# Need of Advice.



## Annieha (Dec 21, 2010)

I have known my husband for almost 17 years. We have been togther since 10/03/07 and we got married 2/21/09. We have had a rocky marriage and we are coming close to a two year anniversary, but I don't think we are going to make it that far. I have debated leaving my husband. I even have money and things I might need in my desk in case I do have to flee. 
Here is why our marriage has been rocky and I don't think it's going to get better unless we both get help. My husband went from one relationship to another. Before he was with me he was with the mother of his son. He decided to leave her because all they did was fight and he thought that she was cheating on him and being sneaky and conniving. He has been drinking since he was 15 years old and being dependant on other substances as well. From the beginning he's been using alcohol and the other substances. We were good from the beginning and then slowing he started to do accuse me of cheating and being sneaky and telling people what he was doing as far as substance wise. He doesn't realize that the way he asks when he is using is totally the opposite of when he's sober. Now all he can see is that I'm cheating he doesn't want to see it any other way. I realize that part of the reason that he thinks I'm cheating is due to the fact that I lied to him about it, but I didn't have much of choice he refused to see aything else and he was under the influence and he has a bad temper, which I have seen many different times and this was one of those times. 
I know he needs counseling for that. I also need counseling and together we need counseling. I do love him very much and he is a great guy when he is sober, but I'm not sure if he can stay that way. I have lied to him to many times and he thinks I'm being sneaky, and conniving, and trying to manipulate him and I don't know if he will ever see me as anything else. 
* Can anyone tell me what we can do? * Everyone tells me I should leave him, but I don't want unless I absolutely have to.* Do you think counseling will help us?*


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I doubt counselling with help. You are married to an alcoholic. Until he gives that up and stays sober, your marriage will suffer. Counselling is also ineffective if someone is "using" as you will get the alcoholic talking.

Either way, I would suggest you get help to get your world together so that you can be a good companion to someone.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Annieha, I don’t understand why you lied, can you explain more?


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Workingitout said:


> I doubt counselling with help. You are married to an alcoholic. Until he gives that up and stays sober, your marriage will suffer. Counselling is also ineffective if someone is "using" as you will get the alcoholic talking.
> 
> Either way, I would suggest you get help to get your world together so that you can be a good companion to someone.


My father is an alcoholic. Now he's suffering from strokes. My mother is the one taking care of him.

Most of my father's friends were all alcoholic. They all died young because of alcohol before 50 years old. My dad was the lucky one that still has pulse. Now he's 65 but he relies on people to take care of himself for many years already.

I want to tell you, get ready that your husband might suffer from sickness and you will have to take care of him in the rest of your life. 

You are not having any husband but a patient. Remember my warning.


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## Annieha (Dec 21, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> hi..love the avitar BTW
> 
> ummm, you already had all the information before you said "i do". why did you marry him?? he is a drunk, do you watch intervention?? is that what you live with??
> 
> ...


Yes. I knew he was a drinker and I even used to drink with him when we were younger. He told that he would never hurt me and I before we got married he was sober for months and then when we got married he sober for couple more months, but then I think the addiction just got to him. I think he was hanging out with guys that were drinking and wanted one. I do watch intervention, ironically with him sometimes, but I think that makes him want to use drugs or makes him think about using. I don't like to watch that show. I don't even like to watch television because they have all those beer commercials on. I know he wants help but I don't think he knows how to go about it. He doesn't like the group meeting where everyone is feeling sorry for themselves. He really is a great guy, but I think because his dad used and abused drugs and alcohol and used to do some of things to his mom that he just picked it up. I'm partially thankful his son doesn't see him doing these things and I hope that he doesn't see his mom, who is also a user of drugs and alcohol. I just pray that he doesn't follow in their footsteps. 
Thanks for replying.


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## Annieha (Dec 21, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Annieha, I don’t understand why you lied, can you explain more?


I lied to him about cheating because he wouldn't take any other answer. He had it set in his mind that I was cheating and when I kept telling him that I wasn't he would punch me in the face. He was really high on Meth and there was no other option for me. It was the only thing I could do to get him to stop. I really didn't want to do that, but it was either that or something worse happening to me. I did tell him when he was sober, but everytime he uses the same thing happens...I'm accused over and over again of cheating. 
I know this all sound really bad and that he sounds like a horrible guy, but he really isn't unless his high on Meth or drank way too much. I know it's no excuse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Annieha said:


> I lied to him about cheating because he wouldn't take any other answer. He had it set in his mind that I was cheating and when I kept telling him that I wasn't he would punch me in the face. He was really high on Meth and there was no other option for me. It was the only thing I could do to get him to stop. I really didn't want to do that, but it was either that or something worse happening to me. I did tell him when he was sober, but everytime he uses the same thing happens...I'm accused over and over again of cheating.
> I know this all sound really bad and that he sounds like a horrible guy, but he really isn't unless his high on Meth or drank way too much. I know it's no excuse.



Any man who thumps a woman is a horrible man. He is spineless, a coward and a bully.

I’m a big strong man and never once in 42 years did I lay a hand on my stbx and I was with her for 42 years. Sometimes during those years I was under extreme provocation from my wife, but never once did I even lift my hand to her.

You are a codependent, with exceedingly poor personal boundaries, of a man who is dependent upon what meth (whatever that is) and alcohol?

You will never ever change him. What you see right now is what you will always get while you are with him.

Bob


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## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You are a codependent, with exceedingly poor personal boundaries, of a man who is dependent upon what meth (whatever that is) and alcohol?
> Bob


Meth (aka Crystal Meth): Methamphetamine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This crap is worse than cocaine, imo. It drives you to paranoia and hallucinations.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

frootloop said:


> Meth (aka Crystal Meth): Methamphetamine - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> This crap is worse than cocaine, imo. It drives you to paranoia and hallucinations.



Thanks Frootloop.

Annieha, you are very much more than likely a codependent. It is for some a difficult concept to understand so you may want to do some research. Codependents essentially want to and try to “rescue” their partners. Plus codependents have exceedingly poor personal boundaries, if any at all. That is how the abuse happens, the codependent lets the abuser all the way through to the deepest parts of them. Personal boundaries are there to prevent that from happening.

Bob


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