# Gift from OW to my daughters behind my back, should I do anything?



## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Before I get into this...note: I have 3 daughters. The younger 2 ages 14 and 16 are with current WH...the oldest is from another marriage years ago and is 23 and moved out, has her own family, kid etc.

I was putting away some laundry in my 14 year old's bedroom and I found a Victoria Secret box with a jacket, a bracelet and a watch sitting in her room. We recently took our Christmas tree down and started putting all of our gifts away, and I had never seen the items when we opened all of our gifts together Christmas morning.

I just texted that daughter and asked her where she got the items and she said that "dad" gave them to her. I know she is lying because they are things I know her dad would not buy her and this box was not opened on Christmas day. 

So I texted my oldest daughter the 23 year old, and asked her if maybe she had seen this stuff, and she said she already knew about it...because 16 year old daughter told her about it...yet none of them told me. 23 year old daughter says she doesn't want anything to do with it, that she is sick of it...that it's gone on too long and I need to let it go...yet I am sitting here hurt. 

Just got another text from the 16 year old...she confirmed that YES she indeed got the same items for xmas from OW...None of them told me. My 16 year old just said that it was a HUGE ordeal that day (I must have been at work) so she apparently did stand up for me and the situation. She says she will tell me more when she gets home from school.

The OW continues to try to buy my kids. This is not the first time she has received gifts...and each time I box it all up and dump it off at Goodwill without her knowing. 

Should I say anything to WH?

Or should I just let it go? 

I'm in the process of trying to go NC with him..He continues to keep trying to come around the house...even though I told him to go be with OW on New Years Eve and we got into huge fight...he was here bright and early the next week...working with contractors on our house remodel. He has been using his key to enter the house when he wants to...even snuck in at 5 am to kiss girls goodbye before his flight out of town for work yesterday. He has come by last week in the morning to let the dogs out, feed the dogs, pick up mail, talk to me about the new kitchen he is having re-done in our home, getting my input on the new windows being installed. Then he flits off to go stay with OW in the evenings. I KNOW he is cake eating...I just can't get him to stop. He starts saying he ONLY wants to see the kids and nothing more.

I asked my 16 year old why she thinks her father is putting so much into remodeling our house when he is staying with OW and she says that HE says "he just wants US to have a nice home". 

I am trying really hard right now not to call WH and ask him why he thinks it's okay to hand deliver the gifts from the OW to our children...It's not okay. She can buy him all the gifts she wants, but I don't want her stuff in my house.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You are 100% right purging her junk from the house.

Btw, change the locks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

So should I say anything to WH or say nothing and just get rid of it?

I probably could answer my own question about saying anything to WH. It only falls on deaf ears. He thinks OW is so wonderful and so nice anyway...and she's just trying to be a nice person..gag me.

The 16 year old said that her father said that "he was dreading giving it to her." WTH does that mean? Is he a puppet now?? If he was dreading the reaction at home why didn't he stop off at a dumpster and toss it? It's not like my girls are gonna be sending the OW a thank you card. 

16 year old also said the box is making her sick to her stomach looking at it in her room..I will help her with that today. As for the 14 year old who is so loyal to her daddy, I bet she will be sure to tell her father that I got rid of his OW's crap....and then that just re-enforces how he feels about me and the situation anyway.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I'm a bit childish at heart. Idbe tempted to do something very very rude/nasty to the gifts, wrap them back up and return them.

By nasty for starters a can of opened sardines rubbed on them would be a start, followed by wrapping them up inside.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Box them and send it back to the OW , if your daughter can be so inclined to write a note with it stating she does not want any gifts or other items from her as they are insulting to her family.

Thereafter if any further gifts come she can throw them in the public trash while her dad looks on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I would tell dds that you will not put your angst on their shoulders.
They must create their own relationships with their dad. That it sucks.

Tell them they don't need to hide things from you. That though you are hurting, you are a big girl and that you are their mommy and are there for them. 

Heck ya, change the locks. If he says anything about it, say "I'm vulnerable here alone without a man to protect and guard us. I feel safer with new locks." Eyes batting so femininely.......if he wants a new key say "Well, perhaps." and do nothing about it. Just let it be left on the to do list. lol.

Rather than pitching the gifts or giving them back, ask dd what she thinks she could do with them to feel power.....take them to the Goodwill and donate them? To a women's shelter for homeless and battered women? Is she sure she doesn't want them cause they are cool things?

Empower your girls to 
tell the truth
be brave
make choices

It will come back to you with straighforth communication and they will empower you in return.

HTH


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

For some reason a mother bear and her cubs popped into my head. 

I wonder what a mother bear would do.

I may be reacting in a shallow way, I probably am. But, I think I find this unacceptable. I think im very angry about it. At a minimum... Growling, snapping and showing my teeth would likely happen. 

Again, I dont know how _right_ my reaction is. But, I know whatever I did would be aggresive and I wouldnt apologize for it.

[/caveman mode]


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

So far I haven't done anything with the gifts. I've let them lie where I found them. I know my 16 year old will never touch anything that was given to her by the OW. We did have a discussion about it and she informed me that when her dad gave it to her, she told him she did not want it. He told her to just throw it away then if she didn't want it. She then asked him to NEVER bring her another gift from the AP. My 16 year old is very wise and I think she handled it well. She did not throw it in the trash but she put it in the corner still in the box. 

I think the 14 year old probably feels the same, but she is less vocal to her father. 

I did confiscate the $50 iTunes gift cards that they each got from the OW and treated myself to $100 worth of free music for my iPod. The girls don't know I took them, and will forget they even had them. Somehow that makes me feel a bit better. The other stuff will slowly disappear. I never did call WH about it. I'm sure the girls will tell him that I know about the presents now, and glad I didn't say anything and can remain in NC.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> I'm a bit childish at heart. Idbe tempted to do something very very rude/nasty to the gifts, wrap them back up and return them.
> 
> By nasty for starters a can of opened sardines rubbed on them would be a start, followed by wrapping them up inside.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh yeah, Id leave out the sardines, but the note with it would have the same effect. Why the hell is the beoytch sending little girls wh*** ware from Victoria's secret? I would inform the OW that nothing she has had anything to do with, is welcome in your house including sloppy seconds, and then I'd get those locks changed and get someone else to supervise any continuing renovations. It could be that he's fixing up the house so he can move his W*** in there post divorce.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

The OW, whom I refer to as Trampasaurus Wrecks, gave my son and his fiancee (now wife) 2 $50 giftcards as wedding gifts, months prior to the actual wedding. I was unaware of this. As my son is a detailer/lot porter at a Ford dealership, he finds all kinds of things that people have left in the vehicles they trade in. When he gave me one of the cards (didn't know there were two) I asked where it came from. He told me that he had "found" it in a trade in he cleaned. Thinking he had no reason to hide its origin, I happily let them take me to the store and used it, in full. Later the truth came out where it came from and why that little morsel was left out, I was livid! Here I was, wearing clothes that in essence, TW had actually paid for. I was informed that if I had known the truth at the outset I would have refused it. And they were right!!

When Christmas came, she did it again. I say nothing, let her spend the $$$, it's up to the kids how they handle it. They know my thoughts (she's attempting to buy her way in to being accepted by them) but I trust them.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

I'd be a little more put off at my kids than anyone else right now.

If I was still married to my x-wife, and my sons knew about the affair and never said anything and went so far as to accept gifts from an OM and develop a relationship, I think I would have to disown them. Pay my child support and tell them that I'm nothing but a paycheck to them.

So I'm curious, are you the least bit upset with your kids? Not saying you should be, and your story might be different seeing as how you WH is not living there (I'm thinking this is what you are implying anyway)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Stop dragging your daughters into this anymore than can be avoided. Say nothing about the gifts let your daughters decide what to do with them as it is their stuff.

Take the high road.

How could she be upset with the kids? 
They've been shoved in the midst of an impossible situation with no life experience to help them through it.
It also sounds as if they're being pulled in different directions.

I hope they have some kind of support outside their family to help them through it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

tacoma said:


> How could she be upset with the kids?
> They've been shoved in the midst of an impossible situation with no life experience to help them through it.



I'm not saying she really should be, as I don't know the circumstances. If the affair was already out in the open, I wouldn't be upset with my kids.

But if the situation was they knew my then wife was having an affair and kept it hid from me all the while being all nicey nice with the OM, I'd be highly pissed.

Also depends on the age. But if the affair is out in the open and the husband is out of the house, the kids aren't doing anything wrong.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Benatar said:


> I KNOW he is cake eating...I just can't get him to stop.


It's very easy. You just stop giving him access. File for divorce. Get a legal order of separation. That way, he can't come around your house any more.



Benatar said:


> I am trying really hard right now not to call WH and ask him why he thinks it's okay to hand deliver the gifts from the OW to our children...It's not okay. She can buy him all the gifts she wants, but I don't want her stuff in my house.


It sounds like your husband has informally separated from you and has a girlfriend. That's his right. You can't stop him. If his girlfriend wants to buy your kids presents, you can't stop her either.

The only way you can cut her out of your life and your children's lives is to reconcile with your husband. If you, or he, isn't willing to do that, then you simply have to make peace with the fact that your husband is going to have a girlfriend.

Since your husband seems to be willing to "pay" for his access to your kids, by remodeling your house, I would let him continue to do so. When the work is done, file for divorce and change the locks.

Good luck.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Just wondering if there's a quick easy way to teach teenagers about manipulation.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I'm not saying she really should be, as I don't know the circumstances. If the affair was already out in the open, I wouldn't be upset with my kids.
> 
> But if the situation was they knew my then wife was having an affair and kept it hid from me all the while being all nicey nice with the OM, I'd be highly pissed.
> 
> Also depends on the age. But if the affair is out in the open and the husband is out of the house, the kids aren't doing anything wrong.



Ok I misunderstood.

I agree and don`t really know much about this situation myself yet but it kinda sounds to me like this affair is pretty out in the open.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

Dexter Morgan said:


> I'd be a little more put off at my kids than anyone else right now.
> 
> If I was still married to my x-wife, and my sons knew about the affair and never said anything and went so far as to accept gifts from an OM and develop a relationship, I think I would have to disown them. Pay my child support and tell them that I'm nothing but a paycheck to them.
> 
> So I'm curious, are you the least bit upset with your kids? Not saying you should be, and your story might be different seeing as how you WH is not living there (I'm thinking this is what you are implying anyway)


I think I am upset with my oldest daughter the most. She is 23 and not even a biological daughter of the WH's. I had been a single mom when I met WH..and she was 4. Their relationship over the years has not always been the best...It is just within the last few years that she has gotten closer to him now that she has her own child. She knew about this gift giving when it took place. For some reason I guess I expected her just to give me a heads up, if anything. 

The reason I am upset is that he spent Christmas with US, not the OW! Yet he gave the girls these gifts way before Christmas and then acted as if it was their secret...all the while I busted my A$$ Christmas Eve/Day cooking for all of them...I just want everyone to be open and honest with me. He could have taken me aside and told me or even asked me if it was okay. Of course I would have said NO...but he could have gave them the stuff and maybe put his name on it like it was from him...I don't know...it just hurt me is all I'm saying. 

I KNOW that the OW bought all this stuff and boxed it up and sent it off with him, knowing he was coming home to spend Christmas with his family. She did not do this out of the kindness of her heart. She has never even met my oldest nor my middle daughter(s). She had been told before by WH to stop buying gifts for his daughters, but she refuses to listen to him and does it anyway. But...WH had a choice to bring it to the girls or get rid of it, and he chose to bring it to them. HE is the one who is at fault for thinking I would never find out, and he knew that when I did, it would hurt me and he didn't care.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

You should be angry about these gifts and your gutless husband. The gift giving by the OW has nothing to do with the spirt of the Holidays and giving gifts to a special friend or relation. What Thease so called gifts are are Passive Agressive viruses designed to infect her presence in your and your daughters lives. They force you to have deal with her, and in your face act that says here I am, deal with it. She knows the disruption they cause as does your husband (spineless coward that he is).

This is not an attempt to buy their affection or appease her guilt for breaking up a family, the are Trojen Horses, and you are very right for viewing them as you do.

Regarding your husband free access to YOUR house....enough is enough - ask for his keys if he refuses, change the locks.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Stop dragging your daughters into this anymore than can be avoided. Say nothing about the gifts let your daughters decide what to do with them as it is their stuff.
> 
> Take the high road.
> 
> ...



I honestly did not make a big deal about it to my girls, in fact I had accidentally hung one of the jackets up in my youngest daughters bedroom yesterday (before I found out who gave it to her) and she wore it to school today. 

My mom cheated on my dad when I was 14, so I know what it's like to be a teenager with all this going on. I remember my mom taking me out to dinner with the OM and after dinner he took me to some gift shop and told me I could have anything I wanted. I remember resenting my mom so much for putting me in that position. I did end up picking out something from that gift shop just to make my mother happy. I will never forget what that felt like. I hated every minute of it and hated my mother for doing that to my dad. I am sure my therapist would say that this is a trigger for me and that is what this is really about.


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## Benatar (Dec 31, 2011)

calif_hope said:


> You should be angry about these gifts and your gutless husband. The gift giving by the OW has nothing to do with the spirt of the Holidays and giving gifts to a special friend or relation. What Thease so called gifts are are Passive Agressive viruses designed to infect her presence in your and your daughters lives. They force you to have deal with her, and in your face act that says here I am, deal with it. She knows the disruption they cause as does your husband (spineless coward that he is).
> 
> This is not an attempt to buy their affection or appease her guilt for breaking up a family, the are Trojan Horses, and you are very right for viewing them as you do.
> 
> ...


Calif...

Thank you!! Someone gets what I'm saying. She did this for no other reason at all than to get to me. I won't give her the satisfaction of ever knowing that it bothered me...Kind of glad I never saw it till now...That was like 3 weeks ago that they received it..Weird how I never saw it till now.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Benatar said:


> My mom cheated on my dad when I was 14, so I know what it's like to be a teenager with all this going on. I remember my mom taking me out to dinner with the OM and after dinner he took me to some gift shop and told me I could have anything I wanted. I remember resenting my mom so much for putting me in that position. I did end up picking out something from that gift shop just to make my mother happy. I will never forget what that felt like. I hated every minute of it and hated my mother for doing that to my dad. I am sure my therapist would say that this is a trigger for me and that is what this is really about.


Ouch, yeah there`s definitely something there.

Maybe it`d be nice if your ex was just a bit smarter about how he handles these situations.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are right to be upset about the gifts. As for your daughters, they are caught in a hard spot. 

Do you know the OW's address? Maybe having your girls send here a nice thank you note saying that the gifts were lovely and they are sure that Goodwill will get a nice penny for them.


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

Benatar said:


> I honestly did not make a big deal about it to my girls, in fact I had accidentally hung one of the jackets up in my youngest daughters bedroom yesterday (before I found out who gave it to her) and she wore it to school today.
> 
> My mom cheated on my dad when I was 14, so I know what it's like to be a teenager with all this going on. I remember my mom taking me out to dinner with the OM and after dinner he took me to some gift shop and told me I could have anything I wanted. I remember resenting my mom so much for putting me in that position. I did end up picking out something from that gift shop just to make my mother happy. I will never forget what that felt like. I hated every minute of it and hated my mother for doing that to my dad. I am sure my therapist would say that this is a trigger for me and that is what this is really about.


Did you out your mom to your dad? Or did you keep it hidden from him?


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