# Husband said he doesn't love me anymore



## xyzxyz1708 (Sep 4, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for less than a year (together for 5) and we have always wanted the same things in life, to get married, to buy a house in the suburbs (which we did and we are supposed to move in soon) and to have kids. 
My husband has a bit of an anger problem, not too bad and he never hurt me or anything but he throws these temper tantrums at times whenever he gets frustrated and it’s brought on by small things usually. It’s kind of annoying but I know he loves me and that this is how he deals with frustration so I learned to deal with it. It doesn’t happen too often, maybe once twice a month. 
Usually he will say something hurtful, sometimes he will hit the wall or a table then he will leave and then what happens is he cools off and comes back and says he’s sorry and that he was just frustrated. I know it’s not healthy but I realize that he just needs time to cool off so I give him that. He always says I am spoiled and childish and that is in most cases the reason behind his tantrums. And I know that I can be like that and I tried to change for him, but it seems that I didn’t do it well enough. 
I feel like there is no room for error and that I have to be perfect and always think ahead but I am human, and when he gets angry I completely lose myself and I cannot think and I end up saying something that makes it worse (although I think that anything I would say would make it worse). There is truth to what he says but whenever we fight he always blames everything on me, like I messed everything up. Sometimes it is but it just makes me feel so low and weak and hurt that it makes me being who he wants me to be even harder. 
Usually after a temper tantrum and him cooling off we make up and everything goes back to normal and everything is great again. After the worst one we had until recently, after we made up I told him I don’t like it when he does that and asked him to try to calm down and talk instead of getting angry. He said that he will try but that no matter what we will always make it work and he will always come back to me and I believed him. He even asked me to trust him that he will always come back to me. 
Now the last temper tantrum was the worst ever and he ended up saying that he doesn’t love me anymore and that he wants a divorce, he broke some furniture, he spat in my face and said it’s over and that I have to leave. 
He said things like that before although not as bad and then he took them back saying he said them in anger and it’s not what he really feels so I am feeling very conflicted over whether he meant those things or he just said them in anger. The issue was the same thing, that I am spoiled and childish and that I care about my family more than him, blah blah and that I told him I would change before but I didn’t and that I don’t get any more chances and that I messed it up and it’s all my fault that I cannot change. I of course got so emotional and ended up being childish and I know it was stupid but I couldn’t help the overwhelming emotions taking hold of me. I cried, I begged and I told him to give me one more chance to change, but he wouldn’t hear it and kept asking me to leave but I wouldn’t, I wanted to talk and work it out. 
Eventually I said I will leave, so I packed some things but then he said that no he will leave and I should stay, so he left but then he came back an hour or so later, asked me to go sleep on the couch and then in the morning he completely ignored me and went to work. He is right that I can sometimes be childish and that I was spoiled growing up but is it really all my fault? 
I feel like he always wants to be tough and for me to be tough too and that even if I do fifteen things right he will focus on the sixteenth thing that I didn’t do or did wrong. I love him more than anything and I truly believe that he loves me too and he is a wonderful man and a great husband and I cannot lose him but I don’t know what to do. We are supposed to move into the house we bought together soon. Earlier the same day we kept playfully fighting over who loves whom more.


----------



## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

You are being verbally/emotionally abused hon. Please get out...it is only a matter of time before he gets physical with you.

All relationship issues are usually 50/50. To put 100% of the blame on you is wrong. To use anger to intimidate is wrong.

Please take care of yourself...your post concerns me.


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Paragraphs should be shorter. Easier to read. 

He spat in your face and is a wonderful man do not make sense to me. If anyone spat in my face, I would consider this to be about as disrespectful as you can get. Childish and disrespectful.

I think you both need counselling. Look for a licensed marriage counsellor. Preferrablly one that is recommended by a mature person.


----------



## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

A wonderful man and great husband does not belittle you, spit in your face, break things, and make you fearful of doing something that will anger him. He is an abusive man and husband. 

Unfortunately these types of relationships only worsen over time. You do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. I hope you will come to see that.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Does he seem to get angry and violent out of nowhere? If your really wanting to work things out... have him see a psychiatrist and see if he will go to counseling with you. Oh and stop being a doormat. Do not be taking all the blame and thinking he is right. Be assertive and let him know you don't appreciate his behavior. I too think you should leave as it sounds dangerous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

notperfectanymore said:


> You are being verbally/emotionally abused hon. Please get out...it is only a matter of time before he gets physical with you.
> 
> All relationship issues are usually 50/50. To put 100% of the blame on you is wrong. To use anger to intimidate is wrong.
> 
> Please take care of yourself...your post concerns me.


:iagree:

I know you love him & want to stay together & probably don't want to hear that you should leave but it's the truth.

Love doesn't hurt.

Oh & if you do stay with him, please don't have children.

He will abuse them also.


----------



## Incognito007 (Sep 2, 2012)

notperfectanymore said:


> You are being verbally/emotionally abused hon. Please get out...it is only a matter of time before he gets physical with you.


Actually, in many states, spitting in another's face is considered physical assualt. It sounds like he is already getting physical with her.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This is emotional abuse. He is controlling you with his anger and his disapproval so that you are constantly trying to be good enough for him. 

You should read Lundy Bancroft's book "Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men". 

I suggest that you give him what he is asking for. It will surprise him and might wake him up to the fact that there are problems. Pack up your stuff and leave. Go to a women's shelter because you can get some counseling there, too. Go Dark completely. When he contacts you again and tries to get back together with you, make counseling a mandatory condition. He has anger management issues and your marriage is NOT healthy. It will get worse. Right now, he's spitting at you and breaking furniture. He's blaming you for his anger and rage. He's citing your failures as the reasons for his angry outburts and tantrums when it is actually his lack of control of himself that is the problem. You are walking on eggshells. Next will be him pushing you, then kicking just in the spur of the moment, and then hitting. Might be a while before it happens, but it will. You're getting weaker by the day because you're afraid of his anger, even though you don't see it (it's coming across clearly in your posts). The more weakness you display, the more he will lash out at you.

Leave. Take a break. Get some counseling and some perspective. Revisit whether this marriage is salvageable when things are calm. You don't sound like you want to leave, but, I think you should at least get some distance and space. Pushing to get him to stick around will only make him lash out at you harder next time. 

Please read the book I suggested.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Also, please go back and edit your post into paragraphs. You'll get more responses because it will be easier for people to read. Not trying to be snarky or nit-picky, just trying to help you get more responses.


----------

