# My 31yr old husband isn't interested in sex with me..but watches porn?



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We've known each other all our lives. We have a 10 year old daughter. I'm 30 and he's 31. I have a part time job and he works full time as a construction worker. He has a demanding and stressful job. He works with his Dad ( not easy) and is out in the Georgia heat all day, everyday. I try to have the house picked up and dinner either planned or going when he gets home. He's tired when he gets home. He usually either hangs out with some friends for a little while to unwind or lays on the couch for a little while...I said all that to say this ..I realize he is tired when he gets home..but my problem is..he is totally not interested in having sex with me. He says all he thinks about is going to work and coming home. This has been going on for at least 2 years. I feel so fat and gross and ugly! The worst part is I've caught him several times watching porn! Most recently I caught him looking at personal ads (pictures) on Craigslist. He said he just wanted to see what kind of people put that kind of stuff on Craigslist..He's been on that website a lot lately because he's looking for a boat. It's made me hate myself. He says he just doesn't have a high sex drive. And that nothing he does will make me feel any better about my self. He says I'm the one with the problem. He can go weeks without touching. He will put his arm around me when we go to sleep but it's like he's afraid to touch me because he doesn't want it to lead to sex. We fight about this all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to join the Y and maybe that will make me feel a little better about my self..but it's not going to fix the problem. Im afraid it's going to drive us apart. I feel like his roommate.
Please Help!!
P.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

This isn't about how you feel about yourself. It is abnormal for a man his age to not want sex. He is pulling it to porn and no longer can relate to a real woman, is having an affair, or is afraid he can't perform. He may not be attracted to you - I take it you put on weight. But he could talk to you about that.

I agree with working out to make you the best you can be... but not for him. For yourself and your next guy. I would kick this one to the curb. You are to young to be stuck in this place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks so much for your advice! I feel everything you just said! I have gained some weight but I'm not huge. After last night I have a sick feeling in my heart. We haven't had sex since last Tuesday. Last night I took a long bath and shaved and had on my cute little gown..and I got 3 finger tips on the knee. I tell him all the time I feel like something is going on, he's either seeing someone, or not sexually attracted to me anymore. He says that's what I think, not what's true. This happens all the time. I think about having sex all day, at night I take a long shower and shave and smell good and even fix my hair sometimes! and I get nothing! Like he doesn't even notice me. I hurts so bad! I love him but I don't love how this makes me feel. I don't know what to do anymore. My friends don't understand because they have sex 2 and 3 times a day sometimes! And THAT makes me feel even worse! They say I should just make a move and make him get into it, but that's hard to do when you know he doesn't want to.


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## Katya (Jun 23, 2011)

Peace, I feel for you! I've been there, totally.

I was married for 12 years with similar behaviour from hubby. He was a little more concerned though--he knew he had a low drive and it bothered him--we did a tiny bit of counselling and when things perked up for a bit, stopped going, but it didn't last. He saw a specialist who checked his hormone levels and stuff, but all seemed fine physically.
Then we had a huge crisis (won't get into) and got into serious counseling. About 2 months in I found out about the porn, which I had been completely blind about. It became clear that he had been escaping into the porn and rebuffing me all due to his fear of rejection and anxieties about intimacy, etc.
2.5 years of counseling later we're doing ok; much more aware of the issues underlying all this for sure. We recognize now when we're disconnecting from each other and not sharing our hearts. We're still battling cycles of fear and rejection from each other and I kinda wish we could still be in counseling, but like I said, we're ok.
So, not that you wanted to hear another sob story, but this just set off all my bells. Some people think porn is ok (I would not be one of those people, but that's ok), but almost everyone here agrees that if hubs is turning to porn to the rejection of his wife, it's a baaaad situation. For many guys, porn is a poor substitution for the acceptance and intimacy that they are actually craving. Porn doesn't require anything from them like a wife does. If he's actually now looking at ads and perhaps fantasizing about what he could be getting without the strings of marriage and kid, he's completely disconnected from you and fooling himself that he could find satisfaction elsewhere. (whatever dysfunction in him that sabatoged your sex life is just going to follow him to another encounter).
I'm reading a bit into things here, it may not be completely him. In counseling I learned that while I was not responsible or to blame for my husbands porn use and subsequent betrayal, there were 'triggers' I inadvertently employed that added to the problems between us. We needed to identify those and give them the boot! (but man they sneak back...tricky little buggers).

Be aware that according to our counselor, there are stages and steps to porn abuse and after viewing various levels, it will move onto acting out. If he's looking at ads, he's thinking about, or perhaps already acting out and that's when you're really going to be devastated, so I would advise you to try and root this out as soon as possible.
Don't let him convince you that nothings wrong, that this is all normal guy stuff. Not normal. Not healthy. Going to lead to heartache--to use the tired phrase, been there, done that.

If you want this marriage, you're going to have to fight for it girl.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks Katya! I've asked him to talk to someone or go to the dr. but he won't go. He spends a lot of time with his frends and I've always trusted him..and his friends. But today I have the very strong need to be sneeky. I feel like maybe he's not really going into work early like he says he is..but he gets off early when he does that so that makes me think he's not lying about that. I don't freaking know! He gets mad when I try to talk to him about it. He says he knows he doesn't want to have sex as much as I do and he's sorry..and that's it. It has consumed me today. I have a bad gut feeling Im about to find out something I don't want to. But, it's better to know and live the truth than to keep living a lie if that's what's happening. My mind is just all over the place. I keep going to the full length mirror saying. Am I that bad? I just want to scream!


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## married woman (May 4, 2011)

I see where you have said that something is going on...either he is having an affair or he is not attracted to you any longer. I think that he is having an affair with the porn and he is turning his attraction towards pornography instead of you. This is not anything you have done wrong. I have been through all of this as many of us have and I am hoping you will believe what I have learned. Men's urge for sex builds constantly until they release. If he is taking care of himself and his release all of the time, there is no room for you. Instead of focusing his desire on you and your attractiveness, he is focusing it on porn and self pleasure which pushes you out of the picture. Looking back on my experience, I do realize that my husband and I had become somewhat disconnected due to jobs and 3 kids, ect. He says that during all of this time and all of the many times he used porn, he was never not attracted to me. It became a habit and an escape from our disconnect and the many stresses of life. We were still having sex at least once a week and I did not know he was masturbating regularly to porn on the computer. Once I discovered it, I became extremely insecure and threatened because I realized how disconnected we were and how unhappy I was. I felt like he was giving me a very small percentage of his sexuality and was using the rest on porn. I also had a hard time (and still do sometimes) with the secrecy component and the fact that he didn't come to me if he wanted sex more.
In your case, your husband is giving porn 100% of his sexuality. In my experience, having open communication was the only thing that started making things better. It took a while and a lot of patience from both of us but things are better.


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

Someone mentioned "kicking this one to the curb" I disagree

Not yet at least anyways.

I do agree with working on yourself for YOU! That is important, you need to gain some confidence back within yourself (and that is sexy) That easily could build his sex drive up.

Porn,he needs to stop. That will pull couples apart. It isnt the real world and he will want to stay in that fantasy world, so porn needs to go. 

I like how you are really trying to make this work!

I do feel however, there is a big communication gap between you two. This is a common problem in marriages, and marriage counseling would definitely be a great idea, if he was willing to go.

Try to talk to him more about what is going on with him, without being pushy. It is important you arent pushy about it. 

And take care of yourself, lose some weight, be social etc. Gain some confidence back and know that your not the one losing out , he is.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If he keeps shifting blame and refuses to do anything about this, the curb is the right place for him. Nobody should live with the soul destroying nature of being replaced with any thing or any one in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Get rid of the porn out of your life.

It will destroy you both because he is not present in your relationship. 

His time is invested in the airbrushed cyber babes. It could move from fantasy to reality and a tailspin for you from there.

His desire for Porn means he may ( in fact, will) break your heart. It's hurting already.

You need professional help.

This might help in the interim.

Pornography Lies - Focus on the Family

The text is below.

1.	Lie: Women are less than human. The women in Playboy magazine are called "bunnies," making them cute little animals or "playmates," making them a toy. Porn often refers to women as animals, playthings, or body parts. Some pornography shows only the body and doesn’t show the face at all. The idea that women are real human beings with thoughts and emotions is played down. 


2.	Lie: Women are a "sport." Some sports magazines have a swimsuit issue. This suggests that women are just some kind of sport. Porn views sex as a game and in a game: You have to win, conquer or score. 


3.	Lie: Women are property. It's common to see pictures of the slick car with the sexy girl draped over it. The unspoken message is, "Buy one, and you get them both." Hard-core porn carries this even further. It displays women like merchandise in a catalogue, exposing them as openly as possible for the customer to look at. It's not surprising that many young men think that if they have spent some money taking a girl out, they have a right to have sex with her. Porn tells us that women can be bought. 


4.	Lie: A woman's value depends on the attractiveness of her body. Overweight or less attractive women are ridiculed in porn. They are called dogs, whales, pigs or worse, simply because they don't fit into porn's criteria of the perfect woman. In fact, if someone is attracted to a heavyset woman, porn labels that a fetish, which means sexual obsession or hang-up that isn't "natural." Porn doesn’t care about a woman's mind or personality, only her body. 


5.	Lie: Women like rape. "When she says no, she means yes" is a typical porn scenario. Women are shown being raped, fighting and kicking at first, and then starting to like it. Porn eroticizes rape and makes it arousing. Women are shown being tied up, beaten, and humiliated in hundreds of sick ways and finally begging for more. Even while being tortured, the porn actors and actresses have a smile on their face — a look of intense enjoyment. Porn teaches men to enjoy hurting and abusing women for entertainment


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You mentioned that he works out in the heat all day, but is it really strenuous? Our bodies can become accustomed to routine, and still be out of shape. Also, I was wondering about his weight and eating habits. Pre-diabetics can really be hit hard in the sex drive.

I recently read an article that talked about this issue, and I have to agree with many of the premises. Years ago, I was in a short term work situation that was incredibly stressful. Considering that my wife and I had a pretty healthy sex life, this came as quite a blow to her that I suddenly just didn't want to have sex as much. She asked all the questions that you are asking of yourself. Am I unnattractive? Am I too fat?

That's what this article was about that I recently read. Low sex drive in men, if not physical, is usually centered around feelings of our own inadequacy. Maybe its in being a good lover. Or guilt when she feels bad.

In my case, my wife told me that she wanted to have no expectations until this work situation was resolved. She just wanted to be able to give massages, or other things I liked. So, why was she wearing that skimpy lingerie? It was very enticing. And it turned this stagnent period around. I began to really connect with her sexually, and the stress was forgotten. In my case, it was all about stress, and then the stress of seeing her feel so bad. I'm not saying that I deserved her response, but it worked.

I'm not at all suggesting that stress has to be his problem. It seems like he is just displaying many traits of a person who feels inadequate. Often, guys feel too insecure to open up. Some immature ones go through blame games, porn, etc. It's such a shame that it makes you feel like you do, because this is very rarely the cause, in my opinion.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Your H is on a slippery slope - especially if he is progressing from looking at porn to looking at things on craigslist.

If it were me, I'd draw a hard line on this and insist that he works on the marriage with you, and that would include unplugging the porn and turning his sexual energies toward you. They will never be fully turned toward you as long he diverts them to porn.

How willing is he to work with you on it? I think that you two could benefit from some professional help, as in marriage counseling. If he's not willing to go, then go to counseling yourself. Start working on making yourself happy - get in to shape, go out with your friends, get some counseling so you can make some decisions.

Best wishes.


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## saveamarriage101 (Jul 13, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> If he keeps shifting blame and refuses to do anything about this, the curb is the right place for him. Nobody should live with the soul destroying nature of being replaced with any thing or any one in a marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I agree, if he keeps doing what he is doing. There are however, steps to be taken before that should happen.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My self esteem was crushed when my H kept rejecting me for porn, too. So I completely know how you feel. I am just now recovering my self-esteem. You should definitely start working out again and eating well. i've been working out regularly for a few months now and im feeling a lot better about myself. im dressing nicer and feeling better. And i've stopped chasing my H. That helped a lot, too.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thank you all for replying! we or I talked about it this afternoon. He got mad and went outside. When he came back I told him that I wasn't trying to start an argument. I just don't understand. He said all he can tell me is that he is tired when he gets home from work. he layed across the bed and listened to what I had to say. He denied having an affair. I asked him why he never says that he can't wait for our daughter to go to his moms so he could have his way with me..why he never talks about wanting to make love to me..he says he doesn't know.He says he thinks about having sex but he just doesn't do it. I asked him why it never crosses his mind, if he's truely just tired, to do something extra special for me to show me he still loves me and finds me attractive..he just shrugged. I said well maybe if you would just start messing around with me you would get in the mood...and he snapped back..well I guess Ill just start doing it even though Im tired and I don't feel like it! ....Ummm excuse me? What? who says that? I told him Im tired of living this way..it's been going on for 2 years at least.
And the porn...I've told him so many times how that makes me feel. He says he's not watching it anymore...well that's because I just caught him last week! The day or 2 after I caught him I saw some old porn DVDs and lube on top of some things in a drawer..I had forgotten those DVDs were in there..they were from a very long time ago when we tired to spice things up..so, he's still lying and he;s still watching porn..it's just old cheesy dvds..and he thinks I don't know that.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Also, I feel like I've tried everything to get him in the mood. I've searched all day looking for the perfect lingerie, I've been dressed up with no where to go when he gets home, I give BJs (sorry but its true) only to end up getting nothing in return..not even when I tell him how turned on that makes me. He gets release and I get nothing but anger and frustration....HE'S ASLEEP RIGHT NOW. IT'S 7AND HE'S BEEN ASLEEP SINCE 4. Resting up for a long night??? I doubt it. UGH!!!!!!!!!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Peace2000 said:


> he snapped back..well I guess Ill just start doing it even though Im tired and I don't feel like it! ....Ummm excuse me? What? who says that?


My H told me that he resented me for trying to *make* him have sex with me...wow. all the lingerie i owned went in the trash that night, along with any relationship book I ever bought. that was the night i stopped turning to "us" and started just trying to fix me. I told my H what I expected him to do if he wanted to stay married to me (just counseling) and then i never really talked about us again. i put all my energy into fixing my newly acquired temper and low self-esteem.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I am sorry you are going through this.. I am going through this also.. 

I cant tell you if he is having an affair. I would NOT rule it out as a possibility though. You are the only one who really knows your husband. Take some time step back and watch him and take notes.. Find out if his behavior is ODD. 

My h does the same exact things.. EXCEPT got the porn, i haven't found any for quite a while. We go months, usually any where from 2-4 months with out sex. I try to get him in the mood and he pushes me away. But i haven't tried anything in over a year. I know exactly how you feel..

Right now the only option i can see for me is to file for divorce, because being in a sexless marriage is not what i signed up for.

I wish you luck.


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

My H graduated from Porn High and enrolled into Flesh University soon after. Just saying...


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

He's not attracted. For years, I've used porn in which pretty mundane things were performed, with women who reminded me of actual women I've been with before. Because I had little animal sexual attraction to my partner, since I fell in love with her as a person and not as a sex object. Every now and then the animal part would take over, I'd think "she's quite doable" (once, twice, for a couple of weeks), and then default to the usual rut. [N.B. At the time the relationship couldn't be simply broken off for multiple reasons.]


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## Katiemelanie (Apr 20, 2015)

My first marriage was like that. My husband never wanted to have sex with me. I took it very personally, but was confused because I was fit and attractive. I had him go get tested medically (which you should encourage), but his test results were normal. I found porn only a handful of times. No pun intended. I constantly felt rejected. We ended up divorcing. He came home one day and said that he just didn't love me and only thought of me as a "friend". This was after 11 years of marriage. I encourage counseling and lots of it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Zombie thread.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@Peace2000, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I'm actually on the same boat as you and my H is the same age as yours!!! I've been struggling with the same problem for 2 years or more now, and your situation as well as your H's response / reaction is very similar to my H when I first brought on his needs and lack of sexual desire / intimacy in our marriage. 

A little background: I'm not someone who's against porn, as long as porn doesn't affect basic needs of having sex with your partner. I'm even open to watching porn with my H to spice things up but he has always rejected the idea. I have not gained or lose more than a few lbs since this marriage 3 years ago. H is a honest guy and would never cheat, at least that's what I know of.

I'll share my experience with you trying to "talk" my H through this problem- 

2 years ago - 1st attempt questioning lack of sexual desire. 

His response: Nothing was wrong. Don't think too much. Said I'm confused with lust vs. love.

1 year ago - 2nd attempt (I still didn't know he was turning all his needs to porn, still at the question stage, but I had a gut feeling that he was getting his needs met on his own and did question about that). 

His response: Blamed me for "always needing sex", I would get rejected just going to him once a week or sometimes even once every 2 weeks, so his "always" was exaggerated. He would say things like "what else can I do to save this marriage besides banging you on a regular basis", or "omg all this self esteem talk is really attractive".

About 5 months ago - 3rd attempt (by this time I turned to TAM and was pretty sure porn was the problem, my self esteem and self confidence by this time was at the lowest in my entire life, I would get jealous over a girl he meet or a nice comment about a waitress's ass, and I've never been the jealous type because I had self confidence). I decided to try to give it my all, give him more bj, stop asking... well... that didn't go very far. He would take the bj, sex was still once every 2 wks if I'm lucky, and its really something that he would just take off his pants and tell me to climb on -_-

His response: He was so sorry that his habit caused so much pain and hurt to me, he understood and had no idea that I could be so hurt by this, he said he'll quit porn and see. Things seemed to have gone well for about a month or 2, he would turn to me for sex at least once a week, he would even tell me when he masturbated but only because I was "unavailable". Well... that didn't last long.

Last month - 4th attempt (I asked if there is anything I can do to get him to be more interested in me, lingerie, porn together, more bj, etc. And that I needed an answer because I can no longer sit around feeling so insecure around him due to his lack of desire, nor can I live my life with someone who is never going to make love to me again).

His response: First said he is sorry that he's so weird, nothing wrong with me, its just him... doesn't know why... sounds familiar??? I told him to think about it and give me an answer the next day, so the next day, he said he was never attracted to me, you can see my thread that I posted on TAM. 

Moving beyond how painful it was for me to hear that... Truth is, I believe that the attraction talk was his way to keep living with his porn and finding excuses for me to give up on asking for intimacy altogether. He was probably confused and wanted to find answers, well... an answer that was mostly convenient to him to get what he wants. I brought up divorce, he said he loves me and that sex is not important in a marriage. For a few days while I completely withdrawn from this marriage he was acting so nice. But a few days later, he acted up on me when I talked to him again, said I brought on this problem to our relationship, and I have never ending problems that he is just numb to solving anything, also said quitting porn won't do anything because there will be some other problems... Oh, and "its like asking someone to eat at 7pm when you are hungry at 5pm"... - sounds familiar too??? The last conversation with him he made it completely my fault AND HE have been emotionally distant and withdrawing any affection since. That was about 15 days ago...

At this point, today, I'm not so sure what to do either. I think he is right about "never ending problems" because you see, not feeling the desire from your H causes resentment, jealously, angry, low self esteem and the list of negative energy goes on... and many things that we overlook when we feel their desire / love for us as simple as doing their laundry or him meeting a girl that would normally not be a threat to us can become problems due to the lack of desire from our H, and if we choose to voice up it can often leads to chaos. 

To fix this, I think it all boils down to how strong is your / his love is in the marriage, in other words, how much efforts are both of you willing to put in. 

Perhaps ask yourself these questions: 

Do you love your husband to be able to accept who he is, and even if it means that he might never cheat on you with somebody else, but he will most likely always turn to porn for his needs and therefore loses interest in you for maybe the next 5 yrs, 10 yrs, or the rest of your marriage? Can you accept this without hurting yourself? Can you make the effort to drop all resentment, self esteem, and just accept that you are not wanted by him.

How porn affects intimacy is something that requires maturity to understand, and it is him that have to realize this to make the change. Your tears and hurtful feelings or hours of talk bringing on his addiction to him might get him to stop for the 1st or 2nd time, but by the 3rd or 4th time he might just shut down and begin to see your needs as being never ending needs, needy or nagging (although its the same problem). Well, that's just my experience.

Do you believe that your husband loves you enough to be able to understand how his selfishness is affecting you as a whole and the marriage? Maybe not today, this year, but some years in the future? Do you think he loves you enough to be able to see this himself and will eventually make the effort to quit porn until he can learn intimacy with you all over again?

I'm not so sure what to do at at this point. I love him greatly and I know he loves me. But there is no solution as I can't stop him from using porn as he is already beginning to resent me with my request for intimacy. Which means its leading him to all porn and no making love with me, period. My therapist told me that he's confused himself and I'm trying to work with his confusion so I'll keep hitting brick walls if I keep insisting on finding a solution at this time. 

That's why I'm working on myself more than ever and just waiting things out in my marriage. It doesn't do any good that you are crying alone feeling ugly, unattractive, unwanted, while he is living in his world of blocking this problem as something that needs to be fixed on his own will. 

I know its tough because I'm trying to do that right now. But you have to try to stop feeling bad and gain control of your life and yourself. Once you live for yourself, and stop needing anything from him, that may be the time where things will change for the better, or you will realize that he made you felt so horrible and he's just not worth it for you anymore. Hope things work out better for you. Lots of support!


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Oh, one very important thing to do, and if he's willing, is to start seeing a sex therapist / counselor immediately with him. My H won't go so I'm seeing one myself for the sake of controlling my own emotions throughout this tough time. Hopefully your H is willing to at least go to counseling with you. But if he doesn't, its somewhat helpful to go yourself.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

The heat can be a real drain. Last weekend, my husband was out in the heat working on something for a couple of hours. I thought I would surprise him while he was gone. He mentioned how he wanted to see me in a schoolgirl skirt with pigtails some time ago. So I got all dressed up with the skirt and pigtails and greeted him when he got back. He said I looked good but didn't make a move at all. I did get upset about it and he explained that he was just too tired at that time. And my husband has a high sex drive, so I believed him.

So what about on his days off? Are things better? Is he more receptive to you? Also, how much in shape is he? Does he exercise and eat right? Don't take the porn personally, he probably just is tired. I don't think it means he prefers watching porn to being with an actual woman. 

Lastly, how is your attitude to him in general? I understand completely if you are resentful but is he sensing it? Do you complain about a lot of stuff?


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

anonymous388 said:


> @Peace2000, I'm so sorry that you're going through this, I'm actually on the same boat as you and my H is the same age as yours!!! I've been struggling with the same problem for 2 years or more now, and your situation as well as your H's response / reaction is very similar to my H when I first brought on his needs and lack of sexual desire / intimacy in our marriage.
> 
> A little background: I'm not someone who's against porn, as long as porn doesn't affect basic needs of having sex with your partner. I'm even open to watching porn with my H to spice things up but he has always rejected the idea. I have not gained or lose more than a few lbs since this marriage 3 years ago. H is a honest guy and would never cheat, at least that's what I know of.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much for this post. It was very encouraging to me. I am in the same situation and am completely at loss at to what to do. I love him very much and I know he loves me. In every other way he is so good to me, but I don't think he will ever understand what the porn does to me or how it negatively effects our marriage. Doing that would take some self reflection and an honest assessment of himself. I don't think he will ever do that...he might see something about himself he doesn't like, so it is just easier to pretend that it is no big deal and really my problem.

I really don't want a divorce, but the prospect of living like this for the rest of my life is so depressing. I don't know what to do.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Things must have been easier in the pre-porn days. The choice between your hand and a mate you're not attracted to must have resulted in more frequent choices of the latter. That's why we should all try to instill confidence in our sons, to decrease the chance they'd be choosing the lesser of the evils when they're at the same junction in life.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

@wringo123 - hopefully we can support each other. I've been reading alot of self-help and men's psychology books, communication is the key to everything, how you communicate can turn the situation into complete opposite directions. Nothing can be fixed overnight as much as we'd like to. We're all humans with emotions and thoughts, we are women! lol. 

Step into his shoes for a moment, he probably thinks that sex is just sex. Making love doesn't even exist or he doesn't know what it is because he's not able to see beyond sex. He can't show his desire for you because he doesn't desire you, or he thinks he has no desire for you from constantly brainwashing himself to pages and pages of perfect women in porn. Then think about it yourself, do you really need his desire for you to live happily in this marriage? Probably. But by nagging him about this topic is not only turning him off more, you are making yourself ugly, vulnerable, needy, insecure... who wants to be someone like that? I bet you hate seeing yourself like that just like I did.

Here is something that is working for me, gain more knowledge by understanding men (and its not just for the sake of fixing issues with your spouse, although that's what started me to pick up these books, but even if this relationship doesn't work out, you're more likely to learn how to communicate with men better in the future.)

Seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Instead of holding in your negativity or resentment toward your spouse, and end up saying things that you don't mean or communicate in the wrong way and worsen the current situation, turn to your therapist for all your negative thoughts, emotions, etc. You'll be surprised how much less you will want to talk to your husband about "problems" after you have a therapist or counselor to help you guide you through balancing your thoughts. 

Working on yourself, doing things you like. I just booked a trip to Asia with friends and to see my family.

Once you are able to regain control and find happiness within yourself, I'm sure you'll have a different perspective toward the situation. 

Relationship goes both ways, if he thinks what he is getting from porn is his "ideal" sex life in a marriage, then I don't have much hope for him to understand what making love is all about. Attraction, desire, bonding, are all feelings, there is really no explanation to how to do it right or wrong. If he feels his desire for you, he will act on it. Much like all the lust at the beginning of the relationship. If he doesn't, he won't. Some good men, I've heard, realizes it themselves and quit porn to recoup intimacy with their wives, but from the feedbacks I've got before, it is safe to say that these men understood what making love is before they had the "porn-only" episode, and they were able to see the difference.

Just what if our husbands never really experienced love making because they were always turning to porn since childhood. What if they are not able to identify sex vs making love? Is it really their fault? 

Aside from the lack of sex, there are probably things that he's not meeting your "ideal" in your marriage either. Not that you have to accept a sexless marriage, but you can choose to live with it for now if the love is strong, and in the meantime rebuild your confidence so you can love and respect yourself. At least we all know that nobody will respect your body if you don't respect yourself.


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## Gypsywife (Jul 30, 2015)

I know exactly how you are feeling. My husband has every excuse in the book except those things don't seem to apply to the porn he is CONSTANTLY downloading. I am so sick to my stomach because he tells me all the time that I must think he is a liar when he says I'm beautiful and guilts me into shutting up. I'm 28 in fairly decent shape and certainly not ugly but I'll be damned if I can get him to show any kind of interest even while we are doing it! Every time I have tried to talk about it he dominates the conversation turns it around and makes me feel like an idiot until I later realize the things he says are contradictory to previous statements he's made but I just give up because why express a feeling or need if he's just going to make it his own? Sadly I feel we are most likely headed for divorce. I hope your situation turns out much better than mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a thread from 2011. If you want support for your problems, please start a new thread for yourself so that others can respond to you. 

I"m closing this Zombie thread.


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