# Separated 1 week - how to be...



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Hello ... I already posted a venting post in the inappropriate place (the Mens Clubhouse) Sorry about that.. anyway..

Perhaps a few of the same people who posted will have some advice on how to behave during this new separation. Here are some of the quick facts.

Married 1 year
Together for 2
Knew each other in High school 25 years ago
Me 43
Him 44
No kids at home - all grown up.

We are currently separated and its been about a week now. I want to save my marriage, but we were being so hostile to each other I moved about 4 hours north with my family to let things settle down and see if we can work on ourselves and salvage things. There is no affair. There has been alcohol abuse and passive aggressive behavior on his part - I am not exactly patient or meek and we will and do verbally engage and it has been up and down. This is made worse by the fact that we havent had any sex or affectionate intimacy in about 9 months. 

The reasons we are separated are very clear to both of us. I want to save our marriage and love him very much. My question is , now that we have decided to separate.. how do I act or react when now he is stonewalling me, not calling or texting. Maybe he is giving me the 180.. I don't know. He said he would call me last night and didn't... and is basically giving me the cyber cold shoulder. I saw that he was on FB last night so I know he is alive and has his phone. He ALWAYS has his phone in his hand. So I know this is on purpose. My instinct is to totally ignore him and give HIM the complete 180. Does he miss me after 1 week yet? I miss him.


----------



## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I know its difficult in the beginning, but hey its just a week.

The reasons for separation are very clear to both of you, what are those reasons??


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

We havent gone more than a 10 days before having a conflict. I am not reacting well to being rejected sexually, ignored, stonewalled. He is currently sober 56 days and has said things to me like I don't know HOW to love or show affection. I have not been patient and I have in the past 9 months demanded solutions, conversations, reasons. Obviously, this makes it worse and he has further withdrawn. He reverts to passive aggresive behavior like forgetting things he knows I needed or asked for. When I ask him to please come to bed with me so we can catch up and spend time together.. he will refuse and say he isn't tired yet. When the point is not to go to sleep but to be intimate - not even sex. I have been concerned about his health because he is almost 100 pounds overweight and has high BP so I am the one trying to get him into his Dr. appts which he will then miss or reschedule. This has been going on for months. I can't and shouldn't be his mother and I have unfortunatly slid into this mode. 

I realized that I needed to get away not only to provide some space and peace for him but for myself as well. When I left we said we love each other, that this isn't the end of our marriage by any means. But we can't see the forest for the trees. 

We have been in MC- took personality tests that showed I was basically "normal" and he had many areas that "needed work" we answered the tests for ourselves and for each other and they were dead on. My counseler said I truly seem to know who my husband is and he seems to have a good grasp on me too. Sometimes I feel like his protective walls are up so high and thick - and for the last 9 months I have been on the outside trying to pound the down and break in. Obviously this doesn't work and I need work on how to deal with this. I have never had to - my family is so close and open. We hug and love and show affection and share feelings. 

Thank you Alpha for the probing questions. If he was posting here he would likely say this about me. That I require and want a high level of intimacy that he isn't capable of that. He can never do anything right and I will never be satisfied with anything. That I drive him crazy trying to talk about problems.
He says these things to me too but then follows it up with : you deserve those things, you aren't asking for too much. I don't know if he REALLY doesn't know how or is just lazy in relationships.


----------



## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Alpha...can you give me any advice about how I should behave towards him when he is starting this separation out with the cyber cold shoulder?


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are "normal"...what would that mean? You are married to an alcoholic, and judging from your posts, you have been an enabler and codependent, trying to fix him. 

If there is an Al Anon meeting in your area, it might be good to connect with others and begin to deal with your own issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Is he going to AA? sober 56 days? heck he's facing some demons that he has been running from for a LONG time, your going to have to be patient with it all. Its got to be overwhelming all by itself.

Did you set your separation dates, or make some ground rules for the separation. If you didn't, then your already making mistakes. You cant fix him, you can only fix the things your doing that are NOT helping the situation. Right now i'd seek some independent therapy and address yourself, give it some time, and maybe he'll be willing to go to marriage counseling. If he's 100 pounds overweight, than he knows that and probably doesn't have much self confidence right now, and the drinking has masked that. 

Give him some more time to address his issues, he cant fix everything right now, its a slow and steady program. If he's addressing the alcoholism, you know he's at least making an effort at change, be happy he's taking the first steps. I hope your texts are of encouragement at the progress, without the pressure of doing it all right now. Be supportive as it will only show your love for him, he'll remember it, and be thankful for it when the time comes. Even if he doesn't understand it all right now.

I'd recommend a supportive text per day, with no other stings attached for the time being. Don't make it about you, or "us", if its gonna work out, he's got to take these baby steps first. You cant fix this yourself, but you can make it worse.

If only I could go back to the first week of separation and do it all over again!!! If you want to make this work, don't make the mistakes of added pressure this early.

Good luck


----------



## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

People tried to ask you questions in the other thread but you were stubborn and uncooperative.


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Is he going to AA? sober 56 days? heck he's facing some demons that he has been running from for a LONG time, your going to have to be patient with it all. Its got to be overwhelming all by itself.
> 
> Did you set your separation dates, or make some ground rules for the separation. If you didn't, then your already making mistakes. You cant fix him, you can only fix the things your doing that are NOT helping the situation. Right now i'd seek some independent therapy and address yourself, give it some time, and maybe he'll be willing to go to marriage counseling. If he's 100 pounds overweight, than he knows that and probably doesn't have much self confidence right now, and the drinking has masked that.
> 
> ...


Great advice. :iagree:


----------

