# What to do after spouse has EA and then files for divorce?



## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

My husband and I have been married 18 years. He is military and returned from Afghanistan in Mar 09. We had some big problems when he was there and although he promised to get us into counseling upon his return it never happened. 

Jump forward to present. A few months ago I noticed him cutting himself off from me. If I went and sat with him in the front room, he would go to the back room, and vice versa. I noticed that he was on the computer more and was keeping his phone on him 24/7. On our 18th anniversary I caught him on the side of the house on his phone. I comfronted him, asked him if there was someone else. He said "no" but told me he no longer wanted to be married and that he didn't care about me. He told me he was unhappy for a long time. When I asked him why he never told me, all I got was a shoulder shrug.

That very night, I caught him checking his cell phone in the middle of the night. I checked the phone records the next day and found that he called/texted this phone number almost 4,000 times over a two month period (when I look back on it, the same time he started to pull away). I found out that he had been speaking to an old neighbor from when he was growing up. She is also married and has a child. He said she was "just a friend" and that he would end the relationship. I got blamed for all the problems he says we had and got blamed for over reacting. I checked his FB page and saw posts where he said "he was the happiest he has been in his life," "that looking at the past was painful, the future scary, but next to him was his best friend."

When I found out about the EA, I asked him to go to counseling so that we could get past this. He refused. He gave me mixed signals for the next week by going out with me, holding hands, and having sex. Little did I know, but during that time, he had already filed for divorce. I was served a few days later. 

He is determined to get out of the marriage, quickly. He filed for sole custody of the kids, the house, no spousal support (even though I have been a SAHM for 16 yrs). He was only willing to give me most of the furniture/decor and half of his military retirement (which won't happen until next year). I am also in the middle of medical treatment for injuries sustained in a car accident last OCt and will lose my medical coverage when the divorce is final.

The phone calls/texts ended but he was still sneaking around on the computer and I know he has G-mail that he uses. She has not filed for divorce from her husband.

I am so stressed from having him in the house sneaking around to talk to her. He thinks I am going to lie down and let him get over on me, and I am not. I have myself and my children to think about. Our arguing is starting to escalate and we still have 5 weeks to our court date.

I don't know what to do anymore. I was trying to be nice to him for the sake of the kids but it is getting harder and harder each day.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow. What an awful person he sounds like. I would confront the other woman - maybe even her husband. What do you have to lose? At least to have him try to be more civil with the custody and such. Unless there is an honest reason for him to do this, I personally would talk to the husband of the other woman. 
IDK - maybe this is bad advice. 
Good luck. 
I'm sorry.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

The first lawyer I talked to said to find out who her husband was and to tell him what was going on. 

I did contact the OW and when H found out, he told me to leave her alone, that I was harassing her. He was more concerned about her and her feelings than he was with mine or those of my children.

She actually filed a protective order against me the same day he filed his divorce papers. I had to drive 150 miles to fight it. The good thing that came out of that is that I got to see what she looked like and the judge dismissed it quickly when he found out she was married, I was married, and it involved my husband.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

There is a way forward for you 

Firstly you need to think of YOU

Look after yourself, eat well, exercise and keep your mind clear. Try limiting the anxiety and stress.

Lets start..

At this stage do not accept the divorce, 

NO do not let your kids go –make it clear you will fight him tooth and nail for them. They must not move out of the house and nor must you. 

Make sure you have a good lawyer to protect your interests.

Next - Do you want to remain married and do you love your husband.

If yes steps are..

Stop the affair then work on the marriage.

Kill this affair; he has jumped very quickly so you need to do a couple of things as soon as:-. Let his family know he is in an affair. Let the OW’s husband know (he may already know based on your note). Tell his Senior Officer or HR team at his base camp he is having and affair. You will need a certain amount of evidence so gather it. Tell his friends. Expose this.

Do not be emotional, angry, or let any bad behaviours slip in when you are doing this. It is hard but keep composed. You are doing this because you love your husband and want to fight for the marriage.


This will be a long journey.. 

Assume your husband moves out, make sure you have the children and he pays sufficient funds to you to maintain your family.

Wait, be patient, carry on with life, do some soul searching and try to understand what you need to do to make things better in your marriage, there are always two sides to a story, act on these changes it is for your benefit.

Post as often as you like.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I didn't want the divorce but he is adament about it. I just stopped trying to change his mind and have started making plans for the future without him. I have a good lawyer who has put in a counterclaim against him. That made him angry when he realized how much $$$ he would have to pay spousal support. Told me I was trying to take him to the cleaners. I told him I only wanted what I was entitled to by law. He never thought about the $$$ consequences of a divorce. We have two children in private school and he didn't think about how tuition will be paid after supporting two households. 

I got him to sign paperwork for joint custody and I am asking to remain in the house (I had told him I would move if he bought me out), again that has made him mad. I decided I wanted him totally out of his comfort zone. When he is in his bachelor pad, with no kids, no furniture, no one to take care of him, no OW if she doesn't divorce her husband, etc. Then he might realize what he has thrown away. H has never taken care of himself before. He doesn't know how to pay bills, grocery shop, or cook (unless you count grilling). I asked him how he was going to get the kids to school when he had them and he said he hadn't thought about it. He asked if I could help him. I didn't even answer that one. He know I would do because I always do it when it comes to them. I am going to have to learn to put my foot down on that. 

As for remaining with my husband, I did want to work on the marriage when I first found out about her, but now that he has filed papers and wants this divorce quickly, only tells me that he has her or waiting in the wings. He refuses to go to counseling even for the sake of trying to get past this all and try to be good co-parents for the kids. He has said and done some nasty things in the mean time that hurt so much that I am becoming resentful of him.

I did call his mom when I found about her. She already knew about the OW and defended him. She said it was my fault because we had been having problems for loooong time and he could have female friends if he wanted to. That I was just too jealous and that is why he hid her from me. He has been lying to his mom and told her that I refused to go to counseling when we had problems before. It was he who didn't make the appointment. Now that he isn't texting the OW, he is texting his mom 20-30 times a day. At first, I thought his mom gave her phone to OW so H could continue talking to her, but the kids still get texts from that number so she still has it. 

When I found out about the OW, I asked him to stop contacting her. He called her in front of me and told her he couldn't talk to her anymore. The phone records show he hasn't contacted her but then he started staying on the computer and using g-mail to message someone. He even took a notebook we had purchased for a Christmas gift to use when I went to bed. He is still being sneaky around the house so I know he is still in contact with her. I did ask him the other day to have some courtesy and not do it while in the house with me and the kids. 

I went to speak with his 1st Sgt yesterday. He was already aware of the situation and basically told me that the text/phone records I had were not enough. But I think that he was surprised as I know H didn't tell him the whole story as to why we were getting divorced. He got mad that I went and was in a bad mood when he got home. He lashed out at me with harsh words then later was nice and even joked around. He runs hot and cold all the time.

He had never apologized for anything as he thinks he has done nothing wrong. It's not wrong because it was not physical. 

There is no assumption, someone is moving out on our court date (9 Sept). I don't plan on it being me. Although we agreed to joint custody 50/50, the kids want to stay with me during the week and him on weekends. I told them that is something that they will need to tell the judge. They are almost 16 and 17 so they are old enough to have a say in the situaiton.

My lawyer is asking for a deferrment of the divorce until I finish up my medical. H is not happy about that one bit. He told me that his lawyer told him he had a divorce final in 20 days after the court date. That is what he is expecting as well. I don't know if I will get deferrment or not. If I do, that keeps us tied for at least another year. If not, my lawyer said he will drag this out until the end of Mar/April next year. 

I have come to realize that the only way to avoid conflict in the house is to not talk to him unless necessary (about the kids). 

I guess the only thing I can do at this point is move on for myself and my kids, wait, be patient, and carry on with life. I have been doing some soul searching and figuring out what I can do better in the marriage. But I sometimes think why bother, when he has already planned his new life without me.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Hold the line, you have made a lot of progress. I suspect his regrets will kick in once he is on his own. You seem to have control and know what you want. Kids and family first.

One day you may choose to be with someone who actually loves you. 

Best of luck 

Please use the forum to vent it does help..


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

He went to his Mom's last weekend as my younger son had an appointment up there. My son said H left a few times and didn't say where he was going. The OW lives in the town his mom lives in. So I can guess where he was going. 

I don't know why I let things like that bother me, but they do. I don't know how to cut myself off from him emotionally. 

But while he was gone, my older son and I had a great stress-free weekend. I know things can be great for all of us once he moves out of the house.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Do not let him get to you, at the end of the day he will more than know where he stands. 

You will have the kids plus support, your kids will grow up and know him for what he is. 

Your lawyer seems on top of things.


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes, I have a good lawyer. I guess he didn't think I would get one. When I was served with the papers, he told me all I had to do was show up to that court that day and we would then go to mediation. I told him he was crazy if he thought I would show up without representation with the things he was asking for (everything). 

Yes, the kids notice the things he is doing and have made reference to them. I know the things he is doing are going to affect his relationship with them. They have been very supportive of me and are giving me more hugs than usual (which are greatly appreciated). When my youngest was gone with H last weekend, he texted me the whole time to ask how I was doing and he told me that he appreciated all that I do for him. I was so touched by that. He said he didn't want to be at his grandparents house. Neither want to go up there anymore because they know they are helping H with all this and encouraging him (they are paying for his lawyer).

Younger son said all they talked about was the divorce and how much they (the kids) were going to cost him because he changed his mind about sole custody and agreed to joint custody.

I also just finished a 5 page letter to H. My counselor (I am going alone) thought it would be good therapy to write down my feelings. I did that and took ownership for my part in the marital problems. I told him why I felt so betrayed and that I was through wasting time on the negative feelings, who he was talking to, and trying to be friends with him. It was counter-productive to what I really needed to do which is concentrate on me and the kids and move on with my new life.

I also told him, I was going back to volunteering as I have forgotten how to give. I used to get so much out of volunteering that I know I need that back in my life again. I told him that it was probably better for everyone to just give space and only speak when necessary to avoid conflict until we go to court. I than wished him the best.

I do feel a little lighter after writing that. It is supposed to be for me, but i will leave a copy for him as well.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever tell OW's husband? OW's parents?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I didn't know how to contact OW's husband. Everything was in her name (cell phone , home line). I don't know what his name is or who her parents are. 

I did find her son on facebook when looking at H's friends. I think she was using a false name to communicate with him. It had a full face picture of a hispanic girl with big lips made into a magazine cover. We had just purchased that program and when I saw OW face to face, she did have big lips. And when I called him on the other name, he unfriended it, and the picture changed to a generic one, and everything (all info) became hidden on her and his FB pages. He eventually unfriended me because he said he was tired of me snooping on him. 

Ow's son is 22 years old and his FB status read "I can see the separation growing between my Mom and Dad...and myself. I hate being home." I sent him a message telling him I knew the reason for that...that his mom was having an affair with my husband...I also left my name and cell number for him to pass on to his dad. I never heard back.

I know I should have left her son out of it, but it made me so mad to see the pain H and OW have caused everyone. I know he confronter hds mother because she brought it up in court about the protective order. That he was hurt and cried about it all weekend. So maybe that was enough to stop it on her side. I say that with alot of doubt since H is still sneaking on the computer. The PO was only for her, not her son. 

I am wondering if she is still thinking about leaving her husband after seeing her son in so much pain.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Most of the them don't care about the kids feelings. They are like drug addicts. All they care about is the drug. Remember, don't they deserve to be happy. (Selfishness in the extreme!)
If you think your marriage is worth saving, drag your feet. The fog will lift. The affair will end. He will go through withdrawal. Then you have a chance to recover your marriage. It requires a great deal of discipline and intestinal fortitude to wait it out. It is likely that once the affair is fully in the open it will die in less than 6 months. Can you hold out that long if you have to?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

Yes, everything has been about him, his happiness, his freedom, his money, with no regard to how it is affecting me and the kids. Along with that is him placing all the blame on me and what I have done or didn't do in the marriage. I know that it is all just justification for what he is doing, but it it hard to deal with none the less. I don't take it to heart anymore.

He read the letter I wrote him and then came in, sat next to me, and wanted to chat about irrelevant things even though in the letter I told him we should give each other space and only speak when necessary. He hasn't sat next to me in the same room since this all started. He asked for the brochure to an apt place and he packed up another box out of the bedroom. I guess he is now not going to fight me about the house. It seems he will be the one moving out. That takes a great load of pressure off my mind. I know it has bothered him that I have made the choice to turn my attention away from him and back onto me and the kids. He hasn't sat down to dinner since I told him I would no longer cook for him. 

I don't know if I have the patience to wait 6 months or if I can even trust or forgive him after all this. Those are things I am still working on in counseling.


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## iamnottheonlyone (May 9, 2010)

Many counsellors make judgement calls for their clients. They then work treatments and therapy to advance their agenda. The easiest way to be immediately "happy" is to move on. In the long run it could work out. But if you want to remain married, you will have to work on your happiness. Is he dealing with his possible mental health issues? How are the kids doing?


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## 4mockingbird (Jul 27, 2010)

I tried to get him to change his mind about ending the marriage to no avail. So now it is time for me to think about a future without him. I know I have to work on my happiness, which is why I wrote the letter to him. It is my way of putting all my feelings down on paper and then telling him I was moving on by concentrating only on me and the kids. I don't know what I will do if he wants to come back and make it work. I don't know if i have it in me to try again. I don't know if I can forgive and trust him again. I guess only time will tell after I get through all these emotions going on right now. Things are still raw at this point. 

He refused to go to any kind of couseling so far. He doesn't think he has done anything wrong or hurt anyone. In my letter, I more or less laid out what I would expect of him if he wanted to work things out (counseling, full disclosure of passwords, no contact, etc) so he has that.

The kids don't really say much when I talk to them them. They both want this to be over with and I don't blame them. They tend to side with me on this and they talk about all the bad things they have seen about their dad. I have made sure that they have another adult (respected coach) that they can go to and talk about this if they don't feel comfortable talking to me. We have agreed to joint custody 50/50 but the kids are saying they want to stay with me during the week and maybe go with him on the weekends.


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## afghanexwife (May 12, 2011)

OK, this sounds exactly like me except my ex is a Civilian Defence Contractor. Paid the other woman to be with him on top of it and a lot of money. I know what I call it but he called it decompression.

My divorce is final. I fought it big time at first. My ex has a history of abuse and I, unfortunately, for me, got the courage to stand up for myself and kicked him out, hoping he would smarten up. He is now marrying her. I honestly wish him and her the best. I did lose everything including my adult children.

After what I went through, do not contact the other woman through Facebook. As you are going through the divorce, leave Facebook. DO NOT AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, DO NOT CONTACT THE OTHER WOMAN. I did and almost got myself in a heap of trouble.

Good luck. This Afghanistan thing is destroying a lot of lives and causing a lot of heartbreak.


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