# New here needing advice



## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Hi, I'm new here my name is Emmie I am married have been for 14 years and we have 6 children, 4 left at home I'm 38 my husband 41 and we are both still love each other very much.
I'll be as brief as possible...
Up until recently my hubby and I had a great sex life, not adventurous by any means but loving and comfortable, both happy with each other in bed even though my husband was relatively 'quick' it wasn't 1 hour sex sessions maybe 10 to 15 mins and most of the time I was able to be satisfied.
I often would give home oral before we made love but he rarely did that for me unless he was super excited, but that was something I would have liked but perhaps felt like because I wasn't clean shaven down there it was an issue, however he said it was nothing to do with that so I just left things as they were, that was until about 18 months ago..... I decided that summer I would try being totally shaven in the hope it would encourage him to go down on me and perhaps we would spend a little more time on each other before we made love.
When he found out what I had done he point blank refused to make love to me, or touch me in any way until it had grown back because he said he didn't want to make love to a woman that looked like a child. So I allowed it to grow back (I'm not particularly hairy there anyway).
After all was normal again I noticed our sex life wasn't the same... He was a very sexual man, he would touch me if I walked past him or would get aroused of we kissed or cuddled closely etc.
To describe his drive before the problems, he would often masterbate in the shower which I believe he continued to do when our problems started as I would get upset that he would do this even though I was always willing and wanted to make love.l
After many months of no sexual contact I started to get quite concerned and he was becoming quite withdrawn from life, not from me as he was and still is very loving and affectionate.
He visited the doctor who said he seemed depressed and so took medication. Anyway the no sex (with me at least, he probably still helped himself in the shower) continued and over the last 18 months we have had sex about 5 times lasting only seconds!
We went to Italy in July and while I was asleep he overheard our friend having very noisy vigorous sex and the following morning while showering he jumped out and literally threw me to the floor and we had sex, however at this point I became upset as the only reason I could think of for this behaviour was because he had become aroused listening to our friends the night before.
After returning home I tried to talk to him, but he constantly blames either being depressed or his meds, which he decided to reduce so his sex drive could return.
I know myself about depression as I've suffered for years and take meds but I always maintained our sex life because it meant a lot to me for us to be intimate and actually always made me feel good and took my mind off of my depression.
Anyway, the 2 occasions over the last 6 months we have had sex, he does nothing for me, just gives himself what he wants within seconds and then it's over.... No trying to satisfy me in any way at all.
When I have brought up our sexual problems he just says it's not his fault but I have 'caught' him a few times in the bath masterbating, although he denies it and starts laughing like its a joke.
The latest encounter between us 2 nights ago has left me yet again feeling worthless and disgusting like I have been used, I feel like I want to sit here a cry.
I've tried to talk to him about this problem so many times but I end up hurt upset and angry and he accuses me of over reacting.
I mentioned to him tonight as we went to go to sleep that I felt like it was ok when he wanted sex, I gave it to him as I enjoy sex with him but I said to him did he ever think about me after he has got what he wanted? His reply was "just go to sleep I'm a depressed man"
What am I doing wrong? I support him all the time! I don't mention it often so I'm not hassling him.
He uses this depression when it suits him but at other times he is fine, not pretending, he actually says he feels good. He will confide in me if he feels down but mostly he is ok.
I'm so upset, I feel ugly, disgusted and used.
I don't want him to make love to me out of pity.
All the cuddles in the world isn't going to fix this. I know he loves me he tells me all the time.
I don't know what to do!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Usually, when a couple has problems with their sex life, it's a symptom of big problems in the relationship.

Your husband's reacting to your stated concerns in a way to push them aside, telling you that you are over reacting, etc. This is a from of him not being honest with you. In what other ways is he not being honest.

How much time a week do the two of you spend together, doing things, just the two of you?

Are you are SAHM? Or do you have a job outside the home?

How much time a week does your husband spend out doing things without you, other than working?


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Hi, yes I'm a SAHM and hubby works from home so we are together all the time.
He doesn't spend any time out of the house unless it's with me, he hasn't got any friends of his own just friends that we have with couples so he doesn't go out with anyone alone, only together with me.
It actually hates it when I say I need to talk to him about something but gets cross if he finds out I've confided in a friend, he believes I should go to him but when I do he tries to make me feel like I'm being unreasonable!
He's got a little bit of a god complex in that he thinks he's better at everything and better than other people, he says he doesn't need friends as they can't be trusted..... We have been hurt in the past by friends which is why I think he isn't interested in having any relationship with a male friend on a 1 to 1 basis.
After I read what I wrote I think I finally realised that by being the loving caring wife who barely mentions any concerns I have I am just pretending all is ok for the sake of a peaceful life, but I'm not happy.

Do you think it would be wrong if I took a step back from him? Perhaps if I stop showing affection and put a block up? To show him he can't always have everything his way? Maybe do my own thing more? Rather than spending all my time with him? Because he does constantly ask for cuddles and kisses etc and he gets a bit funny with me if I haven't paid him enough attention!
I can't see any other option but to withdraw myself from him?
While he is next to me sleeping soundly, even though he knows I'm upset, im on here desperate for help! Not being able to sleep through worry!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you do need to pull back from him. He's getting his needs met. He's happy. He does not seem to have the ability at this time to realize that your point of view is a important as is his. 

There are some books that I think will really help you. Read them in the order listed....

"Divorce Busting"
"His Needs, Her Needs" 
"Love Busters"

I agree that you need to pull back. Once your husband's needs are not being met he will most likely start paying more attention to you. Then you can talk to him about how to restructure your marriage. (the books will help with all of this.)


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Thank you!
I've just had a read at another similar post (it must get boring to see so many similar posts)
It seems that for the past 2 years I've been in a sexless marriage and looking back I think I have misjudged the timeline and it's been about 2 and a half years since the first problems.
I will look for those books.
I can't accept that this is my life, and I've finally admitted we have some serious marital problems.
We are going on vacation in just over 2 weeks to Lapland with the kids (I live in the UK) in just over 2 weeks and I'm tempted to suggest that he stays at home and has a think about how his actions are affecting me, however it's highly unlikely he will stay home but I will continue to make him realise what he will lose if he doesn't buck up.
It's clear to say I am not prepared to live in a sexless marriage at 38 or to be honest any age!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do you know if he was sexually abused as a child? Does he have siblings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Emmie
If I understand correctly, there was a sudden major change in his behavior after you shaved. This is pretty puzzling - for most men this would not be a very important, issue. I'm not particularly attracted to a shaved woman, but if my wife did this, the fact that she was trying to do something would be very attractive. 

I think you need to try to figure out why this affected him so much. A few thoughts:

If he knew you did it to get him to give you oral more often, did he fell pressured to do something he didn't want to do?

Is the comment about "looking like a child" tied with childhood sexual abuse? Its even possible that he is a pedophile - in the sense of being sexually attracted to women, not acting on that attraction. There are men like this who have that attraction but would be horrified by the thought of ever acting on it.

Might he think you actually did it for someone else? (I know he has no reason, but the mind is a funny thing).

Might he think it makes you a slvt? 


Then there is the case of him wanting sex after hearing others. It isn't unusual for someone to become aroused by seeing / hearing other people having sex (this is the basis of the vast porn industry), but not excuse to just do what he wants, and not satisfy you. Since that is what he was doing anyway, I don't see this as surprising.

You have every right to expect him to do what he can to please you in bed and to have a good sex life. 




This is so strange that it seems that counseling is probably a good idea.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Ele always gives great advice, I encourage to read the books she offered. I agree too, you need to pull away so that you can have effective communication with him. Currently, he is not hearing you, you have to flip the script so he wants to make things better.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Do you know if he was sexually abused as a child? Does he have siblings?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had the same thought.


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Hi all, thank you so much for your replies, and to Richard who actually asked me some tough questions!
I know his childhood well, I know his grandad sexually abused his mother as a child as she confided in me before she passed.
He has only 1 sibling, a sister who is very strange, has no family of her own and is estranged from us.
I don't believe he has dark thoughts regarding the pedophile issue, he likes his women 'real' I think that's why the shaving issue affected him so much!

I'm struggling with the whole situation really it's the second night in a row I've been woken up by a nightmare both times of him cheating on me even though there's no way he could (I'm in the UK so there's about a 7 hour time difference)

I know if I mention the issue again he will become withdrawn and not speak to me for a while, however I have kept him at arms length today although allowed him to cuddle me to sleep in the hope he would perhaps make a pass at me, it's not like I go to bed fully clothed, I do wear attractive nightwear that's a little revealing!
No luck.
I have read that trying to go to bed naked can help so tomorrow I will try that but there will be no more selfishness!

He's asked me a few times today if I was alright and I've just said yes but I am going to give the conversation of our sex life another try but it will be my last as the whole thing hurts too much!
Thanks all x


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Anyway, the 2 occasions over the last 6 months we have had sex, he does nothing for me, just gives himself what he wants within seconds and then it's over.... No trying to satisfy me in any way at all.


You've said a few times that when you do have sex now, which is very infrequent, that he only last seconds.

Could he have developed a Premature Ejaculation (PE) problem that he is to embarrassed to tell you about or deal with? 

Maybe the meds he is taking are affecting both his libido and causing PE. Is he actually in therapy or just taking meds for depression? He should be in therapy! And he should be talking with his psychiatrist about the effects of his meds so they can make sure he's getting the proper dose. The therapy might also help with all of these other problems you two are having.


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## Emmie (Dec 17, 2014)

Thank you peacem, your advice has been very helpful.
I can imagine how hard it must of been knowing your OH was masturbating to porn in the mornings as I would find that very hurtful, even if I knew sex would come later.
I spoke to hubby this morning very quickly explaining about a book called his needs, her needs as I downloaded a 'sample' to my iPad.
I told him this book would help us to become aware of each other's true needs.
I have as I said I would withdrawn most of the affection and he has announced to me that 'I' obviously have a problem and to me it seems he is going to push the blame onto me as i suppose it easier to say I'm the problem and he isn't!
I told him these books would help us with some of our problems but if we both read them it would be more helpful.
I've had a few digs from him today about me being in a mood with him, so it does appear that he doesn't want to take responsibility and I'm just an easy scapegoat!
I've read that low testosterone can cause these issues, however when HE feels like it, he has no issue with excitement, erection or drive.
I don't think its me as he's a very affectionate man always telling me I'm beautiful and that he loves me, however tomorrow we will be alone all day so I will try to be more honest with him and see what reaction I get!


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