# Do I reconcile or walk away - advice please?



## Flutterbuy

Hi,

I'm new on here but have been reading posts for a week or so now. I am at a point where I don't know what to do and whether my feelings are real or imaginary. So here's my story, I think writing it all down might be quite therapeutic so apologies if it's a bit long.  Also, don't quite get all the shortcuts, so I won't use them.

I met my husband on a dating website 9 years ago, and we married just over a year later. The beginning of our marriage was not easy. His ex, and mother of his only son, caused trouble from the outset. Eventually the only way was to cut all ties with both her and his son for a while, following many hours with solicitors and the cost this involves. My husband has had health problems since before I met him, meaning he has not been able to work and I have been the only breadwinner in the relationship.

Then out of the blue 3 years ago an email from the ex arrives, saying son has to come and live with us or go into care. The son is 12 years old by now and we haven't seen him for 5 years although, hubby has had contact on the telephone. A week later the son came to live with us. The next year was very difficult as his son has ADHD and had never been treated. We worked really hard as a family to learn to live with each other and build the relationships. During this time we managed to get his son treated and stabilised. 

The problem then was that we spent so much time concentrating on his son's problems that I think we forget about our own relationship. Drifting apart emotionally and physically, but as far as I was concerned we still had a marriage worth saving. We just needed to shift the focus, but despite trying to talk to him about it the discussions were a one way street.

Then last summer I became aware that he was talking to a woman on Skype. He told me that she was a friend of a friend that he was helping out with some personal problems. He spent many hours talking to her rather than communicating with me, but at the time I had on my blinkers and didn't see what was developing.

Then the bombshell dropped and he told me that he wanted to separate. Trying to convince me that it was nothing to do with this woman, although he had fallen in love with her. After a few days I asked him if he was sure that this was what he wanted because I was still prepared to work at our marriage - it was not something I entered into lightly. I gave him a few days to think about it and he said he wanted to work at the marriage and would cut ties with this woman.

Like a fool I believed him and everything was fine for about a week. We talked lots about our problems and why we had ended up in this situation. Then I walked into the office and he did the usual trick off quickly closing the screen down. I didn't say anything there and then but tackled him about it the next day and he admitted that he had been talking to her again. I gave him an ultimatum me or her, decide over the next 2 days. The very next day he told me he had chosen her.

At which point I threw him out of the bedroom (hadn't done it before because we didn't want his son to know what was going on until the final decision was made) and told him to go and tell his son. I moved out of the house as soon as possible. That was a year ago. He moved her in almost straight away, but that didn't last and she moved out in February of this year. 

Throughout this time we have remained friends, in fact I would say he is still one of my best friends. That is where the confusion comes in. He has been telling me since before she moved out that he loves me, sees his mistake and regrets everything. 

I have told him repeatedly that I don't love him in that way any more and only want to be friends. Which I thought was true but the last couple of weeks I have been wondering if my feelings are actually changing again. I don't know whether I am in love with him or if I just love him as a friend. 

I have tried only communicating with him about his son, who I still have regular contact with and share 'responsibility' for. I have even had a short term relationship of my own, which he knows about. The problem is that I miss him when we only communicate about his son. Things happen and I want to share them with him, but is that because I miss the companionship or him. I really don't know.

So I have been thinking about suggesting a reconciliation, but taking things very slowly. Maybe, going on some dates and see how things go. 

I really need some impartial advice, not from my friends and family who all think I should have nothing more to do with him.

Thanks in anticipation and sorry for the length of this post.


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## hotdogs

All I have to say is, I am very sorry that your self esteem has reached this low that you are tricking yourself into loving him again. 

He is a toxic mess. Your friends and family are correct.


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## the guy

Don't be second choice, don't be his fall back plan, girl you need to let this dude go and stop being friends, that how they suck you back in. So distance your self and move on.

You did more then enough and he had his chance " you or OW" he choose OW, its his bad it didn't work out not yours.


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## the guy

Of course I could be wrong and he could bring so much more into your life, like a screwed up kid and a finacial hardship. It sound like he has alot to offer!

Was the sex that good?


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## cpacan

I know it is so easy to take a stand on this and say "Don't", when we actually not have to live your life our selves 

I think you handled the situation very good. Confronted and made him choose, then followed through with the consequences. The only thing I think you "forgot" was to detach yourself completely from him.

I think your mind is trying to convince you to seek the comfort of the known. Just consider that you will maybe live the rest of your life knowing you are second choice, and that you might be replaced as soon as he finds a new online fling. And he on his side will know, that it has zero cost to try new relationships out, because he can always come back to you.

I won't advice you to one or the other, but just say; think carefully about this. Good luck whatever your choice may be.


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