# Hubby's female friendships situation



## Preppygirl (Apr 1, 2016)

Hi! My hubby hasn't had any female friends since we started dating 15 years ago or since we got married. Last year he told me he wasn't happy in our marriage. I realized he was talking about this woman that worked across the street from him. I asked him if he talked to her a lot and asked to see his text messages. He told this woman that his life sucked pretty much, but didn't go into details. On his birthday she text him "happy birthday commercial hubby"(they were in a commercial together for his real estate company) I was not happy about this. I'm pretty conservative in that I don't think another woman should be calling my husband "hubby" and I don't think married couples should have close friendships with the opposite sex, unless those friendships came before me. I think it just creates issues. He told this woman how I felt or that it was creating issues in our marriage and told her to stop contacting him. He removed her from his phone and Facebook. 

So now onto the other part of this whole story. Well, he works with this woman's friend. And now his close friendship with her is creating major problems. His coworker emails him non work related things and has text him in the past on weekends. She also tags him on Facebook about non work related things. I've told him that his close friendship with her makes me uncomfortable and I don't like it. He gets defensive. Then the other day she tagged him in this quote on Facebook..."The true source of your pain—your emotions, your stress, your traumas. Once you release those,your body's innate ability to heal itself will take over." Obviously, he's discussing personal details with this woman. I think it's completely inappropriate for him to be talking to her about anything other than work. He said he's talked to her about our tax issues and even if that's true I still don't think he should be telling her about it. He said "what I can't have female friends? I had female friends in school." I think it's completely different when you're married. It's not like he's close friends with anyone we went to high school with. These female friendships have developed only recently ever since he said he wasn't happy. Also, the woman who worked across the street recently friend requested him on Facebook even though he told her not to contact him. I know he can't control what she does but what the hell! Either he never really told her not to contact him or she has no respect for our marriage. Also there's another woman who friend requested him that's friends with these 2 women. He said he's never met her, but he's heard his coworker talk about her. Why would someone he's never met friend request him just because her friend works with him? It's all just a little too much for me. 

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know if he'll stop this friendship with his coworker, but I don't feel comfortable with my husband having close female friends. I would hope that if it made me so uncomfortable he would stop, but I'm not sure he will. If the tables were turned I would put my husband first and stop any behavior he didn't like. Am I overreacting? Sorry if the story is hard to follow! There's a lot going on!


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Welcome. Why did your husband say that he was dissatisfied with the marriage? 


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Hmmmm .... that is a tough one. First, just me personally, I am not a believer of close friends of the opposite sex, especially when these friendships occur after you and your spouse have been together. For that, I can't really blame you for feeling that way.

The bigger issue though, it sounds like he is relaying very personal (intimate) information about your marriage with these women. Now, I will say, where this is somewhat tough, many people come to TAM to discuss these types of issues, so it would be hypocritical of me to say that under no circumstance should any of this be discussed with anyone but your spouse. The difference in my eyes though, he has physical contact with these women, so it is on a much more personal level than just a forum. Also, stuff such as tagging on Facebook, now things are being made public (and maybe some of your other FB friends see this and are now wondering why some random woman is tagging your H).
*
Can you maybe go into more detail about your marriage, what exactly the issues are, etc ..*. If I had to guess, it sounds like your H is enjoying the attention he is getting from other women (which could definitely be playing with fire). If you have made it clear to your H that you are uncomfortable with these types of relationships, he should respect your opinion and cut ties immediately (the coworker obviously being much more difficult, but he needs to set boundaries with her).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get this book and tell him he needs to read it right now

Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends"


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am with you 100% about a spouse developing NEW friendships with the opposite sex! Once you are in an established, committed relationship, these "friendships" are not appropriate. I have no issue with previous, old friends, unless they are an ex. But even then, things should be evaluated on an individual basis. There is NO NEED for a man to develop a new close friendship with another woman. (vice versa applies here as well!) If this is a deal breaker for you, you need establish this fast and hard, and you have to be willing to follow through with consequences if needed. I am a huge proponent of protecting your relationship. 

Seriously, how would HE feel if you struck up a close buddy-buddy friendship with another man??


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## Preppygirl (Apr 1, 2016)

Rich84 and Ellisredding...my husband said that he feels like he does everything for me and I'm still never happy. He's not wrong in saying that, which is why I feel that I need to go to therapy on my own to figure things out. He makes me happy and I appreciate everything he does for me...I don't know why I treat him the way I do sometimes. The only thing I can think of is he's not very romantic. I want him to leave me notes or surprise me with a date night. So maybe I take it out on him not being romantic, but I never spoke up in the past. After going to counseling I did tell him that I wanted him to be romantic, but he never really made an effort.
I'm very much like my mom, which scares me. She's always picking on my Dad for something. It's not an excuse, but that's what I grew up seeing. Nothing my Dad did was ever right. I don't want to be like her because she's done some hurtful things to me as well. Unfortunately, we were dropped by our insurance(my hubby's self employed) and we're trying to figure out how to get back on it, so I can't afford counseling right now. So that's a little of the back story.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Sounds like he has moved on. Sorry. I don't think it's going to work.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Preppygirl said:


> Rich84 and Ellisredding...my husband said that he feels like he does everything for me and I'm still never happy. He's not wrong in saying that, which is why I feel that I need to go to therapy on my own to figure things out. He makes me happy and I appreciate everything he does for me...I don't know why I treat him the way I do sometimes. The only thing I can think of is he's not very romantic. I want him to leave me notes or surprise me with a date night. So maybe I take it out on him not being romantic, but I never spoke up in the past. After going to counseling I did tell him that I wanted him to be romantic, but he never really made an effort.
> I'm very much like my mom, which scares me. She's always picking on my Dad for something. It's not an excuse, but that's what I grew up seeing. Nothing my Dad did was ever right. I don't want to be like her because she's done some hurtful things to me as well. Unfortunately, we were dropped by our insurance(my hubby's self employed) and we're trying to figure out how to get back on it, so I can't afford counseling right now. So that's a little of the back story.


Thanks for sharing. 

It starts to make more sense why he may be turning to these other women (who seem to give him a lot of attention) if he feels like he is getting constantly put down by you. It is important though that you did recognize this and try to get help. It is a two way street though, you got the help you required, so why wasn't he willing to put the work in as well in terms of your romantic request.

Can I ask, was he romantic in the past and it just stopped, or have you felt like the romantic aspect has always been missing? What you may consider romantic and he considers romantic may be 2 different things, and it can be difficult for someone who isn't naturally romantic to all of a sudden do so.

Regardless, even though you have been together a while you two should never stop dating each other, and it sounds like that is what has happened.

As things are currently, you definitely need to get your "picking" under control, nothing positive will come out of it (and tbh that is a pet peeve of mine as well and I saw my Mom do that to my dad, as well as my MIL and it is horrible)

Also sounds like you guys need to improve your communication.


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## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

Preppygirl said:


> I'm very much like my mom, which scares me. She's always picking on my Dad for something. It's not an excuse, but that's what I grew up seeing. Nothing my Dad did was ever right. I don't want to be like her because she's done some hurtful things to me as well. Unfortunately, we were dropped by our insurance(my hubby's self employed) and we're trying to figure out how to get back on it, so I can't afford counseling right now. So that's a little of the back story.


History always repeats itself. You need to catch yourself before going down this road again in the next conversation.

By the way, I knew someone who acted like you once, but she fled due to insecurities and something that never happened. I really doubt your husband is checked out and ready to flush a marriage down the toilet for some lady friends. 

My wife gets uneasy about girls I know on FB, but I explain to her about who they are and how I was tied to them. One I am specifically keeping off my FB because she wanted to date me while I was courting my wife. And, she is one of those types where every guy that thinks with the other head would stop thinking with the right one, and pursue her. Those are the dangerous ones. Now, if any of his friends fall into that category, then I would agree with your suspicions and worries.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Why is your H talking to another W about your tax problems? None of her business. Yes, if the close friendships make you uncomfortable your H should stop. Appears H likes the attention. 

How about simply stating to your H sometime today that you met a nice guy named Steve and would like to go to lunch with Steve to discuss your tax problems. Steve is just a close friend. See how it flies.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

At the very least, your husband isn't respecting you the way he should. It sounds like he is at least having an EA with his newest female friend. It could become more than that, if it hasn't already. The fact that they are texting and talking on a very personal level is troubling, and at the very least means he is certainly "thinking" about it if he hasn't had a PA already.

Have you two even talked about what is making him "unhappy" with the marriage? The ONLY way to resolve any problem is to identify the problem and work out some resolution to said problem. If he is unwilling to do that, the marriage is probably already over in his mind.

As for somebody asking to be your "friend" on FB, it happens all the time to me from people I've never met, and some are attractive females. I will ignore and delete their request if they don't meet the friends in common criteria I set for myself. If they PM me, I let them know up front I am not available. Seeing as there is a history with the first woman you mentioned, I would check his page and see if he is friends with her now, or if he deleted her request.

You two have to have that dreaded talk where everything that is wrong is aired out and addressed, or your marriage is as good as dead, in my opinion.


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## Preppygirl (Apr 1, 2016)

Thank you everyone, so far, for your insights!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Preppygirl said:


> After going to counseling *I did tell him that I wanted him to be romantic,* but he never really made an effort.


Did you SPECIFICALLY tell him what you mean by "romantic" or did you just tell him "I want you to be more romantic".

His interpretation may be different from yours, probably is.

Did you mention the date nights, flowers, notes, etc? As a guy, the notes are a tough one for me, but flowers and date night are easier to do. And by "easier" I mean more likely to happen, not the effort required.

Tell him again, tonight. Go on a date. Then during or after the date tell him you had a great time (if true) and that you want to do this every _____.

This is not off topic, since you want underlying behaviors to change on his part and yours. The friendships are a threat, no doubt. You should familiarize yourself with the "just happens" path to emotional and physical affairs. If his needs are not being met by you, he will seek elsewhere to get them met, consciously or unconsciously.


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## Uranium238 (Mar 15, 2016)

I used to be really good at notes and I suck now. I'm in the same boat as @blueinbr . Then again, I really don't have any legs to stand on right now when it comes to offering marital advice.

But, chosing words wisely really helps get your points across without putting your spouse on the defense.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Uranium238 said:


> Choosing words wisely really helps get your points across without putting your spouse on the defense.


That thought should be past on to generation after generation of married couples. 

So very true. The talk can go quickly into an argument based on just the first few sentences uttered. Once the defenses are up, the conversation is lost.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Uranium238 said:


> I used to be really good at notes and I suck now. I'm in the same boat as @blueinbr . Then again, I really don't have any legs to stand on right now when it comes to offering marital advice.
> 
> But, chosing words wisely really helps get your points across without putting your spouse on the defense.


Lol, I have never done notes, and would never do it. Just not me, and it would be meaningless / forced.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think the danger of a friend becoming an EA and then to a PA is all too great. once you become familiar and develop a sort of bond with them it can escalate quite quickly. Trust me.

I would let him know you aren't ok with it at all. Finances and personal relationship discussion can blow up. Those are very personal things to be discussing. The woman leans in..oh you're having problems...talk to me, I'm a woman. I can give an unbiased opinion. Hand on arm. Then a heart to heart and bam. My point is he should be talking to you about these things not seeking out other women. 

Maybe try to reconnect as people here already have suggested. 
IMO romantic gestures are meaningless unless he really wants to do them.
Was he like that before?



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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You are saying that you pick at your husband and are critical of him. Either you have his back or you don't. If you are tearing him down, you are tearing down your home. Just stop. In order to stop, you have to stop fault finding. When you start to pick away at him in your mind, stop. Take control of that thought and let it go. Replace it with something positive.

However, your husband is playing with fire. I recommend you try some of the things in this article. Drawing Back A Drifting Man | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family And The World
But you also have to set boundaries and let him know that his relationships with other women are pushing you away and damaging your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Preppygirl said:


> I don't know why I treat him the way I do sometimes.
> I'm very much like my mom, which scares me. She's always picking on my Dad for something. It's not an excuse, but that's what I grew up seeing. Nothing my Dad did was ever right. I don't want to be like her because she's done some hurtful things to me as well.


So what are you actually DOING about changing? Have you talked to HIM about your need to stop being so critical? Have you asked him to point out the things you do? Are you willing to HEAR the things you do without then punishing him?

Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? That's your first assignment. In it, you will learn that most men have the same top Emotional Needs - they need sex, they need recreation (having fun with you), and they need you to admire them. Stop giving your husband any one of those three things, and you are playing a dangerous game by not keeping that in mind. Men who feel they 'never do anything right in their wife's eyes' will SEEK OUT a woman who DOES admire him. Even if he's not aware he's doing it. 

Sounds like that's what's going on. And it's a direct result of YOUR actions.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You talk about things *he* needs to do to make you treat him better. Do you think that's fair? You are basically saying,

"I will only treat you nicely if you do 'this', 'this', and 'this' for me."

You don't put conditions on treating a person, especially your spouse, nicely, you just do it.

As for the ladies he keeps cultivating friendships with; I think he's looking for female friends because you aren't a friend to him. You should be great friends, you should be best friends. If you aren't nice to him, he's not going to see you as a friend as well as a partner.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

turnera said:


> So what are you actually DOING about changing? Have you talked to HIM about your need to stop being so critical? Have you asked him to point out the things you do? Are you willing to HEAR the things you do without then punishing him?
> 
> Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? That's your first assignment. In it, you will learn that most men have the same top Emotional Needs - they need sex, they need recreation (having fun with you), and they need you to admire them. Stop giving your husband any one of those three things, and you are playing a dangerous game by not keeping that in mind. Men who feel they 'never do anything right in their wife's eyes' will SEEK OUT a woman who DOES admire him. Even if he's not aware he's doing it.
> 
> Sounds like that's what's going on. And it's a direct result of YOUR actions.


Preppy, you must pay attention to the above.

I heard you mention that you don't treat him well and then ..... nothing about what you're doing to change YOUR behavior. Yet, it's time to put more demands on him. No female friends... be romantic...?


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