# When friends disrespect your spouse



## AnonymousBerg

My husband has a life long friend, whom I've always accepted and supported. 

ABOUT THE FRIEND:

This friend is an alcoholic as well as a drug addict who enjoys his lifestyle and has no desire to change. 

He impregnated an at-risk teenager, who was half his age- He abused this girl and she finally left him. She claims she had to leave her child behind for her and her child's safety. (She has no family and is living in a bad situation while she saves for a proper arrangement) 

This friend consistently borrows money from us, never repays and eventually works it off by helping with projects around our farm or business. 

He started a fight with teenagers in his hometown which resulted in him being stabbed in our family friendly business. 

THE SITUATION: 

Last spring this friend came to spend a night with his daughter. He abruptly left to "attend to an emergency at his apartment" , leaving his daughter behind. He didn't return until the following day, and gave us no word that he wouldn't return. (I didn't sleep, was worried about him and concerned that I had to lie to his daughter about his whereabouts) When he returned (11AM), my husband and I were already taking the kids for a walk to a nearby pond. He grabbed several cans of beer and joined in the walk, during which he pounded all of the beer- one after another. He disappeared to smoke weed to elevate his buzz.. Again, leaving his daughter in my care. 

When we returned from our walk, the children began to play, my husband and I worked in our vegetable garden and the friend drank more until he passed out on our hammock. The children's play led them behind our home and out of our view. My husband went to ask the kids to play within our view.. I noticed he was taking longer than expected to corral the kids so I went to help. When I made my way to the back yard I found the friend's child alone, crying and covered in dirt and mud, including her eyes- the kids had decided to turn our container garden into body paint, using water from our coy pond. I hollered to the friend who was unresponsive, on the hammock and proceeded to grab my hose to clean his child. Her reaction to this was as you can expect, loud and the friend slept on.. My husband roused him and he awoke to his screaming, wet child. He stripped her naked and practically threw her in the car and left. The following he sent a text wanting to get to the bottom of why I abused his daughter and disciplined her with the hose. It was the last straw for me.. Having actually been abused as a child, I was very hurt by his allegations. I responded saying he was out of line and his angry, profane texts continued to accumulate in my inbox. I called him to better communicate but all of my calls were unanswered. I made it clear that I didn't want to associate with this person any longer(I never really liked him) and that my husband should keep his friendship elsewhere. 

Now almost a year later- my husband has a standing weekly get together with this friend, plays games on his phone with this friend and shares texts and phone calls in the open. I now feel disrespected by my husband and it's a creeping issue that I have communicated to him. I have told my husband that his continued friendship with someone who accused me of child abuse hurts my feelings and leaves me feeling slighted by my husband. To me this friend is not a friend but rather a free-loading waste of time.. I won't to say "You can't be friends" but I sure would have appreciated it if my husband would come to this conclusion on his own. 

How do I navigate this? Am I being overly sensitive? WWYD?


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## JustTired

I would have a huge problem with my husband if he continued a friendship with a guy who disrespected me in that manner. That guy is definitely not a friend to the marriage. Unfortunately, you have a husband problem & not a friend problem. Your husband should have never allowed his friend to text you those obscenities, he should have nipped that in the bud immediately before it even came to that.

I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately, your husband is not showing you the loyalty you need from him. Have you tried talking to him about it? What is his reaction when you have?

If a female friend of mine sent my husband a bunch of obscenities via text, she would get cursed out by me & blocked forever. But unfortunately, your husband doesn't thinks that way.


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## DoF

I did not read your post, I don't feel that I need to and can answer your question rather quickly.

Friend that disrespects your spouse OR is not a friend of your marriage is NOT A FRIEND.

Your husband needs to recognize this ASAP! Help him and keep at it (it might take months/years).


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## vms

The friend is not the problem. Your husband thinking this guy is someone who should ever be near you or him is the problem.


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## ChristianGrey

Would give a right slap... if physical violence is not illegal in that part of the world.


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## vms

I'll also add that you, yourself, are part of the problem, for making the choice to stay with someone who allows someone else to abuse you.


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## UMP

I had an old college friend similar to your husbands friend. Not quite as bad, but still a freeloading bum. I kept him as a friend for probably 30 years. He lives out of town and I would see him maybe once or twice a year. My wife would always try to wake me up and give me reality tidbits here and there about how unhealthy my friend was for our relationship.
After 30 years I finally heeded her advice and have not spoken to him in 2 or 3 years.

When they talk on the phone, meet etc. Talk to your husband about his encounters and tell him how unhealthy you think his "friend" is for him and your relationship. In time, he should eventually "get" it.


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## Yeswecan

The friend is not a friend. He is a freeloader and user. Your H should have supported you when the blowhard started texting expletives to your phone. The friendship cut at that exact moment. However, your H did not react that minute. Your H put the friendship before your marriage. Fail. Advise your H your feelings about the entire matter. Let him work on how to handle it.


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## AnonymousBerg

Wow, thanks for the quick response. In every other regard my husband is respectful and we have an open marriage, where we typically discuss our issues and find a mutually acceptable solution. He is otherwise responsive to my word and considerate of my feelings. 

We own three businesses which doesn't leave a lot of free time for creating and building friendships, so I've let their friendship slide. I always found their relationship unhealthy and secretly wished the friend would be incarcerated... for goodness sake! Their friendship has existed longer than I have been alive and during their 33year friendship each of my in-laws have outspokenly protested their friendship. My husband won't deny the friend is indecent and that they have nothing in common otherwise but he feels he owes it to him to be a confidant, as the friend's family is dysfunctional. 

The kicker for me, as I had stated is that my own family was rampant with dysfunction far worse than his friend's. My mother is a drug addict, abused and abandoned her children- I have worked very hard to rise from my situation and am quite driven from it. I would never associate with this friend as I have disconnected from my own toxic family to better myself. I've had cancer, learned a lot about life and now lack tolerance for people who waste their gift of life. 

I was upset by their interaction this morning, found this site and decided to seek help. My husband is aware I posted this and why; I wanted to see if either I was allowing my ego to become scorned or if my complaint was warranted. PLUS I want my husband to wake up and see how abusive this "friend" is to HIM. 

I'll share your feedback - Thanks for confirming what I believed all along.


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## AnonymousBerg

I should add my Husband did furiously respond to his inappropriate texts, they didn't speak for a bit BUT as a lot of us know, the users always return if the bridge is not burned.


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## JustTired

AnonymousBerg said:


> I should add my Husband did furiously respond to his inappropriate texts, they didn't speak for a bit BUT as a lot of us know, the users always return if the bridge is not burned.


More like the users always return when the bridge is rebuilt for them ;-)


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## Yeswecan

JustTired said:


> More like the users always return when the bridge is rebuilt for them ;-)


:iagree:


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## that.girl

I totally agree with your reaction to the friend and his behavior. But, that being said -

You told your husband that he could keep his friend, but you didn't want to associate with him. It sounds like your husband has done that. Now you don't want your husband to associate with the friend at all, but it sounds like you haven't told him that. I know you don't want to say "don't be friends with him." But it's not fair to your husband if you don't say it, and just expect him to know it.

Tell your husband what you want, in clear terms. Decide whether you want him to keep the friendship away from you, or end it. It sounds like he's still going with your initial statement of "I don't like him, so keep him away from me."


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## Methuselah

AnonymousBerg said:


> My husband has a life long friend, whom I've always accepted and supported.
> 
> ABOUT THE FRIEND:
> 
> This friend is an alcoholic as well as a drug addict who enjoys his lifestyle and has no desire to change.


I read this far and stopped. Reading anything further is pointless.

If you associate with scum, you have no reason to complain when they treat you like everyone else they associate with in their lives.

You need to adjust your definitions of who you will and will not "accept and support" in your life.


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## NextTimeAround

Here in the UK, you can't just leave your kids with some friend. They have to have CRB checks or something like that. If a friend or "friend" were to leave their child with me, I would report it to the police.


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## Pooh Bear

Wow, your husband's friend is a mess. I wouldn't take his accusations to heart, he is the one who is exposing his daughter to drug addiction and alcoholism. I feel sorry for his daughter. 

I would probably just not worry if they play video games together. Just as long as the guy doesn't come over to your house. That is the most important part.


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## Pooh Bear

JustTired said:


> I would have a huge problem with my husband if he continued a friendship with a guy who disrespected me in that manner. That guy is definitely not a friend to the marriage. Unfortunately, you have a husband problem & not a friend problem. Your husband should have never allowed his friend to text you those obscenities, he should have nipped that in the bud immediately before it even came to that.
> 
> I can certainly understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately, your husband is not showing you the loyalty you need from him. Have you tried talking to him about it? What is his reaction when you have?
> 
> If a female friend of mine sent my husband a bunch of obscenities via text, she would get cursed out by me & blocked forever. But unfortunately, your husband doesn't thinks that way.


Oh, I didn't notice the part about the texts. That's unacceptable. I'm not sure why he would want to continue to be friends with someone who would do that to his wife.


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## Openminded

And this loser is totally responsible for his young daughter? That's a scary thought. 

As for your husband -- he needs to let the user/loser go.


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## NotLikeYou

vms said:


> The friend is not the problem. Your husband thinking this guy is someone who should ever be near you or him is the problem.





vms said:


> I'll also add that you, yourself, are part of the problem, for making the choice to stay with someone who allows someone else to abuse you.





Methuselah said:


> I read this far and stopped. Reading anything further is pointless.
> 
> If you associate with scum, you have no reason to complain when they treat you like everyone else they associate with in their lives.
> 
> You need to adjust your definitions of who you will and will not "accept and support" in your life.


AnonymousBerg, you say that you have worked hard to distance yourself from your family, who are all badly messed up.

If you are tolerating your husband having a BFF who is a drug addict, you aren't as far away from your family as you think. Same kind of screwed up person, adversely affecting your life.

You have kids, a nice life, and 3 businesses together. I don't think divorce is in order, but you did a bad job of picking husbands. I'm sure he's a really nice guy and also quite stupid, having a friend like that.

Re-read Methuselah's post. That slimy sensation you're feeling? That comes from your husband and his friend.

So what do you intend to do to remove this bad person (hubby's BFF) from your life?


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