# Double standard..pet peeve. Need advice



## dentalgirl (May 13, 2011)

My spouse doesnt want to do any marriage counseling..says he is not paying some stranger to tell us how to live.. I explained all i could how it was more for fighting fair...unbiased opinion. someone trained and educated in that area...ect.. But recently during an argument, he says "that is why everyone thinks im crazy for the situation im in with you and kids". Obviously, i was livid.. when he saw how i freaked out and wanted to know who he was speaking to about our private life and my kids.. (who by the way are 19 and 24 and hardly ever around)... he wouldnt tell me.. said it was "his business".. when i wouldnt let it go..he finally said it was his father. (a man whom was never a father role model for him and never discribed by him as a wise or fair person). Well, so I dont really believe it was him.. more like some guy or girl at the office. I told him that family and friends always agree with you even if you are wrong. When I told him that I didnt feel his father would give advice or comments on just one side of an argument (dad being a retired attorney). He made it very clear that if i were to call his father and involve him in our fight, (as if he didnt already) that it was over.. 
I have a real problem with "do as i say not as i do". i dont like the double standard thing. If we cant seek professional help then i dont feel throwing your spouse under the bus..(metaphorically of course) is appropriate. In a lot of ways we are really good together and everyone fights, i know that, But i feel with the right tools (ie education and impartial listeners) that we wouldnt repeat stupid fights over and over and most of the ones we have wouldnt escilate to the level they have. I dropped my phone a couple of days ago, and when i asked him to use his to call the office... he didnt actually give it to me for a while... When i went to make call, the screen was defaulted to the ALL CALLS AND MESSAGES ERASED screen. So Im worried that the "person" he is confiding in is some woman at his work. Oh by the way.. that is where I met him.. at work.. he fired me so he could go on dating me.. (We used to laugh about that as now Im in dental which is my true calling and passion)


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I see HUGE red flags. He is hiding his phone calls and text messages from you and is talking with someone else about your marital problems. These are two major signs that he could be having an emotional affair. And the fact that the person with whom he is speaking is telling him negative things about you and the marriage is another red flag. Whoever he is confiding in is not a "friend of the marriage" and seems to have a vested interest in badmouthing you. This all points to a woman who wants your husband for herself.

My advice would be to take his phone when he's sleeping and see who he is texting/calling. Then you can see why he deleted all the messages/calls from his phone before allowing you to use it. If there is a way to access the cell phone records, that would also help. I discovere that my husband was having an EA that way - he was talking about me/our marriage to a young coworker and talking to her on the phone at great lenght.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He is sexually selfish and cheating to boot--you mentioned the shoulder rubs in another post, and now the strange phone behavior. He is clearly not trustworthy and his work-place behavior is totally inappropriate (now and then). I'm guessing he's the boss b/c he fired you, but touching a co-worker in the familiar way you describe is a huge opening for a law suit. He'd better hope the new girl doesn't decide to file against him. Tell him that and see how quickly his behavior changes. 

It really sounds like you could do with some individual counseling to help you learn to stand up for yourself--although you think you can continue without good sex forever, it will make you very vulnerable to another man's approaches, and very resentfull toward your husband's selfishness--a perfect combination for leading to an affiair. Of course, since he seems to be involved in one, you may think that yours won't matter, but unless you confront him on all these issues, you are heading in a very dangerous direction.

Make the appointment for joint counseling and go, even if he doesn't. Sooner or later, something will change--because you will grow and learn. Do it for yourself.


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