# hurt and confused



## Bombchelle (Jul 21, 2009)

*Sorry guys, this is a long sob story but I'll try to keep it short*

When my husband and I started dating he had a stash of porn. He was open about it and said he will delete it for me. I believed him. (To this day I haven't found it and still somehow believe him.) Few years down the line, one kid later I innocently discover a load of porn videos on his hard drive. (He downloaded the porn before the baby came.) When I tried to discuss it with him, he got defensive, then aggressive and he said it's private and he refuses to discuss it because it crosses his boundaries. 

We haven't had sex for months which is killing me because I'd love to do it with him. I'm basically being pathetic and throwing myself at him, trying to please him left, right and center for affection and approval. Sadly I don't get it. Our marriage turned into sh*tfest. I see that he is regularly watching his videos and wanking first thing in the morning before work when my son and I are asleep. I'm lonely and very sad. It's the lying that kills me. The secrecy. The refusal to discuss things - he just says it opens raw wounds.

As we all know a story has two sides. From the beginning I constantly corrected him while having sex because I was simply used to my ex's "technique". Just about all the sex we had I was bossy. I see it in hindsight now and deeply regret it. I never tried to be mean, instead just trying to guide/teach him. I definitely want to change my style....I can see how I alienated him and made him feel inadequate. He told me that it later felt like a chore for him. I'm just so sorry he didn't have the guts to approach me with his feelings (we all know how good men are with that!). Add a new baby to the mix where the relationship naturally takes a dip and we're sitting in a right old mess.

I'm in my second marriage now and see no point in divorcing. The next guy/relationship will just be as full of problems as this one, you just can't avoid these things! 

Am I stupid to carry on in hope that one day we'll achieve the closeness we once did before the baby?


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## confuzzled (May 31, 2009)

Bombchelle, I don't have a baby and do the same thing. My last relationship was so pleasing sexually, but for some reason my husband wasn't so eager to learn how to please me. He is a beautiful person and I love him deeply in so many ways - but he only has sex with me in a way that he feels comfortable with, despite that I am not getting pleasure from it anymore. 

I have given him 2 years to get used to what I like and explained it so many times I feel sick from the repetition. Sometimes I feel like I don't know how much longer I can do this. I am starting to get so desperate that I am looking to porn, which I know is so backwards to your story. 

I guess I don't know what to say because I'd be thrilled if my husband was throwing himself at me. He will only be close to me if I beg and only on his terms. 

I don't know if you are holding out hope for something that will never be - maybe I am too. I hope there is something out there for us...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Wait a second! Bombschell, did you sit him down or write a love letter of sorts telling him how sorry you are about what you feel sorry for? He needs to hear that or he will continue to feel the way he feels. He may need to hear it alot, and perhaps the invitation to do it whatever way he wants for a while. The teaching thing only makes a guy feel like he is a dupe in YOUR eyes. You need to focus on letting him know that is not how you feel about him and that you are so sorry that what you were doing to him has hurt him and made him feel that way, and that you want to get over that and figure out a way to be with each other... maybe put porn in and seduce him while you are both watching porn. Ask him what HE wants to do TO you, and let him do it (within safely reasonable boundaries for you, some women cannot use that backdoor even when their man is lusting after it...). Get a little tipsy together and then ask him if he could do anything to you sexually what would it be? Then, go for it... or tell him you may not be comfortable doing that is there a backup thing he would like to do? You need to stroke his ego for a while since he feels it was stripped from the teaching.guiding.

I applaud you on recognizing what your part is... not many do. Maybe it is early enough for positives to come (wink wink) more quickly! Best of luck!


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