# Is there hope for a porn addict?



## bravo99

Can a marriage be saved? Is there hope for a man addicted to porn? We've had problems with it before and I thought it was over. Something set him off big time. By the end of the night I found a total of 10 email addresses that he was using. Facebook-to contact my supposed friend that he slept with. Married and looking websites. Emails to a girl he'd been talking to.
Pages and pages of porn emails between him and a co-worker (male) and a weird relationship if you ask me.
X-tube I didn't even know existed. I'm so freaked out, I want to wake up and I can't.
He said he's been chatting on the sex lines in the middle of the night.
One girl he was actually starting a relationship with he told her he'd call her from home.
He's been hiding this from me for over 3 years. How stupid am I? Why didn't I see it. I'm completely losing my mind.


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## Fritz

I was an addict, more or less a sex addict, My wife started this a number of years back, and then she just turned me off. She recently pick up the steamy sex in the marriage and now our sex life is better than porn...


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## bravo99

The last thing he could complain about was our sex life. It's been frequent and I've been totally open to at least try whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. I'm know he's very pleased in the bedroom, and anywhere else he wanted for that matter. I enjoy sex very much and often want it more than he does, so I let him pick the pace. I've stayed much more fit than he has too. When he's out of town if he's wanted phone or video sex, he'd get it. 
When he's on the road I encourage him to go out with the guys and relax. When he's home I keep things nice for him. I don't get all over him about little things. I haven't done anything that warrants being treated the way I have been.
My life has been twisted upside down and you say try steamy sex? Seriously?


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## Fritz

Yes, but it sounds like you're my perfect match. My wife does normal things, but you have phone sex and other do other things!..You husband doesn't know what he is missing!


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## bravo99

Doesn't make your wife a bad person because she has different 
sexual paths than you. Try talking to her, you might be surprised at what she might want to try. That shouldn't be a deal breaker, you need to find ways to work together. This makes me crazy because I've always tried to please him in and out of the bedroom. I took him to the park to make love in the afternoon once because he mentioned he'd like it. I let him watch me in the hot tub when he asked me last month. It's a punch in the gut to know he's a lying cheater and was probably calling his fat ugly girlfriend when I'm in shower. ...and yes she is and she was SUPPOSED to be my friend. I've been supportive of when he wanted to move, job changes, encouraged him to continue his education. I want him to go with the guys to ballgames and hang-out; I don't expect much of him here other than to spend time with his kids.
I'm not a screamer, I don't jump down his throat over stupid little things. I hate him right now. Thank God for sleeping pills, it's only about 30 minutes and he's totally out of my mind.


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## Fritz

With my addiction I probably have made my wife hatefull to me
sometimes. I was a crossdresser that got caught. I would often fantasize about her and I.


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## bravo99

Got caught what? Unless you were cheating on her I don't see that it's a big deal, it's something you work on together and come to terms and find a way to make you both happy; outline bounderies. Maybe there's something she'd like to try but hasn't been able to tell you. There are some things I wouldn't do at home, I wanted to go to a hotel for, that also kept it more exciting. Thanks for helping me take my mind off the loser I'm married to. My stupid husband is a lying cheater.


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## Fritz

To be honest, I was a crossdresser for years and never admitted to my wife about it. I used her clothes and when I did get caught she thought that I was cheating on her. You sound to me someone I would enjoy spending time with. Just chatting about our problems and being honest with each other.


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## swedish

bravo99 said:


> I'm so freaked out, I want to wake up and I can't.
> ...
> Why didn't I see it. I'm completely losing my mind.


Bravo99,

It sounds like he may have a sex addiction that is out of control. IMO, I cannot otherwise imagine why he would risk his marriage to you, his health, your health (if he has had physical relations with anyone), his family...and the number of different things you found...as if porn didn't do it for him anymore so it got more extreme as time went by. If this is the case, it has nothing to do with you and you cannot fix it...He needs to want help if he cannot stop on his own.

What is he saying about all of this? What does he want to do? I know you probably cannot believe anything out of his mouth right now, but I'm just wondering with everything out in the open, what his reaction is now?


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## bravo99

We've actually dealt with him and porn before but I thought we were over it and he was dealing with it. I felt safer in my marriage than I probably ever have. 
He and his friends from work have '4 sex' email addresses and that's all they do is exchange porn. How sick is that?
Pages and pages a day for 2 years in one email. 

How could I be so stupid not to see this? Then I also question did I set him off by being so willing sexually to do whatever he wanted?

I feel like I'm going out of my mind. I changed his ringtone to some song that came on that screams 'I hate you'. He must hate me to treat me this way. 
He says he would go to X-tube (I'd never heard of this) and then pop ups for chat would come up and he'd have flirty sex chat, even though it didn't turn him on...whatever, he couldv'e done that with me. 
But, then he also emailed a map to his hotel, phoned and private chatted with a girl. He say's he has a line and it got too real for him so he didn't contact her again. I don't believe him, I don't believe anything he says. 
I've been monitoring all the active emails he had, he cancelled one so I reactivated it and changed the password to see what shows up. 
He's been talking on the phone to my so-called can't keep a man loser ex-friend with his co-workers around, to me that's moved on already. He says he hasn't had contact with her for a couple of weeks and promises not to call her; and if she contacts him he'll let me know or forward the email. 
I don't believe him, I don't know what his angle is for saying he really wants to be here. 
All I know is he wrote her a letter saying he'd wished to be free of me for the last 20 years WTF. He's all 'oh your so great', 'I can't complain', 'I don't know what's wrong with me'. Now I know why he's been having erection issues the last couple of years, he's over saturated himself. 
Sorry...spewing I just can't get a grip on my thoughts. I guess we'll go to the counselor on Friday and see what happens except I'm waiting for him to call and say he has to stay and work through the weekend. Thanks for listening to my crazy.....


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## bravo99

Ditto, I appreciate the replies I've been getting, it's helping me get to a different place, although I don't know if it's a better place. But this is the first day I haven't lived on sleeping pills, although I still can't eat. 
Why would she think you're cheating on her wearing her clothes? The emotional side of all of this is more hurtful to me than any actual sex acts...not say that I excuse that AT ALL. 

How long has it been and have/do you talk about it?

To me sex is vital; it is a vital part of a relationship along with honesty and communication. I thought I was open enough he wouldn't have to go anywhere else so now all I do is question everything about myself.

What are her fears about you cross-dressing?


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## InnerGold

Hi, I am new to this forum and was referred by someone in another forum. 

I wanted to answer this question. 


> Can a marriage be saved? Is there hope for a man addicted to porn? We've had problems with it before and I thought it was over.


Yes, there are many couples that are dealing with this problem but have found that their relationship actually improved in the recovery process. However, there is a caveat that I must address. Addicts that truly want to learn to get rid of destructive behaviors are the ones that improve their situation. 

The first question is: Does he really want to change? You cannot force someone into changing their behaviors. Just because he has relapsed does not mean he does not love you. Sexual addiction issues are the toughest addictions to manage because it strikes at the core of who we are. Sexuality is essential for survival, hence the reason this is the toughest addiction for recovery.

Addicts have trained their brain to utilize porn, sex, gambling, etc. for survival. They have to learn to, essentially, reprogram their brain to realize it does not the addiction for survival. You can learn more about how it affects the brain by watching our video on YouTube: http://youtube.com/innergold1000

Sexual addiction issues are destroying families and individuals at a faster pace than any other addiction so it is important to learn how it affects the brain and then one can start to learn methods to manage it.


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## Angel2010

I feel the same way you feel. I have gone around and around with this with my husband. Everytime I catch him watching porn on the internet, he gets defensive. His respond is, "I'm at home with you and I am not physically touching those woman. I told him If your heart, soul, and mind is on the porn and chatting with other women, then you could not possible have your wife on your mind. Recently he purchase his own private labtop. He has a login on it that provents me from getting on his labtop. Now he is able to hide what porn sites he's been on, who he's been chatting with, and the websites he brouse looking for worman to chat with. I am fed up with his behavior and I am about to give up and leave!!


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## bravo99

InnerGold and Angel2010

Thank you so much for your comments. I'll check out the link.

Angel I feel for you sister and I'm so sorry that we're both going through this pain. 
If he isn't willing to work with you and you can; leave before your stuck like me. Cheating is cheating, that's time and feelings that should be spent on you.

Today I found 2 christian sites that I searched that gave me good info: familydynamics.net and lds.org (I really liked the things this one said about how a wife should be treated.)

I told him if he wants to leave to leave as I'm so tired of it all and hope our kids survive.
He says he wants to change. We have an appointment with a counselor on Friday. He's been calling me and telling me to be honest about my feelings blah blah blah.
I don't believe anything he says, I don't want him to read the 50 pages of journaling I've done; mostly that I don't believe him and hate him. 
I don't want him saying he's relieved to be caught or that he loves me anymore. 

Problems for me: For about 3 years something has been nagging at me but I couldn't put my finger on it, thought it was me. 2-3 years is how long he's been LIVING with it hours and hours a night while he's away from home with no accountability
3-5 days/nights a week. 

During this time he made personal contacts on chat, moved to phone calls and email and sent his address to one (that I know of); but said he never went through with a meet because it became to real; I don't believe this.
He also conspired with a guy from a sex chat to see if I'd respond to him and chat with all of them. How sad is that?
Of course I didn't respond and only know about it from the email in his box.

The other is the letter he wrote to my so called friend saying for 20 years he's wished for me to fall in love with someone else so he could be free to be with her and the memory of their one night together and 2 sneaky meetings are always on his mind.

He created a facebook page to see hers and lied to me about it.
Called and emailed, he says it wasn't real and he was just feeling guilty for the way he acted and was running things through his guilty mind because he didn't how to stop or get past it.
But this personalized it all and I don't see how we can get past ALL of it.

I don't know if I want to anymore. Sorry my posts are always too long. Still can't quite get my mind to slow.


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## InnerGold

Please never apologize for long posts. This is healthy to get your feelings out and in the open. You cannot harbor them or it will destroy you. You are a strong individual for dealing with this for so long. 

I hope you realize you are not the cause. He is making his own decisions. The real question is, does he want to change?


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## bravo99

InnerGold

I marked your links that you sent and started watching them.
Thank you very much btw.

My question is did I make him do this or make it worse by be so 
willing to satisfy him and not saying no to things he wanted to do?

It was always just between the two of us and there was never porn involved...ick.

But, with me being pretty open did I make this worse?
I just thought we had a healthy open sexual relationship.
Now I'm wondering if I just kept making it worse.

What do I do when he gets here? 
I don't want him to touch me, I hate it when he says "I love you and I feel terrible and guilty for what I did". 

He's going to be all hugging on me and he didn't try anything last Sunday before he left because he said he didn't think I'd want him near me...correct; I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him here.

I'm scared that anything I say or do will set him off.

Thanks


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## InnerGold

> I marked your links that you sent and started watching them.
> Thank you very much btw.


You are welcome. Hopefully it will help you gain a better understanding of this addiction.



> My question is did I make him do this or make it worse by be so willing to satisfy him and not saying no to things he wanted to do?
> 
> It was always just between the two of us and there was never porn involved...ick.


There is nothing wrong with being a loving wife and wanting to please your husband. You did not do this to him. He has, most likely, been dealing with this for a very long time. Most sex addictions begin in their early childhood.

Congratulations for keeping porn out of it. However, a lot of individuals struggling with porn addiction tend to try to take what they have seen into their personal lives. This is one of the largest dangers of porn because it distorts what is reality and what is ok.

It is important to maintain your moral standards. Don't do something if you don't want do it. There are boundaries and they do need to be established. He should respect that and if he doesn't, he is not worthy of a woman like you or any woman.



> But, with me being pretty open did I make this worse?


No!



> I don't want him to touch me, I hate it when he says "I love you and I feel terrible and guilty for what I did".


He is probably telling you the truth when he says, "I love you and I feel terrible for what I did."

There is a lot of truth to this statement because the addict does. Most addicts hate it when they hurt loved ones but they feel out of control and don't think they will ever be able to truly get rid of it. They are training their brains continuously that they need porn/sex for survival. Gordon, founder of InnerGold answers a question similar to this., "Does my spouse still love me if they are looking at porn?" Does My Spouse Love Me If They Are Looking at Porn? | Pornography & Sexual Addiction Help



> He didn't try anything last Sunday before he left because he said he didn't think I'd want him near me...correct; I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him here.


Well he is not completely clueless. He recognizes a disconnect. It is important to talk to him about it when you are both in a good mood. Don't discuss it in a condemning way but a loving open way. 

*For example, lead-in question:
*Hunny, I have been thinking about things and I really don't know what to do. I need your help and understanding. 

*Follow up:
*You have mentioned that you love me and feel terrible about what you do, what can I do to help you? I want to help you. What can I do? I can tell you are not happy and I am not happy. I have done a lot of research and realize addiction is not something someone can just overcome so I can understand a little of what you might be going through. How can I help you manage this?

Realize this is just an example but coming to him in a very humble, approachable and non-condemning way has helped many couples start a good conversation. If he starts to bring in the fact that he wants you to start acting or behaving like the videos or says increase intimacy, this is not an option. This is not going to help you, or him. He needs to have a desire to change. If he is open, tell him you found a video that helped you to better understand this addiction and then watch it together. I would also recommend watching the frequently asked questions this helps many addicts come to a realization of different issues. 

These are just some suggestions. Due to legal reasons, I need you to understand that I am not a therapist for InnerGold but I am sharing with you the information that has helped hundreds world-wide learn to manage sexual addiction issues and gain hope, confidence and long-term sobriety.



> I'm scared that anything I say or do will set him off.


If you think this approach would be to dangerous or harmful, than you need to evaluate your situation and create a pro's and con's list. You deserve and should be treated like a queen.


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## bravo99

Thank you for all the in depth responses; I'm going to go through it all.

I don't think we do anything spectacularly strange sexually, maybe I'm wrong. 
We have a few vibrating toys that we generally use if we go to a hotel. 
He's mostly is into voyeurism with the porn I think.
He's always been a watcher.

It doesn't seem like he tries or wants to try new things.
Sometimes he's used a different technique and I asked him if
he was watching something and he'd say no just trying things and my reaction telling him to do it again or not.

What about the letter he wrote saying he never really loved me and if I knew about the real him I'd divorce him. 
Isn't that what he should want if he doesn't love me?

And saying he loves her and she is his fantasy and it can never be? (I am WAY better looking than her and if she is so great why can't she keep a husband?...probably 'cause she's waiting for mine)

He says he doesn't know why he added her name (he had 2 drafts of it; her name wasn't on one of them I don't know which was first)

He says it was just guilt & self-loathing running through his head, he never really slept with her.

I don't believe anything he says and now I am just in a total panic having a hard time not to cry and I can't stop shaking.

He isn't even supposed to be in for 10 more hours.
I don't understand why he makes me feel this way, 
I'm going crazy.

I'm sorry, just venting I don't think there is a response for this.
I'm sucking up your time.

Thank you


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## bravo99

I
You deserve and should be treated like a queen.[/QUOTE said:


> Right now I have a hard time believing this to be so...but thanks


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## swedish

You deserve and should be treated like a queen.

I know I stole this, but I'm hoping for strength in numbers will help you look inside and see it too 

I think at this stage it is important for you to tell him what you need right now...let him know you are not comfortable with being touched and are still having a lot of trouble believing much of his response regarding the emails you found to the woman.

He may not be telling you the full truth for fear that you will leave. He may have thought the grass was greener and once you found out everything realized he loves you and does not want to lose you...or he could have been saying what he thought that woman wanted to hear...otherwise it wouldn't make much sense that he wouldn't just open up and say he was unhappy in your marriage?

Anyway, I'm rambling now...but wanted to say I think you should tell him what you are and are not ready for so you don't have to worry about what he might say or do when he gets home.


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## InnerGold

bravo99 said:


> Right now I have a hard time believing this to be so...but thanks


That is the biggest problem, you are not giving your self the value that you are. You are the most important person and have the ability to help many others. I hope you gain and accept this understanding because it is true.

Every lady should be treated like a queen and every gentleman a king. Notice the clarifier: gentleman! Gentle be a key word here.


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## InnerGold

swedish said:


> You deserve and should be treated like a queen.
> 
> I know I stole this, but I'm hoping for strength in numbers will help you look inside and see it too
> 
> I think at this stage it is important for you to tell him what you need right now...let him know you are not comfortable with being touched and are still having a lot of trouble believing much of his response regarding the emails you found to the woman.
> 
> He may not be telling you the full truth for fear that you will leave. He may have thought the grass was greener and once you found out everything realized he loves you and does not want to lose you...or he could have been saying what he thought that woman wanted to hear...otherwise it wouldn't make much sense that he wouldn't just open up and say he was unhappy in your marriage?
> 
> Anyway, I'm rambling now...but wanted to say I think you should tell him what you are and are not ready for so you don't have to worry about what he might say or do when he gets home.


Swedish, I am glad you helped to reinforce this. Great advice!


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## bravo99

I appreciate you all keeping me afloat this week.

I'm off for a couple of errands and the airport, we'll see if he actually shows up or if I survive this massive panic attack I'm
having all day.


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## InnerGold

> What about the letter he wrote saying he never really loved me and if I knew about the real him I'd divorce him. Isn't that what he should want if he doesn't love me?


Sounds to me like he is trying to justify his behavior in his mind and provide some validity to his actions. 



> And saying he loves her and she is his fantasy and it can never be? (I am WAY better looking than her and if she is so great why can't she keep a husband?...probably 'cause she's waiting for mine)


Sex addiction is not just a mens addiction. It sounds like he thinks the grass is greener on the other side but if she has been unfaithful with her other husbands. The odds are that she will always be unfaithful. His love sounds all physical and that will only last for so long. 

What do you want?


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## bravo99

Hey all, haven't checked in for quite awhile. Just wanted to say how much I appreciate all the comments from you all. You TOTALLY saved me; seriously I cannot stress that enough.

[QUOTE What do you want? QUOTE]

Still don't know what I want :scratchhead:
In all honesty if I had a way to leave I would; but that doesn't seem plausible right now.

My doctor put me on an anti-depressent that really helped.

Been to two appointments with -him- to the therapist, he's 'relieved' for the 'discovery' as the secrets were getting tiring.

Joined a COSA group and he went to an SAA meeting too.

Spoke with our pastor.

I feel like he's saying and doing all the 'right' things; and he maybe trying. But I guess since I don't believe anything out of his face it's hard to know.

So we'll see. Trying to focus less on him and his stupidity and get to the state of mind that everyone says it isn't me. Still can't swallow that one, but trying.

Thinking about our daughters wedding and glad she seems to be marrying a good and rightous man.

I've been doing lots of reading too. 

Just thank you so much again for a safe place and helpful comments.


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## swedish

Thanks for checking back in, bravo99, I have been thinking about you. I am very relieved to hear you have sought a lot of support.


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## bravo99

I'm so selfish and so pathetic. I only come here to me me me when everyone else has it just as bad or worse. I emailed the girl that he'd left a couple of emails to and she answered me. We've emailed extensively. He told her that we were together for the kids and it was a mutual agreement. That at times he'd called her when he was at home and if I came in the room it was a 'work call'. They'd been online and on the phone a lot. She met with him once, she said he liked her big boobs and the sex wasn't great. They had dinner with a movie the next day before she left.
I don't understand why he is here if he doesn't want to be. If he is here for the kids why doesn't he just tell me that so we can come to an agreement to have our seperate lives also, when the kids aren't involved. Why can't it be 5 years from now already? My kids would be out of the house on their way in life and I could just be dead. Why do people treat each other so badly? How am I supposed to function? What kind of a mother can I be when I'm such a mess? I'm worthless anyway. I wish I'd never met him.


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## InnerGold

> I'm so selfish and so pathetic. I only come here to me me me when everyone else has it just as bad or worse.


Everyone has different needs, don't worry about taking care of your self. There are others that can worry about helping the different posts.



> I emailed the girl that he'd left a couple of emails to and she answered me. We've emailed extensively.


What does she think of everything? I can't believe she is actually emailing you.



> She met with him once, she said he liked her big boobs and the sex wasn't great. They had dinner with a movie the next day before she left.


It sounds like both of them have a serious addiction.



> I don't understand why he is here if he doesn't want to be.


This would involve serious therapy.



> Why do people treat each other so badly?


If you can solve this, you have figured out world peace. 



> How am I supposed to function?


Stay focused and make sure to protect your children. Take it one day at a time.



> What kind of a mother can I be when I'm such a mess? I'm worthless anyway. I wish I'd never met him.


This is why you need to stay focused. You are not worthless!


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## swedish

Hi Bravo99,

The most important thing to me is my family so being a wife and mother are my most important roles (even though I also have a full-time job) I totally get that when you are betrayed it is hard not to feel worthless and that your role is pointless...I have been there.

First, give yourself a break....of course you are a mess right now. Your husband turned your world upside-down...Moms are not perfect and it doesn't hurt for your kids to know you have feelings too  

The thing is, you are a great mom and your kids still need you and you will get to a point where you are not feeling this way every day so for now just know that it will get better and you will not always feel this way. It's hard to force a little hope in there when you truly feel there is none but if you are at all a spiritual person just have a little faith for now. 

The counseling should help you sort out these feelings and begin to give you strength and help you to realize your worth is not connected to your husband's bad behavior...he made those bad choices on his own. The unfortunate part is that his bad choices directly affect you, as his wife. Keep your support mechanisms in place and make sure you are open and honest with them especially if you are having suicidal thoughts.

Hang in there


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## destinygirl

Hey!

Yes there is hope. In fact, I had this same problem. There's a lady who does a really good site for women, (www.thefemininewoman.com) 

AND she's just released a really good free book on understanding men - and it talks about addictions, actually - but I don't think I'm meant to give you the link for the download :S but anyway, you can get it here:

Download your copy of Understanding a Man's 6 Human Needs book


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## bravo99

I appreciate your supportive comments. I had felt that things were a little calmer; I was wrong.
Trying to remember to focus on the kids and it's hard and I'm failing at being more supportive of our daughters wedding, I need to get focused on that.

I've had suicidal thoughts again; I feel like I'm better at controlling them. Yesterday I felt like just driving in front of a
semi, but I wouldn't want to hurt anyone else. Then I think it
would ruin my daughters wedding and now my son is close to
his Eagle scout. So I stopped and cried for awhile and came home to them.

I do know I've raised a great son. He will treat his wife and children so well. He's already so respectful of the girl he likes and is thoughtful in his dates and gifts for her.
He'll never be like his father and would have complete disdain
if he knew what he's done.


I can't believe she is emailing me either. BUT, I totally believe her and she seems to be apologetic and honest with me.

More than he does.
She was new to the area and found him on a dating site.
He told her we had a mutual agreement to stay together for the kids; and didn't have sex anymore; otherwise she wouldn't have been there. (I don't see her as innocent knowing he was married, and falling for the lines, but she is giving me answers where he won't).

They had dinner and he took a call from our older daughter when they were at the movies. She waited while he called us online in his room. 

They had sex and it wasn't too outstanding. 
They did chat online and email; and he even called her from home telling me they were work calls.

She is about 4 years younger than him and said he liked her large breasts, always tells me he likes the 'handful' that I have.

According to the records I found, she would have been a first,
if not the first. Don't know what/who came after. 

They talked about a month or so still after that and it ended and she moved to another state (public records confirm this).

She almost seems a friend right now, and I know that's twisted and sick. But she has said she would answer any questions and seems genuinely apologetic for the pain I'm in.

I told her she should get tested if she's had any problems. 

I'll be telling my doctor to check for other things regarding a low white cell count, blood in urine and infection they haven't been able to figure out now that I know he's been screwing around.

I'm realizing that he is not only a porn addict, but a sex addict.
When I look back at all the 'situations' that he got into that were totally innocent-yea right-. He can't be left alone without screwing someone and freaking out on porn.

He's been doing a 12 step, but it isn't conveneint with his work schedule. Tried one online tonight. He seems to be trying and doing and saying all the 'right things'. He's such a liar, I wonder how long it'll take to figure out his angle.

I have a 5 year plan for kids being taken care of and then I can get rid of him. Just don't know how to focus to follow through.

Thanks as usual for listening to ramblings and for more resources.


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## InnerGold

You are welcome. Don't lose hope and continue to think about your children, if this is the only thing that is keep you on task.


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## BunnyHunny

Hi... I am new to this forum, but not new to the problems that porn addiction causes in a marriage. At this moment in time, I am married to a man whom I love very much, but I can not deal with this issue any longer. He refuses to see the damage his addiction has caused, and refuses to believe he has a problem at all.... so I don't seen any end to this other than to end our marriage.

I really wish men could know the pain and heartache they cause by tossing aside everything that's good in their lives for this crap.


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## InnerGold

Bunny, welcome. 

Pornography is destructive and the addict generally does not think he has a problem because he or she is in the middle of it. However, if you can get them to watch some frequently asked questions, we have had several individuals say, "Ah, this sounds like me." Is he willing to watch some videos like this? If so, I would ask him to check out this link: Understanding Pornography Addiction

These are some of the most asked questions and will be helpful in self diagnosis.

Wish the best!


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## BunnyHunny

Hi InnerGold, and thank you for the link. I have just watched some of the FAQs myself and there is some good info there. However, I honestly do not think my husband will even consider looking at it! He has repeatedly told me that HE does not have a problem with pornography, that I am the one with the problem!!! According to him, I should be able to overlook the whole thing and just "be cool" about it!!!
He has also more recently told me that if I bring the subject up again, that he will walk away and refuse to discuss it with me any more.
Just so you understand the extent of his use of porn.... there are hundreds of hours of downloaded stuff on his computer, which is now password protected since I found that particular stash in 'hidden files' recently. In addition to that, there are also hundreds of DVDs which are kept elsewhere because every time I find any, I destroy them, which causes even more friction. I do not know if he has been watching 'live-cam' stuff or engaging in cyber-sex, but I do know that our sex life has become non-existent, so I can only assume that there is even more that I do not know about. 
He did promise that he would stop, only in order to prove to me that he could, NOT because he felt it was a problem!!! But he hasn't stopped.
I am just at a point now where I can see no solution to this situation and I am truly at the end of my rope and I am seriously considering quitting my job in order to be home all the time so that he will have less opportunity.
I will send him the link to his e-mail because I know he will refuse to talk to me about it.
In spite of all this, I am still very much in love with my husband, and I really want to save this marriage.... I just don't know what to do any more!


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## InnerGold

> He did promise that he would stop, only in order to prove to me that he could, NOT because he felt it was a problem!!!


He won't be able to for very long because will power alone will not work. We have heard this many times and what happens is the addict will stop for a day or week and say, "See, I am not an addict." because their limbic system will be going hay wire looking to get back to it. 

You can share information with him via email or something else but you can't force anyone to do something. Try just emailing information to him, like the FAQ's - Am I An Addict?

His curiosity might be peaked and watch it.


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## BunnyHunny

That's what I'm hoping for.... and thank you for your words of encouragement. I have e-mailed him the link you posted, but I'm pretty sure he won't even watch it once he sees what it is about.
I want to try to change his opinion that this issue between us is not just me being a "controlling and prudish" (his words) 
He just seems to refuse to try and understand how this is affecting our relationship and only wants to blame me every time we have a fight over it. Other than this issue, I must say, he is a very loving, attentive and generous man... perhaps a little dominating sometimes, and extremely stubborn.... but those things I can handle.
I've told him that I can't deal with this any more, but he does not seem to care that our marriage is at risk.... again he says this is my fault for not being able to deal with his "hobby"!!! 
Am I banging my head against a brick wall here??? Is there even any point in my trying any more??


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## InnerGold

> again he says this is my fault for not being able to deal with his "hobby"!!!
> Am I banging my head against a brick wall here??? Is there even any point in my trying any more??


Addicts rationalize everything and try to pass their problem on to others. Personally, I would never give up! You also deserve respect. Hopefully, he will look at the videos and find some strength and recognition of issues he is dealing with.


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## created4success

There's always hope for a sex addict who struggles with porn. However, better sex in marriage doesn't always do it, as imho, it doesn't get to the root of the issue.

As I've struggled with this, I would encourage those who likewise do to get counseling and/or install a porn filter on your computer to help.

The bottom line is to be open with your spouse when confessing your problem and getting help. If you don't see it as an issue, unfortunately, statistically speaking, it doesn't bode well for your marriage and may not end well.


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## created4success

bravo99 said:


> Can a marriage be saved? Is there hope for a man addicted to porn? How stupid am I? Why didn't I see it. I'm completely losing my mind.


Of course a marriage can be saved -- even for a porn addict.

You're not stupid, just human and your emotions are normal.

The question is, does your husband realize the impact his porn habit is having on your marriage? What, if anything, is he willing to do about it?

If you can recognize the issue, that's half the battle. The other part is to get the help you need to deal with it.


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