# Sex fixes everything?



## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I have noticed a strange pattern with my H. If he doesn't get any sex for a couple days, he will get angry and withdrawn, refusing to speak to me, but I have no idea why. When I finally try to figure out why, he will lash out at me and give me a laundry list of everything he finds fault with me for, from how I do the laundry to how I pay the bills. I am accused of not loving him, along with all the other offenses, plus stuff from years ago gets brought up. Finally, I figure out then he just wants sex and thinks its been too long, and once he gets that, he's fine and not upset with me about all these things again. I don't get it, if he has issues with how I do things, shouldn't we work them out or discuss them? Or does sex just magically fix everything?

And when I say it has been a few days, I literally mean a few days....last time he fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow 2 nights in a row, then the next night I went to bed a little early because I had a bad headache. That's when I got the silent treatment for 2 days and the angry outburst. And when I do try to talk to him about my supposed issues when things are calm, he tells me I'm crazy and he never said that stuff. 

Maybe its me being overly sensitive, but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am a woman and I totally understand how your husband feels.. men are in their sexual prime in their earlier years.. women don't get it. I didn't GET IT EITHER (as I was always satisfied)....until the tables turned and my H was slowing down and I would have been acting LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.. I would have been hell on wheels if I had to wait days.. he did try to give it to me every day.. thankfully...

It became a running Joke when I started to get grouchy that I needed LAID....we even started to call it My "FiX". 

I am really NOT exaggerating here.. What I am trying to tell you is.. you are a woman and don't have the amounts of Testosterone cursing through your body he does, it makes him ANTSY...and it's uncomfortable when he is craving you like that.. so trying to stay away *is difficult for him*.... He is probably relieving himself and resenting the fact his wife isn't wanting it as much as him.. if at all possible try to be there for him every other day.. it could be help things between you.. meet him half way....give him a BJ , a quickie if you're just not up for the whole thing.... 

When this came over me... it was crazy how it affected my mind...... I really THINK I "get men" and why they are like this... I know I had some sort of hormonal surge going on.. if this is what men feel like .. some learn to live with it ...but some it takes a great hit on their attitudes. Even my own H , back in the day, he was more grouchy when he wasn't get it enough.. Very common. 

Yeah, when your HIGH DRIVE.. it makes everything in your world brighter to feel deeply desired, wanted -there isn't a better way to START the day or end the night !


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

I get that, I really do....but what would be wrong with a little communication? "Honey, I'm sorry if I seem a little grumpy, but I'm horny". And why is it ok for him to fall asleep 2 nights in a row when I wanted to initiate something, but if I do it all heck breaks loose?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Does sex fix everything? Yeah, good sex does.
For a man, it's like someone taking a huge load off your back and everything in the world seems good again. It may be a quickly fleeting fix, but if the relationship is good, yes, it does seem to fix quit a bit. It lines everything back up. It's like getting a full tank of gas, an oil change, new tires, new brakes and a full detail. Everything seem brighter and better.
One other strange thing. After sex, I get VERY, VERY hungry for some reason.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sex fixes everything? 

No, but it sure does make it a lot more bearable!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Does sex put me in a better mood? Definitely. But yeah, if the dude can't go 3 days without getting pissy...he needs to get a grip.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

mace17 said:


> I have noticed a strange pattern with my H. If he doesn't get any sex for a couple days, he will get angry and withdrawn, refusing to speak to me,. . . he will lash out at me .. . . . Finally, I figure out then he just wants sex and thinks its been too long, and once he gets that, he's fine .....
> 
> I don't get it, if he has issues with how I do things, shouldn't we work them out or discuss them? Or does sex just magically fix everything?
> 
> ...


OK I've been here from his side. So I want to give you his side and since I think I've pretty much got over it. some advice for both of you. I also want to comment that Simply Amorous really hit the nail on the head. She does understand.

First I'm diabetic and I have a symptom they now call "Hangry" Anger that is caused buy Hunger. My Hangry symptom has helped me to understand and deal with my sexual frustration anger. I don't realize that I am hungry, I just know that something is wrong and I want it fixed. My body is in sugar crisis and will do anything to survive. I remember telling a fast food server to stop worrying about my change and give me the damned orange juice now.

This is how your husband is on day three. He has forgotten that he is horny, He just knows something is wrong and he will keep acting out until it gets fixed. He may even resist sex. 

My wife like you would wonder why I was acting so strangely. She would withdraw for self protection. This only made me more desperate to fix the problem. Part of the solution was for her to increase her level of affection. I know is sounds like the opposite of what is needed. Either she needs safety or he needs sex, but in fact he (I) needs security. He needs to believe that the sex will come. Then he can relax.

OK That's what is going on with him. Now the second part I quoted: Yes there is some problem with the things that come out when he is frustrated. But, they are level 1 annoyances. no big deal. The sexual frustration is a level five emergency, but he has been trained not to be pushy about sex so he substitutes all the level 1's for the level 5. When you solve the level 5 the level 1's go back to no big deal. So yes they are things you could work on, but they will not eliminate the level 5. When he feels secure in his supply of sex, affection, and connection with you, then the level 5 will go away and he will not care about the 1's. 

There is a chance that there is a 3 in there somewhere that will need to be worked on but the 5 is all he is really reacting to.

Along with removing his insecurity about sex he needs to be empowered to talk about his needs. If you say things like in the last paragraph "he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid". He will not feel safe in asking for a lay. This will lead to frustration. In fact you thinking this "he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid" is showing your own insecurity. You want to be loved as a whole person, but his selfish behavior is making you doubt that he does love you in the way you want. It is likely that he does love you that way. It is likely that under the bad habit of blowing up to get sex, is the same guy you fell in love with. The best way to get him back to the surface is to help him relax his defense, by increasing your displays of affection.

This is not an easy thing to learn. It involves some risk.

Sorry that's so long and I think I missed something.
MN


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> Does sex put me in a better mood? Definitely. But yeah, if the dude can't go 3 days without getting pissy...*he needs to get a grip.*


Wocka wocka!

:smthumbup:


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I was trying to take the high road, Gus.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> I was trying to take the high road, Gus.


Hey, that's cool. You hit 'em up high, and I'll hit 'em low!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

mace17 said:


> *I get that, I really do....but what would be wrong with a little communication? "Honey, I'm sorry if I seem a little grumpy, but I'm horny". And why is it ok for him to fall asleep 2 nights in a row when I wanted to initiate something, but if I do it all heck breaks loose?*


I must have conveniently missed those parts in your story.. did he take care of himself shortly before? This is what comes to mind.. 

I would not understand his NOT jumping to be with you, if he was THAT horny.. unless he is building resentment and trying to give you a taste of how he is feeling.. actually my H did a little bit of this , he felt rejected by me (in our past).....he resolved the fact he'd let me COME ON TO HIM.. (He would have loved every day too but I wasn't thinking about it THAT MUCH)....

... and I remember him acting like he didn't want it ... he wanted to MAKE ME SUFFER A BIT (so I learned 6 yrs ago opening this conversation up)... but he couldn't resist me.. and because of this , I never even KNEW he was growing some resentment.. that's just a piece of our earlier years. 

Start communicating.. I hope you can get him to open up.. this should help you both understand each other.. many times men are not comfortable talking about their feelings though, it just seems more difficult for them.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If my husband treated me like that I wouldn't want to have sex with him. I would feel used. He should treat you with respect whether you have sex with him or not.

I have read that some men and women tend to get tense if they haven't had sex for awhile. Neither me nor my husband experience this.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK I've been here from his side. So I want to give you his side and since I think I've pretty much got over it. some advice for both of you. I also want to comment that Simply Amorous really hit the nail on the head. She does understand.
> 
> *First I'm diabetic and I have a symptom they now call "Hangry" * Anger that is caused buy Hunger. My Hangry symptom has helped me to understand and deal with my sexual frustration anger. I don't realize that I am hungry, I just know that something is wrong and I want it fixed. My body is in sugar crisis and will do anything to survive. I remember telling a fast food server to stop worrying about my change and give me the damned orange juice now.
> 
> ...


Deejo brought us "monogamish".

I'm trademarking "horngry".


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Perhaps there is a tacit or forgotten agreement that he feels you arent living up to. I remember my ex-wife and I settled on a certain number and when she didnt meet with me, I usually felt taken for granted.
Examine your talks and then ASK him if there is a reason he acts this way. Does he even realize he is doing it? What can you do to help? 

BTW how old are each of you and how long have you been married?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> If my husband treated me like that I wouldn't want to have sex with him. I would feel used. He should treat you with respect whether you have sex with him or not.
> 
> I have read that some men and women tend to get tense if they haven't had sex for awhile. Neither me nor my husband experience this.


Happily, you hit it right on the head too. His defensive behavior is counter productive. He gets her all turned off by stomping and bullying around the house, when he should be communicating. It's just a bad habit. Any habit can be changed.

It is quite likely that they both love and respect each other. They have lost sight of that and are letting the bad habit define the relationship.
MN


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Happily, you hit it right on the head too. His defensive behavior is counter productive. He gets her all turned off by stomping and bullying around the house, when he should be communicating. It's just a bad habit. Any habit can be changed.
> 
> It is quite likely that they both love and respect each other. They have lost sight of that and are letting the bad habit define the relationship.
> MN


This is what has turned my marriage around (for now anyhow).

To me, sex does fix everything!!!

I used to get grumpy after 3 or 4 days of no sex. I would become quiet. Not helpful around the house. It only made the situation worse.

Now I try to be closer in other ways other than sexual. I actually make sure I don't do anything sexual. No hugs, no suggestions, etc. Those things would lead to rejections which led to me being grumpy. 

I talk to her. Help her with supper. With cleanup. Be happy and pleasant to be around. Talk with her about my day. Ask her about hers. Watch TV with her and interact with her, rather than spending the evening on my Ipad.

This has been very hard for me to do. Seems like I am not doing anything that would promote intimacy. To me, intimacy is about being physical. To my wife, intimacy is about being close (mentally).

We still might go a week without sex, but it doesn't get to be a couple of weeks like it used to when I pressured her. And the time between being sexual is actually good. It used to be good (when sexual) and but very uncomfortable in between.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

It only fixes everything if you plan on staying in bed 24/7. Justifying himself to treat you like crap because he's horny, after only a few days, give me a break, there are guys on here that have gone years and still don't treat their wife badly. Sex is the ultimate distraction, but as soon as you're dressed again, the world comes right back again. I predict that the more crappy he is towards you, the more you're not going to want to have sex with him and you will find yourself in a vicious circle in an unhappy marriage.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

mace17 said:


> Maybe its me being overly sensitive, but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.


Getting cranky and snarky after three days without is pretty childish, frankly.

At the same time, you can substitute sex with almost any human need and you'll have virtually the same scenario. How many of us would be Mr. or Mrs. Sunshine after a few days without food, for example?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BurningHeart said:


> It only fixes everything if you plan on staying in bed 24/7. Justifying himself to treat you like crap because he's horny, after only a few days, give me a break, there are guys on here that have gone years and still don't treat their wife badly. Sex is the ultimate distraction, but as soon as you're dressed again, the world comes right back again. I predict that the more crappy he is towards you, the more you're not going to want to have sex with him and you will find yourself in a vicious circle in an unhappy marriage.


You don't get it. It isn't about being in bed 24/7!

When my wife and I are intimate, my entire attitude with the rest of the world is better. I am happier at work. I am more motivated at work. I am better at dealing with co-workers and clients and friends. I don't know if it is a chemical reaction or just emotional. But it is real.

That being said, the husband being a jerk after two days without sex isn't help things.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

First I think that the insights provided by Mr. Nail are great advice. 

For me sex does solve just about everything. Well not really, but it does release bonding hormones that make me feel close and loving toward my wife. That that usually improves any other problem we may be having at the moment.




SadSamIAm said:


> ...To me, sex does fix everything!!!
> 
> I used to get grumpy after 3 or 4 days of no sex. I would become quiet. Not helpful around the house. It only made the situation worse.
> 
> ...


I think that SadSamIAm may be married to my wife, as I agree with much of what he said also.

However, I want to provide the original poster with a slightly different insight as well, based on my experience.

As a man who was in a Sex Starved Marriage, where we didn't have sex for months at a time and as a man who basically has been rejected by his wife in horrible and emotionally damaging ways, Sex does solve a lot or should I say that lack of sex causes a lot of problems.

One of my great fears that I have not yet learned to get past is that my wife might backslide from our regular twice a week sex to her old ways. That is a HUGE fear of mine. When the amount of time without sex starts to reach a week, that fear tends to kick in strongly. When it does, I may not be great company.

Similarly, when my wife complains at dinner about feeling exhausted, or needing to get a really good night's sleep, or having a headache, I will pretty much stay up late until I am exhausted and she is asleep, so that I crawl into bed and immediately fall asleep. That is me behaving badly, but not wanting to re-open emotional scars of rejection.

My wife and I have talked about this and she has told me she understands that sex is that important to me, that our marriage came close to ending, and she made a commitment to provide me with the sex I need (most of the time) to the limits she can. 

We have agreed that in those situations where I need sex, or am afraid she no longer is valuing our marriage and her promises she made to me, I need to "man up" and tell her I need sex. Good advice that is sometimes hard to live up to, but worthy of trying to.

The point is that (as Mr Nail said), it may be more about fear and insecurity than it is about the need for sex. It can also be about both.

One of the best books I have read that describes me is Dr. Sue Johnson's book, Hold Me Tight. I talks about how much people need touch and to feel emotionally bonded with others, especially a wife. Sex releases the same hormones that provide for bonding and I can physically feel the change it makes in my mood. If you can't give your H sex, you might give him a vigorous back/leg massage that will aslo release those bonding hormones as a substitute for sex.

When I am in the mood and my W isn't, and we have discussed this a lot, I try to step up and tell her that I love her and that she should get a good nights sleep, as I have special plans for her either in the morning or the following night. She usually laughs, then we kiss and fall asleep.

A final point, while 3 days isn't a long enough time frame for me, when I was in a Sex Starved Marriage, I found that after about 14 days, my almost insurmountable need for sex with my wife, started to disappear. When sex was a once every other month or so thing, I actually didn't want to have sex with my wife, as I knew that having sex would start my addiction withdrawal pain soon start again. I am sure that such a withdrawal time is different for everyone, but you might want to think about that as well.

For me 3 to 4 days is about the time it takes for the bonding hormones I get after sex with my wife to dissapear.

Good luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I want to be very clear here. I'm not suggesting that sex fixes anything. The vicious cycle in this relationship is he is insecure because he doesn't think she loves him because he isn't receiving sex as regularly as he needs. He responds by attacking her verbally. She is insecure because she thinks he doesn't love her because of the way he handles his insecurity (he attacks her verbally). She responds to her insecurity by withdrawing from him. 

She cannot fix his response it is his bad habit only he can fix it. She can change her response. By failing to withdraw she can increase his security. That is what he needs, not more sex, more Security.

I want to be perfectly clear. In my experience I am getting Half the sex, and I feel better about the relationship. 

Now the hope is that when our OP changes what she can change Her husband will see and be curious. He will want to make the change he needs to make and she can guide him to it.

The OP has sexual desire for her husband, They have pretty regular sex. They need to fix this before the distrust and resentment build this into a sexless marriage. 
MN


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

mace17 said:


> I don't get it, if he has issues with how I do things, shouldn't we work them out or discuss them? Or does sex just magically fix everything?


As a man I can safely say SOME TIMES we aren't even aware of a correlation. Forgive me here, but it SOUNDS like you know how to fix this, but really don't feel like it. 

Sex does NOT fix everything, but it fixes a lot. My ex said there is only ONE thing keeping us together. When she CHOOSE to eliminate that, there was NOTHING to keep us together. Be careful what you do.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

It's cute how you pretend to not know it's an issue and you don't know what's going on, while your entire post admits it's an issue.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

In my mind there is a difference between him being unavailable (as in falling asleep early three days in a row) and getting pi$$y due to lack of sex versus him getting turned down three days in a row and getting pi$$Y about lack of sex.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How about a simple solution?

Every third day offer him some kind of sexual outlet?

Neither of you seem to be very good at communicating about sexual desire -- or lack thereof.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

mace17 said:


> I have noticed a strange pattern with my H. If he doesn't get any sex for a couple days, he will get angry and withdrawn, refusing to speak to me, but I have no idea why. When I finally try to figure out why, he will lash out at me and give me a laundry list of everything he finds fault with me for, from how I do the laundry to how I pay the bills. I am accused of not loving him, along with all the other offenses, plus stuff from years ago gets brought up. Finally, I figure out then he just wants sex and thinks its been too long, and once he gets that, he's fine and not upset with me about all these things again. I don't get it, if he has issues with how I do things, shouldn't we work them out or discuss them? Or does sex just magically fix everything?
> 
> And when I say it has been a few days, I literally mean a few days....last time he fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow 2 nights in a row, then the next night I went to bed a little early because I had a bad headache. That's when I got the silent treatment for 2 days and the angry outburst. And when I do try to talk to him about my supposed issues when things are calm, he tells me I'm crazy and he never said that stuff.
> 
> Maybe its me being overly sensitive, but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.


Honey, I told you to stay off TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Mace17
Sex doesn't fix everything, but lack of sex can make life miserable. 

That doesn't mean that you should always have to have sex with him, but if he is a high drive person, he will be much happier if you can frequently do something sexual for him. 

Does he take care of your sexual desires?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

More communication and more sex. Easy fix.

After sex, colors are brighter, my appetite increases, I become more motivated, more romantic, more positive about everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You don't get it. It isn't about being in bed 24/7!
> 
> When my wife and I are intimate, my entire attitude with the rest of the world is better. I am happier at work. I am more motivated at work. I am better at dealing with co-workers and clients and friends. I don't know if it is a chemical reaction or just emotional. But it is real.
> 
> That being said, the husband being a jerk after two days without sex isn't help things.


I do get it! But I don't think her world is all sunshine and rainbows after sex, since she is getting treated poorly, except when she is giving it up. I do understand that everyone feels happier after sex, but your marriage has to have more than just that and it doesn't sound like hers does.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I can get pissy after not having sex for a few days. When I was younger, I admit that I did not handle this as well as I should have. I used to pout and I used to argue about sex with my wife. Now I don't believe that I was an ass 24/7 until I got my next fix, but it would have moments of irritability, get over it and be ok for awhile and get back into a funk again. But I'll say that I THINK that I handle it better now. I communicated my feelings to my wife,and maybe OP's H doesn't do that.

I hope that I'm a better H now than then. I'd like to think I am. But there is also a flip side to this too. My W learned that sex is important to a man and it's a way to maintain a connection. I think over time, we converged on a regular schedule for love making based on mutual understanding that took some time to learn.

In the OP's situation, we don't have enough info to know if he's a passive/aggressive non communicative jerk or just a normal guy. He sounds like he needs a Midol, but maybe that's based on his wife's perception.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am a woman and I totally understand how your husband feels.. men are in their sexual prime in their earlier years.. women don't get it. I didn't GET IT EITHER (as I was always satisfied)....until the tables turned and my H was slowing down and I would have been acting LIKE YOUR HUSBAND.. I would have been hell on wheels if I had to wait days.. he did try to give it to me every day.. thankfully...
> 
> It became a running Joke when I started to get grouchy that I needed LAID....we even started to fall it My "FiX".
> 
> ...


-----
Oh boy...how right the above is! I met my wife when I was 25 and she 26. In the beginning things weren't too bad but we married when we were 30....I had testosterone gushing through my veins...I wanted sex - no, I wanted to make love to my wife on a daily basis (atleast!). She was the opposite and made it quite clear to me. BJ's were simply disgusting and perverted, she wasn't really interested in sex and didnt care that I was. My 'advances' weer rejected 90% of the time. 

All this took its toll on me. We are now both 50/51 and I am no longer interested in sex with my wife. I have gone from VHD to VVVLD....she has gone from VVVVVLD to maybe just VLD. I am not interested nor really able to satisfy her.

When I needed (wanted) her when I was in my prime and was rejected/kicked back/cut down so often...well, she damaged me beyond repair. She is now reaping what she sowed....


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

mace17 said:


> Maybe its me being overly sensitive, but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.



I think this is a common thought amongst women. I have no idea what your husband is actually thinking so this may be way off base. 

I've gotten this from my wife a handful of times in 15+ years and of course I deny it because it isn't true. I have half a mind to offer her the opportunity to feel what that would be like for a limited amount of time to settle the issue. Something like for the next week or two you don't turn me down and the sex will be done with no regard for anything other than my pleasure. :rofl:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

anonmd said:


> I have half a mind to offer her the opportunity to feel what that would be like for a limited amount of time to settle the issue. Something like for the next week or two you don't turn me down and the sex will be done with no regard for anything other than my pleasure. :rofl:


Athol Kay at MMSL actually recommends this. I'm not exactly sure why and have never quite figured that one out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

mace17 said:


> I get that, I really do....but what would be wrong with a little communication? "Honey, I'm sorry if I seem a little grumpy, but I'm horny". And why is it ok for him to fall asleep 2 nights in a row when I wanted to initiate something, but if I do it all heck breaks loose?


Many women don't seem to get this and you're not alone here. Sex is the intimacy building block for many men in realtionships. I am in that same boat. I can stay up all night talking on all subjects with my GF and she will call that a great intimacy. she would say that she feels connected more because we did that. I don't. I feel more connected when we have sex and are physically intimate. So long as the physical is being handled the other stuff should follow as well. If it isn't you need to communicate that. Some men arent natural at communication. Hell I have found many a woman who think they are but actually suck at communicating. 

So you need take the reins here. You tell him I have identified this issue of when you're horney you get grumpy. I don't like that approach. Please say Hun need you tonight and we will do that. In turn I need to know that you will communicate with me....

Straight forward and direct and see what he says or does


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Why don't men realize that getting grouchy, angry and detaching because they aren't getting sex is going to make your wife want sex less? It's simple be nice, help out, be affectionate, talk to your wife and your odds of getting sex rises dramatically.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies and the different perspectives. I get that he gets cranky without sex for a couple days, but sometimes life just happens and there are activities or whatever and we can both be exhausted. I can respect that he is tired and needs rest, why can't he do the same for me? It's not like I am rejecting him on a regular basis or anything. I just wish he could tell me what's really bothering him instead of going off on me about everything I've supposedly done wrong in the last year. I had asked him several times before the big blow up, and he kept saying nothing was wrong. Then I try to snuggle and give him some loving, and just when he's about to get what he wants is when he unloads about everything I do that irritates him. As one of the posters pointed out, it is not that easy to be in a loving mood when he's yelling at me and saying "F you" repeatedly. But I did anyway and then all was good. I just feel that if he has a problem with something I'm doing or not doing right, we should discuss it and resolve it, not sweep it under the rug only to get thrown in my face when he's in a bad mood.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BurningHeart said:


> I do get it! But I don't think her world is all sunshine and rainbows after sex, since she is getting treated poorly, except when she is giving it up. I do understand that everyone feels happier after sex, but your marriage has to have more than just that and it doesn't sound like hers does.


The answer is to be there sexually and to work on the sunshine and rainbows. Denying the sex will just ensure bad weather.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why don't men realize that getting grouchy, angry and detaching because they aren't getting sex is going to make your wife want sex less? It's simple be nice, help out, be affectionate, talk to your wife and your odds of getting sex rises dramatically.


The short answer is because they're human beings and human beings often do exactly the opposite of what makes the most sense from a pragmatic standpoint. 

And anybody who thinks women don't respond to physical distress in the exact same way has not been married to one...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why don't men realize that getting grouchy, angry and detaching because they aren't getting sex is going to make your wife want sex less? It's simple be nice, help out, be affectionate, talk to your wife and your odds of getting sex rises dramatically.


It's hard being nice when you're getting kicked in the balls.
Don't get me wrong, I agree with you. It's like seeing these 600 pound people where you need to bust out the wall just to haul them out of their room. Don't they know that they need to eat less? Sure they do, but they are simply unable to.

I know this was the HARDEST part for me. How do I remain "nice, help out, and be affectionate, when I am pissed off because I ain't gettin none?
Not many things in life are harder than this (for a man)


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> The short answer is because they're human beings and human beings often do exactly the opposite of what makes the most sense from a pragmatic standpoint.
> 
> And anybody who thinks women don't respond to physical distress in the exact same way has not been married to one...


How true this is, and how sad.

And every now and then I kick myself in the butt realizing I do it too every now and then.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

askari said:


> -----
> Oh boy...how right the above is! I met my wife when I was 25 and she 26. *In the beginning things weren't too bad but we married when we were 30....I had testosterone gushing through my veins...I wanted sex - no, I wanted to make love to my wife on a daily basis (atleast!). She was the opposite and made it quite clear to me. BJ's were simply disgusting and perverted, she wasn't really interested in sex and didnt care that I was. My 'advances' weer rejected 90% of the time.
> *
> *All this took its toll on me. We are now both 50/51 and I am no longer interested in sex with my wife. I have gone from VHD to VVVLD....she has gone from VVVVVLD to maybe just VLD. I am not interested nor really able to satisfy her.*
> ...


I have read so many stories JUST LIKE YOURS......it seems the Gods have played a cruel Joke on us.. and men get the sorry end of the stick ....that HIS PRIME IS before ours...in his early 20's...and a woman's is like 20 yrs later.. 

I read this enlightening book on Hormones-when I was trying to understand myself The Alchemy of Love and Lust: ....devoting a chapter to each of our hormones & how they interact with each other, the seasons in our lives...how they affect our brains, needs, sexual desires... it explained how young men and older women are sexually matched VERY WELL... as is older men and younger women for that matter.. but as in all things.. those relationships won't last... imagine the insatiable Cougar with the 60 yr old man  


So if the sexes understand each other & can appreciate these antsy differences, catering to each other in our time of NEED... Boy that could go a long long [email protected]#

Not 1 woman in my youth EVER spoke to me about the insatiable needs of a MAN, warned me.. HOW very unfortunate !!......and my H was not a man who Pushed.. at least I always loved sex ....he was more patient than most.. 

He told me before we met, he used to whack it up to 5 times a day.. My Lord !!...who KNEW a guy had THAT much pent up energy -to even manage that many times ! 

When I felt that Fire in my loins in mid life..I would have died & went to heaven with 3 times a day...I felt my mind was Hi-jacked... comparing to when I was younger...I still got hot & bothered just like him...* it just WASN'T AS OFTEN*.. I could go a couple days not really thinking about it..at all! 

It's one of these *>>*


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Why don't men realize that getting grouchy, angry and detaching because they aren't getting sex is going to make your wife want sex less? It's simple be nice, help out, be affectionate, talk to your wife and your odds of getting sex rises dramatically.


Why don't women understand we actually are grouchy, angry and detaching? It generally isn't a conscious thought that hey, I haven't had sex so I'll get grouchy to get some sex. I actually AM GROUCHY and any action to be nice, help out and be affectionate - THAT is the conscious effort. 

Why don't women understand that when you are grumpy, raggedy ass and sensitive a week a month it's not the best way to get affection and consideration from your husband? Some / most of us learn to understand THAT situation and actually be considerate during those periods...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

mace17 said:


> Thank you all for the replies and the different perspectives. I get that he gets cranky without sex for a couple days, but sometimes life just happens and there are activities or whatever and we can both be exhausted. I can respect that he is tired and needs rest, why can't he do the same for me? It's not like I am rejecting him on a regular basis or anything. I just wish he could tell me what's really bothering him instead of going off on me about everything I've supposedly done wrong in the last year. I had asked him several times before the big blow up, and he kept saying nothing was wrong. Then I try to snuggle and give him some loving, and just when he's about to get what he wants is when he unloads about everything I do that irritates him. As one of the posters pointed out, it is not that easy to be in a loving mood when he's yelling at me and saying "F you" repeatedly. But I did anyway and then all was good. I just feel that if he has a problem with something I'm doing or not doing right, we should discuss it and resolve it, not sweep it under the rug only to get thrown in my face when he's in a bad mood.


I'm not saying that you need to reward your H just because he's acting like an a$$h0le - and I hope others aren't either. There is zero reason for someone to call their spouse names and drop constant F-bombs just because it's been 2 days since the last time they had sex. That's childish bull$hit. He needs to communicate his concerns to you when he gets them.

You, OTOH, need to establish firm boundaries with your H on proper treatment and respect. If he refuses to comply, then you walk away from him and tell him that you refuse to engage in any discussion let alone be in the same room with him until he learns how to speak and act like an adult. If he escalates it by breaking things and possibly even hurting you, then you will know that he's unstable and that you need to take immediate action to protect yourself and your kids.

This type of garbage has been allowed to go on in your marriage for way too long.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
as with many conversations, people tend to apply their own experience. Those of us as the HD partners in LD/HD relationships are imagining our own frustration at being constantly rejected for sex for no good reason. 

In this case though it sounds like they have a regular active sex life and occasionally she isn't interested. That really is a different situation.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

askari said:


> -----
> Oh boy...how right the above is! I met my wife when I was 25 and she 26. In the beginning things weren't too bad but we married when we were 30....I had testosterone gushing through my veins...I wanted sex - no, I wanted to make love to my wife on a daily basis (atleast!). She was the opposite and made it quite clear to me. BJ's were simply disgusting and perverted, she wasn't really interested in sex and didnt care that I was. My 'advances' weer rejected 90% of the time.
> 
> All this took its toll on me. We are now both 50/51 and I am no longer interested in sex with my wife. I have gone from VHD to VVVLD....she has gone from VVVVVLD to maybe just VLD. I am not interested nor really able to satisfy her.
> ...


Saw an interesting article posted over at the NMMNG forum that touches on this subject:

Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Yes, there are two conversations going on here


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Only two? Well, the thread's still young.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I get pissy too, I must admit. You rejecting him is why he gives you the cold shoulder. I think men have a duty to their woman to learn as much as they can about women. Women are so different from us that educating ourselves on what makes females tick is really important. Women need to do the same though. If you read OP, you will see there are clear and reasonable explanations for your husbands behavior. You can choose to crucify him for being a man, or you can try to understand him...your choice. Have you read His Needs/Her needs?


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## ply (Jan 26, 2012)

My simple solution is to put out whenever he acts like he might be remotely interested and whenever you get horny.

I've always told my wife that if I just want to bust a nut, she can sleep through it for all I care - and actually we have both fell asleep during sex before. 

Not every sexual venture has to be fulfilling and all that jazz. 

If it keeps things happy in the home, just do it


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Observer said:


> I get pissy too, I must admit. You rejecting him is why he gives you the cold shoulder. I think men have a duty to their woman to learn as much as they can about women. Women are so different from us that educating ourselves on what makes females tick is really important. Women need to do the same though. If you read OP, you will see there are clear and reasonable explanations for your husbands behavior. You can choose to crucify him for being a man, or you can try to understand him...your choice. Have you read His Needs/Her needs?


As a guy, I understand what you are saying and agree. BUT, this situation does not seem to warrant this solution. Her husband is highly passive/aggressive. He won't flat out state that he's hard up and needs a release. What he does instead is ***** at her about everything else BUT his need for intimacy. And he's not just *****ing at her, he's calling her names and telling her to fvck off or fvck you while he's bringing up all of her past sins. 

I'm starting to wonder if the OP cheated on her husband or came close to cheating in the past, and when she does not put out on his schedule he throws her cheating back into her face. If cheating is an issue here, then this puts the situation in a whole new light.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

richardsharpe said:


> In this case though it sounds like they have a regular active sex life and occasionally she isn't interested. That really is a different situation.


I agree. Her husband's conduct is childish and some of us have said as much.

At the same time though, if you ask a general question, you're going to get general responses.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

karole said:


> Sex fixes everything?
> 
> No, but it sure does make it a lot more bearable!


:iagree:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We seem to be saying that women are entitled, noble even, in being selfish whereas men are just needy brooding selfish. Well ok then that clears it up.


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## mace17 (Jul 12, 2013)

Ok I need to clear up a couple of things here I guess....first, there hasn't been any cheating in the past. Second, we do have a decent regular sex life...minimum once a week but usually much more often than that. Third, I did not reject him that night, he didn't even make any advances. I simply said good night and said I was going to bed. He stayed up for quite awhile yet after that, and then I got the cold shoulder the next morning.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

mace17 said:


> Ok I need to clear up a couple of things here I guess....first, there hasn't been any cheating in the past. Second, we do have a decent regular sex life...minimum once a week but usually much more often than that. Third, I did not reject him that night, he didn't even make any advances. I simply said good night and said I was going to bed. He stayed up for quite awhile yet after that, and then I got the cold shoulder the next morning.


without putting words in his mouth, I think he thinks you rejected him prior to him making any advance. He probably already knows your codes words/actions for pre-empting sex and reacts accordingly. And he is probably wrong, some of the time, here. But it is what it is. 

I can tell pretty accurately at 8pm if 'after the kids are asleep' sex is in the cards or not. I need to work on not giving up so easily, but I have been conditioned to know when not to try.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> We seem to be saying that women are entitled, noble even, in being selfish whereas men are just needy brooding selfish. Well ok then that clears it up.


What's the OP's recourse then? She's stated earlier in the thread plus a follow up response (after this one to be fair) stating that she is not rejecting him on a routine basis, and that at a minimum they have sex once per week but typically more than that - guessing 3 times/wk average for most weeks. So what is she supposed to do, keep a log of when they have sex and if her husband is getting into that "danger zone" where he's liable to become a passive/aggressive ass, she needs to preemptively initiate sex so that she doesn't incur is "wrath" later on? Who the fvck wants to live like that??? Sounds like the dude needs to man up and speak up when he wants to have sex and to STFU if he doesn't. 

Someone mentioned that the dynamic appears to be that they have sex, then a couple days later if the husband does not initiate at all, he becomes pure ass when he wakes up the next day? That's bull$hit. If he has a number of how many times he thinks they should have sex, then he needs to communicate this with his wife and act like an adult. 

I wouldn't be surprised if he's one of those "covert contract" type of guys and he gets flips his lid if she doesn't initiate sex because he did something nice for her earlier in the day. The other dynamic that would fit is infidelity, and the OP dispelled that as an issue. So...I'm going with "nice guy who also uses covert contracts and $hit tests" as a possible issue.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> without putting words in his mouth, I think he thinks you rejected him prior to him making any advance. *He probably already knows your codes words/actions for pre-empting sex and reacts accordingly. And he is probably wrong, some of the time, here. But it is what it is. *
> I can tell pretty accurately at 8pm if 'after the kids are asleep' sex is in the cards or not. I need to work on not giving up so easily, but I have been conditioned to know when not to try.


:iagree:!!!!!!

Husbands and Wives really do perform the most intense Pavlovian conditioning on each other's egos and minds. 

For the original poster:

My wife has conditioned me that certain comments of hers mean there is no way in hell we will have sex tonight. Statements like, "I am exhausted" "I had an incredibly hard week and now I have an early meeting at work tomorrow morning" "I can't wait to finish dinner, so I can go to bed early and read a book and finally get a good night's sleep" Can be translated in my marriage to mean sex is not going to happen tonight.

What I can do in such situations it tell my wife I love her and want her to get a really good nights sleep as I have special plans for her either in the morning or the following night. I might even tell her that tomorrow you may want to take a nap at lunch because you will need your rest.

An important element in negotiating compromise in a marriage is setting boundaries and expectations in clear language that is hard to misunderstand.

Good luck.


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

GTdad said:


> Saw an interesting article posted over at the NMMNG forum that touches on this subject:
> 
> Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage


Wow.

Just wow.

She described exactly how I felt when my wife would reject me daily. EXACTLY.

And to think, when I tried to talk to my wife about it, she would tell me that I'm making a big deal about nothing, and that I should go in the bathroom at take care of myself.

Wow.




Anyway, to the OP - believe it or not, I think this happens to most men, just not to such extremes. I used to find that after a few days of rejection from my wife that I was just generally more irritable. But again, this was days of me trying to initiate - I couldn't get her to look at me for all my efforts. The fact that he doesn't initiate and is still mad baffles me though. You should probably just talk to him about it.

I know that sometimes I feel rejected when my wife has a totally different view of what happened.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> :iagree:!!!!!!
> 
> Husbands and Wives really do perform the most intense Pavlovian conditioning on each other's egos and minds.
> 
> ...


I get good results from "ok, let's f$ck tomorrow"


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

GTdad said:


> Saw an interesting article posted over at the NMMNG forum that touches on this subject:
> 
> Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage


Thanks! A really great article!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mace,

Thanks for the additional information and for staying involved in the discussion.

You asked:


> I just wish he could tell me what's really bothering him instead of going off on me about everything I've supposedly done wrong in the last year.


I agree that he has a pretty major problem and should be participating in this conversation. Feel free to invite him or share this with him. He may be like my wife and think that involving outsiders in his private business is improper, useless or just generally icky.

He does need to communicate his needs. In order to do that three things need to exist. One he needs to know what his needs are. Two he has to have a safe venue to express his needs. Three he needs to be willing to express his needs.

His hormones may be getting the best of him and he may not realize his need. You will have to remind him. Touch may be more effective than words. Keeping track of frequency may help him get in touch. We have no idea what will work best for him. You both should probably try a few things.

In order for him to feel safe in expressing his needs he can not feel that his needs will be rejected, marginalized or belittled. For example If I were to say Honey I'd like to do (desired sex act), and she replied Why are you such a pervert? or That's so disgusting what normal person would want that? or Do we have to do that tonight? or We have much more important things to do this week. or (and this is the one I worry about the most with you) You don't care about me as a person you just want to get laid. Then I would not feel safe asking for that again, for months. I might even believe that I am some sort of sick pervert. 

So if he knows what his need is, and he feels safe in expressing it, why wouldn't he be willing to express it? He may be repressed. His personal morals may be hanging him up. He may be wanting you to initiate. (I did read that you do initiate :thumbup Aside form those two reasons he would have to work it out himself. 

So he does need to Communicate. Any you do need to make sure he has a safe place to do that.
MN


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

He needs to communicate MUCH better than this. And if there are legit issues that he's fostering against you, yes, they should be resolved.

To answer the question, does sex fix everything? No. But I do think the bonding that happens during sex, and that continues afterward, fixes a lot more problems than many, many people know, or care to admit. Sex is a form of communication unto itself, a beautiful short hand that cuts through and patches up a lot of BS by drawing you closer to your partner and letting those endorphin highs, that lovey-dovey feeling, cloud your vision a bit and let some of the petty differences melt away.

I think sex is extraordinarily vital to a marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can't like on mobile jaquen so "like".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mace17 said:


> Maybe its me being overly sensitive, but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.


You aren't being overly sensitive. A lot of women would be upset by his behavior. That's the kind of behavior around sex that CREATES sexless marriages if it continues over a long period of time. 

What woman in her right mind would be happy to continue having regular sex for years with a man who unloads on her every time he hasn't had sex for a couple of days? There is no joy and fun in that kind of sex. I would quickly get to the point of resentment that he is RUINING sex for US with his behavior. I'd get to the point where I associate sex with his anger and would resent the hell out of him for it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jaquen said:


> He needs to communicate MUCH better than this. And if there are legit issues that he's fostering against you, yes, they should be resolved.
> 
> To answer the question, does sex fix everything? No. But I do think the bonding that happens during sex, and that continues afterward, fixes a lot more problems than many, many people know, or care to admit. Sex is a form of communication unto itself, a beautiful short hand that cuts through and patches up a lot of BS by drawing you closer to your partner and letting those endorphin highs, that lovey-dovey feeling, cloud your vision a bit and let some of the petty differences melt away.
> 
> I think sex is extraordinarily vital to a marriage.


I agree with one caveat: only mutually good sex does that, fun sex, sex that is enjoyable for both, not the kind of sex that follows when an angry guy gets pissed so his wife has to placate him by having sex so he curbs his anger.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It does for me, but I am high maintenance like that.

Mr Nail and Jaquen have some great advice.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> I agree with one caveat: only mutually good sex does that, fun sex, sex that is enjoyable for both, not the kind of sex that follows when an angry guy gets pissed so his wife has to placate him by having sex so he curbs his anger.


Exactly - also will add that sex where the one party is obviously not into the act and is only participating because it's their duty falls into the category of the angry sex that you noted.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*FACT*


norajane said:


> he is RUINING sex for US with his behavior.


*FICTION*


mace17 said:


> but it makes me feel like he has no interest in me as a person at all, just as long as he gets laid when he wants.


When facing insecurities it is important to separate facts from fictions (or unproven assumptions)
Thanks Nora Jane


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

Sex doesn't fix anything. It only adds to or enhances a relationship that's already good outside of the bedroom.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

GTdad said:


> Saw an interesting article posted over at the NMMNG forum that touches on this subject:
> 
> Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage


FANTASTIC article. It's spot on.

I'd show it to my wife but, after finally reaching the point a couple of weeks ago of saying out loud to her, "I'm just not going to bother trying anymore," having her read the article seems too much like trying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

norajane said:


> You aren't being overly sensitive. A lot of women would be upset by his behavior. That's the kind of behavior around sex that CREATES sexless marriages if it continues over a long period of time.
> 
> What woman in her right mind would be happy to continue having regular sex for years with a man who unloads on her every time he hasn't had sex for a couple of days? There is no joy and fun in that kind of sex. I would quickly get to the point of resentment that he is RUINING sex for US with his behavior. I'd get to the point where I associate sex with his anger and would resent the hell out of him for it.


Potentially a self-perpetuating cycle. One partner rejects, the other acts out (in the way described here or by withdrawing him-/herself), which leads to rejection, which leads to acting out...lather, rinse, repeat. Both parties buikding resentment that's difficult to overcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Engneer (Jun 26, 2011)

ocotillo said:


> I agree. Her husband's conduct is childish and some of us have said as much.
> 
> At the same time though, if you ask a general question, you're going to get general responses.


Just a hunch, but I'm thinking this might be an idiot typing some thoughts and beLIEfs, NOT any real research.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> Deejo brought us "monogamish".
> 
> I'm trademarking "horngry".


Just to let you know Im using that one, cause I get horngry all the time.

And no, Im not paying you royalties.


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

Sex can even complicate a marriage when a spouse thinks they should get it no matter how they act. Sex is suppose to be a mutual act of love and not used like a masturbatory release.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Basic"FairyDust"Love said:


> Sex can even complicate a marriage when a spouse thinks they should get it no matter how they act. Sex is suppose to be a mutual act of love and not used like a masturbatory release.


in the other forum I frequent (younger less married people) there is a truism oft quoted:

"A relationship with sex and no marriage will out last a relationship with marriage and no sex every time"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> What's the OP's recourse then? She's stated earlier in the thread plus a follow up response (after this one to be fair) stating that she is not rejecting him on a routine basis, and that at a minimum they have sex once per week but typically more than that - guessing 3 times/wk average for most weeks. So what is she supposed to do, keep a log of when they have sex and if her husband is getting into that "danger zone" where he's liable to become a passive/aggressive ass, she needs to preemptively initiate sex so that she doesn't incur is "wrath" later on? Who the fvck wants to live like that??? Sounds like the dude needs to man up and speak up when he wants to have sex and to STFU if he doesn't.
> 
> Someone mentioned that the dynamic appears to be that they have sex, then a couple days later if the husband does not initiate at all, he becomes pure ass when he wakes up the next day? That's bull$hit. If he has a number of how many times he thinks they should have sex, then he needs to communicate this with his wife and act like an adult.
> 
> I wouldn't be surprised if he's one of those "covert contract" type of guys and he gets flips his lid if she doesn't initiate sex because he did something nice for her earlier in the day. The other dynamic that would fit is infidelity, and the OP dispelled that as an issue. So...I'm going with "nice guy who also uses covert contracts and $hit tests" as a possible issue.



I think that abusive relationships are incredibly multifaceted and nuanced.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Grayson said:


> Potentially a self-perpetuating cycle. One partner rejects, the other acts out (in the way described here or by withdrawing him-/herself), which leads to rejection, which leads to acting out...lather, rinse, repeat. Both parties buikding resentment that's difficult to overcome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except she's not rejecting him. Read her posts again.

I'm not going to have sex with a husband that is lashing out at me because he's not have sex every two days. Total turn off. An apology from him will be needed before anything happens.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Engneer said:


> Just a hunch, but I'm thinking this might be an idiot typing some thoughts and beLIEfs, NOT any real research.


I'm lost....:scratchhead: What is the antecedent to, "This?" 

Richardsharpe? The OP? Myself?

What research?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

soccermom2three said:


> Except she's not rejecting him. Read her posts again.


Didn't say she was. Read *my* post again, as it was in response to what I read as a more general statement by norajane, also identifying it as a "*Potentially* self-perpetuating cycle."



> I'm not going to have sex with a husband that is lashing out at me because he's not have sex every two days. Total turn off. An apology from him will be needed before anything happens.


Understandable. Never said otherwise. At the same time, though, perhaps communication from the "you" in this hypothetical situation is also in order, yes? Or would you just (understandably) reject his advances and kick-start a similar cycle?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

GTdad said:


> Saw an interesting article posted over at the NMMNG forum that touches on this subject:
> 
> Sexual Rejection's Effect On A Marriage


I have just read the above article. Sad but oh so true.

When I would try and talk to my wife about it, not attacking her but trying to explain to her how her rejections/lack of interest made me feel etc she would brush me aside saying that I was just a 'sex maniac'.

My wife has never let anyone get close to her....I mean, I have a couple of male friends who I have known many years and with whom any thing goes. We talk about work, life, our children, sex, our wives etc.
I know how often they get laid (not intimate details obviously!), that they get BJ's etc. Friends who have seen me at my best and my worst....who I know would pick me up (as I would them) when I fall down...friends who would rush to help me if I was in dire straits, and vice versa.

My wife has never had someone like that who she can talk to...if she did maybe she would have been told that a husband wanting to make love to his wife a couple of times a week and who likes/wants a BJ is NOT a sex maniac, its actually quite normal........then maybe things would have been different then and indeed now.

Its as if she has built a wall round her and won't let anyone - her parents, sister, husband, children in. We've done the MC bit, even the MC couldn't brteak the barriers down and when sex was being discussed my wife just stopped going, saying 'why is sex so important? Its not important to me'


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> :iagree:!!!!!!
> 
> Husbands and Wives really do perform the most intense Pavlovian conditioning on each other's egos and minds.
> 
> ...


And be told 'the only thing you ever think about is sex'....

No thanks. I think most of us would just rather wait for her to say she is 'ready'.....and if by the time she is 'ready' and we have got tired of waiting. Tough. Should have thought about that when you were telling us you were tired etc.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Just be the type of man who won't be denied.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> in the other forum I frequent (younger less married people) there is a truism oft quoted:
> 
> "A relationship with sex and no marriage will out last a relationship with marriage and no sex every time"


I can agree with this, providing there is a ton of sex going on. Once a week or less wouldn't cut it, that would be a lot of time in between to not like each other.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> I think that abusive relationships are incredibly multifaceted and nuanced.


I got the impression that you did not think so earlier, unless of course I misinterpreted the intent of your previous post.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Just be the type of man who won't be denied.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A rapist?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

OP feels a little under weather and goes to bed early. The posters here say she is "denying" sex to her husband.

Her husband falls a sleep when hitting the pillow two night in a row - I guess he is denying her sex at twice the rate.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You are in a abusive relationship. Your husband is verbally abusive and insulting towards you, and sounds like a real jerk. You say you have sex usually three times a week. Let me ask you: are you having sex with him because:

a) you like sex and enjoying it 

b) you are trying to avoid his anger and insults by going "preemptive"

One of these reasons is good, one bad to have sex. I have a husband with anger problem. If he has an outburst, and there is name calling and yelling involved, there is no way I feel like having sex with him anytime soon. I do not feel sexual, my feelings are closer to homicidal at those times. Things have to calm down before I am ready (and I am not LD person). How is it with you?

I also think that you have trained him to yell for sex. He gets abusive towards you and you are rewarding him with sex. It is a learn behavior now. He now knows that's all it takes for you to run to make him happy.

Read "Love busters" - I am pretty sure the first three of the busters are big part of your marriage. 

And to all these people here sympathizing with her husband, excusing their own outburst and moods because of the lack of sex - these are excuses (particularly when we talk here about ONE night). You cannot pout your way to have more sex, the opposite. Who wants to have sex with someone just lashing at them for no reason? It kills desire, it kills trust between partners. It will change HD spouse into LD spouse with the time.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> The posters here say she is "denying" sex to her husband.


Well that merits a big :scratchhead:




WandaJ said:


> And to all these people here sympathizing with her husband, excusing their own outburst and moods...


The OP asked a general question (i.e. Does Sex Magically Fix Everything?) and people tend to respond to general questions based on their own circumstances. And there are certainly circumstances on TAM (Months or Years without) were sex probably would fix everything and some irritation (At least) is justified.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> .it seems the Gods have played a cruel Joke on us.. *and men get the sorry end of the stick* ....that HIS PRIME IS before ours...in his early 20's...and a woman's is like 20 yrs later..


Some women get the sorry end too. I know multiple women who's husband didn't step up like yours did. They had too much retained resentment to step up and keep them happy. 

So long as they don't cheat or leave they're not getting satisfied during their prime either.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Joey2k said:


> A rapist?


I knew someone would go there. I was hoping, but I knew.

I am the farthest thing from a rapist but I am a man that will not be denied or toyed with.

It is a smoldering attitude I am talking about, not a crime.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Well put Conan. Better than I would have answered it.

I think the biggest thing is that men who've been denied for years will become more and more timid. That timidity means they are going to be denied even more. 

Go bold or don't try.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Potentially a self-perpetuating cycle. One partner rejects, the other acts out (in the way described here or by withdrawing him-/herself), which leads to rejection, which leads to acting out...lather, rinse, repeat. Both parties buikding resentment that's difficult to overcome.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OP has tried talking with him, and he denies that he is lashing out at her about irrelevant crap if they go a couple days without sex.

She HAS been having sex to placate him - hence her post here asking for help.

*So since he denies he is doing this, and denies there is a problem, and continues to do it, what does she do now? *Continue to have sex when he lashes out just to placate him? How does that change anything for her? How does that improve their sex life or their marriage?

How can she get through to him if he just denies it when she tries to talk with him? What can she do to get through to him?


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

norajane said:


> The OP has tried talking with him, and he denies that he is lashing out at her about irrelevant crap if they go a couple days without sex.
> 
> She HAS been having sex to placate him - hence her post here asking for help.
> 
> ...


She could try to have a beter understanding and preempt what is coming. In other words, meet his need. Also, while doing that you she needs to talk with him about her needs. One person has to take the lead and stop the cycle and since she is the one getting educated, it falls on her to do it.

The answer is not always "Divorce him/her".


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Observer said:


> She could try to have a beter understanding and preempt what is coming. In other words, meet his need. Also, while doing that you she needs to talk with him about her needs. One person has to take the lead and stop the cycle and since she is the one getting educated, it falls on her to do it.
> 
> The answer is not always "Divorce him/her".


What does that mean, meet his need? She is having sex with him regularly. He gets pissy and grouches at her and picks fights when he hasn't had sex in a couple of days. He is the one who falls asleep two nights in a row when she wanted to initiate. And then he gets pissy with her.

How is she supposed to meet his needs under those circumstances? And what's in it for her, because this sounds like a crappy sex life for her AND a crappy way to have to live. When does she get to feel like sex is about excitement and fun and love instead of about walking on eggshells and charting his temperature on a spreadsheet, so she can prevent him from getting irrationally angry? How is this substantially different from what she is already doing?

It sounds just like an abused wife who has to walk on eggshells and anticipate her H's moods, so as to carefully try to prevent getting beaten by the husband who beats her and says she made him do that.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

norajane said:


> What does that mean, meet his need? She is having sex with him regularly. He gets pissy and grouches at her and picks fights when he hasn't had sex in a couple of days. He is the one who falls asleep two nights in a row when she wanted to initiate. And then he gets pissy with her.
> 
> How is she supposed to meet his needs under those circumstances? And what's in it for her, because this sounds like a crappy sex life for her. When does she get to feel like sex is about excitement and fun and love instead of about walking on eggshells and charting his temperature on a spreadsheet, so she can prevent him from getting irrationally angry?
> 
> It sounds just like an abused wife who has to walk on eggshells and anticipate her H's moods, so as to carefully try to prevent getting beaten by the husband who beats her and says she made him do that.


Once again...he is getting pissy with her from the rejection initially! There is no abuse at all, this is normal young couple stuff frankly. It's not nearly as complicated as some of you want it to be. Fact of the matter is most of the women posters are rushing to demean this man because you think everything relating to sex should be on your terms. What I am trying to say is that it is FACT that most men have a physical and emotional NEED for sex. Rejection is a major emasculating issue for a man, therefore you get this vicious cycle which is being played out.

I agree he needs to work on things, I encourage her to try to get him to read his needs/her needs and anything else that better informs him on women and relationships. BUT, she too has responsibilities as a good partner and if she took the time to understand men better, perhaps her attitude on the matter may change. Everything is perspective...she needs to view the situation with an informed and educated perspective. You too maybe?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

norajane said:


> How can she get through to him if he just denies it when she tries to talk with him? What can she do to get through to him?


Good question, NoraJane. The OP appears to be cast in the role of the adult dealing with angry, hormonal, teenage boy and there's no possible way that could be fun.

I would say that either she wants to be married to the man or she does not. Either she thinks the situation is salvageable or she does not.

If she opts for the former, then like others have said, it's going to require better communication. The feigned ignorance over the source of the irritation (e.g. "...refusing to speak to me, but I have no idea why...) needs to stop. You don't get through to a teenager by being passive aggressive yourself as it only fuels the juvenile, egocentric "Nobody understands me" mindset and causes further bad behavior. 

I would say that she needs to be clear that, "Yes I DO understand why you're irritated, but NO this is NOT the way to get what you want." 

I'm not in any way taking this man's side. It always strikes me as unfair that the person who's being wronged in the relationship is always the person who has to be the adult and try to fix the situation, but what do you do? :scratchhead:


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

NJ - I would like to know what the OP's H really thinks, not her spin on it. I think he is passive agressive and kind of a jerk, but what is the OP in this. Anywhere from rotten to a saint, and really hard to say w/o his perspective.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Observer said:


> Once again...he is getting pissy with her from the rejection initially! There is no abuse at all, this is normal young couple stuff frankly. It's not nearly as complicated as some of you want it to be. Fact of the matter is most of the women posters are rushing to demean this man because you think everything relating to sex should be on your terms. What I am trying to say is that it is FACT that most men have a physical and emotional NEED for sex. Rejection is a major emasculating issue for a man, therefore you get this vicious cycle which is being played out.
> 
> I agree he needs to work on things, I encourage her to try to get him to read his needs/her needs and anything else that better informs him on women and relationships. BUT, she too has responsibilities as a good partner and if she took the time to understand men better, perhaps her attitude on the matter may change. Everything is perspective...she needs to view the situation with an informed and educated perspective. You too maybe?


What rejection? This is not a man who is rejected all the time. He is having more regular sex than a majority of the men who post here. AND his wife initiates.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> Good question, NoraJane. The OP appears to be cast in the role of the adult dealing with angry, hormonal, teenage boy and there's no possible way that could be fun.
> 
> I would say that either she wants to be married to the man or she does not. Either she thinks the situation is salvageable or she does not.
> 
> ...


I think in the best case scenario, he really doesn't "see" his own behavior. He doesn't remember being so *****y with her about irrelevant things. Maybe she could use her phone to record one of these episodes and play it back for him later when he denies saying any of the mean things he's said. That might be a wake up call.

But if he knows he's doing it, then it won't help for him to hear himself.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The heartfelt expression of sex only serves to reinforce the ties of a trusting, flouishing, and loving relationship between a committed couple ~ but it has little to no real effect, and in fact, even resentment, on a relationship that is, for any reason, up against the rocks!*


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

Giving a man sex just because he is pissy is a self-defeating cycle for women. It reinforces the unfortunate thought that a wife is simply the nearest warm hole to be used as his "need" comes. I see it so often that men do not see the resentment that is building up in their wives because they are consistently getting their needs filled.

Don't have sex with a man who can't get it together enough to communicate in a proper manner, straight up. Gather enough resources to weather the attitude that gets thrown around until a) husband stops being an hole or b) you can get away.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I got the impression that you did not think so earlier, unless of course I misinterpreted the intent of your previous post.


It's like women who call each other b^itch because they act like one. And it's vaguely approved of. Whereas if a man acts that way he's a criminal. Fair enough. But let's just admit there's a whole different standard in play. 

I do things literally every day that I'm not thrilled with relationship-wise for the sake of that relationship. That's kind of the point of not being single. Every three hour marathon of Gilmore Girls or going to Bed Bath and Beyond is painful and depressing. But I do that because...well...it's obvious that the downside of refusing to is enormous. And, if it will put a smile on her face, then ok. So let's stop saying that women should never have to bend or accommodate in the least because that would be some new definition of abuse or neglect. It's not. It's unreasonable to say to a woman, any woman that physical intimacy is off the table unless and until all the planets are in alignment and everything is perfect in the world. That's selfish. Or delusional.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Does everyone forget that we are talking about a few sexless days? Not weeks or years, but days? Her feelings are obviously hurt & her desire to have sex will fade even more. She's tried talking to him, to no avail, so the answer is to keep giving him some, just to keep the peace? Maybe it's just me, but when I don't feel close to my wife, I don't want or need sex. She's on her way there.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

norajane said:


> What rejection? This is not a man who is rejected all the time. He is having more regular sex than a majority of the men who post here. AND his wife initiates.


regular sex, yes that is what she hinted at yes. Once a week, soemtimes more. I wonder what he would say the frequency is? 

She initaited after the rejection though...he was trying to pay her back. 
If you are hell bent on demonizing the H, have at it. 

Marriage counseling and the book I mentioned, that is my best advice.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

FrenchFry said:


> Giving a man sex just because he is pissy is a self-defeating cycle for women. It reinforces the unfortunate thought that a wife is simply the nearest warm hole to be used as his "need" comes. I see it so often that men do not see the resentment that is building up in their wives because they are consistently getting their needs filled.
> 
> Don't have sex with a man who can't get it together enough to communicate in a proper manner, straight up. Gather enough resources to weather the attitude that gets thrown around until a) husband stops being an hole or b) you can get away.


I think that is one sided outlook but I do agree that her needs have to be met as well. Maybe because I know young men do not have the tools to understand, I give them the benefit of the doubt. Most men do not fully mature until their 40's. If they do not know how their actions are causing her to act a certain way, they are simply at a loss. It's like sending a man to war with a wooden rifle. This is the reason I tell women to encourage their guy to read about women and relationships. Mean are easy to figure out pretty much, women...not so much. You cannot make him, but you can encourage him to do it. If he won't then you either hope that as he matures he "gets it", or you get out. You don't know what you don't know.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Observer said:


> regular sex, yes that is what she hinted at yes. Once a week, soemtimes more. I wonder what he would say the frequency is?
> 
> I was thinking that too. I believe, my ex really thought we had sex "all the time." I believe the OP feels like MOST weeks they have sex more than once, but unless she is actually tracking it, how does she know? It may seem to her that it's more often than it actuall is if she is satisfied with the amount.
> 
> ...


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

> Originally Posted by Observer View Post
> regular sex, yes that is what she hinted at yes. Once a week, soemtimes more. I wonder what he would say the frequency is?
> 
> I was thinking that too. I believe, my ex really thought we had sex "all the time." I believe the OP feels like MOST weeks they have sex more than once, but unless she is actually tracking it, how does she know? It may seem to her that it's more often than it actuall is if she is satisfied with the amount.
> ...


I don't believe there is such an animal as "passive rejection". If you don't initiate, you cannot be rejected. Husband doesn't initiate because his wife goes to bed early? OK...I was rejected at least 5 times this week. I was GOING TO initiate sex during these 5 times, but my wife was working. Since I wanted to, but didn't initiate since I knew she was occupied doing something else, I'm going to consider that the same as being rejected 5 times...


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

norajane said:


> What rejection? This is not a man who is rejected all the time. He is having more regular sex than a majority of the men who post here. AND his wife initiates.


We need his side of the story to validate the >once per week story. He still is an a$$, but my guess is the sex is much less than he wants. 

My W used to think we had sex all the time, until I made her track it for awhile. SHE WAS SHOCKED, after looking back a month, how low it was.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

The OP has noticed that her H gets pissy when he hasn't had sex for two days and then if she placates him with sex he calms down until the next time he gets angry and berates her about other matters. And the OP has come here to ask about what to do so she doesn't keep getting verbally abused when they haven't had sex for a couple of days.

So I believe that she has been paying attention and is highly conscious of how often they have sex. In fact, she's probably hyper-conscious of it since she gets verbally abused when a couple days go by.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> *It's like women who call each other b^itch because they act like one. And it's vaguely approved of. Whereas if a man acts that way he's a criminal. Fair enough. But let's just admit there's a whole different standard in play. *
> 
> I do things literally every day that I'm not thrilled with relationship-wise for the sake of that relationship. That's kind of the point of not being single. Every three hour marathon of Gilmore Girls or going to Bed Bath and Beyond is painful and depressing. But I do that because...well...it's obvious that the downside of refusing to is enormous. And, if it will put a smile on her face, then ok. So let's stop saying that women should never have to bend or accommodate in the least because that would be some new definition of abuse or neglect. It's not. It's unreasonable to say to a woman, any woman that physical intimacy is off the table unless and until all the planets are in alignment and everything is perfect in the world. That's selfish. Or delusional.


Maybe I've been sheltered my whole life. Maybe I've just gotten lucky with the women I dated. Seriously, I've never been in a relationship where the women I've dated would rip me up one side and down the other regularly if they didn't get what they wanted - specifically by telling to to "fvck off", "fvck you" or calling me every name in the book plus constantly bringing up my past mistakes despite the fact that these mistakes were resolved a long time ago. 

I've acted like a d!ck before in relationships too, but never where I'm calling them gross or offensive names nor telling them to fvck off or fvck you on a regular basis whenever something doesn't go my way. Sure, there has been an occasion here or there where I called my wife a name (or she's done that to me), but that's very rare. Acting like a b!tch or acting like a d!ck is more along the lines of having a short temper and snapping at him/her, occasional mocking, biting sarcasm, or telling someone to get out of your face. 

Calling someone names and dropping f-bombs on them on a fairly high frequency is going above and beyond being a b!tch or a d!ck. JMO.

ETA: If you or anyone thinks that name calling and dropping f-bombs on your partner is "just acting like a d!ck or a b!tch" from time to time, i.e. is normal behavior...then your standards are way too low. Maintaining strong boundaries of mutual respect is non-negotiable for a normal relationship in my book.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> We need his side of the story to validate the >once per week story. He still is an a$$, but my guess is the sex is much less than he wants.
> 
> My W used to think we had sex all the time, until I made her track it for awhile. SHE WAS SHOCKED, after looking back a month, how low it was.


I'm a little shocked that any couple doesn't have a realistic awareness of how frequently they have sex. Both my wife and I could tell you fairly accurately how frequently we have sex - even having the ability to annualize the estimate and be very close to actual numbers.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm a little shocked that any couple doesn't have a realistic awareness of how frequently they have sex. Both my wife and I could tell you fairly accurately how frequently we have sex - even having the ability to annualize the estimate and be very close to actual numbers.


Well people are different. My ex and I had sex 1 time over the course of a year and she swore up and down it was once a month. She was full on crazy though...this is a woman that would come home drunk and refuse to admit she was drinking and driving.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm a little shocked that any couple doesn't have a realistic awareness of how frequently they have sex.


This is not relevant to the OP (So nobody should interpret it that way...) but having lived it, I suspect it might be more common than you think.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

ocotillo said:


> This is not relevant to the OP (So nobody should interpret it that way...) but having lived it, I suspect it might be more common than you think.


Hence my sheltered life from a relationship standpoint...

End thread jack.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

After re reading her posts, I really think his problem isn't the lack of sex, it is everything else she does or doesn't do, that he brings up when he's ticked at her. If he was just hurt or mad at a lack of sex, he could pull away, give a cold shoulder, ignore etc., you don't have to verbally attack & berate your spouse. The fact that he shows her no respect, when she is trying to reach out and find out what is really going on with him & she is met with cussing & swearing, shows me he has no respect for her, except as a sex toy.
This has sexless marriage written all over it!!!


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## Basic"FairyDust"Love (Nov 19, 2014)

It's ironic how her husband wants to have sex with her which is supposed to be an act of love but he is not treating her with love during the times that they don't have sex. Love needs to be expressed all the time and not just during sex otherwise the foundation is flawed.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Lila said:


> The first sentence of your post contradicts your last sentence. Why would you think this is a sexless marriage if there is no lack of sex?


I think as soon as she realizes that their only happy times are their sex times, she will grow resentful and cut him off, if she hasn't already?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Observer said:


> She could try to have a beter understanding and preempt what is coming. In other words, meet his need. ".


This woman is already a doormat. She should read NMMNG.

Would you be nice to a woman who throws "f.." at your on regular basis? Are you saying she is at fault for his nasty, abusive behavior? "If she only was a little nicer, he would not have to be so nasty to her" She is not his savvior, or mother. She is his partner, and he owes her respect and love, and yes, even manners.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'm a little shocked that any couple doesn't have a realistic awareness of how frequently they have sex. Both my wife and I could tell you fairly accurately how frequently we have sex - even having the ability to annualize the estimate and be very close to actual numbers.


I think some LD people really have no clue because they choose to ignore the problem. My ex had no idea about how little sex we were having.

He also thought he cleaned the bathroom all the time. The truth (and I swear on my life) is that he did it less than 5 times in 20 years.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

FrenchFry said:


> Giving a man sex just because he is pissy is a self-defeating cycle for women. It reinforces the unfortunate thought that a wife is simply the nearest warm hole to be used as his "need" comes. I see it so often that men do not see the resentment that is building up in their wives because they are consistently getting their needs filled.
> QUOTE]
> 
> And later they do complain about Walk Away Wife epidemic.... Even in this thread they are excusing their own snappiness and grouchiness.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I still cannot believe that this thread is mostly about denying sex to your spouse. The woman goes to bed aerly one night. I think some posters have Pavlovian reaction, they only see: no sex - rejecting spouse, and do not even pay attention to the rest of the post. Either that, or reading comprehension issues are at work.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

larry.gray said:


> I think the biggest thing is that men who've been denied for years will become more and more timid. That timidity means they are going to be denied even more.
> 
> Go bold or don't try.


That pretty much sums it up for me. Although I prefer to think of it as playing the odds, I think it's more likely that she'll say no than yes so I usually don't even bother trying unless I get some kind of clear signal from her, which hardly ever happens. 

Yeah, I have to admit my confidence is pretty shattered in this area. But she had no small part in making me this way.

(And rightly or wrongly, it sometimes grates when I hear of some other guy who has what I wish I did. So, sorry for any offense to anyone.)


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

WandaJ said:


> I still cannot believe that this thread is mostly about denying sex to your spouse. The woman goes to bed aerly one night. I think some posters have Pavlovian reaction, they only see: no sex - rejecting spouse, and do not even pay attention to the rest of the post. Either that, or reading comprehension issues are at work.


Just to play Devil's Advocate....

She goes to bed early one night...that she mentions because she sees it as directly linked to the two previous nights. How many other nights has she "gone to bed early?" As others have said or suggested, in many cases, one partner "going to bed early" is not an invitation for the other partner to follow and engage in happy fun time. What's the big picture beyond what the OP told us about this specific instance alongside the very general description of his behavior (which doesn't include much info about hers)? He may indeed just plain be a jerk, and she a put-upon saint. Or maybe...just maybe...they're _both_ feeding a growing monster of mutual resentment in how they approach their sex life.

And, yeah...there's been some major drift to the topic of rejection, as some have speculated that (justified or not) he may feel as if he's being rejected. Even if it's not justified, if that's what he's feeling, that's the mental place he's going to respond from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Observer said:


> I get pissy too, I must admit. You rejecting him is why he gives you the cold shoulder. I think men have a duty to their woman to learn as much as they can about women. Women are so different from us that educating ourselves on what makes females tick is really important. Women need to do the same though. If you read OP, you will see there are clear and reasonable explanations for your husbands behavior. You can choose to crucify him for being a man, or you can try to understand him...your choice. Have you read His Needs/Her needs?


Observer, I hear what you are saying....but *WE* men have to accept that a week before their period and during it we have to tread round them on tip toes.
*We* are expected respect, be copnscious of etc their 'needs' during their cycle.
'I AM DUE ON IN 5 DAYS...G I V E M E A B R E A K'

What about our wives etc being more switched on to us and our needs?


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

Apparently if our wives aren't chasing us around the house naked, we haven't read enough books & turned us into a super Alpha Males that she just can't resist. This theory still cracks me up. Sometimes spouses grow to be self centered & selfish and that's just the way it is. By the way, my wife has always hated that type of guy, so it doesn't work for everyone.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

BurningHeart said:


> Apparently if our wives aren't chasing us around the house naked, we haven't read enough books & turned us into a super Alpha Males that she just can't resist. This theory still cracks me up. Sometimes spouses grow to be self centered & selfish and that's just the way it is. By the way, my wife has always hated that type of guy, so it doesn't work for everyone.


Well, if you are not in for self help, how do you get to change things? Just curious.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

I'm not against "self help", a lot of the books I've read have helped me, but just "me" and not "us". They've made me more resilient & emotionally stronger as a man, that our shortcomings as a couple don't bother me as much anymore, my counselor helped me the same way. It just seems to be insinuated on a lot of these posts that reading these books will magically fix everything and that's not the case. While I agree that women are more complicated than men to figure out, you shouldn't need a college degree in "womanology" in order to keep one? I'm assuming that the "beta males" on here or the "nice guys", which I would safely label myself as one, were like this when we got married, so our wives were attracted to us anyway, despite our non "alpha" status. I've been the same type of guy my whole life and mostly have gotten praise for it. For me, it has always come down to dedication and commitment. I'm holding up my end, with pride and what she does, is up to her. I think some spouses treat marriage like a job. They work really hard in the beginning to impress their "boss", find a comfort level and then slack off to do just enough to get by. I guess my biggest non alpha fault would be that my wife knows I would never divorce her, unless she cheated, because that's how I believe, my commitment to her will always mean something. I still prefer to work at it, while she is happy with "auto pilot". Overall we have a good relationship, just not a marriage. Somewhere between roommate & friends with benefits. The good still outweigh the bad.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

BurningHeart said:


> I'm assuming that the "beta males" on here or the "nice guys", which I would safely label myself as one, were like this when we got married, so our wives were attracted to us anyway, despite our non "alpha" status. I've been the same type of guy my whole life and mostly have gotten praise for it. For me, it has always come down to dedication and commitment. I'm holding up my end, with pride and what she does, is up to her. I think some spouses treat marriage like a job. They work really hard in the beginning to impress their "boss", find a comfort level and then slack off to do just enough to get by. I guess my biggest non alpha fault would be that my wife knows I would never divorce her, unless she cheated, because that's how I believe, my commitment to her will always mean something. I still prefer to work at it, while she is happy with "auto pilot". Overall we have a good relationship, just not a marriage. Somewhere between roommate & friends with benefits. The good still outweigh the bad.


you are thinking too black and white. You are also putting her on a pedastal. If she is not meeting your needs, you need to not go over the top meeting hers. You won't get your needs met unless you explain that you aren't. She doesn't want to or is unwilling to meet your needs, while you are meeting hers can't cut it if you have self respect.

You don't threaten D or anything, but you need to let her see what life is when she isn't getting her needs met to the same level.


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

A few years a go I tried the "you ignore me, I'll ignore you" method, I cut things out and although it did cause her some unhappiness, it caused me more, because I've always been a more of a "giver". I don't go over the top, but I do what is expected of a loving husband and that give me my self respect, knowing I am doing what I'm called to do. She adapted to me shortchanging her at that time, the same as I have now in the present. It really came down to both of us being a little unhappy or just me and I've chosen me. It might be martyr like, but sacrificing your happiness for the sake of another is what love has always meant to me, being unselfish and putting others first. If every spouse had that mentality, there would be no divorces. We went to a marriage encounter weekend a few years a go and that was a big pinnacle point between all of the speaking couples. 
I've talked to her exhaustingly about our shortcomings & she doesn't see it as a problem. We get along, don't fight, we don't cheat or beat each other & we have fun together, she rarely turns me down for sex, but it's pretty basic & non exciting, but still brings me a feeling of closeness at times. She thinks my issues are my issues. I went to counseling for a solid year and worked on "my" issues and found a state of contentment that I can live with. Although she(my counselor) says I deserve better, she also said that I show honor & commitment that few others do and that is something to be proud of.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to get out of the self destruction. Don't know what to tell you, but since D seems to be out of the question.....


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## BurningHeart (Dec 30, 2012)

No longer self destructing, but was heading that way, I'm content now. I've learned to look at things differently & retrain my brain & accept what I am unable to change. Glass half full instead of half empty.


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