# I'm a bully



## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Hi

My wife has moved out today with our 2 children: girl 9, boy 10. I don't know how long for, I don't really know why, but I can guess.

Just reading the bullying thread... that would describe me to some extent. My wife isn't much of a talker, and I tend to mouth off when frustration gets the better of me. Over the years we've developed tactics to deal with that, if she says nothing I find it diffuses the situation quicker... I will defeat my own arguments.

I dunno I guess I just can't resist criticising when the actual problem is usually me or mine. It certainly isn't fair on her.

A lot of things are worrying at the moment. My Mum had to go into care and it really upsets me that I can't care for her. That she has to have such a low quality of life. She has some money, and in the UK the state take all of that for care. To protect her estate I'm trying to make the money work. I've rented out two properties and need to buy and rent another.

Work is uncertain as there are a lot of changes going on. On Sunday morning at 5am I had a 'coronary incident', was rushed into hospital for the day where they found I have an uneven heart beat. I'm on medication now to thin my blood and restrict my heart rate.

She got me to the doctors a few weeks ago to ask about anger management, which I happily volunteered for. I've had one session, where a book was recommended. I got the book, but every time I read it, it triggers an 'episode'. I have to confront those things that I usually manage to push to the back of my mind I guess.

Today is my 51st birthday, and thinking back my wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. The kids did. And my wife drove me to the doctors (I'm not allowed to drive) for a blood test and a checkup. She said to call her when I was done and she'd pick me up, so I tried, but there was no answer. I must've tried 20 times before going to a shop where she has friends to ask if they'd seen her. I was worried for her safety, and walked home to see if she was there. She'd told me not to walk home before because the steep hill at the end would be excessive excersise with my heart issue. But I was worried so I did anyway. I half expected that she'd fallen and hurt herself and I'd find her incapacitated. It did strike me that she might be planning a surprise party. We had talked about going out for lunch together.

She wasn't there, so I kept trying her phone. About half an hour later her friend called to say that Heather had 'had enough' and had left. I was relieved that she was ok. She'd taken some of the kids things and her laptop. I think she'd planned it.

I rang a couple of help lines who advised me to speak to my wife. So I called the friend again who said my wife hadn't told her anything to keep the friend out of the picture.

Her husband popped around this evening to say that he had picked up my kids and delivered them to my wife at their house, and that my wife was at an undisclosed destination. (My wife has the car).

I've sent her a text to say we should seek out guidance, and the place and time that we could go. 

I guess the latest pressure point is that she has given up her part time job to focus on sorting out our eldest's education. We decided that she should stay at home since they were born, as that would be the best for her and the children, which it has. She's a fantastic mum and they really are a credit to her. When she had school time free she got a job managing the toddler group.

She never has been domestic. The house is a tip, to say the least. If I don't think about it I can live with it happily. I take responsibility for it myself too, although she demands that I don't touch anything of hers. I married her as she was, and love her for who she is. It still annoys me as I like to be tidy. I guess it's a point of conflict.

Communication is always good I think. I would say that neither of us is very good with words.

So I'm here alone in a quiet house missing my kids and her. I keep telling myself that I should be patient and wait for her to make the next move.

Writing this has been illuminating and helpful to me.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

fr0d0 said:


> She got me to the doctors a few weeks ago to ask about anger management, which I happily volunteered for. I've had one session


If you are trully a full-fledged bully (yelling, manipulation, name-calling, belittling, and so on), then it's going to take a whole lot more than anger management for you to even begin to address your own issues.

I would suggest a good therapist with a background in domestic violence and conflict resolution.

Shouting people down or putting people down might get them to shut up, but you know what? They don't really hear you, they just feel unsafe around you when you do that, and above all... *bullying does not solve problems;it escalates problems*.

Eventually people figure out the reason they are nervously walking on egg shells and have diminished self-esteem is because they allow the bullying to continue, and then they leave... and stay gone.


Stop calling your wife, stop pestering everybody, you can't shout this down, you can't "win" this argument, and all this "winning" has you headed toward divorce and on your way to losing your kids.

The only person you can control is *you*. So take control of yourself and set a goal to be a better man, and go find yourself a good therapist.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Therapy costs money I don't have. I wouldn't say I'm full blown, but evidently enough to be a big issue to the person I love. Writing this here has made my bullying as it is apparent. Tomorrow I'll see what I can do about that (it's late here). How am I pestering? I've called professional councillors. My wife had dissapeared and I was worried for her safety.

I am otherwise extremely passive. I don't shout her down to shut her up. I lose my temper and have to say something. I never have been violent. Obviously I'm not winning. Others say that my wife's attitude can be antagonistic. Which is why I thought councilling for both of us might be helpful.

I agree it's me who needs to sort *me*.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

fr0d0 said:


> Therapy costs money I don't have. I wouldn't say I'm full blown, but evidently enough to be a big issue to the person I love. Writing this here has made my bullying as it is apparent. Tomorrow I'll see what I can do about that (it's late here). How am I pestering? I've called professional councillors. My wife had dissapeared and I was worried for her safety.
> 
> I am otherwise extremely passive. I don't shout her down to shut her up. I lose my temper and have to say something. I never have been violent. Obviously I'm not winning. Others say that my wife's attitude can be antagonistic. Which is why I thought councilling for both of us might be helpful.
> 
> I agree it's me who needs to sort *me*.


Then why are you diagnosing yourself as a bully?

Maybe you two just have very ineffective communication patterns and a disagreement about how to keep your home tidy?

What am I missing here?


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thanks for your help TH. Well that's what I think sometimes. Maybe it'll strike a chord with my wife and she'll go for joint counselling.

I grew up in a job where I was subjected to extreme bullying. I wonder if that's what's developed into my problem here. I certainly feel powerless in a lot of areas, and unfulfilled. I'm trying to take more responsibility for myself, and remove the blame whilst accepting full responsibility, where before I'd somehow think it ok to not think it was my responsibility.

I can't discuss the domestic stuff with my wife, she just refuses to talk about it. It's difficult being poor communicators I guess. I think we have started to make progress. Hope above hopes we'll have chance to work on it some more.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Hello diary

No further communication so far. I'm going to call a dear mutual friend shortly. Perhaps she can speak to my wife and help some. We both very much value her and her husbands input, so hopefully that may help.

I find myself harbouring a lot of negative thoughts towards my wife's local friend, the one she confides in. I now understand why he went to collect my kids from school: they all thought I would try to take them. I would never risk jeopardizing thier happiness. All I want to know is that they and my wife are well and happy.

I'm thinking back trying to piece together the clues. I think my wife had an agenda but never shared it with me. I think she was struggling to cope and I was adding pressure that was making things unbearable. I guess she thought she was communicating that to me as well as to her friend. She was certainly closed to the thought that it could be something we could work out together.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

My husband has bullyish tendencies and I too am getting to the end of my tolerance of it. He is hypercritical-- example, he HAD to rearrange the way we put things in the dishwasher the other night, loudly complaining about how NOBODY could do it right. For the life of me, I couldn't see how what he did was so different (or better) than what we had done. 

The other morning, he was ranting at the kids about stupid things like which hallway they were walking down (apparently they were in HIS way-- does it never occur to him that from OUR point of view he is in OUR way???-- I mean HE doesn't have to catch the school bus on time), and yitching at my 17 year old about having her back pack slung over her shoulder (it was taking up too much space). And it isn't so much that he SAYS something, it is that at 7 am he is freaking shouting at everyone... seriously WHO Wants to start their day like that? 

And the other night, he was telling one of the kids to get out of HIS seat because she was making it too warm? REALLY??? He tells me how to drive and then complains that he always has to drive, and YES I have gotten so fed up with it I have pulled over and gotten out.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> My husband has bullyish tendencies and I too am getting to the end of my tolerance of it. He is hypercritical-- example, he HAD to rearrange the way we put things in the dishwasher the other night, loudly complaining about how NOBODY could do it right. For the life of me, I couldn't see how what he did was so different (or better) than what we had done.
> 
> The other morning, he was ranting at the kids about stupid things like which hallway they were walking down (apparently they were in HIS way-- does it never occur to him that from OUR point of view he is in OUR way???-- I mean HE doesn't have to catch the school bus on time), and yitching at my 17 year old about having her back pack slung over her shoulder (it was taking up too much space). And it isn't so much that he SAYS something, it is that at 7 am he is freaking shouting at everyone... seriously WHO Wants to start their day like that?
> 
> And the other night, he was telling one of the kids to get out of HIS seat because she was making it too warm? REALLY??? He tells me how to drive and then complains that he always has to drive, and YES I have gotten so fed up with it I have pulled over and gotten out.


Full moon? My a$$hat has been acting up as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

So what are you going to do about it Lisa? Any ideas?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

fr0d0 said:


> So what are you going to do about it Lisa? Any ideas?


I keep calling him on it... I figure that making him aware of how he appears to others (ie me and the girls) is the first step. He really believes he is RIGHT and that he has the RIGHT to act this way and so step one for me is letting him know that is NOT the case. 

The other morning with the shouting I told him to please STOP shouting at everyone at 7 am, and he started justifying and I said sorry no, I don't want to hear it at this time of the morning especially.... then he told me to close my ears if I didn't like it and I informed him I didn't HAVE to do that in my own home. 

I do think he is holding himself back a bit as the incidence of bullyish behavior seem to be lessening some.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> Full moon? My a$$hat has been acting up as well.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, then he has to go and act like it is justifiable... it isn't. I mean geesh, if you are that anal about the loading of the dishwasher than have at it... but shut up about it KWIM?

If I had something loudly to say about everything that I thought should be done differently he'd be so PISSED at me. I'd be called a nag, a rag, a *****... you name it.


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## surething (Oct 13, 2011)

Well...Happy Birthday...

You can go to a church. They have free therapy/couseling...

My husband is cranky as well. He takes everything out on me...

Good luck everyone


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

I have been verbally abusive to my wife and daughter. I know it's my fault, But my upbringing plays a vital role on what I am today. This verbal abuse may escalate to physical ,if you will not control your emotions and that leads to your WIFE and your kids resentment.Good thing you acknowledge the problem. Seek help,like individual counselling, group therapies, anger management class among others. That''s what im doing right now. I know , a lot of things are hapenning on our lives , stress, (financial, family, personal, health , etc) but this are only icing on the cake. The issue here is you have an anger problem to deal with w/c leads to your family to leave you! No amount of promises will make them come back unless YOU did CHANGES FOR YOU! and this time a CONSISTENT change for a BETTER YOU. They cant change you, only YOU can CHANGE yourself for the BETTER YOU and it will be a win-win situation for everybody. Once you did that , (they may be bumps along the road but as long as you are determined to DO IT!, YOU CAN) I hope they will see changes and they will come back, if not , then at least you became a BETTER YOU!


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> I keep calling him on it... I figure that making him aware of how he appears to others (ie me and the girls) is the first step. He really believes he is RIGHT and that he has the RIGHT to act this way and so step one for me is letting him know that is NOT the case.
> 
> The other morning with the shouting I told him to please STOP shouting at everyone at 7 am, and he started justifying and I said sorry no, I don't want to hear it at this time of the morning especially.... then he told me to close my ears if I didn't like it and I informed him I didn't HAVE to do that in my own home.
> 
> I do think he is holding himself back a bit as the incidence of bullyish behavior seem to be lessening some.


Good for you Lisa. You have every right to expect fair treatment and to point out yours and your kids point of view.

When I started reading my anger management stuff I got annoyed because I just never dealt with that stuff. Don't let it boil under: insist he confronts his problem for all of your sakes.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

fr0d0 said:


> Good for you Lisa. You have every right to expect fair treatment and to point out yours and your kids point of view.
> 
> When I started reading my anger management stuff I got annoyed because I just never dealt with that stuff. Don't let it boil under: insist he confronts his problem for all of your sakes.


And at first he would fight back telling me well, WHO is going to teach them manners etc. if WE Don't, and I try to point out it is the HOW more than the WHAT-- nobody needs to be berated and shouted at all the time. The funny thing is he gets all pissy ASAP if I raise my voice to him in any way.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

anom0105 said:


> i give you credit for coming on here to talk about your bullying and your problems with you wife. Usually its the other way around men are the ones that shut themselves out and women lose their tempers. Thats my case at least.
> But words hurt and some words can't be taken back even if you do whatever you do to try and take it back. People's selfesteem gets hurt in this process of bullying and they lose their ability to fight back.
> I know because that is me, my husband bully's me and i have no way of fighting back.
> Deep down inside you are a good man waiting to come out, your here you want answers, and it can be fusterating being with someone who is so distant and unexpressive. But you must respect people's way of expressing their feeling whether its your way or not.
> My husband laughs and ignores me goes out and entertains himself. Completely shuts me out, meanwhile, I'm boiling inside. No confrontation is good to him, he really will avoid and leave. He thinks its his way of avoiding a fight. I think it's passive agressive. I will scream untill the storm is over, and it really causes stress in my home. I don't want to scream anymore, i'm tired of him not listening. So I too feel like walking away from my marriage.


I think the problem is lately that she's expressing her feelings an awful lot to a particular friend and that friend has a very warped idea about how to deal with it.

Meanwhile I'm desperate for her to express her feelings to me and confront some issues and try and work them out.

I have tried to work out why I have acted the way I have. Just before we got married, and for another 10 years, 15 in total, I worked with a man who bullied me in the extreme. At one point he locked me under the floor and poured boiling water through holes. On another occasion I was so annoyed, I had a small piece of metal in my hand and I didn't notice myself gripping it so tightly that it embedded into my palm, blood pouring out. He said I backed away whenever he moved in on me. He'd scream and shout at me, and sometimes not talk to me for days (there were just the two of us in a work shop). I brought a lot of that home (I related the misery) to my wife.

I'm an extremely passive person. I thinks that's another problem too.... not releasing the emotion/s.

I respect my wife's limitations in communication. I think there's a lot more I can learn about fostering a good relationship.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> And at first he would fight back telling me well, WHO is going to teach them manners etc. if WE Don't, and I try to point out it is the HOW more than the WHAT-- nobody needs to be berated and shouted at all the time. The funny thing is he gets all pissy ASAP if I raise my voice to him in any way.


Bullying them will teach them to bully others. That's all. If you have to shout you've already lost. Telling them why they should do things and using an intelligent system of rewards and loss of privellege actually works. But you knew all of that.

He gets pissy because he's having to confront his attitude, and he doesn't want to.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

surething said:


> Well...Happy Birthday...
> 
> You can go to a church. They have free therapy/couseling...
> 
> ...


Thank you. It was certainly different.

The friend is the church leader. Well... she's a lay preacher as the church can't afford more.

The ex minister was really great on the phone. Will try and get in touch with everyone and see if she can't get us talking. She thinks it's legally wrong that my wife took the kids and herself off without an explanation. That it was unfair on me to be left in the dark for so long (and I still am). She said my wife had disempowered me and that I need to realise that I do still have rights and should feel like I am able to do what I think is right.

I hope things change for you surething. That you find a way to make things right.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

kekel1123 said:


> I have been verbally abusive to my wife and daughter. I know it's my fault, But my upbringing plays a vital role on what I am today. This verbal abuse may escalate to physical ,if you will not control your emotions and that leads to your WIFE and your kids resentment.Good thing you acknowledge the problem. Seek help,like individual counselling, group therapies, anger management class among others. That''s what im doing right now. I know , a lot of things are hapenning on our lives , stress, (financial, family, personal, health , etc) but this are only icing on the cake. The issue here is you have an anger problem to deal with w/c leads to your family to leave you! No amount of promises will make them come back unless YOU did CHANGES FOR YOU! and this time a CONSISTENT change for a BETTER YOU. They cant change you, only YOU can CHANGE yourself for the BETTER YOU and it will be a win-win situation for everybody. Once you did that , (they may be bumps along the road but as long as you are determined to DO IT!, YOU CAN) I hope they will see changes and they will come back, if not , then at least you became a BETTER YOU!


Thanks Kekel. Duly noted.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

anom0105 said:


> iMy husband laughs and ignores me goes out and entertains himself. Completely shuts me out, meanwhile, I'm boiling inside. No confrontation is good to him, he really will avoid and leave. He thinks its his way of avoiding a fight. I think it's passive agressive.* I will scream untill the storm is over, and it really causes stress in my home*. I don't want to scream anymore, i'm tired of him not listening. So I too feel like walking away from my marriage.


No offense (and I apologize to the thread owner for the hi-jack), but I think what is in *bold* is worth discussing on a thread about alleged "bullying".

When somebody shouts or screams at you, that prompts basic fear responses. Shouting and screaming does not solve problems; it escalates problems.

Typically, fear responses fall into two major categories: fight (reactive) or flight (avoidant), and they vary based on how serious the threat is perceived.

*Raging (yelling and screaming for hours) is also a category of verbal and emotional abuse*. What it isn't is... an effective way to communicate or solve problems.

If you find yourself feeling like you are losing control and cannot discuss your problems calmly, you might want to start trying to take time outs ("I am feeling angry, and I need 20 minutes to take a walk and calm down, so can we continue this discussion when I get back?").


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Just spoke to our x minister who had managed to get my wife on the phone. My wife and kids are in a local safe house and my wife wants me to sort myself out. I discussed it with the minister and I'm going to arrange some personal counselling with her husband, which I think is the best route possible at the moment, as I know they really know us and can actually effect some real change here in me. 

My wife really wants our marriage to work. Both of us are the totally committed type. To me my wife and kids are everything. I want nothing else. I think this will be an amazing opportunity to sort things out and make our lives happy. I know I've had this problem right from when we got married 25 years ago. Almost immediately. I am more than determined to make it happen. Nothing is more important for all of us I think.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Thanks Marcelina

Yeah I'm going to try my hardest to. I realise now that she must feel like I did those 10+ years I worked with that bully. I felt like the world had gone mad, that it really really was me who was useless like I was being constantly told. Where I lived in fear of the constant pressure and condemnation. I wanted out of that but never could do it.

A friend at work had got into a similar situation at work recently, with the boss bullying her. I advised her that cutting loose might be the best course of action because I feel all of those years I let it happen I feel were wasted.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Some of the behaviors described in the thread sound like my dad or even me in really stressful times, although neither of us yell or scream or act in a mean-spirited way.

What I'm referring to though is the making-issues-out-of-nothing part. 

I'm curious if the original poster or Lisa's husband have a lot of stress in their lives.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> Some of the behaviors described in the thread sound like my dad or even me in really stressful times, although neither of us yell or scream or act in a mean-spirited way.
> 
> What I'm referring to though is the making-issues-out-of-nothing part.
> 
> I'm curious if the original poster or Lisa's husband have a lot of stress in their lives.


He would say he does yes... he is the landlord for his mothers house (he has siblings but it all falls on him), he has the responsibility for her medicaid application and eligibility.. and he is a worrier about money.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

I find that I'm way too much money focussed. If anything happens it's how much that'll cost rather than the human cost. I'm worried about my day job, about renting the two houses plus about trying to rent more, we have young kids to sort out; I had a problem with my heart on sunday so I'm on medication for that and unable to do much... although I feel pretty chilled in myself. I don't think it's so much the amount of stress but how you deal with your anger. With me the easy release is to direct it at my wife. That has to stop.


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## fr0d0 (Oct 12, 2011)

Dear diary

Today my wife and I met with the x minister. He was fantastic and got us to speak in turn, voicing our issues. It was all my wife's issues and my reaction to them: complete acknowledgement of everything she says.

She had reached desperation point, her self esteem at an all time low, which then was having consequences on our children.

The minister is confident he can help, after consulting with friends and proffessionals, in guiding me through to resolution. It was an incredibly positive meeting where a lot of issues were revealed. I feel incredibly positive and full of hope for achieving what we never have managed to embrace in our relationship.

Now I just have the immediate practicalities to sort out. We've arranged to speak on the phone once a day, and talk about me meeting with the children.


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