# Spouse on TAM



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I feel like I have learned SO MUCH on here that I want my H to read and learn too  

Q: is it something I should suggest he gets onto as well? I see other spouses on here and wondered if it would be a negative too? 

Thanks for your thoughts...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

depends, sometimes it can cut off your ability to vent somewhere safe


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Many people like to keep TAM as a private place to post and get advice. If you don't mind your H seeing what you write and what is written to you then invite him here. Just be aware that it can restrict your freedom. For instance, I can't insult Morrigan anymore on TAM.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would not like mine on here at this time, perhaps down the road. But if it will help you in R then go for it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> For instance, I can't insult Morrigan anymore on TAM.


But I can, hahahahahahahaha


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## BettyBoop (Apr 2, 2012)

I would not like H here because he will know I am spying on him and how. Maybe down the road will be good for the both of us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Tell him to go find his own friends 

If your relationship is sound (maybe even if it isn't), I don't see why not, maybe it'll help open his eyes on things he or both can improve on.

You could also suggest married man sex life as well, thats another great site.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Me and my wife (CantSitStill) are both here on Tams,we set up an account for her afer she came back home a couple months ago,being on here really opened up her eyes a lot,I've been here for about five months.Its good therapy for us both.Everybodies situation is different but its done wonders in helping with our marriage,so give it a shot,you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.Best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

You know...this is what is a negative to TAM...You all have different opinions  haha

My personality is "tell me what to do and make sure it fixes everything FAST!" Crap.

I have noticed the two couples Morrigan/Beowulf and Cantsitstill/Calvin and I think to myself that if we BOTH were on here then we would begin to understand each other. THEN I think of the things i've said and asked and wonder if I would ever say them to him is face?? THANKS FOR INPUT!!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Just last night my wife said she had to "Check this site out" as I am always on it.

I was kind of surprised and asked her if she hadn`t already "checked it out".
She said no the farthest she has gone is to sometimes read posts over my shoulder.

I told her I found that amazing because if I knew she was posting on a marriage site on a regular basis I`d be all over that immediately out of sheer curiosity.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

In my opinion, it's not a good idea.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

In some cases, the WS may find it useful to invite BS here, folks.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I've seen it work or be a disaster. Did you see RandomDude and his wife? They were sniping at each other on the same thread. It was painful to read. Sometimes tone is difficult to convey online, so be careful of making assumptions about what he says. I think it would be better to discuss posts with him, but I guess at least you would see what his issues are. You may find that he is shading the situation to make himself look good.


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Many people like to keep TAM as a private place to post and get advice. If you don't mind your H seeing what you write and what is written to you then invite him here. Just be aware that it can restrict your freedom. For instance, I can't insult Morrigan anymore on TAM.


Hey!


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## Morrigan (Jan 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> But I can, hahahahahahahaha


HEY!!! :rofl:


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

I've actually asked my wife to come on here before and now she hates it because people jumped down her throat. I've thought about asking her to come back because I feel like I'm getting so much good information here and she isn't and we can't even talk about it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

there's a certain amount of pitchforks and torches involved when a wayward posts

I try to help those who want help but there are certain ones who do nothing but speak in fog and they drive you crazy


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm glad I got opinions first vs. just inviting him...based on my posts/fears/much needed advice I now realize the timing just isn't right yet. Someday we will be back to normal and re-evaluate it at that time. For now, it's just me


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

TheGoodFight said:


> I've actually asked my wife to come on here before and now she hates it because people jumped down her throat. I've thought about asking her to come back because I feel like I'm getting so much good information here and she isn't and we can't even talk about it.


GF,

A WS has to survive the initial volley in order to get to the meat of the matter. Many fWS like my wife Morrigan do not post in threads a lot. Morrigan has been speaking to some new WS through PMs because she feels its a less emotionally tumultuous experience and very often allows them to get situated and feel more comfortable. If your wife wants to come back to TAM I'm sure Morrigan would be happy to talk to her and share experiences and make suggestions. TAM does not replace counseling but like AA or Alanon for alcoholics/loved ones it can be very therapeutic to hear from people who have already been there and done that.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I do remember when I first posted as a WS..I felt like I was defending myself, then there were times I'd get really upset. Somehow I've made it past all that because I'm a little farther along and can face anything anyone says about me. What matters is what Calvin is thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> I do remember when I first posted as a WS..I felt like I was defending myself, then there were times I'd get really upset. Somehow I've made it past all that because I'm a little farther along and can face anything anyone says about me. What matters is what Calvin is thinking.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That is so nice of you!!! I think you both are fortunate to have such strengths to work together and pull out of this. I'm sure it's up and down like for everyone so best of luck to you guys!


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> GF,
> 
> A WS has to survive the initial volley in order to get to the meat of the matter. Many fWS like my wife Morrigan do not post in threads a lot. Morrigan has been speaking to some new WS through PMs because she feels its a less emotionally tumultuous experience and very often allows them to get situated and feel more comfortable. If your wife wants to come back to TAM I'm sure Morrigan would be happy to talk to her and share experiences and make suggestions. TAM does not replace counseling but like AA or Alanon for alcoholics/loved ones it can be very therapeutic to hear from people who have already been there and done that.


That would be great actually. I see other couples on here and I imagine the discussions that must go on at home about it. Maybe I'm just jealous but I wish we could have that. :smthumbup:


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Speaking as a former-WS, here's reality: You cheated! And part of your head *may* still be in semi-fog when you first come here. When BS's hear fog-talk they tend to be angry and belt ya one (or at least a good, solid 2x4 post). 

I wish it were possible for more people to realize that if a WS posts here wanting to clear the fog, that a 2x4 or a 'boot to the head' isn't usually going to encourage rationality! :lol: However, it's what is deserved! It's like when a WS says "If I give him/her all my passwords and email addresses it feels like I'm being spied on!" Yeah it does. And the reasonable consequence to choosing to be dishonest...is to endure feeling spied on SHOW honesty! 

As you all know, my Dear Hubby is here (Tanelornpete), and he does read everything I write. I do not hold back what I really think and feel, because in my mind part of true recovery is being transparent (see through) enough to let your spouse SEE what you really think and feel. Thus, usually before anything is written here, we have already talked about it and he's fully aware. Again that's part of what a WS has to learn: that when something is NOT okay, you don't go talk to other people about it, you talk to your SPOUSE and the two of you work on it together, as a team, until you reach an agreement you can both live with. (Yes that participle is dangling but I'm feeling crazy today.)


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## notperfectanymore (Mar 1, 2012)

Yup, tried to get hubby here too, even printed out a post for him to read (from Bigbadwolf)...nope...."we aren't like other couples, we have no kids, no money troubles, we are fine.."

I'm trying to save him from becoming THAT new poster...that comes here saying...I realize now what I should have done.." Nope, he has it all down....ugh.....


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

my exgf used to come here when we were together.
not sure if she is still around or not.
when we were together she used to say sometimes she should stop coming because it put thoughts in her head sometimes.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> (Yes that participle is dangling but I'm feeling crazy today.)


Dangling participle eh? Make sure you don't catch it on anything.

Sorry, I couldn't resist.:rofl:


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

What I don't understand is why everyone kept asking Calvin to get me on here..Am I like a mystery? lol It's weird how on most threads people advise the BS to not tell their WS about this site. Maybe I'm just special lol..kidding
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> my exgf used to come here when we were together.
> not sure if she is still around or not.
> when we were together she used to say sometimes she should stop coming because it put thoughts in her head sometimes.


What kind of thoughts?

All I ever heard her do was complain about porn.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> What kind of thoughts?
> 
> All I ever heard her do was complain about porn.


having strong beliefs about something is complaining? :scratchhead:

why?
because it doesnt go along with yours?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> What I don't understand is why everyone kept asking Calvin to get me on here..Am I like a mystery? lol It's weird how on most threads people advise the BS to not tell their WS about this site. Maybe I'm just special lol..kidding
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think many times BS are advised to keep TAM private because they aren't sure about R or D. In calvin's case it was clear from the beginning that even though he was prepared to lose you if need be R was most definitely in his heart. So yes, you are special because you were so loved by calvin and because you inspired that kind of love from him. The hardest part of R is immediately following NC when the fog is still present. Its at that point that posters on TAM can try to help the WS clear their fog and make good decisions.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> having strong beliefs about something is complaining? :scratchhead:
> 
> why?
> because it doesnt go along with yours?


Seemed like a blanket criticism of men. That's usually the indication of a closed mind.

I'm not surprised she only blames you for the breakdown of the relationship. Did you ever hear her blame herself for the failure of any previous partnerships?

BTW - I'll ask again.

What kind of thoughts did TAM put in her head?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Seemed like a blanket criticism of men. That's usually the indication of a closed mind.
> 
> 
> What kind of thoughts did TAM put in her head?


actually, she was very open minded about a lot of things.
she just has very strong feelings about porn and cheating.

i guess just seeing all the things going on in peoples lives here made her feel there may be the chance i would do something here while she was in australia.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> actually, she was very open minded about a lot of things.
> she just has very strong feelings about porn and cheating.
> 
> i guess just seeing all the things going on in peoples lives here made her feel there may be the chance i would do something here while she was in australia.


Thanks


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