# How am I wrong here or am I?



## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

My wife is highly pissed with me right now because of what happened yesterday. My biological daughter is having my first grandchild, the family's first biological great-grandchild. This is my only child. My sister, and my daughter's best friend have been planning a gender reveal party and Sunday my sister called me to ask if they could have it at our house. I didn't have a problem with it. The problem is that I didn't discuss it with my wife first. Again, this is for my daughter not just some random girl I know.

The problem is that this coming Wed my wife is scheduled to have a minor, 45 minute procedure on her back and she doesn't want all those folks at our house on Sunday. The plans were that no one was coming into the house and everyone will remain outside. The event will most likely only be an hour or so. But she feels that since I didn't discuss it with her before agreeing to it I don't care about her or her health. No, I'm not downplaying her procedure but it's a minor 45 minute procedure not a 5 hour open heart surgery. She feels that she will still be home convalescing and won't be in the mood for people to come to our house. Women can spit out a baby and be home the next day up walking around. I had my gallbladder removed many years ago that took 3 hours or so with complications and again I was home a few hours later and up walking the next day. I told my wife she would be fine to just walk out on the front porch for a little while but she's going completely overboard about this, I think. If I'm wrong please say so but was I wrong to agree to have my daughter's gender reveal at our house that she grew up in or should I put my wife before her and tell them to have it somewhere else because my wife may not be up to folks at our house?

My wife feels that anytime I am asked anything I should always discuss it with her first or take her feelings into consideration. She says that I still think with the mindset of a single guy. She has done things in the past without discussing them with me and that's fine but the minute I do it she's ready to file for divorce.

She even got angry with me this weekend because my job imposed a mandatory 8 hour workday to get caught up on paperwork. Not only did I work all day Sat I decided to soak up more OT by working a few hours Fri night then again Sat night. She says I'm not spending any time wit her. Excuse me but we're both working from home so I was just in the bedroom on my workstation. She could have sit in there with me and we could have watched TV together or even just talked. Even with working that OT we still managed to go out to eat Fri, Sat, and Sun. Spent several hours together in church together but she's upset that I didn't spend any time with her. That OT is coming into our house so the more I work the better our financial situation will be. It's not like I was away from the house will she was home alone.

Do I have to ask permission in my own house?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@4thtwin,

This is not a matter of "proper etiquette" or who has to ask permission for what from whom. This is a matter of fear. Your wife is afraid. Since she is afraid, she would like to think that you will be thinking of her and "taking care of her" so she doesn't feel quite so scared. But instead, you are thinking of your daughter and the gender reveal...and in your wife's mind that means you aren't thinking of her AT ALL. So she has this thing she is afraid of, and she has to face it all by herself (rather than having big, strong hubby there to "protect" her from the scary thing).

I think instead of getting into semantics about rules (who has to ask permission), I recommend that you show some compassion. How would you feel if you had to face a medical procedure that you were a bit scared about, and your wife just acted like it was clipping your toenails? Rationally speaking, it may be a commonplace, routine procedure that is done hundreds of times each year, but for your wife it is scary (and it's conceivable she won't admit she is afraid, but trust me, her reaction here is a reaction of FEAR). So have some compassion for the fact she's a little afraid of what might happen, how she'll feel, if it will hurt, etc. And if a person is hurting, under the weather, and yucky...they don't want people in the house seeing 'em like that! They want privacy in order to heal and get better. 

Soooo...first things first--talk to your wife. Tell her you've reconsidered and you have compassion for this procedure that is going to take place. Tell her you have changed your own mind and would like to make sure she is safe and well before even thinking of anyone else (including your daughter). Ask if the two of you could reach an agreement about the gender reveal, because the two of you are a team. Then from there, just negotiate with her about whatever is reasonable for both of you--doing it the FOLLOWING Saturday or Sunday or doing at someone else's house or ??? Get it?

Then contact your sister and daughter's friend, let them know that YOU reconsidered and that due to your wife's procedure, Plan A (Sunday at your house) won't work, but you could do Plan B or Plan C (whatever options you and your wife agreed to together). If those work...great! If not, then sister and daughter's friend can come up with other options of their own that don't involve your house


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Agreed, surgery is very scary for some people. She is not sure how she's going to feel, if she'll be up for company, if she'll feel well enough to make sure the house is "presentable" etc, etc etc. I had my gallbladder out a couple of years ago and I was home the next day. That doesn't mean I wanted a house full of guests the next day. If it's her house she feels like she has to host, which includes, cleaning, cooking, greeting guests, etc. You can say all you want she doesn't have to do those things but she mostly likely feels that she does.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

But she doesn't have to host.

Still, I'd of let her know your plans, first, to try and resolve a timely situation, that's just good etiquette. 

Have all us Hs done the same as you, over a ltr, absolutely, and she needs to care about your daughter, too, or what's the reasoning there.

Make sure your W hears all the right words that she, after the dr/procedure, is your primary concern, and you also want her to see that you're a good father, too, in balance.

Everyone should get over their hurt feelings and move forward like adults. 

Bring her flowers, something, let her know you're there for her, be a little firm but not overbearing. 

Then drop it.

Good luck!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What's the procedure?


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

My wife tends to be anti-social. Even when she is 100% healthy I've asked can we invite a few friends or family over for a little while and it's typically no. I refuse to always have to side with her because she doesn't want anyone at our house. There will be sometimes when she has to say yes to keep the peace. Again, no one will be coming into the house for covid reasons so it you didn't go to the bathroom before you get here go down the street to the gas station and take your chances. This is my house too. I love my wife but I'm not going to live in fear of her either. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> But she doesn't have to host.


Sorry, but I have never met a woman who could have a bunch of people at her home and not feel that she was the host of the event and therefore had tons of responsibilities. 

OP, offer to have a cleaning service come in prior to the event and tell her you'll do all the decluttering before they arrive. Have the event catered so there is very little for her to do. Tell her you'll do all the cleanup.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

4thtwin said:


> My wife tends to be anti-social. Even when she is 100% healthy I've asked can we invite a few friends or family over for a little while and it's typically no. I refuse to always have to side with her because she doesn't want anyone at our house. There will be sometimes when she has to say yes to keep the peace. Again, no one will be coming into the house for covid reasons so it you didn't go to the bathroom before you get here go down the street to the gas station and take your chances. This is my house too. I love my wife but I'm not going to live in fear of her either. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.


So even more so than what I described she doesn't want people at your house. Is it anxiety maybe??

i agree, a marriage should never be a dictatorship.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Livvie said:


> What's the procedure?


Apparently it's a pinched nerve that's causing her some leg pain. Again, I understand her health is a priority but my daughter is a priority too.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Sorry, but I have never met a woman who could have a bunch of people at her home and not feel that she was the host of the event and therefore had tons of responsibilities.
> 
> OP, offer to have a cleaning service come in prior to the event and tell her you'll do all the decluttering before they arrive. Have the event catered so there is very little for her to do. Tell her you'll do all the cleanup.


Again, no one is coming into the house. Everyone is going to stay outside. It's only going to be about an hour or so tops. They're not coming in for a sit down to meet and greet. When the people get here they'll get out of their cars and congregate in the front yard. Do the gender reveal and chat a little while to congratulate the couple and then go home. I'm not taxed to fix dinner. My sister is getting a bunch of cupcakes and that's it.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> So even more so than what I described she doesn't want people at your house. Is it anxiety maybe??
> 
> i agree, a marriage should never be a dictatorship.


Exactly but when ever she raises her iron fist I and supposed to do as she says.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

There is more going on here than using proper etiquette. Perhaps marriage counseling would help--just not before the weekend. Resentment is frothing over from both in all directions.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sorry, you should have asked you W if the party at your home would be ok. It makes little difference if there is a virus or not.


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## 4thtwin (Oct 5, 2020)

Please understand that this isn't the first time we have had a discussion about this gender reveal party. It has moved locations several times so my wife is fully aware of what's going on. It's not like I just told her my daughter was pregnant and we surprised her yesterday by telling her we're doing the gender reveal at our house Sun.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Saturday was a beautiful day here. I saw parties while eating at the outdoor facility near a lake in the park and also along the river. Folks were in bring your own lawn chairs with cupcakes on a folding table--balloons and festivity everywhere.

You did not discus the invitation with your wife because you knew she would object. My last recommendation still holds. This has become a mountain too steep to climb.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

With respect, finding out someone is pregnant does not automatically mean "you will be having guests with very little notice" 

Have you told her that the plans basically involve some cupcakes and an hour in the backyard? She might be picturing something much more involved, I know I did when I first read about it. (I know nothing about gender reveal parties!)


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

One week before the scheduled event, the party planner still didn't have a venue selected? Don't you think your sister could have given you a little more heads up?

Would it have made a difference if the house was yours and your wife's rather than yours and your daughter's childhood home?

You should have discussed with your wife to be sure there were no scheduling conflicts. It's what courteous married folk do.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re in the middle — you either make your wife happy and have it elsewhere or you make your daughter happy and have it outside her childhood home. (At least I’m assuming they would each be happy with that.) My question is why does it have to be that particular day? Why not the next weekend? Or do you think your wife will object no matter when (or where) it’s held?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You say you're not downplaying your wife's procedure, yet in the next breath you say it's not like it's a 5 hour open heart surgery. Then you brag about how quickly you recovered from your gallbladder surgery, even with complications. That sure does sound like downplaying to me.

I agree with Affaircare--she is scared. I would be too.

You were wrong to agree to host the party at your house without asking your wife first. Any woman I've known in this scenario would at least feel obligated to make a quick appearance, having just had surgery or no. We women are the queen of our castles and to know that a party is going on without our even having said hello ruffles our feathers. It's not a good look.

And what happens, heaven forbid, if your wife has complications from her surgery? Then what? Even if it was smooth sailing, your wife needs your undivided attention to help her recover. And she needs peace and quiet.

And her being upset at you working OT tells me that she is wanting to spend more time with you. Alone. Just the two of you.

You need to start making her a priority, sir. And quickly.

Tell your daughter she needs to find a different venue. It's Monday, she should have no problem finding another one.

Now go apologize to your wife.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

May I ask what the relationship is between your wife and your daughter? Is there some issue there that could be contributing to your wife's problem with the gathering?


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## Johnyx (Sep 29, 2020)

4thtwin said:


> My wife is highly pissed with me right now because of what happened yesterday. My biological daughter is having my first grandchild, the family's first biological great-grandchild. This is my only child. My sister, and my daughter's best friend have been planning a gender reveal party and Sunday my sister called me to ask if they could have it at our house. I didn't have a problem with it. The problem is that I didn't discuss it with my wife first. Again, this is for my daughter not just some random girl I know.
> 
> The problem is that this coming Wed my wife is scheduled to have a minor, 45 minute procedure on her back and she doesn't want all those folks at our house on Sunday. The plans were that no one was coming into the house and everyone will remain outside. The event will most likely only be an hour or so. But she feels that since I didn't discuss it with her before agreeing to it I don't care about her or her health. No, I'm not downplaying her procedure but it's a minor 45 minute procedure not a 5 hour open heart surgery. She feels that she will still be home convalescing and won't be in the mood for people to come to our house. Women can spit out a baby and be home the next day up walking around. I had my gallbladder removed many years ago that took 3 hours or so with complications and again I was home a few hours later and up walking the next day. I told my wife she would be fine to just walk out on the front porch for a little while but she's going completely overboard about this, I think. If I'm wrong please say so but was I wrong to agree to have my daughter's gender reveal at our house that she grew up in or should I put my wife before her and tell them to have it somewhere else because my wife may not be up to folks at our house?
> 
> ...


My wife was exactly the same , I couldn’t invite or accept an invitation before discussing it with her.
I finally got fed up and left her last week and I can do whatever I want now.
Tell her to stay in her bedroom outa the way.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I do think that you should have asked her first. Inviting people round for a social gathering always needs to be discussed with your spouse before you say yes, especially in the circumstances.
Could it not be held at your sisters house? Or your daughters? Also I doubt it will only be only an hour long, surely food will need to be provided? Its unlikely they will all disappear immediately after the gender reveal. (I just dont get these gender reveal parties myself, just tell people or dont).
Maybe you wife is like me in that if I feel weary or sore or uncomfortable, the last thing I can deal with is visitors and especially if she will need to cater for them all.

The remarks you made about childbirth were crass, few women recover that fast, of course a man wouldnt understand that. If you were walking round the next day after an operation you were lucky, most people dont, but you didnt have to deal with catering for visitors did you, you could still rest. Your remarks are callous and mean.

If I were you I would ask another family member if they can host it due to your wifes operation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Johnyx said:


> My wife was exactly the same , I couldn’t invite or accept an invitation before discussing it with her.
> I finally got fed up and left her last week and I can do whatever I want now.
> Tell her to stay in her bedroom outa the way.


Its respectful to talk about these things together first.


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## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

4thtwin said:


> My wife tends to be anti-social. Even when she is 100% healthy I've asked can we invite a few friends or family over for a little while and it's typically no. I refuse to always have to side with her because she doesn't want anyone at our house. There will be sometimes when she has to say yes to keep the peace. Again, no one will be coming into the house for covid reasons so it you didn't go to the bathroom before you get here go down the street to the gas station and take your chances. This is my house too. I love my wife but I'm not going to live in fear of her either. Marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.


If she's an introvert then even more reason why @Affaircare 's advice is important. It's a lot of mental energy to have a gathering at the house if you're an introvert. So since she's already nervous about the procedure, this just compounds it greatly.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’m a guy and also not crazy about a house full of family or in-laws. 

You asked how wrong you are. My answer on a 1-7 scale, you are at about an 8.2 a 8.9.

She’s having a procedure and needs to rest and recover and will probably still be under the influence of medications.

What were you thinking? 

I wouldn’t want in-laws in the house if I was home recovering, let alone kids that weren’t mine. 

Fall on your sword on this one and tell your daughter you can’t host the party do to your wife’s surf. 

If your daughter pops a cog then she is kind of an ass.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, what is your wife's relationship with your daughter like?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, what is your wife's relationship with your daughter like?


Exactly what I was wondering, too.

I can kinda see from both sides, here. And sure, there could be the respect of asking her first. For speculation sake, there could be more empathy to how she feels about her health; social anxiety; dynamics of the relationships; factors of control; feeling considered.

And the flip-side, it's held in the front-yard and doesn't sound like she needs to be involved. So, from that perspective, not a big deal to accept being the venue for your daughter. Heck, perhaps she could even stay inside if she needs. But then again, depends on the other factors being speculated about. As well as personality. While you indicate your wife may not be like this, I will echo another TAM member's feeling about hosting. Regardless if someone else was leading it, my personality would want to ensure the front yard is presentable and comfortable for the guests, I'd likely be considering decorations and other things... so there's energy and thought involved with that... as well as the actual socializing. I'm typically extroverted and thrive on putting effort into that kind of thing, but if I was concerned that I wouldn't be feeling up to it, and depending how I felt with the people coming over (yes, even being outside), that could have me taking pause, too. It does seem there's more to this than simply shared etiquette.

From here, what can you do to remind her that you're still on the same team? Taking up a battle stance isn't going to do anyone (you, her, the relationship, your daughter and the celebration) any favors.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

4thtwin said:


> She feels that she will still be home convalescing and won't be in the mood for people to come to our house.


No sooner had I responded that I reread your opening post. 

Please don't disregard her feelings here. Do what is needed to get back on the same team.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

You asked for opinions. Here's mine.

Dude, you're wrong. Not because of some stereotype that husbands are always wrong, or "if momma ain't happy, then no-one's happy", or anything like that. It's because, even if it is outside, you are creating a type of imposition on her. Even if you don't see it that way, you are.

She's going to have a procedure on her back. You are minimizing it with your "it's not open heart surgery" comment. I think you minimize and underestimate the recovery even from a "45 minute procedure". I work with doctors and nurses every day of my life, and even interact with their patients, so I can guarantee you that you are minimizing it. She has the absolute right to refuse to have any event at her home, even outside. (If you don't think there will be pressure on her to come outside, even emotionally, you are mistaken.)


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Its your house as well as hers. No need to ask permission.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

4thtwin said:


> No, I'm not downplaying her procedure but it's a minor 45 minute procedure not a 5 hour open heart surgery.
> 
> *Yes, you are downplaying her procedure. Wow.*
> 
> ...


Who's going to get the yard ready for guests? Who's going to tell them they can't come inside if they want to use the bathroom? Who's going to prepare the food/drinks? Serve them?

OP, you're wrong. Surgery or not, you don't agree to have a gaggle of people over to your home, without even running it past your spouse first.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> Its your house as well as hers. No need to ask permission.


How is running something past your spouse and discussing it, asking permission?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This type thing happened to me except my deal was different surgery--emergency after an accident. My now ex wanted to continue with scheduled party (more complicated than yours) two days later saying he'd take care of everything. My doc thought I needed more hospital time to learn to function with new injury. (Doc discussed this alone with me and was flabbergasted at Ex.) 

Ex was pissed at me. Teenage kids were upset with Ex. The kids called about 50 people and said we had to cancel. Everyone was understanding except Ex.

Civility within the home is even more important than civility without. Marriage should be teamwork, compromise, understanding, not competition and powerplays.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

A work colleague once had forty people, including us, over to his and his wifes home, to watch a football final *the day he and his wife brought their baby home from the hospital.* The day!!!! 

We were gobsmacked, we thought she'd still be in hospital but she was home. She was exhausted, sore, bleeding and clearly not up for a house full of people. And that was a regular, text book birth with no complications. I felt terrible for her, as did a lot of other guests. We put her to bed and brought her cups of tea, and one of our colleagues went out to the pool room and ripped her husband a new one in front of everyone for having us there


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

frusdil said:


> How is running something past your spouse and discussing it, *asking permission*?


Yes, this is important. There's a difference between cooperating with your spouse, and prostrating yourself, or an "iron fist". Some people are so afraid of being subjugated!

This is the first big challenge of marriage - to cooperate without either dominating or feeling dominated.

I made this mistake - inviting people round without consulting - in the first couple of years of my marriage. About 40 years ago. I still remember.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> A work colleague once had forty people, including us, over to his and his wifes home, to watch a football final *the day he and his wife brought their baby home from the hospital.* The day!!!!
> 
> We were gobsmacked, we thought she'd still be in hospital but she was home. She was exhausted, sore, bleeding and clearly not up for a house full of people. And that was a regular, text book birth with no complications. I felt terrible for her, as did a lot of other guests. We put her to bed and brought her cups of tea, and one of our colleagues went out to the pool room and ripped her husband a new one in front of everyone for having us there



I don't know, did the H have the event catered, house cleaned before and after, have a nanny there, I'd thing family would be there, make sure mom didn't have to lift a finger?

There are many unknowns that make H either an Ahole or martyr dealing with unexpected timing in the big picture.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Even if the party is outside only, people will come in to use bathroom, wash their hands, etc. you need to be prepared for this and have your house presentable. Besides, if it’s your house most women would ferl obligated to prepare something extra, some snacks, drinks, etc. 

You are looking at this a s a guy. She knows what goes into party planning, even if theoretically you just provide the venue. 
it is extra stress that I would not want to have right after whatever medical procedures she will have.
Making decisions together is not a t


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't know, did the H have the event catered, house cleaned before and after, have a nanny there, I'd thing family would be there, make sure mom didn't have to lift a finger?
> 
> There are many unknowns that make H either an Ahole or martyr dealing with unexpected timing in the big picture.


Doesn’t matter what state was house in. You sore, tired, sleep deprived and bring new baby home. Hell, no party of any kind.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *I don't know*, did the H have the event catered, house cleaned before and after, have a nanny there, I'd thing family would be there, make sure mom didn't have to lift a finger?
> 
> There are many unknowns that make H either an Ahole or martyr dealing with unexpected timing in the big picture.


I sure as hell do. Any guy who has a crowd over to watch a bloody game on the day his wife has arrived home with baby after giving birth is an asshole. There isn't a decent person on the planet who wouldn't understand the need to cancel the party.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> I sure as hell do. Any guy who has a crowd over to watch a bloody game on the day his wife has arrived home with baby after giving birth is an asshole. There isn't a decent person on the planet who wouldn't understand the need to cancel the party.


Yep, and I don't really disagree that is the probable situation summary, but, in the interest of not knowing absolutely all of the details there are different perspectives possible at least. 

Maybe a lynching is called for.

But in the other hand, possibly not.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

If this was a 10,000 sq ft home, they have servants, this was on a career/work related calendar for the last six months, company executives flying in from out of the country and domestic, this guy has been lobbying to have this event at his estate for years, this year it came to pass, etc, it's one possibility the show must go on.

Granted, if they live in a double wide, small, no outside venue, no separate inside venue, it is totally different.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My husband had a 45 minute procedure on his back

My husband had a 45 minute procedure on his back to relieve a pinched nerve that was causing him leg pain. They told him he would be up walking the same day and go home the next day. Instead, he had a severe nauseous reaction to the anesthesia, over the top reactions to the pain medications and extreme pain in between doses. He ended up staying in the hospital 4 days before he was finally released and had extreme pain for almost a month after being released. The stitches pushed themselves out and the wound opened back up. Infection was a real worry. Along with fear of becoming addicted to the opiate pain medication he was given so he was reluctant to take it. His surgery was a year ago last month and he STILL sleeps on the couch because our bed is too soft for him and sleeping in it causes him pain the entire next day.



Point being, minor procedure or not, you honestly have no idea how minor this will go over. What we expected as minor ended up being a huge ordeal. Most likely your wife has googled the procedure, read horror stories or maybe she’s even had procedures before that she’s reacted negatively to and is worried?



I would be incredibly angry if my husband planned an event at my home without consulting me – ESPECIALLY so soon after having a medical procedure. Regardless of what that event was. My husband invites people over often and I rarely get any notices and it is honestly infuriating. I live here as well, and no matter how much I have to be “involved” if there are people at my home, I would like to be able to give my input on it, and a woman will always feel the need to entertain in some form or another.



It’s just basic respect to discuss it with your spouse. It’s not asking permission.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sbrown said:


> Its your house as well as hers. No need to ask permission.


Sure there is. It is called respect.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

I don't think your wrong at all. Sounds to me like your wife is a selfish drama queen. You said this is your daughters childhood home so I am assuming this is a second or third wife who moved into your home. I'd tell her this is my daughter and I'm going to do this. Don't like it go ahead and file - and stay in the bedroom out of the way if you don't want to participate or a problem during the event.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Nailhead said:


> Sure there is. It is called respect.


It is not disrespectful for him to allow their daughter to have this event there.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

He's not asking the controlling wife to do anything. Her feelings of being obligated are just that, hers to deal with.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I truly can’t imagine the hurt I would feel for someone to plan a party at my home and not even involve me or give a **** if I attended or not. The fact that she isn’t being asked to do anything makes it even worse.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> Apparently it's a pinched nerve that's causing her some leg pain. Again, I understand her health is a priority but my daughter is a priority too.


So she is getting injections? They put you under for like 5 min, do the injection and you go home. Ive had it done 3x wife 2x. No fuss other than the bill! Hopefully she will get some relief from it.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I understand your wife's reaction. I'm an introvert and I have to ready myself to have people over. It's not something I do it on purpose. Socializing drains me completely.

You could ask her to stay inside the house the whole time and you'll be in charge of everything before and after the the event IF everything goes well with her procedure. 

You can call your sister and tell her to look for plan B because you really don't know how the procedure is going to turn out.

Reassure your wife she doesn't have to do absolutely anything for the reveal, and tell her they are looking at another venue as well. 

If the reveal is going to be so quick, why aren't they having it at a park or another outdoor place? That way no one gets mad or offended!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

4thtwin said:


> My wife feels that anytime I am asked anything I should always discuss it with her first or take her feelings into consideration.


I do exactly this, often while I am still on the phone with family. My wife get furious at me because if she wants to say "no" to something that my family can hear her through the phone. She insists that I should somehow end the conversation without any explanation as to why I can't answer and then call them back later. This way my wife is not put on the spot with my family listening in on the conversation. I tell my wife that if I do that they still will know that she is the one that said no, but now it is just extremely awkward that I have to end the conversation with no answer and hang up for no apparent reason. 

The only solution is to just say "no" to everything that friends and family ask and blame it on yourself by making up a stupid lie that has to do with everyone's schedules being too complicated, the toilets are stopped up, and that you may be having the septic system pumped out at that time you are not sure. Then go ask your wife and if she says OK, you call your family/friends back and say that it turns out that the schedule is actually free that day that you were just confused but that it would be best if everyone poops at home before coming over.



Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

badsanta said:


> I do exactly this, often while I am still on the phone with family. My wife get furious at me because if she wants to say "no" to something that my family can hear her through the phone. She insists that I should somehow end the conversation without any explanation as to why I can't answer and then call them back later. This way my wife is not put on the spot with my family listening in on the conversation. I tell my wife that if I do that they still will know that she is the one that said no, but now it is just extremely awkward that I have to end the conversation with no answer and hang up for no apparent reason.
> 
> The only solution is to just say "no" to everything that friends and family ask and blame it on yourself by making up a stupid lie that has to do with everyone's schedules being too complicated, the toilets are stopped up, and that you may be having the septic system pumped out at that time you are not sure. Then go ask your wife and if she says OK, you call your family/friends back and say that it turns out that the schedule is actually free that day that you were just confused but that it would be best if everyone poops at home before coming over.
> 
> ...


For heaven's sake. All you have to do is say that you'll check the family's calendar and get back to them.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

dude, you screwed up. there is no such thing as a "minor procedure". if anything goes wrong, and she is in pain, she is going to HATE having 50 people in the back yard.

and especially for something as superfluous as a "gender reveal" party.

rent a hall somewhere and do it there.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sbrown said:


> It is not disrespectful for him to allow their daughter to have this event there.


It is disrespectful to not consult your spouse when family parties are concerned. The event does not matter. It is mutual agreement to open ones home to a host of guests.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I don't know, did the H have the event catered, house cleaned before and after, have a nanny there, I'd thing family would be there, make sure mom didn't have to lift a finger?
> 
> There are many unknowns that make H either an Ahole or martyr dealing with unexpected timing in the big picture.


Nope, no nanny, no house clean (the house was fine but still). He was an arse who vowed that "this baby isn't going to change my life one bit". Insisted his wife go to a wedding with him when she was 150 months pregnant and in pain. Wouldn't be reasonable and have her attend just the ceremony, then drop her home and head on to the reception, nope, she had to attend the whole damn thing.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

frusdil said:


> Insisted his wife go to a wedding with him when she was 150 months pregnant and in pain. Wouldn't be reasonable and have her attend just the ceremony, then drop her home and head on to the reception, nope, *she had to attend the whole damn thing*.


Now _that's_ controlling.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

frusdil said:


> Nope, no nanny, no house clean (the house was fine but still). He was an arse who vowed that "this baby isn't going to change my life one bit". Insisted his wife go to a wedding with him when she was 150 months pregnant and in pain. Wouldn't be reasonable and have her attend just the ceremony, then drop her home and head on to the reception, nope, she had to attend the whole damn thing.


In this case then, he just sucks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

frusdil said:


> Nope, no nanny, no house clean (the house was fine but still). He was an arse who vowed that "this baby isn't going to change my life one bit". Insisted his wife go to a wedding with him when she was 150 months pregnant and in pain. Wouldn't be reasonable and have her attend just the ceremony, then drop her home and head on to the reception, nope, she had to attend the whole damn thing.


If they're still married, she's an idiot.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> It is not disrespectful for him to allow their daughter to have this event there.


It IS disrespectful to plan to hold something at a home you share with your wife and not run it past her first, let alone when she'll be days out from a medical procedure.



Blondilocks said:


> If they're still married, she's an idiot.


Haha, they're not


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

frusdil said:


> It IS disrespectful to plan to hold something at a home you share with your wife and not run it past her first, let alone when she'll be days out from a medical procedure.
> 
> 
> 
> Haha, they're not


Please tell me the guy complained that he was completely blindsided.😂


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is for your daughter. I would say your wife is over reacting to the situation. You are not in the wrong at all.

It actually sounds like your wife needs and wants ALL of your time. Like you said, she could have sat with you and talked while you were working from home. It sounds like nothing you do is good enough or just down right wrong.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Our daughter is married and out of the house. When she plans to come over she asks either one of us. This includes when she meets up with her girlfriends at our house. We just let the other know what’s going on, no big deal. 

OP’s wife sounds like a drama queen.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sitting around and trying to talk with someone when they are working isn't spending quality time with them because their body may be there but their attention is not. If you think it's so great, then don't complain when you're having sex with your wife and she's watching tv or on her phone.

And, the OP is expecting his wife to put in an appearance:



4thtwin said:


> I told my wife she would be fine to just walk out on the front porch for a little while


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

For me, the question of whether or not it's okay to invite people to your home without consulting with your partner first is simply a matter of compatibility. Some people are perfectly okay with getting home from work to find a bunch of drunk folks partying it up on their back porch and raiding their refrigerator. These types of people wouldn't dream of (may, in fact, rebel instantaneously to the mere notion of) consulting with their partner before inviting people over. But, on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who would not be okay with surprise guests and would never dream of inviting people to their home without consulting their partner first. Neither type is wrong. The problem comes when you find yourself partnered with someone who's the opposite type. 

My ex-husband was a big one for surprising me with houseguests, dinner guests, party guests, or even just a bunch of guys to watch the game. No matter what I might or might not have had going on at the time. Interestingly, there were a lot of things he didn't feel it was important to discuss with me ahead of time. 

I would never, ever, again be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think consulting me before making plans is the right thing to do. Luckily, my SO and I both agree that we don't make plans for one another, or us jointly as a couple, without discussing it first. He does not, in fact, need my permission to have people over. But he does respect me enough to discuss it before inviting them. And I do the same. If we didn't agree on that, we would neither be wrong or right, but simply incompatible.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Rowan said:


> For me, the question of whether or not it's okay to invite people to your home without consulting with your partner first is simply a matter of compatibility. Some people are perfectly okay with getting home from work to find a bunch of drunk folks partying it up on their back porch and raiding their refrigerator. These types of people wouldn't dream of (may, in fact, rebel instantaneously to the mere notion of) consulting with their partner before inviting people over. But, on the other end of the spectrum, there are people who would not be okay with surprise guests and would never dream of inviting people to their home without consulting their partner first. Neither type is wrong. The problem comes when you find yourself partnered with someone who's the opposite type.
> 
> My ex-husband was a big one for surprising me with houseguests, dinner guests, party guests, or even just a bunch of guys to watch the game. No matter what I might or might not have had going on at the time. Interestingly, there were a lot of things he didn't feel it was important to discuss with me ahead of time.
> 
> I would never, ever, again be in a relationship with someone who doesn't think consulting me before making plans is the right thing to do. Luckily, my SO and I both agree that we don't make plans for one another, or us jointly as a couple, without discussing it first. He does not, in fact, need my permission to have people over. But he does respect me enough to discuss it before inviting them. And I do the same. If we didn't agree on that, we would neither be wrong or right, but simply incompatible.


My husband is the type to invite others over without asking, and I hate it. MOST of the time, I wouldn't mind if I had some advanced notice. But there for a while he would have friends over every Friday night and at the end of the work week the last thing I wanted to do was entertain people. Had it been Saturday, I would've been in a better mood about it. Now he tells me, but it's usually 10 minutes to a half hour before they show up. We have a dog who doesn't like strangers (and especially kids) so having people over now is so stressful for me. My husband is convinced the dog will never hurt anyone, her signals to me show different. So he invites people over and then I have to sit in a separate room with the dog the entire night praying people don't try to come in and talk to me. She weighs 160 pounds, so it will be a real issue if she decides to act on her feelings. Outside of that, I'm a complete introvert - unless it's on my terms - so hanging out with a bunch of people is something that I need to be prepared for in advance.


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