# Needing some help & perspective



## cutiger1903 (Apr 22, 2014)

I'm a combat vet & Reservist, and I returned from a deployment overseas last year. My wife and I had been saving up for an adoption, and that's what my big goal was when I was deployed. I'm about a decade older than her, and she can't conceive.

When I got back stateside, my wife informed me she wanted us to move to my home state and for me to go back to school full time on the G.I. Bill. On our post-deployment vacation, she interviewed for jobs she'd found. I was exhausted, I wanted to give her what she wanted because she sacrificed so much for me. I agreed, not thinking about all the implications (I was exhausted.) She's admitted to me later that she thought she knew better than I did, and that's why she came up with this plan.

We spent a couple months apart, while I came off of active duty. My feelings for her haven't been as strong as I felt before I deployed. Part of it could be emotional numbing, but it may be more. Considering how recently, with all the stresses on our marriage have me feeling, I don't think it's emotional numbing anymore. Her job keeps her busy often, and we're not spending a lot of time together after the move. Before I married her, my evenings were always working out and getting out of the house; now it's just watching TV with her. There's not a social scene or even culture (art galleries, museums, etc.) where we moved.

I know it's petty, but there's just so many things that annoy me to no end now. 

The fact that our adoption fund was burned through moving us here. I see a lot of the peers I've known all my life now, with their kids. Tonight, my kid cousin announced his wife was pregnant. Every time I hear stuff like that, I die a little inside. My wife has to "stay positive" about it, but whenever she brings up our "future kids" it kills me a little inside. There's no plan to make it happen, it's not happening on some magical wish. 

Taking me off Active Duty was a huge cut in our income, and the job market here sucks. The GI Bill puts me in a higher income bracket than at least 30% of the county!

She used to always insist we say "I love you" before hanging up the phone, and would call me back if I forgot. Or before she went to bed. I used to think it was great, now it just annoys me. I sometimes don't even know if I feel that way anymore. I say it just to keep from having to discuss why I didn't say it.

She's gained a lot of weight and I'm not physically attracted to her like when we were dating. When I was deployed, she told me she had started walking to loose weight (might have helped with conceiving.) Came home, and she hadn't followed through. Got a gym membership up here, never used it. The lack of commitment to improving annoys me more than anything. There's always an excuse.

Even though I'm around my family, my support network is less than the base I was at. I'm still working on finding new friends. A mid-30s combat vet doesn't have a lot in common with your average college student or the guy that never left their hometown. All of my male friends left and will never come back. It's just how it is here, if you get educated you get out. 

I'm trying to find things to make me happy here, volunteering, hobbies, going above and beyond with my research projects. But, I'm an adrenaline junkie who's getting bored out of my mind. Self-discipline is about the only thing that's keeping me from tearing through the college girls. Not so much for an actual affair, just to do something exciting.

A couple weeks ago, we had an argument. I was really ticked off, and went on a run to cool off. Came back, and she'd packed a bag to leave. She decided to stay, and we talked things out. Since then, I'm just more ambivalent to her than anything else. She keeps insisting that she's not going to leave now. My marriage was the only thing in my life that didn't have a "Plan B." Now, I'm setting up a "parachute plan" in case I need it.

All I can think about is, I'm middle-aged, I'm no longer attracted to my wife, kids are fading out of the equation. Is my future really going to be lying about "I love you" while watching TV on the couch every evening?

Just hoping someone can understand what I'm feeling.


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## COfan (Oct 4, 2012)

First, let me say, "thank you" for your service to our country.

You didn't mention how long you've been married, but it's possible you two are just in a rut. Maybe you need to go to MC. It can really help with communication, getting _stuff_ out in the open and then being able to work on it with the counselor's guidance. I've been married for 33 yrs, and I can tell you, without a doubt, feelings come and go in a marriage. Working on your issues and working through them together really can bring about changes that enrich your marriage. The "feelings" will follow. Have you thought about having a set "date night"? (Even though you don't feel super attracted to her right now) Try doing things you did when you were dating. Take a dance class together, go for a bike ride and stop for a picnic along the way, take up cooking together, go for a walk every night after dinner and hold hands, enroll in a class together at the local college, plan a weekend getaway or just an overnight, go to a park and fly a kite, read the same book and have your own book club over coffee. I think you get the idea. Bring some fun and togetherness back into your relationship. A marriage takes work..but the payoff is worth it. Hope this gives you some encouragement!


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