# Is Silent Treatment a form of Emotional Abuse?



## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

In my case, I think the main reason my husband gave me the silent treatment was because I LET him get away with it. The slightest of issues could spark weeks of not speaking which meant weeks of despair. 

Thankfully I no longer fear him not speaking to me over some trifling issue, as I have finally wised up and know how to handle such manipulation. I can keep myself content and buoyant, rather than have my happiness largely dependent on the changing moods of anyone else. 

We are still together and I often now wonder why the hell I put up with repeated cycle after cycle of silent treatment for so many years. It’s so liberating not to feel isolated, needy and dreading when it might happen again. 

Previously, I didn’t know that silent treatment is considered a form of emotional abuse but my partner, whilst agreeing in hindsight that it was not the right thing to do, does not agree silent treatment is emotional abuse. 

I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Is silent treatment a form of emotional abuse?

http://ebonny.hubpages.com/_EAone/hub/victim-Silent-Treatment-emotional-abuse-relationshipmarriage


Also, would you say it is men, or women, who are more likely to give their partner the silent treatment?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. It's called Stonewalling, I believe.

It is emotional abuse.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Yes ,
Silent treatment is a form of abuse.
But there different types of silent treatment.

The silent treatment where the aggressor just shuts off for no apparent reason , and leaves the victim bewildered is a type of bullying . 

But if a person knows that something they are doing wrong is causing distress to their partner , and they refuse to stop, if the partner shuts down then IMO it is justifiable.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

It's called stonewalling and it is a form of emotional abuse. Been there done that. Glad I moved on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Depends. For an hour? No. For a week? Probably.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Yes it's abuse.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Thanks for all your responses - so far I think we're all agreed but please keep them coming. 

Runs like Dog - I would call an hour a cooling off period/time out, which is absolutely fine. We all need this at times. It's when it's prolonged indefinately what it can turn into silent treatment emotional abuse.

Now who do you feel is the more likely to use silent treatment, males or females, and who can keep it up the longest.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes it is. My ex did this. Awful stuff.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Wow. When I read your title, I thought you meant maybe he got upset and wouldn't speak to you for an hour or so, but weeks? I can't even imagine that. I would say to that, yes.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

The silent treatment is passive aggressive and a recognized form of emotional abuse. It is designed to keep you walking on eggshells and feeling mad, bad, sad and crazy. The worse it makes you feel, the better the abuser feels about themselves, because it's all about control and power.


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

i wouldnt categorize it as "abuse"... there are a lot worse things one can do, but i guess it depends on the duration... silent treatment doesnt work in our home anymore.. my hubs and i spend lots of time together and i started going out with friends when he ignored me and he got lonely and begged me to come back. he stopped the whole silent treatment thing pretty quickly..


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I dislike overusing the word abuse. It voids its very real and obvious meaning. If you are going to classify silence as abuse you may classify every way of showing displeasure as abuse. 

Having said that i use the silent treatment as a way to calm myself before going into an argument. People who know me well know better than to push me when i'm silent. 

I don't do it for weeks though... A day or two tops.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> I dislike overusing the word abuse. It voids its very real and obvious meaning. If you are going to classify silence as abuse you may classify every way of showing displeasure as abuse.
> 
> Having said that i use the silent treatment as a way to calm myself before going into an argument. People who know me well know better than to push me when i'm silent.
> 
> I don't do it for weeks though... A day or two tops.


A day or two of silence with your spouse is abuse. You are withdrawing and punishing them and controling them. 
Maybe you dont like the term abuse because it's hard to recognize something you have been doing as abusive. However it absolutely is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I grew up in a home where mum would use the silent treatment on all of us when she was mad.
I never got smacked as a child but if i was naughty my mother could totally ignore me for days and days.
When she got mad at dad it could last weeks.

It was a hellish way to grow up. It sure as he!! felt like abuse.

My sister and i vowed to NEVER do this to our families...and we don't.

I can get mad and i'll ask for some 'time-out' but it never lasts more than an hour or two... just long enough to cool off and play nice!

Silent treatment is a real love killer.

I believe the person giving the you the silent treatment is trying to be in the 'power' position and they don't have the verbal skills to do this so they use this... pathetic form of control.

It's a pet hate of mine.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Abuse, no. Jerk move, yes. I also think the term "abuse" is thrown out too easily. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

It's abuse. And it CAN drive your spouse into thinking she or he is crazy. Lead them to take antidepressants if you keep it up enough.

Yup. I did this quite frequently. I was such a pathetic man back then.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

nandosbella said:


> i wouldnt categorize it as "abuse"... there are a lot worse things one can do, but i guess it depends on the duration... silent treatment doesnt work in our home anymore.. my hubs and i spend lots of time together and i started going out with friends when he ignored me and he got lonely and begged me to come back. he stopped the whole silent treatment thing pretty quickly..


The OP said:-


> The slightest of issues could spark weeks of not speaking which meant weeks of despair.


We're not talking here about 'time out' or the necessary space we all need after an argument. The sort of silent treatment the OP is describing is a form of calculated control that holds the other person hostage emotionally and psychologically.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Silent Treatment behavior would be a deal breaker for me, I'd never put up with it. I watched a friend use this on her husband, well they both did it--many yrs ago, I just thought to myself back then... WTF is wrong with [email protected]#$%^&* 

I could never never never live like that, I'd rather have an out & out brawl over that.. at least their is some release , then you can deal with the issues...and have make up sex afterwards. 

They would go days, maybe a week like this, talk a little, roll eyes at each other, then do it again!!! Meanwhile I got to listen to how awful he is on a daily basis. Insanity. She was the type that felt... "well, we shouldn't say anything out of our mouths that might be hurtful, then we'll have to apologize"...but here she was eaten alive with cold hearted resentment (slamming him to others). So that was the exchange I guess. 

NOPE - total abuse! They divorced not long after and even in that... she refused to talk to him about the kids...I had to listen to her whine about this man 100 times justifying why she wouldn't talk to him, she would get mad at me (which I didn't care) cause I let her know she was doing wrong & contributing to their drama.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

So is going dark and doing a 180 abuse? No

Abuse is the improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. 

But if someone does you wrong and continues the behavior when confronted, is it wrong to go semi-dark with silence?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Silent treatments can be just as demeaning as episodes of continuous verbal assaults. In fact, I'd rather be the recipient of the latter because, at least, you would have a better barometer of perhaps what kind of ground that you're standing on.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

This is me said:


> So is going dark and doing a 180 abuse?


NO!

The situation/context is completely different.

Habitual use of silent treatment is cruel controlling behaviour that destroys a marriage/relationship (I was a child effected by it).

A 180 helps a BS move forward after a betrayal.

Not the same thing at all.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

This is me said:


> So is going dark and doing a 180 abuse? No
> 
> Abuse is the improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.
> 
> But if someone does you wrong and continues the behavior when confronted, is it wrong to go semi-dark with silence?


People who repeatedly give the silent treatment do gain benefit by having the upperhand from having their partner unsettled, trying to appease them, confused about what they did wrong, desperate for the silent treatment to end but having no idea when this will be - I could go on and on ... In short they have the benefit and satisfaction of controlling their partner - but most "abusers" would never admit, even to themselves, that this is what they want.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

This is me said:


> Abuse is the improper usage or treatment for a bad purpose, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit.


Exactly. The sort of silent treatment the OP is describing is designed to control her emotionally and psychologically. That is abuse, IMO.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> A day or two of silence with your spouse is abuse. You are withdrawing and punishing them and controling them.
> Maybe you dont like the term abuse because it's hard to recognize something you have been doing as abusive. However it absolutely is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, tough cookie then... Your definition of abuse encompasses almost everything. Mine doesn't. Believe me, she is better off with my silence than the alternative. Either she knows it or not. 

If she wants she can report me to the authorities:

"He wasn't speaking to me"... :rofl:

I don't use it to gain advantage. I use it to calm MYSELF. There is a huge difference, if you can't see it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Advocado (love your name by the way), YES, habitual silent treatments used in a PATTERN are *emotionally abusive. *

It's used as a form of control, a form of manipulation, a way to totally blank your patner and make it seem as if they don't exist. 

Especially when done over a period of time, habitually.

You said WEEKS. That is not healthy/normal/ok. 

My exH was the KING of the silent treatments. In fact, this was the #1 reason why I ended up leaving. The day I moved out, he had not spoken a word to me in over a month and a half. I'd been telling him forever that this was NOT working for me, how could we have a marriage if he would not TALK to me? And he did not care, did not want counselling, jus twanted to keep ignoring me, sometimes w/o any disagreement involved, just cause he was in a bad mood. I dreaded going home from work. DREADED. It made me panicky, anxiety-ridden and well, it made me feel small. 

I am sad to say that he never did change. He did not care that it hurt me, even after I called him out on it and said how it made me feel. 

It's called STONEWALLING your partner. John Gottman, a marriage/relationship expert, says there are 4 things that will lead to an inevitable divorce/break up/unhealthy marriage--one of those thing sis STONEWALLING your partner.

If I ever ever am in relationship again, if someone pulls this sh*t on me, I am out. Completely. I have no time for it. Life is too short to be sharing it with someone who willfully and intentionally ignores you. That is not loving OR caring. 

I fyou want to PM me, feel free. This situation is very near and dear to my heart. I feel for you. People who haven't been in a situation like this cannot understand what it feels like. It makes you feel like you don't matter, it makes you feel small, it makes you feel like you're going out of your mind. I still am dealing with the residual effects from this f-ckery. Even after we've divorced. I cant explain it but it kind of broke something inside me. But.. hear hear I will come out better on the other side. It is completely demeaning and makes one feel invalidated.

THAT IS NOT LOVE. 

It's *mental abuse. *100%.

http://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I dunno. It's a crummy thing to do, and I'm certainly guilty of it from time to time. However, it's usually more of a "I'd rather say nothing than say something that could be hurtful" thing. I think a PATTERN of it constantly punishing every liitle thing would be abuse, yeah.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I emphasized "PATTERN" before I read Jelly's response. 

Somewhat great minds think somewhat alike, I guess.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's the difference... a cooling off period is NOT the same as habitual and intentional/willful silent treatments.

One is meant to calm down. The other is done to purposely hurt your partner.

They are not the same things at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I emphasized "PATTERN" before I read Jelly's response.
> 
> Somewhat *great minds *think somewhat alike, I guess.


:smthumbup:


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> :smthumbup:


There's no point in posting any more- it's back to the "like" button for me!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Double-like!


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## wyatterp (Jul 30, 2012)

This is an interesting topic. When my husband and I have a major disagreement I tend to just want to step back and stop speaking because it seems to make things worse in the heat of the moment. he wants to continue the argument and almost eggs it on. I will even say that's it I'm done for right now. He will always ask if I want him to leave (we have 2 houses and he can run away to it). This ticks me off because can't he just stay with me and not say anything more? Because he can't stop the comments I usually have said ya I want you to leave. Then I don't hear from him. This can go on for days...I have never let it go past 3 days and I have texted him or called him. When I have asked why do I always have to be the "ice breaker" he says that he didn't know what to say.It really gets annoying and I wonder what would happen if I never broke the ice. Any comments welcome.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yup.

The worst kind.

It is like you don't even exist.

At least with verbal abuse, you are spoken to.

Also known as "icing out."


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> ... People who haven't been in a situation like this cannot understand what it feels like. It makes you feel like you don't matter, it makes you feel small, it makes you feel like you're going out of your mind. I still am dealing with the residual effects from this f-ckery. Even after we've divorced. I cant explain it but it kind of broke something inside me. But.. hear hear I will come out better on the other side. It is completely demeaning and makes one feel invalidated. ...


Hi Jellybeans
So glad to know you are no longer in that position. It's interesting what you say about the longer term negative damage. See, that's the thing - there are no visible marks which you can go to the authorities with and complain about (as Costa200 alluded to !!!!!) but the internal scars can go very deep indeed AND they linger on! 

It's good that you know what you want/don't want in future relationships. My other half now knows that I WILL NOT tolerate silent treatment again - took a long time to get to this point but finally I have set my boundaries in stone and he finally understands what they are. He had always said he would never go to counselling but eventually somewhat reluctantly brought the subject up himself when he knew I meant business. The counseller helped him see the damage that was being done. Things didn't change overnight but I can't tell you how relieved I am not to have that feeling of dread you mention. I knew it well.

I now think that part of the reason I let it go on for so long was that I grew up seeing my mother repeatedly give my dad the silent treatment. (She does it with me now as an adult but thankfully didn't do it with me when I was a child) However, growing up, I was aware of her not speaking to Dad, which made for a very uncomfortable atmosphere to say the least, but back then I had no real idea what hell that poor man was going through.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

wyatterp said:


> This is an interesting topic. When my husband and I have a major disagreement I tend to just want to step back and stop speaking because it seems to make things worse in the heat of the moment. he wants to continue the argument and almost eggs it on. I will even say that's it I'm done for right now. He will always ask if I want him to leave (we have 2 houses and he can run away to it). This ticks me off because can't he just stay with me and not say anything more? Because he can't stop the comments I usually have said ya I want you to leave. Then I don't hear from him. This can go on for days...I have never let it go past 3 days and I have texted him or called him. When I have asked why do I always have to be the "ice breaker" he says that he didn't know what to say.It really gets annoying and I wonder what would happen if I never broke the ice. Any comments welcome.



Sounds like there is some tit for tat going on. I have to admit I did that myself and in the long term it didn't help the situation at all. 

I got to a point where I was extremely resentful about almost always having to be the one to initiate breaking the ice, but I kept being the one to do it because I just couldn't bear the isolation any longer. 

In the circumstances you mention, I think it could help if when you tell your husband you need some time out it should be for a specified maximum amount of time. He needs to realise that a time limited cooling off period is a healthy thing and not to escalate things by disappearing for days on end. FWIT, I would advise against saying yes to him leaving to go to the other house, but if he must go, he needs to come back, without you calling him, when the aforementioned maximum time limit is reached. And if I were you, BEFORE he left, I would let him know that I would not be calling him to come back when the time limit is reached. 

When/if he doesn't come home at the end of the specified time, you have to be strong and not give in and call him, so plan ahead how you will keep yourself busy and content (sounds odd, but you can actually learn to enjoy the space he is giving you) and let him go ahead and test your resolve. I will stick my neck out and say that yes he will test you by not coming home on time! So this is the difficult part but I would stick with it if you really want to start making changes. 

The link below includes practical ideas about getting over the awkwardness once the cooling off period is over. (for this bit, search for the word "awkward" once you connect to the link.)

When and how to Discuss/Confront. How to cope with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships– Part 4:

.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmmmm.

i did this with my wife years ago while we were living together but not married yet. Barely said a word to her in almost three months.
But we still had sex, because i was horny and she was striving for any connection whatseva to bring me back to being involved.


There was something going on behind the scenes though.

i had been contemplating leaving her and weighing it, planning.
i wasnt happy with the relationship at the time, and had doubts in her.

so while she was getting the silent treatment i was seeing what the property would be worth and how to sell it. Actually had a realtor look at it when she wasnt home and was talking about a for sale date.
I looked at buying more property accross country, thinking of moving back to nevada.

i saw a lawyer over child custody issues that might come up.

i also started shopping for another girlfriend.
switched my bank accounts. stopped paying her bills for a while ( had been covering her bills as well as mine).
Basically, i was planning, and weighing leaving her.
And i didnt want her to know before hand. if i left i wanted it all to move so fast her head would spin and i would be gone and already in process.

the not talking is because

a. its hard to look at them, when you are planning behind their back.

and 

b. it is detachment. you are slowly detaching from the person. purposely.

didnt work in my case. she fought to keep me and i loved her to much to forget her. But i did lay it all out and start it. i think she was pretty shocked it moved so quick. she didnt know what the hell was going on.

is it emotional abuse? Everything is abuse now a days. personally i really didnt care at the time if it was emotional abuse or not. what was she going to do, leave me? would have saved me the debate on it in my head. i was considering and planning leaving her.
why would i care.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

southbound said:


> Wow. When I read your title, I thought you meant maybe he got upset and wouldn't speak to you for an hour or so, but weeks? I can't even imagine that. I would say to that, yes.


I thought the same thing. Weeks at a time is insane. 

I would think more women than men would participate in such actions, but not totally sure. Just because I know a number of previous acquaintances that used to give the silent treatment to people.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> Jellybean said: My exH was the KING of the silent treatments. In fact, this was the #1 reason why I ended up leaving. The day I moved out, he had not spoken a word to me in over a month and a half. I'd been telling him forever that this was NOT working for me, how could we have a marriage if he would not TALK to me? And he did not care, did not want counselling, jus twanted to keep ignoring me, sometimes w/o any disagreement involved, just cause he was in a bad mood. I dreaded going home from work. DREADED. It made me panicky, anxiety-ridden and well, it made me feel small.


Yes, it was the final straw in my last relationship, too, and I never did find out what I'd done to offend him. It was the week between Christmas and New Year 2008, and I was ill. So ill that I'd ended up in emergency with respiratory problems. He ignored me all the way to the hospital, in the hospital and all the way home. He'd made snide comments about me to his dog, but he otherwise completely ignored my existence. As soon as the meds kicked in and my breathing was stable enough to do so, I silently packed my bags and went to a women's refuge. He'd been abusive for some time, but the other stuff (including blows to the head and attempts to sabotage my employment) paled into comparison, for me, next to the emotional abuse of ignoring my very existence.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

wyatterp said:


> This is an interesting topic. When my husband and I have a major disagreement I tend to just want to step back and stop speaking because it seems to make things worse in the heat of the moment. he wants to continue the argument and almost eggs it on. I will even say that's it I'm done for right now. He will always ask if I want him to leave (we have 2 houses and he can run away to it). This ticks me off because can't he just stay with me and not say anything more? Because he can't stop the comments I usually have said ya I want you to leave. Then I don't hear from him. This can go on for days...I have never let it go past 3 days and I have texted him or called him. When I have asked why do I always have to be the "ice breaker" he says that he didn't know what to say.It really gets annoying and I wonder what would happen if I never broke the ice. Any comments welcome.


That's the other side of the coin... By the definition of some that's "abuse" too. Trying to get you to speak while you don't want too... Horrible and violent...


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, it was the final straw in my last relationship, too, and I never did find out what I'd done to offend him. It was the week between Christmas and New Year 2008, and I was ill. So ill that I'd ended up in emergency with respiratory problems. He ignored me all the way to the hospital, in the hospital and all the way home. He'd made snide comments about me to his dog, but he otherwise completely ignored my existence. As soon as the meds kicked in and my breathing was stable enough to do so, I silently packed my bags and went to a women's refuge. He'd been abusive for some time, but the other stuff (including blows to the head and attempts to sabotage my employment) paled into comparison, for me, next to the emotional abuse of ignoring my very existence.


Whoa,  - Thanks for sharing and so glad you moved on. Can't have been easy in those circumstances.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

bribrius - I'm appalled and almost speechless at reading this as even now you don't seem to have any regrets about the way you behaved and the effect it had on your wife (and yet you say you loved her so much you could not leave/forget her).

All I can say is how debasing (understatement) it must be for a person to feel they must have sex with someone who refuses to communicate with you for 3 whole months!


Despite what I have said above, it can still be insightful to hear alternative viewpoints.

I truly do hope your wife is no longer having to endure such abuse. 








bribrius said:


> hmmmm.
> 
> i did this with my wife years ago while we were living together but not married yet. Barely said a word to her in almost three months.
> But we still had sex, because i was horny and she was striving for any connection whatseva to bring me back to being involved.
> ...


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Advocado (love your name by the way), YES, habitual silent treatments used in a PATTERN are *emotionally abusive. *
> 
> It's used as a form of control, a form of manipulation, a way to totally blank your patner and make it seem as if they don't exist.
> 
> ...


:iagree: 100%!!

My wife gives me the silent treatment. I used to be very "affected" by it. I was feeling so bad and guilty for nothing.This went on until one day after one fight and the usual "silent treatment" given to me I had a long phone call with a friend of mine. He patiently cheered me up and told me that I didn't need to feel guilty at all. To get some perspective.Then my eyes opened.

It still hurts me when she does it but not as much as before. I just don't understand why she does it. It can happen by a simple disagreement over a not important matter or anything else.It normally lasts 1-2 days and not more but was pretty frequent until I told her plainly that it was affecting me and making me resentful and more distant.

I see now she's trying to make an effort but I guess it's hard after a lifetime as silent treatment "giver".

It puzzles me every time after 1 day or whatever of not talking and her avoiding purposely to even look in my direction, the sudden change. She comes to me in such a loving way like nothing happened and those akward and silent moments never existed.:scratchhead:



I love this forum. I learned so much about relationships here. Thanks TAM!:smthumbup:


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> It puzzles me every time after 1 day or whatever of not talking and her avoiding purposely to even look in my direction, the sudden change. She comes to me in such a loving way like nothing happened and those akward and silent moments never existed.


She doesn't discuss the why of it? It just happens and then it's over? That's kinda weird.:scratchhead:


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

I would get this all the time if i brought up an issue in our relationship with my estranged husband, i learn't to not discuss anything that mattered to me, i could not show my true emotions without being punished.

So yes it is abuse.

True loving adults should be able to discuss anything reasonably, you might not agree but both should be able to show grievances with out holding the other to ransom.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

I think it really depends. 
My partner often "goes quiet" and won't discuss when he is angry, but I've found that this is because he handles being upset or angry differently than I do: he really needs time and space to figure out his feelings, and when I try to get him to discuss them immediately, he shuts down. I have calmly told him what his behavior looks like and how I feel when this happens, but I have really had to learn how not to blame---I think people often "go silent" because they feel blamed or attacked. 

It sounds like your case is more extreme, but it also sounds like you guys have a pretty common, and unhealthy pattern going on. I'm not sure I have specific advice about how to break it, but I do want to bring in some possible point of sympathy for the other person who might simply not know how to deal with negative emotions.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

If his actions hurt you emotionally, it is emotional abuse. It is also him acting like a big baby. Some feel the silent treatment is like a punishment and I think it shows the lack of intelligence of the person pouting. That is what he is doing. He is pouting and trying to control your actions like a two year old.

It's wonderful you recognize what he is doing and why he is doing it. The more you know, the more you can take care of your own emotional needs. God, the tension in a house where one person is giving the silent treatment is like a thick fog. You can see the tension. What's next? Him having a tantrum on the floor of a store because you won't buy him a lollipop? 

What he is doing is chipping away at your love and respect. You want a MAN, not a little kid. But I am not telling you something you already know. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? 

Everyone says COUNSELING COUNSELING COUNSELING. Bullcrap. I was emotionally abused by my father and I would rather him be yelling in my face than ignoring me and pretending I am not there. 

I'm telling you, he keeps this up, and you are going to leave. You sound like you are not fooled and you know why he does what he does. Most spouses take it personally, do anything they can to get the big baby to drop the silent treatment. That just gives the big baby more power. 

Next time he goes into silent mode, go buy a pacifier and shove it in his mouth. He will be all "what the hell are you doing?" and your response will be "you want to act like a baby, I will treat you like one."

You could also pull the same crap on him, pretend he doesn't exist for a week and see how he likes it. But you do not want to stoop to his level. You need to stay strong, stay educated on the matter, see if there are any patterns to his behavior and figure out if you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Only you can make that decision.

He is making a HUGE mistake by treating you like this. When and if you leave, he will probably be confused and wonder why you left. Good luck and again, I am so glad you see this for what it is. A strong woman like you will make the right decision. We only live once and you deserve happiness.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Huh.
I am guilty of the silent treatment, according to the article you linked in your original post.

I will avoid eye contact, keep conversations to a minumum, make my own plans, and not even bring up small talk.
"How was your day" is answered with a simple "good". End of convo.

This was necessary to detach emotionally. IMO, a person who isn't emotionally attached to a high degree will do this. 

And it's VERY easy to do, if your partner has NO boundaries to speak of. It's almost natural.

What are they going to do? Well, nothing. There are no consequences for the behavior.

I say this as the person who does the silent treatment, in my own way, to a partner that won't say boo about it. 

Good thing I am also currently acutely wary of my own behavior, and trying every single minute of the day to monitor myself and be a kind person. Otherwise, I'm not sure there even is a limit to how badly I could treat him. And nothing would happen. 

The weird thing is --- if he ever calls me stupid, it's freakin go time. 
He called me a b!tch recently. He didn't even finish the sentence before I was all over his face, don't ever speak to me that way. 

You don't know how many times I caught myself wondering just where his balls went to. All I ever wanted, really, was for him to stand up and not let people walk all over him. Grow some courage.

Enforcing your boundaries might seem scary to you. But to someone who lives without them (he has none) it would be very very enlightening to see him call me out. 

How does your husband react now that you have stopped allowing him to give you the silent treatment??


And yes, I think it's a terrible thing to do to someone for weeks at a time. But I'm not sure it's abuse. Because I consider abuse a power trip. Like someone who is physically stronger than you pushing you around, you can't do much about that. Except get out of the way. Abuse to me is picking on someone who cannot defend themselves.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I would just as soon not hear what wifey has to say. Silence is golden, well sometimes it is. Go fume until your head explodes, dear. I'll clean it up.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I would just as soon not hear what wifey has to say. Silence is golden, well sometimes it is. Go fume until your head explodes, dear. I'll clean it up.


Ah runs like dog, a typical response from you. I swear its your dog that types these responses. :rofl:

Being aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it is a good thing. So is the silent treatment used as a punishment or as a way to get your wife to stop yapping about stuff you don't care about?

Boy, being married is fun isn't it kids?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Yes, and thanks for the reminder. I was dating someone and thankfully not that long (a few weeks) and realized that he controls the communication, to his advantage. Game, over. lol.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> Ah runs like dog, a typical response from you. I swear its your dog that types these responses. :rofl:
> 
> Being aware of what you are doing and why you are doing it is a good thing. So is the silent treatment used as a punishment or as a way to get your wife to stop yapping about stuff you don't care about?
> 
> Boy, being married is fun isn't it kids?


You have to know which battles are worth engaging. Sometimes not being silent encourages something that is not going to get resolved or moved forward. As I suggested, when you mate is fuming and stewing it's best to let them tire themselves out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> You have to know which battles are worth engaging. Sometimes not being silent encourages something that is not going to get resolved or moved forward. As I suggested, when you mate is fuming and stewing it's best to let them tire themselves out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I couldn't agree more. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for some people to tire out, but fighting just to fight is stressful and gets the couple nowhere except resentment land.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

lettre said:


> ... I do want to bring in some possible point of sympathy for the other person who might simply not know how to deal with negative emotions.


Thanks for raising this important point - I would agree that some who give the silent treatment may not know how to deal with their own anger and so keep quite. They may feel that if they are cornered into having to speak out about what is actually bothering them, they might lose their temper and say things they'll regret later or even lash out physically. 

That said, once they are aware/told of the negative effects their silent treatment has on their partner, they need to actively work towards changing things. A time limited cooling off period is the way forward I think.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

deejov said:


> ...
> The weird thing is --- if he ever calls me stupid, it's freakin go time.
> He called me a b!tch recently. He didn't even finish the sentence before I was all over his face, don't ever speak to me that way.
> 
> ...



Even if the person giving the silent treatment is genuinely unaware of the impact of it (or doesn't care what the impact is), it is still emotional abuse. Probably not the best example, but if I pointed what I thought was a toy gun at a person, pulled the trigger and shot them through the head, the fact that I was not aware it was a real gun would not make the person any less dead!

How does your husband react to your giving him the silent treatment? If you can see that he is negatively affected I would say he is unintentionally encouraging you to continue doing it! 

It sounds like, in this respect, you are uncomfortable with the way you act towards your husband and want him to help you to stop and help himself at the same time. If yes, how would you feel about maybe anonimously sending him the link immediately below where he can get ideas on how to effectively discourage you from giving him the silent treatment!

How to cope with Silent Treatment Emotional Abuse in Relationships. Part 1:

My husband has had to come to terms with knowing that trying to give me the silent treatment is not going to result in me being upset, needy etc and/or him being able to control or manipulate me. I've decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him for past silent treatment, as long as it stops! We still have petty disagreements from time to time but they don't escalate - I've made it very clear that I can now take responsibility for my own state of mind and do not depend on his approval to be happy and content.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Advocado said:


> Thanks for raising this important point - I would agree that some who give the silent treatment may not know how to deal with their own anger and so keep quite. They may feel that if they are cornered into having to speak out about what is actually bothering them, they might lose their temper and say things they'll regret later or even lash out physically.
> 
> That said, once they are aware/told of the negative effects their silent treatment has on their partner, they need to actively work towards changing things. A time limited cooling off period is the way forward I think.


Yes, I think we have to be clear on what the silent treatment actually is. "A timed cooling off period" is entirely different to weeks of 'no speaks' where the one party actually ignores even the most civil of questions etc. For example:-

A What time will you be home for dinner this evening?

B I think someone just spoke (with a bewildered expression)

A Yes, it was me. can you tell me what time you will be home this evening?

B. (Silence)

Over a prolonged period, the above is crazy-making, disrespectful and extremely cruel behaviour.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

endlessgrief said:


> I couldn't agree more. Sometimes it takes a bit longer for some people to tire out, but fighting just to fight is stressful and gets the couple nowhere except resentment land.


For example my wife and son just got into nuclear death match resulting in him storming out of the house. Sadly I think what angers my wife the most is that she couldn't get the last word in. That's no way to carry on and I'd prefer if he DID walk out of the house cool off and come back later. I'm about 80% certain that's what will happen and they will come to terms over what they were screaming about.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> For example my wife and son just got into nuclear death match resulting in him storming out of the house. Sadly I think what angers my wife the most is that she couldn't get the last word in. That's no way to carry on and I'd prefer if he DID walk out of the house cool off and come back later. I'm about 80% certain that's what will happen and they will come to terms over what they were screaming about.


I don't call your son's behaviour silent treatment; IMO it's a healthy response to a no win, explosive altercation between adults. Walking away in such circumstances can be necessary to stop a situation escalating further.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Yes, it was the final straw in my last relationship, too, and I never did find out what I'd done to offend him. It was the week between Christmas and New Year 2008, and I was ill. So ill that I'd ended up in emergency with respiratory problems. He ignored me all the way to the hospital, in the hospital and all the way home. He'd made snide comments about me to his dog, but he otherwise completely ignored my existence. As soon as the meds kicked in and my breathing was stable enough to do so, I silently packed my bags and went to a women's refuge. He'd been abusive for some time, but the other stuff (including blows to the head and attempts to sabotage my employment) *paled into comparison, for me, next to the emotional abuse of ignoring my very existence*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Exactly. Someone treating as if you don't exist is some truly messed up thinking. It's AWFUL.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

costa200 said:


> She doesn't discuss the why of it? It just happens and then it's over? That's kinda weird.:scratchhead:


No, she doesn't want to talk about it most times. 
I think it has to do with not being able to take responsibilities/credit for things she has done and the consequences of feeling bad/guilty.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Mishy said:


> No, she doesn't want to talk about it most times.
> I think it has to do with not being able to take responsibilities/credit for things she has done and the consequences of feeling bad/guilty.


Then again, you'll probably never really know, will you?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have always had a fierce temper and a sarcastic mouth. I learned to withdraw and walk away until I can speak rationally and without blame. It can sometimes take me almost a week to reach that point, and I absolutely cannot discuss things calmly until I get there.

So I go silent on the topic. If I'm feeling mistreated, I might go silent on other topics, too, and say very little. However, I ALWAYS make it a point to say that I'm having a rough time getting my thought processes where I want them to be so that I can speak my piece without blame, and that I appreciate and love their willingness to give me that space, and I remind them that I love them, too. This seems to work very well for my relationships with the people who are close in my life.

I find that withdrawal can be protective, but I strongly believe that withdrawing love from someone is abusive.


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Then again, you'll probably never really know, will you?


Well, I tried. But if she doesn't want to tell me why bother? If I know that I didn't do anything wrong then it's her problem. Knowing why is something she should work on, not me IMHO.
Most of the times she would apologize briefly but if I try to ask her why she gave me the silent treatment she would say that she does not want to talk about it. If I push it she would be mad again.

Anyway, if I need time to cool off I normally go somewhere alone for a beer or a coffee or a bike ride but I always tell her what I am doing and that I am available on the phone. Sometimes I may need a couple of hours, normally not more than that.

I just don't understand this "silent treatment" thing. It destroys the relationship between people.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Mishy said:


> Anyway, if I need time to cool off I normally go somewhere alone for a beer or a coffee or a bike ride but I always tell her what I am doing and that I am available on the phone. Sometimes I may need a couple of hours, normally not more than that.


That's the difference between time out and the silent treatment. One is a constructive way of stopping a bad situation from escalating, and the other is designed to punish.



> Most of the times she would apologize briefly but if I try to ask her why she gave me the silent treatment she would say that she does not want to talk about it. If I push it she would be mad again.


A simple "I'm sorry, but I was mad and didn't want to make things worse," would have been more helpful. Refusing to let the other person know why they've been totally ignored is simply further punishment, IMO.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

I find this interesting.

women used to do this ALL the time to men and that was ok. But when men do it - its "abuse". sorry, stick to one story and one rule for all 

its funny how everything is abuse when its men. what about women? They are worse at the "abuse" than men.

if a girl does something wrong to a man, she should know and understand its wrong. plain and simple. However these days women think its ok to mess around or do the bad to the guy and they get away with it

sorry, I dont think its emotional abuse.

what about when women mess with men's feelings? THAT IS emotional abuse yet us men have to "suck it up"....


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Mishy said:


> Well, I tried. But if she doesn't want to tell me why bother? If I know that I didn't do anything wrong then it's her problem. Knowing why is something she should work on, not me IMHO.
> Most of the times she would apologize briefly but if I try to ask her why she gave me the silent treatment she would say that she does not want to talk about it. If I push it she would be mad again.
> 
> Anyway, if I need time to cool off I normally go somewhere alone for a beer or a coffee or a bike ride but I always tell her what I am doing and that I am available on the phone. Sometimes I may need a couple of hours, normally not more than that.
> ...


That situation without explanation would drive me insane...



> what about when women mess with men's feelings? THAT IS emotional abuse yet us men have to "suck it up"....


You do have the alternative of breaking down and crying...


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

so should women 

fair is fair. equality and all that


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

lostandfound2012 said:


> I find this interesting.
> 
> women used to do this ALL the time to men and that was ok. But when men do it - its "abuse". sorry, stick to one story and one rule for all
> 
> ...


Wrong. Man or woman, the sort of behaviour under discussion _is_ abusive.

We're not talking about a partner or spouse taking time out here, we're talking about WEEKS of refusing to speak to or even acknowledge the presence of someone who lives under the same roof and shares the same bed.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Yes, and thanks for the reminder. I was dating someone and thankfully not that long (a few weeks) and realized that he controls the communication, to his advantage. Game, over. lol.


It's always nice when the game is called out but the relationship survives to see another day (week...month...)


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

KathyBatesel said:


> I have always had a fierce temper and a sarcastic mouth. I learned to withdraw and walk away until I can speak rationally and without blame. It can sometimes take me almost a week to reach that point, and I absolutely cannot discuss things calmly until I get there.
> 
> So I go silent on the topic. If I'm feeling mistreated, I might go silent on other topics, too, and say very little. However, I ALWAYS make it a point to say that I'm having a rough time getting my thought processes where I want them to be so that I can speak my piece without blame, and that I appreciate and love their willingness to give me that space, and I remind them that I love them, too. This seems to work very well for my relationships with the people who are close in my life.
> 
> I find that withdrawal can be protective, but I strongly believe that withdrawing love from someone is abusive.



Many who give the silent treatment will not even acknowledge that there is anything wrong so thanks Kathy as I think those that give the silent treatment but want to start to stop could learn alot from you. 

It's great that you always take the time to explain why you are keeping quiet and that you need and appreciate being given that space. I am assuming that you tell them that you will need a week to calm down at the start. As such, I would call this a cooling off period rather than silent treatment. 

Personally, I would find a whole week to cool down to be too long. However, I just love that you tell them you love them and I'm sure that this goes a long way to helping them get through this period without feeling unworthy or tortured.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

deejov said:


> ...
> 
> How does your husband react now that you have stopped allowing him to give you the silent treatment??
> ...


I've given some more thought to how he feels about the changes in me - please see a new thread I started on here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-changed-better-how-did-you-respond-feel.html


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lostandfound2012 said:


> I find this interesting.
> 
> women used to do this ALL the time to men and that was ok. But when men do it - its "abuse". sorry, stick to one story and one rule for all
> 
> ...


Say what??? 

Way to stereotype. Way to loop everything/everyone together. 

This thread wasn't made to be gender-specific. The topic is about silent treatment in general. 

Anyone, male or female, who habitually stonewalls their patner in order to control the relationship dynamic/as a form of punishment is an emotional abuser. 

Not sure where you are getting the idea that this is a man vs. woman thread.


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## lostandfound2012 (Apr 23, 2012)

I wasnt but speaking in general, overall in a high level view 
and also bringing in equality


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> That's the difference between time out and the silent treatment. One is a constructive way of stopping a bad situation from escalating, and the other is designed to punish.
> 
> 
> 
> A simple "I'm sorry, but I was mad and didn't want to make things worse," would have been more helpful. Refusing to let the other person know why they've been totally ignored is simply further punishment, IMO.


:iagree:

Recently she started to apologize that way because I started to question her behaviour. I would say somthing like:"so now you're going to punish me by not talking to me? Can't we just find another way to deal with this?"


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## Mishy (Mar 28, 2012)

costa200 said:


> That situation without explanation would drive me insane...


It use to drive me insane, but what alternatives do I have? If I let myself being involved I would live like a miserable human being. I have the choice to not let myself be affected and be happy so I try to go that way. Not always easy but I know I can choose.


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