# Wife denies... I don't buy...



## ozarksguy (Apr 3, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for nearly 11 years. Two kids, both successful careers, the perfect life.

Last December I discover that she struck up a texting/email/facebook friendship with a co-worker. I found many messages, that were not of a super-sexual nature, but still disturbing. When I confronted her, she said she was sorry and it was just flirting and electronic communication, nothing physical. Although they did have at least two lunches together during December. She apologised to me and I confronted the co-worker. Both said it was over.

January, we go on a vacation. She emails him during the trip and says "I really miss you and just wanted you to know". He responds and says "it's empty around here without you". She responds again and says "I really miss you, just saying". I confront her again and she says she just misses his friendship, and nothing more and that she said that to him because they hadn't really spoken since late December. Although phone records indicate she was texting him in Dallas before a connecting flight out of the country.

I get super paranoid over this situation and it consumes me. As the weeks go on, I continue to bring it up by asking questions. She starts to get defensive with me, saying it was only a friendship and nothing more. 

In February, tensions are high between us because I have so much hurt over this issue. She tells me she needs space, and I need to figure out how to move beyond this issue. All the while, the texting continues, and they even met for a 3-hour happy hour at a mexican restaurant. She came home wasted and got mad at me when I asked her questions about it. I checked the credit card receipt to see what time she paid. She was home 30 minutes after she paid, and we live 10-15 minutes from the place. I went into the restaurant to ask the manager what he saw. He remembered where they sat, what they drank, and what time they were there. He also said he saw her give him "one quick kiss". I confronted her and she told me the manager lied and she would go back to the restaurant with me and confront him herself if i wanted. I have a feeling there was a bit of a make-out session in the car outside the restaurant, although she vehemently denies that.

We go to counseling and start doing better in late February to late March. But then I checked our phone bill again this week and the texting continues. Not to the level that it did, but it still does. Also, two weeks ago she tried to get them both on TextPlus, an iphone application that keeps text messages out of your ususal text message in-box. On that same night, she also sent him some kind of picture from her phone. I confronted her again, and again she says they are friends and she only tried to do textPlus because she didn't want me to overreact to an innocent friendship. She also claims she doesn't remember what picture she sent him but swears it was nothing dirty. But still I'm the paranoid one because "you don't believe me".

I'm at my wits end. I want to believe my wife... but I keep getting this gut feeling that there's something more. I honestly don't think there's anything physical, but certainly emotional and I worry about these "pictures". And it frustrates me that she gets mad at me for being paranoid and asking questions...

Somebody please tell me what I should do? I hear people saying "where there's smoke there's fire"... but I just don't want to think the worst....


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Listen to your gut.....it is generally dead on.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

If your wife is telling the truth it sounds like there will come a time when she has to decide which is more important, keeping the friendship intact or keeping the marriage intact.

But firstly I'm wondering how things were before all this erupted - e.g. were things generally okay, are you the jealous type, did she find you possessive, have you ever given her reason to suspect you were having an affair etc ??? 

You said you had the "perfect life" but was it perfect for her too.


----------



## ozarksguy (Apr 3, 2010)

Our relationship was good. She says she thought I wasn't happy, but I don't feel that way. I just think she got caught up in the excitment of another man showing her attention.

I have always been a little jealous because my wife is beautiful and a good person who people want to be around. But I've become obsessed with this situation with the other man, friend, whatever. However my wife is mad at me for trying to "control" her. I think I have every right to be concerned and insecure. She kept this relationship from me until I found out about it on my own. And the friendship continues today, eventhough she swears there's nothing in appropriate and that any flirty talk is gone. I just don't know how a man, who clearly had/has a thing for my wife, can turn those emotions off...


----------



## ppl (Apr 8, 2010)

i am not making a great success of my own life right now but it would seem that if she is serious about marriage she needs to leave the job. seems extreme but it was her own foolishness that got her involved. when together during the day with each other, no way to end it. question does she favor job or her friendship more than the marriage, if so you have your answer. seems so simple when its not your life or situation to give advise.


----------



## dingdong (Apr 9, 2010)

you have reason to lay it on the line dude......either she sorts it out or you flag leaving......yeah, do what they do......leave for silly reasons.


----------



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Don't be tempted to give her an ultimatum about leaving unless you really mean it and WILL carry it through. Think long and hard.

Having said that, in your situation, I would want to leave if my partner showed so little concern for my feelings and continued to want to have his cake and eat it.


----------



## dingdong (Apr 9, 2010)

Yeah, flag leaving only if you have tried to fix it. If they wont come to the party and its killing you then flag the big "L".


----------



## vedatoo! (May 18, 2010)

she is cheating. it might only be emotional, or it might be physical, but shes lying to you and going behind your back sneaking to call him and meet with him. thats cheating.
she needs to fess up.
i have plenty of guy friends. my husband knows them all. people i have known for years and years. i never hide anything because i have nothing TO hide. he talks to my male friends more than i do.
but, if something happend to make him uneasy, i would talk openly about it and figure out a solution to make him happy. even if it resulted in me ending the friendship. i would expect the same.
i think new male/female friendships are tricky. 
it seems that one person in the friendship usually likes the other one more than just friends. someone always seems to be attracted to the other. eventually it comes out.
she needs to ditch homeboy. if she is out on a date getting drunk at a bar with anyone, it should be you.


----------

