# Stopped communication with my wife. Am I doing this wrong?



## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

Quick recap:
My wife had an affair a couple years ago. I've put myself aside to try and save our marriage (we have 2 young kids). I haven't been met with much effort from her. She's been diagnosed and is treated for depression (for years, before we even met). She's also one of the most stubborn people I know. I think these things may be clouding her perception of our past. She says we didn't have the connection we should have. She finally made it clear she said she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. 

We haven't told our kids yet because I want to prepare myself for how to do this so my kids feel the least pain by seeing a counselor. We're still living and raising our kids together for now. We're not fighting about anything (and never really have). We're still both doing our best to keep our kids happiness in mind. 

Since we had the conversation of moving towards divorce I've kind of intentionally shutdown around her. I've stopped having conversations with her unless it's about our kids, house sale, groceries, etc... No hi's, goodbye's, goodnight's, or how was your day's. I'm not this type of person and enjoy(ed) talking to my wife about everything. But, this is the way I think I have to be to prepare for a divorce I don't want. Despite everything I would still consider saving our marriage if my wife took it seriously and put in some effort. I'm done putting effort on my own. 

Some people have suggested doing a 180 and stop doing all the things that could be taken for granted and take charge of my own things. I will ONLY work with my wife if she decides to put more effort in. I think my lack of communication has been a bit hard on her. It's been tough on me too.

My question is, am I doing this right? Am I killing any chance of reconciliation by distancing myself like this? Am I accomplishing nothing by keeping my mouth shut?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

the 180 is EXCATLY the right thing to do.

you ARE killing your chance at any meaniful change from her by catering to her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @ 2arebetter  ~ Per "The 180 Rules," you are doing things exactly as they should be! Just don't give in to acquiescing to her! Force her to do things for herself!

Move right on along on your own! She'll get the message!*


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to read up on the 180 and follow it. Those who advised you of that are correct. You can't kill what doesn't exist. Once your WW cheated, your M was over. You just really didn't realize it until she made it clear that she doesn't love you. At this point, there really is not a M to save and won't ever be. 

180 will allow you to detach and gain back control. D on your terms, not hers. Get the best shark lawyer you can and go for everything that you think you deserve + more.

Also, make sure the kids learn in an age appropriate way why you are getting a D (mommy can't have a boyfriend while married.)


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

2arebetter said:


> Quick recap:
> My wife had an affair a couple years ago. I've put myself aside to try and save our marriage (we have 2 young kids). I haven't been met with much effort from her. She's been diagnosed and is treated for depression (for years, before we even met). She's also one of the most stubborn people I know. I think these things may be clouding her perception of our past. She says we didn't have the connection we should have. She finally made it clear she said she doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce.
> 
> We haven't told our kids yet because I want to prepare myself for how to do this so my kids feel the least pain by seeing a counselor. We're still living and raising our kids together for now. We're not fighting about anything (and never really have). We're still both doing our best to keep our kids happiness in mind.
> ...


Yes, your are doing the right thing. This might help. It is quoted from an article on affaircare.com ....

"When someone first finds out that their spouse is cheating, a very typical reaction is to cry and beg them to stay and beg them to love you and them around like a puppy dog pointing out all “the good memories”… The loyal spouse sort of enters this competition for the disloyal spouse’s love (PICK ME!) and buys gifts and promises they’ll change and calls them all the time nagging them about reconciling.

This is a VERY typical reaction, and it is 100% counter-productive! To the disloyal spouse you look like a weak, beta, wimp with no self-respect and no worth. Honestly it is irritating to have someone follow you around all mopey and begging you to choose them.

So the 180 (The U Turn) says “Do the OPPOSITE.” Another way to think of it is like George Castanza–remember how he did the opposite of every natural instinct and suddenly he had TONS of women? The 180 concept is sort of similar–do the opposite of what you’ve been doing that hasn’t worked.

Imagine what would happen if you found out your spouse was cheating, and rather cry and beg them to stay and beg them to love you and them around like a puppy dog pointing out all “the good memories”… the loyal spouse said, “I have decided to stop all this crying and begging. If you don’t love me, then so be it. I do feel sad, but that’s your choice and I’m perfectly capable of functioning without you and finding someone who does appreciate what I have to offer. So good luck and buh-bye now.” And then just carried on as if they were completely okay and like a weight had been lifted off their shoulders!!

Then rather than entering the competition for the disloyal spouse’s love (PICK ME!) and buys gifts and promises they’ll change and calling them all the time asking for reconciliation, what if the loyal spouse redecorated the house in a new color they always wanted? And the loyal didn’t call, and in fact seemed to move on okay with the disloyal? And when the disloyal called them…they couldn’t take the call because they were at an event having a great time and they’d call some other time?

See, trying to manipulate someone into loving you is never going to work. But begging and crying and following like a puppy and calling just show weakness. The goal of the 180 (The U Turn) is to help YOU become someone who has self-worth and who sees their self-value. If someone has self-worth, even if the one they love chooses to do something painful, they don’t doubt that they still have worth! They just accept that the person they love did something dumb and recognize that has nothing to do with their value! Make sense?

So going the first route demonstrates lack of self-worth…and the 180 says “How’s that working for ya?” Your relationship is a MESS and now you need to learn how to do the exact opposite to demonstrate that you are developing (or re-realizing) your WORTH.

In the end, who can say if the disloyal will reconcile or not? Doesn’t really matter actually. The goal is to act in a way that supports and reaffirms your own worth. If they choose to reconcile–coolness they see you as a stronger, alpha kind of person who can carry on. If they choose NOT to reconcile–too bad, their loss, because you are a person who can be just fine on our own without them!

You may choose to have them in your life, but you do not NEED them. Make sense?"


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

2arebetter said:


> I think my lack of communication has been a bit hard on her. It's been tough on me too.


Everything you have to offer should be on the table. Your W needs to understand this is complete separation with exception of co-parenting the kids. The call for you to do anything at all is now over. Your W is getting what she has asked for. Your W gets the D but does not keep all the benefits of a H. Communicating, support and fixer man when she needs one is a ship that has left port. That party is over per your W request. Your W needs to grasp that. For you, 180 is an effective tool to detach, re-group and move on with your life.


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## 2arebetter (May 3, 2016)

This whole time I thought the 180 was just something people talked about on here. I didn't know it was an actual thing. 

This info is a help for sure! Looking into it more!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I'm usually all for this but there are a couple of things I think you have to be mindful of.

Firstly, let go totally.

It's obvious you don't want the divorce, but your 180 is a little bit inauthentic, you're doing it as a sort of half punishment/half preparation for her wanting the divorce. To be clear, even by the way you're acting as seeing as you put it that your wife is stubborn, do you think she's not going to remember this? Even if by some chance she changes her mind and wants to R I think she will hold onto to this and it will turn into resentment.

I only say this (and I'm a strong advocate for once a cheat, get rid of them immediately) because of her depression. This will be a huge factor moving forward of her capacity to take care of the kids once you've split up.

I'm not saying do not 180, I'm saying 180 not as a punitive measure in hopes of turning your wife around. The marriage didn't work out but there's no reason moving forward you can still not have conversations with the express knowledge that you are splitting up. Your shutting down is not preparing or working on yourself and healing because you still have hopes of R.

Let go, work on self and you don't have to bend over backwards for her or mollycoddle her. Do it for yourself.


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