# Very confused



## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

My brain says walk away ! My heart says stay ! 
My husband 3 weeks ago told me He does not love me and never has . Over the last 15 yrs he has tried . He feels bad and ashamed over this lie he has been keeping . We get along amazingly .
About a year into dating I got pregnant , so he thought to do the right thing . There was things about me that kept him from loving me and that was there was no attraction. I was not as educated as he liked , my background (wrong side of the tracks ) 
My looks were ok for him but that's about it . 
He is 15 yrs older than I . 
This last yr he has lost his company of 40 yrs 
And of course he was grieving over that and i stuck by him like glue supporting him encouraging him telling him that we as a family are here for you in what ever you do . Meanwhile in this yr it's been driving him crazy that our marriage was all lies tring to find ways to love me .but he just couldn't 
So he just blurted it out one day . Tore me up inside felt like I couldn't breath . 
For the first week he was talking about separating the next was maybe I can learn to love you . 
We are still in the same house we can not afford to move or sell our house . We are not fighting just no emotional touches . 
We did go to a councler and hubby will be seeing her weekly on his own and I have one at the end of month . 
I've searched the Internet on how can I forgive him . How does a marriage last . I have found lots of ways to learn to love your wife . But nothing on where your husband married you out of pity (his words ) 
I asked all the right questions.. like ..I asked him our wedding day you cried I hugged you . Was that not tears of joy (I was tring to find something to prove to him that he does love me ) 
He said .. that was the night of rehearsal and those were tears of sadness breaking all my values. 
Wow .. I thought if he just fell out of love we could go back and find it . But how do you find it when it was never there !!!!
Today he thinks he loves me . And maybe he was wrong and just doesn't understand what love means . Because he knows he loves me in a caring way . 
I was a great wife . I would most times serve his food to him pack his clothes for business trips set out his clothes for morning.I did just about everything for him . As he was good to me to . But I sit here and I don't want to do anything for him anymore. So if he want s to learn to love me what do I do ? I don't feel it right that I sit and wait to hear those words again . Yeah nope I don't love you . I think he is scared to be on his own ....any advice on how do I stay married after hearing all that . Or should I ? Anyone hear of successful outcomes of such a blow . So confused


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## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

tinker2 I am sorry you are going through this. You have come to the right place for good advice.


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

I hope so .. I'm tired of searching all hours of the night looking for answers.


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

...


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tinker, it's the weekend. Things are slow here.

Based on what you wrote, he is about 60, you 45. You married at 30, him at 45. He is at retirement age. You have a 15 yo son. Am I close?

People often rewrite the marriage history when they reach a leaving point. So often, the new history does not match the true. He might be telling you the truth or his version is now distorted.

Are you financially able to leave and divorce? How would custody be with your son? 50/50?


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

Yes you r right . However I had 3 children before we met . He was the best step dad ever . H and I had our son who is 13 and a daughter who is going to be 10 . We have very little equity in our house left . We borrowed from the house to try and save the company. At one time H said let just give it back to bank and walk away . I just can't . I emotionally can not make that step yet . We or I would have a little struggle getting started on my own . I asked him if we had the bank account like we had way back would you leave . He said probably and he would give me half . 
I do not want a divorce most days . But I'm sitting hear thinking how do I go on wondering if he is here only because he is settling . With out bragging I do make it easy for a good companion. As so is he . I just wonder if anyone has had a full recovery from this staying together


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here.

He is NOT telling you the truth. He may not be a passionate man and a deep soul but he did marry you. The fact that you had three children with another man and he still took you as his wife shows that he valued you enough to take you as HIS bride.

I think he suffers from low self-esteem. He sounds deflated and depressed. For these reasons alone he is pushing you away. 

If he does not love himself how can he love others?. Life has come crashing down on his world. 

I think he feels like a total failure, at this "low point" in your marriage. The business failed, the marriage is in financial trouble.

I see him as trying to escape reality. 

Again, he is trying to push you away. Why? He values your future happiness, the children's future happiness.. A happiness that "he feels" unsustainable as long as he heads the household. Maybe he wants you to find someone else. Someone else who will be able to take better care of you and the children. At minimum,.that shows concern....maybe love?

He needs psychological help and anti-depressive meds.


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Sorry you are here.
> 
> He is NOT telling you the truth. He may not be a passionate man and a deep soul but he did marry you. The fact that you had three children with another man and he still took you as his wife shows that he valued you enough to take you as HIS bride.
> 
> ...


Thank you ... yes you are right about my h . I keep thinking he is doing this because of depression. However he told me he has been sick in the head about this lie for so long time .fighting with it that he even thought of suicide before before having to tell me the truth . He knew this was needed to be said because he never ever thought he would be capable of even thinking suicide . He went to a phycoligist they were going to admit him . Once he told me the truth he felt alot better just caring a lot of guilt for hurting me . I want him to get mentally better like he was once . I told him to get better for his kids and him not for me . . I think he wants to move on but is scared of the change . And I'm scared to keep hanging on to be told I still don't love you .. I keep thinking at the same time maybe he does love me but doesn't know what love is .. like you said if he doesn't love himself how can he love anyone. However he had pretty good self-esteem before his company went under . Lol almost to much high self-esteem.


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

Thank you for the input. . I take all this into consideration while making some big decision. .. I will not be finding anyone to take care of me . I can do this on my own if I have to .I would have high expectations my h was a great husband.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Tinker,

This question might be too personal to answer, but was your last child planned or was she unexpected?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I could swear I saw a thread lately of a man explaining this very scenario as the husband??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Tinker,
> 
> This question might be too personal to answer, but was your last child planned or was she unexpected?


Planned ... H said marriage and other child was just seemed like the right thing to do . He did enjoy making me happy .


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

tinker2 said:


> Planned ... H said marriage and other child was just seemed like the right thing to do . He did enjoy making me happy .


That is good to her. That has to be a sign of love. So I do not believe that he "never" loved you. 

He is in a tough place and is lost and is rewriting the history of his entire life.


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## tinker2 (Apr 26, 2016)

I think I just need to know if I choose to stay for him to find the love that was never there , is that fair to me ? What really would be my chances of him loving me when he hasn't in 15 yrs of tring .


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## Mrs. Rodriguez (Aug 5, 2012)

You poor thing! I think that he can't take back what he said. I think most marriages are saveable. They just take so much work. All you can do is move forward. I think your husband needs a job and his confidance back. He's not in any shape to say things like this. I think he's not in any state to know what he wants. 
I think marriage counseling is a great idea. im so sorry your in this spot!


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