# Feeling taken for granted



## GregH87 (Jan 22, 2014)

Hello All,


I am new to this forum and decided to give it a try since the internet has turned into a place of solitude recently. I have never posted about my marriage, so I do apologize if my approach is a bit awkward. I would classify myself as a good husband; loyal, honest, hardworking, and committed to my marriage. However in recent months since my marriage began my wife has increasingly shown willingness not care about our marriage. 
When I mention being careless I'm not talking from the perspective of a guy who has a problem with my wife having hobbies or outings that don't involve me. Every now and then we all as men also need to get away from the wife and regain our composure as joint leaders in marriage. I simply say this because of her unwillingness to move completely out of her parents house for good, as well as stop prioritizing her job and friends over our marriage.
I do admit that many married couples go through a transition phase that requires some adjusting to, but its been 6 months now since we moved to a new city which is 1 1/2 hours away from her parents' house and her job. Our plan when moving was to both find jobs along with our schooling in this new city. Yet something changed with her that has now caused her to not want to leave her parents' house and transition to a new job. 
Let me put things in perspective, we are both graduate students who also hold jobs, we make only enough to get by as it is, and each month have to pinch pennies to make ends meet. She's convinced that commuting 115 miles each way is a normal thing that all people do, although she's had several offers from the hospital that's right across the street from us. She also believes that I should be able to tolerate not seeing her for 3-4 days per week while she hangs out at her parents' house between shifts. Yet, when she is around our home she demands that I give her sex at her beckon ( literally). Spending time just enjoying each others company for some reason has become a task that I always plan ( since she spends all her time browsing facebook each day).
To make matters worst she's spent so much money on gas driving back and forth she now believes in her mind that she needs to work extra shifts at this job to make up for the lost wages, although as simple solution would to be taking a better paying job in our city. In the past I moved 600 miles just to be in the state she lived in so that our relationship could grow, and because she pestered me every day that I needed to find a new job in order to be with her. Yet now after 9 months of being married I feel like I'm being screwed over by a self-centered human being. 
We have been together for 6 years before getting married ( four of those years involved being college students). I tell her that I have needs too, since no one likes being left for days at a time and barely hearing from their spouse. We have a home that I maintain by myself practically, as she just waltzes in and out whenever she feels. I finally told her a few weeks ago that I feel taken for granted and abandoned by her actions. How does she respond? She gets angry with me as if I did something to her. 
I am aware that I'm dealing with an emotionally immature woman, but the question is how do I deal with this? Its like being married to "two-face". Some days she's caring and thoughtful, yet other days she's all about herself, her job, her friends and could care less about me as a human being. Goes out with her friends and spends tons of money while we don't even have food in our fridge. When the tables are turned and I make a decision that involves having fun or bettering myself she calls me non stop asking when will I be home or where I am located. This crap is gonna drive me insane to be honest. 
I just don't know where to start besides counseling. I have tried to be as flexible as possible with the whole 3-4 four days at a time not seeing her, but realized that its not fair at all to not have my needs met when she's not around, yet to be demanded to give her "sex" whenever shes present. Maybe I married a human being who was never suited for a relationship in the first place? I often blame myself for not seeing this sooner. Feel free to call me stupid, because I feel so just by typing this out.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

GregH87 said:


> Goes out with her friends and spends tons of money while we don't even have food in our fridge.


You know what I would do? I would walk right into that bar and tell all the friends "Do you know we don't have food and here is she is buying everybody a drink?".

Hopefully she will be ashamed than.

I would not take that.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Her behavior sounds dysfunctional.

Since you do not have children divorce might be the best thing.

If you feel hope that she might change, tell her it is time for MC.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Well, my usual answer to marital problems is transparency and active listening, and I think that applies here. I don't know how you talked to her recently, but I would suggest calmly telling her you both need to sit down and talk and really listen to each other. 

Maybe start by asking her how she thinks the marriage is going, is it meeting her needs, etc. Use active listening here (repeating back to her what she says, maybe using probing questions, basically just really trying to understand her position).

Realize you are going to have to be the leader in this, and so you are going to have to not only initiate the conversation, but do the listening part first.

When you feel you sufficiently understand her side of things, and she is calm and feeling understood and respected (this is key; she must feel this way, and not like she is just being interrogated), you tell her how you feel, again, in a respectful but clear way. Ask her if she understands. 

Then, set some boundaries, backed up by facts.

For example, go over your income. Show her what her frequent trips home are costing, and how they eat into the budget (there is a budget, right?). Then, get into the feeling part of it: Why does she feel the need to go home so often? What could you do together instead to fulfill that need?

You're going to have to be patient and really listen, and then genuinely try to meet whatever need is pulling her home.

And if you are still feeling, at the end of the conversation, that she has not and can not make a commitment to you that is greater than the one to her parents and frankly, herself, you may need to put divorce on the table. Explain that it is not something you want, but it may have to come to that, if you cannot find a way, this early on, to meet each other's needs.

Just a side note: my oldest brother had a similar problem with his wife the first few years they were married. She thought they would spend every weekend with her parents. He put a stop to it.

And honestly, the first time we were living in dh's home country, he seemed to think we would go to his parents' home every weekend, too, for the first few weeks. I don't really like his parents, and I put my foot down, too. I really enjoyed our weekends with just our little family, and dh found he liked them, too. But he is the oldest son in his family, and the sense of duty was just very strong.

Good luck with this, and please let us know how it goes. All the best.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

GregH87 said:


> In the past I moved 600 miles just to be in the state she lived in so that our relationship could grow, and because she pestered me every day that I needed to find a new job in order to be with her. Yet now after 9 months of being married I feel like I'm being screwed over by a self-centered human being.


When you did it, she was a pest to want you near. Now that she's doing it she is a self-centered, immature human being.

Sounds like she can't win no matter what she does.

You live alone 4 days a week while she lives and works in another city. You should be buying food and stocking your fridge yourself.



> its not fair at all to not have my needs met when she's not around, yet to be demanded to give her "sex" whenever shes present.


Your needs like having the fridge stocked? Some guys would like having their wife demand sex whenever she's present. Just sayin'



> When the tables are turned and I make a decision that involves having fun or bettering myself she calls me non stop asking when will I be home or where I am located.


Around here this is called the 180 and you should be doing it. Stock your own fridge with healthy nutritious food, eat right, exercise, socialize (NOT in bars flirting with OW, contra some of the bastardized 180 advice).


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You sound like you really resent and hate her. To me it sounds like you want a mother not a wife- you hate that she demands sex and you hate that your fridge isn't stocked (a "mommy" job).

I don't blame her for staying at her parents. She has a job and is a grad student. She doesn't need to be a grown man's mother on top of it.

Sorry if I come across harsh. Not trying to be mean, just a wake up call.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blonde said:


> When you did it, she was a pest to want you near. Now that she's doing it she is a self-centered, immature human being.
> 
> Sounds like she can't win no matter what she does.
> 
> ...


Wow, I can't imagine how you got this from what he posted. 

They agreed together to move to this city and both find new jobs, but she's been offered a higher paying job very near where he lives, but doesn't want to take it.

She's spending gas money to go to her old job 115 miles away and staying there 4 days a week. 

There's no food in the fridge not because she's not the one going out to buy it, but because she's spending so much money on gas and going out partying with her friends.

When they first got together she pestered him to move 600 miles to be together with her, and he did. He fully committed. Now 6 years later they're married, and she's refusing to do for him what he did for her. She's not fully committed. She's a part time wife when she wants to be and acting like a single girl the rest of the time.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Couple of issues.

You are not co-leaders in your marriage. She is the leader. How do I know? The marriage is set up according to her standards and not your standards.

Basically, she is getting what's important to her out of her marriage. It's kind of a common problem that people have in that they think what they individually need is the same as what everyone else individually needs. So if she needs sex, then she thinks everyone cares mainly about sex and they do not understand that their spouse may need "quality time". 

Another problem is I don't believe people should get married until they are set, in particular until the man is set as far as career and where to live. 

But the answer to your dilemma is not all that hard. Clearly this is not a marriage by anyone's definition, period. You have to tell her that this is not your idea of marriage... You have to tell her the basic principles that you MUST HAVE in your marriage (living together 7 days per week being one of them, time together, recreation etc..). And you tell her to think about whether that is what she wants in a marriage and to let you know.

Where I would be wiilling to negotiate is whether you live in your new city vs your old city. You may have to think outside the box to arriave at the marriage you both need.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> Wow, I can't imagine how you got this from what he posted.
> 
> They agreed together to move to this city and both find new jobs, but she's been offered a higher paying job very near where he lives, but doesn't want to take it.
> 
> ...


We read it differently. (((((shrug)))))

Ive been a grad student and kept my fridge stocked and myself fed just fine (though the stipend is bare bones). Didn't even have a side job which I imagine would be very stressful and draining even without dealing with an unhappy spouse.


> She's convinced that commuting 115 miles each way is a normal thing that all people do


My husband lives away in hotels 2-4 nights a week for work so his wife is RIGHT- it is a NORMAL thing that many people do. Life does not go on hold when he is gone, and when he comes home I don't resent sex. In our case, his absences work out very nicely- I think we both like the space. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder"


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blonde said:


> You sound like you really resent and hate her. To me it sounds like you want a mother not a wife- you hate that she demands sex and you hate that your fridge isn't stocked (a "mommy" job).





GregH87 said:


> Goes out with her friends and spends tons of money while we don't even have food in our fridge.


This is the only thing he said about the fridge. How do you get to your viewpoint based on what he said?



Blonde said:


> I don't blame her for staying at her parents. She has a job and is a grad student. She doesn't need to be a grown man's mother on top of it.





GregH87 said:


> Let me put things in perspective, we are both graduate students who also hold jobs, we make only enough to get by as it is, and each month have to pinch pennies to make ends meet.


So let me get this straight. He has a need for companionship with his wife that's not getting met, but he should just give up on that because she's too busy being a grad student and holding a job, just like him?



GregH87 said:


> Our plan when moving was to both find jobs along with our schooling in this new city.


They made a plan. From his use of the word "our" I assume they made it together or at least both agreed to it. Now he's living by that agreement but she's not, but you're condemning him for being upset about it?


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

NF,

I hear resentment in the OP and if I can hear it his wife can feel it. It's unattractive and I understand why she doesn't want to make the move to be with him full time juggling school and a job along with his resentment.

Where are all the usual people pushing "man up" and being attractive to one's wife???

But maybe the divorce pushers are right. If he is already so unhappy with her and denying her sex when they are newlyweds, there are no kids yet. Just end it.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blonde said:


> NF,
> 
> I hear resentment in the OP and if I can hear it his wife can feel it. It's unattractive and I understand why she doesn't want to make the move to be with him full time juggling school and a job along with his resentment.
> 
> ...


The resentment comes across loud and clear, no mistake there. Where we differ on this is you think the resentment is _causing_ her to not want to move to be with him, while I think the resentment is _caused_ by her not wanting to move to be with him. 

So which came first, the resentment or her not committing to the marriage? I don't see anything in the first post about problems before the move, so maybe you could pinpoint for me where you find that the resentment came first?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Where are all the usual people pushing "man up" and being attractive to one's wife???


Why should he wish to be attractive to her if she spends the money FOR FOOD on going out with her friends and he is HUNGRY?

She must stop this behaviour first.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Greg,

Just looking at the 87 in your handle. If that is a birth year, I have children born 84, 86, and 88. So please take my advice as "motherly" -given with love and concern. I admit that I tend to feel what it must be like in the "wife skin" when reading here.

If you do lean toward ending it, please try this first: Marriage Help Program For Couples


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Blonde said:


> I admit that I tend to feel what it must be like in the "wife skin" when reading here.


What must it be like?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Greg, find some time to read No More Mr Nice Guy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Yes, you had a "plan" in place to find jobs in your new city & now she is backing out of the plan. I'm sorry but your marriage & you are not her priority. A 115 mile commute IS ridiculous especially if she is able to find a job closer but "refuses" to even try.

I think you are a "tick in the box" to her. Marriage - check. She got her box ticked & is free now to do whatever is best for her not whatever is best for the marriage.

Sure try counseling. If she refuses to go or listen to a counselor then maybe you can decide if this is how you want or do not want to live.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> Why should he wish to be attractive to her if she spends the money FOR FOOD on going out with her friends and he is HUNGRY?


 Mommy, I'm *hungry*? 

LOL, you just proved my point! 

Born '87 would make him 27 and he is a very responsible grad student with a job on the side. 

If he genuinely does not have money for food, then it's time for a separate bank account where his check is auto-deposited to his account so he can feed himself- that is what I would do if my husband lurched uber controlling of the finances to the point where I am going hungry.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Here, maybe hearing it from the much revered Athol Kay will be more effective 

You Can’t Make a Positive Change With Negative Emotions | Married Man Sex Life


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She sounds selfish and entitled not to mention self centered. You had to see these traits before you married her but you went ahead with it any how. Can you say "whose fault is that?"

Look. It comes down to this, She does what she wants, when she want it and how she wants it and you keep feeding the fire by not doing anything about it. So you got a choice.

Either keep things as they are and suffer or sit her ass down and let it all hang out and tell her that this isn't a good way for the marriage to start and changes have to be made that satisfy both or she can stay at Mumsys. 

The longer this goes on the more you will be walked on and if it continues your both going to be making a trip to the court house when it ends in divorce. Your the only one that can do something about it. 

Let her know that if she wants to be your wife then it can't be a one way street with her and if she doesn't listen or care then you know that it was a mistake and end it before your too deep in it.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Blonde said:


> NF,
> Where are all the usual people pushing "man up" and being attractive to one's wife???


 Were here. Problem is she needs to "woman up". She needs to stop running home to Mumsy and Daddy and start acting like an adult for a change. She got married so it's time for her to leave the nest and move on with her husband

By the way. I was born in 47 so I'm not a kid


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