# Is a genuine R even really possible?!?



## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

Like the title says - is it possible? Or is it just some fantasy we are all chasing to make ourselves feel better for the time being? I feel like I am scraping the barrel here and have no hope for a future where I will be happy.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Never lose hope.


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## Jibril (May 23, 2012)

It's not a fantasy, but it depends entirely on the willingness of the couple attempting it. If your heart is in it, but his is not, it will never work.

If you feel _you're_ fighting just keep your marriage to the BS together, then it's definitely not working. From your last post (NC Broken) your husband sounds extremely nonchalant about R. He does things at his own pace, and doesn't seem to be in any real hurry to make things up to you. His heart, I suspect, isn't in it.

You shouldn't feel _obligated_ to R, either. It's your choice, ultimately.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

R is definitely possible, but it take full commitment from both parties. Commitment to truth, loyalty,communication, selflessness, and love. Not paying lip-service to same. It takes absolute 24/7 attention to each others needs and wants. In short, it takes the level of total commitment that the marriage SHOULD have had before the A.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I'm not sure if recovery or reconciliation are even the right words to describe it. I think tha perhaps "a new beginning", would better express the sentiment that MUST exist, for both parties to be at peace.


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

I think it is analogous to rupturing a ligament, rather than breaking a bone.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As mentioned by many in this thread, "true" R is most certainly possible, but it looks and feels different to many people. A few criteria have to be met, in my opinion, in order for R to happen. As already mentioned, one of the absolute musts is a commitment to the commitment by both partners, a willingness to do the tough daily/weekly work that a relationship requires. Another significant factor is saying goodbye or mourning the passing of the former relationship, I strongly believe that a couple attempting R must acknowledge this in order to have the same starting point in R. Lastly, and this is possibly the most important part, doing your very best to not become complacent, or to "rest on your laurels." As time passes, it becomes tempting to fall into comfortable routines and abandon the work that true R requires. So long as there is a willingness by both partners to help each other avoid complacency, true R has a good shot.


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## henley (Feb 29, 2012)

I think there is a lot missing from the equation at this point... or perhaps, all ingredients required for R.

My H's commitment comes and goes like the tide. He will be at home for 2 weeks then something will happen, like a fight, and off he will go again to stay elsewhere. He spends a lot of time with his friends and calls them more often than me during his "off times". The first couple times this happened it would last for a day or two, and then he would be right back in the game so to speak. The last time he was at home was over a month ago now and frankly at this point I don't want him staying with me again until i know it is for real. Its hard enough to say goodbye... saying goodbye degrees at a time is heartbreaking.


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

I think of it like wrecking your brand new car, it can be fixed and made to look like it was but in your mind you will always see the damage that was done. Will it still be able to run for a very long time? probably but your faith that it will last that you can rely on it will never be there.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

henley said:


> Like the title says - is it possible? Or is it just some fantasy we are all chasing to make ourselves feel better for the time being? I feel like I am scraping the barrel here and have no hope for a future where I will be happy.


I agree with those who said that it's not an reconciliation so much as a new beginning. 

Are both willing to start dating each other and treating each other like a new relationship.

A new relationship requires a lot of energy. So, some BS's feel that why put all that energy into a known cheater. 

It some respects and IMO, that is true. Why bother. Move on to someone new and be more aware this time.

I feel after all my research I will be able to spot a person with a monogamous bent as well as a cheater. 

I am not ready for a relationship now, I am still healing, but in the future I do think I am well armed and able to make a better choice, if I choose to remarry.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Point well taken, Sara. TAM is a pro-marriage website, so R is almost always encouraged. But many times at the expense of personal growth. You have grown as a person and have the wisdom to discern character flaws in potential mates. To my mind this is much more important than some kind of superficial, feelgood recovery.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Henley, the danger, of course, is how to discern a true reconciliation from a false one. In the main, if the WS is unwilling or unable to address the issues that lead them to cheating, then the chances for success will be small. Another consideration is if the BS is so insecure, that he/she will agree to R, without the WS having to address his/her issues, but will accept less than complete honesty, continued evasion, and sexual bribery, in lieu of genuine repentance. We have had many posters here on TAM recently, who have decided on R in an amazingly short period of time, really without the WS having done any serious work , at all. When it comes to R, the BS is usually his/her own worst enemy.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I believe R is possible and not only a mirage in the distance. 

But, it so difficult to clear the swamp of the years of dysfunction that I suspect most don't make it through. The level of commitment required on both sides is tremendous and demanding.

The thought I keep in mind when I feel discouraged and hopeless - I love my husband. I want my future with him. I will not quit until I'm sure our marriage cannot be saved. I will give all I have until the end, if there is one. I am determined to be able to look back and know there was no stone unturned, no delusions I held onto, no confessions and apologies I didn't make, no opportunities to tell him I love him escaped. And, if at that point, it still ends... then it ends. But, I will give my best & most honest effort until that day. And that's what keeps me going... 




Badblood said:


> Commitment to truth, loyalty,communication, selflessness, and love.


Badblood - I love this. I intend to put serious thought into your short list


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

henley said:


> I think there is a lot missing from the equation at this point... or perhaps, all ingredients required for R.
> 
> My H's commitment comes and goes like the tide. * He will be at home for 2 weeks then something will happen, like a fight, and off he will go again to stay elsewhere.* He spends a lot of time with his friends and calls them more often than me during his "off times". The first couple times this happened it would last for a day or two, and then he would be right back in the game so to speak. The last time he was at home was over a month ago now and frankly at this point I don't want him staying with me again until i know it is for real. Its hard enough to say goodbye... saying goodbye degrees at a time is heartbreaking.


My H calls that a death of a thousand cuts.

I'm not sure the cause of your marital problems (not an avid reader here), but I agree with you - this doesn't sound like commitment. 

What type of conversations/agreements have you made concerning the reconciliation? For one, I'm not sure why he thinks it's ok to move in & out. Commitment or not - he needs to make a decision.

Excessive time with his friends during marital R? Also sounds like lack of commitment.

I'd be curious to hear how your reconciliation communication goes...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

What is a true R? I am sure it is going to be different for everyone. I think everyone wants to be happy but every marraige has its ups and downs as well. I think a BS will always have some doubts but can your marriage be happy once again. I think it is possible as long as both parties work on it.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Janie said:


> I will not quit until I'm sure our marriage cannot be saved. I will give all I have until the end, if there is one. I am determined to be able to look back and know there was no stone unturned, no delusions I held onto, no confessions and apologies I didn't make, no opportunities to tell him I love him escaped. And, if at that point, it still ends... then it ends. But, I will give my best & most honest effort until that day. And that's what keeps me going...


I am all for giving reconciliation a try. But you need to keep your eyes wide open and not put your head in the sand. 

That's the difficult part for the BS.

If it were not for anonymous letters, I would not have known my STBEH was still contacting the OW, just to talk, but still. 

I would not have known my husband had another computer and a secret bank account. 

I would not have known a lot of things. 

For me this is what makes a second reconciliation impossible. 

I don't want to be in a marriage where I need to use VARS and hire a detective to follow him to be sure he is not lying to me again. 

I do think some people can R, but I also think too many are in denial or simply not aware that the affair has gone underground or that there is a new affair going on


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Sara8 said:


> I don't want to be in a marriage where I need to use VARS and hire a detective to follow him to be sure he is not lying to me again.


Sara, I could not agree more with this statement!!!

I hear the lengths people go to with their surveillance and while I believe it could be necessary for establishing the truth, the idea of using it as an ongoing part of a relationship sounds like living in hell - IMHO. 

Trust is soooo important. Without it, I believe a marriage cannot work.

BTW - what is a BS?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

BS = Betrayed Spouse


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## Son of Kong (Jul 12, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I don't want to be in a marriage where I need to use VARS and hire a detective to follow him to be sure he is not lying to me again.


Sara
I also don't want to have all the surveillance stuff but you know what right now it's like a security blanket giving me that little extra comfort. I think without it I would go crazy wondering all the time, trust will build back, I have already found myself checking all the different things less 2 or 3 times a week instead of everyday several times a day so right now I need it but I am getting better. On the other hand I don't think I will ever not have some kind of monitor maybe just one don't know, ask me later I will probably have changed my mind.


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