# Not 'in love with me'



## mp72 (Aug 10, 2011)

My wife says she still loves me but isn't 'in love with me' anymore. 
After 6 years of marriage (rocky at times) and now a 1.5 year old in our lives, I know I'm in love with her. 
Where do I go from there?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Tell her your understand and leave it at that. i'm not sure where you should go from there...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

That's often code for "there's someone else I AM in love with"... Just as an FYI.

Where does SHE want to go from here?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Go to the men's forum, read the sticky post at the top and study the links and threads inside.

CHances are you "love" your wife, but act and behave in ways that drive her away. 

In those posts, a man can learn what to do, and what to stop doing.

And PBear is correct, the all too common ILYBINILWY speech is indeed the signal there is an affair man around the corner, or even at the door!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah. A 90 percent probability that the "I love you..but..." speech means an affair is going on.

I thought I was the lucky 10 percent when I heard those words. Boy, was I ever wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> Go to the men's forum, read the sticky post at the top and study the links and threads inside.
> 
> CHances are you "love" your wife, but act and behave in ways that drive her away.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

With all due respect, it's very unlikely that a woman with an 18 mo child is having an affair. First, affirm her feelings. Tell her this all makes perfect sense, it's exactly what anyone would expect from someone in your position, it's completely understandable, you're absolutely right.

Next, ask yourself, deep in your heart, whether or not this is really important to you. You've got the kid "on the hoof" so to speak, so your primal goal is accomplished. Personally, I recommend going for another kid asap and maybe even a third. DNA is far more binding than love. Make sure create a link, personally, emotionally, socially and physically, that cannot be severed. If she does run off, you keep the kid(s). And put yourself in her shoes, how can you love someone who put you through all this? And it's just started.

Finally, if your answer is yes, then you have a big project ahead of you. Mostly everyone else is more qualified than me to help you with that. Just keep in mind that the Bible commands you to love your wife but it doesn't say anything about her loving you back.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

duplicate post


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Adding kids to a loveless marriage is the WORST thing you can do. 

The not in love with you is WAY worse than it sounds. 

Bringing kids into this type situation is cruel. 



Ten_year_hubby said:


> With all due respect, it's very unlikely that a woman with an 18 mo child is having an affair. First, affirm her feelings. This all makes perfect sense, this is exactly what I would expect you to do, I completely understand, you're absolutely right.
> 
> Next, ask yourself, deep in your heart, whether or not this is really important to you. You've got the kid "on the hoof" so to speak, so your primal goal is accomplished. Personally, I recommend going for another kid asap and maybe even a third. DNA is far more binding than love. Make sure create a link, personally, emotionally, socially and physically, that cannot be severed. If she does run off, you keep the kid(s). And put yourself in her shoes, how can you love someone who put you through all this? And it's just started.
> 
> Finally, if your answer is yes, then you have a big project ahead of you. Many people here are more qualified than me to help you with that. Just keep in mind that the Bible commands you to love your wife but it doesn't say anything about her loving you back.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Tell her "I love you but I'm not sure I can tolerate seeing your apathetic ass around here any more."


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Adding kids to a loveless marriage is the WORST thing you can do.
> 
> The not in love with you is WAY worse than it sounds.
> 
> Bringing kids into this type situation is cruel.


I respectfully disagree. Who knows what kind of situation will be in effect tomorrow or the day after? You know yourself and you know you're married and you may or may not know your wife. Another person's love may come or may go but life and marriage are real. I will give the mom the benefit of the doubt and suppose she loves her kid(s). Dad loves his wife and his kid(s). In my humble opinion, we have ignition. Call me cruel but I wouldn't let my wanting to have a family be held hostage to a woman's emotional state.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Quoted for Truth



MEM11363 said:


> Adding kids to a loveless marriage is the WORST thing you can do.
> 
> The not in love with you is WAY worse than it sounds.
> 
> Bringing kids into this type situation is cruel.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is she a SAHM? What does she do all day? Does she go to a gym? Activities? Does she work? Does she spend time on her phone or computer at night while you're watching the baby?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Adding kids to a loveless marriage is the WORST thing you can do.
> 
> The not in love with you is WAY worse than it sounds.
> 
> Bringing kids into this type situation is cruel.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Is she a SAHM? What does she do all day? Does she go to a gym? Activities? Does she work? Does she spend time on her phone or computer at night while you're watching the baby?


All essential information. :smthumbup:


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I disagree with your disagreement. Why would you want to have a child with someone that "isn't in love with you". Especially when this statement has a high likelihood of being an affair marker. So, you have kids anyways, while your wife decides to keep seeing her mate on the side? What is this going to demonstrate to your kid? Hey son. It's perfectly ok to have zero self respect and let your wife fk around in your marriage. Either that, or your kid grows up and realizes just what a Pu$$y good old dad has been all his life. So, now your wife doesn't have respect for you, and neither do your kids. Just a whole lot of pity for you.




Ten_year_hubby said:


> I respectfully disagree. Who knows what kind of situation will be in effect tomorrow or the day after? You know yourself and you know you're married and you may or may not know your wife. Another person's love may come or may go but life and marriage are real. I will give the mom the benefit of the doubt and suppose she loves her kid(s). Dad loves his wife and his kid(s). In my humble opinion, we have ignition. Call me cruel but I wouldn't let my wanting to have a family be held hostage to a woman's emotional state.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

The child is already here...so...duh


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yes. But I'm referring to ten year hubby's suggestion that they should just have more kids to "grow the love" or "force the love back"

Ahh, Trenton! I missed your mockery, by the way! It's been a while. You must be from Jersey or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I respectfully disagree.
> 
> Who knows what kind of situation will be in effect tomorrow or the day after?
> 
> ...


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

Acuse me of being cruel, but this is some of the worst advice I have ever seen on any topic within or without of this website. I am being so emphatic because it sepaks fo bringing children into a relayionship that has problems. Having children takes an unfotunate situation and turns it into tragic.

In all fairness to TYH, we all have bad days and I have had my share of bad posts. So shake it off and come back stronger for this. Good luck sir.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

OK. I take it back. Let your wife have the other guy's kid with you on the hook for support. Then trade her in for a new one with you paying support for her and the kid(s). Leave them living with no father and hope you don't make the same mistake twice.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mp72 said:


> My wife says she still loves me but isn't 'in love with me' anymore.
> After 6 years of marriage (rocky at times) and now a 1.5 year old in our lives, I know I'm in love with her.
> Where do I go from there?


I think you have to accept that the only option available to you is the one that can be found within you. Look at the manning up threads in the Men's Clubhouse and focus on being strong and confident. Since she is looking for a hormone-induced feeling, you might even try a 180 in your approach to her.

Seriously, when a woman is immature enough to make an assessment that can just as likely be made after eating a bad burrito, what else can you do? She is putting too much stock in what is usually an intentional superficial feeling. If anything, given that the two of you have given your heart and soul to the relationship in the past, you should see this pre-teen immaturity as an insult. Let it drive some feelings other than desperation. She might put aside these thoughts of finding love with another man.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Yes. But I'm referring to ten year hubby's suggestion that they should just have more kids to "grow the love" or "force the love back"
> 
> Ahh, Trenton! I missed your mockery, by the way! It's been a while. You must be from Jersey or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We had best friends once who had a kid. They were on the skids so they decided to have another kid, to 'help' the marriage. By the time they divorced, the older kid had become a drug addict, runaway, angry kid who eventually ended up in prison. The younger kid became a self-absorbed princess because they threw stuff at her to shut her up because they were so busy hating each other.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you checked her phone records yet, mp72? Have you installed a keylogger on her computer to see who she's chatting up? You got the ILYBINILWY speech, which means you now have a 75% chance that she's met her 'soul mate' and she's trying to replace you with him.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

turnera said:


> Have you checked her phone records yet, mp72? Have you installed a keylogger on her computer to see who she's chatting up? You got the ILYBINILWY speech, which means you now have a 75% chance that she's met her 'soul mate' and she's trying to replace you with him.


:iagree:


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Yes. But I'm referring to ten year hubby's suggestion that they should just have more kids to "grow the love" or "force the love back"
> 
> Ahh, Trenton! I missed your mockery, by the way! It's been a while. You must be from Jersey or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's OK because I missed the part where the OP said that so apologies are all mine. 

Of course I'm from Jersey, it's been a while because I was busy playing a small role where I guzzle beer and grind on men in clubs on the show Jersey Shore.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Trenton said:


> That's OK because I missed the part where the OP said that so apologies are all mine.
> 
> Of course I'm from Jersey, it's been a while because I was busy playing a small role where I guzzle beer and grind on men in clubs on the show Jersey Shore.


Awesome! Never watched that show before. Now I have to. I'll see if I can guess which one is you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Trenton said:


> That's OK because I missed the part where the OP said that so apologies are all mine.
> 
> Of course I'm from Jersey, it's been a while because I was busy playing a small role where I guzzle beer and grind on men in clubs on the show Jersey Shore.


What exit?


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## TRS (Aug 11, 2011)

I am a woman that is not in love with her husband. He honestly is a great man, and we are best friends. I don't love him, and I told him this. What did I expect for him to do with this information?
I wanted reassurance that our marriage was valid. I wanted passion... not the flowers and candy, but the take you right here on the kitchen counter kind. I wanted him to be masculine, to fight for my love. At no point was I considering cheating, we also have a daughter. There just needed to be a dynamic change in our relationship, I wanted him to take the reigns, I wanted to feel cherished, I wanted to for a day take a break from kids and jobs and household chores- and just be a woman swept off her feet. I wish you the best, but don't throw in the towel. Show her what an amazing man you can be!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Holy crap. The last thing I'd want to do with a man "i don't love" is have more babies to be tied to him.

Eesh. No way. When i was done with my ex (older daughter's father) I was done. I stopped my birth control and said, "Don't come near me."

I say just talk to her...try to understand what she is going through. Maybe she's overwhelmed.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> What exit?


Heh

98 Baby


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TRS said:


> I am a woman that is not in love with her husband. He honestly is a great man, and we are best friends. I don't love him, and I told him this. What did I expect for him to do with this information?
> I wanted reassurance that our marriage was valid. I wanted passion... not the flowers and candy, but the take you right here on the kitchen counter kind. I wanted him to be masculine, to fight for my love. At no point was I considering cheating, we also have a daughter. There just needed to be a dynamic change in our relationship, I wanted him to take the reigns, I wanted to feel cherished, I wanted to for a day take a break from kids and jobs and household chores- and just be a woman swept off her feet. I wish you the best, but don't throw in the towel. Show her what an amazing man you can be!


I understand what you want. BUT to me if a woman told me she did not love me, the last thing I would want to do would be to have sex with her or show he passion of any kind.

This touches on one of the most tragic things between men and women. Women who want to be loved passionately. I think many men want exactly that but for one reason or another don't undertsand that is what thier woman really wants and needs. If only men and women could relate their feelings to one another.

I think I would prefer a woman telling me she wanted me to take her right then and there instead of I don't love you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Heh
> 
> 98 Baby


LOL.

Ah the Garden State Parkway.

I grew up along I-95 27A


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

I don't understand, why does it always have to be an affair? People can fall out of love without OM/OW.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why else wound you leave the securty and stability of a good man and break your new kids family enless something was realigning her emotions?
There is definately an influence that is effecting the dynamics of the marriage. It may even be a toxic friend?


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## roamingmind (Jul 20, 2011)

There could be many factors --- the passion is gone, she is stressed out being a mom, she has a different perspective for life and different expectations --- or, as simple as she just falls out of love and she is being honest with her feeling. Affairs could happen as a result but it doesn't have to be the cause.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

roamingmind said:


> There could be many factors --- the passion is gone, she is stressed out being a mom, she has a different perspective for life and different expectations --- or, as simple as she just falls out of love and she is being honest with her feeling. Affairs could happen as a result but it doesn't have to be the cause.


Yea. I believe this. My husband told me he didn't love me 6 weeks ago. Now, as we're healing, he tells me it's all come back and he does love me, very much.

There was no other woman.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> I understand what you want. BUT to me if a woman told me she did not love me, the last thing I would want to do would be to have sex with her or show he passion of any kind.
> 
> This touches on one of the most tragic things between men and women. Women who want to be loved passionately. I think many men want exactly that but for one reason or another don't undertsand that is what thier woman really wants and needs. If only men and women could relate their feelings to one another.
> 
> I think I would prefer a woman telling me she wanted me to take her right then and there instead of I don't love you.



C'mon Entropy.

You know exactly why that is.

We love our moms - we put our wives on that same pedestal.

Who in the world ravishes someone they defer to like their mother?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> There could be many factors --- the passion is gone, she is stressed out being a mom, she has a different perspective for life and different expectations --- or, as simple as she just falls out of love and she is being honest with her feeling. Affairs could happen as a result but it doesn't have to be the cause.


There could. But statistics show that the majority of people who come up with this particular statement - I'm not in love with you - do so because another person has entered the picture, either emotionally or physically, and has caused the person to make a decision.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> C'mon Entropy.
> 
> You know exactly why that is.
> 
> ...


What if you don't love your mom? What if you didn't have a good mother?

I ask because my husband was abused by his mother...still is.

He loves me and ravishes me. I think it's weird to think of your wife/woman as your mother  I don't look at my husband like he's my father--- I ravish him when I can :smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

It's the first - and most significant - relationship a male has with a female.

It has deep submerged roots in the psyche of human men.

To have a satisfying relationship with a wife and/or SO, we need to "unlearn what we have learned" about deferring to the alpha female in our life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Conrad said:


> C'mon Entropy.
> 
> You know exactly why that is.
> 
> ...


You are referring to a Madonna Wh0re complex. True for many but I think it goes beyond that.
For some add to this a religious upbringing or just not growing up in a loving environment where parents show affection for each other. No example of a loving passionate relationship. Idunno. Maybe it amounts to the same thing.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm about 95% convinced my wife wants me dead. I don't care one way or the other. It's not as if she hasn't been angry and unpleasant for the last 2 or 3 decades. "Not in love with me...?" Does that mean you'll pack up your stuff and leave? No of course it won't.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

the guy said:


> Why else wound you leave the securty and stability of a good man and break your new kids family enless something was realigning her emotions?
> There is definately an influence that is effecting the dynamics of the marriage. It may even be a toxic friend?


1) Never in love at all in the first place, game over
2) Hates men
3) Want to be the "man" in the relationship, ie, compulsive obsessive over the great Dr Freud's pencil envy
4) That's what her mom did and her mom's mom before her
5) Hormonally induced personality disorder
6) Satanic possession
7) Believes all this feminist crap
8) Believes her husband is Satan
.
.
.


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