# Are revenge affairs ever beneficial?



## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Ok, so I am getting everything in order. I'm collecting concrete evidence of his affair (which I've now documented hotel stays back to September), I've consulted an attorney to find out my options, I'm looking at options to get self sufficient financially, and I made an appointment for next week to get checked for STD's. Overall I'm heading in a positive direction, but I'm still dealing with anger and resentment issues (he couldn't watch the kids last night because of work, but then I found out he was at the hotel). I can't throw him out for another couple of months when I'll be better off financially. 

When I was reading other threads someone made the comment that the marriage contract was voided when the WS started the affair. If that is true, is it ever beneficial for the BS to go out and have their own affair? Or is it better to wait until after formal separation or divorce? This thing is going to take a while and it really ticks me off that he's out having fun in the hotel while I haven't had proper affection in years. I could sit back and do the whole be the better person thing, but why should I really have to? Of course I would let the guy know the deal and would never hook up with someone who was married (though I did have a fleeting thought of hooking up with the OW's husband, because I know nothing would tick her off more than that).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Trying to think of an instance where “Two wrongs actually make a right” but can’t think of any.

That said, if the marriage is over and it is now merely a matter of the ministerial task to formalize and finalize the matter I don’t know that the status should hamper getting on with your life – so to speak.

But to go off and shag someone just to make yourself feel better? That is wrong at so many levels. Don’t stoop to the level of your EX, there are enough crummy and rotten people in the world as it is. Don’t yourself become one of them.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't do anything to give up any high ground you may have with your divorce proceedings. Morally, legally, or otherwise.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Does he know you know and are filling for divorce?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It wouldn't hurt to tell him he has to watch the kids cause you have a date!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I cannot see how it would be helpful. 

I do understand the temptation though. I just believe that it would have made things even more difficult for me. Especially when I have been asked some candid questions by my children
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

What would your next really decent husband think of this. Would he be proud of that? 

Stay true to yourself. Don't lower yourself into the stench of indecency. Ever. Single or married. You are still you.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Tell him you know, that you are filling divorce, and that you are only staying in an open marriage, make clear that girls always get more attention than guys!!
Open marriage is not betrayal as the partner knows, but it could be very destructive


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

you should wait on a real date until you have filed for divorce though I do. Believe the marriage is over when the vows are broken like this.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

I have a friend whose wife had an affair and then left him in the middle of the night. The OM wife sought out my fiend for RA and he went along with it.
What a cluster Fk!; so much hate, even now years later.
I can’t speak for the rest of this world but at the end of my day my goal is to try to have pride and respect for my actions. Like most I have not always succeeded. When we get pushed beyond our breaking point that is the time to retreat and think deeply but some just snap. Regret come later.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Beneficial?

For the lawyers, maybe.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

If your 100% done with this guy then why not? That's not really a revenge affair... Rub it in his face as you serve him papers.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I guess as long are you past any chance of R, it really isn't a RA, it is just lurve or whatever single people have nowadays, though I would maintain my integrity enough to not do it until my SO was served.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

I will just quote myself in this subject:



manticore said:


> Ironically even while being part of the lets hang up all the cheaters gang, I am not totally against them, is some situations I think that they are benefical
> 
> I rememeber the case of one user (in love shack) where his wife still wanted to have both he and the OM so she suggested to have a kind of open marriage thinking that he will reject the offer a let her keep seeing the OM.
> 
> ...





manticore said:


> Just to clarify
> 
> the RA I consider acceptables are under hermetic circumstances:
> 
> ...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Having an RA is like pouring gasoline on the flames of burning house.

However, exposing his affairs to family and everyone may help to take the affair out of the secret of the dark and into the light of day.

Affairs do not like the light of day. 

I do hope you have a good attorney. Follow your attorney's advice.

After the divorce, then you can try for a real loving relationship, and also maybe find someone worth your time and attention.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

No.


But when his OW's husband comes to your door and rings the bell let your husband answer it.

Then when he asks you where you are going after you have introduced him as the OW's husband just tell him you are going for coffee to compare notes with an evil grin on your face.

That is much better than any affair you could have.

You only need $3 in your pocket, no condom required and you will get more satisfaction from the look on his face than any sex with a stranger......

Wait till he is gone, hold your head high and go find a great guy when the deucebag moves out.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Just to clarify, if divorce is comming for sure (and I mean 100% sure from your side, and taking in consideration that not even good will make you change your mind about divorce, and that even if he begs you will not forgive him) then is not really a revenge affair


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Does the OW's husband know of the affair? If not, you need to tell him ASAP!


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Yes… conditionally. I know of several success stories where…. Um… EA’s by the BS sort of broke those unremorseful WS’s types. They had to face a hurt they couldn’t empathize with before. But being made into a BS, there was no escaping that hurt. PA’s though are a different beast I’ve never seen work.

But I do know two BW’s who had RA’s as exit affairs. Sort of a stab in the back on their way out the door. One woman I know after having sex with her cheating husband, smiled down on him and asked him how he liked his sloppy seconds, then told him the divorce papers were being executed. And walked out the door. According to her, she felt vindicated… It was hate driving her where she wanted to inflict as much pain as possible and burn that bridge so she could move on and not be tempted by her heart. She didn’t want him acting ‘sweet’ and apologetic. So she got what she wanted… but I bet feels a bit dirty about it. 

So what are looking for? It’s probably an excellent way to leave the relationship and satisfy that eye for an eye vengeance thing burning inside.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Its a very personal choice IMO...some people actually do themselves MORE damage by having an RA...I think MattMatt is a poster who is a great example of this.

For these people, they do their own self-esteem great damage because they feel they have failed their own standards and values.

Other people are very different (and I count myself in this group). For them, NOT retaliating for an unprovoked injury inflicted on them does damage to their self-image...they can't just sit back and passively accept the sh*t sandwich their traitorous spouse has just shoved down their throat.

I know I can't feel good about myself if I just passively accept other people's bad actions towards me.

I will make sure they understand in no uncertain terms they f*cked with the wrong person.

So the question really boils down to which type of personality do you have....your choice has to match who you are as a person. 

To thine own self be true!


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Go for it, with someone who is single. As I always say, an eye for an eye.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Get a baby sitter, ask which hotel he's going to so you don't end up in the same one as that would be too awkward.

There is a lot you could do without actually dropping your linen if you don't really want to although that is what he has earned.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are there any single guys he knows and really dislikes?


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Are there any single guys he knows and really dislikes?


LOL


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

*Are revenge affairs ever beneficial*??? Yes contrary to popular belief revenge affairs can be very effective when dealing with unremorseful spouses who don't fully get it 


EA are effective with unremorseful WW



PA are effective with unremorseful WH



I don't believe revenge affairs are as bad as many seem to think because they kind of zero the relationship setting it back to square one Re-seating it both parties understand there's life outside of marriage and the BS can make the decision to stay or go based on whats in their best interest.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Lots to think about. 

More background...I used to think of sex as just pleasure with no emotion due to numerous bad relationships dating back to my teens. Several years into our relationship it started to become more meaningful. Now that is shot and it's back to meaning nothing to me. I was thinking a RA, or whatever it would be in my circumstances, mainly to help my self esteem and get some vindication. I confronted him about being with her months ago, but didn't reveal my evidence because I didn't want to lose access to his computer, and he adamantly denied it. I would then make comments now and then about "why don't you ask your girlfriend" and he thought it was funny and would joke about all the girls who are hot for him. Since I got back from vacation a couple of weeks ago things are different. I got tired one night of him only wanting oral and never doing anything for me so afterwards I told him to leave the money on the table on his way out. He got very upset and said he didn't want me to do it out of obligation, but because it really meant something and I really wanted it. Three days later he was in the hotel with her. He also doesn't want me joking about girlfriends anymore and gets very upset if I do. He's been very stressed and even had a full blown panic attack (I told him it was from all that guilt living two lives). Instead of an RA I alternatively thought of just messing with him by having condoms in my purse, arranging secretive texts and doing all of the typical signs that WS have without actually doing it. I have such a hard time reconciling in my head how he can be all affectionate and talking about our future one second and then leave the house and bang her, then come home like nothing happened. It's like he's schizophrenic or something.

He played me so bad for so long that I really need some serious vindication. I don't want to do anything public, well I do but I would be too afraid it would get back to my kids and they already have a shaky relationship with him. The OW's BS has no clue and calls her constantly, which annoys my cake-eater WH. I don't want to tell her BH until the right moment. Besides, he owns a gun and is the type who would shoot my POSWH. I think they are just having fun playing their little game without any consideration of anyone else. I can't see R because I could never trust a thing he said after so blatantly lying for so long and so convincingly.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Leafwhisper said:


> (he couldn't watch the kids last night


 See the above? See the key word? Hint.........KIDS.

Think about it for a minuet. They have two parents and one of them isn't setting a real good example.

So you have a choice. Give your kids one parent they can be proud of and give them the guidance and put them on the right path or let the kids have two parents that put themselves ahead of the children they brought into this world.

They didn't ask to be born. You and him made them so you have a responsibility to do the job in raising them.

Sooner or later they'll know of dear old dads affair and he's the one going to pay the price by having the kids looking at him in a completely different light because of what he did to you and he can never get his true dignity back, so is that what you want for yourself? Think it's worth it?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Revenge affairs gives credence to my observation that the actions of one spouse can be the cause the other seeking an affair.  Leafwhisper, you don't sound like you've got a lot to lose. In fact it may do your ego good and give you passion you apparently not felt in some time. There are some guys that know the right moves and appreciate a woman.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

SpinDaddy said:


> Trying to think of an instance where “Two wrongs actually make a right” but can’t think of any.
> 
> That said, if the marriage is over and it is now merely a matter of the ministerial task to formalize and finalize the matter I don’t know that the status should hamper getting on with your life – so to speak.
> 
> But to go off and shag someone just to make yourself feel better? That is wrong at so many levels. Don’t stoop to the level of your EX, there are enough crummy and rotten people in the world as it is. Don’t yourself become one of them.


:iagree:

As long as your AP is not married and everything is on the up-and-up, I don't see it as a revenge affair. As you said, it's just getting on with your life. 

BUT......., lawyers could get involved and your "cheating" could hamper any financial settlements. I would talk with your lawyer or just wait it out.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Leafwhisper said:


> I was thinking a RA, or whatever it would be in my circumstances, mainly to help my self esteem and get some vindication.


I believe what you say above is true, it will help you with your self esteem and it will level the playing field. I do think it could help you if you can emotionally handle an affair. Actually, it really wouldn't an affair because your husband effectively ended your marriage when he had the physical relationship with the POSOW. However If you deside to go through with it, please don't have one with a married man. It might even be a better idea just to leave your husband.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

I would never consider getting involved with a married man or even one who had a steady girlfriend. Knowing my pain I just couldn't do that to anyone, and knowing how easy it is for people to lie about their status I would check it out first and definitely let them know where I stood. Unlike my POS-STBXH, I stand on honesty. I wouldn't hide it from him either. I wouldn't necessarily flaunt it, but I wouldn't hide it. It would be just for me and my ego. 

As for money, there's really none to be had, so that's not really much of a consideration.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you can cope with realising you are a POS, too, then why not? That is what did the damage to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Being cheated on hurts the ego, I know that for sure. But you need to rebuild that feeling of self worth from inside. If you only get it from meaningless sex, then your sense of self worth gets tied to sex. That sets you up to be a man's plaything, not a reliable healthy partner. 

Definetly make him watch the kids and get out of the house. Not to date, or have sex. But to go do things you like. Join a social club, take dance classes, go hiking. If he refuses to spend time with the kids document it and use to get sole custody and a beefy chunk of his paycheck for child support.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Acoa said:


> Being cheated on hurts the ego, I know that for sure. But you need to rebuild that feeling of self worth from inside. If you only get it from meaningless sex, then your sense of self worth gets tied to sex. That sets you up to be a man's plaything, not a reliable healthy partner.
> 
> Definetly make him watch the kids and get out of the house. Not to date, or have sex. But to go do things you like. Join a social club, take dance classes, go hiking. If he refuses to spend time with the kids document it and use to get sole custody and a beefy chunk of his paycheck for child support.


:iagree: If you do want to date - do so AFTER he is served. Dating after he is served declares that the marriage is over and it still would be a blow to his ego if you did date. That would be the best course of action but whatever you decide just make sure your new partner is single.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

There have been times when I have done "something back" to someone so that they know how it feels.

For example, I have conveniently "forgotten" something when my exH seemed very capable of forgetting things as well. For me, it takes a lot of stress to keep a straight face and say "Oh, sorry, I forgot." And wait and see how long it takes for them to accuse me of doing it "on purpose" as if they were completely incapable of "forgetting (on Purpose) things important to the most important, purportedly, person to them.

IT's a bit passive aggressive but when dealing with a PA type, that is all they understand. I dated another guy who thought it was somehow cutesy to create alternative names to things and then expect me to correct him -- a million times sometimes. 

One time, someone in a pub corrected him; he then became angry with me, accusing me of letting him look like a fool. I told him I had corrected him many times; to which he said "well, I didn't correct him enough."

the showdown between us came when I refused to understand anything he said unless he stated it correctly. So instead of interacting like the Smothers Brothers or Rowan and Martin -- in which you need at least one straight guy -- I joined him in acting as stupid as he was acting. It was no longer much fun for him.

I suppose both examples above are PAish and maybe even 180ish, but I have found them to be effective. In either getting the person to stop and / or deciding that the relationship just cannot go further.

It's funny how I think having a revenge affair would not necessarily bring the same kind of satisfaction. May be because you would have to find someone that would make your partner jealous in the first place. And depending on what kind of moral values and your attitude to sex (it's special vs. it's just a physical release) how you might feel afterwards.

Probably having an EA with one or more adoring fans would be the right antidote for a woman. All that attentiveness and courtliness and you didn't even have "to give it up" will certainly make your WH contemplate that you certainly won't be lonely when the knot between you gets untied.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

> Are revenge affairs ever beneficial?


Only time they are is if the person engaging in the RA wants out anyway and that was kind of a big FU while exiting the marriage. And that's just a benefit to THAT person in that situation, not beneficial in general.

Other than that, no, they are never beneficial. Someone engaging in a RA becomes no better than the original offender. I wouldn't want to be with someone that cheated, even if they say it was "only" in revenge.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

No, they are not.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

> Probably having an EA with one or more adoring fans would be the right antidote for a woman. All that attentiveness and courtliness and you didn't even have "to give it up" will certainly make your WH contemplate that you certainly won't be lonely when the knot between you gets untied.


That would be ideal. My only problem is that I've never met a guy who was like that. I'm really glad that I found this board, though. All of these opinions really help to clarify my foggy mind and keep me from doing anything impulsive.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Leafwhisper said:


> I would never consider getting involved with a married man or even one who had a steady girlfriend. Knowing my pain I just couldn't do that to anyone, and knowing how easy it is for people to lie about their status I would check it out first and definitely let them know where I stood. Unlike my POS-STBXH, I stand on honesty. I wouldn't hide it from him either. I wouldn't necessarily flaunt it, but I wouldn't hide it. It would be just for me and my ego.
> 
> As for money, there's really none to be had, so that's not really much of a consideration.


I would flaunt it. I would say, "hey, you know that bubba guy you don't like, I can't believe someone can be that good in bed. I think it has a lot to do with eguipment size, don't you?"


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## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Actually, this is more of an exit affair than a revenge affair, and so is governed by different social rules.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It is foolish to think that an RA resets things back to zero.

One cheater or the other had the more "valuable" affair. And you are both damaged. Resetting things to below zero without parity is closer to the truth.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leafwhisper,

Before you do anything impulsive like have an RA, you need to check the divorce laws where you live. In a few states, the BS can benefit a lot financially and in child custody if they can prove that their spouse has had an affair.

But an important point is that if the BS has sex with the WS after finding out about the affair, then the court assumes that the affair was forgiven and cannot be used in the divorce.

So you are having sex with a man you know is actively cheating on you... he can argue that you forgave him.

but then you have an RA, he does not forgive you, and he can file based on your adultery and then you can lose your half of the marital assets and anything else you are entitled to in divorce.

Even if you live in state that does not allow filing for fault with the fault having a consequence for the spouse who is at fault.. you having an affair can back fire on you big time.

You will most likely also find that your H and public opinion will be that you are more at fault than he is. At the very least equally at fault. He will definitely use any RA/EA you have as an excuse to prove that he was right that YOU were not in the marriage and YOU deprived him for all these years. 

You really do not want to go down that road. Today looking at the idea of an RA, the thought of it makes you feel good. But if you actually do it, you will most likely find out that I ruins any sense of self worth you have.

It's it no true that the marriage is over due to his affair. Legally it's not true. While you might feel that emotionally it's over, it's no over until the ink is dry on the final divorce decree.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Thanks again for all the input. I think I am going to stand the moral high ground on this one. Our marriage has been plagued with a quid pro quo attitude, and NOT have an RA would show that I am in fact the one who has moral authority (a term he constantly throws around). Of course in his mind he is doing nothing wrong because I "forced" him into an affair by not being the perfect wife and being the cause of his misery (he blames everyone for everything. He has never said that it was his fault for ANYTHING). 

Now the next question, and I'm not sure if I should start another thread or not for it, but should I stop spying? I am very good at it and have accumulated tons of hard evidence. When I do it I get a rush of adrenaline, but then I spend hours unfocused because what I usually discover sends my mind into further turmoil. I could stop and just focus on me, and just stick with what I have, which is plenty sufficient, but am I realistically going to be able to live in my own world wondering if he is planning something? Monitoring his computer and phone is both reassuring and extremely damaging.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

What is the goal of your spying?


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

It's all a mute point now because I confronted him this morning. I'm scared and shaking and am going to start a new thread because now I have issues unrelated to this thread.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Make sure your evidence is located in at least two plces he cannot posibly get to.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

It is. I have duplicates stored with various friends.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

I did have a fleeting thought of hooking up with the OW's husband, because I know nothing would tick her off more than that
_____

Why would you stoop to their level?
Would that make you feel better if you did become a cheater?


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## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

RA's helped me to relieve feelings of anger and jealousy, and also provide power over the cheater. Also the cheater gets hurt and so RA's provide balance between the cheater and the victim. 

In my opinion, only then is R worth. It's not fair if one person cheats and the other gets hurt and plays a saint. That's totally unfair.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

In my case it brought the reality of my xW's decision to cheat right into focus for her.

At first, she thought I was sleeping with a woman who became one of my best friends, but I never slept with her. However, I did reconnect with a stunningly beautiful woman I knew from high school. At first, this woman was going to just be a rebound, which this woman knew and was totally okay with. My xW hsd no issue with me sleeping with my friend (she had moved out and my friend isn't what I would call attractive), but once I started seeing the hot lady, I moved back into my house (I had been staying with my brother for support for a while) and she could tell that something was up. The first time she came to the house after I moved back in to pick up our daughter, she was dressed up and was hanging around, clearly trying to get my attention. I was nice, polite, and cordial...and I looked her square in the face, smiled, and said "Bye!" And she literally hung her head and left. 

And in very short order, hot lady and I started doing it like they do on the Discovery channel. 

When the xW found out I was actually dating this woman, the crazy started to flow. She would send hot lady messages on Facebook from alias accounts, she got WAY nicer to me, and through mutual friends I heard that she was taking it pretty hard. Her affair slowly started tocrumble. By that time, I didn't care. I was getting better sex than I'd had in years! And when xW learned that I was falling in love with hot lady, and that she was falling in love with me in return, boy did she try to manipulate me into coming back. " The kids have suffered enough," she once told me. Well I'm not the one who started their suffering! "I'm sorry and I'm ashamed of my actions." As you should be, but that doesn't change a thing. My personal favorite? "Daughter wants to spend time with both of us togegher." My actual response: " We are no longer a family and it is not appropriate to behave as if we are. We all need to accept that, even Daughter."

It's amazing what going out and getting laid will do for your self esteem. I realized I had options that didn't include a cheater. And when the xW found out I was with a woman prettier than her, it hit her pretty hard. I'm no longer with hot lady (I've been single for almost a year now), but to this day the xW still does things to try and rattle my chain every once in a while, and she's engaged (to get a different guy).I devote as little of my time to her as possible. To this day, she can't look me in the eyes. 

I don't think my xW would have really seen me in a different, sexual light unless I had had my RA. Well, for me, I call it an exit affair. Divorce had been filed by the time I had extramarital sex, and my xW was full blown in a PA months before D was filed, so I suppose I can't even really consider what I did an affair. But to this day, I regret none of it and was glad I did. Maybe she learned a lesson from it...I don't know. But I do know that she is nicer to me now than she ever was when we were married. 

Today, I have a much better job doing something I've always wanted to do, I make a lot more money, and my xW recently told me that her other daughter (from her marriage before mine) now wants to live with her father and she's losing the $600 monthly child support she's been getting for years and that it'll be tough to make ends meet, so she can't afford to pay for half of our daughter's dance lessons that she wants to take. I said I think that's an expense both of her parents should share and to let me know when she's in a better position so we can enroll her then. Her fiancee is young, in his early twenties, and doesn't make much money. I pay the $400 monthly child support per the judgment, but there is no way I'm going to give her one more cent beyond that. 

So to recap, I think it was valuable for me because I realized that I was still attractive and had a lot to offer. And she got a taste of her own medicine: what it feels like to be suddenly dropped for another woman. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This is just sad.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

toolforgrowth said:


> I pay the $400 monthly child support per the judgment, but there is no way I'm going to give her one more cent beyond that.


BTW, you got off extraordinarily easy on the support payments.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah. Really. Any kids? Or just spousal? For me the $400 wouldn't be worth having a continued relationship with you.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Yeah. Really. Any kids? Or just spousal? For me the $400 wouldn't be worth having a continued relationship with you."

I fail to see what he did wrong.

His WW cheated and left to continue her A.

He filed and moved on to another relationship.

WW didn't like the retaliation and desperately tried to entice him back but he slammed the door on her.

He was under no obligation to take her back...she came too late to having buyer's remorse for her POSOM and didn't like the fact that the price she paid for him was her BH who she suddenly remembered she still loved.

Cheaters should think about those things before they blow up their M's and families.

I respect the fact that you may see things differently, but insinuating that toolforgrowth is a POS who is unworthy of being associated with is a bit extreme IMO.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

" RA's helped me to relieve feelings of anger and jealousy, and also provide power over the cheater. Also the cheater gets hurt and so RA's provide balance between the cheater and the victim.

In my opinion, only then is R worth. It's not fair if one person cheats and the other gets hurt and plays a saint. That's totally unfair."

Pattiroxxi,

I completely understand your view.

Though many others do not agree, I have no problems with individuals retaliating on people who have injured them.

I am the same way.

There are just some people it is better not to f*ck with in this world....you will not like the response that is coming back at you.

And I also personally agree with your point about R....giving the cheater a taste of their own medicine is the only way I would ever contemplate R as well.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Revenge like that doesn't make you more attractive even if it makes you feel better.

Not being obligated to take someone back doesn't mean you are not still married.

all I see is that you've become damaged goods and you made it clear to everyone by acting like it .


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Fair enough clipclop...I have no problems with the fact you disagree with RA's completely...I know and respect people view these things very differently.

I just thought your put down of him cause he has a different belief and chose another path for himself was a little harsh.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Yeah. Really. Any kids? Or just spousal? For me the $400 wouldn't be worth having a continued relationship with you.


Really unnecessary attack.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "Yeah. Really. Any kids? Or just spousal? For me the $400 wouldn't be worth having a continued relationship with you."
> 
> I fail to see what he did wrong.
> 
> ...


If it helped him heal then he did what he needed to do..I have no problem with it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Someday that kind of situational ethics might bite back.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Someday that kind of situational ethics might bite back.


Ummm..the poster was already bit..pretty hard - don't ya think?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

"revenge is a dish best served cold" (ancient Klingon proverb)


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

clipclop is perfectly entitled to his (or her) point of view. (S)he is an anonymous poster on a web forum. I honestly can't say I'll lose any sleep tonight if (s)he thinks less of me. 

All I can do is speak from my own experience. I waited until I had confirmation that my xW was in an affair and for divorce papers to be filed. I had no intention of taking her back at that point, so for me, waiting any longer was pointless.

Bottom line: my xW wasn't deserving of me continuing to respect the marriage any longer. She literally told me that our marriage wasn't a priority. As far as I'm concerned, that's a two way street. So I kicked her out of my life and did what I wanted. I refused, and still do, to show respect to anyone who treats me in such a manner. 

YMMV
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I refused, and still do, to show respect to anyone who treats me in such a manner."

I agree.

I have always tried to live by the Golden Rule...was raised that way and never have any intention of changing that aspect of my character.

But for me personally, there is also a corollary to the rule:

"Do unto others as they have already done to you."

I will return the favor to anyone who refuses to extend the same courtesy/obligation (ie the Golden Rule) to me.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

No kind of affair is ever beneficial in any circumstance.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> No kind of affair is ever beneficial in any circumstance.


I wouldn't quite go there... marriage counselors, therapists, and divorce attorneys probably benefit *greatly* from them.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I wouldn't quite go there... marriage counselors, therapists, and divorce attorneys probably benefit *greatly* from them.


Uh...okay? Cops benefit from crimes, but does that mean they should be done?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> Uh...okay? Cops benefit from crimes, but does that mean they should be done?


Ariel...

Sarcasm.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "I refused, and still do, to show respect to anyone who treats me in such a manner."
> 
> I agree.
> 
> ...


My corollary to the rule has always been.........

"Due unto to others, before they do it to you".

It has served me very well!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"No kind of affair is ever beneficial in any circumstance."

Ariel,

I know many people, maybe a majority, who would be in total agreement with you.

Some of us just see things differently.

I would never make a statement that I think you, or they are 'wrong'.

In fact, I would argue that for you and others I know, this sentiment in right and correct, and I would never try to convince you otherwise.

But I also refuse to accept that this means others like myself are 'wrong' either.

I believe people have to be true to their own character, and for some of us revenge is not a dirty word or shameful act....at least in my view it is simple justice.

I always make sure to emphasize with family and friends who disagree with my view on revenge though, that it is very easy to avoid my reactions.

SIMPLY DON'T F*CK WITH ME FIRST!

Avoid doing that, and it will never be an issue.

If you refrain from doing me wrong, you will NEVER have to worry about what I might end up doing to you in return.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

workindad said:


> I cannot see how it would be helpful.
> 
> I do understand the temptation though. I just believe that it would have made things even more difficult for me. Especially when I have been asked some candid questions by my children
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know after rethinking this for a few days there is probably one RA that I would be tempted to partake in. If the opportunity to have an affair with POSOM's wife presented... I probably would as long as I was single and she understood why. Yes, an RA designed to fork him over....


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Ariel...
> 
> Sarcasm.


OH my gosh. I feel like a dork now. *facepalm* Sorry, it's hard to tell on the computer. My bad!


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> "No kind of affair is ever beneficial in any circumstance."
> 
> Ariel,
> 
> ...


While I do not agree with revenge personally, and wouldn't do it myself, I can see where you're coming from on wanting to do it and do not blame you or anyone else for that. However, I think it's wrong to mess with the institution of marriage while doing it. Vows are vows and they are sacred.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"However, I think it's wrong to mess with the institution of marriage while doing it. Vows are vows and they are sacred."

Ariel,

I can completely respect that.

I do not know your personal beliefs, but most of my family and many friends would agree with you 100% as they are very religious.

I was raised very religious, but now am agnostic.

As such, I see M as more of a social and civil institution with nothing sacred about it.

I do place primary importance on honesty and truth and believe people in M should live by the vows/promises they made.

But IMO, once one party breaks them, the contract is essentially null and void, so I do not believe the BS has any further obligation to live up to their promises...retaliation is acceptable.

If a couple decide to R, I view it as forming a new contract...IMO the original M is dead and buried...an entirely new relationship has to be built on the ashes of the old one.

In that context, I actually see it as beneficial if the BS gives the WS a taste of their own medicine before committing to R....the pain of infidelity will always be part of the new parameters of the new M and I think its good if both spouses equally understand what this means.

If a BS has no desire to R but just wants a D, then I actually see no point to an RA....the utter rejection, with contempt and disdain, that comes with an immediate D for infidelity is ample retaliation for the wrong done.

I know it certainly was for my LTgf who I immediately kicked to the curb when her cheating was exposed....total rejection hurts, and she ended up getting two doses of it cause she came back begging for another chance 8 months later.

If I had stayed with her though, I would have definitely made sure she truly understood the pain and hurt of infidelity though....the RA would have come very quickly and have been revealed to her by myself.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> "However, I think it's wrong to mess with the institution of marriage while doing it. Vows are vows and they are sacred."
> 
> Ariel,
> 
> ...


Yes, I am very religious as well  and I respect your opinion.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

ariel_angel77 said:


> OH my gosh. I feel like a dork now. *facepalm* Sorry, it's hard to tell on the computer. My bad!


It's cool. :smthumbup:


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> If you refrain from doing me wrong, you will NEVER have to worry about what I might end up doing to you in return.



It wasn't that long ago in terms of human history that revenge was the biggest deterrent to crime. You didn't steal your neighbor's goat because he would take something of equal or greater value back. Or just kill you. 

We are wired to extract revenge. If we can't, we want to see some sort of justice against the perpetrator. A consequence of some sort. When someone wrongs us and we are unable (or choose not to) extract revenge and there is no consequence, then we will carry anger and resent the perpetrator. 

So, I see where the concept of an RA comes from. But in a great majority of cases I don't think it would provide long term relief.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

I like the idea of all reconciliations starting out as open marriages. I think that might be the only way to make things fair to the BS. They should tell the WS that until further notice no sexual vows will be honored. That doesn't mean the BS has to chase down an affair partner until they feel like it....they should do that on their own time. Do I think the WS should accept that? You bet I do.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Leafwhisper said:


> Ok, so I am getting everything in order. I'm collecting concrete evidence of his affair (which I've now documented hotel stays back to September), I've consulted an attorney to find out my options, I'm looking at options to get self sufficient financially, and I made an appointment for next week to get checked for STD's. Overall I'm heading in a positive direction, but I'm still dealing with anger and resentment issues (he couldn't watch the kids last night because of work, but then I found out he was at the hotel). I can't throw him out for another couple of months when I'll be better off financially.
> 
> When I was reading other threads someone made the comment that the marriage contract was voided when the WS started the affair. If that is true, is it ever beneficial for the BS to go out and have their own affair? Or is it better to wait until after formal separation or divorce? This thing is going to take a while and it really ticks me off that he's out having fun in the hotel while I haven't had proper affection in years. I could sit back and do the whole be the better person thing, but why should I really have to? Of course I would let the guy know the deal and would never hook up with someone who was married (though I did have a fleeting thought of hooking up with the OW's husband, because I know nothing would tick her off more than that).


When your kids are adult enough to truly understand what happened, don't you want to be able to show them what kind of person you are and what kind of "cough cough" person your H is.

What does sex mean to you? Do you really want to turn it into a weapon? Get past this. Find a man who's WORTHY of your love and returns your feelings. Bring sex back in and have it mean something beautiful.

When I got back into dating, one of my filters was any woman who was a cheater. I had ZERO interest. I didn't mean she'd cheat on me, but why should I take that risk. So keep in mind all of the other areas in your life that get affected by that decision.


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