# Asked my wife what she does and...



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

So the other night when my wife and I were getting intimate, I was actually very tired but I still wanted to give my wife pleasure for the evening. I could tell that she wanted it just by her body language. I explained to her that I was very tired and since 95% of the work when we do have intercourse falls on me right now (she has some outstanding medical issues), that I would make sure that she received her "O" but that I simply did not have the energy to thrust around for an hour. Apparently a big mistake was when I asked her how she pleasures herself, what she likes to do, where she touches, how fast, etc...I got a shocked response of "I'm not telling you that..." Of course in my nature that leads to more questions like "What? Why? I want to please you however you desire." All I got in return was a firm, "You don't need to know that..." So I am confused right now as in, is this normal behavior? There have been a few nights recently my jaw has been very sore from my TMJ so I haven't felt like going down on her. I have started by using my hands and I always get an almost snide, "What are you doing?" I am totally confused here...One such occasion she was so wet down there that when I did go down after the, "What are you doing?" comment it was actually dripping out. Am I wrong for thinking that it felt good, or was it a bad assumption? She has always been pretty reserved sexually and has never been very comfortable talking about it but she has opened up a bit more recently.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I have NO idea ..Im 44 and have been having sex since I was 14 and right off the bat if my husband told me that he was "very tired "(simply didnt have the energy) but would make sure I "got my O" and complained about his TMJ I would say "your excused" and go get it done with cocont oil and my giant pink vibrator..I could "make sure I got my O" in about 90 seconds..Without him having to be worried about it which would be my preference if its reduced to having an O.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

grasshopper its your job to lovingly pull the inner vixen out of her. when she said I'm not telling you ,you should have said ...now I'm really courious you have to tell me is it something really weird like using a plunger or what. joking of course. then say come on let me watch for awhile and then I'll follow your lead.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If I asked my wife that I'm pretty sure she would react in the same way as your did. That said, this is something I'm interested in as well. I'd like to know how she does it so that I can use that information to improve my own technique. Problem is, I know she's to shy to say or show if asked. So what I have been doing is taking her hand and placing it on her V while we have sex. The first few times she would only touch me when I put her hand there. But after a few times she started touching herself. She hasn't quite got to the point where she'll put her hand there on her own, but I think she'll probably get there eventually. Baby steps.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> grasshopper its your job to lovingly pull the inner vixen out of her. when she said I'm not telling you ,you should have said ...now I'm really courious you have to tell me is it something really weird like using a plunger or what. joking of course. then say come on let me watch for awhile and then I'll follow your lead.


LOL!!!

NO not a plunger Im more old fahioned than that..its that banana you had for breakfast this morning..


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I have NO idea ..Im 44 and have been having sex since I was 14 and right off the bat if my husband told me that he was "very tired "(simply didnt have the energy) but would make sure I "got my O" and complained about his TMJ I would say "your excused" and go get it done with cocont oil and my giant pink vibrator..I could "make sure I got my O" in about 90 seconds..Without him having to be worried about it which would be my preference if its reduced to having an O.


Actually there was no complaining about the TMJ, she knows it bothers me from time to time but since insurance will not cover it and the surgery is about 10k I have not put it at the top of my priority list because it is just occasionally. I was not trying to reduce it to just an "O" either. I feel very connected to my wife when we are intimate, so I would rather her not just go grab some oil, a pink vib and disapear into another room. My point was more that I wanted to make sure she was satisfied, and lets face it, having sex is about reaching climax for both parties. Its about taking each other to that special place that only you or your spouse can get you to.


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If I asked my wife that I'm pretty sure she would react in the same way as your did. That said, this is something I'm interested in as well. I'd like to know how she does it so that I can use that information to improve my own technique. Problem is, I know she's to shy to say or show if asked. So what I have been doing is taking her hand and placing it on her V while we have sex. The first few times she would only touch me when I put her hand there. But after a few times she started touching herself. She hasn't quite got to the point where she'll put her hand there on her own, but I think she'll probably get there eventually. Baby steps.


I wish there was a way to just flip a switch and let herself loose and fully enjoy what her body is capable of.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

MarriedMojo said:


> Actually there was no complaining about the TMJ, she knows it bothers me from time to time but since insurance will not cover it and the surgery is about 10k I have not put it at the top of my priority list because it is just occasionally. I was not trying to reduce it to just an "O" either. I feel very connected to my wife when we are intimate, so I would rather her not just go grab some oil, a pink vib and disapear into another room. My point was more that I wanted to make sure she was satisfied, and lets face it, having sex is about reaching climax for both parties. Its about taking each other to that special place that only you or your spouse can get you to.


But you "simply dont have the energy" would be a PROBLEM for me..

Its like "I dont have the energy to do what I KNOW you like so give me a shortcut to get you to your O"..

Oh and by the way I have TMJ..try having a penis being crammed in your mouth..Im not even supposed to chew gum..

At that point I would say dont bother..Seriously for me?MORE than 1/2 the reason I even LIKE that in the first place is because he LIKES me havign an O..I can have one by myself..But if he was saying "Im SOO tired...how can I get you off the quickest " I surely would say DONT even bother..YOU "rest your non energetic head" baby..I can get off in 90 seconds with a vibrator (that isnt non energetic ) then we can "cuddle"..

And NO sex ISNT about "both reaching climax" ..its about the JOURNEY there..

At least for me..


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

MarriedMojo said:


> I wish there was a way to just flip a switch and let herself loose and fully enjoy what her body is capable of.






> I explained to her that I was very tired and since 95% of the work when we do have intercourse falls on me right now (she has some outstanding medical issues), that I would make sure that she received her "O" but that I simply did not have the energy to thrust around for an hour.


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

For me, it's not all about the "O"... There's lots of times that I want to have sex with my H and don't care about the happy ending for me... I just want to feel him inside me, his touch, the low growl moans, etc... 

I am very lucky that my H got us to show eachother other "techniques" early in our relationship. Watching him is such a turn on for me and I've learned a lot, that in turn took my fear away from showing him as well and boy did he learn... :smthumbup:

Maybe if you showed her how you pleasure yourself, she may be more open to show you???


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> But you "simply dont have the energy" would be a PROBLEM for me..
> 
> Its like "I dont have the energy to do what I KNOW you like so give me a shortcut to get you to your O"..
> 
> ...


Guess we will simply disagree. Frankly I am glad you are not my wife. It also was not about speed, no matter how you get there in the end it is about that climax. It takes me a very long time to finish so I meant it when I said I simply did not have the energy to thrust for an hour straight. She has some lingering issues with balance so until those are resolved its me on top. Whatever the journey may be, my thoughts still remain that its about being part of it together.


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

lovingsummer said:


> For me, it's not all about the "O"... There's lots of times that I want to have sex with my H and don't care about the happy ending for me... I just want to feel him inside me, his touch, the low growl moans, etc...
> 
> I am very lucky that my H got us to show eachother other "techniques" early in our relationship. Watching him is such a turn on for me and I've learned a lot, that in turn took my fear away from showing him as well and boy did he learn... :smthumbup:
> 
> Maybe if you showed her how you pleasure yourself, she may be more open to show you???


Tried that before she has no interest in watching me. Not really sure whats up there, but I don't push it too hard.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

MarriedMojo said:


> Guess we will simply disagree. Frankly I am glad you are not my wife. It also was not about speed, no matter how you get there in the end it is about that climax. It takes me a very long time to finish so I meant it when I said I simply did not have the energy to thrust for an hour straight. She has some lingering issues with balance so until those are resolved its me on top. Whatever the journey may be, my thoughts still remain that its about being part of it together.


Disagree about what? You are the one complaining you know how to make her O and that just takes "too much energy out of you ".And how you have TMJ..Then are pointing the finger at HER saying she is supposed to what?Open up and "realize what she is capbale of" ?By whos standards and it DOES sound like you are looking to put LESS effort in not more..

Sorry read your OP..

If my husband was THAT tired I wouldnt want him to even WORRY about my O..if it was that much of a problem that he went complaining that I what?Took too long?..

If I caught my husband telling people he was exausted and I took too long that woudl be the last time I ever let him even try..

And I am GLAD you are not my husband..Frankly..


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Just put it this way if my husband was complaining he "had to thrust for a hour" I would tell him DONT BOTHER..ESPECIALLY if he "blamed me " if I woudl just "open up more sexually" he wouldnt have to expend so much energy..

Sad..


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with chilly and Working, take baby steps to find out what your wife likes sexually, since she is reluctant to come right out and tell you.

Keep exploring with your hands and see what her response is. Try coconut oil to make sure she is moist. It takes practice and persistence to have a good sexual relationship, so don't give up when she is shy about saying what she likes. If you are too tired, wait until the next day or weekend. Try different things rather than coming right out and asking her.


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTE I explained to her that I was very tired and since 95% of the work when we do have intercourse falls on me right now (she has some outstanding medical issues), that I would make sure that she received her "O" but that I simply did not have the energy to thrust around for an hour.][/QUOTE]

This is what Im saying ..If my husband "explained this to me " I would apologize for all the inconvenience and EXCUSE him from "making sure I had an O" 

I would hae said "thats real sweet but no thanks and Im sorry that 95% of the "work" is on you ..I never realized what a job it was for you "..I do NOT want you to have to use too much "energy" or for it to cause you to much "work" to have sex with me or "give me an O" LOL!! Especially since I can have one without you in under 3 mintutes O.K?YOur "suffering " is not my pleasure and never will be..Im not into that..

No more "work" for you honey...


----------



## Lifeisnotsogood2 (Sep 1, 2012)

All I can say is you are lucky.


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTE I explained to her that I was very tired and since 95% of the work when we do have intercourse falls on me right now (she has some outstanding medical issues), that I would make sure that she received her "O" but that I simply did not have the energy to thrust around for an hour.]
> 
> This is what Im saying ..If my husband "explained this to me " I would apologize for all the inconvenience and EXCUSE him from "making sure I had an O"
> 
> ...


I feel like I'm watching the RNC all over again. You can pull all the individual words out of my post and read into them all you want. I NEVER said I was "suffering". I was trying to find a middle ground to please her. Would you rather me use the word "effort" instead of "work"? I am not referring to "work" as though it was a job. Is there something else you would have called it? I was simply trying to put some context to the question. I also never said it was an inconvenience.


----------



## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> This is what Im saying ..If my husband "explained this to me " I would apologize for all the inconvenience and EXCUSE him from "making sure I had an O"
> 
> I would hae said "thats real sweet but no thanks and Im sorry that 95% of the "work" is on you ..I never realized what a job it was for you "..I do NOT want you to have to use too much "energy" or for it to cause you to much "work" to have sex with me or "give me an O" YOur "suffering " is not my pleasure and never will be..Im not into that..
> 
> No more "work" for you honey...


I would feel lucky to have a husband who offered to satisfy me in some way when he is tired. My H often tells me he is too tired for sex. He does not offer to do anything just for me at those times. During normal foreplay, he doesn't touch me with his hands for more than about 1 minute. I don't 'need' that but it would be fun for variety and I would be grateful and impressed if he were interested to learn.

Dallasapple, how could you react with such sarcasm and ingratitude if your H still wanted to find a way to please you even when he was very tired or his TMJ was acting up? 

I'm impressed by all the guys here who spend 30 minutes going down on their wives. I enjoy my O much more via vaginal sex so I don't ask for oral on me, plus I like giving BJs more than getting oral on me. Since my H is relatively low drive, I usually put in most of the effort doing things to him. Having a guy who often puts in that kind of time and effort just on me sounds really nice.

I think MarriedMojo sounds very caring, not 'lazy' as you are implying.

MarriedMojo, I suggest using a lot of lube for HJs on her and don't start with direct stimulation, do lots of teasing very softly in the area *around* the clit for a long time (5-10 mins), not *on*it or near the top of it until much later. That's not how I touch myself, but how I'd like my H to touch me. It's fun to be teased but it's weird to try to tease yourself. I don't even bother using lube on myself - I just rush to the finish and it isn't that satisfying, but it seems weird to draw it out on yourself (I don't watch porn). In other words, I don't think you need to watch her touch herself or ask her what her rhythm is (because she probably rushes through it anyway). Just experiment on her yourself. Get the book "Slow Sex" for some good instruction on HJs for women.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> And NO sex ISNT about "both reaching climax" ..its about the JOURNEY there..
> 
> At least for me..


Is there only one way to get there? Can't a journey have different roads?

I see a guy not being able to take one road and asking his partner directions to take a different road. What is wrong with that?


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

Thank you for the support Kari and Guy. The original purpose of the thread had to do more with the reaction then whether or not I was tired. So again I say thank you for the advice Kari.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I do have to add that from the position of laying on my back, watching what my H does during sex sure the he!! looks like "work" to me!!! Some days you love your job and some days you're just too tired but still willing to put in SOMETHING... 

I "get" it marriedmojo  but I'm still thinking it's a shame that she won't share her pleasuring herself with you... It's erotic to me but maybe I'm a freak of nature...


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

OP I agree with the baby steps and don't think you did anything wrong but saying you were tired but still wanted her to be satisfied. Wow if my ex had of ever said that to me and at least attempted to communicated we would still be married.

As for what to do, I don't know. I am in my 40's and am just now going through a massive sexual awakening after so long in a sexless marriage, the difference is that my new man is open, he communicates and he wants me so badly. I enjoy touching him and me when we are intimate, we have great sex and discussions about it.

One thing that he does that drives me wild and that really helped me be more open is that when he uses his fingers he will then lick them. Sorry if that is TMI but it shows me how much he likes my taste and to me it is sooooo sexy. Not suggesting it will work for your wife but maybe there is some little move that will turn her on, show her how much you want her (not just sex but her) and help to flick the switch and bring her out a bit.


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

MarriedMojo said:


> "I'm not telling you that..."
> 
> "You don't need to know that..."
> 
> "What are you doing?"


This has to be the least sexy pillow talk I've ever heard of.

Why can't she discuss with you how she pleasures herself? Why on earth would she think you don't need to know this??

Bizarre... 

How long have you two been together? Has she always been this repressed sexually?

Also must admit... you comments about being too tired would have instantly turned me off...big time... maybe that's why you wife was so 'snippy' with you.

Dunno... strange way to talk to your H when hes trying to pleasure you...:scratchhead:


----------



## pheobe (Sep 4, 2012)

I think everyone has different comfort levels. For me, personally, I want my husband to know how I pleasure myself, because let's face it, nobody can please you like you can! We've pleasured ourselves in front of each other numerous times. When we were new to each other, we often took "time outs" to ask, exactly what to do, where, and for how long... I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking your wife how she pleasures herself, I do however, find it odd, that you're married and don't already know... but that's me, and like I said, everyone has different comfort levels. Now, I'm certainly not boasting, as in "we figured each other out, hurray" because now I can't get my husband to have sex for months on end... If only I could figure that out, I may have some credible advice. Good luck!


----------



## Innosenses (Jul 8, 2011)

Just being into the sex as if you want to give her the "o" is good enough that if you told her you were tired, She would see your hard effort and climax easy! The key is to really be into it mind body and soul 100%. That is why some women can go and "o" in under 90sec.
*SOMETIMES* if you do the Job right the last step is to stick it and make the "o" cum down!I said sometimes because there are different spots and different fingers etc.. you just have to really want your woman soft spots!
They are 100% into themselves, looking for that sweet spot. On the flip side what type spot does a man need you to find?


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

pheobe said:


> I think everyone has different comfort levels. For me, personally, I want my husband to know how I pleasure myself, because let's face it, nobody can please you like you can! We've pleasured ourselves in front of each other numerous times. When we were new to each other, we often took "time outs" to ask, exactly what to do, where, and for how long... I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking your wife how she pleasures herself, I do however, find it odd, that you're married and don't already know... but that's me, and like I said, everyone has different comfort levels. Now, I'm certainly not boasting, as in "we figured each other out, hurray" because now I can't get my husband to have sex for months on end... If only I could figure that out, I may have some credible advice. Good luck!


Well let's start by saying simply, we didn't figure each other out before marriage, we were both relatively young and fairly reserved when it came to talking about sex. We just kind of did. She figured out all my hot buttons, wish she would use some of them more often, but thats another story. She has never once said I do anything badly. Most of the time she is complementary. I have even overheard her telling her friends how great I am at going down on her after a few drinks which is odd because she is so reserved most of the time. I am a little late for to the game and I am sure after 10yrs together she probably finds it odd that I would start asking those questions. We have talked several times in the days since this, but I have not re-approached the original subject of how she pleases herself. Frankly I am a little embarrassed to bring it up again after her reaction. I am going to wait until our next counseling session and we can talk about it there and maybe figure out why. She has never watched me, that I know of", and for some reason she expressed that she finds it gross. I have tried to explain to her that I am trying to open new doors for us sexually, but in the end maybe I should just appreciate the fact that we have gone from once every couple of months to 3 or so times a week. Over the past month or so I have become much, much more comfortable talking about sex and asking her questions. She on the other hand still seems to feel as though it is a bit taboo to discuss. If there are other ways that anyone can think to maybe bring up the idea to her about sharing her "secrets" I would be interested to hear them.


----------



## frankd (Feb 22, 2012)

I'd like to add something on this topic by turning it around. 
Many times my wife was too tired or not that into it and she offered to help me out. 
She says enjoy the buffet as long as she don't have to cook.
I take it as a sign of caring. 
Afterwards, it's hugs and kisses and a good night's sleep. 
So why is a guy derided when he wants to please his lady, but says he too tired to seek anything in return. 
I'll get my wife a cup of tea even if I don't want a drink. I'll do it for her because I love her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MarriedMojo (Aug 19, 2012)

I was more trying to figure out if anyone else has had a similar experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Henry (Nov 20, 2007)

Just look on the web. they all seem to do it the same way. Kinda like guys.


----------

