# Everywhere a dead end



## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

Hello? 
Firstly, I'm not asking for advice. Every possible way to help our marriage is answered with a NO from my wife.

Secondly, we, like a lot of people have circumstances which prevents divorce.

We don't talk to each other and sleep separately etc etc etc 

There are kids involved.

So,what my post is about is ... Are there other people on the forum who are trapped in marriage for the next 10-15 years?

Thanks,

.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Zombiemarriage said:


> Hello?
> Firstly, I'm not asking for advice. Every possible way to help our marriage is answered with a NO from my wife.
> 
> Secondly, we, like a lot of people have circumstances which prevents divorce.
> ...


Hmm trapped . 

Work on yourself and keep busy. 
If you really wanted out there would be a way.

I'ts just not worth it yet to you.

You could start a long range plan.


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## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

I feel trapped because of a few reasons.

Here's one reason.

If I divorced her, irrespective of the circumstances of the marriage she would be able to say to the kids "Daddy left you". From the point of view of anyone who knows us, I would be known as the guy who walked out on his wife and kids. 

I have a long term plan.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Zombiemarriage said:


> From the point of view of anyone who knows us, I would be known as the guy who walked out on his wife and kids.


First of all, who cares what others think? They’re not the ones stuck in a miserable marriage.

But if you MUST explain, reframe the narrative. Instead of “Husband walked out on us”, tell everyone “Wife sleeps in a separate room and we haven’t had sex in the past __ years. This is not how I want to model marriage for my children.”


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

What kind of nonsense are you talking about, are you that insecure and lack so much confidence in yourself? Your wife can tell the kids whatever she wants until the fat lady sings; but you wouldn't be divorcing your kids. You would get a shark of a lawyer that at Minimum would get you 50/50 with the kids and become co-parents.

Wouldn't you have sufficient brain to counter anything your wife might said against you to the kids? Do you think that your kids are some kind of idiots, that they wouldn't be able to make rational decisions in their own about their parents? Remember they are a sponge, they are absorbing everything and computing it in their brains.

So, unless, someone is holding a gun against your head I can't not fathom anyone, not getting a divorce, if that is what they want.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You’re weak and making excuses to do nothing. So your saga will just continue.

What’s laying in the victims chair going to get you? More of the same


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Let's hear your long term plan.


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## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

Thanks for the replies. There are other reasons as well as those I gave. Financial reasons, and the fact the kids wouldn't have as high a standard of living as they currently do. 

My long term plan is to wait it out until the kids are old enough. I don't want to upset them and cause disruption in their lives. 

I am working on myself, trying to be the best I can be.

I'm making sure all financial arrangements are as good as they can be. 

I am trying very hard to be a good father. 

I'm not happy, but my kids welfare on a day to day basis is more important.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Firstly do you still love your wife?

My advice would depend on how you any this question. 

It’s ssd to think of anyone trapped in a marriage that’s less than it should be.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Zombiemarriage said:


> Thanks for the replies. There are other reasons as well as those I gave. Financial reasons, and the fact the kids wouldn't have as high a standard of living as they currently do.
> 
> My long term plan is to wait it out until the kids are old enough. I don't want to upset them and cause disruption in their lives.
> 
> ...


Reading that makes me very sad. Sad because I said and felt the same half way thru my 20 year marriage, sad because now I realized I wasted 10 good years of my life. If you are truly working on yourself and trying to be the best you can be it will NEVER happen when you are living your day to day life in misery and resentment. You can not disguise being unhappy to the children, frankly you may not be able to hide it from family and friends either. 

I have read many times children raised by happy single parents end up better off than children raised in an un happy home.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You can not disguise being unhappy to the children, frankly you may not be able to hide it from family and friends either. 

BINGO !!!!!

Get out the victim chair


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I take it that if you ever suggested joint marriage counseling, that her answer to that query would also be met with a resounding "No!"*


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Wow, people can be mean here. I don't think you're weak. That sounds like a difficult situation and I understand your need to be seen as the supportive and protective dad. My mom left my dad and I did feel like she walked out on us as well. I think that feeling is inevitable. But the hard work she put into building our relationship back up and proving to me she hadn't left us was worth it. You can show your children that you didn't walk out on them...it will take hard work but it is possible!


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## Zombiemarriage (Feb 17, 2018)

Yes, she refuses to go to counseling.

The bottom line is my kids needs are greater than my need for romantic fulfillment.

My certainty on this has helped me to keep going.

For a few years, I just felt like I was dying.

There's a lot I didn't know about relationships before I got married. As I mentioned above, one partner refusing to go to counseling would be just one thing.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Zombiemarriage said:


> Yes, she refuses to go to counseling.
> 
> The bottom line is my kids needs are greater than my need for romantic fulfillment.
> 
> ...


Seems like there is a missing event or circumstance here. Is she or has she been involved with someone else? Can you explain how you got from A to B. Assuming a happy courting/marriage/kids .. to .. where you are today?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I made the same calculation when my first child was born. My now xw had fertility problems which required just the right mix of medications at just the right times to get and then stay pregnant. Her doc was an early pioneer in this, which is now a pretty mainstream treatment. We'd been to a few other docs in the few years prior to finding this guy. Anyhow, I remember after 6 months of the meds without her getting pregnant we sat in the docs office and he said if she wasn't pregnant by now she wasn't going to get pregnant other than with in vitro. She begged me to try one more time with the meds. I had already decided a couple of months earlier that the marriage was so messed up that I didn't want kids until the marriage had improved substantially. And the doc said she wouldn't get pregnant, so I gave in. And yup, she got pregnant.

My Prime Directive became "Divorce is Not an Option". But that simply meant I had zero ability to effect any substantive changes to the marriage. I didn't want to have any really big confrontations or disagreements, because those could lead to divorce. And little confrontations could become big confrontations, so I wouldn't push back much at all on the small things. As soon as she started making a fuss about something small, I just gave in. I couldn't let the Prime Directive be violated!

That's where you are. You have zero power in the relationship. Zero influence on even important things to you. Let me give you 2 examples. My W knew I was vehemently opposed to a particular medication for the kids unless it became the last resort. The side effects can be very serious. There were many many options prior to taking this Rx med. But she went behind my back and put one of the kids on it anyway, seeing it as the easy solution. I found out through sheer chance after one week. I can't put into words the devastation of this betrayal involving one of the kids' health. Worse than the W cheating. The second major betrayal was financial, involving many tens of thousands of dollars. Even though we had an agreement on the money, she decided to just do it anyway and hide it from me. This turned out to be the death knell to the marriage when I discovered it, though it took another year for the marriage to actually die.

She had never really had to consider my wishes or the good of the marriage, because I had to be careful to never let any situation escalate. She also never faced any real consequences for bad behavior. I let several apparent affairs go unchallenged earlier (before the advent of all the tech we have today for spying). So she learned her selfishness could be fed at will. While I thought I was being the good father, I was actually setting myself up as the stooge in her eyes. And my kids were not learning healthy relationship dynamics from us.

My wife also refused MC, btw. She liked the present arrangement just fine!

Younger kids do better with divorce than older kids. And the financial issues only get worse not better as time passes. Things like retirement, alimony, college expenses, and health issues all become bigger factors with time. Your kids will know the truth and as long as you love them and are a good father they won't care what their mom says about you. So my advice is if the marriage is not acceptable, get out.

You have to be willing to lose the marriage to fix the marriage. The Prime Directive will destroy your ability to improve anything, and will in fact make things much worse. Your children's emotional welfare is on the line, and in my case my child's physical welfare was seriously threatened!


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Zombiemarriage said:


> Thanks for the replies. There are other reasons as well as those I gave. Financial reasons, and the fact the kids wouldn't have as high a standard of living as they currently do.
> 
> My long term plan is to wait it out until the kids are old enough. I don't want to upset them and cause disruption in their lives.
> 
> ...


Guess what? She doesn't think the same way you do. Guess what else? _She_ can divorce _you_ at any time no matter what you do. 

Better for you to be prepared and strike when she's not than for her to do it to you. You waiting until she pulls the trigger will only result in your disadvantage in the divorce and likely less time with your kids than if you took the bull by the horns and drove the process.

Don't forget, you can't find a good stepmother for your kids, the kind of woman who may be able to counteract some of the dysfunction your wife is teaching them, until you kick her to the curb.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Language matters. The way you speak to yourself about your situation feeds back into your brain, effecting your propensity to feel this or that which comes tomorrow and the next. It effects your capacity for feeling good, effects your emotional resiliency.

If you spend another 10-15 years of your life in such a sad and continually frustrating situation, at least resolve now to protect your mind, brain, and soul. Learn what it takes to not lose yourself to the situation. Learn to avoid it consuming you, and ****ting out a shadow of you in the end.

It is possible for two seemingly contradictiey things to be true at the same time.... and there is value in particular cases of understanding how. You say you feel trapped. Others say you just don’t want to leave badly enough. Is the truth that you do feel trapped, because you indeed can’t change your wife or your own feelings towards each other, but you’ve weighed all that against the perceived costs of leaving, and have made the choice to stay? If so, I can imagine I’d be more resilient and open to good experiences along the way if I emphasized the choice I’m making — in my talk to myself and others — than emphasized the trapped/powerless feelings. Both have truth. But one has a choice to where one invests the energy of one’s mind.

I just finished reading “Unfu*k Yourself” by Gary John Bishop, and thought it very good and relevant to your situation (from the sounds of it) and mine. https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0062...*+yourself&dpPl=1&dpID=41HAaBdPbgL&ref=plSrch


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Zombiemarriage said:


> Thanks for the replies. There are other reasons as well as those I gave. Financial reasons, and the fact the kids wouldn't have as high a standard of living as they currently do.
> 
> My long term plan is to wait it out until the kids are old enough. I don't want to upset them and cause disruption in their lives.
> 
> ...


First, you need to research alimony laws in your state — wait too long to divorce and you could wind up paying _permanent_ alimony.

There’s also the whole “alimony no longer tax-deductible after X date” thing.

In other words, your long-term plan should include talking with a divorce attorney in the short term.

Second, you don’t divorce your kids — you divorce your wife.

Third, why is your marriage in such a crappy state?


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