# Dealing with in laws post affair...



## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

I had an affair and my husband found out.....we are working on mending our relationship and he and i both are committed to staying together. The affair was the biggest error in judgment I have ever made and I am fully committed to providing him with full transparency etc.

That said.....during the "fallout" period after he found out about the affair and our future was uncertain he confided in his sister and all of his family about the affair.....all of the details. Most of his family has accepted me back and after some period of awkwardness I am mending those relationships as well. With one exception, my sister in law.

She has gone out of her way to be mean and hateful to me, has called me a ***** on text along with other unpleasant names. I really have seen a side of her that i never expected and frankly I don't want to have a relationship with her but I do want civility. My husband refuses to step in and tell her to back off because we are mending our relationship. So what do I do? I can't not go to family functions because that makes my husband angry and again we're in the process of trying to mend.

At this point she has decided i'm scum forever because of a bad decision I did make. But this is now driving another wedge between myself and my husband. Any advice?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Your husband needs to step up and tell his sister to back off.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It will only drive a wedge between you and your husband if you let it. Don't let it.

Before your affair were you and your SIL close? We're you shopping buddies, hung out, did things together?

She feels betrayed too. Have you thought of writing her a letter of apology? Have you shown real remorse for what you did whenever you are with the in-laws?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

He should talk to his sister and tell her to cool it.
At this point I would give it some time but if you are in r he should have a talk with her.
It will be a bumpy ride though.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

This is on you. Your affair damages the relationship with the family and particularly your SIL. IT's not up to your husband to make things right, it's up to you. He didn't break things, you did. So I suggest sucking it up and living with it until she decides it's time to be civil again. Yes, she is being judgemental, but I think she has the right to be, you intentionally hurt her brother.

By the way, having sex with someone other than your husband is not an error in judgement, it's an intentional act to hurt your spouse, despite what others here might tell you.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Your husband needs to step up and tell his sister to back off.



I disagree Gus. He steps in and the this will never heal. Sis has to vent and come to the conclusion on her own.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I disagree Gus. He steps in and the this will never heal. Sis has to vent and come to the conclusion on her own.


:iagree:
She should have a conversation with the sil and tell her how sorry she is.
If she doesn't want to talk to her again there is nothing she can do.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't understand you have no siblings? You can't understand her anger toward you and how she might feel you betrayed the whole family which you did?

You broke this relationship With the SIL so your job to fix it. If you have tried and she is unwilling then and only then your husband should step in and ask his sister to ignore you and otherwise treat you civilly at family functions.

My brother hates my x wife with good reason. She cheated and hurt me and my family in the process. If his wife cheated on him I would be furious as well and probably never speak to her again and certainly wouldn't until she apologized to all the members of the family she betrayed


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree. How can you expect your own husband - the very person you betrayed with not a second thought - defend you from the consequences from the actions you took?

Actions that would have caused him more pain than you will ever be able to imagine.

Deal with it. Just be open with your sister in law. If she keeps sniping at you, deal with it or block her texts.

This is your problem and your problem alone.

Sorry.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

It wasn't his duty to cover for your affair. If he steps in and "backs off" there would likely always be tension. 

You and her have to come to some kind of arrangement. 

Sometimes when the wayward is close to the betrayed spouses family, they forget that it's sort of a package thing. A betrayal of one is in many ways a betrayal of the rest. You didn't cheat on them directly, but they accepted you into their family and that comes with some responsibility. 

I doubt any of them ever forget, but his sister may accept you eventually.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

awake1 said:


> It wasn't his duty to cover for your affair. If he steps in and "backs off" there would likely always be tension.
> 
> You and her have to come to some kind of arrangement.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
If you could tell us how recent the affair was, length ect.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

I'm definitely not trying to avoid blame. It was a bad decision.......it was a decision I could have said yes or no. So regardless of how you view it.....it absolutely is a decision....one that does hurt your spouse, yes.

We weren't ever close there are 11 siblings in his family.......but nobody is really very close in fact he wasn't close to his family until my affair. That actually brought them closer. So I don't want to hurt that relationship either.....I'm actually really happy they have been closer. So no I'm not losing a friendship here at all. But I also don't want my two children to hear her call me names in front of me.....they are young, they love their aunt and their cousins and they don't understand why their aunt is yelling at their mother.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

The affair lasted 8 months and has been over for a year no contact.

I think because the family has never in any way been close I do forget that it is a betrayal of them.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> The affair lasted 8 months and has been over for a year no contact.
> 
> I think because the family has never in any way been close I do forget that it is a betrayal of them.


Well now that you recognize that it was why not call her up or better go and meet her and apologize about what you did to her brother but also say you want to apologize to her personally cause you can see how upset this has made her. It's hard to remain mad at someone who has owned up to their mistakes.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Well now that you recognize that it was why not call her up or better go and meet her and apologize about what you did to her brother but also say you want to apologize to her personally cause you can see how upset this has made her. It's hard to remain mad at someone who has owned up to their mistakes.


Try to meet her at a coffee shop something like that and have a one on one.
All you can do is try.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> I'm definitely not trying to avoid blame. It was a bad decision.......it was a decision I could have said yes or no. So regardless of how you view it.....it absolutely is a decision....one that does hurt your spouse, yes.
> 
> We weren't ever close there are 11 siblings in his family.......but nobody is really very close in fact he wasn't close to his family until my affair. That actually brought them closer. So I don't want to hurt that relationship either.....I'm actually really happy they have been closer. So no I'm not losing a friendship here at all. But I also don't want my two children to hear her call me names in front of me.....they are young, they love their aunt and their cousins and they don't understand why their aunt is yelling at their mother.


Big part of R is apologising to your IL, it is your responsibility and you should do the heavy lifting. Your H should mediated at some point but as in every affair: "you broke it, you fix it".

How old r your kids? Do they know about the Affair?

Maybe your H would protect them from his family calling you names, but it is totally up to him. Did you ask him what does he thinks about it?

good luck


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

When i say civility that really is it.....i don't need her to forgive me or like me but i do need her to stop name calling. 

My kids are 9 and 4......so no they don't know about the affair they are too young to be included in that dialogue.

My H basically said he hasn't heard her call me names (totally true he hasn't, she does it when he isn't there or on text and i didn't show him the text just deleted). So he doesn't believe me bottom line.......understandably so.

I don't want to push him to do anything he doesn't offer to do. It hurts that he wouldn't just say please don't call her names we're really trying to work things out. But.....again I understand why he doesn't "have my back" for lack of a better phrase. Yes i broke it....please don't think i don't know that.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

I like the coffee shop idea......and i do need to apologize to her face to face. Worth a try, hard to scream obscenities in public right?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> I like the coffee shop idea......and i do need to apologize to her face to face. Worth a try, hard to scream obscenities in public right?


Also realize that your affair has changed things permanently. They may never look at you the same way again.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I don't understand you have no siblings? You can't understand her anger toward you and how she might feel you betrayed the whole family which you did?


No i am an only child.......so I never did have that relationship.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Is the SIL is married? perhaps she's sending a signal to her husband that she doesn't forgive cheaters.

but yeah, you did injury her brother, and she probably can't forgive that. 

aim for civility, not hugs and kisses from her


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> No i am an only child.......so I never did have that relationship.


I do have a sibling and if her spouse ever cheated he'd be on my sh*t list forever - whether or not they R. Period.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> So regardless of how you view it.....it absolutely is a decision....one that does hurt your spouse, yes.



You made a conscious decision to hurt your husband. Your words. Accept that.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> Is the SIL is married? perhaps she's sending a signal to her husband that she doesn't forgive cheaters.


Yes she is married. I guess what I don't understand is she knows H has forgiven me and yes he used those words....still we have a lot of work and I have a lot of trust to rebuild and time.......but she knows I hurt her brother but that ultimately we do love each other still........what is the purpose of holding onto the hate. She sees him happy now......wouldn't she rather he be happy? or just have us split and him be unhappy yet again?

Really i'm not trying to avoid blame.......just trying to really understand her point of view here.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Yes she is married. I guess what I don't understand is she knows H has forgiven me and yes he used those words....still we have a lot of work and I have a lot of trust to rebuild and time.......but she knows I hurt her brother but that ultimately we do love each other still........what is the purpose of holding onto the hate. She sees him happy now......wouldn't she rather he be happy? or just have us split and him be unhappy yet again?
> 
> Really i'm not trying to avoid blame.......just trying to really understand her point of view here.


The point is you hurt her brother and she has his back. That is the point. And she doesn't trust you not to do it again. This was not a one night stand but an 8 month affair. repeated lies and deception.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> You made a conscious decision to hurt your husband. Your words. Accept that.


I believe i have if you would read my posts I've taken full responsibility for my horrible actions. I'm looking to mend things here and get advice...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> I believe i have if you would read my posts I've taken full responsibility for my horrible actions. I'm looking to mend things here and get advice...


Trisha what people are trying to tell you is there is no easy solution. you opened the pandora's box and now have to deal with the fallout. Also from an outsiders perspective perhaps it looks like you got away with it. did you ever think that is how she views it?


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Its a consequence of your actions. You hurt her sibling. She is pissed of that you hurt her brother and she doesnt trust you. 

You married him not her. So deal with it until it fades.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Trish78 said:


> My H basically said he hasn't heard her call me names (totally true he hasn't, she does it when he isn't there or on text and i didn't show him the text just deleted). So he doesn't believe me bottom line.......understandably so.


Stop deleting any texts. In R, there should be no reason for you to do that, and especially now.

Go apologize, but then be prepared to stand up for your kids and your marriage. Make clear that you don't expect her to forgive, or love or even like you. But this is not just about her hurt feelings. Your husband has forgiven you and you two are working on things. For his sake and for the sake of her nieces/nephews, you ask that the two of you work to be civil when others are around.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Yes she is married. I guess what I don't understand is she knows H has forgiven me and yes he used those words....still we have a lot of work and I have a lot of trust to rebuild and time.......but she knows I hurt her brother but that ultimately we do love each other still........what is the purpose of holding onto the hate. She sees him happy now......wouldn't she rather he be happy? or just have us split and him be unhappy yet again?
> 
> Really i'm not trying to avoid blame.......just trying to really understand her point of view here.


How do you know she sees him happy? Lots of people put on a good front when with others, and if their relationship was never that close, how do you know that she doesn't see it s just that a good facade?? 

Also you have never apologized to the family for it, so she may think she is owed/ deserves an apology and your lack of giving one, yet expecting a certain behavior from her, is showing that you may think she is below you and unworthy of such common courtesy and is part of the heavy lifting that accompanies R and trust rebuilding. She also sees that you not only hurt the family, and your husband, but you hurt your kids as well. She may be ever vigilant that you not hurt unsuspecting children again. I know that they are young and don't need to know the details, but there are age appropriate ways to show the love that was denied them while you were in the A (and yes they were denied during this period whether you believe so or not).


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Trisha what people are trying to tell you is there is no easy solution. you opened the pandora's box and now have to deal with the fallout. Also from an outsiders perspective perhaps it looks like you got away with it. did you ever think that is how she views it?


yes from an outsider's perspective it looks like we were so happy and things were so great.......then boom out of the blue i had an affair. I'm not going to get into that piece because i don't want it misconstrued that I'm giving excuses, because i'm not.

So yes.....i'm sure she views it this way.

At the end of the day H and I really are in a better place than we have ever been in 18 years. We're open and honest (both of us) probably for the first time ever. I guess I'd like her to see that side but....when he confided to her it was in anger and he hasn't confided in her since so she is probably still back in full on anger mode.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> *yes from an outsider's perspective it looks like we were so happy and things were so great.......then boom out of the blue i had an affair. I'm not going to get into that piece because i don't want it misconstrued that I'm giving excuses, because i'm not.
> *
> So yes.....i'm sure she views it this way.
> 
> At the end of the day H and I really are in a better place than we have ever been in 18 years. We're open and honest (both of us) probably for the first time ever. I guess I'd like her to see that side but....when he confided to her it was in anger and he hasn't confided in her since so she is probably still back in full on anger mode.


By you even starting your post with that you are indeed trying to excuse it.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> No i am an only child.......so I never did have that relationship.


Well you must realize that,as you said before, his family is now closer and is a big support for him now, so you should not confront him with any of them. Brothers and sisters, even not being close, could be very protective.

Coffee is a good idea, be prepare, it is going to be hard and you CAN NOT get mad at her, it can bring consequences.

Maybe you should apologize to each one of them, this could be good for your husband. every iniciative in the good way could burst R.

Glad you kids are not aware, thy r the most vulnerable victims of an Affair.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

wow what a mess. 

Sorry but honestly I think you just need to own it and live with it. You made your bed now its time to sleep in it. 

I wished cheating did not destroy peoples lives but it does. It hurts people in the deepest possible way.

I would follow the others advice and try to apologize. I feel horrible for your H. Not only does he get to live with a cheating wife he gets to be pushed to stand up for her cheating. 

That has got to be humiliating.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I disagree very much with most of the posters on this one.

It is 100% on your husband to tell his sister to knock it off. The minute you decide on reconciling with your spouse you should not allow family members to shame them.

This is not about what you did, it's about what your husband is letting them do to you. And its not right.

This is what I mean when I say too many people here want to butt in to other peoples marriage business. Sometimes you need to just step back and butt out.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Start owning your affair choice. You might have taken responsibility for it, but have you really "owned" it? I don't think so, if you are wanting/ expecting your BS to step forward and be your protector against the backlash thrust upon you, when you were not there to stick up for him when he needed it and instead made your choice. 

You now have the chance to make amends for your wrong and this is a start, apologize. I don't think that you have really truly owned this and thought of the devastation it caused if you haven't even attempted a simple thing such as an apology yet?? That should have been your first thing thought of, if you truly were owning your actions and thinking of the hurt and pain they caused.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You own this 100%. Put your big girl pants on and face the music. If SIL can never forgive you, so be it.

It's your fault. You can't hide behind anyone's pants and make it go away. Face the music. You just might make a new friend. 

...and hind site... Hoping you regret this with every fiber in your being. Be thankful you're still married at least for the time being. That could change at any moment for any reason.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

jj123456 said:


> Trish, do you not think that's a little rich. I'm sure she's seen a side of you she never expected. You expect forgiveness, but refuse to give it.
> 
> Get some humility is my advice.


I meant using obscenties around children.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

sinnister said:


> I disagree very much with most of the posters on this one.
> 
> It is 100% on your husband to tell his sister to knock it off. The minute you decide on reconciling with your spouse you should not allow family members to shame them.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with your sentiments, but I feel that it is her move to make first and then if the snubbing and name calling continues, he should step in and say something. I don't agree that he should be the initiator until she has offered up a heartfelt apology and tried to make amends. She shouldn't just "deserve" to be treated better because the H decided to forgive, as she still hurt others whether she thinks she did or not.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Why don't you just ignore her?


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> yes from an outsider's perspective it looks like we were so happy and things were so great.......then boom out of the blue i had an affair. I'm not going to get into that piece because i don't want it misconstrued that I'm giving excuses, because i'm not.
> 
> So yes.....i'm sure she views it this way.
> 
> At the end of the day H and I really are in a better place than we have ever been in 18 years. We're open and honest (both of us) probably for the first time ever. I guess I'd like her to see that side but....when he confided to her it was in anger and he hasn't confided in her since so she is probably still back in full on anger mode.


Dont try to explain it to her, it just wont work, this explanation must be tell by your H to his family. If you do that is going to put you in a worst place.

Just be humble and apology. Don't blame shift, do not give any excuse.

Think what is best for your kids.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

This is why I don't like exposure with details to families. When you decide to R those hard feelings are often there forever for some of the family members. You hurt her brother and she is not ready to forgive you and never may be. You should not have deleted the text and maybe then he would have believed you. Now he doesn't want to have to tell her to back off. Maybe he's embarrassed after all he said to her about you and then took you back. Who knows. 

You do need to ask her to meet with you so you can apologize for what you put everyone through. Don't depend on him to fix this for you.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Ok.........thank you for all the words...

So I will invite her to coffee, if she won't come I will apologize by e-mail or text. If she will come (i hope) I will apologize sincerely for violating her trust and hurting her family. And after that.....I have to own it cause i made the bed. 

Getting mad isn't really me i'm more of a take flight but if she starts i will force myself to sit and hear it.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Lila said:


> Trish:
> 
> How often do you see the in-laws?
> 
> ...


Varies.....maybe like once a month.......again its a huge family 12 kids so we don't always see this particular sister. Which is the sister that told the rest of the family.....but I am actually really ok with everyone else and usually just try to stay away from her as much as possible.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> Varies.....maybe like once a month.......again its a huge family 12 kids so we don't always see this particular sister. Which is the sister that told the rest of the family.....but I am actually really ok with everyone else and usually just try to stay away from her as much as possible.


Give it time.

If you r not feeling like apologizing, just avoid her.

As been told here Affairs change everything...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

When you talk with her or if you email. Take the blame, make no excuses, apologize for hurting your husband, his family and her. Tell her you understand it will take time for her trust you again and you understand. Ask her if you two can be civil to each other when with the family and in front of your kids.

This will go a long way to helping rebuild fences. If you email, CC your husband so it is all out on the table. it will make it easier for him to step up when he needs too.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

When I was young, a neighborhood boy broke into a house, after the rest of the family had left, but the 12 y/o (IIRC) sister was still home. A friend was coming to meet her to go to the bus stop, but wasn't there yet. The sister interrupted his burglary, she knew him, it was said he had a crush on her. He stabbed her 94 times. When the friend got there, the boy had gone, she found her friend dead and...well...I can only imagine. The friend was actually my first "girlfriend" as a kid. The sister's brother was a football teammate of mine. His sister was a cheerleader. This was a HUGE event in my relatively small town, it hits very close to home. I remember the first time I saw the brother and dad after....they were empty. THAT is something that doesn't ever get forgiven, or forgotten. The sentiments claiming this SIL has a right to hang onto this because it's such a grievous act...seem to need some perspective.

The promise you made was to your husband, not to his family. I don't think you owe them anything, per se. If the affair including a lot of deception and lying to them, personally...then yeah, that's another aspect. Either way, they are well within their rights to dislike you, yes, and forever, if they really choose to. BUT, If it's under the guise of "having your husband's back," though, then I would think, "having his back" also means, supporting the relationship he is trying to reconcile. I think you should make an effort, yes, just like you are at the marriage itself, to be a good mother, spouse and family member. I don't think you should have to withstand name-calling and condascension, nor should you have to now meet some unreasonable standard or endure hoop-jumping, for anyone. As much as it's easy to see an undertone of seeing excuses in an explanation, if one really wants to, I think you seem to be taking ownership of the affair, and it sounds like your husband has accepted that, and is in for the R now. From there, the only thing you can do, is simply try to be the best wife and mother you can. I think they should respect that.

Similar situation, I think: I've been an observer to quite a few bad relationships by my sister. She has had some very bad LTR breakups, including one marriage. We heard stories of her s/o's being verbally and physically abusive, drunks, absentee, etc... Of course I didn't like to hear things like that, my "brotherly defenses" wanted to come out, but as long as she was making the decision to try to maintain the relationship, I stayed on board. I was never close friends with any of those guys, but when I was around them, I was more than civil, I tried to be genuine, courteous, all that....just normal. My wife and I used to refer to it as "waving the same flag" as my sister; if she was still in, we were. Any "judgments" we may have had, on whatever we knew of the situation, were to be kept to ourselves.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> Ok.........thank you for all the words...
> 
> So I will invite her to coffee, if she won't come I will apologize by e-mail or text. If she will come (i hope) I will apologize sincerely for violating her trust and hurting her family. And after that.....I have to own it cause i made the bed.
> 
> Getting mad isn't really me i'm more of a take flight but if she starts i will force myself to sit and hear it.


I heard a saying once, "Never apologize; the right kind of people don't need it, and the wrong kind of people take mean advantage." I don't agree we should never apologize, but a part of me gets its point. I wouldn't spend a lot of time on the apology aspect, your SIL may just not be willing to hear it, or believe it, or will pick it apart. I would still do it, but I would make the lion's share of the conversation focused on, what positive things you are doing NOW, and that you would like to focus on those things, including your being civil toward each other, and especially around your kids.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

IMO, the SIL is totally out of line with her behavior. Swearing and yelling in front of kids at their mother is abhorrent and texting someone to call them names is juvenile. Sorry OP, but your SIL’s behavior sounds like something off Jerry Springer, UGH. Hopefully your SIL doesn’t kick off her shoes and try to fight you while TV thugs stand in-between.

That said, the SIL is entitled to whatever feelings she has about the affair but her behavior is on her, not the OP. OP, if I were you I would try talking to SIL in a public place, like you mentioned, apologize and try to get things sorted out for the sake of family civility. If post meeting she continues with her bad daytime TV behavior, then I think it’s up to your BS to talk to his sister to try and resolve things, particularly since it sounds like not visiting the in-laws is not an option for you in your BS’s mind.

If your SIL cannot control herself in front of her brother’s children, what does that say about the level of respect for her brother? IMO, not much and in that case if I were your BS, I’d be questioning how much time (if any) should be spent around this person.

I’m a BS and I have family members who are still less than pleased with my WS 2+ years out. I’d draw the line before it got to yelling obscenities and harassing him via text, I don’t care who they were to me. My family is entitled to their feelings but not entitled to run ramshod over another human being. There are better ways to handle things.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who did you cheat with ? How did it end ?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> I had an affair and my husband found out.....we are working on mending our relationship and he and i both are committed to staying together. The affair was the biggest error in judgment I have ever made and I am fully committed to providing him with full transparency etc.
> 
> That said.....during the "fallout" period after he found out about the affair and our future was uncertain he confided in his sister and all of his family about the affair.....all of the details. Most of his family has accepted me back and after some period of awkwardness I am mending those relationships as well. With one exception, my sister in law.
> 
> ...


Trish78,

As others have pointed out, when you cheated, you wronged not only on your husband but also his family -- including your SIL -- and therefore owe them -- and her -- an apology. Forgiveness is their's to give or not, you have no right to insist on it.

Moreover, as others have also pointed out, you have no right to insist that your husband defend you -- it is entirely within his right to leave you to deal with this on your own.

I agree that your best course of action now is to approach your SIL and apologize but, if your attempt to reconcile with her fails, then your next best course of action is to ask you BH how he wishes you to deal with the situation and to follow his advice. If he declines to offer advice, then you should react to your SIL with contriteness and tolerance and hope that, over time, her heart softens and she eventually "forgives" you.

As for your children, you have an obligation to protect them abuse and therefore would be within your rights to keep them away from your SIL if her behavior around them really is inappropriate. But you should not overreact and should make sure that her behavior is potentially injurious to them before taking action. The fact that she treats you with less than respect is not, IMO, sufficient reason to keep her away from them but, of course, as their mother, that is for you to decide.

Above all, when deciding how to react to your SIL, bear in mind that you are responsible for the situation because you chose to cheat on your husband, her brother. Also bear in mind that, whatever you do, your goal should be to support your husband in his attempt to heal from your infidelity. If you can keep both of these things in mind -- and let go of your pride (which I sense is at least part of the reason you are having trouble with your SIL) -- you can figure out how to deal with this.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

Honestly I'm having a tough time coming up with any sympathy for you.

At the beginning of the thread you were unhappy that your husband wouldn't stand up for you. When some posters said he shouldn't have to then you drag in the children.

Were you thinking of your children when you were screwing some guy for 8 months?

Sound to me like you want to rug sweep your affair (oops, "bad decisions") and use your husband or children as shields to avoid having to deal with personal consequences.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

interesting. I am usually so down on "cheaters" that I don't even always use such a polite term to refer to them. sometimes I even pull out the most vicious term I can conjure up etc.
but I'm having trouble understanding why she needs to apologize to people who are not in her immediate family - i.e. her husband. I suppose under particular circumstances she might want to apolgize to her (older?) children - perhaps. apologize to a SIL, MIL, FIL??
something about that strikes me as quite odd, have to say


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> interesting. I am usually so down on "cheaters" that I don't even always use such a polite term to refer to them. sometimes I even pull out the most vicious term I can conjure up etc.
> but I'm having trouble understanding why she needs to apologize to people who are not in her immediate family - i.e. her husband. I suppose under particular circumstances she might want to apolgize to her (older?) children - perhaps. apologize to a SIL, MIL, FIL??
> something about that strikes me as quite odd, have to say


Because some families are like that. Hurt one member, hurt all members.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I have a sister whose spouse cheated. If she decides to reconcile, I will support her AND her husband in that endeavor, because I love my sister.

Hate never heals.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It's difficult for you I'm sure but one of the many consequences of an affair. It is too bad your husband has to suffer through this riff in his family. I would concentrate on helping him to manage this problem that you created. Support him in every way. Forget about yourself. This will be a slow process of healing that his sister may never accomplish. As far as you going to family events, your husband and children should go alone. 

They should not suffer that warmth of their family because of you. Make sure you let your husband know that you take full responsibility for this situation and you intend to make sure that it has a little effect on them. Too bad for you that you feel uncomfortable but It's not about you, it's about the people you hurt and humiliated for a few meaningless orgasms.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How did your husband find out?

Did he know the OM? Does his sister know him, or his spouse?

Has some similar betrayal occurred to her in the past? Has this event triggered her?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The bottom line is that the husband's family needs to butt the f*ck out of his marriage. It should be enough to any of them that he has chosen to reconcile w/ his wife. Having said that, any of them would be justified in any anger or distrust that they felt w/ regard to OP, but they need to be mature enough to refrain from launching expletive-laden tirades in OP's direction (and via text, e-mail, face-to-face, or any other means).

On the day that I left my wife a little over two years ago, she called my brother in a panic, tearfully confessing what she'd done, and hoping to get him to go after me. If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business. If he'd ignored me, I'd have driven to his house, walked in via the front door, and knocked the unholy blue f*ck out of him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> The bottom line is that the husband's family needs to butt the f*ck out of his marriage. It should be enough to any of them that he has chosen to reconcile w/ his wife. Having said that, any of them would be justified in any anger or distrust that they felt w/ regard to OP, but they need to be mature enough to refrain from launching expletive-laden tirades in OP's direction (and via text, e-mail, face-to-face, or any other means).
> 
> On the day that I left my wife a little over two years ago, she called my brother in a panic, tearfully confessing what she'd done, and hoping to get him to go after me. If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business. If he'd ignored me, I'd have driven to his house, walked in via the front door, and knocked the unholy blue f*ck out of him.


I recall when a poster here called Juicer demanded that someone on TAM stop bad mouthing his wife on the board.

She had cheated on him, they were going to get a divorce, true, but he still wouldn't let anyone speak bad of her.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP sorry for the spot you are in glad you have been given a chance to reconcile by your husband. 

Keep in mind. He didn't cause this mess you did. He is not responsible for mopping up your affair mess. Do not look poorly on him for not fixing your mess for you. You need to try to mend this fence yourself. Sounds like your SIL does not trust you. Hopefully you can come to an agreeable relationship. Try explaining this from the perspective of a mother. Your children at her family and they don't need to hear or read about their aunt calling their mom bad names. 

I hope your gift of r continues to be successful. I also hope you find a way to mend the fence you broke with your SIL
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> The bottom line is that the husband's family needs to butt the f*ck out of his marriage. It should be enough to any of them that he has chosen to reconcile w/ his wife. Having said that, any of them would be justified in any anger or distrust that they felt w/ regard to OP, but they need to be mature enough to refrain from launching expletive-laden tirades in OP's direction (and via text, e-mail, face-to-face, or any other means).
> 
> On the day that I left my wife a little over two years ago, she called my brother in a panic, tearfully confessing what she'd done, and hoping to get him to go after me. If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business. If he'd ignored me, I'd have driven to his house, walked in via the front door, and knocked the unholy blue f*ck out of him.


Wow..no way I'd strike my sibling over a cheating spouse. He's got your back and your spouse doesn't so you hit him? If your gonna punch anyone try hitting the OM before your own flesh and blood.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> By you even starting your post with that you are indeed trying to excuse it.





BWBill said:


> Were you thinking of your children when you were screwing some guy for 8 months?
> 
> Sound to me like you want to rug sweep your affair (oops, "bad decisions") and use your husband or children as shields to avoid having to deal with personal consequences.


Here we go again. One thing I hate about the CWI section, and one reason that I don't post here often, is that any WS who asks a genuine question is picked apart and berated for things that have nothing to do with the question at hand. Seriously, no matter what they say, their every word will be picked apart, and they will be accused of "making excuses" or "rugsweeping". Happens EVERY time. 

I understand some of you were hurt by infidelity, and think all cheaters should be executed, but a lot of people prefer reconciliation. That's just the way it is. And when a couple decides to reconcile, they have to jump into it 100%. 

Here is my 2 cents for what it's worth: If SIL really has her brother's back, then she will have his back now that he is reconciling. Her brother, for better or worse, decided that he wants to stay in this marriage and wants the OP to be his life partner. The OP can apologize to the SIL, but if the SIL doesn't accept that, then the husband needs to step in. He needs to send her a firm and clear message: "_this is my wife here, what troubles we have had are our business and no one else's, and if you insult her, you insult me._"


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

I think you have go to meet your SIL together with your husband.
You can apologize but he has to explain to her in simple words the following: 

1. He's made a choice to stay with you. Good or bad it is his decision. She has to respect it.

2. These are her brothers children. 

3. They are innocent.

4. Calling their mom bad names traumatizes them. That is not the way to punish you.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Here we go again. One thing I hate about the CWI section, and one reason that I don't post here often, is that any WS who asks a genuine question is picked apart and berated for things that have nothing to do with the question at hand. Seriously, no matter what they say, their every word will be picked apart, and they will be accused of "making excuses" or "rugsweeping". Happens EVERY time.
> 
> *I understand some of you were hurt by infidelity, and think all cheaters should be executed,* but a lot of people prefer reconciliation. That's just the way it is. And when a couple decides to reconcile, they have to jump into it 100%.
> 
> Here is my 2 cents for what it's worth: If SIL really has her brother's back, then she will have his back now that he is reconciling. Her brother, for better or worse, decided that he wants to stay in this marriage and wants the OP to be his life partner. The OP can apologize to the SIL, but if the SIL doesn't accept that, then the husband needs to step in. He needs to send her a firm and clear message: "_this is my wife here, what troubles we have had are our business and no one else's, and if you insult her, you insult me._"


Dont put words in my mouth you dont know me.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Trish,

As a H I never have and never will allow anybody - including her parents, my parents and close relatives - to badmouth my wife, especially in front of kids (hypothetical for me though as I don't have the above ). Even when she is plain 100% wrong its only my business to deal with her.

Of course, your H maybe different but judging by 'I was not there' excuse I guess there is a possibility he still has a desire to call you all these names. Perhaps he suppressed it for the sake of R but doesn't mind his sister (who he confined to) calling them.

Apologies if harsh

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

My brother's wife had an affair that I know about. For all I know, he may have cheated on her too.

The point being that the only two people that knows what is happening in a relationship are the two people in it.

He chose to stay with her. 

You know what my opinion on it is? Its none of my business. Its their marriage and they have to figure out what works for them. I wouldn't allow anyone in my family to interfere in my romantic relationships either. If I don't directly ask for advice, I'm not interested in anyone else's opinion.

While this OP may feel some need to apologize to the family overall, that's as far as it should go. This OP's husband needs to tell his sister to mind her own business. Its not her place to be involved and the sil should keep her opinions to herself and let them work out their own marriage issues.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Trish,

You are brave to come here and ask for help since TAM is tough on cheaters. Stay here and you will gain strength.

Is your SIL insecure about her own marriage?

As another poster noted, she may be sending a message to her husband that she will whittle his junk with a Swiss army knife if he should every stray. Also, she may be tempted herself and you are trigger. She may have friend who suffered betrayal. In short, there are many reasons she may be angry about cheating.

She may love her brother and feel protective of him.

I would be brave and attempt to patch things on my own. If you can establish communication with her without your husband's help that will be good. Your husband will be proud of you.

Tell your husband that his forgiveness and love have given you strength to overcome the challenge.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

my aunt, who passed on friday, was repeatedly cheated on by my uncle. he even moved out once or twice. 
my parents, it was my dad's sister and we we're all very close, never once spoke ill of him in my presence. were they upset about it? of course they were. did they want it to be different? of course they did. 
but, it was her life, her relationship and if she could forgive him they could too. 

meet with her, apologize sincerely, and then there is nothing else you can do. i also think, if that's not enough, that your H should speak to her too. if nothing else he needs to let her know bad mouthing you in front of other family members is disrupting the healing he wants.

eta
my uncle was with her when she took her last breath, carried her body out to the car that took her away and provided her great care till the very end.


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

To the OP. I think attempting to mend fences with SIL is a wise move. If she does not stop then you have done everything you can to make this better and all you have lost is a couple hours of your time. You sound like you have a lot of things in your favor compared to most WS, your husband still loves you and wants to reconcile, his family(mostly) still likes you or at least treats you with kindness. If all you've lost is the respect of somebody you were not even close to in the first place then I would say you have gotten off pretty easy given the magnitude of what you've done. BTW your SIL while understandably upset that you have hurt her brother really should not be cursing and screaming in front of young children they didn't do anything wrong to be burdened with that.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> interesting. I am usually so down on "cheaters" that I don't even always use such a polite term to refer to them. sometimes I even pull out the most vicious term I can conjure up etc.
> *but I'm having trouble understanding why she needs to apologize to people who are not in her immediate family - i.e. her husband. I suppose under particular circumstances she might want to apolgize to her (older?) children - perhaps. apologize to a SIL, MIL, FIL??*
> something about that strikes me as quite odd, have to say


:iagree:

I realize every family is different but it never crossed my mind my WS should apologize to anyone but me. He didn't cheat on my family.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

My wife cheated on me many years ago and I still deal with an enormous amount of anxiety around family events or around friends who know the history. It's incredibly embarrassing and shameful for me and I absolutely dread family parties or events with people who know our history. We live far from family today and I enjoy new friends and the fact that they know nothing about our past, I HATE going over families house, it's like 5 hours of torture, I get physically ill before it.

I know when I'm not around I'm the butt of jokes and people don't think highly of me for taking my wife back after her affairs and the separation. People make judgments and your SIL thinks poorly of you, you won't change her mind so just ignore her.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

This is just another example of the collateral damage that is caused by cheating. When extended families and children are involved, EVERYONE SUFFERS to some extent.

OP, you and your H have the right to ignore his family and not have them be part of his life anymore, and they of course have the same right to do that to the two of you.

Remember this OP, you didn't just cheat on their son, you cheated on the grand children as well. If they do choose to forgive you, that process could take years. YOU need to regain their trust. Just because your H says he forgives you, doesn't mean they have to.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Wow..no way I'd strike my sibling over a cheating spouse. He's got your back and your spouse doesn't so you hit him? If your gonna punch anyone try hitting the OM before your own flesh and blood.


If I could've gotten my hands on OM, I'd likely be in prison right now.

And as far as "having your back" goes, there's only so much that any BS needs from a co-worker, friend, parent, sibling, etc. Offer encouragement, insight, support, wisdom, and (to the degree possible) a safe haven, but there's no need for bashing. And, once a BS says as much, any further admonishment of the WS (especially in light of a stated intent to pursue reconciliation) is nothing short of _disrespectful to the BS_.

Now... If anyone, as a BS, _wants_ to hear his or her co-workers, friends, parents, siblings, random Internetizens, etc call his or her WS a no-good, cheating, filthy wh*re, then that's great. Seriously, have at it. Have a blast.

And as far as me hitting my brother goes... Well, you'd have to know my brother. Just believe me when I say this -- he'd deserve it pretty much regardless of the circumstances. He's my brother, and I love him, but HOLY CRAP he is the most stereotypically annoying little brother that ever lived.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Nikita2270 said:


> My brother's wife had an affair that I know about. For all I know, he may have cheated on her too.


Presumed guilty until proved innocent , right ?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

My sister is the kindest, most gentle and giving soul I have ever known in this world.

My sister was cheated on...and because my mom's family is a bunch of serial rugsweepers whenever adultery raises its ugly head on that side of the family, it was quickly forgiven and forgotten.

I thought she should have dumped him ASAP, but was begged by both my sisters and my mom to never say or do anything...to just let it go even though I wanted to confront the sob.

I am civil with him for her sake because I love her, even if I disagree 100% with how she handled it.

But I will kick his a** if he ever does it to her again.

Funny thing happened last Thanksgiving, however.

As you can imagine, adultery is NEVER discussed in my family, but my other sister had just taken a paralegal job last fall working for the county on child support.

She was talking about her new job at the family get together and mentioned she felt bad for this one father who her boss was going after pretty harshly (and unfairly in her opinion since the state was basically ignoring the original separation agreement in going after the guy's pay after his ex-wife went on public assistance).

In addition, she said she felt bad because the guy's D happened cause his ex was cheating.

I let loose with a mini-vent basically saying every cheater was a POS who didn't deserve a penny...f*ck people who blow up their M with an A and then want to be financially supported...she had agreed to less money for concessions from her BH on custody issues. The state was f*cked up to go after him for more money cause the cheat had quit her job and gone on public assistance.

I'll admit...I was pretty harsh in what I had to say about cheaters in general.

My sister who had been cheated on got VERY upset with me...said I was judgmental and unforgiving.

Meanwhile my BIL just sat their silent like he was made out of stone.

Like I said, I am civil to BIL and I never mentioned him personally...just cheaters in general.

But despite that, I'm not gonna bite my tongue about what I feel about cheaters and A's in general, no matter how much it upsets her rugsweeping.

Especially not after all the damage that has been done in my family for the past 3 generations from selfish disloyal cheats.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> ...said I was judgmental and unforgiving.


And she said that like it was a bad thing? There is nothing wrong with being either judgmental or unforgiving.

Being judgemental means you are discriminating in what is acceptable and what isn't; who you choose to associate with or not. Being judgmental is valid position because I do believe that you can judge his wholeness based on that one aspect of his behavior, especially when it comes to infidelity. As far as forgiving goes, that's up to you, no one can force you to forgive someone, it has to come from the heart. I don't forgive easily and I've carried some grudges since High School.

I actually think it's pretty cool that he squirmed during the conversation. He's always going to have to live with that 800 pound gorilla in the room. Was this the first time he had something like this happen in front of the family?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This sister in law is wrong.
I have a sibling who got divorced due to a spouse's adultery.
For the good of the family, grandparents, children, cousins, etc. you don't make everyone feel crappy at family events. 
I don't think it's a bad idea to apologize, but I don't think it will work becuase only a defective person would behave this way. I do agree the husband has to manage his sister. Everyone should be following his lead.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

barbados said:


> Remember this OP, you didn't just cheat on their son, you cheated on the grand children as well. If they do choose to forgive you, that process could take years. YOU need to regain their trust. Just because your H says he forgives you, doesn't mean they have to.


The OP (I assume) isn't sleeping with the grandchildren and didn't make a vow to them to forsake all others.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Here we go again. One thing I hate about the CWI section, and one reason that I don't post here often, is that any WS who asks a genuine question is picked apart and berated for things that have nothing to do with the question at hand. Seriously, no matter what they say, their every word will be picked apart, and they will be accused of "making excuses" or "rugsweeping". Happens EVERY time.
> 
> I understand some of you were hurt by infidelity, and think all cheaters should be executed, but a lot of people prefer reconciliation. That's just the way it is. And when a couple decides to reconcile, they have to jump into it 100%.[/I]"





Truthseeker1 said:


> Dont put words in my mouth you dont know me.


While the quoted poster did quote your post, their comment quickly went generalized, and only referred to "some of you" to boot. Moreover, reading some comments on just this page, Theseus is undeniably correct. There are members here who are very forthcoming about their attitudes:

"I am usually so down on "cheaters"...sometimes I even pull out the most vicious term I can conjure up etc."

Forget the debate about whether those people are justified or not, it's inarguable that they exist. That being said, I "liked" a lot of comments, I think several people gave some great insight and perspectives, and helpful advice, to the OP.

EDIT: I also wanted to add an angle, from the standpoint of, "would it ever be ok for the SIL to just keep her 'grudge,' so to speak?" Like the saying goes, you don't just marry a person, you marry a family. That's true, we don't intentionally marry the family (I don't know, maybe sometimes marriage don't occur b/c someone decides they won't be able to handle the family, and maybe sometimes they do, b/c the family is one of the attractions), but the family of our spouse can end up being a very real factor/influence to deal with. My point is: wouldn't it be a shame, if the OP and her H commit to reconcile, in a very real way, to find their marriage again....and the SIL ends up being the continued, nagging, negative force that mitigates that progress, and/or potentially prevents it from happening at all? That's my kicker, that yeah, she can be upset, but I think if her brother has found a way to move on, she really needs to, as well. Maybe not immediately, just get over it, kinda style....but let's say, "without undue delay."


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Was this the first time he had something like this happen in front of the family?"

The Middleman,

Oh yes...as I mentioned adultery is NEVER discussed in my family...it is always rugswept and kept as a dirty, unacknowledged secret. (on my mother's side, dad's family is WAY different)

It only came up indirectly because my youngest sister was sharing about her new job.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Trish,
> 
> You are brave to come here and ask for help since TAM is tough on cheaters. Stay here and you will gain strength.
> 
> ...



All comments are welcome........there is nothing that has been typed here that hasn't been said to me or I haven't said to myself. 

So update: I texted her last night to meet and apologize and I did get another nasty name calling text back. I sat with it for a couple hours debating on just sucking it up and taking my just punishments or showing H. Ultimately I did show H because I don't want to hide anything from him anymore. We had a good talk he did say that it was unacceptable and he will talk to her. I let him know that I just simply want civility and in no way expect for her to forgive me.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> So update: I texted her last night to meet and apologize and I did get another nasty name calling text back. I sat with it for a couple hours debating on just sucking it up and taking my just punishments or showing H. Ultimately I did show H because I don't want to hide anything from him anymore. We had a good talk he did say that it was unacceptable and he will talk to her. I let him know that I just simply want civility and in no way expect for her to forgive me.


Sounds like a solid course of action and nothing being asked of her or your H is out of the ordinary or realm of acceptability.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

TryingToRecover said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I realize every family is different but it never crossed my mind my WS should apologize to anyone but me. He didn't cheat on my family.



I think that's it exactly. He took vows with you, not your family. IMO a WS in R should focus 100% on healing the relationship with their BS. worrying about how in-laws or others are feeling would make an already tough process even more demanding....needlessly.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

nuclearnightmare said:


> I think that's it exactly. He took vows with you, not your family. IMO a WS in R should focus 100% on healing the relationship with their BS. worrying about how in-laws or others are feeling would make an already tough process even more demanding....needlessly.


Guess I have a totally different view of marriage and joining someone's family and them joining mine. I know my mother viewed my x wife as her daughter. My mom had two sons and always wanted to do girly things and got the opportunity to do so with my x wife. She was heartbroken over her betrayal. .

So guess this is a case of everyone has their own view on things. Probably depends on how close knit your family is to begin with...mine is very close.


To OP. I applaud you for trying to step up and apologize. If she doesn't want to hear it I stand by my original statement that your husband now needs to handle this, Maybe the SIL was cheated on and is triggering?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> All comments are welcome........there is nothing that has been typed here that hasn't been said to me or I haven't said to myself.
> 
> So update: I texted her last night to meet and apologize and I did get another nasty name calling text back. I sat with it for a couple hours debating on just sucking it up and taking my just punishments or showing H. Ultimately I did show H because I don't want to hide anything from him anymore. We had a good talk he did say that it was unacceptable and he will talk to her. I let him know that I just simply want civility and in no way expect for her to forgive me.


Hey you did what you could. You extended the olive branch. If she wants to act sh!tty then that is to her discredit, not yours.

Concentrate your energies on helping your husband heal and re establishing trust. Don't waste energy tilting windmills.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope your SIL with back off now.

Good thing you did show it to your H.

I do hope you realize that your H is so much more of a man than the OM. 


Good luck, it is hard, but if you and your H continue to talk about the A, know that from Peggy Vaughn's e-book (help for therapist and their clients) that 86% that discussed the situation a lot were still married. The percentage goes down for those that have fewer discussions. (at least in this study).

So if you want your H, talk a lot. If you want out, rug sweep.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Great,

You've learned and grew. Like Bandit says, focus your energy and love on your husband and family!


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Trish78 said:


> All comments are welcome........there is nothing that has been typed here that hasn't been said to me or I haven't said to myself.
> 
> So update: I texted her last night to meet and apologize and I did get another nasty name calling text back. I sat with it for a couple hours debating on just sucking it up and taking my just punishments or showing H. Ultimately I did show H because I don't want to hide anything from him anymore. We had a good talk he did say that it was unacceptable and he will talk to her. I let him know that I just simply want civility and in no way expect for her to forgive me.


Was his call and he did it! 

I am glad for you and your kids.

:smthumbup:


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

harrybrown said:


> I hope your SIL with back off now.
> 
> Good thing you did show it to your H.
> 
> ...


There is no possible scale that can measure how much better my H is than OM!

I have to check out that e-book as well. We set aside two nights a week where we put the kids to bed and we talk for two hours, no tv, no devices etc. Some nights are fighting.......some are crying.........most are productive


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

This is a good book as well...

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald: 9781450553322: Amazon.com: Books


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

One observation if you don't mind: seeing that you are set on R and assuming you want it to succeed - pay attention to how you communicate especially around your H's family. Remember, they don't see your actions, they judge you by the way you are communicating. The reason I'm writing this is that - purely based on your posts here - sometimes IMHO your comms may create the wrong impression. 

Apologies for sounding academic 




Trish78 said:


> There is no possible scale that can measure how much better my H is than OM!
> 
> I have to check out that e-book as well. We set aside two nights a week where we put the kids to bed and we talk for two hours, no tv, no devices etc. Some nights are fighting.......some are crying.........most are productive


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Well you did right she had no right to call you names. But she does have the right to have nothing to do with you and if I was her that's the way I would go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Be hyper sensitive on how you communicate with your husband. Be aware of how he may interpret what you say. What's happened is the worst possible thing that can happen in marriage. 

Show your love, apologize, work yourself back into his heart. Work like you've never done in your life.

When the folks here understand your heart and see your absolute remorse, you will get an outpouring of support. Expect to be beat on too.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

sammy7111 said:


> But she does have the right to have nothing to do with you and if I was her that's the way I would go.


But you are not her.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> On the day that I left my wife a little over two years ago, she called my brother in a panic, tearfully confessing what she'd done, and hoping to get him to go after me. If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business. If he'd ignored me, I'd have driven to his house, walked in via the front door, and knocked the unholy blue f*ck out of him.


I do know you Uncle Buck!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business. If he'd ignored me, I'd have driven to his house, walked in via the front door, and knocked the unholy blue f*ck out of him.


Seems rather extreme.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Seems rather extreme.


Good old 'not letting anyone to f%$#k with my wife, my car and my rifle's principle


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Seems rather extreme.


Again, you'd have to know my brother...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> I do know you Uncle Buck!


:scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Turin74 said:


> Good old 'not letting anyone to f%$#k with my wife, my car and my rifle's principle


More or less.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> :scratchhead:


Maybe this will help you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Maybe this will help you.


Oh, I've seen the movie. I just didn't see how what I posted made you think of it. I dunno, maybe it's been too long since I've seen it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Hi Trish, I haven't read all the responses but I think you are just going to have to give her time.

My SIL is (was?) having an affair and moved out last December. She has now decided she wants to come back home and reconcile. Supposedly she and my BIL (my husband's brother) are going to counseling.

The last thing my husband wants is to see SIL's face again. He has been his brother's confidant and support through the whole ordeal. She has lied and hurt my BIL so much. My husband had be there the first night after she moved out and had their kids at her new apartment for the first time because he was afraid his brother would be depressed and would do something to himself. So now, if they reconcile, my husband is just supposed to forget all that? We all are? I've known my BIL since he was 13 years old, he's like a little brother to me. I can't just forgive and forget that easily. If she is sincere, she is going to have to prove herself to me and my husband. We can be civil but I'm not going throw open my arms and welcome her back like nothing happened. Actually, my husband is going to be a tougher nut to crack.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Your husband needs to step up and tell his sister to back off.


But only in the sense of "going out of her way to be mean".

The sister doesn't have to even speak to her at family functions or have anything to do with Trish.

I know if my brother's wife had cheated on him, it would be a speak when spoken to deal with me. I'd be civil for my brother's sake, but I wouldn't have anything to do with her other than being in the same room and not interacting with her any more than I'd have to.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Turin74 said:


> One observation if you don't mind: seeing that you are set on R and assuming you want it to succeed - pay attention to how you communicate especially around your H's family. Remember, they don't see your actions, they judge you by the way you are communicating. The reason I'm writing this is that - purely based on your posts here - sometimes IMHO your comms may create the wrong impression.
> 
> Apologies for sounding academic
> 
> ...


wrong impression how so? I really appreciate the insight.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

vellocet said:


> But only in the sense of "going out of her way to be mean".
> 
> The sister doesn't have to even speak to her at family functions or have anything to do with Trish.
> 
> I know if my brother's wife had cheated on him, it would be a speak when spoken to deal with me. I'd be civil for my brother's sake, but I wouldn't have anything to do with her other than being in the same room and not interacting with her any more than I'd have to.


:iagree:


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Yes she is married. I guess what I don't understand is she knows H has forgiven me and yes he used those words....still we have a lot of work and I have a lot of trust to rebuild and time.......but she knows I hurt her brother but that ultimately we do love each other still........what is the purpose of holding onto the hate. She sees him happy now......wouldn't she rather he be happy?


Sure, what she doesn't want is for him to be happy and you do it again. Whether or not you think you will do it again is irrelevant. His sister knows its more than a possibility now that you have done it once.




> or just have us split and him be unhappy yet again?


He'd be unhappy that his marriage failed if that happened. But he would get over it and find someone else and be happy again.



> Really i'm not trying to avoid blame.......just trying to really understand her point of view here.


Her point of view? Probably a lot like mine if my brother's wife cheated on him, and also because I have been cheated on.

And that POV would be me knowing that although my brother would claim to love her, and perhaps he does, it still won't erase the mind movies and the days where he triggers. I don't exactly call that happy, perhaps happy enough, or happy that he didn't have to go through the pains of divorce.

My POV would also be that if my brother's wife cheated on him once, then she has proven that she has it as part of her character to allow herself to cheat and wouldn't want my brother giving her a 2nd chance to do it to him again in the future.

The other POV she may be holding is that of imagining you riding another man behind your brother's back. She is looking at you and feels that her brother can do much better. One of the things that nobody thinks about, but doesn't want for their siblings, children, or parents is for their spouses to f*** someone behind their back. 

And trust me, even though the other family members are civil, don't think they have completely forgiven you. They more than likely are supporting their brother/son/nephew and getting along for his sake.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Lila said:


> I agree with some of the other posts in that you should offer your SIL the olive branch. She doesn't have to like you* but she has to be civil*, for the kids and your husband's benefit.


After thinking about this, she doesn't have to be civil. Incivility can come in the form of the SIL washing her hands of Trish and having nothing to do with her. That means the inappropriate words in front of the children would not happen, but by having nothing at all to do with her she is being passively uncivil, and she would be justified in that.


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> On the day that I left my wife a little over two years ago, she called my brother in a panic, tearfully confessing what she'd done, and hoping to get him to go after me. If he'd in any way berated, brow-beaten, or condemned her, either at that time or in the days, weeks, and months that followed, I'd have asked him ONCE to knock it off and to mind his own damn business.


Well as someone's brother, I reserve the right to condemn, it just doesn't have to be vocal and I would also reserve the right to not speak to her.

But if my brother told me that I need to be civil to her and interact with her( I know, slightly different than what you are saying here ), then I'd have told him, "Ok, but next time it happens, I don't want to hear about it and I don't want to hear you talk about it."


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


I thought you already reconciled? I thought the issue was your SIL.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> I recall when a poster here called Juicer demanded that someone on TAM stop bad mouthing his wife on the board.
> 
> She had cheated on him, they were going to get a divorce, true, but he still wouldn't let anyone speak bad of her.


And that's why it was easy for his wife to walk all over him.

Not because badmouthing her was right, but the attitude that he wants to protect her and put her on some pedestal and give her all the power.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who is the OM? Is he related to SIL in someway?


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Reconciling is a process though....neither one of us moved out....we've been reconciling for a year.....but we're in process. 

I just feel like a lot of the posters feel like ultimately think that its not possible.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


Trish R is a long road for a BS. It has been three years since I caught my wife. I still have very bad days

We had a false R at first that was due to my wife being in contact still with that POS OM

I had to come to grips that my old marriage was dead and I need to build a new one with my wife

It took awhile to get her to really answer all my questions, she says it was to spare my feelings it was more about not wanting to look like a cheap slu!

You need to show real remorse and realize he has a great deal of pain. Show him how much you really want him in the sack. It really is about his ego as well. You shot a whole in that.

You should tell us how R is going


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

The OM was my boyfriend years ago before I met H. He moved away, far.....and we ended the relationship because we were young and didn't want a long distance relationship. H didn't ever meet him.....knew OF him but never met. I met H about 3 months after. I simply ran into OM at a store locally he had moved back....he is unmarried. That said no.......i don't have any desire to talk to OM again ever.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


Yes. Many couples on TAM have survived and affair and are in successful R. But it is hard hard work and the odds are stacked against you.

Your husband is on an emotional roller-coaster. He's going to have dramatic mood swings. Some days will be really good,interspersed by really, really bad days where he calls you every nasty name in the book, and some you've never heard before. This is your penance. You had your fun, now you pay the piper. 

Are you being completely transparent with your husband? Does he have access to your phone at all times? 

Do you let your husband see your internet history whenever he wants . No deleting stuff?

Is the other man completely out of your life? 

Was the OM married? Has the OM's wife been notified of the affair? 

Have you provided your husband with a timeline of the affair, how and when it's tarted and the approximate dates of your trysts? 

Have you told your husband everything? 

Did you do things sexually for the OM that you had beforehand refused to do with your husband? If so did you have an answer as to why?


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

Total transparency.....

The first thing i did was have our lawyer draft a letter to OM threatening harrassment if he should contact myself or H again and cc'd H on it. He has all of my passwords and sites on all of my devices. All credit card bill, cell phone stay sealed and are opened by him. I provided him with a timeline and answered all of his questions. 

R is going well he doesnt' call me names.....we tell each other we love each other but then things like this with SIL come up and it's a setback....but i guess that's the way R goes.

I know I might get reamed for saying this but sometimes i feel hopeless in this process and i know he must too just need some hope sometimes.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


I am late to the party. Sounds like you are getting some good advice on the SIL.

R is possible. The question for many of us is what is better?

You sound like one of those who are making positive steps to work through a R.

The choice is no longer yours to make. It is up to your husband.

Trickle truth and blame-shifting kills the marriage for most BSs.

One other thing to consider is his ability to deal with the unfairness. It can haunt us as we look deep into our souls.

Make yourself into a decent person. If he eventually ends it, you will be in a better position to let him go peacefully. You will be in a better position to pick up your pieces and move ahead. Learn from it. Many WSs never do.

There are no guarantees or crystal balls. You do have some courage for facing the music. Build upon it. Set a course based on core values including honesty and fidelity. They will serve you well regardless of your marital outcome.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope



yes it is. 
if you both sincerely want it and are willing to honestly talk through the incredibly painful times, yes it is possible.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Total transparency.....
> 
> The first thing i did was have our lawyer draft a letter to OM threatening harrassment if he should contact myself or H again and cc'd H on it.


Really? Maybe I missed it, but if OM isn't a stalker and doesn't intend to not honor any request for NC, why are you, someone that willingly had an affair with him, treating him like a criminal.

Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no respect of love for people that sleep with other peoples' spouses, but is he constantly contacting you or something? Is he harassing you or H?


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## Trish78 (Jul 8, 2014)

vellocet said:


> Really? Maybe I missed it, but if OM isn't a stalker and doesn't intend to not honor any request for NC, why are you, someone that willingly had an affair with him, treating him like a criminal.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I have absolutely no respect of love for people that sleep with other peoples' spouses, but is he constantly contacting you or something? Is he harassing you or H?


I broke off affair with OM before H found out. OM contacted H and told him then kept contacting me after I made it clear I was staying with H. I then blocked him from everything when he would make a new e-mail address and contact me again. Hence the letter.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> I had an affair and my husband found out.....we are working on mending our relationship and he and i both are committed to staying together. The affair was the biggest error in judgment I have ever made and I am fully committed to providing him with full transparency etc.
> 
> That said.....during the "fallout" period after he found out about the affair and our future was uncertain he confided in his sister and all of his family about the affair.....all of the details. Most of his family has accepted me back and after some period of awkwardness I am mending those relationships as well. With one exception, my sister in law.
> 
> ...


There is a place I keep in my heart (a compartment) for those family members that are proven to be dangerous by their thoughts or actions. Your DH has let you back in (a little at least), but your SIL will not let you back in. Your actions created this situation with your SIL and your actions are needed to fix it with her.

This might be hard to understand, but you have harmed your SIL emotionally. Humans take revenge when their hurts are not met with empathy and healed. It would be inappropriate for your DH to intervene in your relationship with your SIL other than to say how her treatment of you affects him and your children. Figure out what your SIL needs to move the relationship from hate to love (or indifference). Some people will never let you out of the compartment, but that does not give them license to be abusive.

I am also a BS, and I do understand why your presence at family functions might anger your DL. The emotions in the room with the people he loves can be overwhelming ... He feels he did nothing to deserve this. Why should he have to endure so much for something you did? Any yet, if he decides to R with you, he must agree to accept this pain. Do what it takes to repair this and do it for everyone your DH loves.

I think to myself ... If my WS had struck me across the head with a cast iron frying pan or stabbed me ... at least I would have seen it coming.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> I broke off affair with OM before H found out. OM contacted H and told him then kept contacting me after I made it clear I was staying with H. I then blocked him from everything when he would make a new e-mail address and contact me again. Hence the letter.


Ok, that makes sense then.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Trish78 said:


> Total transparency.....
> 
> The first thing i did was have our lawyer draft a letter to OM threatening harrassment if he should contact myself or H again and cc'd H on it. He has all of my passwords and sites on all of my devices. All credit card bill, cell phone stay sealed and are opened by him. I provided him with a timeline and answered all of his questions.
> 
> ...


Trish...

Eight months is a long, long time. This wasn't a one night stand. You willingly had sex repeatedly with another man for two thirds of a year. You lied for eight months. You lived a second life behind your husbands back for eight months. You humiliated him in front of family and friends. 

For two thirds of a year you were basically married to your ex boyfriend, and play acting wife to your husband. That is an enormous betrayal and equally devastating deception. 

Count yourself lucky hubby did not kick you out on the street. So if it seems reconciliation is not going along fast enough for you...we'll...I'm sorry to say this but you need to suck it up and ride the wave for as long as it goes, which could be years.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you say that it seems hopeless ? Don't you see any progress ?

What was/is your plan ? Are you pro-actively doing anything ? How do you plan to fix this ?


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

When I was reading your earlier posts I had an impression/glimpse of "we are in R, I'm entitled to be defended by my H, what's her problem" etc attitude.

I'm not saying it is the case (honestly don't have an idea), possibly it is just my impression over the way you post. But you know, even if it is entirely wrong, others - who matter to you - may have the same impression. After all, you may be a model remorseful wife at home, but they only see how you communicate around them, and it looks like your H is not a zealous defender of you right now (who could blame him)

Disclaimer: my perception only.




Trish78 said:


> Turin74 said:
> 
> 
> > One observation if you don't mind: seeing that you are set on R and assuming you want it to succeed - pay attention to how you communicate especially around your H's family. Remember, they don't see your actions, they judge you by the way you are communicating. The reason I'm writing this is that - purely based on your posts here - sometimes IMHO your comms may create the wrong impression.
> ...


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope


R works for some. Not everyone. It's a very hard road. The betrayed spouse can sometimes get beyond it but they never forget it. I was in R for 30 years until my husband cheated again and I divorced him. My experience was that divorce was far easier than R.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Trish78 said:


> Does anyone believe R is possible? I read more of the board i'm honestly losing hope



I believe it is possible and there are examples to be found on this board. I'm no expert in R, but think it would require significant commitment and effort and patience. 

Don't get discouraged.
WD


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Trish

Of course R is possible.

I always say this.

It takes two people to get married.

But it only takes one to destroy a marriage.

The key to Reconciliation us that you both want to be with each other, love each other, respect each other and most importantly be honest with each other.

You have to start first. But your H needs to be engaged 100% as well.

It rakes two to fix the relationship and nurture it back to health.

Keep your chin up. Keep fighting for him everyday. 

And make sure he is fighting for you as well.

HM


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trish78 said:


> I had an affair and my husband found out.....we are working on mending our relationship and he and i both are committed to staying together. The affair was the biggest error in judgment I have ever made and I am fully committed to providing him with full transparency etc.
> 
> That said.....during the "fallout" period after he found out about the affair and our future was uncertain he confided in his sister and all of his family about the affair.....all of the details. Most of his family has accepted me back and after some period of awkwardness I am mending those relationships as well. With one exception, my sister in law.
> 
> ...


The most effective way to stop her, I think, is to wait until the entire family is together, let everyone know you'd like to speak, stand up, admit your affair to everyone, tell them you're spending the rest of your life trying to make it up to your H, their family member, and while you know they don't have to forgive you, you're asking for HIS sake that they at least try to accept his decision to let you back in. Tell them you expect no sympathy or kindness, that your main concern is that your H suffers no further for your actions. Then see what happens. If she continues, you could try honing in on her the next time, around a smaller group of just him, her, and his folks - and ask her to please try to give you another chance.

And if she chooses not to, you'll just have to bare it.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

Hi Trish

I am a BS and an only child. I have very little patience for meddling family members. A long time ago, I was envious of sibling relationships. Not so much anymore because, let's face it, for every good sibling, there is a toxic one.

It sounds like you and your H have done a lot of hard work in R. Please do not lose hope because of your meddling SIL. You do not deserve verbal abuse from her because of your A. This is between you and your H. Yes, you did betray the entire family, but it is the marriage that is the primary concern here. Also, it sounds like you have taken productive steps to address the hurt of your extended family, The SIL is hanging onto her anger.

She is not a good aunt. She is demeaning her niece's/nephew's mother in front of them. There are serious consequences to children long term when they loose respect for their parent. However you choose to deal with your children is up to you and your H. Your SIL has not part in it. In fact, I think of many divorced parents who overcome their differences and hurts to act in the best interests of the children. Your SIL is putting her needs ahead of your children, she needs to grow up.

Your SIL is not a good sister. Your H is an adult - right? She should be respecting his decision to R with you. Instead she is undermining the process. Does she know better than he? Trish, unless your SIL is a BS herself, she cannot possibly understand the thought process that goes into whether a BS stays or goes. Has she put as much into your marriage as you and your H have? Has she educated herself about infidelity? (By the way, I hope you and your H have read Not Just Friends). Trish, your H has invested much pain in R'ing with you. In fact, it is harder to R than it is to D. Apparently your SIL is willing to throw away your H's emotional investment in his marriage this past year, simply because she no longer likes you.

Every relationship has boundaries. You crossed your marital boundaries in the worse possible way and you are working to restore the damage you have done. You and your H need to reflect again on the boundaries of your marriage and where your SIL stands. You let OM into your marriage. Sounds like SIL is smack dab in the middle of your marriage now. Just as your H and you did with OM, you need to present a united front to your SIL about what is and is not appropriate around you and your children. The way I see it, as of this moment, your SIL is as toxic to the marriage as the original A was.

Hopefully your H will get through to her but if he doesn't, cut ties with her. 

Keep fighting for your marriage Trish.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

If my brother's wife cheated on him, I would not do as this SIL is doing to Trish with regards to berating her in front of the kids. That's not right and I wouldn't do that to my nephews/nieces.

Now if my brother came to me in a calm way and told me I need to get over what happened and be civil, I'd tend to honor his request, even though I would simply ignore his wife.

But if he came to me loaded for bear and defends her to the hills and treats me like a bastard when I had his back, I'd be telling him "when it happens again, don't come crying to me or anyone else in the family. And if you are having marital problems, keep it to yourself."


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> Also realize that your affair has changed things permanently. They may never look at you the same way again.


Guaranteed they won't. It's incredibly difficult for the BS family to stomach it when said BS takes back a cheater. "Grin and bear it" is as good as it gets for them. My folks were totally decent to my stbxww when we were in false R. But that's because they knew it was only a matter of time until I would end it and divorce. They were right.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Trish78 said:


> Yes she is married. I guess what I don't understand is she knows H has forgiven me and yes he used those words....still we have a lot of work and I have a lot of trust to rebuild and time.......but she knows I hurt her brother but that ultimately we do love each other still........what is the purpose of holding onto the hate. She sees him happy now......wouldn't she rather he be happy? or just have us split and him be unhappy yet again?
> 
> Really i'm not trying to avoid blame.......just trying to really understand her point of view here.


She can't help it. It's the way she feels about you. You earned that hate. It may fade over time, but she will always resent you for hurting her brother in such a vicious way. Sounds like a loving sister.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Trish78 said:


> I do forget that it is a betrayal of them.




Geeeeez:scratchhead:....

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

cool12 said:


> yes it is.
> if you both sincerely want it and are willing to honestly talk through the incredibly painful times, yes it is possible.



...and incredibly painful & raw as can be. R bring one to meet themselves in ways they never have before, because reality is, the ww really makes us ask, horrible questions, things such as... "Do we want you?" Do we love you? Do we know you?"

Once the bs is at a place where questions are thought out within themselves & healing begin, can R start, and only then. 
It does not even matter what route one take, D or R, because until the bs is at that place in time, will nothing come together. 

D may help to detach, but you still have to come to that same acceptance, as acceptance too must be met inside oneself first for R as well. 

It is only when that peace inside is met for the bs, can R with a ww be offered and begin...

...then it may be possible. 


~sammy


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

He definitely needs to tell sister to be coldly professional. She does NOT have to be nice. She simply needs to be quiet.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Your husband needs to step up and tell his sister to back off.


The OP's husband probably relishes what his sister is doing a bit.

He knows he can't let all of his anger out because it will destroy the R. But he can live vicariously through his sister.

Frankly, OP, you made this bed. This is a consequence. Sorry.

You screwed over and betrayed this woman's brother, whom she obviously loves. She doesn't owe you anything. I bet over time, civility will come back, but this is still raw. Did you expect everyone to be civil with you?

PS DO NOT put any blame on your husband about his sister's reaction. DO NOT think things like "if you just didn't tell them" blah blah. He had every right and frankly NEED to go to his family during such a brutal time in his life.

I think you don't completely grasp the level of hurt and betrayal your H feels. Even though you are taking responsibility, your descriptions seem like you made a minor offense, not the earth shattering thing an affair truly is.


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## Markymark (May 12, 2017)

Absolutely right. This is not on your husband. He did not choose to cheat. You did. You made the mess. You clean it up. He may have contributed to the marriage not being the greatest but that is where his responsibility ends. The problem is between you and your sister in law. Don't drag your husband into the mess you created. People need to understand this which is something that some of us get and others do not. There are things that you do in life that other people will not forgive you for. It is just that simple. Not everybody is your mother. When you do a ****ty thing expect ****ty consequences. Your husbands sister may never forgive you. Live with it. Its part of your penance.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Markymark...

Look at the dateydate....

This thread is close to three years old. 


Sir MattMatt! Slay this zombie!


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