# A maybe or false hope



## rgbarnum

My W and I have been married just over 5 years. This is her 2nd, and my 3rd. I honestly believe she is the woman i am to spend the rest of my life with. I have a job that takes me away months at a time, and this alone it is not the reason I am now fighting for my marriage. When I met her I followed her to southern Ill and we later married, employment caused us to move back to Texas and she supported and followed me for the good of our family. And as stated I am gone a lot for long periods of time.

Two years ago I violated her trust when I had started talking to an old friend from my teen years. We never "hooked up" but we talked and text a lot, and as things go my wife came aware of this and arguments ensued. At first I defended myself claiming it was not sexual, which it wasn't, but there had been flirting and constant communication. After this I had stopped talking to my past friend cause of what it had done to my wife.

About a year ago she told me she wanted to move back to Illinois to be with her family for support and take the kids with her. This crushed me, and I behaved selfishly about not wanting her to go, even though I was gone a lot. As time passed I had come to terms with this, we were not splitting up, she was going to move back to Ill and I would stay in Texas and work so we could buy a house and she would transfer her business up there and once established I would quit my job in TX and follow her once again. The plan is to move up there this December during school break and while I am home from Washington where i am currently working.

During this time while gone again, I was contacted by another past friend. I have no attraction to this woman at all but we took our chats to far. A couple weeks after I got home we continued to text and my wife saw these on my phone. I did not defend myself but started with the usual BS when your caught, then she informed me, she too was talking to someone. For the time, my wife and I were doing good, and she even suggested to keep up the texting and such to add a bit of spice to our relationship. Just never go beyond the texting, and we had not. I think the guy she was talking to wanted to actually meet up with her and at that point she deemed it had went to far. And after that we had a long talk that this was not going to be good and we agreed to stop the "talking" with other people.

Now, 6 weeks ago, back in washington, I was talking to someone, that we both know, through a phone app game, and as we talked she came on very strong and I gave little resistance to how the sexual content went. This went on for maybe a week and we chatted on the messanger some and it was fairly graphic. I did stop the conversation really feeling how wrong I was but did not get rid of it through the messanger. My wife found a conversation on there, and understandably went balistic. My wife with cause stated she wanted a divorce. And after a couple of days talking she stopped the divorce talk, and I came to accept any "tongue lashing" about this when ever she gave it. I did not and am not even trying to defend nor justify my actions. 

Because of this I have purged my facebook, phone or anything that might cause doubt to my wife, and show total commitment to her. We had been talking more, planning the move and talking about the future in Illinois once we are all up there. We even found some houses that peeked our interests. I thought things were looking on the upside but still knew I had many days ahead of me to show her I am commited to her and earn the trust back.

This last week she had went north to view some houses and she found one we both loved. While still looking at other houses, I questioned who she had gone and seen a house with. This really set her off bad, cause of what happened last month. It really sounded as if I was accusing her of something. 

Now, she is wanting a divorce again, says she doesnt like me, and even though I thought things were going as well as can be expected, I was told that was just her trying to deal with it. Our main focus is and will be our kids, but she says she will just move up there rent a house and handle it all alone. And where as two days ago she openly said she loves me, can not do it today. 

After many hours of talking and yelling, her at me, she says we can stay married, buy the house and we will remain parents together and our previous plans about her establishing her business so I can move up there as well. Even me live in the house but differant room.

She goes from no way could she ever be with me, to I can not be with you right now. Says any compliment I do give her will always mean nothing, to will mean nothing right now. 

I almost went the begging route with her but quickly stopped it. At this point any negetive she points out to me I let her know it is justly deserved. I have not promised her the "I will change" speech, but rather told her if she doesnt care i will care for both of us, and if she is done trying, I will try for both of us. I also told her i will uphold my vowes to cherish and support her, so yes, I am still going to buy the house and help launch her business. Pretty much thats about a 30 year commitment right there, but also to ensure my kids have a nice place to live and be cared for. I am also holding a lot of hope that her and I still have a chance and for me to make this right.

My confusion would be if this is a process of sorts a betrayed spouse goes through, are we really done, or is there a chance for me to be that man she feel in love with. 

I have never physically been with another woman while married to my wife, but that does little i suppose cause of the graphic conversations i had. 

Anybody that has insight or differant perspective to this I would be more than willing to listen.


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## This is me

EA can be as damaging as PA. Even flirting with an EA is damaging to a marriage. Since you both have had multiple marriages and been in contact with old "friends", the word that comes to mind is "serial".

Trust is so important, but it sounds like these repeated contacts with other people make trust unbelievable.

Did any of either of your previous marriages end due to another person, EA or PA?


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## ferndog

You fed up for sure. I understand that we are attracted to other people and lets not bs if your wife didn't catch you, you would have stepped up your game and you would have sleeped with one of them. It's not worth it and now your finding out.
You don't have to tell her you'll change but you do have to prove it. She is still there because she loves you but you don't get it.
When a woman has enough and you break her she will never return. Your wife is bent (not broken) so you need to stop the bs. Get your act together and show her.
Take her out, spend quality time.make her smile romance her. Love her.

Here is my philosophy on any healthy happy relationship
The foundation (meaning in the beginning) must be built on trust respect loyalty and communication (this is very very important)
Once those are set you go into this

The woman is a seed and it is the responsibility of the man (yes because he is the leader masculin)
To shower her with love, affection , appreciation and passion.
If you always do this she will blossom and her love will wrap around you. Both of you will now water your grass with love .
Your grass will be the greenest for miles (do she won't go anywhere).

A woman wants to feel desired and loved and WANTED. You texting other females makes her feel like sht.

So that flower (your wife and the love) is dying its about to die. So you cannot over water it. You must slowly and patiently rebuild that trust. 
I really don't have an answer of how to do this but you do. You know what makes her smile and loved. Maybe a kind word . A finger stroke on her hair? Maybe a joke I don't know. But you have to do subtle things . 
Once you the the flower get stronger. You grab her and you. Tell her from your heart (don't bring up the parst texts never). " you know with you in my arms I'm the luckiest man on earth. (look her in the eyes) I love you . I love you so much from your beautiful shinny hair (stroke it) to your little nose your lips (run down your fingers) to your fragile neck your beautiful boobs (or what ever you wanna call them  to your hips down to those little toes. I love your smile I love your voice I love how you even blink the way toy smell etc etc " wow I was thinking about my ex man I almost cried
Well make her feel wanted. 

Women need to be desired. And I'd this works for you
Please never ever ever ever stop showing her because you'll wind up In my shoes.
And as a caring loving person I tell you. You don't want these shoes. So cut the bs and show her why you married her always
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler

^ Biggest load of bullsh!t I've read on here in a long time.

This is nothing but subjective one-sided drivel, doing this will only decrease any respect she has for you, especially when both of you screwed this marriage up. 

You realize what she wants right?

She wants you to be a walking paycheck who slums in one of the rooms of her house.

She wants to cake eat. and you need to knock her out of it.

You're married to her and regardless of mistakes made on both sides, she doesn't have the option of only having one foot in the marriage, and the other out. 

You enable her to treat you like this. Your idea of relationships is antiquated where the husband is always wrong and has to take his lumps, so guess what, now she has serious entitlement issues where she thinks she can justifiably have you buy a house, but have no intimacy with you. If you accept you will lose her for good.

The writings of the fool above this post supplement that biased ideal of the woman being courted and having no responsibility in the marriage, and in making it work. 

Women don't respect their husbands being pushovers. They really don't and you'll lose respect in her eyes whether you know it or not.

You owe it to your children to provide for them, but don't let her make you her bank account she can dip into at anytime.

She needs to be in the marriage, or out of it, period. You need to fight for your marriage, and frequently that means fighting against your spouse. The way she holds divorce like a sword over your head is not right, not at all. Its unacceptable, and you need to let her know as such.


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## ferndog

So there you have it two point of views. One the macho side 
The other admitting you f Ed and own your own.
Now I never said accept the room mate option. You do all you can to save your marriage and if she doesn't hear it or wants part of it then you don't live there. 

If she is not dating she there is a chance. If she is dating then I myself wouldn't stay
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rgbarnum

(this is me) I do believe youre right about the indifference between an EA and PA, and no neither of our previous marraiges ended due to that. 

(Ferndog) Well, I can for certain, say I would not have taken it to the next level, it really was just a bunch of BS talk, I am gone so often, as I am now so I am trying to mend this from 2000 miles away, and if I was going to go to the next level I could have done so many times. Hence lies the problem that she is not so sure I havent. The idea of the slow and steady method seems pretty resonable. She is not dating, and after talking she has no intention of this. 

(Kasler) I have already thought about dang near all you have said, and yes it ticked me off when I thought of it, but the end state for why I am still buying a house and supporting her business is as much for my kids as it would be for her. I could not stay with someone just for the kids, but i would sacrifice to be with my kids. But you nailed the "divorce sword", and would agree that is BS. Not doing an "OK heres a house" stay with me thing. It has been made very clear that it is, and will be my home as well, and either way it ends up there will be no other person admitted to this home. Boundries have been made about that. As far as the "verbal abuse" she wants to give, for the time being, I do take it and in some way I hope it helps her get through her anger. When is it enough, cant say. What brought this one was of my doing in that her and I did make a promise to stop the "talking". She did, I didnt so I am taking the lumps for that not the priors.


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## rgbarnum

clarification on the "divorce sword" what is going on is not do this or I will divorce, I am the one who does not want a divorce and she is more than capable of making it with getting her own house. I choose not to let that happen, she isnt after my bank account by no means, in fact she is the one who fixed it after an ex screwed me over pretty bad. To veiw her as a bad woman is far for the fact that she is a great woman. We both made a mistake in even talking with another person. The after math of that is after a promise to one another, out of bordome and a breif bout of stupidity I did it again.


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## ferndog

Do not seem weak in front of her this is true. But show her love. Don't bring up that past. Just show her you love her and if she still wants a D well you'll know 2 things. 1 you did all you could to save the marriage
And 2 you are not good at marriage do maybe don't bother again. 0-3 that's an out buddy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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