# Wayward spouse in need of help



## mirrormirror

Hello everyone, this post is me asking desperately for help to fix a marriage I broke.

So history is I have been married for less than a year now already and have been with my SO for a year and half. When we met I knew and could feel it in every cell that she was the one and the feeling was mutual. But I ruined it by cheating on her while we were dating with my ex. A decision which ruined everything and things only got worse. She forgave me and wanted to still be together but I was just so self centered and self involved that I have been emotionally cheating on her again and again with multiple other women. I had been in so much denial that things would never get so bad..Now we are living in the same house but separate rooms and hardly are part of eachothers life after 4 D-days, months of her giving me a chance of fixing it and stepping up, and me just being so far in denial and scared that everyday for her is worse than the last.

Currently I am going to two individual therapists (one for DBT) and last night the guilt just hit me, I realized that I and I alone had ruined what was the perfect thing and so desperately want to get her back. She needs to see change and lots of it, she's made ultimatums and boundaries but getting just too tired of it. So I am asking for help, tips, advice, anything.

What are things I can do to help reconcile, step up and fix this monster of a marriage.

Thank you
-M


----------



## RV9

mirrormirror said:


> Hello everyone, this post is me asking desperately for help to fix a marriage I broke.
> 
> So history is I have been married for less than a year now already and have been with my SO for a year and half. When we met I knew and could feel it in every cell that she was the one and the feeling was mutual. But I ruined it by cheating on her while we were dating with my ex. A decision which ruined everything and things only got worse. She forgave me and wanted to still be together but I was just so self centered and self involved that I have been emotionally cheating on her again and again with multiple other women. I had been in so much denial that things would never get so bad..Now we are living in the same house but separate rooms and hardly are part of eachothers life after 4 D-days, months of her giving me a chance of fixing it and stepping up, and me just being so far in denial and scared that everyday for her is worse than the last.
> 
> Currently I am going to two individual therapists (one for DBT) and last night the guilt just hit me, I realized that I and I alone had ruined what was the perfect thing and so desperately want to get her back. She needs to see change and lots of it, she's made ultimatums and boundaries but getting just too tired of it. So I am asking for help, tips, advice, anything.
> 
> What are things I can do to help reconcile, step up and fix this monster of a marriage.
> 
> Thank you
> -M


Fix yourself. Reconciliation is secondary. Go to ic. Find out why you cheated. Don't lie to her. Admit the truth on your own. 

You are a serial cheater. Hope you understand that fact, hope she understands that fact. You would eventually cheat again. Just a matter of when, not if.


----------



## ConanHub

Have you stopped your affairs and gone NC with your AP? Also, are you 100% transparent. Does she have unrestricted access to everything about you, phone, FB, e-mail, EVERYTHING!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub

Have you read any books?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mirrormirror

ConanHub said:


> Have you stopped your affairs and gone NC with your AP? Also, are you 100% transparent. Does she have unrestricted access to everything about you, phone, FB, e-mail, EVERYTHING!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have stopped the affairs and have no desire for any. She has access to my phone, Facebook, email. The issues are there are emails/accounts which I honestly don't even remember how to access so to delete them. I also am inconsistent with transparency on my own. (Lying by omission)


----------



## mirrormirror

ConanHub said:


> Have you read any books?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read "The married man sex life primer" as well as books on managing borderline personality, and by suggestion of a therapist I've been reading about "love addiction"


----------



## ConanHub

Try books that help your spouse after your affair. 

You also have to be 100% truthful about every little detail. No lying by omission.

MMSLP might not be the best book to help your wife recover.

Have you tried reading some of these threads?

It could inspire you to new levels of compassion for what you have done to your wife.

Do you think she has lost her respect for you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mirrormirror

Yes I have read through some of the threads and continuing to do so. Far as respect goes, she has stated she doesn't have any respect for me.


----------



## ConanHub

That is the real damage here. Respect lost is devastating to a husband.
I know a woman that might have some insight for you.

I'll contact her to see if she can help.
Her husband had a EA and they are in a successful R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mirrormirror

ConanHub said:


> That is the real damage here. Respect lost is devastating to a husband.
> I know a woman that might have some insight for you.
> 
> I'll contact her to see if she can help.
> Her husband had a EA and they are in a successful R.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That would be greatly appreciated, thank you.


----------



## ConanHub

Done. If nothing happens soon, I will try again. I am on mobile and a tech feeb.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Plaster

Respect is key. She might say it but don't mean it. Watch her actions, they speak louder. Noticed my wife lost all respect when she started having sex and some sort of affair with some old man. At that point, kinda new that was it, by the way she acted. Good luck, I hope yours will be fine and reunited in heart and soul


----------



## Tron

If you had supposedly "found the one" and could not control your urges to cheat on her, and then cheated on her with multiple EA's/PA's, you've got a problem. Seriously. 

Stay in IC, work on your BPD and get yourself to an SAA or SLAA meeting.

Sorry to say, but there is no short-term fix for this and your marriage is probably toast.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

OP, I am the one Conan mentioned to you. 

Can we take a moment and find out what you grew up in?

How was your home growing up?

Did you cheat on your ex?


----------



## mirrormirror

Blossom Leigh said:


> OP, I am the one Conan mentioned to you.
> 
> Can we take a moment and find out what you grew up in?
> 
> How was your home growing up?
> 
> Did you cheat on your ex?


Hello Blossom,

Home environment was chaotic growing up. Abusive parents and never really got help for what's now developed into borderline personality disorder. I did cheat on my ex as well, yes.


----------



## WasHappyatOneTime

mirrormirror said:


> Hello Blossom,
> 
> Home environment was chaotic growing up. Abusive parents and never really got help for what's now developed into borderline personality disorder. I did cheat on my ex as well, yes.


I would imagine you see the pattern.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Betrayal is highly destructive and you are a serial betrayer. Would you agree with that statement?


----------



## mirrormirror

Blossom Leigh said:


> Betrayal is highly destructive and you are a serial betrayer. Would you agree with that statement?


Yes I would agree.


----------



## Blossom Leigh

What does your gut tell you you should do?


----------



## cdbaker

If your marriage has a chance, they key will be all about ACTION, not promises. Promises are meaningless now.

That means full NC. Don't check any of those e-mail accounts (don't tell me you can't remember where they are or the passwords. I don't believe that for a second. Get serious and go delete them all, NOW), install a key logger on your computer, sell your smartphone (come on, who doesn't have one nowadays) and buy a cheap "Text'n'Call" dumb phone special, give her full access to every part of your life and don't question her asking about where you are or who you are with or what you are doing, ever.

Stay in therapy, commit to it.

Do not expect or even ask for her respect/love right now. You have no right to it whatsoever, so don't even be surprised when it's not forthcoming, or expect her to praise you for doing something good or the way it's supposed to be done. There are no "brownie points" to be found here.

Absolutely, unquestioningly, do not expect or pursue sex with her right now. Don't even drop hints about it. In fact, tell her you expect nothing remotely sexual from her because you know you don't deserve that and need to re-earn her trust and vulnerability.

Take little steps to slowly help rebuild her self esteem. Maybe write her little notes from time to time, bring her a little gift once in a while, etc. Again, don't expect anything in return, probably not even a "thank you" for a while.

Also, NO PORN. Walk away from it. That's part of why the key logger is important, and ditching the smartphone which to her is the tool of your deceit. Porn reprograms your brain in extremely destructive ways and will only damage your marriage further. I'm dead serious about this.

Get active. Start working out, eat better, get rid of any friends who knew about your affairs and didn't speak up or otherwise supported them and find new friends. Step up and fix things around the house, clean it up, any chore or responsibility that your wife is not able to accomplish now should be your job for a while.

Honestly if your wife gives you another chance, count your lucky stars. If you really love your wife and want to save your marriage, you'll commit to all of these things. If you can't, then you should do both of you a favor and give her the opportunity to find someone who will love and respect her properly, by giving her a generous divorce.


----------



## mirrormirror

Thank you everyone for your time and advice, it's just a day late Nd a dollar short it seems. She is 100% filing for divorce in a few months.

-M


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Actually not... The work needs to still be done so that it is not carried into another relationship.


----------



## Tron

Blossom Leigh said:


> Actually not... The work needs to still be done so that it is not carried into another relationship.


:iagree:

Don't quit your IC. Go to meetings. Learn how to regulate. 

Get to work on yourself even if it doesn't save this relationship. If you don't, I think history will repeat itself.


----------



## cdbaker

mirrormirror said:


> Thank you everyone for your time and advice, it's just a day late Nd a dollar short it seems. She is 100% filing for divorce in a few months.
> 
> -M


In a few months? 100%? You're saying it's not possible that she'll change her mind?

I'll call nonsense on that. I'm not saying that you definitively still have a chance, but I will say that giving up will be your choice, not hers.


----------

