# Been a while…update



## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

Here is the background evidence, its all circumstantial:
porn addict
deletes history, uses private browsing on computer, deletes texts
Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality
Intercepted some texts between him and two female friends with very heavy flirting
Regular cialis use without regular intimacy with me

I had decided to move forward with separation and told him so. I could never get full evidence of infidelity but opted to move forward with separation due to the marital problems as a whole. He swore he didn't want a separation and would try harder. He made solid attempts for 2 weeks and then spent the past weekend acting like his old mean self. 

Looks like divorce is inevitable as his nasty disposition is truly hurting the children at this point. He says all the problems are me and he is at no fault. I confronted him about texts, porn and flirting-his response was that it was all no big deal and I was making mountains out of molehills. Refused marriage counseling.

He's been acting like I am the bad guy and this is all in my imagination and I am looking for problems. he says I am trying to believe he is cheating while he is completely innocent. He says when he gets nasty its because I roadblock all his attempts to parent (which I do because he is an unreasonable jerk toward the kids). He said if I divorce him he will fight for the kids and I won't get a red cent from him (which isn't what would really happen, but he's blowing a lot of steam trying to bully me.)

I actually almost fell for it and began to think all this was in my head and that I was going through some sort of mid life crisis. He had me believing this was my fault. I feel so dumb. I tried to do everything to make it work. NOw I have to go through with initiating a separation for the health and well being of myself and my children and its really scary confronting a narcissistic bully about all of this. Time to put on my big girl panties.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Yes it is time for you to put on your big girl panties. Don't feel dumb, you did what you thought was right. *Don't accept his blameshifting!* Its all on him. Of course he has to blame you because he simply cannot accept what he has done and continues to do. You tried to fix him and it didn't work. 

As you have experienced, he was never truly remorseful because his remorse did not last very long, did it? Only two weeks. That's fake remorse. You can tell how truly remorseful a WS is, they don't revert. This is why I tell BSs here to wait before jumping into R right away. The unremorseful WS cannot keep up their act for very long. Time always tells.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When you put on those big girl panties, take them to see an atty., and have your so called H SERVED----you need to file for D, your H needs to go to IC, before he can have any hope of sliding out of this---tell him his ONLY chance at avoiding D, is for him to go to IC

Your H is a BULLY and a COWARD---stop allowing him to continue to Bully you---file for your D.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

It has been hell. I am in IC and had gotten up the nerve to initiate the separation. I was so proud of myself that I got up the guts to do it. When I told him I wanted a separation he started in on the bullying and I caved. Now I have to go through it all over again-wish I'd stuck to my guns the first time. I married somebody that I never should have married and it's so hard getting out from under his mind games. I am ready to go back to him with with papers in hand this time.

And for the old posters that said to talk to him, give him a chance to explain, work on the marriage- All I did was give him the opportunity to take his acts more underground and spend more time telling me why all of this was in my head and he was right/I was wrong. For a normal human this may have been good advice, but when dealing with a narcissist, it only empowers them more.


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## meohme (Apr 2, 2014)

I feel like my story is similar to yours especially not being able to prove infidelity. I can't offer much advice but I will say that I agree with the previous posters. You will have to make the decision to move forward either way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

meohme said:


> I feel like my story is similar to yours especially not being able to prove infidelity. I can't offer much advice but I will say that I agree with the previous posters. You will have to make the decision to move forward either way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry you are in the same boat. I have to sink with the boat or swim to shore. Just keep swimming...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

cagedrat said:


> It has been hell. I am in IC and had gotten up the nerve to initiate the separation. I was so proud of myself that I got up the guts to do it. When I told him I wanted a separation he started in on the bullying and I caved. Now I have to go through it all over again-wish I'd stuck to my guns the first time. I married somebody that I never should have married and it's so hard getting out from under his mind games. I am ready to go back to him with with papers in hand this time.
> 
> And for the old posters that said to talk to him, give him a chance to explain, work on the marriage- All I did was give him the opportunity to take his acts more underground and spend more time telling me why all of this was in my head and he was right/I was wrong. For a normal human this may have been good advice, but when dealing with a narcissist, it only empowers them more.


We take advice and sometimes it makes sense to follow it, only to find out we went down the wrong road.

I remember on my last D-day (Feb 2013), as I was playing the VAR of my wife having sex with the XOM, my wife said, "Mac that is just music, are you cracking up, are you going nuts, do I have to take you to a hospital to have you admitted?", etc.

So yes the WS can make us question things if we allow them.

Move forward with your plans. Your gut is telling you there is more as well as the evidence that you found. Blameshifting to the max on his part.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

cagedrat said:


> It has been hell. I am in IC and had gotten up the nerve to initiate the separation. I was so proud of myself that I got up the guts to do it. When I told him I wanted a separation he started in on the bullying and I caved. Now I have to go through it all over again-wish I'd stuck to my guns the first time. I married somebody that I never should have married and it's so hard getting out from under his mind games. I am ready to go back to him with with papers in hand this time.
> 
> And for the old posters that said to talk to him, give him a chance to explain, work on the marriage- All I did was give him the opportunity to take his acts more underground and spend more time telling me why all of this was in my head and he was right/I was wrong. For a normal human this may have been good advice, but when dealing with a narcissist, it only empowers them more.


Look at it this way... You gave him that chance and he proved himself not being up to the task. So a divorce seems appropriate.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Moving forward seems like the right move. Can you move right to filing for D? Did you expose his EA,PA, Porn addiction to his family?

You should and get it done right away. You sound pretty sure he has had a PA so do not take any chances, get to a DR and get yourself checked out.

What are you doing for yourself? What are you doing to take care of yourself?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

cagedrat said:


> Here is the background evidence, its all circumstantial:
> porn addict
> deletes history, uses private browsing on computer, deletes texts
> Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality
> ...


 My husband tried to pull same bull on me. He said its all in your head? I also belived him. I got on antidepresant medication, just to deal with all the bull****. I took it for 3 months and decided I didnt need it because it wasnt me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Am I right to say you are being verbally abused---bullied---and he is playing mind games with you

IS THAT THE KIND OF PERSON ONE WOULD WANT TO BE MARRIED TO---if this same situation were brought to you by a friend of yours what advice would you give that friend

If you have no kids---get the he*l away from this jerk, separate IMMEDIATELY, file for your D---get to the bank, make sure your money goes into an acct with your name only on it---and all other dinero---should be also put in an acct. you have access to

Do not let this guy BULLY you one more day of your life---your days are precious to you----enuff IS enuff


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

It's amazing how convincing they can be. First he acted out, threatening to take kids and tell me I would have no money, that this separation would bankrupt us all, and a bunch of other threats that just aren't true. THEN he tried to turn it all on me like this was an emotional break down and he was the sane calm one and I was the one overreacting. He tried to make me feel like a crazy, emotional person with an overactive imagination. Then he FORGAVE me for acting like this and said we could move forward. By the end of the conversation he actually had ME believing I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG! Remarkable considering I am a secure educated woman who has been in IC for months preparing to have this talk AND HE STILL GOT THE UPPER HAND. I hate that I caved but I am now rebuilding the strength to try again. How are these guys so good at CONVINCING us of what we KNOW isn't true. Its pretty remarkable, really.

Luckily I have a great IC and support system. I have taken a full time job and have my own bank account now. I have a lawyer. All thats left is to get the nerve back up for attempt #2. 

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I am sorry of anyone facing this-a narcissistic husband is truly like no other.


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## cagedrat (Jan 12, 2014)

mahike said:


> Moving forward seems like the right move. Can you move right to filing for D? Did you expose his EA,PA, Porn addiction to his family?
> 
> You should and get it done right away. You sound pretty sure he has had a PA so do not take any chances, get to a DR and get yourself checked out.
> 
> What are you doing for yourself? What are you doing to take care of yourself?


I am running, got a great job, spend lots of time with my kids, have an amazing group of supportive friends, and have a counselor that has been a Godsend. 
to be honest, I have not exposed him to anyone. Since all I have is circumstantial stuff, it felt more like "gossiping" than "exposing". He hasn't got any family other than one sister, and we are close. I will tell her the whole story after I file for separation. We must be separated one year before divorce in our state since we have kids. He says he refuses to leave the house and so do I so I'm guessing we will be in the dreaded in-home separation for a while.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

cagedrat said:


> Here is the background evidence, its all circumstantial:
> porn addict
> deletes history, uses private browsing on computer, deletes texts
> Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde personality
> ...


There are excuses, though flimsy, for nearly all that list of behaviours, one at a time, but put them all together and add the last one, and you have certainty that he's having an affair. If you need proof, do the VAR in his car trick.

But even if he isn't, his reaction to your suspicions and his threats towards you prove that he's a lousy husband and a vicious man. These are reason enough to leave him.

Practice the separation speech with a friend, who pretends to bully you until you get good at standing your ground. Then go do the real thing.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Caged---your H is a manipulative bully---and HE IS NEVER GONNA CHANGE

Right now, he is doing everything he can to get you to back off on what will be the end for him------as if you get the D---YOU SHOULD BE GETTING----he will then be out there on his own, with no one to bully, and no one to take care of him, while he cheats. Stop wasting your precious days-----file for D, and go completely dark on the piece of whatever word you wanna use, that is your H

Stand up and be recognized


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

cagedrat said:


> It's amazing how convincing they can be. First he acted out, threatening to take kids and tell me I would have no money, that this separation would bankrupt us all, and a bunch of other threats that just aren't true. THEN he tried to turn it all on me like this was an emotional break down and he was the sane calm one and I was the one overreacting. He tried to make me feel like a crazy, emotional person with an overactive imagination. Then he FORGAVE me for acting like this and said we could move forward. By the end of the conversation he actually had ME believing I HAD DONE SOMETHING WRONG! Remarkable considering I am a secure educated woman who has been in IC for months preparing to have this talk AND HE STILL GOT THE UPPER HAND. I hate that I caved but I am now rebuilding the strength to try again. How are these guys so good at CONVINCING us of what we KNOW isn't true. Its pretty remarkable, really.
> 
> Luckily I have a great IC and support system. I have taken a full time job and have my own bank account now. I have a lawyer. All thats left is to get the nerve back up for attempt #2.
> 
> Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I am sorry of anyone facing this-a narcissistic husband is truly like no other.


This is what they do, hon. They turn everything around on you, make you think there is something wrong with you. I didnt know if I was coming or going. I didnt feel real, it was like living in a waking nightmare..


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