# Here we go again



## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

Where do I start... So i met this guy online a little over a year ago. We spent time together and dated for about 2 months. i was going through my divorce so I called it off as I needed to clear my head and sort out those things. Well we kept in touch and decided to date again. We were dating for almost 3 months. Things were good, the only thing missing was that emotional connection. I started to develop feelings for him since I wear my heart on my sleeve. Whenever I would ask him what he thought about us or where this was headed *we were exclusively dating*, he would said he was unsure about things and he liked things the way they were. He told me a few times he wasn't an easy person to get along with, that he doesn't open up easily. So I figured that might happen over time, that he might let his guard down. Well turns out he didn't even open up to his long term gf of over a year. This is the gf he said he loved. I had been holding back how I felt and on letting my own guard down. i am a very open person and like to share things and that just wasn't happening. I even tried to guess at why he is like this, I asked him if he had his walls up because he's been hurt but he said he didn't know. He said it's just him. 

So anyhow I broke it off yesterday. It has been on my mind for awhile. It's almost 3 months and he still couldn't tell me where I stood. I told him I had feelings for him and I liked him alot and that I didn't think we were on the same page. I'm sad because he's a great guy, just emotionally he's very closed off. I don't even want to try dating again. Has anyone else had this experience?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Yup. He put us on 'hold' so he could 'fix' himself and then thought an occasional text every 5-10 days would be fine while I waited around. He can call it 'hold' all he wants - to me that is broken up. I unfriended him 2 days ago finally just so I'd stop seeing his profile all of the time. Wonder how long it will take him to notice.

Any way, it hasn't stopped me from wanting to try. Think of all of the ups and downs we had as teens - I guess the prelude to finding any solid relationship comes with an awful lot of false starts. Good boundaries, Mama!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If a man's not emotionally available for a relationship, and you desire a commitment, typically you're the kind of person who will let go of the bird in the hand in favor of opportunity. I think this is good self-care. I mean, if for instance you went to the movie theater or the grocery store or the gym, and hit it off with someone, would you really want to have to take care of the business of 'closure' with the old, emotionally unavailable boyfriend in order to take advantage of the new opportunity, or would you rather be able to say, sure, let's go get a coffee, like now!

See it as giving yourself a gift of the future, not as a failure or as something that could have been if only you had done x, y, z. There is nothing you can do or say to change someone else's mindset or behavior.

I realized in retrospect that this guy I dated that I let go for his failure to connect emotionally, also had other issues that concerned me, such as the way he handled his finances, the way he communicated, and moreover the way he managed his health (both physical and emotional) also the way he handled conflict. He's probably still the same person I left on the curb. Eventually he'll have another breakdown or a heart attack or business failure. I'm happy to not put myself in the position of having to attend to all that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

"Things were good except no emotional connection".

:wtf: Things were NOT good then. 

You did a good thing by letting him go. LET HIM GO. Find someone that you connect with, preferrably instantly.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Just because he didn't fall in love with you doesn't mean he's emotionally closed or damaged, maybe there just wasn't that chemistry. Why was it OK for you to put things on hold and force him to shut down his feelings and then come back and expect him to turn those feeling right back on? I would be cautious with my feelings also if someone had recently broke up with me to "clear their head".

In reality sometimes love happens and sometimes it doesn't, on paper you could seem to be a perfect match but if the connection isn't there you can't force or wish it to happen. There doesn't always have to be a reason or an excuse, just except it wasn't a good match and move on.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Mama: first off, congrats on having the gumption to let him go, that shows maturity on your part. Not everyone is a match, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you, or him. Just you are not a match. 2nd: prepare yourself for the great match coming your way. Take care of your physical and mental health they are just around the corner.


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

cooper-the first time we dated there wasn't an emotional thing on his part either. he always told me it's just him that it takes him time. however to see that he couldn't even let his guard down and open up to share feelings with his old long term gf tells me that I couldn't expect him or wait around for him to do that for me. It's not fair for either of us even though it sucks losing the companionship and friendship we had. He couldn't tell me yesterday that he had feelings for me or open up to say where he saw this going. It felt like a FWB type situation more then it felt like a relationship. Either way what's done is done. I feel bad but I guess it's not as bad as dating someone who can't trust you with their inner thoughts/feelings enough to let you in to their heart especially when you want to let them into yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm curious about this longtime girlfriend. Was he seeing you and her at the same time? How do you know that he would not open up to her?


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

When we first started to get to know each other he had told me that his longest relationship was over a year. Since I have known him I had found out that he had been in love once, which was with her. They didn't work out because they were on again off again. When we stopped seeing each other the first time I know they hooked up once. I asked him if he opened up to her since she was his longest relationship and he said no.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Mama there's certainly a chance he's emotionally damaged but my point is maybe he isn't, maybe he just wasn't feeling it with you or with his on again off again ex. Some people ask questions and when they don't hear the answer they want they don't get it. You asked him where things stood and he told you he was happy with things the way they are, so that means he won't open up to you. Really? 

He told you he takes things slow, so after an initial breakup by you and then you deciding you're ready to try again after a few months you expect what? Him to tell you he loves you? Him to tell you he might fall in love with you? Him to tell you he will never fall in love with you? His last girlfriend and him were on and off but he loved her, so this time around he meets you and bang you break it off with him and then hook up again....what do you think he's thinking? Maybe he's thinking here we go again, just like my last girlfriend, on this week, off next week. How vested do you expect him to let himself become after a few months? 

Mama I'm not trying to beat you up, all I'm saying is the guy said he was happy with the way things are and he wouldn't move to fast. That doesn't mean he has issues, it just means what he said.


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## mama (Feb 25, 2011)

I appreciate your honesty Cooper. Gives me another viewpoint. It doesn't matter anyway since he probably won't talk to me again.


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