# Need help



## SoGlassEyeMetYou (May 17, 2019)

Hey folks,
I’ll try to make this short. I’m 36, wife is 34, been married for 14 years next month. My issue is with intimacy and “feeling desired.” My wife quite literally doesn’t initiate sex, ever. The closest thing to her initiating would be her mentioning the possibility of sex later, most of the time it doesn’t happen anyway.

Second issue is she doesn’t do much, she pretty much just lays there, has sex and an orgasm, followed by me finishing myself I the shower. Sex after an orgasm for her is painful, and she always finishes first, so I’m left to finish myself. 

Finally, she does NOTHING for foreplay. In the last 18 months or so, I’ve had 1 blowjob and she hasn’t given a handy in forever (not my fav anyway). Sex for us is me making all the right moves, at the right time; if it’s not done right, she gets frustrated and shuts down.

I’m sure she has her complaints about me, but I try every day to be a great husband and father. I work hard, have a great work from home job, and take on the majority of the housework (because that’s easy to do working from home). I’m a very involved father, and I give her a lot of non-sexual attention, like massages when she has sore muscles, or cooking her favorite dinner after a rough week.

Her lack of interest in being sexual towards me has me depressed and it’s helped lead to an addiction to pornography. I’ve always been a very generous lover, and I try to understand that’s just not how everybody is. We’ve talked about it, and she’ll pick up the frequency of sex for a short time, but that’s fleeting as well.

I just don’t know how to make her see that she’s a selfish, lazy lover bordering on neglectful.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You have come to the right place. (although I'm female)

If your username is actually your email address, please ask @EleGirl (administrator) to change it to something anonymous. Tell her what you want new user name to be.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Is this different from earlier in your dating / marriage?

Describe how things were early on....

If it has always been like this, you have a tough road ahead.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

It sounds like sex is too entirely different things to each of you. The irony, and what makes this tougher to deal with, is that she is into sex as a physical thing, going for the orgasm, and once there, that's it, time to move on. While you may be connecting on a level of intimacy that's much more than the physical. Sex to you may be a form of affirmation, of comfort. Or not.

One thing I would do is move away from the porn. It may essentially be de-sensitizing you, making it more difficult for you to come to an orgasm quickly, if at all, with your wife. While the idea of a lengthy sex session seems appealing, for you, right now, that's not on the table. You need to work on getting there more quickly, so perhaps the two of you could even orgasm together. For most of us, that option isn't on the table; you're in the unusual situation where she gets there quickly.

When porn is described as an "addiction", which you did, it's never a good thing. I may have been close to that, not sure. But when my wife and I hit an unexpected and pretty severe crisis almost 9 months ago (discovering some things about her past that forever changed the narrative of the woman I married 40 years ago), I quit looking at porn cold turkey. I don't really miss it at all, but I do know that, if I go back just out of curiosity, I'll probably keep going back on a regular basis. 

Kids? She married quite young at 20. Why did you get married? What was the attraction? What has changed in the subsequent 14 years? Jobs? 

One thing you might discuss with her is that she might be OK with how things are, she might think hey, you've been married 14 years, survived so far, what's the issue. Explain that marriage by momentum is not in the cards for you. 

You should also explore privacy issues. Are there things that she keeps to herself? Is one of you more open than the other? 

Things should be better, they can be better, and I think you'll get ideas here to actually make things better.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If I were to ask her what her sex life is like and what would she wish it could be, what do you think she will say?


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

Hey there . First address the porn . It can be fun but it can also damage your mind just be careful . Wondering how old your kiddos are . If they are really young it’s pretty normal for a women to have decreased sex drive . The first few years of our we did t have much sex mostly due to tearing issues . You should keep at things sounds like your and good husband. Just remember to set some time aside and talk about this issue.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*



Sex after an orgasm for her is painful

Click to expand...

* I don't know about you but I certainly don't look forward to pain. I would believe you W does not either. Has your W consulted a doctor about the pain during/after sex?


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## redwingpentagon (Apr 10, 2019)

If she can’t do it without pain she need to see a doctor right away . This happens to my wife and she was so embarrassed she waited way to long and we hardy had sex for 3 years . It’s was pain full for me to ! Are you experiencing any pain yourself during sex ?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

SoGlassEyeMetYou said:


> Hey folks,
> I’ll try to make this short. I’m 36, wife is 34, been married for 14 years next month. My issue is with intimacy and “feeling desired.” My wife quite literally doesn’t initiate sex, ever. The closest thing to her initiating would be her mentioning the possibility of sex later, most of the time it doesn’t happen anyway.
> 
> Second issue is she doesn’t do much, she pretty much just lays there, has sex and an orgasm, followed by me finishing myself I the shower. Sex after an orgasm for her is painful, and she always finishes first, so I’m left to finish myself.
> ...


Your problem is not her, it's your behavior.
You better do something fast and with resolve or shes gone.
And if she says she's leaving she's already with someone else.

Fix your understanding and behavior in your marriage.
Read "The Rational Male" YOU are responsible to make her desire you. 
She is quite different than you....quit talking and start acting asap...or she's going to have an exciting new man and you will be holding your banana more than you are now. Man up.
https://therationalmale.com/


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## SoGlassEyeMetYou (May 17, 2019)

Thanks for the input folks. We again had a long conversation that at first went really well. We discussed her low sex drive, what I could do to help her be in the mood more, and that our current frequency wasn’t quite enough for me. She agreed to have more sex, she even acknowledged that she “needs to be a better wife”- her words not mine.

But then I brought up the fact that she does not participate in foreplay in any way, and asked what I could do to improve that. She totally shut down, got furious, then cried. Her exact thought was, once we start kissing and all the stuff I do to turn her on that since I’m already turned on enough for sex that she shouldn’t have to. I said I’m looking for participation from her, and she said her participation was getting herself worked up for sex and kissing and touching my torso/face/hair during sex. Cool, so you don’t just lay there? Thanks.

I know there are two sides to every story, I’m sure I have some fault. I know I shouldn’t make her do something she doesn’t want to do, and I’m genuinely trying to be understanding of her position as well. To me, it feels like our sex life is just me, doing all the things I can possibly do to turn her, followed by almost exclusively missionary sex.

Am I unreasonable? How would you folks react to foreplay being 100% one-sided? I don’t want to leave my wife, but she knows I’m unsatisfied, and she seems.. apathetic.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Is sexual trauma a thing that she's had to deal with?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As a previous poster asked, was she always like this. If so, visit asexuality.org [I'm married to a near asexual woman, took me 25 years to recognize the situation - if that is what is going on with you, understanding will help a lot in deciding what to do next]

If not, is she on any medication, especially anti-depressants? Any medical issues that might be having an effect?

Is there anything about you that might be causing here to lack desire? I doubt this is the case, but its worth thinking carefully. Not looking for subtle things, but for something very obvious. (we don't know you - if you are 200 pounds overweight, never bathe, jobless, and spend your time drinking beer and watching TV, that could be an issue). Usually though that isn't at all what is going on.

Most people don't think of it as "have to engage in foreplay". Its something most people enjoy.


A sexual mismatch may be no ones fault, but still be a huge problem. 





SoGlassEyeMetYou said:


> Thanks for the input folks. We again had a long conversation that at first went really well. We discussed her low sex drive, what I could do to help her be in the mood more, and that our current frequency wasn’t quite enough for me. She agreed to have more sex, she even acknowledged that she “needs to be a better wife”- her words not mine.
> 
> But then I brought up the fact that she does not participate in foreplay in any way, and asked what I could do to improve that. She totally shut down, got furious, then cried. Her exact thought was, once we start kissing and all the stuff I do to turn her on that since I’m already turned on enough for sex that she shouldn’t have to. I said I’m looking for participation from her, and she said her participation was getting herself worked up for sex and kissing and touching my torso/face/hair during sex. Cool, so you don’t just lay there? Thanks.
> 
> ...


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

Ok. Lots of thoughts going on here. 
First, the pain after sex may be something called Vaginismus. Look it up. It’s a physical issue often brought on by physical or sexual trauma but can be due to mental block (reluctance to have sex) She needs to see an Ob/Gyne. 

What you want is for her to do “foreplay”. Be a more enthusiastic lover. You can’t control her. You can control YOU. As uhtred said, become a better you. Why should YOU change? Because you are the one who WANTS the change.

She doesn’t have a low sex drive and she doesn’t need to be a “better wife” Those are words of failure and not very sexy.

Your job is to help your wife understand that it’s not SEX that you seek, but connection and the ability to express your love for her in a physical way, since that’s who you are as a person. Maybe she likes kind words, or gifts. That’s HER way. Intimacy is YOUR way.
Take it slowly. It’s not going to change overnight. Could a Marriage counsellor with a sex therapy training help?

Being a housekeeper and all round good dad has gotten you none of what you desired. We are all mistaken in thinking this.
What you need to be is a more exciting MAN and LOVER. The one she fell in love with before all this BS domesticity intruded. As Esther Perel says “when domesticity rises, desire falls” YUP.

Start taking care of yourself. You want something different in bed? Try something different. Be the best YOU that you can be. FOR YOU. NOT HER.

Oh and please STOP the porn. If she knows, she feels completely inadequate and you run the risk of addiction.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

SoGlassEyeMetYou said:


> Thanks for the input folks. We again had a long conversation that at first went really well. We discussed her low sex drive, what I could do to help her be in the mood more, and that our current frequency wasn’t quite enough for me. She agreed to have more sex, she even acknowledged that she “needs to be a better wife”- her words not mine.
> 
> But then I brought up the fact that she does not participate in foreplay in any way, and asked what I could do to improve that. She totally shut down, got furious, then cried. Her exact thought was, once we start kissing and all the stuff I do to turn her on that since I’m already turned on enough for sex that she shouldn’t have to. I said I’m looking for participation from her, and she said her participation was getting herself worked up for sex and kissing and touching my torso/face/hair during sex. Cool, so you don’t just lay there? Thanks.
> 
> ...



You have totally sidestepped the question of pain exhibited by your W during or after sex? Instead you go into what you are getting or not getting out of it. So, what of the pain your W experiences during sex? Has your W seen a doctor?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So many things. I'll try to narrow them down.

First I'll answer the does anybody else do this.... I can tell you when I haven't had sex in a few days when my real life jumps into the fantasy world I live in with my husband and I"m stressed. and such my body and mind simple turn the sex switch off. So that first day back often times Saturday morning is him spending time awakening the krakin. He gets very little response for the first 10 minutes cause I'm also just waking up and still sleepy. So sleepy turned off krakin. If he was worried about that he'd never get to meet the krakin, ride the krakin, and try to tame the krakin. But hey I'm boring. 

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/438463-maybe-im-boring-what-else-do.html

I have no doubt that your wife is not being an exciting, sex fiend and I agree ideally she would participate. 

I'd like to add that sometimes I have to just sit still and enjoy the attention, focus on the pleasure or I lose the momentum of an orgasm. But I do make up for it some other day. or later that day or 1 hour later if the krakin is awake you have to run fast to escape her. 

So maybe it's highly unusual but I know it happens and I commend her for at least having the conversation with her.

Now I'm going to pretend to be her.
I don't really orgasm but I get tired of the rough rubbing/licking and want to 'have more sex' speeches. Or it doesn't hurt only after an orgasm but before too. I don't know how to tell him because he's always saying I don't do enough sexually and he doesn't seem toooo concerned about my health. I mean I can't compete with the wild women of porn. He seems to be obsessed with this always bringing it up and when I gave him a ****ty test about how I need to be a better wife trying to elicit a response from him in a completely passive aggressive way (of course in her internal mantra she doesn't acknowledge the passive aggressiveness). So he thinks I"m a ****ty wife and wants to be married to a young, busty, loud porn star who will (fill in the blank take in the Ass, suck it, moan loudly, do everything without lube. He doesn't realize how unrealistic that stuff is. I had his children and I"m not going to look like that and I"m certainly not going to ACT like that. God what if I had breast cancer would he leave me over breast, should I get a masectomy? Reconstruction, would he still love me? Would he leave me when I was still sick? (ok you can fill in any number of spirals here. Because it isn't about what you've actually said it's her insecurity that you've unknowingly exaserbated.)

At this point you have probably pushed this long enough and far enough that there are now additional emotional issues. People are telling you to approach it from a connectedness issue but really you want sex. And because you aren't happy it's now her fault that you watch porn. (insert reproach and grow a pair, you watch porn because you want to). You are worried about your BJ's, handsy and such.

I'd be more worried about her health, physical and mental. About resentments built up. Reconnecting in real ways. Actual physical pleasure on both parts.

Has she seen a doctor? Have you expressed concern for her health without attaching it to you getting sex. 
NOT, wife let's go to the doctor and have you checked out because I'm not getting it enough. I also don't really like not finishing (again quit the porn and masterbation will be so much easier for you to finish first).

How about Wife I'm concerned about the pain you been having. I couldn't think about you not being here.

Second studies have shown that many women don't experience an orgasm from intercourse and gasp many lie about it to please their partner. How do you know she has an orgasm? Do you use lube? do you use a vibrator? Have you tried going first on the orgasm and then using a vibrator or toy on her to finish?

Third I wouldn't stop doing household help because someone says that won't get you laid. Do you know her love language? I'm acts of service. Dishes get good feelings and the desire to be part of something pleasant like sex. It doesn't get you sex like do a load and we go to the bedroom. But helping does keep my hubby in good standing in the LOVE department which leads to the sex department. Find out her love languages. DO you guys still date? What do you do to stay a couple? Do you have kids? how old. After my child was born they stitched me up too tight and sex was painful for about a year.

When you tell her she isn't enough, what exact words are you using?

No it isn't right to have one-sided sex. I am sure something is going on. It may be emotional or physical on her side. It maybe she and irrational person who doesn't really care about you. But getting to the sex part of this conversation is about getting to some many other issues.

Someone once asked me what made me more sexual than I was say 10 years ago. I read a book that lots of people like to bash called 50 shades of grey. A steamy, trashy, impossible story about prince charming and his princess. I have also had people who have never read it bash it. Then someone asked whats the appeal.

I got totally different use out of the book but i"m wired very differently than most. So I tried to think like my girlfriends what about the book is so appealing?

So many people think this is a BSDM book. Not to me. It's simply a romance novel with variety of sex.

1. One of the oft repeated things about the book is the man takes charge, uses her body in a way that makes her have earth shattering orgasms and he' fairly happy to look at her and use her body. Hint he often ties her up so she couldn't participate if she wanted.


This can is so freeing and empowering (I know how?). Women have a tendency to get into our head and not get out. THat's why they say to make love to a woman start with her brain. So I have spent lots of time in the middle of sex thinking. So what should I do with my left hand, Am I participating enough? what is the light like? My small boob is kinda rolling to the right. Think perky and maybe it will perk up. What sexy thing should I say right now? Is my hand to rough or does he like that stimulation. What time is it? Did I leave the stove on? Was that moan too loud?

Well if you are tied up (and maybe even blind folded) your free to accept whatever is happening (which the hope is it would be a good thing like caresses. It removes the guilt of being a greedy lover, it also makes it easier to concentrate on the pleasure. It makes you feel desired, wanted worshipped (if done right done wrong well trapped used and scared) The main guy was a billionare with stalker tendancies which were ok because she liked him (so part of it is unrealistic and not ok but it's a bodice ripper so that's expected).

Second The book had some accurate information in it that made me think about better ways to have sex. Tried the tie up thing (nope didn't like it) but tried the full bladder thing and it increased my pleasure. Tried the butt plug (never would have before) wow I liked it. You get the idea. Also made me reexamine desire. As well as the lead man just happen to know 50 ways to get her off immediately and she didn't have to talk most days during sex. I had grown up where boys were always trying to get sex, touch the big boobs and girls were supposed to be good and say no. I never really thought of my husband in those terms (one of the reasons I married him) but subconciously those messages still existed.

In the book he is obsessed with her and does wants lots of sex. But he also wants to take care of her, protect her, marry her, do any thing he can to make her life easier, buy her stuff, take her on vacation, Love her so much that even silly things like she can't drive and old car because if she got in an accident he didn't want her hurt (same thing in Twilight by the way) Women want to be cherished, loved. This book more associated sex and love in it's own twisted way and I started to desire my husband to want me all the time. I had a few more thought on the surface because I used it to reflect not just read. Like what if some of the strong descriptions of mind blowing orgasms are actually available to me. I mean I had orgasms occasionally but the book was about as fantasical with the orgasm as it was about how much money this not very old handsome man had. Turns out I could have a lot stronger orgasm and more of them. And the krakin was born.

Does you wife view your desire to have sex as you want to get off or you cherish her? Because nobody wants to be a cum dump.

The challenge is to see if you can make those connections without sending negative (even if you aren't trying to) messages that she isn't good enough. IF her body is really broken i can guarantee she feels inadequate and self conscience or has body image problems.

I've written way too much so I'll leave you too it.


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## SoGlassEyeMetYou (May 17, 2019)

SoGlassEyeMetYou said:


> Hey folks,
> I’ll try to make this short. I’m 36, wife is 34, been married for 14 years next month. My issue is with intimacy and “feeling desired.” My wife quite literally doesn’t initiate sex, ever. The closest thing to her initiating would be her mentioning the possibility of sex later, most of the time it doesn’t happen anyway.
> 
> Second issue is she doesn’t do much, she pretty much just lays there, has sex and an orgasm, followed by me finishing myself I the shower. Sex after an orgasm for her is painful, and she always finishes first, so I’m left to finish myself.
> ...





Yeswecan said:


> SoGlassEyeMetYou said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for the input folks. We again had a long conversation that at first went really well. We discussed her low sex drive, what I could do to help her be in the mood more, and that our current frequency wasn’t quite enough for me. She agreed to have more sex, she even acknowledged that she “needs to be a better wife”- her words not mine.
> ...


Wasn’t avoiding the question.. she usually only feels pain post-orgasm if we continue to have sex. Sometimes there can be pain at the beginning of sex, but I try to compensate for that with extended foreplay and lots of lube. And no, she won’t go to the doctor (I’ve asked).


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

SoGlassEyeMetYou said:


> Wasn’t avoiding the question.. she usually only feels pain post-orgasm if we continue to have sex. Sometimes there can be pain at the beginning of sex, but I try to compensate for that with extended foreplay and lots of lube. And no, she won’t go to the doctor (I’ve asked).


I'm having a hard time buying it.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Marduk said:


> I'm having a hard time buying it.


Who do you not believe? OP or his wife?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Fozzy said:


> Who do you not believe? OP or his wife?


Her story.

I've heard of cramping after sex in women, starting _with_ the orgasm. However this just doesn't sound like that - although it could be. As he describes:



> she usually only feels pain post-orgasm if we continue to have sex


Again, not a doctor, but that sounds more like "I got what I wanted, so that's all I'm gonna do" than painful cramping _triggered_ by an orgasm.

That linked to zero foreplay from her, zero interest from her, just laying there when they have sex and zero willingness to get him off before she gets off...


Even if she were cramping, and cared about the relationship, she'd get checked out. But she won't. Her response is to shut down and to cry. So even if it is happening... she isn't interested in fixing it.

So either way, her whole deal sounds like BS.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She is who she is and doubtful that’ll change.

You either live with it or not.

This incompatibility isn’t uncommon


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

On the post-orgasm pain, my last long-term girlfriend had something similar; once she had reached orgasm, PiV was "too sensitive" (and a little painful). She often O'd quickly (within 10 mins), but she got good a controlling it and timing it to match mine (she could never have another for at least an hour, and had never had multiple/stacked orgasms).

I hated it at first (I saw multiple-Os as a sign of a real connection), but she would always ensure I got there too, and was a very enthusiastic, adventurous and participating lover, so we worked with it very successfully. 

So maybe it's medical, maybe psych, maybe both. But with help for willing partners, mismatches can be overcome ... how willing is she willing to be?


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## SoGlassEyeMetYou (May 17, 2019)

Almost a month later, and there’s a lot of good to report. We’ve been having sex 2-4 times a week, and to get credit, she won’t let me leave until I finish. She requests tons of lube, but she seems to genuinely understand the orgasm component. 

I honestly only have 1 complain remaining. She just doesn’t want to give oral. I’m trying really hard to understand she doesn’t like it, and her gag reflex makes her nervous. What I wish is the desire for it would just go away, and everything would be great. I just can’t help feeling rejected.

I wish I could let it go, I mean, sex and everything with it is supposed to be fun and intimate. So why would I want her to do something she clearly hates? But at the same time, would a few minutes every now and then be that bad? Is it unreasonable to be upset that it will probably never happen again?


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## Rlc307 (Jan 14, 2018)

Has it always been this way though? With the lack of oral? I'm really curious about that. Some people genuinely do not like it. It's not my favorite thing but I am not disgusted by it and have no problems providing. But there is more to it than her just "not liking it." There's a real cause that you need to find out. Maybe talk to her about it and sound interested in what is really going on to get to the bottom of it. You just overcame a milestone so I personally wouldn't tell her you still feel neglected, because there might be something serious deep down.


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