# 7 years since separation/divorce



## Goobertron

I've been on here for a bit over 7 years. I have never posted but I do enjoy reading the various threads. I'm a guy in my early 40's. 7 years ago I was concerned about my marriage and so I joined up.

My marriage was actually a pretty happy one. My wife told me she loved me every day except the last day we were together. We rarely argued at all and had sex regularly. She always told me she was happy and satisfied. She initiated sex with me on the last night before she kicked me out and said she would miss it. A few months prior to the split she was telling people at a party that we were really happy together and had never been happier.

My wife and I got introduced to World of Warcraft (WoW). Where as I only played it every now and then (due to work, study, child commitments, family life etc.) my wife became obsessed and stopped working, showering, getting out of her pyjamas, cleaning, cooking meals, shopping or even attempting to keep the same hours as me and our child who had just started school at the time.

She met a bunch of "nice guys" on WoW who were sending her items for her to craft and send back. They were in other countries and were encouraging her to go on Skype, MySpace and FaceBook. Many of her messages to/from them were kind of flirty. I reminded her she needed to set boundaries but empathised with her desire to talk to people and be part of a peer group. 

I asked her to find a part-time job and try to moderate playing the game. When she didn't do that I asked her to quit which kind of brought things to an ultimatum situation because she quit, acted totally miserable and seemed dangerously depressed. I became worried for her mental state, so I said "well if you're going to be that miserable play again but in moderation".

I remember catching the bus home after work (I had sold my car for money), buying and carrying/walking our shopping home to cook dinner for us and looking over her shoulder and she was messaging some guy (in her pyjamas) that she was going to "kick him (me) out in two weeks". I was shocked, very curious and devastated about it and asked her if she meant what she wrote. She kept saying she didn't write that and that I was mistaken but I know what she wrote because I stared at those words stunned for a moment which seemed to linger forever. 

I then joined up on the TAM forums and read about online EAs. I'd already encountered people who'd experienced it. I wanted to find a strategy to win her back initially or at least read about anyone else's experience which was like mine and there was a lot of material including possible strategies such as the 180 etc and I remember being completely blown away. I felt like I'd never compete with her romantic fantasy because she was treating me like the boring husband/provider, or even as the parent and she was the teenager.

Then two weeks later she kicked me out. I remember begging her to rethink and she was literally turning her back to me. I logged onto her email and WoW and intercepted message exchanges between her and a gentleman who later moved country to be her new husband. They now have a couple of little kids of their own. Apparently she no longer plays the game as she doesn't have the time anymore, but he does.

None of her family or even our friends believed me when I told them all about what she was doing (many by texts I would rather forget  ). I actually don't speak to hardly any of our mutual friends anymore because of all the general negativity sent around about me as a cover story for her activities. 

Now when I pick up my own kid it's pretty chaotic over at her house. Our kid looks after his siblings. She gives him guilt trips about wanting to spend more time with me even if it's to do school work. I ended up buying my own house nearby where as they apparently have money problems, which means they block my attempts to have my kid more because they need the baby-sitting money. It's a shame because he's about to start high-school and I'm the only parent who finished high-school (and went onto tertiary level with a post-graduate degree now).

She often uses her partner for pickups/drop offs. It kind of bugs me sometimes as I'm trying to have a business-like relationship with her, not her partner. 

Now I'm thinking I'd like to move on and remarry. I've had two relationships in the last 7 years. I've tried online dating but never even kissed a girl/lady from it. Women might find me too conciliatory, for me it can feel kind of contrived and a bit nerve wracking. I probably need to be more flirty, impulsive, making moves or something or maybe there's just a lot of flaky people on the internet and I'm as bad as they are. 

Recently however, I was offered by a lady I emotionally like a lot and am attracted to, if I'd consider trying to move in with her and her kids (be a step-dad). Part of me would like to be part of a family again. I get sick of being alone in my own house all the time, but then part of me feels like I'm kind of losing all my stuff, my independence and identity to be part of something. 

The kids come first and I've got one too. Her kids are loud and have a lot of drama though, mine's quiet and considerate (easy parenting). I do care about her a lot though, we've been on and off for years now. After reading forums on here I wondered how I might cope and generally about moving on from being on my own. If you've got any advice let me know.


----------



## EleGirl

If you want to consider moving in with her, it would be wise for both of you to look into some things about step parenting. It can be quite hard to deal with. There are some very good books on the topic. Reading them might help you two discuss the topic and come to some agreements before you two move in together.

How do you get along with her children? How old are they? How often do they see you and spend time with you around.


----------



## Goobertron

A daughter who is 11 and a son who is 8.


----------



## Goobertron

Saw her about 6 weeks ago but believe it or not its easy to get wrapped up with ones' own concerns. I've changed jobs, I'm ambitious kind of thing.


----------



## Goobertron

I feel like I need to step up (and she would like me to move in at some stage) or back off completely. She kind of limits communication with me a lot now and has started minimal responses using text etc. I think she wants me to make an effort to go spend time with her and the kids rather than just text. I've had a lot on lately and I've invited them to things but its been some weeks now since I've gone over there.


----------



## Goobertron

I've been down there a few times over the weeks since my earlier posts now. Last night though I had a return of the feeling of a panic attack from years ago. I drove home late after helping clean and cook and had problems sleeping.

I was over at her place and she has two kids: a girl 11 and a boy 8. The 11 year old girl is just throwing tantrums, refusing to do small tasks that might take moments, talking back, interrupting, making derogatory remarks. I'm cleaning and tidying up for something to do. At one stage I'm talking to her mum and she comes up and interrupts to do a whole "pinch and a punch for the first day of the month" routine on me but there were like 5 or 6 of those similar things in a row, stomping on my foot, pinching, punching etc. So I jokingly said afterward, "Why don't you just say a slap in the face for being a disgrace!" and then she slapped me in the face (lightly) in front of her mum, who told her off.

The night was full of constant annoyances and need to monitor her behaviour, with the daughter being difficult to either the mum or the son or me. At one stage the mum told her to go to her room for refusing to do things and being rude and she wouldn't. She started running around the room, giggling inanely while her mother tried to catch her. I did begin to lose my temper a bit at that point and said "come on!" and walked her out of the room by walking behind her but made no contact. 

She went to her room then but when she came out she says "Mummy, I want to sit next to you at the dinner table" (ie. displacing me from sitting next to my girlfriend). Even though she had refused to help at all up until then, she starts setting the table etc so she controls where everyone sits and her mum and I are seated diagonally across from each other. She just thought of it as a way to gain power over the situation by separating us or something.

It kinda pissed me off. I felt like my hands were a little shaky during various times of the night. Home life there is a day to day challenge.

Then after we finally had dinner and got the kids to bed I helped clean up. The lady I've been seeing had already told me she had her period and was a bit worked up, then tells me that she thinks she might be pregnant in a flippant, happy fashion but is quite serious. (I always use protection.) I think my jaw fell open at that point. I just felt really stressed out, like I had to get out of there and drove home and couldn't sleep.

My own son from my first marriage is 14. He's a great kid, very considerate of others, we get on really well and enjoy eachother's company. To see someone's child bully them and her family members like that just seems so wrong, it almost feels like emotional abuse. To live with someone like that isn't something I'd want for me or my well natured son.


----------



## Hope Shimmers

I think you should put your focus on your 14 year old son. 

You don't sound all that enamored with this new woman and her family, and you sure don't need the hassle of her difficult kids. That will just split your time and attention that would be better directed at your own son, in my opinion. Don't let your ex-"wife" restrict how much time you have with him (assuming that is your legal right).

Your ex-"wife" (I put that in quotes as she certainly wasn't much of a wife in any respect) did not put any priority to your son, or to your marriage. If you now put your focus on step-children, I think you risk that your son will feel lost in the shuffle. He deserves to be first in someone's life, and that is you (because it won't ever be his mom). He only has a handful of years before he is out on his own and is an adult. Don't let those years pass you by. Focus on HIM. You won't ever regret it.


----------



## TeddieG

I raised step-children, and I agree with Hope. I don't have children of my own, but my h's kids sucked SO much time and energy out of my life and heart. Don't get me wrong, i love them, but his two oldest are SO judgmental of him, and the three younger ones have caused us grief, heartache, and cost us a lot of money. Your new friend may not be managing her daughter because of guilt about the broken marriage and the overwhelming nature of raising two kids by herself. 

Your wife really messed up your family's very pleasant existence. For the life of me, I will never figure out why people blow up a happy family just for the drama. My ex is now a stepfather for the first time in his life, and while he loves OW's kids, only the youngest one is still in the home and he is starting to be SO rebellious, a fact that h has noted and at times resented. But as a friend of mine recently said, my h has no testicles and follows OW around like a puppy and does as she says with the hopes of pleasing her (a losing proposition), so if he HAD any testicles he wouldn't keep them long (but if he wanted to keep them, he'd have to leave her, which isn't likely to happen).


----------

