# Sick at heart



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I left again after h became verbally abuse again. He agreed not to lend our son his credit card and of course he did. When I objected he started the usual 'the priest said you are hard and inflexible' speech. Then he ran and told our son about the credit card. Knowing that our son who is 21 has a terrible temper. Son cussed me out and H stood by watching. I cannot take the pressure anymore so I took my 13 yo dd to my parents house. Son and H tried to come in to my parents house and take my daughter. She only lasted a day here as my parents have no wifi and being kid she wanted to go home. So H has our house, our kids and I am marooned at my parents house. When I came here to my parents my h and son tried to storm in the house to take our dd. My dad who is dying of bone cancer had to tell them to get off the property. Then my son called screaming at me that I have ruined his relationship with his grandparents and calling me crazy lady. Son said he is not going to go back to 3rd year of college becaue of me. 
My family dr said h is abusive and not to return. Son and his live in gf are so rude to me, the house is so poisonous. 
But all I do is cry and want to die. After h's affair I had him kicked out for 6 weeks and let him back. NOW he is the good guy and I am the mom who left. Again.
The pain is too great. 
H is texting me constantly for me to come home. Saying he loves me and will do anything to work it out.
My MD, and the abused women's shelter said not to go back. but part of me loves him and can't live without the security. I failed when I left last time, I lost 40 lbs and went into depression. 
But we only get along when I agree with him, otherwise the blame and shame starts.
I know people are sick of my whining.
I have a chance to buy a condo in our neighbourhood, but when I left last year due to his verbal abuse I only lasted 5 months and came crawling home, in a weaker position than when I left.
God I hate how weak I am. 
I let him take everything from me, my home, my kids, my job (I am too depressed to work), my family...he alienated them from me years and years ago. 
I'm so afraid to be alone, I have to decide whether to buy the condo by the end of the week.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Jesus God, Indie, this sounds awful. 

Do you love this man or not?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yes, but the love is not worth the abuse and stalking. I have to remind my self that love should not make a person mentally and physically ill. 

The calls and texting are not stopping. He's 'terribly worried about my mental state'. He's calling my co workers trying to see if I'm working. He texted me that our dd has some kind of trouble and I texted her and she said she had a fine day.

My MD thinks that if I get the condo in our neighbourhood he will come by all the time and drive my depression down so deep that I will crawl back. My MD wants me to stay with my mother at least a half year, but I need to see my dd and she needs to get out of the nut house.

I'm on an antidepressant now, I pray to God for help with the depression/anxiety he's caused me. 

But little does he knows, I changed my POA so if I end up in the hosptial my Mother and Sister have the key, not him!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Have you consulted an attorney? Please cancel all or any credit cards in your name. Have them issue you replacements with diffent numbers also drop them as authorized users. Same with back accounts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Indie, I am sorry you are hurting so much from all of this.

The first thing to realize is that you are not crazy! Stressed, yes. Not crazy.

I am leaning strongly towards listening to your doc. From this distance I would agree that living in the neighborhood will only make it easy for H to keep contact with you.

You should also talk to a lawyer to get an idea of what your legal rights are today and what they would be if you move away or get divorced, etc. Many lawyers will give a free 10 or 15 minute consult where you can get some basic questions answered.

Are you seeing a counselor? I think you should if you are not. It is good to have a real live in person advisor whose only loyalty is to you.

Is it your regular MD who is prescribing the anti-dep? They are usually not well trained in psych issues, so getting another opinion might be useful just to be sure you are on the right med(s). A therapist would be a good choice, so there is another reason to see a counselor of some sort.

I'm guessing there are some childhood or Family of Origin (FOO) issues which are keeping you from being able to break from your husband. You have the right to your own happiness, and you are not responsible for the feelings of others such as your husband or son. You don't have to sacrifice your happiness or your life. It is ok for you to seek your own happiness and path in life, even if other people are unhappy with your choices.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Get to individual counseling. You need that more than anything right now. And get your daughter back before she learns this is acceptable behavior for her to endure from a mate.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

You and your kids DO NOT need to be around that. I agree with staying at your parents for a bit...that way you have a support system right there. I also feel that you need to contact a lawyer asap. This is one heck of a toxic relationship, and its something you should not be near. You need to be as strong as possible through all this. We are all here to help you and support you through this.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I really want the condo, so my dd can visit me there. I am very confused about it. 
I saw a counselor and she thought we could work it out with therapy. I doubt it, people don't change. I am switching counselors as I can't see how she can think he can change at this point. 

I could stay at the condo when dd vists and stay at my parents when she isn't that way I don't have to be alone. My mom wants me to get the condo so i have my own space and gradually integrate into it. But dd will want to move in part time with me and I have to be able to handle it. I have several friends who would spend the night with me when dd isn't there, but they may get weary of that. 

When dd was at my parents for those few days he came over and called constantly anyway, so no matter where I live as long as dd is with me he will be on us. I'll have to learn to handle this whereever I go, otherwise I'll never get my dd with me. And if I stay with my folks much longer school will start and she will be stuck in that house. If I stay at my folks I don't get to see my dd. My 'home' is so toxic that I cannot visit dd there, son is so very hostile against me and so is his live in gf. 

He cries and begs when I see him in person begging me not to divorce him. But I can't see his behavior ever improving. 

Dd will not come to my parents, dad is dying and she can't bear it. I need to offer her a place with me. 

Hoping the new antidepressant helps, really hoping. If I could just get stronger somehow.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Yes, but the love is not worth the abuse and stalking. I have to remind my self that love should not make a person mentally and physically ill.


Indiecat -- write this out and carry it with you at all times. When he calls you or texts you, instead of answering him, pull this out and read it. 

He does not love you. He may say he does, but you are right -- his actions are not loving. They are abusive and controlling and manipulative. 

I know you are afraid of being lonely. This fear seems to outweigh everything else: what his behavior is doing to your mental and physical heath, how it's affecting your daughter, etc. If you can get into therapy, this would seem to be one of the first things to work on. Otherwise, you may get fed up enough to leave from time to time, but you have already predicted that you would go right back to him.

Please do you absolute best to start detaching from him. Start making boundaries that you will only deal with him by email or text, and only about things to do with your children. 

You know in your gut that he won't change. So in order to literally save yourself, it is imperative that you start detaching from him as much as possible, while working on becoming stronger as your own person. If you don't think you have the strength to do it for yourself, do it for your daughter. She is learning by watching you. 

I'm sure you would not want her to be treated this way by a partner. You need to get to the point where you believe that you and she deserve better than the way he and your son are treating you.

I know it looks very black right now, but it will not always be like this. Things got worse over time, and it can go the other way, too. Once you start having a few 'successes,' you'll find that you will feel a little bit better and stronger. Don't give up, indiecat!!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, I have to decide about the condo, I think that is what's making me more upset, but I have to start a new plan. 
My mom has said she will help me every step of the way, but dad is dying and I feel guilty with leaning on her. 
The MD said not to get the condo, but dd wants it so bad and wants to be with me. And I can't wait another 6 to 12 months at mom's, though he may be right as he sees how wrecked and vulnerable I am.
thanks to everyone, I will work on the fear of being lonely, being alone triggers a panic attack


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What is your relationship with the MD? Is this a regular doc or is it a close friendship? Or is it a psychiatrist who is providing some counseling?

The reason I ask is that I tend to think it is good to seriously consider his/her opinion if he is a friend or providing counseling. But if he/she is not very deeply informed about your situation then they are not so much of a consideration.

I think a highly valuable question is "What do YOU want?". And you have stated quite clearly what you want. I believe you have said you want out of the house, you want to have a place close to your daughter, and you want to be away from your H and S21.

It sounds to me like the condo is a pretty good option. The question is whether this specific condo is a good answer. You sound stressed about deciding, which makes me wonder if the time pressure is causing the stress. Is there some reason you have to decide immediately on this one condo? Would there be other similar options? Perhaps other condos, renting an apartment, or buying a small house?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Your mom has offered to help, accept that. Don't feel guilty about that. Take the help. She'll have to help your dad too, so don't rely on it, but accept from her what you need help with.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The condo is available for aug 15, in time for school to start IF i get to share custody which he will no doubt fight. Plus I would like to give my folks a break from me. I hated being alone but could integrate slowly. 
The MD knows what a manipulative man my h is and worries he'll suck me in if I'm close.
I'll have to really do some thinking.

thanks


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