# Wife Cheated - Please Help



## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Hi,

Apologies if there are other threads on here regarding this, but I have been through a lot and can't find any that match my situation. 

I have been with my wife for about 9 years and married for nearly 4 years. About 9 month ago I was having doubts about our marriage and starting to think about life without her. I was severely depressed at the time and going to counselling as I have OCD. I decided that we should go on a break and we agreed we can see other people during this break.

During this break, I did meet someone else, but soon afterwards (4 months after break-up) I realized what a huge mistake I had made and that I wanted to get back together with my wife.

My wife and I talked and she too had been in a relationship while we were on a break, but we decided to work on our marriage. She still said she loved me but that she had changed; became more independent and that she is not 100% certain that we will always be together. We decided to work on it though.

The Saturday just gone (4 months after getting back together and living back together) she cheated on me after saying she was staying at a friends after a girlie night out. She told me straight away that she cheated (following morning) and how sorry she is and that she feels a complete bi*ch.

I didn't get angry at all or seek for revenge, I was just totally devastated as if my whole world had collapsed. I cried all the time and find things hard to do without thinking about us. I said I forgave her and that we can get through it. We talked about things as she said that she loves me so much and that she can't imagine her life without me. However, she said she can't say 100% that she will want to be with me in the future. As soon as i said I am going to leave she burst's into tears and asks me to stay. She says there are days when she is 100% sure that she wants to be with me and other days where she has doubts.

She says she needs time to get back to where we were a year ago when she knew 100% that she wanted to be with me and even then she is worried that she will not get there. I worry so much every day, and dread going home as I think she will say she wants to leave me, or 6 months down the line.

I need some advice as to what to do. Part of me thinks I should just leave and hopefully she will realize what a huge mistake she has made and wants me back for good. Then I worry if I do this and she doesn't change her feelings that I wasted the chance to carry on living with her and giving the marriage time. She has said that she feels pressure from me asking about if she wants to be with me or not, I just feel so uncertain about us and want to know now.

Please help

Many thanks

Mark


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Here is the kicker. You aren't going to believe this, but the more you seem to WANT to stay in the marriage, the less she will.

If you are crying and moping and unable to let her go, she will feel sorry for you...but is that an emotion you wish to foster in your wife?

So...get your public emotions under control. Be as much of a rock as you can be. Behind closed doors (and far away from her) let it hang out. Vent here! Complain, whine, scream at the gods for doing this to you! But don't do it in front of her.

Because she WILLFULLY did this. It wasn't a drunken thing as far as I can read it. It was a choice.

Now...for whatever reason, she feels very bad about this. Don't make her feel worse...but it really isn't your job to make her feel better either. "Oops...I cut my finger stabbing you in the back...can you kiss it and make it better honey...?"

Does that make a lot of sense to you?

Part of your feelings are driven by fear. You have some issues like your OCD which you need to work on. WORK ON THEM! Work HARD! Because she might do this again. So you need to make yourself the best you for three reasons

1) she might leave. Sorry, but there it is. For 5 years, you didn't care about each other enough to commit and a mere 4 years later, she's straying. Not a strong relationship. You need to be prepared to find someone else. Be your best

2) Since it is likely this was an issue in your marriage, this will make it stronger, but this should not be your primary focus. 

3) YOU will feel better about yourself. Less insecure. This translates into all kinds of benefits. Fix the OCD as much as possible, hit the gym, improve your resume and learn something totally new. I took martial arts and hit the gym. I like myself a lot better than I used to. I feel I have OPTIONS. 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but so does my wife. Granted, she ALWAYS had options but girls generally do.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Thanks JCD,

You make a lot of sense. One question I would like your advice on. Should I:

1) stay living with her, working on our marriage but following the advice you gave and be a rock and happy in myself while in front of her.

or 2) Tell her that I am leaving

Many thanks

Mark


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who did she cheat with ?

Did she plan it ? 

Why did she cheat ?

Is she still in contact with this guy ?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If you don't have kids, both of you should just find other people.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

You've already left her once. I'm guessing she's scared you might leave again, that's why she's having doubts about staying with you. 

Who did she cheat with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

She cheated with the same guy she had the relationship with on our break.

She has said that she has feelings for him but they are not as strong as the feelings she has for me.

She told me she didn't plan it and it happened when she was drunk (although no excuse)

She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.

She is not in contact with this guy anymore and i believe her, although they play at the same hockey club and potentially bump into each other once every other month or so. 

She has been totally up front with me on how she feels.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Why get chased out of your house?

Ask her one question: "If I cheated on you with someone whom I constantly see, what exactly would I need to do to get back into your good graces? Why not do that?"

If she didn't leave the hockey club, it would be a deal breaker for me.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You don't say how long this "break" was. My concern for you both moving forward, however, is that you both seemed to find other people to be with pretty quickly and easily. Just doesn't sound like the both of you are completely in love with each the way you need to be to make a marriage work.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

Mark1 said:


> She told me she didn't plan it and it happened when she was drunk (although no excuse)


She did plan it. She didn't remain at a place selling alcohol with him (and without you) by accident. She could have left. She didn't. She could have moderated her drinking. She chose to get drunk. She could have said "No. I don't want to do this again" at any point in the evening. She chose not to each time.



> She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.


Does that make any kind of sense to you? Really?

If she can be honest with herself first and then completely honest with you, the two of you _might_ have a chance.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

The break was only about 4 months in total. 

I think my plan will be to stay in the flat with her and act strong and show her that I'm happy. I really want this to work out as I know she did a nasty act, but that doesn't make her a nasty person? I just hope she can see that it is me she really wants. Do you think this is right?

Thank you for all your advice, I really appreciate it all as i have kept this to myself and don't want to tell friends or family.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

The minute you said you wanted an open relationship you doomed your marriage.

Why didn't you just tell her... 'Look, you are a real piece of crap but I don't feel like looking for anyone better so lets just stay together because I like to have sex with you. It's easy and I don't have to go hunting other women.'

It is really hard to say that she cheated when you told her you wanted an open relationship. Women do NOT think the same way men do. You basically told her that you will not be there for her for the rest of her life to protect her and care for her.

You said that she says she made a huge mistake... I'm going to tell you honestly you made a bigger one.

You need to rectify two things...

1. The damage that you did by telling her you wanted an open relationship. Do you want to be married to her or are you being codependent? Figure that out.

2. Did she do bad things by cheating? Yes. You opened that door for her, told her there was something better in there, now you are here to say you can't believe she actually went in that door...

She sounds confused. She wants security for the rest of her life and that's tough. You need to figure out what you both really want and both work on your issues.

Be strong, work very hard on yourself. Figure out if you want to be married and then work very hard on your marriage. You both did something really stupid. Forgive each each other and yourself and decide who you want to be for the rest of your life and move forward after figuring that out first.

Be strong brother. Time to do some heavy lifting and shoulder some burdens. You have a good chance of salvaging your marriage but you need to get educated on being a good husband. Don't just look to blame her here. Hold her accountable for her actions but don't let bitterness creep into your heart. Lead your heart, don't let it lead you for it surely will betray you.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

I may have mislead you in that i didn't say to her I wanted an open relationship, but a break from each other. I never intended to live with her and have an open relationship. My worry was that if I had stayed with her I would have had more and more doubt that I may have ended up cheating, and I didn't want to do that to her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

So you made your wife doubt your commitment to your marriage. You both had affairs (on break = "whoo-hoo! Let's cheat and pretend we didn't really cheat!") and now you are both dealing with the fallout of the situation you created. 

But here's the good news! If you both work at this, if you both want it, things are fixable!

Individual and couples counselling is a must, however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So let's see if I understand this correctly: you decided to break your marriage vows and take a break to see others, you decided that it was a mistake, and now you're devastated that she found another guy? What did you think would happen when you opened this floodgate? It was you that introduced infidelity to this marriage. I don't know if you had someone in mind when you decided you wanted to see others but once you open this box you can't close it so easily. This marriage is now broken and from your wife's perspective what's to stop you from deciding you need another break? Some serious counseling is in order here. Third parties should NEVER be invited into a marriage like that, unless you've mutually agreed to an open marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She said she cheated because part of her thought it would make her realize how much she actually wants me.


Bullsh!t Alert. You realize that she is bullsh!tting, right?? 

Ask her if she wants you to show her love the same way. She felt entitled to the affair because you begged her back. Time to show that you are fine without her. It works better in the long term


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> So let's see if I understand this correctly: you decided to break your marriage vows and take a break to see others, you decided that it was a mistake, and now you're devastated that she found another guy? What did you think would happen when you opened this floodgate? It was you that introduced infidelity to this marriage. I don't know if you had someone in mind when you decided you wanted to see others but once you open this box you can't close it so easily. This marriage is now broken and from your wife's perspective what's to stop you from deciding you need another break? Some serious counseling is in order here. Third parties should NEVER be invited into a marriage like that, unless you've mutually agreed to an open marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you actually read his posts ?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mark1 said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> she is not 100% certain that we will always be together.


When a woman tells you she is not 100% sure you will always be together it mean she is 100% you will not.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Thank you all for your advice, it is much appreciated.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Did you actually read his posts ?


Yep. And it ain't a pretty story from either of them. They both did wrong but the OP told his wife he was not sure about the future of their marriage, sort of blaming his OCD for that. They decided to have a wedding 'break' and each took a lover. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

MattMatt, I appreciate your feedback but I had to tell my wife how I felt when I initiated the break-up. I couldn't just sweep it under the carpet and ignore my feelings. In hindsight I should have seeked counselling to understand why I was feeling like this but I reacted quickly; I am not perfect. Plus I was having counselling for my OCD which was also a main contributor to my mixed feelings.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mark1 said:


> MattMatt, I appreciate your feedback but I had to tell my wife how I felt when I initiated the break-up. I couldn't just sweep it under the carpet and ignore my feelings. In hindsight I should have seeked counselling to understand why I was feeling like this but I reacted quickly; I am not perfect. Plus I was having counselling for my OCD which was also a main contributor to my mixed feelings.


I understand what you are saying. But you broke your wife's heart, you broke your marriage. And though I rarely use this term you must 'man up' and help sort out the mess you accidentally created.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I think you that you complicated your marriage, but you both agreed to try again, and 4 months in, she cheated on you.

I think you forgiving her immediately is a huge mistake. You just want to make it all go away, rug-sweep. Stop all that crying and accept reality...she told you that she doesn't think you guys will be together forever, which means you are a back-up plan/fall-back guy/plan-b dude.

And how does a girls-night-out turn into her cheating with the OM? Just because she told you about it doesn't make her actions forgivable. She had some planning, and this could happen again and again.

I think if you guys don't have kids, you should seriously get away from each other. Ya, you are going to miss her/the thought of her, but she's not 100% into the marriage, and lets face it, neither were you or your would have never left.

Try the 180, distance yourself, and attempt to move on with your life. Do you want to hate every girls-night-out she goes on, wondering if she's cheating again, for the rest of your life? Because that is what staying with her amounts to.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is outright lying to you when she says she's undecided.

She made her descicion already but she's being a coward about being honest about it. She doesn't want you.

She wasn't raped thus weekend. She chose to have sex wth the OM, and her telling you outright was a challenge to you to leave. She wants you to be the one to pull the trigger not her. Her cheating was her trying to force your hand.

By forgiving her like you did you also have dropped yourself way down in the sex value rankings. You basically said to her, that she can cheat at will without consequence, that you recognize that you are not strong enough to demand a fateful wife and do you'll accept a cheating one.

By also letting her continue in an environment where she will at least once a month meet up with the OM socially, you again are showing her and the OM that your marriage bond is weak and she is free and available for sex with others.

She knew snd deliberately chose to cheat on you this weekend.

My advice is to end the charade you are living in and file for D. Offer to drive her to the OMs house with her things, tell her he can have her 100 of the time.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Is there any hope of us making it work and coming out in a better relationship? What is the best course of action?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Unfortunately---when you separated, and then both agreed you could date others----you opened up a Pandora's box-----what did you think was gonna happen----she would just go on dates with guys and nothing would happen

She fell for another man, and now you are stuck with what you have done to yourself

Your wife should not have come back to you, under the pretense she loves you, but still kept her other relationship going---but that's where this mess is at

Why is your wife so wanting to stay with you---could it be cuz, you provide the sheckels---and the other guy, is in reality, not much, and not mge., material, he really only satisfies here sex-wise,---only your wife knows

You have to decide how you want to deal with your future----as your wife, unhappy as this makes you, may like him physically better than she does you---she certainly doesn't want a snively crybaby for a H---so get on your big boy pants---and lay it out for her----you know the drill---its all here on thread after thread, including this one right here that we are presently on


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mark1 said:


> Is there any hope of us making it work and coming out in a better relationship? What is the best course of action?


There is hope. Counselling is imperative. You must both be honest and open with each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> There is hope. Counselling is imperative. You must both be honest and open with each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not when she's going out drinking alone, meeting up with the OM, and choosing to have sex with him.

That shows zero commitment to making it work.

She didn't have sex by accident, but by choice. Alcohol was not to blame.

She returned home and announced she just came back from choosing to cheat, that was a direct challenge to the OP. not a challenge to forgive her, but to see what he would do. He failed the test by rolling over and forgiving.

OP read married man's sex life by Kay Athol ASAP and you'll see the game she was playing by choosing to have sex on Saturday. She wants out, but she wants you to be the one to actually D her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mark1 said:


> She cheated with the same guy she had the relationship with on our break.
> 
> *She's hot for him and you're simply her "Plan B", the safe, secure guy*
> 
> ...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Putting aside the cheating (the extent, the intent... better find out what has been going on, where she is about OM) you need to understand where she comes from.
You were right to be honest and demand the separation, your weren't right about the rules (allowed dating was a poor choice) but her mindset about being unsure abut the future was/is completely predictable. You put that idea on her, suck it up. 
Any chance for the marriage to survive include the fact you must agree, accept there's no garantee. And you are the only one to blame for this. If you can't stay with her being unsure then break up for good, it would make you both miserable otherwise.

Truth is uncertaincy about the future is always there, will always be there for now own. Actually I don't believe it's necessarily a bad thing. After experiencing infidelity in my marriage I have no certaincy anymore. It's doable.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Save yourself a lot of heartache:
1. Get tested for STD's. Your wife did not take ownership of her cheating on you at all. She is playing you. If the roles were reversed after getting back together and you cheated on her, would she have been so accepting as you have been?

2. See a lawyer and move. She is not committed.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Mark1 said:
> 
> 
> > She told me she didn't plan it and it happened when she was drunk (although no excuse)
> ...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

It goes like this..and you're a smart guy so try to follow closely

They used to bang, are still in communication, meet regularly at the hockey club, she went out with the proviso she was staying at a girlfriends house and magically bumped into him and they went to his house for sex, what is more likely is they never stopped having sex, and she knew she was going out that night to meet him so she lied to you..

about this I wanted to have sex with him to make her realize it was you she wanted...really?

So from this point forth, she still goes to Hockey, still is in contact with you and you will never know whether she cuts off from him emotionally or not and every time she goes out you'll be wondering what she's up to..that is your life from this point forth


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Put yourself in your wife's shoes for a minute.

You two aren't getting along, her needs aren't being met, she's not being satisfied sexually you both agree to take a break, she finds a guy that really does it for her and she's into him, to the point that she can't let him go even though you decide to try to work on the marriage.

So it's either this exciting new (presumably happy and positive) guy versus you, weak, crying, depressed and moping around.

Who would most women want to be with in this situation?

Make yourself more attractive to her. You do that by being strong and less attainable. 

Stop crying and start packing. That's my suggestion.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

No matter how thick or how thin you slice it it is still BALONEY.....You wanted a bit of "strange" and talked the wife into taking a "BREAK"....You gambled that your wife wouldn't find anyone, or wouldn't get attached to her bit of "strange"...You loose......

Women grow attached very quickly to men they sleep with...She will keep going back for more unless you take drastic steps to curtail her access......

And she will resent the hell out of you trying to cut her off.....

And she will have every right to be pissed...You were the one who turned a supposedly faithful wife into a cheater, and now you want to take her boy candy away.....You will suffer the consequences...

Don't loose track of your AP...She might have to be your "Plan B"

Good luck
the woodchuck


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Your first instincts are usually your best instincts. You were right to leave her in the first place with your separation idea and it was a mistake to get back together. Do her a favor and leave, file for divorce, and move on.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Not when she's going out drinking alone, meeting up with the OM, and choosing to have sex with him.
> 
> That shows zero commitment to making it work.
> 
> ...


Was she that angry with him for what he did? That has to be addressed.

And the GNOs, etc.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Mark1 said:


> She cheated with the same guy she had the relationship with on our break.
> 
> She has said that she has feelings for him but they are not as strong as the feelings she has for me.
> 
> ...


Everything in Bold is 100 percent Bull. It is trickle truth and she cheated because she wanted to have sex with her OM. You were not even in her mind. And if you were in her mind that should tell you exactly how much the cares for you. The no contact is no true because you just stated they bump into each other. Also have you make 100 percent sure she isn't talking to this man via, email, text, phone. skype, or any other mischievous way that all cheaters do. 
You need to look up the 180 and stop tolerating her with this OM or with any OM. ON the other hand you need to make sure this is what you want 100% because marriage requires 100% in. If you can't get there then get out and move on from this trainwreck. If you are in 100% then you must demand 100% from her. If she can't be 100% then you need to get out.

Demand that she send her OM a no contact letter. Then have her give up her cell phone , email addresses, and any other forms of communication. If there is someplace she know the OM will be then she doesn't need to go there without you. 
And you have to bee a scion of a man right now. You cannot show weakness because it will only make her want to run back to the OM.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Mark1 said:


> Is there any hope of us making it work and coming out in a better relationship? What is the best course of action?


I think the best course would be to put the relationship on hold and examine where both of your heads are. Just you wanting to be with her is not enough. She has to feel the same. You don't want her back just because she was feeling guilty or for nostalgia.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Your first instincts are usually your best instincts. You were right to leave her in the first place with your separation idea and it was a mistake to get back together. Do her a favor and leave, file for divorce, and move on.


Actually, in this case, no. His first instinct was that he decided he wanted a bit of strange and told his wife to get some, too. (Sort of lessens his guilt, donchaknow!)

Then he finds that perhaps strange either wasn't quite what he thought it would be, or strange got all unnecessarily clingy and wanted the dreaded "C" word (commitment) so he ran back to the place where he'd left his wife.

But quelle surprise, she wasn't exactly where he left her. 

This is a real mess. It may end in divorce, yet. But calls of "divorce her! She's a cheat!" ignore the very important fact that the OP is responsible for this entire mess and has to man up and face up to the real enemy of his happiness. Himself...


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> No matter how thick or how thin you slice it it is still BALONEY.....You wanted a bit of "strange" and talked the wife into taking a "BREAK"....You gambled that your wife wouldn't find anyone, or wouldn't get attached to her bit of "strange"...You loose......
> 
> Women grow attached very quickly to men they sleep with...She will keep going back for more unless you take drastic steps to curtail her access......
> 
> ...


I agree. Sounds like he was tired of his AP and expected his wife to be ready to start R on his timeframe. Unfortunately she was smitten by her boy toy and didn't share the same timeline.

I'm struggling to call her actions cheating at this point given the open marriage agreement they had. Maybe her issue is that she needs to pass this phase and lift out of heron fog like he did after his 4 months hiatus. 

Sorry if I sound cynical but people can't just open Pandora's "box" and expect to close the lid and be surprised that another man's d!ck somehow ends up inside there.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, in this case, no. His first instinct was that he decided he wanted a bit of strange and told his wife to get some, too. (Sort of lessens his guilt, donchaknow!)
> 
> Then he finds that perhaps strange either wasn't quite what he thought it would be, or strange got all unnecessarily clingy and wanted the dreaded "C" word (commitment) so he ran back to the place where he'd left his wife.
> 
> ...


He was upfront, breaking up with her before he dated other women.

She dated other men.

She had the option of not getting back to him after the break.

There were no lies . She was free to not get back to him when he wanted her back.

Where the hell is your head at ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> He was upfront, breaking up with her before he dated other women.
> 
> She dated other men.
> 
> ...


My head is at a place where fake marriage breaks to allow "legal cheating" get zero sympathy if things get a little messy in the long run.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Actually, in this case, no. His first instinct was that he decided he wanted a bit of strange and told his wife to get some, too. (Sort of lessens his guilt, donchaknow!)


No, his first instinct was correct. He's not up for marriage, so he should let her move on with minimal fuss. Let's face it, lots of guys really aren't cut out for marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> No, his first instinct was correct. He's not up for marriage, so he should let her move on with minimal fuss. Let's face it, lots of guys really aren't cut out for marriage.


Then he should have divorced her in the first place and not strung her along?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> My head is at a place where fake marriage breaks to allow "legal cheating" get zero sympathy if things get a little messy in the long run.


Define legal cheating...


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Then he should have divorced her in the first place and not strung her along?


Agreed.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

Does not sound like kids are involved... I hope?
If yes, then focus on kids... 
Sounds like not an issue. 
I say you need to get some distance as you really have not been given respect. She can not freely give you respect and see your honor as a man if you allow the betrayal to go unanswered. I know you both have issue, but issue is that a relapse during R is evidence that relationship boundaries are not equal. You need to get yourself space and find time to allow growth and mourn for the loss of your R attempt. I hope and wish you the best of luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Try this line out, practice until it sounds real,

"honey, I just has sex with the hit girl across the street because it would mske me want you more"

"honey, I just had sex with your sister, because it would make me want you more"

"honey, I had sex with Gus down at the Canadian Tire story, because ...."

Seriously. The response to that is universally "really, cause it makes me not want you want you at all, ever"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He broke it, he fixes it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Thank you for all your messages, I have been away last few days with wife so unable to respond.

The situation I am in now is I am a lot stronger and making sure am happy around my wife but there is little change in her feelings.

A few of you have suggested it was my fault and I'm not denying the fact that i started this. The past has happened and I can't change anything, that means not beating myself up about the choice I made, the fact that my wife cheated on me or the fact that she feels the way she does. What I can do, and am trying is to fix the marriage, even if there is a slim chance of it working. I'm a fighter and I'm not giving up in the event of a storm, albeit a scale 10 storm! If it doesn't work out, at least I can say I gave it my best shot. 

We need space, that is obvious and the first step I was going to take it sleeping in separate rooms, spending time on my own in the spare bedroom etc. In your view is this a good step?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Putting space between a couple trying to fix things is rarely a good idea.

Putting space between you is a great way to begin the divorce process.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Space for what? Seeing how it is to start living your lives separately? Separate beds just widens an already yawning chasm, if she's already detached then the only one hanging on will be you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Bad idea, man. Your only hope, and you're right that it is a slim one, is to alpha up* in a major way. If you're not in contact she can't see the new bad ass you that she's losing.






*If you don't know what that entails, the easiest way to find out without me typing for the next hour is to download and read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" off Amazon. It wouldn't hurt to go read Athol's blog, either.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Mark1 said:


> We need space, that is obvious and the first step I was going to take it sleeping in separate rooms, spending time on my own in the spare bedroom etc. In your view is this a good step?


 You both had space when you moved out and agreed that both of you could date during that time. How did that work out for you? Distance between spouses rarely brings them closer. All it does is help level the playing field for the other man.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Bad idea, man. Your only hope, and you're right that it is a slim one, is to alpha up* in a major way. If you're not in contact she can't see the new bad ass you that she's losing.
> 
> *If you don't know what that entails, the easiest way to find out without me typing for the next hour is to download and read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" off Amazon. It wouldn't hurt to go read Athol's blog, either.


*^^^* I skimmed through looking to see if anyone had mentioned this. 
Figures Mach would.

Here's some links to make it that much easier...

MMSL blog:

Blog | Married Man Sex Life

Order the book here:

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: Amazon.com: Kindle Store

This is NOT a "sex" book, per se, but following the "plan" can be life-changing, and it won't matter if your wife wants to stay with you or not - you'll have the confidence to live with her or without her.

Good luck.

.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Thanks for all your advice, its much appreciated. 

I've taken it all in I'm going to stay and try and work it out even if this is the wrong option. I disagree with some of the statements in that I need to man up and leave so she can see what she is missing. Takes more of a man to stay and try and work on it imo. Plus, I'm not into playing games which is what this basically is by leaving and making her miss me. If she can't get to love me for the way I am, than so be it, at least I am myself. I feel good in myself and prepared for the worst.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

ubercoolpanda said:


> You've already left her once. I'm guessing she's scared you might leave again, that's why she's having doubts about staying with you.
> 
> Who did she cheat with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was about to post this.

OP you sort of destroyed the marriage in her eyes. She is trying to protect herself emotionally. 

It's a different dynamic than the usual cheating posts because she probably was feeling like your marriage was being held together with tape.


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## Mark1 (May 1, 2013)

Thanks Sinnister, 

I just hope in time she will learn to feel safe again.


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