# Looking for facts



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I am looking for anyone who has been through what I am facing and how they handled it.

Over the last three years our sex life has dwindled slowly to maybe once a month.

Last January I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and began radiation and drug therapy. Just finished 9 weeks of radiation treatments. Every week day for a total of 45 treatments.

The radiation is to kill the cancer and the drug therapy is an injection of Lupron every three months for the next three years. The doctor explained the side effect of both the radiation and drugs very specifically. ED is a major one as Lupron is a testosterone inhibitor. He said that testosterone with prostate cancer is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Also radiation basically interferes with the prostate's normal function related to sexual activity.

Bottom line is that our sex life is now basically gone with little hope of returning to anything approaching normal.

My wife says she does not care about the lack of sex, that her major concern is to keep me alive and hopefully healthy one day.

She has been very understanding and supportive (even to the point of being relieved that the cause of our dwindling sex life has been identified). I think she thought I no longer desired her.

We are both in our 60s and have been married 47 years this month.

OK guys or ladies - any thoughts?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Sounds like you have an awesome wife 


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Wishing you the best outcome. 

Are hands and tongues in play? Naked time? We’re only in our 50s (sorta healthy, with only minor issues compared to cancer), what used to effortless now takes effort, it’s kinda scary.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Sounds like you have an awesome wife
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think so.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> Wishing you the best outcome.
> 
> Are hands and tongues in play? Naked time? We’re only in our 50s (sorta healthy, with only minor issues compared to cancer), what used to effortless now takes effort, it’s kinda scary.


My wife has never truly wanted nor appreciated oral sex. Sort of a take it or leave it attitude.

Maybe I do it wrong. We were married very young and both had little experience. We sort of learned as we went along. 

We had been married more than a year before either of use thought about trying oral. She initiated the first time - and truthfully it was a horrible and painful experience for me. But I kept quite for fear of hurting her feelings.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

I’d suggest cunnilingus.

Make it clear to her that your focus is entirely on giving her pleasure and she needs to focus entirely on receiving pleasure, not on how her vagina looks/tastes or doing the laundry tomorrow.

Beforehand, start with five minutes of kissing and undressing.

When you get down to her vagina, start by inhaling deeply, starting to lick her and say “mmmm” to let her know it’s the best smelling, best tasting thing in the world.

Lick the top inch and a half of the vagina, from just above the clit down. Lick it like an ice cream cone (ie, largely using a flat tongue, no stabbing or flicking with the tip of your tongue). Do this for about five minutes. This is getting her clit aroused. 

Then suck/wet your pointer finger and penetrate with it for a minute while still licking. Now a second finger, penetrating while still licking her, for a couple minutes. (You can find her g-spot about a couple inches inside her vagina on the top, curling your fingers up in a “come hither” motion, and you can massage that for bonus points.)

Her clit is probably ready now. Still penetrating with fingers, use your other hand to gently pull back the clitoral hood. Lick with the tip of your tongue around the clit. (Some people lick the alphabet.) Ask her to direct you where to lick, up/down, left/right, faster/slower, more/less pressure.

(She may jerk her clit off your tongue sometimes. Don’t follow her with your tongue - you can keep licking while she moves her clit onto your tongue, if necessary. She’s pulling her clit away because it’s sensitive and uncomfortable the way you just licked it.)

When she really seems to like it (possibly says “there, don’t stop”), do your best to maintain speed, angle and pressure until she cums. If the involuntary spasms of orgasm cause her clit to move off your tongue, DO follow her so that the tongue motion stays constant on her clit. Keep it up through the orgasm until she pushes your head away (or tells you to stop). Her clit is now extremely sensitive and she can’t take it being touched, just like the head of your **** right after you cum (it’s “raw”).

Wait about 15 seconds. Now her clit is touchable again, primed and ready. Using both hands, gently pull back the clitoral hood and resume licking her just like you did when she first came. She will immediately start orgasming, if not multiple orgasming. Again, after she finishes cumming, her clit will become sensitive and she’ll push you away.

Wait another fifteen seconds and do it again. Keep doing this until she tells you she can’t go anymore. Her clit might start to pulse with her heartbeat, and she might not be able to receive oral again for another day.

[I learned about the multiple rounds of orgasms from watching my wife use her vibrator. She would cum, turn it off for a little while laying there, then turn it on again for another round. I figured the same would work with cunnilingus, and it does.]


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Starfire on cunnilingus, from another thread:

“If you don't go down on your wife, then shame on you because you should. If you do go down on her and are not bringing her to orgasm every single time, then you're not doing it right and just need to know how to do it properly.

First off - do not flick your tongue. A lot of men think they are doing something by flicking her clit with their tongue, but that is nothing but annoying. Also, don't concentrate on her clit for too long at a time. Teasing is best initially. Her clitoris is much like the head of your penis but even more sensitive.

Right at the base of her clit is the spot similar to your frenulum but much more sensitive. The length of area between the clit and vaginal opening is also sensitive and responds very well to pressure. Use your tongue (or your fingers if you refuse to go down on her) to stimulate these areas and bring her to orgasm. Gently suck and play with her clit with your tongue but concentrate mostly on the areas beneath it, and then go back to the clit.

When you're ready to make her cum, the way to suck on her clit is to encompass it with your lips and suck with your lips pursed as if drinking from a straw.

All the while, you will be driving her crazy, and she'll try to get away from you. But don't let her. Stay with her and make her scream. She will love every moment. During her actual orgasm, she will probably go quiet and won't make a sound, but don't stop until she pushes your head away. She will push you away after the orgasm because her clit will become too extremely sensitive to touch.

After you get comfortable doing this over time, you might want to play dirty sometimes and not let her push your head away. I had a boyfriend do this to me before. After many months of us making love and getting accustomed to each other's routines, I wasn't expecting that he wouldn't let me push him away this particular time. He kept sucking on me, and I kept trying to get rid of him. I started screaming at him (angrily) because I was too sensitive and couldn't bear it, but he kept at it and before I knew it, I was screaming in ecstasy within just a few short moments. It felt better than the first time and my second orgasm was a LOT stronger. After I came, we both started laughing. He was quite proud of himself for tricking me, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.”


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It sounds like your health is on the road to recovery, amen to that brother. 

Best wishes for you. 

Sounds like an awesome wife, and you're awesome to keep considering her possible needs.

Just keep on persevering with treatments and recovery and keep your wife in the loop of what you think are worries, she'll do the same, things will be a new normal for you both.

This really sounds like you're part of a caring relationship built on many components. Sex, although important, isn't the only component or cement that holds marriages together in trials and hardships.

You're doing great!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> Bottom line is that our sex life is now basically gone with little hope of returning to anything approaching normal.
> 
> My wife says she does not care about the lack of sex, that her major concern is to keep me alive and hopefully healthy one day.


While I do not have any experience for your exact situation, you can and should focus on nonsexual intimacy. This in my opinion will be like you have sexual super powers in your wife's perspective. For her it will be like extended foreplay. Even if traditional sexual intimacy is problematic, there are a lot of things you can do for one another. Being creative may actually make you each feel a little like teenagers again. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife has never truly wanted nor appreciated oral sex. Sort of a take it or leave it attitude.
> 
> Maybe I do it wrong. We were married very young and both had little experience. We sort of learned as we went along.
> 
> We had been married more than a year before either of use thought about trying oral. She initiated the first time - and truthfully it was a horrible and painful experience for me. But I kept quite for fear of hurting her feelings.


*But for as long as you enjoy performing oral on her, she shouldn't ever try to deprive you of the pleasure that you derive from it!

After all, sex is just as much about pleasuring your partner as it is about being pleasured by them! 

Sex was truly derived to be a gift of the heart! And that goes for both partners!*


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TDSC60 said:


> My wife has never truly wanted nor appreciated oral sex. Sort of a take it or leave it attitude.
> 
> Maybe I do it wrong. We were married very young and both had little experience. We sort of learned as we went along.
> 
> We had been married more than a year before either of use thought about trying oral. She initiated the first time - and truthfully it was a horrible and painful experience for me. *But I kept quite for fear of hurting her feelings.*


*
*

This is a mistake a lot of people make. It's similar to giving a kid the keys to the car and not teaching them how to drive. How did you expect her to know what to do or how it felt to you without feedback? The same can be said for her receiving oral. She has to be able to tell you what you're doing right and what you're doing wrong. And, what may be right for one person may be wrong for another. It's the process of getting to know your partner.

It's not too late to get to know one another. Good luck.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *It sounds like your health is on the road to recovery, amen to that brother.
> *
> Best wishes for you.
> 
> ...


Doctor says I need 3 months of healing after finishing radiation treatments then I go back for more tests.

He did says that 75% of men who undergo this treatment regimen are cancer free after 5 years.

When I asked specifically about the sexual side effects, he said they could be permanent or they could clear up in about 6 months.

Hoping for the best on all fronts.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

47 years of marriage? You've got the answers. You're just asking the wrong question in the wrong place.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

leon2100 said:


> 47 years of marriage? You've got the answers. You're just asking the wrong question in the wrong place.


This old dog can learn new tricks.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Sorry that you are going through this but BRAVO for your attitude and your long marriage. As others have mentioned, maybe now is the time to learn how to perform oral sex on your wife in a way that works for you both.
I would also suggest naked spooning or just cuddling. Running hands over bodies. Connecting. Unless it is stressful for you or her. (expectations)
What about toys?

There should be a nurse navigator or clinic contact who can refer you to a sexual counselling service. They are usually an integral part of the prostate cancer program, as it is a common side effect of treatment.

Also, check out the Movember website, google anything to do with prostate treatment and sexuality/intimacy. There is lots to learn. You are not alone in this journey. There are many resources waiting to help you


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> I am looking for anyone who has been through what I am facing and how they handled it.
> 
> Over the last three years our sex life has dwindled slowly to maybe once a month.
> 
> ...


So reading through this, I am not sure what you are looking for. You seem to have a good solid marriage. Just remember to show other forms of intimate love and caring. Kisses to the neck, hand, forehead, wherever. A caress at random. Cuddles while watching TV, or reading books together sunggled on the couch. And plenty of saying "I love you". Remember sex has nothing to do with marriage.

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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Update:

I went for what is called an "ultra sensitive PSA". Results were 0.01 which indicates no cancer detected. My wife actually laughed out loud and cheered a little. I was a bit surprised by her reaction since she has been quietly supportive throughout this process of diagnosis and treatment. I did not realized that it had affected her that much.

The bad news is that I have to take hormone injections (Lupron) for the next two years. I had been told previously that it was a testosterone suppressor. Since I was not sure exactly what that was I asked for an explanation.

The nurse who was there told us that it is basically a chemical castration. Still reeling from that. 

So cancer free for now.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

TDSC60 said:


> Update:
> 
> I went for what is called an "ultra sensitive PSA". Results were 0.01 which indicates no cancer detected. My wife actually laughed out loud and cheered a little. I was a bit surprised by her reaction since she has been quietly supportive throughout this process of diagnosis and treatment. I did not realized that it had affected her that much.
> 
> ...


So happy to hear that you're cancer free after the radiation therapy. Are you in a support group? It may help to join one just to give you an avenue to discuss the side effects of the Lupron.


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## Baldy (Jul 18, 2019)

Unfortunately I know what your going through. I had the radiation and still get the lupron. It hasn’t been a year yet. I also daily take another med that works with lupron. The ED has been a blow. I got the same future forecast you did, maybe things will come back and maybe not. We’re learning to have fun sex without the PIV. you can too. A lot of talk helps, and try to have fun trying new things. It has taken awhile to mentally deal with the ED, and I admit I’m not fully there yet. Good luck to both of us and any others dealing with this.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

TDSC60 said:


> ... The radiation is to kill the cancer and the drug therapy is an injection of Lupron every three months for the next three years. The doctor explained the side effect of both the radiation and drugs very specifically. ED is a major one as Lupron is a testosterone inhibitor. He said that testosterone with prostate cancer is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Also radiation basically interferes with the prostate's normal function related to sexual activity.
> 
> Bottom line is that our sex life is now basically gone with little hope of returning to anything approaching normal.
> 
> ...


 @TDSC60 at the risk of a little TMI, as you know my Dear Hubby passed away two years ago. Five years before that he was diagnosed with left ventricular hypertrophy heart failure (in layman's terms, the muscles of his left ventricle were getting thicker and stiffer...until finally his heart couldn't beat and only fluttered). As the heart failure progressed there was less and less that he could ... um DO in the bedroom without having a heart attack or whatnot. 

Our sex life was also gone with no hope of returning to anything approaching normal, so we decided together to ADJUST to his physical limitations. 

Please do your best to fill in some blanks, but I will just say that he could not exert without pain or passing out, yet I was in relatively okay health and could...exert. He also had some ED type issues as he was 59yo and had heart trouble, so circulation was non-existant. Soooo...we used alternatives to continue a loving physical relationship that didn't involve a hard on  

In mixed company I can say that we still kissed and touched and held hands and cuddled and held each other. We still used hands, fingers and mouths. We used toys but decided together which we were comfortable with and which we didn't like. We slowed down and enjoyed what we could enjoy slowly. We adjusted. 

So to me, our sex life didn't end--it just changed. We did what we could, and it was loving, and it was close, and it was good. With an attitude like your Mrs. has, I suspect you'll be okay too.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Lila said:


> So happy to hear that you're cancer free after the radiation therapy. Are you in a support group? It may help to join one just to give you an avenue to discuss the side effects of the Lupron.


I am now in a support group for cancer survivors set up by the hospital. Also in an exercise program set up by the oncology department. 

I know it is old fashion but I have not had the nerve to discuss sexual problems in a mixed company group setting.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> I am looking for anyone who has been through what I am facing and how they handled it.
> 
> Over the last three years our sex life has dwindled slowly to maybe once a month.
> 
> ...


There is a podcast called Touch of Flavor. It typically deals with kink and ethical non-monogamy. However there is a lot of good information that as easily applies to monogamous relationships as well.

In a recent Q&A episode, the issue of sex with ED was covered. Here's the link:

https://atouchofflavor.com/dirty-talk-soft-****s-and-jealous-partners/

Hopefully that will also provide some help.

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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

TDSC60 said:


> I am now in a support group for cancer survivors set up by the hospital. Also in an exercise program set up by the oncology department.
> 
> I know it is old fashion but I have not had the nerve to discuss sexual problems in a mixed company group setting.


Perfectly understandable. Is there a mens only group? What about online? The Movember website and many Prostate cancer websites have lots of helpful info and suggestions.


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