# My wife doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me.



## Dragon72 (May 27, 2015)

My problem is: My wife doesn't seem to want to spend any time with me. In this married life, I'm spending all my evenings alone, mostly bored in front of the tv. Where is my wife then? She's not working, drinking, or out with friends. She's in bed, beside our son. She's not ill, or disabled or anything. She just prefers it this way. It seems she's not interested in me any more.

We've been together for 4 years; living together for 3 years since we married. This didn't change much in our relationship, which was generally good. But then, we had a baby. Now our relationship is practically over.

There's nothing wrong with our son; he's healthy, sweet and pretty smart. I have a wonderful relationship with my son and we spend quality time together every day But my wife can't relax. During the daytime, life is extremely stressful in this home; she's all the time busy with him or cleaning the house, and demanding my help in this all the time, giving me orders to do little jobs. I already do a lot to help without her needing to ask. There's no time for 'us'. And in the evening, when our son's in bed, she is too. His cot is beside her bed in his bedroom. She always goes to sleep beside him, at the same time as him - around 8pm. Also during daytime naps she goes to bed beside him or spends the time cleaning. I sleep in what used to be our bedroom. 

She doesn't work, and when I come back from work she often leaves our son with me and goes upstairs for an hour or two. Recently she said she was going to the toilet and when I went upstairs an hour later I found her asleep. It was 5pm. I've asked why she doesn't want to spend evenings with me. The reply is always something like "she's just so tired now". She insists that she needs to sleep in his room even though he is nearly 20 months old and we have a baby monitor radio.
As you might imagine, there's also almost no sex whatsoever. Once in the last 6 months. The last few times we have had sex it was in our bedroom and then as soon as it finished she went back to our son. Not very enjoyable. The last time she offered sex, at the point where we were getting started, she started to talk to me about money and demanded to see a bank statement to make sure I hadn't been spending money without her knowing about it. I didn't feel like sex that night, not surprisingly.

Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company any more, and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.

I can't even talk with her about this subject any more, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts attacking me, that I should appreciate how hard she works and that I should stop behaving like a teenager and be the “man of the house”. 
I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

First kid?

Sleeping early?

Refusing to not have the kid sleep on his own?

We went through the same. I think it was a twinge of postpartum mixed with exhaustion and an unhealthy attachment to the child, especially at night.

Step in and tell her no more sleeping with him.

I had to draw a line in the sand with our first after about 10 months of him sleeping with us. (Bassinet next to our bed). 

Even then I'd find her asleep in his room at least a few times a week in the nursing chair, with her holding him. Went on that way for months.

To this day, 11 years later, he still has trouble sleeping as a consequence. 

Draw a line in the sand.

"Wives sleep with their husbands, not their children. He's fine. In fact, I'll get up with him every night until he's able to sleep on his own again so you can catch up on your sleep, too."


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dragon72 said:


> Everything suggests that she's not interested in my company any more, *and the only reason she hasn't thrown me out of the house yet *is that she needs my help in taking care of our boy. I'm not a husband, I'm a servant.
> 
> I can't even talk with her about this subject any more, because every time I bring it up, she gets upset and starts attacking me, that I should appreciate how hard she works and that I should stop behaving like a teenager and be the “man of the house”.
> I often consider leaving. But I don't really want to lose her; I love her! But on the other hand, I feel like I've lost her already! What I really want is to get her back. But what can I do?


Is there any valid reason she'd "throw you out of the house?" That's kindof an extreme way to put it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Marriage counseling for the two of you. 180 for you. Your wife seems to be using your son to avoid you. Does she have any medical problems which could contribute to her behavior?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

marduk said:


> First kid?
> 
> Sleeping early?
> 
> ...



I agree with this. She's requested you be the man of the house, and this is one way you can do just that.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

does she have reason to resent you? it looks like she might be avoiding you on purpose. I know that feeling...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, don't let her throw you out of the home. If she doesn't want to be a wife, that's on her. But, she can get a job & learn how to support herself and then she can look at her own bank statement and not worry about what you are or aren't spending money on.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds like my whole marriage of 23 years!!! I am the woman but husband seems to have no interest in spending time with me. Good luck in finding the solution, my husband seems to think there is no problem.


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## Dragon72 (May 27, 2015)

Thanks for all the replies. There are all sorts of additional issues that are impacting the relationship: 

It's a bi-cultural relationship: Me British, her Mexican. She doesn't speak English and although my Spanish is good, I find it hard to articulate my feelings in my own language, let alone one I'm still trying to perfect.

Our relationship developed very quickly. 10 months from first date to marriage. Son born 10 months after that. That was partly due to her age (early 40s) and us both wanting kids before it was too late. 

I'll grant her I could do with "manning-up", but I'm naturally a people-pleaser conflict-avoider, and she's quite domineering. At times I have wondered whether she is a narcissist.

The sex began great, during our engagement, and we'd do it often and in different rooms, she'd occasionally do short oral before PiV, hand jobs in the car. But since day 1 she has never let me touch her or go down on her. She's never been one for foreplay which I think is really important. Gradually our sex has become less and less frequent and be confined to missionary in the bedroom when and only when she demands it.

A cynic might think that she just entrapped me to get a baby but I do think she loves me as well.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Co-sleeping is not the issue. We had the best sex of our marriage during those years. A large house and an uncanny ability to move a sleeping infant to her room prior to any action were key.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Read this many times over and then go forth and put it into practice.



marduk said:


> I happened to be thinking today about the past year of my marriage. Everyone on these forums were so instrumental in my being in the great place I am today I thought I would post a note about where I was, where I am, and what I’ve learned.
> 
> A year ago my marriage was a mess. After 3 kids my stay at home wife spontaneously decided to start going out with her girlfriends again, including a “girls trip” to Vegas. She started a crazy fitness routine, including marathon running and triathalons. She started leaving me at home with the kids 2-3 evenings a week. A rough summer. I was insecure, controlling, alone, and afraid.
> 
> ...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dragon72 said:


> Thanks for all the replies. There are all sorts of additional issues that are impacting the relationship:
> 
> It's a bi-cultural relationship: Me British, her Mexican. She doesn't speak English and although my Spanish is good, I find it hard to articulate my feelings in my own language, let alone one I'm still trying to perfect.
> 
> ...



That is strange. Have the two of you talked about why?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just because she's not been diagnosed as ill doesn't mean she isn't. Tired all the time, no interest in sex, could be signs of depression.


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## Dragon72 (May 27, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> That is strange. Have the two of you talked about why?


"because I don't want you to"
She has been fine with me touching her breasts though. Just not downstairs with anything other than my penis. She doesn't even want me guiding it in with my hands.
She's a devout Catholic. Maybe that?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Dragon72 said:


> "because I don't want you to"
> She has been fine with me touching her breasts though. Just not downstairs with anything other than my penis. She doesn't even want me guiding it in with my hands.
> She's a devout Catholic. Maybe that?


Is she possibly a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Or (I know this is out there), not originally a woman?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Is she after any immigration benefits?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dragon72 said:


> "because I don't want you to"
> She has been fine with me touching her breasts though. Just not downstairs with anything other than my penis. She doesn't even want me guiding it in with my hands.
> She's a devout Catholic. Maybe that?


In that case you need to talk to her priest and let him know divorce is an option.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Is she possibly a victim of childhood sexual abuse? Or (I know this is out there), not originally a woman?


You mean is she a he and he had a baby? Now I'm confused.


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## Dragon72 (May 27, 2015)

john117 said:


> Is she after any immigration benefits?


she doesn't seem to be. We're living in her country.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> You mean is she a he and he had a baby? Now I'm confused.


LOL, sorry. Yes, that was a VERY dumb question!  (Yes, I'm blonde.)


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## limeaid (May 29, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> Just because she's not been diagnosed as ill doesn't mean she isn't. Tired all the time, no interest in sex, could be signs of depression.


I'd say it would appear VERY likely she's suffering from depression :crying:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Dragon72 you need to read *this right now*.


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