# I can't tell anyone else



## arch (Dec 14, 2012)

Hi, first time poster so apologies if don't get the abbreviations and the lingo right straight away! I'm also sorry for the waffle here but just need to get this down.

Story isn't really any different to many that have been posted but wanted to get my thoughts down and hopefully someone out there can just give some advice/support.

Basically I found out 3 days ago that my wife has cheated on me and it's been a truly grim few days. Numbness, emptiness, confusion, anger, love!!, hate...I haven't cried yet and I don't know if it's because I'm too stunned or worryingly because I'm too quickly compartmentalising this and trying to get over it to return to some form of normality. I just don't know.

Now my tale....

We've been married for just over a year (no children, nice home, both working, perfect really!) and in September of this year she moved 5000 miles across the Atlantic for 3 months due to work. Ironically she left the day after our first anniversary! She arrived home last weekend.

We went into this 3 month period feeling we were both secure enough to make it work and it was a wonderful opportunity for her. I was due to visit in the middle so we thought that with Skype, email, text we would be in contact most of the time (even though there was an 8 hr time difference) and a few weeks either side of my visit would fly by.

The first few weeks she was struggling to settle and we were close but this happy contact slowly drifted as she threw herself into work and meeting new people in a new country. It became more difficult than we imagined and me being at home still in the 'routine' was the antithesis of her exciting new experiences living in a swanky apartment and going out every night as she socialised with her new acquaintances.

She slowly became distant and when I did visit for those 2 weeks I didn't feel particularly comfortable or secure and really I should have confronted this issue that I saw forming but perhaps was too naive or too scared to address it. I didn't think there was cheating going on at this point, I just thought we were drifting.

On her return we have struggled to adjust and on Tuesday (2 days after she came home) we sat down to 'talk' because we both knew that things had changed whilst she'd been out there and we needed to work out what to do. I had noticed on her return she had started to put her mobile phone screen side down which has never happened before. I couldn't stand it anymore so I just said 'is there someone else' totally (again naively) thinking it was ludicrous question!

Her answer was yes. Turns out that within the first 4 weeks she had got drunk with one of her new mates and he had made a move she reciprocated. They then slept together 10 times over a 3 week period (does the number matter - I don't know). Sickeningly, my two week visit was in the middle of that 3 weeks so basically she was f*****g him for 2 weeks before I arrived and then a week after. Allegedly nothing took place whilst I was there and he ended it 6 weeks before she came home because he was 'falling for her'. Decent guy huh?

I must point out here that I'm under no illusion that this is all his fault. She did this, she made this move and if the first time was a drunken mistake then the other 9 certainly were not. Still, who nails a married woman knowing exactly what they are doing? A morally bankrupt piece of **** in my book.

So, what do I do? I love her, I got married in a church because I genuinely believe in marriage and the vows and 'for better for worse'. But where do we begin? She has shown remorse - the crying and wailing - and is currently staying away as it's her brother's birthday elsewhere in the country. Incidentally she has told him and he has banned her from his party so she's rightly going through hell - or so she tells me. She also says that she has not had contact with this person.

Did she get wrapped up in a world where there were no repercussions and therefore the risk was minimal but the excitement and the gains high? Is it weakness that was relatively short lived...after all this isn't a 5 year affair? Does the fact that she wanted to tell me (although actually didn't until confronted) make it better or worse? Would it have been better if I'd never known? I'm not trying to make excuses for her, maybe trying to rationalise and understand her context.

I have always been the sort person that feels people live their lives and make their own choices. I am not controlling and would never dream of watching over someone's shoulder whilst they email/text as I've always trusted her. But now is that we have to do? She left her last long term relationship because she was cheated on and has always maintained it is the most disgusting thing you can do to a person. I always believed, trusted and loved her implicitly; that's why I married her. 

The other complicated thing is that we were due to both move out to this other country and the same city - she has been offered a longer term contract and we were looking to make a new life together there. Is this now possible? This person will be in the city...they don't work together or anything and it's a big place but am I taking a lamb to slaughter? Am I still being taken for a mug? 

She too is going through a period now of contemplating her life, what she's done and why she did this to me; supposedly someone she loved. Worryingly I'm now stressing because I don't want her to decide it's for the best that we go our separate ways. I don't want to appear eager to move on because I'm totally gutted beyond hope, and yet to lose her seems like the end of the world. I don't want to risk being cold and pushing her into contact with you know who. That's what's going on inside my head anyway.

I don't feel like I can tell family or friends as that is game over in terms of their love for her. She doesn't deserve their respect or love at this time, but if we do ever get through this then how do they reconcile with her even if I do. I also don't want their pity and hassle, and I certainly don't want to be judged as being **** in bed as to why she's gone elsewhere and if we do move away to start this new life, how will anyone respect me?! 

Sorry to waffle, please help! Anyone, those that have been cheated on and got/getting through it. Cheaters, give me an insight into your psychology...should I be trying to understand her or should I be taking a militant and unsympathetic view on this. 

Thank you


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm a cheater (guy) but here's my take on it. If there was already a strong foundation in the marriage I don't think it would have happened. Not saying it is your fault, because it isn't but there was something wrong in the marriage, something she was missing and she got it elsewhere.

I didn't want my wife to understand. I wanted her to help fix the marriage. And when she wouldn't, I disrespected the boundaries in my marriage and cheated.

There's a whole list of what you should be doing now and I'll let others who have been in your situation tell you what to do. But whatever you do, if you want to keep the marriage together you need to address ALL the issues, not just the cheating.


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## arch (Dec 14, 2012)

Thanks for your input. 

What a nightmare. 

If she can do this, couldn't anyone? I never thought it was possible, otherwise I wouldn't have married her, and before she went I can't think of anything underlying that was a problem with our relationship. 

This is new and raw and no doubt there is a lot of denial on my part wrapped up in this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cheater987 (Nov 5, 2012)

Arch, I agree with Michzz. Since you've been married "just over a year" and have no children, I would just get a divorce and move on. Obviously, she does not take her marriage vows seriously. You may forgive her, but you will never forget her infidelity. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Good luck!


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Your partner went out and had a blast with a strange man. Now that he's done with her, she wants the same things she enjoyed from you before. You feel trapped because you can't tell anyone. She's hoping you'll turn the other cheek and wait for her to do it again, because honestly, why shouldn't she? If there are no complications for what she did this time. The other guy, he's glad some gal slept with him for a few weeks, he doesn't care about any of this and will move on to the next girl. The one who ended up hurt, is you. She put a lot of effort into secretly ruining your marriage. How much effort is she going to put into fixing all that trust she washed away? What if the other guy would not have left her? How long would the affair have gone on for? Probably as long as they wanted to. What about next time she goes away...are you really going to fully trust her?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

arch said:


> I had noticed on her return she had started to put her mobile phone screen side down which has never happened before.
> 
> Allegedly nothing took place whilst I was there and he ended it 6 weeks before she came home because he was 'falling for her'.


Arch,

Sorry you're here, but you've come to the right place.

Question. If her affair ended weeks before she returned, why was she hiding her phone from you? They may very well still be in contact. 

The troubling thing about her affair, is that it has occurred so early in your marriage. That does not bode well for the two of you. The chances of her remaining faithful to you are small in this scenario. I'm sure others will tell you to cut your losses and divorce her. I understand that is hard to hear, but it is likely the best thing to do, given what she did after only a year in marriage.

But if you do attempt R against the odds, there is a methodology you should apply.

- Be certain that contact has ended. Verify it.

- Have her write a no contact letter to the AP with no sentimental wording.

- Monitor her going forward. Demand access to all her passwords, cell phone, computers, etc. Have her account for her time away from you.

- Expose the affair to both your families and especially to the AP's wife/girlfriend and his employer.

- And the hardest part. She must show you that she is truly remorseful. By not just her words, but her actions. She must do these things willingly. If she doesn't, start divorce proceedings.

You'll have to be prepared to leave her if she doesn't comply or is anything other than completely remorseful.

You will get a lot of good advice on this forum. I hope you'll consider all of it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

So HE broke it off - not her. 
She would have happily continued were it not for being cast aside like used tissue. It's troubling that she continued to provide sex for the OM after you left. What does all this reveal about her morals?

Is this the kind of woman you want to raise a family with?

Moving to the town where this ocurred is a very bad idea. Staying with her for another day is even worse. 

But it's your life. Your integrity is on the line. As for her, she has none. None at all. If you stay with her things may improve for a while. But in the long run - when the marriage - like all marriages - goes through a dry spell, or things get a little stale, she will know what to do. Are you up for being the policeman in your marriage when you have two or three kids with wants and needs?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I think you are overestimating your ability to get over this.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Also, it sounds like she will need to socialize with her new workmates. Can you put up with her coming home from late night meetings smelling of alcohol?

Even if it's all innocent you will worry and wonder. She will become annoyed at your doubts. It's not woth it Arch. Not one bit.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Typically affairs are like icebergs, the wayward minumizes the infidelity so they continue to lie so not to hurt you, but tell you enough details to sleep at night.

I really don't think you know this women enough or if she is willing to work on her self to change. You risk the possiblity in her cheating again 2,5,10 years from now.

If you do take a chance and work thru this, I suggest you get a postnup so that as the both of you aquire more assets as the marriage moves forward you don't take a finacial hit if she cheats again and you have to leave her for her infidelity.

As far as emotional protecting your self, I haven't a clue other then to avoid it by leaving now, but then again the risk of your wife screwing you over again and a new chick screwing you over will always be there.

What is your wife doing to prevent this from happening again?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, anyone could do it.
You can't let your wives go away for 3 months.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

It's easier to start over with no kids. Trust me, my wife stayed with me but it has changed her alot.

Move on and be happier in the long run.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's not something she did. It's something she's doing. There would be no need to hide one's phone if the affair was over. One can get drunk and make a mistake once. Ten times over three weeks requires careful contemplation, planning, and a host of deliberate decisions. She apparently expects to still receive calls you wouldn't like or else she wouldn't be hiding her phone. The choice of a life mate is the most important you'll ever make. This woman couldn't remain faithful for one year under nearly ideal conditions. What are the odds she'd be faithful if you were disabled, unemployed, sent to prison, etc? You have very little invested in her and lots to lose. Even if she had a road to Damascus style transformation, with her, you'll never have a wife you could completely trust. People are who they are by the time they are around age 8. All the counseling in the world won't put character into a soul where it hadn't previously existed.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Question. If her affair ended weeks before she returned, why was she hiding her phone from you? They may very well still be in contact.


This was the question I had right away. She's lying - still lying.

You need to find out as much of the truth as possible before you make any decisions. Moving with her now would be a big mistake, imo. She already has a foundation built in this new country without you. Moves like that are notoriously hard on marriages, often causing fatal rifts. If you move with her, I think you're asking for heartache on all fronts.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Arch, let me give you my .02 .

I knew my stbxw casually 4 years before being with her. We both got out of relationships and started dating about 3 or 4 months later. Three months after that she moved in with me. The months after that she slept with her XH. She is a train wreck. Long story short I bought her excuses (rug swept) and took her back.. Then she did it again 3 months later. I still married her because I thought she was just 'confused'. 

Turns out she is a serial cheater.. I have been putting up with that sh!t for 3 f'n years.

A month in that country and she already banging someone?

It's your choice, don't make the one I did

You don't want to be in my club... It doesn't get 'better'.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> This was the question I had right away. She's lying - still lying.
> 
> You need to find out as much of the truth as possible before you make any decisions. Moving with her now would be a big mistake, imo. She already has a foundation built in this new country without you. Moves like that are notoriously hard on marriages, often causing fatal rifts. If you move with her, I think you're asking for heartache on all fronts.


How many of her workmates and "friends" knew and approved of her romance? They're all still there. And now they know the type of woman she can be. At least one of them knows he has a better than even chance to get her to play.

Word gets around Arch,


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You say he broke it off six weeks before she left, so why was she hiding her phone since she got back! Clearly it's still going on at some level.

If you stay together, she must give full transparency and get an std test and give up his full name and contact info AND the two of you do not take her offered job. When she chose to cheat so easily and so willingly, she also chose to through away the opportunity for the two of you to move there. That job and that city are now forever tainted by her affair.

Everyone at that job knows about her affair and will view you as her cuckold husband. How could you possibly be there with her and her with them and him daily. It would be humiliating.

That said, I wouldn't stay with her. She jumped very very quickly into his bed, and even your visit didn't wake her up. He bore it off not her, and it appears even after being home she was very actively still texting, calling, emailing with him. She may have even been skyping with him. 

She may in fact still be in full contact with him even now.

I would be rid of her, any bride that would so easily cheat on her husband clearly has neither love or empathy for you. None at all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> How many of her workmates and "friends" knew and approved of her romance? They're all still there. And now they know the type of woman she can be. At least one of them knows he has a better than even chance to get her to play.
> 
> Word gets around Arch,


Truth. Some will view you as the OM breaking up their friends romance and others will see you as her cuckold husband who let her return to the scene of the crime.

This move is forever tainted. If you moved you would be essentially giving her to him. With you stuck there with no friends and no support system,


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

arch said:


> Worryingly I'm now stressing because I don't want her to decide it's for the best that we go our separate ways. I don't want to appear eager to move on because I'm totally gutted beyond hope, and yet to lose her seems like the end of the world. I don't want to risk being cold and pushing her into contact with you know who. That's what's going on inside my head anyway.


Arch, the statement above is the only thing you need to focus on right now, that is the nail in the coffin, if you don't take control of this insecurity, all hope is lost. Your wife senses this insecurity and it repulses her, even if it's unconscious, it feeds her doubt about you and reinforces her desire to be with the other man.

I'm sorry my friend, this is not going to get better any time soon. You're only hope, right now, is to become a solid wall of strength and self confidence, anything less and you'll lose this battle.

If it was me (and I know you aren't me, and you need to make your own decision based on things you know that I don't), I would be gone; I wouldn't spend another night under the same roof with her. Her only shot at reconciliation with me would be to pursue me 100%, and even then, based on what you said she did, I wouldn't reconcile.

If you stay with your wife, prepare your self for a very, very, insecure future; you'll never trust her the way you did before she left for 3 months... never.

But aside from my own cynical stance on this, if you want to have any chance of making this work, you need to get very tough, very quickly and shake this woman to the core, *she needs to know that you're not a sure thing in this game*; it's sink or swim right now.

T


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

Quote 

"I don't feel like I can tell family or friends as that is game over in terms of their love for her. She doesn't deserve their respect or love at this time, but if we do ever get through this then how do they reconcile with her even if I do."

No, this is not so - family forgive much easier than you will be able to (maybe not all friends though, but freinds are far more transient anyway). As example, my older brother cheated on his wife a few years ago - we all know, and he is still accepted and loved as a brother should be. Even though i now fully understand his ex wifes pain, confusion, anger and betrayal i am not going to blank my brother. Expose the b1tch. And leave her with your head held high - why do you want to help her deception, expose.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> Arch, the statement above is the only thing you need to focus on right now, that is the nail in the coffin, if you don't take control of this insecurity, all hope is lost. Your wife senses this insecurity and it repulses her, even if it's unconscious, it feeds her doubt about you and reinforces her desire to be with the other man.
> 
> I'm sorry my friend, this is not going to get better any time soon. You're only hope, right now, is to become a solid wall of strength and self confidence, anything less and you'll lose this battle.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Arch, take a step back, chill for ten minutes, try and relax your mind.

Just try to imagine that you are in a bar and a stranger has just come in and told you this story.
What would be your advice to him, really?

Would it be "run like the wind" or something like that? I very much doubt it would be "just forgive her"


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What culture are you from ?(country) And how old are you guys ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

And if you check her records or mail, you will see some contact between them after returning home, probably her asking to get back with him and OM rejecting her.


She told you because she realized that she got used and dumped and and the other did not reciprocate her feelings. 


She doesn't value you or the vows as much as you think she does.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you moved you would be essentially giving her to him. With you stuck there with no friends and no support system,


And even if she did end things with him, you would be stuck there exactly as Shaggy says, "with no friends and no support system."

Take it from someone who knows. This is a virtual certainty. You are estranged now. If you follow her there, the estrangement will be complete.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her phone/text records? Why do you think its over? Did she know there was a good chance she would be sent back there?

If it was over why was she hiding/acting differently with her phone?

Tell her there is no way the two of you could ever move to the country where the OM lives and pay CLOSE attn to her reaction.

Are you in the U.S.?


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## arch (Dec 14, 2012)

Warlock - from the UK. In late 20s. 

Some tough love here. Cheers for your comments. 

What a f*****g mess. You just never believe its going to happen to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

arch said:


> Warlock - from the UK. In late 20s.
> 
> Some tough love here. Cheers for your comments.
> 
> ...


You're right, we all thought at one time that our love was special. It's a rude awakening. You're lucky though, you found out quickly (kudos to you on that), and you're young, and you have no kids. Let this be one of those big lessons you learn in your life and move on. Worrying about your wife's every move will make you an old man quick, don't burden yourself with that baggage, cut yourself loose and be free.

T


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She does not accept that contract
Put this point to her. If she does, send her away with the divorce petition. Or could the marriage be annulled, instead?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Have you been able to verify someting of her "disclosure" on your own?
I'd love to read her most recent texts/emails, the ones after the "allegued" ending it from OM's part (while she was still there) and specially the ones she sent him after she was back with that Long term contract at OM's city in the pocket!!

She wasn't done with him 3 days ago!! The emotional affair was full force 3 days ago (when she's planning to move to that city)!
I highly suspect that PA "already" ended weeks ago is a complete fabrication but even it's truth the EA never ended so she's possibly testing you about the move to OM's city. I have no idea about what her plans are. Maybe keep cake eating? Being sure OM knows she'd will be aviable again very soon?

Did she ever send the NC letter? Provided her passwords? Hs she deleted all evidence?

Go low key, you just found out, make a huge deal of watching her phone but on her back keylogg the PC, Ket a better idead of waht was/is going on!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

This may sound harsh - but there is good news here and that is you are still young, and your marriage has been short. Not much of a "honeymoon" period. So in a sense, you can consider yourself lucky that you have found this out so early when you can walk away and just chalk it up to experience.

If you are seriously considering repairing - just think really hard if you can see yourself trusting and loving this woman for the rest of your life. If the answer is yes, then make a go of it, but do yourself a favour and don't waste a lot of time if it doesn't feel right.

Anyway, sorry you are going through this hell - and best of luck with your decisions.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sounds like the move was London to LA. Is this showbiz related work she's in? What would you be doing if you stay together? Housekeeping?

And yes, the affair is still on.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

This snt tough love, it's just facts interpreted without the cloud of what you want it yo be versus what it is.

The people here have seen enough of this stuff to see the common behaviors and tactics used by the WS.

You WS is a liar and a trickle truther along with playing the poor me crying card. Let me guess she's said a lot of self deprecating things to garner your sympathy. Not a true I'm sorry, but likely more of sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm such a horrible person, etc etc"

She's not out buying books on how to heal the marrage she ended, she's not exposing the OM as a sloe ball who puts the moves on a married woman. She's not even tellong you the full truth about his many times the did it. I bet if you think back, while you were there she was hone late from work, didn't want to have sex with you, as on her phone texting etc? Right?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

arch said:


> Warlock - from the UK. In late 20s.
> 
> Some tough love here. Cheers for your comments.
> 
> ...


I thought so! A fellow UK person. So sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

You do know that she doesn't deserve you?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So I'm guessing she went to the US to work right? Then you'll likely find it hard to get yourself a work visa and you'll be sitting around alone while she's out with her new buddies and the OM.

Look in all honesty, moving do far is a tremendous strain on a marriage and even in good marriages the stress can cause breakups. You are going into ths with a cheating wife who until 3 days ago was still in lovey dover contact with the OM and may at this very moment be skyping him. Doing such a move now right into the heart of the OMs and her city of love is guranteed failure. 

I wonder if her tears are because she thinks you won't want her to go back there which means her and her OM will be apart.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

badmemory said:


> Question. *If her affair ended weeks before she returned, why was she hiding her phone from you?* They may very well still be in contact.
> 
> - Be certain that contact has ended. Verify it.
> 
> ...


You will not be able to reconcile if she still is sending him love messages and he her. Verifying contact ended is step number 1.

Very good question: It was over weeks ago, but she was hiding her phone. Sounds like a lie about it being over, don't you agree?

She should never delete any messages ever again. Neither should you. You should both have passwords and access to each other's phones. You are married, what would either of you have to keep secret from the other?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Arch, life is too short to spend it policing your wife. Cut your losses and move on. Staying married to this woman will be death by a thousand cuts.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

arch said:


> I'm too quickly compartmentalising this and trying to get over it to return to some form of normality.
> 
> when I did visit for those 2 weeks I didn't feel particularly comfortable or secure and really I should have confronted this issue that I saw forming but perhaps was too naive or too *scared* to address it.
> 
> ...


So after her cheating, you are insane with worry about what you could do to keep her? You are trying to do the humiliating dance of "pick me"? You feel you are in competition with other man, who she can go live in his city with her new long contract, and leave you for good, and you are worried about losing your cheater?

The thing is, usually it's the cheater who is afraid that their spouse won't take them back after the cheating. It must be quite a nice relief to your cheater that you are not going to give her any consequences, you just want to know how to act so she won't leave you for good.

As others have posted, she still is in contact with him. She is considering whether to go to his city and continue their torrid affair. She probably slept with him while you were there. She probably did not use a condom.

Why don't you ask your wife what it will take for her to choose you over the other man? That would seem the easiest solution given your desire to reconcile at all costs.

You should stop worrying what your wife will think, what your family and friends will think - just worry about how you feel.

What do you want from your wife? To end the affair and not cheat again? To know that she is in love with you? Whatever it is that you want, tell her.

She was there a few weeks and already was pulling her pants down? Three weeks without you and she already forgot about you?

Crying and wailing is not remorse. Remorse is doing every thing she can to help you feel comfortable. Offering her passwords, letting you see she ended the affair, showing you the texts, asking you what you need to heal from the affair.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

arch said:


> If she can do this, couldn't anyone?


Yep. And that's why, AFTER YOU DIVORCE HER, you go to good therapy to figure out why you were susceptible to a User and why you needed to pick such a person. 

So you don't pick another such person the next time, after you get this mistake marriage dissolved.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's over already. 

One scenario is where you end it and let her know theirs nothing to talk about. She'll know that her actions created consequences and maybe not do it to the next guy. She will decide that she loved you and lost you because of her actions. And you'll have your sense of pride and self respect intact.

Another scenario is your emotional state drives you to try to work it out. She will unknowingly find you emotionally weak and needy. She will justify that she didn't love you and her affair was a result of that. She will dump you while you cling for life. Once it's actually over your self esteem will be crushed and hers will be boosted and she will feel like her actions were justified.

Now the reason the scenarios play out this way is in scenario #1 you are being attractive and in scenario #2 you are being pathetic. Unfortunately it's a catch 22. The only possibility of reconciliation is to bust up and maybe get back together much later.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Another scenario is your emotional state drives you to try to work it out. She will unknowingly find you emotionally weak and needy. She will justify that she didn't love you and her affair was a result of that. She will dump you while you cling for life. Once it's actually over your self esteem will be crushed and hers will be boosted and she will feel like her actions were justified.


And this will all be accelerated and intensified if you move with her for her job. You'll be in a place where she has work and friends, and you are completely isolated emotionally and culturally. You become the 'other' to her and you start to feel it in yourself, which makes you even more insecure.

It would be a terrible choice.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not be 5000 miles away from your family. She is not done with OM. File D and see what happens.

Your love is there, you need to see if she loves you.

You need control. There is always more to what the WS tells you.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She is still in an ongoing A. She is minising her sex fest with OM. She is in damage control to save her plan B from moving away.
One yr into marriage..........wah.
Dump her man. What is there to think. You deserve far better than her.
Expose to every one this is a must and let she handle it as this is the consequences of her choices.
Get tested for STDs and HIV. Who knows how many *****s he was banging with.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

You can have a stiff upper lip and STILL be direct and forthright. You are empathically worried about the repurcussions to her reputation if you spead the word that she's a round heeled slattern.

Now, let me ask you if SHE was concerned about your reputation, your feelings or how the family would look at YOU?

We both know the answer to that. 

And being a man of intelligence, you can put yourself into a mental place where there is one tricky slip after another and one suddenly finds oneself naked in a bed, staring at a mirror wondering how the hell she had gotten to this place. I could write that story myself.

But that doesn't excuse such behavior. It just makes us understand it. When she stuck her thumbs in her panties to pull them down, THAT was a single defining moment of Will and Character. She failed.

But even failing A test of character isn't a deal breaker. You have failed, I have failed. It's part of the human condition.

Even if we believe her, the PROPER course of action would have been to stop the affair, cut contact, and work on one's marriage. Maybe even come home. Certainly not to continue her bad practices.

She did none of those things. These were choices too.

This does not demand an eye for an eye bit of vengence, but suffering in silence or being a martyr serves who exactly? I think that there is a great deal of truth she is leaving out. Perhaps she isn't as pleased being married to you as she originally believed. Maybe she just found someone else she fancied more. Or maybe she is a person of very low character.

Which of these choices did you want to stay married to? The only one is one who deeply and truly was remorseful and cared enough to give up this work opportunity. Have you seen that woman yet?

So for the record, I hope that you channel Sir Richard Burton and not John Cleese when pursing this.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Married a year!!!!!---during that period of time----for most spouses, they are so in love they can't see that there is anyone else in the world---even away on a trip----they would be in constant contact, and with eyes for each other and no one else!!!!!

Your so called wife---as soon as she hits her destination---she is out carousing and looking for men---does that sound like the definition of a married woman----if she loved you, her social life would not have included, running to the night spots to look for men

You are gonna do what ever you want-

--you have been given some excellent advice, whether you follow it or not, is up to you----I will say one thing----DO NOT, tie your LIFE, and future to this cheater, that calls herself your wife---DO NOT, leave what you have and follow her, cuz of some job-----you already know, she will cheat on you at the drop of a hat----when there is cheating done, and lets admit it---there is a lot of it----the excuses/justifications are major marital problems, or boredom, or craving physical contact with someone who has stirred their hormones----BUT THESE THINGS USUALLY DO NOT HAPPEN 1 YEAR INTO A MGE.---so stay married if you enjoy misery, but do not WRECK your own life/future by giving up what you have and following her-----YOU WILL BE LEFT HIGH AND DRY!!!!!!!!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

My prediction is that after she finds the tears don't make you cave and accept her cheating, that she will turn on you and try anger.

The end game is that she is going to go back to the US no matter what you say or do. She will go back because the OM is there, and she's still chasing him.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I know you know there's no chance in hell she will sacrifice for you/the marriage (meaning ending it and doing the right things, including giving up that work offer).
The fact she never gave a thought about it is very telling. She likely assumed you would follow her there nonetheless.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Acabado said:


> I know you know there's no chance in hell she will sacrifice for you/the marriage (meaning ending it and doing the right things, including giving up that work offer).
> The fact she never gave a thought about it is very telling. She likely assumed you would follow her there nonetheless.


It think she was following the typical WS fog thinking of how wonderful it will be when she can be back in the US and with the OM and not have the unwanted burden of having to deal with keeping in touch with her husband back home.

Her husband would be there taking care of her, and she would go out fior lunches and dates with the OM and have a perfect life with butterflies waking her up every morning.

Heck, hubby would see what a great guy the OM is and be happy for her.

I'm serious btw, affair fog makes the WS incredibly naive and self centered. They actually make mental plans like the above.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

michzz said:


> I wouldn't bother with attempting to repair this. Someone who can cheat so easily so early in the marriage is not worth it.
> 
> Ignore her tears. She has shown you how much she values her marriage vows.
> 
> ...


Slept with him 10 times? before and *AFTER *your visit?

->D.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

turnera said:


> Yep. And that's why, AFTER YOU DIVORCE HER, you go to good therapy to figure out why you were susceptible to a User and why you needed to pick such a person.
> 
> So you don't pick another such person the next time, after you get this mistake marriage dissolved.


The most insightful post I've ever read here.


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