# How to get her to communicate?



## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

Hello guys, i'm new here 1st post 

Well so the problem i'm having here is my wife grew up in a very strict home and there were various other issues there to say it lightly not such a good childhood. The relevant part is that there was no conflict resolution in her family, and there still isn't to this day in fact, and she doesn't know how and/or isn't comfortable discussing issues. We are a very honest and open couple on all the various parts of life except when it comes to a conflict of sorts. She just shuts down. I try to talk to her but get "nothing" or "nevermind" as the response. Often I will continue attempting to communicate but as she has recently told me this really just pushes her further away and honestly it makes a bigger deal out of something that usually isn't.

She knows she does this and in fact is also seeking to find ways to become better at talking with me because she knows it's not good for us. All in all we are extremely happy, I just don't want issues to go outstanding for weeks/months/years until a small issue is a major ordeal. 

I love her with all my heart, and I know that one of the biggest secrets to a happy marriage is communication. We really have pretty open communication everywhere else. It's only the things that may either upset me or upset her that we can't seem to just sit down and discuss. Any help or thoughts, books or idea's to help me and her overcome this obstacle would be greatly appreciated.


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## Hurting08 (Oct 9, 2008)

I wish I knew the answer - my wife is the same way. After 10 years of marriage and zero communication out of her, we may be past the point of no return. I realize I'm not much help on this one, but I hope you can figure it out long before I did.

I just ordered the 5 Love Languages myself so I can relate to it yet, but quite a few people on her recommend it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H was really like this. He never wanted to talk about our problems. What i started doing was setting aside a time, once a week or so, for thirty minutes and i would tell him i had something serious i needed to talk to him about. But one of the most important things i learned was to ask him if he could respond to me. Instead of just bombarding him with my emotional needs b/c it was a good time for me, and taking it personally when he shut down, i started respecting that sometimes he couldnt respond.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

"nothing" and "nevermind" are both code words. she is communicating. wait, she feels she HAS communicated the same message SEVERAL TIMES to you. you didn't get it then so "nothing" and "nevermind" have become replacement code words for what she actually has told you "a thousand times before."

it's not fair, it just IS.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

voivod said:


> "nothing" and "nevermind" are both code words. she is communicating. wait, she feels she HAS communicated the same message SEVERAL TIMES to you. you didn't get it then so "nothing" and "nevermind" have become replacement code words for what she actually has told you "a thousand times before."


lol...that's pretty good void. that's exactly what 'nothing' and 'nevermind' mean.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> lol...that's pretty good void. that's exactly what 'nothing' and 'nevermind' mean.


unfortunately, it doesn't help our friend here. unless you know where to find a translation book.

go back, ask her..no, tell her, that you know "nothing" and "nevermind" mean something TO HER, but tell her your ignorant and don't know what those words tranlate to. careful, it can sound kinda snotty if you say it wrong.


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

I could understand that if it were that we talked and then after talking for a while the nothing and nevermind started. But that isn't how it is, unless maybe i'm missing something else?

Usually the nothing and nevermind happens when I notice an uneasy tense feeling in the air, when you know something isn't right. Actions are odd and things are just weird. I ask what is wrong then and that's when i get nothing. If we ever do start to talking about it that's when she says nevermind a lot and i don't know. Which may be true she may not know how to say what she is thinking. It seems that it's more like she doesn't know how to say what she is thinking in a way that would be non-confrontational or something of that nature.

ljtseng thank you for that insight i should probably use that approach as well. I will try to work that into any of our conversations.

I was rather tired when i wrote the original of this post, nothing and nevermind are frequent but i left out "i don't know" which seems to just be a way to defer the question. Thank you for your good points here, it is quite helpful.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sure deferrment, but think about this: don't you think she knows "nothing" and "nevermind" and "i don't know" has no tangible meaning within the frame of that conversation? at least subconciously, she IS communicating, with the translation buried in several conversations held in the past. at least in her mind.

i'm telling you, it ain't fair, but it is.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

As a wife who is non-communicative, I give a lot of the 'nothing' and 'I don't know' answers also. My husband has tried everything and we have gone the counseling route a few times. I am not one to analyze my feelings and H analyzes everything! Unfortunately, I tend to avoid confrontation which leads to my stock answers. We have come to a bit of an understanding (or stalemate?) that I will never be able to communicate to his absolute fulfillment, but I do try harder than I ever have. It often makes me feel as though I am missing something, but it simply is not there. It makes me afraid that I am too much of a 'surface' person/conversationalist, yet it is how I have always been. Did you and your wife have meaningful and in depth conversations in years past? Is this something new, or as in my case, something you have built up resentment over the years and are no longer able to get past it?


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

We have good meaningful conversations quite frequently but over things that are happy or just general conversation i'd say. To me it seems as though the only time this seems to be a problem is when there is a conflict of sorts. Discussing money, mostly when there isn't money is sure to get this reaction. She'd just rather not speak of it and inevitably we have to which usually ends up in a very heated conversation, but almost always results in a fair resolution. I wish we could skip the heated conversation parts of that. Other things such as emotional problems or being upset or bothered by something, even things far outside our marriage, tend to get this reaction. She isn't very good at handling the conflicts. She acknowledges this and does wish to talk more openly but seems that she doesn't know how. I suppose she's always been this way just didn't have as much stuff that bothered her before, therefore it wasn't really that big of a deal.

Reading through several comments here I'm seeing several of the same things, it sure helps to get a different perspective from the masses. I probably do need to be willing to accept the answer that she simply doesn't want to talk about it. I have a problem with that though, I hate to have the tension in the air and hate to spend evenings not talking to each other. I can't hardly sleep when i know something just isn't right, and lastly I fear unresolved conflicts will fester and build until they explode or cause constant pain and resentment in our relationship.


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## Jill1984 (Nov 19, 2008)

Well first off.It sounds like she needs space and when she wants to talk she will talk.So try and respect that.

Shes had a hard life background and maybe having to deal with issues now she feels frustrated or she doesn't want to deal with issues cause it brings back bad memories of things in her past.

I see you say she came from a strict home and a not so good childhood.Maybe shes never had to deal with the issues and now that shes married she sees things that triggers the pain and emotional roller coasters thats from her past and she just says "nevermind,forget it or I dont know" Just because she doesnt want to deal with the hard life she had to go through.

the money issue maybe a hard subject for her as well.Have you ever talked to her about how money was in her family.Maybe she had issues with money in her family.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

you know another thing the counselor suggested for us was to give my H a list of emotions. I frequently get a shrug of the shoulders when i ask about his emotions (especially when they're negative), but if i hold up the chart and ask him to point to one emotion he's feeling, we tend to get somewhere.


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

I have given her space when she is upset. But the conversation never follows, it gets forgotten or dropped never to be revisited until the next time something similar happens. Thus my worries about it building into constant pain and resentment if we just don't talk period.

I know money was a problem in her family, it was in mine as well, after reviewing my thoughts and the situation there it's probably a conversation for a different thread and out of the scope of this one. It is a different type of problem there, fortunately it's not a major issue though we may end up arguing a bit but always resolve the problem and usually come out quite fair and compromise well.

The problem I am trying to figure out I suppose is more that we can't seem to communicate about things when there is a conflict, furthermore it's not just we don't talk about it now and it bothers me it's that it will be put off forever but will still somehow come back at some point, never getting resolved. Most of the things I have gotten her to discuss can quite often times turn out to be no big deal at all, she was just worried that it would be.

Lastly I do see that it may just be the way she is in some points, and if I am going to give her space or time to think then I will just have to learn to deal with the problems i have with that.


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## Jill1984 (Nov 19, 2008)

Are you will to except this fault that she has or will you not be able to over look this fault and continue to bring it up?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Wow...if it weren't for the childhood and money issues I would think you are my husband! That is exactly what he says.... "But the conversation never follows, it gets forgotten or dropped never to be revisited until the next time something similar happens. Thus my worries about it building into constant pain and resentment if we just don't talk period." I guess I do the same thing. If we take a rest from the discussion/argument/conversation we are having, I am never the one to bring it up again. I'm done with it while he is still waiting for some resolution. I don't have any great words of wisdom here. I think my husband is resigned to the fact that he will have to initiate the conversation again. Truthfully, once we have stopped, I simply don't think about it again, while that's all he can do is think about it. Have you tried counseling? For some insane reason, I find it is easier to talk about our biggest difficulties when there is a non-biased third party there. We found a counselor who will challenge me in a very non-confrontational way, and it works for us. We went through a few before we found one that works for the both of us. We also go the route where discussions become nuclear and huge blow ups and then we are able to come to reasonable discussions. We are really trying to undo this learned behavior we have become so accustomed to, but it's a pretty steep learning curve! And just a thought....Would she be open to reading this thread?


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

At least we're not the only ones. 

That sounds exactly like us, I'd imagine she probably has already been reading in here some, it is something we both seek to work on and she actually brought me to this site. About to be off work and we'll probably read this together and see how much makes sense for our scenario.


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## themarriedguy (Nov 18, 2008)

Update for this thread.

We sat and talked about it and I had her read through this as well. We ultimately decided to compromise on things, I'm going to back off and give her some space when she needs it and she is going to try to talk more when she can. I really appreciate everyone for your advice and thank you for your ideas. So far this seems to be working and to be making a difference with us.

Thanks!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---Often I will continue attempting to communicate but as she has recently told me this really just pushes her further away and honestly it makes a bigger deal out of something that usually isn't.---

I think I can help a little bit, starting with the above.

#1: When a woman says "don't talk to me" what she is REALLY saying is "I am not in the mood to listen" and/or "anything you say is just going to make me angrier"

That second part is the most important, because as you said yourself -- a small issue gets bigger when you try to force a conversation.

---"nothing" and "nevermind" are both code words. she is communicating. wait, she feels she HAS communicated the same message SEVERAL TIMES to you. you didn't get it then so "nothing" and "nevermind" have become replacement code words for what she actually has told you "a thousand times before."---

This belongs inscribed on the Lincoln Memorial! Screw the Gettysburg address...

The real key is the "a thousand times before". Women encode messages differently than men, and the key is she THINKS that she ALREADY HAS communicated the issue, and that since you haven't gotten it, you won't.

If you press her, she will extrapolate (the WORST thing that can happen by the way) and start remembering OTHER times you didn't get it, and will conclude that you must not know here despite years of marriage, therefore you don't really love her, therefore she is less justified in "wasting her breath" communicating.

If she has had decades of training regarding burying her feelings, then its not going to be fixed easily, if at all.

Some people find self-deprecating jokes to help. Something like "I know you've been trying to tell me something, and I know I'm too dumb to understand it -- I want to understand, and am ready to listen whenever you want to talk"?

I agree with what was said earlier about not bombarding someone with feelings. Setting aside time CAN work, but not if one person is going to use the time as a gripe-fest to just fling venom and muck.

Address one issue at a time, or you'll find yourself up against years of grievances, with no answers.


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