# I am type B AND Wife is type A personality



## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

Hi, 

Me and my wife just had our (uneventful) 14 year wedding anniversary and have recently had some issues we have been working through (Wife had a EA). As the title of the thread states, I am type B and my Wife is a type A personality.... this is nothing new and have dealt with the issues with this since we married. But thought I would bring it up since I found this site and it makes It nice to get other views on stuff.

My Wife is the typical type A and I am very passive... but for some reason, lately this has been really bothering me, just mainly the way she treats me. Anything I do is never good enough or never enough. Anymore it just feels like im still here to pay the bills and help taxi the kids to school and sports.

I guess what im getting at, is would it make a difference or help to be more standoffish or turn a 180 and always go after her when she attacks me? We are in the process of selling our house and she of course is wanting bigger and better. I am happy I guess with our marriage I think once I can get past the EA, but in the back of my mind, I think of moving into a bigger house with more on the line and me not being 100% completely happy with our relationship. 

I have to admit, between the way she treats me at times and discovering the EA which I still monitor everything she does...sometimes I think its a bad Idea to move forward in this direction.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

are you sure the EA didn't go physical? if so, why are you sure? if the two of them had any physical proximity I think you should treat it, and treat her, as if she had sex with him. this despite any protestation her little 'type A' personality has to offer.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I wouldn't worry too much about the type A type B stuff and would be more concerned about her affair. Any more details on this ? When did she start and how long ? Who initiated ? How did you catch her/them ? Do the kids or family or friends know ? How did she respond when you caught her ? What kind of remorse has she shown ? I suspect the answers to these and other related questions will shed more light on how she treats you.


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

I had wrote a deal in the coping with infidelity a while back, but shorter story is...

Back around Christmas time I had a weird feeling something just wasn't right and started to see the changes in front of me (started locking her phone, charging it by her side of the bed. etc.) 
So then I overlooked her getting in her phone and used the code to see what was going on. She works at a smaller family owned company where everyone is fairly close and such. But I came upon text messages from a guy which happens to be the owner of the companies son. The texts were mainly flirting banter and such, My wife commented on how he looked cute at the Christmas party which I was told I couldn't go to this year because of a change of venue and only employees were going. (RED FLAG) A lot of the texts were when my wife and daughter went on my daughters soccer trip and me and my son had to stay at home because I was swamped with work. She texted him daily with a goodnight every night.

Most of the texting was not terrible or sexual, but the vibe I got from them is my wife was ready to do something and basically putting that out there in a round about way. There was also a gift exchange at her work which my wife and this guy went shopping together for gifts and I read that she actually bought him cologne for a private or separate gift.

After all of this was discovered, I asked her 2 weeks later what was going on with our marriage. I didn't bring up the texts at this time...
She basically said she hasn't been happy with me for the last 2 years and we needed to work on things. ( I own a small construction company and things can be very stressful in all ways)

I have always provided for my family and never been in any major hardships. During this conversation I asked her if there was anyone else or anything she needed to tell me and she said there wasn't.

A few weeks later I confronted her about it all, she played it off as just texts, there just friends and nothing more.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Shopping together? Woman here. This is similar to courting days. Wake up! Her relationship has gone physical. She told you that she has not been happy for the past two years. Her activities are red flags. She has not given up her affair. She wants a bigger and better house? She needs to get a job herself and pay for this house. Perhaps, she won't have the time to nurture an affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why are you putting more crap on your back when the chick your with just wants nothing but money?

She screwed around on you and rewarding her is going to make her moral compass correct it's self?

BAd behavior continues with out consequences and yet she is making the calls with regards to pushing this house deal through?

Maybe I'm wrong and you want the big house, the hot wife and all the fixings?

If you have to stand up to your old lady then you got the wrong old lady!

I suggest you find a women that can stand beside you and not in front of you or behind you!


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> Shopping together? Woman here. This is similar to courting days. Wake up! Her relationship has gone physical. She told you that she has not been happy for the past two years. Her activities are red flags. She has not given up her affair. She wants a bigger and better house? She needs to get a job herself and pay for this house. Perhaps, she won't have the time to nurture an affair.


She has a job... she works with the guy in the texts.


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

The Guy: I wouldn't mind a bigger house.... but I am happy in the one we have. The reason I brought all of this up is if I have I have any second thoughts in the back of my head that this marriage is truly doomed and there is no fixing it, than putting a bigger house in the mix just makes things worse.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Abel402 said:


> She basically said she hasn't been happy with me for the last 2 years and we needed to work on things.


You can't work on things when there is a 3rd party involved.
Let her know you want to make her happy and if you are not up to the task then you can let her go.

Just let her go

She has found a replacement and you can't compete so stop trying. Her new boy friend doesn't have to compete it's easy and new love is way more exciting so please let her go...it just might save your marriage.

Be that confident guy she met so many years ago. Chicks dig confident guys. Wish her the best and let her know you will not share her with another man and will not control her...just like what she is doing you to can find someone that wants to be with you.

Her reality is an affair fog of rainbows and unicorns...it's time to show her her new reality by letting her go. Why stay with someone for 2 years?

Wish her the best and just let her go. It just might save your marriage.

Plus once the other man realizes she is his problem now that rainbow and unicorns will go away as fast as they came around.

Who wants to listen to some chick complain about their ex husband...it was way more exciting when ity was taboo, a secret, a thrill!!!

That's all over now...Just let her go!

You just might be able to save this marriage once your old lady starts to second guess her choices.

If you can get her to think twice about what she is losing you might have a chance.

But for now...as long as there is a 3rd party in the marriage the marriage is toast.

Disangage and show her the indifference she diserves, then maybe she will see you are no longer her plan B if this new guy doesn't work out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Abel402 said:


> The Guy: I wouldn't mind a bigger house.... but I am happy in the one we have. The reason I brought all of this up is if I have I have any second thoughts in the back of my head that this marriage is truly doomed and there is no fixing it, than putting a bigger house in the mix just makes things worse.


The marriage may not be doomed.

Lets work on the huge marriage issues 1st before you move on to bigger and better things.

Wait on the house...she will either stand by you or not.

And that my friend says alot!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Abel402;12524266
A few weeks later I confronted her about it all said:


> Upper left hand corner of my post will tell you how long I have been here since my old lady phucked around on me.
> 
> I read this all the time....you are a poster child for a betrayed husband.
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have been down this road, don't get any more invested emotionaly or finacialy then you already are.

Do the research investigate her true intentions and make sure her agenda doesn't include this coworker or anyone else.

Funny thing about this crap is when you really go James Bond on her it most likely isn't even the coworker but some other POS guy.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If I was your loan guy i would look so far up your @ss to make sure I wasn't going to get burned.....i suggest you do the same with your old lady.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Abel,

This is just at a quick glance...but I think you are used to sublimating or burying your feelings...and I think you are really divided over moving and the marriage because there really has been no reconciliation or honesty over the EA...thus no resolution and closure with the matter. Add in the fact that your wife is treating you poorly...and you have every reason to be dragging your heels with moving or investing into more risk in case things fall apart (and why wouldn't things fall apart?).

However, my guess is that you haven't revealed your reluctance outwardly to your wife or TRULY PUT OUT THERE that how she treats you, emotionally bullies you, and still expects you to meet her demands...that it is intolerable.

In fact, this whole time you have been lying to yourself about how tolerable it is...yet inwardly, you are screaming about how intolerable and crazy it is to move forwrd in a marriage with a wife you treats you like spit and feels okay with lying to you about the affair.

I am not going to tell you what you should do...except STOP IGNORING what your gut is telling you. 

You said: "*I am happy I guess* with our marriage *I think* once I can get past the EA, *but* in the back of my mind, I think of moving into a bigger house with more on the line and *me not being 100% completely happy with our relationship*." 

Dude, it is okay to be honest with yourself. Get some clarity about what you really feel...because that will tell you exactly where you are at...and the first step of getting un-lost is to know where you stand and what you want to do about it. If you go blank or just bury things when she is around, you are doing it wrong.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Abel402 said:


> 1) My Wife is the typical type A and I am very passive...
> 
> _Like many doormats in CWI_
> 
> ...





> She texted him daily with a goodnight every night.


She sees him as her true husband...

Many OP's end up having no sex because the WW is not wanting to betray OM...That may be were you are heading.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Absolutely do not invest in a larger and more expensive house. Invest that money into fixing your relationship. Investigate her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Abel402 said:


> *I am type B and my Wife is a type A personality.... this is nothing new and have dealt with the issues with this since we married.*
> 
> *I am very passive... but for some reason, lately this has been really bothering me, just mainly the way she treats me. Anything I do is never good enough or never enough. Anymore it just feels like im still here to pay the bills and help taxi the kids to school and sports.*
> 
> *I have to admit, between the way she treats me at times and discovering the EA which I still monitor everything she does...sometimes I think its a bad Idea to move forward in this direction.*


You've been here a while. Have you had time to browse these yet?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy


BTW, What do you want to be? Hall monitor or husband?


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The problem here is one of placement.

Man 1: (The other guy) a brash jerk off uncaring of others, and interested mostly himself, and having a willing female to use for sex. Poor with money, but enjoys having a good time, and eyeing the ladies.

Man 2: (You) Not overly confident, flashy, or full of hollow compliments to achieve sex. A reasonable, and responsible man that cares for his family, and supports them before thinking of himself.

Whichever man your wife might be married to, she would focus upon his shortcomings, and desire the qualities of the other man.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Stop the sell of the house if you can. Unless you are under contract, do not allow any excuse to push this forward. Who cares if she is "embarrassed" b/c the neighbors might wonder why the sudden shift in plans? Call the realtor, cancel that obligation (you cannot sell on your own or with another realtor for whatever period of time was in your contract with the agent, but again, who cares?) Pull up the sign. This is one time that a unilateral action needs to be made b/c you are very correct in assuming that moving forward on a house sale/new purchase will be a very lousy background to trying to work on the marriage. And if you can't stop the sale, insist on renting until the marital issues are resolved. Do not buy that bigger house! 

Insist on counseling. If she won't go--does not matter what she gives as a reason--the marriage is done. She's too far gone (unhappy with you and/or obsessed with OM) and you do not need to waste anytime arguing or trying to convince her. Start the movement toward divorce as soon as you are ready--you should be going to counseling with or without her. 

The 180 will help, but do not do it thinking it will bring her back--if she really isn't too far gone, it might, but don't count on it. The 180 is to help you prepare for the future.

I was so much happier after my divorce that it would be easy for me to always recommend it, but I don't. It can be so hard on the kids, so hard to "do it right" for their sake. And that is a huge part of what you will need to focus on-not "punishing" her financially or otherwise (be fair, for the kids' sakes, but no more and no less. Remember that being a bad wife does not make her a bad mother). 

Be sure to make the decision with your eyes wide open to the possibility of continuing to be single forever. It's the only way to be more certain that where you are going is better than where you are. Sure, you might remarry, but if you are too frightened of being alone, then you will be at risk of making a bad choice again and making things worse for your kids. Better the devil you know than the one you don't--better to be single than live with either, of course, but not everyone can bring themselves to feel that way.

I hope that your serious actions shake some sense into her--and they might. Just be ready, emotionally, if they don't.

Good luck.


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