# 6 yrs Sexless



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

I must be the stupidest person on the planet to want to save this marriage. 42 year old woman, 14 yrs married, 13 yr old son, and 6 years with no sexual contact AT ALL. 

We used to fight about it alot in the beginning but it just was easier and more peaceful to just let it go. We're now more like good friends, or brother and sister. My hormones are raging right now and I've approached him for intimacy a few times in the last year. After this last time a month ago, I broke down and told him I couldn't continue living this way. Getting him to talk about his feelings has always been like pulling teeth but he did admit he doesn't love me anymore (though he claims he still finds me attractive) and that he's only been around for the sake of our son. Great. 

I told him we either need to work at this or get a divorce but that it would be up to him because I still love him, dream about having sex with him etc, and really want this to work. 

One month later, nothing has changed. Everything has gone back to the same roomate status we've had for 6 yrs. Pleasant even enjoyable most of the time but completely devoid of intimacy. I asked him yesterday if he had decided what he was doing and he said not to push him that he needed more time. Well, in the meantime I am dying a little bit inside every day. Part of me doesn't want tpo push him because I am afraid he is going to ultimately decide to leave. But if that is where he's headed, I think he needs to tell me - I'm not getting any younger. How long do I give him? Is there anything I can do to make this right again or has it just been way too long to overcome?

Just needed to unload. All my friends and family think we are a model couple.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Are you POSITIVE he's not gay?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Yes. I've caught him looking at internet porn numerous times over the years and it is all very hetero (well, with the exception of girl on girl stuff).

I've also asked if he's cheated on me and I believe him when he says no. No other signs to raise my suspicions.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How old is he?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

About to turn 41


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He is not being candid with you about what is going on.

And it is not fair to you to endure this.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

I've wondered this myself. He says he has long standing resentment towards me and blames me for not having more kids.

Background: We got pregnant right away while hus was in prof. school. He wanted to try right away for more kids but I thought we should wait til we were financially a little bit more stable. 5 yrs later we tried again to have children and couldn't - it was determined that it was his sperm and in-vitro was offered as an option. Soon after that is when he started shutting me out sexually and we never pursued any more options for having more kids. The whole trying to have kids/fertility testing stuff was very stressful. He thinks he would have been able to father children if we had tried sooner.

I don't know whether to believe this the complete reason or not.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Unloved,
This really screams an affair to me. I have just gone through this with my best friend. "More time" in her situation meant he was trying to decide between staying with her or leaving her for his *****. Sorry for the language. She didn't give him the chance to choose and good for her! She is in the process of divorcing him and moving on. She is also in her early 40's. 
I don't know if you ever suspected/thought it might be an affair but there are ways you can find out for sure. Keylogger on his computer is one and a VAR (voice activated recorder) is another. Both can be purchased at numerous places including Radio Shack. Instructions on how to use them are readily available on the internet. I don't know if he has a cell phone but you could go through his and check incoming and outgoing plus deleted calls and texts. Not sure how savvy you are but I am throwing that out anyways. 
As for him blaming you for the lack of more children, I think that is crap. Wanting a secure financial environment in which to bring more children in is admirable. Very admirable. To an outsider (like me) it appears his real problem was with himself and he is blameshifting that onto you. HE couldn't provide more children and blames you for that. I guarantee you if you would have had children when he wanted he would have blamed you for the financial situation and the "woo is me we now have two kids with little money" crap. 
I am so sorry you are going through this. I really am.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

unloved said:


> I've wondered this myself. He says he has long standing resentment towards me and blames me for not having more kids.
> I don't know whether to believe this the complete reason or not.


If he's giving this as a reason, it's at least part of why. When people give excuses they partly tell the truth at least. So this really was a problem for him. If you're really determined to try anything and don't wanna go for divorce, then start a friendly discussion about this and explain ...i dunno, how you're sorry you couldn't have any more kids together etc. Maybe he blames himself you both couldn't have more kids and he wishes he was given a chance back in the day where he could conceive. Who knows what's in his mind? Well, it's your 'job' to find out, gently and with love. 

Don't press him, don't stress him out about sex. Yes, it's horrible to not be able to sleep with your husband, but there's a forum full of this so it's very common sadly. As for your 6 years, maybe it'll encourage you to hear I know someone who went 10 years without. True, she kind of started it, but she put her act together and she now has a good sex life. If he says the reason is resentment, well, trying to form an emotional connection at this point, making him see that he can trust, love and respect you, should go a long way. 

Yes, there's also a chance of an affair but you have that chance in happy full of sex marriages too. If you have the inner strength completely ignore anything like this and just work on fixing your marriage and relationship with your husband. When you too are getting along well, he respects you, likes the way you look and can afford to be close to you without feeling guilty/angry, the sex will come. Good luck.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Brennan said:


> HE couldn't provide more children and blames you for that.
> 
> 
> > I dunno, maybe he really wanted more kids, and didn't have em till he couldn't. That's probably why he's blaming it on her. translate this into 'you robbed me with the chance to have kids' because she made him wait till he couldn't anymore. Add to this the feeling of 'unmanliness' he's getting from not being able to conceive....
> ...


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Nekko said:


> Brennan said:
> 
> 
> > HE couldn't provide more children and blames you for that.
> ...


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

So I'm not so good at just leaving things as they are. I practically begged for sex. I said, don't you want to be with a woman? (Answer - "God, yes - what he didn't say was as long as that woman isn't you). He said it would be like lying to me. I said I didn't care, I just needed to have sex. Oviously, nothing happened. Not one of my finer moments. 

This morning things are back to normal - joking around, pleasant conversation and he had the nerve to stand there talking to me without a shirt on all muscley and everything. I'm going nuts.


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

unloved said:


> Nekko said:
> 
> 
> > Brennan said:
> ...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Men do not lose their fertility as they age--he is "blaming" you without any basis in fact (unless you left out something about how he would have "lost" his fertility). 

The real issue is probably that he cannot accept the reality of "shooting blanks." And for him to harbor these feelings without discussion for years is another passive-aggressive attempt to punish you for something that is NOT your fault. 

He has been extremely unfair to you and I cannot imagine why you would want to stay with him, personally. He needs to grow up, realize that fatherhood is NOT about sperm-making, and adopt more kids if that is what he really wants. I know this is harsh, but seriously, for him to blame you like this is so, so wrong. Waiting for more stability is a very common--and wise--reason to delay child-bearing. 

Refuse to be his victim. Lay it on the line--he deal with his infertility, or you walk. Yes, it is painful to realize one cannot create biological children in the "usual" way. People get past that all the time WHEN THEY DEAL WITH IT. 

Good luck. You will have to make a choice here and then it's in his hands--I think you've given enough time and don't need to wait much longer for him to start counseling for his issues. That will be a positive sign, one worth waiting to see some progress. But if he doesn't make or doesn't keep appointments, he's more determined to avoid the issue by blaming you, and it is unlikely ever to resolve fully. Good luck.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

What I would like to know is: How do either of you even KNOW it was because of him shooting blanks? Did he ever have a sperm test? Me & My hubby went through 6 yrs of infertility AFTER having one child easily. It ended up being ME that had the issue, not him. Was their any testing in your case?? 

Many many things can go wrong fertility wise, it is not always the man. It would be sad if he just assumed this all these years and it had nothing to do with his potency at all. Just a thought.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> What I would like to know is: How do either of you even KNOW it was because of him shooting blanks? Did he ever have a sperm test? Me & My hubby went through 6 yrs of infertility AFTER having one child easily. It ended up being ME that had the issue, not him. Was their any testing in your case??
> 
> Many many things can go wrong fertility wise, it is not always the man. It would be sad if he just assumed this all these years and it had nothing to do with his potency at all. Just a thought.


We went through the whole fertility thing with a specialist. Had to have been trying unsuccessfully for one year for insurance to start covering for it. First step was the whole basal temp charting and ovulation kit thing. Then they put me through a battery of tests. When nothing abnormal showed up, the doctor recommended my husband get tested, which he did, twice. The next step we were offered was in vitro but obviously things took a nose dive and now here we are. 

I have no idea what went wrong with his sperm in those 5 years since I got pregnant with our first child immediately. And, yes, the boy is his.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

He says he doesn't love you and it seems as if he's enjoying the fact that you are begging him to have sex with you. This sounds horrid and cruel. 

I'm your age and I have to say that your life is NOT over. I would talk to a divorce lawyer and find out your options and get the hell out before you really are old and alone. 

Better to live alone and be happy then be with someone and miserable. 

I had a very similar situation where my sex life with my husband had come to a screeching halt and our marriage was sexless or had lackluster sex for over a year. However, we were able to sit down and talk over things and there was a lot of resentment and anger issues that had to be worked out. The difference was that, my husband wanted to talk and work it out as much I did.

It sounds like your husband doesn't give a damn and if that's the case then it's time to walk. If you want to remain friends with him that's fine. Perhaps he'll realize his mistake someday but you shouldn't have to wait around praying and hoping for that time to come. You need to start making changes and taking control of your own life. You still have a lot of life ahead of you and deserve better.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

So things are right back to where they were. He's not talking about "it" with me and we're back to pleasant roomate status. He does seem to be extra nice to me lately - thanking me for doing things and doing alot of housework himself. I just don't know how he can't see the giant elephant in the room. I told him I was giving him space to figure things out but I not giving him weeks to do it!

I let myself be hit on at the gym last night and even flirted back and encouraged it. I never go that far when I get hit on. I was late getting home to make dinner but I didn't care. I needed that little self esteem boost. Wasn't going to act on it. He told me he was going through a divorce and at some point he asked if I was married or had a BF. After I said I was married, the conversation ended fairly quickly I wasn't planning to "volunteer" that info.

Back to husband. I'm wondering if there might be some "man" issue at play here that he's too embarassed to talk about in addition to the reasons he mentioned. Maybe not. But how would I go about broaching the subject without him getting defensive if there is a problem in that arena.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

*shakes head* What "man" issue are you thinking of? Are you thinking he's impotent? I'm not sure where you are going with this. I think you are way past the point of dealing with the "why" about all this. Now it's about the "how" you fix it. 

I will say that having an affair won't solve anything. It will make things worse, MUCH worse. If you truly love your husband and want to save this marriage then you need to work it out with him. I'd think about therapy and if he won't go with you then go for it alone. 

At the very least you both need to be open and honest and stop playing around. You aren't room mates or buddies, you're a married couple and need to start acting like it. Last time I checked, sex was part of a healthy marriage. You don't have to do it six days a week but every six years isn't even close to normal. Time to wake up and smell the coffee. It sounds like both of you are literally living a lie here. 

If he doesn't love you and you're not happy and there isn't a marriage then figure it out already. You're not getting any younger, he's not going to change and isn't interested in changing so if you want to stop playing house and end this charade then end the marriage and begin your life over and stop coming up with excuses. You are still young, seem to still be able to attract men so why waste time at this point? Get with the program or get out. 

Harsh words, I know..but I've lived your life and it stinks. It can and should be better.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This has nothing nada zip zilch to do with you. This is all him and all about an absence of desire on his part. And he simply does not want to man up and tell you the truth - he is just blaming you which is abusive....

You cannot fix this and neither can he - he simply lacks desire. And 6 years shows he doesn't care how much he is harming you....



unloved said:


> So things are right back to where they were. He's not talking about "it" with me and we're back to pleasant roomate status. He does seem to be extra nice to me lately - thanking me for doing things and doing alot of housework himself. I just don't know how he can't see the giant elephant in the room. I told him I was giving him space to figure things out but I not giving him weeks to do it!
> 
> I let myself be hit on at the gym last night and even flirted back and encouraged it. I never go that far when I get hit on. I was late getting home to make dinner but I didn't care. I needed that little self esteem boost. Wasn't going to act on it. He told me he was going through a divorce and at some point he asked if I was married or had a BF. After I said I was married, the conversation ended fairly quickly I wasn't planning to "volunteer" that info.
> 
> Back to husband. I'm wondering if there might be some "man" issue at play here that he's too embarassed to talk about in addition to the reasons he mentioned. Maybe not. But how would I go about broaching the subject without him getting defensive if there is a problem in that arena.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Jeepers six years? Why do people wait so long?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Jeepers six years? Why do people wait so long?


Here's why:

1. For my son - my husband is a very good father and a divorce would hurt my son very much. We rarely fight (and when we do, we make sure he's not home) and pretty much have faked a model marriage so I don't think our problems have impacted him at all.

2. Lack of individual financial security - I have a part time job that I love but I only make $12000/yr. I would have to give that up and look for another. My husband doesn't make a huge amount of money, so it's not like I could live off of alimony.

3. He's my best friend - We have alot of values/opinions/hobbies in common. 

4. My family/friends love him - once again, we've faked this model marriage. It would shock everyone if we got divorced.


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## ducky (Feb 17, 2010)

UL, I have been married for 24 years and we have had long periods of time where we were not sexual with one another. I would say in retrospect that it generally comes down to a lack of intimate communication. I think men have a particularly harder time coming to grips with their sexual blocks than women because it is so tied up in their self esteem. If it is a physical problem he will be less likely to seek medical attention, even talking about it to a doctor can be too humiliating to bear for many men. If you are really close and there is reliable trust in the relationship talking to you about it will probably be the easiest course for him. Write him a letter explaining how much you love him and want to have a loving intimate relationship with him and sex is a really important part of that for you (deal breaker?). Tell him that not dealing with the issue is not an option and that you want to be with him on the journey, whatever the issue is you will work on it together because you love him but it is not respectful to you if he refuses to try.

You said you found some porn that he was looking at, is there a particular kind he has a preference for? Do you ever watch it together? Do you ever pleasure yourself while he watches? I have found that if I put on some porn that I think my husband will enjoy and touch myself he will want to participate. I have told him I understand that he doesn't feel up to it but I would really like to just be close to him, is it okay if I just lay next to him while I have my orgasm, no pressure, but I want to feel close to him. This has helped to restore some of the intimacy I thought was missing, it may work for you.

I know for myself when I was feeling particularly frustrated I would always ask myself if I could imagine myself being happier with someone else and the answer has always been no. Even if I never had sex with my husband ever again I would not want to be with another man as long as he is alive. So we work on it and love each other on the way.

FWIW, what others think is their business and, I think, should have no bearing on the choices you make for yourself or your relationship.


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

It's been a few weeks, but thank you ducky for that thoughtful reply.

We've had several heart to hearts about our situation. I'm becoming less emotional with each talk and that seems to be helping some. The children issue is huge for him. I am really understanding the depth of his pain in that regard. 

I did, in our last conversation, ask him if it was over for good or if there was still a chance for us. Sharing that info is only fair to me and will let me make some decisions of my own. I said every time he doesn't answer me when I ask him if it is over, I just assume there is a chance - he said "that's a good assumption". So now I'm hopeful that there might be something to salvage. But once again nothing has changed AT ALL. 

In my mind, I'm giving him til school lets out to make some kind of attempt. If not, I'll sadly be filing for divorce. I'm sick of being strung along and need to get off this emotional rollercoaster.


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