# Stay or Go? Mutually Antagonizing Trauma



## backwardspear (Jul 1, 2020)

Hi all,

I've been reading through these forums for several months off and on until I had figured things out enough for myself that I'd be able to pose a question to you all as clearly as possible. 

My wife and I each have our individual trauma wounds from childhood. Mine are severe and extensive, and I've been working hard to heal them for 23 years (I'm now 42). My wife's wounds are less extensive, but she reacts strongly to them. We are both kind, caring people and we want the best for each other. The problem is that the trauma wounds of one person are seriously triggered by the trauma wounds of the other. It's a terrible feedback cycle.

What plays out is that my wife's trauma leaves her unconsciously terrified of shame, and she reacts strongly to any situation (real or perceived) that causes her to identify as being wrong - either in personal relationships, at work, or in relation to her own expectations for herself. In some cases she'll stew on her thoughts for hours or days and then will eventually explode. In situations where I feel hurt, sad, or upset, she finds a way to take my issue as having something to do with her, and she first becomes defensive, denies what I'm saying or denies history/facts, then she goes on the offensive, and ultimately turns things around entirely and makes herself out to be the victim. 

My childhood trauma was severe, with verbal, physical and emotional abuse, and with two parents who were so traumatized from their own upbringings that they were completely incapable of providing love, support, encouragement, soothing, etc., etc. My defense for this as a child was to shut down, freeze, and suppress my emotions. My wife's outbursts hit right at those childhood wounds. Her defensiveness, denial, offensiveness, and making herself out to be the victim rips those old wounds open, and rubs salt in them. Effectively zero of the discussions I've tried to have with her to address my feelings, her feelings/behaviors, or our relationship in general have ever been resolved because each discussion hits the same fierce resistance, and that has caused more and more distance between us. This dynamic has also made it a lot harder for me to heal, because the old wounds keep being retraumatized. 

It's gotten to a point where I just don't feel any physical attraction to her and my libido is only ever running on fumes at best. This distance between us is only one more stressor. I'm constantly making really good progress in my quest for healing towards authenticity, but I feel like this situation at home is a tether that only lets me get to the half way point in healing before being yanked backwards. I've tried sharing books with her about this and I've tried several times to get to her therapy with me, but that remains a pretty hard now. 

I'm posting here hoping to find some advice from people who have been through something similar or understand the dynamic I'm describing. I don't want to have this kind of codependent dynamic, and I _NEED_ to heal to and uncover my authentic self. 

We have a little girl who is almost four. It's obvious to me what she needs: support, encouragement, kindness, understanding, security, and unconditional love. I didn't get any of those things growing up, and I'm determined that the generational trauma ends with me. I can be the best dad for her only if I can deal with this depression and anxiety and learn how to feel and express my full range of emotions. 

My wife and I both deserve to have close connections, intimacy, trust, openness, etc. with their partner. My therapist says that it's possible for us to solve all this stuff, but I don't see it happening - at least not in a reasonable timeline. If it takes 3-4 years, I don't think I can remain in this state for that long. I think we could be great friends and have an even closer relationship as friends then we'll be able to find together. ...A big part of what is keeping us together is her trauma and my trauma not feeling strong enough to let go of the relationship. But there may also be a path to making things work - I just don't see it. 

If you think I should stay, I'd love to hear why you think so and why there's hope. If you think I should go, I'd also love to here why you think so. I don't really have anyone I can go to to talk about these things with, so thank you internet strangers!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

We are all to some extent victims of our up bringing , or lack of in some cases 
I see it said often that 70 % of prisoners come from father less families I have no idea if there is research behind this number or is it just plucked out of the sky 
they all so say that girls that grow up in a family where the father does not support her and give her the love she needs she is more likely to enter into sex relations with out love 
It is more common to find that girls in porn, escorting, or even open to duty sex than girls that have been cared for by her father , seemly the father or father figure is more important than we think ,

The quality of the father-child relationship matters more than the specific amount of hours spent together. Non-resident fathers can have positive effects on children’s social and emotional well-being, as well as academic achievement and behavioral adjustment.

Children with actively involved fathers are: 43% more likely to earn A’s in school and 33% less likely to repeat a grade than those without engaged dads.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Do you think she wants to improve the situation? What would she be saying if she was posting here?


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## salads (11 d ago)

I don't really have any advice (sorry!) but I just wanted to say I heavily identified with the dynamic you described, and that it was helpful to read and relate to such a similar experience. I hope you find your solution, it's not an easy position to be in.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

She might be choosing to not heal because she gets attention from you when you attend to her when she is reliving the trauma.


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