# A secret fetish or skeletons in your closet. What to do?



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Inspired by another thread.

If you had a fetish (feet / excessive masturbation / secret porn habits / bdsm / anal play / dressing up / wearing panties / self cum shots / bisexual / tranny) that you knew your spouse wasn't okay with, do you resist the desires or deal with them privately? 

If your spouse found out about your fetish and knew it embarrassed you, would you rather them confront you and let you know he/she didn't agree with it? Or would you rather them keep it to themselves and have these feelings about your fetish being disgusting, without ever telling you they knew because it would embarrass you? 

I'll start. I've tried to be as open as possible about any desire I had, no matter how embarrassing they are. If I did have a secret I didn't tell her, and she found out without telling me, I would be more bothered by her negative thoughts towards me if she kept it to herself. I guess I am the type of person that would rather just be embarrassed and know my secret it out, than just not know and have my wife have these bad thoughts about me.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Excessive masturbation? Doesn't that describe most men under 25?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

People should live authentically. Be yourself. If the real you is not acceptable to your spouse, then you are not a good match and should not be together.

As Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet: "This above all: to thine own self be true"


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

I believe that you should be open about it to your spouse and that they should at least try it once. If they are completely uncomfortable, then you should respect that. After all, you are committed to them for better and for worse, and they have a right to say no to any sexual act that makes them feel uncomfortable.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> Excessive masturbation? Doesn't that describe most men under 25?


Pretty much.

I hid this habit for years though. If I was caught, I would be totally embarrassed. She also hid hers as well. I never caught her.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Coldie said:


> Inspired by another thread.
> If you had a fetish (feet / excessive masturbation / secret porn habits / bdsm / anal play / dressing up / wearing panties / self cum shots / bisexual / tranny) that you knew your spouse wasn't okay with, do you resist the desires or deal with them privately?


I think part of it would probably hinge on whether you are talking about a real paraphilia in the clinical sense or whether we're just using the sloppy internet definition of a fetish.

Paraphilias come in two types. Fetishes are sexual fixations on inanimate objects and situations and partialisms are sexual fixations on non-sexual body parts.

A real paraphilia is debilitating. It reduces the scope of a person's sexual response down to an extremely narrow, often selfish range. Absolutely a partner needs to know about this early on.

If we're just talking about a mild curiosity or fondness for something, its not quite the same guilt edged imperative and we would probably want to take the possibility of inadvertently making a partner feel bad or inadequate into consideration.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Coldie said:


> Pretty much.
> 
> I hid this habit for years though. If I was caught, I would be totally embarrassed. She also hid hers as well. I never caught her.


I got regular intercourse from around 20 years old thru 37 years old. It was just about when I wanted it. During those years I never thought about masturbation. I may have went 10 years or more without touching it other than to urinate, unless I was having sex.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

larry.gray said:


> Excessive masturbation? Doesn't that describe most men under 25?


I don't know. I guess it depends on what you consider excessive.

I suppose if you were choosing to engage in a session during a job interview that might be considered excessive... 

Short of that...isn't it frequent masturbation more normal than excessive.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
It is best if you can be open about everything with your partner. Unfortunately many people are not that open minded so there are some harmless fetishes that it is best to keep secret you know tha they will upset your partner.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Or you can be that girl that would love nothing better than a strong man that would "take her hand".....

and the response is "you must have daddy issues"......

You learn real fast to just shut up.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Coldie said:


> Pretty much.
> 
> I hid this habit for years though. If I was caught, I would be totally embarrassed. She also hid hers as well. I never caught her.


The only one to ever 'catch' me was my wife. I wasn't embarrassed at all. I never wanted to do it over being with her. I'd have stopped if we were doing it more.


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## fleet (Aug 26, 2014)

I wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone that wasn't OK with my sexual preferences/fetishes. I refuse to have to hide something like that, or worse, lie and say I don't do it.

And the thought of repressing my need to partake just to please my partner... no.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

What was the question again?
Every time I try to answer the question I get lost. Let's just say my wife knows my kinks. Fortunately she can handle them and doesn't find me unbearable. I do try not to inflict my unusual desires on the innocent or uninterested.


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## Thebuzzbees (Aug 29, 2014)

My husband & I talk openly about fantasies. We've discussed our interest in doggin, swinging, 3sums. The problem is..... We have a very healthy sex life as we are and are a bit dubious about opening Pandora's box! Once it's opened, there's no going back...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Bisexual or tranny are not fetishes...


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Bisexual or tranny are not fetishes...


I agree. The word Fetish is improperly used here. In fact "we're just using the sloppy internet definition of a fetish".

The point is how the people in the relationship communicate about the unexpected (by at least one partner) sexual desires that exist, or show up. Then we also introduce the idea that some deception or secret keeping is acceptable. I wonder how many people would really go into a relationship saying, "Hey and if you should ever want A, B, or C, just do it and don't tell me about it.":scratchhead:
MN


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Had an experience with "do it and don't tell me about it". It isn't fun. It involved what she wanted to do to me. What the hell? Don't you ask before you do anything that involves something out of the ordinary? I'm not talking like the normal vanilla things here. 

Hey, I had plenty of things I was interested in trying. I still do, but now, I don't have anyone to try them with. Would x2 have tried them? I have no idea. I think she was afraid to talk about them, just like another post here related. 

How can a couple learn these likes and dislikes if no one wants to talk? Don't you respect each other? This is a pet peeve of mine. 

So many will go have these experiences with someone or many people they don't know, but won't do it with the one they have dedicated and devoted their life to being with. I just don't understand. I'd rather try those things with the woman I love. I'd rather talk about those things with the woman I love. 

It makes me think everyone who is married and does not talk or try these things they hold as secrets, really chose the wrong person to marry. They don't trust them. 

These things are supposed to be done in the confines of a marriage. That's the safest place. Someone we meet and get to know for an hour or two is the most dangerous person to try things like this with, but most people seem to ignore that fact. Think about it. 

You have no idea what that person is really like and you take the biggest chances with them. The person you married, you think you know the best and you won't trust them as much as a semi-stranger. It makes no sense to me. 

Thanks for letting me get that out.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

it all breaks down into a few bin, you have a fetish and:
are afraid to tell spouse because you are bashful
are afraid to tell spouse because spouse is a nut job and will divorce you
tell spouse, and she barfs and tell you to never bring it up again
tell spouse, and she says its not her cup of tea, but use the internet
tell spouse and she says its not her cup of tea, here is a hall pass
tell spouse, she looks it up on internet, tries it, and LOVES IT

So depending on your spouse mainly...how honest you are about it is driven by them

I suggest that any fetish or kink, you should openly discuss. Who knows what the reaction will be, but keeping it secret does bad things to the relationship


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