# Question for the ladies



## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Is it OK for your husband or bf to ask about your past relationships?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Boyfriend, yes. Husband, no. If it matters that much, should have decided that was important info. to have before the nuptials.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ray, I believe in open honesty from both parties before any commitment occurs. However, if you're married and THEN asking for past details, it's not very fair on your partner that you should criticize him/her after the fact. By marrying you took the person and accepted them "as is." 

If it's important to know the answer to this question (or to ask the question) ideally it should be done at the dating stage, imo.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You did say relationships, so that leaves out one night stands, flings, random threesomes, etc., right? It's not a relationship unless there was an agreement to be exclusive. In that case, sure, it's okay to ask about past relationship, but even then details aren't any of your business unless offered.


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I think it depends on the question... What kind of questions are we talking? Cheating? Same sex experimentation? Sex frequency? Personal stuff or just general like the length of relationships?

I'm not sure, in a way I feel the past is the past. But I've always honestly answered any questions H has asked. He actually refrains from probing because it makes him feel jealous. I also feel jealous even thinking of him with someone else.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Idun said:


> I think it depends on the question... What kind of questions are we talking? Cheating? Same sex experimentation? Sex frequency? Personal stuff or just general like the length of relationships?
> 
> I'm not sure, in a way I feel *the past is the past*. But I've always honestly answered any questions H has asked. He actually refrains from probing because it makes him feel jealous. I also feel jealous even thinking of him with someone else.


I was waiting for this before jumping in...if one is going to hold to the past is the past, then they have an obligation to their partner to ensure that it does indeed stay in the past, and not become part of the present. That is much easier said than done, as the past presumably involves other people, and one can't control what others say and do. 

I suspect the vast majority of the situations that lead to the question of "Is it ok to ask about the past?" being asked are not because the idea to ask came totally out of the blue. Something happened, someone said something, or did something in the present to start the line of questions in the first place...which indicates that the questions about the past are being asked to better understand something in the present.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not a lady but I a have always asked about my SO past. With my X wife didn't need to cause I was her past but with all my GF since I have. Never been an issue to ask...matter of fact only place I ever heard it was an issue was here on TAM. To me communication is crucial for relationships and if a woman can't even talk about past relationships, what went wrong with them and all that, we wouldn't be compatible. But as I said I have yet to meet this woman in real life.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Yes, but it would not be OK to expect intimate details of those relationships.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Early in dating, I think questions are fair, but not answering is also fair. Each can end the relationship if they don't like the questions, answers, or lack of answers.

Once you are in a committed relationship, then I think anything other than (honesty) curiosity questions are not appropriate - and not answering those is fine. The only exception is if you have good reason to believe your partner was actively deceptive (not just neglecting to discuss) earlier. 

Personally, I couldn't care less what my wife did before we were married.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i never ask my wife about her past relationships, UNLESS, she brings up something first about her ex's., then i may ask something but without being too nosy or interrogatory.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Ray83 said:


> Is it OK for your husband or bf to ask about your past relationships?


24 years in we're still finding out new details on past sexual experiences. It's a little different now. Not like "how many guys or girls did you sleep with" but about all the stupid goofy details. We just laugh. It's a way to get to know each other better.
I think talking about it WITHOUT judgment makes us closer.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

UMP said:


> 24 years in we're still finding out new details on past sexual experiences. It's a little different now. Not like "how many guys or girls did you sleep with" but about all the stupid goofy details. We just laugh. It's a way to get to know each other better.
> *I think talking about it WITHOUT judgment makes us closer.*


That is key.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Thank you all for your replies and advice. Here's my situation... Before we were married my wife to be told me the number of people she slept with. All but two were relationships with the two being one night stands. I found out from her after we were married that in her past relationships when she wanted to be done she would start acting *****y as she put it so they would break up with her that way she wouldn't be the one ending it. She also told me that so far her relationship with me is the only one in which she hasn't cheated. That lead me to asking her a little bit more about her past relationships more so to give me things to watch for. I don't hound her about her past, the conversation will come up occasionally and I'll ask her things about it pertaining to what we're talking about.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Thank you all for your replies and advice. Here's my situation... Before we were married my wife to be told me the number of people she slept with. All but two were relationships with the two being one night stands. I found out from her after we were married that in her past relationships when she wanted to be done she would start acting *****y as she put it so they would break up with her that way she wouldn't be the one ending it. She also told me that so far her relationship with me is the only one in which she hasn't cheated. That lead me to asking her a little bit more about her past relationships more so to give me things to watch for. *I don't hound her about her past, the conversation will come up occasionally and I'll ask her things about it pertaining to what we're talking about*.


How does she react to your questions?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Thank you all for your replies and advice. Here's my situation... Before we were married my wife to be told me the number of people she slept with. All but two were relationships with the two being one night stands. I found out from her after we were married that in her past relationships when she wanted to be done she would start acting *****y as she put it so they would break up with her that way she wouldn't be the one ending it. She also told me that so far her relationship with me is the only one in which she hasn't cheated. That lead me to asking her a little bit more about her past relationships more so to give me things to watch for. I don't hound her about her past, the conversation will come up occasionally and I'll ask her things about it pertaining to what we're talking about.


Ray, she's an admitted cheater. She may have done some self improvement, but I'd tread very, very carefully if I were you. Cheaters are not known for their truth.

Why do you believe she mentioned her past cheating to you?


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Sam...usually pretty well. When I feel she wants to be done talking about it I drop it. I'm not sure why she told me about her past cheating. We went through a rough stretch awhile back and I asked if there was something going on. She said there was not and has never cheated on me, but then asked if I'd really want to know if she had?? That question kind of blew me away!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Not married anymore, but I would have found it odd if my then-husband started asking questions about my exes, since I disclosed pretty much anything and everything before we were married.

I figure, if you're gonna marry somebody, you should get it all out there before you exchange vows. Find out in advance if it's going to be a problem for your partner, so you can get out, if need be.

But my personal opinion is that it shouldn't matter once you're married, and as others have said, the past is in the past. I'd say the only exception is if you find our your partner intentionally lied to to you about something in their past. For example, I have the sneaking suspicion that much of what my XH told me about his previous relationships were fabrications or distorted truths. If I had known the actual truth, there's a possibility I wouldn't have stayed with/married him. If we were still married, I would be pressing him for the truth about the former relationships because he previously lied to me about it. I think that makes a difference.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> That is key.


I actually think it's a good thing. If you want to find out why your spouse is having sex a certain way, or likes a certain thing, sometimes it's good to know how they learned what they learned.
We talk about what it was like when we first gave oral or what sort of kinks our ex's had, etc. It enables us to look deeper into our spouses mind to try and understand their current perspective on sex and how they got that way.

I also believe it's a good recipe to surpass current sexual bounderies WITHOUT conflict.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Thank you all for your replies and advice. Here's my situation... Before we were married my wife to be told me the number of people she slept with. All but two were relationships with the two being one night stands. I found out from her after we were married that in her past relationships when she wanted to be done she would start acting *****y as she put it so they would break up with her that way she wouldn't be the one ending it. She also told me that so far her relationship with me is the only one in which she hasn't cheated. That lead me to asking her a little bit more about her past relationships more so to give me things to watch for. I don't hound her about her past, the conversation will come up occasionally and I'll ask her things about it pertaining to what we're talking about.


So... basically, she lied to you about previous relationships before you were married. Because of that lie, you are now discovering that she's not exactly the person you thought you married, and you're not sure what to do with this new information.

Given that she initially lied/hid things from you, and didn't fully disclose before you married... I think you have the right to ask as many question as you want now, because she denied you the opportunity to learn these things before you were married.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I find it kind of worrying that she would suddenly bring it up during a bad spell. A guilty conscience looks for reassurance and rationalization. It was important you know now for a reason. I'd be curious to know what that reason is.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Satya said:


> I find it kind of worrying that she would suddenly bring it up during a bad spell. A guilty conscience looks for reassurance and rationalization. It was important you know now for a reason. I'd be curious to know what that reason is.


What I envision is a defensive lashing out response by someone with little self control or filter during a bad spell. Something along the lines of "Yeah, well, in the past when things got like this, I'd cheat on them..." with the implied threat of he'd better watch his step or this is what'll happen, and he should consider himself lucky, and perhaps grateful she hadn't done that to him.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> What I envision is a defensive lashing out response by someone with little self control or filter during a bad spell. Something along the lines of "Yeah, well, in the past when things got like this, I'd cheat on them..." with the implied threat of he'd better watch his step or this is what'll happen, and he should consider himself lucky, and perhaps grateful she hadn't done that to him.


Yeah, that's bad news right there, if that's what's happening.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

She told me before we went through the rough time that I was the only one she hadn't cheated on. During the rough time is when I asked if there was something going on because she acted like I didn't exist. As far as asking me if I'd want to know if she ever cheated on me, I don't know if it was a threat or what. I didn't know how to take it though that she would even ask that.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> She told me before we went through the rough time that I was the only one she hadn't cheated on. During the rough time is when I asked if there was something going on because she acted like I didn't exist. As far as asking me if I'd want to know if she ever cheated on me, I don't know if it was a threat or what. I didn't know how to take it though that she would even ask that.


What was happening during this "rough time?"


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Satya, if I remember right it was over housework. She was upset and was saying that I wasn't helping enough, I was upset because she is horrible at picking up after herself or putting things away. I finally got tired of it and told her why, she then in turn quick talking to me for the most part or having any contact. After two weeks I asked what was going on and she was waiting for me to apologize. She said she was starting to feel disconnected and in the past that's when she would end up cheating, when she felt disconnected. So after that I tried to contribute more to the housework and not push so much for her to put things away. A side note....she would get mad at me because she felt the house wasn't picked up enough and that was why she couldn't find her car keys, purse, etc. I said if they were put away she could find them and she disagreed.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Satya, if I remember right it was over housework. She was upset and was saying that I wasn't helping enough, I was upset because she is horrible at picking up after herself or putting things away. I finally got tired of it and told her why, she then in turn quick talking to me for the most part or having any contact. After two weeks I asked what was going on and she was waiting for me to apologize. She said she was starting to feel disconnected and in the past that's when she would end up cheating, when she felt disconnected. So after that I tried to contribute more to the housework and not push so much for her to put things away. A side note....she would get mad at me because she felt the house wasn't picked up enough and that was why she couldn't find her car keys, purse, etc. I said if they were put away she could find them and she disagreed.


SERIOUSLY? That's seriously fvcked up. She's got some emotional issues to deal with. That's incredibly childish behavior.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I mean, she would CHEAT over HOUSEWORK?


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

I'm not sure it was so much over the housework as it was that I didn't apologize for raising my voice to her over housework. And I'm not someone who yells at people, but to her anything volume over a normal conversation is yelling. It came across to me that it was my fault she felt disconnected.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Even so, her behavior was still childish.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*By the very same token, it should be equally OK to ask a potential spouse if they have ever cheated on a previous marital partner at any stage of their married relationship!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Oh I definitely agree! She has an amazing way shifting the blame too, if I ask her about something she did or didn't do she'll turn it around and put it on me. Not always but it's really frustrating when it happens. We had went to marriage counseling 3-4 ago and after our last session as we're walking through the parking lot she asked if i felt treated. I didnt realize marriage counseling was to only fix one person!!?? And don't get me wrong, I'm no saint by any stretch! I try to do what she wants, if I do the dishes she'll comment that they didn't all get done, if I do them all she'll notice the floor isn't swept....etc.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *By the very same token, is it ever OK to ask a potential spouse if they have ever cheated on a marital partner at any stage of their relationship?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why wouldn't it be? If you have an honest relationship, and you're considering making that type of commitment, both people have the right to make a fully-informed decision.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Meant to say 3-4 years ago. Yes I would definitely ask a future spouse that question!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Meant to say 3-4 years ago. Yes I would definitely ask a future spouse that question!


*I would think that anyone who has ever been maritally betrayed, who was in their right mind, would absolutely pose that most important question!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Ray83 said:


> Thank you all for your replies and advice. Here's my situation... Before we were married my wife to be told me the number of people she slept with. All but two were relationships with the two being one night stands. I found out from her after we were married that in her past relationships when she wanted to be done she would start acting *****y as she put it so they would break up with her that way she wouldn't be the one ending it. She also told me that so far her relationship with me is the only one in which she hasn't cheated. That lead me to asking her a little bit more about her past relationships more so to give me things to watch for. I don't hound her about her past, the conversation will come up occasionally and I'll ask her things about it pertaining to what we're talking about.


Wow, you're the only relationship where she hasn't cheated? So far, anyway . . . maybe.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Yep! So she says


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

Sorry all, I kind of got off the subject from my original question, thank you all for your insight!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Ray83 said:


> Sorry all, I kind of got off the subject from my original question, thank you all for your insight!


Ray, it's interesting that she was waiting for you to apologize without looking inward at her own reaponsibilities. Stonewalling is a form of emotional abuse and actually promotes the very detachment she said she disliked. It's quite passive-aggressive.


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## Ray83 (Sep 28, 2015)

I agree, and it made me wonder if that's how she acts when she "acts *****y" in order to get out of a relationship. I confronted her about it and she said no she was not doing that. I guess that was why I, on occasion, ask about her past relationships to try to understand better. She's also admitted to being a control freak and she doesn't understand why manipulating people is always a bad thing. There's never a dull moment.....


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