# Is the marriage over? Very confused...



## Mike72 (Feb 13, 2016)

My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We have 4 kids, and have delta with everything with them from my daughters diabetes, to my youngest sons battle against cancer, to my oldest sons battle with drug addiction. I'm coming up on 20 years sober, but stopped going to meetings 15 years ago.

We've had our ups and downs, but I always felt like we were soul mates and best friends. The last couple of years have been rough. I've dealt with severe depression, which caused alot of problems in the marriage. My wife felt neglected, like she was the problem, that I wasn't attracted to her, etc. That wasn't the case.

Fast forward to this past year. My wife gets hit on alot at work, and she would always tease me with it when she got home. There was one guy who always pursued her. She went to lunch with him back in November. One thing led to another, and they fooled around a little. I wasn't that upset because she told me the same day what had happened. She was honest and up front about it.

Over the last couple of months, I thought we were working on things, when out of the blue 2 weeks ago, she says she's fallen out of love with me and wants a divorce. I was stunned. She made the mistake of leaving her cell phone next to the bed this past week while she went upstairs. Sure enough, there were texts going back and forth. He wrote - "can't wait to see you again. Love that ass. Miss you". She texted back - "It's weird seeing you at work now. I feel like everyone can see right through me. I'm such a horrible liar".

And so, I've been going back to AA meetings to get myself in a better place. I need the peace, and to work on myself. She sees positive changes in me already, and I can see conflict with her as far as what is going on. 

She flew out of town this weekend, and the night before she left, wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to get "the wrong idea". I said I couldn't (I just found the texts on her phone 20 minutes before that). We told each other we love each other at the airport.

She says I'll always be the love of her life, but her feelings for me have gone "numb". I guess she's filling the void she feels with this guy. The only problem is, this guy is a known player. He has something like 6 kids with 4 or 5 different women. I know how this plays out and ends, but I think she's in such confusion, frustration, and denial, that she either doesn't care, or doesn't see it. As long as it is an escape as to what is going on.

And that's where we're at. Lots of confusion, lots of uncertainty, lots of pain, lots of lying. I'm gonna keep going to meetings to keep myself in a better place, no matter what happens, but I happen to still love her. She's my best friend, as well as wife & love.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Mike72 said:


> My wife and I just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary in January. We have 4 kids, and have delta with everything with them from my daughters diabetes, to my youngest sons battle against cancer, to my oldest sons battle with drug addiction. I'm coming up on 20 years sober, but stopped going to meetings 15 years ago.
> 
> We've had our ups and downs, but I always felt like we were soul mates and best friends. The last couple of years have been rough. I've dealt with severe depression, which caused alot of problems in the marriage. My wife felt neglected, like she was the problem, that I wasn't attracted to her, etc. That wasn't the case.
> 
> ...


Seems pretty lackadaisical in your response unless there was some type of consequences and/or some firmer boundaries put in place. Have you confronted her about the latest texts you've found?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

By the way,you might want to have this moved to the Coping With Infidelity forum as you'll get a lot more input relative to your situation.


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## Mike72 (Feb 13, 2016)

How do I get it moved by a mod?

It took me a half hour to figure out how to register. Let's not complicate things now.....lol

If a mod reads this, can you move it to the infidelity board? I posted it here because she mentioned a separation/divorce.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Mike72 said:


> How do I get it moved by a mod?
> 
> It took me a half hour to figure out how to register. Let's not complicate things now.....lol
> 
> If a mod reads this, can you move it to the infidelity board? I posted it here because she mentioned a separation/divorce.


 @MEM11363 @EleGirl Maybe you can help this poster. Thank you.


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## Mike72 (Feb 13, 2016)

I haven't confronted her about it. I actually just found out on Wednesday night. I drove her to the airport the next morning, she flew out to California to see our son who is in rehab.

It's funny, on Wednesday night she wanted to have sex, but didn't want me to "get the wrong idea". I said I couldn't, I'm working on issues right now (just found out about the other guy 10 minutes before that). She laid in bed and stared off into space until she fell asleep.

On the way to the airport, she mentioned that I've been a different person since going back to meetings. I told her I should have been going the whole time, alot of the problems we have could have been avoided. We talked and laughed all the way to the airport, and told each other "I love you" when we said our good-byes.

I'm not sure if I should bring up that I know about this guy, or just let it play out and keep going to meetings and working on myself. There is no future with this guy, we both know it. He's a player who has 6 kids with 4 or 5 different women. He told her once that's because he "gets bored easy".

He just wants to get laid, I only want what is best for her.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Stop worrying about what HE wants.!!!! You wife is your problem and she seems to be willing to provide it for him.

I hope the hell you are not planning on sucking it up when she comes home and just letting it continue.

What is the plan


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## Mike72 (Feb 13, 2016)

The plan is, I keep going to meetings so I'm in a better place, no matter what happens.

She may be loving this as an "escape from reality", but the truth is, there's 0 chance of a future with this player. He spends every weekend at the clubs, and has kids all over the place with multiple women.

She already seems confused and uncertain about what's going on. It's not my job to save her. My job is to work on myself. I really want the best for her, and for her to stop hurting.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you don't end this now you may not have a marriage to work on. Once a sexual affair starts up they may be impossible to break. 

Your biggest issue right this moment is another man in the mix. You don't have time to fix yourself before ending this affair.

Better wake up


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mike72 said:


> The plan is, I keep going to meetings so I'm in a better place, no matter what happens.
> 
> She may be loving this as an "escape from reality", but the truth is, there's 0 chance of a future with this player. He spends every weekend at the clubs, and has kids all over the place with multiple women.
> 
> She already seems confused and uncertain about what's going on. It's not my job to save her. My job is to work on myself. I really want the best for her, and for her to stop hurting.


Your job is the leader of your family. Laying back trying to work on you will get you nothing at this time. Can you not see your priorities?????

If you don't mind getting divorced I guess you're ok because that's where you're headed???????

An affair is like an addiction and you should know about that. She's addicted to the excitement and sex with another man. She's planning in her fogged mind to leave you for him. Do you not see what's coming????

She probably does not see him in the same way as you. Step up


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

She's not confused; she's a cake eater. She wants her fun and to have you around when she gets home.

Serve her divorce papers. That's the only way she might, repeat might, wake up and realize what she is losing.

But I would say she's already over you. Now it's your turn to get over her.


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## Mike72 (Feb 13, 2016)

I'm not weak, and I'm not stupid. The funny thing is, this guy is just out to get laid, period. My wife's in a fog. She tells me she loves me, she tells me she doesn't love me, she tells me she's not sure what she wants. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis with her or what. We're both fried by all the health complications with the kids, my son's addiction, etc. I can see how this is an escape from reality for her. It has 0 chance of going anywhere, but she can't see it.

Thing is, I still love her. I'm not a doormat. I'm actually quite strong. 20 years without a drink, quit smoking 2 months ago, overcame deep depression, dealt with the kids health issues. I really don't want a divorce, but my wife is disconnected from reality right now.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Mike72,

Please read this link http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html going forward you will hear a lot of abv used: BS, WW, CSA, FOG, DDay, R, FR, FWW, FWH, EA, PA,TT, etc. This link will provide a reference guide for definitions and general information.

I will start by asking you to use this board as a sponsor for this crisis as you would a sponsor at AA. Myself and those here are the been there, done that group you need, like al-non for family members of alcoholics. 

Since she is away for the week-end take the day or two to learn what's ahead and plan ahead. You will only get one shot at confrontation so prepare for it. You need to talk to her right now is ever bit as intense as a need for a drink when you began the road to becoming sober - DON'T. First confrontation is no different then an intervation. Do it right. 

First gather evidence http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html. Get past phone bills and review all numbers called and texts sent. Next use apps to dug into the home computer to see what's there. 

Above all else stay sober and stop the bullshyt of I just want her to be happy. That is statement is no different then a spouse ofban alcoholic keeping a fifth of booze in the house because the only time the alcoholic is happy is when they are drunk.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You mentioned the word "fog" in your last post. Your on the right track. The first step to break it is exposure. Here is where to start.

Exposure *101

Exposure 101*

Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?*

Originally Posted By: Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."


Originally Posted By: Dr Bill Harley
"The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband he is an "enabler" for not exposing his wife's affair: radio clip*

Dr Harley tells BTinTrouble to "expose the heck out of his wife's affair" [exposure saved their marriage, btw] radio clip here*

Exposure targets
Parents of all concerned, family, close friends, children of the BS, workplace [if a workplace affair], spouse of the affair partner, pastor. Facebook friends of affair partner.*

Exposure Timing
Exposure should be done immediately. The longer you wait, the more entrenched the affair becomes. There is never any “perfect” time to expose, so don’t delay while looking for an imaginary perfect time.*

Expose on the SAME DAY – or as close as possible – in order to achieve a tsunami effect. The affairees should be completely taken by surprise. Doing this creates a powerful hit on the affair and prevents the affairees from pre-empting you

Exposure Tactics

Spouse of affair partner- Give your full name, phone # and email address. Tell the other BS all about the affair, offer to share all evidence with him/her. Offer to follow up to ensure that contact is truly ended and ask the other BS to do the same. The other BS will be shocked when you tell him, so be sure and give your email address and phone # for follow up questions. ALWAYS GIVE THE OTHER BS YOUR WS'S PHONE # IN CASE HE/SHE WANTS TO CALL.*

Parents, close family, friends – Tell them about the affair, giving them names, general timelines, etc. Explain you are attempting to save your marriage and would be willing to forgive your WS if he/she ended the affair. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the WS to end her affair. A way to save time is to call both sets of parents and send an email to the other close family and friends. Template letter posted below

Parents of affair partner. Give your full name and explain why you are calling. Ask them to use their influence with their son/daughter to persuade them to leave your spouse alone. It might also help if the PARENT of the WS calls them too.*

Workplace exposure: Expose to Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both of the affairee’s supervisors using the template letter posted below.

Facebook exposure: Should be done to the affair partner’s facebook friends via private message. This is a very, very effective exposure because it is a collection of the AP’s closest friends and family. SPACE THE PM’S OUT 60 SECONDS APART SO FB DOES NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING. Before you begin, copy and paste all the contacts into a WORD doc. Change your fb picture to a picture of you and your spouse and children. Template letters posted below.


Send the Evidence! Provide the evidence via email to your exposure targets. One ideal way to do this is to start up a website, upload your evidence and send out the link to everyone. This prevents the WS from denying there is an affair.

The Fallout
Expect your spouse to be FURIOUS and to make all manner of threats, “I was going to work on the marriage, now I am not!!” “I cannot trust you” “You have to pack and leave!!” “You have ruined any chance you had!!” Do not let this bother you!! Just imagine that you have taken the crackpipe away from the crack head. Of course they are angry. But it will blow over. Don’t laugh, don’t fight, don't attempt to reason with them, and most of all, don’t be SCARED! Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair! The madder your WS, the harder you hit the target!*

The goal is to save your marriage, NOT to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all costs.

Just say, "I am so sorry you are upset.. Can I get you a potato chip?" *

Common Exposure Mistakes

Telling the WS that you got the idea to expose on the internet rather than taking ownership of your actions. Then the discussion becomes “who???” When the WS is told it was Marriage Builders, the WS is forever jaundiced against Marriage Builders, which harms future recovery chances. You need to OWN IT. Saying somebody told you to do it does not work for 5 year olds and it won’t work for you!

Keeping exposure a secret. Yes, you read right. But we have had exposure targets say “ok, I will keep this a secret!!” And they never tell the WS they know. That defeats the entire purpose. If that person won’t help you by speaking to your WS, at least TELL the WS that person knows.*

Doing trickle exposures. Meaning exposing to just a few people but not to everyone that could have an influence. Trickle exposures are a disaster because they are not enough to kill the affair but just enough to infuriate the WS enough to come after the BS. So the exposure essentially only served to beat down the already beaten BS for no benefit.

Eliminating exposure targets because that person “has no influence over my WS” even though this is a person with long history over the WS. Such as a mother or father. Such targets cannot be dismissed on such a subjective basis because the BS CANNOT PREDICT WHO WILL OR WON’T HAVE AN INFLUENCE OVER THE WS. Sorry, but unless you are psychic and your name is Madame Cleo, you don’t know. Many WS are estranged from a parent, sibling, pastor but that is not a knock out factor.*

Threatening to expose. Using exposure as a threat only serves to forewarn the affairees and cause them to go further underground. All you have achieved is to give the enemy your battle plan so they can come back and kick your rear tomorrow. It also gives them an opportunity to pre-empt you and tell others you are “crazy” “jealous”. Then then when you do expose no one will take you seriously. Threatening to expose is the equivalent of giving your battle plan to the enemy. Don't do that!

Deleting or throwing away evidence after the affair is killed. DO NOT DO THIS! You will need this in case the affair starts up again or if you get divorced. Yes, we know you don't want to be triggered. Fine. Then bag up the evidence and put it somewhere for safekeeping. Do not throw it away!

Here is the link Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You need framework to work and live in while dealing with her adultery. Yes adultery, a cold, judgmental, and cruel word. Not an affair. I had what turned out be an affair turned into engagement, and breaking up with my college sweetheart. Affairs occur when both parties are not married. Use the 180 to keep your mind clear and focused, and your emotions in check. This is the first post on another board 


Liove shack 180*


There continue to be more and more arrivals to our LS section on Divorce and Separation. Often, I find myself technically challenged when it comes to citing links, or just general recall sometimes. As well, I many times repeat my reading advice to posters. As a contributor to this section, I thought it might be useful to us and our newcomers to get all of our reading materials in one place, rather than citing and re-citing.

Perhaps others will join me in posting helpful relevant material and cites -- on this new thread I am trying to begin. Can some please post the most current "No Contact" draft that is available so it will come up in the second post of the thread?*

Theefore, please of our find our most popular reference below:*

THE 180's:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)*

So here's the list:*
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Here is the link Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Be prepared for DAVO from your wife. It is a common reaction from WS. Especially from serial adulters or those who feel you "just don't listen and dont care. 

Davo

What is DARVO?

Jennifer J. Freyd, University of Oregon

Short Definition

DARVO refers to a reaction perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender." The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim -- or the whistle blower -- into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of "falsely accused" and attacks the accuser's credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.


Disclaimers

DARVO as a concept is based on observation and analysis. The author has not yet published systematic empirical research testing the coherence or frequency of DARVO. However, the first empirical research specifically testing the concept of DARVO is completed and the manuscript report is in preparation (Harsey, Zurbriggen, & Freyd, in prep).
Other observers have likely noted the same phenomena and related phenomena using different terms; the author has been informed that some people have found the term DARVO a helpful mnemonic and organizing concept.
Also the presense of DARVO is not necessarily evidence in support of the accusation of guilt; a truly innocent person may deny an accusation, attack the person making the accusation, or claim the victim role. Future research may be able to determine the probability of a DARVO response as a function of guilt or innocence. The author hypothesized that some sorts of denials and reactions such as DARVO are more likely when the perpetrator is guilty than innocent (Freyd, 1997); however this hypothesis has not yet been tested. Furthermore, even if research indicates that a DARVO reaction is more likely when there is actual guilt, it would be an error to use a DARVO reaction as proof of guilt.
For now the concept of DARVO is offered as potentially memorable and useful term for anticipating the behavior of perpetrators when held accountable, and for making sense of responses that may otherwise be confusing (particularly when victim and offender get reversed).*
History of Terminology & Writings about DARVO

Jennifer Freyd introduced the term "DARVO" near the end of a 1997 publication about her primary research focus, "betrayal trauma theory." (For more on betrayal trauma theory, see Definition of Betrayal Trauma Theory.)

The reference for the 1997 article introducing the term is:

Freyd, J.J. (1997) Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22-32.

In that paper Freyd explained that DARVO responses may be effective for perpetrators. "...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of law suits, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credicility, and so on..... [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed... The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense." (Freyd, 1997, p 29-30)

"By denying, attacking and reversing perpetrators into victims, reality gets even more confusing and unspeakable for the real victim. .... These perpetrator reactions increase the need for betrayal blindness. If the victim does speak out and gets this level of attack, she quickly gets the idea that silence is safer." (Veldhuis & Freyd, 1999. p 274).

It didn't happen (an instance) or It rarely happens (a type of event)
It wasn't harmful
Put together they can take the form: "It didn't happen, but if it did, it wasn't that bad" or "It rarely happens, but when it does it isn't harmful." The two claims both serve to deny, but they depend upon different sorts of evidence. They may both be true, but they are sometimes somewhat suspicious when claimed simultaneously (or by the same person at different times), as for instance can occur in response to allegations of rape or child sexual abuse.

Here is the link What is DARVO?. Thanks @marduk for the link. @Mike72, don't know if learned yet but using the @ before a user name send a notification to that person they have been mentioned on a post. You should have two from me now. Also if you click on the name it will bring the posters home page with links to their other posts and threads.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mike72 said:


> I'm not weak, and I'm not stupid. The funny thing is, this guy is just out to get laid, period. My wife's in a fog. She tells me she loves me, she tells me she doesn't love me, she tells me she's not sure what she wants. I don't know if this is a midlife crisis with her or what. We're both fried by all the health complications with the kids, my son's addiction, etc. I can see how this is an escape from reality for her. It has 0 chance of going anywhere, but she can't see it.
> 
> Thing is, I still love her. I'm not a doormat. I'm actually quite strong. 20 years without a drink, quit smoking 2 months ago, overcame deep depression, dealt with the kids health issues. I really don't want a divorce, but my wife is disconnected from reality right now.


Ok, then plan this out carefully. You'll have one shot to get this right.

Read up on exposure and then plan it. Being strong in this situation is imperative. You'll never nice her back. Or work on yourself enough to matter in time.

This is your life, family, future you have a right to protect it.

So start doing it. Just don't go off half ****ed. She's going to rewrite history on how worthless you are to justify her actions and conscience.

Remember cheaters lie, hide and deny. Affairs need secrecy and darkness to work.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Finally there is a thread on this thread started by @LosingHim. It shows how adultery can destroy our self-esteem. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/306482-whats-worst-thing-about-infidelity.html

Just as "one no to a drink at a time" is an article of faith for those who remain sober. So is this for BS. 

Issues are issues, adultery is adultery. The former never is an excuss or justification for the later. Issues are the responsibility of both partners to resolve. While there are a 1001 legit reasons to divorce, adultery is never acceptable.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You have been given a lot of info to process. When you have, I have two more for you on the true nature of her OM and how he played her. Use the @JohnA or PM me and I will forward the links.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Please note Mike72 has started a new thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/318474-just-found-out.html


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

If you're strong, expose her at work.

Publish the texts - facebook, whatever.

Blow it out of the water.


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## gyspy14 (Feb 16, 2016)

Just a thought, but maybe she'd appreciate you fighting for her a little bit. I've made out with another man while I was married, and I told my husband about it immediately. His reaction was, "ok. that's ok" and to be honest, I was a little upset that he wasn't more upset. 
Right now, if you don't confront it and she finds out that you know... she'll think you do care. Which will tell her you don't love her. That's NOT what you want, from the sounds of it.

Confront her. Demand it to stop.. because you LOVE her and RESPECT her. Fight for your marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

How long will you sit back, watching your wife bang somebody else, and do nothing about it? You may be strong in battling addiction, but you are hiding from taking action regarding this situation.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Omg please show her you actually love her. I would have NO respect for my husband if i was cheating on him amd he knew and said nothing. I would just think "gee looks like he never wanted me that much. Im so glad Im having an affair since my husband clearly doesn't give a crap about us." 

Have you never seen a chick flick? They're unrealistic but a lot of women watch and love them. The guy always fights to be with his woman and is really possessive of her! Hello, hot and sexy! 

I'm glad you are working on you for you but there is no chance she will believe you want this marriage the way you are acting. I mean omg she WANTS you to know she is having an affair!! She told you when it started and when you didn't get upset she thought "well he doesn't care about me enough to be angry I cheated, so I will cheat more since it doesnt bother him and im still miserable"

Do you think its an accident she left her phone there and text messages not deleted? She wanted you to read it and get angry! She was staring off in space thinking how much you don't care about her and how the only guy paying attention to her right now is a player! Talk about feeling unloved!
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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Cecezakat said:


> Omg please show her you actually love her. I would have NO respect for my husband if i was cheating on him amd he knew and said nothing. I would just think "gee looks like he never wanted me that much. Im so glad Im having an affair since my husband clearly doesn't give a crap about us."
> 
> Have you never seen a chick flick? They're unrealistic but a lot of women watch and love them. The guy always fights to be with his woman and is really possessive of her! Hello, hot and sexy!
> 
> ...



I think if you were having an affair you already would have lost respect for your husband or you wouldn't be our whoring around on him in the first place. 


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Most likely. But that really seals the deal. It made the difference between her fooling around once and continuing right in his face.

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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

Wouldn't you be more worried about what he thought of you respect wise?


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

What do you mean?

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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Have you two gone to counseling together? I know as a woman, we are guilty of always thinking the problem is us when our spouse is depressed or upset. So she probably doesn’t believe you even though you told her it wasn’t her. What she does need to do is to trust your word and just be there for you to talk to you when you need it. Marriage counseling will help too. You need to take care of yourself right now and I am really sorry that your wife is trying to ease her loneliness with another man. Would you forgive her if she were to come back or do you think that she will run off again the next hump that comes in your life? A lot to think about. Take care of yourself though, depression is no joke.


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