# Crime Novel Addiction?



## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

My wife has always been and avid reader. I am sure she get's through two and sometimes more per week. When our kids were little I would take them to the library and one of my tasks was to get some books for her as well. I learned her tastes in books fairly well which leaned toward popular fiction and romance. She also once told me that she preferred female authors.

Well the kids are grown and out of house now and I haven't been her book chooser for many years. To be honest I haven't really paid much attention to her books other than seeing them around the house and knowing she shares them with some of her gal pals. About a year ago the topic of cork screws came up (for some reason) and she casually mentioned that in the book she is reading somebody was killed with a cork screw. Well that peaked my curiosity and I started reading the book (I forget the title and author) and was shocked by the rape and violence in the book. Since then I have been paying attention and this genre (crime?)seems to dominate her reading.

Why should I care? Maybe I shouldn't but her reading does impact our marriage. She is in the habit of reading for 30-60 minutes in bed before going to sleep. I have learned not to violate that time. Hence we haven't had sex at night before sleep in years. What bothers me is that now I know she is going up to bed to read about rape, mutilation, murder, torture and prefers that to having me join her in bed.

Do you guys consider this a addiction?

Am I wrong to be bothered by it?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

No, I do not consider that an addiction at all. I'm also very interested in true crime (in my case it's in the form of an online forum and also television shows and documentaries). 

The fact that her reading every night interferes with your sex life is a problem, though. Not the genre. I doubt you'd really feel better if she was reading a steamy romance novel and still not having sex....actually that would probably be worse! 

I think I'd leave the genre alone in a conversation with her, but do try to come up with a compromise and let her know you'd like to have sex before bed once in a while. It is not an unreasonable request.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

My wife and I are both avid readers. We both like to read before sleeping. This leads to a situation that would be intolerable for many. In fact I have read many posts talking against exactly the common habit of our marriage. We have sex then roll over and pick up a book. It only is successful because we both share the same habit. 
So what does this have to do with Rob's question?
Rob is not likely to pick up the habit at his age. Bet if he wanted to fake it I could recommend a few titles that might get her attention (just kidding). All Rob needs to do is stop being so shy about interrupting her reading time. The situation has reached the point of threatening sexlessness. It is appropriate to rock the boat by saying, "before you start reading we need some together time". Now I don't see how Rob is going to get quality post coital cuddling. I hope some improvement in sexual frequency will be helpful.
MN


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think I'd leave the genre alone in a conversation with her, but do try to come up with a compromise and let her know you'd like to have sex before bed once in a while. It is not an unreasonable request.


Been there.....done that. The several times over the years I have done this the response is generally a loving pat on the head an a promise for some other night as she is too tired. Generally I then get some loving the next night but I soon realize that it isn't going to be a consistent thing.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

RobQ said:


> Been there.....done that. The several times over the years I have done this the response is generally a loving pat on the head an a promise for some other night as she is too tired. Generally I then get some loving the next night but I soon realize that it isn't going to be a consistent thing.


How about telling her you'd like a little private time with her - maybe a little bit earlier than she usually starts reading. You can tell her she can read to her heart's content afterwards...


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

peacem said:


> It's not an addiction. The type of books she likes to read is irrelevant. If anyone rifled through my book collection they would be very confused indeed. (Erotica, classics, psychology, history, crime ...even religious material).
> 
> If she is substituting sex with reading then it is likely there is something else lacking in your marriage. Poor sex both in terms of quality and quantity is a symptom of something else. It's for you to work out what that is and communicate with her your needs and ask what she would like. I agree with secondtime'round, it is not an unreasonable request to negotiate more time with you than her books. Does she even know that it bothers you?


Thanks for the input. I can't help but wonder if I was on the internet scouring for porn instead of spending time with her what the reaction would be? (I don't by the way). I guess reading about murder, torture, sadism, rape is societally acceptable but video porn is not?


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> All Rob needs to do is stop being so shy about interrupting her reading time. The situation has reached the point of threatening sexlessness. It is appropriate to rock the boat by saying, "before you start reading we need some together time". Now I don't see how Rob is going to get quality post coital cuddling. I hope some improvement in sexual frequency will be helpful.
> MN


Thanks Mr N. As I mentioned above, I have "rocked the boat" a few times but I have learned the hard way that if the choice was between me in Bedroom A and a sadistic crime book in Bedroom B I would be sleeping alone.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Is is just at night before bed that she isn't interested in sex, or has sex pretty much dried up?


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> Is is just at night before bed that she isn't interested in sex, or has sex pretty much dried up?


I get obligation sex every Saturday morning. Last Saturday morning she pulled me on top of her for a handjob afterwords she promptly got up to get to her actual addiction - coffee.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

RobQ said:


> I get obligation sex every Saturday morning. Last Saturday morning she pulled me on top of her for a handjob afterwords she promptly got up to get to her actual addiction - coffee.


Does her attitude in these instances convey that it is obligatory sex?

I guess I am trying to get a full picture as to whether she is actually relying on the books as a replacement of her needs...or if she is just being avoidant concerning sex. Irregardless, I know it must feel lousy to feel like you have to compete with her reading time.

At the same time, if wife senses or feels that you are hovering, waiting for a sexual crumb to fall from the mistress' table, then you have already lost the game.

I don't at all suggest you respond by drying up on kindness or being passive aggressive...but perhaps if you pull back and start reactivating her attraction for you, by making sure your world isn't encircling hers. Start coming up with plans, events, escapes...keep her guessing about what you are up to and what you are planning. I am sure you have a very established way of relating to each other, so I would suggest shaking that tree a little bit...and that may get her attention.

I know this may sound awful...so others please let me know of this is out of line...but adding to the mystery by updating your looks, wardrobe, working out, building your confidence level...may at some level appeal to her competitive nature that other women could be trying to vie for your attention. I am not at all suggesting adding potent anxiety to the marriage, but I suggest adding a wisp of change could trigger slight insecurity over her perceived edge in the relationship...and may have her looking at you differently. And for the love of all that is holy, I am not at all going to suggest you threaten that you'll your love elsewhere!!! Just make changes to get her guessing and challenged.

It is also worthy to take note if she, getting older, finds herself as attractive still...that may have a huge effect on her libido, not to mention biological changes. It would be a sucky feeling to know that sex is seen as a duty to her at this point, so just pull the carpet out from under the situation...letting it be known that pity-f***s are unacceptable and then go work on yourself. Look up the works of Athol Kay...as a lot of people recommend it in these types of situations.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RobQ said:


> My wife has always been and avid reader. I am sure she get's through two and sometimes more per week. When our kids were little I would take them to the library and one of my tasks was to get some books for her as well. I learned her tastes in books fairly well which leaned toward popular fiction and romance. She also once told me that she preferred female authors.
> 
> Well the kids are grown and out of house now and I haven't been her book chooser for many years. To be honest I haven't really paid much attention to her books other than seeing them around the house and knowing she shares them with some of her gal pals. About a year ago the topic of cork screws came up (for some reason) and she casually mentioned that in the book she is reading somebody was killed with a cork screw. Well that peaked my curiosity and I started reading the book (I forget the title and author) and was shocked by the rape and violence in the book. Since then I have been paying attention and this genre (crime?)seems to dominate her reading.
> 
> ...


Yes. You are wrong to be bothered by it. IMO.


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## RobQ (Mar 1, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> Does her attitude in these instances convey that it is obligatory sex?


I think so. At least half the time there is no kissing, touching, the project is to get me off so she can get on her way. If I sound resentful about it, well I am. 



> I guess I am trying to get a full picture as to whether she is actually relying on the books as a replacement of her needs...or if she is just being avoidant concerning sex. Irregardless, I know it must feel lousy to feel like you have to compete with her reading time.


I think she just doesn't like or need sex all that much. She loves reading, no doubt about it. I don't think her reading is a replacement for her emotional or physical needs - she simply enjoys it more than any other activity.




> I don't at all suggest you respond by drying up on kindness or being passive aggressive...but perhaps if you pull back and start reactivating her attraction for you, by making sure your world isn't encircling hers. Start coming up with plans, events, escapes...keep her guessing about what you are up to and what you are planning. I am sure you have a very established way of relating to each other, so I would suggest shaking that tree a little bit...and that may get her attention.


 Good ideas here!



> dI know this may sound awful...so others please let me know of this is out of line...but adding to the mystery by updating your looks, wardrobe, working out, building your confidence level...may at some level appeal to her competitive nature that other women could be trying to vie for your attention. I am not at all suggesting adding potent anxiety to the marriage, but I suggest adding a wisp of change could trigger slight insecurity over her perceived edge in the relationship...and may have her looking at you differently. And for the love of all that is holy, I am not at all going to suggest you threaten that you'll your love elsewhere!!! Just make changes to get her guessing and challenged.


 I am doing just that. I was 6-2 240#, not obese but certainly overweight. I have lost 30# since December on my way to <200. This has allowed me to get some more stylish clothes and I do think I look better. Found a better hair stylist and am using product! I even dumped my old colognes for a new expensive one. 



> It is also worthy to take note if she, getting older, finds herself as attractive still...that may have a huge effect on her libido, not to mention biological changes. It would be a sucky feeling to know that sex is seen as a duty to her at this point, so just pull the carpet out from under the situation...letting it be known that pity-f***s are unacceptable and then go work on yourself. Look up the works of Athol Kay...as a lot of people recommend it in these types of situations.


She remains very attractive and youthful looking. I think you are right - no more pity f***s! Starting......now!!

will keep you updated. Thanks again.


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