# Wife texting/deleting texts with old H.S. friend from another country



## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

For past year and half, our marriage has been quite up and down. It has its good moments and pretty bad ones to. Gonna be honest, and will start from the beginning. I'm in IT work and have been mostly a contractor, so moved around quite a bit. And after we had our first child, wife had stayed home with my parents (didnt want our baby moving around that much) and I was staying mostly by myself. Well the worse happened, about 2 years ago I did end up having a one night stand when i was living alone. And she found out. I still regret it to this day and have been trying everything I can to make up for it. Well we have moved out from my parents place in Houston and now are staying in Austin. She's been with me the whole time, and past year, our relationship was mostly non existent. I worked really late hours with an offshore team, and she would spend most nights in the other room texting (at the time I didn't know who she was talking to or didnt mind). But after a recent trip to India, I really started seeing some changes in her. While there we stayed with her parents (he sister's wedding) and every night she wouldnt even come into our room, either in the other rooms talking late into the night with her parents, but once i found her all by herself texting on the phone (didnt know who at the time). She never came in our room, and finally fell asleep late into the night around 3AM, I found her like that and was able to get her phone, and saw most of the conversation had been deleted, but saw the name. When we got back to the states, the texting cont' and found out that after I left for work in the morning she would have phone calls to with this person (who was actually and old guy friend from her High School). He used to have a crush on her and she wont admit it but I think she did to. So texting and calling would cont and she would delete the history or any proof. and i finally confronted her. it was pretty heated, and she kept claiming it was nothing, and that there conversations were mostly friendly, tad flirty, but would mostly talk about old times, and each other families (he's married with 2 kids).
But i asked her why were you deleting your texts, she really didnt have an answer, and threw in my face "so you want me to stop talking to him" I knew she was using the guilt trip game. I didnt want her to ever use the excuse that I controlled who she could/couldnt talk to. She said she would stop deleting, but again that was a lie because she stopped for a bit but caught her doing it again. And just last night saw her deleting parts of her chat. 
I believe she thinks she's not doing anything wrong. One time she asked me "what you think I'm gonna divorce you and marry him" I know that physically wouldnt really happen. but part of me believes she regrets her choice in marriage, maybe she wanted him or thinks what her life would be if she married him instead. And what really upsets me, is the amt of time she's on the phone either with this guy or in a group chat with him in it to. We'll be sitting watching tv or in our room, and she would be on the phone texting. from morning till late night. so we have no conversations, no physical intimacy, I've altogether stopped touching/hugging her cuz i would just get hand slaps or stop its, and she makes no effort in being romantic in and outta bed. I feel our relationship is being "deleted". Not sure what to do. Talking with her would just stop the lies or hiding for a bit, but I know she'll end up doing it again.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

After seeing a few wall-o-texts in a row I'm just gonna break into paragraphs myself. You'll get more reads that way.



austinguy31 said:


> For past year and half, our marriage has been quite up and down. It has its good moments and pretty bad ones to. Gonna be honest, and will start from the beginning.


[I'm gonna lose these italics too...continuing]

I'm in IT work and have been mostly a contractor, so moved around quite a bit. And after we had our first child, wife had stayed home with my parents (didnt want our baby moving around that much) and I was staying mostly by myself. Well the worse happened, about 2 years ago I did end up having a one night stand when i was living alone. And she found out. I still regret it to this day and have been trying everything I can to make up for it. 


Well we have moved out from my parents place in Houston and now are staying in Austin. She's been with me the whole time, and past year, our relationship was mostly non existent. I worked really late hours with an offshore team, and she would spend most nights in the other room texting (at the time I didn't know who she was talking to or didnt mind). But after a recent trip to India, I really started seeing some changes in her. 


While there we stayed with her parents (he sister's wedding) and every night she wouldnt even come into our room, either in the other rooms talking late into the night with her parents, but once i found her all by herself texting on the phone (didnt know who at the time). She never came in our room, and finally fell asleep late into the night around 3AM, I found her like that and was able to get her phone, and saw most of the conversation had been deleted, but saw the name. 


When we got back to the states, the texting cont' and found out that after I left for work in the morning she would have phone calls to with this person (who was actually and old guy friend from her High School). He used to have a crush on her and she wont admit it but I think she did to. So texting and calling would cont and she would delete the history or any proof. and i finally confronted her. it was pretty heated, and she kept claiming it was nothing, and that there conversations were mostly friendly, tad flirty, but would mostly talk about old times, and each other families (he's married with 2 kids).


But i asked her why were you deleting your texts, she really didnt have an answer, and threw in my face "so you want me to stop talking to him" I knew she was using the guilt trip game. I didnt want her to ever use the excuse that I controlled who she could/couldnt talk to. She said she would stop deleting, but again that was a lie because she stopped for a bit but caught her doing it again. And just last night saw her deleting parts of her chat. 


I believe she thinks she's not doing anything wrong. One time she asked me "what you think I'm gonna divorce you and marry him" I know that physically wouldnt really happen. but part of me believes she regrets her choice in marriage, maybe she wanted him or thinks what her life would be if she married him instead. 


And what really upsets me, is the amt of time she's on the phone either with this guy or in a group chat with him in it to. We'll be sitting watching tv or in our room, and she would be on the phone texting. from morning till late night. so we have no conversations, no physical intimacy, I've altogether stopped touching/hugging her cuz i would just get hand slaps or stop its, and she makes no effort in being romantic in and outta bed. 


I feel our relationship is being "deleted". Not sure what to do. Talking with her would just stop the lies or hiding for a bit, but I know she'll end up doing it again.
[END QUOTE]

*Says a lot that she apparently isn't worried that you might divorce her.*


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

It certainly makes it a lot more uncomfortable to insist on reasonable marital boundaries when you've lost the moral high ground; doesn't it? Which of course you have.

Never the less; she agreed to stay married, so you shouldn't just roll over and accept this.

When she asked you if you wanted her to stop talking to this guy, your answer should have been a clear and confident *YES*.

When she asked you if you thought she was going to divorce you and marry this guy, you could have told her - "Probably not, but that doesn't mean I will accept your total disrespect of me." 

Have a sit down with her; tell her you love her, admit and apologize for your past mistake again, and remind her that she agreed to stay with you and (I assume) work on the marriage with you together. Tell her you can't control what she does, but you can control what you accept from her.

But here's the kicker. If she doesn't agree to stop, she has to believe that you are willing to divorce her. She will believe that only if you *are*. That's what "not accepting" her disrespect to you, means. Otherwise you might as well let her continue to text away and slowly but surely, check out of your marriage.

Good luck.


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## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

Hey Phil,
Thanks for editing, I tend to go on & on and end up writing a novel. I don't want to divorce her, we do have a lovely daughter, and I know sometimes couples stay together for the kids, and to divorce it would have to be to the point where both completely had nothing for each other. I know I will eventually confront her about this, b/c right now I dont have any emotional feelings towards her, I still care about her. if she's in any need or sick or whatever, I'm there for her. But seems with each action, its pushing us apart.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Talk to this guy's wife and ask her if she is comfortable with them talking.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Insist that she stop texting this guy. If she felt the need to delete what they say to each other, that's enough of a red flag to warrant going no contact. She is investing herself emotionally in him, and although she won't admit it, it takes away from your relationship with her. 

And speaking of your relationship with her, it sounds like that needs lots of work. Do you still travel a lot or spend much time away? If so, it's going to be a strain. Did you really work through why you had the one night stand? What steps have you taken to ensure it will never happen again? Not just what you told her, or what you have done to prove it to her. But what are you doing for yourself? How do you feel about your affair and why it happened? You have to hold yourself to an ethical standard that doesn't allow you to cheat, even when you are pissed at her, or feeling disconnected.

If she brings up your affair, ask her if that is something you need to revisit to work through. But make it clear that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Some folks think you can restore the balance of power if the BS has a revenge affair. I don't believe that myself. Perhaps there is a balance there, but its a balance that creates a wall that prevents a good emotional connection.


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## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Talk to this guy's wife and ask her if she is comfortable with them talking.


I dont think the guy's wife knows. This guy and his wife are in India, so I know they cant have a physical relationship, but from what I've heard and read about this guy and his group of friends, they all are kinda shady in that they hook up with call girls on weekends.

I could send a his wife a message on facebook, but not sure what kind of mess it would stir.


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## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Insist that she stop texting this guy. If she felt the need to delete what they say to each other, that's enough of a red flag to warrant going no contact. She is investing herself emotionally in him, and although she won't admit it, it takes away from your relationship with her.
> 
> And speaking of your relationship with her, it sounds like that needs lots of work. Do you still travel a lot or spend much time away? If so, it's going to be a strain. Did you really work through why you had the one night stand? What steps have you taken to ensure it will never happen again? Not just what you told her, or what you have done to prove it to her. But what are you doing for yourself? How do you feel about your affair and why it happened? You have to hold yourself to an ethical standard that doesn't allow you to cheat, even when you are pissed at her, or feeling disconnected.
> 
> If she brings up your affair, ask her if that is something you need to revisit to work through. But make it clear that 2 wrongs don't make a right. Some folks think you can restore the balance of power if the BS has a revenge affair. I don't believe that myself. Perhaps there is a balance there, but its a balance that creates a wall that prevents a good emotional connection.


No I dont travel anymore or work late nights at home. Thanks for your advice, really gave me some things to think about. When we came back from our trip and I asked about this guy, I would tease her about them being together (kinda to see what reaction I would get) and so one night she did get upset, and she tried to bring up my past mistake and compare what i did with what she's doing. The conversation didnt get far, guess she didnt wanna talk and rolled over in bed.

Few months back, I was able to read her texts *live *on my computer while she was in bed texting. And saw him asking her:
"Am I still in your heart" to which she really didnt reply yes or no and deleted the conversation. It started with her saying sorry to him about some argument they had. So yes I would agree she is emotionally invested in him.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Contact his W and inform her of his actions.

Start with "Am I still in your heart" 

His W will be very receptive..... bet the farm.

If they do have a chance to meet.... you should STOP having sex with her.... until she gets an STD test

If he does..... meet call girls, there's no telling what he has.... and if your W gets with him, she will have too


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

austinguy31 said:


> For past year and half, our marriage has been quite up and down. It has its good moments and pretty bad ones to.
> 
> Gonna be honest, and will start from the beginning. I'm in IT work and have been mostly a contractor, so moved around quite a bit. And after we had our first child, wife had stayed home with my parents (didnt want our baby moving around that much) and I was staying mostly by myself. Well the worse happened, about 2 years ago I did end up having a one night stand when i was living alone. And she found out.
> 
> ...


austinguy,

The problem you face is that the two of you have not resolved how to deal with your ONS. You are sorry for what you did but, gathering from what you've told us, haven't done much to help her get past it. She has not left you (yet), but also hasn't forgiven you and probably hasn't even begun to get over what you did.

So, you and your wife are in a holding pattern in which she is resentful of you and exploring her extramarital options and you are regretful and therefore afraid to confront her.

If left like this, your marriage is doomed. She will eventually find a romantic interest who isn't half a world away or you will eventually get fed up with her attitude and leave her. So, if you want to try to keep your family together, it behooves you to do something now rather than allowing the problem to fester.

Here's my advice:

As badmemory suggested, talk to your wife, tell her you love her, apologize again for cheating and offer to do whatever is necessary to help her recover and regain trust in you.

But then say that you are not willing to remain indefinitely in a bad marriage that has no hope of being fixed and that therefore you need to know if she wants to try to reconcile or not and, if she does, that she is willing to do the right things, including to stop communicating with other men and to got to marriage counseling with you.

If she refuses to break things off with the other guy or says she will but then doesn't, I recommend you start to disengage from her by employing the so-called "180." (Here's a link that explains it: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-can-move-after-his-affair-2.html#post1653918.) This will accomplish two things: (1) it will send her the message that there is a limit to how long you will tolerate what she is doing, but in a way that leaves open the possibility of reconciling if she finally stops communicating with the other man; and (2) it allows you to become more detached from her so that, if and when you conclude that she is not going to stop it, you are emotionally prepared to file for divorce.

I hope it doesn't come to this and that your wife agrees to give her marriage another chance. However, we have a saying on TAM/CWI that bears remembering:



> Sometimes, in order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.


Good luck.


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## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

Thank you all for your suggestions. Keep you posted


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Time to man up and put a stop to this nonsense. She is having an emotional affair. You have rugswept this issue. ALready she shows no signs of intimacy with you and rejects your advances.

Either she smartens up or you leave her.

Give her that choice but enforce the consequences.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

She forgave your ONS or did she?

Maybe she did, until she found a bone to rub up against.......


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chuck71 said:


> She forgave your ONS or did she?
> 
> Maybe she did, until she found a bone to rub up against.......


Unless she believes that you have done more than a ONS?

You need counselling to help you both get yourselves together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## austinguy31 (Oct 5, 2015)

The chances of them meeting is not possible. Since they live 1000s of miles apart. I do plan to talk to her about all this, since its been going on since Jan of this year. I know nothing physical has happened , but I've read that Emotional affairs hurt just as more. My ONS meant nothing, but some say EAs can hurt more since its like connecting with the OM on another level. In the mind/heart, and if goes on long enough could get physical? She claimed he's just a friend, and could just be one, but deleting the texts, hiding him from me, saying she'll stop talking to him only to be invited to their group chats (and says its not him but the others friends inviting her, so its not fully stopped. Am I right to be suspicious, is her actions justified? She only told me lil about him after I saw his name for incoming texts and then gone the next day. I might have broken their chemistry a lil bit, but cant imagine if I never knew about this guy, where things would have led to. He called her in the beginning after I would leave for the office, and he would txt her first to make sure I was gone. If he lived in the same city, I'm sure he would see her when I wasnt around.

But now I ask you TAM, how to deal with this EA. Some of you said I should have told her "YES I dont want you to talk to him again". If I tell her this and down the road i find out they've talked again, then what? Does that prove what I've been feeling - that he has more value in her life than me? I was planning to try this - talk with her about the whole situation, tell her to have a conversation with him thru texts (whatsapp) in front of me, and go all out flirt with him, tell him that I'm a lousy husband and she doesnt want me anymore. And that she wants him. And then see what his response is? If he's willing to leave his wife of 8+ yrs and two kids for my wife, then she'll know that he's not just a friend and wanted more all this time. I'm hoping her feeling are truely still for me, and will open her eyes as to what could have happened.

Thats just my hope how this plan would play out. But then again, whats to say she wont just text him the next day when I'm at work, and let the OM know it was just a trap, that I was watching the whole conversation. I cant watch her 24 hours, I could put some spy program on her phone, but there will always be some kind of method around that or other types of communications. Little bit at a lost here what to do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I seriously doubt this guy will leave his family for your W. 

If you do not approve of her doing this, ask her to stop. Attach an app to see if she complies.

If you see yourself as a lousy H and she no longer desires you, start the D papers.

If both of you think it can be saved, seek MC.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yeah, she's in a fog where she just can't see that what she is doing is wrong, and will automatically interpret your objection to it as an effort to control her. This means she really has no respect for you at all and is purely focused on her self-centered interests and her own unique definition of what is wrong/right.

I think all you can do is give her one last chance, explain that her behavior is unacceptable, explain what it is doing/has done to the marriage, and that she now has a choice of whether to end the behavior or move out. If she refuses to stop, or refuses to move out, then I would suggest filing for divorce and see if that wakes her up or not.

She continues these behaviors because she thinks she can get away with it and doesn't respect you enough to care how you feel about it. You've got to show her that it's not about controlling her at all, if she isn't willing to change her behavior, then you don't want her anymore anyway.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

austinguy31 said:


> But now I ask you TAM, how to deal with this EA. Some of you said I should have told her "YES I dont want you to talk to him again". If I tell her this and down the road i find out they've talked again, then what? *Does that prove what I've been feeling - that he has more value in her life than me?*


The answer would be one of two things: either she values him more than being married to you, or she doesn't believe you have the guts to leave her. Probably both.

In regards to putting her up to testing the OM; that's just a horrible idea. It's makes you look incredibly weak in her eyes. What happens if he passes the test; she gets to continue to text him? Her stopping shouldn't be negotiable to you.

The bottom line is that she's likely having an EA with this guy; and even if she isn't, she's crossing a marital boundary that will lead to one. It doesn't matter how far away he is. She's profoundly disrespecting you. What are you going to do about it?


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

austinguy31 said:


> Hey Phil,
> I don't want to divorce her, we do have a lovely daughter, and I know sometimes couples stay together for the kids, and to divorce it would have to be to the point where both completely had nothing for each other.


How your lovely daughter learned how to walk ?

Did you teached her, or she learned by herself ?

How your lovely daughter learned how to speak ?

Now, how your lovely daughter will learn what is a functional relationship if your wife doesn't respect your feelings, and you let her walk over you ?


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## mrtickle (Jan 29, 2013)

You keep saying that there is zero chance they would ever meet up in real life due to the distance, but really? How much does a return flight to India cost? Or a flight to another country to meet up?

The world is tiny and assuming that an emotional affair could not progress to a physical one due to distance is just plain incorrect and a dangerous assumption to make. 

Kill the issue now. No more contact or it's over - and you will tell his wife.

(I have been the one guilty of making incorrect assumptions in the past, so believe me!)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You calmly tell your wife 'You're having an emotional affair. You're giving him all of your attention, all your thoughts, and all your energy. You know it's wrong because you are married and that's why you delete the messages. But I can see the records; I know you spend hours and hours every day talking to him. So it comes down to this: If you want him so badly, go. Our daughter stays with me, but you're free to go try to pry your lover away from his wife. But if you stay with me, you will have to end ALL CONTACT with him. For good. I'm willing to put 200% effort into reconnecting with you, to make up for my ONS and for all the other areas where I've let our marriage slide, to see if we can stay married. But I won't do it as long as HE is in the middle of our marriage. Choose now."

And if she refuses to give him up, THEN you find his wife's contact information (not FB), and you call her and tell her.

And if that still doesn't end it, you call her parents and siblings and tell them what's happened. Then you step back and see how it all ends up. Stir up trouble? You bet. That's the whole point. She won't give him up, the feel-good she gets from him (look up PEA chemicals and affairs) until keeping him becomes too painful.


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