# I ruined our marriage, and I am NOT the cheater. :(



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

My H was the one that had inappropriate friendships with female coworkers. I was the faithful wife. While I don't admit to being a perfect spouse, I tried with what I knew. I was never given a chance to make sure his needs were met. He shut me out. This was almost 4 years ago. We worked through it, had another child, but I never let it go. Now, I'm paying the price.

Please, for those of you that are the loyal spouse, let it go. If you choose to forgive, you must move forward. I thought I had done that, of course easier said than done. But I've been pushing him away all this time. And now, when I've realized that I'm not trusting him because he can't trust me to believe him, that I've lost it all. I think he's done. I told him last night that I was letting it all go and that it was unfair of me to hang this over his head and torture us both with it. I burned the copies of the emails in front of him and told him that I loved him too much to lose him and I'd rather lose the act, the hurt, the pain. But it's too late. 

Not sure what will be waiting for me when I get home. I think he'll be gone to his parent's house. It hurts. I'm being shut out. I said those things to him, and he responded by saying he needed a break from this all because he has no fight left in him. Then he left to get food and call his friend, and I'm left to cry myself to sleep. Then he slept on the couch (which he never does). He's off today, so plenty of time to think. No calls, no texts, no e-mail responses to the one I sent in the middle of the night. I'm being shut out. And it hurts. I wish I could go back.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Half the battle is admitting that you played part in the problem you now have. You have done that.

Now if you really want to save the marriage, fight for it. No sleeping apart. Discuss the issues. get counseling. 

You don't want to end this unless you feel you have tried everything you could to save it.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

only if the other party wants it. sorry but the truth


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Half the battle is admitting that you played part in the problem you now have. You have done that.
> 
> Now if you really want to save the marriage, fight for it. No sleeping apart. Discuss the issues. get counseling.
> 
> You don't want to end this unless you feel you have tried everything you could to save it.


I agree. 

He's not going to believe your words when you've been doing the opposite for so long. Show him you've changed through your actions.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> Half the battle is admitting that you played part in the problem you now have. You have done that.
> 
> Now if you really want to save the marriage, fight for it. No sleeping apart. Discuss the issues. get counseling.
> 
> You don't want to end this unless you feel you have tried everything you could to save it.


Thanks for your response. He didn't take our daughter to daycare today, he texted to tell me that. He also replied to the e-mail I sent. It's all about how he can't believe that I've just decided to let it go, and it hurts that he feels like he can never make me happy. He does want to save us, he just doesn't know how and is afraid of failure. Plain and simple, that's what it boils down to.



WhereAmI said:


> I agree.
> 
> He's not going to believe your words when you've been doing the opposite for so long. Show him you've changed through your actions.


I fully understand that. Just like I didn't believe his words. He doesn't believe my realization. He thinks it's a trick to get him to jump in with both feet. I told him I didn't want a vow renewal, I just wanted him to agree to counseling so we could change this cycle. We love each other very much. I don't doubt that. That's why this is so hard. He hates himself, and it's MY fault.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You didn't deal with your feelings and the things that happened, now they are dealing with you. and him. and your kids. likely your friends and your family. You charged up a huge tab on your emotional credit account for a longtime... that card has a HUGE interest rate. Now your bill is due. Buckle down, stop charging on it... and hope to chip away at the balance.


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## tierzastarr (Jan 28, 2011)

I've read your other posts about him doing things you dont like. And personally I think he's having another affair. And know with him leaving to stay somewhere else, keep your guard up and keep watch.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

tierzastarr said:


> I've read your other posts about him doing things you dont like. And personally I think he's having another affair. And know with him leaving to stay somewhere else, keep your guard up and keep watch.


No, I really don't think he is. I know in my heart he wouldn't. And the girl of concern is 3,000 miles away. While I realize that he could be having an EA, I don't think so. He swears he hasn't even said anything about our relationship. And they don't talk that often. He knows better to let it get out of hand. However, she IS overstepping boundaries. I'm probably going to have to call her and put her in her place.


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