# Relationship Issues



## texasproblems (Oct 31, 2014)

I am currently dating a woman with two children, neither one of them are biologically mine. We all live together, and have been for about two years. Given the fact that we live together, and there are kids involved, I feel the magnitude of a breakup would be tantamount to a divorce. I am hoping someone can provide some insight or advice.

The relationship, to put it simply, makes me unhappy right now - and I am sure it makes her unhappy as well, though she denies that. I feel that we are trapped together and try to pretend we love one another as she has nowhere to go, and I don't have the heart/motivation to kick the three of them out on the street. She says she loves me and wants to be with me, but love by itself (if true) doesn't mean much in my book. She might just think she loves me because she doesn't have anything left to cling to.

It has been very rocky, and I am pretty sure she is depressed. The first couple weeks were actually pretty good when we moved in together, but then incidents kept happening and it just dragged her into a hole or something. She was in a nasty car accident, but no serious injuries to her. Her mother, father, and grandmother all died of cancer. Her best friend fled an abusive relationship and she hasn't heard from her since. Her little brother, who she helped raise, has gotten himself into quite a pickle after returning from the Middle East with PTSD. Again, this has all happened in less than two years.

I am trying to be supportive, but I don't know where the line between support and enabling is. I freely admit that I can be an overbearing pain in the ass, and like things done my way, but I feel I am entitled to that in my own house. She has spurts where she tries to get it together and be on top of things, but it always falls through eventually. She doesn't work or do enough housework to justify a lack of income, in my opinion. I feel bad for her, but I don't quite understand why I have to have my life so negatively impacted by it all. I am tired of her not holding up her end of the relationship. We seem to constantly fight, and she lashes out and is incredibly defensive. I don't know what is relevant info and what is petty complaining, so I'll just stop here. It is almost like she is trying to find who she is as a person after all the trauma, but I feel that is a luxury that can't be afforded when there is a relationship/kids.

For further background, I was an admittedly terrible boyfriend for a while before we lived together. I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abusive. My best friend died and I took it all out on her. There are other things, but you get the gist. I turned my behavior around for the most part, but psychologically it has to play in her mind somehow.

I am intentionally painting myself negatively, and glossing over some of her negatives, because I am trying to get perspective on what to do. If I hide from where I have fallen short, then it is impossible to get a fair assessment on the relationship. I do care for her, and I would like to stay with her - but if this is just going to continue then I'd rather cut my losses now. Sorry if this post rambles too much, feel free to ask questions.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

texasproblems said:


> It has been very rocky, and I am pretty sure she is depressed. The first couple weeks were actually pretty good when we moved in together, but then incidents kept happening and it just dragged her into a hole or something. She was in a nasty car accident, but no serious injuries to her. Her mother, father, and grandmother all died of cancer. Her best friend fled an abusive relationship and she hasn't heard from her since. Her little brother, who she helped raise, has gotten himself into quite a pickle after returning from the Middle East with PTSD. Again, this has all happened in less than two years.


Man this is a recipe for depression if I ever saw one.
She may need some help to get over this one.
Are you down to help her out and maybe get her to a shrink for some work?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What gives you any reason to think the status quo is going to change? Are either of you actually doing something to change it? 

Before she moved in, was there any talk about how things would work, with regards to her working or not, etc? How did she support herself then? How long did you date before she moved in?

Frankly, both of you seem to be a hot mess. I'd say to work on your issues, and figure out where you're at and what you need. And what you need to work on. If that matches with what she brings to the relationship, great. If not, better to end it sooner rather than later. Then both of you can find someone who matches your relationship needs. Being stuck in limbo is no way to live. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did she support herself and her children before you came along?



texasproblems said:


> I do care for her, and I would like to stay with her -


If both of you want this to work and are willing to do the work, you can work it out.

I agree that she sounds very depressed and probably needs help. Have you talked to her about what looks like her depression and the problems with the relationship? The first step would be to talk to her. Then get her some help.

A good book for learning how to fix and structure a relationship so that it’s a happy one with passion is “His Needs, Her Needs.

Have you over felt in love with her? Or was she just someone to fill avoid after your last girlfriend?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are the kids? And does she get support from a past relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## texasproblems (Oct 31, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Man this is a recipe for depression if I ever saw one.
> She may need some help to get over this one.
> Are you down to help her out and maybe get her to a shrink for some work?


I have been trying to, but I feel we aren't actually working properly. A shrink would probably help with that, but you can't force someone to go and when you are depressed doing anything to help yourself is the last thing you want to do. Any advice on broaching that subject?



PBear said:


> What gives you any reason to think the status quo is going to change? Are either of you actually doing something to change it?
> 
> Before she moved in, was there any talk about how things would work, with regards to her working or not, etc? How did she support herself then? How long did you date before she moved in?
> 
> ...


I don't know about the status quo changing, I've tried and she has tried, but trying and actually doing aren't the same thing.

We dated for about 4 years, maybe a bit more. We did talk quite a bit about it, she always wanted to go back to work but was fine taking care of household duties until then (she did both when she lived independently), but it is like her passion/ambition is gone. She used to have a drive to make things happen. She used to work really hard, in fact that was one of the things I found attractive - her work ethic. In retrospect, the place she worked took advantage of her and her boss was abusive. Had I been a better boyfriend at the time, I would have been there to help her get away from that.

Not sure what you mean by hot mess. I know what my needs are, and she is not meeting them. But, I don't think it is right to abandon someone who has been there for me just because they are temporarily not meeting my needs. It is determining if it is temporary that is the issue.



EleGirl said:


> How did she support herself and her children before you came along?
> 
> 
> If both of you want this to work and are willing to do the work, you can work it out.
> ...


She worked. She worked very hard and long hours to support herself, like I said earlier it was one of the things I found attractive about her.

I have tried to talk with her, but I am probably approaching it poorly.

It was to fill a void at first. I don't believe the in love thing, and have never personally felt it. I did love her at one time, and still do, but it is becoming harder to do so I think.



PBear said:


> How old are the kids? And does she get support from a past relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


12 and 8. No support. She should be getting support, but she does not and does not make any attempt to pursue it. I have very mixed feelings on the matter, as it is admirable to not look at a child like a paycheck but at the same time that support would be helpful and I don't think the biological father should be getting away with not contributing at all.


----------



## texasproblems (Oct 31, 2014)

Well, just got into an argument with her.

I have been telling the kids since Wed. that if they didn't do their chores they wouldn't be able to go Trick or Treating. The kids didn't do their chores, so they can't go Trick or Treating. She is angry about that.

She has also been sick for the last two days. I took the kids to school, let her sleep all day, brought her medicine, and picked the kids up. I did this while working, and I will be working most of tonight.

Now she wants to have her friend and her friend's daughter over so the three of them can go out Trick or Treating, I guess leaving me with the kids, working, and handing out Halloween candy. Ultimately, she wants her kids to join her I'm sure, but I don't think she was going to fight that battle. I told her that it wasn't OK, because I am trying to teach the kids that there are consequences to their actions. Letting people come over when they are being punished is undermining our authority and ability to parent in my opinion.

She is upset saying I never compromise and she has to ask permission to do anything. I think she has this massive chip on her shoulder whenever she perceives that she is being told what to do or something. I am of the opinion that she is free to leave at any time if she doesn't agree with what I am trying to accomplish or how I feel. I don't understand why she isn't right there with me parenting the kids. Why do I feel alone on this? 

If you don't like someone else having input in what you do, then you need to become completely independent. It seems to me that she is trying to have her cake and eat it too by reaping the resources and positive qualities I bring, while not having to be answerable to me. She thinks I am throwing it in her face when I point out that I am paying for everything so I have say in how it gets used, I think she is showing a complete lack of gratitude. I am not trying to keep her locked up or anything, I have encouraged her to go out with her friends and nurture those relationships, but she needs to keep in mind that our relationship and the home we are trying to build should come first. I have financed many trips to go see friends, but suddenly I am controlling when I say that this time it isn't ok?

I have even suggested that maybe we are just too different. We have different priorities I guess, and I am completely fine with her doing what she wants to do. It just shouldn't come at the expense of what I want out of life on my dime.

Am I completely delusional, or is there something wrong with this picture? I am very happy with everything in my life, with the exception of what is currently going on in my home...

Edit: Well her friend is coming over. She claims that she feels lost and doesn't have anyone, and just wanted to have Halloween be Halloween since it is her favorite holiday of the year. I understand why she is clinging to stuff like this and why she doesn't want to be around negativity, but I feel it is incredibly immature and unfair for her to focus so much on this. Am I being unreasonable?

Edit 2: She complains that I'm different than I used to be. The truth of the matter is, I am. Two years of dealing with a depressed, difficult girlfriend and being the sole provider, and often the sole responsible party, will do that to someone. I am not carefree and joking all the time, because I don't feel I have that luxury anymore. The world keeps spinning and things need to be taken care of. I work two jobs and try to be a father to those children. I don't always want to be the bad guy. Maybe I would like to have a Halloween too, you know? But in my book, parenting and responsibilities come first.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I suggest that - if you still want to work on this relationship (and it would be understandable if you want out, too many things not clicking, too many points of mutual resentment) - that you have a talk with her about her getting professional help. Get meds for depression/anxiety from psychiatrist, hopefully after few weeks/couple of months they will give her some motivation and she will go into IC in addition to meds. She went through extremely tough times and it looks like she hasn't dealt with it properly. You may have to make this either/or argument: either she does get help, or you are out, but that's your decision to make.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are not married. You are not the biological father of her children. They will not accept you as a disciplinarian of a father figure. As she contradicts you, you will remain a nuisance to them. She needs to get a job to support her children and get welfare assistance so that the state can make their biological father support them. If you marry her, the father of her children will be off the hook.

You seem to be very unhappy with your girlfriend and her children. You can either accept your situation or cut your losses. It appears that you are a meal ticket for your girlfriend and her children. Your situation can get worse when the children gets older. When children get to be in their teens, they become more defiant. I have been an educator for 28 years and observed teens closely. You need to assess your situation, whether you want your present life to be permanent or not.


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Moving this to General Forum at OP's request.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sure you are worried how breaking up with her will effect the children. It will effect them that is why it's a bad idea to live with someone, especially someone with children. She does need help and I'd say if she doesn't get some and start being holding up her share of responsibilities then I think you have every right to break up with her. You shouldn't have to be stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy. 

If you do decide to break up with her because she hasn't done anything to improve her life and contribute more then give her time (say 6 months) to find a job so she can support herself and her children when she moves out.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I freely admit that I can be an overbearing pain in the ass, and like things done my way, but I feel I am entitled to that in my own house."

This in a nutshell. No, you're not entitled. If you wanted to live by yourself, you shouldn't have moved 3 people into your home.

Frankly, you're lucky she didn't have your azz thrown in jail for all your abuse. You were abusive then and you're abusive now. I sincerely feel sorry for the poor woman who feels she has to tolerate this crappola for the sake of her children. Do her and her children a favor and drop them off at a woman's shelter. Getting yourself out of their lives will be the best thing that could ever happen to them.


----------



## texasproblems (Oct 31, 2014)

Thank you all for your responses. Truthfully, I feel a bit better just venting/discussing the situation. I appreciate the different perspectives.



WandaJ said:


> I suggest that - if you still want to work on this relationship (and it would be understandable if you want out, too many things not clicking, too many points of mutual resentment) - that you have a talk with her about her getting professional help. Get meds for depression/anxiety from psychiatrist, hopefully after few weeks/couple of months they will give her some motivation and she will go into IC in addition to meds. She went through extremely tough times and it looks like she hasn't dealt with it properly. You may have to make this either/or argument: either she does get help, or you are out, but that's your decision to make.


I talked with her about counseling again, and she seems to have a lot of anxiety about the idea, but she does seem open to it. I think it is long overdue, personally. I hope she does for her sake, something needs to be done, regardless if she is with me or not.

Her friend coming over seemed to be good for her, even though I'm not on board with the way it went down. I think they had several "girl talks" that may have been therapeutic, I walked in a few times to some seemingly deep convos and she was crying - I'm glad she can open up to her friend. I wish that she could open up more successfully to me sometimes, but we have tried and emotional availability is not my strong suit and she struggles with vulnerability, especially with me. Sometimes a friend is what you need.



Roselyn said:


> You are not married. You are not the biological father of her children. They will not accept you as a disciplinarian of a father figure. As she contradicts you, you will remain a nuisance to them. She needs to get a job to support her children and get welfare assistance so that the state can make their biological father support them. If you marry her, the father of her children will be off the hook.
> 
> You seem to be very unhappy with your girlfriend and her children. You can either accept your situation or cut your losses. It appears that you are a meal ticket for your girlfriend and her children. Your situation can get worse when the children gets older. When children get to be in their teens, they become more defiant. I have been an educator for 28 years and observed teens closely. You need to assess your situation, whether you want your present life to be permanent or not.


The meal ticket thing concerns me, no doubt. When we first started dating I was a deadbeat with no job. She didn't need to "support" me, but she did share whatever she could with me without asking for anything in return. I was depressed and didn't have a job, she made time for me while working long hours and helped encourage me to get to where I am today. Now, the cynical side of me definitely wonders if that was just an "investment" on her part, to have a future meal ticket - but I freely admit that I can be paranoid as all get out. 

Truthfully, she normally doesn't contradict me with the children. She does sometimes, but I can understand why it is difficult to accept someone else exerting authority over children you have been raising yourself. Logically, she has to accept it for the relationship to work, but I think I would struggle too if I was in her shoes. Sometimes I think she's too soft, and our parenting styles can disagree, but she backs my word the majority of the time. I don't think that is unusual, it certainly wasn't with my parents. The bigger issue is that she doesn't always see my punishments through - the whole struggling to maintain day-to-day responsibilities that I touched on in my first post. It isn't that she disagrees, it is that she can be wrapped up in her own world of depression or apathy or something. The children definitely look at me like a father, which isn't necessarily a good thing.



Happilymarried25 said:


> I'm sure you are worried how breaking up with her will effect the children. It will effect them that is why it's a bad idea to live with someone, especially someone with children. She does need help and I'd say if she doesn't get some and start being holding up her share of responsibilities then I think you have every right to break up with her. You shouldn't have to be stuck in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
> 
> If you do decide to break up with her because she hasn't done anything to improve her life and contribute more then give her time (say 6 months) to find a job so she can support herself and her children when she moves out.


That does worry me quite a bit. I don't want to be flippant with any decisions because this isn't a high-school fling. There are two innocent people who will be impacted.

When I talked with her yesterday I told her that if she doesn't make serious strides to improve things this relationship can't continue.



Blondilocks said:


> "I freely admit that I can be an overbearing pain in the ass, and like things done my way, but I feel I am entitled to that in my own house."
> 
> This in a nutshell. No, you're not entitled. If you wanted to live by yourself, you shouldn't have moved 3 people into your home.
> 
> Frankly, you're lucky she didn't have your azz thrown in jail for all your abuse. You were abusive then and you're abusive now. I sincerely feel sorry for the poor woman who feels she has to tolerate this crappola for the sake of her children. Do her and her children a favor and drop them off at a woman's shelter. Getting yourself out of their lives will be the best thing that could ever happen to them.


You are correct, at least to an extent. I don't think I fully grasped what living with other people would be like, and how some of my quirks would rub against other people's quirks. However, I am able to rectify that by no longer living with them, if that is what it takes.

Sometimes I wonder if you're right, that maybe it would be best for everyone to accept that this relationship was not the right move and never was. I don't know if she's only with me for the children's sake, I doubt it as it is not characteristic of her personality, but there is no way to ever determine that fully I suppose.

I do wonder why you are so quick to assume I am abusive to the point where I belong in jail. Is there something about my writing that implies that? Is there something in my situation, between the lines, that I am in denial about?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I was sexually, *physically*, and emotionally abusive. My best friend died and I took it all out on her."

Have you shown gratitude for what she has done for you?


----------



## texasproblems (Oct 31, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> "I was sexually, *physically*, and emotionally abusive. My best friend died and I took it all out on her."
> 
> Have you shown gratitude for what she has done for you?


I'd say I have. I have said thank you and sorry many times, and told her that the success I have found is partially hers. There is also the whole, you know, supporting her for two years while she has tried to work through whatever she is dealing with. I'd say that shows gratitude.

I understand that there is no justification for abuse of any sort. I am ashamed of my actions, and am remorseful. I am also trying to be a better man.

I don't think I agree with your stance but thank you for your opinion.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What was her response to being told the situation can't continue as it is?


----------

