# Positive hope for those surrounded and experiencing mental health issuses



## HollyinLove77 (Oct 11, 2015)

Hello to you all, I hope I can write this in a way that truly and properly gets my point across and maybe helps those who are troubled see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...It is a lot to explain but I feel like it is important. 

I know that chronic illness is often negative and stressful for the ill one and the one that loves and cares for the ill person. Mental illnesses are even more difficult to see and understand and are so different for each individual.

I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed in 2007 at the age of 29 after a suicide attempt. At the time I owned my own company and did not have health insurance and so I assumed I would have to live with it as I was unable to afford a psychiatrist or meds. I had experienced depression before during my late teens, so I was aware that I was depressed, however this seemed different and was not "just" depression. After driving my truck into a telephone pole to try to end my life, I was admitted to the emergency room and then to the 5th floor mental treatment area. 

A psych doctor saw me and we talked and with what I explained I was apparently depressed but also in a mixed state, with an irritable mania, so I was then diagnosed bi-polar. Upon receiving meds I almost unrealistically began to feel much better and less depressed. I remained on the 5th floor for 4 days, and it was like a restful vacation from running a company 65+ hours per week. I came out of the ward rested and positive.

Maybe this is too long already, but this part of the story will make more sense as I go further.

The man I was serious about/living with for the previous 6 years seemed very supportive, and very accommodating and caring. Really great guy in an almost too good to be true. We continued while I began to learn how to live with my disease. Things with us were pretty smooth in general...and we continued on for 3 more years...Something inside me snapped into awareness of the relationship not being what I believed it was...Like someone flipped a light switch, I realized he was controlling and abusive in an invisible way, a way that was so hard to see and understand...but I had finally figured it out. Within a short time I left him, dropped the company, gave him the house, and went to Chicago to freelance for construction companies struggling to get through the recession.

I dated for the next two years, never really experiencing anything stellar, but enjoying most of my time and experiences. I was mainly positive thanks to my meds and my everyday learning about myself and my disease. I finished my contract in Chicago and had some extra $$, met a guy and moved in with him pretty impulsively. Because it all happened so quickly I didn't discover that he was not really able to find work and was addicted to video games, and also liked to buy and have nice stuff. Oh well? Right? I made enough money working to support us for the most part and his weird irritating personality didn't really bring me down. I kinda didn't care.

Loosing a generous contract and not working for a few months myself we began to deplete our savings and when I was no longer a big ole $$$$ asset to him we split up, no need for details, they just don't really matter.

Leaving him with the house we had rented together I took a few items and went to stay at my parent's while I began to look for a new lease. At the time my parents had some rental property and almost as if it was meant to be, the tenant had to move out and break the lease quickly. 

At this point my disability was becoming worse, and I suffered a shoulder injury also, so I couldn't concentrate enough to consult and I couldn't go back to manual construction labor. My awesome parents moved me into the condo and told me to take my time getting well, no pressure...we will support you for a bit while you figure this whole thing out...

We put a few yard sale pieces of furniture and some of mine taken from my old rental. I settled in and began to explore some online dating just to kind of have someone to chat with, not really looking for serious anything. Just kinda fascinated by it.

Within a week my now husband Mike sent me a private message inviting me to a Metallica tribute band on Halloween in a few weeks. I had been randomly talking/messaging a lot of guys but none of them had been brave enough to ask me out. I thought, "what the heck, I need to get out of the house and be social again" and replied to him that I would go, but that we had to have a first date where we would be able to pick out our costumes and have a somewhat quieter environment to see how we meshed. So sorry this is long...but here comes the best part.

He came to my condo to pick me up and I was last minute walking my dog so I came up to my door right behind him as he was about to knock. I let him know who I was and we introduced ourselves...It was such an amazingly different feeling and something deep down I had never experienced. 

Ok, he is not the most handsome man I have ever dated, by far not the richest, drove a ****ty truck, worked the night shift at a factory and had a felony from when he was younger and dumb. He was also a little more introverted than the guys I usually prefer... and so on.

But that feeling was there, and we went to a costume shop to pick up our rock star costumes for the concert. He then took me to Hardees to eat, which was possibly the only date I had been on (and there were many over the past 2 years) who took me to eat fast food....He then took me home and I clumsily kissed him goodnight, feeling something strange, awkward and yet positive.

We texted quite a bit and he invited me to hang with him at his bowling league in that week, (2nd date). He then came over for the Metallica tribute band concert, as we had planned to dress ourselves together so we would match or something.

Here it had been a week by now since we met in person, Had a great time preparing to go, then went to the concert. Before the show began we discovered that we knew some of the same people. I felt very close to this man I had only known for a week. And as the night went on he approached me and said to me "I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I am in love with you"

Normally I would think that is scary mentally unstable psycho ****. But I looked into his eyes and I knew what the strange feeling I had experienced since meeting him was. I loved him too. Flaws and all. He became the most attractive, endearing, soul matching man to me. That night we went back to my place and did what you do with people you love in bed. That morning I told him to move out of his crappy dirty allergy infested rental house and just come live with me.

Yes, this all happened in a week. I quickly canceled my online dating, dropping contact with the 50 something guys I had been chatting messaging with. I was able to introduce him to my parents and somewhat explain my extremely sudden decision to live with him. A few technical issues, he would have to pay the rent- Not the full amount they would get from someone unknown but enough to cover condo fees and property taxes. All was good.

Still getting to know each other I found out he had suffered some severe depression and he learned of my bipolar disorder, and we were both fine with that. I was still unable to work and he never complained that he was basically immediately expected to support me. We laughed, we loved, we got my Pomeranian a buddy to play with. And at some point I had some mental mishaps with my bipolar...and that is when I found out how someone who truly loves and cares for you will be supportive of you. My feelings for him were so deep and extreme and I knew that I had never truly loved until I found this man. 

As bipolar is, it waxes and wanes, and I had more positive attitudes than I did negative screw ups..He proposed within 8 months of being together and I said yes. We quickly did a courthouse wedding and all was well. My shoulder injury was repaired and physical therapy was coming along, leaving me thinking it might be possible to work soon. He had a much needed sinus surgery. We lovingly cared for each other in a way I had never experienced.

A month ago I had a seizure, do not remember any of it, and ended up in the hospital for just over two weeks. Again he was so amazingly supportive and though I felt like with all my problems and health issues this could surely be the last straw and I would understand if he wanted to leave me.

He didn't, and I did not keep that fear/feeling in my head for long. I knew he was my forever, till death do us part man. I've put him through hell and he has never been my "type" (not a big deal, but strange that I was attracted to a quiet introvert) For the first time at meeting him I now knew what true love is. 

What I want to get across to you partners of mentally ill lovers, is that we succeeded because as messed up in the head I was I never took it out on him, treated him badly in any way...Abused or berated him. 

If your mentally ill one is being mean, abusive, or taking it out on you....you might not have yet experienced what this deep supportive emotional connection of true love is. Communicate that you will be better if they make an effort to treat you respectfully and stop taking their brain disorders out on you for no reason. So it could still be positive to work on finding this with your current partner, or you may wake up and realize it is time to leave. You can be happy and be loved in a supportive exceptional way....Even with a chronic illness involved. Keep looking for the light!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

That's very sweet and hopeful of you. I wish my h had been as self-aware of his bi polar and it makes me sad that he wouldn't get help and take meds as you have. Wishing you only the best and appreciate you dropping in to offer hope and light.


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## HollyinLove77 (Oct 11, 2015)

TeddieG, thank you...And I hope that you will find a way to mesh/support and be supported by someone who loves you like no one ever has.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

HollyinLove77 said:


> If your mentally ill one is being mean, abusive, or taking it out on you....you might not have yet experienced what this deep supportive emotional connection of true love is.... You can be happy and be loved in a supportive exceptional way....Even with a chronic illness involved.


Holly, thanks for sharing with us the beautiful encounter and experiences that you've had with your loving H. What a wonderful story! I agree with you that, with many mental disorders such as bipolar, it is possible for a couple to have a successful marriage. As you must already know, however, there are other disorders -- namely, the personality disorders -- that generally undermine a marriage, regardless of how loving and sacrificing the abused partner is. 

With BPD, for example, all the love in the world cannot save the relationship because trying to help a BPDer by loving her is as counterproductive as trying to heal a burn patient by hugging him. Hence, trying to save such a toxic relationship with love is as futile as trying to make a sandwich out of soup. 

Unfortunately, bipolar is often comorbid with BPD. Specifically, about a third of bipolar-1 sufferers (and a fourth of bipolar-2 sufferers) also have full-blown BPD. I mention this because many people mistakenly attribute the temper tantrums, inability to trust, and persistent anger issues to bipolar even though these behaviors are BPD traits, not bipolar traits. If you're interested, Holly, I discuss this distinction in greater detail at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. That post is based on my experiences with a BPDer (my exW) and bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). Take care, Holly.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

Glad things worked out for you, I'm just sort of curious if you don't mind me asking, are you a gay couple?

It's just a feeling I got from your story.


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## HollyinLove77 (Oct 11, 2015)

Awww Waeshaw, He's quite the man and I am quite the woman...I just owned a construction company- always kinda been a tom boy


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