# Wife on Facebook with Ex - Threat?



## couple

What's the general opinion of being friends with exes on FB?

My wife accepted a friend request from an ex from the distant past and when he PM'd her to say hi (all innocent on the surface) she carried on the dialog by asking all kinds of questions, etc rather than maintaining a cool distance and letting it die out (or better, just ignoring the friend request). They have had many mutual FB friends for years without becoming friends. Then one friend suggested that he 'say hi' to her because they have a mutual interest - just very casual and not uncommon with friends. This is what triggered the friending so it didn't just come out of the blue. She was up front with me about all of this and told me that they casually mentioned a possible meet up when he's in town. She was also up front about this and assumed that I would be part of that meeting if it ever happened (yeah right). When she left her FB open, i saw that it was HER who suggested that they might meet up next time he's in town. I'm not happy that she escalated the dialog like this or created this tension. He's in town regularly and we really don't need this kind of distraction in our relationship.

She's acting like this is just any old friend and that it's all really normal. However, they were never really friends outside of their romantic relationship. I don't really see the need for them to be FB friends and certainly not to meet up to 'catch up'. But I also don't want to drive it underground, nor do i want to make it seem even more forbidden. However, I do want to shut this down before any trouble begins. I'm not comfortable that FB gives them each a window into each other's lives and I don't want his future visits into town (which will be visible on FB) to create any tension for us or curiosity driven temptation for her. 

BTW, he's single, wealthy and attractive. It's clear that this has caused her to be a little giddy and she found my jealousy endearing but i'm afraid that the ongoing FB connection can turn some fairly innocent giddiness into something more.

Advice? Opinions?


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## Entropy3000

Do His Needs Her Needs together. Set boundaries for the opposite sex relationships.

IMO Exes are forever NC or you are opening pandora's box.

OMG!!! meet to catch up. Oh hell no. Yes if she is giddy and so on then you need to stop this ASAP. Locking your doors nd setting the alarm forces intruders to break into your home. Leaving the door open and knowing that they are coming when you are out is not a good option. You basically are giving this guy a shot at your wife. The longer this goes the longer this goes and so on. Giddy translates to dopamine. Not good.


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## tom67

You have to stop this now!

Ask a mod to transfer this to the cwi section.
How many affairs started with innocent chats on facebook.
what if you were chatting with an ex how would she like it?


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## LostViking

Ex boyfriends and ex-sex partners have no place in a marriage. None. 

If it makes you feel uncomfortable then man up and tell your wife that. If she accuses you of being controlling, ask her when she wants to set an appointment to go see a lawyer.... And be ready to follow through. 

If she is dumb enough to tell you to treat this like any old friend then she has some growing up to do. Put your foot down. Ask her how she would feel if you started getting chummy with an ex-girlfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000

You have quite a few threads over the past few years. From possible cheating to sexual fantasies to sexless marriage and so on. 

So look at the FB stuff in context of all of this. And that she is giddy.


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## ScarletBegonias

I don't feel it's ok to be friends with an ex on FB.Judging by other threads it seems your problem is much bigger than the FB exchanges.


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## arbitrator

*FB has become the new clandestine "meat market" for largely hooking- up with exes, old boy or girl friends, and for new and exciting acquaintances to hook-up and get sexually adventurous with, all under the cover of deception!

Need an endorsement? Just ask my XW!*


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## Plan 9 from OS

How's the marriage been otherwise? Has she been withdrawing from you? Are things rocky at the moment? Are things better than they have ever been? It's hard to see if she simply has poor boundaries of if she's actively looking for a deeper emotional connection with someone that made her happy in her past.

Bottom line is that ex's have no business in marriages. You know this already.


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## thunderstruck

Entropy3000 said:


> IMO Exes are forever NC or you are openig pandora's box.


^^^THIS. In my experience from running into ex-gf's and receiving FB messages from ex-gf's, the conversation goes from, "Hey, how are the kids?" to s*x talk in no time. 

I didn't like it when my W started talking to her HS bf on FB years ago, but I just gave weak protests. It didn't take him long to start the fishing BS, and then I had to deal with it harshly.

She is now clear on my boundary - no ex-bf's, period. If she doesn't like, we can split.


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## Plan 9 from OS

arbitrator said:


> *FB has become the new clandestine "meat market" for largely hooking- up with exes, old boy or girl friends, and for new and exciting acquaintances to hook-up and get sexually adventurous with, all under the cover of deception!*


Despite the fact that FB is the conduit that a number people have used to reconnect with ex lovers, it's not a meat market. Nighclubs that are popular destinations for GNO's are legitimate meat markets. FB is not like that. It's merely a tool that people who are already entertaining ideas about cheating utilize. Without FB, these same people would get their fill in other ways.


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## arbitrator

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Despite the fact that FB is the conduit that a number people have used to reconnect with ex lovers, it's not a meat market. Nightclubs that are popular destinations for GNO's are legitimate meat markets. FB is not like that. *It's merely a tool that people who are already entertaining ideas about cheating utilize*. Without FB, these same people would get their fill in other ways.


*But you would be forced to agree that FB is largely being facilitated by a select minority of those same folks as a vehicle being used for that express purpose?*


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## Entropy3000

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Despite the fact that FB is the conduit that a number people have used to reconnect with ex lovers, it's not a meat market. Nighclubs that are popular destinations for GNO's are legitimate meat markets. FB is not like that. It's merely a tool that people who are already entertaining ideas about cheating utilize. Without FB, these same people would get their fill in other ways.


Sigh. No I disagree. This shows a complete lack of understanding of how EAs start. How friendships turn into other things. I get that those betrayed want to believe that it is all evil intent and low character but the truth is ... it is not. People fall in love. They bond. More often than not people who get into EAs never intended to do so. Or they play just the tip. It is a seduction that turns into an addiction. Some have a false sense of distance because it is on the web. 

You can disagree if you want. Indeed FB is a tool. However, this tool enables people to bond emotionally. Few people have adapted to the social media. They have poor boundaries.


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## Entropy3000

Plan 9 from OS said:


> How's the marriage been otherwise? Has she been withdrawing from you? Are things rocky at the moment? Are things better than they have ever been? It's hard to see if she simply has poor boundaries of if she's actively looking for a deeper emotional connection with someone that made her happy in her past.
> 
> *Bottom line is that ex's have no business in marriages. You know this already.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Also check out his other threads. Red flags ......


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## thunderstruck

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Without FB, these same people would get their fill in other ways.


True, but things like FB make it a helluva lot easier. A few months ago, an ex from 20+ years ago looked me up. She lives 1000+ miles away, with neither of us in our home state. The chance of us randomly running into each other is close to zero, but with a few clicks and keystrokes...here she was, talking to me about the good ol' days of banging.


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## Plan 9 from OS

Entropy3000 said:


> Sigh. No I disagree. This shows a complete lack of understanding of how EAs start. How friendships turn into other things. I get that those betrayed want to believe that it is all evil intent and low character but the truth is ... it is not. People fall in love. They bond. More often than not people who get into EAs never intended to do so. Or they play just the tip. It is a seduction that turns into an addiction. Some have a false sense of distance because it is on the web.
> 
> You can disagree if you want. Indeed FB is a tool. However, this tool enables people to bond emotionally. Few people have adapted to the social media. They have poor boundaries.


Consider me ignorant on the subject then. I have not been cheated on nor have I cheated, so maybe I'm talking out of turn. While I agree that an emotional connection can just "happen unexpectedly", there is still a component inside people that are seeking something. This is where I think a distinction (in most cases) can be made between an EA/PA budding with someone who was never a part of your past vs. an EA/PA with a former lover. In the case of the former, the WS most likely was not looking for a hookup or an emotional bond, and that one developed without any major planning. In the case of the latter, the fact that the person you are seeking was a former lover shows me that there is an intent to seek out something that is otherwise "missing" because let's face it - bad memories fade over time and you are only left with the mostly good memories of the ex. 

I'm a believer in the notion that once you take a friendship and transform it into a relationship where you two are lovers, you cannot simply go back to being just friends without one person always holding that romantic thought/feeling in some form. If you are reaching out to an ex via social media, then you are doing so because you are looking to relive those good times in some capacity. This is beyond simple friendship and is an indicator that the seeker is missing something in the marriage in order to take a step like this. 

IMHO, seeking out a former lover is very much different from someone developing an EA/PA with someone who is either a stranger or a platonic opposite sex friend from the past.


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## Entropy3000

I am saying that FB increases the risks.

We are ALL looking for something. In any marriage there is heavy lifting. There are moments of weakness and so on. Most affairs ... even small ones are about fantasy. Escape. Some people are more susceptable than others. But I think too many people just say they are immune until they realize they are not.

Given the right circumstances many people can let things slide and slide and slide. I think EAs are very common. They are just not seen as EAs. but they damage the primary relationship none the less.

But I agree that there is more intent with a pst lover. We are not disagreeing here.


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## anchorwatch

Be safe! Shut it down quickly!!! 

She should have shut this down, on her own. Clearly she doesn't have any caution and is not leery of other men. She is opening up the path way, as simple as it may be in her mind now. She is enjoying the attention and excitement of connection from her past. Do not allow another man to give that attention to your wife. Time for you to mate guard if she won't!

Did you interact with him yet? 

I'd make my presence uncomfortable to him.

No EXs allowed!


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## Philat

couple said:


> What's the general opinion of being friends with exes on FB?
> 
> My wife accepted a friend request from an ex from the distant past and when he PM'd her to say hi (all innocent on the surface) she carried on the dialog by asking all kinds of questions, etc rather than maintaining a cool distance and letting it die out (or better, just ignoring the friend request). They have had many mutual FB friends for years without becoming friends. Then one friend suggested that he 'say hi' to her because they have a mutual interest - just very casual and not uncommon with friends. This is what triggered the friending so it didn't just come out of the blue. She was up front with me about all of this and told me that they casually mentioned a possible meet up when he's in town. She was also up front about this and assumed that I would be part of that meeting if it ever happened (yeah right). When she left her FB open, i saw that it was HER who suggested that they might meet up next time he's in town. I'm not happy that she escalated the dialog like this or created this tension. He's in town regularly and we really don't need this kind of distraction in our relationship.
> 
> She's acting like this is just any old friend and that it's all really normal. However, they were never really friends outside of their romantic relationship. I don't really see the need for them to be FB friends and certainly not to meet up to 'catch up'. But I also don't want to drive it underground, nor do i want to make it seem even more forbidden. However, I do want to shut this down before any trouble begins. I'm not comfortable that FB gives them each a window into each other's lives and I don't want his future visits into town (which will be visible on FB) to create any tension for us or curiosity driven temptation for her.
> 
> BTW, he's single, wealthy and attractive. It's clear that this has caused her to be a little giddy and she found my jealousy endearing but i'm afraid that the ongoing FB connection can turn some fairly innocent giddiness into something more.
> 
> Advice? Opinions?


I think you calmly let her know that you have some concern where this might lead. You might be overextending a bit to make too big a deal right away, but let her know that it's on your radar. And that any meeting with the ex will definitely include you--after all, part of "catching up" will be to introduce her husband.


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## tom67

Philat said:


> I think you calmly let her know that you have some concern where this might lead. You might be overextending a bit to make too big a deal right away, but let her know that it's on your radar. And that any meeting with the ex will definitely include you--after all, part of "catching up" will be to introduce her husband.


Yes
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy

ERNGH! ERNGH! ERNGH! DANGER......DANGER.......DANGER.....

Find your balls quickly. Do not compromise on your concerns for this. This is BAD mojo. They should not be exchanging private messages. Meeting up is a horrible idea. If there is any issues in your marriage this is a MAJOR red flag as she is initiating this kind of contact.


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## anchorwatch

I'd never allow any meeting with him and my wife. 

If he persisted, he could meet me alone for a talk. 

If she persisted, she'd get a talk. No Exs or pack your bags. 

I won't have Exs in my relationship.


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## ScarletBegonias

I'll never understand these sort of threads. 

Is it ok if my wife gets chatty with a man she used to f**k?
Is it ok if my wife meets up with a man she used to f**k?

I mean really guys,is the concept of boundaries that difficult to navigate?


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## COguy

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'll never understand these sort of threads.
> 
> Is it ok if my wife gets chatty with a man she used to f**k?
> Is it ok if my wife meets up with a man she used to f**k?
> 
> I mean really guys,is the concept of boundaries that difficult to navigate?


In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks: . . . And Other Complaints from an Angry Middle-Aged White Guy: Adam Carolla: 9780307717382: Amazon.com: Books


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## treyvion

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'll never understand these sort of threads.
> 
> Is it ok if my wife gets chatty with a man she used to f**k?
> Is it ok if my wife meets up with a man she used to f**k?
> 
> I mean really guys,is the concept of boundaries that difficult to navigate?


Some people find this OK. They underestimate the problems that it really causes.


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## arbitrator

*My wealthy, skanky XW didn't have an Ex on FB. She had BF's from her past. Enough said?*


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## Dad&Hubby

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'll never understand these sort of threads.
> 
> Is it ok if my wife gets chatty with a man she used to f**k?
> Is it ok if my wife meets up with a man she used to f**k?
> 
> I mean really guys,is the concept of boundaries that difficult to navigate?


Great post.

Early in my life, the idea of hanging out with a SO's ex felt about as good as pounding on my nuts with a hammer. I could never "accept" the modern view that we should all be one big happy family and be friends with everyone who's ever been in our lives or our SO's life.

Sorry, exes are exes and should be put in that place in your memory where you remember the good things and more importantly the BAD things about the relationship. No "friends' no hanging out.

But society wants to convince us that it's the "norm". To the extent where one of the keys to "picking a good partner" was that they are still friends with their exes (meaning they are stable in relationships and people don't get hurt or some BS like that).

Call me old fashioned or something but sorry, no hanging out with exes and no excessive communications. If an ex of my wife sent her a FB message and she responded...fine. But I don't want to see an on going conversation developing.


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## treyvion

arbitrator said:


> *My wealthy, skanky XW didn't have an Ex on FB. She had BF's from her past. Enough said?*


How "skanky"?


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## thunderstruck

ScarletBegonias said:


> Is it ok if my wife gets chatty with a man she used to f**k?


That pretty much sums it up.


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## lifeistooshort

If my hb started something like this I would make his life miserable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck

treyvion said:


> Some people find this OK. They underestimate the problems that it really causes.


Some people are also FOS (not you). I was told by my W that I was the oddball. According to her, she, the ex-bf and his wife all thought it was okay, and that I was just being controlling.

Me: Really? I'll contact his W now to verify this. If she agrees, I'll back off.
Wifey:  No!

The OP's wife KNOWS that she wouldn't like it all if his hot ex-gf wanted to meet up just to "chat."


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## treyvion

thunderstruck said:


> Some people are also FOS (not you). I was told by my W that I was the oddball. According to her, she, the ex-bf and his wife all thought it was okay, and that I was just being controlling.
> 
> Me: Really? I'll contact his W now to verify this. If she agrees, I'll back off.
> Wifey:  No!
> 
> The OP's wife KNOWS that she wouldn't like it all if his hot ex-gf wanted to meet up just to "chat."


Right, great example of FOS. Too bad it goes on all the time.

I might be ok with some light communications with ex's, but it shouldn't be often and they should not be in the middle of my relationship!


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## ReformedHubby

Perhaps I'm a psycho paranoid husband but we have facebook rules. For starters I don't trust myself so I haven't logged into my page in years. 

My wife on the other hand is not allowed to private message any males except relatives. This came about because one of her friend's husbands sent her a flirty PM once. He asked her a basic question about some work we had done to the house, my wife responded in a non flirtatious way, and then all of a sudden he responds with "If I were your husband...". We didn't know even know what he meant, but we did think it was weird. This was enough for us to say PMs to opposite sex friends is risky.

What if my wife responded with something flirtatious back instead of getting creeped out. This is how EAs start. One person says or does something flirty. The other person keeps it from their spouse and doesn't discourage the behavior. Its only a matter of time before they get sucked in if they are keeping it a secret and begin flirting back.


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## treyvion

ReformedHubby said:


> Perhaps I'm a psycho paranoid husband but we have facebook rules. For starters I don't trust myself so I haven't logged into my page in years.
> 
> My wife on the other hand is not allowed to private message any males except relatives. This came about because one of her friend's husbands sent her a flirty PM once. He asked her a basic question about some work we had done to the house, my wife responded in a non flirtatious way, and then all of a sudden he responds with "If I were your husband...". We didn't know even know what he meant, but we did think it was weird. This was enough for us to say PMs to opposite sex friends is risky.
> 
> What if my wife responded with something flirtatious back instead of getting creeped out. This is how EAs start. One person says or does something flirty. The other person keeps it from their spouse and doesn't discourage the behavior. Its only a matter of time before they get sucked in if they are keeping it a secret and begin flirting back.


That secret is powerful, like a little kid hiding a magical thing from the parents.


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## couple

tom67 said:


> You have to stop this now!
> 
> Ask a mod to transfer this to the cwi section.


No thank you. I'm aware of the CWI section but I chose to post it here because I want more balanced views. Obviously concerns about this leading to infidelity come into play but my issue here is not about 'coping with infidelity'.

Please do not move this thread. It is in the right place and in the place that the OP (me) intended it to be.


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## 40isthenew20

I wouldn't friend request any exes out of respect for my wife and I would throw a **** fit if I found out she did. It's probably innocent and nothing will come out of it, but there's a line you don't cross when you're married and constant communication online with an ex is one of them.


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## couple

To those urging a 'man-up': I am still in the middle of this and it is not over. My initial response to her was very robust. I need further responses to be measured to avoid digging a hole for myself and driving it underground. Although it's clear that lines were foolishly crossed, she did tell me about it and she has taken no measures to secure her FB account, her phone or anything else. The last thing i want to do is to spook her and have her tie everything down out of principle. She could have just not told me and saved herself an evening of hassle. There would have been no risk in just not mentioning it.


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## tulsy

couple said:


> To those urging a 'man-up': I am still in the middle of this and it is not over. My initial response to her was very robust. I need further responses to be measured to avoid digging a hole for myself and driving it underground. Although it's clear that lines were foolishly crossed, she did tell me about it and she has taken no measures to secure her FB account, her phone or anything else. The last thing i want to do is to spook her and have her tie everything down out of principle. She could have just not told me and saved herself an evening of hassle. There would have been no risk in just not mentioning it.


Ya, but she didn't tell you that it was HER who suggested meeting up with him.

So what's your plan? Sit back and hope for the best while she continues to be giddy over the single, wealthy and attractive ex-boy-toy?

It's still a big slap in her husbands face....your face. What normal married woman does this? Have some real boundaries in your relationship.


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## Philat

couple said:


> To those urging a 'man-up': I am still in the middle of this and it is not over. My initial response to her was very robust. I need further responses to be measured to avoid digging a hole for myself and driving it underground. Although it's clear that lines were foolishly crossed, she did tell me about it and she has taken no measures to secure her FB account, her phone or anything else. The last thing i want to do is to spook her and have her tie everything down out of principle. She could have just not told me and saved herself an evening of hassle. There would have been no risk in just not mentioning it.


Can you describe the robust response?


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## anchorwatch

What do you mean? You don't want to dig a hole for yourself?

She's the one digging the hole!

You've got this backward...

You've started well. You don't have to go to defcon 5 to start. If she doesn't cut it out, then move to the next step.

Just do it like Wyatt Earp said, "Take your time, in a hurry.


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## bandit.45

Oh my oh my. Another hubby with guilt issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife

My H and I don't have FB. I know if I put up a profile on FB, ex's would find it and try to contact me. It just isn't worth it.

Everyone in my family makes fun of me for it. Oh well! I really don't need to know what animals they bought on Farmville.


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## beachbabe

Yuck..I just got sick to my stomach.  
My H cheated on me with his ex on FB for one year. It quickly lead from "your wife is sure gorgeous" to "I'll show you my p***y if you want". 
AND, here's the clincher...we were apparently happy...or at least I thought we were. 
Take it from me...I wouldn't let it happen. The healing process is excruciating.


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## COguy

couple said:


> To those urging a 'man-up': I am still in the middle of this and it is not over. My initial response to her was very robust. I need further responses to be measured to avoid digging a hole for myself and driving it underground. Although it's clear that lines were foolishly crossed, she did tell me about it and she has taken no measures to secure her FB account, her phone or anything else. The last thing i want to do is to spook her and have her tie everything down out of principle. She could have just not told me and saved herself an evening of hassle. There would have been no risk in just not mentioning it.


After reading that, you definitely need to "man up".

And by man up I mean set clear boundaries. This kind of behavior isn't ok, you don't have to apologize or make excuses for it. She's the one acting inappropriately.

But in all fairness you probably haven't communicated that well. So I would have a simple discussion about how you feel this is not appropriate and you don't want her being FB friends or exchanging private messages with exes (personally I'd add any opposite sex in the PM category). If you phrase it in a way that it is how YOU feel, it's not really up for debate, and her response to YOUR feelings is a good barometer for your relationship.


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## azteca1986

COguy said:


> After reading that, you definitely need to "man up".
> 
> *And by man up I mean set clear boundaries. * This kind of behavior isn't ok, you don't have to apologize or make excuses for it. She's the one acting inappropriately.


In other words find a slightly more sophisticated way of saying "No".


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## thunderstruck

bandit.45 said:


> Oh my oh my. Another hubby with guilt issues.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had those guilt issues when I was thrown into this situation. My reward was getting to read a chat in which the ex-bf was telling my W what a great azz she had back in the day. OP, learn from the mistakes here.

Here's the script in case you haven't heard it from her mouth yet...

*You're controlling.
You're a bully.
He's just a friend.
He's like a brother. Ewww. I don't think of him that way.
You need to grow up.*

I fell for that crap for a short while. Never again. I have fully embraced my inner controlling bully azzhole, and he comes out when warranted.


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## alexm

Bang on!

The last thing you want to do is fly off the handle, because that will only cause it to escalate, and push her away.

I have no problem with my partner being friends with an ex, in real life, or on FB, BUT, if I didn't trust my partner, it would be a different story. I would prefer if my partner never went down that road (being friends, or re-connecting with an ex), but in the grand scheme of things, they were once friends. There is nothing wrong with being curious as to where someone is at in life long after you've last seen or heard from them.

But there are many variables you have to take into consideration. Like how long ago was the relationship? How did it end? How long were they together? Have you ever heard your partner mention them before?

But the bottom line is, how much you trust your partner, and how much self esteem you have for your own self.

I disagree with most people here in that this is a threat. It's not a comfortable situation, but it's not immediately threatening, either. For one, if your wife invited you along to this meeting, that is certainly a very good sign. She wants you to meet him, and vice-versa.

If I were you, I would mention to her that you are not comfortable with the idea of this, but don't tell her exactly why. As in DON'T say "I don't like this, because I fear you could end up having an affair". Say something like "I'm not comfortable with this, but thank you for wanting to include me."

She did, after all, tell you all about it. Nothing is hidden.

Honestly, I would go with her to meet up with him, have a drink, and act perfectly normal (ie. NOT jealous). Be engaging, friendly, and completely unthreatened. Act like a happy couple.

If HE has any intentions, he soon will not, as he will see that your wife is happily married, to a pretty good guy.

If she goes off to meet him, without you (because of your own insecurities), he will see a woman who's husband couldn't have been bothered to go with her, and he will form his own conclusions (which would be true).

Ask yourself, if you were this man, and were looking to rekindle an old relationship, you met up for drinks with her and her husband did not attend, even though he was welcome - what would you think? As opposed to the same situation, but you come along with your wife and act appropriately, and are friendly, and obviously caring. If those were his intentions, they wouldn't be after that.

On the same note, if you do attend, and you act like an ass to him, and are clearly jealous, this is a sign that he has a shot, and he will continue.

Also, keep in mind that the possibilities that it is all completely innocent - from both parties - are higher than you think.



Philat said:


> I think you calmly let her know that you have some concern where this might lead. You might be overextending a bit to make too big a deal right away, but let her know that it's on your radar. And that any meeting with the ex will definitely include you--after all, part of "catching up" will be to introduce her husband.


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## Philat

alexm said:


> Bang on!
> 
> The last thing you want to do is fly off the handle, because that will only cause it to escalate, and push her away.
> 
> I have no problem with my partner being friends with an ex, in real life, or on FB, BUT, if I didn't trust my partner, it would be a different story. I would prefer if my partner never went down that road (being friends, or re-connecting with an ex), but in the grand scheme of things, they were once friends. There is nothing wrong with being curious as to where someone is at in life long after you've last seen or heard from them.
> 
> But there are many variables you have to take into consideration. Like how long ago was the relationship? How did it end? How long were they together? Have you ever heard your partner mention them before?
> 
> But the bottom line is, how much you trust your partner, and how much self esteem you have for your own self.
> 
> I disagree with most people here in that this is a threat. It's not a comfortable situation, but it's not immediately threatening, either. For one, if your wife invited you along to this meeting, that is certainly a very good sign. She wants you to meet him, and vice-versa.
> 
> If I were you, I would mention to her that you are not comfortable with the idea of this, but don't tell her exactly why. As in DON'T say "I don't like this, because I fear you could end up having an affair". Say something like "I'm not comfortable with this, but thank you for wanting to include me."
> 
> She did, after all, tell you all about it. Nothing is hidden.
> 
> Honestly, I would go with her to meet up with him, have a drink, and act perfectly normal (ie. NOT jealous). Be engaging, friendly, and completely unthreatened. Act like a happy couple.
> 
> If HE has any intentions, he soon will not, as he will see that your wife is happily married, to a pretty good guy.
> 
> If she goes off to meet him, without you (because of your own insecurities), he will see a woman who's husband couldn't have been bothered to go with her, and he will form his own conclusions (which would be true).
> 
> Ask yourself, if you were this man, and were looking to rekindle an old relationship, you met up for drinks with her and her husband did not attend, even though he was welcome - what would you think? As opposed to the same situation, but you come along with your wife and act appropriately, and are friendly, and obviously caring. If those were his intentions, they wouldn't be after that.
> 
> On the same note, if you do attend, and you act like an ass to him, and are clearly jealous, this is a sign that he has a shot, and he will continue.
> 
> Also, keep in mind that the possibilities that it is all completely innocent - from both parties - are higher than you think.


I've been waiting for OP to give some more detail on his original response to the situation, but I'm pretty much down with alexm's assessment. There is only a single fuzzy data point here so far: one FB contact that W immediately told OP about. If you read OP carefully you'll see that W didn't lie about who brought up the topic of a possible meeting ("they" talked about it). So I think the best approach here is for OP to make clear his boundaries, which do not need to involve scorched earth at this point. He is concerned where this contact could lead, so:

1. He should be informed of any other contact
2. This contact should not become frequent or close
3. He is part of any "catch-up" meeting 
4. W's FB account should be open to OP (possibly)

Note to OP: Be aware that many posters on this thread have been seriously burned in situations that have started out exactly like yours, so it's not like there is no experience or wisdom behind these posts (my W's EA took place before FB, but I have no doubt she would have used it if it were available--she's a big FBer now). It sounds like you have a chance to head off any serious problems with a relatively low-intensity intervention. But the answer to your original question is yes, this is a threat if not addressed.


----------



## alexm

This is neither here, nor there in relation to the actual topic, but you can have a FB account and be completely under the radar.

You can set it up, and have it so that people can not contact you, or even find you. In other words, be totally unsearchable. And it's not difficult to do, either, it's part of the setup process.

One can also change their existing FB profiles to be unsearchable.

In other words, you can have a profile, have 400 friends, and nobody (and I mean nobody) you don't want contacting you will even KNOW you have a profile. Not even see your name, let alone pictures and details. You don't exist on FB to people who are on your friends list (which YOU and only you, control). Even if they know you have one (by word of mouth, say), they can not contact you, see you, do anything. It is all in your hands, as to who who can find you.

Just saying, in case that is the only reason you don't have an account. 



Faithful Wife said:


> My H and I don't have FB. I know if I put up a profile on FB, ex's would find it and try to contact me. It just isn't worth it.
> 
> Everyone in my family makes fun of me for it. Oh well! I really don't need to know what animals they bought on Farmville.


----------



## ThreeStrikes

My ex's first affair was an old HS flame that she reconnected with on MySpace (pre-FB days).


----------



## Dad&Hubby

alexm said:


> Bang on!
> 
> The last thing you want to do is fly off the handle, because that will only cause it to escalate, and push her away.
> 
> I have no problem with my partner being friends with an ex, in real life, or on FB, BUT, if I didn't trust my partner, it would be a different story. I would prefer if my partner never went down that road (being friends, or re-connecting with an ex), but in the grand scheme of things, they were once friends. There is nothing wrong with being curious as to where someone is at in life long after you've last seen or heard from them.
> 
> But there are many variables you have to take into consideration. Like how long ago was the relationship? How did it end? How long were they together? Have you ever heard your partner mention them before?
> 
> But the bottom line is, how much you trust your partner, and how much self esteem you have for your own self.
> 
> I disagree with most people here in that this is a threat. It's not a comfortable situation, but it's not immediately threatening, either. For one, if your wife invited you along to this meeting, that is certainly a very good sign. She wants you to meet him, and vice-versa.
> 
> If I were you, I would mention to her that you are not comfortable with the idea of this, but don't tell her exactly why. As in DON'T say "I don't like this, because I fear you could end up having an affair". Say something like "I'm not comfortable with this, but thank you for wanting to include me."
> 
> She did, after all, tell you all about it. Nothing is hidden.
> 
> Honestly, I would go with her to meet up with him, have a drink, and act perfectly normal (ie. NOT jealous). Be engaging, friendly, and completely unthreatened. Act like a happy couple.
> 
> If HE has any intentions, he soon will not, as he will see that your wife is happily married, to a pretty good guy.
> 
> If she goes off to meet him, without you (because of your own insecurities), he will see a woman who's husband couldn't have been bothered to go with her, and he will form his own conclusions (which would be true).
> 
> Ask yourself, if you were this man, and were looking to rekindle an old relationship, you met up for drinks with her and her husband did not attend, even though he was welcome - what would you think? As opposed to the same situation, but you come along with your wife and act appropriately, and are friendly, and obviously caring. If those were his intentions, they wouldn't be after that.
> 
> On the same note, if you do attend, and you act like an ass to him, and are clearly jealous, this is a sign that he has a shot, and he will continue.
> 
> Also, keep in mind that the possibilities that it is all completely innocent - from both parties - are higher than you think.


This is a well balanced response, but I think the whole "meeting up for drinks" is going to far. 

If one of my wife's exes sent her a "catch up-how you doing" facebook message, I'd fully expect her to respond. It would be a very short lived, couple messages back and forth response. They wouldn't become "friends" and she DEFINITELY wouldn't meet up for drinks.

Not because of me, but because it is inappropriate. I know if any of my exes contacted me and wanted to get together for drinks to "catch up". My wife wouldn't say anything, but she'd be a bit uncomfortable, so why would I say yes? Catching up with an ex isn't more important than my wife's comfort level.

Some people are curious about what happened to people in their past, so catching up is normal. Wanting to meet up is a form of rekindling, whether its only friendship or more, so why bother. 

What your saying is it's more important to not be controlling than to enforce proper behavior. I don't think that way.


----------



## ManOhMan2013

I have talked to two ex lovers on Facebook. They both friended me. My wife didn't seem to have a problem with me. Once of my ex ****s I mean lovers started flirting with me. When her loser boyfriend found out we were communicating she unfriended me. Then she friended me again and I refused. All in all, *what looks like a "innocent" friendship on Facebook can quickly turn into a sexual issue because you might think you can discuss your marital frustrations with your ex. This is where the danger lies.*


----------



## azteca1986

alexm said:


> I have no problem with my partner being friends with an ex, in real life, or on FB, BUT, if I didn't trust my partner, it would be a different story. I would prefer if my partner never went down that road (being friends, or re-connecting with an ex), but in the grand scheme of things, they were once friends.


That doesn't sound very consistent - You don't have a problem but you'd prefer it if they didn't?

I'm more old-school in these things. No reason what-so-ever for my wife to contact an ex as I am never going to be friends with them. They were once friends; no more. *sad violin music*


----------



## alexm

Dad&Hubby said:


> What your saying is it's more important to not be controlling than to enforce proper behavior. I don't think that way.


No, not at all. What I'm saying is: take the situation and put yourself in control.

Going out for drinks with them, and being "cool", IS controlling. But it's not controlling HER.

There's a huge difference. He WOULD be in control - he's there, he's being cool, he's in charge.

That kind of control is warranted. Laying down the law to your partner, is not, imo. Her being told what she can and can't do is not going to bring her close to her husband. Her husband being cool about it (with the caveat to her that he is not comfortable, but he'll go along with it) is a sign of his strength, if anything.


----------



## alexm

azteca1986 said:


> That doesn't sound very consistent - You don't have a problem but you'd prefer it if they didn't?
> 
> I'm more old-school in these things. No reason what-so-ever for my wife to contact an ex as I am never going to be friends with them. They were once friends; no more. *sad violin music*


I hear you. Honestly, I'd tell her I wasn't okay with it, but I would never, never, never tell her she can't.

I think what a lot of people are missing here, is that we are only in control of ourselves. If our partners are going to cheat, there's a reason for it. Affairs don't happen because the cheater says "oh, everything's great in life". They do it for a reason. That reason, unfortunately, is usually because they are not fulfilled in some aspect of their marriage.

Now, the grey area is whether they are not fulfilled because their partner is not providing what they need, even though it has been discussed -or- if they are not being fulfilled because their partner is not being communicated with to fill these needs.

To me, any many other people, having a partner who is attempting to control my life, even in small ways, does not exactly make me feel close to them. If you do not feel close to your partner, something has to give. Maybe not now, maybe in 2 years, 5 years, 10 years. Maybe next week. People require closeness to be fulfilled. If that is not provided, they have options. Be miserable and do nothing; discuss it with their partners and hope it changes; leave; cheat.

If this man's wife has NO intentions of doing anything, AND she's upfront about it, AND she invites him along, then go with it.

If she does have intentions, then showing her you have faith in her may change her mind.

Given that she told him about it, AND invited him along, shows me that she doesn't have any intentions, anyway.

Forbidding her, or throwing a fit, or whatever, only shows weakness and lack of faith in her. This does not make her feel good. Continued behaviour like this will run her out of the marriage, or give her the justification to have an affair if she's so inclined.


----------



## jay1365

alexm said:


> No, not at all. What I'm saying is: take the situation and put yourself in control.
> 
> Going out for drinks with them, and being "cool", IS controlling. But it's not controlling HER.
> 
> There's a huge difference. He WOULD be in control - he's there, he's being cool, he's in charge.
> 
> That kind of control is warranted. Laying down the law to your partner, is not, imo. Her being told what she can and can't do is not going to bring her close to her husband. Her husband being cool about it (with the caveat to her that he is not comfortable, but he'll go along with it) is a sign of his strength, if anything.


Wrong. Take it from me. My wife, then my gf, talked me into one of these meet her ex for drinks things back in the 80's, and the events of that night haunt me to this day and have caused many issues in our marriage. No contact at all is my sage advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm

jay1365 said:


> Wrong. Take it from me. My wife, then my gf, talked me into one of these meet her ex for drinks things back in the 80's, and the events of that night haunt me to this day and have caused many issues in our marriage. No contact at all is my sage advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Fair enough, it happened to you, even though you did the "right thing". But I still feel very strongly that this is the best option. Even the best options in all aspects of life won't work out 100%. But I can promise you that the odds are much, much higher.


----------



## bandit.45

Ex lovers and partners have no place in a marriage. 

That's what marriage is : forsaking all others. 

Forsake. Strong, tough word with finality to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dad&Hubby

alexm said:


> No, not at all. What I'm saying is: take the situation and put yourself in control.
> 
> Going out for drinks with them, and being "cool", IS controlling. But it's not controlling HER.
> 
> There's a huge difference. He WOULD be in control - he's there, he's being cool, he's in charge.
> 
> That kind of control is warranted. Laying down the law to your partner, is not, imo. Her being told what she can and can't do is not going to bring her close to her husband. Her husband being cool about it (with the caveat to her that he is not comfortable, but he'll go along with it) is a sign of his strength, if anything.


Yes I TOTALLY agree. My wife wouldn't be going out for drinks with an ex without me.

But even more than that, my wife wouldn't be going out with an ex for drinks AT ALL. Not because of me "putting my foot down", but because she knows it's inappropriate.

Now let's say my wife wasn't the woman I married and a different type of woman who got wrapped up in the moment and wanted to go out for drinks, my response wouldn't be "NO YOU CAN'T". My response would be "Do you think that's really a good idea and appropriate. Also do you mind if I set something up for the two of us to meet up with Elena?"

Elena is an ex of mine who my wife had expressed some jealousy over early on because Elena and I had a strong relationship, but it wasn't meant to be for a long term, life long relationship. We had this weird history where we met as little kids and were each other's first kiss at like 9, then never saw each other again. Then in our 30's we met randomly and realized who each other was. So yeah, my wife didn't like that story in the beginning of our relationship (well she thought it was crazy and interesting, as long as I wasn't meeting up with Elena again LOL).


----------



## jay1365

alexm said:


> Fair enough, it happened to you, even though you did the "right thing". But I still feel very strongly that this is the best option. Even the best options in all aspects of life won't work out 100%. But I can promise you that the odds are much, much higher.


But that's my point. I did not have clear boundries at the time. If I did, I would have made her choose then and there. Granted we weren't married, but the principle is the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## azteca1986

alem, you use words and phrases like "control" "forbidding" and "throwing a fit". If that's the dynamic that's evident in the interactions with your spouse, well...

It's no more difficult than persuading your wife that she needs to put on her seat belt even for a quick run to the shops. I trust _her_ driving but she has no control over other road users, dogs, cats, etc.

When you get married you willingly give up the right to think or act selfishly. If your spouse asks you to do their best to protect the marriage, you comply. It's not 'control', we look out for each other.

We've got along fine without the ex who she hasn't seen in _x_ years. No big loss. And of course the same understanding applies to me.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

My wife isn't going on a date with or without me that includes another man let alone an ex. The same applies to me. This was established long before we became serious. Yes, call it what you will. Meeting up with another man, to catch up on old times, is a date to me. Oh and to the original question nope, no FB conversations with an old flame. The problem is, she will never tell you who is an ex again. That's what makes FB fun and insidious at the same time.


----------



## F-102

At the risk of scaring the OP away, I'm gonna trot it out:

Right now, the texts/conversations may be innocent, but they may soon morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're a great husband
How you're an excellent father
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she sometimes feels like you're not "there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could never give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How selfish you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a**hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's been secretly talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

I asked my wife how it moved from "Love" to I love you.

She said they were texting and he said he was depressed. 
She said something positive and he said "I love how you" blah blah blah. If I was Superman, I would have melted her face off. I had to walk away because I couldn't believe she fell for something I used when I was a TEENAGER.

Funny how that innocuous comment, over time, eventually morphed into an "I love you" and an "I love you too" exchange. Funny because at our ages it should have been obvious what he was doing.

Yes, call me vindictive, but I don't let things fly because society says a man is a stalker, controlling or abusive when he wants to protect his marriage.


----------



## alexm

Totally agree with everything you say, except for the first part. That's a dynamic that is NOT in my relationship, and (I believe) shouldn't be in anybody's. That was my point.

As far as the seatbelt metaphor, I like your point of view. However, I would hope that my spouse would already know to put on a seatbelt. I feel the same about this situation - I would hope my spouse would know that it's not kosher.

However, as I've said, this particular situation is not the same - she has told him about it, and has invited him to come along. The ball is now in his court as to how he reacts to that. I've outline my choices above. And I've also mentioned that it's not great of her to have put him in that position in the first place (I agree, it shouldn't have even got to the point that they may go out for a drink, with or without her partner present, or even his knowledge). But this is the position he's in, and he now holds the cards.



azteca1986 said:


> alem, you use words and phrases like "control" "forbidding" and "throwing a fit". If that's the dynamic that's evident in the interactions with your spouse, well...
> 
> It's no more difficult than persuading your wife that she needs to put on her seat belt even for a quick run to the shops. I trust _her_ driving but she has no control over other road users, dogs, cats, etc.
> 
> When you get married you willingly give up the right to think or act selfishly. If your spouse asks you to do their best to protect the marriage, you comply. It's not 'control', we look out for each other.
> 
> We've got along fine without the ex who she hasn't seen in _x_ years. No big loss. And of course the same understanding applies to me.


----------



## azteca1986

alexm said:


> As far as the seatbelt metaphor, I like your point of view. However, I would hope that my spouse would already know to put on a seatbelt. I feel the same about this situation - *I would hope* my spouse would know that it's not kosher.


See, there's the difference right there. My wife knows.

Why? Because I shared F102's excellent post with her (many thanks F-102). I asked her at which point did she feel the conversation crossed the line. The escalation is so gentle, so "we're just good friends" that it's clear a person can find themselves in the thick of it without even knowing it. 

The answer to my question, of course, is: right before the conversation started. There's no room in our marriage for ex's. There's no need for either of us to be called "controlling" because this firm, clear boundary has been mutually agreed way before the innocent friend request has even been made.

Getting married is easy; it's the staying married that's the tricky bit. It takes, not work, but conscious effort and thought. Our marriage is too important to us that we're willing to leave it to a flimsy thing like 'hope'.



> However, as I've said, this particular situation is not the same - she has told him about it, and has invited him to come along. The ball is now in his court as to how he reacts to that. I've outline my choices above. And I've also mentioned that it's not great of her to have put him in that position in the first place (I agree, it shouldn't have even got to the point that they may go out for a drink, with or without her partner present, or even his knowledge). *But this is the position he's in, and he now holds the cards.*


I'm not sure. But it is up to him to exhibit firm decisive action. Ex's are threats. Some big. Some small. Who wants to take the gamble with their marriage to find out?

OP should show F-102's post to his wife. It's brilliantly written. Then, perhaps, she too can see the danger of these kind of interactions.


----------



## bandit.45

Couple, 

You said this in another one of your threads:



> I have no problem with my wife's sexual history and I don't refuse to face it like you seem to. Of course it's complicated. I partly find it intriguing, sexy and yes, some of it makes me a little on edge (isn't that a good thing?) and perhaps slightly jealous. Sometimes I find some of the things she did a little shocking. This mix of emotion is healthy and when you put it all together, it excites me.


How do you feel now?


----------



## couple

Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.

I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.

The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now. 
I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:

-this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.

-she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.

-in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts

-she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.

-she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!

-he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"

That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good - 

-he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
-he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
-then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


----------



## anchorwatch

couple said:


> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good -
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.




His sex rank is higher than your's. 

She gets a rush of dopamine from him. 

Take the "Red Pill"!!!


----------



## azteca1986

couple said:


> When she left her FB open, i saw that it was HER who suggested that they might meet up next time he's in town.


It's never 'innocent' when your wife agrees to go on a date with an ex.

What's stopping you from putting an end to this before it escalates further?


----------



## Dad&Hubby

couple said:


> Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.
> 
> I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.
> 
> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good -
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


This is where I WOULD become controlling. If my wife devoted that much of her emotional energy to an ex....She'd have to make a choice. Him or me. Humans have a finite amount of emotional energy, what goes to him doesn't go to you. I'd want to see him defriended and blocked or she can have him. I'm not going to have a partial wife.


----------



## bandit.45

Dad&Hubby said:


> This is where I WOULD become controlling. If my wife devoted that much of her emotional energy to an ex....She'd have to make a choice. Him or me.  Humans have a finite amount of emotional energy, what goes to him doesn't go to you. I'd want to see him defriended and blocked or she can have him. * I'm not going to have a partial wife*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## PHTlump

alexm said:


> Going out for drinks with them, and being "cool", IS controlling. But it's not controlling HER.
> 
> There's a huge difference. He WOULD be in control - he's there, he's being cool, he's in charge.


Wrong. He would be a third wheel on his wife's date with her ex. He would be on the verge of willingly cuckolding himself. That's not cool. That's not in charge. That is the definition of weakness.



> Her being told what she can and can't do is not going to bring her close to her husband.


It depends on what kind of marriage you're talking about. If the wife's vows said, "I vow to do whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want," then I agree that she will probably resent her husband trying to guard her against other suitors. However, if her wedding vows included promises of exclusivity for her husband, then she may very well appreciate the fact that he cares enough to try to help her maintain her vows.



> Her husband being cool about it (with the caveat to her that he is not comfortable, but he'll go along with it) is a sign of his strength, if anything.


You think that telling your wife that you don't want her going on a date with an ex, but you refuse to stop it, is a sign of strength? I don't think that word means what you think it means.


----------



## anotherguy

anchorwatch said:


> His sex rank is higher than your's...


...here we go again...


----------



## PHTlump

alexm said:


> I think what a lot of people are missing here, is that we are only in control of ourselves.


Not at all. No one is suggesting that the OP lock his wife in the basement to keep her from seeing her ex. We're suggesting that he tell his wife that, if she stays in contact with her ex, the marriage will be adversely affected. Because he is going to have a big problem with her behavior. That's called being in control of yourself.

Telling your wife that you don't want her to see her ex, but you refuse to enforce any consequences if she chooses to do it, is being in control of nothing. Not even yourself.



> Affairs don't happen because the cheater says "oh, everything's great in life". They do it for a reason. That reason, unfortunately, is usually because they are not fulfilled in some aspect of their marriage.


You are half right. Affairs are like crimes. And any crime buff can tell you that crimes require motive and opportunity. All the motive in the world won't result in action if there is no opportunity.

The OP's wife may be happy, unhappy, or somewhere in between. But if she's not in contact with her ex, she's not going to be doing anything inappropriate with him. It's as simple as that.



> If she does have intentions, then showing her you have faith in her may change her mind.


Wow. Just wow. Nobody that knows anything about marriage, or infidelity can take that seriously. Dude, just go read some threads on the Coping With Infidelity board to clue you in on how bad an idea that is.


----------



## Thor

I have not read any of the responses yet, but I expect my answer is a repeat of 99.999% of what has already been said.

UNacceptable to have exes as friends. Only the absolute minimum required contact is safe (such as parenting issues with mutual children).

My wife was contacted by her first lover/bf a few years ago. *One* simple contact was all it took to get her hooked back in to him. They had not had contact for 25+ years at all. She fought me _hard_ when I asked her to unfriend him.

It is a matter of boundaries you as a couple put around your marriage. It is what you two do together to keep your relationship safe and cared for. 

Brad Paisley-FaceBook Friends - YouTube

I cried the first time I heard this song.


----------



## Thor

My sister is a therapist and does a fair amount of marriage counseling. She tells me that not only has infidelity skyrocketed the past few years, _every single case of infidelity_ she sees now involves FaceBook or other major social media.


----------



## azteca1986

PHTlump said:


> You think that telling your wife that you don't want her going on a date with an ex, but you refuse to stop it, is a sign of strength? I don't think that word means what you think it means.


I agree. The first step to fixing a problem is acknowledging that you have one on your hands. The OP asks the question "Wife on Facebook with Ex - Threat?". Yes, of course it's a threat, especially if the ex is:



> BTW, he's single, wealthy and attractive.


If the OP continues to fail to see a threat under the circumstances, then that is part of his 50% of the problem in this situation. 

If after recognising the threat he fails to act, with resolve, then that's the rest.


----------



## Thor

There are two specific reasons the FB contact is extremely dangerous. (There are probably more but these are two of the big ones I am aware of).

1) There is a normal escalation of familiarity which is required before two people become intimately involved, either emotionally or sexually. When the two people already have had a romantic and sexual relationship, they have already made all of those steps in the past. So they can go from zero to fully involved in an affair literally in one get together.

2) Women can have a feeling that they are young again when they meet an ex. Their relationship occurred when they were young and perhaps more physically attractive. Revisiting with an old friend brings those memories and feelings back, which can be misinterpreted as new love or new attraction. She may want to get back those past great times she remembers. Basically, she falls quickly into a fantasy of being young and carefree again.


----------



## Philat

alexm said:


> Totally agree with everything you say, except for the first part. That's a dynamic that is NOT in my relationship, and (I believe) shouldn't be in anybody's. That was my point.
> 
> As far as the seatbelt metaphor, I like your point of view. However, I would hope that my spouse would already know to put on a seatbelt. I feel the same about this situation - I would hope my spouse would know that it's not kosher.
> 
> However, as I've said, this particular situation is not the same - she has told him about it, and has invited him to come along. The ball is now in his court as to how he reacts to that. I've outline my choices above. And I've also mentioned that it's not great of her to have put him in that position in the first place (I agree, it shouldn't have even got to the point that they may go out for a drink, with or without her partner present, or even his knowledge). But this is the position he's in, and he now holds the cards.


Small point of order: OP said nothing about meeting for drinks. That specific piece of "information" was inserted into the discussion by one of the posters. If there were a meeting it could be nothing more than 30 minutes at Starbucks, with husband right there.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Here is my issue. She downplayed the contact. She gets kudos for being upfront, then loses it for making it sound mutual and organic. When he looks at the FB coversation:


> i saw that *it was HER who suggested that they might meet up next time he's in town. **I'm not happy that she escalated the dialog like this or created this tension.* He's in town regularly and we really don't need this kind of distraction in our relationship.


This is an ex, not some old friend or even an unrequited love. When their romance ended, they ended. Nope, I can't stop an adult from doing anything, but I can make sure they understand my vehemently "controlling," "jealous"and "vindictive" feelings about our marriage concering an ex. Oh, I can handle being labeled to protect my marriage and my family as well.


----------



## anotherguy

Any way you slice it - hanging around with an old fling or ex is - or can be - treacherous territory. Even with perfectly harmless and platonic intent - people can be caught unaware by themselves.

Look at the long time relationship people on this board or in your real life. Its the kind of situation wise couples intentionally avoid.

There is plenty of doom and gloom and predictions of disaster and overcautiousness around this board as many here have been hurt - but when it comes to this I agree. Its just a bad decision.


----------



## treyvion

anotherguy said:


> Any way you slice it - hanging around with an old fling or ex is - or can be - treacherous territory. Even with perfectly harmless and platonic intent - people can be caught unaware by themselves.
> 
> Look at the long time relationship people on this board or in your real life. Its the kind of situation wise couples intentionally avoid.
> 
> There is plenty of doom and gloom and predictions of disaster and overcautiousness around this board as many here have been hurt - but when it comes to this I agree. Its just a bad decision.


It's bad to be in close quarters or in the residence of an ex. But in the world, its a cool thing to do.


----------



## PHTlump

Philat said:


> Small point of order: OP said nothing about meeting for drinks. That specific piece of "information" was inserted into the discussion by one of the posters. If there were a meeting it could be nothing more than 30 minutes at Starbucks, with husband right there.


It really doesn't matter much whether she suggested meeting for drinks, coffee, dinner, a movie, or naked time at his hotel. It's a date. I don't think husbands should allow their wives to date other men. Even if they go along to chaperone.


----------



## azteca1986

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Here is my issue. She downplayed the contact. She gets kudos for being upfront, then loses it for making it sound mutual and organic.


Spot on. It's the first smidgen of deceit, which wouldn't be there if this interaction was as innocent as claimed/perceived/presented.


----------



## Iver

Thor said:


> There are two specific reasons the FB contact is extremely dangerous. (There are probably more but these are two of the big ones I am aware of).
> 
> 1) There is a normal escalation of familiarity which is required before two people become intimately involved, either emotionally or sexually. When the two people already have had a romantic and sexual relationship, they have already made all of those steps in the past. So they can go from zero to fully involved in an affair literally in one get together.
> 
> 2) Women can have a feeling that they are young again when they meet an ex. Their relationship occurred when they were young and perhaps more physically attractive. Revisiting with an old friend brings those memories and feelings back, which can be misinterpreted as new love or new attraction. She may want to get back those past great times she remembers. Basically, she falls quickly into a fantasy of being young and carefree again.


Last year I would have thought this is simply conjecture but a family member had this exact thing happen with his wife. It was an ex-boyfriend from many years ago. They are getting divorced now.

This is bad news. Take it very seriously and deal with it now.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

couple said:


> Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.
> 
> I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.
> 
> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> *That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good *-
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


OP:
what you are implying with this assessment is that your wife's love for you is easily compromised by this guy, or easlily compromised in general. or she is inordinantly self-centered about most things. i.e. you don't trust her. Or am I missing something? (see my bolded passage above)

I don't blame you for being resentful and angry, I certainly would be. but no one should have to walk on eggshells with their spouse. gotta have clear, straightforward communication. i.e. if you haven't used those exact words with her (e.g. "I am resentful and angry that you have persisted with communication with this guy when I told you from the beginning I didn't like it. I especially am not interested in the meetup, with or without me"). tell her it is a boundary issue for you - and that her crossing that boundary, now that you have cleared stated your feelings, is nothing less than an ACT OF DISRESPECT TOWARD YOU as her husband.

now it sounds like her response to this could be detrimental to your marriage (e.g. taking it underground, telling you you're somhtering her etc.). if you need to make the point clearer to her, maybe you should pick one of her boundaries (hopefully she has some; things she doesn't want you to do because you're married to her) and violate it, depending on what it is of course. does she mind if you go to bars or clubs without her? strip clubs? use online porn; use it at home on a shared computer? etc. I think for some people this can help them to "get it." 

if that doesn't work or won't work - then ultimately she sounds like the kind of wife that you need to be willing to lose, if it comes to that. you at least have to be more willing to walk away from the marriage than she is. If you don't have the power advantage in a relationship with this kind of person then she'll walk all over you. I think your daily mantra should be - _if I have to, I'll do fine without her_.


----------



## movin on

Barney Fife - Nip It5.flv - YouTube


----------



## anotherguy

treyvion said:


> It's bad to be in close quarters or in the residence of an ex. But in the world, its a cool thing to do.


I agree mostly. Casual contact..OK. Professional relationship - no problem. I don't believe in the 'no contact' thing. But going out together, alone, I feel is something that can be quite different. 

$#hit happens.


----------



## Shaggy

couple said:


> Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.
> 
> I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.
> 
> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good -
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


So you are stuck playing the passive game of I hope he doesnt notice her and take her from me

Bad strategy, get out in front of the problem instead of hoping it won't end badly for you.


----------



## MEM2020

Couple,
Didn't your wife tell you a year ago that she wanted a divorce?

If so, might I suggest you stop the scenario analysis and simply ask your wife a question? 

Are you really willing to jeopardize our marriage by insisting on seeing an ex sex partner who you were never friends with, and who will at best see you as a short term or very infrequent 'friend with benefits'?

Any outcome other than an 'unfriend' should result in you doing a 180. 











couple said:


> Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.
> 
> I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.
> 
> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good -
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


----------



## movin on

how many times has it played out here.
wifes ex sent her a fb message asking to get together for lunch,i sure didnt want to seem like a caveman and control her,so i said go ahead honey,have fun.

2 weeks later he finds out their sexting all day and night and started humping like little jack rabbits.

then he finds tam and says "should i tell his wife or would that be vindictive?i sure would hate to break up his marriage"


----------



## Entropy3000

Thor said:


> There are two specific reasons the FB contact is extremely dangerous. (There are probably more but these are two of the big ones I am aware of).
> 
> 1) There is a normal escalation of familiarity which is required before two people become intimately involved, either emotionally or sexually. When the two people already have had a romantic and sexual relationship, they have already made all of those steps in the past. So they can go from zero to fully involved in an affair literally in one get together.
> 
> 2) Women can have a feeling that they are young again when they meet an ex. Their relationship occurred when they were young and perhaps more physically attractive. Revisiting with an old friend brings those memories and feelings back, which can be misinterpreted as new love or new attraction. She may want to get back those past great times she remembers. Basically, she falls quickly into a fantasy of being young and carefree again.


Very true.

I have run into to exes, gotten the good to see you and the we cannot pick iup where we left off speech and been in bed in less than two hours. If I was really pushing it it could have been sooner but it was typically them that drove it in that dorection. 

So it is pretty much instant rebonding. Flood gates. Once you have had sex with someone or just been very close you know the chemistry is already there. It short circuits everything.


----------



## Entropy3000

Philat said:


> Small point of order: OP said nothing about meeting for drinks. That specific piece of "information" was inserted into the discussion by one of the posters. If there were a meeting it could be nothing more than 30 minutes at Starbucks, with husband right there.


The above is better than the other alternatives but I will tell you it is still quite dangerous. It gets people thinking. It is a reason to continue contact.

"It was so great seeing you yesterday. Your husband is so lucky. You looked even better than I remember and you know how hot you used to make me. <insert memory lane story here about the time you first got naked together or whatever>. I am sure he never leaves you alone ... and this is where the spin begins about how foolish he was to let you get away from him and how he would have treated you like a princess and on and on. Not so terse but a complete excuse to open up a dialgoue or to setup the next meeting. It is an ice breaker. Feelings are still there. Is it safer with your spouse. Oh hell ya. But much better to not meet at all.

See when we have a lover or just someone we fell in love with ... if we break NC the feelings start to come back. I do not care if it has been 30+ years. Trust me on this. And it is lightening fast. I speak from experience.


----------



## tom67

Entropy3000 said:


> The above is better than the other alternatives but I will tell you it is still quite dangerous. It gets people thinking. It is a reason to continue contact.
> 
> "It was so great seeing you yesterday. Your husband is so lucky. You looked even better than I remember and you know how hot you used to make me. <insert memory lane story here about the time you first got naked together or whatever>. I am sure he never leaves you alone ... and this is where the spin begins about ho foolish he was to let you get away from him and how he would have treated you like a princess and on and on. Not so terse but a complete excuse to open up a dialgoue or to setup the next meeting. It is an ice breaker. Feelings are still there. Is it safer with your spouse. Oh hell ya. But much better to not meet at all.
> 
> See when we have a lover or just someone we fell in love with ... if we break NC the feelings start to come back. I do not care if it has been 30+ years. Trust me on this. And it is lightener fast. I speak from experience.


He will be in CWI if he let's this go I hope I'm wrong.


----------



## Entropy3000

tom67 said:


> He will be in CWI if he let's this go I hope I'm wrong.


No question. It is absurdly likely.


----------



## F-102

couple said:


> Thanks for your replies so far. I've read each one.
> 
> I'm sure that this is a pretty innocent thing so far. As I said in my original post, there was a very innocent and understandable reason why he connected with her at this point. I also said that they had many mutual FB friends for a long time and never connected all this time.
> 
> The worry is where this can go rather than what's there now.
> I can see F-102s scenario as a possibility at some point. however, I don't think it will continue down this linear path like that. The much more likely shorter term scenario before that level of interaction even has a possibility to take place is:
> 
> -this stream of contact dies down -he's busy and already has a huge social circle, she doesn't continue because she heard at least some of what i was saying. this communication stream ends.
> 
> -she sees all of his public posts - his exciting life. intriguing. he's sooo cool. little crush develops while she quietly watches.
> 
> -in a couple of months she sees he's in town or planning to be in town from his public wall posts
> 
> -she gets a tinge of excitement from this. perhaps she 'likes' one of these public posts to remind him she's out there.
> 
> -she waits to see if he'll contact her about the meet up that was discussed for his next visit into town. It feels like the excitement of dating to her - "will he call (PM) me? Will he? Will he?" How exciting!
> 
> -he (probably innocently and coolly) PMs her about the possibility of a meet up. that sends her up in the clouds. "Oh sh&t - I have to deal with my husband now. He's such a pain in the a--. I feel so smothered"
> 
> That scenario is something we don't need in our lives and i'm resentful and angry that she has set this scenario up to happen. It was easily avoidable. An outcome similar to above is inevitable-I really don't see any other outcome other than this or variations on this, none of which are very good -
> 
> -he never PMs her when he's in town but she gets excited every time he publicly posts that he's in town (perhaps even nervously going into town hoping to meet).
> -he does PM her when he's in town but she wants to avoid problems with me and makes excuses not to meet up. then she's resentful for me standing in the way.
> -then, of course, there are the more sinister scenarios involving taking it underground.


This is amazing: your prognosis for the longevity for your M is not good. And yet, you seem to be willing to watch the disaster unfold before your eyes, almost as if you are more concerned with being proven right than keeping your M together.

Face the facts: she now has the possibility of hooking up with an ex who looks better to her the second time around. In short, she now has the toxic idea in her head that she can do better than you. And her giving you a heads up about him and inviting you along for their "date" is just a way for her to say that you are okay with her behavior, i.e., giving her a "hall pass".

If you're really okay with going with her on this "date", where her eyes and full attention are on HIM, and you're just the third wheel who is quite content to be c*ckblocked out of his own marriage, then I can guarantee you that she will indeed see him as the better deal.

And even though she said that she wanted you to come along, don't be surprised if she starts trying to talk you into staying home as the "date" night looms nearer.

This happened to a guy I know. He had a happy marriage and trusted his W with every fiber of his being. One day, she found out that her ex-bf was passing thru town; he was a musician who was playing at the club, and had asked her to come see the gig. At first, the W was delighted to have her H come along, but as the night of the gig drew nearer, she started trying to convince him that he would be "bored" if he went and became more and more adamant that he just stay home. The H protested, telling her that married people shouldn't see exes, at least not without their spouse there. Of course, she started throwing the "jealous/controlling/abusive" cards at him, and demanded that he trust her, and swore up and down that nothing would happen: she would even bring along her GFs . He said "Okay", and let her go to the gig with her GFs. When she got home, she swore again that nothing happened, and her GFs even confirmed this: they were with her all night and never let her out of their sight.

Ah, but he had an ace up his sleeve: he had a friend go to the gig and watch her, and sure enough, the H was treated to vids of the ex-bf and his W in a booth with their hands and lips all over each other, and then the both of them going into his van for a quickie after the show, all while the GFs got stoned at the bar. 

My uncle handled the divorce proceedings.


----------



## F-102

couple said:


> What's the general opinion of being friends with exes on FB?
> 
> My wife accepted a friend request from an ex from the distant past and when he PM'd her to say hi (all innocent on the surface) she carried on the dialog by asking all kinds of questions, etc rather than maintaining a cool distance and letting it die out (or better, just ignoring the friend request). They have had many mutual FB friends for years without becoming friends. Then one friend suggested that he 'say hi' to her because they have a mutual interest - just very casual and not uncommon with friends. This is what triggered the friending so it didn't just come out of the blue. She was up front with me about all of this and told me that they casually mentioned a possible meet up when he's in town. She was also up front about this and assumed that I would be part of that meeting if it ever happened (yeah right). When she left her FB open, i saw that it was HER who suggested that they might meet up next time he's in town. I'm not happy that she escalated the dialog like this or created this tension. He's in town regularly and we really don't need this kind of distraction in our relationship.
> 
> She's acting like this is just any old friend and that it's all really normal. However, they were never really friends outside of their romantic relationship. I don't really see the need for them to be FB friends and certainly not to meet up to 'catch up'. But I also don't want to drive it underground, nor do i want to make it seem even more forbidden. However, I do want to shut this down before any trouble begins. I'm not comfortable that FB gives them each a window into each other's lives and I don't want his future visits into town (which will be visible on FB) to create any tension for us or curiosity driven temptation for her.
> 
> BTW, he's single, wealthy and attractive. It's clear that this has caused her to be a little giddy and she found my jealousy endearing but i'm afraid that the ongoing FB connection can turn some fairly innocent giddiness into something more.
> 
> Advice? Opinions?


You say he's been in town before? Don't discount the possibility that they may have hooked up in that time, but she is now telling you about it, and getting your permission to have a "friendship" with him-sorta like the kid who gets permission to take a cookie from the cookie jar...while he already has three in his pocket! 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not accusing her of betrayal. Heck-this might very well turn out to be totally innocent! All I'm saying is: DON'T DISCOUNT THE POSSIBILITY. In situations like this, you may very well have to consider the worst-case scenario: forewarned is forearmed.


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## movin on

My wife and I spit up for a couple of months while we was still dating, she was seeing another guy for a little while during this time. We get back together and I told her if she wants to be with me there had better be no contact with this guy from now until the end of time. She agreed.

A couple years after she started using Facebook this little peckered mofo shows up on her friends list. They never messages each other or anything but it pissed me off. I called her out on it and she said "everyone is friends on FB ", but she deleted him immediately.I spent $100 for a consultation with a lawyer, I was soooo pissed. And this is after 18 years of no contact between them.


Point is if it's over between them why do they need to "catch up"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102

Any updates, OP?


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## phillybeffandswiss

couple said:


> To those urging a 'man-up': I am still in the middle of this and it is not over. My initial response to her was very robust. I need further responses to be measured to avoid digging a hole for myself and driving it underground. Although it's clear that lines were foolishly crossed, she did tell me about it and she has taken no measures to secure her FB account, her phone or anything else. The last thing i want to do is to spook her and have her tie everything down out of principle. She could have just not told me and saved herself an evening of hassle. There would have been no risk in just not mentioning it.


No, you don't need more responses. She doesn't need to meet an Ex, he's one for a reason. You don't want to "spook her," but you are running through your relationship spooked.

You know how many betrayed spouses are on here with a story that starts "but, I didn't want to be...?"
Controlling
Mean
Jealous
naive
"That guy"

Let's just say your questions is nowhere near rare, it is quite common.

Spook her? Seriously, what type of relationship do you have that you can't say "no, I do not want you seeing that person?"


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## Aspydad

When one connects with an ex, and the communication continues indefinitely - this is an emotional affair if one of the ex's is married. The reason I know this is because I did this. You cannot do this without the old feelings bubbling to the surface.

I also know this - either the EA crashes and burns or it develops into a full blown physical affair. If you wife wants to meet her ex in person now - HELLO! Where do you think this is going?

Either she discontinues the relationship or you need to do the 180 like now.

PS. THE EA I had with my ex on Facebook crashed and burned!! Her husband did not appreciate my existence in his wife’s life. I have no idea what I was thinking in developing this online communication with my long lost ex (my first love) She actually pushed the EA – I did not even know what an EA was at the time – but, I completely intruded in her marriage and was just as guilty. And yes, I was experiencing those long lost feelings – I don’t think I would have ever followed through with meeting her – but, I would have been tempted and that’s bad.


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## lifeistooshort

movin on said:


> how many times has it played out here.
> wifes ex sent her a fb message asking to get together for lunch,i sure didnt want to seem like a caveman and control her,so i said go ahead honey,have fun.
> 
> 2 weeks later he finds out their sexting all day and night and started humping like little jack rabbits.
> 
> then he finds tam and says "should i tell his wife or would that be vindictive?i sure would hate to break up his marriage"


Ha ha, I have no idea why this would be considered caveman. If my hb met any of his exes for lunch his life at home would become a living h&ll, and if it didn't stop he'd be having lunch with me cause I'd be an ex  
No good comes from chatting with exes. If you want to chat up an ex make alternate living arrangements. Maybe I'm a bit extreme but that's how I see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## solvency7

Why the longwinded posts, dude yes its a threat, bit like that harrison ford film, 'Clear and present danger' lol..yeah no seriously


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## WasDecimated

Threat...YES! Dude, He is your new enemy!

This is how the end of my 16 year marriage started...Facebook and an old school friend. Even the group of mutual old friends that they shared...eerie similarity which brought them together. The difference is my ex never dated her OM in school. This makes your situation much worse then mine and as you will see...they don't get any worse then mine was. 

She lied, denied and kept reassuring me that we were fine and he was just a friend. Within weeks they were meeting up on a regular basis.

Yes, we are divorced now.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Someone get the thread of the betrayed husband whose wife decided, after new contact with an EX, she was in love with this old lover and not her husband. 

Edit:
Found it.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/89049-should-i-move.html




> She got a message on Facebook from her ex-boyfriend last week. *They dated for 2 months, 17 years ago, *but besides me it was her longest relationship. He is a cop and is moving to be closer to his kids and needs to list all of his ex-girlfriends on his applications. She was upfront with me about it and I joked that he is just trying to find her to try and get back with her. She said "no way, he has young kids and I don't want that". She chatted with him a little on Facebook and didn't hide any of it. Just innocently filling each other in on their lives. I had a bad feeling though. He was going to be in town on an interview and she said they wanted to meet for coffee and to catch up. I expressed my concern and she insisted that I have nothing to worry about, that she is commited to us and nothing will happen.
> 
> So they meet up for about two hours a week ago Friday. Saturday she spent at home studying for finals this week while me and the boys hung out at our friend's house. Sunday she spent studying and me and the boys hung out at the house. She texted him a bit and again was upfront that they were texting and shared some of the things they talked about. Having been through this before, my gut was telling me that something was wrong so I checked our phone records and found that they had spent 2 straight hours texing on Saturday and when I checked her phone she had deleted them. So I asked her on Monday night if I could look at her texts with him. I could tell by the look on her face that we were in trouble.
> 
> *Apparently, in the two hours they spent together  at a local coffee shop, she realized that he is her one true love and is ready to throw away our 15 year relationship.* I told her that I can't keep doing this and that if she needs to "explore" her feelings for him then we are done. Either she wants to be with me or she doesn't. She said she didn't think she could feel like this about anyone and had resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn't and was ok with that. She was prepared to spend the rest of her life with me and the life we had built, but she can't ignore this. I told her that if that is her stance then we are done and she needs to move out. Of course she won't and won't leave the kids. We have been living on my income alone for the last year so are not in a good position financially. She received some inheritance money last year from her grandma and used that to get her boob job and a cruise for the family at the end of this summer and her schooling. Of course, she won't use that to move out. She is going to get a job now that school is out but until she is able and we can figure out how to handle all of this she will still be living with me.



Thanks Decimated, I was looking for your thread as well.


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