# Childless - wrong decision?



## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years. We are high school sweethearts, so I know him for 20+ years (I am 37).

Early on in the marriage, my husband said that he did not want children. I agreed with him, so we did not have any. 

For a long time, we were both busy with our careers, we moved across a few countries as well. However, we have now been here at the same place for 7 years so life has settled down.

Coming to the problem, I now feel like our relationship is now at a standstill. Yes, we eat out, we travel, we work long hours but then when we get home in the evening, there is nothing to talk about. My husband has been going into long bouts of silence since the past few months. He makes me feel very isolated(my parents/extended family are in another country) and lonely. The last time we had a petty fight, he suggested a trial separation.

This was a shock to me. I mean, every couple fights but to think about separating for no reason at all? I cannot help but think that we are at this point because we chose not to have kids. There is nothing to take this marriage forward.

I feel so lost, so lonely, so hopeless. If someone has ever been in a similar situation, please help me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anyone can fall into a rut, and can disconnect or feel disconnected from their spouse. With kids or without, lots of marriages fail, and in many of those marriages, the spouses feel worlds apart.

Try doing new things together that will bring you closer. Have adventures together. Take up a sport or activity like biking together. Movies, plays, theater, concerts. Go to see live bands. Go dancing. Paint the house together. 

Maybe try marriage counseling, especially if you're having trouble communicating.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I think everyone on this forum has felt lost, lonely, isolated and needed to talk it out somewhere safe. You've reached the right place.

You say he has been going into long bouts of silence, does it feel like he is withdrawing from you? From everything? Did he use to confide in you when things were bothering him?
If he did, and now he's not, what have you said to him to get to understanding what's on his mind?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sonia99 said:


> My husband has been going into long bouts of silence since the past few months.


That's because what is on his mind is not a good story. 




> He makes me feel very isolated(my parents/extended family are in another country) and lonely. The last time we had a petty fight, he suggested a trial separation.
> 
> This was a shock to me. I mean, every couple fights but to think about separating for no reason at all?


Regardless of the reason, kids or no, he has not been communicating whatever it is that is really bugging him and when someone starts living one life in their head and another life towards their spouse then a train wreck is in the offing.

That's why the person being silent comes out of the blue with "it's over" and the other person is saying "WTF?!"

You have to get to the bottom of what is on his mind. The separation suggestion did not happen because there was a fight. It was latent, just waiting for a trigger to blurt it out.

Who knows. It could be another love interest. It could be he has built up a lot of resentment about something. But you need to get to the bottom of it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wiseforit, I think it might be easier to slow it down a bit. I agree with the idea but...just a little slower. Please?


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I think women often go through a last burst of fertility in their late thirties. I remember reading a while back that 38 is an age when a lot of women have a last child.

It is not clear from your post why you decided not to have children. It is clear from the title of your thread that you are having second thoughts.

I have no idea where your husband is on this but am wondering if he senses this.

I was reluctant to have children but happily my wife talked me round and we have three daughters. Our lives are so much richer in consequence, I now wish we had started trying sooner. 

I do not know if that is helpful but I thought it worth saying.


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

Hi sonia, I'm sorry to hear of your situation.



sonia99 said:


> ...so life has settled down.
> 
> Coming to the problem, I now feel like our relationship is now at a standstill.
> 
> ...there is nothing to talk about. My husband has been going into long bouts of silence since the past few months.


This is called stagnation. Your H is bored with his life and questioning everything about it. (including marrying you) 

You need to start adding new and adventurous things to YOUR life, for you. (don't worry about him for now) Are there any things that you've always wanted to do but never got around to? New hobbies? Further education? Now's the time.

Build an exciting life for yourself and he may want to join in. Even if he doesn't, you'll be better off. 

Don't bring up any relationship talks, it will drive him away. Instead, give him the space he is craving. Do this, and he may never feel the need to leave. This is my plan with my W, and after a year of her announcement to leave, she's still here.


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## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

I am so grateful for all your replies.

When we first spoke about having children, my husband painted this picture of a life where we would be bogged down with responsibilities and chores. Basically, he convinced me that a 'childfree' life means more travel, more fun, more money to spend on ourselves. I am not saying that he led me into believing this. I believed it myself and at times when I am relaxing or doing absolutely nothing, I imagine that I would not have this leisure if I had children.

I did talk to H about my desire to have kids and he said he respects it but he does not want any. So, its an unsaid statement that I choose either the marriage or kids.

I will try to work this out by taking your suggestions to try new things, etc. In fact, I just booked a weekend getaway for us.

But I know that that the emptiness will come back sooner or later. Are any of you in long marriages and have no kids? Or had kids after a long time? I would love to hear your experiences.

The thing is, I know if we do have children, he will think its the best thing ever. I just don't want to 'trick' him into it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You haven't explained his long bouts of silences, or feeling like he's pulling away? I think it's great that you two are heading away for some time together, but you need to explore his suggestions because that's not something that happens out of the blue. It's something, usually, that they've been thinking about for a while and that's why it slipped out. So, what's going on with your H that would make him think about ending the marriage?

I wanted to add,... nod to my Dad here, "Men are never ready for children and they never have enough money for children. Leave it to men and there wouldn't be any babies born." He used to say that whenever a new couple would proclaim they weren't ready for kids yet. He really wanted grandchildren... Miss that guy!


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## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

I did ask H if there was someone else. He said no. Then I asked him why he was being so quiet and distant and he said - I don't know, just like that.

So, the probing is not helping much.

I know that he was happier before. He has been through periods where he withdraws(possibly happens to a lot of people) but this phase is much longer than the previous ones.

In response to the comment about men and children - I would think the decision to have a child is easier for a man than a woman. That's why sometimes I am surprised at my husband's reluctance.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sonia99 said:


> I did talk to H about my desire to have kids and he said he respects it but he does not want any. So, its an unsaid statement that I choose either the marriage or kids.


So we have this problem on your side. And some unknown problem on his side. 

I don't see how doing exciting things together solves your problem of wanting kids.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sonia99 said:


> When we first spoke about having children, my husband painted this picture of a life where we would be bogged down with responsibilities and chores.
> 
> I did talk to H about my desire to have kids and he said he respects it but he does not want any.
> 
> The thing is, I know if we do have children, he will think its the best thing ever.


Why in the world do you think that if you had children, he'd think it's the best thing ever? 

Seems he's very clear that he doesn't want them. Don't fool yourself into thinking he would since he isn't questioning that at all.

We don't have kids. But neither of us wanted them. He's always had dogs, and will likely get another at some point. I have a cat. That's all the responsibility we've ever wanted to handle. Life is good.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Do people really still think having kids creates a better marriage? From everything I've seen and read, they are much more likely to create distance between spouses.

I can't imagine that your marriage would be fine if only you had created additional people.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

sonia99 said:


> I am so grateful for all your replies.
> 
> When we first spoke about having children, my husband painted this picture of a life where we would be bogged down with responsibilities and chores. Basically, he convinced me that a 'childfree' life means more travel, more fun, more money to spend on ourselves. I am not saying that he led me into believing this. I believed it myself and at times when I am relaxing or doing absolutely nothing, I imagine that I would not have this leisure if I had children.
> 
> ...


 My husband and I have been married almost 16 years. I got pregnant with our first child (together) after 12 years of marriage, and i can tell you that our marriage is not the same as it was before we had our son. (and not in a good type of way.)

Having a child will not make your marriage any better. Children are not instant marriage fixers.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

OP

I agree absolutely with those who say you should not try to fix a marriage by having children. Only try to start a family if you actually want children.

Experiences differ, clearly, in that some people's lives are greatly enhanced by children, but others are not. You never know for sure what is coming your way once you have children. But it can be better than you could possibly imagine

From what you have said, it seems to me that you are pretty definitely having second thoughts and think that your husband would love fatherhood if he tried it. It sounds to me that you should have a heart-to-heart with him about the next thirty years of your lives.

For what it is worth, my experience was that the first daughter did not greatly disrupt our lives. Life became more challenging when the second and third arrived. This was not because of any particular issues with them just a function of the numbers - with one the house is still mainly adult, with three it is mainly children.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

OP, I must be missing something. How exactly is his behavior connected to being childless?


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## sonia99 (Mar 11, 2013)

I don't think having children is a 'fix' for any marriage. I am not planning to have children to fix mine.

Its a thought that children keep the marriage dynamic. Like someone said, my marriage has reached a stagnation point. Maybe it will reach a stagnation point even if we have a kid and life falls into a rut again. But for now, at this age, I feel like its my very last chance to have a kid.

I really don't know.


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## vahlaria (Jan 31, 2013)

I haven't been in your situation, and I'm obviously here for my own problems.  However, I am childless and will always be so. 

Having children will not and would not have saved your marriage. Millions of people get divorced with children. 

I do hope things work out with you two . . . if that's what you want. But . . . I do feel you . . . well, any person should have a child with the person who will cherish him/her and you for making such a painful and enduring sacrifice.





sonia99 said:


> I have been married to my husband for almost 13 years. We are high school sweethearts, so I know him for 20+ years (I am 37).
> 
> Early on in the marriage, my husband said that he did not want children. I agreed with him, so we did not have any.
> 
> ...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sonia99 said:


> I don't think having children is a 'fix' for any marriage. I am not planning to have children to fix mine.
> 
> Its a thought that children keep the marriage dynamic. Like someone said, my marriage has reached a stagnation point. Maybe it will reach a stagnation point even if we have a kid and life falls into a rut again. But for now, at this age, I feel like its my very last chance to have a kid.
> 
> I really don't know.


Maybe linking these thoughts in your mind - wanting a baby and stagnating marriage - makes it easier for you to consider leaving him, which is what you would need to do in order to have a child?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It sounds like the thought of children is popping up because you and H are currently so disconnected, you miss that feeling of connection? Or are these two separate issues happening at the same time?

Doubting this decision you two made together, might cause you to need his connection even more than you ever did.

But from what I see, the big problem, the one that has to be fixed first, is why is he pulling away? Why is separating a thought he is having? Why is he refusing to open up to you?

A lot of spouses come here wondering what they can do to fix their marriage. They describe a spouse who has disengaged and they describe their history and what they've tried so far to get the marriage back on track. What is sad is that some of these spouses begin to put two and two together and they discover an affair.

From the moment I read your first post, that is what popped into my head. You describe that your H has pulled away, he has been disinterested for a while, you've been fighting more frequently, and then he blurts out that maybe you two should separate. When a H says that, they've had it on their minds for a while. It wasn't an accident.

I suggest you do some snooping. He's not likely going to fess up, IF this is what is happening. I'm not the best person to advise on snooping and as a rule I don't approve of it. But in your case, and others similar, you have a right to know what's going on with him. He isn't communicating so you have no other choice but to snoop, spy and learn the truth.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

sonia99 said:


> separating for no reason at all?


There is a reason. 

Do you have complete access to cell phone, email, web history? Is there anything else going on like more time away from home, more time on the computer, locked cell phone or closing out windows when you approach the computer? A friend?


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## AlmostYoung (May 24, 2012)

You need to build a satisfying and fulfilling life for yourself. You can't count on a child or even a spouse to do this for you.

Do that while giving him the time and space he needs right now. You need to do these two things whether he's having an affair or not. 

Snooping will only hurt you, and/or prevent you from doing the most important thing to help you heal, which is care for yourself.

Seriously, focus on YOU, not him. It will take time, but his feelings for you can come back if you don't try to force them.


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