# Urgent Help Fiance Wants to Break Up - Male and Female View Appreciated



## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

My fiance's outside of the country for a two year fellowship. Six more months left. 

When your man thinks he's right and you're wrong. Isn't willing to listen to anything or forgive any misunderstandings. And is ready to give up the whole relationship because he says he doesn't want to have anything to do with such negativity. Yet, he really wants to stay friends.

*How do you resolve this situation?
Get to a place where he's receptive?*

And, no, I didn't cheat. I panicked on something and talked to him about it. I thought our level of understanding was clear and I didn't give him background before getting into the detail. Later, I thought maybe he was in a different frame of mind and took it personally (he normally doesn't and recognizes that we're on the same side).

I am always his biggest support. But, he compares me to his same gender relations and questions why we do have occasional disagreements. When they get resolved, everything seems normal. But, it's as if he kept tally in his mind. And, now I bring negativity.

The negativity comment reflects that he's not feeling so positive in our relation. I've apologized for my execution of word choice and not realizing it would feel that way to him. I've also said how about you tell me how you think I should've handled it so that I could get your support when I panic but also not cause you the pain I have? 

Nothing's changed his tone or decision.

Also, I have the rep of being a very positive person. And, all his friends concur. That's also why I know something's definitely bothering him because negative has never been a word associated with me.

He's sure he wants to stay friends. But, he's sure he wants to break up.

We're going to Skype in less than 24 hours.

I believe in dedication and giving it my all. I really don't want such a small thing to ruin what we have.

Would appreciate any and all tidbits of advice.

Thanks.

And, by the way, we're both in our 30s.


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

what is the thing you panicked about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think there must be a lot more to the story than a single simple misunderstanding. But there's not enough details to try to help. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> what is the thing you panicked about?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He cheated on me a year and a half ago. I panicked because of the past. He got offended. He has been great so I can understand that it pinched him.


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> I think there must be a lot more to the story than a single simple misunderstanding. But there's not enough details to try to help.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hope the reply I gave above helps. My fear in conjunction with his being good. From my point of view, I rather ask him instead of be cheated on. From his view, since he's not done any such thing, he felt hurt. And I understand that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He lost the right to indignation the first time he cheated on you. How did you go about resolving the issues surrounding that incident? Both the reasons why it happened and the fallout?

And btw... One of my first thoughts was that he's got someone else, and this was just a convenient reason to end the relationship with you. But that is just a gut reaction. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> He lost the right to indignation the first time he cheated on you. How did you go about resolving the issues surrounding that incident? Both the reasons why it happened and the fallout?
> 
> And btw... One of my first thoughts was that he's got someone else, and this was just a convenient reason to end the relationship with you. But that is just a gut reaction.
> 
> ...


I agree. In theory he should've lost that right. In practice, holding on to that was preventing me from healing and was hurting him daily. I guess my attempting to forgive him and move on made him assume there would be no residual fear. But, there is. I didn't realize that until I reacted.

It's easy to have a gut reaction like that. I had the same reaction. I just don't want to continue with that in mind because I know it would block me from seeing anything else. I don't want to ruin a good thing if there's actually no one on the side.

If I look from his perspective, if I was the person being doubted when I had actually cleaned up my act, I may have felt like there's really nothing I can do to ever prove myself and maybe I would've felt hurt and like it's better to part ways instead of me feeling like I'll always be punished for the past.

The only issue is, if I was in that place and shutting down, I just don't know what would get me to open up and see that the person in front of me loves me and believes in me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And that's why cheating can irrepairably damage relationships. 

So again... What did you two do to try to heal the damage done? Or did you just "get over it"?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> And that's why cheating can irrepairably damage relationships.
> 
> So again... What did you two do to try to heal the damage done? Or did you just "get over it"?
> 
> ...


After many months of pointing out how I was afraid to trust him again, I realized how I was breaking down the person I love. I started focusing on the changes he made so that I could trust him again. He broke off all contact with the girl. He updated me regularly about his whereabouts and showed me on Skype. We would talk as soon as he woke up, while at work, on his way back, before and after dinner, and before sleeping. He let me talk to his friends too if they were around when we Skyped.

Focusing on all that helped me see how much he wanted me to feel safe with him again. That's when I forgave him. And, I told him that too. It's just been three months since I forgave him. Guess he thought that meant me no longer being scared (not that I realized I would panic either).


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## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

Yep, that's why cheating destroys relationships. He's away from you for 2 years, its not surprising he'll be tempted. I can guess its been hard for him to go through all the proving that he's ok again. But i also think its ok that you'll panic as well. I would. 

The other person is still in his email? If she's at the top, does he see her name every time he opens his email? Why has he not deleted it?


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

Deep Down said:


> Yep, that's why cheating destroys relationships. He's away from you for 2 years, its not surprising he'll be tempted. I can guess its been hard for him to go through all the proving that he's ok again. But i also think its ok that you'll panic as well. I would.
> 
> The other person is still in his email? If she's at the top, does he see her name every time he opens his email? Why has he not deleted it?


The new unknown girl was at the top. Upon refreshing the email she was deleted. That is what panicked me. I couldn't tell if he deleted her email because she wasn't important or if he forgot that was at the top and was hiding her.

I really don't want to lose him when I know we love each other equally. I agree with you, it is hard to prove that he's ok. What I see now is that he feels hurt and I don't want him to. He's just not giving me the chance to make it better. I know the more I try, the more he will resist. That's just how he is. But if I agree. I also know he'll stay, but as a friend. And if we are friends, there's no reason for him to not move on when we aren't even in the same city. Just really trying to figure out how to get us to a point where we could have open communication again. I don't want to give up. But I don't want my persistence to push him away or for him to feel like I'm not respecting him or his wishes.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Urgent Help said:


> Focusing on all that helped me see how much he wanted me to feel safe with him again. That's when I forgave him. And, I told him that too. It's just been three months since I forgave him. Guess he thought that meant me no longer being scared (not that I realized the email would make me panic either).


That instant emotional panic, that "heart sinking" feeling, is your brain making an instant association between the girl's email and your fiance's cheating. You actually relived exactly how you felt back then - it was triggered by the email. 

This is called 'triggering' and it's extremely common with cheating. Your fiance might want to read up on triggering. He might learn something about what people who have been cheated on go through before they've healed.

If he can't handle your "negativity" - meaning, his guilt - then it might be best to let him go. You can forgive him, but that doesn't mean you need to keep him in your life if he can't, won't or can't be bothered anymore to support you through the aftermath of his behavior.


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

norajane said:


> That instant emotional panic, that "heart sinking" feeling, is your brain making an instant association between the girl's email and your fiance's cheating. You actually relived exactly how you felt back then - it was triggered by the email.
> 
> This is called 'triggering' and it's extremely common with cheating. Your fiance might want to read up on triggering. He might learn something about the woman he cheated on.


And, how should I go about that without accentuating the feeling that he's not trusted and that I'm against him?

At this moment, it seems like if I get open communication going, in steps, I could address such topics.

Since he's not receptive to me, how do you suggest getting to that state?

It's as if I'm the one who finds fault and if I bring that up right now, I'm afraid it'll be another fault in his mind and reaffirm his decision of breaking up.

How do you think this can be approached?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

Simple, yet true outlook as far as my experience has proven. I had a 5 year LDR with my ex while we were engaged. Much of what you write about, I have experienced on an emotional level. I was young when this occurred (teens/early 20s) and was also the bubbly one, the peacemaker, the one trying to share my fears and was then given a hard time. I felt it was my responsibility to repair things and suck them up.

Distance can hide many things. Blame and the accusations coming from him, could hide projection. That was my first thought when reading your post. It's starting to drive you mad that he can't see reason and that you've done something wrong that can't be fixed. This reaction serves to confuse you and distract you from the real issue: his actions. Deleting the email without telling you why, knowing the past history involved and your distrust (for good reasons), says that he is has something to hide. It's your responsibility to work through your fears, but it is his responsibility to create an environment for you to be able to do so. He has not done this. 

My recommendation is to stay away from this man and under no circumstances should you remain his friend.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Re: Urgent Help Fiance Wants to Break Up - Male and Female View Appreciated*



Urgent Help said:


> And, how should I go about that without accentuating the feeling that he's not trusted and that I'm against him?
> 
> At this moment, it seems like if I get open communication going, in steps, I could address such topics.
> 
> ...


You're talking about this in terms of doing the least to hurt him. You're too afraid to lose him and this fear is driving your behavior. That's not going to give you a very healthy perspective.

Try to look at this from the outside looking in (difficult when you're in the thick of it, I know). What if you were watching all of this happen to a girlfriend? What would you think? What would you tell her?


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

Satya said:


> Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
> 
> Simple, yet true outlook as far as my experience has proven. I had a 5 year LDR with my ex while we were engaged. Much of what you write about, I have experienced on an emotional level. I was young when this occurred (teens/early 20s) and was also the bubbly one, the peacemaker, the one trying to share my fears and was then given a hard time. I felt it was my responsibility to repair things and suck them up.
> 
> ...


Hmm...I get what you said. At this moment, I really just don't want to let go. When he cheated on me, I had a gut feeling he was. His behavior drastically changed. And, you're right. There was an umpteen amount of projection then.

This time, though what I said seems like a repeat. Other than the recent distant tone, everything is like before. No change in routine. No refusing to Skype but using a phone card instead. No periods of prolonged absence.

If what you're saying is true. I agree, remaining friends is out of the question.

But, I'd want to leave if I had that feeling for sure. It actually doesn't feel that way. Unless I'm just in denial


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think he's being unreasonable in his expectations of you. A wound like that takes a long time to heal, but you've obviously been trying very hard to move on from it. You'll turn yourself inside out and upside down to be a happy person to keep him happy but how is that a good solution long term? This man is not really a keeper to be honest. He cheats and his expectations aren't based in reality. 

I think it's more likely he's at the start of another relationship, probably not full blown cheating, and has decided to end it with you *first* this time, before it gets more serious. This way he gets to blame you for the breakup instead of looking like a complete ahole who cheated, yet again, on his GF.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It's impossible to maintain an emotional bond with someone without togetherness.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Urgent Help said:


> The new unknown girl was at the top. Upon refreshing the email she was deleted. That is what panicked me. I couldn't tell if he deleted her email because she wasn't important or if he forgot that was at the top and was hiding her.
> 
> I really don't want to lose him when I know we love each other equally. I agree with you, it is hard to prove that he's ok. What I see now is that he feels hurt and I don't want him to. He's just not giving me the chance to make it better. I know the more I try, the more he will resist. That's just how he is. But if I agree. I also know he'll stay, but as a friend. And if we are friends, there's no reason for him to not move on when we aren't even in the same city. Just really trying to figure out how to get us to a point where we could have open communication again. I don't want to give up. But I don't want my persistence to push him away or for him to feel like I'm not respecting him or his wishes.


aComing in a little late to the party, stopped reading here.

He cheated on you, not you on him. He should still be bending over backwards to ensure these types of surprises do not happen. You should be informed of who and why. Yes still, and for a long time. Without having read the rest of the thread, I'm going to speculate given on the limited info I have read. He's got six months left on a two year special out of country. There's no way the two of you dealt with the aftermath of his cheating in any effective way that far before he left. No way. You chose to rugsweep it, in order to save the possibility of who you wish he could be more likely. So you did the work to forgive more likely than he actually earned it. It should've been ****ing hard to earn that second chance, let alone forgiveness. 

Now he wants to be apart but stay friends. He has another romantic partner lined up, but wants to keep you hanging on, just in case. My spot assessment from way outside.

What's so special about this winner? Tell you what, there are billions of other fish in the sea, some of them actually work your time and effort unlike Mr. Proven-Cheaterpants. Cut your losses now, while you still have little to lose, he's shown/showing you who he truly is. Listen, learn, move on and thank your lucky stars you're not attached for life!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, all reasons aside, he wants to break up with you. For your sake, for your dignity and pride, you should let him go. He may have an epiphany and come back begging for another chance, he may not.

Do not EVER, EVER beg and plead with someone to stay with you. Aside from the fact that it is extremely off putting, you will always wonder, even years down the road, whether he's with you because he wants to be, or out of guilt/pity.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

2 years apart = not a real relationship. It's not sustainable. Let him go and learn to have a relationship in person.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

JMHO, but when you catch a BF/GF cheating on you it should be an indication that the person should automatically be cast aside and no longer be considered as marriage material. Can people change? Absolutely. Should you take the risk that the person changed and make a life altering decision based on that hope? That's up to you, but personally I would NEVER take that risk. In my book, if you cheat on me before marriage, then you are no longer marriage material. Good luck with your situation, but my guess is you will be better off with him gone from your life. And, I'd tell him to shove his friendship up his ass.


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you all for your time in replying. Each of you has brought up points that are important. Unexpectedly, I've been working late and we haven't had a chance to talk. Hope to talk tomorrow. At this point, I've gone numb. I understand the points everyone has brought up. I'm confused between all the other aspects I know about him, when he's been there for me, and understanding being dedicated even when things aren't easy. Like Satya mentioned, she'd tried doing everything but nothing was enough. Yet, there have been many times where it was not only more than enough, he apologized for not realizing sooner what all I was going through. Communicating everything wasn't my forte. I was like Satya in doing everything I could. Sometimes, not realizing that I didn't have to. Where's the line between staying dedicated and falling in love with the same person over and over versus leaving?

I know I never thought I was the type to try to heal from cheating. I'm really confused over everything. But, despite that, I've read the replies everyone has written multiple times so that it sinks in.

Thanks again for your time. If anything else comes to mind please do let me know.


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## exhaustedmarriage (Nov 3, 2014)

Urgent Help said:


> My fiance's outside of the country for a two year fellowship. Six more months left.
> 
> When your man thinks he's right and you're wrong. Isn't willing to listen to anything or forgive any misunderstandings. And is ready to give up the whole relationship because he says he doesn't want to have anything to do with such negativity. Yet, he really wants to stay friends.
> 
> ...


j



Perhaps you don't take the call? See how the reaction goes.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Urgent Help said:


> I know I never thought I was the type to try to heal from cheating. I'm really confused over everything. .


You are not just healing from the cheating. You are trying ot cling to something that is not there anymore.


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

exhaustedmarriage said:


> j
> 
> 
> 
> Perhaps you don't take the call? See how the reaction goes.


When I got late in updating that I was late at work. He called me the next morning letting me know he fell asleep. True, I'd texted him once I got a chance. But, he didnt have to call me as soon as he woke up.

His tone was nice and normal. The way it's always been when things were good. When I asked if he was ok since he's been working a lot lately as well, his tone switched to the more distant one again.

Telling of anything?

Not sure what to interpret of this. Made me think he still didn't feel comfortable opening up to me. And the initial update in normal tone happened since it was early in the morning and maybe it didn't kick in yet that he felt distant from me.

What do you think?


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> You are not just healing from the cheating. You are trying ot cling to something that is not there anymore.


I know when I feel hurt, sometimes the emotion is so intense that none of the good moments come to mind. I do recollect myself within the same day though. Since he's more intense than me, can't it be the same/similar?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, a relationship is supposed to make you feel good, happy, secure, safe and loved. Sure, there'll be bumps along the way, but for the most part those feelings should always be there, even during the rough times.

If a relationship is causing stress, anxiety, angst and distress, it's a sign it's the wrong one.

For whatever reason, and it doesn't matter why, he doesn't want a relationship with you. Let him go, let him go, let him go.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Urgent Help, stop questioning yourself. You saw something that looked shady (email at top of list of some chick that "magically" disappeared). His other behaviors are shady too...phone card and whatnot. You are torn up because you have been hanging on this relationship for two years, hoping for a fantastic reunion, but already it had been tainted with the cheating. Don't let your fear of losing him override you common sense that this has in no way has been reconciled.

If you read story after story here on TAM, you can observe two things: 1)Past cheater get questioned and is supportive and apologetic = Not messing around again, and 2) Past cheater get questioned and flips out, gets mad, offended, and cries foul = Is probably cheating still.

Your boyfriend's attitude of being "shocked" even if he is innocent is immature and not reflective of someone employing much empathy...which is a poor indication that he is a fit partner.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Urgent Help said:


> When I got late in updating that I was late at work. He called me the next morning letting me know he fell asleep. True, I'd texted him once I got a chance. But, he didnt have to call me as soon as he woke up.
> 
> His tone was nice and normal. The way it's always been when things were good. When I asked if he was ok since he's been working a lot lately as well, his tone switched to the more distant one again.
> 
> ...


I think he's hiding something. The fact is though that he has stated he wants to break up. Did you discuss this at all or did you both avoid it? You are not avoiding it for the same reasons. Your reasons are because you don't want it to happen. His reasons are that he knows he's treating you poorly and it makes him uncomfortable.

Problem is, avoiding this elephant in the room isn't going to make it go away. I think you are prolonging your own agony, but I understand. Just don't fool yourself into thinking it's not coming. It's out now, he's said he wants to break up, it's going to end.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Given everything, and his attitude towards you, your relationship with him wont get better but worse with marriage. You need to back away from him, and move on with your life. The sooner the better. You should have walked when he cheated on you the first time.


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## exhaustedmarriage (Nov 3, 2014)

Urgent Help said:


> When I got late in updating that I was late at work. He called me the next morning letting me know he fell asleep. True, I'd texted him once I got a chance. But, he didnt have to call me as soon as he woke up.
> 
> His tone was nice and normal. The way it's always been when things were good. When I asked if he was ok since he's been working a lot lately as well, his tone switched to the more distant one again.
> 
> ...




Well, from a guys point of view, I'd like to see you go off the radar for a bit and see if he has a renewed interest in you. What could it hurt?


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your advice. Was letting everything sink in. We've been video chatting daily. He's said sorry. He said he was wrong for reacting the way he did, felt not trusted, made him defensive (the girl ended up being a friend's friend who is looking into getting into a similar training program) which made him shutdown versus clarifying the situation. He said he should've just told me instead reacting when I point blank asked him (I admit even though my tone was fine, I could've worded it better).

Where are we now? He says he can't imagine life without me. He's back to being his caring and supportive self.

As for me - I feel good, loved and happy with or without his presence. That's not to say I'm not glad for us to be working things out. I just feel cautiously hesitant. Out of the two of us, he's usually the listener. That's why I let him tell me his side without interruption since I haven't been as good about that as I should've.

My questions now:

- What steps can I take to be less reactive?
- What should I ask of him to reduce my feeling kind of distant from him? (I feel the love I have for him and the love he has for me as well. I just feel like it's like I'm still in shock that one event can make the whole relationship be on the verge of crumbling).

Thank you all for the time you've taken to reply. Means a lot. Helps me consider and contemplate things I may not have on my own.


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## Urgent Help (Nov 6, 2014)

exhaustedmarriage said:


> Well, from a guys point of view, I'd like to see you go off the radar for a bit and see if he has a renewed interest in you. What could it hurt?


He's noticed my being a bit distant. In response, he calls and checks on me to make sure I'm fine. Our usual interaction consists of sharing our day and joking around and laughing. We're back to doing that. And, knowing him, he's the kind that goes to no end to pacify me and make me smile. I guess that's why this wanting to breakup before has left me a bit shocked. Happy to be talking. Yet immensely baffled.


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