# New here, unsure what's ahead



## CouchPotato (Feb 24, 2018)

I've been married for almost 30 years. We started dating when I was 16, he's several years older. Married after 5 years together. We have 3 kids, one still at home and the other two living nearby, 1 in college and 1 working. Things have been not great since the beginning, bad for about 10 years, and for all intents and purposes the marriage has been over for about 5 years. We have not had sex in almost 5 years.

My husband has a disability that makes communication a challenge. He had the disability when we met, but it has gotten worse over the years. In addition, being 21 when we married I was immature and not fully aware of what being married to someone with a disability meant. My husband is ashamed of his disability and will not tell people about it, which means others are not aware of the reasons underlying his communication difficulties. He also considers himself to be defective and "less than" because of his disability. He is depressed and has on occasion expressed mildly suicidal thoughts. He refuses to get any help -- won't see a counselor or talk to his doctor about the depression.

He has also used his disability as his ticket out of a lot of responsibilities. His difficulties in communicating have been his excuse to not take kids to appointments, make phone calls about issues that crop up, talk with the kids about truly serious issues, deal with people for repairs, and so on. It has all been on me. 

I have a controlling personality. I don't like it and I work on it. This has caused problems in our relationship and I fully admit that. I have probably verged on being emotionally abusive at times because of the need to control things, impatience with my husband's lack of ability to make decisions, and the pressure of having the majority of the responsibility in our lives. I do not like myself when I get this way but sometimes even though I hear what I'm saying and know it's hurtful or over the top, I just can't stop myself. Fortunately I've been able to become more aware and I really, truly try to adjust my thinking and what is coming out of my mouth.

Physical affection and sex have been an issue since around the time we were married. I would have been happy with sex once a week or even a bit more frequently. Within a few years of being married I was lucky if it happened once a month. I was the affectionate one and would touch him as I walked by, hold his hand in the car, and so on. I rarely got similar treatment in return and was sometimes rejected when I tried to do these things. When things got rough between us I would naturally not want to be affectionate and he would tell me he missed it, that he appreciated that I made that effort, and he would try. But it never lasted more than a couple of weeks. 

And he drinks. His habits straddle a line. I am not convinced he's actually an alcoholic, but he is for sure a binge drinker. He starts drinking around 10 pm every single Friday and Saturday night and stays up drinking till 2:00 or 3:00 am. The only thing that changes or prevents this is if we have something going on quite early on Saturday or Sunday, and sometimes not then. He does his drinking alone, usually in front of the tv. For about 15 years he's made attempts to hide from me just how much he drinks. I used to try to figure it out -- track what he was drinking, find his hiding spots, and so on. Part of what's changed in the past 5 years is that I have given up, although once every few months curiosity takes over and I'll peek to see if he's hiding booze here or there.

We've gone to counseling twice. The first time it was useless. The second time it felt useful but we weren't really given any strategies to fix anything. It was an unloading session, which we kind of needed, but we needed MORE. And his lack of interest in recognizing that his own issues are part of the problem make it kind of futile.

I've stayed for 2 reasons -- the kids and the house. The kid issue is, of course, going to resolve itself. We still fully support the high schooler and partially support the middle one in college. The older they get, the less this is a problem. The house is a bigger problem. We need to do several thousand dollar's worth of work. We don't have the money (we are horrible savers). Husband won't put time and effort into certain things because 1) he doesn't do that stuff, he leaves it for me, and 2) he knows that if we get the house into sellable shape I will push for a divorce. He doesn't want that because he doesn't want to be alone. He doesn't think he can function on his own.

I have had a huge hand in creating my situation. Early on I was fine with "being in charge," even though that meant taking responsibility for things I should have put back on him (like how he communicates with people, including our kids). As I aged and got overwhelmed by responsibilities I started to see how I had contributed to the situation and tried to change things. He hates change. It stresses him out. And he knows it means I want him to take action. So now I'm trapped in the marriage and the house. I need to figure out how to save enough money, be the primary person in charge of getting repairs done, and pursue the details of a separation and divorce if I want one (I do!).

I dream of living alone. I sleep alone on weekend nights because he stays up so late and is so noisy when he comes to bed. I treasure my Friday and Saturday nights and I"m actually disappointed if he goes to bed early and/or doesn't drink because I lose my reason for sleeping in the spare room. He recently went on a work trip (which he NEVER does) and I felt so relaxed and free. I need to make it happen. I'm just so tired of all the effort after 30 years. I need to get out but I need to figure out how to make it happen.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sell the house as is!

Start saving some money. 

See a lawyer most give free 30min review. 

Got to ask what disability does he have?

Aspergers?


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