# Very little sex, high sex drive, loving marriage.



## Janig (Apr 24, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 6 years, we’re both 33 years old, no kids. I have a really high sex drive, and wife used to have a very high sex drive. Problem now is that her sex drive seems to have pretty much disappeared, we basically do it once a month and that’s only if I initiate it every time.

It’s driving me insane, not only am I sexually frustrated but I’m increasingly feeling less sexually attractive to her as a result. When I read advice on google it basically says ‘talk to your SO’ but when I do, she says talking about it puts pressure on her and makes her want to do it even less, no matter how delicately I try to approach. The thing is I do see her as my soulmate, we are great together in terms of our daily lives, we are like best friends and we have a great laugh every day. But the sex thing is an increasingly painful thorn in my side.

I would describe myself as an attractive person, I keep myself in good shape and I am ambitious and not lazy whatsoever, I do lots of housework and I am very thoughtful and considerate. I have a decent job. She always says how lucky she is. I just don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t want to cheat, I certainly don’t want to end the marriage, and to address the elephant in the room, masturbation just doesn’t cut it. Any bright ideas would be much appreciated.

edit: she has also been working out a lot, she’s in better shape than she’s ever been, she always says how great she feels. So it’s not low self esteem or anything. This also adds to my frustration because she looks fantastic.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

You need to immediately buy and listen to and/or read “The Dead Bedroom Fix” by DSO @dadstartingover he is one of the site sponsors right now.

I had figured a bunch of this out myself via trial and error but you can skip right to some answers with his book. It will also point you towards other resources depending on what your issues are and the book will help you identify them.

Writing about your google search and the chores you do around the house I can tell that you still haven’t started a process that will move things forward.

In short, your wife is right. You need to pull back from her and stop pursuing her sexually especially by repeatedly having “the talk”. You already know what you have been doing isn’t working so you need to do something different.

Another key resource that will help is “The Married Man’s Sex Life Primer” by Athol Kay.

I can’t tell 100% from your post but it seems like you may be a “nice guy”. Both of the resources I listed here will point you at another book you can read that will help you identify and correct that behavior.

Take a crack at those if they don’t help you or give you ideas about what to try next I’d be shocked.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Take action, or you will be here at 43 complaining about no sex. She's breaching her marriage vows by not being available to you. Once a month is a sexless marriage.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Janig said:


> edit: she has also been working out a lot, she’s in better shape than she’s ever been, she always says how great she feels.


When I see this stuff in a sexless marriage thread, it always rings a very loud bell in my head.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

The bad news is she probably has lost romantic interest in you. Who knows, maybe she's banging somebody else. The other bad news is there's nearly 100% chance it won't come back. The good news is there are plenty of others who would have a "romantic" interest in you. Don't kid yourself about her working hard. My Rosie the Riveter great aunt and her old man had 6 kids before the end of WWII. Like the song sez, "If it don't come easy, you better let it go."


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## Offkilter123 (Dec 2, 2020)

You need to stop whining and go into full on detective mode. GPS, VAR, the works. Working out increases your sex drive, not decreases it. You need eyes on her at the gym. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Janig (Apr 24, 2021)

Sincere thanks everyone for your feedback.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Janig said:


> edit: *she has also been working out a lot, she’s in better shape than she’s ever been, she always says how great she feels*. So it’s not low self esteem or anything. This also adds to my frustration because she looks fantastic.


I hate to bring this up, but there are lot of threads in the infidelity section where the wife starts working out at the gym and some young stud gym rat starts working her out. Once a month you initiating from someone who was once HD is ame as nothing and sure is a red flag for me that someone else is plowing your field. Your wife at her age didn't just suddenly become uninterested in sex, maybe just sex with you. Sorry.

What would happen if you told her you were going to start working out with her at the gym? Would she get a deer in headlight look and start stammering? There is no way my wife would ever join a gym without me being right there beside her. If she doesn't panic, go ahead and start working out with her at the gym, and stop doing the household chores btw.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> I hate to bring this up, but there are lot of threads in the infidelity section where the wife starts working out at the gym and some young stud gym rat starts working her out. Once a month you initiating from someone who was once HD is ame as nothing and sure is a red flag for me that *someone else is plowing your field*. Your wife at her age didn't just suddenly become uninterested in sex, maybe just sex with you. Sorry.


what a lovely image...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd worry not only about the lack of desire for you, but also the way she reacts when you talk to her about it. 

You don't have a _partnership_, nor a good marriage.

I suspect you have many unhappy decades ahead. 

How do you envision anything changing?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> I'd worry not only about the lack of desire for you, but also the way she reacts when you talk to her about it.
> 
> You don't have a _partnership_, nor a good marriage.


It's definitely not a _loving marriage_.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think you need to let her know just how serious this is for you and that it's deeply affecting the way you see her and the marriage. Maybe if she starts to think she may even loose you she may realise that something must change.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> I do think you need to let her know just how serious this is for you and that it's deeply affecting the way you see her and the marriage. Maybe if she starts to think she may even loose you she may realise that something must change.


My thoughts exactly.

What would happen if you told her, pleasantly yet matter-of-fact, that the ongoing lack of sex is starting to make her less attractive to you. Then you mention that when the sexual attraction goes away, the relationship desire tends to go next. Unlike some women, men generally don't think "well I don't want to have sex with him, but I still love him and can't see myself married to anyone else."

You guys don't have kids and she has time for the gym, so she has time to work on this with you. You'll need to strongly suggest she do that - but only once, don't keep nagging.

You'll get some variation on the following three responses, and based on which one you get you'll know what to do.

Good response: She takes you seriously and works on meeting your needs / overcoming her inhibitions.

Bad responses: (1) she doesn't care that the lack of sex can hurt your marriage. (2) She gets resentful and makes this your fault, as in how dare you esteem her differently because you don't get laid much.

Also, don't have any kids with her until this is straightened out. You can expect sex after kids to remain the same, at best.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

To elaborate, she obviously is not "looking good" to attract you. You are getting it once a month ( same as zero ) and she knows full well you need/want more. She also needs more, but has transferred her desire to a gym rat, How often does she "work out"? How long? I would bet my last dollar that is how often she is getting taken for a ride. And unfortunately, once a woman gets skilled attention from someone bigger, badder, better, gets off a few times with mr Muscles, she will not be coming back to hubby. Once a person has driven a Lamborgini, they will never again want to drive a ford pickup. These gym rats are all hopped up on testosterone injections, and they have a continuous string of middle-aged females looking for fun away from hubby. The gym rats have a smorgasbord of opportunity where they "work".

I know you don't want to even consider this, but you are actually already divorced although there is no paperwork. And no doubt you will spend a long time trying to convince yourself that really everything is ok. Most men refuse to accept that their wife of x years has dumped them. You could play detective etc, and lots advice here to say nothing, but my tendency would be to just tell her straight up "I know you are f'n someone and it ain't me. So lets just cut the BS and split."

Your choice, your life.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

DTO said:


> My thoughts exactly.
> 
> What would happen if you told her, pleasantly yet matter-of-fact, that the ongoing lack of sex is starting to make her less attractive to you. Then you mention that when the sexual attraction goes away, the relationship desire tends to go next. Unlike some women, men generally don't think "well I don't want to have sex with him, but I still love him and can't see myself married to anyone else."
> 
> ...


She already knows how serious this is! She does not care!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Why are you only initiating once a month? She's probably starting to think you aren't attracted to her. Frankly, how can you possibly wait a month?

Some women (like my wife) don't outright initiate sex. She goes about her business taking care of kids, housekeeping, yard work, etc.- almost like sex doesn't even enter her mind. She's subtle in her needs. She'll make eye contact and smile, or say "I miss you", or linger in a hug. She acts like sex doesn't exist- except maybe to smile when I'm gawking at her or to say "ok, I'm all yours" when I start talking about how badly I want her. She's completely in the driver's seat- and knows it. She doesn't really have to initiate. If she's nearby and kids are away- she's knows I'll be after her and that hasn't changed in the two and a half decades we've been married.

I mean, is your wife responding favorably when you touch her? Does she melt into your hugs? Does she like it when you hold her hand or when you put your arms around her? Does she sigh after a kiss? Does she smile at you for no reason? If not, these would be reasons for concern. Her never initiating is not a cause for concern all by itself. 

If you're being met by coldness, eye-rolling, stonewalling, or whatever you want to call it- then you can start to assume the worst as the posts above seem to have covered.

Something I learned in marriage is that if I want more sex all I have to do is kindly initiate and plan better. I bring home a bottle of wine or rent a movie for kids (while my wife and I are supposedly going to watch a movie also in our bedroom), hire a babysitter, take my wife somewhere pretty or fun, etc. It's all about setting the mood for relaxation (and getting kids occupied/away/or busy) so that my wife can unwind.

Yeah, sitting your wife down to tell her how sexually frustrated you are- NEVER a smart move. My wife has a pretty hot temper and I'm sure her (angry) response would be "You work too much! Why don't you ever plan any time with me so that we can get away and relax and have fun?".

Back to the once a month. I'm imagining you must be in to porn/masturbation to allow your marital activities to decline to monthly. My warning to you is that stuff literally wrecks men and marriage. Better use of your time is to aggressively figure out what is going on in your wife's head.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DTO said:


> Also, don't have any kids with her until this is straightened out. You can expect sex after kids to remain the same, at best.


@dadstartingover worded this too softly. 

The arrival of babies often bring hot, passionate sex lives to their knees and sometimes even to an abrupt end. 

And once kids are on scene, that raises the stakes of ending the relationship a millionfold and will bring in issues such a custody and child support etc etc into the picture.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Janig said:


> edit: she has also been working out a lot, she’s in better shape than she’s ever been, she always says how great she feels. So it’s not low self esteem or anything. This also adds to my frustration because she looks fantastic.


You would be wise to look into whether it is her personal trainer or some other gym hunk is the one benefiting from her fitness and vitality.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Janig said:


> wife used to have a very high sex drive. Problem now is that her sex drive seems to have pretty much disappeared, we basically do it once a month and that’s only if I initiate it every time.


When you say once a month, is it literally on about a 28 day cycle?

If so, that is what is called ovulation sex and what it typically is is her body telling her that she should be sexually receptive but she does not have an actual genuine sexual attraction and desire for you. That doesn't mean that you aren't a good looking guy or a good man or good husband or skilled lover. 

It means that in her primitive brain she has relegated you to a provider and companion and not her best option in terms of strong, virile male. 

This is often due to becoming more domesticated and making 1,000 different concessions thus eroding her confidence in your masculinity. 

@dadstartingover material is good as is Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life material. They both do a good job of describing how a few years of marriage and home life can change a woman's opinion of man from being a hot, hunk into one of their girlfriends over time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to warn that you need to take this very seriously. Some people here will pooh-pooh this and say that it is unrealistic to think that the hot, honeymoon sex will last forever. They are somewhat correct in that the initial NRE sex will shift into more of a stable routine in time. But a fit, healthy 33 year old woman without kids should be wearing you out and having you asking for hydration breaks and some sleep now and then. 

If she isn't hounding you for it regularly, I would be concerned with who she is. 

Take this seriously. This isn't just you being a horndog and her not being as horny as you. This could be an indicator of a more dangerous dynamic starting to take place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Why are you only initiating once a month? She's probably starting to think you aren't attracted to her. Frankly, how can you possibly wait a month?


I interpreted his post as that she was only agreeing to sex once a month and that she was never initiating. 

I did not interpret it that he was only initiating once a month.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I also want to warn that you need to take this very seriously. Some people here will pooh-pooh this and say that it is unrealistic to think that the hot, honeymoon sex will last forever. They are somewhat correct in that the initial NRE sex will shift into more of a stable routine in time. But a fit, healthy 33 year old woman without kids should be wearing you out and having you asking for hydration breaks and some sleep now and then.
> 
> If she isn't hounding you for it regularly, I would be concerned with who she is.
> 
> Take this seriously. This isn't just you being a horndog and her not being as horny as you. This could be an indicator of a more dangerous dynamic starting to take place.


That ship has unfortunately sailed, OP iis left on the pier


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> Back to the once a month. I'm imagining you must be in to porn/masturbation to allow your marital activities to decline to monthly. My warning to you is that stuff literally wrecks men and marriage. Better use of your time is to aggressively figure out what is going on in your wife's head.


@CatholicDad and I have very different views and perspectives on the moral and religious implications of porn and masturbation. I do not think porn or spanking in and of themselves are bad or sinful. In fact I think porn can even be a positive force in a marriage if enjoyed together as a couple and it provides some extra energy and eroticism and even some ideas of new techniques and activities to try. 

HOWEVER, I do agree that sitting alone in the dark taking matters into your own hand while watching the sexy people have sex does two things - one is it is akin to the jr high physics nerds standing alone against the wall of the gym watching the jocks and cheerleaders dance. 

The other more problematic issue is that spanking to porn will take off the edge and make you at least temporarily satisfied and relaxed. It makes you ok with not having real sex with a real woman. 

Then as the tank starts to fill up and you still to feel a little edgy again, the porn is right there only a couple clicks away and you are right back to feeling relaxed and satisfied again, Rinse and repeat. 

The long term effect is that you are a slug sitting alone in the dark watching other people have sex. 

Men are not supposed to be relaxed and satisfied. You are supposed to be edgy. You are supposed to be hungry. You are supposed to be assertive and put in the work. You are supposed to strive. 

Mother Nature has created a system where courageous, assertive males with initiative and drive pass on their genes and the lazy, timid and shiftless ones don't. 

Porn creates lazy, timid and shiftless males that sit alone in the dark and deplete their own energies and drive. 

Stop the porn and spanking. Let your tank fill to danger pressure levels. That will push you into taking action. You will either show more initiative with your wife and she will respond. Or she will tell you to take it elsewhere ,,,,,,, and you will. 

Either way, you will be having real sex again.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I do think you need to let her know just how serious this is for you and that it's deeply affecting the way you see her and the marriage. Maybe if she starts to think she may even loose you she may realise that something must change.


Diana, have you ever been involved in a relationship where you lost interest in the guy? If so, did him letting you know it was serious bring your interest level back?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Diana, have you ever been involved in a relationship where you lost interest in the guy? If so, did him letting you know it was serious bring your interest level back?


I know that it has worked for some people. I don't think that some people such as the wife in this case fully understand what this lack of sex can do to the spouse or the marriage, some will act if they honestly think they will loose their spouse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look, you can't make your wife want sex when you want it. Some people's drive does lessen in time and for different reasons. You shouldn't be so fragile that you doubt your attractiveness simply because your wife isn't horny as much as you are. That's you just using sex for validation, which isn't healthy. 

That said, your dilemma is a common one. And there's no formula to fix it. It will either ebb and flow or it won't and you'll have to decide if you value your entire marriage and family more or if sex is your Number 1 priority and if so, don't get married again. Sex is always better when things are new and someone doesn't know everything about you. 

But seriously, your whole self-worth shouldn't ride on whether someone wants to have sex with you. So work that out or find some new hobbies and interests or work on some project that makes you feel good about yourself. 

Get some sort of communication going with your wife so that at least she gives you some sign when she is amenable to sex so you're not getting rejected over and over from trying all the time. I mean, once you've been married some years, you probably already know what those signs are. And don't just stop affection like cuddling on the couch just because she won't want to take it futher. Women like to think you like them for more than just sex and like attention and affection that's nonsexual as well. Don't make it to where everytime you touch her, she knows a sex attempt is coming. Let her relax about that for awhile in case she's resenting that (not saying you are, but I think that's what often happens). 

I mean, if I was playing it out, I'd take her on a date and then come home, beg off, and go to sleep instead of waiting hopefully to see if she might be amenable to sex, just to change things up a little. You never know, she might get curious enough if you backed off to come at you a little. It's just one of those things that the same behavior will render the same result, so try something different and see if it gets a better result. Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I wish your wife understood that you don't have to always feel like it to have sex. You can have sex because you love your spouse and care about them and your marriage.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

oldshirt said:


> I interpreted his post as that she was only agreeing to sex once a month and that she was never initiating.
> 
> I did not interpret it that he was only initiating once a month.


And her telling him that asking for more only inclines her to provide it less.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

As hubby you don’t ask for sex- you just set it up and make it happen. You stay classy, loving... but when it’s time you just start it with a little kiss. Or, just catch her undressing or in the shower. It’s so simple. If she always objects- that’s a different problem. That’s not what poster stated so far.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

OP, I implore you to check out VintageRetro's thread. It's fairly recent and will provide you with some insight. He also had a good wife and marriage until he was hit by the proverbial 2x4.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Benbutton said:


> OP, I implore you to check out VintageRetro's thread. It's fairly recent and will provide you with some insight. He also had a good wife and marriage until he was hit by the proverbial 2x4.


Absolutely excellent advice


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

I wrote this for you, my man: *The Dead Bedroom Fix.*


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

It's been side by wiser men than myself that you can't negotiate genuine desire. That's why choreplay never works. Also, you need to get rid of that soulmate myth belief. Life is not a Disney story. 

Another book to add to your reading is The Rational Male, books 1 and 2.


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## Yoni (Feb 7, 2021)

6 years together... that's long life time for being and she probably won't exited much before. 
Man's needs is Sex woman need is romantic. 
You said you don't want cheating. First of you shouldn't even cross think of cheating. Just because your sex needs high and ur partner is not.
You need find something helpful yourself. Cheating is not the one. Once you cheating you will lost marriage and her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Janig said:


> My wife and I have been married for 6 years, we’re both 33 years old, no kids. I have a really high sex drive, and wife used to have a very high sex drive. Problem now is that her sex drive seems to have pretty much disappeared, we basically do it once a month and that’s only if I initiate it every time.
> 
> It’s driving me insane, not only am I sexually frustrated but I’m increasingly feeling less sexually attractive to her as a result. When I read advice on google it basically says ‘talk to your SO’ but when I do, she says talking about it puts pressure on her and makes her want to do it even less, no matter how delicately I try to approach. The thing is I do see her as my soulmate, we are great together in terms of our daily lives, we are like best friends and we have a great laugh every day. But the sex thing is an increasingly painful thorn in my side.
> 
> ...


Is there another man?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

There was a guy that was in a sexless marriage for 18 years. It turned out his wife had an affair at that time. Once it was over she didn’t want to cheat on her affair partner so she stopped having sex with her husband.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sorry to tell you this but she is sleeping with someone else. Leave now


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Sorry to tell you this but she is sleeping with someone else. Leave now


Maybe, maybe not. It's a very real possibility, and he has a lot of homework to do.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Al_Bundy said:


> It's been side by wiser men than myself that you can't negotiate genuine desire. That's why choreplay never works. Also, you need to get rid of that soulmate myth belief. Life is not a Disney story.
> 
> Another book to add to your reading is The Rational Male, books 1 and 2.


I agree that you can't negotiate desire for sex or horniness. But you can act in a way that honors your marriage and your spouse's needs as equal to your own.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

DTO said:


> I agree that you can't negotiate desire for sex or horniness. *But you can act in a way that honors your marriage and your spouse's needs as equal to your own.*


EXACTLY. And there is NO excuse for partners in monogamous relationships to avoid doing this, generously.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

LisaDiane said:


> EXACTLY. And there is NO excuse for partners in monogamous relationships to avoid doing this, generously.


The unfortunate truth is many people don't agree. The person not wanting sex will assert sex is a bonus, if I have to try there's something wrong, that's not spontaneous and natural, etc.

And sometimes the person wanting sex will reject it as pity sex or something of the like.


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