# Feeling imprisoned



## upbeatdad (Jun 2, 2014)

Been married for almost 2 years. Prior, we had fun with our families and friends as if it was never an issue. I was extremely active playing basketball/golf with my friends maybe a boxing fight here and there. She was somewhat of a homebody but did the girl stuff at the salon or meet up with friends. We dated 8years. After marriage, she became way more of a homebody than ever before which was fine to me. As active as I was doing yard work around the house was my stress reliever from work. I did this while she caught up on her Lifetime or reality shows. I really only watched sports but I had no problem sitting with her to watch these shows just to sit with her spending time and have something to talk about. Most homebody's I know typically can be on the lazy side but being messy was not her style. She did clean time to time but I did majority of the dishes/house chores. I didn't do these because I'm the husband or make her happy, I was raised this way so it was nature. I don't think I've seen her pick up a broom yet. No big deal, again this was my nature. Then came a time that golfing, basketball or just hanging with some buds for a football game was out of the question, "how dare I ask than to do something with your wife" which we almost do everything with each other. I even stopped going to my Catholic church to start going to her none denomination with her family which we previously had talked prior to marriage that we would continue at mine. No big deal, I'll just attend some masses during the week, but if I brought up the concern it was an argument. 

Pregnancy time! I have amazing patience so her pregnancy didn't bother me, I was the best husband nanny. I love cooking so I made sure she ate, drank all the water and did the dishes/cleaning around. I was on my A game! I grew up never relying on appreciation for things I do so I never needed a Thank you from her but I did come to a point where I felt "man I'm really not feeling appreciated but oh well she's pregnant". 

Baby came, it was obvious that she felt more comfortable with her mom around, of course she's the daughter and its her mom. Though, she brought it to my attention the first night at the hospital that I assure my rents to not spend too much at the hospital with us. When we leave home, it BETTER just be the 3 of us leaving. I did relay the message which made me kind of sad because I wanted them to be involved. I take final items to car head back to room to prepare to leave and BOOM my dad was in the room (very proud grandfather of first boy of 5 generations) and I just felt pain knowing she was probably furious. She played a good game and he was all cheers. My dad is the photographer of the family so he was taking photos left and right all the way to the car. I closed the car doors then told him we were good and I'd call him later after we got settled in at the house. Not only was in raining on the drive home but it was quite. I just felt weird. We get home, waited for rain to slow so we could get out. As we waited she let the fire out. I was a bad person for allowing my dad to be there blah blah blah. I felt bad at the same time because she just gave birth so her body is all out of whack. Months go on and I'm just glued to our child and help with anything I could just like any parents would. Then there was the "you're doing it all wrong' for everything. That's find, I took the intuitive to see what it was she thought I was doing wrong to do it better next time. I didn't grow up washing bottles and raising a child so these were things we were just learning but she of course if she did wrong I wasn't going to trash her for it. I made sure we learned together. Regardless of how much better I tried I was still doing everything wrong. 

I work 8-5 5 days a week and took over the child duties so she could rest and sleep. She worked for her parents business so she was fortunate to stay home with the baby muuuuch longer than typical working moms that HAVE to go back to work. After awhile her mother needed her back so she helped by coming to the house and watching our child while my wife went to work for maybe 3 to 5 hours for maybe 2 to 3 days of the week. Again fortunate to work for her family. I was still getting the "you're doing it all wrong" and she has ZERO patience so when I would get home I'd get the "he's all yours I need to sleep or go to the store". She complains here and there that she works and takes care of the baby and I don't do enough. Huh.... weird cause I swear I almost do everything but I don't toot my horn and never have. I can be a night owl too so washing bottles after baby is asleep was my routine. She'd occasionally tell me not to wash because she would in the morning. Please, she has zero patience and majority of the time she wouldn't so I would double the amount to was the following day. I washed so things wouldn't pile up cause they would. Yes she washed here and there but mainly for her argue points to say she does wash. Once Saturday's came I was baby duty from the moment he woke up at 7am till she woke up around 10. Sure I wanted her to sleep in. I'm the one with the energy so no big deal. I'll take him the market or home store. Once she woke up how dare I ask for her to watch the baby while I mow the lawn "I've watched him all week and your going to do this? You should be spending your whole day with him. We'll find a yard service". That was kind of a dagger only because the yard is my other baby. I wasn't about to let other work on my yard. To cooperate, I would work on yard during my lunch breaks. If she needed to go get her girl salon needs done suuuure babe you go, I got this, you deserve it. My friends understood I was a new father so they never harassed me about playing golf as we always did. It came a time where I felt it was no big deal to ask if golfing the upcoming Saturday. DENIED. "really? you're going to ask to play golf when you should be taking care of you child?" She never thought twice about doing some of the things she liked, not ALL THE TIME but I didn't ask to play golf every weekend. That's fine. Months passed and my friends were kind of confused on how I had yet to meet up to golf. "does marriage suck?" I would say no because I love what I have but it came to a point where didn't understand how I couldn't get away one time. They all rally for me saying I do waaaaay too much, I'm a husband of the year. Felt nice to hear these words from the outside but again it wasn't something I was expecting anybody to tell me. If there's a dinner or even hangout at my parents it's kind of a hassle but mandatory if her parents are having something. Sucks because I love spending time with my parents. My brother is starting to harass me cause we don't hangout enough when he visits. A big SA Spurs fan I am a friend invited me to watch. I asked and was denied. Sure she was on her period so she needed all my help with the baby so I guess I understood. She mentioned next game. I finally asked to play golf again and she said yes....AWESOME! I even got goose bumps. Then "the next game" came and I cooked, cleaned and had baby asleep in no time. She sat to watch her Lifetime as usual so I said "hey I'm going down the street to watch the 2nd half" she had the face but realized she did say it was cool previously. I left, within minutes I got text messages "I can't believe you left to watch the game, you're already going to play golf this Saturday!" I needed to come home. I rebelled and said I was staying till the end. The following day I had my lectures of my horrible decision and that golfing was out of the question now. I said that was fine. That day I found out my friend paid for me over the internet for a great deal previously and no refund was allowed. She was furious but we don't have money to waste so I went. I then get a text a little through the morning demanding when I'd get home. I replied noonish. Well I left the course at about 1pm. I get home and again she's furious because it was way past noon. She then said she was tired of me and was going to go to her parents house with the baby and call me later. I agreed because I thought it was very childish and we could have talked about everything. She then called me back awhile later that she hadn't gotten to her parents house and that she would meet me at our house. We did, I dropped our son at my parents and went by so we could talk. Pretty much boiled down to playing golf or having any type of fun activity with friends was out and to show our that my main view of the future was to put our family first. We also have a family reunion(+/-100 ppl) at a resort in about a month. I haven't seen them since my grandmother passed away about 5yrs ago and I don't think I'll see them all in the next 5yrs. We live too far and my grandmother was the main reason we would visit. My brother, cousins and uncles have set up a golf outing at the resort in the early morning which most of my cousins are playing. First 9 is a fun skills game then back 9 standard golf. Well I chose to only play skills then I would go back to my family and maybe hit the pool or shop around, probably around 10am. Well during our conversation golfing at this reunion has also been axed. I would be leaving my wife in the room by herself waiting for me with the baby. My parents will be having the next room to us so my mother would take him in the AM so my wife can sleep a little, I'm sure she wouldn't mind some sleep. Her response was that I couldn't leave my family, we needed to be starting our day together and that we'll be seeing the reunion family throughout the day. 

We are definitely on a thin edge and I want us only to progress from this. Divorcing is not even in my view. Am I being childish? Am I a little right on wanting one day to enjoy a morning out playing golf? Do I really need to realize that being married and having child means everything I used to do is out of the question? I hope everything made sense and not much of a ramble. It felt kind of good since this is the first time I've ever said anything. 

Thanks for reading and any advice.


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## alwayshere (Apr 16, 2014)

It sounds like you try hard to make things work and you do whatever you can to please her. It also sounds like your efforts are going unappreciated. She sounds like a lazy, selfish person. You obviously spoiled her from the beginning. Have you tried talking to her about any of this? Maybe she just doesnt realize how she is taking you for granted. 

You are not wrong to want a day for golf or whatever, you deserve that and everyone needs a break. After all, she gets hers, right?

You need to have a long talk with her because there will come a time when you will have enough of this kind of life and will possibly begin thinking of divorce. However, if you dont let her know how you feel and give her a chance to change, you have no right to complain. She is lucky to have a husband who cares enough to do the things you do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Are you prepared to actually stand up for yourself? Even if she throws a huge fit? 

I will give you one huge clue, one reason your wife treats you like her servant is because you engage and lengthy conversations with her that simply need to be cut short. 

You need to learn to use a few short phrases and then shut up and not say anything else no matter what she says/does. 

Your weakness is turning your wife into an absolute tyrant. You are bringing out her worst. 



upbeatdad said:


> Been married for almost 2 years. Prior, we had fun with our families and friends as if it was never an issue. I was extremely active playing basketball/golf with my friends maybe a boxing fight here and there. She was somewhat of a homebody but did the girl stuff at the salon or meet up with friends. We dated 8years. After marriage, she became way more of a homebody than ever before which was fine to me. As active as I was doing yard work around the house was my stress reliever from work. I did this while she caught up on her Lifetime or reality shows. I really only watched sports but I had no problem sitting with her to watch these shows just to sit with her spending time and have something to talk about. Most homebody's I know typically can be on the lazy side but being messy was not her style. She did clean time to time but I did majority of the dishes/house chores. I didn't do these because I'm the husband or make her happy, I was raised this way so it was nature. I don't think I've seen her pick up a broom yet. No big deal, again this was my nature. Then came a time that golfing, basketball or just hanging with some buds for a football game was out of the question, "how dare I ask than to do something with your wife" which we almost do everything with each other. I even stopped going to my Catholic church to start going to her none denomination with her family which we previously had talked prior to marriage that we would continue at mine. No big deal, I'll just attend some masses during the week, but if I brought up the concern it was an argument.
> 
> Pregnancy time! I have amazing patience so her pregnancy didn't bother me, I was the best husband nanny. I love cooking so I made sure she ate, drank all the water and did the dishes/cleaning around. I was on my A game! I grew up never relying on appreciation for things I do so I never needed a Thank you from her but I did come to a point where I felt "man I'm really not feeling appreciated but oh well she's pregnant".
> 
> ...


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm surprised that she hasn't made you wipe her ass too.

Look friend, your a nice guy, good husband, good dad and a real good doormat.

You created a monster by giving in to everything she wants and when she tells you to jump, you did but now your adding, "How high honey" with it.

When she started in on you because you dad made a visit to the hospital to see his grand son and she reads you the riot act for that? 

Let me give it to you plain and simple. You lost your spine, guts and balls to her and there comes a point in time when it gets so out of control that she's losing any and all respect for you because you wont stand up for yourself.

If she's a SAHM then that means that she has her jib to do and one of them isn't sitting on the couch watching reality shows. No one says that house has to be immaculate but she could clean and prepare meals and do a load of laundry once in a while.

Your job is to stop being the door mat and start acting like a husband who wont be made the fool and be her personal servant.

You have no one to blame but yourself and the sooner you start taking charge and letting it be known that there needs to be changes or there's going to be trouble. 

It's up to you and your the only one who can put a stop to this ignorance.


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## SoVeryLost (May 14, 2012)

At this point I don't think you can reason with her. In my opinion your best bet is MC...bring in a third party who can objectively shed some light on her behavior to her. She needs to hear it from someone else. I agree that you can't let this continue. This is just one big storm brewing.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Use birth control until you get some equality going in this marriage. Two babies is too many already!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You should change your name from Upbeatdad to beatupdad.


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## upbeatdad (Jun 2, 2014)

"beatupdad" that made me laugh. I did make it clear that I wasn't going to take any more negative language. I will bring up the idea of a MC and also that I will be joining my family in the golf outing. If she has an issue then we need to figure something out. This reunion is the line. Things do need to change now so I'm ready to address and put the ball in her hands to make a decision. I appreciate the responses. I just need to keep my head straight and remember this is our marriage not our families. I just needed to be sure standing my ground was not a selfish act but a right direction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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