# How do I get over resenting my wife for this?



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

My wife and I had our first child a year ago. 

Right around the time we decided to try to get pregnant, my wife also decided she wanted to enter a PhD program in a field that I would say does not have the strongest job prospects. I didn't really think this was a good decision at the time and I said so -- we were just starting out in life financially (I was just starting my career) and we were trying to have a baby as well. Adding on top of that a PhD program that would (1) cost us money (2) take a lot of her time and (3) might not even lead to a good job seemed like a mistake when we were also trying to have a baby.

Well, here we are with her almost two years into the program and a one-year-old, and she really likes the program and feels good about the direction it's taking her, but it's also taxing on our family in terms of her time and our money (although we are getting by and not going into major debt). 

I want to be supportive of my wife moving into a new, hopefully better career, but I'm still feeling angry at the timing of the whole thing, and at her insistence on doing it even though I expressed strong reservations. I feel that she could have waited a few years to do it or picked a more financially feasible way of doing it. I don't feel like I can expect her to quit now, and I want to just let go and support her as much as possible, but this situation has continued to leave a bad taste in my mouth that I can't wash out.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

First of all, the timing will never be right. If she waits, you two may have two or three children, less money and less time.

How much longer does she have to go? How much better are her job prospects? Has the last two years really been as bad as you thought they were going to be?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well it's complicated. The last year was hard but bearable, but she stayed home with the baby and took classes at night. Now she may go back to work, which we could kind of use financially, but then our life will really be hellish and hectic if she continues the classes as well. I am already even looking for a higher-paying job on the hope that maybe she can stay home another year, but something bothers me about the idea of her not having to work and doing this degree at the same time just because it's what she wants, while it's not like I get to just drop my career and go do something I really want. I keep feeling mad at her over it -- why should she get to do what she wants when I don't? Seems almost stupid and childish when I write it out, but I'm hung up on it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

John Lee said:


> My wife and I had our first child a year ago.
> 
> Right around the time we decided to try to get pregnant, my wife also decided she wanted to enter a PhD program in a field that I would say does not have the strongest job prospects. I didn't really think this was a good decision at the time and I said so -- we were just starting out in life financially (I was just starting my career) and we were trying to have a baby as well. Adding on top of that a PhD program that would (1) cost us money (2) take a lot of her time and (3) might not even lead to a good job seemed like a mistake when we were also trying to have a baby.
> 
> ...


Such things are better to negotiate compromises over instead of one person just getting their way.

So for example I put my wife through a masters' program in dance. She quit a good job in the medical field to do it and I was going to grad school at the same time, which required me working two jobs. It was a huge effort but I pulled it off. 

Happily she agreed that when my time came to ask her for a similar sacrifice that she would do so for me. And when that time came, she denied making the agreement, had an affair, squandered the money I was working so hard for while she basically did hobbies and I divorced her. 

I hope that you can negotiate a compromise that works out better.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Such things are better to negotiate compromises over instead of one person just getting their way.
> 
> So for example I put my wife through a masters' program in dance. She quit a good job in the medical field to do it and I was going to grad school at the same time, which required me working two jobs. It was a huge effort but I pulled it off.
> 
> ...


Well you did give me a good laugh my friend, so thanks for that.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

What is it that you want to do that you are not getting to?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JustHer said:


> What is it that you want to do that you are not getting to?


Well, I had my own pursuit that was very important to me that I gradually more or less have given up on to have a decent career that can support a family. I didn't intend for it to work out this way, but the reality of my career has increasingly become apparent to me -- there's just no time for me to do what I want after my profession and my family. 

To be honest the dynamic between me and her goes back further than this PhD thing -- I've had this feeling for a long time like she pressured me into doing something more lucrative with the secret hope that she would be able to just do what she wanted. She says it's not true, and maybe she really believes it isn't, and maybe it really isn't, but I can't shake the feeling that the end game is me working long hours for good money so she can just do her thing.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I get where you are coming from. You two need to sit down and have a good discussion about your life plan. What do each of you want to accomplish individually and together, career wise and family. Do the 1, 5, 10 & 20 year goal plan. Put everything out there, even things like, wanting to finish a PhD, wanting to build your own house, wanting a different career, does mom work or stay home with baby. 

Then start compremising. You need to get on the same page.

The thrid thing is to understand that life does get in the way of plans sometimes. It is unfortunate that your career plans have not gone the way you wished and you probably could handle it better if you didn't feel she was not sympathetic. But you are doing what a husband and father is supposed to do, you are being a man, a provider and hopefully will get some satisfaction in that, especially if you can agree on where to aim your future.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Well you did give me a good laugh my friend, so thanks for that.


You're welcome. I know how you feel. 

One of the things my wife did, while pursuing her hobbies was insist that her doing her hobbies was the same thing as me working because after all, I liked the kind of work I was doing. 

So naturally I needed to be doing half the housework too. And hey, she needed her own car so that she could go to Gold's Gym where there was a membership fee whereas the University gym that was free and only two blocks away was clearly inferior. I came to understand eventually that was because her boyfriend belonged to Gold's Gym.

The way she won all of this was by arguing to exhaustion long into the night, wearing me down to the point of barely being able to function. 

What I have learned from this and experience with other manipulative people is that where it comes to boundaries and conditions of marriage, you set your terms and there is no discussion. They either meet them or goodbye. If there is something you don't feel right about, trust your gut. 

You do the same. Trust your gut.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So what do you think would ease things and let you get back to your own pursuit? Is there any way that this could be done without her giving up her PhD program altogether?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Are you feeling appreciated? Does she acknowledge the sacrifices you are making for her?


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Your feelings are conveying a message.

The resentment tells you feel that you have a bad deal in this setup.

Which may be the case, or maybe not, we can't judge because we see only part of the situation.

Maybe she is more intelligent, more sophisticated than you, and you are afraid she will work in circles you cannot compare with. Maybe you married with another future in mind, where you were 'the man'.

So the 'loss' of that future, that image of marriage, your relation, is very real for your unconscious brain. You maybe greeving about it. 

You may be angry, frustrated on the situation.

Try to find out what is the deeper level, that causes your resentment.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> why should she get to do what she wants when I don't? Seems almost stupid and childish when I write it out, but I'm hung up on it.
> 
> Re: How do I get over resenting my wife for this?


If I understand you correctly you are resentful because you feel your wife manipulated you to work harder and give up what you want to do so that she can get what she wants without much consideration for you. If that is true then that seems like selfishness and inconsideration.


First, is there a way that you can get a third party to help you two with this? You have tried with the two of you and it did not satisfy you so you two are not the answer as far as getting a resolution. Maybe your wife is so enthused with her education and vocation that she has sacrificed a bit of consideration for you. This happens in just about every marriage that I know about. Does not make it right but reality trumps right sometimes.

If through a third party your wife sees that she has offended you she may change a bit and give you more consideration. I think that will help your resentment a bit or a lot.


Now let us assume that your wife really is a selfish manipulator. *Make a plan for yourself.* That plan should include evaluating your wife after she gets the PHD. If she put the PhD ahead of you but now is being more considerate then your resentment should be relived somewhat. You will still have to deal with the situation that she manipulated you and put the PHD ahead of you for a few years. Here is what I have to say about that


Unless you and your wife have no selfish traits at all, you will both be selfish with each other at times. The issue here is how far is she or you going to take your selfishness and where is the breaking point?


Finally, to relieve your resentment *I would suggest that you include in your plan that you get as self reliant emotionally and all the other ways that you can.* In other words you work on you and when you get stronger then you will be a lot better to get over your resentments or at least reduce them significantly


*You working on you is very important.* If she meets your needs more in the future then you will be able to build her up more and your resentments will be much less or gone.
If she takes you to the breaking point you will be strong enough to recover and have a good life in time. *What have you been doing to build yourself up body, mind, and spirit?*

From what you wrote so far I can not see that you should take any drastic actions such as divorce or separation. Marriages that last have to learn to forgive even when you feel that you have really been crapped on. Forgiving is mostly for YOU although you may not feel that at first. There are a lot of sources that are very good at directing you in forgiveness. *Have you taken advantage of those resources?*

Forgiveness does not mean that consequences will always be withheld.* Forgiveness is a great tool to help you get through the realities of life and deal with mankind’s selfishness.* Forgiveness goes past what is right or wrong. *Forgiveness is the anti-biotic for the infection of resentfulness*


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

John Lee said:


> My wife and I had our first child a year ago.
> 
> Right around the time we decided to try to get pregnant, my wife also decided she wanted to enter a PhD program in a field that I would say does not have the strongest job prospects. I didn't really think this was a good decision at the time and I said so -- we were just starting out in life financially (I was just starting my career) and we were trying to have a baby as well. Adding on top of that a PhD program that would (1) cost us money (2) take a lot of her time and (3) might not even lead to a good job seemed like a mistake when we were also trying to have a baby.
> 
> ...


You are right.

She ignored all of your reservations & feelings & enrolled into a Phd program & had a baby.

I can understand why you are resentful but resentment will eat away at your soul & cause you to be very bitter.

Your child deserves a Father who is emotionally healthy & not full of resentment about the timing of his/her birth.

I think you might benefit from some counseling. Good luck.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

There is an excellent thread in the Finance section of TAM that discusses this very issue: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financ...gnificant-other-achieving-his-her-dreams.html


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wiserforit said:


> Such things are better to negotiate compromises over instead of one person just getting their way.
> 
> So for example I put my wife through a masters' program in dance. She quit a good job in the medical field to do it and I was going to grad school at the same time, which required me working two jobs. It was a huge effort but I pulled it off.
> 
> ...


She quit a medical field job to become a dance (teacher)? :scratchhead:


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

JustHer said:


> The thrid thing is to understand that life does get in the way of plans sometimes. It is unfortunate that your career plans have not gone the way you wished and you probably could handle it better if you didn't feel she was not sympathetic. But you are doing what a husband and father is supposed to do, you are being a man, a provider and hopefully will get some satisfaction in that, especially if you can agree on where to aim your future.


You are right about that, and that is the thing that keeps me going. I think you and other people here are right -- I have always felt that I could handle things much better if I felt that there was something on the horizon for me -- for example, knowing that when my wife is done and assuming she has found a good job, I will have the option to take a less demanding job if we can afford it. Unfortunately, I still don't feel like she is seeing my needs and open to a good future for me. For example, I am a musician. I have already recognized that I'm probably not ever going to support my family making music, and that's ok, but I would like to eventually have more time and space to do it on the side. One of the things that would really help this, is having a house with some kind of basement, attic, or other space for regular practicing. I have expressed this desire to my wife, but she is insistent on staying in the city, and yet also insists that we will never be able to afford a house in the city (I actually think eventually we may be able to, but it bothers me nonetheless that she insists on this, as though to say 'you'll never have what you want,' instead of saying 'that's a good dream to have, let's work toward it.' )


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I had a dream for 30 years to buy a new home. Just before we paid off our old home my wife quit her job and drew the minimum retirement amount. I told her I would hire her at my work and that we could then buy a new home; she refused to work. I saved up enough money to put a lot down on a new home but she said that she would not leave the old home because we raised our children there.

She let me talk about my dream for 30 years then killed every solution I brought up. I was not going to let that make me bitter and resentful so I built on an addition and built everything that I wanted; huge office, my own bathroom, my own kitchen, library and carport with an automatic door opener.. I built her own bathroom, patio, office, and a huge master bedroom with all new furniture.

I am as happy as a clam but sometimes she complains because I spend too much time in my office.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Such things are better to negotiate compromises over instead of one person just getting their way.
> 
> So for example I put my wife through a masters' program in dance. She quit a good job in the medical field to do it and I was going to grad school at the same time, which required me working two jobs. It was a huge effort but I pulled it off.
> 
> ...




This would be hilarious if it wasn't so lousy for you. A master's in dance? Didn't even know such degrees were offered; must be at the same school that offers a master's in basket weaving and a PhD in gardening.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

keko said:


> She quit a medical field job to become a dance (teacher)? :scratchhead:





lifeistooshort said:


> This would be hilarious if it wasn't so lousy for you. A master's in dance? Didn't even know such degrees were offered; must be at the same school that offers a master's in basket weaving and a PhD in gardening.


When I met her she had been working for about a year and making very good money. She quit, went back to school and got both undergraduate and then graduate degrees in dance and was not really employable when she got out. 

She could have gone back and worked in the medical field in fact and I tried to show her jobs she was qualified for but by then she was totally into bodybuilding, taking steroids, and being completely unreasonable with me in regards to pulling equal weight in the marriage.


*John Lee* I also had an interest in music, and what it took was me getting divorced. Then I no longer had to support two people, and didn't have the stress of dealing with an uncooperative wife who by the end was having an affair with another man.

Eventually I became lead singer in my own band, played in a lot of venues, cut an album, and then one day heard myself on the radio driving my truck home from work. I had to pull over because I was laughing so hard. I had done quite a bit of performing by then including live radio but for some reason that just really struck me. I've retired from it since, but it was a great deal of fun. 

I think about all those stupid dance concerts I went to and all the support I gave. I don't even like dance. I'd rather watch a bricklayer put up a wall. I threw flowers up on stage for her, even. But do you think I ever got even one guitar pick bought for me? 

People will walk all over you if you let them, and while she was doing all of her selfish recreational pursuits and afterwards there was never money enough for the things I wanted to do. One selfish decision was the justification for another selfish decision. 

Well if you want to know the irony of this one, here it is: She ran off with a bodybuilder who was also taking steroids. He got testicular cancer from the steroids and had to be castrated.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

You are right to be concerned about your marriage. 
Your W is making decisions for her sole benefit. That is exactly the kind of decision-making that ends up working against the marriage per se. 
She is acting as if she isn't married, but conveniently has someone (you) taking care of the big stuff so she can do "whatever" without regard for carrying her weight or for formulating long-term plans

It's a delicate balance in a marriage to make sure one partner's pursuit of his or her dreams does not get in the way of the other's. Marriage requires that all such plans come with a long-term scheme for the marriage, not just the individual. I think your gut is telling you that your marriage lacks that assurance. She's getting hers; but you're getting nothing, and the marriage is suffering too. That's only 1 out of 3, a lousy score for a life choice like a PhD. 

I think your gut is rightly telling you that in a marriage, the partners come up with a plan that, over time, provides for both partners to get what they really want in life as far as possible given the realities of child-rearing and bill-paying. It just doesn't work for one partner to trump the bigger picture. And frankly it's an ominous sign of things to come, given that it shows a kind of nose-thumbing at the notion of family consensus. 

Your passivity on this count has essentially allowed her unchecked autonomy, a dangerous precedent. Expect future surprise announcements from this woman that may spell doom for your marriage. 

But frankly it takes two to tango and your behavior has helped to create this situation as much as hers. Too much self-sacrifice is a big red flag. Stop playing the victim & start playing your music even if it means cutting back on expenses or downsizing. Heck, any woman would tell a woman in the reverse situation: Don't give up on your dreams. You need to hear that too, it seems.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

John Lee said:


> You are right about that, and that is the thing that keeps me going. I think you and other people here are right -- I have always felt that I could handle things much better if I felt that there was something on the horizon for me -- for example, knowing that when my wife is done and assuming she has found a good job, I will have the option to take a less demanding job if we can afford it. Unfortunately, I still don't feel like she is seeing my needs and open to a good future for me. For example, I am a musician. I have already recognized that I'm probably not ever going to support my family making music, and that's ok, but I would like to eventually have more time and space to do it on the side. *One of the things that would really help this, is having a house with some kind of basement, attic, or other space for regular practicing.* I have expressed this desire to my wife, but she is insistent on staying in the city, and yet also insists that we will never be able to afford a house in the city (I actually think eventually we may be able to, but it bothers me nonetheless that she insists on this, as though to say 'you'll never have what you want,' instead of saying 'that's a good dream to have, let's work toward it.' )


Why can't you do that in your current home? Seems to me this is a great time for her to have an opportunity to sacrifice just a bit by giving you a bit of extra space. Take a look at where you live now and figure out where you could carve out a small space for your music practice. Figure out the logistics and then tell her what you are going to do.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

John Lee said:


> Well it's complicated. The last year was hard but bearable, but she stayed home with the baby and took classes at night. Now she may go back to work, which we could kind of use financially, but then our life will really be hellish and hectic if she continues the classes as well. I am already even looking for a higher-paying job on the hope that maybe she can stay home another year, but something bothers me about the idea of her not having to work and doing this degree at the same time just because it's what she wants, while it's not like I get to just drop my career and go do something I really want. I keep feeling mad at her over it -- why should she get to do what she wants when I don't? Seems almost stupid and childish when I write it out, but I'm hung up on it.


No offense, but I think you are being very selfish about this whole thing.  Why would you expect HER to support YOU in your endeavors, when you are being so resentful of her for following what she wants/feels she needs to do? Why are your wants more important? I think you should be supportive, not all people are willing to pursue their desires the way that your wife is, she is to be commended. She is improving herself! WHen she is finished with her schooling and into a job, then its your turn to pursue what you want, and HER turn to be in the supporting role.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

First, John, I would ask how much time do you and your wife spend together, completely alone (no baby) an no distractions? From what I can tell lttle to none. That's a sure fire way, my friend, to building resentment. In essence you are living two separate lives right now. What do you two like to do together? Make this your top priority every single week.

It also sounds to me like you are lacking a little in self-confidence. You "know" your music will never support the family so you are working at what you consider a second rate job to "pay the bills". This is also part of the reason you resent your wife. You don't see the prospects for her in her PhD work so you expect her to make the same kind of sacrifice you are making. Dude, you might never be a "big star" on the radio but if music is your thing there is SO much you CAN do. Session artists and studio bands get regular gigs (i.e. a regular paycheck), you can give music lessons, you can do sound checks and set-ups, solo-gigs at local pubs and clubs, start your own blog or vlog, start your own new/used instrument store (bet you'd be able to jam there!  ) etc etc or even a combination of all of these things. Maybe you can go back to school to study music!  Enlist her help to brainstorm out of the box things that you can get started on with your limited free time. You guys have so many options ahead of you. The world is limitless. 

In the case of her not wanting to move from the city. I believe if you want to persue music and her colleagues are here the city is the place to be. Nobody's going to be knocking down the doors for either career in Ozarks!  And the great thing about both of those careers is that children are far more welcome to come along for the ride. You guys can do this! Good Luck!


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

We are starting to confuse two different stories. The OPs wife is not the one pursuing the PhD in dance. That was Wiserforit's wife.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Waking up to life said:


> We are starting to confuse two different stories. The OPs wife is not the one pursuing the PhD in dance. That was Wiserforit's wife.


Ugh! You're right!  I will amend my post. *makes mental note to read who posts what more carefully*


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So an update to this story: first of all, after some arguments between us, she made some adjustments to her program to at least make it a little more marketable, which I appreciated. 

Second, I came to the conclusion that while this is costing us a good amount of money, the risk is limited since her current job is so secure, so the worst case scenario is having a useless degree and being out a good chunk of money, but still having a stable job. And I insisted on no student loans for the time being -- I'm only doing this if we can adjust our lifestyle so that it doesn't put us in debt.

Third, after a big blowup fight, I finally got her to at least acknowledge that (1) she didn't really make the decision in a fair way to me and our marriage, and (2) she is not the only one here making sacrifices for the degree -- it is our money, and it also requires me to do more around the house and with our child in order for her to study. For example, every weekend I'm taking our kid out for several hours each day so she can study. 

I think this last thing is a big part of it for me, actually -- the acknowledgement. What made me most angry was the feeling that she thought the whole thing was just about her and didn't see that it required sacrifice from me or that it affected our marriage.

So all that is good.

That said, we are in a really tough period right now -- my job is demanding, her job is demanding, our toddler is demanding, and her program is in a very demanding stage. I'm having a hard time coping and she says she feels like I still resent it. But my question is -- how can I not resent it at least a little? How can I feel good that I essentially have no time to do things I enjoy so that she can do this degree, and that we have so much less money because of it? No matter how much I agree to support it and go along with it, I just don't see how I can't have some lingering bad feeling about it some of the time, the same way that a spouse of a person with a job requiring long hours is always going to resent that sometimes, even if the spouse rationally understands that that's what the job requires.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

In other words, I guess I've "come to terms" with the situation inasmuch as I'm not fighting it anymore, and inasmuch as I'm being as cooperative and helpful as I can muster the energy to be. But I don't understand how I'm supposed to not feel a little bit bad about the situation, because it's just not a very good situation for me. I feel in a way like my wife should just suck it up and deal with the fact that I'm not going to love this, as long as I'm not throwing it in her face or being passive aggressive.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

This thread is interesting to me as I would really like to get my Masters qualification in a not particularly lucrative field. I also have young children.

For me, I couldn't justify the added stress, financial and otherwise, on my husband and children for an outcome that may not benefit our family in the long term. I hope to be able to go back to study at some point when my children are older and more independent

As for how to let go of resentment, I'm not sure. Perhaps you could set an expectation that you will also be supported to follow a dream of some kind in a few years.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

One of the things that I realized really gets me angry is when she starts to say "I feel guilty that I'm not spending more time with [toddler]" or "I'm afraid this is affecting [toddler]", and I have to just hold my tongue, because deep down I feel like "Yes, this is affecting our toddler, and yes, you are not spending enough time with her," but if I say that it will turn into me being the one "guilt-tripping" her into postponing or quitting -- she'll leave the program and resent me for it. So I say nothing, even though what I'm really thinking is "What did you expect it to be like, working, having a toddler and going to school at the same time? Didn't you think this through at all?"


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

John, she chose this, too. In fact she insisted upon it.

Our situation is similar, yet different. My illness and my kid's illness dictated that I not work, and I'm planning to return to school to finish a degree next fall. H's business failed and he went back to the work he's known for over 20 years prior. 

We were both resentful at ourselves more than the circumstances. I'm p!ssed at me for old poor decisions, for not treating my PTSD sooner and for not communicating. That came out as "How dare you work out of town/long hours?!" Not a good move. It created distrust and animosity. The solution was a huge dose of acceptance of the financial and emotional damage done, and to learn to be grateful for the sacrifices the other made, as well as to look for the good.

Are you resentful at yourself?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Well yeah, that's what I mean -- she insisted on it. I get angry but say nothing because in my mind I'm thinking "She chose this, she insisted on it, and now she has the nerve to want sympathy from me for all the guilt she feels about it." But then I think maybe that's not very empathetic of me, she must be going through a hard time, she is conflicted etc. 

I don't know if I'm "resentful" at myself -- I'm not sure. I guess I wish I made enough money that this wasn't an issue, but then when I read my old posts in this thread I'm reminded that this started out being about other things too -- I had kind of forgotten about that and it was good to be reminded.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are the husband and the father. Your role is to set up and lead the family. This is a consous act and choices you make based on your values as well as input from everyone in the family.

The way you have set it up is that people get to unilaterally decide what they want to do. This is not the essence of family.

In your family, you have to establish a line of thinking about the family as a unit that the individuals gain strenghth, fulfillment and many other things from.

For example, in your household, it should be a common thought process that the greatest thing parents can provide to their children is a happy stable family with their parents as pillars of strenghth... .So the kids are not worrying about adult things.

So a family, of togetherness, with a Mother bringing many important and unique things to the table and a Father bringing different important and unique things to the table gives your children an incredible advantage in life. The things the mother brings are nurturing, bonding, softness..... The things a father brings are whatever you think you bring to your family. And, a husband and wife that are spending time with each other, having a fun, fulfilling relationship is so very important to the future of these children.

Once you establish the importance of the family unit, then you show and demonstrate that the decisions you make are based on increasing the strenght of that unit. For example, you work to provide for your family and to benefit your family. Your time is alloacated to the benefit of the family. Now this is not to say that you only do things for the family, but the thought process you have is that your money benefits the family so your time going to work is to benefit the family, but if work ever intrudes to the point where your marriage is supporting your work, then you have to make an adjustment. These are things you demonstrate daily and talk about with your wife, in a general way, sparked by things you see on TV or see other families doing.... This way she understands where you are coming from but you are not criticizing her directly.

But eventually or even immediatly you need to get to the point where you can say that "our professional purusits" are supposed to benefit the family, not the other way around. And it seems to me like with you pursing the PHD we are in the "other way around" zone.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Hicks said:


> But eventually or even immediatly you need to get to the point where you can say that "our professional purusits" are supposed to benefit the family, not the other way around. And it seems to me like with you pursing the PHD we are in the "other way around" zone.


You mean my wife pursuing the PhD - was that a typo or a misunderstanding? I'm not pursuing a PhD.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Yes, her persuing the PHD...This is something you could say to her.


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## hopeful2112 (Sep 8, 2013)

Hi (i tried to red all of the above - but just did not have the time right now; also, i'm running off to a meeting and will not be able to write as much as i might like -- but i KNOW if i do NOT post now... i'll forget! So)

--------
I know too well about the stresses of grad school, etc... but from the otherside...

I too persued a career path that was "uncertain" when starting out... but it was my passion... and my wife fully supported that.

We too had a child during grad school (but we both wanted too), and yes, that made life more difficult/complicated for use both, but, we were happy to be parents...

Does she have regrets now about any of that? Perhaps (am in a small pickle right now - HENCE me being on this forum!), however, i know that had she asked me to stop mid stream (for whatever reason) there would be resentment from my side towards her, because i was IN LOVE WITH MY FIELD OF STUDY!!

Now, i KNOW that you expressed concern/reservations earlier on... however, only you know how STRONG of a case you made...

If that case was even a little "weak" (or had flews) it might be tough to put all your current "resentment eggs" in that basket...

also...

you say you both decided to have a child... not sure if that was before or after the starting of the PhD program... but...

and this might sound harsh...

if you were against kids during grad school... hmmm... err... how shall i put this?

did you abstain from intercourse?

it appears as though your "behavior" did not match your "feelings" on this particular situation...

finally...

do you love your child... your one year old?

if so...

give them a hug tonight...

ask your mrs if you can make her a cup of coffee/tea...

and...

look forward to the day when:

- grad school is over
- she has a career that she likes
- you have a chance to pursue something new for yoruself
and
- you child is on your knee... running around the house...

and laughing while the chase the family dog...

in the end...

she started grad school... that ship has sailed...

you have a child... that ship has sailed...

you played a role in both of those...

perhaps not as firm/clear as you could have been re: your concerns about her starting PhD program

and... most certainly in having a baby...

take that HUGE step back (if you can)...

would you NOT wanty that infant that is in the room next to you?

because if she did NOT start grad school when she did...

everything would be different...

perhaps you would have a different child in that room...

yes, you woudl love it... but the one in there now would NOT exsist...




---------
that's about as much as i have...

good luck... we all have things we have to learn to "forgive" about or get over... deal with... looking at the cup half full has what helped me... thoughyes... i KNOW that is easier sqaid then done!


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Let it go and support your wife.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

Just wondering...are there any rental studios where you can go jam, or anything like that? Our county square is actually a great place for musicians to have pickups and jam on weekend afternoons. One of the things that sticks out to me is that you aren't carving out time for yourself in all this.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

TikiKeen said:


> Just wondering...are there any rental studios where you can go jam, or anything like that? Our county square is actually a great place for musicians to have pickups and jam on weekend afternoons. One of the things that sticks out to me is that you aren't carving out time for yourself in all this.


Yes, in fact I have tried to set something up a couple of times, although it's been difficult to find time. Weekends we spend what little time we can together and then she often needs me to take the little one out to the zoo or the park so she can get some work done (assuming I don't also have work, which I do sometimes on weekends). But I guess there's always an excuse, and I could find time.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds to me like you need to do some thinking about which will be more damaging long-term to your marriage. If her staying in the Phd program is truly causing a lot of resentment, conflict, issues with your child, etc, then it may be time to tell her that for the sake of your marriage and family, she needs to take a step back and pursue the rest of her degree later. Her marriage and child need to come first.

If, on the other hand, this is just a minor conflict that you can withstand for a little longer and come out of it with a happy wife, then just try to be as supportive as you can and remind yourself that you are making some temporary sacrifices to bring your wife happiness and she will hopefully return the favor one day.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Thanks all. She is in a very crucial moment in the program right now, so I decided to just endure a few more hellish weeks (it will end at the beginning of December) and not say anything to disrupt her now. At the end of that time we will reassess. She may be able to cut back a little on her schedule next year.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

A hopefully positive update -- my wife realized that she had taken on way too much this semester and decided to postpone a class/paper she needs for her doctorate to next semester. We were both really stretching ourselves to the limit, and I thought it was taking its toll on our daughter too, so I'm glad she came to that conclusion on her own.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I can understand what you are going through. I myself have gone through this and to be honest still am. I have hard time letting the resentment go. I want to...I need to.....but it just is always bubbling under the surface.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

The thing is it was really getting to the point where she was barely seeing our daughter, and it was a little heartbreaking to watch (although our daughter has a lot of people around her who love her, and she mostly was doing ok). And then it was looking like she couldn't even get the work done, even though I was taking our daughter for long outings every saturday and sunday to give her time to work, and we had started sometimes leaving our daughter at my in-laws for a saturday instead of spending time togehter. So I think things went to far and I'm glad she decided to make a change.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So what was the big plan here when you guys got married and then when the kid came along what was the over all picture on were this new family was going?

Hell you folks sound alot more edumicated then a guy that pounds nials for a living...but WTF!!! were was the plan?

Phucking resentment will kill a marraige, so may I suggest that now that your old lady has come to some kind of ephimy...that the both of you come to some kind of boundry that is more focus on the family unit then personal gain?

Sorry my man, I'm a simply guy and can't spell worth a sh1t, but just maybe you folks can figure out a plan and avoid the resentment that will eventually tear this family apart in the not so distant future.

In short, it just might be time to regroup when she is now stepping back, instead fo waiting for her next showdown in acheiving her own goals...which from were I'm sitting hasn't a damn thing to do with the family unit.

Ya I know many folks can do both, but then again your posting on a marriage forum, looking for some strangers $0.02.

Granted she had taken stock in her family....but lets say you keep moving forward with this new mind set of hers before she goes off again?

just saying!

Again the only reason I posted cuz I know 1st hand how resentment can kill a family and a marriage. No matter what this resentment needs to be looked at.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

No plan at all man. This thing started a few years ago, and it was around the same time that she said she wanted to have kids and she suddenly wanted to do this degree too. I was ok with the kids idea -- I wanted to do it sooner or later and we were getting old enough that we didn't want to wait until we were in the "old parents" category. But the degree at the time I was like "WTF are you thinking? How are you going to do this?" She had some really unrealistic ideas about things at the time, for example she apparently got this idea into her head at one point, which she hadn't told me about, that she would take three full years off of working and just focus on the baby and the degree, not realizing that in order for us to afford the degree, she'd have to work. She's not always the most "reasonable" person to be honest, although I truly think she's grown a lot in this way since we had a baby, and now she's much more reasonable about things. I've grown up a lot since then too.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

How about the danger that when she has her degree you will done as her co-provider? Will she move on, because she seems a little self-centric to me?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think I'd pull a mild 180. I think you should set yourself up emotionally, physically, financially and legally for what may come. If it doesn't come, you will be better off for it. You will also be more attractive if you are a bit aloof and have a life of your own. 

It can be very dangerous when she will be making a better living than you can provide. Love and trust will have to be strong. Communications will have to improve. Needs will have to be met.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

John Lee said:


> The thing is it was really getting to the point where she was barely seeing our daughter, and it was a little heartbreaking to watch (although our daughter has a lot of people around her who love her, and she mostly was doing ok). And then it was looking like she couldn't even get the work done, even though I was taking our daughter for long outings every saturday and sunday to give her time to work, and we had started sometimes leaving our daughter at my in-laws for a saturday instead of spending time togehter. So I think things went to far and I'm glad she decided to make a change.


You have to be the catalyst for change. You are not helping your marriage by letting your wife lead it.

You are a parent, a parent must provide a life for a child.... And you are failing at your responsiblity as a father. When pursing the right thing, according to your values system, it rarely works out wrong.


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## KAM1959 (Aug 28, 2013)

If you are always going to wait for the right time you will find that it never comes. Timing is no important, however what is important is the current opportunity. Further, having a child is just as much attitude as it is biological. If you don't have the right mind set then the biology just won't work. 
In addition, for the benefit of the children to come the better educated the parents are the greater the future will be for them. So work with your wife and you will find things will go differently when there is no pressure.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

OP does not care very much, busy with other things.


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