# Should jealous and possessive wife be encouraged to become a hotwife?



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this.. 

We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.

Nevertheless that is not really the main issue or question I want to ask, merely a background. Here is the Q:

So.. She has always been extremely possessive and jealous about me, to the point of massive fights about her perceptions about someone I had contact with at work (and ZERO interest of intention of having affair for number of reasons beyond my love for my wife) which has settled down a bit over the years but never went away and with her not being in a mindset to keep up our sex life, it became more and more frustrating because I am the most loyal man a woman could dream of, we share responsibilities at home, I make twice she makes, I shower her with compliments, buy flowers randomly and give her multiple orgasms EVERY single time. Hence being under suspicion of jealously because people I work with happen to be 50% female is both insulting and frustrating..

Frustrating to the point when I considered giving her a hall pass, suggest having affair or just casual sex with someone else to diffuse that bomb of anxiety and jealously which seems to be always present.. Maybe immersion in such experience will give her perspective? I dont know.. Not sure what kind of logical fallacy I am looking at here and probably I am wrong but at this point I would rather her to be a flirtatious, exhibitionist **** with Tinder account I am aware of rather than anxious and extremely jealous but loyal wife. On the side note she does have history of an affair during her prior marriage long time ago.

Obviously I do anticipate that she would suspect long term con on my part, that I want to be with another woman etc but i was wondering if you gals and guys have any experience with situation like this.

Is essence: will a jealous wife make a good sort of "hotwife"? Or any other advice how to deal with jealously?? 

Thanks for you patience and looking forward to suggestions.

Cheers.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So how long did it take you to come up with what you believe to be an ingenious plan to get your wife to start swinging with yiou?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Weeks into months. Pushed by every jealous outburst over nothing and they tend to linger for days with no make up sex attached because she's literally violent. 

I didn't say anything about swinging and I don't care about it. I just want her to chill and remind herself how it is to be a happy naughty girl she was when I met her.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Well, that's quite a lot to absorb, for a first post.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

CountryMike said:


> Well, that's quite a lot to absorb, for a first post.


Lol


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

I didn't think suggesting to your wife she go be with another man after she's gained weight and is feeling insecure and jealous will make your life more peaceful.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

How are you making the leap from your wife being "jealous" to giving her a "hall pass"?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

gaius said:


> I didn't think suggesting to your wife she go be with another man after she's gained weight and is feeling insecure and jealous will make your life more peaceful.


She's 110 lbs and looks amazing and receives compliments and reassurance every day.
She's a perfectionist and I guess she wants to have abs she had when she was 30.
Hence the idea of having others show her appreciation because, unfortunately, women don't care about what husbands think and present themselves for other women and some men they are actively pursuing.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

sideways said:


> How are you making the leap from your wife being "jealous" to giving her a "hall pass"?


Via immersion in that experience and showing her that if she's guilty of the real thing then being jealous about imaginary infidelity is absurd.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> She's 110 lbs and looks amazing and receives compliments and reassurance every day.
> She's a perfectionist and I guess she wants to have abs she had when she was 30.
> Hence the idea of having others show her appreciation because, unfortunately, women don't care about what husbands think and present themselves for other women and some men they are actively pursuing.


If she's that attractive then like you said, she gets appreciated by men every time she goes out. She already has that validation. All you would be doing is exacerbating her feelings that you might be interested in another woman, if you really don't care about her being with another guy. 

I would sternly tell her that she has no right to accuse you like she does, and next time she does you're going to take her into the bedroom and show her exactly what you want. Her. Don't even spend time giving her an orgasm. Just use your attraction for her to get off. Rinse and repeat till she starts finding a way to cope with the fact she's not 30 anymore. Or at least stops taking it out on you.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

AC2021 said:


> Via immersion in that experience and showing her that if she's guilty of the real thing then being jealous about imaginary infidelity is absurd.


There are likely other ways to handle jealousy.

You being into the hotwife thing must be a part of this at a minimum to suggest it as a 'solution'.

Slippery slope to go down....


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

AC2021 said:


> Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this..
> 
> We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.
> 
> ...



I wouldn't think that would make any difference at all and would only make things worse.

Dealing with why her sex drive is dropping and trying to get that back to normal levels seems more pertinent. Also, about the jealousy, are you doing things that she just does not like....such as traveling with women for work, going out alone with women for work? If you are you could of course stop doing those things. Is it just the fact that you work with women and they are there and you sometimes talk with them for the job? It would seem a little off for her to be that way if you don't have a lot of close contact, alone time, outside of work friendship & texting and such. 

Your issues should be solved amongst you.....not by having sex with other people or being an online cam/photo prostitute.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She's just innately insecure. There is literally no connection between what you're proposing and her insecurity. 

Honestly this is a case of if it ain't broke don't fix it. I'm sure you've already given her the spiel many times about you're not interested in other women. Suggesting she start being with other men will make her head explode because she will rightly assume that it's because you want to be with other women. And I say rightly assumed because that would be the law of averages at work. 

Honestly you're just so lucky to have such an attractive woman who is still interested in you at your ages and with all the kids and career and everything that you really need to just sit back and enjoy it and stop fantasizing about your perfect scenarios.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sometimes having a PHD doesn't mean you have one iota of common sense, as in your case. What a totally rediculous and completely mad idea. 
Why not just admit that you are turned on by the thought of her being with another man? Don't ever suggest it though if you want to keep your marriage intact.


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## meme4321 (Aug 9, 2021)

This is a dumb idea. She doesn't want to sleep with someone she loves and trusts. What makes you think she wants to sleep with other men? Start looking at what you may have done to make her have less of a sex drive and working on fixing that part of your relationship. Start with a really open conversation where you ask her in a non-threatening way why she thinks your sex life has slowed down, and whether she would like it to increase to what it once was.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

hinterdir said:


> I wouldn't think that would make any difference at all and would only make things worse.
> 
> Dealing with why her sex drive is dropping and trying to get that back to normal levels seems more pertinent. Also, about the jealousy, are you doing things that she just does not like....such as traveling with women for work, going out alone with women for work? If you are you could of course stop doing those things. Is it just the fact that you work with women and they are there and you sometimes talk with them for the job? It would seem a little off for her to be that way if you don't have a lot of close contact, alone time, outside of work friendship & texting and such.
> 
> Your issues should be solved amongst you.....not by having sex with other people or being an online cam/photo prostitute.


I do more than 95% I know do in terms of commitment, helping at home etc and I have not gone out with any people from work for years.
This is why it's so frustrating. I literally work my butt off, try to exercise 15 min before shower to look reasonable, make twice she makes and to be honest I have done majority of child care overnight ever since they came around (because I hear things first).

Yet at the whiff of a female coworker she's going through my text messages and explodes after the other party puts an unprovoked smiley face..


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ahh, "hotwife", or "pimp my wife" as I like to call it. "How I married a porn star" maybe? "How I really wanted to marry a porn star?"

It's the Russian Roulette of marriage. These posts never gets old.

Given her being a naughty girl, and how prevalent jealous projection seems to be, part of me wonders if she is already participating in that lifestyle and you just don't know it. Cheaters are notorious for being very jealous, mostly because they think everyone is like them.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Nah! it seems that you just want to justify your needs for being a pathetic cuckold. I would say just go ahead and let her be ****ed by other dudes, so that what most likely will happens is she eventually leaving you for another man. Then you will not longer have to worry about her jealousy and possessiveness. or she would want to stay with you, but would want you to clean her out after she comes from her lover's.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think it's a poor idea. Clever, but ill-advised. If she is so jealous that it negatively affects your life, just divorce her! Even if she did go for it, I doubt she'd overcome her jealousy, and then you'd have the resentment of an even more concerning double standard to handle. I couldn't live with having to watch everything I say or do with everyone, or I'd just have interact platonically with anyone I wanted and to hell with her reaction (which probably leads to divorce anyway).


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Ahh, "hotwife", or "pimp my wife" as I like to call it. "How I married a porn star" maybe? "How I really wanted to marry a porn star?"
> 
> It's the Russian Roulette of marriage. These posts never gets old.
> 
> Given her being a naughty girl, and how prevalent jealous projection seems to be, part of me wonders if she is already participating in that lifestyle and you just don't know it. Cheaters are notorious for being very jealous, mostly because they think everyone is like them.


She's not a cheating type. Jealous and possessive is the issue. And whatever it takes to dismantle that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AC2021 said:


> Pushed by every jealous outburst over nothing and they tend to linger for days with no make up sex attached because she's literally violent.


Yeah, it sounds like you're married to a real peach.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> She's not a cheating type. Jealous and possessive is the issue. And whatever it takes to dismantle that.


So she is not the cheating type but you are pushing her into the arms of another man, and you think that is going to solve your marriage problems? This being a person who seems to be worried that you are not into her, and you are going to tell her you have no problems with her being with someone else? Yeah that will really convince her that you are into her?

That is sarcasm if you can't tell. What you will be telling her is you care for and desire her so little that you don't care if some other guy ****s her. Exactly the opposite of what she wants to hear and just reinforcing all her fears. This total failure of understanding by both of you probably contributes to her insecurity. 

I think you should woo her and pursue her like you did when you were younger first and see if that works. Seems to work with a lot of women who cheat, but remember for some women it's not - "you're hot", but "you are important and I want to be close to you".

If that doesn't work I think you should talk to her about how you are feeling. 

Besides that you should talk to her about her jealousy and how it's really becoming a problem in your marriage, particularly if she is abusive. Maybe it's time to get some counseling. I would let her know that it has the potential to end your marriage if nothing is done.

Stop with this covert stuff and say what you mean.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

I'm not sure a hall pass would stop your wife from feeling insecure or jealous.

If her mind is already suspicious, then you opening up the marriage, even if it's one sided, could just make her more so. 

Why do you have text messages on your phone from other women/co workers? Seems like stopping that might be more helpful.

How about instead of jumping right into opening the marriage sexually, you just offer to post some good (headless) photos of her online and let her see the compliments she gets from that, see if that has the same confidence boost that you are looking for.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if she is the jealous type hotwife life style will not stop her from getting stupid ideas about you ,


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

This porn inspired fantasy is 99% likely to blow up your marriage. She’ll never look at you as her loving hubby after you loan her out. The next guy will probably tell her “I’d never share you if you were mine”- as he’s making passionate love to her. Maybe you’ll get to raise another guys kids though as a fringe benefit- 😂.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Get your marriage into a good place with strong trust, communication, and boundaries before you think about adding any further complexity to it.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

A hall pass will do absolutely nothing but maybe feed some desire in you to hot wife your wife. I don't buy this as a remedy for her jealousy and possessivness. Ask her to see individual counseling so a 3rd party can clear her head of any idea you are up to something with no proof.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

AC2021 said:


> She's not a cheating type. Jealous and possessive is the issue. And whatever it takes to dismantle that.


well that is not true you just wrote she did have an affair in a prior marriage...so there is past behavior to consider here....but that is not the point of post. Forgive but i get the sense you are trying to get your wife back to considering herself a hotties, by offering her sex with someone else....i do not think you have played this our in your head or at least look at the repercussions that could come out of this. 

Look if both of you are in love with one another and there is no cheating involved, and she is jealous it means there is still passion in your marriage (some would argue otherwise) if she invested in this relationship to the point she can't stand another woman to look at you for too long. you should be instead working on both relationship with ways to find more times to spend together....perhaps in doing so she will feel less jealous and know your heart and body belongs to her....this hotwifing will only confuse things, will make her disrespect you and in the back of her mind give you the hall pass to play outside the marriage.....stop this line of thinking and work on more constructive measures that will make her feel safe within only your arms. don't make this about you but about her.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> Weeks into months. Pushed by every jealous outburst over nothing and they tend to linger for days with no make up sex attached because she's literally violent.
> 
> I didn't say anything about swinging and I don't care about it. I just want her to chill and remind herself how it is to be a happy naughty girl she was when I met her.


So you would be good finding that wild vixen side of herself again even if it does not include you? 
Which is what will most likely happen.
She will be riding the carousel but you will be forbidden to by her jealousy. If she is that bad now i would have to wonder if she is projecting. She is afterall the one with an adultress past. And when she got all pissy, i would smack her upside her head with the fact she is the one who was a cheater, not me, so cut that **** out!


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She's just innately insecure. There is literally no connection between what you're proposing and her insecurity.
> 
> Honestly this is a case of if it ain't broke don't fix it. I'm sure you've already given her the spiel many times about you're not interested in other women. Suggesting she start being with other men will make her head explode because she will rightly assume that it's because you want to be with other women. And I say rightly assumed because that would be the law of averages at work.
> 
> Honestly you're just so lucky to have such an attractive woman who is still interested in you at your ages and with all the kids and career and everything that you really need to just sit back and enjoy it and stop fantasizing about your perfect scenarios.


The issue is really the jealousy and as her sexual drive went down it becomes more and more difficult to deal with unjustified jealousy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> Via immersion in that experience and showing her that if she's guilty of the real thing then being jealous about imaginary infidelity is absurd.


I think it’s a crazy idea and I think you’ve got an ulterior motive. Not trying to be a jerk. But if I think it, your wife probably will to. It’s a crazy plan. I’m impressed that you think you’re such a stud that no other man who is being intimate with your wife could cause her to fall in love with him. 
I’ll just say it: You’re plan sucks.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> So you would be good finding that wild vixen side of herself again even if it does not include you?
> Which is what will most likely happen.
> She will be riding the carousel but you will be forbidden to by her jealousy. If she is that bad now i would have to wonder if she is projecting. She is afterall the one with an adultress past. And when she got all pissy, i would smack her upside her head with the fact she is the one who was a cheater, not me, so cut that **** out!


That's a good point.. Although that projection seems to me to be a form of anxious prevention of anything the like rather than being hypocritical.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I think it’s a crazy idea and I think you’ve got an ulterior motive. Not trying to be a jerk. But if I think it, your wife probably will to. It’s a crazy plan. I’m impressed that you think you’re such a stud that no other man who is being intimate with your wife could cause her to fall in love with him.
> I’ll just say it: You’re plan sucks.


Yeah I am pretty confident about what I offer and she was desperate to keep me before.
There is no ulterior motive other than having her back to her best for my benefit. I can see your point though.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am incapable of seeing how you would not be repulsed by the thought of another man being with your wife. So my narrow mind is probably not able to see your point of view and I’m not helpful. I would think if you took some time off and took your wife in some romantic trip and bonded with her, that would be better than farming her out with other dudes. If that’s what was required to keep her happy, I’d become single or just drink some hemlock.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I am incapable of seeing how you would not be repulsed by the thought of another man being with your wife. So my narrow mind is probably not able to see your point of view and I’m not helpful. I would think if you took some time off and took your wife in some romantic trip and bonded with her, that would be better than farming her out with other dudes. If that’s what was required to keep her happy, I’d become single or just drink some hemlock.


She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back, and suppress the jealousy (to which seem to be no solution) would be so fantastic that letting her off the leash for a while does not sound horribly impossible. 

How do you deal with a anxious jealous bi**h who asks about names of all the people in every meeting to see who's female and who will go though text messages periodically making sure nobody is hitting on me? Because that's what's left of the passionate lover I had in her before. And it's devasting because I love her.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> Yeah I am pretty confident about what I offer and she was desperate to keep me before.
> There is no ulterior motive other than having her back to her best for my benefit. I can see your point though.


Well if you are truly trying to get your wife back as you state. This is a terrible plan.
As a wife, if my husband offered me a hall pass I'd think. Huh he doesn't value and treasure me. As Sokillme said, he wants to pimp me out.

And if I was a jealous person. I'd say wait is he offering me a hall pass cause he wants one? No only does he not love and cherish me anymore he wants a hall pass himself. Or did he already use one without me knowing?

If she has never expressed any interest in a hall pass than you are devaluing your relationship.

She probably has some insecurities and thinks you are such a catch every woman would want you.
BTW you keep mentioning you make twice as much as she does. Do you bring this up often at home?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back, and suppress the jealousy (to which seem to be no solution) would be so fantastic that letting her off the leash for a while does not sound horribly impossible.
> 
> How do you deal with a anxious jealous bi**h who asks about names of all the people in every meeting to see who's female and who will go though text messages periodically making sure nobody is hitting on me? Because that's what's left of the passionate lover I had in her before. And it's devasting because I love her.


This is a screaming flag that you are making her feel insecure.

Or that she is cheating and projecting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well if you are truly trying to get your wife back as you state. This is a terrible plan.
> As a wife, if my husband offered me a hall pass I'd think. Huh he doesn't value and treasure me. As Sokillme said, he wants to pimp me out.
> 
> And if I was a jealous person. I'd say wait is he offering me a hall pass cause he wants one? No only does he not love and cherish me anymore he wants a hall pass himself. Or did he already use one without me knowing?
> ...


Yes, that is what I meant by if I think he has an ulterior motive, so would she. Well put.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I am incapable of seeing how you would not be repulsed by the thought of another man being with your wife. So my narrow mind is probably not able to see your point of view and I’m not helpful. I would think if you took some time off and took your wife in some romantic trip and bonded with her, that would be better than farming her out with other dudes. If that’s what was required to keep her happy, I’d become single or just drink some hemlock.


OP notwithstanding, my theory has always been it's two possibilities. First it's about power. Some guys get off on having the power to get their wives to have sex with someone she has no real desire to be with, which is why I call it - "pimp my wife". Think about is there any greater power then to get someone to have sex with someone else? 

I have also grown to believe that it's "porn inspired" like C-Dad wrote above. At this point lots of guys grew up watching porn because it was so available . Thing is they associate porn with sex, so basically they have trained their minds to be turned on by WATCHING a women have sex, not HAVING sex with women. Their fantasy is not to have sex with a women, but to have a porn star who you can watch in person and direct as she has sex.

Whatever, I just don't believe it's good for marriage.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AC2021 said:


> Is essence: will a jealous wife make a good sort of "hotwife"?


Why on God's green Earth would you think this!?!?! The vast majority of women would find the very idea hurtful and repulsive.



AC2021 said:


> Hence the idea of having others show her appreciation because, unfortunately, women don't care about what husbands think and present themselves for other women and some men they are actively pursuing.


Where do you get such ideas? Women tend to care what their spouses think far more than they care what their friends or rando's on the street think.



AC2021 said:


> I do more than 95% I know do in terms of commitment, helping at home etc and I have not gone out with any people from work for years.
> This is why it's so frustrating. I literally work my butt off, try to exercise 15 min before shower to look reasonable, make twice she makes and to be honest I have done majority of child care overnight ever since they came around (because I hear things first).
> 
> Yet at the whiff of a female coworker she's going through my text messages and explodes after the other party puts an unprovoked smiley face..


Gee, if you do all that maybe she feels she doesn't contribute enough and that you may be on the look out for a more equal partner. Build her self worth through action. Hers. She needs a sense of accomplishment and to do things she can be praised and appreciated for.



AC2021 said:


> The issue is really the jealousy and as her sexual drive went down it becomes more and more difficult to deal with unjustified jealousy.


Not unjustified. There is a real threat to the longevity of the marriage and she is naturally mate guarding. What threat? Low/no sex. Without mutual sexual satisfaction the pair bond weakens and a partner might start thinking of either cheating or divorcing in favor of finding an enthusiastic sex partner. She knows this. She's insecure in her ability to provide the quality and quantity of sex you want or need. 



AC2021 said:


> Yeah I am pretty confident about what I offer and she was desperate to keep me before.


This is all about self worth and insecurity. She needs to step up her game in order to feel better about herself and her abilities as a wife and lover. You should encourage that. Have her do more. Praise and appreciate her when she fully participates and she will feel more confident and less insecure.

All your idea of hotwife tells her is that you don't value her, aren't concerned about possibly losing her, and would prefer to pass her off to another man...any other man....who will take her so you don't have to deal with her. Not a pro move unless you're looking to divorce. And there's simpler ways to end a marriage that involve a lot less drama, pain, and mental and emotional damage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> The issue is really the jealousy and as her sexual drive went down it becomes more and more difficult to deal with unjustified jealousy.


I don't see how those two correlate either. Sounds like you just have some resentment toward her but she sounds like a pretty good wife. It can certainly be frustrating dealing with someone who's always suspicious and especially if they are monitoring you. But to me it doesn't sound from what you said like it's all that severe. Some people just have insecurity that goes all the way back to childhood and doesn't necessarily have to do with you in particular so there's not much you can do about that.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well if you are truly trying to get your wife back as you state. This is a terrible plan.
> As a wife, if my husband offered me a hall pass I'd think. Huh he doesn't value and treasure me. As Sokillme said, he wants to pimp me out.
> 
> And if I was a jealous person. I'd say wait is he offering me a hall pass cause he wants one? No only does he not love and cherish me anymore he wants a hall pass himself. Or did he already use one without me knowing?
> ...


Thank you for your input and perspective.
Suggestion that I would take a lover is a cliche though and I would never do it. She's a "dime" as kids would say, and I love every fiber of her body.

No I don't mention money at all, just quietly take care of everything we need. I was just pointing out that I fullfil my duty with regard to making more as a man and allowing her to have lighter workload.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> This is a screaming flag that you are making her feel insecure.
> 
> Or that she is cheating and projecting.


Explain the screaming flag?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't see how those two correlate either. Sounds like you just have some resentment toward her but she sounds like a pretty good wife. It can certainly be frustrating dealing with someone who's always suspicious and especially if they are monitoring you. But to me it doesn't sound from what you said like it's all that severe. Some people just have insecurity that goes all the way back to childhood and doesn't necessarily have to do with you in particular so there's not much you can do about that.


Do you find checking phone messages and asking names of all work related contacts to determine who's female normal?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

AC2021 said:


> She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back, and suppress the jealousy (to which seem to be no solution) would be so fantastic that letting her off the leash for a while does not sound horribly impossible.


Women don't respect men who let them screw around with other men. She will lose massive respect for you.

Everyone acknowledges she has issues that need major work, just that proposing that she see other men won't fix those problems and will only make things worse and likely unrecoverable.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> Do you find checking phone messages and asking names of all work related contacts to determine who's female normal?


My first thought would be that there must be something you’re doing to contribute to this.
Either she’s cheating and projecting, or you’re doing something that causes suspicion.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> My first thought would be that there must be something you’re doing to contribute to this.
> Either she’s cheating and projecting, or you’re doing something that causes suspicion.


Either way, solution isn't bang a third party.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I have my money on that she's cheating and projecting btw.....


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Why on God's green Earth would you think this!?!?! The vast majority of women would find the very idea hurtful and repulsive.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for this very thoughtful response. Makes me think..


----------



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

sokillme said:


> OP notwithstanding, my theory has always been it's two possibilities. First it's about power. Some guys get off on having the power to get their wives to have sex with someone she has no real desire to be with, which is why I call it - "pimp my wife". Think about is there any greater power then to get someone to have sex with someone else?
> 
> I have also grown to believe that it's "porn inspired" like C-Dad wrote above. At this point lots of guys grew up watching porn because it was so available . Thing is they associate porn with sex, so basically they have trained their minds to be turned on by WATCHING a women have sex, not HAVING sex with women. Their fantasy is not to have sex with a women, but to have a porn star who you can watch in person and direct as she has sex.
> 
> Whatever, I just don't believe it's good for marriage.


I am 44 so take it easy with porn education nonsense.

And I do have the power because of how much I contribute to our relationship, how loyal I have been and how many times I bailed her out from all kind of troubles.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is also something to rewarding good behavior and providing consequences for bad behavior.

The formula you are suggesting is:

*****y and jealous = hall pass.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

AC2021 said:


> She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back, and suppress the jealousy (to which seem to be no solution) would be so fantastic that* letting her off the leash for a while does not sound horribly impossible*.


I agree. What can possibly go wrong by pulling the pin on a marriage grenade?

You seem to have run all the numbers. Check the outcomes.
Naturally you came to the conclusion of hot wifing to solve the issues at hand
Seems like a totally legit idea to help save a marriage.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> Gee, if you do all that maybe she feels she doesn't contribute enough and that you may be on the look out for a more equal partner. Build her self worth through action. Hers. She needs a sense of accomplishment and to do things she can be praised and appreciated for.


It's very confusing because I do all that to allow her to be a feminine woman and not complain that she's overwhelmed with housework/family/extra work etc..

Yet no matter what you do it seems like there is always a way for a woman to justify being a bi**h.
Sorry for cynicism but I am emotionally exhausted by this.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

re16 said:


> There is also something to rewarding good behavior and providing consequences for bad behavior.
> 
> The formula you are suggesting is:
> 
> *****y and jealous = hall pass.


It's not a reward. The purpose would be eye opener.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

re16 said:


> There is also something to rewarding good behavior and providing consequences for bad behavior.
> 
> The formula you are suggesting is:
> 
> *****y and jealous = hall pass.


As has been said though, most women would never see their husband pimping them out as a reward, but as a punishment.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Yeah, it sounds like you're married to a real peach.


She is incredibly hot and has been for 10 years together and we burned together in that flame in a way I had never felt before and she's a mother my kids so yes I am biased and forgiving.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

Perhaps, her jealousy is an attempt to cover up her own indiscretions. It's not an uncommon thing for cheaters to do. I think the logical fallacy you're talking about is the cuckold fallacy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> I am 44 so take it easy with porn education nonsense.
> 
> And I do have the power because of how much I contribute to our relationship, how loyal I have been and how many times I bailed her out from all kind of troubles.


When trying to come up with a reason for guys purposely wanting to become cuckolds, mine is as good a any.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

So, according to you, you have bailed her out "from all kind of troubles" and she gets violent at times. Yeah, I can see how her being "hot" is enough to make up for the violence and "troubles." SMH


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

WTF? So you want to diffuse your wife’s jealousy and lower sex drive by letting her **** other men?
If you get off on letting your wife give herself to other men, and everything that comes with that, good luck I guess...

Just understand that you likely have no idea the box you are opening up, and that the likelihood of your marriage completely imploding is extremely high.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes having a PHD doesn't mean you have one iota of common sense, as in your case. What a totally rediculous and completely mad idea.
> Why not just admit that you are turned on by the thought of her being with another man? Don't ever suggest it though if you want to keep your marriage intact.


I am a PhD too.....post hole digger!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

🤦‍♂️

Wow, like trying to fix a sink by replacing a working grill - trying to fix her jealousy by replacing her fidelity. Like really? I don't know what dots you managed to link up and how.

No, this won't work. Assuming she is a loyal wife, in the off chance that she even agrees to this, you can use it against her to shut her mouth but it won't change her feelings or thoughts, only leading to resentment not to mention the Pandora's box of problems you may have by opening up your marriage.

If she hasn't been loyal then she is projecting and you have another set of issues where opening up your marriage, is not a solution.

As a rule, based from what I've seen works in open marriages- unless you want your marriage to burn in the dumbster -> never open up your marriage unless it is strong enough to handle it, don't use it as if it's a fix because it's not.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this..
> 
> We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.
> 
> ...


I am not even going to read the comment before putting this out. Seeing that you are not even a day old as of this writing, allow me to give you my background. I am one of the site's few polyamourous members. I have a husband and 2 wives. I am also an educator within the BDSM community, and the poly community (there is a lot of overlap in my area).

So knowing that, when I tell you, this won't work, please believe me. Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) is *never *the answer to a problem marriage. To some problems within an otherwise stable marriage, maybe. But not for what you are describing. This is therapist territory. There is an issue here, that maybe she is not aware of. Consciously that is. Jealousy is rarely about any one thing. There is usually something else as an underlying issue. But I somehow doubt that your doctorates are in the fields that you need to help figure this out.

Now I know a lot of people balk at going to such a therapist. One of my encouragements to get them to go is that they are great at helping couples communicate better. Communication is a skill like any other, and it is a myth that somehow couples can manage to develop this skill instinctually between them. Once you have that skill, then the two of you should be able to convey your issues better, and clearer.

Now, maybe hotwife, or swinging or other forms of ENM might be a good fit for you as a couple, maybe not. But you need to have a stable marriage before you can even consider it. Without that foundation, your odds are minimal. Or as I like to say it, slim to none and Slim is heading for the door. Get yourself stable and then if you still want to look into it, we can talk again.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If this is real, you must be either insane, or, as others are saying, have an ulterior motive. Your wife is the jealous type - I get it. And in many cases I would say it is not as uncommon as you make it out to be. You keep using the word bi**h when describing her which is worrying. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with you?!?!?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back, and suppress the jealousy (to which seem to be no solution) would be so fantastic that letting her off the leash for a while does not sound horribly impossible.
> 
> How do you deal with a anxious jealous bi**h who asks about names of all the people in every meeting to see who's female and who will go though text messages periodically making sure nobody is hitting on me? Because that's what's left of the passionate lover I had in her before. And it's devasting because I love her.


Maybe you need to make it clear yhat she must be projecting because historically she is the cheater..let me see your phone so i can run recovery software and read all your messages woman. She will probably freak....for good reason.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> Do you find checking phone messages and asking names of all work related contacts to determine who's female normal?


I don't consider it totally normal but I also don't think it's unusual at all. A lot of spouses like to have two-way transparency. I think most people with partners are going to be curious about who they're spending time with. I mean there's a matter of degrees. Like if someone from work is contacting you on a regular basis after hours, I think that's reason for some questions and transparency. Sometimes it just helps if you invite them to come pick you up for lunch so they get to meet who you work with and that can settle their mind that you're at least not trying to sneak around or something. 

It kind of diffuses the problem if they meet the people and get a face matched to a name. They may see that they're not at all attractive or anyone you'd be attracted to or they may just like the person.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Maybe you need to make it clear yhat she must be projecting because historically she is the cheater..let me see your phone so i can run recovery software and read all your messages woman. She will probably freak....for good reason.


Silly.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> If this is real, you must be either insane, or, as others are saying, have an ulterior motive. Your wife is the jealous type - I get it. And in many cases I would say it is not as uncommon as you make it out to be. You keep using the word bi**h when describing her which is worrying. I am starting to wonder what is wrong with you?!?!?


You have no idea about the names she uses during our fights..


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AC2021 said:


> You have no idea about the names she uses during our fights.


Yep, like I said you've got yourself a real peach there. Sounds like you two are drama junkies. Sad, but true.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Every now and then you get reminded that there are people out there that enjoy setting themselves on fire or cutting themselves with knives or hammering nails into various parts of their body. 

Self destruction is a hobby for some.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Your wife needs a therapist, it sounds like. Over the top jealousy is not healthy for her, or you both. If your wife had a drug habit, you'd get her help. She needs help for this because it's unhealthy behavior. I hope things get better.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Every now and then you get reminded that there are people out there that enjoy setting themselves on fire or cutting themselves with knives or hammering nails into various parts of their body.
> 
> Self destruction is a hobby for some.


Not quite relevant.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I don't consider it totally normal but I also don't think it's unusual at all. A lot of spouses like to have two-way transparency. I think most people with partners are going to be curious about who they're spending time with. I mean there's a matter of degrees. Like if someone from work is contacting you on a regular basis after hours, I think that's reason for some questions and transparency. Sometimes it just helps if you invite them to come pick you up for lunch so they get to meet who you work with and that can settle their mind that you're at least not trying to sneak around or something.
> 
> It kind of diffuses the problem if they meet the people and get a face matched to a name. They may see that they're not at all attractive or anyone you'd be attracted to or they may just like the person.


No such issues exist. No after hours texts, no late meetings, no business dinners for years. 
When another woman is in sight she checks if and how many seconds I lay my eyes on her and then proceeds to disparage her features proactively.. Totally normal.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

right so how do you think you are going to talk her into something like hot wife lifestyle 
I am no expert on this no one is because to be an expert you would have to be in many relationships and no one is ever in that many , but it seems that a number of couples try this some because the husband can't make love some because of different moral code , some because of different sex drive , some because of the husband having a wish to have a **** wife ,
**** is a word I hate to use I THINK IT IS the worst type word to give to any woman 
but there are some wifes that like to be called **** , 
I don't know if your wife is one of these but of all the couples that try the hot wife lifestyle many only try it for a one off 
and then they drift back into normal life 
I think this is what you seem to wish for that you have some thing to told against her for the rest of her life and that this will some how work for you to be able hold a more relaxed life thinking that she will not want to kill you the next time she see you talking to a woman 
there are others that try hot wife but once they start they can't stop , do you want to be this type where she becomes alpha wife and likes the alpha men and see you as her little boy , some of these women cage there husband in a cockcage or they bring their husband along to look and some have threesome but some make the husband have sex with the other men as well , 
so what exactly do you think your wanting


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> No such issues exist. No after hours texts, no late meetings, no business dinners for years.
> When another woman is in sight she checks if and how many seconds I lay my eyes on her and then proceeds to disparage her features proactively.. Totally normal.


So you are looking at women in her presence. That would put anybody's antenna up.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> Not quite relevant.


I think in this case he is guessing at mental/emotional self destruction on her part.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> So you are looking at women in her presence. That would put anybody's antenna up.


LOOKING as is when another person rolls into line of sight you do notice them regardless of their gender and it takes a fraction of a second.
Her reaction is not to do the same but to immediately evaluate my reaction EVERY SINGLE TIME.
It's exhausting. I am former military operator and situational awareness is like an instinct you know.
Just like it should be for any man looking to protect their family.
And now it's a chore to go out because God forbid a remotely attractive female shows up within the field of vision. Is that a normal behavior?
Also it's natural for men to notice women, it's evolutionary and men voluntary have to fight it.
In case you ladies wonder.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AC2021 said:


> And I do have the power because of how much I contribute to our relationship, how loyal I have been and how many times I bailed her out from all kind of troubles.
> 
> 
> It's very confusing because I do all that to allow her to be a feminine woman and not complain that she's overwhelmed with housework/family/extra work etc..
> ...


So, she's a sharp tongued, jealous, violent, ***** who runs other women down in front of you. Yeah, this woman is so insecure I'm surprised she doesn't repetitively check the ground while she walks to make sure it hasn't disappeared.

You doing almost everything for her? THAT'S NOT HELPING!

We're close in age. You want to know what makes me feel like a secure feminine woman? Strength! Confidence! Boundaries!

And this isn't just a woman thing. Humans, in general, need strength, confidence, and boundaries. We need to know where our place in the world is and what is and is not acceptable behavior to feel secure and confident in our choices and actions. We need to struggle a bit and overcome those struggles. We need to accomplish tangible things to have real self worth, feel valuable, and accept praise because we know we've earned it. You are denying your wife this by doing for her. Any praise you may give is meaningless because she has done nothing to earn it. She's insecure because she has zero confidence in herself or her abilities, has not tested her strengths, and has no enforced boundaries to make her feel safe.




AC2021 said:


> It's not a reward. The purpose would be eye opener.


Open her eyes to what? That her inherent value is to be sexually used by men? That her only purpose is to be pretty and willing to put out?

A woman's primary need is security. It's human nature that we guard what we value. A thing that is not valuable is not secure. It could be sold or given away at any time to anyone. By telling her to have sex with other men you're sending the message that she is not particularly valuable to you. This would take her already high insecurity and turn it up to max.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

MJJEAN said:


> So, she's a sharp tongued, jealous, violent, *** who runs other women down in front of you. Yeah, this woman is so insecure I'm surprised she doesn't repetitively check the ground while she walks to make sure it hasn't disappeared.
> 
> You doing almost everything for her? THAT'S NOT HELPING!
> 
> ...


Thank you for this. The problem is, how do I even start shifting the responsibilities? She will perceive it as if I stopped caring for her, burden her and create excuse to be upset and tired etc.. 
This unbelievable shift in her behavior started after kids so I feel bad because I realize it's a physical and emotional burden for women and ever since I have been catering to her needs and taking things off her hands.
Before kids this woman would wake up at 4:30am to have sex, wash her hair and look out of the box ready to go to work with a lunch she made herself while I was getting ready too and helping with those things on and off.
After the kids arrived, I am the one waking up at 5:30 making coffee and lunch for her and kids, feeding he kids breakfast while she's doing her hair for an hour and needs help to get in the car with her coffee and take off before me.
She still looks out of the box but this is all she does in the morning. 
Then I take kids to school (my schedule allows it after some adjustments; hers would require her to stay longer afternoon if she was to leave earlier) and off to work..

Have I really made a mistake of spoiling her and ruining her confidence because of that?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this..
> 
> We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.
> 
> ...


You may be a highly educated man, but you have come up with the most idiotic solution to your problem. The only logical reason I can come up with for this idea is that if she has "cheated" you will be able to throw that back in her face when she accuses you. That sounds like a very toxic relationship.

What makes you think that by immersing her in the cheating lifestyle will make her less jealous? I think even bringing it up to her would completely backfire. She will think you MUST be cheating if you are willing to share her with other men. What other logical conclusion could there be from her point of view? Why else would a man want to share his wife excecpt to relieve his guilt of cheating on her?

Have you tried something a little more traditional, like communication? As others have said, her actions should be making you concerned/jealous. Reduced sex with the spouse and jealousy are very common signs of infidelity. Maybe tell her that. Have you considered counseling?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Thank you for this. The problem is, how do I even start shifting the responsibilities? She will perceive it as if I stopped caring for her, burden her and create excuse to be upset and tired etc..
> This unbelievable shift in her behavior started after kids so I feel bad because I realize it's a physical and emotional burden for women and ever since I have been catering to her needs and taking things off her hands.
> Before kids this woman would wake up at 4:30am to have sex, wash her hair and look out of the box ready to go to work with a lunch she made herself while I was getting ready too and helping with those things on and off.
> After the kids arrived, I am the one waking up at 5:30 making coffee and lunch for her and kids, feeding he kids breakfast while she's doing her hair for an hour and needs help to get in the car with her coffee and take off before me.
> ...


Try reading
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. It has very useful information about the married relationship dynamic and how it relates to sex. It could be a blueprint for changing the relationship between you and your wife.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> LOOKING as is when another person rolls into line of sight you do notice them regardless of their gender and it takes a fraction of a second.
> Her reaction is not to do the same but to immediately evaluate my reaction EVERY SINGLE TIME.
> It's exhausting. I am former military operator and situational awareness is like an instinct you know.
> Just like it should be for any man looking to protect their family.
> ...


You know it's hard for me to say without being there and seeing it for myself, but if it appears to your wife that you're a guy who can't resist checking out women on the street, that's going to be enough to make her suspicious.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I think there's something wrong with your wife. I think you both should go to get evaluated and receive couples therapy. Her violent outbursts are not normal. Extreme jealousy is not normal.

Men are visual. Men look without even trying. Women look as well. I'm sure your wife looks at other men. 

You need some guidance on how to deal in a healthy way with her jealousy. Telling her to sleep with other men is not healthy at all. I don't know how you came up with that idea. 

Look for a psychological evaluation and some therapy. 

Did she suffer from post partum depression?How is her relationship with her children? Is she jealous of their relationships too? Is she a jealous friend? How was her life at home while growing up?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I've been with men who don't have the swivel-head problem. Most of the ones I knew didn't, not when they were with me anyway. It's really disrespectful.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Something that keeps bothering me, if I read a all of your posts correctly, but the phrase from Shakespeare hamlet ringing in my head....” me think the woman protest to much” .....her jealousy is of someone trying to hide something.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've been with men who don't have the swivel-head problem. Most of the ones I knew didn't, not when they were with me anyway. It's really disrespectful.


It seems OP is not that kind of man. It seems he gets anxious to even have to glance at other women. This is not normal or healthy. Sometimes women are dressed in a way to expose a lot of skin. It's even hard for me not to look at them. I've seen my husband looking at them, most of the time he's shocked at the kind of outfits women wear. We both look at each other and laugh. I don't think OP can do the same with his wife.


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## alights (May 10, 2021)

You would let her sleep with someone else and you would be OK with that? Me thinks there is more to the story here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

maquiscat said:


> I think in this case he is guessing at mental/emotional self destruction on her part.


No actually I am referring to the mental stability and self destructiveness on HIS part.


----------



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I've been with men who don't have the swivel-head problem. Most of the ones I knew didn't, not when they were with me anyway. It's really disrespectful.


There is no swivel head and I made it clear. 
Your making assumptions.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> There is no swivel head and I made it clear.
> Your making assumptions.


You did say you can't help looking and that you thought that was normal. So....It's a small thing. Maybe sunglasses? The point is, do everything you can to fix it on your end before having a major confrontation about her seeing a psychologist. She doesn't sound that extreme to me, but it's hard to tell. If she has picked up on that you have some kind of "out there" sexual ideas like the one you brought in your original question, she has a reason to not trust you. I think if it's really a problem, you both need to go together to a psychologist. Because your idea of how to fix it was completely disconnected from reality, my friend.

I fear you are more interested in being right and using that for some sort of leverage for something you want than you are in solving a jealousy problem she has that you can do small things to help on your end, like letting her see your phone and being transparent.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> It seems OP is not that kind of man. It seems he gets anxious to even have to glance at other women. This is not normal or healthy. Sometimes women are dressed in a way to expose a lot of skin. It's even hard for me not to look at them. I've seen my husband looking at them, most of the time he's shocked at the kind of outfits women wear. We both look at each other and laugh. I don't think OP can do the same with his wife.


This is very accurate. I got to the point when I would rather deal with less competent contractor who is a man as opposed to more competent woman competition just to avoid interrogation and potential assumptions.

What's more.. recently I spent some time texting and talking to male acquaintance on a rather esoteric subject she is not very familiar with and made a comment that it's good to stimulate my brain intellectually (to be fair that acquaintance is much better at it than I am and it required quite a bit of effort to keep up) to which she commented something like "so I don't stimulate you intellectually enough" half jokingly. Next day she wakes up saying she had a dream in which that buddy of mine I was talking to was gay, had affair with one of her friends (male) and was trying to hit on me too..
I was left speechless.. is this some sort of personality disorder triggered by stress and anxiety!?
Because it's obviously absurd and not normal? Is it?


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> How do you deal with a anxious jealous bi**h who asks about names of all the people in every meeting to see who's female and who will go though text messages periodically making sure nobody is hitting on me? Because that's what's left of the passionate lover I had in her before. And it's devasting because I love her.


You ask her to get some counseling for her jealousy which is clearly destructive to your marriage. You DON'T ask her to go out and get laid by others -- which would be WAY more destructive to your marriage.

Jealousy is one of those emotions that tears up the person who IS jealous -- not just the target of the jealousy. She HAS to want to get that awful feeling done with.


----------



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You did say you can't help looking and that you thought that was normal. So....It's a small thing. Maybe sunglasses?


I said that all people notice fellow human beings appearing in their field of vision and men in particular have evolutionary instinct to notice females which takes half a second tops. No turning head, no gazing, no effort.
I find "swivel head" pathetic especially that my wife beats 99.9% of women I have seen in my life in terms of esthetics.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> No actually I am referring to the mental stability and self destructiveness on HIS part.


Explain?


----------



## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You ask her to get some counseling for her jealousy which is clearly destructive to your marriage. You DON'T ask her to go out and get laid by others -- which would be WAY more destructive to your marriage.
> 
> Jealousy is one of those emotions that tears up the person who IS jealous -- not just the target of the jealousy. She HAS to want to get that awful feeling done with.


Yet she will only acknowledge it on occasion. Rest of the time she's saying something like "I have always been very exclusive in a relationship" etc as in we're talking about a variant of normal behavior and I am basically a man w****e by having interaction with other women at work or being anything else but rude towards them to show that I only respect her as a woman.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> Yet she will only acknowledge it on occasion. Rest of the time she's saying something like "I have always been very exclusive in a relationship" etc as in we're talking about a variant of normal behavior and I am basically a man w****e by having interaction with other women at work or being anything else but rude towards them to show that I only respect her as a woman.


Which means she needs counseling. WORKING with someone doesn't make them people you are banging.
Being exclusive doesn't mean you can't TALK to people of the opposite sex. Yes, if you are out at the bars every week with them, I'd see that she has a point, but just because you are in a MEETING with them? Yeah, not rational.
She does need a professional to talk about this with -- they can help her wrap her head around it.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> You ask her to get some counseling for her jealousy which is clearly destructive to your marriage. You DON'T ask her to go out and get laid by others -- which would be WAY more destructive to your marriage.
> 
> Jealousy is one of those emotions that tears up the person who IS jealous -- not just the target of the jealousy. She HAS to want to get that awful feeling done with.


It does sound ridiculous when I think about this idea now but then I thought that maybe getting her sexuality back on track will make her notice other women less since her confidence will increase? And frankly after flowers, gifts, diamonds, chores and making her life as comfortable as possible I am at the end of my patience and sanity at times.

I have had zero interest in other women since we met and if I was to divorce at any point I would rather stay single than risking another relationship and emotional savagery of some selfish women out there. My work is extremely stressful and together with worrying about our kids' future provides enough concerns. Sorry I am ranting but at this point in time and after having investments and life insurance set up I can't say I am afraid of whatever days may bring and I have little incentive to be anxious about not making it to retirement.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> Which means she needs counseling. WORKING with someone doesn't make them people you are banging.
> Being exclusive doesn't mean you can't TALK to people of the opposite sex. Yes, if you are out at the bars every week with them, I'd see that she has a point, but just because you are in a MEETING with them? Yeah, not rational.
> She does need a professional to talk about this with -- they can help her wrap her head around it.


She makes six figures and is very stubborn. It will be a difficult feat to convince her about seeing someone but I guess you're right.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> Explain?


Because what you are talking about doing is self destructive and nonsensical. 

You have a tenuous relationship with someone who has a history of infidelity and who is disproportionately jealous and controlling. 

(Often the the people who are the most suspicious and jealous are the ones with roving eyes and cheating hearts themselves) 

And yet you are talking about pimping her out to other men while you watch and get off.

Explain to us how this is solution-oriented and a benefit to your relationship.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Because what you are talking about doing is self destructive and nonsensical.
> 
> You have a tenuous relationship with someone who has a history of infidelity and who is disproportionately jealous and controlling.
> 
> ...


I don't want to watch and get off. The idea was for her to out there, flirt, feel like a naughty careless girl again and rediscover her confidence which would suppress the anxiety and insecurity. And by dealing with di**heads also appreciate what she's got.
Granted this idea doesn't sound as valid as it did in the beginning thanks to some very thoughtful comments here I am grateful for.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> She makes six figures and is very stubborn. It will be a difficult feat to convince her about seeing someone but I guess you're right.


So SHE works with probably a few men at least, yes? So why is THAT OK for her, but the reverse is NOT OK for you?
Can you see that what SHE is speaking about, maybe even in a rational tone, is COMPLETELY irrational? Jealousy like this is irrational.
She needs help realizing that.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So SHE works with probably a few men at least, yes? So why is THAT OK for her, but the reverse is NOT OK for you?
> Can you see that what SHE is speaking about, maybe even in a rational tone, is COMPLETELY irrational? Jealousy like this is irrational.
> She needs help realizing that.


That's true but she would say that colleagues XYZ are not attractive and she's got no inappropriate interaction. But you're right she needs help to see that hypocrisy


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> I don't want to watch and get off. The idea was for her to out there, flirt, feel like a naughty careless girl again and rediscover her confidence which would suppress the anxiety and insecurity. And by dealing with di**heads also appreciate what she's got.
> Granted this idea doesn't sound as valid as it did in the beginning thanks to some very thoughtful comments here I am grateful for.


You’re thinking like a man. 

She is a woman and doesn’t operate on the same operating systems as men.

Men need to get out and experience the other sex to develop their confidence and self esteem.

She has been hit on by about every single male she’s ever met since she was 13 years old.

Getting male sexual attention and getting a man into bed is not an accomplishment or source of pride or confidence for women because virtually every single woman can get every single man on the planet into bed for just a hook up. 

Sexual attention and NSA sex is the easiest thing in the world for them. It’s like finding sand in the desert for women.

It’s stable, healthy, mutually beneficial relationships that are hard for women to achieve. 

Your plan may help an awkward teenage boy get more confidence.

But getting pimped out to other men for sex, will destroy a woman’s security and confidence in her marriage.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> This is very accurate. I got to the point when I would rather deal with less competent contractor who is a man as opposed to more competent woman competition just to avoid interrogation and potential assumptions.
> 
> What's more.. recently I spent some time texting and talking to male acquaintance on a rather esoteric subject she is not very familiar with and made a comment that it's good to stimulate my brain intellectually (to be fair that acquaintance is much better at it than I am and it required quite a bit of effort to keep up) to which she commented something like "so I don't stimulate you intellectually enough" half jokingly. Next day she wakes up saying she had a dream in which that buddy of mine I was talking to was gay, had affair with one of her friends (male) and was trying to hit on me too..
> I was left speechless.. is this some sort of personality disorder triggered by stress and anxiety!?
> Because it's obviously absurd and not normal? Is it?


This sounds like total insanity. I don't know if I would have the patience to live with that. I can tell you for certain that getting her to flirt with other guys and maybe even hook up with other guys is not going to fix this. In a later post you said she doesn't even see the hypocrisy of her being jealous about working with women, yet doesn't give a second thought to her working with men. Actually, this doesn't even seem gender related, now she is also jealous about men too. No way would turning her into a "hotwife" make this any better. You would just have two enormous problems to deal with rather than one. She really seems to need psychiatric counseling.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hope you truly see this idea for what it is OP


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes having a PHD doesn't mean you have one iota of common sense, as in your case. What a totally rediculous and completely mad idea.
> Why not just admit that you are turned on by the thought of her being with another man? Don't ever suggest it though if you want to keep your marriage intact.


i did see a study once that highly educated people are more likely to be interested in swinging/hotwifing.

not sure why, maybe they can disassociate from their marriage as part of an "experiment". 
but as others have said, there does not seem to be much connection to her insecurity and your interest in turning her into a hotwife. 

if you FORCE her into it, she may resent you forever. especially if it goes poorly.
so i would suggest you only pursue this in a fantasy/role playing way UNLESS she seriously develops an interest in it..


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

alights said:


> You would let her sleep with someone else and you would be OK with that? Me thinks there is more to the story here.


I am no possessive, if this was to help her rebuild her confidence I thought could handle that although not sure if it's such a good idea anymore.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

have you considered one of those vacations to some place like Hedonism II. I hear you do NOT HAVE TO participate in the swinging, but that it is an open atmosphere if you want to. So...kind of taking her to the smorgasbord and then letting her decide if she wants to partake?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> have you considered one of those vacations to some place like Hedonism II. I hear you do NOT HAVE TO participate in the swinging, but that it is an open atmosphere if you want to. So...kind of taking her to the smorgasbord and then letting her decide if she wants to partake?


This sounds extreme to be honest. I didnt mean to her to be gangbanged and I am quite sure she would not like that suggestion at all.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

AC2021 said:


> That's true but she would say that colleagues XYZ are not attractive and she's got no inappropriate interaction. But you're right she needs help to see that hypocrisy


Why have you let her control you this way? This is crazy to me! 

What happens when you tell her other women are not attractive to you? When she goes crazy, what do you do? 

This is kinda of abusive to me. Kinda like borderline personality.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> Why have you let her control you this way? This is crazy to me!
> 
> What happens when you tell her other women are not attractive to you? When she goes crazy, what do you do?
> 
> This is kinda of abusive to me. Kinda like borderline personality.


Well obviously she doesn't trust what I say in that respect.
You're right, I probably should have addressed this earlier but you can't be rational with her during discussion most of the time, she gets agitated, vulgar and on few occasions physically violent and is able to drag the argument for days with silent treatment or being simply nasty for days and I don't have that time on my hands with the work I do.
So I would typically try to placate her some how with some sort of reconciliatory statements to be done with it and resume normal function..
It's been like this for years but ever since the kids and surge in jealousy and anxiety combined with decline of sexual activity, the issue has become more frequent and unmanageable..


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Well obviously she doesn't trust what I say in that respect.
> You're right, I probably should have addressed this earlier but you can't be rational with her during discussion most of the time, she gets agitated, vulgar and on few occasions physically violent and is able to drag the argument for days with silent treatment or being simply nasty for days and I don't have that time on my hands with the work I do.
> So I would typically try to placate her some how with some sort of reconciliatory statements to be done with it and resume normal function..
> It's been like this for years but ever since the kids and surge in jealousy and anxiety combined with decline of sexual activity, the issue has become more frequent and unmanageable..


To put it crudely your wife sounds batshit crazy. Do you realize you just described perfectly what happens in an abusive relationship? You aren't going to find a solution here. Your wife needs psychiatric help, period.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> To put it crudely your wife sounds batshit crazy. Do you realize you just described perfectly what happens in an abusive relationship? You aren't going to find a solution here. Your wife needs psychiatric help, period.


Well she's also a caring and protective mother and used to be a wonderful passionate lover and I am completely addicted to her skin and scent still.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

BigDaddyNY said:


> To put it crudely your wife sounds batshit crazy. Do you realize you just described perfectly what happens in an abusive relationship? You aren't going to find a solution here. Your wife needs psychiatric help, period.


I agree. She needs a psychiatric evaluation. 




AC2021 said:


> Can you imagine a wife saying:
> 
> _you can't be rational with *him* during discussion most of the time, *he* gets agitated, vulgar and on few occasions *physically violent* and is able to drag the argument for days with *silent treatment or being simply nasty for days*_


Your wife's behavior is abusive. If a woman were in your shoes, she would be advised to get away from her crazy abusive husband. 

You've been in this toxic marriage for too long you have forgotten what a healthy relationship looks like.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Try reading
> The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 by Athol Kay. It has very useful information about the married relationship dynamic and how it relates to sex. It could be a blueprint for changing the relationship between you and your wife.


Thanks will look it over.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I agree. She needs a psychiatric evaluation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That's depressing..


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> The idea was for her to out there, flirt, feel like a naughty careless girl again and rediscover her confidence which would suppress the anxiety and insecurity.


And even if it worked, she would be getting those feels for/with other men. 
She wouldn’t feel like a naughty, careless girl with/for YOU.

So even if it worked, it would work against YOU, and further destroy your bond and marriage.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

pastasauce79 said:


> I agree. She needs a psychiatric evaluation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I love this woman and I don't want to lose her and really hope somehow I will get her to understand.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> I love this woman and I don't want to lose her and really hope somehow I will get her to understand.


So you would rather be a doormat then be in a healthy relationship?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> So you would rather be a doormat then be in a healthy relationship?


No. I am at the limits of my sanity and something needs to change. Just saying that I feel torn.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> It's been like this for years but *ever since the kids and surge in jealousy and anxiety combined with decline of sexual activity, the issue has become more frequent and unmanageable..*


Let me first preface this with she is going to some extremes and physical violence is never ok and she shouldn't be yelling at you.

However, This looks like a combo of insecurities.
She had kids and probably is very insecure about her body.
Kids naturally lower libido in many women.
You say you don't mention it but you do seem to be hung up on the fact you make more money.
and throw in Covid for good measure.

It seems whether it is true or not she feels unsafe in the relationship like you might leave her and the kids for another woman. It could be a reflection of her own cognizance that she has a different body and less of a sex drive. Many women are well aware often times when those things come into play men find another woman.

She needs reassurance that you love her and find her sexy. You say you aren't having sex as much did I miss how often you are initiating? 

She also needs boundaries that you won't be treated like this. First I'd let her look through you phone when ever she wanted but I wouldn't constantly answer questions about who came to a business meeting during business hours at the business. Things change abit is these are after hours meetings held at restaurants or bars or out of town.

If she gives you the silent treatment shrug it off.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> I love this woman and I don't want to lose her and really hope somehow I will get her to understand.


Understand what? What isn’t she understanding?

Bad Behavior is rarely ever a lack of understanding or not being aware of something. 

It’s almost always a matter of character.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This is the most ridiculous solution to jealousy that I have ever heard. Some people are educated beyond their intelligence. And, it is *post* doctorate - not past doctorate.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AC2021 said:


> No. I am at the limits of my sanity and something needs to change. Just saying that I feel torn.


Either than your wife's abusive behaviour, in terms of jealousy and seemingly lack of trust may I suggest transparency?

My partner has access to my email, phone, computer, work, etc etc.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> This sounds extreme to be honest. I didnt mean to her to be gangbanged and I am quite sure she would not like that suggestion at all.


well in that case her head must be pretty darned far away from becoming a hotwife too! 
As a hotwife she has to ACTIVEY pursue men, such as getting dressed up very sexy and going to a bar by herself, or at least going thru online ads (such as on ashley madison) and sending the men messages.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

pastasauce79 said:


> It seems OP is not that kind of man. It seems he gets anxious to even have to glance at other women. This is not normal or healthy. Sometimes women are dressed in a way to expose a lot of skin. It's even hard for me not to look at them. I've seen my husband looking at them, most of the time he's shocked at the kind of outfits women wear. We both look at each other and laugh. I don't think OP can do the same with his wife.


I was like that for a while. My wife was previously married to serial cheater so she haf some trust issues. I felt like i was walking on eggshells. She was soo suspicious i felt i needed to constantly refuse to acknowledge the existence of another female that was in my proximity. 

Pretty freaking hard to act like someone does not exist. To actively ignore women in your vicinity. There were probably some that thought i was a real dik. When my wife would act suspicious i was thinking what the hell am i doing that would make her think that of me. 

Thing is my behavior change trying to do anything to not make her think i was checking out other women by being disconnected from my surroundings or zoned out because i am activel trying to not acknowledge the woman standing 2 feet away in line at gas station.

Then she starts asking what i am thinking about...nothing.......other than what am i doing that would make her think this of me.Finally figured it out...i was not doing a damned thing! It was her screwed up mind because of her cheating exhusband. Finally started telling her I was not her damned exhusband. I have a moral code and she will never find one as loyal as me.

I know damned well how screwed up it is to live under suspicion when you did not do anything to deserve it. It freaking sux. But it will not change unless you stand up to the treatment and nip it in the bud.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> She makes six figures and is very stubborn. It will be a difficult feat to convince her about seeing someone but I guess you're right.


Communications within a marriage or other similar relationship is way different than what is needed for business or even social functions. As I said, it's a skill that needs to be learned. It's not magically in your head when you marry or after so many years. Yeah some can do it naturally, but not many, as shown by the divorce/breaking up rates. Try the learning from the expert pitch. Given a 6 figure position then I would hope that she understands the value of experts.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jealousy and possession isn’t love. Your wife has issues that her becoming a hot wife might throw you right into divorce.

I have heard it said many times, only a strong relationship with complete trust has a chance of surviving what you are proposing. Many fail with the strongest of relationships.

Your relationship is no where strong enough to do this. Your wife can actually see it as you relieving your own guilt by letting her **** someone else.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> Well obviously she doesn't trust what I say in that respect.
> You're right, I probably should have addressed this earlier but you can't be rational with her during discussion most of the time, she gets agitated, vulgar and on few occasions physically violent and is able to drag the argument for days with silent treatment or being simply nasty for days and I don't have that time on my hands with the work I do.
> So I would typically try to placate her some how with some sort of reconciliatory statements to be done with it and resume normal function..
> It's been like this for years but ever since the kids and surge in jealousy and anxiety combined with decline of sexual activity, the issue has become more frequent and unmanageable..


Your wife is acting like she is 12.

Something else to consider, quite a few cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating. There have being several stories here and on other sites where the cheating wife acts just like your wife. Something to look into.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I was like that for a while. My wife was previously married to serial cheater so she haf some trust issues. I felt like i was walking on eggshells. She was soo suspicious i felt i needed to constantly refuse to acknowledge the existence of another female that was in my proximity.
> 
> Pretty freaking hard to act like someone does not exist. To actively ignore women in your vicinity. There were probably some that thought i was a real dik. When my wife would act suspicious i was thinking what the hell am i doing that would make her think that of me.
> 
> ...


This sounds painfully familiar man.. Thanks


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> She needs reassurance that you love her and find her sexy. You say you aren't having sex as much did I miss how often you are initiating?


My attitude never changed. Her body did a bit but she is still a stunning woman who's dressed to kill every day and practically never goes out without heels etc. 
I am always the one to initiate to the point of feeling I harass her. When I do I make her cum at least 2-3 times every time..but she is horny literally twice a month for couple of hours on her day off (she works 4 days a week) so it's hard to synchronize and actually see her in the mood.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Your wife is acting like she is 12.
> 
> Something else to consider, quite a few cheaters accuse their spouse of cheating. There have being several stories here and on other sites where the cheating wife acts just like your wife. Something to look into.


Thanks although doubt it..


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> I don't want to watch and get off. The idea was for her to out there, flirt, feel like a naughty careless girl again and rediscover her confidence which would suppress the anxiety and insecurity. And by dealing with di**heads also appreciate what she's got.
> Granted this idea doesn't sound as valid as it did in the beginning thanks to some very thoughtful comments here I am grateful for.


I'm not thinking her jealousy will be ''cured'' this way. Jealousy is a close cousin of fear, and she fears something. Something that has nothing to do with you, but her anger/rage lands on you, because you're near. You're there. It's not right, but I think that this behavior is triggered from something else, fearing loss of some kind. Did she ever lose someone near to her as a child? I feel bad for you, it sounds like you try, but she is lost in some way. I hope that she'll listen to reason, because she's actually abusive, from what you share. ((Good luck))


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

*Deidre* said:


> I'm not thinking her jealousy will be ''cured'' this way. Jealousy is a close cousin of fear, and she fears something. Something that has nothing to do with you, but her anger/rage lands on you, because you're near. You're there. It's not right, but I think that this behavior is triggered from something else, fearing loss of some kind. Did she ever lose someone near to her as a child? I feel bad for you, it sounds like you try, but she is lost in some way. I hope that she'll listen to reason, because she's actually abusive, from what you share. ((Good luck))


Thank you for your kind response. Best way to tackle it?


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

I have known 3 hotwife couples. Their relationships, while different seemed pretty strong with a huge level of trust, communication and honesty between them.
I don't think that a hotwife life is a good bet for Mr and Mrs OP.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

AC2021 said:


> Thank you for your kind response. Best way to tackle it?


Check out the Touch of Flavor podcasts. There is a great one early on that focuses on jealousy, and they address the topic several times in their Q&A episodes.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

mickybill said:


> I have known 3 hotwife couples. (Don't ask) Their relationships, while different seemed pretty strong with a huge level of trust, communication and honesty between them.
> I don't think that a hotwife life is a good bet for Mr and Mrs OP.


I do not for the life of me understand that. You know the saying, "I have a .45 and a shovel, and I'm sure you would not be missed" Glad my wife is fiercely loyal and thinks i hung the moon.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

As a concept, I don’t have anything against any kind of mutually consensual nonmonogamy (I do think hotwife/cuckold carries the highest risks, but I have no moral or ethical objections to it)

But what I see as the fundamental flaw here is your proposed solution has nothing to do with the problem. 

It’s like trying to fix your car by painting your garden shed. 

She’s not jealous and controlling and she’s not having less sex with you because she’s not having sex with other men. 

There for having sex with other men will not fix those issues. 

Your whole line of thinking is irrational, disconnected and nonsensical.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

AC2021 said:


> Thanks although doubt it..


The husband is always the last to know


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let me break it down into base form - having sex with other people is never the solution to any kind of problems in a marriage/relationship. 

There is a very tiny subset of couples that have solid relationships, excellent communication and a high degree of respect and compassion for each other for which nonmonogamy can add some extra fun and excitement and not cause problems. 

But getting down with other people is never the fix for couples having problems and whatever problems they are having will be intensified many times over along with a host of additional problems. 

To consider her having sex with other people as a solution for extreme jealousy, controlling behavior, past infidelity and declining sexual interest in you is nothing less than insanity and self destruction. 

Why not just pour gas on yourself and set yourself on fire. That would would be less painful and self destructive than what you are suggesting.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> Thanks although doubt it..


Don’t be so quick to ignore and brush that off. 

@ABHale is correct. Often times cheaters themselves are the most suspicious, jealous and controlling people out there. 

They themselves have roaming eyes and cheating hearts and are open to whatever opportunities may arise and so they think everyone feels the same way. 

Irrational suspicion/jealousy with no probable cause is a sign of a cheating heart and of an opportunist.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Don’t be so quick to ignore and brush that off.
> 
> @ABHale is correct. Often times cheaters themselves are the most suspicious, jealous and controlling people out there.
> 
> ...


Will definitely consider that but I dont see her NOT enjoying sex when we do it. It's just less frequent.
She's also first to call out "sluts" etc in the street..


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

@AC2021 It seems to me like you have given up on the idea of turning your wife into a "hotwife" as a solution to this problem, correct? If not I really hope you do drop the idea. It will not help. Your relationship is no where near strong enough at the moment to survive that attempt. However, the fact that you have even considered this is a sign of your extreme desperation in my opinion.

The way you describe your wife's jealousy, to the point of dreaming about a man turning gay and hitting on you, it is to the extreme and I would be surprised if she can fix it without professional help.

Have you tried calmy talking to her about what exactly makes her jealous and how she makes you feel with the accusations? You can't try to minimize or belittle her fears. Just like your feelings are yours and very real to you, her feelings and fears are very real to her. Also, you can't get defensive when she accuses you of something you didn't do. It will just feed into her jealousy. You need to calmy try to resolve the problem. Again, she seems to go off the deep end pretty quickly, but we don't know how you actually approach the situation. She could be mirroring your defensiveness and it just snowballs.

Does she have any past history of abandonment? That is a common source of irrational jealousy. Having kids may have brought out some past concerns of being abandoned. Now she could be worrying about her and the kids being abandoned.

Her jealousy includes extreme anger, unfounded and outlandish accusations and is repetitive. These are signs that her jealousy is abusive and it is putting the marriage at risk. Which ironically she may be causing the very thing she fears, losing her husband. I've said it several times now. I think this requires professional help to get to the root of the problem. Also never forget that you cannot change her. She has to be the one that makes the change. This requires you to somehow get her to recognize clearly enough that she has a problem that requires some help. That could be tough. I suggest you try bringing this up when she is not in the middle of a jealous episode.

As far as the possibility that her jealousy is a way of dealing with her own guilt of infidelity, I wouldn't put too much weight on that at this point. You shouldn't completely write off the idea, but unless you have some other evidence or even a gut feeling about infidelity I don't think I would go down that path at this time.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Either than your wife's abusive behaviour, in terms of jealousy and seemingly lack of trust may I suggest transparency?
> 
> My partner has access to my email, phone, computer, work, etc etc.


Transparency ends up with her seeing some unprovoked smiley face from female associate/contractor (who have to be exceedingly friendly to keep business) or some stupid meme from one of my buddies which would make her prompt investigation if I watch porn etc..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

AC2021 said:


> Transparency ends up with her seeing some unprovoked smiley face from female associate/contractor (who have to be exceedingly friendly to keep business) or some stupid meme from one of my buddies which would make her prompt investigation if I watch porn etc..


Sure but then you can work with her through her jealous reactions compared to having no transparency and her having mind movies.

You can be firm at that point and stand your ground. Let her know your boundaries with other women and why they are acceptable to you and if she doesn't find that acceptable she's free to go. In the past my partner pushed as far as she could get with this but there comes a line where I go, no - now you are being unreasonable, and I'm not going to tolerate that.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Don’t be so quick to ignore and brush that off.
> 
> @ABHale is correct. Often times cheaters themselves are the most suspicious, jealous and controlling people out there.
> 
> ...


I agree. The jealousy OP is dealing with has a stench of projection. With her being attractive and going to work looking all sexy, including wearing heals, she is most definitely aware of the power of her looks and sexuality that she is projecting. 

It could be that she’s involved in a LTR affair. During most of the month, she is able to be loyal to her boyfriend but when she’s ovulating, she’s able to tolerate having sex with OP. That’s just pure speculation of course. 

That you think you’re able to let her have sex with some other man, tells me you don’t really love her. Sure you have some feeling of love but she’s not your treasured wife and your wife has picked up on that. If she’s not having an affair, I suspect she’s not feeling the love from you and has mostly withdrawn sexually. 

From details you have provided, I lean towards there is another man. If it is an OM, it will not be just some hook up; it will be a years long LTR. Dig deep.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AC2021 said:


> That's true but she would say that colleagues XYZ are not attractive and she's got no inappropriate interaction. But you're right she needs help to see that hypocrisy


SO if YOU are expected to accept this from her, why won't she accept it from YOU: " I have no inappropriate interaction with the women at work -- they are co-workers, nothing more".


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> SO if YOU are expected to accept this from her, why won't she accept it from YOU: " I have no inappropriate interaction with the women at work -- they are co-workers, nothing more".


Because I do work with more younger people (50/50 split) and those young women are obviously all over me all the time.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I agree. The jealousy OP is dealing with has a stench of projection. With her being attractive and going to work looking all sexy, including wearing heals, she is most definitely aware of the power of her looks and sexuality that she is projecting.
> 
> It could be that she’s involved in a LTR affair. During most of the month, she is able to be loyal to her boyfriend but when she’s ovulating, she’s able to tolerate having sex with OP. That’s just pure speculation of course.
> 
> ...


This is disturbing.. I mean I would never expect her to be cautious, organized and callous enough to run an affair for a long time like that. I mean I would have noticed something surely.

In terms of love and possession I just feel that making your other half happy while and having 10 years together under the belt, kids and plans together, may be worth that little pinch of jealousy on my part although I don't feel strongly about this idea now.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

RandomDude said:


> Sure but then you can work with her through her jealous reactions compared to having no transparency and her having mind movies.
> 
> You can be firm at that point and stand your ground. Let her know your boundaries with other women and why they are acceptable to you and if she doesn't find that acceptable she's free to go. In the past my partner pushed as far as she could get with this but there comes a line where I go, no - now you are being unreasonable, and I'm not going to tolerate that.


Thank you for that advice. Sounds reasonable.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

jsmart said:


> With her being attractive and going to work looking all sexy, including wearing heals, she is most definitely aware of the pow


She's ALWAYS wearing heels 90% of the time, ever since I met her.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> @AC2021 It seems to me like you have given up on the idea of turning your wife into a "hotwife" as a solution to this problem, correct? If not I really hope you do drop the idea. It will not help. Your relationship is no where near strong enough at the moment to survive that attempt. However, the fact that you have even considered this is a sign of your extreme desperation in my opinion.
> 
> The way you describe your wife's jealousy, to the point of dreaming about a man turning gay and hitting on you, it is to the extreme and I would be surprised if she can fix it without professional help.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

AC2021 said:


> This is disturbing.. I mean I would never expect her to be cautious, organized and callous enough to run an affair for a long time like that. I mean I would have noticed something surely.
> 
> In terms of love and possession I just feel that making your other half happy while and having 10 years together under the belt, kids and plans together, may be worth that little pinch of jealousy on my part although I don't feel strongly about this idea now.


A pinch of jealousy? I’ve been with my wife for almost 35 years, almost 32 married and we have 4 kids together. There’s no way that I would ever think of letting another man have her . Like Gollum from Lord of the rings says, “She’s my precious “. Your wife wants to be treasured. If you were thinking so hard about sharing your wife that you signed up into a forum to get feedback, then you probably give your wife the vibe that he just doesn’t live me. It would be something she just feels in her gut. That could trigger jealousy. 

But, I still get the feeling that you may be dealing with projection. I’ve read many threads of BHs and from WWs that were in multi year affairs. The husband only found out because the OBS exposed, or the husband finally stopped ignoring the red flags and dig some digging. Just like your wife, these WWs always trashed talk other women who were unfaithful.

I hope I’m wrong but you should do your due diligence to rule that out. No accusations, just a little detective work on her phone, laptop,tablet. Watch for apps that help to hide communication. Also games that allow communication. If possible, get the work laptop. The highest chance is for it to be a coworker or client/customer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> Thanks although doubt it..


All doubt that their spouse could ever cheat. That is until they are caught doing just that. Even then they have a hard time believing what is right in front of them.

I would straight up ask if the reason she keeps accusing you of cheating is because she is. I would like to know how she reacts to that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> Will definitely consider that but I dont see her NOT enjoying sex when we do it. It's just less frequent.
> She's also first to call out "sluts" etc in the street..


Another red flag. Pot calling the kettle black.

Your wife is hiding something. When you find out what it is, you will have your answer.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> This is disturbing.. I mean I would never expect her to be cautious, organized and callous enough to run an affair for a long time like that. I mean I would have noticed something surely.
> 
> In terms of love and possession I just feel that making your other half happy while and having 10 years together under the belt, kids and plans together, may be worth that little pinch of jealousy on my part although I don't feel strongly about this idea now.


Read some of the just found out threads. Most of the husbands had no clue until it fell into their lap. 

Some only found out when the other betrayed spouse contacted them. There marriages were great. They didn’t have a wife accusing them of cheating all the time.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Will definitely consider that but I dont see her NOT enjoying sex when we do it. It's just less frequent.
> She's also first to call out "sluts" etc in the street..


To me this would signal that she's experiencing shame, not necessarily re cheating, but sexual shame for some reason. 

Q: If she met herself in the street, would she 'call out' someone who, intentionally or not, dresses for attention like she does?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> To me this would signal that she's experiencing shame, not necessarily re cheating, but sexual shame for some reason.
> 
> Q: If she met herself in the street, would she 'call out' someone who, intentionally or not, dresses for attention like she does?


She dresses in an elegant manner. Heels etc but never slutty.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How are things going?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

ABHale said:


> How are things going?


We had a talk, she blames stress at work etc. Otherwise reassured me about her feelings. I touched up jealousy but it's almost part of the same stress that causes her to question herself with regard to sex drive. Had some laugh and wild sex afterwards. 

Will see until the next episode I guess.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> We had a talk, she blames stress at work etc. Otherwise reassured me about her feelings. I touched up jealousy but it's almost part of the same stress that causes her to question herself with regard to sex drive. Had some laugh and wild sex afterwards.
> 
> Will see until the next episode I guess.


Sounds very hopeful


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

AC2021 said:


> When I do I make her cum at least 2-3 times every time...


If that's what she's indicating to you, that for your entire relationship every time you've had sex she cums 2-3 times, then she sounds like she goes to great lengths to try and stroke your ego. Which is what a lot of women do when they're younger. But as they get older that people pleaser facade often starts to chip. 

If you can't even handle a little jealous rage then good luck. That's probably just the tip of the iceberg.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> Thank you for your kind response. Best way to tackle it?


Nothing can replace communication...maybe go for lunch at a park or something, and say you'd like to talk. I don't imagine she's comfortable acting the way she does, that kind of rage has to be taking a toll on her mentally and emotionally. But know that change takes time. Even if she recognizes it and starts to make changes, she may get triggered a lot. I dated a similarly jealous guy before my husband and eventually we had to break up, because it was just too much for me. I hope it doesn't come down to that for you.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jsmart said:


> A pinch of jealousy? I’ve been with my wife for almost 35 years, almost 32 married and we have 4 kids together. There’s no way that I would ever think of letting another man have her . Like Gollum from Lord of the rings says, “She’s my precious “. Your wife wants to be treasured. If you were thinking so hard about sharing your wife that you signed up into a forum to get feedback, then you probably give your wife the vibe that he just doesn’t live me. It would be something she just feels in her gut. That could trigger jealousy.
> 
> But, I still get the feeling that you may be dealing with projection. I’ve read many threads of BHs and from WWs that were in multi year affairs. The husband only found out because the OBS exposed, or the husband finally stopped ignoring the red flags and dig some digging. Just like your wife, these WWs always trashed talk other women who were unfaithful.
> 
> I hope I’m wrong but you should do your due diligence to rule that out. No accusations, just a little detective work on her phone, laptop,tablet. Watch for apps that help to hide communication. Also games that allow communication. If possible, get the work laptop. The highest chance is for it to be a coworker or client/customer.


Same for my wife. 

Random Guy:
Id like to get a piece of that chick.

Random guys buddy:
Dude! Her hubby will bleed you like a pig at the slaughter house.


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## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> She used to be a very sexual creature and to bring that back,


"It's not a reward. It's an eye opener."

I hope you realize yes you may bring that back, but it could be with another or other man. She might see that they actually brought that "sexual creature" as you refer to her and you had nothing to do with it.
I personally don't think you have thought this through. How do you think, you not caring enough about her to give her permission to have sex with other men going to have any thing to do about her jealously about you? She will probably think no matter what you say that you only want her to do this so you can mess around as well. She may go on and try this and fall for someone as good or better looking than you and make as much or more than you, then where would you be then.
I just think that there can be a lot more bad that would come out of this than any good that you think this plan would produce. I personally think your marriage will never be the same if you suggest this to your wife, no matter what her answer to it would be. Best of luck!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Did you talk about the possibility that she might be cheating?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

ABHale said:


> Did you talk about the possibility that she might be cheating?


He refuses to entertain that possibility. Yes really....


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Some of his last few replies look like he is starting to see why that angle has been suggested. Love isn’t jealous. Love doesn’t continuously accuse. She is possessive of OP, he is mine don’t touch, look or talk with him.

She also knows how to make OP think all is well, she put him right into a sex coma after the talk.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this..
> 
> We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.
> 
> ...


Ok I'm not buying what you're selling, my dude. As a wife, your post has alarm bells screaming at me. Your wife has to have a reason for the jealousy and insecurity and instead of trying to figure out what's going on with her and provide reassurance, you jump straight to essentially farming her out to other men? Am I understanding that correctly?


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Baby Fark McGee-Zax said:


> Ok I'm not buying what you're selling, my dude. As a wife, your post has alarm bells screaming at me. Your wife has to have a reason for the jealousy and insecurity and instead of trying to figure out what's going on with her and provide reassurance, you jump straight to essentially farming her out to other men? Am I understanding that correctly?


You've clearly not read everything and jumping to conclusions. There are ZERO reasons for jealously and her jealously is pathologic unfortunately.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Did you talk about the possibility that she might be cheating?


I did mention that which she ridiculed and said that she can barely handle things as it is in our relationship and to suggest she would have an affair and find time and energy for it would be insane. Basically.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> He refuses to entertain that possibility. Yes really....


I did actually but didnt find any signs or suggestions as in evidence and she denied it.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> You've clearly not read everything and jumping to conclusions. There are ZERO reasons for jealously and her jealously is pathologic unfortunately.





AC2021 said:


> You've clearly not read everything and jumping to conclusions. There are ZERO reasons for jealously and her jealously is pathologic unfortunately.


I read your post, and I can't believe you are so obtuse, so the only other option is we're not getting the full story from you. Besides, she has insecurities and your grand idea is to pimp her out. No. Just no.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> I did mention that which she ridiculed and said that she can barely handle things as it is in our relationship and to suggest she would have an affair and find time and energy for it would be insane. Basically.


Did she look you in the eye and say “No, I am not having an affair.“? Or did she sidestep the question like you just described?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> I did actually but didnt find any signs or suggestions as in evidence and she denied it.


Of course a cheater would deny it, why do people ask them? You just search, monitor and observe.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

Baby Fark McGee-Zax said:


> I read your post, and I can't believe you are so obtuse, so the only other option is we're not getting the full story from you. Besides, she has insecurities and your grand idea is to pimp her out. No. Just no.


Fair enough. Honestly midway through I abandoned the idea.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Did she look you in the eye and say “No, I am not having an affair.“? Or did she sidestep the question like you just described?


She didn't look me in the eye but rather had emotional outburst with tears etc which seemed to confirm that it's her internal struggle, anxiety etc are responsible rather than an affair.. I dunno. At least thats my impression.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> This is disturbing.. I mean I would never expect her to be cautious, organized and callous enough to run an affair for a long time like that. I mean I would have noticed something surely.
> 
> In terms of love and possession I just feel that making your other half happy while and having 10 years together under the belt, kids and plans together, may be worth that little pinch of jealousy on my part although I don't feel strongly about this idea now.


Nobody wants to believe the person they love is a monster. That's human nature. And rarely will a cheater admit to stepping out if politely asked. I think it best to objectively rule out her having an affair with solid proof first and foremost because that is the most likely reason for her behavior. Hiding a voice activated recorder under the driver's seat of her car will give you an answer pretty quickly because most cheaters call their AP while driving, especially to and from work. Also check her Google location history. For the time being, don't say anything to her about her behavior and your suspicions so she gets comfortable again, thinking she has cast off any doubt you have. If she is cheating you probably won't find anything as she will have scrubbed away any evidence the moment you asked her if there is someone else. I tend to take what people say here with a grain of salt because we only get one side of the story, but the more I read your post the more I think you are being pretty truthful about the situation. I still stand by my opinion that trying to hotwife her is a pretty hare brained idea for soooo many reasons, with the #1 reason being that hotwifing requires a healthy, loving relationship built on a very strong foundation full of trust. You do not have that. Before you start looking for solutions, you have to find out the root of the problem, such as maybe she has borderline personality disorder or is having an affair. Let's say she isn't cheating but rather she has borderline. Borderlines have an irrational fear of abandonment so bringing up something like hotwifing will set off a nuclear explosion of fear, panic, rage, and being convinced she isn't good enough for you. I hope you first rule out an affair by more than just taking her at face value because she seems like she is projecting her own guilt onto you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

AC2021 said:


> She didn't look me in the eye but rather had emotional outburst with tears etc which seemed to confirm that it's her internal struggle, anxiety etc are responsible rather than an affair.. I dunno. At least thats my impression.


Sorry but, she never said she didn’t have or isn’t having an affair.

Turn on the emotional outburst and tears.

How could you accuse me of cheating? She has been accusing you this entire time.

Here I will prove I am not cheating. She ****s your brains out.

My vote is she is cheating.


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## AC2021 (Aug 9, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Sorry but, she never said she didn’t have or isn’t having an affair.
> 
> Turn on the emotional outburst and tears.
> 
> ...


Damn.. Will consider it. Thanks for your advice.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

AC2021 said:


> I did mention that which she ridiculed and said that she can barely handle things as it is in our relationship and to suggest she would have an affair and find time and energy for it would be insane. Basically.


Red flag.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Baby Fark McGee-Zax said:


> Nobody wants to believe the person they love is a monster. That's human nature. And rarely will a cheater admit to stepping out if politely asked. I think it best to objectively rule out her having an affair with solid proof first and foremost because that is the most likely reason for her behavior. Hiding a voice activated recorder under the driver's seat of her car will give you an answer pretty quickly because most cheaters call their AP while driving, especially to and from work. Also check her Google location history. For the time being, don't say anything to her about her behavior and your suspicions so she gets comfortable again, thinking she has cast off any doubt you have. If she is cheating you probably won't find anything as she will have scrubbed away any evidence the moment you asked her if there is someone else. I tend to take what people say here with a grain of salt because we only get one side of the story, but the more I read your post the more I think you are being pretty truthful about the situation. I still stand by my opinion that trying to hotwife her is a pretty hare brained idea for soooo many reasons, with the #*1 reason being that hotwifing requires a healthy, loving relationship built on a very strong foundation full of trust*. You do not have that. Before you start looking for solutions, you have to find out the root of the problem, such as maybe she has borderline personality disorder or is having an affair. Let's say she isn't cheating but rather she has borderline. Borderlines have an irrational fear of abandonment so bringing up something like hotwifing will set off a nuclear explosion of fear, panic, rage, and being convinced she isn't good enough for you. I hope you first rule out an affair by more than just taking her at face value because she seems like she is projecting her own guilt onto you.


Not trying to be a jerk, but it blows my mind that I hear this (you’re not the only one tgAt has said it) about hot-wifing. It’s almost like saying “your relationship Must be really good For you to encourage your own wife to go after other men”. It’s the craziest thing. I cannot get my head around a man that truly loves his wife, wanting her to be with other men. 
why marry a woman at all if you want her to date other men and have sex with them? 
Sorry, I just don’t get it.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Not trying to be a jerk, but it blows my mind that I hear this (you’re not the only one tgAt has said it) about hot-wifing. It’s almost like saying “your relationship Must be really good For you to encourage your own wife to go after other men”. It’s the craziest thing. I cannot get my head around a man that truly loves his wife, wanting her to be with other men.
> why marry a woman at all if you want her to date other men and have sex with them?
> Sorry, I just don’t get it.


It's literally been proven in scientific studies that bad relationships do NOT benefit by opening it up to other people. Besides, how many horrible relationships do you know of that became happy and healthy as a result of opening it up? This isn't a matter of personal opinion, btw. I was ENM before I decided that my husband, who is mono, was the one for me, so I also have personal experience in what it requires and all that.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Damn.. Will consider it. Thanks for your advice.


One of the biggest indicators of deception is a refusal to answer a question, especially a question that only requires a yes or no answer. If you ask "are you cheating?" be very wary of anything other than a resounding "no" all by itself. If she refuses to say that simple little word, or if she says it and it's accompanied by many exclamations like "I can't believe you'd ask me that" you just may have a liar on your hands. Look for figeting, especially foot tapping or tightening of the jaw, within 5 seconds of the question being asked. These are just very basic things to look for. Never take the verbal and non-verbal indicators as gospel, always verify, but these simple tells can let you know if further investigation is warranted. I really hope you get to the bottom of everything.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Baby Fark McGee-Zax said:


> One of the biggest indicators of deception is a refusal to answer a question, especially a question that only requires a yes or no answer. If you ask "are you cheating?" be very wary of anything other than a resounding "no" all by itself. If she refuses to say that simple little word, or if she says it and it's accompanied by many exclamations like "I can't believe you'd ask me that" you just may have a liar on your hands. Look for figeting, especially foot tapping or tightening of the jaw, within 5 seconds of the question being asked. These are just very basic things to look for. Never take the verbal and non-verbal indicators as gospel, always verify, but these simple tells can let you know if further investigation is warranted. I really hope you get to the bottom of everything.


Or refusal to make eye contact.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Or refusal to make eye contact.


Surprisingly, that's becoming a less accepted indicator because many other things can cause this such as being on the spectrum, having PTSD, or having low self esteem. I have PTSD from my time in the military and eye contact makes me very anxious regardless of the circumstances.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

How are things AC?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes having a PHD doesn't mean you have one iota of common sense, as in your case. What a totally rediculous and completely mad idea.
> Why not just admit that you are turned on by the thought of her being with another man? Don't ever suggest it though if you want to keep your marriage intact.


i remember some research statistics that people with advanced degrees are more likely to be in a hotwife/cuckold situation. something about the level of intelligence and that kinky urge.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> i remember some research statistics that people with advanced degrees are more likely to be in a hotwife/cuckold situation. something about the level of intelligence and that kinky urge.


Just proves that advanced degrees don't mean you have intelligence -- just money to pay for the degrees!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Talker67 said:


> i remember some research statistics that people with advanced degrees are more likely to be in a hotwife/cuckold situation. something about the level of intelligence and that kinky urge.


Well, I guess I have one more reason to consider sending my kids to trade school instead of college... And since surplus college fund = increased boat fund...


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## Noneofyourdamnbizz (Sep 16, 2021)

AC2021 said:


> Dear All, I wonder if you could share you opinion on this..
> 
> We're happily married couple in early 40s with couple of grade school kids, nanny etc, both educated past doctorate degrees and with busy careers in one of the biggest cities in the US. I am reasonably handsome, tall and fit guy with more muscle than fat and she a petite brunette vixen who didn't change much after kids in terms of her appearance or style (elegant, dictated by her job) but her sex drive is nothing compared to before. We used to **** like rabbits for 10 years together but with kids and career development this became difficult. I supposed that her confidence in her body suffered too since she looked like a model (super flat tummy and perky breasts etc) until few years ago. She still is a fiery lover in the bedroom who likes using dirty words and be dominated and I love her body, smell and skin and I dont imagine ever being with another woman.
> 
> ...



You are no near every women’s dream.Sorry.
How about you sit your wife down love and speak to her rather than giving her hall pass to jump on someone’s d***?
Mic drop.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

DudeInProgress said:


> Well, I guess I have one more reason to consider sending my kids to trade school instead of college... And since surplus college fund = increased boat fund...


i think it is the intelligence thing. You can be a very smart plumber, and still harbor the hotwife sort of fetish. so where you go to school probably is not the factor. the mental trade off, seeking your own satisfaction by farming her out.


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