# Revenge ???



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

So we re a year past D day and things are going good . . . but I feel angry that I ve not been able to get any payback on OW.
I know her cell number, her workplace, her home address and have her profile on my FB page (should change careers to P I )
I m struggling with this - do I go for revenge or do I walk away ?
The Karma bus has visited her but yet that s not my doing. She s ill (cancer) but she was ill having the A with my husband . He says as a result of the A she has lost friends and a chunk of her support network but again nothing to do with me . . . 
How to get over this hurdle ? Any advice welcome


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

REALLY?????????

Are you that kind of person? Do want to be that evil and stoop to "thier" level?

Stop letting this crap define you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I suggest everytime these thought enter you head, tell your self "I diserve good things" and repeat it time and again. It helped me when I was going thru this crap. So again force those thoughts out with a statement of affirmation or a montra that will replace the negitive thought with a positive thought.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

the guy said:


> REALLY?????????
> 
> Are you that kind of person? Do want to be that evil and stoop to "thier" level?
> 
> Stop letting this crap define you.


This....revenge is never a good thing.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't try to get revenge. Stop looking her up and trying to find out things about her.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

May not be what you want to hear but, let it go...


Glad you R is going well, that's great to hear. I am 12 weeks past Dday and so far so good. YOu may want to post on my "reconciliation" thread about how you two are doing and how your working on R. It's good to hear someone who is a year into this. You could really help others.

Sorry this anger is eating you up, but you really do need to let it go for your own good, and for the overall good of your marriage.

I am no at all concerned about the xOM, never reall have been. Guess I am lucky or just havn't hit that phase yet?


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## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

I'm not nearly as far along as you choco, but I, too, have the same thoughts. I fully expect the karma bus to flatten my STBxW and the OM. What I've found cathartic is to spend a lot of time thinking about various ways to really put the screws to them both, imagining the consequences, and then never actually DOING any of it. That gets you about 80% of the pleasure with zero percent of the risk of going to jail... ;-)

BFF


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I've said before about fantasies of mine about kidnapping OM and taking him into the middle of the woods and have him stand in his future grave and then slowly torture him by peeling his skin off, etc


but it's faded, I still don't ever wish to actually run into the guy as I don't honestly know how I would react


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> REALLY?????????
> 
> Are you that kind of person? Do want to be that evil and stoop to "thier" level?
> 
> Stop letting this crap define you.



Thanks, nothing like a good kick in the butt evry now and then - seriously you re right. I guess sometimes you just can t see the wood for the trees.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

betrayed1 said:


> May not be what you want to hear but, let it go...
> 
> 
> Glad you R is going well, that's great to hear. I am 12 weeks past Dday and so far so good. YOu may want to post on my "reconciliation" thread about how you two are doing and how your working on R. It's good to hear someone who is a year into this. You could really help others.
> ...


I ve never really thought of myself as being a revengful? person but the fact that she came along , had her fun and left with no sort of payback sticks in my throat (although she had a lot more feelings for my H than he realised and thought he was going to leave me for her . She had started planning a life for the pair of them and on D Day he sent her a text telling her I had found out and that he had to finish it. Would so love to have been a fly on the wall that day)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ilovechocolate said:


> Thanks, nothing like a good kick in the butt evry now and then - seriously you re right. I guess sometimes you just can t see the wood for the trees.


The only thing your going to find in the woods is Almostrecovered peeling skin off some guy screaming his brains out.:lol:


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> The only thing your going to find in the woods is Almostrecovered peeling skin off some guy screaming his brains out.:lol:


I ll bring the salt


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I've said before about fantasies of mine about kidnapping OM and taking him into the middle of the woods and have him stand in his future grave and then slowly torture him by peeling his skin off, etc
> 
> 
> but it's faded, I still don't ever wish to actually run into the guy as I don't honestly know how I would react


:iagree:

I've had my revenge fantasies too. Mine either involved beating the crap out of him to hitting him with OC spray in the eyes, the one we use with a heating rating of 5.2 million SHUs. That hurts worse than getting beat, and hurts worse than getting tazed. Although I do imagine tazing him repeatedly.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

You should inject them with Stonefish venom. I think that would be better than flaying skin!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> REALLY?????????
> 
> Are you that kind of person? Do want to be that evil and stoop to "thier" level?
> 
> Stop letting this crap define you.


I agree with this. You're a year removed and the reconciliation is going well. 

I know the thoughts you have that go through your head. I know the owner of the place where the OM works, and could have had him fired - he has no resources to fall back on, but at the end of the day I know that won't heal the hurt i feel. 

Just embrace your reconciliation and let those feelings go, otherwise theyll just eat at you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> So we re a year past D day and things are going good . . . but I feel angry that I ve not been able to get any payback on OW.
> I know her cell number, her workplace, her home address and have her profile on my FB page (should change careers to P I )
> I m struggling with this - do I go for revenge or do I walk away ?
> The Karma bus has visited her but yet that s not my doing. She s ill (cancer) but she was ill having the A with my husband . He says as a result of the A she has lost friends and a chunk of her support network but again nothing to do with me . . .
> How to get over this hurdle ? Any advice welcome


Did you inform the OW's partner of her activities?


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Did you inform the OW's partner of her activities?


No, she s single (twice divorced - say no more)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> No, she s single (twice divorced - say no more)



Would you have done so? You could tell her parents, that might matter to her. But you did say she has already lost some friends over this affair.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> So we re a year past D day and things are going good . . . but I feel angry that I ve not been able to get any payback on OW.
> I know her cell number, her workplace, her home address and have her profile on my FB page (should change careers to P I )
> I m struggling with this - do I go for revenge or do I walk away ?
> The Karma bus has visited her but yet that s not my doing. She s ill (cancer) but she was ill having the A with my husband . He says as a result of the A she has lost friends and a chunk of her support network but again nothing to do with me . . .
> How to get over this hurdle ? Any advice welcome


I can totally understand wanting to really hurt the hell out of someone who destroyed everything you worked for but if you really think about it, getting revenge on just one half of the equation doesn't make much sense.
If you're willing to forgive him you may as well forgive his tramp. It's only fair. But I understand, who gives a **** about fair in matters of love!

One day, you'll reach that beautiful place where none of it matters anymore. On that day, you don't want the same regret that they both feel now. That regret sucks and it totally interferes with your moment of zen.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Yes get revenge, but get in a creative way.

What type of revenge do you want?...A physical altercation?...or do you want to put her on front street.

You can "whoop that trick"...but you'll be seen as the petty one....I would do something more imaginative, something that would cause everyone to look at her in shame....So go for it.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> You should inject them with Stonefish venom. I think that would be better than flaying skin!



Can I get that on Ebay?:smthumbup:


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

oaksthorne said:


> If you don't want the karma bus to run someone like this down, you should be canonized. *It is* *nearing three years since I found out about my H's little skank, and I still wish I could take a bat to her.* It wouldn't improve her though. She will always be an entitled piece of sh!t. She was also planning a long relationship with "her man", and he dumped her on her butt without preamble when I found out about her. She is young, tiny and very attractive( also married); totally unprepared to be dumped on her azz by anyone. She acted like Bunny Boiler for about a year and a half. She begged and totally debased herself. That would make anyone with any dignity embarrassed to have to remember, but she is shameless so I doubt that it even bothers her.


But that would be wrong!

I don't, in general, have a problem with revenge (bad me), but I don't advocate violence.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

The only person your hate and anger is hurting is you. You have to let it go. She doesn't care. No, I take that back. If she knew, she'd probably love the fact that you were holding on to so much pain. I learned this lesson many years ago with someone else. There is no place in my life for hate, it only tears me up. That's not to say I don't dislike the OW or want to run my truck into her if I were to see her (I drive an Excursion, she a Civic and I would never actually do it, just makes me feel a little better to visualize it) but I don't hate her. He had a choice too and he's the one that I should really be angry with.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

ilovechocolate, do you have any idea what you would like to do. While you make think it's revenge, it could just be business as usual for others.

Do you have new information to pass on to the OWM?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I did this was completely obsessed with OW.I think by the time I nipped my addiction I knew more about her than my exH ever did.I never used the information I had.I kept it filed away until I was ready to let go of OW and the destruction she caused.
you WILL get to the point where you'll stop letting OW park her dumba$$ in your brain.You'll push her out by filling yourself with better,more worthwhile thoughts and emotions.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I have trouble with these thoughts as well. It is about owning the final outcome, the last word, wanting to take something back. 

My thoughts always revolved around beating him with my own bare hands. The only thing that has kept me from acting out is it would cause my kids pain when I went to jail.

Thank God for my IC when this first happened my anger was over the top. Now I just want to put this behind me but I will bet that it comes up again in the future


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

BS, the only person to blame in all of this is your spouse. Don't waste time on the OM/OW

For men unless your wife was drugged or tied up, they put a weapon to her head and made her cheat then the only person you have to be angry with is your wife. Wanna kill the OM, your wife spread her legs willingly, how many men would be able to say, no thanks. Not his fault, let it go and move on.

For women, unless the OW drugged your husband, tied him up, gave him Viagra to get him up and ready then raped him. Not the OW's fault.

It's easier to project your anger at the OW/OM because it makes it possible for you to look at your wife/husband as the victim in this so that you can justify getting back with them. That's right, you're projecting your anger at the AP and making your spouse out to be the victim in all of this.

The only victim here is you, the only bad person in all of this is your spouse. If you hold on to that anger long enough you'll start to realize who you're really mad at. And eventually you'll project all that anger back at your spouse.

Let the anger go and start to heal or hold on to it for as long as you can and slowly kill your attempt to save your marriage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

no revenge nessary.... CANCER. sounds like the karma bus ran her over.

just move on and quit wasting more of your energy on thinking about this.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> no revenge nessary.... CANCER. sounds like the karma bus ran her over.
> 
> just move on and quit wasting more of your energy on thinking about this.


the karma bus runs over everyone in due time. I have learned this as well. Since time seems to move faster as you get older you start seeing results instantaneously. I've had a number of people do me very very wrong and within the next year I saw them lose houses, jobs, spouses, go to jail... it was AWESOME.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I'm very fresh into this (last week was my D-Day and beginning of separation) and the thoughts of revenge started today but for me, they're directed towards my spouse. I'm not going to do it but thinking about it has been therapeutic in the moment. If I was a super vindictive person and didn't care about the consequences to myself or others, one thing I'd like to do is re-write his dating profile truthfully as I see him right now (but as if he was saying it). I typed it out already (only in Word) in a personal-ad style format and then deleted it all (didn't save the document) and I am feeling much, much better. 

I realize actually posting it would make me look like a crazy person and also make him look justified. Also, I would feel guilty because I have a conscience. Although at this point, I wouldn't care that it hurt him because I'm hurting, doing it would hurt me because I hold myself to a higher standard. 

Although today I didn't practice what I'm about to preach, I think it's probably healthier, not even to let yourself think about revenge and diverting your attention when your mind goes to that dark place. I'm not sure if it's true but I'm sure the more times you think about it in your head, the more likely you are to do it in real life because maybe you get desensitized to the idea. 

While I let myself slip and pretend today out of anger, I'm not going to let it become a habit just for that reason alone. I hope to eventually let go of this anger, not let it grow and multiply inside me. I can't stand bitter people and am really going to try my best not to become one. That's when he wins and I and our children lose.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> BS, the only person to blame in all of this is your spouse. Don't waste time on the OM/OW
> 
> For men unless your wife was drugged or tied up, they put a weapon to her head and made her cheat then the only person you have to be angry with is your wife. Wanna kill the OM, your wife spread her legs willingly, how many men would be able to say, no thanks. Not his fault, let it go and move on.
> 
> ...


Sorry but I don t agree with this - unless the AP was unaware they were getting invloved with a married person - they should be held accountable. Yes 90% of it lays with the spouse but AP knew they were married with kids then they should have some of the blame. When I was dating it was my own persinal rule not to get invloved with a married man - it seemed wrong on so many levels - Do morals count for nothing these days ?!?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't get revenge.

Never let an affair change who you are. 

My fiancee cheated on me 7 months before our wedding date 4 years ago. I Decided to reconcile and go through with the wedding after 2 months of pain and heartache. (Stupid I know. I think I'm gonna have to make a thread or something to explain)

Fast forward 4 months, 1 month before wedding. I ended it. 

For four months I was a paranoid misanthropic defeatist. She kept her tracfone she bought for OM in the glovebox of her Camry during the A so everyday for exactly 139 days straight I checked her glovebox every morning and night in secret and each time I'd have a quickened pulse, expecting the smoking gun. I never laughed, never felt at peace, and became one cynical and pessimistic mofo with no self confidence.

If you let the negative emotions from the affair eat you up inside the negative feelings can easily change your outlook on life itself.

Don't let that happen.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have an idea that would hurt her in the worst possible way ever.

You'd have to be a bloody good actress to cope with this, though.

Befriend her. Be really nice to her. Be there for her, tell her how your husband must have really played on her, I mean, what kind of a dastard would have an affair with a sick woman, right?

So, then you drop the boom on her, right? Wrong. You carry on being nice to her for as long as you can.

It is a technique known as: "heaping coals upon the head." 

And if, by some chance, you find out she is not a bad sort after all, what harm has been done?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

its nice to think about revenge.... but in reality just moving on and living well is the best revenge. you get to keep you integerty intact and live the good life to boot.

good luck


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> *Sorry but I don t agree with this - unless the AP was unaware they were getting invloved with a married person - they should be held accountable. Yes 90% of it lays with the spouse but AP knew they were married with kids then they should have some of the blame*. When I was dating it was my own persinal rule not to get invloved with a married man - it seemed wrong on so many levels - Do morals count for nothing these days ?!?


100% agreement. The AP should get blame for this. Morals count less and less with fewer people lately


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## serenity 02030 (Mar 29, 2011)

you don't have to like the situation but you have to like the way you handle it


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> Sorry but I don t agree with this - unless the AP was unaware they were getting invloved with a married person - they should be held accountable. Yes 90% of it lays with the spouse but AP knew they were married with kids then they should have some of the blame. When I was dating it was my own persinal rule not to get invloved with a married man - it seemed wrong on so many levels - Do morals count for nothing these days ?!?


I agree as well. Of course the OP shares some of the blame for the A.

I would never get involved with a married man, regardless of his tale of woe because I have morals. And I would be concerned about a married man's wife and kids because I have empathy for others. If you don't care about people you don't know then why bother with giving to charities because you don't know the people your giving money to is the logic I assign to people who think that you don't owe anyone any respect or kindness simply because you don't know them.

Yes, my H deserves most of the blame for his A but OW was his co-conspirator and the thief that tried to rob me of my M and tried to ruin my children's family. She even went so far as to say that I deserved to be hurt because my H ended the A. She said he owed HER and because he hurt her, she was going to make sure that I was hurt too. That kind of person shares no blame? Yeah, right...In OW's evil mind, a sleazy A of a year was worth more than a M of 17 years. I'd say she shares a lot of the blame for being a low class, evil skank with no morals thankyouverymuch.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Zanna said:


> *:iagree:*
> I would never get involved with a married man, regardless of his tale of woe because I have morals. *And I would be concerned about a married man's wife and kids because I have empathy for others. If you don't care about people you don't know then why bother with giving to charities because you don't know the people your giving money to is the logic I assign to people who think that you don't owe anyone any respect or kindness simply because you don't know them.*
> Yes, my H deserves most of the blame for his A but OW was his co-conspirator and the thief that tried to rob me of my M and tried to ruin my children's family. She even went so far as to say that I deserved to be hurt because my H ended the A. She said he owed HER and because he hurt her, she was going to make sure that I was hurt too. That kind of person shares no blame? Yeah, right...In OW's evil mind, a sleazy A of a year was worth more than a M of 17 years. I'd say she shares a lot of the blame for being a low class, evil skank with no morals thankyouverymuch.


:iagree:


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I agree as well. Of course the OP shares some of the blame for the A.
> 
> I would never get involved with a married man, regardless of his tale of woe because I have morals. And I would be concerned about a married man's wife and kids because I have empathy for others. If you don't care about people you don't know then why bother with giving to charities because you don't know the people your giving money to is the logic I assign to people who think that you don't owe anyone any respect or kindness simply because you don't know them.
> 
> Yes, my H deserves most of the blame for his A but OW was his co-conspirator and the thief that tried to rob me of my M and tried to ruin my children's family. She even went so far as to say that I deserved to be hurt because my H ended the A. She said he owed HER and because he hurt her, she was going to make sure that I was hurt too. That kind of person shares no blame? Yeah, right...In OW's evil mind, a sleazy A of a year was worth more than a M of 17 years. I'd say she shares a lot of the blame for being a low class, evil skank with no morals thankyouverymuch.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Zanna said:


> I agree as well. Of course the OP shares some of the blame for the A.
> 
> I would never get involved with a married man, regardless of his tale of woe because I have morals. And I would be concerned about a married man's wife and kids because I have empathy for others. If you don't care about people you don't know then why bother with giving to charities because you don't know the people your giving money to is the logic I assign to people who think that you don't owe anyone any respect or kindness simply because you don't know them.
> 
> Yes, my H deserves most of the blame for his A but OW was his co-conspirator and the thief that tried to rob me of my M and tried to ruin my children's family. She even went so far as to say that I deserved to be hurt because my H ended the A. She said he owed HER and because he hurt her, she was going to make sure that I was hurt too. That kind of person shares no blame? Yeah, right...In OW's evil mind, a sleazy A of a year was worth more than a M of 17 years. I'd say she shares a lot of the blame for being a low class, evil skank with no morals thankyouverymuch.


OW went ballistic on H when he broke it off (by text on D Day - or he was nt coming home with me) she saw him a couple of weeks later and told him she had deserved more "cos they had been a couple for a year" - no he had sex with her, they never went out for a meal or drink, never socialised, never went for a walk or to the cinema - they were just f**k buddies


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I have an idea that would hurt her in the worst possible way ever.
> 
> You'd have to be a bloody good actress to cope with this, though.
> 
> ...



I don t understand the reasoning behind this?


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