# Help manning up



## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

Ok, so my issue is that I don't man up when I need to. I'm most of the way through the book No More Mr Nice Guy and I think it's helping and I see myself in a lot of the examples in the book. I have actually had the confidence to be there for my wife once or twice since I started reading it over the last week (not a very fast reader).

The issue is that when we have any issues (usually related to sex or my lack of empathy) I shut down. Then she will get very upset (because this has gone on for 8 years) and then I slink away with my tail between my legs instead of being a man and being there for her.


We both know that these are the issues and I'm really working on it.

I'm not really sure why I'm posting it as I'm not sure what my question is. Anyone have any insight?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Losing said:


> Ok, so my issue is that I don't man up when I need to. I'm most of the way through the book No More Mr Nice Guy and I think it's helping and I see myself in a lot of the examples in the book. I have actually had the confidence to be there for my wife once or twice since I started reading it over the last week (not a very fast reader).
> 
> The issue is that when we have any issues (usually related to sex or my lack of empathy) I shut down. Then she will get very upset (because this has gone on for 8 years) and then I slink away with my tail between my legs instead of being a man and being there for her.
> 
> ...


What issues are you having with sex (or lack thereof?)?


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What issues are you having with sex (or lack thereof?)?


I never initiated ever really because I didn't know how. Sad I know. Really had very little experience before her. When we dated we had sex all the time and it was amazing but she always just jumped me so I never learned how to initiate.

When she stopped and got sick of that we just basically never had sex. 

Now by not initiating sex ever I've made her feel unwanted. It's to a point where if I do try it's uncomfortable for her, then I'll have performance anxiety. It's quite the mess really.

The other night she woke me up for sex at 2am. I woke up to her touching me and had me ready to go so we just went to it. I was thinking so much about trying to please her that I lost my erection and got embarassed and stopped altogether. THat's happened too many times too. She hates that I stop but I do.

Then to make matters worse, I left the room when she got upset. Like a dog with my tail between my legs I left. I've done that too many times too. 

When she tells me to leave I listen even though I know it isn't what she wants and it's not going to help matters at all.

I have a long road ahead for manning up...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Losing,

When you overthink stuff, that can happen.

Do you think she's sexy? And, by this, I'm asking do you have a video reel in your head of times you've looked at her and just thought about how totally hot she is and what you'd like to do to her?


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Losing,
> 
> When you overthink stuff, that can happen.
> 
> Do you think she's sexy? And, by this, I'm asking do you have a video reel in your head of times you've looked at her and just thought about how totally hot she is and what you'd like to do to her?


Oh my god yes. She is the sexiest woman I have ever seen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

Confidence when it counts is what I need more of and I'm working on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Losing said:


> Oh my god yes. She is the sexiest woman I have ever seen
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Instead of thinking about your orgasm, focus instead on those mental images you have of how hot she is. And, think about how you felt as you were desiring her in that way. Clear your mind of everything else.

I could describe some of the visual images I have of my wife.

They never get old. In fact, I think they "improve" through the years. There's this one where she was sitting by the pool...


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## WalkingInLight (Aug 14, 2012)

Losing said:


> Confidence when it counts is what I need more of and I'm working on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you read the book, "Hold on to Your N.U.T.s?" You'll probably find that more helpful than what you are currently reading.

Best of luck!


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## Losing (Jul 30, 2012)

WalkingInLight said:


> Have you read the book, "Hold on to Your N.U.T.s?" You'll probably find that more helpful than what you are currently reading.
> 
> Best of luck!


That book is next on my list actually! Thank you for the recommendation.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Take some saw palmetto, and ZMA, see if that changes anything.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Try some of these for initiating--but realize you are initiating throughout the day. By the time you get to private time you want your tumble to be a foregone conclusion.

Start in the morning:
Wrap your arms around her from behind while she is pouring her coffee and kiss the back of her neck.
Sneak a peak at her while she is getting ready and react as though she is smoking hot.
Touch her face when you kiss her goodbye and go to work.
Send her a mid morning text just to say you are thinking of her. Start as texting 101 and become more provocative.
Handle one of her issues/school stuff/kid stuff just to help and glide through it/make it look easy.
Tell her what the dinner plans are and that you have it all lined up with kids/couple guests and have it be whatever you like/choose.
Call her in advance of challenging things in her day and tell her she'll be great.
After work, ask her about her day and truly listen to what she offers and show interest so she expands.
Manage getting the kids situated prior to exhaustion.
Play some music, have a glass of wine and compliment her beauty.
Offer her a relaxing massage--don't overlook the feet
Whisper to her while you work her shoulders and back

Relax and enjoy yourself. There is no report card. She wants to feel loved and cherished and that is attitude more than performance.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Maybe you’re thinking sex is all about penetration? And that’s why you get performance anxiety at the thought of having sex?

You’ve something massively good on your side and that is your wife is the sexiest woman you have ever seen. My wife was a truly beautiful and desirable. For me for over 4 decades it was quite literally to see her is to want her. It’s one of the reasons why I wont see her now we’ve separated. I know I will want her and we’re just not good together anymore in other essential ways.

But what for you to do? Be like me and never feel ashamed of wanting to see and desire your wife’s body. Quite literally play with it and massage it. Watch her while your doing it and you’ll start to find her erogenous zones, those parts she finds most pleasure when they’re caressed and massaged. One of my wife’s were her shoulders, she’d literally melt and go submissive when I manipulated them in a gentle way. Another was her throat.

Get yourself some massage oils, candles and incense. Try and get her somewhere at waist height that you can walk around and just seek to give her pleasure by massaging her. Believe me the rest will come natural to you and you’ll both have a very pleasurable time.

Think pleasuring your wife and derive your pleasure from that. Read up on it, learn together in the sanctity of marriage and become experts at giving one another pleasure.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I was thinking so much about trying to please her


If you're having performance issues you shouldn't be concentrating on pleasing HER. You should be reminding your body how much fun it is to tap that... when you get more comfortable with your own performance you can begin to study ways of pleasing her without losing excitement.


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