# How do I tell him that I need more?



## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any help/advise is appreciated. 

I am married, and a mother of 2. My husband and I used to have a great sex life. We would openly talk about what we liked/disliked, how we "needed" each other...etc etc. 

Within the last year or so, its all gone down hill. We have sex maybe 3 times a month? Never anything fun...just the basic "I'm horny, so come here". No foreplay (not usually anyway). 

I am a VERY sexual person. It seems like its always on my mind. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he immediately changes the subject, and wants nothing to do with whatever I was talking about.

I have certain fantasies, that I KNOW he would never do. Nor do I think I could ask him to do. Its to the point that I am really unhappy though. I love him, and I couldn't imagine my life without him...but I feel like this is seriously causing a problem in our marriage. 

What do I do? I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried to talk to him about it. I have tried reading books, and offering to show him. I have tried to text/chat with him so he could be more "comfortable". 

I just think its CRAZY that our biggest problem is ME wanting more sex. I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

ni needy wife.. 

congratulations on being yet another wife on tam who has a higher sex drive than husband... from the rest of us... let me just say ...you suck!!!

hahah

Have you told him about the fantasies?
I will tell you that THAT by itself really brings intimacy...
In addition, it fosters openess in other areas of life... TRUST comes from sharing things that are deep inside.

As that trust builds..so does the ability to communicate virtually anything.
Do you tease him? Tell him dirty things you want him to do you you or you him?
Dont take for granted he would not like your fantasies.... we (sexes) can be equally twisted.... i have been suprised about the things i was scared to death to divulge and they ended up being LOADS of fun.. Even if you you both dont want to enact the fantasy...talking about it especially during sex or acting it out is HOT!!!!

You will have to go out on that limb first im guessing tho...

good luck,,,, now GO AWAY


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here is my direct suggestion: 

"_Dear Hubby I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention. When we married, I committed to you and you alone for a lifetime, and I trusted in you and only you to meet my sexual needs. I love you, and I couldn't imagine my life without you...but I feel like this *is *seriously causing a problem in our marriage. 

I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried to talk to you about it. I have tried reading books, and offering to show you. I have tried to text/chat with you so you could be more "comfortable" and so far nothing has worked. I am unhappy enough that it makes our marriage vulnerable to an affair. 

I would like to ask that we agree to have sex three times a week--on Mondays I initiate, on Thursdays you initiate, and on weekends we have a loving date and spend time together all day and end the day with making love. I'm no longer willing to settle for 'I'm horny so let me get off on you' sex because I want you, I want passion for you, and I want you to make love to me. Are you willing to make that agreement? If not, what agreement do you propose--because ignoring it will no longer work for me? We are addressing it now, and from this conversation I will decide how and if our marriage will proceed_."

Now I realize it's a little blunt and direct but you know...guys are sometimes that way. Sometimes they need the straightforward, say it right out, fry-pan to the head approach. If you say it right out like that and you know for a fact he is crystal clear about what you want but he's not willing to even discuss it or negotiate, then it's time to consider other steps. 

If he gets the idea it can not be ignored anymore and offers something back, then you two can just out the details (like he says "No 3 times a month is better for me--you could counter with twice a week...once a week and weekend making out and seal the deal) and then you can watch to see if he honors the agreement. If he gets the idea it can't be ignored but tries to change the topic or refuses to discuss it, then you know his answer--he has no intention to change or address it. If he will not address it or will not honor the agreement that's when you decide what you will do about it. 

My guess would be that he may have some needs that aren't being met (like admiration) and that affects his desire. So maybe for your first weekend spending all day together leading to making love, fill out this quiz--you do one and he does one: Love Kindlers Questionnaire.


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## Luvmybabe (Mar 6, 2010)

Communication,trusting and rebonding is the key, I have been married going on 11 years and we have one child. Life goes by so fast and you dont realize whats being done to a marriage until you lose that connection with each other, H and I went through alot the past 3 years there was alot of not talking, telling each other how we felt and my sex drive was LOW etc now that I look back on it I feel awful and should have never done this to my H about a month ago we sat down and just let it all out talked for a long time we since have now reconnected and things are GREAT and in the bed so hang in there and sit him down and talk and tell each other how you feel but dont argue about it just open up to each other. Hope this helps some


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AC,
I really like the way you approach this stuff. I agree the blunt style of communication is best. I also think she needs to ask him a question and he damn well needs to answer it: 

What kinds of things can I do to slowly "get" you in the mood when you start out "not" in the mood?

Maybe it is a back massage - maybe a shower together - maybe an inner thigh and butt massage - maybe a back scratch - who the hell cares - there is definitely SOMETHING that will get any man aroused. And he needs to totally stop any porn/manual over ride activities until this problem is solved. Masturbation when your wife is feeling unloved is a type of solo-infidelity - you are cheating on her - with yourself. 

The whole idea of letting the other person get you in the mood is the key to our happy sex life. My wife rarely starts out in the mood but is pretty much ALWAYS willing to let me gently warm her up. IMO - This whole idea of - "I am not in the mood so leave me alone" - is very destructive to a marriage.





Affaircare said:


> Here is my direct suggestion:
> 
> "_Dear Hubby I am sick to death of asking/begging for sexual attention. When we married, I committed to you and you alone for a lifetime, and I trusted in you and only you to meet my sexual needs. I love you, and I couldn't imagine my life without you...but I feel like this *is *seriously causing a problem in our marriage.
> 
> ...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> ... "What kinds of things can I do to slowly "get" you in the mood when you start out "not" in the mood?"


*B-I-N-G-O!!*

After waking up too early, stumbling into the shower, throwing coffee into a travel mug, commuting to work, mentally or physically putting in 8 hours or more, commuting home, making dinner, doing dishes, and THEN having to tackle household chores... NO ONE "feels like" putting forth the energy to have sex. I mean the way we live here in the USA is crazy!

But I think the difference for those who have a fulfilling sex life and those who don't is that even when we admit we may not be "in the mood" that moment...we are willing to be put into the mood. And hey I can testify, one thing that turns me on a lot is smell and if the smell is "ripe" after a long day at work it's not always that sexy, sweaty kind of smell. Soooooo... that's a perfect lead in to "How about if we shower together honey? I'll be your loofah!" It's sexy--it's relaxing--and that smell thing is clean and fresh and yummy! 

So :smthumbup::smthumbup: :iagree: with MEM!


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

All great advise, If your SO is not satisfying your needs and you tell him your going to get your needs met some place eles then its not an affair. Its only and affair if you dont tell them your going to get them met some place elese.

When you got married you had assumed he was going to fill your sexual needs its your right to have your needs met. He is very much risking an affair.

Read the book his needs her needs how to affair proof your marriage.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

*WHOA NELLIE!!*

This is an important NOTE! Please note that in my wording what I said was: _"I am unhappy enough that it makes our marriage vulnerable to an affair. "_ This does not mean: "Do it my way or I'm threatening you with n affair" because that is extremely disrespectful! Neither does it mean: "If you don't do it my way I am going to have sex with other men." Nope far from it!!! It means that due to his actions not meeting this important Love Kindler, the marriage is really exposed and either one of them could easily be very tempted. 

Just to be clear--I do not in any way agree with the statement: 


> If your SO is not satisfying your needs and you tell him your going to get your needs met some place else then its not an affair. Its only and affair if you dont tell them your going to get them met some place else.


My very first article was "What is an affair" and in summary here's the definition: "_...being UN-faithful--having an affair--might rather accurately be defined as acting in a way so that affection and loyalty are not committed and dedicated to a private person to whom loyalty is due; not adhering to promises (vows)._" It would most definitely be outside the bounds of committing and dedicating affection and loyal to her husband alone if she were to have sex with someone else. 

If he refuses to discuss it, or refuses to negotiate sex enough that it is satisfactory to both of them--then I would suggested "the next step" which in my mind would be counseling with the pastor or marital counseling...or honoring her vow in another way by having Love Kindler#2 met in a HUGE way. Yes, you still miss sex but if #2, 3, and 4 were met it would help. If her husband were wounded or ill and unable to ever have sex, I would not encourage her to have sex elsewhere--I'd encourage her to have #2, 3, and 4 met and creatively think of some way to include him while meeting sex maybe manually with him or something like that. 

So no--I do not advise stepping outside the marriage. That ALWAYS, ALWAYS, *ALWAYS*makes things worse.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Thanks for all the responses. 
Affaircare, I really liked your letter, but the first thing I thought was that the comment about "being vulnerable to an affair" would SO NOT fly. He is a pretty jealous person, and any talk of an affair would send him over the deep end. Not to mention, I would not stoop that low. Yes, our marriage seems to be suffering because of the lack of sex/sex play (in my eyes anyway, he seems completely content)...I would never cheat on him. I married him because I love him, I couldn't hurt him like that. 
So with that said...I'm still at a loss. He has told me in the past that he is not comfortable with his body. So that probably has a lot to do with this. I think he is the sexiest man, and I tell him that all the time. But I cant help but feel rejected every time he turns me down. I have taken the "blunt" approach, but that means nothing. 
Ahhhh...I dont know what to do!


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

MEM & AC,
You guys are great! Blunt but respectful is definitely the way to go here. After 20+ years of marriage I went that way simply out of frustration & was (and continue to be) amazed amazed at how it has re-connected my wife and me in so many ways.

However, on thing I would add/clarify about this whole thing is that a prerequisite to all of this bluntness could be a mindset change on the part of the sexually frustrated spouse. For me the single biggest factor that contributed to my being unsatisfied for so many years was the simple belief (on some psychological level) that my need for sex wasn't really all that much of a "need"....and certainly not one that my wife had any "responsibility" to meet. This manifested itself by my attacking the problem in all of the wrong ways for a LONG time.

I think for some people, the starting point is the realization that, as a married person, it's your right to expect a certain amount of sexual satisfaction. And if your spouse is not working with you on the issues that are standing in the way, then they are in breach of their marital vows.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Needy_Wife said:


> Thanks for all the responses.
> Affaircare, I really liked your letter, but the first thing I thought was that the comment about "being vulnerable to an affair" would SO NOT fly. He is a pretty jealous person, and any talk of an affair would send him over the deep end. Not to mention, I would not stoop that low. Yes, our marriage seems to be suffering because of the lack of sex/sex play (in my eyes anyway, he seems completely content)...I would never cheat on him. I married him because I love him, I couldn't hurt him like that.
> So with that said...I'm still at a loss. He has told me in the past that he is not comfortable with his body. So that probably has a lot to do with this. I think he is the sexiest man, and I tell him that all the time. But I cant help but feel rejected every time he turns me down. I have taken the "blunt" approach, but that means nothing.
> Ahhhh...I dont know what to do!


Obviously, I do not know your situation but I would think it makes sense to do SOMETHING to send him *near* the deepend at least. 

People would burn alive in a house fire if not for the discomfort created by the heat.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Right I agree. :iagree: A certain amount of flames beneath the heiney is needed here.

I can not tell you how many loyal spouses I've spoken with who have said to me: "If only I had known how serious it was! I never, ever thought they would leave me over something like this!" or words to that effect. 

See Needy_Wife I do suggest mentioning that his actions (or lack of willingness to address this) do in fact leave the marriage vulnerable to an affair for a very important reason. Lots of people get in a mindset of "Oh it could never happen to us. We love each other (etc.)" and then get completely comfortably lazy in their relationship. And what will be uncomfy for him to realize is that by avoiding this and denying this--he is setting up himself and the marriage for HEARTACHE!

I know you think "well I would never do that" and yet I can guarantee you that in the right circumstances you would. Not on purpose! You'd be doing your best to live with it and deal with it, and then some guy in a college class or even a man in bible study would make comments about your looks, or "accidentally" brush by and linger in his touch... and without meaning to you'd think about it and think about him. Then one of you would have an excuse to call A LOT...and slip there ya go. Unwillingness to address this does in fact leave both of you vulnerable. That doesn't mean it *WILL* happen...just that grease has been added to a slope that's already slippery.  

So you'd be doing him a big favor and doing the most loving thing you can do to let him know that if he continues to act like this, he is creating an environment that is RIPE for an affair. Now, he's an adult and makes his own choices. He may choose to continue to ignore it and set you in a place of danger...and that in no way decreases your responsibility to guard yourself...but if you know he would rather leave you vulnerable than face his own issues, then that gives YOU information you need so you can make YOUR choices. 

See what I mean?


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

63Vino said:


> ni needy wife..
> 
> congratulations on being yet another wife on tam who has a higher sex drive than husband... from the rest of us... let me just say ...you suck!!!
> 
> ...


No, I have not told him about the fantasies. I get embarrassed even thinking about them. We have never really had any kinkiness in the bedroom, so I know this would be over the top. 
I tease him all the time, and most of the time he pushes me away. I am constantly telling him dirty things I want him to do for me/to me/to him...but like I said, he immediately changes the subject. For example...the other day I was hinting to him that I wanted to have anal sex. Its been forever, and I missed it. I know he likes to do it...but the second I finally came out and said "I want you to **** my ass", he said "Oh, Mike said he was going to stop by and get those books from us tonight".
Or, the other night, I shaved myself bare. I climbed up on top of him and started teasing him by rubbing myself on him...he kept flipping through the channels as if I were just sitting in bed with him. (Sorry if all that was TMI).

It makes me feel stupid, and I am sick of feeling this way. I have always been a confident woman, but the more and more he turns me down, the lower I am feeling about myself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I would say immediately, tonight, tell him! 

"I want YOU to be the man that fulfills my everything...but I don't know what more I can do" is good. Say these exact words and tell him that based on his response tonight you will be making your choices about how to proceed in this marriage. 

See, here's the thing. By *not* addressing it he is actually giving you an answer--just probably not one you want to hear. He's saying "I do not intend to change at all. In fact, I won't even address considering the possibility." So if you are blunt and straight-forward tonight and tell him right out that he's creating an environment that leaves your marriage vulnerable to an affair...and that you are trying to save him from being hurt by telling him right now that it's not okay with you and continuing to ignore it may well lead to heartache. Then if he STILL will not address it...well then you have your answer. 

Be just that blunt tonight. Don't be afraid--speak right up and tell him for his own good and the good of the marriage. Pray ahead of time that he'll have a soft heart willing to hear your request. Ask for what would work for you and see what he says. 

If he avoids it tonight and you gave it your best, blunt shot then come back and we'll discuss step two okay?


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Needy_Wife said:


> No, I have not told him about the fantasies. I get embarrassed even thinking about them. We have never really had any kinkiness in the bedroom, so I know this would be over the top.
> I tease him all the time, and most of the time he pushes me away. I am constantly telling him dirty things I want him to do for me/to me/to him...but like I said, he immediately changes the subject. For example...the other day I was hinting to him that I wanted to have anal sex. Its been forever, and I missed it. I know he likes to do it...but the second I finally came out and said "I want you to **** my ass", he said "Oh, Mike said he was going to stop by and get those books from us tonight".
> Or, the other night, I shaved myself bare. I climbed up on top of him and started teasing him by rubbing myself on him...he kept flipping through the channels as if I were just sitting in bed with him. (Sorry if all that was TMI).
> 
> It makes me feel stupid, and I am sick of feeling this way. I have always been a confident woman, but the more and more he turns me down, the lower I am feeling about myself.


I gotta say that I don't get this. Hell, I have never understood how women could have a low libido so I sure as hell cant see how a man can be this way, I really cannot.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

LTH, I dont understand it either. Never in a million years did I think I would be in a marriage where I would be the one begging for it. 
Like I said in another thread here...I will just have to keep up with my "self satisfaction". I have become a pro at it.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Needy_Wife said:


> LTH, I dont understand it either. Never in a million years did I think I would be in a marriage where I would be the one begging for it.
> Like I said in another thread here...I will just have to keep up with my "self satisfaction". I have become a pro at it.


:'( "POO" i say...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Just my opinion here. Talking graphic sex to a man who is not turned on and is a little repressed won't work. 

What would he say if you told him to take a shower and lie down on the bed for a full body massage? And if he resists I would just ask him to give you a half an hour and after that he can ask you to stop if he wants. I just cannot imagine a man not being crazed with desire after a half hour of senuous massage from his wife. But start slow - just with his back and then gradually his lower back - well - gradually make it more sexual....




Needy_Wife said:


> AC, yes I totally see what you mean. I hate to admit this, but I think about other men all the time because of how my marriage is now. Thinking/fantasizing are completely different then actually doing it though. I worry that one day someone will come along, and it will start out innocently, but eventually turn into something more.
> I want my husband to be the man that fulfills my everything...but I don't know what more I can do.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How old is he? Is he lacking energy also, falling asleep easily after work? Is he on any meds? Could be a hormonal problem affecting his desire -Low testosterone ? 

Maybe a physical problem keeping/maintaining an erection, and he is too embarrassed to share it with you? 

Do you feel he is using porn secretly? 

I would start by ruling some of these things out first.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I am 26, and he is 29. He isn't on any meds. He has become SUPER lazy lately. He has also gained a lot of weight. 
The thing is...getting/keeping an erection doesn't ever seem to be a problem. He hardly ever watches porn (I cant remember the last time he did). 
He refuses to go to a doctor though. So it could be partly because he is self conscious about his body...but I am constantly telling him how sexy I think he is...and I really do mean it.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Needy Wife

I second the massage suggestion - a great way to reconnect on all sorts of different levels.

This might sound mad: is it possible hubby feels you pre-empt any initiatives he might take? Or feels cornered, even harassed by your attentions? I mention this because my lady grew to be resentful that I didn't give her space to create intimacy in her own particular way. It took a long time for her to tell me and it emerged as quite a problem for us.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Mostly - this is typical refuser bull**** - generally - not always - you will find that when you give them space by not initiating sex - they don't either. In rare cases it does work - but it works fast. Like if you back off - and within 2 months they are really into a good pattern of initiating. If they aren't they never will be and the bit about pressure was pure blameshifting. 




steve71 said:


> Hi Needy Wife
> 
> I second the massage suggestion - a great way to reconnect on all sorts of different levels.
> 
> This might sound mad: is it possible hubby feels you pre-empt any initiatives he might take? Or feels cornered, even harassed by your attentions? I mention this because my lady grew to be resentful that I didn't give her space to create intimacy in her own particular way. It took a long time for her to tell me and it emerged as quite a problem for us.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Mostly - this is typical refuser bull**** - generally - not always - you will find that when you give them space by not initiating sex - they don't either. In rare cases it does work - but it works fast. Like if you back off - and within 2 months they are really into a good pattern of initiating. If they aren't they never will be and the bit about pressure was pure blameshifting.


Well, this seems a little tough. I reckon we can only find out if a lover is 'refusing' by doing them the honour of going along with what they ask for and making a judgement later. And i'm not sure anything is 'typical' in love affairs - different strokes for different folks


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

I don't think I am too pushy. Its not like I do this everyday. I will push once or twice a month. I figured if he saw that I was totally interested...he would get over his insecurities. I have seen him naked a million times....so I don't understand why all of a sudden he is holding back. 
I have tried the massage approach, and that usually when the "magic" happens. He loves when I take my nails down his back (softly, almost a tickle)...and I just move from his back, to his shoulders, chest, and down. If he does let it happen...its right then and there. There is no foreplay (((( I HEART foreplay )))). 
I do what I can to get him in the mood, but he rarely does the same for me. 
He used to give me oral every night before sex, and I would of course return the favor...but I cant even remember the last time he did that for me. I keep myself clean and bare...so I don't get it. 
The only pleasure I get is every once in a while he will play with my nipples while I get myself off...but that also is a rare occasion. 
I am just sick to death of wanting him...and him not wanting me.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

evry case and person is different..
Based on what i see.. mems is pretty much right on.
Admittedly we men can be egotistical hard asses sometimes and use anger, threats, walking out, stomping around, and crying out. Like babies.

Sometimes the right thing is not coddeling us.. but slapping us on the face. Dont let the ego put up such a front. Deal with it calmly and directly. Telling him what you want and what will take place if he's not willing to be at least OPEN to work on things.

Of course here.. she always needs to be supportive since he has self confidence issue.. but no excuse for not trying to meet her half way or at least take steps.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

NW - I'm at fault: I somehow had the impression that your desires were always near the surface and I hadn't understood that you push only once or twice a month, nor that his disengagement was sudden. If that's the case I wonder if he has some medical problem? Is everything ok in other areas of your life together - you have fun, share enthusiasms, are soul-mates? I can certainly understand you being sick to death with frustration...been there myself!



Needy_Wife said:


> I don't think I am too pushy. Its not like I do this everyday. I will push once or twice a month. I figured if he saw that I was totally interested...he would get over his insecurities. I have seen him naked a million times....so I don't understand why all of a sudden he is holding back.
> I have tried the massage approach, and that usually when the "magic" happens. He loves when I take my nails down his back (softly, almost a tickle)...and I just move from his back, to his shoulders, chest, and down. If he does let it happen...its right then and there. There is no foreplay (((( I HEART foreplay )))).
> I do what I can to get him in the mood, but he rarely does the same for me.
> He used to give me oral every night before sex, and I would of course return the favor...but I cant even remember the last time he did that for me. I keep myself clean and bare...so I don't get it.
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Steve,
Sorry for the tone. I didn't mean to seem harsh. And I agree that each situation is complex. Like for us - if I radiated desire at her every day even if I didn't explicitly ASK - if it was a constant unspoken request my wife - whose drive is much lower - would feel pressured and resentful and it would take the fun out of it for her. So I agree that constant/daily pressure is bad bad bad in those situations. 

We have a very nice compromise on frequency - PLUS we both have the benefit of knowing that on any given night if "our" need is important, the other will happily accede to it. So on a night it is important to her that we DON'T connect - no matter what I am fine with that. Just as if on a given night I say "baby I am dying" she will just laugh and say "I am all over it". 

But it was MUCH harder when the roaring of testosterone in my blood drove me to an intense desire for daily sex and while she was willing to make the effort to have sex 5-6 nights a week, she always felt pressured and I always felt tense about sex. 

Now age having taken the edge off - twice a week makes for a happy combination and she initiates almost half the time. And in a given week if I want a little more she obliges and if she is having a terrible week I give her the option to connect a bit less. 




steve71 said:


> Well, this seems a little tough. I reckon we can only find out if a lover is 'refusing' by doing them the honour of going along with what they ask for and making a judgement later. And i'm not sure anything is 'typical' in love affairs - different strokes for different folks


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Needy_Wife said:


> LTH, I dont understand it either. Never in a million years did I think I would be in a marriage where I would be the one begging for it.
> Like I said in another thread here...I will just have to keep up with my "self satisfaction". I have become a pro at it.



You and me both!!!! However, "self satisfaction" isn't going to cut it for much longer. I feel for you (and for me).


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