# Someone please tell me there's still hope



## blindsidedintx

I'm 38, she's 33. Married for 14 years with three daughters.

I'm not sure if she has physically cheated, but it seems clear she has emotionally...

Here's my story:

My wife has been acting distant lately. To the point of barely even wanting to give me a "welcome home" peck. Every time I ask her what's wrong, she denies anything even though her face and body language are signaling that something's not right...

Tonight as we were watching TV, I kind of lean on her and she pushes me away. I ask her what's wrong and why it seems that she's been distant lately...long pause. I ask again and after another long pause she tells me, "I don't want to be with you anymore." I could tell she meant it. Sledgehammer meet my chest. 

After a 3-hour discussion, she confessed that she's in love with someone else. Getting any info out of her was like pulling teeth, but here's the gist of it:


Guy is someone she fell in love with since she was in middle school (both in mid 30s now)
Couldn't be with him because her "family" wouldn't allow it
Claims she has always been in love with him

Between the 2nd and 3rd point, she met me, fell in love, we got married, became a US citizen, we had 3 daughters, we bought a house and she finally finished college and has started her career. 

I'm not clear when, but this other guy got some girl pregnant, they got married but later divorced. When this divorce happened, I'm not sure, but she's known of it for at least 3 years.

She's originally from Mexico, but her dad died (no mom) when she was entering the 6th grade. She was shipped off to his relatives here in the states and that "family" was very abusive (psychologically/emotionally) towards her. They resented her for showing up on their doorstep not knowing a lick of English. She quickly learned and even excelled in school. I helped her get out of that abusive family after we were dating a few weeks. At least I knew she was "the one."

Now she's confessed that it's been years that she's been allowing herself to rekindle those feelings she had for this other guy. I asked her if she is willing to throw away everything that we've built over our 14 year marriage for him and she said yes. I asked her if there is even a .0001% chance that things may not go as well as what she is imagining and she replied no. I tried reasoning with her a little more and she said there might be a .00001% chance that things won't go perfectly, but I could tell she was just placating me.

I tried to explain that her thinking was irrational and that she should try to view the situation from a distance. There seemed to be no convincing her that *maybe* the person that exists in her mind and the guy she's falling for may not be the same thing in reality. That *maybe* after an early passion-filled period, it would fall into the normal mundane pace that all marriages do. She couldn't see it. It was like talking to a teenager.

To me, it feels as if she has a "fantasy" version of what this guy is/could be since she "fell in love" with him at such a young age and now since he is free, she feels that this is her chance at recapturing the "one that got away." When I asked her why this guy is better than me, she couldn't do it. She's good friends with his mother and she's assured me that she had nothing to do with this decision and that no one else knows about it.

What do I do? Please tell me there's hope. I don't want to say or do anything that will push her away even further. 

Show me the hope. Please.


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## Carefulthoughts

Let her make her mistakes. It sounds ****ty but she has her mind set on it and heart set on it. I know how bad you feel because I have had the same thing happen with me. Don't bed or please even if it kills you. Go on about your daily life. If your going to cry and you will do it away from her. These are the things people have suggested and I wish I had done it sooner. Prayer also helps a lot. 

And your quite right all this is irrational even for my situation but people can make themselves believe the sky is green if they want it to be. I will keep you in my prayers.


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## blindsidedintx

Thanks for the advice and kind words. The hardest thing for me to do is NOT try to fix it. The fact that she had these thoughts brewing in her head after our second child was born is what is driving me insane.

For so long I felt like I was the "female" in the relationship because I was the one that always wanted to talk. I wanted her to express herself. She never did. It was always "nothing's wrong" from her. Digging her head in the sand.

So basically I'm the guy that she settled for because she couldn't get her "true love." The second she found out he was available, I became an obstacle. But then why have a third kid with me if she already started having a change of heart?

I reached out to God last night and drove and cried for about an hour. I haven't eaten since yesterday and I don't know what I'm going to do or say when she gets home from work.

So are you saying that it's too late for marriage counseling?


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## Amplexor

Carefulthoughts said:


> Let her make her mistakes. It sounds ****ty but she has her mind set on it and heart set on it. I know how bad you feel because I have had the same thing happen with me. Don't bed or please even if it kills you. Go on about your daily life. If your going to cry and you will do it away from her. These are the things people have suggested and I wish I had done it sooner. Prayer also helps a lot.
> 
> And your quite right all this is irrational even for my situation but people can make themselves believe the sky is green if they want it to be. I will keep you in my prayers.


:iagree:
What careful is referring to is called tough love and in some circumstances it can be helpful. Read Dobson's "Love Must be Tough" and see if it applies to you. Yes your wife is in a fantasy and once she recognizes that things will look different to her. She will see the faults, short comings.. in him.

Yes there is hope, see "When is enough, enough" in the reconciliation forum.

Yes counseling will help but she must be willing to go. If you drag her into it she'll close up like a clam or just attack you during the sessions. Good luck


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## blindsidedintx

I needed hope, and you've given it to me.

Being a child of a rough divorce, my greatest fear is the impact it will have on my kids. Everything I do from this moment forward is to try to salvage our marriage and pray that my wife is as willing as yours to try to do the same.

From the bottom of my heart, *thank you*.


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## Amplexor

In my experience EA's begin because the wandering spouse is missing or perceives they are missing something in the marriage. Begin to explore what those needs might be.


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## Carefulthoughts

First and foremost be there for the kids. They shouldn't be tied up in fighting. Kids first then your well being (i.e. eating) and then your marriage


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## BigBadWolf

First in this situation you are needing to know it is NOT rational but that is not the point, sexual attraction and rational or logical are mutually exclusive.

Take the time to learn the behavior in a man for what a woman is attracted to and what a woman will resent, and work on this behavior for yourself.

Search this forum even, for sexual attraction and not being a "nice guy", for the one thing for the good man to do when his woman is not attracted to him but instead some affair man and especially if this man is some "bad boy" that in her mind is lighting a fire in her, is to stop being the "nice guy" but instead the dominant man.

Search these forums, even the threads or even some of my posts for this same scenario.

There is hope, but it will be taking courage for you to stand for yourself and be more the man for your woman than some affair man.

I wish you well.


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## blindsidedintx

Lots of great support and advice guys. I really appreciate it.

The thing that really bothers me is that I have no clue if she's one step away from filing papers or if she's barely at the point of letting me know. Like I said, this emotional affair (not sure if physical) has been going on for years.

She barely told me about it yesterday and I may have said some things I shouldn't have in the heat of the moment. She's not home yet. How and when do I try to pickup a dialog? Do I apologize for yesterday and let her know I'm ready to talk when she's ready then just wait? Or do I not engage her at all tonight and wait a couple of days.

Don't want to get in my own way. Feel like I'm on eggshells now.


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## Amplexor

blindsidedintx said:


> She's not home yet. How and when do I try to pickup a dialog? Do I apologize for yesterday and let her know I'm ready to talk when she's ready then just wait? Or do I not engage her at all tonight and wait a couple of days.
> 
> Don't want to get in my own way. Feel like I'm on eggshells now.


My general rule is if there is nothing new to discuss then leave it alone. Rehashing the same issues solves nothing. Based on your post however you are just at the discovery stage and you have a right as a husband to know what is going on in that relationship. You have a right to know where she is in your marriage and if she is at the point of filing. Have the discussions with her and and make them as non emotional as you possibly can. Carry yourself with confidence around her and don't worry too much about the eggshells. You are a partner in this and if she is willing to try and save the marriage she needs to see that you are ready and willing to do your part. Remember, you may have made mistakes in the marriage, we all do. But she is the one that stepped outside the bounds of the marriage and needs to be accountable for that. Don't let her turn the tables on you and believe me, she will try. Good luck.


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## blindsidedintx

OH MY GOD! I think I just found out she's PREGNANT from this other guy!!!

Oh God what am I going to do now?! We have three kids!

This is how it happened:

She just left the house to run an errand... I texted her if she wanted to have lunch. She replied "Love, we need to start saving money. We have 4 kids and we are starting our lives together."

I replied 4? And she replied "Haha!"

First of all, she NEVER has called me "Love." Second, WE HAVE 3 KIDS and I had a vasectomy after the 3rd!

I think this is clear proof.

When I finally "got it" I replied to her that I finally understood what happened. That she was in the middle of a text conversation with him and when I asked her about lunch, she thought it was from him.

I asked her to come back because we need to talk.

What now! I feel the anger raging inside of me and I don't want to make a mistake that will hurt my kids forever. Please help!


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## swedish

I would not jump to conclusions. You said he got his ex-wife pregnant, so child 4 might be his from his previous marriage. On the downside, it does sound as though they are making future plans together.

At any rate, you are right, she does need to come back and talk. You deserve to know what her plans are going forward...she is still married to you!!


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## blindsidedintx

That's true...might be previous child...

Forgot. Thanks.

Still...

Waiting for her to come back to talk.


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## blindsidedintx

Found phone number and just talked with OM. I asked him to step away for a month to help my wife and I figure things out...especially how to deal with our kids.

He seems like a cool guy and has experience with custody battles, so I asked him if he didn't want to respect me as a man or a husband, to at least respect me as a father to give me the time.

I think I'm finally accepting that it's over for her and I. I still don't know if she's pregnant, but what does it matter at this point right?

Should I just give up at this point? After talking with him, it seems that they are set on this happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it...


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## swedish

blindsidedintx said:


> Should I just give up at this point?


If by give up you mean telling your wife 'I talked to him, he sounds like a nice guy so good luck' then NO! She is still married to you and although in the end you cannot force her to stay, you certainly do not have to approve of the situation.

At this point, decide what you will do if she leaves. I would not leave your home, let her leave if she decides not to work on the marriage. Let her feel the impact of this choice & stay firm on doing what is best for you and your children.


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## blindsidedintx

Well guys, we've had "the talk."

I had my notebook full of all the awesome advice I received here and this is how it turned out...

I didn't lose her. Why? _Because I never had her._ I did some serious soul-searching and was finally able to come to terms with my own feelings before I could deal with hers.

It turns out that I had never been truly in love with her. She's not my soulmate. Looking back at our 14-year marriage, there is so much that just didn't feel right. But with the birth of our children, I felt a love for her that I now understand came from her being the mother of my children.

Before I met her, she lived with her "adoptive" family. This was a miserable, painful, abusive household. As a young non-English speaking girl with no living family, she was trapped.

She met a boy her age that she fell head over heals for. Young naive love. There was one problem. Her "family" wouldn't allow it. It was impossible for them to be together.

Later, when she started high school, got a job, and finally got her own car, she gained a new sense of liberty. Unfortunately the guy she was in love with had gotten a girl pregnant. _She'd lost him again._

High school is over, one of her 3 jobs (because she was her "family's" cash cow) is at a local grocery store. This is where I come into the picture. 

She had very little self worth, but was good at hiding the pain she was dealing with at home. I guess as long as she wasn't there, she was happier. She was very friendly and outgoing. Completely the opposite of what she was at her house. I was just an attractive boy that she felt she had 0% chance of actually impressing.

One day, she came up to me and asked "What are you doing?" in the cutest way. She was pretty, but cute little girl pretty. It was not love at first site and I didn't really see anything that made me want to take it anywhere farther than small talk. She seemed immature and too young for me. I didn't really see her as anything worth pursuing.

Months pass by and one day I see her out of her unflattering uniform. I was shocked. What I thought was just a silly little girl was actually a very attractive full-grown woman. My interest was finally peaked and we started going out.

From how she had been treated before, I was like a knight in shining armor to her. Her previous boyfriends had hurt her. At home, she had been made to feel that she was worthless and a burden. She received no love from that house. I was a distraction from that and something she didn't know could exist.

In her eyes, any nice thing I did for her was amplified because of her past. Since our relationship started in the workplace, she was mostly free of any limitations from her "family."

After weeks of dating, she decided to spend the night. When she got back home, it was World War 3. They had finally pushed her too far. She came crying to me and here is the nexus of all things to come. A good friend of ours knew her situation and about us and was present when she came crying to me. _He _suggested that she should just move in with me... I felt I had to step up and "save" her. She was my girlfriend after all.

After much introspection, and her admission, we both came to the conclusion that that was a mistake. She was using me as an escape from that home...

Neither of us were "in love" with the other. It's as plain as day now. But looking back, it was all meant to happen. Both her and I feel very strongly about the idea that "everything happens for a reason." It's almost our own religion. We don't go to church, but we do have total faith in that idea.

We both believe now that God's ultimate plan and sole reason for us ever meeting was to help create our three beautiful daughters...

I'll continue this later. I know it's pretty long and I'm tired as hell. It's been a rough couple of days, but I know tonight I'll sleep well. I'll fill you guys in on her secret life, the OM and our plans for a happy future.

Thanks for listening!


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## pochael

Dude... No offense. But I have a feeling when you wake up, you are going to feel like you just got smacked in the head. It must be your own religion because when reality sets in you are going to read the last post like "What the heck was I thinking". You are married. You are one... Just as God intended. On a good note, you did not commit the act, so in Gods eyes, you can put her away. But is that what you really want? Because I am going to tell you. Her LUST (it is not love) is going to blow up on her, and guess who she is going to run to? 
When reality hits you, and I am sure it will, and you want to really fix it, what are you going to do?
I pray your feelings are true. But I have this bad feeling you are trying to fool yourself...


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## blindsidedintx

@Pochael. I have been fooling myself. For 14 years. For me to continue to live with her is a true sign of madness. There is a long long history now of broken trust that I can not see ever being repaired. I'll never be able to move ahead with her and wonder what's going on behind my back. As long as I won't be losing my kids, I can be happy.

Had four days and our decisions remain. We've talked a lot these few nights and we're sure it's over for our marriage.

I was reminded of something that for reasons unknown to me, I didn't end it with her years ago. I remembered something that happened very early in our relationship. Something that we said to each other shortly after she moved in with me all those years ago.

We were in bed and I told her I loved her. She didn't return it. She straight up told me "I'm not in love with you." Call it stupidity, ego, wishful thinking, neediness, whatever, but I figured, it was OK. She'll grow to love me. Big mistake. I was just settling. So was she. I don't even know why I said "I love you." I now know, it wasn't love. True soulmate love. Infatuation is more like it.

This is not something that I'm creating to justify what's going on now. This happened. For reasons unexplained though, I just stayed in the relationship. Better than being alone I guess.

I also learned that the OM was her first. I knew I wasn't her first, but I didn't know she had lost her virginity so young. When she was 14 and he was 15 they had sex. Again, her "family" did not allow that relationship to continue any further. They weren't allowed to continue to see each other. They unwillingly went their separate ways.

When she was in high school, she started going out with a guy that turned out to be a little unstable. When she broke up with him, he carved her name in his arm with a piece of glass and showed up at her doorstep telling her "look, now you can't break up with me." She reiterated that it was over. Apparently, he didn't agree...

After that, he began stalking her, leaving notes/flowers on her car, parking outside her work. She met another guy and admitted that she basically started going out with him as "protection." That relationship didn't last too long. They broke up due to this guy's ex. A couple of years went by and I was the next man in her life.

She admitted that she used me. Plain and simple. Any feelings that she's had for me was a result of my helping her and later the fact that I was the father of her children.

We've been talking a lot. She wants to be with the OM. Since she was 14 she's always wanted to be with him. Every other man in her life was a distraction. A long battle between the OM's ex-wife and battle for custody of their daughter had made him unavailable for many years. Years she was with me. Wishfully waiting. They were in contact sporadically over years, but hadn't actually had sex until a month ago. She's told me it was the first and only time.

She's told me she feels remorse for everything she's putting me and eventually, the kids through. Because of the OM's long battle with his ex and that experience, they're suggesting half/half custody which will allow them to waive for me to have to pay child support. Also, they've agreed to help me out financially if I need anything. About a year ago, I quit my dead-end job to be a stay-at-home dad/freelancer. She's earning more than I used to and right now I'm basically without a steady income.

Of course, I'll have to find steady work. Depending on how the kids react, we're not sure whether she or I will be the primary whom the kids live with. We're not prepared yet with how to tell the kids so we need to do some research about that. We're still another month away from that. The fact that I'll always have access to my kids either way has really helped me a lot in accepting all of this.

So, that's where we're at right now. Today I start seeking legal advice, job advice, home advice, kid advice, etc. Basically, looking outside of home for help. A small group of my friends/colleagues will get the news. 

We still feel strong in our beliefs and can accept with open hearts that this was all meant to happen. Better things are on the horizon for both of us.

I'll update soon...

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.


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## pochael

Well if you are convinced. 

But 2 things. I am starting to realize there may be a much deeper problem within her than you think. Once the seperation happens BE VERY CAREFUL... Because when the other thing goes bad, you are the one she is going to run to. 

On another note, based on what you have said, if it is at all possible, you need to keep the kids.


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## blindsidedintx

@pochael I understand where you're coming from. Tonight we'll be talking more about that possibility of things not working out from his end.

You seem pretty convinced the other thing _is _going to go bad. I'm not wishing that on her, but what if it does? Then what?

What do I do if she shows up at my doorstep and I have the kids? I don't want to think about it, but there is always that possibility.

I need some advice on how to handle THAT situation. Ugh.


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## pochael

I may be way off base. But to me it seems there are deeper issue's here. And I just have the feeling that she is looking for the desires she had when she was a child. And that is a big door for disaster. 

But if it happens, you will have to deal with it when it does. To speculate now is not going to work. What if you are with someone else, there are just so many factors that you cannot predict. 

I just pray that you find the right answers. And you should as well.


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## blindsidedintx

I get that. That was my initial understanding of what was going on.

Today I'm really going to talk to her to explore that. The loss of her father, the move from Mexico to the US, the new life in a hell house all washed away by her childhood relationship with the OM back then would be enough to mess with anyone.

This girl has been through so much and last night even confessed that she was molested. She wasn't ready to share details though. She definitely has had a rough childhood.

She has a lot of self-discovery to do these next few days. I'm going to suggest a professional help her/us.

Let's see what happens.


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## turnera

Well, if I were in your shoes, and she wanted out, I would say "Go ahead. The girls stay here." And see what happens.


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## blindsidedintx

Custody is not an issue. She has made it clear that we would have 50/50 custody. Whether I'm the primary or she is the primary, she will agree with whatever is best for the kids.

We're still getting our heads and emotions wrapped around this and what exactly we're going to do with our girls is still open to discussion. Because of the OM's own 10 year custody battle with his ex, he also doesn't want to make custody a fighting issue, so whatever my wife and I agree, he will support.

In the end I feel whatever decision we make, it just winds up a big crap shoot. Fight for her, don't fight for her. Separate and let her go "test drive" him or not. The fact that I'm currently not working is also screwing up my decision-making.

We need to do a lot more reading and a lot more talking.

This is all a lot to take and there are so many different valid arguments that in the end I feel that no matter which way we go, we're just going to have to go through it and see what happens.

All my friends say "She's going to leave, find out it's not what it was cracked up to be and then come back to you."

All her friends say "Move in with him. You should separate and go check him out away from your husband to compare what you have and what you've had."

Biased friendship responses or good advice?


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## turnera

The reason I say to tell her the kids stay with you is that you are abetting her affair by going along with whatever SHE wants. 

Unless you just don't want the kids with you. 

SHE chose to cheat. SHE doesn't deserve the consideration you are giving her.

Honestly, I think you are either (1) lying to us and yourself about not really loving her or (2) looking forward to having some fun for yourself.


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## LVS

What her friends and yours are saying is like giving you hope that she will be back 
you might be living a dream for years and it might not happen
she could wake up one day and run back to you but also she may not and they could live as a happy couple for ever
you need to think about all possibilities and when she walked outside your door it should be for ever as your wife
So you need to take care of yourself fill your free time and live your life i know you won't forget to take care of your kids
but you might forget about yourself


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## bestplayer

blindsidedintx said:


> Custody is not an issue. She has made it clear that we would have 50/50 custody. Whether I'm the primary or she is the primary, she will agree with whatever is best for the kids.
> 
> We're still getting our heads and emotions wrapped around this and what exactly we're going to do with our girls is still open to discussion. Because of the OM's own 10 year custody battle with his ex, he also doesn't want to make custody a fighting issue, so whatever my wife and I agree, he will support.
> 
> In the end I feel whatever decision we make, it just winds up a big crap shoot. Fight for her, don't fight for her. Separate and let her go "test drive" him or not. The fact that I'm currently not working is also screwing up my decision-making.
> 
> We need to do a lot more reading and a lot more talking.
> 
> This is all a lot to take and there are so many different valid arguments that in the end I feel that no matter which way we go, we're just going to have to go through it and see what happens.
> 
> All my friends say "She's going to leave, find out it's not what it was cracked up to be and then come back to you."
> 
> All her friends say "Move in with him. You should separate and go check him out away from your husband to compare what you have and what you've had."
> 
> Biased friendship responses or good advice?


From your posts it doesn't like she is realising how she is treating you , even if she wanted to be with other man she should have shown a little bit of caring for you & feeling bad about her selfish actions . I dont think she deserves any sympathy if she thinks she has done nothing wrong .


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## DNewsom77

There is still hope. When I first discovered my wife's affair (which had ended 4 months before), she tried to defend him and convince me that he is really a good guy (who cheated on his wife and two kids with a woman married with 3 kids). We worked hard at our relationship (focusing on better communication) over the next several months. Eventually, she realized that she was completely deceived. She finally was able to see the other guy's lies and his bad intentions. Now, she can't understand how she could have loved (or even liked) this guy. Point is, your wife is still deceived (believing the fantasy version of this other guy). I'd recommend that she spend some time with this guy's ex. She will help him to see this guy's faults and help him realize that the fantasy is a lie. 

I don't think it is true that you never loved her (or she you). You may not feel "in love", but that is never lasting. That is not what makes a marriage work. Perseverance and commitment are more important than feeling in-love. There is hope. It may not be easy, but there is still hope.


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## blindsidedintx

I talked with my best friend last night finally. He's gone through a divorce and a cheating wife. He's been in contact with a family counselor and he gave me some awesome insight about love and marriage. How women have been seduced by this notion of a "soulmate" and what love actually is.

I've decided to fight. I'm going to help her realize that she's making a huge mistake. I know I can't "make her" do anything, and that I can only change things about myself and pray that she sees that I'm worth something.

She told me she's willing to talk to a counselor regarding our girls, but I'm sure they can speak to her first about our marriage and the mistake she's making.

It's almost like I couldn't trust myself these past few days. I've said some pretty stupid things that looking back, I should have slapped myself in the face.

She said that what she wanted most that the other guy had was a big family. A family tree with all the branches filled in and not have gaping holes like hers and mine. I told her she will that have with us. We are the roots and our children will be our branches.

She's hurting me, but I know now that I have to push through it. She told me that she agreed to break contact with the OM and he agreed to "try his best." I'm sure this isn't true.

So, I'll just have to ignore it if they continue to contact each other. What really scares me is the chance that she may go out with him and get pregnant.

I'm still going to be the best dad and husband I can be in the meantime. I pray to God that she still accompanies me to speak with the family counselor/pastor. Pray for me guys. Pray for her. Pray for my kids.

And thank you!


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## turnera

Great! Now here is what you do - and DO follow these steps (they do work):

First, she writes a No Contact letter to OM that YOU read and approve, and YOU send to him.

Then she gives you all her passwords, and she lets you see her phone whenever you ask so you can verify she is not in contact with him.

Then you find a marriage counselor. I recommend Dr Harley at marriagebuilders.com because he has counseled thousands of couples messed up by affairs - he has a REALLY good method for getting rid of the waywardmindedness and getting you both working on the same path. With any other counselor, you are taking your chances on what path they put you on, how long it takes, and the outcome. Dr. Harley FOCUSES on stopping the affair and fixing your marriage only so that she doesn't want to be wayward.

Now, that said, if she is not ready yet to really stop seeing him, the way you fight is by exposing the affair, so that it no longer 'feels good.' Once her parents know what she's doing, it starts to feel icky. Once his wife or parents or siblings know he's schtupping a married woman, it starts to get embarrasssing.

And most important in YOUR case, once she realizes that her family will NOT welcome him home to Thanksgiving dinner like YOU are, her fantasy will burst. That's teh most important thing. Yes, she'll be mad if you expose. But you are giving her the CHANCE to stop contact; if she refuses, you are then FIGHTING for your marriage, as you said you want to do. Exposure is the best possible way to save your marriage because it's most likely to stop the affair.

And you'll never save your marriage until OM is out of the picture. Your marriage can survive her anger; she WILL get over it, once the fog clears and she sees what she's done to you all. It can't survive another person. And if she blames YOU for exposing, all you say is "I just told the truth. If what you are doing is not wrong, why wouldn't we want to tell everyone the good news?"


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## turnera

blindsidedintx said:


> So, I'll just have to ignore it if they continue to contact each other.


btw, this is exactly the wrong thing to do.


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## blindsidedintx

Good day, then horrible day.

I had my hopes going because our close friend that had a long talk with her said she was willing to seek counseling and stop contact with the OM.

The next evening, I notice her sitting in the car when she came home texting. Even my kids noticed her.

Today she texted me "Just let me be. Girls (our 3 daughters) will be fine. I'm tired..."

I text her back that I'm asking God for patience and guidance. That I need more than just a week to work things out. That I asked both her and the OM for patience but that they were still in contact with one another.

She replied: "I had to. Was working on looking for a house, and divorce papers."

Do you still think that writing a No Contact letter to the OM is going to work? What if she just flat out tells me no?

A friend and family counselor is out of town but will be back this Saturday. I hope she won't change her mind about visiting him by then.

I hear a lot of "give her space," but was wondering something. What if she's literally ready to sign papers tomorrow? Does that mean my time is up? Will giving her space make things worse?

She told me about everything a week ago. How much time to give her space do I really have? I asked for a couple of months, but am afraid they're going to pull the football away from me at the last second. 

I've been reading that this was going to be rough, but nothing can prepare you for this...

Pray for my family guys...


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## turnera

It's time to expose the affair, to get her family and his family to pressure them to stop. Calmly and politely call up her family and friends who are important to her and tell them she's stuck in an affair and you are trying to save the marriage, but you can't do that until she stops seeing OM. Ask them to talk to her if they believe she should do this the right way. Call OM's wife, parents, and siblings, and tell them the same thing.


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## blindsidedintx

I wish I had all that info.

Also, the only true friends that my wife has were my friends first. Remember, she had a terrible relationship with her adoptive "family" after coming from Mexico as a child.

She has no true friends and no family on her side. Ironically, the only person that she loves/trusts that did not originate from my side is the OM's mother! I don't know if they've told her, but considering that it's her son and she considers my wife like her daughter, she'll more than likely support them.

Any other friends she has are recently from work only. She's only been working for almost a year. The only friends (from work) that she's told have advised her to separate and check out the grass on the other side.

The only thing these "friends" have in common with my wife are their jobs and their obsession with the Twilight series.

I've begun alerting my friends that she truly respects and hope that she's willing to listen to them.

I have a couple more that may help. Thanks everyone.


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## turnera

Call OM's mother, for sure! Ask her if she thinks it's right for the two of them to break up a marriage for infidelity.


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## blindsidedintx

I think the OM's entire family know and have known for a while. Remember, the OM's mother is someone my wife has turned to throughout the years for friendship and comfort.

I don't think anyone on the OM's side of the family is going to do much to convince her of anything but leaving me.

She has no actual family except, tragically, the one she's built with me.

Since that other family has accepted her all these years, I'm sure she's sure everything will be beautiful over there.


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## turnera

PLEASE don't make the very common mistake of assuming what someone else will do.

And please don't underestimate the VERY powerful effect of you coming to their home and talking to them about what is going on.


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## blindsidedintx

I'm going to an LPC tomorrow evening on my own to make sure my head's in the right place before I move forward. He's one, if not the best, LPC in our area. I'm sure I'll be a lot more on track after our session. I'll update as soon as I can.

If he thinks it's a good idea right now, my wife and I will go in for a session on Friday.

I definitely feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago, but still feel like I have a piano on my chest.

Being the best dad and spouse I can right now. Hoping for the best, preparing for the worst.


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## turnera

Sounds great.


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## blindsidedintx

Got my own counseling. He asked me some tough questions about facing the realities of both outcomes (her staying or going). Had some time to think about it. A lot. That was Tuesday.

Wednesday, me and the wife did almost no talking.

Today, She's sensing that my change in behavior (doing more housework/being nicer) is me "trying too hard" to be nice. That I'm acting that way because the counselors are telling me to do that. I told her that it's not be being nicer, but me being the person I should have been a long time ago.

That led to her reinstating that it's over and she's leaving. I told her if that's her ultimate decision, fine, but she owes me some more time to get my act together. To get my head straight. To get some counseling. She seems to think that we've talked about it enough. Mind you, we've literally had about 5 conversations about the subject since she told me. Half were texts over the phone. The lives of 5 people are about to be changed forever, but that's enough discussion?!

She doesn't want to talk face-to-face with me. She says texting is easier for her. At least she's communicating, right? I told her I want to talk. She's convinced we've talked enough. I told her that whatever her decision is, I still owe it to myself and our kids to try to fight for this marriage. That I couldn't die knowing I just rolled over and let another man and his family destroy mine.

She told me I don't have to fight because there's nothing to fight for. Our kids will be taken care of and I will see them. I told her to stop talking about the girls being alright because she has NO IDEA how this will affect them. She told me neither do you. Doesn't seem like she's too concerned about their emotional well-being.

She let's me know that I can't force her to stay. I told her I'm not trying to force her to do anything. That I'm just asking for some time and to go to counseling. If it doesn't change anything for her, fine.

She told me "It's over ok. True love was never there. I'm tired and will soon leave."

I told her that if she doesn't want to think of me as her husband, fine, but as the FATHER of her kids, she owes me a little consideration, compassion, patience and openess.

It's not like she's been giving me any of these in a while, but at least I asked.

We're still scheduled for counseling this Friday afternoon. I just hope she doesn't change her mind to show up.

She's so lucky for everything she's been given, but she's too blind to see it. She's been abandoned by everyone that was supposed to love and care for her her whole life. Even after her infidelity I'm not abandoning her. Why can't she see that?

Seems she'll have to walk down that road and learn the hard way.

As of this last conversation I had with her, it seems like I'll have to start the legal chapter in this long and painful road soon. The ugly custody/alimony/child support battles is something I'm not looking forward to. I haven't told her I want custody of the kids because I got some legal advice that she may slap a restraining order on me. Hope is nothing but a candle flame in a hurricane now...

It seems that the couples counseling with a local pastor isn't going to help the marriage, but hopefully it will help me.

Pray for my kids guys.


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## turnera

Have you called her parents and siblings yet and told them?


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## finallyseewhy

I wanted to say I am really sorry  You HAVE to call the OM's family. I took control today and called the OW....but it was a little different pretty much he was telling us both 2 different things. I feel really liberated and in control I have felt helpless in this fight for a long time and I feel like I am beginning to have some. Did it make me feel completely better....NO but it did make me feel at ease. I was not going to let my name be dragged through the mud when I have always talked him up to everyone(people are going to be in complete shock when they find out  ) I needed to know what was going on and I had to take control because I knew he was just going to lie to me.


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## turnera

finallyseewhy, I'm glad you called the OW. Give it a week or so to see if they stop. But if they don't and you really want something to change, you're going to have to call HIS family and tell them what he's doing. So they can let him know they disapprove.


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## finallyseewhy

turnera-his father has cheater on all of his wives to such a extreme the stories would bring a grown man to tears. BUT I still am going to say something I will not be painted as this horrible person. I have protected his imagine for over 11 years to almost an extreme. When I say people will be shocked they really will be  Funny thing is he was worried of me telling my Mom....I am almost scared too I feel like a huge disappointment right now.


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## turnera

The NUMBER ONE thing I have learned on these forums over the years is that the ONE person they say they don't want to know...is the ONE person you HAVE to tell. That is the ONE person whose good esteem they crave the most. You have to tell your mom.


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## finallyseewhy

Yep your right  He didn't want me to tell his co-worker/OW...it was the ONLY time through out all of this he FLIPPED out and showed raw emotion his 'good guy' I'm evil persona was important to him at work....and it WILL get around at work. Then there is my Mom who loves him like a son and he is super close with. I seriously considered not telling her and protecting him for the kids sake but you know what...what about me? Why do I have to look like the villain?


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## turnera

Look at it this way. A typical person who cheats - meaning, NOT the serial cheaters - gets drawn into the cheating almost by accident. That means that they are naturally a good person, but the DRUG of the affair is too strong to resist. They get to a point where they get so much 'feel good' that they can't stay away from the OW, because of the 'fix' they get by meeting up with her.

YOUR job, as his wife, is to INTERVENE in his addiction. To STOP the flow of the fix by telling all his important people - those whose esteem he craves - that he has made a mistake and you need their help getting him to see what's going on, if they agree with you that it's a mistake. 

He NEEDS you to save him from the addiction. By exposing the affair for the sickness that it is, and that he can't pull himself out of, on his own - just like any other drug addict.


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## finallyseewhy

turnera I never saw it that way but once I read it makes prefect sense. He has pretty much told me he wants me to 'wait' while he figures out what is going on. I know by telling her changed the game I also know that him being a dad is the most important thing is in the world I can not fault him for that he is truly amazing. With that said I think he is thinking he is going to be able to come in and still 'play house with me' I don't want to put the stress on our kids but I really don't know what to do. To make a long story short he pretty much last week made love to me every day and even went and looked at home we were looking at buying. He cuddle and made me think it was going to be OK but then he saw a opening with her and then took it. The mixed singals really did something to me I am just numb


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## turnera

Go to marriagebuilders.com and start reading the stuff over there. It will teach you a lot about affairs. One of the things you'll learn is that people WILL abandon their children because of an affair. The FIX is just TOO strong. That mental, psychological 'feel good' is so overpowering that I've seen men - and women - throw away entire careers, their children, all their money, even their entire families...just so they can keep seeing the OW/OM.

I'm trying to warn you that it IS that dangerous.

What to do?

BE the powerful one in the situation. Marriagebuilders will give you concrete steps to take the END the affair. It will feel strange. You will feel like you're acting like a 'bad' person. But you have to do it, to SAVE your marriage.

Later, down the road, if you do succeed in breaking up the affair and your husband DOES see it for what it was - a fantasy and a horrible thing - he will thank you for rescuing him from his mistake.

If you don't break up the affair by exposing, you will STILL end up losing him, just as you would if you sat back and hoped and prayed and waited for him to come home.

But at least you'll have retained your dignity.

You HAVE to expose if he won't stop the affair.

PS: set up your own thread so other people will see it and help you.


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## finallyseewhy

Thanks Turnera LOL I just realized I took over his thread! I have a thread it is My patience was truly tested this morning...


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## blindsidedintx

Wish my wife had family to talk to her. She has zero. The only "family" she's developed over the years is the OM's. She has a couple of friends that she's hesitant to tell, but she said she will. Even though she really respects her opinion, I don't think it's a game-changer for her.

We went to a couples counselor last Friday and she had not changed her position. He had mentioned that his wife was a counselor that could help my wife with her own personal history issues that may help her. He asked her if my wife was willing to do some one-on-one with her. My wife, in tears, agreed.

Monday morning, my wife let me know to tell them thanks but no thanks. So, even with the prospect of talking to someone that could help her with stuff that deals with her and not our marriage, she's not willing to listen...

She's told me she's going to talk to her good friend and get everything out on the table. The was she was speaking it was like, once I tell her, I can finally move on regardless of what she says.

Can't force her to listen. Seems like nothing I've been doing or anything anyone has done or said has budged her one inch on her decision. She is going to leave.


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## blindsidedintx

My wife's been a busy bee.

Found out through her laptop's browser history that she's been searching, among other things: divorce, wedding dresses, wedding cakes, weddings in Vegas, tips for the stepdad, introducing kids to their new stepdad, blended families, etc.

Seems that everything in my browser history reflects reconciliation and hers everything about leaving. She didn't seem to have anything even close to trying to work things out or even counseling for herself (she has a lot of heavy stuff that happened to her growing up).

Looks like nothing or no one is going to stop her from leaving. I'm ready to accept that now. My biggest concern now is how the kids are going to handle it. If there were a way for me to absorb all their pain, I'd do it a thousand times over. I know that's impossible, and that kills me.

We have some serious talking to do regarding custody and all the other infinite details. I've been a stay-at-home dad for a year now, so hopefully she can help me out (like she said she would) until I find a job.

We have to discuss how all the specific details of all her planning aren't going to come true. The big one is that I want to keep the kids. Her and the OM are shopping for houses, and they expect our three girls to move in as soon as the divorce is finalized. I don't think so.

So much to take care of...


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## turnera

Well, if you've read marriagbuilders, they recommend telling the children the truth - they need to understand the destruction affairs cause, and they need to understand the truth about their wayward parent so that they don't grow up with a lie; once they DO find out the truth, they will be furious that they were lied to.


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## lucy mulholland

You are still in the heat of things, as is she. It will be hard to stick through this without having your trust and love totally damaged, but nothing is really beyond repair. You need to let her go, and figure out how to make it the smoothest possible change for your lovely children. Then, take some time and think about your love for her - how it has changed, and what you would do if she changed her mind and wanted to come back. Would you be bitter, or would you always seek reconciliation? At some point you will need to move on, and you need to decide when the right time is for you. Hopefully she will realize what she is giving up and perhaps agree to some counselling with you, but forcing anything will not work. All the best, and keep your heart open!


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## lucy mulholland

Hi, I wrote that last post after only reading the first page of threads...but now after reading them all I see it's more important than ever that you hold on to that vulnerable part of yourself that realized you want to fight for your family. Even when she thinks there is nothing to fight for. She may not realize it, but is needing to know you are there. You may decide you will always be there for her. Or you may decide much, much later that you have fully moved on. But don't give up yet, just because she seems so sure that she wants to. Hang on for both of you, keep going to counselling, and trust. You can do it. 

When I moved out I was high on the rush of what other life I could have - my browser would have been full of fantasy-type pursuits, like travel, step-parenting, romance. I imagined my wedding to whoever that lucky person would be, who would be perfect. It's a natural thing to do when you are unhappy. But thankfully after five months I realized I still loved my husband, and that the fantasy was just a fantasy. I couldn't walk away without really sticking through the hard process of figuring out why we've been so horrible to each other. 

I think you can stick it out too. Your wife has as lifetime of upsets buried deep, and it's clear that you love her. You can love her through this, too. All the best.


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## finallyseewhy

I am really sorry but I think it is a good thing you found what she was searching. If I was you I would FIGHT to keep those girls its all nice she wants to live in her own fantasy world and shack up with a new guy already but you have to protect those girls. If you have been a SAHD then she needs to help you out and you should keep those girls.


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## kenmoore14217

I think what you have to fight for before everything else is YOU!! You have to get your self esteem and respect back. You are the one who you see every morning when you look in the mirror. As your confidence oozes back into your system you will be looked upon differently. Won't happen overnight but it WILL HAPPEN. Start thinking about the "good" you, have a "Zen" moment and just about all the "good" things you have done in YOUR life. Don't think of any negativity.........let God handle those. Be patient and go forward for you and everything else will start to fall into place.


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## turnera

Make sure you are keeping a journal that she can't find, of all the things she does that are detrimental to the kids. The judge will pay more attention to that journal than to anything anyone says.


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## Scannerguard

I read through this somewhat because your situation sounds simliar to mine, although I was the initiator/leaver but my wife has been harboring a "back-up" guy and essentially successfully forcing me out of my marriage.

I think Lucy Mullholland gives the advice I would give - it's a not a "panacea" but demonstrating to your wife that divorce isn't romantic, it isn't glamorous, it isn't a cure to her unhappiness and letting her reach that conclusion is all you can do, WHILE, WHILE you move forward in your own way like your counselor suggested.

That question was very good from your counselor and deeper than you may think -

What are you doing to prepare if it doesn't work out?

Placing all your emotional chips and efforts in the "reconciliation basket" is risky IMO. 

And. . .and. . .it doesn't help the reconciliation chances. . .that's the ironic part. You would think you being a faithful puppy would help and she'll just say, "Awlllll. What a nice puppy! I just love this puppy" It doesn't.

More than likely, and what it sound like from my end, is she's saying, "Damn this puppy is a pain in the butt. I was it would just buzz off so I can get on with my life, the life I intend."

I think you need to hedge your bets so to speak. Start investing in yourself and your future as I did so your kids will have a father who's eventually healed and on his feet. 

I mean damn, she says she loves someone else and never loved you. Let her make that choice (I think loving someone is a choice. . .maybe sexual attraction isn't. . .but loving is) and let her understand the reality of co-parenting, joint custody, reduction in lifestyle, kids who will naturally resent the stepparent (you arent' my real Dad! F. off!) and the happy couple will realize life is more complicated than a fairytale.

Romantic women (and your wife sounds like a romantic) don't think of this crapola when they pull this stuff. They think they are entitled to the fairytale ending and it's just NOT an entitlement in this country (yet. . .but the way things are going, who knows  )


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## blindsidedintx

Wow. The last few posts have really given me the most insight so far. Maybe it has to do with my head being a little clearer than a few weeks ago, but the advice seems solid.

I'm going through the Love Dare book and in many ways, the loving giving aspect of that book sometimes are in direct conflict with advice I received here. One thing that is common though is to take care of ME before anyone else. I think that book is helping me do that for sure.

She's recently been hurting me (and unknowing to her the kids) with the whole "i'm going out" attitude. There's been at least 4 times last week that she didn't come home in time to see the kids before they were in bed. Throughout it though, she keeps reiterating that she's not being selfish. Amazing.

I am exploring the whole "do I really want to stay with her" scenarios in my heart and mind. I know that I wasn't the perfect husband (not taking initiative to help with housework), but I know that I've been a GOOD person and a giving and loving person. I've also made changes to pull my weight around the house. 

I know that I can look back on our relationship and know that I was better to her than any other person on this planet ever has been. Does she see that now? Probably not. Will she eventually? I don't know. But I think I'm beginning to prepare myself for that eventuality.

Proverbs 3:5 is something that everyone is sending to me and I know I have to take that to heart. I know that at the end of this difficult journey, I could look back and know that I did everything that a good person would have done. I still don't know what God's plan is for me or us, but I know I will be in a better place a year from now.

Her one-on-one counseling is scheduled for tonight. If she doesn't cancel, I expect the silent treatment and anger coming from her for the next few days. She's still 100% convinced that the divorce is a sure thing. That the OM and her were destined to be together. I still don't believe it and won't know for sure for what I'm sure is at least another year.

Regardless, I know that I have improved myself over these past few weeks and pray to God for the strength to continue to better myself as a man and as a father.

Thanks for following along on this bumpy ride guys. I value your input and will continue to return here for your insight.


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## blindsidedintx

We were talking last night about when to tell the kids about separating. She resisted going to counseling on how to tell them. She told me that when she went to her own one-on-one counseling it did "absolutely nothing" to help her. She insists that counseling doesn't help and that why do we need someone to help us tell the kids.

I was a taken aback how little she cared about how the news would affect our kids. She said that however we tell them, it's still going to put them through pain, so why can't we just do it ourselves without help.

This disagreement blew up the conversation and we both got angry and, at least on my part, I said some things that I regret now. She wound up changing her mind about our conversation a couple of days ago. Now she does NOT want a separation and she does NOT want me to be the primary on the custody. Somehow she's afraid that if I get primary custody that I'll "leave with the kids" or something else.

I assured her that my stance on us being the best parents for the kids hasn't changed and that I would never do anything like that. She didn't seem convinced. She wants the divorce and keep primary custody, but have me take the kids for a year, then when she introduces OM to kids, she wants to take them. She's afraid that I'll if we get separated and I keep the kids, I'll bring up in divorce court that she abandoned them.

I wasn't the best partner and husband and I see now how I wasn't as supportive as she needed me to be. I've completely changed now forever and she has noticed it, but thinks it's a temporary thing just to try to win her back. I assured her it was permanent and of course she doesn't believe me.

She questioned me that why didn't I make these changes earlier and I honestly couldn't give her an answer that satisfied her. I told her that it took something as big as her threatening to leave to get me to change. She told me that now it's too late. That the OM has everything she needed from me. She doesn't need me to change for her anymore since she doesn't need me anymore. She needed me then and I wasn't there for her.

I feel horrible for my deficiencies during our marriage. I apologized for everything that I never did, but everything I got from her was "too late." She told me that it's good for me that I've changed, but it's no good for her. She's gone. Nothing I do or say will make her give me a second chance.

She said today she's going to serve me with the actual divorce papers and that she expects me to sign them within a week. Of course, I'm not signing anything right away. I have to talk to her when she cools off and try to come to an agreement about a mutual separation. I still feel that's the best way for all involved to get through this. I need to make her understand that I'm not going to freak out and run off with the kids.

I knew things were going to get tougher, but this is really starting to freak me out because she's becoming more angry and defensive about the kids. At this point, their transition to a new life is my priority.


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## turnera

Do you have a lawyer yet? You are about to get blindsided for sure, because she's about to take the girls away from you and get primary custody and move OM INTO your house. All you have done is allow her to live two lives and try to be 'nice.' Look what it's got you. I'm not trying to be mean, but good grief!

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?

Have you gone to marriagebuilders.com to see their take on your situation?

You're about to lose everything. I've seen the signs. Trust me. SHE is getting advice from someone on how to push you out.


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## Anna11

i feel sorry for you I have been in the same situation like yours my h is the one who betrayed me...I cried out to God last night and told God that I am angry with Him for letting me suffer..i repented and asked forgiveness, today is another day..we can do it


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