# Melting Down : Please help



## HusbandInPain (Nov 8, 2011)

Hi all

I'm brand new here, and from the UK, so forgive me if I trespass on some forum etiquette I am unaware of. I need some advice, some help, and this seems a good place to start.

I've been married for two years. Two short years. To a wife that shared everything with me - we shared the same hobbies, the same interests, the same life. we spent every weekend doing things together. My wife and I were completely trusting of each other, to the point that I let her go on a week long diving course to Malta with two friends of mine. Unfortunately, during this trip, she got too close to one of the guys. They ended up arm in arm, holding hands etc, and then spenmding the night in the same roomn. She swears no sex, but who knows. I almost don't care. This was my soulmate who has betrayed me and I am devastated. I found out because she started acting strange when she came back - being unusually talkative about him and defensive of him when criticised. I asked several times what was going on as I knew sometrhing wasn't right, but she obnviously denied everything. She claims she was trying to ignore her feelings for him , and as he lives 500 miles away (a world away in the UK), then she hoped it could be behind them with no-one hurt.

Unfortunately, that weekend we all went away on another diving trip together and at the end of the night she went for a walk to walk the dogs in a big dark field, and he followed her. I crept into the field and caught them kissing. I made my presence felt and of course the tears and screaming started. 

This was about ten days ago.

Since then she has sat down and tried to explain everything that happened - although she claims she does not know why as she alwayts thought we had a wonderful marriage. She says she cannot figure out why she did it, although sheis aware of the enormity of her betrayal and is disgusted at herself. We have agreed to go to counselling. We have satarted reading self help books together. 

My emotions are really messed up. Strangely, I really desire her, I think because I want to be more intimate with her than she was with him. But its not there. She says she is still messed up over him - there was definitely an emotional connection, and she has huge guilt. I am rotating between bouts of crying and fury as things slot into place and reasons for her actions start to make sense. The rest of the time I am null. She is a little afraid of how I am reacting because she doesn't know if I am going to break down one minute or start picking at her for betraying me.

She CLAIMS she wants the marriage to work. She has cut off all communication with my old buddy, and I believe her in this matter. Frankly, she's a crap liar which is how I saw thorugh it all in the first place. She has also given me free reign to examine her email / facebook / phones whenever I want, although I am trying hard to to slip into a well of paranaoia in this regard.

My fear is she is not fighting. It is ME that has bought the self help books. Me that has arranged the counselling. I want to become intimate but it is her holding back. She is now giving me a lot more affection in terms of hugging and kissing, and doesn't stop apologising, but I think it took a few days for the emormity of it all to sink in. Friendships have been shattered, a business relationship destroyed, and most importantly the free trust and devoation and loyaty we had been is gone forever. We socalise in a small group, most of whom know what happened because they walked arm in arm down the road whilst away on holiday. The third member of that holiday - my other friend - wants nothing to do with either of them because they repeatedly denied what was going on when he questioned them and he is disgusted. She seems painfully aware of all of this, and God knows I am. I love her desperately and want it to work. She says the same thing, but obviously my trust in her has been badly shaken, although I want to believe her so much.

I guess what I'm saying is....does anyone of this sound normal for this situation, because right now I feel completely out of control. I am losing weight and not sleeping. I cannot believe any of this has happened. Today I am just numb. I am frightened of what tomorrow will bring. I genuinely believe I caught the affair at the beginning, but that knowledge doesn't make the betrayal hurt any less.

Thanks

G


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I will start by giving you a 2X4 - Well in hindsight what type of husband let's his wife go alone without him with other men, do you live in a make believe world where you think most men can be trusted not to want to get their whistle wet with the nearest available woman.Change you outlook on life and do not ever trust your wife with any man again.

For any healing to be done your wife has to be repentant and truely remorseful .

Start by having her hand write a no contact letter to the OM, this will show if she is willing to drop the OM and helps you.

No Contact Letter

Together tell her parents of the affair and ask for their support .

For any relationship to recover after an affair there has to be input from both of you. Your wife must understand that you are going to go through hell and she must make every effort to evidence in words and deeds she is committed to you.

You in turn should keep a very close eye on your wife , most often the affair goes underground and any perceived recovery is false.

It is unlikley you can recover without outside help, both of you should read "surviving an affair" by Harley and try the following

Love Busters Questionnaire

I would suggest she registers on that site for guidance as to the steps she should take . Do not let her know you are here , this is your safe haven.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First off. You have to uncover the truth. Set up a polygraph. When you do, let her know. She will most likely confess to sex with the OM. You need to know for sure. Did you kick her out? Have her stay at her parents. Your response to her will set the ground work for any reconciliation.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The fact this happened so early in the M doesn’t sit well, she apparently doesn’t have much respect for you if she is cheating right out the gate. 

She screwed up and gave you a valid reason to end things so SHE needs to be doing the work, not you. You didn’t do anything wrong and you need to understand that you can’t fix her, she needs to fix herself or you are going to take away her motivation to do anything. 

It sounds like she still has feelings for the OM which would explain why she isn’t putting forth an effort AND also means there’s a danger of her starting it up again once the dust settles. You are not going to get anywhere with her as long as she is still idealizing him. 

I would pull back. Stop buying books and pushing her to work on the M. I’d let her know you have one foot out the door and that maybe you can’t deal with the situation anymore since she is apparently still hung up on him, unremorseful, and not putting any effort into fixing herself. If she doesn’t know why she did it (she knows why, she just doesn’t want to say so not to hurt your feelings) then what’s to stop her from doing it again?

You can’t nice them back, you have to think tough love. She is going to have to suffer in one form or fashion to appreciate what she almost lost.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

They had sex. The continued bind she has to him shows that.

Ok, stepping back wtf is wrong with you that you let your wife go off for a drive with other men without you. It's not about trust, that is just stupid.

Next, ths guy totally crossed the line , took your wife, and you go on another driving trip wth him? Both of you should be never seeing this piece of trash again, unless it is with you boot in contact with his a$$. He is not you buddy, he s a guy who moved in a so called friends wife. He is pond scum.

Strep 0,. She needs to have sex wth you. Right now she is reluctant because the OM has had her and she doesn't want to betray him. He s her sexual priority right nw, and you need to reclaim her.

Step 1. End the affair between them. She must write and send a NC letter.
Step 2. She must understand that she is your wife and you will not share. Any contact between them will cause you to file for divorce. Let her know that.
Step 3. Take her offer to check up and use it, but be wary of any affair phones or secret email she may use.
Step 4. Schedule that polygraph and tell her here is her one chance to be fully honest. You already should know they had sex, this just her admitting it.
Step 5. Counselling or a marriage rebuilding book fir both of you.

Mean while stop being stupid and stop socializing with the pOSOM, tell the other people in the group that he seriously crossed a boundary and went after your wife, and that he is out of the group.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Divorce her. At least take steps towards a divorce. If you don't see her taking huge steps to repair the marriage then finalize it. Your wife looks like one of the nut-cases that will keep you in a limbo while lying to you and then finally separate leaving you destroyed. Remember, she lied to you repeatedly. Other forms of communications are certainly there.

I also hope that you punched the POSOM atleast once in his face..


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

HusbandInPain said:


> Unfortunately, during this trip, she got too close to one of the guys. *They ended up arm in arm, holding hands etc, and then spending the night in the same room. She swears no sex*, but who knows. I almost don't care.


You should care. So much so that you should not be having sex until the two of you pass a STD (sexually transmitted disease) examination.

Unfaithful wives lie all the time when they say that there was no sex with the OM. They do it to minimize the hurt it will cause their husbands if they ever find out. *No married woman spends the night in the same room with another man who isn't her husband and not have sex with that man.* Secondly, unless she suffers from sexual addiction or some personality disorder, no married woman simply gives herself to another man without some past preparation. It is almost a safe bet that she and the OM (other man) had been having an EA (emotional affair) before the trip and turned it into a PA (physical affair) once they were together. *Make no mistake, they had plans to get together and have sex.*

I'm a firm believer that the betrayed spouse's personal recovery from the trauma of marital betrayal should come first no matter what the outcome of the marriage. I strongly advise that YOU seek professional counseling specifically targeted for helping betrayed spouses to emotionally heal.

My oldest daughter has a friend who suffered from PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) as a result of combat in Afghanistan a couple of years ago. Earlier this year he underwent a type of therapy called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and now many months later, he no longer suffers from PTSD. If you are interested in knowing more about it, here's an article titled *EMDR: An Approach to Healing Betrayal Wounds in Couples Counseling*. I strongly advise that you look into this kind of therapy.



> She CLAIMS she wants the marriage to work. She has cut off all communication with my old buddy, and I believe her in this matter. Frankly, she's a crap liar which is how I saw through it all in the first place. She has also given me free reign to examine her email/facebook / phones whenever I want, although I am trying hard to to slip into a well of paranoia in this regard.
> 
> My fear is she is not fighting. It is ME that has bought the self help books. Me that has arranged the counseling. I want to become intimate but it is her holding back.


For this very reason you should inform your wife that she is on probation and that you may yet end up filing for divorce. If she doesn't want to loose you she will not become complacent and will do whatever is necessary to regain your trust. *Women are attracted to emotionally strong men who respect themselves enough to leave them and are repulsed by emotionally weak men who are needy and fearful. Which of the two types of men are you?*


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

With your wife equivocating and no kids in your marriage (at least you didn't mention any), I would keep divorce as an option.

Divorce would be hard, since you love her. But reconciliation after an affair may be more difficult. 2-5 years is the time frame usually cited to fully accept the affair and move past it.

You are understandably grieving the loss of innocence in your marriage. You will never again blindly trust your wife, or any other woman, as someone who loves you completely and would never hurt you. Adjusting your view of your wife from someone who loves you so completely that she would never hurt you into someone who loves you, but will destroy you under the right set of circumstances, takes time.

Your wanting to be intimate with her is also normal. You have a biological urge to compete with other men showing interest in your wife. The penis serves as a semen displacement tool for sperm competition. Hysterical bonding (a period of greatly increased sexual frequency) is a common reaction to infidelity.

Your emotional roller coaster is also normal. Given that you saw them kissing, you may have skipped over the denial phase of the grieving process to anger. Bargaining, depression, and acceptance are coming.

The most successful strategy for reconciliation is probably for you to pull back from her. She needs to accept responsibility for her shameful actions and decide that she wants your marriage to succeed. If she does, you have a chance. At that point, you can examine your role in the state of your marriage prior to the affair. That doesn't excuse her affair. Having an affair in response to an unhappy marriage is the worst option possible. But you need to realize that your marriage likely wasn't as happy as you thought it was and you may need to change your behaviors in the future to improve it.

Good luck.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have been married for only 2 years. And she's cheating already. You two should still be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage, yet she is already sleeping with another man.

If she can do this now, what happens when the marriage settles to a routine, kids, money issues, etc? 

She's checked out of the marriage already. Why should she stay with the marriage when there is a problem? She has an escape route programmed in her head now.

To me, your future in the marriage is going to be problematic, and fidelity, trust and faith are not going to be there for you, ever. You'll always have pictures/movies in your mind of her kissing and making out with your "friend".

Continuing with your marriage is going to be a big mistake. Your brand new cheating wife has given you a get-out card. Use it.


(Dump that friend of yours and expose him to his wife/girlfriend and his family and yours.)


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And...

If you continue to stay married to your wife, it will be difficult to have any male friends anymore. You'll be wondering which of your other male friends she'll be interested in.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Your wife is a real piece of work. She spends the night in your friend's room and you know they had sex. You both need to get tested for STD's. You then catch them kissing each other later. She is really bad news. You have been married only 2 years and she is screwing around on you.

Most certainly get a polygraph but it is obvious she had sex with him. The bottom line is that she screwed another guy and it did not bother her that it was a friend of yours which makes it a double betrayal. 

After only 2 years in the marriage and she is doing this. Welcome to your future. Don't waste your time on her. It is time to move on and find someone else who truly loves and respects you because she does not. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Why, oh why, would you be okay with your wife vacationing with other men who aren't her relatives? 

Now she is all emotional and weepy about this special new guy. That won't end until she grows up. Odds of that happening are pretty sparse considering her actions up to this point. 

Lots of trouble for so early in the marriage. My main advice would be to start getting ready to cover your rear end.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

MC and polygraph, or divorce ! 

I know you love her, but her having A this early in marraige shows she just may not be a good marriage material in the first place, or at least she never was all that into you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> I will start by giving you a 2X4 - *Well in hindsight what type of husband let's his wife go alone without him with other men, do you live in a make believe world where you think most men can be trusted not to want to get their whistle wet with the nearest available woman.Change you outlook on life and do not ever trust your wife with any man again.*


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Total FAIL ... WTF. That is like giving everyone permission to engage.

Instigation - Someone instigated the trip and suggested she go with them without you.

Isolation - They went on a diving trip without you. UFB.

Escalation - They went for it and she ended up in their room. Then it kept going. Sex happened. Count on it.

The fact she was willing to be left alone with these men without you says a lot. She should not have felt so comfortable with this.

There is much more to this.

Not quite the same thing ... actually worse. http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/2011/10/three-day-rule-for-guests.html

The three day rule pointing out that a woman will not readily cohabitate with another man unless there is some comfort to it. Like attraction. But in this case it is not just being in proximty to another man, but also in isolation from her husband.


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