# Sad



## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

My husband is an extrovert, I am an introvert. He loves talking to people and I have a problem even starting a conversation with anyone.

Before I met him he had a e mail relationship going with a married woman he met on a gaming website. 

About a year into our relationship he left his e mail open, he was out in the backyard and I went into our room and noticed an e mail from a woman calling him Baby and Sweetie. I freaked out and told him under no circumstances was it appropriate and it needed to stop or I would leave. He said sorry and ok.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and he asked me to read something on his facebook page as he is having eye trouble. He clicked on the private message section by mistake and I saw that he and her were flirting back and forth. One particular sentence flew out at me from him to her which said Talk later Sugar, you are always with me. It felt like the end of the world to me. I have not slept well since and cannot stop thinking about him typing those words to her. He claims he used the wrong wording, blah, blah, blah. He cannot understand the meaning of an emotional affair. He took her off his friends list. Then a few days ago I noticed he accepted her back on his list. I really got upset and told him you obviously care more about her feelings than mine. Darned Facebook, that site sure has caused problems by the posts on this forum!

He has been way to close to married women at work in my opinion and I've let him know that but still he cannot understand why it upsets me. He has since retired and once in awhile he will get a text from one of these women saying Happy Birthday or something like that which is ok. I cannot expect him to drop friendships he has had for 30 years.

He has since deactivated his facebook account. His loss, now he cannot see pics of his relatives, etc. 

He does have her e mail so I do not know if they are e mailing or not. He has cut way back on his computer use I have noticed and feels terrible, treating me like a queen, all over me, telling me he is sorry and he does not deserve such a sweet wife, on and on but it still hits me sometimes that he called another woman Sugar and said you are always with me. He is supposed to talk to me like that, not another woman.

An I overreacting?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

No, you are not overreacting.He is way out of line.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thank you. I feel the same way. To me he has been unfaithful and he just does not see it that way.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No, you are NOT overreacting. Honestly, I think there is more you can do. This woman should NOT be getting the cute little nicknames. Those are for YOU. He needs to completely remove her. Remove her email address and everything. And you most certainly CAN expect him to drop 30 year friendships. If those friendships come between you and him, they don't belong. My husband's EA was with a friend we knew for about 4 years, online only. She got mad when we chose to cut contact, but my husband agreed it was more important to keep his WIFE than a "friend". He was calling her "sexy" and "beautiful"... and couldn't even remember when he had last called ME that. So, yea, you most certainly can end a years long friendship, if that friendship is detrimental to your marriage.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thank you for your input. I know in my heart he should end these friendships. Sometimes I think I am a pushover and I get mad at myself. I need to put my foot down more.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

DiZ said:


> Thank you. I feel the same way. To me he has been unfaithful and he just does not see it that way.



Of course he does not. He is a cheater, after all, and those folks have little introspection or honesty.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

DiZ, he is in an emotional affair with that woman. No "friend" of his would say those things, and you already know this.



> Talk later Sugar, you are always with me.


This sentence is amazing. It is only 8 words long, but it encapsulates their relationship perfectly. Their relationship:

Has been going on for some time.

Never stopped (for more than a few hours / days) after you discovered it.

It is private and secret and hidden from you.

They discuss his marriage with you and your shortcomings and how you don't understand him.

He tells her what a terrific listener she is and how glad he is he has someone to confide in.


----------------

Now, some novices might say, how do we KNOW this is an emotional affair? Well, the tipoffs are: 

1. It is secret. He KNOWS he is doing something wrong--something that you most certainly would never approve of or accept. So he must keep it hidden from you.

2. AFTER you discovered it the first time, he didn't break it off. This means that even though he KNOWS it is wrong (see #1), AND he knows this is very hurtful and painful to you, HE'S NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BREAK IT OFF. A/k/a, he doesn't want to end it. It is TOO rewarding, too beautiful a fantasy, and waaay too much fun.


You can see now how you made the classic rookie mistake. Nearly every betrayed spouse confronts almost instantly upon discovering evidence of an inappropriate relationship. Why do we do that? Well, we're operating under the old rules of our marriage. We HATE it when they're late, or when they drive the car until the gas tank is nearly empty and don't refill it. So what did you do? You sat them down and said, PLEASE don't do this again.

However, this type of confrontation doesn't work for affairs. They are powerful habits, powerful compulsions, powerful fantasies. Be aware that more likely than not, your husband either has not ended this relationship, and has taken it more deeply underground; or, in a moment of weakness, will start this relationship right up where it left off sometime in the future.

Here is what you have to do:
--request that he write a letter of no contact to her (forms are on this site) that you deliver certified mail

--expose her (without warning your husband first) to her husband; your husband is going to supply you with her contact information so you can (without telling your husband) research her and figure out a way to tell her husband without her intercepting that information

--you need to request total transparency--you are going to have to monitor the computer to make sure he doesn't have a secret email account, or skype, or facebook, or that he doesn't use his current email to contact her; or that he doesn't use his phone in this way, or that he doesn't call or text her.

Transparency isn't something permanent; it is a transition. (But don't tell him that.) Transparency serves several purposes. It:
--eases your anxiety
--gives him a chance to prove his desire to reconcile with you
--gives him some time to 'detox,' i.e., withdraw from his powerful compulsion to maintain a relationship with her.

You are going to have to think long and hard about what the consequences will be in the event you discover for a THIRD TIME that he is in contact with her. He is going to need a dash of ice cold water to wake him up to reality. Your disapproval is almost surely not enough.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

P.S. Get yourself a copy of the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Thank you so much for all your input. I really appreciate first knowing that I am not wrong in how I feel. Second it helps to understand why on earth he feels that he is doing nothing wrong. It almost feels like he has a metal plate in his head that deflects everything I say to him. When we first met I felt he was perfect. That happens in all relationships I guess, they are such Romeo's when you meet, best foot forward and all that. Then when they snag you they turn into duds. I do not understand that either. What you see is what you get with me, I act the same way now that I did when we first met. He pursued me like you would not believe. That is another thing I don't get. If they are going to have all these flirtations why bother trying to snag a woman? Why not just go on with these flirty relationships and forget being with someone? I will never get men.:scratchhead:


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is my two dollar bill's worth. Moving forward I would say that both of you need to be open with PW's, internet accounts, text messages, etc. Make it part of your moving forward plan. No text messages get deleted and each other can check the other's accounts at a moments notice. Make a list of all your accounts and share the PW's. Also no secret accounts. The more open you are the more unlikely these things will happen again. Sure, anyone can open up a secret account and if he wants to continue this relationship he will find a way.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

DiZ said:


> If they are going to have all these flirtations why bother trying to snag a woman? Why not just go on with these flirty relationships and forget being with someone? I will never get men.:scratchhead:


Neediness and a constant desire for validation from the opposite sex is unfortunately not confined to one gender or the other. You will see plenty of examples of women on these boards who have these traits.

The answer, in both situations, is a chronic hole in their hearts that one spouse simply can't fill.

The solution to the problem, in both cases, is counseling to identify why these people think it's appropriate to fulfill their needs outside of marriage; but in the case of serial betrayers like your husband, WHY they have such a huge, un-fillable hole.

It may be the case through marriage counseling and books like The 5 Love Languages, His Needs / Her Needs, and Love Busters that you may identify ways of meeting each others needs that are big improvements over the past.

But whenever I see someone--like your husband--trying to fill the need from multiple directions at once--this is an indicator that a little soul-searching isn't going to be anywhere nearly enough.

Don't stop until you find out:
what his needs (and your needs) are from a marriage
why is he so needy that the marriage is never enough
can he be fixed, or is he too broken


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Some history: His first wife left him for another woman and left him to bring up their two babies. He did an awesome job bringing up his two kids who have turned out to be good people. I am sure that left some kind of a hole in his heart and I imagine her leaving him for another woman made him feel horrible and was a huge blow to the ego. This was in 1978 when being gay was not accepted as much as it is today.

Second wife died of cancer in 2002. They dated for 6 years and she pressured him into marriage. His kids resented her so he was probably in the middle of some kind of tug of war. He took care of her when she was sick.

I met him in 2008. I was widowed after a 23 yr. marriage and alone for 12. Things happened very quickly between us. 

Your post really has me thinking. Thank you.:smthumbup:


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

This may sound strange but the thing that has helped me cope is my dog. I have a chocolate lab who is the best dog in the world. Today I was crying and he laid his beautiful head on my knee and looked up at me with all the understanding in the world in his eyes. I know it sounds weird but I felt a lot better after that.:smthumbup:


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> No, you are NOT overreacting. Honestly, I think there is more you can do. This woman should NOT be getting the cute little nicknames. Those are for YOU. He needs to completely remove her. Remove her email address and everything. And you most certainly CAN expect him to drop 30 year friendships. If those friendships come between you and him, they don't belong. My husband's EA was with a friend we knew for about 4 years, online only. She got mad when we chose to cut contact, but my husband agreed it was more important to keep his WIFE than a "friend". He was calling her "sexy" and "beautiful"... and couldn't even remember when he had last called ME that. So, yea, you most certainly can end a years long friendship, if that friendship is detrimental to your marriage.


He called me Sugar a lot and I told him if he ever calls me that again I will throw up in his shoes.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

DiZ said:


> This may sound strange but the thing that has helped me cope is my dog. I have a chocolate lab who is the best dog in the world. Today I was crying and he laid his beautiful head on my knee and looked up at me with all the understanding in the world in his eyes. I know it sounds weird but I felt a lot better after that.:smthumbup:


He better not be cheating on you with the person next door! :rofl:

No, it's not weird at all. You will always be the center of his world, and his loyalty is totally unconditional. And yes, you DESERVE that love!


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

Funny. I keep thinking my sweet dog is the only being that has never broken my heart or disappointed me. He'd better leave that little hussy poodle next door alone. LOL:lol:


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

Just my 2 cents~ FB is a cheaters heaven, forget the one you caught...make him quit 100% and all the games!! Find that man a better hobby....like toe nail painting on U!! Or get him a bike and make him ride 10miles a day and u join him!!
Mouse


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

LoveMouse said:


> Just my 2 cents~ FB is a cheaters heaven, forget the one you caught...make him quit 100% and all the games!! Find that man a better hobby....like toe nail painting on U!! Or get him a bike and make him ride 10miles a day and u join him!!
> Mouse


You got that right Mouse. I hate facebook, I have an account but I behave myself on it. No more games. Funny you should mention a bike, he has dusted his off and we go for rides every night!:smthumbup:


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