# Coping with sporadic sex life



## Need2talknow (Sep 20, 2011)

Hello, 

First of all thank you to anyone who is reading this, I appreciate your attention and your responses,

I think I'm too proud to talk about my problems with friends or loved ones but am at a point in my life now where I feel a need to talk. My bad sex life is starting to contaminate too many other parts of my life and I'm becoming weary, exhausted of by the burden I bear in silence.

I have been lurking here for a long time but this is my first post.

My wife and I have been married for a little over a year now but living together as a couple for over 5 years. Perhaps I should have left her a long time ago because even in the begining we would go through weird dry spells. Example we would have sex as often as 5-10 per week for a month or two, and then perhaps not have sex for a month! Yet because of the good times and the fact that in pretty much every other aspect of our relationship things have always gone very well, I never called it off.

During the dry spells I would let her know that it bothered me tremendously and that I needed a little more just in order to remain sane. She would sometimes be open to discussion and say she's sorry, that I'm right and that she would work on it... and then other times she didn't really seem to care (in the middle of a discussion roll on to her side and fall asleep, _like right now!_) Sometimes she would say things that would indicate to me that at the very least she is conscious of what would make me happy, ex (sounds silly but illustrate well what I mean): say 'I know what you would like for your birthday: a BJ, and wink wink, smile smile... but then hard to believe: not once in my entire life have I had a BJ or any sex for that matter on my birthday...ever... not x-mas either...

The problem now I believe is that the dry spells are becoming longer and the good parts are becoming shorter. In the past month we've had sex maybe 4 times, and I've been turned down maybe 15 times.

Now I find myself, at work, staring off into space wondering if perhaps I'll ever be able to have something better and consistent for a sex life, and by rebound, a better life in general. I have a very high libido and to be 'happy' would need sex at the very east every other day (which I don't think is THAT much to ask for). I find myself driving to work, drifting off into space thinking 'better deal with it, you will never be happy'. I've felt really bummed out at odd moments when I'm not even thinking too much about it, where I've had to isolate myself a few minutes and take a few deep breaths to get ahold of myself because I realize I'm thinking about it. Friends and colleagues have been asking me more and more often if I'm okay... and I guess things could be worse, but they could be better also.

In the past when we would be going through dry spells, my wife would sometimes give me a BJ, which was fine by me. More than fine, I was extremely happy with this arrangement. But now I can't even remember the last time she gave me a BJ, probably somewhere between 9-12 months ago.. and she stopped half way... another time maybe 6 months before that... stopped half way. When maybe a couple of years ago she would give me a BJ every three or four days if she saw that she just wasn't in the mood for sex and that I was starting to get a little too backed up.

In the past she'd wake me up in the middle of the night to have sex, or I'd come home from work only to find her naked in bed waiting for me.... it's been a very long time since that happened last.

Presently I would say that I'm probably somewhat depressed most of the time. I've come to a conclusion that having a satisfactory sex life is perhaps not in my cards... Do I leave my wife and see my kids grow up in a broken family? In order that I MIGHT have a decent sex life (is that selfish)? Or do I endure for the sake of my daughters? Or perhaps find another woman who would like to share some intimacy but not a relationship (and run the risk that one of us, if not both, fall in love)?

The more I think about it the weirder it all becomes. You see, when we first met my wife she was not a very happy person. I helped her out much much more than I could ever get into... Especially since she wouldn't appreciate me talking about it... Today she is a much happier person, and she credits me for it! I continue to do a great deal for her in general, and she says I'm a great husband and a great guy and even says things like 'you only stay with me because you haven't yet found a girl who is as great a person as you are!' I really do feel I do a great deal for her. People have told me that I carry much more than my load around the house, with the kids, etc... I also really do treat her very well (you know massages, dates, listen to her....) 

Now, I swear I'm not making any of this up. The worst part is that in order to try and prevent her from feeling guilty (which certainly wouldn't help our sex life) I don't tell her how bad things are for me right now... Wait...Actually, I did tell her once and I got a terrible/weird response..... I still haven't really wrapped my head around that yet so I won't get too much into it, it left me wondering if she really cared at all about me or not...

I pretty much always initiate sex and would say that 75% of the time she seems to convince herself to start, but once things get going she genuinely seems enjoy herself and be fullfilled. Although maybe 2 or 3 % of the time she seems to just go into inflatable doll-mode and sort of seems to just be waiting for me to finish so she can go to sleep. She says I'm a great lover and she really appreciates sex with me. I'm in much better shape than average (physical exercise maybe 12-15 hours per week.) I have very decent hygiene, and would say am an overall good looking guy based on the amount of women who flirt with me.

What I've come to understand is that her libido is EXTREMELY depent upon her stress level... but she will stress over just about anything. She has even told me something pretty similar to that affect. I responded with something like 'well we have a slight problem, seeing as how _living_ is a stress...' She gave me a sad smile and nod...

Sometimes I think maybe I do too much for her and think I'm not manning up, but when I look around me I'd say I don't know many men who take charge in their relationship as much as I do... In general I don't let her walk all over me and yet take pride is doing a lot for her. Being a good husband to her gives me something to be proud of. I am very flattered when she tells people I'm a much better husband than she is a wife... even though I will of course then argue about the point with her and try and convince her she is a great wife. Which isn't completely false either seeing as how aside from the sex pretty much everything else is perfect!

Very few solutions present themselves at this moment:

Masturbating while staring at the bathroom wall is becoming not only boring but depressing. I can't help but be reminded that when I was younger I didn't expect to masturbate every other day while staring at a bathroom wall, while my hot wife sleeps in bed.

Unfortunately I have a hard time discussing everything with her because she doesn't seem to want to discuss or change anything. Actually, I have discussed it, and she has often promised change, but has never really put any effort into it. Things would change for a week, maybe two, then back into the rut. So I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up ever talking to her about it again... which leaves me wondering...

Do I stay with her for the kids? My daughter are really the only reason she doesn't suspect that I may be a little bit in a depression. Whenever I'm around her, I am also around my daughters, and they really bring me a great deal of joy and are the reason why I do everything. I really love them a great deal and wouldn't want to contaminate their lives with all this. So to her, most of the day I must look pretty happy... until the little ones are asleep. Then I'll want to have sex, she won't... 

I have a few female friends who would be pretty happy to have sex occasionally without the intention of developping a relationship... and my wife has even told me she wouldn't leave me if I cheated. She's said that: in a way she would understand. However I wouldn't want this to drive a wedge between us and then ruin everything else and have an impact on the girls.

Do I just hope that at some point things get better?? I've thought about asking a doctor for hormones to reduce my libido... Is this possible? What should I do? Go see a therapist together? Could it help? The only thing I know is that I can't maintain things the way they are because my depression is getting to be too much... I know I have to be proactive now...

...oddly enough when we don't have sex regularly I can tell it affect her almost as much as me. Even she has noticed this, and commented on it, and yet fails to act on it. 

Thanks for your ears/_(eyes)_ and your time.
(wow that was really long!)


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Need2talknow said:


> Presently I would say that I'm probably somewhat depressed most of the time.


This.

You need to get a handle on this, because someone who is always down is not going to be an attractive person to their spouse or anyone else.

What are you doing for yourself? You do have control over your own life and happiness. If your wife is willing to come along for the ride, all the better. Each person is really responsible for their own happiness. Another person cannot make you happy - you have control over your own emotions. So it's going to have to start with you - within yourself. 

"_If you want to be happy, be_." ~Leo Tolstoy

You said that you read the 'manning up' sticky. Does it resonate with you? Surely, a man who is confident in himself and his surroundings, who is motivated, engaged and engaging, who is compassionate, who is the master of his own destiny is an appealing, attractive man to women. Are you those things? Are you attractive to your wife? Do you know what she finds attractive?

What are your wife's thoughts in all of this? How willing is she to work on it? Have you two ever thought of going to marriage counselling?

And lastly, wanting to have a sex life, wanting to have intimacy with your spouse is not selfish. It's normal - it's a big part of marriage - that which distinguishes marriage from any other relationships that we have.

But, I would highly recommend that you don't go down the cheating path - with or without your wife's blessing. That will only result in more problems than you can count - it is a WEAK action, not a strong one. Be a STRONG man and do the honourable thing - letting go of the marriage before you would engage in that kind of behaviour.

God Bless.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Need2talknow said:


> My bad sex life is starting to contaminate too many other parts of my life


Ive come to realize, in my relationship, that its the bad in the other parts of your marriage which contaminate your sex life.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You need to tell her how you are really feeling.. REALLY. You need to tell her.

Don't go down the cheating path. It will end up being one big mess, even if your wife agrees to it.

IMHO Never stay for the children. 

You are not being selfish.. Sex is a big part in any marriage.. It is the glue that holds the bond/connection between two people. If sex is an important element for one person it should be to the other. 

Maybe she has issues she is afraid to talk to you about.. Or doesn't know how to... 

I have gone through this myself and i know exactly how you feel. You are depressed.. Angry.. Sad.. Resentful. she isn't willing to listen..Do you listen to what she is really saying? Not just words, but the meaning to them. She tells you she will work on it. (i got that answer too, never happened.) Have you asked her what she wants?

In my own experience with living in a sex less marriage. No sex is just a symptom of something else, something bigger. Communication breaks down, sex doesn't ever happen.. Then the depression, anger, sorrow etc kicks in.. I know i have felt it all. You loose all hope of ever being happy again and it seems to far our of reach that it makes you sick..

What i have found is that my husband and i wanted the same thing. We just were not listening to each other. I was on my way out the door.. I was leaving him.. I could not take it anymore. That is all it took for him to finally listen to what i was trying to tell him all along.

I hope this helps....


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## Need2talknow (Sep 20, 2011)

Thanks for all your replies, I've been taking them all into careful consideration.

Ladybird: I see you understand exactly what I'm going through. I have tried talking about it, with mixed results. Sometimes goes very well and with positive responses... sometimes no so much.

She does have issues, I know what they are and I know that they aren't necessarily easy to deal with. The thing is: they are her issues. She knows what they are and does her best to deal with it... But sometimes I still pay the bill for her problems. It only makes things worse because we talk about everything, but when talking doesn't seem to help, where do we go from there? 

There are also times where I feel like 'hey! other people have much bigger problems than me, stop complaining!'

I don't know... I 'll keep thinking about all this before doing anything I might regret a few years down the line.


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## cressfromhell (Nov 19, 2008)

She may suffer from depression. That causes people to act very inconsistent. Maybe you should try counseling. 

Good Luck. I have been there


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

She may not understand that sex is an emotional as well as physical need for men. Have her take a look at this link:

Your Husband's Sex Drive Is God's Gift to You - Focus on the Family

It is from a Christian viewpoint, but it articulates the way that men relate sexually to their wives.

Catherine also had a great post about male sexuality:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...nt-want-sex-then-what-man-supposed-do-10.html

Keep talking, and do not let her shrug off your needs. Tell her how it is affecting your thoughts during the day.

DO NOT have an affair; that is NEVER the answer.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

Need2talknow said:


> Hello,
> 
> ...oddly enough when we don't have sex regularly I can tell it affect her almost as much as me. Even she has noticed this, and commented on it, and yet fails to act on it.
> [SNIP]
> ...


Get thee to Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life site, go.

He might not have all the answers . . . but nine out of ten ain't bad. And he and his missus have a great marriage. He has something to teach us all, I think.


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## dearhusband (Aug 22, 2011)

IanIronwood said:


> Get thee to Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life site, go.
> 
> He might not have all the answers . . . but nine out of ten ain't bad. And he and his missus have a great marriage. He has something to teach us all, I think.


He does have some wisdom. My ballot has a few dimpled chads though.
There's an interview with him and his wife on youtube. For their entire marriage they've had sex six times a week. I'm still waiting for one good success story where the guy's actions have brought a sex life back from the abyss, not just sustained an already awesome one or resulting in his personal betterment but the marriage's end. Maybe the six times a week has nothing to do with his philosophy. So far the only real success stories I have heard come from the women experiencing some kind of revelation on her own or a period of high drive...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

dearhusband said:


> He does have some wisdom. My ballot has a few dimpled chads though.
> There's an interview with him and his wife on youtube. For their entire marriage they've had sex six times a week. I'm still waiting for one good success story where the guy's actions have brought a sex life back from the abyss, not just sustained an already awesome one or resulting in his personal betterment but the marriage's end. Maybe the six times a week has nothing to do with his philosophy. So far the only real success stories I have heard come from the women experiencing some kind of revelation on her own or a period of high drive...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To be brutally honest, I think that both partners need to have revelations and enlightenments so they end up on the same page.

But, self-improvement is never a bad thing. After all, that's the only person you can improve.


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## barbieDoll (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm silently watching this thread because like you, I've been trying to find the courage to post something since talking about it with anyone in my life is out of the picture. On the flip side, I have an added issue, "Isn't the man supposed to want to have sex often?" Sorry, I have no great advice because I think I'm in a similar situation... similar. There's even another layer to it that complicates matters.

I guess what I'm saying is "you're not alone". I wish you strength and clarity as I wish for it for myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Need2talknow said:


> Thanks for all your replies, I've been taking them all into careful consideration.
> 
> Ladybird: I see you understand exactly what I'm going through. I have tried talking about it, with mixed results. Sometimes goes very well and with positive responses... sometimes no so much.
> 
> ...


Her issues are your issues and your issues are hers. You need to help her through them as much as you can, same goes for her.That is how marriage works.. In marriage there is no I there is only WE, US etc. 

Talking is good, but do you listen to each other. That is important. If i didn't listen to my husband with really open ears, i would have missed everything that he said as in the issues he has with me. You have to listen, not just hear.

Relationships are so easy in the begging, over time if you don't work at it they become boring and leave you wanting more. 

Everyone has issues... I have issues some are really bad and the others are easier. 

I totally understand where you are right now...

I have suffered from depression my entire life.. I may even be bi polar. Dealing with depression is not easy.. It is very hard... I have days that i just want to live under a rock and be left alone... It is a cycle that is constantly repeating it self.. At least once a week i have a very bad emotional break down. These moods have gotten worse over the last 2 years due to my marriage falling apart. I get very moody at times and it is getting harder for me to pull myself out it. This could be very well that your wife is going through..


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