# Really Bad Fight



## Help for Happiness

Today My wife and I had a really bad fight. (Its been lasting for a few days now really). we have to usual marriage drama I think. Money sometimes, both work so cant spend alot of quality time together or both really tired when we can, and just things like that. Today I really hurt her feelings though. to the point where she was crying really bad all day. I had no idea what to do. It seemed the more i talked and tried to help the more it was getting worse. Her mother eventually came over and help her feel better. Now she doesn't think i love her or care about her at all but that isn't true at all! 
This same fight has actually occurred more than once. It arises when she hasn't slept very well for awhile. Shes a nurse on shift work with insomnia. I know this about her and I know how she gets when shes tired and its really snappy and grumpy. I can usually catch this and realize the root to her attitude and try and make her feel better but sometimes i get the same way and our relationship tumbles from there. I get really tired and snappy too, lose my patience at her attitude and we fight. She thinks I don't care about her not sleeping and I get defensive in return where to the point where she thinks I'm attacking her and it goes back to back. 

I need help! I don't want to lose her over this but it keeps getting worse.


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## jld

Oh, I am sorry to hear this. Could she possibly change her work schedule?

What do you think you could do when you start to feel yourself getting defensive?


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## Catherine602

Do you feel comfortable telling exactly what you said and what she said. Is she as caring about your challenges as she expects you to be about her insomnia? 

It has to go both ways. She has to give too, if she is not then you have to let her know in a kind and loving way. Don't be too conciliatory. If you were both sh1ty to each other then you both need to make amends. You are worried about her leaving so you are backing off in ways that seems like you are the only one at fault. But it depends on how bad what you said was. 

Look, if she didn't walk by now, she ain't going nowhere so don't grovel. If she says she wants to leave over this, tell her you feel you can both work this out but if she feels too bad, you understand if she wants to run. Don't act frightened but be loving and caring. Bet she drys up and asks Mom to go home. 

This is an opportunity for both of you to learn to fight fairy and to stop hurting each other. Would you consider MC?


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## anchorwatch

First thing tonight, apologize for you part in escalating the conflict, then back off, give her space, and wait till she wants to talk. While you're waiting make sure you keep your side of the street clean and leave no reason for tension around the house. Don't be a pouting hurt little boy. 

Next, stop trying to fix things. Women want a man to listen and validate their feelings, not tell them what to do. Get it?

Now for you defensiveness. Little boys get their feelings hurt, become defensive, and lash out to hurt their loved ones. A man listens and understands what his wife is stressed about. He stays calm, doesn't view it as a personal attack, and listens to what his spouse needs. If it's not a selfish demand, doesn't compromise who he is, and within his capabilities, he works towards it. Just as is expected from her. A man doesn't allow himself to be belittled either, he's not a boy. 

For right now, work at being the husband, partner and man in the relationship, not the little boy. No more angry outburst or righteous arguments on your part. No one wins in a fight, it just puts more resentment into a relationship. You'll need to work towards being the leader and not be drawn into arguments. 

Have you read Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages?

Here's one just for you, Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men


Best


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## Thundarr

I'm not sure you're the only solution here. Respect is a two way street. You can certainly control how you treat your wife but don't make excuses for why she's grumpy and grouchy because she also has to treat you nice as well. Otherwise you'll be walking on eggshells and may start to resemble a doormat.


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## EleGirl

I would help to know what was said and why.

In the meantime, what are you and your wife doing to fix the insomnia and extreme tiredness you two have?


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## Help for Happiness

First of all, Thanks for all the response. It really helps to hear what you all have to say. It definitely has been giving me some clarity. 

As far as treating the tiredness we have been working together to remedy. Healthier diets, exercising together and generally just trying to keep a decent sleep schedule when we can. 

When it comes to "lashing out" as Anchorwatch was saying, this definitely sounds like what I have been doing. It is very childish I agree. I am still young and learning and going to try and keep that under control better. thanks for the book references, I will have to check them out.

My wife and I have been talking alot and I did apologize about escalating the situation. She seems willing to talk and all I have been trying to do answer any questions she has and listen to what she is saying (or trying to say). As far as telling her what has been frustrating me, this is my downfall. I have a hard time doing this. I feel like I'm being mean but I suppose it's necessary right? Is there a good or bad time to do this?


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## EleGirl

How old are you and your wife?
Do you have children?

Is your wife working night shifts? A lot of nurses work 3 - 4 12 hour sifts a week. Is this what she is doing?

If her insomnia is affecting her to the extent that I think you are saying here, she needs to see her doctor (or better yet a sleep doctor) to get her sleep problems solved.

Over time they can lead to depression, make a person appear to be bi-polar or AD/HD, weight gain, and other health problems.

Has she found anything that can help her get to sleep and stay asleep when she's experiencing insomnia? One thing that find that can help is Melatonin (you can find it just about anywhere vitamins are sold). Another thing that I use when I'm really struggling with insomnia is Benadryl, even half a caplet works to get me to sleep and keep me to sleep.


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## askari

I know two wrongs don't make a right and often someone had to take the lead.

Women tend to be more emotional than men and cry far more easily.
Sometimes they use it as a weapon.

'He upset me so much I spent the rest of the day crying'. Hang on....Sometimes my wife says things to me that really hurt, cut to the bone infact but I don't burst into tears and spend the rest of the day weeping and sobbing. Because I don't cry and sob does it make me less 'hurt'? NO!
So does my wife come and say sorry? No because she doesnt think I am 'hurting' because I'm not crying.

I'm afraid crying and sobbing women just don't do it for me anymore....95% of the time


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## anchorwatch

Welcome, Help for Happiness



Help for Happiness said:


> My wife and I have been talking alot and I did apologize about escalating the situation. She seems willing to talk and all I have been trying to do answer any questions she has and listen to what she is saying (or trying to say). *As far as telling her what has been frustrating me, this is my downfall. I have a hard time doing this. I feel like I'm being mean but I suppose it's necessary right? Is there a good or bad time to do this?*


It is necessary to communicate your thoughts and needs. How else would she know what you wanted or how you want to be treated? You might think she should be able too, but in reality she can't read your mind. To not communicate your thoughts would get you a life you never wanted and leave you with simmering anger. (Look up the 'passive aggressive man'. It's that hurt little boy again.) If you just keep your mouth shut to avoid conflict, to avoid uncomfortable conversations, or just to please her, over time she learns to believe that's what you want. So when you bark back, she's surprised and hurt. She also learns to believe you don't care about these things and you've abdicated you role as an equal partner. Over time she starts to become the leader in the relationship. All the while you're gathering resentment and boiling over. 

I'm not talking about you jumping out and spouting demands. I'm talking about you getting over the fear of being honest with yourself and her. Of course, you will see some blowback from her at first if she's not used to you speaking up about your feelings. But before long she will learn to appreciate your honesty, as it won't leave her always guessing about what is going to leave you angry or not. You need to practice at it. Think about what you need to say, then say it. Before long it will just become normal conversation. 

Learn when to say yes, and when to say no without feeling bad. Boundaries in Marriage or Boundaries




Help for Happiness said:


> I am still young and learning


Yes, you are and that's the natural process. One of my favorite quotes is from Dr. David Schnarch, "No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage."


Best


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## Jellybeans

You don't say what you did to "really hurt her feelings" but I advise that you apologize sincerely and tell her you do not want to hurt her like that again. Then follow through with actions.

Do something sweet for her.


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## turnera

Help for Happiness said:


> Today My wife and I had a really bad fight. (Its been lasting for a few days now really). we have to usual marriage drama I think. Money sometimes, both work so cant spend alot of quality time together or both really tired when we can, and just things like that. Today I really hurt her feelings though. to the point where she was crying really bad all day. I had no idea what to do. It seemed the more i talked and tried to help the more it was getting worse. Her mother eventually came over and help her feel better. Now she doesn't think i love her or care about her at all but that isn't true at all!
> This same fight has actually occurred more than once. It arises when she hasn't slept very well for awhile. Shes a nurse on shift work with insomnia. I know this about her and I know how she gets when shes tired and its really snappy and grumpy. I can usually catch this and realize the root to her attitude and try and make her feel better but sometimes i get the same way and our relationship tumbles from there. I get really tired and snappy too, lose my patience at her attitude and we fight. She thinks I don't care about her not sleeping.


She's right. You KNOW this happens, you KNOW you fight about it, and yet you still engage in the fights. You're a grownup, figure out how to control yourself.

It's called a LoveBuster. Every time you Love Bust her, she falls a little more out of love with you (and vice versa), no matter HOW nice you then try to be. The damage is done.

I suggest you both fill out the LB questionnaires. Tell her you feel bad and want to support her, and this LBQ will help you understand her. Tell her you'll fill yours out too - but know that it's up to her to either read yours or not. I suspect she won't do that until she stops resenting you for this continuous fight you two have.

And for God's sake, start finding time to spend together. You CAN'T stay in love if you don't have time together (not in front of a tv or computer).


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## Yeswecan

anchorwatch said:


> First thing tonight, apologize for you part in escalating the conflict, then back off, give her space, and wait till she wants to talk. While you're waiting make sure you keep your side of the street clean and leave no reason for tension around the house. Don't be a pouting hurt little boy.
> 
> Next, stop trying to fix things. Women want a man to listen and validate their feelings, not tell them what to do. Get it?
> 
> Now for you defensiveness. Little boys get their feelings hurt, become defensive, and lash out to hurt their loved ones. A man listens and understands what his wife is stressed about. He stays calm, doesn't view it as a personal attack, and listens to what his spouse needs. If it's not a selfish demand, doesn't compromise who he is, and within his capabilities, he works towards it. Just as is expected from her. A man doesn't allow himself to be belittled either, he's not a boy.
> 
> For right now, work at being the husband, partner and man in the relationship, not the little boy. No more angry outburst or righteous arguments on your part. No one wins in a fight, it just puts more resentment into a relationship. You'll need to work towards being the leader and not be drawn into arguments.
> 
> Have you read Dr. Chapman's The 5 Love Languages?
> 
> Here's one just for you, Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men
> 
> 
> Best



Dead on!!!!


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## Yeswecan

Help for Happiness said:


> First of all, Thanks for all the response. It really helps to hear what you all have to say. It definitely has been giving me some clarity.
> 
> As far as treating the tiredness we have been working together to remedy. Healthier diets, exercising together and generally just trying to keep a decent sleep schedule when we can.
> 
> When it comes to "lashing out" as Anchorwatch was saying, this definitely sounds like what I have been doing. It is very childish I agree. I am still young and learning and going to try and keep that under control better. thanks for the book references, I will have to check them out.
> 
> My wife and I have been talking alot and I did apologize about escalating the situation. She seems willing to talk and all I have been trying to do answer any questions she has and listen to what she is saying (or trying to say). As far as telling her what has been frustrating me, this is my downfall. I have a hard time doing this. I feel like I'm being mean but I suppose it's necessary right? Is there a good or bad time to do this?


Sounds like you have a bit of anger issues and lashing out happens at the wrong time. I understand. Been there.

When you see the signs of getting ready to lash out...stop, take a deep breath and remove yourself from the situation to gather yourself. Then prepare to sit and listen. Undivided attention. Let her finish.

I find yelling and going nuts closes any door you might have to sorting out a argument. Your W will open that door again eventually. It is up to you at that time to go through the door with a level calm head.


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## turnera

And remember that one of women's top needs from their men is safety. If you become unsafe to talk to, if talking to you results in being yelled at, guess what she does? Shuts you out, for self protection.


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## CuddleBug

Help for Happiness said:


> Today My wife and I had a really bad fight. (Its been lasting for a few days now really). we have to usual marriage drama I think. Money sometimes, both work so cant spend alot of quality time together or both really tired when we can, and just things like that. Today I really hurt her feelings though. to the point where she was crying really bad all day. I had no idea what to do. It seemed the more i talked and tried to help the more it was getting worse. Her mother eventually came over and help her feel better. Now she doesn't think i love her or care about her at all but that isn't true at all!
> This same fight has actually occurred more than once. It arises when she hasn't slept very well for awhile. Shes a nurse on shift work with insomnia. I know this about her and I know how she gets when shes tired and its really snappy and grumpy. I can usually catch this and realize the root to her attitude and try and make her feel better but sometimes i get the same way and our relationship tumbles from there. I get really tired and snappy too, lose my patience at her attitude and we fight. She thinks I don't care about her not sleeping and I get defensive in return where to the point where she thinks I'm attacking her and it goes back to back.
> 
> I need help! I don't want to lose her over this but it keeps getting worse.



Mrs.CuddleBug and I fought when we first got married and moved into a small apartment. Our work shifts were not the same and we didn't spend much time together. She got really upset. I told Mrs.CuddleBug, we can't always work a job with same shifts. And we aren't dating anymore living apart. We are married and live together and both have full time jobs. This is normal and reality. She did eventually get this and calmed down. She also went to her parents and wanted out of our marriage and said it was over......I pleaded with her, she went to her parents, and while I was asleep, she came back and cuddled to my back, apologized and wanted to try communicating with me better and make our marriage work.

Turns out since we rented a very small apartment, saving for our first place, we had no space from each other. That was a major issue to the fighting.

Once we bought our place, got a kitty, have our space, own cars, things changed a lot for the better.

And once she finally started getting in shape, losing weight, getting a sex drive, things also changed for the better again.

Having a wifee that has a healthy sex drive, has her own space, own car, job she likes, and kids and or pets, makes a world of difference.

But that was only our situation. Maybe it will help you?

And we still do have fights but its rare now. Marriage is tough work and not a piece of cake.

Oh, and she was the type of woman who never talked about her days until it just came out all at once.......her parents even told her to communicate more and not to do that.


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