# How do I get out?



## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

How do I get out of this marriage?? I am 30 years old and have been married 1 year for the first time. I don't know how to get out of this marriage. My husband is what everyone calls a "nice guy" and I'm not supposed to want to leave him. How dare I want to leave him???? But I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like the bad one in this marriage. I'm tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me. I'm tired of being scared of him. He has never really hurt me physically. But, everytime something goes wrong, I'm afraid that is what is going to happen.

We've been married one year this past July. His 2nd. My 1st. He has no contact with his 2 children from his previous marriage. He made me believe when we were dating that they were very close, but his job did not allow him to see them much. His job has changed since then. They want nothing to do with him. 

We've had sex 3 times since being married. I'm 30. I've had sex before. I've enjoyed sex before. I hate being with him. I hate being alone and not having sex with him. We had sex 3 times since we were married ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Did not happen on our wedding night because he yelled at me on our wedding night and then left. We had sex once on our honeymoon and then once 2 months later and now he sleep on the couch. He blames that on me, although I have begged him over and over and over to sleep in our bed. Now, he's been gone so long I don't even want him near me in our bed.

So, we go out in our small town on the weekend. And then he drinks and we fight. But, according to him, it's always my fault. Our marriage counselor, who we saw for just a few weeks, told him he shouldn't drink because he only has 2 emotions. Happy and Mad. But, he still drinks. and when he drinks, everything he has ever been upset about comes out and it's all my fault. I"m to blame for everything. He tells me I'm crazy, and that I'm a drunk, and that I don't deserve him. Every time he drinks. And then for 2 days after he gives me the silent treatment until I can't stand it anymore and have to talk to him. Am I living with a child???? Or am I living with a man??

I know that if I divorce him to move on, he will tell me that I have let him down and that I told him I never wanted to be divorced. But, this is not a marriage!!!! This isn't even roommates!!!!! He has also told me that I can't do this to him. That he can't go through another divorce!!!!! How is that my fault??? But, he knows that I will take that personally and want to not hurt him in the future.

Please, please, please help me figure out what I can do. I do have a great job. I am 30 and have no children to take care of. But, I do live away from my family and am on my own at this time. We live in a house provided by his job. I pay most the bills. We live 12 miles from town. I cannot drive due to breaking my foot. How can I get out and what can I do??? 

I've posted before and some know my story, but I need advice and need to know that there are others out there that are going through the same **** as me.....


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You've got to decide what you want. A. Are you just venting here and don't really want go through the cost of changing things - which is fine. B. Do you want to try to salvage the marriage if things can improve. C. Do you want out no matter what. If it's A - that's cool. If it's B - maybe you can show him your post above? You express pretty well there just how serious this is for you. You have to get across to him in a calm and rational manner that the current state of the marriage is not acceptable and that if it does not change you will leave. If it's C, you just have to do it. Find an attorney and get on with it. There is no "good" or "right" time to make a change like divorce. You just have to decide that the price of staying is higher than the price of leaving. 

For God's sake do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other. Based on how you describe his relationship with his kids from his first marriage, he may just not be the parenting type.

Good Luck.


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## WayTooAverage (Jul 29, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other.
> 
> Good luck.


*absolutely!!!*


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Consult a divorce lawyer about filing for an annulment or a divorce.

No shame in admitting this is not working.

Life's short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> You've got to decide what you want. A. Are you just venting here and don't really want go through the cost of changing things - which is fine. B. Do you want to try to salvage the marriage if things can improve. C. Do you want out no matter what. If it's A - that's cool. If it's B - maybe you can show him your post above? You express pretty well there just how serious this is for you. You have to get across to him in a calm and rational manner that the current state of the marriage is not acceptable and that if it does not change you will leave. If it's C, you just have to do it. Find an attorney and get on with it. There is no "good" or "right" time to make a change like divorce. You just have to decide that the price of staying is higher than the price of leaving.
> 
> For God's sake do not get pregnant until your marriage is resolved one way or the other. Based on how you describe his relationship with his kids from his first marriage, he may just not be the parenting type.
> 
> Good Luck.


Part of me is just venting, but I've been just venting about this for the past year. I just don't know how to do it anymore. This is not a marriage. Things shouldn't be like this already in our marriage. Actually, things should never be like this in a good marriage. But, I just don't know how to get out. I don't want to quit if there is any way to salvage our marriage, but things haven't gotten better. We went to a few days of marriage counseling and he was seeing the counselor on his own too. But, he quit as soon as he decided he was "better" and didn't need help anymore. He doesn't know how to communicate with me. He just gives me the silent treatment whenever he gets upset and then it all comes out at one time when he finally lets it out. He lets people walk all over him, including his family. He is very codependent. Marriage counseling wasn't helping us with the counselor we were seeing. My husband would just cry pretty much the whole session, which was frustrating. He promises things in counseling, but doesn't follow through at home. He admits things in counseling, but then goes back on that at home. A month or so ago, he told me to give him one more chance, give him another week to prove that he could open up to me and talk to me. But, that still hasn't happened. I'm not sure why I can't just walk away. I want a family. I want kids. I don't want kids with him at this time. I guess I'm probably just AFRAID of the change, of moving, of being alone, of starting over. I suppose that's what everyone goes through in this situation. I also have another dilemma at this time. I broke my right foot and won't be able to drive until I get this boot off. We live 12 miles out of town and I work in town. I don't have family near here. I am reliant on my husband for all my transportation right now and will be for about another month at least. I guess that's just something I am going to have to deal with for now.

We definitely won't be having any kids. We don't even have sex, so that isn't even in the equation. But thanks for the warning. I am a big believer in not having children until you are truly, truly ready.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

A month is nothing. You can't get the paperwork done, filed and finalized in 30 days even in an amicable divorce so your foot isn't really costing you anything. I think once you can drive you need to contact an attorney so you at least really understand what your options are. From there you can either proceed with D or give the marriage one last shot. If you elect to give it one more try, pull no punches - what have you got to lose? Lay it all out there so he has the benefit of knowing what's about to happen if things don't change. 

Change never comes easy, but if you want things to get better - either way - you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. For what it's worth my $.02 is this. You married him for a reason. Once you foot is better I'd resolve to either fix it or break it, but to change it one way or the other for good.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> A month is nothing. You can't get the paperwork done, filed and finalized in 30 days even in an amicable divorce so your foot isn't really costing you anything. I think once you can drive you need to contact an attorney so you at least really understand what your options are. From there you can either proceed with D or give the marriage one last shot. If you elect to give it one more try, pull no punches - what have you got to lose? Lay it all out there so he has the benefit of knowing what's about to happen if things don't change.
> 
> Change never comes easy, but if you want things to get better - either way - you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone. For what it's worth my $.02 is this. You married him for a reason. Once you foot is better I'd resolve to either fix it or break it, but to change it one way or the other for good.


You are right. I did marry him for a reason. I just can't see those reasons anymore. It seems that as soon as we got married his true person came out. It's like he put on his best self when we were dating and did anything to make me like him, and then gave up when we got married. Also, I thought him being a "nice guy" is what I needed. I thought that would be what mattered. But, just being a "nice guy" doesn't cut it. Whenever he gets upset he ignores me and gives me the silent treatment, and refuses to ever talk about anything or work on anything. And he quit sleeping in our bedroom before December. And he won't initiate any sex. I've treid and tried to discuss this with him, but he only gets upset and angry.

I know it's time to fix it or move on. I'm just scared. That's normal, I know, but hearing from other people and talking it out does help.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

So, today was a crappy day. It was raining out. My h and I fought this morning because I told him it was raining out and dogs needed to be in out of the rain, and he claimed it wasn't raining. Of course it was and then he was pissy (cuz he was wrong). So, everything was a fight then. So, we left the house. Me on my crutches with my bag. He went out and sat in the truck. I'm trying to make it out the door with all my crap and he won't help me because he is in the truck giving me the silent treatment as usual. I slip on the rainy steps and fall. Then he wants to help and be nice. I am done. I get upset and cry and tell him I'm so tired of this crappy marriage anyway. 

We go to town tonight because I have errands to run and can't drive with my boot. Everything is ok. But, on the way home we try to talk about our marriage. Problem is, he can't talk. He is either all negative, or gives me the silent treatment. He was in counseling for this, but quit as soon as him and the counselor decided he was "fixed". 5 weeks maybe??? So, he is upset and says we can't talk about our relationship because everything is always his fault and I make big things out of nothing. Out of nothing???? So, not having sex for almost an entire year (and we've only been married a little over a year) is OK?????? That's a little thing??? Again, he says that is my fault. Although every time we fight, including tonight, I ask him to come to bed. But, months later, he still sleeps on the couch and tells me it's my fault.

I want to leave, but he makes me leaving a bad thing. He makes me feel like I'm the biggest piece of **** for wanting to leave. I'm starting to feel that maybe this is his way of controlling me. I've been in a very controlling relationship before. It was a little more obvious, but isn't my h doing the exact same thing by playing with my feelings this way??? Putting the blame on me and making me feel like I'm an awful person if I "put him through a divorce again"??? (HIS WORDS)

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out and still feel ok about myself. I'm scared to get out, but this marriage is a joke. I don't want to hurt him. But I can't live my life like this. I don't care whose "fault" it is. I'm not here to blame. WE DON'T GET ALONG! WE ARE NOT COMPATIBLE!!! THAT'S NOT ANYONE'S FAULT!!! But, he takes it as I am only blaming him. The only thing I blame him for now is for not SEEING it!!! And for pushing everything under the rug every time I try to talk to him and trying to pretend everything is ok. Why not??? That's what he does with his family. That's what he does with his terrible relationship with his kids.....

AHHHHHH! WHY COULDN'T i HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE MARRIAGE!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

ku, the only words I can think of are these, "to thine own self be true." All you can do is be absolutely sure that you have given your H all of the information. That you have done your absolute best to make him understand that you cannot continue on in the marriage as it exist. If he won't hear you, won't work on it, or can't change that's not your fault and you must do what is best for you. The failure of a marriage is not something to take lightly so it's good that you're struggling with it, but that doesn't mean that it may not ultimately be the right answer anyway.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you aren't happy, leave.

Married for a year and you haven't had sex for a year AND he doesn't sleep in bed with you??

Um, why are you with him still? If he doesn't put forth the effort (if you both don't), you have no marriage to speak of. 

How long have you been together for?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How often does he give you the silent treatment? And for how long?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> I'm tired of being scared of him. He has never really hurt me physically. But, everytime something goes wrong, I'm afraid that is what is going to happen.


Explain. Afraid WHAT is going to happen?




ku1980rose said:


> He has no contact with his 2 children from his previous marriage. They want nothing to do with him.


HUGE RED FLAG. Why don't his kids want anything to do with him??? Do you know why he divorced???




ku1980rose said:


> We've had sex 3 times since being married. I'm 30. I've had sex before. I've enjoyed sex before. I hate being with him. I hate being alone and not having sex with him. We had sex 3 times since we were married ONE of those times was on our honeymoon. Did not happen on our wedding night because he yelled at me on our wedding night and then left. We had sex once on our honeymoon and then once 2 months later and now he sleep on the couch. He blames that on me, although I have begged him over and over and over to sleep in our bed.
> I"m to blame for everything. He tells me I'm crazy, and that I'm a drunk, and that I don't deserve him. And then for 2 days after he gives me the silent treatment until I can't stand it anymore and have to talk to him.





ku1980rose said:


> I know that if I divorce him to move on, he will tell me that I have let him down and that I told him I never wanted to be divorced. But, this is not a marriage!!!! This isn't even roommates!!!!! He has also told me that I can't do this to him. That he can't go through another divorce!!!!! How is that my fault??? But, he knows that I will take that personally and want to not hurt him in the future.


Who cares what he thinks? He doesn't have sex wtih you, isn't a good father, gives you the silent treatments, blames everything on you and makes no effort to correct his behavior.

File and be done. Unless you want "more of the same."


Please, please, please help me figure out what I can do. I do have a great job. I am 30 and have no children to take care of. But, I do live away from my family and am on my own at this time. We live in a house provided by his job. I pay most the bills. We live 12 miles from town. I cannot drive due to breaking my foot. How can I get out and what can I do??? 

I've posted before and some know my story, but I need advice and need to know that there are others out there that are going through the same **** as me.....[/QUOTE]


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

Have you considered the fact that he is simply homosexual? He may avoid his Ex and his kids simply because he doesn't want YOU talking to them and finding out something from his past. 

I don't personally know of any man who is happy with sex three times a year. Even in a horrible relationship with a woman he cant stand, men will usually still usually try for sex. 

My advice is to read these forums and hook up with one of the husbands here whose wife doesn't have sex. There are plenty of those sorts of situations on here, so there has to be several near you. 

I'm half joking, of course.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

rikithemonk said:


> Even in a horrible relationship with a woman he cant stand, men will usually still usually try for sex.


Made me :rofl:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ku, you KNOW this isn't a marriage and you KNOW you aren't the wrong one. He is mentally abusive and NObody would want you to stay in that marriage. Go back to your counselor and ask her to help you set up a plan to leave him. Or go to the closest women's shelter, or United Way. Start moving your stuff out to a friend's house, a bit at a time. Start saving money in a new account only you have access to. Keep your keys and your purse near the door at all times so you can leave in a hurry. Keep a bag packed of overnight necessities in your car or near the door or at a friend's house. Start looking for apartments and pricing them; work on your budget.

And then set a date and JUST LEAVE.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I have been sitting at home this weekend contemplating how and when to leave. I've realized that I can't do this. Nothing ever changes and nothing ever will. Everytime things get serious, he shuts down. Ignores me. Ignores anything about our relationship. Continues to act like everything is fine and continues to act like the way we are living is perfectly normal. I am so lonely. I am so alone. I'm starting to feel very depressed and he can't even see this. He had the whole weekend off and never went to see his kids. Never does. Yesterday he planted grass then watched football. Today he went hunting, but never invited me until he was already hunting. He knows I can't drive anywhere. He knows I'm stuck here when he is gone since my foot is still broken. Yet, he doesn't ask me to do anything because that would mean actually talking to me. I can't seem to even get out of bed this weekend. I've dealt with depression and the last thing I want to do is be back in that dark place. But I feel so lost, so alone, and so hopeless with this marriage. I was thinking that maybe I could just make this work. But, I can't. I don't even find him attractive anymore. I am completely turned off by him. And it doesn't matter what I say, he still says I'm the one who pushed him out of our bedroom, and then still continues to sleep on the couch. Our anniversary was in July. He was making me a bookshelf. Even that doesn't get his full attention. It's still half done and sitting in the shed. Even with free time this weekend, he doesn't get it done. Another thing to ignore.

I was always told you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. Well, I can't live with him....and I CAN live without him. So, I think that is pretty telling in what I should do.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> How often does he give you the silent treatment? And for how long?


The silent treatment is whenever things get serious, or I get upset at him, or he gets upset at me....so it is often. Then, instead of dealing with it, he shuts down and ignores everything. Acts like I'm not even here. It can last for a couple of days. Then, all of a sudden, he just goes back to acting like everything is normal without ever talking about what got us there in the first place. That's why nothing has ever been dealt with and we are still fighting over things that happened at the beginning of our marriage. Because anytime anything is brought up and he is uncomfortable, he shuts downs. Sometimes he just gets angry and leaves and then ignores me. Other times he gets upset and leaves and cries all the time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What are you doing to get away from him?


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> What are you doing to get away from him?


I've decided it's time to split up. A year of no sex when we have only been married a little over a year is a big part of the problem and a big sign that this is not working. I tried to talk to him yesterday, but we just blew up. He knows what buttons of mine to push and then i get upset as well. I've told my mom that it's time. I think she agrees, although she of course doesn't want to see me divorced. It was never in my plans either. My parents have been married almost forty years and that's one reason I took my time getting married. I wanted it to last. I didn't marry until I was almost 30. 

I'm looking for a place to live. Maybe even purchase a home. Would like to remain in the country because we have animals that I wouldn't be able to have if I lived in town, and they are a big part of me. Something that definitely keeps me happy. 

I don't think he will fight me on anything, so I don't see the need for a lawyer at this point. If anything, he will play the martyr, and give up as much as he can for me to take with me. But, other than that, I don't see him being much help on making this split. It will be up to me to find a place to live and find a way to move out. It's not that I expect him to be happy about it and WANT to help me. But, I just wish he would accept it. I can't understand what he's thinking and why he thinks this is any way to have a marriage. But, that's part of the problem. He refuses to deal with anything that makes him feel uncomfortable. That's why his kids won't talk to him anymore. When things started getting rough and his ex was working against him seeing them, he just shut down and gave up. 6 months went by, then almost a year, before he tried to contact them. It's like he expected the kids to make the first move if they really wanted him in their lives....but they are KIDS. He is supposed to be the adult in that situation. But, that's another matter entirely.

The place we live in is supplied by his job, so I will definitely be the one moving. That just makes me more frustrated. Not that I think I should stay and he should move, either. Just that I feel like I'm the one who is taking the brunt of the responsibilities. And I'm starting to feel beaten down because of it. Sometimes it feels as if there is no way out of all of this. I want to be able to see the light, but I just can't at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only thing I would ask - unless he's abusive - is that you tell him ahead of time so he at least has a chance to wrap his head around it. 

Statistics show that probably 90% of men whose wives leaves them never really 'hear' the message until she's actually ready to leave. Some good portion of those men WILL finally see the light and be willing to learn and change. So there is some chance you could still have the marriage you want. But you have to tell him first.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> The only thing I would ask - unless he's abusive - is that you tell him ahead of time so he at least has a chance to wrap his head around it.
> 
> Statistics show that probably 90% of men whose wives leaves them never really 'hear' the message until she's actually ready to leave. Some good portion of those men WILL finally see the light and be willing to learn and change. So there is some chance you could still have the marriage you want. But you have to tell him first.


I have been telling him. But, he seems to be oblivious to the fact that we have problems. His reaction is like everything was great and then I dropped this bomb on him. Although he has chosen to sleep on the couch since December. I just don't think he wants to admit it to himself at this time. I also think he battles depression, but won't admit it (or does sometimes) but doesn't get any help. I thought he "saw the light" already and was making the changes. He has been helping me out a lot, making dinner, cleaning, etc. Those things are great, but they aren't: talking to me, sharing things with me, sleeping in the same bed, communicating without shutting down or blowing up, etc.


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## bohemian11 (Sep 20, 2011)

ku1980rose - I was once like you - all the signs were there that my marriage would never work. I've said to myself so many times that if we didn't have kids I'd be nowhere near here. I know you two aren't sleeping together, but just be thankful you don't have a family tying you to this person. I know divorce hurts, but you're free and you can get away from him fairly easily. Be glad you have a good job and are independent - so many stuck in crap marriages have no ability to support themselves. If I were you, I'd get into individual therapy (if you're not already) and work on getting stronger, strong enough to leave this situation that likely won't get any better. You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Saying 'we have problems' is MILES AWAY from saying "I'm leaving you.' 

Sorry.

Don't buy it.

Tell him the truth.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Saying 'we have problems' is MILES AWAY from saying "I'm leaving you.'
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> ...


I did tell him that I am leaving him. I did tell him that we need to divorce. He just chooses not to hear it. Or hears it once, but then seems to think if he just pretends like it never happened, then it never will go the whole way. I told him last weekend that it is time for me to find a place to live and that we need to start figuring out how we are going to go our separate ways. I was waiting until my broken foot healed so I could drive on my own. I got rid of my crutches Wednesday, and have permission to walk some on my foot without the boot. However, last night I stubbed my little toe, which just happens to be connected to the stupid bone I broke in my foot. So, I am having lots of pain and am back in my boot full time for a while longer. It hasn't been easy. He has gone back to ignoring the problem again. This entire week he has refused to even discuss that I brought up leaving. He knows that I am waiting for my foot to heal. But, I think he also believes that it will go away with time.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So when are you leaving and divorcing him?

He can "choose tno to hear it" all he wants. Question is--when are you going to take action? You've been spinning your wheels for a long long time, Ku.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> So when are you leaving and divorcing him?
> 
> He can "choose tno to hear it" all he wants. Question is--when are you going to take action? You've been spinning your wheels for a long long time, Ku.


Sorry, but this is my thought too. How many times have you told him that you're separating/divorcing, and nothing happens? If you want this to happen, you need to take action, not just talk about it. Whether he choses to believe you or not is irrelevant. He'll get his wake-up call when he comes home and you're not there.

My wife went through denial through our separation. I told her in early December that I wanted a separation, and we stayed together over Christmas for the kids. Just taking the steps to get everything out was a huge load off for me, and I think she possibly saw this easing of tensions as a sign that it wasn't going to happen. And I didn't see a point to bringing it up every day, or even really updating her on a regular basis, like when I found an place to live and stuff. I think it wasn't until I started shifting things out of the house that it finally became real to her, unfortunately. But I never let her denial stop me from doing what I needed to do.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> I did tell him that I am leaving him. I did tell him that we need to divorce. He just chooses not to hear it. Or hears it once, but then seems to think if he just pretends like it never happened, then it never will go the whole way. I told him last weekend that it is time for me to find a place to live and that we need to start figuring out how we are going to go our separate ways. I was waiting until my broken foot healed so I could drive on my own. I got rid of my crutches Wednesday, and have permission to walk some on my foot without the boot. However, last night I stubbed my little toe, which just happens to be connected to the stupid bone I broke in my foot. So, I am having lots of pain and am back in my boot full time for a while longer. It hasn't been easy. He has gone back to ignoring the problem again. This entire week he has refused to even discuss that I brought up leaving. He knows that I am waiting for my foot to heal. But, I think he also believes that it will go away with time.


I know you may have thought I was joking, but I'm not. A lot of homosexuals have children because they were married at some point. Mark my words, this guys going to turn out gay. No straight adult male gets married and stops having sex instantly. 

He doesn't see a problem because he simply using you so that he looks normal. He hasn't come to terms with his homosexuality.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

PBear said:


> Sorry, but this is my thought too. How many times have you told him that you're separating/divorcing, and nothing happens? If you want this to happen, you need to take action, not just talk about it. Whether he choses to believe you or not is irrelevant. He'll get his wake-up call when he comes home and you're not there.
> 
> My wife went through denial through our separation. I told her in early December that I wanted a separation, and we stayed together over Christmas for the kids. Just taking the steps to get everything out was a huge load off for me, and I think she possibly saw this easing of tensions as a sign that it wasn't going to happen. And I didn't see a point to bringing it up every day, or even really updating her on a regular basis, like when I found an place to live and stuff. I think it wasn't until I started shifting things out of the house that it finally became real to her, unfortunately. But I never let her denial stop me from doing what I needed to do.
> 
> ...


Yes, I know I've been thinking about this for a long time. But, that is how I am with major decisions. I think about it and think of all possible ways it could go. I do care about him. And he isn't a bad guy. I think it would be easier to leave if I felt he was a "bad guy". I've been reading "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay" this past week and it is pretty enlightening. It's just a very hard decision to make and I"ve never been good at making big decisions because I never want to make the wrong decision. Sounds stupid to some, but that's what I do. Maybe that's why I never got married until I was almost 30? Or why I don't have kids, because it is such a big decision and affects the rest of your life. I'm working my way through this at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My brother could never make decisions. His therapist told him it was because he has low self esteem and he has no faith in himself to make a good decision...erego he makes none. He once spent an entire year driving an hour each way to college for his Masters because he couldn't decide if he should move to a closer apartment.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> My brother could never make decisions. His therapist told him it was because he has low self esteem and he has no faith in himself to make a good decision...erego he makes none. He once spent an entire year driving an hour each way to college for his Masters because he couldn't decide if he should move to a closer apartment.


I don't think I'm that bad at making decisions, but I do agree it comes from a low self esteem. I have a higher self esteem of myself now than I did when I was younger, but I am still afraid to make the wrong decisions in life. Mostly when it comes to large things. And it's hard to get out of your comfort zone no matter what that is. 

The other problem is that, at times, I can convince myself that it is wrong to leave him. That I haven't tried hard enough. That we could turn this around. But, after bringing the subject up for over a year now, and he still won't talk about it, and still ignores the problems, I just don't know how I can keep this going. On the other hand, I don't know how to leave either. We can get along just fine as long as we ignore every problem we have and everything that is driving a wedge between us. But, that's no way to live either. And, it is October now, so it is actually a YEAR since we've had sex. Is that my fault?? No matter how many times I've brought it up to him, he still sleeps on the couch. Until I finally don't even WANT to have sex with him. Maybe I didn't try hard enough??? I don't know. These are just some of the thoughts that go through my head every time I think of leaving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why stay in that? That's not a marriage. That's a convenience.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Why stay in that? That's not a marriage. That's a convenience.


You are right.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Can I chime in? As a "niceguy" who also tried so hard to do no harm (and also refused to accept the problems we were facing), until my W actually took action on her decision to end the marriage I wasn't willing or able to comprehend making the kind of changes I needed - I was so paralyzed with indecision. I too wouldn't initiate any sex because if I was turned down or turned away I took it as a sign that I wasn't attractive or appealing in any kind of sexual way, and so I'd gladly sleep in the spare room and not pursue her and take care of my own needs.

rikthemonk doesn't understand how niceguys think (your H is not homosexual) he just lost your respect and attraction and has always sensed it, he doesn't pursue or initiate because he thinks it will drive you further away or bother you. When things were sexless in my marriage my W never initiated with me either, if she would have just once come to my bed and put her lips on me, or just told me things would be fine it could have started to rekindle my confidence a lot. Instead she refused (or perhaps just wasn't capable) to "fake it until I could make it", but if that is within your power I so strongly suggest just go to him and pleasure him for no reason other than you have nothing to lose, I bet if you could just stroke his ego a little he could start finding a reason to get his act together. When he is motivated tell him to start reading the man up tips in the mens clubhouse section.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can't hurt.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

YOU are the one with the problem...

HE is a problem...and YOU have him. So you have the problem! Like chicken pox!

Problems associated with divorces hinge on kids, homestead, and money. It seems like you haven't really accrued any of that together. 

MOST posts I see are dealing with ardent head-scratching over the kids/property/money issues...which...as in my case...slows everything down to where you simply cannot "escape" easily. You have to bide your time and endure the situation as best you can.

So, what's stopping you??? Get out...


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> Can I chime in? As a "niceguy" who also tried so hard to do no harm (and also refused to accept the problems we were facing), until my W actually took action on her decision to end the marriage I wasn't willing or able to comprehend making the kind of changes I needed - I was so paralyzed with indecision. I too wouldn't initiate any sex because if I was turned down or turned away I took it as a sign that I wasn't attractive or appealing in any kind of sexual way, and so I'd gladly sleep in the spare room and not pursue her and take care of my own needs.
> 
> rikthemonk doesn't understand how niceguys think (your H is not homosexual) he just lost your respect and attraction and has always sensed it, he doesn't pursue or initiate because he thinks it will drive you further away or bother you. When things were sexless in my marriage my W never initiated with me either, if she would have just once come to my bed and put her lips on me, or just told me things would be fine it could have started to rekindle my confidence a lot. Instead she refused (or perhaps just wasn't capable) to "fake it until I could make it", but if that is within your power I so strongly suggest just go to him and pleasure him for no reason other than you have nothing to lose, I bet if you could just stroke his ego a little he could start finding a reason to get his act together. When he is motivated tell him to start reading the man up tips in the mens clubhouse section.


It really sounds like you know my h well. He has read a few things, books and stuff that I've found for him. He thinks he is trying, or at least he tells me he is trying. I understand what you are saying about "fake it", but I just can't. I can't bring myself to even try anymore. It's gone on too long. You do sound just like him, about not trying because you are afraid to be turned down. I don't think he is homosexual. But, I do think he has a problem. I think he has very low self esteem. I think he is so afraid of failing that he just doesn't try. But, i don't know what I can do to help him anymore. And I can't bring myself to just be with him sexually just so he feels it is ok. He hasn't tried, and now I am so turned away it would feel wrong to be with him. After only being married a year and having sex 3 times, it's just not even comfortable with us.

Thank you for your reply. I would like to hear more about your relationship.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Tommo said:


> YOU are the one with the problem...
> 
> HE is a problem...and YOU have him. So you have the problem! Like chicken pox!
> 
> ...


What's stopping me?? Sometimes I truly don't know. But, it's my pride, my family, his emotions........my dreams.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you are still stuck?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Look, nobody's perfect. Your inability to get on with things is a problem of your own to deal with. He ain't perfect, you ain't poi-fek!

You aren't soul mates...

Take another bus...

Wishing you well...


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> So you are still stuck?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just got my boot off my broken foot. So, finally able to drive myself places, which is a huge thing. Still in limbo though. I know I shouldn't be, but I AM.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I meant about your situation. Sounds like nothing has changed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ku1980rose said:


> I think he is so afraid of failing that he just doesn't try. But, i don't know what I can do to help him anymore.


Tell him this, for starters. Let him know you understand.

That said, what you describe isn't much of a marriage. Is that what you wanted when you were growing up?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> Just got my boot off my broken foot. So, finally able to drive myself places, which is a huge thing. Still in limbo though. I know I shouldn't be, but I AM.


You are only in limbo because you choose to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> I meant about your situation. Sounds like nothing has changed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know that is what you meant. One big reason I felt stuck was that I was dependent on him during this time. Now I'm not. But, no, it hasn't changed yet. Still fighting my feelings.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> Tell him this, for starters. Let him know you understand.
> 
> That said, what you describe isn't much of a marriage. Is that what you wanted when you were growing up?


No, definitely not. It's not what I wanted. It's not my dream. It's definitely not a marriage. That's what I've tried to tell him. I am working on figuring things out financially and looking at whether to go through a lawyer or do paperwork on my own. Looking at living situations. Going to talk to my parents this weekend. Trying to get support that I need to get out. But, meanwhile, we are still living in limbo. 

But I am trying.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, just get a plan, then. You can handle a year while you're setting your plan in place.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

ku1980rose said:


> Part of me is just venting, but I've been just venting about this for the past year.


Huh? I don't quite get it. You've only been married for a year...and you're venting about for a year? I mean, was the self-destruct switch thrown at the wedding? If so...determine WHO threw the switch...and re-examine it from that time onward...

Sounds like an annulment rather than a divorce. Legally...and ethically...they are two different things. Sounds like this marriage never happened. (Some people have all the luck!)


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Tommo said:


> Huh? I don't quite get it. You've only been married for a year...and you're venting about for a year? I mean, was the self-destruct switch thrown at the wedding? If so...determine WHO threw the switch...and re-examine it from that time onward...
> 
> Sounds like an annulment rather than a divorce. Legally...and ethically...they are two different things. Sounds like this marriage never happened. (Some people have all the luck!)


I wish it could just be an annulment, but I think maybe that is state by state and I can't find any info on it for my state. I'll look again.

Yes, I've been venting this entire year. Who through the self-destruct switch? My husband. It's like he completely changed the moment we got married. I don't understand it. But, it's like he just didn't even care to try anymore. 

One example: We didn't even have sex on our wedding night. I'll try to explain quickly. He has a bad relationship with his mother and she is not nice to him or me, but came to the wedding because he can't stand up to her. She made a scene at the wedding and then text him during our wedding night. He ACTUALLY ANSWERED THE TEXT! And when I got upset about his mother, he blew up at me and started yelling at me. And, that was that. Since then, he did stand up to his mother a few months ago through a letter with advice from a counselor. However, this is after she joined with his ex to help keep his kids away from us. His mother is absolutely crazy. And she was abusive to him and still has an emotional and mental hold on him. 

I understand that how he grew up really affects his way of thinking even to this day, but that is just one example of our relationship. It hasn't been easy at all. And he put a wall up and shut me out of his world and I have fought and fought to get back in. Then, he started sleeping on the couch every so often and told me that he "accidently" fell asleep. He said that until it started being every night. He has now been out there every night since December.

So, we've had sex 3 times since we got married! THREE TIMES! And 1 was on our honeymoon. Not long after we married I found he was watching porn on my computer and there was history on my computer for links to dating websites. Of course he denied all of it and said it must've been when he was in his email.....must've been spam. Later, he admitted to porn and all he tells me is he doesn't know why. He never admitted to the dating websites although there were repeated visits on the history. Once he found out I could see all that, he hasn't been on since that I can tell.

So, that is how our marriage began. Explain it to me, please? That is why I am now wanting to get out. That is why I've vented for a year - although why I stuck it out that long is a mystery to even me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So why are you still there?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You have a huge project on your hands. If you want to take it on. 
H sounds like he might have some unresolved issues from his past, and now they are "your" issues. But are they really?
He will make you miserable, if you let him. If you aren't yet in a place where you want to pick up and move and move on, there is a big thing you can do, for yourself.

Go do things you like to do. Read books. See the posts about recommended books to read. Heal yourself. Learn to be happy again. 
Really truly happy. Feel free to tell him about it. Kinda like a 180 for women. Turn yourself around.
He might notice, might tune in, and he might not.
You have nothing to lose, and lots to gain. In time, if he hasn't tuned in to you, you are ready to make up your mind and be comfortable with being single.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Ku, you know in my replies to you in your other post ("talking to him is a joke") I sorta overlooked that you are still supposed to be newlyweds... I think a lot of what I was suggesting to try to save it was under the assumption there was something really worth saving... but reviewing all your posts it has become clear to me that neither of you really seem into the marriage. If your H is the "nice guy" I kind of had pictured he would be trying a lot harder at this point - usually they care about being able to keep up appearances. At this point anyone who knows what you both are going through are speaking with reason and logic if they tell you to end the marriage - it pretty well has already, in fact it never really started by the sounds of it (even your counsellor said so, no?) Making it formal at this point will not cause further damage, so really just do what you know is right, yeah marriage is a worthy goal, but you really don't have one it seems and life is too short to sit in limbo about this.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

turnera said:


> So why are you still there?


I'm working on getting out. I had a broken foot the last 2 months, so I relied on him for transportation. We live 12 miles from my job and my family doesn't live here. So, there are circumstances that have kept me in the same house.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lon said:


> Ku, you know in my replies to you in your other post ("talking to him is a joke") I sorta overlooked that you are still supposed to be newlyweds... I think a lot of what I was suggesting to try to save it was under the assumption there was something really worth saving... but reviewing all your posts it has become clear to me that neither of you really seem into the marriage. If your H is the "nice guy" I kind of had pictured he would be trying a lot harder at this point - usually they care about being able to keep up appearances. At this point anyone who knows what you both are going through are speaking with reason and logic if they tell you to end the marriage - it pretty well has already, in fact it never really started by the sounds of it (even your counsellor said so, no?) Making it formal at this point will not cause further damage, so really just do what you know is right, yeah marriage is a worthy goal, but you really don't have one it seems and life is too short to sit in limbo about this.


Thanks for your posts. This is exactly my thoughts. It's just taken me a while to get here. I tried again to talk to him. He apologized for being an A** and being cranky the last couple of days after I brought the issues up. So, I said if you "can't handle" talking everytime I bring issues up, then when can we talk about it?? I give you time to think about it, but then you never come back to it? He had no answer for this. I realized we can't work on issues if he never allows us to work on them.

Circumstances will be keeping me here until after December, but then hopefully I can move out. I am currently looking for a place and have told him this, but he doesn't seem to believe it. Well, it will snap him into reality when I truly leave. Just need to get some things taken care of before going out on my own again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What are you doing to 'get out?' Like what steps have you taken?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> What are you doing to 'get out?' Like what steps have you taken?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm working on the paperwork. I'm checking on finances. I'm talking to my parents who will help me. I'm looking for a place to live. I live in a small town and rentals are hard to find. I'm finally telling people that my h and I are separating and finally talking about why.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Unbelievable what messes we step into.

Also...I didn't have sex with my wife on our wedding night, either. Even the porter at the hotel tried to help the situation by wheeling me into the room on the baggage trolley...

Ugh!


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Tommo said:


> Unbelievable what messes we step into.
> 
> Also...I didn't have sex with my wife on our wedding night, either. Even the porter at the hotel tried to help the situation by wheeling me into the room on the baggage trolley...
> 
> Ugh!


:rofl: or 

A little of both I guess! Thanks for sharing!


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