# Should I stay married?



## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

Constantly fighting and arguing. We can't agree on anything. I'm unhappy more than I'm happy...all during a period in my life where I'm questioning my mental health. Not sure what to do.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Simply not enough information to form any sort of accurate opinion and therefore advice.


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> 
> Simply not enough information to form any sort of accurate opinion and therefore advice.




What information would one require to give such an opinion?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Why are you constantly fighting? Why are you questioning your mental health? What has caused the breakdown in the relationship since I have to assume that you once "loved" each other in order to wed? How old are you and he/she? Do you desire to try and save the marriage? Does he/she? Any information you provide will help in assessing whether you should try and save the marriage or simply move on.


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

NoChoice said:


> Why are you constantly fighting? Why are you questioning your mental health? What has caused the breakdown in the relationship since I have to assume that you once "loved" each other in order to wed? How old are you and he/she? Do you desire to try and save the marriage? Does he/she? Any information you provide will help in assessing whether you should try and save the marriage or simply move on.



Lately, we just aren't agreeing on anything and fight over everything. I think we are both constantly on edge. We don't do anything together anymore. Part of my mental health issues are a result of our marriage (or lack there of). Outside stressors are part of the reason for the disconnect. We are both in our mid 30's and have been in love for many years. 

Overall, I don't know if he's feeling the same way or not. I definitely am not happy anymore. 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

What are the reasons not to leave?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

uhtred said:


> What are the reasons not to leave?




Love and the desire not to give up on us.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have more questions too. The more info you can provide the better advice we can give. 

What have you each done to improve things? How is your communication? Have you poured out your heart to him? Do you have kids? Are you being treated by a doctor for your depression? If you are, have you been in recently to let them know you are feeling worse? 

Ultimately, what do you want? What does your husband want?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

Spicy said:


> I have more questions too. The more info you can provide the better advice we can give.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don't think either of us have attempted to even acknowledge together that there's a problem, so it hasn't been addressed as a couple. Our communication is horrible. We did have kids and I am being treated. It's getting worse and I'll be communicating the issues with my doctor tomorrow actually. 
As far as I know, my husband wants the marriage to work....


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
All other issues aside I can tell you this, happiness can only be found within. It cannot be supplied by anyone or anything, only you. Outside influences can affect our comfort but our happiness comes from inside each of us. The biggest deterrent to having happiness is having want. It is nearly impossible to be happy when you are always wanting more, what you do not have. Contentment and happiness are inexorably linked.

To quote Sheryl Crow, "life's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you've got".


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

StayStrong2513 said:


> I don't think either of us have attempted to even acknowledge together that there's a problem, so it hasn't been addressed as a couple. Our communication is horrible. We did have kids and I am being treated. It's getting worse and I'll be communicating the issues with my doctor tomorrow actually.
> As far as I know, my husband wants the marriage to work....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Meant we don't have kids sorry


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to have a sit down with your husband, and let him know how you are feeling.

It sounds like you all would benefit doing marriage counseling if you both want the marriage to work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you give us an example of your two most recent fights/arguments? What were they about and how did they go down? Who started it, was there yelling? What was said?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

... and why have you stopped doing things together? Can you start doing things together again?

Contrary to the old cliche, absence usually does not make the heart grow fonder.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sweetheart, I am sorry for your pain and your struggling. I am glad you are going to talk with your doctor tomorrow. 
After that, perhaps you and your husband can go on a weekend away together and you can tell him you need to talk and get this all out in the air. He can't try to not lose you if he doesn't even know that it is a possibility.

As women, we many times let our unhappiness with our spouses build and grow for a very long time. Then, boom, we are done. Sadly, when we get to that point, it's hard to go backwards. Please at least let him know how you are feeling, that you are so unhappy in the marriage you are considering divorce. He deserves a warning. Marriage counseling may be able to help you both a lot too.

Please keep posting here with us, we will be happy to help anyway we can. Welcome to TAM and I hope you get to feeling better soon. Cyber HUG!:x


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

Spicy said:


> Sweetheart, I am sorry for your pain and your struggling. I am glad you are going to talk with your doctor tomorrow.
> 
> After that, perhaps you and your husband can go on a weekend away together and you can tell him you need to talk and get this all out in the air. He can't try to not lose you if he doesn't even know that it is a possibility.
> 
> ...




Appreciate the kind words and suggestion. FYI We are a gay couple, both men.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> All other issues aside I can tell you this, happiness can only be found within. *It cannot be supplied by anyone or anything, only you.* Outside influences can affect our comfort but our happiness comes from inside each of us. The biggest deterrent to having happiness is having want. It is nearly impossible to be happy when you are always wanting more, what you do not have. Contentment and happiness are inexorably linked.
> 
> To quote Sheryl Crow, "life's not about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you've got".


I agree with this post except for highlighted part.

Only you can make yourself happy...OK
But, other people can sure make you unhappy, Eh?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

StayStrong2513 said:


> Constantly fighting and arguing. We can't agree on anything. I'm unhappy more than I'm happy...


These are common situations in many marriages, actually. There are inevitably periods (sometimes long periods) of fighting, troubled compromises, and more unhappiness than happiness in marriage. If you leave this marriage thinking "the grass is greener" elsewhere, it can lead to finding the same circumstances in a new relationship. 

Divorce is rarely the ideal cure to remedy general unhappiness in a marriage, and in order to know if divorce is right, you must understand the root cause of the problem, not just the problem's symptoms. I would encourage you to speak with your husband to try to understand what he feels is wrong; likewise, you must tell him what's making you unhappy. 

If the two of you can't communicate effectively about your marital problems, marriage counseling (and even independent counseling) could be very beneficial. An outside, neutral 3rd-party can facilitate better communication between husband and wife (MC), and drive introspection (MC & IC). Hope this helps... good luck!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

StayStrong2513 said:


> Appreciate the kind words and suggestion. FYI We are a gay couple, both men.


Oops, my bad! My message to you would be the same, other than I would change that one sentenace to start "As women and men" lol


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Perhaps if you have started to live lives which are like ships in he night, you have lost your connection. One of you is pursuing, one of you is distancing? This will cause fights.
It might be an idea to step back and only deal with non relationship topics.
Go for coffee, for dinner, a weekend away etc.
Are you both working? 
Perhaps there are real and deeper issues at play, if so you need MC


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> I agree with this post except for highlighted part.
> 
> Only you can make yourself happy...OK
> But, other people can sure make you unhappy, Eh?


Only in as much as we allow them to my friend. Our want of them gives them the power for without it they are merely an acquaintance we care little about.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm not going to ask if you love each other, my question is do you like each other as people? 

If you like and respect each other I think the marriage is worth working on. After all you did love each other enough to marry so maybe life just knocked you off track a bit and you can straighten things out.

If each of you have grown in opposite directions and your day to day life and philosophies aren't in sync then why suffer? I more than understand the obligation and commitment made when people marry, but sometimes we screw up and marry the wrong person. It should be OK to walk away from that and find happiness.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StayStrong2513 said:


> Lately, we just aren't agreeing on anything and fight over everything. I think we are both constantly on edge. We don't do anything together anymore. Part of my mental health issues are a result of our marriage (or lack there of). *Outside stressors are part of the reason for the disconnect.* We are both in our mid 30's and have been in love for many years.
> 
> Overall, I don't know if he's feeling the same way or not. I definitely am not happy anymore.


Like what?

And did you mean "haven't been in love"?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

aine said:


> Perhaps if you have started to live lives which are like ships in he night, you have lost your connection. One of you is pursuing, one of you is distancing? This will cause fights.
> 
> It might be an idea to step back and only deal with non relationship topics.
> 
> ...




Thanks for the comment. What does MC mean?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Like what?
> 
> 
> 
> And did you mean "haven't been in love"?




I don't want to share details of the things that are causing stress and no, I didn't mean haven't been in love. We HAVE been in love for many years, thus the reason we married.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir, if you are questioning your mental health, then by all means, schedule an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist, and find out. Then you can address your marital difficulties. You must work on yourself first before you address your marriage. No marriage will work if one of the parties is mentally/emotionally impaired.


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Sir, if you are questioning your mental health, then by all means, schedule an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist, and find out. Then you can address your marital difficulties. You must work on yourself first before you address your marriage. No marriage will work if one of the parties is mentally/emotionally impaired.




I think this is probably the best advice I've received. I am already in the process of addressing my mental health issues. Thank you. 


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StayStrong2513 said:


> *I don't want to share details of the things that are causing stress* and no, I didn't mean haven't been in love. We HAVE been in love for many years, thus the reason we married.


Then how much help can you really expect to get here?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Then how much help can you really expect to get here?




I've already got the help, thanks though.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StayStrong2513 said:


> I've already got the help, thanks though.


You needed someone to tell you "get your head straight"?


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## StayStrong2513 (May 9, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> You needed someone to tell you "get your head straight"?




No. I'm receiving help outside of this forum. Does that answer have your approval? Why do you sound so negative?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

StayStrong2513 said:


> No. I'm receiving help outside of this forum. Does that answer have your approval? Why do you sound so negative?


Is a need for external validation one of the "stressors" in your marriage?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

We all came here at one time or another most likely for help in our marriage. We posted our first question and sat back to wait and see what happened. We dipped a toe in the water. Some of us liked the temperature and dove in, some run away immediately because the water is too hot or too cold with the replies they get, and still others open up more and more over time as they get used to the water. We are all very different. That makes us a great community. 

A new poster has every right to supply as much or as little info as they want to. They have to keep in mind this is a public forum, and as we have seen before, posters who share too many details can be identified. MOST people want the anonymity. If a poster opts for minimal information shared, they are told they will get minimal help because we can't gather enough info TO help. Most (as with this gentlemen OP) give us answers and we can start to help. If we have nothing helpful to say, sometimes scilence is a good option.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*This is a question that would be far better suited for your IC(Individual Counselor)to answer, as their probability of knowing the "real you" is so much more enhanced!

If you're not actively participating in the counseling process, then I would wholeheartedly recommend that option to you!

Best of luck to you!*


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