# Possible separation forthcoming...



## az_lastchance (Feb 20, 2011)

Long time reader, first time poster. Like others, never thought I'd find myself in this situation...

As the subject implies...my wife and I may be staring down the barrel of a trial separation in the coming days or weeks. I am **terrified** that the day she walks out will be the last day we're "together". Without replaying every moment of our marriage...here are the low-lights:

*Married for 6 1/2 years. Together for a little over 9 years.
*No kids (thankfully for their sake)
*Occasional problems from the start (specifically she wanted more intimacy, attention, less input from me trying to control her life)
*Problems usually solved temporarily, then would re-surface in a couple of weeks or months. 
*I was usually too selfish to see that I needed to listen to her and FIX things, not just sweep them under the rug.
*Had major problems 2 years ago. Entered counseling. Divorce and separation were both on the table. Luckily my job transferred me out of state and the trial separation happened inadvertently.
*Reunited after 7 month hiatus. We had seen each other monthly and talked daily during those 7 months. Overall, these may have been the 7 best months of our marriage. For her she liked the freedom it afforded her. For me it gave me a renewed sense of love for her. 2 very different reasons. Problems re-surfaced shortly after reunification.
*Things came to a head around New Years. She told me she was emotionally pulling away. I freaked out and got pretty depressed for 2 weeks. (Been depressed for about 2 years, didn't realize it until then)
*Scheduled depression therapy for myself, but my wife didn't feel like I did it timely enough following our conversation
*Scheduled marriage counseling. She is currently attending it with me, but she admits that she is "emotionally checked out" and really only going because she feels she owes it to the marriage. I've head the typical "I love you, but not in love WITH you" phrase.
*Things have not improved between the two of us so far (3 sessions). Not expecting a miracle overnight. I would also say that things have not gotten worse, but any "deep" conversation that we have usually ends in frustration on her part. Our best and most meaningful conversations together only happen bi-weekly at therapy
*I have my suspicions that she is seeing someone else on the side, someone who is fulfilling her emotional needs that I've been unable to. I do not believe it has reached the "intimate" stage yet. I also have no concrete evidence to back these suspicions aside from reading some of her texts, but it's just one of those "feelings".

I deeply love my wife. I've had a hard time showing that to her over the years, but I know with absolute certainty that I love her and want to remain married to her. I understand that we both need to make changes in our lives to make this marriage work out, but at the same time I feel like I'm fighting such an uphill battle with her being emotionally checked out and possibly seeing someone on the side. Every time I tell her that "I get it!" and that I'm "all in", she's skeptical (rightfully so given my history). The topic of a separation came up a few weeks ago but we both determined that it'd be best to stay together in our house and just separate where we sleep. We still share meals together (in front of the TV) and make small talk, but we're essentially roommates at this point.

Since nothing has gotten better between the two of us, I'm seriously considering bringing up the separation discussion again before things actually get worse. My other alternative is to lay low and shift into a "roommate-only" mentality. I know for a fact she would jump at the opportunity to move out to remove her from the situation, but at the same time I'm terrified to see her go. I have my doubts she'd ever come back and in some ways...having her as a roommate is better than not having her at all. I'm truly at a loss for what to do.

If we separate, we would also separate our finances. Luckily I would have no problem making payments for the house, all the utilities, and could even pay for "half" of our communal debts (credit card, car loans). She will not be so lucky with her salary. Part of me would like her to try and make it on her own, see that I do have some sort of value in her life (aside from strictly money), then come back to me. But I fear she'd just fake it and rack up debt before coming back.

She's checked out, I'm all in. We're spinning our wheels and going nowhere. I desperately want this to work out but I'm concerned that there is NOTHING I can do at this point. Can anyone give me the smallest bit of advice regarding bringing up the separation discussion again? The more she pulls away the more inevitable it seems. I'm just scared that it's the beginning of the end.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

As with any open forum, you will get responses from some of us who have been in similar situations and maybe from the other side of the issue. Mine is from that point of view: a husband (now ex) who swore he loved me but never showed it despite express communication on my part about what I needed. So, knowing that, just consider what I write and dismiss it if it does not seem useful.

I'm fairly suspicious when someone says they love someone but have not LIVED it--I suspect they loved what they got from the other person and don't want to lose that, but they do not truly love the other person for who s/he IS. 

The fact that you are *terrified* about losing her also makes me wonder--do you love HER, or do you just need someone around to make you feel good about yourself, to give you what you need, no matter who they really are? I would expect someone losing a loved one to feel sad, not fearful. 

If my questions ring a bell for you, then perhaps you are very needy and, b/c your insecurity is so great, you don't really love her--you just want her to take care of you, to fill your need to feel good about yourself b/c someone else loves (or seemed to love) you. Does having her give you the feeling that you are ok and worthwhile? Does losing her mean you will feel s*hitty about yourself? If so, she may have picked up on this--she's needed to support your poor sense of self-worth, but as an individual, she's not really all that important to you.

If this seems like a possible direction to explore, consider individual counseling to work on your self-esteem. If nothing else, it will help you develop a sense of self-worth that will get you through a separation/divorce, IF that is what happens. 

If not, then just ignore everything I wrote! It's all based on my experience and may be totally off target for you. Either way, good luck!


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think you're correct. Separation might have to happen. 

Things also went well during my separation like they did in your first.

My advise is to REALLY work hard at MC. If you do get separated, hopefully it goes well again, and you are able to also make lasting changes that will help improve your marriage. MC is hard work and takes time. 

I really think you can make this work. I posted in reconciliation what worked for me. We spent 10 months in counseling, 2 months separated, and things are great now.


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## oldbill43 (Feb 11, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> As with any open forum, you will get responses from some of us who have been in similar situations and maybe from the other side of the issue. Mine is from that point of view: a husband (now ex) who swore he loved me but never showed it despite express communication on my part about what I needed. So, knowing that, just consider what I write and dismiss it if it does not seem useful.
> 
> I'm fairly suspicious when someone says they love someone but have not LIVED it--I suspect they loved what they got from the other person and don't want to lose that, but they do not truly love the other person for who s/he IS.
> 
> ...


That is one AMAZING post my friend, rings many bells.


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