# Effing Doctors



## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

I've been married 34 years and we both expected the rest of lives together. We've had our arguments, like any other couple but issues like infidelity or abuse were never an issue. I noticed a change in my wife after her father died four years ago and have expressed the same. 
I noticed more and more "shade". Someone who through the years acted like she adored me all of a sudden started acting argumentative over everything. I thought it was just another rut. We got a puppy at her behest. We lost our dog a couple years ago and it devastated us both. I then tested for Covid. I was battling that and she was still aloof. Not really taking it serious. 

I ended up going to the hospital where they diagnosed with corvid and Pneumonia, gave me Regenron and released me. I felt better for a day or two but then it started getting worse. I told her I was having trouble breathing but she couldn't care less. She dropped the puppy off and went to see her Mother. When she got back, we argued and it was heated. Things were said by both that were bad. The next day she left divorce/separation papers on the table and went to her mothers for the weekend. Leaving me alone with Covid/Pneumonia and no one around. I was literally alone. Family and friends were 60 miles away. 

When she returned, I was in bad shape. My pulse/ox was 37. Under 90 they tell you to go to the hospital. She took me to the hospital and they admitted me and sent me home with oxygen the next day. We talked and tried to reconcile but she was unrepentant. She felt she did nothing wrong with what she did. I had a hard time reconciling that and expressed it. She didn't care. Bringing up a time I didn't go to an MRI with her. As if that is comparable. 

I was trying to put my finger on what happened. Why the change. We are the middle of it all now but I realize it wasn't her Father dying. She started seeing a therapist after her Father died and was prescribed anit-depressants. I looked up what they do to marriages and am ASTOUNDED. She fits every single symptom. I know some people might think another man but its not the case. I could assure that aspect. 

Luckily, our son is grown and no young children are involved but I thought I would post this just in case this could help one person. I'm devastated that someone I once loved is gone and now in its place is a cold, calculating stranger.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I took Wellbutrin for 7 days. I went back to the doctor and said no more. It made me insane. Mean, angry and hateful, bursting into tears for no reason. There are so many options for anti-depressants out there, there is no reason to take something that turns you into a 25/7 rage monster. 

I don’t know the whole situation with you or what led up to her behavior. I wasn’t there when her father died and I don’t know how you treated her throughout the years or if you supported her the way she used to support you. I certainly can’t say for sure that it’s her meds. But some people react badly to them, it’s always worth checking, especially if the change is sudden.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I took Wellbutrin for 7 days. I went back to the doctor and said no more. It made me insane. Mean, angry and hateful, bursting into tears for no reason. There are so many options for anti-depressants out there, there is no reason to take something that turns you into a 25/7 rage monster.
> 
> I don’t know the whole situation with you or what led up to her behavior. I wasn’t there when her father died and I don’t know how you treated her throughout the years or if you supported her the way she used to support you. I certainly can’t say for sure that it’s her meds. But some people react badly to them, it’s always worth checking, especially if the change is sudden.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Thanks for the reply-Its hard to encapsulate 34 years in a couple of paragraphs and I know it seems I don't want to take responsibility for my part in this. I do to a degree but I can't overcome mind altering drugs. I was just shocked what a google search turns up on these things. A Notre Dame study shows 75% percent of people shouldn't be prescribed them. 

It seems she is zombie. She can't give simple answers about what is going on and as to when this all ended for her. Her first answer was 23 years ago when I said I didn't want to be married. (I don't remember saying that but have certainly felt that way at times, like most people I know) . I then pointed out that I have tons of notes, cards, and items where she goes on about how much she loves me. In fact, ten years ago she got my name tattooed on her wrist. Nothing she is saying or doing makes sense. 

The few people I told about her leaving when I had Covid and trouble are livid. They want to KILL her. I only told a couple of people because I have yet to finds someone who thinks that is cool. There has never been any abuse, any money problems as I've hustled or infidelity. Our sex lives were constant, until she went on these things. 

I'm not looking to fix my marriage because its gone, I just wanted to point out the open door that is left open by these therapists and doctors. And let me point out her therapist knows she drinks and smokes copious amounts of weed and yet they STILL prescribe these things.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Well first of all your wife seems like a terrible person. But also as a man you should be able to take care of yourself. Don't rely on your wife to care for you like a mommy. That is needy and unattractive. 

It sounds like your wife checked out if the marriage years ago. Have you been having regular sex? That's a great barometer of a marriage.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mr Jim said:


> . A Notre Dame study shows 75% percent of people shouldn't be prescribed them.


The problem is people don't want to do the work. They just want a pill and doctors are eager to give them out so they can get a new recurring patient.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Well first of all your wife seems like a terrible person. But also as a man you should be able to take care of yourself. Don't rely on your wife to care for you like a mommy. That is needy and unattractive.
> 
> It sounds like your wife checked out if the marriage years ago. Have you been having regular sex? That's a great barometer of a marriage.





thunderchad said:


> Well first of all your wife seems like a terrible person. But also as a man you should be able to take care of yourself. Don't rely on your wife to care for you like a mommy. That is needy and unattractive.
> 
> It sounds like your wife checked out if the marriage years ago. Have you been having regular sex? That's a great barometer of a marriage.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

I'm not sure what you mean by needy. I had Covid and Pneumonia and trouble breathing. I was just days out of the hospital. We weren't having problems until that day when she discounted the illness and left me with a puppy to take care of and was unrepentant about that. Are you seriously, saying my response should have been " I'm sorry for being needy "? LOL 

Our sex life has always been like clockwork, until she got on these pills. Another side effect that people need to be made aware of


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Mr Jim said:


> We weren't having problems until that day when she discounted the illness and left me with a puppy to take care of and was unrepentant about that.


Women are often resentful when they have to take care of their man. Not saying its right but it obviously happened to you like many others.

Therapists are terrible for relationships too.

The pills didnt help but im still thinking she checked out of your marriage long before that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr Jim said:


> Our sex life has always been like clockwork, until she got on these pills. Another side effect that people need to be made aware of


I’ll be flamed to a crisp for this, but, certain anti-depressants that affect people badly also wreak havoc on their self esteem. So if she wasn’t crazy confident about her appearance before, those pills probably made her feel even uglier. It’s not just that they kill sex drive. They literally make you hate yourself. They’re very dangerous and that’s why behavior changes should send you back to your doctor ASAP. I’m sorry your wife didn’t do that. I know you’re upset with her and I feel bad for you too, but I also feel for her.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

thunderchad said:


> Women are often resentful when they have to take care of their man. Not saying its right but it obviously happened to you like many others.
> 
> Therapists are terrible for relationships too.
> 
> The pills didnt help but im still thinking she checked out of your marriage long before that.


Thats my point though ...Does a woman get someone's name tattooed on them when they check out? She's all over the place. One second feels this the next this. My point is the pills. She was NEVER like that. I bring receipts, I have texts , notes everything that contradicts what you are implying. 
A month before this she was talking about moving down south with me.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I’ll be flamed to a crisp for this, but, certain anti-depressants that affect people badly also wreak havoc on their self esteem. So if she wasn’t crazy confident about her appearance before, those pills probably made her feel even uglier. It’s not just that they kill sex drive. They literally make you hate yourself. They’re very dangerous and that’s why behavior changes should send you back to your doctor ASAP. I’m sorry your wife didn’t do that. I know you’re upset with her and I feel bad for you too, but I also feel for her.


I was unaware of that. That might be relevant since she has always been self conscious about her looks. 
I put 2 and 2 together about these pills after the ball got rolling. Like I said, I attributed it to her Father dying but it was therapy and a prescription. It validated what I knew in my gut. 
I'll feel sorry for her a year from now when she realizes what she did.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr Jim said:


> Thats my point though ...Does a woman get someone's name tattooed on them when they check out? She's all over the place. One second feels this the next this. My point is the pills. She was NEVER like that. I bring receipts, I have texts , notes everything that contradicts what you are implying.
> A month before this she was talking about moving down south with me.


From what you’ve said it sounds like it was the pills. But remember, I’m a stranger on the internet. I don’t know, I can’t diagnose anything.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> From what you’ve said it sounds like it was the pills. But remember, I’m a stranger on the internet. I don’t know, I can’t diagnose anything.


I understand. I was only posting to warn others. Of course there are other factors. But when I went through the side effects, I was astounded. From sleeping to libido she checks all boxes and they kept prescribing knowing she drinks and smokes weed on them. 
On one guy's story he is losing his children. Its insane how this goes on without public awareness. I've tried to keep my family secure from everything and little did I know the medical profession is a place that destroys families.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It may well be the drinking and weed reacting against the pills. It's also a well known fact that weed can cause severe mental illness on it's own.
They probably told her to stay off those things. She as an adult has chosen not to and probably tells the doctor she has stopped them.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Try to meet with her doctor by yourself and describe how she is acting. Ask that her meds be changed


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> Try to meet with her doctor by yourself and describe how she is acting. Ask that her meds be changed


Uh no. 

They won't do that.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mr Jim said:


> I understand. I was only posting to warn others. Of course there are other factors. But when I went through the side effects, I was astounded. From sleeping to libido she checks all boxes and they kept prescribing knowing she drinks and smokes weed on them.
> On one guy's story he is losing his children. Its insane how this goes on without public awareness. I've tried to keep my family secure from everything and little did I know the medical profession is a place that destroys families.


thank you for the warning.

You have learned some harsh lessons. If the future if you need help, dial 911 and have an ambulance take you to the hospital. 

You now also have an idea of what it might be like to be with someone who has Alzheimer's disease. The in sickness....until death do us part...... can be rugged.

Good luck. Yes, see if you can go to a doctor appointment with her.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Mr Jim said:


> I noticed more and more "shade". Someone who through the years acted like she adored me all of a sudden started acting argumentative over everything.


Join the club.
I can relate to the sudden Change.
Some antibiotics can cause a personality as well. 
Don’t have any advice for you. If I figure out a solution I’ll let ya know.




thunderchad said:


> Women are often resentful when they have to take care of their man. Not saying its right but it obviously happened to you like many others.


True.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Mr Jim said:


> On one guy's story he is losing his children. Its insane how this goes on without public awareness. I've tried to keep my family secure from everything and little did I know* the medical profession is a place that destroys families.*


Let me preface what I am about to post, by stating that I am a person that only goes to the Dr when it's a perceived emergency, and when they give me advice, or prescribe me meds, I don't immediately just take them, i carefully weigh the options and consider everything that is possible before putting anything in my body...I often ignore their advice and am not shy to tell them so...If they don't like it, tough shtt That being said...'

I think you have to be careful with your condemnation of the medical profession....No one put a gun to your wife's head to even go to the doctor, let alone take the meds....This is all her choice, and why she did it, is anyone's guess...

Women(like men) often have mid life crises...I think people discount and mock these periods as a phase that will pass, and that the person is just temporarily insane...In a lot of cases, its just not true,,People do take stock of their lives and often realize what once was great, isn't any more or maybe was never really all that good....Heck, it may even be a biologically programmed event to detach...Many scientists believe this to be a fact, when these types of things happen...

At the end of the day, what do you hope to accomplish by "warning" men or people about this.? Do you think that type of control would even be possible, for grown adults(to force them not to see therapists or take psych meds)? It's silly to even suggest it...

I sympathize with your situation, I just feel like you will forever not be able to move forward if you think that doctors ruined your life....You need to get past that, IMO....I wish you well..


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Try to meet with her doctor by yourself and describe how she is acting. Ask that her meds be changed


Uh, she isn't a child. If a doctor changes someone's meds because their spouse says so, that doctor needs to be reported. You can go WITH her, of course, and say "this is what I'm seeing" and talk about it together, but it is illegal for a husband to go get "happy pills" for his wife without her knowledge or consent. We did away with that when we did away with involuntary commitment to mental institutions.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

How much does she smoke and drink?

Is she an alcoholic?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Uh, she isn't a child. If a doctor changes someone's meds because their spouse says so, that doctor needs to be reported. You can go WITH her, of course, and say "this is what I'm seeing" and talk about it together, but it is illegal for a husband to go get "happy pills" for his wife without her knowledge or consent. We did away with that when we did away with involuntary commitment to mental institutions.


It’s not illegal in the US for anyone to tell a Dr or therapists concerns about one of their patients.

In the US, of course there are HIPPA laws protecting the patient’s privacy. But good Drs and providers are able to carefully listen and do privately with that information however they think best.

I’ve done it twice, re. two different people in my life. Behind their backs. And I’m damn glad I did. Both professionals listened to me. One case probably helped saved a life. Neither had a damn thing to do with involuntary commitment to a mental institution, and there is no reason to raise that specter here.

When someone is struggling, not getting care they apparently need, IME it can be fruitful to use what leverage one has to make connections with better care. As a way of life with someone, it’s not sustainable. As a time limited and targeted effort, one may get some traction that otherwise would not have happened. No guarantees. May or may not be worth the effort.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Uh, she isn't a child. If a doctor changes someone's meds because their spouse says so, that doctor needs to be reported. You can go WITH her, of course, and say "this is what I'm seeing" and talk about it together, but it is illegal for a husband to go get "happy pills" for his wife without her knowledge or consent. We did away with that when we did away with involuntary commitment to mental institutions.


I know the dr wouldn't change the meds on his say so, but he CAN tell the dr what he is seeing. The dr should be aware of what the meds are doing and his w for sure will not tell her dr.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr Jim said:


> I understand. I was only posting to warn others. Of course there are other factors. But when I went through the side effects, I was astounded. From sleeping to libido she checks all boxes and they kept prescribing knowing *she drinks and smokes weed* on them.
> On one guy's story he is losing his children. Its insane how this goes on without public awareness. I've tried to keep my family secure from everything and little did I know the medical profession is a place that destroys families.


If your wife is drinking and smoking weed while on antidepressants, you can't blame the antidepressants alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr Jim said:


> I've been married 34 years and we both expected the rest of lives together. We've had our arguments, like any other couple but issues like infidelity or abuse were never an issue. I noticed a change in my wife after her father died four years ago and have expressed the same.
> I noticed more and more "shade". Someone who through the years acted like she adored me all of a sudden started acting argumentative over everything. I thought it was just another rut. We got a puppy at her behest. We lost our dog a couple years ago and it devastated us both. I then tested for Covid. I was battling that and she was still aloof. Not really taking it serious.
> 
> I ended up going to the hospital where they diagnosed with corvid and Pneumonia, gave me Regenron and released me. I felt better for a day or two but then it started getting worse. I told her I was having trouble breathing but she couldn't care less. She dropped the puppy off and went to see her Mother. When she got back, we argued and it was heated. Things were said by both that were bad. The next day she left divorce/separation papers on the table and went to her mothers for the weekend. Leaving me alone with Covid/Pneumonia and no one around. I was literally alone. Family and friends were 60 miles away.
> ...


What was your pulse and what was your oxygen? It's 2 different numbers. Was your oxygen at 37?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Maybe it’s not the same thing, but our mother did something like this, she wanted to leave us all after her father died. She was not on anti-depressants. But looking back, she was cold and neglectful and always miserable and bitter. I can never recall her taking care of us when we were sick, in fact… she’d get angry at us!!

She was a pretty rotten woman to live with. And would openly say how getting married and having kids ruined her life 🙄 But here’s the thing, she kept having kids, never left our father, and even wanted another kid when I was 18 🙄

She’s still married, having the time of her life, still chasing hobbies, travelling. And still all over the place. And still crying a river to whoever will listen. (I stopped listening years ago and never looked back) Some people are just put on this earth to take, and fake 😉

Really sorry to hear how she treated you when you were sick, that’s awful! Get yourself a great female doctor, doctors did the hard yards, they know their stuff. Your wife is just… well… wooden. I would let her go. Heck, there have been some demons in my life but I still called an ambulance for them and fed them


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> It’s not illegal in the US for anyone to tell a Dr or therapists concerns about one of their patients.
> 
> In the US, of course there are HIPPA laws protecting the patient’s privacy. But good Drs and providers are able to carefully listen and do privately with that information however they think best.


VERY different than going to her doctor behind her back and changing her medications. Talking to the doctor about behavior that the doctor then addresses with the patient is not the situation I was describing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I know the dr wouldn't change the meds on his day so, but he CAN tell the dr what he is seeing. The dr should be aware of what the meds are doing and his w for sure will not tell her dr.


He can and he should. But that’s different than calling the doctor for new meds.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TexasMom1216 said:


> He can and he should. But that’s different than calling the doctor for new meds.


I want suggesting he tell the dr for new meds. No dr in their right mind would do that.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> I want suggesting he tell the dr for new meds. No dr in their right mind would do that.


The original post to which I was responding was.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

PieceOfSky said:


> It’s not illegal in the US for anyone to tell a Dr or therapists concerns about one of their patients.
> 
> In the US, of course there are HIPPA laws protecting the patient’s privacy. But good Drs and providers are able to carefully listen and do privately with that information however they think best.
> 
> ...


I agree. It is helpful to have someone advocate with medical professionals regarding treatment. If nothing else, it will make the doctor examine the diagnoses and treatment more closely. Of note is that it is proven that people with strong support systems have better recovery rates.
I used to coordinate treatment for work injuries and would put nurses on cases in problematic, unusual, or serious cases. Although the nurse has medical background, they don’t try to influence the doctor’s diagnoses/ treatment, they simply ask questions and this ensures patient gets full attention of the doctor. A family member could likewise ask questions and advocate for the patient.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Part of it could be the medication. 
What you describe is so similar to my wife’s behavior (I’m thinking antibiotic set hers off and never fully came out of it).
Someone in our church years back went through the same with his also around the same age. It was so bad said he couldn’t live with her anymore got a divorce.
Known a few others.
I’m thinking mid life crisis as a death in family, or empty nest seemed to set most cases in motion. 🤷🏼‍♂️
Something might can try is balanced fat diet.
Brain needs balance of fat to work properly. Any imbalance can cause mental issues. Stay away from trans fats. 
Not saying it will help but won’t hurt either.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

JLCP said:


> I agree. It is helpful to have someone advocate with medical professionals regarding treatment. If nothing else, it will make the doctor examine the diagnoses and treatment more closely. Of note is that it is proven that people with strong support systems have better recovery rates.
> I used to coordinate treatment for work injuries and would put nurses on cases in problematic, unusual, or serious cases. Although the nurse has medical background, they don’t try to influence the doctor’s diagnoses/ treatment, they simply ask questions and This ensures patient gets full attention of the doctor. A family member could likewise ask questions and advocate for the patient.


Everyone needs a medical advocate now days.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Mr Jim said:


> I've been married 34 years and we both expected the rest of lives together. We've had our arguments, like any other couple but issues like infidelity or abuse were never an issue. I noticed a change in my wife after her father died four years ago and have expressed the same.
> 
> When she got back, we argued and it was heated. Things were said by both that were bad. The next day she left divorce/separation papers on the table and went to her mothers for the weekend.
> 
> ...





Mr Jim said:


> It seems she is zombie. She can't give simple answers about what is going on and as to when this all ended for her. Her first answer was 23 years ago when I said I didn't want to be married. (I don't remember saying that but have certainly felt that way at times, like most people I know) . I then pointed out that I have tons of notes, cards, and items where she goes on about how much she loves me. In fact, ten years ago she got my name tattooed on her wrist. Nothing she is saying or doing makes sense.



Mr. Jim 

I'm glad whatever is going on with your health seems to have leveled out enough for you to at least post this. 

Whatever is going on with your marriage has origins way beyond your wife taking anti-depressants. The pills didn't cause the problems. 23 years ago something happened that has stayed with her & eaten away at her for all this time. Yet she stayed with you & tried to make it work. She said & did the right things. She tried to love you but there were other incidents, including some time in the past when you did not go to an MRI with her. That incident has been with her all this time & grown in her mind. She thinks how she treated your bout of Covid is on par with you ignoring whatever her illness was because to her they are. 

Now she has served you with divorce papers. The anti-depressants did not make her go see a lawyer. 

You admit that your marriage is now over so let it go.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Thanks for the advice and replies. I'm not going to contact the doctor or get involved in that. As stated by others it is a combination of things. She also is a paralegal for a divorce attorney so there is an ease to all of this for her. 

I know I'll be fine It's just a total shock and out of left field. Even when we were discussing separating she was mentioning holidays and other things as if I am going to stay in contact with her. I know I'll always be connected and will see her at our son's functions but there is no way I plan on staying close. It just seems so odd to me.

There are only a couple of issues to settle ( house, pensions) so it should go smoothly. Thank you all again for listening to me ramble.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think your connecting this to antidepressants is spot on. I’ve seen it, and there’s hundreds of threads on here about women cutting their spouse off from sex, cheating, divorcing them, etc. I think antidepressants are just bs for a majority of people, ruin their marriages just as you say, and are way overprescribed.

however, antidepressants or no, you can get away from your wife and still be happy. The sad thing is that she will likely be rewarded for her disloyalty and breaking the marriage contract she has with you. Just think if it as the price for finding a good woman that will live you. You’ll likely trade up.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Do her anti depressants warn against drinking alcohol and certain drugs?


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think your connecting this to antidepressants is spot on. I’ve seen it, and there’s hundreds of threads on here about women cutting their spouse off from sex, cheating, divorcing them, etc. I think antidepressants are just bs for a majority of people, ruin their marriages just as you say, and are way overprescribed.
> 
> however, antidepressants or no, you can get away from your wife and still be happy. The sad thing is that she will likely be rewarded for her disloyalty and breaking the marriage contract she has with you. Just think if it as the price for finding a good woman that will live you. You’ll likely trade up.


Thank you. You are spot on. I've been telling people she has slowly started to change since her Father died, not putting together the fact that it is when she started therapy and anti-depressants. Once I looked up what they did and side effects, I was astounded how her actions mirror what has happened. I know what I have experienced and while I can't say it is the ONLY factor, it is the one that carries the biggest reason. An excerpt form a Notre Dame study:

"Because SSRI antidepressants increase levels of serotonin, while suppressing levels of dopamine, feelings of happiness remain, but feelings of romantic love subside. Because the individual is no longer in love with their partner, the couple may experience difficulty and strain in the relationship, and, depending on the duration of the strain without treatment, one or both partners may feel the only healthy option is to separate. Therefore, antidepressants taken without supervision and without the care of loved ones to support treatments are another largely unstudied factor in the increasing infidelity and divorce rate.

Until pharmaceutical scientists create a new antidepressant drug that increases levels of serotonin in the brain in addition to increasing levels of dopamine in the brain, we will never know just how many divorces are aided in part by side effects of SSRI drug therapy treatments. And until psychiatrists begin fully explaining the sexual side effects of SSRI drug therapy treatments in addition to recommending marital therapy to married patients taking SSRI antidepressants, many healthy marriages will continue to be vulnerable to the unnecessary prescribing of these romantic love-compromising medications."

And you are right, she is going to be rewarded for this. I don't think she would be so eager if she wasn't walking away with hundreds of thousands of dollars. She had people at work and her low life brother telling her she isn't happy and to get out. Just leave. While all my friends, mutual friends and colleagues asking if anything could be salvaged. Her brother has been married 3 times. Doesn't talk to his parents. Stopped talking to his Daughter. Doesn't talk to his brother and she takes relationship advice from him. SMH 

I don't recognize who she is so I'm okay with letting her go. I am morning the loss of someone I once loved and the what we did together. It is like as if she died. But I will be okay and I hope to find someone who I could share love and who will reciprocate. 
Thanks again


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Do her anti depressants warn against drinking alcohol and certain drugs?


Yes, in fact she should also be monitored on them. Instead, her prescription is renewed every month without question.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Jim said:


> Yes, in fact she should also be monitored on them. Instead, her prescription is renewed every month without question.


Then you can't blame the doctor. If he tells her not to drink or take other drugs and she does then they are not going to work as they should. She must stop those things! 
For many people antidepressants are literally life savers and work very well.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Then you can't blame the doctor. If he tells her not to drink or take other drugs and she does then they are not going to work as they should. She must stop those things!
> For many people antidepressants are literally life savers and work very well.


Absolutely, they work for some people. So does chemotherapy but they don't prescribe it to 75 % of people who don't need it. 
And if they aren't monitoring her then they are being neglectful in prescribing them. Her therapist KNOWS she is drinking and using drugs and having marital problems and yet there has been no call for therapy together. The people prescribing these things KNOW the studies that are out there and choose to ignore them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Jim said:


> Absolutely, they work for some people. So does chemotherapy but they don't prescribe it to 75 % of people who don't need it.
> And if they aren't monitoring her then they are being neglectful in prescribing them. Her therapist KNOWS she is drinking and using drugs and having marital problems and yet there has been no call for therapy together. The people prescribing these things KNOW the studies that are out there and choose to ignore them.


Her therapist isn't her doctor. I bet she tells the doctor she isn't drinking or taking drugs. In the end she is a mature adult who chooses not to help herself sadly.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It's happened to my wife. She changed completely. She lost her libido and was (still is) a zombie. But they worked for her, so she never stopped them or changed them. She tried to stop them once and I got my wife back - it was amazing. But her issues returned and she went back on them. We are not together any more.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Her therapist isn't her doctor. I bet she tells the doctor she isn't drinking or taking drugs. In the end she is a mature adult who chooses not to help herself sadly.


True. You also would think the doctor and therapist would discuss the ongoing prescribing of mind altering drugs but they aren't looking for cures, they are both looking for customers. If doctors could prescribe enough opioid's to kill a stadium, this is nothing in comparison.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr Jim said:


> True. You also would think the doctor and therapist would discuss the ongoing prescribing of mind altering drugs but they aren't looking for cures, they are both looking for customers. If doctors could prescribe enough opioid's to kill a stadium, this is nothing in comparison.


My wife has been allowed to stay on the same SSRI for 20 years, despite ruining our marriage... I guess doctors can only act on what they are told.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> It's happened to my wife. She changed completely. She lost her libido and was (still is) a zombie. But they worked for her, so she never stopped them or changed them. She tried to stop them once and I got my wife back - it was amazing. But her issues returned and she went back on them. We are not together any more.


Yea thats why I'm not even trying to get her off of them. From what I've read, the damage is done. She is gone and not worth the battle. Sometimes you have to leave the person you love to find the person who loves you


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> My wife has been allowed to stay on the same SSRI for 20 years, despite ruining our marriage... I guess doctors can only act on what they are told.


I'd love to see the statistics on how many doctors prescribe them or have no problem with their wives taking them. I'd bet that statistic is very low.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr Jim said:


> Yea thats why I'm not even trying to get her off of them. From what I've read, the damage is done. She is gone and not worth the battle. Sometimes you have to leave the person you love to find the person who loves you


Yep... I battled with it for 15 years to no avail. My wife agreed to see a therapist, but then changed her mind. She basically decided to let our marriage go instead of tackling her issues. Her communication has been zero all this time. It all went wrong at the end. Very sad.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr Jim said:


> I'd love to see the statistics on how many doctors prescribe them or have no problem with their wives taking them. I'd bet that statistic is very low.


It seems to me that her doctor did nothing to manage her issues properly. Same SSRI for 20 years? WTF? She had to increase her dose recently... what a surprise...


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> It seems to me that her doctor did nothing to manage her issues properly. Same SSRI for 20 years? WTF? She had to increase her dose recently... what a surprise...


I don't want to disparage the whole medical community but my personal feelings for them are not good. From the opioid crisis to Covid to this they are not to be trusted as much as they are. I know some friends and colleagues that put Doctors on a God like status suspending their own critical thought because a Doctor told them something.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

My situation is no where near as bad as yours but I do understand dealing with the complete change in personality. 

My wife is still a good, decent, caring person but she began having bad migraines and anxiety along with menopause several years ago and has been on a plethora of medications for migraines and anxiety. I don't think she is on any anti depressants and she has always denied being depressed. But to be honest, her meds have changed so much over the years, I honestly do not know what all she is taking at the moment, but it is a drawer full. 

But I can say that she is a completely different person than she was a handful of years ago. My daughter was in a sci fi movie class in college a while back and had to watch the original "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" and it shocked me as I realized my wife had become just like the pod people in the movie. A the end of the movie, the main character realised his GF had been replicated and was now a pod person when he tried to kiss her. That is exactly how it was with my wife. 

She used to kiss me and it felt warm and sincere. Now if I try, it is cold and mechanical and detached. Some days more so and some less than others. But the person she was is gone. 

What's really sad is she realises it and misses her old self as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> My situation is no where near as bad as yours but I do understand dealing with the complete change in personality.
> 
> My wife is still a good, decent, caring person but she began having bad migraines and anxiety along with menopause several years ago and has been on a plethora of medications for migraines and anxiety. I don't think she is on any anti depressants and she has always denied being depressed. But to be honest, her meds have changed so much over the years, I honestly do not know what all she is taking at the moment, but it is a drawer full.
> 
> ...


Did they try her on hrt?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Mr Jim said:


> I don't want to disparage the whole medical community but my personal feelings for them are not good. From the opioid crisis to Covid to this they are not to be trusted as much as they are. I know some friends and colleagues that put Doctors on a God like status suspending their own critical thought because a Doctor told them something.


It’s always a bad idea to blindly trust.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Try to meet with her doctor by yourself and describe how she is acting. Ask that her meds be changed


at least in the USA, that is impossible. the doctor would be bound by law to not discuss ANTHING he knows about her.
she would have to give written permission for the doctor to discuss anything with the OP


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> What was your pulse and what was your oxygen? It's 2 different numbers. Was your *oxygen at 37?*


that has to be a typo. he would be dead now if his oxygen saturation was only 37%


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> that has to be a typo. he would be dead now if his oxygen saturation was only 37%


No typo. When I made it downstairs and into the car, I put the Pulse Ox on my finger and that was the reading. 37. My soon to be ex-wife saw it and my sister. It started going back up as I was in a resting position. Into the high 70's low 80's. When I arrived at the hospital they immediately put me on oxygen and got a room for me.

I'm not sure if it was defective or moving around caused it to drop so low. I do know I was out of breath just walking 20 feet.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

if i recall, anything below the mid 80's means you have to rush to the hospital.

if your fingernails are dirty, it can throw it off. I got some Great Stuff insulation foam on my fingers once, and the pulse oximeter could not read anything on that finger until it wore off


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> My situation is no where near as bad as yours but I do understand dealing with the complete change in personality.
> 
> My wife is still a good, decent, caring person but she began having bad migraines and anxiety along with menopause several years ago and has been on a plethora of medications for migraines and anxiety. I don't think she is on any anti depressants and she has always denied being depressed. But to be honest, her meds have changed so much over the years, I honestly do not know what all she is taking at the moment, but it is a drawer full.
> 
> ...



I know how you feel. It's like mourning the death of someone that is still alive while having to deal with the "new" person. 

Its hard to communicate how out of the blue it is for me. I understand resentment and there are other factors and of course there are things I might have done wrong. Nothing at all major. But to never communicate any of those issues, go out of your way for decades expressing your love and devotion and then after taking medication, completely changing to the point that nothing she does or says correlates to reality or the past. 

I don't know if I mentioned previously but just months before this, she begged for us to buy a puppy. I gave in and eventually we did but why would you get a puppy with someone you plan on leaving? Then to hear her tell her Brother we don't go out anymore is mind boggling. We didn't go out previously because everything was shut down for covid and we didn't go out after we got the puppy because we couldn't leave him alone. ( which I expressed as the reason for not wanting one). 

This is just an example of hearing resentments that make no sense. 

Now, it doesn't matter. She doesn't even have to have a reason. And Its fine. I'll be fine. She could demonize me or try and change the narrative all she wants. I know how I treated her, Our son knows how I treated her. Our close friends and family know how I sacrificed and treated her. I've concluded that in the end, if her reality is that I'm her source of unhappiness, then that's her reality. I truly feel sorry for her in the sense that once I'm gone, she will realize I wasn't the source of her unhappiness after all, and the person who has always been there for her is gone for good. 

I hope your wife wakes up or finds ways to treat her health with natural ways.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Talker67 said:


> if i recall, anything below the mid 80's means you have to rush to the hospital.
> 
> if your fingernails are dirty, it can throw it off. I got some Great Stuff insulation foam on my fingers once, and the pulse oximeter could not read anything on that finger until it wore off


You're right.. Even below 90 they were telling me to go to the hospital. It had to be the moving around because I was bed ridden. At rest it would be in the 80's. I went to the hospital the previous weekend and my oxygen level was okay. I couldn't eat or drink. They gave me Regeneron. I thought I'd be okay and could work through it. But in days it must have migrated into my lungs .


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

V


Mr Jim said:


> I know how you feel. It's like mourning the death of someone that is still alive while having to deal with the "new" person.
> 
> Its hard to communicate how out of the blue it is for me. I understand resentment and there are other factors and of course there are things I might have done wrong. Nothing at all major. But to never communicate any of those issues, go out of your way for decades expressing your love and devotion and then after taking medication, completely changing to the point that nothing she does or says correlates to reality or the past.
> 
> ...


Can you not see that a lot of the responsibility is on your wife? Pot alone causes mental illness. That and drinking while taking medication where you are are told not to do those things will not allow the tablets to work as they should. It will mess up the effects.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> V
> Can you not see that a lot of the responsibility is on your wife? Pot alone causes mental illness. That and drinking while taking medication where you are are told not to do those things will not allow the tablets to work as they should. It will mess up the effects.


Thanks-I I totally do believe that she holds most of the responsibility. I just don't want to come off as perfect and without some responsibility. I've never cheated or abused her or abandoned her to hang out with friends but I've made mistakes. Not enough, IMO, to end a 34 year marriage without counseling or conveying needs first but everyone makes mistakes. 

She drank and smoked a little for a decade before. She never really gets drunk. She will drink two or three and that is it. I've only seen her really drunk once. It wasn't until the Anti-depressants came in that I felt the change. And it wasn't immediate. At first, it seemed like it was working for her. Then maybe a year or so afterward, she started changing. If it happened immediately, I would have def connected the two.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is supposed to be your teammate. You’ve been that. She’s chosen to use you.
Don’t waste your time trying to figure out a woman who doesn’t want to be with you. Find one who does.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife is supposed to be your teammate. You’ve been that. She’s chosen to use you.
> Don’t waste your time trying to figure out a woman who doesn’t want to be with you. Find one who does.


I agree with you as I am doing just that and moving on. The figuring out part is for no other reason than to learn, for myself, not to try and get her back or anything like that. She already is trying to stay friends in some capacity and I have let her know I want no part of her once I am gone. None. She initiates contact or tries to make small talk and I just ignore her or give one word answers


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr Jim said:


> She already is trying to stay friends in some capacity and I have let her know I want no part of her once I am gone. None. She initiates contact or tries to make small talk and I just ignore her or give one word answers


That's a bit harsh... I still talk to my wife, but she doesn't talk much to me (never has), so maybe I'm lucky...


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> That's a bit harsh... I still talk to my wife, but she doesn't talk much to me (never has), so maybe I'm lucky...


LOL ... It does seem harsh after all these years but I see no point to it. I don't need her as a friend. Especially not a friend who has done what she did and was unapologetic about it. I'm not interested in arguing or being petty but I no longer have interest in her as a person. Its like a game to her, like she needed a thrill and I'm not interested in playing games or providing thrills for her. . I wish her luck and adieu. 

She is not in reality if she thinks we will still talk and maybe rekindle our romance. She stated once we are separated maybe this will happen or that.. Maybe the holidays etc.. I thought to myself, she's nuts. She's gonna put me through all this pain and BS and I'm gonna go back for more? If our Son has a party or something, I'll be there , for him, not her. Actions have consequences.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mr Jim said:


> LOL ... It does seem harsh after all these years but I see no point to it. I don't need her as a friend. Especially not a friend who has done what she did and was unapologetic about it. I'm not interested in arguing or being petty but I no longer have interest in her as a person. Its like a game to her, like she needed a thrill and I'm not interested in playing games or providing thrills for her. . I wish her luck and adieu.
> 
> She is not in reality if she thinks we will still talk and maybe rekindle our romance. She stated once we are separated maybe this will happen or that.. Maybe the holidays etc.. I thought to myself, she's nuts. She's gonna put me through all this pain and BS and I'm gonna go back for more? If our Son has a party or something, I'll be there , for him, not her. Actions have consequences.


I'm quite happy to be friends with my wife, as long as I don't have to deal with her baggage anymore...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Mr Jim said:


> LOL ... It does seem harsh after all these years but I see no point to it. I don't need her as a friend. Especially not a friend who has done what she did and was unapologetic about it. I'm not interested in arguing or being petty but I no longer have interest in her as a person. Its like a game to her, like she needed a thrill and I'm not interested in playing games or providing thrills for her. . I wish her luck and adieu.
> 
> She is not in reality if she thinks we will still talk and maybe rekindle our romance. She stated once we are separated maybe this will happen or that.. Maybe the holidays etc.. I thought to myself, she's nuts. She's gonna put me through all this pain and BS and I'm gonna go back for more? If our Son has a party or something, I'll be there , for him, not her. Actions have consequences.


You sir, have the attitude of a man who will overcome this. Bravo


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> You sir, have the attitude of a man who will overcome this. Bravo


Thank you, Sir. . It's not where I wanted or expected to be and I have a whole lot of work ahead of me but I'm not going to be treated like that and act like all is cool. And I also don't want to be consumed in hatred and regret so indifference will work well towards my moving on.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Jim said:


> Thanks-I I totally do believe that she holds most of the responsibility. I just don't want to come off as perfect and without some responsibility. I've never cheated or abused her or abandoned her to hang out with friends but I've made mistakes. Not enough, IMO, to end a 34 year marriage without counseling or conveying needs first but everyone makes mistakes.
> 
> She drank and smoked a little for a decade before. She never really gets drunk. She will drink two or three and that is it. I've only seen her really drunk once. It wasn't until the Anti-depressants came in that I felt the change. And it wasn't immediate. At first, it seemed like it was working for her. Then maybe a year or so afterward, she started changing. If it happened immediately, I would have def connected the two.


Yes because it's drinking and taking drugs WITH the prescribed drugs that may well have caused the issues and you can't blame the doctor for that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

thunderchad said:


> Women are often resentful when they have to take care of their man. Not saying its right but it obviously happened to you like many others.
> 
> Therapists are terrible for relationships too.
> 
> The pills didnt help but im still thinking she checked out of your marriage long before that.


Yeah, shallow women. Those that are poor character persons. In a good M, over years, that happens to both. Each usually have medical issues and hence the word team in M.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yes because it's drinking and taking drugs WITH the prescribed drugs that may well have caused the issues and you can't blame the doctor for that.


She is definitely wrong, however they don't monitor or advise the effects of these things. And the studies speak for themselves. Multiple studies on the effects of these drugs on marriages. Here is one from Notre Dame. There are many others out there 



Fresh Writing


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Jim said:


> She is definitely wrong, however they don't monitor or advise the effects of these things. And the studies speak for themselves. Multiple studies on the effects of these drugs on marriages. Here is one from Notre Dame. There are many others out there
> 
> 
> 
> Fresh Writing


I know and have known quite a few people on anti depressants, we have quite a bit of depression in the family, and they were/are fine. I am sure that some drugs badly affect some and that's why they should then be given a different one. 
Benefits of these drugs are vast despite everything.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Mr Jim said:


> She is definitely wrong, however they don't monitor or advise the effects of these things. And the studies speak for themselves. Multiple studies on the effects of these drugs on marriages. Here is one from Notre Dame. There are many others out there
> 
> 
> 
> Fresh Writing


I’m sorry you’ve lost your wife and your marriage.

That’s not a study from Notre Dame. It’s an article by an undergraduate student that seeks to vindicate a close adult female (associated with her while growing up), who took SSRIs and had an affair(s), leading to demise of the marriage. It argues SSRIs lead to decreased libido and increased libido, falling out of love (because dopamine isn’t helped by SSRIs, and oxytocin isn’t released if orgasms are not happening). “Unrecognized Marriage-Killing Effects of SSRI Antidepressants" was inspired by a particularly impactful experience from her childhood, where she experienced the impacts of infidelity on a marriage first-hand. This paper is an attempt to better understand her childhood experience and cope with the events that occurred.”

Depression is a *****. If there is any doubt about that, and that antidepressants can help, one can check out “Against Depression”, by Peter Kramer, or the “Noonday Demon”, by Andrew Solomon.

That is not said to invalidate your experience. I have no idea what happened with you and your wife. You’re blaming it on her meds may be fair and accurate, I don’t know. But, I think it would be a mistake for people to walk away from this thread too fearful to seek medical care they need. There are no easy answers, but antidepressants in the right hands can help in some cases. Sometimes they are what separates life from death.

It is risky business generalizing from anecdotes. The author of the article at least does not hide her potential biases, but IMHO she is too close to that life experience to say anything other than maybe this is worth a look.

I have my own anecdotes and biases. Depression can change a person and their brain, especially if untreated over a period of time. The right antidepressants and other psychoactive drugs can help when truly needed, and they also can get in the way of truly healing, and even cause dysfunction. The best one can do is enter treatment aware there are risks, and adjustments may be required over time.

My wife disliked SSRIs, and didn’t tolerate them well. Definitely had decreased libido and decreased ability to orgasm. Switching to Wellbutrin/Buproprion might have helped re orgasms, but her desire disappeared a long time ago and Wellbutrin did nothing to help with it. (Extrapolating from what that author said, I should have expected my wife to have increased interest in sex.). I have felt her indifference towards me for years, and her disinclination to touch be touched. I, and she, has wondered if she has low levels of oxytocin. I wonder if that is because she has drunk a few to several drinks a day for over a decade — there are some studies, perhaps that’s too strong a word here too, linking alcohol use to decreased oxytocin levels.

It sounds like you are not stuck wondering what happened, or struggling to explain it so you can move on. At the end of the day, what matters is whether or not there is any credible desire and effort to close the divide and heal the marriage. Kudos to you for knowing that, and living by it (if that’s where you are). It takes some of us too long to get there.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

PieceOfSky said:


> I’m sorry you’ve lost your wife and your marriage.
> 
> That’s not a study from Notre Dame. It’s an article by an undergraduate student that seeks to vindicate a close adult female (associated with her while growing up), who took SSRIs and had an affair(s), leading to demise of the marriage. It argues SSRIs lead to decreased libido and increased libido, falling out of love (because dopamine isn’t helped by SSRIs, and oxytocin isn’t released if orgasms are not happening). “Unrecognized Marriage-Killing Effects of SSRI Antidepressants" was inspired by a particularly impactful experience from her childhood, where she experienced the impacts of infidelity on a marriage first-hand. This paper is an attempt to better understand her childhood experience and cope with the events that occurred.”
> 
> ...


I have first hand experience with my wife (20 years) and I was on them for a few years too, to counteract the depression I got from the lack of sex life, cause by her depression and SSRIs use. I can't tell you that they do help a lot, but you turn into a zombie. I guess that's acceptable if you are struggling with your life, but be prepared for the impact they will have on your marriage. They destroyed ours. That said, are we not supposed to help and support our partners when they need help? I always been torn by this.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I know and have known quite a few people on anti depressants, we have quite a bit of depression in the family, and they were/are fine. I am sure that some drugs badly affect some and that's why they should then be given a different one.
> Benefits of these drugs are vast despite everything.


I agree with the cavaet that before prescribed a more thorough exam and test is given to qualify the person. We are humans, we WILL be sad at times. Its called life. To prescribe these every time someone is sad over the loss of someone is negligence and dangerous, in my opinion. 

Not to discount that they do help people. My brother in law was depressed and was on them for years. But he was monitored continuously and my sister was involved in everything that was going on. 

Its like Oxycontin, they are useful to people in pain but will destroy the their lives if prescribed unneeded. And we all know what happened there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> I have first hand experience with my wife (20 years) and I was on them for a few years too, to counteract the depression I got from the lack of sex life, cause by her depression and SSRIs use. I can't tell you that they do help a lot, but you turn into a zombie. I guess that's acceptable if you are struggling with your life, but be prepared for the impact they will have on your marriage. They destroyed ours. That said, are we not supposed to help and support our partners when they need help? I always been torn by this.


I think it may depend on the ones you take. Mine didn't turn me into a zombie and I was on a very big dose for many years. I was on different ones over the years. Mine is SSNRI. Not sure how different that is. 
I know others who are on them, and they seem much happier than they did. No negative changes that I can see.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr Jim said:


> I agree with the cavaet that before prescribed a more thorough exam and test is given to qualify the person. We are humans, we WILL be sad at times. Its called life. To prescribe these every time someone is sad over the loss of someone is negligence and dangerous, in my opinion.
> 
> Not to discount that they do help people. My brother in law was depressed and was on them for years. But he was monitored continuously and my sister was involved in everything that was going on.
> 
> Its like Oxycontin, they are useful to people in pain but will destroy the their lives if prescribed unneeded. And we all know what happened there.


I agree that for the normal sadnesses in life such as loosing a parent( which let's face it nearly all of us go though) they shouldn't really need prescribing. 
If someone is very depressed though, which is an illness that can often lead to suicude, they are definitely needed. 
They is a massive difference between feeling low or grieving for a parent for example, to being really mentally ill.


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

PieceOfSky said:


> I’m sorry you’ve lost your wife and your marriage.
> 
> That’s not a study from Notre Dame. It’s an article by an undergraduate student that seeks to vindicate a close adult female (associated with her while growing up), who took SSRIs and had an affair(s), leading to demise of the marriage. It argues SSRIs lead to decreased libido and increased libido, falling out of love (because dopamine isn’t helped by SSRIs, and oxytocin isn’t released if orgasms are not happening). “Unrecognized Marriage-Killing Effects of SSRI Antidepressants" was inspired by a particularly impactful experience from her childhood, where she experienced the impacts of infidelity on a marriage first-hand. This paper is an attempt to better understand her childhood experience and cope with the events that occurred.”
> 
> ...



You bring up some valid points. I get that these help people, much like I previously relate it to Oxycontin helping people. Its when things aren't monitored and people are unaware of the effects that these problem arise. If I, or she, would have known upfront what the effects are, we would have managed it early. Now it is too late. I feel I have every right to warn others. I'm not saying they aren't useful and will not help you. I'm saying be very careful because the people PUSHING them don't disclose the effects they could have. 

There are many articles across the internet citing their destruction to marriages. There is even a site dedicated to stories and problems caused by them 






Our Stories - SSRI Stories


SSRI Stories is a collection of over 7,000 stories most of which were published newspapers or scientific journals. In these stories, prescription antidepressant medications are mentioned. Common to all of them is the possibility - sometimes the near certainty - that the drugs caused or were a...




ssristories.org





I don't have all the definitive answers but I know what happened and when it started. Could be a coincidence, I can't say. At the very least, users and their families should be made aware of these drugs. That isn't too much to ask , in my opinion. 

Your points are well taken and I appreciate the response and the sharing of your experiences. You said it best when you stated 
"The best one can do is enter treatment aware there are risks, and adjustments may be required over time." 

Thanks again


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I agree that for the normal sadnesses in life such as loosing a parent( which let's face it nearly all of us go though) they shouldn't really need prescribing.
> If someone is very depressed though, which is an illness that can often lead to suicude, they are definitely needed.
> They is a massive difference between feeling low or grieving for a parent for example, to being really mentally ill.


Bingo !!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I think it may depend on the ones you take. Mine didn't turn me into a zombie and I was on a very big dose for many years. I was on different ones over the years. Mine is SSNRI. Not sure how different that is.
> I know others who are on them, and they seem much happier than they did. No negative changes that I can see.


In fact, I'm not saying that they don't work, but if you turn into a zombie, it should be the doctor's duty to find one that works.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I agree that for the normal sadnesses in life such as loosing a parent( which let's face it nearly all of us go though) they shouldn't really need prescribing.
> If someone is very depressed though, which is an illness that can often lead to suicude, they are definitely needed.
> They is a massive difference between feeling low or grieving for a parent for example, to being really mentally ill.


I agree with this. I personally think these things clearly help by messing with brain chemistry and are a huge danger, and that danger should be weighed very carefully and it isn’t in most cases. I think once a person gets on AD’s and loses their sex drive, loses their feelings for their spouse, etc, they often don’t come back even if the AD’s are stopped. Once a relationship is f’d up in such a way, it is usually unsalvageable.
Yes, they are a great thing in some cases, but I suspect in mist they are the worst thing a person can do to their marriage.

I would consider my SO starting to take AD’s as an ultra serious thing that would likely destroy the relationship and would be extremely fearful.

As far as what to do it the spouse is ill and needs them….. I’d stick by them until it became clear that the relationship had no real hope of succeeding. Then I’d divorce.
Staying with a person that no longer loves you for whatever reason is not something I’d do.
A person promises to live their spouse. To have and to hold. Once they don’t, I don’t feel I broke the vows by leaving. They did by failing to love me. I’d pray on it and make a logical decision and try not to make an emotional one.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree with this. I personally think these things clearly help by messing with brain chemistry and are a huge danger, and that danger should be weighed very carefully and it isn’t in most cases. I think once a person gets on AD’s and loses their sex drive, loses their feelings for their spouse, etc, they often don’t come back even if the AD’s are stopped. Once a relationship is f’d up in such a way, it is usually unsalvageable.
> Yes, they are a great thing in some cases, but I suspect in mist they are the worst thing a person can do to their marriage.
> 
> I would consider my SO starting to take AD’s as an ultra serious thing that would likely destroy the relationship and would be extremely fearful.
> ...


You do have to remember, though, that they are taking the SSRI for a reason. So, you are not really dealing with a person who has much room for you, because their issues are their priority. Then it would be their work and kids, if any. I'm my experience, the husband always comes last and it's a very difficult place to be. We were divorcing, but my wife decided basically to trick me by resuming our sex life until the kids were old enough to dump me. That said, my wife's case is rather extreme and I made it a lot worse by not understanding, because there was no communication. But it's a clear example of how the brain of people with mental issues work. It's very tricky and I struggled enormously with guilt.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I am a pharmacy tech. I can tell you that doctors can be lied to and bullied as easily as anyone else. SSRIs are no exception. It's not an exact science. 

Also we at the pharmacy will send refill requests and they are often denied until an appt has been made to discuss it first. Most doctors do their due diligence.

Now, was it the anti depressants? Maybe. Maybe not. Only she knows how she feels with or without them. She may even believe they are helping when you think they are hurting. Why don't you try journaling? At the end if the night write down what you saw THAT day only. No judgement. Make sure to writing down your own reaction. Basing decisions on memory alone, you will tend to remember events that caused the greatest emotional reaction which is not a good indicater. Mood trackers are great btw and you can add current stressors. Is she in menopause yet?

Now, there is this whole thing with Covid. Some people will only ever believe it was a bad cold. Is she that way as a rule? Also MRI's can be very stressful. What was this one for? If she thought she might have something that could kill her and you weren't supportive .. she may have looked death in the face. It can fundamentally change people.

I had an open abdominal hysterectomy after months if iron infusions because I was so anemic. The day I came home after surgery I went to take the hospital grime removal shower. When I pulled back the curtain there were turtles swimming around in dirty water in my bathtub. So I had to bend over, remove the turtles, sanitize the tub before I could take a shower in my own tub. With a freshly stitched wound on my abdomen, and no pain killers. Ex didn't see a problem with it. 

So I understand how your wife's apparent lack of compassion hurt you. Is that a new behavior for her, or is ir a case that she can't see you are struggling


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## Mr Jim (10 mo ago)

Erudite said:


> I am a pharmacy tech. I can tell you that doctors can be lied to and bullied as easily as anyone else. SSRIs are no exception. It's not an exact science.
> 
> Also we at the pharmacy will send refill requests and they are often denied until an appt has been made to discuss it first. Most doctors do their due diligence.
> 
> ...


She started therapy after her father passed and was put on these personality changers. If I had any idea of what they do to a person, I would have had an issue with them right away. It is a sad event in all of our lives so makes sense big pharma would come up with these pills and push them on to people. To them, everything could be fixed with a pill and don't mind the life altering side effects, we have another pill for that. 

She started to change not long after therapy. She started bringing up petty perceived injustices that people did to her throughout her life. I remember making a mental note thinking that I'm sure I'm a party to some and that this therapy is making her very bitter and angry. If these pills are supposed to make you happy then they aren't working. I'm not interested in keeping any journal or trying to pin point it. I made incredible sacrifices for her. If she wants to throw away 34 years married and 38 together, so be it. All these resentments were never vocalized before. Not once. And now she thinks she is "friends" with her therapist. I don't know about anyone on here but I don't pay my friends $ 200 an hour to listen to me talk. 

The MRI was not for anything life threatening. Might have been her gall bladder. 

She takes covid seriously when talking to others. With me, it was like I was faking it. It is like she is mentally ill. There is a lot of contradictions in her statements. Its like she went to sleep loving me and our life together and woke up and I was the source of every misdeed done to her in her life. Literally. 

So I'm done. At this point, I want this over as fast as possible but I want to make sure it is equitable. She works for divorce lawyers and they already tried bullying me into letting her buy me out of the house at a low ball offer. I just laughed at them. My attorney set them straight. 

I'm not interested in playing her games. If she had issues or was upset over things I did, real or imaginary, she should have come to me to discuss. She could have asked for counseling together instead of letting it manifest to the point that it almost cost me my life. 

Thanks for the tips and the response.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> You do have to remember, though, that they are taking the SSRI for a reason. So, you are not really dealing with a person who has much room for you, because their issues are their priority. Then it would be their work and kids, if any. I'm my experience, the husband always comes last and it's a very difficult place to be. We were divorcing, but my wife decided basically to trick me by resuming our sex life until the kids were old enough to dump me. That said, my wife's case is rather extreme and I made it a lot worse by not understanding, because there was no communication. But it's a clear example of how the brain of people with mental issues work. It's very tricky and I struggled enormously with guilt.


You had it tough. What I hate about yours and a lot of situations where people hang in there with bad situations for years, is that it seems like a person’s love, loyalty, determination, perseverance (some of a human’s best qualities) are basically being used against them in a way.

I hooe you have found, or will find soon, a person that makes those bad memories seem really distant.


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