# Anorgasmia



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Looking for some advise. The communication with DW has been improving a lot. Today during sex we were feeling comfortable with each other and taking our time. She was very turned on (mentally) but nothing we could do felt good for her. We tried soft touch...hard touch...teasing...direct stimulation...it just all felt very "numb" to her. We had a lot of sexual and non sexual foreplay all day. I had her to the point of almost begging for sex but we held off. 

We talked a bit during sex and she is very embarrassed about the dificulty she has. She feels like a defect. She is only able to orgasm during ovulation (about a 24hr window). 

I will do some more research on this but wanted to eat some opinions from anyone on TAM with experience. 

We have not talked with each other on how to address it (she feels ashamed). If she gets very turned on when she is not ovulating she will end up very frustrated if there is too much sexual stimulation without release. This leaves us with no foreplay and what ends up as quickies on the non ovulation days. 

I know there are psychological/sex therapy as well as hormone treatments. I feel that the psychology treatments may not be what we need. Our relationship is pretty healthy and we know how sexual arousal in women work. As far as hormones, I think she is allergic to progesterone as she had some reactions to BC (never ended up using any long term). Testosterone seems interesting though...it is pretty dificult to encourage these types of treatments with her tough. 

I have traded a few emails with a sex therapist. She said that my wife would need to go alone to make any progress...this is going to be very dificult...ugh...

How do I help my wife get over her embarrassment and see that seeing a sex therapist is good for our marriage?

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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Lots of women have trouble cumming during sex. And often they simply need stronger stimulation. 

But the symptom of "numbness" can point to a lower than optimal level of desire. It is the same with men with Inhibited Ejaculation for whom penis numbness during sex is a common symptom. This numbness is a psychological symptom not a physical one. 

It could also be something physical. There is one way to find out.

Buy her a her a heavy duty vibrator that plugs into the wall like the Hitachi Magic Wand and use it during intercourse. If that doesn't work then her problem is psychological not physical. And if it is psychological then look to the reason for the lower level of desire that prevents her from reaching her orgasmic threshold.

Could be anxiety....especially intimacy anxiety which is often the result of various kinds of childhood abuse, various kinds of personality disorders, or a type of generalized anxiety. 

I'd bypass the Sex Therapists and go straight to a psychiatrist or psychologist if you suspect the problem is psychological.

Sex Therapists tend to just treat symptoms and if this is being caused by anxiety or anything else in her past they probably won't be much good to you.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

We have tried several different types of vibrators during intercourse and nothing worked. We tried them during oral sex and that only worked once (of many, many attempts). She even struggles having an orgasm with the rabbit by herself. She has probably had less than 20 in her life...only one with me (all right around ovulation). 

She has mild to moderate OCD and has had some sort of abuse event as a child (I don't know the details). It could very well be anxiety related. 

Problem is how do I encourage her to seek help? She is very embarrassed. She sees it as her problem and that it does not impact me as long as it does not impact our frequency. She says she still enjoys it and it is not a problem for her. Problem is that I see it frustrates her sometimes and she stops herself from getting too aroused so as to prevent sexual frustration. 
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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

OCD is very often an anxiety based problem. That may be your answer right there.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Indeed it might be related. The OCD creates other issues in our marriage, though it is much better now. 

Problem there is the same, she does not feel the need to seek treatment. She did a while back when it was bad. She was prescribed Luvox which basically turned her into a zombie and killed what ever sex drive she did have. 

Is there no hope? Do I just accept things the way they are? Things are "good enough" but still does not feel "right" if that makes any sense. I know I am a bit of a perfectionist and constantly trying to improve things that are important in my life. 

I am sure I could get her to go to counseling if I threaten divorce. That is about the only thing that changes her behavior. I hate doing that and I have done it so many times now that she feels insecure in our relationship. 
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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi hubby ~

It sounds like a tough situation for her (well, for both of you ) - with the anxiety, OCD, and potential abuse in her background. That could definitely be one of the problems she has with orgasming...maybe evidenced by how she gets really perturbed and how long it can take even when using a vibe ...kind of an escalating wave of anxiety there.

So, the most effective thing would be if she would go to counseling for herself. But, it's most effective if she makes the decision on her own.

I don't think threatening divorce to get her to go is the way that I would go about it. Instead, if I were you, I (meaning you ) would seek individual counseling on your own. You could look for someone who specializes in anxiety/abuse. They could help YOU work through the issues, work through effective ways of setting boundaries, learn how to respond to your wife and her issues in a way that help her to either recover or to see that she does need help.

The other thing would be to defocus the spotlight that's on orgasm for now. Let it go for a period of time, focus on the marriage in general, focus on yourself and learning how to cope/help your wife. Maybe if there's less emphasis on it, she will have less anxiety about it, and it may start to flow more naturally.

ETA: There was another lady here recently who had problems with anorgasmia. I responded in that thread and gave a book recommendation you may be interested in as well. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/49385-anorgasmic-healthy-sex-life.html

Just some thoughts.

Best wishes.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the suggestions Enchantment. 

I am going to offer up couples counseling one more time in a very loving way. Maybe she will be open to a short phone call/intro to the counselor.
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