# Lost after 21 years



## L4Junior (Jul 26, 2009)

WW starts an EA with POSOM in 2006 she worked with, leads to a reported break-up same year. WW wants to save marriage. On April 03, 2009, WW informs me that she has not ended the EA and is in a PA relationship for 7 months and they are in love, prior to that, our relationship both emotional and sexual were fine so I thought, we continued to make love 2-3 times a week her initiative most times. 

April 09, 2009 leaves home and goes to POSOM as he makes her happy. April 14, 2009 calls and wants to come home, says will do what it takes to make things better, arrives home April 15, 2009. Plan A is started NC and counselling to air all issues; POSOM does not like this, proceeds to harsh, and stock the home for 21 days, only after several police calls did this end. WW ends all counselling session and goes into depression after last police intervention; WW informs me at that time that she was carrying his child, but miscarriage in Feb 2009, I have become enemy number one. 

Still following Plan A and purchases Love busters and His needs her needs; WW believes marriage is worthless, waste of monies, moving on with Plan A. 

June 29, 2009 WW stills has not committed to working on the marriage, this tells me that either Plan A is not working or POSOM is still in the picture, I believe POSOM is still in the picture, no evidence. WW has been an emotional desert, today was particularly bad as she looks at me and says “would you hate me if I leave” and “20 years I sacrificed for you” Not sure if this is the FOG babble or not. 

So that’s it in a nut shell Plan A is in the works, I have huge emotion hole in my heart and what looks to be a very long road, can’t help wondering why she is in the home if she does not want to make the marriage work? Please desperate in need of advice.

July 23, 2009 WW leaves hom eto get her "answers" from him on why he is first in her heart. Move in with him same day.. Have had no contact with her since. IS this a lost cause or is she total lost in lust fog that she will eventual see reality and crash hard..


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

L4 - I am so sorry you are having to go through this and the coming and going is the hardest part of the whole process. I see that you are familiar with Dr. Harley's materials - as I have purchased them all as well. You did not mention that you had his book "surviving an affair" - there is a story in there very similar to yours. The end result is that they do survive and get past the affair, however it took a very long time and hitting rock bottom was exactly what happened for her. Unfortunately he went through years of emotional hell to get there. I wish I had something better to give you. It all comes down to how much you are willing to endure. I know investing 20 years seems like so much to just let go and walk away from but think about this - what about the next 20 years?????? It has been a while since I read through the plans - but if I remember correctly I would consider moving on to plan B. Doens't mean you have to move on and find someone new - but would at least make you feel like you were doing something other than hanging in limbo waiting for "what next". Move on with your life, new interests, hobbies etc. Like I have posted on here before - the person you fell in love with is gone, just like the person you once were is gone. It will be like starting over again, and sometimes just knowing that you aren't going back to the old habits that got you here, may be the break you need to make a fresh start.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's over.

You need to cut her out of your life.

It is painful, but do not be her fall back position!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I'm 100% against divorce...but this is one case when I say RUN, get a lawyer now.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Time to dump her. You need to keep your self respect if you are going to heal from this quicker.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

She has issues and needs someone more messed up than she is to make her feel good about herself. Only its impossible to live day to day around someone with less than nothing, so she keeps comming back to stability once she has had her fill of trying to fix someone.

You will never be able to help her until she wants to be herself. Some have to hit bottom befor that happens. 

I wouldn't stick around for that. If you love her and she wants to change and sticks with it, then help her. But if shes trapped in a cycle you are part of then you will never change it from the inside.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

I know this undoubtedly must be heartbreaking, and actually cruel on your wife's part. I don't think I could take all the yo-yoing, but it is really up to you to do what you have to, to have peace of mind. Cheaters are clearly selfish and inmature, or they wouldn't be cheating in the first place.

I sincerely hope she realizes how wrong this is, and is not fair to anyone involved.

Best of luck to you!


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