# 28 Years of marriage binned....Shocked



## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

My wife returned from a holiday just 3 Sundays ago, all seemed fine for a few hours, then she dropped a bomb right in my lap. My wife asked me if i loved her and this threw me off kilter a bit, i didn't reply but she went on to tell me that she has been having a sexual relationship with a guy from work who is considerably younger than her, she loved him and told me that our marriage was over, this was totally shocking to me, i am still after 3 weeks suffering like a hell/.
A bit of background, my wife was only 15 when we met, i was 16, we had a tumultuous relationship from the outset as she had problems of low self esteem and everything bothered her, we married 5 years later against some advice i was given but i thought i could change her. I was wrong, very wrong. during our marriage my wife embarked on many affairs, blaming her low self esteem as the main reasons, i always bought this crap from her and carried on. 

Lately we have seemed to be getting on well, we lived separate lives under the same roof, no arguments, no money problems, i got enough from her to think i was contented, but it is now patently obvious she was very dissatisfied with me. Loyalty, love, companionship is what i gave, she wanted sex with a new man, love, respect and a new life he could provide and she jumped straight in.

The reason i am writing on this site is to help me see it all in writing and looking for some advice on a way forward that does not damage me any more than has already happened over the last weeks. My advice to anyone who is going through this is to make one big change in their lives, mine was diet, i gave up eating crap food, keeping it simple so far has made feel a little better.

I can't and never will understand what has happened through my marriage to make a partner do so much damage but never leave, never grasp that this behavior is so belittling to both of us, so much rebuilding over the years, time i wish i had back to better develop myself into the caring man i know i am, that might seem a bit soppy but i firmly believe that a couple both want the same things out of each other but the forces of evil transpire to stop us thinking straight with the inevitable results. 

Love and peace to all.

KevinZX:smile2:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She never left because you allowed her to have her cake and eat it! Of course now she wants to leave cause she has set up the next man to be there for her.

Dump her, this woman is a lost cause. Do the 180, get back to the gym, focus on yourself. Get a lawyer and ask her to move out, sort out your finances and move on. 
She is a serial cheater who is basically using you as her banker. Stop that **** now! 

if you have older kids, tell them, expose her to all family and friends. Let her handle the shame. You cannot change her so don't even bother trying. 

How old are you? You can meet a decent woman who will not do this to you.

Of course she blames you, her low self esteem etc, typical cheater, never take responsibility, blame shift all the time. It may not feel like it now but you are well rid of her. Kick her to the kerb and dont let the door hit her on the way out.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You did your best....she did your best man. Not really but you get the drift.

She is too immature for a monogamous relationship. 

I would tell you to let her go, but she did that for you.

You can never understand what happened in your marriage? What happened to her?

It is simple.....

She does not want to be held to the notion, "One man, One woman". Maybe [she will] one day in the future, but not with you.

You still have a good heart, a good head and still have some tail feathers to attract another Lady Bird.

Divorce her. Find a good bird, a loyal bird, a kind bird, a confident bird.

And you MUST find a compatible bird. A women who enjoys doing what you like to do, and you enjoy her activities. Compatibility is the TOP and most important thing in a marriage.

NO MAN is going to be compatible with your Cowbird wife. She is a Cuckoo. She lays her body in other men's nests. And they frantically try to fertilize her eggs.

Get an Atlantic Puffin, they mate for life. Stay away from Canadian Geese. They are too frisky for my tastes. They poop on your parade.......Ask @Hope1964


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## getting it together (Jun 28, 2017)

Wow, Kevin. That well and totally sucks. Basically the same for me. Change a few characters and a bit of script. My 25 year marriage is down the tubes (just now). It is a difficult road. Do what aine advises. Stay active. Look after yourself. Get stronger. Move on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> The reason i am writing on this site is to help me see it all in writing and looking for some advice on a way forward that does not damage me any more than has already happened over the last weeks. My advice to anyone who is going through this is to make one big change in their lives, mine was diet, i gave up eating crap food, keeping it simple so far has made feel a little better.
> 
> KevinZX:smile2:


If you use them, these should help you forward...

The 180

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Best


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

24 years for me, although I seriously doubt there was any cheating. I feel for you and I am sorry you are here.

But as others have said, FOCUS ON YOUR SELF, not for her, not for the relationship, just for your self. Find out what YOU want, find out what YOU need. Discover who YOU are. Become the best version of your self that you can be. In doing so, you will attract the best match or matches for your self.

I do not subscribe to the school of thought that you MUST be with someone else. Find your self and you will never be alone. It will not happen over night. You will take two steps forward, one step back. Sometimes you will take three steps back and no steps forward. It doesn't matter. The journey is not a straight line. Every effort made to move forward is a learning opportunity, the steps backwards are just new lessons learned. Your marriage being the biggest so far.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am sorry for you. Unfortunately a person who had an affair is proven to have no loyalty. You take an awful risk when you stay. I actually surprised that you are shocked, this was always the path you were headed to. She is really not marriage materiel. You are a support system to her like a parent. This was your only real failing. You romanticized her. Lots of people do that. But the time for doing that is over now. 

Why not move on, get some help and have the possibility of enjoying the rest of your life with someone who is loyal. You will be shocked again if you do because you will realize how little you settled for and how great it can be with someone who really loves with loyalty attached. She is not the only one with low self esteem I am afraid. Why don't you think you are worth more? Why have you settled? This is what you need to find out. Your life is not over unless you stay trapped with this defective person.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Do you love her? If so why didn't you reply when asked?

I ask not to blame you..... she is poor marriage material. You guys were way too young and she wasn't ready..... in all likelihood neither were you from an emotional standpoint, but I'm getting that you remained faithful? If so good for you, you can hold your head up. 

I ask because while you are in shock right now do not confuse love with comfort. You are comfortable because she's all you know, but I don't get the impression you actually love her all that much. Might make moving on easier for you. 

If I'm wrong feel free to correct me.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do you love her? If so why didn't you reply when asked?
> 
> I ask not to blame you..... she is poor marriage material. You guys were way too young and she wasn't ready..... in all likelihood neither were you from an emotional standpoint, but I'm getting that you remained faithful? If so good for you, you can hold your head up.
> 
> ...


And it ain't all that comfortable. Once you live in Paris it's hard to go back to the shack you lived in and think it wasn't just a shack. He just hasn't been to Paris yet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

sokillme said:


> And it ain't all that comfortable. Once you live in Paris it's hard to go back to the shack you lived in and think it wasn't just a shack. He just hasn't been to Paris yet.


Well that is true but she's the devil he knows.....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your "wife" never has been truly vested in your marriage. Do yourself the hugest of favors and divorce her. Life is entirely too short to spend it this way, and you deserve so much better.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> My wife returned from a holiday just 3 Sundays ago, all seemed fine for a few hours, then she dropped a bomb right in my lap. My wife asked me if i loved her and this threw me off kilter a bit, i didn't reply
> 
> 
> we married 5 years later against some advice i was given but i thought i could change her.
> ...



So you picked up a damaged baby bird out of the nest. 

Then you married her at a young and naïve age against the advice of people who knew better. 

You thought you could transform her into something else. 

She cheats on you repeatedly and comes up with nebulous and nonsensical excuses for why she gets in other men's beds. 

You say, "oh, okay." and you stay with her but lead separate lives where you have no intimacy or passion and you can't even answer the question when she asks if you love her. 

I don't believe in or condone cheating per se, but I can't say that I blame her for wanting to move on and create a new life for herself. 

I am not saying that you are bad guy or that you are unworthy of love and commitment. But it is obvious that you were in a roommate arrangement and it's normal for people to want to have a full-service relationship that also includes erotic love and intimacy and sexuality. 

Yes, she "should" have given you notice that she was dissatisfied in her marriage and given you the opportunity to step up and she "should" have made a formal declaration of divorce before getting into someone else's bed.

But there are never any guarentees of someone else's behavior in this world and if you live a separate life with someone as roommates, there is going to be a realistic risk that they are going to take up with someone else without following all the 'rules' to the letter. 

I have the feeling the reason you have tolerated her adultery and allowed her to remain in the marriage following all her affairs is that you simply want a Wife Appliance in the house to provide some modicum of companionship, to help out with household tasks and to keep up appearances with the family and neighbors. 

That is just simply not enough for some people. 

They may be OK to mark time for awhile if they don't have any other options or offers on the table for awhile, but once someone comes along that trips their trigger and makes them an offer.... they can be packed and out of the house in an amazingly short period of time. 

My advice here is to dig deep into your soul and admit to yourself that you too were dissatisfied with this arrangement and that you too want more out of a relationship as well. Then confront your fear of being alone and seek professional assistance if you need to and then move on with your own life and seek your own happiness and well being and do not settle for some weak and damaged cheater.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> , Lately we have seemed to be getting on well, we lived separate lives under the same roof, no arguments, no money problems, i got enough from her to think i was contented, but it is now patently obvious she was very dissatisfied with me. Loyalty, love, companionship is what i gave, she wanted sex with a new man, love, respect and a new life he could provide and she jumped straight in.
> 
> 
> :


I am not trying to be an arse and I don't want to belabor the point too much, but I get on well with the cashier at my corner grocery store. We never argue, we smile say hello and I always try to give her small bills.

I am satisfied with our customer/cashier relationship, but I would understand if she jumps straight in if someone offers her a full service relationship instead t offering pleasantries while ringing up my groceries.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

You wrote your own answer. You were living separate lives under the same roof. That is not love and your wife needed more than that. Does not require a lot of digging to see why this happened. I have had sex with a few married women in my younger days; some with the permission or knowledge of their husbands. What usually happens is that the husband takes the wife for granted, does not tell her how sexy she is or ring her bell in bed. She no longer feels desirable and her husband no longer takes her out on the town to show her off or just have fun. She longs for the feeling she had during her courtship phase where she had a reason to shave her legs and more, plus wear sexy clothes. She gets that from a new man and sex with a new partner is always more exciting as it is genetically designed to be. Monogamy is a construct of society, not our natural state. 

Sex produces the Hormone Oxytocin whose sole purpose is to emotionally bond a couple together so that they mate and stay together until the child can survive without both parents. So your wife is being taken for granted and fueled by Oxytocin from a younger and probably more fit man. Her husband is content just sharing the house with him and he is surprised that she needs more. This was a locomotive coming at you full speed blaring its horn for the last 10 miles and you did not see it. My sister tried living under the same roof as her husband and she met a new guy and they got divorced. Big surprise.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

KevinZX said:


> I can't and never will understand what has happened through my marriage to make a partner do so much damage but never leave


I'm sorry you have been hurt by this. That said the following should tell you exactly why.



KevinZX said:


> *i thought i could change her*. I was wrong, very wrong. during our marriage *my wife embarked on many affairs*, blaming her low self esteem as the main reasons, *i always bought this crap from her and carried on*.


In answer to that which is quoted below, you would do well to stop doing that which is quoted above.



KevinZX said:


> The reason i am writing on this site is to help me see it all in writing and looking for some advice on a way forward that does not damage me any more than has already happened over the last weeks.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

People have it summed it up good already. You never had a marriage. You have done great harm to your boy showing him this is what a marriage looks like. Do you want him to be just like you? 

What are shocked about? She did you and her a favor. She left the house? You have it good. So many guys on this site are fighting with their cheating wives over the house or still sharing it with them. It's called glass half full. Start looking at the positive in everything. Time to work on yourself. Get a good therapist. How much overweight are you? Hit gym 5x a week. Drink only water. Get the diet 100% healthy. Only you can make yourself happy, so get started. 

You'll be ready to date in 6-12 months and have a woman that wants your **** 24/7. Your new life has begun, don't mess it up!

Don't tell others you are shocked. Tell them you are happy the sham of a marriage is over and you get a redo at life. Be honest with everyone, mainly yourself.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> My wife returned from a holiday just 3 Sundays ago, all seemed fine for a few hours, then she dropped a bomb right in my lap. My wife asked me if i loved her and this threw me off kilter a bit, i didn't reply but she went on to tell me that she has been having a sexual relationship with a guy from work who is considerably younger than her, she loved him and told me that our marriage was over, this was totally shocking to me, i am still after 3 weeks suffering like a hell/.
> A bit of background, my wife was only 15 when we met, i was 16, we had a tumultuous relationship from the outset as she had problems of low self esteem and everything bothered her, we married 5 years later against some advice i was given but i thought i could change her. I was wrong, very wrong. during our marriage my wife embarked on many affairs, blaming her low self esteem as the main reasons, i always bought this crap from her and carried on.
> 
> Lately we have seemed to be getting on well, we lived separate lives under the same roof, no arguments, no money problems, i got enough from her to think i was contented, but it is now patently obvious she was very dissatisfied with me. Loyalty, love, companionship is what i gave, she wanted sex with a new man, love, respect and a new life he could provide and she jumped straight in.
> ...


Sorry to hear this Kevin it sucks bad I was married 12 but you grow so comfortable with life that you accept less than you deserve because of fear of the unknown, I did this I thought I was happy and there were times I was but not as happy as i thought I was and my XW was not as great as I thought she was either. No one deserves to be cheated on and once the initial shock wears of you will start to feel better and see her for what she really is, not saying you wont be down at times I still am but keep busy, rebuild or strengthen existing friendships and family ties, do things you couldn't do while married, work out or find a new or start an old hobby again, she was not the person you thought she was so the faster you start going your own way the better. As my counselor told me 'you just need to find a new normal'


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Unfortunately, you married a lady with no moral values. Her new relationship will almost certainly not work, but she would probably cheat again anyway so ending the marriage will be doing you a favour in the long run.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Get out. Get Lawyer. File. Expose her affair to her work place, friends and family. 180 and don't be nice. Don't be cruel either. Just stand up for yourself. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Kevin, I was married twice and both were cheaters. I have concluded that for a person to be able to cheat they do not have the capacity of love, perhaps I am wrong.She has her issues and you have to see it as that. you might not understand how things came about or why she id what she did.....my first husband and I divorced 32 years ago.....I dearly loved the man and thought he felt the same and maybe he did but when your spouse cheats on you it changes everything in your world.

Here is some of the logic I adopted and tell myself that has helped....."I love this person enough to let them go," has helped me a great deal. They have to find their way. And "You cannot make anyone love you." Our partners have right to change their mind and we have to live with their actions. We just have to mourn our loss, pick up the pieces and move on.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Kevin,

I'm usually a voice of "change the dynamic" and see what happens. But, it appears the hour is very late in this relationship.

I would go totally nuclear and expose her behavior... in the workplace, Facebook, friends and family... hers, yours, etc.

Keep a VAR on you to protect yourself in case she freaks out and accuses you of criminal behavior.

Just bite your upper lip and do this.

Report regularly and let's see what happens.

BTW, make an appointment with a lawyer.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I have been financially worse off since my wife left 4 weeks ago, she was almost gloating that her new man is providing everything for her, she keeps her salary for herself, lucky her. My reason for posting today is to get your thoughts on whether i should charge her for her share of the bills, quite a bit of money each month, she is joint owner of our mortgaged house, other weekly bills she is responsible for that i have always paid, would i be right in asking for half as it would make a real difference to me at least having some money left for stuff i need.

Love and peace always

KevinZX


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@KevinZX, 

Please don't tell us you haven't yet contacted a lawyer/solicitor to find out your responsibilities and protect yourself financially? 

It is imperative that you seek legal advice, ASAP! 

Do not be passive about this and allow yourself to be taken advantage of, trying to be nice. 

It's not wrong to ask that things be fair to you. 

Best


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> I have been financially worse off since my wife left 4 weeks ago, she was almost gloating that her new man is providing everything for her, she keeps her salary for herself, lucky her. My reason for posting today is to get your thoughts on whether i should charge her for her share of the bills, quite a bit of money each month, she is joint owner of our mortgaged house, other weekly bills she is responsible for that i have always paid, would i be right in asking for half as it would make a real difference to me at least having some money left for stuff i need.
> 
> Love and peace always
> 
> KevinZX


This is a question for a lawyer/solicitor as laws vary. You really do need to get the legal ball rolling to protect yourself. You don't want late payments or a foreclosure on your credit. You also don't want to be legally liable for anything she does now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> I have been financially worse off since my wife left 4 weeks ago, she was almost gloating that her new man is providing everything for her, she keeps her salary for herself, lucky her. My reason for posting today is to get your thoughts on whether i should charge her for her share of the bills, quite a bit of money each month, she is joint owner of our mortgaged house, other weekly bills she is responsible for that i have always paid, would i be right in asking for half as it would make a real difference to me at least having some money left for stuff i need.
> 
> Love and peace always
> 
> KevinZX


YES!!!!!!!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> I have been financially worse off since my wife left 4 weeks ago, she was almost gloating that her new man is providing everything for her, she keeps her salary for herself, lucky her. My reason for posting today is to get your thoughts on whether i should charge her for her share of the bills, quite a bit of money each month, she is joint owner of our mortgaged house, other weekly bills she is responsible for that i have always paid, would i be right in asking for half as it would make a real difference to me at least having some money left for stuff i need.
> 
> Love and peace always
> 
> KevinZX


 Get some legal advice.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> I have been financially worse off since my wife left 4 weeks ago, she was almost gloating that her new man is providing everything for her, she keeps her salary for herself, lucky her. My reason for posting today is to get your thoughts on whether i should charge her for her share of the bills, quite a bit of money each month, she is joint owner of our mortgaged house, other weekly bills she is responsible for that i have always paid, would i be right in asking for half as it would make a real difference to me at least having some money left for stuff i need.
> 
> Love and peace always
> 
> KevinZX


You can try but she will say no or just blow you off. Then what? This is just another of the issues that occur when separations start without any legal paperwork done and the longer it goes on the worse it is. She is fully entrenched in affairland. She doesn't care about bills, credit ratings etc. It's all going to just magically get done in her head. 

You need to get legal representation and get some sort of formal legal agreement in place.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It would certainly be fair for her to pay towards keeping up the home, which she not only has a responsibility for but is where her children live. The law, however, may not be in full agreement.

I think you need a lawyer so that you not only get your rights protected but so that you don't screw anything up by doing it yourself. You could, possibly, set a precedent by asking for or by agreeing to something. There is a legal system, not a justice system. This is why you need a lawyer. Doubly so because there are children involved.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is ABSOLUTELY responsible for half of the expenses for the home you have together! Make damn sure you document EVERYTHING, keep track of every single thing you pay for, dates, amounts, etc, since the day she left. You can try to get her to pay her share, but she likely will not cooperate (why should she? you havent made her do a damn thing so far...) so make sure you do everything via email and text so you have proof. She will owe you those expenses.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

A little update, over 5 weeks now since my wife left, it has been hard at times i will admit, but to be honest i feel so much better than i did a fortnight ago, i still feel a bit fragile and i haven't done much apart from concentrate on me and my son, he is great and talks openly about his mother but i am trying to steer him towards a positive relationship with his mother although this isn't easy all the time. I have been taking all the advice i got here, it really has made a difference to me, i weigh less, we eat better, i have a much improved relationship with my son, and the list goes on. We are individuals on here with our own unique problems, but following some simple steps can lead to an improved state of mind, even if this is sometimes temporary at times, it still makes sense to try and improve oneself and yesterday is soon enough to get this started. I have accepted my wife is gone and honestly i can't and won't have her back in my life as she is a liar and serial cheat, i would be living on my nerves for the rest f my life if i did that. The future is kinda scary and i have yet to break the news to my family, this i am dreading, but it will happen soon. One never knows what lies in front of them but i am determined to love again, a woman that might appreciate a hardworking empathetic man who wants to improve everybody's lives he comes into contact with then i will be happy again.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> A little update, over 5 weeks now since my wife left, it has been hard at times i will admit, but to be honest i feel so much better than i did a fortnight ago, i still feel a bit fragile and i haven't done much apart from concentrate on me and my son, he is great and talks openly about his mother but i am trying to steer him towards a positive relationship with his mother although this isn't easy all the time. I have been taking all the advice i got here, it really has made a difference to me, i weigh less, we eat better, i have a much improved relationship with my son, and the list goes on. We are individuals on here with our own unique problems, but following some simple steps can lead to an improved state of mind, even if this is sometimes temporary at times, it still makes sense to try and improve oneself and yesterday is soon enough to get this started. I have accepted my wife is gone and honestly i can't and won't have her back in my life as she is a liar and serial cheat, i would be living on my nerves for the rest f my life if i did that. The future is kinda scary and i have yet to break the news to my family, this i am dreading, but it will happen soon. One never knows what lies in front of them but i am determined to love again, a woman that might appreciate a hardworking empathetic man who wants to improve everybody's lives he comes into contact with then i will be happy again.


Good for you KevinZX. Stay the course, practice the 180 and if you haven't seen a lawyer yet, please please do and learn all of your rights. Your wife is now a stranger. She is not the woman you thought you knew. That was a fantasy. You have started to learn to live without the fantasy, and once you know the fantasy for what it is and you put some distance between yourself and it/her, it feels so much better doesn't it? There's a different life out there waiting for you...


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good update, Kevin. 

One step at a time.

Best


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kevin, work on you and do not worry about her or finding another woman, you need time to heal without rushing headlong into another relationship and bringing all the baggage with you. 
Take care


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

ok guys, six weeks into the separation, things at my end are going well, following the 180 closely, she is contacting my son by text, she is not contacting me as i am not contacting her. I know she would like contact with me, but her new man is paranoid she will leave him and return to her home, which is what i don't want. Is ignoring her the right thing always? I know she still needs me in her life but that is for selfish reasons only, i don't need her at all. I know that following the 180 has it's benefits for me, but is it really all about moving on or is it a sort of punishment for the other person. I don't want to hurt her like she has hurt me, but it can't be about revenge as that is something i would dislike, i am not a vengeful person.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kevin, the 180 is for you to emotionally detach and move on. Please keep no contact, tell her to contact your lawyer or via email, you need that kind of space from her.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

This it's where you may slip, Kevin. It's okay to do things that put your intrest first. This 180 is a basic list that teaches you how to do that. In no way do these behaviors harm or punish her or others. They only promote healthy individual boundries that foster respect. If she's showing dismay or anoyance it's only because she's not use to you you being less codependent on her.

How goes your reading?

Best

Sent from my SM-T700 using Tapatalk


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Good job Kevin! You are on the right path to a better life. Just take it easy, be kind to yourself and realize you will have good and bad days for a while but the bad will decrease with time. As someone once explained to me "You are getting a do over opportunity."


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

My brother told me years ago that some women/men are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another branch, i thought my wife was like that, she got a firm grip on another man but seems very reluctant to let me go, only been 6 weeks but i have been encouraging her to let go, but no, she still has a grip on me. I want her to go and live her life with her new man as our marriage from my point of view has been very unhealthy for me, and now i am free from her i feel so much better and i don't really miss her. Will it be just a matter of time before she lets go of me or if i don't really push her will she just hang on forever.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> My brother told me years ago that some women/men are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another branch, i thought my wife was like that, she got a firm grip on another man but seems very reluctant to let me go, only been 6 weeks but i have been encouraging her to let go, but no, she still has a grip on me. I want her to go and live her life with her new man as our marriage from my point of view has been very unhealthy for me, and now i am free from her i feel so much better and i don't really miss her. Will it be just a matter of time before she lets go of me or if i don't really push her will she just hang on forever.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


This happened to my husband with his ex-wife. Even though she was dating another man and was divorcing him, she still expected him go to round and do things for her and help her with paper work even after we were engaged. In the end he had to plainly tell her by letter that she wasn't to contact him unless it was an emergency concerning the boys(who were both adults by then). She just wouldn't cut the ties so he had to. It worked.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> My brother told me years ago that some women/men are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another branch, i thought my wife was like that, she got a firm grip on another man but seems very reluctant to let me go, only been 6 weeks but i have been encouraging her to let go, but no, she still has a grip on me. I want her to go and live her life with her new man as our marriage from my point of view has been very unhealthy for me, and now i am free from her i feel so much better and i don't really miss her. Will it be just a matter of time before she lets go of me or if i don't really push her will she just hang on forever.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Kevin,

Perhaps she's too respectful of posOM to expect him to put up with her crap. So, she shovels it on you.

If you think of it that way, it may inspire you to remedy this situation.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> My brother told me years ago that some women/men are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another branch, i thought my wife was like that, she got a firm grip on another man but seems very reluctant to let me go, only been 6 weeks but i have been encouraging her to let go, but no, she still has a grip on me. I want her to go and live her life with her new man as our marriage from my point of view has been very unhealthy for me, and now i am free from her i feel so much better and i don't really miss her. Will it be just a matter of time before she lets go of me or if i don't really push her will she just hang on forever.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


I'm not sure most of those monkey branchers would consider 6 weeks to be a firm grip. It's a grip, but how firm remains to be seen.

If you want her to let go, make her. File for the divorce.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

my wife had a six month EA with this guy, so leaving me six weeks ago makes it over seven months, but still she hangs on to me, meeting her wednesday for coffee, i will start the de-gripping of me then, she has to lye in the bed she has made for herself, regrets or no regrets, it is too late for regrets this end.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

KevinZX,

Given all the affairs your WW has had you are not losing a wife so much as you are losing a rebellious daughter. I don't think you've been a husband or lover to her since forever, but were just a long suffering source of stability and parent to her. It's time for you to have a life with a woman who actually loves you.

Tamat


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> my wife had a six month EA with this guy, so leaving me six weeks ago makes it over seven months, but still she hangs on to me, meeting her wednesday for coffee, i will start the de-gripping of me then, she has to lye in the bed she has made for herself, regrets or no regrets, it is too late for regrets this end.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


They rarely let go of plan b. You pretty much have to force them away. Some just go away over time, some it seems never fully go away. 

Why are you meeting her? What do you hope to accomplish? Anything divorce related you should have your lawyer talking to her. If your planning some grand meeting telling her your done etc, it's a futile effort and she won't be listening to what you have to say.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

We are meeting to discuss our son, he lives with me, it isn't easy trying to balance my needs by not seeing her and my son who wants to keep close contact, she is using this an excuse to keep seeing me, she pays me compliments but i am wise to her games, no chance she is keeping me has her plan b.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> my wife had a six month EA with this guy, so leaving me six weeks ago makes it over seven months, but still she hangs on to me, meeting her wednesday for coffee, i will start the de-gripping of me then, she has to lye in the bed she has made for herself, regrets or no regrets, it is too late for regrets this end.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


She can only hold onto you so long as you enable her to do so. Rip off that bandaid, no contact except regarding your son. PERIOD.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> She can only hold onto you so long as you enable her to do so. Rip off that bandaid, no contact except regarding your son. PERIOD.


Exit the Drama Triangle as the persecutor.

No more rescuing.

She manages her own life. No exceptions.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> my wife had a six month EA with this guy, so leaving me six weeks ago makes it over seven months, but still she hangs on to me, meeting her wednesday for coffee, i will start the de-gripping of me then, she has to lye in the bed she has made for herself, regrets or no regrets, it is too late for regrets this end.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


 So why are you meeting her for coffee?
Tell her she has made her choice and that you want no more contact except specifically about the children. Best to say this by email or letter, you don't need to meet.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Kevin, you have to go NO CONTACT now, let her clean up her own mess, no longer your problem.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Kevin,

One reason to maintain contact is to become her OM, emotionally only, and then bust her to her current dude or dudes.

Tamat


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Do not meet with her........ever again, starting now!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> ok guys, six weeks into the separation, things at my end are going well, following the 180 closely, she is contacting my son by text, she is not contacting me as i am not contacting her. I know she would like contact with me, but her new man is paranoid she will leave him and return to her home, which is what i don't want. Is ignoring her the right thing always? I know she still needs me in her life but that is for selfish reasons only, i don't need her at all. I know that following the 180 has it's benefits for me, but is it really all about moving on or is it a sort of punishment for the other person. I don't want to hurt her like she has hurt me, but it can't be about revenge as that is something i would dislike, i am not a vengeful person.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Quit being so naive. 

The 180 is for you. It's not about revenge it's about getting someone out of your life that is nothing but a negative affect. 

People like you get played and walked on. For gods sake you have a son that will learn from you. Think about that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> My brother told me years ago that some women/men are like monkeys, they never let go of one branch until they have a firm grip on another branch, i thought my wife was like that, she got a firm grip on another man but seems very reluctant to let me go, only been 6 weeks but i have been encouraging her to let go, but no, she still has a grip on me. I want her to go and live her life with her new man as our marriage from my point of view has been very unhealthy for me, and now i am free from her i feel so much better and i don't really miss her. Will it be just a matter of time before she lets go of me or if i don't really push her will she just hang on forever.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


OH cmon!!!! You can't do what's best for you or your son? This is your choice to let her hang on because you can't cut it off. This isn't about her it's your unwillingness to let her go. 

Quit making excuses


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Kevin,
> 
> One reason to maintain contact is to become her OM, emotionally only, and then bust her to her current dude or dudes.
> 
> Tamat


This is nice in theory.

It's not how it will work.

You're way too close to this to mess around as some sort of emotional support.

Making some sort of effort to turn her in will get ugly... fast.

Stay strong... and stay away.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I really take all advice from this forum very seriously, i have seen a real difference in myself and how i think about the future and that is mostly down to the people who have contributed to my posts regarding my seperation etc. I met my wife yesterday to update her on our son who stays with me, it was a meeting lasting about 45 mins, her lunch hour, over coffee. Now to the point of this post, although my wife has been horrible to me over our marriage as i have posted, this meeting is the first that i felt i had the upper hand, what i mean by this is that i controlled the chat, i took the initiative, she looked a little vulnerable but i didn't let this get into the conversation and i stuck to what i wanted to talk about. After i dropped her back at her office i felt nothing but a kind of relief that i am no longer with her, for the first time i fet that i had moved on from her and i love the feeling it gave me. I know it is still early days, 6 Weeks, but i feel so much stronger in myself, i have plans that i didn't tell her about as i normally confess all, my business is now private from her, that also is something new, it feels great. She wants me to tell all about my life without her but that is not going to happen, no way, she wants regular contact with my son and this i encourage, but it doesn't mean she gets any say in what we do when she isn't around. My wife was always a closed book and she accused me of not talking, well now the shoe is on the other foot, i don't want to know what she is up to with her new squeeze, i am over that hurdle, but i won't tell her anything about me other than how my life affects our son, this will be minimally so she wont be finding out too much if anything, i am the good guy here keeping her abreast of our sons life but this does not obligate me to fess anything i feel isn't her business. I jumped out bed this morning, she never crossed my mind for four hours at least, miracles do come true.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Great. The clouds are breaking and it's the start of a new day.

Just keep an umbrella handy for the occasional drizzle 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up this will help. It's short

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> I really take all advice from this forum very seriously, i have seen a real difference in myself and how i think about the future and that is mostly down to the people who have contributed to my posts regarding my seperation etc. I met my wife yesterday to update her on our son who stays with me, it was a meeting lasting about 45 mins, her lunch hour, over coffee. Now to the point of this post, although my wife has been horrible to me over our marriage as i have posted, this meeting is the first that i felt i had the upper hand, what i mean by this is that i controlled the chat, i took the initiative, she looked a little vulnerable but i didn't let this get into the conversation and i stuck to what i wanted to talk about. After i dropped her back at her office i felt nothing but a kind of relief that i am no longer with her, for the first time i fet that i had moved on from her and i love the feeling it gave me. I know it is still early days, 6 Weeks, but i feel so much stronger in myself, i have plans that i didn't tell her about as i normally confess all, my business is now private from her, that also is something new, it feels great. She wants me to tell all about my life without her but that is not going to happen, no way, she wants regular contact with my son and this i encourage, but it doesn't mean she gets any say in what we do when she isn't around. My wife was always a closed book and she accused me of not talking, well now the shoe is on the other foot, i don't want to know what she is up to with her new squeeze, i am over that hurdle, but i won't tell her anything about me other than how my life affects our son, this will be minimally so she wont be finding out too much if anything, i am the good guy here keeping her abreast of our sons life but this does not obligate me to fess anything i feel isn't her business. I jumped out bed this morning, she never crossed my mind for four hours at least, miracles do come true.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Good to see you making progress.  Now, DONT MEET WITH HER AGAIN. Also, there is no need for you to "keep her abreast" of what is going on with your son's life. The only contact you should be making is regarding schedule changes, school events, illness and emergencies. Its good that you have realized that what goes on in your life is no longer her business, and you for sure dont need to be her sounding board for hers.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

How quick we are to condemn the guilty, if only we could be in their shoes for a moment to really understand the motive and mood of the person when committing the crime. I have been reeling over the last seven weeks since my wife took her PA to the next level and moved in with her new man, i have felt every emotion i think their is to feel but i have come through this to a new dawn after a lot of advice from TAM etc, i am a stable kind of person who can think things through logically, get to a better place and i know i can move on from here, i am lucky in that i have a nice home and some money, a job, and a son who loves me, not everybody is so lucky. 

Now to the point of this post, i have just listened to a radio programme on the BBC relating to a murder of a cheating partner, not too uncommon a story i know, but when i listened to the facts of the case it made my blood run cold, it was almost a mirror of my own life with my wife, lifelong cheater with no moral scruples at all, many EA's and PA's and a downright disrespect of the marital vows she told me in church. Now back to the case in hand, the killing of this person was brought about by an out of control episode where the person had had enough and with nowhere to turn for help with housing etc, the victim was approached in the street where a fight took place and the victim was punched to the ground sustaining a head injury that was fatal. An arrest was made very quickly with a guilty plea with diminished responsibility lodged with the court, this was accepted and the killer was jailed for life with parole after 10 years. 

The victim was the spouse of the perpetrator and had lost the house, money, job, watched the new person move in, drive a car the perpetrator paid for, whilst being potless, denied access to the kids, all for being the breadwinner with no history of abuse, no EA or no PA, just a grafter looking after a family that was loved but a spouse that didn't reciprocate, a thief, an all round bad person. I do not condone violence in any way whatsoever and this should never have happened, period, but the feelings that one harbours when abandoned would maybe make some of us think the unthinkable and do the unnatural, i wish i could have talked to this person and saved them from himself, for the crime their must be punishment, but god forbid any of us from sinking that low where a moment's madness has such repercussions.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> How quick we are to condemn the guilty, if only we could be in their shoes for a moment to really understand the motive and mood of the person when committing the crime. I have been reeling over the last seven weeks since my wife took her PA to the next level and moved in with her new man, i have felt every emotion i think their is to feel but i have come through this to a new dawn after a lot of advice from TAM etc, i am a stable kind of person who can think things through logically, get to a better place and i know i can move on from here, i am lucky in that i have a nice home and some money, a job, and a son who loves me, not everybody is so lucky.
> 
> Now to the point of this post, i have just listened to a radio programme on the BBC relating to a murder of a cheating partner, not too uncommon a story i know, but when i listened to the facts of the case it made my blood run cold, it was almost a mirror of my own life with my wife, lifelong cheater with no moral scruples at all, many EA's and PA's and a downright disrespect of the marital vows she told me in church. Now back to the case in hand, the killing of this person was brought about by an out of control episode where the person had had enough and with nowhere to turn for help with housing etc, the victim was approached in the street where a fight took place and the victim was punched to the ground sustaining a head injury that was fatal. An arrest was made very quickly with a guilty plea with diminished responsibility lodged with the court, this was accepted and the killer was jailed for life with parole after 10 years.
> 
> ...


Kevin,

We hear all the time about athletes that get in really strange situations in their personal lives. Many times, these are immature people that have always gotten their way. People kissed their rear ends all the way up the line, then a girl wants to dump them, take their kid, whatever. It's not altogether unusual for such situations to end in severe physical injuries - including gunshots.

Emotions are dynamite. Uncontrolled emotion (often codependent rage) can get a person in real deep trouble.

The advice in this subforum nearly always attempts to focus the wronged individual on themselves - to help them get right with themselves and address any emotional issues they have.

You sir are on that path. I can tell you are grateful.

A second chance at a much improved life is a real gift.

I should know. I'm living it.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I have been writing many letters that i keep on my hard drive, no one gets to see them, these letters are to my wife who left me some eight weeks ago, these letters constitute the feelings i have for her, the betrayal, the hate she had for me etc. I have today read these letters in chronological order, i cannot believe how the words have changed so much over the weeks, very bitter and angry at the beginning to the last one i wrote just a few days ago, that read very sanguine, it has been my way of dealing with the washover of painful feelings, loneliness, isolation etc. I was amazed myself that i have come so far in such a short period of time, lots of helpful advice here on TAM has been taken by me and i have grown so strong that i want to thank everybody who has contributed to my journey, i hope i can contribute a little to help others as i have turned more than one corner since that sunday back in june, that fateful day when a new man started to emerge from the chaos into the light, a light so bright now that i can see only the clear path ahead.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> I have been writing many letters that i keep on my hard drive, no one gets to see them, these letters are to my wife who left me some eight weeks ago, these letters constitute the feelings i have for her, the betrayal, the hate she had for me etc. I have today read these letters in chronological order, i cannot believe how the words have changed so much over the weeks, very bitter and angry at the beginning to the last one i wrote just a few days ago, that read very sanguine, it has been my way of dealing with the washover of painful feelings, loneliness, isolation etc. I was amazed myself that i have come so far in such a short period of time, lots of helpful advice here on TAM has been taken by me and i have grown so strong that i want to thank everybody who has contributed to my journey, i hope i can contribute a little to help others as i have turned more than one corner since that sunday back in june, that fateful day when a new man started to emerge from the chaos into the light, a light so bright now that i can see only the clear path ahead.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Kevin i am just curious....she has cheated before and the only reason why you are here is because she actually physically left you.......no offense Kevin, i suspect had she not she would have continued to play you and you would never have divorced her...in my book that is the definition of a doormat....Christianity only goes so far. what would it have take for you to divorce her. She sounds like a crappy wife and there are a lot of guys here who would have thrown her to the curb the first time.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Kevin i am just curious....she has cheated before and the only reason why you are here is because she actually physically left you.......no offense Kevin, i suspect had she not she would have continued to play you and you would never have divorced her...in my book that is the definition of a doormat....Christianity only goes so far. what would it have take for you to divorce her. She sounds like a crappy wife and there are a lot of guys here who would have thrown her to the curb the first time.


If i didn't have a son with her i would have divorced her over 20 years ago, i am a very loyal person, not religious but i take the promise i made to my wife very seriously indeed, but i know she never respected me at all, but i hung on for my son's sake, i know i should have left her years ago but i would have been worried sick that my son would have been alone with her for most of the time and that scared me a lot. Under our laws here in Scotland i can divorce her after one years separation with a clean easy no court divorce, that will be happening next summer, i can't wait.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> If i didn't have a son with her i would have divorced her over 20 years ago, i am a very loyal person, not religious but i take the promise i made to my wife very seriously indeed, but i know she never respected me at all, but i hung on for my son's sake, i know i should have left her years ago but i would have been worried sick that my son would have been alone with her for most of the time and that scared me a lot. Under our laws here in Scotland i can divorce her after one years separation with a clean easy no court divorce, that will be happening next summer, i can't wait.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


So wait a minute.

You stayed with a woman you knew didn't respect you because of your son?
So because of that, he grew up in a house hold not knowing what true love and respect was? He has learned that how you and your life lived was how he should/will base all his future relationships upon?

Don't ever let him know he was the reason you stayed and subjected him to that life.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

snerg said:


> So wait a minute.
> 
> You stayed with a woman you knew didn't respect you because of your son?
> So because of that, he grew up in a house hold not knowing what true love and respect was? He has learned that how you and your life lived was how he should/will base all his future relationships upon?
> ...


ditto above.

When you started this thread it sounded like out of nowhere she suddenly left you after 28 years with no warning. Apparently she has cheated the entire time and simply waited for your son to grow up and move out so she could go on her merry way. You had plenty of warning sir. 

I can see why she wants to be friends. You accepted her cheating ways, she thinks its normal.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> If i didn't have a son with her i would have divorced her over 20 years ago, i am a very loyal person, not religious but i take the promise i made to my wife very seriously indeed, but i know she never respected me at all, but i hung on for my son's sake, i know i should have left her years ago but i would have been worried sick that my son would have been alone with her for most of the time and that scared me a lot. Under our laws here in Scotland i can divorce her after one years separation with a clean easy no court divorce, that will be happening next summer, i can't wait.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Nope. Not a chance.

You would not have left for any reason. You are so codependent you would have used any excuse to stay. 

You aren't loyal. You are way to accepting of letting others determine your fate.

Why?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

You have loyalty to your vows and your wife benefited from your misunderstanding.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

snerg said:


> So wait a minute.
> 
> You stayed with a woman you knew didn't respect you because of your son?
> So because of that, he grew up in a house hold not knowing what true love and respect was? He has learned that how you and your life lived was how he should/will base all his future relationships upon?
> ...


I know i was at fault for not moving on earlier when i knew i married the wrong women, my parental instincts are paramount to me, i believe that self sacrifice was my only option, i now know that was wrong, i should have manned up and taken control much earlier, yes i would still be with her if she had not told me she was leaving, but that also was wrong, i want better things for me in the future. I will add this, my son who stays with me admires me, respects me, and loves me for not bailing, he has no real contact with his mum, she is determined to absorb our son into her new life, my son is resisting this and the wedge between them grows as my wife accepts she has done nothing wrong, she is puzzled as to our sons stubbornness, she is delusional at best.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Nope. Not a chance.
> 
> You would not have left for any reason. You are so codependent you would have used any excuse to stay.
> 
> ...


What you say is true, i was codependent, she knew this and played on it, big time, i am angry at myself for letting her behave the way she did without an appropriate response form me, but as i have said already i would have divorced her many years ago, this i know for sure, she was the devil woman in many ways but also my soul mate, strange combo, but it is true, what i know now is she hated me so much, the reason, she see's only hate when she looks at the world, the mask of respectability will diminish with her new man, then she can look at the damage she has done when it all ends in one big mess. I won't be there to pick her up, we are truly finished, she knows this and is distancing herself from me, as i am from her, i feel real sorrow that it has to be this way but i am more important to me now than at any point in my life, i will not be used again, this i am certain, a lot of work has been done by me for me, she has done nothing for her, the difference in us is so apparent when she saw me last week, it startled her, this i enjoyed.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So....what are you doing to improve your life? Is your son away at university?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> I know i was at fault for not moving on earlier when i knew i married the wrong women, my parental instincts are paramount to me, i believe that self sacrifice was my only option, i now know that was wrong, i should have manned up and taken control much earlier, yes i would still be with her if she had not told me she was leaving, but that also was wrong, i want better things for me in the future. I will add this, my son who stays with me admires me, respects me, and loves me for not bailing, he has no real contact with his mum, she is determined to absorb our son into her new life, my son is resisting this and the wedge between them grows as my wife accepts she has done nothing wrong, she is puzzled as to our sons stubbornness, she is delusional at best.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Men tend to get married with woman who have qualities they learn from their mothers. I hope you have very very serious conversations with your son telling him to not follow in you footsteps when it comes to two timing women. 

Personally the best advice my father ever gave me concerning the opposite sex was if you are with a women and she goes elsewhere for sex don't ever ever get back together with her, don't look back, just walk away. It does not matter if you are dating or married. Once they make that choice don't recycle them. They made her choice. You don't have to live it. That will save you a lot of heartache.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

turnera said:


> So....what are you doing to improve your life? Is your son away at university?


I decided the first week that i should change everything about myself that i didn't like, i was overweight, i didn't wear nice clothes, i maybe watched too much TV etc,, I got rid of the TV's, i am eating much better since my wife left, i have lost a lot of weight, i bought new clothes, i sleep better, longer as well, i started the process of getting a new job, i decluttered the entire house, i sold lots of crap i bought but never used, lots of other little things as well. My son stays with me, he works and i have noticed him grow in just nine weeks, he is more relaxed since his mum left, she was always nagging him, he still misses her, but we get on better and i hope this continues. 

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're off to a good start now don't stop!!!!


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I have now passed the 3 months since separation, i have a problem that won't go away, my in-laws, i want to remain in contact with them but it is very awkward when i phone, or visit. My son who stays with me is their only granddhild, they are making little or no effort to contact him as i think it is because my son hasn't accepted his mums new partner. The question i am posting here is i am right to just turn my back on them as my gut is telling me to, or should i persevere with this awkward stage and hopefully things will improve later. They are elderly and i was their go to guy when things needed fixing in their home, i could do without that at the moment to be honest, any advice would be helpful.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Leave it up to them at this point. You are willing to continue a relationship with them, so let them lead as to whether or not this is something they are comfortable with. You cannot MAKE them do anything, including keeping contact with their grandson. That is up to THEM to maintain... just let them know you are ok with that and would not keep him from them. That's pretty much all you can do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> I have now passed the 3 months since separation, i have a problem that won't go away, my in-laws, i want to remain in contact with them but it is very awkward when i phone, or visit. My son who stays with me is their only granddhild, they are making little or no effort to contact him as i think it is because my son hasn't accepted his mums new partner. The question i am posting here is i am right to just turn my back on them as my gut is telling me to, or should i persevere with this awkward stage and hopefully things will improve later. They are elderly and i was their go to guy when things needed fixing in their home, i could do without that at the moment to be honest, any advice would be helpful.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Honestly, I wouldn't bother. If THEY want to contact you, ok, but I certainly WOULD NOT go out of my way to contact them AT ALL.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> I have now passed the 3 months since separation, i have a problem that won't go away, my in-laws, i want to remain in contact with them but it is very awkward when i phone, or visit. My son who stays with me is their only granddhild, they are making little or no effort to contact him as i think it is because my son hasn't accepted his mums new partner. The question i am posting here is i am right to just turn my back on them as my gut is telling me to, or should i persevere with this awkward stage and hopefully things will improve later. They are elderly and i was their go to guy when things needed fixing in their home, i could do without that at the moment to be honest, any advice would be helpful.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


 I and my adult children are still in contact with my first husbands family 18 years after the marriage ended. My second husband of 12 years comes with me when I see them and he is happy to do so. Its not that often because of distance, but I email regularly as well.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Your son is 18 years old if I am correct. Old enough to make his own decisions. If the grandparents want to emotionally black mail him into accepting his mothers cheat partner he would do good to not need any of the them in his life. 

As far as you and your in laws spend less time concerning yourself with your soon to be ex family and more on yourself. Forget your EX and her parents. You owe then nothing. They should be reaching out to you apologizing for the behavior of their slag daughter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife hired a new go-to guy so you're off the hook for her parents' needs. Don't be a schmuck. If they want to get in touch with their grandson, they know how to dial a phone.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Kevin...your problem is that your a nice guy who wants to be a peacemaker for everyone...in the end you got walked over....aka a doormat...you son is old enough to make his own choices and to be honest has a bigger spine than you...don't take it away from him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sometimes these things make no sense at all. I wonder if you were a security blanket for your wife and at some point she no longer needed/wanted that security? I left my husband after 24 years of marriage, been on my own for a year now. No affair on my part, just done and there was no going back in my book. Personally, I feel those who get involved before they get out are suffering from low self-esteem and cannot walk away by themselves, they need a crutch to help them....I have seen it happen before with lady friends of mine.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think the conversation you should have is with your son, not the ex-inlaws. Let your son know that his relationship with his grandparents is separate from his mom. That is, he can have a relationship with them and it is fine with you, plus his grandparents remain his grandparents despite the divorce. He should feel free to have whatever kind of relationship with them that he wants to have.

One of the best thing my father did during his divorce (my mom cheated and then married OM after the divorce) was to tell us kids that he wanted us to continue to have a good relationship with our mother, because our relationship with her had nothing to do with his relationship with her.

Your son should know he is not expected to take sides in the divorce.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I think you have hit the nail on the head, i believe that my wife wanted to go years ago but didn't have the mettle to just go, she is now using this guy to get her freedom from me, that is fine by me, easier on me as she isn't coming back to me if i have any say in it, which of course i have. I always told her if she could find happiness elsewhere then she should at least try and get what she wants from life which after 28 years of marriage is still don't know what that is. I will never know anything for sure until she can have an open discussion with me, i will be waiting a long time i think.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

15 weeks today since my wife left, very little contact since even though our son stays with me, he is still hurting that his mother left. Since my wife decided to go her father has been very sick and has been in the hospital for a month, this has given my wife some serious mental issues to deal with, she has been signed off work for the last two weeks, i heard this from her when she visited on thursday last week, she went onto tell me that all the horrible things she told me the day she left were in fact untrue, which means she still loves me, she tells me she can't live without me, no commitment to return but that is her ego getting kicked around. As i forecast when she left, she now regrets leaving and has admitted after a frank discussion that she wanted to come back, this i don't want i think. I was informed although it has not been four months yet she see's huge change in me, weight loss, new hobbies which i love, new job training, house decorated etc, she has done nothing except feel sorry for herself and bought a dog. The question i pose here is if she was to return would the positive changes i have worked hard to achieve be trashed if she returned, why does she want to come back as she hasn't told me anything about her new man and how he treats her, i feel i don't want her back but 35 years together is a long time and i do miss her company, but not her mean spirit.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Kevin Kevin Kevin....please tell us your not going to let her back into the house...please tell us that you are finally ready to move on. You let her back in the house, you know very well what will happen...you know and don't tell us otherwise, she will find that crack and slowly but assuredly get her back into your heart.....stop it. I mean it Kevin stop it, because I will tell you right now, not only are we going to lose respect for you, but your son will lose respect for you, and you will lose respect for your self, that is worse. Keep repeating I wish you well but I wish you away.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> 15 weeks today since my wife left, very little contact since even though our son stays with me, he is still hurting that his mother left. Since my wife decided to go her father has been very sick and has been in the hospital for a month, this has given my wife some serious mental issues to deal with, she has been signed off work for the last two weeks, i heard this from her when she visited on thursday last week, she went onto tell me that all the horrible things she told me the day she left were in fact untrue, which means she still loves me, she tells me she can't live without me, no commitment to return but that is her ego getting kicked around. As i forecast when she left, she now regrets leaving and has admitted after a frank discussion that she wanted to come back, this i don't want i think. I was informed although it has not been four months yet she see's huge change in me, weight loss, new hobbies which i love, new job training, house decorated etc, she has done nothing except feel sorry for herself and bought a dog. The question i pose here is if she was to return would the positive changes i have worked hard to achieve be trashed if she returned, why does she want to come back as she hasn't told me anything about her new man and how he treats her, i feel i don't want her back but 35 years together is a long time and i do miss her company, but not her mean spirit.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Re-read this entire post. Are you a doormat? 

She wants to come back because you are plan B. Her actions your entire marriage which you accepted until recently tell you exactly who she is. There is no mystery or grey area here. 

Do we have to post your own words here? 

Who cares what she thinks or that she is having a hard time, Boo hoo a river of tears, a serial cheater who repeatedly cuckolded her husband, who berated and humiliated him is having difficulties. 

Why would you care about the details of the most recent man (in a long line of them) she left you for? Do you enjoy pain? 

If you let her back in your life she will cheat again, That is who she is. Stand up for yourself and your son and show your son by example that you are no longer a door mat.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Two roads to take here. There is no one here that can tell you with any certainty what to do. You can ignore her and carry on, or you could try a reconciliation but I warn you it would have to be with a ton of conditions. Me? I always am for the second chance BUT!!! Ask yourself if this can be forgiven.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> 15 weeks today since my wife left, very little contact since even though our son stays with me, he is still hurting that his mother left. Since my wife decided to go her father has been very sick and has been in the hospital for a month, this has given my wife some serious mental issues to deal with, she has been signed off work for the last two weeks, i heard this from her when she visited on thursday last week, she went onto tell me that all the horrible things she told me the day she left were in fact untrue, which means she still loves me, she tells me she can't live without me, *no commitment to return but that is her ego getting kicked around. *
> 
> just a bunch of words but her actions tell you more. Not planning on coming back is she? She only loves the nice life she walked out on not you. Quit being gullible and naive. No worthwhile mother leaves her child behind.
> 
> ...


So you're working on yourself yet she's done nothing. What's that tell you?

You should take the time to rid yourself of codepency issues. She's setting the stage for her plan B checkbook guy. But not yet because she hasn't got her fill of sex from her boyfriend yet.

Wake up. She's shown you who she is.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Taking her back is like trying to stuff a turd back up your behind.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

KevinZX said:


> . I was informed although it has not been four months yet she see's huge change in me, weight loss, new hobbies which i love, new job training, house decorated etc, she has done nothing except feel sorry for herself and bought a dog. The question i pose here is if she was to return would the positive changes i have worked hard to achieve be trashed if she returned,


You are looking at this all wrong and are asking the wrong questions. 

This is all right out of the Cheaters Handbook and is simply part of the playbook. 

It is part of her blameshifting and gaslighting. 

As the BS, a part of you feels that her leaving you for someone else so blatantly was part of your fault and due to your inadequacies such as weight gain, no hobbies, slack in your career, not decorating the house etc etc. 

The reality is she hooked up with someone else and abandoned you and your home and family due to her poor character and disordered mentality. 

It had nothing to do with you. Therefor, your positive changes mean nothing and hold no real weight. 

Her mentioning your changes is just part of her blameshifting and a tactic to make you feel that you have some how "won her back." If she can make you feel that her leaving was due to your inadequacies then if she can make you feel like you have changed and have 'earned' her love back, then she can have a soft landing place now that she's grown tired of her OM or if he has ditched her now that he's done playing with her and has left her for someone younger. 

All you would be getting back here is that turd I mentioned above and why would you want to try to stuff that back up your butt?


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

There is no way she is getting back with me, she is suffering but that is not my fault, i have moved on and i continue to move forward, she know i couldn't have her back, no way. I have sat my son down and told him his mother is not coming into my life and not coming back here, he is happy with that, i have more respect for myself than to allow this evil woman a second more of my life, i will keep open the lines of communication until my son s away from home next year then i am off to see the world i have been missing out on so much.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

KevinZX said:


> There is no way she is getting back with me, she is suffering but that is not my fault, i have moved on and i continue to move forward, she know i couldn't have her back, no way. I have sat my son down and told him his mother is not coming into my life and not coming back here, he is happy with that, i have more respect for myself than to allow this evil woman a second more of my life, i will keep open the lines of communication until my son s away from home next year then i am off to see the world i have been missing out on so much.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Good, then stay the course and cut off the contact. There's nothing in that for you.

If you haven't get moving on filing and end this charade


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> The question i pose here is if she was to return would the positive changes i have worked hard to achieve be trashed if she returned
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


In almost all of the couples I know that tried to reconcile eventually trashed the positive changes and reverted back to the way the old marriage was. It's starts off strong as both are on there toes and best behavior but slowly the boundary pushing and positive changes once present fall by the wayside and the old behaviors return.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> There is no way she is getting back with me, she is suffering but that is not my fault, i have moved on and i continue to move forward, she know i couldn't have her back, no way. I have sat my son down and told him his mother is not coming into my life and not coming back here, he is happy with that, i have more respect for myself than to allow this evil woman a second more of my life, i will keep open the lines of communication until my son s away from home next year then i am off to see the world i have been missing out on so much.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Bingo. You win!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> 15 weeks today since my wife left, very little contact since even though our son stays with me, he is still hurting that his mother left. Since my wife decided to go her father has been very sick and has been in the hospital for a month, this has given my wife some serious mental issues to deal with, she has been signed off work for the last two weeks, i heard this from her when she visited on thursday last week, she went onto tell me that all the horrible things she told me the day she left were in fact untrue, which means she still loves me, she tells me she can't live without me, no commitment to return but that is her ego getting kicked around. As i forecast when she left, she now regrets leaving and has admitted after a frank discussion that she wanted to come back, this i don't want i think. I was informed although it has not been four months yet she see's huge change in me, weight loss, new hobbies which i love, new job training, house decorated etc, she has done nothing except feel sorry for herself and bought a dog. The question i pose here is if she was to return would the positive changes i have worked hard to achieve be trashed if she returned, why does she want to come back as she hasn't told me anything about her new man and how he treats her, i feel i don't want her back but 35 years together is a long time and i do miss her company, but not her mean spirit.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


In my calculations, her father sick and her husband abandoned [by her doing] means 'things' are still very unsettled. And your' home life has been turned upside down.

She is a risky proposition and frankly is bad JuJu for you now. Stay away from her.

Something in my calculations are 'squaring' off. Opposing forces are evident too, three, four.

I see legal problems on the horizon, problems with the government. Keep your home in good repair, safe from harm, safe from thieves.

Your' fates are still linked. And will be until the papers are signed and the dust settles. Maybe in a year or two.

This ain't over, my friend.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You are what she knows as a source of some kind of comfort or she would not have confided in you. She might need support right now but I think if you were to take her back it would be just a matter of time before everything was back to being the same. We learn a dance with our partners and that dance is hard to break no matter how much we change ourselves or try to look at our situation differently. I was with my ex for 27 years and up until the day I left I was hoping he would wake up. Now that I ahve been gone for over a year and we have not spoke once I can reflect and realize even if he had tried any change would not have been forever. We are too much who we are and change is very difficult. Your wife needs to figure out herself and you are not going to be able to help her do that.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I hope not, but too often we all have seen it. This guy has been all of his married life a weak pathetic cuckold. He says he's done, but the sad true is that this type of guys a lot of times, afte a while of talking a good talk, in the end they just crumble and take back the disrespectful cheating wife. 

It takes a true character reassignment and a personal journey to above and beyond of their lifetime of blinded life's acceptance to see the light, and be truly able to move on with a completely different life's approach, where they are strong, confident and act like a male that knows he has his game on. Hopefully this will be the OP.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

I met my wife yesterday at the hospital to visit her father who is seriously ill, i felt like cancelling right up until the last minute but i wanted to see him and i felt i was being manipulated by my X to a certain degree and i was angry at myself for agreeing to a joint visit, i visit more that my wife so the joint visit was unnecessary. I really have got her out of my system now and seeing her just reminds me of the wasted years i spent holding on to her, but that is in the past now. It didn't help that it was our 29th wedding anniversary yesterday also, that was painful for me but i pushed thru and gave her no inclining that it was on my mind. I told her i was thinking about cancelling and she asked the reason why, i told her but she didn't answer, i changed the subject. I am upset at her dad's slow demise and wish that this marital breakup didn't happen as he is dying at the same time but again this was out of my control and so i have to live it. 

My son confessed to me that he is feeling lonely as he is home a lot alone as i work and fit in lots of other things on top of this, i have decided to redouble my efforts to spend more quality time with him and i have encouraged his mum to step up to the plate with him and not put him on the back burner as much as she has. I dislike being in the middle of so much of my wife's new life, together with her father's illness and helping where i can with her family but i can only guess if i pulled the plug on all of this then i would feel guilty and i would be the one that would suffer as i am a naturally a caring man, i hope that after the year all this settles down i can have more time for myself and my son.

I hope people considering throwing away their marriage for whatever reason thinks long and hard about all the possible permutations and events that this can throw up, it seems endless to me and i have a fairly small uninvolved family with no children under 21, it must be hellish to try and sort out a separation and divorce with lots of permutations like young children, debts, work schedules etc, i take my hat off to those that can cope with this and my sympathies to all those that can't.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It sounds like you are doing pretty well letting go of your cheating wh**re of a wife. She is evidently too busy with her social life to be bothered with her own kid, which is sad. Do make that extra effort for him. 

It sounds like she didn't give half a thought to the fact that she was throwing away her marriage. I guess she thought you would be the chump that always stuck around no matter what she did. Hang in there, it does get better.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Kevin, I learned there is no good time for bad news. As I was trying to find the "right" time to break the news to my now ex and my family I did think thru all the events coming up. My husband's dad was in poor health, I didn't want to upset my daughter who was in college so I wanted to wait til her classes were finished. In the meantime my ex had a birthday to celebrate. My timing was still not good but the words finally spilled from my mouth when I was told my stepsons refused to be in the same room as myself. 

Yesterday was our youngest daughter's baby shower and ex was invited via live media feed. Later I read the comments those who were invited "live" had to say and my ex 's comments were all the funny man comments, always thinking he was so cute and making everything into a joke. I was so disgusted and thankful at the same time that I am not with this man. after 25 years living under the same roof we have been divorced now for 14 months and have not spoke to or seen each other since. I wish him well but have no desire to see the man. You are incredibly strong to be able to go into the hospital and visit your dying father-in-law, knowing your ex will be there on your anniversary....I personally could not have done this.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> I met my wife yesterday at the hospital to visit her father who is seriously ill, i felt like cancelling right up until the last minute but i wanted to see him and i felt i was being manipulated by my X to a certain degree and i was angry at myself for agreeing to a joint visit, i visit more that my wife so the joint visit was unnecessary. I really have got her out of my system now and seeing her just reminds me of the wasted years i spent holding on to her, but that is in the past now. It didn't help that it was our 29th wedding anniversary yesterday also, that was painful for me but i pushed thru and gave her no inclining that it was on my mind. I told her i was thinking about cancelling and she asked the reason why, i told her but she didn't answer, i changed the subject. I am upset at her dad's slow demise and wish that this marital breakup didn't happen as he is dying at the same time but again this was out of my control and so i have to live it.
> 
> My son confessed to me that he is feeling lonely as he is home a lot alone as i work and fit in lots of other things on top of this, i have decided to redouble my efforts to spend more quality time with him and i have encouraged his mum to step up to the plate with him and not put him on the back burner as much as she has. I dislike being in the middle of so much of my wife's new life, together with her father's illness and helping where i can with her family but i can only guess if i pulled the plug on all of this then i would feel guilty and i would be the one that would suffer as i am a naturally a caring man, i hope that after the year all this settles down i can have more time for myself and my son.
> 
> ...


I think its telling that you knew better than to spend your anniversary at hospital with her but went anyway and you brought the anniversary date. Stop punishing yourself waiting for her to apologize or feel empathy. She is not going to. Stop it. Just avoid her. She has repeatedly shown you who she is. She is not worth it. 

Spend less time helping HER with HER family and more time with your son away from her. Go fishing. road trip, car show, rock concert. Whatever interests you share. Make new ones. 

Good luck.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

After six months of separation form my wife it was evident to me over the last few weeks of my wife's emotional bond she still has for me, her father died a couple of weeks ago and this seems to have tipped her over the edge. It was a lingering death over a few months and whilst my wife was not a regular visitor to the hospital even though she lives a lot closer than i do i made the effort to visit as often as i could, couple of times a week, and keep in regular contact with her family to keep abreast of the situation they found themselves in. During this time i witnessed a lot of unusual behaviour form my wife which led me to believe that she was not thinking straight, her family reported to me that the arguments over the death bed were horrendous and all caused by my wife's unusual requests. I always knew and suffered by my wife's irrational thoughts and actions, not thinking before opening her mouth, My wife told me when we ran into each other that she wouldn't go to her fathers funeral if i didn't attend, this caused me some amount of pain as i thought she had moved on from me but to all intents and purposes she is attached as she ever was, i have moved on in all ways but she is so needy that it worries me that she can't let go, i hate her for this, she is lazy in her attitude to get some work done on herself so she can move on in all respects. The worst part of all of this is our son has witnessed a lot of this and it has distanced him form his mum, this is painful for all, WHY is she so clingy to the past she threw away, i hope it isn't regret led.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

She's the same as she always was, Kevin. She's broken and uses other people to fix the holes in herself. 

Don't fall for it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> She's the same as she always was, Kevin. She's broken and uses other people to fix the holes in herself.
> 
> Don't fall for it.


QFT.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Kevin stop it.....I can see where this is going....stop it, what is it going to take to see that she is a manipulative, serial cheater...your son can see it why can't you. Stop being there for her.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Kevin stop it.....I can see where this is going....stop it, what is it going to take to see that she is a manipulative, serial cheater...your son can see it why can't you. Stop being there for her.


I am fully aware of my shortcomings towards my wife and her family, i loved her father and after knowing him for 35 years and he dies i feel like any normal person would i guess, hurt and a bit vulnerable, but i can assure the good people of TAM that i no way feel anything for my wife outside of she is still my son's mother, that is it, but their have been times lately that this woman has crossed my path, hospital and funeral, and i feel sorrow for her predicament, but i don't want her back and i have spelt this out to her, besides a visit form her today to see our son on christmas day i hope i don't see her for a good while.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

KevinZX said:


> After six months of separation form my wife it was evident to me over the last few weeks of my wife's emotional bond she still has for me, her father died a couple of weeks ago and this seems to have tipped her over the edge. It was a lingering death over a few months and whilst my wife was not a regular visitor to the hospital even though she lives a lot closer than i do i made the effort to visit as often as i could, couple of times a week, and keep in regular contact with her family to keep abreast of the situation they found themselves in. During this time i witnessed a lot of unusual behaviour form my wife which led me to believe that she was not thinking straight, her family reported to me that the arguments over the death bed were horrendous and all caused by my wife's unusual requests. I always knew and suffered by my wife's irrational thoughts and actions, not thinking before opening her mouth, My wife told me when we ran into each other that she wouldn't go to her fathers funeral if i didn't attend, this caused me some amount of pain as i thought she had moved on from me but to all intents and purposes she is attached as she ever was, i have moved on in all ways but she is so needy that it worries me that she can't let go, i hate her for this, she is lazy in her attitude to get some work done on herself so she can move on in all respects. The worst part of all of this is our son has witnessed a lot of this and it has distanced him form his mum, this is painful for all, WHY is she so clingy to the past she threw away, i hope it isn't regret led.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Bury your father in law. Whether she goes or not, who cares? Why do you even care? 
She is not your problem. Your son is old enough to make his own decisions. He is under no obligation to remain in close contact with someone who repeatedly hurts him. I suggest you emulate him. 

Happy Holidays.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

KevinZX said:


> I am fully aware of my shortcomings towards my wife and her family, i loved her father and after knowing him for 35 years and he dies i feel like any normal person would i guess, hurt and a bit vulnerable, but i can assure the good people of TAM that i no way feel anything for my wife outside of she is still my son's mother, that is it, but their have been times lately that this woman has crossed my path, hospital and funeral, and i feel sorrow for her predicament, but i don't want her back and i have spelt this out to her, besides a visit form her today to see our son on christmas day i hope i don't see her for a good while.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


Where is the other guy in all this? 

Ever notice that in your post you talk about how much more you have done since she is gone. Do you think the maybe her toxicity was holding you back? Why do you continue to allow that toxicity into your life?

I am under the opinion that this generally happens because the WS is really a toxic presence in the house the BS just didn't realize it, however once they are gone even though the BS may still want them this is just a hold over from what they have known for so long. It's like getting out of a cult or something. In time if you truly separate you life will get better and better. Once you recognize what a harmful presence she had in your life (which you are starting to do) then you need to figure out why you didn't before, so you don't pick the same type of mate. Then if you overcome that and pick a good mate next time, lookout. Then you really start to understand how bad a choice they were. 

You need to start to really removing her as much as possible from your life, and figure out why it took so long. The rest of your life is waiting for that.


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

Good observation, but i have removed her as much as possible from my life, my son although 22 years old and stays with me, also wants minimal contact with her, the visit we had on christmas day was traumatic to say the least, no arguing or anything but an intense feeling that we were in the presence of a stranger, amazing after just six months of separation to feel this, the work i have done on myself has helped me see where i went wrong, but my loyalty to the family went above my marriage to one woman, she is gone but all else is still in place, it makes now realise that i could have divorced her years ago but my son when younger would have suffered.

Hopefully 2018 will see an improvement in our family life, with her away this should be easier, however after 2017 i remain wary of looking to far ahead, one small step at a time.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you allowing her into your home to visit her 22yo son?? If so, STOP IT. He isnt an infant, and his relationship with her is NOT your responsibility, that is all on them.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> Good observation, but i have removed her as much as possible from my life, my son although 22 years old and stays with me, also wants minimal contact with her, the visit we had on christmas day was traumatic to say the least, no arguing or anything but an intense feeling that we were in the presence of a stranger, amazing after just six months of separation to feel this, the work i have done on myself has helped me see where i went wrong, but my loyalty to the family went above my marriage to one woman, she is gone but all else is still in place, it makes now realise that i could have divorced her years ago but my son when younger would have suffered.
> 
> Hopefully 2018 will see an improvement in our family life, with her away this should be easier, however after 2017 i remain wary of looking to far ahead, one small step at a time.
> 
> ...


How's them divorce papers coming along?

She has zero business in your home. Your son can meet her at a pub / diner down the road.

Have you even discussed / sent her email of items you would want after the D?

She has laid up with this grease ball and suffered no consequence.

Have her served at work..... be outside when she leaves work with an 80s boom box.....

playing.....


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## KevinZX (Jul 1, 2017)

My wife will get the paperwork from the court after JUne 11th this year, i can't do it any sooner under scottish law, she has promised me an uncontested divorce, i will have to wait to see if she honors this promise, i can't wait for the day i am free of her, a day that will be celebrated.

Love and Peace always

KevinZX


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

KevinZX said:


> My wife will get the paperwork from the court after JUne 11th this year, i can't do it any sooner under scottish law, she has promised me an uncontested divorce, i will have to wait to see if she honors this promise, i can't wait for the day i am free of her, a day that will be celebrated.
> 
> Love and Peace always
> 
> KevinZX


So Scottish (English too?) law gives a D after a year if it is non-contested? 

If contested..... anywhere from one year to.....whenever?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> So Scottish (English too?) law gives a D after a year if it is non-contested?
> 
> If contested..... anywhere from one year to.....whenever?



In England you can divorce for unreasonable behaviour, or after 2 years of separation if its not contested. If its contested you have to wait 5 years.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> In England you can divorce for unreasonable behaviour, or after 2 years of separation if its not contested. If its contested you have to wait 5 years.


:shivers: Something like cigarettes.... They don't kill you "immediately" .... just over a period of time.

Thanks! I was 110% unaware of this....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Chuck71 said:


> :shivers: Something like cigarettes.... They don't kill you "immediately" .... just over a period of time.
> 
> Thanks! I was 110% unaware of this....


Mind you, unreasonable behaviour doesn't have to be anything major such as adultery. In fact what my husbands ex wrote for his 'unreasonable behaviour' was laughable, but he didn't see the point in contesting it as it would have cost a lot of money and been pointless in the end.


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