# Calling it quits



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

I don't want to thread-jack so I am making a separate post. And I do not have a fully thought-out essay ready to go, just working through some thoughts. 

(Quick background-- me 50 m, W 40, D 14, S 10, Step daughters 12, 10, 6; married 4 years)

So, reading a newer post today where OP states her husband 'called it quits', I am wondering what happens if there really is NO infidelity and if one partner really does not have the same feelings for their spouse. 

I have struggled with my marriage mostly due to being blended family and arguments that tend to divide our family and my spouse and I down family lines. At times I do start to fade, and wonder how much less stress there would be in our lives if we had not gotten married. I have felt depressed about being in the house at times with kids fighting over silly mundane things and those fights turning huge, etc. 

As a Christian, I also feel really guilty about having these thoughts of divorcing or of just being alone. I totally understand why someone would wonder if there is cheating involved if this came out of the blue. 

But, I guess one of my questions is how do you get past those feelings? Or is it OK to divorce if you would be happier not married? Are you a terrible person if you just want peace? 

(And yes I have talked to my spouse about these things. She never asked about their being anyone else but I would not blame her, just because.) 

One other thing- I think that most people have an internal drive to couple, I believe that is normal. But since my 1st divorce I have often felt that I am not wired that way. I really do like being alone....


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

It's called "settling down" you settled for someone, and haven't and/or don't have the guts to do what deep in your heart is it that you really want. Too many people in this world just do that, they settled, rather than stop and wait for what they really want. 

And yes, is OK to divorce, if that's what one wants. Is better to be divorced than living a miserable life. There's only one life to live, and when is over is over.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

I think it is okay to seek a divorce if you would be happier not being married. Ultimately, in the long run, that is better for all parties involved. I think it is far worse to stay in a relationship just because you think society dictates you should or you are worried what might happen to the other person involved. For the latter, there is nothing wrong with caring about someone and not wanting to hurt them, but ultimately you are hurting them by not putting your all into a relationship. In that sense, both parties deserve better.

As to your last statement, I think many people prefer being alone and end up in marriages due to circumstances. I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting to yourself you'd rather be alone and not in a serious relationship. Or maybe in no relationship. I've really only been in two serious relationships and just one or two other casual ones and while I did get married, now that I am divorced I really have zero interest in another relationship. Like you, I just don't think I'm wired that way. I think it is fine to admit that, but in admitting that, you need to walk away from the other person in case they are looking for a real relationship.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> As a Christian, I also feel really guilty about having these thoughts of divorcing or of just being alone.


Biblically, not being happy isn't grounds for a divorce.

Having said that, my choice to divorce was unbiblical, and I no longer date, and I won't be remarrying.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Biblically divorce is permitted for sexual immorality or abandonment. Not just because you are 'not that happy'. 
I would find a good Christian Marriage Counsellor and maybe also a family therapist who can help you all through the difficulties and challenges that blended families bring. 
It's hard to understand why you so recently married when you wanted to actually remain single but you did, so now its the time to do the work and make it work. 
Also ask people in the church you trust to pray for you all and maybe you can each have a same sex person each meet with regularly to keep you both on track and accountable. 
I hope it works out for
you all, the last thing the kids need is another family break up.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Do you have any kids together?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

OnTheRocks said:


> Do you have any kids together?


No, not together. 

When we got married, I thought is was what we both wanted. I am trying to find the positives. Then sometimes I start wondering what exactly are the REWARDS of sustaining a marriage? I suppose they could come when I am dying of cancer. There are others though, right?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> Then sometimes I start wondering what exactly are the REWARDS of sustaining a marriage?


But this is your second marriage, yes?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

minimalME said:


> But this is your second marriage, yes?


It is.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How soon after your divorce did you get married?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> How soon after your divorce did you get married?


It was about 5 years after my divorce.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Biblically divorce is permitted for sexual immorality or abandonment. Not just because you are 'not that happy'.
> I would find a good Christian Marriage Counsellor and maybe also a family therapist who can help you all through the difficulties and challenges that blended families bring.
> It's hard to understand why you so recently married when you wanted to actually remain single but you did, so now its the time to do the work and make it work.
> Also ask people in the church you trust to pray for you all and maybe you can each have a same sex person each meet with regularly to keep you both on track and accountable.
> ...


I may have made a mistake in getting married-- when I got married I did not feel like I often feel now. I am trying to make it work, and she is a really good person so there is that too. We do have a lot of disagreements in parenting and it leads to a lot of resentment and anger and arguments but we were raised very differently so we have different ideas. 

In any case, I often imagine how much quieter my life would be without these arguments-- between us and between children, etc. And I know absolutely now that I would be good without being married. There are plenty of good times, I just still find myself wondering if this is how I want to spend my life even when everyone is getting along. 

So, just kind of rambling but I do wonder if my stance on this can change somehow. Thanks for all your responses.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

These are good articles about an unchanging situation. 😊


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> I may have made a mistake in getting married-- when I got married I did not feel like I often feel now. I am trying to make it work, and she is a really good person so there is that too. We do have a lot of disagreements in parenting and it leads to a lot of resentment and anger and arguments but we were raised very differently so we have different ideas.
> 
> In any case, I often imagine how much quieter my life would be without these arguments-- between us and between children, etc. And I know absolutely now that I would be good without being married. There are plenty of good times, I just still find myself wondering if this is how I want to spend my life even when everyone is getting along.
> 
> So, just kind of rambling but I do wonder if my stance on this can change somehow. Thanks for all your responses.


Have you spoken to your pastor about it?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> Have you spoken to your pastor about it?


No, I haven't. What do you think he would say? (Or she, there is at least one female pastor at our church).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blended family issues — and different parenting styles — are a primary reason second marriages fail. That can be a difficult thing to compromise on and many can’t or won’t. An added issue is that you may not really be your happiest when you’re married but now you are and your religious convictions discourage divorces not for cause. So — at minimum — I think you all, as a family, need counseling in how to blend. That part, if successful, would make your life easier but whether you’re going to be happy long-term being married to her or anyone else is unknown. Not everyone is cut out for marriage (I was married for decades and only realized that after my divorce). Try counseling first and see how that goes. One step at a time.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

uwe.blab said:


> No, I haven't. What do you think he would say? (Or she, there is at least one female pastor at our church).


Hopefully they will give some good spiritual guidance. You could also ask them to recommend a good Christian marriage counsellor. 

Just wanted to say that when things get tough the tough get going. In other words they don't run away from promises made or their responsibilities.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you are unhappy, you don't need to live the rest of your life in unhappiness. 

Yes, sometimes divorces happen when it's not a good fit and one or both are unhappy. 

And that's okay.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

My wife and I have differing opinions on things. She can't stand my politics. We've had big fights about it in the past. But at the end of the day I'm so attracted to her physically and mentally that I end up seducing her and we work it out in the bedroom. It causes us to naturally compromise. 

The one thing you said about your wife was she's a good person. Don't marry or stay married to a woman because she's a good person. Marry her because she's the one you think about bending over the couch when you start to daydream. You're not doing her any favors by sticking around if that's not how you feel about her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Openminded said:


> How soon after your divorce did you get married?


Related question: what is your wife's relationship history? Her youngest is six and you've been married four years.

When and how did you meet? How long did you date before becoming engaged? How involved are the kid's other parents in their lives?

That all seems very fast. Any chance she connected with you for security / stability?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> I don't want to thread-jack so I am making a separate post. And I do not have a fully thought-out essay ready to go, just working through some thoughts.
> 
> (Quick background-- me 50 m, W 40, D 14, S 10, Step daughters 12, 10, 6; married 4 years)
> 
> ...


I'm female and so most of my old friends are female. Even going back to my mother's situation, quite a few women I knew were happier after they divorced and not trying to get couples up again permanently. 

I have been not married my whole life and I could have married. I was never going to be good at domesticity and compromise and was not about to set my favorite career aside. Others really feel they need to be with someone. No one is the freak. Everyone is just different. As you describe there was a lot going on when you have a family and not everyone is good at spinning all those plates and dealing with everyday chaos. 

My feeling is that you are only going to have this life in this body one time and that is now and that you should spend it the way it makes you happiest as long as you don't sure responsibilities with children you brought into the world. If you are not happy, think about us making changes and maybe having to work harder and do everything yourself or hire it done will make you happier and give you more freedom.

As far as modeling for the children, you're choosing what's best for you is better modeling than you choosing to be miserable.

Good luck.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DTO said:


> Related question: what is your wife's relationship history? Her youngest is six and you've been married four years.
> 
> When and how did you meet? How long did you date before becoming engaged? How involved are the kid's other parents in their lives?
> 
> That all seems very fast. Any chance she connected with you for security / stability?


Well, the other parents? Her ex-husband died a couple years ago. He had a severe drinking problem and basically drank til his body shut down. 42 years old. 

My ex-- most of the time since our divorce she has not had a job. She is working now, but my 14 yr old daughter tries every excuse NOT to go there on her mom's days. I would say she is with us 80% of the time. My 10 yr old does go there 50% of the time. She has lived in an apartment for like 7 years and struggled financially due to not working, gone through like 5 cars and had 5-6 jobs, usually no more than 6 months. And my daughter complains that she sleeps most of the day on weekends when the kids are there. 

My wife was brought up in a very conservative family-- church was a center and she did not have as much freedom. My parents on the other hand were divorced and I lived with my mom and stepdad and saw my dad every other weekend. In the summer I would be out riding my bike all over town all day with my parents not knowing where I was, she had a stay-at-home mom and didnt leave her neighborhood. 

Neither of us had extensive dating lives really. I think the most I dated in my life was between marriages and I only became serious with her. And yes, she had not been divorced very long before we started dating. And she had been through a lot of trauma living with an addict-- the last five years of their marriage was terrible. 

That is more background.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm female and so most of my old friends are female. Even going back to my mother's situation, quite a few women I knew were happier after they divorced and not trying to get couples up again permanently.
> 
> I have been not married my whole life and I could have married. I was never going to be good at domesticity and compromise and was not about to set my favorite career aside. Others really feel they need to be with someone. No one is the freak. Everyone is just different. As you describe there was a lot going on when you have a family and not everyone is good at spinning all those plates and dealing with everyday chaos.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify-- I am not ALWAYS miserable. But I definitely feel off and when it gets bad, I do feel miserable. We can go awhile with little to no conflict-- between each other and/or with kids-- and that is obviously easier to deal with. But overall I do wonder what the 'rewards' are-- other than not being alone. I have no real clarity on this, as you can probably tell.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> ...I have often felt that I am not wired that way. I really do like being alone....





uwe.blab said:


> Just to clarify-- I am not ALWAYS miserable. But I definitely feel off and when it gets bad, I do feel miserable. We can go awhile with little to no conflict-- between each other and/or with kids-- and that is obviously easier to deal with. But overall I do wonder what the 'rewards' are-- other than not being alone. I have no real clarity on this, as you can probably tell.


I completely understand.

The last few years have been the best, and that's because I've been on my own.

I live a very small, simple, quiet life. 😊


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

minimalME said:


> I completely understand.
> 
> The last few years have been the best, and that's because I've been on my own.
> 
> I live a very small, simple, quiet life. 😊


yeah so...I should mention this I guess:

I am a poet. I just finished my MFA in December, and I hate myself when I am not writing. A quiet, simple life is ideal for that...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> yeah so...I should mention this I guess:
> 
> I am a poet. I just finished my MFA in December, and I hate myself when I am not writing. A quiet, simple life is ideal for that...


Perhaps work that into your life as a priority? 

The hard thing for me about being married and having a family was that it seemed like there was a script already written out for me before I even started, and if I wasn't following that script, then I was vilified. Still am, but now it's easier. 😅


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Just to clarify-- I am not ALWAYS miserable. But I definitely feel off and when it gets bad, I do feel miserable. We can go awhile with little to no conflict-- between each other and/or with kids-- and that is obviously easier to deal with. But overall I do wonder what the 'rewards' are-- other than not being alone. I have no real clarity on this, as you can probably tell.


I have often wondered the same re: the rewards. I think for some people companionship and having someone to talk to and go places with is a reward, but for others they don't necessarily need that companionship or someone to vent to. As I said in my original reply to you, I've only been in a handful of relationships and I think I know now that I really don't find being in a relationship all that rewarding. I was attracted to my ex and enjoyed her company and our sex life, but I don't really miss any of those things either. I think some people just don't place a priority or emphasis on those things. As another posted said, we're all different and value different things. I think if you don't find being in a relationship rewarding, that is your answer.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> Just to clarify-- I am not ALWAYS miserable. But I definitely feel off and when it gets bad, I do feel miserable. We can go awhile with little to no conflict-- between each other and/or with kids-- and that is obviously easier to deal with. But overall I do wonder what the 'rewards' are-- other than not being alone. I have no real clarity on this, as you can probably tell.


And I'm going to guess that maybe you have never lived on your own as an adult before? So you don't know what it's like. Of course, you have kids, so you wouldn't be alone all the time, but with joint custody, he should have them half the time, which then gives you both the same amount of responsibility for the kids, visitation with the kids, and leaves you both equal time off to be on your own and rest up, leisure, etc. 

Now, some people hate being alone any amount of time, and some love it. I would think if you should decide to make a change, doing custody half and half would be just right. I don't know where you are, but that is very typically how they do it these days in the U.S. If not, you'd need to just do some online research and see what is normal where you live. If it turned out that it just gave you the full custody or nearly that and left your husband free to do whatever he wanted, that certainly wouldn't be a very good option for many. Unfair. You should get some improvement in your life, some freedom for yourself if you're going to do this. Lots of women have been under someone's thumb their entire life and don't even KNOW who they are when not being influenced/controlled by someone else. I think everyone should experience that before they get married or pregnant, personally, but better late than never.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

uwe.blab said:


> yeah so...I should mention this I guess:
> 
> I am a poet. I just finished my MFA in December, and I hate myself when I am not writing. A quiet, simple life is ideal for that...


I think you’re letting the parenting disagreements color your perception of what life was like before she came into your life. You forgot the lonely feelings you probably had before God brought her into your life. Now you say you settled but I’d bet that was not what you felt when you started dating. 

It sounds like you have a good woman but instead of looking for ways to work through your struggles you’re glamorizing life without her. I recommend that you have some counseling that could include all of the kids. They have a self interest in making things work.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DownByTheRiver said:


> And I'm going to guess that maybe you have never lived on your own as an adult before? So you don't know what it's like. Of course, you have kids, so you wouldn't be alone all the time, but with joint custody, he should have them half the time, which then gives you both the same amount of responsibility for the kids, visitation with the kids, and leaves you both equal time off to be on your own and rest up, leisure, etc.
> 
> Now, some people hate being alone any amount of time, and some love it. I would think if you should decide to make a change, doing custody half and half would be just right. I don't know where you are, but that is very typically how they do it these days in the U.S. If not, you'd need to just do some online research and see what is normal where you live. If it turned out that it just gave you the full custody or nearly that and left your husband free to do whatever he wanted, that certainly wouldn't be a very good option for many. Unfair. You should get some improvement in your life, some freedom for yourself if you're going to do this. Lots of women have been under someone's thumb their entire life and don't even KNOW who they are when not being influenced/controlled by someone else. I think everyone should experience that before they get married or pregnant, personally, but better late than never.


I have lived on my own plenty. Multiple years before and after being married.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I spend a lot of time writing and that’s something I had no real time for while I was married. I’m also an introvert (98% when I was tested) so I’m happiest alone. Maybe you are too?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I think you’re letting the parenting disagreements color your perception of what life was like before she came into your life. You forgot the lonely feelings you probably had before God brought her into your life. Now you say you settled but I’d bet that was not what you felt when you started dating.
> 
> It sounds like you have a good woman but instead of looking for ways to work through your struggles you’re glamorizing life without her. I recommend that you have some counseling that could include all of the kids. They have a self interest in making things work.


Yes I do wonder if I am 'glamorizing' the idea of a more simple life but I am having a hard time remembering the "lonely" feelings that most people would have had, to be honest.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> I spend a lot of time writing and that’s something I had no real time for while I was married. I’m also an introvert (98% when I was tested) so I’m happiest alone. Maybe you are too?


Introvert? Most certainly.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> I have lived on my own plenty. Multiple years before and after being married.


Well, then you know what it's like and whether you enjoyed it or would prefer this or to find another mate. That's good. Lots of people literally don't know what it would be like.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be dating right now because things have changed so much.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

uwe.blab said:


> Yes I do wonder if I am 'glamorizing' the idea of a more simple life but I am having a hard time remembering the "lonely" feelings that most people would have had, to be honest.


Well I suggest you wake up because you are sounding like a walk away wife with this talk about wanting to be alone to write. You said it was 5 years from the time you divorced to when you started with your new wife. So there definitely had to be lonely years especially being a divorced man with kids. Don’t do the marital history revisionism thing. Of course you were overjoyed when you started with her.

You have about 10 years before all of the kids are out of the house, then it will be just the 2 of you. You will then have more time for both each other and your passions. Put in the effort to make this work. Don’t let your and her kids have to go through a family break up again because you think the single dad Grass is greener.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I imagine a lot of the biblical rational for staying married despite lack of adultery etc is so that people do not abandon their biological children and allow them to starve and be eaten by jackels in the desert.

Seeing how you each take care of your own children and do not have children together, I question the applicability of purely biblical perspective to stay together.

The fact that there is MORE conflict and hostility in trying to house 2 different families under one roof and there would be more peace and harmony to live separately, it seems to me that there is more harm in staying.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jsmart said:


> Well I suggest you wake up because you are sounding like a walk away wife with this talk about wanting to be alone to write. You said it was 5 years from the time you divorced to when you started with your new wife. So there definitely had to be lonely years especially being a divorced man with kids. Don’t do the marital history revisionism thing. Of course you were overjoyed when you started with her.
> 
> You have about 10 years before all of the kids are out of the house, then it will be just the 2 of you. You will then have more time for both each other and your passions. Put in the effort to make this work. Don’t let your and her kids have to go through a family break up again because you think the single dad Grass is greener.


You sound like you are assuming that two families under one roof are always going to be better under one roof and that separating back to their constituent families will automatically be detrimental to the kids. 

When dealing with two single parents with children coming together, that is not always true.

Some families really don’t get along and really don’t like each other despite honorable intentions of the parents.

The OP is reporting lots of conflict and people not getting along etc and that while there may have been some lonely times as a single dad, they were more peaceful than now that they are with his wife and her kids.

The devil is in the details here. If there is conflict and hostility and animosity etc between the families, staying together “for the children” can actually be counterproductive to the children’s well being.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Well I suggest you wake up because you are sounding like a walk away wife with this talk about wanting to be alone to write. You said it was 5 years from the time you divorced to when you started with your new wife. So there definitely had to be lonely years especially being a divorced man with kids. Don’t do the marital history revisionism thing. Of course you were overjoyed when you started with her.
> 
> You have about 10 years before all of the kids are out of the house, then it will be just the 2 of you. You will then have more time for both each other and your passions. Put in the effort to make this work. Don’t let your and her kids have to go through a family break up again because you think the single dad Grass is greener.


I understand what you are saying but it's flat out incorrect to characterize me as going from "lonely" to "overjoyed". It just didn't play out like that. 

And the whole "kids will be gone" thing has been told to us too (in counseling and with blended family ministry)-- I am not buying that either. There is already some animosity/jealously regarding me spending time with my kids, esp 14D. So, I am actually concerned about W attitude toward them when they are in early adulthood.

Having said that, she is definitely a positive role-model. Especially when the other mother-figure in their life struggles so much with taking care of them and herself.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> You sound like you are assuming that two families under one roof are always going to be better under one roof and that separating back to their constituent families will automatically be detrimental to the kids.
> 
> When dealing with two single parents with children coming together, that is not always true.
> 
> ...


I know that blended families are a lot of work. Tv shows have made it seem much easier and more fun than a traditional family, hmm, I wonder why? I have some in-laws that tried but it blew up for the OP’s exact reason. I guess I was latching on to his wanting to be alone to write. It just smacked of the kind of thing I see walk away wives say as they rewrite their history to justify breaking up a marriage.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

uwe.blab said:


> I understand what you are saying but it's flat out incorrect to characterize me as going from "lonely" to "overjoyed". It just didn't play out like that.
> 
> And the whole "kids will be gone" thing has been told to us too (in counseling and with blended family ministry)-- I am not buying that either. There is already some animosity/jealously regarding me spending time with my kids, esp 14D. So, I am actually concerned about W attitude toward them when they are in early adulthood.
> 
> Having said that, she is definitely a positive role-model. Especially when the other mother-figure in their life struggles so much with taking care of them and herself.


Then it sounds like you settled for her. That’s a recipe for disaster, especially when you’re talking about a blended family. I just hope you’re not rewriting your relationship history to make it seem like you didn’t truly love her all along because that is also part of the run away wife justification.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blended families only work when the couple truly try to see all of the kids as their kids not his kid or her kids. The kids will follow the lead of the parents if they see fair treatment for all. One standard for everyone. That is a very hard thing to do because it’s natural to favor your own blood. If the couple truly are in love with each other , it’s easier to do but if they’re lukewarm towards each other, then disaster usually ensues.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Biblically, not being happy isn't grounds for a divorce.
> 
> Having said that, my choice to divorce was unbiblical, and I no longer date, and I won't be remarrying.


That ship has sailed already though, this is OP's second marriage, kinda renders it moot.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Blended families only work when the couple truly try to see all of the kids as their kids not his kid or her kids. The kids will follow the lead of the parents if they see fair treatment for all. One standard for everyone. That is a very hard thing to do because it’s natural to favor your own blood. If the couple truly are in love with each other , it’s easier to do but if they’re lukewarm towards each other, then disaster usually ensues.


Well, that is a whole different story. There have been issues with her and my daughter and that definitely affects my own feelings toward her. I think she has it in her head, because we hear it so often, that in a few years my daughter will be gone. However, I plan on still seeing my daughter as much as I can, and I think THAT is going to bother her too. Like....jealousy. Or I could see her just not being interested in visiting my daughter say in college, etc. I do not really know that it is possible to see the kids as truly "ours". That isn't really happening.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, that is a whole different story. There have been issues with her and my daughter and that definitely affects my own feelings toward her. I think she has it in her head, because we hear it so often, that in a few years my daughter will be gone. However, I plan on still seeing my daughter as much as I can, and I think THAT is going to bother her too. Like....jealousy. Or I could see her just not being interested in visiting my daughter say in college, etc. I do not really know that it is possible to see the kids as truly "ours". That isn't really happening.


Yeah, this would be a problem for me. I have never been in your shoes because while I am divorced with kids, I haven't been in another relationship, let alone remarried, since the divorce. But I can imagine what it would be like and I just don't think I could accept my new spouse wanting me to distance myself from my children once they are adults. That doesn't make sense to me. Your kids are always your kids, even when they are adults. How would your wife react if you expected her to stop seeing her kids once they move out? I assume she wouldn't like that. That is a real red flag to me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, that is a whole different story. There have been issues with her and my daughter and that definitely affects my own feelings toward her. I think she has it in her head, because we hear it so often, that in a few years my daughter will be gone. However, I plan on still seeing my daughter as much as I can, and I think THAT is going to bother her too. Like....jealousy. Or I could see her just not being interested in visiting my daughter say in college, etc. I do not really know that it is possible to see the kids as truly "ours". That isn't really happening.


Not all women are like this.

It sounds like you would lead a much happier life without this one and with someone more compatible, or single. 

It's not wrong to want to live your life without strife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, that is a whole different story. There have been issues with her and my daughter and that definitely affects my own feelings toward her. I think she has it in her head, because we hear it so often, that in a few years my daughter will be gone. However, I plan on still seeing my daughter as much as I can, and I think THAT is going to bother her too. Like....jealousy. Or I could see her just not being interested in visiting my daughter say in college, etc. I do not really know that it is possible to see the kids as truly "ours". That isn't really happening.


Many step-parents are jealous of step-children — especially those who are the same sex they are and would prefer their spouse spent as little time as possible with them. I’ve seen a lot of that, unfortunately. If she’s jealous of your daughter now that probably won’t go away in the future (in fact, it may get worse once your daughter is gone and doesn’t “need” to be there (in her eyes).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't see the wife as being jealous of the daughter, we're only getting a very limited side of the story here. The reality is that some parents just can't see how bratty their kids are.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, the other parents? Her ex-husband died a couple years ago. He had a severe drinking problem and basically drank til his body shut down. 42 years old.
> 
> My ex-- most of the time since our divorce she has not had a job. She is working now, but my 14 yr old daughter tries every excuse NOT to go there on her mom's days. I would say she is with us 80% of the time. My 10 yr old does go there 50% of the time. She has lived in an apartment for like 7 years and struggled financially due to not working, gone through like 5 cars and had 5-6 jobs, usually no more than 6 months. And my daughter complains that she sleeps most of the day on weekends when the kids are there.
> 
> ...


Two observations:

First, is it possible your wife also isn't very happy? This potentially is a situation where she sought some stability. A widow (previously married to an addict, at that) with three young children - one a toddler - getting remarried quickly may not be the healthiest situation. Some years later and you're not worrying about stability, but now realize you're not exactly blissfully married either.

Second, you're probably very busy and used to meeting your family's needs yourself, with your ex-wife not adding much value. I was / am in that same situation (except still single) and it has led to me setting a very high bar for who comes into my life. One, since I've built my life, am content single, and don't need anything from anyone, there has to be a strong connection for me to make time in my life for someone. If that connection isn't there, I'd rather just be single. And yes, my tolerance for someone who seems wishy-washy / not pulling in the same direction as me is low.

Could that be what you're feeling with her? If so, you need to be honest with yourself and evaluate whether you can see a way forward to be happy with her. If yes, then you need to have a serious talk with her, tell her how you're feeling, and own up to not having much tolerance for that.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Blended families are hard. My dad divorced his second wife because of some pretty bad issues. All of us kids got along pretty good, step mom just didn’t want my dad to have anything to do with his own kids and she showed it.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DTO said:


> Two observations:
> 
> First, is it possible your wife also isn't very happy? This potentially is a situation where she sought some stability. A widow (previously married to an addict, at that) with three young children - one a toddler - getting remarried quickly may not be the healthiest situation. Some years later and you're not worrying about stability, but now realize you're not exactly blissfully married either.
> 
> ...


I actually think that I am the one more likely to be wishy-washy, with my feelings towards her. After the last couple years, it doesn't take much of a disagreement to turn into a completely unnecessary 'fight'-- which is ALWAYS about her v. my daughter (despite her kids talking back/arguing etc. all the time, we end up talking about my daughter). 

And these 'fights' leave me exhausted and imaging my old, solitary life. She is dead-set on seeing this thing through but I waver. We do pretty well for 2, 3, 4 weeks, then boom-- a fight over....well, not much usually.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She is determined to hold on and you likely won’t leave without her agreement so I’m afraid that’s going to be your world until one of you is gone. Your daughter will grow up and then you can see her away from your wife (my guess is she won’t like that either).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

uwe.blab said:


> I may have made a mistake in getting married-- when I got married I did not feel like I often feel now. I am trying to make it work, and she is a really good person so there is that too. We do have a lot of disagreements in parenting and it leads to a lot of resentment and anger and arguments but we were raised very differently so we have different ideas.
> 
> In any case, I often imagine how much quieter my life would be without these arguments-- between us and between children, etc. And I know absolutely now that I would be good without being married. There are plenty of good times, I just still find myself wondering if this is how I want to spend my life even when everyone is getting along.
> 
> So, just kind of rambling but I do wonder if my stance on this can change somehow. Thanks for all your responses.


It's ok if you reach the end of your rope and divorce keeps things from getting ugly and potentially fraught with trauma.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

uwe.blab said:


> yeah so...I should mention this I guess:
> 
> I am a poet. I just finished my MFA in December, and I hate myself when I am not writing. A quiet, simple life is ideal for that...


Funny, I always had to be busy enough to be inspired and it didn't hurt to be half drunk either.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

uwe.blab said:


> And these 'fights' leave me exhausted and imaging my old, solitary life.


I'd say ^^this^^ is sufficient justification to pull the plug.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Openminded said:


> She is determined to hold on and you likely won’t leave without her agreement so I’m afraid that’s going to be your world until one of you is gone. Your daughter will grow up and then you can see her away from your wife (my guess is she won’t like that either).


I have actually already mentioned that to her-- that I will be seeing my kids even after they are out and on their own.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

I think you should divorce and not question it or feel one ounce of guilt at all!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I always say: you only live once. Divorce, be happy, don't waste your life like I did...


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

You might want to talk to your pastor before you make a decision on this. I say that because you mentioned you are a Christian and those things aren't taken so lightly.


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