# Struggling With DH's Porn Addiction



## Hyjynx

I don't think this is going to be the usual post about the struggles a wife faces when her husband has a porn addiction, but I do have a feeling I'm about to write a small book for you guys. I'm at the end of my leash and I've got no straws left to grasp.

My husband and I have been together almost seven years and married for five of those years - we're very much in love and we have a relationship better than just about any I've seen before. I am truly blessed - think stereotypical "perfect guy for me" who treats me very well. I know you have nothing to base this on, but believe me when I say I have zero delusions about our compatibility and all the other warm and fuzzy stuff. 

Timeline...

First, while discussing our views on things like porn when we first became an item, he denied the need to look at porn much because he had access to me - he even claimed to not care for it much at all. I was suspicious because I have a very clear understanding of how the male brain works when it comes to sex and visual stimulation, but I had no real reason to question him or doubt him on it. So... whatever. It was a non-issue.

Then after a couple of years he admitted to occasionally viewing porn just because it was something to do. He would strictly watch - no masturbation during or afterward. Watching also didn't give him an erection at any time. He. Just. Watched. I didn't understand it, but whatever - I accepted his boredom excuse. 

For the record, I'm by no means anti-porn and I have a very high sex drive with relatively no reservations. 

So a couple of times a year for the next couple of years I'd find him watching porn. He'd always try to hide it even though I was always calm and never shamed him for it in any way.

His porn viewing increased but I was unaware. All I noticed was how his sex drive was decreasing like crazy for such a young guy. I'm also certain he's not nor has he ever had any affairs or anything like that.

One day I stumbled upon an open browser window of a particular kind of porn and the thumbnails for some of the videos were disturbing. I decided to calmly talk to him about it. This scenario happened a couple of times and at first he explained it away as a pop-up. After that he claimed he just got bored and randomly stumbled upon it but that he wasn't searching for that subject (which was an act he claimed he didn't like so we never really did it despite me being open to it), and finally he broke down crying and told me he was fearful I'd judge him harshly for admitting to liking that stuff because he claimed he hated it for so long. I also found out that his older brother told his mother when they were teens that my hubby was obsessed with that act and he was quite traumatized because it kept coming up time and time again over the years and he couldn't escape it. It became a huge taboo in his mind. 

As time went by he watched more and more and hid it from me. We also had more heart-to-heart talks and I started incorporating interests of his which he denied he liked in the beginning and I did it all very happily.

He kept watching and hiding. Finally, I sat him down and told him how much of an impact it was having on me that he would invest so much time in viewing that I was being sexually neglected. The act of viewing fulfilled his sexual appetite so there was nothing left for me. Porn never turned him on in the way that he could come "take it out on me" after viewing. Just nothing. And still no masturbation or physical arousal while watching.

To go back a bit, in the beginning I attributed the declining sex to his parent's recent divorce and the emotional toll it might have been having on him. I later suspected his testosterone might be low so he saw a doctor - that was fine. Then I suspected depression and his family doctor prescribed Prozac. He was only on it for ten days and it was a nightmare so he came off of that. Then he started seeing a psychiatrist (relatively recently) who gave him a different antidepressant which has boosted his sex drive, helped his depression, and even helped him quit smoking. 

All throughout all of these incidents I was clearer and clearer each recurrence that it was the dishonesty factor that was hurting me - not the simple fact that it was porn. At one point I simply asked him to just be open and watch it without hiding it - what a mistake. He spent six hours the next day watching it on our television right in font of me. I know - I asked for it. The problem was that he bombarded me with it and even he knew he went a bit overboard and apologized to me.

Then I asked him if he would invite me to watch with him and he did do just that a couple of times. But yet again he reverted to hiding it. 

The last real hear-to-heart we had when it came up a few months ago I tried to make it very clear that I feared for our marriage and that I couldn't comprehend why his urge to hide it from me was so strong. I had willingly embraced his desire to view from every angle you could possibly imagine. I made things very interesting and appealing in the bedroom and he was loving it but continued to watch and hide porn. I then told him I felt he had an addiction and that he may need professional help. He agreed. He was more than open to counseling but we decided to try to work on it a bit more ourselves first. No luck.

He then told me he was just going to quit because he could see how his lack of sex drive was impacting our marriage and how devastated I was becoming from the dishonesty. I can't stress that enough - *it's the dishonesty I have the issue with, not the porn.* I told him I didn't think quitting was a good idea and that relapse was a very real possibility. He insisted on quitting and I agreed to support his efforts in any way I could.

He did just great for about a month. This last week I noticed his mood was very abrupt and he began being hypervigilant while on his PC and the sex pretty much stopped for the last few days. I didn't suspect porn at first. He's always very sweet and kind with me so when he becomes "in a funk" I know something is up.

Last night he asked me to put a few songs on his phone and he went to bed. I put the songs on his phone and noticed three pornographic pictures on his phone. I checked his phone's browser history and there was nothing so I knew he had cleared the history - something he never did before two months ago when we incurred $30 in data overage which was all from him watching porn obsessively on his phone. 

I decided to check his PC (we're both open with all of our accounts and passwords and I have looked before which he was aware of. Porn. Lots of porn. This time there was something new - a virtual sex game. I found loads of evidence that he had relapsed this past week which is why he became so abrupt and unlike himself.

I just don't know what else I can do.

I never withhold sex, my sex drive is much higher than his, I frequently give oral and perform whatever new things he's admitted to enjoying and now the last time I did he couldn't get off which was a day or two before his relapse. 

The only thing I want is to find a way to get through to him that it destroys me when he is deceitful - it's the lying and the secrecy - not the porn. I *just don't understand* how someone can have an _utterly and completely accepting and understanding wife who embraces his interest in viewing porn,_ yet for some unknown reason it's almost like he's addicted to the act of _*hiding*_ the porn and not the act of watching it.

He's quite literally perfect in every other way so it just kills my soul every time he does this. How can I get through to him?


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## trey69

You're gonna have to set boundaries and consequences. Its great you have no problem with porn, but actually in this case you should, because this is an addiction thats hurting/destroying your marriage. No different than drugs or alcohol. Lying, hiding it, secrecy etc, is all a part of addiction, it goes along with it, even it were drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, people who are caught up in the addiction process, lie and hide things, period. Its about guilt and shame. 

My first wife was a hard core drug addict. I could easily say, I didn't mind the drugs I just didn't like the behavior is caused. Bottom line, I did hate the drugs and the behavior it caused because it was destroying her and our marriage. Have you both tried MC? Maybe you need to seek out IC and tell a professional what you told us here, and maybe they can give you some more helpful advice on how to set boundaries and in force consequences for when he crosses those boundaries. Right now I don't see him really being held accountable, and thats part of what needs to happen.


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## PBear

Why, when he was open to counseling and therapy, did you guys decide to work on it on your own? Is he getting any external help? Are you guys in marriage counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jamison

You sound like a loving and supportive wife, however addicts usually need tough love. They need boundaries and to be held responsible for their actions. My guess to is, since you are loving and supportive, sometimes addicts can take advantage of that. Your husband probably sees you as someone who will always be around no matter what. If he stumbles you will console him, etc. Therefore he has no real need to change, because he doesn't see he has anything to lose. And while all of love and support is wonderful sounding on the outside, what he really needs is a wake up call, a reality check, more than likely ultimatums. I agree that you might want to check out a counselor who can help you with knowing what kinds of things to do and try. Just my 2 cents.


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## Blondilocks

By being so open and accepting, you've taken away the thrill of doing something he considers 'naughty'. He likes that thrill of getting away with something so he hides it from you. Plus, he's an addict.


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## WallaceBea

What does "DH" stand for?

Sorry, I am new to the forum and still trying to learn some of the lingo.


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