# A few questions to ask the ladies...



## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Let me set this up first. You are married and took the usual vows. You are and have been faithful to your husband and he to you. Why do you stay faithful? Do you think it is just wrong to cheat (on anyone) or is it just not worth the risk? (commitment vs. compliance) 

Let me illustrate what I mean by the difference between commitment and compliance. A person refrains from stealing and robbing banks because the risk of getting caught is too great, the penalty is too severe (compliant) while another person has no desire to commit crimes because he believes them to be wrong (committed). 

So now I have to ask, What would you do if there were no risks? Do you think it makes a difference whether you are committed or compliant?


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mjr810 said:


> Do you think it is just wrong to cheat (on anyone) or is it just not worth the risk? (commitment vs. compliance)


I think it is wrong to cheat because cheating insinuates lying, and I think its wrong to lie. So in that aspect im 'committed'. 

I do not think there's anything wrong with multiple partners if there is no lying. But I would never do it because of the consequences- unwanted pregnancies, diseases, emotional toll on my relationship. So I am compliant in that area.


----------



## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Blanca said:


> I do not think there's anything wrong with multiple partners if there is no lying. But I would never do it because of the consequences- unwanted pregnancies, diseases, emotional toll on my relationship. So I am compliant in that area.


Thanks for the response and it is a twist I hadn't anticipated. Did you mean that YOU don't see anything wrong with multiple partners for yourself (but don't because of the consequences)or that you don't see anything wrong with other couples having multiple partners if they so choose?

So, assume that the risks you mentioned were completely negated and your husband did NOT know what you were doing, then what would you do?


----------



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

mjr810 said:


> Do you think it makes a difference whether you are committed or compliant?


Yes, it makes a big difference but only depending on what your expectations of marriage are. If you have high expectations which include a deep soulful connection with your mate then you want committment. If you have low expectations or have allowed this to become your reality then, while not explicit, you have probably settled for compliance.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mjr810 said:


> Did you mean that YOU don't see anything wrong with multiple partners for yourself (but don't because of the consequences)or that you don't see anything wrong with other couples having multiple partners if they so choose?


Both. I dont see anything wrong with multiple partners for myself and dont see anything wrong with other people having multiple partners. 



mjr810 said:


> So, assume that the risks you mentioned were completely negated and your husband did NOT know what you were doing, then what would you do?


If my husband did not know what i was doing i would consider that lying and so on the pretense of being committed i would never do that. however, if my H knew i was doing it, was ok with it, and there were no risk factors, heck ya id do it in a heart beat.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

mjr810 said:


> Let me set this up first. You are married and took the usual vows. You are and have been faithful to your husband and he to you. Why do you stay faithful? Do you think it is just wrong to cheat (on anyone) or is it just not worth the risk? (commitment vs. compliance)
> 
> Let me illustrate what I mean by the difference between commitment and compliance. A person refrains from stealing and robbing banks because the risk of getting caught is too great, the penalty is too severe (compliant) while another person has no desire to commit crimes because he believes them to be wrong (committed).
> 
> So now I have to ask, What would you do if there were no risks? Do you think it makes a difference whether you are committed or compliant?



This is just my opinion but why get married if you want to "be" w/other people? To me marriage is a vow between two people not 10 or 20. If I couldn't be with that one person that'd be a billboard size message for me not to marry them.


----------



## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Rhea said:


> This is just my opinion but why get married if you want to "be" w/other people? To me marriage is a vow between two people not 10 or 20. If I couldn't be with that one person that'd be a billboard size message for me not to marry them.


:iagree: I started wondering about this after a discussion with a female co-worker (25 years younger than me). I was telling her that I was approaching 27 yr. wedding anniv. She wanted to know, Was I faithful all those years? I said of course, why would I still be married otherwise. I never had to fight temptation or the desire to 'be' with someon else. She wouldn't believe it. She said that's not possible because humans are not monogamous (sp). 

I think I would have a hard time thinking my wife would rather be with others and had to fight that temptation. What would keep her faithful during the tough times if her core beliefs and desires couldn't? If I've learned anything in life it is that people will rationalize doing almost anything but they can't overcome their conscience with it.

So I started to wonder, Which one of us is the anomoly? Are her beliefs more in line with the rest of the world or are mine?


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

mjr810 said:


> Let me set this up first. You are married and took the usual vows. You are and have been faithful to your husband and he to you. Why do you stay faithful? Do you think it is just wrong to cheat (on anyone) or is it just not worth the risk? (commitment vs. compliance)
> 
> Let me illustrate what I mean by the difference between commitment and compliance. A person refrains from stealing and robbing banks because the risk of getting caught is too great, the penalty is too severe (compliant) while another person has no desire to commit crimes because he believes them to be wrong (committed).
> 
> So now I have to ask, What would you do if there were no risks? Do you think it makes a difference whether you are committed or compliant?


Cheating to me is a deal breaker, no exceptions.
It sounds like your trying to find a reason to cheat... to intellectualize it to where vows are a form of compalcancy, and do not mean much.
I feel sorry for your spouse as I **** would hit the fan if my husband was talking that way.
Why even marry with that state of mind? Just stay single...
sleep around, get diseases, get your heart broken... and do it all over again next month as there is no future for the 
cheater for a healthy relationship, mind or body, sooner or later, game is over and cheater loses..... and there is no marriage with the mindset to have other partners.
Just stay single !!!


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

I would never cheat because it is breaking your vows, dishonest, and very hurtful to the other person. I wasn't happily married and he worked nights so it would have been very easy for me to cheat and get away with it, but I was never tempted because it just wasn't a option... I was married... so I was faithful. It's nice to know that after you being married all those years that you are the same way... faithful to your wife and not tempted by others...


----------



## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

preso said:


> Cheating to me is a deal breaker, no exceptions.
> It sounds like your trying to find a reason to cheat... to intellectualize it to where vows are a form of compalcancy, and do not mean much.
> I feel sorry for your spouse as I **** would hit the fan if my husband was talking that way.
> Why even marry with that state of mind? Just stay single...
> ...


Preso, I guess you didn't read my follow-up. Please take another look.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well, my mind wanders because im in a sex starved marriage. my H is great in every other way. i always think that if i could just have a guy on the side then things would be great. If i wasnt in a sex starved marriage im sure my opinion would be different.


----------



## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Blanca said:


> well, my mind wanders because im in a sex starved marriage. my H is great in every other way. i always think that if i could just have a guy on the side then things would be great. If i wasnt in a sex starved marriage im sure my opinion would be different.


Hi Blanca, Totally understandable. Its no secret that when a person is stressed or under some kind of pressure they might do (or want to do) things they otherwise wouldn't. 

I admire that you haven't stooped to cheating. The last thing you need is for something like that to lower your self esteem.

Lastly, I want to apologize if I touched a nerve with you. It was not my intent. After having the conversation I mentioned earlier with a co-worker it just got me to wondering how widespread that thinking was among women.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

mjr810 said:


> Lastly, I want to apologize if I touched a nerve with you. It was not my intent. After having the conversation I mentioned earlier with a co-worker it just got me to wondering how widespread that thinking was among women.


Oh no you did not offend me in the least. I just wanted to make it clear why I wouldn't have a problem with multiple partners, at least at this point in my life. But you are sweet and I appreciate it all the same.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Blanca said:


> well, my mind wanders because im in a sex starved marriage. my H is great in every other way. i always think that if i could just have a guy on the side then things would be great. If i wasnt in a sex starved marriage im sure my opinion would be different.


Same for me - but I'm both sex starved and affection starved. It's a VERY difficult situation not to cheat in, especially when you have other people throwing themselves at you to fill that role that he has made clear he has no intention and less interest in filling for you.

As for the cheating thing - The girls that I talk to who are 18-30 are pretty much of the mind that cheating is ok. The women I talk to who are 30-50 see marriage as more of a 'promise' not to cheat and at least feel bad about it if and when they do.

I do think the overall societal change is moving towards less monogamy and more polyandry.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

snix11 said:


> I do think the overall societal change is moving towards less monogamy and more polyandry.


:iagree:

Logically, polyandry would be the trend because the life expectancy is increasing.

I don't want to be with ME for 80 years, let alone anyone else! 

I think there should be a limit on marriage; like square dancing...20 years, change partners...

Problem is who is going to convince men that their next partner is going to be 90?:rofl:

Sorry...off topic?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I would not cheat b/c it's wrong. I realized it was going to become more and more challenging NOT to, so I decided to end my marriage. Our sexual relationship was never great and then got awful over time.


----------



## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

So lack of good sex was the main reason for the divorce? I wonder how many others are this honest.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

snix11 said:


> So lack of good sex was the main reason for the divorce? I wonder how many others are this honest.


Had the sex been good, I might have stayed. Not sure--the problem was, he wouldn't try to please me, wouldn't listen to what I said I liked, etc. As I wrote elsewhere, numerous years of orchestrating my own pleasure each and every time, really totally sucked. 

BUT, the truth is, he was/is like this in all ways. Very passive-aggressive. Any suggestion or request was/is criticism to be resisted. Now that I've seen the connection, I wonder why I stayed this long. We do have 3 amazing kids, however, so those years were pretty amazing in that way.


----------

