# Help! Marriage Falling Apart (I think I am the problem)



## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

I am a new user here but have been lurking around for months. 

Me and my wife have been married for four years. She has 3 kids from her previous marriage. 

We started out as a happy couple as most of us do. But lately there is a lot of problem and tension. It's been this way for the past 2 years or so. The other thing I would like to point out is that most of the issues seems to be me having with her. She usually doesn't have much problem (or so she says) and I seem to be the one always having problem. 

One of the things that has been bothering me the most is I at at times don't see what I get back from this relationship. I took on her, her kids and we have come a long way in the past couple years. We both used to work at a factory and live in a small house. I worked hard and so did she and now she doesn't work and I work from home. We have moved from living in a tiny house to literally living in a mansion. 

When I got together with her I knew I would have no chance of having a kid cause she is fixed. I was ok with that and although I have a desire to have kids, I am still ok with it as I made my decision knowing that she wouldn't be able to.

My problem is that I don't feel loved or respected around my house anymore. Yes, my wife shows me affection but it almost seems like it's forced. She has never made an effort to have some time with me, go out for a drink, etc. etc. Couple days ago I brought up that it would be nice to go out with my wife and couple drinks and she flipped out saying that she was sorry she has three kids. Well, I dont see why it would be so hard to go out for 30 mins or an hour a week when the oldest is 17 and keep an eye on others for an hour or so. There is absolutely no time together. As a man, it is often considered we dont need that time but maybe I am different. I long for her attention, touch, kisses and what not. But lately it seems like everything else and everybody else matters to her but me.

I have brought this up a couple times. Actually I have a fit every couple days. We will be good and all seems great and all of a sudden I get in one of my moods and start haggling her about it and from there it escalates. I love her a lot but I don't like who I have become and who I am becoming. It seems like my life totally revolves around her. I gave her everything and still do. I make her coffee, I wake her up, I do the littlest things to make her happy and half the time those things I do just cause it is almost expected of me and I dont want to do it. I am losing myself in the process. I feel like I started out by being too nice and I can't stop although it's bothering me to death that I try to do everything for her and always put her and the kids above me all the time, everytime.

I might have left a lot of details out but please feel free to ask in the comments and I will put anything out that would help you suggest me or advice me. I am just lost and although I can't imagine a life without her and the kids, at this point I just don't know what to do. I can't live with her and I can't live without her. I know she loves me but I just don't think she realizes what it takes to be a good wife or maybe my expectations are just out of control. I don't know. Any help, suggestion would be much appreciated.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Another thing I forgot to mention: we recently moved from a different state. We moved to the state where she was born and all her family and friends are. She has a male friend here who also happens to be her first (you know what I mean). Now she is working with him on a business 2 times a week (not directly with him but for his business so they are constantly in contact), and this has been bother me a lot. I have talked to her about it and she says there is nothing going on and I believe her cause she is not the one to lie but I still can't help but have thoughts on my mind. Sorry for the long message. Hope you all are having a great weekend.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

thussa,

Repeat after me, "A man may have needs, but he simply cannot afford to be 'needy'"

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

Read this - and review the links therein.

Join us in the Men's Clubhouse if you wish to discuss it.


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## thussa (Dec 15, 2010)

Thanks! Although I haven't applied that yet, the quote you provided couldn't be any truer. Thanks again and heading over the mens clubhouse.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Your wife isn't appreciating you, and unfortunately "asking" her will not improve the situation. Neither will begging or "trying" to make her life better by taking on more housework, chores, etc. I think it might benefit you to spend some time to yourself--not just bumming around the internet, but taking some time to develop some self awareness. Develop a new hobby/interest, start working out more, start feeling comfortable with yourself--just yourself--and you will hopefully find that you feel less needy. It will also give you the distance necessary to be introspective enough to figure out the most effective way to communicate your feelings to your wife.

Side note:
I think that's really strange that she thinks kids will prevent her from going out once a week...If the oldest is 17 and won't throw a house party, they can totally be left alone for one freaking hour! And if you live in a mansion, it's not like it's impossible to hire a sitter. And it's not like YOU don't have 3 kids to raise. She needs a serious reality check.


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