# He's saying he CAN'T REMEMBER what year he had a PA???



## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

REALLY??? can someone really forget when they had a PA on their partner? It was a one night stand, after we had a disagreement and he ran off to his best friends house, went out one night (on his own) and did the dirty with some **** who he can't remember her name, and most importantly; Cant remember what month or year it took place... 
He claims that he tried so hard to forget what he did. Now miraculously can't recall important things to know!
Please give me your honest opinion; 1. Is it possible to forget the year you betrayed your spouse? 2. Does this mean he cared so little of me or had little guilt that he didn't think about that memory enough to trigger what year or month it happened? -and if so, what does that say about a person?

I learned about his PA, that he had sometime between 2006-2007, while he was having an EA with a different person, while I was pregnant with our twins in 2011. I found out about his PA going through his phone, it was through their msg's he asked her if she had ever cheated on her partner (she was engaged at the time, now she has married her fiancé who she cheated on) anyway, he had an overwhelming erge to confess his ONS to her, but didn't feel like he 'needed' to inform me, thou now it seems pointless as he conveniently 'forgets' the details...? This is BS, right? Why won't he tell me?????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

Yeah, I can actually believe this.....my WH was a cannabis smoker for all the years we have been together, except for the last 2 years. Always held down a good job, so i figured it wasn't doing any harm.

I now know he has had at least 3 ONS and the first one he told me happened when he was abroad at a conference, then a few days later, he changed his story and said, he was confused...it had happened before he went abroad at a different works event!

I ask him how can he not know which country he was in the first time he breaks his vows and he says well I didn't think it happened in such a place but couldn't work out where it did happen. What hope is there for me?

My H didn't even know what country he was in and he got the year wrong too.

Thank God he doesn't smoke that Sh*t anymore! He blames his confusion and lack of consequence on smoking cannabis.... not sure about that. However he is like a different person since he stopped smoking it.

Only other explanation, and this is most likely, is there have been so many ONS or indiscretions that they can't keep track of who and where and what month and what country!

Does your H drink heavily or do drugs?


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

I know if i had an affair, i would kno exactly the month and year it happened. Hes rug sweeping and just trying to drop it. If u kno the exact month and year, then u will really start to piece things together


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> Yeah, I can actually believe this.....my WH was a cannabis smoker for all the years we have been together, except for the last 2 years. Always held down a good job, so i figured it wasn't doing any harm.
> 
> I now know he has had at least 3 ONS and the first one he told me happened when he was abroad at a conference, then a few days later, he changed his story and said, he was confused...it had happened before he went abroad at a different works event!
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply & sorry to hear what you went through :-(
To answer your question; he was drinking very heavily back then (2004-2006), he has always been against drugs -stupid as 'alcohol' is a drug, and maybe on two occasions he had a cone, but this just puts him to sleep so I doubt he had canabis the night of his ONS...? I do believe he was very very very drunk, he admitted that he was, but I still can't understand how he can forget what was happening with our life, before and after the betrayal? Surely he would have been feeling massive amounts af guilt during significant times in our life that could pin point as least a year?

I just don't know if I will ever be able to understand him not remembering... IMO, it makes me think that yer, maybe there were other ONS that he hasn't owned up to?

I was happy to hear that your H doesn't smoke anymore. My H has cut down on his alcohol intake quite dramatically, has been ever since I found out about his EA from Jan or March 2011 it started to Aug 2011 (see he can't even be sure when their EA started either...) and I just found out about a week ago that their A started before we had a huge fight (about him drink driving) this new info has rattled me as well cause I always thought that they got together because he and I had a fight, but it started before that and I know we were going well together then!

Still to this day I am so hurt by his betrayal. When we have huge D&M's about what happened, he PROMISES me that there is nothing else -until he slips up and/or gets caught out!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

betrayed2013 said:


> I know if i had an affair, i would kno exactly the month and year it happened. Hes rug sweeping and just trying to drop it. If u kno the exact month and year, then u will really start to piece things together


TOTALLY AGREE!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask me which year I had my EA near PA and I could not tell you. I know roughly but not exactly. I also do not recall the exact year when my wife had her affair. 15/16 years ago, but I have blocked the exact dates out.

So I can well believe someone could do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Thanks for your reply & sorry to hear what you went through :-(
> To answer your question; he was drinking very heavily back then (2004-2006), he has always been against drugs -stupid as 'alcohol' is a drug, and maybe on two occasions he had a cone, but this just puts him to sleep so I doubt he had canabis the night of his ONS...? I do believe he was very very very drunk, he admitted that he was, but I still can't understand how he can forget what was happening with our life, before and after the betrayal? Surely he would have been feeling massive amounts af guilt during significant times in our life that could pin point as least a year?
> 
> I just don't know if I will ever be able to understand him not remembering... IMO, it makes me think that yer, maybe there were other ONS that he hasn't owned up to?
> ...


I know this is really hard to hear, and I've been going through similar to you for 2 years in total, from first suspicions to now....and believe me, me and my H have talked it to death! I need to know the ins and outs of a cats ar$e!

I have thought same as you, 'but we were ok then" or 'but that was the year such and such' and 'that photo was taken that year!" like he has even given it a seconds thought. I really don't think my H had any guilt or remorse, or he would/could never have done it again.

But it doesn't make any difference to a cheater....they don't cheat because they are unhappy with us, they cheat because they can! Majority of cheaters don't feel guilt, they separate spouse and kids from these indiscretions. They had opportunities, were in the wrong place at the wrong time....what ever their reason, i would say 99% of it is not a reflection on us or our marriage.

The only thing we can hope for, is if we have a cheater who has been caught, and who has seen the pain and damage unfold from their selfish behavior that they wake up quick sharp, and know they never want to put us through this pain ever again. 

My H falls into this category, I hope, the only issue we have now is that I struggle to believe he has told me everything, he lied to me for a full year, only admitting about the incident i found out about because he had no choice. If it wasn't for this one issue of 'any more skeletons' I truly believe we would be happier now than we've ever been.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LanieB said:


> If these affairs occurred many years ago, like MattMatt's, that's about the only reason I can think of that someone might not remember exactly. Otherwise, I agree with Betrayed2013. More than likely there's a reason your husband doesn't want you to have all the details.


It's not that it occurred many years ago. I am too ashamed to remember, I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

My father died. That is a big event. I can't recall what exact year it happened, and it happened around 5 or 6 years ago.

So a ONS? Yeah, I buy it.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LanieB said:


> If these affairs occurred many years ago, like MattMatt's, that's about the only reason I can think of that someone might not remember exactly. Otherwise, I agree with Betrayed2013. More than likely there's a reason your husband doesn't want you to have all the details.


His PA/ONS was either 2006 or 2007, he can't remember what year or month for his PA.
His EA started either sometime in Jan to March 2011 and lasted to Aug 2011, - he can't remember what month it started in for his EA!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

betrayed2013 said:


> I know if i had an affair, i would kno exactly the month and year it happened. Hes rug sweeping and just trying to drop it. If u kno the exact month and year, then u will really start to piece things together


Actually, you might not.


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

By not remembering though, it almost makes it such a menial thing, like forgetting to pick up the dry cleaning.......


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Honestly I remember very little about any ONS I've ever had.

it has been a long time since I've had one though.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Not remembering the details suggests to a sexual encounter which wasn't overly satisfactory on his part.

Otherwise, he would have remembered to milliseconds about the events unfolded that day.. I would.

So this is not an "i don't remember", it's more of an "i may very well remember but can't be bothered."


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Thanks for your reply & sorry to hear what you went through :-(
> To answer your question; he was drinking very heavily back then (2004-2006), he has always been against drugs -stupid as 'alcohol' is a drug, and maybe on two occasions he had a cone, but this just puts him to sleep so I doubt he had canabis the night of his ONS...? I do believe he was very very very drunk, he admitted that he was, but I still can't understand how he can forget what was happening with our life, before and after the betrayal? Surely he would have been feeling massive amounts af guilt during significant times in our life that could pin point as least a year?
> 
> I just don't know if I will ever be able to understand him not remembering... IMO, it makes me think that yer, maybe there were other ONS that he hasn't owned up to?
> ...


I understand why you're upset/angry. But why is it so important that he remembers or tells you the date?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If it's this long past and you still can't move beyond it, you need to do something. Did you go to marriage counseling afterward? Do you have his passwords for his phone/computer? Did he take a polygraph? Did he write the EA a no contact letter? Does he inform you when he deviates from his schedule?


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, you might not.


Trust me, I WOULD be able to piece things together as a lot of very important/meaningful events happened during 2005-2007...!

The more I think about it, I think he doesn't want to tell me as I would be even more devastated about what happened by WHEN it happened...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Honestly I remember very little about any ONS I've ever had.
> 
> it has been a long time since I've had one though.


BUT, did you have ONS on people who were very important to you? Or to partners that you didn't have that much attachment to and/or no kids to? 

I can understand not remembering when you cheated on someone if they weren't that special to you in the first place....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

still.hurting said:


> BUT, did you have ONS on people who were very important to you? Or to partners that you didn't have that much attachment to and/or no kids to?


No, my ONS's were all when I was single.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

still.hurting said:


> Trust me, I WOULD be able to piece things together as a lot of very important/meaningful events happened during 2005-2007...!
> 
> The more I think about it, I think he doesn't want to tell me as I would be even more devastated about what happened by WHEN it happened...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Or the truth of how MUCH happened.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Not remembering the details suggests to a sexual encounter which wasn't overly satisfactory on his part.
> 
> Otherwise, he would have remembered to milliseconds about the events unfolded that day.. I would.
> 
> So this is not an "i don't remember", it's more of an "i may very well remember but can't be bothered."


Hmmm... You've got me thinking....!

Plus, I hope he was so drunk that it ended quick and that he was embarrassed about his performance...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Sussieq said:


> I understand why you're upset/angry. But why is it so important that he remembers or tells you the date?


Because during 2006-2007 some very very important life events happened during this period, and it matters to me if the ONS happened before or after these events.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

verpin zal said:


> Not remembering the details suggests to a sexual encounter which wasn't overly satisfactory on his part.
> 
> Otherwise, he would have remembered to milliseconds about the events unfolded that day.. I would.
> 
> So this is not an "i don't remember", it's more of an "i may very well remember but can't be bothered."


Oh, I can remember just about everything about that day. Deciding not to buy condoms, the ridiculous amount of alcohol we consumed, feeling stoned, I can remember what we did and why I did not consummate the affair.

But the date, the year it happened? * I really do not recall at all.*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Trust me, I WOULD be able to piece things together as a lot of very important/meaningful events happened during 2005-2007...!
> 
> The more I think about it, I think he doesn't want to tell me as I would be even more devastated about what happened by WHEN it happened...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Which may be why he will not let himself remember.*

Hell. I can't recall -exactly- the year in which my wife's affair occurred!


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

turnera said:


> If it's this long past and you still can't move beyond it, you need to do something. Did you go to marriage counseling afterward? Do you have his passwords for his phone/computer? Did he take a polygraph? Did he write the EA a no contact letter? Does he inform you when he deviates from his schedule?


Yes to everything, but he didnt take a polygraph... 
I only found out about this ONS through the text msg/sexting to another girl who he had an EA with in 2011... Since then I've only got 'trickle truth' and have been finding out new info every few months, while we were already going through recovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

tacoma said:


> No, my ONS's were all when I was single.


See, that's where it's different... You haven't betrayed a partner who you have been with for many years and had kids with and you haven't betrayed a partner that had gone well out of their way to support you above and beyond. You didn't betray the one your suppose to love and the one who loves you more than anything...

See the difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> *Which may be why he will not let himself remember.*
> 
> Hell. I can't recall -exactly- the year in which my wife's affair occurred!


Why do you think you can't remember your wides affair? Did it happen after you had an affair on her, and if so, do you think you don't remember because it took some guilt off you and you were able to move on easier knowing you both had stuffed up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> See, that's where it's different... You haven't betrayed a partner who you have been with for many years and had kids with and you haven't betrayed a partner that had gone well out of their way to support you above and beyond. You didn't betray the one your suppose to love and the one who loves you more than anything...
> 
> See the difference?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, there might be a clue in what you said, there. Betrayal of a partner of many years might be why amnesia has set in. Guilt.

And for those people saying so confidentially: "Oh!* I'd *know the exact date if I cheated on my spouse!" 

*Let's hope you never find out, OK?* Because that's empirical data gathering of the kind I cannot recommend.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, there might be a clue in what you said, there. Betrayal of a partner of many years might be why amnesia has set in. Guilt.
> 
> And for those people saying so confidentially: "Oh!* I'd *know the exact date if I cheated on my spouse!"
> 
> *Let's hope you never find out, OK?* Because that's empirical data gathering of the kind I cannot recommend.


Yes, well said...!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> Why do you think you can't remember your wides affair? Did it happen after you had an affair on her, and if so, do you think you don't remember because it took some guilt off you and you were able to move on easier knowing you both had stuffed up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My wife had an affair and I slipped into having a revenge affair because I was self-medicating with way too much alcohol. The affair that was nearly consummated came about as a result of talking about which actors/actresses I and my AP found attractive in Star Trek Voyager. Jeez. How geeky that sounds...

And moving on easier? Oh, God. If only that were so. I ended up on Seroxat for a while as a result of my stupid RA.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife had an affair and I slipped into having a revenge affair because I was self-medicating with way too much alcohol. The affair that was nearly consummated came about as a result of talking about which actors/actresses I and my AP found attractive in Star Trek Voyager. Jeez. How geeky that sounds...
> 
> And moving on easier? Oh, God. If only that were so. I ended up on Seroxat for a while as a result of my stupid RA.


MattMatt; I'm really glad you shared this with me. I often wonder if I were to have a revenge affair, would this make it easier to get over what he did to me? And would he then be able to understand what pain he caused me and our family, as I could never inflict the same amount of pain on him/go to the lengths and depths of the affairs he did to me... But, I do think I might be able to have an affair without emotion involved, ie; a ONS or meaningless sextings... God, I'm horrified that I wrote that, now I'm questioning my own moral level...? TBH, I just don't think I have it in me, and I suppose that's why it hurts so much, still!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Yes to everything, but he didnt take a polygraph...
> I only found out about this ONS through the text msg/sexting to another girl who he had an EA with in 2011... Since then I've only got 'trickle truth' and have been finding out new info every few months, while we were already going through recovery.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, that changes things dramatically to me.

You basically found out two terrible things at once. It makes sense why this is still bothering you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

still.hurting said:


> His PA/ONS was either 2006 or 2007, he can't remember what year or month for his PA.
> His EA started either sometime in Jan to March 2011 and lasted to Aug 2011, - he can't remember what month it started in for his EA!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had two EAs. All I know for certain about that time is that it was sometime in the last 4 years. The only reason I know this is because of you youngest son's age and it was about a year or so after he was born that I had the first one. Can't remember when exactly that it started. As for the second one...again, can't remember when it started, but do remember approximately when it ended... November or December 2011. So, yes, I can absolutely see how he could say he doesn't remember. If I sat and thought about it, I MIGHT be able to come up with an approximate timeline...but it wouldn't be exact. But I don't want to think about it, nor about my husband's EA. His is more difficult to put out of my mind though because I know when I discovered it... last year.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I had two EAs. All I know for certain about that time is that it was sometime in the last 4 years. The only reason I know this is because of you youngest son's age and it was about a year or so after he was born that I had the first one. Can't remember when exactly that it started. As for the second one...again, can't remember when it started, but do remember approximately when it ended... November or December 2011. So, yes, I can absolutely see how he could say he doesn't remember. If I sat and thought about it, I MIGHT be able to come up with an approximate timeline...but it wouldn't be exact. But I don't want to think about it, nor about my husband's EA. His is more difficult to put out of my mind though because I know when I discovered it... last year.


So would you agree that it's easy to remember or 'harder to put out of your mind' when the hurt and betrayal is happening to you, and it plays on your mind cause you don't know what happened, well, never quite fully know? 

I can imagine it would be easy to forget something terrible that yourself has done, cause "you" know what you did and "you" know what you need to forget in order to move on. But, yes it is SO much harder when you have been betrayed by someone you love, or thought you loved, because it's the unknown that haunts you and even if they were to tell you the whole truth, would you believe them after they have deceived you so bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Hmmm... You've got me thinking....!
> 
> Plus, I hope he was so drunk that it ended quick and that he was embarrassed about his performance...!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, my H was too drunk to perform.....and he even said he was embarrassed  she is one hound dog!

.......didn't stop him from collapsing and sleeping in the bed with the dog!

3 times he's cheated on me, 2 times too drunk and one time he came to his senses!

Also.....on the subject on RA, I have considered it too....almost embarking on an EA, that may have turned PA, but even as low a I felt about myself over these past months, I simply could not do that to another couple or to myself!

Until you have some closure, this isn't going away any time soon, you are so like me.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

LRgirl said:


> Yep, my H was too drunk to perform.....and he even said he was embarrassed  she is one hound dog!
> 
> .......didn't stop him from collapsing and sleeping in the bed with the dog!
> 
> ...


Yes I definitely need closer... But how do I get closure if he can't 'remember' info I need to know to be able to move on???
I'm so over feeling like this :-/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LRgirl (Apr 9, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Yes I definitely need closer... But how do I get closure if he can't 'remember' info I need to know to be able to move on???
> I'm so over feeling like this :-/
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Remind me......was it your H that sat the poly and failed it and still refused to talk? 

It's like being in limbo isn't it?

Right now I'm in a similar situation to you, except I do feel like my H is doing everything he can in R. He allows me to say what ever I need, he is being very patient, most of the time, and practically he is like a new man.

My only issue is 'do I have the full truth?' which is bad enough to deal with, but easier for me personally to deal with 3 unsuccessful ONS that went no where. But the gut feeling that I'm not quite sure I trust right now is there could be something more serious in his past....maybe a PA or EA that he knows would be too much for me to ever get over.

I believe, now that I have seen this huge change in him, that I could probably continue to R if he confessed more..but only because he has changed so much and stopped smoking cannabis etc...

I don't think they trust us enough to fully confess......we know some stuff and maybe we know it all....but I figure we don't, and right now i feel like it would take a very strong, unselfish person to admit to more with the thought it could possibly be too much for us.

Not quite sure where all this will end, but it feels like something is eating at me from inside out.......


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

Do I believe that your husband cannot remember the dates of his PA.

Yes I believe it is possible. 
I have to count back to work out what years my kids were born in and I was there and sober for all the births. 

So a bloke with a history of unacceptable behavior when drunk could be forgiven for not knowing the date. Whether you choose to forgive him for the act is a much bigger and more important question.


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