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## Pookiepie

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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> My background information is I’m a 42 year old married mother. I’ve been married for 15 years and together 20. We have a 10 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. We have a pretty good marriage the normal up and downs more arguments and discussions in the past year. But the major “Elephant in the room” discussion is what I am looking for advice on.
> We live in Canada, my sister and her boyfriend and son live in the Netherlands. 2 years ago just before Covid shut everything down my sister was pregnant. Her boyfriend offered to pay for my ticket for me to come for a visit after my nephew was born. Well, because things shut down that didn’t happen. This past January he asked me again if I would like to come and he would pay for the ticket. I told my husband about it and then went on planning things with my brother in law. My husband keeps trying to think of excuses on why I shouldn’t go. One being the kids, his parents live close to us and are both retired and available to help with the kids. Since the kids are both in school full time they would need to get kids off to school, since my husband has to leave at 6:00 for work and then they would have to pick kids up after school. Anyway it was settled I was going, drove to the major city were I was going to fly out of the next day. Had to do a PCR test, it came back positive so wasn’t able to go at that time. My brother in law changed my flight, which is coming up in a weeks time. Now there is this war happening between Russia and Ukraine and my husband doesn’t think I should go. I know those countries are kind of far from where I’m going. But I’m not 100% sure if its safe to fly from Canada to the Netherlands. My mom and my sister say it’s fine. But my husband and mother in law don’t think it is. I’m already struggling with feeling selfish going and leaving my family for days. My friends and sister and mom tell me it’s not selfish of me and I deserve it and then now if I do go and something happens. I’m so torn. I’m wondering what other peoples thoughts are on this?


Hi Pookie
Why doesn’t BIL pay for sister to come to you?
Why doesn’t your husband go with you to see them?

As far as travel safety, the airlines and Govts do a pretty good job of advising about safe (or not) travel.

You should be able to go and husband should support you, but if it causes family troubles then maybe consider some alternatives?


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## BeyondRepair007

And why is BIL asking you to come…why not sister? Seems odd or maybe its just coming out that way.


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## Pookiepie

Well the 1st time he asked me to come is when my sister was pregnant and so I’d be there just after she had him. This recent time he asked me to come he was going to be away for the majority of the time I would of been there and that way she’s have some help with her little one and also because they were home at Christmas but I only got to see them for a few days. It’s a long story, but I was planning on going back to the city where they were but everyone ended up with ominicron. I feel my husband should be supportive too.


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## Pookiepie

I forgot to answer a few questions, the other reason he was paying for me to go there is so I can see their house and where they live. My husband will be starting a new job so him coming doesn’t really work and plus then his parents would have to do all the childcare. It is a bit selfish of me, and plus I want to go alone. Also I feel if I don’t go my sister and BIL and my mom will be mad at me. Either way I’m pissing someone off.


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## BeyondRepair007

I see, thanks for filling in the blanks so-to-speak.
So what’s the downside if you just go?

Hubby will be mad, maybe MIL. Anything else?

If your husband won’t be supportive then you pretty much don’t have a choice. You’ll have to make that choice, go or not go.

I personally would not go if it were me and my wife.
Her wishes far outweigh any other of my family. I wouldn’t even fight about it. She is too important to me.

But I also would have to dig into understanding ‘why’ she has such a problem with it.

Your husbands excuses are just that. Excuses. It seems like there’s more to that story and maybe that’s where you should focus? Has he explained in adequate detail why he is so much against this? Without the excuses?


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## Pookiepie

I’m not sure the “real reason”. He’s worried I’ll have fun. 🤷‍♀️ I’m having a super ****ty day, I can’t stop crying. It all started this morning when I had to change the kids dentist appointment and when I checked with my husband if he’s be able to take them the day she suggested, since I knew he was off, his response was that’s my day off. I guess I have him a look so the he was like yah sure. When I got off the phone i said you don’t get a day off when you have kids and his response was “How about 10 days”. He has plans with friends for 3 days this summer and he’s done other outings with friends. But his response was yah but it hasn’t been to another part of the world where there are missels flying threw the air. Then he follows this all up with I was going to have you come help me today, at work and (his boss would of paid me). But after our fight he didn’t think it was a good idea if we worked together today.

if I was in his shoes and he wanted to go to a different part of the world to see his brother and have his air fair paid for I would tell him to go, jump at the chance. I might feel a bit jealous I wasn’t able to go. But I wouldn’t want to tell him not to and have him be mad and me for missing out on an awesome opportunity.


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## Pookiepie

Sorry for all the ramblings, I just feel I have so much I need to let out.


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## Mr.Married

I’m from the states and I fly to the Netherlands all the time for work… about 8 times a year. I was there just 4 weeks ago and will be there again in 2 weeks…. It is PERFECTLY SAFE. 
People have strange fears that they project on to others. Their fear is not your problem… it’s theirs.


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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> I’m not sure the “real reason”. He’s worried I’ll have fun. 🤷‍♀️ I’m having a super ****ty day, I can’t stop crying. It all started this morning when I had to change the kids dentist appointment and when I checked with my husband if he’s be able to take them the day she suggested, since I knew he was off, his response was that’s my day off. I guess I have him a look so the he was like yah sure. When I got off the phone i said you don’t get a day off when you have kids and his response was “How about 10 days”. He has plans with friends for 3 days this summer and he’s done other outings with friends. But his response was yah but it hasn’t been to another part of the world where there are missels flying threw the air. Then he follows this all up with I was going to have you come help me today, at work and (his boss would of paid me). But after our fight he didn’t think it was a good idea if we worked together today.
> 
> if I was in his shoes and he wanted to go to a different part of the world to see his brother and have his air fair paid for I would tell him to go, jump at the chance. I might feel a bit jealous I wasn’t able to go. But I wouldn’t want to tell him not to and have him be mad and me for missing out on an awesome opportunity.


Your husband is being irrational about this and using the kids like that is not good. That sent a chill up my spine.

You mentioned “worried you’ll have fun” and “jealous“, is there a reason is jealous? Like is BIL successful and hubby is not or is hubby jealous even if you go to the local market?

Post all the ramblings you want, TAM is filled with great people and the more you talk, the more your situation becomes clear and the right people can give you some help.


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## Pookiepie

@BeyondRepair007 I appreciate the help. I would prefer private messaging though if I ‘air’ anymore.


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## Pookiepie

Mr.Married said:


> I’m from the states and I fly to the Netherlands all the time for work… about 8 times a year. I was there just 4 weeks ago and will be there again in 2 weeks…. It is PERFECTLY SAFE.
> People have strange fears that they project on to others. Their fear is not your problem… it’s theirs.


Thank you for the information. I had thought that it would be safe, but it’s hard to know.


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## uwe.blab

Sounds like one of those "dads" that is afraid of being left alone with his own kids. Does he know how to take care of them? And yeah, he is annoyed because it will be a good experience.


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## Pookiepie

uwe.blab said:


> Sounds like one of those "dads" that is afraid of being left alone with his own kids. Does he know how to take care of them? And yeah, he is annoyed because it will be a good experience.


He isn’t one of those Dad’s, I don’t think. He knows how to take care of them. It will be more work, but his parents will be helping lots. Is it selfish of me to go?


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## Evinrude58

Everyone is selfish. You’re selfish for wanting to go, he’s selfish for wanting you to stay.

asking him on his day off to take the kids to the dentist if he has something planned is wrong. If he doesn’t, he’s a whiner.
If you are a stay at home mom, then you’re wrong for taking off to another country abd ignoring your job (hey, everyone gets a vacation from their job, just sayin)….

if I had advice, it would be to talk further with your husband and make things right with him or not go. He would be a bad husband indeed not to let you do something you really wanted to do that wasn’t really that huge of a deal. I don’t think the Ukraine thing is a real factor regarding safety. But if you go and you haven’t straightened things out with him, it’ll ruin your trip being worried about it.

communication in a way that shows love should solve this.


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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> @BeyondRepair007 I appreciate the help. I would prefer private messaging though if I ‘air’ anymore.


Well that’s fair.
How about a more general question. Rather than asking about jealousy, is your husband insecure normally? Whether it’s at work or with other family or you? Or is he especially competitive?

Trying to understand what would be the issue with you going, enough so that he finds pretty much any available reason to say no.


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## ccpowerslave

I would just go if I was you.


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## Pookiepie

He does have insecurities and I’ve caused some of that.


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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> He does have insecurities and I’ve caused some of that.


Well I sorta suspected that. So…now ya know. Face reality that he has issues and maybe it’s understandable?

You should work that out with him before going somewhere where he doesn’t have confidence in you.


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## Pookiepie

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Well I sorta suspected that. So…now ya know. Face reality that he has issues and maybe it’s understandable?
> 
> You should work that out with him before going somewhere where he doesn’t have confidence in you.


Yah. You are very right. Thank you.


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## BigDaddyNY

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Well I sorta suspected that. So…now ya know. Face reality that he has issues and maybe it’s understandable?
> 
> You should work that out with him before going somewhere where he doesn’t have confidence in you.


Great advice. I don't think any better advice can be given without knowing the nitty gritty details. Personally, I wouldn't be real pleased with my wife traveling to Europe right now. I realize the risk is pretty low, but I would be nervous the whole time she would be gone. Didn't a Malaysian airliner get shot down when Russia went into Crimea? Again, I know that isn't likely, but that is the kind of things I would be thinking about. Throw in some insecurities about other things and I can see where he is coming from.


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## BeyondRepair007

BigDaddyNY said:


> Great advice. I don't think any better advice can be given without knowing the nitty gritty details. Personally, I wouldn't be real pleased with my wife traveling to Europe right now. I realize the risk is pretty low, but I would be nervous the whole time she would be gone. Didn't a Malaysian airliner get shot down when Russia went into Crimea? Again, I know that isn't likely, but that is the kind of things I would be thinking about. Throw in some insecurities about other things and I can see where he is coming from.


True enough, I might feel the same if it were my wife flying to Europe. The main difference between me & OP’s husband would be an abundance of communication trying to explain my fear while also being supportive of her decision. Same with you I believe.

I suspect hubby’s insecurity issue is the real thing here, and maybe that’s justified idk. OP seems to think so.
OP was looking for some rational arguments to override his ‘fear of flying’ excuse; perhaps she really is not trustworthy. If my wife did that to me I’d be ticked off (ie…solicit the internet for justifications to use against me instead of talking to me, _especially_ if there is a trust issue between us).


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## Pookiepie

Wow, I guess for me the truth hurts but I’m not scouring the internet for justification tho throw in is face. I was appreciative of your help. And you’ve helped me also see what a lousy wife and person I am.


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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> Wow, I guess for me the truth hurts but I’m not scouring the internet for justification tho throw in is face. I was appreciative of your help. And you’ve helped me also see what a lousy wife and person I am.


No, You’re right, I apologize for that. I was rambling and speculating and it was uncalled for.
You know what is up in your life, not me.
I hope you resolve things with your husband and get to travel at the appropriate time.


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## BigDaddyNY

Pookiepie said:


> Wow, I guess for me the truth hurts but I’m not scouring the internet for justification tho throw in is face. I was appreciative of your help. And you’ve helped me also see what a lousy wife and person I am.


I'm pretty sure no one intended to make you out to be a lousy wife and person. 

However, it seems you've done something to erode his trust. You should address that. If the lack of trust is due to some form of infidelity you can expect of lifetime of less than 100% trust in you.


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## Talker67

the war in Ukraine may be a factor. as in, if your plane has to go over the north pole to get there, Russia will not allow it. 
But if you have an actual ticket, then the airline has figured out a legal flight path to get there....

i am sure, EVERN IF NATO starts fighting Russia, nobody is bombing the neatherlands. Poland, Bosnia, etc would be bad place to go visit right now, though


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## D0nnivain

Pookiepie said:


> He does have insecurities and I’ve caused some of that.


If you made your husband feel insecure, apologize & work on making him feel more appreciated, loved & secure. That ought to reduce his anxieties around you going.


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## davebrubeck1

Pookiepie said:


> Wow, I guess for me the truth hurts but I’m not scouring the internet for justification tho throw in is face. I was appreciative of your help. And you’ve helped me also see what a lousy wife and person I am.


"Lousy wife and person"? That sentence seems like a good place to start. No, you're not and no one said that. What were you thinking when you wrote that? Were you hoping that people will come out and say that you're not a lousy person, because you didn't want to defend yourself? Or did you actually believe you are lousy? Then you have to start working on your self-esteem. Either way, you need to get to the bottom of your feelings around this.


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## Pookiepie

D0nnivain said:


> If you made your husband feel insecure, apologize & work on making him feel more appreciated, loved & secure. That ought to reduce his anxieties around you going.


Thank you. I have apologized and I’m working on mending our bond which I know takes time. I’m fully aware that my past stupid judgments have created issues. I’m thinking from the advice I’ve been given and reaching inwards and thinking I’ve done I’m going to tell him that I’m not going to go.


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## Pookiepie

davebrubeck1 said:


> "Lousy wife and person"? That sentence seems like a good place to start. No, you're not and no one said that. What were you thinking when you wrote that? Were you hoping that people will come out and say that you're not a lousy person, because you didn't want to defend yourself? Or did you actually believe you are lousy? Then you have to start working on your self-esteem. Either way, you need to get to the bottom of your feelings around this.


Yes I know I have low self esteem. And yesterday was a really bad day. I know he didn’t say that about me I was feeling that way though.


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## BeyondRepair007

Pookiepie said:


> Thank you. I have apologized and I’m working on mending our bond which I know takes time. I’m fully aware that my past stupid judgments have created issues. I’m thinking from the advice I’ve been given and reaching inwards and thinking I’ve done I’m going to tell him that I’m not going to go.


I am really glad to hear this.
I wish you the best of luck repairing your fractured relationship with your husband.

TAM is very good at helping and supporting people as they struggle with life issues so please do keep posting as you progress if it is needed.


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## uwe.blab

Pookiepie said:


> Thank you. I have apologized and I’m working on mending our bond which I know takes time. I’m fully aware that my past stupid judgments have created issues. I’m thinking from the advice I’ve been given and reaching inwards and thinking I’ve done I’m going to tell him that I’m not going to go.


eh. you should be able to figure this out and still go on the trip. but, i don't know you or your husband or your marriage so maybe I am missing something. My initial thought is-- family/sister, lives far away and when was the last time you saw her?, meeting her child...go for it. you will be dead soon enough.


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## EleGirl

OP requested a permanent ban.


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