# only married 10 months and he's left me



## not-giving-up (Jun 1, 2013)

Hi, I'm new to the forum but I've been reading lots of the posts over the last week and have found them a great help.

My H and I have been together almost 13 years, I am 31 and he is 38 (no kids), and we only got married last July. Things haven't been great between us for quite some time, we'd get into a deep rut of not communicating and were living more as housemates than newlyweds, I can see all this now looking back, but all this time I thought we were essentially happy, however 11 days ago H came home from work and gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. He says he's been miserable for 8 months and can't carry on, that he doesn't even want to try anymore. 

I felt like I had been hit by a train.

Somehow, I kept my calm, didn't cry or throw things, but it was clear that his mind was made up so I let him leave. He's been staying with his mum since. He came over again 3 days later and told me that he had developed feelings for a woman at work and although he's not acted on it (which I genuinely believe) he didn't feel he could carry on living with me while he was having these feelings for someone else. 

I felt like I had been hit by a train.

I still kept my calm, and didn't cry or throw things, but I let him go again. A week of limited contact went by, with me analyzing every minute detail of anything he put on Facebook and getting my hopes up if he put a x at the end of a text etc. I was torturing myself while it seemed like he was just getting on with life. 

He came over today and told me he's got chance to take a room in a shared house near work from August, and he'll stay at his mum's till then.

I felt like I had been hit by a train.

I had thought/hoped that he just needed a couple of weeks to get his head together. Not the case. He has, however realised that his feelings for this OW were not real, he had been able to talk to her about our problems where he'd felt he couldn't talk to me and in his words he'd "imprinted onto her like a baby duck" He said he doesn't want anyone else, but he still doesn't know if he wants to work on the marriage. I ignored this - call it selective hearing - and said I understand that he needs to be away, he needs time to sort his head out, but I will not give up on 13 (mostly happy) years without a fight.

He has agreed to go on weekly "dates" and we're having our first date on Wednesday. We'll just have to see what happens from there.

I've done a few desperate things, like emailing him links to mid-life crisis articles and mid-level stalking, but I've generally kept a positive outlook -I honestly don't think my marriage is over, but it's sooooooo hard to keep positive when the person you love most in the world has reached into your chest and ripped your heart out.

Sorry for the mahoosive post, I just needed to pour my heart out to people that understand.

xxx


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

The worst thing you can do right now is try to emphasize that he is wrong and has a problem. You shouldn't be sending him any articles about mid-life crisis and even worst mid-level stalking. What was that for? 

Don't make absence make his heart grow bitter. He may think that living away from you is the best thing and that he should have done it earlier. 

Let him do his thing for now. I know its difficult but let him go six days of the week but on your date night, make the most of it. Don't act desperate or clingy on the date or try to pass blame and start an argument. 

Do not rush him also. This date night agreement is very good so use this opportunity to let him fall in love with you all over again. And don't hope for sparks after one date. Just try to build on each date like the way a regular relationship blossoms.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Call me cynical, but I would not take his word lightly about this other woman. He has had enough contact with her to admit he is lusting after her. He is not going to give you the full truth, and either he is still with her or she turned him down cold and you are still plan B. Do not settle for being plan B. Make him work to earn your trust back. Initiate the 180 because you will want to beg and take the blame and it will only hurt you. It is time to protect your heart, and if he comes around to realize that you are his soulmate, he will prove it to you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You are only 31. Start your Plan B now, cause your husband is going to continue his sampling of 2 women. Start doing the 180 and start exercise if you are not doing so now. 

You been with him since you were 17 or 18. There must be a more faithful and loyal man out there for you than him.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I have never been a fan of rewarding bad behavior, dating you should be something special. If he wants to date you, he should forsake all others. You should not be the special of the day. 

I seem to get the feeling that you have been viewing this relationship through rose colored glasses and that it hasn't all been rainbows and lollipops. If he can't make 1 year without second guessing himself, I don't think I would waste a bunch of time on this Barney.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Let me set something straight. You didn't "Let" him go.. he was going regardless. By you telling him he can leave was his easy out and he didn't have to take ownership of his actions (she told me to leave so she wanted to end it... not me)

You need to stop everything until he wants to work on his marriage with YOU... not both of you.

I think you need to stop talking to him... let him figure things out and let him make the move to want to work on things. 

You are starting what I did... and I'm telling you right now.. you need to stop it. It makes it worse.

Texts, calls and emails...wait 4 to 5 hours to reply. Otherwise he knows you are waiting by the phone/computer for his message. make him wonder what you are doing.. not the other way around.

This is all stuff from my therapist.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree that you need to stop sending him articles, thereby insinuating that this is all his fault. Initiate the 180. If you don’t know what it is, google it on search it on this site. Don’t do it in the hope that it will get him back. Do it for you. The date nights can be a positive thing if you go into them strong and confident. Show him that, while you enjoy being with him, you don’t need him. And between the date nights, stick to the 180. Not answering his texts for a few hours is a good start.

Will he consider marriage counselling? If not, get some individual counselling yourself. Not only will it help you deal with his leaving, it will also help you become stronger.


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

My situation is very similar to yours, except for the last part, my wife really is going through with the divorce. 

What I have learned is that it is okay to stay hopeful, but the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself right now in case the worst scenario takes place. My wife cheated with a married co-worker (she said they were just friends, but was lying) and I decided to check myself into the hospital for suicidal thoughts as a result. She moved when I was there... I'll be honest, if I did not learn immediately what I needed to do for myself to be okay, I would not be here today.

Take care of yourself first and then you will be in a position to work on the relationship if there is a chance for recovery. Definitely open the lines of communication again, because that is the only way to repair things and keep a healthy relationship going forward. Counseling is not a bad option as well. I hope that your marriage flourishes when all is said and done.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

This is kind of like what my H has been acting like. I mean we have been together less years than you and your H, but when my H left me he didn't really give me a good exucse either. I got the whole I love you but am not in love with you rubbish aswell. He also said that he had been feeling miserable and that our relationship wasn't how it used to be. 

Before we got married we were closer than ever, both happy with each other. We had our fights but always got past them and my H would always tell me how much he loved me and was lucky to be with me. After we got married it was like something inside him snapped. He totally changed, it was like he couldn't handle marriage. He left me after being married for one year and a few months.

Did you know if your H was comfortable with being married? I know it might not be the only reason but with my H it seemed to be the main reason. 

But take everyone's advice and look after yourself, make sure you focus on your life as it sounds like he is doing just that. I know it is hard, I am still trying myself, but it really is the best thing you can do right now. The good thing is he still wants to see you and you have arranged weekly dates, but make sure he is being totally honest and he not just using you until he totally decides what he really wants to do. Trust me that's what my H started doing to me in the last few weeks before he left me.


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## jwheels82 (Jun 8, 2013)

I'm actually in the same situation my wife and I dated for nine years and she left six months after the wedding. We haven't arranged weekly date nights but we are going out to dinner this week. I have a question. By having weekly dates with her H wouldn't that just fuel his desire to search for OW without any time restraints? Is it still possible to initiate the 180 rule but see her H once a week?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

jwheels82 said:


> I'm actually in the same situation my wife and I dated for nine years and she left six months after the wedding. We haven't arranged weekly date nights but we are going out to dinner this week. I have a question. By having weekly dates with her H wouldn't that just fuel his desire to search for OW without any time restraints? Is it still possible to initiate the 180 rule but see her H once a week?


The 180 isn’t an all or nothing thing. Take out of it what works for you. That said, it does seem that fitting a weekly date into it defeats the purpose. Showing the WS a strong you is a good thing, however perhaps spacing it further apart than every week might be a better strategy.


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