# Advice please!



## hazel720 (May 30, 2016)

Just to give a little backstory about my situation there is this woman who works in the suite next door to my husband's office and she comes into his office basically just to talk to him and drink her wine (don't get me started on that.) So anyway, some of the things that she tells me husband are her sexual escapades. How she slept with this girl how she's sleeping with this guy and that guy. My husband comes back to tell me these stories and the common denominator that I'm seeing with all these men that she's sleeping with is that they are all married. I didn't like how she feels she needs to be so "open" with my husband but I never say anything. When we decided to sell our old living room tv my husband comes up with the idea to sell it to this woman once again I say nothing and brush it off. Tonight I get my husband's phone and I'm going through his messages and I see this woman in his phone. There are no inappropriate messages going on but it bothers me that she seems to text him randomly and asks him to come over to her office and where is he when he's not there. This time I confront my husband about it and he blows up at me saying that I don't trust him and he can't believe we're having an argument about this. When he married me he didn't know that he was marrying a jealous person and if I don't trust him then we shouldn't be married. As far as the texts go he says that most were about the tv that we sold to her and she wanted him to come to her office cause she had a gift card for him. I told him that it's not that I don't trust him I just don't trust her and he's being a little too friendly. Then he says so I can't talk to any girls now? What do you want me to do? Stop talking to her even if she comes into the office? In the middle of the argument I just shut down and stop talking. I couldn't get him to understand why I was angry. If she was just a random woman that likes to go in his office and talk that's one thing but the oversharing of her sexual history and knowing that she has a thing for married men just does not sit right with me. Someone please tell me if I'm overreacting to all of this?!?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're not overreacting. He clearly enjoys interacting w/ this other woman, and even if it's just to hear her recount all of her sexual escapades w/ multiple other people, many of whom seem to be married.

Maybe it's all innocent on his part. But maybe not.

Either way, when you called him on it, he reacted by questioning your trust in him. If you'd persisted, you'd have likely heard the words "controlling" and/or "insecure".

Bottom line -- he's become far too comfortable in his interactions w/ this other woman (who, by her own word, has HORRIBLE boundaries where married men are concerned), and it needs to end.

Now.

Still, you can't _make_ him do anything; you can, however, hit him w/ a bit of his own medicine...

Maybe start talking about a hot new guy friend that likes banging married chicks while their husbands are away at work.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

What's clear is that he needs to put boundaries in place with this woman. She's interested in him, and things will only get worse if their interaction is allowed to continue as it is.

Is she in any position of authority over him at work?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

About as unacceptable as it gets. Obviously she's fishing. Your H should know better and cut her off.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hazel,

You are not reacting. I have a similar coworker. Sleeps with guy and gals. Told me all the stories. I enjoyed hearing about it. I enjoyed spending time with her. Drinking (you mentioned wine.) Lots of texts. None of them inappropriate. I told my wife a lot of the stories. BUT NOT ALL THE STORIES. There is a chance that your husband can become emotionally attached to this woman. Or worse. 

Two years later I am still dealing with this mess, and I am not out of it yet. 

This needs to stop. It is not a trust issue. It is all about boundaries and about what can and does happen when boundaries are not maintained. 

Read the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It will open your eyes to the risk here. It is the book TAMers always suggest. I wish I read it 2 years ago.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Also when he starts using the we are just "friends" line...then that is a huge red flag...

I think most of us here heard that line...I remember hearing it myself and honestly at the time believed it...I remember thinking well maybe they are just friends...then after I did some more investigating I realized that was not the case.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ideally it would be nice to talk to her and let her know that you are on to her..however I have the feeling that your H would be beyond pissed if she did that...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

highwood said:


> Also *when he starts using the we are just "friends" line...then that is a huge red flag...*
> 
> :iagree::iagree:





highwood said:


> .*however I have the feeling that your H would be beyond pissed if she did that... *


:iagree::iagree: He will be very pissed. 

I am compelled to post here twice because this situation is one of the closest I have seen posted on TAM. I am the H. The only thing that saved me from going to a PA was the OW was not interested. She only wanted the attention.

This woman might only want attention and maybe has no interest in putting out. However, even with that H can still be lead to an EA, even if one sided. 

IMO he loves the attention and thinks he can control himself to limit this. Well, he has ALREADY crossed the boundary in a huge way. 

Hazel, can you read his texts or does he passcode them?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

....I agree blueinbr...absolutely...loving the attention and probably getting off in hearing her sex stories...he is probably intrigued by how wild and open she is sexually....honestly most guys fantasize about an uninhibited sex partner...so understand he is enjoying this immensely.

....and I think she wants your H...no reason she would feel compelled to tell him all of her sexual exploits except to dangle it in front of him and see if he bites...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

highwood said:


> ....I agree blueinbr...absolutely...loving the attention and probably getting off in hearing her sex stories..*.he is probably intrigued by how wild and open she is sexually....honestly most guys fantasize about an uninhibited sex partner...so understand he is enjoying this immensely.*
> 
> ....and I think she wants your H...no reason she would feel compelled to tell him all of her sexual exploits except to dangle it in front of him and see if he bites...


 @hazel720 Let me tell you how destructive this can be. For reasons I do not know, both yesterday and today I was triggered to think about a story my coworker told me about her hooking up ONS with TV sportscaster who was in town. I was picturing her naked riding this guy. 

Now I did not have sex with this woman, she never put out to me or wanted to. But that vision caused me high stress yesterday and today. Severe anxiety for about 10 minutes each time. And then I wonder why I have sex issues with my wife????? Just hearing those stories can poison your H's relationship with you, as he will be comparing his fantasy vision (of her and other guys, or him and her) against what you and he do.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

It is probably innocent. He did tell you about her. He may not be telling you everything.

As for me I have had lots of female friends, but the only ones that were safe were the ones I was not attracted to. Perhaps sad but true, if I don't find a woman physically attractive, I have no intention of having sex with her. She can tell me all the stories she wishes and I might find them interesting, but I am just not into her. I have had these friends try to seduce me but I cannot do it.

Now, if a male is on the hunt, he will say to a woman he just wants to be friends and help out however he can. Nothing is expected in return. BS. Generalizing, a man will only befriend a woman or help her out if he is attracted to her or if thinks there is a chance.

Just my take on the difference in the sexes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What will happen is as she keeps it up, he'll start to loosen his boundaries as he toys with the idea of letting her have him. Get this book and read it out loud to him, so he understands the slippery slope he's on: Not Just Friends, by Glass.


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## hazel720 (May 30, 2016)

He didn't have a passcode before but he may now. He also has an iPad that we both use that is under his Apple ID so I can also see texts that way as well.


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## hazel720 (May 30, 2016)

They do not work together. She works in the office suite next to his so she walks over to his office several times a day. My husband also works with his brother in law she he's there a majority of the time. This woman doesn't like him because he doesn't have time for her foolishness and doesn't give her the time of day.


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Is she hot or not?

If not, I don't think you have much to worry about if your husband any boundaries at all. You have let him knows it bothers you so I doubt he would take it further.

If she is hot and your husband may be attracted to her, put an end to it now.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Agree. If she is hot or younger the risk is much greater.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

philreag said:


> Is she hot or not?
> 
> If not, I don't think you have much to worry about if your husband any boundaries at all. You have let him knows it bothers you so I doubt he would take it further.
> 
> If she is hot and your husband may be attracted to her, put an end to it now.


I don't think that it even matters...if she is presenting herself to be wild and sexually uninhibited...that will intrigue him regardless. 

I doubt he is thinking she is relationship material he is just thinking about trying her out...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

highwood said:


> I doubt he is thinking she is relationship material he is just thinking about trying her out...


Especially if she offers it. If there is a local bar nearby, that adds to the risk. 

Probably 90% that he has already fantasized about trying her out. Is he strong enough to resist if she offers it??? Lots of guys would succumb.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This is why it would be good if she knew that his wife knew what she was telling him.....it might make her think **** the wife knows what I tell him maybe I better stop this...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

philreag said:


> Is she hot or not?
> 
> If not, I don't think you have much to worry about if your husband any boundaries at all. You have let him knows it bothers you so I doubt he would take it further.
> 
> If she is hot and your husband may be attracted to her, put an end to it now.


Hot or not doesn't matter - especially if she seems wild and uninhibited. 

And - hot or not - its totally inappropriate for her to be discussing her personal sex life so openly with a married man.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

hazel720 said:


> They do not work together. She works in the office suite next to his so she walks over to his office several times a day. My husband also works with his brother in law she he's there a majority of the time. This woman doesn't like him because he doesn't have time for her foolishness and doesn't give her the time of day.


They don't even work together? Does he know her from somewhere else?

There is no reason your H needs to continue talking to this woman.

You could try explaining that you trust "him" - but you don't trust "HER" based on all of her stories and the fact that she shares with him so openly. He won't like it, but he needs to cut off this relationship.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

nice777guy said:


> Hot or not doesn't matter - especially if she seems wild and uninhibited.
> 
> And - hot or not - its totally inappropriate for her to be discussing her personal sex life so openly with a married man.





nice777guy said:


> They don't even work together? Does he know her from somewhere else?
> 
> There is no reason your H needs to continue talking to this woman.
> 
> You could try explaining that you trust "him" - but you don't trust "HER" based on all of her stories and the fact that she shares with him so openly. He won't like it, but he needs to cut off this relationship.


Sounds like she works in the office next to his (another company in a group of connected or close-by suites). So she has no business to be there other than to talk and flirt. 

We were discussing risks to OP. H obviously allows the interaction, while the BIL does not. So H can easily tell the woman to leave, but does not. That is the problem.

H likes the "friendship". OP has the difficult task to convince H to stop the interaction. It is possible, maybe likely, he will take the friendship underground. Not necessarily cheat, but tell OP that he no longer sees her. H stops talking about her at home. But at work he will continue to see her. 

IMO that secrecy has the potential to FUEL the relationship and move it to EA or PA.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Sounds like she works in the office next to his (another company in a group of connected or close-by suites). So she has no business to be there other than to talk and flirt.
> 
> We were discussing risks to OP. H obviously allows the interaction, while the BIL does not. So H can easily tell the woman to leave, but does not. That is the problem.
> 
> ...


Absolutely it is amazing how well people can lie and coverup if they need too...I remember H looked me right in the eye and said no I am not in contact with his EA...and I believed him he seemed so sincere...I found out the truth a while after that....


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Hi Hazel, 

Im here to help you have the important talk with your husband. Have you read Crucial Conversation? Very useful book, popular best seller. I'll give some pointers and procedure taken from the book, ok?

Point1: you dont want him to blow off the talk and your concern getting no where, right? 

A discussion with husband has to be an open discussion if you want to reach the best action, win win for all. in order to get an open discussion, read point 2.

(even before the talk, ask yourself, what do u really want and dont want from the talk. e.g, do you want a fight? what do u want to achieve?)

Point2: All party should feel safe to have an open winwin conflict resolution. 

When someone feels unsafe, she usually has a pattern to deal with the unsafe situation, which can be:


- run, hide, avoid, withdraw, silence.
- shout, hurt, hit, basically an attack.
-masking such as sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior.

#so, when you notice these from your husband, your goal is to immediately make him feel safe to be open completely with you. If he felt heard/listened, chances are he is more likrly to listen to you.

will continue on how:


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## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

continue: 

Make him feel safe to have a crucial conversation with you by:

1) if possible, let him know you two have something important to talk about. let him set the time.

3)Set a safety net: 

"i trust you, and believe you can make the right decision even if its a hard one. "

"i will not force or control you to do what i want. Thats not my intention at all."

AND,

" i want to see it from your oint of view, i dont want us to hurt each other"

2)Find a mutual purpose and share it with him. 
" we want a strong, happy marriage, dont we? " 

4)State neutral observation, allow him to talk/give feedback. Only state facts.

"correct me if im wrong. theres this woman came to your place and shared her explicit sexual experience."

5)ask how he view the situation. How does it affect him.

make it safe for him to express by: paraphrasing, mirroring, ask, prime "you think vla bla bla, right?"


5)If you did wrong, such as expressing a wrong assumption, or shout or ignored him,immediately apologize.

6) share your point of view. Avoid putting him as villain, instead, be aware of your thoughts. 

6)good luck.


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## swami.nitish (Jun 4, 2016)

prayers for u


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