# Scared of getting married



## Elsajolliefille (Feb 9, 2016)

I got to know this amazing person and the fact that he's just my kind of person made me fall in love with him. He's 29 years old and I'm 25. Within just knowing each other in 2 months , he started bringing up the topic of getting married. I am still a student and he's already well established. The fact that I have yet to start working and already jumping into marriage scares the hell out of me. My parents had 8 years of gap , fell in love and got married but after the years have gone by they fell apart. And as an experience , I know how hard it feels living in a household lacking of love. Which is why I'm extra careful when it comes to relationships. He's really serious about marriage. But why do I still have doubts about getting married to him? I am very much afraid of losing my freedom and control in life ; also the fact talking bout marriage scares me and its just been two months. He wants to marry me next year. Is 1 year enough to know a person? We have had arguments whereby he gets really defensive bout his opinions and at times communicating with him can be hard. 

How can I be at peace with all these?


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## tickled_pink (Feb 9, 2016)

Elsajolliefille said:


> Is 1 year enough to know a person?


I think every relationship is different, but in my opinion, no...1 year is not long enough. You're still honeymooning. 

I think you are having reservations because you know in yourself that you aren't ready to take that step. You're young, you have plenty of time. I don't understand what the rush is.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

You have reservations because you are still young and inexperienced in living life, frankly I think you are thinking rationally. I believe every person should live on their own for a time, the confidence and maturity learned living independently will carry thru your entire life. And the fun of being a 20 something independent adult is just incredible, that's something I preach to both my kids (25 + 22), do everything you can think of right now before you are saddled with responsibilities and obligations. 

Don't be pressured into marriage, make your own decisions and enjoy your life as you want. Don't get me wrong I'm not anti marriage, getting married and starting that phase of life is great, but just make sure it's the phase YOU want before you commit.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Elsajolliefille said:


> I got to know this amazing person and the fact that he's just my kind of person made me fall in love with him. He's 29 years old and I'm 25. Within just knowing each other in 2 months , he started bringing up the topic of getting married. I am still a student and he's already well established. The fact that I have yet to start working and already jumping into marriage scares the hell out of me. My parents had 8 years of gap , fell in love and got married but after the years have gone by they fell apart. And as an experience , I know how hard it feels living in a household lacking of love. Which is why I'm extra careful when it comes to relationships. He's really serious about marriage.* But why do I still have doubts about getting married to him?*I am very much afraid of losing my freedom and control in life ; also the fact talking bout marriage scares me and its just been two months. He wants to marry me next year. Is 1 year enough to know a person? We have had arguments whereby he gets really defensive bout his opinions and at times communicating with him can be hard.
> 
> How can I be at peace with all these?


Because it's only been 2 months and you're uncomfortable with it,and that's all that really matters. If it doesn't feel right then it's not. You're still growing as your own person. Don't let the limerence of a new relationship cloud your judgement because marriage is one of the biggest steps a person can make in life.

Welcome to TAM.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I knew after 2 weeks of dating that DH was the person I would marry. I did know him a couple of months prior to dating though. I don't think it's so much about how long you've known them. You could know someone for years and still never really get below the surface. Quality over quantity. My three checkboxes for marriage: Are they the right person for you? Are you the right person for them? Are you both at that point in life that you're ready to get married?

People have to trust themselves. Walking into a lifelong commitment with doubts means you shouldn't be walking into a lifelong commitment. I think the reason so many marriages fail is because people ignore their doubts, ignore the warning signs and jump in thinking it'll all just magically work out.


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## Elsajolliefille (Feb 9, 2016)

Thanks guys. I mean I do have a gut feeling that says i'm not ready yet. Frankly speaking he's being pressurised to get married at the age of 30 and so it happens that I am only 26 (then) . My parents are totally cool about me getting married at this age , but the thing is I am not ready. And every time I tell him that marriage is a big step for me , he gets defensive. He kept misquoting me saying that if i'm not ready now , I wont be anytime soon even after a year. So how do I tell him this without him getting all jumpy? He is the right one , but how do I tell him its the wrong time and thats what I need?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Elsajolliefille said:


> I got to know this amazing person and the fact that he's just my kind of person made me fall in love with him. He's 29 years old and I'm 25. Within just knowing each other in 2 months , he started bringing up the topic of getting married. I am still a student and he's already well established. The fact that I have yet to start working and already jumping into marriage scares the hell out of me. My parents had 8 years of gap , fell in love and got married but after the years have gone by they fell apart. And as an experience , I know how hard it feels living in a household lacking of love. Which is why I'm extra careful when it comes to relationships. He's really serious about marriage. But why do I still have doubts about getting married to him? I am very much afraid of losing my freedom and control in life ; also the fact talking bout marriage scares me and its just been two months. He wants to marry me next year. Is 1 year enough to know a person? We have had arguments whereby he gets really defensive bout his opinions and at times communicating with him can be hard.
> 
> How can I be at peace with all these?


You've known this guy 2 months and you're afraid to get married right now? That means you're sane.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Relationship experts give a general time line of *18 months* to be able to tell the difference between *infatuation *and* something lasting*...I, too, felt completely comfortable & KNEW my Bf/ now husband was one of those GOOD GUYS early on.. but still we need consistent experiences...learning how we react to conflict ...how to resolve... (hugely important for harmony)...if the attraction remains over a long haul.. when we learn ALL the flaws & quirks of another, their secrets, some vulnerability.. and still love them and feel we couldn't live without them.. you will begin to feel more confident.. it's too early ! That's wisdom!..

Also how you "fit" compatibility wise.. the fact you say in your opening post 



> *Elsajolliefille said *: " *We have had arguments whereby he gets really defensive bout his opinions and at times communicating with him can be hard. *"


I'd call these RED FLAGS














...there are some true compatibility issues here where he WANTS HIS WAY.. and it seems the communication is then halted - on his end ....you're feeling he is difficult.. this is not generous, of a giving spirit.. showing he cares about your happiness also.. 

These particular disagreements.. any of them deal breakers for you?...weighing these things. knowing ourselves enough to see what can potentially cause a train wreck down the road is very wise.. at this early stage.. 

Most are on their BEST behavior even. which just shows.. more time.. you may come to see more









One very important aspect of all healthy marriages is.. free flowing communication.. being able to take everything & anything to our spouses.. knowing they care how WE feel too.. and together.. we'll both do our best to meet each other half way..


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Elsajolliefille said:


> Thanks guys. I mean I do have a gut feeling that says i'm not ready yet. *Frankly speaking he's being pressurised to get married at the age of 30* and so it happens that I am only 26 (then) . My parents are totally cool about me getting married at this age , but the thing is I am not ready. And every time I tell him that marriage is a big step for me , he gets defensive. He kept misquoting me saying that if i'm not ready now , I wont be anytime soon even after a year. So how do I tell him this without him getting all jumpy? He is the right one , but how do I tell him its the wrong time and thats what I need?


I would break It off with this guy and his pressure. I am a guy who has been in your position so to speak. I was involved with a woman who got it in her brain that if she wasn't married By thirty( again) She would be some kind of outcast. So she never wanted to marry me she just wanted to get married. Everytime I brought that up she got defensive and swore it wasn't that way. I kept telling her that if she would cool it on the marriage talk and concentrate on our relationship (in the now) she would get everything she wanted in due time. The right time not her made up timeline in her head. It would get better for awhile then creep back up. At 18 months she felt it was enough to time to get engaged but by then we were fighting because of her behavior. My gut told me she just wanted to be married and didn't matter who filled my shoes.

We broke up and Come to find out she met a guy and married in 4 months. Sometimes your instincts about people are right. Obviously I was way more into her then she was into me. I would recommend that you not be with anyone who pressures you for a status you're not ready for.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Very good logic that you are having and all of us, so far, are agreeing! 2 months is to short to commit to a marriage....

I waited 3 years, for my second marriage, and 3 years later I am divorcing. I am older; consider myself a good judge of character; and gave myself time.

You get to know people over time...you cannot rush it. Dating and having a boyfriend is fun and light! Living together and marriage is tough, real tough, at times.

I suggest, if you do want to marry him, then have a long engagement. Get some per-marital counseling. I can't stress enough about the pre-marital counseling. It brings up topics to consider (finances; work; children rearing; household tasks; dealing with friendships in the relationships; communication; conflict). Seriously...things come out in counseling that is easier to deal with when the real issues arise.


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## Elsajolliefille (Feb 9, 2016)

I too do feel that at this stage when communication is hard , then in future it will be even tougher. I was trying to be practical but I was pushed aside as being fickle minded. I agreed to marry him , but only after 2 years when I'm established. By then apparently he's 'too old'. Am I overthinking about all these , or should I just wait and see? I had a talk with my friend whose relationship lasted for more than 7 years ( they are still dating ) yet at times , rocky, they still are working it out which I feel would make their marriage institution stronger should they get married. 

Do i need to ask him about whether or not he's rushing into marriage just to fill up the status or does he really want to marry me? 

We also had sexual intercourse recently , to which this became an issue when I brought up the fact that I needed time to get to know him. His arguments were : how could you have intimate relationship with a guy without knowing him well? The next question was ' are you the type that gets intimate with a guy and then once problems come up , dump him for another?' . I found them pretty hurtful and rude (though the first question can be justified ) . Frankly speaking , despite him being the one ; I feel like i'm in a mess.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

He is not going to wait 3 years, or 2, 1 is the limit. This is his problem not yours. He has a goal and an agenda. Your life plan is not compatible with his. The sooner you two quit fighting it and let the relationship go, the better off you will be. He is right in his conclusion that you will not be ready to be married in a year. He just hasn't acted on that knowledge. 

Advice for him. Stop letting family set deadlines for your life. Man up and tell them you will be making those decisions. You wasted 5 years of your life where you should have been in relationships preparing yourself to get married at 30. Now you are 29 and trying to cram it all into one year. Take the time you need to get ready. With someone that you don't fight with.

Advice for @Elsajolliefille. If you think that someday you want to be in a long term relationship (and I don't see any sign of that now), you need to start overcoming your insecurities about marriage. Currently you are incapable of making that commitment. You are claiming that it is because you aren't ready now. But, the fact is that time and jobs and degrees are not going to change that. If you are happy with long term singleness, stop reaching for some "social norm" that doesn't fit you. If you, on the other hand, Long for lasting connection with others. You are going to have to get to work on your self.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Elsajolliefille said:


> *We also had sexual intercourse recently , to which this became an issue when I brought up the fact that I needed time to get to know him. His arguments were : how could you have intimate relationship with a guy without knowing him well? The next question was ' are you the type that gets intimate with a guy and then once problems come up , dump him for another?' *. I found them pretty hurtful and rude (though the first question can be justified ) . Frankly speaking , despite him being the one ; I feel like i'm in a mess.


OP I'm glad you found this site. Many of us find this site when we're in the middle of a crisis in our marriages. In your case you're ahead of the curve so to speak. How many TAM's saw red flags and got married anyway thinking it will all work out? 

I was originally just going to say 2 months in a life time of marriage is like a drop of water in the bucket. It's just a speck of time. Take some more time to get to know each other. Marriage is work and not so easy sometimes.

But now I'm going to say DON'T MARRY HIM! His comment about sex is CONTROLLING, GUILTING and DISRESPECTFUL. This is not a red flag, this is a SHOW STOPPER. What will happen when you're married and you have a disagreement about something. If he employs the same tactic he used in regards to sex your marriage will not last.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

If you're not ready, you're not ready. Simple as that. NEVER get married unless you are 200% ready. He can take it or leave it. 

From the sounds of it, he'll leave it and be doing you a huge favor in the process.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Unless you've been together long enough to know each other inside and out regarding topics like this:

how to manage finances and debt
where you will want to live
importance (or not) of home ownership, and when
whether you want kids and how many and when
will the kids be raised with a SAHP or both will work
role of extended family in your lives
sexual compatibility - frequency, adventurousness, significance to the couple
lifestyle issues - home and family, or travel and adventure? 
compatibility issues - introverts/extroverts, fitness and sports, movies, music and books, girls or boys' nights out, how is housework shared, etc.
role of religion (or not) in your lives
health matters
and many more...

then neither of you are ready for marriage. I suspect at 2 months, you haven't even begun to learn about these things, much less discussed them in depth.

If your bf wants you to be ready for marriage without having discussed these types of issues, then he is immature and nowhere near ready for marriage.



Elsajolliefille said:


> We also had sexual intercourse recently , to which this became an issue when I brought up the fact that I needed time to get to know him. His arguments were : how could you have intimate relationship with a guy without knowing him well? The next question was ' are you the type that gets intimate with a guy and then once problems come up , dump him for another?' . I found them pretty hurtful and rude (though the first question can be justified ) . Frankly speaking , despite him being the one ; I feel like i'm in a mess.


Huge red flag. Ask him what he thinks you believe on any 5 of the topics I listed above, and then ask him if he really thinks he knows you well enough to decide to make a lifetime commitment to you.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

A couple of great friends of mine--who are both happily married 30+years--both told me that if you don't "have a burning desire to get married to that person" then don't. Wait until you do. And if you never do, then don't get married to them.

Don't let him pressure you into M. That's a bad way to start off. 

Personally, I think it's best to date someone at least a year before you get engaged--gives time for the honeymoon stage to wear off--and then a ~2 year engagement. But that's me. YMMV.


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

Slow down!!


Sent from Above


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is a JERK with an agenda. Not only should you NOT marry him, you should probably not even be dating him! He is showing NO respect for you!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Don't let anyone pressure or rush you into marriage. You should only marry someone is you are 100% sure that you want to spent the rest of your life with them.

Read up on the signs of an abusive relationship. Sounds like he is rushing you to commit because he has an agenda. Be very careful of anyone who does this. It a HUGE RED FLAG.

Be very careful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Elsajolliefille said:


> Within just knowing each other in 2 months , he started bringing up the topic of getting married.


Reckless and irresponsible. You barely know each other. 



Elsajolliefille said:


> We have had arguments whereby he gets really defensive bout his opinions and at times communicating with him can be hard.


Marriage makes these sorts of problems exponentially and indescribeably worse.

There are red flags in those two quotes I posted, and there are most likely many more but you're not seeing them because you are in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Elsajolliefille said:


> I too do feel that at this stage when communication is hard , then in future it will be even tougher. I was trying to be practical but I was pushed aside as being fickle minded. I agreed to marry him , but only after 2 years when I'm established. By then apparently he's 'too old'. Am I overthinking about all these , or should I just wait and see? I had a talk with my friend whose relationship lasted for more than 7 years ( they are still dating ) yet at times , rocky, they still are working it out which I feel would make their marriage institution stronger should they get married.
> 
> Do i need to ask him about whether or not he's rushing into marriage just to fill up the status or does he really want to marry me?
> 
> We also had sexual intercourse recently , to which this became an issue when I brought up the fact that I needed time to get to know him. His arguments were : how could you have intimate relationship with a guy without knowing him well? The next question was ' are you the type that gets intimate with a guy and then once problems come up , dump him for another?' . I found them pretty hurtful and rude (though the first question can be justified ) . Frankly speaking , despite him being the one ; I feel like i'm in a mess.


Loving someone doesn't mean they are "the one". I loved someone for a long time, he was a great person, but at the end of the day I paid attention to the red flags and ended it before the marriage bit happened. 

If he can say stuff like that to you then he isn't "the one". He doesn't know you and he doesn't want to. He just wants someone who will do what he says. He'll pressure you to get what he wants, a marriage, and what you want doesn't factor into it.

This man you are with sounds like the sort of person who decides they are ready to get married, so they settle with the person they are with, or with the first person that comes along once they've reached that point. It's not about you (the person they are with), it's just about them. They are ready; you're there so you'll do.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm so impressed with your wisdom and maturity at such a tender age. Good for you for being smart about this. I respectfully disagree, he's not the one. I would vote for breaking it off, frankly. Too many red flags for my comfort.

Good luck and know that you're being very smart. Don't let him bum rush you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
For my future wife and I, it was so obvious that we were going to get married, that it wasn't really a question at all. 

Only consider marrying someone who makes you happy and comfortable.


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