# What to do!



## Alexsky

I have this posted in the seperation section, but I figured I would post it here as well.

My wife and I will be married 5 years this June and we have 3 beautiful girls. I had thought it was a great marriage, with the only hiccup was the sex part. 
Well, last year my wife told me that she didn't love me as a husband anymore, and only as a friend. She said she would give the relationship 1 more year, to see if we could fix it. The year will be up June 30. It still has not been fixed. 

the problems that she has had with the marriage was that I was selfish... i was selfish in regards to not hearing about her needs.. just mine. When she wanted to cuddle, i tried for sex. When we were watching a movie, I would try to get a hand job... that kind of thing. I was also selfish with my time. I didn't spend as much time with her as I should have. Also my wife had some things done to her in the past...which my not listening to her feeling/wishes brought up. Something happened to her a as a kid, and something happened to her as a teenager. 

Sex has always been a struggle in our relationship. It was not something that happened with any frequency. For our entire relationship, it had been a struggle. She used to always say that it would get better. She used to say that she never had these problems with anyone else, but nobody else wanted to have sex with her so much. She was used to dating older men, and they didnt try it as much with her. And of course, I always tried, as I had associated love and sex. For me to show her I loved her, I had to have sex with her... that was how I thought. And we had many talks about how much I wanted sex. And when I didn't get sex, I would pull away, and get angry. I couldn't see what was happening.

i just recently came to the realization that I was a biological sex addict, which actually explains alot of my actions, and how I reacted to things. I knew I had a high sex drive, but I didn't realize just what was wrong with me. I saw a specialist last week, and let's just say it has been an eye opener. The problem is, it took me so long too realize what was going on.... and now my wife loves me as a friend and not as a husband. For years, I didn't see the signs she was giving me. She asked me to do certain things, like just cuddling... and I always tried for sex, or some type of sexual action. I could not see what I was doing wrong. I do know now though. But with her going through that for so long, the love for me as a husband has disapeared. She wishes that she could just wake up one day to love me again, but there still is too much pain, and anger. I am currently taking therapy, and am now going to group sessions, to over come my addiction. Now I just have to hope and pray that she can forgive me, and that she will give me another chance.

also, she also felt as if i treated her as a sex object rather than a person, which is why she didn't want to have sex.....

She is the one that says that the only chance that we have is if we have a trial seperation. Like I mentioned before...(I think), that is now in less than 3 months.... at the end of june. She says she needs space to figure things out. I am doing whatever I can to not make it get that far. She is now going to go to her mom's for a week while I take a week of holidays to watch the kids. I had suggested she do that, seeing as she needed time. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to give someone space... or does anyone else have any ideas? I love my wife with all my heart and soul, and I love my family, and I cannot imagine waking up in the morning and not seeing my kids or wife. any ideas?

Each day is a struggle with anxiety attacks coming more often. Work is a struggle, as I can't focus. I just want to be at my house with my family.... as it may not be there much longer. LIke I mentioned she is seeing a counseler, and I am seeing one as well, and I am going to group therapy. 

Please help!


----------



## OneMarriedGuy

Sorry to hear, I know it sucks. You sound a lot like where I was a while ago (not that there still aren't big issues -). Does she know your feelings here? Do you really think it is ALL about sex? I rather doubt she does...

Women tend to be much better at being barometers for relationships. I guess my biggest suggestion would be two fold.

1> In addition to the individual counseling perhaps some together. My wife and I are now doing much better because of this. We now can HEAR each other and understand needs and that we can actually both have really good input on a subject and yet not quite agree totally.

2>This is something I am working on every day. Some days better that others. I want to be an actor rather than a reactor. By this I mean I want to act lovingly toward my wife even though she may do something that hurts me (doesn't desire me - whatever). And to understand that just because I may thing she hurt me on purpose and that all the details I think I see point that way - it isn't necessarily true that she intended to do so.

Oh - adding this. You may wish to see a doc about possibly getting something to help ease the anxiety a bit. I thought it helped a lot.

Best Wishes to you, your wife and kids.


----------



## Alexsky

The biggest thing that is holding her back right now is the pain that I caused her by not paying attention... looking after my needs and not hers. She has not forgiven me, and she does not know if she can forgive me. She says that she needs time to think, and to start to love herself again. Having your feelings being ignored for many years has a toll. 
we are both seeing therapists, and we are starting to see a marriage counseler. But some of the steps to grow togethor again she says she is not ready for.
Thank you onemarriedguy for you comments. It gives me hope! I just have to pray that my wife can forgive me. Last night we had a long talk, and she says that she cannot picture her life without us as a family, but she does not know if she can forgive me. And she is dead set on the June 30 trial seperation. She said that if it wasn't for that date, she would have left already. 
I have come to terms with my sex addiction for just over 1 week. I have seen so much. I wish I could take alot of things back. But I can't. I just have to hope that we can work things out, and that she can forgive me.
Any ideas on how to get forgiveness?


----------



## married-infidel

your realisation that you are addicted and facing up to it and taking steps to right the wrong in itself a step towards reconciliation in your marriage (altho both you and your wife may not realise it to be so right now)...

if you are sincere about getting over your addiction and about wanting to give your wife what she missed receiving and you missed giving her, then i would like to assure you that your marriage will be back on track soon.

as a wife, i can say with a certain degree of certainty that your changed attitude will make your wife come around... you got to be consistent with your behaviour though... cos any lapse or any suggestion that the change in you was just to get her to stay would mess things up big time and then, perhaps, you may not be able to do anything to salvage your marriage.

keep up your good work  and i am pretty sure forgiveness and love will return to your marriage and you both will emerge stronger and more intimate as a couple.

ask me, how much i desire a change in my marriage and am living on hope that someone (even if its me) or something will change the way my marriage is going!!!!

a big god bless.


----------



## Alexsky

Thank you married-infidel for your comments.

I am sincere about wanting to make our marriage work and to have my wife love me again. She has said she just needs to forgive me, and right now, it will take a miracle to make that happen before June 30, which is her deadline, and the trial seperation will start. She has commented that she has noticed alot of little things that I am doing that she wishes I had done before. It is amazig how much porn can distort your reality. My wife told me about my problem a number of times, but it took me having to see a therapist, and then a sex addiction therapist to realize what I was doing. 

Now, my wife was diagnosed with sex annorexia, and i was diagnosed with biological sex addiction, and I think those 2 make for a nasty combo. She withheld love and sex from me, and I went more into my porn world. 

I love my wife with all my heart and soul. All I want to do now is to hold her, and not to have a trial seperation looming in the future. She has said that she can't imagine us not togethor, but she needs time to figure things out, and that with me in the same house, she cant get over the pain that I caUSED her. I pray every day that we can overcome this, and that way the kids will not be put through the pain as well.

I know it will take time for her to forgive. I know that. I just have to find a way for her to change her mind about needing the trial seperation. And I know I can't force that either... she will need to do that on her own.


----------



## romantica

You need not worry so much again, since you already know what the problems are. You wife has already seen some sincerity and seriousness on your part. You know it's only easy to destroy but not very easy to repair, which is what you are doing now. So, don't worry, give her some more time and you should continue in your positive efforts towards repairing your relationship. She would change her mind, she only wants to be sure of your sincerity. So, don't worry, feel happy.

Good luck!:smthumbup:


----------



## gmailgirl

Best wishes to you! You are heading in the right direction. When people want to have too much sex, it's because they want to release stress. There are other ways to release stress too like meditation, regular exercising, yoga and creative activities. I do that too; people with high sex drive have to balance out more towards managing their sexual appetite. It will help you to focus more in your job too. 

You wife sounds like a caring woman; take a break go somewhere for a holiday (without kids) to patch up. Cuddle her, flatter her, listen to her and it should work 

Good luck!


----------



## Alexsky

Thanks gmail girl. I would love to take her on a trip just her and I. I would love just to cuddle. The problem is, she does not want to do any of that. She says that she is tired of fighting for us, as she did it for so long alone. She says that our marriage is over right now, and that the only thing that can save it, and even that is a small chance, is to do a trial seperation. She says that mr fighting the seperation is actually mAking things worse. As I kept telling that I was going to do whatever was in my power to not let that happen. The other night after we talked she hoped that that would work, but I got an email today saying that the trial seperation is the only thing that will work for her. She says right now she is not even interested in trying anymore.... She just wants to do the trial seperation. But she still hopes that things will miraculously change.... But she does not hold much hope out for that. I just wish I could do more. I wish I could somehow get her to fight a little bit more.... That is all we would need....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Ansley

I would not bring it up for awhile. Right now she is getting tons of attention and holding all the cards. You are in this too! She married you. This is boyfriend /girlfriend breaking up. you 2 have a home, kids, a life you have built together. Give her a break by not talking about it. Give yourself a break to.~~~Ansley


----------



## Alexsky

Okay
, so my next question is this. She says the wants to do a trial seperation at the end of June, that way we can sell the house and pay off debts. She decided last year that she wanted to start flipping houses as a source of income. Do I ask her if she wants me to move out sooner? If she says that she is happier when she is not at home when I am there, will it help staing in the house for another 3 months, or do I accept that it might be over soon? I don't know what I should say to her. I want to say that I don't want a trial seperation. But she says that is what she needs. Is that being selfish again? I don't want to lose my kids, and I don't want to lose my wife. I want to do whatever I can to fight for them, so that they never have to leave me. So that my kids don't ever have to ask where is daddy? 
She has been thinking about seperation for some time now. She has it planned that I would see my kids for about 10 days a month. For me, that is devastating. I just came to realize what was really important this last test, when I started focusing more time on my children, as my wife was pulling away from me. For me now to see my girls just 10 days a month.... Wow, that hurts. I jow I need to think about my kids, but 10 days a month? That means there will be over 20 days a month where I will not see them. Not hear then. My family has been my atength. When I start to get urges, I just think about my family and how I hurt them, and how I want to make it Bette for them. I wish I knew what to do. I thank you all for your advice, and will keep coming back for more advice. 
I just wish I knew of a way to make her want to fight a little longer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OneMarriedGuy

OK, forgiveness may take a while... If you are like me that sucks 'cause you want an instant fix. Unfortunately it will not happen that way. Reality is she is in charge right now - do you best to let her have that. I'm with you and don't really see how a trial separation could help but...I don't know everything either.

So, lets look at what you can do. You can work on you. Are you happy with the you you've been? What changes would you like to see. Realize all bad habits are HABITS and habits take time to correct. Take the time to see a counselor. Let them know the things you used to do and why you want to change them, where you'd like to be. Envision the you that you wish to become or return to. 

Now if your head clicks like mine you are going ... "Ya, but what about may marriage!>#$%#$% ???" While she is around try to just be the "you" that you want to be. Talk to her, but not about the subject you are dying to talk about (the staying and you guys together). Listen, listen...expect her to be a bit sarcastic about any CHANGE you are making - she won't believe it could possibly last anyway. Try not to be the "puppy dog that needs constant attention and is drooling all over her" ( I was SO that puppy dog LOL). I guess what I'm saying is work on you. you never know signing up with a counselor may even be a sign to her that you are serious about changing. BUT don't do it for that!!! Do for real - don't dangle it in her face, yet don't hide it. If you need to go and she asks where you are going, tell her "I have a counseling appt" but don't do it and think that it is a worm on a hook trying to catch a fish. 

Seriously - if you work on being the you that you want to be, it will be better for everyone you come in contact with. SO, kids ... and you. because you will be happier!


----------



## Ansley

I agree. Work on yourself. As you become more confident and independent she is going to see that.


----------



## Alexsky

Thanks for the advice. I am taking this time to improve myself, and improve how I am to my family. The hardest part is having to wait. She says she is not ready to forgive me yet, so I can't do what alot of things say to do to rekindle the marriage... to start from scratch. I have to wait to see if there is a small chance she will begin to forgive me. That is what is the hardest part.... waiting for something that may not come. I could easily wait if i knew it was coming. I could easily wait if there wan't a trial seperation coming...
but with time counting down... it is really heard to sit back and wait.
I know i have too... but it is hard.


----------



## Alexsky

So the next question is, how do I stay strong, knowing it can come to an end. I love my wife and family, and I know what I did with my porn/sex addiction was wrong. I am seeing 2 different councellers... one sex addiction, and one reg. I am also in a support group. But at home, it is always " I wish i could say I love you, but I can't. I need a trial seperation to figure things out!" She last commented on that I should be seeing the trial seperation as a good thing, not as a bad, because as of right now, the relationship is done. That is what she has said. And then the next day she says that she hopes that by some miracle, something happens before that day. Now she is back to saying that the only chance our marriage has, is for the trial seperation. 
How do i check to see if she has done the research, to see exactly what addictions I had, and to see why I didn't see what was right in front of me? I know I messed up, and I know I have to live with what I did. 
I pray every night that my wife will find some kind of strength to fight for our marriage again. I just need her to start. I will carry us through the challenges ahead... I just need her to start to want to. And right now she doesn't

I guess I kinda rambled there. So if anyone has any advice on how to stay strong, that would be great.


----------



## tuffGong

Alexsky, I have some thoughts on your situation that might be different than what others have posted here. Before I go into them, would you please do me a favor and clarify the following:

1. Sexual Anorexia could mean different things to different people. How would you describe her sexual anorexia? Is it that she finds sex repulsive or that she doesn't want to have sex in an intimate relationship?

2. At the peak of your sexual frequency how frequent were you guys having sex and how long into the relationship did that last?

3. How often have you guys had sex in the past year?

3. You mention that you have gotten angry in the past when she doesn't want to satisfy your sexual desires/needs. How is this anger manifested, is it shown in your physical facial expression or do you lash out at her verbally or physically? Otherwise put, be honest and explain if there are any verbal or physical abuse?

4. Do you still cuddle with her even though you want to have sex with her afterwards?

5. Would you explain the percentage of times you cuddle or watch movie with her and not ask for any sexual favors or sex vs the times you do those things and ask for sexual favors or sex?

6. In her words, what are the things for which she can not or has not yet forgiven you?


----------



## Alexsky

tuffgong
here are the answers you requested.

1) She was told by my sex addiction therapist that she was a sexual anorexic. She basically held back any love or affection from me. As I tried to have sex, she pulled back more and more.

2) At the peak it was a few times a week. It lasted the first year i think into our relationship.

3) The last time we had sex was about june of 09. The last time i got a BJ was in July.

3) When she refused to satisfy me, I would get angry. I never ever hit her or verbally abused her. I have never done that. All I would do is.... sulk. that would be the best word for it. I would just roll over to my side of the bed, and go to sleep.

4) I have not cuddled with my wife for a very very long time. I have wanted to, but she hasn't.

5) It used to be high. I would say about 80% of the time i would ask for sex. But i have not asked for it in the past year. that is due to me wanting to cuddle more, and her not wanting to. she does not sit beside me anymore to watch movies. In bed, we each have a blanket because she wraps herself up in hers. I have mentioned to her that it is a wall, and she says she just likes it like that... which she never used to.

6) Well, from what I can gather, she has not forgiven me for trying things in bed when she has said no. For example. She did not like me going down on her, but I would try once and a while. And there were other things I tried when I should not have. When she just wanted to cuddle, I should have cuddled. But I know what I did. I had merged porn and reality, and i thought my wife would enjoy it, as she had in the past. And I know that I will never act that way again, as I have eliminated porn out of my life. 
So, essentialy it is trust that she does not have in me. She does not trust me to not try those things with her. I was very selfish. Due to some things in her past, me trying to do things when she has said that she does not want me to try, i think that the actions brought up bad memories, and now I am asssociated with those memories. And I think that is what I ultimatly have to overcome if it possible. 
I hope that answers your questions, and i look forward to all the advice i can get.


----------



## tuffGong

Well Alexsky, I'm glad I asked you for more clarification. I've noticed that often times the partner who wants the relationship to continue is left to feel guilty when both or even the other party is to be blamed. The information you gave in your first post didn't clarify what you should be asking forgiveness for. Now I see so the advice I would have given doesn't apply. It would be irresponsible for me to give you such advice.

Now that you've clarified the situation I now fully understand your dilemma. You are in a very difficult situation. My personal opinion is that you two are incompatible. You both appeared to be sexually incompatible from the start. Now she is way checked out of the relationship due to past experiences with you. For this to work she will have to want it to work and undergo therapy. She will have to meet you part way. I say this although you seem willing to change your ways. The problem is that there is always a danger you are speaking of changes that will compromise you being you. It's good that you are willing to move towards her but she will need to come meet you part way. Based on what you've written so far I don't see a "sex addict" as yourself settling for sex once a year. Heck, she won't even allow you to please her in the way she wants. I specifically mean cuddling. So there really is little way you can even demonstrate change to her.

I generally don't like the idea of separation to figure things out. However, in this case, short of her arriving at some miraculous revelation on her part that might be your only chance. I wouldn't keep my hopes up though.

In one breadth I'm saying that even if she keeps you around after June 30th, you might not like the relationship after that. You may like it after 6 months or so or even a couple years. You get to live with your kids but eventually there is that danger you'll get frustrated with your relationship. She really will have to change along with you to make this work. You can't do it all by yourself.

I guess the best you can do is keep doing what you're doing now and hope it all comes off as sincere. Also hope she goes to and/or stay in counseling. Then just pray. Sorry, I wish I could provide more or better advice. 



Alexsky said:


> tuffgong
> here are the answers you requested.
> 
> 1) She was told by my sex addiction therapist that she was a sexual anorexic. She basically held back any love or affection from me. As I tried to have sex, she pulled back more and more.
> 
> 2) At the peak it was a few times a week. It lasted the first year i think into our relationship.
> 
> 3) The last time we had sex was about june of 09. The last time i got a BJ was in July.
> 
> 3) When she refused to satisfy me, I would get angry. I never ever hit her or verbally abused her. I have never done that. All I would do is.... sulk. that would be the best word for it. I would just roll over to my side of the bed, and go to sleep.
> 
> 4) I have not cuddled with my wife for a very very long time. I have wanted to, but she hasn't.
> 
> 5) It used to be high. I would say about 80% of the time i would ask for sex. But i have not asked for it in the past year. that is due to me wanting to cuddle more, and her not wanting to. she does not sit beside me anymore to watch movies. In bed, we each have a blanket because she wraps herself up in hers. I have mentioned to her that it is a wall, and she says she just likes it like that... which she never used to.
> 
> 6) Well, from what I can gather, she has not forgiven me for trying things in bed when she has said no. For example. She did not like me going down on her, but I would try once and a while. And there were other things I tried when I should not have. When she just wanted to cuddle, I should have cuddled. But I know what I did. I had merged porn and reality, and i thought my wife would enjoy it, as she had in the past. And I know that I will never act that way again, as I have eliminated porn out of my life.
> So, essentialy it is trust that she does not have in me. She does not trust me to not try those things with her. I was very selfish. Due to some things in her past, me trying to do things when she has said that she does not want me to try, i think that the actions brought up bad memories, and now I am asssociated with those memories. And I think that is what I ultimatly have to overcome if it possible.
> I hope that answers your questions, and i look forward to all the advice i can get.


----------



## Alexsky

Yeah, I know she has to meet me half way. I know she needs to start wanting it to work again. I know I can't do it all by myself. All I can do is try to be as positive as I can. Pray every morn and every night. And pray again for forgiveness. I know that is all i can do.
It is just hard. 
BUt she is worth doing this for. She is worth me fighing with all of my strength. 
I was kinda hoping for more of a postive input... but I guess I need to know what reality is too right?


----------



## created4success

romantica said:


> You need not worry so much again, since you already know what the problems are. You wife has already seen some sincerity and seriousness on your part. You know it's only easy to destroy but not very easy to repair, which is what you are doing now. So, don't worry, give her some more time and you should continue in your positive efforts towards repairing your relationship. She would change her mind, she only wants to be sure of your sincerity. So, don't worry, feel happy.
> 
> Good luck!:smthumbup:


I like your insights, romantica.

My encouragement to the original poster is to just give it some time and distance. Chances are, your wife likes what she sees, but may not be sure if it's for real yet.


----------



## Alexsky

I know it will take time.... it just sucks that I dont see any trying by her at this point. I know she said she was tired of trying.... which she told me right before I came to terms with my addiction. All the previous times I said i would change... i never once put 1/10 the effort as i am now. i just need her to start to try as well. The counseler that we see even said to her last meeting that it takes 2 and such. it is just hard to do this without her support. From being addicted to sex and porn... to celibacy... sucks. She shows no affection or anything...noth that i blame her. But I just wish I would see her trying a little harder. Her date of seperation on June 30 is getting coser and closer, and I just dont see an impovement yet.


----------

