# Wedding Anniversary



## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

July 1 will be our 4th wedding anniversary and the 1st since I found out about his EA..I really don't feel married last year at this time he was looking to spend as much time with the ow,talking to a lawyer about divorce, and he moved out for a day after our anniversary.I not as hurt as I was when i first found out I am numb most of the time and try not to think about it. When I say anything to him he says he made the mistake and will have to live with it to please just let it drop and move on. So how do I do that? I have always hated cheaters and he knows this now am married to one..It seems when I hear about cheaters all I can really think about is what he did to me and get upset all over again..I hate this. I am trying to work things out but I feel like I am lossing myself while doing it.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

everytime you run into something that is a "trigger" for his EA, you need to acknowledge that it happened in the past, is not longer happening, you are working to move forward, doesn't deserve the energy it takes to be upset and think about something good your H has done recently.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You don't.

Any expert on affairs will tell you that just "dropping it" to save the offender discomfort is a bunch of selfish nonsense.

You should visit Peggy Vaughn's site, DearPeggy.com - Extramarital Affairs Resource Center for help. You deserve better treatment than you are getting and you will need to learn how to express yourself to make him accountable and responsible.

Best,

Lyn


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Similar. 
I'm married many years, and found out with his last EA (unless there's more) about another one earlier as well. I hate my wedding anniversary now - consider that I have been legally contracted as married for that many years, but actually have been emotionally married far fewer - the first few, and now perhaps the last few as we recoperate. Not sure I'm ready for a 'renewing of vows' because he's clearly not a take a vow seriously kind of guy - but I hope I someday feel I can trust him enough to go there - then THAT is the anniversary I'll emotionally celebrate. For now, yeah, not to so much liking the anniversary.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I have a problem with anniversary celebrations after an affair as well, there really isn't a vow anymore since our partners did not forsake all others.....I'm trying to just start over with the count down which is tough after 20 some odd years......
It's all a shame when you are putting your marriage back together .......I often think to myself what was all this pain for if what happened isn't even going to be a reality.....why put a marriage and a family through all this?
It all seems pointless and unneccessary in the big picture of life, now I live without trust and a belief system in my husband and he lives his life trying to make me believe it will never happen again and that there isn't any contact with the Ow anymore because I doubt him now.....now when his phone buzzes with a message we both know that the doubt is back for a second.....
It's such an uncomfortable place to be in a marriage, I'm hoping in time things get less and less and that our wedding anniversary can come and go without all the triggers of little our marriage vows meant to him.......


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

I was so depressed about the rupture of our vows that I couldn't wear my ring. My husband noticed it and asked me why and I said that it signified broken vows to me and so he bought me a different ring.

The way your vows will be restored is by his actions. He broke your heart, he is the one who should heal it with love, consideration, acting as though you are his world and he almost lost you, according to the experts I've read. It has worked for us.

Best,

Lyn


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## mrsbroken (Sep 23, 2009)

Thanks everyone glad I am not alone. I love my hubby just not like I use too! I feel bad about not wanting to do anything for our annv.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

mrsbroken said:


> Thanks everyone glad I am not alone. I love my hubby just not like I use too! I feel bad about not wanting to do anything for our annv.


Well, you are hurt and angry. You are human. 

Lyn


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

mrsbroken said:


> July 1 will be our 4th wedding anniversary and the 1st since I found out about his EA..I really don't feel married ... When I say anything to him he says he made the mistake and will have to live with it to please just let it drop and move on. ... I am trying to work things out but I feel like I am lossing myself while doing it.


Mrsbroken~

Here's what I think part of the issue is. When there is infidelity there are two steps: 1) End the affair and 2) Rebuild a healthy marriage. 

What often happens (and sounds like it may be happening with you and your hubby) is that the disloyal is fairly ashamed of what they did and they want to "move forward" and put it behind them without addressing what happened, why, and how to avoid it in the future. Thus, since the disloyal has no idea what love extinguishers they were doing to you, nor have they told you the love extinguishers you did to them....the couple will often "return to the way it was" which is what lead to an affair in the first place!

In order to survive infidelity and come out the other side with a stronger, healthier marriage, you don't "ignore it" and call that moving on because that's not moving on at all. "Moving on" would be him comforting you and reassuring you--and you looking to the future (not the past) and not holding it over his head. True. But it's also examining your personality types to look for where you might have weaknesses. It's also going over Love Kindlers so you can tell him and he can tell you what really makes love blaze in your hearts. It's also going over Love Extinguishers so you can both honestly tell each other, "This is what you do that puts out the flame of love in my heart" and then work to not do that each other! It's also looking into things like Love Languages so he's not saying "I Love You" to you in a language you just don't hear!

Now mrsbroken, I know you as a human being have a bit of a difficult time letting go of the past--and in a way it would probably be easier if he showed some remorse and reassurance--so I would suggest two things. #1) If you need some remorse or reassurance, ask for it! Hey he can't read your mind so ask for (respectfully request) what you need. #2) The affair already "took" your anniversary last year and I would not let the affair have even one more minute of your time. It can't have the time if you won't give it! So I suggest that you find a way to CLAIM this day as yours! You don't have to be all romantic and make passionate love--but do something that from this day forward sets this day apart as DEFINITELY YOU. 

Is there some hobby or recreation that you and your hubby both love to do? For example, my Dear Hubby and I love car shows, love to camp, and love to travel. So if your hobby was let's say camping...take July 1st and 2nd off and take him camping! Like I said, it doesn't have to be utterly romantic but pick one thing that both of you really enjoy, and have the goal of the day be that you two fall asleep cuddled up thinking, "Wow that was a fun day!" Just having some fun together will bring you two a lot closer.


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## cantclearhead (May 1, 2010)

mrsbroken I found out one week before my 40th anniv..that my wife was having an affair..It was in May ..We definitely skipped this one but if we make it till next May which I believe we will we are working hard at it Then I will consider it our one year anniversary because whats really in a number...Make it work


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