# I can't find myself, I think I am going about this all wrong... please help...



## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

H had an A in October. The A started in October and ended when I found out on Halloween night.

I hope there is no bashing, but I completely understand if some is done... I was a fool but I am hoping that some of you can give me constructive criticism rather than pure criticism itself.

The night I found out, I got angry first. I slapped him, I cried, I yelled.
Then I just sat and weeped uncontrollably and tried to collect myself.
I begged him to stay and worked things out.
I realize that is the worst thing I could have done, and moments later I gave him the option. I said "All I want is for you to be happy, if she makes you happy then go be with her. I'll help you pack, I won't keep your daughter from you and this can go peacefully. If you love me at all, and want to try to work this out then stay". He sat down on the couch without a word, and hung his head. Moments later he said he wanted to try to work this out.

Things were going seemingly good, up until the past week or so.

I know I probably shouldn't do this, but I constantly find myself reading "affair help" articles.

Since the affair, I have tried to become everything he desires.
I've started working out to make myself look better for him, I've been dressing differently, etc.
We were having no arguments.

I read an article about this, and it says that I am competing with the OW. This is how I am feeling.
I feel like I am altering myself just to keep him happy...
I ask him what he wants/needs from me to make this work, and I tell him what I want/need from him.
When I ask him, he says that things are great and he is happy, so now he needs nothing.

I know for a fact he hasn't seen her, and the OW has since had her boyfriend move in with her, the are TTC and she is wanting to get married.

I just don't know what to do... she is suddenly coming back to my thoughts. When we make love, I get disgusted because I think about her... when he kisses me, etc.

I feel myself falling into a depression again, and I honestly don't know what to do.
I don't know how to go about this, I don't know if I am doing this right even though I'm half sure I'm not.

We are waiting on a call to get into marriage counseling, so that is my next move.

I know this is jumbled, as are my thoughts.

I guess all I am asking is how do I go about making this work?
How do I forget about her since she has forgotten him so easily, and has left us alone?
He loathes her now, and if she is brought up then he talks badly about her which sort of confuses me...

I feel so lost...


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

boy I can totally understand how you feel, we make the mistake of comparing ourselves and why but we do.
I have been doing it as well, she is 10 years younger, long blonde hair, more of a party girl, I'm attractive but have been having a few medical issues so not feeling as attractive as I used to. People that we know have said that they cannot believe my husband would give up me for her, they are probably just trying to be nice. 
But internally I feel she is more attractive and sex.
See what an affair does to you, if you want it to work you have to let that go and understand that he picked you over her for a reason even though you don't see it.
Make new memories for you when it comes to going out, being in bed so you don't think of her, you think of you guys re-connecting in a better way. 
Don't let her interfere with your marriage any longer don't give her the power......good luck


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## breakable (Nov 13, 2009)

Jessi, thank you for your response. 
The OW is 17, and I am almost 21. Not a huge age gap, right? But I feel so much older.
Worn and run down.
I let myself go for a while, but being a full time mom is a hard job.

At times, I wonder if he chose me just because it was easier to do.
Yes, OW had no strings attached - other than a boyfriend that she refused to leave - but how much harder would his life have been without me? Child support, possibly alimony, and not seeing his daughter.

These are ugly, terrible thoughts that I long to get rid of but I think we all question the motives when they stay.

I am trying to be strong again, and looking for a new found confidence, but I just seem to get more and more lost.

I'm not sure if I should bring this up to H or not, he says hes happy and I'd hate to ruin it again.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

The OW is really nothing about you. Her best feature to your man is always the same thing - she was available to him. When it comes to a piece on the side, men really have no standards.

If she's more beautiful than you - it's tears that she was more beautiful than you. If she's the same as you - it's tears that she's the same as you. If she's ugly - it's tears that it all makes no sense when you're better looking than her.

It doesn't matter what she looks like, or does, it's tears no matter what. (and crying is 100% normal, don't misunderstand me) She was just the woman that was available to him.

The trouble that I see here is that you appear to be rewarding your husband for his affair. He's back, and you're on your best behavior for him. That usually works the other way around.

Don't misunderstand me, I think you being in good shape, staying nice etc are all good things, but I think you're doing the right thing out of fear of losing him, rather than from feeling good about yourself and confident.

Marriage counseling seems a good idea.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

As hard as it is, you need to stop thinking about her. Your H chose you. Your focus now is on your marriage. I know it's easier said than done at times but that's what you need to do. 

It's okay if you're working out to be more confident in yourself and help to build your self esteem, I think that's only natural. But don't get so consumed that you fall into depression. Meaning if you decide you need to say lose 10 lbs and you have one of those eat a pack of oreo nights or whatever - don't fall into the "I'm fat, I'm ugly - he's going to leave me for her......" wallowing episodes, you know what I mean? Stay confident and focused on your marriage. Work on the faults in your marriage and fix those. 

Counseling is a fantastic idea and I think it will help you. Best of luck to you.


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## stupidme (Nov 15, 2009)

Atholk is right, she was AVAILABLE to him. Most of the time, it was not how she looks but how she treated him and how easily she was made available to him.

The OW chased after my H, she knew how to talk to men to get her ways, she had years of experience dealing with men. My H was in his mid-life crisis stage and was an ass to fall for her and believed himself to be so in love with her. She made him feel so wanted, catered to his elevated ego, his every whims and he was hooked. Even after breaking up with her, her spell over him was so strong that he felt so guilty about hurting her, agonized over missing her.

I was told that she's almost 10 years younger than I am, smarter (business wise since I'm a SAHM), taller, skinnier and very attractive. He told me she was beautiful, and many men were after her.

Well, I finally saw her picture 1.5 month ago. Damn, she was ugly (beauty is in the eye of the holder I guess)....just kidding. She was not ugly, she was just average looking; now, my H admits she's not even pretty, that she's a bit weird looking....lol. I'm much older than she is and even I look younger than her, and much prettier than her. He was definitely trading down in the looks department....not to mention the morality department. Until seeing her picture, I was always down on myself; even the counselor said the main issue was to work on my self-confidence & self-esteem level.

The main thing is work on yourself to make yourself happy, not out of fear of losing him. If you carry yourself well and happy with yourself, then it carries over to your relationship. 

As for her forgetting your H easily, come on, the OW is only 17, she has much growing up to do; perhaps your H bad talking of her because of his hurt ego that she has moved on so quickly.

As for making things work, counseling is a good idea as well. It's hard to move on and heal after a betrayal. It's been a few months since I found out and I still have good days and bad days. As other experienced forum members here say, as time goes by, there will be more good days and bad days will come far in between.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

OR: You could keep working on making yourself FABULOUS so that if things don't work out - and say, Mr. FABULOUS (like in my much-older-perspective-than-you case, George Clooney) were to fall in love with you, then its your H's loss.

Sounds like I kid, but I don't. Feel empowered to make yourself feel and look as amazing as you can. It will help empower YOU to feel stronger. Be consistent with who YOU are, but go for it.
I feel the same thing - again a MUCH older body - with multiple pregnancy impacts to deal with. My healing caused me to loose a ton of weight. I hated people's comments about it - because they were all like "wow, what was your diet plan?" Oh - shock and trauma? But once the weight was down I worked on building my strength and honestly consider it Mother Nature's "I'm sorry flowers" to me. 
You know what they say - the better you feel about your self, the more that shows to others (and NOT just your H).
Be fabulous.


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