# Leaving suggestions: guys?



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I just read thread of a couple men on here who have long term 20+ year marriages, where their wife left them. I feel bad for them of course, no one likes to see a long term marriage fail. 

I am one of the women in a 27+ year relationships, 24 of it married and I don't want to stay, I have not left yet, but I just can't take it any more. 

I may come across angry or whatever, but it is frustration at reading these threads of "sorrow" as if a wife leaving after 23 plus years appears to be NEW news to some? WOMEN are verbal creatures...so I would assume surprise was not part of the leaving? WOMEN don't leave and break up a family of 20+ years easily, I don't think - maybe I am wrong?

All the "talking" and him not taking our relationship seriously enough to know it is in big trouble. I've given a million chances, but he does not listen!!!

Me: You are getting a bit too heavy and pastie for me. (I have ALWAYS been clear I LIKE guys that stay in shape and have a touch of tan as if they have at least seen the sun in the last five years - he TANS SOOOO nicely, too!)

He: "Hmm..." continues watching TV.

(Me: I have had four kids, I work out every day, I look good and I keep myself that way because I like being attractive FOR HIM...but what does HE do?)

Me: "I am feeling like I am attracted TO SOMEONE else, Honey, I think we need to work this out as to why I feel this way...cause if we do not I may have an affair and I certainly don't want to do that, I am not that type a person, I need your help to find out why I am feeling this way...."

He: "Hmmm.." leaves for work day after next, gone for two weeks, never discusses it ever again.

Me: "God, I would just LOVE to go away for a weekend with you, have some knock your socks off sex, candlelight dinner, walk the beach...."

He: "The kids would really like that too...." (WTF??)

SO - GUYS out there: How MANY years am I supposed to keep asking and talking, and resolving before I leave? 

HOW am I supposed to let him down "softly" without hurting HIM? I've been hurting for YEARS now wondering WHY the hell he does not care enough to LISTEN and pay attention to his marriage HALF as much as he pays attention to every single WORK or MONEY related matter?

Why IS it men think all they need to do is make money and all is fine, his "job" is "done" and he can ignore his marriage?

I just want to KNOW how you would suggest to be "released" from what "she" saw as something she was no longer able to live with...your marriage.

Give me some tips for letting my spouse KNOW I am leaving him: what words, what scenario? I want to get it right and all; I don't want HIS money, HIS house, HIS kids; I just want fair, I want to be able to bow out "well" and not be seen as some sneaky "she never told me or gave me a chance to fix things.." "you know what" ex wife.


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## krmrswy_19 (May 27, 2009)

I actually respect the fact that you're gonna tell him instead of finding another man and then leaving him feeling betrayed. I would tell him like it is. I wouldn't lie or dance around anything. Be up front and honest and you will be able to look back and respect how you acted during this time.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

krmrswy_19 said:


> I actually respect the fact that you're gonna tell him instead of finding another man and then leaving him feeling betrayed. I would tell him like it is. I wouldn't lie or dance around anything. Be up front and honest and you will be able to look back and respect how you acted during this time.


Thank you for not flaming me...I was afraid I'd sounded angry and bitter. I don't want to be angry and bitter. 

I finished raising our kids, I supported his career; I am a good wife, I just wish he would listen.

He has money and I don't want it. My freedom is what I want, freedom from begging for his time and respect. I want to feel loved and cherished as important to him.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You do sound frustrated. I commend you on trying to do things the right way as well...

Perhaps print out what you wrote. Let him sit down and read it and see what his reaction is....if none, then tell him that you assume he doesn't care and you will need to move on. 

I've been married for 24 years and my husband wants a divorce. Long term marriages are so difficult as you figure you'll be in it for the long haul after 20 years. How many people make it this long???? I don't know many.


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## LilMamaSlim (May 12, 2009)

I used to BEG my husband to talk to me during his depression, then he'd ignore me. I'd BEG him to turn off his game and just lay down next to me, and he'd ignore me. I even came out of our room in lingerie and made him on hell of an offer and he played his game... Wow, you made me realize that it wasn't just my husband who did that, he isn't one in a million.

Tell him straight out, but if he is as much like my husband as he seems, he'll probably shrug and leave. *sigh*


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I know, 27 years is a long time to be pondering all this, it isn't as if I've just "popped" this idea on him and I do work at it all the time. 

Usually, when I want to discuss "our growing apart" he will play with his schedule and fly OUT of town....for 9 or 10 days - overseas, where phone calls are "not allowed" per budget constraints and emails are spotty. He avoids, that is how he 'deals' with our relationship. 

When we were married five years and we had two small babies, I got so tired of starting a conversation about our "issues" and I'd turn around and he'd be on the phone calling (he didn't know I'd hear) and rearranging his schedule and then pack and say "XYZ called, they need me for a trip to Paris tomorrow...". 

SO, one time when he came back from that two week trip, I'd packed up his cute little "family" and left. THAT got his attention for a few months.....

And NOW I bring that pattern up to him and warn him...we are on the verge...he packs up again...I haven't seen him in, oh, 8 days now.....

I AM 53, but I AM also what I'd like to think as still pretty attractive and happy a person! He isn't easy on my ego....and when he is home he constantly "wants" sex...but without the "surrounding" verbal talking, seeing, touching, caring, feeling it is very difficult to hop in the sack with someone you haven't laid eyes on in two weeks, and who ignores your feelings...

Sigh.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

LilMamaSlim said:


> I used to BEG my husband to talk to me during his depression, then he'd ignore me. I'd BEG him to turn off his game and just lay down next to me, and he'd ignore me. I even came out of our room in lingerie and made him on hell of an offer and he played his game... Wow, you made me realize that it wasn't just my husband who did that, he isn't one in a million.
> 
> Tell him straight out, but if he is as much like my husband as he seems, he'll probably shrug and leave. *sigh*


I think it's a traight that some people just haven't learned to kick. My wife isn't someone who knows how to talk much and could just wait until forced to talk.


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## Sportsman (Feb 10, 2009)

My wife left me after 15 years of marriage and I did not see it coming. She is not a verbal creature. I would ask what is wrong, do special things for her and got nothing. You always hear that the men shut down and wont talk and its the women who wants to talk and work on things. That was not the case with my wife. Lesson learned, next time I get married if I can stand to do so I will find someone with better communication skills believe me. You seem to be in a place where he is clear where you both stand and made a choice to be the way he is. So as the famous quote goes, "You can't keep doing same thing the same way and expect a different result".

hang in there..

Sports..


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My circumstance was reversed. Not married nearly as long as you, but I believe what it came down to, was that she simply couldn’t imagine my pulling ‘the nuclear option’.

I was miserable. I consistently tried to discuss the issues we faced calmly and lovingly. Her response was to make only as much effort, for only as long as necessary to ‘get me off her back.’ She was shocked when I outlined in counseling the exact same things I tried to discuss with her prior to counseling. She stated that she was quite happy with the marriage the way it was. 

At it’s simplest, it means one of two things, or possibly both:
-	Your spouse simply doesn’t take you seriously.
-	Your spouse has no desire to change the dynamic of the relationship

I don’t think you need to outline anything else. Just make your plans to go. Then go. If he feels blindsided – the ball is in his court, just where it has been all along.

* and I absolutely agree with the others here - all women are not verbal creatures. Or perhaps it is simply a matter of perspective. The partner who wants to initiate change is going to be vociferous about it. The partner who is looking for an out, or wants to maintain the status quo isn't going to want to talk about it.


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