# Hubby has trouble saying No



## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

My husband and I have been married for 1.5 years and together for 3. He is an extremely sweet, understanding and supportive person, but has a massive fear of conflict/confrontation and henceforth has trouble saying no alot of times. Even if he feels uncomfortable or knows deep down that what is being asked of him to do isn't his job - he still goes ahead and says yes. For example, we recently shifted our house and the real estate agent who brokered the deal assured us that he would get the issues in the house fixed before we moved in. However that didn't happen and today when my hubby spoke to him he told him to speak to the house owner before he could get anything fixed. He agreed to do that despite the fact that it was not his job and we would still have to pay the agent brokerage after that. 

It's a small incident but this happens quite often. It sometimes bugs me because I don't like the fact that he lets people walk all over him. We don't argue over it, but I just thought I'd get some advice on how to deal with this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Aburjwal said:


> It sometimes bugs me because I don't like the fact that he lets people walk all over him. We don't argue over it, but I just thought I'd get some advice on how to deal with this.


There will be many opinions on this, and that's a good thing about forums like this. There's much to be learned from how other people see things in different ways.

Here's my $ 0.02:

Pick your battles..... some extra effort, few more bucks on your husband's part allows him to keep his comfort zone. For him, avoiding conflict avoids pain.

If you confront your husband about it, you force him into being conflict-avoidant (with you). It's not something you really want to have in your marriage.

I'm not saying that you should accept any and all scenarios. Costly ones, in terms of time and money, may be somewhere you want to give input....but be aware you may "win the battle" at the expense of your marriage. Make sure the benefit is high enough, that it's "a hill you want to die on".


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Does your husband see this as a problem?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Does he neglect you and your marriage in order to do these things?

If being helpful doesn't take away from your relationship or put in in financial jeopardy, I'd be hard-pressed to say it's a huge issue. However, if he is always doing things for others while YOUR house falls apart, or if he is so busy not saying no that you do not have any time with him, then definitely it is an issue.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your broker didn't do his job, yet still gets paid. Not cool. Have you talked to your H about this before? I would suggest you both read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. If your H keeps saying yes like this, he is going to build up a lot of resentment that he will keep inside, and that isn't good for anyone or for your marriage.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I agree with @TJW. However, he needs to practice saying no (in mirror at home with good eye contact), because there are occasions when he will be taken advantage of otherwise. He must decide if the occasion is or is not something he is willing to do.

"No" is a complete sentence, but something like, "I'd like to be able to help you, but I can't'." may sit better with him.

"But I understood that you were going to take care of that" said in non-aggressive way leaves occasion open for discussion.

He might also want to consider why this is hard for him. Likely something/things in his past have influenced his demeanor. As has been said, if he feels pressure from you, that will compound the issue, so be supportive.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is the person he is, the person you married. How badly is this affecting your lives? If it doesn't have big consequences, then I'd suggest accepting it as part of his personality. As personality flaws go, its not all that serious.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I find conflict avoidance a huge issue. The reason is because it seeps into every aspect of the conflict avoider's life, and affects those around them as more and more issues come up and are swept under the carpet or handled in the easiest way possible (easiest for him, that is.)

He can't always afford to pay people money they don't deserve just so he doesn't have to speak up and make someone angry. That will eventually hurt your family.

Does his conflict avoidance cause him to be sneaky and dishonest?

Is he only a conflict avoider with others, but at home he always gets his way? That can also happen: they let other people walk all over them, but the aren't afraid to argue with their spouse.

Marriage to a conflict avoider is frustrating because of their double standard.

Do you have any children? When they begin to push back, he will want to be their friend, and you will end up always having to be the "bad guy." That will cause problems for you and for your children, as they figure out that they get what they want with dad, and they begin to play the two of you against each other in order to get their way.

Usually conflict avoidant people have also learned to be passive aggressive. They have emotions and feelings of anger and frustration just like anyone else. They have simply learned how to not show them out in the open especially to people they want to impress. Those negative feelings come out in different ways, since they are not coming out through the conflict avoider's words and initial actions.

If you search a little online, you can find the book that was recommended called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and you can download it for him and for you to read.

My husband was like your husband for most of our marriage. He really hurt our marriage by his conflict avoidance. After reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, he realized that "being the Nice Guy" isn't always "nice."

Another book I can recommend that influenced him deeply is: "Hold Onto Your Nuts." (Nuts: Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms)

It will help him find his terms, and teach him the value of sticking to them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married for decades to someone who could not say "no" to others. It ended up costing us tons of money in bad investments but he never changed no matter how many times we had those discussions. 

Some people can't or won't change no matter what.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

Thor said:


> Does your husband see this as a problem?


Not always. He does, sometimes though, when money is involved.


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## Aburjwal (Feb 20, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your broker didn't do his job, yet still gets paid. Not cool. Have you talked to your H about this before? I would suggest you both read No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. If your H keeps saying yes like this, he is going to build up a lot of resentment that he will keep inside, and that isn't good for anyone or for your marriage.


Yes I have, and he admits that its an issue but he has trouble overcoming it. I agree, he is someone who bottles things up inside. Will try to download the book today.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Aburjwal said:


> Not always. He does, sometimes though, when money is involved.


Ok, there are several books I'd recommend.

1) No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Glover. This is a book for him alone. Generally it is better if the wife doesn't read it along with him, though in your case it may not be counter productive. NMMNG deals with the "people pleaser" issues, and if you are involved with him on this book it could manifest as him trying to please you with his progress. If he invites you into conversations or exercises from the book then I think that is fine, but this is one book I think you should not push to participate in with him. Also, don't be put off by the title, it isn't what you may think it is.

2) When I Say No, I Feel Guilty by M. Smith. This book is far more than the title suggests. There is a philosophy which drives the contents of the book, which is that a person has the right to their own position and opinion. That philosophy meshes very much with NMMNG. The book provides a lot of practical verbal tools for dealing with people.

3) Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. There is also a workbook to go along with it.

Your husband's strategy seems to be that the easiest path through life is to accept a little bit of inconvenience sometimes rather than get into confrontations. However this strategy results in people using him more and more. Instead of one minor inconvenience it turns into ten more inconveniences. If he'd said NO the first time it would have been one event and then no more. But he doesn't see this. Also, he sees the confrontation as unpleasant and perhaps as socially unacceptable, so the inconvenience is less pain to him. The above books will give him the philosophy and the tools to understand that the confrontation doesn't have to be unpleasant, and that his preferences are a higher priority than others' preferences.

Note that he has to see his current behavior as a problem in order to try to change it. There may be some discomfort for him as he works through these books, but the rewards are usually very immediate. The first time he uses "Broken Record" from the second book it will be uncomfortable as he does it, but by the end of the conversation he will be elated that it works and there are no disastrous results. If you approach the last 2 books with a positive attitude and make it a team effort for both of you to learn the new skills I think he will embrace the project.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Here's another book:
https://www.amazon.com/How-Say-With...rds=how+to+say+no+without+feeling+guilty+book

How to Say no Without Feeling Guilty...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" , Dr. Robert A. Glover


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

uhtred said:


> That is the person he is, the person you married. How badly is this affecting your lives? If it doesn't have big consequences, then I'd suggest accepting it as part of his personality. As personality flaws go, its not all that serious.


Conflict avoidance is one of THE most deeply seated issues a person can have. It comes from his childhood and something there shaped him into someone incapable of standing up to people.

You can't change that. Not without a lot - and I mean a lot - of therapy. 

So what to do? Have a frank, honest conversation about it. He needs to admit that he simply can't do it, and then he needs to agree to let you be the 'strong one' in the family and take care of issues.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The conversation may not be necessary. If he is happy to let the OP do it, then maybe that just works. 

Conflict avoidance can also take many different forms in terms of what sort of conflicts people avoid. 



turnera said:


> Conflict avoidance is one of THE most deeply seated issues a person can have. It comes from his childhood and something there shaped him into someone incapable of standing up to people.
> 
> You can't change that. Not without a lot - and I mean a lot - of therapy.
> 
> So what to do? Have a frank, honest conversation about it. He needs to admit that he simply can't do it, and then he needs to agree to let you be the 'strong one' in the family and take care of issues.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I don't understand your response. Why don't you call and chew the real estate broker out yourself. You love husband because he tries to make people happy, you don't need to change him, so you take over some of the tougher confrontational issues. For example, my wife used to avoid confrontation, but liked going to timeshare presentations (free room, nice description of benefits), and I had would have to be the bad guy- no big deal.


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