# When roles are reversed in a marriage, will I (the mom) lose my kids?



## zoekat (Jul 8, 2015)

Hi everyone, 

Sorry this is long, here goes.

My husband and I have two young children. When we got married (6 years ago), we both had jobs. Then we both decided to start our own businesses. His business hasn't been successful, so I have been the main breadwinner for the last four years, working full time as a freelancer while my husband takes care of our children. 

The role reversal is causing of a lot of strife in our marriage.

I'm wondering what would happen in a divorce. We're both great parents (I think at least), but since I work, he stays home with the kids, cooks, cleans, etc. He basically has them from when they get up to 5pm, and I have them from 5 until bedtime, sometimes together with him, and sometimes just me. 

I don't know if our problems will lead us to divorce, but we've been in counseling for nine months and our problems seesaw from seemingly getting better to worse. 

Overall, I'm getting tired of living in a marriage where my husband has to have control everything. By that I mean telling me when I'm allowed to work, where I should work, what I need to do when spending time with my children and how to do things, and otherwise just getting angry at me every time I don't agree with his ideas, how I do things, or what I'm doing in general.

I've been honestly letting him get away with this behavior (all the way up to alienating me from my mother and slowly alienating her from her grandkids) because I don't want to fight. I have moderate to severe general anxiety, and even on medication it gets pretty intense when we fight. Even thinking about fighting causes it to overpower the medication.

Our fights are usually pretty irrational. For example, one was because he had been in a bad mood for 2 - 3 weeks due to being sick, and when he got better he yelled at me that I'm being negative all of the time and bringing him down. 

One was over the fact that he wanted me to organize our kids clothes, and he didn't like the fact that I did it by size so they would wear the stuff they were about to grow out of first. He left the house after that one, then came back and talked about all of the things I'm doing wrong.

One was over the fact that I check my work email on my phone a lot. It's a bad habit, but I have customers who will cancel contracts if I don't get back to them within a few hours. The fact that he spends a ton of time playing games on his is ok, but my checking into work email is unacceptable if not during my assigned work hours.

The most recent was over the fact that I have spent a ridiculous amount of time in the past couple of years trying to help get the word out about his business online. I told him everything I was doing along the way, and he really wanted no part in it, although he kept grumbling that he wanted to work more so I could work less. So when he decided all of the sudden he wanted to handle things on his own, he blamed me for doing everything wrong and not telling him anything.

These arguments have all been within the last two months.

I'm willing to keep working on things. But as I said, even after 9 months of counseling, I see positive changes for a few weeks and then things go to hell. But I think I'm really only doing it because I'm terrified I'll lose my kids to him.

So, to get to my main questions...

Would a court give him more custody since he has always spent more time with the kids, leaving me to support him? 

Would a court give me less custody since I have been working full time to support them since they were born, knowing that I usually don't spend as much time with the kids and would need outside help to care for them while working?

As far as property, we both have cars that we're still making payments on and are renting an apartment. Besides common household goods (TVs, etc.) we don't anything of significance to fight over, except our kids of course.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

zoekat your post seems to go in two directions. you spend much time cataloguing the various conflicts you and your husband have. then your brief main questions concern child custody. Do you want advice on trying to salvage the marriage or advice on putting together an exit plan? Perhaps you are just being prudent, exploring options in the case of a divorce. However, once you start down that path it may diminish your efforts to fix the marriage.

On issues of custody, your best advice will come from those who reside in your state since these laws are state specific. A lawyer would be the best source but will cost $ sooner or later (usually sooner). i think all states have the laws and regulations concerning divorce online though it will vary widely how easy it is to decipher the legalese. 

Also much depends on whether you feel it will be an amicable divorce or a contentious one. Obviously an amicable one will make all the questions you have easier to work through. Mine was very amicable, almost like we were just going through any other process like buying a house or working on our taxes. But you will read here of many that were a drive through purgatory for both parties.

So there is no simple answer to your questions. Too many unknowns at this point. As you do get advice from others, I would confirm that with legal eagles in your own locality.

But the real question is, are you still committed to working things out or have you decided to start putting together a concrete exit plan?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is there a reason why he disdains your mother? Was he this way before or after he was the stay at home spouse?

I believe that it tends to be the stay at home spouse that gets majority custody due to the fact that they tend to be more bonded and can there for take better care of the children's needs. Psychologically, it tends to be the general case.

I suggest you seek a lawyer's advice and keep it from your husband to protect yourself. Your goal is to protect your interest first, because the odds of him being fair is statistically low.

It could not hurt to have some consultation and work on the issues at the same time. If you have any issues, like not standing up for yourself, work on that as well. A better you can better handle issues when they arise.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In a perfect world the court would likely award him custody of the kids and ownership of the home and you visitation with the kids and a support decree. That's the way it usually works out for men in your basic situation. In reality, perfection is rarely found on this earth. You are female, he is male. He has the greater statistical probability of being screwed in divorce court. Women get custody over 80% of the time. What state do you live in?


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## zoekat (Jul 8, 2015)

Maneo said:


> zoekat your post seems to go in two directions. you spend much time cataloguing the various conflicts you and your husband have. then your brief main questions concern child custody. Do you want advice on trying to salvage the marriage or advice on putting together an exit plan? Perhaps you are just being prudent, exploring options in the case of a divorce. However, once you start down that path it may diminish your efforts to fix the marriage.
> 
> On issues of custody, your best advice will come from those who reside in your state since these laws are state specific. A lawyer would be the best source but will cost $ sooner or later (usually sooner). i think all states have the laws and regulations concerning divorce online though it will vary widely how easy it is to decipher the legalese.
> 
> ...


I'm mostly confused and starting to research my options. I was really hoping to handle some things in therapy, but our sitter has canceled on us two weeks in a row, so now we've missed our sessions that many weeks in a row. Thanks for the insights!


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## zoekat (Jul 8, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Is there a reason why he disdains your mother? Was he this way before or after he was the stay at home spouse?
> 
> I believe that it tends to be the stay at home spouse that gets majority custody due to the fact that they tend to be more bonded and can there for take better care of the children's needs. Psychologically, it tends to be the general case.
> 
> ...


He never had a problem with her before we had kids. But he's very, very particular about the way he wants things done with them. Even I get in trouble by not doing things the way he wants. My mom did grandma things with them, and that just didn't fly. And one time while she was watching them, one of our kids tripped and fell (something that could happen while anyone is watching them), and since then he doesn't trust her at all. 

Thanks for the advice! A consultation wouldn't hurt I guess.


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## zoekat (Jul 8, 2015)

unbelievable said:


> In a perfect world the court would likely award him custody of the kids and ownership of the home and you visitation with the kids and a support decree. That's the way it usually works out for men in your basic situation. In reality, perfection is rarely found on this earth. You are female, he is male. He has the greater statistical probability of being screwed in divorce court. Women get custody over 80% of the time. What state do you live in?


Arizona.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

zoekat said:


> He never had a problem with her before we had kids. But he's very, very particular about the way he wants things done with them. Even I get in trouble by not doing things the way he wants. My mom did grandma things with them, and that just didn't fly. And one time while she was watching them, one of our kids tripped and fell (something that could happen while anyone is watching them), and since then he doesn't trust her at all.
> 
> Thanks for the advice! A consultation wouldn't hurt I guess.


I find a lot of mothers/dad are very particular about their kids. My W wanted things done her way concerning the kids. No issue for me. Your mom should respect hour H wishes on how to raise the children. Your H spends the entire day with the children. For his day to work smoothly he has what I would say is a schedule. The schedule works for him and best for the kids. He has spent the day working with the kids on behavior and eating habits, etc. So, it is not really peculiar for your H to get upset if another undoes what he has worked on for days in raising the children(child falling down not withstanding) 

I can say my BIL flips if his sister gives his girls a sugary treat. He is crazy with organic eating. Almost to the point he can watch his own kids. 

I would like to say that in your first post you are taking medication to combat your H and the anxiety that appears when heated conversation begins. I'll say it one more time...taking medication because of your H. Does this sound strange to you? It does to me. Perhaps a exit strategy is best for your mental health. This type of living is not really living IMO.



> Even thinking about fighting causes it to overpower the medication.


One other note: your cell phone. It is an electronic leash. I have one for work. It sucks. I'm tied to it all the time. However, I learned to put it on no notifications during late evening hours and time with family. You need to detach from work when at home. Period. So what if customer cancels a contract in two hours if you don't respond. Are you letting that run your life and marriage into the ground? It appears so.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

zoekat said:


> He never had a problem with her before we had kids. But he's very, very particular about the way he wants things done with them. Even I get in trouble by not doing things the way he wants. My mom did grandma things with them, and that just didn't fly. And one time while she was watching them, one of our kids tripped and fell (something that could happen while anyone is watching them), and since then he doesn't trust her at all.
> 
> Thanks for the advice! A consultation wouldn't hurt I guess.



I can see how his actions can cause anxiety. You're operating on fear on not triggering him. Have you seen a therapist on gaining tools to deal with someone like him?

Are the children allowed to have any relationship with their grandmother at all?

Remember, you also have a say in how the children are raised.

At this rate, with friction in the house, and him treating you less than an equal, your children will grow up thinking this is the norm. It is better to be separated and mentally healthy so you can counter their father's influence than letting your children see their mother get belitled and becoming more dysfunctional.

Children need the freedom to explore the world and themselves. With new experiences, they are creating new neuro pathways that can help them grow at astonishing rates. Sounds rather restrictive on how he is doing it.


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