# first night without kids



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

He came and got the kids for an overnight stay. He walked in and I broke down, I couldn't help it. Son told me he doesn't want him to be his dad anymore, my GOD, I hope he heard. Him carrying on with her is keeping them away. I realize she's not the PROBLEM, but she is a factor. My son is very verbal, I hope he gives him a what for, and he will realize what he is doing to his son. My eldest doesn't say much, except that she's sad. My middle one, she tries to stay away, at my sisters house.

I understand he needs time to heal, reflect. I am more than willing to give him time, but my GOD the kids deserve an intact family. A final decision in what he wants doesn't just affect him. What pisses me off is that he has said more than once, kids adjust. Maybe they adjust, but it can mess them up horribly. I am worried for my kids. How can he do this???? How can he look at those faces and not be torn apart. My girls are a preteen and a teenager, how is this gonna affect them? My son is too young to understand. He's gotta look at their future, and see how it's gonna affect them. 

I sound like a broken record, but right now the choice to keep speaking with her is keeping him away from home. Part of him is being very selfish. It makes me angry. How can he look at his son???? I hope he heard my son say he didn't want him to be his daddy anymore, I of course said don't ever say that, your daddy loves you. Long evening ahead of me.

It doesn't have to be like this, it shouldn't have to be like this, time for a beer....lol


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am still without a vehicle, dad is gonna hopefully get the part for our pickup tomorrow, so at least I can leave. I just saw him today for the first time, and it's like the wound was raw again. Our anytime minutes have gone up alot in the last couple of days, I am sure he's crying to his "phone mistress" The one who makes him feel good about himself, the BI%$. At least when pickup gets fixed I could at least go out for a drive. I just hope when he drops them off it tears him up inside, cuz he won't see them again for nearly a week. I am assuming since he works all weekend, we'll just work something out for his days off. But does he realize....work is gonna pick up at his driving job and he'll work 7 days a week for awhile? He won't see them hardly at all, as I am not gonna send them there late at night, and he works at 7 the next day, girls have gotta get to school, and bus doesn't go where he is.
I am such an idiot, I am regretting checking his phone...how effed up is that?????

all he's gotta do is stop talking to her...help each other heal and go from there, how hard is that?????


----------



## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

paramore said:


> He came and got the kids for an overnight stay. He walked in and I broke down, I couldn't help it. Son told me he doesn't want him to be his dad anymore, my GOD, I hope he heard. Him carrying on with her is keeping them away. I realize she's not the PROBLEM, but she is a factor. My son is very verbal, I hope he gives him a what for, and he will realize what he is doing to his son. My eldest doesn't say much, except that she's sad. My middle one, she tries to stay away, at my sisters house.
> 
> I understand he needs time to heal, reflect. I am more than willing to give him time, but my GOD the kids deserve an intact family. A final decision in what he wants doesn't just affect him. What pisses me off is that he has said more than once, kids adjust. Maybe they adjust, but it can mess them up horribly. I am worried for my kids. How can he do this???? How can he look at those faces and not be torn apart. My girls are a preteen and a teenager, how is this gonna affect them? My son is too young to understand. He's gotta look at their future, and see how it's gonna affect them.
> 
> ...


My father cheated on my mom and left her for his mistress. She was also married and had a son (we're both the same age). My dad took me to his place every weekend, where he lived with her and her son. Eventually they had another kid, my half-brother. I spent basically my entire life watching him have a family with someone who wasn't me and my mother. I had issues with it, yes. I was confused, especially when people would ask them if I was their daughter. I used to call her "mommy" because I felt forced to do so. My mom would be so heartbroken that I'd call her that, but she'd never really say anything because she understood why I did it. I resented him, because I felt like he didn't love me enough, to stay. I saw my friends have a mom and a dad at home, and I didn't. I felt like something was horribly wrong with us.


Yes, it was painful, but trust me when I say they will get over it. What's better, it will give them a realistic look on love and relationships, like it happened to me. Now I understand that sometimes love ends and people need to move on, and there's nothing wrong with it. Children should never be the reason why a couple stays together. Now I realize how blessed I was that my dad didn't live with us, because the fights would've screwed me up. I grew up in a peaceful home, while my two brothers grew up in a very dysfunctional stressful one (lots of fights and problems between my dad and his partner). Now I'm more normal and well adjusted than they will ever be. Every time my dad praises my character, I always remind him that I wouldn't be who I am without a balanced, stable home life. 

One thing my mom always told me was to never feel hate for him, because whatever he did, he did to her, not to me. Of course it's hard to understand that when you're young, but eventually I understood that he never loved me less. He just wasn't good enough for my mom. You should always remind your kids of that. If he loves them and he's a good father to them, then always remind them of that. Don't let your hurt get the best of you and never ever encourage them to harbor ill feelings towards him. In fact, encourage them to talk to him and be vocal about their feelings. Talking helps a lot.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Oh LORD I would never do that, the thing is we really do live in a peaceful home, we get along GREAT, the communication just went to sh*t. We had kids young, and lost each other along the way. I realize that they would get used to it. I just don't think they should have to because of some stupid EA, and when there's a good chance we could make it work, with love, patience, rebuilding, and a heck of alot of counseling and tools to maintain the relationship.


----------



## lpycb42 (Feb 19, 2011)

paramore said:


> Oh LORD I would never do that, the thing is we really do live in a peaceful home, we get along GREAT, the communication just went to sh*t. We had kids young, and lost each other along the way. I realize that they would get used to it. I just don't think they should have to because of some stupid EA, and when there's a good chance we could make it work, with love, patience, rebuilding, and a heck of alot of counseling and tools to maintain the relationship.


Oh I definitely agree and respect you for wanting to make it work, even though he's hurt you so badly. But sometimes it isn't meant to be. Would you be able to truly forget? I believe that you can forgive what he did but will you ever forget what he did? I think that's the main issue in trying to rebuild a relationship after an affair. How do you ever move on? How do you learn to fully trust again?


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lpycb42 said:


> How do you ever move on? How do you learn to fully trust again?


Having lived it and coming out the other end in tact, I can say you do heal, you do forgive, you do recover. But you never forget and that's not a bad thing. You learn from what happened and how. As for trust, for me it is forever changed but not in a horrific way. My radar is on for signs of trouble but I don't question, I don't sift though computer logs, phone bills or worry about her when she goes out. But we have moved on and we are happier in the marriage then we had been in a long time.


----------



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I would be able to forgive and forget, I was able to for the absolute trainwreck we had, because we were both completely responsible. The ball is in court now. I would be able to move past it, if he showed he was completely committed to us. To rebuild our trust back in each other, I know I could. Right now I only trust him to hurt me over and over again. Everyone deserves a second chance, and I do believe we do. It's just up to him to decide what he wants to do, and he needs to do that with a clear head, and he's not thinking with a clear head right now.

The thing is he is gonna end up pushing me possibly the longer than this goes on....one day he's gonna wake up and say I want you, and I may just say back, you lost your chance baby. Then he can kick himself and feel all the pain I'm feeling now. Just desserts I say.


----------

