# should i hold out?



## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

A little back ground first. Im 26 been married 5 years...the wife is 23 we have a 3 year old together. Recentally the wife has started having many EA's with major sex talk. Some 2-3 at a time and all 1 right after another. I packed my bags and was heading out the door because of this when she stoped me and swore to never do it agian. Showed me proof that she was removing all of these guys from her past from her life bye deleted all contacts she had with them and even blocked a few though the cell phone company. Now 1 week later and she all over me like never before, sex almost every nite. Im loving it but in the back of my mind im thinking is this a fall out from the EA thing? Has my wife turned into someone who needs sex or sex chat constantlly and should i be giving in or holding out?


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Nice to know she stopped and showed you the proof. No givining in or holding out. You should have sex chats with your wife, instead. As a husband, she should turn to you for her emotional needs and you should fulfill her needs.
Don't let other men take care of your wife's needs for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

confussed husband said:


> A little back ground first. Im 26 been married 5 years...the wife is 23 we have a 3 year old together. Recentally the wife has started having many EA's with major sex talk. Some 2-3 at a time and all 1 right after another. I packed my bags and was heading out the door because of this when she stoped me and swore to never do it agian. Showed me proof that she was removing all of these guys from her past from her life bye deleted all contacts she had with them and even blocked a few though the cell phone company. Now 1 week later and she all over me like never before, sex almost every nite. Im loving it but *in the back of my mind im thinking is this a fall out from the EA thing? Has my wife turned into someone who needs sex or sex chat constantlly and should i be giving in or holding out*?


Of course this is the result of getting busted for her EA! She is trying to smoothe things over with you by f-cking your brains out. Its no better than a guy trying to buy a woman's foregiveness with new jewlery. The 2nd question is an iffy. Has she ever had any previous desires of "going there" with the sex talk? It may be one of those things she was always interested in, but feared you would not be, or you're too nice to engage in. Let her know you don't have a problem with this.

Btw, have her hand over ALL passwords and logins to cell phones, facebook, myspace, EVERYTHING! Then put a keylogger in on your computer. Trust, but verify...


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> Of course this is the result of getting busted for her EA! She is trying to smoothe things over with you by f-cking your brains out. Its no better than a guy trying to buy a woman's foregiveness with new jewlery. The 2nd question is an iffy. Has she ever had any previous desires of "going there" with the sex talk? It may be one of those things she was always interested in, but feared you would not be, or you're too nice to engage in. Let her know you don't have a problem with this.
> 
> Btw, have her hand over ALL passwords and logins to cell phones, facebook, myspace, EVERYTHING! Then put a keylogger in on your computer. Trust, but verify...


well i took your advice she gave up the passwords and logins easy, keylogger was installed on her pc and to date nothing is showing up other then where we talk. However a new problem has arisen. I have 4 friends who i do everything with the other day one of my friends got kicked outta his home, i told him to come stay with us for awhile, he sayed for 3 days durning this time the wife settled down on the sex, she also settled down on everything else started watching alot of TV and hanging outside with me and my friend. I dont know if its just me or what but she also seemed to forget something for supper every nite and remember as she was cooking thus im heading to the store to get it. This morning my friend told me he talked to one of my other friends and that he was gonna go stay with him because the guy had got him a job at his work, i had 2 hrs before i had to head to work myself so i planed to take him to my buddys house, my wife however insisted on letting him wash up his cloths and all before he left and she would take him to my friends while i was at work. Im starting to think that maybe theres something going on here should i be worried? Could i have forced her into a PA bye shutting off her EA's?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Don't take the blame for the choices your wife makes. I smell something awfully fishy, too, but it is not your fault. As was stated before, you really have to find out what you need to do to meet your wife's needs. On the other hand, I think I would have a chat with the friend and the wife about the suspicions. Maybe they will fold under the pressure. If you get anything out those conversations, you have a choice to make. You can leave or you can set some boundaries with your wife, start working on yourself and make some changes that can possibly change your wife's desire to stray. The fact that she has done these things are not the problem. They are a sign that there was already a problem. You need to have a talk with her and try to work through those issues. There are tons of people here who could probably give you some very good advice compared to what i've said but this is only my opinion. You have a tough road ahead....


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

when the wife told me that she wanted to take him to my friends i told her how funny it looked, and i brought my suspicions up to her about it. She laughed them off said everytime i would leave my buddy would go off into his own little world wouldnt say 2 words till i got back...havent had a chance to talk to my friend yet i wanna do it alone and for the last few days i havent been able to do that with out the wife up under us. Ill problly call him later tonight and talk with him about it.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

i called my buddy that the other friend was staying with about 30 min ago...he said that my other friend was gone to the park and would be back later, called my wife and she has taken the kid the to the park i havent told her yet that i know my friend was also at the park now im more confussed then ever.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I don't think there is much to be confused about. Something is definitely up. Why don't you go to the park?


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> I don't think there is much to be confused about. Something is definitely up. Why don't you go to the park?


im currentlly at work dont get off for another hr.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go with your gut. You know there someting going on you just don't want to believe it.
Your wife is way to horny to let this oppertunity go by, she is getting some so please take back control and protect your family.
She needs some so give it to her and don't hold back. Right now its just sex for her, don't let her get emotionaly attached to this friend.

It sound like she loves you but also loves sex, so by no means should you hold out. That is one thing that will push her away. Give her the sex but man up and take control of your family and as a man of the house stop tolorating her behavior. Show her a confidentand dominant man that know what he want and will not take any crap. Believe it or not some women need that dominant behavior, your wife wants to feel safe with a confident man that has control of things.

I believe she has no emotional connection to your friend or any other of these guys, so the both of you need to break it off with this so called friend and start having sex. Sex is the glue that will hold this marraige together.

One more thing, she an addict so go get her some help, and never ever let another man around your horny little wife again. Also be careful WW will manage you (lots of affection) in order to throw you off that there still cheating so keep a close eye on her.

I say give her wait she needs or someone else will.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I think I'm too late, but I hope you don't confront her yet. She will deny. Give her space, let her lie, spy, let her trip herself up. If you confront her now, you have no proof and you're a pathetic, controlling psycho. Give her some rope. Let her hang herself with it.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

i confronted her, she admitted he came to the park with her and that she took him to the store when she left. We had a big fight over the issue she says im looking into it too much because of my past trust issues. Told me i called her too much yesterday. I problly called her problly 10-15 times yes but what you expect when you call your wife who is at the park with the kid and all you get is Hey love you goodbye.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When ever my cheating wife ever throw the trust issue in my face I simply pull up and print out the evidence I have gathered and set it front of her. That shuts her up.

It sound like she still has the control, I recommend you stop all that calling the next time. Remember it his her responsiblity to call you and maintain a constant contact with you.

If she won't take the responsibility of regaining your trust by simply picking up the cell and checking in (often) then you need to remind her that you do have boundries now and will move on. Inform her that the days of tolorating her old behavior are over and you and the family diserve to be happy. She is so unwilling to take *action* and behave appropreite. You have to stand up and let her know that that your trust issue will continue due to her current behavior.

I have had to explain this time and time again to my W and it was got to the point were I have to reminder her of her past by showing her this evidence. 

Granted she is now well aware of my action and recently she has beed more willing to listen to why I have these issue rather then having old memories brought back out.

Back to your W ..... It sound as if she thinks you won't take any act when she steps out of line. I suggest you look into the 180 and showing her and not telling her that you *can* move on with out her.
The tough part is balancing the 180 and having sex, mabey I should recant my last post and hold out on the sex thing. IDK it just seems she is not taking you serious and is not providing what you need to heal. 
The main thing here is next time that trust issue is brought up throw it back at her, it her responsibilty to rebuild that or else!


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

I got my friend alone and talked to him today. well it just came out that not only did he meet up with her at the park she seen him walking and picked him up otw. I found out though that he did go to the park for a good reason he met up with someone for job interview (ive confirmed this) and the wife did have the kid at the play area, but now my friend told me he didnt think he would get the job and the guy he was staying with told him he couldnt stay there till he had a job to help with bills and i told him "SORRY".... me and the wife talked this morning, she said she was sorry didnt relize the things she was doing when he stayed with us said she felt like she had a new shiny toy and 3 hrs later she found out he was on the street and now im being pushed to let him stay another week while he tries to get a job...I PUT MY FOOT DOWN...i have the option this week due to someone being on vacation to work 8+hrs from the 4th-18th was told to take as many days as i wanted..i told the wife if you want him to come stay let him...ill work that whole time and stay in the nearbye hotal instead of coming home. I got a fine whatever just drop im trying to do the christan thing, and i once agian took your advice guy and stood my ground and told her the bible says familly comes first. Thanks for the help you where right i need to stand my ground on issues, i dont wanna control her but this is going too far.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

There is nothing wrong with control but with it comes resposablity. So take it and control your life, control her and control your family. You and and only you have that right as husband and father, the right to protect and serve your marriage & family the best way you can.

You are the man of your castle and if she wants to be the queen then she also has her responsibilities. Always remember, she has the choice to be part of it of leave. You can't control her but you can control what you will and will not tolorate.
You have set your 1st boundry my friend, so what is your next boundry that you will never ever negotiate or back down from?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ch,
one more thing, very important here. Do not say thing you do not mean. Damn it man I know you don't want this "friend" in your house and you sure as hell don't want to stay in a hotel and pay the bills while your wife and "friend are in your bed, so please promise me you will stop that kind of talk.

Hold your emotion in check and think before you speak from now on. This practice has gotten me through some hair sh*t with the misses. Back in the day, I like you said somethings I didn't mean and I have paid the price because of it.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

thats the thing the wife's name is on the lesse the power is also in her name, thus although i split the bills with her i know i cant legally tell her to get out, no i dont want my wife and my friend in bed while im in a hotel but she kinda has me bye the balls atm.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well the main point is the attidude, the confidence that...no she doesn't have you by the balls and you still can control what you will tolorate and you still can set boundries as her husband.
Granted this friend can move in but can he pay the bills? I think our on a roll and you've but your foot down, now stick with it. So get unconfussed and communicate with her.

You both have responsablities in making this marriage work, and just because she has her name on the lease doesn't mean you have to share your wife, or she she can do what she want. Considerations need to be made or why bother? I quess for the kids but what exactly are the both of you doing in showing an example on how a health marriage is worked. She hasn't been the best role model.

IDK it amazes me that women want the independents and control but when it come down to it they need the validation and security of a man, and in our case any man.
Damned if you do and damned if you doen't. 
I just think you get more respect by being an [email protected]@ hole then you do being a doormat, and with that you have to balance it all out with also being caring.
Marriage can be a b*tch, now throw infidelity into the mix and its hell. But when you can find the balance, marraige works.

So are you going to hold out or give it to her like never before?


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

untill this matter is dropped and the issue is dead and the friend is a rement of both our imagination she has toys...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lol you know whats best... I'm just here to give my perspective.

I hope it all works out. It was hell for me and I'm so glad that the last 14 months are behind me.

I'm aslo glad that you put your foot down, its a good feeling?


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

yes its a great feeling, i put my foot down and pured my heart out, maybe theres nothing going on and maybe there is but atm its too soon after all the EA's for me to even bother and she has to understand that. She wants trust she has to earn it, i wanna trust her but you are right i have to let her earn that trust instead of me trying to check up i have to let her check in and show she wants me to to trust her as bad as i wanna trust her.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

well i put my foot down...i told her him or me if she didnt stop contact i was walking out that door...i didnt get the chance, before we got home she had her daddy and the law waiting so she could pack her bags and leave. Now though all the confussion i found out that there might not have been nothing going on at all but i just lost my son and wife over this. Im confussed now more then ever i want my wife back and im so willing to take her back that i would allow massiave EA's and to be ran over like im worthless. I just want her back with my son, i cant even stay in my own house because i cant stand the silance of not having a 3 year old run around. I would do anything to find a way to get her to forgive me anyone have any advice?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

OK dude. I've never lost my wife and kids (although I'm close), so I'm probably not good at advice here. But in a few years you'll be happy that this all happened while you're kid is too young to remember losing you (I have experience there, never had a dad at home so I never missed it as much as I probably should have), and you're young enough to start over.

Here it is for you.

1 - You're wife married too young. She made up for it by commiting serious infidelity online. That is the exact same as physical infidelity.
2 - You confronted her, forgave her and moved on.
3 - She immediately started questionable behavior again.
4 - When you tried to nip that, you were greeted the police at your door.

Let her go. Do not go crying back to her. And make sure her Dad, who I'm doubting was an impartial bystander, knows what led to this. Multiple internet affairs going on simultaneously. Graphic sex talk involved (give him examples). And after you confronted her and she promissed she'd stop, she quickly started some questionable behavior. Right now all he thinks is that you're a controlling freak that won't give his daughter any space (I warned you too late on that one. Sorry).


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

about number 2 from that list...well i did confront her but every chance i had i tossed it back in her face...so thats really not forgiveness. My eyes are open wide now and i seen mistakes ive made, anger, yelling instead of talking ect. So here i stand i hold something that needs to change im trying to talk to her for the sake of the child to give us one more chance and show each other that we can change for the better and make this work like we once did. yes my wife married too young but why do i have to suffer for a choice she made just because im a guy who cant afford to go 100miles to see his child.

the night before the split up i layed in her arms and she in mine and there was nothing but us in the world thats all that mattered. How can you go from that to this in 24hrs and believe theres nothing there worth saving?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm sorry your wife has chosen the OM. Now you know exactly were she stands and even thought you suffer the pain of losing your cheating wife...you no longer have to deal with her lies. 

It hurts now but do you realy want to share your wife or do you want to take this oppertunity to find some one that has the respect and addmiration for only you and to only be with you and needs no other. 

You diserve better, you stood up and made the stand you needed to make for your self.

Do not contact her and until she wants only you and no other do not take her back. Be strong you did the right thing by standing up and refusing to be played by her. Remember show her the confidence that you can and will move on and you will no longer be her doormat for her to wipe her feet on as she does what ever the hell she wants...again you diserve better...a women that will love you back.


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## confussed husband (Mar 26, 2011)

well yet agian im still her doormat form 70 miles away...today i asked if i could come get my son tommarow for a day or 2 then bring him back since its really over. i got a easy yeah i told you im not gonna keep him away from you...a hr later after im excited about this i get a NO i dont think im ready for that yet...


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