# Holding the boundary - don't let him in



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I am preparing the papers to finalize the legal sep this week.

Anyone who knows my story will know we have an autistic son who I have primary custody of. Anyway, this week has been so tough with him, he's had multiple meltdowns, reports from school, and the usual homework battle. It has worn me down to breaking point. I have no support, no family in the USA to help me and I can't expect my friends to help me raise my child! My ex works nights and refuses to change to day shifts - to avoid any of the real work in raising our son, I know.

Last night my STBXH was texting me and asking me how my day went and I poured out my struggles to him. After quite a few texts back and forth I realized this is the same man who: has told his many girlfriends over the years my struggles, vulnerabilities and our marriage issues to; the same man who if he sees me struggling emotionally will remind me I deserve everything because I'm such a b#&ch and "made his life miserable" - according to him.

Definitely not a safe person to share with, nor is he one I want in my life. I caught myself and suddenly texted him saying I'm sorry to take up your time, goodnight. He got upset I was cutting him off.

I want to maintain a strong boundary with my ex - I don't want him in my life and I sure as heck don't want him sharing my secrets with the world like he did over the years.

Does anyone else slip up and tell their ex too much? Like me do you have to remind yourself you should not be telling this person this stuff?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> I am preparing the papers to finalize the legal sep this week.
> 
> Anyone who knows my story will know we have an autistic son who I have primary custody of. Anyway, this week has been so tough with him, he's had multiple meltdowns, reports from school, and the usual homework battle. It has worn me down to breaking point. I have no support, no family in the USA to help me and I can't expect my friends to help me raise my child! My ex works nights and refuses to change to day shifts - to avoid any of the real work in raising our son, I know.
> 
> ...


Yep, did it last week. Got into the kids, his health issues etc. Just like old friends. I hate when I slip, it messes me up. He just called to find out how the first day of school went, I was more careful today.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It is so hard when kids are involved. One of my DD had a real health scare this summer, which after multiple testing, turned out to be not a big deal. I told him, and I almost starting pouring my heart out to him about how scared I was and how hard this is. Almost. Instead, after I told him just the specifics, I called a friend and cried. If he wants to know how the kids feel, he is free to call/ text them. He doesn't.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Drove past the workplace of the X this morning and thought about dropping in to say hello. Came to my senses and kept driving to work. That is so F'd up, I am in an awesome relationship and cannot wait for my D but the mind is a strange organ.

No contact since the beginning of August, none, and I could not be happier.

F her,
Stretch


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

"Came to my senses". That's what happened to me in the midst of our conversation. A light bulb went off and I thought "why am I telling him this stuff". This POS man who has hurt and betrayed me so much, has done to things to me I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

He doesn't deserve the benefit of me conversing with him.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I've slipped up here and there and always feel like crap afterwards. I need to get better at 'catching' myself before I say too much. 

Broken, it's nice to see you back. I've been thinking about you.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Sure, the ex and I got friendly for a while but in the end it's for the best not to. Like you said, he has done some things that clearly are not okay for YOU and he may feel otherwise. Therefore giving him the personal 'go ahead' to get personal with you, remember, these people do not think the same as we do.

Talking to him though is on you, if you want to keep strict boundaries, the only person who can enforce that is yourself.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

yes, It's early days for me, but yes.. I feel that vacuum suck of companionship.. that was only a lie, and he uses it now to just tell stories of how horrible I am "can you believe she felt..."

It's hard. I get you.. My friends are mostly long distance. My family is unsupportive b/c they've wanted me to get a divorce for a long time (and now that I am, you'd think they'd be happy to help, but apparently not), and I'm on my own.. 

It's hard, b/c you'd hope that THIS is the one person that would care about the ups, downs, ins and outs of your child with you, but they don't.. it's sad and awful...

I'm sorry, I know how you feel..


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

"...remember, these people do not think the same as we do..."

YES! So TRUE!


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

My ex tries to get chummy every few weeks. Sends some sappy poem about "regrets" or tries to make small talk via text, or call for no good reason.

My feelings are a combination of wanting to respond in kind, anger, and disgust. I have at times gotten sucked in, but now it's either don't respond or a 1or 2 word response. She'll get the message. I don't need the scab ripped off anymore.

My question is, why? Why do they keep it going? It's like someone mugging you, whacking you over the head, taking your wallet and then calling from prison to have a friendly chat.

You are not my friend! You are my worst enemy, you nearly killed me. You stole so much from me, just leave me alone.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> My ex tries to get chummy every few weeks. Sends some sappy poem about "regrets" or tries to make small talk via text, or call for no good reason.
> 
> My feelings are a combination of wanting to respond in kind, anger, and disgust. I have at times gotten sucked in, but now it's either don't respond or a 1or 2 word response. She'll get the message. I don't need the scab ripped off anymore.
> 
> ...


Sounds just like my exH. Craps on now and then about all the "mistakes" he made and "regrets" yada yada yada. I don't think a word of it is genuine, more like him trying to convince himself he's a really "good" person like he tells me he is constantly.

I swear sometimes I start to respond just like I would to some of my closest friends... then I think... hang on.... this man is so far from what I would consider a friend. And I stop myself or beat myself up for letting my guard down.

I have no idea why they keep doing this. Its sorta sick and twisted. Maybe its their lack of boundaries - I mean after all, in my case my exH had/has no boundaries. He let every woman, and mean spirited person into our marriage and lets people walk all over him. No boundaries = unable to fully end a relationship? Who knows - that's just my theory.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Stretch said:


> Drove past the workplace of the X this morning and thought about dropping in to say hello. Came to my senses and kept driving to work. That is so F'd up, I am in an awesome relationship and cannot wait for my D but the mind is a strange organ.
> 
> No contact since the beginning of August, none, and I could not be happier.
> 
> ...


Hi Stretch ~
What were you thinking about right before you wanted to pop into her workplace?
VH


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

maincourse99 said:


> My ex tries to get chummy every few weeks. Sends some sappy poem about "regrets" or tries to make small talk via text, or call for no good reason.
> 
> My feelings are a combination of wanting to respond in kind, anger, and disgust. I have at times gotten sucked in, but now it's either don't respond or a 1or 2 word response. She'll get the message. I don't need the scab ripped off anymore.
> 
> ...


Main ~
I would also like to know why they won't leave us alone. It's a twisted and warped behavior. I'll ask my Psychologist in Monday and get back to everyone. 
Very Hurt


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

VeryHurt said:


> Hi Stretch ~
> What were you thinking about right before you wanted to pop into her workplace?
> VH


That's a great question to ponder. Not sure but it could have been several things.

Wanted to see how she looks so I could show off the new me.

Flooded with nostalgia.

Still confused about the future and looking for the stability of the past.

Trying to find a way to put my anger into the proper perspective and just move on.

These are crazy times. The anger is frustrating and I want it gone so I can focus on the great things in my life. I know it is going to take time, probably alot of time being married for 22 years but rationally who wants to deal with this crap for 2,3,5 or 10 years.

Thanks for making me think,
Stretch


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_Flooded with nostalgia.

Still confused about the future and looking for the stability of the past.

Trying to find a way to put my anger into the proper perspective and just move on.

These are crazy times. The anger is frustrating and I want it gone so I can focus on the great things in my life. I know it is going to take time, probably alot of time being married for 22 years but rationally who wants to deal with this crap for 2,3,5 or 10 years._

I empathize with you. It is so frustrating being in this state of mind knowing full well nothing that's happened can be undone and you just want to put it behind you.

I never thought it would take years, but I think it will. It's unbelievable what this does to you.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Stretch said:


> That's a great question to ponder. Not sure but it could have been several things.
> 
> Wanted to see how she looks so I could show off the new me.
> 
> ...


You take as long as you have to, to heal. What gets me are people on the outside telling us, 'That's so long ago!' Well, hello! It was ONLY a year ago! How does one get over such traumatic events within a years time? Especially if the ex keeps coming over and making more trouble? SMH


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