# weight gain and intimacy issues



## sunshinek9 (Jan 19, 2015)

My husband and I have only been married a little over a couple of years. Over the past 4 to 5 years we have been together our intimacy has been often and wonderful. Unfortunately shortly after getting married I unexpectedly hit early menopause and have gained over 60lbs. in the last year. This means I have gone from a size 4 to a size 14, which is very distressing for me. My appetite has not increased but my metabolism has decreased. This has been very frustrating for me. I have seen my doc on many occasions and finally have been prescribed the combi patch. Also we joined the YMCA and go at least 3 to 4 time a week. I have cut out all sweet right away. Now I am also making a lot of effort to only eat healthy foods and smaller portions. But there has been no positive results over the last couple of months. My husband has also gained over 40lbs. However he hasn't altered his eating habits or increased his exercise at all. Even though I have hit menopause my libido has not been lost. On the other hand my husband has lost interest and sometimes the ability to be intimate with me. We saw the doc and he was prescribed viagara over a week ago. At first I thought this would help but my husband has shown no interest in using the little blue pill or in me. Believe me I do realize I am not particularly attractive right now but I am really working on it. I do worry he may be interested or attracted to someone else. I can not rule out the possibility of an affair but have no confirmation this is the case. I don't care about his weight gain other than the health complications that come with it. As far as I am concerned he is still the handsome sexy man I fell in love with. I am not sure he feels the same though. Does anyone have any experience with these kind of issues or any advice for me? I have tried several time to discuss these issues with my husband and I can tell it is an uncomfortable subject for him. He has stated he still love me and that I am still beautiful to him. He says it is just him but he still desires me. What can I do or say to find out what is the real issue is behind our lack of intimacy? This is really heartbreaking and I miss being intimate with my husband. He is the love of my life! Please help me understand.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

sunshinek9 said:


> My husband and I have only been married a little over a couple of years. Over the past 4 to 5 years we have been together our intimacy has been often and wonderful. Unfortunately shortly after getting married I unexpectedly hit early menopause and have gained over 60lbs. in the last year. This means I have gone from a size 4 to a size 14, which is very distressing for me. My appetite has not increased but my metabolism has decreased. This has been very frustrating for me. I have seen my doc on many occasions and finally have been prescribed the combi patch. Also we joined the YMCA and go at least 3 to 4 time a week. I have cut out all sweet right away. Now I am also making a lot of effort to only eat healthy foods and smaller portions. But there has been no positive results over the last couple of months. My husband has also gained over 40lbs. However he hasn't altered his eating habits or increased his exercise at all. Even though I have hit menopause my libido has not been lost. On the other hand my husband has lost interest and sometimes the ability to be intimate with me. We saw the doc and he was prescribed viagara over a week ago. At first I thought this would help but my husband has shown no interest in using the little blue pill or in me. Believe me I do realize I am not particularly attractive right now but I am really working on it. I do worry he may be interested or attracted to someone else. I can not rule out the possibility of an affair but have no confirmation this is the case. I don't care about his weight gain other than the health complications that come with it. As far as I am concerned he is still the handsome sexy man I fell in love with. I am not sure he feels the same though. Does anyone have any experience with these kind of issues or any advice for me? I have tried several time to discuss these issues with my husband and I can tell it is an uncomfortable subject for him. He has stated he still love me and that I am still beautiful to him. He says it is just him but he still desires me. What can I do or say to find out what is the real issue is behind our lack of intimacy? This is really heartbreaking and I miss being intimate with my husband. He is the love of my life! Please help me understand.


I'm sorry that you are going through this.  It would be a little strange for him to have lost desire for you when he has gained weight himself. And he is not concerned about his own weight. You are still not that big at a size 14. There is no way to make him talk if he does not want to. Let him know that this is important to you and you can't live without a healthy sex life. It's not fair to you. 

Maybe there is something else going on with him. It may not have anything to do with you. I definitely think you should continue working on being healthy but if you are so anxious about your weight and translate it as your husband won't want you anymore you will just sabatoge yourself. You need to make any changes you want to make for yourself.


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## sunshinek9 (Jan 19, 2015)

Thank you for your input. I agree with all you stated. My biggest concern at this point is both of our health. Perhaps if I focus on getting healthy everything else will fall into place. If not then we will have to have a little deeper conversation. He is a wonderful sexy man and I would never do anything to demean him in any way.


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## tobewise (Jan 7, 2015)

So sorry you are going through this because I know how it feels. My husband and I have been in a sexless marriage for about 8 years now. There are a lot of reasons our relationship got to the point it did so I'll just add my 2 cents without going into too much detail.

I have a couple of suggestions that may help: 

One is just understanding that a lot of men are hardwired to attraction with their eyes. I'm also overweight (about 150 pounds overweight due to medications), so it helped me understand that it wasn't "personal" even though it felt very personal at the time. He told me how much he loved me and that even though I was beautiful he wasn't attracted because of the weight. I've been working at this for a while and have seen some significant changes to my body, my confidence and mood.

If you are focusing on health, maybe you guys could take a walk in the park or do some type of sport together (bowling, tennis, etc.). Just make it fun and it will be easier to stick with. Maybe trying some new healthier recipes would be nice.

If you decide to have that "conversation" it could backfire. Whenever I would bring the subject up with DH it always made him feel inadequate which would set us back. I had to step back and think about his needs too. Like I said we had a lot of other "history" and hurts from the past so this only added fuel to the fire. It gave the impression that I wanted to take something from him and was unwilling to give back. That's not to invalidate your needs, because you have every right to feel the way you do. Just phrase it in a way that tells him how much you love him and want to be close to him while considering his needs. Discuss how you can work together towards a resolution.

Intimacy doesn't have to mean sex. It can be holding hands, an extra long kiss, stroking each other's back, saying I love you, etc. If he's not able to do these thing there may be something deeper going on with him or your relationship. DH and I have just started getting back to these simple things after 8 years and I can tell now how much he wants us things get back to normal.

Try to realize that you can't "force" anyone to feel or behave the way you want them to. Nagging will not help but will make things worse in my opinion (been there). One thing that I realized eventually is that my husband wanted me to be happy. That made him very happy. Whenever I told him I was unhappy about our sex life, it would hurt him to the core.

Do nice things for him and let him know you appreciate him when he does nice things for you. Men show their love differently from women and knowing their "love language" is helpful also. There are a lot of books out there on the subject. I liked men are from mars women are from venus.

Anyway, sorry for the long post.....just wanted to share my experiences and observations because I know how frustrating it is. Hoping that it helps in some small way....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is hard . I'm a size 8 and my SO really thinks I need to lose weight. It's been a constant in our relationship. He still desires sex (when we're not having other issues like we are having now), but unless I weight about 125 pounds, he thinks I'm overweight . I'm 5'5". 

Anyway....have you had your thryoid checked??


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Sunshinek9, so sorry you are going through this. Weight is such a sensitive issue. I wonder if your husband is depressed. Maybe he is having self esteem issues about his weight, which can definitely affect intimacy. 

In my case, my H has gained weight mostly due to his chronic illness. He feels very sensitive about it since when we met and married he was slim and working out regularly before the chronic health problem, although he's always had to fight a tendency toward weight problems. We have a sexless marriage, going on many years. It's complicated: the weight, our emotional issues, some issues on my part. 

I agree with another poster about trying to regain some nonsexual intimacy, expressing affection and appreciation and togetherness. Hugging my husband and telling him how great he is does wonders for his self esteem. We have foot rubs a few times a week. 

We have had so many issues over the years and there is a lot of distance between us, plus due to his chronic illness he sleeps an awful lot so I am alone. We have a weekly "staff meeting" when we discuss everything. No anger, no arguing, no bickering in between times. We set aside a weekly block of time and calmly discuss anything and everything. I hope you have a system in place to communicate openly.

Good luck. It can be very hard. Who ever thinks that such difficult issues will come up in their marriage? We all walk down the aisle with stars in our eyes thinking ours will be the golden one, the magical one. Reality check. Hope things get better for you. It's a constant effort, but it's worth it when things improve even a little.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

If you are worrying that your weight is the issue, then you need to lose it for you not him. The focus should be on how you feel and how to change it. I lost 35lbs 2 years ago. Then they put me on medication for something and I gained 40lbs. Emotionally I feel fine about myself. I miss when I weighed less only bc its easier to shop when you weigh less. If this a health issue def. keep in contact with our physician.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Pooh Bear said:


> It would be a little strange for him to have lost desire for you when he has gained weight himself.


Not true. You don't understand how men think, that much is clear.




sunshinek9 said:


> Does anyone have any experience with these kind of issues or any advice for me?


Well, you asked...



sunshinek9 said:


> What can I do or say to find out what is the real issue is behind our lack of intimacy?


There's nothing you can say, because he's not being honest with you.



sunshinek9 said:


> He has stated he still love me and that I am still beautiful to him. He says it is just him but he still desires me.


He's lying. Well maybe he still loves you but the rest.. his actions speak volumes, his words are meaningless. 

There are some things you can do however. You need to lose the weight. That's going to require a change in how you think and what you do.



sunshinek9 said:


> unexpectedly hit early menopause and have gained over 60lbs. in the last year.


First, stop blaming the menopause, or your metabolism, or any other "uncontrollable factors". Because it's simply not true. If you consume more calories than you burn, then you get fat. And of course, the reverse is true as well. 



sunshinek9 said:


> we joined the YMCA and go at least 3 to 4 time a week. I have cut out all sweet right away.


Go more often. Stay longer. Get a personal trainer and do exercises that burn fat. 



sunshinek9 said:


> Now I am also making a lot of effort to only eat healthy foods and smaller portions.


Make more of an effort. Make the portions even smaller. Being hungry never killed anyone. Well, within reason. 



sunshinek9 said:


> sunshinek9 said:
> 
> 
> > Believe me I do realize I am not particularly attractive right now but I am really working on it. I do worry he may be interested or attracted to someone else.
> ...


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

intheory said:


> Yes, it is very strange to gain a bunch of weight; still find yourself attractive enough; but insist that your spouse lose their excess weight


It's not strange at all. It's applying a double standard, one for yourself and one for others, and it's hypocritical but it's not strange.


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