# Just don't know what to do.....



## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi All,

I have posted once before in GTDorS and got told to move it into CWI. It was a very long post and a bit to detailed so I deleted it. So here's a brief outline of events

W and I have been together for 13 years, married for 8 years. Always been very happy and spent all of our time together. In September my W told me she was unhappy and wanted to leave me. She told me that I have taken her for granted for to long and said that I treated her like a piece of sh1t. I was completely shocked as we have never argued. But she did have a point I am pretty slack around the house and I smoke to much cannabis. But I am the major bread winner in the house and have always provided for her. I recently read Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus and this seems to be quite a common reason for marriage break ups.

My W has her own business and said she wanted to move to a more central location so she could attend shows and exhibitions related to her business and have some space from me to get her head together and make up her mind what she wanted to do with her life. I was and still am completely gutted, but I wanted to do the right thing and help her with her move as much as possible. During the process of sorting out finances I discovered a massive mobile phone bill, so I went online to take a look at the bill and discovered lots of text messages and calls to one particular number. So I dug a bit deeper and went into her email and discovered a few unsuitable emails to another man, nothing sexual but more than a little friendly. Also discovered that she bought herself a burner phone. I know the OM he's a divorced single guy with a bit of a drink problem and lives 300 miles away.

I confronted my W with what I found and she said it's only ever been talk nothing is going on we're just good friends. I told her I thought that was bollox and why did she buy a burner phone. She came back with some right old bollox, told me that she thought all of our friends liked me more than they did her and that she wanted her friend that was just hers. I told her that I thought that was bollox and that you can't have secret friends of the opposite sex in a marriage.

These last few months have been really difficult and very emotional, my W has said some very hurtful things to me and this EA has got me very scared. However our last few weeks together were amazing we have been like newly weds again, and the last few days she told me that she didn't really want to leave me but felt she had to because she wanted to be 100% sure about us. 

Anyhow 3 days ago she finally moved into her new home which is 325 miles away from me and 70 miles away from the OM. She knows how I feel about the OM but denies she is in a EA with him. I told her that I don't want her talking to him anymore and I certainly don't want her to be alone with him at any time. She won't cut off contact with him but did promise me that she would never invite him into her home, but I have no way of verifying this so it means nothing really. I did tell her that he is poison to our marriage and he will be doing his upmost to get into her bed. 

There isn't really anything I can do right now, she lives so far away from me now I have no way of verifying if he's seeing her or not. I'm trying to do the 180 but I'm failing miserably she called me last night and was on the phone to me for 3 hours. Today she has been texting me on the hour and has just sent me a text now asking if it's ok for her to call me again tonight. I'd rather she rang me than talk to the OM so I'm really too scared to implement the 180. I love my W very much and I really want to try my best to save the marriage.

I'm in a very strange place right now and not sure what to do for the best.......


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are in denial. 

Start the 180 and stick to it. Your marriage is dying the slow death and the only way you can be sure of is yourself. You cannot trust your wife to make good decisions for you.

The burner phone is a dead giveaway that she is in an affair. Cannot get more obvious than that. And if she had a burner phone, she obviously has a burner email. And if she cannot even cut contact, there is no point in trying to repair the marriage. Start preparing yourself for life without her. 

You should probably start casual dating just to see how good relationships can be. Maybe that will help you realize how bad she is treating you and will help you move on.

Stop responding to her texts and ask her not to call. (What was the 3hr conversation about ?). She is knee deep in her affair. Do you think her reasons to move to that place genuine ? I think the distance is also symbolic on how important the relationship with OM and you is. (OM is obviously more higher priority)

Have you exposed the affair to family and friends ?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I think Warlock is right about most of his post but I would not date. At this poing I would start the D and if she does not want the D then she must go not contact and move home. Thats it!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She has been happy because she is getting exactly what she wanted, you at home waiting and her new place to be with the OM.

Drive up there and you will find she isn't alone.

The burner phone is a dead giveaway.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

mahike said:


> I think Warlock is right about most of his post but I would not date. At this poing I would start the D and if she does not want the D then she must go not contact and move home. Thats it!


Casual, platonic dating is fine I think. Just meeting women interested in him should be good.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

This DOG will not hunt period! If your wife has a burner phone then she is REALLY REALLY not into the marriage. If your wife moves 400 miles away, she is REALLY x 10 not into the marriage. If she says"I am not sure" it means she is very sure that you are number two and a doormat and she is not into the marriage. Your wife left the marriage about 20 months ago, she has been getting her ducks in a row with you footing the bill untill she could EASILY pull the trigger. I am very sorry for you. Keep us posted and don't do anyrhing stupid over a female homoeructus who doesn't give a ship about you. David


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dazedandconfused13 said:


> Anyhow 3 days ago she finally moved into her new home which is 325 miles away from me and 70 miles away from the OM.


 She moved away from you to be nearer to the other man (OM). She needs time away from you and near him to decide if she wants him instead of you. Burner phone, secret male friend that she communicates with way too much and against your wishes. Dude she is in an emotional affair (EA) and she wants to be free of you to try out the other man in a pysical affair (PA). She is keeping you around as her backup plan and as the main bread winner.

You may or may not be able to save your marraige. Your best chance at saving it is to be willing to end it if she does not commit right now. As of now she is spending more time bonding with him then you, so time is not on your side. Tell her to move back right now and to cut off all contact with the other man right now or you will file for divorce and move on. Tell her that she either wants to be married to you and to work on your married or she does not. Tell her that the only correct answer is yes she will move back and end all contact with the other man and that anything other than this will be treated the same as a no. Demand full transparency and passwords. Please understand that you cannot nice your way out of this. You should never have let it get this far. Act now or she is lost for sure. If she says no, then you were going to lose her anyway, but at least now you know and can move on. If she says no, expose her affair to everyone and do it without telling her first. Do not let her paint you as the bad guy, because you are not.

You matter, your happiness matters, and right now you are married to someone that does not believe this. You sound like a good guy and there are many women out there that would be thanking God everyday to have been lucky enough to have found you. Either your wife wants to be your wife and thinks that you matter or you need to find new wife that does. Trust me there is someone out there that wants to grow old with you. Someone that will make you happy. When you find her, you will be kicking yourself for ever settle for less.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop reacting, start acting.
It sounds she's just stringing you along as back up plan, in case things don't work with OM. But you need to start planning your life actively with the correct info.
So evidence gathering is always wise before the ultimatum so snoop all you can, think whether make sense to give it a chance and lay the law if this is the case.
Maybe you can get out of work for a few days and go there directly to find out what's going on. Maybe a PI... dunno.
She's already in a EA, that's for sure. The odds it's a full blown EA-PA. You know it. Maybe she's f0cking around different OMs... sometimes the only way to force them off the fence is with undeniable evidence.


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi 

And thanks for all of the replies. I've been lurking in here for a while so I expected to hear exactly what you've all said. My W is definitely in a EA with this PoS OM, I don't need to gather any more evidence I have everything I need. I'm an IT professional and I have a complete backup of her PC so I have all of her passwords for all email accounts and FB.

Warlock, the 3 hour conversation started off with her telling me that she missed me and that she was really sorry for everything, she was crying quite a lot. Then it just moved onto how her move went and then just trivial sh1t really.

I know that I'm in denial but there are a few things I just can't get my head around.

My wife has her own savings, we've always kept separate bank accounts. She has enough money to survive for 12 months without working, she's also a clever girl and will have no problems getting herself a job if she doesn't earn enough money through her business. She doesn't need me for my money so I wonder why she moved 70 miles from OM, why not move closer to him, to the same town?

She's just moved closer to OM, so why is she ringing me up and talking to me for 3 hours? Why isn't she with the OM fecking his brains out? I know if I was in a brand new relationship I would be at it like a rabbit with the other person.

I met up with some old friends last night and had a really good laugh, I know there is a good life for me still without her. However I do still love this woman, like I said before, the last 3 weeks we spent together were really magical and she seems like the same woman that I fell in love with 13 years ago. I can't understand why she would string me along and how she could be so loving towards me if she was fecking someone else.

I can't just ignore her txt messages and phone calls. When she does call me I make sure that I project a strong person and I don't talk about our relationship. I feel if I do just start ignoring her she will turn to the OM. My W has no family, her parents died back in 2002 and 2006 and she has no siblings. I think my W maybe going through the menopause and is going through some sort of breakdown. She did have very valid reasons for leaving me, I haven't been treating her right for a few years, and I have been taking her totally for granted. This does not give her an excuse for the way she has behaved though.

Because she has now moved away I have probably let it go to far to save my marriage and I am preparing myself for live on my own. But I think the only thing I can do right now is to sit back and see what happens. If she says that she wants to come back to me than I can start demanding NC with the OM.

Thanks for listening......


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

I know how difficult this must be for you, im very sorry you are dealing with this, but all of your questions about her behavior have very simple answers. You sound almost 100% as I did when I first discovered my fWS ea/pa, "how can she be so loving toward me if....." the answer is very simple and basic affair behavior. She simply compartmentalizes everything in her life to fit her selfish desire. She likes the feeling of safety and security that talking to you provides. You have history between each other, and quite a few nights of great sex. She remembers all that when speaking to you, and enjoys it. When she hangs up, she calls the OM for whatever trashy, dopamine, affair driven sex talk she can get. Living 70 miles from him (less than a 1 hour drive) simply adds to her ability to compartmentalize the situation. 

Im willing to bet top dollar that the OM has already been to her new place, and they have had sex there. If by some small variance that has not happened yet, it will shortly. She will continue to straddle the fence with you and him until one of you is no longer an option. If something fails for her there, she has you to fall back on till she finds another OM.

You can use childhood trauma, menopause, life stress, mental disorders, and a whole host of other things to justify her behavior. None of those things makes what she is doing right. 

You've been given some solid advice here. If she refuses to cut all contact with the OM and become 100% transparent with you about all her accounts, phones, etc, then you have to do the 180 and think about yourself. The longer you enable her, the longer you will live in limbo, and limbo is death for the heart and soul.

Good luck, keep us posted.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Maybe hire a PI for a couple of weeks to see what she is up to. Just to make sure. If she is with OM at least you will know what you are dealing with.


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

Hi Paladin,

Thanks for the reply, I hear what your saying I'm just finding it hard to believe that someone would behave like that with a person they have loved enough to marry.
I just don't get it, why would you string someone along like that, when you can see how much your hurting them? She has just been on the phone with me asking me to go to an exhibition she is attending this weekend. 

The exhibition is just 40 miles from where the OM lives so you would think she would be with him and not want me anywhere near them, I just don't get it at all. This morning she sent me a rather intimate picture of herself, why the feck would you do that??? Are all women really that devious and evil?

I've arranged to meet up with some old friends this evening, and I'll be going to a house with no mobile signal so at least I won't be able to get her text messages. I won't be going up to the exhibition. I'll spend the weekend with my friends and try my best to forget about her. 

I'm still finding it hard to believe that the woman I have been in love with for 13 years can do this to me. But the burner phone says it all really.

Thanks again for listening........


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Maybe hire a PI for a couple of weeks to see what she is up to. Just to make sure. If she is with OM at least you will know what you are dealing with.


Yeah I think I'll look into how much that will cost, I think it might be more than I can afford to pay though.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"why not move closer to him, to the same town?"

This way she can give you the illusion that they aren't getting together Bullsh!t!

"I can't understand why she would string me along and how she could be so loving towards me if she was fecking someone else."

Because you're the back-up plan if this affair doesn't work out!

" I feel if I do just start ignoring her she will turn to the OM"

Too late. I can almost guarantee that she's slept with him numerous times already

"This morning she sent me a rather intimate picture of herself, why the feck would you do that??? Are all women really that devious and evil?"

Not just women my friend

Sorry to be so rough on you but you have to realize that your wife has allowed another person into this marriage. She has and is continuing to completely disrespect you 

This has been going on for longer than you think. You should consider an STD test to see if she's left you with any "mementos".

This will not end good

Tell her to cease contacting you unless it's to tell you she's coming home, has gone no contact with her other man and wants to save the marriage.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cake eating it's the name. Entitlement. She has an harem. When someone start thinking in "why not" bad things happen.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

My question would be how do you know he is 70 miles away from her? Id be willing to betthey are a lot closer than what she has told you. gl2u


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

dazedandconfused13 said:


> She doesn't need me for my money


 She may have savings so that she does not need your money, but why would she spend from that when she can have you help pay her bills. In other words she is cake eating. BTW the fact that you are the main bread winner, yet she has all the savings in her name only, is proof enough of the cake eating nature of your soon to be ex-wife.



dazedandconfused13 said:


> So I wonder why she moved 70 miles from OM, why not move closer to him, to the same town?


 Because that would be too obvious and you would end the marriage before she is ready to do so. Besides, the goal was to get far enough away from you that it would be safe for her to date and spend the night with him without you knowing.

Again, you are missing the point. She is leading you along as she explores the long term possibility with the other man. Stop letting her cake eat. Tell her to come home now and cut off all contact with the other man or you will file for divorce immediately. This is a reasonable and normal request of one spouse to another. Do this right now before this has no chance of working. Doing nothing is a decision to fail. At least go down fighting.


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

roostr said:


> My question would be how do you know he is 70 miles away from her? Id be willing to betthey are a lot closer than what she has told you. gl2u


I know where he lives, I know him.


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

Had a very odd day today. I turned my phone off last night and had a really good night with old friends. 

This morning my W called my land line but I ignored it and started doing some house work and cleared out my garage. When I was in the garage I heard the land line ringing again. 

In the afternoon I turned my phone on and there were four text messages from my W. First one was saying good morning, the second one was her asking me if I was ok, third one was her saying she's feeling down and misses me and the fourth one was her saying she's worried about me and please call her.

At 5pm she was ringing the land line again so I answered it. She was in tears and asked if she could come home. I should have said no, go to your new home and sort your head out and decide what your really want to do. But I caved in and said of course come home now.

She's going to be back in 3 hours, what should I do???

Thanks for listening.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Call her and tell her to turn around.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until OM is completely out of the picture and and NC letter is sent to OM I think you know exactly what to do.

Take this oppertunity to have a face to face and restate your position.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Keko, If she's decided she made a mistake, at least let the guy lay out his boundaries and conditions.


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## dazedandconfused13 (Nov 16, 2012)

the guy said:


> Until OM is completely out of the picture and and NC letter is sent to OM I think you know exactly what to do.
> 
> Take this oppertunity to have a face to face and restate your position.


Yeah I think that sounds like a good plan. It would be lot easier doing this face to face. I'm going to have to try and calm myself down and not do too much talking. I know I'm a mug but I'm really looking forward to seeing her.

Thanks for the advice


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Here's some reading while you wait. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

Make sure you keep your side of the street clean and you're ready to join in if she's willing agree to your terms. 

The Most Important Emotional Needs


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