# Got knocked out of the saddle again!



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Me & my H were talking & he says to me I'm doing all I know to do. I could be running around here saying look what I'm missing out on & when I told him that hurt really bad. He said I twisted it around. How do you twist a statement like that?!?!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Maybe he said you're doing the best you can.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

lenzi said:


> Maybe he said you're doing the best you can.


What's that suppose to mean?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

It means you're doing all you know how to do.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

lenzi said:


> It means you're doing all you know how to do.


Well that's not what he said anyway..


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Was he able to articulate what it is he believes he is missing out on?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

MarriedDude said:


> Was he able to articulate what it is he believes he is missing out on?


Yep..It was a lying, backstabbing, peace of s**t, w***e. Sorry,but you ask.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh. God. That kind of thing hurts, doesn't it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Why is everybody being so mean today?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. God. That kind of thing hurts, doesn't it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I believe it may be the worst thing he's said yet.. I can't stop thinking about it.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I believe it may be the worst thing he's said yet.. I can't stop thinking about it.


He still just doesn't "get it." I'm sorry, devastated. Now the question is, what do you plan to do about it, for yourself, to be your ownadvocate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> He still just doesn't "get it." I'm sorry, devastated. Now the question is, what do you plan to do about it, for yourself, to be your ownadvocate?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QI'm starting to see that. This just did something to me.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm very sorry. But I'm not really surprised. For R to work the WS has to be consistently remorseful and (IMO) he has not been. 

He's probably still infatuated with the OM. I hope he wakes up.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> I'm very sorry. But I'm not really surprised. For R to work the WS has to be consistently remorseful and (IMO) he has not been.
> 
> He's probably still infatuated with the OM. I hope he wakes up.


I think so too. After all the lies he's found out she told he still thinks she loved him. He has said to me if I wanted her I would just go get her. Like he thinks she's just sitting there waiting on him..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, I think he does think she's waiting for him. 

Do you know for certain that they're not in contact?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Yes, I think he does think she's waiting for him.
> 
> Do you know for certain that they're not in contact?


I know her no. has been blocked from his phone, But she lives a couple of blocks from where he works. It's 30 miles from our house. So all I can do is hope he is telling me the truth..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I know her no. has been blocked from his phone, But she lives a couple of blocks from where he works. It's 30 miles from our house. So all I can do is hope he is telling me the truth..


She has a H & two kids..


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> She has a H & two kids..


Why not inform her H of what she's been up to? He deserves to know the truth, and she'll be too busy trying to save her own marriage to chase your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If her husband doesn't know then that makes it a lot easier for her to see your husband. He's within very short distance of her when he's at work and 30 miles away from you. That's not exactly a comforting thought since he could easily call her from work, meet her five minutes later and not ever have to use his cell phone. If you haven't exposed to her husband you definitely need to. I wouldn't rely on hope if I were you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I seem to be a bit lost here. Sorry. Is he saying he is trying all he can at R or staying away from the OW?


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Hmm !!! You are not alone in this no one said R is easy at this stage. Alots of thing are yet to be said belive me it's not over. It basicly comes down to you, how much you are willing to take from him. Frankly I think it's good for you and all betrayed spouses that WS are being this way towords BS specially if they're not hundred percent in R and here are the reasions way. 

Every time you look in to his eyes and you see her ""
Every time he smiles, you know that he has never smiled for you the way he has smiled for her ""
Every time he touches you. you can feel it in his hand that in his mind he is touching her.
Every time you say I love you and he don't say it back( this the worst one for me ) 
(YOU ) said let's work on R so I am 
You are a good person so I just don't want to LEAVE with out trying ( hahahaha to me that says they have already left and R is just a Sham ) 

WS are not ready for R as my wife says it ( I will fake it till we make it) that hurts. I know you can not go through R unless you WS is in R 100%. But if they are not, all off thouse thing above and + some will just help you become stronger and bitter person towords him. It will help you see the imperfections that he carries. 
If you are in R that means you have already forgiven him in some sense to continue a relationship with him BUT That being being said I promiss you you will not be able to get over his bad behavior towards you. 

I am just hoping that my wife will see that she is lossing ( I don't think she really cares if she did) me becouse every day that I feel any kind of distance from her towords me and R I am beginning to hate and see her for who she really is. 

I don't know if I mad any since here but imam really drunk
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

dkphap13 said:


> I don't know if I mad any since here but imam really drunk
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Best post you have ever written.

Keep drinking.

[hic!]


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Devastated hang there, it is very rough in the beginning. Neither really knows what to do as you are both reeling from the bomb blast detonated on your marriage. My WW said some very cruel things after d-day, she was being honest and didn't see how it would affect me. WW will never know how it affects me as she will never get it. I don't think it possible for a WW to fully get it, in my opinion. If you haven't exposed her to her husband I'm sorry but I would. Tell him every detail you know. Make her to busy doing damage control to pursue your husband. I did this devastated, it's rough, embarrassing, humiliating, and a kick to your pride. 

This just may wake your husband up and pull his head out of his a$$. Your husband may worry he works so close to her husband rather than so close to her. If you need to talk just pm me. I'm so sorry you have had a rough time lately. Hang in there and take a couple deep breaths. Above all devastated stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

Please tell the OWH. He deserves to know what his wife is up to, plus the wife will be too busy fixing her real world that your husband will no longer be a thrill.

Do NOT tell your husband you are going to expose. Just do it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> I seem to be a bit lost here. Sorry. Is he saying he is trying all he can at R or staying away from the OW?


To R.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> To R.



Well it might just be that he is. Say he is putting in 50% to R Becouse he is not ready for 100% it's up to you to deside if it is enough for now. 

In my experiance its been getting batter not 100% yet but it's getting there. TIME is what's needed here, give it time. But don't hold back, you need to stand up for your self. He needs to know that you are not week. You need to show him that you are not afraid to losse him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

How are you doing? I hope you are staying strong. My WW, in the beginning of our reconciliation, would move a mountain to help me. This she is willing to do, to try save our marriage. Prior to d-day she watched me get completely destroyed. She had the answers, never have them. But after d-day she did a 180 to be perfect. Of course she isn't perfect but I can't fault her effort. While having a conversation last week she told me she feared divorce, and life without me. In the beginning she was scared and not fully knowing what to do. I didn't even know what I needed. So she did very simple things, noticed me triggering, noting my mood, and opening communication when I would become distant. I am not sure from your posts if your husband is here yet and may be very afraid he has lost you. You need to communicate your needs from him to begin healing. 

You need to communicate and when someone begins to shut down, end your conversation at that point. I set up a time to talk and a time to end that talk. This has worked for us but it may not work for everyone. I wish you the best of luck and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

No BS can be perfect in their words and actions. But....when those wrong words begin to accumulate, they can't be considered as an occasional misstep.

That statement to me, indicates he thinks in some way he's doing you a favor by staying faithful. Not really the mindset of someone who feels remorse or understands what it is.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

badmemory said:


> No BS can be perfect in their words and actions. But....when those wrong words begin to accumulate, they can't be considered as an occasional misstep.
> 
> That statement to me, indicates he thinks in some way he's doing you a favor by staying faithful. Not really the mindset of someone who feels remorse or understands what it is.


I feel the same way. He tells me all the time I'm here with you. If I wanted her I would just go get her..


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I feel the same way. He tells me all the time I'm here with you. If I wanted her I would just go get her..


Dev only you can take the choice away from him young lady

55


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

just got it 55 said:


> Dev only you can take the choice away from him young lady
> 
> 55


I don't think she would give everything up for him, But after all the lies he knows she told. I believe he still thinks she Loved him..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I feel the same way. He tells me all the time I'm here with you. *If I wanted her I would just go get her.*.


I might try to explain to this knucklehead that basically he's telling you - he won't cheat on you when he doesn't want to, but will when he does.

Marriage isn't supposed to work like that. You're not supposed to cheat in either instance and it's his job to convince you of that.

Does this man even have a filter?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

badmemory said:


> I might try to explain to this knucklehead that basically he's telling you - he won't cheat on you when he doesn't want to, but will when he does.
> 
> Marriage isn't supposed to work like that. You're not supposed to cheat in either instance and it's his job to convince you of that.
> 
> Does this man even have a filter?


I ask him to be honest with me, But I think he's a little to honest. I use to kiss him & tell him I Loved him at least once a day & I have stopped doing that. Now the only time I say it is when he say's it first. I have started getting out & going places when he's at work, I don't call him like I use to. I'm still nice, but I've cut out all the extra things I use to do & now he is having a hard time. The guilt is setting in & he sees that I have changed. So he has been a lot more considerate about what he says to me lately..


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Sounds like you're unintentionally doing a "soft" 180. In any case, you are instinctively protecting yourself, and theres absolutely nothing wrong with that. Keep it up  Get out there, volunteer, meet people, enrich your life and empower yourself,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I ask him to be honest with me, But I think he's a little to honest. I use to kiss him & tell him I Loved him at least once a day & I have stopped doing that. Now the only time I say it is when he say's it first. I have started getting out & going places when he's at work, I don't call him like I use to. I'm still nice, but I've cut out all the extra things I use to do & now he is having a hard time. The guilt is setting in & he sees that I have changed. So he has been a lot more considerate about what he says to me lately..




Good job, your protecting yourself. By detaching , your proving to him that you don't trust him, which you should not, because he does not deserve it. Even so, he will have to face the fact that you will never love him the same way again, and he is the one responsible for that. Keep doing things to make yourself happy and fulfilled, and I am sure you may have noticed a change in you. By changing yourself and your actions, he is the one now that is reacting more towards you. Keepmaking him react, and it will probably make him more introspective. Hopefully that will eventually make him face himself, and have a real inkling on how much he really has damage the relationship.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Good job, your protecting yourself. By detaching , your proving to him that you don't trust him, which you should not, because he does not deserve it. Even so, he will have to face the fact that you will never love him the same way again, and he is the one responsible for that. Keep doing things to make yourself happy and fulfilled, and I am sure you may have noticed a change in you. By changing yourself and your actions, he is the one now that is reacting more towards you. Keepmaking him react, and it will probably make him more introspective. Hopefully that will eventually make him face himself, and have a real inkling on how much he really has damage the relationship.


He is starting to see what he's done now. He called me yesterday upset & said he had broke something that he couldn't fix & it's killing him & I just said I know it's killing me too, But we can get through it as long as we can talk about it. Normally I would have assured that he would be able to fix it & to not let it get him down. I would have spent the whole time trying to comfort him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I hope you had a great holiday weekend and got to rest a little too. You are on the right path in my opinion and working on yourself. Keep getting out and building your confidence up. I hope your husband is really beginning to understand what damage he has done. That he understands there is no quick fix and that even you yourself have no idea how long it will take you to heal. Everyone is different when it comes to healing. Tell him what you need to heal. I remember the day after d-day we were sitting in MC, our therapist told me my WW is the only person who can heal me. Even in shock I was thinking the therapist is crazy. I told the therapist my WW is why I'm broken! But the WS is the person who must heal you in R. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I hope you had a great holiday weekend and got to rest a little too. You are on the right path in my opinion and working on yourself. Keep getting out and building your confidence up. I hope your husband is really beginning to understand what damage he has done. That he understands there is no quick fix and that even you yourself have no idea how long it will take you to heal. Everyone is different when it comes to healing. Tell him what you need to heal. I remember the day after d-day we were sitting in MC, our therapist told me my WW is the only person who can heal me. Even in shock I was thinking the therapist is crazy. I told the therapist my WW is why I'm broken! But the WS is the person who must heal you in R. Stay strong and best of luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On Thanks I had a bad day yesterday. My H put a video on face book, Just something funny, But when he did it popped up all the Love songs he had posted to OW & even though I have her blocked. Her comments & profile picture was still on there. Saying things like I Love this song & Oh how pretty. So I started deleting them. There was over 30. How could I have been so blind! Then I started wandering about pictures & post she had commented on in the past & sure enough they went back to June 20-13 I spent an hour looking at her face & seeing their flirty comments to each other, But the good news is I've lost 30lbs & It looks like she may have found them.. Lol


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Great news about the weight loss!!! Just try to remember to lose the weight sensibly while eating healthy. I admit I laughed out loud to your comment of the OW finding that weight. Good to see you have a sense of humor, you'll need it for R. Sorry to hear about the bad day and having to look at her mug all day. I have a photo of my WW's OM on my phone, I look at it occasionally when I feel the need to amp up my adrenaline to work out. Yesterday I had a bad day also, so last night we went to get our Christmas tree. Seeing my boys all excited for Christmas had me in a much better mood. Before going to get the tree I went into rage as a trigger blindsided me and then I came on here. Big mistake to come in here yesterday, at least for me it was as I wrote some less than kind posts. Keep up the good work and sense of humor. Stay strong devastated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Drifting on, Sorry you had a bad day too. I have been eating healthy & working out every day. I took the first 15 off because I just couldn't eat, But I've worked for the last 15. I have a picture on my I pod the OW took of us with my H standing between us. I know I shouldn't, But I look at it every day. I still find it hard to believe that he could stand in between us & laugh so hard. He's leaned against her & she has her head against his shoulder & I'm standing off to the side. I don't know why I can't seem to stop looking at it..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Yeah, yesterday I ran into OM's wife and mother in law. We made eye contact but no words exchanged. However, just running into his wife brought back a flood of emotions about him. I went into rage quick and from there my day was lost. Sometimes I find I just really hate what happened to my life and marriage. Good job on the weight loss, you should be proud of yourself. 

As for the picture, I believe we as humans tend to torture ourselves when we are feeling down. No idea why, but I find myself listening to music that gets me down. Maybe we feel we deserve the punishment since our spouses cheated. Who knows why we do some of the things we do. I have his photo and even though it's great for working out, it is a mystery why I keep it. Maybe as time passes I will get rid of it. Stay strong devastated, and keep up the good work.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated, it sounds like that picture says a lot more than a thousand words.  ouch. That must be painful to look at. 

I think we hang onto and use reminders like that almost as a self defense mechanism. It's like our subconscious saying, "Hey, don't forget what he did to you. It can happen again." I find there are a number of reminders, subtle and not to subtle, that call my attention to that danger, and to the associated pain. I'm a year and a half (plus) out from d day, and I don't think it's happening any less frequently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Devastated, it sounds like that picture says a lot more than a thousand words.  ouch. That must be painful to look at.
> 
> I think we hang onto and use reminders like that almost as a self defense mechanism. It's like our subconscious saying, "Hey, don't forget what he did to you. It can happen again." I find there are a number of reminders, subtle and not to subtle, that call my attention to that danger, and to the associated pain. I'm a year and a half (plus) out from d day, and I don't think it's happening any less frequently.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Dignityhonorpride, I know what you mean. Sometimes I wander if it will ever get any better or is this how the rest of my life is going to be. We use to be so happy. The couple everybody wanted to be like. That's what makes it so hard to look at that picture & know I didn't mean no more than that to him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I have the same fears as you, is this my life, will I be happy, will I have peace, will my WW do this again, if I divorce will the next person cheat, will we accept the changes we are making? I could list questions for another hour. You are doing what I did and focusing on the past. While the past needs to be examined you also have to move forward. Your self esteem and confidence have been crushed, you no longer trust the closest person to you. As you move forward with those three items lacking you begin to question everything. Focus on your needs, your healing of the marriage, and most importantly, yourself. 

Continue working out, getting out and communication. As your confidence builds you will become stronger. As your self esteem builds you will feel better about yourself and your decisions. As you focus on yourself, you won't recognize yourself in six months. Keep on this path devastated, you will make it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I have the same fears as you, is this my life, will I be happy, will I have peace, will my WW do this again, if I divorce will the next person cheat, will we accept the changes we are making? I could list questions for another hour. You are doing what I did and focusing on the past. While the past needs to be examined you also have to move forward. Your self esteem and confidence have been crushed, you no longer trust the closest person to you. As you move forward with those three items lacking you begin to question everything. Focus on your needs, your healing of the marriage, and most importantly, yourself.
> 
> ...


Drifting On, You have helped me so much. I'm just sorry that it had to come from you going through what I'm going through now. My H told me this morning if I couldn't stop focusing on the past & try to work on what's here now. He's going to leave. Not because that's what he wants, But because he can't stand to watch me hurt anymore knowing he is the cause of my pain. I thought I was hiding it so well. That made me realize that if I want my marriage to work I've got to find a way to except that I will never get the answer as to WHY when we were so happy. That's what I've been hung up on & he don't even know the answer. I don't know where to start, But I've got to stop focusing on what he did & look at the fact that he's here & trying. He will never be able to answer all my questions & bringing them up is just keeping the pain going for both of us.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He really may not be able to articulate why he had an affair. Many men are not that introspective and it doesn't sound as if he is. She was there and for whatever reason he wanted to be with her and he took that step. You could have been his idea of the perfect wife and he still would have done it because in that moment that's what he wanted to do. He was in the fog of affair infatuation and running away together was a great fantasy. 

Affairs are built on the excitement of newness and secrecy. That's what makes them so appealing. And the possibility of another one is always out there. When cheaters are caught they swear it will never happen again. Sometimes it doesn't but sometimes it does. Because the excitement of an affair is like a drug. That's what worries those of us who choose to R. We can never be one hundred percent certain they won't cheat again. 

Focus on making yourself stronger so you can face whatever life brings. Don't be afraid of what you can't control. At the end of the day the only person you can completely count on is you.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, You have helped me so much. I'm just sorry that it had to come from you going through what I'm going through now. My H told me this morning if I couldn't stop focusing on the past & try to work on what's here now. He's going to leave. Not because that's what he wants, But because he can't stand to watch me hurt anymore knowing he is the cause of my pain. I thought I was hiding it so well. That made me realize that *if I want my marriage to work I've got to find a way to except that I will never get the answer as to WHY when we were so happy. That's what I've been hung up on & he don't even know the answer.* I don't know where to start, But I've got to stop focusing on what he did & look at the fact that he's here & trying. He will never be able to answer all my questions & bringing them up is just keeping the pain going for both of us.





Openminded said:


> *He really may not be able to articulate why he had an affair. Many men are not that introspective and it doesn't sound as if he is.* She was there and for whatever reason he wanted to be with her and he took that step. You could have been his idea of the perfect wife and he still would have done it because in that moment that's what he wanted to do. He was in the fog of affair infatuation and running away together was a great fantasy.
> 
> Affairs are built on the excitement of newness and secrecy. That's what makes them so appealing. And the possibility of another one is always out there. When cheaters are caught they swear it will never happen again. Sometimes it doesn't but sometimes it does. Because the excitement of an affair is like a drug. That's what worries those of us who choose to R. We can never be one hundred percent certain they won't cheat again.
> 
> Focus on making yourself stronger so you can face whatever life brings. Don't be afraid of what you can't control. At the end of the day the only person you can completely count on is you.


Sorry to interrupt but yours, Devastated and lost, is a question that is asked over and over on TAM/CWI and Openminded's answer is one that is commonly given but which, for me, is at best only partly right.

IMO, the reason why some people cheat and others don't usually has more to do with their respective character traits than their circumstances. Everybody has an opportunity to cheat, most don't but, when asked, most admit that they would if they thought they could get away with it.

So what we can way about non-cheaters is that the reason they didn't is either because they were afraid of getting caught or they were one of those rare individuals who has a superior moral character.

This, then, tells us everything we need to know about why cheaters cheat -- they don't fall into either of the foregoing categories. I.e., they are neither of good moral character nor were they afraid of getting caught. The reason for the latter could be because they thought they wouldn't get caught or because they didn't care if they did (or both).

So, why did your H cheat on you? Because:

1) He is not an especially loyal or trustworthy person; and

2) He either didn't think you would find out or he thought that, if you did, you would forgive him (which you apparently have).

What this all boils down to is that your H cheated on you because he wanted to and because he thought -- correctly -- that he could get away with it.

I don't mean to imply with this post that you should not have forgiven him -- we are all imperfect and forgiveness is one of the most divine of all human traits. Only that you shouldn't spend to much mental or emotional effort on trying to figure out this part of his behavior. Rather, focus on what he is doing now and whether he is doing enough to make it worth your while to stay with him.

I hope these thoughts are helpful.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, You have helped me so much. I'm just sorry that it had to come from you going through what I'm going through now. My H told me this morning if I couldn't stop focusing on the past & try to work on what's here now. He's going to leave. Not because that's what he wants, But because he can't stand to watch me hurt anymore knowing he is the cause of my pain. I thought I was hiding it so well. That made me realize that if I want my marriage to work I've got to find a way to except that I will never get the answer as to WHY when we were so happy. That's what I've been hung up on & he don't even know the answer. I don't know where to start, But I've got to stop focusing on what he did & look at the fact that he's here & trying. He will never be able to answer all my questions & bringing them up is just keeping the pain going for both of us.


Devastated an lost

It took my WW almost six months to really see the pain I'm in and the love I have for her. My WW will never get it completely, at least in my opinion. I struggled with that and held it against her even though I had read here she won't get it. I struggled with why, and justice as well. For a very long time death seemed to be my only answer. Devastated I'm making strides to recover but it is a long process. I wish your husband would at least get that much. Telling you he is going to leave if you don't get over it is very insensitive. Not to mention ignorant. Perhaps he is seeing just lucky he was to have you and the pain is unbearable to him. Still no excuse to treat you that way. He should be showing his love back to you in comforting you when you are down. 

His pain will get much worse than it is now. That's normal, that means he's starting to see what he did. He sees what a selfish person he was. Something else I struggle with is now I realize my WW is capable of cheating. That's scary enough alone when you are trying to R. Rug sweeping will do neither of you any good. I suggest you take a hard line approach to bring him back to reality. How, well that depends on you. You have some choices to make just as he did with his affair. If I were you I would tell him go to her, I'll call her and let you know you're on your way. Then pick up the phone and call her husband. If you haven't exposed devastated, you need to. Take the "I'll go back to her" away from him. You hold the power as you are the person that needs to heal.

Take his power away by showing you are not afraid to live life without him. You will get better devastated but not by rug sweeping this affair. I go backwards still at ten months from d-day, what will you do? See if you can get counseling anywhere, county or state funded. Devastated, I'm so sorry you are going through this, I hate that I am myself as nobody deserves to be cheated on. But reality is I am here, and sadly you are too, but don't rug sweep this and never heal. Stay strong devastated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> Sorry to interrupt but yours, Devastated and lost, is a question that is asked over and over on TAM/CWI and Openminded's answer is one that is commonly given but which, for me, is at best only partly right.
> 
> IMO, the reason why some people cheat and others don't usually has more to do with their respective character traits than their circumstances. Everybody has an opportunity to cheat, most don't but, when asked, most admit that they would if they thought they could get away with it.
> 
> ...


Knowing my H like I do. I would say it's no. 2 He has all but said that in a round about way.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, he has poor boundary skills. It showed again with his secretary. There has to be a certain line on how much you let someone know you personally. The more you know someone intimately, the more that bond and connection forms. For some reason, he is more open to other people when you should be the person he should seek understanding from.

Now you know that you should not place anyone on a pedestal, and he was not the great guy you thought he was. Since he is off that pedestal, there are a lot more flaws than you originally thought.

For you to move on, you have to learn that you will be fine without him. Gaining that confidence and creating goals to achieve the necessary steps for you to be strong. The more you do to improve yourself, the more control you will have over your life.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I called an old childhood friend yesterday That I haven't seen in years & went to see her. Turns out she has been going through the same thing. She is still with her H. & having a hard time. Like me she had no one to talk to. It done us both a lot of good we sat & talked for hours. I'm so glad I thought of her & decided to make that call. I think this may be just what I needed..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

It is good that you have personal support, because as anonymous posters, there is a certain level of detachment. Your friend can give you better emotional support. She can hug you, have better back and forth dialogue, and it is easier to form a connection in person. Plus you can share with her your gained wisdom and she can in return.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I called an old childhood friend yesterday That I haven't seen in years & went to see her. Turns out she has been going through the same thing. She is still with her H. & having a hard time. Like me she had no one to talk to. It done us both a lot of good we sat & talked for hours. I'm so glad I thought of her & decided to make that call. I think this may be just what I needed..


Devastated an lost

I think this is going to be great for you to have a friend to confide in. A friend who will understand exactly what you are going through. Hopefully the two of you can meet often and support each other. I read my post from yesterday and noticed I forgot to mention something very important. You had posted your husband said he was here and trying. Did you happen to mention that you are still here and trying? After all he cased all this pain for you with his choice about both of yours marriage. You didn't deserve this devastated, actually nobody does, but your husband needs to get some empathy fast. I don't know how you are able to stay with what he has said, I know I couldn't. You are a strong person, keep up the good work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I think this is going to be great for you to have a friend to confide in. A friend who will understand exactly what you are going through. Hopefully the two of you can meet often and support each other. I read my post from yesterday and noticed I forgot to mention something very important. You had posted your husband said he was here and trying. Did you happen to mention that you are still here and trying? After all he cased all this pain for you with his choice about both of yours marriage. You didn't deserve this devastated, actually nobody does, but your husband needs to get some empathy fast. I don't know how you are able to stay with what he has said, I know I couldn't. You are a strong person, keep up the good work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, He thinks I'm not trying because after three months I still have days that I'm down. He is use to me being the one that's always in a good mood with a smile on my face. I'm the one that makes everybody laugh. He says he misses that person. Well so do I, But I don't know where she is or if she will ever be back. I'm doing the best I can. It's not like I'm bringing it up all the time, But if I'm not having much to say he incest on knowing why & then when I tell him he gets mad & says I'm not even trying. I think maybe I got through to him last night. We'll see this weekend I guess..


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, He thinks I'm not trying because after three months I still have days that I'm down. He is use to me being the one that's always in a good mood with a smile on my face. I'm the one that makes everybody laugh. He says he misses that person. Well so do I, But I don't know where she is or if she will ever be back. I'm doing the best I can. It's not like I'm bringing it up all the time, But if I'm not having much to say he incest on knowing why & then when I tell him he gets mad & says I'm not even trying. I think maybe I got through to him last night. We'll see this weekend I guess..


I hope you remind him that if he misses your usual happy smiley self, he has only himself to blame. YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness. And really, he should be focusing on helping you, not making you feel guilty for bringing him down. He really seems like he has no clue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

dignityhonorpride said:


> I hope you remind him that if he misses your usual happy smiley self, he has only himself to blame. YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness. And really, he should be focusing on helping you, not making you feel guilty for bringing him down. He really seems like he has no clue.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Devastated an lost

This post is exactly correct. You stayed true, loyal, honored your vows while your husband, well you know. My WW has days she can't look at me, cries all day, and says she doesn't deserve me. Some of this is words, some is actions. My WW shows remorse, regret, and guilt to the point she can hardly talk to me. Never once has she told me it was my fault, that I'm stuck, or that I am punishing her. I'm not, I'm simply devastated and crushed. WW is too, but your husband doesn't appear to be in my opinion. I hope you have a great weekend and stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Well it finally happened. He did a 180. He told me he don't Love or miss OW he just thought he Loved her, But now he sees She wasn't the person he thought she was. the feelings have turned to hate & anger for her. He sat down with me & answered my questions & took responsibility for what he did & told me how sorry he was for what it's done to us. I feel like we made a break through & things are looking up.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Well it finally happened. He did a 180. He told me he don't Love or miss OW he just thought he Loved her, But now he sees She wasn't the person he thought she was. the feelings have turned to hate & anger for her. He sat down with me & answered my questions & took responsibility for what he did & told me how sorry he was for what it's done to us. I feel like we made a break through & things are looking up.


If someone was needing something positive right about now, it was you.

Go slowly and carefully, make sure he's sincere.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Forest said:


> If someone was needing something positive right about now, it was you.
> 
> Go slowly and carefully, make sure he's sincere.


Thank you Forest. I was about ready to give up. This has give me a little hope that we just might make it through this mess..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I am sure he is revolted by himself too. Remember, the love he felt was just infatuation, and it was not the mature love that you have developed. I am sure if he learned about infatuation, and what it does, he will have a better understanding what went wrong, and why he needs to develop strong boundaries.

The infatuation stage is like a drug addiction. It messes with your logic, and does not allow you to see the flaws in the other person. Mature love is different, where you see the flaws, and accept the person. It is more of a choice love. It means working together and tackling the issues as a team. It is commitment. 

You may have to educate him as you learn too. He has to learn to be vulnerable is to trust, and it takes strength to be vulnerable. Afterall, your showing yourself, and not a mask, and hoping they understand and accept you, and all your flaws. Perhaps they can support you as you grow and try and eliminate those flaws, or minimize them as much as possible.

So help educate him if he feels uncomfortable asking others for advice. Share with him some of the things you learned, and perhaps he will read some of it himself.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Well it finally happened. He did a 180. He told me he don't Love or miss OW he just thought he Loved her, But now he sees She wasn't the person he thought she was. the feelings have turned to hate & anger for her. He sat down with me & answered my questions & took responsibility for what he did & told me how sorry he was for what it's done to us. I feel like we made a break through & things are looking up.


Devastated an lost

I cannot express to you how much joy I feel for you right now. You have an old friend you can talk to and your husband seems to be coming around. As with all good news comes caution though, you will still have setbacks with your husband. Your husband will never fully get it so understand that going in. Assuming your husband is sincere this will make R a better possibility but not easier. I don't mean to rain on your parade but to keep your perspective in check. You have received good news over the last couple of days and I am overjoyed for you. Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I cannot express to you how much joy I feel for you right now. You have an old friend you can talk to and your husband seems to be coming around. As with all good news comes caution though, you will still have setbacks with your husband. Your husband will never fully get it so understand that going in. Assuming your husband is sincere this will make R a better possibility but not easier. I don't mean to rain on your parade but to keep your perspective in check. You have received good news over the last couple of days and I am overjoyed for you. Stay strong!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On , Thank you for always being there for me. I know we have a long road ahead. I told my H this & that I will still have bad days. Some days when I wake up I still can't believe this has happened. He said he knows I'm doing the best I can & thanked me for not giving up on him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On , Thank you for always being there for me. I know we have a long road ahead. I told my H this & that I will still have bad days. Some days when I wake up I still can't believe this has happened. He said he knows I'm doing the best I can & thanked me for not giving up on him.


Devastated an lost

That is certainly good news to hear!! Unfortunately you both will have good and bad days. However, since your husband is now more understanding, it should provide you a little relief. I give credit to your strong character that you have hung in there after some of the comments he's made. You are stronger then you think and that strength is going to carry you through. I am wondering though as to what has made your husband turn himself around. That is huge for him to come to this level of understanding!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> That is certainly good news to hear!! Unfortunately you both will have good and bad days. However, since your husband is now more understanding, it should provide you a little relief. I give credit to your strong character that you have hung in there after some of the comments he's made. You are stronger then you think and that strength is going to carry you through. I am wondering though as to what has made your husband turn himself around. That is huge for him to come to this level of understanding!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, I really don't know we were having an intimate moment & he took my face in his hands & looked me in the eyes & just broke down crying & told me he Loved me & nobody but me & it just flowed from there. I had started to withdraw from him & had went to see my old childhood friend the day before. I think he may have seen that I was drifting away from him.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, I really don't know we were having an intimate moment & he took my face in his hands & looked me in the eyes & just broke down crying & told me he Loved me & nobody but me & it just flowed from there. I had started to withdraw from him & had went to see my old childhood friend the day before. I think he may have seen that I was drifting away from him.


Devastated an lost

Whatever the reason devastated you deserve dignity and compassion. You deserve far more but for lack of time I'll stop there. Perhaps he did feel you separating and he got scared. Scared you may leave him and not be the recipient of your love. Maybe he is afraid your friend will say to divorce. From my end I have no idea what made him turn over this new lead but I am happy for you. You deserved this from the beginning and didn't get his support. Stay strong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Well it finally happened. He did a 180. He told me he don't Love or miss OW he just thought he Loved her, But now he sees She wasn't the person he thought she was. the feelings have turned to hate & anger for her. He sat down with me & answered my questions & took responsibility for what he did & told me how sorry he was for what it's done to us. I feel like we made a break through & things are looking up.


speaking as a WS, these EA feelings run deep. This probably is the beginning of the end of his crush for her, which is allowing him to finally acknowledge the hurt he has caused you. But don't forget.....these feelings run deep........unless she does something to really hurt him, or you, ......well....those feelings run deep.

So.......you guys truly need to eliminate her from your lives, sooner than later. Please trust me on this. Guys in a true EA don't overnight go from a crush to hate.......


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> speaking as a WS, these EA feelings run deep. This probably is the beginning of the end of his crush for her, which is allowing him to finally acknowledge the hurt he has caused you. But don't forget.....these feelings run deep........unless she does something to really hurt him, or you, ......well....those feelings run deep.
> 
> So.......you guys truly need to eliminate her from your lives, sooner than later. Please trust me on this. Guys in a true EA don't overnight go from a crush to hate.......


I know what you mean. I feel he will always have feelings for her. it was an EA that turned into a PA. The day I caught them he told me he Loved her & I ask if he Loved her more than me. He said no, but he didn't Love her any less than me. That still haunts me every day. She made friends with me when she started seeing him so she could make up hurtful lies about me & done the same to me about him. She hurt him very bad. I can only hope that that will out way his feelings of Love..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I know what you mean. I feel he will always have feelings for her. it was an EA that turned into a PA. The day I caught them he told me he Loved her & I ask if he Loved her more than me. He said no, but he didn't Love her any less than me. That still haunts me every day. She made friends with me when she started seeing him so she could make up hurtful lies about me & done the same to me about him. She hurt him very bad. I can only hope that that will out way his feelings of Love..


Devastated an lost

Everybody is different, my WW still had feelings for her OM two and a half years after her affair ended. I attribute most of this to they were still friends though. After she confessed her feelings towards the OM changed ever so slowly. When my WW saw me going downhill and nothing to help me is when she realized many things. WW's OM also made it a point to be so nice to me whenever he saw me. Like he wanted to be friends but I never really wanted to be friends with him. This was even before the affair. Devastated, your husband has made bad choices, said rude comments, but he appears to realize what a great person he is in jeopardy of losing. Give him time and he will come around, continue to work on yourself and you may just be one of the happy stories on TAM. Stay strong and god bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Everybody is different, my WW still had feelings for her OM two and a half years after her affair ended. I attribute most of this to they were still friends though. After she confessed her feelings towards the OM changed ever so slowly. When my WW saw me going downhill and nothing to help me is when she realized many things. WW's OM also made it a point to be so nice to me whenever he saw me. Like he wanted to be friends but I never really wanted to be friends with him. This was even before the affair. Devastated, your husband has made bad choices, said rude comments, but he appears to realize what a great person he is in jeopardy of losing. Give him time and he will come around, continue to work on yourself and you may just be one of the happy stories on TAM. Stay strong and god bless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On, Thank you so much. You always say what I need to hear. Even though things have been going well the last few days I got up this morning & it hit me like a brick in the face. That this has really happened. It's funny how you can think you've come so far & the hurt comes flooding back like day one. Sorry, I'm just having a bad day & needed to talk about it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I am so happy your H is starting to shift out of the fog. 

It will be super important that he not force you to recover too fast especially with threatening to leave. Tell him, I live in your state and I will come hunt him down if he does that to you again. lol

That's not cool at all... you have experienced a trauma on the level of a natural disaster, your whole reality was obliterated. It takes 2 to 5 years to recover and that's the AVERAGE. Pugnacious is still dealing with it five years later, so sorry... he doesn't get off that easy. The BEST choice he can make right now is to give you the gift of patience and love to love you through this process. He needs to accept it as part of his consequences. And not make it worse.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I am so happy your H is starting to shift out of the fog.
> 
> It will be super important that he not force you to recover too fast especially with threatening to leave. Tell him, I live in your state and I will come hunt him down if he does that to you again. lol
> 
> That's not cool at all... you have experienced a trauma on the level of a natural disaster, your whole reality was obliterated. It takes 2 to 5 years to recover and that's the AVERAGE. Pugnacious is still dealing with it five years later, so sorry... he doesn't get off that easy. The BEST choice he can make right now is to give you the gift of patience and love to love you through this process. He needs to accept it as part of his consequences. And not make it worse.


Blossom, Maybe I should get you to come & talk to him for me.. Lol


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Blossom, Maybe I should get you to come & talk to him for me.. Lol


Ring me up, I would be glad to...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On, Thank you so much. You always say what I need to hear. Even though things have been going well the last few days I got up this morning & it hit me like a brick in the face. That this has really happened. It's funny how you can think you've come so far & the hurt comes flooding back like day one. Sorry, I'm just having a bad day & needed to talk about it.


Devastated an lost

Not a big fan of roller casters are you? I'm kidding. At least your not on the tilt-a-hurl I mean whirl!!! As long as you keep getting up from the hits you're doing fine. Just remember feelings are fleeting and they will pass. I'm not saying its easy but feelings are different then emotions. Soon you won't even know if you're on the big hill or the little hill. Keep doing what you're doing you'll get through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Ring me up, I would be glad to...


Uh oh!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lol

Yes, D & L and I have exchanged numbers... be afraid.. be very afraid... LOL.. JK!

I can be a silly girl..

No I am just willing to be a local support should they need it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> lol
> 
> Yes, D & L and I have exchanged numbers... be afraid.. be very afraid... LOL.. JK!
> 
> ...


Lol.. Blossom I'm working on getting an attitude Like yours..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:smthumbup: it will be good to gain more strength as you navigate this in the strength you already have!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> :smthumbup: it will be good to gain more strength as you navigate this in the strength you already have!


I'm getting there. Learning as I go.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you tried creating a list of goals, and the small goals that will help you achieve the bigger goals? As you cross the goals off your list, the accomplishment , pride will help you want to accomplish more. As you knock off the goals one by one, you will have this need to keep hammering them away, and it brings a lot of focus into your life. It will build your esteem, thus making you stronger.

For instance. Goal: I want to be financially independent.

1. Create a social network.
2. Learn to save.
3. Organize all bills.
4. Learn new skills.
5. Take classes at a community college to learn those skills.
6.Do some volunteer work to gain experience.
7. Branch out.
8. See if any of my hobbies can bring extra money.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Have you tried creating a list of goals, and the small goals that will help you achieve the bigger goals? As you cross the goals off your list, the accomplishment , pride will help you want to accomplish more. As you knock off the goals one by one, you will have this need to keep hammering them away, and it brings a lot of focus into your life. It will build your esteem, thus making you stronger.
> 
> For instance. Goal: I want to be financially independent.
> 
> ...


Mr. Fisty, I'm working on a list very similar to this. Thanks to all the good people & advice I got from TAM. I have accomplished a couple of them.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:woohoo:


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost


Sorry, just having fun.

1. Create a social list. Done, you exchanged numbers with Blossom Leigh!! 
2. Learn to save. Done, let Blossom Leigh pay.
3. Organize all bills. Done, they are in alphabetical order.
4. Learn new skills. Done, don't tell what your new skills are.
5. Take course at community college for number four. Done, do they teach sharpshooting?
6. Volunteer work. Done, volunteer at nearest hospital. Now you know if five paid off!
7. Branch out. Working on it.
8. See if new hobbies have monetary value. Working on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

giggle...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> 
> Sorry, just having fun.
> ...


I will get right on it.. lol


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I will get right on it.. lol


Devastated an lost


I am elated at the strength you are exhibiting! You are far and above where I was at after b-day. I agree wholeheartedly that you may still be devastated, but you certainly are not lost. Probably going to have to change your name on here. You are in luck as I have a few suggestions for your new name.

Devastated but kicking a$$ / devastating an powerful / devastated an in a rage / formerly devastated an lost

Or go in a different direction altogether

Blossoms muscle


Stay strong and God bless.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

:rofl:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> 
> I am elated at the strength you are exhibiting! You are far and above where I was at after b-day. I agree wholeheartedly that you may still be devastated, but you certainly are not lost. Probably going to have to change your name on here. You are in luck as I have a few suggestions for your new name.
> ...


I have wandered if I changed my name if everybody would still know it was me. Has anybody else changed their name on here?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EI did. EI is the abbreviation of what it was before which I don't remember.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have wandered if I changed my name if everybody would still know it was me. Has anybody else changed their name on here?


Devastated

If you can change your name let me know and I'll give you more suggestions! In the meantime you can consider these.

D&L no more
D&L sniper graduate
BL & D&L TAM's Thelma & Louise

Stay strong and God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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