# Dog Park Buddies



## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Just curious as to others' thoughts. My DH has been going to the dog park at the same time for several months. He has befriended a woman that appears to be in her early 30's - he is in his late 50's. They exchanged numbers and now coordinate meeting at the same time probably 4-5 times a week. This has been going on (as far as I know) for 2 months. Maybe 2 weeks ago, he asked me to go to the dog park with him but I couldn't go due to my job. I also didn't know he was meeting someone there. There was another time when I had his car and I delayed him by 10 minutes of going to the park. He was so mad that I was 10 minutes late that it made me wonder if he was meeting someone there but I still blew it off. Last week, she sent him two benign pics of herself in bed with her dog. Benign meaning she was fully dressed and she was cuddling with her dog (even though she was still in her bed). My DH started a dinner conversation with me letting me know that he had been meeting her, that he was helping her with a website for her business which is why they had exchanged numbers and that she had sent pics. He said he didn't want me to find the pics in his text without him telling me first. He said he was getting nervous that she was starting to like him. At first I was saying to him - no she doesn't like you. Too big of an age gap (at the time he said he thought she was in her 20's) and I just didn't see it with what he was saying. Then the more he talked, the more I changed my mind. So he asked me to go with him. When we get there, he texted her to say he was there. She texted right back she was on her way. I stayed back as I wanted to see how she approached him. She came flying to the park- driving crazy fast and half ran to get there (probably .5 mile walk from parking lot). When I walked up, I was introduced and she was cool as a cucumber - we all chatted and she left within 10 minutes. All good to this point...

The day after I met her, I got home early to go to the dog park - and he had already left much earlier than normal without asking me to go. I was hurt. When I looked at his text that night, she said she was sick and couldn't come. Then yesterday (next day) - he left to go and again didn't invite me. I was again hurt. When I asked him if she was there he said, yes.."and you no longer need to worry. She told me that she was wondering when you would show up to check her out..(whatever that means...why would she say that to him) and that yesterday they talked about all the different men she likes.

Normally I would talk through this with him but I kinda want to give it another day to two to see what he does? Do you think something is developing or am I being over-reactive?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, I think YOU should take the bull by the horns. You can mate-guard (he obviously WANTED you to do this to make a point to her). I think you should invite yourself a few times at random -- just to keep it in HER mind that he is married.
You should just observe the interactions. If anything squirrely from YOUR point of view, just talk (don't ATTACK HIM) about it and discuss.
Nothing wrong at ALL about protecting your marriage this way.
Also, I bet HE (as long as you aren't accusing HIM of doing something) may like the fact that you want to make a show of him being married to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I would not be happy about this. Unsure how I'd handle it, but I would not like it.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

If your husband suspects she might be developing feelings that's all I would need to know to put my foot down and say no more, you have every right to expect him to understand. She's some stranger he met at a dog park, why is there even any question as to what needs to be done?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Oh, I wouldn't worry too much about that. I've actually been the 50 year old at the dog park before meeting a 30-something (not with texting, just coming a certain time). It eventually went south and yes, it was due to the age gap as much as anything. 

It sounds like he did her this favor but it was about business. He invited you early on, so he IS mindful that she might have something else on her mind (or that he might be tempted) and he's trying to head that off at the pass, as they say in the Old West. 

So it's not like he's all in hiding and chasing her. You SHOULD continue to go to the dog park with him at least once a month. Or hey, show up there by yourself with the dog sometimes. 

I don't think he's done anything awful, but it does sound like she found you showing up awkward, and there's a reason for that, but it may strictly be on her end, although make no mistake, every guy is flattered when a woman takes a shine to him. Makes him feel good. Doesn't always mean he'll do anything about it and the fact he invited you twice is proof of that. But yeah, keep going. They'll stop meeting there at the same time. He probably ditched you that one day after you went just because she was freaking out a little. I imagine they both took a step back, don't you?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Wow! On April 5, 2013, you were a grown man whose wife was jealous of you having a good female friend from work.

Have you had an operation?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Wow! On April 5, 2013, you were a grown man whose wife was jealous of you having a good female friend from work.
> 
> Have you had an operation?


You're good!


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Wow! On April 5, 2013, you were a grown man whose wife was jealous of you having a good female friend from work.
> 
> Have you had an operation?


2013 was quite a mess in our marriage. I am positive cheating did not happen but it was a very difficult situation. Closest we have had to the D-word coming up in 21 years of marriage. Outside of that, I have always felt safe. I posted the above because it is not our norm for either to have a 3rd party friendship outside the marriage. I don't want to overreact or underreact which is why I was seeking other's opinions
.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

So you’re really which one — husband or wife?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pantherfan01 said:


> 2013 was quite a mess in our marriage. I am positive cheating did not happen but it was a very difficult situation. Closest we have had to the D-word coming up in 21 years of marriage. Outside of that, I have always felt safe. I posted the above because it is not our norm for either to have a 3rd party friendship outside the marriage. I don't want to overreact or underreact which is why I was seeking other's opinions
> .


Kind sir, I believe @Blondilocks is referring to your post in 2013 where you represented yourself as a male, and here you're representing yourself as a female.

It's a bit incongruous. 
Posts remain in the archives.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> So you’re really which one — husband or wife?


I am the wife... I forgot the I had posted as him in 2013. In 2013 I was trying to come at it from his perspective because the situation was so heated and I wanted to show him how others would advise if it was his version not mine. My version was a lot angrier. Honestly, I had forgotten I had done that...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

pantherfan01 said:


> I am the wife... I forgot the I had posted as him in 2013. In 2013 I was trying to come at it from his perspective because the situation was so heated and I wanted to show him how others would advise if it was his version not mine. My version was a lot angrier. Honestly, I had forgotten I had done that...


Thanks for sharing. Whereas I can see your logic imho it's best here, to be honest in reaching out, and truly better results are obtained. 

Thanks for opening up. No worries. 🙂

Is the dog park problem escalating the tension in your M?

Ragnar


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

pantherfan01 said:


> Do you think something is develop*ing*......?


No. Wrong tense. An emotional affair has already developed.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> No. Wrong tense. An emotional affair has already developed.


How do you define an emotional affair? I don't think that is where we are at this point.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks for sharing. Whereas I can see your logic imho it's best here, to be honest in reaching out, and truly better results are obtained.
> 
> Thanks for opening up. No worries. 🙂
> 
> ...





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Thanks for sharing. Whereas I can see your logic imho it's best here, to be honest in reaching out, and truly better results are obtained.
> 
> Thanks for opening up. No worries. 🙂
> 
> ...


Distance not tension.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

pantherfan01 said:


> How do you define an emotional affair? I don't think that is where we are at this point.


I'm not sure of an official definition, but all the red flags and indicators are there. Secrecy, getting upset, not inviting you. I'm not saying there's any sex going on, or ever will. But his alone time with her is very valuable to him, enough so to exclude you. There is emotional attachment between the two.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Your husband reminds me of the Alan Rickman character in Love Actually. 

This situation definitely requires rectification.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> I'm not sure of an official definition, but all the red flags and indicators are there. Secrecy, getting upset, not inviting you. I'm not saying there's any sex going on, or ever will. But his alone time with her is very valuable to him, enough so to exclude you. There is emotional attachment between the two.
> [/QUO





OnTheFly said:


> Your husband reminds me of the Alan Rickman character in Love Actually.
> 
> This situation definitely requires rectification.


Maybe I will watch that movie tonight...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I think she got a little attached. That could be why she made the comment about wondering when you would show up to check her out. She likely sees herself as competition — her versus you. And maybe he’s a little attached too.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here is what I think. Your husband became friendly, thought that maybe SHE was getting TOO friendly or interested, so asked YOU to come (HIS way of protecting the marriage) to get the point across to her in a non-confrontational way.

Now, in his view, they can just be dog-park friends and keep it at that level.
However, I DO think you should go with him regularly so that SHE doesn't get any further ideas going ( YOUR way of protecting the marriage!)


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

They are both walking on very thin ice. Time they started walking the dogs at different times.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you have an idea as to when he told her he was married?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> They are both walking on very thin ice. Time they started walking the dogs at different times.


I agree but the problem is getting the dog to accept being walked at a different time. 🙂🙂


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I think she got a little attached. That could be why she made the comment about wondering when you would show up to check her out. She likely sees herself as competition — her versus you. And maybe he’s a little attached too. I am familiar with that as over the years a few of my ex-husband’s younger female reports enjoyed his attention a little too much and ended up seeing me as someone in their way. I don’t know if that’s exactly the case with the two of them but I can tell you from experience that those situations sometimes get out of hand.


Interesting thought... thank you


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

No 


NextTimeAround said:


> Do you have an idea as to when he told her he was married?


No idea...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So, I think YOU should take the bull by the horns. You can mate-guard (he obviously WANTED you to do this to make a point to her). I think you should invite yourself a few times at random -- just to keep it in HER mind that he is married.
> You should just observe the interactions. If anything squirrely from YOUR point of view, just talk (don't ATTACK HIM) about it and discuss.
> Nothing wrong at ALL about protecting your marriage this way.
> Also, I bet HE (as long as you aren't accusing HIM of doing something) may like the fact that you want to make a show of him being married to you.


A lot of men like a female bodyguard. I had several instances of men who wanted me to act proprietary toward them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Yeah DBTR, in this case he is using the wife to 'disarm" the situation so it's non-confrontational, but gets the point across that HE is happily married (and wants to stay that way).
I really do think he is marriage-guarding here with this, but I do think the OP should make her presence known WELL and OFTEN.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Same thing.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Thank you everyone for the great feedback and input. It was all very helpful and helped me process the situation. My main reason for posting was because I didn't know if I was over-reacting or under-reacting. I do feel things were progressing quickly which is why my DH started to involve me. I do think she was developing interest and maybe initially he liked the attention but was starting to get uneasy. Without notice this afternoon, I told DH that I was going to the dog park at the normal time and then politely asked him for his phone for me to take with me. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't flinch and he didn't. He immediately handed over his phone with a grin. I saw that she had texted him earlier today (different pattern) and talked all about her getting a job. Little more personal information than the other texts. When I got home, DH waited for an hour to ask if she was there. She wasn't. It led to a further discussion about the situation and how I felt he had handled things Ok until the last two days. I included and talked about some of the comments made on this post. We both agreed that between me now going to the dog park (he said it would like the break) and the fact that it appears she will be working now - I think this issue can be put to rest. Thank you again everyone! Feedback was so appreciated.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Has he agreed to no contact? Was it brought up?


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

OnTheFly said:


> Has he agreed to no contact? Was it brought up?


Yes and seems completely fine with it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I agree but the problem is getting the dog to accept being walked at a different time. 🙂🙂


Our dogs have always been pretty good about being walked at different times. Especially our present one who is very laid back.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pantherfan01 said:


> Thank you everyone for the great feedback and input. It was all very helpful and helped me process the situation. My main reason for posting was because I didn't know if I was over-reacting or under-reacting. I do feel things were progressing quickly which is why my DH started to involve me. I do think she was developing interest and maybe initially he liked the attention but was starting to get uneasy. Without notice this afternoon, I told DH that I was going to the dog park at the normal time and then politely asked him for his phone for me to take with me. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't flinch and he didn't. He immediately handed over his phone with a grin. I saw that she had texted him earlier today (different pattern) and talked all about her getting a job. Little more personal information than the other texts. When I got home, DH waited for an hour to ask if she was there. She wasn't. It led to a further discussion about the situation and how I felt he had handled things Ok until the last two days. I included and talked about some of the comments made on this post. We both agreed that between me now going to the dog park (he said it would like the break) and the fact that it appears she will be working now - I think this issue can be put to rest. Thank you again everyone! Feedback was so appreciated.


There need to be no contact by texting either.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A lot of men like a female bodyguard. I had several instances of men who wanted me to act proprietary toward them.


Isnt it pretty weak of a man to expect their partner to do that? Cant he even make a simple decision such as walking the dog at a different time and stop any other contact? Its not rocket science. No idea why they needed to have each others phone numbers anyway.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He just probably felt like he got himself into an awkward situation and didn't know what to do. But I think he did the best thing. People can be pretty weak about being blunt with someone who has been building up their ego.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> People can be pretty weak about being blunt with someone who has been building up their ego.


They can be weak also if they consider the person a friend and don't want to hurt their feelings -- I have a feeling that HE viewed the relationship this way, and I think having his wife show up is an easy, very obvious way to back her off if she was developing inappropriate feelings about the friendship.
Always CAN be issues with opposite sex friends... (not that they ALWAYS are, but they CAN be...)


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> (not that they ALWAYS are, but they CAN be...)


Sadly, it is safest to be pre-emptive with your boundaries. If you don't want anything bad to happen with that person in your home, for example, then you don't invite them in.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Great update.

Were this to happen here, that would be the last time my husband would take the dog to the dog park, lol. There'd be no more contact in any form between them or I'd be done. No two ways about it.

Well done OP!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

The way I see it is if your spouse gives out his/her phone number and didn't tell you right away, that's dirty. If they then texted/phone calls with that person and did not tell you, that's a problem. BUT, he did invite you to the dog park so there was a shred of transparency there. 

Looks like it's time to talk boundaries.


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Moral of the story: Always follow your intuition. I originally posted because I didn't know if I was over-reacting or under-reacting. This week I have been going with DH to the dog park. We both felt that was the best solution as due to our jobs, this park being the closet by half an hour and it gets dark so early (best time of day and best location) - that I just go with him each day. He somewhat maintained that the other person only liked to meet him there because the dogs liked to play together and I maintained that her actions would show her intent. Day one - she remained friendly to both. Day two - she acted annoyed but lightly conversed and Day three - she was pretty ugly to both of us... DH leaves the park saying....I guess this was a good exercise and her intentions became known. Always follow your instincts... thanks again for everyone's input. I love forums where you can get advice from people that can see things completely from the outside looking in. Happy Holidays to all!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pantherfan01 said:


> Moral of the story: Always follow your intuition. I originally posted because I didn't know if I was over-reacting or under-reacting. This week I have been going with DH to the dog park. We both felt that was the best solution as due to our jobs, this park being the closet by half an hour and it gets dark so early (best time of day and best location) - that I just go with him each day. He somewhat maintained that the other person only liked to meet him there because the dogs liked to play together and I maintained that her actions would show her intent. Day one - she remained friendly to both. Day two - she acted annoyed but lightly conversed and Day three - she was pretty ugly to both of us... DH leaves the park saying....I guess this was a good exercise and her intentions became known. Always follow your instincts... thanks again for everyone's input. I love forums where you can get advice from people that can see things completely from the outside looking in. Happy Holidays to all!


Did he actually say why they exchanged phone numbers?


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## pantherfan01 (Apr 5, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Did he actually say why they exchanged phone numbers?


Yes.. DH agreed to help her set up a domain name for a business she wanted to start so they swapped numbers. He had texted her an available domain name very early in their texts. It seemed to then evolved into coordinating meeting there at the same time. In DH's defense, he started sensing she might be interested which is why he had started inviting me to come. He wasn't clear as to why he wanted me to come which is why I didn't fully see the need and continued on my normal schedule. When she sent him two pics of her in her bed (fully dressed) with her dog is when he finally sat me down and said - this is what is going on...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She had an agenda and wasn’t happy when things changed. 

I’m glad everything worked out well for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

pantherfan01 said:


> Yes.. DH agreed to help her set up a domain name for a business she wanted to start so they swapped numbers. He had texted her an available domain name very early in their texts. It seemed to then evolved into coordinating meeting there at the same time. In DH's defense, he started sensing she might be interested which is why he had started inviting me to come. He wasn't clear as to why he wanted me to come which is why I didn't fully see the need and continued on my normal schedule. When she sent him two pics of her in her bed (fully dressed) with her dog is when he finally sat me down and said - this is what is going on...


Probably would have been best if he has mentioned that when it happened.


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