# Do you think this is a form of cheating?



## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

Hello -

I need some advice. I am so confused!!! 

Last year I came across a conversation my husband was having with a woman that was extremely sexual. He was talking to her while playing Words With Friends - so I was not sneaking looking through his phone or in his emails. But it was on the family Ipad and I rarely use it. I just happen to want to try Words With Friends rather then the Scrabble I usually play.

Anyway, he swore that he would not talk with the person again. And even showed me the text message that he sent her telling her how important his family was to him and talking with her was interfering with it.

Fast forward to a year later (yesterday) and I again found he talking with a lady on Words With Friends. I did not realize it until yesterday that his games show up on my Iphone (he set my phone up with his Icloud account when I first got it but never realized how it keeps all his stuff on my phone. My scrabble was down all day (okay I may have a Scrabble problem  ) and always like to play a few games before I fall asleep. So again, I said let me try Words With Friends on my Iphone and play a game or two - this is where I found another long conversation with a woman. This one wasn't sexual but u could tell by the conversation that they had been talking a while as she knew quite a bit about him - even asking him how is 3 days off were this week.
I became very upset and told my husband what I found. I told him that he said he would do anything like that again and I found someone else he was talking with? Like I said I was upset but at that point was dealing with it as it wasn't sexual (at least what I could read) like the last one. He was at work so being upset I decided to sleep in the spare bedroom. I did add a note in the Words For Friends conversation that I was his wife and it was so nice to she he was enjoying such great conversation with her online (sarcastic of course).
Well this morning I was woke up to deal with this conversation (even though I didn't want to) as my husband came in the room and didn't understand why I was still upset (now mind you he hadn't event told me the worse yet). I told him that maybe I should just go tell this lady what happen last year and why I think this is so wrong.
Okay wait for it here - he then proceeded to tell me that this was the SAME woman. That she kept sending him request after request and he finally got bothered so much that he accepted it (yeah right). He said I wasn't going to talk to her just play Words With Friends with her. When I asked why was he talking with her then, he said "she kept trying to talk to me and talk to me so I just couldn't not talk" - reminder here that he said he would not talk with her again .
I flipped! I mean I really flipped!! I could not believe how disrespectful this was! But he didn't see it!! He still does not see why I am so upset - as he puts it - I was talking with her "like that" this time. This time? This time? There wasn't suppose to be a this time?
Does anyone else see a problem with this? :scratchhead::scratchhead:
Now mind you, I am a very easy going person and my husband has many female friends that he has known long before knowing me - and I don't mind those friendships! So I'm not the type of wife that is all over their husband about things. I think that is why I was so mad - it is very few things that I "request" that he not do. He does mostly what he wants, goes where he wants, etc. Or maybe I should become a B***** and keep tabs on him - maybe he wouldn't look upon this as something to take so lightly!
I need some opinions here. I feel so disrespected as what I felt wasn't taken seriously when I rarely stand up so strongly about something. 
Please help me sort this through.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I'm with you on this, "he doesn't understand why your upset" my foot!

He clearly has no boundaries.

The book "not just friends" is a good book for both of you to read. I'd search is email and text, as well as the cell statement to make sure he's not having an emotional affair.


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

He had an inappropriate sexual relationship with this person. That is cheating. Then he violated the no contact agreement. Now he is trying to downplay it. I can't imagine that they were not still carrying on a sexual relationship. Where does this woman live? Is she local? I would be very worried that it became physical if she is local.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Its an EA for sure....esp since it did get sexual..teasing...flirty in the past texs/chats. Its different from the other friends that are female as he is hiding it .... Or as he might say..."just thought it would bother you..."

The book Malbec suggested would be a good start to understanding the boundaries in marriage.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

That is what I said. He "says" he is very happy at home. I told him they why do you feel the need to talk to other women? and he states he doesn't scratchhead::scratchhead
I have had a few other issues in the past that I feel he just didn't understand how to respect me. There was a time about 4 years ago that a group of them from work would go out - I didn't mind that occasionally as he does it with his male friends at least once a month. But it started to happen every weekend and he wasn't coming home until 3 or 4 in the morning (and being out with a group of girls just dancing he said ). I finally said it has to stop - it is not right that a married man is going out with a bunch of woman every Friday night and not coming home until 3 or 4. I had to turn the tables on him and say - if it was me out with a group of guys every Friday night - tell me how much you would like it. He finally stopped.
We have been married 14 years and I have often told him that he has one set of rules for him and one for me. Not acceptable anymore! I'm ready to walk out! 
Feeling disrespected is the worst feeling!


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

DifferentGuy by what I understand she is not local - but that is what he tells me anyway.

I left the house as quickly as I could this morning (after says a few words that a lady does not usually use in her vocabulary) and did not return until after he left for work (mid day). I don't want to see, talk or be near him at this time and now he won't give me space. (Sounds like a guilty conscience to me :scratchhead
I just don't know what to do anymore - I just want peace and someone to just care about me.
He has so many male friends that are going through some really rough stuff with there wives right now. One wife has had an affair, got pregnant by another guy, etc and other friend is about to have a heart attack because his wife is up his a** all the time and won't give him space to breathe!). He sees all this and has a wife that is easy going, doesn't give him a hard time (just enjoy being a wife, mom, scrapbooker, etc) and he is doing this crap!


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

You guys need counseling. Using a mediator will let you listen...then speak. Their is a fence...you on one side and he on the other. Your marriage needs you both to be on the same side. The book his needs..her needs.. explains this well. 
You still care about him and he cares about you. The marriage is just going through the motions. This is when little itches turn in to big itches... Go see a counselor together.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

We have had lots of issues in our marriage and have been to MC and IC several times (MC at least 3 separate times). These past few years we seemed to have been happier then many years in the past (so I thought). He has always been difficult as he has a personality disorder (Over Compulsive Personality Disorder) where he looks at something wrong or out of place as someone did it on purpose to aggravate him and everything has to be perfect - - including me in many ways). Sometimes I don't know why I am still here. Maybe because it is my second marriage, have a daughter with him (she is 12) and don't want to see her go through what my older two did with a D. But I am getting emotionally tired and am wondering if this is just too much work especially seeing that lack of respect on his part.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You still don't know the extent of this affair. He has been lying to you about it. Why are you taking his word for anything regarding his relationship with her?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Would he like it if you had these soul mate conversations with another man? I do not think he would.

So he was supposed to be NC with her and still in contact. 

There should be some consequences so he does not keep doing this emotional affair. So now he is transparent with you and he gave you all his passwords? He has now promised to tell you if she emails him or plays this game with him? He will pay for MC and go with you? 

What is he doing to make you feel special and that you are the only woman in his life?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Does he want to save this marriage? Honestly, he has to do the heavy lifting here. If he doesn't try, the marriage is doomed. Sorry, but this is life, we all have to eat **** sandwiches sometimes.

Ask him if he would lay off all online activities for the time being and rather spend that time with you. It is about time that you restart the MC and IC again. Find a counselor who is experienced in marital and infidelity related issues. 

Be strong. Remember, your daughter needs to see either a happy marriage or at least one strong, morally upright parent. Otherwise her life view will get all screwed up.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

I slept with my daughter again last nigh (told her mommy was just having trouble sleeping and it made me feel better to hold her). Today he just gets up and starts conversation like nothing is wrong again.
I have yelled and yelled telling him my feelings and thoughts. He said sorry once and now just keeps saying "I said I was sorry". I told words mean nothing. You are right, I should expect him to be showing me some exceptional treatments at this time but he just gets up and wants to discuss the every day routine of things and sweep it under the rug. I told him that wasn't going to happen until I say it will.
I am so disappointed in this man and have told him how disrespected I feel.
I have done so much for this man in our marriage - even changed jobs because he kept complaining I wasn't making enough money! I love that job but to "pull my weight" I went back to the corporate world. Now it's his time to show me how much he will do for me and he FAILED! I think my giving has been much more then his has. :scratchhead:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I can't say for sure that he cheated on you years ago during these boys nights out; but it's certainly possible. Add these recent red flags - not acceptable; you've got to put your foot down if you choose to stay with him.

I'd simply tell him that you'll no longer accept the inappropriate crossing of marital boundaries. Then discuss what those are. Tell him if he cares anything about his marriage he'll agree; and if not, you're moving on. 

And when you draw that line in the sand; don't erase it again.

Good luck to you.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

Yesterday during the time I was expressing (yelling) that I was upset about this he said that he would delete his Words For Friends account.
This morning I went in (as now I feel I have a right to check) and see that he was still playing the games with some people. He resigned from playing with this person but didn't close his account. So when I questioned him he said - I'm only playing the people I work with. I reminded him what he promised me yesterday - - his answer "well that was when you were yelling at the top of your lungs at me! :scratchhead::scratchhead: I told him it's not a choice - and again you (meaning him) are not doing something you promised me? (What is this guy stupid?) I said close them or else. 
He started to say maybe he could open one under another ID - I said nope - not an option. Play scrabble. (I mean he knows her ID on Words With Friends). He is not trying here at all!
He said they are now closed but I don't even know if I can trust that!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Your husband is a bone head.

FB, farmwille, is how my wife got started in 2010, a very sexual EA.

My IC told me my wife would not stop and would do it again and if the guy was local it would go PA. I told my wife thise a dozen times and she said it would never happen. It happened just as my IC told me within a year. Started in early 2011, ended in April 2013.

No online games, no Pininterest, FB is now shared, no separate FB, email shared, etc. Any online game basically has chat, even the little kid ones, and it can go from there quickly.

An EA is rough and your husband not getting it just shows he is a bonehead.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I understand that it's difficult to talk to him about these things when you're seething with anger and hurt.

But, I would suggest that you try to approach him calmly and confidently, and offer him options. Not unlike pre-school teachers do with small children.

Perhaps something like: 

I can't control what you do. I don't want to control what you do. The only thing that I can control in our marriage is what I will accept from you. And I will no longer accept XYZ.

So the choice is yours. You can continue with what you're doing, knowing that it's not acceptable to me; or you can show me that you respect me and value our marriage by not continuing.

If you choose the former, then the next choice is mine. And that choice will be to move on with my life without you.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

OP,

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the start/middle of an EA. It becomes impossible to hound your spouse into compliance. The boundries must be made, but it will be his choice to abide by your wishes.

His attitude so far show that he is not very threatened by your words. He is even daring you to stop him.

It seems people chose a path to betray. Once they are heading down their path, we become a burden for them. They will roll along until life crashes down on them.

It happens to many of us.

We often say you have to be willing to end it to save it.

You probably need to decide what will end it for you. He will likely push it, until you reach that point. An emotional affair? A physical affair?

Your actions probaby need to include evidence gathering, emotional independence, and plans to move on without him.

When he crosses your boundry, be ready to file and move on. After he faces the reality, the games will be less of a priority. 

Prepare to expose him to family, the OW's circle, and mutual friends when he crosses your line. Have your evidence to justify your claims.

So sorry you are here. Sorry you are facing a defiant, disrespectul husband. You can do better.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

The strength and support I have received from you all this past 24 hours has made this much clearer to me as to what is going on and what I may have to do. 
I am still unsure how long this second "friendship" (to be kind) has been going on but I do know any amount of time is unacceptable.
I can not (nor will never) for the life of me accept his "excuses" for his lack of control here - I am devastated to say the least. Today, with the help of this board, I did hold my head higher then it was yesterday and said I'll move on if I have to. I will not allow him to play me for a fool and he will be for warned that if I find anything in the slightest out of line - that is out. (Isn't it three strikes and your out?).
We have a very comfortable life, nice little home, not a very complicated life and I am easy going. But if he is not happy - there is the door - don't let it kick you on the way out! I'm ready for whatever I need to do - I'll need the support of this group and maybe even some advice to make sure he is playing nice - but I will NOT be treated disrespectfully - to me that is the worse feeling in the world! I'd rather be alone.


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## toolittletoolate7 (Nov 14, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I can't control what you do. I don't want to control what you do. The only thing that I can control in our marriage is what I will accept from you. And I will no longer accept XYZ.
> 
> So the choice is yours. You can continue with what you're doing, knowing that it's not acceptable to me; or you can show me that you respect me and value our marriage by not continuing.
> 
> If you choose the former, then the next choice is mine. And that choice will be to move on with my life without you.


Badmemory - I love this - I'm going to use it when we talk again. Thank you!


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