# I want to cheat.



## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I've been on this website too many times complaining about my husband etc. 

But I need someone to help me... I'm feeling weak. Im VERY tempted to cheat on my husband. 

I don't have the finances to leave/divorce just yet... But I'm terribly tempted to stray. The guy is everything my husband isn't... But I know this is not a morale thing to do. 

Give me feedback. Help me stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

If you need some feedback and want to stay strong,
Then go to this link and read this wife's experience.
It was posted today

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/56449-ha-ha-thread-posts-were-right.html

Her story is identical to yours.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Do you love your husband still? Do you want to work it out? I don't know your story other than he's controlling. 

What would you lose?
What would you gain?

How much do you know about the guy? 
Have you ever been cheated on? It's devastating. 
Have you sat your husband down and told him how you're feeling?

Cheaters normally dont end up longterm with the people they cheated with. This is rare. If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Respect yourself.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

You say you are not ready to leave yet? so does that mean you actually plan on leaving, just need the right timing? I understand that, that's the type of boat I am in. I need timing to be better to ease the blow for both of us. 

As for the desire to cheat...yah, what I have to say would not help you avoid it, so I will just leave it at that.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I think the reason people cheat is because they build up a wall of resentment so strong that they just want some sort of vengeance for everything. Then they look for someone, anyone to fill certain needs they want at the time. This man may be everything your husband isn't, but you married your husband for a reason. For the control thing? You need to stand up for yourself. You need a backbone. He's an alpha, don't be a beta. Flip ****. You are not weak.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Something drew you to your H in the beginning,but you started seeing some of the negatives...... This OM has them too, you refuse to see them at this point, or you are not letting them bother you.

I worked with a woman who had been married 4 times and had boy friends in between.I am sure she felt the same feelings you are now. The grass just looks greener on the other side.The OM is showing his charm now and covering his unpleasant traits.

Don't cheat you H , be honest tell him your feelings to his face. OM most likely doesn't want you any way, just wants the excitement.

However I don't mean to sound harsh. at one point in my life I experienced the same feelings you are now .I am not looking down on you, just giving you a heads up caution.


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## IseeU (Jul 13, 2012)

STOP THIS SH!T NOW!!

Either sort your marriage or get out.

Don't become someone you will hate later on.

Come on concerned... you know this isn't the right solution to your problems. Your better than this.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

The reason you like this OM so much, is because you don't live with him. And notice, HOW closely live and love are spelled. 

How often are you with the OM? 2-3 hours a day? Or is it a full work day of 7-8 hours? Well, he will only put up his best! That is why you think you love him. 

How much time to you spend with your husband a day? 10 hours? 12 hours? More? 
That is why you don't appreciate him so much! You are around him so much that you have grown use to him! 

Please listen to me, as a former WW, don't cheat!!! 
I am thankful my husband is giving me a second chance, but I am so afraid his current emotional state may change that. 

But listen, I know how it feels. 
The OM gets you, the OM listens to what you have to say, he acts interested, your heart skips a beat when you see him, he understands your view point, he is sexy probably. 

Guess what! That is only because you put this OM ahead of your husband! 
I talked with the OM instead of hubby, and it pains me to know he was at home waiting for me to walk in, to ask me about my day, and talk to me. Instead I just pushed him away. 

Plus, how well do you know this man?
Every wayward entertains thoughts of running off with their AP. I know I did, and I told my hubby this. He wasn't happy when I did. 
You might say "Oh, he loves me, and we plan to move to the suburbs, and he'll get an office job, and we'll start a family, and drive a nice SUV, and have a white picket fence, and best yard in the nieghborhood..." 
Guess what! Those dreams will NEVER exist! 
This man has already shown his moral character! He is hitching up a married woman. 
Let's say your dream happens. Well he goes to work somewhere else, how do loyal will he be when you are 7 months pregnant, he is 3 months into no sex, and he sees another attractive woman at the office? I wouldn't bet money on it. 

Plus, how do you even know he'll stay? There are a lot of guys that once they get it, they leave. They are smart enough to not stick around for the husband's fury. (too bad the OM for me wasn't smart enough to do that...)

Plus, you feel like you are living the perfect life. You got the family at home, a husband that provides, and a lover at work. 
Well, lets subtract a husband that provides and a family, and what do you got? A sex hungry lover, that's it. No home, no apartment, no family. You lose all that. Like how that math works out? 

If you still can't stay strong, imagine yourself in one year. 
You will have had an affair. To men everywhere, that screams ****, and a girl you "hook up with, but never date, and NEVER ever marry." So what will your long-term plans be? 
Your kids will forever see you as the reason their family, their world, came crashing down. I have watched my husband deal with this (and heard him talk about it) as he hates his father, for destroying his family and bringing his world crashing down around him. He disowned his father before he even graduated college. Want to be the mom that was disowned by her children? 
Plus, what will you have? Depending on where you live, you may not get a very favorable settlement. So you'll be flat broke, and have no where to live! 

Then, imagine your husband. Think of how hurt he'll be. He'll have had his heart ripped out of his chest then stomped into the ground by you. He'll be so hurt and broken, it will destroy him. Imagine him on the ground crying, angry, hurting, unable to get over the pain. And then think, "I am the sole reason he is like this. I am the reason he is experiencing so much pain and anger right now. The one person that promised to love and never betray him like this, did that betrayal, and broke that promise." 


Please don't make the same mistake I did. 
If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and stop myself. 
If I could trade in 10 years of my life, I would do it. 

Because I was the WW. 
And he knows. And he triggers. And what hurts the most:
Is not his yelling, his screaming, and hurling of insults at me. I understand his anger and pain, and he has said he is sorry, and held me when I've broken down in front of him. 
What hurts me the most, is when he cries. When he completely breaks down, but hides it from me. I know he is hurt and crying and in so much pain. Yet he won't let me help him. 

An affair is a crime you commit. But sadly your husband pays the punishment for it. 
Don't cheat. Ask every wayward spouse on this site, and they'll tell you the same thing.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConcernedinMO said:


> The guy is everything my husband isn't...


Yeah, and I'd rather be driving a BMW than a Ford. But it is WHAT IS for the time being.

Don't cheat. Simple as that. If you want to have sex outside your marriage, then leave the marriage.

As long as you are living under the same roof with your husband, take the high road. You will be able to leave with your self-respect intact.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

You want to cheat because it's in your blood. The first thing you want to do is hop on another man's di%k, because your husband is not giving what you want. You've let sex ingrain your mind as the alternative.

How about you just stop F-ing your husband and tell him that you want to leave and want a divorce?...You can't let your kitty cat breathe for a good length and sort everything out?

Explain how are you feeling weak?...Sexually weak?...That's a problem and that's not your husband's problem that's a YOU problem.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Let's not forget the OM is single for a reason, and if hes not, if he'll cheat WITH you he'd cheat ON you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

kipani said:


> Let's not forget the OM is single for a reason, and if hes not, if he'll cheat WITH you he'd cheat ON you.


Just because someone is single, doesn't mean they are not relationship material.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Relationship material is one thing. But I tend to think older single men are generally just players who don't want a real relationship.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

kipani said:


> Relationship material is one thing. But I tend to think older single men are generally just players who don't want a real relationship.


That is one approach, but we never really know a persons situation and the reason for it until we give them a chance.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Where did you meet the other man?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I have talked with my husband. I am in therapy too. Just started a few weeks ago. It's clear I'm not happy in my marriage and I'm trying to figure out if that would ever change for me. My image of him has changed over the years as I've grown stronger in my therapy. He isn't a terrible man but I see him as a child that needs to be taken care of. He doesn't act like a HUSBAND he acts like a child who complains and throws temper tantrums. 

The OM thinks I'm separated. I thought awhile back that I was really going to do it. But I didn't. Like a weakling. So... The OM doesn't know that I would be cheating. 




gbrad said:


> You say you are not ready to leave yet? so does that mean you actually plan on leaving, just need the right timing? I understand that, that's the type of boat I am in. I need timing to be better to ease the blow for both of us.
> 
> As for the desire to cheat...yah, what I have to say would not help you avoid it, so I will just leave it at that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

What about single, never been married older man Brad? Doesn't scream commitment issues? If the OM thinks you're separated thats a relationship that started on a lie. A big one.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you say that you can't afford to divorce or leave your H just yet, but should you cheat on him, you might well be forced to do so...

No matter what your reasons are for wanting to cheat, think long and hard before doing so. Your marriage might be on shaky ground, but cheating could make things ten times worse.

If I were you, I would either put all my energy into trying to fix my marriage, or all my energy into finding an appropriate way of ending it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I have talked with my husband. I am in therapy too. Just started a few weeks ago. It's clear I'm not happy in my marriage and I'm trying to figure out if that would ever change for me. My image of him has changed over the years as I've grown stronger in my therapy. He isn't a terrible man but I see him as a child that needs to be taken care of. He doesn't act like a HUSBAND he acts like a child who complains and throws temper tantrums.
> 
> The OM thinks I'm separated. I thought awhile back that I was really going to do it. But I didn't. Like a weakling. So... The OM doesn't know that I would be cheating.
> 
> ...


It is a tough situation being stuck in a situation where you feel as if you are taking care of the person more than living a life with them. 
You are stronger than I. You are trying to avoid the temptation in an actual opportunity situation. I know that given the opportunity in a situation of desire, I most likely would give in to it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

kipani said:


> What about single, never been married older man Brad? Doesn't scream commitment issues? If the OM thinks you're separated thats a relationship that started on a lie. A big one.


It does depend on age. Some just may not have had the opportunity to ever be married to someone that they thought was the right situation. Though it is possible they have commitment issues. But again, every situation is different.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

gbrad said:


> It is a tough situation being stuck in a situation where you feel as if you are taking care of the person more than living a life with them.
> You are stronger than I. You are trying to avoid the temptation in an actual opportunity situation. I know that given the opportunity in a situation of desire, I most likely would give in to it.


A man is only as faithful as his options...Sounds like you don't have any.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Cheating never fixes problems, I mean this is a grass seems greener situation, but in the end it always creates more, and you regret it 90% of the time.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

If you want a relationship with this OM, then divorce your husband. If you want to actually WORK on your marriage, instead of pretending to, then drop the OM. It really is that simple. Stop lying to both men. And stop lying to yourself. You either want the marriage to work or you don't. You can't have it both ways.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mr steal your girl said:


> *A man is only as faithful as his options*...Sounds like you don't have any.


WTF? God, not everyone wants to, or even thinks about cheating.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Cheating is just wrong...on every level..... there is never a justification for it in my opinion...never!

Don't be the bad guy OP. Either fix your marriage or D and THEN have your fun. 

I don't doubt you deserve it but do the right thing... be a good human being.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree. I'm incredibly loyal. Woof woof.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

kipani said:


> Cheating never fixes problems, I mean this is a grass seems greener situation, but in the end it always creates more, and you regret it 90% of the time.


No, you regret it 99.999% of the time.
The .001% have a personality disorder where they must not be able to feel guilt, or at least regret their actions. 

The difference is in the percentage of people that trully want to make it up to their BS. 
When one cheats, it is a question of whether they want their marriage back because they just want the financial stability, the family, and everything like that back. 
Or if it is because they are trully sorry they ripped out the heart of their spouse, and how their poor broken spouse is reaping all the punishments for the crime of their wayward spouse, and how they destroyed family because they were being selfish. 

Like for cheating: think Bernie Madhoff. Is he sorry he defrauded so many people out of their retirement money? OR is he merely sorry that he got caught? 
I have a feeling he only wishes he hadn't got caught.


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> WTF? God, not everyone wants to, or even thinks about cheating.


I never said or implied that everyone wants to cheat...Sometimes you should just Woo-sah.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mr steal your girl said:


> I never said or implied that everyone wants to cheat...Sometimes you should just Woo-sah.


Ok... and "a man is only as faithful as his options" means, what, in your opinion?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

We separated briefly a few years ago and I nearly cheated and told him about the near miss. He acted like I was a horrible person. I know that I was but he totally didn't understand that our marital problems spurred it. It gave him a way to turn all of his problems and his inadequate issues on me. I was the worst person in the world. I think I still resent that. 

To be honest, I know cheating is wrong because it's "cheating" but I really don't feel any sympathy for my husband. I've grown cold to him. Am I just a sick person???




Maricha75 said:


> Ok... and "a man is only as faithful as his options" means, what, in your opinion?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Where did you meet the OM? 
Does he have any relationship with your husband? coworkers? Buddies? Neighbors?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I met him at a work function yet we do not work together. I can tell he is very intimate emotionally and physically. My husband is neither. Never has been. 

He doesn't know my husband. 



regretful wife said:


> Where did you meet the OM?
> Does he have any relationship with your husband? coworkers? Buddies? Neighbors?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

I remember reading some statistic a while ago. 

It compared beta and alpha men. 
And here are some interesting statistics.
The number of beta men that had bachelor's degree was 66%, while for alpha males it was 33%. 

So, do you work in a professino that requires a degree? Because if you don't, you are hooking up with a man that is more likely to be alpha than beta. And most people tend to associate alpha with player. And you are hooking yourself up with a player so get where I am going with this?

And NOTE: I said MOST! Not all! There are exceptions. Meaning for the alpha men on this site in happy marriages. Not your potential OM.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Actually my husband is a college graduate but a leech off of me. He makes a decent income but lives out of his means. (I have too). 

The OM makes a lot of money and is much more grounded... Which makes me respect him more... Considering my history. 




regretful wife said:


> I remember reading some statistic a while ago.
> 
> It compared beta and alpha men.
> And here are some interesting statistics.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

Ok, and here is the million dollar question then:

What will you gain by having an affair with this man? Why can you not wait for divorce to be with this other man?


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Excellent question!!! The answer is a chance at being with someone who has it together and could 
Make me feel loved?




regretful wife said:


> Ok, and here is the million dollar question then:
> 
> What will you gain by having an affair with this man? Why can you not wait for divorce to be with this other man?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Excellent question!!! The answer is a chance at being with someone who has it together and could
> Make me feel loved?
> 
> 
> ...


That answers the first question. 
Not the second question. 
So I'll ask it again. 

Why can't you wait until divorce to be with this other man?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Excellent question!!! The answer is a chance at being with someone who has it together and could
> Make me feel loved?
> 
> 
> ...


And what is keeping you from just divorcing so you could properly pursue this possible relationship? Right now, it seems you want to string your husband along as your back up plan. I get that you have grown cold to him, but really, if it is as bad as you are making it appear...if you are not rewriting history as many cheaters do (and yes, I did it as well), why are you staying? How do you benefit having a man leech off you (your words), rather than cutting him loose? This is the point we are making. How is it better to have an affair rather than divorce, and leave the marriage you have given up on? The answer is that it isn't better to have an affair. Having an affair labels you a cheater. And, if you move from EA to PA at this point, you will be just like the woman Broder62 was involved with.... a cheater. And your OM will find out the truth eventually, as will your husband. How do you think they both will react to you stringing them BOTH along?


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Excellent question!!! The answer is a chance at being with someone who has it together and could
> Make me feel loved?
> 
> 
> ...



But you're going to lie to this man and tell him you're separated? So the relationship is going to begin based on lies, deceit and betrayal. Is that the foundation you want for an R with this man if it was to happen? If he's a decent man, he will dump you so fast once he finds out you're married. And if he doesn't then I suppose he condones cheating and then you will wonder if he will cheat on you if the opportunity arises.

But of course you're special and he would never cheat on you, right?

Get out of your marriage with your integrity intact. Why on earth people invite drama into their lives when telling the truth and having some honour could serve them and the other people around them so much better is beyond me...


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I agree that I'm a bad person for being here... But at least I still a conscience. I'm here because I need/want willpower. 

Part of the reason I think I WANT this is because it's a distraction from the real problems at home AND part of me hopes I'll fall so deeply for this other guy it will give me the guts to leave my husband. 

I mean something must be wrong with me... If I'm on such egregious error here. And I call myself a Catholic. I just hate myself for all of this... 



Zanna said:


> But you're going to lie to this man and tell him you're separated? So the relationship is going to begin based on lies, deceit and betrayal. Is that the foundation you want for an R with this man if it was to happen? If he's a decent man, he will dump you so fast once he finds out you're married. And if he doesn't then I suppose he condones cheating and then you will wonder if he will cheat on you if the opportunity arises.
> 
> But of course you're special and he would never cheat on you, right?
> 
> Get out of your marriage with your integrity intact. Why on earth people invite drama into their lives when telling the truth and having some honour could serve them and the other people around them so much better is beyond me...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

So why don't you divorce?

You said he is a leach. The longer you two stay together, the more he'll be able to leach off you. The sooner you divorce, the sooner you can run off and live your happy life with this other man, and have your own money and life.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Dont cheat, it isnt worth it. Its damn hard to live with afterwards, no matter how justified you think it was.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Because I'm scared. I'm scared of being divorced. Im scared of doing that to our son. What if I lose my mind... And can't function without my husband. I know that sounds ridiculous but we've been married for 12 years. I have lived through AWFUL treatment from him. It actually makes him look like a saint in comparison to his past... 

I'm scared to divorce. I was in therapy and my therapist was trying to understand wy I'm so scared too. I mean... I literally thought he hurt our child (few years ago) and I allowed him to tell me it was an accident. It may have been but most of my friends said THAT was the sign I needed to leave. But I didn't. I was a coward. In the end I forced therapy and he got better... 
But here I am... Still unhappy and scared. I'm weak..



regretful wife said:


> So why don't you divorce?
> 
> You said he is a leach. The longer you two stay together, the more he'll be able to leach off you. The sooner you divorce, the sooner you can run off and live your happy life with this other man, and have your own money and life.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

So you're doing what's called an exit affair. 
You are to scared to divorce your husband. 

So instead your emotionally, mentally, and physically destroy him with an affair. 

Trust me, if you can't function without him, having an affair won't help your situation. 

It is like saying "We need something to put this fire out! Grab that bucket of gasoline over there!"


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Because I'm scared. I'm scared of being divorced. Im scared of doing that to our son. What if I lose my mind... And can't function without my husband. I know that sounds ridiculous but we've been married for 12 years. I have lived through AWFUL treatment from him. It actually makes him look like a saint in comparison to his past...
> 
> I'm scared to divorce. I was in therapy and my therapist was trying to understand wy I'm so scared too. I mean... I literally thought he hurt our child (few years ago) and I allowed him to tell me it was an accident. It may have been but most of my friends said THAT was the sign I needed to leave. But I didn't. I was a coward. In the end I forced therapy and he got better...
> But here I am... Still unhappy and scared. I'm weak..
> ...


Having an affair will make it worse.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I agree that I'm a bad person for being here... But at least I still a conscience. I'm here because I need/want willpower.
> 
> Part of the reason I think I WANT this is because it's a distraction from the real problems at home AND part of me hopes I'll fall so deeply for this other guy it will give me the guts to leave my husband.
> 
> ...


But you don't need a man to save you or to give your courage. You have to learn to stand on your own feet or you will end up in a similar situation with a new man. 

Your choices are to either work with your H to overcome your marital problems together by being honest or to ask him for a divorce and separate.

I understand indecision and confusion. All too well. BUT that does not give you the excuse or the right to do something immoral or to steal someone's choices and let them live a lie (your H). You will regret it even if your new R works out. Read the stats on A's though. They rarely do. And no, you and this new man (the OM) are not special and are not the exception. Affairland is not reality.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

You said it in an earlier post.

it is because you do not respect your husband.


Don't do it. DONT do it DONT DO it. DO NOT DO IT.
It's not worth it.
It's only a matter of time before you lose respect for this other man too.
It's only a matter of time before you lose respect for yourself (if not already lost).

You honestly do NOT know how bad you are going to make things for yourself. 

If you can go and talk to your husband and tell him about this without lying, without beating around the bush, without any concern for your husband's feelings... If you are not "sneeking" around with your fantasy... If you can do all that & have no remorse for wanting to cheat... or for hurting your husband..
THEN, maybe you actually completely do NOT love or care for your husband anymore. At that point, then divorce your husband, let that good man go... THEN after divorce final, you can make a fool of yourself and throw yourself at this rich man who for some reason decided to flirt with a married woman.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Because I'm scared. I'm scared of being divorced. Im scared of doing that to our son. What if I lose my mind... And can't function without my husband. I know that sounds ridiculous but we've been married for 12 years. I have lived through AWFUL treatment from him. It actually makes him look like a saint in comparison to his past...
> 
> I'm scared to divorce. I was in therapy and my therapist was trying to understand wy I'm so scared too. I mean... I literally thought he hurt our child (few years ago) and I allowed him to tell me it was an accident. It may have been but most of my friends said THAT was the sign I needed to leave. But I didn't. I was a coward. In the end I forced therapy and he got better...
> But here I am... Still unhappy and scared. I'm weak..
> ...


If your H is truly abusive, do you think cheating on him is going to help that situation? You have a son together. Try to think about your relationship with his father going forward. If you can't think of your H, at least consider your son. If he finds out, do you want him to blame you for destroying his family as he heads into his teen years? Think of your kid.

I was unhappy in my marriage. I got attention from other men but even when I disliked my H, I always thought about how an A would affect my kids. 

Think about your son before you do something that could forever change his impression of you. And don't assume you won't get caught. The WS never thinks they will.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Firstly I recommend telling the OM that you are married. Gage his reaction. Tell him why you told him you were separated. Ask him to forgive you. Tell him you need to work out things in your marriage either divorce or not. Tell him if he wants to wait for your answer that's up to him. You owe him the honesty and I'm sure if you are going to start a relationship with him you would rather it be based on honesty ( ? ) 

You need to deal with the issues before you without the OM being a crutch to your thinking. 

If your marriage is on the rocks then it's going to take most likely years to straighten it out. Are you prepared to work on it for that long. Including set-backs it could take longer. Do you want to work that hard for happiness. Are there too many issues to overcome. Does a clean slate and fresh start make more sense?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Excellent question!!! The answer is a chance at being with someone who has it together and could Make me feel loved?


Nobody, since the dawn of time, has had the power to "make" another human being feel mad, sad, glad, loved, hated, scorned, whatever ...

Love comes from inside. First, we need to love and accept ourselves, warts and all. When we have that inside job accomplished, then we have something to give to another person.

Noboby can inject us with feeling loved or needed or wanted.

If you cheat on your husband, you cheat on yourself - your integrity, your marriage vows, the very being you are.

And I don't give a good cahoot if your husband acts like a drooling two-year-old.

Leave him. Keep working on serious counseling. Do not jump into another relationship, another bed, or another man.

Jump into your own issues first.

Then you won't feel the need to find someone to complete you. "You complete me," as Tom Cruise's character said in the movie. B.S. We complete ourselves, with the help of our Higher Power. Period.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

“The hardest battle you're ever going to fight is the battle to be just you.”
- Leo Buscaglia


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

I appreciate the words of wisdom I have received here. I guess I'm left to wonder how I grew so cold. I read books and see tv shod where I immediately see the cheater as scum of the earth. Why is it that I can't picture myself in the same position? I am considering becoming THAT person and all I can think about is DOING just that. I appreciate the perspective I've received here. 

It's just a tough struggle when you aren't in love with your husband. 





rosebanks123 said:


> Honestly cheating is a very BAD word. If you cheat all people will be judging you for what you've done but do we know why they did that crime? Maybe there are some emotional issues involved, maybe their partners lack affection to them, or their partners cheat too that's why they do cheating in revenge, maybe their's really something wrong with their relationship. There are some things that they feel and see from the other person that they didn't felt from their partners. We cannot totally blame the cheaters form doing that.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I have talked with my husband. I am in therapy too. Just started a few weeks ago. It's clear I'm not happy in my marriage and I'm trying to figure out if that would ever change for me. My image of him has changed over the years as I've grown stronger in my therapy. He isn't a terrible man but I see him as a child that needs to be taken care of. He doesn't act like a HUSBAND he acts like a child who complains and throws temper tantrums.
> 
> The OM thinks I'm separated. I thought awhile back that I was really going to do it. But I didn't. Like a weakling. So... The OM doesn't know that I would be cheating.
> 
> ...


What about when he wants to come over and surprise you?


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

I don't think your husband is the one acting like a child.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

regretful wife said:


> No, you regret it 99.999% of the time.
> The .001% have a personality disorder where they must not be able to feel guilt, or at least regret their actions.
> 
> The difference is in the percentage of people that trully want to make it up to their BS.
> ...


Just because you don't regret it doesn't mean you have a personality disorder. I have come to believe that we regret the things in life that we don't do, more than the things we do. Mistakes happen, We live, we learn, we move on. But what we don't do, changes we don't take, that can continue to haunt us our whole life.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

ConcernedinMO said:


> We
> 
> To be honest, I know cheating is wrong because it's "cheating" but I really don't feel any sympathy for my husband. I've grown cold to him. Am I just a sick person???
> 
> ...


You are not sick, you are hurting. When we hurt and we see possible opportunities to relieve that pain, we have the belief that it justifies going for it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

regretful wife said:


> That answers the first question.
> Not the second question.
> So I'll ask it again.
> 
> Why can't you wait until divorce to be with this other man?


Does it really matter?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

DH1971 said:


> I don't think your husband is the one acting like a child.


Unnecessary.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Unnecessary.


Neither is giving someone validation to cheat.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

gbrad said:


> Just because you don't regret it doesn't mean you have a personality disorder. I have come to believe that we regret the things in life that we don't do, more than the things we do. * Mistakes happen,* We live, we learn, we move on. But what we don't do, changes we don't take, that can continue to haunt us our whole life.


Yes, MISTAKES happen. But CHEATING isn't a "mistake". It is a conscious choice. It is morally wrong, and CiM knows it. Otherwise, she wouldn't have posted "please stop me from doing it". 



rosebanks123 said:


> Honestly cheating is a very BAD word. If you cheat all people will be judging you for what you've done but do we know why they did that crime? Maybe there are some emotional issues involved, maybe their partners lack affection to them, or their partners cheat too that's why they do cheating in revenge, maybe their's really something wrong with their relationship. There are some things that they feel and see from the other person that they didn't felt from their partners. We cannot totally blame the cheaters form doing that.



And distance/coldness from the spouse is NO excuse to cheat, period. If things are as bad as people make them out to be, then LEAVE. If there are emotional problems, see a counselor (as OP says she is). If the spouse is lacking affection, speak up, talk to him about it. The point is that if you don't put 100% into the marriage, it's gonna fail anyway. As long as your attention is divided, you are not putting an honest effort into it. So, if things are THAT bad, get out. Yes, there is likely going to be financial hardship. But it's worse to live a lie.

CiM, you said that financially, you can do it on your own...you're just afraid of being divorced...of being alone. But jumping straight into the new relationship while still married...you know it's the wrong thing to do. If you continue this, you know how your husband is going to react. How is the OM going to react, knowing you lied to him about the state of your marriage? And how will your son react, if/when he finds out that you were cheating on his dad, instead of getting a divorce before getting involved with someone else? What kind of message does that send to him about marriage? That it's ok to have an affair? And when your family learns of it? 

Unfortunately, if you are determined to have an affair, nothing anyone says will deter you. It's really up to you whether you do the right thing or not.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Yes, MISTAKES happen. But CHEATING isn't a "mistake". It is a conscious choice. It is morally wrong, and CiM knows it. Otherwise, she wouldn't have posted "please stop me from doing it".
> 
> 
> r not.


WE have run into this terminology issue before. When I say mistake, I mean we do things that we should not do. Sometimes they are accidental, sometimes they are on purpose. A mistake is something we shouldn't do, but still do.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Neither is giving someone validation to cheat.


Can I double "like this one??? No, make that Triple like.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Thank you so much for this honest feedback. I really do want to hear it, because I'm trying to stay on the right path. 

I guess I keep wondering if it's possible to work things out with someone... If you are drawn to other relationships? It's odd... I really want the emotional side of an affair ... And really don't want to physically cheat. Of course, my body does but my brain seems to have enough sense left to stop the physical side of it. 

Maybe someone on here could see the situation objectively enough to tell me what the hell is wrong with me! The only reason I have been tempted to get physical with the OM is because I think he is ready for that step and I don't want to lose him all together. I am going to tell him today that I can't talk to him any longer and that I need sometime alone to sort through things. Hopefully he will be supportive and understanding. 

I just think that I am a mental head case for flirting with men and starting this vicious emotional affair cycle. 6 months ago I was doing so well. My husband seemed to be more supportive and I wanted another child. Looking back, I think I "checked out" again when my husband said he didn't want another one. 




Chelle D said:


> Can I double "like this one??? No, make that Triple like.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I guess I keep wondering if it's possible to work things out with someone... If you are drawn to other relationships? It's odd... I really want the emotional side of an affair ... And really don't want to physically cheat. Of course, my body does but my brain seems to have enough sense left to stop the physical side of it.


Yes, it is possible to work things out...if it is what you truly want. If you merely go in halfheartedly, it won't. To make the marriage work, you need to put 100% into it. But so does your husband. Yea, I get the body wanting it..especially if it has been so long! And I get wanting the emotional connection. I've been there. But, to make my marriage work, I had to get rid of those who were detrimental to my marriage....IOW, the OM.



ConcernedinMO said:


> Maybe someone on here could see the situation objectively enough to tell me what the hell is wrong with me! The only reason I have been tempted to get physical with the OM is because I think he is ready for that step and I don't want to lose him all together. I am going to tell him today that I can't talk to him any longer and that I need sometime alone to sort through things. Hopefully he will be supportive and understanding.


Honestly, it doesn't matter WHAT the OM thinks. If you want to make a go of your marriage, his being supportive and understanding don't matter at all. What matters is your husband and you. What you need to do is come clean to him and tell him that you lied when you said you were separated. And, if you have chosen to make another attempt at your marriage, you tell him that as well. Again, it doesn't matter what he thinks about you working things out with your husband. You are not HIS wife.



ConcernedinMO said:


> I just think that I am a mental head case for flirting with men and starting this vicious emotional affair cycle.  6 months ago I was doing so well. My husband seemed to be more supportive and I wanted another child. Looking back, I think I "checked out" again when my husband said he didn't want another one.


Yea, I know how you feel about wanting more children, checking out, being "ripe for the picking" regarding flirting/EAs. I've been there. You just need to make the choice and stick to it. I won't lie... it's hard. But it's worth it, if he really is not abusive, etc.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I will not cheat on my husband. I respect him and myself not to make poor choices like this.

I will not make poor excuses for any poor judgments I may make. I will own up to my mistakes, bad choices and learn from them.

I love my husband. I show and tell him this daily. If I did not love my husband, I will leave. I've done this before. It was a smart move when I left my first husband on my part before I was plagued by incurable STD's on HIS part. 

I will do anything in this world to make my current husband happy. In return, he does this for me. We work together as a team to make our marriage very successful. 

Neither of us would ever cheat on each other. We are better then that.

If your not happy, fix it or leave. There is no reason or poor excuse to cheat. It's wrong and immoral.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Maybe someone on here could see the situation objectively enough to tell me what the hell is wrong with me! ... Looking back, I think I "checked out" again when my husband said he didn't want another one.


I respect your honesty about how you are feeling. But let's think about feelings; they are fickle, they come and go, they change everyday. Yes, we are feeling beings, but there are times when we have to put our feelings aside in order to look at a situation objectively.

You wanted another child with your husband. Obviously, there is a bond there, because you had the desire for him to be the father of your yet-to-be-conceived child. He changed his mind and this change apparently hurt you deeply.

Instead of having an EA or a PA with the OM, how about you and your husband get in the right frame of mind in order to sit down and discuss this? If you feel you cannot do it without a professional "referee" (counselor), so be it. 

I'm hearing a woman who is trying to run away from feeling deeply disappointed in her mate and who wants to cover over those feelings with a diversion; namely, jumping in the sack with the OM to alleviate the pain.

That won't work. Honest.


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## regretful wife (May 6, 2012)

:iagree:

You are resenting your husband because you want a baby. But he doesn't. 

And you two can't compromise at all there. There is no middle ground. It is either you have a baby, or you don't.
And because you resent that he doesn't want a child, you are wanting to find a way to deal with this pain. And you are looking for a way to cope. 
And out of your resentment and attempt to cope, you think cheating will help. 

Trust me, it won't. 
You think you resent him now for not wanting to have a child?
How much MORE will HE resent you for cheating?


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I guess I keep wondering if it's possible to work things out with someone... If you are drawn to other relationships? It's odd... I really want the emotional side of an affair ... And really don't want to physically cheat. Of course, my body does but my brain seems to have enough sense left to stop the physical side of it.
> 
> Maybe someone on here could see the situation objectively enough to tell me what the hell is wrong with me! The only reason I have been tempted to get physical with the OM is because I think he is ready for that step and I don't want to lose him all together. I am going to tell him today that I can't talk to him any longer and that I need sometime alone to sort through things. Hopefully he will be supportive and understanding.
> 
> ...


No, there is no "brain and body" want... It's what YOU want. 

Now, let me ask you... Is your husband truly deficient in terms of emotional support? As in, has all the emotion of a bowl of cold oat meal? If you say so, has he always? If not, then there's a reason he's withdrawn. That needs to be discovered. 

Now, can you please explain to me why you can't stand on your own feet? Why do you have to have some OM to "talk" to? To give you an emotional crutch? You really need to figure this out, because unless you're being seriously abused here, the problem is you, not your husband, for doing the thrill-seeking to feel good. Have you thought about bungee jumping instead? 

No, you're not a "mental head case" at all, you are, however, apparently unable to cope with something, without doing it. First, find that something, and then get to work on it, because even if you've screwed up your relationship, you need to deal with this and be emotionally secure and happy on your own accord. 

You said: The only reason I have been tempted to get physical with the OM is because I think he is ready for that step and I don't want to lose him all together.

Wow, you're willing to lose your husband, but not this uncommitted person, trying to bribe him with your body to "stay" when he's not even staying in the first place? It's YOU pursuing him, and you feel the need to bribe him for emotional validation? 

Please, I beg you, you need to get to the root of YOUR issues that you're seeking to paper over with illicit emotional thrills. Send him one message, by what ever means. "I cannot see, talk, email, or ever again communicate with you again". And, the next action of yours is to get some help figuring out why you need this. You obviously did this routine with your husband, and when you no longer got the validation from him, you started trying to find it elsewhere. Please. I beg you. Do it for you.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Well I know all of this is dead on. I know it. It's pretty ridiculous on my part... 

Here's what I think is broken. My husband acts like a child. I have to be the "man" of the house, so to speak. He makes a big deal of he gets the mail. He loves to cook and clean, but that's where it stops. Emotionally, he is cold. Physically... He likes quickies and does not like pleasing anyone other than himself. So that makes me resentful. 

Me? I lack self confidence. I came from a childhood of sex abuse. I went thru therapy and continue to go thru it. My therapis thinks I'm very "aware" in that area and function normally because I've gone through therapy. 

I also have a very public job so my looks count. I am tall and thin, but I'm scared of getting the perfect body etc because I have been there before and I feel very sexy. I want attention and my husband doesn't do that... Very rarely, I guess. He has encouraged me to get plastic surgery.. Told me how to dress. Again the OCD. He is a perfectionist and wants me to look a certain way. 

He is also attractive but is skinny. He is ashamed of his own body and I can tell that holds him back, too. 

So I don't know If this is fixable because he has gone thru therapy with me and he is stubborn and mean when called on the carpet. 





oldgeezer said:


> No, there is no "brain and body" want... It's what YOU want.
> 
> Now, let me ask you... Is your husband truly deficient in terms of emotional support? As in, has all the emotion of a bowl of cold oat meal? If you say so, has he always? If not, then there's a reason he's withdrawn. That needs to be discovered.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Well I know all of this is dead on. I know it. It's pretty ridiculous on my part...
> 
> Here's what I think is broken. My husband acts like a child. I have to be the "man" of the house, so to speak. He makes a big deal of he gets the mail. He loves to cook and clean, but that's where it stops. Emotionally, he is cold. Physically... He likes quickies and does not like pleasing anyone other than himself. So that makes me resentful.
> 
> ...


I hope by not talking about this in terms of your marital relationship, I got across to you that YOU have to learn be happy with yourself. Marriage counseling, your husband's lack of emotional support or engagement, whatever, that is extraneous to this. 

My advice is about you, and you alone. You are not going to be able to deal with a relationship, with anyone, be it the man you're married to or anyone else you get attracted to, until you can be a person who can stand on your own two feet, emotionally. 

You have to make a choice, and that choice, I would hope, sounds something like this: "I"m not going to live like this: My happiness and my ability to have hopes, dreams, and wants and not be crushed, is no longer going to be dependent on someone else, period. And then go about finding a counselor or whomever, to learn how to do that. 

I predict that in doing so, you WILL resolve what to do about or with your husband (and I hope it's an affirmative and good thing, but that's just me being hopeful), and you will not have to live with the constant compulsion to pursue someone to validate your own self worth.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

Wow! Seeking someone to validate my self worth. Ding ding ding. 

I think you just NAILED it! That's my problem! 






oldgeezer said:


> I hope by not talking about this in terms of your marital relationship, I got across to you that YOU have to learn be happy with yourself. Marriage counseling, your husband's lack of emotional support or engagement, whatever, that is extraneous to this.
> 
> My advice is about you, and you alone. You are not going to be able to deal with a relationship, with anyone, be it the man you're married to or anyone else you get attracted to, until you can be a person who can stand on your own two feet, emotionally.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Let me add about the sex part... It takes very little time for a woman who demands to be "satisfied", to create a bit of resentment - at least to this man. 

It feels selfish, for lack of any other way I know of to describe it. I want her to enjoy it for the sake of enjoying, like I do. In other words, I get a thrill from quietly leaning over, pulling up her shirt and giving the nipples a good suck. Just because I do. And if she stomps off angry because I could not perform the way she'd hoped, the next time is going to be MUCH harder. 

It takes no time at all, to simply do it when I'm horny and get it over with, kinda like jerking off with her body. I want HER to enjoy the fun, not just be needy for my performance. And when that happens, amazingly enough, we both get some satisfaction. 

This is the point where many become unfaithful. They rely on the "lust" factor, rather than intimate fulfillment and enjoyment of and with each other. Hey, after twenty years, even if both of you are supermodel material, the familiarity becomes the opposite of lust, you now need a real relationship to give it meaning.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

ConcernedinMO said:


> Wow! Seeking someone to validate my self worth. Ding ding ding.
> 
> I think you just NAILED it! That's my problem!
> 
> ...


Lest I sound boring and repetitive and clueless.. we all have a measure of that. 

That's part of why we seek relationships to enrich our lives. But when we need the thrill of the chase and the newness to make us just to have a life, so to speak... We're in a world of hurt inside.


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## ConcernedinMO (Aug 13, 2012)

My therapist asked if I wanted a loving and physically "touchy" kind of relationship. I said yes. He said do you want that with your husband? I said I don't think so... Anymore. I used to. But I don't know.. Anymore. I asked him if I could get that back and he said only if I wanted to get it back. He's right. But the question is...how do I get past all the pain? 

I used to say sex was the least of our problems, but now I'm beginning to think its the root of our problems. We are roommates. And I'm annoyed with him 24/7 internally. That isn't healthy... 

I asked for marriage counseling with him... But he hasn't really "found the time". So, it's his way of trying to pass me off... Hoping I'll calm down again. It's a viscous cycle. 






oldgeezer said:


> Lest I sound boring and repetitive and clueless.. we all have a measure of that.
> 
> That's part of why we seek relationships to enrich our lives. But when we need the thrill of the chase and the newness to make us just to have a life, so to speak... We're in a world of hurt inside.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

ConcernedinMO said:


> I asked him if I could get that back and he said only if I wanted to get it back. He's right. But the question is...how do I get past all the pain?


This is where you have to get past your feelings. How 'bout asking your counselor how you can override the bad feelings in order to find out if you want to get back the good feelings? Also, any counselor worth his/her salt, will work with you to get past the pain. It's called forgiveness. 



ConcernedinMO said:


> I asked for marriage counseling with him... But he hasn't really "found the time".


Okay, so you tell him, "In order to save this marriage, I need you to be in marriage counseling with me. I am serious. The ball is in your court. You have one week to respond."

Leave it at that. You are laying a boundary. You are not demanding he attend counseling. You are telling him it is necessary for you to salvage this marriage. You have given him a time limit.

If he refuses, then you get yourself a darned good family law attorney, move half the money from joint accounts into your own account, and hunker down for the duration of the war.

Your life. Your choices.


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## TopazGal (Sep 9, 2012)

Im telling you now don't do anything!!!

Just wait!!!! There was nothing at all Physical in my EA except in my mind & thru pics sent of the body!! But that was bad enough....it has put me in such a BAD horrible place!!!! I cannot even function!!!! I cannot even Breathe.....I cannot stop the tears.....I cannot feel right at all!!! And this is no ones fault except my own!!!

I asked the advise of the TAM they told me don't ...... etc etc..... I did anyways......because of course I know better LOL....

Now I am the one suffering.....so please don't just wait it out....wait!!!


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## The dumb-one (Sep 22, 2012)

TopazGal said:


> Im telling you now don't do anything!!!
> 
> Just wait!!!! There was nothing at all Physical in my EA except in my mind & thru pics sent of the body!! But that was bad enough....it has put me in such a BAD horrible place!!!! I cannot even function!!!! I cannot even Breathe.....I cannot stop the tears.....I cannot feel right at all!!! And this is no ones fault except my own!!!
> 
> ...



Topaz gal, 
I feel for you. You words hit a spot in me that I can relate. 

My advice to you is to lift your head up and focus on your marriage. Try to put this mistake behind you and forget that it ever happened.
My husband was cheating and i entered an EA that only lasted a month. I was totally invested in it. At the time I was a stay at home mom. So I didn't have anything that exciting. The OM could have been anyone. As it turns out he moved on and I was left trying to refocus. I went to nursing school and now I am a nurse and my hubby finally got his head out of his ass. 

We worked through it....slowly. 

Good luck!


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