# Libido Problems



## Virginia Patricia (Aug 14, 2012)

My husband cannot get an erection, I feel so bad for him. I've not pushed him for sex I've acted like I don't care it doesn't matter and I'm not interested because I don't want to hurt his feelings or push him. But then I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach that he thinks I don't love him. We have a huge problem with communication. I probably should talk to him about it but I fear I would embarass him. Not sure what to do and by the way his problem stems from poor health. I want to be a good wife. Does anyone have any suggestions?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you ever had sex with him? 

Can he ever get an erection?

Have you discussed going to the doctor, Viagra, etc?

Does he masturbate a lot?

Do you have any sexual relationship with him?

What is his "poor health" (expand).

If your communication is already bad, ignoring the problem or not talking about it is going to make it even worse.

You owe it to both of you to confront any problems.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

#1, do not pretend that you're not interested. This is death to marriage.

#2, try doing it first thing in the morning.

It's not clear from your post, are you young? And is this a new marriage? Or are you a more established couple and this is a new problem?


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Virginia Patricia (Aug 14, 2012)

Ok sorry I'm not clear we have been married for 32 years. He has had two heart attacks been on lots of meds for that. Also a type 2 diabetic. 
I'm just not bringing up sex I guess is the better way to put it. If he isn't then I'm not going to pressure him. At least I don't feel like I should. I love him and hope I'm not making matters worse.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Virginia Patricia said:


> Ok sorry I'm not clear we have been married for 32 years. He has had two heart attacks been on lots of meds for that. Also a type 2 diabetic.
> I'm just not bringing up sex I guess is the better way to put it. If he isn't then I'm not going to pressure him. At least I don't feel like I should. I love him and hope I'm not making matters worse.


Diabetes and, presumably, high blood pressure are well known for causing ED, as are the meds used to treat it. This is something that is usually fixable, but you both need to communicate about it in order to do so.

I don't think that ignoring the problem is kind to either of you, and I would gently address the problem asap, OP.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Anything else he might be able to do, like go down on you. He should at least want to satisfy you in some way. However, if you tell him you are not interested, he will not try.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

You are handling it the right way. You can't force a man to have an erection, you can't whine or nag him into having one (although many women seem to think you can) Sometimes the sex stops in a marriage and the last thing a man wants is to be reminded of is the fact he can't perform and him attempting 'mercy sex" only goes further in reminding him he can't perform so don't expect him to so that either. Just let it go...you've been married a long time and at this age you can get along with just masturbation. Leaving him because he can't functionally sexually would be a very cruel betrayal of all those years of marriage.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mr B said:


> You are handling it the right way. You can't force a man to have an erection, you can't whine or nag him into having one (although many women seem to think you can) Sometimes the sex stops in a marriage and the last thing a man wants is to be reminded of is the fact he can't perform and him attempting 'mercy sex" only goes further in reminding him he can't perform so don't expect him to so that either. Just let it go...you've been married a long time and at this age you can get along with just masturbation. Leaving him because he can't functionally sexually would be a very cruel betrayal of all those years of marriage.


I totally disagree with this advice. The OP's H needs to explore every avenue available to him to try to fix his ED, not sentence his wife to celibacy. There are other ways for him to pleasure his wife without penetrative sex, and advising her that 'mercy sex' would be "reminding him" of his problem, and that "at this age" she should simply masturbate is dismissive and unhelpful.

Women have needs, too, and I doubt that you'd be giving this advice to a man. Before giving up on physical intimacy, the problem needs to be addressed, not rug swept. 

ED is a common problem and is often fixable. Even if it isn't, physical intimacy can still be extremely rewarding for both parties, but communication is vital.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Indeed. What would you suggest to a man if this were his situation? If the wife was unable to perform? Would you suggest he stay and settle with rosey palm and her five friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I would suggest discussing it OP. You two can work through this issue together and find out what works for both of you. See a doc, sex therapist, ect.. whatever helps... and let him know you don't want him to be embarrassed about it. you can tell him that you would love for him to be able to confide in you and trust you .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

When a guy can't function sexually, if his penis no longer works then mercy sex is not going to happen. For men sex is all about erection and orgasm. If that can't happen he isn't interested in anything else. Indeed, like I said all an attempt at other kinds of non penetrative sex does is remind him of what he can no longer do and this makes any other kind of sex stressful and unpleasant. Women don't understand this because for them it is the intimacy part of sex where they get most of their satisfaction. This is simply not the case with men especially if their sense of their own masculinity has taken an enormous hit.

But hey, don't take my word for it. Let's get an update from the O.P. a year from now and if things have improved I'll be happy to change my tune on this. But don't hold your breath.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Actually mr b, some women understand this perfectly well and if you think that a woman wouldn't feel the same if she we unable to perform your sadly mistaken. This would be a huge blow to a womans ego as well. Believe it or not... some women care about their man and love being able to stroke his ego. I'm sure there are other ways she can do this... and hey... wouldn't it mean something to the man if his woman stayed by his side and tried her damn hardest to make him feel like a man.. regardless of the issue?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mr B said:


> When a guy can't function sexually, if his penis no longer works then mercy sex is not going to happen. For men sex is all about erection and orgasm. If that can't happen he isn't interested in anything else. Indeed, like I said all an attempt at other kinds of non penetrative sex does is remind him of what he can no longer do and this makes any other kind of sex stressful and unpleasant. Women don't understand this because for them it is the intimacy part of sex where they get most of their satisfaction. This is simply not the case with men especially if their sense of their own masculinity has taken an enormous hit.
> 
> But hey, don't take my word for it. Let's get an update from the O.P. a year from now and if things have improved I'll be happy to change my tune on this. But don't hold your breath.


I understand how devastating ED can be to a man, but I also know how devastating it can be to his partner/spouse. I don't believe in giving up on something without trying to fix it, and I don't think a couple should be deprived of all intimacy because of ED.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If you read enough stories on sites like this one about sexless marriages where the man is refusing to have sex for whatever reason you will see that it is not just an unwillingness to engage in any kind of non penetrative mercy sex that women complain about. Most say their man has stopped almost all intimacy outside the bedroom too. For many sexually dysfunctional men ANY kind of intimacy, from holding hands to kissing to an arm around the shoulder while watching TV is seen as a slippery slope to sex and a reminder of his sexual difficulties and so they stop any shows of affection other than the odd hug or peck on the cheek. And in the long run it is this out of the bedroom intimacy that wives often miss even more than the sex.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> For many sexually dysfunctional men ANY kind of intimacy, from holding hands to kissing to an arm around the shoulder while watching TV is seen as a slippery slope to sex and a reminder of his sexual difficulties and so they stop any shows of affection other than the odd hug or peck on the cheek. And in the long run it is this out of the bedroom intimacy that wives often miss even more than the sex.


Exactly. That is why I suggested professional help before it reaches that stage.


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