# EA and all sorts of fringe issues



## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Hi- this is the first time i'm sharing apart from with a friend who started acting superior and holier-than-thou. 
Been married for 19 years. With a 7 year old daughter. We haven't had sex for nearly 11 years now (daughter was IUI). it was ok in the initial years and then started trailing. Around the time we were under pressure to have a child and my PCOS was preventing it, my husband started facing ED. he had been on high BP meds since forever. so i attributed the ED to those, and also the clinical pressure to perform. We were quite happy otherwise. i always felt he is extremely ambitious at work, and therefore stood by him when he spent long hours at work. there were office parties almost every alternate day, and he'd be back post midnight, quite drunk. I believed they were necessary to team-building and office politics. 

after my daughter's birth i developed adenomyosis- a painful uterine condition. because of which i would be indisposed for a week every month. while i took care of the house, my ability to work outside got slowly compromised. i took on reduced responsibilities and pay-cuts. then we moved to a new country on his work. i had to discontinue since my company didn't have presence here. i wanted to work again after setting down here, and tried, but on a dependant visa work was difficult to come by. i knew some people through my husband's circle and with his consent got a contract assignment through one of them.

There's this lady who works with a big consulting firm. She is the wife of an ex-colleague/friend of my husband's. Many years back when she was in a situation similar to mine (husband transferred to new country/she on dependent visa) my husband pulled some strings and got her placed in his org. using that as a propeller she did very well in her career. she is pretty and smart and highly ambitious. they don't have any kids. She is known in the circles as a coquette- cracking innuendos, sitting in men's laps in jest, somehow bringing conversations to the topics of sex, orgasm, etc. in fact my husband once came from an office party and shared that she's a bit strange and made inappropriate comments about a couple of male colleagues to him (he is about 2 grades her senior at work, and 9-10 years in age)

cut to Jan '20. we were vacationing back home. i got to know that my husband had taken this lady on a big project directly under him. i did not think much of it. then he started visiting their place for drinks. this was odd because we get very little time together in the entire year, and this was our sole annual vacation. then he would leave me and daughter at the hotel and proceed for dinner with another lady colleague. apart from this he was partying nearly everyday with his colleagues in bigger groups. 
one evening we were 3 couples and my kid. we were invited for dinner at the club by one of the couples. the other couple was this consultant lady and her husband. they decided to hitch a ride in our car. on the way, i was shocked to see how this lady was commanding my husband to increase the AC, then reduce it, then stop on the way for something she needed. I know my husband and i could sense that he was feeling awkward. At the club, she promptly seated herself next to my husband at very close quarters and started talking in hushed tones about some work. Simultaneously she was asking him to order her drink, to get the ice right, to instruct the waiter on her preference on some dishes...and my husband was gladly complying. But i could see clear as day that he was averting his eyes from me. after a few drinks, predictably, this lady started with her off-color jokes. Looking at my husband sideways, started talking about her cleavage. 
i would like to add that by this time they had made a couple of foreign trips to other countries on work together. there were two more members travelling with them.
That evening i felt she had enough reasons to be informal and comfortable with him. He was visibly in a fix probably because they were both used to each other's company, only not in my presence.
she pulled him and the other guy up to dance with her. the other wife and i were awkward, but we carried on with polite conversation. i was glaring at my husband quite a lot and he was totally averting eyes and ignoring my presence.
on our way back she rambled about on some totally irrelevant and hugely inappropriate stuff about having sex when a woman is on her periods.
That night on i stopped talking to my husband. He also did not initiate.
the other day i went to office for a few hours and then was returning early and unannounced. i see my husband walking with this lady and both of them clearly saw me and both ignored me.
i felt a little kick in my stomach.
that evening i wept and requested him to keep his distance from her. He did not indulge me.
for the rest of the vacation, the only time we exchanged words was for me to repeat that request, and his stone faced silent response.
we came back to our country of residence. Turned out the lady and her husband had also taken a transfer here.
we weren't speaking- from the vacation in Jan to end of feb. then in march i asked him again to move her away from his project. It was really easy for him. she is just an outsourced consultant in his team; he could have told her the project did not need her expertise any more and she could have found another project under a different Vice President. but he didn't budge.
i felt very lost and helpless. i was telling a friend back home about this. and on this odd day in march after having cried for 20 days non-stop, unheard, i thought i should just end my life. i messaged this friend of mine- it must've been something very dark and fatalistic. somehow this friend of mine contacted his regional office, got his number and had pushed him to urgently go back home to check on me. He came. saw me, and said very angrily- ok i'll ask her to quit.

later in the evening he showed me his mail to her, which was very abrupt, although, indeed asking her to quit by March end. thereafter he started telling me how she was rounding up support from other team members over her ousting- how she'll take him to the HR and sue him, how his job and career would get jeopardised. i got scared. i immediately relented and asked him to withdraw it politely. the same night he withdrew his request for her to quit. i asked him to promise that he'll slowly and strategically phase her out from his project. Just to share- this was very doable, wouldnt have harmed either her or him, or the project, where she'd been all of 4 months. he promised he would.

thereafter, lockdown started. he made no initiative to speak to me. he set up his office in the basement. i decided that i will be nice but not clingy. i set up my workplace on the second floor of the house. there was complete silence between us. i would source ingredients for his favorite dishes (slightly difficult in lockdown when we dont even have a car), cook, and send them through my daughter. once a month later i tried to come down to the basement, but he sent my daughter to intercept me and say 'no mama, you are not allowed in the basement'. i didn't step there after that. for the next 5 months. for these months of lockdown i've had no life- only work, cook, clean, and take care of my daughter. once i asked my daughter if i could come with them for their evening walk. i was in the kitchen hoping to be asked. within earshot, my daughter asked him 'papa is mama coming with us?' he said 'i definitely hope not'.

My adenomyosis was acting up horribly by now. i used to be writhing in pain on the bathroom floor, and worry that i'd pass out. i decided to go for a hysterectomy. since my husband's company provides the insurance i mailed him to get me an appointment with the surgeon, informing him that i was in unbearable pain.
he never asked how i was doing, how i was coping. i followed up after a week, and he replied that he simply forgot to check for an appointment. thereafter he did get me one...

(so sorry, this narrative has already become so wordy...what shall i do? continue or submit this and follow through with the rest?)


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

iwantittobebetter said:


> Hi- this is the first time i'm sharing apart from with a friend who started acting superior and holier-than-thou.
> Been married for 19 years. With a 7 year old daughter. We haven't had sex for nearly 11 years now (daughter was IUI). it was ok in the initial years and then started trailing. Around the time we were under pressure to have a child and my PCOS was preventing it, my husband started facing ED. he had been on high BP meds since forever. so i attributed the ED to those, and also the clinical pressure to perform. We were quite happy otherwise. i always felt he is extremely ambitious at work, and therefore stood by him when he spent long hours at work. there were office parties almost every alternate day, and he'd be back post midnight, quite drunk. I believed they were necessary to team-building and office politics.
> 
> after my daughter's birth i developed adenomyosis- a painful uterine condition. because of which i would be indisposed for a week every month. while i took care of the house, my ability to work outside got slowly compromised. i took on reduced responsibilities and pay-cuts. then we moved to a new country on his work. i had to discontinue since my company didn't have presence here. i wanted to work again after setting down here, and tried, but on a dependant visa work was difficult to come by. i knew some people through my husband's circle and with his consent got a contract assignment through one of them.
> ...


i followed up with the doctor, got my tests done- used to have to take 2-3 buses. they were tough and painful times. coming to the decision that i would have to get my uterus removed. but i got no support. he wasn't even interested to know what was up.
he used to go to his basement den at 7 am, come up for his bottle of vodka/food, a walk with my daughter sometimes and finally come up to bed at 1-1:30 am. this was the routine throughout the lockdown. 
one evening in Aug i had stepped out for groceries. on return i found my daughter was upstairs in bed. i could hear my husband's voice coming from downstairs- he was talking in hushed intimate tones. i slowly sneaked downstairs, fearing the worst and hoping it wasnt. i heard him say '..you know what i want...what i want is you' In the sweetest, most caressing of voices that i hadn't heard for 15-16 years. then he said my name over the microphone and laughed derisively 'her? ah no need to tell her..why would we want to tell her'. i was winded. completely numb. i was holding a little pot of soy sauce in my hands. like a zombie i went inside the basement office. and on the screen was indeed the same lady. he immediately disconnected the call. for a second he was sheepish. then he became belligerent. he said ' what!! what do you want?? you want to pour that thing over me??' saying that he snatched the soy sauce from my hand and threw it on the table. then he picked up a ceramic plate and said 'you must be wanting to break this on my head'. he took it and smashed it on his own head. my daughter came down hearing his yelling. he suddenly became gentle 'sweetie, be careful...there are shards here...dont step on these...i'll remove them'. i asked him to show his office chats with her. he refused. i insisted. he said i'll pack up and leave for a hotel. he did so. i kept crying lying on those shards, i wept and then bawled for hours. i kept calling him on the phone...asking him to speak to me...to level with me...to show me the chats. He kept taking it on a parallel track- sent me pictures of his bleeding cuts on the head, saying 'see this is what you did' 'YOU smashed the plate on my head and then kicked me out of the house'


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> my husband had taken this lady on a big project directly under him.


He sure did.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

This is not a marriage. How do you feel about divorce? Because I think you need one.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why do you need to see any more info? That completely baffles me!

divorce him! He isn’t a husband. He’s a jerk who hasn’t been your partner in years.

file, you’ll be relieved when this craziness is over and done with!


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> This is not a marriage. How do you feel about divorce? Because I think you need one.


Oh God! This is the first time I’ve narrated the details of it. And I couldn’t even finish yesterday. I was overwhelmed. Your unequivocal reaction hits me hard. I have to think about things now.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Why do you need to see any more info? That completely baffles me!
> 
> divorce him! He isn’t a husband. He’s a jerk who hasn’t been your partner in years.
> 
> file, you’ll be relieved when this craziness is over and done with!


It got even worse thereafter. But then it got better. I need to tell more, please.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i followed up with the doctor, got my tests done- used to have to take 2-3 buses. they were tough and painful times. coming to the decision that i would have to get my uterus removed. but i got no support. he wasn't even interested to know what was up.
> he used to go to his basement den at 7 am, come up for his bottle of vodka/food, a walk with my daughter sometimes and finally come up to bed at 1-1:30 am. this was the routine throughout the lockdown.
> one evening in Aug i had stepped out for groceries. on return i found my daughter was upstairs in bed. i could hear my husband's voice coming from downstairs- he was talking in hushed intimate tones. i slowly sneaked downstairs, fearing the worst and hoping it wasnt. i heard him say '..you know what i want...what i want is you' In the sweetest, most caressing of voices that i hadn't heard for 15-16 years. then he said my name over the microphone and laughed derisively 'her? ah no need to tell her..why would we want to tell her'. i was winded. completely numb. i was holding a little pot of soy sauce in my hands. like a zombie i went inside the basement office. and on the screen was indeed the same lady. he immediately disconnected the call. for a second he was sheepish. then he became belligerent. he said ' what!! what do you want?? you want to pour that thing over me??' saying that he snatched the soy sauce from my hand and threw it on the table. then he picked up a ceramic plate and said 'you must be wanting to break this on my head'. he took it and smashed it on his own head. my daughter came down hearing his yelling. he suddenly became gentle 'sweetie, be careful...there are shards here...dont step on these...i'll remove them'. i asked him to show his office chats with her. he refused. i insisted. he said i'll pack up and leave for a hotel. he did so. i kept crying lying on those shards, i wept and then bawled for hours. i kept calling him on the phone...asking him to speak to me...to level with me...to show me the chats. He kept taking it on a parallel track- sent me pictures of his bleeding cuts on the head, saying 'see this is what you did' 'YOU smashed the plate on my head and then kicked me out of the house'


I called up my mother in law. After a year of not having spoken with her. There’s another track there. The year before i had seen messages on my husband’s phone- both of them talking about my adenomyosis and saying that i am nothing but a whole lot of trouble. 
to clarify- i am not all sickness and trouble. I am a nice person, a great host, i happily host a bunch of his office parties, his visiting aunt-uncle, their extended families and everyone goes back gushing about my hospitality.
Also in the spirit of total disclosure- his parents have had issues with me because we married partly against their wishes. In the early years of our marriage they tried to intimidate me and my parents. After taking it for a couple of years i pushed back. I put my foot down and let them know they weren’t welcome in my home. My husband would then invite them and his sisters family without my knowledge or consent...he’d just spring it as a surprise to me. Once i got so pissed with him that i did say ‘you’re a coward. You can’t face issues. You can’t stand up for your wife. You are a small man with a small ****’
That statement became the bane of my life. Every time we had an argument in the next 15 years, he’d throw that at me.
Going back, I called up my mil and told her things were bad. That He had left home. And also told her about the consultant lady friend of his.
Mil, bless her, called him n convinced him to come home.
He came. He was ready to show me his office chats, but with a time limit of 30 min. He said i cudnt touch his phone, and that he has already deleted their whatsapp exchanges.
I went through the messages and while they weren’t too incriminating, there were too many of them. I could hardly glance at a few. They were relaxed banter between two close friends- ‘what wine are you having...I prefer this...im listening to sultans of swing and particularly like this piece...’ i did notice a very sweet concerned msg from him ‘hey xyz, are you really ok? In this morning’s call i felt there was something a lil different in your voice. Im very concerned. Tell me you’re ok’
I realised it was around the same time I’d asked him to get me a doctors appointment and he ‘just forgot’.
So the exchanges weren’t particularly incriminating. But then most of their interactions are through voice calls. And he’s alert. Many a times in the years I have heard him say to colleagues not to write anything sensitive over skype/teams as hr keeps an eye on them.
All the while i was looking at his msgs he was hovering menacingly. At about 25 minutes he said , now get moving, ur 40 min are up...i said no, I still have time...at this he picked up the laptop and smashed it on the kitchen table breaking both the items.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He had plenty of time to delete whatever was there - that he did t want you to see.
He has been disrespecting you and disregarding you for a LONG time!

send him away with one bag! Don’t have him come back...why would you want him? He’s a jerk to you!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I had to stop at “his bottle of vodka” at 6am. Please explain his redeeming qualities.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I had to stop at “his bottle of vodka” at 6am. Please explain his redeeming qualities.


a fair question- he used to be extremely loving and attentive in the first couple of years of our marriage. except if he had to stand up to his parents' digs at me or my folks.
he's also been extremely good to my parents, and my late younger brother. but during the time of his EA with the lady, he refused to call them up at all. my parents are emotionally frail after my brother's untimely death, and look upto him as their own son. i have never had the heart to tell them anything wrong that he has done lest it finishes them completely. probably that is one of the reasons i haven't had the courage to call it off.
he is also very secular about house-work, pulls his own weight. enthusiastically cooks, sometimes cleans. you see, the downturn happened significantly in the last few years when he started to criticise my house-keeping, my child-rearing, my looks, my parents' relationship with each other, my academic and professional performance. in our early years he would be my pillar. he was the one who encouraged me to try for a another mba at a better institute saying that my current degree doesnt do justice to my potential.
when i was struggling to conceive, he was very sensitive and caring about my difficulties. i never heard a single barb about my fertility issues from him or my inlaws.
he is a good provider, and all decisions pertaining to the house we live in, the house we bought, our car, our holidays - i have been given complete autonomy over them.
only in the last few years has he started to complain that i am stingy (like my father) and don't like to spend money. that is true, i am actually cautious with money, but i have always viewed money as a security, not to while away.
i'm sorry if my replies are not precisely to the point. i'm also revisiting the past to delve into your question.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

i've re-read my posts and others' too and i see i do take too many words.
pls allow me to finish in short crisp points:
1. we were either fighting or not speaking around my surgery this Aug end. (dday was 1st Aug). he offered no support around my surgery. i had to call up from the nurse's station for some information and he didn't even know which hospital i was at. (i had forwarded several official mails from the hospital to him). i got my surgery done, took a taxi the next day and came back. i carried my luggage in myself. my planned op was to have the uterus removed, but the surgeon ended up removing both my ovaries too. At 42, that was a hugely devastating for me. 
2. i told him about the ovaries and he was furious. and emotional. said we should sue the doctor. said he will be good to me and help me get a better job. i thought the worst is over and things will improve.
3. we started going for walks, eating together. after a couple of days, his enthusiasm dwindled. he went back to his schedule of working hard, drinking hard, and conversing only with my daughter. i came out of my happy bubble, and confronted him about removing that lady. he didnt budge. i stopped eating/ taking my anti-clotting injections. he yielded and said she'll get phased out. he added that you are antagonising me and you have no idea how bad you are making things for yourself.
4. after that whenever i've asked him to explain his thing with her, the months of purposely alienating me, and his outlook for the future, he eithers 1. Clams up and leaves for his walk 2. says there's nothing to say, it won't happen in future 3. ridicules me and says i am back to pick a fight- 'hey did you forget taking ur hormones today'
5. he is perfectly fine if i forget about the whole thing and act normal- he's a fully functional dad and calls me for walks/TV, etc. but several times he has said that if i need to leave him over this, it'll be good riddance
6. i have thought of leaving and i feel very unsure- a. i've recently undergone a surgical menopause and i am not confident of my health- i am aging at an accelerated rate- hair is greying fast, putting on abdominal weight, mind fog, joint ache. i don't know how i'll be able to work gainfully and take care of my child. b. if i leave my daughter in his custody- well that's exactly what he wants all along. i love her and i'll miss bringing her up with the kind of focus and aspiration only i can bring c. my parents will be really devastated (i do realise that'll eventually be short-lived and is a minor factor)...


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I understand that he used to be a better partner, and that it is terribly scary to leave. But what you are describing is verbal and emotional abuse, and a completely toxic marriage. Can you get counseling? Just for you, I mean? I think you're past the point where marriage counseling would help. 

I was in a toxic marriage. We had different issues than you and your husband, but it was just as bad. I got out and I haven't regretted it for a minute. You just have to find the strength to do it.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i came out of my happy bubble, and confronted him about removing that lady. he didnt budge. i stopped eating/ taking my anti-clotting injections. he yielded and said she'll get phased out.


You went on a starvation diet and stopped taking your life saving medications, risking your health and your very life, in protest and in an attempt to force him to "remove that lady"?

Wow that's the height of dysfunctionality, you need serious help.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

trident said:


> You went on a starvation diet and stopped taking your life saving medications, risking your health and your very life, in protest and in an attempt to force him to "remove that lady"?
> 
> Wow that's the height of dysfunctionality, you need serious help.


Thanks. this is an aspect i wanted some kind attention to. am i also behaving slightly ridiculously. and therefore, could i also be a part of the problem? as a corollary, if i am a better person could it have been prevented?

i do bring up the topic of his folks being unkind and him not retaliating. i do tend to be stingy with his money- as in i like to see it in the bank rather than in a diamond necklace, or even thrown away on a soggy movie theatre burger. but then i work hard to add to the family inflow. i do yell and cry a lot when things don't go my way. But then i'm huge fun to be around too- i am the funniest and most entertaining of all his friend's wives. (already boasted about my hosting skills, so..). i wonder about myself because he had kind of exited emotionally from this marriage quite some time back. though i can't seem to find solid enough justification for it. if anything, i should have been the one to dissociate. That reminds me, before i had my child i used to work at a bank at middle management level. My regional head would make subtle passes and he was keen on promoting me- helping me to be the star of the team. i'd seen it happen and i'd seen the kind of power and success it brings to women who allow a few liberties to these high-placed guys in that company. what did i do? i resigned in a huff and reported him for inappropiate behaviour. Cut to 11 yrs later- he tells me i'm a loser who can't make a career for herself and directly compares me to Lady A who is a Director all thanks to benefactors like him.
sorry...what was the question again?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

His change is because he is blatantly having an affair! He’s been a jerk since his loyalty moved to her instead of you!
What are you gonna do to help YOURSELF at this point?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Look for full time work. File for divorce and get an idea of what money you can count on moving forward.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> His change is because he is blatantly having an affair! He’s been a jerk since his loyalty moved to her instead of you!
> What are you gonna do to help YOURSELF at this point?


i hear you. but doesnt it make any difference that he has left her now? she served her last day on the 31st of Jan. At my behest he started to be borderline rude with her. this scathed her. she responded by alternately lashing out at him (dont ever call me on my number, you can only mail me on work id) and acting the damsel in distress before her knight (the senior partners in my company used to call me their rainmaker because of how you helped increase business on your company account...why you doing this to me now?). he quoted her lashing to her partners as feedback and that made it difficult for her to stay. once her support ended, people who she'd treaded on the toes of in her own company started to come forward baying for her blood. happy to say that on the 31st, she not just left husband's company as a consultant, but also resigned from her own parent company. Knowing how smart and resourceful she is, im sure she already has better offers in hand. but i have this small satisfaction atleast.
but still it doesnt feel i have his loyalty. the same day he told me your job is all thanks to me and i'm not happy with the effort you put in (i'm not even a part of his vertical, not remotely)...he insulted me and in a huff i submitted my resignation in the system. thankfully it was weekend, and i retracted it next day before my line manager accepted it. 
so, yeah, what do you feel in the light of this...pls


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Clarify something for me if you will...how long has the affair been going on?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i hear you. but doesnt it make any difference that he has left her now? she served her last day on the 31st of Jan. At my behest he started to be borderline rude with her. this scathed her. she responded by alternately lashing out at him (dont ever call me on my number, you can only mail me on work id) and acting the damsel in distress before her knight (the senior partners in my company used to call me their rainmaker because of how you helped increase business on your company account...why you doing this to me now?). he quoted her lashing to her partners as feedback and that made it difficult for her to stay. once her support ended, people who she'd treaded on the toes of in her own company started to come forward baying for her blood. happy to say that on the 31st, she not just left husband's company as a consultant, but also resigned from her own parent company. Knowing how smart and resourceful she is, im sure she already has better offers in hand. but i have this small satisfaction atleast.
> but still it doesnt feel i have his loyalty. the same day he told me your job is all thanks to me and i'm not happy with the effort you put in (i'm not even a part of his vertical, not remotely)...he insulted me and in a huff i submitted my resignation in the system. thankfully it was weekend, and i retracted it next day before my line manager accepted it.
> so, yeah, what do you feel in the light of this...pls


First STOP doing self-destructive things out of emotions. He gets you pissed and YOU RESIGN?? He gets you pissed and you stop eating? You get pissed and stop taking life critical meds?
STOP DOING THAT. It doesn't hurt him -- it hurts YOU.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i hear you. but doesnt it make any difference that he has left her now? she served her last day on the 31st of Jan. At my behest he started to be borderline rude with her. this scathed her. she responded by alternately lashing out at him (dont ever call me on my number, you can only mail me on work id) and acting the damsel in distress before her knight (the senior partners in my company used to call me their rainmaker because of how you helped increase business on your company account...why you doing this to me now?). he quoted her lashing to her partners as feedback and that made it difficult for her to stay. once her support ended, people who she'd treaded on the toes of in her own company started to come forward baying for her blood. happy to say that on the 31st, she not just left husband's company as a consultant, but also resigned from her own parent company. Knowing how smart and resourceful she is, im sure she already has better offers in hand. but i have this small satisfaction atleast.
> but still it doesnt feel i have his loyalty. the same day he told me your job is all thanks to me and i'm not happy with the effort you put in (i'm not even a part of his vertical, not remotely)...he insulted me and in a huff i submitted my resignation in the system. thankfully it was weekend, and i retracted it next day before my line manager accepted it.
> so, yeah, what do you feel in the light of this...pls


I don’t think having a lovers quarrel and not seeing her anymore changes what he did. I don’t think anything he did in the past changes who he is today. And I don’t think you can measure him against a person he is no longer. So no, all of this is circumstantial.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Firing her doesn’t make him stop loving her.

he hasn’t earned any trust back. That could take decades. You want to live with his anger because you made him fire his lover?

that is now what you’ve left yourself with.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Clarify something for me if you will...how long has the affair been going on?


She started working with him in October '19. i saw the first signs of flirtation and comfort between them and her defiance of me in January '20. By then they had been working and had travelled to about 3-4 locations together. he started to hide his visits to the pub post work with her. then in March lockdown happened. i was banished from the basement and he would be there for 19 hours a day. In Aug i called it out. 
a longish answer because i won't be able to say when it began. as per him their extreme professional intimacy began in March where she would volunteer for more and more responsibility, and their personal intimacy began in May because he 'didn't have any other adult company'(!!!)
after Aug when things got out and became ugly between us, thereafter my hysterectomy happened, etc...he resolved he had no interest in her...but on Sep 5, his birthday, he sneaked away from where we were making preparations for his little party. later i saw that the block i had put on his FB account has been removed and he had visited her fb page. the reason remains unexplained. he clams up. It hasn't recurred since.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

iwantittobebetter said:


> She started working with him in October '19. i saw the first signs of flirtation and comfort between them and her defiance of me in January '20. By then they had been working and had travelled to about 3-4 locations together. he started to hide his visits to the pub post work with her. then in March lockdown happened. i was banished from the basement and he would be there for 19 hours a day. In Aug i called it out.
> a longish answer because i won't be able to say when it began. as per him their extreme professional intimacy began in March where she would volunteer for more and more responsibility, and their personal intimacy began in May because he 'didn't have any other adult company'(!!!)
> after Aug when things got out and became ugly between us, thereafter my hysterectomy happened, etc...he resolved he had no interest in her...but on Sep 5, his birthday, he sneaked away from where we were making preparations for his little party. later i saw that the block i had put on his FB account has been removed and he had visited her fb page. the reason remains unexplained. he clams up. It hasn't recurred since.


what is also true, is that once they were returning from an office trip and could have taken a taxi to our borough together. but he asked her to carry on saying he wanted to pick up some treats from me from a restaurant near the station. she offered to wait or tag along with him, but he refused. he shared this so earnestly that i believe it. i also remember he got a whole bunch of food for me, when we weren't talking in those months.
then again- what heightens his duplicity is this: in Jan i called it out, begged him to oust her. after the knee-jerk reaction and rescinding, he said he'll try to organically phase her out. That very Feb he goes and gives beyond glowing feedback on her appraisal. how is that a sign of 'phase her out'?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Firing her doesn’t make him stop loving her.
> 
> he hasn’t earned any trust back. That could take decades. You want to live with his anger because you made him fire his lover?
> 
> that is now what you’ve left yourself with.


last evening he said he will be documenting a 'ways of working' for himself in this relationship, to bring it back on line. i would have been happier if he did this totally on his own volition, and there wasn't this element of duress of our daughter being kept away from him. nonetheless, he is doing it. let me see what that has...

i can clearly sense that in his head he has a hard-working honest damsel-in-distress image of this lady and in the equation, i am a lazy, entitled, self-absorbed ***** who is making lives of people around me hell, just on a whim. but there is no good reason for him to believe this. there have been several stories in the past of her behaviour with colleagues and men in general, which he got to learn from other people. he has chosen to obliterate them. as for me, he knows that in my worst physical condition i have kept at least some small contract job, just to pull my own weight financially. but now he acts unforgiving even if i lie-in on the sofa during work hours 3 days into my surgery. to tell you the fact, doc signed a letter excusing me from work for 2 weeks for recouping. i did not take a single day off, and have been delivering. but he compares my 200 pound a day job to her 2000 a day.

oh god, how i work myself up just recounting all this!


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> She started working with him in October '19. i saw the first signs of flirtation and comfort between them and her defiance of me in January '20. By then they had been working and had travelled to about 3-4 locations together. he started to hide his visits to the pub post work with her. then in March lockdown happened. i was banished from the basement and he would be there for 19 hours a day. In Aug i called it out.
> a longish answer because i won't be able to say when it began. as per him their extreme professional intimacy began in March where she would volunteer for more and more responsibility, and their personal intimacy began in May because he 'didn't have any other adult company'(!!!)
> after Aug when things got out and became ugly between us, thereafter my hysterectomy happened, etc...he resolved he had no interest in her...but on Sep 5, his birthday, he sneaked away from where we were making preparations for his little party. later i saw that the block i had put on his FB account has been removed and he had visited her fb page. the reason remains unexplained. he clams up. It hasn't recurred since.


Do they still work together?


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> and there wasn't this element of duress of our daughter being kept away from him. nonetheless, he is doing it. let me see what that has...


Can you explain the quote above?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I think you're getting caught up in a lot of details that don't matter that much. Here's what I'm reading:
You and your husband don't seem to like one another.
You have not had sex with each other for almost 11 years. (!!)
Your husband has had/is having an emotional affair that has possibly been physical as well.
You both behave in very manipulative ways when upset and frequently give each other the silent treatment.
You become self-destructive when upset and overwhelmed; he becomes physically violent and has broken things.

At this point I don't think you're going to write anything that makes anyone here say "oh, yes, you should save this marriage!". Your marriage sounds miserable. You both sound like you need therapy. You are teaching your daughter that this is what a relationship looks like. Do you want her to grow up and repeat this pattern?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> Do they still work together?


No. she quit 5 days back.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> I think you're getting caught up in a lot of details that don't matter that much. Here's what I'm reading:
> You and your husband don't seem to like one another.
> You have not had sex with each other for almost 11 years. (!!)
> Your husband has had/is having an emotional affair that has possibly been physical as well.
> ...


phew!!! long deep breaths.... i needed this jolt i guess


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Can you explain the quote above?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


all of last year while this was on, he used to keep my daughter in the basement with him...her little library, the TV, PS all happen to be there as well. 
he seems to be pretty content keeping me out of the equation as long as my daughter is there around and he can act like a responsible dad (bribing her with PS, VR, junk food)
now i am keeping my daughter with me upstairs. we go for long walks, feed ducks, play with cats, cook together, eat healthy, and have regular sessions with her school counsellor.
my feeling is he is working on the WoW document not so much for both of us, but just as a little effort so that he has access to our daughter.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You have no marriage. Why haven’t you filed for divorce?

please don’t give all those fluffy details that only make this seem worse. Just the facts. Why haven’t you filed?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> You have no marriage. Why haven’t you filed for divorce?
> 
> please don’t give all those fluffy details that only make this seem worse. Just the facts. Why haven’t you filed?


1. Because I believe i do have a marriage. One from which certain parts are missing but some are very much there.
2. Divorce is a big cultural taboo for me. My closest friend (my only friend in this country) is divorced, but that’s bcs her husband was gay n visiting prostitutes
3. I am not confident I’ll survive and bring up my daughter well all by myself 
4. Parents will be crushed 
5. There’s a good chance we can work it out if both of us sort ourselves out individually


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

You might not survive if you stay with him.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> 1. Because I believe i do have a marriage. One from which certain parts are missing but some are very much there.
> 2. Divorce is a big cultural taboo for me. My closest friend (my only friend in this country) is divorced, but that’s bcs her husband was gay n visiting prostitutes
> 3. I am not confident I’ll survive and bring up my daughter well all by myself
> 4. Parents will be crushed
> 5. There’s a good chance we can work it out if both of us sort ourselves out individually


No sex in 11 years but he has a full affair with a coworker. Is mean and hateful and a drunk starting his bottle of vodka at 6 am on the daily. Used to be a okay guy, but hasn’t been for years... isn’t trying to fix anything. Is anything I’ve said inaccurate? 

I don’t understand what advice you are seeking, honestly. Can you phrase a question so that we could possibly help you in some way?


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> There’s a good chance we can work it out if both of us sort ourselves out individually


How exactly do you expect this to happen? Doesn't sound to me like your husband is the least bit interested in changing anything about who he is or what he does and you aren't even close to taking a stand or doing anything proactively to decrease or eliminate his bad behavior, he has absolutely no consequences for his actions and he has no reason to believe he ever will.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you expect us to be supportive of a relationship that you’ve described - by encouraging you to stay with a man who doesn’t show love within the marriage - and completely disrespects you - then your expectations are out of line.

you really want to celebrate that you may stay married? Heck, he didn’t even get rid of the coworker he was infatuated with for the past several years - she quit!

he’s placed HER way well above you in every regard... don’t expect that to change just because she quit.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> If you expect us to be supportive of a relationship that you’ve described - by encouraging you to stay with a man who doesn’t show love within the marriage - and completely disrespects you - then your expectations are out of line.
> 
> you really want to celebrate that you may stay married? Heck, he didn’t even get rid of the coworker he was infatuated with for the past several years - she quit!
> 
> he’s placed HER way well above you in every regard... don’t expect that to change just because she quit.


But he did. she loved this job and if he had given her one more great year-end review was headed to making it to Partner. He systematically reduced her portfolio, was curt with her in team calls, withdrew his backing which had made her impervious in her company. as a result she couldn't cope up. with her benefactor alienating her, a bunch of skeletons started falling out of her cupboard. He sealed the deal by letting senior partners in her org know that she was being inconsistent in her work, and therefore unreliable. she quit, because of his support being withdrawn.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Please don't give up on me just yet.
My gut tells me to give it one more honest chance.
Your listening in, and your responses have given me a strong message, that i am walking close to the precipice, and with the current order it is a finished marriage.
Now unless i see the markings of a 180 degree turnaround from him, i will know that it is a lost cause, and will rally support from friends who have experienced separation (there are really few in my circle) and see a lawyer.
and i will put a lid on my own dysfunctional behaviour too (easier said- one more act of defiance of the entire situation from him, and i am a different beast, but i'll try)
please allow me to come back after a week. Thanks!


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> But he did. she loved this job and if he had given her one more great year-end review was headed to making it to Partner. He systematically reduced her portfolio, was curt with her in team calls, withdrew his backing which had made her impervious in her company. as a result she couldn't cope up. with her benefactor alienating her, a bunch of skeletons started falling out of her cupboard. He sealed the deal by letting senior partners in her org know that she was being inconsistent in her work, and therefore unreliable. she quit, because of his support being withdrawn.


I shouldn’t even post. I know I shouldn’t. BUT WTF! 

This guy had an affair through his workplace with this woman. He needs it to go away. So he sets her up and gets rid of her through lies and subterfuge, while keeping his own job and his reputation intact. And you find this proof of him becoming a decent man, like this is romantic...

I can’t even.


Edited to remove lots of flabbergasting confounded exasperation.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I shouldn’t even post. I know I shouldn’t. BUT WTF!
> 
> This guy had an affair through his workplace with this woman. He needs it to go away. So he sets her up and gets rid of her through lies and subterfuge, while keeping his own job and his reputation intact. And you find this proof of him becoming a decent man, like this is romantic...
> 
> ...


While i don't see this as any sign of decency or romance, i do see it as a sign of finally taking on a commitment towards his marriage, sticking to it for a systemic 1.5month period and removing one big negative thorn in the side. he didn't remove her through lies or subterfuge. he was solely responsible to bring her in, to elevate her, to provide her a cushion. he withdrew that. and when she lashed out, yes, he used it to close the chapter. he never misquoted her for a second. he didn't falsify anything. 

he maintains she was competent, and extremely resourceful. and had the personal angle not been there he woudn't have removed her. what is not-decent and not-romantic is that he allowed the personal angle to creep in himself. he became her benefactor beyond his call of duty, which i am inferring is obviously because of his personal interest in her.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

i had in the original post also said that he did not endeavour to remove her from her parent company. he only worked to remove her from his project. but as it turned out, once his backing was retracted, he was himself shocked there were so many people in her own organisation who hated her for how she had treated them/ sidelined them because of the fantastic terms she enjoyed with this hugely lucrative client (him). they became vocal now. that caused her to leave.
i have seen messaged from her to him in Dec, saying 'why are you being rude to me? why are you directly speaking to the partners? i was seen as a rain-maker in (name of her org.) and now i'm a nobody'


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

It's your life, if you want to try to save the marriage, that's your business. But the way you both problem solve (him lying to you and breaking things, you becoming self-destructive in various ways, both of you not speaking to each other for weeks at a time) is NOT HEALTHY. If you can't fix that, I don't see how you make this work, regardless of how that other lady did or didn't lose her job. Take her out of the equation and you two still have quite a few problems to tackle. She is not the problem, she is just a symptom.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i had in the original post also said that he did not endeavour to remove her from her parent company. he only worked to remove her from his project. but as it turned out, once his backing was retracted, he was himself shocked there were so many people in her own organisation who hated her for how she had treated them/ sidelined them because of the fantastic terms she enjoyed with this hugely lucrative client (him). they became vocal now. that caused her to leave.
> i have seen messaged from her to him in Dec, saying 'why are you being rude to me? why are you directly speaking to the partners? i was seen as a rain-maker in (name of her org.) and now i'm a nobody'


The point is, he elevated her for romance, he got rid of her when the romance went sour. He himself comes out unscathed. I’m certain he didn’t advertise his own faults to his partners/organization, such as his drinking habits and his propensity to have sex with professional counterparts?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> The point is, he elevated her for romance, he got rid of her when the romance went sour. He himself comes out unscathed. I’m certain he didn’t advertise his own faults to his partners/organization, such as his drinking habits and his propensity to have sex with professional counterparts?


i feel i have to contain this if i have in any way led advisers here to believe that he has had sex with her, or any other professional counterparts. it was an emotional affair. yes, he did not advertise his drinking habits or faults such as favouring a consultant because of his personal terms with her. but he isn't accountable to her organisation, and the partners there. he is accountable to his own company and to them he's never given any reasons to complain. at least to this company he's stayed loyal for 20 years, working like a dog, 7 days a week, mentoring scores of very grateful people along the way. i have never touched a drink so i have no clue how, but he managed to get into calls and deliver a complicated global project in this last one year. 
this man has had no interests apart from his work.
my peeve is when he took some time out from it, he gave it to her rather than me.
i don't feel too much love for him at the moment, but i felt compelled to clarify this lest wrong premise gets set.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> i feel i have to contain this if i have in any way led advisers here to believe that he has had sex with her, or any other professional counterparts. it was an emotional affair. yes, he did not advertise his drinking habits or faults such as favouring a consultant because of his personal terms with her. but he isn't accountable to her organisation, and the partners there. he is accountable to his own company and to them he's never given any reasons to complain. at least to this company he's stayed loyal for 20 years, working like a dog, 7 days a week, mentoring scores of very grateful people along the way. i have never touched a drink so i have no clue how, but he managed to get into calls and deliver a complicated global project in this last one year.
> this man has had no interests apart from his work.
> my peeve is when he took some time out from it, he gave it to her rather than me.
> i don't feel too much love for him at the moment, but i felt compelled to clarify this lest wrong premise gets set.


Mhm. There is no way to know if it was in fact physical as well. You take him at his word on everything. 

If you wish to keep on as usual that is your choice. But we can’t give you advice on how to save a marriage that is so destructive and unhealthy, not even counting the affair. I wonder what your child has seen between the two of you. This situation is beyond sad.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

iwantittobebetter said:


> it was an emotional affair.


Don't fool yourself into believing it never went physical just because he denied it. There was clearly an attraction there, they were alone lots of times, it could easily have happened and you wouldn't have a clue.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Trident said:


> Don't fool yourself into believing it never went physical just because he denied it. There was clearly an attraction there, they were alone lots of times, it could easily have happened and you wouldn't have a clue.


I have wondered, definitely. Still do. But when i try to piece it, doesn’t match. They had 2-3 trips from Oct to Nov. But they weren’t so intimate right at the start. I mean, her husband is a friend of his...there has to be some little barrier at the very first. Dec Jan we were vacationing. March on he’s been home. Plus, she is so freaking ambitious n career focused, if he had, she’d have held it like a sword over him, never to allow him un-favor her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

iwantittobebetter said:


> 1. Because I believe i do have a marriage. One from which certain parts are missing but some are very much there.
> 2. Divorce is a big cultural taboo for me. My closest friend (my only friend in this country) is divorced, but that’s bcs her husband was gay n visiting prostitutes
> 3. I am not confident I’ll survive and bring up my daughter well all by myself
> 4. Parents will be crushed
> 5. There’s a good chance we can work it out if both of us sort ourselves out individually


so IF you stay with your husband after all this extreme betrayal - do you plan to have sex regularly with him? If so, how often?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

iwantittobebetter said:


> I have wondered, definitely. Still do. But when i try to piece it, doesn’t match. They had 2-3 trips from Oct to Nov. But they weren’t so intimate right at the start. I mean, her husband is a friend of his...there has to be some little barrier at the very first. Dec Jan we were vacationing. March on he’s been home. Plus, she is so freaking ambitious n career focused, if he had, she’d have held it like a sword over him, never to allow him un-favor her.


NO woman bosses a man around and makes demands like she OWNS him in front of his wife - unless she is sleeping with him and knows she has him in her hip pocket!

if you think he wasn’t having sex with her all the time - you are fooling yourself!

don’t be so naive! You didn’t have sex for 11 years with YOUR husband! Of course he got sex from her often! That’s why he aligned with her so heavily against you!

why did you think it was unimportant to have sex with your own husband?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why are you staying in this marriage and defending his bad behavior? You don’t even seems to like your husbands company much and you certainly haven’t had sex with him a lot over the years.

is it his money that makes you overlook his piss poor behavior?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Why are you staying in this marriage and defending his bad behavior? You don’t even seems to like your husbands company much and you certainly haven’t had sex with him a lot over the years.
> 
> is it his money that makes you overlook his piss poor behavior?


It’s difficult to pinpoint one single reason. At this point I find it ridiculous to say he’s my one love. But the fact is I’ve not known another man. We got married when i was 23, both of us naive virgins. I’ve been very protective of him. And very proud too. He has high work ethics. Whenever I’ve met his college friends they’ve told me what a guy’s guy he is, they call him ‘Bobo the king of men’ 😊. He loved my brother to bits. When we got news that my brother suddenly passed away, he was taking an international flight and it had closed its gates. He made a huge plea and got himself out. Came home, picked up my mom, and flew her to where my brother was. Supported them through the entire ordeal. You know, now I think, he’s like a an elder brother to me (I know I’ll get picked on for this).

Now money- it’s only now that im underconfident about making a full time career for myself. For a good 12 years I worked well enough and made decent money for myself. I foreclosed some of the housing loans and am co-owner of 3 houses. I also have a nest egg which will see me through the rest of my life if im careful with it. And did I mention im super stingy (one of his big grouses) and my material needs are very small. 
so, no it’s not the money.
It is probably that I won’t be able to find another man, and if I decide to quit, I’ll sign up for a lonely life , bringing up my daughter myself.
Also, I haven’t written him off completely.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe you could consider working with a counselor on your lack of a boundary and to get past your fears that are holding you back...keeping you stuck.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Maybe you could consider working with a counselor on your lack of a boundary and to get past your fears that are holding you back...keeping you stuck.


Thankyou for identifying and articulating this need for me. I will find a counsellor. Currently my daughter is seeing one because I realized she’ll need help with what I’ve put her through. The same counsellor has taken two sessions with me as well, but I find we are culturally so different, I can’t be as upbeat as she is...there definitely is subjectivity here


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Chaotic said:


> It's your life, if you want to try to save the marriage, that's your business. But the way you both problem solve (him lying to you and breaking things, you becoming self-destructive in various ways, both of you not speaking to each other for weeks at a time) is NOT HEALTHY. If you can't fix that, I don't see how you make this work, regardless of how that other lady did or didn't lose her job. Take her out of the equation and you two still have quite a few problems to tackle. She is not the problem, she is just a symptom.


Thankyou Thankyou!! You are so very spot on and I’ll definitely not let any of these happen again. If there’s one thing I’m gonna work on it’ll be this - daily talking for atleast 30 minutes, honest, non-threatening; kindness around the house including in front of the daughter; no silly self harm business.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do you plan to have sex with your husband several times a week?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> Do you plan to have sex with your husband several times a week?


They haven’t had sex for 11 years.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

QuietRiot said:


> They haven’t had sex for 11 years.


I know- that’s why I asked. Why would he want to stay married when he never has sex with her? Why doesn’t she see sex a part of the intimacy within the marriage?


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> I know- that’s why I asked. Why would he want to stay married when he never has sex with her? Why doesn’t she see sex a part of the intimacy within the marriage?


yes, it has become an asexual relationship. we do snuggle and cozy up in our good days now and then, but he doesn't venture any further, and i don't feel any stirrings, most probably due to my surgical menopause. 
however, i'll be very willing if he'd like to


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

iwantittobebetter said:


> however, i'll be very willing if he'd like to


Have you told him this? He has a right to know that you are willing.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> Have you told him this? He has a right to know that you are willing.


in a way...a couple of days back i got a lubricating gel for post-menopausal women- not a clinical thing, but a cutesy pink bottle. i pulled it out of the shopping bag with a bit of a puppy-dog look towards him...Nothing happened though.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Oh brother... why play stupid games? Either ask him if he will have sex with you - or just get it started yourself.

keep in mind his mind and love may still belong to her - and therefore he may decline to have sex with you. That’s what happens after you with hold sex for so long that they are no longer interested.


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## iwantittobebetter (Feb 1, 2021)

we seemed to be doing alright. he still hasn't shared the promised 'ways of working' document that he had volunteered to work on. but we were doing a lot of things together. he wasn't irked by any of my annoying habits. did not get defensive when once or twice i refered to his EA. he is enthusiastically visiting youtube to watch videos of my favorite dishes and is cooking every single dinner. the atmosphere at home is very cordial, interspersed with a lot of laughs. 

what's missing continuously? - any attempt to discuss about the EA, no volunteering of information, no WoW document, NO SEX, no cuddling or holding hands either.

in these last couple of months i have let him know amply that what hurt me most was that my exclusive space as his wife, and closest confidante was allowed to this lady. by him. and for a prolonged time. that if things need to work, he will have to start with complete transparency. there are just the 2.5 of us in a new country, all by ourselves and need to act like a cohesive unit. 

a few days back he offered that he needs some advice around work. so he's planning to speak to the ex-AP's husband. i said, sure. now, we are at home together for 22.5 hours in a day. all except the 1.5 hours he goes running. all his calls, except to his parents he makes openly at home. yesterday and day-before he came late from his run. i asked him day before and he said, oh so sorry, i should have prepared ur dinner and gone. i said, 'its not about the dinner, i can make for us. i was just wondering why you ran for so long when you had already finished your target miles in the morning' i let it be at that and he didnt say anything either. Same thing yesterday. he came back and i told him i'd already prepared dinner. he stepped out of the kitchen and stood in a blind area, but i cud see his reflection. so i asked him without preamble 'what's it on ur phone'. he said 'oh i had spoken to (AP's husband) yesterday on my run and he just messaged saying he'll connect on Saturday'

so, he didnt tell me he'll call him that day on his run, didnt tell me when i asked about the delay...wasn't probably going to tell me till i asked point blank.

and then he's pretending like all is routine. sort of daring me to react.
this is AP's husband we are talking about. the call, however business-like it may have been is a big deal. they had stopped communicating midway during his EA. 
i couldn't stop tearing up. but i didnt react any further. he took his dinner and went to eat in his den. i went to bed.
this morning i messaged him saying that this is the start of that dreaded deceit all over again. i wrote 'guilty conscience', 'trust-building'. 'transparency', 'gaslighting' etc
his only response was 'seriously? just because i talked work with this guy?'
the same old charade at acting incredulous got to me, and i started messaging dirty...'where is ur self confidence?'...'why is HE the only person you can go to for professional advice?'...he ignored me, swatted me away, and kept at his work calls. and then i lost control. i was humiliated by how little me and my feelings matter. i grabbed his crotch and said 'since this is useless, you have to spin ur webs of deceit...find ways to relive your fantasies'
i left home and wandered for hours. and i just came back to find he's not here.
not proud of myself at all.
are my feelings justified? 
i know my reaction isn't.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

iwantittobebetter said:


> we seemed to be doing alright. he still hasn't shared the promised 'ways of working' document that he had volunteered to work on. but we were doing a lot of things together. he wasn't irked by any of my annoying habits. did not get defensive when once or twice i refered to his EA. he is enthusiastically visiting youtube to watch videos of my favorite dishes and is cooking every single dinner. the atmosphere at home is very cordial, interspersed with a lot of laughs.
> 
> what's missing continuously? - any attempt to discuss about the EA, no volunteering of information, no WoW document, NO SEX, no cuddling or holding hands either.
> 
> ...


He doesn’t want to be transparent, and he isn’t going to. You brow beating him isn’t going to change that...

At this point asking if you are justified in your feelings is a non issue. Justification has nothing to do with it now. You are the person that sets the bar on how you will be treated. 

If his cooking dinner makes you feel good enough to stay, then stop with the brow beating and eat the dinner and deal with whatever he is willing to give you.


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