# Considering Divorce



## Honeybee0317 (Mar 11, 2020)

Hello everyone,

I really needed a place to think through things and plan my next steps and so I find myself here. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated! Long story short, I have been married to my husband for six years. I made a youthful mistake and rushed into the marriage at 23 a year after college. I have outgrown my relationship, no longer feel attracted to my husband both physically and mentally, and feel it’s time to move towards divorce. He has never had a job that’s lasted more than a few weeks and does not have a good work ethic. 

He relies on his parents‘ money, but has shifted toward relying on me for almost all living costs this past year. I have tried to talk to him about his behavior but he gets defensive. Two years ago I told him I was considering divorce after ending an emotional affair. I stuck around to see if we could work things out. He made promises, but nothing has really changed. I think I am done waiting. I’m trying to keep this short, but please let me know if I should provide any more details on our marriage.

My main question at this point is how long do I give him to organize his finances before I move out to live on my own? Once I have enough saved to comfortably cover moving expenses, I’ve calculated that I can still comfortably afford living on my own while still saving for the future. However, before I can do this, I would need to stop covering our current bills. There is a second bedroom I could stay in temporarily but I would rather not for long since my husband can be emotionally manipulative and I’m afraid I’ll cave on my decision again. He’s done things like calling his parents in tears in front of me, calling my parents upset without my consent, and talking of having suicidal thoughts if I were to leave him. 

Where do I go from here?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

He's an adult. Don't worry about him; he's been busy only worrying about himself all this time. That's where all this emotional manipulation is coming from - protecting his meal ticket and security blanket.

Where do you go?

1. Do you have a lawyer? Have you discussed a plan to protect your assets with the lawyer?
2. What will the living arrangements be? Who will be leaving the marital home? 
3. Have you backed up all your important info - birth certificate, medical records, etc?
4. Do you have a safe place to go and a plan for telling him?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

You do not need to wait till he has his life together. He is an adult who should have his life together always. 
If you want to be nice, tell him you want to separate and you will be moving out in 2 months. This gives you and him some time to get things together.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Honeybee0317 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I really needed a place to think through things and plan my next steps and so I find myself here. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated! Long story short, I have been married to my husband for six years. I made a youthful mistake and rushed into the marriage at 23 a year after college. I have outgrown my relationship, no longer feel attracted to my husband both physically and mentally, and feel it’s time to move towards divorce. He has never had a job that’s lasted more than a few weeks and does not have a good work ethic.
> 
> ...


Do him a favor...File.
Was it you or him that had the affair?

Get him "12 Rules for life" tell him to read it. 
It's the least you can do, if you care about him. 
He's a lost boy....you don't have to save him, but you can point him to the path out of the dark woods.
In the long run....that's for your benefit as much as his.
Even after you're gone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Honeybee0317 said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I really needed a place to think through things and plan my next steps and so I find myself here. Any advice you could offer is greatly appreciated! Long story short, I have been married to my husband for six years. I made a youthful mistake and rushed into the marriage at 23 a year after college. I have outgrown my relationship, no longer feel attracted to my husband both physically and mentally, and feel it’s time to move towards divorce. He has never had a job that’s lasted more than a few weeks and does not have a good work ethic.
> 
> ...


You go to a lawyer, that's where you go.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> You go to a lawyer, that's where you go.


Matt stole my answer. 

I once had someone threaten over and over to kill himself if I left him...guess what? I left and 30 years later he's still making women miserable. 

You have ONE life to live on this planet...do you want to waste it with him? If not, call a lawyer, NOW.


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## Honeybee0317 (Mar 11, 2020)

I don’t have a lawyer right now. I would have to research and see if I could afford one. He’s from another country where we were married, so to legally be divorced I believe I would eventually need to return there to process the divorce. 

I would be leaving the marital home. He bought our current condo with his parent’s money. I am grateful to his parents for their support over the years, and know I am partially at fault and played a part in enabling my husband’s behavior. I don’t have any interest in keeping this home after a divorce because it would be a reminder and I want to be completely 
independent. 

I do have backups of important documents. I am hoping to have a studio apartment prepared for when I tell him. I would like to move immediately, not because I feel he his physically dangerous, but I’m afraid I’ll feel guilty in the moment and back out. I know at the moment I feel more determined, so maybe I would be okay with living out of the second bedroom for 2 months.

And I had the emotional affair for about a year, and ended it 2 years ago. I think it was done mostly due to depression and anxiety from the marriage. I have since replaced this with spending more time with a girlfriend from work and my sister, and going out more/hiking with my dog.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Honeybee0317 said:


> I don’t have a lawyer right now. I would have to research and see if I could afford one. He’s from another country where we were married, so to legally be divorced I believe I would eventually need to return there to process the divorce.
> 
> I would be leaving the marital home. He bought our current condo with his parent’s money. I am grateful to his parents for their support over the years, and know I am partially at fault and played a part in enabling my husband’s behavior. I don’t have any interest in keeping this home after a divorce because it would be a reminder and I want to be completely
> independent.
> ...


First lawyer consult can often be free - check and see. 

So it sounds like you can basically pack up and leave?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

I'm sorry...."RUSH" into marriage at 23....after college? Are you serious?
People have married from ages 18-23 since the beginning of time, 23 is plenty ripe for marriage. 
What distorted theory are you falling for, that you have to wait until age 30 and have dated for 4 years, have your 
second home together...THEN think about marriage? 
Anyway, "I don't love him anymore", that isn't a cause for divorce. You sound like a microwave society, instant gratification, me, me, me, 
relationships are all about me and what I get and me feeling great all the time or else divorce time. 
Your reasons for divorce seem pretty pathetic and shallow. 
You make decisions not based on it always being good for you or always being good for him but for what is good for the MARRIAGE.
You stay connected by always courting each other and dating and doing new things together and staying fit and attractive for each other and 
putting each other first. 
Why shouldn't he divorce you? You've already been unfaithful to him. You sound pretty sucky yourself. 
You have an affair...get lazy and in a routine and bored and it is "divorce" time. 
Please.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Honeybee0317 said:


> I don’t have a lawyer right now. I would have to research and see if I could afford one. He’s from another country where we were married, so to legally be divorced I believe I would eventually need to return there to process the divorce.
> 
> I would be leaving the marital home. He bought our current condo with his parent’s money. I am grateful to his parents for their support over the years, and know I am partially at fault and played a part in enabling my husband’s behavior. I don’t have any interest in keeping this home after a divorce because it would be a reminder and I want to be completely
> independent.
> ...


I am certain you can get divorced where you live now, without having to involve his home country.


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## Honeybee0317 (Mar 11, 2020)

By “rush” I wasn’t entirely referring to my age. It is different for everyone, and I think people develop on their own journeys. When I had married him we had only dated for one year, I had never lived together with him, and I don’t think I knew him that well overall. I, personally, am still learning what kind of person I am. 

As for my husband, I have tried being supportive, have paid for career counseling, helped him with his resume, helped with job applications, cooked for him, cleaned for him, and more over the past five years. 

And also, money isn’t the problem for me. I know there are other ways to contribute to a marriage (which I believe is not only based on love but is a partnership), like groceries, housework, listening to each others’ problems... I would be happy if he simply had hobbies or things he were passionate about but at the moment his only hobbies are playing poker at a casino. I would be happy if he simply got a part-time job to help out just a little and show that he was serious about not using his parents’ money anymore. But again, he doesn’t. And I have communicated my concerns to him time and again. He has promised that he understands my feelings and that committed to changing. 

Please ask me for more details if needed. I do take ownership of my affair and I will never hide what I did from friends or future partners. I am human.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Do you have faith / religion ?

I cannot give advice on quitting your marriage which you've already admitted doing once before. That damage was done by you and your choices on that as your husband's choices are his.

Its this simple - it absolutely takes two to make a marriage work and you can only do your side. If you are quitting then decide and go, its not fair to anyone to linger. Quit and move on. If your love for him is strong you will fight as hard as you can to not lose something that important .... until you can't anymore.

I'm coming from this as a marital victim of a wife who quit on me. I see it from that side.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Honeybee0317 There are questions you need to ask yourself. These are only the start of the questions:-

1) Why did you marry him?

2) Why and when did you stop loving your husband?

3) Why did you cheat on him?

4) Does he deserve better? I.E. the opportunity to be with a woman who did not cheat on him and who loves him?

5) Can you save your marriage?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@Honeybee0317 I moved your thread to "Considering Separation" to help you get the specific advice you request.


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## Honeybee0317 (Mar 11, 2020)

I’m sorry—I think I was a little too defensive in my last post. I know I’m far from perfect and have definitely harmed my husband in the past, and maybe I’m painting him in too negative of a light. Sorry if the rest is a jumbly mess. 

I married him because of how affectionate and sweet to me he was. I had also been studying his native language in our last year at college and he had offered to tutor me. That was how we met. I think that gave us a lot to talk about and share. I then went back with him to his home country after graduating where I taught English. Maybe he felt more confident being in his home country, but we did go to new places together and overall did more together. During that year we got married. He took the year off, but applied for grad school at the end of the year, and we moved back to the US for his classes.

About a year after we moved back I began to feel less intellectually attracted to him. I didn’t find our conversations interesting and I began to see a lot of the things he’d say as whiny or close minded. For instance, he often complains that his feet hurt if I suggest going for a nice walk. I also tend to disagree with him on a lot of social issues and feel that he can be insensitive to other peoples’ challenges. Because of this, I started feeling anxious when talking to him in front of other people, even family, and felt nervous with PDA. Maybe this is more indicative that I have a problem, not him. 

When he gets angry over something, he sometimes refuses to talk to me. He once did this in front of my sister, and refused to talk to her as well. We were driving somewhere afterwards and he drove really fast/recklessly. He is a little better with this now, but he does still get angry at little things sometimes (like buying the dog some treats) and yell at me. 

He graduated with his degree in two years, and since then he’s had trouble finding a job in his field. He’s had some jobs that he’s kept for a few weeks but ultimately ended up quitting because he wasn’t happy at them and they weren’t in his desired field. We have talked about his lack of luck in this aspect causing him to feel anxious and depressed at times. I have had a few periods where I was unemployed in between jobs, and I know how awful it feels. I asked him if he wanted to try therapy a few times but he said he didn’t want to. I tried to be as supportive as possible, but as you can probably tell, I eventually failed. 

When my emotional affair developed, I was starting to feel really unhappy in our marriage. He was spending a lot of time at the casino, multiple times a week. He’d come home really late, sometimes just a few hours before I’d get up for work. We rarely ate together or spent time together, especially with him waking up so late on weekends. But I hadn’t been communicating my feelings to him. I never asked him to stay home and spend time with me, or told him that I was feeling hurt by his behavior. 

So instead I reached out to someone else, my husband realized the frequency of my texts with this man (who started as a volunteer I worked with and eventually started developing feelings toward), and asked me to cut ties. I confessed that I thought I was in love with this man. 

Since then I’ve slowly tried to regain my husband’s trust, and he has been supportive and more understanding than most people would be in that situation. He is still scarred by what I did, but says that he will be better with time. 

We got a dog together, and I hoped it would give us opportunities to spend more time together. However, he still often turns me down for walks saying he’s too tired. I got back into camping last summer and tried to convince him to try it with me. He went for a weekend trip with me but he complained almost the entire time. I am down for trying out something he’s interested in (except I can’t go out for drinks) but he never initiates anything unless it’s staying in to watch a movie. Should I be more assertive?

I also struggle with depression/anxiety and my husband tries to be as supportive as possible when I’m going through a rough patch, even if he doesn’t always understand. He’s the one who pushed me to open up to my doctor and get on meds for it (this was after the affair).

He’s since fallen into a slump again. He doesn’t feed himself well except for when be occasionally cooks dinner or when I cook something for him. I think he’s given up on job searching. A few months ago I asked him if he would consider working part time to help with upcoming taxes/bills. He seemed offended and said something about not needing or wanting to work part-time. But I asked him just a few days ago (after paying for everything) and he seemed open to it. This confuses me.

While I think he could benefit from working on himself (like me), I personally think he does deserve someone who loves him without a doubt. At this point I’m really torn on whether I was TRULY in love with him, or if I could again. I just don’t feel like I can depend on him all the time, and while at the beginning of our marriage I sometimes daydreamed of having children with him, I now can’t imagine co-parenting with him in the forseeable future.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Honeybee0317 said:


> And I had the emotional affair for about a year, and ended it 2 years ago. I think it was done mostly due to depression and anxiety from the marriage. I have since replaced this with spending more time with a girlfriend from work and my sister, and going out more/hiking with my dog.


No offense but it doesn't sound like either one of you was or is emotionally mature enough to be married. At least right now.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

hinterdir said:


> I'm sorry...."RUSH" into marriage at 23....after college? Are you serious?
> People have married from ages 18-23 since the beginning of time, 23 is plenty ripe for marriage.
> What distorted theory are you falling for, that you have to wait until age 30 and have dated for 4 years, have your
> second home together...THEN think about marriage?
> ...


Why would give advice try to save this shame of a marriage, she has had an affair and he doesn't work.

Some relationships are just mistakes and the sooner you move on the better both of you are.


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