# My teen daughter and my Marriage~help



## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

My daughter is 16 and to me is a typical teen girl. The difference between her and many are she stays in her room most of her waking time outside of school hours. My husband, who is not her dad is not understanding when it comes to my daughters typical kid needs. Half the time they get along, half the time they do not. Both have issues, deep seeded I'd say, and they act like blood relatives instead of step parent step daughter. 
The issues here are appearently all mine. My husband seems to think I give my daughter everything. By that he says I let her go anywhere she wants, when she wants, do what she wants and I get her whatever she wants. This child has a used bed, a used dresser, a small desk and chair for my laptop that I gave to her. She has clothes, not an abundance of them, shoes and a cell phone. That is it. She just turned 16 so she hasn't worked. She doesn't "hang out", parties, football games, dances, etc. Usually two weekends a month she will go to my 24 year old daughters house to visit and spend time with my new grandbaby. During those weekends, she also gets to spend time with their father. Other than this my daughter might go to a friends house once or twice in a two week period. Always home by 8pm on a school night. Never has been in trouble. 
My husband on the other hand has three children, ages 25, 24 and 21. He thinks he is a pro at parenting but i do not think so. His ex wife raised the kids until she split on all of them about 10 years ago. He put in long hours back then to support the family. Now a days, it is just me and my daughter and my husband, he works 40 hours. For some reason he feels superior to my child and me. He is controlling, he drinks and over a year ago stopped drinking at home. If my daughter should ask me a question I usually dont have the chance to answer before he interrupts. Some times I agree with his answers and sometimes I would have gave a different one. I have talked about this with him and he will say he will keep his mouth shut, really, he rarely does. She gets angry and because they are both outspoken, both of them are responsible for the smart remarks, insults at times, slamming bedroom door, stomping through the house, trying to piss the other off. I feel like I have two children at home and no matter what, I CAN'T PLEASE EITHER OF THEM AND SURE THE HELL CAN'T PLEASE ME. I'm frustrated, so frustrated. I ask her to please stop. Stop being a smart ass and think before she speaks. I ask the same of him. I seriously think they enjoy this and MOST of the time, I'm the one who is left hurt, much of the time it is my daughter and myself who are hurt. Anyone going through these same problems? My husband swears he cares about my daughter, I swear he hates her existance some of the time and other times, they seem to get along great. He can't wait for her to leave home, she can't either. I will be sad when she does have to get out on her own but yet relieved that just maybe my marriage will be better since the only real issue we have is the two of them. I love them both so much but I don't know how to keep them from themselves and their attitudes. I swear they are like twins. I've threatened to walk out on them both already. (in the heat of the moment) PLEASE HELP me figure this one out?


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

Oh, I failed to mention, we have tried counseling and that hasn't worked. She blames him, he blames her, it gets no where except more hurt because each one feels the other lied about the way it is. When I would defend the one who would be correct, trust me when I say, it doesn't end well. Some one is always mad at me.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have 3 kids from my first marriage, and am remarried. Our daughter is 19, the boys are older. My husband has never gotten along with the oldest - they even had a fist fight once. 

I don't take sides when they get at each others throats. My husband had the sense to leave most of the parenting up to me, which I wanted and so did the kids, but they still butt heads quite a bit sometimes. My daughter can be a tyrant and I do reign her in when she needs it.

Have you ever just told them you're done being their referee and they're on their own?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband is the adult. Instead of acting like an adult, he has locked himself into an ongoing p!ss fight with a now 16 year old girl.

All he would have to do is to stop being part of these arguments and drama fests.

It hardly sounds like you give her everything she wants and let her run wild. So he's picking on you as well.

Why are you staying with a man who puts you down and mistreats your daughter?

How long have you been married to him?


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

yes, as a matter of fact I have told them. It usually ends with each of them coming to me separately and making comments about it. So, I'm still in the middle. I give the same response...I don't want to be apart of this, it's between you two. Then I tell each one what they did to cause it to go where it ended up and how it could have been handled differently.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Stop listening to them and stop telling them how they both caused it. By doing this you are keeing yourself in the middle.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sadanddepressed68 said:


> yes, as a matter of fact I have told them. It usually ends with each of them coming to me separately and making comments about it. So, I'm still in the middle. I give the same response...I don't want to be apart of this, it's between you two. *Then I tell each one what they did to cause it to go where it ended up and how it could have been handled differently.*


By doing that, you're not staying out of it. The reason they keep coming to you is because you always give in and start refereeing again after you say you won't. You have to pretend that you don't care one tiny bit, and then act like it. No matter what.

It's the same concept as locking them in a room and not letting them out till they're friends. Except the room is figurative, not literal.


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

I have been with my husband since my daughter was 9. It wasn't always like this. It has started when she hit her teenage years. I don't blame one or the other, I blame them both. I have talked to her about respecting him for the fact that is how she is raised to be respectful and to think before you speak. I tell him pretty much the same. We are in our 40's and I believe my husband was brought up that children should be seen not heard. I use to hear that alot out of him. Neither of them are saints, I don't believe he is putting me down or mistreating her. He has never laid a hand on or punished my daughter. They are each partially responsible, he maybe more so since he is the adult. : (


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

You ladies are right, It is my fault that I keep ending up there. I feel that being her mother that I am suppose to make her understand how impulsive she is and quick to say whatever comes rolling out of her mouth with no regaurd to his feelings. Example: we live in a very nice mobile home, in an arguement she refered to our home as "a dumpy trailor". I thought he would have choked her. I know I could have. Your thoughts? I want her to express how she feels but with thought behind what comes out. Am I wrong?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She's sixteen. Sixteen year olds are not known for their diplomacy. She probably said that just to spite you or him.

If my daughter said something like that I would have laughed at her, because what she said was absurd. 

You need to separate her teenage angst issues from the issues with your husband so that you can recognize which are which and deal with them accordingly.


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

That is one for me to figure out. Haven't thought about it that way. I feel like there is my child manipulating my marriage because I'm not with her dad. 
After years of my ex husband and my divorce, he is finally dating and I watched and listened to my daughter go bananas because of the choices her dad is making without her (omg) and I cannot believe the way she was reacting. Just another example of the way she can be. The counselor says she thinks she is ENTITLED to and for everything. I don't like that but I don't know how to help her more than when I see or hear her doing or saying something wrong, talk to her about it as I should. Otherwise, she may have a rude awakening when she is out on her own and spouts off to the wrong man or person. I just try to do the right thing. Thank you. I am going to try what you suggested.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The entitlement issue is an epidemic in young people today. The only way to combat it is to quit giving them everything they want and doing everything they want. You have a class till 10 pm? Well take the bus home. Want a cell phone? Get a job. Want $150 jeans? Again, get a job. You're required to provide love, food, shelter and clothing. That doesn't mean designer clothes, new shoes every week, or eating out every day. My daughter is a health food fanatic, but some of the supplements and ingredients she wants, no WAY am I gonna pay for.

The public education system is partially to blame for this too IMO. It's good to recognize your part in it, but don't lay the mommy guilt on too thick.


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## Sadanddepressed68 (Apr 26, 2013)

WiltedCala, 
Wow. I am sorry to hear what you are going through at this moment. It does sound like some of the same issues I have with these two here. I wish my husband and my daughter would stop their need to be above eachother and that she would stop acting like a spoiled brat. My Ex husband blames me for the way our youngest daughter is and my current husband blames me for the simple fact....I give her too much. (as I previously mentioned in my post) Rediculous. I wish someone else had to take the responsibility instead of always being mom. I have never spanked my girls but I will say my youngest here at home has been smacked in the mouth twice in her life, all within the last two years. I would think of my daughter as being spoiled if I was always out shopping for her, running her everywhere...oh hell, let me just run right out there and buy her a car with money I don't have. I really don't understand. I feel like there is a power struggle here between the both, my husband and daughter. Over what I do not know. Over me? Once he said to me that I love my daughter more, I do more for her...blah blah blah. I cant believe he could think that. I do way more, maybe too much for him. I make and bring coffee to his bedside each morning, I make breakfast on the weekends, I am at work when they get up during the week, come home make dinner and spend much of the evenings watching tv with him. Yard work with him, when time warrents, body work on cars, grocery shop, laundry FOR HIM (she does her own) and I take out the trash. I roll cig.s for him, make him lunches for work when he asks for it. (lunch is provided at work) What do I do for my daughter? I am a mom to her, guide her in every way I can, get her clothing when it is needed. Buy her personal items that she needs as a teen. I can't afford to do more than that. That is an issue for her and I as well and the fact that she EXPECTS me to have the money tree planted in my backyard. Hello? Where can I get one of those? Funny thing is, her father messed up our marriage and after 24 years of dealing with his alcoholism, I split with the kids. After all I have done as a mom, all mentioned above, doctor appts., hospital visits, holidays. She gives me no credit, and her dad seems to be the "it" guy. She treats my husband at times like crap. I hate it but as stated in the beginning, he knows how to push her buttons as well. The other thing is yeah, she is a kid, she thinks she knows everything and no matter how you try to explain life to her...I AM ALWAYS THE ASS. ? I hope your situation improves. My husband and I arent talking either, been three days. I don't kiss any *** for him to realize what he did wrong to you and then argue with me about it like I'm some 4 year old...I DON'T THINK SO!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, it sounds to me like it's time you plan a vacation without your family somewhere. Leave them at home to fend for themselves. Leave a list of what needs to be done every day if you feel that's necessary, but don't say who should do what - let them work it out. Just tell them that when you get home if the house has been destroyed that you're not cleaning it up. And then DON'T.

I just spent a week in bed sick and the dishes got done, the cats got fed, and the house didn't blow up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She thinks she can wear you down. Unfortunately, all you can do is weather the storm. Sooner or later it WILL end. The fact she's been treated like that in the past, combined with the lack of support from your ex, isn't helping either. Just keep up YOUR good work.

Why are YOU washing HER ball uniform anyway?? And replacing shoes dads girlfriends dog ruined?? She should be getting those shoes from dad, not you. And if he doesn't provide them, then your daughter should herself. She can get $2 ones from Goodwill if she has to. how is that your problem??


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