# Question for the wives who want to separate....



## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

My whole story is details in another thread but in short my wife thinks she wants to separate as she says she "loves me but is not in love with me".

She has agreed to try counseling. We are still living together but not in sleeping in same room or having sex so as to not confuse things. 

My question is this.....

How do you think I should behave while this is going on? 

I mean should I be affectionate in any way? Or distant/indifferent? Pretend like I am OK? I don't think it should be about what makes me or her happiest, but rather what is conducive to moving forward in a healthy way.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I've heard a lot of people give advice on here such as become indifferent. Start dressing good, smell nice, get a new hair cut, lose weight if you are overweight and workout. This way she will be more likely to see you as intriguing


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> I've heard a lot of people give advice on here such as become indifferent. Start dressing good, smell nice, get a new hair cut, lose weight if you are overweight and workout. This way she will be more likely to see you as intriguing


The 180..

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for Those Affected by Infidelity


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The 180 is meant for doing while a spouse is cheating and refuses to give up their affair partner.

This is a time to figure out what of her needs you have not been meeting and start working to meet them.

For example how many hours a week had the two of you been spending together, just the two of you doing things you both enjoy doing?


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

As a woman who is just thinking about how to navigate this... (I have been trying so hard to get us into counselling that, now that he's agreed, it's about two months too late... I just want him gone...)...

I would suggest treating her like you are at the beginning again. I haven't read your back story. In the context of mine, I have lost trust for my husband - not that he cheated, he didn't... but he promises and doesn't follow through, sleeps all day, wild mood swings, yells at the kids (to the point that my daughter, turning 5, asked if we could please not invite daddy to her birthday party), plays video games all night, and leaves me to do all the sucky work... k, I am going to stop highjacking and get to the point.

He would have to start acting and behaving like my concerns were serious, and start to earn my love back. I don't hate him. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I am out of love with him because he has let me down so many times. But if he could take his empty words and turn them into meaningful actions... not propositions for sex, but... listening to what is upsetting me... and making pointed changes/adjustments/actions that express that he both cares and understands, then we could start thinking about reconcilliation.

For you specifically... if reconcilliation is worth it to you, something you'd do, then listen to what she's told you is wrong... make an action plan... and go over it with her in counselling. As for the intimacy side of things, start like she is a new girlfriend. What would you do? Talk to her? Maybe text her a bit. Keep seeing how she is. Checking in. Then, guage how that is going. If that isn't getting too much in her space, maybe flowers. A card to say you think she's really cool, but not too much. If that is working and not crowding her (and, by now, you'll have an idea if she really wants to reconcile), then ask her out on a date. That whole, try to make her fall in love with you again, or see why she loved you once upon a time... she may be a different person. Do you still love her? Do you know her? 

If the living together is an economic necessity, and there isn't a chance of reconcilliation, then I suggest treating her like a roommate. Civil. If there are kids, being grown ups and acting like them too is important.

I hope that this is an appropriate post. It is my first here.


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

By moving forward do you mean trying to make your marriage better so that you don't end up divorcing? In that case I would suggest behaving in a way that shows that you are trying to learn what went wrong in the marriage, how you and she could have done better over the years to keep the relationship healthy, and what you can do for the marriage now.

So, ask questions, and be interested. The one thing that makes me feel like crap is that my husband takes no interest in anything I do, and never remembers anything I say. Sure, he lets me do whatever I want, which is nice, but I'd like him to be interested in my life.

I would also think it is a good idea to do things together. I would love for my husband to suggest something that we can do together other than a sporting event or a game on tv. Or if I suggest something I would like him to make an effort to try it.

How about eating together? It is nice to share a meal and talk about things, even if you are talking about things that aren't deep, just talking is nice. Cooking together is really nice too.

I don't think you should be physically affectionate, but don't be distant either. Just be interested. Having someone show an interest in me would be lovely.


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## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

No no.... I am not trying to win her back right now. I am just looking at what a good behaviour would be while we are going thru counselling, deciding if we really want to separate.

I think I will focus on the positives in my life, in our marriage. I will let her know I care but that I can survive on my own. I will be as open as I can to all things that will come and will simply ask her how she would like me to be with her while we work things out. If I feel her requests are conducive to a healthy direction then I will go there if I can. If not, I will explain why I feel they are not.

Cheers all and good luck to any of you who are also dealing with issues of your own.

max


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Ah, I see, that is different. It sounds like your plan is very sane and reasonable. Hopefully this process will go smoothly for you, good luck and keep us posted!


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## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

MaxGlide said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am, and have been trying to be a good man/husband.
She loves to ride her motorcycle and has the freedom to ride as much as she wants. I love to hear how her ride went. I encouraged her to take track days (sorta racing) to be a better rider.
I cook regularly and we eat together several times a week.
I tell her everyday how great she looks as she truly is beautiful.
We took dance lessons together, travel together and separate.
We go to movies, did a ski day.
She hangs with her friends and I with mine when we want. 
Neither of us smokes or does drugs, we drink socially, her a wee bit more than I.
We go to gym separately.... 

I can't think of how else to be better. Sometimes I wanna scream WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?!?! 
I realize there is something deeper and hopefully we can get to it via counseling. I really want to save this marriage, but she has to figure out what she wants and if that's me. 
Thanks for your help.
Max
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldfinch (Jan 22, 2013)

Hmm...you sound good. Want to get married?


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## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

"Chuckle"
Oh I am darn sure I got my problems too!!

Funny side note... As I am replying I am sitting beside my wife who is drugged out after her hernia operation.... Time to go home!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"I can't think of how else to be better. Sometimes I wanna scream WHAT? WHAT? WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?!?!"

Have you ruled out the possibility of someone else yet as you were advised in your other post?

You give your wife a lot of freedom to do things without you and while that isn't a bad thing, it does leave her with time and space to kindle a relationship outside of yours

Just sayin'


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## Ms. What-to-do? (Apr 8, 2013)

Wow. You seem to be doing a wonderful job. Why do you think you need to do more? Is she telling you so? Because maybe all that is needed is time...


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## MaxGlide (Apr 8, 2013)

I have asked her several times if there was/is someone else and she has said no. i've thought there might be so I've really paid attention last while and have not found suspicious activity. Now she could be lying and be very sneaky but, if that is fhe case, that is behavior she will have to atone for. It does seem like a lot of time alone but we work together every day and then at home all night. Ten years of that. We need time away.

Seven years ago we hit a rough patch and i realised i needed to be better. I've worked hard at being a good person/husband, not only for the marriage but for myself. I feel good about who I am now but it's not enough for her. But she needs to find out what the root of her discontent is and bloody tell me. Then I'll see if I can do anything about it. If she shuts off there is nothing I can do. 

One thing for certain is I am not just gonna get back together if she says "let's stay together. I don't what I was thinking, for the kids,...." Etc.... Whatever this is HAS to be dealt with, I am not going back to the way it was....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GRC011 (Mar 22, 2013)

Heard those exact same words. Did everything I could do, but only made things worse. Tried counseling, but she put no effort into it. Wanted to stay for the sake of the kids. They were 4 and 7. It got to the point that I was ignored. Still have NO idea why she suddenly just quit on the marriage. I could never do it.
The efforts of one, are fruitless. Need a "open" mind on the other end. 
That was almost 6 yrs ago. I see the kids every weekend. They are doing great. It does get better. But, I know how you feel.
Do whatever you can, then you will always know you tried all that YOU could!!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Your best bet is to really really LISTEN to what she's saying to you. Don't try to have the answers, let her vent, let her get off her chest that she's been holding back. Be willing to take those comments as a chance to correct a wrong in her eyes, not as a ridicule. The famous "ILUBINILWU" line, tells you that this might be your ONLY chance to get this fixed. A disconnected spouse is the hardest obstacle to overcome, she's already prepared herself to move on, and it might just be too late. Realize, she's giving you a chance right now, make the MOST of it.


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