# Proposal/question how to handle cheating spouses



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have a question/proposal about the proper way to help disloyal spouses on this forum. In the 'Coping with Infidelity' area we do clearly have some users who are lurking who were the ones that cheated, and they do come out from time-to-time. But it's been my observation that the moment the cheating person comes out and is honest, they are pounced on by the spouses who were cheated on who are still kind of raw and hurting. It's understandable, and yet pretty much drives away the ones how have cheated and are coming for help. I ,for one, would like to give the ones who cheated and are trying to figure out how to quit a safe place to be honest. Hey the fact is, it's an affair and it's not pretty!

Anyway, *ideally *I would envision something like the "Members Only" area where there is some restriction as to who can get in there. I've worked on forums (yes, I have the vbulletin manual cuz I'm a geek that way! LOL), and I believe I'm envisioning like a usergroup where a user would "apply" and then mods would "approve." After that they could post in the area. That's the super ideal and might require more programming/building, etc. than can be done, but hey it doesn't hurt to ask! 

Other than a "members only" kind of area and usergroup, do you have any suggestions or ideas? I mean, naturally we can continue "as is" and basically report a person if they are less than respectful, but in my personal opinion once that snarky post is written, it tends to drive off the disloyal spouse who was here for help. Another option might be just a sub-forum or a dedicated thread that's actually IN the "Members Only" area. It wouldn't particularly solve the issue utterly, but that extra layer of security might slow it down some. 

What do you think? Have any ideas/suggestions? Want to kick around and brainstorm a little?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Affaircare said:


> Anyway, *ideally *I would envision something like the "Members Only" area where there is some restriction as to who can get in there. I've worked on forums (yes, I have the vbulletin manual cuz I'm a geek that way! LOL), and I believe I'm envisioning like a usergroup where a user would "apply" and then mods would "approve." After that they could post in the area. That's the super ideal and might require more programming/building, etc. than can be done, but hey it doesn't hurt to ask!


How would the mods know who to screen out? If the spouses signed on there would be no way to know who they were. if you ban them after they make posts they can always join in again with another screen name. 

If a poster does not want to read another persons post they can always block that person. that would be a simple solution to the problem. there is also the private members section. that would be another way to screen out angry spouses. if cheaters want some protection from their spouses they can always post in that area.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

I kind of agree with Blanca here.

We all need to be respectful no matter how angry we get because of our own personal "stuff." Please continue to report posts when members are disrespectful (name calling, personal attacks, etc.)

I don't think there's a workable way to separate cheaters from those cheated on in a private section. We could maybe create a new section for cheaters seeking help, but I don't know how much of a difference that would make.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Yep after Blanca posted that I realized there would be no way for mods to tell any more than I can!  Anyway you can see the concept of a spot set aside that's going to be somewhat free from those hurtful posts, and I realize it's understandable that some of the users who were betrayed "lash out." I just wish there was a way for those who cheated to get help without getting raked over!

Maybe if we start a thread under the "Members Only" area just to see if being away from the main "Coping with Infidelity" area helps.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think maybe a better way to go about it would be to have a thread at the top of the infidelity forum which reminds all posters that there are going to be members that have cheated, and members that have been cheated on, and that both sides are likely to have bitter feelings that might come out in their responses to any thread and therefore, when you post, keep that in mind and don't let a post that bashes you drive you away, as there will surely be another post that will give you helpful advice.

I don't think trying to separate them is really the way to go. If you separate so that only the ones who've done the cheating can get in, or people who've never been cheated on, they might not get any useful advice. Personally, as someone who was once cheated on, I feel that I, and others like me who've been the betrayed partner, are most suited to tell someone who cheated what they can do to make things right. I've been there, I know what would have made things better for me, which means I'm better able to help the cheater see that other side and see what to do to make it better. (Not me specificially, but "me" as a person who was cheated on).


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

atruckersgirl said:


> I think maybe a better way to go about it would be to have a thread at the top of the infidelity forum which reminds all posters that there are going to be members that have cheated, and members that have been cheated on, and that both sides are likely to have bitter feelings that might come out in their responses to any thread and therefore, when you post, keep that in mind and don't let a post that bashes you drive you away, as there will surely be another post that will give you helpful advice.
> 
> I don't think trying to separate them is really the way to go. If you separate so that only the ones who've done the cheating can get in, or people who've never been cheated on, they might not get any useful advice. Personally, as someone who was once cheated on, I feel that I, and others like me who've been the betrayed partner, are most suited to tell someone who cheated what they can do to make things right. I've been there, I know what would have made things better for me, which means I'm better able to help the cheater see that other side and see what to do to make it better. (Not me specificially, but "me" as a person who was cheated on).


Good idea


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