# He dreams of being a tranny...



## newlynotsure (Oct 19, 2011)

I'm newly wed and my husband dropped a bomb on me during our honeymoon. He's not sure of his sexuality. REALLY????? You chose NOW to tell me? He says he likes women however he also likes to dress up as one and feel desired by men. I have no idea what to do with this. Frankly I'm completely disgusted and want to run now. Has anyone been through anything like this? Suggestions? I'm scared to death that we won't make it, and at the same time completely repulsed by his behavior.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

newlynotsure said:


> I'm newly wed and my husband dropped a bomb on me during our honeymoon. He's not sure of his sexuality. REALLY????? You chose NOW to tell me? He says he likes women however he also likes to dress up as one and feel desired by men. I have no idea what to do with this. Frankly I'm completely disgusted and want to run now. Has anyone been through anything like this? Suggestions? I'm scared to death that we won't make it, and at the same time completely repulsed by his behavior.


My suggestion would be to listen to your initial reaction and run..now.

Get it annulled and get out.

The sexuality problems aside, anyone who would wait until their honeymoon to drop this bomb isn`t someone you want to build a life with.

Get out.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> My suggestion would be to listen to your initial reaction and run..now.
> 
> Get it annulled and get out.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
Some gay men marry, in order to cover up their sexuality.
I am so sorry this happened to you.


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## newlynotsure (Oct 19, 2011)

Wow, that was a fast reaction and I think my heart just dropped onto the floor. I am so embarrassed and I feel really cheated. Is the consensus that he's gay then? Because that's what I'm feeling...


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You were cheated, and lied to by his silence on the issue.

Ask for a refund. Make yourself happy, get out. Let him be a happy fantasy tranny with someone else. It's the best for both of you.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

newlynotsure said:


> I'm newly wed and my husband dropped a bomb on me during our honeymoon. *He's not sure of his sexuality.* REALLY????? You chose NOW to tell me? He says he likes women however he also likes to dress up as one and *feel desired by men. * I have no idea what to do with this. Frankly I'm completely disgusted and want to run now. Has anyone been through anything like this? Suggestions? I'm scared to death that we won't make it, and at the same time completely repulsed by his behavior.


Not sure of his sexuality and wants to feel desired by men? Sounds very gay to me, which he should have been honest about before your marriage.

I don't know any straight men, that want other men to find them sexy.


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

newlynotsure said:


> Wow, that was a fast reaction and I think my heart just dropped onto the floor. I am so embarrassed and I feel really cheated. Is the consensus that he's gay then? Because that's what I'm feeling...


Not necessarily gay, but obviously not straight. What is his explanation for not previously mentioning this? That's a pretty serious communication failure that bodes ill for your relationship far more than his tranny issue.

Do you have a sense of how important this aspect of his sexuality is to him? Is he expecting to make it a part of your life in any way? 

It's possible this is just an unusual fantasy that he is embarrassed by and felt comfortable enough to share with you. I was with a girl who admitted after several years together that she was turned on by watersports. She was interested in trying things sometime but wasn't insistent about it in anyway. My current partner has a major thing for DP's, we indulge her fantasy occasionally using toys but she has no interest in actually making it a reality beyond that. I thought it was pretty freaky when she first told me but I've come to accept it and now even find elements of the idea sexy. She gets turned on by things that don't make sense to me, that's all it is. I think learning to accept your partners weirdness is part of being in love, as long as they don't insist on things you can't handle you should try to push your boundaries to encompass as much of their sexuality as you can.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I do see where you`re going ren and somewhat agree.

If my wife were to tell me today she was was into play-acting as a man I`d probably make some attempt to understand and maybe even eventually help her live out this fantasy to an extent...MAYBE.
Hell I`ve got a serious investment in this marriage at this point, I`m going to do just about anything I can to make it work for us

But if she dropped it on me during our honeymoon without any warning I`m pretty sure I would have taken the advice I`ve given to newlynotsure.

Not to mention that this information was available a week BEFORE he had her in a legally binding commitment.
This timing is not a coincidence.


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## newlynotsure (Oct 19, 2011)

Ren, (sorry I'm new and don't know how to reply directly)... He has stated to his therapist and myself that I'm the only person he's been this honest with. And that's in regards to his past, the tranny "issue", his fears, doubts and constant anxiety. I'm not sure how important the dress up thing it is to him, and has not asked me to do anything. He says he hasn't dressed up like a woman since before we got together. But, I look through recent computer stuff and it seems he's struggling with it. He thought our communication was bad just before we got married and confided in everyone but me. Now that he's talking directly to me he says our communication has never been better. 

I'm the strong one in our relationship. Not that he's weak, but he's extremely emotional and I'm extremely logical. I'm just not sure what else he is hiding. He loves his privacy and is insanely protective of it, which to me is a red flag. 

And you're right, it may be a weird fantasy. Truthfully, if that is all it is I can live with it. I'm just really concerned about the newness of our marriage and having all of this dumped on me.


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## newlynotsure (Oct 19, 2011)

Tacoma, I agree with your concern. I've never been someone who gives up on love though. I completely understand where you're coming from, and have CERTAINLY had the same thought. However, that's where the embarassesment comes in. Imagine telling everyone, "whoops sorry, I married a man who has a thing for dudes." No matter where you are in your marriage timeline, that would NEVER be an easy thing to say/do. Call it ego and call it stupid but that scares the crap out of me.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

newlynotsure said:


> Ren, (sorry I'm new and don't know how to reply directly)... He has stated to his therapist and myself that I'm the only person he's been this honest with. And that's in regards to his past, the tranny "issue", his fears, doubts and constant anxiety. I'm not sure how important the dress up thing it is to him, and has not asked me to do anything. He says he hasn't dressed up like a woman since before we got together. But, I look through recent computer stuff and it seems he's struggling with it. He thought our communication was bad just before we got married and confided in everyone but me. Now that he's talking directly to me he says our communication has never been better.
> 
> I'm the strong one in our relationship. Not that he's weak, but he's extremely emotional and I'm extremely logical. I'm just not sure what else he is hiding. He loves his privacy and is insanely protective of it, which to me is a red flag.
> 
> And you're right, it may be a weird fantasy. Truthfully, if that is all it is I can live with it. I'm just really concerned about the newness of our marriage and having all of this dumped on me.


First off, he doesn't want to be a "tranny" unless he is looking for a sex change. What he is wanting to do is cross dressing. There is a big difference there. One is literally changing sexually via surgery and hormones in to a woman, while the other is a fetish. Since it doesn't sound like he wants an operation, he is wanting to act out a fetish. Does this make him gay? No. What would make him gay is if he wants to have sex with men. Have you asked him that question?
The bottom line is, do you want to be with your husband if he has this fetish? Plenty of couples have odd fetishes but it is usually not sprung on each other after marriage. It is known in advance so that the partner knows what he or she is getting involved with. It concerns me that he essentially kept you in the dark until after the fact and then does an "honesty dump" on you. That isn't a solid foundation for a marriage. 
Lots to think about and I am sorry you are in this position.


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## newlynotsure (Oct 19, 2011)

My apologies, you are correct. It is cross dressing. I didn't think he wanted to have sex w/ men, but I just found something on the computer that leads me to believe otherwise. And I've been really scared to ask him if he does want to have sex with men because I don't know if I can handle anymore info. He decided to be honest with me regarding a lot of stuff from his past, work situation, feelings etc. and I've been focussing on all of those instead of this issue because I feel like I can better understand the past family/former relationship traumas. I've basically been avoiding the cross dressing issue because I'm scared it will be the final nail in the coffin. I appreciate all of your advice and thoughts. Its still really scary. I come from a solid family and divorce/marriage issues are not something I've had to deal with in my immediate family ever. I just never thought I'd have to be in this type of situation or that THIS would be my life.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

newlynotsure said:


> My apologies, you are correct. It is cross dressing. I didn't think he wanted to have sex w/ men, but I just found something on the computer that leads me to believe otherwise. And I've been really scared to ask him if he does want to have sex with men because I don't know if I can handle anymore info. He decided to be honest with me regarding a lot of stuff from his past, work situation, feelings etc. and I've been focussing on all of those instead of this issue because I feel like I can better understand the past family/former relationship traumas. I've basically been avoiding the cross dressing issue because I'm scared it will be the final nail in the coffin. I appreciate all of your advice and thoughts. Its still really scary. I come from a solid family and divorce/marriage issues are not something I've had to deal with in my immediate family ever. I just never thought I'd have to be in this type of situation or that THIS would be my life.


What information did you find? 
You NEED to talk with him about this to get it clear in your head. I know this might be the nail in the coffin but ask yourself this: Is this what you want for your life and marriage? Not knowing or rather fully trusting what else there might be?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> My suggestion would be to listen to your initial reaction and run..now.
> 
> Get it annulled and get out.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Yea, that's no drama I'd ever want to deal with, especially as a newly wed. Sorry...this really has to hurt


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

newlynotsure said:


> Wow, that was a fast reaction and I think my heart just dropped onto the floor. I am so embarrassed and I feel really cheated. Is the consensus that he's gay then? Because that's what I'm feeling...


Don't be embarrassed!! ***hug*** Really...don't be embarrassed. He is gay (most likely) and there's no shame in that. The shame falls on him keeping this HUGE ISSUE silent and then busting out with it on your honeymoon.


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## Zax (Oct 20, 2011)

It sounds like something you should have discovered before you decided to marry him. You can usually tell if someone is gay, but he must have hid it well. 

If he simply just likes to dress as a girl and nothing more, you might try and work it out if you love him. Since you have no kids, it would be easy to get an annulment. If you were married in the Catholic Church, that definitely would be grounds for an annulment.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I agree with everything Enchantment has said!!


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I've dated a cross dresser before, he never indicated he wanted to be desired by other men, such as your H. I tried like heck to understand where he was coming from, but personally I could not get into it (I tried for over 3 months). However, he was also obsessive about it around me.

As others have pointed out, I think your biggest problem is his lack of honesty before hand.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I know of a similar scenario. They divorced. My male friend was dressing-up whenever his wife was out. The urge to express this side of himself that was hidden from the rest of the world, needed an outlet, so he dressed at home alone. There can be a lot of shame, guilt and embarrassment attached. If something is hard to even admit to yourself, it's going to be that much harder to admit to someone else. He had a curiosity about other men even though he was extremely attracted to his wife (and other women). He's now actively bi-sexual.

I'm sorry you are going through this. And yes, it was dishonest of him in a big way. At least you know now than years down the track. It probably took a lot for him to confide this in you. Now you have to decide whether you can handle everything that goes along with this side of his persona or not. Also if someone has felt the need to hide this type of preference, and most likely from an early age, he's probably very skilled at it - there's no way you would have known. I hope this thought doesn't take a seat in your mind. You couldn't have known.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

newlynotsure said:


> Wow, that was a fast reaction and I think my heart just dropped onto the floor. I am so embarrassed and I feel really cheated. Is the consensus that he's gay then? Because that's what I'm feeling...


Only he can answer this for you. It could be however, that he's attracted to men when he's dressed as a female.


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## shawna (Oct 21, 2011)

He may not be gay. There are TONS of men who like to crossdress but are 100% straight. Although a bit out there, there is a huge fantasy following with it if you look it up online. Although his desire to be attractive to men does blur the line a little bit. Talk to him if you want to work it out. He REALLY should not have waited to tell you this though. Goodluck


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## JustDuck (Nov 16, 2011)

A little late to the party - but felt strongly compelled to put in my 2cents.

When I married my husband he was a total hetero guy. We had a decent sex life. Fast forward 9.75 years and we have no sex life, my H wants to dress as a woman often and be dominated by me (which turns me off 110%) and often looks at/masturbates to tranny/shemale porn.

He revealed all this gradually, about 2 years into the marriage. By then I was set in my married life, in love with him....and I've been tryingto make it work through conseling since.
Ultimately, I think this is what's going to break us up. I haven't been more aggressive b/c I'm unemployed, broke, and have no where to go.

Take a good look at your life and ask yourself if you want to spend years fighting for your relationship - with the knowledge that it could all be for nought


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## xomelissa (Dec 7, 2011)

To me, he sounds like a typical crossdresser and it's very doubtful that he's gay because the vast majority of crossdressers are hetero, not gay or bi. Crossdressers, or CD's, are commonly referred to as transgender. Simply stated, that's an umbrella term for people whose identity doesn't conform to conventional notions of male or female gender roles. That covers a lot of ground and many people fall within this category. They may be of practically any sexual orientation but we're talking specifically about a large segment of the transgender population, the crossdressers. And, as I already stated, typically crossdressers lead otherwise normal, heterosexual lives and have absolutely no desire of changing their gender. 
The term transsexual is quite often used incorrectly to describe TG's, CD's and so on. Those two terms, Transgender and transsexual, are not interchangeable because, as someone else already mentioned, there is a huge difference between someone who is merely crossdressing in their spare time, say, once a month in the privacy of their homes. It varies, that's just an example. 'True' transsexual men and women are not playing dress up games. In fact, exotic looking clothing usually only seen on street corner girls and wayy overdone makeup is just about all there is to the typical crossdresser. It's usually quite easy to spot those who dare to go into public that way. I mean its not everyday you see a 6'2", 210lb (obviously male) person inside a local Walmart store wearing a long bleach blonde cheaply made wig, caked on makeup hiding some of that five o'clock shadow, a six inch leather mini skirt and hobbling about on five inch stiletto heels. It's not something most women would even consider doing but it's everything to a crossdresser. 
A true transsexual won't think twice about clothing because it's exactly that - clothing and nothing more. It's the clothing we wear each and every day of our lives, and we tend to wear both age and gender appropriate fashions in one's private and professional lives. 
Transsexuals are born, not made and certainly never a choice we make for ourselves. It's not like waking up one morning and thinking to ourselves, Gee! I think I'm going to become a woman (or man, as the case may be). In most instances, it's something so very many of us have struggled with for as long as we can remember. Transsexualism commonly creates unbearable and very unhealthy levels of anxiety, depression, and inner turmoil which all too often leads to suicide because sometimes, the pain is too overwhelming. No, its not a choice and its not a game - its a lifestyle, and it's not to be taken lightly because only a relative few of us have the ability to afford surgery - or have the strong will and desire to live out the rest of our lives in the gender we always knew ourselves to be. Some find happiness without surgery, others - like myself, couldn't live without it. I hope that makes sense? 
I've heard it said that when crossdressers get together, the talk is about clothing and make up. And it's very detailed, and highly descriptive in nature. Conversely, when (if) transsexuals get together in a small group, the topics of conversation are much like anyone else might discuss in a similar setting; our work, our friends and families and so on. 
The two groups are very different and distinct from each other, and I'm sure many TG's reading this would likely want to tell me that it's not true, that we are the same. Well, that's not true because the term transgender is an umbrella term and, as many true transsexual men and women would tell you, we somehow got lumped into the mix, and its unfortunate but thats another topic in itself. 
I hope this helps to clarify some of the confusion? If not, I apologize for that. Also, sorry for the length of this post!
Edit: I'm not any sort of official spokesperson for the entire transsexual male and female population. This post is only my opinion, mostly based upon an entire lifetime of firsthand experience. The remainder being knowledge gained from life and living, friends and too much research trying to figure myself out. Thankfully, I've found myself and I'm quite happy with that fact. I've lost a LOT along the way but it's a price I've paid, one that I've had to pay much like many others in all walks of life. I don't mean to offend anyone, its just my opinion, nothing more and nothing less.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

This thread is almost 2 months old. I think the OP is gone.


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## xomelissa (Dec 7, 2011)

@Southern Wife, thank you for the info! I realized the thread was a few months old but I think many people might not be aware of what it means to be either TG or TS. Of course, many others simply don't care and/or don't want to know and that's perfectly fine. I guess what I'm saying is even if only one person other than the OP finds the information helpful at all, then it was well worth my time and effort to make that (long winded!) post. 
I've been posting on various forums for years, and its really not uncommon to bring to life old threads - within a reasonable time, that is. Two months is nothing really. A year or more? Yes, that's probably too old but each site is different and often times a week old thread is considered out of date. I apologize if that's the norm here, and if that's the case, I simply didn't know about it. 
Thank you again for your input, I will be sure to pay closer attention to avoid potential conflict.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

xomelissa said:


> Thank you again for your input, I will be sure to pay closer attention to avoid potential conflict.


I wouldn't imagine there would be potential conflict.

I read your post yesterday and found it interesting - even though this topic doesn't relate to my life. I hope you might stick around and bring insight to other threads when you can.


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