# Little to no sex in 10 years



## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

We dated for 5 yrs before getting married. While dating, I felt his sexual desire so much and we were so hot for each other. Then a year prior to his wedding proposal, he promised not to touch me, scared that it might lead to unwanted pregnancy. He said he promised that if we have sex prior to marriage, god can take his life. I thought it was silly but he kept his promise. But after the wedding, I felt that the sex was weird, like we didn’t connect anymore or the spark was gone. After two years of average/occasional sex, I got pregnant. And during pregnancy, he didn’t touch me again. I gained weight after pregnancy and had postpartum depression, but he added to it by no sex at all. I lost all the pregnancy weight and got fit thinking it was the reason. But still the sex was like once every 3 months or once a yr. When my son was 4 years old, I hit a wall and got sick. Chronic pain and no cure. I can no longer workout and therefore started to gain weight again. He said he’s suffering depression and lost all his libido. He said he still loves me but just no desire for sex at all. He donated all his porno movies and magazines. We’ve been to a couple of marriage counseling but it feels like a cycle. Other guys have shown interests in me but I turned them down for the sake of my son and hope he’ll change. Now I feel trap because my illness has gotten worse and could no longer work. I’m now dependent on him. The agony of not being able to feel wanted and not able to leave or stand on my own is so hard. I don’t want a sexless relationship, I’m unhappy everyday. I’ve tried to make him feel better and give him time, but I think 10 years is too long. Now I don’t know if there is still a chance for happiness for me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What illness do you have?


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

JEN79 said:


> We dated for 5 yrs before getting married. While dating, I felt his sexual desire so much and we were so hot for each other. Then a year prior to his wedding proposal, he promised not to touch me, scared that it might lead to unwanted pregnancy. He said he promised that if we have sex prior to marriage, god can take his life. I thought it was silly but he kept his promise. But after the wedding, I felt that the sex was weird, like we didn’t connect anymore or the spark was gone. After two years of average/occasional sex, I got pregnant. And during pregnancy, he didn’t touch me again. I gained weight after pregnancy and had postpartum depression, but he added to it by no sex at all. I lost all the pregnancy weight and got fit thinking it was the reason. But still the sex was like once every 3 months or once a yr. When my son was 4 years old, I hit a wall and got sick. Chronic pain and no cure. I can no longer workout and therefore started to gain weight again. He said he’s suffering depression and lost all his libido. He said he still loves me but just no desire for sex at all. He donated all his porno movies and magazines. We’ve been to a couple of marriage counseling but it feels like a cycle. Other guys have shown interests in me but I turned them down for the sake of my son and hope he’ll change. Now I feel trap because my illness has gotten worse and could no longer work. I’m now dependent on him. The agony of not being able to feel wanted and not able to leave or stand on my own is so hard. I don’t want a sexless relationship, I’m unhappy everyday. I’ve tried to make him feel better and give him time, but I think 10 years is too long. Now I don’t know if there is still a chance for happiness for me.


Did you check his T levels ?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JEN79 said:


> He donated all his porno movies and magazines.


Sorry, but that made me LOL.

Like… out loud and everything. 😳😬😆


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What illness do you have?


I suffer from chronic pain from head to toe


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Did you check his T levels ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He said he’s on the low end but not enough to be taking medication. I don’t know if he even make it a priority to fix this problem. I feel like he doesn’t really care if I’m happy or not. He knows I bring it up and I’ve mentioned that I feel like we are just like “roommates”


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

I’ve asked if he’s gay or into guys now. He said he no. Not sure if I believe him. I used to think I’m just unattractive, but then why are other guys hitting on me? Or can PTDS do this to a man? Can depression lose all of your libido/ sex desire?


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but that made me LOL.
> 
> Like… out loud and everything. 😳😬😆


I should have said “given out to his friends” but still kinda weird and hilarious


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

JEN79 said:


> Can depression lose all of your libido/ sex desire?


I can't say its ever happened to me. 



JEN79 said:


> The agony of not being able to feel wanted and not able to leave or stand on my own is so hard.


You are wanted as you said; just not by him. He's the problem, not you. You know there are ways to deal with your situation, with or without divorcing his fringed azz? You may want to talk to him about some options, although not required.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but that made me LOL.
> 
> Like… out loud and everything. 😳😬😆


I cringed. Who wants used porn... Who even has physical copies of porn these days? And who the heck shows up at their friends doorstep with a box of sticky VHS tapes?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Depression can cause a loss of libido, so can the medications uses to treat depression. However I'd have a hard time trusting that as the reason. 

His testosterone levels being "low" really doesn't tell you much. He needs to know the number and what it should be for a guy his age. 

At the end of the day, the reason really doesn't matter. He doesn't want to be intimate with you, he knows how this is affecting you, and he has chosen to do nothing about it for 10 YEARS. Knowing the cause wouldn't help because he still wouldn't fix it, otherwise he would have been on the hunt for answers 9+ years ago.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Helping Hand said:


> Did you check his T levels ?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


His T levels? After no sex for 10 years, I’d check for a pulse. 

All kidding aside, it seems that he developed an psychological aversion to sex after getting married. It’s almost like he cursed himself with that statement of touching you before marriage. He may need to see a counselor to breakthrough the self imposed mental block.

The low T thing is a real thing. Us men hate to go to the doctor. You’re going to have to insist that he get checked thoroughly. Also, I know you said he throughout his porn stash but just be safe, check the browser on his computer, tablet, and phone. We have a ton of threads from frustrated wives who have husband who prefer to spank the monkey over a girl in a video than to enjoy their wife’s warm body.


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I can't say its ever happened to me.
> 
> 
> 
> You are wanted as you said; just not by him. He's the problem, not you. You know there are ways to deal with your situation, with or without divorcing his fringed azz? You may want to talk to him about some options, although not required.


I’ve talked to him too many times and given him options. Actually threatened to divorce him but he said he’s suicidal. I didn’t want to be the reason if he kills himself. So I gave him another chance. But that was 2 yrs+ ago now.


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

bobert said:


> At the end of the day, the reason really doesn't matter. He doesn't want to be intimate with you, he knows how this is affecting you, and he has chosen to do nothing about it for 10 YEARS. Knowing the cause wouldn't help because he still wouldn't fix it, otherwise he would have been on the hunt for answers 9+ years ago.


So I guess I’m just stuck and this is my fate. Unless there is another man out there willing to be in relationship and support a pretty disabled person. I hardly doubt it. My divorced sexy beautiful friends are having a hard time as is, how much more for me with so much baggage 😓


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JEN79 said:


> So I guess I’m just stuck and this is my fate. Unless there is another man out there willing to be in relationship and support a pretty disabled person. I hardly doubt it. My divorced sexy beautiful friends are having a hard time as is, how much more for me with so much baggage 😓


How old are you?


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

Torninhalf said:


> How old are you?


41


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## JEN79 (Aug 5, 2021)

jsmart said:


> His T levels? After no sex for 10 years, I’d check for a pulse.
> 
> All kidding aside, it seems that he developed an psychological aversion to sex after getting married. It’s almost like he cursed himself with that statement of touching you before marriage. He may need to see a counselor to breakthrough the self imposed mental block.
> 
> The low T thing is a real thing. Us men hate to go to the doctor. You’re going to have to insist that he get checked thoroughly. Also, I know you said he throughout his porn stash but just be safe, check the browser on his computer, tablet, and phone. We have a ton of threads from frustrated wives who have husband who prefer to spank the monkey over a girl in a video than to enjoy their wife’s warm body.


I guess he needs to find a counselor again to help him. But I feel like he doesn’t really bring it up to his sessions with the counselor. Maybe he’s embarrassed to bring it up?

As for hidden stash, I have access to his mobile and personal laptop and I haven’t seen anything. I actually suggest we watch porn together but he said it doesn’t really excite him anymore. Since he likes reading, is there a good books for men you can suggest?

But I do feel more rejected when I present something and he says it won’t work ☹


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Do you have a genetic diagnosis? Is it simply called fibromyalgia? You can't let these things take over your life and just give into it at 41. You need to make a full tilt effort to understand what it is and what is causing it. No one including doctors is going to do this for you. Your future happiness depends on being able to live on your own and support yourself.

There is a scientific explanation to your troubles and you need to find it.

If you haven't done things like get your exome tested etc, then you are just wallowing in your problem and feeling sorry for yourself. It will be hard, but you need to climb yourself out of the hole you are in.

Sorry if that comes off as harsh, but that is the reality of it. You are the only one in control of your future.


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

JEN79 said:


> 41


You are still very young. I’m sure you could find a way to support yourself.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

JEN79 said:


> So I guess I’m just stuck and this is my fate. Unless there is another man out there willing to be in relationship and support a pretty disabled person. I hardly doubt it. My divorced sexy beautiful friends are having a hard time as is, how much more for me with so much baggage 😓


Well, he will have to pay alimony because he's been supporting you. With the disability it's possible that he will have lifetime alimony even though you haven't been married for too long. 

You would have to consult with an attorney to see what the likely scenarios are.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Maybe your a husband started off as a firecracker 🧨 and turned into a dud 🧊❄🐟


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I’m not understanding everything here. You’ve gained significant weight, stopped working and have a “chronic” general pain at 41 keeping you from making improvements in your life? I think there is more to the story here than just your husband’s depression. Accountability for staying our best go both ways in a relationship. Are you living up to yours?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Sorry, but that made me LOL.
> 
> Like… out loud and everything.


Me too…I just couldn’t say it. I was thinking DAV? Maybe…Goodwill? Perhaps. Surely not CHKD 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> significant weight, stopped working and have a “chronic” general pain at 41


…would not inspire my libido either, especially if my partner wasn’t doing anything to address it. 

OP…are you trying to help yourself or have you just given up?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not understanding everything here. You’ve gained significant weight, stopped working and have a “chronic” general pain at 41 keeping you from making improvements in your life? I think there is more to the story here than just your husband’s depression. Accountability for staying our best go both ways in a relationship. Are you living up to yours?


Umm, I passed right pass that. I thought she said she gain weight from the pregnancy and lost it all but that’s another thread. 

Yea, having a wife that got huge would be a huge turn off but I think the no sex thing predates the weight gain. I mean 10 years?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Umm, I passed right pass that. I thought she said she gain weight from the pregnancy and lost it all but that’s another thread.
> 
> Yea, having a wife that got huge would be a huge turn off but I think the no sex thing predates the weight gain. I mean 10 years?


I think people sometimes come on here looking for support that they are right in their situations. However, every now and then they give you just enough information to pause and say something doesn’t add up. Yes, the weight gain, some pain that you make a big deal of and quitting your job would be dealbreakers for me and probably her husband as well. It smells of laziness and letting yourself go to me…but I guess I could be wrong?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

JEN79 said:


> I’ve talked to him too many times and given him options. Actually threatened to divorce him but he said he’s suicidal. I didn’t want to be the reason if he kills himself. So I gave him another chance. But that was 2 yrs+ ago now.


 blackmail 
it is not easy when your blackmailed into staying with someone , 
you don't know if they will do it or not , most say it but would not but there is no way of knowing , 


RebuildingMe said:


> I think people sometimes come on here looking for support that they are right in their situations. However, every now and then they give you just enough information to pause and say something doesn’t add up. Yes, the weight gain, some pain that you make a big deal of and quitting your job would be dealbreakers for me and probably her husband as well. It smells of laziness and letting yourself go to me…but I guess I could be wrong?


 yes we get only one side of the story ever except the odd time when the other person finds what they have been doing on the internet and then gives a very different story , 

when there is marriage breakdown it is not just one person doing all the bad things , 
it can be down to many small things that we don't see , 
we think we are the perfect husband or wife 
but our wife or husband might have a different idea on what perfect is


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

JEN79 said:


> I’ve asked if he’s gay or into guys now. He said he no. Not sure if I believe him. I used to think I’m just unattractive, but then why are other guys hitting on me? Or can PTDS do this to a man? Can depression lose all of your libido/ sex desire?


If he is on antidepressants they can give him physiological ED that PDE5 meds may not cure in that case. Which in turn will sooner or later give him psychological ED which can't be cured with a pill or injection. The psychological ED can cause him to avoid any encounter with you where he might be expected to perform. A full workup by a competent urologist can identify which way to go to resolve the problem. The difficulty is your husband is the only one who make this happen, he has to want to fix it. If he actively and urgentlyworks the problem, it can be solved in nearly all cases.

Are you sure your own symptoms didn't develop from the psychological effect of your husband not showing desire for you? 

Not sure if there are professionals who can simultaneously help both partners in a marriage to restore sexual relationship in a marriage. Letting this go on for so long hasn't helped, you both have built ingrained habits.


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## New Dawn! (Nov 21, 2020)

JEN79 said:


> I suffer from chronic pain from head to toe


Hi. I'm sorry for both your physical and emotional pain. Do you have an autoimmune disease? If you do I may be able to help you. This is not an ad and I'm not looking for money. I may be able to help. I know what I'm talking about. If there is a direct message capability on this site please consider sending me a DM if you have an autoimmune condition.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

JEN79 said:


> I’ve talked to him too many times and given him options. Actually threatened to divorce him but he said he’s suicidal. I didn’t want to be the reason if he kills himself. So I gave him another chance. But that was 2 yrs+ ago now.


What options/proposals have you talked about? Have you talked to him about his feelings about you having a NSA thing or is that something you'd entertain? Many disinterested husband are not opposed to their wives having such arrangements as long as it doesn't threaten the marriage and oftentimes the husband enjoys being present. (not trying to make you uncomfortable but give some real life options that surprisingly many couples enjoy) If you have the stomach for it, you can find a gentleman in the same position you are in and do things off the books so to speak. Nevertheless, the cleanest approach is for your husband to sanction the solution.
Remember, you are only in the position you're in because he is lacking in his "responibilities" as a husband. Jen, your physical problems could very well be exacerbated or even caused by the stress due to the rejection you must feel.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think it could be grounds for an annulment- that hubby seems to have no true interest in a marital relationship.

I don’t consider it honorable that he made some promise to God before marriage while maintaining a porn stash. Disgusting really... sounds like a weird excuse to avoid sex with you. If he really wanted you he should have avoided porn and married you quickly.

I’ve never had chronic head to toe pain but we’re made to be active. I hope you find some way to maintain an active lifestyle- keep trying!!


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

JEN79 said:


> *He said he’s on the low end but not enough to be taking medication*. I don’t know if he even make it a priority to fix this problem. I feel like he doesn’t really care if I’m happy or not. He knows I bring it up and I’ve mentioned that I feel like we are just like “roommates”


A little bit about low T.

How low is he?
Most GP *will not recommend *you go to a specialist (Urologist or an Endocrinologist)
So you motor along dumb because you think this isn't a big deal. If it was, your GP would have sent you to a specialist.

This is a hard concept for healthy people to grasp, when you have low T, you have no need, want, or desire for sex.

That part completely disappears for you.
People will argue that if you loved someone then you would still try to have sex.
The issue is that the idea of sex no longer exists. You are _aware _of it, but it holds no meaning to you.
The best example would be your most favorite toy growing up. You loved that toy and it was the best thing ever. Then you got older and played with that toy less and less. To the point tht it was left down in the basement and hasn't moved for 20 years. You sub conscientiously know it's there, but you consciously don't think about it.

That's what happens with Low T.

It has nothing to do with caring if you are happy. You have to step away from that emotion and think in a more cause/effect rationality.I can't make you happy about something that is nothing more than a ghost of a thought for me.
You have to look more at it:
1) We used to have lots of sex
2) I like lots of sex
3) I want you to want to have sex
4) I want you to want to have sex with me
5) We don't have sex
6) Why don't we have sex

He needs to get checked again and tell his GP that he no longer wants sex. That will get the ball rolling on getting him to a specialist.



JEN79 said:


> I’ve asked if he’s gay or into guys now. He said he no. Not sure if I believe him. I used to think I’m just unattractive, but then why are other guys hitting on me? Or can PTDS do this to a man? *Can depression lose all of your libido/ sex desire?*


Yes.
Horrifically in a detrimental way.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

The word "beard" comes to mind here.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JEN79 said:


> Then a year prior to his wedding proposal, he promised not to touch me, scared that it might lead to unwanted pregnancy. He said he promised that if we have sex prior to marriage, god can take his life..


This was a bright, neon, glaring red flag. This was an indication he has a few screws loose. 

This has nothing to do with your weight or illness etc, he's a nut.


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## Sirc.555 (Aug 26, 2021)

JEN79 said:


> We dated for 5 yrs before getting married. While dating, I felt his sexual desire so much and we were so hot for each other. Then a year prior to his wedding proposal, he promised not to touch me, scared that it might lead to unwanted pregnancy. He said he promised that if we have sex prior to marriage, god can take his life. I thought it was silly but he kept his promise. But after the wedding, I felt that the sex was weird, like we didn’t connect anymore or the spark was gone. After two years of average/occasional sex, I got pregnant. And during pregnancy, he didn’t touch me again. I gained weight after pregnancy and had postpartum depression, but he added to it by no sex at all. I lost all the pregnancy weight and got fit thinking it was the reason. But still the sex was like once every 3 months or once a yr. When my son was 4 years old, I hit a wall and got sick. Chronic pain and no cure. I can no longer workout and therefore started to gain weight again. He said he’s suffering depression and lost all his libido. He said he still loves me but just no desire for sex at all. He donated all his porno movies and magazines. We’ve been to a couple of marriage counseling but it feels like a cycle. Other guys have shown interests in me but I turned them down for the sake of my son and hope he’ll change. Now I feel trap because my illness has gotten worse and could no longer work. I’m now dependent on him. The agony of not being able to feel wanted and not able to leave or stand on my own is so hard. I don’t want a sexless relationship, I’m unhappy everyday. I’ve tried to make him feel better and give him time, but I think 10 years is too long. Now I don’t know if there is still a chance for happiness for me.


I am so sorry to hear your story i have same feeling right now


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why are posters jumping on her for her illness (she wants sex and during her weight loss he didn’t want it, and men are giving her attention so she’s doing something right), but nobody’s jumping on him for his lack of desire?

And he won’t have sex with her, but threatens suicide if she leaves?? Your husband is pulling all the strings, cut them. No way I would put up with a suicide threat. I would walk, and call him an ambulance on the way out. Let the professionals cart him away since he won’t help himself. Won’t have sex with you but won’t leave, yet threatens to kill himself if YOU leave? Madness.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

JEN79 said:


> I suffer from chronic pain from head to toe


What causes the pain


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

@Diana7 fibromyalgia, it can be debilitating along with the fatigue


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## GraciesMagic (11 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> The word "beard" comes to mind here.


Aww lol I was thinking that also


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

JEN79 said:


> I’ve asked if he’s gay or into guys now. He said he no. Not sure if I believe him. I used to think I’m just unattractive, but then why are other guys hitting on me? Or can PTDS do this to a man? Can depression lose all of your libido/ sex desire?


He may have a Madonna complex, or he can't see you as a woman beyond being a mommy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Old shirt said it. A guy that’s banging his gf and loving it, wants to marry her…… 

“let’s stop screwing for a YEAR”…….

says no sane man that ever lived in the history of mankind.

regardless off your health issues, your husband has problems above your pay grade. I think beard also. And, I too want to know who the recipient of the porn donation is. Interesting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread. Closed.


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