# Should I expose the affair?



## ChipperE

My husband started seeing a coworker three weeks into our separation. My husband has admitted that they flirted leading up to our separation and that as soon as he announced his separation that she began to say she wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I will say upfront that my H has gone through all his texts with me so I've seen the exchanges and believe that they back up his story. 

We are now reconciling, we are on session 10 of marriage counseling and he's switched jobs. They are completely NC and he broke it off with her prior to us getting back together. (they dated for about 6 weeks). Contacted him a few times after the break up, going as far as to leave letters on his car and on his desk (they were very much in the tone of "you broke my heart" "you are heartless" "you're a liar"). He has been very transparent with me, and he is taking all the steps the MC has suggested.

She has now backed off, however there's one thing that is bothering me. This woman has a fiance. She has 3 kids (her ex-husband has custody) and this guy does everything for them. He seems like a genuinely good guy. My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party. The story is that H was drunk and she left her fiance in their hotel room and said she was going to hang out with a girl from the office when, in fact, she was coming to my H's room. That night H ended up kicking her out of the room because he was drunk, couldn't perform and she got mad about it. 

Anyway, there's all the sordid details. Although I am working through my hurt and the fact that my H was with another woman, at least I know we were split up at the time. She was actively with her fiance, and this guy has no clue who he is marrying. I do NOT want revenge on her, although she has tried to start drama in my life. I just know I would want to know if it were me. Should I contact the fiance and let him know this, or leave it alone?


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## turnera

Some might say that since you are now in R, there's no reason. I usually say that. But considering the level of crap she pulls, I would feel responsible for letting the guy know. But I would do it anonymously so that she doesn't come after you guys.


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## ChipperE

turnera said:


> Some might say that since you are now in R, there's no reason. I usually say that. But considering the level of crap she pulls, I would feel responsible for letting the guy know. But I would do it anonymously so that she doesn't come after you guys.


That's definitely how I feel in some regards. I hate drama. I hate knowing I will hurt someone, but the guilt of knowing this genuinely nice guy is getting ready to make a HUGE mistake just kills me. I was thinking anonymously is the way to go.


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## Herschel

"My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party."

See, this may be something my buddy might say to me in this scenario and I'd be like, man you are a pig. This guy tells his wife he feels like an a-hole because he banged this woman in her bed she shares with her fiance. I don't get the justifications we allow ourselves to make in the sake of "reconciliation".


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## sokillme

I have read your post, you settle for so much less in your life. It's really depressing. 

Besides that you should always expose. There is never a reason not to unless it is to wait for a better deal, but only wait, always bring light to the darkness, it's good for society.


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## jb02157

The poor fiance has a right to know what has been going on and what he's about to marry. I would want to know if it where me.


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## turnera

I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

jb02157 said:


> The poor fiance has a right to know what has been going on and what he's about to marry. I would want to know if it where me.


I agree. You can do it anonymously. He has a right to know who he's about to marry. Then he can decide on his own.


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## jb02157

turnera said:


> I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


I'm glad you found out before you married him.


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## tropicalbeachiwish

turnera said:


> I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


That's awful.


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## JohnA

First the ex has custody of the children, why ? The more time goes by the deeper the fiancé becomes commited to the relationship, the children and her. There are many posts here and else where by BH just like him years later when the adultery cones out yet again. They are torn about divorcing because the children who need him and if he divorces he will be ripped out of their lives. 

So at least an anonymous email from a "co-worker" of hers to the fiancé and if posdible his family and friends.


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## Hope1964

Hell yes, tell that poor woman's fiance before he makes the biggest mistake of his life!!!!


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## manfromlamancha

Your husband shouldn't just feel like an A-hole, he IS an A-hole!!!

I am curious as to what you see in him to take him back after this! He is as big a [email protected] as she is! They both deserve to be run over by Karma bus!

As for the other betrayed spouse/bf, he absolutely deserves to know and your husband and her deserve to face the consequences - i.e. they should both take their lumps. I hope the fiancé finds out and kicks the sh!t out of your "husband". And then dumps her skanky a$$ !!!


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## Evinrude58

turnera said:


> I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


OMG That's freaking awful.


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## MJJEAN

Yes. Yes, you should tell the poor unsuspecting fiance. If I were him, I'd want to know.


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## 225985

If you are going to expose, you need to provide proof. Not just your words. 

Do you have proof to send the guy?


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## ulyssesheart

ChipperE said:


> I just know I would want to know if it were me. Should I contact the fiance and let him know this, or leave it alone?


Hell friggin yes, make sure he finds out. If necessary, show him the emails and other notes that she has left for him.

The OW does not have custody of her children? I can see why. She is a home breaker, and a horny, loose goose, as well. No morals, this bird.

You are a very good and very Chipper women to take your wayward husband back. 

Never chicken out, never let a female chicken hawk in heat, run rampant.


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## Hope1964

blueinbr said:


> If you are going to expose, you need to provide proof. Not just your words.
> 
> Do you have proof to send the guy?


No you don't. If you have it, great, he's more likely to listen, but you don't NEED to provide proof. He might already suspect anyway. If he chooses to ignore you because the lying wench lies, well, not much you can do about that.


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## Spicy

Ask yourself..."would I want someone to warn me?"

There is your answer.


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## 225985

Hope1964 said:


> No you don't. If you have it, great, he's more likely to listen, but you don't NEED to provide proof. He might already suspect anyway. If he chooses to ignore you because the lying wench lies, well, not much you can do about that.




Maybe then i will just anonymously tell your husband you are cheating and leave you to disprove it. Proof helps. Obviously OP has something to provide.


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## Hope1964

blueinbr said:


> Maybe then i will just anonymously tell your husband you are cheating and leave you to disprove it. Proof helps. Obviously OP has something to provide.


Be my guest. Want me to PM you his email address?

Seriously. Why do you feel the need to keep haranguing me about this and other stuff on the board this week? I don't get it :scratchhead:


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## 225985

Hope1964 said:


> Be my guest. Want me to PM you his email address?
> 
> 
> 
> Seriously. Why do you feel the need to keep haranguing me about this and other stuff on the board this week? I don't get it :scratchhead:




Uh, i posted to OP. It was YOU that had to disagree and post back to me.


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## Hope1964

blueinbr said:


> Uh, i posted to OP. It was YOU that had to disagree and post back to me.


Are we seeing the same screen? You quoted me, not OP.

Whatever. I'm leaving work and picking up the grandbaby for some one on one time with grammy tonight. Have a fun weekend!!


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## Openminded

By all means tell the OW's fiancé. He may not believe you but at least he can't say he wasn't warned.

As to your husband, I feel he separated to try her out. Be careful about how much you trust him going forward.


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## arbitrator

Openminded said:


> By all means tell the OW's fiancé. He may not believe you but at least he can't say he wasn't warned.
> 
> As to your husband, I feel he separated to try her out. Be careful about how much you trust him going forward.


*I think that you're right! I am furthermore in agreement with you that he really wants to take her out for a little "test drive" and to try to break her in real good!*


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## phillybeffandswiss

Hope1964 said:


> Are we seeing the same screen? You quoted me, not OP.
> 
> Whatever. I'm leaving work and picking up the grandbaby for some one on one time with grammy tonight. Have a fun weekend!!


Blue and I had a similar exchange, months ago, down to the "I wasn't positing at you," comment and being quoted as well. Just let it go


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## TheTruthHurts

No no no. You and your H contact the guy and your H ADMITS to sleeping with her.

He needs to do this and feel the shame and pain he has caused you and this guy. It's completely on him.

I would insist it be in person if at all possible

That way

- there is NO doubt for this guy
- H begins to get consequences and see the pain
- fiancé can choose in his heart to make your H the bad guy or assign some blame to his fiancé - it's totally up to him



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## NextTimeAround

turnera said:


> I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


Turnera, with hindsight, have you figured out how he was able to get away with cheating on you for so long? Did he travel a lot? Were there blackout times between you two, say for work reasons in which you expected not to hear from him?

Did he ever mention his ex gf? Presented her as just a friend? Was she a co-worker of his? (that's how my exBIL got away with his 6 year affair while married to my sister)

I think a reminder of all those little hints that we choose to ignore but should have followed up may help us all for the next time.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Your husband is quite the spin doctor, isn't he?

He's managed to paint himself just about as innocent as he can in this whole thing.

Nicely played.

Of course you should tell the fiance. But don't tell your husband before you do it because I can pretty much *guarantee* you he'll run RIGHT to the OW and warn her. You can BANK on that.


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## ConanHub

Tell.


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## nursejackie

^^yes


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## GusPolinski

ChipperE said:


> My husband started seeing a coworker three weeks into our separation. My husband has admitted that they flirted leading up to our separation and that as soon as he announced his separation that she began to say she wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I will say upfront that my H has gone through all his texts with me so I've seen the exchanges and believe that they back up his story.
> 
> We are now reconciling, we are on session 10 of marriage counseling and he's switched jobs. They are completely NC and he broke it off with her prior to us getting back together. (they dated for about 6 weeks). Contacted him a few times after the break up, going as far as to leave letters on his car and on his desk (they were very much in the tone of "you broke my heart" "you are heartless" "you're a liar"). He has been very transparent with me, and he is taking all the steps the MC has suggested.
> 
> She has now backed off, however there's one thing that is bothering me. This woman has a fiance. She has 3 kids (her ex-husband has custody) and this guy does everything for them. He seems like a genuinely good guy. My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party. The story is that H was drunk and she left her fiance in their hotel room and said she was going to hang out with a girl from the office when, in fact, she was coming to my H's room. That night H ended up kicking her out of the room because he was drunk, couldn't perform and she got mad about it.
> 
> Anyway, there's all the sordid details. Although I am working through my hurt and the fact that my H was with another woman, at least I know we were split up at the time. She was actively with her fiance, and this guy has no clue who he is marrying. I do NOT want revenge on her, although she has tried to start drama in my life. I just know I would want to know if it were me. Should I contact the fiance and let him know this, or leave it alone?


For what it's worth, you should probably accept that OW is dead on in her assessment of your husband, especially given that he's a serial wayward.

And yes, you should absolutely expose the affair to OW's fiancé -- do NOT let the guy marry this slag w/o the truth.


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## GusPolinski

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your husband is quite the spin doctor, isn't he?
> 
> He's managed to paint himself just about as innocent as he can in this whole thing.
> 
> Nicely played.
> 
> Of course you should tell the fiance. But don't tell your husband before you do it because I can pretty much *guarantee* you he'll run RIGHT to the OW and warn her. You can BANK on that.


Yep.


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## jb02157

turnera said:


> I was engaged to a guy for 3 years who spent the whole 3 years cheating on me with his old gf. Everyone knew. Nobody told me. The only reason I found out was he took MY car to take her on a date to the beach and crashed my car. I felt like the biggest fool on the planet. More than that, I was furious that nobody told me because that told me all I needed to know about where they placed me in their list of priorities.


That must have been horrible. Did you disown your friends that didn't tell you anything?


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## turnera

Yeah. They were all his friends first, anyway.


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## Diana7

ChipperE said:


> That's definitely how I feel in some regards. I hate drama. I hate knowing I will hurt someone, but the guilt of knowing this genuinely nice guy is getting ready to make a HUGE mistake just kills me. I was thinking anonymously is the way to go.


Well she hasnt done anything your husband hasnt done, and you haven't thrown him out because of it so maybe he wouldn't either if he knew.


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## Diana7

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Your husband is quite the spin doctor, isn't he?
> 
> He's managed to paint himself just about as innocent as he can in this whole thing.
> 
> Nicely played.
> 
> Of course you should tell the fiance. But don't tell your husband before you do it because I can pretty much *guarantee* you he'll run RIGHT to the OW and warn her. You can BANK on that.


 Yep I agree. Its amazing how many cheated on spouses will put nearly all the blame on the other person, and very little on their spouses. Weird that. :scratchhead:


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## Diana7

manfromlamancha said:


> Your husband shouldn't just feel like an A-hole, he IS an A-hole!!!
> 
> I am curious as to what you see in him to take him back after this! He is as big a [email protected] as she is! They both deserve to be run over by Karma bus!
> 
> As for the other betrayed spouse/bf, he absolutely deserves to know and your husband and her deserve to face the consequences - i.e. they should both take their lumps. I hope the fiancé finds out and kicks the sh!t out of your "husband". And then dumps her skanky a$$ !!!


 I agree and I think that if the husband is REALLY sorry, then he needs to go and own up to her fiance and apologise.He wasnt sorry enough after the first time not to do it again was he.


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## Diana7

ChipperE said:


> My husband started seeing a coworker three weeks into our separation. My husband has admitted that they flirted leading up to our separation and that as soon as he announced his separation that she began to say she wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I will say upfront that my H has gone through all his texts with me so I've seen the exchanges and believe that they back up his story.
> 
> We are now reconciling, we are on session 10 of marriage counseling and he's switched jobs. They are completely NC and he broke it off with her prior to us getting back together. (they dated for about 6 weeks). Contacted him a few times after the break up, going as far as to leave letters on his car and on his desk (they were very much in the tone of "you broke my heart" "you are heartless" "you're a liar"). He has been very transparent with me, and he is taking all the steps the MC has suggested.
> 
> She has now backed off, however there's one thing that is bothering me. This woman has a fiance. She has 3 kids (her ex-husband has custody) and this guy does everything for them. He seems like a genuinely good guy. My husband says he feels like a huge a-hole because the (2) times they slept together, the first time was in the bed she shared with her fiance, and the second time was at the company Christmas party. The story is that H was drunk and she left her fiance in their hotel room and said she was going to hang out with a girl from the office when, in fact, she was coming to my H's room. That night H ended up kicking her out of the room because he was drunk, couldn't perform and she got mad about it.
> 
> Anyway, there's all the sordid details. Although I am working through my hurt and the fact that my H was with another woman, at least I know we were split up at the time. She was actively with her fiance, and this guy has no clue who he is marrying. I do NOT want revenge on her, although she has tried to start drama in my life. I just know I would want to know if it were me. Should I contact the fiance and let him know this, or leave it alone?


 No YOU dont expose it, your husband does, by being a man and going to him and apologising to him. This will show if he really does feel terrible about it or is just saying that to get you back. 

The fact that you weren't living in the same house and they were makes no difference, they are equally responsible.


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## 3Xnocharm

ABSOLUTELY YES you should expose! And as someone else mentioned, DO NOT tell your husband you are doing so.


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## GusPolinski

3Xnocharm said:


> ABSOLUTELY YES you should expose! And as someone else mentioned, DO NOT tell your husband you are doing so.


Doing otherwise will allow your WH to alert his AP to the oncoming exposure, which will allow her to spin you as a crazy jealous lady and gaslight her chump fiancé.


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## Apexmale

I personally would not bother telling her fiance. Thier relationship would be none of my concern. I don't feel that I'm "entitled" to know anything if I can't find out myself. If he makes the mistake of marrying that woman, that's a life lesson he needs to learn from. Plus, I have plenty of my own mistakes to learn from, I don't have the time to invest in researching the personal mistakes of others. 

Sent from my Samsung Tablet...


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## becareful2

Golden Rule: if you were the fiance, would you want to know that you were about to marry a serial cheater?


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