# Why turn a sweet situation sour?



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

Background info:

My boyfriend and I live together and he has a 2 year old son from a previous 6 year relationship. The child's mother has custody. I have no children and do not plan on ever having any. Me & my BF have been togther for a year. We just recently set a wedding date. My BF has to go to his grandma's to watch his son, per his baby's mother request. I do not like children but was open to meeting my BF's son and giving it all a chance when we first got together. Before I could get any kind of chance to interact with my BF's son, to possibly debunk this notion in my head that I do not like children, the baby's mother does what they do best: Make demands, while Use the kid as leverage.

My BF has his son 3 days a week, including weekends. All times set up for the conviennce of his baby's mother because she's a "single parent". We're in our late twenties & have lives (especially on weekends). My BF has to watch his son on weekends so he tries to balance the time (between his grandma's and home or whatever we have going on). His grandma also takes the son off to bday parties & stuff like that sometimes on the weekend too. If the boy's mother call my BF and he isn't around thier son, she gives him such a hard time. Telling him he isn't a good dad. Keep in mind, he's very caught up on child support and is very active in his son's life. We thought this was just her acting out when him & I first got together and thought she would move on. She's remained a bitter ***** this entire time, so here is....

My problem:

Since talk of marriage has surfaced, my BF and I have been discussing living arrangements. He wants our next place to have a room for his son and spoke with his baby's mother about changing the silly arrangment they have setup now. Of course she's refused and he wanted to fight (not literally) her on it. He wanted my input, & I didn't agree with him. I really wouldn't care to have his son around like a happy little family. He became really pissed at me. 

He knows my idea of a happy little family doesn't include a child. I've accepted this man so I've accepted his child, BUT his child's mother is extremely adamant about thier son NOT being around me and I prefer it to be this way too. He can accept all of this or have baby momma drama all the time, I'm just making it easier dammit! On top of these major points in the situation, my BF's grandma's house has a playground in the back yard, trampaline, AND kids his age around the neighborhood. The most toys my house has is dog chew toys that are kept somewhere neatly if they're not being played with at the time. WHY WHY WHY doesn't he just let this be? Our life is great seperate from his son and he's seemed to enjoy our life as well until this. Now he want's to make a situation that will have his child's mother causing problems as well as me resenting him for having that child in our house when he doesn't have to be.


I can deal with having the boy around but I wouldn't prefer it. Especially if his mother prefeers the same thing. That's all I'm saying here. Why does he want to complicate things?


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

Please don't marry this man. His child deserves to be around someone that loves him and wants him around. His mother is not the only single parent so is your BF. You seem to have a lot of anger/bitterness towards the child's mother and that is not OK because it is only bound to be passed on to the child. Your BF honestly should of not gotten with a women and pursued a long term thing with a women who didn't want anything to do with his child and love him. 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting any children, but don't put this poor child through anymore. It is already probably very hard being bounced around between different homes. He should be the top priority NEVER you. This may sound harsh but it is the truth....you should never be more important then that child.


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

RatherSharp;151334
I can deal with having the boy around but I wouldn't prefer it. Especially if his mother prefeers the same thing. That's all I'm saying here. Why does he want to complicate things?[/QUOTE said:


> Since you are not a parent, I don't think you can comprehend his love for his child. Honesty you need to find someone else, this relationship will only end badly for you IMO. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting kids, it's a personal choice. But if you try coming between the boy and his father, generally you will always loose.
> 
> Get out now and find someone who doesn't have kids and doesn't want them as well.


----------



## koala49 (Jul 21, 2009)

The main one who is going to be hurt in all of this is this little boy who through no fault of his own is being pushed and shoved in all directions. You are quite within your right to not want children, that is a choice that everyone has a right to make. But this little boy is a part of his fathers life and he will always be a part of his life. You cant accept the child and therefore you should be out of this relationship. You cannot try to come between a parent and a child not only will this cause great heartache for the child and the father but it will eventually make you a very bitter woman so get out now for everyones sake


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> Please don't marry this man. His child deserves to be around someone that loves him and wants him around. *HE'S NOT MY SON, THIS LOVE IS PROVIDED BY HIS PARENTS*. His mother is not the only single parent so is your BF. You seem to have a lot of anger/bitterness towards the child's mother and that is not OK because it is only bound to be passed on to the child. *HOW DID YOU COME TO THAT CONCLUSION? SHE HAS EMAILED ME STATING THERE'S NO WAY SHE WILL BE COMFORTABLE LETTING HER SON AROUND ME WHEN SHE'S THE ONE THAT'S SUPPOSE TO BE GETTING MARRIED TO MY FIANCE. I'VE TAKEN SO MUCH OF HER CRAP, YET I'M THE ONE BITTER? REALLY?*. Your BF honestly should of not gotten with a women and pursued a long term thing with a women who didn't want anything to do with his child and love him.* IF YOU READ MY POST, I INITIALLY EMBRACED THE SITUATION. THE CHILD'S MOTHER RUINED THAT. NOT MY FAULT! SHE GIVES US HELL OVER THE SMALLEST THINGS, I JUST WANT A PEACEFUL LIFE.*
> 
> 
> 
> There is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting any children, but don't put this poor child through anymore. *OF WHAT? YOU MEAN HIS MOM? I'M NEVER AROUND HIM. I DONT EVER SEE HIM.* It is already probably very hard being bounced around between different homes. *AGAIN, THE CHILD'S MOTHER'S FAULT. I WAS FINE WITH HIM BEING AT OUR PLACE. He should be the top priority NEVER you. PLEASE READ MY POST, THE MOTHER INITIATED ALL OF THIS!!!! I DON'T WANT PRIORITY OVER THE SON. WTF?*This may sound harsh but it is the truth....you should never be more important then that child. *THIS MAY BE HARSH BUT YOU NEED TO READ BEFORE YOU RESPOND TO SOMEONE'S POST*.


Please read the the original post. I am never around this boy because THE MOTHER DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE! Any and every arragengment setup was done so BY THE CHILD'S MOTHER! There was never a point where I told my fiance' I didn't want his son around. THE CHILD'S MOTHER DID, I ONLY AGREED WITH HER!!!!!!!!


----------



## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

RatherSharp said:


> Please read the the original post. I am never around this boy because THE MOTHER DOES NOT WANT ME TO BE! Any and every arragengment setup was done so BY THE CHILD'S MOTHER! There was never a point where I told my fiance' I didn't want his son around. THE CHILD'S MOTHER DID, I ONLY AGREED WITH HER!!!!!!!!


But the father is going to want to be around his son. He will continuously fight for access to his son, that won't change. Do you really want to be in a relationship where this struggle goes on forever? It will form resentment on your part as time goes on. Neither yourself, the father or the child deserves those kind of problems.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

Maybe if I put it in a different way, people will understand.


My fiance and I dated for 6 months before he talked about introducing me to his son. My fiance knows my views on having children. When my fiances child's mother found out how serious we were getting and that he was planning on introducing me to his son, she went ballistic. Threatening to take him to court, threatening not to bring his son around, yadda yadda yadda! We postponed the introduction, thinking the child's mother was acting out and would eventually get over it. All of this time, I've seen his son ONCE and it was from far away. Still haven't met him! During this time, there's plenty of attempts at baby momma drama. Plenty of attempts by fiance to compromise. NOTHING! She feels like she should be marrying my fiance, she put 6 years into the relationship and gave him a son, only to have him marrying a woman after a year of dating who doesn't even want kids (her words). She talks crap on my VM, sends messages on facebook, talking about what kinda woman doesn't want children. I've never entertained any of the crap she's thrown at me. I love being the mature one, being the bigger woman.

This woman damn near kicked & screamed when my fiance mentioned he's gonna set a room up in our new house for his son. SHE DOES NOT WANT HER SON AROUND ME OR AT OUR HOUSE. I have to not marry my fiance because I agree with his child's mother?


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

You chose to get involved with a man who has a child with another woman. You are choosing to marry a man who has a child with another woman. If you are going to go through with this you will have to deal with both the child and his mother in your life for the rest of your life. It’s as simple as that. If you marry this man you will be his son’s step-mother whether you like it or not. 

As a side note, you’re siding with a woman who is trying to keep her son from his father. That could be why your fiance got pissed off at your reaction.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

As a father of two now grown children I have to tell you something.

His child is going to be a huge part of his life til the day he dies.

His child will want more of him than you can imagine. And will grow out of being a small child quite fast. 

Having living space in his father's house is reasonable and good for the kid.

You not liking children should be a nonstarter for your relationship with this man.


The impact of the game playing by the mother and he added with your distaste for children? HUGE.

You stating your not wanting kids and disliking them is a good start, but it doesn't give you a pass either if you are in a relationship with someone who has a kid.

Yes, the man should not be in a relationship with someone who doesn't like kids if he has one. And he really should step up and break things off with you. But you should end things with this man if he won't.

To me, this is a respect issue and a protect the kid issue.

You three adults are behaving badly.

Choose the high road and only date men who have no children and get your tubes tied to ensure you have no children.


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I stand by everything I said and pretty much all the other responses. Don't marry this man and move on. He and his child deserve to be with someone that can bring a positive experience to there lives. You don't like kids that is absolutely fine but don't get involved with a man that has them.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

WantsHappiness said:


> As a side note, you’re siding with a woman who is trying to keep her son from his father. That could be why your fiance got pissed off at your reaction.



She's been having him watch thier son at his grandma's since she's found out about how serious we are. Now that we're getting married, my fiance has expressed he wants his son at our house instead of his grandma's. She said no, the arrangement will remain the same: him having his son 3 days a week at his granma's. I never stated she didn't want him to see his son, let alone me agreeing with it.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

michzz said:


> As a father of two now grown children I have to tell you something.
> 
> His child is going to be a huge part of his life til the day he dies.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry but I disagree. Some women put men (they have kids by) through sooo much hell and bull**** when the child is born, it drives the man away and he seek out women who: don't have children, don't plan on having any, etc. He greatly appreciates OUR childfree life. However, HE is not childfree. The 3 days a week he has his son, is away from OUR life. Had his child's mother let the situation blossom, my statement to you today probably would not be "I don't like children". Watching my fiance battle with her over the simplest things and using the boy as a tool has also swayed how I feel. I JUST WANT PEACE. If she wants to try to get tranferred on her job just to keep her son from being around me, she will. I HAVE THE EMAIL TO PROVE IT. Why not just keep it the way it is instead of going through all of this drama? Nevermind that I prefer it her way, too. He was very adamant about never having anymore children or dating a woman with children when we first met. 


I THINK HE'S MORE PISSED AT THE FACT OF SHE AND I FINALLY AGREEING ON SOMETHING BUT IT'S AGAINST HIS OWN WISHES. 
He's joked about it but I think it's true. Lol.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I stand by everything I said and pretty much all the other responses. Don't marry this man and move on. He and his child deserve to be with someone that can bring a positive experience to there lives. You don't like kids that is absolutely fine but don't get involved with a man that has them.


Your opinion is appreciated, that is all. Thanks?


----------



## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I am honestly not saying any of this to be mean or snarky I just see this situation way to often and the only people that will lose is the child and you. Sometimes you have to look at the whole picture and this will be a constant battle....there will be some calm waters but there will also be thunder storms.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

I'm gonna talk to my fiance and tell him I think we should call this off. HE WILL ASK WHY? WHAT TH--. (DONE THIS ALREADY FOR SOMETHNG ELSE)

I'll tell him because of this situation. Some people believe anyone who does not like children should not be with someone who has them. IT'LL BE DETRIMENTAL TO THE CHILD'S UP BRINGING (LOL). He'll say something along the lines of:


THIS SITUATION IS CAUSE FOR AN ARGUEMENT NOT A BREAK UP. IF I HAD A FULL CUSTODY, THEN YES. IT WOULD BE A MAJOR FACTOR.


If my fiance wanted to end our relationship for this reason, I would walk away with no qualms. Out of my mom, his mom, his grandma, my older aunties and grandma....NO ONE HAS SUGGESTED WE BREAK UP. These are older respectable ladies who really tell our generation like it is. I get advice from them all the time and they know everything about me. OF COURSE none of them agree with me here but they don't suggest we call this off either. I'm not Professor Umbridge (HP. 5), I just don't like the running, noise, messes, etc.


I appreciate you all for your opinions. I guess I'm trying to see why this is a cause for break up. I'm really tempted to present this to him.


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

RatherSharp said:


> I'm sorry but I disagree. Some women put men (they have kids by) through sooo much hell and bull**** when the child is born, it drives the man away and he seek out women who: don't have children, don't plan on having any, etc. He greatly appreciates OUR childfree life. However, HE is not childfree. The 3 days a week he has his son, is away from OUR life.


How will you cope with the fact that, as the child grows older, your husband might start spending more time with him?
Are you going to let him or will you argue that he doesn't spend enough time with you? You will never have a childfree life unless he disowns his child. Sooner or later the child will come between you. And since you don't like/want kids, that is going to be a major problem.

People are telling you to not marry him because of the consequences in the long run not right now.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

"_He should be the top priority NEVER you._"
That's not true. No one should take precedence over a spouse. However, that is not the way it will turn out to be, and you will resent it bitterly. Believe me.

I touched on this subject earlier today. I think my response applies here, too. You can read my read my response here if you like.

RatherSharp, I think you are being rather sharp and impatient with people. I realize some have mixed your words and probably misconstrued. But, I don't think it is a good idea to dismiss them entirely. You are only setting yourself up for the day that you have to undeniably confess "those people told me so."

There is a whoooole gamut of factors in second marriages and stepparent situations that I could not possibly touch on in my post, not this post or the one I linked to above. But suffice it to say, you have no idea what you are in for. You have only gotten a taste of it.  Yes, the child's mother is controlling and disruptive. Yes, you are right it would be nice to keep his visitation as it is. After all, it works for you and his mother is the one who insists. So, I'm sure I understand what you are saying in that it would be best, and more peaceful, to keep things the way they are. However, and without retribution from you if you please, I humbly disagree because I know the status quo cannot remain. This is stressful for your fiance. More than anything else - more than his love for you; more than him not wanting more children; more than him acquiescing to the mother's demands - he wants and needs to be a father to his son. He wants and needs to have visitation where he is at his home, not someplace else. Grandma's house is not his house. It is absolutely impossible for him to parent his child when they are both guests in someone else' home. He wants and needs a girlfriend/fiance/wife who is supportive of his wants and needs where they concern his child.

Moreover, the day will (or should) come that neither you nor the child's mother will be able to control anything about where he visits with his son. If he has good sense, or if he ever gets any, he will take this woman to court for visitation, and the court will make these decisions. The court will never in a million years so much as entertain the mother's demand that the child not be allowed in the father's own home. The only time such a thing will happen is if there is litigation concerning neglect or abuse against the father, in which case the court will order supervised visits at a neutral location. But as things stand the way they are and the mother, nor child protective services, ever bring neglect or abuse charges against the father, you will have this child in your home every other weekend, plus 1-2 days through the week, plus 2-4 weeks in summer, plus every other major holiday, plus every other birthday. You will have no choice in this matter, and your husband needs and wants you to be an understanding and supportive wife, as well as a loving and caring and care-giving stepmother. Swallow that with every bitter pill you can find and see if that wife and stepmother is you. I do not think it is, and both he and his child deserve better.

You keep saying you accepted his child because you accepted him, but you really haven't because you have not thought about what that entails. You cannot think about what that entails because you really, really, REALLY have no idea and cannot even fathom the details of daily life as a stepparent. And as far as you yelling at the person who mentioned you do resent or will resent the child, just think about what I just wrote as best you can - 1) he will be in your home very regularly, 2) your home has to accommodate a young child, so no more excuses about the things he needs residing someplace else, 3) you will be expected to (step)parent him and care for him and respond lovingly to him, 4) your husband will not agree with everything you do and say when it comes to parenting his child. He will want you to do it his way and not your way, and therefore arguments and unimaginable pressures will ensue, 5) the child's mother will get much, much worse and cause even more problems, 6) his mother will cost you and husband *TENS* of thousands of dollars in court battles, 7) his father, your husband, will resent you for not supporting his parenting plans, 8) the child's mother will curse you and talk about you and she will also lie in court about you. And the list goes on and on and on. That list is never ending. You WILLLLLL!!! come to resent this child. You border resentment right now. It will only take a very small portion of any one of those numbered items to push you over into full resentment and not wanting to be bothered with this child and being entirely unable to hide your resentment.

So what now? I have tried to understand what you said instead of just being someone who disagrees with you while misunderstanding what you stated. As best I can, I have tried lay out for your full view some minor semblance of how your life will be for now on. I have tried to give you a clue of the cost you will pay - from your pocketbook, your home, your self esteem, your living arrangements, your desire for no children around, etc. So tell me now what? Will you lash out at me too for not agreeing with you? Or will you listen so that later down the line and after all the resentments and regrets, you don't end up having to say "those people told me so"?


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> "_He should be the top priority NEVER you._"
> That's not true. No one should take precedence over a spouse. However, that is not the way it will turn out to be, and you will resent it bitterly. Believe me.
> 
> I touched on this subject earlier today. I think my response applies here, too. You can read my read my response here if you like.
> ...


:iagree: especially since there is already resentment and negativity. It won't get better after you get married. Never does.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

finallyseewhy said:


> I am honestly not saying any of this to be mean or snarky I just see this situation way to often and the only people that will lose is the child and you. Sometimes you have to look at the whole picture and this will be a constant battle....there will be some calm waters but there will also be thunder storms.


:lol:

It's funny because he's let the whole argument go (arrangment remains the same) and I haven't.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> "_He should be the top priority NEVER you._"
> That's not true. No one should take precedence over a spouse. However, that is not the way it will turn out to be, and you will resent it bitterly. Believe me.
> 
> I touched on this subject earlier today. I think my response applies here, too. You can read my read my response here if you like.
> ...


Please except my thanks for not jumping the gun and actually reading. I would however appreciate that you not try to provoke a negative resposnse as so indicated in the last paragraph. I was actually nodding in agreement while reading some of your post.

What you are saying makes some sense to a certain degree. I don't have kids, this is my fiance's first so we are extremely far from experts. If what you are saying is true then I will do more research.


*I don't know what kind of response you were expecting. I've been with this guy for 2 years, have just introduced our extended families for the wedding... and oh yeah, some random people on a message board suggest you call it all off- (when my intial question was only: WHY FIGHT THIS WHEN IT KEEPS THE PEACE). *


Am I suppose to just except what you say and call off my wedding? 

Would you cancel a life changing event on the count of some random advice from some random blogger?

Honestly, would you?


I'll just have to do my own research.

If some folks felt disrespected, I apologize.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You do not want a child around--you've said that. He HAS a child and wants to rearrange visitation so the child can be part of your lives together. You do not want that and so you and the baby-mama are on the same page. 

Your F thinks you will change once you know his son. Do you?

This could be a disaster in the making. He needs to get legal right to have the child on a schedule more suitable to himself--he does not "watch his son" at grandma's; he PARENTS and should be able to do it on his terms, unless he is a threat to the child. How he can be w/out more rights is beyond me. He has probably caved to her wishes about custody b/c it was more convenient to him. Well, parenting can't be done only when it's convenient. If he had the child on a regular basis, every other weekend and 50% of weekdays, as he should and could if he insisted (and child support would be reduced accordingly), then you, or any other woman in his life, would know his son and more importantly, his son would know that woman. THEN maybe marriage could be discussed.

He does not want to give up his son, but you do not want him to fight for the child either, and that is a big distance between you. Good luck if you push forward on this. Could work, but seems like you and your F have different ideas of family life and that could be a huge problem.


----------



## RatherSharp (May 15, 2010)

cherrypie18 said:


> How will you cope with the fact that, as the child grows older, your husband might start spending more time with him? *I'VE NEVER HAD A PROBLEM WITH HIM SPENDING TIME WITH HIS SON, EVER. IN FACT I GIVE HIM IDEAS ON THINGS TO DO WITH HIM WHEN THEY'RE OUT TOGETHER. I'M A BIT OF A SPORTS FANATIC.*
> 
> 
> Are you going to let him or will you argue that he doesn't spend enough time with you? *IM NOT THAT KIND OF WOMAN. I'M NOT NEEDY. NOT SURE WHERE THAT QUESTION CAME FROM, STEROTYPE MAYBE?*You will never have a childfree life unless he disowns his child. *MY LIFE HAS BEEN CHILDFREE FOR THE PAST 2 YEARS MY FIANCE AND I HAVE BEEN TOGHETER.* Sooner or later the child will come between you. And since you don't like/want kids, that is going to be a major problem. *OKAY.*
> ...


I know this may be totally irrelevant but, I am the bread winner in my household. I'm not one of those women who would sit at the house couNting how much time my fiance' spends with his son. If anything he complains more than I do about not having weekends free to do stuff TOGETHER. I can't see myself being jealous that my fiance spends more time with his son than me. I'm not needy, dependent, or insecure, QUITE THE OPPOSITE actually. I have a gym membership, I kayak and I have 3 dogs. :lol::lol::lol:- I KNOW IT STILL MAY SEEM IRRELEVANT. I just can't forsee myself being this way. YA KNOW.... ALL EMOTIONAL. LOL.

Are you people saying this from experience?

Not all women are the same ya know. If I get yelled at by my boss, I don't cry.:lol:


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

But, what you don't understand is what these random people are doing is throwing your words back at you so you can see them. Sometimes, that's what it takes although sometimes nothing works.

So, here I am again talking about what I call the vicious cycle of life. It's just seems such a shame sometimes that we never learn. I like to think I listened when people told me things, but I probably didn't because, like you, that was them and their situation didn't apply to me. That's what I call "exempt syndrome" you know how everything happens to other people but not you. I like to think I learned from other people's mistakes, but I probably didn't because, like you, I was determined to do what I wanted and couldn't see the forest for the trees. I'm not saying any of this to offend you. Sometimes I just wish each child, each generation could be born a little smarter than the previous one, could listen better, could learn faster, could grasp things better, could see into the future so they know what to do and what not to do. But they can't, so each child, each generation repeats the same mistakes. It seems such a vicious cycle and makes me wish I could inject your future hurts, pains, and mistakes into your head so you could see them the way I tried to present them to you. Alas, I and others are reduced to "some random people on a message board." And you're right, that's all we are.

To answer your question, no I likely would not cancel my wedding......not if I were your age, so your skepticism, your questioning our advice are expected and accepted. But, I'm not your age, I'm much older than you and made my own mistakes in life. No doubt you have many, many times heard someone say "If I knew then what I know now . . ." and that is where I am, but you do know now because we told you. Again, the vicious cycle of life. But let me ask you a question: What do you think it means? If we, here, and your family members and the other people you mentioned disagree with you, then what is the outcome supposed to be? Do you think we are all telling you "we think you are wrong, but marry him anyway"?

To begin your research, you can start right here. There are two or three other stepparent forums that I used to frequent, but this one will keep you busy reading for months. What you will find is the same thing over and over and over again....the same situations, the same complaints among different people with a few varied details thrown in. What I don't like about that forum is people view it mainly as a support forum, meaning they want mostly confirming responses, as opposed to common sense responses that might differ or disagree. So that boils down to they expect you to agree with whatever they do and say. Someone being selfish and outlandish in their way of thinking is supposed to receive pats on the back and well wishes LOL.

Nevertheless, you will learn a lot and will see your future. That is for you to choose or reject. It is your decision. None of the responses you received have really been a matter of telling you to call off your wedding. It's a matter of letting you know the mistake you are about to make, in that everything you determined you do not want in life is exactly what you will get if you marry this man. And letting you know, that you are unfair in your way of thinking. Yes, you only asked, "_WHY FIGHT THIS WHEN IT KEEPS THE PEACE_" but there is soooo much more in the details. It isn't hardly so simplistic as asking such a simple question. The bottom line is, you aren't going to have any peace, and the peace you are asking for right now is too much to ask of him. Again, I am trying to tell you he needs and wants to parent his child. He wants to make a home for his son to come to. He needs and wants you to be a supportive wife and stepmother. What you don't see is you are not supposed to ask that question. You are not supposed to want it if it is not the best thing for him and his son. The status quo is fine with you because you like it this way. But you're not supposed to like it because he doesn't like it. You talk about him dividing and maneuvering his time between son, plans, you and everything he has to do. That is all fine with you because you don't have to do it and you are not a father so you have no idea how he feels, but you wouldn't want to live that way. You also wouldn't want the man you love thinking it is the best thing to do, no matter your reason, no matter your reason being that it keeps the peace. You would want a supportive spouse, and that is what he deserves. That is not you. He deserves a wife who looks out for his best interest. His best interest is being able to properly, under the circumstances (being that he and the mother are not together), parent his son.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

RatherSharp said:


> I know this may be totally irrelevant but, I am the bread winner in my household. I'm not one of those women who would sit at the house couNting how much time my fiance' spends with his son. If anything he complains more than I do about not having weekends free to do stuff TOGETHER. I can't see myself being jealous that my fiance spends more time with his son than me. I'm not needy, dependent, or insecure, QUITE THE OPPOSITE actually. I have a gym membership, I kayak and I have 3 dogs. :lol::lol::lol:- I KNOW IT STILL MAY SEEM IRRELEVANT. I just can't forsee myself being this way. YA KNOW.... ALL EMOTIONAL. LOL.
> 
> Are you people saying this from experience?
> 
> Not all women are the same ya know. If I get yelled at by my boss, I don't cry.:lol:


You are right, it is totally irrelevant and kind of offensive that you would think that since you make the money your guy should not pursue having his child in his life as anything other than a visitor over at his mom's house?

Kayaking, crying, and dog ownership? Seriously? Are you making a joke or what?

I am taking the point of view of this kid who is a total rejection football in the making.

Every kid deserves the unrestrained love of their father and mother. If they cannot live in the same house and they've moved on to other intimates, there should always be room in their house for their kid.

If you really cannot see that, why the heck are you marrying this man?

Seriously, you are in for a world of grief if you do not see this.

And this guy you have? If he does not see this, that is the ultimate tragedy for his child.

Marriage is a step that presumably is for life in intent. Do you want to help foster a detached parenting of this child so you can kayak, run with your dogs and not cry?


----------



## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Ok so you're the bread winner, you're independent, have dogs blah blah blah we get that but you don't want kids while your fiance wants a room in YOUR house for his son. 

You agree with the ex wife because it is convenient for YOU but not your future husband who wants his child to be around in his own house so he can spend time with him and parent him in the convenience of his own home and not grandma's.

As the child gets older he might want to stay overnight at daddy's house too. How will you deal with that since you're happy *now* as long as you don't have to deal with the kid? What happens when you have to deal with him when he's actually PRESENT? Are you going to tell your husband to take him somewhere else or are you going to leave the house for several days till the kid's gone?

Your fiance _will_ fight for his son, whether you want it or not. He _will _bring him around whether you want it or not. Wanting a room for him is already a start. 

Since you are your own person, strong, courageous, independent and what not then why are you in this forum asking people for advice if you already know what you want?


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

RatherSharp said:


> I never stated she didn't want him to see his son, let alone me agreeing with it.





RatherSharp said:


> I THINK HE'S MORE PISSED AT THE FACT OF SHE AND I FINALLY AGREEING ON SOMETHING BUT IT'S AGAINST HIS OWN WISHES.


Not allowing him to see his own son in his own home is keeping his son from him. It’s so wrong and I find it hard to believe that a seemingly intelligent person like you can’t see that. The point, as sisters and S2010 explained, is that your fiancé shouldn’t have to “watch” his son at grandma’s house. He is a parent and has a right to parent his son in his own home. The child’s mom is very much keeping his son from him because she is not allowing him this very basic right. And if that’s what he wants (as he has clearly expressed to you that he does) he should be with a woman who understands that. 

You say this would only be an issue if your fiancé had full custody? In addition to all of the scenarios S2010 listed in her first post, what if something happens to the mom and he gets full custody? What then? With children you have to think of these things and that’s what everyone is trying to point out to you. The situation is not going to remain static. It won’t be okay for them to visit at grandma’s house forever. Things are going to change and your fiancé (as he already has) is going to want his child in his life more and more. As his partner you should be supporting him in this desire because it is what's best for him.


----------



## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

RatherSharp.. i have another out take on this.

do you love the man? 

yes he has a child, i have friends that do not feel comfortable or tend on having children and yes the way you asked the question made it seem like you do not like children and hey that is ok.

he has a child and yes the baby's mother is set against you... and you know what that is her issue and if the father takes her to court and he is a good man the child is 1/2 his and he can win more time with him and yes at his house.

a child is change but look at it this way it is part of the man you love. and since you don't want children you may love having a already made one... 

yes there messy yes there all about them (an they should be) but i bet if you spend time you will indeed feel ok with him

she has not alowed that and depending on the state you live in if father good and your ok then i don't think she would have a leg to stand on. 

again if you love the father open your heart and see if the love for the son could be there to you might surprise yourself.

i think you bf just wants to know you back him and in turn will have his back on this and other items.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RatherSharp said:


> The 3 days a week he has his son, is away from OUR life.


 This is the real issue. 

Are you seriously saying that you are willing to let your husband live in two homes for the next 16 years? M-Th with you, F-S at ex-grandma's? Because that's what you're marrying into. 

The REAL truth here is that, once you marry, you will start demanding that he STOP going to ex-grandma's because it's eating into YOUR time with him. Totally understandable. Then he gets to choose: keep my wife happy or abandon my child.

How do you think that marriage is going to end up?

The fact is, you DIDN'T choose a man with an ex who will let him share their son with you - unless he gets fed up and goes to court and gets him HALF TIME - at YOUR house. You chose a man with a wacky ex who is going to make your life hell.

This isn't about who's wrong or right, RS. It's about the long-term situation you're about to walk into. Which is going to end badly for everyone. Especially the little boy who will want nothing more than time with his dad, and he'll have to watch the two women in his dad's life fight about it, ad nauseum. And he'll blame himself.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm not trying to be harsh with you, as you seem to be taking on everyone who disagrees with you.

I'm pointing out that you aren't going to get what you want, not the way you're going.

Is it possible that it is not 'any woman' that this ex objects to, but rather YOU? Does she have a reason to? I'm just asking, because if you really want to marry this man, you will HAVE to find some way to make nice with these people. For everyone's sake. Right or wrong, this is what you have. So find a way to take the high road and show your loving, gracious side (the side that would make him want to marry you), and find a solution.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

"_In addition to all of the scenarios S2010 listed in her first post, what if something happens to the mom and he gets full custody? What then? With children you have to think of these things and that’s what everyone is trying to point out to you._"

WantsHappiness cannot have been more right. Like I said before, there is a whole gamut of issues and scenarios I can't possibly enumerate in a few posts. It has happened very often that dad ends up with the kids full time to the utter surprise and dismay of his second wife. But in all those instances that I read about, the wife worked to make the best of things as she could. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn't. Those that didn't was usually where the wife had issues about the child(ren) from the beginning, so her martyred efforts to make things work were really just feeble attempts for show. 

Uh oh Turnera. I have to disagree with you for once LOL. The high road is a selfless concept, but RatherSharp will sure regret that approach. This birth mom will never be reasoned with not even after she finds a man of her own. She is having too much fun wielding her power and running everybody's life. This will neither cease nor wane no matter what, so RS's gallant efforts will get thrown very harshly back in her face.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's not what I meant by high road. I meant to go into this with humility, not a chip on a shoulder. Honestly, isn't this whole thread about her attitude? She's mad. Her fiance is stuck between two mad women. He wants to see his son. He has to please his fiance. He has to see his son only according to ex's rules. 

HE is the one who is going to blow up at some point.

If RS could approach this in a conciliatory effort to HELP him find a solution that everyone can accept, her marriage will survive. If she can't, he'll silently fume, and his resentment will grow, until one day he just divorces her.


----------



## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

LOL I just thought of a really good test, RatherSharp, a way for you to test your love. Surely you know love is not selfish. It is about giving, compromising, sharing, caring, supporting, and so on, and that includes having to be all these things when you REALLY don't want to. After all the lectures we random folks on this message board have given you, see for yourself where you stand in the love department. You don't have to tell us. Just do this for yourself......and be painfully honest with yourself.

For some reason, he has not done this and just keeps cartwheeling to her demands. Some men think they have to do that. Actually, a lot of men think it. They don't realize they have parental rights they can easily exercise to get out from her clutches as much as possible. Someone like this BM is not going to loosen her clutch any more than the courts demand, meaning she will still continue to make life hell for him and for you, but at least he will have an order for visitation that works to his own advantage. I have no idea why he has not done this yet but like I said, perhaps he doesn't know he can.

And perhaps, it's a money issue because attorney fees are insane, and tack on the court costs to boot. Then, tack on the fact that these cases are never open and shut. He will likely have to go to court several times and pay for it and the lawyer each time. Then, tack on all the costs in surprises I cannot possibly predict to tell you about, and there will be costs you did not expect. Since you are the breadwinner, these costs fall on you. After all, the purpose of this test, and your test in life, is to learn as much about yourself as you can. Despite your words, despite the person you think yourself to be, and despite how much you SAY you love him, you can find out for certain how much of that is true.......if you are so daring and really want to. This is a small portion, just a glimpse of the life you are asking for, so check your brave soul demeanor and find where you are on the love meter. The meter has numbered notches 1-5 with 5 being very high and 1 being very low. Very high is true love - sacrificial, supportive, compromising, etc. Very low is emotional, needy, and selfish, where only your own needs count in the relationship.

Okay, ready? Here is your test........

Suggest to your fiance to take BM (birth mom) to court for visitation. Say to him, "Honey, I realize now I was wrong. You should be able to bring your son into our home to spend quality time with him, so I think you should take her to court." 

The court will award her a set amount for him to pay in child support and will award him custody status (joint custody or non-custodial parent custody or whatever), in addition to a regular visitation schedule like the one I mentioned in my first post.

If you decide you will not do this, then lower yourself to a 1 on the love meter. If you will do this wholeheartedly, then raise yourself to a 5 on the love meter. If you will do it within financial reason, then lower yourself from a 5 down to a 4 on the love meter. Four is still great, I should think, as I don't necessarily see you having to foot the whole bill. It's just that money out of his pocket is money out of the household you will compensate for, so it still works out pretty much the same.

I wouldn't suggest you take this step until you are married to him but to satisfy this test and see yourself for who you truly are, you must test today, make the decision today, and make the offer to him today. If you score a 4 or 5, then you have to make him the offer today because you can't score yourself now and then find some way to weasel out of it later, but tell him the two of you will do this after you are married.


----------



## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

Susan2010 said:


> "_In addition to all of the scenarios S2010 listed in her first post, what if something happens to the mom and he gets full custody? What then? With children you have to think of these things and that’s what everyone is trying to point out to you._"


Susan2010 - I agree with you on this point and is exactly what I was thinking. He has a son and you never know how things are going to work out. Ultimately the original poster has to make up her own mind but seriously, he has a child and could end up with more custody, full custody, etc. He should want that and hopefully as he grows up he'll want that. 



Susan2010 said:


> "_He should be the top priority NEVER you._"
> That's not true. No one should take precedence over a spouse. However, that is not the way it will turn out to be, and you will resent it bitterly. Believe me.


um, I have to take disagree with this more then any other statement that's been said here. When people decide to have a child (whether they got pregnant by accident or planned a baby is irrelevant) then split up the child(ren) should always be the top priority. Why should the children be punished for the adults' bad choices? I guess you see that everywhere now. People get together have a baby or two or 3 then down the road they split. The children become an inconvenience all of the sudden for the new lifestyle mom or dad wants to live. Heck mom wants to go get her drunk on and get laid and bring a different guy home every other week. And dad, well he's got a new car now and working on the ladies. Maybe he meets and marries someone who has kids or the new wife wants a baby. Oh and dad just doesn't have the time for his old kids, he's got to focus on his new family. It's BS!

People are so damn selfish it's sickening sometimes. They just want to do whatever feels good and screw everyone else, even if that means their own kids. People need to and should have some sense of honor and responsibility. They made the decisions that led them to having a child and once that's done they've accepted the responsibility of being a parent. You've made that choice and you need to suck it up. The point in all this is that your child should always be your priority, 100%. As a parent you're responsible for that child and doing the best you can. So you should never make a decision that is detrimental to the child's best interest to make some new girlfriend or even wife happy. Kids would probably be much better off if the parents just didn't date seriously, didn't re-marry and focused on being a parent. 

RatherSharp - if you don't want kids then power to you! I can totally see that point of view. But if that's what you want and feel that strongly it just doesn't make sense to be involved with someone with a child. No matter what the situation is like at the moment it can change in 6 months or 6 years. You have to decide if you can accept that and love that. People here are expressing strong onions because the boy is the one who looses out in the end. He's the innocent player in all this who doesn't have a say in what all the adults do to make themselves happy regardless of how it impacts him. 

You don't want kids and that's cool. But the problem is you don't come across as someone who will ever be particularly motherly and that's just not good for the kid. He deserves better. Hopefully your F will grow up over the years and want to be more involved with his son, as much as he can.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

What kind of family did you grow up in? Only child? Was your father invovled? Put yourself in this childs position- you were a child once- thank goodness your parents tollerated you and didn't kick you out of the house when you were a toddler. 
He deserves both parents in his life- it's not fair to him to cut him off from having a normal relationship with his father because his fathers new gf doesn't like kids- thats absurd! Things change and your fiance wants the child to be in his life- good for him- this is best for the child- stop being selfish and wanting YOUR life ALONE with your finace- he has a child- YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT!


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I still think the guy expects "she will change," no matter how ridiculous it might seem. I also ask you, OP, to imagine this from a child's perspective: the most important woman in his father's life doesn't want anything to do with him. YOU may see it logically, but a child will not. This is rejection, over and over again. 

And if his dad condones it, shame on him. You are probably a terrific person--but honestly, do you want to be with a man who chooses women who can push him around? That's why he's in this place to begin with! Had he taken a stand and insisted on 50% custody from the get-go--or as close to it, without her dictating the terms, but a court--he would now, as the child is beyond infancy, be moving into 50% territory, and he never would have met a woman who strongly prefers his child not be part of *their* lives. You think you can easily share him with his son--50/50 on custody of dad/husband. Maybe you can, but as a parent and teacher, I think this would be cruel to do to the child--not by you, but by his dad, to marry someone who rejects the child.

I'm not passing judgment on you--you have every right to a child-free life it that is your choice. But I think you are making a mistake by wanting to have it with a man who is a father, and he is making a much bigger mistake.


----------



## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

All I can say is that I feel really sad and heartbroken for this child. He has a mother who is using him to mess with her ex. He has a father who isn't standing up and defending what is best for him, and is letting grandma pick up the parental slack(THANK GOD FOR GRANDMA!). He has a soon-to-be-step-mother who doesn't want him around. This is nothing short of tragic.

My opinion? Your boyfriend is jumping the gun on marriage. He needs to get his life in order.

I am not trying to bash you, really. If the ex is really this horrible a person, then you are in for a long ride. She is going to pull crap with you FOREVER!

I'm sorry if you are not getting the responses you were hoping for. The answer here is simple really. You didn't want kids. You fell in love with a man who has a son. You can't change that fact. You either embrace that fact, and become a family with this man and his son, or you don't.

All I see here is a no win situation. A child that will feel unwanted and unwelcome by his step-parent. A mother who would rather have drama and war with her ex. A father who is caught in the middle trying to please everyone. Sad.


----------



## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Sorry- I was having an awful day yesterday- everyone else is putting it a little nicer. 

I think maybe you should at least meet the child- before you get married- he will be in his fathers life (hopefully) 

I had to find a roommate after moving back into my house- I was a little worried because she has 2 kids 50%(I do want kids someday, but have never lived with any), it took a little getting used to, but they are great kids and I kinda miss them when they aren't there- so you never know, but I think you should find out how you deal with his child before you marry him because he isn't going to go away- he needs his father's influence in his life- please don't try and take that away from him.


----------

