# Engaged & very little sex



## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

I have spent the last two or three hours reading and skimming around here, and I have to say there is a lot to be learned here. I see people with similar issues as myself, but I still feel the need to post about myself. It feels good to share sometimes, weight off the shoulders etc.

Going to try to keep the back story and everything o follow as short as possible.

I was introduced to a girl around the end of 2011. Next year we are getting married around the end of summer/autumn. She was from the opposite coast, and it was Long distance at first. We met a lot via expensive travels. For the first few weeks I was just humoring my friends, but I really did fall for her after a while. Obviously haha.

I am a 28 year old Male, and had been preoccupied with work, family, and silliness like "finding myself" after college and had not been in a relationship for about 5 years or so up until the time we met. A lot of it was me never meeting anyone i could get into. I wanted a relationship not a fling.

She is 30 now, and when we met, was coming out of a 5 year relationship. 2 years into that the guy wanted to leave her and see other people, but she kept their relationship going for another 3 years or so roughly. Eventually they signed a 1 year lease together, and almost immediately it fell apart for them. about 6 months after they moved in together he was seeing other people till he found a new g/f. 

While he was pursuing his interests in that final few months, she still slept with him a few times, in what she called an open relationship. But to be honest, it stopped being a relationship almost as soon as they moved in together. She was too stubborn to admit that failure. That is my opinion anyway. previous to those few mentioned times, they hadn't had sex since before moving in together. 

I was told it was without any intimacy, and as said, pretty much just for his sake. To help keep the peace and ease all the tension at the time. I'll be honest, and say this definitely disgusted me when I found out.

This was all going on for about three months, then she met me and I found out about it after a few weeks. I asked her to stop, but not for me. I felt it was genuinely damaging to her psychologically.* Why have sex with someone without any emotion or basically any involvement outside of being a hole, while this guy is a pig sleeping around town because they said you were not good enough? Someone who has made it known he no longer wishes to be with you at all, has great desire for others, but still takes you anyway?* I told her it was very weak behavior, and she needed to free herself of that whole situation. I remember when he found out she was kinda seeing me, and asked her to stop. LOL mighty big balls to make that demand while doing the things he was. She flipped out at him.

She was actually relieved with how well I took all that. At this point it was kind of a big blow to me, but I got over it quick enough, never got mad at her or anything. But she stopped doing anything with him right away, and really just kept him away from her. It was about a month and a half later that he moved out and it was all just done with. a big burden removed from her

To reiterate quickly the above was all mostly within the first month we knew each other. 

So yeah thats a lot to lay down right there before getting into more. but after being involved for another 5 months we got our own place together after her lease was up. and another 6 or so after that I proposed, because I love her, and can't imagine being with anyone else.

after all that happened we met each other several times. So it was actually a few months before we had sex the first time during our first meeting. This first time we tried, it had been years since I had sex, and a lot of nervousness turned into a little bit of ED. She thought it was all her, became upset, and mad, but we just let it be and all was fine by the end of that week. In fact we kept it going and as I said above we moved in together. dropped big cash to move her across the country.

So this leads us right up to the current day. I feel the above is necessary as this relationship didn't start off as most generally do, and some of that information might help with anyone commentary.

When she first got here she was a little bit depressed at leaving all her friends and everything she knows behind, but I know she feels no regret in the decision to move. BUT I do. This sadness of her was horrible for our sex life. Everything was fine till she moved out here last summer. The first month in our new place there was no sex. Then one day there was a good 2 week stretch with it happening every 2 or 3 days. Those were good times. but since then it is very sparse. By the end of last year it was very periodic. to sum up I guess maybe once or twice a month if that. And since the start of 2013 it was been maybe 4 or 5 times.

Her sadness/depression comes and goes, doesn't always last long. no more than a few days or week. And pretty spread out too, not more than one a month or two. So that is not the only issue. She also said that in some ways, she was not entirely over the last guy. but after a 5 year relationship, then like 9 month hell, I guess thats partly expected. But then we had that 2 week stint I mentioned above and I never heard his name since with very few expections.

She works full time, and is generally stressed when she comes from work. it might be a good day, but at the very end of her shift, someone ruins it all by being a jackass. She is sales support, so lots of angry customers.

She isn't super happy with how she looks, she put on some weight before I met her from a birth control pill she no longer takes. It turned her from a super thing twig into curvy and sexy if you ask me, and she is very attractive.. but hey, I'm not going to try to understand someones mind and their thoughts on themselves in that regard. To her its being fat I guess, even though it is nowhere close. So generally she doesn't like me making comments about her no matter how nice they might be.

Physical contact and basic affection is normal I guess.

So Yeah I guess all i have is, work stress, location depression, and body/mind issues. any of the above can and will work against me.

She has a few times made it known that she was only having sex with me because she feels bad when it goes like that for weeks or a month without any. And its purely for me. To be honest that makes it feel pretty cheap, but Hey.. I'll take what I can get right now. sure beats nothing.

And I guess lastly, a bit of alcohol can get her real touchy feelly, as well as horny. But she is what we call a "2 beer queer" and a little too much will either get her sick, or make her really sleepy. 

Those nights we drive home from a bar and I know she wants it... but then we get home and she passes out or is throwing up... FML

oh yeah, something that doesn't help. when she gets home from work, she typically strips down immediately and either takes a shower, or its just a pajama shirt and panties. thats just evil mind games. It is not intentional, just what she does and has always done. But good god does that suck. It awful having it right there and knowing its not gonna happen. I can't change this either. she is just comfortable that way.

So yeah thats it I guess. I'm just looking for advice and direction. I wouldn't call her LD, but I would love to know how to increase drive. I also am wondering for ways to really sit down and talk about all this without it being a bad thign or argument of some kind. We have spoken about it twice before, and it is never a bad conversation, but nothing much is resolved.

I just wants more sex, even just once a week would be great. Any help and thoughts are greatly appreciated. I know I wrote a lot, so thank you for reading. I got in as much as I could. I am sure I didn't think of everything. So I will answer any questions I can that will help.

Thanks again for reading, and any help & advice.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> Her sadness/depression comes and goes, doesn't always last long. no more than a few days or week. And pretty spread out too, not more than one a month or two. So that is not the only issue. *She also said that in some ways, she was not entirely over the last guy*. but after a 5 year relationship, then like 9 month hell, I guess thats partly expected. But then we had that 2 week stint I mentioned above and I never heard his name since with very few expections.


I think that would be expected from someone who is not over their last relationship and is not completely into the one she is in. This is a pretty big red flag here. This is the honeymoon phase where the sex is supposed to be good and often, not pity and infrequent.

Honestly, I think this could be a very good indicator of what is to come and will likely get worse. I am not saying for sure that it will, but the odds are stacked against you.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I get the impression that regardless of what people here advise you to do you're going to double down and enter a sexless marriage anyway.


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I think that would be expected from someone who is not over their last relationship and is not completely into the one she is in. This is a pretty big red flag here. This is the honeymoon phase where the sex is supposed to be good and often, not pity and infrequent.
> 
> Honestly, I think this could be a very good indicator of what is to come and will likely get worse. I am not saying for sure that it will, but the odds are stacked against you.



Yeah that was not fun to be told, but thats a year ago now. When Sex does happen it is always good as well, very intimate and so forth. Sex is really about our only issue. we both are terrible at doing the dishes, and thats about the only mainstay argument of any sorts. and its no that bad lol

That guy was also her only longterm b/f ever, so I can see a lot of the emotional stress from that being bad.

I remember breaking up with y first girl, it was pretty awful for a while.

One thing I hope to help in the future is moving back to her home state in years to come. its the plan anyway.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the impression that regardless of what people here advise you to do you're going to double down and enter a sexless marriage anyway.


I have that feeling as well. He's already OK with being plan B from the get go...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I'm sorry, why are you getting married??

This is not the foundation for a good marriage. Put that chit on hold...maybe get to know the person before you agree to walk down the aisle with them.

Marriage doesn't make your problems go away...it compounds them and creates a whole set of new ones. You two are not ready for that.


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I get the impression that regardless of what people here advise you to do you're going to double down and enter a sexless marriage anyway.


regardless of sex, I still love her and I can deal with it without much issue, I would just prefer not to. I am not ultra HD, but certainly not low either.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is what you call the honeymoon phase. You'll look back on these days as the best it ever was.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Optimus Prime...You may not be ultra HD, but you also have no idea (assuming you were never married before, from your story) how horrible a divorce in your future might be. Why invite one by marrying her?

Love can't fix this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> She has a few times made it known that *she was only having sex with me because she feels bad *when it goes like that for weeks or a month without any. And its purely for me. *To be honest that makes it feel pretty cheap*, but Hey.. I'll take what I can get right now. sure beats nothing.





Optimus Prime said:


> Yeah that was not fun to be told, but thats a year ago now. *When Sex does happen it is always good as well*, very intimate and so forth. Sex is really about our only issue. we both are terrible at doing the dishes, and thats about the only mainstay argument of any sorts. and its no that bad lol
> 
> That guy was also her only longterm b/f ever, so I can see a lot of the emotional stress from that being bad.
> 
> ...


Those two things don't really add up. Pity sex at this stage is not good and will likely never get better.

She jumped right into a relationship with you before her other one abusive and difficult one was ended. That is not a good way to start building a strong foundation for a marriage, and then throw in the sex problems and you are in for a miserable marriage.


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> I have that feeling as well. He's already OK with being plan B from the get go...



See I was afraid of getting too much into her past. Didn't expect any of it to sound good in anyones favor. But I am certainly not Plan B



tulsy said:


> I'm sorry, why are you getting married??
> 
> This is not the foundation for a good marriage. Put that chit on hold...maybe get to know the person before you agree to walk down the aisle with them.
> 
> Marriage doesn't make your problems go away...it compounds them and creates a whole set of new ones. You two are not ready for that.


Simply put, sex aside, we clicked very well, get along rather excellent outside of dish washing skirmishes as I said. And we have similar goals and interests while having different personalities. We both like to get out, go on trips, go to conventions and cosplay, play games and so on. Either of us wants children, and we simply enjoy our time together.

Sex isn't everything, but it is not nothing. I don't think that will be the only key factor of the relationship.

and with us having no desire for children, if it doesn't work out down the road, then that is certainly an easier split. But I don't think that will happen.

Everyone who knows us thinks we are great, not one person has had anything bad to say about us as a couple, and this is both our families as well as friends.


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Those two things don't really add up. Pity sex at this stage is not good and will likely never get better.
> 
> She jumped right into a relationship with you before her other one abusive and difficult one was ended. That is not a good way to start building a strong foundation for a marriage, and then throw in the sex problems and you are in for a miserable marriage.


She always describes it as not being in the mood right now if I were to ask or try and initiate anything. Sometimes said just too tired or stressed from work, or sometimes she just wants to relax and watch a tv show uninterrupted.

I am not sure if I would call it full on pity sex. It is definitely something she is doing that she otherwise would not choose to, but nonetheless it is just so I don't go crazy. She gets right into it with me in those few moments. It's really something of a half smile/grin and then "if you really want it sure why not, lets have some sex"

Never really had that experience before, so to me its not quite pity sex. But I don't suppose it is much different.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

We only have what you say here to go on, and some of the things you have presented are HUGE problems whether you want to see them that way or not. Many of us here have been through sexless marriages and can tell you first hand...they are miserable. If you are in the honeymoon phase and are not having enough sex, and the sex you are having is mainly pity sex that makes you feel cheap, it will almost certainly NOT get better. 

Were you coming here looking for a quick fix to this? If so, you are sure to be disappointed because the issues here run very deep and the lack of sex is just a symptom.

We are just a group of anonymous people on the internet with absolutely no vested interest in you or your relationship. We have no emotional reasons for you to succeed or fail. We however are honest, caring and empathetic towards you because we have been there dude. We are giving you unbiased straight forward advice from our many hard learned lessons. We do want to help you, but you have to be open to it.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> She always describes it as not being in the mood right now if I were to ask or try and initiate anything. Sometimes said just too tired or stressed from work, or sometimes she just wants to relax and watch a tv show uninterrupted.
> 
> I am not sure if I would call it full on pity sex. It is definitely something she is doing that she otherwise would not choose to, but nonetheless it is just so I don't go crazy. She gets right into it with me in those few moments. It's really something of a half smile/grin and then "if you really want it sure why not, lets have some sex"
> 
> Never really had that experience before, so to me its not quite pity sex. But I don't suppose it is much different.


I have been with my SO for almost a year now. We have fantastic sex 7-10 times per week and often more. Over the past three months, the frequency has actually increased beyond that. She initiates as much as I do. In that time, I have turned her down twice, she has turned me down once. Each time because we were actually very ill, and a definite rain check was given. That is what the honeymoon period SHOULD be like.


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> We only have what you say here to go on, and some of the things you have presented are HUGE problems whether you want to see them that way or not. Many of us here have been through sexless marriages and can tell you first hand...they are miserable. If you are in the honeymoon phase and are not having enough sex, and the sex you are having is mainly pity sex that makes you feel cheap, it will almost certainly NOT get better.
> 
> Were you coming here looking for a quick fix to this? If so, you are sure to be disappointed because the issues here run very deep and the lack of sex is just a symptom.
> 
> We are just a group of anonymous people on the internet with absolutely no vested interest in you or your relationship. We have no emotional reasons for you to succeed or fail. We however are honest, caring and empathetic towards you because we have been there dude. We are giving you unbiased straight forward advice from our many hard learned lessons. We do want to help you, but you have to be open to it.


I hope I don't come off as any sort of dismissive or stubborn, I just want to get my facts out so I can get any sort of helpful commentary and advice. 

I just have a hard imagining us both miserable in the future.

I have seen a lot of sour relationships in the past. some start to finish, others part way till the bitter end. I have seen two of my uncles, as well as my own parents go through divorce, I have seen another uncle in a terrible marriage for the last 20 years. Then my friends in whatever situation.

I suspect some of her issues to be overcome with nothing but time and envision a better future as far as sex life goes. I don't expect anything immediate, but anything that can help speed things up is what I am after.

telling me I have red flags, isn't really what I want. I know there are flag like things at hand, but that doesn't mean they are all bad or dooming. She just is unfortunate with her past experiences.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It sounds to me like she's just not that into you. You're the safe choice possibly. In any case, most people here are going to tell you not to get married to someone you're not compatible with. It will be a big mistake that is hard to undo. You don't think it's a big deal now, but eventually it will start eating away at you and you'll both be miserable. 

You want to speed up any possible improvements? Well one thing that will do that is to call off the engagement. Let her know that you aren't happy the way things are and that you want to pull back unless they improve. That will probably get a month or 2 of "good behavior" out of her before she turns back to her regular self. She probably thinks you are a "sure thing" and she doesn't have to try. Do you reinforce those thoughts in her?

Question, do you "reward" her bad behavior? Do you cook and do the dishes when she ignores you sexually? Do you do more than your fair share of the housework?

Are you attractive? Active, fit, decent job, good looking? Do other women flirt with you, at least occasionally?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> I hope I don't come off as any sort of dismissive or stubborn, I just want to get my facts out so I can get any sort of helpful commentary and advice.
> 
> *I just have a hard imagining us both miserable in the future.*


None of the divorced and miserable people imagined it either.



> I have seen a lot of sour relationships in the past. some start to finish, others part way till the bitter end. I have seen two of my uncles, as well as my own parents go through divorce, I have seen another uncle in a terrible marriage for the last 20 years. Then my friends in whatever situation.
> 
> I suspect some of her issues to be overcome with nothing but time and envision a better future as far as sex life goes. I don't expect anything immediate, but anything that can help speed things up is what I am after.
> 
> *telling me I have red flags, isn't really what I want*. I know there are flag like things at hand, but that doesn't mean they are all bad or dooming. She just is unfortunate with her past experiences.


I'm sure it's not. Ignoring them doesn't help either.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I suspect some of her issues to be overcome with nothing but time and envision a better future as far as sex life goes. I don't expect anything immediate, but anything that can help speed things up is what I am after."


Ok here is how to speed things up:

1. Face the FACT that your naive attitude (as shown in the above quote) is incorrect. Do NOT envision a better future as far as sex goes or you will be sorry. Instead, please envision a divorce.

2. Tell your fiance that you are sorry but you can't commit to a sexless marriage.

IF YOU DO THESE TWO THINGS, you MIGHT actually change things around...but most likely, you won't do them and things will stay the same and you'll end up divorced.

Look - you only have a 50/50 chance of not being divorced anyway.

Why would you ignore information that might save you from one?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> I suspect some of her issues to be overcome with nothing but time and envision a better future as far as sex life goes.


Magical thinking.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You could try reading up on the "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". But I'm with the others... This is your honeymoon period, and it's only going to get worse from here. If there was a sure-fire fix, someone would get rich selling that book. Read through the postings in this area, and see how many people have solved their HD/LD issues. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> It sounds to me like she's just not that into you. You're the safe choice possibly. In any case, most people here are going to tell you not to get married to someone you're not compatible with. It will be a big mistake that is hard to undo. You don't think it's a big deal now, but eventually it will start eating away at you and you'll both be miserable.


I've seen several divorces and such go down, I know its not pretty. Certainly nothing I wish to have happen. But would you say compatibility and such are entirely reliant on sex? 



> You want to speed up any possible improvements? Well one thing that will do that is to call off the engagement. Let her know that you aren't happy the way things are and that you want to pull back unless they improve. That will probably get a month or 2 of "good behavior" out of her before she turns back to her regular self. She probably thinks you are a "sure thing" and she doesn't have to try. Do you reinforce those thoughts in her?


I thought about that option, false claim to get her more motivated sexually, but I am afraid that might depress her actually, give her doubt she doesn't need piled on top of other issues.



> Question, do you "reward" her bad behavior? Do you cook and do the dishes when she ignores you sexually? Do you do more than your fair share of the housework?


we split up housework between us fairly even. the dishes we both just get lazy about, we might do them 2 to 3 days after we should have from the get go. and nobody likes smelly dishes.. hence the only real arguments ever. we both cook for ourselves, but seeing as how I had at one point considered culinary school I do more of the cooking as I enjoy it.



> Are you attractive? Active, fit, decent job, good looking? Do other women flirt with you, at least occasionally?


I'd figure I am at bare minimum a 7, maybe 8 as far as facial looks. otherwise I am fairly fit. I worked in finish construction through most of college and afterwards as side work with a family business. kept me in pretty good shape. I am by no means all jacked up however. but she likes me slimmer in any case, she dislikes anyone who is too beefy.

I don't have women flirting with me regularly, but it is not uncommon either. I kid around a lot with people, so sometimes it gets mixed up in that. and other times its just whoever making a comment to me.



samyeagar said:


> I'm sure it's not. Ignoring them doesn't help either.


If I was fully ignoring it, I wouldn't be here


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "I suspect some of her issues to be overcome with nothing but time and envision a better future as far as sex life goes. I don't expect anything immediate, but anything that can help speed things up is what I am after."
> 
> 
> Ok here is how to speed things up:
> ...


I looked around on for a few brief hours before making my post but seeing the post counts some of you have I can see you are far from new here.

by a guesstimate ratio, how many people here are this miserable vs. just seeking answers of another kind?



PBear said:


> You could try reading up on the "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". But I'm with the others... This is your honeymoon period, and it's only going to get worse from here. If there was a sure-fire fix, someone would get rich selling that book. Read through the postings in this area, and see how many people have solved their HD/LD issues.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'll have to look into that book. I see it on Amazon, but would I expect to find it in a store such as Barnes & Noble as well?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> I've seen several divorces and such go down, I know its not pretty. Certainly nothing I wish to have happen. But would you say compatibility and such are entirely reliant on sex?
> *
> That's a loaded question. Of course not. But as the old saying goes, if it's good then it's 10%, if it's bad it's 90%.*
> 
> ...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Sex is what seperates a marriage from any other relationship, so I would say that sexual satisfaction is the cornerstone of the marriage. 

What that satisfaction level is is up to the individual couple to determine for them selves. That satisfaction level will ebb and flow through time, but if one partner feels it is lacking, resentment will build and other things will start to become bigger issues, and the entire thing will begin to crumble.

If you are feeling that imbalance now, it will only get worse.

As far as what WorkingOnMe said about calling off the engagement, I think you were very revealing in your though process in how you responded. WorkingOnMe did not in any way shape or form suggest making a false claim. It is a very real and serious claim that you need to be prepared to go through with. 

Are you willing to end this relationship if you are not happy with the direction it is going?


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## Optimus Prime (Jun 5, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Who said anything about a "false" claim?


If I said anything about the engagement off, it would be a false claim from me, it snot what I would want. So If I tried saying that it is a false claim.




samyeagar said:


> Sex is what seperates a marriage from any other relationship, so I would say that sexual satisfaction is the cornerstone of the marriage.
> 
> What that satisfaction level is is up to the individual couple to determine for them selves. That satisfaction level will ebb and flow through time, but if one partner feels it is lacking, resentment will build and other things will start to become bigger issues, and the entire thing will begin to crumble.
> 
> ...


I somewhat misunderstood him, but I clarified my intention in the quote above.

And I am not unhappy with anything really, I just want more sex. if there is anything I am unhappy with it's the hot weather right now and my air conditioner that broke this morning.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Optimus Prime said:


> regardless of sex, I still love her and I can deal with it without much issue, I would just prefer not to.


A couple of decades down the road, you'll realize your youth is long gone. There are not words to describe how bitter and malignant the pool of resentment will be at that point.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Optimus Prime said:


> If I said anything about the engagement off, it would be a false claim from me, it snot what I would want. So If I tried saying that it is a false claim.
> 
> 
> I somewhat misunderstood him, but I clarified my intention in the quote above.
> ...


Do not bluff. When she calls you on it you will lose all respect and credibility.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Optimus....Here is a post that is very much like a glimpse into your own possible future...we get dozens of posts almost exactly like this weekly.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/84329-married-bore-bed.html


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

This is the time when she should want to be boinking your brains out, and vice versa. It sounds like, if she has no medical issues that are lowering her drive, she just isn't that into you. She might love you very much, but she's not sexually into you. Are you sure you want to marry her if nothing ever changes?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

::Voice from your future speaking::

It does not got better unless she is willing to compromise. 

True story.

Btw, love Optimus Prime. Best Transformer ever.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You have to ask yoursef is this the life you want for another 50 years? Is this the life you want?

Very few relationships become sexless this early on.... Your chances of a sexually fulfilling marriage are very slim. That is your primary need within marriage as a man, so by extension your marriage will unfullfilling and by extension your life will be unfulfilling.

Here is what you have working against you:

-- Cohabitation - studies show marriages are less successful whent here was cohabiation occuring prior ot marriage.
-- Her sexual past. Is sex a loving connection to her? Or is sex a vile act of a man using a woman for self gratification
-- You have this going on and you have maintained the engagment. A woman cannot respect a man who puts his needs to the back of the line.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Optimus Prime said:


> So yeah thats it I guess. I'm just looking for advice and direction. I wouldn't call her LD, but I would love to know how to increase drive. I also am wondering for ways to really sit down and talk about all this without it being a bad thign or argument of some kind. We have spoken about it twice before, and it is never a bad conversation, but nothing much is resolved.


In the two times you spoke to her, how did the conversation go? Did you bring the issue up hoping to discuss it with her, or did it just come up as part of another conversation?

The reason I ask is that I'd like to know what her views on sex in a relationship are AND what role sexuality plays in her self identity. Does she enjoy sex physically? Does she masturbate? Does she enjoy eroticism or sensuality? What sort of a lover is she she? Reserved? Adventurous? 

Do not underestimate the importance of sexual compatibility in a marriage. Many of the responses you've received here have stressed this, causing you to back pedal and claim that it's not that important to you. But, dude: if her walking around in her pj top and panties is sexually distracting to you on a regular basis, _then it is important. _

I'd say you ARE in the honeymoon period--emotionally. That will level off, and when it does resentment is going to come knocking.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

If you've been lurking around here at TAM a while, you'll see the dozens upon dozens of posts from people whose marriages are threatened or end because of their lousy or non-existent sex lives. I know that with your great compatibility, you can't believe that this is a deal-breaker, and you try to downplay the importance of it, because she is such a great girl, but what is starting as a nagging feeling that you wish sex was better, but you think you can adapt, might become a bigger and bigger focus in your life taking up more and more negative mind space. Your resentment might grow and the deep love and compatibility you feel now might morph into something else. 

It's only because I've read about it here so often that I understand that this is a cause of failed marriages. You've talked about it twice. It's time to lay your cards on the table and talk about it again. Discuss your concerns.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

She had a really bad ex.......you saved her.

She's had no time to get her ex out of her system, be herself, heal and have space to grow yet.

You are a re-bound bf.

Marrying her at this point would be a big mistake.

You can't fix her.

She has to deal with her past and heal on her own, on her own terms and time frame.

If you go ahead and marry her anyway, don't say we didn't warn you.


Way back, I had an ex gf that had a bad ex bf. They broke up and we started dating soon afterwards. I bought her a promise ring and we were talking about getting engaged. People were telling me, you are her re-bound guy and that I treat her like a queen, etc. She started seeing her ex again, I found out, she dumped me, I need space.......her parents found out and gave her to the end of the month to get out of their house. They really liked me and weren't impressed with their daughter. Then she eventually broke up with him for good and married her friend's younger brother (5+ years younger). She was 25, he was 20 or 19.

Long story short, never date and get married to a woman who has recently broke up with a bad ex bf. She needs to spread her wings, heal, time to herself and then she'll be ready to date and get married.

And when just dating and starting to get serious, most couples would be having insane sex all the time and almost every day. If you aren't experiencing this with her, and have concerns already, red flag. She will not get magically better just because you might get married.

HD + LD usually doesn't work and cheating occurs with divorce. Or the HD spouse gives up and kills their sex drive for the LD spouse. Happy with that prospect?

Hope you really think this one through and I wish you the best.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

2 people in a relationship have sex and most of the time a lot of it in the beginning! 

Being in a sexless marriage/relationship is complete hell. 

I would not marry her!

I would talk to her and see what happens


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