# Ladies, what would you do? (regarding the issue of weight gain)



## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Like you pointed out, no one is going to do a decent job of losing weight for someone else. They have GOT to do it for themselves. So no matter what you do or say or threaten or withhold, it isn't going to matter. She HAS to come to some kind of light bulb moment ON HER OWN in order to do what you think she should do.

The only thing you should be doing is modeling the behaviour you want to see. Do the grocery shopping. Make the meals. Eat reasonable portions. Exercise. Join a gym. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. Believe me, she KNOWS how you feel and she knows how SHE feels. Look up diet info and talk excitedly about it to her and ask her in a NON JUDGMENTAL WAY if she wants to try it with you.

Hubby and I are both around 50. We've been together for about 20 years. He's developed quite the gut over the years and I don't like it much at all. I'm not thin and have struggled with my weight pretty much our whole relationship. I've done probably 20 eating plans/diets/programs whatever you want to call them. But it's only_ this month_ that he has FINALLY, after this long, decided to actually try an eating plan with me. We are FINALLY at the point in our relationship where he's comfortable admitting he could stand to lose the weight. It took a sh1t ton of work for us to get here.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Like you pointed out, no one is going to do a decent job of losing weight for someone else. They have GOT to do it for themselves. So no matter what you do or say or threaten or withhold, it isn't going to matter. She HAS to come to some kind of light bulb moment ON HER OWN in order to do what you think she should do.
> 
> The only thing you should be doing is modeling the behaviour you want to see. Do the grocery shopping. Make the meals. Eat reasonable portions. Exercise. Join a gym. You can't control her, you can only control yourself. Believe me, she KNOWS how you feel and she knows how SHE feels. Look up diet info and talk excitedly about it to her and ask her in a NON JUDGMENTAL WAY if she wants to try it with you.
> 
> Hubby and I are both around 50. We've been together for about 20 years. He's developed quite the gut over the years and I don't like it much at all. I'm not thin and have struggled with my weight pretty much our whole relationship. I've done probably 20 eating plans/diets/programs whatever you want to call them. But it's only_ this month_ that he has FINALLY, after this long, decided to actually try an eating plan with me. We are FINALLY at the point in our relationship where he's comfortable admitting he could stand to lose the weight. It took a sh1t ton of work for us to get here.


Thanks for the reply. I'm curious though, how many times did you ask him to lose the weight? How many times did you guys fight about it? How many times did you explain how important it is to you (if it indeed was) and he subsequently made all sorts of empty promises, letting you down time and time again? Was any of this a factor?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Thanks for the reply. I'm curious though, how many times did you ask him to lose the weight? How many times did you guys fight about it? How many times did you explain how important it is to you (if it indeed was) and he subsequently made all sorts of empty promises, letting you down time and time again? Was any of this a factor?


None of that was a factor. I probably made snide remarks to him when we were in a bad place in our marriage 6-8 years ago, and he probably made them right back, but we certainly never had big fights or anything about it. Neither of us believes that berating the other person for something is going to help them change.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

In order for a woman to be serious about making a life change such as this she has to definitely have an "ah-ha" moment. That ah-ha moment cannot happen if she is constantly put down about her weight. It seems like you are hyper-focused on her changing and making this commitment to exercise. You said yourself that she is making decent nutritional changes..have you tried praising her for that? I find that in order to get my head into my weight routine I have to feel good about myself....I have to feel strong and beautiful. Once I feel strong and beautiful I am driven to become better and stronger. If I were told that my husband was not attracted to me and if he didn't desire me, well, it would diminish my self-esteem, which would make me feel like what is the point in working out?

I personally feel like there are a few things you could do to encourage her. (1) Praise her. Tell her she is beautiful and you are so thankful she's your wife. DO NOT count her workouts, praise her for working out, ect. Accept and praise her as she is. I bet you will begin to see her self-esteem increase and she will want to do better and better to gain your attention. At this point she feels like it is a lost cause. (2) Make plans with her that involve activity. Sign you guys up for a boxing class or a dance class or the Warrior Dash and tell her now you are training because you are going to ROCK IT! (3) Take her out. Tell her to get a nice dress and that you are going to show her off to the world. COmpliment something on her body. Tell her she has sexy legs or a sexy ass. Make her feel like physically she is already sexy. Again, she will want to be sexier. 

You cannot brow beat your wife into changing. All you can do is give positive feedback, enhancing her self-esteem. It's possible she doesn't enjoy "working out" and instead doing something active like yoga or dancing might be the thing that keeps her active. Not everyone enjoys the gym.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Thanks for the reply. I'm curious though, how many times did you ask him to lose the weight? How many times did you guys fight about it? How many times did you explain how important it is to you (if it indeed was) and he subsequently made all sorts of empty promises, letting you down time and time again? Was any of this a factor?


You constantly say she is "letting you down". In her mind she has already failed you. Why should she continue to try if YOU are going to be the one deciding what is "pass" and what is "fail"? I lift weights for ME. If my husband was constantly analyzing my body to see if I'd lost weight I wouldn't like that very much. It's about being active and healthy, not about what my husband thinks my body should look like.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Another thing to consider: I quit smoking a year ago Jan 5 and gained 20-25 lbs. I set this Jan 1 as the goal of getting my weight back under control and am doing so. If my husband had badgered me about it, all it would have done was piss me off. I don't need him to tell me I need to lose weight - I can see what's in the mirror.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> She has made some decent dietary changes, sure, took her half a decade, but she has never, ever made exercise a priority, and has never had anything resembling a routine.


This is the comment that caught my notice. The numbers vary a bit depending on who you ask but in general, diet makes up about 75% of weight loss while exercise is responsible for 25%. If she has in fact made decent dietary changes, then she should be seeing some changes on the scale. If not then there is more to her problems that a lack of exercising. She needs to get a complete medical check up including hormones and liver tests.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would just offer you a divorce.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jld said:


> I would just offer you a divorce.




But he is being honest. Don't you praise that?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, divorce her. It will only get worse at 40. She doesn't care about sex or you.

We've seen this story many times. There is never a happy ending.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> But he is being honest. Don't you praise that?


Why do you think I disapprove?

I think it is great that he is being honest with her. I also think she needs to offer him a divorce. Win/Win.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

I got an idea over lunch. 

Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and gently explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.

I wonder if that will drive home the importance of this. Then hopefully, when she sees me being down so often, it might sink in that "Wow, he really is affected by this pretty severely" because clearly, me just telling her that isn't working. Maybe she needs to physically observe me being upset about it, and often.

Just a thought...


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Not all women are like this, but I personally eat my feelings. If i am feeling crappy, I comfort myself with comfort food and books. So, eating rich and/or sugary things, and then making it worse by sitting around. I was in a sexless marriage, and I definitely helped myself feel less bad about the forced celibacy by cooking/baking and eating.

I split from my super critical, downright mean ex about a year ago, and had my hormonal IUD removed (can be a BIG factor in weight gain/loss). Between the hormones and being happier and more active/eating more whole foods, I have lost about..25+lbs? I was barely zipping up my size 12 jeans, and now I'm having to trade in all my new size 10's for 8's.

So, If she's feeling bad about her weight, bad about the relationship...That might not be motivation to change. Especially if things feel hopeless on her end.

You may be trapping yourself in a vicious cycle. Personally, if I'm not getting any, then i get sad and eat all the things and hibernate. If i'm in a relationship that has less and less sex, then i'm probably going to gain weight. If you can't have sex until she loses weight, and she is gaining because she's feeling unloved because you can't get it up for her...

I understand where you are coming from though. If you are a visual person, and the visual is not what it used to be, then that is going to be really hard. I am in no way shaming you for that. I'm just saying. know your audience. You are going to have to figure out what can motivate her inside the relationship (you shopping and cooking? you planning active dates like hiking or walking in a park?) or if you are going to have to lay out the big guns and be prepared to end the relationship over this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> I got an idea over lunch.
> 
> Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and gently explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.
> 
> ...


Sounds good. Be transparent with her.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> I got an idea over lunch.
> 
> Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and gently explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.
> 
> ...


In marriage counseling my husband and I learned about "bottom line" statements, meaning, "what's your bottom line". Bottom line statements are ultimatums. If you do that you are essentially giving her an ultimatum. No one likes to be given an ultimatum. What if she turned around and said...if you cannot accept me this way then you should leave because I refuse to change? Are you willing to walk away? If you are then go for this strategy. If you truly love her and want her to be more attractive to you you will take it in another direction.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife may be too embarrassed to go to a gym with you if she has gained as much weight as you say.Would getting a treadmill be out of the question,you can rent them by the month and the modern ones have special programs for obese/very overweight people.Or how about just going for a walk every day.Obviously I don't know about your home situation but going walking together may help both of you to communicate.Also if your wife does start to lose weight it will encourage her and maybe she would then go to a gym with you.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

sixty-eight said:


> you may be trapping yourself in a vicious cycle. Personally, if i'm not getting any, then i get sad and eat all the things and hibernate. If i'm in a relationship that has less and less sex, then i'm probably going to gain weight. If you can't have sex until she loses weight, and she is gaining because she's feeling unloved because you can't get it up for her...
> 
> I understand where you are coming from though. If you are a visual person, and the visual is not what it used to be, then that is going to be really hard. I am in no way shaming you for that. I'm just saying. Know your audience. You are going to have to figure out what can motivate her inside the relationship (you shopping and cooking? You planning active dates like hiking or walking in a park?) or if you are going to have to lay out the big guns and be prepared to end the relationship over this.


bingo!


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> In order for a woman to be serious about making a life change such as this she has to definitely have an "ah-ha" moment. That ah-ha moment cannot happen if she is constantly put down about her weight. It seems like you are hyper-focused on her changing and making this commitment to exercise. You said yourself that she is making decent nutritional changes..have you tried praising her for that? I find that in order to get my head into my weight routine I have to feel good about myself....I have to feel strong and beautiful. Once I feel strong and beautiful I am driven to become better and stronger. If I were told that my husband was not attracted to me and if he didn't desire me, well, it would diminish my self-esteem, which would make me feel like what is the point in working out?
> 
> I personally feel like there are a few things you could do to encourage her. (1) Praise her. Tell her she is beautiful and you are so thankful she's your wife. DO NOT count her workouts, praise her for working out, ect. Accept and praise her as she is. I bet you will begin to see her self-esteem increase and she will want to do better and better to gain your attention. At this point she feels like it is a lost cause. (2) Make plans with her that involve activity. Sign you guys up for a boxing class or a dance class or the Warrior Dash and tell her now you are training because you are going to ROCK IT! (3) Take her out. Tell her to get a nice dress and that you are going to show her off to the world. COmpliment something on her body. Tell her she has sexy legs or a sexy ass. Make her feel like physically she is already sexy. Again, she will want to be sexier.
> 
> You cannot brow beat your wife into changing. All you can do is give positive feedback, enhancing her self-esteem. It's possible she doesn't enjoy "working out" and instead doing something active like yoga or dancing might be the thing that keeps her active. Not everyone enjoys the gym.


Sorry I didn't see these replies before I posted my last comment.

Funny you mention this, I should have said something in my OP. I CONSTANTLY am praising her for her eating choices, how pretty she is, how lucky I am to have such a special woman in my life, every compliment in the book. Interesting comment you made, though, you said to NOT praise her for working out? I always do, I always tell her how proud I am for her to have come this far. Compared to years ago, she's leaps and bounds improved, but again, that's ONLY if I am pulling her by the ear to do it. The second I can't be there to make her exercise, she won't do it. Bottom line, her dietary improvements and OCCASIONAL workout has sort of stopped her from gaining excessive weight, but definitely is not LOSING it, and it's been at this state for ~1.5 years now.

Also, yes we do activities like you mentioned, hiking, biking, dancing, walks all the time in our VERY hilly city, we do everything together. Last summer, she joined a health club and was doing a "boot-camp" routine where she was going to rigorous workouts, every other day, and she started SHREDDING pounds. I saw an almost immediate physical difference and could not possibly have praised her more for it. She noticed a huge spike in my general happiness and affection too. Everything was fantastic, I couldn't beleive we finally were seeing light at the end of the tunnel. Just as soon as she started gaining momentum......she quit. She gassed me up with all sorts of promises to join the YMCA, jog 4x a week, all sorts of plans, and has not done a single thing since. That was in the SUMMER, it's now almost spring.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> I got an idea over lunch.
> 
> Clearly, this issue bothers me....a lot. It bothers me all the time, and she can tell I'm bothered by something, but I don't think she's aware that THIS is why I'm acting differently. Not being rude, or unkind to her at all, she just notices I seem more down, or uninterested, or whatever. She always asks "What's wrong?" and it almost upsets me more because I feel like she should be aware, and by her asking what's wrong, it's clearly just not sinking in. She asked me again today, because she noticed I was not being very chipper. Soooo.... What if I sat her down, and *gently* explained to her to this issue is always, and I mean ALWAYS on my mind, always bothering me, always getting under my skin. I have constant reminders of it, on the street, at work, on TV, just all sorts of things that bring it to the forefront of my mind, and it gets me down. I'm only human, so if I have something like this just perpetually bothering me, I'm going to have good days and bad days, and it's not fair for her to always be wondering "What's wrong?", so I'm telling her.
> 
> ...


There is no 'gentle' way of explaining this to her.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you and act accordingly. There really is absolutely NO way you can MAKE her do what YOU want her to do. IT WILL NOT WORK.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

sixty-eight said:


> You may be trapping yourself in a vicious cycle. Personally, if I'm not getting any, then i get sad and eat all the things and hibernate. If i'm in a relationship that has less and less sex, then i'm probably going to gain weight. If you can't have sex until she loses weight, and she is gaining because she's feeling unloved because you can't get it up for her...
> 
> I understand where you are coming from though. If you are a visual person, and the visual is not what it used to be, then that is going to be really hard. I am in no way shaming you for that. I'm just saying. know your audience. You are going to have to figure out what can motivate her inside the relationship (you shopping and cooking? you planning active dates like hiking or walking in a park?) or if you are going to have to lay out the big guns and be prepared to end the relationship over this.


Good points, thank you for that. I've thought about this, and I'm not entirely sure this is the case with her. I feel the opposite, as in, if she sees me being all happy and affectionate with her, she will see no need to lose any weight because I'm "clearly happy". She's not so much of a depressive eater, probably because I've done everything I can to keep junk food out of the house. However, on the other hand, she is easily overwhelmed by normal every day life, she's never got any energy or motivation to do anything, so if I'm bringing a lighter, happier energy into the house, maybe she will be more likely to muster up motivation?

:banghead::slap:

Thank you all for your kind help.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

After about 30 pounds (give or take, depending on where things were originally) and no action to fix the situation, I'd be filing for divorce. Attraction is very important to me, as is a healthy, frequent sex life - and losing attraction would ruin that. Either the filing is a wake-up call (and I would be very helpful and supportive if she's seriously working on the issue), or it leads to the inevitable.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I know it sounds weird to say don't praise her for working about. I'd say to just discuss her wo's with her..."what did you work on today? Did you have a good workout? " ect. Why I say that is that by praising her you are making it a carrot she has to chase. Her workouts are about her and not you. If you make them about you she is then working out to please you and is losing focus on it being HER journey.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

The weight gain is actually NOT about you. Nor is her difficulty in losing it.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

ThisIsAUserName said:


> Good points, thank you for that. I've thought about this, and I'm not entirely sure this is the case with her. I feel the opposite, as in, if she sees me being all happy and affectionate with her, she will see no need to lose any weight because I'm "clearly happy". She's not so much of a depressive eater, probably because I've done everything I can to keep junk food out of the house. However, on the other hand, she is easily overwhelmed by normal every day life, she's never got any energy or motivation to do anything, so if I'm bringing a lighter, happier energy into the house, maybe she will be more likely to muster up motivation?
> 
> :banghead::slap:
> 
> Thank you all for your kind help.


I got it, that can be hard too. If one's partner seems happy enough, even if they say they are dissatisfied, then it is the attitude that is read more than the words.

To help with energy, and motivation,
To have enough energy to get through my day with 2 kids, lots of stuff going on, i have to be careful with my diet. I have to do several small meals instead of 3 large ones, once i'm full, i'm useless.

If i know I'm going to need extra energy, i take a b complex vitamin (you can buy them almost anywhere) lots of fruits and veggies and water etc.

I'm a social exerciser. I won't go for a run by myself, but i love to go with friends, or to a yoga class, or i go with my sister to play volleyball in a big group 2x a month.
If there's no one to talk to I get bored, and i'm done much quicker. I need to be distracted from boring workouts to want to go without making myself.

If you know any women who work out (a coworker, a guy friends wife) then you could hook them up to be work out buddies. or you could encourage her to do a class, or go somewhere else where she could connect with active women.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

OP, I noticed you skipped over my post mentioning how strange it is that dieting hasn't helped your girlfriend lose weight. 

I went back and looked at your old thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=349474.

Did she get tested for EDS? What were the results? 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You didn't say... How much weight are we talking about?


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> I know it sounds weird to say don't praise her for working about. I'd say to just discuss her wo's with her..."what did you work on today? Did you have a good workout? " ect. Why I say that is that by praising her you are making it a carrot she has to chase. Her workouts are about her and not you. If you make them about you she is then working out to please you and is losing focus on it being HER journey.


Yes, I get it that the weight loss is not ABOUT ME, I understand that. However, I can only speak for myself, I can't speak for anyone else, so I'm expressing my own feelings. I'm gaining some new direction from this thread, I owe you ladies one. I'm going to try cranking up the affection and do more things to make her feel better about herself. Things to make her feel like SHE is worth the effort, and that making me happier as a result is simply an added bonus. I don't think anyone can blame me for my frustration and inability to see a clear answer as to what I should do, so navigating through this mess will always be a challenge.

Thank you all for your help. I'm going to really try to do my best at this.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I think it's understandable that you are frustrated. Has she or does she ever express dissatisfaction with her body? If so that might be a good time to just as her flat out..."what is stopping you?". Maybe she is embarrassed. Mays he doesn't realize she has a weight problem (depending on her size ). Maybe she hates to exercise. If you approach it from a direction of helping her accomplish HER goals maybe that could help?


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

Lila said:


> OP, I noticed you skipped over my post mentioning how strange it is that dieting hasn't helped your girlfriend lose weight.
> 
> I went back and looked at your old thread Starting to think my wife is making me depressed - Talk About Marriage.
> 
> ...


Knew that thread was going to come up. Short answer: It's a very long story, but yes, she most likely has EDS, but unsure what type.

Anyway, about the diet, I did make mention about how she has made a good dietary change, but it really hasn't made all the world of difference. It basically seems like she's not quickly GAINING weight anymore, but she's certainly not losing it. She's been on the good diet train for maybe 2 years, and has actually been somewhat vegetarian lately. Like I've said, she's not a slob, she shows some intention to take care of herself, but when it comes to things that take physical effort and time, it's like pulling teeth.

Regarding the question of how much weight, when I met her she was ~125 lbs, and right before the holidays she weighed herself and was proud of herself to be down to the ~185 range. The holidays were filled with poor eating choices all around, very little exercise, lots of stress, and I promise you anything she lost, she has gained back. She's got a body type where if she's IN shape, she is especially attractive, but when OUT of shape, she does not carry it very well. She has always had cellulite too, which is fine, but when you're out of shape with it, it makes things 10x worse.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> I think it's understandable that you are frustrated. Has she or does she ever express dissatisfaction with her body? If so that might be a good time to just as her flat out..."what is stopping you?". Maybe she is embarrassed. Mays he doesn't realize she has a weight problem (depending on her size ). Maybe she hates to exercise. If you approach it from a direction of helping her accomplish HER goals maybe that could help?


Yes she does, and I've tried this about 100x. I just get a slew of excuses.


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## Maximilian (Jan 17, 2017)

Has she been tested for any hormonal issues? My wife is only 27, and she's gained 20 pounds since her hysterectomy, and she can't seem to shed them despite a very active lifestyle. Her dr says it's because the lowered estrogen production slows down a woman's metabolism.


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## ThisIsAUserName (Sep 9, 2016)

Maximilian said:


> Has she been tested for any hormonal issues? My wife is only 27, and she's gained 20 pounds since her hysterectomy, and she can't seem to shed them despite a very active lifestyle. Her dr says it's because the lowered estrogen production slows down a woman's metabolism.


Her health situation is a whole long story in itself. She needs to be tested for a whole smattering of things, this being one of them. In short, she very likely has a connective-tissue disorder called EDS, which affects absolutely every aspect of your body and life. Everyday life is exhausting for her, she gets bruises for no good reason, gets sick very easily, etc.. Before you say "maybe that's why she won't work out!", let me remind of the boot camp she attended for a while, got through that just fine, and I saw a marked increase in her energy levels, and overall contentedness. She CAN work out, she just won't.


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## HD48 (Jan 14, 2017)

Wow, as I've looked through some of the old chat threads, this is a subject it seems mostly brought up by the guys, and quite frequently. It's an issue. I've been there myself. Thankfully, my wife got back into shape, but it took a few years for that to occur. Honestly, it's the way men are created. We're visual creatures. It's that simple. We want to look at our wives and be visually attracted to them. It's not shallow. It just is what it is. 

For example, I don't know many guys who, when they are teenagers or in college who, if they are in reasonable shape, and who may be considered attractive themselves, who would ask someone out who they are not at least visually attracted to them. The initial allure is in the visual realm. A man will give his left testicle for a long-lasting, faithful, committed relationship with a woman, his wife, whom he can say to himself "She's not only beautiful on the inside, but also on the outside". Yes, we all age, and so comes those changes, but we can ALL stay in reasonable shape by the discipline of eating well and exercising when we can. We should do that for our spouses. If her body is mine, and mine is hers, I take that seriously and I want to present an in-shape body to her as far as I am able, and I expect the same. Women have needs, so do men. As men, I think we have to be very familiar with those needs that our wives have and spend every moment ensuring those needs are met. 

If I were not married, and I saw a woman who was dressed nicely, seemed very kind, neat, friendly, etc, but if she was also overweight, although I may enjoy the conversation with her, I would not be drawn to her. I would not have a desire to have a "consummate" relationship with her. I wouldn't even initiate getting to know her better. And those are just the laws of attraction from someone who is not overweight. The laws are different for those who may be, and who they are attracted to. Men need their wives to look good, period. Many women may not like hearing that, but it is a legitimate need. Now, for those men who don't take care of themselves, their bodies, their appearance, their health, then they have no right to expect anything from their wives, but for those who do, I think it should work both ways.

But here's the thing, OP: even though this is a legitimate need, and there are a million men which understand what you're going through, and it sucks, all you can really do is make sure you take care of yourself, and, while doing that, choose to be even more patient with your wife, praise her even when the words may not want to come out of your mouth. Find ways to help build her esteem. Choose not to obsess over it, but rather try to find ways to encourage her, listen to her, let her know you love the essence of who she is. I don't know how that looks for you, and it's going to require some work. Who knows what is at the very root of why your wife has gained so much weight. She is likely in a cycle of depression, and may have some real needs that, once worked on, she may be able to have a totally new outlook. You simply cannot hover over her, give her the stink eye, or come across as resentful, judgmental, or frustrated when you're around her. That won't work. As one other poster proclaimed, yes, she has to do it for herself, not you. Trust me, you don't want that anyway. Be kind to her, meek, supportive, and take care of your own body and do the things you need to do to stay healthy. Perhaps she will be drawn to this space you give her and be motivated herself to make some changes.

Having said all of that, if significant efforts are undertaken, efforts that would be anyone be considered healthy, supportive, non-shaming, patient, kind, even after efforts are taken to find the roots of the weight gain, etc, etc, and there simply is no desire to change, then, brother, if you cannot enjoy the physical aspects of the relationship, if you cannot have a marital bed, then you don't have much of a choice but to move on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Don't you get tired of making this woman's weight - and her complete lack of desire to do anything about it - _*your*_ issue to deal with 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? How does anyone stand doing this day after day for 6 years?

The writing is on the wall.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

As a husband and an ex husband to two women who each had very different struggles with weight and body issues, I can comfortably say that it's often due to things such as depression or general unhappiness with ones self. And that makes it a difficult cycle to get one's self out of.

Losing weight is not easy. Actually, let me rephrase - beginning to lose weight is not easy. As most people know, once you get into a routine, it can become second nature. Most people have the desire to lose weight, yet lack the willpower to do so, and can't get over that hump. I liken it to learning the guitar. How many of us North Americans have picked one up at some point in our lives and thought "gee, I'd love to play this thing, and play it well"? And as most of us figure out quickly, it's unbelievably difficult. We may sign up for lessons, or try to learn at home. A few weeks go by, and we still have no idea what we're doing, so the guitar starts to stay in the corner and collect dust. We give up. Maybe we try it again in a few months, or even a few years. Maybe we eventually learn how to play it, maybe we never do.

It's because the learning curve (the 'hump') is so high, and many people don't give it enough time, or lack the patience, to even GET to it, let alone get over it.

Now imagine someone's telling you, repeatedly, that you HAVE to learn the guitar. Or else. No pressure, though.

My ex wife (on her own accord) picked up that imaginary guitar and learned how to play the first time, until her fingers bled, and that's all she would do in her spare time. She lost almost 60lbs, and she was only 155 to start with.

My current wife has picked up that guitar numerous times over the years, learned how to play a few basic songs, then put it away. Then she picks it back up again and starts from scratch, almost. And so on.

Both of them had the motivation to start, and even make some progress. Only one of them completely followed through (so far).

Some people are better at completing challenges than others. I believe my ex wife wanted to get in shape (not necessarily lose weight) and she set her goals and surpassed them. My current wife was simply tired of being overweight, and the goal was/is not to get fit, or to have fun doing it, but simply to lose weight. There's a difference. My ex wife enjoyed the challenge and saw the goal(s). I don't recall her weighing in every day, it was more about muscle tone and the like. And she ate accordingly. My current wife stands on the scale every day, twice a day. She eats healthy (but struggles with that), but she's not eating for fuel, she's counting calories.

It all comes down to one's outlook on the situation. What do they want to lose weight for? Do they simply want to get healthy and/or fit? Is it fun? Can it be fun? Or is it work? Is it a chore?

My ex wife looked forward to hitting the gym or going for a run. My current wife drags herself to do these things.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'll tell you about my experience and maybe it'll help you with your situation. Or maybe not. I'll just lay it all out there and it'll be long. 

My husband has an issue with my weight. It's been ongoing in our marriage starting probably about 5-6 years into it.1 We're going on 16 years of marriage and we've been together for nearly 20. When we first got married, I just started to very gradually gain weight. I'm sure he knows my weight when we got married; I have no idea but I could probably guess a range. I find it strange that he would know my weight from over 15 years ago. While my weight was never a concern with me, I was certainly self conscious. I just didn't grow up being concerned about working out, counting calories, or what the # on the scale said, etc. I don't ever remember my parents being concerned about any of this either. I wasn't taught healthy eating. We just did what we wanted and I think it was the active life style that kept me from being fat. I was never skinny though & I really didn't have body image issues. 

So once I got out of college & got married, my life became sedentary. This is when the gain started. I remember one day, my husband and I were sitting on our patio and he made a comment about me "not being the same as I was when we married". So when I asked about what he meant (my husband can sometimes be passive aggressive), the issue of my weight was brought to light. I was extremely hurt and defensive. Some time went by and I took no action. I was angry at him. Then one day, on my own, I stepped on the scale and the light bulb went off in my head. I started my journey to lose weight and I certainly did so. It wasn't for him. 

I maintained it for a while. Then it gradually started to creep back. I think it continued because of several factors. Here's where you see the "excuses". I'm an emotional eater. I want to eat when I get bored, angry, happy, depressed, etc. Eating when bored was/is the biggest problem for me. I'd go shopping, but would be sad because I just didn't feel good about myself. So I'm sad from shopping, then I want to eat to make myself feel better. It was comforting. You get the cycle? My hole was getting deeper. I knew it. I think I dealt with depression for a while. I tried to go on meds but stopped because my husband didn't like how they made me "not give a s**t". My sister & father were both diagnosed with cancer at nearly the exact same time. I was worried about them. Heartbroken. My father didn't make it. I watched him go through the end of life stages. The day that he died, I remember sitting on his back porch eating potato chips. I sunk down deeper. It's hard to write this because it triggers a lot. My job, at the time, was stressful. I wanted comfort and I got that (or TRIED to get that) from food. I didn't feel like I could get it anywhere else, which was sad as well. I came to terms that my husband was an alcoholic. I watched him drink day in and day out. I thought to myself "Why should I lose weight for him when he's #1. overweight himself and #2. drunk all of the time?". I was angry at him. He was being a hypocrite. And he was, I felt, destroying the marriage with his drinking. I didn't see that I could be possibly destroying the marriage with my weight. Those are the 2 huge issues with our marriage. It was, for me, the kind of thinking that just doesn't get you anywhere. Why should I do XYZ when he won't do ABC? There's resentment that's built up. He's been a drunk for a lot longer than I've been overweight. 

On New Years Day this year, we welcomed the new year with a huge fight. It starts because he doesn't like how I responded to him and wants to know why I'm angry. I'm angry because of his drinking, AGAIN. So tables are turned and the weight issue was brought up (it had been a few years since it was talked about). I was very hurt but did not get defensive, as I'm aware of the issue. It's his issue, but it's important to him. Who am I to judge what's bothering him? We come to an agreement: I lose weight & he gets control of his drinking. 

Today is my 19th day of my journey. It's a journey, not a sprint. 26 more lbs to go! I've been doing great and am happy with my results so far! So will the weight loss be for him or myself ? It's both. But it's for the MARRIAGE. I'm doing my part to save it. He has to do his part. If either of us fails, the marriage will likely fail. 

A few suggestions for you. 
First off, I think you need to be upfront about how much this is impacting your marriage. She's likely to be hurt but you need to be honest with her about this. 

Be a good example. Cook fresh dinners. Keep processed foods to a minimum. Keep your snacking down to a minimum. If you need a snack, have a piece of fruit or yogurt. Some junk food is fine but again, set a good example, with the portion size. Women usually can not eat and should not eat the same amount of calories that a man can. Men, naturally, have higher metabolisms. Allow her to serve her own food onto her plate so she controls the portion size. 

Be active. I don't like when my husband asks me if I worked out because it feels like he's keeping tabs on me but asking me how my workout was is fine (for whatever reason). We swap gym stories which is fun (people are crazy at the gym and I love a good laugh). 

Support her in getting new workout clothes. New workout clothes also gives a boost. 

How about talking about getting an elliptical machine or bike to put in the basement? Making exercise easily accessible helps. Would she be receptive to a FitBit? 

Praise her for her weight loss! I don't want to be praised for my food choices, but I do like it when he notices that I've lost weight. When she was happy that she was down to 185, you should have said "Great Job! Keep up the good work!". You've acknowledged it and noted that you want it to continue. She'll pick up on that. 

I hope this helps.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

TBW, you were very brave to share your story. Kudos to you!! New Years 2008 I began a weight loss journey, lost 100 pounds, attained my personal training certification and continue my journey today. We all have an athlete inside us, it's just finding what our inner athlete likes to do. Some like to run, some play tennis, I like lifting weights , particularly kettlebells. I'd love to know about your progress as you move along on your journey! If you ever need advice or a friend just let me know!



tropicalbeachiwish said:


> Be active. I don't like when my husband asks me if I worked out because it feels like he's keeping tabs on me but asking me how my workout was is fine (for whatever reason). We swap gym stories which is fun (people are crazy at the gym and I love a good laugh).


I want to reiterate this. I am a curvy girl by nature and my husband enjoys that. After an injury last year I gained about 25 pounds and my husband began to ask when I was going to work out heavy again. That made me more self-conscious. One day I just told him that...I want to talk about my workouts, but I do not want to have to check them off a chart. After that he just started asking what I had worked on at the gym, how the new pre-workout was, ect. That made me work harder because I wanted to go home and brag on myself. 

I want to comment on the post above where you (OP) said that your wife has EDS. DO you realize how difficult it is to work through an injury or a chronic condition such as this? Maybe she stopped doing the boot camp because her body hurt. Have you ever tried researching exercise for EDS patients or hiring a trainer to work with her? If she has never had a routine as you said she may not know the proper exercises to do for her condition. People not knowing the proper exercises or how to do them properly is one of the biggest reason people stop going to the gym. They feel like a fish out of water. Having a routine set by a professional that knows her goals may give her more motivation to work towards an end result.

I would warn you with equating her weight to her value as a person. You say she often will say you "deserve more" than what she is. It sounds like she is dealing with very low self-esteem due to this.


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