# Reignite sexual passion



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rather than make endless comments on the trove of threads asking "how do i make my spouse more horny?", how about we generically post some things that can be done in almost all cases.

here are some links that are a decent start:




https://aryatherapy.com/6-tips-for-bringing-back-the-passion-in-the-bedroom/












What Women Want in Bed to Feel Sexy and Loved


Want to turn your girl on and arouse her like never before? Understand what women want in bed with these tips and you'll be able to do that and more!




www.lovepanky.com


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The problem with the posts here on TAM where someone hasn't had sex for a year vs these articles with titles like, "How to Heat Up the Bedroom" is the people that come here with sex problems is there is often actual chronic dysfunctions or disorders in the foundation of their relationship and/or one or the other has completely lost attraction and esteem for the other. 

Commercial articles espousing date nights and candlelight and massage oils are fine for couples that have fundamentally good relationships and mutual attraction and respect and just need a saturday night out away from the kids and work and bills etc. 

But if someone has underlying resentments and loss of attraction and respect for their partner and has been rejecting and denying them for a year, then trying to light candles and come at them with massage oil is just plain creepy. 

Those couples need MC and therapy and professional assessment and guidance and not just some sexual novelty and a little kink.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

yeah, i get that. but day after day new people are coming here pleading for advice. its kind of like we need a sticky that gives where to start from, without us having to type it all out each week


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Talker67 said:


> yeah, i get that. but day after day new people are coming here pleading for advice. its kind of like we need a sticky that gives where to start from, without us having to type it all out each week


Or we need to point at a link like that and say hey, there are a zillion posts here suggesting what you're going through might not be so simple... you look at this stuff and think been there, done that. So time to get to work and recognize things are more serious than a 30 minute internet education can fix.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My opinion? What @oldshirt is saying...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> But if someone has underlying resentments and loss of attraction and respect for their partner and has been rejecting and denying them for a year, then trying to light candles and come at them with massage oil is just plain creepy.
> 
> Those couples need MC and therapy and professional assessment and guidance and not just some sexual novelty and a little kink.


Fair enough, but sometimes the reason is blindingly obvious. I'm in Athol Kay territory here, but before you get all psychodynamic on it, if your partner doesn't want sex, then you first need to check the obvious
- is someone experiencing pain during sex? (Or ED, or PE?)
- do you smell bad or have dirt under your fingernails, or bad breath?
- have you gained a bunch of weight? Or stopped dressing decently?
- have the two of you just had a baby? 
- or is someone perimenopausal?
- or has someone just had a serious medical problem? 
- or been bereaved? (Eg best friend or sibling got a cancer diagnosis?)
- has the financial situation taken a serious turn for the worse?
etc
That "professional assessment" is often a touch of the blindingly obvious.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

True there are many other detractors (prior abuse, shame) but my partner said recently she just doesn’t think about it. She just has too much other stuff on her mind and it takes a intentional move on her part to load shed enough to get to that headspace. That’s now her responsibility, I’m always available.

It’s also tied to the role your partner sees you in and how sex fits in. The older some people get, the less important they think it is.

First, you’re the object they need to attract and keep around (audition, NRE or adrenaline sex, lots of effort)

Second, you’re someone they want to grow intimacy for bonding with (bonding, sensual, exploratory sex).

Third. You’re the other half of the piece needed for growing the family (procreation/ovulation calendar sex)

Fourth. You’re the person they need around after the previous phase was successful (scheduled, maintenance sex or “we need to spice it up”).

Fifth. You’re the person that scratches that itch when they’re horny or anniversary or special occasion (low intimacy sex, FWB style sex, no build up or aftercare)

Lastly. You’re now primarily a family member as their hormones are zero (no sex/duty sex)

Exception: kids are gone and hormones surge after menopause 

I would close with as these stages process gaslighting gets more common. And we often hear “all you ever think about is sex”. “OMG we just did it.” “Geez there more to marriage than sex.” “Nothing is ever good enough for you”. But I would argue those can be applied right back.

In my case i replace sex with house, vacations and hyper focus on family. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Laurentium said:


> Fair enough, but sometimes the reason is blindingly obvious. I'm in Athol Kay territory here, but before you get all psychodynamic on it, if your partner doesn't want sex, then you first need to check the obvious
> 
> is someone experiencing pain during sex? (Or ED, or PE?)
> do you smell bad or have dirt under your fingernails, or bad breath?
> ...


Counseling can help people identify and communicate those things that are turning them off. 

But the other person still has to step up and correct it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> Rather than make endless comments on the trove of threads asking "how do i make my spouse more horny?", how about we generically post some things that can be done in almost all cases......


First and foremost one partner cannot force their spouse to do anything that the spouse doesn't want to do.

Even counseling, which I highly recommend, takes two to be committed to the process.

Most of the time, it takes two to make or destroy a marriage. That means that the low partner not getting the sex they "need" is likely part of the problem and not a total victim. As a result most success stories include some serious introspection and self-change.


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## g62wolf (Oct 5, 2021)

very simple, show her contract with divorce lawyer.


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