# What would you call this?



## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Hey everyone. I just joined fairly recently and I need some advice. 



Several months ago my husband was talking inappropriately with a few other women. With one of me whom he's known since kindergarten basically. They were talking about how she hadn't had sex in a long time as she's going through a divorce and that she was really tight in that area. He said something like well I'm sure you can find a way to deal with that or something to that effect. With this situation I get that she's a very dear friend of his but I didn't think that it was an appropriate conversation to be having. He didn't see a problem with it because of the fact that they were so close.



The second time he was texting this girl late at night. Now with her I don't know much about but I think they may have had a thing before we met. Later on I happened to see the text because he had me check something on his phone and it was talking about how he really missed her and how they should have gotten together and how he had liked her and such. Oh and there was something about him saying he would show her something if she showed him something.



The last time, which actually happened before the conversation with his friend about her not having sex in a long time was between him and this girl that I don't think he knew very well. They we talking on Facebook and she was asking him to judge her bikini photos because she was trying to be a model or something like that. At first he'd said no he didn't think it was a good idea, but then he later turned around and said ok send me some. So she did. 



Of course I was hurt with all of these situations. In a sense I feel as though he was cheating on me. Even though he didn't actually have any physical sexual contact with any of them, it still feels like that to me. I have forgiven him for each of those times but I'm still hurt and I can't help but be suspicious sometimes because he likes to hide what he's doing on his phone or his iPad. Also the fact that he frequently changes the pass code on them kind of throws a red flag to me as well. 



I just wanted to get some other opinions as to what this could be called if that makes any sense. I don't want to keep feeling uneasy about it as I have forgiven him.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

Here's what study finds:
Men and Women Can&apos;t Be "Just Friends": Scientific American

Well there are really 2 reasons that I know of why a man wants to be really close to a woman that's not his partner: 1) He's gay, 2) He wants to sleep with her.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It's called crossing boundaries and, among other things, it's disrespectful to you. Especially since he keeps doing these kinds of things that cross the line with other women.

Discuss the issue of having boundaries that you don't cross with opposite sex friends. Establish your boundaries. Explain your boundaries and what you will not accept in terms of his behavior with other women. If he keeps crossing them, then you know he has little respect for you. It's up to you whether you continue to accept that from your husband or whether you are better off on your own.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds like your H has crossed the line with these women. You might want to read "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass:- Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

In the meanwhile, this is what Dr Glass has to say about creating boundaries and preventing infidelity in a marriage:-



Maintain appropriate walls and windows. Keep the windows open at home. Put up privacy walls with others who could threaten your marriage.


Recognize that work can be a danger zone. Don't lunch alone or take coffee breaks with the same person all the time. When you travel with a co-worker, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.


Avoid emotional intimacy with attractive alternatives to your committed relationship. Resist the desire to rescue an unhappy soul who pours his or her heart out to you.


Protect your marriage by discussing relationship issues at home. If you do need to talk to someone else about your marriage, be sure that person is a friend of the marriage. If the friend disparages marriage, respond with something positive about your own relationship.


Keep old flames from re-igniting. If a former lover is coming to the class reunion, invite your partner to come along. If you value your marriage, think twice about having lunch with an old flame.


Don't go over the line when you're On-Line with Internet friends. Discuss your online friendships with your partner and show him/her your e-mail if he/she is interested. Invite your partner to join in your correspondence so your Internet friend won't get any wrong ideas. Don't exchange sexual fantasies online.


Make sure your social network is supportive of your marriage. Surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who don't believe in fooling around.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I have told him before that I don't mind if he talks to other women but of course it needs be appropriate and if he feels like he has to hide it then obviously e conversation shouldn't be happening. I've also told him that hanging out in groups is fine, but I'd prefer if he weren't alone with another woman unless it is someone I know well and trust implicitly. I know he does have to work with some women and I honestly do not like the ones he works with and he seems to avoid them as much as possible.

I've always been open with him as far as what male people I talk to. Heck I've even offered to show him the conversations.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He also will "vent" about our relationship to other women and usually it is to the women that are two faced to me. But if I ever want to talk to anyone about our relationship I get told at I shouldn't involve others in our issues, no matter male or female.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to qualify your boundaries here. Apparently, to him, 'talking' to other women includes being sexually suggestive (I'll show you mine if you show me yours?!?!?! WTF?!?!), and also not giving you the same 'permissions' that he has. 

I would call what he's doing 'fishing'. He may not even be aware of it. But he IS enjoying the attention. He's on the slippery slope and falling down fast. I agree that what he is doing should be considered cheating.

Not Just Friends really is the best thing you AND HE could read right now.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TinyGirl said:


> He also will "vent" about our relationship to other women and usually it is to the women that are two faced to me. But if I ever want to talk to anyone about our relationship I get told at I shouldn't involve others in our issues, no matter male or female.


What could he possibly have to vent about?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We have issues of course just like anyone else does. However normally he would rather talk to someone else about it than actually talk to me. Most often his version of talking to me is yelling at me, calling me horrible names, throwing things at me and more.

I try to keep our issues within ourselves and noy involve unnecessary outside people but I guess him being the man of the house doesn't feel he needs to do the same thing. That brings up a whole other topic, the man of the house thing.

I will definitely look at getting that book. Getting him to read it though would be the challenge.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Another thing I could mention is that he's always referred to himself as the self proclaimed ladies man.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TinyGirl said:


> *Most often his version of talking to me is yelling at me, calling me horrible names, throwing things at me and more.*


'Scuse me?!?!?!

OK you have WAY bigger problems here.

Get yourself into some kind of counseling at the VERY least. If you have no kids, get out. I mean it. He is being physically and emotionally AND verbally abusive towards you here!!!


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

We do have two kids. I have my son from a previous marriage and our daughter we had together. I've always told him I would go to counseling with him but he always says that I will throw him under the bus and that counselors don't know what they're talking about.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TinyGirl said:


> We do have two kids. I have my son from a previous marriage and our daughter we had together. I've always told him I would go to counseling with him but he always says that I will throw him under the bus and that counselors don't know what they're talking about.


The fact you have kids does complicate things, but doesn't excuse his behaviour. Forget about him - YOU should seek counseling. He is ABUSING you - I am scared to ask what 'more' he does than throwing things at you. 

You and the kids can go to a womens shelter. And the next time he throws something at you, you SHOULD.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

If you would like to pm me I can tell you more as maybe you can give me more advice? Half the time I'm afraid to go anywhere for help because he's threatened to report me for grand theft auto if I take the car because it is in his name.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

What would I call this? Forget how he innapropriately talks with other women. I call this *ABUSE*. Did you say he throws things at you and more? And he yells and says horrible things to you? You're married to a monster. You're not leaving because you're afraid of being accused of auto theft? Well, when the police pull you over, you tell them that you are escaping from your abusive husband. You need to take your kids and get out now. Let this 'ladies man' have those poor pathetic women, but don't be one of them.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I completely get what you're saying. It's hard because I don't want to be the one to quit but nothing I do seems to make any difference.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

You got this all wrong. It's not called 'quitting' when you are protecting you and your children from abuse. It's called being a loving caring mother and a strong woman. You're not quitting. Your husband quit when he said the very first horrible thing to you and then threw something at you. You are not quitting. You made no such vow to take abuse. However, you did make an unwritten, unspoken vow to your children, and that is to be the best possible mother you can be and protect them.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Very true. I just wish it wasnt so hard.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

the longer you wait to break free, the harder it will be, because day by day, he is chipping away at your strength and your resolve and your self worth and your loosening grip of self-preservation. before you become a shell of a woman and mother, look into the services offered in your town, get the advice of a volunteer attorney, or go to a shelter. Do you have any family that could help you?


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

Yes but of course they can only do so much as my parents both work and live 400+ miles away


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Take the car straight to the local police department and file a restraining order. At least you're on the record. You're married - the car might be in his name but it's joint marital property. He's just trying (successfully) to intimidate you. He can't report it stolen when you are driving it. Well, he can, but when they realize the wife is driving it, they won't do anything.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Once you have that, go to a battered women's shelter with your kids. The deputy will arrange for a day for you to go get your stuff with supervision so you don't have to be afraid.

The shelter will help you find a place, refer you to any resources you need and provide counseling. Go.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

TinyGirl,

Do you have anyone trustworthy/dependable locally to give you support and help you consider your options?

If you PM me your general area (town, city, county, or such if in USA), I'd be happy to search the web for resources in your area.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

PM sent to you. Thank you


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Once you have that, go to a battered women's shelter with your kids. The deputy will arrange for a day for you to go get your stuff with supervision so you don't have to be afraid.
> 
> The shelter will help you find a place, refer you to any resources you need and provide counseling. Go.


I've been thinking of that. Another thing is I couldn't leave my dog so that would have to be considered as well. I just wish it weren't so hard for me to figure this all out.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

And he's military so that complicates things. We had a bad incident last July and I actually had him arrested by the base police but they ended up deciding he didn't do anything bad enough or whatever and he wasn't charged with anything.


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## Youngwifeylovesherhubby (May 8, 2013)

*Re: Re: What would you call this?*



TinyGirl said:


> And he's military so that complicates things. We had a bad incident last July and I actually had him arrested by the base police but they ended up deciding he didn't do anything bad enough or whatever and he wasn't charged with anything.


He has a record of the complaint against him with that police force at the very least. You may not want to be the one to quit, but please-do it for your children. I grew up without a father, but I'd much rather have had that than to have grown up watching my mother being disrespected and abused. What would happen if he physically hurt you in front of them? How would you and your children feel? 

I hope you can find the strength to do what's best for you and your kiddos. If it's bad enough you've had to involve the police it has already crossed the line.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I call this very poor behavior on your husbands part and the woman talking to him. :/


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I wish he cared like I do. And it sucks that I don't have my own money


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

As soon as he leavea for what he's doing this afternoon I'm going to find someone to talk to.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

good. summer vacation is here soon and the kids will be out of school. take the car and drive the 400 miles with the kids and dog and live near your family. they are your support system. work around the clock if you have to to scrape by - walmart, a restaurant, post signs in a community center that you can be an aide to help the elderly.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

If I do leave how do I deal with telling my 4 year old why we aren't with daddy?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Be aware that as I was looking for resources for you, I saw a warning about taking kids across state lines -- that it can lead to kidnapping charges, even if you are fleeing abuse. (I would think the charges would not stick! But it is a crazy world.)


So, please ask about that when you talk to one of those helping organizations, if leaving the state is desirable to you.


PLEASE do not let that worry stop you from getting a plan that gets you out.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Be aware that as I was looking for resources for you, I saw a warning about taking kids across state lines -- that it can lead to kidnapping charges, even if you are fleeing abuse. (I would think the charges would not stick! But it is a crazy world.)
> 
> 
> So, please ask about that when you talk to one of those helping organizations, if leaving the state is desirable to you.
> ...


I hear you on that one. Somehow I don't think that he would try to file charges like that because it would mean he'd actually have to think of someone other than himself and he knows that being as busy with work as he is that he can't give them the care they need.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

TinyGirl,

I wish I had some answers for you, but I have no experience here about how to go about these things. But, those off-base resources you know of deal with this sort of thing day in day out, and there are women they are helping right now going through the same sort of thing. You do not need to suffer alone with this anymore. 

It may seem impossible, but there are ways to extricate yourself from this situation safely and addressing your worries about income and what to tell your 4 year old. Please just talk to the people who know how.

You deserve a happy and safe life, and to feel loved not fear.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

I'm definitely going to try and talk to someone tomorrow but if I can't then definitely on Monday. You all have been a tremendous help and I can't thank you all enough. It is wonderful to know I have people supporting me even though they don't personally know me.


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## lostinthought4ever (Jun 9, 2013)

I'd tell him your uncomfortable before its to late. My husband started with the same thing, telling some girl he loved in high school that we fought all the time, which was hard because I was in the military on deployment training so I was HARDLY home at all and when I was, I was asleep. Even talk to the other girl, you see women now days. That congress mans wife or the senators from LA, she wrote on his facebook not to send his messages or call him, otherwise their pictures wouldn't be private anymore. God, I love that woman shes my hero.


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## TinyGirl (Apr 29, 2013)

He knows I'm uncomfortable with it and says he's not doing it anymore but he said that after the first time also


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