# Living at boyfriends parents house is doing my head in!!!!!



## eolhc238 (Oct 16, 2012)

My fiancée and I have basically been living together from day 1 (we where room mates at university). Now that university has finished we have to move back home again. The agreement always was that we had enough money we would rent together. But he has changed his mind and this where the trouble beings...

1. My home is far away from a main city (i.e. jobs) where he lives in the city. So we decided that when we work, we spend it at his place and when we aren't, we go to my place. But now he has turned the tables and complains and complains if we have to go to my house (even for a day). I always drive everywhere for him, whether it be going to mine or his place or shops. When I ask for $5 or $10 towards petrol, he chucks a fit about how he has no money (he is working full time while I can't find a job). For me I find that is not fair. My tank costs $80 to fill up so for once a week, it wasn't much. Over the last month we have only spent 4 days at mine but he expects me to be at his house even when he is at work.

2. After staying at his families house, I realise they are not what I thought they where. His mother and father scream at each other 24/7, calling each other " f***king c***ts" and other nasty names all the time. It drives me insane. It is never peaceful, ever.It puts such a strain on us. When my partner isn't there, they spend their time talking about him and me even though they know I am in the next room and can hear every word. 
Every time we go to make plans to do something other then being at home, his parent always find a way to convince him we shouldn't go anywhere or they tell him we have to stay to watch the house because they want to go shopping etc. 
If we even go to my home for one day, he will get phone calls asking him when he is coming back.
He has decided we won't go rent when I get a job because his parents think it is not a good idea.

For me, if we don't move out, our relationship will be over. I am so over it I just can't take it. When we where living 5 hours away, he wasn't anything like this. He was more independent and liked being an adult. Now that he is back home, he has become a child. He is 22, working full time. He doesn't pay any board or pay for food or bills or cleans or cooks, nothing. He likes living easy and it upsets me because I come from a family where being independent was very important.

Any advice or similar situations.. I feel like I am crazy!!

ps.. I pay board to his family, buy my own food and pitch in for bills
pss.. I can go on about more stuff but no one would read it because it would be too long...

Sorry one last thing, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate them opening their home to me and accepting me, it just I come from a different home so I am struggling with the changes. I guess more what I am saying is I don't think my partner really understands how different his family is to mine and how hard it is to live there.


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## streamofsilence (Nov 25, 2012)

I do understand you because I was in the same situation with my bf living with his mother and brother as well and he kept saying he couldn't leave them by themselves; he had to take care of them and he didn't wanna go rent a place also because "it was too expensive", while living with mom who had her rent supposedly paid through her benefits was much more convenient (he still gave her what was supposed to be his part of the rent cos that wasn't covered by the benefit). 
Well, it turned out she had lost all her benefits (her fault really) and wasn't paying any rent at all and using his money to "support" herself. He was already supporting her so I didn't understand that part. 
Luckily I should say, cos I really think it was for the best, we got evicted and finally found a place of our own and as we can see, his mom hasn't died just because they are not under the same roof as he almost made it look like before. He seemed to imply she couldn't look after herself, which she should start doing as she is dependent on her children in every way. 
You have all my sympathy; living with your partner and his parents is NOT a good idea in my opinion... I suppose you don't have a lot of intimacy either because of this, which is not right. 
You need to find a way to tell him all this situation is putting a serious strain on your relationship and you need your space as a couple as well, which isn't possible to have with his family under the same roof and so intrusive it seems. 
Point out his regression as well (you said he has gone back to acting like he were still a child). That might make him defensive, but he needs to hear it and he needs to hear you are not going to tolerate this situation any longer.


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## eolhc238 (Oct 16, 2012)

Thank you for the reply and sharing your situation.

It is really hard isn't it?

I care for him, I really do, but its the old him I am hanging onto.
Trust me, we never are romantic together because his dad sleeps on one side and his sister on the other side....

I forgot to add, his nan lives next doors, then his aunt and cousins live on the other side and the next house along is his other nan... :slap:

I will keep trying to talk to him like you suggest but I feel like I am fighting a battle already lost. I am always in the wrong (ie. We are seeing my family so I should pay for the petrol there and back or I am wrong because I say how i dont like his family fighting 24/7)


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## streamofsilence (Nov 25, 2012)

Yes, it is. It looks like you have a small place which can get suffocating (we used to live in a tiny maisonette and the rooms had paper thin walls so sex was VERY difficult to have and to top it all off his mom was almost 24/7 indoors). 
If you feel that, then maybe try a harsher approach, make him see that if he doesn't wanna address your issues, you are ready to leave. I know it's easier said than done, but unless something dramatic like in my case occurs, it really looks like nothing's gonna change. 
I do have problems standing up for myself and so suffered situations I shouldn't have suffered, don't make my same mistake (anyway you sound a lot more assertive).


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## eolhc238 (Oct 16, 2012)

Yes I think I might have to make a harsher approach as you say.

Once we move out (if ever) he will change completely. It is his family. We go on a small holiday, and he is nothing like what he is at home. It is like as soon as we get back.. bang... he is a 16 year old again.

Thank you again I reply do appreciate the advice. I am thinking I might not stay there often any more until I find a job. Not sure, it is hard to be away from someone when the longest you have been away from them is a couple days. Breaking a habit I guess


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## in_disbelief (Nov 29, 2010)

I wish you good luck , definitely he needs to move out.


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## eolhc238 (Oct 16, 2012)

in_disbelief said:


> I wish you good luck , definitely he needs to move out.


Thank you so much and I 100% agree :iagree:


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