# Faking it for the kids



## canttakeitanymore (May 16, 2011)

I posted here before, but can't find the original so I will give a brief overview...

I've been married to my husband for 11 years and we have 3 children (11, 8, 3). I work full time and am the primary income provider; he also has a full time job as a teacher. A few years ago he took a leave of absence to start a business with a fairly big part of my retirement fund. I was supportive of the idea since on paper and in our observations seemed like a great idea. The problem was the economy. We lost the business, lost our home and we're in the process of filing for bankruptcy. 

Adding to the stress of all that, my husband has chronic back pain. As a form of self-preservation, denial, whatever - he chose to start abusing the painkillers. He effectively checked out of the business and our lives to be numb and hide. I had to manage the dissolution of the business, finding a new home, working full time, taking care of the kids, etc.

Over the past year and a half there have been a number of events that are just so out of character for him, and while I know it was his addiction, they were still fundamentally against things I believe in. I'm disappointed in myself for enabling or accepting of this behavior. 

This past fall I told him I wasn't happy. We went to MC once and that ended up in a huge fight - his issue was that I had told a male co-worker who was confiding in me about his marital issues that I was also going through something difficult. I've known this person for almost 15 years so I wasn't confiding in a complete stranger. My husband was just beside himself that I was talking to someone else about our issues and not him. I told him I needed to be able to talk about things without measuring every word for their possible consequence or splash back value.

He has been trying to be better, and has urged me to do something about how unhappy I am. I have been to a therapist, but he thinks maybe I need medication for my depression. I have told him it isn't depression, it's anger. I am not sure that talking about this stuff is helping in the short-term as it seems to be making me angrier. He has seen a doctor and is on anti-depressants and Xanax for the spiral I've put him in by being unhappy and telling him I don't feel the same way.

When I told my therapist about the Xanax she was floored that someone who had been addicted to painkillers would get a prescription for Xanax so I started tracking his usage. In the first 4 days he took 17 pills, where the max he should have taken was 8. The therapist says that he can't really improve if he is still having this 'relationship' with the pills.

I don't feel the same anymore. I don't want to have sex with him, but I do it to pacify him, otherwise he is a complete and total baby. I don’t want to be with him anymore. But...the kids. If it worked out that we had joint custody it would kill me to be apart from them. I am just not sure I can fake it for much longer, let alone the rest of my life.

I guess I'm looking for objective advice - any suggestions on what to do?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

canttakeitanymore: 

interesting post - I would have sworn you were my wife - twice over the past 5 years where she would take this same line with me, except the roles would be reversed somewhat. 

Either way, I can guarantee the "faking" it is taking its toll on the kids and will for sometime. 

I would recommend that you and hubby high tail it into some counseling - if you really care about him and kids or cut your losses (weird to hear that coming from me).

my wife and I aren't (or at least it seems) where you are now with your hubby, however, I can tell you that there are remnants of those same feelings even today, and our kids have been majorly impacted. 

faking isn't fun for you or your hubby. reach deep down and figure out, do you still love him, can you see him as your hubby through thick and thin? if so, you have enough to recover. it will take work and more commitment from each of you.

good luck to you.

god bless.


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## VLR (May 15, 2011)

You need to confide in other women, not in other men. Find a female friend and pour out your heart whether your husband likes it or not. Tell him you don't keep secrets, so if he's not proud of himself he needs to figure out how to create a story that he doesn't mind you telling your friends.

Interesting that he suggested painkillers for you considering how they've worked for him.

You are not in a situation where faking it will fly. You aren't going to solve these problems that way. You have to start tackling things on your own or with him.

It sounds like you are in counseling. Hasn't your therapist told you to create a plan with or without him?

He needs to feel the pain of his decision to check out when the family is counting on him to step up. He's in a tough place, but his lack of focus is making it all the worse on the rest of you and that is absolutely unacceptable!

Don't try to drag him in to counseling. Just tell him what you've decided to do and where that leaves him. Run your plan by your counselor first.


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