# What can a close friend do for comfort?



## Ode2Vendetta (Aug 28, 2010)

This is a really long story about a really very close friend of mine who's in a very difficult place right now. I would really, really appreciate your opinions and views. I need advice as well as enlightenment to help her get through this. Thank you very very much.

_A year ago a wife discovers accidentally that her husband has planned to meet his former girlfriend so that they can go bike riding together. Unfortunately, the plan didn't puch through because husband got confused and went to the wrong meeting location. So former gf called husband's house. Unfortunately, the wife answered the phone. Former gf asked if husband was home and wife said no he's not. Former gf then blabbered that they were supposed to meet and go bike riding together but he was a no show. Wife asked who was on the line and former gf said her name. Wife putting two and two together got a bit irked because she wasn't informed about such plans and wasn't informed that husband and former gf were even in communication with each other. Okay so wife decided to look if former gf was on facebook and lo and behold she was. Wife sent her a private message telling ex-gf that wife didn't know about her and husband's plans and wife frankly and honestly told ex-gf that because of this wife isn't really feeling very comfortable with the idea of ex-gf meeting husband and going out together. Ex-gf assures wife that there wasn't anything sly going on between them and that she and husband are only good friends and that she's only interested in husband intellectually. Wife still insisted that she isn't feeling comfortable or good about this idea. When husband came home wife confronted husband and of course husband adamantly denied that something fishy was going on. Said that ex-gf was only a very good friend and since wife cannot go bike riding with him he sort of invited ex-gf when they accidentally met days ago in some main street while she was riding her bike. Again wife told her husband that she isn't feeling comfortable or good about this idea but husband only assured her that there is nothing to worry about and such. Now fast forward after 1 year. Suffice it to say that the marriage wasn't really doing really good and was on the rocks. It's that period in time wherein one false move of each spouse might tilt the boat and capsize it to sink. However, both parties were trying very hard to make things work or so it seems. Wife for some reason one night decided to snoop around in husband's e-mails just because unfortunately husband forgot to lock his computer before leaving the house. Again for some unknown reason wife decided to search the name of ex-gf and lo and behold all e-mails exchanged between husband and ex-gf popped up. Wife discovered that ex-gf and husband continued meeting each other without the wife's knowledge. She read the e-mail of her husband a year ago telling ex-gf to not call by phone at the house anymore but instead use e-mails or chat messenger. More e-mails of ex-gf and husband asking each other if they're free that night and asking each other if they want to hang out with each other. Wife discovered that those many, many nights that she slept alone in their bed because husband has still not arrived home, husband was actually taking long walks with ex-gf from 12 midnight till 3 am sometimes even as late as 6 am. Wife didn't know anything about it, she thought husband was actually visiting his dad as he often did that (according to husband, that is). Husband often visited his father (who has cancer) and they would watch shows and movies together and husband would be arriving home really, really late at night or early in the morning. Anyway, she read e-mails upon e-mails and chat logs of husband and ex-gf setting time to meet whihc is often husband going to ex-gf's place which is a 15 to 19 minutes walk from where he lived. Wife even read an e-mail where husband asked ex-gf to bring a lighter for smoking weed. So wife again sent an e-mail to ex-gf and told her what she discovered. She also again confronted her husband about it. Both of them again denied that something malicious was going on between them. Wife couldn't take the dishonesty and was really emotionally distraught by that time that she asked her husband to chose between her and ex-gf. Husband said that there was nothing to chose since he wasn't doing anything wrong and that they are innocent and just close friends. Wife asked ex-gf to back off but ex-gf said that she can't because wife's husband is her bestfriend and what wife is suggesting to her is to not see her bestfriend anymore. I guess it was the final straw...the final nail on the coffin...so wife asked her husband to move out of the house since he seems to be refusing to lay off the ex-gf as the wife requested and even the ex-gf was refusing as well. Husband had refused to moved out immediately stating that he has nowhere to go, wife pointed out that he has a father to go to, or a mother or a sister where he could crash in for awhile until he finds a new place to live in. Husband still refused to move out (he has been unemployed for almost a year that period in time being that it's the wife who has the regular job and paying everything). Emotionally distraught wife (but have been trying to be very calm) at this point in time finally exploded and let out all her rage that caused a fight to ensue which became really ugly and needed the neighbours to call 911. Story ended with husband kicked out of the house with police intervention and thus separation. Wife is left so depressed, feeling so much guilt and blaming herself while husband unto this day (3 months after separation) continues to accompany ex-gf everywhere all over the city, doing activities together with no guilt whatsoever as they both still maintain that they were not doing anything wrong and that husband had been faithful and monogamous for the 10 years that him and his wife had been together._

Question: Should the wife be blamed for her violent reaction which caused the destruction of her marriage? What could she have done differently in that situation and do you think that would have saved her marriage? If you were the wife's close friend what would you have said to her to provide her a bit of comfort and to help her get through her misery?


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