# just need to rant....



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I feel like my life hadn't truly begun until I met him. I was wounded, scared, and cynical. He broke down all my walls, helped me begin to heal. He laughed when I overreacted or acted crazy. He'd just hug me and tell me he loved me. When I stumbled, he grabbed my hand. When I doubted myself, he had faith. I was finally that woman, the complete focus of someone's love and affection. And he was so cute, god, little boy smile, gray green eyes that gave me goosebumps when they looked at me. His life had been so hard that I was utterly impressed with his unwavering optimism and laid back attitude. Yet I could see his pain underneath it, things no one else had taken the time to notice. We were from two completely different worlds, but the attraction between us was too strong for us to ignore. He had no car, no money, lived in a very low rent side of town. But I didn't care, I had never met anyone with his spirit, his enthusiasm. He was larger than life almost. We had a lot of tragedy early in our relationship. A death, a miscarriage, and a horrible incident between him and his brother. But it just made us stronger, more bonded. I gave myself to him so completely, without reservation. I knew I had to help him see that he was better than the life he'd been born into. I worked so he could go to college, living in a dump next to project housing. Crack *****s walking around, cops breaking up domestic disputes, drug deals, etc. But we were good, happy together. We had never even had a real fight up to this point. We just talked, worked things out. Through his brother, his friend, and his mother staying with us at one time or another, we still got along, we were still happy. At a time when most couples would be stressed to the breaking point, we had no money, he wasn't working, and I got pregnant. His brother had just gone to jail, his mother was falling apart. None of it mattered. We had each other. 

Now I hardly know the man looking at me behind those beautiful eyes. He's hurt me in a way I wouldn't have believed him capable of a year ago. My marriage is dissolving at an alarming rate and I am powerless to stop it. I keep praying that I will wake up from this nightmare, but that's not going to happen. I don't know how we got here, and I don't know how to get us out of here, in one piece. I built my whole life, my whole world, around him, which was a mistake I know, but I helped him. I know and so does he, that I helped save him from a life that would have just ended up putting him back in jail eventually. So I guess maybe that's all I was meant to do and now our lives must go their separate ways. I just don't know how to deal with all this. Even now, after 3 months, I'm still in a state of shock. I looked for this man my whole life, and now I'm going to lose him. This can't be right.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm so sorry honey. I can read the hurt in you throughtout your post. I don't have any great advice for you, just wanted you to know that I heard you and that you both helped each other, so I know that you will be able to pull yourself back up from all of this. Shock is a miserable thing, but it will pass. Best of luck and post more to get it all out if you can.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Wow, I too can see the pain, I'm sorry!!


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

uummm did I miss something? I see that you are in horrible pain and I feel for you but no one can give you any advice with the information you have given. What has suddenly happened to change everything? What has he done that hurts you so?


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I have posted before about what happend, but basically after 10 years and 2 kids, he's decided that he doesn't love me anymore and had an affair, wants to be with other people. I'm not enough anymore.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

That was beautifully written. Very powerful. 

I can see you continue to devalue yourself--and maybe you are in counseling for this--and I will wait to see (sooner or later) your outwardly directed anger (yours toward him) and, eventually, the realization that you are 100% better off without someone as pathetic as the person he has become. I am looking forward to your angry rant--you have a way with words, and, more importantly, it will signify that you are beginning to let go. 

We're here for you, and keep ranting. You know where you need to get, and you'll get there. God bless.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thank you Sisters. I do have my angry moments, and have written quite a few of those letters you don't intend to give. It's hard right now, because he's home. He left for 2 weeks, stayed in our pop up camper at a friends house, until he got laid off suddenly and they had to move. He came back here with the intentions of finding a roommate or something, but the simple math is there's no way he can afford it. Not when he plans to continue paying the bills here. I can't afford our rent without him, and our paychecks together don't leave much left over. The worst part is we still get along great, had a great weekend, almost like things were normal, but I know they aren't. I want to be able to throw him out, but then I look at our kids, and I just can't do it. Not yet anyway. Thanks for the support, and I will keep you updated. Oh, yes, I'm in therapy, have been since before this all came out. I have severe clinical depression and believe that part of this stems from the person I became because of that.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Today I have decided to listen to my heart. I know that he has done some very hurtful and selfish things and that right now he doesn't deserve me, but my heart keeps telling me not to give up. That one day he will realize the amazing woman that I am and also that I never faltered in my love for him. There may come a time when I am able to walk away from him but not yet.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Can't,
You are a wonderful person. I have read many of your posts and I truly feel for you. Only you will be able to decide when enough is enough. Until then, you are in my thoughts and I wish you nothing but the very best in life. You are worth so much!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thank you Brennan. That means so much to me. I wish good things for all of us here, there's so much pain and confusion in this forum that it's almost overwhelming, but at least we have each other.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Just wanted to mention that his mom called yesterday because I hadn't called in her in a while, thought I was mad at her. I told her that he had moved back in cuz he had nowhere else to go, and proceeded to tell her about my living hell. She knew about the affair and the other problems, but didn't know he was home. She asked me what was wrong with him and I should make him go to counseling. So after I told her that I couldn't make him do anything, she advised that she would talk to him, and she was not happy. Not that it will make a difference, but I thought it was kind of funny. I also told her that the bottom line was he was a selfish, immature pri**k who felt like he hadn't gotten enough strange before he got married. She kind of went off on that one and said she was gonna kick his [email protected]@. I wish I could've listened in on the tongue lashing he received when he called her. Gonna call her later and find out what was said. I'm hoping she can at least convince him to go to therapy.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Go Mom! Nothing like the power of Mom. A man doesn't like to get a tongue lashing from his mother as a child and especially not as an adult. They spend their life trying to please Mom.
Quick story for you.....a guy cheats on his wife. Wife finds out. He refuses counseling. "All men cheat, it's in our nature to want different." Wife calls his mother and tells her. Mom calls her son telling him nothing about what she knows just that she wants to see him, his wife and their children for Easter. He is thrilled.
The big day arrives and he is at the airport, flowers in hand. She comes out of the terminal, he hands her the flowers and tries to give her a hug. She throws the flowers to the ground and slaps him across the face. She tells him that she did not raise her son to be a liar and a cheater. Fast forward 3 hours. Still at the airport. He is sobbing like a baby. This, a former USMC. She turns around, checks in and boards the plane. He calls after her but she doesn't respond. She just gets in the plane. Fast forward 4 hours. He calls her and says "Mom, you didn't have to spend the money just to tell me what you did". Her response, "yes I did, I wanted you to see the disappointment in my eyes. I wanted you to see what I think of you now. I wanted to make sure that you will always remember this look in my eyes. You let your wife down, yourself down and me down. Remember that". He started counseling the very next day.
That mother is my co-worker. She is one tough ass lady. Go Mom!!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Dang, go mom. Well, what his mom says to him now is irrelevant. It's 100% over. I made the mistake of looking through his phone, on a hunch, and looking through his pics. Guess what, he took pictures of his crime, so now I know what the other woman looks like naked, giving him oral, etc. The images are permanently burned into my brain, which I regret, but on the other hand it makes ending this much easier.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Oh Jesus! There isn't enough bleach on the planet that you can pour into your eyes to get those images out of your mind. That is awful, just awful. Are you considering an attorney yet? You really should. He isn't thinking about his family at all and you need to make certain to protect yourself and children. Lawyers are expensive but you will need one. If you cannot afford to hire a lawyer there are tons of lawyers who volunteer through Legal Aid. They have a chapter in just about every city. I am not a lawyer but work with many and it is pretty much expected that all of them do put in a certain number of hours per year of pro bono work. 
I think you have really endured more than any wife should. Your attitude has been somewhat positive throughout, perhaps thinking that he would change, see the light, etc. Maybe he will but you still need to protect yourself. File for legal separation or you can file for divorce. Sometimes this is a wake up call of sorts for the other spouse. I wouldn't do it for that though. If he does "wake up" and is willing to go to intensive therapy then great. File because you need to protect yourself. You really need to. There is no telling what he might be capable of and who is giving him ideas. These horror stories include (from both men and women) that the spouse cleans out bank accounts, transfers money, sells cars, jewelry, family heirlooms, etc. Maybe that doesn't apply to you but what if he took out $200 that you needed for the light bill? What then? You need to protect yourself. Also, nothing you do right now has to be permanent. You can always withdraw a separation or divorce petition. He may very well have a "come to Jesus moment" but at this point I wouldn't let him call the shots with you waiting in the wings figuring out what is next.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

He's moving out, we have found a couple places we might be able to afford. It's going to stretch us tight, but there are several programs where I live that I can get help from once he's gone. He has apologized profusely for taking the pictures and not deleting them, but he has not once apologized for the actual act. I am so torn apart inside, wanting to keep my family together but not being able to ever forgive him. We talked a lot last night and earlier, but he's still leaving. I asked him last night how a person who has more than they ever thought they would, could think that it wasn't enough. He couldn't answer that. He said he still has feelings for me, and that we do get along well, have fun together, etc., but that something is missing. Guess it's the grass is greener mentality. I don't know, there is something very seriously wrong with him, but he refuses to admit or seek help. He's not the man I married, I don't know who he is. How could I have been so wrong for so long? How could my life go from being so good to being so awful? The sick thing, I know I'm going to get heat for this, but I just can't stop thinking about all the things we're never going to do together again. Today we took the kids to the park together for the last time. We're not going to have that trip to Disney. I'm never going to hold him, kiss him, feel him again. I'm not going to be able to tell my kids "go show that to daddy", cuz he won't be here. We won't have each other to talk to when we had a bad day. I won't get to see him simle, hear his laugh, listen to him as he makes up silly songs while he's doing stuff around the house. We aren't going to ever be "us" again, and I just don't know how I'm going to get through it. My whole life is changing, spinning out of control. I should hate him, I should want to never see him again, but I don't. Because every now and then I can see my old husband, my best friend, peeking through. He's there, for an instant, and then gone again. I miss that man, so much that I can barely breathe, I can't sleep well, can't eat. The therapist told me to make an appt. with my doctor because I've lost 12lbs and my stomach hurts all the time. I take a few bites of something and am in pain for hours. She said it's probably anxiety, damn I'm already on anti depressants, now I need something for anxiety. Of course, then I get angry again because I also have to get an STD/HIV test done, because as the pictures clearly show, he didn't use anything.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

You know, this is the time that some things become reality. Love is a choice. And you choose to still love. But that is not a bad thing. 

It is possible to get through this. I have done it. In fact, I am still with my wife. And honestly, it was a blessing in disguise.... And he needs to get tested. ASAP. Because with a couple of the tests especially HIV, they test at 3 months from last act, and 6 months. And trust me, that sticks with you the whole time. 
It is such a shame when people follow their hearts. It is the most deceitful thing in this world. It is only out for the moment. People must lead their hearts to be happy all the time. 
My prayers are with you.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Cant,

Lordy I feel for you girl. I got that sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach when I read your update.

First Ill address the legal/ financial issue, YES, file for divorce and seperate financial responsibilities ASAP. You have to worry about you and the kids first. My other advice is to move out of Jax, cost of living there is way to high for a single mom. If you have a good job stay close enough to commute but get out of city limits.

Emotionaly, it does get easier. LOL I remember those feelings, the utter panic and feeling like you cant breathe when you just think about the things you mentioned in your post. I can almost feel them with you. The best advice I can give you is to focus on your kids, on making sure they know they are not to blame and that they will still see there dad, etc. DO NOT in any way let them hear the circumstances behind the split. There is no reason for them to know. I dont know how old they are but some memories go wayyyyyy back for kids and something they hear now might not be understood but as they get older and can understand they will remember. 

I dont think I could ever forgive something like this.... its one thing to find out for sure that your H is cheating without getting the details and possibly forgiving, but to actually have it stare you in the face. No amount of counseling, talking, crying, etc. will get those images out of your head.

Know that there are lots here who will have you in their minds and be rooting for you!! You can get through this.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

If I had the money I'd file for divorce tomorrow, but it costs over $400, and we don't ever have that much money at one time that isn't for bills or food. As far as protecting myself financially, I'm working on that. When I can get a day off of work I'm going to apply for daycare assistance, and once he's gone my best friend is moving in, she's in a dangerous situation and needs to get out. So we'll be cramped in here, because she also has a 3 year old, but we'll be able to eat and put our kids in school. 

Peas, my kids are 4 and 5, and we have both been very careful about what we say to them and around them. Unfortunately, I can't shield them from what's coming. He left for 2 weeks, and kept saying he didn't know when or if he was coming back, but the next time he leaves, it will be for certain that he's not coming back. If he has it in him to abandon his family in pursuit of something "better", then I don't want him back.

Even if he came back and put himself 100% back into this marriage, I don't think that I could ever trust him again, or not feel like he drove a knife through my heart. I still love him, but mixed with that is this poisonous hate, disgust, and desire for revenge. Right now though it's the only thing getting me through this.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

No you cant hide the fact of him leaving. What I am saying is that they NEVER need to know the circumstances behind it. 

I can remember as far back as when i was 3 1/2 to 4 when my parents were still together (they divorced when I was 4).

No matter what really horrible things he has done, it is not fair to visit that upon your children.

He may not love you, he may not love himself..... but he may love his children and its not right to come between him and them.... unless there are safety issues of course.

That said..... throw his Cr** out the door and change the locks!!!!

BTW, its $411 to file for divorce in the state of FL, and thats on top of any fees you may need to pay to have the papers drawn up. You should call legal aid and see if they will at least help you draw up legal seperation papers, if not help you with the whole divorce. In FL it is not required to be legaly seperated before filing for divorce but YOUR divorce could take time and you want to at least be covered legaly with child support. Last I knew State of FL requires (in your case) the father, to pay 33% of their income for child support. Also, something I wish someone would have told me, as long as your H has a legit job, in the divorce the judge will set payroll deduction orders for the child support. The state is known to take more time than I feel is needed to start forwarding those payments to you so make sure you save a little $$ for that time. My X gave me this BS that they were taking it out of his pay (it took 8-10 weeks before I got the first check) so as far as he was concerned he was doing his part, meanwhile I had no money for food or anything else for the kids....


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I would never try to come between my kids and their dad, or cause harm to that relationship. I have been trying my hardest to make sure that they understand daddy still loves them and will always be in their lives. 

$411 plus $20 to get the packet, plus the filing fees. Trust me, I've been doing a lot of research. As far as child support goes and all that other stuff, I'm doing my homework, applying for whatever state assistance I can. I know that my H would never let his kids go hungry or go without something, even if it meant he had to go without. His parenting skills were never an issue, just his partner skills. I am having a really hard time digesting all this, making me sick to my stomach doing what needs to be done to get all my ducks in a row, but I'm doing it.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

cantletgo~

I am not particularly encouraging this divorce because I personally believe that marriages can recover after an affair. However, I do believe you should know that there is an option for you. If you and your spouse cannot afford to pay the filing fees, you may ask the Court to waive the filing fees. If requesting a waiver, you will need to fill out an Affidavit of Indigency and file it with your Petition For Dissolution Of Marriage. 

You would pay the $20 for the packet, and whatever for serving him...but you petition the court to waive the divorce/filing fees or to give you payment options, etc. I've known of instances where a person had the filing fees completely waived and others where it was reduced and they were given months of time to pay (like the court made the cost $100 and they had four months to pay it off). You do have to file your income, expenses and some proof to support your claim but if you honestly can not afford it, there are options. 

And again I want to remind you that it is possible to recover after an affair--if you want to go that route, I'd be happy to try to help.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Well, I'm not the one who wants this divorce, I'm not the one who wants out of this relationship. He does. He doesn't want to be married with kids anymore. He doesn't love me and he wants to see what else is out there. I've done everything I can to try and fix this, to try and make him want to stay, but it's no use.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

cantletgo said:


> If I had the money I'd file for divorce tomorrow, but it costs over $400, and we don't ever have that much money...


I'm sorry cantletgo--when you said this I thought you meant that you have decided to file but can't right now for financial reasons. I thought your mind was made up. If your mind is made up, there is that option for you to include the Affidavit (to waive the fees) and file it with your Petition For Dissolution Of Marriage. If you wanted to, you could file, pack his things, put them in the garage and change the locks...send him packing and if he can't afford it, too darn bad! :cussing:

If it is not, I'd say there are things you can do to help end the affair and recover your marriage. My point here is not to try to tell you what to do, or whether you should file or not. You have every moral right to do so, and he is the one who broke the vows. I'm just saying that both ways, whichever way you turn, there are options.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I can't throw him out. It's just not in me to do that. He will find another place to live, hopefully soon. And if I filed for divorce, being perfectly honest with myself, it would only be in the hopes of waking him up. But I know that he would sign the papers and not even bat an eye. I don't know why I want this man, except that we have 10 years, 2 kids, and a wealth of memories that still bring me smiles. I know this has more to do with him than me, because I know I was a good wife, but doesn't make it hurt any less.


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## PeasNCarrots (Apr 5, 2010)

Cant....

No matter what advice anyone gives you, including me, the ultimate decision is yours, & I guess his to an extent.

I know it feels horrible, that you love someone that much and that they can just walk away. That may be something that cant be fixed. You have to decide if you can deal with that.

And then you add financial strain to it all..... you have to decide... "hhmm do I stay till I can hide enough money to take care of everything? How do I sit here day after day knowing how he feels and knowing how much I love him, without just screaming?"
Trust me Im there.

Does he in any way, shape, or form seem to want to work on your relationship at all? If he doesnt you will not change his mind and you might as well cut your losses before you loose your sanity.

I didnt know the courts would waive fees in divorce cases, I know they will with orders of protection, but thats a safety issue most of the time so that makes it a little different. 

None of these are easy decisions and nothing will be resolved overnight.

Take care and Ill be keeping an eye out for updates.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

We talked more last night, and I think that where he is basically is that he has more growing up to do. He was deprived of some things, going to prison for 2 years, and then not having much of a life after that. It's not an excuse and I'm not condoning his behavior, but I guess I just need to let him go so he can "find himself". I don't know if we will ever reconcile, I'd like to think so, but I won't be counting on it. I just have to pull myself out of this dark place and carry on with my life. But I don't want my anger to taint our relationship or to control me. I have to let that go too. Thank god I'm already in therapy. : )


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget to go to Join the Live United Movement to find your local chapter and go to them for help.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

Thanks, I'll look into it. I am starting to see a pin prick of light in this darkness, and maybe, just maybe, I can get over him and find a real man, with real values and a sense of loyalty that my H just doesn't seem to posess. Thank you all so much for all the support. I didn't think it was really helping, but it is.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'll tell you a trend I've seen over the years of forums. All the people who find themselves in your place, and say the same things - I'll never be happy, he's the only one, no one will want me... - a few years down the road, guess what 90% of them say?

_"I can't believe I stuck around so long in that death spiral, when real happiness was out here just waiting for me."_


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