# I’m so lost



## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 7. We had a baby during highschool and then he joined the military right after, and during that time we had another baby. We’ve moved around for the last 6 years (4 in the military &2 by my family states away from his) and now we are finally back by his family and although we don’t have a perfect marriage, we had a pretty dang good one. When we lived out of state he did leave me for 3-4 days when we got into a really big fight and came back to his home town. He did come back and we decided to work on things. Once I knew that it was hard on him to live states away from his family near mine, I immediately switched our lives around so we can move back here in our hometown where his family was. Fast forward to January of 2022 he said that he wasn’t happy with me and wanted a divorce again but we talked through it and moved on with our lives. Well we started not getting along like really bad not fighting just getting annoyed at each other and every time I tried talking through it we would get into a huge fight, even when I would admit my wrongs and explained my feelings. Well he decided to move in with his brother about 2 weeks ago and since then he has been watching the kids while I work (I’m a evening waitress) and taking them Friday&Saturday night. I am not doing okay, we have tried having conversations about what we both need to move forward but he continues to want space. And I don’t. I know we can work through it like we always do. I’ve started reading books about separating and coping with it but I can’t stop crying and being sad all the time. I’m starting to feel like I’m going to hate him for this. I’m going to resent him for feeling like we need this. I feel like when he is ready I’m not gonna be in the right head space. I feel like we will never be able to go back to our normal selves because he officially cut off communication with me and only talks to me about the kids. And I’m dying inside. I feel depressed and worthless and alone. I’m so scared and confused on what to do. And honestly typing all of this just makes me cry and even if no one comments or anything it felt really good just getting this all out. I’m sorry for the long read but I just don’t know what to do.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> My husband and I have been together for 13 years and married for 7. We had a baby during highschool and then he joined the military right after, and during that time we had another baby. We’ve moved around for the last 6 years (4 in the military &2 by my family states away from his) and now we are finally back by his family and although we don’t have a perfect marriage, we had a pretty dang good one. When we lived out of state he did leave me for 3-4 days when we got into a really big fight and came back to his home town. He did come back and we decided to work on things. Once I knew that it was hard on him to live states away from his family near mine, I immediately switched our lives around so we can move back here in our hometown where his family was. *Fast forward to January of 2022 he said that he wasn’t happy with me and wanted a divorce again but we talked through it and moved on with our lives. *Well we started not getting along like really bad not fighting just getting annoyed at each other and every time I tried talking through it we would get into a huge fight, even when I would admit my wrongs and explained my feelings. Well he decided to move in with his brother about 2 weeks ago and since then he has been watching the kids while I work (I’m a evening waitress) and taking them Friday&Saturday night. I am not doing okay, we have tried having conversations about what we both need to move forward but he continues to want space. And I don’t. I know we can work through it like we always do. I’ve started reading books about separating and coping with it but I can’t stop crying and being sad all the time. I’m starting to feel like I’m going to hate him for this. I’m going to resent him for feeling like we need this. I feel like when he is ready I’m not gonna be in the right head space. I feel like we will never be able to go back to our normal selves because he officially cut off communication with me and only talks to me about the kids. And I’m dying inside. I feel depressed and worthless and alone. I’m so scared and confused on what to do. And honestly typing all of this just makes me cry and even if no one comments or anything it felt really good just getting this all out. I’m sorry for the long read but I just don’t know what to do.


I'm sorry you're going through this. 

What is he so unhappy about?

You said you "talked through it and moved on with your lives", what does that mean? What was done to change, resolve, or fix the marital and/or individual issues? Or did you just sweep the issues under the rug (which is the vibe I'm getting from that sentence)?


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this.
> 
> What is he so unhappy about?
> 
> You said you "talked through it and moved on with your lives", what does that mean? What was done to change, resolve, or fix the marital and/or individual issues? Or did you just sweep the issues under the rug (which is the vibe I'm getting from that sentence)?


We spent a lot of time understanding what the problems were with each other and what made us blow up so bad. We tend to sweep small problems under the rug that sometimes blows up in our face unfortunately. But in that case that wasn’t the situation. And maybe that’s why he’s so unhappy, I don’t know. I don’t know a lot of things that are going through his head right now and all I have always wanted to do was help him I have always tried my hardest to help him. I just don’t know how I can do that for him anymore because he won’t let me.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

You are being a bit vague so if you want some helpful advice, you need to provide some details. 
What was the big fight about when you came back to his home town?
Why was he not happy with you in January?
What happened that drove him to move in with his brother?
You go on and on about your feelings. Your feelings will mess you up. Do you do this when you are trying to have a conversation with him? That may be one reason he wants some space. Guys don't deal well with feelings. They work better with facts.


MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> We spent a lot of time understanding what the problems were with each other and what made us blow up so bad.


What were those problems?


MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> I have always tried my hardest to help him. I just don’t know how I can do that for him anymore because he won’t let me.


What have you tried to help him with and how have you tried to help him? What you see as trying to help, he may see as interference.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

There's nothing you can do. It's not about you. You had a kid when you were kids. Then you followed him in the military. He feels smothered & trapped. He's got GIGs & wants to go explore what he thinks he was denied by becoming parents so young. 

All you can do is build your life, without him. Since you are back in your hometown, even if you don't have your family, you have to have some support here. Figure out how to be a single mom. Do things to make you happy but assume your married life is over. 

Sorry.


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> You are being a bit vague so if you want some helpful advice, you need to provide some details.
> What was the big fight about when you came back to his home town?
> Why was he not happy with you in January?
> What happened that drove him to move in with his brother?
> ...


When we lived by my family he wasn’t working and he was just doing schooling because of the benefit of being in the military he got paid while in school. Well he wouldn’t ACTUALLY do his school work and I would have to tell him over and over and over again to do his school work or I would do it with him or I would just straight up do it. And one day he had an assignment due at midnight and I came home from work and he was playing his video games and I was really tired so I took a nap, well when I woke up from my nap at 11:00 pm he was still playing his video game and didn’t do his assignment so I unplugged the Wi-Fi so he would stop playing his game and he blew up and he left! And he was gone for about 3-4 days and when he was gone we talked a little here and there and then the day he decided to come back we both set expectations and we did a really good job meeting them. But he would keep telling me how he didn’t have anyone and he didn’t have any support living where we were and that was causing him to be so unhappy and acting the way he was. So literally 6 months later we moved back here. I want him to be happy. In January he got Covid and so did both of my kids, I already had Covid two months before but I still got pretty sick too, so I was couch bound as well but he feels I didn’t help him enough and he felt that I pretty much just left him there to be sick. Which I could of forsure helped him more, I was so worried about me not feeling good I didn’t want to get up I was still trying to work too so I was napping and trying to get myself better for that reason. I did make him soup and bring him water and tried getting him things he needed. But I know I could have done more. But he started saying all these things to other people and telling our close friends that he wanted a divorce. But once we talked about that and I took accountability for my wrongs and I told him I’m gonna do whatever I need to do so that we can make this work we were good. Probably middle of February early March I started changing things around, I started going to a therapist I started changing my every day life started a planner, started budgeting, meditating so I could release my anxiety not on him, a chore chart, I mean I really started getting our lives together. But it just wasn’t enough, everyone else was seeing these changes except him and we would get into a bickering fight and then wake up like everything was fine and then start bickering again and then wake up like everything was fine. A few days before he moved out he was talking about going to stay with a friend for a couple days just to clear his mind he needed some space. Well then we had friends coming in from out of town and we just had to pretend for the weekend but there was a time or two where I wasn’t being as nice as I could have been which I recognize and honestly regret it wasn’t fair and it was really stupid he wouldn’t let me listen to a song and I got mad (seriously so dumb I know) but it didn’t help our situation at all. They left we talked about it he said he needed space again and I asked where he’s gonna stay and then I was angry because he wanted to go stay with his brother with no expiration date meaning he needed more then a few days and I just said if your leaving take all your stuff. I was just mad. Like why do you need to get away from me for that long. We’ve been married for 7 years and together for even longer. We are all each other knows. I was so confident that he would be lost without me, it’s just really showing that it’s the other way around. I’m really just having a hard time.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are his wife -- soon to be EX-W. You can't be doing his school work for him. 

You admit you are all each other knows. That is the source of your fear. Change is scary & it's tough. It's understandable that you are having a hard time. Just because leaving this man child who doesn't love you any more is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't do it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Don’t get me wrong not taking school work seriously is really bad. You haven’t come right out and said it but I have a question.

Were you the over controlling smothering type? Is that why you had to work on yourself?


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Don’t get me wrong not taking school work seriously is really bad. You haven’t come right out and said it but I have a question.
> 
> Were you the over controlling smothering type? Is that why you had to work on yourself?


He chose his degree, it’s what he wanted to do and I wanted to do everything I could to help him get there. He claimed the school work was hard so helped him, but when I wasn’t helping him or doing it, he wasn’t doing it. He wasn’t meeting deadlines and he wasn’t checking deadlines. Sure it looks and sounds controlling but all in all my goal was to help him succeed


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Don’t get me wrong not taking school work seriously is really bad. You haven’t come right out and said it but I have a question.
> 
> Were you the over controlling smothering type? Is that why you had to work on yourself?


I have really bad anxiety it takes over my life, I’m just a very very anxious person. That’s why I started getting help because my anxiety would get in the way of many things. And I knew that if I can’t get it under control I would lose a lot in my life. The change isn’t happening quick enough and I’m losing literally my life, my husband, my actual best friend.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> He chose his degree, it’s what he wanted to do and I wanted to do everything I could to help him get there. He claimed the school work was hard so helped him, but when I wasn’t helping him or doing it, he wasn’t doing it. He wasn’t meeting deadlines and he wasn’t checking deadlines. Sure it looks and sounds controlling but all in all my goal was to help him succeed


You weren't helping him though... You were mothering him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> He chose his degree, it’s what he wanted to do and I wanted to do everything I could to help him get there. He claimed the school work was hard so helped him, but when I wasn’t helping him or doing it, he wasn’t doing it. He wasn’t meeting deadlines and he wasn’t checking deadlines. Sure it looks and sounds controlling but all in all my goal was to help him succeed


I can see your point on that. It is definitely important and a waste of money and negative future impact if he isn’t taking care of it


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> I have really bad anxiety it takes over my life, I’m just a very very anxious person. That’s why I started getting help because my anxiety would get in the way of many things. And I knew that if I can’t get it under control I would lose a lot in my life. The change isn’t happening quick enough and I’m losing literally my life, my husband, my actual best friend.


My mom was like that and I have to say that is is a mental chore to be around people like that. They suck the happiness right out of you and you end up feeling like you are dancing around their issues all day long. Like a black hole ….

I couldn’t wait to get as far away from that as possible…… and that’s exactly what I did.

If he is asking for space I very much recommend you give it to him. In his mind the last thing he wants is to be involved in your mental space again.


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> My mom was like that and I have to say that is is a mental chore to be around people like that. They suck the happiness right out of you and you end up feeling like you are dancing around their issues all day long. Like a black hole ….
> 
> I couldn’t wait to get as far away from that as possible…… and that’s exactly what I did.
> 
> If he is asking for space I very much recommend you give it to him. In his mind the last thing he wants is to be involved in your mental space again.


I get what your saying, I mean I can totally see how people would think that being around me. But I just don’t know what to do to get out of this. I want to be better for all of the relationships I have and I’m trying and I have found ways to eliminate the anxiety out of me in certain situations by meditating. I would understand him wanting more space from me if I wasn’t trying and I just kept sucking him back in to my black hole but like I’m actually trying. So I’m just stuck. When I’m with him I see reason for a change and that’s why I started seeking help. For a better me and a better wife.


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## MommaOfTwo7868 (10 mo ago)

bobert said:


> You weren't helping him though... You were mothering him.


I can see how that comes across but that wasn’t my intention. My intention was helping him succeed with his degree.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Cut him off completely. Go no contact except for logistics about the kids. Work on building your own life. Show him what he'll miss.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Helping him succeed with his degree may have been your intention but you were doing the work for him. You may have earned the degree he was supposed to be working on but he certainly wouldn’t have. He’s lazy or over his head or both. You jumping in to save him from himself isn’t the right message.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

As a man, I can tell you: YOU never were it for him. He just settled for you because as he grew older, matured, he just didn't have the guts to leave you. Contrary to you, as he has getting older he realizes that he wants out, different, something else. He jus hasn't have the balls to do it.

That's my take. It happens all the time. One of the main reasons of relationship failures. You're more vested into this relationship than he will ever be, even if he eventually stays with you.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MommaOfTwo7868 said:


> I get what your saying, I mean I can totally see how people would think that being around me. But I just don’t know what to do to get out of this. I want to be better for all of the relationships I have and I’m trying and I have found ways to eliminate the anxiety out of me in certain situations by meditating. I would understand him wanting more space from me if I wasn’t trying and I just kept sucking him back in to my black hole but like I’m actually trying. So I’m just stuck. When I’m with him I see reason for a change and that’s why I started seeking help. For a better me and a better wife.


I think there are a few ways to eliminate anxiety. first of all figure out what you are really afraid of. So folks will say, i am afraid to speak in front of crowds, but if you break that down what they are afraid of is embarrassing themselves in front of that crowd. If you brake it down further they are afraid of doing something to make them look bad and isolate themselves away from the crowd. But is all that going to happen from speaking in front of a crowd, even if you mess up? So maybe it's not as bad as you think. 

I would work on playing out the scenarios in your head and where they would go.

The other way to get over anxiety is with exposure. You can do that slowly so it gets easier to handle. So continuing with my crowd scenario you might ask a relative stranger if you could give part of the speech you are going to make. Then give the speech to a small group of friends. The point is get familiar with is so it's not so overwhelming.


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