# The cost of not exposing



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I've been thinking a lot lately about the amount of exposure I did in my situation and have been struggling with whether or not I should have done more. I could have blown it up. But I only exposed as to some of her coworkers, friends, family and CV.

I had two years worth of email threads. I could have emailed them to everyone. I wanted to smash the OM in the face but didn't. What made me stop? After I read the emails and saw first hand the depth of their affair. All the planning, the sex, the pictures all I wanted to do was leave and cut her off. I didn't care for reconciliation, not after knowing as much as I did. Not many BS get the chance to know as many details. 

Would I have been in a better place right now if I went with full exposure? I could have shamed them and possibly broken them up. I don't know if they are still together but I know the stats on them having and any success. What do you think?

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> *Would I have been in a better place right now if I went with full exposure?* I could have shamed them and possibly broken them up. I don't know if they are still together but I know the stats on them having and any success. What do you think?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


I think whether you'd be in a better place or not depends your personality and whether you think that full exposure would have given you a level of "satisfaction". What I mean by this is that the wide exposure makes you feel you got even in some sense and that you inflicted a penalty for her having had sex with another man while being married to you; that she didn't get away scott free. 

I do believe that a good part of the betrayed's anguish and the inability to heal is because they feel (consciously or sub-consciously) that their spouses got away with the betrayal (especially the sex part) without suffering any consequences.

With my personality and view on the subject of infidelity and if I had all the information you had, I would have put all the pictures, e-mails, texts and anything else I found up on a web site and advertised it to everyone we knew. This is the price she would have to pay for the crime. Only then, if she wanted to reconcile after this kind exposure, would I _consider_ it. And if she couldn't reconcile after that, to be honest with you, I wouldn't care less.

When you exposed to the family, did you air the complete dirty laundry? With the evidence? If not, this could be why you are feeling the way you do. You were the only one who paid for the infidelity.


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## Arrag (Jul 30, 2014)

Tryingpatience, there are two scenarios here. Doing the full exposure thing will give you more immediate satisfaction now. However people who "get away" with anything whether it be stealing, cheating, what have you, get a built in sense of entitlement which encourages them to continue forward with those type activities, which WILL manifest in their lives. Trust me, it will take care of itself whether you do anything at this point or not. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you doing this to punish her or to make yourself feel better. Trust me their punishment will come down the road without any input whatsoever from you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Arrag said:


> Tryingpatience, there are two scenarios here. Doing the full exposure thing will give you more immediate satisfaction now. However people who "get away" with anything whether it be stealing, cheating, what have you, get a built in sense of entitlement which encourages them to continue forward with those type activities, which WILL manifest in their lives. Trust me, it will take care of itself whether you do anything at this point or not. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you doing this to punish her or to make yourself feel better. *Trust me their punishment will come down the road without any input whatsoever from you.*


Some of us need to deliver the punishment. If karma kicks her in the face years down the road she'll likely just attribute it to bad luck, but if I make karma kick her in the face she _knows_ she was punished, and more importantly she knows _I delivered the punishment._ She deserves it, and I'll rest easier knowing I repaid the damage inflicted.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> When you exposed to the family, did you air the complete dirty laundry? With the evidence? If not, this could be why you are feeling the way you do. You were the only one who paid for the infidelity.





Arrag said:


> Tryingpatience, there are two scenarios here. Doing the full exposure thing will give you more immediate satisfaction now. However people who "get away" with anything whether it be stealing, cheating, what have you, get a built in sense of entitlement which encourages them to continue forward with those type activities, which WILL manifest in their lives. Trust me, it will take care of itself whether you do anything at this point or not. So the question you have to ask yourself is are you doing this to punish her or to make yourself feel better. Trust me their punishment will come down the road without any input whatsoever from you.


I think that's part of why I struggle. I do feel like she didn't pay enough. I told her family but they didn't want to hear it. I realized all of them would rug sweep and not talk about it ever again with her. 

When I spoke to my friends about full exposure they pointed out to me that all I wanted was to punish her. They showed me that I didn't even care about R or feeling better. Hope time takes care of this like you've said.


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## Arrag (Jul 30, 2014)

TryingP, I had an X girlfriend contact me a few years ago. Her marriage had just failed and she was boooo hooooing about what her X did to her, left her for another younger woman, blah blah blah. I guess she was lioking for a sympathetic ear, and all I could come up with is "Can't you see this is your own karma?" this has happened on several occasions not just this one. So I can tell you from experience this is what's coming down the road, might not be you, but the next guy or the next. And I wouldn't be lying if I said with each and every instance, it doesn't make me smile inside a little. Mourn, then be best person you can be. BTW there is no shame in mourning for a person even if they are a piece of sheet. It means you love deeply so you hurt deeply. The mourning is for YOU and you alone. Go on with your life best you can. Mother karma will have a gleeful surprise for you down the road. And that might be more satisfaction than anything you could do on your own cause you're just letting your X hang themselves.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the amount of exposure you did was about right.

You say that you exposed to "some of her coworkers, friends, family and CV." So who is "everyone"? "Everyone" does not care what goes on in your life. If you expose beyond those who really care about you, it reflects badly on you as well as her. In their minds you will forever be the vindictive husband who spread your personal drama all over the place involving people who barely know you, if they know you at all. They would be more annoyed at you involving them in your domestic drama than anything else. 

They might even have the mind set "No wonder she cheated on him. This guy is out of control."

The fact is that most people do not care about you or anyone outside of their immediate circle of family/friends. Why would they care to be dragged into your drama?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> I think that's part of why I struggle. I do feel like she didn't pay enough. I told her family but they didn't want to hear it. I realized all of them would rug sweep and not talk about it ever again with her.
> 
> When I spoke to my friends about full exposure they pointed out to me that all I wanted was to punish her. They showed me that I didn't even care about R or feeling better. Hope time takes care of this like you've said.


I don't believe in being a nice guy about these things. Waiting for the Karma Bus is worse than waiting for an NYC MTA Bus. Sorry but your friends giving you all the touchy - feely advice of "all you want to do is punish her" and stuff like that are full of sh*t. If you bought their line, you are too much of a nice guy .... and you know what they say about nice guys.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the thing Ive noticed MM; especially when reconciliation is involved. The BS is chomping at the bits to do what you're talking about to the affair partner but in reality lets the WS off with less than a slap on the wrist; so long as they appear remorseful, and seemingly realizing hurt they put the betrayed spouse through. (as evidenced by acting like the staff at a funeral home)


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

How long ago was this ? You may still get some satisfaction by putting it all out there even now. You say that you posted on CV. Did that have any effect ? Normally, if you gave a bunch of people (like us) the link to the CV post, we would drive the hit rate on that link up so that anyone googling his name or her name would come up with the CV link first. This could seriously disrupt them. If you ever do provide a CV link make sure you do it through PM so that no links are made back to this thread.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Here's the thing Ive noticed MM; especially when reconciliation is involved. The BS is chomping at the bits to do what you're talking about to the affair partner but in reality lets the WS off with less than a slap on the wrist; so long as they appear remorseful, and seemingly realizing hurt they put the betrayed spouse through. (as evidenced by acting like the staff at a funeral home)


I've noticed the same thing and have said it many times here. The conclusion I have come to is that the AP is a much easier target to attack and is with less risk to the BS than going after the WS. In a nutshell, I feel that, with rare exception, most BS's (and in particular BH's) are scared sh*t of their WS's, for various reasons. After suffering extreme humiliation, they can bring themselves to inflict any? WTF? So they open wide and take another hefty bite of sh*t sandwich ...... then they come here and ask: "Why do I feel this way?" Answer: You've stomped on your self respect.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does your ex know how much detail you have on her ?

Any plans to expose her at her work place ?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

TryingPatience,

The only MUSt when it comes to exposure is the BSO of the POS AP....they deserve the right to make choices and protect themselves from the actions of their cheating partners

Ar this point for you, the only thing that matters is if you BEAT yourself up for not exposing.

Who cares about your xWW and what happens with her,,,the issue is did you damage your own self-esteem and image by not exposing.

I do believe that some people can damage themselves by not retaliating in some way for the wrongs done them.

The feel weak and pathetic because they just passively let others wrong them.

For such people, having not exposed can be damaging because it lowers how they see and feel about themselves.

If, on the other hand, you feel happy and fine about yourself, but just wonder if your WW payed enough for her choices, then the best thing is to just forget about it all.

It's in the past, and there is no point in exposing now.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

My ex doesn't know how much evidence I have or at least I don't think she does. Did not expose to workplace because I just finished up the separation agreement, it's signed and I just served her for divorce. DDay was May and I confronted and exposed on mothers day. At least that will always be a day she remembers every year.

Because I've gone NC, I don't know anything. I even cut out friends who sympathized with her. So its hard to known if she is suffering. I do feel like I came out of this strong. So maybe its just me wondering if she's paid enough. I don't think breaking them apart would even satisfy me. When I demanded an explanation after dday she would not answer or look at me out of shame, but seeing her like that wasn't good enough for me either. I've been told by others here to let go of my need for vengence.

I guess what would make me happy is if everyone important to her gave her sh*t for what she did and told her how stupid she was but I haven't seen any example yet of that happening here. In my case the emails hint that her coworker teachers knew about what was going on.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

tryingpatience said:


> My ex doesn't know how much evidence I have or at least I don't think she does. Did not expose to workplace because I just finished up the separation agreement, it's signed and I just served her for divorce. DDay was May and I confronted and exposed on mothers day. At least that will always be a day she remembers every year.
> 
> Because I've gone NC, I don't know anything. I even cut out friends who sympathized with her. So its hard to known if she is suffering. I do feel like I came out of this strong. So maybe its just me wondering if she's paid enough. I don't think breaking them apart would even satisfy me. When I demanded an explanation after dday she would not answer or look at me out of shame, but seeing her like that wasn't good enough for me either. I've been told by others here to let go of my need for vengence.
> 
> ...


It appears that you have done many things correctly. You should blow it all open, but do it when it suits you; when it's to your advantage. There is nothing wrong with wanting to take vengeance.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Maybe you want to wait until the D is final.

However, one of the best revenge is that she no longer gets you in her life. 

Living like you do not care for her anymore and continuing the 180 will help with time.

If she does get with the OM, they will cheat on each other.

Hope you get out of this with your head intact and able to move along quickly with your life.

Have you exposed the OM to his significant other?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

There are many benefits to exposure:
1.) Can be used to end an affair if R is your goal. The OM/OW spouse becomes your ally in making sure there is no contact.
2.) Rally friends and family to support and protect you. After exposing, I found several close friends and family also touched by infidelity that I never knew about. It helps to have people close to you that can relate and have frank and open dialog.
3.) Satisfaction. Not the most altruistic, but as a man, I felt good knowing I made the affair partner's life a little more difficult. I don't put this in the same category as revenge, as I didn't cause the harm that lead to their discomfort/pain, I just shined the light on it.

The only downside could be financial if exposure would cause your STBX to lose a good paying job. If you plan to D, and that was a risk. That would be about the only situation where I'd say not exposing might be the wise choice.

I did not expose to many folks after my dday 1. I regret that. I did after dday 2 and things are much better for me now. Yes, I'm on the path to D, but the affairs are busted. Of the 2 married affair partners, I know one is in R and the other successfully gas lit their spouse. 

The one who gas lit messaged my STBX and asked why I exposed them to his wife, he guessed revenge / anger and said he forgave me. Lol, he forgave me for telling the truth. But I guess in his cheater brain it's okay to lie to your wife and have sex with other married women. That's messed up.


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