# Dreading the upcoming holiday season



## BK1882 (2 mo ago)

My wife and I have been together almost 7 years (married over a year). I really dislike the holidays as I have to negotiate with my wife to spend time with my family. It's been this way since we have been together. My family lives about 2 hours away so I don't ask my wife to visit them at all. However, I like to see my mom on Christmas and Thanksgiving as she is alone. My wife doesn't like visiting and gives me a really hard time when I ask to go visit alone. I lost my dad a few years ago so I feel very alone.

We visit her parents quite often as they live 30 minutes away. I don't put up any fuss when we visit them. I wish she would give me the same treatment.

I don't want my family to visit our house because she will complain about them for a few weeks after the visit. I have come to hate Thanksgiving and Christmas because I have to deal with my wife not wanting to spend anytime with my family. Whenever we visit, she will ask before we arrive when are we leaving. If we have work the next day, she will insist we are on the way home by 11AM. However, when we visit her parents we might end up staying until 8PM even though we both work the next day.

I really struggling with this. I feel tore to be with my wife and also help my mom. I don't really enjoy constantly fighting with wife about family. I think about leaving my wife so I don't have to deal with this anymore.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Well, that really sucks. 

Your mom is alone? Would your wife be okay with having her come join you both at her family’s and she can drive back with you, spend the night and you drive your mom back home.

To ask you to not spend any time with your mom on the holidays is cruel. There’s no other word for it. Unless your mom has been horribly abusive to you and/or your wife, your wife is being selfish.

Is your wife controlling, in general?


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## BK1882 (2 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Well, that really sucks.
> 
> Your mom is alone? Would your wife be okay with having her come join you both at her family’s and she can drive back with you, spend the night and you drive your mom back home.
> 
> ...


My wife would say yes she should stay, but then she will complain about her. My mom has a dog that my wife hates so it won't work.

Yes - she is very controlling. Prior to her, I use to have lots of hobbies and friends. This is how we met. I have given up almost all of these activities.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Have you directly told all this to your wife?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

BK1882 said:


> My wife would say yes she should stay, but then she will complain about her. My mom has a dog that my wife hates so it won't work.
> 
> Yes - she is very controlling. Prior to her, I use to have lots of hobbies and friends. This is how we met. I have given up almost all of these activities.


Why do you allow your wife to control you and the marriage? I think that you just have to do what you want ...this one time, and see what happens. Go see your mom, figure out the dog situation if you plan to bring her to your house for the holidays. You don't need to ask your wife's permission to visit your mother. 

I get the holiday visiting ''schedule,'' though. Fortunately, my husband's parents and mine are not far apart, so we don't have the same issues when the holidays come. But, if we did...we'd have to find a compromise. That's what marriage is about, compromise. The thing that upsets me the most about your post, is she doesn't want to visit your mom, but she doesn't want you to, either. 😣

I hope you realize that you matter, and that the more you allow this to go on, it will only get worse. Only you can change it. Your wife may be angry with you, but you can't live in fear of that.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dude …. I feel your pain. I honestly hate the holidays for pretty much the exact same reason. I’ll admit though that both my wife and mom did some real nasty things when we were much younger. It’s one of those forgive but don’t forget things. This is my first Christmas since my father died and I already feel the chit under the surface about how this is all going to play out

I f’ing hate it …..


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude …. I feel your pain. I honestly hate the holidays for pretty much the exact same reason. I’ll admit though that both my wife and mom did some real nasty things when we were much younger. It’s one of those forgive but don’t forget things. This is my first Christmas since my father died and I already feel the chit under the surface about how this is all going to play out
> 
> I f’ing hate it …..


Always seems to bring out the worst in families, doesn't it? I see it all the time with my friends.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Honestly, I don't think it really has much to do with the holidays. I could be any cause for the family to get together.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BK1882 said:


> My wife and I have been together almost 7 years (married over a year). I really dislike the holidays as I have to negotiate with my wife to spend time with my family. It's been this way since we have been together. My family lives about 2 hours away so I don't ask my wife to visit them at all. However, I like to see my mom on Christmas and Thanksgiving as she is alone. My wife doesn't like visiting and gives me a really hard time when I ask to go visit alone. I lost my dad a few years ago so I feel very alone.
> 
> We visit her parents quite often as they live 30 minutes away. I don't put up any fuss when we visit them. I wish she would give me the same treatment.
> 
> ...


I understand exactly where you're coming from, as my former marriage was like this as well. Question: have you sat down with your wife, and talked to her about how much this bothers you, or your feelings around this subject? If not, I would suggest that, if you have and she doesn't want to meet you halfway, then you have a problem.

I'm not sure if this is something worth divorcing over, but your wife always getting her way isn't a good thing either. With my former marriage, I catered to my husband, and we hung out predominantly with his friends and family during the holidays. It was also a fight to get him to my family's place on time, or for him to let me see my own friends. I dreaded the holidays, and still do even though I'm no longer with him. I will say though that after I left him, holidays became much more easy.

Have you considered going to couple's therapy with your wife? Was she like this (getting her own way) prior to marriage?


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## BK1882 (2 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Dude …. I feel your pain. I honestly hate the holidays for pretty much the exact same reason. I’ll admit though that both my wife and mom did some real nasty things when we were much younger. It’s one of those forgive but don’t forget things. This is my first Christmas since my father died and I already feel the chit under the surface about how this is all going to play out
> 
> I f’ing hate it …..





Ursula said:


> I understand exactly where you're coming from, as my former marriage was like this as well. Question: have you sat down with your wife, and talked to her about how much this bothers you, or your feelings around this subject? If not, I would suggest that, if you have and she doesn't want to meet you halfway, then you have a problem.
> 
> I'm not sure if this is something worth divorcing over, but your wife always getting her way isn't a good thing either. With my former marriage, I catered to my husband, and we hung out predominantly with his friends and family during the holidays. It was also a fight to get him to my family's place on time, or for him to let me see my own friends. I dreaded the holidays, and still do even though I'm no longer with him. I will say though that after I left him, holidays became much more easy.
> 
> Have you considered going to couple's therapy with your wife? Was she like this (getting her own way) prior to marriage?


This is exactly my situation. We hang out with her friends and family predominantly. Since we started dating, the amount of close friends of mine has been down greatly. There is no compromise unless I am the one compromising.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

What, specifically, does your wife complain about? Is your mom rude or snarky? Does she give backhanded compliments? 

I mean, it does take two, so how much of this may be your mom's fault? Or do you feel it's 100% on your wife?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BK1882 said:


> This is exactly my situation. We hang out with her friends and family predominantly. Since we started dating, the amount of close friends of mine has been down greatly. There is no compromise unless I am the one compromising.


I fell into that trap when I was young. It was definitely a mistake but sometimes you just don’t understand yourself and life well enough at a younger age to see things and buck the system.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

BK1882 said:


> This is exactly my situation. We hang out with her friends and family predominantly. Since we started dating, the amount of close friends of mine has been down greatly. There is no compromise unless I am the one compromising.


How about you suggest that you spend one holiday with her parents and one with your mum? Do you have other siblings who visit your mum?
Or could your mum come with you to visit her parents?


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## BK1882 (2 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> I fell into that trap when I was young. It was definitely a mistake but sometimes you just don’t understand yourself and life well enough at a younger age to see things and buck the system.


Nice to see, misery has company


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BK1882 said:


> Nice to see, misery has company


Those days are long gone though. I encourage you to stand your ground and put your foot down on the matter if needs. It will be a complete meltdown at first but she will get over it I promise.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

That family baggage is rarely bio-degradeable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)




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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> View attachment 93438


ELF!! 💚❤


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

BK1882 said:


> My wife would say yes she should stay, but then she will complain about her. My mom has a dog that my wife hates so it won't work.
> 
> Yes - she is very controlling. Prior to her, I use to have lots of hobbies and friends. This is how we met. I have given up almost all of these activities.


I have to ask...what is the history between your wife and your mum? There must be something for your wife to feel this strongly about it. Full disclosure, I have the inlaws from hell and put my foot down around the holidays. I have no issue with him seeing them the day before (I don't want to go but he can if he wants to) or the day after, but the day of the holiday belongs me and our daughter (she doesn't want to go either, that should tell you lots).

It is concerning though, that you've lost your friends and given up your activities, no one should have to do that. I love it when my hubby goes out with his friends, I get the tele to myself!! Woot!



Mr.Married said:


> Those days are long gone though. I encourage you to stand your ground and put your foot down on the matter if needs. *It will be a complete meltdown at first but she will get over it I promise.*


Brave man


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Your wife sounds selfish & cruel. The idea that she wants to keep you from your widowed mother on holidays is just terrible. Ask your wife point blank why she thinks it's OK to treat somebody like that. Unless she tells you that your mother did something truly abusive, put your foot down & include mom in the holidays. It's the right thing to do from a moral & humanitarian perspective. Think long & hard about why you want to stay married to somebody who has such a cold, callous, selfish heart.

You need to get involved in your hobbies & your friends again. Marriage is a 2 way street. It can't always be her way only. 

If your wife's objection to your mom is the dog, perhaps the dog can be left home when mom comes over. Personally I don't trust people who don't like animals.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


BK1882 said:



This is exactly my situation. We hang out with her friends and family predominantly. Since we started dating, the amount of close friends of mine has been down greatly. There is no compromise unless I am the one compromising.

Click to expand...

*Don't think it's past time you found your *spine*?


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Does your family accept your wife? Have they ever said anything to her or to you that would make her feel that she is not liked by them? Has she explained to you why she does not like to visit your family? You said that she complains about a visit for 3 weeks afterwards. What are her complaints?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Even if your wife and mom don't get along, unless your mom has been outright abusive/toxic to you both (and then I doubt you'd want to genuinely spend time with her), you should be able to visit her on your own, without your wife. The fact that your wife wants to control every move you make is the problem, right down to your hobbies.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BK1882 said:


> My wife and I have been together almost 7 years (married over a year). ..... I like to see my mom on Christmas and Thanksgiving as she is alone. My wife doesn't like visiting and gives me a really hard time when I ask to go visit alone. I lost my dad a few years ago so I feel very alone.
> 
> We visit her parents quite often as they live 30 minutes away. I don't put up any fuss when we visit them. I wish she would give me the same treatment.
> 
> .....wife not wanting to spend anytime with my family. Whenever we visit, she will ask before we arrive when are we leaving. If we have work the next day, she will insist we are on the way home by 11AM. However, when we visit her parents we might end up staying until 8PM even though we both work the next day.....





BK1882 said:


> My wife would say yes she should stay, but t*hen she will complain about her. My mom has a dog that my wife hates so it won't work.*
> 
> Yes - *she is very controlling*. Prior to her, I use to have lots of hobbies and friends. This is how we met. *I have given up almost all of these activities.*


A few thoughts, base on experience. Your mom is your family and always will be. Your wife has family as well. However, your marriage has created a new family. 

What my wife and I have done is for Christmas we have three celebrations When our parents were alive it was: Christmas Eve with one set of parents, Christmas morning with just us and our children, Christmas Day Supper with the other set of parents. For Thanksgiving, we have often left town to be just with my wife and our children. We go someplace warm and sunny as a mini winter vacation.

Now to your problem. Your real problem is that you are a "Nice Guy." You need to get Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy and read and study that book. A nice guy is a man who has been raised by a strong mother, female teachers, grandmother, older sister to believe that to be happy and successful he needs to do things that please the women in his life. A Nice Guy is codependent on his wife and needs her emotional validation to be happy. 

To turn in your NG card you need to "Get a Life" (code words defined in the book) which means do things you want to do, things that make you feel good and proud of your accomplishments as a man. You can do them with your children, but not with your wife. They are to be your challenges.

As long as you are a Nice Guy, your marriage will have problems. 

If your wife doesn't want to visit your mom on Thanksgiving or have her visit, I suggest that you call your mom on Thanksgiving and that you (without your wife) visit with you mom on the day after Thanksgiving (Black Friday) go out shopping with her for Christmas presents and take her to brunch or an early dinner......just the two of you or even with one of her friends.

As to Christmas, tell you wife that you mom is and always will be your family and with the passing of your dad, it is more important than ever for you to be there with her. Let you wife choose whether you go visit you mom on Christmas Eve or on Christmas day. If her family celebrates Christmas Day, go visit you mom on the afternoon of Christmas Eve and stay the night. Help cook a meal with your mom, so she will have plenty of leftovers the next day. Leave the next day and either meet your wife at her folks or get home in time so you can go to her parents the in the early afternoon.

If you wife changes her mind about your mom coming over, then figure out something to do with the dog. Does your mom have a "crate" that the dog can stay in briefly? Can you and your mom take the dog out for a walk while at your house and then put the dog is say your garage or a spare room? There are also wire frame cages one can buy for a dog to stay in. The point is look for ways to solve any problems your wife raises. 

If you wife is unreasonable, just tell her that this is your mother, she has lost her husband and you are going to be there for your mother, by either going to her on special holidays or by inviting her to be with you. 

Good luck. Your problem is not the holidays.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BK1882 said:


> Yes - she is very controlling. Prior to her, I use to have lots of hobbies and friends. This is how we met. I have given up almost all of these activities.


Then the problem is you. You need to stand up and start leading your marriage and stop being a passive man who allows himself to be controlled by his wife. 

TELL your wife that you will be seeing your mother during the holidays. Either drive over for a day trip, or bring her back to your house for a couple days during the holidays.
Figure out the logistics so that it works with the rest of your plans. 
Solicit your wife’s input on how to work in time with your mom into the holiday plans, but be clear that she will be included.

Also, start re-engaging with your hobbies and friends. You need to take control of your own life.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I almost married a beautiful, brilliant, talented woman, that had a “my way or the highway” attitude. I chose the highway. I think that’s your best choice also.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Your wife will make the rest of your life hell. Personally I'd divorce her. She sounds personality disordered and definitely very unfair to the point of being cruel. Plenty of nice, emotionally intelligent women out there.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

DudeInProgress said:


> Then the problem is you. You need to stand up and start leading your marriage and stop being a passive man who allows himself to be controlled by his wife.
> 
> TELL your wife that you will be seeing your mother during the holidays. Either drive over for a day trip, or bring her back to your house for a couple days during the holidays.
> Figure out the logistics so that it works with the rest of your plans.
> ...


No, he's not the problem - that's how ABUSERS think, that the victim deserves it because they do not defend themselves properly from their constant barrage of boundary pushing. The only way to deal with emotionally stupid people like that is to have nothing to do with them. 
SHE is very obviously the PROBLEM.


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