# So should I stay away from this question for now on during 1st conversations?



## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

I have a habit of asking what someone does for a living and I am starting to realize that the conversation should be a discussion about what we have in common when it comes to food, music, movies, tv, and activities. Not making the conversation feel like a Phone interview which is why I think the conversation died 20 mins later


So I will do my best now to talk about things below because they could be situations that someone may not want to talk about

Work status

Living situation


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> I have a habit of asking what someone does for a living and I am starting to realize that the conversation should be a discussion about what we have in common when it comes to food, music, movies, tv, and activities. Not making the conversation feel like a Phone interview which is why I think the conversation died 20 mins later
> 
> 
> So I will do my best now to talk about things below because they could be situations that someone may not want to talk about
> ...


Asking what they do with themselves is reasonable. But, broadly, yes. Other stuff is good too.

However, it is worth bearing in mind that few people will have a real passion for food, music, movies, tv, and activities. You should definitely ask about these things if you want to, but keep two things in mind,
- Try to find out something important that you have in common
- Let them talk about something they really care about (i.e. themselves)

The things you mention are good at the first thing in a superficial way. For example, you both like Modern Family. You can talk about this for a few minutes, but you will not make a powerful connection and Modern Family is not the center of their lives.

So, if you both like Modern Family, use it as the basis for something meaningful. Discuss a story from it that reflected someone in your own life and how that moved you. This can be a good anecdote, it can be light. 

They will share something. Then reflect on how they might view it, and when you reflect remember the following: avoid questions, accept their answers (you do not have to agree, just do not judge and accept they feel that way), consider what motivates them and how they must feel. As you reflect without probing they will share more. Understand, accept, reflect.

Questions get to yes, no answers. Instead, mention how such a situation might affect them, about what moves them, it will encourage them to speak if you are open.

If you remember that nothing they say is about you, things will go well. 
They went to Mexico recently, do not tell them about your thoughts on Mexico (unless you have a good story), understand, accept, reflect on why they did that and what it says about their motives (again, no judgement). Not about you.

If they call you stupid, understand they are saying that, accept they feel that way (no need to be offended or angry), reflect that they are annoyed because they had a bad day, something you said triggered something perhaps. Whatever, that is fine, no need to get upset. If they are offensive company, then leave, no need to be upset or angry.

This takes patience and I would encourage getting training in this if you can.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> Asking what they do with themselves is reasonable. But, broadly, yes. Other stuff is good too.
> 
> However, it is worth bearing in mind that few people will have a real passion for food, music, movies, tv, and activities. You should definitely ask about these things if you want to, but keep two things in mind,
> - Try to find out something important that you have in common
> ...


I asked this one woman what she did for a living and she said an attorney and I wanted to hang up lol


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I guess as long as the answer from a able bodied person is not unemployed and living on food stamps... It's all good.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

im_tam said:


> I guess as long as the answer from a able bodied person is not unemployed and living on food stamps... It's all good.


someone who is unemployed is not qualified to date


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SMG15 said:


> I asked this one woman what she did for a living and she said an attorney and I wanted to hang up lol


What kind of attorney is she? That makes a huge difference... for example the company I work for employs quite a few attorneys. The are the ones of finalize all our contracts. They go over them for things like making sure that we follow import/export laws.

They also negotiate with the government because it seems that the gov. is working very hard to grab patents, copyrights, etc. from the companies who developed them on their own dime. It can get pretty wild.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long do you talk on the phone with a woman before you consider an in-person date?


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> How long do you talk on the phone with a woman before you consider an in-person date?


A good 1st convo usually last over an hour


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SMG15 said:


> A good 1st convo usually last over an hour


I did not state my question correctly...

How many days go by usually between the first time you speak on the phone with someone and then meet her on the first date? (for the ones who you do meet.)


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think it's perfectly find to ask about what she does for a living. 

I probably would steer clear of "living situation" though.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

I have a 3 phone conversations total after we hit it off and would meet after a week and a half or less


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with asking about what a person does for a living....?????


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> I have a 3 phone conversations total after we hit it off and would meet after a week and a half or less


I would think one conversation would be enough to move forward with a coffee/drink meetup. Unless your schedules can't fit a date in for more than a week, then perhaps have another phone conversation. By the time you speak on the phone you've probably emailed/texted for a few days right?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

SMG15 said:


> I asked this one woman what she did for a living and she said an attorney and I wanted to hang up lol


You should have... they charge by the minute.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have always asked about what they do for a living on every first date or first time we talk. Since working is a huge part of our lives I think it's a perfectly legitimate question.

If I asked and they were turned off because I asked I would venture to guess we will NOT be on the same page about a lot of things.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> Trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with asking about what a person does for a living....?????


They maybe unemployed or at a job they hate so it's best to avoid it at all costs


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> I would think one conversation would be enough to move forward with a coffee/drink meetup. Unless your schedules can't fit a date in for more than a week, then perhaps have another phone conversation. By the time you speak on the phone you've probably emailed/texted for a few days right?


1st phone convo......break the ice and see what we have in common

2nd phone convo.........gain a little more info about each other

3rd phone convo.........set up the face to face meet


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SMG15 said:


> They maybe unemployed or at a job they hate so it's best to avoid it at all costs


No, it is not best to avoid it at all costs. If they are unemployed, do you want to date them? If they are in a job they hate, ask why and it could be something to talk about. You also might be able to tell if they are a complainer/negative person who wouldn't be happy anywhere. 

Finding out what someone does for a living can be a great way to get to know someone and what type of person they are. I don't think I'd ever go on a first date and NOT ask this question. It's a VERY standard question with everyone you meet.....a date...someone at a party....a parent on the soccer field. It's an ice breaker, and a good one. 

What would be quite weird is if you were on a first date and someone asked YOU what you did for a living and you said, "Sorry, I don't talk about that on the first date."


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> No, it is not best to avoid it at all costs. If they are unemployed, do you want to date them? If they are in a job they hate, ask why and it could be something to talk about. You also might be able to tell if they are a complainer/negative person who wouldn't be happy anywhere.
> 
> Finding out what someone does for a living can be a great way to get to know someone and what type of person they are. I don't think I'd ever go on a first date and NOT ask this question. It's a VERY standard question with everyone you meet.....a date...someone at a party....a parent on the soccer field. It's an ice breaker, and a good one.
> 
> What would be quite weird is if you were on a first date and someone asked YOU what you did for a living and you said, "Sorry, I don't talk about that on the first date."




The question can be asked I;m just saying I rather ask it after the ICE IS BROKEN and we are on the phone for a hour or more


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

SMG15 said:


> The question can be asked I;m just saying I rather ask it after the ICE IS BROKEN and we are on the phone for a hour or more


OK, well yes, it would be strange to lead with that. 

"Hello?"
"Hello Suzy? This is SMG."
"Hi SMG, nice to hear your voice."
"You too, tell me what you do for a living."

Yep, creepy.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> OK, well yes, it would be strange to lead with that.
> 
> "Hello?"
> "Hello Suzy? This is SMG."
> ...




It wasn't that fast but it was in the first 10-15 mins


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

We are all different. Typically, I would be on the phone for five to ten minutes and arrange date.

Then again, I have a deep voice and an English accent. Perhaps I should stick to the phone for a few hours first, get them to commit before seeing them in person when they can wriggle out of it


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> It wasn't that fast but it was in the first 10-15 mins


I would probably find out in the first five minutes.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> We are all different. Typically, I would be on the phone for five to ten minutes and arrange date.
> 
> Then again, I have a deep voice and an English accent. Perhaps I should stick to the phone for a few hours first, get them to commit before seeing them in person when they can wriggle out of it


Sounds like you shouldn't be on the phone at all


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> I would probably find out in the first five minutes.


Since the assumption is that anyone who is on a dating site is employed who is 25 and over, I will not be in a rush to find out what she does for a living


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> Sounds like you shouldn't be on the phone at all


Quite so!

I am not after phone pals, I want to take them out, then if they are cool and we like each other I will get to know them even better. >


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> Since the assumption is that anyone who is on a dating site is employed who is 25 and over, I will not be in a rush to find out what she does for a living


Perhaps, ask them about their day, or week. That highlight question again - have you tried it a few times?

If it is a weekday, then the most notable thing that day is likely to be work related and you will find out soon enough.

If you are feeling confident, you can try guessing what they do for a living, making it a fun game.


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> Quite so!
> 
> I am not after phone pals, I want to take them out, then if they are cool and we like each other I will get to know them even better. >


sounds like you should just approach people in public


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> We are all different. Typically, I would be on the phone for five to ten minutes and arrange date.
> 
> Then again, I have a deep voice and an English accent. Perhaps I should stick to the phone for a few hours first, get them to commit before seeing them in person when they can wriggle out of it


I'll PM you my phone number .


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> sounds like you should just approach people in public


I do on occasion, certainly on nights out and occasionally during the day. Yhe traditional way of meeting women is from meeting them sharing their company in a casual way first. It is still the best way, particularly if you do not take rejection personally and can relax and be natural. I hope you do not take offense, but I think you would struggle with that at the moment. I would actually love to catch up with you and try this in person.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'll PM you my phone number .


[Deep English Accent]How delightful.:grin2:[/Deep English Accent]


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'll PM you my phone number .


What about me?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> What about me?


You need to work on the charisma, old bean! :grin2:


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## SMG15 (May 23, 2015)

Mr The Other said:


> You need to work on the charisma, old bean! :grin2:


But I have my multiple banks accounts and a very good kisser

That should count for something


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

SMG15 said:


> But I have my multiple banks accounts and a very good kisser
> 
> That should count for something


Show, don't tell, old chap!

Incidentally, having multiple bank accounts overdrawn is what happens when you are fussy about what work you take


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