# Is he no longer interested or just wants some space?



## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

R


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Hi @Mary1234 Welcome to TAM.

Its really hard to tell from your post what is in his mind. It could all be perfectly legit, or not.

How about just talk to him? Tell him you’re feeling a little confused about your relationship and want to get his take on some things.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Hi @Mary1234 Welcome to TAM.
> 
> Its really hard to tell from your post what is in his mind. It could all be perfectly legit, or not.
> 
> How about just talk to him? Tell him you’re feeling a little confused about your relationship and want to get his take on some things.


Thank you for your reply! Yeah it is confusing. I just can’t tell if it’s normal for a guy to completely go from seeing eachother once a week to not seeing eachother for 2/3 weeks. I get he has been busy these past few weekends but I feel like he isn’t putting a lot of effort into us right now.  
Some of my friends are telling me to reach out and be forward and the other half our telling me not to bc his actions should speak for himself. So I really don’t know


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> Thank you for your reply! Yeah it is confusing. I just can’t tell if it’s normal for a guy to completely go from seeing eachother once a week to not seeing eachother for 2/3 weeks. I get he has been busy these past few weekends but I feel like he isn’t putting a lot of effort into us right now.
> Some of my friends are telling me to reach out and be forward and the other half our telling me not to bc his actions should speak for himself. So I really don’t know


Consider a reverse example where maybe you are unexpectedly being pulled many different ways to for one reason or the other. Suddenly your bf breaks up with you because he thought you were acting funny and not spending time with him. 

That is how miscommunications happen.

Talk to him and then watch to see if his actions match the words. Don’t skip the talking part. He can’t read your mind.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it could be that he is playing games with you to get you in bed ,the game of *Reverse Psychology*
*It's a form of manipulation (although not always). It occurs when someone says something or acts in a way opposite to what they actually want. As a result, the other person will often do what they really want or need to do. Most people won't know that they were manipulated, but deep down inside they may feel like they want to give in.*


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it looks like he is not that interested in you you seem to be doing most of the running and he is happy to take you up on it if he is free and if there is a chance of getting lucky, that is all the better on a night there is nothing going on,
THERE ARE 2 types of men there and because the men are the ones that do most of the putting themselves out there to get knocked down or excepted be women , they split into two groups the ones that get knocked down so each time they get pushed down by a woman it takes away a bit of their courage, 

to the day just don't do it and stop asking women out , then you have the second guy that he gets pushed back by women so he used tec and goes all out and asked all the women his app has matched with in the hope one fish will bite 

the app are just today's dance halls where the women are lined up waiting for a man to come and sweep them off their feet , but they don't just want a man he has to be Mr Right , if the right guy does not pop up women just stay lined up waiting 

men on the other side are lined up and hoping to pick a woman that will except him and his contact like in the old days man goes up and ask a girl to dance , he is the one putting himself out there and if he gets no too often he can go one way forget about the app or go the other way and use it to it full , 
your guy is using the app as much as he can and chatting with many girls to spread the risk , he is fishing with his biggest net ,


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

If I were you, I wouldn't have any heavy conversations about what's going on or what his feelings are. He's told you (truthfully or not) that he's still interested, he's just really busy. So all you need to do is sit back, relax, and WATCH HIM and what he does next to see where his feelings are.

I wouldn't chase him, or even text him again...just wait to see what HE shows you he wants. If he's interested in you, then he will contact you. It might take a few weeks for him to do so, and you have to decide if you are going to wait around for that long if he does, but you will certainly get your answer of how he feels if you let him SHOW YOU. A man's actions never lie...they will always show his real feelings.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

5 dates, including overnights, in one month. And no sex?

He probably figures you aren't into him and has stopped trying.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> 5 dates, including overnights, in one month. And no sex?
> 
> He probably figures you aren't into him and has stopped trying.


 sorry day if people think there should be sex in the first 5 dates , if he thinks that way she is best off without him


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> If I were you, I wouldn't have any heavy conversations about what's going on or what his feelings are. He's told you (truthfully or not) that he's still interested, he's just really busy. So all you need to do is sit back, relax, and WATCH HIM and what he does next to see where his feelings are.
> 
> I wouldn't chase him, or even text him again...just wait to see what HE shows you he wants. If he's interested in you, then he will contact you. It might take a few weeks for him to do so, and you have to decide if you are going to wait around for that long if he does, but you will certainly get your answer of how he feels if you let him SHOW YOU. A man's actions never lie...they will always show his real feelings.


This is spot on... 👌


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry day if people think there should be sex in the first 5 dates , if he thinks that way she is best off without him


Agreed. We didn't have sex for 3 months.....if he'd been blowing me off because he didn't get any after 5 dates he could've jumped off a bridge in my book.

3 1/2 years on we're at 3-5 times a week.

I agree with @LisaDiane......if he's interested he'll make some effort. I wouldn't contact him at all until you hear something from him and if it's excuses as to why he doesn't see you I'd move on. Men make time for women they really want.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I just don't get this 3 date rule , seems to me to be no different to one night stand , some men seem to think that they just have to charm the legs off a girl for 3 dates and at the end of the 3 date it is my place or yours, seems like escorting 
just when you book a escort you pay an agreed sum , and then you get what you pay for ,

3 date rule is I pay for dinner 3 times and i get payed back after so the only difference is one you pay first and get service the other you pay first and wait for the cake to cook , 

It is sad to think there is a set time to have sex I see nothing wrong with a girl that is happy to have sex with a guy on a first date , please don't get me wrong , but there is nothing wrong with the same girl waiting for the right time , even if she has a truck load of experience, , dating should not be about sex ,


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

frenchpaddy said:


> I just don't get this 3 date rule , seems to me to be no different to one night stand , some men seem to think that they just have to charm the legs off a girl for 3 dates and at the end of the 3 date it is my place or yours, seems like escorting
> just when you book a escort you pay an agreed sum , and then you get what you pay for ,
> 
> 3 date rule is I pay for dinner 3 times and i get payed back after so the only difference is one you pay first and get service the other you pay first and wait for the cake to cook ,
> ...


And it doesn't need to be a lot of money. Our first date was a $5 planetarium show.

You should spend a little time getting to know each other and if sex happens organically then great.

If you haven’t had sex in 6 months that might tell you something unless there's a reason you're waiting (like religion). Bur a 3-5 date "rule"? Get outta here.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You are putting too much stock in the texting / communication between dates. You have seen each other 5x that's it. There is no commitment here. IMO you crossed some boundaries by staying at his place & having him over to yours. Going to someone's house is generally a signal for sex. No sex happened because you didn't want it to happen which is fine but he may think you are being a tease & he's never going to get sex so he's moving on to greener pastures. I am NOT saying you have to have sex before you are ready but I am giving you a possible explanation for his disappearing act. 

I can understand why he didn't take you to a wedding. Weddings are expensive & he may not have been invited with a +1 but there was no reason you could not have been included in the friends get together. The fact that you were not indicates lack of interest IMO.

What do you want? If you would like to see him again, you may have to reach out & organize the next date. On the date ask about the wedding & begin discussing your expectation. You need to find out if you are on the same page. If you don't take action to see him, I have no reason to believe he will reach out to you. If he does pop back up in September after he's had his summer fun, what does that tell you about where you rank?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I’m a guy and pretty dense about some stuff.
If you (as my gf) make decisions about how I think and feel without talking to me, then that’s on you.

All the “watch and see what he does” stuff is just games in my opinion.
Be an adult and have an adult conversation if you want to know something.
”are we on the same page” is a perfectly valid question.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m a guy and pretty dense about some stuff.
> If you (as my gf) make decisions about how I think and feel without talking to me, then that’s on you.
> 
> All the “watch and see what he does” stuff is just games in my opinion.
> ...


You don't make an effort for a woman you're interested in?

Serious question.

I don't see it as playing games, it's just that IME men who don't make much effort aren't that interesting.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Some people seek partnerships and relationships and some people seek dates. 

Sounds like you are at least interested in seeking a consistent partnership where you are a part of each other’s lives and are at least seeing each other on a somewhat consistent and ongoing basis.

But for him it might be that he likes getting out of the house and going out with this cool chick when time and his schedule allows.

I don’t see any foul play here. I think you two are just on different levels of what you want at the moment. 

It doesn’t sound like he is a player or a womanizer or just trying to score some tail and then move on. 

But it doesn’t sound like getting into a serious relationship within a month of meeting is on his agenda either. Sounds like he is cool with going on some casual dates with you for now. 

He may be casually be seeing other people as well. 

From a guy’s perspective, I think it’s ok to shoot him a txt if you are wanting to get together on a particular day if you have the time available and are wanting to something and either he’ll be available or he won’t. 

But I do think you need to ratchet back your expectations and slow it down a bit and see where things go organically. 

For the moment shift your outlook from riding off into the sunset with Mr Right to getting out of the house for a fun Saturday night date. 

And if he’s not meeting your requirements as a potential relationship that you want, then go back on the market yourself.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> You don't make an effort for a woman you're interested in?
> 
> Serious question.
> 
> I don't see it as playing games, it's just that IME men who don't make much effort aren't that interesting.



As a guy, we need to see interest and initiative too. 

It’s not about not wanting to make effort. It’s about wanting to see some interest and reciprocation in return.

The crux is what men and women see as “effort” can be night and day different from each other.

What men see as effort is building pyramids and launching rockets to the moon.

What women see as effort is a subtle smile or an eye pop. 

In a man’s world, “wait-and-see” means nothing will happen but waiting for something that will never happen.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> You don't make an effort for a woman you're interested in?
> 
> Serious question.
> 
> I don't see it as playing games, it's just that IME men who don't make much effort aren't that interesting.


My perception of effort and my woman's perception of effort may not align perfectly. How many times did I buy the bestest most awesome gift in the world only to hear "meh". I was 35 before I learned not to buy things that plug in! 

Communication closes those gaps.

The more comfortable I feel around her, the more comfortable I might feel to go visit my friends or have other activities. But if she took that as a bad sign, I might be unaware of her concerns.

I've personally acted in ways that seemed harsh or uninterested when the complete opposite was true. I was just blissfully unaware of the impact it had. It took some training before I learned how to communicate better with actions. And I also find that how much action/communication each woman requires is different. So what is ok with one is not ok with another. Communication helps with that gap too.

Rather than sort through all that "maybe this, maybe that, lets just see" stuff I value simple/straightforward communication so I can respond (or not). Maybe that's just me though.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m a guy and pretty dense about some stuff.
> If you (as my gf) make decisions about how I think and feel without talking to me, then that’s on you.
> 
> All the “watch and see what he does” stuff is just games in my opinion.
> ...


It's not a game at all...she's already shown him her interest by reaching out several times when he's said he's too busy, and she's already had adult conversations about wanting to get together and he hasn't given her any definitive answer about what his plans are when he gets back. That's why she's still confused.

It's not a "game" to give someone the space to decide what they want to do without constantly asking them...that's how she can tell if he is really interested too, if he wants to see her again once he isn't busy anymore.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

D0nnivain said:


> You are putting too much stock in the texting / communication between dates. You have seen each other 5x that's it. There is no commitment here. IMO you crossed some boundaries by staying at his place & having him over to yours. Going to someone's house is generally a signal for sex. No sex happened because you didn't want it to happen which is fine but he may think you are being a tease & he's never going to get sex so he's moving on to greener pastures. I am NOT saying you have to have sex before you are ready but I am giving you a possible explanation for his disappearing act.
> 
> I can understand why he didn't take you to a wedding. Weddings are expensive & he may not have been invited with a +1 but there was no reason you could not have been included in the friends get together. The fact that you were not indicates lack of interest IMO.
> 
> ...


I THINK one should be able invite someone to their house with they thinking , "yeepee i am getting it tonight " 
what happened to walking your girl home and stopping in for a warm cuppa on a cold night and getting to know each other a little more , without giving them more what is wrong if you drive to a show give 4h enjoying QUEEN or Lady gaga drive home and staying over if tired or just too much ice on the road , I did it often and never tried more on .

for me Weddings are a formal thing if you take someone to a wedding your saying your a couple , you have got past the talk are we official and not dating others 

I agree with the last point in this world there is nothing wrong with the girl asking him on a date when the door was open he said I am going to a wedding ,the next thing would be are you free next WE I would love if you could come to x , and if he turns up next sep I would tell him sorry I am not interested


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It's not a game at all...she's already shown him her interest by reaching out several times when he's said he's too busy, and she's already had adult conversations about wanting to get together and he hasn't given her any definitive answer about what his plans are when he gets back. That's why she's still confused.
> 
> It's not a "game" to give someone the space to decide what they want to do without constantly asking them...that's how she can tell if he is really interested too, if he wants to see her again once he isn't busy anymore.


if he was interested when he told her this weekend he was going to a WEDDING it was his chance to ask her if she was interested in doing something next weekend but he said" a wedding and that’s when I said I was going to see if he wanted to stop by my friends party this weekend but that I hoped he has fun at the wedding. He replied very friendly and said he would if he was in town but that he hopes I have a nice weekend. " 
he was just letting her down softly


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> It's not a game at all...she's already shown him her interest by reaching out several times when he's said he's too busy, and she's already had adult conversations about wanting to get together and he hasn't given her any definitive answer about what his plans are when he gets back. That's why she's still confused.
> 
> It's not a "game" to give someone the space to decide what they want to do without constantly asking them...that's how she can tell if he is really interested too, if he wants to see her again once he isn't busy anymore.


When I say 'adult conversations' I'm thinking more about 'are we an item' or 'are we on the same page' or 'what do you think of us' type of things. Not so much about weekend plans.

If I read this correctly, OP has a concern about whether she is misunderstanding who they are as a couple.

I personally think she is right to be concerned, he doesn't seem like a lovestruck man.

However, I think it's better and possibly more accurate to just talk about this, rather than to make assumptions about his intent. If they had been together for a longer time then she would have a known pattern of behavior over a long time to make better judgments. But in this scenario, I would opt for just asking about it.

And really what is the risk? If OP takes the path of "watch and see" and there is outcome X... as opposed to asking directly about it and there is outcome X... why not take the direct approach?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> My perception of effort and my woman's perception of effort may not align perfectly. How many times did I buy the bestest most awesome gift in the world only to hear "meh". I was 35 before I learned not to buy things that plug in!
> 
> Communication closes those gaps.
> 
> ...


Appreciate the explanation. I just know that my bf is far from the smoothest guy I've ever known...I'd say he was somewhat awkward in our early days so hardly a ladies man. But he make a lot of effort to see more of me and I wss definitely receptive and so here we are.

If he hadn't made much effort to see me I'd have assumed he wasn't that interested and moved on. I guess she could ask him what's up and if he's vague she'll have her answer.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

frenchpaddy said:


> I just don't get this 3 date rule


What 3 days rule??? I always thought it was the same day rule. 

Now seriously, I'm with @LisaDiane, OP has made herself available and presented her interest, while the dude whether is legit or not, just keeps acknowledging, but that's it. Time for OP to just sit tight and wait a little longer to see if he will pursue. If he doesn't or just continues non committal, then OP has her answers. Time to say goodbye.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Here’s the thing:
It’s all about interest level. Women have thousands of men to choose from if online dating. Men have quite a few too, and there’s always a new few coming along. A man that’s sure enough interested will make it known that he is, will make the effort to schedule tone, etc. it makes no difference how quick the sex happens if he’s interested in a long term thing.

honestly, I know within 3 dates if a woman is a possible marriage prospect. If not, I generally let the effort die out and move on.

It sounds to me that he’s lost interest but keeping you on the hook in case he has a “dry spell”. I’d keep looking. You can bet he is.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d keep looking. You can bet he is.


I would say that she can bet that he is more than looking, based on the length of time that he's been blowing her.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

As others have said, actions speak louder than words. 

A man who can't wait to see you will find a way to see you.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

theloveofmylife said:


> As others have said, actions speak louder than words.
> 
> A man who can't wait to see you will find a way to see you.


I second this! You don't have to wait because he won't give you the chance to. He will already be making plans on when he's going to see you next, what you will be doing, where he's taking you and things like that.

With my now boyfriend, I didn't want to repeat the cycle of, let me call and see if he wants to do something today. I liked him a lot, but didn't want to seem too available. He did the chasing, and almost 3 years later is still showing me he's interested. I also put in effort as well so he doesn't feel like it's just him.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry day if people think there should be sex in the first 5 dates , if he thinks that way she is best off without him


Not just 5 dates but an overnight. The dude is 28. If she sleeps over, and sex doesn't happen, he's gonna think she's not into him. 

If he's valuable enough to attract other women, he's probably friend zoned her after that. No matter how interested he was to begin with.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DownButNotOut said:


> Not just 5 dates but an overnight. The dude is 28. If she sleeps over, and sex doesn't happen, he's gonna think she's not into him.
> 
> If he's valuable enough to attract other women, he's probably friend zoned her after that. No matter how interested he was to begin with.


You’re kind of assuming that he tied to get in her knickers and that she rejected the sex. 

She did not say that. She said they fooled around (whatever that means to her) but she made it sound like he didn’t try to have sex with her. 

So I don’t think this is a case of her holding out or making him wait.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

oldshirt said:


> You’re kind of assuming that he tied to get in her knickers and that she rejected the sex.
> 
> She did not say that. She said they fooled around (whatever that means to her) but she made it sound like he didn’t try to have sex with her.
> 
> So I don’t think this is a case of her holding out or making him wait.


I took this from OP original post to mean she showed him the red light.



> We also have not slept together yet and he is super respectful about that.


Regardless, after a month of dates it sounds to me like he has, for one reason or other, decided to move on. She just hasn't figured that out yet.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Not just 5 dates but an overnight. The dude is 28. If she sleeps over, and sex doesn't happen, he's gonna think she's not into him.
> 
> If he's valuable enough to attract other women, he's probably friend zoned her after that. No matter how interested he was to begin with.


does he think the same for his male friends if he goes out with them to the bar and football matches and they don't suck him off they are not good friends ,


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Nah, three weeks without making time for you is him losing some interest. I would not keep contacting him or asking for him to explain, but that's me. I would start dating other people instead.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownButNotOut said:


> Regardless, after a month of dates it sounds to me like he has, for one reason or other, decided to move on. She just hasn't figured that out yet.


true just sad if a man thinks a woman needs to drop her panties by date 5


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Nah, three weeks without making time for you is him losing some interest. I would not keep contacting him or asking for him to explain, but that's me. I would start dating other people instead.


 yes I would stop contacting him and if he does not contact her in 2 weeks I would block him move on and if he is only out for sex she missed a bullet


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> sorry day if people think there should be sex in the first 5 dates , if he thinks that way she is best off without him


People are all different on that, but people just have to do what they feel like doing about that, I think. It's pretty basic compatibility, so I wouldn't really want either going out on a limb into something uncomfortable or unnatural to them (him waiting when he wouldn't if they were married, for example; her giving in when she wouldn't if they were married or would have regrets, for example). 

He is now showing her that he is not all that interested in her anymore by his actions. It may be for all the wrong reasons, but it's still who he is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> I just don't get this 3 date rule , seems to me to be no different to one night stand , some men seem to think that they just have to charm the legs off a girl for 3 dates and at the end of the 3 date it is my place or yours, seems like escorting
> just when you book a escort you pay an agreed sum , and then you get what you pay for ,
> 
> 3 date rule is I pay for dinner 3 times and i get payed back after so the only difference is one you pay first and get service the other you pay first and wait for the cake to cook ,
> ...


Because that's about as long as a lot of people can hold out before they want sex, especially young active horny people with options. And that's true for men or women. Conventional wisdom has always told the woman to hold out to get respect. But reality is young women often want to have sex right away and sometimes they do, whether it becomes a long-term relationship or not, just like men.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> true just sad if a man thinks a woman needs to drop her panties by date 5


The irony is a lot of men lose respect if you do but will still press for sex first date. Reality.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> My perception of effort and my woman's perception of effort may not align perfectly. How many times did I buy the bestest most awesome gift in the world only to hear "meh". I was 35 before I learned not to buy things that plug in!
> 
> Communication closes those gaps.
> 
> ...


The fact you do things that give the wrong message is not a good thing. It seems like a lack of empathy, like you don't care about if she is anxious or worried.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m a guy and pretty dense about some stuff.
> If you (as my gf) make decisions about how I think and feel without talking to me, then that’s on you.
> 
> All the “watch and see what he does” stuff is just games in my opinion.
> ...





LisaDiane said:


> It's not a game at all...she's already shown him her interest by reaching out several times when he's said he's too busy, and she's already had adult conversations about wanting to get together and he hasn't given her any definitive answer about what his plans are when he gets back. That's why she's still confused.
> 
> It's not a "game" to give someone the space to decide what they want to do without constantly asking them...that's how she can tell if he is really interested too, if he wants to see her again once he isn't busy anymore.



What I see as game playing is if someone is doing something they don’t really want to do (or NOT doing something they DO want to do) in an effort to influence or change someone else’s behavior.

So whether she’s playing games or not kind of depends on her own motivations and agendas. 

If there is a band playing in town that she really wants him to go see with her. - but instead of asking him about it, she sits on her hands to see what he will do …. And then judge him if he doesn’t do what she wants, I would see that as playing games. 

If she really wants to see him and wants to go out with him but instead of making her interests known, she feigns disinterest or plays hard to get in an effort to get him to chase or at least bump up his game - I see that as game playing and manipulative. 

In general, I think people should be open and upfront about their interests and what they want. People are either going to meet them halfway or part way or all the way, or they are not. 

I think she has put in some honest effort and made her interests known to one degree or another. 

If she wants to get with him this week, I think she should say so. 

If he is again “busy” and he does not come back with an immediate counter offer, there is her sign.

If she thinks to herself, I’ve tried and I’m tired of getting rejected and getting nowhere so she stops calling and stops putting it out and sees what he does whether it be contacting her or never hearing from him again, that’s NOT game playing. That’s just simply being tired of being rejected and the relationship not going where she wants it to go - then NEXT. 

So game playing vs “I’ve tried, now the ball is in his court,” can be two different things depending on where her head is at and her motives behind it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> The irony is a lot of men lose respect if you do but will still press for sex first date. Reality.


 true you dammed if you do and dammed if you don't


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Because that's about as long as a lot of people can hold out before they want sex, especially young active horny people with options. And that's true for men or women. Conventional wisdom has always told the woman to hold out to get respect. But reality is young women often want to have sex right away and sometimes they do, whether it becomes a long-term relationship or not, just like men. " If there is a band playing in town that she really wants him to go see with her. - but instead of asking him about it, she sits on her hands to see what he will do …. And then judge him if he doesn’t do what she wants, I would see that as playing games. "


and nothing wrong with that , game playing happens on both sides as oldshirt said 


oldshirt said:


> What I see as game playing is if someone is doing something they don’t really want to do (or NOT doing something they DO want to do) in an effort to influence or change someone else’s behavior.
> 
> So whether she’s playing games or not kind of depends on her own motivations and agendas.
> 
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We also need to consider what “busy” means.

Everyone is “busy” at all times forever. The lawn always needs to be mowed, the car needs to be washed and the cat needs to go to the vet. 

What a relationship boils down to is where on someone’s list of things to do and their hierarchy of needs does the other fall and what role does each play in the others life. 

If he is too “busy” to see her; Is it that his mother is on her death bed gasping his name to come to her? 

Or is his car due for a radiator flush?

A man who really wants to be with a woman in partnership, will want her by his side as his mother is dying and he will call in to work and cancel appointments to be by her side as her mother is dying. 

A guy that just wants a Saturday date might arrange to meet her at Starbucks when his car is done getting serviced at Jiffy Lube. 

Men will move mountains to be with the woman they want to be in a partnership with. 

He will climb the highest mountains, cross the fastest rivers and wade chest-deep through snake and alligator infested swamps to be with the one he loves. 

But a guy won’t be late for a haircut appointment if it’s just some gal he thinks is cute but just wants to hang at the bar with on a Saturday night.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I've always been slow at dating. I had many dates with my husband before kissing him for the first time. I'm someone who needs the other person to initiate. It might be annoying for some men, but I need to be sure the other person is not playing with my feelings. 5 dates for me is too soon to have some type of expectations. I'd go with the flow and wait until he's interested in going out again. 

Some people don't like to go out every weekend. If he has a full time job and also plans for the weekend, he could be tired, I know I would be exhausted! 

If I were you, I'd wait. If he's interested, he'll at least text to say hi. Next time you see him you can ask him if he's interested in having a relationship with you. Nothing wrong to know what his intentions are.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

I do like your perspective thank you. So if I were to take texting and snap chatting out of the equation I guess I would say that in the first month I thought things were pretty consistent, we were seeing each other once a week. Which to me seems like someone that appears like they want to potentially form a relationship. 
But now that it has been 3 weeks since we have seen each other it makes me feel like something shifted? It be different if we were originally only seeing each other once every two weeks but it’s more the sudden change. 
Now I do understand that 2 of the weekends he was busy and I could cut him some slack even though I’m not sure why he wouldn’t try to see me on a weekday. 
The most recent time we saw each other was at my place and that I did initiate and then I also asked him if he wanted to come to a party with me last weekend but he was out of town. So part of me does feel like the ball is in his court to ask me to do something but I’m also open to hitting him up myself again as well. I don’t know what to do though I don’t want to annoy him if he is trying to send a message that he is not interested. But I also want to make sure there’s no miscommunication or something is up.



oldshirt said:


> Some people seek partnerships and relationships and some people seek dates.
> 
> Sounds like you are at least interested in seeking a consistent partnership where you are a part of each other’s lives and are at least seeing each other on a somewhat consistent and ongoing basis.
> 
> ...


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

OK but what does not make sense is that when he came to my place three weeks ago we didn’t even go into my apartment we went up to my rooftop. When we made this plan we made it five days in advance so it wasn’t a last minute thing where I invited him to come over. Towards the end of the evening he did go into my room to use the bathroom and we did kind of start making out on the bed but this time around he wasn’t trying to get too carried away. It might’ve been because my roommate was in the kitchen and he felt uncomfortable but if he was trying to get laid on that visit he didn’t make it very apparent. The other times we have hung out and I have spent the night I know he wanted to have sex in the moment and I even told him that I really wanted to as well but that I wanted to wait a little while more. What I mean is that he is super respectful and he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. Even if his goal was to get laid it’s not like I said no to having sex I just said I needed more time so you’d think he’d be more intrigued in trying to have sex with me especially after all the work that he’s been putting in. I don’t think that he is trying to just have sex though. All of his friends are married and I just get the impression that he wants to have a relationship. That’s just my impression I don’t know for sure




frenchpaddy said:


> it looks like he is not that interested in you you seem to be doing most of the running and he is happy to take you up on it if he is free and if there is a chance of getting lucky, that is all the better on a night there is nothing going on,
> THERE ARE 2 types of men there and because the men are the ones that do most of the putting themselves out there to get knocked down or excepted be women , they split into two groups the ones that get knocked down so each time they get pushed down by a woman it takes away a bit of their courage,
> 
> to the day just don't do it and stop asking women out , then you have the second guy that he gets pushed back by women so he used tec and goes all out and asked all the women his app has matched with in the hope one fish will bite
> ...


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Thank you! Yes I guess what bothers me is How in the first month we were seeing each other once a week and now it’s been three weeks. itd be different if we were only seeing each other once every two weeks but it’s the setting shift. I mean I don’t know how guys operate maybe now that he knows that I like him he’s able to relax a little bit and doesn’t feel as much of an urgency. Maybe he has genuinely been busy the past three weeks. 
QUOTE="pastasauce79, post: 20588513, member: 322650"]
I've always been slow at dating. I had many dates with my husband before kissing him for the first time. I'm someone who needs the other person to initiate. It might be annoying for some men, but I need to be sure the other person is not playing with my feelings. 5 dates for me is too soon to have some type of expectations. I'd go with the flow and wait until he's interested in going out again.

Some people don't like to go out every weekend. If he has a full time job and also plans for the weekend, he could be tired, I know I would be exhausted!

If I were you, I'd wait. If he's interested, he'll at least text to say hi. Next time you see him you can ask him if he's interested in having a relationship with you. Nothing wrong to know what his intentions are.
[/QUOTE]


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> OK but what does not make sense is that when he came to my place three weeks ago we didn’t even go into my apartment we went up to my rooftop. When we made this plan we made it five days in advance so it wasn’t a last minute thing where I invited him to come over. Towards the end of the evening he did go into my room to use the bathroom and we did kind of start making out on the bed but this time around he wasn’t trying to get too carried away. It might’ve been because my roommate was in the kitchen and he felt uncomfortable but if he was trying to get laid on that visit he didn’t make it very apparent. The other times we have hung out and I have spent the night I know he wanted to have sex in the moment and I even told him that I really wanted to as well but that I wanted to wait a little while more. What I mean is that he is super respectful and he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. Even if his goal was to get laid it’s not like I said no to having sex I just said I needed more time so you’d think he’d be more intrigued in trying to have sex with me especially after all the work that he’s been putting in. I don’t think that he is trying to just have sex though. All of his friends are married and I just get the impression that he wants to have a relationship. That’s just my impression I don’t know for sure


If a guy isn't getting what he wants when he thinks he's going to get it, and a challenge is presented (you wanting to wait longer), in my experience and opinion... he is going to move on to the one who gives him what he was looking for. I could always be wrong.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

This is what I hope isn’t the case. The convo went something like this:
Me: hey stranger guess where I was last night
Him: what’s up? Where were u last night?
Me: (insert place that we went on for first date)
Him: oh nice! What were u exactly doing there?! What did u do there?
Me: I was with a friend grabbing a drink! But how have u been lately?
Him: I’ve been great! Im actually on the way to (insert city) for a wedding. 
me: oh cool! I was actually going to see if you wanted to go to my this party Saturday my friends and I are having.But we will have to do it any other time!
Him: yes I totally would if I was in town! Im sorry 
Me: it’s okay! Have fun at the wedding
Him: thank you!! have fun at your party!!

So i’m not really sure how to read into that exchange. He does seem pretty curious about what I was doing at that date spot which is interesting? The question is what he has actually gone to the party or was he just being nice. I agree though that that was kind of his chance to say some thing like why don’t we get together this week or something but IDK



frenchpaddy said:


> frenchpaddy said:
> 
> 
> > if he was interested when he told her this weekend he was going to a WEDDING it was his chance to ask her if she was interested in doing something next weekend but he said" a wedding and that’s when I said I was going to see if he wanted to stop by my friends party this weekend but that I hoped he has fun at the wedding. He replied very friendly and said he would if he was in town but that he hopes I have a nice weekend. "
> > he was just letting her down softly


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Well if that were the case then I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


Works said:


> If a guy isn't getting what he wants when he thinks he's going to get it, and a challenge is presented (you wanting to wait longer), in my experience and opinion... he is going to move on to the one who gives him what he was looking for. I could always be wrong.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

also if he was trying to get me anything for my house he did not make that obvious at all. Like he didn’t really make a move on me other than when he made out with me? He didn’t even try to takeoff my clothes lol. At least the first few times that I hung out with her clothes came off

QUOTE="Works, post: 20588587, member: 242193"]
If a guy isn't getting what he wants when he thinks he's going to get it, and a challenge is presented (you wanting to wait longer), in my experience and opinion... he is going to move on to the one who gives him what he was looking for. I could always be wrong.
[/QUOTE]


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> Well if that were the case then I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


These days, it's honestly difficult to tell. But I wouldn't wait around for someone who is already showing a lack of effort. After my ex and I split, I met this guy who I thought I hit it off with, we chatted, planned to meet up and when I realized where (his hotel room), I said no thanks... and he never messaged me again after. I know your situation is by far very different.. but there are plenty of guys out there who will show sincere interest. Don't be anyone's second choice...


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

yeah I get that it’s just frustrating bc he was showing consistent interest in the beginning and out of nowhere kinda stopped trying and I wonder why. 

some of my theories are:

A: he thought he was ready for a relationship and then thought more about it and decided he wasn’t ready for that and he can sense that what we have going on currently is heading in that direction and now he is trying to slow it down by pulling away or he is just going to stop trying to see me and hopes I’ll back off bc he can tell I’d want a relationship and he doesn’t want us both getting too attached.

B: he has someone else that re entered the picture or he met someone else.

C: he right now only wants someone to casually date and he noticed that things were moving fast and is trying to slow it down or he feels I want a relationship and wouldn’t be down with casually dating so is going to not even try seeing me again 

D: he has some commit issues

E: he just wants to hook up or decided that’s what he wants and realizes I’m not like that so is going to stop wasting time.

F: He literally has no idea how to date and doesn’t think there is a problem 






Works said:


> These days, it's honestly difficult to tell. But I wouldn't wait around for someone who is already showing a lack of effort. After my ex and I split, I met this guy who I hit it off with, we chatted, planned to meet up and when I realized where (his hotel room), I said no thanks... and he never messaged me again after. I know your situation is by far very different.. but there are plenty of guys out there who will show sincer interest. Don't be anyone's second choice...


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> yeah I get that it’s just frustrating bc he was showing consistent interest in the beginning and out of nowhere kinda stopped trying and I wonder why.
> 
> some of my theories are:
> 
> ...


Or he could've had someone all along..


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Mary1234 said:


> I do like your perspective thank you. So if I were to take texting and snap chatting out of the equation I guess I would say that in the first month I thought things were pretty consistent, we were seeing each other once a week. Which to me seems like someone that appears like they want to potentially form a relationship.
> But now that it has been 3 weeks since we have seen each other it makes me feel like something shifted? It be different if we were originally only seeing each other once every two weeks but it’s more the sudden change.
> Now I do understand that 2 of the weekends he was busy and I could cut him some slack even though I’m not sure why he wouldn’t try to see me on a weekday.
> The most recent time we saw each other was at my place and that I did initiate and then I also asked him if he wanted to come to a party with me last weekend but he was out of town. So part of me does feel like the ball is in his court to ask me to do something but I’m also open to hitting him up myself again as well. I don’t know what to do though I don’t want to annoy him if he is trying to send a message that he is not interested. But I also want to make sure there’s no miscommunication or something is up.


Oldshirt is right, if you and he are in the same city, and he is NOT making you any kind of a priority, there is definitely something amiss.

If the woman I love, and WANT to be with, was in the same general area, state, or country, I'd be all over her as much as I could, even every single day. A two hour drive to be with her for a couple of hours would be a pleasure to make.

However, with the distance between us, Covid-19, including the travel restrictions, and now the stupid war in Ukraine, as well as family complications on both sides, it is not easy to just make things happen so easily.

If you are what he wants, he's certainly not showing you that. If you think he is worth waiting for, continue to be at his disposal and clearly communicate to him your desire to see and be with him. 

He should be up front and tell you that he is not interested. If he can't do that, and continues to ghost you, he's taking the cowardly way out.

JMHO.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> This is what I hope isn’t the case. The convo went something like this:
> Me: hey stranger guess where I was last night
> Him: what’s up? Where were u last night?
> Me: (insert place that we went on for first date)
> ...





Mary1234 said:


> Well if that were the case then I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


 I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> OK but what does not make sense is that when he came to my place three weeks ago we didn’t even go into my apartment we went up to my rooftop. When we made this plan we made it five days in advance so it wasn’t a last minute thing where I invited him to come over. Towards the end of the evening he did go into my room to use the bathroom and we did kind of start making out on the bed but this time around he wasn’t trying to get too carried away. It might’ve been because my roommate was in the kitchen and he felt uncomfortable but if he was trying to get laid on that visit he didn’t make it very apparent. The other times we have hung out and I have spent the night I know he wanted to have sex in the moment and I even told him that I really wanted to as well but that I wanted to wait a little while more. What I mean is that he is super respectful and he doesn’t want to make me feel uncomfortable. Even if his goal was to get laid it’s not like I said no to having sex I just said I needed more time so you’d think he’d be more intrigued in trying to have sex with me especially after all the work that he’s been putting in. I don’t think that he is trying to just have sex though. All of his friends are married and I just get the impression that he wants to have a relationship. That’s just my impression I don’t know for sure


I must say the guy is cool , a real Harvey Spector from suits , if your into cool guys I would say go for it , if you want a relationship for marriage pass sorry he sounds a good guy at the same time


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Works said:


> Or he could've had someone all along..


Yes I agree that’s what I meant with point B. Do u feel that is the case in this situation?


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

ah_sorandy said:


> Oldshirt is right, if you and he are in the same city, and he is NOT making you any kind of a priority, there is definitely something amiss.
> 
> If the woman I love, and WANT to be with, was in the same general area, state, or country, I'd be all over her as much as I could, even every single day. A two hour drive to be with her for a couple of hours would be a pleasure to make.
> 
> ...


Yeah I am not waiting around at all. I guess I just don’t understand how he out of nowhere disappeared


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> I must say the guy is cool , a real Harvey Spector from suits , if your into cool guys I would say go for it , if you want a relationship for marriage pass sorry he sounds a good guy at the same time


Wait what?


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

I guess I would just be surprised because I really did not get that impression whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong I am not naïve I have had guys that I realize were only after one thing but this guy did not seem like that. If he just wanted sex then I feel like he would stick around if anything because we were getting close to that point


QUOTE="frenchpaddy, post: 20588599, member: 349847"]
I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.
[/QUOTE]


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mary1234 said:


> Well if that were the case then I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


If he were just wanting sex, he would be trying to have sex. His intents would be more focused. 

I think you’ve simply put a lot more emotional investment and visions of a future together than him so far. 

I don’t think there’s any malfeasance here,, you’re just not on the same page. 

You’re in car driving on the interstate towards a relationship and possible life together,,,, while he is on a moped poking around on some back roads through the park. 

You’re simply not on the same path together.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> Wait what?


 depends on how you are with things , if your up for a fun romantic evening , I would say go for it and enjoy yourself , 
if you have any feeling that it was wrong , invite him out and do some straight talking , see what he is made of both ways you get to know what is on his mind , 
you sound a fun couple and what ever happens I wish both well 


Mary1234 said:


> I guess I would just be surprised because I really did not get that impression whatsoever. Don’t get me wrong I am not naïve I have had guys that I realize were only after one thing but this guy did not seem like that. If he just wanted sex then I feel like he would stick around if anything because we were getting close to that point
> 
> 
> QUOTE="frenchpaddy, post: 20588599, member: 349847"]
> I would assume that he is looking for sex and not an actual relationship.


[/QUOTE]


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> Yes I agree that’s what I meant with point B. Do u feel that is the case in this situation?


I feel like others here have given more in depth advice than myself.. I am usually a one liner.... But I feel like you're giving this way more attention than it deserves. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't continue wondering. I would've moved on. But that may stem from having been married and putting up with things I now know I didn't need to. While I have a boyfriend now, in the beginning, I cut him zero slack to make sure he indeed was interested in me... I didn't chase, I wasn't too available, I barely called...

When a guy wants to be with a person, he will be with her. Like someone else on here posted, they will move mountains for the one they want.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mary1234 said:


> yeah I get that it’s just frustrating bc he was showing consistent interest in the beginning and out of nowhere kinda stopped trying and I wonder why.
> 
> some of my theories are:
> 
> ...


Let me use your post here to illustrate my point above.

Take a look at how much thought and significance and brain energy you have put into this. 

If someone were to ask him about you and what he thought of you, his response might very well be - “ Mary1234?? Oh yeah, I went out with her a few times a while back. She seemed pretty nice.”

Do you see the disparity in thought process?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@Mary1234. I think that you should stop second guessing yourself for the time being. We all can only guess what his motives are. Drop the ball in his court. Sit tight and wait, but continue with your life, just don't hold your breath. His actions, or lack of them will tell you what you need to know.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

@Mary1234 just let us know when you text him.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

uwe.blab said:


> @Mary1234 just let us know when you text him.


Why would she do that? she needs to let him be the one seeking her, if he's really interested.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Going to have to agree. I feel like the ball is in his court. I could be straight up though and make sure there isn’t a misunderstanding because to me it’s weird to be so consistent with someone in the first month and then to just disappear. Then again maybe that is common




Rob_1 said:


> Why would she do that? she needs to let him be the one seeking her, if he's really interested.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you have decided that the ball is in his court that is your answer. He's not throwing it back to you. Ergo he no longer wants to play . 

It was steady at 1 date per week now it's 3 weeks of nothing not even a call. That is him being done. 

Move along.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Works said:


> I feel like others here have given more in depth advice than myself.. I am usually a one liner.... But I feel like you're giving this way more attention than it deserves. Personally, if it were me, I wouldn't continue wondering. I would've moved on. But that may stem from having been married and putting up with things I now know I didn't need to. While I have a boyfriend now, in the beginning, I cut him zero slack to make sure he indeed was interested in me... I didn't chase, I wasn't too available, I barely called...
> 
> When a guy wants to be with a person, he will be with her. Like someone else on here posted, they will move mountains for the one they want.





Mary1234 said:


> Going to have to agree. I feel like the ball is in his court. I could be straight up though and make sure there isn’t a misunderstanding because to me it’s weird to be so consistent with someone in the first month and then to just disappear. Then again maybe that is common


I agree with @Works ...I also feel that you're giving this way more attention than it deserves and also wouldn't continue wondering if I were in your shoes. And I agree with her other sentiment. Adding from my personal stance, I met my (now) husband in the olden days. It was a time of phone calls from the landline or pay-phone, long before text messaging and snap-chat were around. We were pretty smitten with one another from the get-go. Yet within our early days of dating, he was partying with his friends and phoned me. I could hear them chuckling in the background, and he asked in a jovial way if I would go over to cook for them / bring food. My answer was an agitated NO. He then switched gears '...but I want to see you...' I responded, 'Get a photograph'. A short time later, he was at my door with pizza for us to share and said, 'A photograph wasn't cutting it, I wanted to see you.'

If he wants to see you and continue dating, he'll figure it out to make that happen. Just as you'll figure out whether you're still interested. From my perspective, I wouldn't bother being straight up to ensure there's no misunderstanding. Instead, he's stated that he's busy. You had made last contact (I think). End of. If he's into you, he'll figure it out. And if he doesn't figure it out, or isn't that into you... oh well! Please don't twist yourself into a pretzel over him (anyone) though.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

^ depending on how you read / interpret my anecdotal experience above, I realized that I might sound like a bit of a beotch. Oh well!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Mary1234 you are obviously smitten with this guy otherwise you wouldn’t be on here looking for advice. Just call him and ask him if he wants to get together this weekend. He either says yes or no but at least you’ll know where you stand. 
By the way you saying you didn’t get the impression that he was looking for sex shows me that you are a little naïve. Men are always looking for sex, some of them are able to create the impression that it’s the last thing on their mind. These are the really successful players. 
Speaking as a former player.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> @Mary1234 you are obviously smitten with this guy otherwise you wouldn’t be on here looking for advice. Just call him and ask him if he wants to get together this weekend. He either says yes or no but at least you’ll know where you stand.
> By the way you saying you didn’t get the impression that he was looking for sex shows me that you are a little naïve. Men are always looking for sex, some of them are able to create the impression that it’s the last thing on their mind. These are the really successful players.
> Speaking as a former player.


 now you let all women know the truth and men all over the world keeping the secret for thousands of years 
he does seem to be better at controlling himself 
I am with you in saying grab the bull by the horns and phone him , 
stop playing games , nothing wrong with a woman that asks a man out , no need to wait and let the guy like pass you because he might think because of the hard to get game thinks she is not interested


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@Mary1234 

That wasn't to say I haven't had my share of feeling like you do when I thought a guy was into me. I was playing the pick me dance with them, meanwhile they were dancing with someone else. You can continue to wait around, try and get your answers so there are no misunderstandings. But I think inside of yourself you already know the answer.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Works said:


> @Mary1234
> 
> That wasn't to say I haven't had my share of feeling like you do when I thought a guy was into me. I was playing the pick me dance with them, meanwhile they were dancing with someone else. You can continue to wait around, try and get your answers so there are no misunderstandings. But I think inside of yourself you already know the answer.


I love the way you say the pick me dance just why not go ask the guy 
we have come a long way on equality ,


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

heartsbeating said:


> I agree with @Works ...I also feel that you're giving this way more attention than it deserves and also wouldn't continue wondering if I were in your shoes. And I agree with her other sentiment. Adding from my personal stance, I met my (now) husband in the olden days. It was a time of phone calls from the landline or pay-phone, long before text messaging and snap-chat were around. We were pretty smitten with one another from the get-go. Yet within our early days of dating, he was partying with his friends and phoned me. I could hear them chuckling in the background, and he asked in a jovial way if I would go over to cook for them / bring food. My answer was an agitated NO. He then switched gears '...but I want to see you...' I responded, 'Get a photograph'. A short time later, he was at my door with pizza for us to share and said, 'A photograph wasn't cutting it, I wanted to see you.'
> 
> If he wants to see you and continue dating, he'll figure it out to make that happen. Just as you'll figure out whether you're still interested. From my perspective, I wouldn't bother being straight up to ensure there's no misunderstanding. Instead, he's stated that he's busy. You had made last contact (I think). End of. If he's into you, he'll figure it out. And if he doesn't figure it out, or isn't that into you... oh well! Please don't twist yourself into a pretzel over him (anyone) though.


This made me laugh... get a photograph!! I said the same to someone I caught staring at me many years ago from across a night club. But my line was more like, take a picture it'll last longer... rolled my eyes and walked away. 🤣

I'll also add, which I saw this in myself now that I am looking back after everything I've gone through, and where I am today. Lack of self-esteem and self-confidence is a great recipe for putting up with crap one doesn't have to.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

frenchpaddy said:


> I love the way you say the pick me dance just why not go ask the guy
> we have come a long way on equality ,


I learned that from TAM.. I know we have come a long way as far as "equality." She still seems to be stuck with, does he like me, yes, no, yes, no.. There would've been a difference if he was showing interest, instead of always being busy when she tries to reach out. At some point, one must take their dignity and ball and play somewhere else.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Mary1234 said:


> Going to have to agree. I feel like the ball is in his court. I could be straight up though and make sure there isn’t a misunderstanding because to me it’s weird to be so consistent with someone in the first month and then to just disappear. Then again maybe that is common


I do not necessarily disagree with that but I doubt he is spending hours and hours wondering what you are thinking. So, maybe just ask him, since you are. You will be able to move forward pretty quickly then.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


🤦


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


Communication is good. Freaking out is bad.
FYI.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mary1234 said:


> So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


I’m glad you decided to communicate since it’s obvious you like him. I find the direct approach has always worked for me. No mind reading, no games.

However I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out he actually hasn’t made plans with you and in guy or passive aggressive speak said 


Yeah you’re a good plan B if something I want doesn’t shake out.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

He isn't interessted anymore. 'He just isn't into you' I am afraid. If a guy likes you, he'll always find some time to show his interesst. And if you ask him out, he'll imidiately arrange a fixed date

He isn't comcerned you might change your mind. Why? Because he doesn't care...
It's not a good sign. Don't fight for him. If he doesn't get back to you, drop it.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> I’m glad you decided to communicate since it’s obvious you like him. I find the direct approach has always worked for me. No mind reading, no games.
> 
> However I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out he actually hasn’t made plans with you and in guy or passive aggressive speak said
> 
> ...





elliblue said:


> He isn't interessted anymore. 'He just isn't into you' I am afraid. If a guy likes you, he'll always find some time to show his interesst. And if you ask him out, he'll will immidiately arrange a fixed date
> 
> He isn't comcerned you might change your mind. Why? Because he doesn't care...
> It's not a good sign. Don't fight for him. If he doesn't fet back to you, drop it.


THEY ARE RIGHT , 

GOOD on you for reaching out , now you know he is not into you and bad if you are very late to every date , just set it a half hour later if you feel you need more time , or forget half the makeup and the first dress is often the best one anyway putting on 12 different outfits will take time , lol but I would pass on this guy ,


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Okay you’ve taken our advice and reached out, unfortunately I don’t think he’s interested but at least now you know that you gave him a chance.
If he calls you tomorrow and wants to arrange a date for Saturday or Sunday then you should accept. However if he calls you Saturday evening looking to meet up I would tell him you made other plans.
I’ve got a feeling about this guy and I’m pretty sure he’s a plate spinner.
Don’t end up as his last minute booty call.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Mary1234 said:


> So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


Ok, so you have been on here and then you have asked your friends-- or at least this guy friend last night. Then you reached out. 

Now....move on. You have spent more than enough time trying to figure this out. Don't try to analyze it if he doesnt get back to you ever, and don't try to analyze it if you hear from him again in 3 months. Or if he gets back to you Saturday. Or whenever. Do your own thing and decide if you feel like seeing him if/when the opportunity arises.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

I guess I was told that the reason he may have been distant lately is bc he felt I wasn’t that interested bc I was flakey and late to all our dates…. He may have thought I saw him as a last option


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> I guess I was told that the reason he may have been distant lately is bc he felt I wasn’t that interested bc I was flakey and late to all our dates…. He may have thought I saw him as a last option


You needed that insight into yourself & your friend was good to give it to you. You were even better for taking it to heart & agreeing to work on your time management. 

However, as somebody pointed out, although the man you fancy was polite & friendly, you two do NOT have a date set up. Depending on how flakey you were in the past, that ship may have sailed because despite your nice insightful words now, based on past actions, he may not believe you. 

The ball is now firmly in his court. You have to assume he will not get back to & you need to live your life accordingly. Don't sit around waiting for him & do not pester him. He knows how to reach you if he wants. He may not want to take a chance. 

Do take your new insight to heart & be on time more for future dates with others


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Well he did tell me he would let me know what his plans our when the weekend comes around so I can wait and see if he reaches out. Im not waiting around though and I am going to make my own plans 



D0nnivain said:


> You needed that insight into yourself & your friend was good to give it to you. You were even better for taking it to heart & agreeing to work on your time management.
> 
> However, as somebody pointed out, although the man you fancy was polite & friendly, you two do NOT have a date set up. Depending on how flakey you were in the past, that ship may have sailed because despite your nice insightful words now, based on past actions, he may not believe you.
> 
> ...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Make other plans. As has been pointed out, you are plan B in case better plans don't come through. It's Thurs afternoon...if you were a priority he'd have already made plans.

Flaky or not nobody deserves to be plan B.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mary1234 said:


> Well he did tell me he would let me know what his plans our when the weekend comes around so I can wait and see if he reaches out. Im not waiting around though and I am going to make my own plans


It's almost Friday. Past right now, even if he tries to set up a weekend visit, you should say you're busy this weekend.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Heck, I have a boyfriend of almost 3 years and the moment he tells me he has plans to do something, I'm


Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It's almost Friday. Past right now, even if he tries to set up a weekend visit, you should say you're busy this weekend.


Yes!! No last minute plans!


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

See I feel as long as you get a days notice it depends though


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mary1234 said:


> See I feel as long as you get a days notice it depends though


Hun, I think you gave him a few weeks notice so to speak that you were still interested and would like to spend time with him. He had plenty of time to plan something with you that he let pass by.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mary1234 said:


> See I feel as long as you get a days notice it depends though


Not at this stage in a relationship, no way no how.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

I disagree. He was out of town and he didn’t think I wanted to make plans with him bc I was being flakey and showing up to meet 45 mins late 


Works said:


> Hun, I think you gave him a few weeks notice so to speak that you were still interested and would like to spend time with him. He had plenty of time to plan something with you that he let pass by.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

? One days heads up is perfectly fine to me. Especially the longer you’ve known eachother 
QUOTE="Ragnar Ragnasson, post: 20590092, member: 337579"]
Not at this stage in a relationship, no way no how.
[/QUOTE]


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You are free to do what you want. Most of us are a lot older then you and we can see what's going on.

Maybe we're all wrong and you're not plan B. I doubt it, but whether you're ok with that or want to spend more time finding out is up to you. You don't need our permission.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mary1234 said:


> ? One days heads up is perfectly fine to me. Especially the longer you’ve known eachother
> QUOTE="Ragnar Ragnasson, post: 20590092, member: 337579"]
> Not at this stage in a relationship, no way no how.


It won't matter anyway, I don't think he will contact you for this weekend at all.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I think what many of us are trying to get across to you is that a person who really cares makes plans waaayyyy in advance. I am in the process of planning October right now. You are selling yourself short if you are OK with last minute plans, 1 day in advance. 

Read a pop psychology book called _The Rules_. It has some dumb, antiquated advice in it, but bottom line it wants women to value themselves not sit around & be at some guy's beck & call. If the guy calls you Friday for a date Saturday & you say yes, you either have no friends or worse blow them off for some guy or you have no life. Either way it signals that you are not a valuable commodity. Once in a while sure it's great to be spontaneous but in this situation after 3 weeks of silence plus your apology / explanation that absence of concrete plans with him is screaming lack of interest. If he does pop up tomorrow that screams solely that he nothing better to do & you are an afterthought. None of that is good.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If I was meeting a person and they were 45 min late, I wouldn’t likely ask them out again. I suppose it would have to do with the communication. But if I got there, I wouldn’t wait 45 min unless communication took place and she said she’d be late and apologized.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Being 45 minutes late without a call and without a valid reason is just plain rude and disrespectful.

It was good of you to recognize your mistake and to apologize and try to
Make amends.

But you need to understand that he is just seeing you as a back up option if he has nothing better going on. 

If Kate Mara called him up and wanted to get together, Would he tell her that he would “keep her in the loop”?


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

u feel if someone hits you up one day In advance you’re a plan b?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mary1234 said:


> u feel if someone hits you up one day In advance you’re a plan b?


Maybe not a Plan B, but definitely not a priority.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

That’s interesting. It may be a generational thing. I guess I feel you guys r being too hard on him. From his perspective he likely thought I wasn’t that serious about him. Now that I cleared the air he’s been texting me. He has taken me out to a lot of nice places and is a genuine guy. I think it was a lack of communication. Also he literally was out of town for two weekends….. I’m not naive though I’ve dealt with guys where they clearly were not interested and I moved on easily. But to ask someone to schedule with you weeks in advance it’s just too much for me and playing games


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

The fact I don’t even know who that is means it may be a generational thing. I wasn’t treating him like a priority originally so I can understand why he may have backed off recently 


oldshirt said:


> Being 45 minutes late without a call and without a valid reason is just plain rude and disrespectful.
> 
> It was good of you to recognize your mistake and to apologize and try to
> Make amends.
> ...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Mary1234 said:


> But to ask someone to schedule with you weeks in advance it’s just too much for me and playing games


I apologize if I missed it, but who told you to schedule something with him weeks in advance? 

Also, it's not necessarily a "generational thing." Sure, I'm older than dirt. But I've had a lot of experience with people in general. Far as I know, men and women may have lots more technology with which to communicate in 2022, but the dating "thing" hasn't radically changed when it comes down to it. Case in point You're here asking strangers for their take on your situation. No different from when I was young and swimming in the dating pool.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I apologize if I missed it, but who told you to schedule something with him weeks in advance?
> 
> Also, it's not necessarily a "generational thing." Sure, I'm older than dirt. But I've had a lot of experience with people in general. Far as I know, men and women may have lots more technology with which to communicate in 2022, but the dating "thing" hasn't radically changed when it comes down to it. Case in point You're here asking strangers for their take on your situation. No different from when I was young and swimming in the dating pool.


One would think that said technology to communicate would make it even easier to set up a date.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

I just don’t like to play games. If someone asks me to do something a day in advance and I’m want to then sure. That’s what everyone my age does for the most part. I was asking for advice earlier before I knew how much me being late came across as uninterested.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> I just don’t like to play games. If someone asks me to do something a day in advance and I’m want to then sure. That’s what everyone my age does for the most part. I was asking for advice earlier before I knew how much me being late came across as uninterested.


Mary I have read every word you posted n if he is still sending you sms or other messages it is saying he is thinking of you 
As I don't know what his work load is I can not say if he is home for the weekend ,
for that matter I don't know what effort he has to make to meet you how far away he is , 
in my day I lived far from town and if I was going for a night out with the guys and girls we would meet up at a time but it could be 45 min before we would then head off to some place which could be anything up to 2h drive away , 
many of us would be running in the door covered in crap and have to jump into the shower and 15min jumping into the car , 

most here judge from their own experience their own life type their own job, unless they have worked in a world where there was not time for the end of day they don't know , our work was over when the job was done if that was 6 pm fine but we would call it good to end by 9pm but often it could drag on and be 10 or 11pm and some times of the year there was no going out it was fall in to bed after work 2 r 3 in the morning and heading back out by 6, 

I know what it is like for my son that got a call from work this morning to help a guy that when he was heading into work his car broke down so he left the house at 6.15 the other guy would have left his home a good hour before , they will be luck to be heading home from worm this evening by 6 

so I understand well if someone does not give long advance notice , and you have the advantage in that you talked to the guy you can tell a lot by how someone talks to you , we are not all lucky to have a 9 to 5 job with weekends off , our world is 7 day weeks and we make time when we can , 

now I don't know why you were late each time , 
tonight is Friday night , I have made plans with my wife to take her out with the last 3 weeks each Friday something came up and we put it off a week, so hopefully we will go out tonight , but she was feeling sick yesterday and we will see how things work out


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Mary1234 said:


> u feel if someone hits you up one day In advance you’re a plan b?


Maybe not Plan B always but in this case absolutely. 



Mary1234 said:


> I just don’t like to play games. If someone asks me to do something a day in advance and I’m want to then sure. That’s what everyone my age does for the most part. I was asking for advice earlier before I knew how much me being late came across as uninterested.


I'm not suggesting you play games & say no on principle because the ask came on the wrong day. That is a silly part of the book The Rules. 

Maybe this is a generational thing / life stage thing -- I'm busy & have responsibilities. Even when I was dating, I didn't have a great deal of free time. For example when I met my husband I had a F/T job running the start up company I had just founded. I had a PT job. I was the caregiver to my elderly parents. I was the President of a large women's group for entrepreneurs and I served on 3 boards of trustees plus I had friends & a social life. My life was planned & packed so there was rarely room to squeeze in a last minute date. My life has calmed down since then. I jettisoned some of that to spend more time with my husband & obviously Covid curtailed things but my initial point remains. Your level of availability signals lack of value. In your shoes I would not have room to slot this guy in at this point. Two weeks ago I would have already had a fully planned weekend for this weekend without him so some request today (Friday) to hang out sometime this weekend would not work, unless it was a more open thing where he could tag along to what I was already doing but that is hardly a proper date.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Mary1234 said:


> I just don’t like to play games. If someone asks me to do something a day in advance and I’m want to then sure. That’s what everyone my age does for the most part. I was asking for advice earlier before I knew how much me being late came across as uninterested.


Ok, whatever....but I am pretty sure that based on his actions, he isn't interested and he's not going to ask you out this weekend. I don't think it's because you were late or "flaky", I think it's because he has lost interest. I might be wrong, and I HOPE I AM.

You might think that we are all too old to remember what it was like when we were younger and dating, but human nature never changes. And you do know that some of us are dating now even though we are in a different generation than you, right? Some of us are using the same dating apps and dating methods that you are using right now. Trust me, WE GET IT.

You can make all the excuses you want to yourself and us, but if he's not into you, his actions will show it and all the texts that you send him won't change his mind...in fact, that might drive him further away. It's up to you if you want to spend your time chasing him and taking crumbs of attention from him, while he is most likely chasing someone else.

I hope it works out for you, but I don't think it will with him.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Thank you for your reply! Idk why everyone on this thread thinks I’ve been too available for him. A lot of the time I’ve been the one having to say I’m busy. Sometimes I’d be late bc I would be trying to squeeze in another obligation and other times I would just be late.


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## Mary1234 (6 mo ago)

Idk why everyone on this thread thinks I’ve been too available for him. A lot of the time I’ve been the one having to say I’m busy. Sometimes I’d be late bc I would be trying to squeeze in another obligation and other times I would just be late.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@Mary1234 

I don't think you _have been_ too available to this guy (past tense). I am saying that when you last spoke to clear the air, which was a good thing, I am concerned because he did not set a definitive plan at that time. You then said you would be open to seeing him, presumably this weekend, if he popped back up & offered at least 1 day's notice. I am say that possible future behavior would be you being too available now. 

I am also of the mindset that you probably won't hear from him. For your sake I hope I'm wrong. 

In the end it boils down to your time management. Once you get a handle on that & stop being late for dates you willl be able to build better relationships.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

How old are you? And how old is this guy?


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## harperlee (May 1, 2018)

Mary1234 said:


> That’s what everyone my age does for the most part.


How is this working out for 'everyone your age?' Hooking up without boundaries and such? Honest question.
I think that it isn't, working out. A word of advice; if you were to study history you would understand that it repeats itself.
At some point in the future you will grasp in a way you don't understand now that some things never change.
He is not into you but will most certainly take every thing that you give. You haven't done anything wrong, your manners could us a little help. That isn't why you are shook. You are shook that he isn't in to you and rather than accept this and let it go, you want to win, for validation. You think this dude calling you is an indication of your worth. It isn't.



Prodigal said:


> How old are you? And how old is this guy?


Good question, these days, it may be a person in their 30's at least, lol.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So Friday Noght has come and gone. With your 1 day notice rule.

So did he make plans yesterday? If not that means prime weekend nights Friday and Saturday are used up for your own rule. If he hits you up today for tonight then you are his plan B or C.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> So Friday Noght has come and gone. With your 1 day notice rule.
> 
> So did he make plans yesterday? If not that means prime weekend nights Friday and Saturday are used up for your own rule. If he hits you up today for tonight then you are his plan B or C.


I was about to ask the same thing! Great minds.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Mary1234 said:


> So major update. Last night I was talking to a guy friend of mine and he made a super good point. He said that I come off like a flake a lot of the time in the guy probably doesn’t think I am interested in him. I realize that I am always late to every date we’ve been on always last minute am moving plans. So I decided to reach out to him last night and I basically jokingly mentioned how maybe we could get together this weekend and that I promised I would be on time and that I am now working on my time management. He replied super friendly and said that he definitely will keep me in the loop and that this week has just been super busy with work but that he will let me know what his weekend plans are I feel glad that I reached out and kind of cleared the air hopefully he actually does want to see me this weekend.


Sounds like a "no" to me. As a man, I would say that after 5 dates with overnight stays and no sex he might feel that you are not that much into him... rightly or wrongly. Hence his behaviour. He is hoping you'll give up, eventually.


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