# What is my problem?



## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Quick background: STBXW had an affair in late 2011, worked to reconcile until March 2013, I asked for a divorce, moved out in June 2013, regretted decision (and went into a very deep funk) and got back together in August 2013, stuff was ok for a bit - less than a month probably - but went back to sucking and we agreed this was bad and ended things Oct of this year with full intent to divorce.

She was actually the one that said she wasn't able to do this anymore, but I was honestly RELIVED as I had been feeling the same way. In fact, truth be told, I was absolutely miserable. Of course, neither of us fully cut the cord and constantly texted each other and maintained a connection. Thanksgiving week comes around and she starts melting down about the holidays and starts getting very cold with me, cuts off texts, etc. 

Now that my security blanket is gone, I'm starting to freak out. I don't want to be married to her anymore, but I also don't want to lose the connection. I know that's what's needed and it's the only way I'll be able to move on after 3 years of limbo hell, but it sucks. 

Anyway, don't know if anyone else is going through this / has gone through this and has any advice to offer, but if you do, I'd love to hear it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

What does she want? Did she go cold on you because she is pursuing a new opportunity instead?

Marriage is one of those all-in or all-out things. If you just don't want that level of comittment but still want to have a friendship, connection, or sexual relationship with her and she wants it too, then there is nothing to stop you, you are both free and consenting adults.

Do you have children? It might be very tough on them (feelings of abandonment) if you still spent time to their mom but refused to be as a unified family.

Nothing particularly wrong with just demoting the relationship to a casual dating/friendship thing if it works for both of you, but most people perceive that as a failure and a poor choice for going forward with their lives. But of course if its not mutual than detach and seek out new relationships instead.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Suffering from separation anxiety. Your identity was wrapped tightly with hers. Losing her will feel like losing a part of yourself.

You have to start letting go, and create a new life without her. Your anxiety is from the fear of the unknown. Don't look too far into the future, and it is only one small step at a time. Make goals, and slowly knock them off one at a time.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

Well eff me. It seems that she is a freaking lying, cheating, beatch. But I knew that already. Somehow on my iPad there is an option that shows where someone is. She started texting me. Said she was at home watching movies. Yada yada yada. What she didn't know is that I could see she was actually in a effing hotel downtown, instead of home. I tried to get her to facetime to catch her in her lie. She said I'm always trying to make her check in and she'll talk tomorrow. Lo and behold, 30 minutes later she's trying to FaceTime but this time from home. Oh. My. God. I am so freaking done.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well that answers it. File for divorce.

Build a social life that does not include her.


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## WonderHow (Dec 17, 2012)

The good thing is that my social life is completely separate from her. I have the benefit of a great group of friends and great family. Part of why I have this great support system is that I'm loyal and faithful. It's the same quality that I think has kept me holding on to a dead marriage. After all, this person is the mother of my children and someone I loved more than life itself. I was having a hard time just tossing that aside. I'm just sick about all this. It's really not even so much that she was possibly (most likely) seeing someone else. It's the fact that she LIED so freely about it. Whatever. Again, once a cheater, always a cheater. And I still consider what she did cheating, even though we are separated. If she came to me and said she wanted to see other people, I would have been upset, but at least would have known she was being honest. As it is now, I can't believe a word she says. And I really thought that was one of the things she fixed in herself. Oh well. Someone else's problem now. God help him.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

You have just wasted 3 years of your life on a woman that doesn't love you, cheats on you and wants to divorce you. 

What would your advice be to your best friend if he was in this situation?

Follow your own advice.

This list is made for people like you (and the former me). Follow it and you'll be a much healthier person in a matter of weeks. Don't skip any of it:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WonderHow said:


> The good thing is that my social life is completely separate from her. I have the benefit of a great group of friends and great family. Part of why I have this great support system is that I'm loyal and faithful. It's the same quality that I think has kept me holding on to a dead marriage. After all, this person is the mother of my children and someone I loved more than life itself. I was having a hard time just tossing that aside. I'm just sick about all this. It's really not even so much that she was possibly (most likely) seeing someone else. It's the fact that she LIED so freely about it. Whatever. Again, once a cheater, always a cheater. And I still consider what she did cheating, even though we are separated. If she came to me and said she wanted to see other people, I would have been upset, but at least would have known she was being honest. *As it is now, I can't believe a word she says.* And I really thought that was one of the things she fixed in herself. Oh well. Someone else's problem now. God help him.


And ^there you have it.


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

I understand what you're going through. When my husband and I first separated, the hardest obstacle to overcome is going no contact. You can do it! Call or text anyone else, but her. If you don't, you'll continue to suffer for more time than needed.

It's been 8 months for me and I don't feel the need to check my phone or caller ID to see if he's called- I've moved on. Do I still feel lonely and miss him? yes. But the feelings are not as intense as before. I don't fear the future as much. I'm actually excited to begin dating once I've healed enough to move on. Keep pushing forward!


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