# When not to forgive?



## butterfly5 (Sep 12, 2011)

Im 38 ive been with my husband since i was 17yrs old. i dont know any different and never cared to. Cant say the same for him he's always cheated on me hundreds of times. One one night stand resulted in a child i found out when i was pregnant with our second child. we have 3kids. He has a history, sexually abused by a family member when he was young and never really came to terms with that. Cant say he ever will like who can thats terrible. He continues to cheat on me. we fight for a period of time he sometimes cries, threatens suicide and begs to come back cuz he says he misses his family. I refuse to take him back but eventually do because i would rather live with him than without. weve tried counseling but he doesnt really tell the complete truth and the therapist ends up talking more of themself then listening to our concerns. One time i went to visit a coworker who had a baby and once i left she called the cops saying i told her my husband beats me. Turns up she had a cocaine addition and was just let out of the physc ward and and made the story up. The thing is hes not a beater hes a cheater and she didnt even know that about him cuz i never confided anything with her. So a few months after that we were arguing about a recent speculation he had been cheating on me again. I was so upset i tried to slap him he pushed me away knocked the wind outa me our older son walked in seen me gasping for air and attacked him. they wrestled for awhile then my son called 911 and 6 cops removed him from the house and tried to charge him with assult they said the call in the past from the psycho coworker was a reason to believe it was true. I was pissed off cuz im NOT an abused wife and if he ever laid a finger on me I would be the one calling. In this time he had conditions not to come around, phone or txt us. So he became close with more women at the gym he went to.I went to court with him for the entire ordeal. he even had to borrow money from a friend cuz he wasnt working to pay the lawyer. He cant keep his license cuz he owes maintanance enforcement. Most recent he flew another married woman to another province where he was visiting charged to our sons visa because he didnt have money to pay it himself. Well eventually they broke it off but immediatly found another married woman to replace her but soon ended as well. I had also found out he had another cell ph and had numerous womans ph numbers on it. He blamed the whole infidelity on me saying i wasnt loving enough. I must have stupid written all over my forehead cuz i let him back in the house. He eventually had a breakdown and had a plan for suicide. i took him to the doctor where he was put on meds. Anyhow he doesnt listen to me and continues to disappoint me. I still love him but wonder if i need to leave so the kids dont think this behavior is acceptable.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

butterfly5,

What is forgiveness?

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.

But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to *make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.*

I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.

Please consider talking with your husband about what I've said. Hopefully he will be intrigued enough to explore this definition of forgiveness and eventually embrace it, for HIS benefit not yours.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

butterfly5 said:


> Im 38 ive been with my husband since i was 17yrs old. i dont know any different and never cared to. Cant say the same for him he's always cheated on me hundreds of times. One one night stand resulted in a child i found out when i was pregnant with our second child. we have 3kids. He has a history, sexually abused by a family member when he was young and never really came to terms with that. Cant say he ever will like who can thats terrible. He continues to cheat on me. we fight for a period of time he sometimes cries, threatens suicide and begs to come back cuz he says he misses his family. I refuse to take him back but eventually do because i would rather live with him than without. weve tried counseling but he doesnt really tell the complete truth and the therapist ends up talking more of themself then listening to our concerns. One time i went to visit a coworker who had a baby and once i left she called the cops saying i told her my husband beats me. Turns up she had a cocaine addition and was just let out of the physc ward and and made the story up. The thing is hes not a beater hes a cheater and she didnt even know that about him cuz i never confided anything with her. So a few months after that we were arguing about a recent speculation he had been cheating on me again. I was so upset i tried to slap him he pushed me away knocked the wind outa me our older son walked in seen me gasping for air and attacked him. they wrestled for awhile then my son called 911 and 6 cops removed him from the house and tried to charge him with assult they said the call in the past from the psycho coworker was a reason to believe it was true. I was pissed off cuz im NOT an abused wife and if he ever laid a finger on me I would be the one calling. In this time he had conditions not to come around, phone or txt us. So he became close with more women at the gym he went to.I went to court with him for the entire ordeal. he even had to borrow money from a friend cuz he wasnt working to pay the lawyer. He cant keep his license cuz he owes maintanance enforcement. Most recent he flew another married woman to another province where he was visiting charged to our sons visa because he didnt have money to pay it himself. Well eventually they broke it off but immediatly found another married woman to replace her but soon ended as well. I had also found out he had another cell ph and had numerous womans ph numbers on it. He blamed the whole infidelity on me saying i wasnt loving enough. I must have stupid written all over my forehead cuz i let him back in the house. He eventually had a breakdown and had a plan for suicide. i took him to the doctor where he was put on meds. Anyhow he doesnt listen to me and continues to disappoint me. I still love him but wonder if i need to leave so the kids dont think this behavior is acceptable.


While I agree forgiveness is done for you, you also have to distance yourself from this toxic man. Having a crappy past on his part is no excuse to treat his family like crap. Be proud of your son for protecting you. It shows through opposite example, he learned right from wrong. What he's done to you is bad enough, but bottom of the barrel is taking from one's kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## useable (Aug 31, 2011)

it does not matter if you do not forgive him, you are entitled to do that and cheaters are entitled to receive this.


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## butterfly5 (Sep 12, 2011)

he is a loving person with lots of issues i feel i cant help him anymore though


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

butterfly5 said:


> he is a loving person with lots of issues i feel i cant help him anymore though


You get to a point when you have to just let the feeling of responsibility go too

I had been the one who took all the hard decisions over the years and giving up that is harder than I imagined. It outlasted all the other things I let go of.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Like a friend told me once "you know when you had enough".


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Only you know when it is time to forgive someone no one can tell you WHEN to forgive or to forgive period none of us have that right. That is a answer that only you and yo alone can answer.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Butterfly5, it sounds like you’ve forgiven your H in the past but when you did forgive him you didn’t create any *NEW PERSONAL BOUNDARIES*. Forgiveness without personal boundaries is *NOT* the way to go, the sensible thing to do. Why? Because the person you have forgiven will just repeat the behaviour again in the future. Which is exactly what your H has done.

So when you do forgive at the same time you tell the person that you will *NEVER TOLERATE THE SAME BEHAVIOUR FROM THEM AGAIN.* *THAT IS A NEW PERSONAL BOUNDARY FOR YOU. IT IS A BOUNDARY OF ABSOLUTE AND COMPLETE INTOLERANCE. *Your H had an affair? Ok if you want to forgive him then do so but tell him in no uncertain terms what happens if he ever has another affair.

You are a *CLASSIC CODEPENDENT*. You are forgiving your H and at the same time trying to change him by trying to change his behaviour. *YOU WILL NEVER EVER CHANGE YOUR H’s BEHAVIOUR!* His behaviour is locked into his deeply held values and beliefs and his RULES he has about “life”.



*YOUR H IS A USER AND ABUSER AND YOU ARE ENABLING HIM TO USE AND ABUSE YOU!*


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I honestly don't see how you've put up with his crap for this long..sure, you love him, but look what he's done to you and your family...he needs more help than you can give him.


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## butterfly5 (Sep 12, 2011)

and what i find confusing is his mother doesnt like me and wont even visit our children however she did make a point of having a relationship with the child from the one night stand my husband had. I dont get it. I have been doing some soul searching and I feel he's obviously not into me as I was in the marriage and even though it kills me I will let him go and give up on making it work. It's a losing battle I've come to realize.


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