# Controlling or trying? Reading Codependent No More, getting confused a little...



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Hello Ladies, (and men if you like to speak as well on my post)

Thought I would post here as I think with this topic possibly the females/wives may be my biggest critics with this question. Men, feel free to chime in as well. If anything...I've got big shoulders from my dad. 

Brief background: part of my 'issue' I'm learning is #1) I'm codependent. Dont' like I'm finding this makes me feel more horrible to see and read I'm this person, but I am taking steps to hopefully learn and break from it. #2) H feels our marriage should just be us. There is no need for outside friends etc. He says I and our DD is all he needs.

I over several years realize never had female friendships. Not true good ones. Only ones more as acquantencies. None I would call up to go to dinner, coffee, shopping or just talk to when I'm stressed and need a friend. In the 18yrs we have been together (married 12 of those) I have literally gone out on a 'girls nite' 4 times with coworkers. Two of those times were over nights. Mind you, he hated each and every one of them. Admitted hates I can have fun when he's not around. Over last few years he's become very jealous (admittedly) He is 51, I'm 40. He never use to be jealous. He hated how he would flirt and I wouldn't get jealous of him. I didn't becuase I felt that comfortable in knowing he loved me and he was coming home to me. He never really got jealous of me, that I knew of. But now, over last couple years, he is very bad with it. I'm talking of me being with anyone having fun.....females! 

He has said that because I"ve developed very low self esteem, that's a reason he doesn't like me going out without him. Says men will see that and take advantage of it. Although he trust me...says if he were single and seen me out, he knows what he would do. 

Anyway...if I am ask to do something I come up with excuses do to H. I do so I don't have to deal with his 'wrath' per say. He gets that mood of ingore me to punish me type attitude. Like a woman kinda.

So since these issues have come to light last 2 years, counseling a few months and he has been told he's controlling and manipulating, which he still denies and says I'm taking completly wrong way...to 'make up for it' he purchases me a gift certificate to a spa for me and a 'friend of my choice' as he put it. (back up a minute, one friend I was going to go out one night with over a year ago, he flat out said no becuase he heard through rumor mill her and her husband were swingers and he didn't want me around someone like that. mind you he's known them for years as I and they are the nicest people.)

So, when I ask 'friend of choice' he says yes, even if you want ot ask **** I won't get mad. I'm trying to show you that I'm working through this thing of you needing friends. I say, 'that's nice, but .... isn't this still kind of controlling as it's an enviroment and place that YOU have dictated to feel secure?" Just like, he wants me to join the church to meet other women since I have no outside friends and this way I will meet some and can do things with them through the church. I again, bring up 'his environment' and controll of situation. He tells me I'm completely wrong and taking what he does total wrong.

So....am I? Please understand, I do appreciate the gift a lot. It's the words behind it, the meaning behind it that has rubbed me wrong way. And in reading this Codependnet No More, I am really struggling with all this.

He's told me he hopes this book isn't teaching me how to live without him as that is defeating his total purpose of what he is trying to do in making us right again. Says he cannot live without me, yes he knows he can survive without me but doesn't want to and doesn't want me to feel I need someone else to be happy. Which again, I can't stress enough how this is not about meeting someone else. I have no desire for someone else, especailly companionship. I can't handle one I have now!

He says he knows I would move on without him, find someones else but he won't and it would kill him to see I me if I did. I told him he's 51, not dead. He is very complacent. Likes to have our own little world. I appease him all the time. The characteristics in this book are so me I cried after seeing just how much of me is in this book. 

I now the book is about me being controlling but I guess that's where I'm struggling. Like the gift card and church....I feel that is HIM controlling the situation for me. So, is it my reaction that is controlling back? I feel resentment and want to use the gift card for myself as I really don't have a close friend to ask. What girls I do know will find it completely odd if I do ask since it is completely out of norm! Is that me controlling back then?

Sorry, I know I'm very confusing in my talking. I'm working on the detached chapter. So I"m in early part of book yet. Just trying to relate to current situations.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think it is good that you are asking these questions, and I am a firm believer that when you are learning something new, you can go overboard. Really, I don't think his intention was to control you with the Spa day. I mean, a spa is a spa. He can't possibly control who goes in and out of it, so he won't know who is there with you. I don't particularly see it as controlling, but I think that is just because I perceive it differently. ( Plus, I love spa days) 

Have you asked your counselor about it?


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

IMO, the gift card is a gift. You may use it as you like. You do not have to use it in the terms he has defined for you. It is yours. Go to the spa. Don't take a friend. Use it all for you. Enjoy yourself, your book, your time away, your solitude. Thank him for the kind gift and let him know how and when you will use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think his paranoia about you finding someone else and leaving is a little suspicious. has he had an affair in the past? usually those that accuse and fear do it because they themselves are guilty of it.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> I think his paranoia about you finding someone else and leaving is a little suspicious. has he had an affair in the past? usually those that accuse and fear do it because they themselves are guilty of it.


Not that I'm aware of. It has been said (from him) since his Love Language is physical and I don't meet that and since I'm not jealous, he relates himself to men out and about that he very easily could get someone to meet his physcial need and his jealousy or fear of me being out and 'meeting someone' is becuase he know's himself and if he were out seen me...he'd pray on my insecurity to get to me.

Also..I'll try to make quick...this all came to head 2 yrs ago when long time friends of ours, the wife and I were planning a girls night out of town. He was mad and actually told me no, as he heard they were swingers. He later on said to me if I need friends and he needs physical, that maybe I should go out with her and then she can meet my need and then meet his. :scratchhead: After he made comment he said "just trying to make a point" with respect to how he view's my 'needs'.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

emotionalwreck said:


> Not that I'm aware of. It has been said (from him) since *his Love Language is physical and I don't meet that *and since I'm not jealous, he relates himself to men out and about that *he very easily could get someone to meet his physcial need* and his jealousy or fear of me being out and 'meeting someone' is *because he know's himself and if he were out seen me...he'd pray on my insecurity to get to me.*


He is saying that he's not getting his needs met and he could very easily go out and get those needs met by some vulnerable girl. I hate to put thoughts in your head but his obsession over who you hang out with sounds more to me like paranoia over who you might run into. so much for guys not speaking in code. turn this back around on him and watch his temper flare.


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Blanca said:


> He is saying that he's not getting his needs met and he could very easily go out and get those needs met by some vulnerable girl. I hate to put thoughts in your head but his obsession over who you hang out with sounds more to me like paranoia over who you might run into. so much for guys not speaking in code. turn this back around on him and watch his temper flare.


What do you mean turn back around? I do understand that he is paranoid of me meeting another man. I take that as his insecurity of 1) our age difference and 2) because I am way more social than him


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ya, nevermind. im probably wrong anyway.


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## jmfabulous (Jan 19, 2011)

I find him a little controlling...maybe the gift certificate, was just that, a gift. But putting limits on who you can/can't go with is a bit controlling...he doesn't want you to get close to any girlfriends because they will tell you he is controlling.


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