# Husband is a miser and it's driving us apart



## Colldoll (May 27, 2018)

Good Afternoon everyone. I could use some advice on a situation I've been facing for years with my husband. Please feel free to tell me if I'm being the unreasonable one. I'm open to hearing that! Here is some background info on our lifestyle and finances: My husbands job is our only source of income. I am a stay at home mom to our two kids which is important to both of us. My husband has a great job and makes $125,000 a year. 

We have zero credit card debt and our vehicles are paid off. We have $20,000 in savings- not a ton of money but definitely a 3-6 month emergency fund. We are very frugal and responsible with our money. We currently live in a townhome with a mortgage of $1,800 a month. Here is where the issues come in. My husband is so strict with money that it's making me feel like a prisoner in my own marriage. Everything I want to do is met with a strong no. We can't go on vacation this year because "we can't afford it," we can't buy a new car (which we desperately need) because we can't afford it. 

I am scrutinized over every single purchase I make. We go over the bank account every single night. I feel like money is the only thing we talk about. If I spend $100 at target it's the end of the world! But here is the BIG problem. Our son is going into 5th grade this coming year. We've had a plan all along to move before middle school because the one in our district is no good. I was fine with this until a new elementary school was built and our school got rezoned. This would put our son (10) and daughter (7) into a new elementary school. I do not like the idea of them having to switch schools for next year just to have to switch again the year after when we move. I don't think it's fair to them. 

I want to move this summer. We would only make around $40,000 off our current house after paying the real estate agent and fees if we sold it now. While it's not a huge down payment, it's enough to buy a $350,000 home near us and still have a comfortable mortgage payment. My husband will not budge on having a 20% down payment. I feel like he is putting his comfort level above everyone else's needs. It makes me feel like I'm trapped and he has the ultimate say in everything. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I'm starting to resent him and don't want to!!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Colldoll said:


> I am a stay at home mom to our two kids which is important to both of us.
> My husband has a great job and makes $125,000 a year.


Ok. This is all good.



Colldoll said:


> We have $20,000 in savings- not a ton of money but definitely a 3-6 month emergency fund.


No, it isn't. Your mortgage alone for 6 months will require more than half of that. 



Colldoll said:


> I want to move this summer.
> it's enough to buy a $350,000 home near us and still have a comfortable mortgage payment.


No, it isn't. Even at a 30-year term, this payment at 3.9% would be $1466. The taxes on a 350,000 house are likely 12000 yearly, which makes that mortgage payment $2466. 

Your husband's income, even if I consider absolutely no put-aside for retirement savings, is about 7500 take-home. Your mortgage payment eoulf be a full third of your income. Toooooo high. Your budget will be tanked.

My daughter and son-in-law could not be convinced that a similar house change to what you are describing was not at all a "good move".... they had a combined income similar to your husband's. They had an affordable mortgage on a house in which their down payment was substantial, and provided good equity. They really needed to stay there.

By and by, my son-in-law lost his $80k job, and could find only about $45k starting. My daughter contracted cancer. She never worked again. The real-estate market in the area they moved into caused the salable worth of their $375,000 house to be about $250k. Foreclosure. Thankfully, the courts were so backed up with over-extended family homes, they were able to stay there while she convalesced for 4 more years.



Colldoll said:


> My husband will not budge on having a 20% down payment.


Nor should he. He knows there are added costs which will eat some of that 40k, there are moving costs, and you will wind up consuming the 20k you have now in savings. Your SAHM status will be soon over. Not only that, your husband is looking "down the road".... the time comes when he will no longer be able to provide that kind of substantial income. Neither will you, because you have not advanced your career, being a SAHM. This is REALITY.

Your kids need YOU. They don't need the same school, they need the same YOU. If you provide them with that, like you are currently doing, the school will not be any kind of permanent issue in their lives. They will make new friends, and there is no real reason why they would have to lose the old ones.

If your husband is a "miser", you may well thank God for it. It sounds to me as if your husband has a clear, rational stance aimed totally at providing a stable home, and a full-time mother for your children. 

When you say "its important to both of you"...you may well believe it of your husband.
Go give him a warm hug, and kiss him, and praise him for being a good husband and father, who puts you and his children first.

It just might be that your husband feels your urging to increase spending constantly. To him, this may be an indicator that he needs to be firmly entrenched with "no" as his answer. He sees you making judgements based upon your feelings. He feels the need to provide judgement based on FACTS. 

May I suggest:

https://www.amazon.com/Husbands-Their-Wives-About-Money/dp/0882077589

This is a great book by a wonderful man and christian leader who led countless thousands of families out of the debt trap and into a contented, manageable financial life, and substantially-improved marital harmony.


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## Colldoll (May 27, 2018)

Thank you for your response. Our taxes would not be nearly that high. I've done the full break down and we would be at around $2,000-$2,150 a month depending. That's only about $300 a month more than we pay now. We also have zero debt other than our mortgage. 

As far as the kids and their schools, I couldn't disagree more. Yes, ultimately they need us the most but being switched out of your school in 5th grade and then being switched again to a whole new middle school is traumatic for a child, especially one like my son who is quiet and takes awhile to make friends. I certainly don't think a difference of $300 a month to avoid that is crazy but that's just my opinion!


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## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

You are in a very good financial position. You have zero debt outside of the mortgage. Your children are still very young. Expect your cost to increase in the near future.

Instead of building resentment, sit down and treat your financial future as a business transaction. Get involved in your investments. If you are debt free, with a reasonable mortgage, your money should not be in a savings account. Just because you are a SHAM, doesn't mean you should be a silent partner.

Set up a business meeting and do not take no for a answer. Write down your notes and be prepared to negotiate and stick by the terms. If you want vacations and a little fun in your marriage (which I strongly advise) be willing to give up the move for a year or two. He is right, but so are you.

You should also negotiate a small amount of money just for yourself. A SAHP is a job. You dont need your personal items scrutinized.

There is no point in resenting your husband if he is trying to do what he thinks is best for your family. However you do have a say in this. Try a different approach. Become a team member, not a foe.

Blessings for your family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Colldoll said:


> Good Afternoon everyone. I could use some advice on a situation I've been facing for years with my husband. Please feel free to tell me if I'm being the unreasonable one. I'm open to hearing that! Here is some background info on our lifestyle and finances: My husbands job is our only source of income. I am a stay at home mom to our two kids which is important to both of us. My husband has a great job and makes $125,000 a year.


Maybe it’s time that you consider getting a job that you can work while your children are in school. Or maybe get a job that allows you to work from home. You clearly live in a high-priced area. An income of $125,000 is a good income, but in a place that his high property values it does not go that far.

Does you husband have 401K savings at work? Does he also have a separate retirement. Does he have disability at work, both long term and short term?


Colldoll said:


> We have zero credit card debt and our vehicles are paid off. We have $20,000 in savings- not a ton of money but definitely a 3-6 month emergency fund. We are very frugal and responsible with our money. We currently live in a townhome with a mortgage of $1,800 a month.


Six months of your mortgage will take up $10,800 of your savings, leaving $1,533 monthly to live on. That’s not a lot with 2 kids and a middle-class life style. So, it will be tight. You two should be shooting to save enough to hold you over for 1 to 2 years.



Colldoll said:


> Here is where the issues come in. My husband is so strict with money that it's making me feel like a prisoner in my own marriage. Everything I want to do is met with a strong no. We can't go on vacation this year because "we can't afford it," we can't buy a new car (which we desperately need) because we can't afford it. I am scrutinized over every single purchase I make. We go over the bank account every single night. I feel like money is the only thing we talk about. If I spend $100 at target it's the end of the world!


I think that this is the problem. You feel controlled and not like an equal partner. He’s not your father, he’s your husband. I get where he is coming from and where you are coming from. The two of you need to work on your goals until you both agree. 



Colldoll said:


> But here is the BIG problem. Our son is going into 5th grade this coming year. We've had a plan all along to move before middle school because the one in our district is no good. I was fine with this until a new elementary school was built and our school got rezoned. This would put our son (10) and daughter (7) into a new elementary school. I do not like the idea of them having to switch schools for next year just to have to switch again the year after when we move. I don't think it's fair to them.
> 
> I want to move this summer. We would only make around $40,000 off our current house after paying the real estate agent and fees if we sold it now. While it's not a huge down payment, it's enough to buy a $350,000 home near us and still have a comfortable mortgage payment. My husband will not budge on having a 20% down payment. I feel like he is putting his comfort level above everyone else's needs. It makes me feel like I'm trapped, and he has the ultimate say in everything. Any advice would be greatly appreciated because I'm starting to resent him and don't want to!!


Your children will be just find with the school changes as children are not really all that fragile and resilient. Your marriage and the fact that the two of you are not getting along is the biggest issue for your children, not the school changes.

Your husband as a valid point of view. You do not have enough in savings if something happens such has him losing his job. It can take a lot more than 6 months to find another job. If he does not have a 401K and both long/short-term disability the problem is even bigger.

Your husband feels 100% responsible for the financial wellbeing of you and your children – because he is. That’s a very heavy burden.

Your husband is also right that having less than 20% down payment on a home could be a problem because it can drive up the interest rate, which will increase the payment for 30 years (if you get a 30-year mortgage. 

But you are right too in that your marriage should be a partnership, not a relationship where it’s his way or the high way. This sort of relationship will naturally lead to rebellion on your part. I don’t blame you. I would not respond well to the way your husband is handling this either.

Forget about moving this summer. You don’t have the down payment. Your kids will be just fine. Instead work on your relationship with your husband and the way the two of you manage money.

There is a good book about how to handle finances that I think will help the two of you. It should help him be less controlling and you feeling like you two are equal partners.

*Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner*
 
I have not read the 2018 update to the book. But in the older edition there is one thing that he leaves out. It’s that both of you should have a discretionary spending amount. Each month, after you put $$ in your savings and pay all your bills, buying groceries, etc; any remaining funds should be divided between you and your husband. And each of you can blow that money any way you see fit. In your case, where you are most likely the one who spends on the children, you two might want to divide any left-over funds by 3. He gets one portion and you get two so you can spend on yourself and children. You can save it, you can go on a shopping spree, and the other cannot scrutinize how it’s spend. It’s liberating to do this. 

The author does bring up that if you don’t plan to have money to spend, then you will feel stifled and not keep the plan. 

There are two other books that would help you both fix this and other issues in your marriage. For example you say that money is about the only thing the two of you talk about anymore. Well that’s a huge problem and your marriage is doomed (no I’m not being mellow dramatic here) if that’s the case. Here are the books 

*Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits*

and

*His Needs, Her Needs*. Read them in that order. Read them together. We read them aloud to each other taking turns with each chapter. Then do the work they say to do, together. 

Your marriage and your now broken relationship, not the money and not your children’s schools, are the problem. This is what you need to fix.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Colldoll said:


> Thank you for your response. Our taxes would not be nearly that high. I've done the full break down and we would be at around $2,000-$2,150 a month depending. That's only about $300 a month more than we pay now. We also have zero debt other than our mortgage.
> 
> As far as the kids and their schools, I couldn't disagree more. Yes, ultimately they need us the most but being switched out of your school in 5th grade and then being switched again to a whole new middle school is traumatic for a child, especially one like my son who is quiet and takes awhile to make friends. I certainly don't think a difference of $300 a month to avoid that is crazy but that's just my opinion!


Why can’t you get a job?
Even a few hours a day when the kids are in school would help your family finances and could surely pay the extra costs for the school.
And maybe when your husband sees that you are willing to contribute to the household budget he might loosen the purse strings a little.
I have to say though that your attitude to financial decisions would concern me in his shoes,you have everything figured out to keep YOUR life as you want it but you don’t seem to take his concerns on board.Twenty grand is not a lot of money for a family of four to fall back on,I would recommend having at least six months salary in savings before deciding to buy a new car much less a new house.
Your budget doesn’t allow for the fact that life throws problems at you such as job loss,long term illness for one of the family,etc.Even an unexpected rise in interest rates can cause serious problems.
As a previous poster said maybe have a meeting with a financial planner but you have to be willing to step up not just talk.


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## Colldoll (May 27, 2018)

Andy1001, I do not understand your attitude about me not working. My husband is not upset about me not "contributing" to the household and prefers me not to work. He has a very demanding job that keeps him away from the house for long hours. I do all of the household work and child rearing. I am lucky that he knows that is hard work and finds it unfair for me to work and have 100% of the household responsibilities. This is what we found works best for our family and there is no resentment from my husband on our part. When our youngest is older I will return to work but that is not our priority right now. 

I think other comments are 100% correct in that my frustration is coming from how money issues are dealt with. I am not irresponsible with our money (hence the no credit card debt) and I'm very involved with our finances. What bothers me is that my husband gets the ultimate say in everything and it makes me feel like a teenager talking to my father. My husband is very loving and kind and we get along in every other way besides dealing with money. I think my husband is great with our finances and I respect that but I think he takes it a bit too far. He can be this way with everything truthfully. His personality is a bit anal and high strung but it really only bothers me when it comes to money. I am going to try reading these books and seeing if we can come up with a better system. I have to be honest and say I'm extremely bothered about the kids changing schools. I changed schools in 6th grade and it was a horrible experience for me so perhaps my fears are based more off of my personal experience than they are reality. 

It is so very frustrating that a salary of $125,000 a year does not allow us more freedom here in Maryland. I thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. It was very helpful.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I think you guys should agree on a certain monthly amount of money that is yours to do with as you please. He can be anal about all the other finances, but he has to be totally hands off with that money. No scrutinizing those purchases. A reasonable amount that you both agree is doable.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Colldoll said:


> being switched out of your school in 5th grade and then being switched again to a whole new middle school is traumatic for a child, especially one like my son who is quiet and takes awhile to make friends.


I went to 6 different schools between first grade and high school graduation. I guess I just don't "get it". But I accept that is your opinion, and you are entitled to it.

What we're trying to say to you is that this issue between you and your husband does not boil down to school change, or to $300 monthly. We see that you and your husband are polarized over how each of you views money, and your views on money are not at all "on the same page". This can be a huge stressor.....

Input from a 3rd party on this is a great idea. You can buy the book I suggested for less than $2.00 used on Amazon. I thought that might be a good choice because it wouldn't be met with "no" from your husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Colldoll said:


> Andy1001, I do not understand your attitude about me not working. My husband is not upset about me not "contributing" to the household and prefers me not to work. He has a very demanding job that keeps him away from the house for long hours. I do all of the household work and child rearing. I am lucky that he knows that is hard work and finds it unfair for me to work and have 100% of the household responsibilities. This is what we found works best for our family and there is no resentment from my husband on our part. When our youngest is older I will return to work but that is not our priority right now.
> 
> I think other comments are 100% correct in that my frustration is coming from how money issues are dealt with. I am not irresponsible with our money (hence the no credit card debt) and I'm very involved with our finances. What bothers me is that my husband gets the ultimate say in everything and it makes me feel like a teenager talking to my father. My husband is very loving and kind and we get along in every other way besides dealing with money. I think my husband is great with our finances and I respect that but I think he takes it a bit too far. He can be this way with everything truthfully. His personality is a bit anal and high strung but it really only bothers me when it comes to money. I am going to try reading these books and seeing if we can come up with a better system. I have to be honest and say I'm extremely bothered about the kids changing schools. I changed schools in 6th grade and it was a horrible experience for me so perhaps my fears are based more off of my personal experience than they are reality.
> 
> It is so very frustrating that a salary of $125,000 a year does not allow us more freedom here in Maryland. I thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. It was very helpful.


Your reaction to your kids changing schools is probably based on your experience. Mine comments are based on mine. My family moved constantly due to my father's job. I just learned to fit in quickly and really enjoyed all the moving around. Your children's reaction to the school changes will have a lot to do with how you frame it to them.

The issue here is that there you and your husband do not agree on a very important issue. Disagreements over money are a major cause in many divorces. It can rip your marriage apart. Plus there is the feeling you have of him treating you like he is your father, not an equal partner in marriage. You have to resolve that before anything about your children and their school.

Changing schools may or may not upset your children. If your marriage fails, it will upset your children and affect them far worse than changing schools ever will.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Colldoll said:


> Andy1001, I do not understand your attitude about me not working. My husband is not upset about me not "contributing" to the household and prefers me not to work. He has a very demanding job that keeps him away from the house for long hours. I do all of the household work and child rearing. I am lucky that he knows that is hard work and finds it unfair for me to work and have 100% of the household responsibilities. This is what we found works best for our family and there is no resentment from my husband on our part. When our youngest is older I will return to work but that is not our priority right now.
> 
> I think other comments are 100% correct in that my frustration is coming from how money issues are dealt with. I am not irresponsible with our money (hence the no credit card debt) and I'm very involved with our finances. What bothers me is that my husband gets the ultimate say in everything and it makes me feel like a teenager talking to my father. My husband is very loving and kind and we get along in every other way besides dealing with money. I think my husband is great with our finances and I respect that but I think he takes it a bit too far. He can be this way with everything truthfully. His personality is a bit anal and high strung but it really only bothers me when it comes to money. I am going to try reading these books and seeing if we can come up with a better system. I have to be honest and say I'm extremely bothered about the kids changing schools. I changed schools in 6th grade and it was a horrible experience for me so perhaps my fears are based more off of my personal experience than they are reality.
> 
> It is so very frustrating that a salary of $125,000 a year does not allow us more freedom here in Maryland. I thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. It was very helpful.


The reason I suggested you get a job is that you both seem at loggerheads over three hundred bucks a month.Even at minimum wage it wouldnt take long to earn this amount.If you have the money then he can’t argue about it.
I have a sort of similar situation in my life,my fiancée has a son from a previous relationship and she refuses to let me pay for anything for him.We came to an agreement that anything he needs other than food,clothing etc she pays for from her own earnings.Problem solved.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Colldoll said:


> It is so very frustrating that a salary of $125,000 a year does not allow us more freedom here in Maryland.


Yet 88% of the people in this country earn less. You are lucky to be married to a man who can earn a good income so that you can be a SAHM.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Colldoll said:


> My husband is very loving and kind and we get along in every other way besides dealing with money. I think my husband is great with our finances and I respect that but I think he takes it a bit too far.


Yes, I can see that he is very kind and good with your finances, I can also see your "side". This polarization is common, even in good marriages, concerning specific major subjects like money, child-rearing, etc.

Your children's experience may be not at all equal to yours, in changing schools. They could also have a bad experience next year, even if they remain in the same school.

In one of my grammar school years, a new teacher was hired, and I was assigned to his class. All of us, who were close friends, were subjected to some of the worst humiliation and disparagement by this teacher, I couldn't really call his punishments "cruel" but they were indeed "unusual", to say the least. He was "canned" at the hands of several of the other teachers in the school, who vehemently disapproved of his methods, and sent to leave the district as well as that specific school.

None of us have a "crystal ball". As Yogi said "...it's difficult to make predictions...especially about the future.." 

My income was once $125k.....and that was in the day when it was still worth at least $75k.... Things in this seventh decade of life, get quite different.... I'm glad you and your husband are sitting on solid ground. You'll need it.....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The first thing I would do is thoroughly explore how to keep the kids in their current school next year. In this area the schools have a portion of their slots open to those out of the official zoning. It is the parents' responsibility to transport the kids to/from the school if it is out of the zone.

How many of your kids' friends will be in the new school? With the rezoning there would likely be a lot of the same kids in the new school from your immediate neighborhood. So I don't think they'll be in with an entirely new crowd if you stay where you are for another year.

My guess is that you can minimize the amount of change the kids experience without having to move this year.

Now as to the finances, my question is how can you have 20% next year but not this year? The numbers don't seem to add up. Are you aggressively paying down the mortgage currently? Is money going into a separate savings account for the future down payment?

My experience over the last 40 yrs of homeownership is that the market does indeed fluctuate a lot, and it can be quite unpredictable. Plus, the entire market in your area will basically move in the same direction. So if your current house has gained 10% in value in the last year, you might guess it will gain another 10%. Maybe, maybe not. But if it does, the other houses will too. So that $350k house will be $385k a year from now. Ultimately it is best to look at your home as an expense not an investment. With luck you will gain net wealth over time with the house, but a lot of people also lose wealth with their home! Basically I'm saying be cold about the math. Don't base decisions today on assumptions what the housing market will do next year.

Having said that, interest rates will be going up for the next number of years. How fast, nobody knows. But a mortgage will be more expensive next summer than this summer almost certainly. Home values do tend to move opposite of rates to somewhat offset the difference, but it is fair to guess housing will be more expensive next year when including interest rates. If it is already an agreement that next summer you will move to a $350k home, and the numbers all make sense, there is some good argument to do it this summer in that it reduces the risks. One risk is prices go way up and/or interest rates go way up, making a new home unaffordable. Another risk is the market tanks and you can't sell your current home.

What I advise my adult children is to not go from 30 yr mortgage on one house into a new 30 yr mortgage on the next house. You end up hopping from house to house over several decades, and never pay off the mortgage. Instead, get a 15 yr mortgage if at all feasible. Then if you move only have a mortgage that lasts as long as how much is left on the old mortgage. If you move after 5 years in your first house, get a 10 yr mortgage on your next house. If you move in 3 years from that house, only get a 7 yr mortgage. If you don't do this, you will arrive at retirement age still paying on your mortgage, effectively having rented for 45 years!


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

First, depending on where you live 125k is not a lot of money. With federal and state taxes, You are probably taking home what 100k a year. The you should be saving at least 20k a year for retirement and 10k a year for college. So that leaves you with a little less than 6k a month. Now if you want to do a decent vacation every year and go out to dinner once or twice a month you are down to 5k a month for necessities and other discretionary spending. Mortgage, Property Taxes, Insurance (car, home, life) Utilities, Food, Gas, Clothes, Fees for kids activities, Medical, Dental, Birthdays, Christmas etc...... And next thing you know your out of money. 

And never buy a house with less than 20% down.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

If your husband's "miserliness" does drive the two of you apart, you're in for a rude awakening in your lifestyle change, including a need for your employment.

I think he is being prudent financially and I'd venture you are less than responsible with a dollar, which is why he has to say NO so often.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happyhusband0005 said:


> First, depending on where you live 125k is not a lot of money. With federal and state taxes, You are probably taking home what 100k a year. The you should be saving at least 20k a year for retirement and 10k a year for college. So that leaves you with a little less than 6k a month. Now if you want to do a decent vacation every year and go out to dinner once or twice a month you are down to 5k a month for necessities and other discretionary spending. Mortgage, Property Taxes, Insurance (car, home, life) Utilities, Food, Gas, Clothes, Fees for kids activities, Medical, Dental, Birthdays, Christmas etc...... And next thing you know your out of money.
> 
> And never buy a house with less than 20% down.


I bought my current house with 0% down a GI loan. It was a foreclosure that I was able to pick up at about $100,000 under value. Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to buy with less than 20% down. Ya have to look at the whole picture.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I bought my current house with 0% down a GI loan. It was a foreclosure that I was able to pick up at about $100,000 under value. Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to buy with less than 20% down. Ya have to look at the whole picture.


The op is restricted in where she lives because of the school jurisdiction issue.Maryland is an expensive place to live and I think her husband is wise in not buying a new home without at least a twenty percent down payment.Every grand he pays upfront will save him thousands over the life of a mortgage.
There is no easy solution to this and that’s why I suggested she pay the three hundred a month herself.If little problems can be eliminated then big problems don’t arise.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I bought my current house with 0% down a GI loan. It was a foreclosure that I was able to pick up at about $100,000 under value. Sometimes it makes a lot of sense to buy with less than 20% down. Ya have to look at the whole picture.


Under a circumstance like you describe yes that would make sense, but in todays market your not going to find a foreclosure that is going to go for 100k under market unless it's a 1.5 million dollar place. In that case your still going to have to come up with 200k to get to 20% down. 

Also make sure you read your loan docs and make sure if the loan to value breaks above a threshold you cannot be declared in default if you have not been in default on payments.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Easy call: It's his money, he earned it, he gets to make decision what to do with it.

You want to spend more: You get income, you earn it, then you get to spend your portion (less your half of the expenses).

* you really think you have to stay home : negotiate your allowance with daddy.

everything else is excuses and justifications for some bs crud.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Easy call: It's his money, he earned it, he gets to make decision what to do with it.
> 
> You want to spend more: You get income, you earn it, then you get to spend your portion (less your half of the expenses).
> 
> ...



No, it's THEIR money, and they should be making a joint decision. It's not a dictatorship.

OP, that being said, when it comes to really BIG changes in a marriage, I think it is generally best that BOTH spouses need to say "yes" before the change can go forward. That would include such things as buying a big house, having another kid, etc. That's because such decisions put responsibilities on BOTH spouses, so BOTH should be willing to accept the burden before it goes through. In a sense, EITHER spouse can veto a decision. After all, think how it would feel if your personalities were reversed--if you were more cautious about money than your husband. Wouldn't you feel that it is unfair that a load of financial responsibility is dumped on you if you weren't agreeing to accept that responsibility? Of course you would. That's why EITHER spouse should be able to veto something like this.

And as a side note, I would point out that, so far, although there are a few naysayers, the majority of posts so far appear to agree with your husband's cautious approach---especially about the 20% down payment. And you can count me in the group that agrees with your husband. At least 20% down payment is much more prudent, and being an older poster, I have seen the good and the bad times, and have been burned in the past. So, there's a reason that I, and others, advocate caution here--we want you to learn from our hard experiences.

And I would point out that your husband really isn't being rigid---he's not saying he would NEVER more up to a bigger house, he's saying he wants to wait for the 20% down payment. At that's just the smart thing to do in the vast majority of cases. And I'd also point out that a $20,000 emergency fund is NOT very much at all. It assumes your emergency would not include big expenses on top of your current budget (big medical bills, car repairs costing thousands, unexpected housing repairs not covered by insurance, etc.) that would rapidly consume big chunks of your reserve.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I've played that role for decades. We were making a lot more in income and had a top school system, secure jobs.... Then Trump got elected, he started gutting Obamacare, and wife's plush position in an insurance company went bye bye...

With a McMansion and two kids in grad / med school... Not fun.

If the school difference isn't too much stay put. A house is a money pit. Big time. A bigger house, even more.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Something doesn't compute here. 

He brings in $125K
Your mortgage is only $1,800 and you have zero other debt
He is miserly and scrutinizes every purchase

... and yet you only have $20K in savings???

There seems to be a whole lot of money missing somewhere.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

A couple of thoughts -

He is likely not viewing this issue with the kids changing schools in the same light that you are. As a mom, I get emotional and heavy hearted when I think about my kids experiencing hurt or discomfort. Thinking about them walking into a cafeteria for the first time and not having a friend to sit with... being alone at recess... being anxious about school... it hurts. I'd sacrifice a lot to give them the most comfortable life I could give them, without even a second thought about it. I can understand your gut reaction to an extra $300/month. In my heart I'd simply pay what it takes to do what I feel is right by my kids. I was also a shy kid and had difficulty finding a new group of friends at times. 

However - if you take a few steps back and try to distance yourself from that emotion - you might see it as slightly less traumatic. First, you can't always shield them from discomfort. Sometimes it's got to be something they work through on their own... a chance to learn and grow. Second, are there things you can do to help them if they have to stay where they are and change schools later? After school activities or sports they can join in the new school district to get to know a few other kids in their grade before school starts? 

Your husband is likely purely logical and doesn't let the kids emotions factor into his decisions. My husband often reminds me that he had to go through quite a bit of difficulty as a kid, and that he just had to deal with it...and that what our kids face is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes I think he's a bit harsh but in my head I know he is right. 

The best thing I think you could do is to find a mortgage advisor to meet with both you and your husband and to run the numbers with you both. The interest rates seem to be going up right now and that is what would worry me about waiting to buy (especially if you are taking about definitely moving in the next 12 months anyway). A mortgage lender should be able to give you some feedback about pros and cons of buying now with less down payment vs buying in a year with a bigger down payment. Have you had your current house appraised or looked at by a realtor to give you advice on a realistic selling price? 

I'm in Maryland too btw, so I understand the cost of living and housing cost issue here! 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Easy call: It's his money, he earned it, he gets to make decision what to do with it.
> 
> You want to spend more: You get income, you earn it, then you get to spend your portion (less your half of the expenses).
> 
> ...


Be careful. I don't think she is looking for this kind of advice, her PMs to me make it clear she's not. She wants a cheering section, not real life advice.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* Cooldoll
being switched out of your school in 5th grade and then being switched again to a whole new middle school is traumatic for a child, especially one like my son who is quiet and takes awhile to make friends.*


Well, I guess I must be really screwed up because my family (mostly my mother, me,a sister and an angry stepfather) moved 28 times between 2nd and 10th grade AND sometimes I lived with my mother, some times with a married brother in a different state, and sometimes with someone else until things were calmer at my mother's home.

I never earned $125,000 a year, more like a third of that and I saved enough for a retirement that resulted in no decrease in my standard of living. BTW, I paid off my house in 20 years instead of 30 yrs.. Now my taxes and insurance are what my taxes, insurance and mortgage payment was when I built my house. OK, I fix a lot of things so rarely buy new major items. I only had 1 new economy car and now it is 10 years old. I did all of the repairs on my cars which saved me some money. The money I didn't spent went into a retirement-investment account. I am also the treasurer of an investment club. We did OK 8 out of 10 years and 2008 was one of those not so good years.


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Colldoll said:


> It is so very frustrating that a salary of $125,000 a year does not allow us more freedom here in Maryland. I thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. It was very helpful.


Ahh, Maryland. Go back to that comment about the mortgage payment where you said your taxes were "not that high". Actually, they are. The real estate taxes in your mortgage payment may not look 
that bad but do not forget about the county level income tax which is which is anywhere from 1.75% to 3.2% of income. That is another $150 to $300 per month, in other areas of the country that would be in the mortgage payment not hidden on the tax return...

Your husband has a really solid grasp on things financial. I do agree with others that maybe there is some small adjustments that could be made that would let you feel you had a bit of personal monetary freedom. I bet if it was approached in that light hubby would go along enthusiastically. Just do not try and railroad him into the unaffordably house, be appreciative of his solid long term thinking .


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Honestly, I don't see the house as the issue. Your husband is being pretty smart about that. Most budget management people will tell you that your housing should NEVER be more than 25% of your monthly budget. So yeah, school change or not, he's right.

However, the rest of it is an issue. You have ZERO freedom or discretion. I mean, my husband and I do not make big purchases without talking, but if he spends 25 bucks on a new hat or I download a new album on iTunes, nobody has a fit. Unless there is some huge financial deception in the past on your part or you go through money like water or something, it appears to the objective observer that your husband is highly controlling financially....which is NOT good.

And as far as you working, if you and your husband mutually decided that you stay home, and if he feels that it is important for you to stay home, then stuff what anyone else says. You have to understand that we all come online with our own.....baggage.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> She wants a cheering section, not real life advice.


To be fair, so do most people who come here!


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I was greatly helped in this continual "battle" between my former wife and I. I did not read the specific book that I suggested to you, but I had read 3 of Larry Burkett's other books.

My wife was CSA survivor, and hence, very sensitive about being "controlled".... her fears instilled in her by a wicked man from her childhood had actually caused her to be controlling, but that's not what I'm here to tell you. I just stated this for the "backstory".

My solution was this.... I set up a bank account in my name only, into which my paychecks would be deposited. I kept the joint account active, and transferred money into it periodically. I set up all bill payment, retirement savings, tax quarterlies, etc, to be known only to me, so that both she and I were preparing for the future and keeping our needs being paid for.

She then had "control" of her own spending, did not feel as if I was "controlling her" (I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to control HER, only the financial situation of our family, but she just didn't "get it"), she then had freedom to get what she wanted and pay for it how she chose and when she chose, without asking me (which, she considered "control").

I know you are nowhere nearly as irresponsible with money as my former wife.... I just thought there might be an idea in this that you and your husband could use in any way you two see fit.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> To be fair, so do most people who come here!


Cheering sections contribute to winning seasons through encouragement. Encouragement is the 10% share of the game. The 90% share of the game comes from the coaching staff and the peer-to-peer constructive criticism, example, and sharing of experience.

That being said, I know that I should be more attentive to the encouragement side of things. It is, for me, a point well taken.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Colldoll, you said you've been putting up with his tightwad ways for years, no debt beyond mortgage payments, et cetera, yet y'alls liquid net worth is $20k. Bang y'alls net income over the last 5-6 years against the savings and see what percentage of his $125,000 you're saving each year. In other words, you can't afford a $350,000 house girlfriend.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Yet 88% of the people in this country earn less. You are lucky to be married to a man who can earn a good income so that you can be a SAHM.


Exactly right! Or perhaps even more on point, while they as a household bring in more than 88% of the country, that 88% includes households with multiple incomes. At $125k individual earnings, the OP's husband is well into the top 10% of earners.


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