# I don't want to have sex with my husband anymore



## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

I've been struggling with wanting to have sex with my husband for going on 3 yrs now.

We've been married for 6yrs and have 2 small kids

When he wants sex, he just goes for it. And it's usually in the middle of the night when I'm asleep. There is no warming up to the event- just go.

He stopped caring to excite me. He also hasn't worked in nearly a year, gained about 50lbs and does not take care of themself ( brushing teeth, cutting his hair or shaving) 

I basically work and take care of the house and kids...I have no energy or interest in making love at all.

He knows he needs to lose weight and better himself but he isn't motivated.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It is difficult to have desire for a man who you don't respect. 

I just read your other thread, I am sorry for your situation. 

A man who is not clean or organized is just not appealing.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Eeeew he sounds gross. Move him out. Tell him to come back when he's got it together and cares about you wanting him and your needs too.


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## AniversaryFight (Mar 7, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Eeeew he sounds gross. Move him out. Tell him to come back when he's got it together and cares about you wanting him and your needs too.


hahahaaa, some men invites rejection by force 

He might be depressed. Get him some help to couselor.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If his current standard of hygiene is wildly beneath his former standards, there's a reason. People don't generally stop caring for themselves without an explanation. Could be he's suffering from depression. Same thing goes for his approach to sex. If he always just "went for it" in the middle of the night, then this is the guy you married. If this is a departure from his normal modus operandi, there's a reason. Could be he hits you up for sex when you're at your weakest and most vulnerable because he fears or knows that approaching you at other times won't work. The fact that you say you have no interest in sex makes me suspect this may be the case. A huge part of a man's motivation stems from sex, so if he's been systematically rejected, he might feel there's little reason to make himself attractive. 
I think the solution is to change this cycle. Toss him a bone. Before going to bed, smooch on him a little, tell him if he hops in the shower and brushes, he's gonna get something great and then follow through. Reward the behavior you want. When he wakes you for sex, tell him you're not a machine and go back to sleep. Don't reward undesirable behavior. Sane people don't persist in a course of conduct without receiving some pay-off.


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## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

depression plays a big part in it. He used to care for himself when he worked. I have begged him to get a job and explained that I think it would help his depression. But he just flat out tells me no.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> It is difficult to have desire for a man who you don't respect.


greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter. 

To the OP, it sounds like he might be suffering from some kind of depression, with being out of work and not taking care of himself etc. Of course obviously not to depressed to not want to have sex. Anyway, his emotions and motivation seem to be off, have you asked him to see a counselor?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you pay the bills and control your accounts, you could tell him that because of finances, you have to cut back on some expenses... Like high speed internet and cable TV...

You've got three different threads, all kind of related, but different pieces of information in each one. You might get more informed information by combining them together. Not complaining, just trying to help. Has he actually moved out, or not?

I don't know what the best way to help someone with their depression, and it seems that's what's hitting your husband. Have you told him that you've lost attraction for him? Do you still have sex with him anyway?

C


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## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

trey69 said:


> greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.
> 
> To the OP, it sounds like he might be suffering from some kind of depression, with being out of work and not taking care of himself etc. Of course obviously not to depressed to not want to have sex. Anyway, his emotions and motivation seem to be off, have you asked him to see a counselor?


Getting any help costs money and thats something we don't have. We have used everything we have to keep our heads above water and we've run out. I can't find free counseling. It's all 120+ for 50 mintue sessions. I'm desperate...we need it


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## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> If you pay the bills and control your accounts, you could tell him that because of finances, you have to cut back on some expenses... Like high speed internet and cable TV...
> 
> You've got three different threads, all kind of related, but different pieces of information in each one. You might get more informed information by combining them together. Not complaining, just trying to help. Has he actually moved out, or not?
> 
> ...


I have told him that hes depressed and not taking care of himself, that I'm losing attraction and he just takes it and does nothing to help himself. He moved out angry at me. He says he can't live with someone that doesn't respect him. 

But he's not really giving me anything to respect.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Does insurance not cover some of the costs for it? 

Anyway, he will first need to acknowledge theres a problem and want to get help anyway. Until then, theres not much you can do.

He is telling you he doesn't want to live with someone who doesn't respect him, basically means he doesn't respect himself. He is going to throw stuff off on you, because he doesn't see where he is at fault for anything right now. That's usually the way it works for someone who doesn't want to get help or doesn't see there is a problem.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ashe said:


> I have told him that hes depressed and not taking care of himself, that I'm losing attraction and he just takes it and does nothing to help himself. He moved out angry at me. He says he can't live with someone that doesn't respect him.
> 
> But he's not really giving me anything to respect.


I can't argue with you on that (that he's not giving you anything to respect). So how is he supporting himself if he's moved out and doesn't have a job? I know this is off topic for the "Sex In Marriage" forum, but I'd likely let him deal with things on his own, and you concentrate on yourself and the kids. Let him realize that he needs to make some changes, as he's the only one that can decide to change himself.

C


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

trey69 said:


> greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> So let's start a thread related to the reasons why women lose their respect towards their men!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> trey69 said:
> 
> 
> > greenpearl, this is a excellent way to look at things, and I wonder if that might be a big part of the reason why some people do not want to have sex with their partner. Lack of respect. It actually would make a great thread starter.
> ...


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## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

trey69 said:


> Does insurance not cover some of the costs for it?
> 
> Anyway, he will first need to acknowledge theres a problem and want to get help anyway. Until then, theres not much you can do.
> 
> He is telling you he doesn't want to live with someone who doesn't respect him, basically means he doesn't respect himself. He is going to throw stuff off on you, because he doesn't see where he is at fault for anything right now. That's usually the way it works for someone who doesn't want to get help or doesn't see there is a problem.


My job is part time, doesn't offer insurance. When he lost his job he lost the families insurance.


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## Ashe (Apr 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> I can't argue with you on that (that he's not giving you anything to respect). So how is he supporting himself if he's moved out and doesn't have a job? I know this is off topic for the "Sex In Marriage" forum, but I'd likely let him deal with things on his own, and you concentrate on yourself and the kids. Let him realize that he needs to make some changes, as he's the only one that can decide to change himself.
> 
> C


I believe he went to his parents house. I have tried to explain how I feel to him but he won't listen. He won't talk to me anymore. I have text him 4 long texts further explaining, maybe more in his language, his phone is turned off. I can do nothing but sit and wait i guess. He has left me with no money (he took all thats in the bank account) i will have to ask my parents for money to get to work until my next payday.


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## Tool (Feb 14, 2011)

I could see myself turning into your husband if my Wife didnt want sex for 3 years..


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

he took all the money in the bank account? I'm assuming this is a joint bank account, if so you have just as much right to that money as he does, he needs to be held accountable for his actions.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Ashe said:


> My job is part time, doesn't offer insurance. When he lost his job he lost the families insurance.


Ahh ok I understand.


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

Tool: Looks like sort of missed the point. Would you want to have sex with your wife if she gained 50lbs is depressed, stopped brushing her teeth and taking care of other basic hygeine issues?

To OP: There are free couseling options in just about any city. You just need to look a little harder. I'd suggest even if your husband doesent want to go that you avail yourself of these services. They may help you help him.

About 3 years ago my wife very directly told me that the reason she did not want to have sex with me was that I had gotten fat. My being fat also led me to be a bit depressed and I withdrew from life quite a bit. All a big turn off for a woman. She said flat out that she would not stay married to me if I did not care about how this was affecting OUR LIVES. She made me understand that I was harming our marriagen, in a very selfish way, by not being the active/athletic person that she married. We had stopped doing all the fun things that we both loved but I was either too out of shape to do or to embarrased to do. It was like a slap in the face........And I thank the stars that she did it. We got into counseling,straightend some things out and I got off my butt. We saved our marriage and she saved my life.

I give my example because (forgive me my fellow men) ...........sometimes we need a very direct approach to "get it". Oh and your H is trying to have a pity party with the "I cant be with someone who does not respect me" crap. How the hell can he be with himself then. Sounds to me that the one that disrespects him the most is himself. 

I think you just need to grab him by the shoulders,look into his eyes,and tell him Time to get ourselves some help bubba. Then tell him how excited you are to get the process started to get your man back. I think he may just thank you sooner that later.

JMHO


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I realize your post wasn't directed to me, but I hope you don't mind my two cents. If my wife gained 50 lbs (which she has), or let her appearance slip, I'd still have regular sex with her whether I absolutely felt like it or not. I'm her husband. I didn't sign on to be her husband only on the days I naturally felt like it.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I realize your post wasn't directed to me, but I hope you don't mind my two cents. If my wife gained 50 lbs (which she has), or let her appearance slip, I'd still have regular sex with her whether I absolutely felt like it or not. I'm her husband. I didn't sign on to be her husband only on the days I naturally felt like it.


You'd still have sex with her if she stopped brushing her teeth, had a bush the size of texas, leg hair longer than yours and an armpit full of curly Qs? 

It's odd to me that some want this to be her issue. Even though she's not attracted to this man who doesn't care about her pleasure, she's still supposed to spread her legs and be a good wife? Sure, she was born with a vagina. That does NOT mean her sexual needs are less than his. In addition to his lack of grooming, the man refuses to get a job. She essentially has a grown child. Would you want to have sex with a grown child!?!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Tool said:


> I could see myself turning into your husband if my Wife didnt want sex for 3 years..


You're kidding right? Gaining 50 lbs in 3 years, not brushing his teeth or bathing in a week and practically raping her in her sleep? He sounds like a real catch. 
It never fails to amaze me reading that when a woman gains that much weight she is repulsive and to be brought to a gym but when a man does it, a woman is supposed to fall in to his sweaty sack. Wow.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> You'd still have sex with her if she stopped brushing her teeth, had a bush the size of texas, leg hair longer than yours and an armpit full of curly Qs?


No. No Werewolves No Wookies. And allow me to add I held my wife's bald head over the toilet while she threw up from chemotherapy. I bathed her. I helped her go to the bathroom. Im not squeamish. But, get your **** together, please.


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