# Coping with the Anger



## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

We're getting a divorce. I initially didn't want to, but I have a clearer view of everything right now and realize that it's really better for everyone (except possibly the kids, but as I had no say in the divorce I'll just make the best of it I can.)
Here's the problem. He's been unemployed for several years, and due to that and some other issues we're seriously in debt. He currently has a job that keeps him out of town all week, but he's home and living with us on the weekends. He spends very little time with us over the weekend, as he's still out every night with the OW, and spends usually one day helping her get her new place set up.
Here's my problem. I'm FURIOUS and I'm really having a hard time not throwing things at him, bad mouthing him, complaining about him. He refuses to help fix up any of the things that need to be done in our house, dumps tasks on me, and even asks me to do things for him. Then runs off to be with her.
Meanwhile, our roof is leaking, the bathroom floor needs to be repaired, and the lawn needs to be mown. And I'm already working a full time job, doing all the parent stuff and all the cooking and cleaning. Every time he walks out at noon or so on Sunday to go help her out, I want to scream.
If it wasn't for the kids, I tell him to just get the **** out and never see him again (or at least, not until we get to court if then.)
BUT we (the kids and I) need him to keep earning money and helping pay stuff off. And the kids need to see their dad, and need to see him in a somewhat positive light. I'm already worried about my impact on them, because when I asked them if they wanted me to keep my husband's last name, they immediately asked if we could all change to my maiden name. I don't want them to hate their father, and I don't want them to cut him off entirely. 
So how do I keep from venting in front of them?????
Any and all advice desperately needed.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Do you have a separation agreement? Geez I hope so. Get some spousal/child support in there.
His behavior is unacceptable.
Assume he is a room-mate, and treat him like one, not like a demanding soon-to-be-ex-spouse. If something needs to be fixed, he can either do it, or pay for a third-party to do it. If he won't, then its time to kick him out. Tell him to go live with the OW because his behavior is hurtful to you and the kids. But don't do this until you have a SA. 
The anger part is normal. I have a lot of that as well. Try, if at all possible, to not say anything in front of the kids. Hearing the fighting between parents is hard on them. They will learn so enough, how little he is doing for the family and what kind of a man he really is. And if that don't like it, that is their choice.


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

Curious, how old are your children?

So he's employed now and he does help pay for things? But he comes and goes as he pleases, still has the OW on the side (or from the sounds of it, his family on the side). He refuses when asked or just doesn't initiate the work himself?

Have you actually started the divorce paperwork? Is money the main reason you're waiting? 

Any chance of leaving him with the bills and debt and getting a new place for you and the kids based on your income? He needs to be held responsible for his portion of the debt and household needs! 

I agree children need their fathers but what I'm learning through my own situation, you can't make him be the father that they need! He's choosing to spend his time and energy with the OW not with his children. That's his choice and his cross to bear when they are able to see him for the man he choose to be.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Daisy82, my kids are 13 and 15. And you're right, he does have his family on the side. Or when he wants, or however you want to word it. I just can't see any way to stop that without having another knock down drag out fight in front of the kids. The last one, when I first found out about the OW, had my daughter with her hand on the phone ready to call 911 in case he killed me and my son hysterical and in tears.
He's currently working, but his job is two hours from here. He's living with his dad during the week and comes home weekends. I don't want to tell him to find his own place because we need the money.
I did meet with a lawyer. She told me we were too poor to get divorced. Since then, he got the job and has been contributing. I'm meeting with the lawyer again soon, and we'll get the paperwork filed. At this point, I'll do whatever it takes to end the marriage, even if I have to borrow money from everyone I know.
There is absolutely no chance of leaving him with the debt and bills. One thing I found out being married is that even though both of you are responsible for the debt, only one of you is required to incur it. And one of our major debts is to the IRS. They don't let anything slide. 
So, my current situation is just to get by until he has a free or inexpensive place to live. I don't even care at this point if it's with the OW. My lawyer will make sure that the kids are protected in the settlement. I just need to get through the next six months (the lawyer told me that's the absolute minimum in our state if you have kids.)

I know I can't make him be a good father, and I know a huge part of this is that the kids have already seen that he's dumped them in favor of the OW and her kids. BUT I want my conscience clear that I've done my best, even if he hasn't. I don't want to stoop to his level. What I really need is ways to keep my temper and get through the next six months. Even if it's just to take up kick boxing. )


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

I know the laws on divorce vary state by state...you have a 6 month waiting period from the time you file until the divorce is finale??? 

Do you have a legal aid service in your state? We do in mine and I qualify at a very reduced rate. Although I question the experience that my lawyer has but $650 beats $1400.

Divorce sucks no matter what the ages of the children are! My thoughts go out to you and your children. Hopefully they will come to you and talk about their feelings rather than hold them in. 

I kick myself everyday for allowing myself to become dependant on my stbxh. I was a stay at home mom, so leaving, filing for divorce and affording to live on my own are very hard. At this point I can't say that we're better off, the kids and I have moved into assisted housing, I've put my son in daycare for the first time ever so I can work outside the home (that's been the biggest adjustment for him) and my daughter misses the old house, the neighborhood and her dad. It's hard to see them hurting but I have to work my butt off everyday to try to make our new place a "home" and to keep life as normal as possible for them. Because my children are young (6 & 2) I fear for the day when my children look at me and say "Mommy you didn't try, you left daddy." I don't know how to help them understand that we weren't a happy family before the separation. I wanted us to be, I had hopes and dreams for our family but we were a family of 3, not a family of 4. Maybe someday they will understand.


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## Luonnotar (Aug 2, 2012)

Daisy82! I am so sorry to hear your story! Here is a hug from me {}
Hang in there. They may go through a period where they wonder, but they will understand one day.
My daughter already understands. The big problem, actually, is that she does understand. That's why she's so mad.
My son is just confused.
And yes, if there are children involved my state has a minimum of six months from when you file until it's final. I know they do that for the best interest of the children, but it's frustrating.
On the plus side, I meet with a lawyer tomorrow and my sister informed me that we can set up a visitation schedule even before the divorce is final.


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