# Wife wants to separate... Need to vent



## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

So I had "the" discussion with my wife yesterday and she tells me that she wants to separate. Since then I've been turning to the internet to search for some coping mechanisms and came across this site. I read other people's stories and thought it might therapeutic to write post my story and get feedback from others going through this situation. Please excuse the long post and potential ramblings as my emotions are still very raw.

My wife and I met back in 2004 through a mutual online hobby. I guess it all started as a "typical" online relationship, getting to know each other over the course of months while online, graduating to telephone conversations and after about a year or so of communicating this way, we finally met. Having spent the last year getting to know and developing a real emotional attachment to this woman, the first face to face meeting was just the icing on the cake. She lived about an hours drive from where I was living at the time so the first few months of our real relationship centered around weekend long visits spending every minute we had together, then going back to phone calls during the week. About five months into the relationship we decided to move in together so I packed up my belonging and moved in with her.

Living together, we quickly discovered that we were polar opposites as far as our personality goes. She's more of a conservative, 'A-type', highly organized and structured person while I'm more of a liberal, laid back wait and see type who's comfortable living in a disorganized environment. For the longest time, our traits seemed to balance each other out. She forced me to be more organized and tidy while I forced her not stress so much over the little things.

Our sex life wasn't what you would call stellar, as her conservative personality transcended into the bedroom leaving me always wanting something more, intimate, or wild I guess you could say. She is not a sexual person by nature and I was always having to initiate the romance in our relationship. A small grievance that was greatly outweighed by all the other pluses and for years our relationship thrived. After moving in with her, my commute to work went from a 45 minute train ride to a 1.5-3 hour car ride, but for the longest time we would talk from the time I left the office to minutes before walking in the door. 

Fast forward five years and we were married, bought a house together and had two dogs. 

I guess it was after we got the dogs that I noticed things changing for the worse. It wasn't *our* dogs, but instead she treated them as hers and mine. That always rubbed me the wrong way. I was lacking the feeling of a cohesive household. Occasionally I would mention these feelings, but I guess in a sugar coated way and eventually just resigned myself to having this compartmented aspect of my life. 

Our differing personalities also seemed to have more of a hindering effect than a balancing one. We were always playing a zero sum game. She would cook, I would do the dishes. She'd clean the top portion of the house, I'd do the bottom. She'd do the laundry, I'd do the grocery shopping. My unorganized personality was also draining her and we would have constant fights over me not doing things a certain way, or me not performing a household chore (like vacuuming) thoroughly enough. 

We carried on though, discussed having kids and after a year of marriage we started to try. I was also putting more focus on advancing myself in my career, at the expense of our relationship and the combined stress of working my tail off and failing to impregnate my wife after 6 months of trying started me on a downward spiral. I started (unconsciously) withdrawing from her. Not giving her the affection she needed. She would being this up and I just kept telling her that I was working hard to advance myself professionally and that by doing so, I'm putting us in a better financial position to have the family we wanted. In my head, I was doing this for us and that me working hard was a way of showing her that I cared for her. 

The issues with our sex continued as they always had and I don't think that helped the situation either. We went from being intimate 2-3 times a week to once every other week. I guess I just got tired of always being the one to initiate these moments, and I started to feel a slight resentment towards her because of it. Every time I saw a movie or TV show where a woman talked about doing things to entice her significant other I would sit there and stew. We had talks about my concerns over our romantic life and she said it just wasn't in her personality to be forward, but that my lack of showing her daily affection didn't help either. We both side we would try to change, but I don't think either of us really succeeded there.

About 1.5 years into the marriage, we had to put my dog down after he attacked my wife and nearly put her in the hospital. That was a huge blow for me and I think put me in an even darker place with respect to the marriage. As I mentioned earlier, she never really treated them as "our" dogs and so I was angered by the fact that she she didn't the loss as hard as I did. 

I think from there we just kept growing further apart. She would still complain about the little things which I would try to fix but I guess I comparmentalized her complaints, doing more around the house and making things easier on her, but not working on the emotional aspect of the issues. I knew how her need for order was very integral to her lifestyle so I thought that by focusing most of my attention on that the other stuff would naturally come around. It didn't, and I think we just ended up becoming compatible roommates than anything else. We started doing different activities on our own time and since she is such a light sleeper I would end up sleeping in a guess room, again thinking this was me of being NICE and not disturbing her (she was not the nicest person when her sleep was interrupted).

This pattern continued until we had "the" talk a couple of days ago where she told me she was unhappy and didn't think things could be fixed. I told her that I loved her and using every strand of willpower I had to not break down into a sobbing mess, told her I wanted her to be happy and that I would agree to the separation if she didn't think I could make her happy anymore.

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm experiencing a disturbing numbness throughout my body. The only real feeling I have is the knot in my stomach and the unending ache in my heart. I haven't been able to eat, or sleep since we had this talk. 

As broken as our marriage had been, the thought of not coming home to her makes me want to vomit. The thought of having to find a new place to live, of selling the house we bought together, of destroying everything I've come to know for almost 7 years is almost too much to bare. My feelings are compounded by the ease at which she's able to discuss this. Yesterday we were listing our financial commitments and from her tone and demeanor you'd think she was making a weekend errand list while I felt like I was being stabbed repeatedly through the heart.

I take full responsibility for my part of the failed marriage, and even though every fiber in my being wants to beg and plead with her to give me another chance; I think she's already checked out so I'm going to to acquiesce to her decision and try, somehow, to put the pieces of my shattered world back together again.

Thank you for reading this. It helped me to put to words my thoughts and feelings to words.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

You handled that much better than I did. I immediately went into "I can change" mode when my wife and I had that talk. The problem was that I hadn't changed, and I was still just focused on myself. So, yeah...I basically blew my last chance (though it didn't feel like I had much of a chance....by the time she told me her true feelings, she was almost certain it was too late already) and now I sit before you a divorced man. And I (and many others) can relate to how you are feeling right now. I still have trouble sleeping, and when I do, I dream about her. It's hell, man. One night I actually prayed for God to not allow me to wake up the next morning. Just so tired of these images running through my head and haunting me, wishing for her to come back even though she has clearly moved on. She says she doesn't want anyone else, but how long is that going to last? I dread the day I find out she's involved with a new man. I honestly don't think I can handle it.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

LA32 - sorry you are here but you will find TAM can be a great resource for support, advice, etc.

I can relate to may parts of your story including the separate bedrooms, the sex issues as well as the matter-of-factness of the finances. What I learned is that oftentimes, the WS (wayward spouse) has checked out of the relationship 12-18 months prior to the bomb drop and has already detached.

Have you suggested marital counselling (MC)? If so, what was your wife's response?


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

soca70 said:


> LA32 - sorry you are here but you will find TAM can be a great resource for support, advice, etc.
> 
> I can relate to may parts of your story including the separate bedrooms, the sex issues as well as the matter-of-factness of the finances. What I learned is that oftentimes, the WS (wayward spouse) has checked out of the relationship 12-18 months prior to the bomb drop and has already detached.
> 
> Have you suggested marital counselling (MC)? If so, what was your wife's response?


Soca - When we had the big talk, I asked if we should try seeing a professional and the response I got back was "I've already said everything that needs to be said". I went out with a friend who went through multiple divorces and she said that it sounded like my wife had already emotionally checked out of the relationship; that there was very little we I could do to change the situation. I agreed with her and I'm slowly starting to come to terms with the situation I'm in. Perhaps after I move out and we spend some time apart maybe her feelings will change. I would hate to throw away 7 years of our lives together, but if she doesn't think I can make her happy anymore then I'd rather just bit the bullet and get over the anguish I'm going through so I can move on with my life.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

lonelyat32 said:


> As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm experiencing a disturbing numbness throughout my body. The only real feeling I have is the knot in my stomach and the unending ache in my heart. I haven't been able to eat, or sleep since we had this talk.


Those are anxiety symptoms. You will start losing weight. I lost about 20 pounds. If you want relief from them go to the doctor and get on anti-depressants. They help a lot with the physical symptoms, which I found to be one of the worst things about separation. 

Why are you the one moving out when she wants to separate? Why doesn't she move out?


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## Saffy (Mar 19, 2013)

I can see some similarities in what you're going through and what I went through when we separated 2 weeks ago.

Antidepressants - awesome, have side-effects. I quit after 6 days, although considering going back on today.

Her demeanor - I don't know if I can offer any insight necessarily. My wife did the same thing with finances, and when she asked to separate. But at other times she was a sobbing mess, so your wife may be the same. People have strong and weak moments, yourself included, so you have to step back and analyze the bigger, longer term picture if you're trying to figure out how she really feels.

Home - I felt the same way. Leaving the house was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My wife left for the weekend so I could move out. I left everything but what I brought into the marriage and a handful of things I needed. I didn't take any pictures, any vacation souvenirs, and I even left some gifts she gave me behind. I also left EVERYTHING I ever gave her, regardless of value. Don't get weighed down by material attachments - it's just stuff. Granted I may be biased, as I can replace everything in a month and she can barely cover the mortgage and utilities... but that's her problem.

All I can suggest is do your best to make it day by day. You will have bad days, for a long time, but you will have good days too. You will wake up after dreaming of her and it will hurt like hell. Grab your support network (friends, family, whoever) and start working with them to help yourself. I found it helped to not be alone (especially overnight) for a few days. Try to stay busy (in a productive way) so you don't obsess over every thing you or she did or said. Get counselling ASAP.

The number one thing you have to do is find some inner strength. The strength to not beg and plead for forgiveness, the strength to not blame yourself, the strength to recognized that you both made mistakes and there's nothing you can do to change the past. The most important thing - don't act out of emotion. Anger, hurt, despair, revenge... they'll hurt you more in the long run. If you find yourself going down the dark road (as I have a few times) either call up a friend and talk it out, go for a jog... or worst case scenario knock yourself out and sleep it off.

One question for you: she wants to separate, does she want to divorce?


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

Saffy said:


> I can see some similarities in what you're going through and what I went through when we separated 2 weeks ago.
> 
> Antidepressants - awesome, have side-effects. I quit after 6 days, although considering going back on today.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice Saffy. It's been about a week since she told me she wants to separate. I'm working on an application for a new apartment to move into now. I should be out of the house within a couple of weeks. Luckily I have a couple of really close friends, one of whom has gone through multiple divorces so she's been able to provide me with a great deal of support.

I don't plan on taking much out of the house. She's already agreed to give me the one big ticket item I cared about (the big screen tv). I'll most likely end up replacing furniture and other odds and end on my own. I'd rather just make a clean break and start the healing process.

She hasn't specifically used the word divorce. When we were having the talk I asked if she wanted a divorce. She said she didn't know, but wanted to get separated. I didn't pry any further for fear of where it may lead.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Detached, the mother of all marriage mountains. As mentioned before, her decision was made long before she actually said anything to you. She's already prepared herself emotionally for the outcome. This is gonna go downhill fast for you i'm afraid. Your gonna have your moments of clarity compounded by complete doubt and anxiety. I wish you good luck for journey your about to start. Theres a lot of support here, don't be afraid to come here and vent, its a healthy out. Do get yourself some hobbies/friends/outlets in place, you will need them.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you think that the relationship can be salvaged, perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling? If you think she's made up her mind, then posting here and sticking around will hopefully help you feel better about moving on, even when it's painful. Hang in there!


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

L32,

Restart your life brother. Start working on you. Exercise, whiten your teeth, reconnect with old friends, start going to church, volunteer, start a hobby you always wanted to.

You are going to come across some situations that really break you down so when you find them, avoid them. For me it was cooking on the weekends at home. Started eating out on the weekends and adjusted my schedule to cook during the week.

Don't make yourself sick, make yourself better. I did not think I could do it but I am and I am going to be happy goddamnit!

Life is good,
Stretch


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

L32,

She's likely not coming back.

If you've never really been "into" each other, it isn't likely to happen now.

Start living your life, heal, and eventually find someone who is into you.

Bring back everything you gave up to please her.

Your personal power will return. I promise.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

moxy said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through. If you think that the relationship can be salvaged, perhaps you can suggest marriage counseling? If you think she's made up her mind, then posting here and sticking around will hopefully help you feel better about moving on, even when it's painful. Hang in there!











:iagree:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Bring back everything you gave up to please her.
> 
> Your personal power will return. I promise.


And here we start. We have a couple of issues here. You are codependent and passive agressive. Candy coating issues, not having boundries, and allowing resentment have been your coping mechanisms. They aren't very attractive. Quite honestly, you probably wouldn't be attracted to you in your current state.

Good news, there is hope for you. For her, wow, she has her own set of issues. But, let's look at the relationship. You changed everything for her. You did a hellacious round trip commute...for what? To please her, to be with her.

See, there is something to be said about a man who has passion in his life. Not the passion that derives from trying to be a good husband, but the passion to be a strong, stable, honorable man. Welcome to the club, my friend. This can be a really awesome journey if you want it to. Conrad is right.....she probably isn't coming back. BUT, you have the choice to make sure that these same mistakes are not repeated, and you become happy with the person you ARE.

I have been through the pain. I am one year removed from my home. I had the "detached, emotionally checked out" wife. Typically, this is because they have their own littany of problems. Problems that you can't fix. Problems that they don't even want to see. Problems that they are willing to run away from and call it "detached". Pain is temporary. It can last for a minute, a day, or even a year, however, one day it will subside and will be replaced by something else...IF YOU DON'T QUIT. So, in a way, the pain you will feel over the next years is a good thing. Why? Because pain breeds success. Stick around here. Ask questions. Start reading and working on becoming a happy and healthy you. Let the relationship take care of itself one way or the other. If you do that, you will find that you could turn into a pretty dang good guy, and that is all the retribution you need.

Do not make this about saving your marriage. Save yourself, and maybe your marriage will become a byproduct of that.


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