# Returning to CWI



## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hello to those who maybe remember me and sadly hello to the new arrivals. It especially is miserable when you first arrive here. TAM got me through those incredibly painful first months. It has been nine months since my Dday and I'm so disappointed in my WH's reaction today, which is why I'm here.

I stopped using CWI and tried the Relationships and Addictions forum since I got to the point where I realized he was a sex addict. It was a paradigm shift for me to see him as not so much a cheater as a sex addict. But CWI is a more active and insightful forum, I feel.

SO, we've tried a number of things, and they always work at first, and then he relapses. With each relapse, I become further depressed and resentful even though I simultaneously feel bad for my messed up husband. He is extremely miserable and depressed as well, but not yet able to really overcome it apparently. I know my moping around and accomplishing nothing makes it harder for him to move forward.

At the most recent relapse almost two weeks ago, I told him that him looking at backpages or Craigslist casual encounters would not be the end of the world (though it would obviously hurt me). Deceit, however, would bring about the end of the world (or rather "our" world). He said while he could not promise a zero relapse (because he is always trying but has impulse control problems repeatedly) he could promise me with 100% certainty (his words) that he would no longer try to hide anything or lie. He would come clean before I had to confront him. We agreed that if I found out he was relapsing, I had to wait 24 hours to give him a chance to tell me himself.

So he was laid off somewhat recently and has been searching for whatever work he can find. He responded to one Craigslist ad for cleaning that troubled me. The poster specified that the cleaner would have to be cool with cleaning the home for a NUDIST couple. Apparently, because we are having money problems, he thought $17.50/hr was worth it. And he didn't tell me that among the many jobs he applied for, this was one. Normal people wouldn't agree to such a job, right? Moreover, someone who recognizes himself as a sex addict SHOULD know better. 

Instead of apologizing profusely, he minimizes his behavior as if he did absolutely nothing wrong. THEN he starts blaming me for overreacting. Okay, I should have approached the issue nicely and calmly, but instead I repeatedly said in a stern voice, "Why didn't you tell me this. You promised..." and I started crying when he started getting defensive. The past ten days he said he has been completely clean and was proud of himself but then I blew everything up and pushed him back. 

What hurt the most was his reaction to my reaction. He was so defensive and seemed so ready to blame me. He started asking what I accomplished this week. He worked (short-term labor gig) like 70 hours this week, and since finishing my summer language institute (ten days ago) have been depressed and accomplishing soooo little. He comes home to a messy house and I can't seem to accomplish even small tasks. He keeps telling me to stop crying. And it just felt so awful. 

I can tell he is so sick of me being sad and depressed and paranoid and all of the horrible things I've become. It just hurt so much seeing blame me for so much and to yell at me for crying. I'm so hurt. 

Was I overreacting for him replying to a house cleaning for nudist couple ad? Was he justified in being totally frustrated and then being defensive and blaming me for all that I am not doing, for my not trying hard enough.  Just needed to vent I guess.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

This sounds...odd.

However, to be fair to him - nudity does not equal sex and,without being facetious, provided he is not going to force himself onto them then there should be no problem.

On a wider basis, I still do not understand the difference between a man and a sex addict, except one has some sort of putative permission.

Sometimes a couple cannot be together because there is too much hurt on one side and too little remorse on the other.

Like many things in life, the clever bit is understanding when it's time to sell, stop, cash your chips and get out.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

It's an odd choice for someone with an acknowledged sex addiction, to say the least. He should have told you. 

I am sorry you are back


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

totallyunexpected said:


> SO, we've tried a number of things, and they always work at first, and then he relapses. With each relapse, I become further depressed and resentful even though I simultaneously feel bad for my messed up husband. He is extremely miserable and depressed as well, but not yet able to really overcome it apparently. I know my moping around and accomplishing nothing makes it harder for him to move forward.
> 
> At the most recent relapse almost two weeks ago, I told him that him looking at backpages or Craigslist casual encounters would not be the end of the world (though it would obviously hurt me). Deceit, however, would bring about the end of the world (or rather "our" world). He said while he could not promise a zero relapse (because he is always trying but has impulse control problems repeatedly) he could promise me with 100% certainty (his words) that he would no longer try to hide anything or lie. He would come clean before I had to confront him. We agreed that if I found out he was relapsing, I had to wait 24 hours to give him a chance to tell me himself.


Totally,

I'm really sorry to see you back here and still suffering with the same issues. I have to ask, are you both seeing someone for his sex addiction issues? 

I am not trying to criticize you so please don't take it that way, but it seems like you are not really forcing him to face any consequences. I understand that addicts will relapse, but it almost feels like you are giving him a hall pass with the approach of letting him tell you he messed up and that means you have to be ok with it. The truth is he has to hit rock bottom to truly change and you are providing him a soft landing pad. These seem like pretty shaky boundaries and it seems like you are the one doing the compromising. Sex addict or not, your husband has to put in some really hard work to deserve you and it doesn't sound like that is happening. 

Please understand - I see myself in you. I've done the same thing and let myself be taken in by all his "recovery attempts" - but at the end of the day he only did the bare minimum needed to keep me from abandoning all hope. I've enabled my sex addict husband for years and it has taken some pretty extreme measures for me to finally let him go. I hate to see you hurt like this because I know how bad it feels. I'm finally following through with my divorce and although it's the last thing I ever wanted, it's exactly what I need to save myself. 

I'm praying for you and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's torture.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hi Chris,

Well-said:
"Sometimes a couple cannot be together because there is too much hurt on one side and too little remorse on the other."

As far as sex addict versus straight-up cheater. They aren't mutually exclusive, and one can lead to the other. However, I think sex addiction becomes relevant when someone loses complete control of their impulses (not acting because of some rational calculation). Like a heroin addict that really is messing up his life but just can't get out of the cycle. It's different from an affair where choice and rational calculation is involved. I guess that may seem like an excuse. I consider it an explanation, and in case ultimately there are consequences for both the sex addict and the plain old cheater. I do think the treatment plan for the two differ.

Just like any addiction, when it gets to the point where you are ruining your entire life but you can't stop (you keep getting more of the drug in the form of multiple partners or risky behavior), I guess I think it's real. Seriously, he does the stupidest things for almost no gain but at major cost. My husband isn't having sex with prostitutes but he gets a high out of contacting people for sex (without following through). That's just weird and irrational. 

Anyway, thanks for responding Chris. Sorry for the long-winded rant on sex addicts. God, that sounds so awful - I married a sex addict.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

What Chris said.

I know people both in the swinger and nudist world.

Some nudists are totally body acceptance no matter how fat zero sexuality types.

There are nudists as swingers. Hedonism 3 in Jamaica tends this way. My wife has an FB friend she plays on a game on where they go every year and fvck a bunch of people and get drunk. (Swinger womans words not mine) 

Nudists TEND to be one extreme or another. Which are these people> I would tend to think the swinger type if they are advertising in the casual encounters section.

Do note the "family friendly" type nudists DO hire people tho I would generally think it would be facilities not as much couples. Theres a SFW video on youtube of some reality show making people work at one north of Tampa. Must be odd working in the buff.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

It was so nice to hear from you Punkin! I hear everything you are saying. I really wish I were in a better financial situation and it was feasible for us to separate now. Honestly, we are so broke that we dipped into the change jar to buy groceries. I'm struggling to be responsible with finances or anything. I forget to pay things and then have late fees, lose a text book and get find a hundred bucks from the library, plus husband gets laid off, car issues, and my doing summer school with a small stipend rather than working. Financially, it should begin to get better when school starts, but it will take time for both of us to save enough to get him another place. I can't just kick him out. Both of our names are on the lease. We don't have family in the state (his are in another country) and I'm attending graduate school. 

Enough blabbering about that. Today I really started thinking that divorce is approaching. Above all, the lack of remorse on his part was telling. Interestingly, HE threatened divorce. Said 100% that he's tired of this way of living. Then I say fine and that I am going to call my parents and tell them, and then it becomes clear it was just a threat. 

So Punkin, you are moving forward with divorce? They say once you get past limbo it only gets better (well maybe a little worse but then a lot better). I hate this limbo. I still can't conceive of a future with or without him, so I hang on to ... nothing ... I guess. Thinking of you too Punkin!


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

*I turned cold. I am printing the divorce papers. He is balling his eyes out and begging for another chance. I don't see how or why he deserves another chance. I just hope he doesn't try to hurt himself. I can't believe this is happening to us. *

This is from one of your earlier posts. When are you going to say enough is enough. He is playing you like a fiddle. Get rid of the sexual addiction thoughts. He is not an addict. He is a cheater. You are looking at him as having a disease as in the addiction model. That is just plain wrong thinking. He threatens suicide, etc. He is playing you big time. When is enough, enough?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

While I have some sympathy for addicts, and respect for people who stand by them trying to help them, a time comes when enough is enough.

The fact he continues to relapse tells me that maybe it's time to let the whole situation go. 

Maybe some day if he really does beat his addictions a relationship can be begun anew, but for now he has chosen his addiction over you.

I would certainly support youor decision to leave.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Totally - I completely agree that limbo is the most miserable state of being. I can't say I feel better yet since I'm just starting the D process but I will say that I at least feel like I'm finally enforcing the ground rules that I previously let him cross over and over and over.

You'll know when you can't take any more and when that happens, you'll do what you have to do. No one gets to make that decision but you. It's scary and I really understand wanting to hold on.... even if the rope you're holding is frayed to a single thread. You'll know when to let go.

In the meantime, just focus on taking care of yourself and do some small things to hope you feel a sense of accomplishment (finish a course, reorganize a closet, anything..). It will do wonders for your spirit!


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

A sex addict working for nudists is like an alcoholic tending bar. Even though the nudists themselves are likely quite normal people simply letting applicants know in advance what they're getting into, a sex addict applying for the job and not telling the spouse is a huge red flag.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Was I overreacting for him replying to a house cleaning for nudist couple ad?


Given your history, I don't think you over-reacted. I think he should have told you. Sounds like a funny ad that I would have shown my wife and laughed about - definitely not the type of job you hear about very often. Would have made a good occupation on an old TV show from when I was a kid - What's My Line?

My second thought is that it sounds kind of phony. Like maybe "cleaning house" is code for something else? I'm just not that familiar with cl and all the various types of vices/fetishes/unusual interests that people post there to know if that is some type of code.

As far as even applying for such a job in the first place, I guess it depends on your financial situation. If you really need the money, I guess you try for everything you can get. But if you're asking me, if I even come across an ad like that anywhere, I'm probably going to show it to my wife because it seems funny, like the kind of situation you might see on a TV sit-com.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Hi Totally, Just checking in with you to see if you are doing OK. Hang in there


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