# Husband Hid Financial Problems for 8 Months - Now We're Flat Broke!



## thewench1958 (Mar 3, 2012)

My husband of 32 years has been out of work since Dec 2008. We live in Calif where 2 million people are out of work. He used to be a sales/marketing professional making six figures a year and I am a housewife and hospital volunteer. Our money ran out December 2010 and he said NOTHING till July 3, 2011 and when he finally told me we were flat broke. The first thing he thought to do was to raid my jewelry box and sold the few nice things he ever bought me over the years for scrap. I was broken hearted. The pennies he got paid for the metal and the stones was not worth the pleasure I got from having them and knowing he picked them out just for me. He also fudged some financial ppwk to get a title loan on our paid-off Lexus after I begged him not to. I told him if we miss payments they could take our car. This was last July so we've been stuck paying $330 a month on a car that was paid off 5 years ago! We havent paid our mortgage since July 2011 so the bank will be gunning for us. We're dependent on family, friends and neighbors for money and food. My husband is 63, a Vietnam Vet and I am 53 and we're needing my mother to feed us! I am sooooooooooo angry with him I could spit. How dare he disrespect me/us by keeping a major secret like our finances? I don't understand. When he finally told me he tried to blame me saying "I should have known". I should have and he should have told me. He sits upstairs staring at the computer for 10 hours a day thinking its gonna get him a job. I forced him to take his social security early at 62 last year because we needed money and he fought me on it saying I didn't have faith in him (I dont-not any more) and he probably screwed up his retirement. Well, that was last July and he still aint working! He's had 3 interviews in three years. I keep telling him his last job retired him but he said he has to keep looking "until". Until what? I can't live in this limbo another day. Some days I just want to scream and my anger and hatred towards him scares me. We've had a wonderful marriage for 32 years (no kids) and now I feel like the whole thing was a lie. How could he just gamble with our future like that, so easily too? What else has he lied about? That's what worries me. I asked him point blank if he has had affairs and he denies it and I do believe him. Im trying to hold out but after 3 years of this I don't have any fight left in me. If we end up in the street I am thinking of telling him he has to go his own way and I will try and pick up the pieces of what is left of my life. We're potentially facing foreclosure and bankruptcy because of his lies. When I asked him why he waited so long he said "I was so sure I was going to get a job." I am shattered. My whole life has turned upside down and the thing that really hurts is that everyone seems to be defending him. "He didn't want you to be upset". Well, what am I now? Im so confused. I love him so much but he has hurt me so deeply that he couldn't trust me enough to be honest with me after three decades. I don't know what to do but I do know I am not going to watch him spend the next three years looking for a job he's never gonna get. He'll be 66 in three years. What is a confused wife to do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Would you be in any different a financial position if you knew about the financial situation all along?

I also agree that if he was out of work, surely you knew that there was not enough money coming in.
This is the man who supported you for 32 years. You did not have to work. He is in a tough spot and your reation is to hate him. Nice.

I can understand that you are upset about him not bringing the financial situation to your attention earlier. But surely you had access to the accounts and could have known what the situation was. Instead you left it up to him 100% and he was trying to protect you.

How much job hunting have you done? You need to get a job just as he does.
At his age it will be harder for him to get work unless he has a skill that is in high demand. Employers are hiring younger people who will take a lower salary. And now he has the problem that he is long term unemployed. Many employers will not hire anyone who has been unemployed over 6 months. Your husband is job hunting because there is nothing else he can do. He wants a job and with your hanger and disappointment in him he most likely feels that him working is the only way he can make you happy.
Let him job hunt. You job hunt too. And then the two of you find fun things to do together.
You would probably benefit from some counseling to get over your anger.
On the topic of foreclosure.. it will take them months to get to you. I have a friend that went not paying the mortgage for 3 years. You have time to put the house up for sale and perhaps get some equity out of it. There are program for people in your situation. So some searching to find something that will help you out.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

You BOTH need to take responsibility for this. I completely agree with Ele that you should have known that there was a problem even if the detail was not shared with you. Where did you think the money was coming from? Did you ever sit him down to try to have a serious talk about the finances considering you continued to live and spend with no salary coming in? If the first time didn't work you should have persisted as I'm sure that you could feel that things just weren't adding up.

For a man especially, it is very hard to lose your job.  Being an older man like him in this economy, it must be detrimental to him. You need to support him and understand why he must have felt that he needed to paper over the cracks in the finances. Likely he was in denial. I don't know how I would react to being in his situation and I hope that I never need to find out. This is a very undignified way to approach the end of working life which I assume was a life of hard work and comfortable living. Very sad. It's your choice whether you will support him and go forward with this being a SHARED problem or treat this as only HIS problem. Likely it will be easier for you to get a job as he will be seen as overqualified for lower paying jobs. Either way, with both of you trying you have double the chance of landing at least one job that will start bringing some money in. good luck.


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## CoolBreeze10 (Nov 23, 2010)

Thats hard to hear, that after he has taken care of you for 32 years, you're thinking of leaving him to start a new life. Could you have looked for a job to help take care of him now that things went bad? It was wrong of him to hide whatever financial problems he was having, but whats worse is that now that you can't live your past life style, you're ready to leave. I too hid my financial problems from my wife for many years and I too was taking care of her. But when my wife found out, instead of threatening to leave, she went and got 2 jobs to help out.


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

I understand the man trying to protect his wife and all, but I think that's a whack excuse for making bad financial decisions. OP is just saying if he was up front about what was going on and not trying to protect his ego, then she probably would have jumped on getting a job. In the mean time, the husband is talking about how she does not have faith in him. Um, no, she's just trying to be a good wife and help out, just like she was trying to help out by telling him to stay away from that title loan.

I'm sorry, its a horrible excuse for you to pretty much lie and say you were trying to protect the family when you were only putting them in more trouble. I would have rather been upset early on, when you just confessed, we can't pay the bills than later when you want me to deal with bankruptcy and foreclosure. I've personally seen this type of situation.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

You cannot be completely removed from blame yourself! You are his wife, didn't you see the signs or were you in the clouds the whole time assuming everything was peachy? Stand by you husband for god sakes, and as much as you are upset, support him (mentally/emotionally). He proveded for you for 32 yrs, allowing you to be a homewife, you are in this together. Your comment about "going your own way if you were homeless" is repulsive. 

Step one in this process, is coming to an understanding and acceptance, until this is done, you will not be able to move forward.

Your husband is trying, can you try to do something on your end?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He lost his job. It's a bad situation. Blaming him and getting angry at him will do you no good. It's also very unfair. He took care of you for 30 years. You owe him. You both should be looking for work... Any kind of work. And then, once you have income, start planning jointly for your retirement.


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## ChelseaBlue (Mar 5, 2012)

thewench1958 said:


> He'll be 66 in three years. What is a confused wife to do?


Get a job and support him for the next 30 years.


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## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

really? he supported you for all these years and you are bailing? wow. 

ok maybe he should have said something earlier..but YOU KNEW he was out of work ....UMM....step up to the plate and HELP.


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## janerogers (Feb 21, 2012)

Well, if you are handling a financial crisis, the stress of figuring out financing can be overwhelming. Figuring out how you are likely to pay the hospital bill or pay to fix your car can be an enormous stress. There are times you end up going bankrupt like so many people are now doing because of outstanding debt. Loans could be repaid over time, which means you do not have to stress about coming up with all the money at once.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I understand you feel betrayed. I think that's the biggest issue here. It's not just the money, it's the lies. I think that's why you want to get out, and I understand. It's kind of like an affair. But try to separate out the betrayal from your finances. If he had told you earlier you would most likely be in the same position you are now with money. 
Like I said you have a right to your feelings about his lies and you will have to work on healing from this together. 
I work in a job where I talk to people all day about their money issues. Men your age are extremely sensitive about this. It's not an excuse but the realities of this economy are driving some people nuts. And I see a lot of people who stuck their heads in the sand until they had to confront it. 
After supporting you for that long and being proud of his ability to make a living, can you try to imagine for one minute what it means to him as a man to lose his job this close to retirement? He obviously couldn't face the feelings of humiliation and loss of his male identity as a breadwinner. 
He has protected you your whole lives together and all he knew to do was to protect you from this. People really believe that if they wait long enough something will
come up: they'll get a job or win the lottery. 
As for where do you go from here, I would suggest counseling with a financial advisor, credit counseling and talking about what you can do to change your lifestyle so you can afford to live a d he can retire. Men are stubborn and it sounds like he doesn't want to give up his hope. 
I have had 60 year old war vets crying to me on the phone like babies because they can't afford their house anymore. It breaks my heart. 

I would say you can get a modification of your mortgage but you have to have income to support it. He's going to have to accept retirement and get the award letter so the company can see if his income would allow you to pay for your house with a modification. Sometimes we see people who truly just can't afford their house. It's sad and people try to avoid it but the sooner you take action the better off you are. If you can sell your home for market value that's the best option. If not you can do a short sale or a deed in lieu of foreclosure. 
He needs to hear these things from someone at a credit counseling place, not you. 
I hope this helps. If you can find sliding scale counseling in your area to help with your feelings and the relationship I think that's a good idea too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Oh and yes, talking to people every day...honey he truly did think he would find a job. People go into major denial mode. 
It is extremely difficult after 55 for anyone to start over in the job market. 
I see you said he does get SS but what did you mean about his retirement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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