# Is my wife cheating? Considering or looking? Or am I just paranoid?



## jasonmarx (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi Guys,

I tend to make loooong stories, so Ill do my best to keep this brief... I doubt it will be.

Im 33 and my wife is also 33, we were high school sweethearts and I've always had issues of insecurity with her. She was a popular girl in school, and I was blown away that I landed her. So after school we moved out together and I was pretty insecure, I got upset about clothes she wore, I gave her a hard time. On the flip side, she was a poor communicator. She never talked her feelings and it was really hard for me to know where I stood with her, so I always though she never cared for me, and stuck with me out of necessity. Id also like to poitn out I come from a broken home twice over, so i think that plays into my psyche. My dad cheated on my mom and left and my step mom cheated on my dad and left. So that maybe a reason fr my phychological issues with all of this.

Anyway, eventually I got a job 50 miles away and she refused to move. We kinda split, I was annoyed with her, I ended up moving but we kept in contact via phone. I was a bit of an a-hole however. Ignoring her at times, I'd go out to bars with my buddy and get stupid. But when the day came I found out she was out late nights too with some skank and she actually had a one-nighter with some guy, it ripped my guts out. I realized I was the worst person ever, begged for her back. Although it kinda messed me up.

Fast forward several happy years, a house, a dog, and 2 kids later she's a stay at home mom and i have an established career. Shes a stay at home mom at this point and I decide to do what i can to get her into her sport she so loved in high school volleyball. She starts going to open gym a few weeks all is good. She does that a few years.

Few years and 1 more kid later, I see an email in her inbox she left open. "Good morning beautiful" and it was from some douche in high school claimning he was now CIA working under a new name. So immature, maybe he was, I wasnt buying it the movie "True Lies" came to mind. Anyway come to find out, this guy had called a few times emailed a few times, managed to convionce her to text a pic of herself via cell phone. I bust her out, she lies once about it, for fear of me flipping out, I catch her in a lie, lies again, I catch her... It comes down to, she played the naive route and said she didnt realize he was trying to hook up with her. I knew the score, Im a man, I know hwo it works. She ends up calling him crying saying shes sorry he cant call her, she explains that she cried because she was so embarrassed and felt so sad that she made me feel violated and was scared I'd leave. Not sure I felt right about it. This guy lived in colorado, so I know nothing physical happened. What exactly was said outside of email on teh phone? I dont know. So eventually I got over that mess.

Fast forward antoher year or so... one more kid. (weve stopped at four lol) and I still love her as much as the day we met. She's since joined a Volleyball league. And its much like most other leagues, if you win you get a free pitcher at the bar up teh road who sponsors. So every now and again she gets to go chill with her team mates for a couple hours late after games. Its a coed team. She started wearing those tight volleyball shorts, which shes never worn previously, but now she does. I dont know why. She also tends to shower and shave her legs EVERY week before a game.. she says its because shes embarassed to have hairy leggs at a game... but I dont know. Why is she doing this on GAME DAY... not the day before or a couple days before? And why do you need makeup to play a game? She doesnt take extra clothes, she doesnt do her hair, just a pony tail.. she just wears those tight sexy vball shorts... and gets showered and cleaned up. I could be absolyutely insane.

shes been playing this league for about 2 years now, I know she plays with a couple younger good looking guys, and it does bother me. In fact it spurred me to start working out, I cant be some lowly house frau. So Ive been working out for a year. She's also started working at a clothing store about 2 months ago. Like a fancy women's clothing store. Well last month she had decided that shes ready to shed weight, and she was bound and determined to do it by November. No reason why November, but it had to be November. So in a months time shes shed 24lbs, shes getting one of her teeth fixed and is about to color her hair. Like out of the blue ALL of this. She says its due to all the size 4 women shes helping buy $2000.00 worth of clothes all day that make her feel so huge (she was a bit overweight). And she also (very slightly) said I was partly the reason too. Shes a VERY proud woman so she doesnt talk feelings much, and shes very competitive)

Now given our past, I feel a little shaky like, is she doing all of this because she's sees me losing weight? Ive asked her and she did confirm its her new job and stuff. But sites I read say thats a sign shes trying to impress some man. Granted we've had some of the best sex we've had in months, we've been doing a little hanky panky in texting on the phone... but im so worried about it all the time, I create loopholes on how she could be covering up in my mind.

Sometimes I feel crazy, my stomach gets upset, I want to know what shes doing, I want to know if shes being sneaky... I have went so far as to running a keylogger on a computer a while back and i never saw anything weird or suspicious so i uninstalled it because I felt like I was being an absolute loser doing that (and in retrospect i feel very guilty for doing so).

Anyway, what would you guys think? Am I insane? How do I get over this? She gets very annoyed by me feeling so insecure and i dont want to be insecure. I want to be the cool guy who can relax and not worry about his wife... but for some reason I cant come aroudn to trusting her... what the heck is my problem?

Unfortunately for my kids too, when she goes out, i cant focus on them.... i obsess about her messign around or flirting or whatever... I just cant get my mind right.

I would love any advice or suggestions...

Thanks so much everyone.


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

I feel like a hypcrite replying to your post because I just posted complaining about my husband but... to quote my husband, and I feel that he is right. "Married couples do not belong going out to bars without there spouses...theres alcohol, the opposite sex, 80% of the people in the bar are single and looking...it can only lead to no good". I think that any married person, male or female and no matter how secure they are as a person, would feel worried, knowing that their spouse is out at a bar with people drinking and with the opposite sex. It might not be as bad if it were an all womans team, but if it's not....then she should have her husband meet the team there afterwards, or not go at all. Even is she is the most faithful woman in the world, it's just not appropriate for a married woman to be out in a bar with other men, unless her husband is there-doesn't look good for her image. But then again, I'm old fashioned, so I could be way off here.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a sitter and go to games and out with her team afterward.

Weight loss, new clothes, nights out, increase sex at home. All red flags there. Does she protect her phone?

Have you checked the phone bill?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Get a sitter and go to games and out with her team afterward.
> 
> Weight loss, new clothes, nights out, increase sex at home. All red flags there. Does she protect her phone?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He lost weight first--and upped his sex rank. She may have felt the need to do the same, plus that type of job probably did play on his insecurities. 

Rather than worry, ask yourself--and her--if she is really satisfied with the life you two have. It sounds like she's bouncing back from "mom" (4 pregnancies and 4 babies/toddlers) to "woman," (kids heading off to school, life at home more manageable) and if well negotiated, you are the happy innocent bystander benefitting from all this. BUT you need to tell her that this is a dangerous time because if she is harboring resentment and then gets attention from other men (even though she may have NO plans to seek such attention), she may end up making bad choices. Honestly, after 4 kids, a bit of time reviving your marriage and getting counseling is probably a really good idea. 

Don't make this about you--step back from you jealousy and realize that all marriages have particularly vulnerable times, and this is one of them, and now that you realize it, you bring her in to the discussion and decide what to do. I can pretty much guarantee if you make this about you, it will just make things worse. 

And, keep in mind, the fact that YOUR weight loss rocked her a bit and contributed to her feeling she needed to do something, is a good thing. She noticed and she felt a bit threatened (wow, he's more attractive and I could lose him if I don't catch up!).


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I agree that these could be red flags, but there is a side to your behaviors that you could continue to work on to approach the relationship in a healthier manner. I think you have to admit that being insecure, threatened by her changes and needy are exactly the opposite behaviors from what will actract her to you.

In some young marriages, a guy's basis of comparing himself to the other men his wife comes into contact with are physical characteristics, wealth, popularity, etc, but she'll always encounter someone better eventually. And if you add doubt, mistrust and insecurity to that, you are stacking the deck against yourself.

Look, to be honest, she probably never encountered the love of her life before you came along. I'm talking about a guy who holds a combination of attributes and desire for her that only comes along once in life, if at all. If you be that for her, then she'll be very hard pressed to turn away from you. Frankly, what's missing from too many young guys is just the confidence to be that for her. Be bold in your desire for her as a person. Never let the intimacy be just about sex.

As others said, go with her to the parties after the game. Don't be insecure about it. Put on your best face and enjoy it without watching her every move like an insecure guy.

Volleyball can be tough. Surprise her with a bubble bath waiting when she gets home, drinks, and candles. I always gave my wife the choice of enjoying it alone, or with a full body massage after she spent hours as a fashion model, after being noticed by one of her patients, a fashion designer. She always chose the massage option.

Be a part of her life away from you, if possible. Dress appropriately. You don't want to be the outsider. Send her flowers to work occasionally.

If you are confident in yourself, she and all the others in her life will be also.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It`s quite probable she saw you getting in shape and started doing so herself.
It`s quite possible she saw you getting in shape and had the same thoughts you did..
"Is he doing this to impress another woman?"

You`ve checked her PC and found nothing, I`d recommend checking the cell records for any numbers she`s texting a lot and if you find nothing drop it.

Then sit down and talk to her, tell her how the things she`s doing are making you gut check your relationship.
Explain you started working out because you didn`t want her to think she could score a hotter man.

Her going to the bar with her team mates is perfectly fine but if it`s bugging you you should make a habit out of being at her games and joining her for that pitcher when she wins.

You should be going to these games anyway because she`s your spouse and you wish to support her.

If you start doing all of this her team mates will get to know you and that n itself will make any possible affair within that group more difficult.

If she balks at any of this then you will have found a serious red flag and you should start digging for infidelity deeper.

Nothing you`ve stated here is a serious red flag, at best they could be little ones that shouldn`t be blown out of proportion.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First, why did she pick a coed league instead of competing in a women's volleyball league?

Second, going to a bar with male friends without you should not be part of the deal.

Third, she already cheated on you with a ONS and from the sound of it you took the blame and not her even though she refused to move with you so you could be near your work. Cheating without being held fully responsible and without full remorse is not a good precedent. 

Bottom line is that she has only played in this league 2 years so far, she should switch to a women's volleyball league. If she does not want to, then you will know that this is no longer just about playing volleyball.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TRy said:


> First, why did she pick a coed league instead of competing in a women's volleyball league?
> 
> Second, going to a bar with male friends without you should not be part of the deal.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Cheating without consequence is a tacet approval to cheat again.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't really see any red flags either.

My guess is the volleyball shorts and shaving and makeup before games has more to do with the other women playing than it does about impressing any guys there. My daughter plays the game and all the girls where those shorts.

I play in a squash league and we go out for drinks and food after every match. It is most of the fun in being in the league. Gives me a chance, once a week, to get out and socialize with other people. Granted this is all guys. 

I think it is good for your wife to get out and away from the kids to both play volleyball and to socialize afterwards. My guess is the teams are mostly couples and I bet when they go out, all the women sit at one end of the table talking women stuff and the guys are at the other end. You might want to get a sitter and watch her play and go out and see what the evening is like. Would probably put your mind at ease.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't really see any red flags either.


I guess you missed the part about her cheating in the past.



SadSamIAm said:


> My daughter plays the game and all the girls where those shorts.


Is your daughter married? Does she play on a coed team?



SadSamIAm said:


> I play in a squash league and we go out for drinks and food after every match. It is most of the fun in being in the league. Gives me a chance, once a week, to get out and socialize with other people. Granted this is all guys.


"Granted this all guys" is big, because part of the whole purpose of playing is to "socialize with other people".



SadSamIAm said:


> My guess is the teams are mostly couples.


Yes, couples join coed teams to play together. Single people join coed teams because this is a healthy way to meet other singles. Why would a married person join a coed team? Part of the title of this thread is "Is my wife cheating? Considering or looking?" You cannot rule out looking.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I don't really see any red flags either.
> 
> My guess is the volleyball shorts and shaving and makeup before games has more to do with the other women playing than it does about impressing any guys there. My daughter plays the game and all the girls where those shorts.
> 
> ...


Not a small difference. In fact it is *THE* difference that this is coed. I think a coed league would be fine if her husband was on her team. Otherwise .... ummmm .... NFW.

Is your daughter married and playing in a coed league? I get your point about Volleyball shorts. Maybe this is why I love to watch women play volleyball so much. Especially beach volleyball.

I think assuming the teams are mostly couples is a tad naive. Normally one joins a coed league to meet people of the opposite sex for dating and whatnot. Sure there is plausible denial and the love of the game. Volleyball is fun. Love those butt slaps too, especially when the women are wearing those skimpy bottoms. I suppose she would have to return the favor too. But he really does not know because he is not there. Add to the Volleyball games / practice the after party with drinking. She should have her hubby with her.

BIG PROBLEM that he is not at least there. He should join her team, BUT I bet there is no room for him to join. Not wanting to pay for a baby sitter is very weak and shows priorities. The costs of infidelity and risk of divorce are way too expensive to not pay the insurance costs of hiring a baby sitter and joining in with the wife. Heck the value of spending more time with the wife is a real win-win. If she protests .... WOW. 

Hey there you go, is the OPs wife's team a beach volleyball team? That would be worse.

So I see red flags here without the fact that there was previous infidelity. With previous infidelity why in the world would she even consider a coed league?

So with the information given I think we can guess that she is at least looking to trade up. perhaps things have progressed further but we cannot tell from information provided. We cannot discount it either.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> He lost weight first--and upped his sex rank. She may have felt the need to do the same, plus that type of job probably did play on his insecurities.
> 
> Rather than worry, ask yourself--and her--if she is really satisfied with the life you two have. It sounds like she's bouncing back from "mom" (4 pregnancies and 4 babies/toddlers) to "woman," (kids heading off to school, life at home more manageable) and if well negotiated, you are the happy innocent bystander benefitting from all this. BUT you need to tell her that this is a dangerous time because if she is harboring resentment and then gets attention from other men (even though she may have NO plans to seek such attention), she may end up making bad choices. Honestly, after 4 kids, a bit of time reviving your marriage and getting counseling is probably a really good idea.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I agree with all of this. I get your point about jealousy and having to step back to analyze which is good advice. My only nuance is to ultimately not surpress the jealousy once he has evaluated. His feelings of jealousy are well founded as she is in a vulnerable position as you say whether she is looking for the wrong attention of not. He has isolated himself and that is part of the jealous feelings. Maybe she has isolated him, but we cannot tell. 

He should act on those feelings in a positive way by communicating as you suggest but he should also interject himself into her soicalizing so people realize they are a couple. His jelaous feelings will either subside or get worse depending on what happens then. If she wants her space then his gut should get tighter. I do believe that spouses should have their own time and socializing. Just not with the opposite sex in these types of situations.


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