# Poop or Get Off the Pot?



## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi, I've posted before about this relationship, so I'll keep this very brief. Married 37 yrs, 2 grown children. High school sweethearts from very different social and economic backgrounds. 
About 10 years ago I had this need to be honest in our relationship, so I told H that I'd always felt he loved me more than I loved him. He's very giving, and I tend toward the selfish. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to hear this, but he wanted to stay married. Gradually we began to drift apart -- as follows:

- No intimacy of any kind for 10 years. It didn't help that I gained 60 pounds during that time and felt he would be repulsed by me.
- He became the volunteer Sound Engineer at the church we attend. This is a full-time job and then some. We spent less and less time together as he carried out his responsibilities. I had a lot of alone time and got to really enjoy it.
- He gradually became more unemotional and distant towards me; I initiated every conversation and he answered if necessary. There were a lot of uncomfortable silences (I think this is why I started to enjoy being alone so much).
- He has had what I'd call an EA with a female friend of the family for at least 15 years. As far as I know it wasn't physical, although he doesn't want to discuss it. I have never had an EA or PA.

About two years ago, we did a trial separation -- I moved out. I was very sad at this time and cried a lot, because I felt it had gotten so difficult for us to communicate that we missed a way to repair the relationship (he won't do counseling -- doesn't see the point). During the ensuing two years, we saw each other at church and at family events but spoke only when necessary. 

In March of 2017 he said I could return to the house if I wanted to, but with no expectations on his part. His reasons were, he said, a feeling of obligation to take care of me (I've had a nervous breakdown in the past), encouragement from the EA woman, to not confuse our grandchildren (as to why we live apart), and, in his words, "S**t or get off the pot." He told me that he doesn't have any feelings anymore about anything. I asked him where I would sleep, and he offered the couch (where I'd been sleeping for the past 10 years anyway).

I feel a lot of guilt over moving out and take responsibility for wrecking the relationship in the first place, so I moved back in. Surprise -- nothing had changed from when I left, plus I found I still have feelings for him and expectations that we could improve the relationship and get some intimacy back. I went back to my apartment. Nothing has happened since.

I believe in marriage for life, but I don't want a silent, unemotional, roommate marriage. I've apologized to him for everything I've ever done to hurt him, knowingly or not. I still think that we need counseling to have any hope of saving the marriage, but as I said he doesn't want to go. 

Should I keep trying?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Hell to the yes! 

But set a definite time limitation for him to come around! If perchance he doesn't, then give him the air!*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HiMaint57 said:


> Hi, I've posted before about this relationship, so I'll keep this very brief. Married 37 yrs, 2 grown children. High school sweethearts from very different social and economic backgrounds.
> About 10 years ago I had this need to be honest in our relationship, so I told H that I'd always felt he loved me more than I loved him. He's very giving, and I tend toward the selfish. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to hear this, but he wanted to stay married. Gradually we began to drift apart -- as follows:
> 
> - No intimacy of any kind for 10 years. It didn't help that I gained 60 pounds during that time and felt he would be repulsed by me.
> ...


Does the above bolded part mean that you are not living with him now?

I really don't see any reason to work on this marriage. He has no interest in changing in any way or working on things. Basically he wants you around. You are probably comfortable to him. But he's offering you the status quo and nothing more.

If you are hell bent on working on your relationship, then get the book "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" and tell him that the only way you will even consider getting back together (or staying together) is if he will read the books with you and do the work that they say to do.

I suggest that you read the books first as they will give you some good words to use. Then ask him to read them.

You might also want to tell him that you two need to go to counseling. The books are, however, more important than the counseling since most counselors don't help people fix their marriage. Instead most counselors simply work to help the couple accept divorce--even when they tell you that they will help you work to fix your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I also agree with the time limit thing. If he agrees to work through the books, give it 6 months. If things are not a lot better in 6 months, leave. If they are a lot better in 6 months, then give it another six months. Set check points every 6 months or so until you feel safe in the relationship and that things have really changed.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do you know exactly why he wanted you to move back in? Was he very hurt by you moving out? There are some people who may take some time to trust again. I would set the time limit of 6-9 months, be the best person that you can be, do not say anything to him. If he comes around eventually then good, if not file for divorce and move on with your life.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

If you had to go back 10 years, would you still feel that "need to be honest"?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Unless you both get to the reasons for "wrecking the relationship" it's not likely that you or him will see eye to eye on the issue.

At this point, it's all water under the bridge and no matter how you slice it, he's got little to gain. So do you. 

Perhaps you could try some individual counseling and see if something comes up from it, but I would do it for myself, not for anyone else primarily.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Right, I'm not living with him now. I told him I was going back to my apt for basically the same reasons I listed here. It's just too hard to have expectations and want things to change when he has no expectations.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I'm replying to the other posters here: Aine, if I could go back 10 years I wouldn't say what I did, because our relationship was good then. I don't know what came over me. All I can think of is that my mother had recently died from cancer and I was recovering from cancer myself. Maybe my emotions were screwed up.

The reasons he gave for inviting me to come back to the house were that he felt an obligation to take care of me (he told my mother on her deathbed that he would); that he didn't want to confuse or grandchildren by not living together (they are 3 years old and 18 months old -- I assume he meant as they get older); and that he felt I should either "s--t or get off the pot -- that is a direct quote. Oh, and apparently the woman he's been having the EA with encouraged him to invite me back to the house.

Just FYI, I consulted an attorney last year and got a lot of informational paperwork to fill out; I gave it to him and asked him to fill out his parts, but he didn't do it. That makes me wonder if he really wants a divorce.

I think the 6-month time limit is a good idea, although I don't think he would go for it.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Being married as long as have no doubt part of his wanting you to move back is driven by the financial implications. He could be content to have a marriage on paper but not a real marriage to avoid alimony/asset division.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

File the paper work now. Then tell him you filed and say this is it buster I'm serious either you go to counceling and put some effortinto being married or I'm moving on. Here are some books we can read together as we wait for counceling. If he stalls or refuses then stay the coarse and divorce hm.
MAYBE THE SERIOUSNESS of knowing you filed will jolt him into some action.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

UPDATE: We are getting a divorce. Talked last Sunday night, and I told him that I really need intimacy to be part of our marriage (physical, emotional). He said he couldn't see that ever becoming a reality again. For some reason I mentioned that I'd never cheated on him; he said something like "I don't think I would care." That decided it for me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

HiMaint57 said:


> UPDATE: We are getting a divorce. Talked last Sunday night, and I told him that I really need intimacy to be part of our marriage (physical, emotional). He said he couldn't see that ever becoming a reality again. For some reason I mentioned that I'd never cheated on him; he said something like "I don't think I would care." That decided it for me.


This is sad. He is obviously still very hurt, but it's no excuse. He would have done better to just divorce you at the moment you said what you did.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

I went back and looked at some of your earliest posts. There was a lot more than you just saying he loved you more. You seemed to do your best to push him away. He is now quite disengaged. Divorce is probably best for both of you long term. Based on your words, he really did try to be a good husband to you, but it sounds like he sees no future in it. A review of your past posts might help put things into better perspective re his current feelings.

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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

This is the first post on your first thread from several years ago. It sounds like the path had been set for quite some time.....once someone feels unloved, it is not always possible to change the path...sorry


I've been commenting on a lot of other posts -- so here's my story. <br />
<br />
Met husband in high school -- both 16. First we were just friends. Looking back it would've been better if we had just stayed friends and not become romantically involved. But he was such a great guy to talk to, and I was depressed & lonely as my best girlfriend had a boyfriend, so we became a couple.<br />
<br />
Dated for 5 years before getting married. While dating we fought a lot, and looking back I spent a lot of time trying to make him into who I wanted him to be. He would've done anything for me, and I took advantage of that.<br />
<br />
He proposed just after I graduated college. I said yes because I didn't want to hurt him, and because he had put up with me for 5 years and I felt I owed it to him. Biggest reason was security -- I didn't have any idea what I wanted for my life -- and now I realize I wanted a parent -- someone to take care of me and who would put up with my often immature behavior. <br />
<br />
First few years were pretty good (or maybe I've chosen to remember the good times). Son was born -- I had postpartum depression and without him neither our child nor I would've survived -- literally. Had our daughter, and by this time I'd started resenting him because he was so much better with the kids than I was. It was almost like a competition between us for the best parent award. Fought a lot over discipline (he was tough, me wimpy) and money (me spender, him saver). Stayed together because we had a lot of fun with the kids. <br />
<br />
Note -- I started sleeping on the couch 20 yrs ago and have been there since.<br />
<br />
In 2006 I had ovarian cancer -- during & after treatment we got closer. Then in same year my Mom died (we both had cancer at the same time). I was devastated -- she was my best friend. I started blaming husband for things like making me sell her house (I wanted to keep it and live there by myself), accidentally throwing away some of her things, etc. I started to really want out of the relationship.<br />
<br />
Last year I told him that I thought we should divorce because I never was in love with him and he deserved to have me out of his life, realizing all the misery I'd caused him over the years. He wanted us to stay together (like roommates) and take care of each other.<br />
<br />
As I write this we're still in the same house, but all I think about is leaving. No OM -- never has been. I just want to be by myself. No sex in four years. Completely separate lives. Very little interaction -- he seems to enjoy being with everyone but me. I feel like the marriage is dead and don't have much interest in saving it, but I took the vows and I owe him so much. <br />
<br />
I feel horribly guilty about all of this. He is a wonderful man in every way. My mind keeps going in circles trying to decide. Any insight?


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

I don't know how to read previous posts, so thanks OneMoreGuy for retrieving it for me. Can't believe that was 6 years ago.

Yes, he tried very hard to be a good husband to me. I would never say otherwise. We should have started counseling years ago -- maybe he would have been more willing. I shouldn't have told him my feelings in the first place -- there wasn't any reason to do so and I'm not sure why I did. Want more "shoulds?" I have a detailed list of things that I should/should not have done in this marriage. 

So now how do I live with myself knowing the end of this marriage seems to be totally my fault?


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Thanks for finding that old post (I don't know how to do it). You're definitely right that he was a good husband to me and a great dad. I shouldn't have told him my feelings way back then -- there was no reason to do it and basically that was the start of the relationship decline. And I can understand that. I've changed a lot in the last 10 years -- like giving instead of taking, taking, taking. Unfortunately now it seems to be too late. I wish he would give me another chance to be his wife (instead of a roommate) -- guess that's not going to happen. They say God can move mountains, but apparently not this one.

So how do I live with myself and all the "should/should nots?"


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Sorry I didn't think the first response posted, so there's duplication.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

If ever i have read of a marriage that isn't working out or ever likely to work out in any meaningful way then this is it, sorry to be so blunt but my god this is going to take a heroic effort to get a way forward so you can feel that the marriage is worthwhile and has something in it for you both, as for counselling, it would be a good start but if your husband is so reluctant that he can't even discuss it with you then it ain't going t happen. I think you must realise that the time has come to part ways, as brutal to you as that may sound, sleeping on a couch for 20 years is ridiculous, so wrong on so many levels, without all the facts it is bothering me to see that you could ever find a modicum of happiness with this man who has treated you so harshly. You should get counselling to see why you want to put yourself through more agony trying to get your unresponsive partner to respond in a positive way.

Love and peace always

KevinZX


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I have a question. Are you sure this is not just more the grass is greener type thinking? It seems that some people are just not happy with what they have, because the truth is they are not happy. They are looking for their outside circumstances to make them happy. When you had him you were convinced you didn't need him or love him. Now that he has someone else and has moved on which is basically what your post was telling him to do, now that he has done that and emotionally detached you want him back. Not to be harsh but it seems more about you then him. 

From reading your posts it also seems like you felt unworthy even though he seems to have wanted to love you. It is particularly telling that at one point you say you felt like when he was dancing with you he was dancing with his mother. (you say this he doesn't) You also talk about sleeping on the couch and how the sex stopped when you put on weight. I think you might want to do some soul searching with a good IC about how much of this unworthiness had to do with feeling unattractive.

If that is the case, can I suggest you try to start exercising? The thing with that is it releases your bodies natural endorphins and helps with depression and sadness, which is were you are. It also gives you tangible goals and successes to strive for and be happy about every day. The bonus is looking in the mirror and feeling good about yourself. I highly recommend it. It could help with your feelings of sadness now. 

I think it is pretty obvious from your post that you were right about your relationship. This is because you wouldn't have been able to post this stuff if you weren't. The thing is you may have been wrong about the reasons why you felt that way, but you DID feel that way at the time. You were trying to fake it but you knew that wasn't fair to him. You were right. He was willing to accept that because he knew no better, but now that he has a taste of what it is like to have someone who is truly into him he doesn't want to go back to less. That doesn't mean you can't fine someone who you are more into. If you are worried about the sin aspect, it does seem like he had an emotional affair so their is probably grounds. Look you both blew it up. That's life, people sin that is why we need a savior. Repent if you want and move on, no reason to let it keep you in limbo. What's done is done. 

What was your childhood like? What kind of relationships were modeled for you? How was your parents relationship, how did they talk about each other and about their life? Have you done any IC? Unfortunately I think you were looking for the relationship to fix what issues you had in you at least somewhat. I see lots of people buy this idea that a relationship is going to somehow make you whole, that is not the way it works. If you have issues and get into a relationship you are just a person with issues in a relationship. The only way to fix that is by YOU doing the work, there are no shortcuts. 

If you want to know how to live with it fix what it is that made you feel the way you did and move on. Learn from this so that it was not just a waste. Your life is not over. The other way to fix this is to let it go. Accept it. Wish him well and go be healthy. 

IMO.

Here is a link to your page, it has a list of all your posts and threads you started, this is under your statistics tab next to the about me. This page is accessed by clicking on your name.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

HiMaint57 said:


> Thanks for finding that old post (I don't know how to do it). You're definitely right that he was a good husband to me and a great dad. I shouldn't have told him my feelings way back then -- there was no reason to do it and basically that was the start of the relationship decline. And I can understand that. I've changed a lot in the last 10 years -- like giving instead of taking, taking, taking. Unfortunately now it seems to be too late. I wish he would give me another chance to be his wife (instead of a roommate) -- guess that's not going to happen. They say God can move mountains, but apparently not this one.
> 
> So how do I live with myself and all the "should/should nots?"


You live with yourself by accepting that actions have consequences and you're paying for yours -- as we all do when we end up regretting our actions. You obviously can't change the past so you have to move on and hope to do better in the future. 

Make plans for your new life and start putting them into action.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lose that 60 lbs.

The reward:

You will feel much better.
You will be able to climb stairs.
You will be able to walk miles without fatigue.

You will mysteriously grow breasts. Actually they will show themselves...contrasted to the waist that you never had.

You will find men eager to date you. To be intimate with you. Oh, even before you could have gotten a man. But likely for sex only....not good enough.

You will be fit.
You will have a figure. You will have to figure which man is now good enough for you.

You will have many men to be intimate with. Enjoy their attention, their company, their manly advances......and then send them home...

You will have options.....at present they are limited by your big belly.

Such an easy decision THIS!

Just Sayin'


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you need to do the man a favor and divorce him. You have not treated him well, you have not been all in on your marriage... let him go so he can find happiness for himself.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Kevin ZX, thank you for the support, but he's acting the way he is because of things I've done over the years. I would love to let myself off the hook and get total support like some of the posters on TAM, but I can't. I was a very selfish partner. Unfortunately, now that I realize that and would act differently given another chance, he won't consider it (as a marriage partner, anyway).


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

sokillme -- I have never been happy with myself -- self-hatred is more like it. He is the only guy that ever paid any kind of attention to me before. I never realized how negative body image affects others as much as it affects the one suffering from it -- I have never been happy with my physical appearance, no matter how thin I've been. I know he got tired of hearing that I was too fat and gross for sex. I should have let him decide for himself, but I was too embarrassed, and this was before the weight gain.

I used to exercise nearly every day, but for some reason I got out of the habit. I agree it has many benefits physically and emotionally.

What was my childhood like? I was an only child of older parents. My dad had heart issues for as long as I can remember -- I had to always be careful not to stress him out. My mom could go silent and not talk to me for hours, days, even a week once. I never knew why. My parents had a very unemotional relationship; they didn't raise their voices, but they didn't show affection either. There was a lot of silence between them. Both my parents are gone now, and I'm certainly old enough to blame myself for my issues. But I know I grew up as a very insecure person and looked to my husband for security. 

His parents fought continually. His dad was physically abusive to him and his brothers. Keep in mind that this was the 1960's, and his mom didn't have the resources to get the children away from him like she would in today's world. They are both deceased.

I know I should just own my mistakes and let them go, but I've always had a difficult time doing this. I ruminate about the past and things that I've screwed up -- just ask my kids. I have had IC but not specifically for this issue.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Openminded, right now I don't feel that I deserve a "new life." He definitely does, and I agree with 3Xnocharm that I should give him his freedom. And when I do, my daughter will hate me and cut me out of her life (she's a daddy's girl).

SunCMars, you're right. At first when I read this I wanted to punch you in the face, but it's not worth it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

My friend. Maybe you should get a new councilor and read some books and deal with these issues. I also thing you should start exercising and trying to improve your self esteem. You need to take charge of your own emotional well being. This is the recurring problem in all your posts, it's time to stop looking for others to do it. YOU do it. It has to be a project though. Stop worrying about him or yesterday and start working towards tomorrow. I wish I could have said this to you when you first posted on here. You life is not over yet though. You can do it. 

Why would your daughter "hate" you? Is it just because of divorce? It seems like he wants one too.


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

sokillme -- I don't know --- it just feels like she's more in her dad's corner than mine. Probably because he doesn't worry about what she thinks, and I want to keep her in my life.

I appreciate the suggestions to work on my self-esteem. Not saying you're wrong -- I just don't have the desire or motivation to work on it right now, to be honest. Hopefully I will in the near future. I'm in kind of a depression right now.

Thanks for all the advice everyone.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

If he's the one you want, why not attempt the self-improvement while still married?

I don't see any rush.

He's not in a rush to divorce.

But, IF YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS... the self-improvement needs to be for you.

He's actually letting you off the hook and giving you an "incubator" to show your stuff.

Given that you feel as badly as you do about yourself, the first thing I would do is tell him you want to talk.

Sit him down and apologize. And, by apologize, I mean the "real deal"

I don't know you, but what I do know would prompt the following exchange...

"I remember saying those horrible things to you 10 years ago. I have no idea "why" I said those hateful horrible things. But, I've realized I didn't mean them. I now see the intense emotional pain and the outcome of those words. If I could go back to that time, I would never say those things. I'd take it all back. I am so horribly sorry I hurt you in that way. I am resolving right now to be a better person - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I expect nothing from you in return. I'm doing this because I want to be a better person and to live the rest of my life loving myself. So, when you see me behaving differently, that's what it is. Nothing more. Thank you for listening to me and being the person that you are"


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## HiMaint57 (May 24, 2012)

Hi everyone -- just wanted to post an update. We are signing the stipulation for divorce in a few days. It's one thing to talk about it but emotional when you actually see and review the documents. It could become official as soon as two weeks from now.

I hope that he finds happiness with someone better suited to him than I was. I think he needs someone who is content with a more superficial relationship and is much less emotional than I am. 

As for me, I don't know if I'll have another relationship because I learned during our separation how much I do love him and how much I took him for granted all the years we were married. Unfortunately my realization came too late. I'm also 60 years old and on the downside of life.

I also learned not to be a rug-sweeper. I think we would still be together if we weren't both conflict-avoidant.

Thanks for all the advice.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

15 years is a long time to tolerate your H being in an emotional affair with someone.

Tamat


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

HiMaint57 said:


> Hi, I've posted before about this relationship, so I'll keep this very brief. Married 37 yrs, 2 grown children. High school sweethearts from very different social and economic backgrounds.
> About 10 years ago I had this need to be honest in our relationship, so I told H that I'd always felt he loved me more than I loved him. He's very giving, and I tend toward the selfish. Needless to say, he wasn't happy to hear this, but he wanted to stay married. Gradually we began to drift apart -- as follows:
> 
> - No intimacy of any kind for 10 years. It didn't help that I gained 60 pounds during that time and felt he would be repulsed by me.
> ...



start, with a blow job, men aren;t big on talk, we like action, you want to heal your marriage, shed some weight, make yourself attractive, and for god sakes, give him a BJ


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

TAMAT said:


> 15 years is a long time to tolerate your H being in an emotional affair with someone.
> 
> Tamat


put the shoe on the other foot, is 15 yrs a long time to tolerate someone complaining and being substantially overweight ? We should aways try to see things from both side, before judging, and then, try not judging at all.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> If he's the one you want, why not attempt the self-improvement while still married?
> 
> I don't see any rush.
> 
> ...


Do this, and then buy "The Love Dare" and do it for 40 days, then 80 days. If he sees you really mean it and are consistent and selfless, he may fall back in love with you.

Otherwise he will just think that you are attempting to play with him, and he is obviously not playing your games anymore.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

HiMaint57 said:


> Hi everyone -- just wanted to post an update. We are signing the stipulation for divorce in a few days.


Take it back. Ask for 3 months. Ask him to stop seeing his EA woman, and to give you one last chance. Move back in, give him bjs and do the Love Dare twice.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

DH,

I understand that she was 50% responsible for the state of her marriage, however her H was 100% responsible for his affair. 

Tamat


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DepressedHusband said:


> start, with a blow job, men aren;t big on talk, we like action, you want to heal your marriage, shed some weight, make yourself attractive, and for god sakes, give him a BJ


SERIOUSLY?? This is disgusting, I cannot believe you actually advised this.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

HiMaint57 said:


> I also learned not to be a rug-sweeper. I think we would still be together if we weren't both conflict-avoidant.


Living authentically -- true to your own values, thoughts, and feelings -- makes peace, contentment, and happiness possible. Living authentically requires being honest with yourself, and, sometimes disappointing others. Especially when you've gone off course, and getting further away from who you are and what you need.

You lament telling your husband 20 years ago what you did. Suppose it could have been delivered more delicately?... It was what it was and you delivered it in the manner you were equipped to do at the time. But don't regret feeling what you felt, and don't regret conveying your unhappiness. Be thankful something stuffed deep down in you finally found a way to be seen and heard by YOU.

Endeavor to be honest with yourself and choose actions/interactions based on your own interests, and to do so daily and in the moment.

The trouble isn't that time with him is not what you wanted, or that you spoke up about it, or that neither of you were able or willing to meet each other's needs, or whatever it was. The trouble comes when you deny the truth to yourself and others, and then the potential cost of that denial gets larger every day.

Many small truths, many small corrections to the course is the best way. But, sometimes bigger adjustments become necessary. But all are important to take...because this is your life, and it's the only thing that works -- for you, for him, for anyone.

Peace.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> SERIOUSLY?? This is disgusting, I cannot believe you actually advised this.


No reason for me to hold my tongue, she wants her marriage back, that is going to take some submission and self improvement. If she is unwilling to do either, which i suspect is a long running issue in the marriage based on the tone of her posts, her accusatory nature and inability to take ownership of any part of the situation, I see no reason why he should attempt to reconcile with a ungrateful nag who does nothing for him. 

Sometimes, you have to look at both sides.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that he should not attempt to reconcile, however, he has been unfaithful, so why should she lower herself to reward him for cheating? This marriage needs to end, it has been toxic beyond repair for many years.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> I agree that he should not attempt to reconcile, however, he has been unfaithful, so why should she lower herself to reward him for cheating? This marriage needs to end, it has been toxic beyond repair for many years.


Your excusing her behavior, there is a cost to every transaction in life. My statement was as follows, if she wants her hubby back, then she needs to give him a compelling reason to come back, and even if he doesn't, she is the better for it either way being thinner, more sexually open and having a higher likelyhood to find a new mate.


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