# How to Separate with love



## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

I've been married for 16+ years, most of those years happy with a loving man that was a bit emotionally unavailable. I spend a lot of time nurturing his needs & reassuring him of my love which I thought was being attentive. About 4 years ago he went through this really deep dark depression & pushed me away completely. During this time I realized that I had allowed the entire time of our marriage to be consumed with his needs, denying my own. Not only that but I allowed his insecurities to drive away any family & friends we had. I had no support group, no one to talk to, I only had him. This was fine when he was my best friend, but he turned away from me during this depression & I had no one. Simply.. I begged him for attention in every way possible & was repeatedly denied. I began an EA, which was totally unintentional. I had no friends or family & needed someone to talk to. I quickly ended it when I realized it turned into an EA & admitted it to my Husband but it destroyed his trust in me. He proceeded to attack me emotionally & made me feel inhuman. At one point he even told the kids I don't love them anymore. We went to therapy for 3 months & the therapist told him he has a borderline personality & needs to be medicated. He took it as an attack as well & refused going again. 

This was a year & a half ago. I spend most of last summer trying to make amends, but was rejected by him tracking my phone records & reading my emails. Treating me as if he owned me & expected me to do all he demanded without hesitation or question. I finally stepped back & saw my behavior was feeding into what could be considered emotional abuse. It's something we may have been teetering on for our entire marriage. When I finally began to withdraw & work on myself he finally began to engaged. He still was in my email & phone tracking my every move & word. It just feels like all the engagement he is giving is with the expectation of reward. He's not doing it to help us. 

I've begged for therapy... Well, no go.... I see no other way but to ask for a separation. I love this man dearly & really he is a wonderful father. All I need from him is to see me, to let me cry & hug me, to tell me he will fight my fears with me & be my foundation again. I say this to him & he said "no, you need to give me reassurances" then proceeds to tell me the last time we had sex. So here's the deal, he & I want the same thing. We want the other to be there whole heartedly. We both want reassurances, friendship, love, & support. Neither of us are budging. Since we are stuck in this repeat conversation, I would like to write it in a letter & read it to him, just to get it out, that I would like to try a trial separation. I'm hoping you can give me some ideas. I don't want to walk away from this as an enemy. I truly do want to work on this. 

**Do you know of any beautiful sweet words I could use to simply say... we are broken, & I love you. I want to love you always & feel you to love me, but in order for us both to grow we need time to heal from the damage we have already done....?


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Awishforjoy said:


> I see no other way but to ask for a separation.


Don't do it. You're a long way from a hopeless marriage.



> We both want reassurances, friendship, love, & support. Neither of us are budging.


It sounds to me like you guys both made a lot of mistakes but are ripe for reconciliation. But you need help. You may get some good advice here but MC might be the best thing to get you over this hump. I know he won't do this now but give him time. Don't try to beat hi to the separation punch as if you score bonus points.

My advice: don't rush to throw your marriage away. Step back and find a way to revitalizing it.


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

He has made it abundantly clear that he will never go to counseling again. He says I'm the problem and that I just need to start reassuring him. 

I've been in counseling now for a year and a half consistently. Even the counselor says that he might be beyond therapy and that I'll be the one to have to change. That will put me right back where we were if he doesn't budge and work on himself. 

:/

I'm still trying, but I really see no other way but to both take time and work on ourselves.


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## ladymisato (Aug 5, 2014)

Awishforjoy said:


> He has made it abundantly clear that he will never go to counseling again.


People say that all the time. If he's not moving to divorce then he's



> He says I'm the problem and that I just need to start reassuring him.


You can play along with this but I doubt it will have the effect he seeks. He needs to work out his demons.



> I've been in counseling now for a year and a half consistently. Even the counselor says that he might be beyond therapy and that I'll be the one to have to change. That will put me right back where we were if he doesn't budge and work on himself.
> 
> :/
> 
> I'm still trying, but I really see no other way but to both take time and work on ourselves.


I think you hit the nail on the head with that last statement. You can accomplish a lot just focusing on being a better person. Then, when he finally wakes up to realize this, you'll be ahead of the game.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Define, lightly what the EA entailed and what communication methods you used. Not a play by play just, "sexted sex play, nude pics" or "told him i loved him and texted innocent stuff 9999 times a day."

Understand. SOP in most cases is transparency in all communication is the result of any affair, physical or not.

Did he find out or did you confess?


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## Awishforjoy (Jun 20, 2013)

EA was in a game chat and escalated to text and at the end it was phone calls. Never was there any sexting or pictures. We never knew what either of us looked like. 

It lasted all of one month and we discussed frustrations in our lives. I talked a lot about my husband and kids, he talked about his job. He took a new job and in the transition professed that he might be falling for me and i told him that we should probably stop talking. We spoke a few days later in the game once or twice and my husband confronted me. I told him everything and texted the guy once more to tell him he knew. I cut off the game completely. 

My husband logged into the game as me and called me a lying **** and said that if this person ever reached out to me again he would "end him." Clearly he didn't take it well.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I advise against separation because he will perceive it as another rejection from you, not to mention an outlet to get your needs met outside the marriage. That would be a deal breaker for me.

He's punishing and testing you by saying no to counseling. I feel the only thing you can do besides divorce is step outside yourself and give him the reassurances he wants. Constantly and repeatedly. You gotta prove to him you're not just a fair weather spouse. 

There comes a time in life when we just have to forget ourselves and be the first one to exercise some faith, step up and be the first one to show total commitment. Why would he be the first one to do this when you were the one to go outside the marriage? It's on you. How committed are you?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Awishforjoy said:


> The therapist told him he has a borderline personality & needs to be medicated.


Joy, if the therapist is correct about your H having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), medication will not make a dent in that disorder. The reason that meds are prescribed for BPDers is that BPD nearly always is accompanied by one or more of the "clinical disorders" such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, or PTSD. For example, about 35% of the male BPDers have GAD (Generalized Depressive Disorder).

I lived with a BPDer (my exW) for 15 years. I know first hand how disorienting and confusing it can be to live with a BPDer and would be glad to discuss it with you. If you are interested, I discuss what it is like to live with a BPDer at my posts in Maybe's Thread. I also list the red flags for BPD in my post at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those discussions ring a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Joy.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Like I said. Generally communication transparency is required after even an EA. Yours was relatively "light" compared but still, trust was broken. My wifes was similar but started in FB. The one thing I absolutely loathe is my blind trust is gone. Blind trust foolish? Possibly but I miss it. I trigger less and less a year and a half in and the random anger thing is gone. Sometimes I will see her emailing and I trigger a bit, not like before. To date there is no evidence of further contact and yes, I occasionally verify.

You have TONS of other issues clouding.


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