# Porn in the bedroom, good or bad?



## ken_24 (Dec 13, 2017)

Hi, 

I'm engaged to a beautiful big beautiful woman (BBW) and we both are having the time of our lives. We've been together for a long time and we finally decided to get married next year. As some can imagine, over the years our passion and sexual lives have oscillated from good and poor, but we've always found a way to bring the passion back. However, lately, with our busy lives our sexual activities are beginning to suffer once more. 

In the past, we were a conservative couple and refused to use any means or tricks to spice up our sex lives, but this all changed in the past 3 years. We did discuss our sexual fantasies and this took incredible courage to do because I feared my fantasies would freak her out but they didn't, luckily. I noticed that when we watched porn while having sex our heart rates beat faster, we talk dirty and sex is amazing. I guess this does the trick for us but bringing up porn between the both of us is really hard or anything sexual oriented for that matter. 

I think my fiancée thinks I'm setting her a trap when I ask her to reveal her deepest and darkest sexual fantasies because she might think I'm doing this to find out if she'd cheat but it's not the case. I'm just doing this because I read some magazine that offered tricks to spice up sex life. So my question is, although this may sound trivial and simple, how did you guys talk about your fantasies and are your for or against porn in the bedroom?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

It took me and my wife a few years to get up the courage but when we did WOW I was shocked and excited about her fantasies. I guess she was waiting on me and a little shy about them. I recommend on telling her all yours and that will give her courage to tell you hers.


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## ken_24 (Dec 13, 2017)

Did you start my revealing the least risqué ones? I've got some racy fantasies so that's why I'm asking.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Just out of curiosity, why did you feel the need to tell us she's a BBW? 

Anyway, it's usually about trust. Does she feel she can trust you with her fantasies? Even if she does, they might be things she prefers to keep to herself anyway, and simply leave as fantasy. If it's not about trust, then it might simply be that they want to keep it in the fantasy realm.

This subject seems to be one that some people are eager to share with their partners, whereas some are not. Trying to convince those who are not, to share, is like pulling teeth in most cases. And a lot of the time, the more you bring it up, the less inclined they'll be going forward, it seems.

I've asked my wife a couple of times over the years, and she swears she doesn't have any. Might be completely true. Might be that she's already acted out some. Might be that she just wants to keep them to herself. Might be that they're so "out there" she's reluctant to share with me. Who knows.

What I do know is that the topic is a non-starter. If I ask again, I'll get the same answer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Yes it is both about trust and courage. 

To share the most hidden, darkest secrets of your mind with someone who could use that against you or could judge you based on it takes both. Also for most people there are a range of fantasies: some we really want to make real, some we never want to happen in reality, some we would like to explore and see if we would like them or a proxy to become a "near reality."

The sex therapist who helped save my marriage told us that the best sex is playful and exploratory. Sex should be like kinder garden recess with your closest friend.....something you look forward to, something that gives you great joy, something that you don't take too seriously, something that the two of you laugh about if it doesn't quite go right.

Tell you girlfriend that no matter what she says you will neither judge her nor ever use it against her. Tell her that as her future husband you want to learn everything you can about her, to please her. Tell her that while some of her fantasies may cross hard boundaries for you you will respect her and appreciate her bravery and trust in you. You will also study them and research those that make you feel uncomfortable to see if there might be a way of either role playing with just the two of you in a slightly different way so she gets to enjoy the "illusion" of her fantasy. If you can't do one, you will explain why that it is you and not her and why you can't in a way that doesn't judge her, but focuses on where you have issues.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am all for good honest communication about sex and what each likes,but I am totally against porn in marriage. I see our sex life as for us alone, the most intimate thing we can do together, and we wouldn't want anyone else as part of that. 
You may also find that if you use it a lot you will no longer be able to get aroused just with the two of you, so you will need it all the time, and possibly even more and more hard porn to have the same effect.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I am all for good honest communication about sex and what each likes,but I am totally against porn in marriage. I see our sex life as for us alone, the most intimate thing we can do together, and we wouldn't want anyone else as part of that.
> You may also find that if you use it a lot you will no longer be able to get aroused just with the two of you, so you will need it all the time, and possibly even more and more hard porn to have the same effect.


That's a myth. Porn makes no difference on arousal levels nor is it proven that it is addictive. Obviously if you just finished masturbating to porn and wife asks for sex 5 minutes later then it might be a bit tricky. however give it a bit of time and it's exactly the same as before.
Some people get addicted to porn, that is true but for majority, it's just a masturbatory aid with no side effects.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

i think there is a hidden trap in revealing one's deepest fantasies.

She is being smart, IMO.
...............................................................................................

If your finance refuses to reveal her secret likes, let it go. 


She might be thinking correctly. It may be a fantasy that will eat at you down the road.
I do not need to explain further. We all have some attributes that some other person has more or less of.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> That's a myth. Porn makes no difference on arousal levels nor is it proven that it is addictive. Obviously if you just finished masturbating to porn and wife asks for sex 5 minutes later then it might be a bit tricky. however give it a bit of time and it's exactly the same as before.
> Some people get addicted to porn, that is true but for majority, it's just a masturbatory aid with no side effects.


Its happened to so many people. I have heard so many stories of it becoming addictive. I would suggest that all men who use porn in their sex lives and claim they aren't addicted try and go without it for a month. Many would struggle if they managed it at all.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Its happened to so many people. I have heard so many stories of it becoming addictive. I would suggest that all men who use porn in their sex lives and claim they aren't addicted try and go without it for a month. Many would struggle if they managed it at all.




I went for many months using porn almost daily when my wife gave birth to our three children and was (completely understandably) entirely disinterested in any intimacy. It saved me. I haven’t looked at porn for many months/years since we started having sex again. I couldn’t care less about it now and have never had any problems getting aroused with wife.
Divorcing a guy over porn is sometimes the straw that breaks a camel’s back. Often it’s an excuse to get out.
With the disclaimer that for some men it is addictive and ruinous. But by far not the majority. Many studies confirm this. Hearsay stories are just stories and say nothing about statistical averages yet some women cling onto them as some kind of universal truism.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Within a committed relationship, viewing porn willingly together can be a turn-on and an aphrodisiac! But if one partner is adverse to looking at it, they should at a minimum, give the other spouse  carte blanche in viewing it if it helps in any way with the loving physical act of sex within the bounds of their relationship!

In my humble opinion, sex within the confines of a loving marriage should always be the consummate glue that binds it and holds it together, moreso noting that for its committed partners, loving sex is, and always should be, an active thing, and not just a passive one in ones just watching other folks go at it and not being able to share some aspect of it with your loving spouse!*


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

SunCMars said:


> i think there is a hidden trap in revealing one's deepest fantasies.
> 
> She is being smart, IMO.
> ...............................................................................................
> ...


^ This

If your partner is unwilling to share, there's a reason for it. Whatever that reason is, it's good to them.

The absolute worst thing one can do in this situation, IMO, is to continue asking.

My wife says she doesn't have any fantasies. If that's true and I keep on her about it, all it's doing is telling her I don't believe her.

If she does have fantasies, then perhaps:

- she doesn't think I would be interested in them
- maybe I've already expressed zero interest in it, without knowing it's something she'd like to try
- she's already acted out her fantasies
- it's not possible for me to assist in them/they don't involve me
- she wants to keep them as her own, private fantasies
- she thinks it will change my fundamental view of her


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> *Within a committed relationship, viewing porn willingly together can be a turn-on and an aphrodisiac! But if one partner is adverse to looking at it, they should at a minimum, give the other spouse  carte blanche in viewing it if it helps in any way with the loving physical act of sex within the bounds of their relationship!
> 
> In my humble opinion, sex within the confines of a loving marriage should always be the consummate glue that binds it and holds it together, moreso noting that for its committed partners, loving sex is, and always should be, an active thing, and not just a passive one in ones just watching other folks go at it and not being able to share some aspect of it with your loving spouse!*


Yes and the main thing is not to marry a man who think its ok to watch other naked women in porn when you want him to be completely faithful and visa versa. Trouble is that many lie about it and so marry under false pretences.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I went for many months using porn almost daily when my wife gave birth to our three children and was (completely understandably) entirely disinterested in any intimacy. It saved me. I haven’t looked at porn for many months/years since we started having sex again. I couldn’t care less about it now and have never had any problems getting aroused with wife.
> Divorcing a guy over porn is sometimes the straw that breaks a camel’s back. Often it’s an excuse to get out.
> With the disclaimer that for some men it is addictive and ruinous. But by far not the majority. Many studies confirm this. Hearsay stories are just stories and say nothing about statistical averages yet some women cling onto them as some kind of universal truism.
> 
> ...


My husband didn't marry or have sex till he was 25, and when he was married he had 9 months when his wife was very ill when there was no sex. They then had a one year separation when there was no sex and then when their marriage ended he had the time between that and when we married when he had sex again. You seem to mistakenly think that if you are not having regular sex then you must watch porn. That you will not survive without it. 
As I said people have managed for many thousands of years without porn. The sort porn that is available now is a very recent thing. 

The ladies I knew who ended their marriages over porn use didn't use it as a way to get out. They didn't want a husband who treated them so badly and who were mentally unfaithful. One was even watching it when their 2 small children were in the house running around when she was out. Thank goodness the judge had common sense, and from that time on he was never allowed to spend any time with the children unsupervised. She was devastated when she found out about his porn use as she adored him.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I give up  I have respect for people who can manage with no sex for months, no porn and no thoughts, no erections or masturbations. They are saints in my eyes!
I would die of insanity induced by spermo-sepsis or go insane. I love my wife too much for this. My family deserved a functioning husband during the difficult times.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yes and the main thing is not to marry a man who think its ok to watch other naked women in porn when you want him to be completely faithful and visa versa. Trouble is that many lie about it and so marry under false pretences.


*Sex in a marriage should always be your very own personal “participatory porn” with your spouse being cast in the role as “the star!”

Unfortunately, porn itself, makes it as nothing more than a “spectator sport!”

If both spouses jointly agree to use it as an aid in the bedroom and in their loving sex lives, then so be it! But unless there’s unanimity in making that joint choice, just leave porn to the ones who are in a position of not getting any, to view! *


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I would suggest that all men who use porn in their sex lives and claim they aren't addicted try and go without it for a month. Many would struggle if they managed it at all.


Although I sometimes view pornography regularly, there are lots of times I view very little pornography and other times I don't view any pornography through a few months or several months at a time. Not for any particular reason, except I am doing other things instead.

I've never found it a struggle not to view and it has never been an issue in any of my sexual relationships, when I have viewed it.

Which is hardly a surprise since the women I have been with have all enjoyed pornography as well.

It's like alcohol, though I enjoy it and can sometimes consume it regularly. I also often consume it rather infrequently as well. For example the first time I had alcohol this year (and only time thus far) was two weeks ago where I consumed two standard drinks at a party.

At the end of the day since my wife and I don't think it's wrong, it simply a non issue that causes us no problems at all.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Trouble is that many lie about it and so marry under false pretences.


It was and is no secret with my wife, so no false pretences. I wouldn't marry someone who I felt it would be in my best interest to hide it from them.

I made my wife aware of my then limited magazine and VHS video pornographic collection (of mostly Swedish, Danish and German stuff) shortly after we started dating back in 1996.

Today I have no magazines and a small DVD collection ( circa 4 DVDs) of pornography stuck in a cupboard (somewhere?). Plus a larger JPG and MP4 collection of mostly amateur Australian, British, German, Spanish and US content. With some paid for professional Czech, German, Italian and French content, on one of our computers which we sometimes view.

Plus we also have a collection of our own homemade pornography variously from 2003 (4 years after we got married) through to a few weeks ago, which is mostly RAW, TIF and JPG stuff with a small amount of very short MP4 clips as well.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I give up  I have respect for people who can manage with no sex for months, no porn and no thoughts, no erections or masturbations. They are saints in my eyes!
> I would die of insanity induced by spermo-sepsis or go insane. I love my wife too much for this. My family deserved a functioning husband during the difficult times.


Where did I says no masturbation and no erections? So how would you have managed before porn?


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

You fantasize about the same stuff using your mind as the video screen. Mental porn, in other words. Less vivid, often, and limited to your imagination, which is harder to surprise. But it's still the same principle, just easier to deny without evidence in the form of tapes, discs, files etc. Porn doesn't create those fantasies; it _reflects_ them (albeit with the saturation and brightness turned way up). 

At root, the implied ideal of a "100% mentally faithful" guy who never so much as looks at, thinks of or gets aroused by any other woman yet is perpetually raging with desire for his wife is a unicorn, and likely very repressed if he exists at all. [Cue WK, or wife thereof, responding for an audience to indicate he really is that unicorn...see, honey? I'm not like all those other guys!]

What you can actually reasonably hope for is a guy whose engine _works_--and is therefore superficially revved by many or most attractive women--but who also sets boundaries with women he meets IRL & consciously focuses that energy on his partner in the context of the broader and deeper intimacy that binds them. 

Porn is largely ancillary to that consideration. If used impersonally to spark energy that gets reinvested in the partner, then it could be fine. If it becomes a dissipating obsession and/or a means of conflict avoidance, it could be quite corrosive. Ditto if it interferes with physical response via adverse conditioning (can only get off when MB to porn).

That said, I have a much harder time with the idea of watching porn _during_ sex. I'm all for mutual consent, but I do think it makes the act fundamentally different, something closer to enhanced interactive mutual masturbation than real focused connection between two people. I'd ask OP whether it is really just a way of broaching taboo fantasies, or if it is in fact a way to be "alone together" to escape marital boredom.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have watched porn with women in the past. It doesn’t do much personally for my now GF but she does occasionally watch it. I watch far more than her though.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Personal said:


> It was and is no secret with my wife, so no false pretences. I wouldn't marry someone who I felt it would be in my best interest to hide it from them.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What? You PAID for porn? That’s cheating! 


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Where did I says no masturbation and no erections? So how would you have managed before porn?



I thought a man is not supposed to take his semen anywhere outside of his marital bed (I did manage to find a loop’hole’ though, by finding a hole between our mattresses during ‘hard’ times in our marriage...).
Nor is the man supposed to have erectile thoughts (outside of his wife) causing unnecessary blood flows to the penile regions...
Perhaps I misunderstood the rules??

Do you allow your husband to masturbate and use impure thoughts? Do you have a machine that tells you what your husband thinks about during such acts (or even what he thinks about while making love to you?). Or whether he thinks.
Just curious. I find it hard to sometimes even know what the hell I’m thinking about.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP please note those for porn are men those against are women. What you and your fiancé agree to is up to you. There are some women who enjoy it. 

But I'd recommend caution on two levels. More women than not don't like porn as it makes us insecure and rightly so. Make sure your fiancé actually enjoys this or goes along because she afraid of upsetting you. 

My second caution is this. I don't believe porn is healthy for a marriage. Many who are advocating for porn have already been divorced at least once.

Each person and marriage has to determine your rules and how you will negotiate your relationship. Very few things are true for every relationship but mutual respect and communication is key for all healthy relationships. 

Have you wondered if perhaps she doesn't have fantasies because she is afraid they won't live up to your ideas that you get from porn. Or she doesn't have as many ideas because she hasn't been exposed to as many ideas via books, friends, movies or porn. I mean most people wouldn't just think of double penetration without the idea entering from an outside source. 

BTW this is one reason porn can be bad. I think it creates 'boredom' nothing can live up to the unrealistic situations, sizes and fake enthusiasm of porn. Do you really want her to have the expectation of you being able to hard pump her for an hour?


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