# Question about wife leaving to find work



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Many of you know my story. Wife's affair exposed last October. Long-distance Affair did not end till May. Lived with cousin in another state over summer. Now is planning to go back to other state with cousin to look for work ( she resigned after a demotion). Finally admitted to MC that she's not into marriage recovery right now. She's leaving next week. She has stated she may return if she doesn't find work. Not that I'm counting on it. Our 2 kids know about it and are handling well. But they're young and don't have the ability to comprehend what it will feel like after a lengthy separation. I'm still in a bit of shock she would leave for an extended period of time away from the kids. She's been all about "focusing on myself" and has admitted so. 
Here's the thing. I am ready to let go. Her and I have been working on all the things necessary (finances, kids, family, etc.) to make this transition as smooth as possible. My wife has been extremely nice and talkative to me this past week. I on the other hand have become a bit of a "distancer". I haven't shut down and as a matter of fact, I have been beaming with confidence and strength which I wonder is contributing to my wife's behavior. But I am questioning her behavior. Is she trying to soften me up ( she's spending a lot of time with the kids too) so I don't do anything rash when she leaves or wants to keep me "on the leash" while she's gone? Or does she not have any ulterior motives? Her and I are doing so many things right as a family and parents now. We're communicating more. Laughing more. But she is still leaving! WTF? :scratchhead:I don't think asking would help or accomplish anything to be honest. And should I even care??


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

She is literally ridden with guilt over her affair. Might also be slightly in denial about its gravity and bearing on her own image. 
So she figures being nice to you and all Mrs. Mommy all the sudden is going to smooth things out, until she ABANDONS you and her kids to go be with her cousin in another state.

Let her go.

Keep the kids and document everything that is happening as it happens, dates, times, events. keep receipts, school papers, proof of your involvement in those kids lives.

Let her be nice, and you keep your civility in check too. Thats best for the kids, but rest assured once shes gone, those kids are going to be a mess, and YOU will be the only one there to deal with it. 

You and her are not doing anything right as a family. This period is simply a show. Otherwise, she would not be leaving, so WTF is absolutely correct.

What you need to focus on is what is best for those kids. Its apparent that your Walkaway Wife is not in a frame of mind to make the best decisions for her family or for those kids.

Get a lawyer and get him involved in at least the initial events that are surrounding this situation, so that when it blows up, shes away from you to build her fortress of destruction against you, you are prepared. I see it coming man, and I would rather you two be able to reconcile and have an everlasting good wonderful marriage. But its starting to look like shes going to blindside you as soon as shes out of state, especially since TX has no alimony laws.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Listen to Shoo... make the assumption that any and all of your suspicions about her ulterior motives are correct, and act accordingly to that you and your kids are best protected. 

*IF* she actually makes the attempt to 'return' down the road, you can adjust if you so desire at that time. Assuming she doesn't come back, you're already on your way to new life and won't need to adjust to the reality.

You've already seen the effect on her of some of your 180-ish actions...


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

HD,

I think the improved civility is not a sign of the relationship improving. It comes from the relief knowing the pain will end soon for the both of you. Tell her that separation is the best outcome for your family right now. You're both emotionally distancing yourselves, now she wants to add physical distance. 

I wouldn't talk about divorce or legal separation with her now. But, I would privately talk to a lawyer about protecting your kids and financial assets. After a few months, you will be emotionally ready to discuss divorce with her.

She is walking away from the marriage. It is unlikely she will ever come back. Just let her go.

I'm sorry.

Cypress


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Many of you know my story. Wife's affair exposed last October. Long-distance Affair did not end till May. Lived with cousin in another state over summer. Now is planning to go back to other state with cousin to look for work ( she resigned after a demotion). Finally admitted to MC that she's not into marriage recovery right now. She's leaving next week. She has stated she may return if she doesn't find work. Not that I'm counting on it. Our 2 kids know about it and are handling well. But they're young and don't have the ability to comprehend what it will feel like after a lengthy separation. I'm still in a bit of shock she would leave for an extended period of time away from the kids. She's been all about "focusing on myself" and has admitted so.
> Here's the thing. I am ready to let go. Her and I have been working on all the things necessary (finances, kids, family, etc.) to make this transition as smooth as possible. My wife has been extremely nice and talkative to me this past week. I on the other hand have become a bit of a "distancer". I haven't shut down and as a matter of fact, I have been beaming with confidence and strength which I wonder is contributing to my wife's behavior. But I am questioning her behavior. Is she trying to soften me up ( she's spending a lot of time with the kids too) so I don't do anything rash when she leaves or wants to keep me "on the leash" while she's gone? Or does she not have any ulterior motives? Her and I are doing so many things right as a family and parents now. We're communicating more. Laughing more. But she is still leaving! WTF? :scratchhead:I don't think asking would help or accomplish anything to be honest. And should I even care??


I've to disagree with other posters and ask u one question here 

r u ready to let her go and be in as much affairs as she like and after she finishes come back to u and the family again ??

she wants out then u must tell her exactly what will happen after she go away and she should know u r not her safty net or something


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would file for divorce as well as full-time custody. She is walking out on not just you, but her own children.
She has stated she's not into "marital recovery." So don't be her back up plan any longer.
It's a real possibility the affair is still going on or she is going off to "find herself." Either way, neither of those situations have your or your kids' best interests. 
Don't meet any of her needs--she wants to leave, open the door and let her go.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree with jellybeans. she's walking out on the kids too.

She's being nice now because in her mind she has checked out and so no pressure to deal with the mess she made.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I think she definitely feels guilty for not only the affair but also leaving back to live with her cousin. She's doing everything from spending more time with the kids, helping out around the house, planning arrangemts for transportation to and from school, contributing finances (her dad is going to help her pay my (our) bills. It's just hard not to question her true intentions and how she seems so happy now yet she is leaving in 5 days.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

She's not only leaving you but her kids as well. 

The marriage is over, it's just a matter of when you will be able to let go too.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

It's her guilt for what she's done, and what she's about to do in 5 days... 
Doing a little now, while she can so that as she goes and spends her life back with cousin (and quite possibly, other men), she can allow herself to feel she left doing "all she could", and leave you with that same memory recollection of her being there with you, just in case she wants to fall back to you, her Plan B. 
Don't fall for it, make plans to be without her.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

2xloser said:


> It's her guilt for what she's done, and what she's about to do in 5 days...
> Doing a little now, while she can so that as she goes and spends her life back with cousin (and quite possibly, other men), she can allow herself to feel she left doing "all she could", and leave you with that same memory recollection of her being there with you, just in case she wants to fall back to you, her Plan B.
> Don't fall for it, make plans to be without her.


I definitely feel like a Plan B fall back. She says if she finds no work she'll come back but in the same conversation says if she doesn't find what she's looking for, she'll do part-time work. I am ready to let go. I really am. I am feeling a sense of relief while at the same time extremely disappointed it has come to this: leaving her husband & kids for something "better". I feel for my kids who have no comprehension what their selfish mother is doing. As I approach the day she leaves, I am going to make it clear I in no way support her leaving/ abandoning the family. But I am not going to stop her and if she thinks she'll find happiness by moving away, then I want her to find her happiness. (Gee, wish I could put that more eloquently. LOL )I tried telling her to give our marriage a chance. That happiness has been here the whole time, we just need to work on re-discovering it. But she has her mind made up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Of course she is happy. 

In five days she is effectively single again with zero responsibility and no need to be faithful 

Time to pull the rug out from under this selfish girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey HDad---the worse possible thing going on here---is as you just said above----what is being done to your kids

The kids know what is going on---and now what is happening---is their mother keeps leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back, now leaving again

If they are like most kids they are seriously thinking to themselves---what have I done to make my mother leave---have I hurt her, she must not love me, what have I done to make her not love me-----why does she not want to be with me--------These kind of thoughts will cause them to act out, in the worse way---and what is going on in their minds, with the abandonment, and not being loved by their mother---is cruel

You guys just can't keep doing this---either stay together even if its miserable, and forced---or just permanantly split up. The kids have to have some semblance of normalcy in their lives.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

jnj express said:


> Hey HDad---the worse possible thing going on here---is as you just said above----what is being done to your kids
> 
> The kids know what is going on---and now what is happening---is their mother keeps leaving, coming back, leaving, coming back, now leaving again
> 
> ...


:iagree: houstondad you sound like a decent dude. jnj's point here is really valid -- make sure you are going way, way above & beyond with the kids to remind them that none of this is their fault nor about them, that your lives together will be solid and good regardless of what mommy does moving forward. Double-down on that effort; you can't over-do it here.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree guys. That's why I'm not letting Round 5 or whatever round this is of splitting up (I've lost count) to continue. It's not stable for me or the kids and I know kids find comfort in stability. If mom leaves and finds a job I am done. And I wanted to get everyone's take on my wife's cousin. I am currently pissed off with her. Not sure if it's justifiable or what. Here's what happened. My wife asked to stay part of the summer with her and she said yes. Her cousin has a partner who lives with her (they are same-sex which I have nothing against). I sent her cousin an email over the summer thanking her for her support of my wife during her depression/anxiety. I also mentioned that I miss my wife. I kept that part very brief. Anyways, the cousin replied that she appreciated my email and she also said I should probably tell my wife I miss her because she doesn't want to get in the middle of our issues. Well, now she's welcoming my wife back to live there and find work. WTF? How is that not getting involved? I feel like she is enabling supporting my wife in abandoning her family and THAT pisses me off. I've always had a good relationship with her cousin who is bright and seems to be level-headed. I'm trying to not fall for the classic sterotype of man-hating lesbians, but it's hard not to wonder if that way of thinking is influencing their decision to allow her up there. her cousin knows my kids very well so I'm shocked she doesn't see what this is doing.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It's all about family and nothing to do with man hating lesbians

in times of infidelity it's best to never assume that your inlaws will have your back, go dark on the ones who keep enabling her


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Forget her cousin, nobody is forcing your wife to abandon you and the children. She is a grown woman who is acting like a selfish teenage girl. Focus your attention on your wife's actions and not on her enabling cousin.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to do something prior to her leaving---this will be what the 3rd time---tell her if she leaves you will file for D., and immediate seperation---do it via texas law---do not let her establish domicile in a new state, and screw this mess up even more----stop enabling your wife, to just do as she pleases---if she wants freedom, its fine---but you need to file, and let her know you ARE serious----you keep doing nothing!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You need to do something prior to her leaving---this will be what the 3rd time---tell her if she leaves you will file for D., and immediate seperation---do it via texas law---do not let her establish domicile in a new state, and screw this mess up even more----stop enabling your wife, to just do as she pleases---if she wants freedom, its fine---but you need to file, and let her know you ARE serious----you keep doing nothing!


On the contrary, I am doing what I feel is in the best interests of my family. I am preparing to be a single father and have the best for my kids. My wife knows I am not supporting her move, but I don't need to tell her I will divorce her if she leaves. Besides, it'll be viewed as controlling and manipulative. She's a big girl. If she leaves, she'll have consequences. Divorce. I don't have to file before she leaves. I've done my homework here in Texas. Remember, Texas & Cali laws are probably not the same.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

plus the wife abandoning the children will likely make it easier to get full custody


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When did stating you want a D. due to your wife having an A., leaving to live elsewhere numerous times, and refusing to be a mother to her children, when did your asking for D., due to those facts become manipulating and controlling


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Stating it as they are in the process of leaving, I can see how someone might question it as controlling and she will definitely take it as manipulation/ controlling. That's the way her fogged out, self-centered, self-righteous consciousness will take it. I do plan to ask her something along the lines of " Are you sure moving up to live with your cousin and away from your family is what you want?"


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Well let me ask you another question----when she leaves for the 3rd time, to go and be single for however long she wants, and to once again refuse to be a mother to her kids, and to once again disrespect you, and to probably come home when she is tired of enjoying the life of a single woman, what are you gonna do about it??

Are there to be no consequences, no accountability, you know she is gonna go out with other guys, she did it this last summer, none of this is what a married woman does, so once again, does she just go and that's it

Will there never be a statement from you, if you leave this mge., again, if you refuse to be a mother to your kids, again, then I will be forced to take some action.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

At this point I think she can think you are controlling all she wants. the point is that is what you need to do. Take control, serve her with papers, stick her in her car and tell her good luck in ____, don't come back.

Funny how they scream your controlling when you are letting them get away with murder.

Q~


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Looks like someone is being controlled and manipulated but its not the cheating wife. 

Good luck HD.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

If waiting till she leaves to pull the plug and send Divorce papers her way is wrong, let me know. She's a big girl and knows full well what she is risking. Someone might say she deserves to know that if she leaves there will be a divorce, but I don't think that's necessary. Why should I "play fair"? Just because divorce papers are filed doesn't mean it's final here in Texas. There is at least 60 days before it's a done deal (in hopes the couples work it out I guess).


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

HD,

She does not deserve to have the D talk with you. Her disrespectful attitude and "your controlling me" talk is appalling. Go to your lawyer next week and get the paperwork started. That way she can get served, soon after she gets to her cousin's place. After she gets served, tell your children.

Cypress


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you have a great plan. she doesn't need to know all your cards.
I'm thinking if she was served she may even stay resenting you even more and making your family even more misserable.

I like your thinking, she is a big girl and has made her own choices and for all intent and purposes she has divorced you, you my friend are just making it legal.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Update:
Last night she wanted to talk about her leaving a bit. I told her I wanted to make it clear that I understood why she thought leaving will help her "improve herself/find herself", but that doesn't mean I agree or support it. She said I quit working on the marriage. I asked her where the ***** she got an idea like that? A week ago during our MC session I stated I was tired of having my heart broken over and over again (trying to meet her needs,etc. and she doesn't reciprocate). I tried to explain that it's true I am hate seeing my heart broken, but that doesn't mean I have given up. She said I am not trying right now and I agreed partially. I told her I have stepped back because of two reasons:
1. She stated in the MC session she's not into working on the marriage.
2. She's moving away.
Despite all of this, I have remained faithful, friendly, etc. towards her. 
I guess what irritates me is that she has convinced herself that I am not into working on the marriage. That she has "tried to communicate her needs" and I am unable to meet them. And I feel she couldn't be more wrong and I told her this from my perspective. She brought up that she doesn't want a divorce. I didn't respond to that. She's also concerned that I may paint her as the bad guy to our kids.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If this come up again before she leaves, consider conveying the following to her 

"What is clearly evident is that *you want a one sided open marriage where you get to act like an uncommitted single woman while having the benefits of a wife with a faithful, loving husband. I'm sorry but I refuse to live in such a 'marriage'"*

It is time to call it for what it is, don't you think?


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Houstondad said:


> I am not into working on the marriage. That she has "tried to communicate her needs" and I am unable to meet them.


She's blame-shifting, she doesn't want to take the blame for the marriage falling apart even though it is her fault. My W did something like this, she said I should have chased her when she left but because I didn't she thought I didn't care and went on with her A.

It was a lie, chasing would had pushed her away but she wanted to blame me.

Also saying your "not into working on the marriage" keeps you on the line as a backup. She knows you are, she is just trying to manipulate you.

IMO, you should have agreed and said "Yes, I have stopped working on the marriage, you obvious want out and I don't want to waste my time with someone who doesn't want to be with me". The day you stop working on the M will be when she starts.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A woman who cheats and then abandons her family doesn't need anyone to paint her as a bad guy, she has done a complete job of that through her own actions.

It seems that the only time and way in her eyes you can work on the marriage is to continually give her whatever she wanted, no matter how outrageous. I'm surprised this woman didn't suggest she should get to keep cheering, and that you should be ok with it because it made her happy!

Is there even one thong she has done to rebuild the marriage that took some more effort than just showing up at a MC session? From your posts it doesn't sound like it. In your shoes I would actually be looking forward to when she pulled the trigger and abandoned the family, so you could file for divorce and begin rebuilding your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

"She's also concerned that I may paint her as the bad guy to our kids."

Well, she is, truth hurts !!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> A woman who cheats and then abandons her family doesn't need anyone to paint her as a bad guy, she has done a complete job of that through her own actions.
> 
> It seems that the only time and way in her eyes you can work on the marriage is to continually give her whatever she wanted, no matter how outrageous. I'm surprised this woman didn't suggest she should get to keep cheering, and that you should be ok with it because it made her happy!
> 
> ...


I actually am feeling the sense of relief with her leaving. I made it clear to her last night that I've always been trying to work on the marriage, even when I wasn't calling her day and night while she was away for a month this summer (this is what she wanted despite never calling me). I told her it takes two people putting forth an effort for a marriage to work, not just one person. That statement was one of the few that she agreed and understood. She also said she wants to move away to "get better and get away from all the stresses here so she can decide what to do", meaning when she's eventually healthy she'll be able to see clearly if she wants to work on the marriage or not and get a divorce. She really thinks she's in control on this final decision. I told her she had a whole 6 weeks this past summer to figure this out and to get better. She said it helped her figure some things out, but she still has some figuring things out to do. What she's doing is running away from her problems. The thing is, her problems will follow her wherever she goes. Leaving and having the freedom and no responsibilities is just a quick fix to her depression and anxiety, just like her affair became a drug for her problems. She also told me her mom stuck around a faulty marriage while she was depressed/anxiety and it ultimately killed her. Her mom endured a mild stroke, was on all sorts of drugs and was very depressed when I met my wife and for the next 5 years until she had a heart attack around the age of 59. My wife believes she's down that same path (heredity,etc.) and believes it's better to leave than stick around. She said what use is a dead mother if I try to stick around and face my issues head-on here with you.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She's done. She puts no value on you or the marriage. The whole point of filing for divorce quickly is that Texas divorce laws are better for you, while California divorce laws are better for her. So if that is what you are considering, then it's probably in your favor to file quickly. Her saying she doesn't want a divorce means nothing, she doesn't get to decide if YOU want a divorce. And she obviously doesn't want the marriage and family either...no matter what her reasons.

See an attorney at least...ASAP. Then you can make an informed decision. Knowledge is power. 

Also, focus on the kids and getting yourself into a more financially stable/independent position....so her parents aren't pitching in money. Babysitting time... yes, money....not so good. She will look on that as her contribution to the family. Gag.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Thanks Sunny. I agree she's viewing this as her contribution to the family, her dad footing the bill. And she always took pride in never smooching off her dad, until now.
She's moving to Minnesota. It probably wouldn't hurt to look into their laws, but I've done a fair amount of HW here in Texas. I can file even if she's out of state. But I do want to get an attorney in the next week to show me my options and educate me in the strong possibility of a D. I want to make sure I have "all my ducks in a row" when I file. And becoming more financially independent is a good idea. Sigh. She told me last night she doesn't hate me and that none of this is my fault (it sure didn't sound like it). I told her if she thought I hated her and she replied "I hope not". I said I didn't hate her ( I really don't), but that I was disappointed in her. Disappointed that she can't stay and work on our marriage and family.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

If the divorce is filed in Minnesota, wont you have to go there for court action and appearances? Not to mention that you will have to get an attorney (in Minnesota?) that knows and practices the law of Minnesota.

Far cheaper to file locally -- less travel cost. And, a known quantity here as opposed to somewhere unknown.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

aug said:


> If the divorce is filed in Minnesota, wont you have to go there for court action and appearances? Not to mention that you will have to get an attorney (in Minnesota?) that knows and practices the law of Minnesota.
> 
> Far cheaper to file locally -- less travel cost. And, a known quantity here as opposed to somewhere unknown.


If I file it will definitely be here in Texas. This is my established residence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> If I file it will definitely be here in Texas. This is my established residence.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But what if she files and serve you first? out of state, like in Minnesota?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She would have to establish residency in Minn.---she has to live there for a set amt. of time for she can do anything


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Start filing asap. She has a plan too. The first mover has the advantage.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I do believe she has a plan. I feel her being nice is part of her plan of keeping me on the leash. To not pull the trigger until she decides what to do. This week is an important week for me in regards of getting my things together.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

There were a few issues that needed to be resolved regarding our kids getting to school in the morning. My wife made the effort to take care of those responsibilities this evening. I can tell she feels more happy (less guilty) doing these things before she leaves. I really do feel she's doing it to feel less guilt. And as much as I appreciate her help it still doesn't hide the fact she is leaving all of us which is why I feel my appreciation is mild at best.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Update:
My wife moved out last night and is on her way to Minnesota. She did so in a bit of a rush to leave in the middle of the night which I thought was odd. Anyways, she asked if I could help her with a few heavy things to load in her car. My emotion inside was like "hell no! get it yourself!". But then I remembered some of the advice about staying in control and letting her go. So I told her "sure"! She came up later to shower (it's hot in Texas) and stood in our bedroom stark naked afterwards. I wondered if she was just trying to keep me on the leash so to speak because she has a nice body. I didn't say anything but just smiled. As I was turning the other way, she aked what that look (smile) was for and I said I was just smiling. Odd. When she left she walked over to give me a hug and gave me several kisses. I told her goodbye and to be safe on her trip. She called this morning saying she's in Oklahoma and still on the road. Then reality hit with my daughter waking up this morning in tears. "Mommy told me she was going to come in my room to say goodbye and I tried to stay up as long as I could. She never said goodbye to me". She said she already misses her. I gave my daughter a big hug and said daddy misses her too, but we'll be ok. It sucks man. I knew this was gonna hit my kids hard. I just wasn't expecting this so soon. My wife has been trying to be so nice the days leading up to her leaving in hopes I wouldn't be angry or thoughts of divorcing her. I couldn't be more dissapointed in her now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sounds like she has to meet someone there and has an appointment to keep 

I still bet there is someone in MN that has been away for sone reason and is now returning

So will you get off the fence and have her served now that she had abandoned the family. 

She is gone. She does not plan on coming back
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I agree she has an appointment there in Minnesota. She has plans. You do not seem to be a part of it.

May I suggest you have your own plan to implement. Kinda hard to include her in it though...


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I have a plan in place, I just need to focus on the specifics and one step at a time.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Get her served with divorce papers ASAP. Also file for custody of your kids (like she wants then anyway) and list in the divorce that she abandoned the family. File right away. When she calls about her "not wanting a divorce" tell her its not about what she wants. It about whats best for the family (you and your kids). I know you haven't and won't disrespect her in front of them. And yes you are obviously second choice. She figures if she can't be real happy away from you and her kids, that she can always come back. Fact. She is a cheater and has abandoned her family. Time to live your life and let consequence deal with her.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I believe there is a certain amount of time your spouse has to be away from the family for it to be called abandonment. I will find out how many days/months it's here in Texas.
She called tonight from Minnesota(the # is from her cousin) and sounded so excited she made it up there in 18 hours on adderall. Whatever. She just doesn't get it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you considered hiring a Pi for a week to see who she is up too?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Have you considered hiring a Pi for a week to see who she is up too?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I was thinking why she might be rushing to get there fir a seoectifc date. I bet there is a guy who is maybe a school teacher or someone connected with a school that was off and away for a month or so during the summer that she is rushing back for. Schools going back and he would be coming back to start with it. It would also explain why she always seemed to have a timetable on her move to MN.

Perhaps a university person?

Any chance the cousin is a teacher or has friends who are dingle male teachers? The wife maybe met him while up there, he already had a trip away planned. Perhaps it was someplace where he didn't have a computer or phone , so that's why she hasn't shown signs of contacting anyone.

He actions mood and behavior however all point to someone getting excited at their lover and them reconnecting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's very possible she rushed back up to meet someone. But since I'm ready to let go and start filing, it's almost not worth the effort. I guess it could always help in the courtroom(if it gets messy), but I can't afford a PI right now.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

What's the best way to tell her I am going the route of divorce? Now that's she's in another state, it makes it a bit difficult to do in person, which is probably the best thing to do. Any ideas?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to be up front. Get the paper work and attorney stuff done and before you file call her up and tell her this isn't working for you or the family. Tell her your filing and you are calling so she doesn't get blindsided

If you are not so worried about her reaction. Then file and have her served. 

When she calls and cries tell her she abandoned the family. Your just cleaning up the mess she left.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Do it quickly. Don't let her get settled and comfortable. She needs to know while she is catting around what is really going on back home. 
Make sure its cool with attorney over abandonement issues however and make sure adultery and abandonement issues are listed in diivorce papers. Hope you have a bulldog for an attorney. 

Really, really good luck and prayers. Hope this works out the way your family wants it to.

Chap


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I revealed to my sister and husband for the first time about my wife's affair. They knew things have been rough lately, but had no clue. I also told them she left to find work in Minny. They're both doctors and felt that while she has no true excuse for doing what she did, they feel that she is truly a Manic Depressive. I've had my suspicions too. My wife is taking meds, but I don't believe it balances the manic side of things. I guess right now I feel overwhelmed with what to do. If my wife is truly sick mentally, can I live with myself if I divorce her?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> If my wife is truly sick mentally, can I live with myself if I divorce her?


yes

for starters she still knows the difference between right and wrong

2ndly while she may do things that are out of her control she is still responsible for her actions

3rdly- armchair psychology is no good, unless you have a doctor telling you the diagnosis (and even they get it wrong) it is all moot

4thly you still need to do what's right for you and your children


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

HD,

My mother suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. When I was about 10, I started asking my dad to divorce her. He never did. He started having affairs instead.

My point is that WW has shown a mental imbalance, that is not your fault, nor your responsibility. She knows what she is doing isn't right, but she did it anyways. 

For your sake and your children's sake you need to let her go, and move on. I only wish my dad had done that.

Cypress


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes you can. Why? Because MD people still know right from wrong, selfish from loving.

If you doubt that, answer this: if had the affair, what would she have done? Would she have not recognized that it would have been wrong then?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I talked to my wife's brother last night. He told me how he tried to convince her to stay and not go. Said she was very adamant in going.He told her not to get a full-time job while she's there but to get a part-time job that is fun for her. That way she's not more obligated to stay and straining what's left of the marriage even more. He said she was luke-warm to the idea...at best. He also said she will know whether divorce or reconciliation is the way to go when her depression subsides. She's in doubt, in limbo because she "the love is not there" and wonders if it's the depression that is causing it. I just don't believe she's getting the right meeds. She is taking an anti-depressant, but I feel she's manic depressive/ bi-polar II. If she is, it's the wrong medication as far as I know. I would like to ask if she'll be seeing a therapist while she's up there. That will tell me how much she really wants to "work on herself".


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

I think she's feeling pressure from too many sources (internal and external). It may be best for her if everyone leaves her alone and wait for her to sort things out in her head (either by herself or with a competent therapist). If she asks questions then answer her neutrally and truthfully. Give her time for her head to settle.

Anti-depression drugs dont really work when there's significant turmoil or issue inside that needs resolving.

In the meantime, may I suggest that you, Houstondad, move ahead with your own independent life for your own and your kids' sake.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

stop using the mental illness as a crutch or excuse to not filing

1) no matter what, your children need security and protection. She's abandoned them twice now. 

2) Trying do untrained psychoanalyis from afar will not get you much of anything other than more anxiety for yourself.

3) Even if she is Bipolar she still needs to learn there are dire consequences for her actions and by ignoring the condition by not getting proper treatment she will never face the reality of what she is doing. You are enabling her condition by allowing her the latitude to do as she pleases with no consequence. If she was a schizophrenic you simply wouldn't allow her to staple aluminum foil to the roof.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm trying not to use the depression as a crutch. I'm just too damn caring of others and try to sympathize or empathize often. It's been my flaw in certain situations. But I am not going to enable anymore. She videochatted with the kids and I today. She has asked if the kids come up to visit during Thanksgiving or X-mas. I said the day after after thanksgiving or after X-mas because they have family down here. She didn't like that answer and asked me to think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

H-
Just to reinforce the idea of using her depression as a crutch....the best med. here is NC with OM. Do not get sucked into her *own reality*.
IMHO do not make this A more convienent and comfortable by letting the kids visit, yes bad me for using the kids, but make the offer for her to come down and stay with you and visit the kids.

Nothing adds pressure to the A like stay with your ex.

So I hope my suggestion gives some option to think about, here it is the beginning of Sept. it won't be long before the holidays are apon us.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> H-
> Just to reinforce the idea of using her depression as a crutch....the best med. here is NC with OM. Do not get sucked into her *own reality*.
> IMHO do not make this A more convienent and comfortable by letting the kids visit, yes bad me for using the kids, but make the offer for her to come down and stay with you and visit the kids.
> 
> ...


You think she may be doing this to keep the kids. That would be a tricky legal battle with the states being so far apart. Divorce may be well underway by then.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Divorce probably will be underway by then so that'll be tricky.I'll have to see what my attorney recommends. Wife just emailed me to state that she took what I said (kids visit AFTER the holiday) into consideration and wants the kids to visit from the 26th-31st of December.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the very least I think your X should do the heavy lifting on this visit. Warn her now to start saving her dough, and make the arrangments.

She was not thinking about these kind of thing when she made her choice so why should you be finacially burden for her lack of forsite?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Divorce probably will be underway by then so that'll be tricky.I'll have to see what my attorney recommends. Wife just emailed me to state that she took what I said (kids visit AFTER the holiday) into consideration and wants the kids to visit from the 26th-31st of December.


I woldn't trust her sending the kids back.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Kinda like the van, she'll find excuse after excuse why that haven't been returned!!!!!!!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> At the very least I think your X should do the heavy lifting on this visit. Warn her now to start saving her dough, and make the arrangments.
> 
> She was not thinking about these kind of thing when she made her choice so why should you be finacially burden for her lack of forsite?


Even if your not going to send them you need to ask her if she is going to have the money to pay for their travel. Just an added reality check.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm certain her father is paying their way. She has $50 to her name right now. But her father will be supporting her until she gets a job. I'm not worried she'll keep the kids. There are no red flags to say otherwise.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is acting like a divorced spouse and is schedule "help her guilt" visits where the kids come see her.

If she was even try for the marriage she would be the one coming home for the holidays.

But with this plan, she will spend them there with her new bf and have her kids visit afterwards.

Common HD get those papers filed. This isn't a woman who can't help herself due to mental illness, this is a selfish woman who has abandoned her family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Sigh. Wife sends in a chat question to me today asking "How was my weekend?". Then she had a question about her health insurance. I added her to my insurance because she has no job. Once she finds a job, bye-bye insurance..assuming it doesn't take too long. Anyways, she's being friendly and all, but I just don't care. I quickly said I had to go back to work and bye. 
Anyways, I have researched the cost of a lawyer and I crapped my pants. However, I believe my wife will be willing to sit down and we can divorce "fairly" with no contest. I did come across these websites (below) that allow you to file online with online help to help you through the process ($249) plus filing fee. It's like a DIY with legal advice thrown in. It seems legit with being on shows like Good Morning America, etc. Let me know what yawls opinion of this route is. Thanks everyone.
http://www.texasdivorceguide.com/texas-divorce-forms/[url]
[url]http://drupal.completecase.com/


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## goalie (Sep 7, 2010)

Saw your posts and had to make a quick comment - for the record I am not an attorney. You need to make sure that the clock ticking for her residency in Minnesota did or didnt start during the summer. Residency would start in 180 days. 

check various divorce law sites. Perm alimony can be in play in Minnesota. Not to mention the expense of going up there for hearings etc.

http://www.sawnet.org/divorce/info.html

_RESIDENCY REQUIREMENTS

The requirements for establishing residency vary from state to state. List of residency requirements for each state
If you think that your spouse will file for divorce in another state, it may be prudent to spend the money up front and file first in your home state. Rarely is a divorce settled in one court appearance, and if your spouse files elsewhere you will be travelling to whatever state he has filed. Also, any modifications to the divorce decree, including the property settlement agreement and arrangements for child custody and support, must be filed in the original state. This could keep you traveling out of state for years to come, especially if you have children with your spouse.

If one spouse meets the residency requirement of a state or country, a divorce obtained there is valid, even if the other spouse lives somewhere else. The courts of all states will recognize the divorce. Any decisions the court makes regarding property division, alimony, custody and child support, however, may not be valid unless the non-resident spouse consented to the jurisdiction of the court or later acts as if the foreign divorce was valid -- for example, by paying court-ordered child support._


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am planning to consult with a lawyer who is my sister's neighbor. With things tight financially, I've had to wait a little while. Anyways, I can tell my kids are being effected by my wife's seperation and abandonment. When she video chats with them now, they talk for a minute or two and then want to play outside or play games. I worry how they're gonna feel when I tell them mommy and daddy are seperating for good. Since I'm the one who is going to file, they may see me as the bad guy. They don't know the truth about why she left or anything regarding the affair. They are 5 & 10 years old, so I think they may be too young to understand. If anyone has advice or know of good books, websites I am all ears. 
On a side note, when we chatted last night I was able to hear beeps coming from my wife's email indicating she was receivng chat messages from someone else. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think I cared. But watching her talk to me and the kids while her eye would glance away and she would casually in a very sneaky kind of way type back to the other person triggered the past when the affair happened. I felt angry, but since I didn't ask, I may never know if it's just a friend or something more than that. And I know I shouldn't feel this way if I want to divorce her. I really shouldn't be pissed about it? Or is that ok?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its absolutely OK to be angry, or sad, or happy. You are allowed the full spectrum of human emotion, just like everyone else. Your kids will blame you (to some extent) regardless. Because you are the only one there. BUT they will also realize that it wasn't you who left the family. You can always throw in a little bit irony for them to gain perspective. If they ever verbally accuse you of driving her away, just tell them "yep, I loved her right out the door". They will understand.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> I am planning to consult with a lawyer who is my sister's neighbor. With things tight financially, I've had to wait a little while. Anyways, I can tell my kids are being effected by my wife's seperation and abandonment. When she video chats with them now, they talk for a minute or two and then want to play outside or play games. I worry how they're gonna feel when I tell them mommy and daddy are seperating for good. Since I'm the one who is going to file, they may see me as the bad guy. They don't know the truth about why she left or anything regarding the affair. They are 5 & 10 years old, so I think they may be too young to understand. If anyone has advice or know of good books, websites I am all ears.


While you kids will be upset, remember that your wife is the one that left the home and moved to another state. At that age, they are unlikely to blame you for filing when she is the one that left them behind. Having said that, do read up on the best way to break it to them.



> On a side note, when we chatted last night I was able to hear beeps coming from my wife's email indicating she was receivng chat messages from someone else. I didn't say anything because I didn't want her to think I cared. But watching her talk to me and the kids while her eye would glance away and she would casually in a very sneaky kind of way type back to the other person triggered the past when the affair happened. I felt angry, but since I didn't ask, I may never know if it's just a friend or something more than that. And I know I shouldn't feel this way if I want to divorce her. I really shouldn't be pissed about it? Or is that ok?


It is okay to be pissed - if only because it is rude. Next time she does that, perhaps you should tell her that since she has others she wants to talk to, you will end the call and she can call back when she can give you and the kids her full attention. Then hang up. To me, it is no different then going out to dinner with some one and having them text the entire time to someone else.


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