# I've decided my marriage is worth saving.



## OwningUp (Jul 29, 2014)

My wife and I have been together for nearly 14 years. Married for just over 7. We've had a lot of ups and downs, maybe more than the average couple, but it's difficult to make that judgement. We've both have had problems of our own. She was co-dependant. I was self-centered.

(I'm really trying to give the short version and I am probably not doing us much justice)

In early 2010, we each started to seeing a counselor for our issues, as they started to escalate and cause more problems. Then we started seeing the counselor together. The first height of severe problems was when we separated back in the end of August of 2010 (The same day I was let go from my job at the time, to make things worse). She wanted it, I didn't. I took it very poorly and begged and did everything wrong to make her rethink things. I thought it was the end of the world. I was upset at how the status quo was changing. Insert various upset reasons here. I reluctantly relocated to my parent's house. But, she wanted things to work and after I settled down a little, a few days later, I realized I had to do something about it.

So, the separation lasted about 4 weeks, far less time than we had decided on (The trial was supposed to be 2 months) but things just felt right between each other (on both sides) again. My wife felt she has gotten over her codependency problems, and from that moment on it's still true to this day. I, however, haven't recognized I had a selfishness problem (yet).

Shortly after our reconcillation, she confessed that before our separation and during, she had cheated on me several times. I'm not saying it's my fault, but I was not an affectionate person and she didn't get the attention she needed. Again, not justifying anything, but I certainly understand why. Strangely enough, I had absolutely no problem forgiving her. I guess it was when I recognized how cold I was with her. We only had sex once every few months. One of the people she cheated with became a business partner for a venture I started. It crumbled in 2011, and we had to file for bankruptcy because he turned out to be a crook. Despite how miserable we were, we were actually quite happy together and it was amazing how well we managed to get through things.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year. We had a beautiful daughter in June of 2012 that I initially resented, and I failed to be the father she needed and I wasn't very present. But I learned to embrace the idea of being a father, even if I felt I sucked at it. This was an ongoing issue until our separation in Feburary. We've basically had it with each other. I wanted to do my own thing because my wife constantly wanted to argue about things so I didn't want to be around her (the selfish part of me), and she wanted me to make her and our daughter a priority and spend more time with them. It was a vicious cycle. She brought up the idea of a separation for an unspecified time, and I happily agreed to it. I moved out to a friend's house, because my mom is a heavy smoker and I have trouble breathing there.

This separation has been drastically different than the first one. I found myself struggling with making the decision of whether I wanted this to even be married anymore. I had a part of me say "Wouldn't being single be awesome?" A lot of my friends are and they seem to love life. I loved doing my own thing, I am quite an independent person and I seem to operate well in a self-sufficincy role. My wife and I struggled in therapy a lot. I still was working on whether I felt I wanted in or out of the marriage. I didn't make much of an effort to see her or my daughter during that time period. I was still a selfish person and I worried more about how seeing them affected my own timeframe. I spent time with them once every two weeks (once a week sometimes); we got along and everything, but I think I was distant with her. Bad thing.

Sidebar. I absolutely, positively love my daughter. SO MUCH. I always loved her since the day we found out my wife was pregnant, but I truly came to this realization when I accepted the job I have now in December of 2013 (I've struggled with finding a job on and off for a LONG time), but it was second shift so it meant I spent evenings at work instead of at home. I learned that having video chat made things a bit better and I was excited to get to do that every evening (when work allowed me time for it). But ultimately, no one ever doubted how I felt about my daughter, even my wife. It's just that I didn't make my family much of a priority. This was the #1 problem that the separation would hopefully resolve.

But, and I keep saying it, I was selfish. I did have a few moments where I spent time with them outside the normal once-a-week range, but they were very rare. One time was on a Sunday, we met for church. Went together, held hands during the service, went out to lunch afterwards before I had to go to work. My wife took a lovely picture with me and our daughter. She said that was the first time she felt things could actually work for us. I started to realize I was a selfish jerk.

Time marched on. I did not follow through with that great time we had together that Sunday, despite how right things felt. I still was unsure. My wife kept asking when I would know, and naturally I couldn't give her an answer. I couldn't give false hope, that's just not right, nor is it fair.

I had recently become connected with the church (I wasn't overly religious, my wife was far more so than I was). During this I prayed to have an answer for my wife. Then, at the end of June, I had a revelation and ephiphany. The revelation was that all problems I've caused during our marriage was due to not making my wife and daughter my #1 priority. The ephiphany I had was that I actually want that! I was thrilled and I couldn't wait to tell her how I felt at the next therapy session 4 days later.

But, two days later, my wife tells me she wants a divorce. That she doesn't feel she's in love with me anymore. I was absolutely destroyed. She told me over IM while I was at work. I just broke out crying, and tried my best to understand. She said she wanted to wait to tell me until we met at therapy but she just had to tell me then. If she had told me this not more than two-three weeks prior, I probably would have been all for it. But I realized this is worth saving, and worth fighting for. And that's where I am at now. I know people can change... But I KNOW deep down, she still feels love for me and wants us to work as husband and wife. She has told me that she built up this great big wall during our separation to guard her and my daughter, because she doens't trust me. She didn't feel I was sincere in my desire to work on us getting together again until a few days later, when she said she wished I would have fought so hard for us back then.

So here's where I am at right now. She has already scheduled an appointment with a lawyer she found online for Saturday. She wants to expedite this process, go for a no-fault, no contest and wants me to agree to waive the 2-year separation requirement to do so (we are in Illinois). I have been trying hard to have her postpone this process if not even for a bit longer to prove to her that my feelings are sincere and this is what I actually want, because I know once she can see that, she could fall in love with the man she fell IN love with so many years back. As I am typing this, I am seeing a bit of irony in the fact that I am fighting so hard for something I WANT. Of course, I want to work on us together. But this is more about me loving my wife and daughter, and wanting to make them as much as a priority as she has made me during our relationship. I want us to work. I just want a chance to prove to her I'm sincere, she initially felt this was just me in panic mode. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't panicking, but that's not the main reason of course. And if she still feels indifferent after a bit more time, I would happily honor her request to divorce. I am not sure how much time that'd require, but I figured we could establish that when the time came.

I have owned up to my mistakes, and trying to fight for what I feel as right. My daughter needs me, whether my wife and I divorce, but I want us all to be together because I love them so very much. We have a therapy session Thursday that my wife agreed to go to, so that we can discuss the whole divorce thing. I am approaching this with an open mind now, but because I need to prove to her I can listen to her. Our therapist feels it's too soon for her to come to this conclusion (a few weeks earlier she had said she wants us to work so bad). God has shown me the path I need to take and that's to stand up for our marriage. It is, to me, so worth saving and I've agreed to work on my problems and give up my selfish ways.

What can I do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Work with your MC and your wife.

And then work on yourself. Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and do what the books says to do.


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