# When do you know it's time to call it quits



## Peaches6189 (Jun 21, 2011)

:scratchhead::scratchhead:My husband and I have been married for 22 years. I was 19 and he was 20 when we married. Our personalities are very different; he is extremely introverted and I am more extroverted. I became the caregiver for our family and ended up doing pretty much everything for my husband and 2 daughters. He was very close with our oldest daughter, but tended to shut me and our younger daughter out. I kept telling him we needed to spend time together, but he always said there would be time for that later. Last October he came home and told me that he had been talking to a woman at work, who was a former marriage counselor. I did not know this woman, but apparently they had become good friends. He told her that he felt completely disconnected from me and she advised him to start making some changes; have date nights with me, fung shui our bedroom, etc... I thought it was strange that he would talk to someone else about our marriage, but agreed to try making some changes. We tried talking, after a few false starts went out to dinner, and eventually settled on a Sunday morning breakfast date, but he seemed very distracted and sometimes angry. He told me he wanted to put a time limit on things. Eventually I discovered that he and this same woman were exchanging texts and phone calls constantly. When I confronted him, he said she was his best friend, but that he had never cheated on me with her, as they did not have that kind of relationship. We tried going to a counselor, but only made it through a couple of sessions. Then he found his own counselor who he said was recommended by a guy at work that was going through a divorce. Eventually he told me that he realized that he had always depended on someone else to take care of him and he had never had a life of his own and he needed to find himself. He said he didn't like who he was and wanted to make some changes, in order to be happy. On St. Patricks Day, he told me that his counselor recommended he move out and live on his own for a while; which he did. He asked me to be patient and told me it would only be for 30 days, 60 days tops. I have seen a lot of changes in him and can tell that he is much happier, kinder, more supportive, etc... I appreciate all of the changes he has made and am glad that he is doing well. My daughters, who are 15 and 20, have struggled with the change, as have I. On the one hand I am happy for him, on the other I feel sad and scared. The initial 60 days came and went. He asked for another 30 days, which I gave him. Now it looks like he is no closer to moving home than he was before. I have told him that I don't believe he is going to be ready to move home at the end of the month and he did not disagree. He says he has been thinking about it, but doesn't know if he is ready yet. At this point, I feel I have been more than considerate and need to start making some choices about what to do next. He agrees that I have been extremely patient, but wants me to wait longer until he can figure out what he wants to do. Emotionally, I don't know if I can. I have had a lot of trouble concentrating at work, sleeping, trying to keep up with the house/bills/etc... I just don't know what to do at this point. I feel so lonely and overwhelmed. Do I move forward and file for a divorce or should I give him more time, with no definite end in sight? I am concerned about how it would affect my daughters. Only two members of our family even know what is going on. I just never imagined we would end up like this. Any advice would be appreciated.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Is he cheating with that woman with you in reserve?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AnAvgDude (Jun 20, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Is he cheating with that woman with you in reserve?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


+1. I do not feel that a spouse should be talking to a co-worker or anyone of the opposite sex about his marital situation. It is the first step towards cheating. Yep, that's what happen to my wife. Watch out.


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## Peaches6189 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thanks ClipClop an AnAvgDude. The thing is that I just don't know. He says he has never physically cheated on me, but I feel like just talking to her about us is emotionally cheating. Every time his phone rings or he gets a text, I can feel myself tense up. On Monday evening, I decided to go up to where he is staying to talk to him and he wasn't there. When I called him he said he was on the other side of town grabbing something to eat. This is really out of character for him and it made me very suspicious. I don't know if I am just being paranoid or if something is going on. I need help to decide what to do next. Any thoughts would be appreciated as I have never participated in any forums like this. I am so confused.


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## Peaches6189 (Jun 21, 2011)

At one point, he actually called me by her name in the middle of the night. I asked him why he had done it and at first he told me that he had been dreaming about hanging out with his sister. His sister has the same name as the OW. Later he told me that he had really been thinking about the something work related and that is why he said her name. This actually happened twice, but he still denies to this day that there was anything going on.

He says he does not talk to her about anything personal anymore and he never mentions her around me. When I first confronted him with it in January, he agreed that he should not have confided in her that way and that he would not have liked it if I had done something like that. He said he told her how I felt and that they could not continue to talk that way or be close friends. They do still work in the same place, but he says they have limited contact and only discuss work. He says she has been actively searching for another job for a long time, but has not found one yet. 

Shortly after our talk, he had to travel out of town for work. He had several problems while he was traveling and at one point he got lost. He was so overwhelmed that he had a panic attack and had to pull over on the side of the road. I could tell from talking to him how much it had shaken him up. He told me that he had a late flight and would not be home until around 11 PM, but he arrived home earlier than expected. When I was doing laundry I found his ticket stub and realized he had actually landed a lot earlier than he told me. At first he said he had just gotten on standby, but had gone to the bookstore and hung out before he got home. Later he confessed that he had still been pretty shaken up from his panic attack and had met with her at a local fast food restaurant to talk about it since she had been a counselor before and he needed advice on coping.

I told him I was not OK with him talking to her and reminded him that if he needed to talk to someone it should be me or if he needed couseling he should seek out a professional. He does see an older male counselor now, and that person is the one who suggested he get his own place for a while.

Right now I am trying to decide whether or not to continue with our current status. He is living in a studio apartment about a half an hour away. He calls me several times a day and is much more responsive and attentive than he has been in years. I know he is trying to make changes in himself to be a better person and I want to support him. I have worked hard to support him through all of this because I really want him to be happy. I love him very much, but am wondering if I am just fooling myself. I have no real way of knowing what he is doing when we are not together and I do not think I can just continue to live my life in limbo never knowing when or even if we will ever be together again. 

At what point should I draw the line and say no more? I have no plans to issue an ultimatum, as I do not believe that would be the right thing to do. I want him to be happy and if it's not going to me, then we both need to accept it and move on. He says he believes we can be together long term, that he does not see himself with anyone else, and that he now considers me his best friend. Yet he still says he isn't ready to move home yet. He says he is going through a mid-life crisis and just needs to get himself together mentally and emotionally. 

What do I do? Should I continue to be supportive and if so, for how long? Do I draw the line and say it is time for us both to move on and wish him well? HELP! I don't know what to do.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Okay, he moved out and you are still doing his laundry? That's just wrong. Is he basically just on a "camp out" or really moved out? 

An attorney in my counsin's law firm once gave me a good piece of advice, and I believe it applies here. She said when a spouse moves out of the family home it's to have more freedom. Once you figure out what the "freedom" is from, you'll have more answers. I really wouldn't rule out that he is seeing someone. At this point you can't rule that out either. Do you ever show up to his place unannounced?


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## Peaches6189 (Jun 21, 2011)

827Aug Thanks so much for the advice. He says he never got the chance to be on his own since we got married so young. He went from high school to the military, then married me. He feels like he kind of missed the chance to figure out who he really was and what he really wanted to be.

Just to clarify - The laundry thing happened before he moved out. He does it himself now. He often asks me to meet up with him for dinner or lunch, but never asks me to do anything for him when I am with him. In fact, he goes out of his way to let me choose what I want to do, where we go, etc... 

As for showing up unannounced, I did that on Monday evening around 7:30 and he was not there. I called and texted him and when he responded a few minutes latere he said he was grabbing a pizza on the other side of town at a restaurant we have never been to and had been shopping. He came back and did have a shopping bag with him. However, I still felt suspicious, as he usually doesn't like to go places after working all day. 

He just keeps asking me to be patient and give him more time, but can't tell me for how long. Every month, he says he needs more time.

So confused :scratchhead:


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