# Husband may be having a second affair (EA/PA unknown)



## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Hi, I'm not usually one to just jump right into a forum and start posting walls of text, but I'm losing my mind a little bit and hope some strangers can help me find clarity. 

I believe my husband of 13 years is in the midst of his second affair. I am not sure; I cannot prove it with any certainty. What I *do* know of his past and our current circumstances, though, has my gut screaming "AFFAIR!"

Here's what I know...

*Deep Background First*:
1. _He's done this before_.
- The first affair was several years ago, with his ex-fiancee (who had left him before we met). Emotional affair that he claimed never became physical. I had no idea. I thought we were fine and one day he told me out of the blue that he'd been in secret contact with her for over a year. He only told me because she called the house one day and hung up when I answered - he thought I might be suspicious.

2. _We are both extremely unhappy and have been for some time_.
- I've tried to talk to him in the past, but he's completely closed off. I allowed myself to shut down emotionally in reaction to years of neglect (well after his first affair, which he never allowed me to really process).

3. _I have since discovered mementos of the relationship with this other woman in a drawer in his office_.
- She's dead now, so that provides some certainty that the ongoing relationship with her is over, but it turns out he never did get rid of the cards, letters and photos. He just hid them better.

4. _His father died of cancer a few years ago and mid-life has caught him_.
- Not much to add to that; mid-life crisis is cliched for a reason.

5. _Our sex life is nonexistent_.
- He blames his diabetes, which is now under control. For reasons that I hope will become clear in the next section, I no longer buy this excuse.

*More recent developments (last month or so)*:

Before I start on this, I know that any one of these issues on its own, or maybe even two combined, could be completely innocent. It's the combination of it all that gives me trouble.

1. _Early last month I caught him watching porn_.
- This is not something he does at home; I cannot vouch for what he does on frequent business trips. He thought I was asleep; I wasn't. I watched him watching it for a while, then said I could not believe he was watching that right now, in bed with me. First he denied watching it, then said he didn't know what it was, then said he'd thought it was a comedy and was actually sleeping.

I call bulls***. It was Cinemax, after midnight, and he used the TiVo guide to find the channel he wanted and tune to it (where it was clearly marked "Adult"). I know this because I was fully awake when he went through the maneuver.

2. _A few days later, I came home early from work to hear him say "I love you, too. I'll talk to you later tonight" to a person on the phone_.
- I had surgery fairly recently and had just returned to the office. He did not expect me early, and he certainly did not expect to see me downstairs in the basement where his office is. I asked him who was on the phone. He said it was a conference call. "You say '_I love you_' to conference calls?" I asked. He said I'd misheard.

3. _Phone records show a rotten trend_.
- Hours and hours of phone calls, at all times of day and night, to one number. She works for the same company, and may well work out of her home, as my husband does, but one doesn't generally phone one's colleagues at 11pm, right?

4. _A mysterious trip_.
- He'd been telling me for some weeks about a business trip he had coming up, to the same area where this woman happens to live, which would require his being gone from a Friday morning, through the weekend, through the next week and weekend, to return on a Sunday 10 days after he departed. After he told the conference call that he loved it, that trip was miraculously shortened to a single weekend. The enormous amount of work that was to have been required magically evaporated.

5. _Now he's getting help_.
- I asked him years ago to get help for his anger issues and attend marital counseling with me, as I knew the relationship was sinking. He refused. He was too busy and we could not afford it. Just a week or so ago I found anti-depressants which he's been taking for about a month, apparently, without ever telling me.

6. _How many watches do you own again_?
- My husband always disliked jewelry. I gave him a dress watch early in our relationship and he never wore it. He has, however, recently developed a fascination with more utilitarian watches and so I purchased one for him for his birthday. He wears it every day that he is home. However, in yet another drawer in his office, which I opened after discovering the item in my next point, I found *two* empty watch boxes, not one. He does not have the box for the dress watch I gave him 16 years ago. This is a second, unknown watch that I have never seen, nor heard tell of. He says it is a recent purchase, made because it looks like his father's old watch.

7. _And the kicker_.
- While rummaging through his truck looking for an electronic gadget belonging to my kids, I found a book. A book about deciding whether your marriage is worth saving, or if you should just bail. So he is at the very least considering leaving, without having spoken one word to me about it.

He, of course, has explanations for everything. And they might even be reasonable, except for the fact that I had to write a wall of text to put it all in context.

I know we're both miserable; I've asked him to get help; I've volunteered to get help. Always the same response - _I'm too busy and we can't afford it_. He's agreed to counseling now, but I don't know how invested I want to be in that at this point.

He's been on an annual trip to visit his mother this week. The kids always go with him. Work kept me home, which is just as well, because we had a huge blow up last Friday which had me wanting him anywhere, *anywhere at all* but here.

I'm 99.9% sure this is another affair, and that this one may actually have turned sexual. Am I as off my rocker as he would have me? Advice? Head-banging? Beatings? I'm wide open right now - my equilibrium is completely shot.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I would be trying to prove it if I were you. And I don't think you will have to look very hard.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Sounds like an affair to me. Get proof and get it quick. Also, you should begin thinking about whether or not you are willing to work through this again...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

it-guy said:


> I would be trying to prove it if I were you. And I don't think you will have to look very hard.


Why? I think there's all the proof one needs.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Hard proof is problematic. His computer is a laptop from work that's password protected (arrives that way from the office, as does mine), so no keylogger. He does travel for business legitimately (and frequently), so I can't watch for strange absences. As I said, the woman I believe to be the OW does work in the same company, so there are legitimate reasons (potentially) to talk to her. He is a completely remote employee - we live several states away from corporate offices - so I know none of his coworkers, nor can I arrange to simply "run in" to anyone. 

He's really got himself the perfect little set-up for a cheater.

Until this past Friday he was completely oblivious and laboring under the laughable idea that he was the _only_ unhappy person in this house. I informed him otherwise that evening, which seemed to have shocked him a bit.

I've also purchased my own copy of his book, read it cover to cover, and informed him that according to it, *I* should be leaving *him*.

I've started my 180 already, getting a super new haircut, being virtuously chipper on the phone, not calling but forcing him to call me instead. My boss called me this afternoon and told me the promotion I proposed 4 weeks ago is coming through, along with a decent raise. Of course, I thoroughly enjoyed passing that tidbit along. :smthumbup:

I'm not as financially dependent on him as I was with the first affair, thanks to a few years of careful planning and hard work. I can leave and basically support myself and my kids if I need/want to.

I'm totally ambivalent right now, with the crazy mood swings that come in the aftermath. I remember loving him once, I remember a good man, one that I wouldn't mind at all being married to again.

I just don't know if he still lives inside the man who shares my house today. I don't even know, sometimes, if I still care. The excess baggage fees are starting to get to be a little much.

I know I have to give the counseling a try for my *own* peace of mind, but I'm very skeptical. Which of course, is not the attitude for the best prognosis. *shrugs*

Thanks for the replies. I needed the reality check.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Well, as far as proof goes, can you get access to his cell phone records? Do you know if they are texting? IMHO the first thing to decides is whether or not you want to stay.... If you don't, then there is no reason to worry about all of this anyway....


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

The cell phones are in my name, so I have total access to that as well as the landline (also in my name). He has a smartphone, though. The texting has not been significant in terms of volume, but it has been there.

I just don't want my lack of trust to make me see an affair where there may not be one, and check out prematurely. I haven't actually directly confronted him about it yet. I've asked questions about each issue, but appeared to accept his explanation for each. As dense as he is when it comes to me, I doubt he's added it all up and realized the depth of my suspicion yet.

The Friday night fight was about other issues - long-term hurts and grievances, resentments, etc, that I, in my doormat-paralysis, had not forced through his skull before.

The first counseling session is Tuesday. I intend to confront him with this there, as he usually steamrolls and deflects. A third party may help to neutralize that.

I know I need to decide. I just haven't been able to yet. I'm having a good day today, feeling relatively whole and detached, but just two days ago I was reading all of the "How to Save Your Marriage" literature. I may have accidentally OD'd on it.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

Are you able to read what the texts say? You need to find a way to find out what they say.... it will be telling. 

You don't want to rush yourself in the decision....

Make and intelligent, informed and level-headed decision.... And after that, don't waver. You must be strong in whatever path you take.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I cannot get to the actual message bodies through the website. I don't know if the carrier keeps copies of SMS messages, or if so, for how long, or if I can get them. I could not if the phone were in anyone else's name, but since it's in mine, maybe. It hadn't occured to me before to call Verizon and ask.


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## Gfxbss (Dec 24, 2010)

That would be the next logical step. I know that under subpoena, they have them... under other circumstances, I dunno.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

You can't get the chat logs unless the authorities request it. You really have all the proof you need from 1 incident; He said I love you to a conference call. That is in no way a logical explanation. 

All the signs are there. You're both unhappy, he's had an EA before, new behavior (porn,) frequent calls to the same number. You might want to consider hitting this with full force sooner than later if you want to save your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 30yrslost (Apr 9, 2011)

You don't need anymore proof, you have to go with your gut . Stay strong and take care of your self.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

All out in the open now. I found a recipt for condoms purchased on a so-called "business trip" (Valentine's Day, no less), and the gift receipt for the watch from her to him, along with a note about his Christmas visit to her house. I also found a credit card bill showing he owes about $2k more than he's admitting.

He has now confirmed all of it (sex, trinkets, trysts, etc). He is driving back from his mother's house now and will arrive late tonight. He has until he gets home to decide if he wants this marriage and this family or not. If so, we'll call the mistress from the speaker phone and he'll break it off. I will block her number on his cell, and he will contact his boss tomorrow to say he can no longer work with her. Then we'll go to counseling. 

If not, he can pack a bag and find another place to stay. I told him if he makes a single call or text to her between now and when he arrives, I will know and that will make his decision clear.

Bastard.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Bastard is right...


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I have a big box of mistress-given gifts that are going back to her today, along with a note from me that says "Your services are no longer required."

The husband is grieving the loss of his floozy, but he'll get over it. As long as he keeps his grief out of my sight, it will pass.

He would not call her last night (it ended up being 3am), so the phone call to her is this evening after the boys are put to bed. He *is* calling his boss today.

He kept asking me why I wasn't throwing him out, needling me and pushing my buttons. I have no intention of making leaving easy for him. 

His fog is crazy - he remembers nothing good right now. But he's starting to come around, I think, beginning to realize that his memory is whacked at the moment, and has been for some time.

Either that, or he's a really good liar. Probably both. Obviously, he's at least a decent liar. He should go on the stage.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Peachy....what a state to be in! But atleast its all out in the open now and the two of you can decide on your future.

The diabetic thing - I became type 2 about 4 years ago. Didn't and hasn't affected my 'ability to perform'. However, even though its controlled you never feel 100%... Everything takes longer to heal...a kitchen burn, a small cut etc and getting over flu etc takes longer. I am not sticking up for him, but diabetes can and often does affect everything.
One thing I am dreading is my diabetes affecting my ability to get hard etc.... I am in a sexless marriage....I want to make best use of my equipment before it is broken beyond repair!!!

Its possible that your husband didnt think you gave him enough support (sexual)....that you didnt re-assure him that whether he had diabetes or whether it took him an hour to get hard etc that you still loved him no matter....

I can also empathise with him keeping afew 'keepsakes' as memories from his time with the lady who has since died. I was in exactly the same boat except she was killed. I have the odd keepsake...Its not as if I think about her all the time, but I certainly haven't, and never will, forget her.

I don't know....maybe you weren't giving him what he wanted in your marriage so looked for 'it' elsewhere....

Please don't think I am laying the blame at your feet...it is quite possible that you have been the 'perfect' wife and he has been a complete and utter egoistic $hit....

You have one good thing going for you both now....its out, you know, he has admitted it...once you have both calmed down you can talk openly....why he did what he did (beware...he might say that he finds you plain boring...??!!!)....get it all out in the open..including the hurt etc he has caused you...then decide whether you think there is any hope....if there is, you BOTH have to compromise....

If he wants a blow job whilst hanging by his legs upside down in a tree then DO IT...
If you want him to wear ***** cat mask whilst he bonks you hard over the kitchen table then he'll have to DO IT!!

If however you both decide there is no hope, then please divorce as soon and as painlessly as possible...especially for the childrens sakes.

Sorry this is a bit long winded!!!!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I did support him as he's gone through the diabetic issues, and actively reassured him regarding the sex whenever he gave me the opportunity. My point here is that he was having sex with *her*, not with *me*, and blaming his diabetes to *me* when he was actually functioning.

The keepsakes are not from the dead girlfriend, but from the live mistress. He doesn't get to keep those. His emotional attachments to gifts from another woman, with whom he had a sexual relationship for over a year, are part of the *problem*, not a solution or a sop he in any way deserves.

I have not been the perfect wife by any means. I fully and freely admit I have my faults and have contributed to the downward spiral, but I am not the harridan he would make me out to be. Nor do I take *ANY* responsibility for his affair(s). We were both in the same bad marriage - I didn't go screw somebody else because I was unhappy and unfulfilled and blah, blah, blah. _He did_.

And you can take your bj advice and shove it. I tried that. *He was too busy screwing her and lying to me to care*.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Wow, I'm glad you exposed it. I wish I could find proof. I think it's the only way to at least halfway snap them out of their fantasy world. Once they realize others know what they are up to and they are going to be held responsible for their actions, it's a little easier to see through the fog. No one in my family or friend circle gets this. I wish I could find something!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

I don't need further snooping. I have receipts, love notes, phone records, emails. I have confronted him already and the affair is confirmed. If you refer back to the first page, you should see that I agreed to counseling provided he made a complete break. Since he's doing that, I'm committed 100% to making this work, including examining and addressing my own part in making things so bad between us.

My rant was a direct reaction to a poster who focused on one single issue (without even fully comprehending that issue), felt badly that I was making my cheating husband return the love tokens, proceeded to lecture me on how it was really all my fault, and oh-so-helpfully suggested a blow job.

I am tired of being told my husband's moral and ethical failure is my fault. I didn't put a gun to his head.

And yes, I probably am overreacting a bit. I've been living with the accusation that everything that is wrong, is wrong because of me, for 7 years. He told me years ago he'd broken it off with the girlfriend (1st affair), only I've just found emails stating he planned to visit her this past October. He's been lying and making this my fault for *years*. I'm just not tolerating that suggestion any more - I did not *make* him cheat, multiple times, with multiple partners, for 7 years.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Absolutly agree, the affair is fully his doing, any keepsakes are his excuse to continue the affair. Do no let him blame you is any way for the affair, he chose to cheat therefore he takes the blame. If he is not totaly committed to you and your marriage then make a decision for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Peachy - my reference to a bj whilst hanging from a tree was 100% tongue in cheek, as was my refernce to you wanting him to wear a cat mask whilst he 'pleasured' you over the kitchen table!

Whilst I said that maybe you weren't giving your husband what he wanted, I also said that it is quite possible the you were the perfect wife and he was an egoistic $hit...

All I was saying was that as its all out in the open now, the TWO of you can now make a joint decision; do you BOTH want to work at the marriage (and that means you both making compromises) or you BOTH believe the marriage is over....in which case get it over and done with asap.

As one poster said....you don't appear to have said what YOU want... Do YOU want to work at the marriage (again) or throw the towel in? You also have a choice.

When you seek help on TAM you will get genuine answers - we're strangers, we have nothing to lose or gain! We all have different opinions, experiences etc. Some responses will strike a chord with you some may not. 
I responded because I have marital problems, am diabetic, have keepsakes etc....

I'm sorry if you didn't like what I said, but I was honest and speaking from the heart. Would you rather I was a total fake and told you only what you'd like to hear?

Whatever Peachy, I truly hope that you work things out, even if it means you agree to divorce.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> I have a big box of mistress-given gifts that are going back to her today, along with a note from me that says "Your services are no longer required."
> 
> The husband is grieving the loss of his floozy, but he'll get over it. As long as he keeps his grief out of my sight, it will pass.
> 
> ...


Your attitude towards the situation and your husband right now is amazing. Love your wit, too.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

jezza said:


> If he wants a blow job whilst hanging by his legs upside down in a tree then DO IT...
> If you want him to wear ***** cat mask whilst he bonks you hard over the kitchen table then he'll have to DO IT!!
> 
> If however you both decide there is no hope, then please divorce as soon and as painlessly as possible...especially for the childrens sakes.
> ...


Errr... what?


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

just_peachy said:


> I don't need further snooping. I have receipts, love notes, phone records, emails. I have confronted him already and the affair is confirmed. If you refer back to the first page, you should see that I agreed to counseling provided he made a complete break. Since he's doing that, I'm committed 100% to making this work, including examining and addressing my own part in making things so bad between us.
> 
> My rant was a direct reaction to a poster who focused on one single issue (without even fully comprehending that issue), felt badly that I was making my cheating husband return the love tokens, proceeded to lecture me on how it was really all my fault, and oh-so-helpfully suggested a blow job.
> 
> ...


Peachy, believe me, you're doing everything right and no, you're not over reacting at all. Your demeanor is motivating, loving it. Keep us updated.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Okay, I'm slightly less angry at the moment. Time for a bit of background on me, I guess. I have untreated PTSD related to a rape in my late teens. I did seek counseling after, but it didn't help (my therapist pronounced me "cured" after three visits because I make an excellent parrot). The PTSD was never diagnosed until yesterday, at my own IC appointment. As things got worse in the marriage, the effects of the PTSD resurfaced (flashbacks, etc), and deep, clinical depression set in, along with panic attacks of varying severity. I definitely had/have my share of problems.

When I tried to talk to my husband about what was going on, the response was usually some form of "bull****," so I learned a long time ago - whether it was a lesson he intended or not - that he simply didn't care.

I turned to alcohol to keep everything else at bay. If I couldn't feel anything, then feeling all of the past trauma lessened, as well. I did not hide the amount I drank (which was *quite* a lot). My husband saw the bottles pile up. He saw me drink. He knew precisely what was going on. He never said a word. Not. One. Word. Again, the message was loud and clear - he didn't care.

Two weeks ago I decided to stop depending on alcohol to get me through, and I did. I haven't had a drink since. No AA necessary really; it was always my choice, and now I've chosen a different course.

The affair has been going on for two years, at least. He has told her there is to be no more contact. His boss is rearranging his workload so there will be no reason to speak to her even for work-related issues. She lives in CT (we are in GA), so he cannot simply "run in" to her. He is transferring the project he was working on in NY to a colleague and will not travel to the Northeast (his own idea, actually), so there is little danger of another tryst of convenience.

She should be receiving my box-o-goodies today.

She's been deleted from his 1800 flowers account, along with their "anniversary," her birthday and a Valentine's Day reminder. I've removed her email address and IM info from his personal email account. I've put parental controls on his phone, limited the number of minutes he has. I've blocked her numbers on my son's phone. I haven't done this on his yet because I'm giving him enough rope to hang himself if he chooses.

He is sleeping the basement for now, which the kids are used to. We had to have a talk with our older son last night, because he's been visibly stressed about the arguing we've been doing. I did not mention the affair, but said we'd lied and hurt each other a lot, and both of us needed some time to deal with that. We will not be yelling anymore; we're working to make it better. It is not our children's fault and we both love them very much.

Our first counseling session was yesterday. Not much happened in concrete terms. She took our history and noted that this wound was really too new and too raw to begin much homework, so our homework this week is to cohabit and to be at least civil, and to think about what we've both done to bring our marriage to this state.

We go back next week. My husband is also having IC with the MC, with the understanding that anything he brings up in IC can be used in our joint sessions.

As to my own IC, I now have meds that I should have gotten a long time ago. The anti-depressants will take a while to kick in and get right, but the Xanax is helping immensely with panic attacks and the crazy mood swings.

Jezza, I'm very defensive to perceived overt criticism right now. You have to understand that my marriage for the last 7 years has been filled with nothing but what *I'm* doing wrong, how *I've* failed, and I've owned it all. I've accepted and incorporated it into my self-image. And you know what, I shouldn't have - because at least half of it was a deliberate lie designed to cover *his* adultery and assuage *his* guilt. I'm only just now coming to terms with the full extent of the damage this marriage has wreaked on me because I allowed it. I was once strong, independent woman, but for some reason I embraced the doormat role. Coming out of it means the pendulum swings in the complete opposite direction for at least a time. I do want honest answers and advice, but sometimes my long-dormant self-preservation instinct decides to stretch it's atrophied little muscles these days. I'm sorry for snapping at you. I shouldn't have; I do know you were only trying to help. 


Thanks 13th, the encouragement is extremely helpful. I've thought I was truly crazy for so long, because part of my perceptions are colored by awful past events, that it's nice to hear I'm doing something right.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Oh yes - can anyone recommend a good, moderately-priced VAR with PC transfer capability? Part of me wants to believe he's telling me the truth when he says he's all out of lies now, but the smart lady is overruling the naive child and intends to place one down in his office, just to be on the safe side.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

just_peachy said:


> Oh yes - can anyone recommend a good, moderately-priced VAR with PC transfer capability? Part of me wants to believe he's telling me the truth when he says he's all out of lies now, but the smart lady is overruling the naive child and intends to place one down in his office, just to be on the safe side.


JP You have to be careful with this, you may be breaking the law. I think I read that a spouse was charged with invasion of privacy for getting text written by a cheating spouse. If you do it, you can't let on that you have info from surveillance. You would have to use it indirectly so he dose suspect and look for a device.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Catherine, I understand.

I doubt very seriously it would be admissable, and I'm sure I could not use it. It's more of a temporary measure for my own peace of mind. Anything it did pick up would, of course, have to be corroborated by other, independent evidence, and it's the independent evidence I'd have to use. 

He's just been lying so much for so long - I can't differentiate between the two on my own right now.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Well, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" statement tonight. Followed shortly by "I haven't loved you for a long time." Rounded off with "I don't believe you when you say you love me; I haven't believed you for years."

He is staying for the kids and the house, and thinks I want him to stay so I can stick a knife in his gut every day for the rest of his life.

This is what he thinks of me - that I'd be happy and willing to stay in a loveless marriage just so I could cause him pain.

I guess peace of mind is really irrelevant when your spouse thinks you're a monster.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Any updates?


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Thanks for asking. I'd thought maybe I'd pushed you all away. 

As for updates, both too much and yet not enough, I'd say. 

I joined the Y the day after my last post, and have been 3 times. My goal is 3x per week. Started yoga - my fitness coach and yoga instructor have been great so far. It's a pleasant change hearing people say nice things about you sometimes.

We had a tree almost fall on our house on Friday. I called the tree guy (storm was coming, tree was going to hit house one way or the other) and we all spent the evening working together to clean up tree-mess before the neighbors got home.

He actually thanked me for helping (which is a first), and for making him tea and his favorite ham/bean soup (which the kids and I detest).

Second MC session today was a disaster, though. He did not maintain NC after his EA in 2005, even though he promised he would. Still refuses to see anything wrong there and maintains that I'm the one with the problem, not him.

He resents that I expect him to let me know when he's developing friendships with other women. "I've never had a problem being friends with women," he said to the counselor. I said, "No, you just have a problem with boundaries." This, of course, set him off.

He doesn't like that, throughout our marriage, I've wanted to have an idea of where he is and when he'll be home. He sees this as intrusive - I see it as consideration for people you care about and who care about you.

MC says we're back at square one - do we want this to work? Do we want to put in the effort? I know that I *have* to. That's something I have to do for *me*, so that if we cannot resolve our issues in the future, I can let it go knowing I did the best I could to save our marriage.

Him? I don't know what he wants or is really thinking. He keeps insisting he's not the "kind of person" who cheats. Except that he did cheat.

Part of owning my own crap is me not doing a hard 180. I know there's work I need to do, and some of it conflicts with the 180 guidelines. It's difficult sometimes to find the right balance.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Well, let's see. I went to IC yesterday. The therapist talked about our last joint session not going well, watching him deflect and blameshift and calling him on his crap. Which, of course he didn't like. She just wants to see us individually for a while, and may refer him to a male therapist as she thinks he may hear the same words from a male therapist with a better result.

Had a consultation with a divorce lawyer yesterday, just in case. Presented evidence of the affair, gave financial run down, history of marriage, evidence of ongoing contact with 1st OW, etc. I can file for adultery, of course, and he suggested adding mental cruelty based on my oral history. No way the husband could get sole custody with his travel schedule, but I could see him fighting me for joint. I said I'd be happy to give generous visitation, but I want sole custody if it comes to that. I take the kids to the doctor; I sit up with them and stay home with them when they're sick; I set up dentist appointments; I pay for music lessons. I already have effective sole custody - my husband's just happened to live in the same house.

I didn't get into retainer; just a consultation so I can have somebody to turn to if I need him.

I went to see the lawyer because reconciliation is absolutely contingent on the husband's continuing therapy and recommitting 100% to this marriage. I don't see that right now, and I'm not playing an ostrich anymore.

Listened to Ipod waaay too much last night - it's amazing how many songs about betrayal I have on that thing, without even noticing until now.

On the silver lining side of things, I worked out yesterday, lifting a grand total of 3,480 pounds (no, not all at once), and did a full 30 min of cardio. 

I broke my foot in two places back in August, followed by surgery in February, so I was basically totally off of my feet for months and put on about 20 pounds. I've lost about 17 in two weeks - not that I'd recommend the anxiety diet to anyone, but hey, we take our silver where we can find it.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Okay, well, I have to ask - no responses because I'm doing okay, or because I was quite b*tchy right after I found the evidence?

I apologize for the headbangingness (not a word, I know), but I have to admit that the echo chamber is getting to me a bit.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Alrighty, going to make one more post here.

Went to Wal-Mart to buy the boys' Easter stuff tonight, mainly because I always do it and the husband would not commit to helping me with that this year.

I also bought some Ensure since I'm currently losing a pound to a pound and a half a day and cannot keep down solid food.

I have always slept in my husband's t-shirts since we were married. They were comfortable and comforting, I guess, in some weird way. Anyway, after Dday I tore through my drawers looking for something to sleep in because I couldn't bear the thought of putting on one of his shirts. Turned out I only had one functional nightgown (not a teddy or something meant for other than sleeping). Anyway, while at Wal-Mart, I picked up some sleeping stuff for me. Some of it's a little racy, but nothing the kids couldn't see if they happened to wander into my bedroom.

The husband is unlikely to see it since he's sleeping in the basement, but it made me feel good to buy something semi-nice for myself today.

Signing off.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

How are general conversations going between you and your husband?


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Civil, polite, surface conversations mostly. I've quit bringing up the OW for now, other than asking Monday if he had indeed gotten his work schedule rearranged so that he did not require contact with her. His answer was "mostly." I replied, "so, in other words, no." Left the basement with the notification that he had a week to get those ducks in a row.

Otherwise, it's been okay. Just getting through the days without prodding him for anything meaningful - which wouldn't help right now anyway, since he's still foggy and in "it's all peachy's fault" mode.

His "anniversary" with the OW is May 1. I'm sure _that's_ going to be a luuurvely day.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

So, on Dday I weighed about 150 lbs (having put on 20 during the last 8 or so months between broken foot, surgery, rehab, etc). Yesterday I weighed 133.5. This morning - 132. I did drink an Ensure last night. I'll try to get two of those down today.

The husband kept older son up too late last night cramming for a test, so two hours after the boy's bedtime, I headed downstairs to put my foot down. I had already changed into one of my new nightgowns, because it was past my bedtime, too.  

Threw on on of the nice robes I have that I haven't worn in years and headed downstairs. Older son sees me and says "Whoooa, Mommy! You look like a rich person, all fancy!" Husband says nothing, but I see he is somewhat taken aback.

Older son asks me when I got the nightgown. Today. Why? Because I needed something to sleep in. Time for bed now, Older Son, if you don't know it by 11:30 the night before, you're not going to know it.

Back up the stairs for me and, once I hear the boy come up, off to dreamland.

I don't expect the husband to say anything, but I do wonder what was behind those eyes last night.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I think we all hit that depression diet phase in going through this...

Some of us eat more and pack it on.. some of us cant keep anything down and eat less...

Hopefully you were thinking "eat your heart out sucker!" when he looked at you in your nighty and robe! Last week I went and got my hair cut and colored DRASTICALLY different.. then my daughter and i went and got mani/pedi's .. omg the look on my H's face.. I could tell he was thinkin.. damn.. shes hot... hehehe I LOVED IT! I kind of shimmied around thinking the whole damn time... eat your heart out sucker.. you will NEVER touch this again!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Hehe, the nightie is a leopard-print silky thing - modestly skimpy, if that makes any sense. I admit I purposefully did belt the robe half open!


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

_Out of Place_

The rage falls loosely out of place
forgetting to stay where I have pinned it
sliding hungrily from atop the mound
of the unsaid

The fear chews itself a path
ignoring the cage I have made for it
playing like a beetle in the dung
of the unresolved

The sorrow spies on it all
hissing and spitting from hidden corners
trapping both dark and light in claws
of uncertainty

My inner drama bleeds out across the fields
plowing rows of instability
reaping the harvest
that we have sown


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Found the super-secret stash of love notes and cards from the mistress tonight. Tossed the husband out. He left his cell phone in the house to spite me and sat at the end of the driveway in his truck.

Came back to get the numbers out of his phone. I met him outside, gave him the phone and said "I know you left this to spite me, but your children might actually want a way to contact you, so take the damn phone."

He told me that I won. I said there are no winners in this; this is not a win. He told me he thought I was enjoying it. I said it was a loss, a huge, gaping loss. He said, "yeah, what did you lose? You never loved me anyway."

I said, "No, I loved you. You just had to rewrite our entire marriage in your head so you could feel okay about f***ing another woman. So go - leave."

He would not leave after being told verbally three times and texted once to go; still sat at the end of the driveway for hours. Police were called, and came. I have two young children; there are guns in the house and he still has keys. He's in a state of emotional distress and I really don't know what he's capable of right now (self-harm for him was actually my most immediate concern).

He left after police officer showed and noted that I had called them.

I think I may have crossed the Rubicon.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Peachy - hope you got my PM....

Looks like you didn't have much of an Easter.....but I take my hat off to you... You have stuck to your guns, kept your ground and have held your head up high. Well done!

It can't have been easy...even though it was the right thing to do.

I'd move the weapons somewhere else... surely your local Police station can store them for you? 
Emotional distress unbalances people....and when they are unbalanced they can't think straight....

If he comes back all apologetic with his tail between his legs, you going to take him back?


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

OMG Peachy, I'm so sorry. I think you did a very smart thing by calling the police.


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Ugh. He's here now. Working - his office is down in the basement. He came back after I took the boys to school. Haven't spoken to him yet - waiting on lawyer to call me back.

Jezza, I did get your PM. Easter pretty much sucked. Laundry was a huge trigger. I laid myself bare to him about that on Sunday and instead of even attempting any sort of comfort, he had nothing to say. Told me later I had "blasted" him and he had decided to just suck it up and take it. 

Fundamental disconnect in communication.

Texts got nasty last night. Finally picked up the phone and said I'm not doing this via text anymore. He still blames me for all of it - for not making him "feel" loved, for closing up some after learning about the first OW (he still denies anything was even *wrong* with having a secret relationship with another woman for years, and lying to me about it).

It's my fault my parents didn't go to his dad's funeral, even though they went to my sister's to watch her kids so my sister could come here for the week.

Last night was consequences. I told him if I had to find anything else, that's it. He let me find it instead of giving it up.

Have a therapy appointment this afternoon. Waiting for lawyer (just spoke; retainer is hefty for me right now; need help from parents). I really don't know what I'm going to do. Just know I can't do *this* anymore. I'm a wreck.

Taking the boys out of town this weekend. Usually it's a bar that says _closing time; don't care where you go, but you can't stay here_. For me, it's my home.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Peachy you are doing OK. Have no doubt when the penny drops on your husband and the realization of what he is going to lose hits him it will be a clanger, worse is he sounds like the kind of person that will not admit the truth, show remorse or ask for forgiveness, over time he will suffer internally and it will eat away at him.

Do what is right for you and your children, if that means dropping him by the curbside so be it. Create some distance from him.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Peachy....the going might be rough now, but its for the good. Stick in there!...and PM me if you like...


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Any updates Peachy?


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## just_peachy (Apr 8, 2011)

Just got back from visiting with my family with the boys. Too much to talk about this late. I'll post more later. Things are weird here. Too many unknown quantities to process when I'm this tired.


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