# Stuck in a bad? marriage



## unhappy still (Jun 21, 2011)

I have been married 40 years got married in my senior year. Was pregnant for my first child. Have two others they are all grown up and have children of their own. I have suffered from depression and anxiety disorder most of my life and it of course affected my marraige. I tried to get help went to counseling and took pills which didnt help. I believe I have gotten a lot better and even my children say I have mellowed out. My husband was gone alot. He was an over the road trucker and when he was home wasnt alot of help with the children. Wanted to be their friend not their parent and we fought alot about money and the kids and everything else. Now that my children are grown I realize how it affected them. All through the years we went through a lot. We lost a baby and parents and money problems and a child on drugs who ended up in prison and many other things, but my husband always said as long as we are together we will be alright. I believed that and though we were too codependent on each other, never did anything without the other, I thought we were a real couple. My husband and I have suffered with his ED and my low lobido and now havent had sex for over three years. I have no desire and will never have sex with him again. He is coming to terms with that but it definitly has caused a problem. To back up some three years ago he had a stroke which caused some brain damage. short term memory and a changed personality. Since then he has made statements that have made me realize he never really loved me and resented me all these years and constantly will make comments that he should have left me years ago. I never hear him say as long as we are together we will be ok anymore. I take care of him everyday and try to be uplifting but having to stop driving truck has bothered him and he suffers from depression and he is very mean to me now. If I say anything it turns into a battle and he says its your fault you made me this way. I looked forward to him retiring for so many years and always thought we would have a great retirement but the stroke changed him and it has made me realize things. He I believe married me out of duty and stayed for that reason and may have cared about me but now since the stroke he is self centered and cares about no one especially me. He may not be able to help it but says very hurtful things and I feel I could be laying there bleeding to death and he would just get mad at me for bothering him about it. I get sick and he is so grumpy at me and I realize our whole time together he has never stood up for me or been on my side about anything. I have done some stupid things and may have brought problems onto myself but I have been beat up by a woman in the past and my husband did nothing blamed me for it for saying someething I shouldnt have. If I say anything negative about anyone or anything he insults me for it and no matter how justified I am he never sides with me. No matter what it is he always takes the other side. It may be a petty thing, but I feel like he is my partner and should be on my side but he never ever has been, I feel I love him and yet at time I hate him and even at times wish he had never survived the stroke so I would be free. I know that is a horrible thing to say and I know when he had the stroke I was a wreck so scared I was going to lose him, but in a way I have. I cant leave him because he cant take care of hisself and I have hardly ever worked so I cant take care of myself financially and we cant afford to live apart but I just wish I had someone who liked what I liked and really cared about me and would care for me if I was sick or hurting, I am so lonely and so lost and now we even sleep in seperate bedrooms. We have never had anything in common. He is and always has been a little slow and not stimulating in conversation at all and we never like the same things. I feel its too late for a real life for me now. I am over 300 lbs and 57 years old and too many issues to ever have it. Most of the time I just get through each day the best I can but I am afraid of the years ahead for us. I have wrote a long post and I know it I am sorry lots to say and I only touched on part of it. 40 years of life leave a lot to discuss. But I do say to all those out there never ever marry or have kids young. Its too hard to care for others before you have learned to take care of yourself and found out who you really are.


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## mikey11 (May 31, 2011)

No offense, but I would only read all of that if you learned what a paragraph was, too difficult to read otherwise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It sounds like you need to get in touch with a place that handles people with disabilities in terms of both finances and benefits, housing situation (assisted housing, where there is a rotating caregiver and meals brought in, and respite care so you can get out a bit for your own good - physically and mentally), group activities, appropriate day care/rehab/job retraining if possible for disabled adults (yes, there is even a bus that comes by!) and so forth.

A good place to start in terms of finding out these services is the hospital social worker office. Or, call your state or county welfare office and ask them which organization would be able to provide a case manager. 

LIKE IT OR NOT, YOU ARE NOW IN CHARGE OF BOTH YOUR WELFARE AND YOUR HUSBAND'S WELFARE. You cannot sit back and think about how different things could be. You have to improve things bit by bit. 

I really think getting long-term finances in order as well as planning a move to a senior housing where there is assistance available would be a good idea. If it's not possible where you're at, you might have to consider moving to where your children/grandchildren are if not in your area. 

If your husband says you can't do this, you can have him examined for competency. It's possible you can get formal guardianship of him, or have the guardianship assigned to someone else you trust. 

Your life isn't over. You are young and weight can be lived with or it can be lost. It is not an impediment to waking up in the morning and persisting at doing what needs to be done. At the very least, try a therapist again. I really hesitate to say this, but have you thought about doing any art, like drawing? There is something about the way you write that says you are a latent artist of some sort - jewelry or drawing... can't put my finger on it. Probably all the hopes and dreams that got suppressed, they need to come out! Art is a good way to do that, and you can do art even if stuck in the house with ole stodgy. And you can do it while you're on hold with the various agencies and in waiting rooms - it will happen. So good to have an outlet, and something you can share.

Just an idea. Take that or leave it.


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## unhappy still (Jun 21, 2011)

I didnt realize this was english class thanks alot for the rudeness


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## unhappy still (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you that was very helpful and I love crafts but not sure about art. I love painting ceramics and doing decorating
I will look into the help you suggested


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## Good_Husband (Jun 10, 2011)

I pray that you find peace.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't feel too bad about the format comment.
Lots of people comment about run-on paragraphs.
I'm not sure why it's become commonplace to be blunt about it on this forum, but it has.
I think because it's done so often, people have forgot that it's still rude, even if the intent is meant to be helpful.

You can click on the edit button and tidy things up, you'll likely get more readers and more responses.


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## Nickitta (May 12, 2011)

Hello!

I second what has been said. Although I started reading your thread, I found it hard to digest in one go. It will really help if you break it in small pieces so people with poor eye-sight like me will stand a better chance at reading it entirely.


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## unhappy still (Jun 21, 2011)

thank you


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## unhappy still (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you for the comment. It sounds better put like you did then the first post. It was just hard to come to this site looking for some support and to have the first comment be an insult.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You owe it to yourself to persist in connecting with the majority of the people who will read and comment, as your situation is serious and you know you can benefit from encouragement and insight of people not stuck in the situation who can think more clearly about it.

Most humans fall down a lot when they start to walk. But that was way before we understood rudeness or learned to look for it in others. We just grinned and pulled ourselves back up and tried again.

Try to adopt that mentality as it will serve you better.
You will need persistence in improving your situation.

You will also have to explain your situation to many people in seeking assistance, and to have documentation, also to make copies of different program applications, etc. So, you will need to get the 'story' concise and in a way that explains things. 

There is past history.
There are your issues for yourself. 
There are your H's issues for his medical care.
There is planning for the future.
There is day to day stuff that needs to be taken care of (activities daily living, yours and your H's).

When writing it out, it will be good to separate it, and to prioritize.
When someone says to you at an agency, what can we help you with, you can give them a list and they can easily see which of those things they can help with.

My idea for that is to make a binder and get some plastic document protection sheets. You can scan documents into a computer format as well and label in the binder on the plastic sheet (with a piece of masking tape) the file name and number. Then if you have to email anything you know it's all ready to go. Organization and documentation is important to getting services.

I had a child with a disability (actually two) that I got a lot of experience doing this with, also in the past helped a blind person get services, bankruptcy, medical care, etc. Nobody will do this work for you but ideas are great to go on if you think they'll work for you.

Definitely join a support group in real life.
I'm fairly sure there are stoke victim networks/brain injury support groups for familieis nearly everywhere at least in the states. If you're not sure, you can contact NAMI and they're very helpful and can point you in the right direction, also for yourself.

This is a support forum but it is open to all - even people who will log in as 'posers' or 'trolls' and say completely insane things sometimes to make your situation worse. So, you have to be careful. 

If you click on edit and clean up your post, nobody will think you are cowing down to rudeness, only taking a suggestion.

You can even make a new post and delete the old one as you are OP (original poster).

Don't give up.

Get teh documentation in order and start making phone calls and gathering information about options. It's one of those 'trips' where you can plan all you want but you have to put your foot out the door to make it happen, even if the first thing you do is walk through a mud puddle.


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## Mirrormask (Jun 15, 2011)

mikey11 said:


> No offense, but I would only read all of that if you learned what a paragraph was, too difficult to read otherwise
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would you post this?

To the OP. I can understand where you are coming from. What you need to understand is that after his stroke his brain literally could have shutdown certain emotions. No one is ever truly the same after such a thing happens. First of all you will need to try and seek financial help. Possibly Gov assisted aid. Disability and so on. You could possibly check into HUD housing or gov assisted living apartments or rentals. The main thing you will need to understand is that now is YOUR time to take care of your family. Think of it as a team. Your husband has been knocked down and now as his team mate your gonna have to pick up the slack. Between gov assistance and a minimum wage job (or higher if you can find one). You would be able to get by. It might not be the type of living you had before the stroke, but you would be living. He needs you now more than he will let you know he does. Men are stubborn and we tend to be more defensive when we are wounded. We don't want our spouse to see weakness in us. That is where his attitude is coming from. He feels he may be failing you as a husband because he cant do what he once could. he wont admit it, but he feels it.

May God be with you and yours.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

How is it going?
Have you contacted anyone yet in person?
If you haven't done so already, go to the hospital or doctor and get the medical records and release of information forms so that agencies are able to request them if needed. Medical records take about 10 days to process, so it's best to get moving on that. Primarily you will need the diagnosis codes but also any exams that show exact disability and limitations of the activities of daily living (known as ADL's). There are two sets of these - ones primarily self care physical (toileting, bathing, dressing) and the others are ones like ability to make phone calls, drive, grocery shop, manage finances...


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