# Mom died 3 years ago, Dad died a year later, now my dog...



## NJ2

I guess the title says it all. I watched my mom die a long slow death due to kidney failure among other things and as we scattered her ashes in my backyard my dad fell and broke several bones- they found cancer in him while he was in the hospital recovering from the breaks. It took him a year to die- he tried hard to recover but after too many setback he couldnt fight any more. He died almost a year to the date after my mom.

3 Weeks ago we had to put my best little buddy down (he was a standard poodle -almost 14) He died with me holding him just like each of my parents did. A couple of days after that my DD24 left home to work and travel for 6 months.

I'm feeling sad and a bit lost. Each death brings up the memories of the last death and all the suffering. The dog was suffering and I feel guilty for waiting a few days too long hoping he would rally. I feel guilty for spending the money my parents left me. I feel guilty for the relief that came with each passing. 

I dont know.....just feeling blah I guess.

My sympathies to all the other people experiencing the loss and grief of a loved one.


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## Diana7

Your feelings are quite normal after these losses. 

Its normal to feel relief when a loved one who is suffering greatly dies. Why would you want that suffering to be drawn out longer than needed? It was a relief for them and for you. No guilt needed. What a blessing for them to have you with them when they died. So many people don't have that. 

Not sure why you feel guilty for spending the money? 

Be glad for your daughter, good for her than she is being independent. I always encouraged my children to be independent. I guess if she is your only child you will feel a gap, but she is of the age to be leaving home anyway.


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## Cynthia

I'm sorry that you have had these loses all so close together. I know that is hard. One year my mother had her father, then her mother, then her only sibling die from January through August. It was a horrible year for the family, so I have some idea of what you're talking about. It stinks.

You are grieving, which is normal. Being relieved at the end of a loved one's suffering is normal. When my paternal grandmother died, we were all relieved. She couldn't understand why she had to hang on and suffer for so long in pain. It was a terrible thing to watch and I was thankful when she passed. I still miss her, but I'm thankful she didn't have to suffer one more minute than she did.


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## CharlieParker

((( HUGS )) Jackie, you’ll get this, eventually. 

I lost my 2 weeks ago after a long struggle. Do you have siblings?


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## meson

My condolences. You are not alone, you have the support of the forum. I just lost both of my parents in the last year and it's hard. It seems that with your daughter is away your feelings of lonelyness is heightened. I'm surviving and you will also. 

I've found support and distraction by restarting a hobby I let slide that has let me meet new people and kept me active. Do something physical as well since the activity will help aliviate depression. I've also started updating a book my dad wrote to help pass on his insights to my kids. By doing this work to continue their legacy helps to minimize survivors guilt for me.

Keep on trucking...


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## Blondilocks

Please don't think me as callous to your pain; but, consider getting another dog. Nothing like a wriggling puppy to fill your heart with joy and turn your tears to laughter. My condolences on your losses.


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## NJ2

Blondilocks said:


> Please don't think me as callous to your pain; but, consider getting another dog. Nothing like a wriggling puppy to fill your heart with joy and turn your tears to laughter. My condolences on your losses.


LOL I had to laugh at your excellent suggestion. We do have a dog "leftover". He is 5- but normally is as much of a wriggling puppy as I could handle. He misses the other dog -he has spent 2 weeks looking for the him and probably my daughter. He was hardly eating unless we hand fed him. Finally he's getting back to himself with a happy tired sleep after a hike last night.


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## NJ2

CharlieParker said:


> ((( HUGS )) Jackie, you’ll get this, eventually.
> 
> I lost my 2 weeks ago after a long struggle. Do you have siblings?


 @CharlieParker -Oh Charlie! I'm so sorry for your loss. Was it your mother or father? 
Thank you for the vote of confidence lol - I will get it eventually. I have a brother -he was a great support during it all-he knew how complicated our feelings were for our parents. My mother could be abusive to me growing up. Physical abuse was more accepted back then as a disciplinary technique but the anger with which she instilled it at times was both sad and vile. 

We knew both parents had had affairs-but when I was cleaning out her stuff after she died I found a condom and a pic of her in her bra and underwear. My dad's secretary's husband took the pic, and I imagine the condom was for him as well.....My brother wouldnt spend more than a few minutes visiting my mom while she was sick but he would help with chores and errands.

I'd forgiven her long before that through counselling and setting up healthy boundaries. I even got closure for the one thing that was left as an open wound- she had a man and his wife stay with us for a week when I was 7yrs old--that man molested me -some of which she saw. She blamed me for sitting beside him and never spoke a word to him about it. Later (as a teen and adult) when i brought it up she would only say "well he was always nice to me" A couple of weeks before she died she was angry about a woman on dr Phil that wouldnt accept responsibility for not protecting her D from a family friend abuser. She was right irate!!! I said m0m thats you.....and really finally got it....


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## ConanHub

Hang in there sweetheart!

I have found that giving in and crying occasionally is healing and loving those I still have, with everything I possess inside, is very empowering and healthy.

I still have moments of regret and sorrow, thinking about ways I could have been better towards those that are gone and ways I wronged them, but I turn it into actions towards those that are still here, righting wrongs and improving behaviors towards my loved ones.


I use pain and regret to improve and love more.

It seems healthy and helpful for my life anyhow.

Spend your resources on love. I would have no greater honor than if my children spent what I left behind on loving the precious people that remain in their lives.

God bless you honey!


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## ConanHub

NJ2 said:


> @CharlieParker -Oh Charlie! I'm so sorry for your loss. Was it your mother or father?
> Thank you for the vote of confidence lol - I will get it eventually. I have a brother -he was a great support during it all-he knew how complicated our feelings were for our parents. My mother could be abusive to me growing up. Physical abuse was more accepted back then as a disciplinary technique but the anger with which she instilled it at times was both sad and vile.
> 
> We knew both parents had had affairs-but when I was cleaning out her stuff after she died I found a condom and a pic of her in her bra and underwear. My dad's secretary's husband took the pic, and I imagine the condom was for him as well.....My brother wouldnt spend more than a few minutes visiting my mom while she was sick but he would help with chores and errands.
> 
> I'd forgiven her long before that through counselling and setting up healthy boundaries. I even got closure for the one thing that was left as an open wound- she had a man and his wife stay with us for a week when I was 7yrs old--that man molested me -some of which she saw. She blamed me for sitting beside him and never spoke a word to him about it. Later (as a teen and adult) when i brought it up she would only say "well he was always nice to me" A couple of weeks before she died she was angry about a woman on dr Phil that wouldnt accept responsibility for not protecting her D from a family friend abuser. She was right irate!!! I said m0m thats you.....and really finally got it....


WOW!:surprise:


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## Middle of Everything

NJ2 said:


> I guess the title says it all. I watched my mom die a long slow death due to kidney failure among other things and as we scattered her ashes in my backyard my dad fell and broke several bones- they found cancer in him while he was in the hospital recovering from the breaks. It took him a year to die- he tried hard to recover but after too many setback he couldnt fight any more. He died almost a year to the date after my mom.
> 
> 3 Weeks ago we had to put my best little buddy down (he was a standard poodle -almost 14) He died with me holding him just like each of my parents did. A couple of days after that my DD24 left home to work and travel for 6 months.
> 
> I'm feeling sad and a bit lost. Each death brings up the memories of the last death and all the suffering. The dog was suffering and I feel guilty for waiting a few days too long hoping he would rally. I feel guilty for spending the money my parents left me. I feel guilty for the relief that came with each passing.
> 
> I dont know.....just feeling blah I guess.
> 
> My sympathies to all the other people experiencing the loss and grief of a loved one.


First of my condolences. Ive been there. My dad dies 12 years ago when I was about 30 after a I hope most people dont have to deal with it 8 year Parkinsons battle. My mom recently after congestive heart failure/diabetes/kidney failure. BOTH did not deal with their illness well AT ALL and were horrible to the people that mattered most.

So from a different perspective i get the guilt of being relieved by loved ones passings. But you have to live your life still. Life goes on. Its not like you wont remember them and miss them. 

The money? Your parents loved you right? Im guessing they would be smiling to provide for you again and see you enjoy something because of them.

And I get it with your dog. MOST people have been there with a dog. Many have let it go even further because they just couldnt bear to let them go.

Hang in there and keep living. It gets better.


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## Middle of Everything

NJ2 said:


> @CharlieParker -Oh Charlie! I'm so sorry for your loss. Was it your mother or father?
> Thank you for the vote of confidence lol - I will get it eventually. I have a brother -he was a great support during it all-he knew how complicated our feelings were for our parents. My mother could be abusive to me growing up. Physical abuse was more accepted back then as a disciplinary technique but the anger with which she instilled it at times was both sad and vile.
> 
> We knew both parents had had affairs-but when I was cleaning out her stuff after she died I found a condom and a pic of her in her bra and underwear. My dad's secretary's husband took the pic, and I imagine the condom was for him as well.....My brother wouldnt spend more than a few minutes visiting my mom while she was sick but he would help with chores and errands.
> 
> I'd forgiven her long before that through counselling and setting up healthy boundaries. I even got closure for the one thing that was left as an open wound- she had a man and his wife stay with us for a week when I was 7yrs old--that man molested me -some of which she saw. She blamed me for sitting beside him and never spoke a word to him about it. Later (as a teen and adult) when i brought it up she would only say "well he was always nice to me" A couple of weeks before she died she was angry about a woman on dr Phil that wouldnt accept responsibility for not protecting her D from a family friend abuser. She was right irate!!! I said m0m thats you.....and really finally got it....


I missed this initially. WOW. Im sorry you had to deal with that.

Your mom sounds worse than mine. :surprise: 

I dont know if its what a psychologist would tell someone to do, but Ill tell you what helps me a little bit. I miss _what could have been_with my mom and dad. _What could have been_ if they wouldnt have been so damgaged and selfish. I try to feel _pity_ for them rather than anger or hate.


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## OnTheFly

Writing stuff down and a good cry, seems to help me. YMMV

Also, doing stuff and going places that have strong, good, nostalgic feelings, helps too.


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## wilson

NJ2 said:


> LOL I had to laugh at your excellent suggestion. We do have a dog "leftover". He is 5- but normally is as much of a wriggling puppy as I could handle. He misses the other dog -he has spent 2 weeks looking for the him and probably my daughter. He was hardly eating unless we hand fed him. Finally he's getting back to himself with a happy tired sleep after a hike last night.


Keep an eye on your other dog. He can't tell you directly, but he may get depressed being an only dog. He sounds like he's making progress, but he might be pretty mopey. That's what happened to us in the past. Even when we had dogs that weren't best-buds, when one died, the other one lost a lot of spark and happiness. But then when we got another dog, the other one would perk back up. Even if they aren't friends, they enjoy life more with another dog in the house.

I know what you went through was hard, but if you are considering another dog, consider getting an older dog. Often an older dog will be very mellow and won't be much work. The older dog might not be super playful, but your other dog will feel better just having another dog around.


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## NJ2

ConanHub said:


> Hang in there sweetheart!
> 
> I have found that giving in and crying occasionally is healing and loving those I still have, with everything I possess inside, is very empowering and healthy.
> 
> I still have moments of regret and sorrow, thinking about ways I could have been better towards those that are gone and ways I wronged them, but I turn it into actions towards those that are still here, righting wrongs and improving behaviors towards my loved ones.
> 
> 
> I use pain and regret to improve and love more.
> 
> It seems healthy and helpful for my life anyhow.
> 
> Spend your resources on love. I would have no greater honor than if my children spent what I left behind on loving the precious people that remain in their lives.
> 
> God bless you honey!


ahhhhh Conan! You are always very wise.That is a good spin to try. Funny I hardly cried at all when my parents died- like a few spontaneous breakdowns but only for a few minutes - but the dog......a flood of tears lol - i think it was too dangerous to let the feelings out for my parents when it happened. As soon as my mom died my dad needed me then when he died I was busy with all the death stuff... i kind of put it off and now its here combined with the dog!

I have no regrets about how i was with them but certainly I have regrets for the way they were with each other and me. (I know neither my fault)

I could use the pain and sadness to put into loving my family- being a better wife- I will always have regrets about that. Hmmmmmmm maybe that could be a new hobby......just being kinder and more giving to those I care the most about!
Thanks!


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## NJ2

@wilson - yes he does seem pretty mopey - last night he cried beside our bed- he often sleeps at my husbands feet - and we couldnt figure out what was the matter then my H said he knew -and rolled over to give the dog room right beside him. H said hes been waking up to the dog with his head on the pillow beside him and basically spooning him. I guess hes lonely in the night. I will consider getting an older dog- sure couldnt do the puppy thing again. You make a lot of sense.


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## NJ2

Middle of Everything said:


> I missed this initially. WOW. Im sorry you had to deal with that.
> 
> Your mom sounds worse than mine. :surprise:
> 
> I dont know if its what a psychologist would tell someone to do, but Ill tell you what helps me a little bit. I miss _what could have been_with my mom and dad. _What could have been_ if they wouldnt have been so damgaged and selfish. I try to feel _pity_ for them rather than anger or hate.


LOL! She was both wonderful and at times awful. I did go to IC and they helped to reframe the way i saw them. They did the best with what they had and knew how to do. In my 30's a counselor told me to tell my mom "We are both adults now mom , and the relationship needs to change. I dont need to be corrected or disciplined anymore. I love you and you are welcome in my house but not if you criticize me. Period. If you cant be in my presence without insulting me you simply cant come over. There is nothing wrong with me. I have done well. I have 3 degrees that I paid for, a great job, 3 wonderful children a hardworking husband , and close friends. I am fine."

The first probably 5 times she came over after that she couldnt actually speak to me. She just sat there and talked to everyone else. But slowly she started forming new habits and changed the way she talked to me. I think that changed the way she thought about me as well. I was lucky to have someone actually give me a script of what to say and to empower me to do it.

But I do wish she could have been less selfish and more loving to my kids. I wish her and my dad had had a more stable relationship and set a better example of what it means to be married....

You made me laugh I suspect you are a kindred spirit! Thank you


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## arbitrator

*A big brotherly hug, @NJ2 ~ and a prayer for you to the Heavenly Father; along with the consolation of knowing that you are being thought of and are cared for by the vast majority of us TAM'ers!

Know that you are not alone and are loved!*


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## NJ2

arbitrator said:


> *A big brotherly hug, @NJ2 ~ and a prayer for you to the Heavenly Father; along with the consolation of knowing that you are being thought of and are cared for by the vast majority of us TAM'ers!
> 
> Know that you are not alone and are loved!*


Thank you Arby! Your post was exactly what i needed to read today. Actually made my eyes water lol.


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## Aspydad

NJ2 said:


> I guess the title says it all. I watched my mom die a long slow death due to kidney failure among other things and as we scattered her ashes in my backyard my dad fell and broke several bones- they found cancer in him while he was in the hospital recovering from the breaks. It took him a year to die- he tried hard to recover but after too many setback he couldnt fight any more. He died almost a year to the date after my mom.
> 
> 3 Weeks ago we had to put my best little buddy down (he was a standard poodle -almost 14) He died with me holding him just like each of my parents did. A couple of days after that my DD24 left home to work and travel for 6 months.
> 
> I'm feeling sad and a bit lost. Each death brings up the memories of the last death and all the suffering. The dog was suffering and I feel guilty for waiting a few days too long hoping he would rally. I feel guilty for spending the money my parents left me. I feel guilty for the relief that came with each passing.
> 
> I dont know.....just feeling blah I guess.
> 
> My sympathies to all the other people experiencing the loss and grief of a loved one.


My father just died on June 11th after a long battle with Progressive Supranuclear Pulsy. He was actually losing cognitive capability for three to five years (although we had no idea why when this was happening) and then the last three years he physically went down hill as the disease progressed (which is where the progressive in the name of the disease comes from). we only knew the prognosis for the last 1.5 years as to what was causing his decline. Basically, the automation control center of his brained slowly died - so he became completely paralyzed in the end - lost his ability to swallow completely the last few weeks and he refused to have a feeding tube - he had no life and was completely dependent on others - he could not even wipe his nose.

When he died - I did not even cry as I was all cried out from the last few years seeing him decline as he become trapped in his body. I feel guilty as well about this feeling of relief when he died, as I loved him so - but, I was glad he passed - just a complete conundrum of the brain for me. I had been traveling to see him once a month for the last year - as he lived 1000 miles away - so I was there each time about 4 days with him - I skipped the last month because I had limited vacation ( my daughter got married and I took a week off in January) - so I was saving up for later in the year - I was actually scheduled to see him the Thursday before he died (he died on the Monday) - but, I got sick so I postponed the visit for one more week. Mom call me on the Sunday and tells me that Dad has refused all medication and will not get the feeding tube put in - so another words he is dying. She tells me he has one to two weeks - so - instead of flying I drive my car - it is a two day drive (I did not want to have a rental car for an indefinite amount of time or I would have flown) so as I am driving Monday - I get the news - he had passed before I got there - I was so upset that I did not get to say goodbye!! went two months between seeing him - so I feel guilty. Will live with that the rest of my life. 

I am trying to come to terms - but, I think it is just part of the grieving process. Logically, I know I did nothing wrong - and his passing is for the best as he suffered so - but, my subconscious is not buying it!!


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## NJ2

Aspydad said:


> My father just died on June 11th after a long battle with Progressive Supranuclear Pulsy. He was actually losing cognitive capability for three to five years (although we had no idea why when this was happening) and then the last three years he physically went down hill as the disease progressed (which is where the progressive in the name of the disease comes from). we only knew the prognosis for the last 1.5 years as to what was causing his decline. Basically, the automation control center of his brained slowly died - so he became completely paralyzed in the end - lost his ability to swallow completely the last few weeks and he refused to have a feeding tube - he had no life and was completely dependent on others - he could not even wipe his nose.
> 
> When he died - I did not even cry as I was all cried out from the last few years seeing him decline as he become trapped in his body. I feel guilty as well about this feeling of relief when he died, as I loved him so - but, I was glad he passed - just a complete conundrum of the brain for me. I had been traveling to see him once a month for the last year - as he lived 1000 miles away - so I was there each time about 4 days with him - I skipped the last month because I had limited vacation ( my daughter got married and I took a week off in January) - so I was saving up for later in the year - I was actually scheduled to see him the Thursday before he died (he died on the Monday) - but, I got sick so I postponed the visit for one more week. Mom call me on the Sunday and tells me that Dad has refused all medication and will not get the feeding tube put in - so another words he is dying. She tells me he has one to two weeks - so - instead of flying I drive my car - it is a two day drive (I did not want to have a rental car for an indefinite amount of time or I would have flown) so as I am driving Monday - I get the news - he had passed before I got there - I was so upset that I did not get to say goodbye!! went two months between seeing him - so I feel guilty. Will live with that the rest of my life.
> 
> I am trying to come to terms - but, I think it is just part of the grieving process. Logically, I know I did nothing wrong - and his passing is for the best as he suffered so - but, my subconscious is not buying it!!


My sincere sympathies Aspeydad. It sounds like you went through a very similar scenario. You went above and beyond for your dad. What you did was really quite remarkable for him. I believe that he knew how much you loved him and how much you sacrificed to be there for him. Dont beat yourself up for the last days. You are human not superman. I used to put my head on my desk at work and cry sometimes at the end of the day because I did not want to go visit again. I wanted those very heavy expectations removed from my shoulders. That is part of the relief. I think as time passes you will rightly forgive yourself. You will start to feel his nonjudgemental spirit around you and feel that unconditional love. 

It may help to go to a grieving support group- you will hear many stories and situationwith feeling similar to yours. God bless.


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## Ab10lah

NJ2, thanks for sharing this here. I really can't imagine how hard that must have been. Good to know you were able to overcome all hurdles and lead a fruitful life and blessed with a wonderful family.

I found the advice given by your therapist wonderful and can be used for any other boundary stomping person in life, so, I'm jotting it down.

Hope you feel better about the loss of your parents and dog and the absence of your daughter day by day.

Sending good thoughts your way.


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