# Daughter of a Depressed Alcoholic and a Controlling Cheater



## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

Alllllright. Here I am, not knowing who to talk to really about this and I suppose I may need to get it off my chest. Or maybe I'm looking for some advice, I don't know. I just want third party thoughts. 

A little about me: I'm turning 22 soon and am graduating college, going onto graduate school. I'm trying to distance myself from my family's problems but find it difficult to do so at times. I also worry about my 17-year-old brother, who is still at home. His grades are horrible and I worry that he's falling into the wrong crowd.

My mother suffers from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism (genetic/environmental). My dad, despite what he says, is controlling, self-centered, and sometimes verbally abusive. Growing up, they fought a lot. My mom would "go to bed early", drink, then they would fight about it. A lot. All the time. I remember going to AA meetings with her when I was little (I would stay in another room with toys) but I don't think it ever really helped. 

They got married after dating for 11 months or so. And, from what I've picked up from over the years, he was always a flirt. Still is. But I guess my mom overlooked it and put up with it because she thought he'd change and settle down...get used to marriage, I guess. They fought, she started drinking, never left, thought it would get better.......then she had me, 9 years after getting married. Since then, she's stuck around, claiming the only reason why she stays around is because of us kids.

I don't completely buy it. I'm on my own living-wise. My brother plans to go off into the military as soon as he graduates high school to get out of the house. My mom is completely dependent on my dad. She has no job; she has not had a full-time job that has lasted for more than two years since before I was born; the only reason why she had little jobs in between is because my dad wanted her to. She stays at home all day and surfs the internet or watches TV. I believe she is afraid to leave because she has NEVER lived on her own.

My dad has always said he's giving her one more chance, one more chance then she's out...he's been saying that for as long as I remember. She's been through (and failed) numerous outpatient programs. She has been through one in-patient rehab...and has continued to drink. My dad says she needs to hit "rock bottom", a term I've grown up knowing, but he doesn't really let her, since he continues to support her. A week or so ago I was talking do my dad and I said, "No amount of you putting her in programs is going to help, she has to want to do it" and he replied, "But I'm a solver, I'm a fixer. And I cant- seem- to- fix- this- problem". Is that all it is to him? Just shuttle her around from program to program, shelling out money, while he says he's working on "being more supportive" but still being condescending, selfish, and over-critical?

He sounds like he cares...but he's a serial cheater, both emotionally and physically. My mom musters up enough courage sometimes to confront him about it, but he gets defensive and denies it completely. And he yells and he controls...he gets angry over the stupidest stuff. I've never truly seen him be supportive and loving towards her. He says he keeps trying to help because he loves her. But why would someone who loves another constantly yell and cheat on that person?

It all seems like a vicious cycle. He's controlling, she withdraws and drinks. He doesn't "feel like he's loved" and flirts/(sleeps?) with others. Mom internalizes and drinks. He doesn't like her drinking, so he gets mad....over and over and over. Years and years and years. I don't possibly know how they can break this cycle.

Yes, I want them to separate. I decided that when I was 14. They would both be happier that way, maybe. At least my mom...though I don't know if she'd better herself or just keep drinking. I know I can't do anything about it. I wish I could, but I've come to terms that I can't change anything. It's heartbreaking and exhausting for me. I worry about my brother; I really don't know how I turned out decent (besides extreme anxiety about marriage and the stupid ability to become hyper-defensive during arguments with my boyfriend), but he's still there and he's a very different person than I am. 

What should they do? What can they do? Can anyone offer any personal experiences? Is there anything I should do for my brother and for myself? Anything...I just want to get this out there. It sounds so high-schoolish, but none of my friends can understand what I'm going through, no matter how much they can listen. 

If anyone needs clarification or further detail just ask. There's a bunch that I've left out.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Wow. Our stories are very similar. The only difference is I have three younger brothers that I've always felt overly responsible for. I'm a little further down the road than you. (Mid thirties) If there is one thing I would tell my younger self, it is this. Get help like ala non and individual counseling in your early twenties and distance yourself as much as you can from your family. More than likely they will not change. There is nothing you can do for them. They are sick people. You didn't create this mess and you are not responsible for it.

I ,like you, was an overachiever in school. I went so far as to get my doctorate and thought I had escaped my parents madness because I had excelled academically. The fact was I had never developed any life skills because I had such poor examples at home. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect and not become like my parents that I cracked in my early thirties. As much as I swore I would never become an addict/alcoholic. I did. Save yourself a lot of pain and misery and get help now. I now have over a year clean and sober and have minimal contact with my family. I'm very happy now, but I still wish I had gotten help sooner.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

in my case, pop was the drinker and cheater. personally I don't 

know why mom stayed...we yeah I do...because of me. MsGP is

exactly right, the last thing in the world you think you would do is

drink but....that was me too. I saw pop (98%) verbally and 

emotionally abuse mom (and me). Physical... a few times. I 

swore I'd never drink at all....guess what...yeah. I never got as

bad as pop did, there is a point where I tell myself "you're about

to get to the point where you drink as much as pop did" and I 

back away awhile. Your parents cycle may never end. In a far

reaching possibility, they could 'lay down their weapons' but who

will be the first. Your mom had no one to turn to and masked her

pain....very common. Some women cheat for an escape. Does 

your brother want to join the military or is it to get out of the house

ASAP? Your grad school, could he attend there as undergrad? 

Would you consider living together with brother? Would you also

consider after brother leaves, asking your mom if she would 

consider a trial separation and help her find some type of

employment (maybe brother can live with her if successful).

Just throwing things out there. I remember when I was 16,

sat mom down and told her, we could move out, we would

make it. I even offered to drop out of school to work full time.

Even promised to get my GED and look into college classes.

It's tough.....one step forward, two steps back. I am in my

early 40s now and when I was your age, pop really calmed down

and treated mom really well. I'd like to think me icing him after

my surgery helped.....I'll never know. You're not expected to be 

everyone's "savior" but in a sense you feel like you are. Couple that

with grad school stress, becoming an adult, panic attacks... gives

you a multitude of -reasons- to grab a fifth of JD. Work on you first,

try to do what you can for mom and brother. I don't think your dad

will change unless your mom takes the first step to, lay down the 

bottle AND stops putting up with his demeanor.

Do 2 things

1-get IC for you NOW

2-keep posting

MsGP how is GP and his post-TAM days?


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

Oh wow...hearing that both of you slipped into drinking surprises and concerns me, since I've sworn to never drink....I've been going to group counseling and it's helped some, mainly to help me see my insecurities and where they've come from...but not really any advice on how to work on them! I'll continue it more during grad school, most definitely. 

And it's hard to break ties and distance myself, since my dad can be overbearing...and he helps pay for school, so he basically plays the "well, I'm paying for your college, you're not as independent as you think you are, I have a say in things as long as I'm paying". But, next year, I'm going into a bunch of debt but I'm going to not ask for help if I can manage without it. 

I've told my mom to leave and she just says "Psh, yeah, I wish" or that her counselor told her to not make any "major life changes" for a year after getting out of in-patient rehab, since the stress may cause relapse...well, i don't know what's gonna happen now, since she already has relapsed. 

My brother is mainly going into the military because he knows he needs a good kick in the butt to get his life into gear (he hates this routine of sitting in front of the computer everyday, but doesn't have the motivation to change it) as well as to get some sort of discipline; he doesn't respect our parents very much. He's basically wanting to send himself to bootcamp. After that, he's going somewhere for college...but, by then, I'll have graduated PT school. That would actually be kinda cool living with him, and we've jokingly ("jokingly", as if haha, I wish that were realistic) talked about it, but it's not in the cards. 

As far as continuing posting, like posting my own stuff? I've lurked a lot on the site, to help calm my own worries about my relationship, and I think there's a rule where you have to contribute as well as post questions/issues...but I'm not married, so I don't have a lot of advice for people on here. I don't know what I'd be able to contribute haha.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Don't worry about how much you contribute to other threads. You never know who may read your thread and be able to relate.

As far as your mother goes, did she attend AA post rehab? Get a sponsor? All that good stuff. It sounds like she didn't. That most likely is the reason for your mother's relapse not your father's behaviors. We like to blame our drinking on others and our life situations, but that's a load of bs. We drink because that's what alcoholics do when they are not actively working a program of recovery on a daily basis. The best hope for her staying sober and getting strong enough to change the dynamics of her marriage or leave it all together, is AA. But all you can do is suggest it. If she's not willing to go there is nothing you can do.


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## lerapp (Dec 29, 2013)

I'm not really sure if she got a sponser...up until recently she never talked about her issues openly. Maybe I'll ask...after getting out of the intense inpatient stuff, she had to go to two different kinds of followup meetings but either she "graduated" from those then started up again, lied to them, or flunked out. I don't really know the details since I live across the country right now. And when I call my parents, that's not really something I bring up willingly. But if it does come up I'll ask about it. She doesn't know that I know she's been at it again though so it might be awkward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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