# Says he wants to be alone; I think he is cheating



## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

briefly; been together 10 years, married 4 we have 3 children, two are just a few months old (twins)

We've had our problems and I accept I've neglected the relationship, I accept some responsibility for our relationship not being as good as it could have been. 

So I went out of town we had bad news about our child. I told h and he came home. i was stuck out of town as child was getting treatment. H made lots of effort to reassure me, I didnt appreciate it I was engulfed by in effect grief, H offered no emotional support and was awful to me, going out as i was wallowing in misery (his words) etc etc. he became so awful I told him to move out or I would. His friend arranged a place to stay for him (with OW). 

He started saying he was done with us and had been unhappy for ages and does not want this life but wants to be alone (rewrote our history in his own mind) says he would never have left but I suggested it and he liked it. He emotionally disconected but says he loves me but is struggling to cope with everything and wants to be alone but can't leave me with everything so feels he should come back. However, I know he is having significant phone contact with OW whilst he is working. he is pretty much ignoring me, no phone contact, very little skype etc, I am doing the running. 

I think because of what happened I did not meet his emotional needs and OW now is (she knows about our child, but she is single and not my problem). 

So far I have made an effort to look good, lose weight. He noticed and made positive comments but is still distant and not affectionate or loving. It's been less than two months from start to where we are now. I know he can not have any physical contact with her for just over 12 weeks (or me) as he is working. 

I want to save my marriage, He is emotionally needy so I dont think my ignoring him will help?. I dont know if they became physical I could ask a friend but whats the point?, I did ask him and he got angry.

So any and all advice appreciated. What shoiuld I be doing? or am i being paranoid?

x


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

Hi faithful, how do you know about OW? If so, you've answered your own question...yes he is cheating. Saying he needs space is classic cheater talk to spend time with the OW.
You already said a friend helped him move in with her?

Others will advise but if you do want to save the marriage, look up 'the 180' and follow the rules. If she is single, there's no husband or bf to expose to. Also get yourself advice from a lawyer asap


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

This is part of the cheater script. He has mentally re-written the marital history to justify the affair in his mind. The fact that he was moved out to be with the OW is obvious this has been a PA for a long time now.

Start the D papers and if the OW is married, expose the affair to her husband or boyfriend. Since the affair has progressed to this point, then full exposure is necessary and then start the D process. The only way now is to let him face the consequences and reality. Sorry it had to come to this, but you have to be able to let him go in order to have a chance. Once he sees you letting go of him and moving on, he may come out of the fog if he sees you're no longer the safe haven or back up plan.


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## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

Thanks for your reply, I didnt explain very well. he stayed there for about 10 days then came back home ( I guilted him into coming back) and he brought his stuff back here, initially he was open about her saying she was nice but nothing aroused my suspicions. I think he saw her a couple of time after he came back, he had the opportunity to. Whilst back he was different more doubtful of us and saying he just felt like giving in but was trying to do the right thing. But whilst here I have seen from the bill he was calling her some and texting her but not lots. 

I know about the significant contact since he left for work as the phone bills came in. I told him i knew about the texts so I suspect they will stop and I don't doubt they will communicate another way. Phone calls he would have made from office phone and I dont know if he has called her. I casually asked him before the bill came in if he'd heard from her and he said not much, the phone bills show her texting him multiple times a day since he left for work. Now he knows I've seen the bill I suspect the texts will abruptly stop.

I just don't know what to think; I just want my family back but he has not committed to wanting to be with me. I dont want him out of obligation I want him to want to be here. At this point I have no idea if he is returning to our home or not. 

I will look up the 180 thank you for your help, I appreciate it.

x


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Then tell him he ONLY has 2 choices:


Commit to the marriage 100%
He leaves to be with her

None of this wanting sitting on the fence like he's been doing. He must go completely NC. Most likely its underground. You're noticing that the contact is less than before. This means NOTHING. Because ANY contact means the affair is still on.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

It's a horrible situation, I understand, and your reactions and emotions at this stage will be hard to manage but the 180 is a great plan to try and implement right now. Lordmayhem is right, he has two options only. You will want him to stay so read up the 180 that I've pasted below:
180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. 180 makes you look and feel strong. 
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. 
2. No frequent phone calls. 
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. 
4. Don't follow her/him around the house. 
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. 
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. 
7. Don't ask for reassurances. 
8. Don't buy or give gifts. 
9. Don't schedule dates together. 
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. 
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! 
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. 
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! 
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! 
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. 
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them! 
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available, for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. 
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. 
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! 
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! 
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic. 
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! 
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! 
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. 
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. 
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. 
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. 
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. 
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! 
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. 
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" 
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. 
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

Many thanks for your advice. 

x


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