# Who you become after being a BS...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I read something on another site that someone wrote about the repruccusions after infidelity...and they said that they did not like who they became....paranoid, jealous, suspicious, etc. so they left the relationship.

This really hit home with me..I thought that is who I have become..and I hate it. I think that is why I have my doubts about whether or not I should stay married. It bugs me that I have such little trust for someone now that for 20+ years prior I had 110% trust in. All those stupid feelings I have now is what was created by him. 

Sometimes I think it would be interesting to see stats on how many marriages truly survive in the long run after infidelity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, if you mean forever after (until one spouse departs this life), I don't know.

Mine survived 30 years after the initial infidelity but only survived a few years after a reoccurrence of it (with the same OW) so I guess during that middle period of almost three decades I would have definitely said mine survived.

But I'm ending it now and, in reality, I wish that I had ended it 30 years ago (I had a child to consider at the time and that's why I didn't end it then).

You take it a day at a time if you reconcile. And, yes, you do experience all of those emotions for awhile. In some cases, forever. 

Some people find reconciliation to be worth it. And some don't.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I am a completely different person then I was on July 7 2011. The person I have become is more Alpha then I was before and more assertive of boundaries. I also do not tolerate adultery at any level. It used to happen in my family and I would shrug it off to this is what happens. I no longer take that position. I am sure that no matter D or R I would feel the same going forward. My wife’s betrayal will affect me for the rest of my life.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I'm exactly the same way. It was my very first thread here, in fact. I have become paranoid. Checking up on her has become a way of life. I am suspicious of every male co-worker she has to spend her day with. I divert time and energy away from my business, my family, and my own interests, to keep at least one eye on my wife. And I hate myself for being this way.

WS have no idea the damage they cause. None whatsoever. If they did, and still decided to cheat, there is something so fundamentally wrong with their minds, you cannot possibly reconcile. That's why a second-time or serial cheater is not someone you can be with. Ever. They just don't have it in them to empathize.

One of the ways you know your spouse is finally, really remorseful is when they can finally appreciate how much it has affected you and others around you. When their eyes are open to the incredible havoc and pain they created, they are knocked to the floor from it. Mine was crumpled in a ball on the bathroom floor, sobbing until her nose bled.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

That's the exact reason why I don't understand how people can R. (I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's very selfless.) 
But living your life EVERY DAY thinking are they gonna cheat? Why are they taking so long to get home? Etc. 
I mean does the trust ever return idk. It's like having a guard up forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

What you become after being a BS...hum, let me take a crack at it.

Humiliated
Shamed
Emasculated
Embarrassed
Angry
Resentful
Untrusting
Suspicious
Empty
Depressed
Shocked
Disbelieving
Vengeful
Mortified
Devastated

Hah, that feels a little better.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

ubercoolpanda said:


> That's the exact reason why I don't understand how people can R. (I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it's very selfless.)
> But living your life EVERY DAY thinking are they gonna cheat? Why are they taking so long to get home? Etc.
> I mean does the trust ever return idk. It's like having a guard up forever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: I've even been on blood pressure pills since. And you nailed it. You spend your day wondering when the next time will be? What more didn't they tell you? Why has she been so quiet today? Why is she an hour late tonight? Who else does she think is sexy at work? Who else does she flirt with? Why did she wear that outfit?

Since my wife's maybe/almost A last summer, I've found 3 other guys from her work that have asked her out for dinner or drinks. I'm the world's greatest c*ck-block now, but I keep telling her there is something she is doing that gives these men the green light to try. They all know she's married. 

It's a kind of hell.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife said: "Whatever happened to the happy Matt I first met?"

I didn't reply...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I am a different person and for the vast majority better.

I have learned to both channel my anger and relax and not let the little stuff bug me. I came to understand my passive aggressive tendencies and their affects on my wife and kids. I have become much more empathetic to my wife's needs and the needs of others. I have become more emotional in nature and more likely to tear up in times of emotional stress. (Death, illness...) A much more healthy alternative to the rock facade I kept in front of me for so many years. I do trust my wife but keep my radar up at all times. I express my boundaries with her as will as my needs and expectations. I came to understand my wife's feelings that I was controlling in nature and now strive to lead, not demand. All of the above had an influence in my wife pulling closer to me over the years since D-day. And I hope I am a better person for it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Aug 5, 2009...

Trust no-one.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> My wife said: "Whatever happened to the happy Matt I first met?"
> 
> I didn't reply...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You held your tongue. Good for you. I would have said, "You killed him while he slept."


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> My wife said: "Whatever happened to the happy Matt I first met?"
> 
> I didn't reply...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was not as nice as you were by not responding

"He died the minute you f#$%ed another man"


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I once described myself as being on high alert...... but at the same time, everything is relative and I think I have been far too easygoing / relaxed / forgiving and so on. 

So I think overall, I am a better person. I have learned to feel comfortable asking for what I think I deserve than thinking, if he really loved me he would do whatever without my asking.......


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

All of these messages make me feel so sad! How did this even happen to my life? Why do spouses cheat and just think you can go back and rebuild? Lord knows (with his incredible effort & help) I am trying, and I am fighting to stay with the man I love, but I read these posts and I realize I am still in so much pain. 

I feel as if a part of me has died and I am so depressed over it. I want my old life back, the one where there was no lack of trust, no insecurity, no humiliation, no despair. Why does one really crappy and poor choice he made have to affect me so deeply? Why wasn't I enough? Dangit...it's so hard to recover after infidelity and it just s*cks! Today, is not a good day!


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

InLandTXMM,

I would have to agree that it feels very strange that your wife continues to have male coworkers asking her out for drinks etc, even after they know she is married. I would comment on a few things here:

1. She needs to find a new place to work. Clearly the environement is not one that is supportive of your marriage. The fact that they knowingly try to pick up a married coworkwer is not ok. If I were in your shoes, new job would be a requirement of moving forward.

2. The fact that this is continuing to happen, and more than once, tells me you should be concerned about her behavior with coworkers. If multiple male coworkers feel brash enough to try and pick up a married coworker, I am pretty confident she isn't doing a good job of clearly defining and defending boundaries. It could be that they have heard about her previous escapades, and therefore think she is open to it. But if she made it clear the first time someone else had made the advance, it would have been a one time thing.

3. You mentioned the "maybe/almost" affair last summer. So what's up here? Do you not know what happened last year? If she is still keeping you in the dark, then you have allowed her to rug sweep big time. And this would also explain some of the behavior/issues I mentioned above. It seems you are tolerating continued deception and inappropriate behavior. If you are, you will NEVER manage to rebuild trust in your marriage nor will you be able to rebuild yourself into the person you want to be. You are in limbo. 

My advice is to start the 180, immediately.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> My wife said: "Whatever happened to the happy Matt I first met?"
> 
> I didn't reply...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is similar to my H saying "I miss your smile......" huh. Yeah. Its been more than a year since dday but not quite a year since NC(he worked with her until May 2012) so yeah, the smile's taking a while to come back since I've been busy patching up the holes in my soul and all........


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I used to believe in the 'till death do us part" concept of marriage, and that we had been so lucky to survive major traumas and stesses. But that was when I believed in his lies. Now I do not believe I will ever trust another person face-to-face again, and for that I may never forgive my STBXH. Not a good day.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> InLandTXMM,
> 
> I would have to agree that it feels very strange that your wife continues to have male coworkers asking her out for drinks etc, even after they know she is married. I would comment on a few things here:
> 
> ...


Hey Never, I won't thread-jack here but will answer quickly:

1) We have discussed boundaries. She is kind of naive about men's motives and is very much the female-version of a Nice Guy. She tries way too hard to win people's approval. That is toxic in an environment where men see an easy target. She's working on that.

2) I have told her that, especially because she is generally beautiful (not just in my eyes), she WILL likely be approached by men. She should expect this, but her job is to firmly and decisively SHUT IT DOWN. She does not have to tolerate a man coming on to her for any reason, especially at work. Again, she's working on that.

3) I have to believe her because her situation was at a month-long work training in another city. I saw every text, she deleted nothing. When confronted she immediately admitted, though the tried to minimize the contacts at first, and her interest in the guy. Her remorse was genuine - she fell apart - even had some health issues related to stress over it. She's done all of the leg work to R. She has been everything I can ask of her and more, and after 20 years, she had been totally trustworthy up to that point. Little things have always bothered her conscience, so I believe she could never keep a secret like that.

The bottom line is, I need to trust her because I can't know with absolute certainty she's telling me the truth. So I choose to make a leap of faith. It's kind of a "trust but verify" thing now.

Believe me, there was no rugsweeping. I dissected the thing over and over, grilled her intensely, checked her stories, called some of the coworkers. I watch her email and phone, watch the call and text logs, and she knows she cannot delete anything without my okay.

I hope that level of distrust subsides, because I hate being like this and never was before.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I'm different in that I am no longer paranoid. I am watchful of my beautiful gf but I trust her-- she is like me. If I had stayed with my ex I probably would have been looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I'm confident now and women can smell it. I am indeed different. I'm better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

WhiteMousse said:


> I'm different in that I am no longer paranoid. I am watchful of my beautiful gf but I trust her-- she is like me. If I had stayed with my ex I probably would have been looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I'm confident now and women can smell it. I am indeed different. I'm better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Great for you, man! I wish you the best.

Share with us what you did to move on? Regaining my confidence and sense of dignity has been the hardest part.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I find too that people tend to think who know about the situation that well it has been a year or so since he did anything..so you should be "over it". I don't think unless you experience it you realize the long term psychological implications of being betrayed. 

This was not some guy I was just dating..I had been with him for just about 25 years this year..married for 18 years this May. He was truly someone I thought was not capable of doing this to me...what is the worst is the time between dd#1 and dd#2 (6 months)...he continued contact with her simply because he liked the ego boost he gave her...so he was willing to **** me up because he needed an ego boost. In his mind because she lived in a foreign country and they were not seeing each other in person..he thought what harm is this? Now he knows the harm he caused to me...


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

It sounds so stupid, but the littlest things can trigger you, too.

I had to have her change the ring tone on her phone because whenever I heard a text message show up, I would tense up. For months.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

brokenhearted118 said:


> I feel as if a part of me has died and I am so depressed over it.


Yep... That’s how I feel. The “romantic idealist” in me was murdered. That fantasy of the perfect marriage, true love, forever, etc. has been shattered. Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy became your parents and the illusion was destroyed. You had to grow up.

You still see Santa, it still stirs some deeper emotion in you when he smiles or winks, but then your damn thoughts kick in and you know without a doubt he’s just a really good actor. You can enjoy the holiday season and what it represents, but that’s just it; Now you see it as the intention, fun, good feelings, etc. But xmas morning is not the same anymore. You see it in the kids, that belief, you remember how it was fondly when you were like that... but it isn’t like that for you anymore. It is sad; Not bad, not really depressing, but just not quite as magical as you know it once was..


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

After the shock trauma, anger and depression subsided- you know because these types of things only happen to other people and not me- I made significant changes in my life.

- I'm single again- my doing and perhaps the best decision I made through it all.
- I'm happy again 
-I spend some time focusing on me- not all of it, but some (hiking and a few other hobbies I enjoy)
-My outlook on my life is positive

While the process of discovery and divorce sucked- I truly tried to use the chance to rebuild my life. 

My decision to end the marriage is certainly not for all. I probably would have attempted R if she had demonstrated the least bit of remorse at all. From my perspective, her lies and blame-shifting and nasty attitude and marital history re-writing after discovery made the decision for me.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> It sounds so stupid, but the littlest things can trigger you, too.
> 
> I had to have her change the ring tone on her phone because whenever I heard a text message show up, I would tense up. For months.


Ditto- only his email ding. He had it set to 'ding' when *she* emailed "for work" and after EA ended I heard that 'ding' and felt instantly like I was gonna throw up. It must have been all over my face bc he said "what, what, are you ok?" and I said "that sound, oh no that damned ....sound" he changed it immediately w/o hesitation and apologized. I hate the seemingly 'little things' like that. THe ones that put your heart in your throat. I wonder when that stops???


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What I learned over the years I struggled with this is that you *never *get your old life back. It's gone. You get a new one and you might like it or you might not. 

In my case, I've decided I don't like this life I've been living so I'm going to try a new one.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm happier, more vibrant and living life more than ever now that I left my stbxww. When I was attempting to R, I was paranoid, angry, struggling within, resentful and 100% preoccupied with it/her.

Can't wait to be divorced.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

This sounds stupid but sometimes when H is working out of town he will generally call in the evening after work...lots of times I see his number and do not pick up then he calls again and I still do not pick up..after about an hour or so I will call him back..and he is like where were you? I don't know how to explain it but sometimes I just want him to wonder where I am, why am I not picking up the phone, etc. Sounds pretty immature but I just want him to not take me for granted that I am always going to pick up the phone when he calls...that my wife is always at home in the evening.

Part of this for me is when he was in Singapore working for 10 weeks...he would make his obligatory call back home then go and take his OW out to a movie or they would go for dinner. Still irks me that here I was at home for all that time doing nothing exciting except working, looking after the house, same old day to day routine, etc. and here he was in an exotic foreign place out and about...with another woman.

So for me this is what his cheating has done..it has always made me in a way almost feel like why should I be the good faithful wife...why should he not be wondering where I am and what I am doing...I never thought of doing that prior.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Great real-life example of the hell the BS gets to live with.

One of the guys who hit on my wife and pushed her for a dinner out (as a "thank you" for her help on a project), is back in town for the day. My wife is in another adjacent town conducting what was supposed to be a half-day training session, and this d-bag wasn't going to be anywhere near her.

And I literally just got a text from her that they scheduled a second class for the afternoon, so now she won't be home until late. With this guy not more than 45 minutes from her. So I get the "Oops! I'm working late," while KNOWING one of the guys pursuing her is within striking distance.

Now I trust her in this situation, and I can verify where she is, but this is the special hell the BS gets to spend his or her day in.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> Great real-life example of the hell the BS gets to live with.
> 
> One of the guys who hit on my wife and pushed her for a dinner out (as a "thank you" for her help on a project), is back in town for the day. My wife is in another adjacent town conducting what was supposed to be a half-day training session, and this d-bag wasn't going to be anywhere near her.
> 
> ...


Who do I become under those circumstances? Nervous. And sad that I am nervous...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> This is similar to my H saying "I miss your smile......" huh. Yeah. Its been more than a year since dday but not quite a year since NC(he worked with her until May 2012) so yeah, the smile's taking a while to come back since I've been busy patching up the holes in my soul and all........


Here. I have a spare one for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I refuse.. I refuse to let her crush me and my happiness. She has torn me up so much, I just can't let her take any more from me.

I'm still not done, but I have learned from *MY* mistakes in this marriage. I will not carry them over to my next relationship.

I walked away financially much better then I did emotionally. I will make sure I protect that the next time around. 

Let my Ex ride this crazy train to the end, I'm getting off. 

I will find someone who loves me, I will love them. We will move on with our lives and never look back. 

If anything I have vengeance in my heart for my Ex. My plans are simply to show my kids that a life with me will be better then with her. I already have one son, it is only time that my other son will grow up and understand what his mother did. Then I will have both. I say 4 or 5 years before it all happens. Then she will have to explain how she lost her kids.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Here. I have a spare one for you!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks!! Im getting my own back lately. Its been a long road. C'mon summer!!!!!


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I agree that, ultimately, to live well may be the best revenge.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's still pretty fresh for me (less than 2 months since D-Day) so I think paranoia is pretty "normal" for me at this stage. But I don't like the feeling.

WS didn't like when I told him I checked his cell phone log. I told him I SHOULD have looked at his phone before I knew about the affair, when the cell phone bills started getting so high (we don't have an unlimited texting plan, and it's because of his texting with the OW that our bills went up by about $100 each month for a couple months - stupid me, I thought he was "helping" her with a "problem!").

On the other hand, the sex-talk texts might have burned my eyes and been seared into my brain, and I might have seen things that would have scarred me for life.

I don't like that I'll never be able to trust my husband again the way I did. I may learn to trust him a lot, but never that fully and completely again. 

I used to see him as a protector figure, a brave, strong man who'd protect me from harm. Now that he's wounded me more deeply than I've ever been wounded before, I see him as someone who's capable of sneaking around in a cowardly way and who isn't going to be someone who can be counted on to protect me - at least, not anytime soon. I have to protect myself now as I recover from the wounds HE'S inflicted. 

I wonder about "we." I don't know how capable he is of buying into it. He talks about it, but after what he did, I'm having a hard time believing he "gets" it. He spends so much money and time on HIS hobbies - and actions speak louder than words. He did ask about going for a walk together the other night - but it was getting dark and it was just below freezing, and usually he remembers that after breaking a bone from a fall on ice after dark a few years ago, I'm not keen on walking in those conditions. But it WAS a suggestion of a "together activity," so I should give him some credit.

I'm hypervigilant, and some triggers even get my heart rate up. I'm not sleeping well some nights. And I too don't smile nearly as much as I used to.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> It's still pretty fresh for me (less than 2 months since D-Day) so I think paranoia is pretty "normal" for me at this stage. But I don't like the feeling.
> 
> WS didn't like when I told him I checked his cell phone log. I told him I SHOULD have looked at his phone before I knew about the affair, when the cell phone bills started getting so high (we don't have an unlimited texting plan, and it's because of his texting with the OW that our bills went up by about $100 each month for a couple months - stupid me, I thought he was "helping" her with a "problem!").
> 
> ...


I can relate to your post. For me if I had checked the cell phone logs 3 -1/2 years ago I would have seen this number come up over and over again..as well these long conversations..phone calls lasting for hours. Plus the times of day..late at night, etc. But back then I had no reason to check his cell phone logs it was only last year when I found out about his first EA that I phoned the cell company and retrieved all the air time detail going back to that time.

Part of it is around that time as we all are you are going around thinking everything is fine little knowing that the WS has a whole other thing going on with somebody else.

But I guess that is par for the course..most of us had no reason to suspect so you did not check. Now for me it is the opposite everything gets scrutinized..it is exahusting mentally.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I should add too...the amount of texts..one month there was over 200 texts. I am thinking what did these two have to say to each other...tons of phone calls plus tons of texts. Of course H says she was in an unhappy abusive marriage and would just ***** to him about her spouse...yeah right. Tell her to go to a counselor then.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I lost myself.
I stood in disbelief.
Shock.
Anger. 
Hell set in.

All this in May 2009.

It took several months to find TAM.

I spent sleepless nights. Lost weight, could not apply myself to my work.

Vets in MayTAM gave good advice. I "let them go", and found her now completely engulfed by my personality.

I live in a different country and this transformation worked.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You're never the same that's for sure,relatives look at you differently,sometimes they get quiet when you walk up.
Friends also.
Even if your in R you feel like a shell of your formerself,my motivation is gone,I'm not sure if love is real or something made up.
Nothing is ever the same again.
Better? I don't see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

This thread makes me very sad! It just shows how bad cheating can affect us.. Literally for our whole life. 

If there's anyone who's out there that plans on cheating, I hope they read this thread and then think again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I'm really sorry to see all the continued suffering in these posts. I'm probably a lot farther down this road than many of you, and my position is different. I believe that I'm a better person, not because of the betrayal, but because the betrayal made me take a hard look at myself and everything I believed. Over time, with a lot of work, I came to trust myself. That allows me to trust someone else, because I know that I will be ok whatever arises. In my life, I have chosen happiness, something I could not seem to grasp before my previous reality was destroyed. While there are still things that trigger my insecurity, those feelings do not stay with me, and really have no serious impact. I offer this as hope for those of you whose trauma is recent, and the wounds still fresh. The rest of your life is a choice that only you can make. Choose a good life, whatever that means to you.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

calvin said:


> You're never the same that's for sure,relatives look at you differently,sometimes they get quiet when you walk up.
> Friends also.
> Even if your in R you feel like a shell of your formerself,my motivation is gone,I'm not sure if love is real or something made up.
> *Nothing is ever the same again.
> Better? I don't see it.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


At least not so far, eh? I do occassionally hear that "we can have a better marriage" but I always think immediately- "we could have had that w/o him finding a damned girlfriend and tearing our world apart" But then I have the alternate thought- "he really needed to have a BIG ole fall in order to wake up. He was way too high on his horse and nothing short of pure disaster was gonna wake him up" So I vacillate.......Which is a step I suppose bc I could NEVER have seen it that way a year ago. I actually believe that he needed this punch to the gut, unfortunately it was a bullet to the heart for me..


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Married:* *May 8, 2004*

*Abandoned/Separated:* *May 21, 2011*

*STBXW Filed For Divorce:* *November 9, 2011*

*STBXW FB Initial Contact with OM:* *January 3, 2010*

*STBXW Cell Intitial Contact with OM:* *February 11, 2010*

*STBXW First Out-of-Town Trip to Visit OM:* *February 11, 2011*

*My Actual Discovery of STBXW's Infidelity:* *May, 2012*

*First Scheduled Court Hearing:* *Still Pending as of March 20, 2013*

*Final Decree of Divorce : * *Still Pending as of March 20, 2013*

*So What Have I Become?:* 

*Basically, Skeptical As Hell And Just So Damn Fearful And Untrusting of Her!*

*I would greatly think that I am totally justfied in saying, that in spite of her rampant and wanton deception, that my STBXW is even more crazier and delusional than a peach orchard sow!*


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

highwood - you want to know how stupid *I* feel about the text count? From an occasional 40 to 75 texts over the 200 text limit (his phone only) to 1,030 over one month then 780 over the next (I had said something to WS about her "problem" and how texting about it was getting out of hand, so he obviously tried to cut back a little bit). All those extra texts were NOT to me!!


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know it does make you feel stupid that you do not catch those things...my fantasy would have been to catch on and then wait and monitor and catch him in the act...place a VAR in his truck or sneak home early from work and catch him on the phone. Then confront him..

His first EA I googled her when I find out last year about it..and it turns out she was in trouble with the govt. She and her H ran some kind of business that brought immigrants here from Asia to work and she was collecting money from them which is illegal....what a scuzzy chick. I showed him this and it is like wow you know how to pick them don't you....

I think he was embarrassed about it...well yeah you should be idiot!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Pathetic,when my gut told me something was up I checked her phone a lot,she deleted everything but the history on her phone.
I knew something was up when she kept checking the love horoscopes,it wasn't my birthdate she was looking up.
I didn't order call records or anything,I just kept asking her and she kept telling me all was fine,that we were going to be good.
I was such an idiot,I could have done the VAR and other things,I refused to believe it.
A year into R and I'm still not sure even if she is extremely remorseful.
This crap really takes a toll on the BS.
I'm having a bad day,had a good week but not today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

calvin said:


> Pathetic,when my gut told me something was up I checked her phone a lot,she deleted everything but the history on her phone.
> I knew something was up when she kept checking the love horoscopes,it wasn't my birthdate she was looking up.
> I didn't order call records or anything,I just kept asking her and she kept telling me all was fine,that we were going to be good.
> I was such an idiot,I could have done the VAR and other things,I refused to believe it.
> ...


I totally understand. And hope very much that tomorrow will be better for you.

That's the unfortunate thing about R. The rollercoaster goes on for a very long time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> highwood - you want to know how stupid *I* feel about the text count? From an occasional 40 to 75 texts over the 200 text limit (his phone only) to 1,030 over one month then 780 over the next (I had said something to WS about her "problem" and how texting about it was getting out of hand, so he obviously tried to cut back a little bit). All those extra texts were NOT to me!!


*Hopeful*: Hate to put you to shame, but my STBXW snags the gold medal for *wayward texting!*

In December 2009, she had 384. In 2010, she had an absolute low of 225 in April, to a high of 913 in November. *Total of her texts for 2010 **~ 4,492!* *And I'm still living in the house with her, totally oblivious to any of her covert escapades!*

*In 2011, the year of my separation, she netted a grand total of 7,186 texts, 1,092 of them alone for May, the very same month that I was put out of the house by her under the pretenses of a "trial separation."*

*Over the two year period from December, 2009 through November, 2011: 12,062 texts! And that's only the ones that I actually do have the records to accurately document ~ God only knows how many of them that I can't begin to account for!*

*Now ain't that rich? And you know what? I haven't even started yet on any of her cell phone calling records!

Yeah! I reckon that you could justly say that I'm a little bit jaded!*


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I acted so quickly it did not really hit me until months later when my Mom said "I thought you two would have another child". This hit me like a ton of bricks all of a sudden. I realized not just my hopes but those of my son and my parents have altered. How far away I was from where I thought I would be.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Sorry, arbitrator - it hurts, doesn't it? They just go berserk with that flirting/sex text stuff. To heck with the bills....

This preposterous text count thing reminds me that one of the other things I've felt a lot lately that isn't pleasant is very STUPID.


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

I've become detached


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

INLAND: what he said!


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

InlandTXMM said:


> Great for you, man! I wish you the best.
> 
> Share with us what you did to move on? Regaining my confidence and sense of dignity has been the hardest part.


It was tough for me to try to reconcile all the good times I had with my ex, and the reality of what she had done. I don't know if you're aware of my story, but my ex's glob of selfish decisions adds up to the most cowardly sequence of events in the history of man.

I had to realize that all those good times meant something different to her than they did to me. Almost the entirety of women in the current era are opportunists. Everything is an ordeal of acquisition for them, and if they are allowed to do whatever they want, they burn those closest to them and, eventually, themselves. When I realized that the good times weren't good times for her but simply occasions of consumption, it became much easier to move on because there was resolution of dissonance. This isn't something I tell myself to make peace- it's the way the world works, and as horrifying or misogynistic as many will undoubtedly deem it, it's truth. 

The other thing I had to do? 

*Listen to Lord Mayhem.*

There is no one with more insight into this dynamic than him. He is wise, objective and honest. This is me two years ago:



WhiteMousse said:


> So what the hell do I do? I blew eleven years on that girl. I'm 30, I haven't been on a first date in over a decade. What am I supposed to do with the memories? The presents we used to buy for each other? What am I supposed to do every time one of her hairs gets caught between my toes? I haven't even been able to throw her bathroom towel into the laundry for Christ's sake.
> 
> She just gets to walk away, start a new life, and forget everything. I'm the one left with ghosts and broken promises.


And he gave me the advice I needed. Helped me more than anything else anyone has said here, and people have said a lot of helpful things:



LordMayhem said:


> What do you do? You pick yourself up off the ground and dust yourself off. That's what you do. You will recover. You will be better. It hurts. All of us in the forum have been through this and survived. You will too.
> 
> And you learn from this mistake. Putting your wife up on a pedestal and treating her like a spoiled princess doesn't work. All that does is make her lose respect for you. You are not alpha to her. Marriage is give and take, its not you just giving, giving, giving. Its a hard lesson and dearly paid for. FWIW, I did the same thing as you in my first marriage.
> 
> You're a pastor, so you know it will be the Lord to judge her.


In short, stiff upper lip. Get up. GO. Leave her where she belongs. People scoff and call it simplistic. But it is simple, if not easy.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

calvin said:


> *You're never the same that's for sure... Nothing is ever the same again.*


This is a common thread that re-appears from month to month here. 

It damn well should, because this is final outcome for us *the BS*. I have posted before and talked with my fWW that I am just not the same person.

*Changed.*

The all ask HOW? Hard to describe in words, it more like a feeling that something precious has been stolen from you and you know without doubt that it can never be replaced or made right... forever.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> This is a common thread that re-appears from month to month here.
> 
> It damn well should, because this is final outcome for us *the BS*. I have posted before and talked with my fWW that I am just not the same person.
> 
> ...


For people who divorce and move on, it's a shedding of a chrysalis. It's like the pulling of a tooth. It hurts, and hurts and hurts and then there's no pain.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's a long, hard road we find ourselves on. Whether you reconcile or get out. No one is the same. How could we be. Something we valued greatly was shredded in front of us.

However, although we may be beaten down for awhile, we are *not *broken. 

There is life on the other side. Make it count.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

RWB said:


> Aug 5, 2009...
> 
> Trust no-one.


:iagree:


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I've become a bitter, paranoid, demanding bytch. At least that's how I see myself. The shytty thing is... I've been cheated on in all my previous relationships and I didn't find out until after the break up. Each time it was all thrown in my face. Before I ignorantly thought nothing of any of them wanting to talk to my sisters, friends, or acquaintance that i had assumed became a friend. 

Now... I don't think I can ever be in a relationship where I can trust 100% again. I've tried hard to just get over it but after having my self esteem and world blown to bits like that ... I just can't. I'm still trying though. The sad thing is... I've gotten jealous over women that were overweight with visible mustaches and zits. 

If they talked to my spouse I immediately got snappy, defensive, and just eyed them suspiciously. I wish I could forget about it as easily as others I've met seem to.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

To be honest... I don't think I'm a better person. More cautious and less ignorant yes.. but I think it made me worse.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Gaia said:


> *I've become a bitter, paranoid, demanding bytch. *At least that's how I see myself. The shytty thing is... I've been cheated on in all my previous relationships and I didn't find out until after the break up. Each time it was all thrown in my face. Before I ignorantly thought nothing of any of them wanting to talk to my sisters, friends, or acquaintance that i had assumed became a friend.
> 
> Now... I don't think I can ever be in a relationship where I can trust 100% again. I've tried hard to just get over it but after having my self esteem and world blown to bits like that ... I just can't. I'm still trying though. The sad thing is... I've gotten jealous over women that were overweight with visible mustaches and zits.
> 
> If they talked to my spouse I immediately got snappy, defensive, and just eyed them suspiciously. I wish I could forget about it as easily as others I've met seem to.


You may be alright. Maybe you're more demanding than you used to be but currently about as demanding as you should be.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> :iagree: I've even been on blood pressure pills since. And you nailed it. You spend your day wondering when the next time will be? What more didn't they tell you? Why has she been so quiet today? Why is she an hour late tonight? Who else does she think is sexy at work? Who else does she flirt with? Why did she wear that outfit?
> 
> Since my wife's maybe/almost A last summer, I've found 3 other guys from her work that have asked her out for dinner or drinks. I'm the world's greatest c*ck-block now, but I keep telling her there is something she is doing that gives these men the green light to try. They all know she's married.
> 
> It's a kind of hell.


She might just be that attractive where if you put a burlap sack over her she'd still be fine!

Or she is putting out a vibe, like an available and sexual single woman would. She's open and receptive to the male world around her. 

I think a truly married woman, would communicate it very clearly and she wouldn't keep having to say it, because you would see in her mannerisms and communication that she respects her relationship.


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## Link182 (May 25, 2012)

So posted a similar sentiment earlier, but I don't feel like flowery language this morning, so I will endeavor to be plain. I used to place my wife on a pedestal, I never paid any attention to the warning signs, because we were marrie3d and that stuff happened in other people's marriage's not our fairy tale.

I used to be a death to us part married guy, and perhaps that more than any other factor is why we are still married now and in R, because of my stupid sensibilities telling me never to quit. But I check now, often. I have and do go into her accounts and I look. I ask her where she is going, for how long, and what her motivation behind certain choices are instead of blinding trusting that she has our interests at heart.

But to be blunt, now my marriage or whats left of it is just like every other shattered hope or dream out there. No rosey images, no unicorns, just reality that I live in a world where trust is now never given freely.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Link182 said:


> So posted a similar sentiment earlier, but I don't feel like flowery language this morning, so I will endeavor to be plain. I used to place my wife on a pedestal, I never paid any attention to the warning signs, because we were marrie3d and that stuff happened in other people's marriage's not our fairy tale.
> 
> I used to be a death to us part married guy, and perhaps that more than any other factor is why we are still married now and in R, because of my stupid sensibilities telling me never to quit. But I check now, often. I have and do go into her accounts and I look. I ask her where she is going, for how long, *and what her motivation behind certain choices are *instead of blinding trusting that she has our interests at heart.
> 
> But to be blunt, now my marriage or whats left of it is just like every other shattered hope or dream out there. No rosey images, no unicorns, just reality that I live in a world where trust is now never given freely.


Yeah, I agree with you. I realise over a lifetime, just when I thought I was being easygoing, other people thought I was just easy.

In the past couple of weeks, it hit me that when my fiance on our 4th date told me (and I honestly can't remember what might have provoked this) that when we first met, I was all over him, he couldn't get me off. 

First of all that's not the way I remembered it. I remember emerging from the bathroom in the pub and seeing my friend in conversation with him. then she introdoced me to hi,m. She later told me that meetup organiser introduced the two of him.

so as far as I am concerned, it's not clear whether the meetup organiser decided to connect all the Americans in the room as a matter of ocurse, or if perhaps he saw me across the pub and decided to make his move through the meetup organiser and my wingwoman.

But what's interesting is the timing of this remark. the 4th date, we went to a picnic of an organisation that I am a member of and after a few hours we left and went to a pub on our own. I now know that he was texting her during the day. One of the texts asks: Are you still at the picnic. 

In other words, was he ccooking up this story that I chased him to justify his still cahsing his ex - gf?

Another example, was after he fell into a habit of my spending Friday nights to Sunday mornings together, I started to clean up the kitchen at his place. Obvious stuff, putting trash in the trachs can, dirty dishes in the dishwasher........

He actually had nerve to call me and say "You didn't finish cleaning up." 

I told him, "it's in a better state than if I had done nothing." At the same time wondering, well how much cleaning would she have done for you if you were still dating her.

Which is an interesting irony since I have noticed in various places, women who swear that they will never date a man who can't clean up after himself.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Hopnestly I am doing great. I have my life back on track and I am out of my slump. I got laid off, and had some other failures in my life. I was recovering from my ego being thrown on the ground and stomped. After discovering the EA I have "woken up" the MC is totally kicking my wife's butt and she is ending the free ride for the kids. My middle stepson has been doing much better in school now that he stays home more often. I am starting to realize how selfish my wife is. She has the appearance of being selfless but she is totally a NICE WOMAN. I think I am going to give her a copy of the no more mr nice guy. See if she relates.


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## messeduplady (May 31, 2012)

This thread is so interesting. None of us BS in R appear to feel "good" (well, settled, relaxed, happy, yada yada). I can go a few days feeling ok but then something so very minor can just tip me over a cliff - the fall is huge, the damage great, and I feel lost again.

Also, I am not unattractive, I know that, but yet I feel so insecure and ugly at times. Hate that too.

I want those feelings to stop. Sad thing is, despite all my husband does and says, I'm not sure that they ever will. I am a "lucky" one too - my WS will do anything, total remorse, transparency, discusses anything etc etc. Maybe the damage is done regardless?

I hope not.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I assume the effects fade over time. That's what I've read, anyway. I have to hope that's true.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

In a way it is too late,you threw our life into a deathspiral,put me through hell just to see if the grass was greener,you killes my spirit and stopmed on my heart.
Turns out it was weeds,not grass but hey,its all good now because you're back and he wasn't what you thought at all,in fact he really was a wolf in sheeps clothing.
It's all good now,I can pick myself up,dust myself off and go on like nothing ever happened because your 
trade in was actually a trade down.
I feel much better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

hopefulgirl said:


> I assume the effects fade over time. That's what I've read, anyway. I have to hope that's true.


Yes, the fade. You have to help yourself tough. Discipline, shaking off negative self talk, not letting yourself off the hook...
The goal is to reach a "healthy" level of distrust.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Whitemouse, you said it man.

Mori and lord mayhem advised me to let go. Even after that for about 4 months I was begging, pleading.

Oneday it dawned on me. I said so be it. And focussed on myself.

I was late in picking up my lessons.

Now, I am no longer a trusting man. My innocence is gone.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> Whitemouse, you said it man.
> 
> Mori and lord mayhem advised me to let go. Even after that for about 4 months I was begging, pleading.
> 
> ...


When do you trust then? And then do you trust and always watch over your shoulder?


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

I've stopped fully trusting anybody ever, I've started learning pickup(the whole swallowing the red-pill deal) and I've embraced my inner masculine power.

So, all in all, life is pretty good.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Bride of Frank said:


> I think I have changed in very much the same way as you, Amp. But when _I_ think, "I hate what I've become" I am thinking that I was _proud_ of being the rock facade, and I'm ashamed of being more emotional now. Viewed dispassionately I see that you are right, Amp; but I really still need some kind of internal 'pep talk' to tell me that the new me is a good thing. Can you offer any suggestions to getting there?


The problem with the "facade" is that not only was I not letting things through that might hurt me but also things that I needed to hear to empathize with those around me. The lack of empathy only served to widen the gap between us until we reached roommate stage. IMO empathy is emotion and it is used to really feel for someone else's difficulties. That's the positive part. But if we sing too far to the other side and are so emotional we can't deal with pressure or crisis then it's gone too far.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

AngryandUsed said:


> Mori and lord mayhem advised me to let go. Even after that for about 4 months I was begging, pleading.
> 
> One-day it dawned on me. I said so be it. And focused on myself.
> 
> ...


After decades of marriage, she was the only person I really confided in. I never really trusted other people, (seen far to many fakes and never let my guard down). My wife of 30 years was the only one that I ever let in. Yeah, after 25 years married, she changed, started treating more like a friend, room-mate and such. But I never dreamed she would betray me, lie straight to my face, steal from me, and finally carry on with multiple affairs. 

She was no better than the fakes, took advantage of my trust, betrayed me in the worst way...

TRUST-NO-ONE!


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

I'm not liking it one bit (dday one year ago)

I can feel I have so little respect for anybody connected to infidelity

That includes even anyone who in any positive way supports my stbxw. Mutual friends etc I find I feel almost as bad about them as her about how it's "all so difficult for her" !! "so she needs our help" yer after serial adulteries going back 7/8 years for three quarters of our marriage. Poor her 

As far as trusting another woman again that is something I am going to have a big big problem with.

My heart feels it's made of concrete.

And I'm finding I don't sometimes like myself or the strength of feeling about certain things 

I have my kids 4 days a week so that gives me huge focus but in terms of thinking about another relationship - jesus christ ! 

People say its early days but although I want to be myself again it feels like it will be an impossible job to get back there.

Fingers crossed


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

messeduplady said:


> This thread is so interesting. None of us BS in R appear to feel "good" (well, settled, relaxed, happy, yada yada). I can go a few days feeling ok but then something so very minor can just tip me over a cliff - the fall is huge, the damage great, and I feel lost again.
> 
> Also, I am not unattractive, I know that, but yet I feel so insecure and ugly at times. Hate that too.
> 
> ...



I felt the same thing. I felt hopelessly unattractive. Still struggle with my confidence after having it stolen from me.

Lesson learned: NEVER look to anyone else to give you even a small part of your sense of self-worth.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> I felt the same thing. I felt hopelessly unattractive. Still struggle with my confidence after having it stolen from me.
> 
> Lesson learned: NEVER look to anyone else to give you even a small part of your sense of self-worth.


You describe the feeling perfectly. Feelsl like it was "stolen". I guess once you put it together properly, you won't have to worry about anyone else stripping it out of you like this again. But the reality, is you can make your self worth as high as you can it will still be higher if injected with some outside help.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> You describe the feeling perfectly. Feelsl like it was "stolen". I guess once you put it together properly, you won't have to worry about anyone else stripping it out of you like this again. But the reality, is you can make your self worth as high as you can it will still be higher if injected with some outside help.


One of those cold assertions early in our R was when I told my wife I love her and I want her, but I will never again allow myself to ever NEED her.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

InlandTXMM said:


> One of those cold assertions early in our R was when I told my wife I love her and I want her, but I will never again allow myself to ever NEED her.


It's alot to think about and sometimes it not as easy as it seems that it can be.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I will never fully trust
I will forever have abandonment issues
I refuse to ever be a doormat again
I feel sexually insecure
I feel like a man will only want me as a housekeeper or nanny


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I will never fully trust
> I will forever have abandonment issues
> I refuse to ever be a doormat again
> I feel sexually insecure
> I feel like a man will only want me as a housekeeper or nanny


But should you fully trust again? If you don't trust the ones you should trust, then it usually not going to work out.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> But should you fully trust again? If you don't trust the ones you should trust, then it usually not going to work out.


Having 100% trust in my husband is what got me here in the first place.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I'd be happy getting back to 95% trust.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I don't think I ever fully trusted my H after the first EA but after 15 years I wasn't thinking about it much. Of course that's when it hits you again, when you are not looking. That was a year ago and I was just getting to where I wouldn't check up on him very often, and then I find he had been talking/texting to her out of curiosity as to how she was doing, doesn't really know why he did it etc. Now back to about 2% trust and starting over so I can manage day to day life. There are no more chances so I hope he is serious, remains serious, from now on. Time will ell.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

SaltInWound said:


> I will never fully trust
> I refuse to ever be a doormat again
> I feel like a woman will only want me as a housekeeper or nanny


Yep I've signed up for those as well!

One year on I can't, for moment, imagine even getting hooked up again right now


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## Sen'Jin (Mar 25, 2013)

I'll write out my story soon, but let's just say I'm in my 50's and have a 30 something wife. Maybe that will say "had" but that's yet to be determined. I didn't become anyone other than who I am. I am just as self assured as I was previously. Just because someone took advantage of all that was given to her and thought that a romp in the hay a few times a month was smart, well I refuse to feel bad about who I am. I did my best. I still am.

I say if you become anything after such an experience it is a more open minded individual. Someone who is not going to allow themselves to be snowballed ever again. Let that grief and anger turn into positives and try not to dwell on it in an unending mobius of bad thoughts.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Sen'Jin said:


> I'll write out my story soon, but let's just say I'm in my 50's and have a 30 something wife. Maybe that will say "had" but that's yet to be determined. I didn't become anyone other than who I am. I am just as self assured as I was previously. Just because someone took advantage of all that was given to her and thought that a romp in the hay a few times a month was smart, well I refuse to feel bad about who I am. I did my best. I still am.
> 
> I say if you become anything after such an experience it is a more open minded individual. Someone who is not going to allow themselves to be snowballed ever again. *Let that grief and anger turn into positives* and try not to dwell on it in an unending mobius of bad thoughts.


Easier said than done, for me anyway

Interesting I'm also 20 years older than my stbxw.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

.....I've recently taken a close look at myself as a result of my wife's PA that occurred +17 yrs ago ....and what I see in the mirror is not attractive. I don't think that there is a facet of my life that's been unaffected.

......I've always had a temper ...and when it was bad ...it was BAD. But I could control it when necessary, and vent at the opportune moment when "innocent bystanders" couldn't be harmed. That's not the case recently. The built up anger, hurt, frustration of not being told the whole truth about her A has eaten away at me on so many fronts that it's manifested itself in some pretty ugly ways. I now blow up at the slightest provocation ...whether it's about important issues or not. 

....I have zero confidence. Not only in the 'marital arena" but in anything I do. I was the "guy who could fix anything" ...and yet as the years went by ...more and more I find myself shying away from household or mechanical repairs because of an over-all decline in confidence.

....I've developed a complete distrust of everyone and everything ....and always am looking for the reason behind the reason that anyone does something. 

....with regards to sexual activity ....I have less than zero confidence. When I look back at "what I was" (pre A) in this sector of life ...I have to say that I was a very good, caring, dedicated, attentive, and completely unselfish lover. I have to say that since the A ....I have maintained my inner need to be a good lover, and I don't think I've failed to do so. I also maintain that I've probably been more focused on my 'performance" since then ...probably to her benefit. And, yet, in the "afterglow" there is a flood of doubt that rushes into my head to dampen any sense of satisfaction that I "did a good job". 

....I'm working to fix all these issues now, because as I noted, I was letting the effects to the A shape my life in numerous ugly and destructive ways.

....I do however know that I will never put a pronounced level of trust in anything or anyone ...ever again.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Headspin said:


> Easier said than done, for me anyway
> 
> Interesting I'm also 20 years older than my stbxw.


Do you blame your age-gap?


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....I've recently taken a close look at myself as a result of my wife's PA that occurred +17 yrs ago ....and what I see in the mirror is not attractive. I don't think that there is a facet of my life that's been unaffected.
> 
> ......I've always had a temper ...and when it was bad ...it was BAD. But I could control it when necessary, and vent at the opportune moment when "innocent bystanders" couldn't be harmed. That's not the case recently. The built up anger, hurt, frustration of not being told the whole truth about her A has eaten away at me on so many fronts that it's manifested itself in some pretty ugly ways. I now blow up at the slightest provocation ...whether it's about important issues or not.
> 
> ...


You got crushed and never rebuilt your self-worth. Your going to have to build it up outside of her, each of these areas:

1. Physical competenance
2. Confidence in your decisions and masculinity
3. Sexual confidence
4. Confidence in yourself as a good choice for relationship partner

Each of these can be rebuilt and made stronger than before. It's not going to be easy with your wife who cheated on you, unless she totally submitted to you and you never look back.

Usually it just never feels the same, ever. In a small percentage of cases they get better due to the mistake.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> You got crushed and never rebuilt your self-worth. Your going to have to build it up outside of her, each of these areas:
> 
> 1. Physical competence
> 2. Confidence in your decisions and masculinity
> ...




....definitely agree that I got crushed and I neglected the "ME" in the whole part of the whole relationship ...and now intend on changing that for the better. I'm taking part in therapy sessions with the wife to air my side of everything ...and after only one session I feel like there's a whole load of dead weight off my chest (_physically ...it was so bad at times I couldn't breath. It's shocking what emotionally induced stress will do to you.)_

1. I dropped a bunch of weight last year (40 lbs between Jan 3 and Dec 20th) ...but added back about 10 lbs with holiday food indulgences. But I lost those 10 lbs already and am setting my goal at another 40 lbs this year (getting me down to 200 lbs).

2. The masculinity thing took a major hit ...but I've already made some strides in that area. I just need to find a new "guy thing" to take part in. I was in a guys softball league, but a major injury last year has ended that activity for good. 

3. Sexual confidence? Well ...I think with the body image changes, lost weight, feeling more physically fit (not that I was ever a slug or Jabba The Hut wannabe) ...I'll get there.

4. The overall self confidence will hopefully fall into place with the inroads that I've made in the first 3 categories....

....I saw the light that the way I was acting, carrying myself, not controlling my temper, and re-emergence of my depression ...all were adding up to most likely shorten my life. That's all going to stop ....now.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> Do you blame your age-gap?


Actually no not overtly

There will be differences in an age gap marriage but to be honest it very rarely came up as an issue until in the last couple of years (16 yrs together 11 married) when she was looking desperately for a reason for some action she'd taken.

I've always had younger friends, been involved with younger people in my work have two kids 9 and 10 (I'm 57) so I'm in that mindset. 

She was a bit mature for her age so we met in the middle if you like.

I always find it funny that whenever she did complain about the age gap the adultery was all with men married and 12 to 15 years older than her !! so......


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Re: Who you become after being a BS...*


I became very aware of just how important becoming self reliant is. Of course you cannot become 100% self reliant but getting as close to 100% is so very beneficial.

I became someone that realized that the fantasy that I had of my spouse being totally dedicated to me and always faithful through thick and thin was a pile of crap.

I became a person that lost the belief that my spouse was special in certain areas.

I became a person that used the trauma to improve myself

I became a person that came to realize that the high ideals that I had about my wife (ALWAYS FAITHFUL, ALWAYS TRUSTWORTHY, ALWAYS HAD MY BEST INTEREST AT HEART) can only exist in my faith in God.

I became a person that has much more appreciation and admiration for God 

I became a person that has a more realistic view of human nature

I became a person that still cares deeply for my wife.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Mr Blunt said:


> *I became someone that realized that the fantasy that I had of my spouse being totally dedicated to me and always faithful through thick and thin was a pile of crap.
> 
> I became a person that lost the belief that my spouse was special in certain areas.*
> 
> ...



.....the first 2 items you cited above stood out to me in particular as to why there is such intense pain from betrayal

....with the last one ironically being the topper for the level of pain ...and yet it's the last one that lets me have hope for better days to come


....I think that if you actually can still "feel" after all the hurt ....then you have a shot at self improvement.


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