# Issues with girlfriends children



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

My partner and I have different morale standards when it comes to our children.
She has brought her youngest three up pretty much single handedley although they all have different dads. I'm not judging her for that because she is a nice women but when it comes to discipline around the kids we are miles apart. She's too soft and her kids play her up like nothing I've ever seen. Her 5 year old is an absolute nightmare and we can't live together because he antagonizes my 9 year old all the time. But she just lets it go, but will moan at me because I put the barriers up with her kids!

Anyway, her daughter has been in no end of mischief and now her daughter has a regular boyfriend. She's 14 (just) and he's nearly 16. She has put her on the pill. Her mother had her first son at 15, so I understand her reasoning. But her daughter is on the phone texting him from the time she gets home from school until 9.30pm at night and hardly interacts with anybody. I've said to my partner that she should take the phone off of her earlier and limit access but it doesn't happen. Infact the daughter goes straight around the boyfriends house for tea three days a week and comes home at 8.30-9.00pm in the evening. To me she's almost encouraging the relationship when her daughter should be doing homework.....which she never seems to have.
Am I being over the top and old fashioned? I don't know!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice... Don't be father number 4...

You guys are in for a long rough ride. Have you considered counseling for mingled families? You and she NEED to be on the same page as far as parenting goes. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

No you are not over the top or old fashioned. You seem to care MORE for HER kids than she does. It's POOR parenting/negligence.

Sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen.

Def not healthy for you or YOUR children.

Also, I hate to be judgmental but 3 kids with different fathers should be a HUGE red flag REGARDLESS how "nice she might be".

Think about that a bit. And remember, if you choose to stay with this woman your kids will be no different than hers.

Put your heart/penis to the side and think with your brain!!!

I would find someone else and just end this relationship. RUN FAST and never look back.

I'm curious what it is that made you even get into a relationship with a woman like that (might want to take a look at yourself and see what's wrong).


----------



## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

A good buddy was in your situation. She had a 5 y/o like you describe. He loved her, and would have married her if the kid situation wasn't in the way. She REALLY wanted to get married. When her son hit 11 and puberty hit, he couldn't take it anymore. They broke up.

In less than a year later he was married. The wife had a son a little younger than the ex gf. I always figured it must have torqued off the old GF the way he got married.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

A bit in this situation now. Having trouble relating to my gf boy. She has raised him herself and he is needy and a bit spoiled. I will be watching this thread with interest


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

One way that my mother ensured that I didn't have a teenage pregnancy, or even one just out of wedlock was that she and my father as well, warned me that a good man will never be interested in me.

AS long as you guys keep proving my parents wrong, women are not going to have enough deterrents to having children in unstable relationships.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> A bit in this situation now. Having trouble relating to my gf boy. She has raised him herself and he is needy and a bit spoiled. I will be watching this thread with interest


There are VERY few women on this planet that can do a man's job when it comes to raising children.

Kid with no father will always have certain pieces missing......no matter what you do. 

And no mother will ever allow another/none biological father male figure discipline them property.....I should say, very few.

I can't stress enough how important both mother and father figures are in child's life.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> One way that my mother ensured that I didn't have a teenage pregnancy, or even one just out of wedlock was that she and my father as well, warned me that a good man will never be interested in me.


Your parents are smart


----------



## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

Gary22 said:


> She has brought her youngest three up pretty much single handedley although they all have different dads.
> 
> Her mother had her first son at 15, so I understand her reasoning.
> 
> her daughter has been in no end of mischief and now her daughter has a regular boyfriend. She's 14 (just) and he's nearly 16.




If this isn't an example of "apples don't fall far from the tree", I don't know what is! Yikes.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

DoF said:


> There are VERY few women on this planet that can do a man's job when it comes to raising children.
> 
> Kid with no father will always have certain pieces missing......no matter what you do.
> 
> ...


If this is true then no marriage will come. Time will tell


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> One way that my mother ensured that I didn't have a teenage pregnancy, or even one just out of wedlock was that she and my father as well, warned me that a good man will never be interested in me.
> 
> AS long as you guys keep proving my parents wrong, women are not going to have enough deterrents to having children in unstable relationships.





DoF said:


> There are VERY few women on this planet that can do a man's job when it comes to raising children.
> 
> Kid with no father will always have certain pieces missing......no matter what you do.
> 
> ...



The problem with statements like these is when someone is already a mother and won't leave their horrible or abusive spouse because they think they can't find another man who will love them or they think it's best to stay together for the kids no matter what. 

Good men can absolutely be interested in a woman with children and single Mothers with or without a partner can raise their kids wonderfully. 
This _specific _woman and her kids don't fit well with him and probably never will. He could go on to find another single Mother that raises her kids more in line with his own and be perfectly happy.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

On another message board that I visit, the male consensus about single males is

1. For every single mom out there, there is a single dad who doesn't see their child very often.
2. There is a woman who didn't make a wise choice in selecting a father for their child -- the most important decision to make for parenting. Granted, my sister is a single mom after 17 years of marriage so that is no fly by night relationship. 

But there are some women who are determined to become moms and whether they love or even respect the sperm donor is a non issue. There are threads that detail such situations on here.

I've noticed that the one size fits all solution for every problem is "You need to sharpen your partner picker." Funny, I don't ever see that insult visited upon single moms.


----------



## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

If you aren't married, how she raises her kids is her business. It's your choice if that is a dealbreaker for you.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Thanks for the replies, I am reading with interest.

I have to confess that at the start of this relationship I had one for 6 months after my breakup. I now know that it was a rebound. The girl I'm with now loves me to the end and the feeling is mutual. So I do want it to work. However, like all things, time will tell and I am really thinking the relationship over. My partner moved from her local town to be with me some 20 or so miles away, although we don't live in the same house, but we do spend as much time together as possible. She wants to move in with me but the problem is the children. Of course she blames me for the barrier but 
I can't get through to her that she needs to discipline her children better because it affects my two. Part of her decision to move is because her daughter caused no end of problems are her last school. And now she is causing them again....even with my own daughter. We are worlds apart if I'm honest but I've tried to guide her daughter but she keeps on causing trouble at school and within the family unit. The latest episode is that she has been telling friends at school that she left her last because she was raped at 10 years of age and that her father abused her. Her mum just says she feels sorry for her and that its because her father let her down. But there's excuses for all her behaviour and I feel our relationship is coming to an end because of this.
I feel I know the right thing to do is to move on, but its not easy.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

scatty said:


> If you aren't married, how she raises her kids is her business. It's your choice if that is a dealbreaker for you.


Quite right but if she wants to move in and says that I'm causing the barriers I do take umbridge to that.


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

You would actually contemplate settling with someone with kids by different dads?

That's crazy.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long have you been with this woman? How long ago did she move to be closer to you?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

We've been together for two years and she moved near me september of last year.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You can do nothing really.

If she won't take your concerns to heart this relationship has gone as far as it can.

There's nothing wrong with that if what you have now works for you.
If you want more like cohabitation or marriage you won't find it with her.
Not in any form that will allow you a relatively stress free life.

If she asks why you won't live with her or marry her just tell her the truth.
You don't agree with how she handles her kids and you don't want her kids influencing yours.

She says your concerns are "Just throwing barriers up".
This is a pretty big red flag that she doesn't take you seriously and your feelings mean little to her.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

Sandfly said:


> You would actually contemplate settling with someone with kids by different dads?
> 
> That's crazy.


She was just a girlfriend at first and then we became very close and the inevitable happened. We've had a good talk about it tonight but she won't budge and it turned into a slagging match....on her part no mine. So we are over...but I guess I just need the strength inside to know I tried.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Good men can absolutely be interested in a woman with children and single Mothers with or without a partner can raise their kids wonderfully.
> This _specific _woman and her kids don't fit well with him and probably never will. He could go on to find another single Mother that raises her kids more in line with his own and be perfectly happy.


:iagree:


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Gary22 said:


> She was just a girlfriend at first and then we became very close and the inevitable happened. We've had a good talk about it tonight but she won't budge and it turned into a slagging match....on her part no mine. So we are over...but I guess I just need the strength inside to know I tried.


Good for you. You are WAY better off this way and so are your children.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You can do nothing really.
> 
> If she won't take your concerns to heart this relationship has gone as far as it can.
> 
> ...


I just don't think she has the capacity to understand......very frustrating.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> Good for you. You are WAY better off this way and so are your children.


Thanks for that, I thought I was going mad!


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Gary22 said:


> Thanks for that, I thought I was going mad!


No problem

Not going mad, probably thinking with your heart....or even penis.

Happens every day and all the time.

:scratchhead:

How long have you guys been together?


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> No problem
> 
> Not going mad, probably thinking with your heart....or even penis.
> 
> ...


Some two years now........


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

The problem throughout the relationship has been the daughter. At the start of the relationship the daughter never washed before school instead just put her make up on. Her mother never done anything about it until I questioned her about it....out out of curiosity intially. From then she has been caught thieving and arrested by police in the local town. Got her brother beaten up by a neighbour for instigating problems at school so the brother tried to protect the daughter and got a good hiding. She told the school that her mother had beaten her and her mother was called in and to answer to the allegations which was a total fabrication. Smokes casually (even the grandmother gave her cigarettes in her own home at the age of 13) although the mother was fuming over it....no pun intended! She stole money from my bedroom. And has caused problems at the new school. She has also causing problems with my own daughter through jealousy. So I think I've answered my own question really.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You mis-diagnosed, I think. The problem isn't the daughter. The problem is the mother's refusal to deal with her daughter. 

I think you made the right decision, based on what you've said. It would have been really unfair to drag your kids into the mess that would have happened. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think you sould put the needs of your own children ahead of those needs of other children..... even children who have a mother who is obviously a good lay.

Your children will always be your children. But the stats on second marriages are miserable. 

Take care of your children and they will take care of you in your old age. Take care of this woman and she will divorce you and take everything you have .... even those things you wanted to give your own kids.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gary22 said:


> I just don't think she has the capacity to understand......very frustrating.


I know exactly how that feels.

I'm sorry it turned out this way for you, truly.

How are you doing?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The problem here is not you or the child. The problem is the mother.

Before my husband and I were engaged, we had HUGE problems with his daughters behaviour - so did her mother. Both her parents are far too permissive with her.

It got so bad, I reached breaking point and I said to my then partner that he had 3 options:

1. I take over all discipline and he backs me up without fail

2. He takes over all discipline, and I do none of it. I remove myself from the room and let him deal with it. This also means no school pickups or outings with her on my own, because I can't control her because I can't discipline her.

3. I move to my parents Wed-Sat each week while his daughter is in our home.

I was dead serious. He chose a combo of 1 and 2 and we took her to a child psychologist who validated everything that I had said he and his ex wife should be doing. She told them to listen to me, because I knew what I was talking about - and I don't have my own children!! Rofl!!

If you had ended up marrying this woman it would have been a disaster - and your own kids lives would be miserable.

I feel for your ex's kids, she is failing them in spades


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think you sould put the needs of your own children ahead of those needs of other children..... even children who have a mother who is obviously a good lay.
> 
> Your children will always be your children. But the stats on second marriages are miserable.
> 
> Take care of your children and they will take care of you in your old age. Take care of this woman and she will divorce you and take everything you have .... even those things you wanted to give your own kids.


:iagree:

Your kids have to be protected first. Had a frank discussion about this with my girlfriend so she knew exactly what I would be willing and unwilling to do in the future. While I recognize my kids will outgrow Their need and dependence for me, the things I have for them are for them alone and not to be shared with anyone.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I know exactly how that feels.
> 
> I'm sorry it turned out this way for you, truly.
> 
> How are you doing?


Good Morning, I'm doing fine although the partner isn't coping very well with it as she has visited me this morning and is very upset about it all.


----------



## Gary22 (Oct 18, 2011)

frusdil said:


> The problem here is not you or the child. The problem is the mother.
> 
> Before my husband and I were engaged, we had HUGE problems with his daughters behaviour - so did her mother. Both her parents are far too permissive with her.
> 
> ...


There are some good points there and you're right, unintentionally she is failing them imo.

It's very difficult not to get involved. Her daughter lives her permanently and the father has nothing to do with her. The son who is 5 shares time between his dad and my partner. The situation works fine but when she has her son I cannot spend too much time with them (not through lack of trying) because the 5 year old plays up and antagonizes my 9 year old and there is no harmony whatsoever. With the daughter, I have sort of tried to support the mother but she is just too soft with her. About a year ago she was up to no good on her mobile texting other boys a lot older and a pic was sent of one of the boys with an erection. She showed her mother and thought it was hilarious. For me, that told me a lot about their relationship yet the mother insists she spoke to friends and they have said 'well at least she showed you and didn't keep it from you....she's just innocent'! I totally disagree. For me, there's no respect. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we took the phone off her, but within a couple of days the mother gives in and lets her have it back. Even now, with the new boyfriend, instead of telling her daughter to get off the phone.......as she's on it all night, she lets her carry on until she goes to bed and what with putting her on the pill, for me, she almost encourages the relationship and the consequences instead of getting her daughter to interact more with us or even her friends. And of course it always ends up in arguments between me and the mother because she says im just getting at the all the time. I still don't know what to do with the relationship but in my heart, sadly i think I need to move on.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Gary22 said:


> Good Morning, I'm doing fine although the partner isn't coping very well with it as she has visited me this morning and is very upset about it all.


What is she upset about?

She needs to get a control of her household and her children. Without it, you don't want your kids around that environment.

Now, I know it's VERY difficult to deal with kids at that age.....but it has to be done.

If it bothers you and you don't agree with it (and are willing to end relationship) then she needs to listen and take steps to fix it.

Being upset = not willing to move a finger IMO

But again, putting EVERYTHING in this thread aside, I still think you shouldn't be involved with this woman OP. 3 kids/3 fathers is a WHOLE lot of responsibility/headaches to take on from your perspective (especially since you have your own children).

If you do continue, be VERY careful about her moving in or marriage. Look up local state laws as you might be on the hook for child support for those kids (it has happened before).

Proceed with caution


----------



## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Gary22 said:


> There are some good points there and you're right, unintentionally she is failing them imo.
> 
> About a year ago she was up to no good on her mobile texting other boys a lot older and a pic was sent of one of the boys with an erection. She showed her mother and thought it was hilarious. For me, that told me a lot about their relationship yet the mother insists she spoke to friends and they have said 'well at least she showed you and didn't keep it from you....she's just innocent'! I totally disagree. For me, there's no respect.


Wow. Sad. The mother is trying to be her daughter's friend, in my opinion. Seems like her value system is so totally off base that you don't have many options. You also don't want her naughty children influencing/destabilizing yours.


----------

