# After Affair, Now Wants Threesome



## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Long history of mine: Been married for over 20 years and had just discovered a 1.5-2 years EA/PA my H had been having about 2 months ago. He broke it off with her 5 weeks ago. Sometime during last year when he was having an affair, he confided that he fantasized me having sex with other men, he wanted a threesome because he felt he could not satisfy me and that he found it exciting to watch. That time, I told him I could not do it with other men.

Fast forward this month, we decided to work on our marriage after the affair. He again approached me regarding his fantasy. I asked him if he ever fantasize this with the OW and he said no. What does this mean?

Before the affair, he had shut me out emotionally for the past few years and when he became involved with her, our sex life was 1-2 quickies a month which lasted a minute or two. I'm a stay at home mom, busy with our kids, I trusted him with my life, never suspected he could be so selfish as to did what he had done. I always thought he had sexual problems due to his health, little did I know he gave everything to her, emotionally and physically. After the affair ended did I realize yes, he's more capable than a minute quickies.

I do enjoy sex but after reading here about what an O feels like, I've never had an O. Before, I faked them but since his involment with that OW, he now realized that I've never had an O during our lovemaking. We married young and he was my first and only one, I was his first and she was his second and of course, she has had quite a few. I'm attractive but hearing that she's quite attractive and 10 years younger than both of us fuel my insecurities further more. I've always felt that he was never really attracted to me as I am to him so I believe the attraction between the two of them is much more than what we have.

Lately, he told me I'm beautiful but truly, I'm laughing and dying inside, thinking what a bunch of bs., he's saying that because he doesn't have her to sleep around with anymore. So with this fantasy of his, he asked if I have sex with other men, would it reduce my anger? I told him no, the only way is to have an affair of my own. Honestly, I know I would never be able to have an affair of my own, I just can't, it's against my moral upbringing, hence the intense pain I felt when I found out about his affair. But it helps to think about the revenge affair to reduce my anger and pain.

He thinks it would amp up our sex life, that he's thinks it's so exciting to watch me being satisfied, and that it's the ultimate fantasy of his. I read in the fantasy section that quite a few men/women fantasize this, please tell me, what do you make of all this? Why do you want to watch your significant other being satisfied by others?

He wants us to go to swingers club to see what it's all about and I can have sex with other men there if I want to, and only if I want to. And no, I do not definitely want to have sex with other men. I'm considering going there and let us watch others doing it to get him off but there is no way I'm going to do anything that I don't want to. What do you think? I read somewhere that the relationship must be stable and trust between the two before threesome or swingers can be considered and looking at our marriage, it's a disaster minus the trust that we're trying to work out so there's no way such a thing can be considered at this moment. So please, what the heck is going on in that mind of his? Is he not so attracted to me that he has to consider such an option whereas with the OW, she fullfilled his every fantasy and needs that he had no such fantasy about that with her?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't buy in to his "solutions" to fixing your marriage.

He is trying to lead you down to the lousy path he's been on. He wants you to not have any high ground to stand on compared to him.

Marriage counseling may help.

Or not. But give focus.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

It sounds like you're still very much in the healing process, and I'd strongly advise against acting out on your feelings of anger/vengeance...I felt the same way after discovering my wife's EA but know that it will only lead to more unwanted drama in our life.

As for you never having an O with him, what have the two of you tried together? Maybe trying different positions, toys, etc may help this along, increasing your pleasure while at the same time giving him the assurance he can please you. 

I can't say what's right for your situation, but my wife admitted to me that she's fantasized of a threesome with another woman. I let her know right there that it's also a fantasy of mine but not one that we'll entertain anytime soon (if ever) because we need to focus on each other first. It doesn't sound like this prospect makes you very comfortable, so make sure he knows this and guide him in what you do want. Communication will help!


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I think a lot of people who have affairs come back to their relationship with fantasies that want to become a reality. Part of having an affair is the fantasy of it. Once the fantasy has unraveled, they are left with other fantasies. I think the home needs to be taken care of and brought back to normal working order before any fantasy can become a reality. If he can't manage your sex life at home, then he certainly can't have his fantasies come true IMHO.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I think to him it means that if you haven't been able to orgasm with him, it's a terrible reflection on his skill as a lover. To be blunt, he really does probably suck as a lover big time. By way of counterpoint I'm pretty sure I could get you and any other woman off multiple times in a single night given enough time and communication. 

I strongly suggest not doing the multiple partners thing unless you're just doing it for yourself and are test driving new husbands. In all seriousiness if you find a man that will be sexually satsifying in a way your husband can't, you will find yourself just completely uninterested in your husband and bond to the new man. It's pretty common.

Why not look through here together instead .... Female orgasm blog


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