# Divorce causing me so much pain



## jackweds (Jul 3, 2011)

Hi,

I have never been on one of these sites before but feel so desperate i felt it could help me in some way to get some advice. My wife has left me (approx 2 months ago) after 3-4 months of deciding if she wanted to or not. I tried everything in order to make her stay and now feel totally lost and to be honest quite suicidal. She was my childhood sweetheart and although we have been married under a year with no children i feel like the last 15 years of dreams have been totally taken away from me. I am a sensitive soul and am starting to feel totally petrified about the future and if i will be able to cope with the up and coming divorce proceedings and then life after. I am terrified of women and their ability to make me feel so low after they leave me. I was a good husband, of course i had my flaws like any human being but was kind and compasionate and caring. I just dont know what to do. I am (so i am told) a good looking man and have never had any problem with the opposite sex and only 30 but i just feel like my life is totally over. I am having to break the day up into 15 minute blocks and the advice about focusing on positives and trying to find things i enjoy just seems impossible, i am totally consumed with guilt, anger, depression and deep dark grief. 
Has anyone been here and got to the other side, how long did it take and will i ever be able to enjoy a meal or watch the sunset without crying. And are their any good trustworthy women out there? 

Thank you.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dear Jack ~

First, if you feel suicidal whatsoever, please call 911, go an emergency room or call a neighbor or friend.

The emptiness that you are feeling is very normal and it does get better but right now you are at a very low point in your life.

It does help to post here and there is always someone to help you but that is just a temporary fix.

See a therapist, counselor, priest or rabbi.

Hang in there.

VH


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes you will get through this.
Just like when there is a death in the family, we mourn and then move on.
The death of this relationship is not the end of the world, you are mourning and you will move on. The lenght of time you mourn is up to you. 
Go work out and start that hobby that would have gotten in the way of your marriage.

You have been so focused on trying to make an unworkable marriage workable, I'm sure there are a few thing that you have neglected. I'm sure there a few projects that need your attention, so go focus on them.....

The death of this relationship will get easier as time passes, especially when you meet a women that apreciates you.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

Dear Jack:
Yes, it will get better but you must start getting a support group together. It is too painful to go it alone. I, also, had fleeting thoughts of death but really I am not going to kill myself over this. 

I have been going through this for 4 months now and divorce day in court is 7/19. Did that unbelievable pain stop? Yes about a month ago but there are days still that I feel very sad and alone. We lost our best friends.

Don't be worried, you're 30 years old. My goodness that is young. I am 54 and going through this. I feel the same way. Are there decent men out there that aren't ruled by ego and pride?

To answer your question: yes there are very decent women and you will meet one when you are ready. Don't rebound, doesn't work. Just get through this, you're going to grow immensely and then life will happen again. I know it will and that comforts me now.

I am in a holding pattern but today that is ok. Yesterday was a different story. And that is how it goes, one day up, one day down, one day ok.

You will be ok one day. Each experience is different but not the pain. You are in the right place.


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## jackweds (Jul 3, 2011)

Thank you for your messagea, i am quite blown away at how quick and how much love is in them. I just feel so broken, i am seeing a lot of people on this site that are scared and almost angry at the whole of the opposite sex. I can understand that as i feel the same but i dont want to. I want to believe that lovely women do exist who dont cheat or lie but my past experience has not shown me that. The world seems like such a cruel place at the minute, i am quite a wholesome person in many ways and i like a quiet life i guess. That does not mean i am not adventerous, i ride fast motorcycles and sky dive but am not a party animal or a cheater. I just cant understand why people swear their lives away with you then in a heart beat turn and walk away. It is like i never knew her, she does not want to talk to me and only seems to communicat when divorce is mentioned. I am trying desperatly not to call or text but the pain is SO intense and i keep cracking and texting to say how much i miss and love her. I feel like a kid, lost, lonely and helpless.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop begging, I know it tough not to contact her, but if this gives you any streng believe in the fact that people want what they don't have.
Stop giving her the perseption that you will always be around. Even if its fake, show her confidence in you voice that you will move on with or with out her. Women find confident men attractive.

Do not empower her by telling her how weak you feel. Empower your self by having the additudue that you will succeed and be a better person with out her. Make her second guess her choice by being the man she didn't expect...being a strong and confident man that will get out of this funk soon enough and be better for it with some one who won't bring out the worst in him, but a man that will go out and get what he diserves.

Show she is the weak one, the cheater that had to step out b/c she was not strong enough... show her this additude of confidence.
She may start to rethink her dicision when she sees a better man moving on with out her.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jack how are you doing? I am so glad you posted and I want to share my experience with you. I don't like talking about it but it is worth it is it can help you hang on, you will not regret it. 

I was suicidal when I was 15 after I was taken advantage of by a older man who was my coach, married with children. I thought I would never recover and I wanted to not be alive. I hated myself because I was so stupid. I did reach out for help and was hospitalized for a few weeks. At first I hated boys and men and did not trust them. I was very mean in rejected boys who were attracted to me. I was very pretty and drew the attention of many boys at school.

I would draw them in and wait till they started to pressure me for sex acts then reject them cruelty. I hated older men with a vengeance. I know I hurt many young boys out of my pain. I could they would beg i hate to think of it now and i have prayed to God to sooth them. I wonder if I deserve to be happy. So you see my action were out of my pain nothing to do with the worthiness of these boys. she will be filled with regret too eventually. . 

I am so glad I did not check out. My children would not exist and my soul would not have had a chance to the place I am now. I would not have met my husband who befriended me at 16 and helped me heal. 

Her treatment of you is not about you but about her, I don't know if that will help now but it is something to ponder. I wish I was mature enough and had guidance bu my parents to not hurt boys. Unfortunately , my parents were to locked in their problems. I was left to myself. 

You need live help to get through this period. There are many stories of failed suicide attempts, these people regret tge attempt. Make your plans about actions you will take. Tell up here what you plan so we can help. You can not do this alone. You will get better and you will grow and gain a perspective tgat few other people have. Appreciation for the joy that you will experience in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jackweds (Jul 3, 2011)

Thanks Catherine, that is a very intersting point about it being about her and not me. I am fully aware that in a relationship break up both parties are at fault but my wife does seem to be making decisions and displaying behaviour that does show signs of severe past damage and i think co-dependancy. As i said i am no angel but am faithful and loyal. I just dont know when this feeling of doom and misery will end, in the past in my life i have had those 'teenage' style feelings of suicide based around 'that will show them how miserable i am' but the feelings i have now are quite different. I just dont see how i am going to get through this mountain of pain, it just seems so impossible and the thought that after i do (if i do) heal another woman could do this to me again just makes me feel like all future realtionships are a pointless gamble, thus i am left with this feeling that i may as well end my life, it is almost clinical but born out of this deep deep pain which for months has not lifted. I guess what helps is when others like Catherine say they have been here and moved on, at the minute that just does not seem possible.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

I felt suicidal when my ex told me he wanted to leave, and I was afraid enough that I checked myself into a behavioral health unit at the hospital for a 9 day stay to get my depression under control. So if you are really feeling suicidal, you HAVE to call 911 or get yourself to the ER.

That being said, I survived. I was one who thought I couldn't live without my significant other. But I can. I have been doing well for almost 2 months, by myself. I did the 180 (building your own confidence and appearance and deciding to be absolutely the best thing ever) for ME, not to get him back. But it may have worked for that. You might like to be with someone, but you don't HAVE to be with them. That's what I've learned. You will find strength you never knew you had, and will come to a place where you are proud of who you are and how much you can do. It takes time to get there. And you can't go it alone.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jack I won't be able to answer for a while I am going to a concert will soon as I can this evening. I learned to trust again but I had to work at attracting the right kind of person by not placing my happiness in anyone's hand, protecting myself by paying attention to red flags and backing out when I was giving more than I got. My dating experience was limited as my husband and I started dating when we were 19. I did not have any deep emotions for my dayes or sex But I learned a great deal about putting my safety and well- being first. 

You will learn tge same when you recover. Got to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Hi Jack, sorry Im at a lack of advice here because Im going through the same thing. Best thing you can do is keep posting your feelings on here and reading what others have written as well. Whenever I feel like I can't take another minute of life I come on here and read that other people are going through the exact same thing. It seems to help knowing I'm not the only one.
Not sure how I'm going to make it but I'm still breathing.


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## for better or for worse (Jul 4, 2011)

Don't worry Jack, you are not alone, 

Remember the old saying "this too shall pass".

I now wake up in the morning and tell myself, 'today is for me, i am going to be the best person i can' and although I have good days and bad days (and i'm just getting started), i am just taking things minute by minute, telling myself that the minutes will be getting better.


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## enlightened1 (Jul 3, 2011)

I understand where you are coming from. I had waves of emotions that I battled with every day. Force yourself to do something for you every day. Take a walk in the sunshine, laugh, do something with a friend. Trust me dwelling on it will make you insane... I was at the breaking point. Time is helping... The bad days will less as time goes on. Most important NEVER GIVE UP!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jack how are you? Please post and let us know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jackweds (Jul 3, 2011)

Thanks for all the messages, i have read quite a lot in the last 12 hours, a book on the 5 stages of grief and then another book which i skimmed about divorce and 'climbing a mountain of pain before you reach the top to enjoy the view.' Today seems to be better then yesterday but i am sure as hell not feeling good. I have read a lot about focus, dreams and goals in order to try and get some kind of 'point' back in life. I simply am finding this impossible, every waking second seems to be caught up in this nightmare and the way she is reacting (without a care in the world) is just making me feel even worse. It makes a mockery of our whole relationship and i am left feeling "did she ever love me at all?". I am determined not to text her today and i am determined not to be in contact at all until we have to to start divorce proceedings (we can not start this until we have been married a year due to UK law.) I dont know what else to say, i am just so heart broken and i really feel this cant be happening to me. I feel i have lost everything and i dont really see how i am ever going to be ok. I know that sounds like the moaning of a teenager and i have had my heart broken in the past and recovered fully but this was 'the big one', the only woman i have met in 30 years that i would have had children with and married and i just devastated. Why do people do this? Why?!!


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Jack, I feel like I am your female counterpart - almost a parallel story.

I am also not even 30, we've been together 4 years and those were the best years of my life while my H considers them to be his 'worst'. I also consider myself good-looking and I never had trouble attracting guys before but with my H, it was all different, I learn how to love, we were each others' first love. Until now, I love him and I just cannot give up on him even though he is saying it is all OVER. 

But one thing that prevents me from committing suicide and actually for improving myself - my overall health, appearance, my work, and all of that - is the hope that one day my H is going to come back. 

You can read my adventure on my thread: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...y-husband-left-me-but-i-am-not-giving-up.html


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