# I feel like it's gone too far :(



## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

My husband left 2 months ago - moved across the state about 5 hours away. We have only been married 2.5 years which in the beginning was rough (we went into business together, fighting, bad communications etc). He ended up "losing" himself, suffered from depression and possible PTSD (ex military). He moved to his hometown to put himself back together, but until he figures out his own head, he doesn't know what the future will hold for us anymore. 

We both agreed to act as married, but he told me to pursue my dreams. I am moving to NV in 8 days for a great career opportunity - he has said me moving will not be a deciding factor on what happens with "us."

To me it feels like it has gone too far and I asked him "why can't you just let me go?" He says because he loves me, but he can't work on "us" until he is OK. Do people recover from situation like this? My parents have told me it's over and think the sooner I can move on the better.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you should listen to your parents Emma


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but it seems that he is just stringing you along until he either gets what he wants elsewhere or decides it was a big mistake and 'settles' for you (as harsh as that sounds).

He's emotionally cake eating, and it's not fair to you what so ever. If he isn't 'sure' about himself and wants to 'put himself back together' then he is clearly looking INWARDS and not outwards. Meaning, you should really consider doing the same thing.

Have you heard about the 180?? Going 'dark' or NC (no contact). Completely separate yourself from the situation (your marriage) and focus on YOU. 

It says in your profile that you are a bodybuilder (which is awesome btw) so that means you clearly have a good sense of dedication, which you have applied mentally to trying to save your marriage... use that energy / dedication on yourself and yourself only.

Even if he says in a few weeks he 'wants to work on things' do not be so quick to rush back into it (that was my biggest mistake).

He has detached from you, you need to try and do the same thing. As hard as it will be.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> I'm sorry you are going through all of this, but it seems that he is just stringing you along until he either gets what he wants elsewhere or decides it was a big mistake and 'settles' for you (as harsh as that sounds).
> 
> He's emotionally cake eating, and it's not fair to you what so ever. If he isn't 'sure' about himself and wants to 'put himself back together' then he is clearly looking INWARDS and not outwards. Meaning, you should really consider doing the same thing.
> 
> ...


I have - I refuse to have contact with him unless we need to handle something logistically (ie. me moving, bills) ... even then it's mostly over email. He wanted to help me move to NV but I refused - I already said goodbye to him once and unless he wants to be married, there is nothing to talk about imo.

Yes, he has detached from me and our marriage which he admits. He says until he digs though his internal minutia, he can't work on ours.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> I have - I refuse to have contact with him unless we need to handle something logistically (ie. me moving, bills) ... even then it's mostly over email. He wanted to help me move to NV but I refused - I already said goodbye to him once and unless he wants to be married, there is nothing to talk about imo.


Good for you, then you are leaps and bounds beyond many of us who first came here. lol. :smthumbup:


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I agree, you are doing great already. Whether or not he let's you go emotionally is his problem, not yours anymore. And definitely listen to Up and others who gave their walkaway spouse a second shot soon after they left...many did them later say it set back their emotional healing progress and didn't end up back together anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

MyselfAgain said:


> I agree, you are doing great already. Whether or not he let's you go emotionally is his problem, not yours anymore. And definitely listen to Up and others who gave their walkaway spouse a second shot soon after they left...many did them later say it set back their emotional healing progress and didn't end up back together anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Well I certainly don't want to discredit what others have gone through. Only 2.5 years of marriage, no kids and we are both fairly young (28 & 30). I know my situation is less severe than most.

That being said it's still very painful - feeling abandoned, living in uncertainty, and watching someone you love fall apart. I love him so much but I don't want to live in false hope for what other people see as apparent.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Emma, I am going throufh something similar -- I am 33, he is 34, thought we'd grow old together but he has unresolved childhood emotional issues that have kept him from growing up. I love and miss him, but was soooo stressed all the time when living together. Divorce is sometimes the less of two evils. Most folks here who post regularly are also trying to get through while feeling torn. A number of us have exes with personality disorders, some cheaters and liars, some just grew apart. The more you read and post, the more you will learn how to go through the healing process. Even though you are young and haven't been married long, doesn't mean that you should just "get over it." You had shared dreams and plans. Ignoring your mixed feelings will hold you back in your next relationship...and if you're like me, you want real love and a family...so feel what you feel, pick up some books, and keep checking in with us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

Thank you for all the replies. When one is in limbo though how do you heal? Seems like this would be much easier if papers were filed which neither of us have wanted to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Thank you for all the replies. When one our in limbo though how do you heal? Seems like this would be much easier if papers were filed which neither of us have wanted to do.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you want out of limbo, then you stop worrying about what's best for him or what he will think / do and act on what's best for yourself.

What happens if he never wants to file and just keeps putting it up to 'who knows what the future holds'? You may have to be the one to file, you could file whenever YOU want to.

I'm 28, stbxw 27. Physically separated almost 3 months, plus a month of in house separation. SHE was the one who left and doesn't want to be with me anymore (we 'just aren't good for each other') but yet it's ME who has been going to seminars, courses etc and getting everything going.

I was the one who brought her to the bank to get her off my account, I was the one who insisted in the house keys back, I was the one who told her we needed to get together and talk about child custody arrangements. I was the one who spent endless hours researching what's best for the KIDS. I spent an entire evening drawing up a years worth of schedules for rotating, figuring out holidays, birthdays, special events.

What has she done? She came to the meeting with her purse, that was it. Said she didn't agree with what I had proposed (as I sat there with my government books, child custody booklets and everything else). Told me she had a lot to think about and would get back to me.

Guess what, that was almost 2 weeks ago. I just asked her 20 minutes ago when she picked the kids up when exactly she wanted to continue our discussion (aka, her show me her proposal for the kids) and she replied "uh, I donno, sometime this week or next". Then she asked me where our daughters (5) very first pair of dance shoes were and her diploma from last year because she wants to get them framed.

See what happens if you don't take control? I'm worrying about the DAMN KIDS and she wants to frame our daughters .. shoes?

If you want to get out of limbo, you need to take the reigns. Cry when you need to cry, get angry when you need to be angry. But do what's best for you.

Man, if only I could take my own advice sometimes!


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

I guess I feel that is the only step left though, and one I am not willing to do (yet). I don't talk to him, we have separated financially, and I am now moving 3 states away to Las Vegas. There is only one way to take the reigns and that is to file - but I am allowing myself to be held by hope. He tells me he loves me anytime we do communicate and he wants this to work, but he needs to figure out his head. IDK man, this is all so confusing. Plus I can only imagine what being overseas and in Iraq can do to someone, that is an experience I can't relate to. Now that I am moving though, even thought it was my call (I have a good job here in Seattle), it feels more hopeless than ever because I am in many ways, starting a new life ... if there was anything to salvage is it even possible now?


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Up, I am going to 2x4 you later!!!

It is ok to swift on filing if just to deal with the move and starting your new life for now. Not ok to hold off just to see if he comes back.

You can take the reigns in your own life, by moving and focusing on yourself. You can not take the reigns of tour marriage, it no longer exists. It can take time for that to sink in...for me, it took a solid month of no contact for me to feel like I was in control of my life and my choices again.

In many equator, what you have to do now is listen to your head, not your heart. Keep following your head until your heart is healed, and know that its ok for it to be broken for a while.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I know it`s very hard and painful Emma but are you planning on living a life with no emotional/romantic/sexual connection to a man while your husband takes months/years to "figure himself out"?

Why do that to yourself?

Quite honestly if I was having the problems your husband was having and just couldn`t be with my wife I`d divorce her so she wouldn`t spend god only knows how long waiting for something that might never come her way in the end.

I love her too much to do that to her.
She deserves better than that.


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

tacoma said:


> I know it`s very hard and painful Emma but are you planning on living a life with no emotional/romantic/sexual connection to a man while your husband takes months/years to "figure himself out"?
> 
> Why do that to yourself?
> 
> ...


Well we kind of set a deadline of August, but me moving to Vegas and taking a new job just got thrown into the mix. 

I mean for a man that served our country and is going through as much as he is, telling me he is in love with me, it just feels too soon to "give up" even though it causes me grief. Am I just being really naive here?


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> Well we kind of set a deadline of August, but me moving to Vegas and taking a new job just got thrown into the mix.
> 
> I mean for a man that served our country and is going through as much as he is, telling me he is in love with me, it just feels too soon to "give up" even though it causes me grief. Am I just being really naive here?


Well I cannot speak on behalf of your husband nor would I ever insult him in regards to the service he paid to your country but there is only so much you personally can do for him or any other person. You cannot change there mind, it's up to them.

You also didn't do this to him so you would try to stop feeling accountable for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Myself.. 2x4 me?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Emma1981 said:


> Well we kind of set a deadline of August, but me moving to Vegas and taking a new job just got thrown into the mix.
> 
> I mean for a man that served our country and is going through as much as he is, telling me he is in love with me, it just feels too soon to "give up" even though it causes me grief. Am I just being really naive here?


You`re not naive Emma.

You`re in love.

Don`t give up then but please set some type of deadline so you can get on with your life.

You could potentially be waiting in limbo for years .


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

My husband told me he was calling me today - he told me to make a list of things that needed to be discussed before my move and I did. I asked him what he needed to discuss and he said he just wanted to talk to me and see if I could wait to leave until the 20th so he could see me (I was planning on leaving on the 18th and he knows this). I told him I already had plans to leave that day due to needing to sign my lease, cable company company etc. He told me to just "think about it." I feel the same as before ... I already said goodbye once, thus even though we haven't seen each other in 2 months what's the point.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Emma1981 said:


> My husband told me he was calling me today - he told me to make a list of things that needed to be discussed before my move and I did. I asked him what he needed to discuss and he said he just wanted to talk to me and see if I could wait to leave until the 20th so he could see me (I was planning on leaving on the 18th and he knows this). I told him I already had plans to leave that day due to needing to sign my lease, cable company company etc. He told me to just "think about it." I feel the same as before ... I already said goodbye once, thus even though we haven't seen each other in 2 months what's the point.


Was he ever controlling?


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## Emma1981 (Apr 29, 2010)

UpnDown said:


> Was he ever controlling?


No control issues.


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## sadsoul101 (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey Emma,

First, congrats on the new job offer  That is no small feat, especially in this economy!

You are right to be prudent about filing and thinking long and hard before doing so. It will also be complicated with both of you in different states, normally you have to both be a resident of a state for a period of time before filing.

My STBXH and I filed in March via a final stipulation form(didn't use lawyers, just filed all paperwork ourselves). We have talked about reconciling, but honestly, after filing, it only pushes you closer to divorce.

Consider doing some phone counseling or IC, perhaps. You need clarity before filing. Is your husband in IC? I understand that PTSD is very serious, and I hope he has seen a doctor and or counselor.


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