# In-House Separation, w/ Young Kids



## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

My husband has been cheating on me.. D-Day was in August but he's still been lying (though hasn't really been with the other women since). He's not feeling remorse and is consumed with guilt and self-hatred.

We're going to do an in-house separation, because we can't afford to maintain two residences. We have four kids, who are 8, 6, 3, and 18 months. Hopefully we'll be able to put a futon in the kids' playroom and move some of his clothes in there. I imagine we'll still eat most of our family dinners together and spend time with the kids together.. we're really not antagonistic towards each other and can generally be pretty friendly.

So, my main question is.. what do we tell my older two kids? I was originally thinking of just saying, "Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along very well right now, and we need some time apart.. just like when you boys don't get along, you need some time apart." But this afternoon I started thinking that I'd like to say, "Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along very well. Daddy's not sure if he wants to stay married to Mommy, so we're going to spend some time apart." But I don't know if that's me wanting the kids on my side, if it's selfish to bring them that far into what's going on.

Also.. I'm wondering if anyone has any BTDT advice or stories about an in-house separation like this.

Thanks!


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## RunningOnEmpty (Aug 29, 2010)

What's best for your kids? 

Your goal should be to do what's best for your kids. They need both their parents. And asking them to take sides is no fair to them. You want them to feel that BOTH their parents love them. And that this separation/divorce has nothing to do with them.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"Mommy and Daddy aren't getting along very well. Daddy's not sure if he wants to stay married to Mommy, so we're going to spend some time apart." This is your anger coming out. Not good for anyone. Your marriage is not over. Both of you should insulate the kids from this as much as possible. We have been "separated but living together" for over a year. Sleeping in the same bed to insulate the kids while we work through it. Your marriage isn't over, don't make it harder than it already is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeenaBoBeena (Sep 20, 2011)

You're right, guys.. thanks for the dose of common sense. We'll keep it short and simple, and not talk about who has done what.

My husband would rather sleep in another room right now, so sharing a bed isn't an option.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Deena

Tough situation. The good news is that you and your husband understand the economics and are putting the kids first.

I do not understand your statements regarding the lack of husbands remorse. You stated he is full of guilt and self hatred. I thought that would be in the definition of remorse.

Why did your husband cheat? Use this in house separation as an opportunity to get answers.

My wife and I were discussing this the other day. Married for 18 years. We have been faithful to each other, but both agree we are human and do get that itch every once and a while.

You have very young children. I hope your husband understands his children need a safe nuturing environment. He has failed his wife and children. Most cheating spouses do not realize they are damaging the family unit with this behavior.

Find out why he did this.


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## Shane Jimison (Sep 1, 2011)

It is normal as a parent, to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. So as soon as you are certain of your plans, talk to your kids about your decision to live apart.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You realize that the kids have probably already noticed the tension, right? Unless you're walking around singing "Zip-A-Dee-Do-Da" all day long.

So - this may confuse them - but not entirely.

I think we tried to frame it like you did - we just aren't getting along so we need some space. Tried to make it similar to sending the kids to their rooms when they fight.

We've had to have a few of these talks over the last couple of years - and every time the kids have handled it much better than I thought they would.


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