# boundaries with a female friend



## saucyjj (Mar 9, 2016)

I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 26, been in a serious relationship for just under 2 years. Saving up to buy a house together, so getting pretty serious. We have a great relationship, except for a few things. His best friend is female, I like her a lot and we have now become pretty good friends as well, so there is actually no jealously in the equation. I have always been pretty reserved in my relationships and truly believe that even if you trust this person 100% there are just some things that are inappriate to do while in a relationship.

1.She wanted him to come up to her holiday house a few hours away from where we live for a week; she invited me as well but I was working that week. He still thought it was okay that he go, just the two of them, saying that they had done it before many times before we were together. They would be sharing the same bed.


2.He asked if he could go and sleepover at her house when she broke up with her boyfriend to comfort her.


3.We all went to an event together, he complimented what she wore that night and jokingly insulted the top I was wearing.


I'm probably just really reserved but I don't think any of these things are okay, they go out for movies and meals and I have no problem with it, its just that one extra part which I think is unnecessary, like he can go and comfort her and stay as late as he wants but I don't think there is a reason for him to stay the night.

tl;dr So the question is am I too reserved or am I right to think these things are inappropriate?


********************************************************************************To the responses: 
Maybe I haven't described this very well, its not like these events are happening often, they have only each occurred once, and I don't have a problem with them hangingout toether, I'm just worried that are values aren't the same.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

saucyjj said:


> I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 26, been in a serious relationship for just under 2 years. Saving up to buy a house together, so getting pretty serious. We have a great relationship, except for a few things. His best friend is female, I would not trust any man whose "best friend" is a woman. I would say the same in reverse about a woman. I like her a lot and we have now become pretty good friends as well, so there is actually no jealously in the equation. I have always been pretty reserved in my relationships and truly believe that even if you trust this person 100% there are just some things that are inappriate to do while in a relationship.
> 
> 1.She wanted him to come up to her holiday house a few hours away from where we live for a week; *she invited me as well* When an opposite sex friend invites your partner to something you are invited by default. If that woman does not agree, then you know you have problems with her. but I was working that week. He still thought it was okay that he go, just the two of them, saying that they had done it before many times before we were together. They would be sharing the same bed. Oh dear, there is so much wrong with this scenario.,
> 
> ...


You are right to be concerned about the role that this woman has in your relationship with your bf / partner.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If you are truly considering a long term relationship / marriage with this man, this "best friend" is going to be a big problem going forward. You should realize that your acceptance of this current relationship is actually a three person relationship. This doesn't seem like a friendship, it's an emotional bond, and that's not good for you.

If I were you, I would insist that their 'dates' end (and that's what they are, dates). He should not be alone with her, you should always be present and the 'sleepover' is just jumping the shark. If he can't accept these (what I consider acceptable) boundaries, then DON'T BUY THAT HOUSE! He is not long term relationship material. A marriage (LTR) is between two people, not three, and she has to go.

Get the book "Not Just Friends" read it and then ask him to read it, you will see what I mean. Also, read this, it says what I am trying to say better than I can:

https://danielmiessler.com/blog/on-spending-time-with-the-opposite-sex/


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your man is just trying to be a good friend to her, nothing more.
You are doing a great job of allowing him to maintain friendships and being there for him. He will surely develop into a caring and thoughtful husband. 
You should start developing friendships with a guy yourself. Try sleeping with him after he breaks up with his girlfriend and making him feel safe. You will see what a kind and thoughtful act your boyfriend is doing for his friend.

Geez, what are you thinking? He's having sex with her? That's such backward thinking. 

This jealousy over nothing has got to stop. You are really insecure. Don't let your own insecurity damage your relationship with such a selfless, reliable man.


Oh, and if this is for real, your guy is dating two ladies and having sex with both. If you want an open marriage, marry him. If not, break it off with Mr. Obvious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Talk about a head scratcher, feels a bit trollish ...

Seriously, who in their right mind would be ok with their SO staying over with an opposite sex friend (I don't care how good of a friend they are) for one night, let alone an entire week. Sharing a bed, GTFOOH.

Consoling his "friend" when she broke up with her boyfriend ... yeah, I am sure nothing happened during that ...

On the other hand, your BF really does have a sweet setup. He has you to fall back on as his GF while he dates his friend. He might seriously be my new hero as he somehow made it ok to have a f$c$buddy in plain sight of his GF, no need for hiding or running around in secret.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't buy a house together unless you're married or at the least you are in a serious LTR that doesn't have boundary issues. 

Your bf needs to lose his friend or you need to move on. Read Not Just Friends. 

She is not your friend. At all.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Wow what a lucky guy, I would definitely be setting up some boundaries to see where he actually is in this buying a house together relationship before I moved further with it.

This friend of his does not respect your relationship at all, and for him to insult you and compliment her is crap. I think you need to have a talk with this guy before you add any more pennies to the house savings jar.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Not going to comment on your guy's side piece cuz I have my doubts if that story is true


For everyone else out there don't buy a house together unless you're married. If one of you really wants to own your own home, then buy something you can afford on your own.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

thefam said:


> *Not going to comment on your guy's side piece cuz I have my doubts if that story is true
> *
> 
> For everyone else out there don't buy a house together unless you're married. If one of you really wants to own your own home, then buy something you can afford on your own.


Yup, troll alert went off as soon as I read the OP's post.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have female friends and we do NOG share beds together. This is beyond strange. Sounds like this isn't going to work for you so might want to check out now before you get in too deep.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You might want to reconsider buying a house with this dude.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

saucyjj said:


> I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 26, been in a serious relationship for just under 2 years. Saving up to buy a house together, so getting pretty serious. We have a great relationship, except for a few things. His best friend is female, I like her a lot and we have now become pretty good friends as well, so there is actually no jealously in the equation. I have always been pretty reserved in my relationships and truly believe that even if you trust this person 100% there are just some things that are inappriate to do while in a relationship.
> 
> 1.She wanted him to come up to her holiday house a few hours away from where we live for a week; she invited me as well but I was working that week. He still thought it was okay that he go, just the two of them, saying that they had done it before many times before we were together. They would be sharing the same bed.
> 
> ...


Your BF is also dating his BFF. I would really rethink home purchase with this person.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

saucyjj said:


> His best friend is female, I like her a lot and we have now become pretty good friends as well, so there is actually no jealously in the equation. I have always been pretty reserved in my relationships and truly believe that even if you trust this person 100% there are just some things that are inappropriate to do while in a relationship.


I have similar close female friends and they are friends with my wife also. That shouldn't be an issue.



> 1.She wanted him to come up to her holiday house a few hours away from where we live for a week; she invited me as well but I was working that week. He still thought it was okay that he go, just the two of them, saying that they had done it before many times before we were together. *They would be sharing the same bed.*


and as I read on with the good friends bit we get to the WTF :surprise: moment. 

He could have suggested a couch, a blow up mattress or sleeping in a chair. If you are working for the week then why not suggest that the two of you go up for the weekend together, he doesn't have to stay the whole week.

I'd say there is a big boundary problem here. If she really is the good friend to him she would respect his relationship with you just as much as he should.



> 2.He asked if he could go and sleepover at her house when she broke up with her boyfriend to comfort her.


Consoling a friend can be done by phone, skype or even popping round for an hour or so. Assuming she's an adult she doesn't need a bed mate to cuddle her all night. She needs to find her own boyfriend for that.



> 3.We all went to an event together, he complimented what she wore that night and jokingly insulted the top I was wearing.


Again definitely not OK. Complimenting people is one thing but you don't put your SO down in company, ever.



> I'm probably just really reserved but I don't think any of these things are okay, they go out for movies and meals and I have no problem with it, its just that one extra part which I think is unnecessary, like he can go and comfort her and stay as late as he wants but I don't think there is a reason for him to stay the night.
> 
> tl;dr So the question is am I too reserved or am I right to think these things are inappropriate?


You are not too reserved at all. I don't have a problem with going out for drinks or a meal with friends but he seems to have his priorities way out of line and you need to set boundaries here.

BTW. Put the house purchase on hold. That is a huge commitment especially when you are not married. If it doesn't work out between you getting away from the house could be a serious problem and you need to get to know him a lot better first.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

This is a mess.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Your boyfriend is gay.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

A home is a great investment. Keep saving. 

Also, get a new boyfriend.

And never, ever buy a house with someone that you aren't lifetime committed to, meaning minimum engaged with a wedding date set in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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