# Not sure if I should wait any longer



## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

Hello - glad i found this forum  I've been married for almost 22 years, tho the last 8 have not been great. My husband and I have 2 teenage girls, both are wonderful, smart, good heads on their shoulders, and are truly great kids. I'm so proud to be their mom! My DH was a great dad, I worked part time at night, so we were truly a parenting partnership.

8 years ago I quit my part time corporate job and started working part time from home, which was a mutual decision between my husband and I. I love my job, I love being home so i can participate in my kids daily lives more etc. I have a fantastic relationship with my kids. Problem is... my husband slowly gave up being a parent, after all, I was home full time now, so he didn't need to bother with anything having to deal with raising kids anymore, right? He gradually became more and more focused on work, and is truly addicted to the Internet, in the clinical sense of the word "addiction". He spends 12-14 hours a day sitting in front of his computer. He has given up communicating with his children, he has no idea what they're doing on a daily basis, absolutely no involvement with school activities, sports... nothing. 

The man I fell in love with and used to enjoy life with so much is gone. He used to love doing things, and being involved in life. He no longer has any friends, no hobbies, no activities, no nothing... just his computer. One of my daughters has completely written him off, will barely talk to him any more. And he wonders why, seriously!!! He has literally no clue that his behavior toward the kids over the years has caused this. My other daughter tries to engage him in conversations, activities, etc, but is starting to give up now as well.

He has become totally apathetic, including toward his own parents who have health problems and are elderly. He shows no emotion, he never gets excited about anything, has completely lost his sense of humor, etc. I feel like I'm living with a brick, or a doorknob, etc. 

The only reason I haven't left already is that his paycheck allows me to stay at home and only work part time from home, and to be a full time mom, which is truly the most important thing in the world to me. It's sad to say, but the only reason I'm still married is because of money. That sounds pathetic, but it's the truth. I feel nothing for my husband anymore because he has given up on his life and his family. I'm a very outgoing, social person, my kids are too, and I feel like I'm being smothered by his change in personality and lack of any emotion or desire to get off his butt and live his life. 

So... with the kids at home for a couple more years before finishing school, I honestly don't know if I should just wait it out so that I can still be there 100% for them, or if I should just ask him to leave now and get it over with. We don't fight, we don't argue, we don't treat each other disrespectfully, we just "exist" in the same house. Any time I mention anything about the way he chooses his computer over his kids, he puts up a huge defensive wall around himself and pretends that everything is just fine with the world. End of discussion...

I know nobody but me can make the final decision, but it would be nice to hear other's opinions and any comments or suggestions would be very welcome. 

Thanks!


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

The first thing is to insist he be screened for depression. I'm reading some red flags that point to that. 

You've been married for a long time. Do you want to walk away or do you want to fight? The fact that you aren't fighting sounds as if you have all ready emotionally checked out and are basically using him for the money. 

You mentioned that you do mention his computer habit to him, but have you ignored that issue and instead focused on getting what you want - which is more time and attention for you and your family? Have you had a family intervention? Do you feel as if you've done everything you possibly can and it just isn't working? 

Yes, you are the only one that can make the final decision, but ask yourself all the above questions and really listen to your heart before you decide.


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## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

I've considered that he may have depression, but I think it's more of an addiction to the Internet than true depression. It's no different than an addiction to gambling or drugs or alcohol, etc. It's something that consumes your life, you can't live without it for even a day, and it messes up your relationships with those who are close to you. 

And you hit it right on the nail... I know that I have been emotionally divorced from him for years. I know that there are two sides to every story, and that I've done things as well to cause the huge gap between us. I spent almost three years trying to get him to be engaged and involved with me and our children. I put a huge amount of effort and energy into trying to pull him into being an active part of our family unit. Every time... every soccer game or taekwondo demo or vacation, every school function, for three solid years, his computer always won. 

Then I went through a phase where I virtually stopped communicating with him, because he made it blatantly obvious that he would rather be surfing then Net than talking with me or his kids. He barely noticed that I had done an about-face, from constantly trying to talk to him, to almost total silence. He just didn't notice, or didn't care.

I've written him letters describing how I feel, since verbal communication is not his strong point. I've tried to talk to him about how I feel, or why the kids don't want to have anything to do with him anymore, but he just completely shuts down and won't talk with me. If I begin to hint that I'd like to see a marriage counselor with him, he denies that anything is wrong in the first place and doesn't understand. 

So... for the past 3 years or so we've just "existed" in the same house. I refuse to sit on my butt and not live my life. I have friends to visit with, places to travel to, concerts to go to, hiking to do, games to play with the kids, etc. I always tell him our plans and ask him to come along, and he always says no thanks, I'll just stay home. 

Yes, I've emotionally moved on and feel like I no longer have an relationship with my husband. At this point, we are definitely married for convenience. I've been through the whole range of emotions... anger, grief, pity-party, why me?, denial... and now I'm at a point where I can emotionally step back and look at things from a more rational perspective. 

And... I have to say that it is wonderful to have a place like this where I can get my thoughts and feelings out in the open, it's so nice to know that others understand


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

This is a wonderful, safe place to gain opinions, insight and just to share.

I'm sorry your husband can't see what's going on. I'm sure your children don't understand and feel abandoned by him, as well as you do.

Perhaps the best thing to do to wake him up, is to leave for awhile. If it is an addiction, it won't stop until he feels as if he's hit a bottom and obviously he's not there yet. Losing his family might be the wake up call that he really needs.


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## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

HappyHer - Thanks  My DH is out of town with his parents, his mother had a stroke a couple of days ago and after his spending 3 days sitting at home not doing anything, I told him this morning that he MUST go be with his parents right now. When she had a stroke 3 years ago and was in a rehab hospital for almost a month, he never once went to visit her, and we live less than 2 hours away. I told him to get his butt in the car and go take care of his parents, and he finally broke through the big wall he puts up and realized that he had to go this afternoon. I honestly don't think he would have gone if I hadn't insisted.

This is another thing that upsets me... he has a fairly good relationship with his elderly parents, but he doesn't seem to care what happens to them, or to take any responsibility for helping take care of them.... His lack of concern for his parents upsets my kids more than anything, I think. Our kids aren't stupid, they know exactly where they fall on his scale of priorities. They love their grandparents. When they see my DH acting this way, it just reinforces to them that he has given up caring about anything including his own parents...

So... I'll wait a little bit longer to see how my MIL recuperates and let DH deal with family matters, and to see if he finally takes some responsibility for her care from this point on. To me, this will be a big test. If he can't be bothered to be concerned about his own mother and to take on some of the responsibility for her care, then I will truly be able to say that I have no desire to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.

It's going to be wait-and-see for a little while.

I still appreciate being able to open up here and talk things through, it helps me to clarify things in my mind


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome. It's good to know he went to see his mother, even if it felt like an argument for him to make that decision.

Is he fully aware of how your children feel? That might be really important information for him to have.

I hope things work out for you. Let us know how you are doing when he gets back.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Hi DMB,

I understand when you wrote "I still appreciate being able to open up here and talk things through, it helps me to clarify things in my mind".

I feel the same. The writing, reading, editing cycle forces me to try to understand what is going on in my life.

I'm sorry to read about your husband, I hope he will get the help he needs, and although it doesn't seem to be helping my marriage which is essentially over, I did help my wife by finding a qualified counsellor, an APRN (advanced practice registered nurse) with a Ph.D in pharmacology. She has switched my wife from Paxil and Welbutrin to a better ant-depressant and is trying to find something that will help her sleep refresh her.

We've been together over 25 years, married for 21 and having difficulties for several years. She is my second wife, my first suffered from depression, after the birth of our 2nd child living with her was awful - one wrong word, a minor disagreement would cause her to stop talking to me until I literally had to beg. I was walking on eggs, knowing one would burst soon. Her record for not talking to me was 31 awful days - you could cut the tension with a knife.

My kids were 9 1/2 and 12 when I had enough, my wedding ring seemed to cut circulation to my entire body, and I took it off. Living with her was horrible, the bed cold as ice. I didn't want to leave my kids, I was crazy about them then, I still am even with the oldest almost 39, older than I was when I moved out.

My ex offered me a choice of her getting all of our substantial assets and having the kids 50% + of the time, or a multi-year fight that would enrich the attorneys. Having my kids with me Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturday and most Sundays was worth every penny then and has resulted in a closeness that many men, whether divorced or not, would envy. It wasn't easy, but I'm glad I did it, and glad I stayed connected despite the difficulties.

Speaking from experience and from recent years of my current wife's suffering from ADHD and/or depression and lack of emotional and physical intimacy I strongly recommend you and he physically separate. He needs to move out, start counselling and medications and you need a temporary child support and alimony order, once apart you and he can decide how you want to live the remainder of your lives.

I won't lie - separating will hurt, it will cost many dollars and sleep, but your husband's depression is putting a heavy load on you and your children. It will take years, but the sooner you start, the greater your chance of happiness. The kids will grow up sooner than you think, if your husband still lives under the same roof but isn't better they will probably avoid coming to your home as frequently as you might enjoy, not wanting to see the ongoing pain that you paint clearly with words.

I hope this has helped.

Mark


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## dmb459 (Aug 14, 2010)

Mark - you are so right. Just writing these posts, previewing them before posting, etc, helps me get my thoughts in order. 

I'm so glad that you have a great relationship with your children, and that when you separated from your ex-wife you realized that keeping a strong relationship with them was the most important thing. I think if I could find one ounce of that within my husband, I'd fight for staying with him, but it's just not there. Now with his mother's issues, his apathy is showing even more. 

We've already been in limbo for years, and I'm not going to do anything right now because at this point making certain that my in-laws are taken care of is the most important thing. I refuse to spring a surprise separation on them, and I need my DH to focus his energy on caring for them right now (note how I said "I need my DH to focus....", because he won't do it unless I push him.)

You're also totally correct that I need to figure this out before my kids leave for college. I have such an incredibly strong bond with them, and it would kill me if they didn't visit because of not wanting to see their dad. Yesterday when he left for his parent's, one of my daughters said that she was sad about her grandparents, but that it's a relief DH is not going to be in the house for a few days. And she's right... any time he's not here, I feel so much better, I feel happier, I feel like there is not a dark cloud constantly following me around. And my kids tend to be a lot more cheerful and fun and spontaneous when he's not here as well. Yeah... I think I'm seeing the signs  

Again... so helpful to write this all down. I've never been one for journaling, but writing it all down here is so helpful, it lets me see things so much more clearly in writing.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I understand if you want it to end, but while you have him up is a good time to urge him into counseling. There are centers that deal with internet and game addiction.


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