# What have you done to help your Former-Wayward Spouse



## carolinadreams (Nov 30, 2012)

become a better spouse?

Our lives are a bit more organized now. 

I make sure my expectations, and boundaries are clearly articulated and not just implied or assumed.

Ongoing IC, was a condition of returning.

What else have other people done in their marriages to support, and help the WS be a full, responsible partner?

Edit: Retitled the post, there's no helping someone who is still wayward


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

carolinadreams said:


> become a better spouse?
> 
> Our lives are a bit more organized now.
> 
> ...


I no longer accept passive aggressive behavior from him. For example, instead of beating around the bush asking me what I'd like to do over a weekend, I told him I would prefer more direct conversation, "I'd like to do 'X' this weekend. What would you like to do?" Instead of already having an idea in mind, not saying so and expecting me to be a mind reader, then resent me when I don't magically fall upon the idea of what he wants to do. Because of the way we handle this together (passive aggressiveness is a major irritant for me), I am pleased with his more direct approach and he has said being more direct has done wonders for him at home and elsewhere. Also stated he never realized how PA he had been for most of his life.

IC was a must before R'ing would even be considered. Ongoing transparency with electronic/phone communication. Be willing to realize, understand and LIVE the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is for the bathroom, secrecy is gone and if ever not, he will be. A willingness to discuss the affair and deal with marital problems head-on. No rug sweeping is tolerated from either of us....I also have been guilty of rug sweeping on many issues in the past.

In general our communication has improved leaps and bounds. We are both choosing to be more direct with one another, more questions and less assuming. 

BTW, great question.:smthumbup:


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I gave mine an opportunity to start her life a new and make from it as she will. I filed for, and saw through a divorce. FWIW, I have also forgiven her.


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## Foolish1 (Apr 5, 2013)

I try to follow this, even though it's more for husbands.

For the BH - be the husband she needs - - Marriage Builders® Forums

Note - I have copies of most of their communications, they were never physical, and he never bad mouthed me. If it wasn't for those things I highly doubt I would be able to do the stuff in that link.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Be the husband she needs. Love, honor and cherish her. Tell her she is loved and adored. Be there for her. Allow her to talk about her pain too, acknowledge her pain and struggles. Don't make R one sided.

Tell her "I'm sorry" for my huge part in our miserable marriage pre-a.

Work on me. I still have a long way to go but I am working on me, for me, and for her.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I didn't murder her.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Not doing squat.

Treating her with decency, being helpful as a spouse should be, and not rubbing it - that's about all. When I have an urge to be extra nice it's often followed up with recollection of how being nice for 10 years blew up in my face.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Nothing. I left. I didn't care and I was done with that marriage. There was not even one happy moment the entire time we were together. The entire marriage was pure hell from the beginning. Even our wedding night was awful. He left for most of the reception(hours) and I was alone with over 250 guests. I blame myself for letting myself marry that fool. I thought I could help him become a better person if I tried during our marriage together. It didn't work. I really did try while we were together and it was through a professional. The counselor told me that our marriage wasn't worth saving and I was wasting my time trying. He was right. 

There was absolutely nothing I could do or say to help my WExH. I also do not think many serial cheaters can be reformed into being monogamous. I did not expose either. I left. My exh is a cake eater. To this day I can not understand why someone would demand to stay married and yet continue to have several affairs on the side. 

He did marry one of the OW's he was with. She knew we were married and fought for him. I don't understand that either, but it didn't take much for her to win. I often wonder if she felt that she made the right decision. They are still together after 19 years. As far as I know, she knows of 3 affairs he had on her. I'm sure there's more. Luckily I don't have to contact him any longer. Our child together is grown into an adult. I do know that after 19 years he still blames me for his current miserable life. You'd think he'd move on by now.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Demand that "past"OW pay for the divorce when there is gaslighting or rug sweeping. This after repeated communication on a civil level fails. Call him on every form of deceit. I am sorry to say I have told him that death is better than living another day with him and that I value truth over a covenant. I mean it. These make him THINK.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Kicked her to the curb. That was 25 years ago and she's still a treacherous, evil, bat. I merely extricated myself from her zone of destruction.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I was a good husband and great father before her betrayal. I was a good husband and great father during the betrayal.

I am now a great father as we are divorced.

What did I do for her? Vanguard's answer is the best. Right now she is lucky that I am still living with her. I know this because I also know how good a husband I have been in the traditional not beating your wife doing my share of the chores buying flowers taking her on awesome holidays giving her a farm, horses, horse trailer(s), 2 wonderful children, no money worries until recently, trust, love, telling her she is beautiful and desirable, supporting her, rubbing her back whenever it ached, listening when she was stressed, taking account of what she wanted, having a vasectomy so she didn't need to take the pill oh but wait she took it for the posom so what was that about, trying to be an equal partner, making romantic several course meals with her favourites and lighting candles, putting up with her awful family etc. etc. way.

Oh, I drink a bit less. Jog every day. I don't let her treat me like a doormat. I do that for me, though - not her. 

After I gave my ex wife 22 years of my life and every single thing I ever did she repaid it by betraying me with a loser - and doing more for him than she ever did for me. She did that because in her twisted, narcissistic, mind, a man who gives everything is worth nothing.

One day I might begin to respect her like I used to, but that was such an enormous mistake I really doubt it.

Other than that, lots.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I was a good husband and great father before her betrayal. I was a good husband and great father during the betrayal.
> 
> I am now a great father as we are divorced.
> 
> ...


Hmmmm. Now let's think on this shall we, Chris? I am going to assume your wife really loved/loves you. 
But that she lusted after the OM. 

Why might she give OM things she would not give you?

She already had you. You were committed to her 100%.
OM, however, he wasn't committed to her. So if he asked her for something so 'nasty' you would not even dream of asking her for, she would do it for OM for fear of losing him.

However her affair was so disrespectful to you and the children that in the end it was not fixable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

I own my share of what had allowed our marriage to slip into a state of roomates raising kids together. I am no longer complacent on any level. I no longer allow her to be complacent.

I hold her accountable, in real time. If she is failing to meet a need, I tell her so. If she does something that angers me, I tell her so. But I work to ensure I do it in a constructive way. 

I no longer allow anger to be the only emotion she shares. I ask her how she is feeling, if she is happy. I have worked with her to help her grow as a person. She now understands the dangers of depending on others to deliver your happiness. She now knows the importance of maintaing perspective in life, and enjoying the smaller things as they happen.

I have made clear the boundaries of our marriage and the very immediate ramifications if they are ever crossed again. 

I gave her a second chance at being the wife and mother she wants to be. And thus far, she has worked her a$$ off and is delivering. It is a different future than the one I envisioned on our wedding day, but it still a future that I can find love and happiness in. One day at a time.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> I own my share of what had allowed our marriage to slip into a state of roomates raising kids together. I am no longer complacent on any level. I no longer allow her to be complacent.
> 
> I hold her accountable, in real time. If she is failing to meet a need, I tell her so. If she does something that angers me, I tell her so. But I work to ensure I do it in a constructive way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:with bold print

Now and then I have to point out that some things are not acceptable....he cheated via work, and so NO it isn't acceptable to send emails to female colleagues at 10pm sitting on the sofa with me! Innocent yes, but acceptable NO! _Put yourself in my shoes_

I do a lot of that kind of thing these days...but he is taking it on board.


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