# My wife hates our 3 year old twins



## NYC Dad

I need advice. I don't know what to do anymore. 

We have 4 amazing children. 6,3,3,1. As you can imagine there is not a lot of down time at our house and there are plenty stressors to go along with having a large young family. My wife is a stay at home mom currently with our children and I work outside the home. She started staying home when our now 3 year old twins were born. It started out ok, never great, but by the time they were 6 months old she hated staying at home and started looking for another job, she went back to work when they were a year old, but after a year decided she didn't like her job and wanted to start staying at home again. In the meantime we had our youngest boy who is now a year old. The first time she stayed home she didn't like it, this time she HATES it. The 3 year old twins act like 3 year old twins and she can't handle it. Her hatred is centered around them. She continually yells profanities at them, tells them she hates them and that they've ruined her life and how the other two children suffer because of them. Pretty much everyday I get a call while I am work so she can 'vent' which ends up with her yelling at me about the children and blaming me for things I have no control over. She tells me all of the time how she 'just wants to throw again the wall' and how they are such horrible children. They're three! 

We cannot afford to send them to daycare everyday while she has no income. I have used nearly all my vacation and sick days for the year in the first 4 months of the year so she can have the day out. Her mom or my mom has them at least one day a week so she can get out. When I get home from work and on the weekends she clocks out and acts like they don't exist. She says she's had them all day, now its my turn. A lot of nights I have to take them outside or to a different floor of the house so they don't bother her. I am always solely responsible for giving them baths and putting them to bed and getting up with them at night if someone wakes up. I work around the house until midnight every night because she doesn't help out and I cannot get much done with kids by myself while trying to keep them from bothering her. The youngest three want to be held all the time that I'm home. She says I spoil them, I think they are just attention/affection starved from being home with her all day. The oldest entertains himself, but I worry it's because that's his way of coping. 

Every doctor she has seen in the last 3 years has prescribed her anti-depressants and recommended canceling. She refuses both because she's 'not crazy'. If I recommend either it does not go well, because that means I telling her she's crazy. 

I love my wife more anything in this world. She truly is amazing woman when there is no stress. We can out for the evening or go vacation just the two of us and have a great time. On days where she is out of the house the entire day and comes home after get the kids in bed we can talk for hours and laugh and just enjoy each other. But we have 4 kids so these days are not often. 

I just don't know what to do anymore.


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## Rowan

First, stop having babies. It's very clear your wife cannot handle the four you have. So, don't have any more. 

Next, it's also very clear that your wife needs help. You seem to have tried to get her some help, but she's apparently very resistant to the idea. But if she's yelling and cursing at your small children, ignoring them to the point of neglect, and can't handle the daily stresses of her life, then she absolutely needs some help. Someone as unstable as you describe her to be really shouldn't be responsible for kids. She's quite possibly a danger to them. 

I would suggest that you start by sending the kids to grandma's or somewhere else for the night and having a calm, serious, focused, discussion with your wife. Tell her that the current situation is not acceptable or sustainable. She is obviously unhappy at home, so she needs to find a job outside the house. She also needs to start counseling and/or make a good faith effort to rectify her mood issues and difficulties dealing with stress. Medication, therapy, whatever, but she cannot continue on her current course. Be clear that you would really love to see her as a healthy, happy, functioning mom and wife again. But also be clear that she is not being that woman now and that you cannot continue to support her current behaviors and attitudes. She needs to know that if she's not willing to work hard on becoming that woman, then your marriage is in serious jeopardy. Don't threaten her with divorce, but do be upfront that the current situation is endangering your marriage. You cannot change your wife, but you can make it clear that you can't support someone who is so obviously destructive of herself, the marriage, and your children. 

In the meantime, make notes regarding the calls, the days you have to take off to support her instability, the tuning out she does, the yelling and cursing at the children, the times she says she hates the children. Keep records of the visits to doctors and the medications that have been prescribed. Record when/if she stops taking them, or never starts, and her given reasons for that. Save any ranting emails, texts, notes, etc. You might also consult with an attorney to see what your options are if you wife refuses to do anything to help herself. 

If the conversation with your wife is effective in motivating her to get some help, wonderful. Do what is needed to help her find her balance again and get healthy. If she's still unwilling, then I strongly recommend that you use the evidence you've been gathering to have your attorney advise you on the best way to get yourself and your children out of this situation. Divorce her and get as much custody as you possibly can. Your kids rely on you to protect them. And they deserve more than growing up being abused by a mother who is vocal about her hatred of them. Stop letting your wife abuse your children.


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## alte Dame

You are right to feel that this is a crisis. Those children, all of them, will be damaged for life with this sort of mothering.

Tell her what you told us and issue the ultimatum that she get help and immediately stop abusing the twins. If you use the word 'abuse' she will likely balk, but don't back down.


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## wilson

It sounds like she doesn't cope with stress well. When there's no stress, she's fine. But add in a little stress and she boils over. That may have been a factor in her quitting her job as well.

It's not unusual to deal with stress like this. We all can handle some stress, but once we reach our max, things start to fall apart quickly. It sounds like your wife's max is very low.

I think you need to do whatever you can to get the kids in daycare. This sounds like an emotionally damaging situation for the kids that will have long-lasting effects. Is the 6-year-old in school during the day? It's too bad that the summer is coming up, since there won't be the break from school. Is there anything you can do to reduce your monthly housing cost so you could afford daycare?


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## I shouldnthave

Uff, first, I agree with others, this CAN'T continue, this is a crisis situation. 

All this I hate you stuff? You know, even if it wasn't verbalized, they can FEEL IT, they will know it, and it will damage them - I have seen the effects of this sort of parenting first hand. 

Can't afford day care? Well start saving for therapy, drug treatment programs etc. 



wilson said:


> It's not unusual to deal with stress like this. We all can handle some stress, but once we reach our max, things start to fall apart quickly. It sounds like your wife's max is very low.


A one year old, three year old TWINS and a six year old? I disagree that she is under a "very low" amount of stress. I am getting stressed out just reading about this!!

I guess we all have different stresses. I rather really F' up a multi-million dollar deal at work, and have a team of attorneys berating me - than be locked in a room with a toddler, 3 year old twins, and a six year old for a single day!! 

But, that is also one of the many reasons I choose to not become a mother. I am sure some people would love to be in her shoes, to me, it sounds like s special kind of hell.

So, she needs help.... Can you afford day care for the 3 year olds? Occasionally? You have what - two more years before they are in kinder garden? Is there anyway to budget for that? What about some in home help? Don't teenagers baby sit any more?

I know when I was in college I was hired on as a part time nanny, 2-3 days a week I would come and help from morning till afternoon - being as the mom was also home, I wasn't very expensive for the family, but mom had a chance to get away from the kid, and do some work from home etc (or go shopping, or anything to just get a break).


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## Cynthia

Yelling at your children and saying hateful things to them is child abuse. She is causing damage that cannot be easily undone. This is a serious situation and something must be done to resolve it.

The reason your wife isn't working is because she cannot handle it. But she also cannot handle being a homemaker or a mother. 

The only way to make this situation better is to set some serious boundaries and to gently, but firmly let her know in no uncertain terms that she must do something to stop the abuse.

As suggested, you should be journaling these incidents, including date, time, and what happened. This must be documented.

I understand that you feel overwhelmed by the seriousness of this situation, but if you don't make a plan and do something to protect your children they are going to have serious emotional issues.

One of the boundaries I would set is that she must go back to work making at least enough to cover the cost of childcare. I normally don't say something like this, but your children are better off in daycare than home with her all day being abused.


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## wilson

I shouldnthave said:


> A one year old, three year old TWINS and a six year old? I disagree that she is under a "very low" amount of stress. I am getting stressed out just reading about this!!.


I didn't mean to imply that parenting young kids is not stressful. What I meant was that her boiling over point was very low compared to other people. Essentially, in that idiom "the straw that broke the camel's back", it means she can't carry very much straw. And certainly having 3 kids that young adds a lot of stress--most of which is unstructured and interrupt-driven. If she is the type who needs time for quiet contemplation in order to think things through, parenting will be very challenging, which makes it even more stressful.


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## barbados

OP,

Exactly what was the thought process of the both of you to have another child when your wife was already hating on the twins when they were 6 months old?


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## personofinterest

barbados said:


> OP,
> 
> Exactly what was the thought process of the both of you to have another child when your wife was already hating on the twins when they were 6 months old?


I woner this as well. In fact, I have to wonder if she wasn't suffering from post-partem, and if she still may be.

None of that excuses her treatment of her own children. If it were me, I'd push for a psych evaluation.


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## threelittlestars

Is she ADD? If she has ADD stress can be much harder to handle. With ADD there is issues with the reward (dopamine) part of the brain. 

She could also have severe depression, being that she had a baby a year ago postpardum could be a factor. Though she is focusing her anger on the older and more troublesome toddlers. 

You really need to do something because with how unstable is she could crack... Good on HER to vent to you. It is a cry for help. Dont nail her to the wall. If you love her and can handle this then lovingly get her evaluated for ADHD, depression, and any number of things that could be actually treated. It may only be situational and perhaps she may not need any medical intervention at all or for very long. 

Also try to get her some alone time. she needs some.


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## pastasauce79

This is my first time posting on this site! I was a sahm of two kids, two years apart. My youngest is 7 now and I work part-time. I understand how overwhelming is to care for small children, it was overwhelming for me, to the point of not remembering how we celebrated my second child's first birthday! I never felt that I hated my children but I felt overwhelmed and very tired. We lived away from family and I was too paranoid to send my kids to childcare, so it was just my husband and I caring for our babies. What I did is get help from the community. I joined a local MOPS group (moms of preschoolers, available in almost every city) where I met other "overwhelmed" moms like me who needed to have a conversation with another adult. We met twice a month over breakfast while volunteers where watching our little ones for like two hours. It was wonderful and I always recommend moms to at least check it out. I also found educational resources like 2 days of preschool for 3 year olds from our old school district (it was free but many churches offer cheaper preschool programs for 3 year olds.) I joined playgroups in my area so my kids had others to play with, and I had other moms to talk to. The local library has activities for little kids like storytime and that's another opportunity to meet other moms. 

Your wife's reaction to stress is not normal. She might have post-partum depression. 

From my experience, I was overwhelmed, but I never felt hate towards my kids. I needed to get out of the house and talk to other moms otherwise I started to get sad and depressed. Long cold winters where not good for me. Does your wife and kids do stuff outside the house like going to a playdate? Does she know other moms she can talk to? I think other moms support is very important. 

I agree that she needs to go to at least some type of counseling to learn how to cope with stress. A child's younger years are the most tiring, but the most rewarding! I hope you can find some help for your family.


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## EleGirl

@NYC Dad 
You are getting good input here. 

What you describe going on with your wife and the children is serious emotional abuse. Plus, you have no idea what she is really doing and saying when you are not there.

You need to first gather evidence of the magnitude of the problem. I suggest that you get some kind of hidden camera (or more than one if you can afford it) and have it run in the home when you are not there. See what going on with your own eyes.

My bet is that it's much worse than your realize.

You need to build a support system. Talk to her family and yours. Ask them to take the children as much as possible for a while.

See a lawyer and a counselor, by yourself, and show them the videos. Tell them that what you want is help. You want help for your wife. Perhaps the counselor can help you put together an intervention to talk to your wife. She is clearly depressed to the point of being a danger to your children. 

I have a brother who is married to a woman who used to be a lot like your wife. He found out that when he was at work, she was taking their 2 kids into a closet and would sit in there for hours telling them horrible things and scaring them. At the time they had a his 8 year old and then a 3 year old and a 1 year old. She would also yell at them, tell them that she hated them, etc. 

We kept telling him to do go get help and he kept putting it off. Eventually a neighbor called child protective services. They make my brother and his wife get into counseling in order to keep their children. It would have been better if he had gone on his own to get help. That way he would not have been part of the problem.

It's many years later now. Both of his children are in college. He and his wife are still together. They help that was forced on them by child protective services worked. It kept the family together. Their marriage seems to be very good. And most of all she got the help she needed to overcome her depression. I think that her depression was post partum depression. It did seem tied to both of her pregnancies and lasted a long time.


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## BioFury

NYC Dad said:


> I need advice. I don't know what to do anymore.
> 
> We have 4 amazing children. 6,3,3,1. As you can imagine there is not a lot of down time at our house and there are plenty stressors to go along with having a large young family. My wife is a stay at home mom currently with our children and I work outside the home. She started staying home when our now 3 year old twins were born. It started out ok, never great, but by the time they were 6 months old she hated staying at home and started looking for another job, she went back to work when they were a year old, but after a year decided she didn't like her job and wanted to start staying at home again. In the meantime we had our youngest boy who is now a year old. The first time she stayed home she didn't like it, this time she HATES it. The 3 year old twins act like 3 year old twins and she can't handle it. Her hatred is centered around them. She continually yells profanities at them, tells them she hates them and that they've ruined her life and how the other two children suffer because of them. Pretty much everyday I get a call while I am work so she can 'vent' which ends up with her yelling at me about the children and blaming me for things I have no control over. She tells me all of the time how she 'just wants to throw again the wall' and how they are such horrible children. They're three!
> 
> We cannot afford to send them to daycare everyday while she has no income. I have used nearly all my vacation and sick days for the year in the first 4 months of the year so she can have the day out. Her mom or my mom has them at least one day a week so she can get out. When I get home from work and on the weekends she clocks out and acts like they don't exist. She says she's had them all day, now its my turn. A lot of nights I have to take them outside or to a different floor of the house so they don't bother her. I am always solely responsible for giving them baths and putting them to bed and getting up with them at night if someone wakes up. I work around the house until midnight every night because she doesn't help out and I cannot get much done with kids by myself while trying to keep them from bothering her. The youngest three want to be held all the time that I'm home. She says I spoil them, I think they are just attention/affection starved from being home with her all day. The oldest entertains himself, but I worry it's because that's his way of coping.
> 
> Every doctor she has seen in the last 3 years has prescribed her anti-depressants and recommended canceling. She refuses both because she's 'not crazy'. If I recommend either it does not go well, because that means I telling her she's crazy.
> 
> I love my wife more anything in this world. She truly is amazing woman when there is no stress. We can out for the evening or go vacation just the two of us and have a great time. On days where she is out of the house the entire day and comes home after get the kids in bed we can talk for hours and laugh and just enjoy each other. But we have 4 kids so these days are not often.
> 
> I just don't know what to do anymore.


If your wife couldn't handle stress, then the last thing you should have done was have kids. So yeah, don't have any more.

I'm not an expert, but it's clear that this cannot continue. She either needs to have a change of heart, or someone else needs to start handling the care of your children during the day. The latter being the most likely option. Consisting of her going back to work, and sending the kids to daycare.


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## cpat

Divorce... She is only being nice when the kids are asleep so you won't leave her. There is nothing wrong with divorce. That is the only way you will save your kids from her abuse... and that toxic life you have with her.

I thank God every day my parents divorced and that I was raised by my father.


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## EleGirl

cpat said:


> Divorce... She is only being nice when the kids are asleep so you won't leave her. There is nothing wrong with divorce. That is the only way you will save your kids from her abuse... and that toxic life you have with her.
> 
> I thank God every day my parents divorced and that I was raised by my father.


Divorce alone will not save the kids from her abuse because she will have at least 50% custody. He has to first do something to get lawyers and counselors aware that she is abusive of the children. He has to protect his children.


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## Blondilocks

This thread is heartbreaking. Will someone please love those babies enough to protect them.


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## Saige

Whoa... what a tough situation! I agree with everyone else, you need to step in and take over the situation. It is abuse, you have to protect your kids. 

The first thing I would do if I were in your shoes, get help. You mention a mom and MIL, call them, tell them to meet you right away. Tell them EVERYthing. Don't feel guilty about reaching out or exposing what is happening. Don't be ashamed. Treat it like the medical crisis that it is. 

Ask your mom and MIL to step in as much as possible right away, now, today! Then ask them to solicit trusted help for you as well. Get every uncle, aunt, cousin, neighbor you can find to cover day time hours. Make a schedule and have others commit to helping until you and the kids. If the twins can stay with a relative for a bit, even better. 

Give her NO unsupervised access to the children. I'm not a strong believer in ultimatums, but this is hurting people, little defenseless people. Tell her no access to the kids unless she gets help. No unsupervised access to *any* of the kids until she gets help, the abusive actions won't stop until she acknowledges what is happening. If she is not willing to get help then your actions can focus on readjusting life without her there. Loving your wife is wonderful, but your kids have to stop suffering... this hurting all of them.


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## Steve2.0

Geezus, Poor kids... She is creating some serious issues in them that will last a life time. Their mother, who they need attention and love from, is blaming them for stuff they have no clue about.... worse of all, they are getting blamed for their mothers attitudes.

If you don't fix this quickly you children will grow up with some MAJOR physiological issues.

You need to take control of this family and start treating your wife like a child as well.

Boundaries need to be set and she needs to be punished, just like kids, when they step out of line.

Go get a vasectomy while you think about your plan of action


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## blackbyrd

NYC Dad, I know you have a lot on your plate right now but please post and let us know what is happening. I can't stop thinking about your children.


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## Beach123

You dont know what to do? DO something!!!!

These are human being. They are being abused!

Turn her into child protective services if nothing else!

Or simply file for divorce and make sure she gets zero visitation! 

Do something to change this now. It is your moral obligation to get them away from her immediately!


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## Ursula

Rowan said:


> First, stop having babies. It's very clear your wife cannot handle the four you have. So, don't have any more.
> 
> Next, it's also very clear that your wife needs help. You seem to have tried to get her some help, but she's apparently very resistant to the idea. But if she's yelling and cursing at your small children, ignoring them to the point of neglect, and can't handle the daily stresses of her life, then she absolutely needs some help. Someone as unstable as you describe her to be really shouldn't be responsible for kids. She's quite possibly a danger to them.
> 
> I would suggest that you start by sending the kids to grandma's or somewhere else for the night and having a calm, serious, focused, discussion with your wife. Tell her that the current situation is not acceptable or sustainable. She is obviously unhappy at home, so she needs to find a job outside the house. She also needs to start counseling and/or make a good faith effort to rectify her mood issues and difficulties dealing with stress. Medication, therapy, whatever, but she cannot continue on her current course. Be clear that you would really love to see her as a healthy, happy, functioning mom and wife again. But also be clear that she is not being that woman now and that you cannot continue to support her current behaviors and attitudes. She needs to know that if she's not willing to work hard on becoming that woman, then your marriage is in serious jeopardy. Don't threaten her with divorce, but do be upfront that the current situation is endangering your marriage. You cannot change your wife, but you can make it clear that you can't support someone who is so obviously destructive of herself, the marriage, and your children.
> 
> In the meantime, make notes regarding the calls, the days you have to take off to support her instability, the tuning out she does, the yelling and cursing at the children, the times she says she hates the children. Keep records of the visits to doctors and the medications that have been prescribed. Record when/if she stops taking them, or never starts, and her given reasons for that. Save any ranting emails, texts, notes, etc. You might also consult with an attorney to see what your options are if you wife refuses to do anything to help herself.
> 
> If the conversation with your wife is effective in motivating her to get some help, wonderful. Do what is needed to help her find her balance again and get healthy. If she's still unwilling, then I strongly recommend that you use the evidence you've been gathering to have your attorney advise you on the best way to get yourself and your children out of this situation. Divorce her and get as much custody as you possibly can. Your kids rely on you to protect them. And they deserve more than growing up being abused by a mother who is vocal about her hatred of them. Stop letting your wife abuse your children.


^^^ This, one thousand times over. Your children didn't ask to be born into the world, and they certainly didn't ask for or deserve to be abused as your wife is doing.


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