# Friend in the Fog-Help!



## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I have a life long friend that I am very close with. She has been a single mom for many years. Raising her kids and pouring into their lives. She has not been in a relationship since their dad when they were small. She has always been very chaste and has chosen to basically shut down that part of life until she remarries someday, but she’s been so focused on her work and kids she hasn’t yet found someone.

In the last few years she has become friends with a married male co-worker. (Because they worked together there was actually time)

I could see the warning signs early on and warned her once a couple of years ago. She assured me of the ways in which they were careful to protect the friendship from going too far and I said, why do you have to make these rules for yourselves if nothing is there? 

A year later I felt some concern again and warned her again and she and he made even more rules for themselves and then proceeded to continue the friendship. Although she did admit that there had been an inappropriate touch from him once while dancing together. (Seriously she is very chaste so this was an admission that she felt really bad about.)
One of the changes they made was he wanted to include her in his whole life instead of keeping their friendship separate. So she began to be a friend of the family instead of just his friend.

In a lot of ways she is very naive and thinks that this friendship is valuable to her. She has become so attached to the entire family now that she can’t even see her life without them.

The kids adore her and call her auntie and she has become very close to the wife. Even developing a separate friendship with her that she would want to keep even if things change between him and her.

BUT this is NOT healthy. I see the way he looks at her and the way they are so intertwined. And because of my own story I see the signs very clearly.

How can I convince her that she needs to break ties with this family? 

She can’t see why it’s unhealthy. She can’t see that he basically has two wives, one emotional and one with a ring.

I can’t seem to help her see the danger. She respects my opinion greatly, but on this she can’t see it.
If she had a husband or boyfriend they would be putting up a huge stink about her ‘friend’ at this point. 
He says he wants to see her find someone and wants to help her meet guys, etc. but I smell a rat, personally. But he’s very charismatic and always seems willing to learn and grow and change so he comes across as very believable.

I just don’t think he is being honest with his true intentions. I think he’s a serious cake-eater. 

Anyone have any advice on how to help her understand?


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Good grief. Ask her if she's happy being the OW. Because that's what she is whether she knows it or not. And if she's as chaste as you say she is she'd be backing out of that menage a trois quicker than hot air let out of a held in fart!

Seriously, she can't see it because she doesn't want to see it. She's getting her jollies out of it. Maybe call her on that. 

Then describe the horrible consequences torn apart families suffer because of infidelity. Better still, send her here to TAM so she can read for herself what an EA looks like and what happens to families torn apart by them.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

They all wouldn't be Mormons by any chance? If so, they all know what they're getting into.

Come to think of it there are several other small sects that are pro-polygamy as well.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I actually find it odd that a guy whose 'dancing around the pit' (likely looking to cheat on his wife but hasn't - yet) has wasted *this* much time 'grooming' your friend when there are _much_ easier women out there who wouldn't require_ nearly_ all that time and effort he's expended. 

I'll assume your friend is Romeo's 'first' dalliance. He's clearly an amateur.

Make your opinion known to your friend, then butt out. She's not going to listen to you or anyone else. She's going to have to learn this lesson for herself and when it eventually blows up in her face (and it will), she'll be expecting you to help her pick up the pieces, regardless of the fact that you tried to warn her this would happen. And, you'll have to go easy on the "I told you so!'s" when it's all over but the screaming.

That's likely how this will all go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

My opinion?

Both are happy dancing with each other. 

She is very low drive, so is her male friend.

She is a grown women.

I would not butt in. 
Both are happy. 
His wife is happy.

My concern is for your friend. 
She has friend-latched onto this man and has effectively locked herself away from forming any new male-relationship.

She obviously does not want a sexual relationship.
She will guard her own hen-house.

We, on TAM are paranoid. 
Rightfully so.

Be your friends Jimminy Cricket, her friendly and helpful conscience, not her critic.


Just Sayin'



[THRD]


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This wife does not have a problem with this friendship? WOW.

I don't think your friend is as innocent as she portrays herself to be.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> This wife not have a problem with this friendship? WOW.
> 
> I don't think your friend is as innocent as she portrays herself to be.


You may be correct.
Time will tell.

She, he?

Lips sealed?.
Lips locked, onto each other?



Aside: Maybe the wife has given the husband a lifetime hall pass? 
Nah..



Lilith-


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

tigerlily99 said:


> I have a life long friend that I am very close with. She has been a single mom for many years. Raising her kids and pouring into their lives. She has not been in a relationship since their dad when they were small. She has always been very chaste and has chosen to basically shut down that part of life until she remarries someday, but she’s been so focused on her work and kids she hasn’t yet found someone.
> 
> In the last few years she has become friends with a married male co-worker. (Because they worked together there was actually time)
> 
> ...


Sounds like you've done all you can do. Just tell her you'll be there for her when her life implodes. Then back all the way off.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

In my first marriage, there was a female like this who inserted herself into our marriage, whether innocently or not. Luckily my now ex was so low/no drive that nothing sexual came of it, but it was definitely weird, and I didn't like it. She kind of...seemed to subtly try to edge me out with both him and the kids, one day even scolding me about how I folded things, telling me my H liked it "this" way better!

Your friend is in for a world of hurt. But you won't be able to convince her.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have a close friend who I fought tooth and nail to try and keep her from cheating on her husband. Didn't work, she did it anyway, then couldn't understand why people have shunned her. She blew up her whole life, when all she had to do was TELL her husband she wanted a divorce. She was a coward, and now her relationship with her kids is rocky and may never be repaired going forward. 

What the hell is wrong with this wife that she cant see what is right in front of her face?? Your friend is naïve and stupid.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Any chance of her listening to an outside professional--pastor, priest, counselor? Of course, she would have to be honest with them and currently she doesn't recognize truth. Does she know what an EA is? Many--especially if naive--don't.

She needs to make a plan--what she is going to do when he makes the first move from EA into a PA. This might open the door to her current reality.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Is there a great age difference or something similar that would make this kind of relationship seem okay to the wife? I can't comprehend how the wife is not raising a stink about this. Her kids are calling her husband's "friend" auntie?!? Wow! They're all living in some sort of freakish fantasyland. This situation is so bizarre that I can't imagine how you can do anything to straighten it out. For your own sake, tell your friend you prefer her not mention anything about it unless she needs some support to break it off.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Tell our friend this road will not end well. When the road comes to an abrupt crashing end you can say to your friend she was warned. Nothing else should you do.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

syhoybenden said:


> They all wouldn't be Mormons by any chance? If so, they all know what they're getting into.


Actually, Mormons (members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) don't engage in polygamy.

There are indeed other sects that do, and these people may indeed go down this path, and possibly be happy doing so - but they won't be Mormons.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I want to thank you all for your advice. It’s hard to receive that I may not be able to help my friend. I was hoping that somehow she was innocent and that this was just some kind of exception. Just because I struggled with getting emotionally attached to a guy I was friends with for a period of time I though maybe I was projecting that on to her.
Like maybe somehow this is different and my friend found a way to actually be friends with a guy who is clearly attracted to her. 
Like maybe **I** am the weird one. 

So I’ve wanted to think the best and believe her innocence...but in my heart of hearts I know this is wrong.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

wilson said:


> Wow! They're all living in some sort of freakish fantasyland.



@wilson this is sort of how I feel around them. Like reality is suspended and everyone is seeing this but no one is looking. It’s like the emperors new clothes.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Anonymously tip off the wife that you saw them making out. It might be a lie but it will hopefully be enough to destroy their freaky relationship.

Something like this

“I thought you should know that I saw your husband and “insert friend’s name” holding hands and kissing in the park. I thought you should know as I hate to see cheaters prosper. I would like to remain anonymous because I don’t want to be involved. Good luck.”


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Don't do what the poster above said.

But do have a serious talk with the wife. 

Don't accuse her hubby of anything, but let her know what a bad idea and how potentially dangerous all of this is for an affair, if an affair is not already going on.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

It sounds like the Wife is ok with their friendship and also enjoys your friends company herself. As long as she is on board I don’t see an issue.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

smi11ie said:


> anonymously tip off the wife that you saw them making out. It might be a lie but it will hopefully be enough to destroy their freaky relationship.
> 
> Something like this
> 
> “i thought you should know that i saw your husband and “insert friend’s name” holding hands and kissing in the park. I thought you should know as i hate to see cheaters prosper. I would like to remain anonymous because i don’t want to be involved. Good luck.”


***do not do this ***


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You're suggesting OP insert herself into this situation, tell a huge lie to the wife, ruin what seems to me to be a platonic friendship, and possibly ruin a marriage? That would make OP the crazy one in this situation. Terrible advice! 

OP, I think you're projecting here, as you mentioned. It's a little weird that she is latching onto this family so closely, but it really could be just close friendship. I know that's hard for many on this forum to imagine, but it is possible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tigerlily99 Invite her to TAM?


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> @tigerlily99 Invite her to TAM?




I have told her about TAM and how much it has helped me. I think when she’s ready she will do some searching. She told me that she did look into some stuff about healthy relationships/friendships etc. on the Internet so I’m hopeful.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

There are some books that she should read. Ths one comes to mind. Someone else may have a recommendation they like as well.


Shirley P. Glass 
Not "Just Friends":


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

Decorum said:


> There are some books that she should read. Ths one comes to mind. Someone else may have a recommendation they like as well.
> 
> 
> Shirley P. Glass
> Not "Just Friends":




Thank you @Decorum I actually have a copy of that book that I think I will give her.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OnTheRocks said:


> OP, I think you're projecting here, as you mentioned. It's a little weird that she is latching onto this family so closely, but it really could be just close friendship. I know that's hard for many on this forum to imagine, but it is possible.


I agree...there is no there there if you know what I mean. I think this really is innocent. Trust me...I have lived the sketchiest life ever. If he really wanted more from her he wouldn't have bought her into his family life. Nothing to see or do here.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ReformedHubby said:


> I agree...there is no there there if you know what I mean. I think this really is innocent. Trust me...I have lived the sketchiest life ever. If he really wanted more from her he wouldn't have bought her into his family life. Nothing to see or do here.


 That's really not true.

You read and hear about this being done *ALL* the time. Cheaters finding a way to incorporate their OW or OM into their regular lives because it makes it so much easier for them to see each other and spend time together (even if they can't be touching or affectionate, etc.) For some cheaters, it's a great big old "FU" to their spouses and they get off on blatantly disrespecting them in that fashion. For others, they LOVE the ego strokes of having their spouse _and_ their affair partner all together because they get off on knowing both women (or men) love/admire them. And for some, just the taboo, naughty nature of playing so close to the fire by bringing both worlds together gives them a rush they just can't resist.

'There are plenty of reasons why cheaters do this, but they do it all the time.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

People also become friends with other people all the time without the goal of banging.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's really not true.
> 
> You read and hear about this being done *ALL* the time. Cheaters finding a way to incorporate their OW or OM into their regular lives because it makes it so much easier for them to see each other and spend time together (even if they can't be touching or affectionate, etc.)


^^^ Exactly ^^^

"Just over half (53.5 percent) of those reporting extramarital sex said they were unfaithful with someone they knew well, such as a close friend." 

https://www.colorado.edu/asmagazine...y-be-close-friends-and-men-are-more-apt-cheat

It's the reason "work-place" affairs are so common. Two people around each other 8+ hours every day... joking, smiling, touching. The friendship followed by the sexual tension... a full blown affair. The idea of excepting another woman actually integrated into the family household is coo-coo. :slap:


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am certainly glad to see a few posters with a sense of reality. The OP says she has told her friend about her misgivings. What more can you do? You definitely should not lie as one poster has suggested. You cannot think for someone else or force them to accept your misgivings. Is there something there? Maybe, but no one except those two actually know it. My advice-you said your piece, now back off and let whatever happens happens. There is nothing more for you to do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

The husband probably tells himself he is 'just friends' with the OW and its totally harmless, so why shouldn't she come to the home, be friends with his wife, one big happy family. I think your friend TL and the husband are both lying to themselves. This will end in tears.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Only thing that can be said to friend is she is having an affair
that an EA is just as bad as a PA
that she is wasting her life for this EA is keeping her from connecting
with a man that is free to bond with her.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

oldtruck said:


> Only thing that can be said to friend is she is having an affair
> that an EA is just as bad as a PA
> that she is wasting her life for this EA is keeping her from connecting
> with a man that is free to bond with her.


I am not even sure it could be classified as an EA. An EA has to be both ways in my opinion. To me it sounds like a crush...but an unhealthy one.


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