# I'm being harassed by my wife



## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I left home about 1.5 weeks ago, Thursday. That same night I broke down and was at the end of the line with everything. Spoke with my family and psychologist and able to get through it. Had a rough day the following Monday. 

I've had issues with my wife's niece that had moved in with us pretty much since day one. Hate coming home to listen to the arguing, screaming, fighting, mind games, etc. We're 1.5 years into this and finally my wife decides the niece needs to move out.

She only came to this realization because I've left for 1.5 weeks now, to clear my mind, not seen her and only talked on the phone once. (where she begged, pleaded and cried for me to come home) so obviously no interest to talk to her right now.

I feel like she has been harassing me. Emailing me telling me she needs me, doesn't sleep, barely eats, and even the dog is sick. (dog did have the runs prior to me leaving) But how am I supposed to feel guilty when she has made me feel like I HAVE to be her and her niece's provider and dis-repsected me on many occasions. (things like inviting her folks over xmas morning while I was still in bed, opened all the gifts with just them)

I just feel that I cannot trust at all and have no desire to re-build that trust. Am I also at fault for not putting my foot down? Should I need to after a 10 year relationship?

Since I've been away, my family has said I looked and sounded better than the previously. My face was pale, just looked miserable, etc.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You have no grounds to get a restraining order. The proper term is "order of protection" and you have no grounds for that either.

She has not assaulted you, threatened your life or caused you to lose income or damaged your rep with others in any way. So she texts you and calls you all the time. Big whup. Do you think a police officer is going to appreciate you wasting his time if you call him over what is essentially a non-violent family squabble?

A J.P. will laugh you right out of the courtroom and then probably fine you for wasting his/her and the Court's time. 

Turn your phone off, block her calls, delete her texts as they come in. You are the one encouraging her by answering them.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

do you still love her?
do you want to be with her?
how were things before the niece?

if everything was good, you need to take charge more and put your foot down and go back to her and put the niece out.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I can't say that I miss her since being gone 1.5 weeks. 

We've always gone through issues every 3-6 months. We were never big communicators and she's always been the type to smooth things over, say the right things and after a while it's back to the same old story. It's usually her blaming me for thinking that things aren't as great as she perceives them to be. 

Guess I feel manipulated, never considered it before recently.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

go back and take some charge, maybe thats what she wants.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

What is causing the most dissention between you and the wife? The affair she supposedly had 2.5 years ago or the niece?


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Right now it's the niece, and she's gotten the wheels in motion to get her moved out into a therapeutically home for a year. (Niece has an LD, ADHD and Trauma) 

I've often considered going home and taking charge to see if that's what the whole relationship has been missing. I bought a couple books "The Gifts of Imperfection" and "emotional bull...." to give me some ideas for dealing with it. 

The supposed affair 2.5 years ago is always on my mind, and the gut feeling has never went away. 

I actually don't answer any of her texts, calls or emails. She just keeps calling/texting/emailing. She did ask me yesterday for $200 as she couldn't cover the car payment which is also in my name. She's missed a couple in the past (which were eventually paid) but the bank told me the next one would count towards my credit. So I felt obligated to give her the $200. I just emailed it to her and said nothing else.


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## fml (Mar 26, 2012)

she just feels insecure and is a bit needy (i know I was calling my H like mad for 4 days after I asked him for a divore and he didnt return my calls) If you have not already just tell her that you need time to think and you will contact her when you are ready. Let her know that you still care for her but you just need some space and that she is not making anything better by stalking you. She is scared of losing you that is why she is doing this.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Thanks fml.. I just feel like she doesn't have a nerve in her bone that gives a **** about me and only cares for what she is going through. 

In the past, I've told her that I don't think she cares enough and has been the heart of the issues we've had for the past 10 years. She says the right things to get me through all of it, but I'm tired of ringing the same bell over and over. 

The dog gets more affection than me, and I've told her this. She might change for a few days and then it always goes back. I tend to "live in my thoughts" so I don't always notice things too quickly.

I tried to be the one that always initiates the affection (not sex, just playfulness, etc) and I felt like she took advantage of this.

Yesterday she through one of my couches out cuz the dog apparently had an accident. I just wanna scream !!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah she's a winner alright. If she is unaffectionate, disrespectful and selfish, then why do you want to stay with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Yes, I think she's the manipulative types and doesn't even realize what she is doing. I guess I've always looked on the bright side, and my expectations have slowly dwindled over time.

The last time we actually spoke was the Monday before last, and I told her I cannot do this anymore, my head is messed up and then realized she is the manipulative type. 

I really don't know how to move on with my life. Anything I say is in one ear and out the other for her. I don't think I can give her divorce papers. In Canada we're supposedly supposed to be separated for a year first. I'm paying the mortgage in the condo, do I just tell her if she doesn't move out, I'll stop paying the mortgage?

BTW - I've read your story Bandit (only on the 2nd page so far of the thread) but I could take a lesson or two from you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Whose name is the condo in? You should talk to a lawyer, but you can't kick someone out of the marital home, usually. But the lawyer might be able to give you ideas on how you can be separated without being physically separated. But if you just stop paying on the condo and it's in your name as well, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

Condo is in my name. I had it before we got together, and I'm not even sure how legit our marriage is. We got married in Jamaica, never registered anything here and she's been claiming single on her income tax since.

The other thing I thought about was, just go see a real estate agent and give him my keys and tell him to sell it.


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## fml (Mar 26, 2012)

Schill I am at the same point of fed up as you are. Its like no matter what you do the marrige is all about them and your needs are not being met. I live in Canada as well and i do believe that you have to be seperated for a year before you can file for divorce and if i am not mistakin you have to have at least one MC session before you can file. The only way that you cn waive the year of seperation and MC is if you can prove there was infidelity in the marrige. Also check but I think that if you got married in Jamacia you may not be legaly married in Canada. Not sure but i know that when my cousin got married in Jamacia she had a second ceramony when she got back to Toronto.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need legal advice from a real lawyer in your area. She has rights, and you need to do things properly. If you can't kick out a deadbeat tenant without following a legal process, you can't kick out a common law spouse and child.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just remember: no one makes you "feel" anything. In your shoes, I'd simply accept that I made some big mistakes--not setting boundaries and enforcing them earlier in the relationship, for example. But I would NOT feel guilty, and I do not think you should, either. Why should you feel guilty? Her distress is the consequence of her own behavior, of her own unwillingness to treat you lovingly (and yes, I agree, we should not have to set and enforce boundaries about respectful behavior with the people who have sworn to love us--b/c that should come naturally!)

Hang in there. If you did not have the affair issue and prior issues, I'd suspect that things with the neice would have turned out better. Poor kid. I'm sure you are sympathetic but making the right choice--your household was not equipped to help her. That's ok; it is not something everyone can do. It's too bad, but I hope no one would judge you for this part of it.


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## Schill (Dec 7, 2011)

I'll definitely have to talk to a laywer about this. I spoke at the justice of peace that said it doesnt matter where you get married which appeased my suspicions at the time.

I did make some mistakes and now I must plan a way to get through them. The fight we had prior to get married should have been a warning sign, but I just hoped that things would have gotten better. We fought afterwards, and then we were getting the niece, I also hoped things would have gotten better. The first few years of the relationship (prior to getting married and now that I think about it, for a couple months after the wedding) things were great. After that I guess it was just comfortable.

I feel that I need time to clear my head, but also thinking I'm making excuses for stalling.


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