# I may have ruined everything



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

I've been married to my soul mate for 7 yr's and we have two beautiful boys.

This weekend she caught me kissing another woman and telling her that I loved her (I don't). She listened to us for 15 minutes getting it on. Me telling her how much I wanted her. When she caught us I got defensive and brought up old stuff. I must have been trying to divert the blame.

She is devastated but I think she wants to forgive me. She's the only one I ever loved and ever will.

I'm struggling to cope at the moment but I'm going to an AA meeting tonight and I'm going to get counselling. I need to address my own issues. I don't love the other woman.


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

I've never been more frightened. I've never felt this way. I'm utterly bereft


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

I'd be grateful for some advice


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Were you intoxicated? Was this at a party or something? Is she friends with this woman?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

SE2015 said:


> I don't love the other woman.


Then why the heck did you kiss her and "get it on" with her when you're MARRIED to your soul mate? Were you drunk?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The obvious place to start would be to stop kissing other women and telling them you love them.

If you wife is, indeed, your soulmate, why were you with someone else? 'Cause if you can't convince us, you will never convince your wife


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your first order of business is to ascertain why you did what you did. Not "I guess" or "I think" or "maybe I"' none of that. If you cannot identify why you did it then how can you ever put a stop to it? You must do some serious, grown up soul searching and discover the truth. Then you can approach your wife and beg for forgiveness but not until you have the assurance that you know how to fix yourself. When I hear people say "I don't know why I did it" it causes me angst. If true, then those people are acting without cognizance and that is dangerous to yourself and others. So, FIGURE OUT WHY YOU DID IT and then move forward to correct the situation. And pray your wife can understand and accept your transformation.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You said that you have been married for 7 years and have two children. Have many times have you kissed and pursued other women? Has your wife caught you before. I speculate that your behavior is a serial one.

You need to see a marriage counselor. Your wife needs to heal. Whether she decides to stay with you or not, she needs some closure. It must have been very painful for her to hear you say all those lies to the other woman. When you said you were "getting on" for 15 minutes, did you have sex with the other woman? What situation were you caught in?


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

Yes I was intoxicated. I'm going to an AA meeting tonight


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

I've never kissed another woman before. We've done things together with other couples consensual. That's how this thing began


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

Kissing and groping. No sex


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I guess you know that you should never drink again right???? 

You have proven you have zero impulse control, add drinks, and your odds of behaving in a responsible manner drop to zero........

Is this really your first transgression, or your first time being caught?...

If you had listened to your wife in a 15 grunt and groan session with some random stud how willing would you be to forgive and forget?

I guess what I am trying to say is.....If your wife was a friend of mine, I would be hard pressed to ask her to take you back....

Is it in the best interest of your wife and kid to continue the marriage? So far I do not see a lot in your favor......

You have a lot of convincing to do...


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

It is my first transgression. I have nothing to benefit from lieing on here. I know I've got an alcohol problem which is why I'm going to AA tonight.

I am an addictive personality and when drunk I become an awful person. I'm also going to get counselling to help me become a better husband and a better person.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Start with AA. Then find a good couples counselor to see if your wife can forgive you and you can both work through it.

You have done a lot of damage. Obviously your wife cannot "unhear" what she heard, but a counselor may be able to help you both move forward.

And obviously, stay away from the booze.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SE2015 (Nov 30, 2015)

Yes I would forgive her. I love her more than anything. I know I'm asking a lot but I believe she values our family and our relationship enough.

I need to get over myself and change and give her time and space.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

SE2015 said:


> Yes I would forgive her. *I love her more than anything.* I know I'm asking a lot but I believe she values our family and our relationship enough.
> 
> I need to get over myself and change and give her time and space.


Does this include alcohol and yourself?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, your life with her may be over or not, but changing the current you will affect your future and the possibility to be happy again some day.


In the end, you are responsible for setting yourself up for success again. Whether with her or not, those changes will increase the probability. All relationships are not guaranteed, so your focus and what you need to have fulfillment should stem from yourself first.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

SE2015 said:


> I've never kissed another woman before. We've done things together with other couples consensual. That's how this thing began


This "doing things together with other couples" - are you involved in a swinging lifestyle? If you are, you are playing with fire. It will only be a matter of time when you get burned!


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You might not love her but clearly you are attracted to her. Beer goggles as an excuse isn't going to fly with your wife if she has any self respect. You're a grown arse man, you need to own your choices.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop with the kissing, groping and whatever else you two have going on with other couples. How can you claim to love her more than anything and be her soulmate and watch her climbing all over other men? That's sick.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
do you have clearly agreed upon rules about what is and isn't OK regarding other people?

What was the situation where this happened that allowed you wife to watch / listen for 15 minutes?




SE2015 said:


> I've never kissed another woman before. We've done things together with other couples consensual. That's how this thing began


----------



## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

Once you introduce other couples or men or women into the marriage I think it reduces a partners culpability IMO. If she's upset you both should agree no more swinging good times and re-commit to each other as this stuff is inevitable under these circumstances. You should get a pass on this due to the wacky nature of your marriage.

If I pushed or OK'd my wife into swinging, I would only be pissed at myself if I caught her cheating.


----------



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Please grow up, please...DUDE


----------



## lifecolorful (Oct 5, 2015)

Glad to hear you're attending AA. 
One day at a time. 

Brace yourself. Your actions and there consequences are going to bring hell, and you will want to disappear into a bottle. Do NOT disappear into a bottle. Own up to what you did, sober.

You should invite your wife go with you to AA, and you should open up about what you did. You should apologize and own it. It was you standing there with the other woman, not some other man. It was you who chose to get drunk. 

Most important thing in your life from this point on: Stay sober.

You're wife will never trust you if you take to the bottle in the future.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

NoChoice said:


> When I hear people say "I don't know why I did it" it causes me angst. If true, then those people are acting without cognizance and that is dangerous to yourself and others.


Hahaha.... VERY good point.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

since you were drunk, you can now tell her you thought it was her you were kissing. You were drunk, you don't know who you were kissing. There was another woman there? My God honey, so sorry. I thought it was you.

Yea, some soulmate you are. Good luck.


----------

