# One week since DDay...WS doesn't want to talk about it



## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

How do you make the WS understand rug sweeping is NOT what is needed right now? His actions are showing remorse and like he really does want to R. The problem? For 5 days, we talked and talked and talked about the affair. I asked hundreds of questions, all of which he answered without hesitation. However, for the past two days, he just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Is this is a step in the wrong direction? Does this mean he isn't as open to R as he was?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby did the same thing, but I sent him some emails about what the betrayed spouse needs from the wayward (there's a letter somewhere on here I think) and just told him that was the way it had to be or that was it. He came around pretty fast when he realized I meant it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

His rug sweeping shows he has no true remorse for his affair. If you don't show him the consequences, then you have no hope of R. If he's not totally in the left column, you will only be in FALSE R and your R will fail.










If he refuses to be remorseful and wants to rug sweep, then you need to file for D.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If he`s already been truly open about it I don`t think it reflects on his remorse or desire to R.

Having been in his shoes I can tell you it`s painful and shameful and embarrassing.
He also most likely believes he`s still causing you pain when it`s discussed which is true but necessary.

Tell him all this, tell him you know it hurts him too but you need the communication about it to get past it.

Do it gently and lovingly and tell him.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Or he's gone underground with it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He may be open to an R, and he sound like he found it very shameful and humileating, hence the reason to not want to talk. Let him now he need to own this crap and if he has any concern in your healing he will at least listen to you vent and respond in a positive way.

I wish he understood once he owns this and can find these discussions comfortable to have, it will help him prevent this bad behavior in the future. It is a consequence that will help him down the road in having a healthier marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I guess as a cheater I'm a little weird. I always wanted to talk about it with my wife - somehow it made me feel better. I don't really get why he would be so willing at first and then clam up. He does have a lot of his own issues to face if he wants to reconcile - maybe he's shying away from facing himself? If he wants to truly reconcile with you he has to reconcile with himself as well.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My hubby was willing at first then he didn't want to talk about it any more because he was deeply ashamed, and also because he thought I should have been getting over it already. I had to educate him about it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My H never wanted to talk about it. I had to drag every word out of him. It was awful. He was the king of trickle truth. He was so ashamed of what he had done and still is. But I just wish he wld talk a out it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Once or twice when the shame got to my wife and she froze up I reminded her how she said she would "do anything" to keep the marriage. 

that said, definitely start checking to see if the affair is going underground- VAR would be most helpful


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Even though my fWW was answering all my questions she once told me it was very hard on her. She never knew when she was going to get bombarded with questions. It was hard for her to
Work through her emotions when I was slamming her with questions at anytime. Talking about it all the time is hard on R an hard on both of you. It does need to be talked about though. We picked a certain time everyday ( for us it was after the kids were asleep) when we would talk about the affair and I coul ask or say whatever I wanted.

We would both save our questions for this time so we could prepare ourselves a bit emotional an it is also more productive. Also gives you time to think about the questions you are going to ask. Do you really need or want to know the answer? 
This also gives you the other time to just be a couple or a family if you have kids. You can start to enjoy each other again without both constantly being emotionally on guard for affair discussion.

Of course all this assumes that the other steps are being followed. NC, Transperancy, etc and he truely is showing remorse and wants R. If he does then
He has to understand that you need to talk about it and you need to work together to make it safe for you
both to do so. You shouldn't be calling him a work and wanting to talk about it. I did this. My wife was always nervous when I would call because she never knew if I was calling to tell her I loved her or calling to S?:& on her about the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I've always saved my questions and concerns for a time when we are both free, usually late at night when our daughter is asleep. I never call in the middle of the day, except earlier this week when I called just to tell him I wanted to talk later that evening and he immediately got frustrated and snapped at me. 

I understand that he's going through a process as well. Trying to come to terms with what he did, trying to make sense of his feelings for her, being ashamed and feeling guilty. I get that. But if he DOES want to work this out and I'm telling him I NEED to ask questions to heal, he should be falling all over himself to answer any question I have. 

I guess I just want him to stop being selfish. That's what got us into this mess. The only way out is for him to start thinking of me first.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

aqua123 said:


> I guess I just want him to stop being selfish. That's what got us into this mess. The only way out is for him to start thinking of me first.


have you made it clear that if he doesn't stop acting selfish then he is packing his things?


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

almostrecovered, I guess I haven't said it in those specific words. I've already written a letter today telling him I'm ready to file for divorce if he can't give me what I need to heal and if he isn't absolutely sure he's willing to do whatever it takes to reconcile. I plan on giving it to him tonight.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

time to make a stand then, don't you think?

limbo is hell- either he does the things you need or you divorce, unless you wish to continue living like you have the past few days

edit- oops saw you are writing a letter stating it, good for you

may we see what you wrote, maybe we can tweak it for you?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It brings them shame and embarrassment. Maybe they cant see themselves.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

almostrecovered, the letter is super long and I didn't save it so I'll sum up most of it. It starts with:

"Feeling like you don't care about my feelings and how I'm coping is a shot to the heart all over again. Here's what I wanted you to say/do this past week:
1.)Lay it all on the table from the beginning--don't make me have to pull it from you.
2.)Be honest with yourself. You say you don't know if you want to be with her, if your feelings for her were true, if you will be able to forget about her. But you do know. By not wanting to tell me, it proves you know it will hurt me, therefore your feelings must be true for her.
3.)Pursue me. Call me through the day to see how I'm doing, come see me at work when you're in the area, ask me to lunch.
4.)Be willing to do ANYTHING to keep me. If that means staying up until 4am every single morning of the week to answer my questions over and over again, you should be willing to.
5.)Call and talk to Randy(our pastor whom I've confided in and sought help from) to have him guide you through winning me back.

I don't know the reasons for your pulling back. You say you're not, but I know you and I know when you're holding something back. Only you know why you are, even if you're not doing it on purpose. I'm not going to fake it any longer that I'm okay not talking about this.

You told me I was rushing and taking things too fast. You didn't mean I was taking things too fast for ME, you meant I was rushing things for YOU. You're not sure what you want yet, you're not sure how you feel yet. And that's not okay.

I've decided it's time to heal myself. And if you can't give me what I need to start healing, then I guess I'll do it by myself. I'm willing to take the R slowly. Not jump right into living together again, not jump into anything physical right away. But I'm not willing to take the limbo slowly. I want to know today, are you in 100% or are you out? There's no in between and there's no going back. I'm willing to file for divorse this week if you want out."

Any suggestions? Things you would change? Add? Thanks so much for your willingness to help with the letter!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well my $.02 is that's a damn fine letter. In fact I wonder if there is any need for it to be any longer than that. What you wrote above is clear, concise, well within your rights and perfectly reasonable. Anything else you add might confuse the message.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) good- add that if you get any trickle truth, he omits anything that is important or lies about anything now and you find out down the line (and you will find out) that it will be over then and there- omitting anything or lying about anything will only severely set you back when you find out about it later
2) I would amend to say that he must not be afraid to express the truth of his feelings because he is afraid it will hurt you or he is ashamed of himself. Also state that you will express your own feelings in the same manner. 
3) good, add about transparency as well and that he must understand that for a period of time you will have the need to know of his whereabouts 24/7
4) perfect
5) that part is up to you, however, are you sure Randy is qualified? Some people tell others to forgive and forget or bury the past, etc
the last part is good- stating clearly the consequences of him not meeting your needs is most important here, may want to add that is a long haul and infidelity can take 2-5 years before the BS is healed fully. The first few months will be the most intensive and you will have good days and bad days and set backs, triggers, etc


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

AR, while our pastor is not educated in marriage counseling, he has done his fair share. He has even counseled other couples facing infidelity. His position is that WH should be begging me to stay, doing everything and then some to show me how much he wants me and appreciates that I haven't turned and fled the other direction. 

Thanks again for your help. I hope the letter proves to him I'm serious about healing myself. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I'm going to stay no matter what since I haven't left yet. Hopefully this will show I'm not afraid to leave.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Glad to hear it, stay strong and good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CruxAve (Dec 30, 2011)

Because of his actions, you should be calling the shots right now.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Aqua-----Here is the deal, THE ONLY DEAL---This ballgame is your ballgame, played by your rules

Your H---gets no say in ANYTHING, as long as you are not abusive.-------You MUST stay calm, icy cold, show no emotion---
If this is harsh---then so be it---BUT FOR what your H. DID----we wouldn't even be having this discussion would we

You must be harsh, for he must be accountable, if you wanna ask the same question for the next THOUSAND days---it is fine and he WILL answer it------You say jump---HE SAYS HOW HIGH---this is how it must be----you CANNOT appear weak, or in his eyes, he will know he can do this again, as you were weak this time

You back all of this up, by telling him, if he doesn't wanna play by your rules, then he can prepare to DEFEND a D. action.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, I gave him the letter last night. As we were leaving Bible Study, I handed it to him and told him he could call me after he read it, if he wanted to. He called around 11 pm and after a minute of silence, he said "Are you really filing for divorce tomorrow?" We talked for a couple hours about how and why I cannot stay in this limbo anymore. If he couldn't commit 100%, then I was done. He said he didn't want to commit 100% while he still had any lingering feelings to her because it would be a lie and while he might be committed, he wouldn't be 100%.

He started to get defensive the more we talked and started to shut down. Even tried to throw it back on me saying we had more problems than just the affair and implying(though never saying) that I was at least partially to blame. I stayed calm. I told him I would not allow him to put this on me because if he would have just talked to me before about his feelings, I would have been more than willing to try to fix things.

He also told me a mutual friend of theirs had called him earlier yesterday and told him OW's period is 3 months late. I asked him to come here and call her with me beside him, to ask if she's pregnant. He said that was something he needed to do on his own and called her after we hung up the phone. 

He hadn't been talking to anyone about the situation, so I urged him to call one of his best friends, a good Christian man, and tell him. The friend came right to his mom's house, where he's staying, and around 1 am, I hung up the phone with him, mentally prepared to visit the lawyer today.

I tossed and turned in bed until I heard a truck, HIS truck, pulling in my driveway at 2:30 am. As I opened the bedroom door, he took me in his arms, apologized and said he picks me. He said it took talking to his friend for him to finally hear and see the truth. 

We talked for about an hour. I was doubtful how an hour earlier, he wasn't sure what his feelings for her were and now he's saying they aren't true feelings. He says he just knows. He thinks what he was feeling towards her is because he felt bad about what he had done to her. He also said he felt like he could never be the husband/father he should be and would eventually let me down again and that's why he was pushing me away, taking the coward's way out. He said when he called OW, she took a home pregnancy test that was negative, but she scheduled a doctor's appointment for today to make sure.

I should mention that my husband is the product of an affair. His father and his (then) wife were separated. His mother and father began a relationship, she got pregnant, father moved away and asked mother to come too but she wouldn't leave her family. Husband didn't meet or talk to his father until he was 16 years old. So through all this, he said he's wondering if his father chose his mother, maybe his feelings for the OW are true too.

His actions when he came here last night were genuine. He held me, kissed me, wiped my tears and looked me dead in the eyes. He said he'd answer my questions a million times a day if that's what it takes. Do you think the fog has lifted now or is he just trying to make himself feel something he doesn't to keep me from filing?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


And her are the watward spouse guidelines::

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I carried a lot of guilt for a while over the pain my AP was in when the affair ended. In hindsight it was extremely misguided but it was there so I can believe that from him. I'm glad for you that he came home but don't let your guard down. If he's feeling bad about what he did to the OW he will likely have to resist the desire to break no contact and either try to get a "good" goodbye or "just make sure she's ok.". He must maintain no contact and he must give you the discussion and answers you need. 

You got a major step in the right direction but don't relax yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Good to hear you put your foot down and enforced the terms you need to R. The one thing that perturbs me though is that he insisted on contacting OW on his own. That would be a huge no-no to me. I will stress that he writes a no contact letter. You can find more info in the newbie link. 
I truly hope there is no pregnancy- do you have a plan if she is pregnant and it is his?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Do not want to be the "Wet Blanket" but that was his reaction after talking to his friend and he was on a high at that time.

You need to put into place the good advise that AlmostRecovered and Chapparal gave you.

He needs to man up and do what is necessary to heal the marriage by doing the NC etc. He has to be fully open if he waffles you need to be prepared to standup for yourself and do the 180.

He still has ties to her as evident that he did not completely break the affair the first time, What is different Now?

Just be prepared.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

also, especially since he did have contact with OW, you must remain vigilant. Do NOT forgo spying and verifying his actions. Transparency will help but you will need to watch for him going underground with the affair.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I'm bothered by his need to call her on his own too. Definitely plan to discuss this with him further.

I'm also worried, and even commented to the fact that he was on a high last night and would eventually come down. I guess today will bring reality back into focus.

If the OW is pregnant, I'm not really sure how to deal. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I think that would be the true dealbreaker. The OW would never be out of the picture or out of our lives.

I plan on having another talk with him tonight, asking why he felt the need to talk with her alone. I also plan on demanding no more contact at all with her, if he finds out she's not pregnant.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I agree on the pregnancy deal breaker

have him hand write a no contact letter

the letter should state that you and his marriage are the most important part of his life and she should never contact him again (I guess barring pregnancy) Let him know that if she contacts him again he needs to ignore it and tell you of it right away. Since the pregnancy may happen, you should use that mutual friend to contact if it is an issue.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

He doesn't know her address or anything so should he have the mutual friend deliver it? She hasn't tried to contact him....yet.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm sure you can track her address online, send it registered mail

spokeo.com may have it if you cant find it


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to go slow, and be careful-----why all of a sudden on a dime, he did a complete about face and came rushing to you

What is his real reason for rushing to you

Is it cuz he truly loves you, or is it cuz he knows what he stands to lose in a D. action.

You don't really know where he is coming from, cuz you don't know his conversation with his friend

But to hold his ground, then all of a sudden, cave in----you need to be suspicious

Also he stuck around for his lover for a long period of time, saying this and that, about keeping her,---you don't just dump a lover cold turkey like that

There may a lot more than meets the eye here---be very careful, and go slow!!!!!


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

I am having a hard time understanding the sudden about-face, as well. Is that typical of someone coming out of the fog? I still have my guard up...WAY up. I'm trying to be open to the possibility that he is for real and had an epiphany last night. But I'm also realistic that maybe he's lying to himself and to me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

only time and action will tell his motivations, it's why some don't recommend R at all. It ain't easy.


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Well, the OW is not pregnant, thank the good Lord. The roller coaster continues on its track and I'm still having moments of self-pity, anger, deep sadness and doubt. But I want to reconcile. I truly believe WH wants to reconcile too. His actions are showing me he's trying. Whether or not it will last, I don't know. But I'm okay with that. If this whole ordeal is teaching me anything, it's that I can do anything with God's help, even things I thought were impossible. Right now it seems impossible to heal and it seems impossible to walk away but whatever happens I know I'll be okay.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

phew!!


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## aqua123 (Feb 3, 2012)

Tell me about it AR! First time I've felt joy since DDay was hearing those words.


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