# Is he a leach or is it me?



## needhelp09 (Nov 23, 2009)

I am writing with a weird dilemma. In full disclosure -- I met a man while I was newly separated from my DH of 4 years. We were friends initially, but we instantly realized we had an amazing connection. It really knocked my socks off. We started seeing each other while I was separated, but I soon felt too much guilt. I couldn't do it anymore. I also have a 3 year old child with my DH. I tried to break it off with this OP MANY times. In the beginning, he would freak out -- crying, telling me he would wait for me, that what we had was way too good to believe. I told him I agreed, but that my DH had started going to therapy and was asking me to do the same and that I had to explore that before filing for divorce. OP would back down on and off -- but send me notes saying that he couldn't let go of thought of us together, that he will always be there waiting for me. That he loved every inch of me. (you get the picture). 

Well, part of the reason I decided to cool things down with OP (aside from the guilt) was that he was pretty selfish and needy. Now, granted he was not getting ME the way he should have -- and I fully admitted (and pushed him off because of this) that I couldn't be what he needed at that time. I was dealing with too much. But, he kept pressing me. So, I would fly in to see him on and off. (different city). However, I would always have to pay for my own flight, most of our dinners together, the hotel...you name it. It was starting to get ridiculous. So, I told him that it was bothering me. He revealed that he only makes 60k a year and that he can't afford to spoil me the way he would like. I was thinking...really? But, then there was the time I was broken down on the highway on the way to his house and he didn't come help me....just whined about how we weren't going to get to spend time together. That did it for me. I thought -- no more.

As a theme our relationship, here we are again. I have filed for divorce, but am not officially divorced. He emailed me and we got back into contact again. However, I told him that I didn't want to talk every day ... except via email because I didn't want my phone records to be supeaoned and get me into trouble. So, now he is so adamant that we will work -- he is NOT dating anyone (hasn't for a year of this) and only speaks to me via email. I fidn this extremely sweet -- but also kind of strange. He says he is too in love with me to even look at anyone else. I have told him over and over again, that he needs to live his life and that I don't want to hold him back. He doesn't care. Says he is waiting for me. 

2 weekends ago, we met for lunch. We both drove 45 minutes to meet each other half way. He paid for lunch -- said (after my concerns with him leaching off of me) he will never let me pay again. I thought, well, good -- he at least understands my point. Of course, I won't ever let THAT happen -- but the gesture was kind. 

Now, he wants to come into town and visit me before Thanksgiving. But, in a round about way, he suggested "i" check out flights for him. He wanted me to pay for his flight into town and (I believe) his hotel. He may not say -- hey, where's the money, but he kept asking me, "if I fly in _ day, I could stay in a hotel 2 nights, but I wanted to see if that was ok with you?". Kind of like a daughter asking her Mom for money....for the prom. Then, last week, he asked me if I wanted to go to a concert with him early next year. I said, Yes. He said, ok, well I will get the tickets. Just FYI they are 80.00 a piece, are you sure you want to go? I said, oh, do you need the money this moment and he said no, I can get it from you next time we see each other.

It bothers me. I still don't know how I really feel about him. I love him. I missed his friendship when we weren't speaking at all - but I still feel unresolved with my DH. I am just confused and I wonder if I am putting myself into this position with the OP -- just as an escape from my DH. Am I overreacting to his financial issues or am I not taking them seriously enough? I would like to hear your thoughts. 

OP has said that he will move to my city when my divorce is final. He wanted to do this. I just feel confused about this because I am just getting out of one bad relationship -- and I just don't know if I am ready to get married again. That is what OP wants. I really want more kids -- and so does OP. But, is this a healthy scenario? Am I screwing myself up again? 

I just wondered what someone might think -- from the outside. I should say I work full time -- and I have a salary that is greater than OP>


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Well, first of all, I don't think you are ready to jump into another relationship. Although we never can control the timing of things. I think you need to take some time and be happy on your own.

From what you've written, it almost sounds to me like you have established a pattern with the other guy in regards to you paying. You keep offering to pay and then get uncomfortable when he accepts the offer.

If you want to see him and he wants to fly to town and stay at a hotel let him. Don't ask him if he wants you to pay for it. If he asks you to pay, then tell him nicely that sorry, you can't.

I would say, don't rush into another relationship. Give yourself time to heal after the divorce.


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## angryandfrustrated (Sep 12, 2009)

I agree with scarlet. It sounds like you still need some time before you jump into this relationship. If OP is not being considerate of you in these small ways it seems that the problem will just grow. He seems really sweet but he is making you uncomfortable. This is tricky. I know that you dont want to throw away a possible life partner but it isnt the right time. You also dont sound sure that you are done with your marriage.

Do you think that it is possible that your marriage can be saved?


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I don't understand what makes a woman pay for stuff during the affair. My wife spent a ton of OUR money on the other guy and he just kept milking her for more and more. He even made her pay for him to switch cell phone plans everytime I'd catch them.

I haven't mentioned that in any other posts because it seems so trivial now. But the concept baffles me. Isn't it clear that this guy is a freeloader?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

He will never make you pay again but he wants $80 for the ticket the next time he sees you?!

If I were you, I'd completely cut things off with him (agian)...no contact...if your marriage does end in divorce, give yourself time on your own...divorce is an emotional time and it's hard to think clearly about a new relationship.

If after enough time has gone by and you are divorced and still want to pursue him...contact him...but honestly, I would step waaaay back and let him initiate...if he wants to see you he should pay for flights, hotels, dates, etc....don't even offer....in fact, if he brought it up I'd say "sure, it would be nice to see you if you can afford to do that"

The word freeloader did come to mind with me too, sven.


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## needhelp09 (Nov 23, 2009)

See, that's what has pulled me back in. This guy is always there for me emotionally. If I have run into a depressed time in my life - he was always on the phone with me to talk and "be there" for me. He will talk to me forever.....which was not the case with my DH. He was emotionally cold on me -- which left me searching for a "friend". That's why I found OP and the connection quickly followed. Obviously, the timing was bad and left me feeling guilty.

But, I must say lately I have very little to talk to OP about. If I don't have a "problem" than we just end up telling each other how much we miss one another...back and forth ...over and over again. 

We also had an amazing intimate connection. It really left me in awe of our instant ability to let each other in. I think that is why I spent so much time trying to push some of these other things aside. 

The BIG issue for me is that I have expressed to OP that I felt guilty over how our relationship developed and how I felt it was unfair to my DH. Yes, my DH and I had big issues but I don't think it was right for OP to "talk me into" a relationship when I was still essentially married. I'm not a holy roller but I do feel that crossed my ethics line. He said that he hasn't and will never feel guilty about that because he knows that my DH was not good to me. He feels my DH didn't "do the job" and that it's not his (OP) fault if he can. I don't think that's right. 

As emotionally available as OP is -- I feel sometimes he does this to try to creep closer into my life. If I have my DD and we are busy doing things and I forget to email, he will want to know "what's wrong"....he can't quite understand what it is like to have major responsibilties like a child ....his big concern is if he makes it to the gym in the afternoon. So, he starts getting needy -- LIKE A CHILD.

So, if you ask what I am getting out of the relationship? Emotional support. But, not much else except guilt.


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## needhelp09 (Nov 23, 2009)

Ok -- I need your help. I need strength. I need to keep myself from going back to him -- I broke up with him. I told him I wasn't capable of dealing with a relationship right now. But, it really too k some SERIOUS pain to make that happen. I would just like to give you a further example of how selfish he can be....

I mentioned in the previous post that he wanted to come visit me this week before Thanksgiving. I told him that I had to work, worry about my child...no childcare...and I didn't think I was going to be able to spend much time with him. He said well why don't you leave work early? I said I can't depend on that . He said "i will hold out hope that you can"... then I found out that I couldn't get childcare -- so I finally told him -- I just can't make it work....your time frame is too tight and it's right in the middle of my work day -- and childcare will not be available to me after I get off. He said he will just drive ALL THAT WAY to come give me a 10 minute hug. (That was a guilt trip). I told him I'd rather he not do that. He accused me of trying to distance him...as if it was my problems with the RELATIONSHIP that caused me to say I couldn't make it work. Unreal. 

So THEN -- fastforward to Thanksgiving. My little one was VERY sick. I couldn't go to a friends' house for the holiday because of a sick child. So - -no family -- in the middle of a divorce -- very sick child. I emailed OP and told him I was really upset and needed a shoulder to cry on . I told him I needed that hug. He responded with ..well...I have to go to my family's house for dinner -- "sorry I can't be there for you....just IMAGINE me giving you that hug". He then went on to say I could "call him and he would try to step out to speak with me". I was SO mad. I thought -- wow. Here we go again. 

When I finally told him in a letter that he hurt me pretty badly and that I wanted to just have some "alone time" he said that he didn't know HOW I could feel that he had failed me. He said that he is the best boyfriend anyone could imagine. That *I* put up too many roadblocks and that was why he didn't offer to come visit me or even offer to call me. He said he didn't know that he could offer to do that... SERIOUSLY? He said that all of my separation mandates about not being around my little one ..and getting through the divorce first.. made him think that he had not choice but to give me a virtual hug instead. 

Is that possible? He couldn't even OFFER? I know this is all besides the point. I know I need to move on -- but I need to feel angry at him so I don't fall back in the same trap. He always tells me that he is so giving and that it is my fault that *I* pushed him away....so it makes me feel responsible. I just don't know how someone could hear that his girlfriend about to have a nervous breakdown ... and they could feel justified by just saying ... "here's a virtual hug sweetie..feel better". Let me know if you want to call me later. SERIOUSLY? 

Thanks -- I just needed to vent.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

OK, I have to admit that I am a tad confused here, so maybe I'm getting this wrong. Forgive me if I am.

You told him not to come all the way to see you just to give you a 10 minute hug. Then, you contact him (pretty much at the last minute?) and tell him that you want him to come after all? Maybe I got that part wrong......if I didn't get that part wrong, then I can see how that hurt his feelings. I know I'd be mad.

That being said....what is the deal with him always telling you how wonderful he is? I understand having self esteem, but that is kind of odd in my opinion.

There are men out there who love the thrill of the chase. Guys to get a thrill of getting another man's woman. Once they get them, the thrill is gone and so is the relationship. I don't know if this guy is like that or not, just pointing that sort of thing out.

It really looks to me like you have become quite emotionally dependant on this guy. If things are bad, you need him and he's there (except Thanksgiving, I guess). When there is no upset, you two don't really have anything in common?

I think that if he really cares for you, then he'll step back and wait until you get your life in order. If you really have that love for each other, it will still be there when the dust settles.

Sorry, if I misunderstood your circumstances. I hope your child is feeling better.


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## needhelp09 (Nov 23, 2009)

Thank you for your response. You are kind. To be more clear...no I told him not to come out of obligation 3 days before Thanksgiving. He was trying to come and sit around and wait for me -- for basically no time to visit. I didn't want him to waste his time ... and I told him I felt bad -- and didn't want to do that to him. He understood (eventually). The problem is that in the past I have tried to break up with him and he would drive to my house and cry, and plead with me. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He is pushy that way. He just wanted to have what HE wanted. This was another case of that. He knew that it would be impossible for him to come visit when I had to work -- and he wanted to put himself in the same city so I felt obligated. 

Then, the day of Thanksgiving -- I had a meltdown. All I wanted was for him to offer to call me or even stop by and see me - because I had an emotional breakdown. He didn't do that. This is depite that I am grieving the loss of a parent too. 

Instead HIS response was....yes, this is my first holiday without my Great Grandpa and I am really sad. And my brother's dog died. I thought -- ok -- I'm sorry about his loss. But these are not people he was close to...but he is making his problems out to be greater than anyone else.... when I specifically told him I am on the verge of a meltdown.

The other elephant in the room is .... last Thanksgiving my car broke down on the road to go visit his family with my little one. 
I hadn't slept in forever and he responded with TEARS about how his one holiday wish wasn't going to come true. He did not offer to come help me. He just kept calling and complaining that AAA was taking so long. THEN he was mad that I had to go back home because I had to work in the morning.

I quizzed him about this the day after and he said he wouldn't do anything differnt. That the circumstance DID ruin his holiday because he missed being with me... when I said ...you could have helped me...on the road! He said ..you were still an hour away and I would have had to miss dinner. 

So ..I guess I'm still edgy from that situation. Yesterday, was just a painful reminder of being left abandoned...last year was on the side of the road...this year...was just emotionally...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

He sounds pretty emotionally immature. It does sound like it's all about him. I'd be leary.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

needhelp09, in my opinion, this guy is more than just a leech. He is also, obviously, very selfish and immature. I would lose him before spending another penny on this twisted relationship.


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## needhelp09 (Nov 23, 2009)

I need help. I told all of you that I ended my communication with my BF last week. He was silent and did not bother me.
I then wrote him a letter that basically said IT IS OVER. I didn't want him waiting around to hear from me as he had
said in his last email to me. Well, he has responded. He is PLEADING with me. He says that he and I have a connection that he has never felt with another human before...he remembered how in love we were initially when we lived in the same city.
He says I'm pushing him away for a series of misunderstandings that have been caused by our lack of communication because of the divorce and living in separate cities.

I have realized that the issues of money and immaturity ... are not issues that he can make an excuse for....they are not miscommunication. I confronted the issue of the concert ticket and he ignored it...He said....I don't put you down, I don't belittle you..I don't start fights to get my way....so we don't have problems that are unresolvable. 

He is getting to me.... I do love him as I have said here before. I came here for some objective advice. He truly does love me....but, I just don't know if I feel I can get past some of his issues. My heart says I can...but I don't know. 

Here are the real issues. He has a "fall back" of being cheap. Yes, he has tried to change (ie. paying for lunch for a few times and buying me a little gift) but then he "falls back" and tells me about the concert that he wanted to invite me to ..and then telling me the price of the ticket. He clearly wanted me to pay my own way.

The initial concern I had here about him having me pay for his flight to visit...I think THAT was a misunderstanding. He chose to drive (if he visited) and did not ask me to pay for anything. I think that one was my fault. 

However, he has a history with me. He has given a lot of his TIME to me ...and has listened to me complain about my problems and all my family issues. However, he always seems to come up with some drama on his end. And there is something about how he reacts to his issues that makes me want to push him away...he seems so dramatic and weak. Ie. He said he had to have
"surgery" on his face to have a csyt removed. He was VERY dramatic about it. Said he was crying..he was so scared. He wanted someone to be there with him...I thought OF COURSE -- figured it was major surgery.  It turns out it was a CYST removal at the DERMATOLOGIST's office. It was a tiny little incision on his scalp. It was so ridiculous to me...that he was be such a wimp about this....I couldn't help but be annoyed with it. Then, his Grandfather was in the hospital and he took DAYS off of work to be there in the hospital with him. He wasn't very close to him. He CRIED on the phone with me -- SOBBING...saying he just couldn't understand what was happening. I was trying to comfort him and "be there" but I kept thinking GROW UP!!!!!!!!!!!! He said that when people at work asked him about his Grandfather (who initially recovered) that he would fight back tears....

Maybe I am just "tough" but I keep thinking to myself...is this normal? My STBEX-DH was very devoid of emotion and never showed his feelings, so this is REALLY out of the norm for me. I realize my DH was not healty either...but does my BF sound like he is normal in his emotion and drama? 

It's kind of like when I didn't make it to his family's house 2 Thanksgivings ago... I was broke down on the side of the road and 
he was crying that his holiday wish couldn't come true and he was fighting back tears...that I wasn't going to be there with him. Instead of offering to come help me ...stranded on the road ....he whined, instead of coming to help. I talked to him about this very issue last week and he said that "he is sorry that I was hurt ...but he was hurt too"...and that he just wanted to see me.

I mention this again because I feel like it is indicative of his "fall back" behavior. Sure, he probably won't ever make that mistake again -- he will always come help me, I'm sure. But the fact that he acted that way and still SOMEWHAT defends his reaction...makes me think that he doesn't really understand that he is dramatic and immature. 

Bottom line, I love him. I'm scared because I don't want to slip back into this if it truly is unhealthy....so I need an objective opinion... does his pleading and sincere promises of love for me... change the outlook for us?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

- Selfish
- Emotionally manipulative (always exaggerating his issues and minimizing other peoples) and deceptive meaning he implies he wants one thing and then denies it when confronted
- Drama queen - which is scary for a man




needhelp09 said:


> I need help. I told all of you that I ended my communication with my BF last week. He was silent and did not bother me.
> I then wrote him a letter that basically said IT IS OVER. I didn't want him waiting around to hear from me as he had
> said in his last email to me. Well, he has responded. He is PLEADING with me. He says that he and I have a connection that he has never felt with another human before...he remembered how in love we were initially when we lived in the same city.
> He says I'm pushing him away for a series of misunderstandings that have been caused by our lack of communication because of the divorce and living in separate cities.
> ...


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I agree with MEM. This guy is screaming "PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!"

If you think you can live with this, go for it. Don't expect him to change though.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

scarlettblue and mem have summed up what I think as well.

Trust your gut .... it's telling you something's not right and you will regret moving forward with him ... your heart can heal in time but staying with him sounds like a high maintenance nightmare.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

I've got to agree. 
Add to the fact that he is manipulating you every chance he can, and you are setting yourself up for a world of misery with this guy. He can't see anything past how it relates to or affects HIM. Do you really want to deal with that? Remember, you have a small child who he has not been around. Do you REALLY think he is mature, dependable and NOT self centered enough to be in your childs life?


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

you'll have both a small child and a big child to take care of. Is that want you want?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

been there, done that.....run needhelp09!


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