# How to get over a fight and move on...?



## michelle2012 (Jan 5, 2012)

I am sure all of us have had bad, ugly fights with our spouses at some point or the other. I personally find it very difficult to move on after a fight and get back to normalcy soon. If it is my fault, I do apologize and we kiss and make up quickly. But at times when I think I am right in the argument, I find it very difficult to overlook the situation. Even looking at him becomes an effort, let alone smiling or having a conversation. My husband complains that I tend to stretch the fight way longer than required. And I do agree to some extent. Both of us slog our asses off at work during the week, and the weekend, when we desperately need a pleasant break, is spent sulking (that is if we have had a fight). And I agree that most of the times, it is because of me. My husband has never slept over a fight. No matter how angry, he will come back to me and try and make me laugh or just behave normal with me.

I need to learn how to overcome my stupid ego so we do not ruin the little time that we spend with each other. I am fed up of *knowing* that I totally should just open my mouth and talk if something is bothering me!!!! But my ego is so huge that I just don't! I do not want him to turn indifferent towards me because I do not know whether to draw the line.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Will power ! It's very hard to overcome yourself . I KNOW! We are like that , except that my husband is the sulker. It's good for you in every other aspect to learn to differ the important and the not so important fights. Learn to let go....really ,that's the thing! I think i'm in the process of learning that too.......... so good luck to both of us!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

In the last 13 years we've had only one argument, which wasn't too long ago. I had spent 5 nights in the hospital, which stressed my husband out to the max. He was very short with me and had an attitude like my teen daughter, I had to walk away due to him not listening to me and him denying the situation. I was getting no where and I am still sick, feeling very weak. I locked myself in the bedroom for a few hours. My husband did apologize, but a couple days later over the phone for being so short with me.

Other then that, we communicate and compromise beautifully! It's been that way from the beginning of our relationship. I'm not really sure how and why we get along so well. We never raise our voice, nor do either one of us nag torward one another. I think the lack of nagging really helps. My husband is a very confident man, but without the big ego. We both work very hard at our marriage and meeting each other needs. We often thank each other for the small things and show appreciation what we do for each other.

A few weeks ago was extremely stressful. My husband had to take care of the kids, house, and missed some days and hours from work. I had a massive kidney infection that I'm very slowly recovering from. I can understand why he was so stressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I cant remember a post like this where one says its totally my fault and I dont think you mean it. Maybe thats what your H tell you and tries to make you believe it. 
I think the first thing is to talk with your H and get him to admit that its not all your fault. It may sometimes be but not everytime. Once you get to the 'truth' things will be easier.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

michelle2012 said:


> I am sure all of us have had bad, ugly fights with our spouses at some point or the other. I personally find it very difficult to move on after a fight and get back to normalcy soon. If it is my fault, I do apologize and we kiss and make up quickly. But at times when I think I am right in the argument, I find it very difficult to overlook the situation. Even looking at him becomes an effort, let alone smiling or having a conversation. My husband complains that I tend to stretch the fight way longer than required. And I do agree to some extent. Both of us slog our asses off at work during the week, and the weekend, when we desperately need a pleasant break, is spent sulking (that is if we have had a fight). And I agree that most of the times, it is because of me. My husband has never slept over a fight. No matter how angry, he will come back to me and try and make me laugh or just behave normal with me.
> 
> I need to learn how to overcome my stupid ego so we do not ruin the little time that we spend with each other. I am fed up of *knowing* that I totally should just open my mouth and talk if something is bothering me!!!! But my ego is so huge that I just don't! I do not want him to turn indifferent towards me because I do not know whether to draw the line.


To be clear, I understand you to say that although you are both wrong at different times in an argument, he is able to let go when you are wrong and apologize, while you have difficulty letting go when he is wrong and apologizes. With that, you want tips on letting go.

If that is right, what do you want from him? Is his apology not sincere, or are you wanting to soak in your victimhood of being the wronged party. If the former, than you need to communicate that his apologies aren't really working. He needs to show sincerity and truly mean his apology.

But if it is the later (which I think it is based on your post), take 15 minutes away from him and think about his good qualities. Remember why you are married to him. Also, that is what makeup sex is all about - rebonding to your loved one. Sometimes you will need to fake it. It is difficult to do, especially when you have not practiced it much.

A morbid (but very effective) way is ask yourself how you would feel if he ran out to the store right now to get something and got hit by a bus. Do you want the last thoughts he had of you to be you sulking in the corner. I have found it to be a good exercise to remind me that my pride does not like to snuggle with me at night.


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

accept said:


> I cant remember a post like this where one says its totally my fault and I dont think you mean it. Maybe thats what your H tell you and tries to make you believe it.
> I think the first thing is to talk with your H and get him to admit that its not all your fault. It may sometimes be but not everytime. Once you get to the 'truth' things will be easier.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

We decided that the best way to stop a fight would be to do something silly mid-fight. We decided on tweaking the other's nipple. Cracks us up ever time. 

Once you have fought just hug. Resist the urge to make the other feel guilty and to punish them and just hold each other until the anger ebbs away.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Tall Average Guy said:


> A morbid (but very effective) way is ask yourself how you would feel if he ran out to the store right now to get something and got hit by a bus. Do you want the last thoughts he had of you to be you sulking in the corner. I have found it to be a good exercise to remind me that my pride does not like to snuggle with me at night.


:iagree:

Helps me get over myself every time.

Sulking and silent treatment is all about power and control.
Do you feel you lack these things in daily life/your marriage maybe?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

The real question you should always ask yourself is:

What has my ego earned me in life?

I will guarantee that your ego has not earned you a damn thing except hurt and anger.

EGO = POISON

Get rid of it altogether. ALL OF IT


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe you should try talking more directly about the fight after things calm down. Once that initial emotion has left and you can be more civil to each other, sit down and directly talk about the things that you feel are unresolved. It's not picking another fight, it's about trying to understand perspective.


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## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Pride is poison too.


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## the gifted (Aug 31, 2011)

You can go straight no but you can go straight without once you got past before


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

How do we get over fights quickly?

It helps a lot that we both understand that you cannot win a fight with your spouse -- you can only lose and lose worse. Carol and I are on the same team. That means we win or lose together as a team. I cannot win over her and vice versa because that's not how the game is played. Whatever her viewpoint is, I need to think of it just as I do my own. She is the other half of me. So honestly, we avoid a lot of fights to start with simply because we see it as an automatic losing strategy. When we do find ourselves in the beginning stages of a fight, we tend to abandon it again pretty quickly.

Failing that, when life and temper and ego get the better of us, there's always the really bracing thought, "Well Jeff, would you be better off without her?" For both of us, at least, that thought is _highly motivational_ because the answer is a resounding HECK NO. So understanding that there is only one choice... reach resolution... that helps to sharpen focus on getting there.

Finally, there is the fact that we both LOVE snuggling every morning and night and being cranky messes with that. We SERIOUSLY do not like anything messing with our snuggle time. Honestly, we are very, very close. Being even just a little bit not on the same page is almost painful.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Most things aren't worth fighting over. Pick your fights carefully. What metric do you use to decide if you should go toe to toe over something? Most people who fight often react to every little emotional twist. Ego is the biggest enemy you have. What do you gain from feeding it? Will it make the marriage better because you got what your ego wanted?

No! Never ever react to your first emotional input. Stop, sit on it a little while and give it perspective then talk about it rationally.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I truly believe that real love dominates pride and ego. 
There should be no place for pride/ego between two people who really care about each other. It's like wasting time instead of trying to fix things and communicate for a better relationship. 

I've had ego problems in the past, but now I've realized they serve for nothing.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

michelle2012 said:


> when I think I am right in the argument, I find it very difficult to overlook the situation. Even looking at him becomes an effort, let alone smiling or having a conversation.


What is missing here is any validation of your partner's position in these situations where you have made the judgement that you are right above all other considerations. No matter how bad or wrongful your partner is behaving in your eyes, you need to be able to find respect for his point of view and his feelings. Then you will be in a better position to get over your disagreements and move forward


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

What's the quote...would you rather be "right" or be happy?

When you get sulky and pouty, take a time out, and then come back and give him a hug and tell him you love him and know everything will be ok. You have nothing to gain by sulking - it will just make you feel bad longer.


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