# Can you trust a wayward wife to reconcile???



## sparkside1

Hi all, My wife has come to her senses after 5 months of putting me through hell by having an affair and going out on the town, flirting with other men, taking cocaine and treating me with very little respect. after one hard night, she realised that I was the person that she wanted to be with and have been her support through everything. She wants to take things slowly so that we can get to know each other again and start dating. She hopes that I'll be home for christmas if everything goes well between us. She says that I have changed alot since we have been apart and likes what she sees. We have a young daughter and my wife has been struggling with work and being a single mum. My problem here is, how can I trust her to stop her self centred behaviour? I ned to sit her down and talk about all that has happened but don't know when the right moment will be. How do you approach this subject without scaring someone away? People have told me that I have been too soft with her and let her go off the rails. I need to figure out how to forgive her and move towards a future together.


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## Wisp

It takes time, firstly she has to agree to do it, if not you will never move forward, she needs to know that this is full disclosure time no matter how difficult this is you are there for her. 


Once she has told you all go see a councillor and work together on this. Harden yourself this is only the beginning of the journey. 

Look at marriagebuiders.com for some downloads, there are documents there with questions you need to both answer.

Best wishes


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## the guy

Its been 6 months since I confronted her and we are doing great. She didn't understand, and I don't either but as painful as it was she needed to tell me every thing, and I somewhat believe that she has told me every thing. Some of the stuff was off the wall for her to be holding back. From there are moving on to a better place in our relation ship.
So in my opinion this step is an important one. This took us days/weeks even months, so don't push it.
Start off with general guestion then stop and wait for a day or two and ask her to follow up, with some details and then wait and continue on a following day.
You will get some walls like "why do you want to know" or "are you going to use this against me later" My wife even warned me "this will hurt you to much, I just can't". So be prepared and have the ansewers. I used "I need to understand your behavior" & "I find it interesting so we can change " or " this will help me/us heal and better MY behavior" 
Do not get mad or judge her, just listen. when it got too much I'd stop her and ask to talk about this later in the day. 
In some situations my wife felt discusted, especialy the one nighters. Those where the difficult ones, she really didn't want to talk about. so I backed off. She opened up on them about a month after confrontation. 
Know 6 months into it, we are still talking about more deeper details of her infidelity, more inportantly I'm finding the WHY.
There is so much in my wifes head its amazing when she opens up.
just be patiant, understanding, and nonjudgemental. For me the main opjective was to get the info. for her she needed to get it off her chest. She tells me now, 'thats it feels good to get this bad behavior out in the open instead of holding these secrets in for all these years'.


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## sparkside1

It's great that your wife is opening up and actually telling you this stuff. My wife hates deep conversations and seems to want to sweep it under the carpet at the moment. She tells me little things about how she is scared of recommiting but will not tell me the truth. I know snippets from her friends but I can't get her true feelings from her. Maybe I'm scared of pushing her away or what I will find. I'm worried that by discussing her attraction to the other man, it will make her want him back and highlight the problems in our marriage. I want to make the right move but have so much to loose.


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## the guy

The bottom line is you know best on how to handle your wife. I can bearly handle mine .
Like you said "for the moment" so don't rush it. You may not like what you hear so in the meantime think about how you would handle it If or when she opens up.
I was scared to, but I found out wife likes biceps and pecs (big chests) so I started doing curls with my son wiegth set. another statement I found her making was "he smelled good" so I've taken stocking having differant colegns, and I used to never put them on. So now I "freshen up".
I just found that after talking with her, there were thing I needed to do that I never did before like Telling her how sexy she is, and stupid thing like can I see you boobs. Its wierd but the OM's showed her their physical attraction towards her and it excited her I never did that. I never payed much attention to her for the past .... well since our son was born (he's 16 now).
So back to point. you and her will be the only ones who know when the the time is right and what to talk about regarding the affair ( or in my case affair'S) so good luck and I hope you have a great new marriage. Be patiant and let her know you need to talk sooner or later for you to heal and leave it in her court. 
Try asking her to talk in a hand written love letter chicks love letters and cards. maybe in the letter/card you can be specific on one or two point that you want answered. and reafirm that our not pushing for the info right now! But want her think about it and when the time is right she can approach you with the answers your asking for.


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