and said "I ASKED you to help me by taking some burden off my shoulders and you refused. So I had to protect myself since you wouldn't do it, and pick something that I could give up doing. Your laundry won." And I just walked away.

A couple hours later, I saw him fixing something in the house that had needed fixing for years. Later I saw him doing something else. So I did one load of laundry for him. 

The next day, he did something else. So I did another load of laundry for him. And so it went. He is MUCH better now, and I could get more out of him if I go to the trouble of asking for it now. 

We've never spoken of that day again. But he knows better now. I will not be disrespected.

The power is in your hands, 2hearts. You just have to take it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I never understood this, but it is all too common. Statistics show that women do most of the housework, even when they are also working. Personally I have been a homemaker and homeschool teacher for many years. This is a busy job. My work literally never ends. Now I have also started a website and my time is even further stretched. My husband works full time and supports the family. I find it ridiculous why I should work from the time I get up in the morning until I go to bed to do what my husband and I have agreed is in the best interests of the family, if he is sitting around relaxing when he is off work. It doesn't sit well with me.
I admit my husband doesn't do a lot around the house, but that's because the kids are older and I expect them to do most of the cleaning, as part of their instruction on how to manage their lives. However, my husband does all of his own laundry. He does some cooking and some kitchen clean up. He is also very involved with the kids, who are 14-20 now. Our 20 year old isn't driving yet. She is saving for a car. My husband drives her all over the place. So he does his part. Last night he made bacon wrapped oysters with asparagus and a vegetable/rice dish for dinner. He's a really good cook. My daughter's boyfriend was here, while our daughter was working, he and my middle daughter cleaned the kitchen spotless.
I tell you all this, because it would not be this way unless I insisted that I am not the teacher, counselor, cook, and maid. I do most of the cooking, I'm the teacher and the counselor, but I am not the maid.
You can do something about this. I wrote an article that might help you. How to Get Your Husband to Treat You Better | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

I've tried the approach of letting things go to crap to make my point but time and time again I give in because I'm such an orderly person that its painful to live in chaos. For years my husband said "when you make more than me ill be glad to help out and you can carry the burden of being he main breadwinner" I know this is obnoxious and believe me I question why I put up with him....except that I love him...

Well by this summer I should be making more than him. I'm headed for a substantial promotion and he on the other hand is loosing work being self employed during this economic crisis. So now when I can really hold him to his word, I feel compelled to be sympathetic that his business is going to crap and he's struggling with depression over it. So there in lies the question....do I shut up, keep doing, and wait for his business to pick back up...or do I stand my ground and force him to pull half of this weight? I know right now it's a waste of time trying to express my feelings because he's tuned me out... I'm thinking maybe this is bigger than I can handle...maybe counseling is the only hope


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not his mother.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

True! The one he has was abusive so maybe that's part of the problem...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, the problem is you. Sorry, but it's true. He can be as big of a jerk as he wants to be, he can ignore his family, he can take you for granted...but YOU are the one accepting it. 

Not trying to dis you, just to point out what my IC has told me for years and years (finally sinking in) - HE is not the problem because YOU have the power to effect changes if you're not happy. As long as you stay in the status quo, the fault lies on you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You cannot force him to do anything. Letting the house work go is not going to help. I know of someone who did that and she literally ended up with maggots growing in her kitchen. One day she finally couldn't stand it anymore, so she cleaned the kitchen. At the bottom of the piles of dirty dishes were maggots. Not kidding. They were both working full time. They had no children. She was making more than him. He blamed it on her being a poor housekeeper.
If talking to him hasn't worked so far, it's not going to work if you try again. Doing the same thing over and over brings the same result.
Did you read the article I linked to? It's not about letting things that matter to you go to pot. It is about not rewarding his inconsiderate behavior. It's also not about punishing him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CynthiaDe said:


> You cannot force him to do anything. Letting the house work go is not going to help. I know of someone who did that and she literally ended up with maggots growing in her kitchen.


Which is why I suggest starting with no longer doing his laundry. No skin off YOUR nose if his clothes are dirty, but it's that much less work every day YOU have to do.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This doesn't solve the root of the problem, but have you considered hiring a housekeeper and a lawn service? And if he doesn't like having to squeeze that out of the budget simply tell him it's that or I leave because I can't work AND do all of this at home... it's not about how much you make but how much TIME it takes up. Have you made a list of all that you do in a day and all HE does in a day? Very uneven lists, I imagine...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, the OTHER thing my IC told me to do about my husband not helping around the house is to HIRE SOMEONE. You obviously make enough money, so just hire out the laundry, hire out the vacuuming, whatever, and take it from his paycheck. My IC even gave me the phone number for a repairman to get the stuff done my H wouldn't do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

For house cleaning, you can hire a high school or college student to clean for $10-15 per hour. If you hire mom with kids in school, it will probably cost you $20 per hour. There are probably kids in your neighborhood who would love to do yard work for you. Many kids do a terrific job and they do it at a reasonable price.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

turnera said:


> Find a marriage counselor, set up an appointment, and tell him its time and say 'I need you to go. If you don't, my next appointment will be to see a divorce lawyer to see what my options are.'
> 
> You won't likely get this resolved without such drastic steps. BTDT. After 30 years, the ONLY time he ever finally listened to me about the same issues was when I finally said "I'm done, I can't take it any more, and I'll be leaving soon."


:iagree:

The time is long overdue for your H to stop shirking his responsibilities in the home. It doesn't matter how much both of you earn... There are only so many hours in the day, you're both working and you both have the right to some relaxation - not just him.

MC, OP. This is your best option right now.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

turnera said:


> One thing I did, after my IC told me to tell him that I needed him to pick even just ONE chore to take off my shoulders - and he refused! - is I thought about what I could stop doing that would affect me the least. Guess what it was? His laundry.
> 
> I stopped doing his laundry and after about a month of him wearing every single thing he owned and finally having nothing clean to wear, he - of course - blew up at me. I just stood there calmly, shrugged my shoulders, and said "I ASKED you to help me by taking some burden off my shoulders and you refused. So I had to protect myself since you wouldn't do it, and pick something that I could give up doing. Your laundry won." And I just walked away.
> 
> ...


Very early in our marriage, I did something similar. It was not that it was too much of a burden at that time. But I was far and away the greater wage earner, a real professional stressful job. He had a Mon-Fri hourly wage job. And I did EVERYTHING. Part of it was that his Mom had done everything. He really did not see. He needed to be woken up.

I told him I was not doing any chores for him. If it is in my way, I will stuff it in his closet, NOT clean it up. I was not out to be a jerk. If I was cooking anyway, I would cook for him. But I was not cleaning or laundering anything of his. He nodded as if he "got it" but totally didn't. I took the laundry baskets down to the laundry. And threw his laundry in a different basket until it was overflowing onto the floor. When he left stuff on the couch where I wanted to sit, I threw it in his closet. 

He was FURIOUS, accused me of treating him like a child. Well if the shoe fits. At the same time, I had taken him off our join accounts and put him on an allowance so I could pay off all our bills including his giant credit card bills. As you can imagine, it was a bad time. 

But for me it was make or break. I was NOT raising kids with someone who was a kid himself. He either grew up or I was outta there. Luckily it did not take long for him to really realize how his behavior was contributing to both the resentment and the financial woe. Now he is as helpful and collaborative as can be.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My husband's mom was living with him when I moved in, stayed there 3 or 4 more years. The die was cast. When she moved out, the house fell apart and I quickly realized she had been babying him, following around behind him, the whole time picking up behind him. I wish I'd known enough back then to do what I finally did. 

It's not too late for you, though. Respect yourself and teach him to respect you.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

To be fair is there an actual list of who does what around the house and with what other home ownership responsibilities there are?

Reason being my wife and I went around on the same subject a number of time because in her eyes I didn't do crap around the house. 

Interesting thing was once my list of normal daily and monthly duties plus money saving personal work that I never make a mention of let alone fuss or brag about how hard I worked to get it done was put out where she could see it's value she backed off. 

Heck I even offered her a full trade of her duties for mine which amazingly enough not one single thing of mine got traded for any of hers. 

Sure she is the cook and the maid but......... I'm the groundskeeper, gardener, mechanic, custodian, carpenter, shoufer, heating and cooling systems tech, boiler operator, electrician, heavy equipment operator, pest control tech, arborist, animal specialist, engineer, home electronics technician, and computer tech plus I pay half the bills while making 3x less than she does in an average month at her cushy 40 hour a week CAD job..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But do you spend 20+ hours a week doing it?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> But do you spend 20+ hours a week doing it?


Neither does she (5 - 8 at best) but my work requires more effort and skill in comparison and that's what she see's as the #1 reason not to switch.  

Believe me if she thought what I did was easier than what she does I would be cooking and doing laundry!


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

2hearts I relate to pretty much everything you're going through, except I never had kids. I went down that same slide and did not want to have sex with him either, one of the few things I actually did have control over with him, and I just didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't respect - which I had lost a lot for him with time.

He's a man-child and sees no reason why he needs to change. You will never-ever win this without MC. Make an appointment and tell him he needs to go because your marriage is in crisis and you want help. If he refuses to go, go by yourself and get IC so you can deal with your own self. You may have co-dependency issues you have to overcome (I know I did!).

I made more than my XH, and he still expected me to cook/clean/pay bills/make appointments/lavish him with affection/have sex etc etc. Oh...and run his business...that too. I think the first year or two of us being together did he ever buy me any sort of gifts or take me out to a romantic evening...or shoot how about a hotel room?? After year two he stopped. He just wanted to work and come home and be served food. 

What one or the other brings financially has nothing to do with the marriage and how he treats you. Even so, when you DO make more and throw that back at him he'll just scoff at you and come up with another reason why he shouldn't help. 

You can beg, cry, yell, ask, negotiate, seduce (which they will happily accept then just forget later), ignore, scream, threaten, and everything else. Doesn't make a difference. If you're like I was, you're in a fog that you can't see out of, and it seems like you'll never win. Get into MC or IC.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As my IC has told me repeatedly, it is in MY power to no longer be stuck waiting on him.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Thank you struggle! I do feel like I'm in a fog. If a girlfriend told me her husband behaved this way I tell her she was a fool but yet I don't take my own advise. I want so desperately for him to want to make things easier for me....I believe I'm very thoughtful of him....I make sure his every need is met with the exception of being his freak behind closed doors- why wouldn't he want for me to feel appreciated? He once told me I put too much emphasis on the thins that don't matter...cooking, cleaning etc. that my focus should be on keeping the romance alive between us- but like you said the desire isn't there when I feel like I'm responsible for everything! I loose the respect I had for him as a partner. I wonder am I codependent? If so...how did I get this way?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

2hearts said:


> I make sure his every need is met with the exception of being his freak behind closed doors- why wouldn't he want for me to feel appreciated?


BECAUSE you meet his every need. And because you're a woman and he's a man and, unfortunately, we're not that far evolved from 1900 when women had no rights, no vote, no ownership, and whose soul duty was to make their man happy while he got to live the 'good life' and go out and enjoy cigar clubs and golf courses and all the rest.

No matter how much things have changed from the 1960s, men still believe (whether they admit it or even know it or not) that women are supposed to do the housekeeping and men are supposed to work hard and play hard.

And, more unfortunately, women aren't evolved enough to realize they have a voice and CAN state their needs without being considered a b*tch.

Have you read Codependent No More yet? That's a good place to start.

And please, before you guys start throwing tomatoes, I am NOT saying a man is an ******* for being this way. I'm saying it's built into us and it'll be a few hundred years before such beliefs are no longer our subconscious norms.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

2hearts said:


> The desire isn't there when I feel like I'm responsible for everything! I loose the respect I had for him as a partner. I wonder am I codependent? If so...how did I get this way?


These questions are answered in the article I linked to. How to Get Your Husband to Treat You Better | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World 
What is comes down to is that you are enabling him. I wrote the article to explain what is happening in these kinds of situations, so women can see more clearly what is happening and put an end to it.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

2hearts said:


> Thank you struggle! I do feel like I'm in a fog. If a girlfriend told me her husband behaved this way I tell her she was a fool but yet I don't take my own advise. I want so desperately for him to want to make things easier for me....I believe I'm very thoughtful of him....I make sure his every need is met with the exception of being his freak behind closed doors- why wouldn't he want for me to feel appreciated? He once told me I put too much emphasis on the thins that don't matter...cooking, cleaning etc. that my focus should be on keeping the romance alive between us- but like you said the desire isn't there when I feel like I'm responsible for everything! I loose the respect I had for him as a partner. I wonder am I codependent? If so...how did I get this way?


He needs to respect the things that make you feel appreciated and loved. It seems like you're DOING things for him because you're showing him you love him in your way, and want reciprocation. Because for you, when someone DOES something for you it makes you feel loved and appreciated. Unfortunately, he's not speaking your language. Which is where MC comes in, because when things get to this point you can tell him and tell him, and he won't understand what you're saying. But you bring in a third party, and they tell him, sometimes it can make the lightbulb go off. If he's a willing participant, that is.

He's focusing on your sex-life, like my XH did, because that's the easiest and most obvious thing to pick at. The sex is a symptom of deeper problems in your marriage. It's not like you DON'T want to have sex, you do, but the desire has dissipated because your are in emotional turmoil right now. Women require emotional connection, love, respect and desire. Without that it's a chore, or the at the very least the last thing on our minds. The more they make you feel guilty about it the less it helps the libido. And it doesn't sound like he's the type to woo you back into a foggy lust......So...less focus on sex at this point and more focus on counseling and communication.

Start reading about co-dependency, there are books out there that helped me define WHAT exactly is co-dependence, and what parts of the behavior related to me. "Who's pulling your strings" by harriet braiker was a good read. Also do some reading on manipulators and passive-aggressive behavior and see if any of that relates to your situation. Because I'm guessing it does. 

I have issues with abandonment, I was always afraid of him leaving. I never wanted to cross that "line" to where I actually made the ultimatum and would actually have to leave because he didn't respect it. They soon learn that you are bluffing, and do whatever they want. I'm also a people-pleaser mostly with the people I love. I like reciprocation. I also am one who tries to do the "right thing", even if it's not necessarily the right thing for me. I had a hard time standing up for myself, and when I finally would, I'd feel guilty afterwards (with his help, of course). Those are mine, but there are many things that make you co-dependent.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Oh, and another thought. I also understand where you are when you feel like you've done everything and he's still doing nothing. You're both looking at each other like...YOU do something. So why should you all of a sudden be a freak in the bedroom, when you just turn around and go back to the same old thing. It's not like if you start giving him the 'ole upside-down-gymnastics-mambo he's going to start helping more with the laundry. It's a catch 22 really. 

Not saying you can't try to be better in the bedroom, but I don't think there will be much change without MC, and you deciding what it is you want and what you will put up with.

Unfortunately for me, it took my XH to actually decide that he would definitely NOT put up with not having sex as often as he wanted, or someone that wasn't taking care of him the way he thought he "deserved" to be taken care of, to break the cycle (he apparently wanted a mom he could have lots of sex with). We should have been in counseling years ago before it got to where it did. He's a terd...or as someone so deliciously put it with their British accent...a wanker....and counseling probably wouldn't have fixed that, but it may have helped set my mind right sooner.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Does your H get angry when you don't do the things he expects you to do? Is he passive aggressive? Mean? Or have you just never tried NOT doing it all?


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

It's sounds like I'm living your past relationship. You know exactly what I'm going through and am sure you can appreciate how frustrated I am that sex is all that matters! I feel certain too that my husband is in the midst of a mid life crisis- he's currently taking testosterone shots, asks me constantly about his appearance...and flirts with any woman he may come in contact with. He recently bought a motorcycle and is searching for the perfect tattoo...he's well built and walks around flexed all the time. He has all these needs and yet does nothing to make this marriage better. I really do believe he wants a mommy that he can have crazy sex with all the time....

maybe I do have issues with abandonment- sometimes I feel so strong and we are argue and I say fine I'm done! Then for days I'm sick with fear that its really over. I question why I'm so afraid of D - he doesn't satisfy me emotionally, mentally and only physically if its in bed. Financially he doesn't anymore and quite frankly he's a jerk to be around...negative about everything land barking at everyone and everything all the time.

I truly wish I had the confidence and know how to bring out the person that I fell in love with- I do think I enable him....during arguments he says horrible things and yet I move on in a few days like nothing ever happened....we do need MC I just hope he will agree to go


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If he has time to do all that, he has time to do housework. 2h, honestly, this is all on YOU. He does it because you allow it. You say "I hope he will agree" - ABSOLUTELY the WRONG ATTITUDE for you to take.

Until you find the balls to say 'I'm getting nothing from this marriage and if you don't turn it around I'm leaving'...nothing is going to change. Go to the library if you don't believe me. You'll find dozens upon dozens of books about just this - the wife thinks she can nice her husband into paying attention; she thinks she can nag him into paying attention; she thinks she can cry him into paying attention.

NONE OF IT WORKS.

The ONLY thing men understand when it comes to meeting women's needs is knowing that YOU WILL LEAVE HIM if he doesn't. Please believe me. It's how men and women are wired.

If you think you don't have the confidence then skip the MC and go straight to IC and GET that confidence.

I spent years and years and years trying to get my H to go to MC and only when I said I was done, leaving, did he agree to go.

But guess what? It did no good! Because he didn't WANT to go, he only did it as a 'step' to keep me from leaving. Months and months of therapy and NOT ONE BIT of change from him. 

Finally, in frustration, I chewed our MC out (also my IC), during yet another session he 'couldn't make.' I said "Why can't you focus on HIM? Why can't you hold him accountable? Why can't you tell him to DO something?" She said, "Turnera, you know that doesn't work. You can't MAKE him do something he doesn't want and doesn't believe in (he thinks he is always right). The power is in YOU, Turnera, not him. YOU have the power to finally get off the ride and stop participating when he treats you badly. You had the power all along. You don't like him doing A, B, or C? Then don't participate. It's never going to change if you keep waiting on HIM to change. It has to be YOU changing."


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> This doesn't solve the root of the problem, but have you considered hiring a housekeeper and a lawn service? And if he doesn't like having to squeeze that out of the budget simply tell him it's that or I leave because I can't work AND do all of this at home... it's not about how much you make but how much TIME it takes up.


:iagree:

THIS. *Why don't people want to hire anyone anymore??* In my parents day, it was very common to hire a maid, but no one wants to do that anymore, even if they have the money. But it would be especially helpful now in this economy where unemployment is the highest ever.

Hiring a housekeeper to come in 2-3 days a week doesn't cost as much as you think, and it will make a HUGE difference. If you are both working full time you should be easily able to afford it. 

I have a feeling that your husband has become used to his mother then his wife taking care of him. Well, tell him that you work full time, so you want someone to take care of you too!


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

2hearts said:


> It's sounds like I'm living your past relationship. You know exactly what I'm going through and am sure you can appreciate how frustrated I am that sex is all that matters! I feel certain too that my husband is in the midst of a mid life crisis- he's currently taking testosterone shots, asks me constantly about his appearance...and flirts with any woman he may come in contact with. He recently bought a motorcycle and is searching for the perfect tattoo...he's well built and walks around flexed all the time. He has all these needs and yet does nothing to make this marriage better. I really do believe he wants a mommy that he can have crazy sex with all the time....
> 
> maybe I do have issues with abandonment- sometimes I feel so strong and we are argue and I say fine I'm done! Then for days I'm sick with fear that its really over. I question why I'm so afraid of D - he doesn't satisfy me emotionally, mentally and only physically if its in bed. Financially he doesn't anymore and quite frankly he's a jerk to be around...negative about everything land barking at everyone and everything all the time.
> 
> I truly wish I had the confidence and know how to bring out the person that I fell in love with- I do think I enable him....during arguments he says horrible things and yet I move on in a few days like nothing ever happened....we do need MC I just hope he will agree to go


I would do the same thing with 'like nothing ever happened'. I didn't like to be angry, and I wanted to live in peace. After a blowup I was eager just to make up and move on. It is just enabling him. 

My XH was also very well built. He married me a curvy size 8, I've never been smaller than a 4. A couple years in, he would slowly break me down, unknowingly or not, little by little with PA side-comments and grabbing my fat in certain areas. Never talking about how much he liked me the way I was, or how beautiful I was. The most I ever got from him is that he loves me anyway, but it would be nice...... He DID like to talk about himself. And how his chest looked, how flat his stomach was, how his arms were getting bigger when he'd start working out again etc etc. He also would tell me how much he admired older woman who stayed 'classy and fit' with a flat stomach....eluding to the fact that he would like me to be that way. It was irritating to me, more than motivating. By the end I was almost a size 12. He wanted me to cook more, I cooked less. He wanted to have more sex, I gave him less. I was constantly moving in the opposite direction that he wanted, because I wasn't happy and we couldn't communicate. Flirting with other women is just wrong, I don't forgive that...at all. Look up narcissistic behavior and see if your H has some of the traits.

I DO think the suggestion above about hiring someone to help clean is a great one. That is one thing I wish I would've thought of when I felt like I was buried, and H was not helping at all. You both are working and make an income....research and see how much it would be. If it takes work off your plate, and makes your marriage better, he should have NO reason to say no. If he doesn't want to spend the money - then he needs to help you so you don't.
My XH would've given me a hard time, and not wanted to spend the money. But the NEW me, would tell him too bad, I'm doing it to make my life easier since you don't want to help me this is my next best solution. And just do it, and not CARE that he's scoffing at me. It's about drawing the line, standing up for yourself, and doing what's right for you and ultimately the marriage. So look into that, for sure.

Unfortunately you're going to have to conquer your co-dependency to have a chance, because one of three things could happen at this point: 1. Your H will decide that he's not happy anymore, and you're not doing your 'duties' to his satisfaction, so he will tell you that he wants to separate (more than likely in hopes to teach you a lesson and so you come running back and does what he says, which is what mine wanted) 2. Your H will find a POSOW, and drop you once he knows his other option is secure 3. YOU will become so emotionally done with the whole situation, YOU will find emotional solace somewhere else, potentially leading to physical. Because it cannot be like this forever.

The first two, you won't have a choice BUT to be abandoned. And once you step out, you realize that you CAN make it on your own. You may not WANT to, but you will be OK. When you're out here like I am, you realize there was nothing to be afraid of....and you cannot control your H and his actions/reactions...but you can control yourself. How he handles things are NOT in your control, and you will have to be ready to do whats best for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"I'm going to hire a cleaning service to come once a week."

That's all you have to say.


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## 2hearts (Mar 7, 2014)

Thanks for the great advise! It's crazy to me o similar our relationships are. I'm going to look into a cleaning service and see what e says when someone shows up. I'm thinking there is a side of him that is very concerned about how he'd manage if I left...I think too though he doesn't believe I'd ever do it...I have no desire to cheat on him but I'm thinking too maybe if I ado his flirtatious behavior, hire a cleaning service and start worrying about me a little more than them....maybe he will wake up and understand that something must change!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're still all about trying to get him to want to change.

Ain't gonna happen.

What you SHOULD be doing is just changing YOUR side of the street. So YOU can live a life you enjoy and not do 95% of all the housework. YOU go out and meet up with your friends and leave him alone to fix his own dinner. YOU hire the maid and who cares what he thinks. YOU stop doing his laundry.

Stop focusing on him.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

I would be careful about the hiring someone to do your housework and related stuff for you and then trying to give him the bill for it.

It may just backfire and he will hire out all the things he does and send you the bills for them. 

Believe me if my wife pulled that on me to get out of her 3 - 4 hours of work she does a week to keep things up to her expectations I would not hesitate to have every vehicle and yard machine we have in the shop the next week all fixed to 100% like new at her expense.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Having more sex fixes nothing in regards to a husband not meeting his wife's needs, in not meeting his responsibilities around the house. He'll be happy he's getting more sex, he'll complain less, and continue doing nothing. 

1. I don't think sex should be used as a tool to punish or reward, but I understand it's hard to want to have sex with someone you feel extremely resentful of.

2. Duties should be separated by hours worked, not by how much is earned. This won't matter though if you are going to be earning more soon, he'll change his tune on that as soon as it's not working for him. Ideally, I think people should separate the tasks evenly based on the time they take. So in total, each couple might work 40hrs a week plus 10hrs of household tasks per week each.

3. I agree that you should think about hiring a housekeeper. Costs should be shared though. You cannot work full time, look after kids and do everything else. You'll miss out on everything that's important in life and carry around a heart full of resentment every day. It's worth the money to feel happier in your life.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm sure it would be a shared expense...they do BOTH work full-time


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Trying to force someone into something never makes a relationship healthier. I would not recommend billing a spouse for anything. However, I would hire someone. If the expenses in the family are shared already, then it would come out of the joint account in the same way as any other expense. If they are not, then I would ask for assistance in paying for it.
there are two key elements here:
1. Housekeeping doesn't automatically belong to the woman.
2. When the man does housework it's not helping - he is doing his part.
Helping implies that the job belongs to someone else and he is doing her a favor. That is not the case. He lives there too. It is everyone's job to keep the house in good order.
I do no consider my husband to be helping when he cleans up after himself or supervises the children in cleaning up a mess. He is doing his part, just as I am when I am doing housekeeping duties.
In my family, I am responsible for most of the housekeeping duties, because I am a sahm. Two of my kids are home all day, as I am a homeschool teacher, so I'm working all day at that. Plus I have a website that takes a lot of my time.
I delegate as much as possible to the children, because they need to be able to care for themselves when they move out. They need to be know how to clean everything, how to cook, etc. They do not think they are helping anyone. They know that are valuable members of the household and they are doing their part to live in a clean environment.
When we give someone the impression that they are helping, it comes across as a favor. When we ask someone to do their part, it comes across as an expectation.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> :iagree:
> 
> THIS. *Why don't people want to hire anyone anymore??* In my parents day, it was very common to hire a maid, but no one wants to do that anymore, even if they have the money. But it would be especially helpful now in this economy where unemployment is the highest ever.
> 
> ...


For the first time ever, I'm going to agree with Theseus here.

I hired a cleaning crew to come twice a month and it was a miracle at my house. It relieved a lot of stress, saved me a ton of time. The cleaning crew could clean my entire house in 2 hours, it took me 2 days to clean my own house (and they did a much better job). You can also hire someone to come into your house to wash, fold, and iron your laundry.


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