# Should I Try?



## just_a_husband (Nov 2, 2014)

Hi all. The background of my marital woes are here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/230098-reconnecting-spouse.html

Got home early today while wife and kids were away and now I wished my curiosity hadn't got the best of me. I was on our shared I Pad (which is used by my wife 90% of the time) and I took a look at her recent text messages with her close female friend. Typical girl talk stuff, until I go back about 10 days to a conversation about me and my recent changes. My wife noted that I was doing better with my grumpiness but she wished I would just leave her alone with the "lovey dovey" stuff. She then wondered if I had changed my behavior for real or just "to get laid." The friend figured since I was a man it was to get laid, but nevertheless encouraged my wife to give it a shot for at least the physical benefits. My wife's response was "Blech. I'm not even interested at all," followed by "He's gonna have to give a lot more. It's been 10 years of him just taking." When I read my wife's next message it was like being hit in the head with a sledgehammer, here it is verbatim: "I have no emotional attachment anymore to him (sad to say). Sex is a means to pregnancy and I no longer need that. So sad."

This hurt me so bad I could barely hold myself together at dinner when everybody got home. I feel like nothing more than a sperm donor, roommate, and a paycheck. I know my wife built up a wall but reading these words confirmed my greatest fears. I'm wondering why I should even bother to change myself for the better of myself and our marriage.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You talked about writing a letter. Write it, but add all this into it, and make it complete, and perfect. 

Before giving it to her, have 2 full-blown game plans ready, to go either way -- all in, or all out. You have to decide what you will do, specifically, to do even more than you're already doing if she says "OK yes, let's try", AND you have to decide what you will do, specifically, if she says "Look, it's not worth it, this is all you're going to get from me."

Then when it is perfect and you gave game plans in hand, give her the letter. Consider it your big, last attempt at making the marriage work for both of you. Ask her to digest it all, but then act accordingly based on her reaction. One person working at it and wanting it cannot make a marriage work.

I'm surprised she's not taken actions toward leaving if that is how she feels. And I'm a little surprised you've not picked up on it and have felt it worth it to work on the marriage. Nevertheless, you can't do it alone. You need her, and you both need a new MC, badly. This is a marriage in crisis, it's just not yet been brought to the surface. Not good...


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

After 10 years now you want to meet her needs and you expect her to do an instant turn around? After 10 years she is pre conditioned to how she responds to you and what she expects from you. It's very hard to forget about all those years of disappointment, right now she is just waiting for the old you to circle back.

I'm not saying either of you are right or wrong, I don't know your back story or the dynamics of your marriage. But from this post you are expecting to much validation from her to quickly, or maybe it's simply too late to expect any.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

No.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

of COURSE you should try. what are you afraid of? 

what you just got was an unfiltered and honest opinion from your wife. what you focused on was all the negative stuff. what you SHOULD be focusing is on the fact that she notices the changes. yeah, she doesn't yet know if its real, so she doesnt yet know if she cant trust the changes. but, she ACKNOWLEDGES THEM. remember, she cannot read your mind so she has no way of knowing what your true intentions are. for all she knows, maybe all you want is sex. but im willing to bet that if she thought that those changes would be permanent, she would not be afraid to give you sex. she would feel loved anyway.

so whats the next step? why dont you start finding ways to make the time she spends with you enjoyable. smile a lot, it will make her want to smile. laugh a lot, it will make her want to laugh. if she gets upset and triggers over something, find something funny to think about and smile. keep her talking, get her to the point where she doesnt have to worry about you falling apart every time she speaks up about how she feels. 

your asking if its worth it... personally, i think so because marriages get stronger and stronger as you overcome issues and continuously find ways to reconnect. thats something your going to want to learn how to do in ANY marriage. so why not learn how to do it in this one?


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## lifelesson01 (Nov 3, 2014)

I wish you luck, I think that you should write that letter, have a talk with your wife and then make a decision. You need to do that.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

As'laDain said:


> of COURSE you should try. what are you afraid of?
> 
> what you just got was an unfiltered and honest opinion from your wife. what you focused on was all the negative stuff. what you SHOULD be focusing is on the fact that she notices the changes. yeah, she doesn't yet know if its real, so she doesnt yet know if she cant trust the changes. but, she ACKNOWLEDGES THEM. remember, she cannot read your mind so she has no way of knowing what your true intentions are. for all she knows, maybe all you want is sex. but im willing to bet that if she thought that those changes would be permanent, she would not be afraid to give you sex. she would feel loved anyway.
> 
> ...


Totally agree with the above! Use the letter as an aide-memoir but have a talk with her. Earnestly and sincerely. Let her read the letter if she likes but make sure that you talk to her.


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## Voltaire2013 (Sep 22, 2013)

As others have said it's gonna take some time for her to consider your changes permanent and sincere. The walls took years to come up, they won't go down in months. You do it for yourself and your family, it can only benefit both regardless of the outcome. I'm in the process myself. 

Read this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/85369-she-said-w-man-i-dont-love.html

Helped me a lot. 

Best of luck,
V(13)


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## Kresaera (Nov 8, 2014)

I'm at a similar point in my marriage. I believe you should try as long as it's worth it to you. However, if she isn't in love with you anymore then she needs to let you find someone who will love you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Voltaire2013 said:


> As others have said it's gonna take some time for her to consider your changes permanent and sincere. The walls took years to come up, they won't go down in months. You do it for yourself and your family, it can only benefit both regardless of the outcome. I'm in the process myself.
> 
> Read this http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/85369-she-said-w-man-i-dont-love.html
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
Also read MMSLP and NMMNG if you have not already.


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## just_a_husband (Nov 2, 2014)

Hi all. Here with an update. On Saturday, we were all out to lunch and I told my wife that the two of us needed to talk when we got home. She was not happy when I said that I was not comfortable having this discussion in front of the kids.

We ended up talking for more than two hours at the kitchen table that night. I talked about everything that I had wanted to address in the letter: my recognition of the things I had done in the past to drive us apart, the changes I was working on for myself and us, and my hopes and fears for the future. She stated that she had noticed and appreciated the changes but that (like many of you said) I can't expect one month to instantly break down a wall that took years to build. However she said she believed her wall could be broken down down given enough time. I explained my biggest fear was another 10 to 15 years of indifference followed by a swift divorce as soon as the kids were out of the house (this is what her parents did); she stated she would never divorce me unless I crossed a line that she doesn't believe I ever would (I.e. infidelity, physical abuse). She still envisions us growing old together. She even discussed us possibly having another child (which we've never seriously discussed before).

Thanks everyone for your advice. The changes I'm making are slowly making me feel better about myself; I need to stop second-guessing myself while recognizing that I have a long road ahead. We both have issues of self-esteem and trust rooted in difficult childhoods that we need to tackle, but it's a lot easier to do this if we can have conversations like we had 2 nights ago.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

awesome. now, this feels like progress right?

wouldnt it be nice if you could have such a conversation once a week?
hmm... why not do that? set aside an hour each weekend for it. you get stuff off your chest, she gets stuff off hers.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

just_a_husband said:


> it's a lot easier to do this if we can have conversations like we had 2 nights ago.


That says it all. Communication is key. Just keep in mind that you are still less than a week out from her being done with you. Now she "still" envisions you growing old together. I sense some dishonesty from her in this conversation. But hey, it's still early. And it IS progress. Just be careful.

Good luck.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

MachoMcCoy said:


> That says it all. Communication is key. Just keep in mind that you are still less than a week out from her being done with you. Now she "still" envisions you growing old together. I sense some dishonesty from her in this conversation. But hey, it's still early. And it IS progress. Just be careful.
> 
> Good luck.


I don't see where she was ever 'done with him', even in the previous thread.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't see where she was ever 'done with him', even in the previous thread.





just_a_husband said:


> My wife noted that I was doing better with my grumpiness but she wished I would just leave her alone with the "lovey dovey" stuff.
> 
> My wife's response was "Blech. I'm not even interested (in sex with him) at all," followed by "He's gonna have to give a lot more. It's been 10 years of him just taking."
> 
> "I have no emotional attachment anymore to him (sad to say). Sex is a means to pregnancy and I no longer need that. So sad."


Let's just call it two different definitions of the word "done" and move on.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It sucks to see what you saw, but it's not surprising. It's a statement of where she is today. Her change in attidue will follow your changes. You just have to demostrate a track record of being a better husband over a period of time.

But things can't always be that this was all on you and you never "gave" anything. You "gave" her the means to stay at home. 

Also, why are your kids home schooled? If that is sapping your wife's energy that she could be putting toward her marriage, it's not helpful. Marriage is about a husband and a wife, and homeschooling is a sign you are making it all about the kids.

Also, don't have another child until your marriage is much happier.


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## just_a_husband (Nov 2, 2014)

During our talk, my wife freely admitted that she had a role in where we have ended up. Particularly, her meanness to me after we had our second child (which we now both believe was due to post-partum depression). This played a role in me "checking out" emotionally from my family around that time. 

My wife has always respected that I have been the sole breadwinner since we had kids and while at times she wishes we had better finances she does her part to stay frugal and never blames me when our finances are limiting.

We started homeschooling after my son (who is extremely smart but not always focused) was having difficulties with the structure and large class sizes at the local school. He was starting to hate learning so we felt homeschooling was worth trying. Plus, my wife was a teacher before we had kids so she had experience. Our kids are thriving and contrary to my worries they (and my wife) are getting plenty of socialization through the local homeschooling community.

There has definitely been a "the kids come first" mentality with my wife long before they were in school which is something we need to work on constructively in terms of our relationship as a couple. I know this stems from her childhood when she was not nurtured and protected by her parents like she should have been.

We definitely are not planning on having another child right now. When it was discussed it was in the context of if the positive changes are sustained.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

yeah, you two definitely need to set some time out of each week to talk about your relationship progress...

and some time each day to just enjoy your time together. and probably a date night once a week. i like to devote half of my free time on week nights to my wife and half to my daughter. which is usually about an hour a night to each. and then some time for us to do something we enjoy together on one of the weekend days. it makes a HUGE difference.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Ok good.
I think the time for long conversations is now over. You laid it all out. She laid it all out.

You read about your wife's feelings of affection. I think you should hold off being affectionate so you can prove you are not in this for sex only.

You are now the conductor of the train. The train is your life, your marriage and your family. You have to lead it. The first thing is you put the cars in the right order. First is yourself. What is it that you are going to have in your life? You have to decide that you are going have a loving and sexual wife. And that you wish it to be your current wife, but if it's not her, then you will get someone else. You need to eliminate the fear and you need to be able to offer your wife choices to be aboard your train or to leave your train. Because on occasion you have to do that. But before you do that make sure that the train is one she wants to be on and the destination is somewhere she wants to go.

The second car is your marriage, and the third car is your children. You lead it all, and your marriage pulls your children. Does it make sense on any level to homeschool kids but the parents are unhappy and on the brink of divorce?

So, you need a full plan. And you need to know what you stand for. 

The full plan:
-- Sex moratorium so your wife can see these changes are not about sex.
-- Meet your wife's needs / be present
-- Be a good father and participate in your children's lives
-- Spend time together with your wife alone.

When your wife resists what you may be doing you can tell her this. I believe the best thing we can give to our kids is to raise them in a loving and secure marriage. That to me is more important than home schooling, a certain house or anything else. I want to build a loving and secure marriage with you. I am making changes on my part to do that. The question I have for you is this what you want too? You are free to decide to be "in" or "out".

There is alot more to this, and I am out of time... But I think you see where I am going.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Yes, you should try and become a better person, but don't place her on a pedestal doing it.

There should be a balance, and you need to go out and create new friends too.

Try being with positive people, as they will have an influence on you.

If this relationship does not work out, at least you will have the practice for the next.

Don't lose your independence over this, or you will turn into a codependent.

I am with others, it takes history to see a pattern. 

You have only started.


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