# Moment of weakness last night, glad I did not act on it



## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Hi All - 

Separated now for just over 4 months, and H stiill refusing MC. It has been several weeks since I "went dark" when I realized that accepting crumbs from him (his offers to get together sociallt once a week or so) were keeping me tied the the pain and hopes of movement toward R when he was showing no signals of it, and making me feel devalued. 

Since then, we have had to have some limited contact over business matters (a rental property I am selling that has his name of the title). It has come up about where this stand with us -- and by all indications, he feels he will never be able to trust me again because of my relapse (I have been sober 7 months now and recommitted to my recovery -- had 14 years sober prior to the relapse that tarumatized him and our marriage). He has been in IC, and says that he has been working on overcoming anger, resentment and fear that surfaced AFTER I got sober again, but does'nt know if he'll ever get over it.

It hurts that he refuses MC, which to me = giving up on the marriage without even trying, but my IC therapist says this is still his anger talking. Also, I meet so many recovering people whose spouses stood by them -- not him, apparently. Why??? It makes me feel he doesn't take our marriage vows seriously. I know I screwed up, but am working hard to get better and back on track, and it makes me so sad that he won't give me a chance to make amends and show him I am serious about working hard to make sure I stay in recovery. It is not like I was a complete f-up and was never a b*ith to him -- my story is mild compared to so many I meet whose spouses stayed, especially once they got help and showed that they were committed to recovery.

The prospect of my H changing his mind and deciding to see if we can heal the marriage seem quite bleak, and I have done everything I could -- so it is out of my hands. As part of efforts to detach and move on emotionally, I started dating again, just as a way to meet men to hang out with for dinners, movies, etc -- not jumping into anything, but testing the waters. Last night I had the second of two lovely dates with a great guys who I really like. So far at the end of the dates he has not pressed for more than just hugs and kiss on the cheek -- not sure if he isn't feeling chemistry or is just moving slowly -- either way, that's OK, I donlt want to rush anything either.

But I had SUCH A MOMENT OF WEAKNESS when I got home lst night -- missing my H INTENSELY, the pain was gutting. WTF? I thought I was doing so well? I composed BUT DID NOT SEND an email forwarding a super-romantic "in love" old message he had snet me 7 years ago when we strated dating and were falling hard for each other. I was going to say something like, "hard to beleive it was 7 years ago today our love was thriving. I miss my wonderful H, etc." But thanks to you all, I did not send it. Still feeling a little sad this morning, but have fun plans for the day, so I'm sure it will pass. Just needed to get that out -- thanks for letting e vent, and for giving me strength to refrain from counter-productive contact with my H.

Hugs,- A12


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Good for you for not sending it, Awakening! It must have been hard to resist, but you did it!


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Good for you that you didn't send it. Those kinds of messages mean more when the air is clear and it sounds it wouldn't have been the best time for it. Glad you stopped to think before acting.

It hurts when we miss them and feel weak. One year of separation and things have fallen apart entirely in my situation, but I still miss him every day. I also know that to ignore the damage and coat it with a pretty picture (as tempting as it is), will only cause more pain because we can't ignore the damage in broken relationships and still expect them to sustain standing structures. 

I hope things get better for you! Stay strong. Hang in there.


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