# I will not lose my kids!!



## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

I am here for advice. I am here for experienced knowledge. I hear to learn how to fight for me and my kids. I need to protect my kids. I need to protect myself. I need to be able to get through this without losing my purpose, my passion, or my self-worth. Please bear with the long read, but details are important in understanding the larger picture.

Let me start out by saying I haven’t been the supportive husband my wife deserves for a few years now. I’m not perfect and I’ll be the first to admit it. My faults are not being financially responsible in her eyes and my repeated failure to follow through on things I said I would do. I’ve had business failures. I had to shut down a construction company I started last Summer while battling an illness earlier this year, and that took a financial hit on our family. I’m not abusive physically or emotionally, nor have I ever been. I have always loved my wife and kids (3 adopted - 13, 11 & 5) with all of my heart, putting their wellbeing before mine.

Earlier I battle with Long-Covid, and it was what I thought to be the hardest, darkest time in my life. It affected my brain, putting me into a deep depressive state, as well as causing some cognitive issues such as the inability to postulate words I wanted to use and the inability to seek as if I were a stroke patient. Before covid we were doing ok. Through this time though (3-4 month), she took on a lot of stresses. But as my recovery progressed and my mind started clearing up, I was able to acknowledge my need for help and change within me. I’ve now started back to school to become an RN and plan to be working in a hospital as a CNA by the end of this year. Up till a couple months ago I have been a stay-at-home dad for the majority of the last 8 years.

About 4 weeks ago. Sept. 16, I had an exploratory surgery to try and find reasons for some stomach issues I’ve been dealing with for the past year and a half. The very next day, while I’m in bed recovering, my wife can into our room and brought up the topic of divorce that she has been thinking about. My first word to her were, “I’m not losing my children.” We talk about it, and I brought up marriage counseling. She was completely against the idea but finally agreed to give it a try. Because I was recovering, I asked her if she would be willing to reach out to our pastor and get some suggestions for counselors. She agreed and started getting information on some counselors and contacted them. There was some back-and-forth phone calls and messages but as far as I was aware, she was working out the details of time and costs with a provider.

Fast forward to Oct. 3. My got home from work earlier than she had been for a number of months. I was in my office working on coursework and my kids were playing and watching TV. After some time had passed, she came in and asked if we could talk. She rewound back to the conversation we had a few weeks past and flat out told me she wants a divorce. My heart shattered. I asked her about the counseling we had agreed to try, and she said she didn’t think it would work and that she did not want to even try it. I once again told her, “I’m not losing my kids.” She stated that they’ll still see both of us leading me to believe we would have equal 50/50 custody. She made hints that she wanted me to move out and that she wanted me to assume all financial responsibilities for any debts had have cost us past or present. She has been the sole income provider for our family. She knows I have no way of doing either of those. She also made it clear that she has no plans to sell the house or utilize its capital when splitting assets.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to you, but I didn’t sleep a wink until almost midnight on Tuesday. It took me 2 days before I could speak a word to anyone. Not by choice by because my voice vanished. After informing her the next afternoon that I was going to be sleeping in our bed going forward as the one downstair was too hard for my back, she has slept down there since and has slowly been moving her stuff from the bathroom and closet down there.

Ok. Enough back story. For now. She has been come cold to me. She has no compassion or care as to how this has and will affect me. I had to force myself to come to the realization that she has completely shut me out and given up on me as a person. The feeling of your spouse abandoning you and showing you how you are no longer worth fighting for I debilitating to say the least. Any attempt I’ve made to try or ask for her to seek help with me, has been met with completely closed off heart. I can’t even talk to her without her finding a way to make me feel small.

As much as I want to fight for my marriage of 15+ years and to honor the vow I mad to her before God, I can’t see her ever wanting the same. I hindsight of this past week’s events, I truly believe that she has been checked out for months. I have no choice but to proceed. I have to look forward for my kids. I have to push through, finally complete my college education (going back to school in another state step you back a couple years), find a full-time job as a CNA, be available for my kids when their emotions and doubts get the best of them, fight for my kids and myself throughout the divorce process, all while finding any once of spare time to spend with my kids and reinforce to them that they are innocent in this and they are fully loved by both of us.

Further in hindsight, I now suspect my wife has been emotionally unfaithful. She’s stopped telling me story about the security guy that escorts her at work. She hasn’t asked about me in months. She all the sudden started going into work before my kids and I were even awake and coming home 30-90 minutes later than previously. She started putting more attention into her appearance and increasing the amount of time she takes to prep.

I confronted her about this a couple different occasion, rewording my question to try to get a different answer from her. Her only response has been, “there is no relationship.” I never asked about a relationship I ask if there was someone else who has played a part in her decision. Never a straight answer or was immediately deflected and turned on me and something I did in the past.

She no longer agrees that we will have 50/50 custody. She fully expects me to move out now and take nothing with me. She repeatedly brings up the misgivings of my past. She has gone as far now as to denying me access to the parental control application for my oldest phone. Stating that she paid for the phone, we gave him for Christmas last year.

As the one who supports our family financially, she has been in control of our finances for 10+ years. She has a separate checking and savings I have never had access to therefor know no other about where we stand in regards. When she buys things, she say she bought it with money from her account. When I buy something with our joint account, which has very limited funds, I get the third degree on what and why I bought something.

Am I being naïve to have ever thought this could be done amicably? I have a consultation with a highly rated attorney on Thursday. I don't know what she's planning. She has been uncharacteristically showing interest in our kids’ video games and tv shows. She hasn't gone back into the office since she broke the news to me last Monday, while telling me for months that she has to go in and that working from home was only allowed in special circumstances and with permission. I have no desire to talk her down to my kids or to prevent them from spending time with them. But I don’t feel she shares those same sentiments anymore. Thank you in advance for your feedback.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Do not, I repeat, do not leave the house. Wait until you consult with the lawyer. He will guide you as to what to do. She can demand whatever the heck she wants, but it means nothing. Your lawyer will tell you what is and what is not.

In the meantime carry a video recording device with you at all time that you are interacting with her to avoid false accusations of DV (domestic violence). Time to be smart, cool, and mentally strong.

Do not show her any emotions. Do not reduce yourself to a pity party in her eyes. Let her see the strongest version of you ever. Show your dignity and self respect; otherwise, she'll think even less of you.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Do not, I repeat, do not leave the house. Wait until you consult with the lawyer. He will guide you as to what to do. She can demand whatever the heck she wants, but it means nothing. Your lawyer will tell you what is and what is not.
> 
> In the meantime carry a video recording device with you at all time that you are interacting with her to avoid false accusations of DV (domestic violence). Time to be smart, cool, and mentally strong.
> 
> Do not show her any emotions. Do not reduce yourself to a pity party in her eyes. Let her see the strongest version of you ever. Show your dignity and self respect; otherwise, she'll think even less of you.


I have no plans of moving out until I have been advised by an attorney to do so. I also have no money, so there's that. I have showed emotions, but I have not let them dictate my actions. I have not raised my voice, I've never raised a hand to her, and I have not told her once what she should do. I make decisions based on what is best for me and my relationship with my kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with Rob, don't leave your home until your attorney tells you that it's ok to do so. 

Where are you sleeping right now? Is there a separate room that you can move into as your own bedroom?

Your wife is misguided if she thinks that she sets the rules for divorce. The law does. If she had been the sole earner for most of your marriage, you can most likely get alimoney and child support from her until you are on your feet financially. Talk to the lawyer about this. Often there is interim alimoney (spousal support) until the divorce is final. Whether or not you can get for some period after divorce, your attorney will know.

Push for 50/50 child custody. Again, your attorney can help with this.

If you don't have a bank account, open one and start moving money into it even if it's a small amount.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> I have no plans of moving out until I have been advised by an attorney to do so. I also have no money, so there's that. I have showed emotions, but I have not let them dictate my actions. I have not raised my voice, I've never raised a hand to her, and I have not told her once what she should do. I make decisions based on what is best for me and my relationship with my kids.


Your attorney can petition the court to order your wife to pay your legal fees. Ask about that.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> Your attorney can petition the court to order your wife to pay your legal fees. Ask about that.


I plan on that. I'm blessed to have a family that is on my side and supporting me in what ways they are able though they are all physically 700+ miles away. I am physically on my own. We moved her just before Covid so I have developed not friendship outside the home. Her family is all around. The sphere of influence my kids are getting is extremely lopsided and tainted.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with Rob, don't leave your home until your attorney tells you that it's ok to do so.
> 
> Where are you sleeping right now? Is there a separate room that you can move into as your own bedroom?
> 
> ...


She has moved into the guest room downstairs. My heart has no desire to make this an ugly fight, but my logic and reasoning knows that she has left me no choice. I will fight for my kids till my dying breath. I will never abandon hope, even I know I will have time were it seems like the easy thing to do. My kids will not go without their father in their lives.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Fighting for your kids might involve getting a job so are you willing to get one?

Was it a mutual decision for you to stay at home? It seems that you've basically been another child she has to take care of and that is unattractive.

So definitely get legal advice but also work on getting on your own 2 feet and supporting yourself. You are way too dependent on her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you are in the US unless you are now somehow incompetent which it doesn't sound like, or some sort of addict, or violent which it doesn't sound like, you will get 50/50 custody of the kids. You will each have them and be completely responsible for them for the time you have them.

What you need is an attorney and they will set your mind to rest.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Fighting for your kids might involve getting a job so are you willing to get one?
> 
> Was it a mutual decision for you to stay at home? It seems that you've basically been another child she has to take care of and that is unattractive.
> 
> So definitely get legal advice but also work on getting on your own 2 feet and supporting yourself. You are way too dependent on her.


I've been on that path long before this happened. I should have my CNA complete and passed by mid-December. The program I'm doing does it's student clinical hours at the hospital I want to work at. I have made some great connection/friendships with a couple doctors who work there, who have offered to write letters of recommendations for me.

The decision to for me to stay home was mutual as she had the greater income. We knew the trauma and abuse that our oldest two (2.5 & a week into being 5 at that time) had endured. Me staying home was never for my own benefit. From the moment I knew we would be bring them home, they have been my priority. I lost over 10lbs in the first week. Spending 4-5 hours each night trying to put a 5 year old with PTS and trust issues to bed was not a picnic. This lasted for months and new behaviors were presenting themself all the time. What they need more then anything was someone who had the love, the patients and the understanding of what needs they were try to fulfill through there actions. I regret nothing about being a stay at home dad, even knowing about all the stress and emotions I dealt with along side them. They are amazing kids and I'm so proud of what they've overcome and that I get to be their father. I put my kids first because that's what they needed and still need.

I will land on my own two feet. I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about me. My kids are my priority and that will not change how I approach this dissolution of marriage. I never sought to be nor put myself in the situation where I was dependent on my wife. We both do what we need to do to give our kids the best life as we can, and it has always been the plan for me to go back and finish school once my youngest started kindergarten; which he did in early September. This plan has been though through, discussed about and in motion for a long time.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you are in the US unless you are now somehow incompetent which it doesn't sound like, or some sort of addict, or violent which it doesn't sound like, you will get 50/50 custody of the kids. You will each have them and be completely responsible for them for the time you have them.
> 
> What you need is an attorney and they will set your mind to rest.


Before Covid, my wife traveled for work fairly often. Taking care of them while they're with me doesn't frighten me one bit. It's the times when I'll be with out them that terrifies me. But I have to look forward at those time and get excited about the day they'll be back with me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

[email protected] said:


> I've been on that path long before this happened. I should have my CNA complete and passed by mid-December. The program I'm doing does it's student clinical hours at the hospital I want to work at. I have made some great connection/friendships with a couple doctors who work there, who have offered to write letters of recommendations for me.
> 
> The decision to for me to stay home was mutual as she had the greater income. We knew the trauma and abuse that our oldest two (2.5 & a week into being 5 at that time) had endured. Me staying home was never for my own benefit. From the moment I knew we would be bring them home, they have been my priority. I lost over 10lbs in the first week. Spending 4-5 hours each night trying to put a 5 year old with PTS and trust issues to bed was not a picnic. This lasted for months and new behaviors were presenting themself all the time. What they need more then anything was someone who had the love, the patients and the understanding of what needs they were try to fulfill through there actions. I regret nothing about being a stay at home dad, even knowing about all the stress and emotions I dealt with along side them. They are amazing kids and I'm so proud of what they've overcome and that I get to be their father. I put my kids first because that's what they needed and still need.
> 
> I will land on my own two feet. I'm not worried about that. I'm not worried about me. My kids are my priority and that will not change how I approach this dissolution of marriage. I never sought to be nor put myself in the situation where I was dependent on my wife. We both do what we need to do to give our kids the best life as we can, and it has always been the plan for me to go back and finish school once my youngest started kindergarten; which he did in early September. This plan has been though through, discussed about and in motion for a long time.


Ok, it's good you have a plan. My sister is a CNA and it doesn't pay much so continue on to nursing school. As a nurse you'll do ok.

You're not going to lose your kids. Your wife doesn't get to decide what kind of custody you get so unless there's something you're not telling us you'll get 50/50.

Forget about your wife....she's done. Continue on the path to self sufficiency. I frequently tell women that staying home with no means to support themselves is a bad idea for precisely this reason so focus on yourself. A father who has himself together is the best thing foe kids.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, it's good you have a plan. My sister is a CNA and it doesn't pay much so continue on to nursing school. As a nurse you'll do ok.
> 
> You're not going to lose your kids. Your wife doesn't get to decide what kind of custody you get so unless there's something you're not telling us you'll get 50/50.
> 
> Forget about your wife....she's done. Continue on the path to self sufficiency. I frequently tell women that staying home with no means to support themselves is a bad idea for precisely this reason so focus on yourself. A father who has himself together is the best thing foe kids.


I've done what I've done and I'll continue to down this same path with the same end goal, no matter this situation. I'm busting my butt in school to better myself so I can better support my kids. Nursing programs are super competitive and I will make myself stand out so I have the best chance of getting into one. Becoming a CNA has never been the long term plan. It's pay as good as being a burger flipper. It was solely a path to get my foot in the door at a hospital and while being able to contribute to our finances while I finish school. I never even considered the risks because I've never believed divorce to be the definitive answer to marriage problems. We've had them before and we've always work through them together. I was never in our vocabulary. With that said, I know who I am. I know my kids have complete respect for me as their father and they know I would never abandon them. Yeah, she made me feel abandoned and unwanted, but that hasn't change who I to my kids. It'll probably assuage my view on relationship for a while, but I'm sure that to will come to pass in time.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@[email protected] 

Why have you not contributed much to the finances in your marriage all these years? My question is not meant to come down on you, but instead I think this info might help understand some of what's going on.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

[email protected] said:


> *I am here for advice...... I hear to learn how to fight for me and my kids. I need to protect my kids. *
> 
> ......The very next day, while I’m in bed recovering, my wife can into our room and *brought up the topic of divorce that she has been thinking about*. My first word to her were, “I’m not losing my children.” We talk about it, and I brought up marriage counseling. She was completely against the idea but finally agreed to give it a try. Because I was recovering, I asked her if she would be willing to reach out to our pastor and get some suggestions for counselors. She agreed and started getting information on some counselors and contacted them. There was some back-and-forth phone calls and messages but as far as I was aware, she was working out the details of time and costs with a provider.
> 
> ...


Your wife has made her position very clear to you. You can't force her to stay married to you, even if you want. You can fight a divorce, but you will not win that battle. You need to accept that she wants to divorce you and she will likely get her way. The best you can hope for is a fair division of assets. Keep your appointment with the attorney.

Your focus on your kids is appropriate.

Your priority needs to be to keep your options open in divorce, but devote yourself to getting your education completed and developing a paying career. If you can develop a good paying career, everything else can work itself out, even if it is not with your wife.

You need to work on being strong and focusing on your plan to become financially independent.

Good luck to you.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @[email protected]
> 
> Why have you not contributed much to the finances in your marriage all these years? My question is not meant to come down on you, but instead I think this info might help understand some of what's going on.


Take a look at #10 in the thread. It explains the why.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Take a look at #10 in the thread. It explains the why.


Somehow, I didn't see that post. From what you say, you did the right thing. Your children needed at least one parent who could concentrate on them since they had a lot to overcome.

Make sure that you let your lawyer know that you have been the primary care giver to your children. They went through a lot before you adopted them, and then again to adjust to their new family. This divorce will most likely be very hard on them and they need as much stability as possible.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Your attorney can petition the court to order your wife to pay your legal fees. Ask about that.


And spousal support as well as child support should be discussed.
If you own the house together - half the equity should also be discussed. Also ask about her retirement account. Look around. Take copies of your tax returns and keep them separate.
See if you can find statements for bank accounts and her retirement account.
Keep copies of everything you can find in a safe, separate place outside the home.

I wonder how she thinks she will have the kids cared for while she is working. What field is she working in?


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## visionary (Mar 4, 2020)

I feel you for you in your situation. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and your confidence is inspiring.

What helped me prepare for the divorce was looking at the main documents that need to be negotiated between the two spouses. And if the spouses can't agree, then that's where mediation and/or the court get involved in thr litigation process. Even though my ex and I didn't always see eye-to-eye, we determined to negotiate every single parameter of the documents so that we made those decisions together, instead of the court.

The documents are not the same in every state, but the basic things to be decided for us were:

Division of Assets
Division of Debts
Child Support / Spousal Support
Physical Custody of Children
Legal Custody of Children

And the documents can be customizable to include information about income from tax returns (who gets to claim the kids as dependents?), and other things that could be important about taking care of the children. You're in the early phases now and it sounds like your wife hasn't even filed for divorce yet. But it might be good to take a look at these forms, ahead of your meeting with the lawyer, to maximine your understanding of what needs to be decided.

As you're becoming a CNA, I'd recommend looking into local travel assignments. Even though they are temporary on paper, there is a lack of CNAs in most places. I have heard that the travel assignments come with higher pay and often with benefits.

Re: her family supporting her side and not yours. That is tough. I'm sure it feels like you're being ganged up on. Hopefully you can make some supportive friends at work and build a local support network. It would be good to grow rhinoceros skin to any comments from your wife or her family... In one ear and out the other. You could keep a record of anything your kids share etc. about what's being said about you. It will not be favorable for your wife if it is brought up (with evidence) before a mediator or a judge.

Make sure you're taking steps to take care of yourself. Take some time to go for a walk / get out of the house while your wife is taking care of the kids in her off time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ll be blunt, she’s gone and she ain’t coming back. Don’t try to get her back as that will just be a complete waste of time, energy and money.

focus your energies towards protecting your rights to your entitled marital assets and contact with your children.

I agree with the others to not do anything until you have consulted your attorney.

do what your attorney says and do not do anything your says not to nor do anything that you think is a better idea than your attorney.

anything you think is a good idea will be wrong.

do what the attorney says and only what the attorney says.

mad long as you have not been addicted or abusive or criminally neglectful, you will not lose access to your kids.

you may even be entitled to some child and perhaps even spousal support as long as you don’t screw it up by doing something dumb or agreeing to something stupid in hopes of charming her back.

Two simple steps her -

- get an attorney.

- do what attorney says.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I may have missed this but your wife said 50/50 custody of the kids, why do you feel you need to fight for them if she isn’t seeking full custody?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

50/50 is fair. 

You really need to concentrate on becoming *financially independent *- not spending money you don't have battling in court for your kids when just like your wife, *you'll* be working full time as well. You'll BOTH be equal with respect to time available to your kids, so 50/50 is fair. That is, unless you expect your wife to continue supporting you indefinitely while you stay home long after you're separated and divorced?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That is, unless you expect your wife to continue supporting you indefinitely while you stay home long after you're separated and divorced?


not to turn this into a war of the sexes, but what you’ve said above is what generations of women have expected.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> not to turn this into a war of the sexes, but what you’ve said above is what generations of women have expected.


True, and to the extent women were not afforded opportunities to support themselves this was reasonable.

Now that women can support themselves they should, unless there's an agreement to the contrary. And certainly once the marriage ends the woman should work toward supporting herself if she doesn't already.

OP absolutely needs to get on his feet financially.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> True, and to the extent women were not afforded opportunities to support themselves this was reasonable.
> 
> Now that women can support themselves they should, unless there's an agreement to the contrary. And certainly once the marriage ends the woman should work toward supporting herself if she doesn't already.
> 
> OP absolutely needs to get on his feet financially.


agreed.

And he is stating he intends to do so.

we’ll see if he follows through.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I may have missed this but your wife said 50/50 custody of the kids, why do you feel you need to fight for them if she isn’t seeking full custody?


After I informed her that I was not moving out at this point, she changed her view from we'll share 50/50 to we'll see. That showed me that I have to prepare to fight if necessary.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> 50/50 is fair.
> 
> You really need to concentrate on becoming *financially independent *- not spending money you don't have battling in court for your kids when just like your wife, *you'll* be working full time as well. You'll BOTH be equal with respect to time available to your kids, so 50/50 is fair. That is, unless you expect your wife to continue supporting you indefinitely while you stay home long after you're separated and divorced?


I want 50/50. I want my kids to have equal time with both of us. Financial independence isn't something I'm am consciously working towards, it's some I've been busting my ass for long before any of this started. I *will be *financially independent. Have no doubts.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> agreed.
> 
> And he is stating he intends to do so.
> 
> we’ll see if he follows through.


Have not doubts about my followthrough.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

oldshirt said:


> not to turn this into a war of the sexes, but what you’ve said above is what generations of women have expected.


Though our household roles were a reverse of the societal norm for the past 8 years, be assured I have no expectation of receiving financial assistance from her for longer than absolutely necessary. Besides our shared parenting responsibilities, I want no financial involvement between us.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> After I informed her that I was not moving out at this point, she changed her view from we'll share 50/50 to we'll see. That showed me that I have to prepare to fight if necessary.


Keep in mind that while she might be thinking of putting up a fight right now, a fight will cost her a lot of money. She will need to pay an attorney to fight you. So that might very well get her to back down.

The fact that you have been the primary caretaker of your children should weigh heavily in your favor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

[email protected] said:


> Though our household roles were a reverse of the societal norm for the past 8 years, be assured I have no expectation of receiving financial assistance from her for longer than absolutely necessary. Besides our shared parenting responsibilities, I want no financial involvement between us.


This could be a point you can use to negotiate with her. If you earn less than she does and you share time 50/50, she will most likely be ordered to pay you child support. Of course, is some day you earn more than her (before the children reach 18) then she could go to court to get child support from you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

[email protected] said:


> After I informed her that I was not moving out at this point, she changed her view from we'll share 50/50 to we'll see. That showed me that I have to prepare to fight if necessary.


There's not going to be a fight.

She doesn't get to control your kid custody so don't even engage with her.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> There's not going to be a fight.
> 
> She doesn't get to control your kid custody so don't even engage with her.


I have no plans to engage her about custody or any other matter. But I have to be prepared to defend, in the chance she does. My expectations are not one sided, but more equality minded. She hurt me with her decision, but I have no want no need to go forward with spite. I know in the end, I'll be just fine. Sometimes the stress and anxiety gets the best of me emotionally, but I power through and focus on my future. I look at this way:

I'm not at the beginning of a new chapter in my life, but at the start of a whole new book in the series.​New characters will emerge. New experiences will take place. Ones from the old book will have limited to no influence in the new book.​


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> This could be a point you can use to negotiate with her. If you earn less than she does and you share time 50/50, she will most likely be ordered to pay you child support. Of course, is some day you earn more than her (before the children reach 18) then she could go to court to get child support from you.


EleGirl is right sounds like you have been primary care giver and she has earned more than you so typically you will get primary custody, child support and alimony. If you have a competent lawyer that should have already been explained. You need competent legal representation to know your rights.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

SongoftheSouth said:


> EleGirl is right sounds like you have been primary care giver and she has earned more than you so typically you will get primary custody, child support and alimony. If you have a competent lawyer that should have already been explained. You need competent legal representation to know your rights.


I have been interviewing attorneys with my brother (also an attorney) involved. I am going to be very thorough in my final selection.


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that while she might be thinking of putting up a fight right now, a fight will cost her a lot of money. She will need to pay an attorney to fight you. So that might very well get her to back down.
> 
> The fact that you have been the primary caretaker of your children should weigh heavily in your favor.


I am interested to hear your thoughts on a father was the main caretaker for the kids and his wife (all kind of cleaning on him 95%, cooking 100%, kids schooling 100%, kids caring 90%, living expenses 100%, wife graduate school tuition for 4 years on him 100%, .... For many years, he was in disagreement with the wife parenting or behaviors, but she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her. So, he will contain any problem and take the leads in almost everything to ensure the family does not sink. He has strong proof for all of that. After a dangerous incident occurred for the kids by their mother where many US departments where involved, the father put in the court a request for an emergency custody to safe the kids. 

The wife could not proof not even once to the court that she was a good mother, instead, the court put a protection order for the kids against the mother and ordered an evaluation for her mental and psychological assistances to be done on her (shaking results: including she does not have the basic parenting strategy and she needs to attend parenting educational classes, ...). Instead of proofing to the court that she was a good mother, she started putting lies like (he does not provide, he is abusive, her illnesses and hospitalizations were because of him, and added too many accusations without any evidence (all lies). The husband was in the position bringing the evidence to proof these are lies and he did.

However, what will you think of that wife which was a full time foreign student (dependent on her husband fully even school tuitions for more than 3 years) that has documented history of being the main reason for number of risky incidents where CPS and police where involved and yet they government system supported her by all means (cash assistance, other food supports, paying apartment's rents for a whole year!, paying for her lawyers!, paying over $4500 for cleaning the apartment for her to help her get ride of the (hoarding issue that she suffer from and help her to proof to the court that the apartment is clean and she is keeping it clean, yet she was not able to keep it clean!). PLUS, with no proof of abuse, the court put a protection order against the husband not to come close to the wife or contact her during a 50/50 custody for marriage couples!!! Why would she request that from the court? After few months, the husband got the shaking strong official documents for a relationship that exists.

Nothing slowed her down, instead money and support were coming from every direction!
What do you think the court or government were doing?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

NotSureAnyMore1 said:


> I am interested to hear your thoughts on a father was the main caretaker for the kids and his wife (all kind of cleaning on him 95%, cooking 100%, kids schooling 100%, kids caring 90%, living expenses 100%, wife graduate school tuition for 4 years on him 100%, .... For many years, he was in disagreement with the wife parenting or behaviors, but she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her. So, he will contain any problem and take the leads in almost everything to ensure the family does not sink. He has strong proof for all of that. After a dangerous incident occurred for the kids by their mother where many US departments where involved, the father put in the court a request for an emergency custody to safe the kids.
> 
> The wife could not proof not even once to the court that she was a good mother, instead, the court put a protection order for the kids against the mother and ordered an evaluation for her mental and psychological assistances to be done on her (shaking results: including she does not have the basic parenting strategy and she needs to attend parenting educational classes, ...). Instead of proofing to the court that she was a good mother, she started putting lies like (he does not provide, he is abusive, her illnesses and hospitalizations were because of him, and added too many accusations without any evidence (all lies). The husband was in the position bringing the evidence to proof these are lies and he did.
> 
> ...


Please start your own thread and leave this one for the OP.

You will get more and better advice with a thread that focuses on you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NotSureAnyMore1 said:


> I am interested to hear your thoughts on a father was the main caretaker for the kids and his wife (all kind of cleaning on him 95%, cooking 100%, kids schooling 100%, kids caring 90%, living expenses 100%, wife graduate school tuition for 4 years on him 100%, .... For many years, he was in disagreement with the wife parenting or behaviors, but she is convinced there is nothing wrong with her. So, he will contain any problem and take the leads in almost everything to ensure the family does not sink. He has strong proof for all of that. After a dangerous incident occurred for the kids by their mother where many US departments where involved, the father put in the court a request for an emergency custody to safe the kids.
> 
> The wife could not proof not even once to the court that she was a good mother, instead, the court put a protection order for the kids against the mother and ordered an evaluation for her mental and psychological assistances to be done on her (shaking results: including she does not have the basic parenting strategy and she needs to attend parenting educational classes, ...). Instead of proofing to the court that she was a good mother, she started putting lies like (he does not provide, he is abusive, her illnesses and hospitalizations were because of him, and added too many accusations without any evidence (all lies). The husband was in the position bringing the evidence to proof these are lies and he did.
> 
> ...


I think that the court/government were wrong in that situation based on what you posted. In the situation you post, the parents should have had 50/50 custody and time with the children. There are a lot of examples out there of bad outcomes in divorce with children. I've seen quite a few divorce cases in which the fathers (even if abusive) got 100% custody because the judge was very anti-mothers.

The first time I filed for divorce from my son's father, the judge gave him 100% custody even though he was home maybe 2 nights a week, maybe. So, I was not only supporting us financially, but I was also the primary caretaker of our son. My now ex was also often physically violent. The judge did not care. He got the 100% custody because he had a team of very high paid attorneys (paid out of his inherited savings). I stopped the divorce so that the judge's giving him 100% ended.

Sadly, there are a lot of wrong divorce outcomes.


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

[email protected] said:


> I have been interviewing attorneys with my brother (also an attorney) involved. I am going to be very thorough in my final selection.


I am so sorry to hear, but sometime things happen even if you do not like them to happen. I encourage you to think that there are good reasons behind them as the near future will show you that. I will say prepare really well. Cut the relationship with her discount but do not leave the house. Expect the court to have weak justice. Because you will be under the judge mercy not the justice unfortunately. Expect there will be external influence in the court. Expect she cross the red lines yet the court will do nothing while the court will be ready for you if you are near to cross any line. In most cases if the spouse is stupid, things will be ugly for everyone even after winning. It is going to be costly for both and as results that will have effect of everything. As a female, she can do things in the court to harm you by saying not true stuff with no evidence because the system supports her to some extent. In the other hand, you have to deal with that and proof it is not to safe yourself which will cost you money! Her acting in the court will not draw almost any harm on her, but when you try to harm her in the court will impact your position. There is some kind of support for the male in the court but there are lots of wrong assumptions. Take good care of your kids during this bad time, you, and make things easy on them. I know things will not be easy on you. Expect your spouse to do really bad stuff you never expected her to do. Make a plan after going through all of your cards (what, how, and when to use them) and do not use them all at the first hearing. Be innovative, nasty, and honest. Always remember, kids should not suffer, no parent should use the kids for revenge, and always think about what is best for the kids.


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## NotSureAnyMore1 (Dec 8, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the court/government were wrong in that situation based on what you posted. In the situation you post, the parents should have had 50/50 custody and time with the children. There are a lot of examples out there of bad outcomes in divorce with children. I've seen quite a few divorce cases in which the fathers (even if abusive) got 100% custody because the judge was very anti-mothers.
> 
> The first time I filed for divorce from my son's father, the judge gave him 100% custody even though he was home maybe 2 nights a week, maybe. So, I was not only supporting us financially, but I was also the primary caretaker of our son. My now ex was also often physically violent. The judge did not care. He got the 100% custody because he had a team of very high paid attorneys (paid out of his inherited savings). I stopped the divorce so that the judge's giving him 100% ended.
> 
> Sadly, there are a lot of wrong divorce outcomes.


Thanks for your comment. I totally agree. Yes the court gave 50/50 custody, but how in the earth you gave a parent 50% custody that has a history of hoarding issues, mental and psychological health problems, history of serious incidents on kids where protection orders were issued against her by the court not to harm the kids, zero understanding of how to take care of a kid (cooking, cleaning, teaching, ...) after all of these years, and completely not truthful even with taking care of the kids while CPS and policy are checking upon her?

Yes there are very bad examples. Wow, I am really surprised but I believe you because I have seen how people in the court under the judge mercy not the justice mercy. 
I am sorry to hear. It is unfortunate and unfair because we are not considering what is best for the kid/s. This is not justice. Look at my case, lawyers were hired by the government and court for her in order for her to have a batter chance covering and wiping her mistakes so she can win. I have seen a court issues a protection order with no policy or medical report or any other physical evidence that can support the accusations but for other targets (to give the other party a paper in hand that can be used to seek asylum and do other things), and when the question of how was raised, the answer was unfortunately another new temperature judge was there at the time of reporting and he/she did not know there was an emergency custody order against the person requesting the PO!!!


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## Goodbye (May 16, 2021)

Wishing you well. Sickness puts such a strain on marriage. But underneath that, it sounds like the marriage itself was crumbling regardless, because of the imbalance and dependency on your wife. If the first words out of your mouth when she expressed how she felt, were "I won't lose my kids" then maybe your devastation and your hope for counseling was not due in part even, to your love for your wife? As a wife, I wouldn't have felt that marriage counseling would've served a purpose in those circumstances either. 
With a good lawyer, it should work out for the best in the end. I don't read anything here that suggests you won't have fair access to your kids. In fact it feels to me like you'll have more access than your wife will, potentially, with her providing you with the needed financial support. But I'm no lawyer. All the best. I hope you get back on your feet, you meet someone new who you will love and who will love you back, and the kids will get the best possible outcome.


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## [email protected] (3 mo ago)

So, I realize that my original post was done with very uncontrolled and new emotions that had me spinning out of control with so many irrational thoughts. I can now say I have no fear of losing my kids. We are very civil and have agree 100% on how custody and time with our kids is going to work. So yeah, I was over reacting to something I hadn't had time to actually process though at that time. With a lot of prayer and counsel I have been able to pinpoint the origin of when our focus on each other and our marriage began to fade. It was 3,151 day ago. That was the day we brought home our two oldest kids from the county foster system; age 2.5 & 5. They came to us with lots of trauma, emotional abuse, malnourishment, and PTSD. These kids took 100% of our attention for easily the first two years, even after adoption. We still have to give them more attention than the average kids their age requires. I don't regret nor would my wife regret the decision to bring them into our family. But, we weren't prepared for the emotional impact it would take on our marriage. I will continue to fight for my marriage and will continue to honor the vows I made over 15 years ago. I will treat my wife the way God desires me to treat her and I will continue to work on myself to become the man that God desires me to be. 

Yeah. Everything in my original post is obsolete as it was posted in hast, fear and emotional strife. Take care and God bless.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

[email protected] said:


> So, I realize that my original post was done with very uncontrolled and new emotions that had me spinning out of control with so many irrational thoughts. I can now say I have no fear of losing my kids. We are very civil and have agree 100% on how custody and time with our kids is going to work. So yeah, I was over reacting to something I hadn't had time to actually process though at that time. With a lot of prayer and counsel I have been able to pinpoint the origin of when our focus on each other and our marriage began to fade. It was 3,151 day ago. That was the day we brought home our two oldest kids from the county foster system; age 2.5 & 5. They came to us with lots of trauma, emotional abuse, malnourishment, and PTSD. These kids took 100% of our attention for easily the first two years, even after adoption. We still have to give them more attention than the average kids their age requires. I don't regret nor would my wife regret the decision to bring them into our family. But, we weren't prepared for the emotional impact it would take on our marriage. I will continue to fight for my marriage and will continue to honor the vows I made over 15 years ago. I will treat my wife the way God desires me to treat her and I will continue to work on myself to become the man that God desires me to be.
> 
> Yeah. Everything in my original post is obsolete as it was posted in hast, fear and emotional strife. Take care and God bless.


I'm so glad you are both able to discuss what's the best in a good and reasonable manner. I truly hope things can improve between yourself and your wife. 

You are amazing people to give these traumatised children a safe and loving home. It's sad your marriage struggled due to the 24/7 care these children needed and hope you can now focus on each other more if this is what you want. Wishing you the best.

Sent from my SM-G970F using Tapatalk


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