# He called me fat



## swathy (Nov 5, 2012)

On a day we were going for a wedding function, my husband commented on my dressing and said that it does not suit me and I look fat and I should change it

He said when I sit all the fat i have is buldging out. I was hurt, not only that I was told that I am fat, it was said when I was about to attend a wedding and i was getting ready and trying to look my best. 

I had put on weight after my first baby 1 1/2 years ago. After that it is constant battle of me fighting off my weight and finding time to exercise. I managed to reduce a few kilos but I am still over weight. But for him to tell that in that way , knowing that it will hurt me is mean. Or is it me who is being too dramatic as he claims?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Did you ask or did he volunteer his opinion? Seems abusive to me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mephisto (Feb 20, 2011)

Abusive? Or realistic.... seriously, you admit to gaining and not losing weight, when you are trying to look your best your hubby tells you that it ain't working and you should try something else. He may not have the tact you desire, but his message was probably not meant to be spiteful, just a reminder that you don't have your 18 year old body any longer and can't squeeze into the same style of clothing...... 

Muffin tops are not cute, whatever your age.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I think it's a very mean comment. I'm sorry he said this to you.

My weight fluctuates and I know when I've put on weight. I don't need extra reminders when I gain weight. 

There are much nicer ways he could of discussed this issue. He was not thinking of your feelings at all when he said this. You need to tell him that this comment hurt you and he said it in a very disrespectful manner.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Personally, I agree with mephisto, but a lot depends on how it was said and what exactly was said. Only the OP can tell if the comments were accurate (did your outfit work with your body, or against it). His comments could have been intended to be hurtful, or they could have been an honest attempt to help her look her best.

C


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

If Id said that to my W in that format Id be looking for my testicles!

There are ways to say things like this like " it looks a little tight" Not "hell your busting the seams". So woman are never to be size zero and after a first child many will put on the pounds. Its normal. But for goodness sake be polite and more... supportive.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He could have said it nicer but unfortunately I'm with Mephisto sometimes the truth hurts. 

I've bitten my tongue a few times when my husband put on too small clothing after gaining 30 pounds (he's since lost it). That was hard because he really did look awful stuffed in his clothes like that. I'd rather see someone in clothes that fit than clothes that show every bulge and roll.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

There are certain things a husband should KNOW how to say to his wife.
Timing is also very crucial.
A husband never say to his wife;
" Lie down and open your legs" when he wants to have sex.
He skilfully initiates.
Just like,
A wife is not supposed to tell her husband that his penis to too small for her pleasure, he will feel insulted.

So that
A man who criticizes his wife and tells her she is too fat just before they attend a wedding, when she is trying her best to look beautiful by his
side , is very inconsiderate and insensitive.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

His timing is bad and he was rude.
It sounds like he has issues with not caring what other people think.
If he were more confident, he would have told you that you looked beautiful in some way and not mentioned your weight, and then had the pleasure of being with his wife who was 'shining' during the wedding. Instead, he contributed to what must have been a dismal day when you ought to have been celebrating a union of two people in marriage.
Some people know how to create a positive world around them.
It sounds like your husband could use some more practice with that.
If he were concerned about your weight, he could have talked to you about it at a more appropriate time, and if he were concerned about appearances, he could have gone shopping with you for an outfit and had some say in how it looked.
Fail!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Delivery and timing is everything...

Whilst I would certainly want to know if my partner thought I was fat, or an outfit didn't suit me, telling me at a time when I could do little or nothing about it would be, at best, unhelpful.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Truth or not he went about it wrong...and if he was just being "honest" then he deserves a cookie or better yet a gold star for the week.  Sounds like a winner. 

To the OP, you might want to be "honest" with him to. Tell him fat you can change but his attitude is ugly to the bone and probably much harder to get rid of.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It was a dumb ass thing to say. And counter productive. Eating away at your wife's body image and self esteem is likely to bite you in the butt later.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him it really hurt your feelings that he said that and make a plan to start losing weight & eating right.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Just out of curiosity, how does he normally treat you other than the comment he made about how you looked? How are things in other areas of the marriage?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him it really hurt your feelings that he said that and make a plan to start losing weight & eating right.


Best answer yet.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Not a prescribed theory, telling your wife while she's trying to look beautiful the exact opposite. So throw it back in his face. 

Not enough time to exercise? Understandable, so clean up your diet and try to sneak in some cardio. Cut the carbs to just some good ones and switch the diet soda for water. You'll have a good start to getting back your per-baby weight.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

First question, did you ask him how it looked and what was his exact answer? 

The reason I ask this is that first, I don't ever ask my husband, 'does this make me look fat, etc'. IF I want his opinion, I'll normally ask, which outfit/dress/etc. do you like better? 

I don't ask if something makes me look fat because it puts him on the spot. Most men don't know how to reply/respond and we end up getting angry or hurt with almost any answer other than 'You look beautiful'. 

I can also state that if I don't feel good about my physical appearance, I judge his commentary a lot harsher than it really is. For instance, when I was losing that god awful 50 lbs I had gained, I made a comment about buying a cute corset with garters, stockings, etc. My hubby said 'Why don't you wait until you lose the rest of the weight'. All I heard was 'You're too fat for that' which was clearly not what he meant. He's since learned to phrase things a lot smarter too. 

That said, if he said 'You look fat', I think it would be fair to have a discussion about how rude that was and inappropriate.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband never tells me I look fat. He tells me I am beautiful and sexy, and I tell him the same thing, because despite the fact we're both carrying around a few (ok maybe more than just a FEW.............) extra pounds, we both really do find each other sexy and beautiful.

Him telling me I'm beautiful makes me want to look good for him, WAY more than it would if he told me I looked fat. When I complain to him about my weight he complains to me about his and we both agree to get on the treadmill more than once a week and not have beer with EVERY football game.  And we do for a while. But we've both been the weight we are for a few years now, and I don't see anything changing soon, but we're both happy with things the way they are too.

If your hubby isn't happy with the way you look, he should try to help you change it or shut the hell up.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Only 2... correction... THREE occasions when I'm blunt like that, first is to get a reaction from my wife, but obviously I would use the usual jokey/teasing tone of voice so she knows I'm poking her not insulting her (much hehe)
The second occasion is when she wants my honest opinion so I give it to her.
The other occasion is when she just looks absolutely WRONG in it so I will voice my disdain rather brutally honestly lol - but that's rare, she normally has a good taste of fashion

The thing is though my wife has no trouble losing her weight so it doesn't really bother her that much but I guess I can see how if she did have issues and I said something like that - well that's just rude.

Have you considered pole dancing? It's how my wife lost her weight FAST, blinked and walla "where the hell did all the fat go?!"


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

It's pretty obvious the women here are pretty sensitive about weight. So I have to assume that there is a lot more to the story that the OP neglected because it would compromise her being the innocent victim.
I can tell you from personal experience that a man wants a wife who dresses for her weight, especially if he is going to be around all of his friends or family. I posted in a thread a while back that my wife would constantly wear clothes that were a size too small, and it made her look like crap. She would have looked much better in the right size, but she refused to buy that next size up because that would mean she would have to admit her weight to herself. I would never be stupid enough to bring it up right before a wedding, which is why I have to believe there is more to the story. Maybe the OP missed nicer and more subtle hints prior, like when she bought the dress. Maybe she bought it small with the intention of losing weight to fit into it, but never did.
A women being overweight doesn't just affect her, it affects her husband who looks at her far more than she looks at herself. Some men are perfectly fine with their wives putting on weight, but some men are not. Neither is wrong. Each spouse has an obligation to try and look attractive for their spouse. Women don't feel any different about a man who starts out fit, and then gets fat. It's a turn off to many. 
So the bottom line is that your husband is trying to communicate, but doesn't know how, or feels like he will get his head ripped off no matter how he does. He might need some lessons in communication skills, but he has something on his mind that shouldn't be ignored.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Is there ever a time or place to tell your partner you think they're carrying too much weight? I can't imagine it going well no matter how you approach it. 

I'm struggling with a 15 year old daughter who's getting a belly on her. I try to lead by example...taking her on bike rides...eating healthy foods at home etc. I can't think of a diplomatic way to tell her she should be trying to get healthy so I don't say anything.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Delivery and timing is everything...
> 
> Whilst I would certainly want to know if my partner thought I was fat, or an outfit didn't suit me, telling me at a time when I could do little or nothing about it would be, at best, unhelpful.


I interpretted the comment to be while she was getting ready, which adds some nuance for me.

I would never call my wife fat. I have, on the other hand, learned to tell her when a dress or outfit does not work for her. I will lightly tell her why if she presses, but she generally knows what I mean.

I can't tell what the husband intended, so I do think the OP needs to think about herself, her husband, the circumstances and the tone. Was this a cruel comment, or was it a clumsy attempt to help her.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is there ever a time or place to tell your partner you think they're carrying too much weight? I can't imagine it going well no matter how you approach it.
> 
> I'm struggling with a 15 year old daughter who's getting a belly on her. I try to lead by example...taking her on bike rides...eating healthy foods at home etc. I can't think of a diplomatic way to tell her she should be trying to get healthy so I don't say anything.


Fortunately my daughter is VERY athletic, but I have a friend whose daughter is quite chunky tho still very attractive.

I like her approach - mother plump, too, so she makes a point of discussing her choices out loud and commenting on calorie densities, calories burned... hoping it will sink in. She'll comment out loud on her food choices - she was going to skip a roll at dinner so she could have a glass of wine instead, etc. or how she'd love to have that muffin for breakfast but how high in fat and sugar but low in nutrients so would have a scrambled egg and piece of wheat toast instead. She would do the same for exercise by saying she'd like a coke instead of water but it would take 20 minutes of running just to burn off the sugary coke. Likewise she would say she was going to have 2 cookies because she was at 1800 calories so could spare the 200 for a treat, etc.

So by setting the example and not preaching but giving the daughter some insight into her food choices and reading more labels (she'll tell her daughter it's too tiny to read and get her to read aloud even though she can) she hopes to shape the daughter's thinking about food from a nutritional stand point as well as a calories in/calories out perspective. I've started doing this around my daughter.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Tell him it really hurt your feelings that he said that and make a plan to start losing weight & eating right.


Just to add to that, tell him that you would appreciate his support in your efforts.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Fortunately my daughter is VERY athletic, but I have a friend whose daughter is quite chunky tho still very attractive.
> 
> I like her approach - mother plump, too, so she makes a point of discussing her choices out loud and commenting on calorie densities, calories burned... hoping it will sink in. She'll comment out loud on her food choices - she was going to skip a roll at dinner so she could have a glass of wine instead, etc. or how she'd love to have that muffin for breakfast but how high in fat and sugar but low in nutrients so would have a scrambled egg and piece of wheat toast instead. She would do the same for exercise by saying she'd like a coke instead of water but it would take 20 minutes of running just to burn off the sugary coke. Likewise she would say she was going to have 2 cookies because she was at 1800 calories so could spare the 200 for a treat, etc.
> 
> So by setting the example and not preaching but giving the daughter some insight into her food choices and reading more labels (she'll tell her daughter it's too tiny to read and get her to read aloud even though she can) she hopes to shape the daughter's thinking about food from a nutritional stand point as well as a calories in/calories out perspective. I've started doing this around my daughter.


I try to do that as well. My girlfriend and I are very athletic so we're frequently exercising and discussing food options. We try to eat as much unprocessed food as possible going heavy on the vegetables as quite frankly once you're healthy the better you eat the better you feel. 

It's a fine line because on one hand I want her to be healthy but on the other I don't want her to have body image issues.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Is there ever a time or place to tell your partner you think they're carrying too much weight? I can't imagine it going well no matter how you approach it.
> 
> I'm struggling with a 15 year old daughter who's getting a belly on her. I try to lead by example...taking her on bike rides...eating healthy foods at home etc. I can't think of a diplomatic way to tell her she should be trying to get healthy so I don't say anything.


Yes, there is. When you think your partner's weight is unhealthy. I am definitely a curvy girl and enjoy having a woman's body and not a twig. HOWEVER, when I was home more taking care of hubby after his 3 back surgeries, I stopped eating healthy foods, stopped working out and over the course of a year put on 50 lbs. I was definitely overweight and it wasn't healthy.

My husband didn't call me fat but he did tell me that he was worried that my weight was affecting my health and affecting the way I felt about my body (meaning less sex happening) and wanted to know what he could do to help and support me.

It hurt my feelings a little bit but in the long run, it helped me make the decision to put down the cheeseburger, get back in to the gym and make myself a priority in my own life.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Mine didn't call me fat but instead said that he gained weight and I gained weight. I also had two of his children at a later age and a total of 4 back operations. I weighed 150 when I got pregnant with the second. I didn't go backwards much after that. Over the past 12 years i've gained enough that I'm the heaviest I've ever been. All this came to light as being an issue when I asked how many more years would go by before we had sex again. I think your H's timing was bad - is there ever a really good time to tell someone what they already know? I have lost 16lbs over the past few months. I would really start trying to lose it before it isn't a concern anymore and you eat to replace what's missing in your life and end up the biggest you've been. Good luck

Cheers


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

swathy said:


> On a day we were going for a wedding function, my husband commented on my dressing and said that it does not suit me and I look fat and I should change it
> 
> He said when I sit all the fat i have is buldging out. I was hurt, not only that I was told that I am fat, it was said when I was about to attend a wedding and i was getting ready and trying to look my best.
> 
> I had put on weight after my first baby 1 1/2 years ago. After that it is constant battle of me fighting off my weight and finding time to exercise. I managed to reduce a few kilos but I am still over weight. But for him to tell that in that way , knowing that it will hurt me is mean. Or is it me who is being too dramatic as he claims?


Yeah, he may have been more tactful, but then again, when it comes to a woman's weight, I highly doubt there is ever a tactful way to bring it up.
If he has a habit of saying mean things to you all the time, then maybe there's a bigger issue at hand than your weight.
If not, then one way to get him to not say another thing about your weight is to lose it.
Exercise by itself will not get the weight off, it takes discipline & healthy eating as well. 
If you can make time in your life for everything else, then you can demand the time you need to work out.
Tell him to watch the kiddo while you go to the gym, make geting into shape your #1 priority.


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## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

There could have been better grace when presenting this issue to you. He probably thought that telling you before the wedding would keep you from embarrassment of other people noticing. Ladies, MOST (Not all) of us cannot lie that when we see another woman dressed in clothes that do not flatter her, we think about making a remark.

I'm not saying that you were dressed inappropriately at all! However, your husband probably had good intentions (if this isn't repetitive behavior) to keep you from feeling uncomfortable. 

Weight with women is a slippery slope. We bare children and things kind of go down hill from there. It's not fair because men will never understand what we go through during a pregnancy and after the birth. With that said, I think he was trying to hint about your weight, but it came off extremely harsh. Unless he is always saying mean things to you, try to brush this one off but tell him that if he has issues with your weight then he needs to sit and think about how he's going to approach you with it before hand. Blurting something out like that is mean. He needs to know that it really did hurt your feelings.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'd have to know how is he on a regular basis before commenting on whether he was right or wrong.

With that said, I feel sometimes people don't realize when their comments are too blunt but they aren't meaning to be hurtful,just honest.
I think before becoming hurt over what a person said we need to think about what we know of the person first.If this is a person who is traditionally loving and kind then the comment wasn't meant to be hurtful most likely.

There is no good way to tell a woman she doesn't look good in something.But the woman needs to be mature enough to hear what her partner is saying.She needs to understand he is most likely saying it out of love and wanting her to look as fabulous as she is hoping to look.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> There is no good way to tell a woman she doesn't look good in something.But the woman needs to be mature enough to hear what her partner is saying.She needs to understand he is most likely saying it out of love and wanting her to look as fabulous as she is hoping to look.


My wife was horrified when early in our relationship I let her go out in an outfit that that was unflatterring. Unfortunately, when I gently brought it up the next time, she was a bit offended, but remembered her previous complaint. There is no good way to do this, but lots of less bad ways. As time has gone on, we have developed words and terms that allow me to let her know when an outfit does not work (actually, this is one of them), but that are not anything she finds offensive.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

It's not flattering or kind, nor was it sugar-coated as it could have been, but it is not abusive.

He's not berating you and belittling you for your body, not rejecting you and expressing disgust, just commenting that your outfit is not flattering and telling you why.

Don't get all up in arms about it. You've admitted that your weight is a problem right now. I'd suggest that you buy a couple if new outfits that look good on you at your current size and then continue to work out if you don't like your figure.

If his comments were unsolicited and you like how you look, then recognize that you're ok with your body even if he isn't.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like the timing and delivery was meant to be hurtful, in which case...well that is unfortunate, I hope her H can learn to be more sensitive and caring.

But in general this thread is really making me aware of how passive people (especially guys) have to be about the whole issue. To me, I guess I take a medical definition of it - you are either underweight, "normal" weight, overweight, obese or morbidly obese and it is a fairly objective observation. It is not a judgement statement. Pretending that someone is not what they are in order to help them delude themselves into feeling better about their image doesn't really do anything to change the fact. And if such a statement can be so powerful, then whose fault is it, the person making a statement of fact or the person who is interpreting it as a personal attack?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Where is OP? I'm curious to read her responses. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I'm sorry he called you fat. 

My suggestion- buy a very hot little dress that doesn't fit. ( to small ) Make your goal fitting into that dress. Look at it everyday for motivation. Picture yourself in it. Make little changes in your diet and routine that supports this goal. Buy ankle weights to wear around the house so you exercise without thinking about it. Drink plenty of fresh water, have a fresh fruits and vegetables handy for those will power moments. Start with small reasonably attainable goals that challenge you. Don't set yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Go for it!


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Maybe he is stupid like me but he loves you! You could try the eat every other day plan, my wife is a size two now so I know it works and we have three kids now.


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## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> You could try the eat every other day plan, my wife is a size two now so I know it works and we have three kids now.


I hope that's a joke? That's a terrible diet plan.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

DavidWYoung said:


> Maybe he is stupid like me but he loves you! You could try the eat every other day plan, my wife is a size two now so I know it works and we have three kids now.


I've seen similar posts on a couple of threads here, all say the same thing. Troll? :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amyd (Nov 12, 2012)

swathy said:


> On a day we were going for a wedding function, my husband commented on my dressing and said that it does not suit me and I look fat and I should change it
> 
> He said when I sit all the fat i have is buldging out. I was hurt, not only that I was told that I am fat, it was said when I was about to attend a wedding and i was getting ready and trying to look my best.
> 
> I had put on weight after my first baby 1 1/2 years ago. After that it is constant battle of me fighting off my weight and finding time to exercise. I managed to reduce a few kilos but I am still over weight. But for him to tell that in that way , knowing that it will hurt me is mean. Or is it me who is being too dramatic as he claims?


If he said "it does not suit you" it sounds like he's being honest. Just buy a bigger size and you'll be fine.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

DavidWYoung said:


> Maybe he is stupid like me but he loves you! You could try the eat every other day plan, my wife is a size two now so I know it works and we have three kids now.


Doesn't sound healthy, sounds desperate.


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