# Almost 3 mos post d-day- getting worse?



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

I have posted my story before. D-day was Feb 1, caught her in a 3 yr affair, Married 9- 2 kids.

She has worked hard, NC, changed jobs, counseling, NC with all who knew, trying to do all the little things. But my issue as my counselor puts it i that I am looking for her to fix it, which of course she can't. She can only do what she can now. I think I want her to put the genie back in the bottle, which is not going to happen.

I am really struggling trying to fix me without getting so pissed at her. Not to say she doesn't deserve it, but if I keep beating her up at some point she will break. IDK, part of it i believing what I have been told and living with the constant fear/ expectation that there is more I don't know. She claims to have come totally clean, but how can we know when we get all the truth? Our MC suggested I ask her to submit to a poly. Not sure about that, but WW said she would.

I want our marriage to survive, but sometimes I feel I am the one holding our R back. Then I just get mad at her again for putting us in this situation.

This sucks!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Whats wrong with a poly?
Dude I'd go for it, whats it going to do, make it worse?
I see it as a tool to help you heal, if it doesn't work try some thing else.
Until you can look in the mirror and say to your self you have tried EVERYTHING! Well then try everything damb it!


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are only 3 months in to what will be a good 2 to 3 year process. Stop beating yourself up and stop beating her up. You are building a whole new marriage. The old one is dead. You can't go back. So concentrate on the good things she is doing and reward her for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I kinda disagree with the MC/IC. I think it's her choice to help you heal from her adultory, and she must continue to do more if she wants to keep you around. The counselor IMHO should be giving her more tools and teaching her how to do this.

Your marriage on the other hand is something you both work on as a team. And with that the MC gives you the tools and teaches the both of you how to have healthy marriage.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are less than 2 months out from discovery of a 3 year affair and your emotions, resentment, and anger are still there. No kidding!!! This is totally normal. You have not had time to wrap your mind around what she has done and what her thinking was at the time. You are probably thinking how could it have gone on so long and you failed to see it. Part of you is blaming yourself and the other part is blaming her. All totally normal.

Plus in the back of your mind you have the doubt that she actually wants the marriage to survive and you are questioning why YOU feel the need to rebuild a marriage with someone who betrayed you so totally and for so long.

Don't over think where you are now and what you are feeling. It is way to early to think that any of these feelings should be fading. You have to have time to deal with everything - and at the moment, it is a lot.

So - one day at a time my man, one day at a time.

In 6 months or so if you are not in a better place emotionally,(not recovered, but at least feeling better about yourself and your relationship with her) then it may be time to start thinking about pulling the plug. You may or may not be able to personally accept what she has done to you and your family and move past it. You could decide that you really don't want her as a wife.

Bottom line is that the discovery, pain, and resentment is far too fresh to start wondering why you still are in emotional turmoil.


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

3 years?

good grief


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it takes time. And 3 months is not much time. This is a long process. If your wife is doing everything that she needs to do, you simply must have the patience to allow yourself to heal.
If you think that she is not doing everything that you ask and need her to do, this healing is stalled.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If your MC is suggesting a poly, I think you should take them up on that. They are trying to help you heal and they think that this will help.

I think your fear that there is more to it really is hurting R; what happens is, your body and mind are remaining in a hyper-vigilant state, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and it's exhausting.

I was lucky, I found a cache of emails on my husband's work computer that he thought he'd deleted long ago, spanning the entire life of the affair post DD#1. It did reveal some additional very important things, I wish he had been strong enough to come clean on those by himself.

But finding them in front of him had a powerful effect: his remorse poured out before me for the first time. By the next day he'd visibly relaxed. He had been living with this hyper-vigilance too, fearful I'd find out that once last bit of information and how I would handle it.

I was very angry by that last revelation (it was that he had maintained the EA throughout our 6+ months of MC post DD#1). One thing that helped me a lot was sending him an email that spelled out all my feelings.

He was able to write to me a response that finally said the things I wanted to hear. It is something worth trying, for those in R. Just having him finally say what he needed to say, owning up to it all, it allowed me to let go of the worst of the fury.

Once my emotions started to back off, he has been more and more remorseful ever since. My IC said this would happen; she said that until my emotions ebbed, he was too busy trying to keep me together to be able to express his feelings of regret.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Three months is nothing. This takes alot of time. Even at seven months out I'm still reeling. I'm not crying as much, it's just a very slow process. At least it's been for me. And I still worry there is more I don't know about, how can we not feel that way after being kept in the dark so long?!? I'm reconsidering having him do a poly, too. So your MC actually recommended it? Mine had more the attitude I didn't need to know any more. Easy for her, it eats at me. Good luck.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Think of it this way, she spent 12x more time living her parallel life and ruining your marriage than you trying to put broken pieces together. 

Don't beat yourself too hard, do it at your pace.


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

3 years isn't an affair, it's a second marriage!


----------



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

the guy said:


> I kinda disagree with the MC/IC. I think it's her choice to help you heal from her adultory, and she must continue to do more if she wants to keep you around. The counselor IMHO should be giving her more tools and teaching her how to do this.
> 
> Your marriage on the other hand is something you both work on as a team. And with that the MC gives you the tools and teaches the both of you how to have healthy marriage.


In one sense I agree. If there is something she is not doing that would help heal him then he should demand she do it. On the other hand if she is already doing everything she can do then the OP has to find a way to deal with his feelings. A poly is a good idea if he thinks he hasn't received the entire story. But if the trouble is that he wants her to just make it all go away that isn't going to happen. Like Bandit said, its a new marriage. You have to look at what she is doing now and appreciate that she is doing everything she can to atone.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you expose the affair? Is is she terrified that you would?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> *Whats wrong with a poly?*
> Dude I'd go for it, whats it going to do, make it worse?
> *I see it as a tool to help you heal,* if it doesn't work try some thing else.
> Until you can look in the mirror and say to your self you have tried EVERYTHING! Well then try everything damb it!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Are you afraid that you wont find anything more in POLY? so that you resent her more and be angry at her?


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

slater,

I know where you are, where you've been, and where your heading.

My wife was in and out of 3 different PA over a 6+ year period before I "finally" had real proof and got a real admission of her betrayal. From your posts, it appears that your wife is doing "all the right things" to reclaim you and your marriage. I'm approaching 3 years since dday. My own wife has done everything to help me rebuild some form of trust in her and our broken marriage. 

First, as other have said... you are only 3 months in. What you are experiencing is full force Blunt Trauma to head with PTSS lingering in your reasoning and feelings towards her and yourself.

It's a crazy c0cktail of anger, hurt, stupidity, worthlessness, fear all mixed together. The ride is long and hard and there is no short cut. Regardless of R or not, you must endure the ride on the crazy train. And as my counselor inform me... It takes as long as it takes. Thanks for that $75.00/hour wisdom. "Your Welcome". 

Final word of caution, Deep down you want to know, is there more? In a word, YES! There is always more, you will never know everything.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

My concern would be if she is doing for her social image and scared out of being exposed to her social circle(Friends, family and coworkers). 3 year is too long for an affair.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

RWB said:


> Final word of caution, Deep down you want to know, is there more? In a word, YES! There is always more, you will never know everything.


This sat with me all night after I read that. How did you come to grips with that? You're three years out and you still feel that way. If they never came completely clean doesn't that mean you aren't in true R? Isn't part of R owning up to everything you did? I mean, if they're still keeping things from you aren't they still lying by omission? I don't know whether to continue to push, try to go the poly route again or how to just give up on it. It's very hard.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> This sat with me all night after I read that. How did you come to grips with that? You're three years out and you still feel that way. If they never came completely clean doesn't that mean you aren't in true R? Isn't part of R owning up to everything you did? I mean, if they're still keeping things from you aren't they still lying by omission? I don't know whether to continue to push, try to go the poly route again or how to just give up on it. It's very hard.


OP isn't 3 years out, he is 3 months out. His wife's affair was 3yrs long.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> OP isn't 3 years out, he is 3 months out. His wife's affair was 3yrs long.


I was referring to RWB's comment about himself.


----------



## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I was referring to RWB's comment about himself.


Oops, sorry.


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

We had a good night this weekend. We got a little drunk and had an open talk. Usually these lead to a big fight but this time it didn't. I took it as a good sign. She finally started sharing her feelings about it, nothing that rattled my cage but good dialog. This roller coaster is one helluva ride. 

FYI I did expose already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why would you wish to remain in a marriage where your wife has been screwing another man behind your back for 3 years? The past 3 years of your marriage and your life has been one big lie. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife?


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Question for the group regarding this situation. The normal "recovery" time is 2-5 years. Does that lengthen even more in OP's case, given the affair was THREE YEARS LONG?

Or is it really just the fact of infidelity that affects the the length of recovery time. In OP's case, it may stay with him much longer than 2-5 years, and thus, he should really figure out if that's what he wants to do.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Wow, a 3 yr LTA. That takes a long time for her to disengage from, the withdrawal taking quite a few months. Only 3 months from DDay, so he's definitely in the anger stage now, which can last for a long time. If she's doing the heavy lifting, she should be able to bear it.


----------



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Question for the group regarding this situation. The normal "recovery" time is 2-5 years. Does that lengthen even more in OP's case, given the affair was THREE YEARS LONG?
> 
> Or is it really just the fact of infidelity that affects the the length of recovery time. In OP's case, it may stay with him much longer than 2-5 years, and thus, he should really figure out if that's what he wants to do.


I read something somewhere about the length of the deception and how that factors into the recovery time. I was kept in the dark for ten years form a ONS. I think it was three years recovery for every year of deception. That means thirty years for me. :rofl:


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Good points about the length of the affair. I don't know what to think. He lived in another state so they saw each other infrequently, particularly over the last year. I think they were together twice in the last year. He had quit the company and changed jobs. They did talk but not every week. I may be getting BSed on all of this and I know that. But she claims it had run its course and she was looking for a way out. She was consumed with guilt and had convinced herself that exposure would leave no option other than D. She was slowly eroding in this limbo and felt like she had no way out. IDk if this is true, but it seems plausible. I try to judge her now by her actions and so far they seem legitimate. But of course I have my doubts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

slater said:


> Good points about the length of the affair. I don't know what to think. He lived in another state so they saw each other infrequently, particularly over the last year. I think they were together twice in the last year. He had quit the company and changed jobs. They did talk but not every week. I may be getting BSed on all of this and I know that. But she claims it had run its course and she was looking for a way out. She was consumed with guilt and had convinced herself that exposure would leave no option other than D. She was slowly eroding in this limbo and felt like she had no way out. IDk if this is true, but it seems plausible. I try to judge her now by her actions and so far they seem legitimate. But of course I have my doubts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You will have doubts the rest of your life. That is the gift she has given you. You will always have to second guess and stay vigilant. This is why I am no longer a big proponent of R. 

She needs to prove to you that she appreciates the gift of forgiveness you have given her. If she does not, show her the door.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

slater said:


> Good points about the length of the affair. I don't know what to think. He lived in another state so they saw each other infrequently, particularly over the last year. I think they were together twice in the last year. He had quit the company and changed jobs. They did talk but not every week. I may be getting BSed on all of this and I know that. But she claims it had run its course and she was looking for a way out. She was consumed with guilt and had convinced herself that exposure would leave no option other than D. She was slowly eroding in this limbo and felt like she had no way out. IDk if this is true, but it seems plausible. I try to judge her now by her actions and so far they seem legitimate. But of course I have my doubts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband's EA was a bit like yours. His was long-term, too.

It shocked me how long his was compared to most people's, and I raked him over the coals for a while because of it, but I also think it was due to infrequent contact.

Like you I will never know the full truth, but I've read well over 100 emails at this point that I found (not that he showed me) that cover the majority of the time.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

slater,
I'm picking up what your putting down, often other see the length of an affair especially a LTA as its going on every day for years were in my experience there are...well in my case years of "be straight" (for lack of a better term) and it sound like in your case even though it was 3 yrs and it was long distance, there is a certian degree the affair has on the wayward...IMHO

My thinking is a spouse can have an affair with a local AP and have it for a few month and slept with the AP 12 times, were as a LTA with a large distance involved and the the wayward and AP still could have *only* slept together 12 times.

Is either case is it less painful....no, but my perspective here is to clarify that 3 yrs or 3 months it all the same. One isn't any different then the other.

Now let talk about a 13 yr old affair with 20 OM no that some sh!t...isn't?


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Slater if it was infrequent, but survived him moving jobs etc, how can you or even she know that she won't decide to get some in six months or a year?

I ask this not to be negative, but to prompt you to get her to answer it and to put in place what you will do to detect it if it happens, and what plan you will enact when it happen? Work though these questions now brier she clams up and no longer wants to talk about it.

Edited to fix up bad spelling from iPad typing,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I find your wife's story believable. After three years, she was starting to have the same feeling for the other man as she did for you: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." The butterflies in the stomach were gone, she lost that "in love" feeling. Like a boyfriend/girlfriend that had been together three years, what was the next step? Both leaving their spouses and getting engaged? If they weren't both ready for the next step, the affair was doomed to die out. Affairs do run their course eventually, especially if the cheaters don't want to end their marriages.


----------



## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

wow a 3 year affair?just sooo wow!


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I find your wife's story believable. After three years, she was starting to have the same feeling for the other man as she did for you: "I love you but I'm not in love with you." The butterflies in the stomach were gone, she lost that "in love" feeling. Like a boyfriend/girlfriend that had been together three years, what was the next step? Both leaving their spouses and getting engaged? If they weren't both ready for the next step, the affair was doomed to die out. Affairs do run their course eventually, especially if the cheaters don't want to end their marriages.


This is precisely what happened in my husband's case. His emails and texts (that I found, not that he showed me) bore this out. The intensity was gone.

I confronted the OW after DD#2 (not generally recommend for about a 1,000 reasons). One of the things she said that I get a chuckle over was that she found my WS "infuriating" and she didn't know how I could live with him. I never bothered to ask what it was that bugged her so--I just nodded. Let her think of him that way. It's my parting gift.

But I'm cautious telling this story because I don't want BSs to get up hope. Long term affairs are no joke.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> But I'm cautious telling this story because I don't want BSs to get up hope. Long term affairs are no joke.


No, they are most certainly not - worst experience in my whole life. My hope is slowly fading, so taking caution is appropriate


----------



## slater (Feb 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Slater if it was infrequent, but survived him moving jobs etc, how can you or even she know that she won't decide to get some in six months or a year?
> 
> I ask this not to be negative, but to prompt you to get her to answer it and to put in place what you will do to detect it if it happens, and what plan you will enact when it happen? Work though these questions now brier she clams up and no longer wants to talk about it.
> 
> ...


This is a very legitimate concern. Add in that she is still traveling for her new job and it is a very dangerous situation. Here is the plan-

1 she has an iPhone now that we own and I see the bill instead of a work BB
2 I am considering adding spy software to it
3 we have a set of travel rules that she helped craft
4 her actions display to me that she is serious about R and knows any tiny slip up will result in D
5 I think he is afraid of me making a mess of his life (exposure to his ER)
6 better communication between us
7 a little faith
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

slater said:


> This is a very legitimate concern. Add in that she is still traveling for her new job and it is a very dangerous situation. Here is the plan-
> 
> 1 she has an iPhone now that we own and I see the bill instead of a work BB
> 2 I am considering adding spy software to it
> ...


I think it is an OK plan. What you might miss, if you haven't done so already, is the one thing I failed to realize and adress in the beginning; Your wife must realize what made her cheat and how she made it acceptable, and then think about how to avoid similar scenarios.

Good luck to you.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

slater said:


> This is a very legitimate concern. Add in that she is still traveling for her new job and it is a very dangerous situation. Here is the plan-
> 
> 1 she has an iPhone now that we own and I see the bill instead of a work BB
> 2 I am considering adding spy software to it
> ...


Our MC told me in front of my husband to install spyware on the phone. He said it was a way for me to control my anxiety and for my husband to prove to me that he is being loyal.

We all know that they can get a burner phone, set up a secret email account and use the computer at the library, etc etc. No one is advocating spying forever or for spying's sake. I know you know just as much as anyone, but some point trust has to come in and take the place of paranoia, or there's really no point in being married to that person any more.

I see this intermediate stage as getting YOU to a place where you can let go of the leash. BSs have their bodies in high vigilance mode, always wondering whether black is white and maybe the moon really is made of cheese. It's a biological defense mechanism and it isn't just going to shut off because you tell it to.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

slater said:


> This is a very legitimate concern. Add in that she is still traveling for her new job and it is a very dangerous situation. Here is the plan-
> 
> 1 she has an iPhone now that we own and I see the bill instead of a work BB
> 2 I am considering adding spy software to it
> ...


Wait - she's protecting her AP? Why haven't you exposed him?


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Wait - she's protecting her AP? Why haven't you exposed him?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

slater,

A good plan in place, 1 item that seems to be missing, and it's the biggie for your sanity and physical health...

This is the it. NO more chances. Any form of inappropriate contact with OM or another. 1 email, 1 phone call, 1 text. It is OVER. 

Does she know without any doubt and have internalized this and made it a reality for you. 

When I did R with my cheating wife, our MC explained this to my wife with me looking and but not speaking. This can't be understated.


----------

