# My boyfriend saw a text a past fwb sent me that had a pic of me



## WorriedGirl1! (Apr 4, 2018)

Hi. I just registered because I need some advice. I'm not married (but I hope to be) I hope it's OK to ask for suggestions.

So I'm pretty sure I have (finally!) met "The One!" We've been a couple for almost four months now and I've never been this happy in a relationship before. He's a handsome, caring, intelligent guy with just the right amount of edge - nothing off the deep end and I love him for that. 

So here is my really embarrassing problem. Last weekend we were spending the night together at my place. When I went to the bathroom I got a text. My phone was next to my bed and I wasn't there so my guy leaned over to get the phone. It was a booty call message from some guy I haven't seen since I started dating my boyfriend. In the text the guy was explicit and said I should come over and that he was getting aroused looking at a pic I had sent him. For emphasis he copied the pic to the text. It was a revealing nude that I sent him ages ago. Sooo my boyfriend saw all this and like just shut down. He said he couldn't believe I'd send some random explicit pics. He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny. In the morning the topic didn't come up but there really wasn't a whole lot of conversation.

I have texted him many times since then but he's only texted back a few times. We spoke on the phone but he wasn't all that chatty or warm like his usual self. I feel like he's not himself now and that we're drifting apart and I don't want that to happen. What should I do and how should I approach this?


----------



## tom72 (Nov 4, 2017)

Well that's what you get for sending nude selfies. Make bad decisions, bad things happen

Perhaps your boyfriend is starting to find out who you were and not liking it? Possible running for the hills.


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't think that your boyfriend wants to continue your relationship anymore. He has pulled away. Let him go. Next time, be discreet in your relationships & respect yourself, by not sending these nude photos nor allow men to use you as a booty call. If you want a serious relationship, respect yourself and build a relationship with a man without these loosely defined relationships. With the next serious guy in your life, let him know what happened in this relationship, so that he is well aware of situations like this. It won't be a surprise to the next man in your life.


----------



## WorriedGirl1! (Apr 4, 2018)

Roselyn said:


> I don't think that your boyfriend wants to continue your relationship anymore. He has pulled away. Let him go. Next time, be discreet in your relationships & respect yourself, buy not sending these nude photos nor allow men to use you as a booty call. If you want a serious relationship, respect yourself and build a relationship with a man without these loosely defined relationships. With the next serious guy in your life, let him know what happened in this relationship, so that he is well aware that situations like this embarrassing situation may come up. It won't be a surprise to the next man in your life.


But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


Call him & ask to have a heart to heart talk. Be honest with him on what you were. By the way, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend? How long have you known your boyfriend? Don't expect your boyfriend to turn around. He may or he may not. The more needy and pushy you are about this relationship, the more he will distance himself. You are in a very bad situation.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> He said he couldn't believe I'd send some random explicit pics. He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny.


These are your "clues". Your BF's words "random explicit" contain a value judgement. You told him this guy "didn't mean anything" and expressed your reply in such a way as to send a message to your BF..... a message that he (your BF) "doesn't mean anything" either..... because you have evaluated your behavior with the guy from your past as being equivalent to your behavior with your current BF. That is likely bringing the "funny look"....

If I was your current BF, I would be seeing this as a "red flag" .... perhaps, more like a flashing, 15000-volt red neon sign... but, I'm rather certain that he is "getting the wrong message"....

my suggestion is that you make sure this subject "comes up" .... and, do not "spin" nor "sugar coat" your prior relationship to this other man. He was a man who was close to you in the past. This is why you sent him explicit pictures, not because he was "random".... and, your expression should include that you REGRET having allowed yourself to be close to that man, and you REGRET having sent pictures of yourself to him. You cannot "undo" this action, however, you can re-assure your current BF that your intent from this day forward is to have an exclusive relationship with him, and him only.

Ask for your current BF's forgiveness, and send a message to your former guy with a copy to your current BF expressing that you consider any relationship you had with him to be completely in the past, and do not want any further contact to him, ever, for any reason.... you have "moved on"....

We guys are very different than you girls. We are not too moved by "feelings". We are Joe Friday. "...just the facts, ma'am....". Make your conversation with your current BF a "no-spin zone"....



WorriedGirl1! said:


> That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!!


Exactly. I cannot know whether your current BF will accept your apology .... but, it will "...go a long way..." if he sees that you recognize your past behavior as a sin against him. That, unknowingly, and ignorantly, you were unable at the time to accurately predict the consequences which have developed. But, you have indeed "learned your lesson" from it, and are profoundly ashamed and mortified that it is HIM (current BF) who is "paying the penalty" for your past indiscretion.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


I’m not trying to be harsh here but how did you expect him to react.You were both in the honeymoon period,he had built an image of you in his mind and now it has been shattered.He may also have seen you as “the one” but now he sees you as someone who treats sex as something unimportant,you will sleep with any random guy who has your number.Again I’m not trying to be harsh,just realistic.
I would be interested to know did he have sex with you that night after the text message,if he did you may be able to salvage the relationship but if he didn’t then you two are finished.
How many other men have pictures of you posing intimately,you need to make sure this situation doesn’t arise again whether you and this guy get back together or not.
As to getting back with him you need to talk face to face and explain that you are a different person now to the one you used to be.Everyone has done things in their past that they regret,I know I have and if he isn’t willing to accept this then move on.
I wish you luck.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


So you would send nudes to some random booty call guy that you had no emotional attachment to but wouldn't send a nude to the guy you now think could be the "one"? I hope you didn't tell him that. 

The ball is in his court, he is now seeing you in a very different perspective and he obviously doesn't like it. I will say shame on him for looking at your phone, he probably already has trust issues and now he's thinking he was right not to trust you. Yes I know it was from your recent past but for him it's here and now and he's feeling disappointed. This relationship may have lived it's life cycle.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Oh Lordy Lordy. 

You don't mean to say that there might possibly be repercussions to those abhorrent practices of FWB's?? Of booty calls? Of sexting? Of being a cheap piece of ash to some random asp-hole?
Geez, who'd a thunk it?

The guy that you liked, the one who was a real catch? … Now he knows who you are and not really that much of a catch yourself.
Consequences my dear. Consequences.

Sadly, you are not alone. Your type of behaviour is now legion. Sadly.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Either your bf will learn to handle it, or he won't. If he is willing to talk about it, be honest about your past and answer his questions (just don't violate anyone else's privacy with details). You did nothing to be ashamed of, IMO, although there are still many people who have a less casual attitude about sex. Also, are his standards consistent, or would he be as judgmental if a former gf sent him a nude selfie?


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Well, I guess the consensus is if you're a woman and you DARED to have a casual sex relationship with someone when you were SINGLE - and had the audacity to send your FWB occasional nude selfies - you're the biggest tramp on the planet. I can't help but think if this post were written by a man, he'd be hearing all about how stupid he is for not having cut off his FWB relationship once this relationship became serious and that the girlfriend was a nosy witch for having the nerve to read HIS texts on HIS phone. Gotta love the hypocrisy.

I will say, what the hell* right* did this guy have to take your phone and read YOUR message? Quite honestly, I think you dodged a bullet because he sounds like the type who would have been paranoid about everything and constantly accusing you of doing stuff you weren't doing. If he has no qualms about being only 4 months into dating you and he's _already_ snatching up your phone the* second* you get a text and you're not right there to get it, then your life would have been one long sleigh-ride to hell with this guy. 

You don't see it yet, but one day you will.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

*I won't make any value judgments...*

I won't make any value judgments...about sending pics or FWB's. 

Lord knows I have had my share of FWB, but I am older and I think sending pics is stupid. 

Here is where you blew it, and if you want "REAL" relationships you better learn this now. 

You were not transparent. Yeah you to told the truth but just barely, and you were vague at that

Here is what you should have said, "Look that is an old FWB's that I used to screw. I have not seen him since before we started dating. And yeah, it was kind of stupid to send pics, that is not the brightest thing I have ever done". 

Next you should have let him see you text your FB saying that you have a BF and you are deeply in love. 

Now if you had done the above, he might not be fixing to ghost you.

See what you did was basically say, "Oh, it's ok... He is just a guy I use to see." And left it at that. 

Now, why did you do that? Are you embarrassed that you sent pics? Are you embarrassed that you have one or more FWB's? Why is that. 

Have you had the talk with your BF? Have you have the "GENERAL not DETAILED" talk about sexual past, attitudes and values about sex and past sexual partners? And look I am not talking about gory numbers and details. 

Are you guys on the same page about sex, sexual partners, and all that stuff. 

The reason that you did what you did is I think you are embarrassed, and you think it is better to lie by omission than just come clean and talk about all this stuff. 

That is where you blew it. Now, can you fix this? Maybe, but understand this... Men with some experience will not put up with vague, flippant GF's, oh, they will bang them, but long term, no way.

If you get him to talk to you, then you need to apologize for being vague, and you have to have the hard talks. 

I am not saying for a minute that you should feel bad about having FWB's or sending pics, although I think sending pics it stupid. But you are allowed to sleep with whoever you want. But when you are in a serious relationship, you should have talked about basic sexual values and practices and understand where everyone is at. 

And before you even ask, if you are one of those girls that has a lot of male "Friends" and sometimes you hand out, you may want to knock that off. 

Men that know their value are not like a lot of these young beta men that are out there. Men don't put up with "friends" (aka - obiters) that you hang out with either, just like they don't stand for GF's that are vague out FWB texts...


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I guess the consensus is if you're a woman and you DARED to have a casual sex relationship with someone when you were SINGLE - and had the audacity to send your FWB occasional nude selfies - you're the biggest tramp on the planet. I can't help but think if this post were written by a man, he'd be hearing all about how stupid he is for not having cut off his FWB relationship once this relationship became serious and that the girlfriend was a nosy witch for having the nerve to read HIS texts on HIS phone. Gotta love the hypocrisy.
> 
> I will say, what the hell* right* did this guy have to take your phone and read YOUR message? Quite honestly, I think you dodged a bullet because he sounds like the type who would have been paranoid about everything and constantly accusing you of doing stuff you weren't doing. If he has no qualms about being only 4 months into dating you and he's _already_ snatching up your phone the* second* you get a text and you're not right there to get it, then your life would have been one long sleigh-ride to hell with this guy.
> 
> You don't see it yet, but one day you will.


My Dear SSGI,

On being the Devils Advocate, on this, you fail miserably.

If it was you on that bed and him getting up to tinkle and while gone, his phone flashed and blinked, winkled.

If it was you that peeked. 
Saw the message, saw his member standing tall, another women praising it, asking for it.

What time frame would you place this J-Pegged photo? 
Was it taken a week ago, a year ago?

You would not know. The lump in your throat would bar talking, asking. 
The lump would block out any communication.

Your throat would be constricted, your heart pained. 

OH, YES. *If you cared about this new man. A man worth keeping.
*

Unless, unless you too have sent photos, you too have gotten booty calls. 
Then you too would be sympathetic to your new perfect man. Sympathetic with his member in another women's phone, once in her phone booth.

This, the above being BS.
*Of course, you would not be sympathetic. You would be heartbroken, stunned and finished. Finished with him.*

Being in the honeymoon phase means learning everything about each other. Keeping, having 'few' secrets from/on each other.

Four months in, likely, twenty plus intimate and close encounters in 'you'. You, he then feel inclusive, exclusive. Or want this close bond.
...............................................................................................

OP, on him being over-zealous, nosy and intrusive, I disagree. He was just starting to fall in love with you. He had the highest 'hope' in you.

...............................................................................................

SSGI-
You being on that bed, and seeing that phone text and photo of your loving BF's member, you, SSGI, would be crushed.
Unless you are a lobster, having a thick shell, a thick skull. 
A lobster, having no wiggly, prominent feelers.

..............................................................................................

On being the Devils Advocate:

I had that job, I sat at the right hand of Hades. 

I am that person. I have the blood of thousands on my hands.


The Red Queen


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I will say, what the hell* right* did this guy have to take your phone and read YOUR message? Quite honestly, I think you dodged a bullet because he sounds like the type who would have been paranoid about everything and constantly accusing you of doing stuff you weren't doing. If he has no qualms about being only 4 months into dating you and he's _already_ snatching up your phone the* second* you get a text and you're not right there to get it, then your life would have been one long sleigh-ride to hell with this guy.


YES!!! This was the first thing I thought when I read OP's post!! He's been dating her for only four MONTHS? How dare he read her messages!

I never read my husbands messages when we were dating, nor he mine. As time went on those things became not so big of a deal but at only four months in?? Wtf?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How long ago — in months/years — did you send that pic? And have you sent anything similar to your boyfriend?

And when did you last see the FWB? Is he someone with whom you have any sort of semi-regular non-sexual contact? Like a neighbor or co-worker? Barista at your favorite coffee place?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I guess the consensus is if you're a woman and you DARED to have a casual sex relationship with someone when you were SINGLE - and had the audacity to send your FWB occasional nude selfies - you're the biggest tramp on the planet. I can't help but think if this post were written by a man, he'd be hearing all about how stupid he is for not having cut off his FWB relationship once this relationship became serious and that the girlfriend was a nosy witch for having the nerve to read HIS texts on HIS phone. Gotta love the hypocrisy.
> 
> I will say, what the hell* right* did this guy have to take your phone and read YOUR message? Quite honestly, I think you dodged a bullet because he sounds like the type who would have been paranoid about everything and constantly accusing you of doing stuff you weren't doing. If he has no qualms about being only 4 months into dating you and he's _already_ snatching up your phone the* second* you get a text and you're not right there to get it, then your life would have been one long sleigh-ride to hell with this guy.
> 
> You don't see it yet, but one day you will.





frusdil said:


> YES!!! This was the first thing I thought when I read OP's post!! He's been dating her for only four MONTHS? How dare he read her messages!
> 
> I never read my husbands messages when we were dating, nor he mine. As time went on those things became not so big of a deal but at only four months in?? Wtf?


Cue eye roll.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On fixing this. 
If a fix is possible.

You need to sit him down and apologize.
Tell him the time frame of your relationship with this other man.

Tell him that he 'once' meant something, does not mean anything now.

If you tell him that he was just a F-buddy, that will not bode well for you, in his mind.
Even if this was the truth.

Tell him that you were young and foolish when you did those things.
Tell him that you have deep feelings for him.

Tell him that you want to move past this.

Honesty answer 'most' of his questions. 
Hold back 'some' of your past. It is none of his business.

If that past is likely to surface again in the future, then own up to it.

*NOTE: The above advice is to win him back, not to deny a women's right to have open and free sexual relationships.
*
How much crow can you eat? 
Is it worth it? 
Is it worth it to maintain a relationship?

To some, and that number growing, sex is sex, is separate from love.
The transition from the 'old' way of thinking, the old way of looking at 'this', to the new/old Bohemian way... is painful.
And will remain painful for the near future.

Good luck!



TRQ-


----------



## Um Excuse Me (Feb 3, 2018)

:scratchhead:


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> He said he couldn't believe I'd send some random explicit pics. He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything,


So women do this as well. I thought only men did it.
Your mistakes, IMO:

1. to send a nude photo to a guy who because he was an FWB, was never going to be important to you in the whole scheme of your life, yet you pretty much sent him a stick of dynamite to ruin your life whenever he wanted, and well, that's what he did.

2. Whether fair or unfair, a lot of men do not like the concept of the FWB or FB. All you had to say was that he was someone that you were dating before you two met. It did not work out and you had broken up with this guy before you met your bf and you don't understand why he is still calling you.

But still, it would be hard to justify that photo that you sent to someone who, by your account, "didn't mean anything to you." Think about what you're saying.

Own what you have done but think about you're saying and how others might interpret it. Having sex with someone who didn't mean anything to you would suggest that you'll have sex with anyone. That doesn't make a guy feel special.

And sending a guy a momento that could you haunt you for the rest of your life, well, that's just stupid.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

We live in messed up world when people think it's perfectly okay to have sex with someone you hardly know, but looking at their phone is off limits. 

Personally, I disagree that you need to explain yourself. 

This is the world we live in, and this is the way many, many people behave. 

He's learned a valuable lesson in that, if he objects to women having a sexual past (of any sort, on any timeline), then he needs to be better at screening _before_ he has sex with someone.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

frusdil said:


> YES!!! This was the first thing I thought when I read OP's post!! He's been dating her for only four MONTHS? How dare he read her messages!
> 
> I never read my husbands messages when we were dating, nor he mine. As time went on those things became not so big of a deal but at only four months in?? Wtf?


Well, I read my husband's e-mails while we were dating. I'm glad I did. Before I wasted more time with him, we got his ancillary so called just a friend ex relationship straightened out. 

If i were dating someone who was getting phone calls and texts all hours of the night, I would want to know why. Does he have international co-workers who are just leaving messages or all these requests for booty calls?

I have decided that one way to avoid a serial cheater is to watch how they act with their phone. If we're exclusive, and I'm special, then what he does when he's not with me should not be a mystery. As I would be an open book with him.

So at 4 months and the OP was hoping that he would be the one ...... and she's hiding her phone when a post midnight text comes in, hmmmmm


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> So at 4 months and the OP was hoping that he would be the one ...... and she's hiding her phone when a post midnight text comes in, hmmmmm


But she didn't hide the phone? It was on the bedside table.

They've only been together for 4 months. It's one thing for him to ask who was texting, a whole other thing for him to pick her phone up and read the message.

To be clear - my husband and I both have full access to everything of the other...just not at 4 months in.


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny.


My GF and I have been in a relationship for four months. We both have access to each other's phones. Not as a specific decision, it just happened.

Maybe this is a generational thing, but sending nude pics of yourself to a guy who didn't mean anything says a lot about character, choices, morals, etc. to a lot of people. Perhaps if I were 25 today I'd see it differently, but from my viewpoint in my 50's this is a huge red flag waving in hurricane force winds for me. I'm not a FWB or FB kind of guy. I know this will come off as high-horse but I have more respect for myself and for women that I know to expect them to answer a booty call from a text. I've had my chances in this area too, it's not hard. Sex with a person means more to me than just a chance to get off, although that was a lesson I had to learn soon after my divorce.

There are a lot of betrayed people here, so keep that in mind. I will say that some of the same people who may bash your bf for looking at your phone and being upset will turn around and tell a BS that their "picker" was broken and that they need to be more careful when choosing someone to be with next time. Take everything you are seeing here for what it is, a lot of different perspectives. 

My GF and I had the "general" talk about past sexual and relationship history early on, and there are no surprises. We are both very transparent because we've been burned in the past. In the future, keep your pics to yourself, be transparent, and treat yourself with respect. Then future good men in your life will also treat you with respect.

Good luck.


----------



## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Its going to be hard to get him back the way you had the relationship before.

One, it should be OK to admit that you had past sexual experiences (dont need to number or name them) and that one of them reached out to you that night randomly (not that he was a random guy.) But it is still like one of those things that a partner KNOWS (that you have been with other people) but dont want any stories or pictures to *make it real.* So you now created images in his head

Two, no man wants a girl that is on many peoples booty call list BUT they all want a women that acts sexual.. if not ****ty, to them in bed. So finding out that he never got certain parts of your sexual past (like getting nude pics) might make him think he is getting less of you sexually


BUT, sending nudes creates these situations... and do you really want a trail of boyfriends having nude images of you... Whats to stop them from posting it on some internet site for your next husband to see (and get subsequently mad that you never sent him nudes but this old guy got them... + just get mad in general)


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Did you guys ever talk about past relationships? 

And were you truthful?

If you haven't yoou can say that was past and your present! I looking foward of sending you some sexy shots just before you get home so we can have a sexy life together.

Yea so I had a fwb . If thats a problem for you then Well maybe we part ways. 

I don't want this to be something you can't get over that will cause resentments. Or thrown in my face or fester under the surface.

I enjoy spending time together and think we might have something but not if this is a problem for you. I can't changer the past ...ball is in your court. 


Then ask him about his past. 


If hes was a virgin or not very experienced then it might really bother him.


If he slept around then hes a hypocrite.


----------



## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

@WorriedGirl1! I'm not entirely on what you communicated to your x? bf. 

When the text came through, did you explain that the guy was an ex-FWB? If all you said was, "it's a guy who didn't mean anything", then your fella could have reasonably thought that you were currently cheating on him. Most healthy people will leave a relationship where the other person is actively cheating. 

I agree with other posters that your best bet right now would be to let him know the true status. If the guy is an ex, say so. Make it clear that you weren't cheating (if this is the true). And then let it go. Your guy will make his own decisions. 

One thing I have learned on TAM is that a partner's sexual past is really big deal to some people, and at least on TAM, you usually (although not always) see this trait with men. This can be a major source of conflict and incompatibility. We've seen marriages that struggle and even end, even long term marriages, when a man finds out that his wife had more partners, or did more sexual acts, than he knew about, even though it all happened back when the wife was young, often before she met and/or married the guy. It is a really freaking big deal to some people. They can't get over it. It is a major difference in values.

In other words: if your potential "One" is the kind of guy who will be repulsed that you're the kind of girl who would have an FWB and send pics, then he is not the One for you after all. You have a serious values mismatch. There are plenty of guys who really won't care about your past, as long as you are faithful to them. Before TAM I hadn't even come across a man who asked or cared about my sexual past, and there are quite a few here who state that they don't care. In the long run, you will be much better off with someone who shares your values in this area.

That said, I'm not so sure that your guys cares as much about the FWB as the possibility of you cheating. A FWB is not a "random guy"- although maybe to him its the same thing? There isn't enough info to know.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

frusdil said:


> But she didn't hide the phone? It was on the bedside table.
> 
> They've only been together for 4 months. It's one thing for him to ask who was texting, a whole other thing for him to pick her phone up and read the message.
> 
> To be clear - my husband and I both have full access to everything of the other...just not at 4 months in.


I started checking my (future) husband's emails around the 7th month of dating. At a time when he wanted us to get together more often. 

4 months may sound like a short amount of time, but then the OP also said he was the one. Or, the timeline in every relationship is a little bit different.


----------



## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

Was your response actually, “someone who doesn’t mean anything”? Or did you go on to explain, “someone from my past”, “I sent that a LONG time ago”?. If you two are serious then consider changing your number. Get a Fresh start, prevent this from happening again. Also it gives boyfriend re assurance that these men from your past no longer have a connection to you. I know you didn’t really do anything wrong in terms of your current relationship but it had to be jarring for your boyfriend to see that coming from another man. He could be on some other infidelity forum right now wondering if his girlfriend is cheating on him. So, Change your number and make sure he knows the complete truth of who you are. Things you did in the past do not define you and you don’t have to feel ashamed of them but if he wants to know, tell him the truth, all of it. If that isn’t who you are anymore, make sure he knows. changing your number may also show him you are cutting ties with any guy you ever sent a pic to or answered a booty call from. And it assures this incident can never be repeated. And always always always tell the truth. If you love him and he loves you, truth is the foundation of what could be a great marriage.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> Well, I read my husband's e-mails while we were dating. I'm glad I did. Before I wasted more time with him, we got his ancillary so called just a friend ex relationship straightened out.
> 
> If i were dating someone who was getting phone calls and texts all hours of the night, I would want to know why. Does he have international co-workers who are just leaving messages or all these requests for booty calls?
> 
> ...


To be fair, it doesn’t sound like she was hiding her phone.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny.


And the boyfriend is thinking, well if she's smashing him and he don't mean jack squat, I wonder where that leaves me.

Hmm, I think I will just exit stage left. We don't sound compatible.


----------



## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> Hi. I just registered because I need some advice. I'm not married (but I hope to be) I hope it's OK to ask for suggestions.
> 
> So I'm pretty sure I have (finally!) met "The One!" We've been a couple for almost four months now and I've never been this happy in a relationship before. He's a handsome, caring, intelligent guy with just the right amount of edge - nothing off the deep end and I love him for that.
> 
> ...


Couple of thoughts come to mind...

First off, we all have a past. See if you can't help your boyfriend realize that you would not be the hot lover you are if you didn't have a past. "Yes, that guy was in the past. You are the fortunate recipient of the benefits of my past experience. Just as I am the lucky girl who gets you with your experience."

But - is it possible, given the explicitness of the text, that your BF now might be thinking you used to do some really hot stuff before, but you haven't been willing with him? This is difficult territory - many of us try things in younger years and decide we don't want to do them again. I'm not actually sure how to address this.

But second - the practice of sending nudes, based on all I've read - usually ends up being used against you if you break up with a person. It's just a bad idea. Heck, I think it's bad enough there are digital photos of me when I was quite heavy, thank goodness there aren't any out there that prove I'm a natural redhead!


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Roselyn said:


> I don't think that your boyfriend wants to continue your relationship anymore. He has pulled away. Let him go. Next time, be discreet in your relationships & respect yourself, by not sending these nude photos nor allow men to use you as a booty call. If you want a serious relationship, respect yourself and build a relationship with a man without these loosely defined relationships. With the next serious guy in your life, let him know what happened in this relationship, so that he is well aware of situations like this. It won't be a surprise to the next man in your life.


This resonates with me, I've been in his shoes. 

It's very disappointing when you learn that someone you've began to build a relationship with, shatters the image you had of them. It's impossible to look at them the same after that. Relationships are like an investment. You only invest in something that you value. You are also betting that it will grow. When you invest in a relationship with another person, you are saying "I value this person" and you are betting this relationship will grow and lead to something life long. Now you find out that this other person was giving themselves away for nothing. Things that are given away for free, don't tend to have much value. 

Your past behavior has demonstrated that you didn't always value yourself. You can't expect him to respect you if you don't respect yourself, past or present. In order for him to stay with you, he must value and respect you. I'm afraid your value, in his eyes, is now much lower. He doesn't respect your past behavior and he has lost respect for you.

Also, how does he know this booty call/FWB was in the past? He could assume it is still on-going, despite anything you would say to him to the contrary. The best coarse of action for you would be to let him go or back off and let him decide if you are worth the investment of time, emotions and trust. 

People, especially young people, need to understand that all of the bad choices we make in our past or present, will have bad consequences in our future.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In the future..

She needs to change her dial-up, hook up number. 
She needs to block all indiscrete EX BF,s on all her social apps.

She needs to cover her trail.
She needs to cover her tail. 

That glaring, bare-blaring tail just below, abuting her coccyx. 

A lusty prikally past is an arrow nocked, strung and ready.
Ready to fly out and shoot ones future.
Ready to shoot an ego that is over-heady.


TRQ-
from The Host's archives.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


Little late for that. Advise the old BF to loose your number like yesterday. At this juncture there may not be anything you can say. Understand your current BF is running mind movies with you as the star and some other guy.


----------



## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

Drop him like a bad habit, and find a guy who's confident in his own skin.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I agree, OP, that from what you wrote here, it's not at all clear whether you actually told your boyfriend that the person who texted you was an ex that you'd stopped seeing before you and he had met. If what you wrote here is actually what you told your boyfriend, then it's entirely possible that what he heard from your comment was that you're still sleeping with other men. 

What you probably should have said was "Oh my God! I am so sorry you had to see that. This message is from an ex. We broke up before you and I met, I haven't had any contact with him in [time frame] and this picture was from well before even that." You might have asked your boyfriend whether he'd prefer you to reply with your firm "no", or just delete the ex from your phone with no response. Then, your boyfriend would have known more clearly what the actual situation was. It would have given him a chance to ask questions and for you two to perhaps have a real conversation. 

If he's willing to talk to you now, have a sit-down conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him you were embarrassed and caught off guard by the incident. Explain, clearly but without too much oversharing, who the random texter is and when you two stopped seeing one another. Be honest. There's nothing shameful about having a sexual past. However, your behavior that night likely signaled to your boyfriend that there was something shameful going on. Being vague and flippant just comes off as shifty and dishonest. It's a big red flag. So, now is the time to find out where your boyfriend stands. If he is bothered by your reaction to this incident, then you may have a chance to work through it. But, if he's bothered by the reality of your past, then he's not the one for you and you two will both be happier in the long run finding more compatible partners. 

By the way, you should have deleted the ex-FWB's number, and possibly blocked him, well before now. In fact, that's a good rule for all exes. Delete their info. You're not together anymore for a reason, so you don't need to contact them. 

Oh, and stop sending nude selfies to folks.


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

WasDecimated said:


> This resonates with me, I've been in his shoes.
> 
> It's very disappointing when you learn that someone you've began to build a relationship with, shatters the image you had of them. It's impossible to look at them the same after that. Relationships are like an investment. You only invest in something that you value. You are also betting that it will grow. When you invest in a relationship with another person, you are saying "I value this person" and you are betting this relationship will grow and lead to something life long. Now you find out that this other person was giving themselves away for nothing. Things that are given away for free, don't tend to have much value.
> 
> ...


This is a great post. How does he know it was in the past? Saying the FWB meant nothing could be interpreted as "I'm seeing you, and it means something, but it is alright to have sex with him too because it doesn't mean anything". This guy texts you for the first time in over four months? Or have you been in contact with him since dating BF? What did you do with him that you haven't/won't do with BF? This is what's going through your BF's mind right now.

I don't think anyone here is saying that a woman can't have a much sex as she wants with as many FB's she wants and send nudes to people who "mean nothing". But with that choice comes the fact that many good men will not respect those choices, especially when they get blindsided as your BF did. No choice is free of consequences, and the unfortunate fact is your past choices have narrowed your potential relationship pool, at least in the near term when you are still in contact with your FWB's. So as someone else said, you need to find someone who won't judge your worth or feel any less respect for you because of the choices you've made. How would you have felt if the BF got a similar text? And for goodness sakes, block all these people when you get into a serious relationship, and forget the orbiting guy friends if you have any. You make think they are just friends but they are hoping for something else, especially since you do FWB/FB.

I have to say, if my GF of four months got a text like that, I would think that she is still screwing the guy. You said that you've been a couple for four months, but what about before that? How long did you know your BF and when did you start dating? Did you have sex with the FWB after you started dating the BF but before you were a couple? BF is thinking this too. There is no doubt that the image he built of you in his mind/heart is shattered. As so many people are saying when you decide to be exclusive with someone more transparency is better so that things like this don't happen.

Lastly, I know it is hard to read some of these responses. I sure hope that you come back. You are young and can have a strong, lasting relationship with a good man that you love. People here can help you get there.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Let him go. He wants to be with a girl who has never been just a booty-call-girl (*hore?) who sends explicit nude photos to men who just want sex.

For the future: Delete all your booty calls from your phone, and block them if you can. The next time you meet "Mr. Special" tell him up front that you used to be a booty-call-girl, before he finds out another way. Then let him decide if he wants to even take a chance with you.

Personally, I wouldn't trust a booty-call-man, unless I met him many years after his behavior had changed, and he had a proven new track record. Plus, with all the diseases out there, I would have him take a STD test before we were ever intimate together.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Well honestly, I think some damage may be done already, and if you want to save this, you're going to have to act fast and be 110% open and honest. I really don't blame your BF for having the reaction that he did, and for being confused and hurt. If it were me, I would go to his home, sit down and have a heart-to-heart with him. He also just may need some space to process this. I just started seeing someone, and honestly, if this happened to me, I would be so hurt, and I know he would be too if a message like that popped up on my phone. And, I wouldn't blame him one bit. Good luck!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you haven't bailed, just know I'm not going to judge you or bash you. But it is his decision as to whether your he wants to continue with you. Just be patient, don't push, and be ready and willing to answer his questions truthfully. In the end you have no control over the outcome. 

In life we make choices. You made a choice to send risqué pics of yourself out into the ether, where unscrupulous men like your ex-FWB can possibly use them for nefarious purposes. This FWB of yours could have forwarded your pics to all his friends. You don't know where they go or who is using them. So... you might want to stop doing that. Taking selfies and texting nudie pics are childish. Childish and silly. 

To me it sounds like you are young and inexperienced, and you are probably too young to be getting married or settling down with a man. 

Stay single. Party. Have sex with lots of men, and get all the childishness out of your system. When you mature enough you'll know it's time to start looking for a life mate.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> This FWB of yours could have forwarded your pics to all his friends. You don't know where they go or who is using them.


This remark does make me wonder what was the point of "sending back" the risque photo to the person who gave it to him.


----------



## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

If you're going to be about that life you have to move smartly. The truth is he probably isn't turned off because you did freaky stuff in the past. It's a recklessness that's projected when you're in a relationship with someone supposedly "the one" but men are texting you nonchalantly about sex. It's a bad look and doesn't speak of respect for yourself or you man.

If you're going to be about that life you have to move smartly.


----------



## Uselessmale (May 20, 2017)

Had situation like that come up after I was engaged. I was told it was none of my business what she did before me. When the shoe got on the other foot it was a different matter. Been married 32 years now and still wonder how mush went on after we started dating. Stuff like that will come back out in time. Resolve it now one way or the other, or you will be where I am mc and on way to the big D.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

It does seem as if the two of you have different views on what sex means, and those differences can be very difficult to overcome.

My wife and I have been together six years now, married for four, and we have similarly different views on what sex means, and there were times that it was almost insurmountable. I think the most difficult time was just a couple of months before the wedding when I found out that my now wife had continued as a booty and bj call for her druggie, abusive, cheating ex husband for the few years after her divorce, right up until we started dating. This fundamentally changed how I view her and relate to her sexually. I found out by a comment one of her friends made on her Facebook page, and when I asked about it, the first thing she said, presumably to help, when in fact was possibly the worst thing she could say, was "It was just sex and didn't mean anything."


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Uselessmale said:


> Had situation like that come up after I was engaged. I was told it was none of my business what she did before me.


Yes and no.

It may not be any of your business what she did prior to to you, but it is 1000% your business that she is not willing to be open and honest with you.

In that case, NEXT!

And this absolutely goes both ways.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Let me echo what may be the whole crux issue here... even if he can be okay with you having a past, how can he know it’s really in the past?

The evidence is pretty damning from his POV. You say you’ve been with him for four months... then you get this booty call text. People don’t generally call up for a **** session with someone they haven’t seen in 4 months.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I agree, OP, that from what you wrote here, it's not at all clear whether you actually told your boyfriend that the person who texted you was an ex that you'd stopped seeing before you and he had met. If what you wrote here is actually what you told your boyfriend, then it's entirely possible that what he heard from your comment was that you're still sleeping with other men.
> 
> What you probably should have said was "Oh my God! I am so sorry you had to see that. This message is from an ex. We broke up before you and I met, I haven't had any contact with him in [time frame] and this picture was from well before even that." You might have asked your boyfriend whether he'd prefer you to reply with your firm "no", or just delete the ex from your phone with no response. Then, your boyfriend would have known more clearly what the actual situation was. It would have given him a chance to ask questions and for you two to perhaps have a real conversation.
> 
> ...


QFT. Game, set, match. Read this OP and you have what you need.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, I guess he's not "the one..."

Just a bit of advice. Make sure that your ex's are blocked from all means of contacting you before you start up another relationship.
Open communication with ex's sends a very poor message to the person you're currently dating.
You may have been a model gf, but your ex just threw a giant wrench into your future plans.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> People don’t generally call up for a **** session with someone they haven’t seen in 4 months.


Sure they do. Years even...


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Sure they do. Years even...


Different strokes I guess.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti-


> People don’t generally call up for a **** session with someone they haven’t seen in 4 months.





minimalME said:


> Sure they do. Years even...



They do if they left on good terms. :smile2:

The terms? A wink and a promise. :surprise:

A future promise to pick up again, sometime later., 
To resume.
To assume the prone positions.
To pick up at the last wink, the last quick dip, dunk, dink! :grin2:


TRQ-
The Host, Just Sayin'.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


Soooo... nothing, I just wanted to write sooooo in a sentence.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny.


The deal is that most guys don't have a problem with women being sexual *with guys who DO mean something*.

It's when they do it with guys who *don't mean anything* that often causes a problem.

He wants what he has with you to be special not just something that "guy's who don't mean anything" do with you as well.

I'm not saying that this is right or wrong. It's just how it IS.

So, you accidentally shot yourself in the foot by saying that the texter was unimportant.

Now that you know where you went wrong..................


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

TJW said:


> my suggestion is that you make sure this subject "comes up" .... and, do not "spin" nor "sugar coat" your prior relationship to this other man. He was a man who was close to you in the past. This is why you sent him explicit pictures, not because he was "random".... and, your expression should include that you REGRET having allowed yourself to be close to that man, and you REGRET having sent pictures of yourself to him. You cannot "undo" this action, however, you can re-assure your current BF that your intent from this day forward is to have an exclusive relationship with him, and him only.


This


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


It is all up to your bf at this point. 

There ready isn’t much you can do. He is thinking why and how many of these pics has she sent out. Also she sent it to someone that meant nothing to her. 

He is trying to figure out who you are. The image he had of you was destroyed with the text. He doesn’t know who you are anymore.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> It does seem as if the two of you have different views on what sex means, and those differences can be very difficult to overcome.
> 
> My wife and I have been together six years now, married for four, and we have similarly different views on what sex means, and there were times that it was almost insurmountable. I think the most difficult time was just a couple of months before the wedding when I found out that my now wife had continued as a booty and bj call for her druggie, abusive, cheating ex husband for the few years after her divorce, right up until we started dating. This fundamentally changed how I view her and relate to her sexually. I found out by a comment one of her friends made on her Facebook page, and when I asked about it, the first thing she said, presumably to help, when in fact was possibly the worst thing she could say, was *"It was just sex and didn't mean anything.*"


Said to someone that probably places sex at the top of list.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> Hi. I just registered because I need some advice. I'm not married (but I hope to be) I hope it's OK to ask for suggestions.
> 
> So I'm pretty sure I have (finally!) met "The One!" We've been a couple for almost four months now and I've never been this happy in a relationship before. He's a handsome, caring, intelligent guy with just the right amount of edge - nothing off the deep end and I love him for that.
> 
> ...


Well you are going to need to explain it fully, and then see if he can deal. Some people are cool with having picks out there some are not. He may be worried that they will show up later or his friends will find them out there or whatever. He also may think you are lying to him. Honestly it's possible that even though you like this guy you both are just too different. It's better you find out now then later. The truth is if you don't feel the same way about this, YOU DON'T WANT HIM.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


Please stop. This is a terrible way to think and a terrible mating strategy. We all are the some of all the things we do. Accept it, you can say it was a mistake if you really feel that way, but don't change and suddenly change your morals to fit someone you are dating. That never works, and you only hurt yourself. Be who you are truthfully with who you date because you will have a better honest relationship. If it was a mistake say so, but if he can't handle it then you DON'T want him, trust me. If you are the type of girl who thinks it's fun to send sexy even x-rated photos embrace it, there are lots of men who will like that too. Point is don't try to be someone you are not to get someone to be with you. In the end they will find out and resent you or you will resent having to fake it eventually.

It's a big full world out there, with lots of guys, it's very possible this guy just isn't the right one. That's OK, let them see the real you so they can love the real you.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> a lot of men do not like the concept of the FWB or FB.


A lot more don't like it when it's not them. Lets be real here.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Women classify men into 3 catagories - Men they will have sex with; "just friends"; and "No way!"


Men classify women into 2 catagories - FWB/FB/chicks to take home from the bar; and potential GF or wife. 


You were seeing this guy for a few months and perhaps he saw you as potential GF/W material. 

When he saw you get an overt booty call txt from some dude in the middle of the night along with a nude pic (that he had obviously gotten from you) and you said that it was some guy you used to bang that meant nothing - That automatically put you in the Booty Call/FWB/FB category. 

Since he has already had sex with you a number of times and doesn't see you as GF/W potential anymore, there really isn't much reason for him to pursue the relationship any further. There is a good chance he is gone. 

You may get a booty call from him at some point when he is drunk and horny and he isn't getting anywhere with any other chicks that night, but other than that I wouldn't hold my breath for anything more. 

This was a bad break but it is one of the risks that people take living a booty call/FWB/FB lifestyle - especially with pictures involved. That may not be fair or just, but much of life isn't really fair. 

I'm not pointing fingers or judging. I've had a number of booty call/FWBs over the years myself; some of which lasted years and some of which would result in phone calls and fishing expeditions years later. I'm not judging, I'm just acknowledging fact - a lot of people (men and women) won't consider someone serious mate material if they were recently engaged in a booty call/FWB/FB arrangement.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> A lot more don't like it when it's not them. Lets be real here.


Never had a FWB/FB, never will. Many other men think the same way, so yes, let's absolutely be real here.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> Men classify women into 2 catagories - FWB/FB/chicks to take home from the bar; and potential GF or wife.
> 
> a lot of people (men and women) won't consider someone serious mate material if they were recently engaged in a booty call/FWB/FB arrangement.


Yep, nailed that first one perfectly. Anything with a pulse. Not even close. There's also the no category. The NO! category. The HELL NO category. And finally the "Not even with your **** for a joke" category.

As for myself, I wouldn't date them if they were *EVER* engaged in a booty call/FWB/FB ARRANGEMENT. Automatic deal breaker for me!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rowan said:


> I agree, OP, that from what you wrote here, it's not at all clear whether you actually told your boyfriend that the person who texted you was an ex that you'd stopped seeing before you and he had met. If what you wrote here is actually what you told your boyfriend, then it's entirely possible that what he heard from your comment was that you're still sleeping with other men.
> 
> What you probably should have said was "Oh my God! I am so sorry you had to see that. This message is from an ex. We broke up before you and I met, I haven't had any contact with him in [time frame] and this picture was from well before even that." You might have asked your boyfriend whether he'd prefer you to reply with your firm "no", or just delete the ex from your phone with no response. Then, your boyfriend would have known more clearly what the actual situation was. It would have given him a chance to ask questions and for you two to perhaps have a real conversation.
> 
> If he's willing to talk to you now, have a sit-down conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him you were embarrassed and caught off guard by the incident. Explain, clearly but without too much oversharing, who the random texter is and when you two stopped seeing one another. Be honest. There's nothing shameful about having a sexual past. However, your behavior that night likely signaled to your boyfriend that there was something shameful going on. Being vague and flippant just comes off as shifty and dishonest. It's a big red flag. So, now is the time to find out where your boyfriend stands. If he is bothered by your reaction to this incident, then you may have a chance to work through it. But, if he's bothered by the reality of your past, then he's not the one for you and you two will both be happier in the long run finding more compatible partners.


I get your point, but if I was in the BF's shoes, if she started trying to tell me this was some kind of "ex" and some prior relationship that had broken up, I'd think she was peeing on my boots and telling me I'm standing in the rain. 

If someone is sending you a blatant, overtly sexual "c'mon-over-for-a-late-night-romp" in the middle of the night along with your naked picture, that is NOT an ex BF. 

That is clearly a booty call from someone who sincerely believes that the door is wide open for him to make a mid-night invitation and it is equally clear by his demeanor that this is something that has been taking place for some time. 

There really is no sugar coating or white washing this here. There is no denying it was a booty call from some dude that felt he has a free pass to contact her for sex at any time of the day or night. that is clearly no ex that has been dumped. 

No matter what comes out of her mouth, no halfway sensible guy is going to think it is an old ex boyfriend from a serious relationship that has ended. Any guy with an ounce of brains would have to assume that message is from an established FWB/FB that has a free pass to call any time. 

Trying to pass it off as anything else will just make her look like a lier and a manipulator in addition to whatever else he may think of her as.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Windwalker said:


> Never had a FWB/FB, never will. Many other men think the same way, so yes, let's absolutely be real here.


I didn't either in fact if you read my post I often defend guys and girls like us, so you and I are on the same page. But lets not pretend in today's day and age that we are not in the minority. Most guys strive to live this lifestyle they want to be Mick Jagger and think there is something wrong with guys like us. So forgive me if reading guys on here who act like we were crazy and then in the next breath act all incredulous that this women acting just like they did, is just TOO much for me to take. Who are all these guys having ONS with if not women like OP. 

Where you really run into problems is when someone like us marries someone like OP. It doesn't work because we fundamentally think about sex differently. But it takes a lot of chutzpah to live that life but be upset that your partner did too. Anyone whose partner is like this (judging them for a lifestyle that they themselves lived) would be better off with someone else.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Whao WTF guys... slow down... no way should OP let her BF go over such a misunderstanding!!! Nothing wrong with FWBs either!!!

This must be devastating for him though, he must have thought you cheated.

You CAN and SHOULD work on this! I haven't read the thread yet fully but... I have to say I disagree with some of the responses so far


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


So in other words, you want advice on how to BS him??


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I didn't either in fact if you read my post I often defend guys and girls like us, so you and I are on the same page. But lets not pretend in today's day and age that we are not in the minority. Most guys strive to live this lifestyle they want to be Mick Jagger and *think there is something wrong with guys like us.* So forgive me if reading guys on here who act like we were crazy and then in the next breath act all incredulous that this women acting just like they did, is just TOO much for me to take. Who are all these guys having ONS with if not women like OP.
> 
> *Where you really run into problems is when someone like us marries someone like OP.* It doesn't work because we fundamentally think about sex differently. But it takes a lot of chutzpah to live that life but be upset that your partner did too. Anyone whose partner is like this (judging them for a lifestyle that they themselves lived) would be better off with someone else.


This is so true. With the GF, we are a perfect match in this area. I waved off crazy shortly after divorce because she wanted a FWB/FB situation. We had a weekend together and afterward she really wanted to be my on-call booty buddy. But it was a bad fit for me, it just didn't feel right. She didn't understand even though I tried to explain it. And you know how long I went without getting any, so I feel strongly about it. I don't see any situation where I could personally be in a serious relationship with someone who was a FWB/FB with anyone, at least in the recent past. But you're right, we are in the minority as guys.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Fk me dead, I'm surprised at the responses here.

She had a FWB what's wrong with that? It was with a FWB, casual sex with friendship, it's great and hell I love it! But what makes you think a FWB can't be girlfriend or marriage material? Bah! No one should be shamed for it!

As for the misunderstanding it is serious as fk sure, but I don't see that he's snooping, he just reached over to pick up her phone and if that message was fresh on the screen what do you think is going to happen?



WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


It's very difficult right now because your relationship is still very new and this incident is... messed up. You need to proceed very carefully but you need to make sure you are 100% HONEST about it.

Have you ever done anything to break his trust so far? Or is it still 100%? It CAN still be 100%, you CAN fix this. And if you are able, you SHOULD.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Whao WTF guys... slow down... no way should OP let her BF go over such a misunderstanding!!! Nothing wrong with FWBs either!!!
> 
> This must be devastating for him though, he must have thought you cheated.
> 
> You CAN and SHOULD work on this! I haven't read the thread yet fully but... I have to say I disagree with some of the responses so far


She has the right to explain that she wasn't cheating. 

But other than that, I don't think there is any misunderstanding here. 

I don't think the BF has a lack of information or understanding. 

He clearly saw that she had an invitation for a booty call from someone who she had hooked up freely in the past and he would have to be completely naïve or dense to think that the booty call guy did not have a free pass and open invitation to do so whenever he felt the whim. (even if she considered him in the past and a nonissue now)

The BF has free will and can date and become involved with who he wants and he can also choose to not become involved with who he does not want. 

It obviously cooled his jets and he no longer sees her in the same light. 

This is sad and unfortunate and too bad this event took this turn of events. 

There is nothing inherently wrong or evil about consenting adults having FWB/FBs/booty calls. But that doesn't mean that everyone is going to want to get involved with someone who is getting booty calls with nakey pictures from various guys in the middle of the night. 

The BF did not malign her or call her names or disparage her lifestyle choices. 

He may decide that the past is the past and come back around. Or he may decide she is not the one for him and move on. 

Either way it is his choice. 

She has the right to have as many FWBs and booty calls as she wants. 

And he has the right to not further pursue a relationship with her if he doesn't want to.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Well, I know that if my boyfriend of 4 months got a text like that from another woman, I'd be OUT.

If he hadn't taken the time to shut that **** down before a text like that happened, no way.


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Well, I know that if my boyfriend of 4 months got a text like that from another woman, I'd be OUT.
> 
> If he hadn't taken the time to shut that **** down before a text like that happened, no way.


And if my GF of 4 months got a text like that, ditto.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Cromer said:


> This is so true. With the GF, we are a perfect match in this area. I waved off crazy shortly after divorce because she wanted a FWB/FB situation. We had a weekend together and afterward she really wanted to be my on-call booty buddy. But it was a bad fit for me, it just didn't feel right. She didn't understand even though I tried to explain it. And you know how long I went without getting any, so I feel strongly about it. I don't see any situation where I could personally be in a serious relationship with someone who was a FWB/FB with anyone, at least in the recent past. But you're right, we are in the minority as guys.


I dated so many chicks who would not last more then 2 dates because I didn't want to sleep with them before I was in love with them. Every time it sucked. I remember the weird looks I would get when I said I needed to wait. I would hear tons of **** from some guy friends that I was crazy. So I got no problem with guys and girls wanting to be with someone with a low count. Hell I have defended the husband on the thread about lying about sex count because he is inexperienced in bed, when half the guys in here are ripping on him as a dud. 

But the truth is there really is a sexist element in this and it's just too much. I seriously have no problem with people living the hook up lifestyle if that is what you want, but just don't put others down if that is not for them. And guys need to stop putting women down who live the exact same lifestyle they do. That is just rank hypocrisy at it's worst. Besides who are you going to sleep with if not women who want to hook up too.

In this case maybe this guy is like us, and if that is the case then to @Windwalker point someone who has a FWB relationship, especially if they presented themselves differently is just not a good fit. And it good for HER as well as him that it came out in the open. Also maybe he thinks she is cheating, or the pictures are too much for him. But if this is just he want to hookup with lots of chicks but marry a virgin than that **** is week. I hope the virgin marries someone who thinks exactly like she does about sex because she will have a better marriage. And actually he will have a better one too. 

People need to get over the whole Madonna/***** thing all it does is leave people unhappy.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> Fk me dead, I'm surprised at the responses here.
> 
> She had a FWB what's wrong with that? It was with a FWB, casual sex with friendship, it's great and hell I love it! But what makes you think a FWB can't be girlfriend or marriage material? Bah! No one should be shamed for it!
> 
> .


I don't think anyone is shaming her. 

From what she has said, even the BF didn't get down on her or malign or disparage her in any way. It sounds like he simply has lost a lot of interest and is kind of doing an exit stage-left. 

Some of guys here have pretty strongly stated their stance that they would not choose to become seriously involved with someone who does booty calls/FWBs etc. But I don't think anyone has stated that she doesn't have the right to do as she wishes. 

People have the right to do whatever they want with their sexuality (assuming with a consenting adult of course) 

But people also have the right to not date/become involved with/marry who they do not want. 

One can have all the FWBs they want. But they must also accept that with that will come a risk that there will be some people that will not wish to become involved with them. 

I had a number of FWBs back in the day and my wife and I started out as FWBs so I do not have any moral or ethical objections to FWBs. But I also have to accept the fact that there will be people that would not become involved with me or date or sleep with me knowing that I was involved in that kind of lifestyle. 

It's risk vs benefit and a pro vs con kind of thing.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Men classify women into 2 catagories - FWB/FB/chicks to take home from the bar; and potential GF or wife.


Too complex. Let me fix this.

Women go into two categories: ones that you have had sex with and ones you have not had sex with *YET*




oldshirt said:


> When he saw you get an overt booty call txt from some dude in the middle of the night along with a nude pic (that he had obviously gotten from you) and you said that it was some guy you used to bang that meant nothing - That automatically put you in the Booty Call/FWB/FB category.
> 
> Since he has already had sex with you a number of times and doesn't see you as GF/W potential anymore, there really isn't much reason for him to pursue the relationship any further. There is a good chance he is gone.
> 
> ...


This is right on target.

It's either this or he thinks you are cheating (notice how I didn't say *WERE*?).


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Here's the booty call anthem:


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some men, but certainly not all

Long ago I had a good friend who became a FWB - and we stayed friends. She was someone who I knew had had a lot of sexual partners. We didn't end up in a long term relationship but only because we had a different idea of futures - basically she wanted children and I didn't. No harm, no foul, we ended things when she found someone more aligned with her desired lifestyle. We stayed and still are friends.

If it hadn't been for our wanting different futures, I could well have married her. We got along great together AND had great sex. Win! Her sexually active past would not have concerned me at all.








oldshirt said:


> Women classify men into 3 catagories - Men they will have sex with; "just friends"; and "No way!"
> 
> 
> Men classify women into 2 catagories - FWB/FB/chicks to take home from the bar; and potential GF or wife.
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I am always surprised by how many people are bothered by this sort of behavior. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest - as long as everyone is on the same page, then I think casual sex is fine. Sending nude pictures is fine. Home sex videos, even posted to the internet are fine. 

I would want that to stop once I was in an exclusive relationship, but if I were falling in love with someone I would trust them to tell me the truth about this unless there was incontrovertible evidence to the contrary. 

I have no objection of any sort to the OP's behavior, and hope she comes back.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> But I really don't want to let him go!!!! That was me before I met him and I am not like that now. I would never send nudes ever again!! I just want some constructive advice on how to behave NOW and what to say and do so that we don't break up!!


Then don't let him go. Give it your all in the face of whatever adversity you face - even if it's from him.

The first thing you need to do is explain what happened. A general "He's a nobody" is not going to cut it. Evidently, he is someone. Hence him having a nude photo of you. Explain everything about what happened, who he is, why he has the photo, and what you're going to do (block the booty calls number, never send nudes to anyone but your bf, etc). Assure to him (*and demonstrate with evidence*) that you're not sending nudes to random dudes, and have not been since meeting him. Give him open access to your phone, and let him know that he can look at it, or check it, whenever he wants. Install a GPS tracking app on your phone (I use Family 360, or something like that) so he can see where you are at all times. Create total transparency, it will encourage trust.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

sokillme said:


> I didn't either in fact if you read my post I often defend guys and girls like us, so you and I are on the same page. But lets not pretend in today's day and age that we are not in the minority. Most guys strive to live this lifestyle they want to be Mick Jagger and think there is something wrong with guys like us. So forgive me if reading guys on here who act like we were crazy and then in the next breath act all incredulous that this women acting just like they did, is just TOO much for me to take. Who are all these guys having ONS with if not women like OP.
> 
> Where you really run into problems is when someone like us marries someone like OP. It doesn't work because we fundamentally think about sex differently. But it takes a lot of chutzpah to live that life but be upset that your partner did too. Anyone whose partner is like this (judging them for a lifestyle that they themselves lived) would be better off with someone else.


Not sweating it man. I just kind of bristle at the implication that all men would **** a snake if they could find someone to hold it for them. I am also sadly well aware that we are in fact a minority. Just a sad fact of the society we live in. I have always been very consistent in my statements regarding my thoughts on this situation. I have a number, and I DON'T expect a woman to have 0, but it sure won't be 10 times mine either. 

The hypocrisy of some people is astounding, but unfortunately, quite common. I can't fathom the mental gymnastics that it takes to justify the position you describe. Make no mistake though, we have both seen it.

I don't care what someone does with their body. It's their body. Hell they can carry coal in their body cavities for all I care, I just want the the relevant information to avoid the coal dust if at all possible.

So no, we are on the same page on both subjects.
Peace brother.


As for the OP, her ex has all the decision power on if he wants to continue a relationship with her. That's just something she is going to have to accept.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

To me it sounds like this is a case of retroactive jealousy. He said he couldn't believe you sent someone pics like that which implies you never sent him pics like that. He may be feeling that you were more passionate with this FWB and did more with him. He also may be upset because he didn't know you were that "type of girl". I don't think you did anything wrong at all. Just trying to give you some insight into what he is probably thinking. With that said it doesn't sound like he is the guy for you.

The only other thing I will say is be the real you with the next guy. Don't hold back. Lots of guys have zero issues being with a girl that would send them nude pics. In fact I would venture to say most guys would love it! I don't see this as a moral issue at all. Some may think sending nudes speaks to person's character but I don't. I actually think its kind of fun, and a part of foreplay in a healthy sexual relationship.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I get your point, but if I was in the BF's shoes, if she started trying to tell me this was some kind of "ex" and some prior relationship that had broken up, I'd think she was peeing on my boots and telling me I'm standing in the rain.
> 
> I*f someone is sending you a blatant, overtly sexual "c'mon-over-for-a-late-night-romp" in the middle of the night along with your naked picture, that is NOT an ex BF.
> 
> ...



You'd think that, wouldn't you? I, too, used to assumed the same. However, my ex-husband pulled a similar stunt several months after our divorce was final. And, let me be clear, he and I had not shared a sexual relationship since I had immediately filed for divorce upon discovering his long history of serial cheating. I had never once since I'd moved out initiated any contact with him at all that was not directly related to either the final details of the settlement or our son. He could not possibly have had any reasonable expectation that the "door was wide open for him to make a mid-night invitation". And, yet, there I was in the wee hours, in my own bed in my own home, looking at a booty-call text from my ex-husband of 8 months. He was drunk, clearly horny, and still mad at me for "destroying our family" by divorcing him. No nude pics accompanied that message, because I don't take or send nudes - to anyone, ever. But yep, I've gotten the late night booty call from a real-relationship ex who had no reason - other than his own fantasies - to imagine I'd respond favorably to such.

I understand that's likely not the norm, and that's apparently not what happened in the OP's situation as she describes the guy as an ex-FWB, but it does actually happen. Some men really are that deluded as to their ex-whatever's (even their ex-wife's) continued interest in what they clearly believe to be their magic ****.


----------



## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

4 months and touching my phone? Hell no.
Ive landsharked women at 4 months, but if she touches my phone? Hell no. Its off.




(eyeroll)


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I understand that's likely not the norm, and that's apparently not what happened in the OP's situation as she describes the guy as an ex-FWB, but it does actually happen. Some men really are that deluded as to their ex-whatever's (even their ex-wife's) continued interest in what they clearly believe to be their magic ****.


I can't speak for others but for me it kind of is the norm. At least in my FWB situations things are pretty darn casual. Its not like you have a formal break up, and even if one or both parties in a FWB situation do move on into a relationship, its not uncommon for a former FWB to check in a few months later with a sexy text to see if you are back on the market or not. In the FWB situations I was in, its not uncommon for you to hang out again if you're both between relationships. You already are comfortable with each other, so why bother going out looking for a new FWB and potentially adding drama to your life when you can check with an old FWB first. Chances are if they are single too, and things ended well, you can pick up right where things left off. Or sometimes its even just a one time thing. I think this guy was just checking in. I don't see it as a situation where he would badger her if she wasn't interested.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> I can't speak for others but for me it kind of is the norm. At least in my FWB situations things are pretty darn casual. Its not like you have a formal break up, and even if one or both parties in a FWB situation do move on into a relationship, its not uncommon for a former FWB to check in a few months later with a sexy text to see if you are back on the market or not. In the FWB situations I was in, its not uncommon for you to hang out again if you're both between relationships. You already are comfortable with each other, so why bother going out looking for a new FWB and potentially adding drama to your life when you can check with an old FWB first. Chances are if they are single too, and things ended well, you can pick up right where things left off. Or sometimes its even just a one time thing. I think this guy was just checking in. I don't see it as a situation where he would badger her if she wasn't interested.


I think this describes, almost to a tee the difference in mindset when it comes to the meaning of sex to different people. For some it no different that picking up the phone and seeing if your friend wants to go on a bike ride, or go see a movie. For others it is more complicated.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I think this describes, almost to a tee the difference in mindset when it comes to the meaning of sex to different people. For some it no different that picking up the phone and seeing if your friend wants to go on a bike ride, or go see a movie. For others it is more complicated.


You nailed it. It's a mindset, and one that for the largest set of circumstances, is incompatible.

It seems that for the most part people are in one of 3 camps. Those that totally ok with it, those that could be ok with it, and those who are not ok with it.

It being FWB.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I think this describes, almost to a tee the difference in mindset when it comes to the meaning of sex to different people. For some it no different that picking up the phone and seeing if your friend wants to go on a bike ride, or go see a movie. For others it is more complicated.





Windwalker said:


> You nailed it. It's a mindset, and one that for the largest set of circumstances, is incompatible.
> 
> It seems that for the most part people are in one of 3 camps. Those that totally ok with it, those that could be ok with it, and those who are not ok with it.
> 
> It being FWB.


Exactly correct.

It’s not a judgement thing — it’s an incompatibility thing.

Also, the pic issue sort of highlights the potential for someone that’s just an absolute ********* to sort of weaponize something that was intended to be private (by way of harassment, revenge porn, etc). Not necessarily _intimate_ (which may be a huge part of the problem for OP’s BF), but _at least_ private.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> ... At least in my FWB situations things are pretty darn casual. Its not like you have a formal break up, and even if one or both parties in a FWB situation do move on into a relationship, its not uncommon for a former FWB to check in a few months later with a sexy text to see if you are back on the market or not. In the FWB situations I was in, its not uncommon for you to hang out again if you're both between relationships. You already are comfortable with each other, so why bother going out looking for a new FWB and potentially adding drama to your life when you can check with an old FWB first. ...


This has been my experience, too. I had a long term FWB, who got into a couple of potentially serious relationships, so we ended our arrangement. When those didn't work out, we resumed our relationship - we'd always stayed platonic friends even when she was in another relationship, but usually only saw each other as couples.

We view sex as fun and recreational, AND special with a special person, also. For us, casual sex doesn't require love to enjoy, but serious relationships add that delightful aspect.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> ...I can't help but think if this post were written by a man, he'd be hearing all about how stupid he is for not having cut off his FWB relationship once this relationship became serious and that the girlfriend was a nosy witch for having the nerve to read HIS texts on HIS phone. Gotta love the hypocrisy....


Um, you do not have to think that way. I would make the same judgement for either gender.

The OP did not do the right thing, in the very least in making sure there was no overlap in the men in her life. And better still, not doing what she had done if she wanted to be taken seriously by someone looking for a life partner.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She bailed .


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

michzz said:


> Um, you do not have to think that way. I would make the same judgement for either gender.
> 
> The OP did not do the right thing, in the very least in making sure there was no overlap in the men in her life. And better still, not doing what she had done if she wanted to be taken seriously by someone looking for a life partner.


And for me, if something damaging pops up due to my decisions and actions in the past, that's on me. It's not someone else fault that they found out, regardless of how or why they found out. Those were my decisions and actions, those are reality, and no amount of wishing, hoping, denial or regret can change it. I have to own it, and accept and deal with the consequences.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> She bailed .


Can't say I blame her. The initial responses were kind of insensitive and implied that she had poor morals. I don't know how old she is..but nude pics just aren't a big deal anymore, especially to the younger folks. I know that is concerning to many, but I don't see it changing ever at this point. 

I think the responses kind of missed the point of what the OP was asking. She wasn't looking to change who she is sexually. She wanted to know why her boyfriend felt the way he did, and what if anything she could do to get him back. But she kind of got bashed....not pandering by saying this but I feel bad for women. If they aren't sexual enough men complain about what they won't do..if they are sexual then she must be avoided, and we get sensitive about what she did, and how many, etc.. How does one navigate that?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> bandit.45 said:
> 
> 
> > She bailed .
> ...


I think the OP did get good responses. Lots of people had suggestions about the kind of detailed heart to heart talk she could have with the boyfriend that explained the situation more than she did with him initially. 

Responses also gave good insight into the fact that he might not be comfortable moving forward with her due to the fact that she is the type of person who has sent sex pics to a sexual partner and has FBs. Not everyone is comfortable with that.

I'm female. I didn't take any of it as bashing someone who is sexual. Just highlighting that the KIND of sexuality of someone might not work for a particular partner. I'm very sexual. But in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. Honestly, I'd never have a FB/FWB. Not all "sexual" women have FB/FWB arrangements. Maybe OPs boyfriend doesn't want to be with sometime who has. That's not wrong.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Livvie said:


> I think the OP did get good responses. Lots of people had suggestions about the kind of detailed heart to heart talk she could have with the boyfriend that explained the situation more than she did with him initially.
> 
> Responses also gave good insight into the fact that he might not be comfortable moving forward with her due to the fact that she is the type of person who has sent sex pics to a sexual partner and has FBs. Not everyone is comfortable with that.
> 
> I'm female. I didn't take any of it as bashing someone who is sexual. Just highlighting that the KIND of sexuality of someone might not work for a particular partner. I'm very sexual. But in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. Honestly, I'd never have a FB/FWB. Not all "sexual" women have FB/FWB arrangements. Maybe OPs boyfriend doesn't want to be with sometime who has. That's not wrong.


Thank you. It is important to reiterate that being highly sexual need not be synonymous with FWB/FB/casual sex/exhibitionism. There are many of us who are exceedingly sexual, but choose to reserve that intense sexuality for a committed relationship. 

We can also acknowledge such a mismatch without judgment or shaming. It’s just a mismatch, nothing more.


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> Hi. I just registered because I need some advice. I'm not married (but I hope to be) I hope it's OK to ask for suggestions.
> 
> So I'm pretty sure I have (finally!) met "The One!" We've been a couple for almost four months now and I've never been this happy in a relationship before. He's a handsome, caring, intelligent guy with just the right amount of edge - nothing off the deep end and I love him for that.
> 
> ...


You're not who he thought you were. Let him know that that isn't you anymore. Let him know that you understand that it was wrong to be that way and you've learned from it. Otherwise all he can believe is that this is who you still are.


----------



## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Can't say I blame her. The initial responses were kind of insensitive and implied that she had poor morals. I don't know how old she is..but nude pics just aren't a big deal anymore, especially to the younger folks. I know that is concerning to many, but I don't see it changing ever at this point.
> 
> I think the responses kind of missed the point of what the OP was asking. She wasn't looking to change who she is sexually. She wanted to know why her boyfriend felt the way he did, and what if anything she could do to get him back. But she kind of got bashed....not pandering by saying this but I feel bad for women. If they aren't sexual enough men complain about what they won't do..if they are sexual then she must be avoided, and we get sensitive about what she did, and how many, etc.. How does one navigate that?


No one, which was a happy surprise, "bashed" her for being "sexual".

Women can be as "sexual" as they want to be and no one was telling her otherwise. But that doesn't mean that others are compelled to agree with her and not care about it. 

However, it's a good idea for women to know how some men might react to a similar situation so that they can make informed decisions about their choices (and, by all means, feel free to discard someone who sees your behavior in a bad light). But, she didn't want to get rid of him and she didn't understand his reaction. In the future, she will. That's a good thing.

You can go into an important business meeting with people from another culture and act exactly as you always do (because, hey, there's nothing wrong with that!), but it doesn't mean that the people you're meeting with are going to respond to you the same way your buddies would.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> Can't say I blame her. The initial responses were kind of insensitive and implied that she had poor morals. I don't know how old she is..but nude pics just aren't a big deal anymore, especially to the younger folks. I know that is concerning to many, but I don't see it changing ever at this point.
> 
> I think the responses kind of missed the point of what the OP was asking. She wasn't looking to change who she is sexually. She wanted to know why her boyfriend felt the way he did, and what if anything she could do to get him back. But she kind of got bashed....not pandering by saying this but I feel bad for women. If they aren't sexual enough men complain about what they won't do..if they are sexual then she must be avoided, and we get sensitive about what she did, and how many, etc.. How does one navigate that?


Good grief, I don't know where to even start tearing this apart.

To start with, the biggest part of the responses were rather straightforward and mostly pointed towards the fact that he may be thinking he's playing swap with some other dude.

The whole implication of morals thing doesn't even register for the simple reason that most everyone has slightly different views on exactly what constitutes poor morals.

Nude pics are no big deal. In your world and many others, but not in mine and many others. While they may not be a big deal to the younger generation, and for the record I have 3 children of my own, it doesn't mean I have to condone that kind of behavior nor even respect it. Yes, that most certainly includes from my own children.

Next, she doesn't get any say in how he reacts nor does she get a say in the fact that that he may not want to carry on any kind of relationship with her. Last I checked the two people in the relationship each have an opinion and decisions on how to live their lives. As far as suggestions for her, she got plenty, and the most reoccurring theme was that he probably thought she was banging multiple guys at the same time and that she should explain herself instead of a lame ass, "he's nobody".

And lastly, stop with the pity party of "poor poor judged wiminz". A person has the right to do as they wish. This goes for both sexes. They do however need to be cognizant of the repercussions of their actions. This is a pretty simple concept. There is no navigation needed. Be ready to own your **** and know that your actions are what brought about the situation. It's really pretty damned simple.

I also echo Liv views. I'm very sexual, but it's all within the context of a committed long-term relationship. I can, will, and do bring the heat when I so chose, but **** buddies are not for me.

In the end, this opinion means as much as yours.
Zilch!


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Livvie said:


> I think the OP did get good responses. Lots of people had suggestions about the kind of detailed heart to heart talk she could have with the boyfriend that explained the situation more than she did with him initially.
> 
> Responses also gave good insight into the fact that he might not be comfortable moving forward with her due to the fact that she is the type of person who has sent sex pics to a sexual partner and has FBs. Not everyone is comfortable with that.
> 
> I'm female. I didn't take any of it as bashing someone who is sexual. Just highlighting that the KIND of sexuality of someone might not work for a particular partner. I'm very sexual. But in the context of a committed, monogamous relationship. Honestly, I'd never have a FB/FWB. Not all "sexual" women have FB/FWB arrangements. Maybe OPs boyfriend doesn't want to be with sometime who has. That's not wrong.





Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Thank you. It is important to reiterate that being highly sexual need not be synonymous with FWB/FB/casual sex/exhibitionism. There are many of us who are exceedingly sexual, but choose to reserve that intense sexuality for a committed relationship.
> 
> We can also acknowledge such a mismatch without judgment or shaming. It’s just a mismatch, nothing more.


Amen!


----------



## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Op?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

ReformedHubby said:


> Can't say I blame her. The initial responses were kind of insensitive and implied that she had poor morals. I don't know how old she is..but nude pics just aren't a big deal anymore, especially to the younger folks. I know that is concerning to many, but I don't see it changing ever at this point.
> 
> I think the responses kind of missed the point of what the OP was asking. She wasn't looking to change who she is sexually. She wanted to know why her boyfriend felt the way he did, and what if anything she could do to get him back. But she kind of got bashed....not pandering by saying this but I feel bad for women. If they aren't sexual enough men complain about what they won't do..if they are sexual then she must be avoided, and we get sensitive about what she did, and how many, etc.. How does one navigate that?


I agree, maybe she bailed, maybe she's still lurking. I just hope the two of them do work things out, I have no idea why some people feel so strongly against FWBs, it's safer and much better than ONSs and it doesn't mean those who engage in it don't respect themselves and having a FWB is FAAAAAAAAAAAR from just sleeping with randoms. To each their own sure, but like you said, the initial responses had rather insensitive implications.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> Can't say I blame her. The initial responses were kind of insensitive and implied that she had poor morals. I don't know how old she is..but nude pics just aren't a big deal anymore, especially to the younger folks. I know that is concerning to many, but I don't see it changing ever at this point.
> 
> I think the responses kind of missed the point of what the OP was asking. She wasn't looking to change who she is sexually. She wanted to know why her boyfriend felt the way he did, and what if anything she could do to get him back. But she kind of got bashed....not pandering by saying this but I feel bad for women. If they aren't sexual enough men complain about what they won't do..if they are sexual then she must be avoided, and we get sensitive about what she did, and how many, etc.. How does one navigate that?


You know, some of that did happen. But her mistake was not being straight up honest with him. She was vague, and that was not a time to do that if she was in a committed relationship. 

By not really explaining it fully and trying to brush it off, she blew it. We don't know if he was adverse to FWB's or not. We just know that she did not give him any information and she knew it bothered him. 

Now if he was just a guy or another FB and he acted like that, she should have told him to FO. But that was not the case. 

You see, my opinion is this. All of this digital tech has, to some extent made everyone lazy about actually commutating face to face. I am not sure she know how to handle it. I think she thought that new guy would just accept her explanation. And really, at that stage of an exclusive relationship, she should have known that she needed to explain it better. 

As far as not looking at my phone after 4 months, yeah, not. When me and current GF decided to be together, I was truthful about my past except for numbers. I gave her my phone password, and let her look through my phone. 

And she asked questions about various women and ex GF conversations that were still there. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing. You are either with me and we are together or we are not.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> I have no idea why some people feel so strongly against FWBs, it's safer and much better than *ONSs* and it doesn't mean those who engage in it don't respect themselves and having a FWB is FAAAAAAAAAAAR from* just sleeping with randoms.* To each their own sure, but like you said, the initial responses had rather insensitive implications.


To start off, to each their own. 

I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a moment. What exactly makes you think that your FWB doesn't have another FWB or 2 in the address book? Those FWB's probably also have FWB as well. So how does that make it any safer than a random or a ONS?

That they gave you their word? Lol. Hell the same thing happens in marriage as well and the infidelity rate is obscene! 

Something about mixing multiple men's baby batter in the FWB mixing bowl just seems pretty gross to me. Yes that was crude, but it was blunt honest truth.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> To start off, to each their own.
> 
> I'm gonna play devil's advocate here for a moment. What exactly makes you think that your FWB doesn't have another FWB or 2 in the address book? Those FWB's probably also have FWB as well. So how does that make it any safer than a random or a ONS?
> 
> ...


Ha! Well as you said - the same thing happens in marriage as well and the infidelity is obscene - so why pick on *JUST FWBs* then? What makes marriage and committed relationships superior to FWBs when as you said, there's abuse of trust everywhere you go!


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Ha! Well as you said - the same thing happens in marriage as well and the infidelity is obscene - so why pick on *JUST FWBs* then? What makes marriage and committed relationships superior to FWBs when as you said, there's abuse of trust everywhere you go!


Lol.
That's not how this works. I readily admit that the infidelity rate in marriage is not what it should be.

The statement I was specifically questioning was the statement that FWB are safer than a ONS or a random. To which I gave a clear example. A FWB having multiple FWB. I mean, that is the whole definition of a FWB isn't it? A friend that you sometimes have sex with, no attachments, no commitments.What keeps them from having multiple FWB behind your back? Their word? 

What makes it superior? While the marriage infidelity rate is pretty high, the chances of using your penis for a stir stick for some other dudes junk is still by far less. No constant need for a STD test. Ect.

Not counting individual reasons that marriage or a LTR may be safer for many.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> Lol.
> That's not how this works. I readily admit that the infidelity rate in marriage is not what it should be.
> 
> The statement I was specifically questioning was the statement that FWB are safer than a ONS or a random. To which I gave a clear example. A FWB having multiple FWB. I mean, that is the whole definition of a FWB isn't it? A friend that you sometimes have sex with, no attachments, no commitments.What keeps them from having multiple FWB behind your back? Their word?
> ...


Not all FWBs are alike 

Same with marriages and relationships in general. As we become more sexually liberated in society it's becoming more mainstream, with guidelines (some of which, OMFG are completely BS!) but it's still not completely socially accepted. OP was jumped on for having a FWB without any grounds to say that her FWB relationship was one that so many suspected. For me, that's just wrong.

People judge too quick IMO


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> Not all FWBs are alike
> 
> Same with marriages and relationships in general. As we become more sexually liberated in society it's becoming more mainstream, with guidelines (some of which, OMFG are completely BS!) but it's still not completely socially accepted. OP was jumped on for having a FWB without any grounds to say that her FWB relationship was one that so many suspected. For me, that's just wrong.
> 
> People judge too quick IMO


Lol. I got ya. Just take your word for it. Sure thing, as long as you buy my ocean front property in Montana.

Society, smuckciety. Blah. I personally hope it never becomes acceptable, but that's just my own opinion.

"OP was jumped on for having a FWB without any grounds to say that her FWB relationship was one that so many suspected."

Complete and utter horse manure!
Unless we are reading completely different threads, the OP explicitly stated, in her title at that, that her previous relationship or whatever it was, was in fact a FWB. The current boyfriend was supposedly" The One. Until he seen the booty call text. So the verifiable fact is that the OP herself said she had a FWB before she got with her current bf.

So, while there may have been some that were harsh on her, the overwhelming majority of responses to her were telling her to quit trying to blow smoke up her bf ass by telling him the other guy was a "no one".

Grab those posts that show she was dogged on for having a FWB. This thread was actually very civil to her.

Yes, people may judge to quick, such is life. Welcome to earth. Are you saying you have never made a judgment about someone? Lol.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Windwalker said:


> Lol. I got ya. Just take your word for it. Sure thing, as long as you buy my ocean front property in Montana.
> 
> Society, smuckciety. Blah. I personally hope it never becomes acceptable, but that's just my own opinion.
> 
> ...


And... what's wrong with that?

Sex is sex, people attach so much BS to it but that's just my opinion.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Sex is sex, as in-- a recreational activity to some people. To some people it's something that's only done with a few people in a lifetime.

OPs boyfriend and OP might have different views about sex.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> And... what's wrong with that?
> 
> Sex is sex, people attach so much BS to it but that's just my opinion.



You stated that people were getting on her case about it, when very few, if any did for the simple fact that she had a FWB. They pointed out they she was blowing smoke up her bf ass about her FB being a "No one".

Ahhh. I'm starting to see what your whole gig is.

Different strokes, different folks.
Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but people have the right to associate and interact with whomever they chose for any reason that they want. Such is life.

Thread jack over.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

FWBs are whole different animal to BF/GF let alone marriage  But it doesn't make it less acceptable - for me anyway.

True, different strokes, different folks. And you know even though we disagree I respect your opinion highly. You are right btw:



> people have the right to associate and interact with whomever they chose for any reason that they want. Such is life.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

RandomDude said:


> FWBs are whole different animal to BF/GF let alone marriage  But it doesn't make it less acceptable - for me anyway.
> 
> True, different strokes, different folks. And you know even though we disagree I respect your opinion highly. You are right btw:


I understand your point, for you it's no big deal. You have every right in the world to your opinion. 

I was never of the assumption that they are not different animals. They are in fact different animals.

Yes we disagree, but I like wise highly respect yours.
The circular discussion was getting us nowhere quickly.

Peace.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Personally as I get older I just think everyone should do what they want, but they should also be COMPLETELY open and honest about it. That also means being honest and accepting that choices will always limit your choices. This is not even sex based. For instance your political choices are going to limit the people who are going to want to date you, but if this is a big part of your life you shouldn't hide it. In the long run that is a much better mating strategy. 

Likewise if you like to live a promiscuous lifestyle be honest about it. My problem is really with those who want to do that when they are young, but then marry someone who isn't into that and really cares about the amount of people they are with because they reserve that for a unique experience. It seems SO often the promiscuous types lie if only by omission in the hopes to give themselves a larger pool of people to choose from. That is wrong and again a bad matting strategy. That is because as we have read on here before it's something that is very important to the reserved one, and it's wrong to take their choice away from them by lying to them. It also means you are probably not sexually compatible in the long run. 

However this is also why I really don't like shaming either way, shaming also can stop people from being honest and then you end up with mismatches. I see this kind of like how people who were gay in the 60s and 70s married straight because society was tough on them. Only to come out and ruin their partners life today now that society changed. That was very wrong to marry under false pretenses back in the day but it's still better that the stigma is gone, as there is no excuse AT ALL to do something so monstrous today. 

This is also why I really DON'T hope this works out for op and her boyfriend if either one of them is not really comfortable with each others sexual history. It's actually better for both of them in the long run even if it's hard to acknowledge that they are not compatible. It's a big world with lots of other people.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rowan said:


> You'd think that, wouldn't you? I, too, used to assumed the same. However, my ex-husband pulled a similar stunt several months after our divorce was final. And, let me be clear, he and I had not shared a sexual relationship since I had immediately filed for divorce upon discovering his long history of serial cheating. I had never once since I'd moved out initiated any contact with him at all that was not directly related to either the final details of the settlement or our son. He could not possibly have had any reasonable expectation that the "door was wide open for him to make a mid-night invitation". And, yet, there I was in the wee hours, in my own bed in my own home, looking at a booty-call text from my ex-husband of 8 months. He was drunk, clearly horny, and still mad at me for "destroying our family" by divorcing him. No nude pics accompanied that message, because I don't take or send nudes - to anyone, ever. But yep, I've gotten the late night booty call from a real-relationship ex who had no reason - other than his own fantasies - to imagine I'd respond favorably to such.
> 
> I understand that's likely not the norm, and that's apparently not what happened in the OP's situation as she describes the guy as an ex-FWB, but it does actually happen. Some men really are that deluded as to their ex-whatever's (even their ex-wife's) continued interest in what they clearly believe to be their magic ****.


That all may be true, but that is not how the BF is going to see it with the information he had at the time.

And we must also remember that she told him , " he was nobody."

That horse is already out of the barn.

If she makes up some story about it being an ex BF that she is broke up with now, she will just look like a lier and a manipulator.

.....which she would actually be since it was not a BF and they aren't broke up.

And since she never said anything about her ever telling him not to booty call her, that means they are technically still on each other's "call list."

Unless the BF is downright dumb, he could see all of that in an instant.

Any kind of cover story she comes up with now after the fact will just make her look like a lying whackadoodle.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah I see the difference in opinion. I read OP's story as a misunderstanding because there was no information on OP's boyfriend's actual stance on casual relationships, FWBs and all that. I read it as him seeing a text with a nude pic with this random guy and the first impression he must have had (as I would have had) that she was cheating on him. *When she clearly wasn't.*

If he was actually against it, which is an assumption, then I understand. But for now, not much to go on, and OP has bailed so...


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

WorriedGirl1! said:


> In the text the guy was explicit and said I should come over and that he was getting aroused looking at a pic I had sent him. For emphasis he copied the pic to the text. It was a revealing nude that I sent him ages ago. Sooo my boyfriend saw all this and like just shut down. He said he couldn't believe I'd send some random explicit pics. He asked who it was and when I said it was just a guy who didn't mean anything, he looked at me funny.


 Note to self: when your boyfriend (BF) asks you who is the guy that just sent you a sexual text with a “revealing nude” photo of you, and you answer that he was “just a guy who didn’t mean anything” to you, he is going to look at you “funny” as he wonders how many other men have nude photos of you since you will send nude photos to anyone that you date. Trust me when I say that it would have been better if you told him that the other man was someone that you use to be in a relationship with. Add in that you are just a “booty call” to this other man, and it gets worse.

The fact that you do not understand this indicates to your BF that maybe you and him have very different values, and that to him you may not be marriage material. You need to find someone that shares your values.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

TRy said:


> The fact that you do not understand this indicates to your BF that maybe you and him have very different values, and that to him you may not be marriage material. You need to find someone that shares your values.


The one that likely shares her values is Booty Call Man.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> TRy said:
> 
> 
> > The fact that you do not understand this indicates to your BF that maybe you and him have very different values, and that to him you may not be marriage material. You need to find someone that shares your values.
> ...


The irony here is that yes, the man who shares her sexual values and would be compatible that way with her IS the FB/FWB, but they will never be in long term committed relationship because-- just FB/FWB!!


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Livvie said:


> The irony here is that yes, the man who shares her sexual values and would be compatible that way with her IS the FB/FWB, but they will never be in long term committed relationship because-- just FB/FWB!!


Actually I was being sincere and did not mean it to be any kind of irony or any kind of put down or anything.

I was being sincere - the person who's values probably more closely matches her own is Booty Call man. 

This is kind of an actions speak louder than words type thing. If she is sending nudes and having late night booty calls etc, then those are her values.

I'm not saying that is wrong or bad. I am just acknowledging that that is what she is doing.

If she is seeing some guy that is about serious, exclusive relationships and who does not go for FWB/booty calls, then that is probably not a match. 

It's not that anyone is a good guy or a bad guy; just a difference in values and outlooks on sexuality etc. 

(And as a side note: my wife and I started seeing each other as FWB/booty call. We eventually decided we were a good match and wanted to be together fulltime. We dated exclusively for awhile, got married, had two kids and lived a completely traditional marriage for 10 years then began swinging. We were in the swing lifestyle happily for almost 10 years until age and menopause and expanding waistlines etc caught up with us. So I don't see FWB compatibility as necessarily a bad thing as long as both party's are good with it)


----------



## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well, I guess the consensus is if you're a woman and you DARED to have a casual sex relationship with someone when you were SINGLE - and had the audacity to send your FWB occasional nude selfies - you're the biggest tramp on the planet. I can't help but think if this post were written by a man, he'd be hearing all about how stupid he is for not having cut off his FWB relationship once this relationship became serious and that the girlfriend was a nosy witch for having the nerve to read HIS texts on HIS phone. Gotta love the hypocrisy.
> 
> I will say, what the hell* right* did this guy have to take your phone and read YOUR message? Quite honestly, I think you dodged a bullet because he sounds like the type who would have been paranoid about everything and constantly accusing you of doing stuff you weren't doing. If he has no qualms about being only 4 months into dating you and he's _already_ snatching up your phone the* second* you get a text and you're not right there to get it, then your life would have been one long sleigh-ride to hell with this guy.
> 
> You don't see it yet, but one day you will.


Yes. A thousand times yes. 

What a violation of your privacy. I can't imagine ever unlocking someone's phone to read their messages. Why did he think that was an appropriate thing to do? That's a clear indication of his boundaries and lack of respect for privacy. I'm curious, where does he usually keep HIS phone? Does he bring it everywhere with him? Hmmm...


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

OK, so if I were dating someone exclusively for 4 months, presumably, said person would have had a number of heart-to-heart talks about hopes and dreams. I'd get a bead on what values we shared, what values we do not share. I would definitely have discussed casual sex vs committed sex.

There's be slap and tickle, fun adventures.

But somewhere in there we would have had "the talk" about our dating history. Not necessarily a laundry list, but something. 

If one of us was adverse to FWB and booty calls, or the flip side of that, liked those things? That would have been expressed some time in the four months of dating. What may not have been aired was the idea of sending naughty pictures to someone. You know, TMI?

Getting back to the exclusive dating relationship. If in said relationship, a late-night text arrived on a phone pressing for a booty call and displaying a naughty photo of the person I was just intimate with, I would not be happy with that at all. Should I have not picked up the phone? Um, you try that at 2 am when some strange text notification burbs at the side of the bed. I dare, you would be curious. Of course!

My presumption would be, Hmm, this person still does things with other people. And has sent naughty pictures to 'em too!

I thought I was clear that that is not something I like in a partner. Funny that it wasn't mentioned as something they would do. Especially when I said I don't like those things (remember "the talk").

Darn it, I liked this person, but not only did they omit that this is what they like to do, but they exposed me to it. I'd better get an STI test this week.

I don't get why they still have any former interest's phone number. Interesting that it wasn't blocked.

I think I will cool off this relationship, glad I found out now and not later.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Closing until OP returns to participate.


----------

