# Low T is wrecking our marriage, any insight?



## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

Apologies in advance, this will probably be long.

I love my husband. Plain and simple, without a doubt, without reservations I dearly love the man. With that being said, I am also in a very sad state and don’t know what to try next.

My story is probably similar to many others and I have taken some time to read the advice given to some before I decided to post. It’s just hard for me to wrap my head around it all.

Our background: 
Late 30’s, high school sweethearts, married over 20 yrs w/children. He works full time. I’ve gone back to school.

Medically I am ok, average weight for my height and pretty healthy. He is slightly overweight and started Testosterone shots 9 months ago. (Only because I gave him an ultimatum to see a doctor due to our sexless marriage and his mood swings, or I would leave.) He is now on one injection every three weeks.

My dilemma is the T therapy only helps a little. 24 hours after the shot, his mood has improved and his sex drive is back, somewhat. A couple days after his injection, I have come to expect the usual, which is 1 or 2 quickies during the daytime only, with no foreplay. Even that much is short lived though. His high lasts around 1-5 days. So the remaining time until the next shot is back to the usual no sex, no affection, poor attitude and hatefulness. He thinks its fine. He saw the doctor. He is taking the injections. And in his mind he has done his part.

I have tried explaining to him that it is only one piece of the puzzle to saving our marriage. We can’t survive on a 5 good days and 16 horrible days cycle or at least I can’t anyways. I’ve asked him to talk to his doctor again, maybe have blood work redone, anything really just to show me he is trying. I mean isn’t one blood test in 9 months a little bit off? Shouldn’t he have at the very least have been retested by now, to check and see where his T levels are since being on the replacement?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Hmmm...how often is he expected to go back to his PCP for follow up? Could the dosage be to low?

Can you spread out the 1-2 quickies a day? I am just puzzled that on your off days there isn't any affection/attitude and hatefulness on your end or his?

Are there any other factors...such as job/money/family stressors? 

Thank you for sharing and welcome to TAM


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Star-Gazer said:


> Apologies in advance, this will probably be long.
> 
> I love my husband. Plain and simple, without a doubt, without reservations I dearly love the man. With that being said, I am also in a very sad state and don’t know what to try next.
> 
> ...


There is a cream and for daily application and a time release pellet that delivers it more consistently but that might not be suitable for a severe case. Though it sounds like there is more going on here that just low T. You seem to be the only one putting energy and work into a better life. That is not low T.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

Thanks for the Welcome and for the reply.

Maybe I can clarify it a little better. 

He first went to a family doctor 9 months ago. He was then given a complete physical and had his T levels tested. When his tests came back as Low T he was called in to see the dr a second time and offered various T meds. He chose injections.

His dr. put him on one shot every 21 days and that's what he has been on ever since. He goes to the office and is injected then leaves without seeing the dr. He hasn't had any further blood work or testing since the beginning. I have no way of knowing if his dosage is too low and he doesn't seem to want to ask.

Spreading out the quickies, not likely. Reason being is he is only in the mood maybe 2 days a month.

As far as stressors-he stresses over everything when his shot wears down. If there isn't a reason for him to have added stress during this time-he will create something to stress over. But during the first few days of getting his injection, he is the carefree & loving husband he was 20 years ago. Its just so sad to watch.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Star-Gazer said:


> Thanks for the Welcome and for the reply.
> 
> Maybe I can clarify it a little better.
> 
> ...


Why isn't he trying to change this? He must notice his quality of life is better three days out of a month.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

He was offered the gel but didn't want to try that incase he transferred it to me by accident...??? The pellets were never offered by the dr.. So I don't know much about those.

And you are right, there could be more than just the low t going on. And believe me, I have tried to figure it out. I do know there isn't any cheating on either of our parts. He isn't gay.

He has always had the lower drive of us two. Which did cause a lot of arguments and past hurts. I've tried my best to put all of that behind me and not hold any resentment. All I've asked is that as long as he is willing to try, so will I.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Thanks for the reply.....could he switch docs? Are you able to umm help him relax with oral?

Do you think he might have anxiety performance...he sounds like he wants to please you....I am not being mean and a loving wife would not judge but want to help, but is there a porn habit he might be hiding? 

Another thought, he might need an antidepressant along side the T shots...there is no shame in getting both.

For you, have you considered seeking counsel, to help you through this tough time of growth..and I believe it is just that...hang in there the sun will come out again.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Medications often need to be adjusted to find the right dose. He needs to talk to the doctor again and tell him exactly what's happening, and get tested again. Doctor's don't necessarily know the right dosage for each individual - it takes some trial and error.

He's injecting stuff into his body. He should care how it's affecting him.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Why isn't he trying to change this? He must notice his quality of life is better three days out of a month.


I don't know why he isn't trying to change any of this. If I had the answer to that it would solve a lot of the past 20 years, at least in my mind. I've begged, pleaded, fought, ignored the problem, you name it. That was until last year, when I gave him the choice of seeing the dr. or it was over.

He agreed then to see someone so I found a dr. he approved of and made him an appointment. It was just a regular family dr. and I was hoping he would give him a referral to someone who specializes in low T. Instead the family dr. started treatment. Hubby likes the dr. and seems to trust him completely. But I don't think it's right to keep crashing when the shots wear off.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> Medications often need to be adjusted to find the right dose. He needs to talk to the doctor again and tell him exactly what's happening, and get tested again. Doctor's don't necessarily know the right dosage for each individual - it takes some trial and error.
> 
> He's injecting stuff into his body. He should care how it's affecting him.


Yes! He should care! But doesn't seem to much. I know he has to be miserable because it shows. He complains about everything but does little to help himself medically. When the nurse giving the injection asks how he is doing. He tells her that he is fine and the shots are wonderful and they are....for a few days.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

over20 said:


> Thanks for the reply.....could he switch docs? Are you able to umm help him relax with oral?
> 
> Do you think he might have anxiety performance...he sounds like he wants to please you....I am not being mean and a loving wife would not judge but want to help, but is there a porn habit he might be hiding?
> 
> ...


No anxiety that I know of. He is quite confident when his shot is fresh.

Oral...well he has always been rather low drive and according to him oral is just ok, he can take it or leave it. 

No porn habit either. I think he has always had low T, probably even as a teen. All the signs were there even then. If I had only known what to look for.....

Antidepressants, don't they lower sex drives even more? But I would try anything if I were him, if it made my quality of life better.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Read into Dr. Daniel Amen works. He is a brilliant brain doc..that has written and published many works...

Male and female brains are wired so different .....Dr. Amen is really a genius in brain therapy...a true life saver...meds effect males and females very different.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Star-Gazer said:


> No anxiety that I know of. He is quite confident when his shot is fresh.
> 
> Oral...well he has always been rather low drive and according to him oral is just ok, he can take it or leave it.
> 
> ...


Sounds like his T is dropping below therapeutic levels after the 5th day or so.

They need to be testing to see what his blood levels are doing.

Probably needs to go see a urologists...

Not all anti-depressants lower sex drive. If we get his T levels up in the therapeutic range all the time... maybe all the time will be like the first 5 days!


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

He is probably on Test Cypionate. That has a half life of about 7 days. The shots should be weekly at a minimum. I have my dose split and shoot is 2x per week. That keeps my levels the most stable.

If he is on cypionate, you need to educate his doctor that 1 shot every 3 weeks is HORRIBLE. He will have major peaks and valleys in his test level. That sounds like what you are experiencing.

He should also get E2 levels check. On that schedule, his estrogen may be way out of whack as well.

Basically, find a doc that is familiar with male TRT. It doesn't sound like the doc he has is very familiar with it.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

bbdad said:


> He is probably on Test Cypionate. That has a half life of about 7 days. The shots should be weekly at a minimum. I have my dose split and shoot is 2x per week. That keeps my levels the most stable.
> 
> If he is on cypionate, you need to educate his doctor that 1 shot every 3 weeks is HORRIBLE. He will have major peaks and valleys in his test level. That sounds like what you are experiencing.
> 
> ...


The drug name is depo-testosterone. He is getting 200 ml(???) per dose every 21 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

My husband has a low t count too. His main symptoms are low desire and being tired a lot. The Dr prescribed the gel but our insurance wouldn't cover it so he is now on the patch. He didn't want to try the shot because he was told that there are a lot of highs and lows with the shot. It seems to be working as he has more desire to be intimate with me and he isn't as tired as he usually is. We have always been affectionate, respectful and kind to each other. 

"So the remaining time until the next shot is back to the usual no sex, no affection, poor attitude and hatefulness". I think your husband uses his low t count as an excuse to be an A**. No wonder you are thinking of leaving. I couldn't live with someone like that. Having a poor attitude and being hateful has nothing to do with a low t count. That is just your husbands personality. He needs to be more affectionate with you all the time, engage in more foreplay so you are satisfied in the bedroom and stop with the bad attitude and hatefullness. That is something he can control and I would be more concerned with that than my sex life if I were you. I can imagine how his attitude affects the children too.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

So his problem sounds more like motivation and libido rather than ability to perform. Is that correct?

Does he have any other health issues other than the low T that could be complicating things?

My suggestion would be two things.

1. exercise. that's #1. exercise can alleviate a whole host of issues, makes you feel better and energizes you. I'm not talking about becoming a jock. Just a quick 15 min. walk every other day for example.

2. have him along with the T shots do some supplements like arginine or other good natural supplements you can get from GNC.

One other thing. I know you are at wits end and he needs to be motivated, but guys are guys and by the way threatening to leave him over this is probably really stressing him out too. Tripling the problem. It's a fine line.
just be careful about this.

good luck.


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## Lord Summerisle (May 23, 2013)

I think that low T isn't the only problem. I lived many years (unknowingly) with very low testosterone. I finally got it checked when my wife and I were trying to conceive. The gynecologist at the fertility clinic gave me a quick exam and she was shocked at how small my testicles were. It was all treatable through medication and now T levels are great. That being said it never made me desire my wife less or make me not want to be intimate or put my arm around her. It just made me kind of lame in the sack when the time came.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Star-Gazer said:


> The drug name is depo-testosterone. He is getting 200 ml(???) per dose every 21 days.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thats way too low for that frequency, as suggested by others, have him go to a sports medicine clinic or a doctor that specializes in male hormone replacement therapy.

He needs to be tested for total T, free T, and ester levels. He might need an ester blocker in addition to T shots. He needs to be doing it at home a few time per week. Subcutaneous injections are the way to go these days. I'm currently waiting to see a doc, as my libido is non-existent and I hate the fact that I am not there for my wife like I should be.

edit: Just to agree with Lord Summ, even though my libido is trash at the moment, I make it a point to be intimate with my wife at every possible chance. I dont love or desire her any less, I just dont have that spark that tells my brain I need to penetrate her every time im around her. I used to masturbate like clockwork too, and cant remember the last time I had the urge to do so. I'm 33 for reference.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> He didn't want to try the shot because he was told that there are a lot of highs and lows with the shot.


Who told him that? If done properly, there are peaks and valleys, like a teenager would have, but the lows are usually way higher than the baseline without therapy and are not noticeable. 

The problem is, many old school doctors dont understand the complexity of HRT. Again, I will say, try and find a sports medicine clinic, or a clinic that does male hormones exclusively.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I still stand by everything I stated in my original response. His dosage is not being timed correctly. If the Dr only wants to give him 200mg ever 3 weeks, it would be best to do 66mg per week.

Get a new doctor for him, learn to live with it or leave. But, for his health, the new doctor is the best option.

I have been on TRT for about 7-10 years. It has been so long, I honestly can't recall when I started. So, I have a bit of experience with the stuff.


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## ohiodude (Jan 25, 2012)

Sounds like he needs a new endocrinologist! It took 5 docs before any could help me with low-T. I inject every 5 days, sub-Q with an insulin syringe. Easy, painless and prevents any rollercoaster effect. Also watch out for an increase in estrogen right after injections. I take an AI the evening of shot days. Took about 2 years to figure out, but sure works for me, and wifey is happy (and no longer frustrated) in bed.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

jorgegene said:


> So his problem sounds more like motivation and libido rather than ability to perform. Is that correct?
> 
> Does he have any other health issues other than the low T that could be complicating things?
> 
> ...


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

His next injection is due on Tuesday. I asked him last night to speak to the dr. about the crashing and did some reading on the half life of the shot. (Thanks to the poster who brought that to my attention) I explained to him that there were other tests that might need to be done and he may need a new dr. if the current one doesn't help. 

It will be on him to actually discuss it with his dr.. Whether or not he does this will tell me a lot about his intentions and willingness to work this out. (keeping my fingers crossed)

I am looking for specialists in our area over the weekend just to be ready in case I need to make an appointment for him.

Oh, he says that he can't tell when he is crashing, doesn't notice the difference in his attitude, and can only tell he is more tired. That seemed strange to me because I can surely tell it.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

Paladin said:


> edit: Just to agree with Lord Summ, even though my libido is trash at the moment, I make it a point to be intimate with my wife at every possible chance. I dont love or desire her any less, I just dont have that spark that tells my brain I need to penetrate her every time im around her. I used to masturbate like clockwork too, and cant remember the last time I had the urge to do so. I'm 33 for reference.


I think it's wonderful you still put forth an effort. It's not like that at all here. We have a king sized bed and by day 10, he is as far on his side of the bed that he can get without falling off.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

How low was his T, it sounds like he might be running fairly low. I definitely agree with those that say he needs to be on a more frequent dose. He can be trained to do it himself at home. The gels can affect the spouse if they come in contact within the first 4 hrs of it being put on. He was trying to be considerate of you when he chose to not go with the gel.

Have you tried discuss him going to another doctor specializing in T when he is doing good. Discussions go much better when T is good and they are not operating under a cloud of hopelessness.

For my husband low T will make him feel irritable and hopeless. He also says when he's feeling extra low it almost hurts to be touched. I've had low hormones before and I believe him. It's not just an excuse. The doc we saw said a lot of guys he sees have irritability as a symptom and the T fixes it. It truly was like a light switch was flipped when my husband got his first shot.

For those saying he's using low T as an excuse to be an a$$ then why does it correspond so well with when the effects of T would start dropping. My husband really did try incredibly hard to have a good attitude but there were many times that he just had to avoid people.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Star-Gazer said:


> Oh, he says that he can't tell when he is crashing, doesn't notice the difference in his attitude, and can only tell he is more tired. That seemed strange to me because I can surely tell it.


I thought that sounded like my husband so I asked him and he said, yeah he can't tell he's crashing until I complain. So that does sound reasonable to us!


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I read some but not all of the replies...

I was wondering why after he has had his shot the difference is that there are quickies, but no foreplay?

It just sounds like he is a selfish lover to me and I don't know how testosterone is going to change that... He might be more interested in sex, but sex sounds pretty one sided for him. There is more to sex than just having a hard on... 

I think the problem is a lot more than low testosterone.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

the2ofus said:


> How low was his T, it sounds like he might be running fairly low. I definitely agree with those that say he needs to be on a more frequent dose. He can be trained to do it himself at home. The gels can affect the spouse if they come in contact within the first 4 hrs of it being put on. He was trying to be considerate of you when he chose to not go with the gel.
> 
> Have you tried discuss him going to another doctor specializing in T when he is doing good. Discussions go much better when T is good and they are not operating under a cloud of hopelessness.
> 
> ...


His one and only T test level was 280. 

Wow, it sure sounds like our husbands have similar reactions. I know him too well, he isn't using it as an excuse to be an a$$. Even though he has never had a really high drive, I think the older he got and the lower his T levels dropped the harder it became for him to hide his irritability. That doesn't mean I am willing to put up with just anything, but I have learned to not sweat the small stuff. I know I have times of the month when I get a little crabby myself. I try really hard to only discuss important issues when the shots are fresh. Any other time and I pushing my luck. Walking on eggshells isn't fun but I'm am trying not to make things more difficult than they already are-for both of us.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

(((((((((Hugs)))))))))))


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> I read some but not all of the replies...
> 
> I was wondering why after he has had his shot the difference is that there are quickies, but no foreplay?
> 
> ...


I have to admit I have wondered if he is selfish sometimes. But then again, I have to at least consider that it has been anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months of a drought. So I don't know if he is just being selfish or have we both just gone too long without. I have thought about maybe turning down the quickies and then see what happens. I don't want him to feel rejected though, believe me that is not a good feeling at all. Been there, done that.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Could he be afraid that it won't last long enough for making love but just long enough for a quickie?


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

are *you *happy with the quality of your sex life?

I know you are not happy with the quantity, but quality is something else. I am also somewhat taken aback about the lack of affection...

It's your marriage, and I wish you the best, but if I were you I would start angling for more of what you need in this relationship.

I don't know exactly what to tell you to do, because I don't know what you have done already, but I would recommend doing some reading and finding some books that you both can benefit from.

I know that "Love Languages" is a good book, and "His Needs, Her Needs" is good too.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

sparkyjim said:


> are *you *happy with the quality of your sex life?
> 
> I know you are not happy with the quantity, but quality is something else. I am also somewhat taken aback about the lack of affection...
> 
> ...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Would you sit back if he were diagnosed with high blood pressure but was taking the wrong dosage or type of medication?


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> Would you sit back if he were diagnosed with high blood pressure but was taking the wrong dosage or type of medication?


If I am understanding you correctly then the answer is:
Yes, I would step back from my own needs with any legit medical condition while treatment was being sought. 

Please explain if that wasn't the right interpretation of the question.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, you misunderstood. I was referring to this part of your post:



> *I barely got him to see a dr. to begin with. Now I'm asking him to either change meds or maybe change drs. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems like too much to put on the guy so soon. *


I'm guessing if your H was diagnosed with a medical issue like high blood pressure or cholesterol, but the medication he was taking was off in some way, you wouldn't consider it putting too much pressure on him to change meds or doctors. You would be worried about his health, and what the wrong dosage or medication could be doing to his body.

I'm just saying, don't hold back on your level of involvement just because this is related to a sexual issue. If you would push to get the right care if he had heart problems, then push to get the right care for his hormonal imbalance.


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## Star-Gazer (Jun 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> Yes, you misunderstood. I was referring to this part of your post:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ah, gotcha. Yes, I misunderstood what you were saying, too.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Star-Gazer said:


> His one and only T test level was 280.


I tested 220 total, no we cant tell when we are low, its like being inside a bubble and being asked what things look like on the outside, we are just surprised that there could be an "outside" because the bubble is all we see. I cant tell you how annoying it is to know that a better quality of life is out there, but have no tangible way to feel it until the hormones are where they should be.

I find it takes 90% effort to do what used to take 10% I'm exhausted all the time, I miss having a massive overwhelming urge to feel my wife shudder under my weight as we make love, all I have at the moment is the memory of how that feels and the understanding that its my duty as her husband to provide for her in that way. (and no, its not duty sex, I am as into it as my body allows at the moment, and if we take enough time I can feel 90% like myself, just no drive and a hard time initiating due to lack of that impulse) 

She falls asleep in my arms every night, even if we dont have sex. Right now I try my best to never turn her down when she initiates, and I try to initiate at least once a week. I tell her I miss the taste of her, or the feel of her in my hand, every few days, in case she feels like having me touch her or go down on her. Cant wait to be near 700 consistently, gunna rock her world again.


edit: in case anyone is curious, the scale starts at 200 when it comes to measuring free T.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Paladin so sorry you are dealing with that. I think it's awesome that you make sure to initiate. Thru lots of discussion my husband came to realize how deep a need I had and would try to make sure to "reset" my buttons at regular intervals.. Because I get cranky when going without for too long I can understand how his hormones being off make him cranky. Trying to understand each others needs helps a lot.

It's a hard thing to deal with. If you were to relate the hunger for sex to the hunger for food. Me being hungry does not make food suddenly available. But food not being available does not make my hunger go away. Tough thing is we are loyal to our own cook so we can't just go find something somewhere else.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bbdad said:


> He is probably on Test Cypionate. That has a half life of about 7 days. The shots should be weekly at a minimum. I have my dose split and shoot is 2x per week. That keeps my levels the most stable.
> 
> If he is on cypionate, you need to educate his doctor that 1 shot every 3 weeks is HORRIBLE. He will have major peaks and valleys in his test level. That sounds like what you are experiencing.
> 
> ...


All the above is correct. :iagree:


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

bbdad said:


> basically, find a doc that is familiar with male trt. It doesn't sound like the doc he has is very familiar with it.


exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

T injections once every three weeks, as has been said, is far too far apart. At least once every two weeks is much more average. 

They are not subcutaneous, either. They're intramuscular. The needle is about 1 to 1.5 inches long. 

I highly recommend getting a complete hormonal blood panel, as also suggested above. I'm just seconding the notion. 

Testosterone leves may or may not change libido. There are many factors in play here. The blood tests are a MUST -- you gotta know how your body is reacting to the treatment, and that's the only way to do it. 

Find a male hormone specialist in your area and go there, at least once, to get a full run-down. Many GPs do not have the background or specific education for this often-complicated treatment. Also I highly recommend lef.org as they have many articles (referenced to scientific/medical tests and reviews) about T replacement. Go to their main page, then down to the lower part of it; there's a link to T articles. There's a lot to know about this; don't treat it lightly. 

I hope your GP is better at other stuff than this. I give him a D for his therapy so far.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Depending on dosages and frequency, you can shoot subQ without issue. If you are on say 150 mg / week with a vial that 200 mg/ml, you are taking 3/4cc per week. If you split that into 2 does, then you are taking .3875 cc / week. That can easily go subQ. Current studies show that it gets absorbed well and will maintain blood levels quite stable.

My understanding is that it was done IM, because of the quantity of oil being shot. If you are shooting 1+ mL of oil, you gotta bury that in the muscle, or you would have a crazy knot in the subQ tissue where you shot it.

I know guys that take "unprescribed hormones" and are shooting ED or EOD and go the subQ route.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

bbdad said:


> ...That can easily go subQ. Current studies show that it gets absorbed well and will maintain blood levels quite stable.
> 
> My understanding is that it was done IM, because of the quantity of oil being shot. If you are shooting 1+ mL of oil, you gotta bury that in the muscle, or you would have a crazy knot in the subQ tissue where you shot it.
> 
> I know guys that take "unprescribed hormones" and are shooting ED or EOD and go the subQ route.


This is correct. Thank you for adding this. 

If anyone is interested a very good resource for this topic is Peak Testosterone very well cited info with lots of knowledgeable members.

More and more doctors are going for more frequent subcutaneous ("sub-q" as its called in the US for short) injections for TRT these days, lots of supporting studies show better results with sub-q than IM (intramuscular)


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