# Lazy wife that comes to bed at 7am



## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

I need help but I don't really know how to ask or how to explain because I'm not good with words and well... not good at explaining things so I'll just describe what happens every week.

Monday-friday :
Wife comes to bed at 6-7am
I wake up at 7 to go to work, wife stays in bed.
I come home for lunch, wife still in bed and stays in bed, even if I tell her I'm home.
I come home from work and sometimes she's still in bed.
We have dinner together, watch some tv, play some computergames and I go to bed around midnight. 
Saturday & sunday :
We sometimes have breakfast/lunch together because she always wakes up later than me, even if we go to bed together and sometimes it takes hours and hours for her to wake up.

Over the past few months I can sum up her work around the house really really short : bit of laundry, dishes once every week or less and only clean like mad when someone comes over but even that doesn't happen anymore when my parents visit.

We both agreed that she'ld be a housewife (she actually said it) and that she would stay at home, work and then when we have kids she'll spend most time taking care of them.

I tried talking to her about all this several times, she complains and changes to a more normal routine but only for a few days.
One of the things she once said is that she gets lonely in the afternoon if she gets up to have lunch with me yet she has no problem staying up for another 6-7 hours after I went to bed.

Her priorities are making me feel like I don't really matter, like I'm not important at all. When she goes to bed early (rarely happens, mainly when she's not feeling well) I join her yet she very rarely joins me.

My biggest problem is that I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to her. I love her so very much and I don't want to say the wrong things and end up hurting her, I really don't know anymore 
We got married about two months ago and I should be happy right now but I really can't say that I am.

I hope someone has some advice for me because I can sure use it.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

do you guys have kids?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I was/am this way because I work graveyard shifts 3 days a week. If she's not working there is something else going on. Is she just naturally a night person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

@blissful :
We don't have kids yet and I'm not even considering it until she gets to a normal sleeping routine... and cleans the house at least once without people visiting.

@YinPrincess :
She hasn't worked for a couple years now, she's a bit of a night person but she didn't come to bed this late the first year we were living together.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Did you live together before you married? (My husband and I did not, and for the longest time I felt anxious about having someone sleeping in my bed). Now I have a hard time sleeping without him). 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

Lived together for about two years before we got married, I have a really hard time sleeping without her


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

How was she for the last two years?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

The first year she moved here we did almost everything together, going to bed, breakfast sometimes, lunch all the time, dinner,... But her going to bed early was probably also linked to having heavy migraines at least once every week, she doesn't have them anymore and now just spends all night chatting...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

hiow your sex life?

she has alot of time to kill what is she doing?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

TheCat said:


> My biggest problem is that I don't know what to do, I don't know what to say to her. I love her so very much and I don't want to say the wrong things and end up hurting her, I really don't know anymore


Ack! If you are afraid of hurting her, you are just planning to swallow your own hurt... That is a recipe for misery.

What you have to say to her is "Wife, this is not a marriage. I want our relationship to be a marriage. Is that something you want?".

If she wants a marriage then you and her sit down and define what a marriage is that sets things up so BOTH of your needs are addressed. And if she then deviates from it, you can redirect her based on the mutual definition you two create. If she constantly deviates from it over a period of time, you tell her that she obviously does not want a marriage and she should move aside for someone who does.


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

@chillymorn
sex life? in short, needs cpr
I'm not quite sure what does, all I could guess is browse around several websites, chat to friends from lord knows where they live and draw.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

TheCat said:


> The first year she moved here we did almost everything together, going to bed, breakfast sometimes, lunch all the time, dinner,... But her going to bed early was probably also linked to having heavy migraines at least once every week, she doesn't have them anymore and *now just spends all night chatting...*


To whom is she chatting?

To me it sounds like she is avoidant of you, there is something negative in her life (perhaps some depression?) that she is associating with you or your presence. Maybe she needs something to do once in awhile so she can get excited about something other than staying awake all night.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

TheCat said:


> @chillymorn
> sex life? in short, needs cpr
> I'm not quite sure what does, all I could guess is browse around several websites, chat to friends from lord knows where they live and draw.


So let me get this straight...she doesn't work, you two have no kids, she doesn't contribute financially to the household, she does a half a$$ed job at keeping the house clean, she rarely has sex with you and she doesn't even bother getting out of bed when you come home for lunch?

You tolerate this because why???!!!

If I was married to a woman who did not work, was not yet raising our children, and was not contributing financially to the household, she had better keep our home looking like the frigging Taj Mahal, better not only be awake for when I came home for lunch but also have prepared lunch for me and be prepared to f*** me and s*** me during that lunch break, adjust her schedule to my own so I was not sleeping alone each night and better keep herself in shape and looking like a million dollars.

Most women/wives who work a full time job, and I am guessing helping to raise a family, do much much more than your freeloading, lazy, inconsiderate wife. 

Again, you tolerate this because why???!!! :scratchhead:


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## lola_b (Aug 28, 2009)

My guess is that she's lonely all day and has found a friend online that she chats with. Maybe it's time she gets a job, even if it's part time...that way she has something to do, meets some new people, gets out of the house, etc.


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## ChubbieOwl (Nov 19, 2011)

Sounds like depression. Could you persuade her to talk to someone professionally? Let her know that it is effecting your marriage and she needs to want to get help to continue your marriage.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

michzz said:


> What exactly is she doing all night long, to come to bed at dawn?
> 
> Does she have some kind of internet thing going on? Does she leave the house while you sleep?
> 
> ...


I agree, 

try and look at this objectively IE what if a friend told you that their wife was doing what your wife is.

I would not worry about sparring her feelings. She is crapping all over you. 

In addition to asking her to change her ways YOU need to look in the mirror to determine why on earth you would tollerate this. 

Ask yourself what this women is bringing to the table. She should demonstrate a willingingness to change (and actually changing) if you are to stay. Not sure if i am missing something.


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

Personally I would put a keylogger on the computer just to see what's up.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

<i>If a man speaks deep in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong? <i>

Haha...love it! Unfortunately, yes, I think he would still end up being wrong.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

She's a freeloader. Drop her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She sounds somewhat like my not quite 18 year old daughter, although my daughter does a lot more around the house. How old is she?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

rotor said:


> Personally I would put a keylogger on the computer just to see what's up.


Really :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

Update and trying to answer all the questions :
1) What she's doing at night is apparently talking to friends in different timezones. 
2) Why I'm with her? Because I love her and I can't picture my life without her, that is why I'm trying to fix this instead of breaking up with her.
3) She's 24 and this is the first time she's living somewhere other than her parents house with parents that aren't really that strict...not like mine were anyway.
4) What she's bringing to the table in terms of work is cooking and laundry (though not often enough), something but obviously not enough.

I talked about this with a mutual friend that knows us both rather well and this was her suggestion :


> It makes me feel really lonely/unloved when i have to go to bed without you almost every night, it feels even worse that i have to keep telling you this but you dont care enough to change for more than a few nights. I want a long term change.
> I know you want to talk to your friends but you can still stay up late on weekends, on weeknights I really want you to come to bed earlier because otherwise it feels like we dont even share a bedroom, your friends are your friends but we're married so i dont know why you choose them over me almost every night


I think that would answer her staying up late and maybe if she's up normal hours like me she wont have those friends to talk to and will hopefully do some work around the house again.

What do you guys think?

Also the keylogger is something I could do, could possibly even put a timer on the internet connection but I don't really think that's a good way to fix this... or is it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

TheCat said:


> It makes me feel really lonely/unloved when i have to go to bed without you almost every night, it feels even worse that i have to keep telling you this but you dont care enough to change for more than a few nights. I want a long term change.
> I know you want to talk to your friends but you can still stay up late on weekends, on weeknights I really want you to come to bed earlier because otherwise it feels like we dont even share a bedroom, your friends are your friends but we're married so i dont know why you choose them over me almost every night


This is so weak and wimpy that it will not only fail to get her to stop doing it,she will lose respect for you.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

She is stuck in a rut and needs to have her azz kicked out of it by you. 

Sit her down and tell her this **** aint working for you. Its abnormal and it needs to stop today. 

It might be 

1. Depression 
2. Avoiding you because of frustrations not meeting her needs
3. EA

I would ask her about all three and promise to worj with her thru whatever it is. 

Be the lead on this and get the pattern broken. Its gone on long enough.


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## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

TheCat said:


> Update and trying to answer all the questions :
> 1) What she's doing at night is apparently talking to friends in different timezones.
> 2) Why I'm with her? Because I love her and I can't picture my life without her, that is why I'm trying to fix this instead of breaking up with her.
> 3) She's 24 and this is the first time she's living somewhere other than her parents house with parents that aren't really that strict...not like mine were anyway.
> ...


I think you are an enabler and as long as you continue to enable your wife, that you have nothing to complain about. 24 or not, she sounds useless to me. She could be going to school or working if she is not willing to put in a better effort with the household and a better effort in the bedroom.

But, really, you are half the problem here and I don't see that changing anytime soon.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree with the poster that said the friends should call in the middle of their nights.

If they are such great friends, they should be willing to make this same sacrifice at least half the time.

I think she is married and her marriage has to come first. It is pretty tough to keep up with friendships when married. Especially so when they live in a different time zone. Time to change the friendships from communicating live ever day to emails back and forth that can be done by each of them during the day.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'll tell you what I think, and you're not going to like it. You are a doormat. The "woman" you are married to is a self-centered, self-serving child who thinks she should get the same free meal ticket she had with mommy and daddy.

She's only 24. Hey, the economy stinks, but a healthy, able-bodied 24-year-old woman can get out there and find a job. What are her skills? Does she have a college degree? Has she ever worked?

She sounds like a child, not a grown woman. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she either gets the house in fantastic shape, cooks the meals, does the shopping ... AND/OR gets a full-time job. Frankly, I fail to see what you love about this woman, and I find it mind-boggling that she is not gainfully employed. I mean, c'mon ... she is contributing virtually zilch to this marriage. What is there to love about THAT?


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Prodigal said:


> I'll tell you what I think, and you're not going to like it. You are a doormat. The "woman" you are married to is a self-centered, self-serving child who thinks she should get the same free meal ticket she had with mommy and daddy.
> 
> She's only 24. Hey, the economy stinks, but a healthy, able-bodied 24-year-old woman can get out there and find a job. What are her skills? Does she have a college degree? Has she ever worked?
> 
> She sounds like a child, not a grown woman. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she either gets the house in fantastic shape, cooks the meals, does the shopping ... AND/OR gets a full-time job. Frankly, I fail to see what you love about this woman, and I find it mind-boggling that she is not gainfully employed. I mean, c'mon ... she is contributing virtually zilch to this marriage. What is there to love about THAT?


I totally agree with this and would say that you are headed for a lifetime of misery if you fail to nip this in the bud now. 

Your friends advise addresses only a small part of the problem. her not coming to bed is only a small piece. 


I feel your pain on some level. I was with a women who did not step up in some areas.


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## TheCat (Nov 22, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I'll tell you what I think, and you're not going to like it. You are a doormat. The "woman" you are married to is a self-centered, self-serving child who thinks she should get the same free meal ticket she had with mommy and daddy.
> 
> She's only 24. Hey, the economy stinks, but a healthy, able-bodied 24-year-old woman can get out there and find a job. What are her skills? Does she have a college degree? Has she ever worked?
> 
> She sounds like a child, not a grown woman. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she either gets the house in fantastic shape, cooks the meals, does the shopping ... AND/OR gets a full-time job. Frankly, I fail to see what you love about this woman, and I find it mind-boggling that she is not gainfully employed. I mean, c'mon ... she is contributing virtually zilch to this marriage. What is there to love about THAT?


Actually, I do. I came here to get an objective input from people with experience and I got more than I hoped for. Thank you.

It also opened my eyes quite a bit, the problems I'm having are at least half my fault. I let her change her ways and didn't respond to it fast enough. Now I have to speak up and not be worried about her getting hurt or not, she needs to work as much as I do and stop acting like she's still living with her parents.

Do have to add that her getting a job is not an option right now, she's still learning the language (she moved country to be with me)


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

If that's the case then maybe she's feeling very lonely and isolated and depressed? I lived in a country for three years where I did not speak the language and I found it very difficult at times...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

TheCat said:


> Do have to add that her getting a job is not an option right now, she's still learning the language (she moved country to be with me)


That's a crucial bit of information you should have given in your OP. You probably would have gotten different responses. This paints an entirely different picture of your situation. You wife is lonely, homesick, and is on the computer chatting with her friends who are living in ???.

Any chance she could hook up with anyone from her country who lives in your area? If you are living in a large metro area, there's a chance she could find some ladies who are also from ??? (wherever).

On the other hand, regardless of where she comes from, she needs to keep up the house if she's sitting home all day. Time to let her know that you want a clean house. She can do that no matter what language she speaks.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

TheCat said:


> Do have to add that her getting a job is not an option right now, she's still learning the language (she moved country to be with me)


Stop making excuses for her. Plenty of women out there come to this country without knowing a bit of English and worked her ass off. She can clean houses or do something. My mon did it and raised two boys. It can be done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

TheCat said:


> Actually, I do. I came here to get an objective input from people with experience and I got more than I hoped for. Thank you.
> 
> It also opened my eyes quite a bit, the problems I'm having are at least half my fault. I let her change her ways and didn't respond to it fast enough. Now I have to speak up and not be worried about her getting hurt or not, she needs to work as much as I do and stop acting like she's still living with her parents.
> 
> *Do have to add that her getting a job is not an option right now, she's still learning the language (she moved country to be with me)*


I assume she's from the other side of the world. (learning language, different timezones)

She's been here 2 years. She has no family here?

My guess is that she is homesick or depress. She's young and she'll need to readjust and accept her life as it is now. You'll probably need to be more patient and have more open-minded discussions with her. It's probably hard for her to adapt to the culture and environment here, especially so if language is a barrier.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

So she stays up all night and sleeps all day because she's bored that she doesn't have a job and you're gone all day? that sort of cracks me up. Listen, I was a SAHW for years! no kids at home. No job. But I made pretty damn sure I went to bed WITH my husband when he was ready. In fact, that's a marriage rule we have, no one gets to stay up late watching tv or on the computer, and we also wake up together, and stay in bed until the other person is ready to get up. This has worked wonders for our marriage. It's one of "our secrets to a successful marriage" tips believe it or not. We are so close because of this and it gives us time to talk in bed before we go to sleep and cuddle (or whatever) in the morning before we get up. it's actually a very sweet arrangement and I wouldn't trade that for the world. Neither one of us would stand for the other staying up all hours of the night, or sleeping all hours of the day unless they were depressed or sick.

As far as being bored in the morning.. I had "productive" hobbies. Workout, jog, yoga almost everyday. Cook. some internet hobbies like innocent literature blogging or message board stuff (no gaming, no offense, but I don't get grown people gaming, call me old-fashioned, but don't call me old, lol) knitting, maybe cleaning. Not the best housewife but our house never looks like a mess. Plus my crazy cooking skills more than made up for the house-cleaning part, still does, lol. I also had a pet I gave tons af attention too and did things for. I would feel ashamed of myself if my husband came home from work and the house and me was a mess. 
it's sad that you have to enforce rules like she's a child but she's behaving like one. Now I have a job and contribute financially as well. 
Your wife needs a wake-up call. Don't lose hope. I was like her when I was young too (before I was married, but I had a job). I was super lazy but I did a total 180 and I love my new life of order. She just needs to be opened-minded about other ways of living, but most importantly, she needs to transition from acting like a college kid to acting like a wife.


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## FormerlyCareFree (Nov 25, 2011)

TheCat said:


> Actually, I do. I came here to get an objective input from people with experience and I got more than I hoped for. Thank you.
> 
> It also opened my eyes quite a bit, the problems I'm having are at least half my fault. I let her change her ways and didn't respond to it fast enough. Now I have to speak up and not be worried about her getting hurt or not, she needs to work as much as I do and stop acting like she's still living with her parents.
> 
> Do have to add that her getting a job is not an option right now, she's still learning the language (she moved country to be with me)


Oh I just read this... she might be feeling displaced and depressed. Perhaps she's missing her country, or her family?


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

> 1) What she's doing at night is apparently talking to friends in different timezones.


I think you need to investigate her friends more and find out who exactly she is talking to, and about what. I do not think it's normal for people to ignore their significant other for friends, regardless of time zone. I would do what someone else suggested - install a keylogger on the computer. Perhaps it's all innocent chit chat but I think there's a high chance the "friend(s)" she is talking to is male with an interest in her. If she is not requesting the attention from you, then she is probably getting it somewhere else.



> 3) She's 24 and this is the first time she's living somewhere other than her parents house with parents that aren't really that strict...not like mine were anyway.
> 
> 4) What she's bringing to the table in terms of work is cooking and laundry (though not often enough), something but obviously not enough.


Well, for one - for someone who's sitting around on their butt all day with all the time in the day - that really isn't enough. I'm 26 (so only 2 years older) and I'm married, work full time, go to school part time, and have a 3 yr old daughter. I also do much of the housecleaning/laundry and our house generally looks pretty nice. Imagine what it would look like if I was at home all day long! I think it sounds like your W is lazy, and needs someone to give her a reality check. Make her get a job or start cleaning the house - two choices. You don't deserve to be doing all of the work, she needs to pitch in and become part of the family or get out. You may love her now too much to leave her, but if this behavior continues I am sure you will begin suffering and resenting your wife beyond repair. I would have a "come to Jesus" with her - if she didn't have strict parents growing up, etc. perhaps she doesn't have any enforcers or motivators in her life so you need to force them into her. I wouldn't take that type of behavior, to be honest. My husband can be lazy but I have been working him over lately to begin helping out with chores (but he also doesn't stay home all day and works varied shifts).

Your happiness matters just as much as hers does, otherwise this will not end well. You can't go on in a marriage like this for the rest of your life, so something needs to change and that change can start with you forcing her to do some housework and adjust her schedule to a more routine schedule, OR she can get a job.


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