# I ended my affair and my husband started one in 3 years



## surprise (May 25, 2020)

Life was beautiful when we fell in love with each other but after marriage I always felt lonely, unloved and unimportant. My husband moved into a different country for his career training. He liked his new place and made good friends and was enjoying his life. I missed him so much and sent him a lot of emails and texts to which he will occasionally reply. I would wait for his call from the time I wake up. He would call up and talk for max 5 - 7 mins. He has never said 'Miss you ' but would reply ''miss you'' whenever I said or texted sincerely.Then I stopped emailing him and texting him. He didn't even realize that I stopped or ever asked me 'why'. I started believing that he didn't love me. It was at that time I started noticing that one of my male friends was caring a lot about me, appreciated me and gave me good companionship. I felt loved, wanted and felt even like a queen. 

I started falling in love with him and had an affair with him for 18 months. Golden period. We even had sex for six times. I wasn't keen in having a sexual affair but my AP was very interested in sex. My AP loved me so much that he wanted to leave his wife and marry me. One day he asked me if I would marry him. I felt very guilty and burdened. I hated myself and felt disgusted with my actions. I felt very sorry for his wife. One day after informing him, I took up responsibility and I met my AP's wife at her house and I confessed everything to her from my side (except his thought to marry me). She was furious, hit me with whatever she found in that room, addressed me and my family members with lots of vulgar words and dragged me and literally kicked me out of her house. I deserved it so I let her do whatever she wanted with me. 

I was even ready to die. My AP ran towards me and asked me to marry him in front of her. I saw her crying bitterly at that. I felt horrible and even more sorry for her. I hated myself. AP was devastated when I chose my husband over him. I ended the affair then and there in 2012. I sent her apology emails for years and then I stopped in 2016. She would vent out her rage, disgust and hatred in every reply. I still feel guilty and I owe her my life time apology

After I met my AP's wife and ended the affair, my husband arrived home in 2 days. Surprise visit. I confessed to my husband and was prepared for death or divorce. He too hit me and addressed me with all unpleasant words in the world. I couldn't speak a word back or look at his face. I deserved it. I asked him to divorce me because that would bring him justice and peace. He refused to divorce me and said that he still loved me and that our child cant be without a mother. He accepted my apology after a week and this time we all traveled together, shifted our house and started living in the same house. He was miserable for 3 weeks and healed after 5 months. 

I couldn't bear to see him suffer. All because of my selfish actions. I felt like setting fire to myself whenever I thought of the suffering I gave to my husband and my Ap's wife. I destroyed their happiness. Its been 8 years now after I ended my affair. I still feel guilty. I still pray for my Ap's wife's happiness and peace. For the past 8 years I often felt guilty apologized and thanked my husband for accepting me back.

Miraculously my marriage life went back to normal within 6 months after my affair. Husband never brought this up even at worst scenarios. But he never changed a bit. Even if lived under the same roof I still felt lonely, unwanted, no companionship. Our relationship was void still I had devoted my heart and body to my husband and remained worthy of his love and trust. I was feeling grateful. We were leading a happy life until I found about his affair recently. I never check my husband's phone at all. 

3 months ago my phone ran out of battery and so I used his phone without his permission to take a video of my little child (second child born in 2016) singing beautifully (Husband was watching tele in living room). When I checked his gallery I almost passed out. Saw a lot of videos of a lady doing bj. There were 4 sex videos too. I couldn't believe my eyes. I wished earth opened up and swallowed me alive. I felt tremors inside me. Every part of me as a woman got affected. I trembled and I ran into the toilet sobbed and sobbed. I ended mine and he started one after 3 years.

I cant believe that my husband did this to me. He was an idol of true love to me. I became dead. He has been having an affair for the past 4 and half years while I've been feeling guilty and grateful. I felt like a fool. My affair was the first and last thing that I've ever hidden from him. He didn't even bother to confess about his affair. He assumed that I would commit suicide if he had confessed. He confirms that he has left her and will stay loyal to me hereafter but I am unable to accept his betrayal. He promises never to do this again and will remain faithful to me and a good dad to the children. How am I going to live with this liar?

Why did he accept me after my affair in the first place? fFake forgiveness? He could have divorced me! He says it wasn't a revenge but he gave into temptation, because of greed and lust. I had complications during pregnancy and we couldn't have sex for 9 months. Could that be the reason?

He does watch a lot of porn but I was not in a place to correct him or say 'no' to him as I was guilty of committing adultery.

I feel like a fool now. How can he cheat me when I was pregnant with his child? When I was nursing his child? While I was still feeling guilty even after so many years? I was grateful and worshiped him because he accepted me.

When I complained about loneliness he always assured that he isn't expressive as I am but still he loved me and that he will never leave me. He called us soulmates and perfect marriage. He was always happy. He kept saying that I was the only woman in his life. Then why did he multiply and give his suffering back to me?

4 and half years affair with his colleague and 56 videos from every meeting. A full blown sexual affair. He says that they never loved each other but were together for sex. I feel suicidal all the time. He is asking me for a chance and is feeling bad for cheating me but I'm no where near forgiveness or acceptance. I'm unable to accept it. The videos are constantly playing in my mind. I am very sad and stuck, became mad too. Should I continue in this marriage or should I leave and stay single? What will happen to my children if I leave. I am a dependent house wife so I have to start my life from basic if I leave.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. You are in a tough situation.

Could you clarify something for me? How many months did your husband live in another country, leaving you alone with your child? 

While he was out of country all those months, did you have a job? Did he provide you financial support while he was in the other country?

I think that it would help you to learn more about affairs, how they happen and how to recover your marriage from them. There is a very good book that has helped many couples recover their relationship. The book is *Surviving an Affair *by Willard F. Harley Jr.

You say that you having a hard time now that you know about your husband's affair. It can take a betrayed spouse up to 5 years to recover from an affair. Take very good care of yourself as this is going to be a very hard time for you.

What has your husband done to prove to you that he has ended his affair? Does he work with her?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was his a revenge affair? I would suggest counselling as an option.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

surprise said:


> I am a dependent house wife


You need to do what you can to change this. I think your marriage has only a small chance at survival. It sounds, to me, like your husband was not really all that interested in your marriage.



surprise said:


> after marriage I always felt lonely, unloved and unimportant


Usually, when people feel this, it is because they are unloved and unimportant. Your husband's actions bear this out.



surprise said:


> Miraculously my marriage life went back to normal within 6 months after my affair.


I believe in miracles. But, I am a scientist, and there's a reason why they are called "miracles". Your husband's actions are explainable within the realm of normal human psychology. He just didn't give a $hit. He's porn-educated, and has shown his own willingness to cheat. Like you said, unloved, and unimportant. Not "miracle".


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@surprise sorry you are going through this very difficult time. If you both want to save the marriage then you could go for separate counselling and then MC? it will take time. Both of you have destroyed your marriage so you have to build from the bottom up again,if you want to.
How long was your H working in another country. You sound like you are not from the UK, can you work in the UK, do you have qualifications? I would suggest you start to consider becoming financially independent.
I also think it is possible your H cheated on you while he was away. He sounds distant. If a woman is lonely in a marriage it is often because the H is otherwise occupied, something for you to consider. Is he British or from a different culture where he wants the wife and family but likes to play on the side? 
Dont rush into any decisions now, get yourself more balances as this is a big shock to you and you feel you cannot say much cause you did the same thing. Work through your hurts with a counselor, after some time you can then decide what you want to do.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

First off, stop contacting the AP wife. Every time you do, it's an extremely selfish act. It's self serving to constantly remind her of your actions with her husband. It doesn't help her. Do her a favour and forget she exists.

Secondly, what happened first? You stopped emailing your husband, and THEN you met AP? Or you met AP and then stopped emailing your husband? Seems trivial, but it's not. The way you wrote it reduces your responsibility, but I suspect the truth is different.

Thirdly, did you tell your husband with a straight face that over 18months you only had sex six times? I assume he'd be like me and not believe you. Lies like this can turn a man's heart cold and black. 

Fourthly, you provide specific numbers of encounters as if that makes what he did worse. You want to be the victim here, but you aren't. Day 1 of the affair was/is your responsibility. The old axiom holds true....''what goes around, comes around''. Let's see if you can stick around, like your husband did, and grow up, (the both of you) and move forward. 

My advice. Like MattMatt said, get counselling, take FULL ownership of your part of the problem, and don't needlessly destroy the lives of two children for both your actions.


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## surprise (May 25, 2020)

Thank you everyone for taking time and effort to support me during this trauma. Thanks for all the valuable guidance. I appreciate your help. 
Husband is British. He was a student when we met. My dad owns a cafe bar near his university. I used to help dad. Hubby and I were living in dad's house until he decided to move back to UK. 2years after marriage he left us to secure a job in the UK. We were in different countries for almost two years (22 months). 
Yes I'm graduated but never had work experience apart from helping dad. 
I hold a dual citizenship as husband is British. So I am eligible to work in the UK. As adviced I must start working and be financially independent. 
Thank you everyone.


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

Unfortunately, there are some people who just can't really recover the love and trust once their spouse betrays them so terribly the way you did your husband.

Your hurt is absolutely legitimate. Absolutely. But you need to understand: YOU opened the door and did the damage. Had YOU not cheated first, he probably never would have.

I am sorry you are hurting and hope you can work it out but I'm trying to be Frank and real.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I don't intend to be mean, but I'm going to be blunt.
You met Karma. Karma bites.
You opened up the can when you cheated on your husband.
Now you know how the wife of your AP felt.
Now you know how your husband felt when you did him dirty.
Because things were not properly dealt with at the time, husband went out and had what was no doubt a revenge affair.
To some degree, I can't say I totally blame him. However, he has now lowered himself to your level.
Now you both are selfish, broken people. WTD?
Both of you need some intensive IC. You need to address your malfunctions. He needs to address his demons and pain.
When both of you are engaged enough in IC to determine whether or not you want to be together and build a relationship, some MC may be in order (if you stay together.)
Regardless of the outcome, you are both parents. You need to at least achieve minimum proficiency in co-parenting.
Marriage is hard work if done correctly. Valuing and nurturing your relationship on the front end, coupled with communication, would have prevented a mess that has damaged two families. Best of luck.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Please seek assistance from a IC for both of you. There are poor boundaries and communication between him and you. I feel your A wasn't addressed but more of a rug sweep. I think there is more to this. Maybe it is time to move forward as individuals. Both have burnt the marriage. I will say it is never ok to assault or abuse another regardless of the situation. Be it physical, verbal, emotional, financial!
One day at a time.
Buffer


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The minute I read that Casanova had moved to another country and was all settled in and loving life, I already KNEW he was screwing around. Call me cynical, but I already KNEW it, long before the OP admitted Mr. Wonderful had had a 4.5 year affair ending in 2016.

It's not like the guy has an *ounce *of remorse and if he's capable of screwing around for 4+ years, then he wasn't playing checkers in the park while living overseas.

The OP's husband had pretty much blown the OP off and was doing the absolute MINIMUM (actually he didn't seem to be doing even THAT) to help keep their marriage afloat while living overseas. In fact, she stopped contacting him and it was a while before the POS even realized she had. Of course this did NOT give the OP the right to visit her troubles on some married guy and be a part of exploding THEIR lives. Jesus.

In either event, the ONLY one making any effort at all to stay in contact was the OP - and she was continually being met with *indifference* from her jackass husband.

Why on earth you didn't just divorce him at *that* point is beyond me.

Don't make ANOTHER bad decision and take this lying POS back. I don't know the laws in Canada so you need to visit a lawyer and find out exactly what you could expect in the event of a divorce.

Then I'd kick this worthless piece of **** out the door so fast even his MOTHER would feel it.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

It might be that since you voided the fidelity portion of your marriage vows, he didn’t think it would be a major issue for you. Now the question is that will you do as he did after your affair? Will you forgive and forget after 6 months?

I have a friend that had a revenge affair a few years after his wife’s affair. He later admitted that he wanted the wife to get comfortable and believe that they had reconciled completely before he had an affair, so that she would feel the same pain that he did. He said that it was the only way that his resentment wouldn’t eat away at him, and he would ultimately hate her. He showed her all the evidence of the affair, such as texts, photos, and a calendar of when they got together, including so-called business trips. He tried to mimic her affair as much as possible. After admitting to everything, he then said that the decision to divorce or stay married was up to her.

they restarted MC, back at square one

his revenge affair was a few years ago, and last time I asked, he said the marriage was still moving forward in the right direction


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kamstel2 said:


> It might be that since you voided the fidelity portion of your marriage vows, he didn’t think it would be a major issue for you. Now the question is that will you do as he did after your affair? Will you forgive and forget after 6 months?
> 
> I had a friend that had a revenge affair a few years after his wife’s affair. He later admitted that he wanted the wife to get comfortable and believe that they had reconciled completely before he had an affair, so that she would feel the same pain that he did.


Wow I guess revenge is best served cold but then does it really solve anything.
I think the OP needs to reevaluate the marriage, I think the marriage was never what she thought it was. He was overseas doing God only knows what and he wants the family, kids and the wifey but also a bit on the side. She made matters worse because now it gives him a 'get out jail free' card. What a mess. I think divorce is the only option.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I had a revenge affair about three years after my wife cheated on me. This was a culmination of my spending three years drunk and then meeting up (via a writing group) with a woman who was also a borderline alcoholic and who, like me, had tons of issues. We were an accident waiting to happen. 

I realised what I was doing and told my wife what had happened and I went no contact with the OW. Even before I knew what NC was. 

Years later I found TAM and have used it as a resource ever since.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The whole situation sounds toxic. Time to for you to work on yourself and move on.

Besides bad is bad, you both did horrible things to each other and others. There are not saints here. Yes it hurts but it hurt him, it hurt your AP wife. That is what an affair is. 

As to why he would do it maybe he still loved you and wanted you to suffer, maybe he doesn't love you. Maybe he felt like you opened the marriage so he can too. 

I think it's time to stop trying and move on.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

At the risk of sounding absolutely callous, this is his revenge on you for stepping out. I have seen this before. It was cold and calculated. I will guarantee that it was done to effect the maximum amount of pain. I am sure when you confronted him there was a minor look of satisfaction on his face. I have had people in my office wailing that their BS laid low for months if not years, lulled them into a false sense of security. Then reveal an intense revenge affair, or be on their way out the door. Sorry if you are not getting sympathy. Yes he could have left as soon as he found out, but at the outset, he probably did not want to be out of the marriage. It takes a while, but anger always kicks in. I have warned reconciling couples to be on the lookout for anger latency. It can lie dormant, then it expresses itself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Taxman said:


> At the risk of sounding absolutely callous, this is his revenge on you for stepping out. I have seen this before. It was cold and calculated. I will guarantee that it was done to effect the maximum amount of pain. I am sure when you confronted him there was a minor look of satisfaction on his face. I have had people in my office wailing that their BS laid low for months if not years, lulled them into a false sense of security. Then reveal an intense revenge affair, or be on their way out the door. Sorry if you are not getting sympathy. Yes he could have left as soon as he found out, but at the outset, he probably did not want to be out of the marriage. It takes a while, but anger always kicks in. I have warned reconciling couples to be on the lookout for anger latency. It can lie dormant, then it expresses itself.


Or the product of drunken stupidity or being mentally broken? The weird thing was my revenge affair actually made me feel worse than my wife's affair did. I ended up on medications for a while.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You are in an open marriage.

You're the one that opened it up.

I'm more concerned about your husband hitting you. That should be an instant dealbreaker, affair or no affair. Has it happened since?


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## surprise (May 25, 2020)

Repay evilness with evil? Are we animals or humans?
Revenge does not serve right when someone feels sorry, remorse and repents. Karma repeats itself when there is no sincerity in repentance. Is revenge the only option ? Then why should repentance and forgiveness exist? What is the difference between good and bad?

In my case there was no change even after my affair ended. Nothing changed. I still felt lonely, unloved and unimportant. If I am bad and if you are good then be good. if you call yourself as good, then offer fake forgiveness , then you take revenge then what is the difference between you and me? 
Are you not copying me ? How is that justified?
Shouldn't goodness overtake evil? 
Don't you think you are lowering yourself here?
Being good is being superior to being bad. 
If someone is being evil to you it doesn't mean that you become evil and return it to them. Then that means that person is an animal and not human. Only animals act without thinking. Humans have sis senses. Each human is able to differentiate between good and bad. If you are of good nature then you will never change your goodness for anything, anyone, anytime. If you remain good then you are in a position to judge me, punish me, point out at me, blame me or do whatever you want. If you lower yourself to do the same cheap action like me then your are volunteering to lose your self respect, dignity and judging position.

Forgiveness liberates you and makes you a better person, Revenge lowers your level and reputation.
Its a pity people are judged by the bad qualities alone. There may people who do 1000 good actions, but one mistake, just one bad action and they are seen as monsters. 

Everyone is good. Yes everyone. In every situation the choice is in front of you. Its up to you to decide if you want to be good or bad.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

surprise said:


> Repay evilness with evil? Are we animals or humans?
> Revenge does not serve right when someone feels sorry, remorse and repents. Karma repeats itself when there is no sincerity in repentance. Is revenge the only option ? Then why should repentance and forgiveness exist? What is the difference between good and bad?
> 
> In my case there was no change even after my affair ended. Nothing changed. I still felt lonely, unloved and unimportant. If I am bad and if you are good then be good. if you call yourself as good, then offer fake forgiveness , then you take revenge then what is the difference between you and me?
> ...


First of all I am not sure where you got the idea everyone is good from but you only have to know history to know that there are some very seriously evil people in this world. There are also selfish and apathetic people. I mean you understand that the last paragraph could be your husbands words to you right or maybe it was. It's hard to tell since there seems to be a different set of rules in your mind. 

Yes it's a choice and his was not the right one as far as I am concerned. I personally don't think it's right to step outside of your marriage at any time unless that is specifically stated. For instance if he told you after he found out that since you opened the marriage it would stay that way and then let you choose to stay or go I really wouldn't have a problem with this. I think it's bad strategy because there is no potential for a new committed relationship or very little as it is unlikely a new relationship could start under such circumstances. But at least that would have given you and option which is more they you gave him. So he still has the high ground as far as the marriage is concern. I also personally don't subscribe to this being the same level as what you did. You created the culture of your marriage he seems to have joined it. But I know others differ. 

Here is the thing maybe it wasn't about revenge but commitment. It's hard to expect more of a commitment from someone then what you were willing to give. Infidelity damages the foundation of the relationship. Most times it gonna leak. Look at it this way. You spend a year planting a garden with your partner, you water it every day, you tend it. Then one day you look outside and your partner has stomped all over it and half the plants are all dead. It would be kind of unreasonable for the stomping partner to complain if they wanted to go back to watering it and tending it every day and the other blindside partner didn't watch where they were walking or take the whole thing as seriously. 

I have to be honest it doesn't seem like you get it. The way describe your affair and aftermath seems kind of unrealistic. Everything you are going through now your partner went through. There isn't much difference except you set the rules. Maybe he is just not over it, like I think I said in my other post maybe he just doesn't think fidelity is that important anymore. After all he is made to live without it in his marriage now. Maybe it never was and he just got caught. 

You may never know, what you have to do is decide how you want to move forward. At it stands now your marriage seems toxic. I mean why are you in this relationship anyway, you cheated, your husband hit you, you are very lonely, your husband cheated and he is never around. What exactly is the benefit.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

surprise said:


> Forgiveness liberates you and makes you a better person


Okay, so then forgive your husband and now you are a “good” person.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

surprise said:


> Repay evilness with evil? Are we animals or humans?
> Revenge does not serve right when someone feels sorry, remorse and repents. Karma repeats itself when there is no sincerity in repentance. Is revenge the only option ? Then why should repentance and forgiveness exist? What is the difference between good and bad?
> 
> In my case there was no change even after my affair ended. Nothing changed. I still felt lonely, unloved and unimportant. If I am bad and if you are good then be good. if you call yourself as good, then offer fake forgiveness , then you take revenge then what is the difference between you and me?
> ...



Your husband never really gave you the affection and attention you needed and neglected you and the marriage. Your affair gave him an excuse to continue to neglect you and and also fool around. he does not have any remorse, there is nothing to save here. it is best if you get a divorce, he will not change.


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