# He wont let me visit a grieving friend because he wants to propose..?



## Penelope33 (Aug 19, 2021)

I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend. 
My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him." 

My boyfriend saw my text messages that essentially offered to come visit soon, and my friend seemed to want me there but absolutely no details or decisions had been made. I wasnt trying to hide anything, I just hadn't even SPOKEN with my friend yet so I didnt want to stir the pot with my boyfriend, who I expected to react poorly as always (I have to plead and make special plans to go to a karaoke bar for girls night once every 2 years and then he calls my friend repeatedly because I didnt respond immediately), but boy did he go off.
Okay and I know this sounds immature to be on a marraige forum, sometimes I worry we have wasted our time.. but it gets relevant now.. We fought for maybe 3-4 hours before bed, including time outs. My basic point: My best friend is grieving. This isnt about anyone but him. I have the time and money, it is my decision to make.
His points: We need to focus on our life. I was going to propose to you very soon (he yelled this at me, like I was supposed to know already), and now here is another delay. I don't want you to make an emotional connection with someone else when we are supposed to be getting married. I'M stressed, stay here and support me. Its almost hunting season. I dont want you to go, doesnt that matter Im saying 100% NO? This is a partnership and I don't want you to travel without me in these crazy times.
My confusion: How was I supposed to know all that? Why is a proposal mutually exclusive to visiting? Why can't you be nice and supportive? Why do you want to marry me if you dont trust me enough with this friend? Dont normal adults visit friends if they want or need to? 

After throwing a tantrum (Red face veins bulging) and trying to sleep on the couch, he woke me up again at 3AM pulling the blankets off me and flipping the lightswitch, "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU." He basically told me he wouldnt propose "any time soon" if I chose to go. (Earlier he bascially questioned why he should propose at all but walked that back).

Obviously something there meant a lot to him but Im honestly not sure what the heck happened in his brain last night. So I conceded, I told him I woudlnt go but that I was pissed, and really had wanted to go. But he turned back into Dr. Jeckyl so I guess it was all worth it to him? Making me question his very character because of the lengths he went to to control and manipulate the situation? Is this a huge red flag or does he make sense to you? Am I blinded by wanting to help my friend? I thought about it long and hard and its not some hero thing.. Its that I want to just be present for him.

Please tell me what you think. What would you do? Thanks everyone.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think your boyfriend is a complete ass, immature, controlling, jealous, and manipulative. I think it's a very good thing he hasn't proposed and you have a chance to move on with few entanglements.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The only part of this that is reasonable is this:



Penelope33 said:


> I don't want you to make an emotional connection with someone else


It is a slippery slope for anyone to fly across the country to support someone of the opposite sex, especially when they have a history with each other. JMO.

That being said... This is quote below a _huge_ issue. Much bigger than the topic of your thread.



Penelope33 said:


> I have to plead and make special plans to go to a karaoke bar for girls night once every 2 years and then he calls my friend repeatedly because I didnt respond immediately


Between that and the stuff about the proposal, your boyfriend seems incredibly immature.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wasn’t going to propose. And now that you’re staying home, he’ll come up with another excuse not to. Hunting? Really? He sounds very controlling and you should rethink why you think marriage is a good idea because he’ll only get worse.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


He's trying to control you with the carrot of a possible proposal, but meanwhile you've been together for 5 years with no proposal. Oh, hell no - he's being irrational.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your boyfriend is considering a marriage proposal and you’re off to visit and console a male friend. It all seems so Innocent to you, but you kissed the guy in the past, he’s a man, you’re a woman, and he is emotionally charged which leads to someone naturally wanting to bond with someone else. 

My thoughts:

your boyfriend is not wrong to not want to share you with another man for “consoling him”. You are putting your friendship ahead of your boyfriend. You are expecting 100% trust from your boyfriend, while doebding alone time with another man. I feel that it is unreasonable for you to ignore his logical fears of you and another emotionally compromised man being alone together. And guess what? YOU May feel Unattracted to this guy, and he’s just a friend, but you’re expecting your boyfriend to trust HIM with his gf!!!!!! You apparently haven’t thought about the fact that this guy may have romantic feelings about YOU. 
I agree with your bf.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He has had 5 years to propose and none of the things you mentioned are any reason to delay it. It's all excuses. 
Having said that it's not wise to go and spend time alone with a male friend who is sad and grieving. Maybe give him a little support via other means, but don't go.

Your boyfriend however sounds very immature and manipulative and I doubt he will propose any time soon.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> He's trying to control you with the carrot of a possible proposal, but meanwhile you've been together for 5 years with no proposal. Oh, hell no - he's being irrational.


I agree, he’s trying to manipulate hr, and she has no empathy for his feelings. They are incompatible.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Penelope33 said:


> After throwing a tantrum (Red face veins bulging) and trying to sleep on the couch, he woke me up again at 3AM pulling the blankets off me and flipping the lightswitch, "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU." He basically told me he wouldnt propose "any time soon" if I chose to go. (Earlier he bascially questioned why he should propose at all but walked that back).


Oh, hell no! **** that guy. Run! Do not agree to marry him. Again, Run!!


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I can guarantee if roles were reversed and he was flying to visit a girl, who had just lost her bf, and he previously had liked and kissed that person, you'd pause at that proposition. Committed / married people don't do that.

That said, the way he is handling other things in the relationship are massive red flags and I wouldn't be marrying someone like that.

You should break up with him (because you need to anyway) and then go console your old male friend and see what happens....


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Your boyfriend sounds like my ex. Very manipulative and emotionally abusive. Get out now. Don't marry this man. It'll get worse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


Don't marry that guy. You already know he's insecure and controlling if you can't even go to karaoke with a couple of friends without him getting his back up. Just don't marry him. Just because you've been with someone for a while doesn't mean you have to marry them. Sometimes it takes years to see the dark side of a person or get fed up with it, one of the two.

Move out and be single. We don't really know what your male friend has on the agenda, but we do know that your boyfriend has been unreasonable by what you said above, maybe not so much in this instance, but repeatedly. Don't sentence yourself to a life of that by marrying him or having a kid with him. Find someone who you might even feel comfortable inviting along on something like this whether he went or not. It sounds to me like if you took this one to anything like this he'd be threatened the whole time anyway. Run.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This guy has no intention of proposing to you. 
You shouldn’t be traveling across the country to see ex boyfriends. 
Two wrongs.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, since hunting season is starting up, of course you can't go anywhere. Silly girl! 

He thinks a marriage proposal from him is a carrot? Tell him you don't take threats lightly.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Penelope33, your BF is a really big jerk TBH, and I think it's a good thing that you guys are still only dating and that you aren't engaged or married with children. He sounds jealous, controlling and manipulative. I was married to that; it's not fun.

Becoming engaged takes some planning for sure, but nothing should really "delay" it. If two people love each other and want to get married and build a life together, they will become engaged and work together through whatever life throws at them. All the reasons you listed for him not proposing are all excuses. He'll always have one at the ready.

I'm so sorry to hear about your best friend's girlfriend. Personally, I feel like you should be there to support him through this time. I understand why your BF may not want you to go, but to tell you that he won't propose to you if you go is so manipulative. And yeah, if he doesn't trust you, you guys don't really have much of a relationship anyways.

Being that he switched gears and became pleasant after you conceded to not go tells me that he's only happy when he gets what he wants. Yes, fighting about it was worth it to him because he won. There's no winning with people like this; if you stay with him and marry him, you will be conceding a LOT. If going to see your friend is important to you and he takes that away, imagine what else he's going to take away. You absolutely are NOT blinded by wanting to help your friend; that's plain ole kindness.

Personally, if it were me in this situation, I would run like hell. Oh, also make sure that you're on birth control. If he's this controlling and pushy with you with this matter, you never know what he might push you into. Don't get pregnant by this dude!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I wouldn’t propose to you if you left across country to go be with another single man, either. And hunting season is a big deal for some men.😋😋😋😋

There’s a line between being controlling and having boundaries. If I were him I’d break up with YOU, especially when you reacted to my statement of how I felt about you going to be with another man one on one by calling me manipulative and controlling. 

just my opinion. And I don’t care one bit about who disagrees. You wanted opinions? There’s mine.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Ursula said:


> @Penelope33, your BF is a really big jerk TBH, and I think it's a good thing that you guys are still only dating and that you aren't engaged or married with children. He sounds jealous, controlling and manipulative. I was married to that; it's not fun.
> 
> Becoming engaged takes some planning for sure, but nothing should really "delay" it. If two people love each other and want to get married and build a life together, they will become engaged and work together through whatever life throws at them. All the reasons you listed for him not proposing are all excuses. He'll always have one at the ready.
> 
> ...


Yeah, and once they have kids, he'll be jealous of them, too. 

Seriously, you already know he's unreasonable. There are literally a billion other guys out there. Don't settle for one you know has to control you to be happy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Ursula said:


> @Penelope33, your BF is a really big jerk TBH, and I think it's a good thing that you guys are still only dating and that you aren't engaged or married with children. He sounds jealous, controlling and manipulative. I was married to that; it's not fun.
> 
> Becoming engaged takes some planning for sure, but nothing should really "delay" it. If two people love each other and want to get married and build a life together, they will become engaged and work together through whatever life throws at them. All the reasons you listed for him not proposing are all excuses. He'll always have one at the ready.
> 
> ...


I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree.😊
Except the excuses for not proposing, but he may have good reason to be waiting.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

long churning makes bad butter was a saying when I was young , 
you think there should be a proposal or you think there should be one two very different things 
you feel the need to go home after 6 years to a guy that you have not see in 6 years strange 
and now with the covid crap , i would not do taking any unnecessary trip you could send him a card ,


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

What is the reason marriage proposal has been delayed a few times? You listed a few reasons before, but could you be more specific?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What does hunting season have to do with any of this? He seemed to be pulling everything he could think of out of his ... well, back end.

He does not like the idea of you traveling to give emotional support to another man. Most men and women would not be ok with their significant other going on a trip to visit a person of the opposite sex they had a strong relationship with.

That said, his outburst was over the top. You might want to consider visiting your friend and use the time apart to break up with your boyfriend. He's scary.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I respectfully and wholeheartedly disagree.😊
> Except the excuses for not proposing, but he may have good reason to be waiting.


That's a-okay; we're allowed to disagree. I've been controlled, maniuplated and gaslighted by a former husband, and so this hits close to home. Do I think he has a reason to be upset with his GF going to visit a guy friend? Sure, of course he does. But the way he goes about expressing himself is all sorts of wrong.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


First, and like others said, your boyfriend is manipulative, jealous, and lying. He has no intention to propose; he just said it to make you feel bad and stay. I wouldn't stay with him for a second. Run for your life. 

As for the grieving friend, something is telling me that you might have some feelings for this friend that you want to explore on top of wanting to console him during this tough time. The best relationships grow out of friendships, and if he is your best friend, then I will disagree with others and suggest that you go visit him and console him. Be warned that it is not a good time for him to be clear about his emotions. He has just lost his girlfriend and might be just looking for a comforting friend next to him. If you are thinking this is an opportunity to reconnect with this friend, do it after you break up with your bf. 

Whether you go see your friend or not, breaking up with your boyfriend is something you need to do. You don't want to live with a controlling freak.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

We don’t yet know who has been delaying the marriage proposal, I think this might clarify things. Many are assuming it’s been him delaying. It hasn’t been stated clearly at all, she’s not really worrying or talking like a woman who has been strung along, waiting for her ring, her big day. Sometimes what is not being said is very revealing. Her main thing is that she wants to visit her old friend and doesn’t see why she shouldn’t and doesn’t understand why he has reacted the way he did.

The only clear delay is the sentence ‘This time the delay is that I want to visit an old friend’ who is male, and now single, and grieving.

OP, do you love your boyfriend? You bought a house together, that’s a pretty huge commitment! Who has the cold feet here? It sounds like you’re the one edging out, am I wrong?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> We don’t yet know who has been delaying the marriage proposal, I think this might clarify things. Many are assuming it’s been him delaying. It hasn’t been stated clearly at all, she’s not really worrying or talking like a woman who has been strung along, waiting for her ring, her big day. Sometimes what is not being said is very revealing. Her main thing is that she wants to visit her old friend and doesn’t see why she shouldn’t and doesn’t understand why he has reacted the way he did.
> 
> The only clear delay is the sentence ‘This time the delay is that I want to visit an old friend’ who is male, and now single, and grieving.
> 
> OP, do you love your boyfriend? You bought a house together, that’s a pretty huge commitment! Who has the cold feet here? It sounds like you’re the one edging out, am I wrong?


Either way. They aren't married. If you wanted it you should have put a ring on it and all that.

He has no plans to propose and if she's been stalling it's because she can tell they aren't compatible.

So let's remove the friend as many people think you are allowed to keep opposite sex from before the marriage and I disagree with that friend being categorized as a boyfriend. Kissing once and deciding against anything else is usually an indication of just not having any spark. BUT anywhoooo let's forget that monkey for now.

He also won't 'let' her go out with friends. We aren't talking every week or even every month. He's jealous and controlling he pulls out all the stops to try to get his way.

Further we tell people never 'threaten' divorce if you don't mean it. He's doing the equivalent by threatening we won't get engaged.

She'd do best to dump him. They aren't compatible. His behavior will escalate after engagement and marriage. He's this controlling with a women he hasn't given a ring to. What's he going to look like after he 'owns' her.

OP if you like many ignore all of our advice against being with this man. PLEAAAAASE have a better conversation about what life would look like after marriage. What boundaries he thinks is appropriate for his wife.

And why would you let him go hunting? Aren't you worried about his safety and what if he gets shot or runs into some good ol boys who like other boys or a bear or OMG he just can't go hunting........You aren't a very good girlfriend if you don't even care enough about his safety to withhold sex until he stops hunting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

coquille said:


> First, and like others said, your boyfriend is manipulative, jealous, and lying. He has no intention to propose; he just said it to make you feel bad and stay. I wouldn't stay with him for a second. Run for your life.
> 
> . Be warned that it is not a good time for him to be clear about his emotions. He has just lost his girlfriend and might be just looking for a comforting friend next to him. If you are thinking this is an opportunity to reconnect with this friend, do it after you break up with your bf.
> 
> Whether you go see your friend or not, breaking up with your boyfriend is something you need to do. You don't want to live with a controlling freak.


So you are encouraging her to cheat on her bf whom she lives with and think she has a romantic interest in (I agree), and at the same time calling him a control freak because he doesn’t want her to go spend time with the poor grieving “friend” who wants a rebound to feel better? IS this accurate or am I misunderstanding?


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you are encouraging her to cheat on her bf whom she lives with and think she has a romantic interest in (I agree), and at the same time calling him a control freak because he doesn’t want her to go spend time with the poor grieving “friend” who wants a rebound to feel better? IS this accurate or am I misunderstanding?


I think you missed the part where I said that she needs to break up first with the controlling boyfriend (he is a controlling freak--she begs him to let her go out with her girlfriends) and then go see the grieving friend. I did not encourage her to cheat


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@Anastasia6 I definitely agree she should dump him. Fast. And not get married for a while, and definitely not marry him.

But I don’t agree with the controlling and jealous narrative at all. You see, a true victim of a controlling partner wouldn’t dare even keep a friend of the opposite sex around. Or any friend around. It just doesn’t fit the profile. She’s not under his control. Frightened women, controlling men, abusive situations. Victims of these men/women could not even enter a situation like this ‘I want to go see my old male friend but my fiancé won’t let me.’

He’s not controlling or jealous.

Could this be a cheater’s script? You know the one where they are crossing boundaries and throwing the, ‘you’re controlling me! You can’t tell me I can’t hang out with another woman/man!’ Who knows?

But he’s not controlling or jealous. And she’s not scared.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Even if the current boyfriend was a pedophile, radical islamist or someone who binge watches "Friends" on Netflix you still don't go and "comfort" another man while you're in a relationship.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Yes you are also blinded, come on, you’re dropping everything to be with a guy who’s girlfriend committed suicide?? He’s got no other friends and family? No professional support?

If you want a stable life, stay away from drama. You are what you attract. You don’t even need to be involved with a man who’s girlfriend committed suicide, and you don’t even want to hear why she did it. Red flags galore. However - maybe this is who you are, and building a house and getting married is not your thing - that’s ok! Nobody will hold that against you, but don’t pretend you are, if your boyfriend is actually the one who wanted stability and commitment. 

We can’t collect every stray cat on the street because we feel sorry for them… we’d end up a crazy cat lady wouldn’t we? 😉 Nice thing to do, being nice and rescuing cats… it’s very noble and all, but utterly useless in the long run. There are shelters for that sort of thing.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Luckylucky said:


> @Anastasia6 I definitely agree she should dump him. Fast. And not get married for a while, and definitely not marry him.
> 
> But I don’t agree with the controlling and jealous narrative at all. You see, a true victim of a controlling partner wouldn’t dare even keep a friend of the opposite sex around. Or any friend around. It just doesn’t fit the profile. She’s not under his control. Frightened women, controlling men, abusive situations. Victims of these men/women could not even enter a situation like this ‘I want to go see my old male friend but my fiancé won’t let me.’
> 
> ...


I disagree. He may not violent. He is controlling or trying to be. He is throwing everything in the book and not for the first time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

coquille said:


> I think you missed the part where I said that she needs to break up first with the controlling boyfriend (he is a controlling freak--she begs him to let her go out with her girlfriends) and then go see the grieving friend. I did not encourage her to cheat


“I have to plead and make special plans to go to a karaoke *bar for girls night”.
My boyfriend knows that we Kissed once *and it was wkward and we stayed just friends. This *male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."*

So this guy doesn’t want his girlfriend going to bars for girls night, and doesn’t want her to go “be there” for her other boyfriend whom he knows she kissed in the past (all alone, cross country, with just the sad, grieving Angel of a man), and you label him a CONTROL FREAK..... 

Lol, whatever you say. I say he’s got normal boundaries and you feminists can go kick sand.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I disagree. He may not violent. He is controlling or trying to be. He is throwing everything in the book and not for the first time.


Yes, he’s rightfully angry, not a chump, clearly wanting some respect. (I’m female and a feminist too).

Think about it, built a house with her, she’s been in contact with this guy for the entire duration of the relationship. She wants to be by her ‘friend’s side’. Not just friends? Read between the lines.

Browse through the many posts here where this sort of story is told from the other side. Wife/fiancé has been in contact with an ex and wants to go comfort him… what do the posters advise?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

He sounds like a sniveling little wimp. Why you want a proposal after a display like that? No clue.

With that said, you’re not going to find a lot of men happy with you flying off to console a friend zoned male potential suitor from the past. I wouldn’t be happy about it. Which is why when my wife had her ex show up snooping around I told him I’d smash his face into the cement if I saw him again (after checking with her, of course).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

His not wanting you to go comfort a male friend isn't a red flag, no. I don't know anyone - male or female - who'd be ok with that. The way he reacted is though. How old are you two?

But the rest of it is. Is he controlling in other ways? You mentioned he calls repeatedly while you're out with friends. And it's an ordeal to even organise a night out with them. That's not a good sign either.

He was never going to propose either btw.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Yes, your BF sounds kinda bad based on your description of him. But if we are being honest here, his behavior isn't nearly so bad as you wanting to take a vacation to go be with another guy. I get why he hasn't proposed, he probably cares for you, and just when things are going well, you hit him with some crap like this.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> doesn’t want her to go “be there” for her other boyfriend whom he knows she kissed in the past (all alone, cross country, with just the sad, grieving Angel of a man), and you label him a CONTROL FREAK.....
> 
> Lol, whatever you say. I say he’s got normal boundaries and you feminists can go kick sand.


I agree that traveling across the country for an opposite sex friend who just lost their SO is a shady situation. This guy's boundaries are not the problem. THIS is the problem: 



Penelope33 said:


> After throwing a tantrum (Red face veins bulging) and trying to sleep on the couch, he woke me up again at 3AM pulling the blankets off me and flipping the lightswitch, "I NEED TO TALK TO YOU." He basically told me he wouldnt propose "any time soon" if I chose to go. (Earlier he bascially questioned why he should propose at all but walked that back).


NO. No no no no no. Anyone (male or female) who throws tantrums like this and then yanks the covers off their sleeping SO in the middle of the night demanding to talk is an a-hole who isn't mature enough for a relationship. And that's not just me speaking as a woman. I knew a guy whose GF pulled crap like this and know what? I thought she was a piece of sh*t too. It's manipulative and immature and completely unacceptable. No matter whether it's a girl or guy pulling this crap. It's unacceptable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Chaotic said:


> I agree that traveling across the country for an opposite sex friend who just lost their SO is a shady situation. This guy's boundaries are not the problem. THIS is the problem:
> 
> 
> 
> NO. No no no no no. Anyone (male or female) who throws tantrums like this and then yanks the covers off their sleeping SO in the middle of the night demanding to talk is an a-hole who isn't mature enough for a relationship. And that's not just me speaking as a woman. I knew a guy whose GF pulled crap like this and know what? I thought she was a piece of sh*t too. It's manipulative and immature and completely unacceptable. No matter whether it's a girl or guy pulling this crap. It's unacceptable.


I agree that behavior is pretty wild. I had a fiancee that did something similar. I don’t know whether he really was stewing about this and pulled a volcano or what. “I don’t condone, but I understand it”.

A quote of hers I noticed was they argued 3 or 4 hours, including “time outs”.
If he’s mature enough and has self control enough to do A time out in an argument, I just have to wonder if OP just made him do miserable that he just felt sick and felt it was her fault and needed some relief. And a man gets red faced and angry and has veins bulging sometimes. She didn’t say he beat her or yelled although I’ll bet he did yell. It happens.

I think if I was placed in his position, I can see him getting really upset. Is this acceptable behavior? No, but everyone has their limit of pain.
I really think he should break up with her. 
Should she break up with him? Well, I think they aren’t compatible. What she feels is normal behavior and what he feels is normal aren’t compatible. And that leads to abnormal reactions.

But I agree you have a valid point.


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## Penelope33 (Aug 19, 2021)

Hi everyone, I had some errands to do today so I'm back now. It's going to take me a while to respond to the key points people are making so just bear with me here.. I do appreciate the feedback and I'll try to address as many of your questions and concerns as I can. Thanks.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

This guy is selfish, jealous and insecure! He’s also trying to control you!
GO, stay as long as you want! 

Abd I’d consider breaking up with mr controlling pants! You are never going to feel independent and secure.

And the promise of a proposal? That’s pathetic! He could do that anytime!


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> This guy is selfish, jealous and insecure! He’s also trying to control you!
> GO, stay as long as you want!
> 
> Abd I’d consider breaking up with mr controlling pants! You are never going to feel independent and secure.
> ...


And people wonder why men are staying out of relationships when this is advice meant to be taken seriously. You're actually advising a woman in a LTR to go and travel to be with another man while she is living with someone like that should ever be ok. Yes, he can propose at any time but why should he? Who in their right mind would want to marry a girl that decides to drop everything and go visit her newly single male friend? 

This is why I usually say men are better off being the guy friend. He always seems to be a higher priority than the guy they're actually with. Just smash the girl and let her go home to her sucker of a BF. Let him deal with the problems.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> “I have to plead and make special plans to go to a karaoke *bar for girls night”.
> My boyfriend knows that we Kissed once *and it was wkward and we stayed just friends. This *male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."*
> 
> So this guy doesn’t want his girlfriend going to bars for girls night, and doesn’t want her to go “be there” for her other boyfriend whom he knows she kissed in the past (all alone, cross country, with just the sad, grieving Angel of a man), and you label him a CONTROL FREAK.....
> ...


What looks to you normal boundaries looks controlling to me and particularly the way he expresses them. He doesn't trust her to spend a girls night at the karaoke bar and he calls her girlfriends when she doesn't answer the phone. If this is not controlling, I don't know what it is. 
In my post I suggested to the OP that she might be looking for something beyond friendship with this male friend, and that she needs to break up with bf before going to see her friend. Both she and her bf know deep down that they are not compatible; he is not proposing after 5 years together, but he goes nuclear when she is out with girlfriends. 

If he sat her down and set "normal boundaries" by saying that he is uncomfortable with her going to console her male friend, or by saying that he uncomfortable with her going to a girls night at a karaoke bar, then there is room for discussion between the two of them, but saying that he had plans to propose and he needs to go hunting, or whatever BS he just blurts to prevent her from going is totally insecure, manipulative, and controlling. One needs not be a feminist to see this guy's dysfunctionality. If he was setting normal boundaries, he wouldn't be inventing BS excuses.


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## Penelope33 (Aug 19, 2021)

I'll start with people's direct questions I guess. @frusdil I'm 27 and he's 33. 
@Luckylucky @coquille , I do love my boyfriend and I can say wholeheartedly that this is not me edging out. We didn't BUY a house, we are BUILDING one from the ground up. I helped him clear the land and peel the logs. I spent my entire day today, despite our explosive fight, driving around town making custom orders for foundation brackets and concrete forms. It's a little disheartening to ask for advice literally saying "am I wrong? please tell me, does he make sense?," then have people assume that I want to cheat on my boyfriend. You all can just stop please. I'm not a perfect Christian but this is out of the question.

However, I do see now that I was acting emotionally, collecting stray cats as you mentioned. We can pin that on a multitude of things... I lost my other best friend to meth and the streets. When I moved states and we live in a rural area, it hasn't been easy for me to make new _close_ friends. With covid, I haven't been able to socialize much at all, all my recreational stuff is shut down. So I guess when my best friend called out for help, it made sense to go at the time. My thinking was NOT "I want to manipulate my grieving friend into loving me," it was "Oh my God, I can't imagine how he must feel. ****, I remember when we used to always ask each other for help and advice, and smoke a J and talk about life every other day. Maybe he really needs a friend right now."

@Evinrude58 , You make some perfectly valid points. The same points that my mom advised me, and who can argue with that? I see that perspective better now, though it was hard to accept. I never meant to ignore his fears, in fact I did take his words to heart even during the heat of things. I initiated the time outs while he followed me room to room. I reminded him that I care about his feelings and had not made a decision yet, and asked him to let me sleep on it. It is hard to absorb someone's point of view when they are yelling it at you and demanding a decision OR ELSE. To me, it was unthinkable that someone grieving, especially the loss of a romantic partner, would have any interest whatsoever in rebound or romance, but I guess that is something I learned was possible today. So, if I want to be a real wife, respecting his wishes and boundaries is definitely in order. I can support my friend without flying to see him. Fine.

Many people, and I don't know who to @, think we should break up. They see my point when I say it was a battle to be approved for girls night TWICE in the 5 years we've been together. What gets me about it is that I AM always putting him first. I know he doesn't like me going to bars and so I just don't, because it's not that important to me anyways. Easy.
So, and this is important, I think a lot of the reason we got into a major fight about THIS scenario is because of the countless other times he has cried wolf, or put up a big fuss about what I'm doing and told me I can't do it. In this scenario, I felt something was important to me and he almost instantly started yelling and accusing, like he does, without calmly telling me REALLY how important it was to him that I don't go. So I didn't take him seriously enough and I fought back. I felt bad for my friend. I wasn't empathetic with my boyfriend because I get this crap a lot, I can't even change the radio station sometimes without a spat.

The proposal is a weird thing I guess. I don't know why it has been delayed. I genuinely don't understand how I could be the one delaying it? We have been talking about marriage for 2 or 3 years now. The biggest thing was covid I guess, since that's almost 2 years ago now. He had some drinking issues that were very close to solving themselves, but then he got laid off and fell off the wagon hard. Details aren't needed, he didn't physically attack me but he was certainly a raging crazy person. It traumatized me for a year, but we love each other enough that we worked through it, again. You can't pretend the world wasn't a little upside down there. I forgave him. I bend over backwards for this man. He admits that he's the one who had a hard time committing. Maybe I did delay it because I didn't trust his drinking problem, and rightly so. But is that really ME delaying it? It doesn't matter. I really do believe him that he was going to propose in 2 or 3 days. He told me that all his coworkers knew and were teasing him. I would have said yes. Again, I didn't know this when I considered visiting my friend. Who knows what happens now.

It seems like everything between us is generally lined up, future dreams, lifestyle goals and choices, political views, recreational activities, sense of humor, EXCEPT we communicate like crap. And I am so confused about what to do. We are very invested and we both really want things to work but we just can't stop fighting.

OH last thing. It seems like you guys are capable of reading a lot, I hope this isn't too long... but SITUATION UPDATE:
I called my mom, she told me that I was being irrational and the timing is bad. I am still pretty pissed about how he handled himself last night, it was immature and ridiculous, but I ended up calling home to apologize and say "I never meant this to hurt you. If I would have known this would happen, I wouldn't have even considered the visit. I was emotional and I do care very much for my friend, but you matter more to me and so I'm not going anywhere. I'm sorry I fought so hard about it."

Meanwhile, he wrote me a 4 page letter which has never happened before. It's very sweet and I think mostly an attempt to explain why he was so irrational. We have hit a lot of roadblocks this year, he couldn't handle another one. He's been trying so hard to build this house but supply lines have set us back at least a year, which he views as a delay in starting our family. He described being a long distance runner who is barely making it to the finish line, but he finally realized that I am his finish line and was just about to act on it when this happened, and we should be able to be happy no matter what is going on around us. He's sleeping now.

I could go on for hours. Thank you all so much for your honest insight.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You both need counseling, individually and as a couple, before you get married. One could argue that if you _already_ need therapy there is a big problem. It would be very unwise to get married or have kids while both of you have terrible communication and he's incredibly insecure. 

Covid isn't an excuse for not getting engaged. Sure it may be a reason to postpone the wedding, but how could that possibly postpone an engagement?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

coquille said:


> What looks to you normal boundaries looks controlling to me and particularly the way he expresses them. He doesn't trust her to spend a girls night at the karaoke bar and he calls her girlfriends when she doesn't answer the phone. If this is not controlling, I don't know what it is.
> In my post I suggested to the OP that she might be looking for something beyond friendship with this male friend, and that she needs to break up with bf before going to see her friend. Both she and her bf know deep down that they are not compatible; he is not proposing after 5 years together, but he goes nuclear when she is out with girlfriends.
> 
> If he sat her down and set "normal boundaries" by saying that he is uncomfortable with her going to console her male friend, or by saying that he uncomfortable with her going to a girls night at a karaoke bar, then there is room for discussion between the two of them, but saying that he had plans to propose and he needs to go hunting, or whatever BS he just blurts to prevent her from going is totally insecure, manipulative, and controlling. One needs not be a feminist to see this guy's dysfunctionality. If he was setting normal boundaries, he wouldn't be inventing BS excuses.


I don’t disagree with you on this.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Penelope33 said:


> I'll start with people's direct questions I guess. @frusdil I'm 27 and he's 33.
> @Luckylucky @coquille , I do love my boyfriend and I can say wholeheartedly that this is not me edging out. We didn't BUY a house, we are BUILDING one from the ground up. I helped him clear the land and peel the logs. I spent my entire day today, despite our explosive fight, driving around town making custom orders for foundation brackets and concrete forms. It's a little disheartening to ask for advice literally saying "am I wrong? please tell me, does he make sense?," then have people assume that I want to cheat on my boyfriend. You all can just stop please. I'm not a perfect Christian but this is out of the question.
> 
> However, I do see now that I was acting emotionally, collecting stray cats as you mentioned. We can pin that on a multitude of things... I lost my other best friend to meth and the streets. When I moved states and we live in a rural area, it hasn't been easy for me to make new _close_ friends. With covid, I haven't been able to socialize much at all, all my recreational stuff is shut down. So I guess when my best friend called out for help, it made sense to go at the time. My thinking was NOT "I want to manipulate my grieving friend into loving me," it was "Oh my God, I can't imagine how he must feel. ****, I remember when we used to always ask each other for help and advice, and smoke a J and talk about life every other day. Maybe he really needs a friend right now."
> ...


Lots to think about and soak in now that you present more info.
Drinking heavy? Red flag and certainly you should give pause. I would have a boundary of my wife not going to bars and drinking without me. I understand that would be unreasonable to lots of people, but that’s just me. I see it as my spouse knowingly putting herself in an unsafe environment and one in which men (drunk men too) are looking to chase women. Your bf seems to have that as well. But, I totally understand your desire to go hang out with your girlfriends and although it would honestly worry the hell out of me, if I k ew the girlfriends well and thought they were of good character, I would be ok with it once in a while, although it would really make me fear for your safety. Just giving you my perspective so maybe you’ll understand his better. If this were a bunch of horny married women or single women friends I wouldn’t go for it at all. Bluntly put, but I’ve seen it before.

I think you are starting to see his perspective on your friend and why he doesn’t want you to go console him and that is good, too.
I get that you think it’s harmless, but the point is that your bf doesn’t and he has good reason to think it’s not. If you read a lot of threads in the infidelity forum, you’d actually see that a death of someone close is very often associated with infidelity. Emotionally compromised people act in weird ways to try to stop the pain they’re feeling.

From what you’ve described, it probably is wise of you both to go slow on the marriage thing, although in all honesty, if you’re going to build a house together, you might as well get married so you can both protect your interests in it legally.

life is harder and more complex than it was years ago. The stress people are under us immense. Nobody is perfect.

I do think it would be very beneficial for you both to continue some couples counseling and learn to work on the communication. Guess what? Probably 99.999999% of couples would benefit from iT, including me.

Hope to hear the rest of your story, and that your relationship continues to grow and get better.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Thanks for the update, it’s great that you’ve got your mum to talk to, and that she’s pointed out some of the things a few posters have. You’re lucky, it looks like your mum wants the best for you.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Penelope33 said:


> some instict in me just said "go be there for him."


I think that voice wasn't trying to get you to visit another man, but instead showing you your priorities. I agree with other posters that if you were in a good relationship you wouldn't even consider going to your friend. But you are not in a good relationship. If your bf does propose, please say "no." Being with someone for 5 years is not a good enough reason to get married. 

Forget your friend and begin planning to leave your BF. And then work on yourself to figure out why you stayed with an emotionally abusive man for 5 years.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Here’s a question for everyone who says that the boyfriend is controlling because he doesn’t want his girlfriend traveling to see her ex and “comfort” him.
If they were married would it still be seen as controlling?
Or would it be seen as her beginning the physical part of what is already an emotional affair?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I have an alternative question: What if the friend was a gay or bisexual female? How would everyone feel about the situation then?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He has already said he has issues with commitment. There is no reason why he hasn't said will you marry me long before now. All the reasons given are very poor excuses. Even if he does ever ask you, good luck with getting him to ever agree to set a date for the wedding. 

How about you ask the friend to come and stay with you both for a few days?

Your partners behaviour generally is very controlling. Lots of red flags.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


This all shows your bf isn't marriage material. Simple.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I guess I don't see much difference in a girls' night out where she is getting up and singing some white-trash version of Shania and he goes hunting, gets sloppy-ass drunk and swaps bear stories with his buds. Her choice of recreation is far safer, imo.

OP, I sincerely hope you do not marry this guy. He is way too immature. At your age, you have lots of time to find a guy who has a better handle on his emotions. Emotionally, he is at least a decade behind.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> He's trying to control you with the carrot of a possible proposal, but meanwhile you've been together for 5 years with no proposal. Oh, hell no - he's being irrational.


This thought crossed my mind as well. He knows she wants the proposal, and is dangling the carrot. She should leave him, I bet he'll be at her doorstep with a ring real quick.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> I have an alternative question: What if the friend was a gay or bisexual female? How would everyone feel about the situation then?


But he’s not a bisexual female, he’s her ex boyfriend.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> But he’s not a bisexual female, he’s her ex boyfriend.


Friend.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I still see huge issues here OP. While I agree that you shouldn’t go comfort your male bestie, and him not wanting you to do that is NOT controlling, his reaction was incredibly immature and not at all
befitting of a 33yo man. 

He is dangling the proposal in front of you like a carrot, and then yanking it away again. Like teasing a puppy.

There is zero reason that you can’t get engaged - not that I think you should.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Why would you want to marry somebody who has so little empathy? He does not sound like a good long term partner.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> This guy has no intention of proposing to you.
> You shouldn’t be traveling across the country to see ex boyfriends.
> Two wrongs.


This is the best post.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Neither one of these two seems mature enough to get married, but I won't blame the boyfriend for not proposing, he probably knows as much. That may be the one instance where he has shown some maturity,


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Penelope33 said:


> because I get this crap a lot, I can't even change the radio station sometimes without a spat.


This will be the rest of your life if you marry this man. I second whoever said that you both need counseling before getting married, and chances are you'll need it after, too. The chances are very good that this will get worse, not better, after marriage, and that you will be "bending over backward for this man" even more than you do now. It's your life, do what you want, but know that these problems will not go away magically on their own.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


Oh Sweetie, these aren't red flags. These are nukes. This behavior is controlling and abusive so if it were me, I'd be walking back the entire relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Penelope33 said:


> I'll start with people's direct questions I guess. @frusdil I'm 27 and he's 33.
> @Luckylucky @coquille , I do love my boyfriend and I can say wholeheartedly that this is not me edging out. We didn't BUY a house, we are BUILDING one from the ground up. I helped him clear the land and peel the logs. I spent my entire day today, despite our explosive fight, driving around town making custom orders for foundation brackets and concrete forms. It's a little disheartening to ask for advice literally saying "am I wrong? please tell me, does he make sense?," then have people assume that I want to cheat on my boyfriend. You all can just stop please. I'm not a perfect Christian but this is out of the question.
> 
> However, I do see now that I was acting emotionally, collecting stray cats as you mentioned. We can pin that on a multitude of things... I lost my other best friend to meth and the streets. When I moved states and we live in a rural area, it hasn't been easy for me to make new _close_ friends. With covid, I haven't been able to socialize much at all, all my recreational stuff is shut down. So I guess when my best friend called out for help, it made sense to go at the time. My thinking was NOT "I want to manipulate my grieving friend into loving me," it was "Oh my God, I can't imagine how he must feel. ****, I remember when we used to always ask each other for help and advice, and smoke a J and talk about life every other day. Maybe he really needs a friend right now."
> ...


What most of us here are saying is not you are manipulating your grieving friend to make them love you, what we are saying is that when you are in a relationship with someone it's good to have boundaries. Particularly emotional ones so that you are not tempted. Fact is people often don't even realize there will be a temptation until it's too late, then many end up succumbing to cheating, and even the ones tho don't suffer and it effects their relationship. 

For instance one may never act on or even confess their feelings for a coworker but that doesn't stop them from thinking about them and having that dominate their thoughts, dreaming and idealizing the idea and having that effect their marriage which will never be able to compete with the fantasy. Reality just can't compete. Boundaries protects you from that just as much as your boyfriend.

I think your boyfriend has displayed some significant red flags, but I think you have also displayed them at least with this guy. If this has been an ongoing battle then I wonder if what your boyfriends real problem is, is with your lack of boundaries or even understanding that there needs to be some. The fact that your tone in the first post seemed so matter of fact with all this may show a pattern. It seems conceivable that he may have a point, granted as you describe it his way of making it is wrong. However we are only getting your side of the story so it's possible to read into it that there may be more going on. It should be noted that it's hard to be in a relationship with someone who has poor boundaries. 

Again that also doesn't mean that he is expressing his concern in the right way. Forbidding you or manipulating you with proposals is just childish and mean. However if he were to say to you - "look this kind of stuff is why I have not proposed yet" - that would be very different. It makes me wonder what else was going on in the other instances. Are you on the phone with this guy friend and texting throughout the day, like you might be a female best friend? Are you telling him all your problems including ones in the relationship? 

What are these friends you are hanging out with like? What do they say about your boyfriend? Are they single? Do they encourage you do "dump" your boyfriend, like some of the posters here who seemed very quick to take your side without even noticing some of the red flags some others saw? This would not be the first time someone has a group of single friends who were not friends to their committed relationship, often just as much out of jealousy as anything else. Would all these people encourage you to fly across country to console your ex-boyfriend/best friend while he was grieving? Would they see the advice from many of us not to do that as "controlling"? To me of all the parts of this story that is just as big a red flag. 

Frankly if it was me (Married almost two decades, that I think most people would call good) I wouldn't have wasted my time with that, the only difference is I wouldn't try to convince you I would have just suggested we go our separate ways. I am would not be interested in someone whose best friends with a male ex boyfriend. Life's too short, and it causes the kind of drama you are experiencing. 

Neither my wife nor I have any emotionally close friends of the opposite sex. Friends is cool, best friends, nah. I guess I am controlling and my wife is too. But then again we are married almost two decades and it's never been a problem. I also understand keeping my emotional distance from folks that there is a potential however small for feelings to grow into romantics ones is smart for me too. The best way to avoid temptation is to not put yourself in the position where you might be tempted.

Again we have one instance and one side of the story, but even with you completely controlling the narrative I think many of us see red flags on your part too.

I suggest you and your boyfriend have a very frank talk about all of this.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

sokillme said:


> I would not be interested in someone who’s best friends with a male ex boyfriend.


This.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> But he’s not a bisexual female, he’s her ex boyfriend.


I think she said they kissed once but decided there was nothing there? I don't class that as an ex boyfriend.

I didn't mean to leave my post a little provocative, I got distracted, but for me the issue wouldn't matter on male / female, it's about whether that person represents a threat to the relationship. As we experience increasing diversity in our cultures, potentially more threats to the relationship emerge. So then it has to come down to trust. Finally that's what it has to be since we cannot protect from all threats to our relationships, but we can create the environment at home that gives our partners the comfort and security and desire that even if we are presented with a situation which could lead to infidelity, then we will take the right action at the right time to leave the situation and remain faithful.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MarmiteC said:


> I think she said they kissed once but decided there was nothing there? I don't class that as an ex boyfriend.
> 
> I didn't mean to leave my post a little provocative, I got distracted, but for me the issue wouldn't matter on male / female, it's about whether that person represents a threat to the relationship. As we experience increasing diversity in our cultures, potentially more threats to the relationship emerge. So then it has to come down to trust. Finally that's what it has to be since we cannot protect from all threats to our relationships, but we can create the environment at home that gives our partners the comfort and security and desire that even if we are presented with a situation which could lead to infidelity, then we will take the right action at the right time to leave the situation and remain faithful.


To me, assuming you are the same sexuality, then overnight visits to provide emotional support during a vulnerable time is inappropriate in my marriage. If that is controlling, so be it.

Honestly even if there is no chance of any kind of romance, too much emotional energy spent in someone other then your spouse has the potential to be an issue. An example would be sharing secrets with once friends that are personal to the marriage. Having a friend be the primary person you go to for emotional support to the point where it take priority over your mate. 

In my mind if you are married your spouse should be your primary person, and your focus. If they do things to hurt that then that needs to be discussed and worked at.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I wouldn't like my husband flying to California to comfort a female friend he kissed once. I don't think he'd like me going and comfort a male friend. Now a days you can comfort someone by phone, video call, text messages, etc. Unless you and him want physical contact, which to me, is a red flag. I could end a relationship because of it.

I remember ending relationships because my ex boyfriends showed controlling behaviors. I wouldn't have married my husband if he had issues with me going out with my female friends.

I would have a problem if my husband reacted the way your boyfriend did. I don't need drama in my life.

You guys haven't even pour the foundation in your house. Fix your problems first and then plan on building a house together. Not the other way around.

To tell you the truth, if I were you, I would walk away from the relationship. I have no patience for drama or mind games.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Yes to be clear. I don't have a problem with him not wanting you to go see the male friend. There are plenty of relationsihips where this wouldn't be a problem but it's ok it he doesn't like that.

However, you not being able to once a year go do karoke with friends. That is controlling. Arguing, threatening, using hunting and marriage and everything else under the book. Well that is controlling. The drinking the long term lack of commitment. So whose name is on the property where this house is being built.

I generally say if after 2 years two people don't know if they want to get married, well then they shouldn't get married. I find that people just aren't compatible if at the 2 year mark they are still hemming and hawing. Cut bait. Stop the sunk cost fallacy. Oh we have so much time in. Oh we started a house. Oh......

Dump him. Date someone else find someone that doesn't come with a controlling, emotional dramatic, drinking and job issues. There are other fish. It's obvious you two are on different pages.

Another question. Mom says..... I love mommas and I am one. But there are lots of women married to controlling abusive assholes, or sneaky covert contract makers, or drunks. How is your dad? How good is your mom at picking men? Cause I can not see anyone wanting their daughter to walk into a relationship so ill matched.

As a reflection, If I told my husband I wanted to fly out to see a friend who's SO just killed themselves, boy or girl my husband probably wouldn't care because he trusts me. And if he did care we would sit down and talk about it and if the final answer was I really don't want you to go. I probably wouldn't. We wouldn't fight or pout or yell. Flip side if after that I said, I really feel like I need to he would drive me to the airport and pick me up when I got back.


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## Penelope33 (Aug 19, 2021)

You know what I've realized through all of this? (and I already typed this message a little more eloquently but lost the entire thing to some computer glitch so now I'm just summarizing myself..)

This forum format has been a huge emotional drain when I already have enough of that going on. What was I thinking, that a bunch of total strangers who have absolutely NO IDEA of the specific circumstances and dynamics of this situation would be able to offer any meaningful solutions? And when they have absolutely no idea, they fill in the blanks and make things up, usually the most awful things they can think of.

He's not my ex boyfriend, he's a good friend. We don't talk throughout the day, we text once every several months and talk on the phone once every 1-2 years. It's a truly unconditional friendship that I guess no one respects. I don't think either of us has ever remembered a birthday on time, but we really don't care. And this mistake I made has cost me a lot. I hurt him worse than he was already hurting and now he doesn't want to speak to me, and I feel absolutely awful. But I still stand by my partner.

I was able to see my boyfriends point of view when finally given the time and space to do so. I came around the next day to apologize and tell him I understood his concerns, and that I wasn't going anywhere. I was mature enough to ask for advice and admit that I might be wrong. I genuinely learned a lesson about how delicate it can be having friends of another gender, even when you're barely in contact. Yet you tell me I am too immature for marriage, for the thought-crime of wishing to visit a friend in need. Seems cruel. 

On another note, to all you strong men who think that my boyfriend should do the dumping, you're absolutely uninformed. He's already forgiven me and apologized for his acting crazy. He understands how I felt and why I felt that way. He can see how much it upset me to feel my friend's pain, so he has been empathetic and brainstormed with me other ways to show support. At the same time, I understand why he fought so hard for me to change my perspective. I'm getting damn sick of his argument style, but I do understand the extreme stress that he is under that causes his fuse to be short. None of you have a window into that. 

You guys insult my friends. The first time I went to a bar without him, it was for a reggae concert about 6 minutes down the highway and my friend pre-arranged a cab for us. The second time was with a coworker who says "shootsies" instead of "s***." We each had 1 drink and sang a duet. Yes, many of them do agree with the posters here who have suggested that "there are other fish in the sea" because they saw what his drinking caused, but they also know that it's my life to live and offer constructive advice or encouragement when we work through a specific issue. 

The bottom line? The internet is a big mess of conflicting advice and assholes. I would have been fine without it. There's a reason I don't have social media and it's because I prefer to live my life in the real world and handle my problems the real way. I don't know why I thought this would help. I hope someone else can learn from my mistake here. Just get off the computer and deal with your own lives.

Thank you to those who did not make weird assumptions and gave me your honest opinion. It did help me see a new perspective, one that should have been explained to me calmly but emotions were high. Thank you for the confirmation that my boyfriend really does have anger issues and understanding my frustration about it. He's always working on it, but times are tougher now more than ever for him. I'll be a patient partner and we'll keep working on it. Jeez Louise, I'm outta here.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Penelope33 said:


> You know what I've realized through all of this? (and I already typed this message a little more eloquently but lost the entire thing to some computer glitch so now I'm just summarizing myself..)
> 
> This forum format has been a huge emotional drain when I already have enough of that going on. What was I thinking, that a bunch of total strangers who have absolutely NO IDEA of the specific circumstances and dynamics of this situation would be able to offer any meaningful solutions? And when they have absolutely no idea, they fill in the blanks and make things up, usually the most awful things they can think of.
> 
> ...


Bummer.

You're saying you found enough wisdom here in the feedback to wake you up, show you new points of view, resolve the main issue you came here about, get a four page letter of love from your fiance as a result, and you focus on the crap. Re-read and rethink this. 

Bummer.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Penelope33 said:


> I need help making sense of this situation please. I don't know who is "right," and I can't tell if my priorities or all screwy or if he's being a real jerk.
> 
> My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years and we live together. We both sort of understand that a marriage proposal is overdue, but it seems like things always come up with bad timing to delay it. (Mentally ill parents, covid, building a house, etc). This time, the "delay" is that I want to visit an old friend.
> My best friend from high school and college in our hometown is a male. We were very close. I havent seen him in 6 years since I moved away, but we talk occasionally. My boyfriend knows that we kissed once but it was awkward and we stayed just friends. This male friend of mine just lost his girlfriend of 4 years to suicide, and he texted me the very next morning for support. I feel awful for him, and some instict in me just said "go be there for him."
> ...


If you hung your boyfriend on a pole he’d be a man sized red flag.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Penelope33 said:


> You know what I've realized through all of this? (and I already typed this message a little more eloquently but lost the entire thing to some computer glitch so now I'm just summarizing myself..)
> 
> This forum format has been a huge emotional drain when I already have enough of that going on. What was I thinking, that a bunch of total strangers who have absolutely NO IDEA of the specific circumstances and dynamics of this situation would be able to offer any meaningful solutions? And when they have absolutely no idea, they fill in the blanks and make things up, usually the most awful things they can think of.
> 
> ...


You aren’t even married and you are working on HIS anger issues already. Sounds like a joy filled life. Good luck.


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## Penelope33 (Aug 19, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> Bummer.
> 
> You're saying you found enough wisdom here in the feedback to wake you up, show you new points of view, resolve the main issue you came here about, get a four page letter of love from your fiance as a result, and you focus on the crap. Re-read and rethink this.
> 
> Bummer.



No, my mom helped me to resolve the issue. I was just trying to be polite.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your mum sounds like a clear voice of reason. I’m sure she’s also protective of you, that much is true, and I reiterate that she wants the best for you. Which assures me that if you would be in an abusive situation, your mum would also advise you to leave. She would have asked you first, and you would have denied things. For a while at least. 

You and the old friend smoking a J - that’s the past. Your mum doesn’t want you smoking J’s, not does your boyfriend. Not saying you have a j problem by any means, or that this may even be an issue. But I’ll listen to the people telling me NO! Rather than the crowd: oh who is he to control you, just relax and have a puff! Live

The girls from the bars. All that is nice in your youth and ok… but it’s not nice in your 30s, 40s. Another poster mentioned the ‘dump him brigade’ and the friends who don’t wish you well. Any woman proclaiming this, and telling you to go visit your friend doesn’t wish you well. When you f*^k up your life, you can sleep on their couch for a few days and they’ll dry your tears. For a bit. And then they’ll want your rent money, and when you can’t pay that, they’ll be telling you what else you can and can’t do. And simply wash their hands of you.

I don’t even know you, and I don’t want you being in contact with a male friend who just lost a girlfriend to suicide. Who grew up in such a tough situation. You’re moving ahead, you’ve built a house. Work together with what you’ve got with your boyfriend, both of you can do this. 

In a truly controlling situation, you wouldn’t go to your friends with your concerns, and you probably wouldn’t even tell your mother even. You would hide this from them and never speak of it. You’re ok, I know it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Penelope33 said:


> No, my mom helped me to resolve the issue. I was just trying to be polite.


Well it seems you failed at being polite.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I missed your above post… once we have the rage, it all becomes clearer, even more so. It comes out in certain people.

Oh, and how badly you’ve hurt your friend, we just don’t get it, do we. Oh boy. Nobody understands how important he is and how much you care for this amazing unconditional friendship. I haven’t heard you even speak of your boyfriend this way.

The crazy cat lady is so kind and special too. She and her hair and home do eventually end up simply smelling of cat urine. The worst smell ever.

You would probably be better off on social media! (Not sure what that rant was about?) How is it different or worse than this amazing friendship, where you only speak once in a few years and text only every few months? I see it means more to you than your present life with your boyfriend. And he can see it too.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

EleGirl said:


> Well it seems you failed at being polite.


Ironically, outrage is one of the biggest problems on social media.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Context : Yes, your boyfriend's responses are not acceptable.

Here's the moment the problem showed up :

You texted your grieving, emotionally vulnerable best-friend-you've-kissed BFYK that you were going to travel to visit him, without telling your boyfriend (soon to be husband?). This was effectively playing with the emotions of an already grieving person, because you brought his hopes and spirits up during a very tough time. 

As a defense, you say you didn't make any detailed plan to visit, but what did that matter in the end? Nothing. 

Look at the response this generated in your boyfriend - he thought about it in anguish for hours and then told you, if you go, it's over. 

Look at the response post-talk this generated in your BFYK, he's no longer speaking to you and he's feeling worse.

You didn't think about the consequences of your txt. You didn't consider your RELATIONSHIP with your boyfriend first. You didn't take into account human nature - that even the most loyal partner should never voluntarily place themselves in extended physical proximity with someone of the opposite sex who is emotionally vulnerable, while away from their partner. Playing with fire. Potentially hurting so many people. 

You have to take some lessons from this. People here tried to point that out for you. 

Ignore any crap you perceived and take away something valuable for your future.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Sorry but I would have told you to do what you want. Go console your best friend. That would have told me everything I needed to know. We wouldn’t have been a couple anymore once you left.

It isn’t your place in a committed relationship to console another guy in person. No problem talking on the phone with him, heck I would’ve talked with him as well trying to help him through this.

There is a thread on here now where the girlfriend went to a funeral and cheated on her boyfriend with her ex. That level of emotions is unpredictable with two people that care for one another.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

coquille said:


> What looks to you normal boundaries looks controlling to me and particularly the way he expresses them. He doesn't trust her to spend a girls night at the karaoke bar and he calls her girlfriends when she doesn't answer the phone. If this is not controlling, I don't know what it is.
> In my post I suggested to the OP that she might be looking for something beyond friendship with this male friend, and that she needs to break up with bf before going to see her friend. Both she and her bf know deep down that they are not compatible; he is not proposing after 5 years together, but he goes nuclear when she is out with girlfriends.
> 
> If he sat her down and set "normal boundaries" by saying that he is uncomfortable with her going to console her male friend, or by saying that he uncomfortable with her going to a girls night at a karaoke bar, then there is room for discussion between the two of them, but saying that he had plans to propose and he needs to go hunting, or whatever BS he just blurts to prevent her from going is totally insecure, manipulative, and controlling. One needs not be a feminist to see this guy's dysfunctionality. If he was setting normal boundaries, he wouldn't be inventing BS excuses.


Young men are not rational at times. They are not perfect examples of decorum. They tend to fly off the handle.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Penelope33 said:


> What was I thinking, that a bunch of total strangers who have absolutely NO IDEA of the specific circumstances and dynamics of this situation would be able to offer any meaningful solutions? And when they have absolutely no idea, they fill in the blanks and make things up, usually the most awful things they can think of.


I suspect the OP is gone, but just in case...

Dude, if you want nuanced advice from someone who understands the intricacies of the personalities and situations you're working with, you need to invest time and money in a really good therapist. 

On the other hand, if you're okay with scatter shot advice from a peanut gallery of strangers who necessarily view your problems through the lens of their own history and issues, then you post on a forum. Part of the deal is that you have to sort through the advice and pick and choose what honestly speaks to you.

I mean, that's really kind of how this works. I'm sorry it caught you by surprise. 🤷


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s been banned so while she may still be reading she won’t be responding.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Shouldn't she at least be addressed as Dudette?

I'm glad your mom gave advice that you deem worthy. Still, I would not make excuses for his behavior - that signals co-dependence which will not work in your favor.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Shouldn't she at least be addressed as Dudette?


My apologies, I came of age during the "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" era and still call everyone dude regardless of gender 😂


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

ABHale said:


> Young men are not rational at times. They are not perfect examples of decorum. They tend to fly off the handle.


Especially when their GF comes to them and says they wanna go take a trip to be with their newly single male friend. The guy would have to be a robot to not have a strong reaction to this. I can't believe so many people are talking about his reaction to HER problem more than the fact she is the one talking about trips to see guy friends.


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## EnLiteEndOne (Aug 23, 2021)

JFC, the advice, assumptions, and bickering you people can pull off is mind-blowing. Even more so from the high-horses some of you are spewing it from. 

OP is a individual with her own ability to refrain from sexual urges and/or defend against them. 

Several of you are projecting your own jaded views of opposite sex friendships. Not everyone is 'Harry meets Sally.' 
Not to mention her poor friend, of which she admi she doesn't have a bounty of, is greiving a sudden and traumatic loss. None of us besides OP has any idea the depths of that relationship, yet there are members leaping to the extreme conclusion that he's going to not only disrespect himself and his newly deceased SO, but also his long-time friend and put the moves on her. 

Since when does one kiss = "relationship?" Furthermore, if you are of that belief (you're entitled to be) than please message me directions to this chaste fantasy world you think you and perhaps your partner live in. Bonus love and admiration for an attached pic of your glass house.

All of that was extrapolated off OP's introduction to her issue, which y'all failed to even grasp let alone address. 

At this point I simply don't have the energy or desire to compare and contrast BF and his personal issues, the relationship issues and damage they have caused to the same level of self-righteous advice shown above. 

You cats need to tighten up. These are people with real and consequential problems you are casting your message board certified advice upon. 
They all may seem similar and frustratingly repetitive, but each person involved creates a uniqueness to every new case. You can do some real harm despite your 'best intentions'. 

*Cc: OP: *My 16 years of marital experience only allows me this bit of amateur advice. You've got some red flags to address in your relationship. Only you know your BF well enough to determine if he's willing and capable to repair them AND if you have the strength to fight WITH him. Once you settle upon your willingness, talk to him about your resolve that corrections are needed but also do it with love and care.


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## EnLiteEndOne (Aug 23, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> *newly single male friend.*


Do you think he got on Tinder and started maxing reps at the gym before or after her funeral?

You need a new hobby and to take up yoga, my guy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

EnLiteEndOne said:


> JFC, the advice, assumptions, and bickering you people can pull off is mind-blowing. Even more so from the high-horses some of you are spewing it from.
> 
> OP is a individual with her own ability to refrain from sexual urges and/or defend against them.
> 
> ...


Enlightened one..... lol

the OP’s SO has a huge problem with it. Many of us less enlightened ones would agree that he should have a problem with it. Is OP the only friend this guy has in the world to comfort him. If so, red flag for that relationship.
Why does OP think she is the only person that can comfort him? Red flag in her part.

When one man needs a TAKEN woman to comfort him and be HIS rock of Gibraltar..... there’s a problem. And all your “enlightened” nonsense doesn’t change that.

I disagree with your conclusions.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

EnLiteEndOne said:


> Do you think he got on Tinder and started maxing reps at the gym before or after her funeral?
> 
> You need a new hobby and to take up yoga, my guy.


Apparently he called up a woman that lives cross country and wanted her to come stay with him and “console” him.


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## EnLiteEndOne (Aug 23, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Enlightened one..... lol
> 
> the OP’s SO has a huge problem with it. Many of us less enlightened ones would agree that he should have a problem with it. Is OP the only friend this guy has in the world to comfort him. If so, red flag for that relationship.
> Why does OP think she is the only person that can comfort him? Red flag in her part.
> ...


You do you, but from my perspective it appears you're more interested in having your own, rather inflexible, opinions on relationships validated by other members than actually understanding and empathizing with the individual looking for advice. If you were truly confident in your faux-counseling recommendations I'd think you'd spend the greater portion of time and energy accurately addressing the OP with care and empathy. Instead you rack up post after post trying to convince other non-vested parties of your advice.


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## EnLiteEndOne (Aug 23, 2021)

You're not serious here, are you?

Do you understand how the dynamics of a friendship work? 

I'm sorry for whatever woman scorned you in the past but the scars it left is permeating your objectivity.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

*Op is banned, most likely for trolling.

Game over.*


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## Kyme75 (Feb 14, 2021)

I just want to start by saying, I feel you, I am on your side and only commenting in an attempt to try to give you what you were looking for when creating this post. 

And this may get a bit long, it deserves the attention.

Previously I was in the situation where I kept fighting for a relationship, to my physical determent and emotional demise. In the end, my regret is letting his temper silence me. I allowed his emotions be more important than mine. 

I've currently been with my husband for 16 years, and fights happen. Sometimes we miscommunicate to the extent that we stubbornly dismiss care of each other's perspective and replace it with a selfish determination to be heard first/bigger/more than the other. This regretful behavior can even feel deserving and entitled in the throws of it. I often think that if someone would have drilled into us the importance of communicating the stress we feel inside and to never assume that our partners "just know", merely because of a belief that we experience life through the same lens. I use to believe I would be adding to his stress if I verbalized mine. I learned (through fights) that this would often leave him feeling as though I left him to carry the burden and resolve the life struggle we were experiencing, alone, as if I was uninvested without care.

I believe that you know your SO. You know his irrational display of anger was so completely misdirected that it left you scrambling to make sense of it. I would suspect he also has a risidual awareness of the straws he grasped at, for his own understanding and yours, of his initial emotional response, when discovering the text. To say that it was just insecurity would be hard. Even in the reality of likelihood that being the trigger, he trusts you. What is missing is the stress and that the other stress, on top of that last stressor you two are experiencing, of course a person would feel they just don't have room to deal with the next obstacle. We all have a tipping point and often it comes to fruition in untimely moments. It's the bad timing that creates the dynamic that we can retrospectively dissect the experience and grow from it.

I don't believe you did anything wrong, you made no choice to consciously disrespect your boyfriend. My only advice is, if your trigger response in the future leaves you with the tinyest concern of how it could be perceived, immediately let him know. 

Communication is the most difficult hurdle in loving someone and preserving that love. Us humans, were not cut like paper dolls, it's preposterous to believe that we can, by design, have understanding to another's scars, without their experience that created them. I seriously would have dismissed this concept before, but thankfully this ever evolving life keeps putting me in the position to have to change myself too.

That being said, from hear on out, you fight for your happiness on the same playing field as his. You want this, you want him, you can't let his emotion be bigger than yours, insist on this, you deserve it. I don't care if you are more capable of seeing through reaction and use that reasoning to placate out of exhaustion. I promise you, you will create for yourself more grounds to be really seen when you need to be. (I would love to give you more understanding of this, but as long as this post is I am not confident you're still reading this lol)


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## Kyme75 (Feb 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Enlightened one..... lol
> 
> the OP’s SO has a huge problem with it. Many of us less enlightened ones would agree that he should have a problem with it. Is OP the only friend this guy has in the world to comfort him. If so, red flag for that relationship.
> Why does OP think she is the only person that can comfort him? Red flag in her part.
> ...



As much as I was beginning to enjoy the camaraderie between EnLiteEndOne and yourself (love a healthy debate). I had to jump in because, as a woman, I am highly offended with this response. I am not one who thinks it's smart to assume, but I'm finding it difficult to not go on the assumption that there is a lady out there that is justified in the heartache she left you with.

Please try, if you can, help me understand the reasoning that the OP should have issue with this insinuation that she is not capable of being aware of the intentions of a man, a man she has a long standing friendship with!? And why, if the man actually has these one track thoughts of subduction in his grief, is any reason to dismiss her very good natured ones!? AND why the friend, who happens to be male is the catalyst that it's okay to so blatantly accuse her of being unable to still be deserving of trust!? 
Is this because a woman is not capable of having a mind of her own? Are we insanely constructed by design that men can easily make us cheat if they choose? Should my husband never leave my side because y'all are this dangerous to my kind? OR is this thought process come from your inability to interact with a person of the opposite sex without only seeing a f*** hole? Which brings me all the way too, how consistently did you disrespect your ex woman by chasing away her girlfriends with your deviant behavior towards them? 
Do you think you're capable of spending any time with a female with out sexual intent? Do you have a mother? A sister? Any woman in your life that you aware is equipped with the moxy to defend herself from this apparent, terrifying, superpower men have?


Anyway... I made a lengthy comment, if you get through it, I really hope it helps you consider a different perspective, or simply equips you with the possiblity that maybe, just maybe, a person should not confidently assume the BF so "obviously" thinks his gal is going to be an intentional victim to her friends long play to score.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Deleted!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree that behavior is pretty wild. I had a fiancee that did something similar. I don’t know whether he really was stewing about this and pulled a volcano or what. “I don’t condone, but I understand it”.
> 
> A quote of hers I noticed was they argued 3 or 4 hours, including “time outs”. If he’s mature enough and has self control enough to do A time out in an argument, I just have to wonder if OP just made him do miserable that he just felt sick and felt it was her fault and needed some relief. And a man gets red faced and angry and has veins bulging sometimes. *She didn’t say he beat her or yelled although I’ll bet he did yell. It happens.*
> 
> ...


My former H yelled too. He also name called, put me down, insulted me and pretty much diminished me as a person for hours during an argument (of which happened every. single. weekend). TBH, I'd have rather had the snot beat out of me because at least those bruises would heal; it takes years sometimes to heal the emotional wounds. I do agree that some are stronger than others and everyone has their own limit of pain. Second bold: doesn't really matter who breaks up with who; they need to be done. I can see why he'd be ticked at her, and I can also see why she'd be hurt by his behaviour.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> But he’s not a bisexual female, he’s her ex boyfriend.


He's not though; it's clearly been stated that they're friends only. Yes, they kissed once years ago. Just because you smooch someone once doesn't mean you're in an automatic relationship.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

pastasauce79 said:


> I wouldn't like my husband flying to California to comfort a female friend he kissed once. I don't think he'd like me going and comfort a male friend. Now a days you can comfort someone by phone, video call, text messages, etc. Unless you and him want physical contact, which to me, is a red flag. I could end a relationship because of it.
> 
> I remember ending relationships because my ex boyfriends showed controlling behaviors. I wouldn't have married my husband if he had issues with me going out with my female friends.
> 
> ...


I agree with this post. Pour the foundation within your own relationship first, then worry about the home you guys are building. Personally, I also would head for the hills, but it's your choice to either stay or not. If you choose to stay, get individual therapy and couples counselling to improve your communication. That was also the main road block in my former marriage, and it was something we tried to fix on our own, and then I ended it. If you stay, fix this before it gets worse. I'm sorry you're in this situation.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Ursula said:


> He's not though; it's clearly been stated that they're friends only. Yes, they kissed once years ago. Just because you smooch someone once doesn't mean you're in an automatic relationship.


Disagree. There's an attraction there. It's inappropriate of her to go fly there, it would bother me- but I wouldn't respond the way he did that's for sure.He's way over the top.

So there's two seprate issues here- they've both got work to do on themselves but first there's gotta be accountability and it doesn't seem to be present on either side.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Penelope33 said:


> You know what I've realized through all of this? (and I already typed this message a little more eloquently but lost the entire thing to some computer glitch so now I'm just summarizing myself..)
> 
> This forum format has been a huge emotional drain when I already have enough of that going on. What was I thinking, that a bunch of total strangers who have absolutely NO IDEA of the specific circumstances and dynamics of this situation would be able to offer any meaningful solutions? And when they have absolutely no idea, they fill in the blanks and make things up, usually the most awful things they can think of.
> 
> ...


Wow, well I'm really sorry that you think of all of us as "assholes", even if we were trying to help and get you to see a different perspective. I had a similar frustrating experience when I first joined here and felt ganged up on. That was a few years ago, and I've stuck around, listened to the advice and learned to consider more sides to a situation than the only one that I can see off the bat. I wish you luck, and hope that you have a happy future.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Trident said:


> Disagree. There's an attraction there. It's inappropriate of her to go fly there, it would bother me- but I wouldn't respond the way he did that's for sure.He's over the top.
> 
> So there's two seprate issues here- they've both got work to do on themselves but first there's gotta be accountability and it doesn't seem to be present on either side.


Oh I agree about the accountability, and I would also like to add the word "immaturity" too. What I don't agree with is kissing someone once and suddenly he's your boyfriend. That's not how I see it at all, but that's just my opinion.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I feel my thoughts are being invalidated. That I must capitulate and accept that it’s ok for my hypothetical girlfriend or wife to go console, privately, one on one, another man and that
Either I trust her or I’m a control freak.

I feel like I’m being controlled and forced to think a certain way.😭

I still think it’s inappropriate and you’re expecting the hypothetical OP’s boyfriend to trust his gf with a man he doesn’t even know.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I feel my thoughts are being invalidated. That I must capitulate and accept that it’s ok for my hypothetical girlfriend or wife to go console, privately, one on one, another man and that
> Either I trust her or I’m a control freak.
> 
> I feel like I’m being controlled and forced to think a certain way.😭
> ...


I think this may be tounge in cheek but I'll be cheeky and respond.

1st I think given your beliefs you wouldn't keep OP around for five years know she had a male friend before you that she kept for said 5 years. 

That is one of your boundaries. It would have been crossed early and the incopatiblility dealt with. Second Other than this post I don't think you've ever thrown a hissy fit. Have you used hunting as an excuse why said girlfriend can't travel? Would yell and wake people up in the middle of the night? 

It isn't that it's a boundary. It's that he should have expressed it earlier. He should be able to express it as an adult. He shouldn't throw stuff out he doesn't mean just to try to 'get her in line'. He hasn't proposed in 5 years he wasn't going to in the next few days. He can hunt without her being present waiting for him to return.

They both have lots of things to unpack and their relationship doesn't sound healthy. So maybe they are perfect for each other.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I haven’t ever had a girlfriend or wife that did this to me. My ex got online and cheated with multiple guys, none that she knew previously that I know of. Just married guys (her words) that likes to sext with her. It was never physical according to her! 😂
So this doesn’t trigger me.

All I can say is if my SO needs to hang out regularly or have overnight stays with maLe friends or have male friends she needs to travel cross country to “Console”, I’m out.
I don’t do these things and don’t expect it if my partner.


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