# When to tell the kids?



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

So, I have a post going under the considering divorce forum (wife won't admit EA, wont' end contact).

Well, it is now official that she wants a divorce. I have no idea what/where to even start.

We have been married 20 years; the worst part is that we have 4 beautiful children, ages 15, 13, 11, 8.

Question, when/how do we even tell them?

She wants to wait and take this very slowly, over months. They (kids and her) have a trip planned over spring break (10 weeks from now) where she will be around the SO that gave her the strength to move on (long story, but he works for her sister and that is where she is going) She said if we tell them before it will ruin their trip. I'm like it doesn't matter when we tell them, they will be crushed regardless plus they kinda know about this guy (long story); she has told them he is just a friend which he is at the moment but he wants more. I"m thinking she's trying to save face a little in front of them because she has told them that texting this guy was not appropriate but it was the only thing keeping her alive (she suffers from PTSD that I created).

Anyways, for this post, I have to do what is best for the children. So, when/how do we break it to them? Do we wait for after this trip? How soon should we get them in counseling (I'm assuming it's a must to help them cope)?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks


----------



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

My opinion is that you should let them know sooner, rather than later, Give them more time to digest what is happening in your home. Be honest and open with them and tell them why this decision is being made. No, counseling is not always a must; that is more of a case by case basis. Children are always a little bit more resilient than we give them credit for. It's not easy by any means, but it's also probably not as bad as your mind is telling you it will be.


----------



## nextbigadv (Aug 26, 2018)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, I have a post going under the considering divorce forum (wife won't admit EA, wont' end contact).
> 
> Well, it is now official that she wants a divorce. I have no idea what/where to even start.
> 
> ...


----------



## nextbigadv (Aug 26, 2018)

sorry fat fingers on the phone. Just a tactile question, how many people knew about you cheating? I would definitely want something in place in case she went off the rails and decided to take the kids on vacation and never come back


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

The sooner they're told the sooner they can begin to heal. In regards to the trip, it sounds like she doesn't want the trip ruined for her. For the kids the trip may end up being a much needed break to get away from some stress at home.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Tell the kids today.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Nailhead said:


> Tell the kids today.


I am not sure about today, but I agree with the sentiment. She is wanting to wait until after her trip, because she knows that if the kids know before the trip, it will make the trip awkward and she would rather hook up with her new man without the stress.

So, tell the kids, the sooner reality sets in for everyone, the better.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Also, tell them the whole story, your part, her part, this other guys part.

Don't make her seem like the wicked witch, or you a saint.


----------



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Tasorundo said:


> Also, tell them the whole story, your part, her part, this other guys part.
> 
> Don't make her seem like the wicked witch, or you a saint.


So, they know my history, not the details, but they know I WAS the bad guy. I have told her that the way we would phrase it is that sometimes we hurt people too much for them to heal and we are at that point where things are not getting better. She already told the kids that she texted this guy because she was on the verge of killing herself. I have also told them that this guy has confessed her love for her and went after her and I have already made him the bad guy. I don't know if saying anything else about her seeing or texting him or basically having an emotional affair will really do anything but cause her to be spiteful?


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, they know my history, not the details, but they know I WAS the bad guy. I have told her that the way we would phrase it is that sometimes we hurt people too much for them to heal and we are at that point where things are not getting better. She already told the kids that she texted this guy because she was on the verge of killing herself. I have also told them that this guy has confessed her love for her and went after her and I have already made him the bad guy. I don't know if saying anything else about her seeing or texting him or basically having an emotional affair will really do anything but cause her to be spiteful?


If they already know that, then just tell them that you are getting a divorce.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, I have a post going under the considering divorce forum (wife won't admit EA, wont' end contact).
> 
> Well, it is now official that she wants a divorce. I have no idea what/where to even start.
> 
> ...


With the exception of the 8 year old, these kids have probably already figured it out and have probably talked among themselves about it. You need to tell them ASAP - keeping it from them is doing them no favors. Vacation be damned...


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LonelyHiker said:


> She already told the kids that she texted this guy because she was on the verge of killing herself.


The selfishness that it took for her to burden them with this is inexcusable.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> The selfishness that it took for her to burden them with this is inexcusable.


Absolutley. I was horrified when I read that. Poor kids, that must have deeply hurt and troubled them. What was she thinking???

OP it seems they know most of it anyway, just say simply that their mum wants the marriage to end and the usual stuff about how you both love them very much and none of its their fault. I dont know any children of divorcing parents who have had therapy, but I appreciate that in the USA therapy is the go to thing.
Having to wait another 3 months is madness, you could have the divorce well under way by then, if not done completely depending on where you live, and also children are not stupid, they probably know that a divorce is going to happen and are worrying about it, better to just confirm it.

If some of the children dont want to go with her after being told about the divorce then so be it.


----------



## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, I have a post going under the considering divorce forum (wife won't admit EA, wont' end contact).
> 
> Well, it is now official that she wants a divorce. I have no idea what/where to even start.
> 
> ...


I read in the other thread you have had multiple affairs. Whether that's enough to give someone PTSD (seriously?) I don't know, but it seems like a little license on her part. 

If your affairs rose to the level of sexual assault *and she was witnessing them first hand*, or something like that, possibly, yes. But lots of people have been cheated on, and while it's not pleasant and causes a lot of problems, PTSD is on another level.

And now she's in a relationship with a guy across the country who's young enough to be her son? That alone is suspect... it's not going to last, it's a fling, and what kind of guy gets himself in that situation?? 

Stop blaming yourself. She's now using your past behavior as an excuse behave in the same way back to you, and two wrongs don't make a right. If she really loves this clown, she needs to be an adult, end your marriage and move out and move with him. Sounds like she's not interested in being a mom. 

Tell your kids *now*. Don't let her draw them in a web of lies with this guy. Stop being a sad sack about it. Your kids are looking for someone to parent them, and someone they can rely on and it looks like that's you *by default* here because your wife is looking to run around with a guy who's barely older than her teenagers. 

Seriously, you want some 21-year-old telling your kids which end is up?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TomNebraska said:


> I read in the other thread you have had multiple affairs. Whether that's enough to give someone PTSD (seriously?) I don't know, but it seems like a little license on her part.
> 
> If your affairs rose to the level of sexual assault *and she was witnessing them first hand*, or something like that, possibly, yes. But lots of people have been cheated on, and while it's not pleasant and causes a lot of problems, PTSD is on another level.
> 
> ...


I agree about the PTSD, its seems that so many claim to have that now. I know people who have been through far worse things and they dont claim to have it. Not long ago it was all about Bi-polar, now its all about PTSD.


----------



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I agree about the PTSD, its seems that practically everyone claims to have that now.


Not that it matters, but in her defense, she was diagnosed by her therapist.. however, It was not all just me; she had an alcholic father, a prostitute for a mother and ended up being raised by an abusive grandmother. I was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel for her because no matter where she goes, there will always be triggers. Her therapist said that until she gets help for it, she will always be hyper-vigilant in any relationship.. always worrying ect.

the stupid thing was for us, I was an open book on whatever she needed to calm her fears; Our biggest issues afterwards were conflict resolution with fights.. regardless of what we fought about, it was grouped into the PTSD triggers and that is why she has said I never allowed her to heal.

Am I stupid to hope that someday (after the divorce) she will return and things will be better? Has anyone ever experienced that here on this site?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LonelyHiker said:


> Not that it matters, but in her defense, she was diagnosed by her therapist.. however, It was not all just me; she had an alcholic father, a prostitute for a mother and ended up being raised by an abusive grandmother. I was the straw that broke the camel's back.
> 
> I feel for her because no matter where she goes, there will always be triggers. Her therapist said that until she gets help for it, she will always be hyper-vigilant in any relationship.. always worrying ect.
> 
> ...


As you said, unless she is prepared to put that effort into getting help she will just take all the issues with her.
I dont think you should hope that things will ever get back and be normal, after all you have just said that a lot of the issues stem from childhood and then what you did as well. I think you need to accept that its over and move on. God has plans for the future and uses all we have been through for good. There really is life after divorce and sometimes we cant heal in such a mess of a situation. 
I guess its entirely possible that if things dont work out with the OM she may come running back, but that may well only be till the next man comes along.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You'd be a fool to wait for her to come back. She'd be a fool to come back. Don't waste either of your time with hoping for that. You two are not good for each other. You haven't been for 20+ years.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It did occur to me that the reason she wants this all to be delayed is if things dont work out with the OM when she goes up there but who knows. Either way, just get it all done is my advise.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

LonelyHiker said:


> So, I have a post going under the considering divorce forum (wife won't admit EA, wont' end contact).
> 
> Well, it is now official that she wants a divorce. I have no idea what/where to even start.
> 
> ...


They should know, in an age appropriate manner, immediately and why.

It is good to discuss how your behavior damaged the marriage and how her behavior with the idiot is ending it.

Stop taking responsibility for her "ptsd cheating".

That is on her and real PTSD happens under usually different circumstances.

Stop letting her blame you for her idiotic behavior.

You are owning yours and she has to own hers as well.

Since she is continuing her affair and is deciding to end the marriage, don't take her desires into consideration anymore.

Just do what is best for the kiddos and yourself.

Her wants aren't your problem anymore. Let the moron she is cheating with try to deal with her bull ****.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you could be her Plan B in case Plan A doesn’t work out.

Tell the children now. I’m sure they already know and are waiting for confirmation.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I don't see the point of waiting 10 weeks to tell them a divorce is happening. 

You do not have to be stage managed.

Consult with a lawyer regarding the best way to handle this. And consider family counseling for the kids.

So you mess up her Spring break, so? Kind of trivial compared to messing up a marriage--on the both of you.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

yeah her "worried" that it will ruin the trip -- NOPE. 10 weeks is plenty of time for your kids to get, absorb and understand the divorce. She is just trying to protect herself so that if the kids see anything inappropriate they won't immediately think that since you both are married, that she isn't doing anything. 

I agree that your kids may need counseling, and DON'T lie to them. Tell them the truth in an age appropriate manner about what each of you has done to the other and why you are ending it (and make it clear it has NOTHING to do with them -- you both are still their parents and love them).


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Well I found out the day my Dad left, and I would not recommend it. I wish I knew and had some time to prepare myself. Besides that make sure you take enough time to reassure your kids that whatever parent is not going to be their primary isn't leaving them. Make sure that person is very active in communicating with them.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I would tell the kids immediately and do not lie to them in her or your defence. They need to know that in this case it is her that is leaving and also behaving badly. They need to hold her feet to the fire while they are there in case she is planning any shenanigans with the POSOM while they are there. This is meant to be their spring break and a chance for them and her to see her sister - not an opportunity to play hide the sausage with the craphead.

Have I seen examples of a cheating spouse leaving and then coming back again? Yes I have and the results are not great. In most cases it is (as others have said) when Plan A doesn't work out and they return to Plan B. I do not believe that the POSOM is Plan A - he is just some fun for her to have and is a legover more than a real relationship. However her Plan A is not you and therefore it is something else - something else that might not work out.

Then there are other (fewer) circumstances when both have had a chance to think about their own wrong doings and the return to a relationship is like a reboot of the marriage (and doesn't always end up with them remarrying). Often this relationship is stronger than the orignal. But, as I said, examples of this are few and far between.

Then there is a version of the previous where the best way to describe it is a "false" restart. This can be quite damaging so both need to be absolutely sure before jumping into a relationship again - especially if issues have not been resolved, and both parties have not been 100% honest with each other, but also more importantly themselves (as in your stbxw not owning up to the affair).

I would not advise you to wait for any of this to happen but to go on being the best version of you and doing the best to heal and be well. When you come out the other side of this tunnel, you will realise that not only is there life after this but quite possibly a happier life.

You have the added challenge (your own mind) of feeling sorry and responsible for her - I get it. But she has to stand on her own two feet and only so much can be blamed on PTSD. She is behaving badly right now and she needs to understand this and face the consequences.

Good luck.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Kids aren’t clueless. They know when things aren’t going well. And yours know more than most. So they need to be told now and not weeks or months in the future.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

The kids know you were "bad" -- pretty sure at least the older ones know you cheated.
They already know your wife is having an EA with this guy "we're just friends" and she won't stop - yeah, they aren't stupid.
Tell them asap.


----------

