# Wife w/ OM vent



## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

oh man, where to start....

Wife and I been together for 10 years and have 2 kids. It's been up and down for most the 10 years. When the good is there it's great and sadly when the bad is there I've treated her like crap, you name it I've done it. I'm ashamed of the things I've done to her and probably should be in jail.

I've finally seeked help earlier in the year. I'm finally seeing I've got a problem that needs to be addressed. I'm owning all the things I've done in the marriage.

DW starting seeing another man from work. First it was a crush and then we got in a fight and a friend of hers introduced her to the crush. They started talking and hit it off. She started spending all her free time talking to him on FaceBook. After a few weeks she came home crying saying she made a mistake and she kissed him. I of course was hurt but told her we can work through this. She continued to talk to him, of course since they work together. It seemed anytime she was angry at me she would go and do something with him. I was in the hospital for trying to kill myself, it's been that bad, for 6 days. After those 6 days, she said she missed me so much and wants to work things out. She even agreed to stop talking to him. The very next day she didn't come home till 7am. Apparently she slept in his car after going out drink and making out. She came home with a major hickey on her neck. Again, said she made a mistake and she can stop seeing the OM.

Finally convinced her to stay with her sister to get her head straight but she still thinks the OM is the answer to all her problems.

I know in my heart she wants to make the marriage work but she is such a caring person and doesn't want to hurt anyone; so she can't leave the OM.


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## on_the_edge (Dec 19, 2010)

BrianE said:


> oh man, where to start....
> 
> 
> I know in my heart she wants to make the marriage work but she is such a caring person and doesn't want to hurt anyone; so she can't leave the OM.


Brian, 

Sorry to hear about it. My wife is probably not cheating on me yet, but she recently started goes out by herself "to meet new people" and I also feel it was my fault that I pushed her too far away. 

Anyway, the last sentence in your post strike me as fundamentally wrong. She IS hurting you by still seeing TOM. She needs to chose not to hurt you. I know it's tough to feel you are responsible for this rift. My answer to that was reading self-help books ("The way of superior man" was a very interesting read about dynamics between men and women) and thinking that even if I will not be able to fix the rift with my wife, at least I will try my best and be a better man after that even bitter and hurtful experience. Be strong. Talk to other people, in person if you can - was very helpful for me.


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## Awilkerson (Dec 19, 2010)

Bro, it sounds to me that she is obviously involved with this other guy and isnt really interested in working things out. I believe she is probably sure that you are interested in working on the relationship so she is gonna keep you on the ringer in case things dont work out with the new bloke. I suggest you hold firm and have her make a decision. If you guys are in a relationship with each other then she should be just as invested as you are in making things work, its a reciprocal thing.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

BrianE

Stop and think,Your wife is in a full blow affair. Do not believe her if she says she is stopping. She will not until she wants to. In the interim you work hard on yourself and make the affair uncomfortable.


Summary of the steps:

Ask her if she is committed to the marriage.

She writes a no contact letter to the OM , you read , she mails

She changes her job ,now, not in a months time or 3 months, now

You immediately go into Plan A, Plan A is you doing everything to make yourself more attractive, no fighting, no anger, equal share of the work etc. In other words no love busting.

You disclose the affair to her family, yours and importantly to his family and friends. You have to get the OM (other man) out of the picture, while he is there she will be in a permanent affair with him. Let their secret out. Affairs thrive on deceit and secrecy , pop that bubble. 

Read the following link

Articles

Do not chose to think you can make the journey up as you go along. You have to have a plan to follow, base it on one what works for most and you stick to it.

The processes to follow is: 

Expose the affair to friends and family, facebook, email, etc. this is one of the hardest steps as many fail to do this, procrastinate, have a hundred and one reasons not to do it and the journey becomes more difficult. 

Plan A - improve yourself, no love busting, fill her emotional needs, make yourself more attractive to her. This does not mean you become a doormat!!!! You ensure you gain and keep your self esteem. 

Plan B - if Plan A fails this is where your wife leaves home, you cut her out of your life, if you have children they stay with you, She is learning that she cannot eat cake and then play around, We will walk you though this if it gets to it. There is no set time limit on this step, the actions of your wife will determines the outcome. This part of the process continues to give significant opportunity to save the marriage. 

If Plan B fails then you may have to divorce her. 

All the steps above are a processes that has been widely used and has for most been successful. The details will be shared with you should you wish to save your marriage and start the journey 

For your wife her journey is 

No Contact - permanent no contact with the OM 

Full transparency of everything

Commitment to rebuild the marriage. 

Best wishes


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## mariem1967 (Dec 1, 2010)

Uh this one is really bad. Seems like both of you have to fix problems with yourselves and than start working on your relationship. You can't have successful marriage when obviously there's no respect and trust between each other. If you somehow manage to restore it maybe there is future for you 2 together.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

She still wants to work out the marriage after you treated her like a crap that should put you in jail?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I am continuing to work on my issues and I have gotten much better since being on meds. In the past I was prone to out burst of anger when I'm hurt or frustrated, the only feeling I knew was anger throughout my life. I not proud of what I've done but I can't change it either. I can only move forward and be a better person.

She has also setup appts with her therapist which she hasn't seen for months now. So hopefully she can get the help she needs as an individual as well.

I've read on here about the NC letter and such. Question though about the job. When people say quit the job do they meed right here and no, no 2 weeks or anything. She's not in a career job but it's with a big company that she could work for in a different department in the future and she really doesn't want to not give 2 weeks and look bad.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

BrianE

Your wife cannot work in the same company as him no matter how big it is, there are to many opportunities and triggers. A company mail, a run in in the corridor, his car in the car park anything. 

She will never ever get out of the affair if she has any contact or sees anything that triggers good thoughts of him.

Is your marriage worth losing over two weeks wait. She leaves now. Only then can you with some certainty start rebuilding your marriage. 

This process works, you have to follow the guidelines with no exception. They are based on years of breaking affairs and rebuilding marriages, the latter is the key part.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

That's what I thought and just wanted to make sure. I've run it by a few people including her parents and everyone thinks I'm crazy to ask her to leave her job with no notice.

She had a slight breakdown last night. So when she wants to talk again I'll bring up all these points and see where she is at.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hold the line of leaving the job, the affaircare and MB articles will help you understand why. This is crucial to the affair stopping, your marriage is more important than the parents or anyone else's opinion.

Be calm at all times , no pressure , be gentle she is going through trauma and it will get worse.

Your wife may decline to leave the job that tells you she is not over the affair man. If she does decline the only option here is to expose the affair to the work and one of them will be required to leave.

Regardless you have to make changes there is a reason she went outside the marriage . 

Below is a what is know as a Plan A. I suggest you start following it




> The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
> 
> 
> The carrot of Plan A
> ...



Some reading links

MB Site

Marriage Builders® Questionnaires

Affaircare site

Articles


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I've read a lot of things when this started weeks ago. I've already exposed it to HR at her company. They didn't do anything b/c she and the OM said there is nothing happening.

Her whole family knows b/c they are stuck in the middle of it. I got on FB and messaged all his siblings. So they know as well.

I just can't stand the lies right now. She doesn't see what she's doing and I know there is nothing I can do. She was supposed to get xmas gifts for the kids yesterday and said she left to go shopping. I later found out she spent all day and most the night at his house watching tv and movies. Didn't get a single gift.

Shes out of the house now staying at her sisters.


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

BrianE said:


> I've read a lot of things when this started weeks ago. I've already exposed it to HR at her company. They didn't do anything b/c she and the OM said there is nothing happening.
> 
> Her whole family knows b/c they are stuck in the middle of it. I got on FB and messaged all his siblings. So they know as well.
> 
> ...


Hello BrianE,

These are the stages very normal for what you're describing: denial, lies, going back to OM when disappointed, the loyal spouse's lack of appetite, sleep, and self esteem...

The question is what is it that you want. The previous posts have outlined it. Have you decided?

M.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I'm in this to make it work. I still love her and with some of her actions I know she still loves me.

She called and said she's out shopping now since she didn't do it yesterday. Also said she might stop by the office. If she does I'm putting it down. I'm done with the lying and games. She's free to do what she wants at this point. I'll take care of the house and kids. All of us are at home if she wants to make it work.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have a calm conversation with her tonight, you let her know that both of you will be sitting with the children tonight to explain that she is having an affair with a man at work, you name him. You identify to them the man who is destroying your marriage. If they ask what adultery is you explain it, You explain when your wife is out she is with the affair man.

You tell your wife you will not tolerate adultery on the family time or dime, she has minutes to decide the marriage and family or the affair. If the news is not immediately in favour of marriage you say nothing and start investigating separation . 

You let her parents know.

You be amazing in your behaviour. She is not entitled to have Christmas with you if she is in an affair. Move your money out close her credit line down and cancel her cards. She must have no access to family monies to pay for her affair. 

Be kind and loving and unrelenting when it comes to her infidelity. Is the OM and her co-workers on facebook as I think your exposure was limited?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Go easy - especially since you have not got a good track record. She may be afraid that you wil revert to previous behavior.

Do you best to let your actions speak for you - if she concedes and comes back to the Marriage. 

I still have problems trust - my actions were not always the best (and yes I probably should have gone to jail for them too) towards my wife and sometimes she still doesn't trust me and that I've changed. Be consistent in your actions and have hope!

I wish you well!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I believe this will work for you. Just don't forget the financial side of this, cut off the tie with regards to your accounts.

Show some fineality, and pack the rest of her things and put them in the garage. Give her the perception that you are moving on. Distance yourself along with the kids, make this as difficult as possible. She may get out of the fog sooner.

Do not allow her to have her cake and eat it too. Do not give in, you are doing good and stay strong. Hopefully,soon her sister will get tired of it.

Contact the OM and let him know that he is interfering with your marriage, in fact caontact everyone he knows and let them know OM is seeing a married women. Send them evidence if you have it. If not, get some (get some pics of them together or email/text) and send copies to HR, family, and her. I'm sure it won't be hard.

Point is, make is as diffucult to continue this affair as possible. You want your family back together, and do what ever it takes to get her out of the fog.

Contact the sister and let her know that she is enabbling your wife to continue her adultary behaverior, and that you want her home with a 100% commitment. As soon as your wife can remove her self from the affair she is always welcome back.

Get it, tough love, with an oppertunity to return.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Man, I feel to guilty but I shouldn't just stand here and take it either.

Gave her her choices and said she can't quit her job and she's leaving anyways. She packed up a few things, pillow and blanket and left for work. She works night shift.

So I proceeded to.

Posted msg on her FB that she's cheating
Downloaded all the msgs between them
Will delete the account permanently later
Deactivated E-mail
Removed CC from cell phone
Transferred all money out of joint account to mine
Reset computer passwords so she can't use it if she does come home when I'm not here.

Called her at work and let her know all this and if she wants to come home she can and we can discuss all this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You missed some thing " she can come home when she stops all cantact with OM"

And change the locks!


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Can't change the locks. I've thought about it but her name is on the mortgage as well.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good thinking. What about the rest of her stuff? Take down the her pitures. Soon she will see you confident enough to move on, and will not tolorate her behavior. Once have taken away her "cake" and her real safe place (home) we can only hope she realizes the potential loss here.

Remember give her an out, so if she decides to come home she can, but with out the OM in her life. What I mean is, let her and others know the deal.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you contacted OM?


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## Wolf359 (Jun 10, 2010)

Make sure to set up a video camera, to tape inside of your house. She can not be trusted right now. Tell her work whats happening also, it might help. Make sure she does not use your credit cards. Tell her cards, just her cards whats going on. They might shut them off. It happened to my family like that. I said what was happening (cheating / divorce) to a bill collector for my brothers wife. They were looking for her, they called me for a contact number ??? Next thing he knows, she lost her credit cards, well no more money on the cards. They lowered the limits down to what she owes. It happened to almost every card she had. So no emergency money to fall back on. Or maybe leave a note for other man saying he might have to go to court soon. Say it's for the emotional stress he has caused. Then setup a small clams court for a max limit for your state. It costs just 25-50 to serve him. I think a lot of the guys out there will just run from this, best money you ever spent. I would not follow threw with it. It looks bad, but the people who do not know the system, it works wonders. (If you do not go to court, it does not plug up the system) It's just a scare tactic, nothing more.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

well, yesterday was fairly uneventful. Talked once early after noon. She skipped her therapy session and didn't feel like going. I happened to have mine if a few hours so invited her to come to mine. She started to make all kinds of excuse, each I could argue easily. So asked when my next one was, Thursday, and she'll think about going to that one.

Called her at work at night and laid a lot of it on the line. Said her family missing her and is willing to work things out but on the terms I said before. Also talked about her auto deposit paycheck and bills. She's more then willing to stop auto deposit but if she does I'm canceling all insurance and no longer paying student loans and cards in her name. Said I don't want to do anything to hurt her but I have to protect the family first. She started crying and hung-up.

I called back 10 minutes later. Said a lot of the same things, I really don't want to hurt her but she's forcing me to do it. I said how about we sit down for lunch and discuss some of these things and what we can do about them. So we'll see if she calls for lunch today or finds excuses for that as well.

I'm about ready to get a lawyer involved for the kids and bills. To prove adultery you have to have disposition and opportunity and I've got proof of both with her FaceBook logs and what's she's even told me. Might even have abandonment b/c she hasn't asked to see or take care of the kids, only tells me to take care of them for her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Brian

You are telling your wife far to much, you are playing poker stop showing her your hand. 

Cancel the insurance, close her credit card, and do not pay her student loan, do all these items now. With you telling her she runs to the OM and starts making plans. After you have done all this send an email 

Move all monies to your account, she can feel the impact , the affair is not on the family time or dime. 

As for divorce and the children , engage the lawyer now, as the process takes a while she can still return to the marriage if she agrees to the marriage boundaries , at least you are no longer threatening her. Again do not share this with her, let her be served preferably at work .


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

Well after lunch today, if she shows, I'll be making my decisions and moving forward with talking to a lawyer first.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what do you think Brian, was she crying b/c she can't have her "cake" or was she cring out of remorse?

I would believe she's crying cause she can no long have her "cake eating" and it sound like she is still in the fog, I hope this has put a strain on the affair. 

How is her sister handling this, Is she still living there? I hope her sister can talk some sense into her?

Good Luck.


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## BrianE (Nov 22, 2010)

I think it was a little bit of both. She was only with her sister for 1 day and then moved into OMs brothers house for the past 3 nights.

She didn't come to lunch and I couldn't reach her on phone and OM wouldn't answer my phone calls. I got a callerid faker and called him again making it look like his moms house and he picked up. Was shocked as hell it was me!  Asked to speak with my wife.

She said she was tired and was just now waking up at 2pm and forgot about lunch. Said Ok but go ahead and come up to the office now so I can give you a few things. She agreed and got up to the office around 4. Asked how she was doing and thanked her for doing the laundry and dishes the day before when she stopped by while I was at work to get some things. She didn't say much and couldn't really look at me either.

After going back and forth about asking her what she wants and she couldn't make a decision I gave her my 2nd letter, list of her bills I will no longer be paying and a separation agreement I said we have to go through together to make it all official. She started tearing up, said she was hungry so we went to the dinner next to office were she ate and I kept talking. She still couldn't look me in the eye and when she did, kept tearing up.

I kept telling her that her kids really miss her and so does her family, that we want her to come back and work on the marriage. That it's not going to be easy but if we both work on it we can make it through this. Se started agreeing and we went back to the office. She wanted to see the kids but I said no, not until you quit your job and stop talking to him because she'll see them for 30 minutes, leave to go to work and who knows when we'll see them again.

We started to talk about trust and we both need to show a little bit of trust to make this work. She was saying she would call her boss to find out options. So I let her see the kids on faith. Her and the 2 kids hit the ground immediately all crying, I was too. After awhile she said she not quiting her job and I got furious and yelled for a couple seconds before calming down. Her mom called me and both her and I talked her into calling and talking a family emergency day and she agreed.

Went to xmas party and things were ok. Once we got home she wanted to call him and let him know she's alright and doesn't want him to worry. I was furious again b/c what does it matter if he worries, what about the last few days I've worried about her and she didn't call me?! Things got heated, I put the kids in the car and left. Was going to travel 600 miles to my parents, calmed down after 10-15 miles, pulled over and spoke to my folks. Told myself I can't do that to my wife and kids and went back home. Shortly after returning the cops pulled up.  Was a non event since nothing legally wrong was done, I was within my right to take them and go where I want. They left and her older sister and a good friend stayed with us for several house to keep things calm and they were.

Her and I talked, well mostly me and her just nodding, for awhile and saying how things can work out. I kept saying how I understand her problems with not wanting to quit and why she wanted to leave. After a couple hours she said she wants to work on the marriage and will stay home. Also agreed to go to my morning therapy session which went well.

She's still a little in the fog and told her sister she still loves him but doesn't want to hurt me. She sent him a msg saying I don't want her to talk to him and she is going to stay here with me to work things out. I'm still nervous letting her go to work tonight where she will be back to him again.

The only silver lining is she finally acknowledged how confused and messed up she is. She told me and her mom if she started to get really confused again that she wants to be put in the hospital.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry to say this Brian your wife is not the only on in the fog 



> She's still a little in the fog and told her sister she still loves him but doesn't want to hurt me. She sent him a msg saying I don't want her to talk to him and she is going to stay here with me to work things out.


You are getting your hopes up. 

Your wife is in a full blown affair, please start focusing on yourself, and do stop telling her your next steps. She talks to the OM he strengthens her and you lose ground. 

Have you read the 180 thread posted by AFEH. If not please do you need this for yourself as well as the Plan A .:2gunsfiring_v1:


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