# Unplanned pregnancy and I am scared (father)



## y3zalman

Recently my wife has told me that she is pregnant(4weeks) with our second child. As it is an unplanned child I have a very weird feeling, I am scared, shocked, worried and most of all 'Is my life dedicated to my kids and wife now' feeling? When we had our first child I was not working but we still managed to get through everything very well. 

Now, I have been working for about a year and before my wife got pregnant I was thinking of doing something and buying things for myself, it may sound selfish but all I ask myself is, what about my small dreams. Most of what I will earn will go for taking care of the second child + paying for the first child's school. 

Its very depressing+sad for me when I see my friends & colleagues doing what they enjoy and on the other hand, my life is all about work, coming home and giving time to wife & daughter by taking them out & same thing over during weekends. I love sporting but it is totally compromised now. My wife is a total control freak and even If I am playing a video game she will sit behind me and keep interfering with what I am doing. The moment I tell my wife and I also need time for myself, that is an open invitation to a big argument about how bad I am and she will paint me with being irresponsible and not doing my duty. Will I be ever able to do what I want?


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## Unique Username

Grow up.

So, you were NOT working and your wife was when you had your first child and "we managed to get through very well" 
REALLY - you mean YOU got through it okay.....was SHE working to support you and your child and you weren't? When you weren't working and she was, did you assume the responsibility of all child care and household chores? Or were you playing video games and claiming you were looking for a job?

NOW you've been working for a year and are whining that since YOU and your wife made a baby (not immaculate conception) you won't be able to buy your toys and your "small dreams" are shot.
Poor you. 
Dude, you need to be taking care of saving for retirement, college for the kids and paying off your mortgage. Make sure you are saving money and all things are taken care of before you spend cash on toys for yourself. Only been working for a year, look at the economy are you in a financial position to be able to do those things?
Seriously, you got married and had a baby. Now you are having a sibling for your daughter. 

Watch this movie Courageous. Learn how to be the Head of your household. 
Watch Courageous Online | 2011 Movie | Yidio

Being married and especially being a Father entails compromise.
Your first priority should be your Family. Being sad and depressed about seeing your friends & colleagues doing what they enjoy -- You'll never be happy if you are always looking to keep up with the Joneses. 

You want sport - find a Family friendly sport. Or find a sporting place, like a country club or YMCA where you can play your sports yet your wife has things to do as well and so do your kids. Or join a sport that your family can watch you perform. You get your time alone when you are practicing with the team and the family comes to the games (as in softball) I don't know what sports you want to do. Choose one that can dovetail with being a husband and father.
Water sports are fun for the whole family. Save up and get a boat during the winter when they are cheap. Get creative.
Bikes for the family.
You will be much more grateful as you get older, having spent time with your family. Being a Daddy to your daughter and to your unborn baby.

You want more YOU time. Stop being selfish and whiny and punkish. Control freak wife - yeah right. Bet she is simply expecting you to be the husband and father you promised to be.
Get smart, find something that your wife would enjoy doing and support her in that - yoga, Prenatal exercise, book club whatever. Giver her a break from being Mommy. Let HER have some time away from being your caregiver/homemaker/mommy to daughter/working adult.
Then find something that your daughter can do at this same time - or see if a family member can babysit. Then when wife is at her thing - voila you can be at your thing/sport.
OR you watch and have alone time with your daughter while Mommy is at her thing. Then she gets alone time with daughter when you are at your thing.
You aren't a single dude who can do as he pleases with no responsibilities. That's the simple truth. Maybe change how you VIEW it. Rather than mourn those "small dreams" embrace new ones. Redefine yourself. Find the solution that makes you happy, but not at the expense of your wife and daughter and baby on the way.

You said your job will go to paying for school of your daughter and the 2nd child. Yeah, so? Sounds like your wife's income is supporting your household and your income is secondary, paying for only those things. Maybe this whining has more to do with your self-esteem for not being the major breadwinner. Perhaps if you were the major breadwinner then your wife wouldn't feel exhausted and angry about you sitting on your butt playing video games?

I get your frustration about losing self. Think about how women feel when they become Mothers. Most of us erase the feelings of loss of self by turning those energies into being the best parent we can.

You need to take a serious agonizing reappraisal of your attitude and your responsibilities. "Will I ever be able to do what I want?" (um maybe, but you have to take care of business first.) Are you pulling your weight? Are you doing your share? Make sure you are. Then find something you can do to make your wife happy at a thing she enjoys - give HER time away from you and your daughter and work. Do that for a little bit and I bet she is much more likely to say hey, thanks so much for thinking about me and my stresses, I get it. And would be more likely to facilitate YOUR doing something for yourself.


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## mablenc

Sorry but, the life you want is of an unmarried teenager who can play all day and no responsibilities. I'm asuming your colleagues are single or child free? Stop comparing yourself to them. You have a family and if you want to buy more stuff for you, then save money or work on getting a better paying job. I'm sure your wife would stop nagging if you manned up and she saw the adult in you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Maybe parenthood and marriage isn't for you?

I'd be pretty ticked off at you if you were my husband.


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## CantePe

Come back to me when you have 5 kids that may not have been planned but are certainly wanted. Suck it up buttercup, this is what being a mature adult is all about.


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## Hicks

IF you are a married man and having sex with your wife, then you should reasonable expect her to become pregnant. Even in the era of birth control accidents happen.

Every day you can focus on the negative, or cherish the positive.
And if there is not enough positive, you as a man and a father need to create some.


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## COGypsy

We're all a product of our choices. Whether you chose to have a child or chose not to prevent having a child, you're on the path now. I completely sympathize with you. I can't imagine the havok a baby or even a kid would wreak on my life. Perhaps consider how you can prevent this quandary in the future?


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## justdance4me

I agree with several posters, I will never have a child (well I should never say 100% never) but 99.9% sure its never going to happen. I envy those able to have children but I don't regret choosing my partner. 

Being married comes with responsibilities and yes people do need some "me" time, your wife and child are your numero uno first priority.


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## betulanana

In your other post you mentioned your wife beats your daughter and threatened to cut her fingers. Is she still doing that?


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## betulanana

Another question: did your wife plan the pregnancy? Would you call the pregnancy unplanned or rather unwanted? Do the both of you have some family members who could help sometimes?


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## y3zalman

I will try to sum up all the questions and comments in one post.

During our first child...No, she did not bear all the expenses or my expenses. Those days i worked but it was pretty on & off so i wouldn't call it a job, and most of it has been used to take care of the first child. Yes, I do understand my responsibility that's why I never had this feelings towards our first child. 

Thank you betulanana for following the posts. This is another concern for me that when I am not home she will take her mood swings on our daughter. Yes we do have relatives but when it comes to taking care, they are not so reliable. The baby was not planned from either side.

Unique Username, I understand your perspective but that is not all true & correct. About sports, every time I initiate about doing such thing I get turned down and told 'We can go shopping, it will be a good activity for you also...' & Video games are not just for teenage kids, I hear a lot of women being anti-gamer because they label their boyfriend/husband being childish. Couple years ago i met a counselor discussing this gaming problem and I was told that its absolutely fine to play video games at home in a moderate fashion if that is your source of entertainment because in a relation we all need some space to do our things.


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## Hope1964

You should be able to have one night a week to yourself, and so should your wife. That means that 5 nights a week, you are parenting together.

If your wife is abusing your child that's a whole nother ball of wax, and you need to take it very seriously. Your wife could accuse YOU of being the abuser you know, if the child ever ends up in the hospital. I don't know what to tell you about that, other than you can't just sit by and do nothing.

As for the pregnancy, well, you already have one child, why does two freak you out? You should already be acting like a responsible parent. Nothing should be changing in that regard.


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## Unique Username

07-02-2013, 08:21 PM #1 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 How can I overcome this addiction? 

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Hi all, although I have a girlfriend. I am addicted to porn and women. Women, not so much as I don't sleep around its just I like to check them and fantasize about them (not in a creepy way).

The problem comes when me & my girlfriend are living together, I stop watching porn and checking other women on the internet but this effects my arousal in bed. I wish to get rid of these habits but don't know how. Also, my girl friend is beautiful but am I bored of her?


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## Unique Username

So which is it?

All your threads are not matching up here


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## john117

The fun of fatherhood is not in the first five or ten years. Preschoolers are slightly more fun to deal with than Golden Retrievers, and you have to wait even longer to get them to do interesting stuff with you that you both like. But, when they begin to grow up and develop their own unique personalities and abilities the rewards are incredible. 

So, don't whine "what about me" and think how much fun it will be down the road. It will be worth it.


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## turnera

First, you chose to be in a committed relationship and therefore OWE your partner being a reliable partner yourself. Kids or not. if you feel you're too immature to be there, leave. Let her get on with her life. If she's truly abusive, get a protective order to get the kid away from her.

Second, you DO deserve time of your own. You both sound really immature, so it makes sense she won't understand that you deserve your own time. Order this book and read it; it will explain how to share fatherhood with your own survival: 
BetterMen Coaching: Hold on to your N.U.T.S.

I also advise you to look at Dr. Levine's website; it has great information on navigating marriage and fatherhood.


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## Unique Username

07-02-2013, 07:32 PM #1 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Does me & my ex still love each other? 

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Hi all, I am a 30 year old man with a girlfriend and a daughter. First of all I must admit that me & my girl friend have a lot of problems current and from the past. Some of which still haunts us. The only reason we still try our best to be with each other is our daughter, its just something we haven't said to each other verbally. In fact, we don't even live together. My ex knows about this and she totally accepts me for it

Now, about me & my ex. After we broke up about 6years ago, we still stayed as friends. Seldom communicate with each other and exchanging messages. Rarely see each other and go for movie or dinner. Even after breaking up, one thing we missed about each other is sex, and this feeling is pretty mutual. But we have never actually had sex, its just in our talks sometimes talking about the past times and what we liked most about each other during sex. To break this barrier, I have always taken a flirty/ romantic approach. But she always shut me down by saying we are better friends. Being still in college when we were together I use to dream about treating her special & take her to expensive places, but I didn't had enough money to do so. I want her to see that a part of me still wants to fulfill those dreams as I am capable of it now.

Recently, I kinda became more demanding for her and asking her to hang out with me more. Which made her somewhat irritated and she be a little rude to me than normal. BTW we broke up for the same reason; her being rude & later she apologizes for it. I have realized that 6 years ago she lost me because of being rude & now she will lose me again because of the same attitude. Due to work, I have moved to another state temporarily, and I have told her that I will be unreachable although I am reachable. But still every weekend I receive a text from her asking how am I doing. What's so confusing for me is that when I am close to her, she gives me a cold shoulder but when I am far, she misses me. 

After explaining the situation, I like to know what you think it is? or what does she wants? A friend? A boyfriend? or A friend with benefits?




All of the Threads by y3zalman are incongruent

Can't tell if married or not, one (this one) claims married the other says GF then others talk of multiple gfs and sex issues

If he is working out of state from the "wife" and "daughter" he has plenty of time for himself and multiple new "girlfriends" and old "ex" girlfriends and sports.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I don't see gaming as an issue if it's limited. Sometimes you can get wrapped up in a game for a couple hours. My husband and I play a game together/split screen that we both love and neither of us are gamers. It's the kids counsel and I happened to buy a game that both my hubby and I absolutely love.(weird huh?)

It's the quality time that's very important between you two. Yes, you need your time alone as so does she. Your wife is entitled as much time alone as you are, plus there should be time together.

You need to find a good balance. It does get easier as the children grow older and are more self sufficient. When the kids are young, it's really tough to find that balance. Also, not everyone plays fair in a marriage. Good luck.


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## Unique Username

04-06-2013, 07:39 AM #1 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Should I end this relation? 

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Recently I came across this article & I must say my wife fills each and every criteria 

10 Signs Your Girlfriend or Wife is an Emotional Bully | A Shrink for Men

I have been aware of all what's written there but the only thing that has been holding me back is my daughter which I love immensely. But then again, I ask myself, how long can I take this abuse...

Thank you for your suggestions 



y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Re: Should I end this relation? 

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These are in the Considering Divorce Separation section 

This also posted 4/8/2013

I highly appreciate the suggestions all of you has given. I hold myself a faulty at this also since I ignored some of these traits in the beginning hoping that things will change & eventually she will change. 

As Mr blunt has suggested that I demand that she change, I have tried that numerous times but we end up having a long argument where she will constantly tells me how wrong I am, then I just back off considering what impact it may leave on our daughter. The only time I physically involve myself and stop her is when she is disciplining (by spanking) our daughter. And I have been kicked by her during the process, I am totally shamed in front of my daughter seeing us like this. 

One major thing I realized after reading that article is the sex control. When I try to show her affection, at times she will act like she is disgusted by my touch and then later she will DEMAND sex. Another thing she did, she separated our beds and from that point on wards my 'performing in the bed' issue started, with her complains that I show her no affection. Is it normal that even though we don't sleep together, when she demands sex my d*ck should be hard as soon as she touches me? 

I am her 3rd husband but first who she has a child with. I am so exhausted being pushed around & bullied.


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## Unique Username

3/11/2013

03-11-2013, 04:47 AM #1 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Lost my job & wife behavior changed. 

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Me & my wife and a daughter have been together for about 6years. So after college I became a father and after finishing my studies I took looked after my father's business and some what supported my family who lives with me(lets say 5 months a year). My father kept on telling me to finish my studies and complete my degree since I was only a diploma holder. I took his advice and joined University, few months later he passed away and the business had to be shut down. Though he left some money for me to complete the studies. I supported my wife & child as long as the money was there.

Now that I have completed my education, I have been job less for about 7 months, its just those cases when 'its not what you know, its who you know', but still I am doing my best to find work. I understand what she is going through & paying for daughter's school fee but I see & feel degradation in her attitude towards me. Since we both don't live in the same country, I requested if she could pay for my ticket and we could be all together. I feel in her response that even if we are together or coming to live with her, I will be just a responsibility on her to take care of since I will be coming with no money. I never confronted her about her change in behavior but it just shows the way she talks to me now. 

Any help how to deal with this? or all this is just in my head? 




03-28-2013, 03:38 PM #6 (permalink) Financial Problems in Marriage Focused Topic

y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Re: Lost my job & wife behavior changed. 

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Ok it took awhile to reply but here is what the situation is:

1. Yes we do not live in the same country, I live with my siblings now. Sometimes she comes & spends couple months with me.
2. I would LOVE to do any job & I mean any job but there are some really harsh rules & regulations in the country I am living in, e.g., cannot work part time, If I work in lets say pizza delivery...I need to get under their employment status which means for the next 2-3years I cannot change my job to a better opportunity and even after those years, my employer holds the right to either send me back to my home country or let me work else where. And I will be earning about 400$ a month.

3. We have talked about living together, where I live, but my wife doesn't like the idea so much since she has to leave a lot behind. (Which I totally understand).

4. I am not asking my wife to pay for my ticket, I have taken back that expectation and I have never asked her in words to pay for my anything. All I expect from her is acceptance since she will be paying for my food & roof over my head. I am not a person with many demands. 

I have been a partial provider to my family over the past few years but the cold reality is I cannot anymore until I get a job, my siblings has been supportive in this & tells me to just wait a bit longer because I can make real good money working in my profession and its just a matter or time & patience(about 3000$). At times when I call my wife & daughter to talk, I talk to them with high spirits & excitement but it breaks my heart & hurts me when I hear total disregard & no interest to have a conversation with me in her voice. It brings me to tears even when I write this that most of the times when I call I can hear her 'tsk's over the phone and as if she is really bothered by my call. 

Is being jobless is such an unforgiving sin?


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## Unique Username

Nothing matches up. Which are true and which aren't?
Married or not? Employed or Not? Living out of Country with siblings in one thread and out of STATE in another thread.


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## Unique Username

02-24-2013, 12:58 PM #1 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Advice on sex life with wife 

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I am a 30 year old man, married for last 5 years and we have a child. We both met in sweden and lived together for about 8 months. Then my wife got pregnant and went back to US while I stayed back and continued working. Still we see each other after every 6 months for few months so we could spend time together as a family.

The problem I face is that I do not feel like having sex with my wife anymore which is creating some serious problems between us. My wife always craves for it but when we are together, I try to avoid it or when we attempt to have sex, I cannot keep an erection, I feel very pressured(pressure of what if i can't keep an erection) and feels like I am having an anxiety attack. No doubt my wife is very beautiful but I don't feel any intimacy from her like I use to in the beginning of our relation. At times she gets really furious when I lose my erection and of course it makes me feel worse about myself. I have tried many different things except Viagra but nothing seems to work. She even opened up about watching porn together so I could stay hard, we tried that once but it made me release embarrassingly fast plus there are 100 feelings running through my mind at that time. I have been in bed with women much better than my wife but nothing to complain because my wife is down to anything.

On the other hand when my wife is away from me, I feel extremely sexually active. I get intimated even looking at pictures of girls wearing clothes(only pictures) & porn makes me even more hornier. But the problem doesn't end there, I have even slept around when my wife isn't living with me. But I realized 2/10 times I am unsuccessful mainly because of lack of intimacy. When I look at my life, I realize that sexually I am more satisfied with what I see online than real life people. 

Soon I will be living with my wife permanently and I am very worried that after first couple intercourse we will face the same problems in the bed again. I love my wife & child more than anything in the world but at times it makes me very nervous how can I sexually improve our relation.

Please advice me how to save my marriage. 


2/26/2013

Old 02-26-2013, 12:05 PM #4 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Re: Advice on sex life with wife 

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Thank you for all your replies. I have not been fooling around for over an year now, none the less, I feel pretty bad about my actions. I have been facing these demons for a long time. I have also talked about this with some close guy friends, and they don't know what to advise me.

When I look at girls in pictures (this includes my wife as well) I get turned on but when I see them in real I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack. If I should see someone about this, please tell me who? 


2/27/2013
Old 02-27-2013, 04:52 AM #10 (permalink) 
y3zalman 
Registered User


Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 18 Default Re: Advice on sex life with wife 

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Thank you for bringing this up as well. My socializing has been very limited since the beginning even during my college days till now at work I am considered as the silent & shy type. Plus my job is not something in which I have to interact with people on a large scale or sometimes interact at all.

After marriage, my wife asked me to cut off myself from my female friends (although there wasn't anything suspicious & I was very loyal to her). So to answer your question, yes at times I have difficulty talking to people. It won't show in my behavior or the way I talk, but on a comfort level, I do not feel relaxed.


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## Unique Username

Really?


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## turnera

I remember him now.


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## bunny23

Unique Username said:


> Grow up.
> 
> So, you were NOT working and your wife was when you had your first child and "we managed to get through very well"
> REALLY - you mean YOU got through it okay.....was SHE working to support you and your child and you weren't? When you weren't working and she was, did you assume the responsibility of all child care and household chores? Or were you playing video games and claiming you were looking for a job?
> 
> NOW you've been working for a year and are whining that since YOU and your wife made a baby (not immaculate conception) you won't be able to buy your toys and your "small dreams" are shot.
> Poor you.
> Dude, you need to be taking care of saving for retirement, college for the kids and paying off your mortgage. Make sure you are saving money and all things are taken care of before you spend cash on toys for yourself. Only been working for a year, look at the economy are you in a financial position to be able to do those things?
> Seriously, you got married and had a baby. Now you are having a sibling for your daughter.
> 
> Watch this movie Courageous. Learn how to be the Head of your household.
> Watch Courageous Online | 2011 Movie | Yidio
> 
> Being married and especially being a Father entails compromise.
> Your first priority should be your Family. Being sad and depressed about seeing your friends & colleagues doing what they enjoy -- You'll never be happy if you are always looking to keep up with the Joneses.
> 
> You want sport - find a Family friendly sport. Or find a sporting place, like a country club or YMCA where you can play your sports yet your wife has things to do as well and so do your kids. Or join a sport that your family can watch you perform. You get your time alone when you are practicing with the team and the family comes to the games (as in softball) I don't know what sports you want to do. Choose one that can dovetail with being a husband and father.
> Water sports are fun for the whole family. Save up and get a boat during the winter when they are cheap. Get creative.
> Bikes for the family.
> You will be much more grateful as you get older, having spent time with your family. Being a Daddy to your daughter and to your unborn baby.
> 
> You want more YOU time. Stop being selfish and whiny and punkish. Control freak wife - yeah right. Bet she is simply expecting you to be the husband and father you promised to be.
> Get smart, find something that your wife would enjoy doing and support her in that - yoga, Prenatal exercise, book club whatever. Giver her a break from being Mommy. Let HER have some time away from being your caregiver/homemaker/mommy to daughter/working adult.
> Then find something that your daughter can do at this same time - or see if a family member can babysit. Then when wife is at her thing - voila you can be at your thing/sport.
> OR you watch and have alone time with your daughter while Mommy is at her thing. Then she gets alone time with daughter when you are at your thing.
> You aren't a single dude who can do as he pleases with no responsibilities. That's the simple truth. Maybe change how you VIEW it. Rather than mourn those "small dreams" embrace new ones. Redefine yourself. Find the solution that makes you happy, but not at the expense of your wife and daughter and baby on the way.
> 
> You said your job will go to paying for school of your daughter and the 2nd child. Yeah, so? Sounds like your wife's income is supporting your household and your income is secondary, paying for only those things. Maybe this whining has more to do with your self-esteem for not being the major breadwinner. Perhaps if you were the major breadwinner then your wife wouldn't feel exhausted and angry about you sitting on your butt playing video games?
> 
> I get your frustration about losing self. Think about how women feel when they become Mothers. Most of us erase the feelings of loss of self by turning those energies into being the best parent we can.
> 
> You need to take a serious agonizing reappraisal of your attitude and your responsibilities. "Will I ever be able to do what I want?" (um maybe, but you have to take care of business first.) Are you pulling your weight? Are you doing your share? Make sure you are. Then find something you can do to make your wife happy at a thing she enjoys - give HER time away from you and your daughter and work. Do that for a little bit and I bet she is much more likely to say hey, thanks so much for thinking about me and my stresses, I get it. And would be more likely to facilitate YOUR doing something for yourself.


:iagree:
OMG.... I want to be friends with you IRL!

I need a butt kicking occasionally...

You basically said everything I was thinking!!!


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## aeasty

I work with a bunch of unmarried childless(at least as far as they know anyway sure there would be at least 1 or 2 out there) late 20's early 30's year olds and all they do is the same repetitive tasks their whole life is a rut they go out Friday night get drunk try and get laided to which 90% of the time they go home alone or with a hooker, wake up Saturday at mid day hung over to all buggery and then 5 hours later start drinking again end up going out getting drunk again trying to get laid to which they go home alone again and wake up on Sunday feeling even worse then the day before then Monday rolls around and I see them in the office and they say they had the best weekend ever when really all they did was get drunk loose track of 10 hours or more and burn through a ton of money.

While I went motorbike riding or camping, fishing, snorkling, taught my son how to do something that he will know forever and I will always be the person who taught him that. I also didn't feel like death was upon me with hangover. All I can say is embrace your fatherly roles I'm only 23 and our son has been the best thing ever in my life!

Just a little side note companies tend to hire family men over singles due to the stability factor a family man is less likely to just bail out of a job because he is having a bad day or week. So PUT YOUR MAN BOOTS ON AND GROW UP!


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