# Need a little level-headed advice. :)



## barns1 (Jul 2, 2014)

I have been together with my wife for 19 years and married for 12 years. We have 2 great kids and both of us work, have a nice house, hols etc.

A few years ago I found out that she was getting emotionally very close to a work colleague. At the time she denied that it progressed to a physical relationship. We talked, she ended it, we fixed our problems and we moved on. Great.

I thought that life has been good since - we have had a few little ups and downs but nothing that I saw as significant.

In recent times she has stated to party a bit harder than I would expect of a married woman - coming in at very late hours. When we are socializing together we get on well, but she has little affection towards me and a lot more affection for other male friends in our group. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable but I have let it pass and never said anything. I am a chilled person in that respect.

Recently she went out with a group of entirely male colleagues and came in very late and very drunk. Again not really a problem, except that if things were the opposite way around and I spent a late/drunk night out with the office girls I would be in trouble!!!!

Shortly after this I decided to confront her about why her affection is focussed elsewhere and that lead to a much deeper discussion where she admitted that she was not happy with our marriage and hasn't been for a while. We talked a lot - my eyes were opened to her feelings (and hers to mine), and we both agreed what was wrong and to agreed to make it right. 

OK - so all good so far, right?

Well she just also admitted that she has a male work colleague who sits 2 metres away and is sending her regular private, non-work related emails. These are mainly fun and she responds - again mainly fun. I am not entirely convinced (given what happened the first time around), that this will not lead to another emotional attachment and/or something else. I was was wondering whether it is fair, as her husband, to ask her to stop. :scratchhead:

Maybe I am just a bit sensitive at the moment?

I have never set any rules in our marriage. Maybe that is my problem?

BTW I love her very much.

Dean.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Danger!! Danger!!


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You can ask, sure. Just don't be surprised by an answer of no.

This other dude brings new life to your wife. It's fun and lite-hearted and easy. Something she's not feeling with you. That's the part you need to rediscover with your wife.

If both of you want the marriage to work, both of you need to be all in. And even though she's not necessarily doing anything wrong, it's still a distraction from working on the marriage together.

I don't think that talking/texting in of itself is bad. She can be friends with who she chooses. It's when those friendships mean more to her than the marriage, is when it becomes a problem.

So ask. See where she wants the marriage to go from here.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

Lots of red flags in that post. First, I think you should do a little investigation to make sure she is being completely honest with you. Staying out with male co-workers, flirting with men, texting co-workers and admitting to being unhappy are all solid warning signs of an affair. Throw in the previous emotional contact (sounds like an Emotional Affair) and you should be on high alert. I would recommend browsing the infidelity section here to find some tips on checking up on her.

Second, you should set some boundaries on what is and what is not acceptable behavior. Everyone has different boundaries, but you need to figure out what bothers you and communicate that to her.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Agreed on boundaries. You're not being too sensitive, there's a real problem here and you need to start putting your foot down. She's telling you she's not happy in the marriage and using it as an excuse to go out drinking and flirting (if not more) with other guys. It's sad but too common that people in marriages think "I'm not happy" is a justification for doing things that are bad for their marriages, rather than trying to improve the marriages.


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## SeekingEcstasy (Jun 20, 2014)

barns1 said:


> At the time she denied that it progressed to a physical relationship.
> 
> Recently she went out with a group of entirely male colleagues and came in very late and very drunk. Again not really a problem, except that if things were the opposite way around and I spent a late/drunk night out with the office girls I would be in trouble!!!!
> 
> ...


You are not sensitive enough and you don't demand equality. Chances are very good that she has lied to you in the past, got away with it easily, and is pushing bounderies as far as she can. She probably lacks respect for you because you let her get away with so much. What do your children think or what will they think about what is happening. I agree with others. Check her out carefully. Find out just how trust worthy she is and then set the rules while you have full and accurate information.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

barns1 said:


> *I have never set any rules in our marriage. Maybe that is my problem?*
> 
> BTW I love her very much.
> 
> Dean.


Yes.

That _is_ the problem. Both of you need to agree proper marital boundaries.
If there are no rules or boundaries then technically , she isn't doing anything wrong.

However , it does seem a bit late.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Take a look at "Not Just Friends".

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you can't control her however you can control what you will or will not put up with.
She can live the single life, just not married to you.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Agreed on boundaries. You're not being too sensitive, there's a real problem here and you need to start putting your foot down. She's telling you she's not happy in the marriage and using it as an excuse to go out drinking and flirting (if not more) with other guys. It's sad but too common that people in marriages think "I'm not happy" is a justification for doing things that are bad for their marriages, rather than trying to improve the marriages.


YUP! 

My ex-wife used the whole "I'm not happy" excuse too to eventually go to emotional affair and possibly physical affair. 

I told my girlfriend that I know she can't guarantee she will love me and want to be with me forever, but she has to have the respect for me to talk to me about it, and if she wants to move on, to end it with me first. She can't have her cake and eat it too. 

I think you OP are being completely reasonable.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Does she smell soapy fresh after a night out or does she take a shower when she gets home?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why aren't these things she does, that are very wrong and not welcomed in most marriages, "not a problem" for you?

You really need to honestly answer that one for yourself before proceeding.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to check her phone records for numbers she calls and texts a lot.

How do you know she is going out with the girls.

If my wife went out with the guys, the locks would be changed and her things in a garbage bag on the front porch.

Get both the books linked to below asap. They will explain everything. You have totally lost her respect.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to check her phone records for numbers she calls and texts a lot.

How do you know she is going out with the girls.

If my wife went out with the guys, the locks would be changed and her things in a garbage bag on the front porch.

Get both the books linked to below asap. They will explain everything. You have totally lost her respect.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

barns1 said:


> A few years ago I found out that she was getting emotionally very close to a work colleague. At the time she denied that it progressed to a physical relationship. We talked, she ended it, we fixed our problems and we moved on. Great.


What was the consequence of her cheating? 

How and what she has done to rebuild trust?



barns1 said:


> In recent times she has stated to party a bit harder than I would expect of a married woman - coming in at very late hours. When we are socializing together we get on well, but she has little affection towards me and a lot more affection for other male friends in our group. This makes me feel a little uncomfortable but I have let it pass and never said anything. I am a chilled person in that respect.


Maybe that's the problem, you are too "chilled".

No affection towards you but other males usually means > she doesn't care about you/love you. And the other way around towards "male" friends.



barns1 said:


> Recently she went out with a group of entirely male colleagues and came in very late and very drunk. Again not really a problem, except that if things were the opposite way around and I spent a late/drunk night out with the office girls I would be in trouble!!!!.


How is this "not really a problem"? A woman that has a history of cheating is going out with male "friends"?

Think about that for a bit.

First off, even for NONE cheating married women. It is COMPLETELY inappropriate and disrespectful to be going out with ANY opposite sex friends.

Do you or your wife even realize that Males can't really be friends with Females without physical /sexual attractions?

Does she realize they just want to bang her? Do YOU???

And to get drunk without you there? Both she and YOU are asking for trouble.

It would be safe to say that she has already cheated on you again......it should ASSUMED



barns1 said:


> Shortly after this I decided to confront her about why her affection is focussed elsewhere and that lead to a much deeper discussion where she admitted that she was not happy with our marriage and hasn't been for a while. We talked a lot - my eyes were opened to her feelings (and hers to mine), and we both agreed what was wrong and to agreed to make it right.
> 
> OK - so all good so far, right?
> 
> ...


Of course it's fair to ask her to stop.

In most relationships, Opposite sex relationships are a no go (I know it is in mine). Not because I don't trust my wife, it's simply because I know how human nature works. If you are around someone/certain environment long enough, you will fall in time.

It is COMPLETELY inappropriate and disrespectful for her to engage in such relationships while married to you. At work it should ONLY be work related and outside of work there should be NO relationships with males either.

She sounds like she is married to you for kids and completely gave up on your marriage/doesn't care/does what she wants.

You deserve WAY better than that.

She should be working EXTREMELY hard to regain your trust. She is currently doing the opposite.

I always like to recommend to keep the marriage going, but in your case, I would say that you are dealing with a completely selfish and inconsiderate woman/person. I would not put up with that and start collecting as much evidence as possible before going to see a lawyer and filing for divorce. Install spy software on Phone/PC and monitor for good month or 2 /collect as much evidence as possible.

If you think there is hope (which I don't think you should)......start marriage counseling. But honest, the damage has been done. Everyone deserve a 2nd chance, but not 3rd. She is probably WAY past that point now.....

Your other choice is to be a push over and be cheated on your entire life while being in a "room mate" type of relationship.

What you have my friend is NOT marriage.

Also, it seems like you are doing WAY too much heart thinking. Forget about your heart and your feelings for her, think with the part of your body that suppose to do thinking.....your brain (PS. this is very common human trait)

Good luck


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> You need to check her phone records for numbers she calls and texts a lot.
> 
> How do you know she is going out with the girls.
> 
> ...


This.

I see no reason to walk on egg shells with her about this stuff. no reason to put it to her nicely at all, in fact. she deserves the bluntness of something like:

"I need you to stop acting like a wh0re, so I can love you and trust you again"

if she has/had lost some respect for you then her reaction to a statement like that would not necessarily bring it all back. might even p*ss her off, make her blow up or take other actions. but there is nothing nice about the way she is treating you - so there should be nothing nice about you confronting her about it IMO.

its all on her to stop this crap. no other issues should be on the table until/unless she does that.....


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