# Feeling almost constant contempt and mistrust



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

I don't know what to do with these feelings. I am normally a positive person and can find the good in almost everything. 

WH is doing almost everything right---he would rather rug sweep and is reluctant to not do so. But when I ask, I do so firmly and unemotionally, so he complies. 

He is being sweet, complimentary, wanting reassurance about us not getting a divorce, asking for help in re engaging in our marriage---all good stuff. So why, when I see that it's him calling on my cell phone, do I not want to answer it? Why do I look at his picture and want to make obscene gestures at it? Why can I not put my wedding rings back on without feeling sick? 

I know I don't trust him. I think I'm actually ok with that. 

I guess I don't respect him either. I don't know how to give that respect back to him. I don't want to see him or talk to him or breathe his air right now. I love him, I really do. I want things to work out, but right now, I almost feel like I hate him. 

How long will I hurt and feel like this?


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Most estimates range from 2 to 5 years. In my case and others i've seen shorter amounts of time. How long has it been? 

I found myself going from hate/love/hate/love back and forth for months, then, nothing. At that point i've found i was more able to think without emotion.


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## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

Ha! We've been in (hopefully real) R for not quite a week. The EA lasted for just two months. 

It probably doesn't help that I'm pregnant. Hormones all over the place.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

This is a post Bandit.45 made a several months back on the "Reconcilliation" thread. I think it applies in your case:



> You know, a big oak tree will continue to live a few years after being struck by lightning. It will put out leaves and acorns, but each year the acorns will be more shriveled, the leaves progressively less voluminous, until eventually the tree withers and dies. That's the way it often is with marriages that have been struck by infidelity.


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## schiller45 (Jul 7, 2013)

LostViking said:


> This is a post Bandit.45 made a several months back on the "Reconcilliation" thread. I think it applies in your case:


that hits close to home...


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

About Bandit.45 quote the key is often.

OP just found out his husbands infidelity, a relatively brief EA.
I find very premature to bring this kind of depressing advice at this point as she dealing with a recent trauma. Not even a week. 
Take into acount also Bandit had to suffer the end of his marriage after a second horrible betrayal with an unremorseful wife who was capable to keep going at it even after being caught.


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## EverRain (Jun 6, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> I don't know what to do with these feelings. I am normally a positive person and can find the good in almost everything.
> 
> WH is doing almost everything right---he would rather rug sweep and is reluctant to not do so. But when I ask, I do so firmly and unemotionally, so he complies.
> 
> ...



Hi, I'm sorry that you are here... 

I too am a very positive person with the ability to find the good in most any situation. 
My WH also wants to rugsweep and has done most everything right since I discovered his approx 3 months EA. The feelings that you are having are very normal, it does get better but I am 1 year and 4 months past DD and I still have bad days. Still can't put on my wedding ring and have trouble keeping the sadness away. But the time in between the happy and sad have got longer, and there isnt much anger now just a sadness, like something has been lost and i am grieving it. I have trouble with believing the sincerity of his words to me, I can't help but think if you loved me so much like you are saying why did you do what you did? 

Just be very careful with your pregnancy, I lost about 12 pounds. Make sure you are eating right. 

Take care
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How long does it take to get to a decent place---you may never get to a decent place---the 2 to 5 yrs is where life may be livable, as to getting along in the mge.---THAT DOES NOT MEAN THE BETRAYED SPOUSE, WILL EVER FORGET WHAT WAS DONE TO THEM, it does not mean THEY WILL NEVER TRIGGER AGAIN---it does not mean THEY WILL EVER TRUST AGAIN

You were replaced by another---and no matter how allegedly wonderful your spouse may act----your SUB--CONSCIOUS knows differently----IT KNOWS AT 3 A M IN THE MORNING, WHEN YOU ALONE IN THE CAR/HOUSE/AT WORK---You will fight this war with your Sub--Conscious---and you may fight it the rest of your life

One thing you are to never allow your cheating spouse to do---never allow this to be swept under the rug---if you wanna discuss any aspect of the A---it gets discussed, and your cheating spouse, better be happy/willing/able to do so---and to do so 1000 times if that is what you want-------anything goes as to how you deal with the cheater and make him/her accountable---AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT ABUSIVE


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Betrayedred said:


> I don't know what to do with these feelings. I am normally a positive person and can find the good in almost everything.
> 
> WH is doing almost everything right---he would rather rug sweep and is reluctant to not do so. But when I ask, I do so firmly and unemotionally, so he complies.
> 
> ...


It's a terrible fact to accept but it will never ever be the same.

I always say this if only for just ten seconds the wayward could feel the depth of betrayal and pain they cause - they'd stop. 

But.......they don't, so they don't.

Over time you can blot it out put it in a better place but it will never go. 

To be frank it's the protection for you on offer here. Our brains' are saying "okay I'll put this away but for your own benefit should you need to dig this up again I'll be waiting with all the relevant info and facts" 
It's a scar and one that you will need to keep - to remember how you were hurt and won't ever accept that again 

Sadly it does change that wonderful innocent dynamic you both had forever.

For some people this is enough reason right there to finish instantly, for others it's a once only and for others like me it's the denial and enabling, the wanting to love and forever forgive that leads to serial betrayal infidelity.

It won't ever go away completely


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I don't have any answers, but I know how it feels.

For me it was a nine-month long detachment from our marriage, involving two PAs, at least half a dozen dates with OWs, lots of chatting, TT for a couple of months after I found out about the first one, and also an ongoing contact with an OW he met on one of the dating sites going on throughout our first two months of false R till I found out about the 2nd PA.

When I think about everything he did, and all the lies he told, and continued to tell, I feel sick. I feel angry. I feel contempt for myself that I am considering R with him.

I'm just plodding on day by day at the moment. It's so much harder than I thought it would be, even when he is doing everything right.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Why does it hurt when you think it shouldn't? Because the dream is broken. You perfect image of a husband who would honor his vows and never betray you has shattered into reality with a husband who has forsaken his end of marriage when his needs were not met. He had every opportunity to fix what he could on his end and he chose to have an emotional affair. It's not your fault, not completely. 

The problems here are two fold. One one hand your marriage from before the EA is over and you're never going to be able to go back to that point where you neglect each other like before. You'll be able to reach a point where you can forgive, but you will never forget and you're always going to have that worry in your mind. It's not what you want to hear but it's the truth. 

The other part of that is that you need to take this problem as a wake up call and honestly ask yourself if this is the man you want to be with and if you can work through this affair. Reconciliation isn't an easy task and it isn't for everyone, and no one would blame you for wanting to divorce him after this. Both reconciliation and divorce are not permanent options either. Also, do you know for certain that this is the man you married? What has he turned into vs what you where promised and so on. I won't go into this, but you understand you need to just have a wait and see philosophy about reconciliation for a little while longer. 

Now that you're having theses gut wrenching feelings about your husband DO NOT try to fight these feelings. I can tell you as divorced man of a cheating wife, the worst thing you can do is rug sweep YOUR feelings and try to get better to make it work on their terms. You have every right to be pissed off, angry, bitter, sad, depressed etc. Quite simply your husband breached your unspoken marital contract and you shouldn't be the one lowering the standards for him. 

Since I been here for over 2 years now I've seen several different stories where men will will freak the f*ck out right before their wife has their baby and will cheat. To be honest with you, a two month long EA ending with a husband wanting to reconcile... That's the best possible scenario for a myriad of outcomes. From what I've seen you're still going to have to a good 6 months or longer of this reconciliation thing with couples counseling and marriage re-education, but with a little maintenance this shouldn't be a huge problem in the future. Oh, it can be with enough neglect and could result in affairs from either of you in the future, but it won't be if you two make your relationship a priority.


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