# Thinking of leaving wife - Letter to wife



## jonmon

Hi everyone.
Please help me.
Our marriage has reached a crossroads and I do not know what to do. 
Would you please read this letter and express your thoughts to me in the hopes that I might gain some insight.
I would never give my wife this letter, but thought if I took the time to write out my feelings this way that I would be better able to express myself.

Thank you for you help.

Dear Sweetness:
I hope this letter serves to better explain my actions and behaviors towards you better than I have done recently.

Do I love you? I do not know. I know that you have many traits that I not only admire, but feel my wife must possess. You also deal with me and my emotional side better than most could I believe. You are strong and very understanding. I know how important it is to you that our marriage work out and I believe you would do everything to make work. 

I am sorry that I haven’t shown the same commitment.

I feel for all practical purposes, you are understanding and allow me the freedom to do so as I please. I can go out with friends; I have traveled without you and so on. You are very close to my family and this is clearly important. 

I do however, feel a lack of passion or desire to spend alone time with you. I do not feel like we have much to talk about, nor do we necessarily share the same interests. There are certain limitations we each have to one another’s lives. 

I genuinely feel comfortable with you and around you. I know I that I can be a difficult person to be with as I am sometimes selfish and hard on you.

My desire for adventure and fulfillment has lately been overwhelming. I do not feel like we are situated to do different things in life that are important to me. Additionally, I am concerned that what you want from life is a constant, reliable routine. Even though I have been quiet and quite agreeable to this lifestyle over the past three years, the thought of going through my life like this is crushing. I need satisfaction.
I know that having a child will officially put an end to these childhood dreams. At my present time, I can not deal with this reality. 

Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. I know that I truly care for you. It breaks my heart when you are sad. I don’t know if this is because I love you, or rather that I feel guilty about hurting you. In fact, the thought of what you would feel if I were to explain this to you is almost enough for me to entirely dismiss the idea. But deep down, there is something that is lacking and always has. I know that if I were to dismiss the notion of leaving you and committed myself to staying with you that I would grow to appreciate and depend on you as an old life partner, but I don’t know if this is what a marriage should be. 

Just because two people remain committed to one another over the years, yet one person is so obviously unsatisfied, does that make this a successful marriage? 

On one hand the idea of freeing myself from this old, crippling thought is delightful, yet on the other I fear that I would regret losing you as my partner.

I do not know what to do.


----------



## Dark Angel

From what you wrote I really do feel you might regret it.

The basics show me that your wife is loving and understanding, but perhaps not adventerous as you.

If you really want to know what we think we need to know how the two of you operated as a couple. Just because you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel doesnt mean its not necessarily there. It could just be lost in the fog right infont of both of you.

Have you discussed your feelings with her on this? Has she discussed hers?


----------



## recent_cloud

i respectfully submit my thoughts as you requested.

you and your wife are obviously not communicating and ordinarily i'd recommend couples therapy to learn how to better communicate and negotiate each other's needs and wants.

but not in your case for two reasons. 

first, your letter although couched in what i think you believe to be soft flowery language actually takes your wife's inventory harshly, and is very judgemental.

poor woman, just not living up to your expectations.

and second, this:

"Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. "

so let her go, the sooner the better so she can start healing and find a man who will love her from the inside out.

and good luck with one caveate; you say you seek adventure but you've yet to experience the amazing adventure of giving a woman all you've got and then just a little more.

and that high is beyond my vocabulary.


----------



## preso

I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.


----------



## recent_cloud

preso said:


> I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.


i had a hard time avoiding the phrase 'peter pan syndrome' and i guess now i've found it impossible.


----------



## Blonddeee

If you are having these feelings- you should talk to her or go to counseling to work through this... I wouldn't recommend a letter... it's something that she can read over and over again. If you do work things out then she would always go back to the letter and feel insecure in those things you wrote, and if it doesn't work out... she doesn't need a letter telling her how much you don't love her (yet care about her still...kinda) that could tear her apart over and over again. 
Love letters are nice, but -I don't love you letters- would really suck to get... I keep cards and letters and I would never want one of those...


----------



## dcrim

Language aside, sometimes that was the only I could get xgf to talk about something. 

They were never "negative", per se, but did make specific mention of things I felt we needed to discus. Occasionally there was a "good" one. And always loving cards and flowers. 

But she sometimes wouldn't let the conversation start (never have time, got to do this or that, etc.). 

One point in particular -- her husband died of a heart attack. I'm a few years older than her. After years of being able to discuss anything and making plans to marry someday, she seemed to become more reticent and less desirous of marrriage. I finally had to ask her (in a letter), point blank, was she afraid of me dying before her? (yes, she was)

As was suggested earlier, try counseling for yourself and ask the counselor what they think of the letter.


----------



## Mommybean

Your letter strikes me as very impersonal. It sounds almost business like in its appraisal of your wife, as well as your marriage. Do you act in this fashion to her also, or do your words just come out like that when you put them on paper? 

Honestly, if I were you, I would go talk to a therapist on your own. It sounds like you are deeply afraid of commitment, but almost just as afraid of being alone. What is it, exactly that you feel like you are missing out on by being married? It sounds as though she makes numerous concessions to your desires (you go off by yourself, travel without her, etc...), but the only concession it SOUNDS like you are making is that you stay married. Trust me, the grass is not always greener in the other pasture.


----------



## Corpuswife

I agree that your letter seems almost impersonal. I suppose it is the lack of feeling that you have for your wife.

Many people, including my husband, want happiness and adventure and turn toward their wives and ask themselves "is this it?"

Perhaps, turn the appraisal inward. Are you asking for your wife to make you happy? If you want adventure....plan something and ask her to join. If not, do it yourself. Find your own way. You don't always have to play together.

Your wife, seems like she is a good person. If you don't have children...please wait. But reevaluate if the problem is you or the marriage. 

Get some help.


----------



## preso

jonmon said:


> Do I love you? I do not know.
> 
> 
> 
> My desire for adventure and fulfillment has lately been overwhelming.
> 
> I need satisfaction.
> 
> 
> I do not know what to do.


I condensed it for you.
Note how it begins and ends... not knowing. Why would you even want to send someone anything like this? 
It's very crazy letter and without point. Sounds more like whining to me than any point being made.


----------



## Rhea

I'd like to be a fly inside the head of all you men whom just randomly leave their wives stating they are awesome and do this and that well and it's not your fault etc before you leave...I'd really like to know how you all think. I'd love to know why you're all afraid to be alone yet afraid to be with just one person...seriously. I don't jest, I don't flare sarcasm, none of that....just straight curiousity. 

I'd also like to give you all 5-10 years then throw you all in a room together and listen to your regrets...I shouldn't have left so and so, she was so good to me yadda yadda...worst mistake of my life and so on...as well as the stories of however other many so and so's you damaged in the time you left the one you regret leaving and then present time at which your all in a room together. My interst is peaked has been for some time. I just can't imagine meeting, falling in love, marrying, and then saying you're awesome baby but I'm going to leave you now. Not your fault it's mine. Please understand. Throws me hardcore and I'd love to be able to understand it. 

You see I'm that girl. I've been through that....


----------



## jonmon

Dark Angel said:


> From what you wrote I really do feel you might regret it.
> 
> The basics show me that your wife is loving and understanding, but perhaps not adventerous as you.
> 
> If you really want to know what we think we need to know how the two of you operated as a couple. Just because you cant see the light at the end of the tunnel doesnt mean its not necessarily there. It could just be lost in the fog right infont of both of you.
> 
> Have you discussed your feelings with her on this? Has she discussed hers?


Thank you for you post.
I honestly feel like we operate fairly well together. With have really open communication and respect one another. We both have established "roles" in that I provide in one area and she does so in other areas. I believe that as far as functioning is concerned, we do so fairly well. 
And to a certain extent we have discussed this. I have not outright said that I am not sure if I love you, although I have explained that having a child right now might not be the best situation because of the fact I am unsure about the strength of our marriage.


----------



## jonmon

recent_cloud said:


> i respectfully submit my thoughts as you requested.
> 
> you and your wife are obviously not communicating and ordinarily i'd recommend couples therapy to learn how to better communicate and negotiate each other's needs and wants.
> 
> but not in your case for two reasons.
> 
> first, your letter although couched in what i think you believe to be soft flowery language actually takes your wife's inventory harshly, and is very judgemental.
> 
> poor woman, just not living up to your expectations.
> 
> and second, this:
> 
> "Aside from all this, when I ask myself if I do love you, I never feel much emotion, but rather almost a complete lack of. "
> 
> so let her go, the sooner the better so she can start healing and find a man who will love her from the inside out.
> 
> and good luck with one caveate; you say you seek adventure but you've yet to experience the amazing adventure of giving a woman all you've got and then just a little more.
> 
> and that high is beyond my vocabulary.


Thank you for your post.
I honestly did not consciously attempt to write this with flowery language, and I do not want to belittle her. Im also not trying to be judgmental - she exceeds any expectations I could ever dream a wife could. I just feel like I lack any strong emotions with her. Nothing is negative, I do not resent her nor blame her for anything. I am 100% responsible for my behaviors.
I speak highly of her because I believe she is truly great. I just don't feel an emotion pull with her.


----------



## jonmon

preso said:


> I suggest you take the letter and discuss it with a personal therapist. It sounds very immature in what you want... like you wish to remain child-like.


Thank you for your post.
I have tried a therapist which I did not like. Any idea how to find an good therapist?


----------



## jonmon

Blonddeee said:


> If you are having these feelings- you should talk to her or go to counseling to work through this... I wouldn't recommend a letter... it's something that she can read over and over again. If you do work things out then she would always go back to the letter and feel insecure in those things you wrote, and if it doesn't work out... she doesn't need a letter telling her how much you don't love her (yet care about her still...kinda) that could tear her apart over and over again.
> Love letters are nice, but -I don't love you letters- would really suck to get... I keep cards and letters and I would never want one of those...


Thank you for you post.
I would never give my wife an I don't love you letter. Agreed. I am just trying to express myself and see where it leads.


----------



## jonmon

dcrim said:


> Language aside, sometimes that was the only I could get xgf to talk about something.
> 
> They were never "negative", per se, but did make specific mention of things I felt we needed to discus. Occasionally there was a "good" one. And always loving cards and flowers.
> 
> But she sometimes wouldn't let the conversation start (never have time, got to do this or that, etc.).
> 
> One point in particular -- her husband died of a heart attack. I'm a few years older than her. After years of being able to discuss anything and making plans to marry someday, she seemed to become more reticent and less desirous of marrriage. I finally had to ask her (in a letter), point blank, was she afraid of me dying before her? (yes, she was)
> 
> As was suggested earlier, try counseling for yourself and ask the counselor what they think of the letter.


Thank you for your reply.


----------



## jonmon

Mommybean said:


> Your letter strikes me as very impersonal. It sounds almost business like in its appraisal of your wife, as well as your marriage. Do you act in this fashion to her also, or do your words just come out like that when you put them on paper?
> 
> Honestly, if I were you, I would go talk to a therapist on your own. It sounds like you are deeply afraid of commitment, but almost just as afraid of being alone. What is it, exactly that you feel like you are missing out on by being married? It sounds as though she makes numerous concessions to your desires (you go off by yourself, travel without her, etc...), but the only concession it SOUNDS like you are making is that you stay married. Trust me, the grass is not always greener in the other pasture.


Thank you for your post. 
I think my words just come on like this on paper. 
i think the fear of being alone is terrifying. Especially so when I feel like Im not married to a beast or anything, but someone whom I am confused about. 
Can I explain?
My wife was an illegal alien when we first met. I lived in Denver and she lived in Philadelphia. We met on a first date and continued our relationship for the next year flying back and forth between the two cities. 
She was also in the process of deportation. I broke up with her perhaps 5 times during our relationship because I knew that if we continued to stay together I would almost surely have to marry her. As I have continue to express here, she is very bright and wonderful and I made a decision while we were dating that I would marry her even though I wasn't sure if I truly loved her. I figured that worst case, she would not be deported (she has had a hard life as is, and I figured the least I could do was help her) and best case we would fall in love and grow old together.
After she moved out to Denver, our relationship has always had emotional lows and muted highs (speaking from my perspective). I was 26 when we married and to be frank, I was not ready at that time. Not that I was looking to sleep with lots of women or spend all my time at the bars, but I just was not ready to be married at that time.
We have made things "work" because we both know and understand what is expected from one another and we both respect eachother.
I know she deeply, deeply loves me. But I have never had these feelings. None that lasted more than a few weeks.
We recently miscarried and it has been since then that my feelings have wildly grown. We have tried a therapist who was terrible but I did express myself to her that I was unsure of our marriage and I do not want to have a child until I am certain about us.
I talk positively about her because she is a great woman. I am a good husband to her. But I am concerned that I might be married to her because I feel guilty about leaving her. I know it would crush her. 
I am deeply afraid that I might be throwing away something that is good, not great maybe, maybe it is. I don't know! I desperately don't want to fall victim to the grass is greener cliche, but I think I have a valid concern here.

Thank you for your insight. I look forward to hearing your reply.


----------



## jonmon

preso said:


> I condensed it for you.
> Note how it begins and ends... not knowing. Why would you even want to send someone anything like this?
> It's very crazy letter and without point. Sounds more like whining to me than any point being made.


I never would give this to her. I thought that was clear.


----------



## jonmon

Rhea said:


> I'd like to be a fly inside the head of all you men whom just randomly leave their wives stating they are awesome and do this and that well and it's not your fault etc before you leave...I'd really like to know how you all think. I'd love to know why you're all afraid to be alone yet afraid to be with just one person...seriously. I don't jest, I don't flare sarcasm, none of that....just straight curiousity.
> 
> I'd also like to give you all 5-10 years then throw you all in a room together and listen to your regrets...I shouldn't have left so and so, she was so good to me yadda yadda...worst mistake of my life and so on...as well as the stories of however other many so and so's you damaged in the time you left the one you regret leaving and then present time at which your all in a room together. My interst is peaked has been for some time. I just can't imagine meeting, falling in love, marrying, and then saying you're awesome baby but I'm going to leave you now. Not your fault it's mine. Please understand. Throws me hardcore and I'd love to be able to understand it.
> 
> You see I'm that girl. I've been through that....


Hi Rhea-
Thank you for your post. I am very interested what you would say after reading my post to Mommybean. 
Please look at it and let me know your thoughts.

Thank you.


----------



## jonmon

Hi Rhea-
Thank you for your post. I am very interested what you would say after reading my post to Mommybean.
Please look at it and let me know your thoughts.

Thank you.


----------



## preso

You should not even attempt a conversation with her if your going to say anything in that letter... its a crazy letter. You tell her what a good person she is and has been but you don't want to be married to her.
Why not leave out all the excuses and just tell her you want a divorce, things aren't working out... leave out all the conflicting information, sounds like nothing but excuses and selfishness anyway.


----------



## jonmon

Please view my response to Mommybean.


----------



## Sensitive

I think it is healthy for couples to have frequent heart to heart conversations. If it helps you to write them out to sort them, then do so. What I am hoping is that you aren't bottling all these mixed up feelings and plan to blindside her with a big separation/divorce speech. Marriage requires effort on both partners. It is natural to have ups and downs. If the big issue is that she wants children, and you don't, then I would strongly advise you resolve it now, don't wait.


----------



## snix11

Goodness gracious.
Your wife loves you. You just need to learn to fall in love with her. It's not hard - love is a verb, something you do.

Buy Mort Fertel's Marriage Fitness and REALLY do it. Go thru the whole program and if you still feel nothing, you will at least know without a shadow of a doubt that you tried your best. 

Good luck finding love


----------



## preso

Lets see.....
there seems to a giant missing peice of the story somewhere between she was going to get deported and your feeling guilty
and why you married her depsite not being ready to be married.

What did you feel guilty about? what were the terms under which you married? Did her family pay you or something?

and now... the guilt about not being in love... did you take something from her and use/ abuse it for personal gain?

I don't understand all this guilt.


----------



## jonmon

No, nothing like that. There was no "tangible" incentive to marry other than that we both cared for one another. 
Also, she never once pressure me to marry her and never once asked me to marry her. She was always very upfront about her situation. Regardless, there a an insane amount of pressure to marry her because regardless what she would say, I knew that this girl would be deported unless I married her.
We got married. And now live together. Im not trying to be a smart ass, but Im not sure there is a whole lot there. 
I feel guilty because if I choose to separate, I would be failing her as a husband. She has always told me each day how much she loves me and that she does love me. I remember what she was like when we broke up while we were dating - she was completely devastated.
I know that at that point in time, in addition to being her love, I also represented safety from being deported, but I honestly believe she married me because she loves me..........
I don't ever feel like I fell in love with her.


----------



## preso

snix11 said:


> Goodness gracious.
> Your wife loves you. You just need to learn to fall in love with her. It's not hard - love is a verb, something you do.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Your going to end up chasing the wind... you have a good woman and you should try to giv eher love and grow in love.. kindness, patience, etc.
> Love can grow and it sounds like you have a good foundation in a woman who loves you and treats you well.


----------



## dcrim

IDK, I could be wrong...but why does this feel "scripted"???


----------



## preso

dcrim said:


> IDK, I could be wrong...but why does this feel "scripted"???



umm, maybe you haven't had your evening drink yet.
:lol::lol:


----------



## Rhea

_*


jonmon said:



Hi Rhea-
Thank you for your post. I am very interested what you would say after reading my post to Mommybean. 
Please look at it and let me know your thoughts.

Thank you.

Click to expand...

*_I read your response to Mommybean...you seem to gloat about how wonderful this woman is and how well your relationship functions...I guess my question is: If all the above information you've provide is true then what's not to love? Why can you not love a woman whom treats you w/the utmost respect loves you deeply despite what you say was a minute effort to return that love...however she didn't turn you away, abandon you, or divorce you nope she steadfastly continued to love you despite your faults. I guess the same question I have for my ex is the one I have for you. What is it that you're looking for??? You have a faithful woman, one whom loves you unconditionally, one whom you function very smoothly w/on a daily basis...I'm confused. 

Although most of the time people tell you to follow your heart, sometimes you sir have to lead it as well. Or else we'd all bail a the slight thought of "what if" because when "what if" or "what not" comes into play a lot of people forget to be greatful and appreciate of the "what have"

Seems to me you just need to focus. Sit down w/her put some of that "lost adventure" into your lives. Put more effort into her as opposed to not putting any effort into her. I think from the sounds of it you'd regret losing this wonderful woman. Maybe not in the short term...but certainly down the road...


----------



## dcrim

preso said:


> umm, maybe you haven't had your evening drink yet.
> :lol::lol:


Oh, heck...started when I got home!  Want one, too? I'll drink it for you... 

BTW, Preso...'grats on breaking 1K.


----------



## preso

dcrim said:


> Oh, heck...started when I got home!  Want one, too? I'll drink it for you...
> 
> BTW, Preso...'grats on breaking 1K.



I may take it to put on my roses  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1k, yeah I know its hot outside... 

lol

on topic:
yeah what RHEA said !!! Good post Rhea.
I mean you have a loving partner, you want adventure...
go have adventure together, she would maybe like to jump out of airplanes or whatever your idea of adventure is.
She may be an adreniline junkie underneath all that sweet disposition.


----------



## HELP ME.

sort of agreeing with the OP.... I personally want more out of my life than what it currently is.

My wife still loves me (for some reason) and is very content with what I call a somewhat boring lifestyle.... she doesn't like to communicate much, doesn't do anything spur of the moment, is content with not going on vacation, etc..... When we were younger she was somewhat more spontaneous and definately communicated more.... It doesn't seem like there is an answer for me to "re-love" her. She would stay in our situation until the end of time like her parents have..... i want more out of life like the OP.....

is there anything wrong with that? 

Of course I would never leave note like that...... it seemed to be attempting to be the nice guy who was sort of blaming himself for this.... i say tell her "we grew apart and we want different things in life"..... of course that is easy for me to post on here....doh...


----------



## childcare365

I can relate to what you are saying. I had to learn this lesson myself! Things can work!
It is very hard to accept that sometimes love doesn't always come from our feelings. Most every couple has lost feelings or passion towards their partner at one point. It's quite normal for passion to come & go. You have to CHOOSE whether you want to love her and then just do so. I have to agree with some others on here, that you seem kind of selfish & child-like. Sorry! Love is selfless & concerned about the others well-being. 
You said that she lets you do the things you like, right? She is what you desire in a wife, right? Then there is no reason why this marriage shouldn't work if you are BOTH concerned about the others desires. 
If you cannot be happy with her... do you even want to be married at all? Will you ever be satisfied with anyone? Or are you just afraid that having a child will end your life as you know it?


----------



## cupid

Rhea said:


> I'd like to be a fly inside the head of all you men whom just randomly leave their wives stating they are awesome and do this and that well and it's not your fault etc before you leave...I'd really like to know how you all think. I'd love to know why you're all afraid to be alone yet afraid to be with just one person...seriously. I don't jest, I don't flare sarcasm, none of that....just straight curiousity.
> 
> I'd also like to give you all 5-10 years then throw you all in a room together and listen to your regrets...I shouldn't have left so and so, she was so good to me yadda yadda...worst mistake of my life and so on...as well as the stories of however other many so and so's you damaged in the time you left the one you regret leaving and then present time at which your all in a room together. My interst is peaked has been for some time. I just can't imagine meeting, falling in love, marrying, and then saying you're awesome baby but I'm going to leave you now. Not your fault it's mine. Please understand. Throws me hardcore and I'd love to be able to understand it.
> 
> You see I'm that girl. I've been through that....


We are afraid to be with just one woman because we want intimacy with more than one. We leave the good one we love in search of a different one; but we leave out of respect, because currently it is not socially accepted to be with more than one.

Deep down every man will like to be intimate with more than one woman. But not every man will act on it due to religious indoctrination (punishment), social pressure, or selfishness (will not like wife to do the same).

Men are polygamous by nature. Women would be happier if they could understand this.


----------



## Jellybeans

Oh, my. That letter is really heavy. It is going to shatter her heart in one million pieces. If you are truly going to do this, my advice is to not put the part about not knowing if you love her and how you feel no passion for her. It's like pouring gasoline on a forest fire that is already too out of control.


----------



## Amplexor

The OP in this thread is long gone. It was posted in July 2009


----------



## Jellybeans

Ok I just read your thread in a weird way: the first post and then the very last post to the first one. (Don't ask, lol).

First of all, are you cheating on her? 

This:



jonmon said:


> i think the fear of being alone is terrifying. .


And in leaving your wife, you will be what...not alone anymore?



jonmon said:


> I broke up with her perhaps 5 times during our relationship because *I knew that if we continued to stay together I would almost surely have to marry h*er. As I have continue to express here, she is very bright and wonderful and *I made a decision while we were dating that I would marry her even though I wasn't sure if I truly loved her. I figured that worst case, she would not be deported (she has had a hard life as is, and I figured the least I could do was help her) *and best case we would fall in love and grow old together


So you married her out of pity????



jonmon said:


> I was 26 when we married and to be frank, I was not ready at that time.


Wow.




jonmon said:


> I know she deeply, deeply loves me. But I have never had these feelings. None that lasted more than a few weeks.
> 
> I talk positively about her because she is a great woman. *I am a good husband to her. But I am concerned that I might be married to her because I feel guilty about leaving her. I know it would crush her. *


IMO, a "good husband' is one that loves and cherishes his wife. It doesn't sound like you do.

It's rare I read something that makes me feel so taken aback but what I get from reading your "letter" and your feelings is that you never loved your wife and only married her because you felt bad, because you felt it was an obligation, because you pitied her. 

That is like cutting someone's heart open with a knife and making them watch the entire process.

If you truly feel this way about her, my advice is to divorce her so she can have the opportunity to find herself and be with someone who won't just be with her just because they feel sorry for her, and so she can can be with a man who can truly love her. 

My bet is you probably convinced her that you loved her and she believed you.

To me, I can't imagine anything crueller than that.


----------

