# My husband is Paranoid!



## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

I need some help, some advice. My husband is extremely jelous and I don't know how to get thru to him. He has this idea that I have been talking to my ex-boyfriend or/and planning a reconciliation with him based on something that he says he saw. I have no idea what he is talking about. He says to me, "I know you know what I am talking about and until you come clean and tell me the truth, I am not talking to you and this relationship cannot go on". I keep asking him, what he is referring to, and he won't tell me, he says he wants me to come to him and tell him everything. I don't know what the heck he is talking about!!! How can you accuse someone of something and not say what that "something" is? He is crazy! 

We've been married for 12 years, been together for a total of 15 years and have 2 children. He is threatning on leaving the house, he is looking for a place to live, because he says I am not honest with him and don't trust him enough to tell him what he wants to know.

Am I crazy for expecting that he comes to me and say "I saw/heard/observed XYZ and need more clarification, would you tell me what it was about?" But he won't! He will simply say, "until you are ready to confess, tell me the truth about what you know I want to know, then we can not go any further."

My husband is paranoid, I don't know what else to do, how to get thru to him and explain that what he is doing and the way he is behaving is stupid!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

You need to sit down and talk with your husband about the state of your marriage, what you and him are unhappy about.

Is there anything that he might be legitimately jealous about, like talking to old BFS on fb for example?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> We've been married for 12 years, been together for a total of 15 years and have 2 children. He is threatning on leaving the house, he is looking for a place to live, because he says I am not honest with him and don't trust him enough to tell him what he wants to know.
> 
> Am I crazy for expecting that he comes to me and say "I saw/heard/observed XYZ and need more clarification, would you tell me what it was about?" But he won't! He will simply say, "until you are ready to confess, tell me the truth about what you know I want to know, then we can not go any further."
> 
> ...


It sounds as if your husband may be having and affair and wants to push you out. 

My husband did the same during his affair. He kept accusing me of cheating. He had no evidence either but he kept accusing. 

He also, started major fights as an excuse to storm out of the house to see the OW. 

He also at one point said he thought we should divorce because he suspected I was having an affair. 

We of course had a fight about that and he then claimed he did not want a divorce but still stormed out of the house.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When was the last time you had any contact at all with your ex?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

He definitely sounds like he's projecting his own unfaithfulness on you. The best defense is offense, so go on the assumption that he's having an affair. With this in mind, place a VAR (voice activated recorder) underneath his car seat. Be sure to use heavy duty velcro. 

You might also want to check your phone statements and see if you can find any discrepancies that point to him having an affair.

Of course, I'm going on the assumption that you are indeed not having an affair.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Call his bluff and tell him to move out----right now all he does is throw words at you----words may hurt, but in all reality, they are meaningless---it is actions that count.

Also ask him for some concrete evidence---if he has none---then tell him enuff is enuff---in fact you should make a counter demand of him---if he wants to keep this mge. in tact----he needs to go to IC, and get rid if his jealousy issues

If you truly have nothing to hide, then let him know FORCEFULLY---and yes I have to agree with the one poster that said---maybe he is pulling an exitA/his own A., on you, and he is demonizing you to cover it up----maybe you want to start your own investigation into his activities!!!!!


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

I am definitely not having an affair and I believe he isn't having one either. We are very happy with each other except for the fact that he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back. I did cheat on him b4 we were married but hav explained that I didn't take our relationship seriously back then that after we got married I didn't need anyone else but him. And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook, and if that's so then I wish he would tell me!! But he won't! He will just say, I know what u did and u have to fess up to it. Which that brings me to a different problem.....Why is he spying on me or going over my accts annonymously???.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

@jnj express- you know u hav a valid point. His actions, mistrust and accusations make me so paranoid! I feel no privacy in my own home, it's like when I'm home alone I feel that he is recording me or the conversations I hav with my girlfriends. I always feel I am being watched. There was one time I discovered that he was in fact videotaping me. He had a camera pointed to my bed. When I found out I was in shock!! I brought it up to him and he said that it would turn him on watching me playing with myself (sexually) if were to do that at any point. But I explained to him that it was totally unacceptable and I felt that my privacy was being violated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back... I did cheat on him b4 we were married .... And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> I am definitely not having an affair and I believe he isn't having one either. We are very happy with each other except for the fact that he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back. I did cheat on him b4 we were married but hav explained that I didn't take our relationship seriously back then that after we got married I didn't need anyone else but him. And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook, and if that's so then I wish he would tell me!! But he won't! He will just say, I know what u did and u have to fess up to it. Which that brings me to a different problem.....Why is he spying on me or going over my accts annonymously???.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok so you had contact with one of your ex’s. That is most likely what he is talking about. So why aren’t you bringing that up to him? Is this the ex you cheated with before you were married?

If you want any chance at all of saving your marriage you need to tell him about the facebook exchange with your ex. And then give him the passwords to all of your online accounts, your cell, etc. You have a history of cheating. Your husband has bouts of feeling emotionally unsafe because of this. 

There should be complete transparency in marriage.. that means no secrets. If you want him to trust you, you have to trust him enough to give him total access to your life. And he has to give you complete access to his stuff.

Why is he spying? Because he does not feel safe with you for good reasons. Why should it bother you if he has access to your accounts? Do you have something to hide from him?


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

About one year ago, I received this e-mail from an annonymous person who said that they hav discovered through some conversations that I have had with my sister thru e-mail chat that I had intentions on cheating on my husband and if I didn't come to him and talked to him about it, that person would send the copy of that chat to my husband so it was warning me to talk to him about it. Attached to this e-mail was a copy of the chat, how creepy is that? I started believing that someone was stalking me! I brought it up to my husband and he didnt believe me, he beloved the e-mail and tnsisted that I tell the truth, but there was no truth, it was a simple private chat between my sister and I and we were talking crap. Since then our marriage hasn't been the same, he doesn't trust me and I am beginning not to trust him in return. Everyone told me that my husband had sent that email and I asked him several times and he said no. Thinking back to it now I wonder if he was lying and it was in fact him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> @jnj express- you know u hav a valid point. His actions, mistrust and accusations make me so paranoid! I feel no privacy in my own home, it's like when I'm home alone I feel that he is recording me or the conversations I hav with my girlfriends. I always feel I am being watched. There was one time I discovered that he was in fact videotaping me. He had a camera pointed to my bed. When I found out I was in shock!! I brought it up to him and he said that it would turn him on watching me playing with myself (sexually) if were to do that at any point. But I explained to him that it was totally unacceptable and I felt that my privacy was being violated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Video taping you in your bedroom with a hidden camera is way over the top. You have a very unhealthy relationship. Both of you are problems that are contributing to this.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> I am definitely not having an affair and I believe he isn't having one either. We are very happy with each other except for the fact that he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back. I did cheat on him b4 we were married but hav explained that I didn't take our relationship seriously back then that after we got married I didn't need anyone else but him. And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook, and if that's so then I wish he would tell me!! But he won't! He will just say, I know what u did and u have to fess up to it. Which that brings me to a different problem.....Why is he spying on me or going over my accts annonymously???.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was totally blindsided by my husband's affair. 

i thought he was acting odd due to job stress.

We had a good marriage, too, or so I thought. 

He was always telling me what a great wife I was and how lucky he was to have a wife like me. We were good partners, etc, yadda yadda. 

We had problems typical of a 20 year marriage. 

I think maybe he thought he was lucky to have me because I was such a trusting naive dimwit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> About one year ago, I received this e-mail from an annonymous person who said that they hav discovered through some conversations that I have had with my sister thru e-mail chat that I had intentions on cheating on my husband and if I didn't come to him and talked to him about it, that person would send the copy of that chat to my husband so it was warning me to talk to him about it. Attached to this e-mail was a copy of the chat, how creepy is that? I started believing that someone was stalking me! I brought it up to my husband and he didnt believe me, he beloved the e-mail and tnsisted that I tell the truth, but there was no truth, it was a simple private chat between my sister and I and we were talking crap. Since then our marriage hasn't been the same, he doesn't trust me and I am beginning not to trust him in return. Everyone told me that my husband had sent that email and I asked him several times and he said no. Thinking back to it now I wonder if he was lying and it was in fact him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So this person had a copy of a real chat that went on between you and your sister?

What was in the chat, what were you and your sister talking about that could be taken to mean you were thinking of cheating?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

He's probably still has some trust issues over the pre-marriage affair 
and may be hyper-vigilante now when you're in contact with exes.


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

@elegirl- this is not the same boyfriend I cheated with when we were dating and mind u this is when I was 18 years old, so I wasn't taking the relationship with my now husband seriously. He does hav access to my accts, but I would feel that he does not hav the need to be snooping around if he feels secure in the relationship which he should. And in fact if he saw something he felt eas innapropriate, he should come to me and say exactly what it was and spell it out but he won't . Mind u he has his ex girlfriend in his Facebook acct and I am ok with it. I trust him and the fact that he wants to stay with me, I'm not forcing him, he is married of free will. I don't want him to be faithful to me because I am spying on him and keeping him in check. I want him to be faithful to me because that is the right thing to do, because he feels like it and because by doing so, he expects the same of me. So I feel, he should treat me the same. But acting the way he is, he is just pushing me away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> @elegirl- this is not the same boyfriend I cheated with when we were dating and mind u this is when I was 18 years old, so I wasn't taking the relationship with my now husband seriously. He does hav access to my accts, but I would feel that he does not hav the need to be snooping around if he feels secure in the relationship which he should. And in fact if he saw something he felt eas innapropriate, he should come to me and say exactly what it was and spell it out but he won't . *Mind u he has his ex girlfriend in his Facebook acct and I am ok with it. I trust him *and the fact that he wants to stay with me, I'm not forcing him, he is married of free will. I don't want him to be faithful to me because I am spying on him and keeping him in check. I want him to be faithful to me because that is the right thing to do, because he feels like it and because by doing so, he expects the same of me. So I feel, he should treat me the same. But acting the way he is, he is just pushing me away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you want to remain married, you best have him remove her as a friend. Exes should not be a part of your marriage.

(By the way, most people on this site once thought that their marriage was fine and that their spouse wouldn't cheat on them.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> @elegirl- this is not the same boyfriend I cheated with when we were dating and mind u this is when I was 18 years old, so I wasn't taking the relationship with my now husband seriously. He does hav access to my accts, but I would feel that he does not hav the need to be snooping around if he feels secure in the relationship which he should. And in fact if he saw something he felt eas innapropriate, he should come to me and say exactly what it was and spell it out but he won't . Mind u he has his ex girlfriend in his Facebook acct and I am ok with it. I trust him and the fact that he wants to stay with me, I'm not forcing him, he is married of free will. I don't want him to be faithful to me because I am spying on him and keeping him in check. I want him to be faithful to me because that is the right thing to do, because he feels like it and because by doing so, he expects the same of me. So I feel, he should treat me the same. But acting the way he is, he is just pushing me away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You being 18 does not matter. At 18 you are an adult. You expected people to take you as an adult at that age right? You still cheated on him. I guess you have never experienced infidelity and what it does to a person. After a person is cheated on, they will often check on their spouse forever…. Not every day but from time to time. It takes 2 – 5 years for the betrayed person to mostly recover from infidelity. But every so often the betrayed person will get a sort of panic attack and look… at least many will.

My husband cheated on me 12 years ago.. right before and after we married. Recovery was hard but I go through it. But with the occasional panic attacks I would check… Say once a year. And guess what there was something every time I checked. He was having online affairs the whole time. We are divorced now for that and other reasons. 

Your husband does not trust you.. at least part of the time he does not trust you. You need to ask him what he needs from you to make him feel safe. 

I’ll ask again, what was in that chat between you and your sister? Why would that chat make him think you were thinking of cheating?


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

Thanks for all of your advice, it gets me to thinking about everything a lot!. @ EleGirl...I cant discuss the details of my conversation with my sister here...but she was saying things about, she was going to take me out to dance with other guys, on the chat my reply was "lol", we were just playing around and talking mess, girlfriends do that, talk stupid things just among ourselves, knowing that we really wont do it,, but it was taken a whole different direction by my husband, he acted as my sister was trying to make me cheat on him and even stopped talking to her


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> Thanks for all of your advice, it gets me to thinking about everything a lot!. @ EleGirl...I cant discuss the details of my conversation with my sister here...but she was saying things about, she was going to take me out to dance with other guys, on the chat my reply was "lol", we were just playing around and talking mess, girlfriends do that, talk stupid things just among ourselves, knowing that we really wont do it,, but it was taken a whole different direction by my husband, he acted as my sister was trying to make me cheat on him and even stopped talking to her


I don't blame your husband for not talking to your sister. She wasn't acting like a friend of the marriage. Also, never put anything in electronic form (joking or not) that you would feel uncomfortable seeing on the front page of the New York Times.

(BTW, I still have over 200 pages of explicit emails between my ex and her lover. I probably won't do anything with them now but if she ever tries to blame me for the breakup of our marriage, I have my ace in the hole.)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Look, bottom line: there is no privacy in marriage. There is respect. There are boundaries. But no privacy. No secrets. None.

If you cannot get that through your head then maybe you should split with your husband, because unless there is full transparency between the two of you, this issue will keep coming up again and again and destroy what little of the relationship there is left.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sounds to me like you have the problem moreso than your husband. You cheated with one guy, have been talking to another ex-bf, and have been chatting about cheating to your sister. Why should your husband have to put up with this? The reason he is insecure in your marriage is that you are constantly doing inappropriate things that make him so. STOP talking to other men....period!! Stop discussing your marriage with ANYONE outside of it, including your sister. You say he is "pushing you away", does that mean that you are looking for an excuse to cheat again? Bottom line is that he has trust issues and you aren't making it any better by your actions.


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## jen1020 (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi there

I think you have a couple of issues within your marriage.

The first issue is that your husband is very controlling to a point where he is being completely over the top. Secretly video taping you? That is just scary. I also believe that he sent you that email, the one which was from an 'anonymous' person, to try to get you to confess to something he thought you had done.

However, you haven't helped the marriage by having your affair, albeit before you got married. It doesn't make it much better you know and it seems you have overstepped a few boundaries during your marriage by talking to ex's. 

Go check out a few websites about controlling behaviour such as drirene.com, this may help you understand more that your husband's actions are very unhealthy. 

Where do you go from here? Difficult question to answer. I would try to sit down with my husband again talk to him. Set a few more boundaries with regards to facebook and contacting ex's. But he also needs to address the problem he has with power and control.

Best wishes

Jen


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> Thanks for all of your advice, it gets me to thinking about everything a lot!. @ EleGirl...I cant discuss the details of my conversation with my sister here...but she was saying things about, she was going to take me out to dance with other guys, on the chat my reply was "lol", we were just playing around and talking mess, girlfriends do that, talk stupid things just among ourselves, knowing that we really wont do it,, but it was taken a whole different direction by my husband, he acted as my sister was trying to make me cheat on him and even stopped talking to her


I can see why your husband would get upset about the chat. From the little you said it sounds like it would be easy for your husband and anyone else to take is as disrespectful to your husband.. and it could have been taken as you agreeing to go out and dance with other guys... which most husbands would not be happy with. 

The rule to live by is to never, ever say anything that is disrespectful of your spouse. Even if you are upset with your spouse there are respectful ways to discuss it with others. Remember that everything that goes out over the internet can become public.

When your sister suggesting taking you out to dance with other guys, you would have been a lot better off to say that you were not interested in that. LOL makes it sound like you did not object.

You have most likely said more things in chat, email, facebook etc that your husband could be upset about. Perhaps rightfully so. I don't know as I'm not privy to the conversations. 

Be respectful and loving of your husband even when he is not present. Don't say things that you know will upset him... or go ahead and say them and own up to them.

IMHO, after a few of your posts here, I would bet my bottom dollar that you have said somethings online that imply, or directly state, that you are up to some things that your husband has valid concerns about. Now you will not respond to his questions because you are fishing to find out what he knows so that you can craft an answer to fit what he knows.

I too think that he sent that email about the chat with your sister. The guy is trying to figure out how to get you to talk and open up to him. 

And yes his secretly video tapeing you in the bedroom is just wrong and weird.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

The video-taping IS over the top, but there must be a reason for it. Nobody does that if they trust their partner, and you have to admit that you haven't been a very loving, trustworthy, and supportive wife, have you? You need to own your own actions and try to see where you can learn from this. Talking sh*t about your husband to your sister , isn't innocent , at all. It is really disrespectful and hurtful. If you want him to ever trust you, don't do distrustful or disrespectful things.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> Thanks for all of your advice, it gets me to thinking about everything a lot!. @ EleGirl...I cant discuss the details of my conversation with my sister here...but she was saying things about, she was going to take me out to dance with other guys, on the chat my reply was "lol", we were just playing around and talking mess, girlfriends do that, talk stupid things just among ourselves, knowing that we really wont do it,, but it was taken a whole different direction by my husband, he acted as my sister was trying to make me cheat on him and even stopped talking to her


I never joked around with a friend about dating someone else while married. 

In fact, I stopped seeing a few single friends because they wanted to go to single bars with me. 

Stop kidding yourself, this is wrong


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

It's pretty clear why he is paranoid.


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

Thank you so much to all of you to caring enough to give me some advice, it helps me put things into perspective. And I can assure u I have not cheated or had the desire to cheat of my husband while married, I just don't feel the need to. The reality is that noone is perfect and my husband and I have made mistakes in the past, part of it immaturity. I would like to believe that we have learned from our mistakes and would be ready move on by forgiving the past. My husband has acted inappropriate at times too, but since I forgave him, I don't hold that against him anymore if I want to leave my future peacefully. For example, one of my best friends had stopped talking to me all of the sudden and I could figure out why,she wouldn't answer my calls nor come over any longer. My husband admitted to me that while she was babysitting my kids while I was at work, my husband came home from work and made a pass at her, he tried to kiss her at my own house! Anyways, this is about 6 years ago and I forgave him and by forgiving I mean not bringing it up all the time or hold it against him. Like I said, no one is perfect and I don't believe in crucifying him because he has committed mistakes, and I would expect the same from him.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

let's see...


- you cheated pre-marriage
- you said in a chat with your sister that you would cheat at a club
- you have reconnected on facebook with an old flame
- you are clamoring for privacy all the while this is going on

I have no idea why he would be paranoid


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> Thank you so much to all of you to caring enough to give me some advice, it helps me put things into perspective. And I can assure u I have not cheated or had the desire to cheat of my husband while married, I just don't feel the need to. The reality is that noone is perfect and my husband and I have made mistakes in the past, part of it immaturity. I would like to believe that we have learned from our mistakes and would be ready move on by forgiving the past. My husband has acted inappropriate at times too, but since I forgave him, I don't hold that against him anymore if I want to leave my future peacefully. For example, one of my best friends had stopped talking to me all of the sudden and I could figure out why,she wouldn't answer my calls nor come over any longer. My husband admitted to me that while she was babysitting my kids while I was at work, my husband came home from work and made a pass at her, he tried to kiss her at my own house! Anyways, this is about 6 years ago and I forgave him and by forgiving I mean not bringing it up all the time or hold it against him. Like I said, no one is perfect and I don't believe in crucifying him because he has committed mistakes, and I would expect the same from him.


The plot thickens. You and your husband have some serious issues to deal with. I think marriage counseling for the two of you would help. Unless these issues are addressed, I don't see how the two of you are going to make it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> let's see...
> 
> 
> - you cheated pre-marriage
> ...


:iagree:

Either your husband is way over the top controlling or as I suspect Almost nailed it.

We are not given the chat messages but this is what I suspect. Your husband had a keylogger on your computer and got the text and then wrote you pretending to be someone who knew stuff. He went fishing and tried to get you to share this with your husband (I am sure this is your husband, because I think the same way). When that did not work he came to you directly and said come clean or I am leaving. He is still fishing. There was enough said in that chat that made him think you are cheating. That chat triggered something big time and I imagine if we saw that chat most of us here might come to the same conclusion (IMO). If my wife told one of her GFs on chat that she would like to bang so and so it would get my paranoia up big time and I might resort to some of the same tactics your husband used though I think the video in the bedroom was over the top, but if he did it there might be something that was said in that chat that drove him to do that.

If it was me I would sit down and go over that chat with your husband. Don't spin it. Try to understand the moment you were in at the time and be honest. I mean it. Be honest. If it was just silly talk then say it and let your husband come to his own conclusions. It there was more to it say it and tell your husband that you did not follow through with it and you are sorry that you even went there in conversation in chat. Say you went over the top and that you have created mistrust but nothing ever came of it, and you should have never gone there.

Take it from a guy who have become overly sensitive to this stuff. 2 years ago my wife could have just about said anything to her GFs on chat and it would not have bothered me. Now it does.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

He is not paranoid if you are really out to get him.


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

You need to look up Delusional jealousy disorder. It sounds as if your husband is acting the same as mine.I have been married for 20 years and for the past 2 it has been a total nightmare. According to him I have numerous sexual partners, I have sex after he leaves for work before I get ready for work, while my kids are asleep. I have sex in my car, vacant houses our motorhome, etc.. Now he can't decide if I am having sex with a man or woman. I can be with him 24/7 and he will still say I some how is cheating on him.
*This is a mental illness and from what I read the outcome is not good. *
I am on the verge of leaving him because he is getting violent. I have to get past the fact that he is mentally ill and I can't do anything for him, and I have been with him for over 20 years. 
Don't even try to convince him, he will start taking everything you say and distort it. My husband remembers things so insignificant from years ago that I can't even remember and turns them into enormous events. Please research the internet for *Delusional Jealousy Disorder*..
Do not listen to the people on here making comments about facebook and stuff. They have no idea what you are dealing with. 
We went to counseling 3 times and each time he insisted that I was trying to get the couselor on my side and that they thought I was the crazy one.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> I am definitely not having an affair and I believe he isn't having one either. We are very happy with each other except for the fact that he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back. I did cheat on him b4 we were married but hav explained that I didn't take our relationship seriously back then that after we got married I didn't need anyone else but him. And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook, and if that's so then I wish he would tell me!! But he won't! He will just say, I know what u did and u have to fess up to it. Which that brings me to a different problem.....Why is he spying on me or going over my accts annonymously???.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is likely it. I probably would have done the same thing if I was him.

If he was spying you, you proved that he needed to do this.

So you should unfriend AND block nay ex-lovers / boyfriends. 

I do not see him as paranoid. You cheated once albeit a long time ago and you have friended and are chatting to and EX on fb. Bad idea.

I do suggest you giuys do His Needs Her Needs together. Do the boundary setting as well. All sort so issues going on for sure. But having a good discussion about meeting each others needs and agreeing to boundaries could not hurt IMO.


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

Entropy3000

you obviously don't know what delusional jealous disorder is.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

hlk, you missed the part where she cheated on him years ago. Delusional?

No. He has trust issues, and he is fully justified in it.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If you want to remain married, you best have him remove her as a friend. Exes should not be a part of your marriage.
> 
> (By the way, most people on this site once thought that their marriage was fine and that their spouse wouldn't cheat on them.)


I totally agree! When my man cheated on me this was the only bit of advice my mum has ever given me about men (after the fact) and I am a big girl. 38 yrs and no advice until last year! Exes should not be a part of a new relationship! Staying in touch with exes is bad news.

Remove the exes!


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I posted above before reading all. I agree a lot with Almost Recovered. I was thinking along the same lines before I read his post. I think seeing that 'chat' has sent your husband into intense panic and he is now totally convinced you have done something behind his back...again. 

However hlk has a good point. Something like this flitted across my mind, but she obviously has experienced it and puts it so much better. I think also being cheated on can create this mass panic, terror, especially if you think it is still going on. Whether as far as a full blown mental illness or just feeling like you are losing it due to the nightmare you find yourself in...who knows. But you have shown a capability of this, no matter how long ago. And it obviously still affects him. The video on the bed shows a verging on mental disorder IMO. Even if you were doing something, video is way out there.

Most likely it could be a blend of the 2. Your previous cheat he has never got over due to his own issues, or he was sparked into spying action due to your behaviour...chats with ex on FB. And so now he has found stuff that has intensified and magnified all his fears to such a great degree that he is going slightly mad with it all. He has videoed you, keylogged your computer, spying on you. found no hard evidence and so is trying to 'force' it out of you with dubious emails and pretending to 'know'. The reason he isn't telling you what he 'knows' is because he doesn't know. As AR said. He is trying to get you to come clean. Serious problems. Drastic solutions needed. Talk and lay down boundaries and agreements for the rest of your future. Be understanding with him and kind. And hopefully he will believe you.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

hlk said:


> You need to look up Delusional jealousy disorder. It sounds as if your husband is acting the same as mine.I have been married for 20 years and for the past 2 it has been a total nightmare. According to him I have numerous sexual partners, I have sex after he leaves for work before I get ready for work, while my kids are asleep. I have sex in my car, vacant houses our motorhome, etc.. Now he can't decide if I am having sex with a man or woman. I can be with him 24/7 and he will still say I some how is cheating on him.
> *This is a mental illness and from what I read the outcome is not good. *
> I am on the verge of leaving him because he is getting violent. I have to get past the fact that he is mentally ill and I can't do anything for him, and I have been with him for over 20 years.
> Don't even try to convince him, he will start taking everything you say and distort it. My husband remembers things so insignificant from years ago that I can't even remember and turns them into enormous events. Please research the internet for *Delusional Jealousy Disorder*..
> ...


This disorder is rare. Treatment typically can reduce hostility but not much success on convincing the person that their partner is not having affairs. hlk - you need to distance yourself if he has become a violent person for your own safety and those around you.

Mental Health and Delusional Disorder

Perhaps these two men have the same problem and are related in their delusions but I am skeptical.


I would beg to differ about Facebook. In 2009 FB was listed in about 20% of divorces in the UK, today FB is mentioned in over 1/3 of divorces. Statistically FB has more to do with infidelity than any delusional disorder. Though I am not poking fun at anyone who has a spouse with a delusional disorder statistically FB has been a problem when it comes to infidelity. A delusional disorder can lead to divorce but I do not see the comparison other then the hel* hlk is going through being falsely accused of being unfaithful.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Thorburn, funny you mentioned the FB divorce stats. My marriage started to go downhill when my ex was contacted by an old BF on FB.

True irony for me would be for Zuckerberg's new bride's ex BF to contact her using Facebook.

(Of course, I wish them only the best.)


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

Wow hlk, your situation does sound like my husband a little bit. I do feel that he makes situations where it doesn't exist and we've been to counseling many times and he always says that, that the counselor is on my side, I'm shocked with the similar story you have


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## Patty SadWife (May 20, 2012)

To clarify a bit of the FB contact issue. This ex boyfriend of mine sent me an invite a couple of months ago. I declined it because thought that my husband wouldn't be ok with it. A couple of weeks later I found out that my husband had one of his ex girlfriends as a friend on his facebook. I brought it up to him and said that maybe it wasn't appropriate that he had her there and he tried to brush it off as if he didn't even remember he had accepted the invitation. Well, I didn't directly ask him to defriend her, but would assume that he would do the right thing on his own, I don't like to tell him what to do. Months go by and she is still there, so I go and send my ex-boyfriend and invite, you know, the one that i had declined.

The only direct conversation I had with him was....He messages me and said, "Oh, you accepted, it took you a while, nice to be in contact, we'll be in touch" and I said...."sure thing". He then said..."you should come watch our band play one one these days" (because he plays in a band)....so I said "where are you playing next weekend?"....he said then said the place to me and said he would put my name and +1 at the door. The same day I tell my ask my husband if he would be comfortable going with me to a club where my ex is playing. My husband says "NO" and starts getting upset. So I tell him, would you think about it and maybe consider going, he says, sure, I will think about it.

The next day my husband start flipping out and start interrogating me and asking me to tell him what i've been doing and for me to tell him the truth....there is no "truth" this is it! He start accusing me of planning a reconciliation with him.

If he doesn't want to go, that's fine, he should've said so and we wouldn't have gone and that would be the end of that. If he wants be to defriend this ex boyfriend, that is ok too, he just would have to ask me and of course defriend his ex as well...


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> To clarify a bit of the FB contact issue. This ex boyfriend of mine sent me an invite a couple of months ago. I declined it because thought that my husband wouldn't be ok with it. A couple of weeks later I found out that my husband had one of his ex girlfriends as a friend on his facebook. I brought it up to him and said that maybe it wasn't appropriate that he had her there and he tried to brush it off as if he didn't even remember he had accepted the invitation. Well, I didn't directly ask him to defriend her, but would assume that he would do the right thing on his own,* I don't like to tell him what to do.* Months go by and she is still there, so I go and send my ex-boyfriend and invite, you know, the one that i had declined.


You don't have to tell him what to do -- just ask nicely. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. So you didn't express your dislike of him friending an ex on FB and just assumed that he should have enough sense to defriend her. He doesn't do this and what do you do? You friend an ex, which further compounds the problem.

You need to give up this 40-year friendship for the sake of your marriage. Likewise, you need to 'ask' your husband to defriend his ex. Facebook ruined my marriage. (Actually, it didn't. My wife's lack of boundary ruined it.)


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

PS, what is evident to me (and I'm sure) to others is how poorly you and your husband communicate. You expect him to do this or that, he is mistrustful of your actions and why? Because neither of you take the time to explain anything to each other, and make assumptions based on nothing but feelings and drama. You both need some serious counseling.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Patty SadWife said:


> The same day I tell my ask my husband if he would be comfortable going with me to a club where my ex is playing. My husband says "NO" and starts getting upset. So I tell him, would you think about it and maybe consider going, he says, sure, I will think about it


Wtf? 

You both seem to have boundary issues. Why would you think it's ok to go see your ex boyfriend's band playing? And why do both of you keep exes on your Facebook? That is asking for trouble. Couple that with the fact you both have cheated on eachother and have trust issues--it's just adding salt to the wound. 

And... your husband videotaping you around the house is EXTREME and psycho, IMO. 

This marriage sounds very unhealthy.


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

*Please look up Delusional Jealousy disorder. These people that continue to comment and answer you on here have no idea what your husband or mine is doing. I don't care if this disorder is rare..Says who? 
Delusional Disorder/Jealousy Type? : Delusional Disorder Forum

There seems to be alot of people dealing with this issue. I read all of them and said to myself, these people are writing a journal about my life. 

*


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

*a Quote from another person dealing with this issue...*

You probably do not want to hear my response... first, do not take a lie detector test. I fell into exactly that same trap, wanting to prove my innocence to my beloved. Someone with DDJ will take anything, even the smallest innocous detail that most people would not even think twice about, and twist that into something that will help them justify their delusion. Bottom line, you cannot win. No lie detector test, MMPI, or any other type of test will ever prove your faithfullness. Someone with DDJ will always find some "shred" of "evidence" that they will use to convince them they are right.


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

another one

Re: Delusional Disorder/Jealousy Type?

by connie » Mon Jun 20, 2011 8:39 pm 

I have been reading this sight for the last hour and see my life in this. For the last 2 years my husband has been accusing me of having affairs. He even went to so far as to tell one man's wife that him and I were having an affair.And I know that as this man told me he talked with his wife. Let me say I have not ever in the 24 years we have been married ever even kissed another man. He believes I have these man come into my bed at night through our French doors. I can see my youngest sons bed when I lay in bed. And I tell him that there is not a mother on this planet that would do something like that when their 10 year old is 2 feet away.
The last 6 monthis it has gotten so bad he states he has even heard someone talking to me in bed, then running out of the house. I have found cameras set up in our bedroom and by our doors to catch someone.
Just last night he came in just mad because he heard our neighbors talking about how they see men coming and going all hours of the night from the house. So I am back on the rollercoaster with him. What is funny is that, there are times he has me questioning whether I did these things or not.. 
We did try seeing a couselor a few years ago, but he accused me of sleeping with him as well.
I xcan not talk to my friends about this as would never understand why I stay.


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## hlk (May 21, 2012)

Right now he is bringing up what you did when you were 18 and and old BF on facebook. Next it will be current friends, complete strangers if you look at them to long, tire marks in the drive way, hand prints on car windows, etc. If you try to talk to any one, he will say that you are trying to get these people on your side. Something triggered this behavior in him, and it is not your fault. Stress, Brain trauma, genetics.

*Here is so more information and quotes that I have found on this disorder.*
Healthy people become jealous only in response to firm evidence, are prepared to modify their beliefs and reactions as new information becomes available, and perceive a single rival. In contrast, morbidly jealous individuals interpret conclusive evidence of infidelity from irrelevant occurrences, refuse to change their beliefs even in the face of conflicting information, and tend to accuse the partner of infidelity with many others 

In a sample of 20 cases of delusional jealousy studied in California, Silva et al(1998) found that the average age at onset of psychosis was 28 years and that delusional jealousy began an average of 10 years later. 

Memories are revised and reinterpreted and the partner’s present actions are misinterpreted to produce an absolute conviction of repeated betrayal

Affective disorders complete the functional illnesses associated with delusions of infidelity. Depression, with accompanying subjective feelings of inadequacy and failure, may give rise to delusional jealousy or it may follow its onset. It may be difficult to decide whether depression is primary or secondary (Cobb & Marks, 1979). In one study of morbid jealousy, depression was present in more than half of the patients (Mullen & Maack, 1985). 


Distinguishing normal from obsessional jealousy (Marazziti et al, 2003)

The following are more extreme in obsessional jealousy:
•
time taken up by jealous concerns

•
difficulty in putting the concerns out of the mind

•
impairment of the relationship

•
limitation of the partner’s freedom

•
checking on the partner’s behaviour

• 

•The accused partner is assumed to be guilty until evidence of innocence is found, but this cannot materialise. Heroic efforts to prove innocence or disprove guilt must fail, as irrational preoccupations cannot be refuted rationally (Shepherd, 1961; Mooney, 1965; Seeman, 1979). 

• 

• It is recommended that more than one interview be conducted to assess the marital relationship, and that a sexual and domestic violence history be taken from both partners, who should be seen separately as well as together. 

• 

• 

Morbid jealousy is a symptom rather than a diagnosis. It may take the form of a delusion, an obsession or an overvalued idea, or combinations of these. The nature of its form, and other features evident from the history and mental state examination, should reveal the underlying diagnosis – or diagnoses – and allow appropriate management. Undoubtedly, alcohol misuse is an important association, and any substance misuse should be treated as a priority. 

Morbid jealousy has the potential to cause enormous distress to both partners within a relationship and to their family. It carries with it a risk of serious violence and suicide. Clearly, early identification and treatment are most important to prevent serious harm, and vigilance should be maintained. Risk management includes hospital admission of morbidly jealous individuals where necessary, together with taking steps to protect potential victims. The modern clinician has a variety of drug treatments and psychosocial approaches with which to tackle the disorder, and the prognosis may not be as bleak as was once thought. Given the potential for tragic consequences, morbid jealousy is a symptom to be treated vigorously. 

• 

•
by wifeofDDJ » Sun Dec 13, 2009 12:54 pm 

I agree that after your family has been destroyed by DDJ, what is at the root of the disease may seem no longer relevant. 

But for me, realizing that my husband is battling his OWN demons, brought on by his own psyche, and not triggered by any behavior of mine, was a huge realization, which in the end allowed me to get out of what became an abusive relationship.

When the DDJ first started, I believed that I caused the jealousy - that's what he said over and over again, and I wanted to do anything I could to regain his trust and keep our family together. As a result, I excused a lot of abuse and tried to please him. In retrospect, I think that was wrong and, if anything, encouraged him to continue - I was feeling guilty and that is exactly what he wanted - me to feel guilty so that he did not have to.

Whatever the cause of DDJ, it is important to realize that as a spouse, you are not the cause of this illness. Apart from repeating over and over that they need to get help, there is nothing you can do to stop the disease. And that means that you should never tolerate abuse. 

•But it is soooo difficult, especially when he functions well (enough) in almost every other aspects of his life, and he is nice and kind to everyone else but me. He is so logical and reasonable to everything/everyone else but me. I am like his eternal road block. When it comes to me, he has nothing but anger, cruelty, harshness, and retribution.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and why are you so certain her husband has this disorder?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> About one year ago, I received this e-mail from an annonymous person who said that they hav discovered through some conversations that I have had with my sister thru e-mail chat that I had intentions on cheating on my husband and if I didn't come to him and talked to him about it, that person would send the copy of that chat to my husband so it was warning me to talk to him about it. Attached to this e-mail was a copy of the chat, how creepy is that? I started believing that someone was stalking me! I brought it up to my husband and he didnt believe me, he beloved the e-mail and tnsisted that I tell the truth, but there was no truth, it was a simple private chat between my sister and I and we were talking crap. Since then our marriage hasn't been the same, he doesn't trust me and I am beginning not to trust him in return. Everyone told me that my husband had sent that email and I asked him several times and he said no. Thinking back to it now I wonder if he was lying and it was in fact him
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, who do you think sent the email to you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

But hlk, she admits she did cheat on him. Yes, before the marriage, but even so...


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Patty SadWife said:


> I am definitely not having an affair and I believe he isn't having one either. We are very happy with each other except for the fact that he always thinks that I might be doing something behind his back. I did cheat on him b4 we were married but hav explained that I didn't take our relationship seriously back then that after we got married I didn't need anyone else but him. And yes he might be upset about me talking to one of might ex boyfriend on Facebook, and if that's so then I wish he would tell me!! But he won't! He will just say, I know what u did and u have to fess up to it. Which that brings me to a different problem.....Why is he spying on me or going over my accts annonymously???.?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


he is spying cause he doesnt trust you, you admitted that you cheated on him before. I dont think he will get over that betrayal, thus reason why he continues to monitor you. If you have been contacting/chatting with an old boyfriend on fb, bring this up and see if this is the thing which he is talking about. 

You have to really think about who you talk to and about what for him to get these feelings. By you not knowing what he is talking about, might prove that you carry on too many conversations with various people to remember or pinpoint the exact exchange.


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