# Is husband competitive or insecure?



## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

So confused...

Before my H, I always had a lot of guy friends. I was always kind of a tomboy. They treated me like a sister, or as the "mama hen." I did Muay Thai, Jiu Jitsu and grappling. I was into Architecture and wood shop lol. I own a Ninja 500 and a crossbow. I was the girl that got to hear all their female problems, or hear them talk down about women in general. Get the picture? I had girlfriends, too. But only like two. Now, any male friends I have are friends of my husband. The only two male friends I still have are one that I've known since I was 2 and only see when our families get together or with my H. And the other is engaged and lives several states away so we talk once in a while to share what's new. 

The issue: Off-roading. When I got married, I owned and still own a Wrangler. During the marriage, my H and I built it up to do some serious off-roading. Lately, when we go on our trips, he's gotten mad because I want to drive more. (I used to let him drive almost all the time). We go with several of his male friends and sometimes they bring their wives or girlfriends. But usually I'm the ONLY woman there that owns a vehicle and drives it. 

Today, he had a puss face on in the morning because I decided I wanted to drive the first trails. He started telling me how bad I am at it and how I'm emasculating him. I gave up the wheel so he could drive and he still was kind of in a mood so I left the car and jumped in another car. Later, he came to me, all angry, yelling. I told him to relax, that I'm just trying to have fun and that I'm not going to be around him when he's acting that way.

And then he said this: "You act like your one of the guys, I want you to be my wife." 

I said: "What? I am right here. I am your wife and I am right here, trying to enjoy a hobby, with you, my husband." 

I got so upset. I told him I couldn't have the conversation with him at the moment, I didn't want to get even more upset or get into it with our friends around. And I walked away. 

I don't understand my H! I feel like he's trying to change who I am. What do I do? Am I in the wrong?


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

My ex used to belong to an activity-based group like that. The guys would all take part in said activity and have fun, but meanwhile the women were supposed to sit around watching them while occasionally politely clapping. 

Bleh.

I think there are guys who would appreciate a woman with a bad-ass hobby like off-roading. One of my co-workers sails with his wife regularly and always speaks admiringly of her navigation skills and how she ties knots. (really hope that's not a euphemism for something) 

Not sure if this is typical of your husband, but I can tell you from experience it gets old real quick when someone constantly expects you to dim your own light so they can shine.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's unfair to marry someone hoping that they might change. How much of your circle of friends and regular activities was your husband aware of during your courtship?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

He knew about your hobbies before marriage and now he wants to change you, so he can be the man. I never understood men who require that their woman behave a certain way so that, they appear more masculine. Are you more manly than your man?

Get him his own off roader to drive and you keep enjoying yourself. Show him you're no little lady. Let him know this is what you enjoy doing, if he is not going to like it, then, he can stay home.

Or, get used to sitting in the passenger side and enjoy being driven around. So, he can look like a husband.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

He was pretty aware. However, my mother was very ill and passed away. So for a long time I didn't want to do much, including riding my motorcycle or basically anything dangerous cause I was going through a phase where I was scared of people getting hurt or dying, literally. 

Anyways, we had a lot of arguments during that time. I asked him to relax and give me time to come around. He kind of did, but still wasn't happy about the motorcycle part. And a couple years back, I came back around. And now I just feel like he's been having more and more of a problem with it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

PieOhMy said:


> So confused...
> 
> Before my H, I always had a lot of guy friends. I was always kind of a tomboy. They treated me like a sister, or as the "mama hen." I did Muay Thai, Jiu Jitsu and grappling. I was into Architecture and wood shop lol. I own a Ninja 500 and a crossbow. I was the girl that got to hear all their female problems, or hear them talk down about women in general. Get the picture? I had girlfriends, too. But only like two. Now, any male friends I have are friends of my husband. The only two male friends I still have are one that I've known since I was 2 and only see when our families get together or with my H. And the other is engaged and lives several states away so we talk once in a while to share what's new.
> 
> ...


You sure that you didn't present yourself differently when you were dating ? I found these two comments interesting.

My GF is a hybrid of both girly and tomboy and I love her for both. Be who you are....but show who you are at the beginning as well


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

insecure.........yes!

but why? that is the question. we need to know more about him.

as to the general question, i've had a number of women in my life who did 'guy' things, and never bothered me in the slightest.
including riding motorcycles.
I had a girlfriend slightly bigger than me, knew judo. she would occasionally take me down. i thought it was pretty sexy.
didn't arouse my man insecurities at all. he needs to get over it. somehow.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

He knew what I was like. I was very free spirited and adventurous. And that's what he fell in love with, at least that's what he said. I would and still wear dresses, but at the same time, I'd be wearing a white dress and then during a down pour I'd start wrestling with him in the rain when it's all muddy. I got my nails done, I don't much anymore because of finances. Like, I always liked wearing dresses but I'd always wear a pair of shorts under them so it didn't stop me from being able to run around at family and friends events.

A family member gave me some nice cigars, and I asked all our friends and my H if he wanted to smoke them on our trip. They said yes. So my H and I were both smoking cigars, and that was not a problem. If anything, I thought that would be an issue. 

Honestly, there are so many reasons why he may be insecure. Me, his past, his family. It's probably a mixture of all. I sometimes think he got used to me not wanting to do much and then when I finally had more confidence and wasn't so insecure or scared, he started getting more competitive. 

It upsets me so much because his response is always, "You're not very good at it." When I started riding my bike again, he said he didn't think I was very good and that's why he didn't trust me going on rides alone. And so I told him to come with me. Meantime, his bike was sitting in the garage because he didn't finish painting it. Same with the off-roading, "You're not doing it right." And yet he's damaged more on my Jeep than I have. He's broke my front axle, dented my door, almost took off my side mirror, blew the winch, and popped a cv joint. Whereas, when I drove it, only the steering stabilizer came loose and needed a bigger bracket to hold it in place. I'm sure a lot of people don't believe that i may actually be a better off-roading driver than my H, but I really do look for the best path on the rocks and keep in mind where my pumpkins are located under my car. 

My H came to the US when he was 9, doesn't get along with his parents well, they are Muslim, but he considers himself agnostic. Although he's very American, I still can't help he sometimes expects me to be like his mother who never worked or did a damn fun thing in her life.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I think this has to be viewed in the whole tapestry of your other posts, particularly the ones where you are trying to dictate pretty much how his paycheck is spent and whether or not he is allowed to send anything to his family.

He's sending you a message, Pie. You better start listening. You are in a Battle Royale to determine who's wearing the pants in the family. Whether it be dictating the budget in private or not playing the "girlfriend" role in public, he's right. You are emasculating him. 

When presented within the prism of a single thread, you will get a chorus of people chiming in your support. "Yeah, who does he think he is." Viewed in a vacuum this is an accurate snapshot.

I personally don't know if I'd be spending a lot of money on off-roading equipment & gas when still living under my parents' roof. Really points to financial immaturity for both of you. 

But the fact remains, he's pulling in most of the money that your family unit is producing right now. In his mind, he probably believes that you should defer to him some of the time. I'm not saying that it's right or not. Every couple works out their own dynamic. 

All I'm saying that he likely has a vision for having a wife who is a little more agreeable and a little less shrill. You are falling short of this vision. Whether you recognize it or not, he'd daily doing a calculation in his head over whether all this is worth it or not. So far, he largely has given in to your demands to "wear the pants" and has been patient in dealing with you.

The title of this thread is telling. "Competitive" or "insecure". Nah, neither. He's just really tired of putting up with your demands. And I would be, too. If I were him, I'd be telling you to take a hike. I think it's good & healthy that he's standing up to you and telling you his expectations. You should view such communication as a gift. But you gotta wear the pants, so you take it as a challenge. 

If he were to come to TAM, I'd suggest he takes a good reading of No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. You're already on the road to disrespecting him. He stands up to you and you deem it as a character flaw - either competitive or insecure. He needs to stand up to you more or you're both doomed.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I'm confused. We came to an agreement on the finances. Both, happily. We came to an agreement with some other areas of our lives as well, happily. Not arguing, talking about how we feel and just taking time. 

We've been going to marriage counseling every week. So our issues and concerns are being voiced. Only time will tell the rest.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

It's great that you can discuss and come to compromise on issues. That's a great step. It's also fortunate that you have a husband who is willing to set some of his priorities aside for the sake of his relationship with you. 

I just sense a certain "tone deafness" on your part in regards to the level of sacrifice he makes into order to come to "happy agreement." (i.e. It's a "happy agreement" when P2 capitulates and Pie gets her way.") 

On the financial front, I would've told you to go pound sand if you were to prohibit me from sending a portion of the money I make to help my extended family. Given your relative financial contributions, I think he is bending over backwards to make you happy. And instead of acknowledging that he has come a great distance to meet your requirements, I got the sense from the other posts that his efforts represent the absolute minimum of what you would accept.

In this case, you pose the question in this thread that there is something "wrong" with him (i.e. competitive or insecure) if he dares to disagree with you. In my very limited observations, I sense that you have unrealistic expectations of him and a lack a full appreciation of the efforts he is making to make your relationship work.

When one person in a relationship puts in a supreme effort and it goes unrecognized by their partner, that is a recipe for disenchantment over the long term. Find ways to empathize with his situation and fully acknowledge his efforts. My hunch is that it would serve you well over the long haul.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

MarriedTex, I think you have your information wrong. Maybe re-read the posts. But my H doesn't want to send money to his parents, and I'm not stopping him either. I asked that it doesn't effect our bills and savings. But that's a whole other subject.

"Pants in the family" term was not even used in our discussion. So you're working off that term on your own. And you're right, it is a challenge. Because my H and I have to figure out a way to make this work. That he doesn't feel emasculated and I don't feel like I'm missing out on a hobby. 

And that's what I'm learning, we will BOTH have plenty of challenges, but we will pull through with honesty, respect and just staying strong, together. H was not respecting me when he started yelling at me during the trip in our friend's car. I don't see how something can be emasculating unless he's feeling insecure about his own position. But I'm sure there's more to learn. He wasn't happy that day until I got in the passenger seat or when I was sitting on a rock watching him drive my Jeep from afar. I don't see how that's respecting me. 

We are saving the conversation for our MC so we will BOTH have an opportunity to share how we feel.  Thanks for your honesty!


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I'm working on the admiration part. I really am. I always say thank you, love you, how much I appreciate this, and I really mean it. I hear you, MarriedTex. I've got my own to work on. Perhaps I worded it wrong, but I still cannot see how trying to take away a hobby that I enjoy is right. 

I still think a lot of our issues is in our communication.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I definitely like hearing everyone's opinions and want their honesty, like I said, I don't understand how it's right for him to try and take away a hobby is right. Especially one that we both enjoy and I enjoy doing WITH him.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

PieOhMy said:


> I definitely like hearing everyone's opinions and want their honesty, like I said, I don't understand how it's right for him to try and take away a hobby is right. Especially one that we both enjoy and I enjoy doing WITH him.


Can only speak for myself but this guy just doesn't add up to me. Guys who like girls that have the "tomboy" in them generally love them for it. they love them for it because they can share in the hobbies that some girls wouldn't be interested in at all. So following the logic train with this according to you when dating you were exactly this way before marriage but now he has issue with it? 

Were I you I would ask him that one question. This is who I was before we were married and you were fine with it so why has this changed? The emasculated word is a big one to throw around generally and if he is feeling that and saying that my guess is that this goes beyond just this one area of your relationship. I think you really really need to get clarity from him what he is talking about.


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## PieOhMy (Sep 26, 2014)

I think it will come out in MC this week. I'm hoping. Hopefully we'll come to some kind of agreement. I don't want to be fighting over who drives the jeep or what I can and cannot do during the trips -or else they won't be worth going on.


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