# Husband never asks my opinion



## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

I want to start this by saying that other than this one issue I am in a very happy, loving, satisfactory marriage of 20+ years. However I think hitting my 45th birthday has triggered some introspection and I'm looking back on all the things in my life that I wish had been different. And finding myself resenting my husband because over the years most of those things I wish had been different, were the way they were because he decided that's the way they should be - without ever consulting me or asking my opinion. It's depressing to realize that I've reached a major milestone birthday and I've never accomplished any of the dreams of my youth even though I still have some of them. And I know if I tell him I'd like a chance to maybe pursue one or two of them again, he'll find some way to discourage me or stop me completely just as he always has in the past.

I'd like to find a way to change our existing dynamic so that I don't always give in to him, but I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how. If I try to tell him how I feel he just convinces me that his way is better both for me and for us. But here I am probably more than halfway through my life and only just realizing that I'm not happy with the results of having always given in to his "superior" opinions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Come up with a list of things you want to do. Hand it to him, tell him you are doing at least one of those and it is non negotiable, but would like to get his input. You must be willing to hold your ground.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are the things that you want to do that you think he will try to talk you out of?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What are the things that you want to do that you think he will try to talk you out of?


Hopefully Open Marriage isn't one of the items on the list :surprise:


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

The thing is, the thing I want the most is to follow the professional career I originally went to school for, rather than just having a job that gives me a little spending money. My husband was raised in a family where women didn't work outside the home (yes I know it's old fashioned and outdated) and he still believes that. He gets VERY upset every time I suggest taking up my old career interests.

Most of the rest of the things I'd like to change, it's just too late. I'm too old to have kids. We have a "nice" house and 2 "nice" cars even though he never gave me any input on their purchases and I don't actually like any of them. He has a bass boat and and Harley that he bought without consulting me but I can't have a baby grand because he doesn't think I need it. Like he NEEDS a bass boat or a bike. I'd like to travel internationally and we can easily afford it but he's not interested. We haven't taken a real, away from home overnight vacation in years - he just cashes out his vacation time every December.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GreyEcho (Sep 28, 2016)

Has he asked in the past for your input?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FiddleMeThis said:


> The thing is, the thing I want the most is to follow the professional career I originally went to school for, rather than just having a job that gives me a little spending money. My husband was raised in a family where women didn't work outside the home (yes I know it's old fashioned and outdated) and he still believes that. He gets VERY upset every time I suggest taking up my old career interests.
> 
> Most of the rest of the things I'd like to change, it's just too late. I'm too old to have kids. We have a "nice" house and 2 "nice" cars even though he never gave me any input on their purchases and I don't actually like any of them. He has a bass boat and and Harley that he bought without consulting me but I can't have a baby grand because he doesn't think I need it. Like he NEEDS a bass boat or a bike. I'd like to travel internationally and we can easily afford it but he's not interested. We haven't taken a real, away from home overnight vacation in years - he just cashes out his vacation time every December.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is your H a control freak? There are also no others issues in your marriage (sex life, etc...)?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Resenting him for what you didn't accomplish is counterproductive. He may have discouraged you from doing what you wanted, but he didn't stop you. 

Changing the dynamic means changing how you look at things and how you approach him. I do not agree with giving him a list and letting him choose. It's not up to him. Yes, he should have input on things that impact him, just as you should, but he should not get to choose your life for you.

You don't have to ask permission to do what you believe is right. You should have certain standards in your life that you live according to.

Making a change is going to upset the balance in your marriage, so keep that in mind. It's not you against him. It's both of you working together for the best of the marriage and the family. That's how it's supposed to be. You should have each other's backs 100%. You don't have to give up having his back to also do what is best for yourself. 

What is it that you want to do?

Do you bring in an income?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> The thing is, the thing I want the most is to follow the professional career I originally went to school for, rather than just having a job that gives me a little spending money. My husband was raised in a family where women didn't work outside the home (yes I know it's old fashioned and outdated) and he still believes that. He gets VERY upset every time I suggest taking up my old career interests.
> 
> Most of the rest of the things I'd like to change, it's just too late. I'm too old to have kids. We have a "nice" house and 2 "nice" cars even though he never gave me any input on their purchases and I don't actually like any of them. He has a bass boat and and Harley that he bought without consulting me but I can't have a baby grand because he doesn't think I need it. Like he NEEDS a bass boat or a bike. I'd like to travel internationally and we can easily afford it but he's not interested. We haven't taken a real, away from home overnight vacation in years - he just cashes out his vacation time every December.


Who decided that you wouldn't have children?

If he gets upset about it, let him. It's okay for him to be upset. I would recommend that you pursue your career dreams without consulting him further. However, he will probably escalate and end up leaving you over and he will blame you.

You may want to start small in upsetting the balance in home. Little by little challenge his boundaries without saying a word or running it by him. Try little things and work your way up. That would be the most likely way to resolve these issues while not ending up divorced.

You might start by saving for a grand piano. Open your own account, after the first of the year. Go paperless on the statements. Once you have the money tell him you have been saving for a piano and will be getting one soon. Do not ask. Tell.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I think a lot of us have this problem. Where one spouse wants something and the other either says NO, or ignores the statement, as if you never said it.

Do as your husband nay-sayer does. He does things for himself. That is normally OK, but he needs to return the "favor"....within reason.

Tell him quietly, a few times what you want and are thinking about. By doing this, you do what he doesn't.....prepare you for something. Warn you of something.

You will do this so he can never say to you, "You never ran this by me".

Be a better partner than him. Because you are a better partner than him. Do not let him bully you.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

We fostered his cousin's kids for several years after their parents were killed in a car accident. He decided without my input to take them in, and he also decided that because of having them we wouldn't "bother" having kids of our own. He took the decision out of my hands by having a vasectomy. The kids were 3, 9, and 13 when we took them in. They moved out about 5 years later when another family member offered to take them. Husband let them go without a fight therefore destroying my only chance at parenthood. I'm not sure I've ever quite forgiven him for that.

He's not a control freak with other aspects of our lives. He just has this idea that women aren't capable of making important decisions (I won't even tell you how much he hates Hilary Clinton). He truly believes that the best thing for a wife is whatever her husband decides. I saw the same dynamic between his parents before his father died. Now his mother lives in a senior home she didn't want to go to that he pretty much forced her into. His father left the house to him and he basically sold it out from under her. Convinced her (and me) that she would be better off because she didn't know how to take care of herself. At the time I thought it was sweet that he cared so much about her. Now I'm realizing that it was unfair of him to decide what was best for her without her input.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is the career field that you would like to work in? How long has it been since you have been engage in the field?


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

I give violin lessons to children from home and at our church. He's ok with that because teaching children is "appropriate" women's work in his opinion.

What I want to do is be a music therapist for children with emotional disabilities. And maybe to do some guest performances with our local symphony orchestra. I've been invited several times but he always makes me turn them down. They've stopped asking at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

Elegirl I've never really worked "outside" the home he doesn't want me to. I would have to become a licensed music therapist to do the work I want - it would take about 2 years of graduate studies including an internship. I can't do that because he refuses to pay for me to go back to school. I can't get financial aid because he makes too much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I want to start this by saying that other than this one issue I am in a very happy, loving, satisfactory marriage of 20+ years. However I think hitting my 45th birthday has triggered some introspection and I'm looking back on all the things in my life that I wish had been different. And finding myself resenting my husband because over the years most of those things I wish had been different, were the way they were because he decided that's the way they should be - without ever consulting me or asking my opinion. It's depressing to realize that I've reached a major milestone birthday and I've never accomplished any of the dreams of my youth even though I still have some of them. And I know if I tell him I'd like a chance to maybe pursue one or two of them again, he'll find some way to discourage me or stop me completely just as he always has in the past.
> 
> I'd like to find a way to change our existing dynamic so that I don't always give in to him, but I've been doing it for so long that I don't know how. If I try to tell him how I feel he just convinces me that his way is better both for me and for us. But here I am probably more than halfway through my life and only just realizing that I'm not happy with the results of having always given in to his "superior" opinions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You cannot change the existing dynamic. You signed up to be a whipping girl. If you didn't want whip marks on your back you should have left on year one, not year twenty. You call this marriage, happy, loving and satisfactory. I call it subsisting under a cruel taskmaster. Now you will need to say, "Please sir, may I?" for every little morsel of table scraps. That being said, this is the dynamic YOU created. You had full input in this decision. This is the life YOU created for yourself. If you stood up for yourself on day one you would have had your child; you would have had your career; you would have had your vacations.

My wife is a sweetheart who would open a vein for me but she would never put up with what your husband had done.

So here is the reality. He will not give in to your demands unless you threaten to leave the marriage. Are you willing to do that?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

TBH as well, I am not convinced you really believe you are in a very happy marriage as you stated in your OP. Many of things you have listed seem rather significant, and what you may call "happiness" may just be resentment that you have convinced yourself to bury away (resurfacing now as you undergo some introspection).


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I give violin lessons to children from home and at our church. He's ok with that because teaching children is "appropriate" women's work in his opinion.
> 
> *What I want to do is be a music therapist for children with emotional disabilities. And maybe to do some guest performances with our local symphony orchestra. I've been invited several times but he always makes me turn them down. They've stopped asking at this point.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Do it. 

You don't need his permission to do these things. You are a full fledged person in your own right. You do not require permission to do these things, you don't even require his input. Consulting your spouse on decisions that affect both your lives is something you do out of respect and love; he has not done this for you. Therefore, you have been taught how to proceed, has set the standard in terms of unilateral decision making. Follow the method he has demonstrated. 

You have one life...just one. Live it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

#1 You are not happy.
#2 Watch Fried Green Tomatoes
#3 steak and ice cream 3 times a week.

OK I really do see where you are coming from and I think the Advice Ellis gave you is very good. My wife is the one who comes up with all of the objections to any plan. When I planned a vacation without her, followed by taking up hiking without her, she quickly found that her objections were not serious roadblocks and that I could and would do what I wanted to do. 

I would personally suggest that you start with the car. Do your research, know what you want, and insist on it. It's a thing that affects only you. I think he will bend there easiest. 

TOWANDA!


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

FiddleMeThis said:


> We fostered his cousin's kids for several years after their parents were killed in a car accident. He decided without my input to take them in, and he also decided that because of having them we wouldn't "bother" having kids of our own. He took the decision out of my hands by having a vasectomy. The kids were 3, 9, and 13 when we took them in. They moved out about 5 years later when another family member offered to take them. Husband let them go without a fight therefore destroying my only chance at parenthood. I'm not sure I've ever quite forgiven him for that.
> 
> He's not a control freak with other aspects of our lives. He just has this idea that women aren't capable of making important decisions (I won't even tell you how much he hates Hilary Clinton). He truly believes that the best thing for a wife is whatever her husband decides. I saw the same dynamic between his parents before his father died. Now his mother lives in a senior home she didn't want to go to that he pretty much forced her into. His father left the house to him and he basically sold it out from under her. Convinced her (and me) that she would be better off because she didn't know how to take care of herself. At the time I thought it was sweet that he cared so much about her. Now I'm realizing that it was unfair of him to decide what was best for her without her input.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is not a control freak. I laughed out loud at work. 

Look at that senior home. Look carefully. THAT IS WHERE YOU WILL END YOUR LIFE.

You have one power and one power only. File for divorce and take him to the cleaners. Make him sell his toys and you can go back to school. Problem solved.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. If there is one thing I hate more than people with bad breeding is people with bad breeding who thinks having money somehow makes them respectable.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

Thing is I can't do anything that requires a significant amount of money without his permission. I don't make enough for tuition, a piano, or a new car. And if he doesn't think I need those things, he's not going to pay for them.

He bought us a safe, fairly upper class, suburban house. I wanted a high end condo downtown in the city. I wanted a sporty SUV and he bought me a Volvo wagon. I wanted a baby grand and he bought me an electronic keyboard. I wanted children of my own and he brought in foster kids for a few years. I wanted to decorate our home in my style - he brought in an interior decorator who turned our house into a very masculine ultra modern showplace. I want to play in the local orchestra and he lets me play in church.

It's true that it's partly my fault that I dont stand up to him. All I can say is that I'm a little intimidated by him. The couple of times early in our marriage that I tried to argue with him his reaction was extreme anger followed by days of the silent treatment. I was too young then to know how to handle it so I just stopped fighting. Now it's been so long I don't know how to change it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Leave him like yesterday . Add up all your posts and you sound nothing like a happy wife. You sound like a child or a prisoner of a tyrant.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You can change this RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Unless you are willing to file for divorce, I'm afraid you probably are stuck with your current situation. However, a marriage of 20-plus years generally gives one spouse lifetime financial support (alimony). I wouldn't have put up with this nonsense for a New York minute. But that is my basic personality. I live alone with my aging cat. But I call the shots and do what I want to do. I don't know if you are in a community property or equity state. Either way, with a marriage of longevity, you are entitled to a good chunk of what he earned during the course of the marriage.

Living without the fulfillment you dreams and desires is a terrible way to live. Your husband manipulates you by "allowing" you to spend his money on what he deems appropriate. To heck with how he was raised, this is downright abusive.

So, you either to go an attorney or you stay. You can attempt to fight for what you want, but it doesn't sound like he's going to budge.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

KC - I dont want a divorce! I'll admit my posts have only shown the negative. So I'll tell yo some of the positives. This man works almost every holiday at food pantries. He suggested (and I agreed completely) that instead of exchanging b Christmas gifts we donate winter clothing and toys to various charities. He volunteers at the SPCA walking the dogs while I help socialize the cats, even though he says he doesn't like animals. He cries over sad news stories and when he accidentally runs over a squirrel. He works with Cub Scouts and Big Brothers and our church youth missions group. He gives seniors who don't drive rides to the doctor. He brings me flowers on a regular basis. He makes me chicken soup when I'm sick and holds my head when I'm throwing up. He helps around the house without being asked. He never complained once that I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).

He SAYS he just wants to make my life easy and comfortable because he loves me. I feel almost guilty for wanting something else. He doesn't seem to get how useless I feel and how empty my life is when he's not around. Which is a lot since he works pretty long hours most days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband sounds like an over bearing control freak. But you need to take recognize your part of creating this dynamic because until you do you cannot change it. You have allowed him to do this. You have allowed him to lord over you and control your life. Once you realize that you have power that you have not been using you can change it.

But there is a risk in changing it. And you have be willing to live with that risk. He will bulk at you standing up to him. There is even a chance that you will have to file for divorce to get to do the things that you want to do.

You say that he will not pay for you to go back to school. Does that mean that you do not have equal access to your marital assets? Does he have to approve every penny that you spend?

I think that you would benefit from getting into counseling. YOu need some support there in your real life to change the dynamics of your marriage.

Here’s what I would do. I would tell him that since you have never had children, you want to do more to help children. Tell him that you are also bored being a stay-at-home-wife. That since you had not had children you are feeling a real empty place in your heart. You can do that via music therapy but you need a Master’s degree to do it. Impress on him that this is proper field for a woman to work in. I would not normally play into this type of sexist tripe that he goes by, but in his case it’s a stepping stone to getting to where you want to be. Ask him to please pay your tuition. Have all of the info ready about the courses you want to take and their cost.

Shoot, I would write it in a letter, tell him and give him the letter.

If he turns you down, then you will have to consider which is more important to you, saying married or doing the things that you want in life? Being basically a controlled prisoner or being free to do what you want.

You might want to have a visit or two with an attorney before you start all this as well to learn your rights.

Do you have access to money and all of your assets? Are they in both of your names or his only? Do you have access to all of your marital financial records?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FiddleMeThis said:


> KC - I dont want a divorce! I'll admit my posts have only shown the negative. So I'll tell yo some of the positives. This man works almost every holiday at food pantries. He suggested (and I agreed completely) that instead of exchanging b Christmas gifts we donate winter clothing and toys to various charities. He volunteers at the SPCA walking the dogs while I help socialize the cats, even though he says he doesn't like animals. He cries over sad news stories and when he accidentally runs over a squirrel. He works with Cub Scouts and Big Brothers and our church youth missions group. He gives seniors who don't drive rides to the doctor. He brings me flowers on a regular basis. He makes me chicken soup when I'm sick and holds my head when I'm throwing up. He helps around the house without being asked. He never complained once that I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).
> 
> He SAYS he just wants to make my life easy and comfortable because he loves me. I feel almost guilty for wanting something else. He doesn't seem to get how useless I feel and how empty my life is when he's not around. Which is a lot since he works pretty long hours most days.


I think that there is a way to move him in the right direction without destroying your marriage. It's one small step at a time. You need to impress on him how useless you feel and that you want to help children more than you are now.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

FiddleMeThis said:


> Thing is I can't do anything that requires a significant amount of money without his permission. I don't make enough for tuition, a piano, or a new car. And if he doesn't think I need those things, he's not going to pay for them.
> 
> He bought us a safe, fairly upper class, suburban house. I wanted a high end condo downtown in the city. I wanted a sporty SUV and he bought me a Volvo wagon. I wanted a baby grand and he bought me an electronic keyboard. I wanted children of my own and he brought in foster kids for a few years. I wanted to decorate our home in my style - he brought in an interior decorator who turned our house into a very masculine ultra modern showplace. I want to play in the local orchestra and he lets me play in church.
> 
> ...


This kind of sounds like the plot to the movie Sleeping with the Enemy.

You said that your husband isn't controlling. Your husband is the epitome of controlling. And if you stray, he knows how to get you back under his thumb by punishing you with anger and the silent treatment.
Abuse doesn't have to be hitting or physical. Emotional and psychological abuse can be insidious and creep up on you. They make you codependent so that you cannot make decisions on your own any longer.

I would love if you read through some of the posts on this thread, and see if anything sounds familiar, or jumps out at you. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion

I think you would benefit from reading this book: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft, even if you think your husband's behavior is not controlling. Private message me if you can't get a copy without him knowing. I'd be happy to help.

Go out and get the job you want. How will he stop you? He can't. If he divorces you over it, then he really won't be able to stop you. There's no downside, except for his anger.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> *Thing is I can't do anything that requires a significant amount of money without his permission. I don't make enough for tuition, a piano, or a new car. And if he doesn't think I need those things, he's not going to pay for them.*
> 
> He bought us a safe, fairly upper class, suburban house. I wanted a high end condo downtown in the city. I wanted a sporty SUV and he bought me a Volvo wagon. I wanted a baby grand and he bought me an electronic keyboard. I wanted children of my own and he brought in foster kids for a few years. I wanted to decorate our home in my style - he brought in an interior decorator who turned our house into a very masculine ultra modern showplace. I want to play in the local orchestra and he lets me play in church.
> 
> ...



Does this mean....you don't have access to money? What would happen if he was injured, in a coma, whatever........how would you pay bills, eat, live?

That is no way to live.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

FiddleMeThis said:


> KC - I dont want a divorce! I'll admit my posts have only shown the negative. So I'll tell yo some of the positives. This man works almost every holiday at food pantries. He suggested (and I agreed completely) that instead of exchanging b Christmas gifts we donate winter clothing and toys to various charities. He volunteers at the SPCA walking the dogs while I help socialize the cats, even though he says he doesn't like animals. He cries over sad news stories and when he accidentally runs over a squirrel. He works with Cub Scouts and Big Brothers and our church youth missions group. He gives seniors who don't drive rides to the doctor. He brings me flowers on a regular basis. He makes me chicken soup when I'm sick and holds my head when I'm throwing up. He helps around the house without being asked. He never complained once that I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).
> 
> He SAYS he just wants to make my life easy and comfortable because he loves me. I feel almost guilty for wanting something else. He doesn't seem to get how useless I feel and how empty my life is when he's not around. Which is a lot since he works pretty long hours most days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know it wasn't your intention but this post actually makes me hate him more. (and I don't even know him) Please re-read what you wrote and try to figure out why I find his "act of charity" unbearably offensive.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> KC - I dont want a divorce! I'll admit my posts have only shown the negative. So I'll tell yo some of the positives. This man works almost every holiday at food pantries. He suggested (and I agreed completely) that instead of exchanging b Christmas gifts we donate winter clothing and toys to various charities. He volunteers at the SPCA walking the dogs while I help socialize the cats, even though he says he doesn't like animals. He cries over sad news stories and when he accidentally runs over a squirrel. He works with Cub Scouts and Big Brothers and our church youth missions group. He gives seniors who don't drive rides to the doctor. He brings me flowers on a regular basis. He makes me chicken soup when I'm sick and holds my head when I'm throwing up. He helps around the house without being asked. He never complained once that I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).
> 
> *He SAYS he just wants to make my life easy and comfortable because he loves me.* I feel almost guilty for wanting something else. He doesn't seem to get how useless I feel and how empty my life is when he's not around. Which is a lot since he works pretty long hours most days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, in other words, he takes great care of you ....other than encouraging you to do the things that would make you happy???

Like Elegril said, it will be baby steps. There is much more going on here. What kind of insight can you provide into his upbringing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband controlling finances the way is does is considered a form of abuse. Why? Because it means that you have no autonomy. You are completely under his control.

Does your husband have a will? If so, do you know what that will says?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old was his mother when he stuck her in a nursing home?

How ill was she?


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

His parents were VERY Catholic and his father was just like him. His mother was not allowed to work outside the home. He also was raised by a maiden aunt who had never married who came to live with them after her parents died. Father and aunt both died from cancer in their early 60s (he's terrified of the same happening to him). Like him, his father worked long hours and in fact had an apartment in another city because he had to spend so much time there. Husband was an only child and very over indulged despite the family not having much money. They never asked him to do anything but instead hired out for things like mowing and snow shoveling. He does the same. 

He was married once before me (he's 10 years older than me). It only lasted a couple of years his wife had an affair with her boss and ended up leaving him for the boss who apparently wasn't married. I often wonder if that isn't part of the reason he doesn't want me working outside the home although he won't admit it.

I was an undergrad student when I met him and he was a grad student at the same college (he started his grad program after his divorce). He was involved in the same college community service program I was in. We got married almost exactly one month after I graduated.

I do have access to our money but our checking account requires both signatures for anything over $200. I don't make enough to sign for a loan without him co-signing so I can't buy a car. And he'd also have to sign off on any college financial aid paperwork.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

His mother is in her 80s. She has lupus and emphysema. She also has severe anxiety and refuses to go outside. What she wanted was a 24/7 live in home companion. He thought the assisted living center made more sense because it would allow her some freedom to interact with other people without leaving the building.

His will leaves 3/4 of his assets to me and 1/4 to several charities (SPCA, St Jude's, Cancer Centers of America, our local food pantry, etc) and our church. Which I was fully in agreement with. My will leaves everything to the same charities/church since we don't have kids and we are both only children so no nieces/nephews.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

As a Christian, I highly recommend you start reading this website: https://cryingoutforjustice.com/
It will help you to understand what the Bible really says about marriage and to see your husband more clearly.
Your husband is great guy on his terms only. He does not take into account how you feel or what you think. That is demeaning and wrong.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What I see here is that he can afford to give you that car. My wife was not happy with my last choice of personal vehicle, but it was my personal vehicle and the price was almost exactly the same as her choice for her personal vehicle. It is time he learned to trust you. He is 10 years older than you , male and working. Everything he owns including the Harley will be yours one day. And he needs to be comfortable with you making decisions on that "Stuff". 

BTW You teach violin, and he works with Cubs. Sounds like you both like children.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> He never complained once that *I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).
> *




I'm hoping that he wasn't insisting on anal sex, despite the fact that you had colorectal issues----that eventually required surgery.

Or, much worse, you had to have surgery to repair fissures 'caused by anal sex.


I wouldn't bring this up, except for the fact that anal sex is an ultimate form of control----not always, but often.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FiddleMeThis said:


> His mother is in her 80s. She has lupus and emphysema. She also has severe anxiety and refuses to go outside. What she wanted was a 24/7 live in home companion. He thought the assisted living center made more sense because it would allow her some freedom to interact with other people without leaving the building.


His father died at age 60. I assume that his mother was about 60 when his father died.

How old was his mother when he put her in the assisted living facility? Was she 60 or so? Or did he move here there years later?


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

The car he bought me was MORE $$$ than the one I wanted. He thought the SUV I wanted was unsafe. Hence the Volvo. He also drives a Volvo.

My rectal issues are due to lifelong digestive issues that have never been diagnosed or solved. I've been told I will probably have to have a colostomy within the next 5 years. The fissures only started a couple of years ago. And he preferred anal because I have what my drs call a "short" vagina - he can't get all the way inside me because of it. I actually had to have surgery at 19 to remove my hymen because it was so thick. That's when they told me about the other issue. We don't have oral sex either because I have an overbite which he finds painful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

His father died in his early 60s. I believe he was actually 63 or 64. His mother stayed in the house with his aunt until his aunt died. The aunt was significantly younger than his father so it was probably a decade later. So his mother was probably in her mid to late 70s. 

FYI her drs agreed that she belonged in assisted living. They thought her anxiety was a sign of dementia. And in his defense, he actually wanted to move her in with us and have me be her caregiver. I outright refused because honestly I can't stand her and I could never have lived with her. It's one of the few times I've actually stood up to him and won. I think mostly because I told him I would move out if she moved in. I would have to, I really honestly despise the woman for reasons I won't get into.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I was going to say his controlling might be fear, and then you mentioned his first wife cheated on him. So yep, I think it is a combination of Religiosity and fear. Instead of arguing and giving him an ultimatum which I think will not work. How about you entreat him about how you want to do this to make you feel fulfilled, and you want him to help provide that for you. Just like you did here, I am in my 40's and there are somethings I want to do with my life. Please help me, don't hinder me. I need you to support me with this.

You will also have to get down to the niddy griddy of his fears though. I bet he is afraid that if you do too much without him you will end up cheating on him like his last wife. I think you should be sensitive to that.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> KC - I dont want a divorce! I'll admit my posts have only shown the negative. So I'll tell yo some of the positives. This man works almost every holiday at food pantries. He suggested (and I agreed completely) that instead of exchanging b Christmas gifts we donate winter clothing and toys to various charities. He volunteers at the SPCA walking the dogs while I help socialize the cats, even though he says he doesn't like animals. He cries over sad news stories and when he accidentally runs over a squirrel. He works with Cub Scouts and Big Brothers and our church youth missions group. He gives seniors who don't drive rides to the doctor. He brings me flowers on a regular basis. He makes me chicken soup when I'm sick and holds my head when I'm throwing up. He helps around the house without being asked. He never complained once that I couldn't have sex for more than 6 months after major surgery (although I'll admit he wasn't too happy that we can't do anal anymore).
> 
> He SAYS he just wants to make my life easy and comfortable because he loves me. I feel almost guilty for wanting something else. He doesn't seem to get how useless I feel and how empty my life is when he's not around. Which is a lot since he works pretty long hours most days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He SAYS wants to make easier but he makes it hell. He is nice to everyone else but you. He thinks you are too stupid to make decisions for yourself. This is NOT a nice marriage. It is a soul-sucking prison.

Speak with the most shark-like divorce attorney to find out your rights. Speak with EVERY shark-like divorce attorney so none of them may represent DuH. Then file for divorce and get your half of everything.

He will never get better and your life will continue to get worse. If you choose to ignore all the good advice you get here, then suck it up, buttercup and quite whining.

IamSomebody


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> His mother is in her 80s. She has lupus and emphysema. She also has severe anxiety and refuses to go outside. What she wanted was a 24/7 live in home companion. He thought the assisted living center made more sense because it would allow her some freedom to interact with other people without leaving the building.
> 
> His will leaves 3/4 of his assets to me and 1/4 to several charities (SPCA, St Jude's, Cancer Centers of America, our local food pantry, etc) and our church. Which I was fully in agreement with. My will leaves everything to the same charities/church since we don't have kids and we are both only children so no nieces/nephews.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The marital home and other jointly owned items can NOT be included in a will. Items bought with marital funds, including stocks, etc. may also be excluded. Find out your rights.

IamSomebody


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You're resenting your husband, but you permitted it. We teach people how to treat us, always remember that.  Use this time now to no longer allow yourself to just be his shadow, and go along with everything.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

I don't know all that much about his first marriage. He was 22 when they married and only 24 when they divorced. He told me early in our relationship that he was divorced, his ex was a psycho *****, he didn't intend to talk about her and I was NEVER to bring her up or ask questions about that time of his life.

What I do know, I know from his parents. MIL loved his ex and never truly accepted that she had cheated on him. Told him he should just forgive and forget and stay with her. She's always hated me because I destroyed her chances of the two of them getting back together.

It was my FIL who told me what really happened. He was crazy in love with her but she cheated on him the entire time they were together, with her boss. The boss finally decided he wanted her to himself and proposed to her, and she filed for divorce within a matter of days. She apparently told my husband that she'd only gotten involved with him to make the other guy jealous, and she hadn't expected it would take actually marrying someone else to wake him up. She had never loved him at all.

My MIL refuses to admit that any of this happened, BTW. She thinks they divorced because his ex had a little "fling." Not a long term relationship. She's told me numerous times that my husband has never gotten over this other woman and that he still loves her. It's one of the reasons I can't stand my MIL.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> The car he bought me was MORE $$$ than the one I wanted. He thought the SUV I wanted was unsafe. Hence the Volvo. He also drives a Volvo.
> 
> My rectal issues are due to lifelong digestive issues that have never been diagnosed or solved. I've been told I will probably have to have a colostomy within the next 5 years. The fissures only started a couple of years ago. And he preferred anal because I have what my drs call a "short" vagina - he can't get all the way inside me because of it. I actually had to have surgery at 19 to remove my hymen because it was so thick. That's when they told me about the other issue. We don't have oral sex either because I have an overbite which he finds painful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Seems your DuH wants to pick and choose what Catholic rules he wants to follow - women can't work outside the home although Christ was ok with this (deacons were female) but he is into anal sex, which is a HUGE no-no for Catholics.

He is a hypocrite who is using "religion" to bully you.

IamSomebody


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

Wondering why everyone is so concerned about the will? We wrote our wills together and I'm more than happy with them. The charitable donations were something we decided on together. Why not since there are no kids? Besides which, he has a $3 million life insurance policy on which I am the sole beneficiary. So it's not like I have to worry about being a poor penniless widow someday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FiddleMeThis said:


> Wondering why everyone is so concerned about the will? We wrote our wills together and I'm more than happy with them. The charitable donations were something we decided on together. Why not since there are no kids? Besides which, he has a $3 million life insurance policy on which I am the sole beneficiary. So it's not like I have to worry about being a poor penniless widow someday.


We are just trying to assess your situation.

You have next to no access to money without his permission. That is very concerning.

You said that it takes two signatures to spend over $200

Does that mean that he cannot spend anything over that? Or does he have access to another account where he can spend as he pleases?

Do the two of you go grocery shopping together? I often spend over $200 at the grocery store. So it would take both of you to do that if there is only one account with a dual signature requirement.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Sorry I keep coming back to the car. I think it is something important. I started thinking about your ages, and it occurred to me that the Harley is way off for a volvo man. But at a certain age around 50 it is just a mid life crisis. Then I thought back about your happy state until you started thinking about things you missed and - Bingo! Mid life Crisis is exactly what you described. I think you and your husband should have a talk about your mid life crisis. He may understand it better in those terms.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

He's not Catholic anymore - he converted to my denomination - Baptist. And he's not a religious fanatic at all. He only goes to church because I want him to. He has told me in the past he doesn't even really believe any of it at all.

I kind of think Sokillme has it right - he doesn't want me working outside the home due to fear of losing me like he lost his ex. He doesn't see the differences in the two situations clearly or maybe he'd be able to deal with it. She gave him a reason, very quickly, to distrust her. He's now had over 20 years with me to learn to trust me. The fact that he still can't tells me she really messed him up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I kind of think Sokillme has it right - he doesn't want me working outside the home due to fear of losing me like he lost his ex. He doesn't see the differences in the two situations clearly or maybe he'd be able to deal with it. She gave him a reason, very quickly, to distrust her. He's now had over 20 years with me to learn to trust me. The fact that he still can't tells me she really messed him up.


Based on his overall controlling attitude, I wouldn't think that. He probably didn't trust her before she cheated either. I would be concerned that he was unable to trust due to projection of some sort. He doesn't trust you to make any sort of decision, even where it concerns your own life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I don't know all that much about his first marriage. He was 22 when they married and only 24 when they divorced. He told me early in our relationship that he was divorced, his ex was a psycho *****, he didn't intend to talk about her and I was NEVER to bring her up or ask questions about that time of his life.
> 
> What I do know, I know from his parents. MIL loved his ex and never truly accepted that she had cheated on him. Told him he should just forgive and forget and stay with her. She's always hated me because I destroyed her chances of the two of them getting back together.
> 
> ...



Well I think you MIL explains your husband to a certain extent. I would go with entreating, but guys like him don't usually change much.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

Elegirl - we use the Dave Ramsey envelope system for necessities like groceries. All cash, used by whoever needs it. When the cash in a particular envelope is used up, no more purchases in that category until the next week.

He also needs my signature on checks over $200.

As for groceries, we have a supermarket within walking distance of our home, and because we both prefer fresh foods, I tend to buy there on an almost daily basis. Probably about $20/day. Once a month I stock up on things like paper towels and laundry detergent. It never comes to anywhere near $200. Then again it's just the two of us in a relatively small house. No children, no pets. I'd love to have a cat or a dog or both but our subdivision doesn't allow animals even if they are indoor only. I asked about it once and was told they got sick of having to replace carpets every time a pet owner moved out. We live in a "gated" suburban community and there are lots of rules. Some I don't mind, some I do. Some I think are just plain stupid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> You're resenting your husband, but you permitted it. We teach people how to treat us, always remember that.  Use this time now to no longer allow yourself to just be his shadow, and go along with everything.


This is so true. I'm learning this myself now. And, I agree with the other posters. Your husband is controlling and manipulative. And, the bank thing is awful, too. You ARE being abused. I know it's hard to accept.


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## FiddleMeThis (Nov 3, 2016)

I don't get what's wrong with the financial stuff. Ramsey recommends that married couples have a limit on the amount they can spend without approval of the other. We have been using his financial planning system for years and so do most of our friends at church. Lots of people do. And I've never been told anything in his system was bad.

I'm always surprised when people tell me they have never seen checks with 2 signature lines. My parents have the same thing so I guess it's just what I'm used to.

I don't believe my husband is abusive. Wouldn't I be unhappy if he was abusive? And I'm NOT unhappy - I'm just bored and a little resentful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you don't think you deserve better, then this might seem normal to you, at this point.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FiddleMeThis said:


> What I want to do is be a music therapist for children with emotional disabilities. And maybe to do some guest performances with our local symphony orchestra. I've been invited several times but he always makes me turn them down.


Hon, he doesn't MAKE you do ANYTHING. 

Nothing will change until you DECIDE to make it change. Believe me, I get it. We have the cars my H says we should have. He handled the bills because I was too dumb to do it (to the tune of $100,000 in debt that he got us). He pretends to listen to me but usually interrupts anything I say because he's already stopped listening. So I get it.

I tried therapy two different times, and they tried to help me get the nerve to stand up to him. I waited too long. And my family didn't prepare me to stand up to men.

But I'm finally getting there, and I'm taking steps. I never would have got there without the help of my therapists. Are you seeing one?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FiddleMeThis said:


> Elegirl I've never really worked "outside" the home he doesn't want me to. I would have to become a licensed music therapist to do the work I want - it would take about 2 years of graduate studies including an internship. I can't do that because he refuses to pay for me to go back to school. I can't get financial aid because he makes too much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, duh, folks. 

FMT: Go find a lawyer, sign him/her up upon payment after the fact, arrange a new place to live, and move out. The divorce will give you half of everything he 'owns.' Which legally is YOURS. Once you are divorced, you can go straight to school.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I do have access to our money but our checking account requires both signatures for anything over $200.


Great! Now we're getting somewhere. Start writing a check every week for $175. When he asks you why, just say you're saving up to buy him a surprise gift. Put it in a bank account that he can't access. 

$175.

Every week.

Starting tomorrow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I'd love to have a cat or a dog or both but our subdivision doesn't allow animals even if they are indoor only. I asked about it once and was told they got sick of having to replace carpets every time a pet owner moved out. We live in a "gated" suburban community and there are lots of rules. Some I don't mind, some I do. Some I think are just plain stupid.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought you said you owned a home. You're renting?


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I don't get what's wrong with the financial stuff. Ramsey recommends that married couples have a limit on the amount they can spend without approval of the other. We have been using his financial planning system for years and so do most of our friends at church. Lots of people do. And I've never been told anything in his system was bad.
> 
> I'm always surprised when people tell me they have never seen checks with 2 signature lines. My parents have the same thing so I guess it's just what I'm used to.
> 
> ...


I think you would be unhappy if he was physically abusing you. Emotional abuse is different. You don't always notice they are doing it right away because it's manipulative and controlling. That's why you are resentful, and why you are here. You know in your heart of hearts that you should have more decision making power in the relationship.

it's not the Dave Ramsey stuff that is bad, Dave Ramsey has helped a lot of people get out of debt. He is well loved. We just didn't know you had access to cash. It really sounded like your H had an iron fist on the day to day family money as well. $200 limits and 2 signature lines are similarly no big deal if it's equivalent. Meaning you both need to sign checks for both of you, and both have a $200 limit; not just you.

But you had, and still have some red flags for financial abuse. (asking and being denied tuition/ you not being "allowed" to find any job you want within reason)
You have some flags for other kinds of abuse too. Having kids should be a joint and mutual decision, as should fostering children and birth control, particularly mostly permanent BC like vasectomies. He made these decisions by himself without consulting, and this takes your decision power away. That's abuse. Making it so you can't have kids without discussion/mutual agreement is as wrong as poking holes in condoms and trying to knock you up without discussion would be. Joint decisions need to be made jointly, with both parties having equal say.

The big deal is when you say things like you can't go back to school if he won't pay for it. That's not his call, because the family money should belong to the family. Both of you.
or 
You can't get a job that you want because he doesn't think it's appropriate for women. Even though you are simply wanting to do a version of what you already do (teaching music), just more. You getting a new job should only be a discussion as far as it affects his life; like taking a voluntary pay cut, or putting small children in childcare, or traveling overnight.

The way you word it makes all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. You word it as if you were a subordinate employee, instead of co-chairwoman in a marriage. Why does he get veto power on all your decisions, when you clearly don't have it on his?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

FiddleMeThis said:


> The thing is, the thing I want the most is to follow the professional career I originally went to school for, rather than just having a job that gives me a little spending money. My husband was raised in a family where women didn't work outside the home (yes I know it's old fashioned and outdated) and he still believes that. He gets VERY upset every time I suggest taking up my old career interests.
> 
> Most of the rest of the things I'd like to change, it's just too late. I'm too old to have kids. We have a "nice" house and 2 "nice" cars even though he never gave me any input on their purchases and I don't actually like any of them. He has a bass boat and and Harley that he bought without consulting me but I can't have a baby grand because he doesn't think I need it. Like he NEEDS a bass boat or a bike. I'd like to travel internationally and we can easily afford it but he's not interested. We haven't taken a real, away from home overnight vacation in years - he just cashes out his vacation time every December.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Time to sit your H down and tell him exactly what you are telling us. You have done the caregiver dance long enough, do not sugar coat it anymore.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I don't believe my husband is abusive. Wouldn't I be unhappy if he was abusive? And I'm NOT unhappy - I'm just bored and a little resentful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, your husband does love you. Much like a parent who loves their child and places limits on them for their own good. Consider that.

I listen to Dave Ramsey regularly. I assure you, Dave talks with BOTH listeners when they discuss how they attacked their debts. BOTH husband and wife. As a couple.

Oh, believe me, your feelings of being bored and resentful are nothing more than you stifling your resentment. After all, a resentful wife is not a loving wife, right?

You marriage is not Biblical. Yes, a man should be the head of his family. But his wife is his helpmate and his second lieutenant, so to speak. A husband goes to his wife to get her input into major decisions he makes. He love and honors his wife as Christ loved His church. This is NOT how Christ loved his church. Not one bit. He preached the Gospel as to how things should be, but he also respected the right of people to differ with him. Listen, I AM a Christian, and when I hear this type of mangling of what God wanted marriage to be .... sigh.

Concoct or contort it any way you desire, but your husband has relegated you to child status. You have accepted that. What a tragedy. You have so much to offer the world. And I don't give a good cahoot how much great things he does for the community. That makes no difference, and you know it. No deeds, actions, or altruistic endeavors will make anyone "good" in the eyes of God.

At this point, you should be having a serious conversation with your pastor ... not to mention God. You have been endowed with a gift of music and a love to help children. To heck with your husband. What does God has to say about you fulfilling your destiny??? Seriously.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I don't believe my husband is abusive. Wouldn't I be unhappy if he was abusive? And I'm NOT unhappy - I'm just bored and a little resentful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I pulled this from The national domestic violence hotline's website.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Is this Abuse?

What does an abusive relationship look like?
Does your partner ever….

Insult, demean or embarrass you with put-downs?
Control what you do, who you talk to or where you go?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Push you, slap you, choke you or hit you?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
*Control the money in the relationship?* Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
*Make all of the decisions without your input or consideration of your needs?*
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away your children?
*Prevent you from working or attending school?*
Act like the abuse is no big deal, deny the abuse or tell you it’s your own fault?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Attempt to force you to drop criminal charges?
Threaten to commit suicide, or threaten to kill you?
If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. In this section, you’ll find more information on the types of abuse, why people abuse and why it’s so difficult to leave. Don’t hesitate to chat or call us (1-800-799-7233) if anything you read raises a red flag about your own relationship or that of someone you know.

You had 3 that we already talked about in the thread. I'm not confident that there are only 3.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Thing about money is that you should have the same right to spend money that he has. Sure you both have to sign a check that is over $200. 

But it sounds like if he wants to spend money you ok it and sign the check. If you want to spend money, then he refuses you. That’s not how it works. Both of you should be able to spend a reasonable amount on things that are important to you.

You need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband telling him that you want to get that degree and you will need to pay for it. He has to ok it.

Did he really ask for your permission to buy the motorcycle? Or did he just ask you to sign the check? Or did he buy it in some manner that went around the $200 check rule?

How much did that motorcycle cost? What about other toys that he has? Have you been able to spend like that on things for yourself?

It’s time that you get to.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

FiddleMeThis said:


> I give violin lessons to children from home and at our church. He's ok with that because teaching children is "appropriate" women's work in his opinion.
> 
> What I want to do is be a music therapist for children with emotional disabilities. And maybe to do some guest performances with our local symphony orchestra. I've been invited several times but he always makes me turn them down. They've stopped asking at this point.


I'm having an incredibly hard time understanding your statement from your first post, "I want to start this by saying that other than this one issue I am in a very happy, loving, satisfactory marriage of 20+ years...." because everything you've written about him makes him sound *despicable*.

Foisting 3 kids on you to raise for 5 years without even so much as making you a part of the decision making process, getting a vasectomy and deciding YOU won't be having kids, telling you what you can and can't do, forbidding you to do guest performances with the orchestra, telling you what you can and cannot buy while he buys whatever the hell he wants, deciding what type of career you can have outside the house (if ANY), and the list just goes on and on and on.

You've been manipulated and isolated and groomed for so long that you can't even *see* what he's done to you. It just* seems *normal to you because that's all you've known for over 20 years and don't know what it's like NOT to live under someone's controlling thumb and to be a strong, independent person who doesn't need another adult's 'permission' to enjoy the things she wants to do in life. He's taken THAT from you too, along with everything else.

You're the proverbial frog in the boiling pot of water. If the frog is put in a boiling pot of water, he'll jump right out. But if he's put in a pot of cold water while it warms slowly, he'll stay there, unaware of the fact that eventually the water will boil, killing him. You've simply been conditioned over the years to think his completely unacceptable behavior is normal.

It's *not*.



> I don't believe my husband is abusive. Wouldn't I be unhappy if he was abusive? And I'm NOT unhappy - I'm just bored and a little resentful.


It's all in the conditioning. If you're 'happy' having all the joy sucked out of your life - which is *exactly* what he's done over 20+ years - then I guess it's all good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> But it sounds like if he wants to spend money you ok it and sign the check. If you want to spend money, then he refuses you. That’s not how it works. Both of you should be able to spend a reasonable amount on things that are important to you.


QFT. 

Print this paragraph out, put it in your purse, and read it once a day, until you get it. You have been groomed (look it up).

I'm not saying your H is some evil mean guy who gets pleasure out of putting his thumb on you. He is simply doing what he was taught. To HIM, this all makes sense, because it's what he was taught (and look at what it did to his mom, living like he expects you to live). To him, your wife's feelings and needs are subservient to you and she should be happy and grateful you're taking care of her; how could she want more?

Except this isn't 1546. It's 2016. Women, especially in the West, have rights and options. And THAT is why you are here. Intellectually, you believe it's ok for him to make all decisions. Emotionally, deep down, YOU ARE HURTING. Because, deep down, you know you deserve to get to do what YOU want. And you're here asking for help in how to GET to that place.

So if it helps to not look at your husband as an abuser, that's fine. And I assume he wouldn't have any of the symptoms of a physical abuser. Technically, he's not 'hurting' you. However, you are now living the life of a mentally abused wife because you have relegated nearly all your rights as a human being. That's why you're getting these responses. This life seems normal to you because it's all you've known since you married him. And the changes to loss of autonomy were probably VERY slow, very subtle, so that you didn't realize you were giving up your rights.

Notice any of this?


> Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
> 
> You feel like you need permission to make decisions or go out somewhere.
> 
> ...


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