# Porn before having sex with wife



## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

"Need to watch porn to be aroused enough to have sex with the wife" 

what do you think of this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chiben (Jun 26, 2012)

Thats weird. I understand using porn to get aroused but "need" is a different issue. Can you get aroused without porn?


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## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

Sorry, started this thread 10mins ago and already feel guilty about misleading the kind people at TOM.

No I just need my wife to get aroused!

My wife is obsessed with her porn and we basically have a sex less marriage. Lots of people suggest to me and other men with the same issue to start 'role playing' these characters she lusts after. I find that humiliating, she doesn't want sex with me so I should pretend to be someone else?? Maybe I'm to sensitive or just plain lack of self-esteem but couldn't do this.

Wanted to see if the roles were reversed if people would suggest the same thing, wife pretending to be a specific porn star just to get me interested in her? Sounds cruel
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

So she doesn't get turned on unless she watches porn first?? At all??


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> . I find that humiliating, she doesn't want sex with me so I should pretend to be someone else??


You're not pretending to be someone else. You're pretending you're a different you. A brave fireman, o police officer, a doctor, an arabian sheik... Whatever rocks her boat. 

Don't you have fantasies of your own? Ask her to reciprocate. In a marriage you have to find ways to break the routine and each couple finds their own stuff. 

Get over it. That role play stuff is actually a lot of fun.


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## Dan Carruthers (Jul 14, 2012)

Around 90% of the women get turned on as they watch porn.( British Survey Report)

but, your wife's case seems extreme, can result in wayward life styles ..

She needs to cut down her porn watching and get over it, for a good life together.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

The porn needs to stop, but role playing and fantasy can be fun, as long as you are focused on each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

costa200 said:


> You're not pretending to be someone else. You're pretending you're a different you. A brave fireman, o police officer, a doctor, an arabian sheik... Whatever rocks her boat.
> 
> Don't you have fantasies of your own? Ask her to reciprocate. In a marriage you have to find ways to break the routine and each couple finds their own stuff.
> 
> Get over it. That role play stuff is actually a lot of fun.


When you're always pretending to be someone you watch in a porn video (which it sounds like is happening) is it really fantasy, or her means of acting out what she just watched? I'd take that as her wanting the man in the video, not her wanting me.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

How long has she been like this? Sounds like she has built a co-dependency on porn and mentally needs it to get aroused.

She needs to stop watching porn for a while. Its gonna take some time but she can learn to once again be aroused without it. 

Don't say anything about it to her...try this first and see if it works. The porn could be all mental and maybe all she really require is some romance.

Try some hardcore heavy romancing. Cook her a candle light dinner, go for a walk holding hands, rent a romanticly spicy movie....all night long tell her how gorgeous she is and how incredibly lucky you are to have her. Tell her that you are so in love with her. Be sure to keep hugging her and kissing her...kiss her on the forehead as you hug her. Hold her hand and keep your arms around her all night. Rub her feet.

Things like this can set a great mood for some lovin.

Good luck!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Let me offer a different perspective.

Around ten years ago I became very ill, and it took me a number of months to recover physically. In the meantime, I became depressed and eventually sought treatment, which included an AD. Impacted my libido like you would expect. My wife (who during the good times didn't seem that interested in sex, but that's another topic), expressed concern that I wasn't initiating nearly as often. 

Since my depression stemmed from my inability to care care of home and work stuff during my illness, this cued a mini-crisis for me. Wanting to be able to "take care of business" in the bedroom as well as elsewhere, I started watching porn to get primed. It was a lousy way to deal with it, but I wasn't thinking clearly.

All that to ask: is your wife on AD's?


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## Tubes (Jan 9, 2012)

Thanks for all the responses. 
My wife doesn't say or insists on watching porn before sex, I just notice her intake increases (computer history) drastically just before the very rare instance she is interested in sex with me. 



costa200 said:


> You're not pretending to be someone else. You're pretending you're a different you. A brave fireman, or police officer, a doctor, an arabian sheik... Whatever rocks her boat.
> ....
> Get over it. That role play stuff is actually a lot of fun.


Absolutely right, I do need to 'get over it', I'm trying to work on myself esteem to help. I guess my problem is that I don't feel normal when it comes to this subject so I can't relate. I've never been one to focus on a stars or celebrity in this way, I may think they are hot but that's it. Unlike my wife who obsesses on them, she must watch every interview, magazine entry, you tube clip, movie, show and then read porn stories on fan fiction sites about them.
If I consume porn it's for the purpose of getting off when my wife is unwilling. Celebrity, I couldn't care less, don't watch movies just because a hot actress is in it.

As for role playing, even though Its not my thing I would go along with pretending to be a police officer or fireman if that helps. The issue is that my wife's porn is fanfic and it's focus is specific actors and all the roles they play. It's one thing to pretend to be 'Tubes the fireman' but completely different to pretend to be another man!
(BTW - She has never asked for this and I have nothing in common with the men she pines after) - ya, I know should work on that LOL.



kingsfan said:


> When you're always pretending to be someone you watch in a porn video (which it sounds like is happening) is it really fantasy, or her means of acting out what she just watched? I'd take that as her wanting the man in the video, not her wanting me.


She may be fantasizing about these other men but nothing to that effect is said in bed. Just hurts that she need to 'prime' herself with other men to tolerate sex with me.


GTdad said:


> .....
> All that to ask: is your wife on AD's?


Nope, not on anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ukf32 (Jul 10, 2012)

Have you thought that maybe she doesn't watch porn in order to have sex with you but that she just likes to watch it (from what you've said about the porn she chooses that seems likely) and a by-product of that is that it makes her horny and she wants to have sex?

On a side note- I think porn is a very useful tool but I also think it can be detrimental to a healthy sex life. Porn is rarely an accurate reflection of real bedroom action and personally I think it has the capacity to warp people's expectations. Certain things become normalised which perhaps are better seen as something to experiment or do once in a while. Can lead to some dis-satisfaction to both parties I think. (Sounds like I'm a anti-porn prude which is really not the case!)


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Could be simply "doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home" meaning sometimes (maybe just before her period) she is hornier and looks at porn once in a while. Which gets her really excited, and she seeks you out. At least she does still get interested?

But yeah, it's not the I love you interest. It's hormones. 

How often do you initiate sex, and it's hormones.. .you are horny?

Sometimes it's an emotional connection we are seeking, sometimes it's just well, hormones. 

What do you wish to change about the situation?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Tubes said:


> "Need to watch porn to be aroused enough to have sex with the wife"
> 
> what do you think of this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think I would be extremely unhappy and hurt with this situation if I were the wife, and it wouldn't be conducive to creating more intimacy/sex in the relationship. 

A wife (and a husband too) wants their spouse to desire THEM.

I think if there is this kind of situation in a marriage, then it means that there may be something off in the marriage that needs to be addressed - finding out WHY the spouse cannot be aroused without this aid.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Tubes said:


> Thanks for all the responses.
> My wife doesn't say or insists on watching porn before sex, I just notice her intake increases (computer history) drastically just before the very rare instance she is interested in sex with me.
> 
> 
> ...


Have you actually talked to your wife about all of this? I fail to see why YOU should change when your wife wants nothing to do with you unless she's watching a bunch of porn. Sorry to sound insulting, I'm not trying to be, just being blunt here. 

You say you feel like she needs to "prime" herself in order to "tolerate" having sex with you. I'm not sure how you can type that, and then think you need to change and not your wife.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I disagree with "you need to get over it". Why? Because you came here with an issue that you feel you need to discuss, one that bothers you or you wouldn't be here. "Getting over it" is a way of making people feel like they need to accept something they feel is not acceptable, or settle if you will. You can tell yourself to 
"get over it" but it likely wont happen that way because you are truly bothered by this. 

My suggestion tell her you do not want her to watch porn for awhile. You initiate sex, if she is bothered by this because she didn't get to get prepped by her porn, then its time to include a third party. A therapist.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If you watch a lot of porn it takes more stimulation to get enough sexual desire to have sex with a partner. So this why why a lot of guys who like masturbating to porn but still have sex with the wife need the porn before and sometimes during partner sex.

Some men get to the point where the porn needs to be running on the TV or the computer during marital sex and some can only have sex with their wives if it is done doggy style so he doesn't have to look at his wife's face and can concentrate on the porn. If he tries another position where he can see his wife's face or she can see his.... his level of sexual desire will begin to drop because he feels distracted and he may be able to stay erect but he won't be able to have an orgasm even if the porn is running on the screen right in front of him. Usually the next step after that is a complete preference for porn and masturbation over partner sex and the marriage becomes sexless.

So I'd either quit watching the porn when you are alone or stop watching it before or during partner sex because it can get so you can't even get hard unless you are watching it.


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