# how to win my wife's heart back?



## sadashell

Hi there,

My first thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/274674-really-over.html

My wife told me that she needs space to find herself. She wants us to separate (not legally yet.) She has never lived on her own since we've been married. Marriage was very difficult. I was an emotional abuser for the first years, coming from a family where there were no limits on how one should treat people. I went to therapy and learned a lot about how to control my temper, how to listen to my wife and I've also been diagnosed with adhd with impulsivity. Sex life has never been great. She told me she doesn't want to have sex because she desires me, but not all the time and she just doesn't feel she needs it right now. 

My wife started counselling and says that she needs time on her own to create a base for her. She tells me that when things go bad in our marriage, she feels like the whole world is ending because she has not got herself a solid base. She also tells me that she needs time to know if she wants to continue the relation or not. She tells me that she likes to be around me but she needs to confirm her feelings for me. She acknowledges that I've changed, that I should continue my counseling and that she wishes the best for me in the long run. She says that she will always be there for me no matter what. She says that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore because it's not correct for me to live like walking on eggs all the time because she's been irritated because she hasn't been able to forgive me and herself for our actions in the past. She says she's tired and wants to rest. She doesn't want to be with anyone else and if that happens, she will tell me for sure. Yet, she speaks like we're never going to get back together, or at least, she's not optimist like I am. 

I said we are now at that point in the relationship that we both need time apart to figure out what happened, to focus on being better persons and that this will make us be happy in the long run, being together or not. Of course, I wish I could get back with my wife because I really love her. 

She has been showing me studios she's been visiting and almost wanted me to go visit them with her. I told her that she should go alone and choose the one she wishes, I don't want to intervene on this because she's been telling me for a long time that I always tell her what to do. I don't want to have a major influence on her decision where she will spend the next couple months. One thing that makes me sad is that most lease agreements are for 12 months and she seems to be OK with this....

She always hugs me a lot, saying she's sorry, she tries to kiss me but I do not let her do this because it's not cool with me. It will hurt me even more. She's crying and I'm not sure how to answer? Be there or be distant and she will think I don't care about her anymore! 

I was thinking of doing the 180? What do you guys recommend me? Should I be like all helping her move out and stuff. She will most probably leave by the end of January because most leases start on february 1st. I guess showing confidence and seeing like I care for her and make her wish easier might be good in the long run...she might have a positive last experience with me. 

Thank you for your help.


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## Marc878

If she wants to separate you can't stop her. 

Separation usually means divorce as there is no connection or working on the marriage, etc.

If you're smart do the 180, being needy, clingy, crying will show her you are weak which is very unnattractive. She wants space give it to her.

I'm assuming you have rules? No dating others, etc?

Do not help her in any way she wants space give it to her. 

I'd have a a time line of say 6 months and then file for divorce since she probably isn't coming back. Or up front if she's never coming back anyway just say when you move out lets just end it. File then. It's up you if you want to waste time/ life on this.


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## sadashell

Marc878 said:


> If she wants to separate you can't stop her.
> 
> Separation usually means divorce as there is no connection or working on the marriage, etc.
> 
> If you're smart do the 180, being needy, clingy, crying will show her you are weak which is very unnattractive. She wants space give it to her.
> 
> I'm assuming you have rules? No dating others, etc?
> 
> Do not help her in any way she wants space give it to her.
> 
> I'd have a a time line of say 6 months and then file for divorce since she probably isn't coming back. Or up front if she's never coming back anyway just say when you move out lets just end it. File then. It's up you if you want to waste time/ life on this.


I don't understand why you say she is not coming back. Anyways, we have to be 1 year living apart before we can file for divorce here. She told me she needs time on her own to think, but she'll mainly focus on herself and then see what her heart tells her. 2 minutes ago, she hugged me and started crying. It's not the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be with someone. Here when we use the word separation, it means taking a break apart. 

I understand your point of view where separation does not imply work on the marriage, but it might be work on ourselves which may lead to a better marriage. I know people here (where I live) aren't really christians or religious, but a lot of couple separate and then come back together months later and are happy. They usually slow things down and start appreciate small moments (dates etc.) with the other person and build a new relationship.


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## jld

Have you read this?

Reconciliation with a Hardened Wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

sadashell said:


> I don't understand why you say she is not coming back. Anyways, we have to be 1 year living apart before we can file for divorce here. She told me she needs time on her own to think, but she'll mainly focus on herself and then see what her heart tells her. 2 minutes ago, she hugged me and started crying. It's not the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be with someone. Here when we use the word separation, it means taking a break apart.
> 
> I understand your point of view where separation does not imply work on the marriage, but it might be work on ourselves which may lead to a better marriage. I know people here (where I live) aren't really christians or religious, but a lot of couple separate and then come back together months later and are happy. They usually slow things down and start appreciate small moments (dates etc.) with the other person and build a new relationship.


Not from what I've seen. Separation most often is to make time for someone else ( check your phone bills) or a bridge to divorce because they just can't seem to do it up front cold turkey and need to keep a plan B in place.

Hey, I hope it works out for you. But you are here for a reason. You are seeking opinions/answers.


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## Marc878

Just looked at your other thread. Sounds like a mail order bride that used you to get her ticket here. Now that she got what she wanted you're being dumped. 

IMO file now and don't waste yor time/life on this foolishness.


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## sadashell

Marc878 said:


> Just looked at your other thread. Sounds like a mail order bride that used you to get her ticket here. Now that she got what she wanted you're being dumped.
> 
> IMO file now and don't waste yor time/life on this foolishness.


what makes you think so?


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## Marc878

sadashell said:


> what makes you think so?


Reread your threads pretend it's not you. What conclusion would you draw?


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## sadashell

Marc878 said:


> Reread your threads pretend it's not you. What conclusion would you draw?


Well, that's not the case...she had a pretty good life in her own country. She did even more money than here.


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## Marc878

Ignore the signs if you wish but time will tell. It always does.

Usually there is another OM in the mix or soon will be. Read some other threads yours is not so unique.

Sorry you're here.


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## Emmi

I see from your first post that she first wanted to leave a while back, how have you been working on your marriage since then?

Have you tried marriage counselling? That can be helpful for both to find out what you really want and to help heal even if the marriage doesn't work out. In my marriage it is helping a lot, and it helped my husband decide to stay and work on it rather than leave to be on his own.


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## Ynot

OP, Marc is just being honest with you. Separation is typically the prelude to divorce. I don't know about another man, or some one else lurking on the sidelines and won't even begin to speculate on that. Your wife is telling you she is leaving, you are taking hope that the separation means eventually reconciliation, since it is isn't divorce. But as Marc mentioned it is typically the first step.

I didn't read your first thread, but given the abundance of opportunities that the world presents to each of us, if in fact your wife is a mail order bride, I would say that this speaks volumes of your lack of self confidence. 

You need to do the 180 but NOT FOR HER or to get her back. Instead you should do it for you. Do not look at the 180 as turning from her 180 degrees or as turning from your marriage 180 degrees. Rather look at as turning from your present self 180 degrees. Where you are today is the sum result of every decision you have ever made. You are not happy. Your marriage is falling apart and you are grasping for something to hang onto (hence your rejection of Marc's advice). It is the person you are today that is making you unhappy, forcing your wife away (although it is probably an illusion she was ever really "yours" to begin with) and leaving you reeling. Seize this opportunity to become a better version of your self. Focus on you for you. Become rationally selfish for the first time in your life.

You only live one life. Don't waste it!


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## arbitrator

*"Change" is the biggest predicating factor that I can think of! Not only a change in personal temperament, but in physical change as well! 

But that must be done in the confines with embracing "the 180!" 

Go to the gym, work out, jog, run, lose weight if you need to ~ but let her occasionally see the results of your labor! Also let her be a witness to your change in emotional demeanor!

If she still largely remains unimpressed by these newfound changes, then don't worry ~ some other deserving woman will!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadashell

I don't understand why you all think my wife is a mail order bride? I didn't pay for her to come here. I met her in her own country, we had a relationship there. She was a professionnal with a good job. She didn't need to come to Canada to be saved from poverty. 

She told me yesterday that she still feels something for me but she needs time to heal what happened in the past. She told me she won't be seeing anybody and will remain faithfull. She asked me to wait for her to contact me first.


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## Homer j

Oh crap. I knew I could be an a$$ but didn't realize I could be that big of one. I've read stuff like this 50 times. I'd bet almost word for word. Why does it take catastrophic failure before the light bulb goes on??


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## Homer j

Sorry was talking about the hardened wife article. I meant to grab it and didnt


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## Marduk

Paging @DayOne


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## sadashell

marduk said:


> Paging @DayOne


????


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## Marduk

sadashell said:


> ????


He's a guy who's been there. For different reasons.


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## sadashell

marduk said:


> He's a guy who's been there. For different reasons.


Did his story finished on a positive note?


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## Marduk

sadashell said:


> Did his story finished on a positive note?


Extremely.

But he has a rare level of integrity and introspection.


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## sadashell

I hope he can help me!


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## DayOne

sadashell said:


> how to win my wife's heart back?


First things first, you can't 'win' her back. Let's make that clear. So I'd suggest you stop thinking that way. 

I've had a look at your two threads. Yes, you're in a mess. You've both acted in very destructive and hurtful ways to each other. She's doing what she needs to do right now. Separating, to get space to clear her head. From what you've said (at least your side of what's happened) it seems like she still loves you. Or at least the idea of still loving you.

But, given all that has happened, even if there have been some changes for the better, it's not surprising she is confused. Undecided as to whether she wants to keep trying.

BUT, that's not your concern right now. Chasing her, trying to 'win' her back, will only push her away. She doesn't need you right now. She needs to figure herself out.

And YOU need to figure yourself out. THAT'S your goal. Don't focus on the relationship. Get to work on yourself. 

You've mentioned that you have realised you have problems, your own problems. Work on those. Find out what's 'broken' with you. And work on making you better. Get into counselling (or continue it). Go to the gym. It's a great way of burning off anxiety, and getting in shape. and never EVER say to her anything like "look, i'm changing! See?" She'll see it for herself and decide if it's real.

Work on you. And let her work on her. If you get back together it will have to be as two different people. Not the ones who separated.

She may come back, she may not. But you have to accept the 'may not' part, no matter how it hurts. But if she comes back, it's because she chooses to, not because you changed just enough to 'win' her back.


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## jebadoa

I agree that you need to work on yourself. And one way you can do that is by reading about ways to handle your situation. If you want her back, start educating yourself about the right ways to do that. I recommend a book called 'How To Win Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late' by Gary Smalley. It deals with reconciling a marriage even with a separation. It will show you what to do and what NOT to do. I'm not saying it will fix things, but it's filled with good things to know.

You both should also go see a Christian counselor together and apart. If she really wants to 'figure things out' she will agree to go.

Finally, make sure you are seeking God and His kingdom. Your relationship with him is the most important. Pray that she is filled with the love of Jesus, with a heart of compassion and grace. She needs to feel His love in order to feel yours and give you hers. God can fix this. Take care brother.


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## the guy

I think you should help her pack.

That way she can't take all your stuff.

You don't want her to take all your records...wait CD's...wait...never mind.

The point is she can't take your favorite cereal bowl, kitchen knife, bath towel or even your favorite pillow.

So ya help your old lady pack her shyt...but let her pick her own place....cuz if her new place sucks she will blame you.


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## Evinrude58

sadashell said:


> I don't understand why you all think my wife is a mail order bride? I didn't pay for her to come here. I met her in her own country, we had a relationship there. She was a professionnal with a good job. She didn't need to come to Canada to be saved from poverty.
> 
> She told me yesterday that she still feels something for me but she needs time to heal what happened in the past. She told me she won't be seeing anybody and will remain faithfull. She asked me to wait for her to contact me first.


Your thoughts are misguided foolishness, aggravated by pipe dreams made of vain hope.
What you are doing is listening to a bunch of hooey designed to blind you to the truth. You're not seeing what she is DOING, just what she's saying. 

Fact: she is separating from you.
Fact: she's leasing and you know leases are for a while.
Fact: she doesn't want to have sex with you
Fact: she's been wanting to leave for a long time.
Fact: you fill in some.

Fiction: she needs time to think
Fiction: she's not going to see other men
Fiction: she is still thinking she might come back

I hope you are able to let go and work toward a future without your wife, because that's the future you MUST accept in order to move forward. Maybe there's a chance I'm all wrong and your wife might give things another chance. If you don't move forward, there's zero chance of that happening. Where you are now--- she's leaving.
Most likely you're better off without her and can't see it yet.

I'm sorry but you need to hear this. Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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