# GF thinks I am abusing her, but I think she abuses me



## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

My live-in GF thinks I am abusing her. I would never do that, but she is convinced I am and holds it over my head.

First I am slow to to anger. I will let her sit and yell at me for a while but she gets under my skin and I explode. The worst I have done is punch a door. I did that once. I will never do it again. I told her it was childish and I need to control my anger. I have never hit her, slapped her, anything.

Way before I punched the door though she has gotten physical with me. One night she was mad but I tried to sleep in our bed anyway. She pushed, kicked, and punched me as I lay in the bed. She hit me in the head til I was seeing stars. Finally she put me in a choke hold and drug me on to the floor. One night when I was sleeping on the couch she was mad at me so she came down and dumped water on me and the couch. She threw juice in my face during an argument. She threw glass, and an AC adapter. She has thrown my clothes out of the closet severl times. At least four different times I have gone to leave during a heated argument and she will physically restrain me. I am bigger than her so I can over power her. Last time I did that she end up with some marks from me removing her hands from their death grip on my clothes.. My shorts got ripped because she wouldnt let them go.

I of course do not bruise easily so I have no injuries to show from what she does to me. She on the other hand does. From the other night she got marks on her arm. She took pictures of it and is threatening me that she will go to her family and go to the cops. She is convinced I am an abuser, its not just something she is blackmailing me with. She is actually convinced I am this horrible person who physically hurts her. I think I am not, I have never hit her, and I would never, but when she attacks me I fend her off and she ends up with a bruise.

I know this sounds horrible, and you are all rolling your eyes at me, but I dont know what to do. She has said if I leave her she will go to the cops and tell them I am an abuser. My job also requires background checks, so she said she would tell my BI the same thing. It would ruin my professional life. When she attacks me what am I supposed to do, let her? When she won't let me leave the house, a room, a closet, what am I supposed to do?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You need to document her behaviour with a professional, your doctor, clergy, the police, psychiatrist/psychologist etc.

And then just leave her. It wont get any better. It will though get a lot worse if you stay. She’s mentally ill and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I would be rolling my eyes if my brother hadn't gone through something similar a few years ago.

He broke up with a woman. She attacked him. He restrained her. Got up to leave, she told him she was calling the cops. He waited outside. She continued to taunt him from inside.

Cops showed up. He told them his story. Inside she told hers. She told them that he punched, kicked, and choked her ... and that she was pregnant. Boom ... my brother was locked up for the weekend, despite having no previous record, or history of any kind of violence.

She of course wasn't pregnant, but that never seemed to matter. Also turns out she had done the exact same thing TWICE previously.

You need to get the hell out of this relationship. You don't have a girlfriend. You have a resident psychopath.

You truly need to talk to an attorney. And, as AFEH noted, you really need to document these occurrences. Have a restraining order ready to go ... and then any contact she makes with an employer will be seen for what it is ... the ravings of a scorned lunatic, and for which you will then have grounds for a suit against her.

I have zero tolerance for these kind of people regardless of gender. She wants to play with fire? My advice is simple. Burn her ass.

I'll say it again ... you MUST retain an attorney. Advice from friends, or an online forum isn't going to do squat for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Will do if he documents with a professional and gets an attorney


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Correct. Best advice he can get from an online community has just been provided.


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## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Deejo said:


> I'll say it again ... you MUST retain an attorney. Advice from friends, or an online forum isn't going to do squat for you.


Thanks, what sort of attorney? What service do I ask him/her to provide? Do I tell him/her everything or just my side of the story?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have to do the same thing a woman would do.
You have to leave despite the threats, despite the job issue, despite everything. 

Here is what to do:
1. Leave.
2. Get a restraining order. If you try and are denied, use your legal advisor to send a letter to her requesting no contact. If she contacts you, then you can get a restraining order. 
3. Honor whatever rent agreement you have and pay bills in your name.
4. Get legal advice regarding your situation, specific to your state.
5. Get therapy. 

If you continue to sleep in the same house with her, maybe you should get a restraining order against yourself. Knowing what you know about her, you are not taking good care of yourself to stay in this situation. Danger to self or others is one of the criteria for psychiatric commitment. This is why I advise therapy for you. Even though you are the victim, you seem at this point committed to being right, instead of being safe. Those are two different things. You are not thinking clearly. Wake up before you DON'T and CAN'T wake up. 

You should leave immediately. Scr*w documentation. There are different ways of being a hero for yourself than pinning someone else to the wall or backing them into a corner with paperwork. You'd seriously risk your life to be bait to catch something you don't even want? As they say, plenty of fish in the sea. 

You need to get away from her before you do something in self-defense that you can't defend. That is the best way to protect yourself, not proving anything. You don't understand the courts and the police are not sufficiently funded to take care of this stuff. Find your bootstraps.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Munson, call your state's domestic violence crisis line. They will line you up with someone and give you the best advice possible.

If she thinks you are abusing her, she should leave!
My H was in my apartment after all of his cheating and spousal rape/nonconsent for sex act, etc. and he started doing things for a couple weeks, forgetting stuff and telling me about it, pointing it out, making sure I knew, saying he felt suicidal, losing track of time, telling me about how he felt road rage driving, becoming paranoid about breakins at his work, that sort of thing. Then he said he felt that I was being abusive towards him for wanting to see his email and phone logs (he lied to me about his woman friend and other ladies he was friendly with...showed up with scratch marks on his back...etc.) He agreed to share email and phone logs with me, he was staying in my apartment, etc. The minute he said that he though I was being abusive to him by his agreed upon transparency (he willingly showed me his email and phone logs, without me asking even)...but the abuse stuff came along after his vasectomy and the scratch marks... well, when he said he felt I was being abusive and when I tried to talk to him about it he suggested divorce (yes, talk about car suicide but also thinking about divorce and ice climbing and joining a gym and reading stuff and going to the movies! kind of strange but whatever...) so I said good idea, you should move back to your house where you can be safe and have your own life. I would never want to abuse anyone! Oh boy, he called me all sorts of names and told me to go back to my brother (who raped me when I was a teen and who I now have no contact with for over 17 years, for good reason...) Hmmmm, yes, abuse. 

If she feels you are abusing her and has communicated this to you, you can do the 'decent' thing for the relationship and remove yourself from it. This is all the justification you need to leave. She feels abused. So you left. Then you take your little bootie to a therapists office and say, I am confused about my relationship, my gf feels that I have abused her and now I don't know which end is up and I need to seek some clarity on the issue.


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Of course everything!

If you don't understand, there is a time bomb ticking on you. If she goes to police first, you are doomed.

Get a family attorney, pay whatever they ask, and I think you should file a complain with the police for abuse (don't wait for her to do that).

One thing that drives me crazy: why do you call her your girlfriend? And why are you staying with her?


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## Munson (Nov 20, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> 3. Honor whatever rent agreement you have and pay bills in your name.


This is where it gets tricky. It is my house. I just bought a condo and she moved in to it with me. I pay all the bills. Everything. She doesn't work. She does cook and clean though so its not that big of a deal that she is unemployed because she still contributes around the house.

Ultimately though I cant afford to contiune paying for the condo for her to live in it and for me to move somewhere else.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Umm.. What profession are you in?

Durrr.... You aren't married to her. She is psycho and you are allowing it.

Pack her stuff up, put it out on the lawn. Change the locks. Call the police before doing so and let them know that you are worried that a domestic dispute will take place when you ask her to leave.

Relationship or not - since she is not legally married to you and has no interest in the property, you can get police assistance in getting her to leave.

If she makes accusations - tell your side. Its pretty simple. If you are charged (which I doubt any cop would, short of Deejo's story) would make it a he said, she said thing.

Just let them know that this is precisely why you are kicking her out, so this crap doesn't have to happen anymore. They'd understand that. Tell them they might have to take her to the inpatient mental health clinic at the hospital as she is demonstrating signs of mental illness, and might act out.

Carry a Voice activated recorder on your person whenever you have to deal with her (don't let her know about it) and you will have the proof you need (especially if she threatens blackmail on those bruise pictures).

BTW - if they are pictures of bruises, how would she prove they are hers, unless she shows that it is her in the picture (like face, identifying feature like a birthmark. I could find pictures online of bruised body parts and pretend they are mine, although they aren't.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Munson said:


> Thanks, what sort of attorney? What service do I ask him/her to provide? Do I tell him/her everything or just my side of the story?


I would say to start with a family law attorney.

I'm currently going through a divorce. While you two are not married, I've been in family court enough to know that lots of restraining orders are filed and allegations of abuse are made and dealt with. Besides, if she decides to ask for any sort of support (not sure of the laws where you are) you would already have someone up to speed.

Of course, if charges are filed against you then you would need a criminal defense attorney.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

May want to check the common law marriage statutes in your state too. Hopefully you don't fall into that categorization with cohabitation.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It`s highly unlikely the cops are going to pursue a domestic case on the grounds of a week or older photograph.

Just leave her and go NC.
If she harasses you get the restraining order.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It`s highly unlikely the cops are going to pursue a domestic case on the grounds of a week or older photograph.
> 
> Just leave her and go NC.
> If she harasses you get the restraining order.


Yea, specially if its up close and has no personal identifying characteristics of the person claiming the abuse.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I got locked up and charged with domestic violence with bodily injury trying to defend myself against my husband, I called the cops on him that night and they arrested me because he had a scratch mark on his wrist from me trying to grab my cell phone to call the cops!!!!! (I ran over to a neighbors to call when I couldn't get my cell phone back). 

Here's what I would do, knowing what I know now about the legal ramifications:

Do NOT touch her, under any circumstances, one bruise, scratch, anything on her regardless of the situation will land you in jail and give you a record (even though it can be expunged, it is still on detailed background checks) - I cannot stress this enough!!!!! If you find yourself in a position to defend yourself, DON'T touch her, touch the phone and do it quick, call the cops on her first!!! Unfortunately, if you do leave a defensive mark on her, you WILL go to jail. 

Go now and file for an ex parte order of protection. Go to court in two weeks (or whatever date they schedule) on it, explain to the judge what you said here. Get it documented. If she wants to say that you have abused her in that same court, fine, it can be a two way order of protection, but YOU are the one who filed on HER. That's done.

And for the record, a domestic violence incident can be prosecuted up to year later (in the state of TN, check your state on the statue of limitations). I've filed a few reports on my husband, they told me I have a year to prosecute after reporting. This is taking into consideration the cops do not have grounds to arrest either party at during the initial call. 

Good luck to you and if you can safely get out of this relationship, please do so now!!!!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dude just leave her and do it now.

That photo is nothing she can`t do a damn thing with it.

Being around her is dangerous as hell and for the love of god no matter what she does do not call the cops.
The vast majority of times a cop is called for domestic violence the man goes to jail regardless of who is actually doing the abusing.

Get out ASAP


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Given your work situation, is there a department that you can go talk to someone about what's going on? At least if they hear it from you first, it may make a difference.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Munson said:


> This is where it gets tricky. It is my house. I just bought a condo and she moved in to it with me. I pay all the bills. Everything. She doesn't work. She does cook and clean though so its not that big of a deal that she is unemployed because she still contributes around the house.
> 
> Ultimately though I cant afford to contiune paying for the condo for her to live in it and for me to move somewhere else.


Like I said, leave and pay all the bills that are in your name.
You keep a record of that, meanwhile you keep a record of whatever expenses you have living out of the house, including purchasing extra clothes and toiletries to replace the ones you leave behind... you go to an atty, you get an eviction notice, you have it served by a Sherriff, etc. You really need to consult an attorney on this one. 

Probably you need to go with the police by arrangement to go to your house and get the stuff you want and to take photographs of all of the things in the house and the condition of the house, etc. Your attorney can probably send an assistant as this would need to be notarized report or something along those lines. To show her that if she chooses to trash your house or damage it in any way there will be damages assessed. But definitely you can't be there just with her.

I'll stand by my opinion that you could be committed if you do, cause really, that's just crazy. Yah, it's your house. Now do the things you need to do to stay alive to live in it. 

If you were real nasty you could hire a group of b*tch-divas to come and live with you for a week, kind of like ummmm, bodyguards? But that's just pulp fiction talking, it would be cool, but it's much niftier to walk away for now. 

Oh, the other poster who suggested employee assistance program at work? DEFINITELY A MUST, because you need to cover your butt at work in case she makes trouble there. Legally and professionally and also security-wise. Workplace violence by domestic partners is a huge deal, companies take it very seriously. How can you work unless you're being protected? I left a job, changed where I lived, changed my name, changed my kids' school to protect myself from my own brother who is a psychotic mess of a human being. If I can do that you can certainly get out, lay low and consult an attorney. Sure an attorney will cost. But consider it a very valuable education that you can't get at a university. It's better to have an attorney who is blunt with you and doesn't take any cr*p excuses. That's the kind of attorney you need to turn loose on this woman who has taken over your life and your home and probably 100% of your thoughts (which is likely her intent). Turn the thinking over to a mild-mannered attorney with an inner b*tch in him/her and she won't know what hit her when she lets her guard down and plays her game with your legal counsel


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## ozwang (Aug 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> Given your work situation, is there a department that you can go talk to someone about what's going on? At least if they hear it from you first, it may make a difference.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## spryte (Dec 8, 2011)

U nd to put up some cameras in the house. In whatever state you live in, when a man says he's been abused by a woman, true or not, it's still a bit "out there". People have a hard time believing it. You still nd to contact the police and lawyers etc, but a video showing her hitting you would be undeniable proof.
The VAR (voice activated recorder) suggestions is good too, so you can record her saying she'll claim you abused her.

And don't be surprised, the way she sounds she might give bruise herself, accidentally or otherwise, and claim you did it.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Get out and immediately have her evicted and get an order of protection NOW.


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