# Question ** What's the difference?**



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

So, I keep reading posts about people saying internet affair, he sent pictures, or said sexual things, they txted for 3 months. I'm not talking about the people who did this all day everyday like some do with online video games which again is crazy to me 40hrs playing a video game just AMAZINGLY weird. It's the casual he looked at dating sites, he sent a pic, he txts her, type of action that gets labelled as a affair that I don't get.

I don't see this as a affair poor choice, stupid idea, flirting heavily, playing a game, etc but a affair? Really ?

What's the difference between that action and porn watching? I don't know a guy who doesn't watch porn. So, what's the difference if it's all online? You could add strip clubs to that where a woman may be actually giving the husband lap dances and such that's not worse than txting or send a pic to some random internet blah blah?

I bet if many husbands told their wives what they were thinking while watching porn wives would think it's worse than much of the above behavior. "Well first honey I search for college girls, then I looked up hot latinas, or interracial etc etc etc etc as I stroke my XXXX I thought about what it would be like being in her etc etc" 

I personally think all of the behavior I mentioned is not healthy. Seems like everything is labelled as affair these days and it's getting a little IDK pettye for lack of a better word the legal system says a adultery is the following..... at least in NY.

Pretty soon it's going to be "My wife txted a single coworker twice this week why is she having a affair!! I'm so hurt!!"

"My husband when and had drinks and a girl hugged him OMG why is he doing this to me?"





> NY Penal Law Section 255.17 Adultery
> 
> A person is guilty of adultery when he engages in sexual intercourse with another person at a time when he has a living spouse, or the other person has a living spouse.
> 
> Adultery is a class B misdemeanor.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

I've posted my thoughts on this before and I found it a wasted exercise. You seem to want to argue semantics and definitions.

INFIDELITY means to be unfaithful, and that is what this forum is about. Being unfaithful means to betray the marriage. This is not coping with "affairs" (however you want to define them) it's coping with betrayals to the marriage and they take many shapes and forms.

I pray you never experience a virtual betrayal that scoops out your guts and hands them to you on a plate. That might be the only thing that convinces you that it's rather pointless to argue the differences.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

I understand that.........I don't think a guy registering on a dating site is having a affair either until he has a affair. I'm not arguing at all just stating a opinion and I hope I don't have to go through a affair or similar either, so thanks for that.


----------



## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I understand that.........I don't think a guy registering on a dating site is having a affair either until he has a affair. I'm not arguing at all just stating a opinion and I hope I don't have to go through a affair or similar either, so thanks for that.


Well of course that's not considered having an affair.

To the right person, it most certainly could be taken as a breach of trust though. 
Isn't that enough to cause problems in a relationship?

Each couple and situation is different.

Plain and simple... if it will hurt the person you love (GF or spouse) 
then why in the hell would you do it? Talking to women online, 
hugging co-workers all may fine and dandy to you... 
but also could be devastating to your significant other.


----------



## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I don't see this as a affair poor choice, stupid idea, flirting heavily, playing a game, etc but a affair? Really ?


You are playing word games. Instead of researching the legal definition of Adultery, you should become acquainted with the word "infidelity".

From Wikipedia: Infidelity (colloquially known as cheating) most commonly refers to a breach of the expectation of sexual exclusivity that is expressed or implied in intimate relationships in many cultures.

Infidelity can occur in relation to physical intimacy and/or emotional intimacy. The impact of infidelity is said to be not only about sex outside the relationship, but also about trust, betrayal, lying and disloyalty.[1] Sexual infidelity by a marriage partner is commonly called philandery, adultery, or an affair.

What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner in the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of that relationship.

Emotional infidelity is emotional involvement with another person, a process that leads one’s partner to channel emotional resources, such as romantic love, time, and attention, to someone else.[2] The level of intimate involvement can extend from in-person involvement to online affairs. Emotional infidelity, as compared to physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering. Most infidelity involves both physical and emotional unfaithfulness.[3]


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, so NY law states that. And? It doesn't matter. So the law says one thing is adultery but the spouse feels hurt, betrayed by the one who is engaging in the behavior. There are some who find ANY of the above to be cheating. Anything that takes the focus away from strengthening the marriage is betrayal of the marriage vows. Now, what you deem as not cheating... and obviously NY law says is not adultery. Look up "alienation of affection"... those are also grounds for divorce in some states/areas. The point is that it doesn't matter what YOU say about MY marriage. What matters is how it affects ME and MY HUSBAND.

If I feel betrayed because some wh0re, who I befriended, sent a half naked picture of herself to my husband... I have that right. If some guy, who my husband befriended, sent me a picture of his penis... HE has that right. Btw, these are all long distance/no chance of ever meeting IRL people. The point is, it took my thoughts, my feelings, away from my husband. And the same goes for what that b!tch did. I have the right to feel the way I do, just as he had the same right.

Now, I know not everyone is a Christian. I am. My husband is. Yes, we backslid. It happens. And we are rebuilding everything. We don't watch porn. Neither of us. We have seen it in our younger years, before we met. But we have no desire to watch it. No, i don't watch his every move. No, he doesn't watch my every move. But neither of us clears history. We are completely open with each other. My point on this is that we, tho we had fallen away from each other, still maintained the "look on her (or him) with lust in your heart" principle. Which is why it makes me sick knowing that we both got involved with people the way we did. It was all looking...and talking. Never any physical contact. But, because we were both in that situation, we both feel it a betrayal equal to "simple" physical contact. I say "simple" as in ONLY physical. Obviously, if emotions are at play as well as physical contact, it becomes worse....TO US.

The point is, it doesn't matter if the law doesn't see it as adultery. It is still a betrayal. ANY form of sexual gratification, or emotional, or whatever...if it takes away from the marriage, it is wrong. Plain and simple. The law in NY doesn't call it that. Ok, fine. But i bet they recognize "alienation of affection"... and I bet they also allow people to cite "irreconcilable differences". And in a no-fault state...it doesn't matter. But the point is, the two people who it DOES matter to are the ones who define it. And if they see that betrayal as an affair, then that is what it is. I really don't care if someone I don't know doesn't see that my husband disconnecting from me emotionally isn't an affair. What matters is that *I* see it that way...and that he does. And that *WE* see porn, and strip clubs, and all that other stuff as cheating as well. 

Someone texting a "friend" that she is "sexy" because her man doesn't do it... I really hope you never have to see those words. Or to have your spouse say "hey, [my spouse] got upset about my saying XYZ to you"... and then the reply being "that's why I delete my texts every night". I really and truly hope you never have to deal with that. When you have standards regarding those things... it feels like your spouse has ripped your heart out. It feels like someone has punched you in the gut. It's even worse when you know that, had you not disconnected from your spouse, it never would have happened. So, is an emotional affair real? You better believe it. It is just as damaging as being physically unfaithful.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I understand that.........I don't think a guy registering on a dating site is having a affair either until he has a affair.


What would you consider it if your wife were posting her profile and pictures on dating sites specifically seeking out sex?


----------



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

That's the tough thing about EA's there are soooo many shades of grey that they are very slippery to define, where as a physical affair - well that's much more cut and dried. You either had sex or you didn't - well maybe not if your Bill Clinton - I digress.

I had an online emotional affair, it could also correctly be called a virtual physical affair, the only thing it lacked was actual physical sex. Everything else was there, I love you's, sexting, phone sex, hundreds of messages a day, phone calls every time I was in the car - the whole shebang. I can assure you it was an affair. 

Just because two people are never actually in each others presence does not mean that they are not fully capable of having a full on, five alarm affair - indeed I think in some ways it may be worse - the whole wanting what you can't have thing can really twist emotions. Having said that I do agree that many times what gets called an emotional affair is suspect or maybe a little aggressive in diagnosis. There is a big difference between talking to someone of the opposite sex more than you should and swapping I love you's, having phone sex and planning a life together (even if it is all fantasy).


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The fact your spouse wanted to screw someone else and was actually paying money to set it up (dating sites are not free) is just as damaging as them actually doing it. 

If you don't understand that, you don't really understand what a good marriage is all about.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> I understand that.........I don't think a guy registering on a dating site is having a affair either until he has a affair. I'm not arguing at all just stating a opinion and I hope I don't have to go through a affair or similar either, so thanks for that.


A ONS is not an affair. It is still cheating.

Online sex is unfaithful. Whether there is an affair or not.

Pretty simple really. What's not to get here?

An analogy. A woman picking up man and bringing him back to her hotel room is unfaithful even if there is no sex. If she did have sex it would still not be an affair per se. So what? So registering on a site for singles IMO is cheating. So yes whether you dip your wick or not you can be cheating as you are just browsing.

This is completely different from a guy looking at pictures of people he does not know. If that picture is part of an online profile then there is a problem.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

OhGeesh said:


> I understand that.........I don't think a guy registering on a dating site is having a affair either until he has a affair. I'm not arguing at all just stating a opinion and I hope I don't have to go through a affair or similar either, so thanks for that.


It is perhaps like someone being caught by the police with burglary equipment, but before he got to burgle somewhere.

Even just having the equipment is illegal. In the UK it is called: "Going Equipped."


----------



## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It is not texting, hugging, or what ever. It is the intent and context of those text/interactions. If a man/woman is married then he/she is not "free to date" even on line, through text, IM, and any other electronic avenue to connect with other people.
Looking at porn is not cheating IMO but it is for others. However signing up on a dating sight is a premeditated move to cheat. Sending nude text to the opposite sex is unfaithful. Becoming emotionally engaged and flirting with some one other then your spouse is an unfaithful act. Especially when it becomes something that they pursue every day and want more then interacting with their spouse.
I believe that people think of it differently because of the detached feel to electronic cheating but the same action done face to face would be wrong. If a married person went speed dating it would be wrong (online dating site), if they met up for a quick flirt and jack off session it would be cheating(on line sex). If a person went and took their clothes off in person with another person it would be cheating (sexting).
What is there to get??


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Wow. So according to that law my husband didn't commit adultery?!? It states sexual intercourse. He slept in bed with a naked stranger all night after she had just screwed his buddy and then she gave my husband a BJ while he played with her boobs. So if I went to court in NY I couldn't call that adultery? He gave me HPV, maybe this is why he says it was only a BJ and not sexual intercourse? I wonder what the law is in GA? This makes me wonder if he was given advice on this? Like tell her it was a BJ, never confess to sexual intercourse. :scratchhead:


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

And I wanted to add I'd gladly take a few flirting texts over the images I'm actually dealing with. Yuck. Puts things into perceptive real quick.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Well, I just looked it up. BJs in Georgia aren't considered adultery and I couldn't use that for grounds for divorce. WTH?!? He so totally is telling me it was only a BJ to cover himself. Like I even believe for one moment I got HPV from a BJ. Wow, I can't believe this. What he did to me wouldn't count in court?!? I mean, how can you prove anything? His buddy lied for him for nine years and I don't know the girl's name, although I'm sure I could get it with some work.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Then I go on and read that if the BS has sexual intercourse with the WS after knowledge of the cheating that is considered condoning the affair. WTH?!? Is this for real? How messed up is our culture? I will never condone what he did to our marriage. We are trying to reconcile, but I will never condone what he did. Who condones that?!?


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Wow, I feel really mad now. Sorry guys.


----------



## Zippy the chimp (May 15, 2012)

If you jump in the ocean you are planning on getting wet anyone who would register on a dating site if they are married or sexts someone else is looking to get wet. Give me any good reason why a married person would do anything like that u can't even though they may not have gotten physical yet everyone is smart enough to know that is coming the either haven't found the right partner or the time. To me any kind of sex talk, sexts, naked pice etc is cheating unless you are sending them to your S/O it all depends on the boundries set for the relationship.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Well, I've registered on several dating sites....for investigative purposes only of course. When I first found out about her long distance EA with OM, I figured if she could do that, she might be cheating locally too. So I searched through the profiles in my area for any that could possibly be hers. This was all before I thought to install any monitoring software. Besides, the monitoring software would only catch any new activity, and not if she had registered before I installed it. And my buddy's wife was cheating at the time, so I was looking to see if his wife was on there as well. Haven't been back to those sites since because they make me sick.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

hurtingbadly said:


> Wow. So according to that law my husband didn't commit adultery?!? It states sexual intercourse. He slept in bed with a naked stranger all night after she had just screwed his buddy and then she gave my husband a BJ while he played with her boobs. So if I went to court in NY I couldn't call that adultery? He gave me HPV, maybe this is why he says it was only a BJ and not sexual intercourse? I wonder what the law is in GA? This makes me wonder if he was given advice on this? Like tell her it was a BJ, never confess to sexual intercourse. :scratchhead:


hurtingbadly, just so you know most states do not even have laws against "adultery" and since it's not a crime, they don't define it. Apparently NY does make "adultery" a criminal offense if it hits a certain point--so that definition would just be NY's way of defining what they consider a crime...not necessarily what they think the definition of the word is. 

And with this question, I say the OP is looking at it backward--we usually do. I think the question should be what is FAITHFULNESS? I put it into a quick little phrase in my head: 100% of your affection and loyalty. Thus if you are not giving 100% of your affection and loyalty to your spouse, you're being unfaithful and I don't care if it's via a dating site, porn, or a game. 

Finally I don't think if someone goes to a porn site once that it's "an affair" but what they're doing is flirting with the temptation to give some portion of their affections and loyalty to the porn rather than to their spouse. Likewise for sending a flirty text or even a semi-clothed photo! All by themselves, doing those actions one time may not be "an affair"--but the hundreds of little actions BEFORE sending them probably is, because at that point the person sending the text or pic is give more of their loyalty to the person they are text with or sending the pic to...then they are to their spouse!!


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Well, I just looked it up. BJs in Georgia aren't considered *adultery* and I couldn't use that for grounds for divorce. WTH?!? He so totally is telling me it was only a BJ to cover himself. Like I even believe for one moment I got HPV from a BJ. Wow, I can't believe this. What he did to me wouldn't count in court?!? I mean, how can you prove anything? His buddy lied for him for nine years and I don't know the girl's name, although I'm sure I could get it with some work.


Adultery is a very specific act (copulation) between a married woman and her paramour. It's called adultery because it has the strong potential to *adulterate* the husband's descendants by supplanting his real descendants with [email protected] who could inherit titles and properties. BJ's cannot result in offspring, therefore no possibility of adulteration. Similarly, it is impossible for adultery by the husband (copulation with another man's wife) to adulterate his wife's lineage.

The definition in most states has changed from the above since the rise of the women's movement in the 1830's to something like NY's, but other states still retain the traditional, biblical definition as above, where the woman's marital status defines whether or not the copulation is adultery.

This is why people here use terms like "cheating" and "infidelity:" they can mean whatever you want them to mean. You are completely free to lay out your own boundaries for your own marriage.


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> Then I go on and read that if the BS has sexual intercourse with the WS after knowledge of the cheating that is considered condoning the affair. WTH?!? Is this for real? How messed up is our culture? I will never condone what he did to our marriage. We are trying to reconcile, but I will never condone what he did. Who condones that?!?


These laws are to prevent married men from setting up their wives for divorce back when "cause" was required. This is why in the old days adultery could not be charged if the husband approved the act, either prior to (wittols, for example) or after as evidenced by copulating with the wife after the discovery of the adultery. Under those situations, the man could not get rid of his wife by claiming adultery. Even then, he usually had to convince a jury of men to grant the divorce.


----------

