# Utter state of despair...



## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

I am so confused by what my wife wants. Little background, 26 months sober(alcohol). Relapsed. 2 nights. Her grandfather owns home and had me removed( broke agreement to not drink). 
Wife wants me in counseling, alcohol help, marriage counseling.
( bear in mind there is a 3 year old involved, been apart for 1 month)

Here where I get lost:
1) will not wear wedding ring
2) will not say if she still loves me or not
3) I have asked for clarification on what is our purpose, divorce or reconciliation. She continues to beat around the bush.
4) Removed/blocked me from her Facebook
5) Wants me to "focus" on myself
6)Goes from breaking down crying on phone to "leave me alone"
7) Tells me one minute she misses me, then next day hates me


If you have any advice, thoughts, questions please chime in. Thanks


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Some extremely tough responses from your family for a slip. Unless thing were very bad before you got sober.

This might be a better question for an AA forum. 

Try e-aa.org/forum


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## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

We argued about petty stuff. We were going through marriage counseling before it happened. I was making a lot of progress before the slip. But there was a strain on the marriage, and with this happening; the ease at which it came to her makes me wonder if she was just waiting for it to happen.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

agree with BeachGuy that you have huge problems with your family around drinking and you may want to find a crowd that specifically addresses that.

that said, you screwed up and they're not sure they can trust you or want to. worst thing you can do is lean on that raw nerve and push for resolution (which i gather you're doing). you've got some heavy lifting to do on your own. start there. give your wife and her family some space. be distant but supportive and not absent. if you're lucky, maybe you'll get another shot. get to work.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

dhiggins79 said:


> I am so confused by what my wife wants. Little background, 26 months sober(alcohol). Relapsed. 2 nights. Her grandfather owns home and had me removed( broke agreement to not drink).
> Wife wants me in counseling, alcohol help, marriage counseling.
> ( bear in mind there is a 3 year old involved, been apart for 1 month)
> 
> ...


Your wife has stood by your marriage while you had your love affair with alcohol.

You promised to stay sober.

You didn't.

She's tired of your empty promises and disrespect for your marriage and does not believe you can change.

You need to work on yourself and forget about asking her whether she is going to D or R.

That will only push her further away, and that's a guarantee.

She needs to come to you. 

It's game over if you keep disrespecting her and pushing her for a decision she does not want to make right now. Might even be game over if you do change.

Time to man up and eat the sh!t sandwich you made for yourself.

Work on being the best you that you can be. It's your only way forward now.


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## dhiggins79 (Aug 31, 2012)

Thanks for the comments. I feel though that this is not the proper forum for me. I thought this was about marriage and its' issues. I come to it to get advice and deal, and I feel alienated because of a problem I had/have. I pretty most people on here have some sort of issue, that led to the issues. It takes two to have a marriage, and 9 x's out of 10 it's both peoples fault the marriage went south.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Great post by spun. She finds it impossible to trust you. She doesn't know whether she can invest more time in you. She is really confused. If you push her for a decision you will get one you don't like. Earning back her trust will take time. Give her as much space as she needs in this time.


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

dhiggins79 said:


> Thanks for the comments. I feel though that this is not the proper forum for me. I thought this was about marriage and its' issues. I come to it to get advice and deal, and I feel alienated because of a problem I had/have. I pretty most people on here have some sort of issue, that led to the issues. It takes two to have a marriage, and 9 x's out of 10 it's both peoples fault the marriage went south.


You are right. It does take 2 to break a marriage. But the problem is, you have no power to change her right now. Anything you do to try, will push her away.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

dude, don't blameshift for your drinking. you might both be contributors to some of the global issues but what you describe is pretty cause and effect.

we could coddle this for you if you really don't want help. from what you've told us, you are your biggest problem at the moment. the upside is that there's a lot more you can do about that than most of us can.

welcome aboard. it's a tough road to hoe.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

dhiggins79 said:


> Thanks for the comments. I feel though that this is not the proper forum for me. I thought this was about marriage and its' issues. I come to it to get advice and deal, and I feel alienated because of a problem I had/have. I pretty most people on here have some sort of issue, that led to the issues. It takes two to have a marriage, and 9 x's out of 10 it's both peoples fault the marriage went south.


You wanted advice on where you wife is coming from and what to do.

Well, that is what you are getting here.

Yes, it takes two to have a marriage. 

Guess what? Your drinking is ruining your relationship, and your drinking is not your wife's problem.

Focus on what you can change to save your marriage. Not what's wrong with your wife because oyu can't change her.

That's the score.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

dhiggins79 said:


> Thanks for the comments. I feel though that this is not the proper forum for me. I thought this was about marriage and its' issues. I come to it to get advice and deal, and I feel alienated because of a problem I had/have. I pretty most people on here have some sort of issue, that led to the issues. It takes two to have a marriage, and 9 x's out of 10 it's both peoples fault the marriage went south.


do you want people to be honest or tell you what you want to hear? Your best bet is to get help and leave her alone. Calling her asking what is the deal and pleading etc will only make things worse for you. She even told you she wants you to focus on yourself. From what you said, this sounds like the marriage has gone south because of your drinking. I'm guessing this isn't the first time it has happened since you had some sort of arrangement about staying there and not drinking.


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