# Is there anything more I can do?



## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hi,

I'm a first time poster, and would appreciate any direction you could provide.

My husband and I are separated and starting the divorce proceedings. We were married for 2 years. I left a month ago because my husband became violent, and it wasn't the first time either. He has also been verbally abusing me for over a year - calling me a retard constantly if my opinion differs from his.

My husband has always been very private about his past. He doesn't talk to his twin sister at all, hardly talks to his brothers and parents. He doesn't have many friends, and I don't think he opens up to them. He moved to my city over 2.5 years ago and has not made 1 friend. He doesn't like spending time with my friends or family either, and didn't like anyone coming to our home. If on the odd occasion someone does come by - usually if it's friends for a coffee or drinks, its OK, but otherwise there is tension in the house. 

On the day I left before he hurt me he finally opened up and said he had been physically abused by his parents, and his dad was also violent to his mother. He used to sleep badly too, until we got together. He has built walls around him, and I can't seem to break them down. I think there is more he is burying. He won't seek counselling, I've also said we should go together. I could be there for him if he opened up, but I can't go back to live with him after the violence and emotional abuse. Is there any way of helping him? I still love him and care very much for him. He will drive everyone away, and I feel for him going into old age so angry and alone. 

Thank you for reading.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Please, surely someone must have a story where their partner has opened up and wanted to make a change?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I can't think of any more you could possibly have done. He needs help but he has to want it.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Thank you unbelievable. It break my heart because it's so sad. I guess I feel guilty that I cannot help my husband as a wife should.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You can't want the change more than he does! He has to find his way and YOU have to protect yourself. If he wants to "get comfortable" with a counselor and wants you present....no harm done. However, don't move back with him. You are correct in getting away for your safety. 

I know you are hurting and it wouldn't do any harm, for you to get individual help, as you are going through this transition.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It sounds like you've done all you can do. If he's not willing to do anything to help himself and change, then you can't force it. As much as it hurts you, you have to let go in order to save yourself from further heartbreak. If he eventually chooses to seek help and gets better, then you could always reevaluate if you still love him and want to be with him at that point. But I don't see anything else you could have done.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If he simply believes explaining the reasons that he chooses to be abusive make it acceptable or pitiable, instead of making the decision to do something about it and address it - he isn't all that invested in changing himself.

If he has victim mentality, all you will accomplish by staying and trying to 'help' is you will be sacrificing yourself for his lack of taking responsibility for himself. 

He will blame you - and expect you to just take it. Leaving is the right course.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your advice. 

Bradt - To wait is a tough decision. He doesn't believe he needs help. When I explained that I felt I was abused, he denied that he is an abusive person. He is a stubborn mule and won't go counselling. Even with the idea of moving into a divorce (which hasn't happened as yet in the legal sense), he is not budging. I feel that he would rather lose his wife than seek help.


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## sgm9 (Sep 17, 2010)

I'm in your husbands situation. I have been the one being abusive, more verbal than anything physical, but there have been a couple physical situations. 

I know that I am begging my wife to give me a chance as I have already begun counseling and looking into other groups. She has refused more counseling and has begun the divorce process. I want nothing more than to be the man she deserves, however, she is unwilling to try and trust me, not that I blame her for not trusting me, but it just hurts more. I never imagined as situation where she would turn down my desire to get help and reconcile the marriage.

Previous posters are correct, he has to want to change. Until then, there is nothing more you can do.


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

sgm9 - thank you for your post.

I can understand from her point of view why she can't come back (just yet). Those types of problems cannot be solved within a few weeks or months, it can take years. 

For your sake I hope you do continue to go counselling regardless of whether your wife comes back or not. It's a good step forward to realise you need help and are seeking it.


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