# husband feels that he does not want children?



## confusedtoo

Hi all, just needing to vent a little tonight..... My husband and I have been going through very rocky time the last few months. There are several communication issues in the marriage that we are trying to address. He is buying his own place and we are currently refinancing our mortgage to get some separateness in our accounts etc. So we are going through a trial separation. While we are Not splitting most of our accounts/bills, the only thing we are dividing is the house per say but we are not legally separated. He just sees the townhouse he is buying as a place to be alone and think about things and if we get back together,it will be a rental. He does not believe in renting bacause it is a waste of money and we would probably use this other place as a tax break. 

We are separated in the fact that other than our son, we are not doing anything (at the moment) as a married couple. He has not moved out yet, (probably next month). And he is still very involved on our sons life (ie: he picks him up from daycare and does things with me and our son all the time). We have not told many people and all in all still act like a married couple.... on the outside.

Anyhow, for a few weeks we pretty much put our son to sleep at night and go do separate things. We are like strangers after our son is in bed at night. He sleeps in a separate room and all physical contact is a quick peck goodnight or goodbye in the mornings before work. No hugging, touching, no compliments, no nothing . In some ways it is easier to be like this.... 

But tonight I just brought up if he really wants 'us' to work after he gets his own place. He gets defensive and starts talking about how hard it is for him to be with our son. I think he is a good actor because our son laughs and loves him (he is 2). He interacts like he loves it too. He takes him biking swimming, etc. But when I ask him, he says that having a child changed our relationship. Our son was planned, no forcing into having him. He was created out of love! How can he change now that this precious child was given to us??? I know he is selfish. He has always been passionate and opinionated, but this is his feelings towards his family! 

Anyhow, he says that he does not really want to deal with all this baggage until he is settled at his new place, then we will discuss counseling, maybe start going out again.... Some days I think ok fine I am busy enough with job and son to worry about this 24/7, other days I feel anger and want to give up on him. I think he is a selfish JERK! He overanalyses everything! I feel that life is too short to worry about that stuff. But I want a family and a companion. We used to be happy. Can this happiness come back? Being with my son is what make me happy now.... I want what is best for him.... Maybe husband cannot change... but thoughts go through my mind that he should be by himself and see if he happy on the other side...... thanks for any advice and reading this.... :scratchhead:


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## Deejo

I will relate my feelings, when my wife and I discussed separation.

I rationalized that from the point of view of our marriage, nothing would change. We weren't intimate, we weren't on the same page with household responsibilities, we were barely friendly, but we were respectful of one another. It was classic 'roommate syndrome.' 
Much as you indicate, when in friend, family, or community settings, no one would suspect anything negative touched us. We both love our children dearly. 

However, I did not feel loved or appreciated, in spite of consciously trying to behave in a manner to earn those things from my wife. So I withdrew. Eventually I rationalized that we would be better served by being apart. I would continue to be active with my children, but in effect wouldn't be losing anything in leaving my wife. In fact, I believed there was plenty to be gained. I could re-establish my independence, and restore my self-confidence. Unlike the way you describe your husband, I have never, ever, been selfish. I consistently put the needs of others (children,wife,family,work) before my own - and it cost me a great deal. So I became selfish. 

I have not moved out. My wife and I are going to attend counseling. My behavior is different, meaning that my wife's expectations of how I _used_ to behave, are no longer valid, and it got her attention. I can best describe that I am prepared to accept that our marriage may come to an end, but I am also prepared to work on avoiding that - for my children, my son's sake in particular.

So, circumstances will always be different, but I am guessing that some of the emotions involved may be similar. The best advice I can give you is to take care of yourself. Take an honest, long look at your marriage and decide if you and your son will _benefit_ from working to preserve it, or if it will only compound the stress, frustration and pain, you are currently feeling.

I wish you well.


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