# Learning from the limbo...



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

My story is here:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...on/176729-my-journal-making-about-me-now.html

Had anyone else had an amicable divorce that only one person wanted? But one that by the time you got through, you both did?

So now, although I never wanted the divorce, as I hold the papers and read over them, I think I am ready for it. I still love him, but the more he tries to comfort me, the more I feel like pulling away and telling him he doesn't get to do that anymore. I have maintained that if he turned around and said he was wrong and he's all in to start over, that I would. But now, I don't think so. We've told people. And talked about how to split our things and our finances. 

Most of all, I have hurt so very, very much. And he keeps trying to console me and be close to me, and I think that is starting to push me away from him. It makes me a little sad, but at the same time, I feel like it is healthy in a way, too. 

I only wish he would stop looking at me with such care... And stop acting like he's attracted to me. I'm feeling very black and white right now, and the puzzle pieces are not fitting where I think they should. Either he wants to be with me, or he doesn't. And if he doesn't, he needs to stop acting like he is still my H. 

Right...?


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

Right


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

What r the reasons he gave for divorcing?

I don't know your story but it is entirely possible he still cares for you and is attracted to you even though he doesn't think the marriage works.

I still care for my wife and her well-being and always will although I can't imagine the sex thing ... I mean, she doesn't have sex with me now which at this point is the root of my need to leave the marriage.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

He says that at some point over the past 20 years, we stopped being able to give each other what we need to be happy. So long ago that we can't work on pinpointing what those things are or how we can get them back. He's just done. 

Thanks for the perspective-it helps to hear from others who truly care about their stbxs or exes. I feel sometimes like we have such a strange situation... The Nicest Divorce Ever.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Ours is amicable. No muss, no fuss. I still care for her, but not enough to take her back even if she wanted to. We both had a hand in killing the marriage, but i was the only one all in to work it out. Oh well, I am good to go. She didn't do it to me, she did it for herself. She needed to be gone, and because I loved her, I helped her leave. She is still one FUBAR'ed individual, but at least she is not my problem any more.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

Mine was very amicable. 23 years before D was final. I did not want it one bit, but in the end I was the one who filed. I like to say I acquiesced to his wish to not be married to me. I just came to realize he would never turn his heart toward me again. Now we get along better than we have in years. Of course, we're in separate states. Funny thing is, when we skype with the kids, sometimes we are both there. I find that odd.

I'm sorry for your pain, TooNice.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

me2pointoh said:


> Mine was very amicable. 23 years before D was final. I did not want it one bit, but in the end I was the one who filed. I like to say I acquiesced to his wish to not be married to me. I just came to realize he would never turn his heart toward me again. Now we get along better than we have in years. Of course, we're in separate states. Funny thing is, when we skype with the kids, sometimes we are both there. I find that odd.
> 
> I'm sorry for your pain, TooNice.


Thanks. I actually like the way you phrased that-acquiescing to his wish to not be married to me. That's very fitting for me as well!


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

So far, we are still amicable too. I learned from STBX that he had fallen in love with another last October. I was devastated for a couple of weeks, but since this was the second time he's been unfaithful, I quickly decided that I wasn't going to let this define me. We've always been very good friends and parters, just not great spouses on the romance front. I still love him and I mourn the loss of the family unit, but in the end, whatever I do, it's with the kids in mind. 

To that end, since he travels for work, we still live in the same house when he's in town (weekends or every other weekend or so unless he's on vacation with OW). It seems stupid to have to pay for a rent for an apartment when he's hardly here, and the kids absolutely do NOT want to have to go somewhere else to visit him. So we just moved rooms around, and now he has the guest room when he's home. We even still go out with the four of us to dinner sometimes when he's home. But I can do that only because the OW isn't here... not even in the same country in fact, so I don't have to see it, and my kids haven't been introduced to it yet either (they don't want to meet her). I have to laugh, because I think it's actually easier for me to go out with him as a family, than it is for the OW to accept that he still goes out with his family. But hey... not my problem. 

I'm to the point where since he's done this before, and if that's how he wants to be, then I'm glad to be done with the pain and worry of the what-ifs. It's done and I'm free of that mental torment, so I actually feel better. So what's the use in getting bitter and angry about it all? In the end, it will be the kids who pay the most for that. Neither one of us want to fight. We never fought before, and not about to now. Sometimes I wonder if that makes it harder because I do miss the family unit, and I miss being a real family. So we've made our own little alternative family unit which is working for now. But I don't know how much longer that will work since I think OW is putting pressure on him to move on (big surprise.. I predicted this one a few months ago). All I care about at this point is my girls. Whatever is least traumatic for them. I'll do what it takes.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

SawbladeLily said:


> I quickly decided that I wasn't going to let this define me.
> 
> I still love him and I mourn the loss of the family unit, but in the end, whatever I do, it's with the kids in mind.
> 
> ...


Wow, Lily... These are all statements that I can relate to so closely! (And, FWIW, you would be justified if you WERE angry and bitter.) 

Good for you, and thank you for sharing this. This is how we feel as well. I found a great apartment last week, and pending a few details, will be moved out in early Sept. I was very sad for both of us when I realized that my husband will be on a business trip during the time I am likely to move out. When I shared that with him, he said, "well, that IS how most people do it". He acknowledged that it was sad, but probably better for both of us. 

Even though our kids are older, I still want to maintain a good relationship. They will always be our kids, and one day hopefully we will be grandparents together as well. We make a good family, and I want to still have that, even if we can't be a couple.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Grandparents... at graduations, weddings... All that, we will still be their parents. Exactly.

But I should be a little more reserved with my "bigger person" attitude, because I can't guarantee I'll be all that pleasant when new GF is in my face. Right now she's in another country, and I've been pretty clear about "not in MY backyard", and I clarified that my backyard is the entire state.  I've been pretty honest about that with my kids too. I told them they will have to deal with "her" someday, and that they need to be open minded, because they might even like her, but don't expect ME to like her because I don't think I ever would or could. My kids swore they wouldn't either and were planning "Parent Trap" type things to torment her, but I've asked them to please not do that. I even laughed about that with my STBX a little, so he's prepared for it, so he thinks. He hasn't been prepared for anything else our cherubs have done, so I don't believe he really will know what hit him in the future either. Live and learn.

To add to this, my STBX told me our oldest started asking him about new woman, and one of her first questions was "Is she nice? and does she like kids?". He had to chuckle because really, what kind of an answer can you give to that... No, she's a Bioch, but she's my kinda woman? But that should have been his first warning sign that the girls might not be as easy going and as malleable as he envisioned. But then, he hasn't been home a lot either, so how would he know? I've always been the family glue that keeps everyone up to date and involved in the other's lives. Lots of new lifestyle/family changes coming from his personal choices... I can either mess with everyone, or I can just try to make life as easy as possible. Those are my choices.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

TN,

When your heart and your head say it is time to say goodbye, don't look back.

We work so hard and suffer so much to get there, embrace your iminent freedom, you earned it!

Enjoy life, it can be so awesome,
Stretch


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I just saw that your STBXH has an OW. Don't look back on this. Walk away and stay away. You do not have to have contact with him much at all. Your kids are grown and out of the house.

I wonder how long this thing with the OW has been going on? Doesn't matter though. If I were yo uI would try not to dwell on it. Move. Focus on building up a new life. It gets better; much better.


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