# Issues between my wife and my parents



## SDK8489 (Dec 16, 2015)

I want to apologize for the long post ahead of time, but I really wanted to get across all of the details so that everyone can see the whole picture.

My Wife and I have been married a little over a year now and were together 6 years prior to that. Within those 7 years, my Mom has had her issues with alcoholism. She would go months of being completely sober and then a few weeks to month at a time revert back to drinking heavily. This affected my family very much but they would always revert back to trying to get things back to "normal" by just forgetting the outburst and trying to move on. 

The alcohol abuse was something that she knew about and had seen first hand. She was always supportive of me, but she never understood why my Dad dealt with the issue in the way he did instead of trying to make a change for his sake and for the rest of us. It is his wife after all. Deep down I felt the same way but i, admittedly, was so used to dealing with those things the same way they did that I kind of went with the flow. 

Fast forward to a month ago, my mom had one of her worst relapses ever. It got to the point where she ended up in the hospital and my dad was at our front door in tears and asking to live with us for a few months. My Wife was worried that if he moved in he would get too comfortable and not want to leave. I disagreed that he would want to stay forever, but she is my Wife and I took her side on it. My Dad was upset, but he said he does not blame me for it. 

A few weeks later and my Mom is "normal" again. The doctors put her on some depression medication and the same thing happened where my Dad has settled into being "happy" again. They invited us over for Thanksgiving and I asked my Wife about it. She immediately was against the idea and was surprised that I would even suggest it after all of the misery my Mom had put us through recently. She told me I could go over if I wanted but she didn't want anything to do with her. As a not-so-smart decision, I decided to go over there for a few hours in the morning and head home before it was time to head to my in-laws for dinner. Since my Wife seemed to be okay with this, I decided that I would stop by my parents house on my birthday. My Wife reacted to this by telling me that she is upset that I am just letting my Mom get away with and acting like nothing ever happened. I called my Dad and told him that I wouldn't be coming over on my birthday and that my Mom needed to be confronted about the issues that she was causing. My Dad was upset over this and told me that was not going to happen. This upset my Wife and i had the not-so great idea of taking my Wife over to my parents house, unannounced, with the hope of smoothing things over. When we got there my Wife said that my Mom owes everyone apologies for all of the grief that we have had to endure. My Dad started yelling at my Wife. I immediately told him to stop yelling at her and to get out of the room. Unfortunately, it was his house and he did not listen to me. He and my Mom both called her a spoiled brat and told her that they never liked her and that they didn't like her family. 

We left after that and she was heart broken. I told her I wasn't going to go see them on my birthday and surprisingly she told me that I had to go because, even though she was done with my family, she didn't want to take me away from them. I made another mistake by going. I am the type of person that wants to try and make peace but I do it to a fault. I looked at this opportunity as one where I could go over there and talk to them while they were calmed down. As soon as i got in the door my Dad said sorry and my Mom followed it up by saying that they didn't mean the things they said to her. The rest of the night went well.

When I saw my Wife next, I told her what they said and she said she didn't believe them and she felt they only said that stuff to keep their son from leaving them. I admittedly sided with my parents and said that I felt they were being genuine and that they tend to say hurtful things when they lose control of the temper. 

This caused us to bring up Christmas Eve since my parents host a small get together every year and just so happens to be the main point in my post here. My Wife wants me to skip the Christmas Eve get together to get the point across that I am still very upset with my parents and also so that her and I can have some time away from them since their situation has been the cause of 99% of the arguments that she and I have been getting into since we got married. She has told me that she will make peace with them in time but for now, shes very hurt and wants both of us away from them.

I know that marriage is about making your spouse a priority above all else, but is cutting off communication from my parents, especially around Christmas, the way to go about it or should I still try to get both sides to make peace before then?


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

I agree with your wife on this one. Not just because she's your wife & needs to come first, but also because your mother needs to feel the consequences of her actions as a motivator to get her to make real change (Al-Anon 101). 

I suggest you find some local Al-Anon meetings that you & your wife can attend together. It will be helpful for her to hear from others what it's like to live with an alcoholic & how it changes you. It will be helpful for you to learn how to stop being codependent & enforce boundaries with your family. The biggest thing I took away from going to Al-Anon was the need to take care of yourself first before worrying about how it affects the alcoholic. That's another reason I say go with your wife on this one. She's the one you will be spending the rest of your life with, so nurture that first as it will affect you much more directly.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

SDK8489 said:


> I want to apologize for the long post ahead of time, but I really wanted to get across all of the details so that everyone can see the whole picture.
> 
> My Wife and I have been married a little over a year now and were together 6 years prior to that. Within those 7 years, my Mom has had her issues with alcoholism. She would go months of being completely sober and then a few weeks to month at a time revert back to drinking heavily. This affected my family very much but they would always revert back to trying to get things back to "normal" by just forgetting the outburst and trying to move on.
> 
> ...


You can't "make" either side do anything.

It's time for you to form your own opinion and follow through. Your wife is stuck between a rock (your mom's abuse and issues) and a hard place (staying loyal to you, knowing you are her son). You need to decide if you've had enough of your mom's alcohol abuse or if you're going to continue to ignore it. Either way, your wife is probably waiting and hoping that you'll man up and make your choice. 

They're your parents, but they should not be bringing drama to YOUR relationship. They should be sorting their own issues, which is what adults do. 

No one's cracked down on your mom ever from the sounds of it, and you've just made your wife feel she has zero defense for her feelings. Nothing is quite as isolating. Your dad sounds like he's been living in the abuse too long to put his foot down.

I can only inject my own opinion, but I'd have cut off my mom ages ago if she flew into a drunken rage at my SO, or my dad for that matter. I'd call the cops, tell her rehab or she'll never see me again, and MEAN IT. What precisely does your mom do when she flies off the handle? 

Her self medicating/destructive path ruins what could otherwise be a good relationship with your wife, and your wife seems to be the only one trying to keep your marriage out of the Crazy. If I were her, and fed up, I'd seriously contemplate leaving. I've been through Crazy before while trying to maintain a relationship, and it was EXHAUSTING and a waste of time... never again would I do it.

So, my advice, as stinging as it may sound, is for you to make a big boy choice. Mom or wife. As long as your mom continues to be a threat to your wife you can't succeed at keeping both. If your mom goes through rehab and therapy for a length of time and improves, there is always hope to repair that relationship. Until then, your mom is off the hook, and you shouldn't expect your wife to do any holidays with your parents until she feels ready. That could be never.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You have to side with your wife. When you took vows you chose your wife over your family. Give your wife time to build up trust with your Mom. That means your Mom being sober and staying sober, maybe she will want to start visiting your family again then. Your family sounds like they enable your Mom. Your Dad needs to get tougher on this with her, like telling her if she starts drinking again he might think about starting his own life without her and that doesn't mean living with you two. Meanwhile you can visit your family without your wife.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Satya said:


> You can't "make" either side do anything.
> 
> It's time for you to form your own opinion and follow through. Your wife is stuck between a rock (your mom's abuse and issues) and a hard place (staying loyal to you, knowing you are her son). You need to decide if you've had enough of your mom's alcohol abuse or if you're going to continue to ignore it. Either way, your wife is probably waiting and hoping that you'll man up and make your choice.
> 
> ...


^ ^ ^
THIS. EXACTLY.

Your mom needs to own her own crap. It's not fair for your wife to be dragged into the middle of it. You are the one who needs to set the boundaries.

If your mom has tried (and failed) at AA, tell her to try SMARTrecovery. It's a CBT-model approach to sobriety based on science, not a "higher power". She can participate in online meetings and they have some awesome tools for recovery. They have excellent tools and meetings for Friends & Family, so your dad would benefit as well.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

Your Mom and Dad crapped all over your wife telling her they didn't like her, called her a brat and slandered her family. 

And they apologize only to YOU and you think that's okay and you should forgive and pretend everything is fine after that????? 

I wouldn't accept that from my parents as that would kill any close relationship but my parents would never hurt my wife on purpose and if they did they would have to try a little harder and perhaps offer the apology to the one they hurt! 

Your Mom needs treatment and to face her issues. Your Dad needs Al-Anon and a spine and you need to support your wife in whatever she decides to do with her future relations with these messed up people. 

You can put on your blinders and visit because you are their son, but I would never expect my wife to forgive them for what they did as that was brutal. 

I also think your wife was wrong going in there demanding apologies or accountability because it should have been YOU doing all that stuff. 

YOU have dropped the ball big time. 

Sometimes you don't ignore problems. This is one of those times. 

Good luck.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your mama is toxic and you are all codependents. 

What you need to do is to side with your wife and let your parents know that what they did is unacceptable. That you will not tolerate them speaking to your wife like this and unless your mum gets help you will be staying away.

By not saying anything to your mum about her drinking, you are telling her you are ok with her behavior. That you find it acceptable.

Stop enabling your mother. 

When you have kids is this the environment you want them in. Until your mother gets help, stay away.


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## SDK8489 (Dec 16, 2015)

Thank you for your input everyone. Point of views, both critical and supportive, are welcome. I know that I am not innocent in all of this and I know I need to be more supportive of her and that she is right. I want to be better for her, she is an amazing person.




Happilymarried25 said:


> Meanwhile you can visit your family without your wife.


Part of my Wife's request is that I have no contact, for the foreseeable future, with my Mom or Dad. While I do agree with her that they were way out of line and that they should be held accountable, I wasn't sure if this was something that should be asked of another spouse or not? Is this too harsh of a request?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

SDK8489 said:


> Thank you for your input everyone. Point of views, both critical and supportive, are welcome. I know that I am not innocent in all of this and I know I need to be more supportive of her and that she is right. I want to be better for her, she is an amazing person.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


In this situation not at all. If your parents were "normal", it would not be right. But your parents are in a very toxic situation and you don't want that spilling over into your marriage. So for the sake of your marriage, stay away from them. You are trying to show them that their actions have consequences and that is, you will not be going over anymore. Until, they both get help.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to side with your wife! Your parents are irresponsible in that they are dragging your marriage down with their co-dependent relationship. They have and will continue to affect your marriage negatively. 

You need to grow up and let it be known to them that you have a family and that you don't want to poison your marriage. Do not let your father nor your mother move in with you. They will bring their problems with them into your house.

You need to establish your own traditions. Celebrate in your home. If guests misbehave, you can ask to them to take their problems elsewhere. You need to discipline your own parents and not put your own marriage into jeopardy.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

SDK8489 said:


> I decided that I would stop by my parents house on my birthday. My Wife reacted to this by telling me that she is upset that I am just letting my Mom get away with and acting like nothing ever happened. I called my Dad and told him that I wouldn't be coming over on my birthday and that my Mom needed to be confronted about the issues that she was causing. My Dad was upset over this and told me that was not going to happen. This upset my Wife and i had the not-so great idea of taking my Wife over to my parents house, unannounced, with the hope of smoothing things over. When we got there my Wife said that my Mom owes everyone apologies for all of the grief that we have had to endure. My Dad started yelling at my Wife. I immediately told him to stop yelling at her and to get out of the room. Unfortunately, it was his house and he did not listen to me. He and my Mom both called her a spoiled brat and told her that they never liked her and that they didn't like her family.


The problem is that your wife feels as though you are not defending her enough. That's why she says you're letting her mom 'get away with it'. I think you should not expect her to ever see them again or let them into your home unless they apologize. This being said, I don't think you should avoid seeing them because you'll start to feel resentful about it. However, you should limit your time and certainly not make them a priority over time spent with your wife.

I mean no disrespect but is it possible that your mother thrives on drama? My MIL, if she could get away with it, would have precisely this sort of behavior--causing rifts between people, acting like a victim, etc.-- in order to get as much attention as possible.

If this is the case, suggesting that she go to AA or other probably won't help...

I would also make it a point to tell your wife that you will insist that your mother apologize.


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## SDK8489 (Dec 16, 2015)

Omego said:


> The problem is that your wife feels as though you are not defending her enough. That's why she says you're letting her mom 'get away with it'. I think you should not expect her to ever see them again or let them into your home unless they apologize. This being said, I don't think you should avoid seeing them because you'll start to feel resentful about it. However, you should limit your time and certainly not make them a priority over time spent with your wife.
> 
> I mean no disrespect but is it possible that your mother thrives on drama? My MIL, if she could get away with it, would have precisely this sort of behavior--causing rifts between people, acting like a victim, etc.-- in order to get as much attention as possible.
> 
> ...



I agree that I should have done more to defend my Wife and I stand firm that they owe her an apology(plus some). As stated in an earlier post, my Wife does not want me contacting them at all for the foreseeable future. 

It very well could be that she is looking for drama. The thing about my Mom is that she is two VERY different people when she is sober or drunk. When she is sober, she is quiet as a mouse and wouldn't hurt a fly. She attends school online and always comes off as concerned for the well being of others. When she drinks, she gets extremely violent (she has never hit us but she throws stuff around. slams doors, etc.) and verbally abuses anyone that crosses her path. Usually the drunken tirades end with a trip to the emergency room and then she goes to a rehab center for a few weeks before coming back home and getting sober again. When she comes back home, everybody is overly optimistic that she will finally recover. 

My Wife does not want an apology. She just wants us to have time away from them to keep our marriage strong. That's what i'm going to do.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

SDK8489 said:


> I want to apologize for the long post ahead of time, but I really wanted to get across all of the details so that everyone can see the whole picture.
> 
> My Wife and I have been married a little over a year now and were together 6 years prior to that. Within those 7 years, my Mom has had her issues with alcoholism. She would go months of being completely sober and then a few weeks to month at a time revert back to drinking heavily. This affected my family very much but they would always revert back to trying to get things back to "normal" by just forgetting the outburst and trying to move on.
> 
> ...


Good on your Dad for yelling at the controlling person you married.
It's not enough she's got you under her thumb she wants to control other peoples' marriages too.

Sadly your Mum's episodes give her attention and control of her relationship.... and you have likewise bought into a controlling wife.

grow a pair.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Omego said:


> My MIL, if she could get away with it, would have precisely this sort of behavior--causing rifts between people, acting like a victim, etc.-- in order to get as much attention as possible.
> 
> ...
> 
> I would also make it a point to tell your wife that you will insist that your mother apologize.


My MIL is just like this. I've not seen them for months and will not ever see them again. MIL has insulted me on numerous occasions, but when she insulted my mum I was like whoa. That, and absolutely gobsmacked that not my husband, his father or his sister pulled her up for it. Absolutely astounded. This was in a restaurant and I insisted to my husband that we leave immediately. We did.

Earlier this year there was a falling out started by SIL. MIL refuses to acknowledge that SIL has any ownership whatsoever in this, or indeed herself. They insist that it was all me. MIL told my husband that until I apologise that I'm not allowed in their home. Works for me! Hehe :grin2:

I have requested that my husband not see his parents until this is resolved (obviously he'd have to organise to see them to do this). The reason for this is that every time he goes and spends time with them as though nothing has happened, it tells them that they can get away with their appalling behaviour, and it's a kick in the guts to me. I won't tolerate it. Nor would I EVER allow my family to treat my husband the way his treats me. NO WAY. He's my husband, he's my number one. Always.

I can completely understand how your wife is feeling, and I really hope that you man up and put her first.


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## GraceG676 (Dec 16, 2015)

SDK8489 said:


> I want to apologize for the long post ahead of time, but I really wanted to get across all of the details so that everyone can see the whole picture.
> 
> My Wife and I have been married a little over a year now and were together 6 years prior to that. Within those 7 years, my Mom has had her issues with alcoholism. She would go months of being completely sober and then a few weeks to month at a time revert back to drinking heavily. This affected my family very much but they would always revert back to trying to get things back to "normal" by just forgetting the outburst and trying to move on.
> 
> ...


I understand that your mom has a problem with alcohol but your mom needs you. And your dad even more because his dealing with a big problem. It was not okay for your mom to yell at your wife but the good thing you defended her because then that would be a problem on top of a problem you have. Christmas is a very important holiday and if you are going to go to your inlaws make the effort to go to your parents. Your wife should give them another chance but she should not get involve in your mom's problem she should support you. She met you with this problem and she should support you more now that you guys are married. Well that's what I think.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I've learned that being related does not make anyone family.... I've cut out several people I'm related to because they're a toxic cancer on my life. If you attack my wife and son you attack me. I'll drop you like a stone and never she'd a tear. 

Scott


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

The next time your mom goes on an alcoholic binge, don't let our Dad move in with you. He is weak and codependent, and he needs to feel the full weight of the life he has chosen, so he can make some new choices. You might tell him that in advance, so you don't feel guilty and give in the next time.

In this case your wife is not being unreasonable at all. Yes, she knew your mom had a drinking problem, however she probably thought you were independent and protective enough to not allow it to come into your marriage.

Your first priority is to stand at the gate and protect your turf/your marriage. Have you told your parents how you feel about the drinking and drama without sounding like you are conveying your wife's complaints? Your parents have to know that you are speaking as a man, with your own thoughts and opinions, and that YOU believe that what they have done for years by tolerating the drinking binges is unacceptable. You also have to tell them that you will not ever allow them to abuse your wife, nor will you listen to any criticism of her.

If you want your marriage to grow and strengthen, then you need to become one with your wife, and leave your parents.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

SDK8489 said:


> My Wife does not want an apology. She just wants us to have time away from them to keep our marriage strong. That's what i'm going to do.


I don't blame her. There are some things that you never say or do. If those things are said or done, trust is lost and possibly forever. With the history that your parents have, there is no point in trying to restore relationship with people who are so unhealthy to begin with. They have no history of being healthy, safe people and your wife realizes this.

You being used to this have not learned healthy boundaries. You are blessed that your wife has.

When children enter the picture, they will be sucked into the vortex, whether you like it or not. I had that happening with my father and his wife and had to completely remove my family from that situation. We completely cut off contact. I should have done it much sooner, but was trying to restore relationship. I now realize that it was all on me. They were really doing nothing to work on the issues that they were causing.

When someone is hurting you, it is on them to make radical changes to become safe and healthy. It is not on those who are already safe and healthy.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

A good son honors his parents.

A good husband honors his wife.

A good man has the foresight and strength of character to cover both these things, and not let conflicts occur between the two roles.

You are not honoring your parents by joining in dismissing the alcoholism and co dependency.

You are not honoring your wife by putting her in a position where your parents can verbally abuse her.

You are failing as a son, a husband, and a man. Actually, you're doing fine as the son your parents want you to be, but if you asked them, they'd probably express disappointment in you so, yeah, failure there too.

Now ordinarily, I'm an "honor your parents, get your spouse to deal with it," kind of guy, but normally, it's the spouse being unreasonable, not the parents being dysfunctional drug addicts like your Mom.

So I think that, given your particulars, the best thing to do is to tell Mom and Dad to go pound sand, download Evanescence's song "Call Me When You're Sober," and then don't actually take the call, because Mom isn't going to STAY sober, regardless.

In the mean time, tell your wife that you don't think it's a good idea to have any kind of relationship with your parents for awhile, and that you think she's awesome. 

Note that this last part is not the same as saying "I'll do whatever you ask me to, even ditch my parents," which is what your wife is wanting you to do.

Don't do that- that's following, and you intend to start LEADING.

Make it your decision for your own reasons on your own terms.

And then tell her you think she's awesome, in case she's not feeling that way.

Do that, and you'll stop failing in 2 out of 3 ways. That'll be a pretty good day's work, I think.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Your wife became your family once you married and your parents became extended relatives. Or did you fail to read the _Leave-and-Cleave_ memo?

You are *NOT* responsible for your parents' lives but you are responsible for the life you chose to create with your wife.

IamSomebody


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your wife was right to say no to your Dad living with you. If it's so bad for him there, he should deal with it properly, not avoid the issue by running to his children.

At the end of the day they are both adults; they are making their own choices in life and they have to deal with the consequences. They are not your children; stop treating them like children. If they want to be a*holes to your wife, fine, then they can deal with her not wanting to be around them. Your wife found your family situation to be intolerable. She wasn't born to it, she married into it. It's natural that she's not going to be able to brush things off like you do.

Imagine if you made an acquaintance with someone like your mother who periodically goes into alcohol induced rages and tells you they don't like you and never liked you, and don't like your family either; would you want to keep the acquaintance? Hell no. No sane person would. You're lucky she hasn't written them off for good. If you want to see them though, that's your prerogative. Unfortunately, you seem to try to drag her into it. Your wife doesn't have to be a part of your relationship with your parents.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This incident with how your parents responded to your wife is part of the control and manipulation found in families of addicts. It is a tactic. Once the damage has been done, they apologize, but there is always that feeling that if she speaks up again, they will attack her again. That is mean to keep her from voicing the truth and confronting the issue. It is not over when they apologize, because the apology is part of the tactic of control and manipulation.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think im going to be the odd (wo)man out here. You did well by not letting your dad move in with you. You shouldn't have forced the issue by going over to your parents house with your wife unannounced. That was a hot mess, and I don't blame your wife for being very upset about what happened over there.

However, she should not dictate to you not to see or talk to your parents. She can decide for herself to not see them. If I were her, I'd not interact with them either. 

My boyfriends dad is a real POS. Ill spare you the gory details. However, I would never dream of demanding him to cut all contact with his dad. That's his decision to make, not mine. I can decide, though, if I want to interact with him, and I don't. I can control what I do but I can't control my bf, nor would I want to. I will not inject myself into his FOO issues.

From your OP, it doesn't sound as though this is a huge problem for your marriage, unless you've left out more bad interactions between your parents and wife.

Frankly, I think your wife had some big balls to demand you stay away. Just because your family is not dealing with this issue the way your wife would, it doesn't mean shes allowed to make that huge demand of you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I know that marriage is about making your spouse a priority above all else, but is cutting off communication from my parents, especially around Christmas, the way to go about it or should I still try to get both sides to make peace before then?"

You need to stop trying to shove your parents down your wife's throat before she packs your bags and sends you home to mommy and daddy. The way you are behaving is typical for children of alcoholics. Get into Al-Anon and learn how to overcome the harm your parents have done to you.

I suspect the reason your daddy wanted to move in with you for several months is because he can't boil water. While his wife was drying out, your wife would be cooking his meals, doing his laundry and keeping house.


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