# All I do is think about leaving



## thetruthaboutforever (Feb 28, 2018)

I've been married almost 3 years in a few months. No kids. I've never been happy while we've been married. We dated for about 2 years before getting married and we were happy while we were dating. We didn't live together until we were married. We got through the normal bumps of figuring out how to live together, but our (my?) main problems are:

1) we never have sex. ever.
2) he doesn't try to stay in shape - never works out
3) I don't think I respect him as a person sometimes

Sex has been an issue ever since we were married. I don't understand, because we had a healthy sex life when we were dating. The only thing that changed is we moved in together - is it such a turn off to see me in my natural habitat? Idk. I stay in shape and exercise regularly. Other men are interested in me... just not my husband  He says he just isn't interested and doesn't even masturbate. I am inclined to believe him. I don't think he is cheating on me. He is actually a generally kind, trustworthy, reliable person (one of the many reasons I married him) but the last time we had sex was like 6 months ago. I'm in my twenties and I feel like I'm a grandma with no sex life. It's very frustrating. I want to cheat on him often, but I wouldn't do that out of principle. I've talked about it with him and he says he knows it's an issue. We've tried to fix it with promising to have sex once a week at least, etc, but it never works. I've asked him to have his testosterone checked, but he doesn't want to ask his doctor about it. 

And he doesn't take that great of care of himself anyway, so it's harder and harder for me to want to have sex with him. I'm not very attracted to him. He took better care of himself before we got married. He has gained same weight and never exercises. I have told him this is a turn off and I wish he would take care of himself and he says he knows and will go to the gym for a week and then stop.

I have been reading about relationships a great deal over the last three years and something I read that stuck with me was something along the lines of 'for a marriage to be successful, you must trust, admire, and respect the other person' or something like that. I trust him. He hasn't given me a reason not to, I don't think. Admire and respect? No. I make more money than him, I think I might be smarter than him, and I feel like I'm more driven and ambitious than him. I mean, I never say anything like that to him. But I am a very goal driven person. I have a better career than him and make considerably more money than him. I read all the time but the last tim he finished a book was one assigned in college. He usually plays video games for entertainment.

He's kind and he treats me well. But I am frustrated by his inability to improve himself. I want to make our relationship better, but I feel like I'm the only one trying. He says he wants to be with me, but I don't think he does. Or he doesn't want to very much. Or maybe he doesn't think I will leave? Or he doesn't care?

I don't know. I just feel like I woke up one day and realized the only thing I loved about him was that he loved me. And I'm not sure that's enough for me.

I know some have said to try to stick with it - he does a lot around the house, is very kind, loving. I don't think he would ever cheat on me and I don't think he is a dishonest person. I think he would make a good father. He has good qualities. But I don't feel like he challenges me at all. In fact, I feel like it's easier and easier to slide into bad habits around him. He doesn't challenge me intellectually or health wise. I think he would be a good friend, perhaps. Which is basically all we are.

I've brought up couples therapy as a last resort, but he had a bad therapy experience in childhood and is very opposed to therapy and thinks we should be able to work things out on our own. Except that it's not working and hasn't been working for the past three years

I keep thinking about cheating on him, which makes me feel bad, but I'm frustrated. I feel like I should move out or file for divorce before I make that kind of mistake. I don't know what else to do. I feel like I could forgive or let go of everything else (it's not like I'm perfect) but never having sex is just too much. It's important for me to feel a connection with my partner. I feel like he's an overly affectionate roommate.  I'm only young once and I feel like I'm whiling away the years hoping things will get better, then they just aren't.

Should I just pack my bags? Divorce is scary but so is living like this for the rest of my life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Um I don’t know what to say. 

Is he gay????

My wife I did the same as you but also waited until our wedding night. Never had a problem once we figured it out. 

It sounds like an old bait and switch. Your husband isn’t holding up his end of the marriage. I would suggest talking with a lawyer and get things rolling.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I got divorced after 30 years because of a sexless marriage. Don't be me. DON'T...BE...ME. Things aren't going to change, trust me. Don't cheat, it's not worth it. You will never escape the label if you do. But, you can make a change. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. You can find a partner worthy of your affections and intimacy. GET OUT NOW. Yes, you must take my advice with a grain of salt, but from what you've described...if I knew then what I knew now, I would have acted much sooner. DON'T...BE...ME.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Cromer said:


> I got divorced after 30 years because of a sexless marriage. Don't be me. DON'T...BE...ME. Things aren't going to change, trust me. Don't cheat, it's not worth it. You will never escape the label if you do. But, you can make a change. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. You can find a partner worthy of your affections and intimacy. GET OUT NOW. Yes, you must take my advice with a grain of salt, but from what you've described...if I knew then what I knew now, I would have acted much sooner. DON'T...BE...ME.


I could have written this. I stayed in my sexless marriage for 20 years. And it was 20 years too long. Looking back now, I must have been nuts. @Cromer is right — it WON’T get better. 

Don’t be me either!


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

thetruthaboutforever said:


> I have been reading about relationships a great deal over the last three years and something I read that stuck with me was something along the lines of 'for a marriage to be successful, you must trust, admire, and respect the other person' or something like that. I trust him. He hasn't given me a reason not to, I don't think. Admire and respect? No. I make more money than him, I think I might be smarter than him, and I feel like I'm more driven and ambitious than him. I mean, I never say anything like that to him. But I am a very goal driven person. I have a better career than him and make considerably more money than him. I read all the time but the last tim he finished a book was one assigned in college. He usually plays video games for entertainment.
> 
> I don't know. I just feel like I woke up one day and realized the only thing I loved about him was that he loved me. And I'm not sure that's enough for me.
> 
> ...


I don’t think your husband is gay. I think he is depressed. 

Forget the no sex issue. You obviously don’t respect him. Be honest - was he a go-getter wanting to change and grow when you were dating or did he have some “nice qualities” and you thought he would change into that go-getter just being around you? That is what I thought too. 

And I know you mentioned that you wouldn’t cheat, because that is wrong. But it sounds like you have someone in mind already that has a better career, is more ambitious, likes books.

My advice would be to divorce and save the heartache before kids come into the picture. If tomorrow he was wanting to bang you 2x/day would you be happy with him, or would the other deficiencies be too much to overcome?

My EX was a kind man and a good father. That is why I stayed. But I didn’t respect him. That kind-man-who-would-never-cheat-on-me cheated. It devastated me. Not because I loved him so much - because I was so much “better” than him. Our marriage was built on him “loving me”. 

I am remarried and so is XH. And he seems happy with his new bride. She is a high school graduate like him, works jobs for a living, not a career. Not for me and not what I aspire to. But from the Facebook posts and the text emojis he accidentally sends me, they seem to be happy in the love/sex department. Way more happy than we were. Guessing she respects him. 

Leave before you have kids. Let him find someone that appreciates him for his low-level and doesn’t just see potential. I realize this may sound like a dig on you. It isn’t. 
You have found early in your marriage that you aren’t compatible. Don’t waste a decade of both your lives.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

I think your husband is gay. Do not cheat on him. Divorce and tell him to find someone he is attracted to.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There are some men who, once they get married, think that means they can stop working at the relationship. Your husband sounds like one of these men.
@Bluesclues made an astute observation, which I agree with. He doesn't sound gay, he sounds depressed. And honestly, it also sounds like he isn't very happy in your marriage, either.

Does he know that you already have one foot out the door? I would think that a man who really wants to be with you, if he knew you were unhappy, would do whatever it takes to fix the problem. And... your husband isn't doing that. You've expressed to him your concerns about your sex life, and he has done nothing. He promised you more sex, but he never followed up on it. He won't get his testosterone checked. He refuses to go to marriage counseling. He won't do ANYTHING. He isn't an active participant in your relationship.

I think he also wants out, but he doesn't have the guts to do anything about that either.

He's not really giving you much of a choice, is he?

It seems the consensus here is that you should divorce him. Before you just pack up your bags and leave, before you do ANYTHING, however, I recommend that you first consult with a divorce attorney. Find out what the divorce laws are in your state, and how you can best protect your assets. Luckily, you're only been married for a few years, and he is working, so even though you are the higher earner, he probably won't be granted any type of spousal support. You have no idea how he will react, and you need to be prepared for ALL possible outcomes. You don't want him to screw you over and empty your joint accounts. Make sure all the credit cards are paid off, and cancel any joint cards, or take your name off the accounts. Immediately before the talk (and not too soon before, you don't want to set off any alarms), set up a new bank account at a different bank, withdraw half of the money from your joint accounts and put it in your new account. Disable direct deposit of your paycheck or redirect to the new account (remember, this can take up to a month). 

You will need to figure out living arrangements before you leave... for example, if you share an apartment, both your names are on the lease and you are both liable for the full amount of the rent. If you leave and he stays in the apartment, he might decide to screw you over and not pay the rent... it will hurt his credit, but the creditors will come after you, not just him. If he's vengeful, he might not care if it hurts his credit. You CAN arrange to have your name taken off the lease, and he be the only name on the lease, but you need his permission to do that. If you own a house together, and you want to keep the house, you will have to buy out his equity and refinance as the sole mortgage owner.

Do the research and work out all the details before you leave. Find out how long you have to be separated before filing for divorce

And, for the love of god, do NOT cheat on him. Some states still have adultery laws, and it could impact the outcome of your divorce. Wait until the divorce papers are filed, and then you will be covered.

If you are lucky, and he is amicable about it and you have limited assets to divide, some states allow for pro se divorces, which means neither party is represented by lawyers. You file all the paperwork yourselves. All the necessary forms are available to the public, and you can find supplemental forms (like a standard settlement agreement) on sites like Rocket Lawyer. That's what I did, because my XH was lazy and didn't want to be married to me anymore, but he also didn't want to do any of the work to make it legal. Alternately, you can work with a mediator.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FeministInPink said it all...good advice. No go and follow through with it. The feelings you have will only grow more confirmed in time ....... DO NOT CHEAT !!! Do whatever it takes to hold
you over, sex toy, erotic novel...whatever...DO NOT CHEAT!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Sex is important, even vital to happiness in marriage. Don't spend your life trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

Since he wasn't always like this, has anything changed? Is he on anti-depressants? Those completely kill some people's sex drives. 

Honestly though I don't see a lot here that is worth trying to save.

Don't get pregnant. I know you are missing sex, but sometimes this is used to entrap people. Don't cheat - you will just feel guilty, and right now you have done nothing wrong. 

Don't wait - unless there is a clear fixable medical issue, this is unlikely to get better.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel like we are in sort of similar situations. My issues with my husband isn't sex but the way our husbands are behaving is quite similar. My husband refuses to work at our marriage, compromise, or talk to someone about our issues. He's left me to deal with it all. It's very frustrating. I feel for you.

I wish I could offer you advice. I feel like the people above have given some really great advice! I hope you figure it out. All I know is that it gets tiring to do all the work and make lots of sacrifices. I'm also in my 20s and it seems like such a waste to be in a relationship that unfulfilling. Might as well enjoy the single life and get some action, haha! (I know it's not that simple...but it is nice to fantasize during the hard times!)


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## DelicateFlower (Jan 10, 2018)

happy as a clam said:


> I could have written this. I stayed in my sexless marriage for 20 years. And it was 20 years too long. Looking back now, I must have been nuts. @Cromer is right — it WON’T get better.
> 
> Don’t be me either!


I agree with both of them! My neighbor is in the 
EXACT
SAME
SITUATION
with her husband and she would leave in a second if they didn't have three young boys. 

I'm in a marriage where I hate sex (for all kinds of reasons) but I at least understand my husbands needs and give it to him regularly (even though I have to fake it). 
You don't have kids, 
GET
OUT
NOW!!!


DO NOT WASTE YOUR ENTIRE LIFE ON AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE!!!

Life is simply too short. 

My grandfather (God love his amazing soul) died after a four way coronary bypass at age 63. It was after he died that his best friend told me, my PePe confided in her, that Lucy (my grandmother) had made his life a living hell and if he had been 10 years younger, he would have left her. He was married to her for 40 years.

Don't be my Pepe. There are too few good souls in this world, and too few happy moments. Go make babies and a life with someone who brings you immeasurable joy.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wow, hate is a strong word.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

We have the metoo movement now we have the don't be me movement!


Only married 3 yrs no kids and still young.


This what you say.

Hey hon can we talk? Listen I love that your kind,geaerous, and gererally a grear guy. But we are not sexually compatible. Sex is important to me and I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a husband who only needs sex once in awhile. We tried compromising and it dosn't seem to work. Lets just call it a day and divorce.


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## Broadways (Mar 5, 2018)

Just like to mention that:

1) An average male watches p0rn secretly regardless if he is married or not. Gay or not.

2) A depressed male will watch p0rn a bit more(see addiction) than a regular male

3) Impotence (post age 50) doesn't cause the male to give up p0rn. Here it causes him to feel young again.

This is typical male behaviour

If your husband is still not interested in sex, it's either one this two things:

1) he is gay but trying to repress it himself by avoiding all aspects of it altogether

2) an ideological practice. This is partly a religious thing. Some people figure it out by themselves that they are under the control of nature and are being led into doing things unconsciously.

No 2 is very rare. It maybe no 1


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## Jeje (Mar 6, 2018)

Your husband doesn't deserve you, since there is not kids take the step and talk to lawyer , nothing will change, don't me like me i stuck in bad marriage in 3 years in hope that thinks will get better  now i have baby son 8 months preparing for divorce i can't tolerate any more .


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## BlueSuedeShoes (Mar 9, 2018)

I'm also considering separation. To be honest, Im torn on what to do because I have kids and I've always thought I have to be a strong role model for them; show them what marriage means, that commitment. But at the same time, I thought the other day, is being unhappily married setting them a good example? I guess there's good and bad in both. Staying, being potentially unhappy as a permanant. Some things cannot be fixed. People are different. Acceptance. Leaving, finding yourself again, happiness. (again potentially) freedom from the problems you had. But would it teach them not to give something their all? To give up?

I too am in a (pretty much) sexless marriage. I have been married for 14 years. At first, sex was fairly frequent. I get there's always a give and talk. Women have more emotionally going on for them so they really have to be in the right head space and everything else to want to have sex. But for at least the last 9 or 10 years, (after having kids) sex has only been once every few months. She knows I have a need but just chooses to think it's too hard or she doesn't want to be 'burdened' with bothering to reach my needs when in reality, that's what a marriage is. Giving ourselves to our partners and fulfiling each others needs emotionaly and physically and everything else.

But you are a women so your perspective is a little different but you are still in many ways in the same boat as me. You don't have kids though, so even though this sounds bad, it's easier for you to leave then if you had kids. Consider that. Consider this also. The seed is there. If there are things that you don't like, you need to be upfront about it with yourself. You need to put it all in the light and decide if you can live with X, y and Z forever, if there is any doubt (because all people will have things you dont like that you discover lets be realistic) but if you know deep down that you wont be able to stick with those things forever then you should think about leaving while you dont have kids. Trust me. I buried everything down, now it's 10 years later and I have kids. The problems dont go away. They just get buried and sometimes grow and grow until they are bigger problems.

Im not saying that people should leave based on things they dont like. That would be unloving and unrealistic. Everyone has flaws and weaknesses. But it's the deciding if you can live with it that is what you need to do. Good luck and your not alone.


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