# Torn between staying and leaving



## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

Hello - again 

It has been a month now since I came to the conclusion I don't want to leave.
I work hard on fixing our problems but I do not seem to have come too far so far. I believe my wife is trying as well, but I am not sure whether we move towards each other or at least in the same direction. But I know it takes time.

Now the really big problem I have is this. I am always torn between "I want to leave, I can't take it anymore" and the feeling that I cannot leave. 

The want to leave is strong. It is like an urge and I have to fight it daily - some days less, most days pretty hard. I feel trapped, restrained, held back in my development etc. (I know, all selfish egocentric reasons, but that's the way I feel)

The other thing is the feeling that I cannot leave. There are no "technical" restraints for me. In theory I could just leave, or not come back or whatever. But I cannot bring myself to cope with the notion of leaving my wife alone. Even though the "leave!"-side is so strong, it does not overpower the undefined "stay and do work it out"-side.

What does this mean?

Am I just a coward because I cannot face the truth?
Am I too selfish because I don't want to be the one who ruins another ones life?
Am I still bound to my wife by some feelings?

I just don't get it.

Regards

asdfjkl


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you're dealing with a couple of things. One is fear of the unknown that you'll have to face when you leave. Now, you at least know what to expect, even if it's unpleasant. I experienced this when I was deciding to leave my ex. However, in retrospect - and very, very soon after I did leave - the relief and immediate improvement in my life showed me that it was an irrational fear.

Second, you are not ruining her life any more than she is ruining yours, unless there is something one of you did that seriously harmed the marriage. As adults, you are responsible to yourselves, and to each other to make your lives mutually agreeable. If that isn't working, and there aren't clear changes that both can agree to pursuing to make that happen, then both your lives will likely be better sometime in the near future if you break up. You may only be prolonging misery for you both by staying.

You probably do retain some feelings for your wife - even if those are only feelings of duty. Those aren't easily dismissed, but they are not sufficient to maintain a healthy relationship.


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

Thank you for the reply

First: I do no think that I have fear of the unkown future. I would be able to be my true self and do what I think suits me best. I would love to have an assignment oversees, to travel to lots of places without any hinderance. I can see myself pretty happy in the future.
Only thing is I don't know if I will miss my wife or not. I tend more to the "not". But sometimes you don't want to stand alone on a beach at sundown. 
Okay, writing that, I do seem to be at least partially afraid 

Second: I will ruin her life. She is still deeply in love with me (I do not know exactly why, I would not like myself. I take care of her needs, bring the money home but I am a very self sufficient person that likes to keep his feelings enclosed, I do not care much about her, don't show a lot of interest in what she does ...)
If I leave, she says it's the end of her life - and I believe her. That brigns me to ...

... Third: Yes, there is some sentiment. But I am not sure what it is. When she is in distress because I leave for a few hours alone, or because I don't immidately text back, or I don't take a silly rebuke serious, then I just think nasty things.
I don't feel in love. I feel she is some part of me that belongs to me, without which I don't feel right.

In total, I think you touched some valid points.

One interesting/scary example of my feelings is this: She has some hypochondric tendencies. So every now and than she thinks she has cancer, is about to have a seizure or heart attack - anything deadly, you name it.
And what do I think: "Well, if you dropped dead now, I would be kind of sorry, but my problems would be solved. So why don't you have your heart attack?" I don't believe that counts as real love, does it?

On the other hand, I cannot deny her a lot because I can't stand her being sad.

That's just breathtakingly rediculess.

Regards

asdfjkl


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are not doing this woman any favours, you sound like you mightn't do any woman any favours as you are quite a cold fish. It might be hard for her but for her to live a life with a man that barely tolerates her is eventually going to destroy her. I think it is better you both move on, unless you think you can love her again.

what was it that made you marry her?


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

aine said:


> You are not doing this woman any favours, you sound like you mightn't do any woman any favours as you are quite a cold fish.


That thought occured to me as well. But she things I am doing her good. And I am afraid that if I'd leave, I would do her really harm her. I am very certain that she will be devestated more than you can imagine. I am - according to her - all there is in the world (and the children of course). She defines herself through other people, there is no real self esteem or self awareness. And it may very well be that I had been making this worse for the last 15+ years by always giving in to her fears and wants and putting my needs aside.



aine said:


> what was it that made you marry her?


I am not sure. I guess a mixture of romantic ideal and a feeling of responsiblity. Back then, we had fun. But maybe i simply was too young and unexperienced. I'll never know. 

Regards

asdfjkl


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

You're not alone, my friend. I probably stayed - and got back with W after she dumped me - half out of eeling sorry for her and not wanting to hurt her. I too was very young and didn't know any better.

I got a great deal though - a high quality, smart, caring, thoughtful, hard working, sweet, capable, genuine, loving life partner. For the wrong reasons and I probably didn't value what she had to offer that much (versus some hot slu*ty curvy mess I would have picked on my own).

I often say left to my own devices I'd be supporting 3 blond booby bimbos and bar flies by now.

So... you're not that kid anymore. You know right from wrong. You know she has self esteem issues. Get her some help and look in the mirror and realize it will take hard work to get her and you and your relationship on a proper footing. Then the decision to leave or stay will be easier. Fix things first and get started today. Untangle your feelings and actions and desires from hers and build up 2 competent, independent, whole people.


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

Thanks.
That's easier said than done.

I know I have issues which I cannot solve all by myself. That's why I got myself a therapist.
My wife know she has issues but denies that she needs outside help. She refuses personal councelling as well as visiting a councellor together.
She insists on solving things alone and is frustrated by all the tension, misunderstandings and setbacks.
I don't know how I can help her. The only thing is, as you said, sort my mess out first while staying and trying to mend things or at least hold them together as long as it takes for me to know how to resolve my problems. That's the only thing I can do right now. 

ON my first session last week, the councellor was pretty amazed as to how deeply I have analyzed my problems. She already suggested which ones to tackle first. That is promising.

But still, I am torn because I don't know yet what I truly, deeply need. 


regards

asdfjkl


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Is it possible to try and bring the fun back into your marriage, with kids and life's responsibilities couples forget each other and why they came together in the first place. Do some things together alone without the kids, rediscover each other?


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## asdfjkl (Sep 26, 2015)

Thanks for the suggestions.
We are already doing this.
We had been on a hiking weekend, been to the movies, go for walks in the evening ...

But I don't feel getting any closer to my wife. She is still deeply in love but I am more or less completely detached. The idea of spending a day of vacation together is repelling. In the end, we usually have some kind of fun but continously watching out to prevent any misunderstandings is just dragging everything down.

I know it's gonna be hard to work it out. But that hard?

Regards

asdfjkl


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