# So how long has it been?



## proudwidaddy

Hey everyone...how long has it been since you have "been" with another person? How do you cope with the dry spell?

It's been about five months with me. I'm starting to go stir crazy. Before the split we were averaging 2-3x a week. Now nothing.


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## nice777guy

A solid 8 months here. After 17 months of something that "mostly" resembled a regular sex life!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

7.5 months.
it sucks.


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## proudwidaddy

I know that the divorce will be done in a few months, I won't even do anything until the divorce is final. Then who knows how long.


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## Suzyque

I've lost count, but well over a year. Maybe two. 

I became frantic, then angry, then desperate, then depressed. Short of going to a bar and picking someone up, I realized I wasn't going to "get any." 

I have completely given up on being with someone again.


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## Jellybeans

Too got damn long. I am feeling antsy over here. Seriously, my libido is off the charts some days.


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## SRN

Its been about three months for me. Maybe I'm fortunate that my sex life during marriage was somewhat unfulfilling? I'm ancy, but it was fairly normal to go more than a month without it anyway. Mostly I just miss the kissing. Is that strange?


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## solitudeseeker

Pretty much exactly a year. We made the firm decision to end our marriage last May, but had stopped having sex the month before.

I'm coping just fine. Frankly don't care a rat's ass about sex any more. But I am post-menopausal, and, being a biologist, I feel that loss of libido after one is no longer fertile is quite normal.


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## proudwidaddy

Srn,
I'm with you I miss the kissing, and hugging so much. God my stbxw was great at that. Now some other giu has that, I hope the other guy is horrible in bed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Proud--stop focusing on the other guy so much.

Focus on this: one day you ARE going to hit the sheets with someone new (it's inevitable) and it's going to be oh so amazing.

Schwing! 

It's a thought process I've developed that makes me very happy.


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## proudwidaddy

Jelly,
Are you hitting on me??? 

You are right, I need to make sure to stay Proud-centric


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## Jellybeans

Not hitting on you, just offering friendly advice from someone who's BTDT  

And yes, be Proud-centric. It will make you feel better.


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## CLucas976

recently, since january or february.

before that? I went from June to January. 

I had finally gotten to the shut off point where I was content without it, and now I'm raging and angry again. lol.


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## SRN

proudwidaddy said:


> Srn,
> I'm with you I miss the kissing, and hugging so much. God my stbxw was great at that. Now some other giu has that, I hope the other guy is horrible in bed
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ditto. She loved to hug me and cuddle. And because of that, the lack of sex never really bothered me (well, as much as that can't bother a man).



Jellybeans said:


> Proud--stop focusing on the other guy so much.
> 
> Focus on this: one day you ARE going to hit the sheets with someone new (it's inevitable) and it's going to be oh so amazing.
> 
> Schwing!
> 
> It's a thought process I've developed that makes me very happy.


I hope you are right. I really do. I know I'm an attractive, intelligent man with a good job, car, home and have the ability to be very confident (not much of that lately). I'm just still reeling. 58 days from start to finish. I'm just in shock, I think.


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## bandit.45

A little over two months for me. Sucks!!

My wife and I were morning lovers, 3 times a week average. 

I wake up some mornings now and I could chop down an oak tree with Bandit Jr.


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## Lon

the last year and half of marriage was down to once every 3-4 months or so, last time with her was about a year ago, about a month before separation date. Then me and a sexy woman intervened in each others lives last Nov. (after my 8 month dry spell), that lasted a couple months, it has now been almost three months since that ended, but I've managed to find ways to stay mentally stimulated...


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## Dollystanford

I last had sex on the 6 March when he came back for one night

I faked it

but like Lon says, there's life out there, you just have to go and grab it with both hands...


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## Traggy

3 months. Damnit


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## Shooboomafoo

the last three to four years of my marriage consisted of maybe five times in all. The last two were completely sexless. It's embarrassing to admit, but after so many years of very little anyways, since the kid was born, and her mom had to move in, it was maybe twice a month anyways until those last few years. In the beginning, she said I was wrong to be so demanding of her because of a past thing.. But come to think of it, when we very first got together, we were at it all the time. I began to hear what seemed like a need for me to back off, and then only time went by. Later on in the marriage, when I would try to talk about it, she would say she wasn't the type to initiate things... Somehow different than from the facade at first? I withdrew eventually, partly because I resented the careless dismissal of me, and also wanted to be wanted. Other women had no problem expressing an interest, my wife just seemed to turn off the light altogether. This was truly how I lived for so long. My honeymoon was her at seven months preggo, and completely sexless. I read other peoples experiences and just shake my head at how my marriage was so abnormal. Sorry for being so personal and likely depressing to yall. I've taken a lot, but thought it was my duty to stay and work with it. I shouldn't have posted, I feel like sh!t now. Lol.


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## OldGirl

Sorry you feel like sh!t now. I always enjoy reading your posts.


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## par4

I could not make it a week
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.


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## nice777guy

Plan to have a couple of drinks and take advantage of myself later tonight. 

Unless I have another darn headache!!!


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## nice777guy

par4 said:


> I could not make it a week
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You kind of have to - unless you are up for a ONS or dive head first into some new relationship. Neither of which sounds real appealing to me at this moment.


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## LovesHerMan

nice777guy said:


> Plan to have a couple of drinks and take advantage of myself later tonight.
> 
> Unless I have another darn headache!!!


I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. 
Woody Allen


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## nice777guy

"Masturbation? Don't knock it. It's sex with someone I love"
- also the Great (but Creepy after he married his adopted stepchild) Woody Allen


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## nice777guy

Shooboomafoo said:


> you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.


That confusion is normal.

Don't worry about "normal." Focus more on what you want.

Sounds like you did your best. Her mistakes aren't your problem - except for all that damn residual crap you've been left to work on by yourself.

It certainly messes with your head - no matter who was at fault. 

Life is good - but it's not always fair.


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## Unhappy2011

nice777guy said:


> Plan to have a couple of drinks and take advantage of myself later tonight.
> 
> Unless I have another darn headache!!!


lol...good one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

Shooboomafoo said:


> you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.


Yeah man, that is EXACTLY how I felt about my sexless marriage too. Early in our marriage she was the hotter one, she would have loved it multiple times a day (of course I still don't see how this would have fit her reality especially as she wanted to have the deed done before 9pm so she could get her sleep) I was happy with the 2-3 times per week but when she started getting happy she was accusing me of rejecting her and manipulating her by controlling the sex. Then in later years when she was always the one turning it down she was saying it was her way of getting back and having some control over our sex life.

In the end it was all BS, she just lost her attraction to me - looking back now she started falling out of love with me LONG before her affairs and when she gave birth to our child we both stopped working on it: her because it gave her a reason to practice her lost attraction routine (which is why she "suffered through so much misery") and for me it was just as you described Shoo, I thought I was doing the right thing by showing her a deeper love.

Whatev, its done now. Next I suppose.


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## SRN

Shooboomafoo said:


> you know, I also remember thinking my willingness to not pressure, and be patient would develop a deeprer love for me, from her. Somehow creating an environment of more security and obvious motive for my marriage to her, a deeper intimate love existing beyond the libido. I thought I was being a good husband. Over the course of it all I fear I've become severely confused and have lost a sense of what is the norm, what is realistic, and good, and certainly am apprehensive about how the whole sixteen years has affected me.


Sounds all too familiar. Before we got married, she was always wanting to get it on. Then we got married, and it was good for awhile then tappered off. I've always read and heard that was normal, so I didn't think too much about it. She was still affectionate in other ways, so I was happy.
Over the past few years, though, it got to be once a month, maybe. That started to get a little annoying, but I didn't want to push to much. She knew I was getting a little irritated, so about a year ago she offered up a schedule. Three times a week. I was thrilled! Awesome, great! We tried to make it romantic each time. Candles, jazz music, lots of foreplay. That lasted about two months. Then she was back to saying that she didn't feel like it. It went from thrice to twice to once a week. We stayed at once a week until about three or four months before everything fell apart, then it went back to once a month or so.
After she decided to end it, and before I knew about the affair, I asked if it was because of the sex. She said no, it always felt fine but that she "Never really felt the emotional connection when we did it." That hurt.


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## Jellybeans

Shooboomafoo said:


> the last three to four years of my marriage consisted of maybe five times in all. The last two were completely sexless.


Okay... if we could take votes on who should get laid first in this thread, my vote would be for you, Shoo.  

LOL.


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## Catherine602

Shoo the way you perceived your marriage now is much clearer and realistic than ever. I think it is a healthy sign of recovery. You grieve the end of the relationship. 

But how much should you grieve for something that was not good. If it were not for your daughter and your wifes betrayal you could almost say you should be celebrating. 

I think you are coming out of the fog of 17 years and deciding what the elements of a good relationship will be for you going forward. 

The years were not waisted in terms of personal growth. You got the relationship you wanted at the time. It was not good because you expected too little from your partner. You gave much more than you got. 

You may have remained in that cold place for 20 more years. Now you are rethinking what it takes to make a good relationship. You have that to look forward to, when you are ready. 

I think it never good to give more than you get from the very beginning in a relationship. May sound calculating but it prevents feeling anger and resentment and being taken for granted. 

You have a lot to give. When you are ready for you next commited relationship, make sure she had as much to give and is as willing to give as you.


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## Shooboomafoo

Spending so long in an environment that you know or feel is abnormal, but listening to their reasonings and excuses for so long that you begin to subscribe to the same viewpoint in areas of a marriage, really makes me think I am going to have to doublecheck myself often, to be sure I am not bringing any of that old toxic approach to a new relationship. 

I sure do realize the opportunity this is, in lieu of a lifetime of being married to the ex, and having to live like that. 

I have no idea what I really want right now, so I am making no moves towards involving myself with anyone at the moment, but who knows, I may end up wandering the aisles of the meat markets soon. 
Currently, I work where there are no women, I now live in a neighborhood that doesnt seem to be oriented towards available single women, and Ive just begun to settle down and get used to my new place and as you say Cat, grieving the end of the relationship, and trying to learn from it.
I really dont want any of this to be baggage that I bring into another relationship. I fear that. I caught myself talking about how the "wife and I" used to (whatever it was the conversation was about), and dammit, exhale. 

I cant wait until the bedroom is a fun place. So many years falling asleep to the sight of my wifes back turned to me.


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## proudwidaddy

Shoo,
Brother I feel for you, I really do. There is/was nothing worse than sleeping next to your spouse and still feeling lonely. At least now when I go to bed, I'm lonely because there is no one there, not lonely because there is someone there that doesn't want me. 

I was having a rough last hour, thinking of the last month or so of my marriage; how good it seemed to be at that time. How much our sex life had changed for the better (or so it seemed). Now I realize that she was just getting herself prepared for someone else, trying new things not for me, but for her. 

Life goes on right. Just have to focus on what we can control. I have the kids this weekend, so I will make the best out of that.


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## Traggy

Shooboomafoo said:


> Spending so long in an environment that you know or feel is abnormal, but listening to their reasonings and excuses for so long that you begin to subscribe to the same viewpoint in areas of a marriage, really makes me think I am going to have to doublecheck myself often, to be sure I am not bringing any of that old toxic approach to a new relationship.
> 
> I sure do realize the opportunity this is, in lieu of a lifetime of being married to the ex, and having to live like that.
> 
> I have no idea what I really want right now, so I am making no moves towards involving myself with anyone at the moment, but who knows, I may end up wandering the aisles of the meat markets soon.
> Currently, I work where there are no women, I now live in a neighborhood that doesnt seem to be oriented towards available single women, and Ive just begun to settle down and get used to my new place and as you say Cat, grieving the end of the relationship, and trying to learn from it.
> I really dont want any of this to be baggage that I bring into another relationship. I fear that. I caught myself talking about how the "wife and I" used to (whatever it was the conversation was about), and dammit, exhale.
> 
> I cant wait until the bedroom is a fun place. So many years falling asleep to the sight of my wifes back turned to me.


Def with ya there. Been in this toxic situation so long that I have become accustomed to the relationship and have no idea at this point what a normal one is suppose to be like.

Living your entire life to make someone happy that can never be happy really does a world to you. When you believe that you have cause this unhappiness in some way, when there OWN family tells you otherwise. 

Never being hugged, kissed, touched, in so long, but being told later that I never do it and show love. I FOLLOWED YOU LEAD!

It is not fair, but I swear to you, never again will I allow an empty love.


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## Jellybeans

Shoo, you should get out and practice flirting when you do see an attractive lady or someone who pings your interest. Even if you're not ready, it will help you to practice...to accept your new life


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## proudwidaddy

Today I just can't help but think about all the normalcy of life that I don't have anymore. When you are in a relationship you take for granted all those moments that you never think will end. Watching my wife get dressed in the morning, marveling at how beautiful her naked body looked. Seeing what outfit she was going to wear that day. Getting the hug before going to work, getting the hug and kiss when I got home. Tucking the kids in bed at night, knowing that I was there to protect them. Coming to bed last, seeing how beautiful my wife looked when she slept. You never imagine or think that those moments will be taken away from you. You always think you will have a thousand more of those; never having to just have those exist as memories frozen in time anymore.


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## Catherine602

I have to agree with Jellie.

It is difficult to recover in a vacuum. You have to put yourself out there and make an effort. You will slip up and talk about your ex as your wife but you will learn not to do it. Dating is just that getting to know different women and finding a compatible partner. 

As long as you are honest about where you are emotionally and what you are looking for, you can't go wrong. You will build up comfort and confidence and find the real Shoo that you put away to be able to tolerate the marriage. 

You remember that guy don't you, the you before your marriage? The self confident, principled, loving man? He is still there, he's been shut out by the years of disappointment but he is not gone. 

The only way you are going to be able to pull him back up is to trust him. I think there were warning signs about you wife that you let go. Those warnings were from the confident Shoo before you squashed his voice. 

Trust yourself Shoo. You haven't lost anything you just forgot where to look.


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## SRN

proudwidaddy said:


> Today I just can't help but think about all the normalcy of life that I don't have anymore. When you are in a relationship you take for granted all those moments that you never think will end. Watching my wife get dressed in the morning, marveling at how beautiful her naked body looked. Seeing what outfit she was going to wear that day. Getting the hug before going to work, getting the hug and kiss when I got home. Tucking the kids in bed at night, knowing that I was there to protect them. Coming to bed last, seeing how beautiful my wife looked when she slept. You never imagine or think that those moments will be taken away from you. You always think you will have a thousand more of those; never having to just have those exist as memories frozen in time anymore.


With you 100% (except the kids part). She used to leave before me for work, and every day she'd come in while I was still in bed and jump on the bed for a kiss, say "Love" and head out. It was a great way to wake up each morning.
She did this the morning of the day she dropped the bomb on me. Thats lying b!tch.

You and I have got to move on. Smoke and ashes, man. Smoke and ashes. If you can move out of the place you both lived, move. If not, rearrange everything. Start sleeping in a different rom if you can. Visual queue's are some of the worst for triggering memories. I still have 22 days until I move, and I'm contemplating going and staying with my parents for the duration because being at home is so hard for me.

Get out, do stuff. Distract yourself. As lame as it may be, I signed up for a few dating sites, not because I'm really looking to date right now, but because whenever I start to think about, "Ohhhh... my beautiful wife..." Pop open the app on my phone and surf my "matches". Granted, half of them look to be 300lbs chain smoking trucker mothers of seven, but there are enough that are cute to distract my mind for a moment.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

1. Six years. I win. 
Not.
2. I am dying to kiss a man. My ex and my teen son have girlfriends. Everyone's gettin busy but me. 
3. I am a hot little bundle of sass for 44 years old. I weigh now what I weighed when I got married (118) and besides needing a bit of tone, I can sorta rock a bikini. But my eyes look like elephant ass from crying.


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## OldGirl

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> 1. Six years. I win.
> Not.
> 2. I am dying to kiss a man. My ex and my teen son have girlfriends. Everyone's gettin busy but me.
> 3. I am a hot little bundle of sass for 44 years old. I weigh now what I weighed when I got married (118) and besides needing a bit of tone, I can sorta rock a bikini. But my eyes look like elephant ass from crying.


You might want to skip that last part in your dating profile


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

OldGirl said:


> You might want to skip that last part in your dating profile


i dunno,
sounds kinda hot.
i like the elephant azz look.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

laughin my elephant azz off. Actually, I painted quite a picture, huh? Not that bad. Won't pass for 29, but 35, hell yeah.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

It's Friday night. We should all go get laid. I'll bring the batteries.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> laughin my elephant azz off. Actually, I painted quite a picture, huh? Not that bad. Won't pass for 29, but 35, hell yeah.


hope it made you smile for a second at least.

you seem to have an awesome attitude about yourself and thats good.

keep that attitude and you should have no trouble once youre ready.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> It's Friday night. We should all go get laid. I'll bring the batteries.



i aint puttin those batteries any where


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## uhaul4mybaggage

love your smiley. Stealing.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> love your smiley. Stealing.


my smiley? 
and youre stealing it?
ok


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## uhaul4mybaggage

I actually shook her hand and said "It's nice to meet you." It was either that, or go inside and get a knife. For him, not her. But my kids were there, so I made nice. I only killed them both savagely in my head.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

Her ass can't hear you. Scream at her face.


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## uhaul4mybaggage




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## cryin

I had to edit that post, I'm so tired.. I meant your ex call you honey.


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## cryin

I screamed at her face for a good 6 months  I just thought it was so weird that she called me that as I would-will never say that to her for the rest of my life. The acting like we are friends after everything she has done truly baffles me.


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## uhaul4mybaggage

It doesn't baffle me. He likes his golden image. He has been a real snake, but if he can act charming, hugging my mom, trying to coax a smile out me with his coy humor, then he feels all is forgiven. All better! And I should try harder to forgive. At least that's what I hear. For my own sake. But ... nfw. Not while he continues to screw and hurt me every way he can. Anger keeps me vigilant.


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## cryin

Im not angry anymore, I just think my exw words to me and actions are strange.


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## cryin

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> It doesn't baffle me. He likes his golden image. He has been a real snake, but if he can act charming, hugging my mom, trying to coax a smile out me with his coy humor, then he feels all is forgiven. All better! And I should try harder to forgive. At least that's what I hear. For my own sake. But ... nfw. Not while he continues to screw and hurt me every way he can. Anger keeps me vigilant.


"Erase your EX" coming soon @ your local wall greens

The Drug Metyrapone to Erase Bad Memories? | Psych Central News


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## madaboutlove

My last time with my STBXH was October, 2011 so more than 18 months and I am really feeling the pressure. I was so used to being able to have sex whenever I wanted it. And we were good in the bedroom. Being alone is ok, but not as good as a warm body! Waiting for the D to be finalized in the next month then who knows...


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## Wildflower3

6 months. Self pleasure is rough too because I couldn't do it unless I was thinking of him. Now, it kind of just depresses me. Ugh.


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## madaboutlove

Oh yes, crying and pleasuring all at the same time, I know what you mean


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## nice777guy

For those of us who are officially free - is there something to be said for going out and just getting laid???

Or would we totally not respect ourselves in the morning...?


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> For those of us who are officially free - is there something to be said for going out and just getting laid???
> 
> Or would we totally not respect ourselves in the morning...?


only one way to find out 
only for scientific purposes of course


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## nice777guy

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> only one way to find out
> only for scientific purposes of course


Maybe!!!

In a thread I posted earlier, someone mentioned how their divorced friends had hopped from bed to bed to fill the holes (don't think there was a pun intended...)

I don't miss "her" - but I'm a bit lost at this being single crap!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> Maybe!!!
> 
> In a thread I posted earlier, someone mentioned how their divorced friends had hopped from bed to bed to fill the holes (don't think there was a pun intended...)
> 
> I don't miss "her" - but I'm a bit lost at this being single crap!


first part is funny 

i hear ya on the second part.

seems a pink floyde song cums to mind.


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## nice777guy

I think I chickened out on a couple of opportunities.

I kind of went looking - just to see if I could. And was surprised at how quickly the fish started nibbling at the bait.

And I decided to just be content to go home with the worm (pun Intended).


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## Lon

nice777guy said:


> Maybe!!!
> 
> In a thread I posted earlier, someone mentioned how their divorced friends had hopped from bed to bed to fill the holes (don't think there was a pun intended...)
> 
> I don't miss "her" - but I'm a bit lost at this being single crap!


I went out and found some with a woman on the rebound. We both really enjoyed each other, had great sex, but didn't know where to take the relationship... we both started attaching I think (I know I was) but she was just not the one for me, I think she is a wonderful lady, but has her own issues to work through before I'd ever commit. So ending it was awkward. Then just last night after almost 2 months since we talked she sent me a text out of the blue, with a winky face - I think I know what she wants - sex and companionship, it was actually difficult to not reply to her.


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## nice777guy

Lon said:


> I went out and found some with a woman on the rebound. We both really enjoyed each other, had great sex, but didn't know where to take the relationship... we both started attaching I think (I know I was) but she was just not the one for me, I think she is a wonderful lady, but has her own issues to work through before I'd ever commit. So ending it was awkward. Then just last night after almost 2 months since we talked she sent me a text out of the blue, with a winky face - I think I know what she wants - sex and companionship, it was actually difficult to not reply to her.


That's why I went home with the worm...

I can't imagine trusting someone enough to sleep with them and NOT developing deeper feelings. And I know I'm not ready for any kind of commitment...


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> That's why I went home with the worm...
> 
> I can't imagine trusting someone enough to sleep with them and NOT developing deeper feelings.


same here, dont think i could go for ons or fwb.
there HAS to be something there.


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## nice777guy

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> same here, dont think i could go for ons or fwb.
> there HAS to be something there.


Maybe we're thinking too much...?


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## Lon

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> same here, dont think i could go for ons or fwb.
> there HAS to be something there.


Yeah, what I was looking for was some chemistry and maybe a kind of "fling", not to find a W. the new woman said that's what she wanted too, though she cringed at the word "fling" I didn't mean in a demeaning way, I wasn't looking for just sex or a ONS or to use anyone, just wanted to give and get a little affection with someone in the same boat. My brain doesn't exactly work like that I found out.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> Maybe we're thinking too much...?


anything is possible i suppose .


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## SRN

nice777guy said:


> I can't imagine trusting someone enough to sleep with them and NOT developing deeper feelings.


Ding, ding, ding!

Yeah, I've got the same issue. My divorce was final about two weeks ago and I'm riding the aftershocks like crazy. Some days I feel great and start thinkging about heading out with friends to bars and clubs and see what can happen. Then the next day I'm dredging bottom wondering what happened again. I fear that if I just picked someone up, I'd end up like that scene in _Forgetting Sarah Marshall_ where right after the breakup, Jason Segals character picks up a chick at the bar, takes her home and they have sex and afterwards he has all these flashbacks of times with Sarah and starts crying. I think that would be bad.
That said, I am giving it a go with trying to get some dates. One of the things I miss the most is just having someone to go out with on Firday and Saturday nights.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Suzyque said:


> I realized I wasn't going to "get any."
> 
> I have completely given up on being with someone again.


you dont want to do that just yet, do you?


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## arbitrator

Just over a year here! Think I'm going blind! But I prefer to wait it out until the D is finalized before I even begin to find chemistry with somebody else.


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## madaboutlove

I want someone to tell me I am pretty and want to touch me and just generally be looking forward to spending time with me. I am no dope, I know that dating or dinner or going to the movies is going to end up needing to decide about s*x but maybe I will just let that take care of itself. I like to get dressed up and flirt.


----------



## nice777guy

madaboutlove said:


> I want someone to tell me I am pretty and want to touch me and just generally be looking forward to spending time with me. I am no dope, I know that dating or dinner or going to the movies is going to end up needing to decide about s*x but maybe I will just let that take care of itself. I like to get dressed up and flirt.


Some night I would love to just be close to someone. Wouldn't have to be sex.

A different kind of "ONS" - a One Night Snuggle...


----------



## arbitrator

nice777guy said:


> Some night I would love to just be close to someone. Wouldn't have to be sex.
> 
> A different kind of "ONS" - a One Night Snuggle...


Oh, yeah, I know that feeling all too well! I, too, look very longingly over at that empty side of that king bed of mine that I occupy, fastly wishing that there was someone who was so very warm and loving tucked in there beside me!


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Man, that would be awesome. A snuggle buddy. No STDS, guilt, pregnancy. I am so down with that. Even if my slang is 20 years old.


----------



## Mrlonelyhearts

*sighs
I am relieved to hear that I am not the only one missing the companionship and cuddling.


----------



## SRN

Just coming home and having her run up and hug me and kiss me. I miss that probably more than anything. But looking back, it'd been a rare occurance over the past year or more, so I guess I'm reaching pretty far back into my memories...


----------



## proudwidaddy

SRN,
I totally miss the big hugs that my wife would give me, she was a great hugger. But like you, the last year or so of our marriage it rarely ever happened, and when it did it seemed so fake. The cuddling, the holding hands, just running a finger up and down my arm, God I miss that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45

proudwidaddy said:


> SRN,
> I totally miss the big hugs that my wife would give me, she was a great hugger. But like you, the last year or so of our marriage it rarely ever happened, and when it did it seemed so fake. The cuddling, the holding hands, just running a finger up and down my arm, God I miss that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Which means she was detaching from you and planning the breakup from at least a year before she dropped the bomb. We guys are so blind and gullible aren't we?


----------



## SRN

bandit.45 said:


> Which means she was detaching from you and planning the breakup from at least a year before she dropped the bomb. We guys are so blind and gullible aren't we?


We are, arent we? And the worst part is it all comes down to communication, verbal and non-verbal. If men and women were required to read something like _Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus_ prior to taking the plunge, I think we'd all be better off. Because its almost always the stupid little things that get blown way out of proportion that could easily be adressed if we just knew.


----------



## Lon

bandit.45 said:


> Which means she was detaching from you and planning the breakup from at least a year before she dropped the bomb. We guys are so blind and gullible aren't we?


I agree with the word detaching, and at some level (conscious or unconcious) they were mentally preparing for the breakup however I don't think it necesasrily means they were "planning" their exit, nor does it mean they were even aware they were doing it. So its not quite right to say we're blind and gullible, they were just unfaithful and misleading.


----------



## bandit.45

I get the feeling that, at least in Proud's case, that his wife had it all planned out to a T. She even had her prospective boyfriends lined up to come in right behind him. ****ty woman.


----------



## SRN

bandit.45 said:


> I get the feeling that, at least in Proud's case, that his wife had it all planned out to a T. She even had her prospective boyfriends lined up to come in right behind him. ****ty woman.


This is how I feel about my ex-wife. Makes sense, she was a meticulous person. She already had all our stuff split up on paper by room as to what was hers and what was mine down to pictures on the wall and magnets on the fridge. Mind blowing.


----------



## Lon

bandit.45 said:


> I get the feeling that, at least in Proud's case, that his wife had it all planned out to a T. She even had her prospective boyfriends lined up to come in right behind him. ****ty woman.


yeah without going back to read his story I think I do remember Proud's was particularly nasty about her ruthless behavior. It amazes me how cold, calculated and cruel these people we loved so dearly can be... I was possibly projecting my own experience onto this thread - I don't think my ex was as "calculating" about hers she just completely gave in to her feelings with only enough rational thought to be able to keep up with the same old script.


----------



## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> We guys are so blind and gullible aren't we?


Bandito: Truer words were never spoken, kind Sir! And if you don't really believe that, then just take a good look at me! Just too damn trusting!


----------



## bandit.45

Lon said:


> yeah without going back to read his story I think I do remember Proud's was particularly nasty about her ruthless behavior. It amazes me how cold, calculated and cruel these people we loved so dearly can be... I was possibly projecting my own experience onto this thread - I don't think my ex was as "calculating" about hers she just completely gave in to her feelings with only enough rational thought to be able to keep up with the same old script.


They can be this way because they make the conscious decision to emotionally detach, while at the same time putting on the wifey act and stringing us along. Now, I should say that wayward husbands do this too. Women, however, seem to have a special knack for it.


----------



## proudwidaddy

Bandit....I agree with your assessment regarding my wife. I think she had her exit plan in place, she was just using me to get stronger. Let the other men have her, realize she is not the "jewel" she thinks she is. I don't need that, nor want that toxic crap in my life anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

bandit.45 said:


> Now, I should say that wayward husbands do this too. Women, however, seem to have a special knack for it.


Being on this site so much over the last few years - and going through my wife's serial EA's and "whatever" - has totally changed how I see women.

I thought in part that because she was a wife and a mother - that she would have some "instinct" to protect the marriage - not destroy it!

I thought Men were primarily the selfish pigs - more likely to get caught up in a moment and do something stupid.

As a result of my flawed way of seeing the world, I ignored a lot of red "freaking" flags. Won't happen next time!!!


----------



## bandit.45

proudwidaddy said:


> Bandit....I agree with your assessment regarding my wife. I think she had her exit plan in place, she was just using me to get stronger. Let the other men have her, realize she is not the "jewel" she thinks she is. I don't need that, nor want that toxic crap in my life anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But understand that it may take years for her to come to that realization. Women like your wife, who choose to go down this path, invariably attract dirtbags of the lowest sort. 

In the meantime, you need to protect your kids if she heads down a road that might bring them into harm's way. Don't be afraid to lawyer up and fight for sole custody if she gets herself in a bad situation with the wrong kind of guy.


----------



## Lon

bandit.45 said:


> They can be this way because they make the conscious decision to emotionally detach, while at the same time putting on the wifey act and stringing us along. Now, I should say that wayward husbands do this too. Women, however, seem to have a special knack for it.


Agreed.

I think I was just trying to point out that in addition to these b!tches sometimes the decision to detach is an unconscious one. And I agree some women seem especially gifted at being heartless and selfish, can seem perfectly happy to get by in the world by using others, without a shred of integrity.


----------



## nice777guy

Lon said:


> And I agree some women seem especially gifted at being heartless and selfish, can seem perfectly happy to get by in the world by using others, without a shred of integrity.


:iagree:

Waiting for a woman to come along and accuse us of bashing.

But my Ex was and is still very good at using people. She has a lot of charm and she knows how to use it - and she's not afraid to ask for anything she wants and throw a fit if she doesn't get it.

I keep waiting on that Karma bus to run her over - but it hasn't happened yet! Personality can go a long way for some people.


----------



## SRN

nice777guy said:


> I keep waiting on that Karma bus to run her over - but it hasn't happened yet! Personality can go a long way for some people.


In reality, we need to stop caring. Wishing our ex's ill isn't healthy for us. Its taking up too much bandwidth in our heads.
They chose to live a life without us, we didn't get a choice in that matter. But, we get a choice in what we do next. We can choose to waste thoughts on wishing her ill, or we could turn that energy into something constructive.


----------



## bandit.45

SRN said:


> In reality, we need to stop caring. Wishing our ex's ill isn't healthy for us. Its taking up too much bandwidth in our heads.
> They chose to live a life without us, we didn't get a choice in that matter. But, we get a choice in what we do next. We can choose to waste thoughts on wishing her ill, or we could turn that energy into something constructive.


This is the mindset androad to healing. You nailed it. Now practicing it? Thats the hard part. It takes all my energy _not_ to wish my STBXW ill will.


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Plan to have a couple of drinks and take advantage of myself later tonight.
> 
> Unless I have another darn headache!!!


Lush!


----------



## angelpixie

OK, I'd be the one to accuse you of woman bashing, because in my case, it was STBX*H* who was heartless and manipulative. But he's also got a pretty disordered personality and is a little on the hysterical side. So, I guess I can't say that's altogether 'manly.' 

And as for 'how long since?' 13 months for me. I think I'm finally ready to start dating. My IC is trying to help me work on how I feel about sex and commitment, since I had 'waited' til STBXH and I had been engaged for a while, and he's the only person I've been with. So much for being 'respectable.' I'm not ready to stake my sex life on whether or not I get married again. If I do, I still believe in monogamy and I'll be faithful to him. But I miss being in a physical relationship -- the kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. STBXH used to be very affectionate -- well, to me -- he still is with the new GF, as I got to see for the first time this weekend. I never thought I'd get through that (been dreading it since the split), but seeing it didn't make me feel bad. I know they're both really messed up people. But it made me feel bad about what I felt I was missing in my life and I realized I didn't need him to have it.


----------



## angelpixie

bandit.45 said:


> I get the feeling that, at least in Proud's case, that his wife had it all planned out to a T. She even had her prospective boyfriends lined up to come in right behind him. ****ty woman.


I know that's what STBXH did to me. He's totally dependent emotionally. He didn't make the final speech til he knew he had back-ups ready to go. Was in EA #6 at the time, and that's who he's gone PA with now. It's the personality, not _necessarily_ the gender.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

I saw (on tv, maybe?) a few years ago some weird "club" of girls and metrosexual type guys who got together just to sleep in a pile. Like puppies. I thought it was mighty weird. And you could definitely get some cooties. But some nights it just sounds so good. I miss sleeping in a ball with my kids when they were tiny. Not so tiny anymore. Somehow, though, I just don't think an adult PJ party would keep to its original theme.


----------



## cryin

All of the ex's that everyone speaks of around here male & female have personality disorders of one kind or another. I am not bashing, but its a fact that 75% of all people diagnosed with borderline personality disorders are women. One of the key indicators for the disorder is they will idealize a person and then at some point switch to devaluation of that person. They do so like a switch was flipped. They also become narcissistic when they are on the defensive. 

They typically latch onto people in relationships and things move very quickly. Its a big sign of BPD.

The idealization to devaluation is what seems to have happened to so many here on TAM. I think most if not all of the ex's are repeating the same pattern.. Its actually really sad. The new guy-gal that they divorced you, me, us, for will one day become devalued as well and it will end. 

Craziness everywhere it seems.


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I'm not ready to stake my sex life on whether or not I get married again.


Aye - there's the rub (pun intended).

Not just whether or not - but when!!!

So - you either "go out and get some" or you sit around...

....

....


.....

.....

waiting...and wondering...all alone...

Sorry - being a bit dramatic - but I truly can't see myself in a serious relationship soon. But I'm also really hoping I haven't had sex with another person for the last time EVER.

Ugh...


----------



## nice777guy

SRN said:


> In reality, we need to stop caring. Wishing our ex's ill isn't healthy for us. Its taking up too much bandwidth in our heads.
> They chose to live a life without us, we didn't get a choice in that matter. But, we get a choice in what we do next. We can choose to waste thoughts on wishing her ill, or we could turn that energy into something constructive.


I normally do alright. My main strategy is "out of sight, out of mind." And I also want her to be a healthy, happy person for our children.

Just a few things going on this week that have reminded just how lucky she is.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

cryin said:


> All of the ex's that everyone speaks of around here male & female have personality disorders of one kind or another. I am not bashing, but its a fact that 75% of all people diagnosed with borderline personality disorders are women. One of the key indicators for the disorder is they will idealize a person and then at some point switch to devaluation of that person. They do so like a switch was flipped. They also become narcissistic when they are on the defensive.
> 
> They typically latch onto people in relationships and things move very quickly. Its a big sign of BPD.
> 
> The idealization to devaluation is what seems to have happened to so many here on TAM. I think most if not all of the ex's are repeating the same pattern.. Its actually really sad. The new guy-gal that they divorced you, me, us, for will one day become devalued as well and it will end.
> 
> Craziness everywhere it seems.


Yes, indeedy. But a lot more men physically abuse and/or commit other violent crimes including murder against women (especially women they are involved with), so I guess there is lots of crazy to go around.


----------



## bandit.45

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Yes, indeedy. But a lot more men physically abuse and/or commit other violent crimes including murder against women (especially women they are involved with), so I guess there is lots of crazy to go around.


True. When men go off we go off like bombs. Female sociopaths are alot more cunning and subversive though. Don't you think?


----------



## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> But I'm also really hoping I haven't had sex with another person for the last time EVER.
> 
> Ugh...


I hear you. There have been times that I wondered if I'd known that our last time would indeed be the last time, would I have been different? It's such a losing train of thought. If I believe what he tells me now, the last few years of our (I thought good) sex life was actually based on his false words of love and commitment. Or is he in a MLC-induced fog, and is feeding me a line of B.S. now? 
All I know is that I don't want my last time having sex with someone else to be with someone who devalued me so much. I need to have good memories to erase the traumatic ones of being used and lied to. I still absolutely cannot think of us together or I'll go into a near panic attack. 

I think I really just want to make my own informed choice of who I want to have sex with, and under what circumstances. Even if it's not anything more than a FWB, it will be that way because that's what I choose at that time. (Gee, can you tell I just got back from my support group meeting, LOL?)


----------



## proudwidaddy

Angelpixie....I've often had those thoughts too of if I knew that "this" was my last time with my ex wife (in terms of sex) I would've slowed down more, made it last all night long. I'm 34, so I hope to god that I have sex again. I realize that I will have sex with women that are worse in bed than my ex, and hopefully have sex with women that are better in bed than my wife. Unfortunately it's tough because I've never been comfortable with the thought of a One Night Stand, I always have too much emotions connected with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I hear you. There have been times that I wondered if I'd known that our last time would indeed be the last time, would I have been different? It's such a losing train of thought. If I believe what he tells me now, the last few years of our (I thought good) sex life was actually based on his false words of love and commitment. Or is he in a MLC-induced fog, and is feeding me a line of B.S. now?
> All I know is that I don't want my last time having sex with someone else to be with someone who devalued me so much. I need to have good memories to erase the traumatic ones of being used and lied to. I still absolutely cannot think of us together or I'll go into a near panic attack.
> 
> I think I really just want to make my own informed choice of who I want to have sex with, and under what circumstances. Even if it's not anything more than a FWB, it will be that way because that's what I choose at that time. (Gee, can you tell I just got back from my support group meeting, LOL?)


That whole "I Choose" thing sounds pretty good to me. Especially during a week were I feel like everyone is deciding my life except for me.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

Hang in there Nice Guy.


----------



## nice777guy

uhaul4mybaggage said:


> Hang in there Nice Guy.


Not like I have a choice!!!

But thanks...

And you too - all of you...


----------



## Dollystanford

I don't think for a minute that the last time I sex with stbxh is the last time I'll have sex ever, god that would be depressing

but I'm not certainly not looking for anything right now, despite the fact that he has already got some other chick (whether he had her before he walked out I don't know or care) and actually said to me yesterday 'well I didn't leave you to go and join a monastery' 

WTF? I thought you might have let the bed get cold though ha ha


----------



## proudwidaddy

Dolly,
The whole being left behind thing is a big ego deflator. I've experienced it too. You think that you were so good with this person, that your spouse would not be able to go out and be with someone else, because they would be so devastated by not having you. And when you don't see that, when you see them going through life with a smile on your face, you start to think (or I start to think rather) Wait a damn minute! Wasn't I good enough for you to be sad about? Why are you so happy, why are you so able to go on with your normal daily functions.

It sucks, no other way around it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dollystanford

thing is I don't feel like that really - when I realised he had another woman in his flat and that's why he was happy to let me and D walk three miles home rather than jump in the car and drop us home it didn't affect me at all on that level, I just thought 'god I hope she can cope with your snoring'

the reason I was annoyed is because it's quite difficult to make a child understand that her dad has already got someone else 

he's always been a totally selfish narcissist but a 15 year old doesn't really understand that

he's done me the biggest favour ever and I recognised that fairly early on - we were both miserable but I would never have cheated so could potentially have been unhappy for the rest of my life

not now though


----------



## SRN

One of the biggest ego deflators for me is thinking, "God, was I that bad in bed that you had to go seek out someone else?" I know thats not true, but clearly since she had an affair, she wasn't completely satisfied sexually. And that just stings.


----------



## jenny123

Dollystanford said:


> he's done me the biggest favour ever and I recognised that fairly early on - we were both miserable but I would never have cheated so could potentially have been unhappy for the rest of my life
> 
> not now though


I wish I can get to this point of thinking and stick with it. I'm not sure if I'm so depressed because of the rejection(how can he do this to me?), or am I really grieving over HIM? I did love him, but not so sure if we were deeply in love. After so many years together you just get comfortable. People are telling me he is doing me a huge favor by leaving, but it's still so hard. I never really liked Valentines Day.....hmmm now I'm wondering why.


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone

nice777guy said:


> Some night I would love to just be close to someone. Wouldn't have to be sex.
> 
> A different kind of "ONS" - a One Night Snuggle...


My W and I rarely went more than a couple of days without sex for our entire 24 years together ( with the exception of pregnancy issues)Now it's been almost 9 months for me and it's the closeness I miss the most.... badly. 

I had a woman I'd worked with in our local theater give me a full body hug at our Wrap party, the first time another woman's been that close to me since last July. She whispered I was the "best" and "would not be on the market long". I damn near broke down right there and had to leave the room.


----------



## Jellybeans

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> I had a woman I'd worked with in our local theater give me a full body hug at our Wrap party, the first time another woman's been that close to me since last July. She whispered I was the "best" and "would not be on the market long". I damn near broke down right there and had to leave the room.



How did the hug feel? Were you happy? Sad?


----------



## Dollystanford

people keep saying 'oh you'll be snatched up'!

I don't wanna be thanks, I want to be on my own for a bit - I was always quite independent and yet totally changed for this man who thought so little of me that he was scouring the internet for other women

will take me a long time to want to be with someone else...


----------



## allthegoodnamesaregone

Jellybeans said:


> How did the hug feel? Were you happy? Sad?


I hug felt great. it wasn't one of those "How are you" hugs, it was heartfelt. She knew what I've been through. It made me feel even more of what I had missed, just the simple affectionate things W and I had done for most of our marriage. Took me about two days to recover.


----------



## Mtts

nice777guy said:


> Maybe!!!
> 
> In a thread I posted earlier, someone mentioned how their divorced friends had hopped from bed to bed to fill the holes (don't think there was a pun intended...)
> 
> I don't miss "her" - but I'm a bit lost at this being single crap!


I will say what I said in another similar thread. Although temporarily gratifying I will warn that hopping bed to bed will only give you so much. I wouldn't be alright with it but it's a different persepctive and I don't view freedom and sexual intimacy one and the same. 

Marriage wasn't just about sex for me and being currently in the middle of divorce doesn't make me want to go out and be "active." It sounds great in theory but I think in practice you'll find it doesn't hold the same appeal. For some it may, but true happiness doesn't come from this.


----------



## Mtts

SRN said:


> One of the biggest ego deflators for me is thinking, "God, was I that bad in bed that you had to go seek out someone else?" I know thats not true, but clearly since she had an affair, she wasn't completely satisfied sexually. And that just stings.


SRN I don't think it to be that she wasn't satisifed with you. That is a problem within her own emotional and mental state. She had issues and acted out. It wasn't that you weren't compatible, she chose to destroy that bond. You can't let yourself feel like it was you.

A lot of people think that "experience" will make it better all the way around. You can do that with one person doesn't need to be multiple people. Unfortunately social perception is that the marriage unity is dated and we should all be out exploring everything in sight. Don't feel like you were bad, think about it as your ex being too naive and immature to understand what you had. 

You'll find someone interested in you and you'll be enough. Bet on it!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It's been since March 1, my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage on March 4. Of course I've had snuggling and kisses and hugs and 'verbage' and given him back and foot rubs. 

How I cope is ummmm masturbation which we discreetly refer to as 'thinking about you, in bed, where it is better' (there is a joke amongst nurses that in males, that is the first thing to come back...) and ballroom/Latin dancing. Preferably with really 'simpatico' friends, in dance class, sometimes that's even with a woman. It doesn't matter, really, the human connection you get from hugs with friends or dancing with friends is enough to take the edge off. I think sexual desire is really a manifestation of a need for connection. I have a pretty good memory too. But in my case, it wasn't the end of a love connection, it was just an interruption, maybe it will be the end, but I don't see it that way. I am still connected, so 'thinking' suffices when I need it, usually remembering what he said about it, and me.


----------



## nice777guy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's been since March 1, my boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage on March 4. Of course I've had snuggling and kisses and hugs and 'verbage' and given him back and foot rubs.
> 
> How I cope is ummmm masturbation which we discreetly refer to as 'thinking about you, in bed, where it is better' (there is a joke amongst nurses that in males, that is the first thing to come back...) and ballroom/Latin dancing. Preferably with really 'simpatico' friends, in dance class, sometimes that's even with a woman. It doesn't matter, really, the human connection you get from hugs with friends or dancing with friends is enough to take the edge off. I think sexual desire is really a manifestation of a need for connection. I have a pretty good memory too. But in my case, it wasn't the end of a love connection, it was just an interruption, maybe it will be the end, but I don't see it that way. I am still connected, so 'thinking' suffices when I need it, usually remembering what he said about it, and me.


How did I miss your story? Makes me feel bad for complaining about my own situation.

That's really awesome that you are remaining faithful to him. As you can see from other parts of this site, it doesn't take much sometimes for people to find an excuse and go outside of the marriage.


----------



## nice777guy

Mtts said:


> I will say what I said in another similar thread. Although temporarily gratifying I will warn that hopping bed to bed will only give you so much. I wouldn't be alright with it but it's a different persepctive and I don't view freedom and sexual intimacy one and the same.
> 
> Marriage wasn't just about sex for me and being currently in the middle of divorce doesn't make me want to go out and be "active." It sounds great in theory but I think in practice you'll find it doesn't hold the same appeal. For some it may, but true happiness doesn't come from this.


I didn't start thinking this way - really - until the divorce was final. I would prefer to have an emotional connection to the next person I'm with. But the one thing I know is that I'm not ready to make a grand commitment to anyone outside of myself and my children.

And also - to be clear - I don't think I would make casual sex a habit of any kind. But I'd be a damn bold faced liar if I said I wouldn't love to be physical with someone again - soon...


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

nice777guy said:


> How did I miss your story? Makes me feel bad for complaining about my own situation.
> 
> That's really awesome that you are remaining faithful to him. As you can see from other parts of this site, it doesn't take much sometimes for people to find an excuse and go outside of the marriage.


This part of the story is under something about communication (being direct, never mind aobut body language...lol) and also under dealing with grief and live after divorce.

Before that my story was different, but I met my guy at ballroom dance, he kind of sidled up to me in a very non-threatening sweet honest way and I fell for him. We had the kind of closeness and affection and love that people see and remember. 

He's well worth the wait. I'll wait years if I have to, no problem. But knowing him, he will break all the records to get back to me.

I am treating my 'trials' as a spiritual journey and a way to improve my spiritual strength and to forge my beliefs into action. It has made a world of difference. There have been challenges and unfortunately his sister has been overtly and consistently abusive to me. This has limited the amount of time I can see him because of mental health concerns, I've had a few anxiety attacks after bearing her abuse. I am Quaker so to fight back is not my nature, we believe that is not the way to resolve an issue, it only makes things worse in some way, to participate in creating a negative space is not the right path in any situation. So I stay where my light can be the brightest and don't allow circumstances to frame where it can shine, I feed our connection by taking the best care of myself spiritually.


----------



## nice777guy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> This part of the story is under something about communication (being direct, never mind aobut body language...lol) and also under dealing with grief and live after divorce.
> 
> Before that my story was different, but I met my guy at ballroom dance, he kind of sidled up to me in a very non-threatening sweet honest way and I fell for him. We had the kind of closeness and affection and love that people see and remember.
> 
> He's well worth the wait. I'll wait years if I have to, no problem. But knowing him, he will break all the records to get back to me.
> 
> I am treating my 'trials' as a spiritual journey and a way to improve my spiritual strength and to forge my beliefs into action. It has made a world of difference. There have been challenges and unfortunately his sister has been overtly and consistently abusive to me. This has limited the amount of time I can see him because of mental health concerns, I've had a few anxiety attacks after bearing her abuse. I am Quaker so to fight back is not my nature, we believe that is not the way to resolve an issue, it only makes things worse in some way, to participate in creating a negative space is not the right path in any situation. So I stay where my light can be the brightest and don't allow circumstances to frame where it can shine, I feed our connection by taking the best care of myself spiritually.


Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing!!!


----------



## Wildflower3

So it's been 6 months separated and I thought I'd never find anyone else attractive or anyone who has potential. Anyway, was at a bar tonight catching up with a close friend and found someone who tickled my fancy. Never made contact because I'm clearly not ready, but it did give me hope that I'd be interested in someone other than my STBXH again. Boy, 6 months of self pleasure simply isn't enough...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

Wildflower3 said:


> So it's been 6 months separated and I thought I'd never find anyone else attractive or anyone who has potential. Anyway, was at a bar tonight catching up with a close friend and found someone who tickled my fancy. Never made contact because I'm clearly not ready, but it did give me hope that I'd be interested in someone other than my STBXH again. Boy, 6 months of self pleasure simply isn't enough...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like a good start...!


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

nice777guy said:


> Very inspiring. Thank you for sharing!!!


You're very welcome. I was propositioned last evening as after a play I went for coffee and spicy fries in our small home town, and sat outside in public on a bench with a student's father and had conversation for about an hour. I'd been really up front with my situation, but he said at the end, sorry, he wanted me and didn't mind saying so. I think he felt it was okay to say that because I'd refuse, lol. Turns out the guy is a treasure hunter by trade and made an offer to set me up doing some work in my town, which is historically 'rich' (as in figurative and literally). 

I didn't want to censor myself out of having a conversation, I like to meet people and talk to them. I'm very open-minded about where any particular day will take me. I'd gone to the play alone, in the course of our conversation I said I wasn't going to pretend I had somewhere better to go than where I was...trying to explain to him Quaker philosophy is based on essential truths. 

Fact is I have a lot of guy friends but they know I won't be interested in them, and it allows them to show their affection and interest, which is really nice, to know one is wanted, affectionately and physically...they know I will pick waiting for my guy. 

The situation of being in control and knowing I am wanted in a physical (but emotionally connected) way makes me wonder if people were more comfortable and confident in their sexuality and knew that they were in the driver's seat in terms of what happens in any given relationship, whether the desperation for physical connection would be diminished and replaced by something more of a comfortable awareness and expression in other physical terms such as hugs, hand holding, cozying up over someone's work in a bookshop, going to the movies, sharing meals together...

I think sex is used as some ultimate panacea/cure for the need for affirmation in a society...the trouble is you cannot do it wherever and whenever, whereas these other forms of connection are freely available and with multiple partners, each of whom might feed a different part of the your emotional and spiritual loose ends. My guy and I were in agreement about the need for our friends, of all genders and persuasions, and also about our need for time alone to feed our souls. Being together was not a 'sure thing' but a continued choice.


----------



## OldGirl

Sorry this is off topic (way off) Homemaker, but were you raised Quaker or is it something you took on as an adult? Just curious.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OldGirl said:


> Sorry this is off topic (way off) Homemaker, but were you raised Quaker or is it something you took on as an adult? Just curious.


My paternal grandmother was a Whittier, so there was always a Quaker influence in my life via my father and some of his relatives. They were from the Newburyport, MA area (John Greenleaf is in my family tree, not too distant, although he had no known descendants...) and also from the Canaan/Grantham/Enflield area of NH, I live close by now, a matter of chance I suppose...or just an inclination and feeling of comfort from being in this area. My grandmother was born in Grantham. 

When I was a child, my father went to Congregational Church. Our town did not have a Quaker Meeting. However when my father was in charge of family outings and decisions, we lived simply, raised berries and fruit on our property, did not have television for the longest time, and spent entire summers camping in the White Mountains. We also took the time to visit and sit with people who were significant or whom my father felt compelled to visit and to have a kinship with. We ate simply, did a lot of hiking, my father took care of the land upon which we lived. I was allowed as a child to make a lot of my own decisions and to spend a lot of time with adults who showed an interest in me, and also a lot of time on my own in our woods. My father always took the time to just 'be' with me, and showed a great deal of empathy and understanding when I was hurt. It was unfortunate that he married my mother, she did not have a good understanding of the individual spiritual strength necessary to live this kind of lifestyle. Her stepmother had warned her that my father was not for her, that she would not thrive in such a marriage, but it happened anyways. I think she must have misrepresented herself as a child I can always remember our family hikes being slowed down or the peace interrupted by my mother's complaints. She would agree to these outings, and then never enjoy them. She was into showy displays and socialization for the sake of gaining status. Any talent I showed as a child whether beauty or musical she would try to turn into some kind of monetary endeavor such as modeling or being destined to become a child pianist. I could read at age 2 and spoke French very well, was always being asked to put on a show. To be honest, I have a memory of being taken away from my real mother and this woman I call my mother appeared first in the front seat next to my father who was driving a car away from NYC to the suburbs in CT, this woman was telling me to stop crying, that there was going to be a party, new clothes, etc. I believe that my real mother was Cuban, she returned there, when I was 10 my father became determined to obtain a job in the Caribbean, where he had been stationed during the Korean War. There were photos of my real mother amongst his slides, after his death my mother confiscated his slides (photo negatives) and said that because I was a minor (17) my inheritance was hers to do with as she saw fit. My father's attorney supported me until I was 18, and only afterward closed the estate. This mother of mine abandoned me about 5 times during my childhood, when she was left in charge of me she would take off to do things with her friend, and leave me with my brothers, who abused me. She knew about this but covered it up. Even if she did turn out to be my 'real' mother, she is not. 

Anyway, that's my history. It's Quaker, but a Quaker does not need a meeting in order to be a Quaker. I go to Quaker meeting because I AM a Quaker, I am not a Quaker because I choose to go to Quaker meeting and to label myself as such. Being a Quaker is being myself, you do not 'become' anything, you are who you are, and when you are, you find a meeting, if not a formal one, then a meeting nevertheless. If is a simple concept yet difficult to explain to people who have a need for doctrine in order to explain themselves (to others, or to themselves, in order to feel safe and secure inside of doctrine...being a Quaker is to feel safe and secure in one's own truth.)

Yikes, I hope that explains things.


----------



## OldGirl

Thanks Homemaker, very interesting


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

OldGirl said:


> Thanks Homemaker, very interesting


You're welcome.
There's no way to get through life except by participating.
It's better to participate in a way that reduces suffering.
One's own and others.
The way I see it, why did we get one person to take on all of our suffering, if only to continue to suffer? Doesn't add up.
I know my guy is suffering, but it is a pitfall and erroneous thinking to think that because a loved one is suffering, that we must suffer too. Of course, I suffer from not being with him, but I cannot do his suffering for him and vice versa. The best we can do is to maintain a spiritual connection, and you can't do that very well if you are taking on suffering that doesn't belong to you. It's too much of a burden. Instead, you can do small things to ease other's suffering. We went to visit his old roommate in the hospital when my daughter had an appt. He was so touched to have visitors just for him, that he cried. That's what I mean. This morning too I was inspired to speak about something that occurred to me, it turned out it was something that the woman sitting next to me needed to hear. She didn't even interpret it in the way I meant it, and that was okay. That's how things are sometimes, you say something to mean it one way, but in their need, people interpret it another way, that's the trust you have to have with an audience, you give them something, it's theirs to do with as they see fit. Words are gifts. You can't control them after they're given.


----------



## Catherine602

cryin said:


> All of the ex's that everyone speaks of around here male & female have personality disorders of one kind or another. I am not bashing, but its a fact that 75% of all people diagnosed with borderline personality disorders are women. One of the key indicators for the disorder is they will idealize a person and then at some point switch to devaluation of that person. They do so like a switch was flipped. They also become narcissistic when they are on the defensive.
> 
> They typically latch onto people in relationships and things move very quickly. Its a big sign of BPD.
> 
> The idealization to devaluation is what seems to have happened to so many here on TAM. I think most if not all of the ex's are repeating the same pattern.. Its actually really sad. The new guy-gal that they divorced you, me, us, for will one day become devalued as well and it will end.
> 
> Craziness everywhere it seems.


Narcissistic personality disorder and sociopaths/psychopaths are overwhelmingly male. In addition, murder, rapes, pedophilia and domestic violence are crimes committed almost exclusively by men. 

That's not bashing, that's the facts. No gender has the corner on goodness or evil. If you look at the numbers, women are much less violent than men because they are physically weaker. They use manipulation instead.


----------



## cryin

Catherine602 said:


> Narcissistic personality disorder and sociopaths/psychopaths are overwhelmingly male. In addition, murder, rapes, pedophilia and domestic violence are crimes committed almost exclusively by men.
> 
> That's not bashing, that's the facts. No gender has the corner on goodness or evil. If you look at the numbers, women are much less violent than men because they are physically weaker. They use manipulation instead.


BPD & Narcissism are all forms of sociopathy. BPD & Narcissism do cross over in traits with one another. I never said anyone had the corner on goodness. What you call "manipulation" is in reality abuse. Its psychological and emotional abuse of which the affects are lifelong lasting. It's no different than what you calling violent. Emotional- psychological abuse is just as violent as physical hitting except its hitting someones emotional and mental well being. The core of who they are as a human being. Just ask any adult that grew up with a parent that is a BPD and how it affected them.

also women are catching up with men on being narcissistic and will most likely surpass men if things don't change. Culture is breeding it. Here are a few links to articles, but there is a lot more info out there if you were inclined. 

Is there an epidemic of narcissism today? | Psychology Today

"The increase in narcissism was stronger for women than for men in both datasets. Men are still more narcissistic than women on average, but women are catching up fast. This makes some sense, as a lot of the cultural push toward narcissism (see below) has a bigger effect on girls and women."

The ego epidemic and how more and more of us have an inflated sense of our own fabulousness | Mail Online


----------



## Catherine602

Yes women are catching up with men in many areas. Women will not surpass men in the realm of psychopathy. That would mean women are inherently flawed compared to men and that of course is not true. 

You used some mental gymnastic to arrive at your conclusion about physical violence being equivalent to manipulation. It is most certainly not. It is not even close in my book. 

Men and woman can be very bad and cruel. That about sums up the evil. Where it is found, stamp it out - the gender of the perpetrator is not material.


----------



## cryin

Catherine602 said:


> Yes women are catching up with men in many areas. Women will not surpass men in the realm of psychopathy. That would mean women are inherently flawed compared to men and that of course is not true.
> 
> You used some mental gymnastic to arrive at your conclusion about physical violence being equivalent to manipulation. It is most certainly not. It is not even close in my book.
> 
> Men and woman can be very bad and cruel. That about sums up the evil. Where it is found, stamp it out - the gender of the perpetrator is not material.


Your correct, gender doesn't matter and there aren't any mental gymnastics regarding ABUSE. You may want to call it manipulation but it is way more than manipulation..... 

We were discussing BPD & Narcissism. When discussing BPD & Narcissism it is ABUSE. They are emotionally and psychologically abusive on the people around them. Abuse is abuse no matter how you paint it or what you call it. BPD people just bash their victims skulls in from an emotional and psychological standpoint and not with their hands.


----------



## Catherine602

cryin said:


> Your correct, gender doesn't matter and there aren't any mental gymnastics regarding ABUSE. You may want to call it manipulation but it is way more than manipulation.....
> 
> We were discussing BPD & Narcissism. When discussing BPD & Narcissism it is ABUSE. They are emotionally and psychologically abusive on the people around them. Abuse is abuse no matter how you paint it or what you call it. BPD people just bash their victims skulls in from an emotional and psychological standpoint and not with their hands.


You are trying to pin me with something you yourself said. I would not want to own it either but, you said it not me. You made reference to manipulation being the equivalent of physical violence. 

The gist of your post was that women being manipulative was equivalent to male physical violence. I disagreed. 

If you are trying to make the point that women are capable of just as much evil as men then, I agree. But much of evil has been gender specific and will likely remain so to some degree. That does not mean that one kind of evil is worse than another, just different.


----------



## cryin

Again the topic was BPD & Narcissism.Manipulation is one facet of many that comes along with a Borderline personality disorder. 

Again: abuse is abuse and if you take offense that 75% of all people diagnosed with BPD are women well then i don't know what to tell you. The reply was to the men on the thread that have seemingly had first hand experience with the like and were waiting to be accused of bashing the opposite sex.

The affects of psychological & emotional abuse from a BPD-narcissistic individual are long lasting and are just as bad as physical abuse.

There is a reason why its called "narcissistic abuse"


----------



## nice777guy

Actually - the topic was about how long it's been since we've had sex!

Men don't hit women. Period. Golden rule.

Living with a narcissist or someone with a severe personality disorder can be hell.

We don't have to decide if one is worse than the other. In both cases - its no way to live.

So - when was the last time either of you had sex?


----------



## cryin

nice777guy said:


> Actually - the topic was about how long it's been since we've had sex!
> 
> Men don't hit women. Period. Golden rule.
> 
> Living with a narcissist or someone with a severe personality disorder can be hell.
> 
> We don't have to decide if one is worse than the other. In both cases - its no way to live.
> 
> So - when was the last time either of you had sex?


Nobody hits anyone! period.

Living with a severe personality disorder is living with abuse.

I Was never trying to say one is worse than another. They're both equally bad in every regard.

Sex... Too long


----------



## nice777guy

cryin said:


> Nobody hits anyone! period.
> 
> Living with a severe personality disorder is living with abuse.
> 
> I Was never trying to say one is worse than another. They're both equally bad in every regard.
> 
> Sex... Too long


That's the spirit!!!

Equal, but different. Seemed to me like you guys weren't kind of caught in a semantics argument as much as anything else - just trying to get the other to understand your point.

Or - it could have been sexual tension! But probably not!


----------



## proudwidaddy

I had a woman accidentally brush up against me today at Starbuck's, its beem awhile, does that count as any sort of sexual interaction? Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

proudwidaddy said:


> I had a woman accidentally brush up against me today at Starbuck's, its beem awhile, does that count as any sort of sexual interaction? Lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bragger!!! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

Proud... You totally need to get laid if a brush-past at Starbucks is counting as sexual interaction. LOL.


----------



## remmons

16 months and counting.


----------



## julia71

Let's see... not often before we split... none for a few months then a couple times over a couple weeks, then none again for a couple months, then we split... Then another 6 months after we split. Now I'm dating a guy and we get together every week to two weeks - and when that happens - it is sooooo good!!! Better than what was going on in my marriage! THANK GOD I MET HIM!!!!! 

The toys were helpful, don't get me wrong... but it's SO MUCH BETTER with a REAL GUY! :smthumbup:


----------



## nice777guy

julia71 said:


> Let's see... not often before we split... none for a few months then a couple times over a couple weeks, then none again for a couple months, then we split... Then another 6 months after we split. Now I'm dating a guy and we get together every week to two weeks - and when that happens - it is sooooo good!!! Better than what was going on in my marriage! THANK GOD I MET HIM!!!!!
> 
> The toys were helpful, don't get me wrong... but it's SO MUCH BETTER with a REAL GUY! :smthumbup:


Do you mind me asking - are you actually dating? Or just getting together every couple of weeks?


----------



## Lon

nice777guy said:


> Do you mind me asking - are you actually dating? Or just getting together every couple of weeks?


Wait... whats the diff? I await her answer too, just to see if I'm not the only one who thinks that "dating" after divorce and with children means not necessarily seeing each other more than once a week or two.


----------



## nice777guy

Lon said:


> Wait... whats the diff? I await her answer too, just to see if I'm not the only one who thinks that "dating" after divorce and with children means not necessarily seeing each other more than once a week or two.


The question I have is whether two people can have a relationship that is primarily about the "benefits" without developing feelings and eventually getting hurt.


----------



## Lon

Well, "dating" can mean any and all of that, and for me I realize that when I start dating another woman I know we won't be able to date more than once or twice a week just because life has a lot of other priorities, but it doesn't mean that I won't be developing feelings, and if/when it ends I likely will be hurt. Just because she is hooking up doesn't mean its a casual relationship or anything less than what she wants or needs.


----------



## nice777guy

Lon said:


> Just because she is hooking up doesn't mean its a casual relationship or anything less than what she wants or needs.


That's all I was asking. Is it "hooking up" or something more, but with a bit less frequency.

Lon - would you spend time with a woman that you knew wasn't long term material right now?

No right or wrong answers - just trying to figure some things out.


----------



## Lon

nice777guy said:


> That's all I was asking. Is it "hooking up" or something more, but with a bit less frequency.
> 
> Lon - would you spend time with a woman that you knew wasn't long term material right now?


Yes - I am not looking for another long term relationship, that is all I've ever known and it has never lasted more than 7 years. I want to have some fun and not be looking a year or two down the road, just enjoy being with a good woman in the present, and if it lasts it will just be "organic". And for me, even if it is "hooking up" it will not be purely physical, I'm a bit of a complicated guy and I need trust and kindness in order to get it on, I don't think I could even perform for a ONS (though maybe I could have when I was younger and before dealing with the betrayal and rejection of my divorce and ex's affairs). And even though I'm not seeking long term material I also require monogamy for the duration of the relationship - if we start a physical relationship neither her or I will be getting it on the side with someone else.


----------



## julia71

nice777guy said:


> Do you mind me asking - are you actually dating? Or just getting together every couple of weeks?


Sorry, I don't log on often... but the answer is:

We go on dates sometimes - dinner, drinks, whatever. But sometimes it's just to enjoy sex with each other. That's just the way it is.  We're both cool with it - it works for us. It's not just sex, but it's not real serious either - we take it as it comes, ya know? Are there feelings? Can't speak for him, but for me, not love at this point - this has been going on since about the end of February - but I do like him, I have fun with him (in and out of bed - hahaha!). There are the rare times when I just need him to cheer me up cause I'm having a bad day or something, and I send him a text telling him that, and he'll reply with something funny. 

And to answer what you guys were saying above the reason is because both of us have kids and we are not to a point where we want to bring the kids into this. IF it gets to that point, great. We aren't pushing it. We take it day by day and sometimes we don't see each other for a couple weeks, don't talk for a week or so. But that doesn't mean we like other any less - we just don't smother each other I guess. Yeah, we have sex, but we are getting to know each other in the process too. We DO talk when we get together. We do text occasionally. Life is just busy - we do the best we can. And we get along great, maybe cause it is going so slowly - in a weird way - slow from a not up each others butts way - but not slow cause we're already having sex.


----------



## LonelyNLost

julia71 said:


> Sorry, I don't log on often... but the answer is:
> 
> I'm not in a relationship with him, no. We go on dates sometimes - dinner, drinks, whatever. But sometimes it's just to enjoy sex with each other. That's just the way it is.  We're both cool with it - it works for us.


This is VERY common. More than you'd think, especially if your coming from a married standpoint. People out there actually use sex for recreation and not about the emotion and bonding. Who'd have thunk?


----------



## Jellybeans

nice777guy said:


> The question I have is whether two people can have a relationship that is primarily about the "benefits" without developing feelings and eventually getting hurt.


I think people CAN but generally in that type of situation, one or both end up catching feelings.

It has been a long time for me and some days I feel like crawling up the walls. Dammit. Lots of pent-up frustration.


----------



## remmons

I am not sure if I am not normal, or I just don't have an interest yet, but I just don't feel like sex anymore, o.k. maybe once in a while, but once a woman has an interest in me I seem to run the other way. I am not ready to get involved yet, I am still trying to heal from my failed marriage. My X has moved on quite comfortably, but I on the other hand is still trying to let go. Maybe when the time is right, and I am emotionally ready, it will happen.


----------



## Shoeguy

I response to Lon's last post in not looking for a long term relationship but trying to live more in the present.

I'm struggling with this concept becasue I would love to be able to think like that. I have been dating the same lady for 7 months now. I enjoy her company and conversations and maybe it is a new heart protection security system or something but I don't know the faintest clue how long it will last. 

I was married for almost 19 years to my college sweetheart but that ended late 2010. The girl is the first one out of the shoot in the dating game for me. Makes me wonder if I just need to be in a realtionship or something else.

I guess my question would be how bad is it to enjoy right now and not think about the future when someone else is involved? I can't see years down the road and it is starting to keep me up at night thinking about it.

Shoeguy


----------



## Jellybeans

Shoe--it's not wrong at all as long as your are open and honest with the person you are dating about what your intentions (or non-intentions) are. Can be as simple as saying: I just want to enjoy this.

Either she is down with that or she isn't. But if you're honest, then you have done the right thing.


----------



## Jellybeans

remmons said:


> I am not sure if I am not normal, or I just don't have an interest yet, but I just don't feel like sex anymore, o.k. maybe once in a while, but once a woman has an interest in me I seem to run the other way. I am not ready to get involved yet, I am still trying to heal from my failed marriage. My X has moved on quite comfortably, but I on the other hand is still trying to let go. Maybe when the time is right, and I am emotionally ready, it will happen.


Nothing wrong with that at all. Not everyone is ready to jump on the next person. Take time to grieve, heal, recover, rediscover yourself.

When you are ready, you will know. The fact that you know you aren't, is just fine. In fact it's better than not being ready and dating anyway. I will never understand why people do that.

I know someone who got divorced just months before I did and is already remarried and just had a baby last week. All of that happened 1.5 year after his divorce. 

Things like that seem crazy to me.


----------



## nice777guy

I have days when I'm far too busy or stressed to be horny!!!


----------



## Dollystanford

it's been 2 months for me and I'm currently champing at the bit


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Dollystanford said:


> it's been 2 months for me and I'm currently champing at the bit


2 months?
he11, that was easy, i was already used to 1-2 months during my marriage.

its been 8 1/2 months now issed: :banghead:


----------



## Lon

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> 2 months?
> he11, that was easy, i was already used to 1-2 months during my marriage.
> 
> its been 8 1/2 months now issed: :banghead:


pfft... 8.5months, that was easy. I was already used to that in MY marriage!

After last time with my ex (which I barely count cause it was horrible, so start the count like 3 months before that) it was over 6 months until I found a lady looking for the same thing as I - it got real hot real quick, but didn't last because despite the chemistry we just were not compatible. But I atleast learned that everything still "does" work just fine.

Now its been almost 4 months since that ended, and I definitely crave the touch (both sexual and nonsexual) of a good woman.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Lon said:


> Now its been almost 4 months since that ended, and I definitely crave the touch (both sexual and nonsexual) of a good woman.


same here, except add 4.5 months 

i did go a little over a year on one of me and exw split ups several years before i left for good.


----------



## Lon

celibacy sucks.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Lon said:


> celibacy sucks.


im not celibate, i got rosey.
i always got rosey


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Rosey palm and her 5 friends...:rofl: :lol:

Why be limited to that? I find toys to be a great answer. Don't you people have toys? :scratchhead: IMO it's a requirement, esp if you are a female. Men have it so much easier that way. 

As for when I last had sex..Well, it depends on if you think of it as GOOD sex. Good sex? It could be going on 18 months now. Just sex? It was about a month ago. My husband got the "urge to merge" and then suggested that we have a routine of sex on Sundays. Kinda like mowing the lawn.

We did it and I really felt nothing at all. No desire, no passion. I just wanted to take get it over with. The man doesn't talk or do anything but go through the motions. I feel like he should at least leave me a few bucks on the nightstand afterwards. 

I prefer the toys. 
A week later he mentioned having sex "because it's Sunday and we need to schedule this or we won't do it at all"..and I begged off, which he found puzzling because I'm "always bugging him to have sex."

It's amazing that he just doesn't get it. IMO sex shouldn't be "scheduled" like a haircut and if you don't get any of the affection or passion that goes along with it then it's not worth the effort. Since my husband doesn't even care to put his arms around me or notice me when I'm walking around naked then I'd just as soon as hang out with B*O*B. 

That's *B*attery *O*perated *B*oyfriend. 

I'm not physically/legally divorced but I'm pretty much emotionally there. I used to feel anger and frustration over my lack of a sex life. Now I prefer it. I don't have any real desire to find someone else. I've never been one to sleep around for the sake of doing things. Yes, I miss snuggling and hugging but I have find someone I want to do that with and I haven't met that person. Don't know when I will and frankly, I'm not worrying about it. I'm too busy doing other stuff.


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

Freak On a Leash said:


> IMO sex shouldn't be "scheduled" like a haircut and if you don't get any of the affection or passion that goes along with it then it's not worth the effort. Since my husband doesn't even care to put his arms around me or notice me when I'm walking around naked then I'd just as soon as hang out with B*O*B.
> 
> That's *B*attery *O*perated *B*oyfriend.
> 
> I've never been one to sleep around for the sake of doing things. Yes, I miss snuggling and hugging but I have find someone I want to do that with and I haven't met that person. Don't know when I will


quite agree with all of this


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

bob and rosey, sounds like a good couple there


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Well, Rosey is helps BOB do his job. BOB also has helpers to finish the job properly. 

One can never have too many toys.


----------



## arbitrator

Not bad here at all: only one day longer than yesterday!

So after more than a year, and with potentially contentious proceedings looming ahead, exactly where do I sign up for a Monk's license?


----------



## nice777guy

The most popular men's toy looks like something you'd find in the garage. I don't have one - but I coud just imagine my daughter somehow accidentally taking it to summer camp...

Men need better (and more affordable) options.

I continue to extend my celibacy streak. Every day - a new record.


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## Shooboomafoo

I want one of those robots the Japanese make. 
With a few additional attachments, for my freaky days.
they HAVE to be better than the standard 29.99 blowup doll, which by the way are so unbelievable in their spread eagle position with a plastic hole in the face. I swear, who painted that thing, the elephants in India? Mmmmm... convincing.. And who wants a blowup doll that looks like its suspended in mid-fall from a high rise building? Who "posed" for that???
What happens when they leak? Fold over and fck the bubble?

And the feet on those things. does nothing for the fetishist, being a semi-flesh colored tube having some shape of a heel but no toes,, just a bunched up edge of wrinkly balloon material. No vision at all was put into those things. and well, for the "animated" user its fails to deliver. I dont want to feel like I am making balloon animals just to get some friction going.

So I resign myself to fantasy and whats available in my genre of internet provisions. Men are visual by the way.


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## angelpixie

Shooboomafoo said:


> I want one of those robots the Japanese make.
> With a few additional attachments, for my freaky days.
> they HAVE to be better than the standard 29.99 blowup doll, which by the way are so unbelievable in their spread eagle position with a plastic hole in the face. I swear, who painted that thing, the elephants in India? Mmmmm... convincing.. And who wants a blowup doll that looks like its suspended in mid-fall from a high rise building? Who "posed" for that???
> What happens when they leak? Fold over and fck the bubble?
> 
> And the feet on those things. does nothing for the fetishist, being a semi-flesh colored tube having some shape of a heel but no toes,, just a bunched up edge of wrinkly balloon material. No vision at all was put into those things. and well, for the "animated" user its fails to deliver. I dont want to feel like I am making balloon animals just to get some friction going.
> 
> So I resign myself to fantasy and whats available in my genre of internet provisions. Men are visual by the way.


Sorry for your frustration, Shoo, but I'm having another sh!tty day, and that just made me laugh. You need to write a customer review for one of those on one of the websites that sell them. :rofl:


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## Shooboomafoo

LoL, I was just goofing around. Sorry to hear you're having a crummy day, and I hope it gets better!!!!!


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## Catherine602

Shoe dating is not a commitment, not even a dress rehearsal. It is what two people decide it is. 

It a way to meet people and get to know what kind of person is compatible. I think it is a bad idea to committ to the first person you date. Keep you options open. As long as you are honest with the person you date then you are ok.


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## Catherine602

Shoo I don't think you have ever revealed your humor before. That is so funny.


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## Freak On a Leash

Catherine602 said:


> Shoe dating is not a commitment, not even a dress rehearsal. It is what two people decide it is.


I like that attitude. Should and when I date again I'd see it as a nice way to spend time and have fun with someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me.


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## remmons

Jellybeans said:


> Nothing wrong with that at all. Not everyone is ready to jump on the next person. Take time to grieve, heal, recover, rediscover yourself.
> 
> When you are ready, you will know. The fact that you know you aren't, is just fine. In fact it's better than not being ready and dating anyway. I will never understand why people do that.
> 
> I know someone who got divorced just months before I did and is already remarried and just had a baby last week. All of that happened 1.5 year after his divorce.
> 
> Things like that seem crazy to me.


I can't believe how fast that someone can move on so easily. Maybe their heart wasn't fully into their last relationship? Or maybe they are just in a hurry to be with someone. Or maybe the green grass is turning brown on their side of the fence, so they are looking for greener pastures. Who knows?


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## nice777guy

Went to get a massage today, but just asked the woman to "hold me" instead...

Probably should have asked BEFORE I'd stripped down to my undies.


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## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> Went to get a massage today, but just asked the woman to "hold me" instead...
> 
> Probably should have asked BEFORE I'd stripped down to my undies.


This is epic.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> This is epic.


Epically SAD!!!

Just laying down and spooning was going to cost an extra $50!!!


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## Deejo

Massage table is a bit narrow for spooning. You'd have to go for the missionary hug ...

For 50 bucks, one would imagine more than a hug being part of the deal. 

Getting a massage tomorrow. Don't really want a hug or to be spooned by ... Ken.


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## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> Massage table is a bit narrow for spooning. You'd have to go for the missionary hug ...
> 
> For 50 bucks, one would imagine more than a hug being part of the deal.
> 
> Getting a massage tomorrow. Don't really want a hug or to be spooned by ... Ken.


Barbie wasn't available???

:lol:

Enjoy! Just don't enjoy it TOO much!!!


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## Deejo

Seriously though ...

I had never had a professional massage in my life until after I moved out, and was feeling stressed out all of the time.

You should get a coupon book for massages when you get divorced.


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## nice777guy

I used to go once or twice a year. Good stuff!


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## Paradise

Never had a massage before....Might have to add that to the bucket list. DOn't now if I can handle a dude, though! I would be nervous I would end up like George on that Seinfeld episode where he became "aroused."


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## nice777guy

Paradise said:


> Never had a massage before....Might have to add that to the bucket list. DOn't now if I can handle a dude, though! I would be nervous I would end up like George on that Seinfeld episode where he became "aroused."


I've always requested women. But if a massage is really good, you become very relaxed. Not really a turn-on - more like a shut-down.

But still - ask for a woman!!!


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## Jellybeans

I always think of sex when I'm getting a massage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paradise

Jellybeans said:


> I always think of sex when I'm getting a massage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right now I don't know if there are many situations where I don't think about sex!!!!


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## nice777guy

I'm thinking about sex right now...

Whatcha all wearin???


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> I'm thinking about sex right now...
> 
> Whatcha all wearin???


nuthin


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## angelpixie

My long pastel candy-striped fleece pj's. Sexy, huh?


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> My long pastel candy-striped fleece pj's. Sexy, huh?


Well - you got Secondtime beat by default!

And candy striped...like a Candy Stripe Nurse???

Just sayin...


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## Lon

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> nuthin


me too, buck nekkid reading TAM in my room alone, a little buzzed 

So now that the guys are nekkid how bout the women?


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## angelpixie

I'll unbutton ONE button, and that's it. I mean it. Really.


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> I'll unbutton ONE button, and that's it. I mean it. Really.


Not nice to tease!!!


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## angelpixie

Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, I'm going to take my non-nekkid self off to bed. Alone. Sigh...

'Night, fellas.


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## Catherine602

I thought Bandit's thread went south but this one! It gone and went sideways. 8>}


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Well, if that's the way you're gonna be, I'm going to take my non-nekkid self off to bed. Alone. Sigh...
> 
> 'Night, fellas.


That's the teasing...

Nite!


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## nice777guy

Catherine602 said:


> I thought Bandit's thread went south but this one! It gone and went sideways. 8>}


Which thread?!?


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## Catherine602

21 years down the hole part 2


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## nice777guy

You know - this thread is actually about as close to being "on topic" as it could be after this many posts!!!


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

angelpixie said:


> My long pastel candy-striped fleece pj's. Sexy, huh?


:/


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## Dollystanford

christ, and I thought *I* was desperate
off to the pool now and no contacts in so won't be able to stare at the fit lifeguard
everyone is hot to me at the moment, I really need to have sex


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## Lon

Dollystanford said:


> ...everyone is hot to me at the moment, I really need to have sex


I know, right?!

People seem to be a lot more sexually attractive then usual lately. Observer bias.


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## OldGirl

nice777guy said:


> Which thread?!?


It's an orgy; whips, livestock, etc. I'm just an observer (with a camera).


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

OldGirl said:


> It's an orgy; whips, livestock, etc. I'm just an observer (with a camera).



It's definitely Spring in the air, here on TAM and RL I actually had a women about 35 hand me her phone number at a coffee shop....I'm 57 ;~)


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## proudwidaddy

Man it's been six months since the loving touch of a woman, God this is killing me. I see all the beautiful Betty's out there in sun dresses, short shorts, AGH!!!!


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## Catherine602

proudwidaddy said:


> Man it's been six months since the loving touch of a woman, God this is killing me. I see all the beautiful Betty's out there in sun dresses, short shorts, AGH!!!!


Every woman is named Betty in your town? :scratchhead:


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## angelpixie

No, I think he's saying he's only attracted to beautiful women named Betty. Ugly Bettys need not apply, LOL.


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## Deejo

Where I live, most of the over 40 attractive women appear to be named 'Hoochimama' oddly enough.


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## arbitrator

proudwidaddy said:


> Man it's been six months since the loving touch of a woman, God this is killing me. I see all the beautiful Betty's out there in sun dresses, short shorts, AGH!!!!



Like you, Proud, I'm just waiting for the courtroom gavel to fall for the final time, and trying to somewhat emotionally heal while waiting for that moment in time!


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## angelpixie

Deejo said:


> Where I live, most of the over 40 attractive women appear to be named 'Hoochimama' oddly enough.


Wow, now you're gonna make me really self-conscious about what I post on TAM...


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## CLucas976

I am going to say, too long, and leave it at that. 

I keep this up and you're going to see psychopathic female rapist rampaging across the east coast on the national news :\


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## Jellybeans

Paradise said:


> Right now I don't know if there are many situations where I don't think about sex!!!!






Catherine602 said:


> Every woman is named Betty in your town? :scratchhead:


A "betty" is slang for a hot chick/attractive woman.


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## proudwidaddy

Sorry, I like to go old school sometimes with my references


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## Deejo

angelpixie said:


> Wow, now you're gonna make me really self-conscious about what I post on TAM...


Self conscious? I want to see you post the details of a date where you make a dude cry ... out of joy, or pain, doesn't much matter to me.


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## Lon

CLucas976 said:


> I am going to say, too long, and leave it at that.
> 
> I keep this up and you're going to see psychopathic female rapist rampaging across the east coast on the national news :\


for your own good (and more so for all the desperate recently divorced guys looking), please lock away the machete.


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## angelpixie

Deejo said:


> Self conscious? I want to see you post the details of a date where you make a dude cry ... out of joy, or pain, doesn't much matter to me.



That made me laugh out loud! Thanks, deejo.


----------



## Deejo

The nicest thing about post-divorce, grown-up sex?

Nobody is kidding anybody. You're both there because it's exactly where you want to be, and generally ... you are both looking for a very positive and healthy experience.

And if it isn't those things? Then once again, as an adult, you can easily decide it's not for you, and move on.

It's different then when you're very young and mostly in all the right ways. Don't need to be concerned about awkwardness or performance, or body image. If someone is in bed with you, smiling, with their arms around you ... it's all good. Odds are your partner has already experienced all of those things we think we need to worry about and would much rather just ... be ... with ... you.

That is until the demure librarian you're dating breaks out the riding crop, vinyl hood with zippers on the eyes and mouth, and yells "On your knees b!tch!"

Yeah ... that one may catch you a little off-guard.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> That is until the demure librarian you're dating breaks out the riding crop, vinyl hood with zippers on the eyes and mouth, and yells "On your knees b!tch!"
> 
> Yeah ... that one may catch you a little off-guard.


If you aren't still seeing her, can you send me her number...???

Thanks!


----------



## Jellybeans

Haha. I was just telling Nice today when it does happen for me, whoever my next lover is... might get hurt in the proess. 

Hee.


----------



## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> If you aren't still seeing her, can you send me her number...???
> 
> Thanks!


I absolutely will, once she's out on parole and has her phone back.


----------



## nice777guy

Deejo said:


> I absolutely will, once she's out on parole and has her phone back.


:lol:

:rofl:

So - how was Ken today?


----------



## nice777guy

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. I was just telling Nice today when it does happen for me, whoever my next lover is... might get hurt in the proess.
> 
> Hee.


Tease!


----------



## Deejo

nice777guy said:


> :lol:
> 
> :rofl:
> 
> So - how was Ken today?


6 PM tonight, at my chiropractors office. They also do massage. Slight chance that it won't be a dude. But ... in the scheme of things, I go for deep tissue, so even if it's a guy, of no concern to me.


----------



## angelpixie

Deejo said:


> That is until the demure librarian you're dating breaks out the riding crop, vinyl hood with zippers on the eyes and mouth, and yells "On your knees b!tch!"
> 
> Yeah ... that one may catch you a little off-guard.


What?! My reputation has reached you, too?! Uh-oh...


----------



## Deejo

angelpixie said:


> What?! My reputation has reached you, too?! Uh-oh...


It really is always the quiet ones.


----------



## uhaul4mybaggage

arbitrator said:


> Not bad here at all: only one day longer than yesterday!
> 
> So after more than a year, and with potentially contentious proceedings looming ahead, exactly where do I sign up for a Monk's license?


Let me know when you're going. We can carpool.


----------



## nice777guy

Are monks allowed to watch porn?

Bet they don't have Wi-Fi!!!


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## Jellybeans

Bet they don't have computers/laptops!


----------



## nice777guy

I could surely find a place to hide my phone!!!


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best

nice777guy said:


> I could surely find a place to hide my phone!!!


butt, unless you have bi-sexual tendencies, you may not like it :/


----------



## nice777guy

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> butt, unless you have bi-sexual tendencies, you may not like it :/


"Insert" your own joke about "keeping it on vibrate" here_______________


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## babyowlsrcute

A few weeks, realizing I never waited long enough, gong to reevaluate now and hold off till its right.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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