# Scheduling sex



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

I am sure this must have been addressed in previous posts, but nothing I found specific, so hoping for some insight from the TAM group, especially the ladies.

My wife prefers sex to be more about "when the mood strikes", and she has said it is hard to just "make herself in the mood". I COMPLETELY get this, and as a 45 year old adult, am aware of how sometimes you are in the mood, and sometimes not. 

The challenge.....my wife feels much more free and relaxed when we are away from the house. No kids, no distractions, etc, so I one of the things we have tried to do is set aside nights to go out for dinner an drinks and get a local hotel room. We also sometimes do short weekends away. The trouble I face, is that these types of events need some planning ahead of time and are not easy to just do "in the moment". We have kids that need to to be accommodated (which we can do, with some notice), so when we have not had a chance to spend much time together, I will suggest we plan a night away. Wife likes the idea in general, but often says she then feels pressured to be in a sexual mood. I do not exactly know how to navigate this, as she is right in that the point of getting a hotel is for sex, but also something that needs to be planned ahead of time.

On one hand she tells me that she only feels mentally free of distraction when we can get away, but on the other she says she feel pressure to plan ahead and prefers sex when the mood strikes. I am very different, and knowing we have a night away planned, I can look forward to it and be in that head space when the time comes. 

Do any of you plan or schedule sex? I am not meaning every time, but do you ever plan ahead intentional time specifically for sex? How does it work out for you guys? 

I get down sometimes, feeling like I have to wait for the planets, stars, and moon to align.....and happen to be a time we are away. I sometimes feel a lack of being desired, that she does not look forward to planned time, but then I also understand sex just works different for us, and its not a lack of interest in me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You should read the book "Sexual Intelligence" by Marty Klein with your wife. It is currently free for those that have a Kindle Unlimited. If you don't, I'll share the concepts with you...

The idea is that as relationships mature things start out new and exciting and transition into familiar and comforting. When things are new and exciting it can be a lot of fun and that tends to just happen "naturally." As time progresses it is more difficult to achieve excitement in the bedroom and gradually more effort is required (such as scheduling or trying to calm your mind from daily distractions). 

The author makes it a point to say that for those that insist on things still being "natural" tends to create disfunction by failing to recognize how the nature of sexuality matures between a couple over time. At this point in your marriage, things have to be planned at least a little. This can actually be a positive thing for many reasons and it has worked out well in my marriage.

My wife does not enjoy the planning part of intimacy. But if there is one things she hates is the notion of having to be rushed. She wants lots of foreplay and aftercare for which ideally we need about an hour and a half. 

So if your wife has trouble getting in the mood, you have to kind of embrace that. Extend foreplay to include about 30-45 minutes of her talking through her day and the things that are bothering her. Don't use this time to address/correct those things, but mostly listen as a way to be more aware and begin making a strong emotional connection. This should help her just let go of everything and transition towards feeling close and in the mood.

I started a thread a long time ago about scheduling, so it might contain some helpful feedback for you as well Benefits of scheduling intimacy?

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I hate planned sex. There is nothing better then when my partner just has to have me, it’s such a turn on. When he tries to initiate sex because he knows it’s been a while, but I can tell he isn’t really really into it, it’s a turn off. If that makes sense. 

I think having little getaways planned all the time is really important. But get it out of your mind that it’s for sex. Plan these getaways because you want to hang out with just your wife away from the kids, and plan fun things to do together. Focus on having fun and trying new things. 

My suggestion is to just always plan these little getaways every couple of months, not just when you need them. So for example, I have like 4 little getaways already planned for the year. If you do it way ahead of time, it makes things easier. Especially if there are fun events around you. I always plan to go to the dc cherry blossom festival, and the tennis us open, then a weekend spa get away etc. plan a couple fun things early throughout the year.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I hate planned sex. There is nothing better then when my partner just has to have me, it’s such a turn on. When he tries to initiate sex because he knows it’s been a while, but I can tell he isn’t really really into it, it’s a turn off. If that makes sense.


OP, pay close attention to that comment there! You will likely have to overcome that issue.

Women hate planned sex primarily if they experience the husband struggling to get in the mood. So when it is planned, be prepared to show up freaking in the mood and easy to please. While this is the perfect recipe for a man to get performance anxiety during scheduled sex (and counterintuitive to what you might read in the Sexual Intelligence book), this is needed to help your wife transition into the mindset of learning how to create the mood together as a couple. 

Flip this around backwards for a moment. When you schedule sex, you wife for the first time can learn to enjoy the moments when sex is NOT scheduled. This will allow her to effectively schedule nonsexual intimacy with you which can be almost more important than sex. It will be likely during this time that she will learn how to hone in on her skills to create the mood as a way to toy with you and see if she can push you over the edge of having to have it on a day that you promised that there will be no sex. If you don't get in the mood then no ones feelings are hurt and you enjoy nonsexual intimacy. If you do get in the mood, loose control and have to have it, well your wife will enjoy that and she will have the confidence of knowing you were not in the mood but she created that opportunity as a way to toy with you. 

So keep in mind that when it comes to scheduling intimacy, that there are huge benefits in that your wife will begin to enjoy knowing that you are not allowed to pounce. Perhaps schedule romantic getaways during the moments that sex is NOT scheduled and insist that it will not be allowed. She will be like a kitten practicing how to pounce on you and get you all tangled up into like a ball of string!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

We schedule 95% of our sex, have for years. Works well for us. Started out organically with our standing Sunday afternoon date. We always look forward to that.

Advanced planning gives her some time to calm her racing mind. She has a really hard time getting into sex (let’s not even talk about an O) when distracted. We pick a time with minimal distractions and she can have a clear mind to be present for us.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

My wife and I schedule what we refer to as “meetings” typically twice a week and sometimes three. (At 58, I will take it) We use our Outlook Calendars and take turns sending each other an invite. The location of the meeting is noted on the invite and it is typically the living room, deck, bedroom, or farm. I like our rendezvous at our farm as we are isolated and frolic in the buff an afternoon or two in the hot tub there.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> You should read the book "Sexual Intelligence" by Marty Klein with your wife. It is currently free for those that have a Kindle Unlimited. If you don't, I'll share the concepts with you...
> 
> The idea is that as relationships mature things start out new and exciting and transition into familiar and comforting. When things are new and exciting it can be a lot of fun and that tends to just happen "naturally." As time progresses it is more difficult to achieve excitement in the bedroom and gradually more effort is required (such as scheduling or trying to calm your mind from daily distractions).
> 
> ...


Thanks. I will order the book on Amazon. I prefer still reading actual printed books, but am OK to wait a few days while it ships.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

So...thanks everyone for the feedback so far. I realized I needed to add some details to clarify.

The two children (out of 3) that still live at home are 16 and 18 years old, so my wife and I actually have a TON of time together for non-sexual time, and we do that intentionally many times a week. We are best friends and do share large amount of non-sexual intimacy. The "getaways" I am talking about, are over an above the ones we do that are non-sexual. 3 out of 4 times we get away, are for events, fun things to try, weekends with friends, etc. 1 out of every 4 times, it is because I am specifically trying to provide a distraction free time that is for sex. That is the point. The issue, is as soon as it is planned and known to be for the purpose of sex, my wife feels implied "pressure" that she must therefor be in the mood at the time, and regardless if she may have been or not been, as soon as the "pressure" crosses her mind, she immediately assumes it will not work out and gets weird with me. It causes me to feel that I am not allowed to try to plan, and should just always wait to let things play out naturally, but when we are home and in the day-to-day (especially with kids home around the clock due to COVID-19), she is so distracted by a "busy mind (her words), that sex becomes a side item. 

I guess the main point....it is hard for me to accept that the idea of planning sex is not welcomed by my wife. Even though I logically understand it, I feel very unwanted. Its hard to think that she would not look forward to the opportunity in the way I can, and has to rely on hoping she feels the itch at the time.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I guess the main point....it is hard for me to accept that the idea of planning sex is not welcomed by my wife. Even though I logically understand it, I feel very unwanted. Its hard to think that she would not look forward to the opportunity in the way I can, and has to rely on hoping she feels the itch at the time.


One thing I would recommend is to plan for scheduled sex to be bad in terms of pleasure and performance so that you can each shift the focus on helping the other person feel loved. If your wife has anxiety it might be because she feels like she is inadequate to ever be enough to truly please you. You can disarm that by taking possession of that and claiming that you feel that way towards her pleasure (which is likely that you do and you can be honest about it). 

This is where the lines between nonsexual intimacy and sexual intimacy begin to blur... Can you enjoy nonsexual intimacy while having sex? Can you shift completely away from the notion of trying to pleasure one another and focus solely on making each other feel emotionally connected and loved? 

If you can do that, get ready for a thermo nuclear bomb to explode in your bedroom! Sexuality in a long term marriage plays by a set of nondemocratic rules that are not obvious and fair. If you have sex purposely trying to avoid pleasure, that can be the key to experiencing exponentially more pleasure than you ever thought possible. 

That just doesn't happen naturally. It takes some skill as a couple to work together towards that. The first step is giving each other permission for sex to be bad and fail (which it likely will a few times) as a way to show love and acceptance for each other's imperfections. Once that happens and things become more relaxed and comforting, the sparks of each of you letting go of your imperfect selves into each other will become possible. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> So...thanks everyone for the feedback so far. I realized I needed to add some details to clarify.
> 
> The two children (out of 3) that still live at home are 16 and 18 years old, so my wife and I actually have a TON of time together for non-sexual time, and we do that intentionally many times a week. We are best friends and do share large amount of non-sexual intimacy. The "getaways" I am talking about, are over an above the ones we do that are non-sexual. 3 out of 4 times we get away, are for events, fun things to try, weekends with friends, etc. 1 out of every 4 times, it is because I am specifically trying to provide a distraction free time that is for sex. That is the point. The issue, is as soon as it is planned and known to be for the purpose of sex, my wife feels implied "pressure" that she must therefor be in the mood at the time, and regardless if she may have been or not been, as soon as the "pressure" crosses her mind, she immediately assumes it will not work out and gets weird with me. It causes me to feel that I am not allowed to try to plan, and should just always wait to let things play out naturally, but when we are home and in the day-to-day (especially with kids home around the clock due to COVID-19), she is so distracted by a "busy mind (her words), that sex becomes a side item.
> 
> I guess the main point....it is hard for me to accept that the idea of planning sex is not welcomed by my wife. Even though I logically understand it, I feel very unwanted. Its hard to think that she would not look forward to the opportunity in the way I can, and has to rely on hoping she feels the itch at the time.


I understand your wife because she doesn’t like scheduled sex, then for it to be planned on top of time away, money spent and effort... it really puts the pressure on. 

How often do you guys have sex at home, during a normal time? Do you still initiate and she refuses? Or are you the type of guy that likes to have the verbal ok before you initiate?


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> I understand your wife because she doesn’t like scheduled sex, then for it to be planned on top of time away, money spent and effort... it really puts the pressure on.
> 
> How often do you guys have sex at home, during a normal time? Do you still initiate and she refuses? Or are you the type of guy that likes to have the verbal ok before you initiate?


Good questions. We have sex, on average, about 12 times a month (long story, but we actually track it.). That includes any type of sex. Out of the ~12 times, the vast majority are fairly uneventful basic vanilla sex. Many times more about a release than any passion or shred connection. It seems only when we are away, that sex is more passionate, exploring, and extensive (hence part of the reason I like scheduling time away for sex). 

I do initiate, but admitted not great at it. A lot of rejection over the years has caused some lack of confidence. Also, since my wife often talks about liking sex when the mood strikes, she ends up taking on more of the initiating role, EXCEPT for planning the times away...which I almost always am the one to suggest (although that is more about initiating for an event in the future, not in the moment)


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Good questions. We have sex, on average, about 12 times a month (long story, but we actually track it.). That includes any type of sex. Out of the ~12 times, the vast majority are fairly uneventful basic vanilla sex. Many times more about a release than any passion or shred connection. It seems only when we are away, that sex is more passionate, exploring, and extensive (hence part of the reason I like scheduling time away for sex).
> 
> I do initiate, but admitted not great at it. A lot of rejection over the years has caused some lack of confidence. Also, since my wife often talks about liking sex when the mood strikes, she ends up taking on more of the initiating role, EXCEPT for planning the times away...which I almost always am the one to suggest (although that is more about initiating for an event in the future, not in the moment)


Is there a reason why you cant make the times you have sex at home more about passion? 

It sounds like you are unhappy with the quality of sex not so much the quantity, and your solution was planning these times away, which doesn’t work for your wife. So what else can you do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Many times more about a release than any passion or shred connection. It seems only when we are away, that sex is more passionate, exploring, and extensive (hence part of the reason I like scheduling time away for sex).


Desire needs distance! 

How about the times that you are together solely for a physical release that you opt instead to do that solo? It is possible to do that with a spouse's encouragement (as in you give each other something to think about during your time alone) in a way that serves to being you even more closer and add more passion. I'll admit that is a very awkward area to venture into, but the idea is that you care for each other carnal need for just a release in a way that adds passion and desire for when you do get together. 

At least it is worth talking about. Having a few fights about it. Calming down. Revisiting the topic calmly, and then enjoying teasing the crap out of each other to see who looses their s*** first and ravages the other. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Desire needs distance!
> 
> How about the times that you are together solely for a physical release that you opt instead to do that solo? It is possible to do that with a spouse's encouragement (as in you give each other something to think about during your time alone) in a way that serves to being you even more closer and add more passion. I'll admit that is a very awkward area to venture into, but the idea is that you care for each other carnal need for just a release in a way that adds passion and desire for when you do get together.
> 
> ...


We have no issue with going solo, its not a negative topic in our relationship. I am not normally a huge fan for myself and wife drive not high enough that she would often, but I am tracking you on why it might be beneficial. I will give that some thought....


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Married_in_michigan said:


> We have no issue with going solo, its not a negative topic in our relationship. I am not normally a huge fan for myself and wife drive not high enough that she would often, but I am tracking you on why it might be beneficial. I will give that some thought....


Let me give you some rather comical insight into wives that do not have enough drive to do things solo. Read the reviews of adult novelties on Amazon. One of the most common complaints from is that a device has a faulty battery:



> The first time work fantastic!! Unfortunately it won’t charge any more. Basically two weeks of use. Too bad


Eventually if you read enough of these reviews you will realize that a husband purchased the novelty to spice things up in the bedroom. The battery works absolutely just fine and has no faults. For reasons the husband can not understand the batteries on these devices will not hold a charge, especially after discovering the wife really likes it. What a shame! I bet the wife cries silently inside when the husband gets mad, throws the toy in the trash, and hauls it off to the dump. 

If only wives could have been more open and let their husband know how much she was enjoying that toy when she was alone. But no, she allowed her husband to believe the battery was faulty instead. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

Firstly I wish I was having sex 12 times a month with my wife. Secondly my wife has said there's nothing worse than scheduled sex for her.

So basically here is our sex life in a nutshell - we have sex only when my wife is in the mood and I happen to initiate. I've been monitoring some personal goals over the last 37 days and I thought i'd also monitor our sex life. During those 37 days we've had sex 6 times and we've had two spells of no sex for 10 days, one of which we're currently on now.

Here is usually the routine - Monday - Thursday no sex or affection generally. My wife finishes work and spends all night looking at her phone watching TV.

Friday - If we have a few drinks together, my wife relaxes, we invariably end up having sex (I always initiate). On occasions (after too much drink) I've failed to rise to the occasion, my wife has zero patience so I've got viagra as a back up now. I think to myself this might be the only time we have sex in the next 10-14 days I want to make sure it happens. Sad I know
.
Sometimes the next morning after a drink we may have sex again (i again initiate). This happens probably 1 out of 15 times.

In fact I think it was about 15 years ago that my wife just kissed me whilst sober. The only affection i get is sometimes she'll put a pillow on my lap and her head whilst watching TV. Or touch my leg with hers in bed.

We haven't had the kids minded for 3 months during lockdown. Last night my parents had them. My wife is on a new keep fit regime - no alcohol. I knew what was going to happen.

Instead of doing something different without the kids being there - my wife's mother called her and they both engaged in conversation for at least 40 mins. Then my wife just wanted to watch netflix which we do when the kids are there.

We went to bed at 11, I put my arm over her. Nothing in return. She just lay there like a dead dog as usual when she's sober. No alcohol - no sex. No affection. Absolutely nothing.

On a positive note, we do schedule time away - weekends, hotel stays etc (in fact my wife did mention one last night for August) and we do have lots of sex generally on holidays. Then again it's because we're drinking every night. My wife is doing a keep fit thing for 28 days, I'd be surprised if we have sex more than one during that time.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I LOVE scheduling sex!! I mean, I realize that it doesn't feel spontaneous and "passionate", but come on...do people really need to be aroused FOR sex...?? Doesn't just the act of engaging in sex create arousal...? If I am being kissed and felt on my body (even with clothes on) with desire by my partner, I'm absolutely going to GET in the mood. 
So when sex is scheduled, THAT is what I look forward to - being kissed and touched, feeling wanted and sexy, having physical attention that is just for ME and MY pleasure. 

Tell your wife to think of it as time to just enjoy being kissed and touched and pleasured with NO pressure...if she gets turned on, will she naturally want to have sex...?


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

LisaDiane said:


> I LOVE scheduling sex!! I mean, I realize that it doesn't feel spontaneous and "passionate", but come on...do people really need to be aroused FOR sex...?? Doesn't just the act of engaging in sex create arousal...? If I am being kissed and felt on my body (even with clothes on) with desire by my partner, I'm absolutely going to GET in the mood.
> So when sex is scheduled, THAT is what I look forward to - being kissed and touched, feeling wanted and sexy, having physical attention that is just for ME and MY pleasure.
> 
> Tell your wife to think of it as time to just enjoy being kissed and touched and pleasured with NO pressure...if she gets turned on, will she naturally want to have sex...?


YES. When I was married, our sex life dwindled to a level that I found distressing. He rarely initiated, and frequently turned me down when I initiated. 

I wanted to schedule sex. For me, just the anticipation of knowing I'm going to have sex turns me on... it's all I think about in the days leading up to it. But he insisted that scheduling would remove the romance, would make it less special and less spontaneous.

He promised that he would make more of an effort, would be more romantic and initiate more, but he didn't, and it only got worse. In the last 12 months before we separated, we had sex all of two times, and both times I had to get him drunk (which wasn't hard, since he was an alcoholic), and both times it was awful.

Obviously, I couldn't solve the problem in my own marriage, but I did learn a few things, which I hope will help the OP.

First, a decline in sex is very rarely just about sex. It's usually a symptom of something else. Increasing the sex levels won't solve the underlying issue. A healthy relationship creates a fertile environment where sex will flourish. But if there is a problem in the relationship and/or unresolved issues for one or both parties, and you need to resolve these and work towards a healthier relationship. Which means seeing a marriage counselor.

The second thing I've learned is that you can only fix problems in a relationship if both people are willing to acknowledge that there is a problem. And both people need to be invested in qorking together to fix whatever isn't working. It means swallowing your pride, admitting to your mistakes, bwing vulnerable, and humbling yourself to do whatever it takes to fix the relationship. 

I'm not sure your wife is there, unfortunately. You need to have a very honest conversation with your wife, because unless you do something about this, sex will likely become even less frequent than it already is.

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

FeministInPink said:


> First, a decline in sex is very rarely just about sex. It's usually a symptom of something else. Increasing the sex levels won't solve the underlying issue. A healthy relationship creates a fertile environment where sex will flourish. But if there is a problem in the relationship and/or unresolved issues for one or both parties, and you need to resolve these and work towards a healthier relationship. Which means seeing a marriage counselor.
> 
> The second thing I've learned is that you can only fix problems in a relationship if both people are willing to acknowledge that there is a problem. And both people need to be invested in qorking together to fix whatever isn't working. It means swallowing your pride, admitting to your mistakes, bwing vulnerable, and humbling yourself to do whatever it takes to fix the relationship.
> 
> ...


I believe these points you've made are exactly right and very important to understand, for all couples!!! 
I'm so glad you shared your perspective!!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

We do both: scheduled and spontaneous. The spontaneous is an unexpected thrill. The scheduled provides time to shift mental gears and build anticipation.

Some people greatly prefer one or the other or find that one works better for them. Sadly, nothing works for some.


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