# ...A sexless marriage boomerang



## amateurlover (Jan 24, 2013)

So much resentment towards myself, I don't know what to do w/it. The word regret does weight more than one can ever imagine. But one thing is certain boys and girls: never under-estimate the power of selection, in a relationship. Perception IS w/out a doubt everything!
Is she simply accostumed, used-to, conditioned to having me around? Can a relationship happily survive w/out intimacy? Should I have trusted my instincts of 15 years ago in thinking something like this would happen to me with her?
During our 3 years of dating she wanted to remain a virgin until she was married, and I respected that. A year after we married, her inability to perform intercourse made her have a vaginal surgery/procedure in which (after recovery of course) a woman should be able to...Another year passed, we tried again and it was just impossible. 
Between our work and college, we were slowly drifting apart. I remember preparing a surprise dinner and bubble bath one night when she hit me with what would be the same proposal she made a few times after, thru the years: "maybe we should see other people", "we're in our late 20's and have our lives ahead of us". It was a tough blow to the heart. What was I doing wrong? Was I not being supportive or sensitive enough? Conversations in trying to change her mind weren't getting anywhere, but the day I decided to move out, she stopped me, broke down, and said she was very confused... And did I give in to reconciliation? Of course I did... I loved her!
Years passed, still struggling with our 'coitus issues', with 'body-rubbing' being her preferred method of pleasure. Forget about foreplay, oral, anal??? Not in a million years! Although frankly, I'm not the type of man who holds those as "must haves". 
Around '02, our son was born... C-section of course. And Yes, women can get pregnant w/out intercourse. Responsibilities multiplied, my music and her photography hobbies got downsized to a minimum, and I guess parenting differences (as all parents have) triggered the same anxiety-in question in her as before: "this isn't working for me", "we're still young...", "my child is my only priority now and if you have a problem w/that, there's the door", etc... Another great heart-brake since, not only does hurt double the second time around, it totally underminded my devotion and love for our son. Trust me, I'm well aware none of it compares to a fifth of what a mother goes thru in 9 months and labor... But c'mon! I was there at every OBG visit, in the delivery room, took care of the baby while she recovered, did all chores, took 'paternity leave' (time off work)... I hung on there... Figured it must've been a postpartum effect or something.
Fast forward a few years, she goes back to school for her masters so that she is able make more $. Even less time for us, but hey, there's a greater picture in sight, so can't complain. But I did ask her to visit her doctor since we were still not able to have sex... After lots of nagging in my part, we went back to her Dr., who diagnosed a conditioned called vaginism; which by the name implies 'inability to have vaginal intercourse'... A physiological condition where the pelvic muscles surrounding the vaginal walls contract to the point of not-allowing any penetration whatsoever. I felt really bad about this, for her. And I ended up feeling REALLY bad for me after noticing she was not willing to do what was needed; specifically the therapy necessary to overcome this curable condition... Still to this day, when I try to calmly converse with her about it, she becomes incredibly defensive. I feel like I'm watching someone commit sexual-suicide in front of me, and the face of the person morphs between hers and mine.
15 years have gone by; we're in our forties now; she's going thru menopause, and we all know what that does to a woman's sex drive. I feel like I've wasted my life chasing the thought of 'no worries; things will be better w/time and patience'. Doesn't matter now, but was she ever in-love w/me? Would this be happening to her if the husband were to be some company CEO or VP instead of a simple working class guy like me? Maybe not... Maybe I'm just giving the idea of marriage-sex in my mind too much importance, when for her it just wasn't, hasn't, and will not be important to maintain and sustain w/anyone. And of course, those separation proposals creep up once in a while and insist: "don't make this about you? ...you ARE the problem". 
The pain is excrutchiating and the years have taken their toll... To the point where RIGHT NOW, I can only look at my wife as the mother of my child, my roommate, the person I drive around on the weekends... I will not cheat because that's just not how I do things. I've just given up on intimacy, on the saturday night dinner-dates, on asking for baby-sitting favors... Recently she had the audacity of insinuating something about our wedding anniversary... And my question was: What in the hell are we going to celebrate? Still love her, but am not sure am able to continue to accept the status quo for too long, at this stage in my life. 
I have never opened up w/anyone about this... Thanks to whomever took the time to stop by and read; years of agony and embarrassment compiled into what some may view it as simply 'another guy feeling sorry for himself'. Maybe I just waited too long to contemplate the use of a professional / therapist / counselor / etc... Yet this forum has indeed helped me vent some of the pain... Out!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Is there any question in your mind where you rank?

Here, let me help you



> *Vaginismus is considered the most successfully treatable female sexual disorder*. Many studies have shown treatment success rates approaching nearly 100%. The *self-help approach *is based on extensive research into the causes and treatment of vaginismus and includes a complete 10 step process with *easy-to-follow*, practical treatment solutions. This approach has been used successfully by thousands of women and medical professionals.


She doesn't want to be cured. She doesn't want your penis in her vagina. She doesn't want your penis in her mouth. She doesn't want to give you sexual gratification at all, at least according to your post. She will not make an effort. Does she even give you handjobs?

So...respecting your vows (major props for that) you still provide her with...whatever. Affection, fiscal and household support, a companion.

Here is the money quote from your own mouth...with a little amendment from me:



> I can only look at my wife as my *selfish selfish* roommate, the person I drive around on the weekends...


You paid for her Master's degree. You clean her house. You drive her around weekends.

So you are her ATM, maid and chauffer...and you've never seemed to endeavor to be anything more.

Whose fault is that exactly?

That line of 'sexual self suicide'...don't focus on her face. She's FINE with what's happening. YOU are the one who sees this as a problem...and done nothing. Not a damn thing...

It's been 15+ years. 

Here are your options as I see them (Ignore anyone who tells you you need to have a frank conversation with your wife. That ship sailed, passed Cape Hope, got stranded in the Sargasso Sea...and was eaten by worms until it sank...She hasn't changed for 15 years. She isn't changing for you now)

1) Continue this martyr thing you are grooving one. Write incredibly poigniant pieces about your feelings. It will garner a lot of sympathy. It won't DO anything...but it will make you feel better.

2) Divorce her ass. But you haven't for 15 years. Most men get a tonsure carved onto their head when the decided on celibacy. Very few use wedding rings for the same purpose. You haven't divorced her YET about this...so why would you start now? This is a serious question.

3) Continue in your vows with a certain amount of self respect. (Check the couch and the junk drawer. You must have left it _somewhere_) On her bridge night...or the ladies' book club or whatever, you go to her in your 'going out clothes' and tell her 'My marriage was sworn for better or for worse. I've been getting the worse and you've been getting the better. So I'm going to find some 'better' for myself. Don't wait up for me." 

Then you leave, stranding her with the kid and engage in a non sexual activity you enjoy. Movies. Sports event. Drinking. Crying insonsolably. Whatever floats your boat. And you KEEP carving out time for yourself. Keep your vows but recall, BOTH spouses made a pact. She's insisted on a sexual monopoly...and she isn't providing the services promised.

So while you may owe her fidelity, you don't owe her your entire life in perpetual servitude.

I am...a bit blunt.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Wedding anniversary??? LOL Dude, you're not married yet!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

If all these noble, selfless, sexless husbands in this forum gets a gold medal for every week they spent without any kind of sexual gratification from their wives...while still genuinely caring and providing for them.. the International Olympic Committee will have to disband, because there will be no more gold medals left in this world to be given to their athletes... 

Since I joined this forum, Every day I discover heart-tugging sad stories like these, about loving husbands who genuinely love their wives, and yet those wives constantly denied them sex.... 

And yet, nobody seems to sympathize with their plight. Many people cares about wars in the Middle East and the vanishing of tropical forest.. but nobody seems to give a damn about the suffering of husbands affllicted by sexless marriages.. I am yet to see any world symposium on remedying sexless marriages.. while the topics of Israel vs Palestine are debated to the death almost every year...

Mr. Amateur, I wish one day you will find your happiness. I never been in your situation, but even I could sympathize with your plight.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think you need to read JCD's post a couple times and think about it. This issue really does lay at your own feet. Your passive nature has allowed sexlessness to flourish in your relationship. You are the one who holds the key here. Your woman does not feel threatened by her abuse of you in any way. She's not concerned that you'll leave. She's not concerned about anything. And you're proving it to her by continually rewarding her bad behavior.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think you need to read JCD's post a couple times and think about it. This issue really does lay at your own feet. Your passive nature has allowed sexlessness to flourish in your relationship. You are the one who holds the key here. Your woman does not feel threatened by her abuse of you in any way. She's not concerned that you'll leave. She's not concerned about anything. And you're proving it to her by continually rewarding her bad behavior.


Agreed!

Obtain and immediately read, "No More Mr Nice Guy" followed by "The Married Man Sex Life Primer." Put these principles into practice immediately...that is of course if you want nothing to change. Remember, insanity is doing the same things and expecting different results.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Stopped reading when I got to the part about her pregnancy. This coupled with her earlier suggestion that the two of you "should see other people" struck a chord in me. A bad one

True, she COULD have gotten pregnant without full on intercourse but in this case i'd be REAL suspicious

If I were you, I'd DNA the child


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## amateurlover (Jan 24, 2013)

JCD, thanks for the reply... [you too WorkingOnMe | John_Lord]
I too did lots of research on the Vaginism [or Vaginismus] condition and even bought that 10-step treatment [still under the mattress actually], which includes a couple of books and different-sized dilators, etc... No handjobs; I did not pay for her master [apologize if it read through as such], but I get your point and am appreciative of your bluntness...Don't hold back dude, I'm not anymore. 
Take care of yourselves!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think you need to read JCD's post a couple times and think about it. This issue really does lay at your own feet. Your passive nature has allowed sexlessness to flourish in your relationship. You are the one who holds the key here. Your woman does not feel threatened by her abuse of you in any way. She's not concerned that you'll leave. She's not concerned about anything. And you're proving it to her by continually rewarding her bad behavior.


Personally, I think he chose unwisely. From the start, according to his post, she wasnt' that into him and he cajoled her into marrying him.

The person who cares least about the relationship controls it. Seen that before. Seeing it now. He obviously brings something to the table or she'd leave...but she's put a very definite 'cost/loss' line in the marriage.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Stopped reading when I got to the part about her pregnancy. This coupled with her earlier suggestion that the two of you "should see other people" struck a chord in me. A bad one
> 
> True, she COULD have gotten pregnant without full on intercourse but in this case i'd be REAL suspicious
> 
> If I were you, I'd DNA the child


I am wondering about that myself. How did you get semen close enough to her vagina to get sperm inside? The way way you describe you relationship leads me to believe that you have not even been that intimate.


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## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

john_lord_b3 said:


> If all these noble, selfless, sexless husbands in this forum gets a gold medal for every week they spent without any kind of sexual gratification from their wives...while still genuinely caring and providing for them.. the International Olympic Committee will have to disband, because there will be no more gold medals left in this world to be given to their athletes...
> 
> Since I joined this forum, Every day I discover heart-tugging sad stories like these, about loving husbands who genuinely love their wives, and yet those wives constantly denied them sex....
> 
> ...


Just remember that there are a lot of wives in the exact same position.


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## amateurlover (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks for your concern romantic_guy... He is my child, trust me, I went thru those same doubts myself and took care of it... And yes, the way I described it [explicit as it may sound], I've had the closest-to-full-intercourse sexual treatment...Pathetic to say the least! That's very different from being fully intimate w/your wife. Very different than having not initiate all the time, or rolling my eyes when trying different things, or being dismissive, and the rest of the saga u know about already. One can illustrate what I've written in a way of zero-genital-proximity if you will...jeje...which is not the case [at least once every few weeks]. But again, thanks for your attention.


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## Tango (Sep 30, 2012)

Sounds to me as though you're already gone-you just haven't walked out the door yet. Grow some, she won't change for you. If she's suggested seeing other people in the past what makes you think she hasn't already? She obviously has some interest in sex, just not with you. You have made her very comfortable. It's time to make her uncomfortable. Good luck.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

LEAVE!!! why are you staying? tell me one good reason why you are in this non-marriage. your marriage is a joke. you are still young to experience the joy of love, sex, and marriage. don't accept that this is your fate. you can read those books, but you never had something special there to even save. do yourself a favor and leave. you don't deserve this. you sound like a nice guy. when you do leave and one day find a wonderful woman who loves you intimately, you will not have a shred of doubt in your mind that you did the right thing. Let your poor excuse for a wife find some other sucker who accepts her terms for a relationship. Only a celibate man might find her attractive. *GET OUT AND STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE.*


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

amateurlover said:


> JCD, thanks for the reply... [you too WorkingOnMe | John_Lord]
> I too did lots of research on the Vaginism [or Vaginismus] condition and even bought that 10-step treatment [still under the mattress actually], which includes a couple of books and different-sized dilators, etc... No handjobs; I did not pay for her master [apologize if it read through as such], but I get your point and am appreciative of your bluntness...Don't hold back dude, I'm not anymore.
> Take care of yourselves!


Liking my posts won't fix your problems. What are you going to do?


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## LittleBird (Jan 12, 2013)

This is the one and only time I'm going to say this TAM folks, so listen up. And this is coming from ME the Queen of Defending the Refusers.

DUMP HER.

Are you serious? This is the most ridiculous, ****ed up, psychotic **** I've ever heard.

Seriously, I can recommend several good lawyers.

Go find someone who will treat you like a human being.

If you care about her, keep her as a friend.

But a wife she is not. 

And it seems she has no interest in being one.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

LittleBird said:


> This is the one and only time I'm going to say this TAM folks, so listen up. And this is coming from ME the Queen of Defending the Refusers.
> 
> DUMP HER.
> 
> ...


So, Mr. AmateurLover.. even Her Majesty the Queen herself has spoken!!! What are you waiting for? "GET OUT AND STOP WASTING YOUR LIFE!!"  

(thank you Mrs. IsGirl3, for the quote  )


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

You say that your wife has had surgery to correct the physical problems that stopped her allowing you to have intercourse but has she had / is she willing to get some emotinal / mental treatment.

It could be that some traumatic event in her past has left her unwilling / emotionaly unable to even conteplate full intercourse. On the other hand she may just not be sexualy attracted to you (or any man) but wants to have a child / life partner. What ever the reason she is unlikely to change her ways after all this time without some intervention.

You need to deside if you are prepared to live in a sexless marriage, some people (both men & women) can and do. Just because there is no sex does not mean there is no love.


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