# Getting cold feet movein w/ GF



## Houstondad

Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait. 
Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!


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## jorgegene

Who's pushing the move-in?

If you are not entirely comfortable with it, I wouldn't do it.

is she marriage material, or do you not want to get married?

If you move in and bad things happen like you're worried about, you will not only blame yourself, but maybe have resentment from your son.

if you stay put, you lose nothing except maybe your gf upset with you.


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## jld

Don't do it. You have that feeling for a reason.


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## Catherine602

Whose idea was this. What are the advantages of giving up your home? You are placing yourself and your children in a position of dependency on your gf. She controls where you and your children live or don't live. It's her house and you are welcomed to visit as long as she pleases.

Keep in mind that there will be a change in the dynamic when you give up your independence and put her in charge of where you and your children live. You have only known her for two yrs, you can't predict how this will change the relationship. 

What are the financial arrangements? You will be paying part of the mortgage but accruing no equity. I don't think it will cost you any less living apart than living together. You shift your resources into helping her meet her obligations. Instead of paying for a place you have control over, you pay into her place that she controls. 

The biggest thing to consider is the impact on your children. They should be the priority. Your son is especially vulnerable. He is going from a home where his dad is in charge and he has his own room to one where his dad is a bystander. He loses his privacy and becomes a guess in some kids bedroom. It will be unsettling for you all. 

If you insist on living with her, do it in a way that is equally advantageous for yourself and her and all of the children. Sell both houses and buy a new one with enough room for every one. If you don't think the relationship is stable enough for that then why are you selling your house? 

What wrong with the way things are now?


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## Houstondad

She brought it up about 8 months ago, but it was very low key. Since then we've had several conversations about it with me bringin it up half the time and she the other half. The idea originated from the kids and i spending the majority of our time at her place, than ours. I do know she hates seeing us leave at night to go home to sleep and get ready for the next day. She'd rather we stay. Then about 3 months ago, my mortgage sky rocketed by nearly $400 more a month. So it made the idea even more appealing. However, just recently i managed to drop it back down close to it's original cost, thanks to a few adjustments (homestead and home insurance). Now that the finances is no longer a giant issue, i am begining to question things again. I admit that being influenced by financial benefit is not necessarily the smartest move either, but it was about to cost me my house.

Yes, my 3 biggest reservations is 
1. a bit more crowded space
2. my kids (particularly my son) dealing with sharing a room and 
3. less independence.

Benefits:
1. Dont feel like I am wasting money on a home i spend less time in than hers.
2. Spend more time with my gf and family.
3. Less expenses 

I feel like an indecisive fool and coward if i back out now, yet i know it can be much worse if i go through with it and possibly later become miserable and then back out. If i change my mind, I'm not sure how and what to say without her becoming extremely upset and feeling rejected.

But what if this is all in my head and I'm acting irrational in doubting such a move?


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## jld

You're not.

You have those doubts for a reason.


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## SunnyT

Are you thinking about marrying her? 

Talking about moving in together is fine, but it gets way more serious when there are children involved. Do both of you have full physical custody of your kids? So it would be 4 kids full time? What are the ages of her kids? 

There is a lot to think about/discuss/work out regarding blended families. 

Maybe some premarital counseling? Or family counseling that specializes in blended families. Because there will be so many questions once your kids are residents and not just visitors. Chores, rewards, consequences, family time vs. parent time vs. date nite, respect issues, so many things. 

You could put this to her without sounding scared.....just in the manner of "best interest of ALL the kids". 

And then ya, sell both houses and buy one TOGETHER. Because either you are doing this TOGETHER or not.


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## Catherine602

There is no hurry, it won't hurt to wait 6 months will it? There is a reason that you hesitate and I think you should follow that. If it's something relating to the relationship then work on resolving that first. 

Actually, this may not be a bad thing. Dating is a trail period to determine if you are comparable for the LT. Part of the test is the way you handle what you are facing now, differences. This will come up again and again throughout your relationship. 

You should feel comfortable discussing your concerns with her. Her reaction should go into your decision to move and your consideration of the potential for things working out LT. If you can't then you should hold off on the decision to move because.

If she gets upset in a way that you can't handle then you may need to work on conflict resolution before deciding to move. 

Also, consider the reasons you both D. Are you repeating mistakes you made in the first marriages?


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## WorkingOnMe

You really want to be her dependent? Living under her roof at her pleasure? I don't know....as a man I couldn't live that way. And I sure couldn't put my kids in that position.


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## Adelais

Houstondad said:


> Yes, my 3 biggest reservations is
> 1. a bit more crowded space
> 2. my kids (particularly my son) dealing with sharing a room and
> 3. less independence.
> 
> Benefits:
> 1. Dont feel like I am wasting money on a home i spend less time in than hers.
> 2. Spend more time with my gf and family.
> 3. Less expenses
> 
> I feel like an indecisive fool and coward if i back out now, yet i know it can be much worse if i go through with it and possibly later become miserable and then back out. If i change my mind, I'm not sure how and what to say without her becoming extremely upset and feeling rejected.
> 
> But what if this is all in my head and I'm acting irrational in doubting such a move?


If you are having reservations, don't move in!!

All your reservations are valid.

The benefits seem more monetary than anything else. Saving $ is not a good reason to join households. Your children don't care about the $, all they know is that Dad is h*rney and because of that they don't get their own room anymore. If the two of you were wanting to get married, and commit for life, then it would make sense, and your children would understand it better.

You will really feel like a fool and a coward if you move in with her, it doesn't go well, and then you have to figure out how to afford to move back out.

She should not feel rejected if you do not move in. Hopefully she respects your boundaries, and your children's and your need for independence, since the two of you aren't ready to get married and share everything.

If you stopped seeing her all together, then she would have a good reason to feel rejected.


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## Houstondad

I'll talk with her tonight about my reservations. I'll keep you posted.


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## soccermom2three

Sorry maybe I missed it but I don't see where you said you are totally in love with her AND how excited you are to move in together AND can't wait to share a life together. It all seems to about convenience and finances.

I agree with JLD.


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## Mclane

jld said:


> You have those doubts for a reason.


Just because he has concerns doesn't mean it's not a good move for him. It's normal to get cold feet before making a major life change.

You think people don't have second thoughts about getting married, or leaving one job for another? Or ending a bad relationship?

The list goes on and on.


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## EleGirl

Why are you spending so much time at her house instead of her and her kids spending about half the time at your house?

To me, this whole thing sounds like it's rigged for her convenience and the inconvenience of you and your children.

When I remarried, my son and my step son had to share a room. Neither of them had ever shared a room before. It was a disaster. In your case, your son will be moving into the space of your gf’s son. The gf’s son will most likely resent your son for this. That’s an uncomfortable situation for your son as well. It really puts him in a bad situation.

On top of that, you are moving into HER home. This seldom works well.

The best bet would be for both of you to sell your homes and buy one that is big enough for all of you.


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## *Deidre*

You should wait, until your reasons have more to do with her/you both, than with finances, etc. I'm not into people living together before they're married, for a number of reasons. It's too easy to get comfortable, without making a true commitment. Living together and sharing bills doesn't a commitment make. But, sooooo many women do this to men (women do it more often than men), they push the guy to move in with them...hoping they will get the part of the wife, someday. If you are not interested in marrying her, I wouldn't move in. Because that is where she is heading with this.

I broke off my engagement because he wanted to move in, and we just didn't see eye to eye on that. Trust your gut, it won't let you down.


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## SunCMars

Catherine602 said:


> Whose idea was this. What are the advantages of giving up your home? You are placing yourself and your children in a position of dependency on your gf. She controls where you and your children live or don't live. It's her house and you are welcomed to visit as long as she pleases.
> 
> Keep in mind that there will be a change in the dynamic when you give up your independence and put her in charge of where you and your children live. You have only known her for two yrs, you can't predict how this will change the relationship.
> 
> What are the financial arrangements? You will be paying part of the mortgage but accruing no equity. I don't think it will cost you any less living apart than living together. You shift your resources into helping her meet her obligations. Instead of paying for a place you have control over, you pay into her place that she controls.
> 
> The biggest thing to consider is the impact on your children. They should be the priority. Your son is especially vulnerable. He is going from a home where his dad is in charge and he has his own room to one where his dad is a bystander. He loses his privacy and becomes a guess in some kids bedroom. It will be unsettling for you all.
> 
> If you insist on living with her, do it in a way that is equally advantageous for yourself and her and all of the children. Sell both houses and buy a new one with enough room for every one. If you don't think the relationship is stable enough for that then why are you selling your house?
> 
> What wrong with the way things are now?


Yes, this is an adult speaking. I too would wait.

Tell your GF why. She deserves an honest rationale.


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## Houstondad

Last night over dinner, she asked me point blank if sonething was bothering me and if i was having any concerns about moving in. Dont know how she saw thru me, but there it was. So i told her the feelings i was having... Doubts, fears, etc. 

Her first response was that she didnt want me doing something that was making me feel uncomfortable. As i explained my reservations and how i was trying to determine if it was justified or I was acting from an illogical place, she grew more dissapointed and upset. She stated that she feels that the two of us can make it work and that we are already doing much of it since my kids and I have been spending a lot of time at her place. But i could tell she was hurt that i wasnt feeling the same way about moving in as she was. I think ots possible she put a hell of alot more thought into it than I did. I think i was going more with the motions and now that i am thinking more about it, i am feeling a bit panicked because i waited so long to sit down and really think about it.
Is she trying to force me to move in? I dont think so. She did bring up discussions every once in awhile over the last 4 months about it, but never pushed it because she wanted me to make those decisions, bring it up myself and not feel she was forcing me to sell my home and move in. Ive been so busy with other things, along with fixing up my house to sell that i never really sat down to think all of it through. I just viewed what it would look like on the surface. I definitely had it backwards.
She's definitely hurt that i am suddenly hesitating to move in. 
I spoke more about logistics of living together and my concerns about possible conflicts that may arise. We did manage to come up with plans on how to handle those situations which made me feel better about my concerns. She also shared that she would want us to have time or space to ourselves as well as our kids having the opportunity to have their space when they need it. Yes, i am still concerned about how my son will react. My gf did point out that he does fine when he is over, which is true. I told her i felt that moving in will be different as a guest, and that i was worrying about the what ifs. My daughter? At the moment, she is the only one who knows of the possibility and is excited if it were to happen. She gets along very well with my gf.
Its apparent here on the boards that most of you are telling me to be patient and not do this right now. You may be right. But i am wondering if all my sudden concerns stems from my lack of truly sitting down and discussing all the specific details with my gf. 
She noticed I wasn't discussing it with her and thought that i had it all figured out and was good with it. I dont know if my concerns is directly related to not talking about it and since there is many unknowns, i am now having to deal with these thoughts? I also feel like i am dwelling too much on the negative possibilities. 

Like i mentioned, the more we spoke about logitics last night, it did seem to reassure things will be fine and I felt better. But i also feel i have damaged much of what my gf had thought was fine and now sees that her bf was lacking confidence in moving in. 

Someone here asked do i love her? Yes. I do love her, but damn if i must admit it, i dont feel as if i am IN love. Is the "in love" the same as the honeymoon period? Its those emotions/feelings you have when you are in the early stages of a relationship, right? I just dont feel those anymore. But i do love her very much. I think this is normal, but if not i definitely need to step back and this would be discussed on an entirely different thread! I hope my ramblings make sense.


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## Spicy

Don't move in until you get married. Listen to the warnings you are hearing in your head. Don't move your kids until you are committed in a marriage.


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## Houstondad

As i sit here and imagine things as if my kids and I are moved in, i feel a touch of anxiety/stress. When i imagine remaining in my home, i don't feel as stressed.
But i would just hate it if i screwed myself because i had these worries that eventually go away yet it changes the way my gf sees our relationship.
I feel like an idiot to wait till the last minute to drop this on myself and my gf. Also, she and I are supposed to go on a mini vacation to an other country. I had planned on sharing this with her after we returned, but since she brought it up last night, I couldnt lie to her.
I was hoping when i woke up this morning that all my concerns were just temporary and had dissapeared. Obviously, that has yet to happen.
Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.


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## *Deidre*

Houstondad said:


> As i sit here and imagine things as if my kids and I are moved in, i feel a touch of anxiety/stress. When i imagine remaining in my home, i don't feel as stressed.
> But i would just hate it if i screwed myself because i had these worries that eventually go away yet it changes the way my gf sees our relationship.
> I feel like an idiot to wait till the last minute to drop this on myself and my gf. Also, she and I are supposed to go on a mini vacation to an other country. I had planned on sharing this with her after we returned, but since she brought it up last night, I couldnt lie to her.
> I was hoping when i woke up this morning that all my concerns were just temporary and had dissapeared. Obviously, that has yet to happen.
> Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.


So, she's threatening to lessen the kid time together, if you don't move in? Hmmm....ultimatums are never a good sign.

Why are you afraid of your gf's reactions? Maybe you should figure out that piece of it, and everything else will fall into place.


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## Openminded

I may not be remembering this correctly but didn't you post about her parenting style being totally different from yours and that being a negative for you? If that's still true (and assuming I haven't confused you with another poster) how do you plan to work around that?

In any event, it doesn't sound like you're ready to move in with her so it's probably time to take a step back. Especially since you don't feel you're in love with her (even if you do love her).


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## WorkingWife

Houstondad said:


> Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
> So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
> I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
> I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait.
> Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!


Knowing what I know now... I would not move in with someone else until we were both ready for the commitment of marriage. Especially if you have children.

I lived with both my husband's before marriage and I did not see what the big deal was, but now I do. You do give up your independence. You're not committed enough to be married, but it's not like you can date other people because you live together. If you do decide to part way - now you have a whole household to unravel. You save money on mortgage now, but if you have to go rent or buy a new house suddenly, that's going to be a big financial hit.

I also think it may cause resentment of the new family to ask kids to share a room who had their own rooms before.

And on the other hand, what if your son gets very emotionally attached to your GF and her kids and then things don't work out and you have to break up his new family?

Also, blended families are extremely difficult and have a high failure rate for a reason. It might be better to wait until the kids are older to move to the next level.

These were just posted on Marriagebuilders. I haven't listened to these particular clips, but I have definitely learned some very enlightening things on blended families from marriagebuilders (too late for me) but I'd give some of these a listen:
Blended Families - Marriage Builders® Forums


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## Catherine602

Her reaction sends up numerous red flags. How can she so easily dismiss your concerns about the children? The way your son reacts now has nothing to do with how he will react when he loses his room and is locked into sharing a room. It's the difference between a vacation in a hotel verses living there with no other home as a refuge. 

Why is she punishing you for having legit concerns about yourself and your children? A respectful response would have been to give some time and thought to the issues and reconsider based on the good of all involved. Respect for you and your wisdom seems missing. 

Thoughtless responses and a pat on the head will not work for you in a LTR. Her response seems self-centered. She is determined to make you move despite the possibility of problems for your children or hers. All problems will disappear like magic once you do what she wants. 

This is probably what you will deal with throughout your relationship. If you don't agree with her she will withdraw. 

My advice is to respond to her proposal of less visits by your own proposal. Tell her you have decided you need to spend more time with your children and need a break from the relationship for now. Let her know that your concerns involve your children and they come first. If she feels that it's essential for you to do things her way then you may not be the right person to move in. 

Please consider why your former marriage failed. Make sure you are not repeating past mistakes. Her reaction portends the future of your relationship. If you live with her, your state of anxiety will live there too.


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## WorkingWife

Houstondad said:


> Also, my gf said that if i decide not to move in that she wants to pull back on the number of visits my kids and I have with her and her kids. To go from 5x a week to 1-2x a week.


Did she say why? Is she trying to punish you for not doing what she wants, or is she legitimately concerned about the children becoming too attached when the relationship is not serious?

If it's the latter, that sounds legitimate and mature to me. Regardless, I still stand by my advice of never living together unless you're committed enough to marry. I so wish I could go back in time and not have done that.


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## SunCMars

*Deidre* said:


> I broke off my engagement because he wanted to move in, and we just didn't see eye to eye on that. Trust your gut, it won't let you down.


Unless your gut is full of beer.


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## SunCMars

By cutting back the weekly visits it is "by far" easier on HER logistics, viz., food, entertainment, etc..

Her statement is tactless and too blunt for comfort.

I understand her fears. You waited to long to spring this on her. She sprung the discord-dancing back....... into your lap-dance.

As far as the amount of love you have for her? Listen to your own heart, not ours.

I feel that you may be "too easily" influenced by outside opinion. 

It is good to roll over and change your mind....let it be YOUR spine that causes this....and for good reasons. That said, it is better to error in favor of restraint, then to jump in, half blind.

I just flip-flopped. Did it in mid air...landed on my feet.


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## Blondilocks

Don't move in with anyone unless you're excited about it. 

Her saying that she wants you & your kids over less is her saying she thought you two were committed and now that you're not going to be one big happy family she's dialing it back. Could be she's tired of doing all the entertaining or she could be trying to protect her heart.

If 4 kids get on your nerves now, just imagine how it would be with no escape.


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## Livvie

Blondilocks said:


> Don't move in with anyone unless you're excited about it.
> 
> Her saying that she wants you & your kids over less is her saying she thought you two were committed and now that you're not going to be one big happy family she's dialing it back. Could be she's tired of doing all the entertaining or she could be trying to protect her heart.
> 
> If 4 kids get on your nerves now, just imagine how it would be with no escape.


I agree. Now she knows you aren't interested in moving forward by living together, and she is adjusting how much she and her kids should be invested in you, accordingly. I don't see anything wrong with that,. Seems a natural response.


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## *Deidre*

SunCMars said:


> Unless your gut is full of beer.


lol


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## sapientia

jld said:


> Don't do it. You have that feeling for a reason.


This^ x10. If it doesn't feel right AND make sense, don't do it.


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## Wolf1974

I have lived with my Gf over a year now and we are blended with kids. One of the things that worked for us is that we discuss everything about how that would look prior to moving her in. What the expectations would be, who would be responsible for what, money and bills all of it. Even with those discussions some things were a surprise. We both had concerns. My biggest was if she decides to leave are my kids protected and the house not in question. I was able to share those concerns and she understood them. I did buy a bigger house that I consider our house however I am the only one on the loan. 

If you are having reservations talk about them. If you can't get on the same page about what you want dont move in no matter what


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## Cooper

Houstondad said:


> Last night over dinner, she asked me point blank if sonething was bothering me and if i was having any concerns about moving in. Dont know how she saw thru me, but there it was. So i told her the feelings i was having... Doubts, fears, etc.
> 
> Her first response was that she didnt want me doing something that was making me feel uncomfortable. As i explained my reservations and how i was trying to determine if it was justified or I was acting from an illogical place, she grew more dissapointed and upset. She stated that she feels that the two of us can make it work and that we are already doing much of it since my kids and I have been spending a lot of time at her place. But i could tell she was hurt that i wasnt feeling the same way about moving in as she was. I think ots possible she put a hell of alot more thought into it than I did. I think i was going more with the motions and now that i am thinking more about it, i am feeling a bit panicked because i waited so long to sit down and really think about it.
> Is she trying to force me to move in? I dont think so. She did bring up discussions every once in awhile over the last 4 months about it, but never pushed it because she wanted me to make those decisions, bring it up myself and not feel she was forcing me to sell my home and move in. Ive been so busy with other things, along with fixing up my house to sell that i never really sat down to think all of it through. I just viewed what it would look like on the surface. I definitely had it backwards.
> She's definitely hurt that i am suddenly hesitating to move in.
> I spoke more about logistics of living together and my concerns about possible conflicts that may arise. We did manage to come up with plans on how to handle those situations which made me feel better about my concerns. She also shared that she would want us to have time or space to ourselves as well as our kids having the opportunity to have their space when they need it. Yes, i am still concerned about how my son will react. My gf did point out that he does fine when he is over, which is true. I told her i felt that moving in will be different as a guest, and that i was worrying about the what ifs. My daughter? At the moment, she is the only one who knows of the possibility and is excited if it were to happen. She gets along very well with my gf.
> Its apparent here on the boards that most of you are telling me to be patient and not do this right now. You may be right. But i am wondering if all my sudden concerns stems from my lack of truly sitting down and discussing all the specific details with my gf.
> She noticed I wasn't discussing it with her and thought that i had it all figured out and was good with it. I dont know if my concerns is directly related to not talking about it and since there is many unknowns, i am now having to deal with these thoughts? I also feel like i am dwelling too much on the negative possibilities.
> 
> Like i mentioned, the more we spoke about logitics last night, it did seem to reassure things will be fine and I felt better. But i also feel i have damaged much of what my gf had thought was fine and now sees that her bf was lacking confidence in moving in.
> 
> Someone here asked do i love her? Yes. I do love her, but damn if i must admit it, i dont feel as if i am IN love. Is the "in love" the same as the honeymoon period? Its those emotions/feelings you have when you are in the early stages of a relationship, right? I just dont feel those anymore. But i do love her very much. I think this is normal, but if not i definitely need to step back and this would be discussed on an entirely different thread! I hope my ramblings make sense.



Yikes, read what you wrote a few times. You passed the honey moon stage and realize you aren't "IN" love with her! 

If you want to move in together because you two can't stand to be apart and more than anything you want to be a family with all the kids included than do it (but don't sell your house for a year).

If you are looking to move in together because it will be more convenient and maybe save some cash than don't even think about it!

From what I have read my instinct is to tell you not to move in together. I just don't see the emotional need from you of wanting to create a blended family out of the over whelming love of wanting to be together.


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## Catherine602

@Cooper nailed it. There is no emotional need or excitement driving the decision to move in together. 

From what your said, it's more practical because you spend most of your time together at her house so you may as well save one mortgage. 

A strong emotional connection and physical chemistry, is what gets couples through the initial challenge of living together. You want each other badly enough that the difficulties seem trivial and you are want to solve them. 

The honeymoon period leads to a deeper love and intimacy. In a LTR, the honeymoon period may be repeated quite a few times over the years. If it was weak or nonexistent you may not get the reaffirmation and boost you need to keep going. It may be especially hard to make a blended family work. 

I don't think you love her enough to risk moving in and I don't think she loves you very strongly. She finds it easy to decrease time with you. If she were hot for you, she wouldn't be able to stay away.


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## 225985

Moving in with fiancee, maybe. Moving in with girlfriend, no. 

Think about how you will feel when your son says to you " Dad, I wish we still had our house." :frown2:


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## Catherine602

Catherine602 said:


> @Cooper nailed it. There is no emotional need or excitement driving the decision to move in together.
> 
> From what your said, it's more practical because you spend most of your time at her house so you may as well save on mortgage.
> 
> A strong emotional connection and physical chemistry, is what gets couples through the initial challenges of settling in together. You want each other so badly that the difficulties seem trivial and you are happy to solve them.
> 
> The honeymoon period leads to a deeper love and intimacy. In a LTR, the honeymoon period may be repeated quite a few times over the years.
> 
> If you had a brief or weak honeymoon that didn't deepen, you will have a hard time making a blended family work.
> 
> I don't think you love her enough to risk moving in and I don't think she loves you very strongly. She finds it easy to decrease time with you. If she were hot for you, she wouldn't be able to stay away.


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## MrsHolland

If in doubt, don't. This is your kids lives you are playing with and they are worth more than a half hearted effort.And don't have step siblings share a bedroom, it will be a recipe for disaster, so not fair on them.

We took a couple of years to plan doing this and even still there are issues that come up. We now have one of the older kids wanting her partner to move in next year. We built a much bigger home, 5 bedrooms, 3 big living spaces, study, library and triple garage. There is plenty of space for all of us to either be together or off doing our own thing when we have visitors. Everyone has to help in the running of the household and we have some very firm rules, mainly around treating each other with respect.

You are either all in on this or don't do it.


----------



## Houstondad

Hey everyone,

Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now. 

Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.

Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.


----------



## Wolf1974

Houstondad said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.
> 
> Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.
> 
> Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.


And be proactive if this is an need you would like to actually get to. Make a list and have her do the same of all the concerns you have about moving in togeher and discuss them one by one. See how close you both are on important matters.


----------



## jorgegene

Houstondad said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.
> 
> Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.
> 
> Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.


this is a good thing.

not only to resolve the immediate anxiety and potential problems it might entail, but more importantly that her attitude is one of understanding and compromise, even if disappointed. this bodes well for the future of your relationship and speaks well of her. 
she may very well be a very fine lady.


----------



## Openminded

And if you don't like the way she parents (as I seem to remember was an issue in the past) make sure that's completely resolved before you decide to move in. 

What bothers you now will bother you many times more once you're living with them full-time and have no other house to escape to when you need it.


----------



## *Deidre*

Houstondad said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.
> 
> Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.
> 
> Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.


This is great news on all fronts, I'm glad that she didn't get angry and respected your choice.


----------



## SunCMars

Houstondad said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Just an update, i have decided not to move in for the time being. If my feelings/excitement increase, then i will obviously feel better for making the move. But not now.
> 
> Fortunately, she responded last night indicating that she doesn't want to pressure me and that if its meant to be, it will. She agrees thay moving shouldn't be taken lightly. And that she wants me to be happy in whatever i choose.
> 
> Im pretty lucky she was understanding and i definitely realized i need to up my comminication skills and not pronastricate.


Good?

What else could she say without loosing face.

As you mentioned, she is hurt.

Be honest with her and yourself.

Do not waste any more of her time if this relationship is dead in the water. Never play with someone else's feelings.

Do not be wishy-washy.... Wally Cleaver.


----------



## Catherine602

Glad you made a good choice. 

I still have some misgivings when I read your post. You feel lucky that she understands? But isn't the a given in a successful relationship? You both get props for working things out. She didn't contribute more to the resolution than you yourself. 

Keep this incident and her reaction in mind together with everything else about the relationship. The subject may not be solved as definitively as you think. 

My sense is that you need to work on your self-esteem and respect. You don't need to reveal this here but think about it. Why did you D and why did she,


----------



## Houstondad

Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week. 

Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX. 

She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space. 

Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.

Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now. 

I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.

She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.

I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.


----------



## jld

I'm sorry it's been hard, Houstondad. 

But I think, in the long run, it will turn out to be a gift. 

Please enjoy the end of summer with your son and daughter. I am sure they are great kids, and feel lucky to have a dad who puts them first in his life.


----------



## *Deidre*

Houstondad said:


> Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week.
> 
> Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX.
> 
> She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space.
> 
> Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.
> 
> Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now.
> 
> I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.
> 
> She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.
> 
> I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.


This is such interesting news, but not surprising on her part. This exact same thing happened with my ex fiance. He basically wanted to move in before we married (we were to be married next month) and I didn't want that. I don't believe in living with people when you're not married, it just becomes a false sense of commitment if you ask me, but to each their own. I think you did THE RIGHT THING, you followed your heart on this, and she didn't accept it. I think what she said is manipulative, and my ex fiance said the SAME THINGS. But, true love wouldn't force something on you that doesn't feel right. 

It might be hard right now, but you made the right decision. I don't blame her for being hurt, but she sounds a bit manipulative and not at all understanding of your feelings in this. Guess she thought you'd just move right in upon her request. 

Praying for you to remain strong, and find peace about it all.


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## lifeistooshort

You've said that while you love her you aren't in love with her. Every married person here on TAM who gets that is told their spouse is cheating. 

Not saying you're cheating, but it does suggest a lack of excitement.

Is it possible that while you love her and were comfortable with her she felt this lack of excitement?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre*

I think it too can simply come down to being at different places in your lives. She is ready to have a future with you, and blend your kids together under one roof. You're not ready for that, or don't see the future with her, to be honest. It happens. I just haven't seen very many relationships work when one person wants to move in, and the other doesn't, but they move in, anyway. There should be enthusiasm on both parts or it simply won't work. Your gut feeling of 'cold feet' was a sign that either she's not the one, or you just aren't ready. Or both.


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## lifeistooshort

I disagree that she's manipulative, I think she was looking for signs that you were as excited about her as she was about you. 

She didn't find any so she ended things.

Probably the best thing...now you can both find someone better suited.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## *Deidre*

She told him that she didn't believe he loved her simply because he chose to not move in with her. That's manipulative. Instead of just stepping back and thinking that maybe they're in different places, or just respecting his wishes and moving on, she had to throw that in. Probably best in the long run, as it might have been a long road ahead of manipulative comments when she didn't get her way.


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## lifeistooshort

Sharing one's feelings is not manipulative.....that's how you communicate.

That's how it made her feel and she's entitled to her feelings.

Perhaps they have different ideas of what love feels like. She wanted someone she felt was in love with her and he wasn't. 

It's not a crime. The relationship as it was worked for him, it didn't work for her.

She wasn't obligated to stick around if she was unhappy with the progression of the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

I wondered how long it would take her to admit she wasn't okay with you not moving in and decide she should end it. 

If the next step after moving in was to be marriage, better to have it end now than get to that step and feel you were still missing the "in love" part and didn't want to marry her (assuming that would be the case).


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Houstondad said:


> Ive been dating my current GF for the last 2 yrs. Overall, its been very good between us and ive grown quite a bit in the dept of discussing issues that come up instead of running away from them, thanks to her.
> So....my kids and I spend a lot of time with her and her kids at her house. This has led us to entertain the idea of moving in with her. My daughter (15) is aware of the possibikity and is cool with it, but i havent told my 10 yr old son yet. I worry he may struggle with the transition and having to share a room for the first time.
> I am about to put ny house on the market but now i am having doubts pop up in my head. Part of me feels its stupid while the other part of me wonders if it's legit.
> I believe part of it is losing a part of my independence. It can be loud and chaotic at times at her house with 4 kids. While at my house, its much more chill obviously. Also, if it doesnt work out, i worry that i have put my kids thru a possibly awkward and difficult situation. I do admit i struggle with taking chances. I am notorious for finding circumstances that make me comfortable and i prefer to keep it that way. I doubt that's a healthy trait.
> Anyways, if anyone has any advice or can speak from experience i would truly welcome it. Thank you!


Blended households are hard ... get a good pre-nup. You both are grown up and have assets. Save any future pain by sorting out the rules before you get in too deep.
Once you sell your house, you will be briefly cash rich, so mentally prepare how not to splurge it all away. If you do development on her assets, make sure you get a written appendment for the pre-nup that recognises what you're putting in.
Personally I'd recommend putting your proceeds into a real Trust for your and your kids, and then managing that at "arms length". And for her to do the same thing.

Takes a lot of the financial pressure/expectations off the relationship and finance is the number one killer of relationships.

Then you both have to work on becoming a different person than the one your ex broke up with.


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## Spotthedeaddog

jld said:


> You're not.
> 
> You have those doubts for a reason.


I'd be more concerned if he wasn't having those doubts.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog

Houstondad said:


> Well, the latest is that she ended the relationship last week.
> 
> Despite her well intended email about respecting my hesitation to move in, it did not last long. She told me she feels rejected and admitted that much of this reminded her of issues from her former marriage and her EX.
> 
> She had initially requested that we scale it back, especially with the kids around. So The last couple of weeks of our relationship, i was communicating with her everyday by phone and text since her kids were home. And i would initiate all of the calls and texts. This became frustrating. We would have arguments when we would discuss these arrangements. She would tell me one thing ( she wants a break from talking because it was too awkward for her) and then get upset with me when i gave her this space.
> 
> Said i didnt care and i was supposed to pursue her if i cared. I was only reapecting her wishes. It was like she was sending mixed messages and i was supposed to be smart enough to figure it out. Frustrating! I felt i was dammed if i do, dammed if i dont. The whole process sort of numbed me. And then i began to realize it was very likely all that she was doing was to help her detach from me.
> 
> Ultimately, i told her what i wanted for our current relationship. Said i wanted to spend more time with her and the kids. Just like before but a little less frequently because of how she felt about scaling it back. Said i knew she wanted me to move in and I still wasnt ready right now.
> 
> I told her i missed her and that and i love her. She didnt believe me because i should have been pursuing her.
> 
> She replied that i am not meeting her needs and that it was over. She returned things of mine this week and is already updating her Facebook status.
> 
> I know i could have prevented this by giving in to her ultimatums, but thats not how i wanted to make my decision. I sit here dissapointed in how this fell apart. Despite loving each other and getting along fairly well, she decided me not moving in now is a deal breaker. But she painted it as that i didn't care about her and was not meeting her needs. She blames me for the failure and ending of our relationship. I really miss her despite the last month or so.


Think you missed a bullet there.
Judging from her actions she's a perfectly normal person with some mixed ideas about what she wants and who she is. She doesn't want you there because that means she has to "put up" (ie give full time consideration to you, thus you're no longer the convenient full-time boyfriend/love interest, and part-time conveniently useful baby daddy who is useful (to fix things) ).
When you were convenient she wants full commitment/ownership; but when that means changing her lifestyle and owing you for your major changes (thus responsibility to Make it work) then she gets cold feet.

If you had gone ahead, you would have spent the rest of your time trying to adjust to her wants, while being ignored so she can pursue "her important things"


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## EleGirl

Houstondad, 

I'm sorry that your relationship ended like this. But I think that one day you are going to look back and realize that this is for the better.

When one door closes, another opens. I am hoping that you now find someone who will be even better for you and your children.


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## Houstondad

I truly appreciate everyone's input (even those of you who are critical of me). Because I know that I had a lot to do with why I am in the position I am in. I'm just trying to figure all this out and so I'm here venting and looking for more answers.

Putting myself in my "ex-gf's" shoes, I can understand why she is hurt that I don't want to move in with her. And it's probably because moving in is the next step towards marriage (even though she never mentioned marriage) to her and/or showing how committed I should be to the importance of the relationship. I don't necessarily agree with that last part, but that's only my opinion. I think you can be happily committed and not living together. I just wasn't ready for Commitment 2.0 I guess.
Also, she's not getting any younger and feels like she doesn't want to waste her time with me if she is looking for marriage right now.

And now, I'm feeling hurt too. I wish she could have had more patience with me while I try to sort my feelings and future goals out. I asked her to please give me a chance to figure it out, but that didn't last a week.
To end our relationship this way hurts because I still wanted to be with her. I told her I wasn't ready but that didn't mean I was never going to move in. I know I mentioned I wasn't "-in love" with her. I know it sounds bad because that is what we typically here on this forum talk about when a spouse who has just betrayed us! But I wonder if I was more comfortable in the relationship and not having those in-love butterflies we feel at the start of a relationship?

But I do love her, care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I told her this. We have maintained a strong physical chemistry between us and we were respectful towards each other and comfortable. And we weren't terrible in the emotional part. But she did like to talk about issues between us she was not happy with (much of it coming from her insecurities) and I did not like talking about them because it made me feel uncomfortable. But I still gave those conversations my best shot! 

But I realize now that I lack vulnerability and quite possibly emotional unavailability. I was in 2 other relationships (not counting my marriage) before this one and they only lasted a few months. It's hard for me to emotionally connect with exactly why I feel less vulnerable, but I have a strong feeling that after getting hurt by my ex-wife, that I am cautious of allowing it to happen again. This isn't intentional! But on an subconscious/emotional level, I think it's there. I wonder if this is why I'm not "in-love"? Like I've mentioned before in an early post ( I think), I don't have the same giddy feelings of moving-in and getting married like I did when I was in my 20's with my ex-wife. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to marry her back then. But I don't have those same exact feelings now. Is it normal for those feelings to be different because I'm older or is there something wrong?? Do people settle for "ok" when the remarry or do they have those same feelings or greater when they married the first time?

Emotional unavailability? This one I'm not sure. The minute my old partners became confrontational about something, I turned and ran. And I almost did it a couple of times early on in my recent relationship. But she was good at convincing me not to run, and I was thankful I didn't. And I did better at having those "uncomfortable" conversations with her. But I also did things for her, flowers, cards, love notes, etc. too. I wanted to be exclusively with her and I was the one who initiated the "will you be my girlfriend"? Is that emotionally unavailable? I don't know. 
But once I opted not to move in with her, she decided we should take a step back, spend less time together. We did and despite my attempts to keep in touch with calling her and texting, she got mad because it wasn't enough and we would have confrontations/ arguments. Yes, the one thing I struggled with became too much. And ultimately I caved in to the pressure and this pushed me further away. And I think I became emotionally unavailable and it only convinced her that I did not care for her, even though I do. But it was so stressful at the time and it wore me down. And I wonder if she became emotionally unavailable too? 

Over the last 2 years, as the rose colored glasses faded, I did see her insecurities: jealousy & trust. And she admitted these were unresolved things from her previous marriage.
These were not the only reasons I froze when it was time to take the next step, but they played a factor. I was scared that if these things were not resolved (along with several other things such as my lack of vulnerability/feelings, my kids, etc.), that breaking up AFTER we move in was going to be a BIGGER mistake. I didn't think those insecurities were permanent just the same as my hesitation to move in was likely not permanent. I hoped that we could invest more into correcting her insecurities and my lack of vulnerability before we broke up. 

Finally, we haven't communicated since last week. As the stress from it all has subsided, I am realizing I miss her and I have the urges to reach out to her. But I wonder if it's best to let her go so she can find someone who is looking to get married soon? I love her enough that I want her to be happy.


----------



## Openminded

Don't contact her. That just makes it more difficult. If eventually she is willing to settle for what you are willing to offer then she can let you know but that's up to her. 

She might do some serious looking around and discover she can't do better. At that point it will be up to you if you want her back. But for now let it go.


----------



## *Deidre*

Houstondad said:


> I truly appreciate everyone's input (even those of you who are critical of me). Because I know that I had a lot to do with why I am in the position I am in. I'm just trying to figure all this out and so I'm here venting and looking for more answers.
> 
> Putting myself in my "ex-gf's" shoes, I can understand why she is hurt that I don't want to move in with her. And it's probably because moving in is the next step towards marriage (even though she never mentioned marriage) to her and/or showing how committed I should be to the importance of the relationship. I don't necessarily agree with that last part, but that's only my opinion. I think you can be happily committed and not living together. I just wasn't ready for Commitment 2.0 I guess.
> Also, she's not getting any younger and feels like she doesn't want to waste her time with me if she is looking for marriage right now.
> 
> And now, I'm feeling hurt too. I wish she could have had more patience with me while I try to sort my feelings and future goals out. I asked her to please give me a chance to figure it out, but that didn't last a week.
> To end our relationship this way hurts because I still wanted to be with her. I told her I wasn't ready but that didn't mean I was never going to move in. I know I mentioned I wasn't "-in love" with her. I know it sounds bad because that is what we typically here on this forum talk about when a spouse who has just betrayed us! But I wonder if I was more comfortable in the relationship and not having those in-love butterflies we feel at the start of a relationship?
> 
> But I do love her, care about her and enjoy spending time with her. I told her this. We have maintained a strong physical chemistry between us and we were respectful towards each other and comfortable. And we weren't terrible in the emotional part. But she did like to talk about issues between us she was not happy with (much of it coming from her insecurities) and I did not like talking about them because it made me feel uncomfortable. But I still gave those conversations my best shot!
> 
> But I realize now that I lack vulnerability and quite possibly emotional unavailability. I was in 2 other relationships (not counting my marriage) before this one and they only lasted a few months. It's hard for me to emotionally connect with exactly why I feel less vulnerable, but I have a strong feeling that after getting hurt by my ex-wife, that I am cautious of allowing it to happen again. This isn't intentional! But on an subconscious/emotional level, I think it's there. I wonder if this is why I'm not "in-love"? Like I've mentioned before in an early post ( I think), I don't have the same giddy feelings of moving-in and getting married like I did when I was in my 20's with my ex-wife. I had no doubt in my mind I wanted to marry her back then. But I don't have those same exact feelings now. Is it normal for those feelings to be different because I'm older or is there something wrong?? Do people settle for "ok" when the remarry or do they have those same feelings or greater when they married the first time?
> 
> Emotional unavailability? This one I'm not sure. The minute my old partners became confrontational about something, I turned and ran. And I almost did it a couple of times early on in my recent relationship. But she was good at convincing me not to run, and I was thankful I didn't. And I did better at having those "uncomfortable" conversations with her. But I also did things for her, flowers, cards, love notes, etc. too. I wanted to be exclusively with her and I was the one who initiated the "will you be my girlfriend"? Is that emotionally unavailable? I don't know.
> But once I opted not to move in with her, she decided we should take a step back, spend less time together. We did and despite my attempts to keep in touch with calling her and texting, she got mad because it wasn't enough and we would have confrontations/ arguments. Yes, the one thing I struggled with became too much. And ultimately I caved in to the pressure and this pushed me further away. And I think I became emotionally unavailable and it only convinced her that I did not care for her, even though I do. But it was so stressful at the time and it wore me down. And I wonder if she became emotionally unavailable too?
> 
> Over the last 2 years, as the rose colored glasses faded, I did see her insecurities: jealousy & trust. And she admitted these were unresolved things from her previous marriage.
> These were not the only reasons I froze when it was time to take the next step, but they played a factor. I was scared that if these things were not resolved (along with several other things such as my lack of vulnerability/feelings, my kids, etc.), that breaking up AFTER we move in was going to be a BIGGER mistake. I didn't think those insecurities were permanent just the same as my hesitation to move in was likely not permanent. I hoped that we could invest more into correcting her insecurities and my lack of vulnerability before we broke up.
> 
> Finally, we haven't communicated since last week. As the stress from it all has subsided, I am realizing I miss her and I have the urges to reach out to her. But I wonder if it's best to let her go so she can find someone who is looking to get married soon? I love her enough that I want her to be happy.


Please don't contact her. She is trying to heal, and so are you, and you will send very mixed messages to her if you keep reaching out saying ''I miss you, (er...but not enough to move in with you.'')  lol I wouldn't contact her anymore. 

I've not been married yet, but was engaged this year. When I was engaged, I was very caught up in planning an awesome wedding and the idea of love. Chemistry was amazing, but he wasn't the one. I don't believe in soul mates, but I do believe in being really picky about marriage. I don't want to go through a divorce. That said, the guy I'm seeing now, the chemistry is amazing, but there is more there...much more. And being with him just feels right, and like 'home.' If you have to analyze and go over things over and over again in your head about a relationship, it's not the right relationship for you. There should just be a flow to a really awesome relationship that feels right, and you didn't have that with her. I don't think you're afraid of moving in, I think she wasn't the right one. That's just my opinion. Stay strong, things will get better.


----------



## Wolf1974

I have been in your shoes and it sucks man. Sometimes you can't get on the same page about how a relationship is going to progress. She isn't willing to wait around so best to let her go.

You have to remember that this is what dating is, getting to know one another and learning if you are compatable. She wasn't. Doesn't make her wrong or evil, plenty of people want to rush into aspects of relationships. All it means is you weren't right for one another. Hopefully the next one will be better.


Good luck


----------



## Houstondad

I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.


If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.

If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.

It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.


----------



## jorgegene

as much as it hurts now, i think in the long run you dodged a bullet.

anyone worth spending your life with is worth waiting for.


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## Yosemite

I disagree with anyone who wrote "trust your instinct you didn't move in with her because your gut was telling you something" or words to that effect, it's complete BS.

I've been where you are, and it's normal to be scared to make a major life change especially when it afffects your kids.

You hesitated, you lost a woman you obviously care about.

So do what I did- move in with her but don't be so quick to sell your house. Leave it vacant or let a friend or relative stay there or better yet, keep it as a rental property.

Things go south, you cut your ties and move back in. After 6 months of living together you'll have a much better idea of how it's going to go.

Of course this will only happen if you get another chance.

Either call her and tell her you screwed up and you are willing to move in, or wait and see if she contacts you first.


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## Wolf1974

Houstondad said:


> I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.
> 
> 
> If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.
> 
> If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.
> 
> It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
> But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
> The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.


In the end she is going to paint you as the bad guy because it's easier to say "he wouldn't commit" than "I was forcing him to do something he wasn't ready for". Just bcause she says it doesn't make it so. 

You did the right thing and if she cared she would have waited. I agree with others you dodged a bullet and I think in time you'll see that.


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## lifeistooshort

Wolf1974 said:


> In the end she is going to paint you as the bad guy because it's easier to say "he wouldn't commit" than "I was forcing him to do something he wasn't ready for". Just bcause she says it doesn't make it so.
> 
> You did the right thing and if she cared she would have waited. I agree with others you dodged a bullet and I think in time you'll see that.


There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one. 

She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do. 

She's not obligated to wait for him. 

Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

HD, when your kids are grown...

Join a monastery.

Please?


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## *Deidre*

You have kids, though. If you're unsure, don't keep bringing someone in and out of THEIR lives. You shouldn't only be thinking of yourself. And she has kids too. I just think you marry someone and then move in, especially when kids are involved, like you both have. You're both not single and without kids, you have others to think about.


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## Síocháin

lifeistooshort said:


> There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one.
> 
> She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do.
> 
> She's not obligated to wait for him.
> 
> Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS ^^^^^ :iagree:

You are being way to hard on yourself because you both were at different places in the relationship. Your feelings, wants & needs are just as important as hers. She is going to think whatever she wants but there is no going back. No contact is best for everyone. Anything else will confuse the situation.


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## Wolf1974

lifeistooshort said:


> There's no bad guy here, and it's unfair to even suggest she'd paint him as one.
> 
> She wasn't happy with the pace of things and she's not required to be. She made her feelings known and then ended things, which is what everyone would say is the right thing to do.
> 
> She's not obligated to wait for him.
> 
> Either one can end things if they're not happy. He's not entitled to have the relationship on his terms any more than she is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Holy hell you are assuming way to much

I didn't say she would, I should have said she could, say any of those things I said it's perfectly normal reaction to blame the other person and not take stock in what you did in the relationship to not make it work.

She is not obligated to wait for him, I never said that. He is also not obligated to move faster than he is comfortable either

I never said he was entitled any more than she is. Again you read way to much or possibly what you wanted to see in my response...which I stand by


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## Catherine602

@Houstondad with the passage of time and no contact, you will gain a better perspective on this relationship. I think you acted honorably and with kindness towards your ex, even though it hurt you to do so. 

She does not know what you did for her but if you tell her you will only prolong her grief. She will meet someone who wants the same things she wants and you cannot stand in her way. 

You will also meet someone and take the next step with no hesitation. You loved your ex but not enough to marry her. You could not have known this before now. It's not unusual to need 12 - 24 months to decide on the next move. Now you know. 

It's best to continue NC lest she mistake the resumption of the old relation as a sign that you changed your mind.


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## Satya

I agree with aspects of both sides - I think she knew what she wanted and that was to be worth it to the right man, enough that he'd be enthusiastic about moving in on her timetable. The reality was that the OP didn't function in that way and wasn't at the point (yet) when he felt that way, and was following his own gut. I've been through such disappointment on her side before, and it stings, confuses the heck out of you, and makes you reconsider if you had the right impression about the guy you were with. You just want what you want, and you think, "what the hell, we're great together, what's his problem with me?" and that starts to kill the love. I'm not saying this is what happened with her, but it did happen to me once. 

From the male side, I've learned enough since my experience and from reading TAM that there are points in life when a man knows exactly what he wants, too, and confidently takes the necessary steps. I clearly was not in alignment with the past boyfriend I spoke of, but my current husband and I were on the same page. I spoke my truth, which was to be engaged by X, and living together by Y, with the intention of saying our vows by Z, and if at any time he wasn't comfortable with where things were going, all he had to do was communicate to me and I'd set him free with no argument. He kept to every wish I'd made, and then some. That's because my goals were also important to him and he was a ready man. 

So, OP, I'm not going to say you did the right or wrong thing. I think, perhaps you did the right thing for you. It's OK to be honest with yourself and your feelings, and your guilt and catch-22 worries show that you have compassion and empathy. But don't take things too much to heart. If you'd felt ready you wouldn't have hesitated. You were not ready. Own it with honesty. When you are ready, and when you're with a woman that completely aligns with your goals, you won't be hesitating.


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## silex

She was probably deeply hurt that you wouldn't move in with her.

Don't see how she'd take you back now because it would just seem like you're doing it to appease her.


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## ne9907

Houstondad said:


> I kinda feel like I'm in a Catch-22 with her right now with contact/ no-contact.
> 
> 
> If I contact her to let her know I miss her (which is true), it would be manipulative. Because despite that I really miss her and want to go back to what we once had in our relationship, I know that she doesn't want the old relationship (even though it was good), but that she wants the "next-step" relationship with me moving my kids in with her. And I just don't feel 100% comfortable with doing that right now.
> 
> If I don't contact her, she will definitely take it (as she is right now) that I never cared for her and threw her away like a piece of trash. And that I strung her along this whole time, which is not true. I just honestly lived in the moment with her, and never gave the future much thought. I'm certain now, that envisioning a future together and married was what she's been thinking for awhile now.
> 
> It does suck, because I hurt someone I cared about and the one thing they'll take away from this current breakup was that I was cold and did not care. Which is not true! Not meaning to sound conceited, but I was a good partner to her the last 2 yrs. I always treated her with respect and met her needs while she met mine.
> But I just couldn't seal the deal with her in the end. Does that make me sound like a non-committal, selfish and controlling jerk? I don't know.
> The bottom line is that I know right now I can not give her what she wants, and because of this she is unhappy. And I love her enough that letting her go and not contacting her so she can let me go so her pain doesn't last long and she can find someone who will satisfy her need of that commitment, is the right thing to do.



This is all about your ego getting hurt because people will view you a certain way. It is okay to have ego, it is okay to feel hurt because people think you are a jerk or whatever.
Let go of the ego. Let people believe what they wish. Your ex girl might not know you care enough about her, but please leave her alone. 
If you contact her, she might believe you want to be together again, if you come out and say you do not want to be together but you want to ensure she knows you cared a lot, she will probably think you are a jerk

I am woman. I know men cared. When I break things off, I do not want an ex to be text me "I miss you" why???? Because I feel they are fvcking with my emotions.

Good luck Houston dad~
TIme to move on.


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## Houstondad

I contacted her. Please, before you guys grill me hear me out.

I've spent more time trying to understand why i couldnt make the move. And i finally discovered I was AFRAID. Afraid it would fail. It would be taking a chance to move my kids in and sell/leave behind much that I had, but mainly because much of it is an unknown. I was afraid of the statistics saying it'll fail, afraid she would change like my ex-wife did. I rarely take chances in my life. I prefer to be content. 

And in the process, i lost someone who i love very much and hurt them with my inability to cope with my feelings.amd other outside anxiety such as work at that time, anniversary of my father's death,etc.

I spoke with a counselor and she helped me see much of this.

I am through being afraid and scared, especially of irrational fears. I'm sick of running away from any conflict or attemoted conflict resolution. I am checking my ego at the door and i want to be more vulnerable (picked up the book Daring Greatly by Rene Brown).

So i asked her to meet me face to face and she agreed. And i put all my feelings out there to her yesterday. I apologized for not being stronger to deal with our conflict, i apologized for hurting her and making her feel rejected. And i told her what i wanted. I told her that i am working on myself to be a better person, and i don't want to do that with anyone else, i want to change with her.
I've never felt so determined to make changes in my life now because what o was doing was detrimental to all my past relationships. 
Looking her in the eyes, I told her I want to spend the rest of my life with her, because now that the cloud has lifted, i see now that i am in love with her.
She told me how she was frustrated with my behaviors during the last month or so, and how she believed i didn't want to be in the relationship anymore because i was spending more time away and with my family (this was after she told me she wanted space for her kids because she didnt want them to get hurt since she felt i was ready to bail). I told her i gave her space, but i missed her and the kids and preferred to have been with them. I was only agreeing to her request. She broke us up because she thought i was being too nice and didn't want to be the bad guy. I didnt want to break up i said, but i just felt that is what she wanted and i wasn't able to handle the conflict resolution.
She told me she had her heart broken, she cried every night and said this was worse than her divorce. She feels i abandoned her and it brought up a lot of enotional baggage from her past. I felt like the biggest jerk on the planet. I had no idea that was what she was thinking and what she's been through the last few weeks. I would never hurt her, but in the end of our relationship, that's exactly what happened.

We spent 2 hrs talking about everything, mostly i was doing the talking. It was hard for me to do. She did want to know what i wanted if we continued the relationship and what it would look like to me. I spoke at length, but in a nutshell, i was done with being scared and i was ready to start a new family ( which is what we basically we were already doing with the kids) and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I can take it slow if she prefers because now i damaged her trust and is she willing to take a chance to have her heart hurt again?
I understand. I only hope she loves me enough to give me a second chance and believes me when i say how serious i am. I want couples counseling, i want to do the five love languages with her. She asked about questions about why i want to spend the rest of my life with her and i laid it all out there too.
I had an epiphany and it knocked some serious sense in to me. But it had to take a breakup and a little time to finally figure it out for it to happen. Im such an idiot.

She asked why i waited so long. I told her i had advice of letting her go. Other advice from people at my work was, you'll appear weak and other said i would be controlling. 

But i may be too late. She told me she has been trying to let me go over the last 2-3 weeks since she thought we were done. Purposely thinking only the negative thoughts of me to help her get over me. (That hurt). She asked if she could have time to think it over which i prefer because i want her to be definitely sure. She told me she wanted 24hrs to think about it and would get back with me.

I won't regret putting it all out there with her because if i didn't, it would be one of my biggest regrets in my life. But i feel i may be too late. 
We were together 2 years which were great. It was great enough that she was ready to spend the rest of her life with me, and the last 6 weeks was our only true struggles in the conflict from the moment i got cold feet. I really worry she is already over me after 3 weeks. 
So fire away everyone.


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## jld

What about your children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya

No one should rightfully "grill" you here. Maybe inject some alternative opinions. You made your choice in wanting to speak with her, so posters here should be respectful of that.

What I will say though, is that based on this: 



Houstondad said:


> i told her what i wanted. I told her that i am working on myself to be a better person, and i don't want to do that with anyone else, i want to change with her.


.. is going to make her think A LOT and is not something I would have suggested you tell her.

She's going to think about whether she wants to live with a work in progress, or with a man that's already worked through his fears.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but really, you should not be in a relationship (nor should she) until you are both fully healed (or as healed as possible) from your respective past baggage.

The reason I say this is, the way you frame the discussion is that you are looking for the RELATIONSHIP WITH HER to heal you of your fears. Nuh-uh. It is YOU that must work on this and heal yourself, without her.

She may not process this in the next 24 hours, but down the line, she's going to look at this as another burden beyond her children... that her role is to help you fix yourself. From her perspective, maybe your role is to help her get over her abandonment issues. Doesn't seem bad on paper, right? You fill each other's needs in a way? Here's why this kind of need fulfillment is one that I am overly wary of:

We all have issues in one form or another, some more than others, but any dependence on another person to fix your problems is just not going to be conducive to a sustainable, long term relationship. Your issues may resolve themselves over time with her, and hers may resolve over time with you, which is great, but then the thing(s) that drew you both together is/are no longer an issue! So, the need for each other becomes less, and then you find yourselves drifting apart because you don't have that dependency any longer.

I'm honestly not trying to squash your hope and I admit I could be completely wrong. I don't live in your shoes. I'm trying to keep you seeing clearly.

Healing from past trauma/damage/divorce/abuse/etc is HARD and sometimes it's UGLY because you must face your fears to do it correctly. It's EASY to find and cling to someone that makes you forget the difficulty of how HARD that healing process is. Bonding easily with someone else even tricks you into thinking you ARE healed. Instead, what you're doing is ignoring your own issues for the sake of caring for another with greater perceived trauma (your gf's abandonment issues/crying).

I cried for 3 months straight when my ex husband and I separated and I moved back in with my family. Did that mean that he was to blame for everything? No, it meant that I was processing through my feelings. Beware of your gf making you feel that you DID certain things to her. She needs to own some of her own feelings and I feel like you take the lion's share of the responsibility when it is not your due. You are falling over yourself to apologize when not all of this is yours to own.

I'm not sure what else I can offer. I could be completely wrong and most of the time I hope I am!
I have just seen too much of the real world maybe... In any case, I sincerely wish you and your gf all the best!


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## Openminded

Assuming she does decide to give you another chance, you need to make sure the two of you are on the same page with parenting. IIRC, at one time you didn't like her parenting style. Maybe that's already been resolved but if it hasn't then some basic rules need to be in place before you and your children move in. Otherwise, there may be resentment if one parent is more permissive than the other. Hopefully, that won't happen but trying to blend families can be tricky. Address potential problems early before they become deal-breakers.


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## Houstondad

You guys have been easy on me so far. Satya, thank you for putting so much feeling and concern into your message. I didn't mean to come across like i am a broken man and it will take months or years to fix while she puts up with it. It sounds bad now that i think of it. The breakup was a giant wake up call for me. There's alot i have realized already. But i know talk is cheap, so it's all about me putting it into action. 

It's my opinion that there's so much good to the relationship that it's sad to throw away without trying. The one thing that set so much negativity in motion was me not wanting to move in. But now i realize i have nothing to be afraid of and i want to make the commitment. I feel this can be a start in help healing as long as i handle things better.

I dont know what everyone's view is on couples counseling, but i would want that for us and already left a message with the counsel.

My kids have been asking about her and her kids. I feel i allowed my fears of the worst case scenario take over as reality if i moved them in. Turned out they wanted to move in.

As for parenting and all the other things with moving in, i want to discuss with her if she gives us a chance.


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## 225985

She has a lot of her own baggage too and she brought it to your relationship. Is she also going for individual counselling? She needs it as much as you. That is not to insult your future bride. She made a lot of assumptions when breaking up. She also was not effectively communicating to you. She pushed you away because she thought you might leave, then faulted you for being away? WTF?

This does not (can not) all have to be on her terms. It has to be equal or it will not work out. Remember that. You need to work out the long term plan. Short term, you already listed that above. 

Best of luck to you both.


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## Hope Shimmers

Not to beat you up... I am certainly not the best person to give relationship advice if you read my threads.

But... if she truly loves you, she ain't gonna get over you in three weeks....

So you are engaged? You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. 

My concern would be that perhaps you came to this conclusion because you missed her. I am a bit concerned that you perhaps ignored (or over-rode) your instincts. Instincts are usually correct. 

I wish you the best.


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