# Gave up myself?



## Zilli (Oct 22, 2011)

I just need some good honest advice. My husband and I have been married just shy of a year now and together about 4 years. We started dating during my sophomore year of college and had a long distance relationship because of him being in the military until I graduated last year in May. I moved in with him a few weeks after my graduation and we got married in November. 

Long story short I completely dedicated myself to our relationship for the years we were apart. I would stay home so we could talk on the phone and internet, I wouldn't go out, and would fly out to see him as often as I could. My life became focused around him and our relationship. I gradually became less and less of the girl I once was and became more of the girl I think he wanted me to be. About two years ago we had problems. He cheated and was talking to several different girls at the same time while I was still at school. It hasn't happened since, however from time to time it will still bothers me. We have a pretty good marriage and I know he loves me, but my feelings have significantly changed since I came out to be with him. 

So here I am, almost a year into our marriage, and I am finding myself to be extremely unhappy. I have no sense of who I am or what I want and that bothers me. A lot. He will be getting out of the military soon and wants to attend school to get his degree. So, yet again, I'm packing myself up to follow him instead of chasing what I had once wanted for myself. Everyday is a struggle for me. I constantly cry and look at myself wondering where the girl that I was proud to be gone to. I don't like the woman I have become and I just feel so completely lost. I honestly don't know if he is good for me or not. 

I just need some honest good advice. My unhappiness is killing me. Thanks for reading.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Zilli said:


> I just need some good honest advice. My husband and I have been married just shy of a year now and together about 4 years. We started dating during my sophomore year of college and had a long distance relationship because of him being in the military until I graduated last year in May. I moved in with him a few weeks after my graduation and we got married in November.
> 
> Long story short I completely dedicated myself to our relationship for the years we were apart. I would stay home so we could talk on the phone and internet, I wouldn't go out, and would fly out to see him as often as I could. My life became focused around him and our relationship. I gradually became less and less of the girl I once was and became more of the girl I think he wanted me to be. About two years ago we had problems. He cheated and was talking to several different girls at the same time while I was still at school. It hasn't happened since, however from time to time it will still bothers me. We have a pretty good marriage and I know he loves me, but my feelings have significantly changed since I came out to be with him.
> 
> ...


I can understand completely how you feel... the only difference was there was never any infidelity and I was the 'trailing' wife for 20+ years. My H was consummed with his career, and I fully supported him in his pursuits, and I was fed a line year in and year out, that we would get to a place in his career where he felt stable and I would have my opportunity to pursue mine to the fullest. I have 2 bachelor's degrees and had great dreams of fulfilling my career dreams. Well.. long story short... H was never ever completely satisfied with his career status, even though he is one of the top professionals in his field nation wide. His mistress was the thrill of the chase of a new project. Our marriage was about #26 on his list of priorities. I finally got fed up, salvaged some sort of job remotely close to my career dream, and I have now gone back to school to upgrade all my skills so that I can start my career by the time I am 46yrs old!! I trusted my husband to fulfill his promises to me, but he never did... so I had to put my foot down... none of my words ever sunk in, my efforts with him in the home were always sabbotaged, but it took the figurative mule kick to his head and I asked him to leave. NOW THAT WOKE HIM UP!! Through 9 months of MC, and both of us in individual IC, we are back together, and now he realizes that the marriage is first and foremost, and I rightly deserve to pursue my hearts dream within the marriage as what I thought we had planned all those years ago. What I did was sacrificial love, I did everything for him and the children and in the process, my 'self' was eroded away. 

I have rebuilt myself... new and improved... and much wiser... please do not neglect yourself...keep yourself whole and fulfilled with full consideration of your marriage as well. Don't let yourself waste away. Neither his nor your career goals should be sacrificed... each of your dreams are equally important!


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