# How do I heal when he doesn't even think it matters? (*molestation mentioned)



## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm not sure what to do. I've been married to my husband for almost 16 years. I married him at 18 yrs old and he was 18yrs old. He is a good guy and stable, but very unemotional.

When I was between the ages of 10-13 years old, two of my brothers repeatedly molested me. In sorting through the issues I have with being betrayed sexually by people who were supposed to "love" me, I'm not much different with others who struggle to find balance in giving and receiving love after being abused.

My problem is that last night, I told my husband that I needed him to understand that the reason I've been so hurt the times I found porn were because I had trusted him the way I trusted my brothers to never hurt me. I told him about my molestation before we got married and he agreed that what they did was wrong, yada yada. I told him I needed him to be faithful because I was giving myself to him in a way that scared the heck out of me. So, over the years, the introduction of high speed internet, etc, I've unfortunately uncovered a few incidences of him looking at porn. This is crushing personally, only because it kind of caused me to lump my husband into the "another guy who is using/abusing a girl" category.

I don't want to discuss the issues of porn in or out of a marriage. I'm not here to judge. My issue is that now that I'm realizing why him doing those things felt so betraying, I want to work on it. Last night I told him that I have a lot of years of feeling unsafe with him to deal with. While he is a great provider, a good guy overall, he has a huge issue with relating emotionally. I'm an emotional person and NEED to feel that I matter in his life. It's part of my broken packaging. What matters is he tells me he'll never do it again or whatever, things go along just fine and then, boom, out of left field, I fall upon what I consider another betrayal. It brings back extreme insecurities in me and he flat out doesn't care. 

I said I need to deal with this and he blew up and said that he shouldn't have to deal with it. That it's been 18 years or so and it should be something I should just get over. It's not that easy and unfortunately, it has affected my entire core when it comes to security. When he said that I should just "get over it" he said, in my opinion, that he doesn't love me. And darn it if love is already a difficult thing I struggle with. I believe my emotionally charged personality is because I question motives for EVERYTHING. I don't want to, but I know what it's like to not have a voice. I don't want to trip up and let another person who claims to love me hurt me again. 

The fact that my husband thinks this is a "me" problem hurts so much. He doesn't want to help me through it. He just wants me to get through it without being a complication in his life. I can't just heal in a day! There are a lot of good days and a few bad days that trip me up. Getting married so young and trusting that marriage meant faithfulness and honesty were an obligation, I'm naive. I believed that my husband could only have eyes for me. I believed I deserved that protection. I believed that letting him be my husband meant he would look out for me and want to help me feel secure. I believed that if I loved him and never looked astray, that he was automatically willing to do the same. I trusted these things because these are the things we talked about in our early days leading up to deciding to get married.

Right now, I am torn. I need to heal, but day in and day out, I can't help but feel that my husband sees no issue with the horrible pain I suffer with. It has affected our lives so much and I've never felt he cared to help me through it. He doesn't. I never married him to be a provider or because of his looks. I married him because I believed him when he told me he would never hurt me. But I'm very hurt and he doesn't care to help us get through this. It's all on me and if I slip up and get emotional or upset while trying to deal with it, I have no doubt he will decide it's not worth being with a wife that isn't "stable." I've tried getting help. I've been on antidepressants, I've even tried hypnosis. I WANT to not have this affect my life. But THIS IS WHO I AM! 

I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn. I don't want to walk away, but then again, I don't know that staying is even possible. I almost feel like he is molesting me with his indifference to my struggles. And I'm angry. I'm angry that I am here for him and have done so much to push aside my fears and insecurities because he doesn't want to deal with them. Example in point, if I told him I needed to abstain from sex for say 3 months to come to a peaceful place in the love-sex connection, I have no doubt he wouldn't be willing to wait and he would resort to porn or whatever to deal with that time. He couldn't surrender that time to showing me that I'm more than just a sexual object. But I know if he had prostate issues and had to have treatment (this runs in his family heavily), I know for a fact that I would be by his side and his health would be more important than obtaining sexual satisfaction.

Women who have been molested, have you ever felt your husband could love you? Is it normal for a husband to be so unwilling to help his wife through something so traumatic so that their relationship could grow and be stronger? And he had the gall to tell me last night (we were going to have sex) that I had to pick the most stressful times to bring up issues and he said he couldn't deal with me anymore. What is the likelihood that he even wants me? 

We have young children. This issue is coming to light for me more intensely because one of our kids is about to reach pre-pubescence. I NEED to get myself worked out so that I can raise my son to be respectful towards women and I don't want my insecurities to affect how I guide him through these years. I feel obligated that I'm not raising kids, but mothers and fathers, husbands and wives. It is my responsibility to teach them that their actions do affect other people. My brothers have never apologized and have just moved on in life. I'm the one struggling and about to lose all I've worked for in my marriage and family because of what they did to me. 

How do I go on from here? Do I have to just shut out my emotional connections with sex and how it makes me feel just so my husband doesn't have to be inconvenienced by it? Part of me feels I should just put on an act and play my role and not share with him what it's doing to me. But I can't imagine being so dishonest is healthy because it would just be a faux relationship. I can't genuinely feel that way and I'd just be going through the motions.

My husband wants me to hold his hand and kiss him and we are usually very affectionate. I have no problem with that. We've always been that way. I have been trying a lot more to tell him how much he means to me, send him texts, flirt with him. But unfortunately, being more open means also exposing things I have buried in order to make it through life without wearing my scars on the outside. 

Why does he not care about how this is affecting me. How can he expect me to fix myself without having to deal with some pretty traumatic memories and insecurities? And why the hell can't he understand that his little porn looking flubs are him cheating on my SOUL, not about sex!! He's curious or whatever. I get that. But, I would not do something that I knew would internally destroy my husband. I'd consider that sabatoging my trust in him. 

He has no desire to meet my emotional needs. That is clear. Not just in my head, but outwardly spoken by him. Sure I can go to a therapist, but I'm not sure that will ever help solve the fact that my husband doesn't think my well being is worth being a little uncomfortable or putting personal effort into. And that just sucks. Because I do love him. 

I read the other day about how much men want respect and affirmation as a "need" in marriage. How can a woman respect her husband if he doesn't feel it's worth the effort to help her feel safe again?


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

What you went through is horrible and your husband is completely wrong for saying get over it. However you do need some counselling and let out what it has done to you mentaly and emotionaly. He needs to be there and support you, I sisnt read your full thread i stopped at the point he told you to get over it tht really shocked me. He needs to support you his a man that has never experienced this so he doesnt know how to go about it thats a fair point but to say something like that and not support you is wrong. Something like this stays with you for the rest of your life its a scar that can never be healed. You need counselling and let out your emotion. Good luck sorry you went through that people like that shouldnt be known in society.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Thank you, SK. 

If only he knew that I wish I could just sweep it under the rug. It's not healthy to not be able to deal with this. I want to get help and am going to pursue counseling for myself. I know he won't want to participate and sadly, I know the process of going through counseling is likely to bring more raw emotions and fears to the surface. I don't think my husband will stick around to deal with it. It's so sad because I love him so much. The only reason we have issues in our marriage is because he told me he would never do the things he did and I happened upon them. It's a trust issue that we've never been able to recover from. As soon as I react and get it out of my system, he calls it a day. As if it's something that is done, fought about, then move on as if it never happened. 

The worst part is if he were more receptive to being a support system for me, I'd be so much further along than I am after 16 years of marriage. He always minimized the effects it has in so many areas of my life. I trusted him completely until he gave me a reason to question it. I HATE feeling like the other foot is going to drop the minute I feel I can trust him. It always does. He always does this when I'm at a place of feeling he is connected with me. The last time was when I was recovering from a hysterectomy. I was almost at the point of being allowed to have sex per my doctor and while I went to my sister's college graduation (gone 12 hrs) he decided it was necessary for him to peruse the internet to look at nude pics. Seriously!? Is it that hard for a man to let his wife heal and recover from major surgery without having to look at other women to get his fix? He could have asked me to take care of him! He could have told me that me leaving was too much and he needed me to stay. He could have given me an opportunity to decide if I could handle it. It's stuff like this that kills me. My brothers would sneak into my room and abuse me while I was sleeping. I would wake up in the middle of the night without my bra on (slept in it to figure out if I was dreaming about what was happening) and I would feel violated and confused on how I let myself sleep through them touching me. I didn't know how to confront the hidden attacks because I was made to feel they were in my imagination. When I feel life with hubby is going well and we are happy and then I find out he's been looking at naked women, I feel the same way. I feel like it was a sneaky violation that led me to believe he wanted me while he was looking at others to fill that need for him. If he needs pictures, then I'll let him have pictures of me. But no, I can't help but feel ashamed and unnecessary when he goes looking for something else. 

I know it's a difference of opinion. We are Christians and I feel like what he does makes me not look at him the same way. He tells me he doesn't WANT to do it, but that he just sometimes finds himself getting curious. How do I deal with that? How can I work with that? I don't plan to do it again, but I won't say it'll never happen again. That was his last attempt at making me feel better about it. 

I am so emotionally drained. We were actually making a lot of progress over the last few weeks since the last incident. Well, I made a lot of progress for him. I was more open sexually, I was more accomodating, being more willing to cater to his needs. But, it hasn't been returned. And now, he's acting like I did something wrong and broke all reason for him to believe I'll move on because I tried to talk to him about it last night. 

I have spent all day today trying to open communication with him. I had sex with him before he went to work so he wouldn't have the frustration of not having had sex last night. I thought it would help him function at work better. I have text him telling him that I think he's an amazing man and I appreciate all he does for us. And instead, he sends me "thanks" or "k" texts in return. What does that mean? Why is it so hard for him to be willing to help me improve our marriage? 

This is so consuming. I have kids I need to take care of and I spend more time trying to figure out what I can do for my husband to make him feel loved than even those little ones are in need of. I cannot tell you how much this has left me torn that I'm not able to focus on them because if I don't figure out how to get through this with my husband, they are going to lose the family they know and rely on. I spend hours trying to figure out how to change my mentality when it comes to our relationship, I try to talk myself into accepting porn in hopes he'll feel more connected to me, I cry in the shower so that my kids don't see the anguish I have. But they know something is different. They are the ones who see me upset or frustrated or mad at a situation they have no idea is even going on. I don't want to give up, because I know he won't try to save our marriage. He knows I'm the one who figures things out for us and he has resorted to calling me the "glue." But I can't keep going through this. 

I feel very disrespected and uncared for even though he meets my needs for being a father figure, income provider, is great with household and vehicle maintanence, etc. Those things are great, but the fact that I have to come to this forum because my husband won't discuss this with me is embarrassing. Is this common in a marriage? 

He text me this afternoon telling me he wants to do something productive together on his day off tomorrow. I have no idea what I am supposed to come up with! I'm afraid to make him more distant from me if I choose the wrong thing. We have 4 kids to care for as well. How do I manage finding a productive activity with him and balance how it affects the kids? If you have any marriage building, productive ideas for me, I'd be more than happy to hear them!!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Why not just ask him what it is he wants to do that is "productive"? Why must you come up with a plan?

It seems to me that you need to put more focus on yourself, healing yourself - going to counseling yourself (he does not necessarily need to go with you; these are your issues that you need to deal with and heal from). Also, put more focus and attention on your kids, since you mentioned they are in need of.

I understand you want to build your marriage, but it seems you need to build yourself back up first. I wish you the best and I'm so sorry for what you went through.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Have you spoke to your husband about counselling?? Talk to him about it maybe he wanted to say something to you about it but is afraid of putting it across in wrong way. Realisticaly there is no nice way to say to someone you think they need help. when you first got together did you have a problem with watching porn, did you used to watch when you first started dating. His a man and watching porn is one of them male fantasies im guessing i could be wrong same would go for the nude piks. It would be best if you first sorted out what feelings you have inside and then work on the problems you have. You say you dont know what to plan tomorow wouldnt it be best for you both to come up with something to do together also something that can include the kids a board game, a day out etc...


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm very sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. It's a terrible thing and I hope you eventually find some peace. I know from experience that questioning everything is no way to live. However, I think comparing your husbands emotional indifference to your unfortunate abuse is a sign that you may need to adjust your expectations. I think your punishing him for something he didn't do and it seems like your expecting him to fix your issues. You are also expecting him to act and think like you. Trust me when I say it will never happen. I can't speak to his lack of compassion or his general emotional state, but I suspect you put too much pressure on him regarding your healing process. Ultimately, he may decide it isn't worth it. That's the risk you run when you start projecting your issues on someone else. High expectations are almost always disappointed. I almost lost my wife this way. *Spouses eventually get tired of dealing with it and start seeking easier more rewarding options if they are able. * 

Your sensitive about your husband viewing porn and basically compared it to your abuse. This is very black and white thinking. In reality, life and relationships are many shades of gray. I know some women believe that PORN is cheating but most men don't think this way. Are there exceptions? Yes. Is your husbands behavior typical of married men? Hell yes. The internet has made porn too convenient and some have become addicted, but in truth men have always been visual creatures turned on by healthy looking women. This aspect of a men doesn't just turn off after the wedding day. I'm not making an excuse for his behavior or possible lack of integrity, but I am trying to point out that he's a fairly typical guy designed to disappoint a highly sensitive you.

You have the right to be disappointed with men. I agree we are a bunch of pigs capable of horrible things, but do you want that disappointment to ruin your marriage and create unhappiness forever? As unfortunate as your childhood experience was its still your responsibility to bring a healthy frame of mind to your marriage. Once I realized that I was transferring my childhood issues to my wife and expecting her to make up for everything that happen to me (abandonment-foster child) I became a much more forgiving guy. I began to see that she was a good person who was doing her best despite her faults. Once I learned to forgive her and realized everything my wife did wasn't about me I became much more balanced resulting in a better husband and father. Not perfect by any means, but better.

Peace


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Why do I have to be the one to plan it? Well, because that's the way things are. I have to be the one to initiate everything and figure out how to make sure it's not too much and not too little. 

As far as counseling, we have talked about it several times. He has done a couple things in the last year that even I'm shocked I'm still standing here because of. Part of the agreed deal was that we would get counseling. Now, bringing it up when there is a bandaid on the relationship to him means I'm letting the past get in the way of being happy.

My personal opinion is that we need to deal with the bitter things and painful stuff now in order to actually grow and learn so that there isn't a next time. I don't want to be temporarily happy if it means that we aren't dealing with and learning from the hard times in our marriage.

We've had it very rough. Very very VERY rough. Most couples don't go through even a tenth of the things we've had to go through. Not only my issues with my past, but we've lost a child together, I've been dealing with major health issues, the on and off mistrust issues, we have kids with special needs. It's a very taxing life on me, especially. My husband is emotionally detatched from all of it, so it's on me to make the effort to move forward. He has never been supportive to me in the greatest times that I needed him. When our son died and only 8 hours after giving birth, I was shopping to prepare his funeral because my husband was "tired" and wanted to nap. The baby's funeral was later that afternoon, so I had to deal with our loss and plan for his burial on my own. I felt abandoned by my husband. There are a lot of instances where I felt let down and alone. 

Even instances like last night when I wanted to talk to him seriously about taking steps to strengthen our marriage by examining the issues that have gotten us here, he blew up. I was rocking the boat while the sea was calm. But if I bring things up in the midst of turbulence, I'm crazy and he can't handle my irrational ways? I don't know what he expects from me. Well, actually I do. He wants me to be agreeable and never voice my real opinion on issues. But when I internalize that fact and try to just be the submissive wife (not my character at all, especially since I have to manage pretty much everything!) he gets on me for being too quiet and assumes I'm mad at him. I am quite frankly, damned if I do, damned if I don't.

As far as the porn and stuff, it was NEVER ever something I let him believe was acceptable to me. My parents were a very traditional Catholic couple and that was considered a "crime" if you want to be honest about it. I agree because I can't honestly feel like my husband wants to be with me if he wants others to be his turn on. I can't compete. I've had 6 babies, I've had almost a dozen surgeries, and as much as I've tried to be open to the idea in hopes it would benefit our marriage, I just don't agree with it. God created Adam and Eve. Not Adam and multiple Eves. If God thought men really needed to have options in order to commit, I believe He would have started life that way. Religious opinion...that my husband tells me he shares. That's what's so twisted. He tells me one thing then when he's guilty of doing the opposite, he says it's because he didn't want me to be mad. As if I'm not mad that he misled me??

If we had gotten married and this was the way things were before me and he gave me the "take or leave it" option, I'd have had to figure out what I was willing to come to terms with. But he didn't. This wasn't part of the deal and he takes no responsibility for the fact that this is one of the reasons I am so insecure. We were young and naive and we were each other's firsts. He never even had a girlfriend before me. I was confident and happy before I married him. Now I question everything I do and am. It sucks. 

I'm going to get counseling for myself. He doesn't think he needs it and thinks all the points I'm mentioning are bogus. I am very openly verbal with him. Everything I am writing on here is exactly what I've told him over and over again. He just doesn't want to be bothered with the details of actually "earning" a successful marriage. Heck, I have fibromyalgia and other health issues and he has never once even looked up what it does to me. I tell him how I feel and ask him to do a little research so we can deal with it together and he doesn't. It doesn't matter to him. But he has no problem spending most of time off loading apps on his phone or looking for programs to give the computer more rom or whatever. It really makes me feel invalidated. Like what I struggle with every day doesn't matter to him, but I think it should. I hope it would. It would matter to me if he had something that troubled him, even if it was a recurrent hang-nail for God's sake!! I would try to find ways to help him.

*sigh* Things don't seem very optimistic after reading some of these issues. I don't think my husband has any idea what it takes to love another person. He doesn't give of himself if it's a cause of discomfort. He won't lose sleep over any of the issues above. My ego is hurt a little knowing that after giving myself to him all these years and trying to "fix" myself, if I walk away, it probably won't phase him. When we've gotten in discussions about it not working, he has a don't let the door hit you on the way out attitude and when I question how he can be so cold, he just shrugs and says there is nothing he can do about it anyway. 

I love him. I want him to be happy. Obviously, or I wouldn't have put so much of myself into the marriage. We used to call each other true love and our one and only. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel replaceable and unnecessary. I feel like a glorified babysitter who is also obligated to sleep with the boss. I just don't know what more I can give of myself. My fight is about out. I'm not perfect by any means, but so many of my imperfections are actually blemishes from years of disappointment and resentment. Can I recover from that? Should I even WANT to? Sometimes I think I must be crazy to even want to work through this. But I try to look forward to the day I am there to hold his hand when he leaves this world. I want him to know he was loved...even if he didn't love me the same way...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> Spouses eventually get tired of dealing with it and start seeking easier more rewarding options if they are able.


I was abused as a child (not sexually but abused nonetheless). For years I kept expecting my husband to fix me, to understand me, to make it better somehow but sadly he's but a mortal man. And I wasn't his problem to fix. He didn't even do those horrible things to me my parents did.

That said I agree with Enginerd's whole post.

One day I woke up and realized my husband was a good man and I chose to let him off the hook. I was no longer going to make him responsible for my own happiness, for my own trust issues, etc. I was going to own my own problems.

We've been married for 20 years and I do believe after a while spouses get tired of dealing with it. Mine did. They just want a smooth life without the drama of dealing with someone who has been abused. Therefore if I need help I come here, I go to therapy, or if the request is REASONABLE and kept to a minimum I will ask my husband for help.

Its hard as hell some days to trust my husband but I have chosen to do so until he gives me reason to believe otherwise. He deserves that smooth marriage and I will give it to him despite what happened to me in my past.

FWIW it's taken me THREE rounds of therapy to be able to do this. I did not accomplish this on my own. I got help....professional help.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Thanks, Enginerd. I actually have considered those things many times throughout our marriage. I've tried to bear the responsibility with coming to peace with it. I am still trying to figure out how to openly love him despite the pain it causes me to do so. If he were even kind of giving a smidge that showed he was willing to give back, it would make me more hopeful that he understands how generous a gift I'm giving him. It doesn't help when I tell him that by opening up I'm trusting he won't abuse the tender places in my heart (porn) by making me feel not worthy of his undivided attention. Doesn't a wife deserve that?


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

I have to say the only difference is that I have to engage sexually with my husband in order to care for our marriage. The way a woman is touched by her husband isn't unlike the touches a girl experiences when she is sexually molested. With that being said, it's hard to fight those painful memories during moments you trying to intimately love your spouse. The touch is what sets you off...not the person doing the touching. Your reaction isn't always consistent. It's not like I've ever restrained from him. Even after each of my 4 c-sections, he never gave me more than 3 weeks to be back on the saddle. He never cared about the healing of my physical body, but only achieving personal satisfaction. It's hard for the lines to not mix when a woman isn't being fed emotionally...which we all know is our love language. 

With physical abuse, you may fear the raising of a hand or the sound of him raising his voice. But that is an entirely different issue because you can walk away from those things. A wife has sex with her husband, so she is constantly having to relive physically the acts she is scarred internally with. It's not like a woman who was sexually abused as a child can tell her husband that if he ever touches her or wants her sexually she is walking away. Obviously, that is something she bears and relives often before she can truly heal. That kind of wound is pretty darn hard to heal when you are trying to meet the needs of your partner. Imagine the way it feels to know that you give of yourself, despite those haunting memories, out of love to find that he is going elsewhere to compare the merchandise. Not exactly the way it should go


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I was abused sexually by my brother as well. I have kept it a secret for 32 years. I finally told my husband 2 months ago. It has been hell on us. I have started IC and we both will be attending a sexual abuse survivor group (he will go as a supporter), he is going because he wants too.
> 
> I have learned so much in these last 2 months of why I am the way I am. I am trying really hard to heal and become a happy person.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much! Not only for sharing this with me, but also giving me hope that counseling will help me. I wish my husband could support me. I am kind of afraid to go through this alone. To be honest, I'm really afraid of reliving it and again not having anyone I can turn to. I was afraid to tell when I was a little girl because I didn't want to get in trouble or get my brothers in trouble. Now, through therapy, I'm going to have to relive it. And this time, I can't even talk about it with my husband because in his mind, it's a non-issue. It's hard to feel safe opening up. 

I wish you the best. If my husband didn't know the torment I deal with, I could be a lot more understanding of the choices he makes. But, for me, I have to turn my emotions off in order to be okay with this. And despite him thinking I'm overly emotional, it's also part of why he loves me. I don't know who to be or how to be so that I can meet his needs without being untrue to myself. How does one do that?


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> You are exactly right about having sex. I hated every single minute of it. I knew when it was time to give in otherwise there would be a huge fight. So those days I knew it would happen I would dread coming home...almost like I was going to have an anxiety attack. It SUCKED!!
> 
> When I decide 9 months ago to make it work...it was because we were fighting again about sex. I hated it and never wanted it. So after a huge fight one night, I decided to research ways to make myself like sex. Started doing things that were suggested and soon it got better. It is not by all means 100%, but better.


If I wasn't attempting to meet his sexual needs, that would be one thing. But I have sex with him at least 3 times a week. And since the last episode of finding a search for nude pics on his cell phone (he gave it to me to when I jokingly said I wanted to see what he was doing on his phone. He forgot he had that search on his history.) Believe me, that was the LAST thing I was expecting to find. We were at the park with our kids and were flirting and joking. I was recovering from my hysterectomy, so I joked that I should probably check what he had on his phone since he spends so much time on there. That is how that happened.

Anyway, since that episode, we did have a big ol' fight and somehow we ended up deciding to work on it. I've had sex with him at least once a day (unless he wasn't feeling up to it) trying to show him that I want to be okay with it. It's been about 6 wks since that's been happening. So, it's not like I make him wait a long time between sexual encounters. And despite my surgery, I tried to please him in other ways even though it was the furthest thing from what I wanted to be dealing with. But I did it because I was afraid that he'd start feeling the urge to get online again. I didn't want him to be tempted because I wasn't aware of what he needed. So, imagine my shock when he had done it anyway. I felt like he didn't appreciate how much I was trying to fulfill his needs despite everything I was going through. 

I don't know. All I know is he will be home in about an hour and I need to get in a different mindset. While he's off, I try not to think about it because I don't want him to notice. 

I thank you all for being so helpful. I really appreciate all the opinions. A lot more than you can imagine


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## Auzzie (Jan 23, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I'm very sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered. It's a terrible thing and I hope you eventually find some peace. I know from experience that questioning everything is no way to live. However, I think comparing your husbands emotional indifference to your unfortunate abuse is a sign that you may need to adjust your expectations. I think your punishing him for something he didn't do and it seems like your expecting him to fix your issues. You are also expecting him to act and think like you. Trust me when I say it will never happen. I can't speak to his lack of compassion or his general emotional state, but I suspect you put too much pressure on him regarding your healing process. Ultimately, he may decide it isn't worth it. That's the risk you run when you start projecting your issues on someone else. High expectations are almost always disappointed. I almost lost my wife this way. *Spouses eventually get tired of dealing with it and start seeking easier more rewarding options if they are able. *
> 
> Your sensitive about your husband viewing porn and basically compared it to your abuse. This is very black and white thinking. In reality, life and relationships are many shades of gray. I know some women believe that PORN is cheating but most men don't think this way. Are there exceptions? Yes. Is your husbands behavior typical of married men? Hell yes. The internet has made porn too convenient and some have become addicted, but in truth men have always been visual creatures turned on by healthy looking women. This aspect of a men doesn't just turn off after the wedding day. I'm not making an excuse for his behavior or possible lack of integrity, but I am trying to point out that he's a fairly typical guy designed to disappoint a highly sensitive you.
> 
> ...


I agree with this so fully...I feel I wrote it even! Im a survivor of 8 years of sexual abuse from two men...from the age of 5 to 13...so I know how you feel each and every moment. Its a dark and insiduous creature to deal with each nanosecond of your life. BUT we are not the sum of our abuse. We are so much more than that. Whilst our experience may shape us, it does not define us. You have to believe in this. 

Your hubby will never understand your abuse no matter how hard you try to explain to him. And he isnt meant to really. He can understand to a certain point, but unless your partner is also a survivor of sexual abuse...there is no way he CAN. And thats ok. You have to help yourself first, in understanding how to deal with it, before he can. What he has said is *totally unacceptable*...no ifs or buts. 

Counselling. Counselling. Counselling...and some more counselling...for YOU. You need to learn the tools to help you and then when you feel safer...include him in couple counselling once you feel safe in doing so. I wish you the very best in life, you deserve it


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Iwant2bhappy said:


> I can't answer that question either. I can't answer a lot of questions and wish I could. I can't even answer the question of to why I told my husband. I swore I would go to my grave not telling anyone.
> 
> I never would cry in front of my husband about anything...I was this very strong minded person, showed NO emotion about anything.
> 
> ...


There are not words to tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I'm dying inside and I have had to resolve to getting through it on my own. I try so hard to be a good mom and wife and I fall short, often because of this cross I bear. You being strong enough to share this with me and knowing I'm not alone is a gift I will always be grateful to God for. I will be praying for you, Iwant2bhappy. I pray for peace in your heart because I know too well that your husband is a very lucky man. He only knows a small slice of the person you are and if he holds on to you and supports you through this, he will discover what a masterpiece you really are. We both are and should never forget that. God bless you, honey!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Soulseeking, I am so sorry for what you went through with the molestation and the problems now in your marriage. I am married 29 years to a child sex abuse survivor.

From what I know about sexual abuse, it is not uncommon for the survivor to start having more difficulties when her own children reach a similar age as when she was abused. Getting good therapy is the only way to overcome the psychological side effects of what was done to you.

There is an outstanding support site at aftersilence.org where you can join a private forum to have discussions with other women with similar histories. There is also a secondary survivor forum where spouses of survivors discuss issues and where you could post questions for secondaries specifically.

On the porn, many men do not consider it any form of infidelity, it is just pure fantasy. You have the right to feel about it the way you do, and your feelings are not unusual. This may be a topic where you and your husband will never "agree". I don't think you can convince him it is wrong, because it is a fundamental kind of belief system thing for both of you. You can work on convincing him that it is _important_.

Is he open to having any discussions at all about how the molestation affects you? Until I started reading about sex abuse I really didn't know much at all about how deeply it affects the victim, nor did I understand how it can simmer in the background for a long time and then suddenly come up again as a problem. Your husband may benefit from some education if he is willing to participate.

Couples therapy might help get him involved. There are some good books out there, but just handing him one out of the blue may not have any positive affect on him if he isn't already committed to working with you. A book I recommend is "Haunted Marriage".

I am not a therapist and the following is just my opinion...

Sex with your husband at this point should not be something you do solely out of some kind of duty or maintenance. Sex in marriage is a joining together, not a rubbing together. You should be wanting sex for your own emotional and physical needs. If it is at the point where you do not want sex at all, or if it is unpleasant for you, I think you should not do it.

Working with a therapist you can reprogram your brain into a healthier attitude about sex. With the advice of a therapist you can put healthy sex back into your marriage. I think unhealthy sex is going to be counterproductive to your recovery and also to the marriage.

Your husband may be feeling overwhelmed, confused, and helpless. Men want to do something to fix something. If there are problems in the marriage, he wants some kind of action to fix the marriage. If there are sex problems, he wants to do something to fix it. I think you need to be really specific with him about things you need from him. Maybe you want to talk and need him to listen. Tell him specifically you are not wanting him to fix something, you just want him to listen to you for the next few minutes. Or if you need non-sexual touch like hugs or holding hands, tell him specifically what you need.

Remember that you are ok, but there are side effects which need to be corrected. You are not defined by what was done *to* you. It does not define your character or worth as a person.

Best of luck to you and to the other survivors here who have posted their stories.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

soulseeking said:


> Thanks, Enginerd. I actually have considered those things many times throughout our marriage. I've tried to bear the responsibility with coming to peace with it. I am still trying to figure out how to openly love him despite the pain it causes me to do so. If he were even kind of giving a smidge that showed he was willing to give back, it would make me more hopeful that he understands how generous a gift I'm giving him. It doesn't help when I tell him that by opening up I'm trusting he won't abuse the tender places in my heart (porn) by making me feel not worthy of his undivided attention. Doesn't a wife deserve that?


There's way more going on then just the porn. This sentence caught my eye:

"I am still trying to figure out how to openly love him despite the pain it causes me to do so." 

Does your husband know you feel this way about him? You need to make it clear to him that this is how you feel before you have anymore sex with him. I sure wouldn't want to have sex with someone who felt this way. He sounds selfish and may not feel the need to change until you set some real boundaries. I understand your fears about being totally open with your feelings, but you are so manic in your posts I feel you need take a step back. You will do unrepairable damage to your family if you can't center yourself. I would reccommend taking a break from the family to seek some professional IC. Don't go to the church for help since they are not interested in your mental health. They are interested in saving your soul and they are not the same things.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> There's way more going on then just the porn. This sentence caught my eye:
> 
> "I am still trying to figure out how to openly love him despite the pain it causes me to do so."
> 
> Does your husband know you feel this way about him? You need to make it clear to him that this is how you feel before you have anymore sex with him. I sure wouldn't want to have sex with someone who felt this way. He sounds selfish and may not feel the need to change until you set some real boundaries. I understand your fears about being totally open with your feelings, but you are so manic in your posts I feel you need take a step back. You will do unrepairable damage to your family if you can't center yourself. I would reccommend taking a break from the family to seek some professional IC. Don't go to the church for help since they are not interested in your mental health. They are interested in saving your soul and they are not the same things.


Enginerd,
The comment I made that you are referring to is probably not being understood.

As a person who has experienced being molested by family members, you are abused mentally as well. For me, my brothers picked on me and went about as typical brothers during the day, but snuck into my bedroom and under my clothes at night. Boundaries are not drawn in the sand, but rather lay beneath murky water. 

In the comment you are addressing, what I mean is that I have tried to be open-minded about the whole porn thing. I've tried to talk myself into it being okay and a non-issue several times over the years. I don't want to make my husband feel like he's "wrong" or "bad" for looking at it. I love my husband enough to "want" to be okay with it. I understand my issues with it are because of my past, so I've tried to overcome my issue with how I feel about him looking at nude pics. That is an emotionally painful thing for me to do with my history of sexual abuse. We sacrifice for our partners all the time in marriage. Sometimes it's looking past the toilet seat being left up, sometimes it's ignoring that he tossed his clothes on the floor beside the hamper, and sometimes, in my case, it's wanting to be okay with letting him do something he has no conviction against. Socks and toilet seats just aren't a big deal for me. Hubby looking at naked women just so happens to be a big deal that I'd love to look past. 

We got married as kids and have grown up together. We didn't have the experience a lot of others get when they learn from past relationships. It's a learning experience and we are each other's teacher. I love him and wish I could just be okay with it and not be affected the way I am. When I have sex with my husband, it's an act of love. I want to be the one who meets that need for him. For me, seeing those images of what he was looking at made me feel violated because I happened on them without warning. The emotions they stir bring me back to being 11 yrs old and fearing the sound of my brothers footsteps outside my door. 

I agree that IC is necessary and I am pursuing that. I have tried a couple times in the past, but mostly because I wanted to fix the way I felt so it wouldn't disrupt our marriage. Now, from the help of some of you, I realize it's something I have to do for me. And God help me, one day I won't feel so exposed because of what they did to me. 

My husband is not selfish entirely. We ALL have selfish traits. This is just not something he can comprehend and he does not allow himself to deal with things that are uncomfortable. He's a people-pleaser and will do anything to keep things running smooth. But that's not always the best and most honest way to deal with things. It eventually comes back to the surface and often with a lot of repressed anger, etc. I believe in facing issues straight on. I just realized like 2 days ago that what my brothers did to me has been the cause of why I've had major issues with the nude pics/porn despite knowing it's rather common in marriages. He is a good man and he strives to make me happy. But I connect to the emotion behind why people do what they do. Like I said, I question everything. I don't want him to be nice to me because he doesn't want conflict. I want him to be nice to me because he enjoys me and wants me to feel good. Just as I would do for him. Emotions usually occur too quickly to be brought on by motive. That's probably why I'm an emotional person. You feel it or you don't. Hubby doesn't like to feel bad or think of sad things or get mad over things. So he separates himself from it. Like he didn't want to feel sad about the baby dying, so he took a nap instead of helping to prepare for his funeral. When I was hurt in a car accident, he didn't want to see me in pain so he did what he knew he could do well, which was throwing himself into work. He doesn't want to "feel" those negative emotions, so he ignores them or distracts himself so that he doesn't have to deal with them. I'm the one who gets stuck holding the bag for both of us while he checks out until the coast is clear. I think he needs IC for that issue, but he'd have to believe it was a problem first. And like I said, he doesn't deal with things that make him feel mad, sad, bad, so there's little likelihood that is going to happen.

We have a long way to go, but we've also come a long way as well. I take marriage seriously and believe that communication is key to a good marriage. For now, I am choosing to talk less and listen more as I work through my own personal issues. I believe God does all things for the greater good and I know something good is brewing after all the things hubby and I have been through together.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Soulseeking,

As a Christian man whose ex was abused as a child (and did not get help) I wanted to weigh in here. Much is this is based on my personal experience (which is close to but does not exactly mirror yours) so feel free to ignore what does not apply.

Before I do so, I wanted to note that I get the Christian perspective that says porn is sinful and that refusing sex to a spouse who requests it is equally sinful.

If your husband is a Christian like you then he might feel guilty about the porn. He needs the fantasy of willing women. But he knows it is wrong, and you shame him for it, so he hides it and detaches from you. Why would he need the porn?

He likely needs the porn to cope with the sexual portion of your marriage. I know you are having sex three times a week. But, by your own words you are not into it (and you equate it with your abuse) - you are not connecting with him or expressing love. He without a doubt senses that you are not into sex and thus he is not satisfied.

So you guys are stuck in a vicious cycle. You cannot bear to be emotionally present for sex. He has sex for the physical release, because he is supposed to as your husband, and in the hope that maybe at some point you will fully welcome him (even though he perceives that is next to impossible). You do not, and the sex you have speaks loud and clear that you are not into it. He seeks satisfaction elsewhere. You find out and withdraw. The cycle deepens.

Apart from the sex, you are both becoming dissatisfied with the marriage as a whole. His porn use makes you think less of him. You feel he is not acknowledging your pain, and he feels you are not acknowledging his. You are telling him that he's basically a co-abuser, which cuts him deep; he obviously loves you or he would not have stuck around for 18 (I believe) years. He feels like an unwilling co-victim of something in which he had no part. It may not seem like it from your perspective, but being married to someone, whom you love, but will not let you in, truly share with you, and equates you with her abusers hurts like hell.

And, he feels stuck and helpless. Not only can he not change what happened in the past, he also cannot even improve the present. In a way, he is more stuck than you are. You could seek the counseling you need to heal and be there for your husband and children; he can only adjust his actions in response to yours.

After many years, he is giving up hope that you will seek help. So, he really only has two options. One is to just bail out and move on (which he may not do for a variety of reasons). The other is to stick around yet detach from you emotionally to protect his feelings (similar to what you do during sex).

At this point, improvement in your outlook (and thus the marriage) is going to depend on you getting the help you need to overcome these issues. If your marriage is like mine, no amount of sexual conformance on his part will make a lasting change in your outlook. My wife enforced several sexual moratoriums to cope with the anxiety of being intimate (two of which were several months long and two of which lasted a year or longer) and those old triggers and anxieties always returned with a vengeance.

IMO to prevent further damage to the marriage you need to:

1) Let your husband know that you intend to get professional help to overcome your abuse.

2) Let your husband know that one of the outcomes of therapy will be to enable you to be a better wife to him, and invite him to come on that journey with you. After going through this with you for 18 years, he is understandably gunshy about going into a situation where he feels he will be blamed for your difficulties (which is what you have done by saying sex with him is the same as the abuse).

3) Be forgiving and tolerant of his failings as he has been of yours. Also, if you are using other parts of the marriage to compensate for abuse issues (for example, my ex would shop to soothe herself) that behavior should stop as well.

Best of luck to you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

DTO, thanks for that perspective. I am new to the information of being a secondary survivor. You provided a different and interesting viewpoint which I appreciate very much.


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## datingopinionz (Jan 28, 2012)

honestly i am quite disturbed with what i just read, i really can't imagine why your husband is not putting any efforts to emotionally support you in your hard times. if i was in your husband's situations i would have really tried my best and handled things delicately, i believe one married both of the the partners should be playing active part in comforting the other partner in hard times. he must respect you and appreciate your trust in him and should be making compromises wherever really required which in your case i am guessing he is not, 

also i am from India, i don't have an accurate idea on what counseling exactly is so i rather have another suggestion for you, do you have any close friend who you trust? if yes then maybe talking to them occasionally might help get some pain off your heart, i have never been in a close to as horrible situation in my life as you have been but whenever i had worst times of my life i used to talk it with one of my friend and i felt a little better after every-time i talked to him. 

Also the fact that you have been married for 13 years do make me believe that he definitely loves you but is having hard time to meet up to your expectations. also please try to worry less about the porn that he watches, i know it really bothers you but i don't think its because of he has any less respect for you, i really believe that he has respect and love you.porn pretty much means nothing to men its just for a timely pleasure for a while he must be enjoying it and a while later he is probably back to his life. its like a movie to men just its entertainment with pleasure. Trust me on this you are probably his primary concern as always, 

i read every post your created in this page, really think your husband is a very lucky guy to have a loving wife like you, i really hope things work out well for you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

datingopinionz said:


> honestly i am quite disturbed with what i just read, i really can't imagine why your husband is not putting any efforts to emotionally support you in your hard times.


I agree. While the OP needs to get therapy to deal with her own issues related to her history for her own happiness, her husband sounds like he is not stepping up as he should in the marriage.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

I just really want to thank you all and tell you how much I appreciate you taking the time to guide me through my thoughts and concerns. I have taken all of your advice and comments to heart and am actively pursuing a path to healing from my painful past. I never realized how many of my reactions to things stemmed from what happened to me. I thought if I stopped thinking about it, I would just forget it all. While I didn't think about it openly very often and told myself it was no big deal whenever those thoughts came back, I now know that I have a lot of self-defense mechanisms that I have been using to protect myself. I realize my problem with the naked pics and stuff is because it triggers bad feelings in me and brings me back to those really bad things that I went through. Hubby is being more open to understanding because to deal with it completely, I have to kind of open all those wounds again. I had no idea how much I repressed over the years. I hope he'll support me through this, but I'm prepared to deal with it on my own to free myself of all these horrible limitations and fears I've have. 

Hubby isn't thrilled with me being on here. While some would think that is a sign that he's not supportive, I am going to consider it a chance that he's willing to be the outlet I need to invest in. So, I'm not going to keep coming back to avoid him feeling insecure that I'm getting involved emotionally outside of the marriage.

However, with that said, I just want to thank you all again for everything. I honestly did not connect the dots between what my brothers did to me and how I react to sexuality and my fears that my marriage was dissolving because I couldn't deal with it. I think my insecuritites have played a huge part in why my husband is emotionally disconnected and I don't think I ever gave him the chance to feel like he could protect me because I've been so afraid to leave myself vulnerable. I had never even heard the term "trigger" when it came to the effects of dealing with being molested, so the person who shared the website with me and those who shared their personal experiences have shown me how I can work on the things I'm most sensitive to and help me work through the trauma by being more prepared when something sets them off. 

This forum and your suggestions and advice did not fall upon deaf ears and I will be praying for all of you who are in a similar situation. I never knew how much healing I had to do and my marriage is likely to be stronger and healthier as I work through it. I know I personally will be healthier and stronger no matter the outcome of my marriage. God bless you all.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Best of luck to you.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

First of all, let me say how sorry I am that you were abused as an innocent child. No human being deserves that. I am so sorry.

I am married to a victim of childhood sexual abuse. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year, but my wife didn't tell me of her severe childhood sexual abuse history until year 23 of our marriage.

I can echo what Thor and other "secondary survivors" have told you about what it's like to be on the "other side" of the bed. To have sex with a mate who is "checked out". 

We men connect with our wives through sex, it's the conduit through which love flows for many of us. We NEED our wives to be "into us" sexually to feel connected and loved.

It seems to me that a conversation with your husband is in order; one that attempts enlists him as your partner in healing. You may wish to sit down with a writing pad and list out some things that take you to the "bad place", things like him using porn. 

He needs to do the same, but both lists need to be realistic, considering where the partner "is" in the process of healing.

It seems both of you have some work to do. He may not realize it, but he needs healing too.

My experience was that my wife would make promise after promise after promise to change and do better sexually (remember, she didn't tell me about the abuse for 23 years--that's a whole 'nuther story) so I didn't have a CLUE why she was "checked out" sexually and thus emotionally distant from me. 

She would promise things, she might do a little better for a week or two, but then revert right back to the same behaviors as before. It was, to say the least, maddening for me.

WHEN she finally told me about her abuse I became her "partner in healing". She finally told me because she sensed I was "done" and was checking out of the marriage myself--which I had done gradually over the years as a method of self-protection against her coldness.

But, as with any partnership there are 2 sides to the coin. She has to fulfill certain obligations (like heal in earnest), as do I as her partner. Realistic expectations need to be plain. 

I would suggest your husband read the book Thor recommended "Haunted Marriage" to help him understand what it's like on your side of things, and how important it is that he be there for you.

Also, there is a Christian based website called themarriagebed.com that can be quite helpful. You'll need to register and sign up for the forum board that deals with sexual abuse and how to handle it in marriage. I think the "past sexual abuse" section under "Engaged" is an open forum you can see when you first visit the site.

Also, read on that website about the Biblical perspective of marriage and sex. It's quite good.

If your husband will not be your partner in healing, then by all means do all you can to heal without his support. You will find peace on some level.

Most victims of CSA (Childhood Sexual Abuse) have a "broken template" for relationships, not just sexual relationships. My experience with my wife has shown me that she needs healing on many, many fronts--not just marriage--but marriage is where it shows up first because of the trust issues involved.

Your "broken template" is NOT your fault. You were not in control!!! But...you are NOW responsible for healing from what was DONE TO YOU in the past. Take control and heal, even if your husband won't support you...but I pray that he will.

Best of luck to you.


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## soulseeking (Jan 26, 2012)

Justaman2, I cannot thank you enough for your post. My husband is not a reader or writer, so it's kind of hard to get him to do things that way. But perhaps I can read the book to him. He has dyslexia and while he has received training to overcome the difficulties it creates when reading, he still does not like reading/writing. I, on the other hand, consider reading and writing more valuable than speaking. Talk about a yin/yang couple. LOL

I am working through this and have resolved to do it with or without him. The other day, I had an especially difficult day with flashbacks and he was more supportive than he has ever been in our entire marriage. I think my husband has seen my strong outer shell for so long that he didn't realize that I'm really just mush inside. 

My past is a part of me. A part that I didn't realize still clung to so many facets of my life. I hate what my brothers did. I hate that my husband, an amazing man who loves me for all that I am and am not, is the one having to deal with the ups and downs of what was done to me. But, now that I am understanding why I do or say things and it's relationship to my abuse, I am able to tell myself not to let them continue abusing me. I have always believed my husband would never give up on us, on me, but I did worry he wouldn't become uncomfortable in an attempt to help me heal. He is trying more than ever and that alone, makes me feel not so alone. 

God bless people like you who take on people like me and your wife with love, faith, and mercy. I know all too well it's not an easy task. There is no doubt in my mind that you are a hero to your wife. I know just my husband telling me the other day that he will help support me through this makes him a hero to me. I feel safer and more secure simply by him telling me he will support me through this. 

Thank you for your prayers. I agree completely with the "broken template" and acknowledge I have a lot of work to do. But at least now, I know why and that it's not impossible to achieve. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it.


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