# How important is kissing? Do you love it or hate it?



## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I was just wondering about kissing. It seems to be something that lots of folks like. I must just be that one weird girl. Just how important is kissing to you. Is anyone else here not a huge fan of kissing or am I the only one. 

I really don't like it. The thoughts of someone elses tongue in my MOUTH is gross. I don't like to have a wet tongue stuck in my ear, or to have my neck licked, or my fingers or toes sucked. YUCK. I just really don't like kissing. 

Thank God my H is understanding about this. Chances are better then average that at some point kissing was involved in CSA in my past. Everything else was why would something s simple as that have been skipped over. I have no hard proof, I just know I can't stand anyone close to my face and kissing especially bothers me. 

Doctors or dentists even hair dressers if they are to close to my face it makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I believe that someone did something to me maybe when I was little to make me not like it. Because someone DID do other things to me when I was little. 

Anyway. Am I the only one who would rather not kiss.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Kissing is of utmost importance to me. I immediately rule out a relationship with a bad kisser. And if I end up involved with someone who doesnt enjoy a lot of kissing, that relationship doesnt last.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Kissing is soooo intimate, I love it all. Especially when hubs holds my face in his hands.......OP, does your husband share the same views with you about kissing?:scratchhead:


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

NO. HE likes kissing and he is willing to settle for small amounts of kissing. (Very small amounts) 

Holding your face in his hands, that just makes me cringe to even think about that. Boy do I have got a lot of unresolved stuff to work on in T. It does sound sweet him holding your face in his hands and I am glad it works for you.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Do you like your hair to be stroked by him? A lover touching ones hair, brushing/washing can be really erotic too... I only ask because I like when hubs does that as well when he kisses me......


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

He can if he likes, as long as he is not close to my face. It is not something I like or dislike though. It is something he likes. He likes to touch my hair very much. I do let him. I am just not a touchy feely person.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I don't mean to be disrespectful in any way, but do you like your husband to kiss you on other areas of your body?


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

I am hyper sensitive to touch. Everything either tickles or give me sensations I do not like. I have learned to tolerate most touch and not try to flee. I have to force myself to stand still and let him touch me. Even in the most non sexual ways. I am very sensitive to heat,(body heat), to textures, and sensations are the worst.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

No. I don't like to be kissed anywhere. though oral sex does have it's appeal  That I can tolerate. But other then that, no. I am ticklish. Most touches are tolerable unless they are close to my face. I say tolerable not to be confused with pleasurable or even pleasant. They are tolerable.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I love kissing. I am also an CSA survivor but I love to be touched sexually by my spouse and touch back of course and that includes kissing. Also really kissy/cuddly with the kids. What I do share with you is the dentist issue. I also have high anxiety - near panic at the gyno/obs office. My gyno mainly sees pregnant women but still treats me because she is aware of my issue and I am most comfortable (as I can be) with her.I think for me it has more to do with not feeling in control or feeling trapped and they have authority over me (or that is how I feel)... a power imbalance, real or percieved in those situations freaks me out.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Big Mama, are you seeking IC for these issues? I only ask because of your beloved. He must want to kiss you deeply because he loves you and he can't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Love it and gotta have it. LOTS of it.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I think kissing is very important.

PIV etc all happens 'down' there in the southern hemisphere....kissing all happens up here in the northern hemisphere!

I love it. Sadly don't get it though.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Kissing daily, much like sex, could be the most important part about maintaining a healthy relationship. This next comment is going to be extremely unusual and dumb to most people on TAM. That's okay, I am used to saying dumb things.

If a species from another planet saw humans, saw us interact, I'd think they would look at kissing as the most intimate (or disgusting, depending on how they view us) act we do. We connect with another person by opening our bodies and putting our wet tongues in each others mouths. We can smell each others face and breath, and taste their insides. With our mouths being the dirtiest part of our bodies, I would imagine kissing would make the least sense. You can't make babies kissing and there really is no point to it other than... CONNECTION.

Okay, I am back. Connection is the key. You do not kiss to orgasm, you do not kiss to make babies, you do not kiss because it physically feels good. You kiss because you want a connection with your lover. It's probably the most intimate thing two humans do. It makes no sense, but it brings two people together and bonds them. Kissing each day is a great way to practice intimacy. And I truly believe a healthy couple should be physically intimate each day for at least 10-20 minutes, regardless of how busy you think you are.

Now, if you would rather not kiss or you're turned off at the thought of kissing your spouse, then I'd say there are underlying problems in the relationship. I am sure people will disagree, but we all can't agree on everything.

Does that mean I do not understand why some people do not like kissing? I understand. Like I said, it's probably the most nonsensical act we do. If you do not understand the importance of connection, then you just won't understand kissing. It's gross otherwise. Most people, if not all people, make their first real physical connection with another person they are interested in through kissing. It's getting used to the person, or no longer wanting to connect, that makes kissing seem stale or no longer important. One thing is for sure, most people, no matter what they feel, kiss when they want to show a person they are into them in the beginning. Losing that intimacy is common, but never good.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I would struggle to get any less kissing than I currently do and we have quite a bit.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I absolutely love it! But I resented being given a "kissing seminar" each and every time I felt amorous enough to try to kiss my rich, skanky, XW.

I reckon that she was just imparting to me exactly how her other men were doing it for her!*


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

It's critical. It's like mouth sex.


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## johny1989 (May 21, 2014)

Well I haven't read the post but I give my answer on the base of the title. In a relationship a kiss is very important. By that I mean a real kiss, not just a peck. If it's done when you're out and people are around, it's looked upon as a sign of love between the couple. However, if it's done when the two people involved are by themselves in a secure and loving situation it is regarded as the first step toward a sexual encounter. And yeah I am a very Good Kisser..


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

over20 said:


> Big Mama, are you seeking IC for these issues? I only ask because of your beloved. He must want to kiss you deeply because he loves you and he can't.


I am in IC. My T specializes in trauma's and PTSD. But when I bring us this kissing issue and sex issue she kinda just sayd "Well you are just gonna have to get over it and start giving in." Oh how I wish it were that easy.

I want to be normal. I want to be everything my H needs me to be. But my brain just seems to go else where. I don't want my H to leave because I am not meeting his needs. Just get over it and do it, REALLY. I just wish I could.

Maybe as we continue to work on things in T this issue will start to improve, IDK. It makes me want to cry I want this so badly. I want to be what my H needs, I want to be normal, My god I'm so screwed up I don't like sex, he can hardly touch me and I can't even kiss the man.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Big Mama, it's okay. Don't take the responses personally. People are just sharing their own experiences. It doesn't have anything to do with you and your experience. You have your own opinion, which is just as valid as anyone else's. You don't need anyone's approval.

The bottom line, for you, is that you don't like kissing. Okay. That's where you are. You might always be there, or things might change. No need to feel guilty.

I think you are working very hard on your issues with your therapist. It sounds like she is recommending for you to try kissing. Are you just feeling like you can't do that right now? Do you think you could communicate it that way to your husband? Maybe just share it in a way that says that it's where you are right now, but maybe he could help you gently get to a different place?


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I've known some women who considered kissing more of an intimate, special thing than sex; they would only kiss someone they had romantic feelings for, not someone they just wanted to have sex with.

Personally, I really enjoy it and not just on the mouth, the back and sides of the neck too.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Raises hand. I don't really care for kissing. 

Don't get me wrong, in the heat of the moment I can get into it and enjoy it. 

But. Ever since I was little I have a bit of a phobia of slobber.

Mix that with my husband who is a very wet and sloppy kisser and you get bad results. 

Actual kissing doesn't bother me at all. But if when we are done there is slobber all over my face I will wipe it off. I don't mind it in my mouth, but its grosses me out on my body.

I love kisses on my body, but not if there is a "puddle" left afterwards. I've tried to be sensitive and tell him gently that I don't like wet kisses, but he doesn't listen.

Sometimes when he kisses my neck or body I feel grossed out instead of enjoying it.  It makes me sad, but I can't help it. Occasionally I literately cringe away from him, and I also avoid kissing. 

The kissing is fun, the slobber is not. Figures I picked a guy who has the wettest kisses ever.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I dated a number of women who liked 'big mouth' kisses and learned to love em.

Then I met one of my ex's who was abused by her ex. and she told me
"no big mouth kisses, it's a deal breaker for me because of my ex".

So, out with the big mouth kisses and in with the small mouth wet kisses. She used to when we were making out, every once in a while give me a love bite. I loved that!

Then I met my present wife who also doesn't like big mouth but likes constant wet tongue.
While we're eating, every five minutes, all the time.

It can be annoying, but I accommodate her because I don't want to affect her libido. The only thing I miss are those big mouth kisses I used to get with the old girlfriends. Not complaining though.
Life is good.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Raises hand. I don't really care for kissing.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, in the heat of the moment I can get into it and enjoy it.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he's a bad kisser.... I couldn't take the sloppy kisses either. Yuck!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Kissing is EXTREMELY important. Think of it as a foundation to affection and intimacy.

Just me though


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

karole said:


> Sounds like he's a bad kisser.... I couldn't take the sloppy kisses either. Yuck!!


It's possible. His mouth is much larger than mine, so he kind of envelopes me. He isn't very delicate. It's like he gets in the moment and just goes wild and it feels like he is eating me instead of it being romantic or sexy. 

I usually have to pull back and slow him down. But he can be a very good kisser if he takes his time.

He is always been a slobbery person though.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> It's possible. His mouth is much larger than mine, so he kind of envelopes me. He isn't very delicate. It's like he gets in the moment and just goes wild and* it feels like he is eating me* instead of it being romantic or sexy.
> 
> I usually have to pull back and slow him down. But he can be a very good kisser if he takes his time.
> 
> He is always been a slobbery person though.


You wish


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## Faeleaf (Jul 22, 2014)

Coldie said:


> Kissing daily, much like sex, could be the most important part about maintaining a healthy relationship. This next comment is going to be extremely unusual and dumb to most people on TAM. That's okay, I am used to saying dumb things.
> 
> If a species from another planet saw humans, saw us interact, I'd think they would look at kissing as the most intimate (or disgusting, depending on how they view us) act we do. We connect with another person by opening our bodies and putting our wet tongues in each others mouths. We can smell each others face and breath, and taste their insides. With our mouths being the dirtiest part of our bodies, I would imagine kissing would make the least sense. You can't make babies kissing and there really is no point to it other than... CONNECTION.
> 
> ...


I loved this whole post, and agree with it. We think of sex as the most intimate thing we can do with another person, but it isn't. You don't need to like or trust another person to have sex with them. But we're very selective who we kiss.

You've seen puppies rolling around and play fighting, and how they instinctively go for the neck. No one taught them to do this - it's hardwired into animal brains, including our animal brains. We know trusting another person with our head and neck could easily get us killed. And ceding control of that area, letting another person in to touch, kiss, bite...it signals trust on a deep, biological level. 

My husband loves to kiss, and to do it for a LONG period of time. I find the longer we kiss, the more close and intimate I feel with him. Sometimes I feel as if I've melted into him, as if we're the same person melded together. As if I'm breathing him in like air, or drinking him like water. And all these impressions are completely emotional, and create such a strong bond between us. It's all about connecting, and it can be so incredibly powerful in that regard.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> You wish


I can think of better places to eat rather than my face.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I can think of better places to eat rather than my face.


CuriousWife and Samyeagar Thank you both you made me smile, and I couldn't agree more by the way. My H is a slobbery guy and it does have it's positives.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

jld said:


> Big Mama, it's okay. Don't take the responses personally. People are just sharing their own experiences. It doesn't have anything to do with you and your experience. You have your own opinion, which is just as valid as anyone else's. You don't need anyone's approval.
> 
> The bottom line, for you, is that you don't like kissing. Okay. That's where you are. You might always be there, or things might change. No need to feel guilty.


jld - Thank you for your kinds word. My frustration is not the people here or the responses. It is how badly I want to be normal and I just can't seem to get there from here. It is disheartening, and frustrating, and irritating. No one can change me but me, and it seems like right now even I can't change me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> jld - Thank you for your kinds word. My frustration is not the people here or the responses. It is how badly I want to be normal and I just can't seem to get there from here. It is disheartening, and frustrating, and irritating. No one can change me but me, and it seems like right now even I can't change me.


What is normal? 

You are where you are. Accept that.

Maybe back off from trying to change, and just try to relax.


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Raises hand. I don't really care for kissing.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, in the heat of the moment I can get into it and enjoy it.
> 
> But. Ever since I was little I have a bit of a phobia of slobber.


CuriousWife - Thank you, at least I know I am not alone. I have huge issues with touch and especially near my face. I also have IDK what one might call it, sensory overload, in my mouth. I feel everything. Hamburger is gritty, Steak it stringy, gum chokes me. I just can't handle lots of things in my mouth.

I have a things against slobber to. It makes a great lube for some but not for me. You keep your slobber and I will keep mine. And for crying out loud slobber belongs in your mouth only.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> CuriousWife - Thank you, at least I know I am not alone.
> 
> I have a things against slobber to. It makes a great lube for some but not for me. You keep your slobber and I will keep mine. And for crying out loud slobber belongs in your mouth only.


count me in. A dental hygienist would be a nightmare job for me. My OWN spit grosses me out...don't even get me started on everyone elses'. 

so obviously kissing can be a problem. I can sometimes kind of enjoy it when I am already sexually turned on..but to start out "cold" as a way of getting into sex..no way. 

and I also hate people close to my face. 

FWIW, I fortunately am not a CSA survivor. 

just a bit weird I guess.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> I am in IC. My T specializes in trauma's and PTSD. But when I bring us this kissing issue and sex issue she kinda just sayd "Well you are just gonna have to get over it and start giving in." Oh how I wish it were that easy.
> 
> I want to be normal. I want to be everything my H needs me to be. But my brain just seems to go else where. I don't want my H to leave because I am not meeting his needs. Just get over it and do it, REALLY. I just wish I could.
> 
> Maybe as we continue to work on things in T this issue will start to improve, IDK. It makes me want to cry I want this so badly. I want to be what my H needs, I want to be normal, My god I'm so screwed up I don't like sex, he can hardly touch me and I can't even kiss the man.


The fact that you realize this about yourself and seeking help ( I personally think every single individual should have IC, as none of us are perfect or had a perfect childhood) means you are on the right path. It also sounds like you have a gem of a husband who loves you very, very much.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I feel like the absence of kissing is a sign of not being in love, other than in the sense of love for someone who you've spent a long time with, but not in an affectionate sense. I just ask myself, how can a person really love someone if they don't even have the desire to kiss?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife and I were never huge on kissing, and passionate kissing didn't really do much for either of us. Then when we were going through counseling to save our marriage we were given homework. Kiss at least twice a day for five seconds, and we couldn't just put our lips together and wait five seconds. We initially thought it was dumb, but those kisses , and the emotionsl connection they hrlped build did more to reignite the passion in our marriage than almost anything else. A year later we love to kiss and if I kiss my wife just right, her clothes seem to fall off her body. 

Big mama: I think your therapist is ignoring critical triggers from you past abuse. My wife is a CSA survivor and from dealing with her, I know you can't "just deal with it" or "get over it". Sounds like you need a new therapist. My wife went nowhere with her first therapist and ended up going to Texas for four days to see a woman that deals with sexual issues with women. I can't belive the change in my wife in only four days. 

Good luck in you healing
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Ray, In IC we are waiting for more things to emerge. The things I have done in the past (as a youngster) add up to the things that children who are abused do. How they play and and how they react. The issues I have as an adult have the mannerisms of someone who was abused in the past. 

I have a huge family history of child abusers and molester. I have no solid proof that anything happened. Just to many coincidences. I have several items that stick out in my mind that make no since to me. Unless something happened somewhere along the line. 

Right now working on them is kinda hit and miss. We are not pushing for answers, we are letting answers emerge as they choose. The thinking is maybe not knowing is better, once you know you can't take that knowledge back. 

There are bigger marriage issues at the moment that we are working on.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

My wife was abused between 4 and 10 years old and blocked the memories which she slowly started getting when she was 30 ish. She initially did not want them back as she would then have to deal with them, but in the end she was glad they returned so they could be dealt with. They also helped us to understand her triggers and where some of her behaviors came from. The lingering effects of her abuse also caused a lot of issues in our marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calamityjim (Jul 18, 2014)

Big Mama, you sound just like my wife. I love kissing, and she's just not into it, unless we're in the throes. I often fantasize about holding her head in my hands and kissing her passionately, but the real-life incarnation is always truncated at a soft kiss.
It is definitely disappointing and makes me feel like she's not very into me, despite evidence to the contrary. But we've got other issues to work on. Just wanted to throw my hat in the ring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Ray, Thank you very much for sharing. I have learned a lot with this T about why I do what I do. I have learned that touches from behind are better for me, that way I don;t have to associate a face with the feelings. The look of lust scares me. I have learned that I cannot be touched when my emotions are high. That includes when I am upset. Loud noise is a no no for me. Touching certain areas of my body is off limits. Kissing is not something that appeals to me. My face absolutely cannot be touched. I have difficulties with dermatologist, hair dressers, dentists. I have learned lots and I have more to learn I am sure. 

Most importantly I have learned it is OK to say "NO". I couldn't say no to the abusers, I couldn't say no to the guy who raped me later in life, but I can protect me now by saying NO to my husband if I don't want to have sex and I feel like his needs are being self serving and really have nothing to do with me except needing my living body.


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

Love, love, love kissing. I agree with others here that is might very well be the most intimate expression of love a human can perform. Sounds like this is no fault of your own - wish you best in the counseling.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

Luuuv , luuuv , luuuuv kissing !! 

Passionate , heated , saliva ...... tongue swirling kisses are ummmmmmmmm the best IMHO  !!!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Big Mama said:


> Ray, Thank you very much for sharing. I have learned a lot with this T about why I do what I do. I have learned that touches from behind are better for me, that way I don;t have to associate a face with the feelings. The look of lust scares me. I have learned that I cannot be touched when my emotions are high. That includes when I am upset. Loud noise is a no no for me. Touching certain areas of my body is off limits. Kissing is not something that appeals to me. My face absolutely cannot be touched. I have difficulties with dermatologist, hair dressers, dentists. I have learned lots and I have more to learn I am sure.
> 
> Most importantly I have learned it is OK to say "NO". I couldn't say no to the abusers, I couldn't say no to the guy who raped me later in life, but I can protect me now by saying NO to my husband if I don't want to have sex and I feel like his needs are being self serving and really have nothing to do with me except needing my living body.


That's awsome that you understand your limitations. Make you sure your husband knows and understands them too. In my case, my wife scares very easily. So I never just walk up to her, usually I call her as I'm walking to her to get her attention and so that she can turn and see me comming. 

These things are triggers for you. When they happen they send your brain back to things that happen in your past that were painful. That is why you can't stand to be touched or kissed, because at some point these actions were associated with a painful event and your brain is trying to ensure it does not happen again. You and your therapist need to dig into your past to find what caused these things to be triggers. Understanding what sets you off and more importantly why, will be the key to your healing. 

I would also recomend that you see a sex therapist if your not already
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I love kissing. It doesn't always have to lead to something but sometimes we just lay in bed, hug and kiss. Kissing is very intimate.


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