# Unsure what to do...



## runner12 (May 4, 2012)

Hello!
It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I really feel like I’m at a crossroad and unsure what to do. Am I over reacting or overthinking or am I really just done? I guess I don’t know how you know when you don’t want to continue your marriage. It’s different for everyone. And it’s a really big decision. Marriage isn’t just something you can turn off like a light switch. But life changes, people change, and circumstances change. I’m just really unsure and don’t want to make a mistake. 
So my husband and I have been together 16 years and married for 11 years. We did thins backwards by moving in, having kids, then getting married. We have 2 sons still at home and I have a daughter from a previous relationship that is living on her own. Our marriage has had a lot of roller coasters but we have always managed to pull through somehow. 
My husband is actually the high maintenance one in the relationship. He has expensive taste in things. He is outgoing, funny, often the life of the party, and tells people how it is. He can often be very crass and sometimes lacks tact fullness. He also really enjoys attention and will always somehow bring the conversation back to him. I’m a very low maintenance kind of person that is introverted and enjoys time alone. I don’t like attention, I don’t want to be a bother, very sympathetic and empathetic, and nurturing. 
I don’t know if it’s because I’m at a different point in my life or if dealing with him for so many years has just pushed me to my breaking point.
So many things have happened that have just brought me to this point where I just don’t enjoy being around him anymore. I have a lot of resentment for many things that have happened over the years, things he has said and done. And I feel like I never truly got closure because it was always somehow turned around on me or I didn’t want to further talk about it because it would set his temper off. 
Some examples:
After I became pregnant with our second child, I found he had created an online profile for a dating site and made sure to wipe out all history off the computer with it. He said in his profile that he was leaving his pregnant girlfriend. I went to the ER once because I had severe morning sickness during that pregnancy and when I returned home, he asked me if I planned to visit Dr. Coat hanger yet. He has always had a fast temper and would throw fits when things didn’t go his way, usually breaking something. He has punched holes in the walls, thrown things, broken phones and glasses. He once punched the windshield of my car when the boys were misbehaving in a store while I was on vacation. He had an emotional affair with a woman he went to school with that he reconnected with through Facebook. Whenever we get into a really bad argument, he spends $145 a night to go stay at a hotel rather then sleeping in the couch. He spends money like it’s water then has the nerve recently to complain that I spent too much money on books. Books! I don’t do drugs, I don’t go out, I don’t drink! He complains about anything and everything, right down to him not being to make the meals he wants because me and the kids don’t like seafood. It’s always something with him, something that he has to find fault with. Even the kids roll their eyes when he’s throwing a fit or complaining. I don’t even want to go on vacation without him because he punched my windshield when I did. And anytime I’ve mentioned going somewhere with my mom or friends, we’ll he immediately wants to go somewhere too. 
I have always been the bread winner and held a steady job with benefits. But I recently switched jobs because he complained non-stop about how much he hated my schedule because he couldn’t always do things because he had to run the kids to their activities. But my job paid the bills. Now I hate my new job and I make a lot less. So now he complains we don’t have enough money. He has had multiple jobs and is currently in school and I think this career is a really good fit for him. He will be done after this semester and having his income again will be really helpful. 
Over the last 6 months I have really withdrawn from him. I constantly think about just being on my own with the kids and divorcing him. I have always gone out of my way to make things easier for him and I’m just tired of doing it. I’m just exhausted from dealing with him. I’m tired of not explaining how I feel or arguing about something even if it hurts me because it might set off his temper. Im tired of walking around on egg shells because I never know what will set him off. I’m tired of replacing things that he’s broken. I’m tired of him nagging me. I look at him sometimes and something he might have done before that I thought was cute now drives me nuts. I don’t want to have sex with him because I don’t find him attractive anymore. Not because he’s not good looking but because of his character. I don’t want to go out with him anymore. I can’t describe the level of excitement and happiness I feel when I know that he is going to be gone doing something for a whole day and I don’t have to deal with him. The tipping point was yesterday when he got a check from school for the school loan that I co-signed so we could have a little extra money until he finishes school. We are broke right now and that check could go a long way. Nope, he’s putting it in his separate account so he can buy tools for when he’s done with school. I get that he will need tools but come on, we are flat broke and he has enough tools that he can start his new job with. 
I hate that I’m saying all these things about him because at one point I truly loved him. And while there’s so many things he does, I still try to see the positive. I still try to see how he’s a good father and how when things are good with him, they’re really good. But I just don’t know how to move forward with him. I just feel like I don’t even want to separate, I just want to go to divorce. I feel like if he were to tell me tomorrow that he’s having an affair and leaving me, I would help him pack his bags. That’s how...final I feel. Am I justified to feel this way? Do I try to find a way to come to terms with what’s happened and just keep moving forward the best that I can? I have 2 boys to think about. I also want my husband to get through school so he is financially independent on his own. I’m beyond the point of having the energy to even consider marriage counseling and I hate that I even feel that way. Am I overreacting or overthinking this? I’m not perfect and I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes along the way. I don’t want to go into this blind and make a huge mistake. But he has had ample opportunity to change and he won’t. 
Sorry for rambling. Any thoughts?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Oh my gosh. You seem like a Gem.

Now I'm mad at him.

I think you should do something to wake him up or make your life better.

Would you ever consider putting divorce papers in his hand, telling him what you told us, and that your relationship has a shelf life, he needs to work on himself in IC and MC.

The papers can just be printed off the internet to start, before you start spending money on an attorney. 

People are usually motivated by a fear of loss, or a desire for gain.

Additionally it often takes an impactful event to precipitate change.

I am just asking you these things as a starting point, for discussion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think your WH has done everything a man can do to a woman, leeches off you, cheats on you, physically intimidates you, emotionally abuses you. Girl, you should be long gone, his is nothing but a self entitled POS. Don't let you kids be exposed to this behaviour any more. Get the ball rolling and see a lawyer first. Talk to your family and friends about how you feel (those that you can trust). Consider getting counselling for yourself not the marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

When is he leaving?

Nest time he throws a conniption fit call the police.

A night in jail will serve the selfish boor right.

Get a divorce.

You have the good stuff, he has broken toys in his attic.


Just Sayin'




King Brian-


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Be less optimistic and more realistic.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

You have every right to feel this way!! My gosh I know how draining it is to have another child when you need a solid partner by your side. I often refer my spouse as another child who demands attention. I would be so tired of his behavior and breaking things around the house is defiantly not good!! Have you talked with a therapist? I myself go for extra support. I understand that you want him to be financially independent first as this is very important for all of you! In the meantime, you can go for free consultations to see what lawyers have to say about your situation. Your spouse sounds angry and if he won't help himself or the family THEN yes you need to think about a divorce.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

What advice would you give your kids if they were in your place and came to you for advice? Would you tell them to work things out or would you go to their place and help them pack up and get out of their situation?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look up narcissism. You married a narcissist. I know, I did too. Your story is my story. Thing is, you can't change him. That's who he is, he always will need to be the center of attention, always will be incapable of seeing your side of things or how you feel. 

What my IC said was that, if I was going to stay married, I had to set up concrete boundaries and consequences I was willing to enact - not to improve the marriage but to save my sanity. Because living with a narcissist is a lifetime drain on your soul.

So my advice to you is this: Don't feel guilty for leaving, if that's what you need to save your sanity. Nobody will blame you and if they do, they have no idea what you've gone through, so let them go. If you DO stay, for however long you can stand it, learn all you can about boundaries and consequences and put that in place immediately.

Also, if you're broke, go to UnitedWay.org and find your local office. They can find ways to help you.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I think you should see an attorney just to learn how divorce will impact you.
Then I suggest you have IC to sort our your feelings about your husband and marriage.
Then I suggest you invite your husband to attend the C session. That's a safe place to discuss your issues.
If C fails, prepare to take the kids and go to a hotel a few days - while you have him served with divorce paperwork.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband is an abusive narcissist. Are you aware that you are being abused? 

I was married to this. I divorced it. ZERO regret, not one... single...second. Get yourself OUT.


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