# overcoming inhibitions-any advice?



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Thanks in advance to the TAM community and the astute moderators for keeping the site real/yet sufficiently mature too. Quick question: 

My wife continues to exhibit shyness when it comes to things like using toys or watching adult material. She has used a toy on herself in front of me but, it usually involves alcohol. She has admitted to viewing and enjoying softcore adult material before she met me. I think some of it comes from her catholic school upbringing and some of it I think comes from being self-conscious about her body. She has struggled with her weight and gravity and nursing have been unkind to her body. I love her and think she is sexy and love her more than ever. 

Are there other women who are comfortable who maybe were not previously? Is there anything I can do to make her feel more comfortable?


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## WEBELONG2GETHER (Jan 22, 2012)

Hi tjjohnson, i am one of those women who had so many hang ups due to my religious upbringing. no oral, no fingers, no anal, in the dark.... you name it. i have always been a plus size woman and i had terrible body images.... fast forward to today.

I love my body. love it. it is soft, warm and my husband loves it. I love oral, anal, dirty talk even bad words. I had to get to a point where i no longer cared what others thought about me and god looks favorably on great sex in the marriage life.


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

I used to be better with this sort of thing. I have had trouble dealing with my body. I am at an age where no starvation, exercise would make me “bikini material”…regret to say. When I was younger and I still could rock a bathing suit I was not as self-concious. 
Now not so much. 

I used to put on television shows/movies that had young girls in it serve as a sort of pre-foreplay. It used to drive him wild. I even used to encourage him to touch himself to get his motor running. We used to make a good time of it. The crazy thing is that I actually enjoy and am aroused by the sight of other women and both my H and I would enjoy this but my consciousness keeps me from doing it now. I also have enjoyed playing with toys in front of my H as has he but again am held back. 

So a question for Webelong2gether:

What caused the chang?

Are you OK in your skin where you are oK if H is aroused by the site of others?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Low muted light is a must.... everyone looks better in candlelight.

How about some sexy lingerie that still allows her to feel a bit covered but shows off her best bits.

A few glasses of wine is always a nice relaxer.

AND I 'm sure you do already... but tell her how beautiful, sexy, tasty she is while you are making love. Even if she laughs it off...I bet she loves to hear it. She may even believe it in time.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

I am one of those former women as well. I have been overweight my whole life by at least a little, now it's more with thyroid problems, blah... Anyhow, my H and I have always had great sex but it was always something in the back of my mind. Gravity has long been an enemy to my breasts and since I turned 40 things are headed down further at lightning speed... ugh... No religious issues though, I love sex 

Low light helps tons and sexy lingerie (this may not be the corset and thigh highs that you may be wanting but something silky and lacey to start with) My H had to tell me quite ALOT how beautiful, sexy, a great f*ck, what a sweet p--sy I had, etc. before I could wrap my head around it. Words of affirmation is my top Love Language... He always had his hands all over me and always "showed" me he wanted me but it didn't kick it up a notch until he added all the words in with it. In the bedroom and out btw  

Now, I'm over it and while I still love hearing those things from him... It's not a great NEED like it used to be.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

I used to cover up ALL the time. Then my hubs would do EVERYTHING naked. Read, tv, laptop, work on work stuff.... Everything. Him being so comfortable with his body made me comfortable with mine. Like as im typing this he's passed out bitt naked with his arm around my booty. He's always naked. 

After our first year of marriage i dont see being naked as a big deal now. Plus he loves touching me more...

The other stuff?? It makes me uncomfortable to watch porn and have sex. I need to be the center of attention.... As for toys?? She might warm up with some wine... Have you ever asked if there's something she'd like you to do for her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

My crazy story here .... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html


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## FoxyMoneybags (Sep 13, 2012)

Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I think the key to lowering inhibitions is feeling accepted. So, positive feedback from you is a must. Reward her every time she lowers her inhibitions with positive feedback, doing something SHE likes in bed, etc. After awhile, it may get to a point where she cares less about the subconscious acceptance from an outside source, like the church, and more about your acceptance and positive feedback, mostly because it feels better.


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## marriedwithkids1 (Nov 10, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My crazy story here .... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...sets-collide-sexually-repressed-awakened.html


TRully i think that every women should read your post. It was well thought out, written well and resonated with me. 

S.A- I am intrigued by your post and your link. I love your attitude and yes I think the notion of a lady in public and a who$e in the bedroom is what many men (including mine) would love. I cringe when I hear women demonizing the thought of semen touching their face, mouth or body parts. I mean what if men treated our lady secretions like similar toxic waste how would that make us feel? I mean granted it is a little sticky and starchy but, still the whole thing to me is driven by the nice girls don’t syndrome… period. I want to give my H some variety and thrill…to keep him guessing and fresh…

It sounds like your awakening was hormonally driven. I guess I am trying to get my head around the idea that my body is no longer youthful and attractive (in the stereotypical sence) I mean this is inarguable. Granted my H may love me and my body because it is connected to the one he loves but still. 
I still have a mental block where vibrators are concerned. I mean maybe if he read my post and begged me to do it I could take the “I’m doing it for him.. “ approach. 

The other hang up is my adult material. (and no judgements or warnings here from the anti-porn folks) I just think it would add some variety to our sex life. I think a lot of this stems from jealousy. I know he J/O's to images of young women and I am OK with that as it doesn’t interfere with our sex live as he is generally available to meet my needs. I used to be not so jealous in this way. 

Any additional thoughts/feedback is appreciated.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

FoxyMoneybags said:


> Maybe I'm oversimplifying, but I think the key to lowering inhibitions is feeling accepted. So, positive feedback from you is a must. Reward her every time she lowers her inhibitions with positive feedback, doing something SHE likes in bed, etc. After awhile, it may get to a point where she cares less about the subconscious acceptance from an outside source, like the church, and more about your acceptance and positive feedback, mostly because it feels better.


I always felt accepted in my marraige by my husband...100%.... where he failed me, and damn I hate to talk like this... cause it was MY fault too... we were too silent about sex.... My God, talking about masterbation, HOW embarrassing [email protected]#$%^&**(

... and he was too much of a silent lover... he didn't get creative in the bedroom showing a great thirst VERBALLY -even though he was FEELING it, his lack of speaking it --surely allowed me to remain that timid woman who wanted the lights out, embarrassed of him seeing my body --- this is so incredibily rediculous to me now....looking back.....

I would do nearly A N Y T H I N G today and love the daylights out of it -- not shy at all. It was me who spiced our sex life up.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Low muted light is a must.... everyone looks better in candlelight.
> 
> How about some sexy lingerie that still allows her to feel a bit covered but shows off her best bits.
> 
> ...


Drinks...drinks help!








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

marriedwithkids1 said:


> TRully i think that every women should read your post. It was well thought out, written well and resonated with me.


 From all the reading I have done here, I think Repression / Good girl syndrome is far LESS of an issue over Lower drive women (not understanding how a husband feels emotionally through sex) and *Resentment* issues that flow into the bedroom. 



> S.A- I am intrigued by your post and your link. I love your attitude and yes I think the notion of a lady in public and a who$e in the bedroom is what many men (including mine) would love.


 No doubt about it !!

Here is a little more Inspiration -speaking of the Lady in Public & the Freak in the bedroom....(can't remember if this was in my thread or not ?)........taken from a Poster on here -*ThreeTimesALady* ...Her words>>



> .... *Sex is *desiring him every time you look at him. Needing him to fill that wonderful yearning deep inside you that needs filling & to die for. *Sex is *having breasts that ached to be touched & loved & you can not live without it. *Sex is* waking him up in the middle of the night as you need him & want him & then you find that he wants you just as much & you make love for an hour & get up & have coffee & wonder where the years have gone. *Sex is *finding the thrill after years of a man that can still make you scream & turn you to mush. *Sex is *turning him into a crazy man who wants you more than his own life.
> 
> Now. *Love is *being able to see some fault in your lover but shutting your mouth for the good of a marriage. *Love is *having to give & take in a marriage. Learning where to stop an argument when it is not important to win. Winning sometimes can be losing. *Love is *being able to find in that precious other the boy in the man that you fell in love when you 1st married. *Love is *being able to go to the sexiest side of you & turn that man into mush after all these years. *Love is *being able to hear from your lover that if you die first he will follow you as he cannot live without you . *Love is *the sunshine in the morning when it is cloudy out but seeing him next to you makes your world. *Love is* being able to say screwing & not being embarrassed plus any other really dirty word in the bedroom as he loves it.
> 
> The dirtier the better as we all know that ladies do not talk dirty with those wonderful words but we also know as ladies that when we enter our bedroom to our precious that we leave the lady at the door. We then turn into his sex siren. As hot & as sensual as can be. And then we all know that when we leave that bedroom we again pick up the lady. All us ladies must have the two faces of Eve. This makes for a very very fullfilling marriage, full of intimacy and Love. A man would never stray if he had this.


 Love that ending !! 



> It sounds like your awakening was hormonally driven. I guess I am trying to get my head around the idea that my body is no longer youthful and attractive (in the stereotypical sence) I mean this is inarguable. Granted my H may love me and my body because it is connected to the one he loves but still.
> I still have a mental block where vibrators are concerned. I mean maybe if he read my post and begged me to do it I could take the “I’m doing it for him.. “ approach.


 It WAS hormonally driven ...very true....but I would say emotionally too ....kinda both coming in at the same time, stirring my dopamine levels really HIGH...in trying to figure out what was happening to me (plus my husband not being able to keep up), I started reading some books on Hormones (fasinating !!)..... when you combine testosteone & dopamine ...it has a way of = addiction..... My husband & Sex became my addiction.. .ha ha 

Post #3 is the other half of my story .... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ping-dopamine-flowing-long-term-marriage.html




> The other hang up is my adult material. (and no judgements or warnings here from the anti-porn folks) I just think it would add some variety to our sex life. I think a lot of this stems from jealousy. I know he J/O's to images of young women and I am OK with that as it doesn’t interfere with our sex live as he is generally available to meet my needs. I used to be not so jealous in this way.


 You sound pretty liberated to me. :smthumbup: I , too, enjoy a little Porn...but I search for the Soft, the Romantic....We even rented it for a time, I went after all the "HOW TO videos" in the beginning....just to spice it up & start doing all those things we never tried ! 

I was draining my husband so bad, he'd wouldn't have a drop left for







. This was my husband >>









But funny... he never did that during our marriage... as he told me ( once we FINALLY opened up the sexual communication) ~ that he felt







was like "cheating" (his words)... although he looked at Playboy bunnys since he was like 12 yrs old....but during our marriage...he always waited for me... every single time. 

I looked at him and said ..."well I was a cheater then!!" .... he was shocked I masterbated.... I was shocked he didn't! :rofl: This is how badly we missed each other ...all because we didn't open up about sex, our desires...feeling some things are too taboo.....

So there we were....enjoying our romps under the sheets/ dim lights / 2 positions / in the emotionally connected quietness for 19 long years.... always loved sex, no feeling under God Green earth could compare, something you just can't put into words really. I really don't feel I KNEW what I was missing ~ since in the emotional sense, I felt fullfilled the whole time anyway. 

But getting a little wild & crazy is a TON of FUN! 

Crazy looking back at this.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

I totally agree with SA’s comment that much of the problems that enter the bedroom (or lack of the bedroom LOL) come from resentment. When things go down in the BR it there are probably causes outside that could cause them. 

One of the things that I thought was very interesting is that Wiigirl and others indicate how drinks are helpful. It is funny that much of the breakthroughs I have had with my wife have been booze induces. Not that I get her drunk and do bad things LOL but, that she is more “free” for lack of a better term when she has had a couple drinks. 

I recently read a post from an H here that gave an honest reply regarding his wife watching porn something to the effect “I would not want my wife enjoying that sort of ‘filfth’ “. Indicating on some levels for many men that the double standard still exists. IE. that we men will somehow think less of a women that will indulge us and join us in our “filth” as he called it. This was an eye-opening comment as it underscored the idea that on some level women’s fears (that they may be judged) are in fact real and perhaps in some way justified depending on who you are married to. 

To this point I just realized (like a brick hitting me on the head) is that if we want our wives less inhibited we need to reassure them and have them understand (and truly believe) that we will not think less of them and will not judge them now or down the road.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

My wife used the be very inhibited unless she had a few drinks in her. There were lots of sex acts she would normally refuse to do, but if she was drunk, she was pretty much up for anything.

We did several months of marraige counseling and sex therapy earlier this year, and she has gotten over all of her sexual hang-ups, many of which came from a strict Catholic upbringing and other childhood issues that caused her to be very repressed. What other posters would call the "good girl" syndrome.

Now she is happy to be experiemental, and to indulge in things that she previously thought were "icky" or "dirty" (taking my c*ck in her mouth after it has been in her p*ssy, light bondage, anal play (no penetration, just play), swallowing my c*m, more willing to give and receive oral, etc.).

The therapist posited that if she was willing to do these things when she was drunk, that it was an inhibition issue that could be overcome with counseling and therapy, and it seems to have worked!


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