# Im confused what her intentions are



## 357149 (4 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years. When we first married we moved into my parents house cause we couldn't afford to live by ourselves. I sponsored her from overseas. There was so many problems and tensions between my wife and my mother. They didn't get along. My mum is the controlling type and I have witnessed her bullying my wife or disrespecting her and being the mommy's boy j am I didnt stand up for my wife on numerous occasions. We eventually moved out after 3 years and lived in our own house. One day my mum got a job for my wife at her work place. The usual they didn't get along and I was always stuck in the middle. My mum told her work collegues about our marriage and how my wife isnt capable of life outside me. I shut my wife down everytime she mentioned this topic. We always have a family routine of me seeing my family on fridays and both of us on Saturdays and on Sundays I will go to my parents house alone. I didn't give her the time and attention she deserves. I guess I am immature and childish. Fast forward she met a guy at her work and she found emotional connection. A month later I found out and I got super angry and dont tell her to get out of the house. She begged and cried saying it won't happen again and that they haven't been intimate its just a guy she was talking to. I left that night out of anger and next morning she was gone. She has gone to live with that guy. I've begged and pleaded for her to come back but she's sitting on the fence. She says she doesn't like him or anything just a place to stay cause she has nowhere else to go. Note- she doesnt have any friends or family in this country. We communicate and see eachother on a weekly basis but some days I lose my head and I demand for divorce or say some very abusive things to her and that causes her to push back and say she will just stay there and not come back. Its been happening for 5 weeks. Last fight we had on Monday cause she said shes still in-between and I just got angry and kept yelling at her. My emotions are up and down. Shes blocked me on all communications now and told her mum she will leave me hanging for atleast 5 days. But she checks up on me through her mum seeing how I am doing. 

I've been selfish and I am finally trying to improve myself but I dont know if she will come back or is it the end? Why is she reluctant to come back? I am unsure. Does she like that guy or just waiting for me to change? She hasn't asked for divorce. Can our marriage still be saved? 

I've started going to the gym and really working on myself. To learn to control my emotions and be a better husband. I've told her I will start putting her first and that nobody else matters. I've also told her if she doesnt want to see my family ever again. I understand.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Your story is very typical. When you don't stand up for your wife it lowers her opinion of you as a man it's a sign of real weakness and that is unattractive. You are a momma's boy and most women find that unattractive as well. Your wife always comes before your mother. If my mother disrespected my wife the situation wouldn't be my mother not seeing my wife again it would be my mother would not be seeing me again. This is how I was raised. When I was probably 8 or 9 my Grandmother and Aunts were very disrespectful to my mother over some family photos (stupid stuff). They had her on a party call bashing her. My mother started crying, my father took the phone and simply said you can all go **** yourselves and hung up. The result we (my father included) didn't see any of them for 20 years. 

Your efforts are likely too little too late, she is in a sexual relationship with this other guy. She is likely done with you. Keep working on yourself and become a man a woman can rely on. You have learned the hard way, make sure you really learn this lesson.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Dude, she’s ****ing another man now. Do you really want her back after that?

It’s good that you’re working on yourself and going to the gym. Keep getting better. 
Chalk this one up as a loss and learn from it.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You did not support your wife time and time again. Your wife lost respect for you. There is little you can do at this point as you have showed her repeatedly that you do not have her back.


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## 357149 (4 mo ago)

I understand what you guys are saying. That shes with another man now. I emotionally neglected her in every possible way and did not fend for this marriage. But she still says she want us to work out but she's on the fence whether to come back or not. Whether I will still choose my mother over her and will I still neglect her emotional needs.
Thats why I feel like I should not give up and fight for this marriage or am being delusional


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

missherloveher2022 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 5 years. When we first married we moved into my parents house cause we couldn't afford to live by ourselves. I sponsored her from overseas. There was so many problems and tensions between my wife and my mother. They didn't get along. My mum is the controlling type and I have witnessed her bullying my wife or disrespecting her and being the mommy's boy j am I didnt stand up for my wife on numerous occasions. We eventually moved out after 3 years and lived in our own house. One day my mum got a job for my wife at her work place. The usual they didn't get along and I was always stuck in the middle. My mum told her work collegues about our marriage and how my wife isnt capable of life outside me. I shut my wife down everytime she mentioned this topic. We always have a family routine of me seeing my family on fridays and both of us on Saturdays and on Sundays I will go to my parents house alone. I didn't give her the time and attention she deserves. I guess I am immature and childish. Fast forward she met a guy at her work and she found emotional connection. A month later I found out and I got super angry and dont tell her to get out of the house. She begged and cried saying it won't happen again and that they haven't been intimate its just a guy she was talking to. I left that night out of anger and next morning she was gone. She has gone to live with that guy. I've begged and pleaded for her to come back but she's sitting on the fence. She says she doesn't like him or anything just a place to stay cause she has nowhere else to go. Note- she doesnt have any friends or family in this country. We communicate and see eachother on a weekly basis but some days I lose my head and I demand for divorce or say some very abusive things to her and that causes her to push back and say she will just stay there and not come back. Its been happening for 5 weeks. Last fight we had on Monday cause she said shes still in-between and I just got angry and kept yelling at her. My emotions are up and down. Shes blocked me on all communications now and told her mum she will leave me hanging for atleast 5 days. But she checks up on me through her mum seeing how I am doing.
> 
> I've been selfish and I am finally trying to improve myself but I dont know if she will come back or is it the end? Why is she reluctant to come back? I am unsure. Does she like that guy or just waiting for me to change? She hasn't asked for divorce. Can our marriage still be saved?
> 
> I've started going to the gym and really working on myself. To learn to control my emotions and be a better husband. I've told her I will start putting her first and that nobody else matters. I've also told her if she doesnt want to see my family ever again. I understand.


If she's wanting out, she will get out regardless of any involvement with this guy or any other. It sounds like a bad place for her, to be honest. You are right, you are childish and not your own man, at least not yet. Too late to impress her with the new you, I think. Your mom doesn't need to be in her picture after she's betrayed her so much. If your wife can get out and make it on her own, she probably soon. After all, you said you "sponsored" her. So doesn't sound like any love there on either side. Or if there ever was, you straighten me out.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

AVR1962 said:


> You did not support your wife time and time again. Your wife lost respect for you. There is little you can do at this point as you have showed her repeatedly that you do not have her back.


.... and her response was to have an emotional affair and to move in with a guy for free housing. 

Bad choices all around. 

This marriage sounds like it should be done.


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## 357149 (4 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If she's wanting out, she will get out regardless of any involvement with this guy or any other. It sounds like a bad place for her, to be honest. You are right, you are childish and not your own man, at least not yet. Too late to impress her with the new you, I think. Your mom doesn't need to be in her picture after she's betrayed her so much. If your wife can get out and make it on her own, she probably soon. After all, you said you "sponsored" her. So doesn't sound like any love there on either side. Or if there ever was, you straighten me out.


Thats what she told her mother that she's there for a place to stay for now and that she will try live by herself soon. She speaks little English and have no one else around her. Sorry about the wording. We have a deep connection and great love. Still till now I know that she loves me but she doesnt want to be involved in my life cause of my mother. I've told her she doesnt need to be. I'm hoping to change everything and really put her first.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Livvie said:


> .... and her response was to have an emotional affair and to move in with a guy for free housing.
> 
> Bad choices all around.
> 
> This marriage sounds like it should be done.


Yes, and it’s not an emotional affair.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Regardless of your shortcomings as a husband, your wife started an affair and moved out and in with her AP. File for divorce and start over. She’s not on the fence. She’s literally living with another man.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

missherloveher2022 said:


> Thats what she told her mother that she's there for a place to stay for now and that she will try live by herself soon. She speaks little English and have no one else around her. Sorry about the wording. We have a deep connection and great love. Still till now I know that she loves me but she doesnt want to be involved in my life cause of my mother. I've told her she doesnt need to be. I'm hoping to change everything and really put her first.


You don’t have a deep connection and great love. I’m sorry but that’s all in your head. People with deep connections and great love don’t start talking to other men and moving in with them. For you to think this an emotional affair is just denial talking. Me don’t have women love with them to share sofas with.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

missherloveher2022 said:


> My mum is the controlling type and I have witnessed her bullying my wife or disrespecting her and being the mommy's boy j am I didnt stand up for my wife on numerous occasions.


So you know what you have to change.



> I shut my wife down everytime she mentioned this topic. .... I didn't give her the time and attention she deserves. I guess I am immature and childish.
> ,,,,, but some days I lose my head and I demand for divorce or say some very abusive things to her
> ....I just got angry and kept yelling at her.


So you know what you have to change. All of that.

And the thing is, you have to change all that, *not to get her back*, but because whether she comes back or not, you need to be better. It will serve you either in this relationship or the next one. You need to divorce your mother, and stop being "abusive" (your word). Where did you learn this way of reacting?



> I dont know if she will come back or is it the end?


Unlikely, but maybe. Not if you keep yelling.



> *Why is she reluctant to come back?* I am unsure.


*Are you serious??* For all the reasons you listed above!! Your "immature childish behavior"!! (Your words).
Are you seriously asking why she's reluctant to come back?



> I've started .... really working on myself. To learn to control my emotions and be a better husband.


So, how are you doing that working on yourself?


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## 357149 (4 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> So you know what you have to change.
> 
> So you know what you have to change. All of that.
> 
> ...


Yes I've been very immature and childish. My mother has controlled every aspect of my life and its totally ruined my life. I've started finally standing up for myself and making my own choices. I feel so embarrassed how I couldn't even think for myself and have everyone make my decisions for the last 32 years. I also need to learn to take control of my own emotions like you said stop yelling getting angry and being abusive everytime she opens up to me. Whenever we we are moving forward I go crazy and ruin the chance. 

I've been writing down things I need to work on. Learning how to be patient, learning how to control my emotions, learning how wife should come before anybody else.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

missherloveher2022 said:


> I feel like I should not give up and fight for this marriage or am being delusional


You're being delusional.
She's not on the fence. She already decided but is likely figuring out how to keep you on a leash in case it doesn't work out with her lover.

Don't wait around for that. Get some self-respect and give her what she wants.

And then fix all that crap about how you treated her. You're right that was not cool. But her actions now are a different thing. Deal with it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I can't see any fixings for you. Getting out of mother's skirt will take time and resolution for you individually. What I find perturbing is that apparently, you also lack self respect and dignity, because the moment that your wife went to live with the other dude, regardless of the problems beforehand, that was the moment that you should had cut her out of your life. No self respecting man that has dignity will be begging to a women to return while she's having sex with another man. don't just get any ideas that they are not having sex. Don't be that much of a fool. They are having sex, consequently you should just serve her with divorce papers, or accept that you want to be a cuckold. As long as you can have her. That's pathetic.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

missherloveher2022 said:


> I understand what you guys are saying. That shes with another man now. I emotionally neglected her in every possible way and did not fend for this marriage. But she still says she want us to work out but she's on the fence whether to come back or not. Whether I will still choose my mother over her and will I still neglect her emotional needs.
> Thats why I feel like I should not give up and fight for this marriage or am being delusional


NEVER beg a woman to stay with you. And know she's only sitting on that fence while she decides whether or not to go all in with the other guy. You're the fallback guy, Plan B. And because you begged and pleaded in the past, she knows she can keep you in limbo as long as she wants. Definitely not a good situation for you. 

My non-expert advice....start to move on...or at least give her the impression you are done and moving on without her. Keep working out, buy some new clothes, etc. If you want her back (not sure why since she cheated), then your only option is to make her think she's losing you.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

"She says she doesn't like the guy and just needs a place to stay".

Why did you include that meaningless bit of drivel in your post?

Do you actually believe it? If so you need to address your naivity and gullibility before you even think about taking action to get this woman out of your life forever, in the fastest, cheapest way possible.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Since she doesn't speak the language and is being sponsored here by them, it is entirely possible that she is just there to escape her situation and truly does just need a place to stay and she very well may wish there wasn't going to be sex involved but that might be the price she has to pay. She is in a difficult situation so she's trying to get out and good for her for that. Whatever it takes.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like you’re both trapped in this toxic place and really should just set each other free. Regardless of the outcome with your wife, you really need to create some distance between you and your mom. She’ll control the rest of your life if you let her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You lived with your parents until 3 years ago, and still are going there Friday, Saturday, AND Sunday EVERY weekend. You got yourself a beautiful foreign lady and still won’t build a life with her. It’s good to hang out with family, but it’s likely that few women will find your lifestyle attractive. 
My advice is to NOT chase your wife, and if she communicates with you regarding continuing the relationship (which I doubt will happen), you ask her what she specifically need in order for her to be happy.

It is possible she was so miserable living with you that she purposefully started a relationship with another man just to get away from you, and really may be truthful about not liking him.

Regardless of whether she returns or not, I would say you need to work on getting a life other than weekends with your parents.

I don’t really agree with your blame on your mom. YOU are the weak link here. Fix you and other things in your life will start naturally falling into place.


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