# How can I not sound like jealous freak?



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Okay, my husband already thinks I'm a jealous wife. Granted, some of it is because my previous post "can't get him to understand" if you want to take the time to read it. Plus, I don't think I'm being over-the-top jealous or unreasonable for a lot of the times I inquire about other people or what-not. But...

My husband has been recently being sent on business trips and years ago, he would call me at least a couple times a day each day he was gone and even would do that if he was only gone for part of a day...just to check in. Well, the business trip before last he was gone five days, and I got a text when he landed, and that was it. I heard nothing else until the next night for a quick three minute call while he was having a smoking break at a restaurant he was at with all his colleagues. I was a bit dismayed. I thought he could have called me earlier or even before bed for a nice chat. But okay...but then the total time he was gone I heard from him like once...and that was because I left him a voicemail freaking out about why I hadn't heard nothing from him and why I couldn't get ahold of him at all. His excuse was that he didn't have good phone service...in California. Well, that whole trip was unpleasant but we got through it.

Well, last trip was just an overnighter and when he got home he told me about how after the conference, around 9:30 at night, this "60 year old jewish woman took him out to dinner," and I did get a call around 11:30, another smoke break, but I had gone to bed cuz I was tired of waiting for him to call. So when he tells me this story about them trying to find a restaurant and such he fails to mention that this other chick that he sets up this conference with, who is younger and pretty, was with them. I had to ask. Then he's like, "Oh yeah, she was with us too." He also failed to mention they shared a hotel (not a room, according to him), and now that I hear his conversation with one of his managers saying "We didn't get back to Michigan til 8 at night" because of some flight delays I'm wondering if he failed to mention they traveled together as well. 

Now I want to ask if they had also traveled together, but I'm afraid he'll blow up about me being too jealous and suspicious so I don't know how to approach it or if I should, or if I'm being a freak about it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im also suspicious of my H and it drives me nuts sometimes. I'm so bad that if he goes to lunch with a female colleague I have to see her so I know if I should worry. It's kinda ridiculous. I try to acknowledge both sides of my worry; the part of me that thinks i'm right and the part of me that thinks im being ridiculous. I always approach my H about it. I tried not voicing my concerns once but then I was passive aggressive and over all it didnt work out well. BUT when I do express my fears to my H i do not expect him to fix those fears for me. I dont expect in anyway that he will be able to say anything that will make me feel better. So far that has really worked out for me. It takes the anger out of the conversation but I also justify my own feelings. 

What has come from communicating my fears like this is that I've noticed I just plain dont feel that much love coming from him. So naturally that leaves me insecure and feeling like he's not that attached to me so he wont mind finding it some place else. It's taken the anger and contentious out of the relationship, though. That insecurity is there for me and I can acknowledge that there's not much I can do about it right now. There's certainly nothing he can do about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I travel for work sometimes. So somtimes I travel with men. We stay in the same hotel, share rides in a rental car. We tend to eat meals together.

This does not mean we are cheating. Unless you have some evidence of cheating you are wrong in acting like he is. You can look for evidence.. it can be away to make yourself feel better.

Do you have a home computer? Does he have a cell phone?


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Well, they work for the same company. She's some kind of marketing exec and he was doing a presentation and she kind of set the whole thing up. I'm not upset about him going to dinner with colleagues, I'm upset that he seems to have purposely left out the fact that she was there. He specifically said, 'a 60 year old jewish woman and I were driving around trying to find a restaurant that was open," and only when I asked if this other woman was there is when he admitted she was. Why? It is this kind of crap that makes me suspicious. Then he made it sound like he traveled alone. Overhearing his conversation with his boss, and him saying "we", is making me think he left out the fact that he traveled with her too. Why? I know if I ask him he'll say cuz he knew I'd be all jealous so he didn't mention it...but to me that is the wrong action to take to ease me being jealous. Isn't it worse if he hides it and then I find out that he hid it? Wouldn't _that_ make me suspicious and jealous?

I totally agree that I shouldn't automatically suspect an affair just because he's traveling and meeting up with colleagues of the opposite sex. But the sneaking and hiding the fact is what is bothering me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So the question is, is there a way you can check up on things and get more evidence that something is or is not going on?

If he uses a cell phone and/or a computer there are ways you can check. See if they re writing each other.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

He has to sleep at some point. Check his phone for calls or text messages. If you see nothing, look at the bill when it comes in the mail.
Check 'history' on computer if he uses one.

Now, to me, this is just being a concerned wife. To your H, you are a jealous fool.
However, if you find anything, you are no longer a fool.

When he travels, just ask him how he's doing and what his day was like, what all did he do.
That's it. Don't ask him any other questions so you don't look jealous. If you do this enough, he will relax and believe he can tell you if he travels with a woman and you not get jealous.
Act as though you don't care. Go about your business. Show him you are not jealous (even if you are).


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I hate to have to resort to spying...he has big issues with me doing that (even though he felt it was perfectly fine to read my diary...) and found out once that I was on his computer doing that and flipped out on me. Accused me of being a liar and a sneak and he can't trust me now, blah blah blah...

And to tell you the truth, I do feel that way. But I also don't want to be an unknowing fool letting him take advantage of my love for him by doing stuff behind my back. If he feels that way about me enough to want to hide traveling with someone...he doesn't respect me enough to perhaps keep from doing inappropriate things while he is gone...is what I'm thinking. If he hides that, what else is he hiding? And when I bring it up to him...he's going to blame it all on me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your insecurity is going to ruin your marriage.
Why are you so jealous? Has he done anything to make you distrust him in the past? Or is your past that has made you this way and now you are paranoid?

Trust but verify. 

This sounds like communication problems between you two. Tell him you want him to call you more than 1x after he lands. Tell him how you want to make sure he is ok.

You sound like my ex.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_My ex, my first son's father, used to cheat on me. 

Aside from clicking off of windows he is in when I come up to his office to ask him something, never sleeping in bed with me (which he blames on his sleep apnea), and hiding the fact that he was traveling with another woman (if that is the case)? Oh, and sometimes getting into a habit of napping from the time I get home til around 9 or 10 and then staying up all night on his computer...no, he hasn't really done anything to make me expect that he is cheating or going to cheat.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I guess what I am really asking here is, should I ask him if he and this other woman were traveling together or no?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Of course, we have been getting along really well this past few days, and if I bring it up now he is going to accuse me of faking happiness this whole time and of not being able to trust me cuz he never knows what I'm really thinking. Which, incidentally, is the same reason he used for reading my journal...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

stillme4you said:


> ... clicking off of windows he is in when I come up to his office
> ... never sleeping in bed with me (which he blames on his sleep apnea)
> ... sometimes getting into a habit of napping from the time I get home til around 9 or 10 and then staying up all night on his computer.


Uh, allow me to jump in here to say these are red flags that something is going on. Chat rooms? Cyber sex? EA? Something is up. Get on the computer and check out what sites he's been visiting. If he's erased the history, check out cookies. 

He's avoiding you. He's up all night on the computer. I'd certainly start investigating, without him knowing, to get as much info as possible.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

You have the right to ask him who he travels with but its all about how you do it and how you react to stuff you don't like. If you have jealous tendencies then he probably thinks its best not to tell you much so you won't make his life difficult. If the conversation is always an investigation he may choose not to participate. I've been overly jealous in the past but it was because I was picking up on other signals. The computer stuff your H is doing makes me think he's having some doubts about your relationship and is looking for something else or he just needs his porn time. Either way he's choosing to not spend time with you for some reason and that's what you should be working on. If you focus on the behavior you know about (computer stuff) you have a better chance at understanding what's going on.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

The work scenario alone wouldn't make me suspicious, so much.

However, clicking off windows as soon as you enter the room, not sleeping in the same bed as you... Those are all red flags. How is your sex life?

Not only that but if I traveled regularly with male coworkers and my husband expressed an issue, I would address the issue civilly without pointing fingers or calling him insecure. I would be sensitive to his feelings, find out how I could keep him from feeling that way, and make the changes that were needed (within reason).


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Lydia said:


> The work scenario alone wouldn't make me suspicious, so much.
> 
> However, clicking off windows as soon as you enter the room, not sleeping in the same bed as you... Those are all red flags. How is your sex life?
> 
> Not only that but if I traveled regularly with male coworkers and my husband expressed an issue, I would address the issue civilly without pointing fingers or calling him insecure. I would be sensitive to his feelings, find out how I could keep him from feeling that way, and make the changes that were needed (within reason).


Our sex life is slower than it used to be, but when we do it's great! However, I have noticed or rather felt that he may be just playing along. It could just be my insecurities playing with my mind, but one thing that does bug me is he avoids kissing me during...and I so badly want to be kissed!


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## The_Good_Wife (Jan 13, 2012)

How not to sound like a jealous wife?
Sometimes you kind of have to train your brain not to care as much. You gain nothing when worrying about every single thing. We had a situation when we first started dating when I dound out he was still contacting his ex. We were not exclusive yet, but it really bothered me. Then I realized I was being a hypocrite because at the time I started dating my husband I was also going out on dates with 4 other guys (nothing serious with any of them -including my husband- I just went through that phase where I knew I wanted a relationship and was dating). Aaaanyways so I let that go but inside me I was thinking "he is supposed to be head over heels with me...how dare he still care abt a past crush!"

I've never been a jealous person, but I have noticed myself that with my husband sometimes I used to give him that vibe (especially in the beginning). So I am conciously trying not to be like that. 
When he goes out with his friends he asks me if it's ok! I tell him that there is no need to ask me...just inform me! He starts acting guilty abt staying out later than he wants to and I tell him to stay out AS LONG AS HE WANTS! He always calls me when he is out with his friends and I really don't like it when he does that, so I told him "when u are out with the guys just have fun and don't worry abt me". He started showing me that the fact that I don't ever call him when he is out bothers him (other g/fs/wives keep calling their partners, but I never do) but I told him that I do miss him when he is out, I just don't want to bother him. 

Start carring less (you kind of have to because if u don't u will worry so much to the point where u start acting paranoid) and let him know that you trust him. 

The way I see it is that if he is the kind of person that is going to cheat he will do it and there is no way I can stop him. I am not a police officer. I am not here trying to "catch him" doing something wrong. My job is to let him know that I love and trust him. if he choses to cheat on me then he will be doing me a favour because I deserve to be with someone better, and the sooner that happens the better.

I will never tolerate abuse, physical or emotional cheatting in my marriage. The 1st time any of these happens I'm out. Maybe I talk like this because I am very newly married and there are no kids involved. I don't know how I am going to think when kids are in the picture.


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