# help save my marriage



## Sayitisntso (Mar 25, 2010)

Three weeks ago my husband said he needed his own space. He loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. We have been married 30 years. Later he told me he thought he was in love with a co-worker. They have so much more in common and we haven't gotten along for the last 5 years. All we do is fight. They are just really good friends, and he doesn't know how she feels about him, but if she would leave her husband, he would be there. But in the mean time he considers her a friend and if she wants to go to lunch he wants to take her. Yet he is still at home, saying after I begged and pleaded to try to keep our marriage that ok, we can try. We will just have to go day by day. He said nothing physical has happened yet, he just really likes being with her.

In the mean time, we are trying to make it work. I am giving him attention. Suggesting doing things together which we do yet he is distant. Weekends are great because we are together the whole time, but during the week he again becomes distant. I am trying to be the best wife ever, trying to get some of that spark back in our lifes. This hit me out of the blue. We had just come back from vacation. Our sex life was -I thought-always great. Now it's like he there physically but not mentally all the time. I think right now it's just a emotional affair - him waiting on her - but I want to try to save the marriage. I need help - he says he just doesn't care one way or another - if I divorce him or not. She's just a friend, and if I say he can't be friends, he will just leave. I want to try and save the marriage, I figure time is on my side. Any suggestions? Feeling desperate!!!


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

Dear Say,
You aren't going to like what I am going to say....but then again ,there are things ppl here have said to me that I didn't care for at first (but knew it was the truth)...so here goes...

He has to end it with her. You won't be able to move forward so long as the *fantasy girl* is still in the picture.

I have been on both sides...and until you let go of the fantasy, you can't deal with reality. 

You deserve someone who loves you enough to walk away from an affair. Besides...you may be shocked...I was certain if I demanded my H quit talking to his EA, that he would leave, but quite the opposite happened. He cut ties to save our family and was happy to do it. Part of me thinks he just wanted me to demand our happiness.


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

I agree with Monday. He has to end all contact with her and end it NOW!!!

I would suggest getting the book Surviving an Affair. It talks about causes, how to handle affairs, and how to recover. There are two examples of affairs in the book. One very heavy, like mine, and one a little lighter, which is what yours sounds like. Not that an affair is ever light.


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## Sayitisntso (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks. He told me that he would try to work on our marriage. Yet I can't be with him all the time so who knows what he does when I'm at work. We are trying to reconnect but I don't think his heart is really into it. I think the big D is coming. I don't think he will be the one asking for it tho. It's like he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I keep asking myself if he is going thru a mid-life crisis since he does turn 50 here in a couple of months. Or if he really is in love with someone else. He says one thing but does another. I don't think he is really in love with her, she just makes him feel good about himself and he thinks he's in love. I'm trying to decide if I should inform her husband, yet I have no proof they are doing anything. I am so confused....I thought we had a great marriage and all of that has been shattered in a mere 3 weeks. I don't understand why he would go outside the marriage except he did say she said she was attracted to him. Why is he doing this to me? Where do I go from here? It would put me back ten years financially if I were to leave him. I'm tired of crying everyday and the roller coaster ride I am on.


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## Sayitisntso (Mar 25, 2010)

Thanks for the advice. The fallout is what scares me. I keep thinking if I take time to breath and not panic all the time, maybe things will get better. Right now I try to be there for him. But I'm not real sure if he wants me around since he said he needed his space but I feel desperation setting in when I'm not with him. I feel if we spend more time together he will see that I am someone special and that he really does love me. 

We started working on some remodeling projects in the house. Maybe if we spend some time together and I make it fun things will work out.

Still very confused. Wish I could get mad at him. All I feel is confused and betrayed and hopelessness.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

You received good advice - so I just want to make some clarifications - maybe simplify things for you, give you some hope, some solid ground to stand on...

First, your husband is having an emotional affair.

It is a dream - a fantasy. He has convinced himself that this Other Woman fills all his needs (unlike you) and that she is much more 'compatible' than you. He is asking for 'space' because the presence of a wife in this affair messes things up for him. He needs you to back off and let him continue being unfaithful. Pay no attention to this. What he REALLY needs is for his wife to be his wife.

Until this affair ends, NOTHING can be done to work on your marriage. This does not mean, however, that you cannot do things to show him what he would be missing, were he to leave you, were your marriage to end.

So be the Best Wife in the Whole World. (Note - this is a temporary step - it is not a permanent demand - no one can be expected to give endlessly to someone who doesn't want it). 

And go through this step by step. 

First step is to simply talk to him. Let him know that this affair must end in order for the marriage to work. He must end the affair and never have contact with this woman again. Very simple. Don't argue, plead, cry, whine, beg, command, yell, scream, whimper, or back down. Just make the STATEMENT and then move on.

How he responds will tell you what step you need to take NEXT.

If he agrees and says he wishes to work on the marriage, then you can move forward, learning what each others needs are, how you've both destroyed the love you had, etc. 

If he refuses (yells, denies, etc.) then you can move on to the next step - which is to EXPOSE the affair to those it affects the most. 

Note - give him a little time - say, 24 hours or so, to think over your STATEMENT - and then pay attention to his actions. It may take him a while to figure out things. But do NOT let it go too long - move RIGHT on to the next step.

If exposure does not end the affair, you have more steps to take.

Now - regarding this:



> Thanks for the advice. The fallout is what scares me. I keep thinking if I take time to breath and not panic all the time, maybe things will get better. Right now I try to be there for him. But I'm not real sure if he wants me around since he said he needed his space but I feel desperation setting in when I'm not with him. I feel if we spend more time together he will see that I am someone special and that he really does love me.


Re: fallout - Whats the worst that can happen? Marriage end? It will end if the affair does not. What GOOD could come of it? 

It's reasonable to feel fear - but keep this in mind:

You are not really THERE for him if you are ENABLING his affair. All you are doing is helping him become less respectable, less honorable, and less trustworthy. Is that ANYTHING a friend should EVER do for another friend? If you truly want to be there for him -represent your marriage to him. Be his WIFE - a WIFE does not allow Other Women to have their man. 

He says he wants his space - and this may be true. BUT! There are _two_ things to look at here:

One is that "...I feel desperation setting in when I'm not with him. I feel if we spend more time together he will see that I am someone special and that he really does love me..."

In other words, you may be smothering him out of panic - as though being clingy and desperate are desirable traits. While it is understandable that you want to make sure he stays with you - keep in mind that what you are doing is controlling behavior. And people react in generally negative fashion when others try to control them.

On the other hand - he is having an affair. He wants his wife out of the way so that it can continue unhindered. 

Exposure will pretty much put an end to that portion of 'needing space' (although for a while afterward he may want to get away from you out of anger. Expect that.)

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Now playing: Dire Straits - One World
via FoxyTunes


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## Sayitisntso (Mar 25, 2010)

Thank you Tanelornpete

What do you mean be the best wife you could every be? Does that mean do everything he wants? Smile and be agreeable? Right now I find myself have a hard time conversing with him because I don't want to say anything wrong. So I try to come up with causual everyday comments but when you don't get a response it gets to be hard. It's like he is in another world.

He told me he told her he was going to try and work it out with me but there are still accountable times when he's not there but that could just be because now I am noticing it more.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> What do you mean be the best wife you could every be? Does that mean do everything he wants? Smile and be agreeable? Right now I find myself have a hard time conversing with him because I don't want to say anything wrong. So I try to come up with causual everyday comments but when you don't get a response it gets to be hard. It's like he is in another world.


Great questions! What I mean by being the World's Best Wife is to try to learn and fill every need he may have. This isn't easy - but you can do it. First thing though - quite often our idea of what our spouse wants and what they need can be quite different. Its very easy to fall into the trap of assuming what they want and then giving it. 

Here's a quote from another post I wrote - kind of illustrates my point:

One of the things that I've seen happen a lot is that a partner in a marriage will do all sorts of things that they believe their spouse needs or wants them to do, and believe that this is what is necessary to get through to their spouse, or, that they believe will let their spouse know they are loved.

In reality, though - something entirely different has happened. As an example, suppose I decide that my wife wants the house to be clean, and the oil in the car to be changed. If I do those things she will certainly then know that I love her. So I do all of those things diligently. And my wife notices these things and thinks "how nice - he cleaned the house and changed the oil in the car!" But in her mind, what she really needs to feel loved is for me to sit down with her, look directly in her eyes and give her my undivided attention as she discusses whatever is on her mind. To her, love is shown through meaningful conversation, not changing the oil.

If I don't know this is what she wants, I can easily make the statement "I have cleaned, and cleaned and cleaned the house, and I have changed the oil on a regular basis - and still she is not responding! I'm bending over backwards for her!

And so, for her - she does not feel loved - and for me - I feel exhausted and ready to give up.​
It's because we assume things rather than taking the time to really learn.

So - if you have a little time and are willing to work on this - try these quizzes. They are designed for both partners - and it will help you find what your partner needs from you - take one for you and let him take one. I would not be too concerned RIGHT NOW with working over what needs HE should be giving you - the concern right now is to make sure you aren't causing damage without knowing it, and that instead you are doing all you can to build a fire of love in him.
*
Love Busters questionnaire* (to find out whats been destroying love)

*Emotional Needs* and *Love Kindlers Questionnaires* (to learn what your spouse needs from you.)

I also have a suggestion: take the quizzes yourself (pretending you are him) and keep those for yourself - along with having him do them (if he wants to.) The reason: right now he is deep in affair lala land, and his answers will reflect some dizziness and fog. His answers may well change once the affair ends. In any event - try to do whatever are the most important things on the lists - consistently. 



> He told me he told her he was going to try and work it out with me but there are still accountable times when he's not there but that could just be because now I am noticing it more.


I'd expect him to be vacant at times, till the affair ends. But do keep this in mind - until the affair ends, and NO CONTACT is established, you won't really be working on your marriage with him. You'll just be spinning your wheels - and it will get exhausting and pointless quite soon. The reason you will be filling his needs right now (until recovery starts) is because it can start building love in him - and you'll stop doing things that may be creating an environment where he (inappropriately) decided he needed to turn to someone else.

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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Warlocks
via FoxyTunes


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