# she cheated, 3 times



## seven66three (Dec 1, 2011)

I recently found out, after questioning and spying and questioning and spying for two months, that my wife of 20 months has had an affair. 

We have a 3 year old and a 5 month old. I am a pilot, and we recently moved 1000 miles for my job. My wife has never finished her degree, therefore obtaining a job is difficult for her. You can see some problems starting to mount. As said, I am a pilot and I may be away for up to 18 days a month. I haven't come close to that, but it is possible. When I do leave, my wife is "stuck" at the house with just her and the kids. Add the fact that she has no friends here, and she gets lonely. Also, my wife is very attractive. And she is extremely sociable. Unlike me, where I would rather stay in. The point is, she needs attention, and after being with her for 5 years, I have become complacent. I feel guilty leaving her at home where it is almost a prison to her, so when she ask me if she could go to the bar, i said yes (big mistake). I am the controlling type, but I don't act on it. I let her do whatever she wants, even though I hate it. Well, she was going to the bar a lot. I didn't like it, but I trusted her. But a couple of months ago, she met a man online, and she would text him all the time. I'm talking about, during birthday cake eating. And Chuck e cheese with my daughter,she was always on her phone. And she was deleting the messages. Of course I got upset, but all I wanted was for her to stop hiding them. That's all I asked, but it continued till one day when we had a fight, and she said she was going to go to his house and have drinks with him by herself. I printed off a petition for divorce and sat it on the table next to a bottle of wine. I know this was an over dramatic mistake, but I was merely trying get my point across. She tells me that she only said those things to upset me (well, mission accomplished). She left for the bar that night, she met a new other man, and as far as I know they had sex. But I didn't know yet. She started texting this guy, and started hiding the messages. So I would get upset all the time because I am busy speculating what is it she is hiding. She tells me it's nothing, and I should be ashamed of being so upset over it. And I tell her all I want is honesty. Well, this goes on for a month, and I finally download a spy app and finally read a couple of hidden messages. They were nothing more than "i miss you" and "i miss u too." I confronted her about it and she lied right to my face, even after I showed her my proof. Eventually, she confessed to the messages. The next day, while I'm on the road, she tells me that she just kissed him, twice. But she is still hiding something because she won't tell me the subject of all the messages. Until I finally ask if she had sex with him, to which she answered with a tearful nod. And she says three times. My anger got the best of me and I blew up and there was name calling and irrational mistakes made. 

My problem is this. I have read many forums about cheating wifes. So I know some of the advice already. But when she has lied so much and tried to keep it a secret so hard, that I don't know what to do. I want to make it work, but then the thought of them together, the thought of him touching my wife in only ways that I should, makes me want to puke, and makes me want to kick her out. (i know, counter productive). I can't help but wonder if she is still lying. I want to say that I believe she is truly sorry, but then I think about her doing it three times. Also, I was convinced that she would not ever do anything, so how am I supposed to believe myself now. 

I have read in other forums that I as a man, have to act like one for her to respect me. As I mentioned earlier, I got complacent in my relationship with her. But when she would tell me about something that bothered her, like not calling very much when I'm gone, I would change my behavior and I call her all the time. Anything she said she had a problem with,I would try my hardest to fix. However, there are a couple of things we can't fix right away. She mentions she's bitter about things and wants to speak with a therapist. I'm all for that, I always have been, but our health insurance doesn't kick in till, today actually, and we could not afford it, so just be patient for a couple of months is what I would tell her. I just need some advice. I'm so used to having everything in order, that I'm lost now. As embarrassing as it is to put out there, I don't know how to take control and be a man. I've read to act like a "father figure." Okay, how and for how long? Also, does anyone have advice for how to deal with these thoughts that just piss me off so much and make me counter productive? Thanks for any help.

7663


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

You seem to be a very caring guy and a good provider.
Your wife? She is a user and knows a good patsy when she sees one.
Three strikes means an out in just about any game you can play.
Good luck with your next relationship.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't know where you've been reading advice on here to be a father figure etc - but that's not our usual advice.

First STOP making excuses for her cheating, and stop blaming yourself. She cheated because she choose to and wanted to.

She could have made friends with other moms at the park or preschool - instead she deliberately sought out other men. She didn't go to the bar for any other reason than to drink and meet men. She choose to put her self on the market and find a new man.

Ok, got it? 

I don't think she has any remorse for her choices or having sex with other men. She's upset at being caught, but she would willing do it all again given the chance.

You will not fix this by catering to her whims demands complains and wants. She didn't cheat because you weren't working hard enough - she cheating because she choose to.

You made the mistake of being a nice guy pushover. She took that, lost respect for you, and went out looking for other men to date. 

This is key - she actively went out looking. She didn't happen to run into a guy who caught her attention - she went out hunting.

I think the one thing you have done right is putting the divorce petition in front of her.

Ask her: Does she want to stay married to you? 

Ask yourself: Knowing that she is open and willing to cheat on you.That she will go out and hunt for other men. That she will look you in the eye and lie. That she will openly text them in front of you. Do you actually want her back? Do you think you'll ever be able to trust her?

If both of you are willing to stay together then SHE needs to do some serious work to earn her place back in the marriage.

First: She has to give you complete transparency to her phone, email, and where she is.

Second: She cannot have male friends. None. Not online, not in real life. She can't because she cannot be trusted.

Third: Therapy for her. Therapy to find out whats so broken inside her, and her morals that she could do what she has done. Normal people would have been wracked with guilt and remorse. But she isn't - there's something wrong inside her, something lacking emotionally.

Fourth; She signs a post-nup saying if she ever cheats again - that she walks away from the marriage with nothing but her clothes and what she brought into it. You can do 50/50 custody of the kids, and you'll pay some child support. But she gets no marital assests, she doesn't get the house, and she gets no alimony.



I'll be honest with you. If she's cheating so soon in the marriage, and has actually gone out hunting for men to cheat with. I don't see how you can fix this. She isn't someone you will ever be able to trust again. Ever. Especially with your job.

Get rid of her now before she digs her claws into your pension, and your paycheck. It's still an young marriage - you'll be able to get rid of her without loosing your shirt in the divorce.

btw - with her so actively chasing men - she had sex more than 3 times. Just like the kissing was a lie, so is the 3 times.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

begin a quick exit strategy and file for divorce. i havent been in your situation but i cannot even imagine having the feeling that i would want to reconcile with someone who committed such a vile act against me. i know everyone is different as is every situation, but dang, i couldnt recover


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## seven66three (Dec 1, 2011)

Okay, I am not blaming myself for the cheating. I believe that even if I am the worst person in the world, then get a divorce first, then do who or whatever you want. So don’t think I am blaming myself for any of this. I was just giving background. 

My question was how do I stop thinking about what they did? I love my wife and I believe she loves me. And as long as believe that, I will try to make it work. So what I need is for some advice on how to move on with her. I don’t want to hear anybody telling me to divorce her. That will not happen, at least not now. She is willing to become completely transparent. She is willing to have zero male friends. And we are going to therapy. As far as a post-nup, we don’t have anything worth keeping, except our children of course. 

I do thank you all for taking time to respond to my thread, but what I am really looking for is how to get out of my own way and what actions I need to take to make this work. No, I will not bend to her will and be the “nice guy,” but I say a lot of dumb things when I get irritated, and I don’t want to harm her in the long run. I just want my family back, and I will do anything to achieve that goal. 

Again, thank you


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i apologize if i misunderstood what you were asking for.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

There are all kinds of cheaters. The one that has been married for 20 months and goes to bars looking for men is probably the worst kind.

You can want to save your marriage all you want. Read about the '180' and 'Letting Go' and you will probably find that the more you want to save your marriage, the more likely you won't be able to. 

Your wife needs to feel real consequences for what she did. If you tell her what you are telling us ..... how bad she had it and how she needs attention and how you got complacent .... then she is getting the message that what she did is almost OK with you. 

If you want to save your marriage, you need to file for divorce. She needs to know you won't tolerate infidelity for any reason. Once you file, you will see if your wife cares or not. If she doesn't care and signs the papers, then you just saved yourself a few years of pain and anguish. If she shows remorse, you can tell her what you need from her to continue in your marriage.

Thinks like counseling, transparency, etc. 

This idea that your wife is texting some man while you are there and all you want her to do is 'not delete the messages' is just plain wrong. 

You say you are controlling, but you don't act on it. Start acting on it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

seven66three said:


> My question was how do I stop thinking about what they did?


You can't. After a while (months, years) it won't hurt as bad but it will always bother you.


> So what I need is for some advice on how to move on with her. I don’t want to hear anybody telling me to divorce her. That will not happen, at least not now.


Don't limit yourself like this, it becomes your weakness. If your W knows you won't divorce her then she has little to no motivation to change. Why would she? You're not going to do anything about it?

You need to understand that the affair isn't over. All you did was bust her but its still going on in her head. Her thinking hasn't changed, her feelings for the OM(s), the resentment for you that she used to convince herself she is justified for the affair are all still there and will be for MONTHS. 



> She is willing to become completely transparent. She is willing to have zero male friends. And we are going to therapy. As far as a post-nup, we don’t have anything worth keeping, except our children of course.


They always knee-jerk agree to things like this when first busted, its the follow through that's hard. Know that MC doesn't work if the A is still ongoing.



> No, I will not bend to her will and be the “nice guy,” but I say a lot of dumb things when I get irritated, and I don’t want to harm her in the long run. I just want my family back, and I will do anything to achieve that goal.


Good, being the nice guy never works, you'll have better luck being an a-hole.

Today you want it to work. Six months from now you may be filing for a divorce because your feelings will change after the shock wears off. This is a lot to get over and most people don't. Even if she's the perfect wife for now on the damage is done, you may never respect her again.

To keep her in line she has to know that you will D her at the drop of a hat if she even dreams about the OM. Don't reassure her, keep her on her toes.

Also do not trust her. Keep taps on her since its very likely she'll try to contact the OM again when you are not looking. 

She needs to get a hobby that doesn't include men. Now that she has crossed that line it would be easier for her to cheat again in the future. Not saying she will for sure, but since she is no longer considered "faithful" then it stops being as big a deal.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

seven66three said:


> My question was how do I stop thinking about what they did?


You mean, getting rid of the mental images/movies of her and the OM having sex? If that is what you are asking, there is a technique I found effective, if you are interested PM me.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in denial if you believe you have the whole truth. Most cheaters will trickle truth you. Please do the following:
1. You and your wife get tested for STD's now.
2. Get a paternity test on your children. I know that this is painful but you must do this.
3. Set up for a polygraph test (cost about $500)
4. See a lawyer just to understand your various options.
Her actions really show that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> There are all kinds of cheaters. The one that has been married for 20 months and goes to bars looking for men is probably the worst kind.
> 
> You can want to save your marriage all you want. Read about the '180' and 'Letting Go' and you will probably find that the more you want to save your marriage, the more likely you won't be able to.
> 
> ...


This is spot on. 7663, read this again.

Your in a really bad spot, the worst possible. This is going to be very brutal and will not end quickly. If you choose to fight for this marriage, I commend you. But, I do suggest you make sure you understand the reality your facing.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't get it out of your head. It is now part of you, and part of your new life.

Your old world with a faithful wife that you implicitly trust is gone forever.

she killed it, and know that she did it willingly.

ok, so now you want to start up a new marriage with her.

Just popping to therapy isn't enough, you need to squash the root of what in her let her at 20 months and kids have a conscience that let her without remorse or guilt actively go out and find men to start relationships - emotional and physical with.

Marriage therapy will teach you how to better communicate to one another.

But in this case, you MUST fix what it inside her that both motivated and let her do this. Why? Not for revenge, but to prevent it from happening again.

Most people would still very much be in the honeymoon phase at 20 months. Most people would too busy with small kids to find and foster romantic relationships. She internally found the motivation to throw off those restrictions and go on the prowl.

If you don't deal with that - then she will do it again. Maybe not next year, but in a couple, and then a couple after that. 

You also need to fully get disclosure of what has happened this time. So you know what you are really dealing with. I know you want it just go away. It won't. So deal with head on like an man, or it will come back to bite you later.

Get her to take a polygraph test along with STD tests. Get the full truth - not what she claims through tears to be the truth. I mean the actually truth, not what she is willing to offer up after you show her proof.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If you don't set deal-breaker boundaries for yourself (i.e. Have sex with another man and I'm filing for divorce, etc) and are willing to enforce them, then it is just a matter of time before she goes out again and seeks the attention of another man. Consider yourself warned.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

One thing you must do is verify everything. There is no reason to believe your wife is doing anything differently than other cheating spouses.

There are different tools you must use at this point and there is no way around it, since you are out of town so much.

Put a keylogger on her computer
Get all passwords to facebook, phones ,email accts, etc
Put a VAR under her car seat with velcro and anywhere she may go to phone the OM
Put a Gps tracker on her phone and car
Get texts from phone depending on brand
Get all phone/test records

99% of cheaters lie, then lie some more. You can not believe anything at this point. 

Never tell her how you know anything you find out. 

Best of luck on reconcilliation.

PS leave divorce papers out where she doesn't forget them. That was the best thing you did.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bryanp and Morituri have given you stellar advice.

I am also a pilot, flying for a national airline. Aviation Induced Divorce Syndrome runs rampant. I have heard a whole lot of stories about cheating wives from my fellow crewmembers. In my observations the rate of pilots cheating on their wives is very low, but wives cheating on pilots is very high. I have my theories on that, that pilots today are not the swashbuckler heavy drinking womanizer barn stormers of the movies. You cannot make it in this industry without being dedicated, responsible, and hard working. We know what we are risking with our careers if we screw up. So the same kind of mentality applies to the rest of our lives. Plus we value time at home, as it is our prize for getting to the end of the trip.

But the wives? Many have a different attitude. They see the lifestyle as affording them plenty of "me time", and they can easily drift into affairs with neighbors, coworkers, old boyfriends, etc. With hubby away in a hotel it is pretty safe to carry on an affair.

Are you away for long stretches at a time, like with an overseas cargo hauler? Or do you work the typical airline schedule of 3 and 4 day trips? Part of fixing your marriage will be to make your schedule more family friendly. This will probably mean a pay cut and/or putting off upgrade or transition so that you can retain seniority in bidding.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you also have to consider that your job will make it difficult to verify her whereabouts and makes it all the much easier to for her to go underground with her cheating


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dude, to answer your question. You will NEVER be able to lose the images of your W f88king the other man..... NEVER. With time , it may ease up, but it will always be in the back of your mind, ready to come out, when triggered. You really are in a hard place. She is bored, and you are gone a lot, and nothing encourages infidelity as much as boredom and absence. She is a proven cheater, so there is no possible way she can guarantee that it will not happen again. Sure, she is being transparent now, but that's because she has been caught, and there is really no way you can prove it even if she was still cheating, is there? You have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to live for years to come? You can nver trust her, you are not home enough to be able to verify, and she is easily able to hide her cheating, and she knows that you won't divorce her. So answer this question, honestly. Why would she stop? You need to divorce her and get a woman of integrity. If you do the divorce right, your kids will be minimally effected, and you can still maintain a positive set of values for them.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

If the dynamic doesn't change, neither will the behavior. She will continue to cheat if you continue to be gone. Done deal.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

An affair is never an acceptable thing as far as I believe but I can grant a tiny bit of latitude to folks who have been together for a long period of time. I would not condone it in any way but I can understand it. 

However, considering you have been married less than 2 years, I would really think this through. In that short of an amount of time, she cheats, i would not be surprised if she was never that committed to the marriage int he 1st place. If that is the case, better to move on now and recover than to do it after 10 or 15 years of unhappy marriage.

Q~


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Affair this early in the marriage is a very bad sign, and I am sure you are aware of it. I would advise you to seek D and save the heartache down the line, but you are set to make this M work so I guess we have to respect that. 

As for the mind movies of what she did with OM, there is not much you can do. However, knowing exactly what they did without a shred of doubt that you are missing anything, although painful, should help you process what happened and heal faster than otherwise. In other words, you must have the absolute truth and the details of what exactly happened so that you would not add anything more out of your imagination. 

To achieve this, you must ask for a timeline where she states all the details, even every single sordid sex act they performed, in a chronological order. Also, demand that your W take polygraph. By agreeing to poly, she would show her remorse and willingness to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage and help put your mind at ease. 

Polygraph also has a side effect of letting W realize that she cannot carry on a secret thinking she can take it to her grave, as she realize there is this tool available that can drag out the truth when subjected to it. 

I know you don't want D, but D card is what you have to be willing to play in order to keep her in line. Take a strong stance if you are serious in fixing this. Remember the odds are stacked against you as she has shown her permiscuous tendancy this early combined with the fact she is physically attractive. This should be all or nothing effort on your part.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I don't know where you've been reading advice on here to be a father figure etc - but that's not our usual advice.
> 
> First STOP making excuses for her cheating, and stop blaming yourself. She cheated because she choose to and wanted to.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Nailed it.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

*Three times is not a mistake*...
And its just funny how they will be transparent and everything else after they screw everything up, because infidelity is something that you cant undo....you know,sex is not the worst part...for me the worst part is all that energy that she used to make lies and disrespect her husband and make a fool of him and how she didn't care about her children and their future...

As for the mind movies,they will not go away for a long time,maybe never...and after some months or years you will find a way to forgive her but you will never forget what she has done to your family...

Personaly I would divorce her if I was you because the marriage is dead and it will never be as it was,but its up to you and whatever you decide I wish you luck...


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## seven66three (Dec 1, 2011)

@Thor

Yeah I don't hear much from other pilots about cheating wires. Im part of a 40 ish pilot group running 135 and 91. Schedule isn't bad, but it is stressful on my wife. She is very dependent on me for a multitude of things. And I just started this job 3 months ago. There is no excuse in this world for cheating, but a big move, no friends, a husband gone, a new born, and a three year old can stress anybody out. And when she can get attention and feel like she is wanted and loved, I can see her doing what she did. BUT IT IS STILL WRONG. Communication could have fixed this. And different parents raising her too.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

seven66three said:


> @Thor
> 
> Yeah I don't hear much from other pilots about cheating wires. Im part of a 40 ish pilot group running 135 and 91. Schedule isn't bad, but it is stressful on my wife. She is very dependent on me for a multitude of things.* And I just started this job 3 months ago.* There is no excuse in this world for cheating, but a big move, no friends, a husband gone, a new born, and a three year old can stress anybody out. And when she can get attention and feel like she is wanted and loved, I can see her doing what she did. BUT IT IS STILL WRONG. Communication could have fixed this. And different parents raising her too.



Married for about 1 1/2 years, started cheating in the last 3 months. Not a good sign for the long term future together. You're way too early in a marriage for her to abandon it and her kids welfare so easily.

If her way of handling stress is to cheat, then realize there will be more stresses in the future.

Your wife's ability to handle her own situation and her moral standards are really poor. Her lack of ethics is troubling.

You need to realize people can't change or turn themselves around instantly. It'll take a while, maybe years, for someone with such ethical issues to reform. And probably only when they bear the heavy consequences can they realize they should change. True remorse is what your wife need. But how will she achieve that?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

20 months? I misread it as 20 years. Wow. That is too early. How old is she?

Here is a question. Are you sure that it was just 3 times?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

seven66three said:


> @Thor
> 
> Yeah I don't hear much from other pilots about cheating wires. Im part of a 40 ish pilot group running 135 and 91. Schedule isn't bad, but it is stressful on my wife. She is very dependent on me for a multitude of things. And I just started this job 3 months ago. There is no excuse in this world for cheating, but a big move, no friends, a husband gone, a new born, and a three year old can stress anybody out. And when she can get attention and feel like she is wanted and loved, I can see her doing what she did. BUT IT IS STILL WRONG. Communication could have fixed this. And different parents raising her too.


A couple of thoughts overnight for you. First, you are not nearly angry enough at her. It is her fault. We all contribute our half to the dysfunction of a marriage, but it is her responsibility as an adult to communicate to you any problems.

I know our career lifestyle is not marriage friendly. But, it can be if the other person approaches it with a positive approach on the good aspects. For example, pilots may be gone for a 3 day trip, but then we're home without work obligation for 3 or 4 days. I did a hell of a lot of classroom volunteer stuff with my kids, for example, which normal 9-5 office job dads can't do.

Having been around a while, I'm 51, and seen how things work, I have a couple of suggestions for you.

First, the post-nup is a stellar idea. With her history of multiple affairs you have no reason not to insist on a post nup as a condition of remaining married. Your job currently is probably at the entry level. We hear these rumors of mass retirements and mass hirings at the majors, so your income is going to go up in a few years. If you find out ten years from now that she has been cheating again, you don't want to be on the hook for a lifetime of alimony based on your major airline salary!

Second, get your kids paternity tested. If you poke around the internet you'll find that the incidence of kids not belonging to the husband is pretty high. In your wife's case there would be good reason to expect a high risk. You consider the kids yours, and they will emotionally always be yours. You aren't likely to disown them. But if they are not yours there are significant potential $ issues ahead for you and for the dna donor, especially if you end up divorced. Plus, your kids have a right to know eventually their accurate dna parentage.

I agree with the many comments that with this level of infidelity so early in a relationship there is very little chance of her remaining faithful in the future. I would seriously consider being a good ender now.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

3 times in 20 months in my world means there was never a time in your marriage, with the exception of childbirth, that your wife wasn't in or looking for affairS.


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## seven66three (Dec 1, 2011)

I don't know if I'm explaining the situation clearly. I believe she needed t have time to herself, and the bar was the place for it for her. I do not believe that she went there looking for guys. The 3 times were within a week with the same person. Not over a 20 month period. I understand that she cannot be trusted. I have put a hidden app on her phone giving me all her messages, calls, call recordings, and her location when she does any of those things. She is going to get tested for STDs. But as far as getting the children tested, there is no denying they are mine. Yes I have my suspicions about before the affair and the coming months and years after the affair, but I love her with all of my heart. And I believe she loves me. And as long as I believe that, I will make this relationship work. She made the most terrible mistake of her life, and she knows that if she even looks at another man the wrong way, then we are over. She knows what her actions will get her, if it happens again.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

7663 - We hear ya, but PLEASE take THORS advice. Your LOVE feelings are interfering with your BRAIN messages that have been telling you that she's not in love with you as much as she is with other men. That should say something. 

Following THORS advice won't mean you can't love her any less than you do, it will just make sure that you will minimize the price down the road for her continued infidelity. Some people just don't have it in them to be monogamous - even if they want the fantasy of marriage and a "perfect" family. All the stories online point to the high probability that your W is one of those. Protect yourself, then you can resume your fantasy.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

seven66three said:


> I don't know if I'm explaining the situation clearly.


No, your explaining it clearly. Your not understanding it clearly. 

Don't take that personally. To some degree that's a perfectly normal/common initial response. Your emotionally comprimised. "smog".


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Well, I for one never understood those Hs who seem OK with W hitting bars.


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## Amita Coaching (Dec 2, 2011)

It sounds from your two posts like your really love your wife and want to stay married.

I know couples that have had infidelity in their relationship and worked past it into a committed relationship, so it is possible.

Trust is like a bank account, and right now you are in serious dept. It is going to take a lot of 'trust deposits' to even get your account back up to 0, and then you'll need to start building that trust. It is going to take commitment, time and effort from both of you. 

All of our actions as human beings are in an effort to get a need met. Granted, sometimes those actions are ineffective or have dire consequences. That is why it is important to learn how to meet our own needs (without relying on another), and to discover, within ourselves how to create a thriving, winning life. When we do this, we attract to us people and situations that are also thriving and filled with positivity.

I think counseling or coaching is a great option for you guys. 

Remember, what you focus on is what you get more of. If you want to get more love and trust in your relationship – put your focus there. This does not mean to ignore the bad stuff – on the contrary – to do this would be to live in a fantasy and not in reality. Focusing on what you want for yourself and for your wife just changes the place you’re coming from. What do you want for your wife? Happiness, acceptance, fulfillment? Intimacy? If so, it changes, “How could you!?!” to “Wow, what need where you trying to meet that you had to do that?” It also changes how you regard yourself, What do you want for yourself? What needs are you meeting, what belief systems are you satisfying, by accepting this kind of behavior from your wife? These are all great questions, and hopefully your counselor of coach will help you guys explore this.

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

seven66three said:


> I don't know if I'm explaining the situation clearly. *I believe she needed t have time to herself, and the bar was the place for it for her.* I do not believe that she went there looking for guys. The 3 times were within a week with the same person. Not over a 20 month period. I understand that she cannot be trusted. I have put a hidden app on her phone giving me all her messages, calls, call recordings, and her location when she does any of those things. She is going to get tested for STDs. But as far as getting the children tested, there is no denying they are mine. Yes I have my suspicions about before the affair and the coming months and years after the affair, but I love her with all of my heart. And I believe she loves me. And as long as I believe that, I will make this relationship work. She made the most terrible mistake of her life, and she knows that if she even looks at another man the wrong way, then we are over. She knows what her actions will get her, if it happens again.


OMG. What an incredible statement. She needed time to herself so she went to a public place and drank alcohol where guys hit on women to be alone and we are surprised she cheated three times!? First off I think drinking alone very often is a bad idea. I usually have a drink or two with friends. A decent looking woman alone in a bar is going to get hit on often. She is not going to find herself there. She is going to find a man. 


UFB


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Seven, you are still making excuses for her. If she needed time for herself, there are plenty of places she could have gone, besides a bar. By going to a bar alone, she was advertising her availability, no two ways about it. She is just trying to give you a snow job, and you're buying into it, by blaming yourself, your job......everything but her lack of boundaries around men. I would seriously consider if this was the only occasion. She doesn't sound like good marriage material to me.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> OMG. What an incredible statement. She needed time to herself so she went to a public place and drank alcohol where guys hit on women to be alone and we are surprised she cheated three times!? First off I think drinking alone very often is a bad idea. I usually have a drink or two with friends. A decent looking woman alone in a bar is going to get hit on often. She is not going to find herself there. She is going to find a man.
> 
> 
> UFB


The whole idea of going to bar is rarely just drinking alcohol; it is more about seeking social interactions. The kind of interaction that is very inappropriate for a married woman. So, was she hitting the bar to enjoy drinking solo or to enjoy the male attention? I say the latter.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

seven66three said:


> The 3 times were within a week with the same person. Not over a 20 month period. I understand that she cannot be trusted. I have put a hidden app on her phone giving me all her messages, calls, call recordings, and her location when she does any of those things. She is going to get tested for STDs. But as far as getting the children tested, there is no denying they are mine.


This is difficult right now for you to accept, but there is nothing she says which you should believe. Without 3rd party verification you should be healthily skeptical.

Did she tell you it was one guy 3 times? Is there any outside confirmation of that? Is there any other gut feeling of yours at other times? OK there is no way to know what you don't know, but the point is that you only have her word on what happened. So many times it seems that more info comes out later about other infidelities.

Get yourself tested for STDs. You have no way to verify that she didn't infect you and then she got treated afterwards. Even if she just got antibiotics for something else without knowing she was infected. A lot of nasty STDs can have no real symptoms. Protect yourself and get tested.

Kudos for the cell phone app.

Whether to test the kids is difficult. Having peace of mind may be worth it even if you feel certain they are yours. Another factor to consider is that it is super simple to test them now when they are young, but in 10 years it will not be possible to do the test without some kind of explanation. It is not a simple or pleasant thing to consider having your kids dna tested, so I am just suggesting not to reject it without really being sure you are ok without doing the test.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you checked her texts, facebook, email accts? Do you have all her passwords?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Its pretty much unheard of for someone to stop an EA coldturkey with out showing obvious withdrawal signs. Yes, just like a drug addict. If she hasn't shown any, beware the affair has gone underground.

Definitely time for a poly.


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