# Really... what am I doing? I feel like I'm having an out of body experience.



## Restless

I've pretty much decided that I want to be alone. My husband is a good man. But we've dealt with a ton over the last 9 years. From many miscarriages, to him having cancer, to me being the bread winner (and both of us resenting it), to an international adoption, to him taking over as the mother figure (which really hurts when you have infertility issues), to anger issues (not physical but mental).

Now I am a point where I just don't care to be married. It has proven to be more of a hassle than a positive. I feel uncomfortable around my husband and he feels uncomfortable around me. We have nothing to talk about and, when we do talk, our two primary subjects are our son and our marriage issues.

BUT I feel like I'm watching my life. Like this isn't really happening to me. We were happy for a the first few years. But we've been so overwhelmed with other stuff... I'm not sure if we've been happy for the last 5 years. 

Also, I am a passionate person. He is kind of even. So - emotionally - he hasn't been there for me. In return, I've distanced myself from him.

So... why do I want to end my marriage? Because I think it is an unnecessary commitment. BUT I feel like I am insane for thinking that. Especially as a woman.

Does anyone else just not want to be married anymore? Does that even make sense?

If anyone could please tell me that I am either A) OK to feel like this or B) completely off my rocker, I'd appreciate the external validation.


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## Sandy55

Oh, you are not off your rocker! You are not getting anything positive from your marriage.

You think like me the amount of effort one puts into it must cause some sort of gratification and happiness; otherwise, why be in the relationship.

Clearly logical. Only issue is you have a child....

Do you think you have a lot of resentment going on?


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## Blanca

Restless said:


> Does anyone else just not want to be married anymore? Does that even make sense?


OH ya. especially about six months ago. i was so ready to call it quits. you are definitely not alone on this one. i did not think this is what marriage was going to be. its just problems. i got to a point that i wondered what the point was anymore. 

I think you and your H ought to write out how you want your life. and then come up with small goals that you can accomplish to work towards that. you can work towards who you want to be while in your marriage- that is not what's stopping you. it just takes a lot of work. but you have a child to consider in all this. its worth it to try and give that child a stable home.


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## Restless

Thank you so much for your responses!

I do resent him. I feel like everything that I have, I could have achieved on my own without the added burden. During our miscarriage time, he chose to be distant. I felt like the worst failure known to man (and woman, and family, and the human race). I went through a battery of tests, went to specialists, etc and no reason was found. He was supposed to get tested. His prescriptions hung on the refrigerator for months. He doesn't like needles. So he avoided the tests. One day, I just threw the papers away. 

Then "we" began the adoption. I did the paperwork, sent in the checks and arranged everything. His only contribution was a DUI that was from years before we met and held up the process by a month because he never had it removed from his record. Then our son came home and all of a sudden, he became super dad. No longer a husband. In fact, during our last therapy session, when asked what he wants to be, his response was "suburban dad".

And that is wonderful. He is a great dad. But he sets the schedule and rules for our son. I work a job that is often 80+ hours a week. He thinks I am stupid for working a demanding job and thinks I should do something like sell ovens at Sears. You don't know me... but, I'm not that kind of girl. I went to a subpar college and have worked hard to get where I am in my career. He - on the other hand - went to preschool, undergrad and graduate school. He was supposed to be a teacher but decided he didn't want to do that. Now he owns a moderately successful business... which I provided the seed money for.

We used to go out to dinner and dancing, etc. Now he like to read the Economist and play with the stock market. When I was laid off from one of my jobs, he decided the market was his thing. So he took a cash withdraw of 20,000 from a credit card. He didn't consult with me. He just did it. Its gone now.

So... he was annoyed with my work schedule and told me that I didn't have to make so much money. He separated our accounts to prove a point... that he was also a financial contributor. Within a few months, checks were bouncing like those little balls you get out of the machine at the grocery store. Both accounts were still in my name.

ALL OF THAT ASIDE, I am bored to death with him. I want to be alone or with someone who makes me laugh. I'm an independent one. I think people get married to have 2.5 kids and a partner. Neither of these things easily worked in my marriage.

Wow... sorry... I'm going on and on. And I go to 2 hours of therapy a week. One for me, one for us. When I started feeling this way, everyone told me that I was insane and depressed. I've been in therapy since. How much therapy does one person need to actually feel happy in their own skin?


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## Blanca

that is a lot to deal with. have you talked about your H withdrawing during the miscarriage? and him not doing his part? what does he say? that is really rough. id be really hurt, too.


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## ga72

okay, so I totally get this -- the not wanting to be married... the independence... the therapy and how long to be happy in my own skin... the infertility issues... ugh... and having a child (we adopted also) in the mix to worry about... difference is he is the bread winner and I stay home... but I miss working, so that's a whole other issue... Ha. Anyway, I don't think you are off your rocker at all -- and I'm with you... I thought marriage was what you do, get married, have kids, blah, blah... so not what I think now. I guess I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom... my thought (and what I am trying to do) is find my little inner voice and go with that... I know most people on here (and in 'real' life) keep pushing for working on things in the marriage (don't throw it away, talk about this, that, the other...) but at some point, I'm thinking you just know... you just know if you should be in it or not... and you have to go with that... it's what I am trying to come to terms with. Good luck!


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## Restless

I've talked, yelled, written it down and started a book about it. In general, he is an indifferent person. For example, we are talking about him moving out. He is pretty much like... "OK, if that makes you happy". When I was in the room for 2 hours waiting for the DNC, he was no where to be found. When I asked (screamed), "where were you, I was alone". He said, "I couldn't find a seat in the waiting room". I told him that when we go to get a divorce, I'm getting a t-shirt made that says, "He couldn't find a seat in the waiting room". I think that is both funny and so sad.

And trust me, I am by far a saint. I don't want to be home because I can't stomach being around him. So I go home for dinner and put our son to bed. Then I work or hang out with other people (my friend just went through a divorce so she is always more than happy to have company). 

Isn't it amazing... When you are walking down the aisle in the pretty dress, feeling like a princess, you can't imagine that one day you may regret that walk. The hard part is... everyone thinks this is my fault because I am giving up. I just don't feel like being a bulldozer anymore... I don't want to continue pushing through just to push more. Know what I mean?

Good luck to all of you. Thanks! This is my first day on the forum and I will be here often.


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## Blanca

Restless said:


> He is pretty much like... "OK, if that makes you happy".


oh ya, i know how that feels. My H has done that to me. i think its because they are not emotionally involved in the relationship. my H was so removed from me and he just wanted to protect himself. he didnt care if i went or not. that was torture.


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## ga72

Funny -- the three people I have talked to that know my DH are like, are you kidding me? You should work it out -- he is great! I know if we don't work out, it will be my fault... he is just the all around good guy. Heck, that's why I married him -- he fit the checklist -- all the things to look for in a guy to marry... the only thing I forgot to put on the list was chemistry/sexual attraction/physical attraction -- and he's a good looking guy -- like really... but somehow... ugh, I don't know. But yeah, I don't want to be the bad guy and end it, but something is seriously missing and I'm tired... tired of trying to will myself to make it work. Thank goodness though, my DH was there thru all the infertility stuff with me -- miscarried but thankfully did not have to have a DNC -- but he was great with all the infertility stuff -- he so badly wants(wanted) a family and he totally loves me... I get that... I just think I've known for a long time something was missing for me and I married him anyway -- because of the checklist. Wow.. I so got off topic here. LOL. SORRY! I freakin' love your idea of the t-shirt!


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## ga72

curious -- how old is your son?


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## Sensitive

Just yesterday, I was daydreaming how great it would be to live alone, no one to clean up after, no one to consult with about a dinner menu, no one to fight about money issues, etc. All these little things are quirks we live with, and we must tolerate as a married couple. It sounds like you are an overachiever, and they often fall short of happiness. I used to pride myself in being an excellent student and aimed to retire early at age 40. Now, I am near debt, and feel like a failure. I want to blame my irresponsible husband, and leave, but then I will have a new set of problems to struggle with. Whatever, my moods often change. Welcome to the site, feel free to ramble.


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## overitnolove

ga72,

I am where you are in regards to loosing the sexual chemestry thing...BUT... separation, when you actually go through with it is so gut retchingly, heart-breakingly, emotionally-stripping difficult, I STRONGLY advice you to go to marriage councelling for at least 2 months regually before you go there. It is REALLY TOUGH!


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## Restless

Hi!

My son is 4 years old. He is smart and is completely aware of what goes on around him. If I stay in my marriage, it would be for him. I wish I could go to some sort of large concert hall and fill it with people and ask... by show of hands... who is in love with their spouse? I'd ask all of the people with their hands up to leave and to go out and enjoy the feeling. (I'd be very polite about it.)

I'd then ask who in the room is single? And I'd politely ask them to leave and to go out and enjoy their freedom.

I'd separate the remainder of the room into tow groups: married and divorce/separated. 

I'd then like to start a very open discussion centered around staying married for the kids. Who is happier? Those who stay in the marriage or those who release themselves.

LOL! I guess... in a way this forum is a good place to post that question.


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