# Husband angry/moody/on edge day after sex



## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

My husband have been together 8 years and have sex pretty regularly varying between 1-4 times a week, depending. Nothing wrong in the bedroom. All goes well there.

The problem is the day AFTER. I've noticed he does this thing where the following day he'll be on edge, moody and pissy. He almost always picks a fight with me. 

Can someone try helping me figure this out? I've talked about this with him, and he realizes he does feel different on those days (like adrenaline or testosterone rising? Full of anxiety and frustration) but he isn't stopping the behavior. This leads me to not look forward to sex because I HATE the day after with his attitude and frustrated demeanor.

Can someone help me figure this out? I always thought men would be happy afterwards!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Has he ever suffered abuse as a child maybe? Has this started recently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

He lived in a destitute hoarder house, with two alcoholic parents growing up. He's had a hard life. Not physical abuse, but definitely neglect. He's pretty well balanced now, but I know he may have difficulties remaining.

I noticed the pattern only in the last year, but I am realizing it's been going on for years, probably our whole relationship together. The behavior can range from being quiet and moody (NOT his regular mentality. He's usually happy and easy-going) to full out aggression.

I noticed much the same thing happens around holidays or other happy events (DATES especially. BAD fights initiated by him, but not every date), but with sex it's like clockwork. Always the day after for the majority of the day until he gets out whatever negative energy he's feeling (which is usually aimed at me) and then he's fine. He doesn't seem to be able to help it. The funny thing is he's as chipper as anything immediately following sex the day of (which is usually late at night), it's the next day it's like he takes a nosedive.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

He needs therapy. Something is going on in him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> He needs therapy. Something is going on in him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I very much agree. We've talked about him getting therapy, but right now there's no way we can afford it (no health insurance). But it's a goal we're aiming for. I hope I can at least get an idea of what the root of the problem is so I can help him. I just never heard of such a thing before!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> I very much agree. We've talked about him getting therapy, but right now there's no way we can afford it (no health insurance). But it's a goal we're aiming for. I hope I can at least get an idea of what the root of the problem is so I can help him. I just never heard of such a thing before!


It seems like he has problems processing intimacy. Those that he was close to when he was growing up caused him great pain and hurt. On a subconscious level, he associates intimacy with that pain. 

So after sex, when he feels closest to you, he likely feels anxious.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> It seems like he has problems processing intimacy. Those that he was close to when he was growing up caused him great pain and hurt. On a subconscious level, he associates intimacy with that pain.
> 
> So after sex, when he feels closest to you, he likely feels anxious.


Thank you! "Difficulty processing intimacy".That sounds very much like it could be it. I'll have to try and talk to him about it. I wonder how I could help him?


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Could it be because that's the longest time from when he gets to have sex again? If he would like to have sex again the next day but know he has to wait that could cause the irritability.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> Could it be because that's the longest time from when he gets to have sex again? If he would like to have sex again the next day but know he has to wait that could cause the irritability.


That is a good suggestion, and I'll have to think on it/ask him about it!


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> Thank you! "Difficulty processing intimacy".That sounds very much like it could be it. I'll have to try and talk to him about it. I wonder how I could help him?


There is a book called "The Haunted Marriage" that deals with marriage to a CSA survivor. As I understand it, it addresses how marriage trigger intimacy issues. While not specifically addressed to your situation, I wonder if there might be some guidance in helping you deal with your situation.


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## ManiacalMama (Jan 6, 2014)

My husband used to do this too. The day after sex...just a pissy jerk. He didn't realize until I told him I didn't like having sex with him because of it. He stopped suddenly. I found out later he was cheating on me around that same time and then...stopped suddenly :/

I'm not saying that is what is going on with your husband. I'm thinking though, maybe it was a coping with guilt mechanism.

Good luck, I hope you get this figured out.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I think Miss Scarlet could be right, and he is just horny. 

...but I still think that his behavior is probably controllable. 

My cat comes and meows at sun rise because she knows we will get up and put fresh food in her bowl....


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I notice I'm that way with dieting. Have a free day and eat A-Z and then the next day I'm just super pissy because it's back to the norm, which is always saying no.

I had to tell my H that I found having good sex one day often results in really, really wanting sex the next day. After two days of good sex I will usually be okay for a while. The biggest fight we've been in over sex happened last month when he blew me off the day after we'd had really good sex. 

Well, whatever. In a perfect world we'd all be paired with people who wanted sex just as often as we did. Whether that be once a month or twice a day.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I use to be upset after sex. I felt vulnerable, guilty, and ashamed. Then I would look at my husband who was relaxed and happy and get irritated that he didn't realize the struggle I was going through, never mind that I didn't verbalized this to him. If he loved me he should have just "known". 

Therapy helped. If you don't have money for that do some research into the problem. He might not want to but he will need to talk, talk, talk about it until he understands himself and can reprogram his thought process. Journaling helped me immensely in recognizing patterns of behavior and just getting out those feelings that I was afraid to say.

If he just wants more sex, he needs to talk about that as well.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

MissScarlett said:


> Could it be because that's the longest time from when he gets to have sex again? If he would like to have sex again the next day but know he has to wait that could cause the irritability.


This is a great answer. I had the same thought process but with a slight variation.

All of this is based off the assumption he wants sex each day and he initiates sex. Otherwise, please disregard.

I feel like I can relate, because I may have done the same thing. Not on purpose though. It wasn't malicious, bad parents, or a need for counseling. It was because the off day, although I still had my need for intimacy, I felt unwanted. If I was to ask or initiate sex again, although she wouldn't say no, I'd feel guilty for asking for sex the next day. I knew it had to be every other day. I know most people say, 3 or 4 times a week is a lot of sex, but it's also 3 or 4 times a week where I felt unwanted. I want to be intimate with my wife each day. Why? Because I love her. I want to bond with her as much as humanly possible. My brain will never be able to relate to the idea of, "Today is a day off from intimacy or bonding, because well, not that I don't want you, but I just don't want to be with you today." It doesn't make sense at all. However, I knew my wife had her need for a day off, so guilt or putting my own need aside, left me moody. I'd shut myself off for a day, which also meant it's hard being nice to a person when they don't want intimacy with you. If you don't need intimacy, I don't need to give you the appropiate attention. If your need is a "lack of" sex/intimacy and that's equal to my need for intimacy, then the same can be said about my attention or mood. 

Now, I didn't do this on purpose. I didn't think it out and punish her. The same as she didn't think out sex and punish me. I was just in a bad mood because I knew I wouldn't be intimate. I knew that being nice and happy, attentive, meant nothing. Intimacy was shutdown, yet my mood should be totally on? She didn't want to bond with me. So, why do I positively bond throughout the day with her? I guess my mind shut down.

On sex days, he can be nice to you because he knows later he will initiate sex without feeling guilty, and you will take care of his needs. This is a day where there is a reward for him being nice and less moody. Sex shouldn't be a reward. His mood shouldn't be a punishment.

Me and my wife now have sex each day and you'd be surprised how positive both of our attitudes have been. Attentive, happy, and even if I catch myself in a slightly bad mood, she can just say once, "Are you okay?" I will immediately snap out of it. Trust me, I want her happy and feeling loved.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

I do get how it could be extremely confusing though. Why is the next day, his head should be spinning from the great sex from the night before.

Unfortunately, for me, once sex is complete we do not cherrish the memory of the last time we "felt" (past tense) wanted, we desire to be WANTED. In a day, want can change. You can be intimate with a man 10000 times, after the 10000 we still want to know you want us again. The 10000 prior mean NOTHING. Ask divorced couples.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

Counseling might be too expensive, but the library is free.
He needs to do _something_ proactive. It will show you he cares, but more importantly just the action will get him moving in the right direction.

I really like Coldie's insights.
It is VERY true that I don't count the previous sex. I am still a needy person, and truly desire intimacy with my wife. I suppose to be fair, that means the previous times I've done the dishes won't get the new dishes washed by themselves.


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## happi_g_more2 (Jan 27, 2014)

also, i know you said that everything is good in the bedroom..but have you verified that he sees it the same way? He may feel neglected in there and just cant communicate. Just something to explore.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

happi_g_more2 said:


> also, i know you said that everything is good in the bedroom..but have you verified that he sees it the same way? He may feel neglected in there and just cant communicate. Just something to explore.



This could be something to think about. We've gone a long ways in terms of communication in the bedroom, and I ask him often to be open with me on his needs/happiness level, but for all I know he's lying/diminishing his own feelings for my own happiness (to not make me sad). I'll have to speak with him on this (and other suggestions) to try and get a better idea of what's going on. Thank you!


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Coldie said:


> I do get how it could be extremely confusing though. Why is the next day, his head should be spinning from the great sex from the night before.
> 
> Unfortunately, for me, once sex is complete we do not cherrish the memory of the last time we "felt" (past tense) wanted, we desire to be WANTED. In a day, want can change. You can be intimate with a man 10000 times, after the 10000 we still want to know you want us again. The 10000 prior mean NOTHING. Ask divorced couples.


Thank you for your thoughts. He tends to have this "after glow" for hours afterwards, before going downhill the next day. It would make sense to think he could be just wanting more and being upset that it's "over" (even though we do it multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, he says he just wants more and have it all day every day, but he's not pushy about it). So that makes a lot of sense for him to be sad it's over and just wanting badly to do it again.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

In the year prior to when she was diagnosed with BPD, my wife would do this. It's like she woke up the next day and was upset that she was asked to do something she did not want to do... or that she was taken advantage of.

It sounds like the guy has an issue regulating emotions? not a full blown PD per se but some issue with emotions?


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

john117 said:


> In the year prior to when she was diagnosed with BPD, my wife would do this. It's like she woke up the next day and was upset that she was asked to do something she did not want to do... or that she was taken advantage of.
> 
> It sounds like the guy has an issue regulating emotions? not a full blown PD per se but some issue with emotions?


That's very interesting. He's always had issues handling his emotions. That day after he acts exactly like you described your wife was (like she was asked to do something she didn't want to do, or taken advantage of). It's so odd to me! I feel closer to him the day after, and usually wanting MORE sex because of that, but his own attitude kind of knocks that back.

How did you deal with this in your marriage?


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## DanglingDaisy (Mar 26, 2012)

My partner was like that for many years(we've been together 16yrs). In his case, a combination of low sex drive and guilt/shame was the main cause. Before I met him he abused medical drugs/alcohol which wrecked his sex drive. The moodiness I figured out a few years ago had to do with his shame around sex and being sexual. Of course I couldn't understand since I was brought up not to feel shame around masturbating and sex

I spent years wondering what I did wrong(was I not attractive enough? etc). In essence I wanted intimacy and felt completely rejected. Funny enough, after a couple of years I did everything I could to avoid asking(and being rejected). He was always moody and mean the days following and it hurt my self esteem. He also used to tell me I was more like a sister and he didn't see me in a sexual way.

My main issue in this relationship is my partner's inability to talk about things(he'll blab to the rest of the world but not me). He has a normal sex drive now but he's still obsessd with porn,and is only sexually interested in me when he fantasizes me with someone else(which I did thinking retardedly that fulfilling his fantasy would bring us closer together! 

I personally have given up on trying to have a normal sex life with my partner. I feel stupid, and now repulsed and lack any sexual attraction to him(mostly 'cause he's let himself completely go in the last five years).

Now money or not, you see from my situation how CRITICALLY IMPORTANT it is to get him to deal with his issues around sex. God forbid you find yourself in my shoes years down the road.

Hugs,


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> That's very interesting. He's always had issues handling his emotions. That day after he acts exactly like you described your wife was (like she was asked to do something she didn't want to do, or taken advantage of). It's so odd to me! I feel closer to him the day after, and usually wanting MORE sex because of that, but his own attitude kind of knocks that back.
> 
> 
> 
> How did you deal with this in your marriage?



The first 25 years were good, considering we are barely from the same species. The last 5 years, lol lol lol. Read some of the threads I post on or a couple I started to get the full effect


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Since I did not answer the question...

It looked to me like she really regretted having sex with me - not much different than seeing me have fun in any other way I suppose. That's what you get when BPD gets in the way of normal thinking. 

I made sure to be extra non argumentative following sex for a day or two at least. Least I could do... Blah blah. 

That's where I noticed my own emotional reset. As things continued to get worse between us I noticed it would take very little time before my emotions towards her would turn negative or indifferent once again. Sex would reset those emotions for a little to something better, then back to the same, As art majors would observe, no meaning. Physically the sex was awesome but infrequent, but what bothered me was this lack of meaning. I mean, why bother if it feels like a ONS. She continues to try to initiate every do often but it's gotten to the point it's not worth the emotional effort. Eventually I gave up on the whole idea.

Maybe she'll see the light one of those days...


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

ComicBookLady said:


> Thank you for your thoughts. He tends to have this "after glow" for hours afterwards, before going downhill the next day. It would make sense to think he could be just wanting more and being upset that it's "over" (even though we do it multiple times a week, sometimes multiple times a day, he says he just wants more and have it all day every day, but he's not pushy about it). So that makes a lot of sense for him to be sad it's over and just wanting badly to do it again.


I felt the same thing. The afterglow, the few hours or the whole night afterwards is always a great feeling. I guess the "wanted" feeling lasts for the rest of the night. Sleep changes everything, lol.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> My husband have been together 8 years and have sex pretty regularly varying between 1-4 times a week, depending. Nothing wrong in the bedroom. All goes well there.
> 
> The problem is the day AFTER. I've noticed he does this thing where the following day he'll be on edge, moody and pissy. He almost always picks a fight with me.
> 
> ...


That is strange.

I, and I've always assumed, every other guy am the exact opposite. If it has gone more than a couple of days without sex I start to get grouchy and irritable. 'Things' get sore which only adds to my mood.
Immediately afterwards I am at my most calm , loving, etc.

I do realise that I am doing this and can regulate it to some degree but it does tend to sneak up on you.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm wondering if it's the inverse of what you're observing. It's not that he's more grouchy after sex...it's that that he's nicer when he hasn't had sex for a while and is being nice because he wants it. When he's still satisfied he has no motivation to be nice.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

ComicBookLady said:


> He's always had issues handling his emotions.


Comic, I agree with John that some of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., inability to control his own emotions, neglect in early childhood, starting fights to push you away, and his low tolerance for intimacy -- are a few of the warning signs for having strong BPD traits. Of course, only a professional can determine whether those traits are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD.


ComicBookLady said:


> I noticed much the same thing happens *around holidays* or other *happy events *(DATES especially. BAD fights initiated by him, but not every date), but *with sex* it's like clockwork. Always the day after for the majority of the day....


Comic, if your H does have strong and persistent BPD traits, that likely would explain the fights he starts after sex and during holidays. BPDers have two great fears, one of which is the suffocating feeling of engulfment that occurs during or right after intimacy. Because a BPDer has a fragile sense of who he is, he tends to get a frightening feeling -- during intimacy -- that he is losing his self identity and merging into his partner's strong personality. It also makes him feel like the partner is controlling him somehow.

The result is that, following intimate moments and a great weekend spent together, the BPDer will create a fight -- over absolutely nothing at all -- to push you away and give him breathing space. Importantly, he typically does not do this consciously. Rather, at a subconcious level, his mind will project the hurtful feelings or threatening thoughts onto his partner. 

This, then, is why a BPDer generally is convinced that the trivial subject of the argument is a genuine concern. This also explains why, following intimacy, BPDers typically create fights over such minor issues that both of you will have trouble recalling what the fight was about a week later. 

Another result of this need to push you away is that the very WORST fights will occur immediately after or during the very BEST of times -- e.g., right after an intimate evening or midway through an expensive, wonderful vacation. In this way, my BPDer exW would sabotage most of our vacations. 

Sometimes we would make it through 5 or 6 days before the temper tantrum occurred. On other vacations, it hit within 2 or 3 days. Needless to say, I stopped taking her on expensive vacations after the first two years. No point in having to pay $500/day to be treated to a temper tantrum. I could get that for free back at our home.

I suggest that you read about BPD symptoms to see if most sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my post describing BPD warning signs in Maybe's Thread. If that description rings several bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. John likely would do the same because he has much experience with BPD warning signs. Take care, Comic.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The behavior Uptown described is quite an adventure to experience. A couple years ago we spent a week in Seattle and a week on a cruise to Alaska from Seattle. My BPD wife did her absolute best to sabotage the trip. Just to give you an idea of what I'm talking about, we always get a rental car then on the last day I drop the family to the cruise port, return the rental car and take a cab to the port myself.

This time it was typical Seattle weather, 60's and a breeze. My wife started grumbling that it was too cold and instead of taking the luggage and moving inside the building, all of 40-50 feet worth of work, and with our two kids to help. Instead she called me a dozen times screaming her head off that she's too cold and she can't take cold weather etc etc (we live in the Midwest :rofl. Just some drama to spice up the trip. 

By nature of what I do for a living I'm pretty good at reading people and predicting behavior. But this was too much even for good ole' Dr. John here. The cruise - our 27th anniversary - was an unmitigated disaster, with the most memorable moment being the TSA putting an authentic 3 foot totem pole thru the X-ray machine on the way back...

You pretty much have to develop immunity to the illness and the person. And eventually even that wears off. It's a cruel disease, not quite as cruel as Alzheimer's but pretty close. 

Most people in TAM come complaining their partner does not have enough sex with them or leaves the toilet seat up etc... Think how you would feel if you worked 60 hours a week for a year and plucked your hard earned bonus to pay for every dime of a two week adventure. Then? At the top of the trip, you take your partner up to deck 17 for a drink in a bar with a stunning view of the starred night and the surrounding. You sit down for an hour or so and your partner does not say a word. Not a single word. Not because she's speechless from the view but because, as Uptown pointed out, she's afraid of being engulfed - by talking to you -

It's like she's not really there. Just a ghost. 

If you think you're dealing with this, take your partner and seek a competent therapist together. Other wise reevaluate your relationship and take action.

Best of luck.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Coldie said:


> I do get how it could be extremely confusing though. Why is the next day, his head should be spinning from the great sex from the night before.
> 
> Unfortunately, for me, once sex is complete we do not cherrish the memory of the last time we "felt" (past tense) wanted, we desire to be WANTED. In a day, want can change. You can be intimate with a man 10000 times, after the 10000 we still want to know you want us again. The 10000 prior mean NOTHING. Ask divorced couples.


What else is going on? I mean was the sex really good or no? Are outside issues being brought to the marriage bed? :scratchhead:


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## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

Beats me.
I get moody, cranky, irritable, etc. after going without sex for a while (which is way too often).

Talk about a disincentive your hubby is giving for you to have sex with him.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

All Posters Here!

There may be a physiological explanation for this phenomenon! It may actually be caused by the orgasm itself. Has to do with effects of dopamine (which is released upon orgasm) for up to 2 weeks after orgasm.

It really makes sense to me but without explaining it myself I suggest you go to www.reuniting.info/science or for a longer explanation see Marnia Robinson's book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow.

This is a website promoting Tantric Sex (or non-orgasmic sex). While I actually believe the science behind the theory, I am certainly not strong enough to engage in sex without orgasm myself...but give it a read...its actually quite fascinating!


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## thenaz007 (Apr 27, 2016)

I have this problem as a healthy 56 year old male. I am irritable about 20-24 hours after sex. I did not notice it until it was pointed out to me (in my first marriage, then I shared in my second.). It is some kind of hormone deficiency or activity - it is not wanting sex or missing sex simply something biological going on. Good to know all you experts that say I must be cheating, horny, abused, need therapy etc. The species recovering from its most important biological function is the correct answer. Probably didn't start until my 30's. NOW the problem is not only do the planets have to align but there must be nothing on tomorrows social agenda... We have also agreed that women are most likely to want sex a day or two before menstruating. SO if we indulge we will likely both be fighting hormones the next day...


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