# Struggling with therapy during separation



## SybMC (Oct 7, 2015)

Hi all -- this is my first post here. I am glad to have found such a supportive community of people!

I'm writing because I am at the beginning of a separation (we separated about 1.5 weeks ago), so it's possible part of my anxiety may just be due to how early it is.

We have planned to continue to see our therapist through this separation, whom we first began to see in April. We both liked her a lot initially, as she is very open-minded and professional. I picked her because she was a specialist with the issues that my partner is dealing with (and the root of our issues). 

In recent sessions, because she is so familiar with providing therapy for the struggles my partner goes through, I have been feeling very paranoid and anxious that she is "siding" with him. In reality, I know this is ridiculous and just my anxiety. She really has done a great job being an unbiased, reasonable mediator. But it's stupid things like how she'll laugh at my partner's jokes (he is very charismatic in general, and I've been very subdued in our sessions), meanwhile correcting and disagreeing with me often when I mention I had read some article/study about relationships. 

Unfortunately, my feelings have not been able to be objective. I feel very defensive around her, despite realizing I'm being petty.

On top of that, I have issues with the terms of separation that she guided us towards in this past session. My partner and I both went in thinking we'd have a couples' session every 2-3 weeks, and maybe 1 individual session each in between. I'd also read about how it was important to have dates with each other or keep a little bit of (non-confrontational) communication with each other in between. She highly disagreed about having any communication (save "business" type conversations), and said we should have couples session once a month, minimum. She felt we both needed to go into this separation "unbiased" (i.e., open to both divorce or re-kindling our relationship), and that frequent meetings would not allow us enough time to get into the right headspace for this.

I felt pressured to agree to this, but in the few days after this, I am really struggling with it. The most difficult part is neither my partner or I really wanted to separate, and have only agreed to it as a last resort due to our value differences. We love each other, and we love being around each other. We -want- to see each other.

What on earth can we accomplish in one hour a month of contact? Is it even wise to continue with a therapist I am distrustful of? Does anyone have any recommendations at all? I feel like the separation terms she set us up with is dooming us to fail.


----------



## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Syb- it is usually thought that an IC works for you and a MC works for the marriage. I don't see how your present counselor can wear two hats. If you are uncomfortable with this person, fire her and find another you and your SO are more comfortable with.

I am not a fan of separation where the couple never talks. How can you work out problems if you're not face to face listening to each other? You might as well get a divorce. If you two are not abusive to each other, what is the point of living on separate islands?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Whatever the objective reality is and whether her advice is good or bad, I say trust your gut. And if you and your husband are feeling pressured by the MC to separate, when neither of you truly wants that, then I think you have surrendered too much or your autonomy to a third person. This is your marriage, not hers. I say get yourself a new MC and then, liked Absurdist recommends, get a separate person for individual counseling if you really think individual counseling is necessary.


----------



## SybMC (Oct 7, 2015)

Thanks for the responses!

She says that the individual sessions are to talk about "confidential" information that she can help the individual decide what does/doesn't need to be brought up in couples therapy. Is this not a common practice? Does anyone else have experience with working with a therapist during a separation?

Also, what do we do about getting another therapist to help us manager our separation? That sounds tricky.


----------

