# Wife moved out September 1st



## Finconsult079526 (Sep 26, 2011)

My wife moved out September 1st. Says she can't get over her angry feelings toward me. She had an affair because I became deppressed and detached almost 18 months ago. Went to marriage counselling after that and for a while it was getting better. Then things went down hill. Says she doesn't want a divorce or to date she just needs to be alone to think. I don't know what to think or how to act. I know begging is bad but what to do??? I NEED ADVICE FROM THOSE OF YOU THAT HAVE BEEN THERE. ESPECIALLY ANYONE WHO RECONCILED!!


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

First of all, your wife did not 'cheat' because of something you did or didn't do. Do you think she had no other choices? Yep, I didn't think so. Saying she did it because of what you did is really just heaping all of the blame on you.

You might have done some stuff, but you didn't make her cheat because you don't have the *power* to do that.

That's just silliness, IMO.

If you had the power to make her cheat, I'm sure you could make her not cheat, not move out, etc.

You can't control her.

What you can do is decide what you are willing to tollerate in your own life.

Who did she have an affair with, and are they still in communication? If so, I *suspect* that she moved out to carry out her affair unemcumbered by a husband, but she didn't tell you that because you are 'Plan B'.

I *know* she didn't move out to work on your marriage, and whether or not she is having an affair, not telling you its over is just a way of communicating that you are her backup plan if being single doesn't work out so well.

So... this brings us back to you. What do you want?

If you want to be her backup plan and live in limbo, do what you have been doing.

If you don't, then start agreeing with her: "I just need some time to think too" and even "I'm not sure I want to be married anymore either".

But... and this is important... you really, really, really need to let go and just live your life and do what is best for you and take the focus off of her.

Easy to say. Hard to do if you have never done it before.


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## Finconsult079526 (Sep 26, 2011)

Thanks for the thoughts. If she was with him, he lives several hours away and there has been no contact, I don't think she would continue to do the marriage counselling thing. I do think I need to make sure I am doing the 180. I have to say I have been good at that when talking with her but not so good when texting. Drunk texting is my downfall. I need to stop that.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Finconsult079526 said:


> Drunk texting is my downfall. I need to stop that.


If you really want to do a 180, stop drinking.

Just a thought, but I can't see how battling depression and drinking alcohol mix at all.


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## Finconsult079526 (Sep 26, 2011)

Those 2 things do not go together. You are right. The drinking needs to stop.

Anyone have any thoughts on doing the 180. She still calls or txt me everyday and I feeling like saying "WTH are you still doing that if you decided you needed time away from me to decided what it is you want." If she wanted "alone time" why does she still contact me so often? It's all so confusing.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

> She still calls or txt me everyday and I feeling like saying "WTH are you still doing that if you decided you needed time away from me to decided what it is you want." If she wanted "alone time" why does she still contact me so often? It's all so confusing.


She's temperature checking to see how you are handling things.

Being rude or obstinate will not help you acheive any goal you happen to set for yourself, but... you don't have to respond to these text messages or phone calls right away, and if there are no questions in them, you don't need to respond at all.

So... what are your goals that don't involve making choices for her?

1. Stop drinking (smile). The plane has hit turbulence, and the pilot needs to be sober.

2. Insert favorite self-improvement goal (Fitness routine? Nutrition plan?).

3. Get out and get busy. Go do some stuff every once in a while. When you are in the check out at the grocery store, smile at the clerk and say something nice.

4. Start some projects around the house?

In short, get a life. Enjoy your time alone and with friends and family  Post some pictures of you doing fun stuff on facebook.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Let me offer you one of my experiences to help you understand how twisted the thinking can get for them. My wife and I entered MC a week after she told me about the affair. She was still continuing to talk to and see the other man. On one of her private sessions with the councelor she met the OM in a park next to the therapists office afterwards. 

Up to now she has probably stayed with you because she felt guilt and she might not have thought she had any other choice. There can be a million reasons for that. Moving out is her way of telling you its over without actually saying it. Look at the actions, ignore the words. Since she's gone, now you just have to grapple with yourself and overcome your addiction to her.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Finconsult079526 said:


> She had an affair because I became deppressed and detached almost 18 months ago.


Wrong. She had an affair because she chose to. No other reason. THE AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Sure, it takes two to create a great marriage or one that isn't so great. However, the decision to have the affair is strictly on the cheating spouse's shoulders.

I'm sorry you are here. My guess is that the affair is still ongoing. Not wanting a divorce, but wanting space is to allow her to eat her cake and have it to. Being separated eases her guilt of the OM. (Mine said she isn't having an affair because we are separated. Somehow, just the fact of being separated made her relationship with OM legitimate in her mind.) Not wanting a divorce drags you along to pay her bills, be her backup plan, etc.

Look at the "just let them go" thread in my signature. Also, the 180 as suggested by other posters.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Wrong. She had an affair because she chose to. No other reason. THE AFFAIR IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Sure, it takes two to create a great marriage or one that isn't so great. However, the decision to have the affair is strictly on the cheating spouse's shoulders.
> 
> I'm sorry you are here. My guess is that the affair is still ongoing. Not wanting a divorce, but wanting space is to allow her to eat her cake and have it to. Being separated eases her guilt of the OM. (Mine said she isn't having an affair because we are separated. Somehow, just the fact of being separated made her relationship with OM legitimate in her mind.) Not wanting a divorce drags you along to pay her bills, be her backup plan, etc.
> 
> Look at the "just let them go" thread in my signature. Also, the 180 as suggested by other posters.


:iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She's on the fence so move it for her. 

Let her know this doesn't work for you. Stop letting her hold all the cards.


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## Finconsult079526 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has anyone reconciled during a seperation and patched things back up. Maybe I am nieve, but I was looking for something a little more hopeful. Maybe that's silly given how much hurt and anger we are all dealing with.

Instinctively I understand I need to do the 180 and just be patient. I am absolutely going to focus on me. already lost 14 lbs, and I am feeling better about myself. If I focus on those things I CAN control I feel better. 

The problem is I love her and want back what we had in the beggining. Is that so wrong. And for those of you who think she's still having the affair, its possible, but I doubt it. I don't think she would be working so hard on herself, with her own counselor, me with mine, and our MC if she just wanted to leave and be with him. She hasn't asked me for ANY money and she said SHE DOES NOT WANT A DIVORCE. I guess I am looking for the voices of reason and not the voices of anger. Sorry if some of you may not like that.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Finconsult079526 said:


> Has anyone reconciled during a seperation and patched things back up. Maybe I am nieve, but I was looking for something a little more hopeful. .


I wouldn't have bothered replying if I had not been through this and had not reconciled.



Finconsult079526 said:


> The problem is I love her and want back what we had in the beggining. Is that so wrong.


It's not so much about it being wrong, it's about being honest enough to confront the brutal reality of your situation and take control of the things you can control.

In the beginning, she (hopefully) wanted to be with you. That might or might not happen again, but it isn't going to happen because you are the only one wanting it, and if that were to happen... that would be the only thing like "the beginning".

We have no time-machine, and I think some scientists proved that time-travel might be impossible 

So... you have to accept the brutal reality of where you are right now. 

So the first step is to set goals for yourself and take a break from worrying about her so that you can heal.

Then get out, learn to socialize a little (watch old Carry Grant movies if you need a role model), and just enjoy yourself.

Stop waiting for her to tell you how you are going to spend the rest of your life. It's not healthy. Trust me on that much.

You don't need to hang by the phone waiting for her to call. You don't need to respond to her calls if there is no need to do so, and if you do, you don't need to be nasty.

Get yourself back on track, and then decide if "this" is good enough for "you".

Because... I don't think it is if you want to be honest about it. You don't seem happy right now.

Go make yourself happy, and make sure you protect yourself financially and so on.

You can do this.


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## Finconsult079526 (Sep 26, 2011)

TIMEHEALS....that's really good advice. Thank you. I am going to stop responding so quickly to her calls and I will not respond with anger. I did in the beginning and I know that was wrong. I need to deal with those feelings in a positive way. Otherwise I come off like a spoiled child who doesn't get his way. I have tried to concentrate on renewing old friendships that I feel I neglected and get healthy. My goal is to reconcile, but I am not a patient person. I guess I have to be patient and concentrate on getting my own head on straight. Rather than sit around and hope she does I need to concetrate on being ok without her and if she comes back, so much the better. But if we don't make it I need to learn to be ok with that too. So long as I work on getting myself in shape; physically and mentally I guess i can't ask for anything more. I need to show her that I don't need her to be happy. She does not "complete me". :lol:


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