# 2nd time hurts much worse



## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 20 years (married for 15). Husband had an affair 6 years ago. We went to counseling for a few months, things eventually got better and our marriage felt stronger. I think there were probably still some issues that each of us should have continued going to counseling for (as individuals) but didn't. Over the past 6 years we eventually got back into the old rut again. Didn't make time for us, didn't communicate like we should have, still have fun together but kind of feel like roommates rather than husband and wife. He started a new job and worked very long hours. Only three staff total and one happened to be a younger woman that was there with him alot. About 4-5 months ago I started getting a gut feeling that something might be going on. I began looking for his cell phone b/c I noticed he didn't leave it on the shelf by his keys anymore. This was noticeable to me b/c the last time he was "found out" was from me finding text messages. Well two nights ago I was on our computer and he had left his email up. I found evidence that it happened again and it is with the woman he worked with. He and she both are no longer with the same company. I confronted him, I cried, thought I might die from the sinking stomach and pain. He hugged me and said how sorry he was. Told me it is over. We haven't talked about it much yet b/c I'm too upset. I am trying to get my thoughts together before I talk to him. I don't know what to do. How could he let it happen again if he loves me and knows how badly it hurt me the first time? He said he doesn't know what is wrong with him. He feels like he gets flattering attention and then let the friendship turn into more. I think it may have to do with self esteem and the need to make up for the emotional bond he may not be feeling with me at the time? I don't know!!! If I do stay and we go to counseling again, am I being stupid? I don't want to be one of those people that continually let this happen but I also have a hard time imaging my life without him. We have two daughters and I know it would kill them if we split. Not sure what to do.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

> If I do stay and we go to counseling again, am I being stupid?


No, you are not being stupid. In fact, you are far from it. You already have identified the reason this has happened again:



> Over the past 6 years we eventually got back into the old rut again. Didn't make time for us, didn't communicate like we should have, still have fun together but kind of feel like roommates rather than husband and wife.


And possibly (although not as likely): 



> I think there were probably still some issues that each of us should have continued going to counseling for (as individuals) but didn't.


(In my experience, this in reality has a lot less to do with the choices people make as it does with the EXCUSES they use to explain those choices.)

Marriage takes constant work: setting up time alone time for yourselves, always working to determine how things are going, always treating the marriage as if it were one of the most important things in your life. When we begin to forget all that - things start to fall apart again. 

You are certainly within your moral right to move on - but not obliged. My advice: take this as a warning that you two need to pay more attention to each other over the years, and commit to that. Marriages that overcome this hurdle are the strongest I've ever seen.

As for your husband - either he, or that Other Woman needs to leave the job and find a new one. Pure and simple, make that a condition of recovery.


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## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

Tanelornpete,

Thank you for your quick response to my post. Your response is very comforting to me. I have been looking for a situation similar to mine to get a feel for what others have done but I guess no two situations are alike anyway. It's comforting to hear that even after cheating twice there still could be hope. My close friend is very worried about me getting hurt again if I give him yet another chance. I am worried about that as well. But as I contemplate what I am going to do I keep thinking how if we get help together it could end up being worth it in the end. Luckily my husband and this other woman both no longer work together. He has a new job and at least that is one thing I won't have to worry about.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wouldn't pretend to know what is best for you, as I am sure you are the only one that holds the key to that. I will make a point of a few things you can think over before you make any decisions though. 

1.) Seriously think about your anxiety and think about how you will feel anytime he doesn't answer his phone or is late.

2.) Dig deep down and be honest with yourself about whether or not you will forgive him. This one is harder than just making a choice to, the follow through is where it gets tough LOL

3.) I realize that you got into the same rut in which he sought out another affair. BUT what is he going to do to stop that behavior if/when things start getting back that way? He should know by now that an affair isn't the answer, so maybe ask him what he plans to do to ensure he doesn't go that path a third time.

I wish you all the best honey. I know you are on a hard path, but please do post here if you need any support or have any questions. Everyone here has been great with helping me through my H's affair.


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