# Has Facebook ruined your marriage?



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Has definitely affected mine. STBXH has had multiple EA's with ex girlfriends, and other women, on Facebook. He has not sat on the couch and spent time with me for years. I would go to bed and sometimes wake up, go out and get a drink of water and there he was, at 3am on his computer.

Once he went to the bathroom and forgot to log off and I saw FB messages from one of his ex girlfriends saying she still loved him. He was replying back that our marriage sucked and he was unhappy and he always thought about her. I need to add I have tried for years to make our marriage better but he has never really been able to connect to me on a deep level. He keeps a wall up and has done so for the past 13 yrs.

His family, yes us the ones he lives with, have ceased to be important to him. He would rather spend just about every waking moment on his damn computer or iphone, on Facebook. Even if we do got out he is constantly on the [email protected]#damn iphone. I hate it all.

I said things to him and got (what I know now is the typical response of a cheater) that it was none of my business, I'm trying to control him, etc.

I have a facebook page but only have 22 family members and a few FEMALE friends. I'm thinking of quitting it altogether. I have come to hate it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not facebook that ruins marriages. It's the people using it to do dirt that ruin marriages.

But we do see story after story on here saying how "My wife/hub found their old friend on FB" and then you know how the rest of the thread will go...

COUNTLESS TIMES.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Facebook didn't ruin anything. The user ruined his own marriage.

I have Facebook and it hasn't ruined my marriage.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I understand what you are getting at tho op. It gives people the opportunity to do things that they wouldnt normally do, such as getting back in touch with exs etc. Txtin has ruined my marriage. an EA completely cattied out by txt. Henever rang her or met up with her once. Without the little txt messages back and forth about "work" related stuff And little jokes sent back and forth i am convinced this never would have happened! Its all too easy now!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I understand what you are getting at tho op. It gives people the opportunity to do things that they wouldnt normally do, such as getting back in touch with exs etc. Txtin has ruined my marriage. an EA completely cattied out by txt. Henever rang her or met up with her once. Without the little txt messages back and forth about "work" related stuff And little jokes sent back and forth i am convinced this never would have happened! Its all too easy now!


:iagree:

So True! I had a relationship ruined by FB - as devastating as it was at the time (over 2 years ago), I'm grateful. Because I learned a lot from it, including how to control my own privacy. Since then, I met and married the man I'm with now - I have FB. He doesn't, and I like it just fine that way. For myself, I have absolutely NO exes on there. Any males at all are simply acquaintances, family, or co-workers, and even those are kept to a minimum...

But Daisygirl is right. With the technology we have today, emails, mobiles, FB...very easy to conduct private relationships.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

I only got a Facebook account because friends kept nagging me to get one but I rarely use it. My wife doesn't have an account at all.
That said, Facebook does make it easier to get into trouble. A woman I had a sexual relationship with over 20 years ago hit me up out of the blue and wanted to "exchange phone numbers and catch up."

NOPE! It was flattering that someone from so long ago thought enough about me to do a name search BUT things are going well now.
Don't need any drama in my marriage.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Problem is, your husband turned to other women instead of trying to solverelationship issues. Seems you are doing the same by blaming facebook.



CandieGirl said:


> Any males at all are simply acquaintances, family, or co-workers, and even those are kept to a minimum....


I remember a time when boys and girls could be friends with each other plutonically... Guess that era died in the 90's with real music.




CandieGirl said:


> But Daisygirl is right. With the technology we have today, emails, mobiles, FB...very easy to conduct private relationships.


Simplify maybe, but covert secret affairs have been going on in great quantity without the help of technology for many many ages.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Like people have said it's not facebook itself, but it is another avenue that opens things up to people. Right now it's Facebook, it use to be Myspace, before that Classmates and even before that Class Reunions and out of state family things. Heck my parents marriage hit a major snag in the early eighties because my Mother went back to the Easr coast for her sister wedding and ran into a old high school boyfriend. 

Now days I think there are just way more ways for people to find other people and many people that are cheating aren't as careful as they might have been twenty years ago.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Supposedly infidelity has tripled since 1997. I'm guessing the single biggest reason is the internet.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

chapparal said:


> Supposedly infidelity has tripled since 1997. I'm guessing the single biggest reason is the internet.


I'm guessing Internet and cell phones combined. Both allow for secret communications that previous generations didn't have to deal with.

But it's the same as the expression about guns not killing people, people kill people. The Internet and cell phones are merely tools that can be used for good and bad things.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

It was not facebook or texting that got my marriage in trouble. 

It was facebook and texting that let me know my marriage was in trouble. :scratchhead:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I understand what you are getting at tho op. It gives people the opportunity to do things that they wouldnt normally do, such as getting back in touch with exs etc. Txtin has ruined my marriage. an EA completely cattied out by txt. Henever rang her or met up with her once. Without the little txt messages back and forth about "work" related stuff And little jokes sent back and forth i am convinced this never would have happened! Its all too easy now!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Supposedly infidelity has tripled since 1997. I'm guessing the single biggest reason is the internet.


Absolutely. People do not have to be looking for affairs to drift into EAs. The internet and cell phones provide the fertile environment for this.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But ONLY a cheater will take advantage...so the people are the same.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

PBear said:


> I'm guessing Internet and cell phones combined. Both allow for secret communications that previous generations didn't have to deal with.
> 
> But it's the same as the expression about guns not killing people, people kill people. The Internet and cell phones are merely tools that can be used for good and bad things.
> 
> ...


No. I respectfully disagree on this analogy. It is way more than this. The tool itself is an environment where people with good intentions are contacted by old friends and so on. I will say that most people who get seduced into these EAs on facebook would not have gone out and found other means. Peoples boundaries have not adapted to this soical media. People are finding out that this extra access to "friends" is showing that opposite sex friendships can get out of hand very quickly. So Facebook plus texting makes it far to easy too start down this road. So we agree that it is a people problem. BUT, I am just saying that this technology has created brand new challanges for people to deal with that they are not prepared for. Moreover they do not know how to deal with guiding their children in this area.

Shooting someone with a gun is illegal. There are deterents to its use. Yes people pull the trigger. However, pulling the trigger on a facebook message is seen as innocent. They are just frineds afterall. What happens is that over time needs begin to be met. Oxytocin and dopamine flood the brain.

A better analogy is that cigarettes don't smoke, people smoke.
Yes people have the choice to do so or not. However, it is less politically correct now for people to smoke these days. But it is very PC for people to be on facebook. For couples to have the freedom to have their own friends, including opposite sex friends. Boundaries again. 

How many spouses who would challenge their spouse use of Facebook are seen as jealous, controlling and insecure.

Personally, I am on facebook and so is my wife. We have total access to each others account. We are even friended. But I can tell you that from time to time I get contacted by folks that raise an eye brow and I steer clear. I steer clear because I know since I had an EA years ago, that I needed better boundaries. Being contacted by colleagues or friends ex wives is dubious for example. EXs themselves is a very bad idea. I have chat turned off on Facebook. 

So I have little doubt that the internet including Facebook are enablers but in ways that promote addiction as opposed to a black and white world of rational choice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> But ONLY a cheater will take advantage...so the people are the same.


I completely disagree. Think about what EAs really are. They are friends that start meeting each others needs. It becomes chemical. Now folks are not thinking clearly. Can this be helped? Yes, by having boundaries and being savvy. Most people do not have these boundaries and the way to get savvy is to make the mistake and learn from it.

Folks are way too willing to think that life is black and white. We are seduced in many ways we do not perceive. 

Falling in love with someone is not very rational if you really think about it. We become obsessed with them. We are all vulnerable to this. The formula and the threshholds vary from person to person and the threhhold is not as much related to character as people would want it to be. For some people the Facebook or internet is the right environment to slowly break down their boundaries. Being in love is not cold rational thought. So I say people who would not under any other circumstance cheat just might under these circumstances. They are not intending to do so. Now are their also people looking to cheat sure. I am saying we can all be seduced under the right circumstances if our boundaries are not good. If we are not savvy to the situation. I say this because I feel that most folks are naive and arrogant about this stuff. IMHO they do not treat this with the respect it needs.

As an example, if we have a spouse who does not intend to cheat, but they spend a large amount of time with a member of the opposite sex, effectively dating that person. There is a high probability that they will form an emotional bond to that friend. This will become an EA. Once the EA is deep enough then cheating is likely. So we say well hold on a second, one should not be dating another. One would know when to stop. I am saying that Facebook is a ramp into this type of scenario. Just like those who send 100s of texts to each other. remember many cheaters do not see themselves as cheaters. They rationalize.

So I do not believe that innately there are cheaters and non cheaters. It is a continuum of behavior. But that behavior is greatly influenced by circumstances. I am not a believer in having close opposite sex friends ... any more. I learned for me the hard way. Can some people handle it? Maybe, but I have serious doubts that this is true for all but a small percentage.

And also think about the logic. Only a cheater would cheat. Well if they cheat that makes them a cheater. I am saying a person does not have to be looking to cheat.

I respect both people on this planet that are incapable of cheating. If we can believe surveys maybe only 80% of people are true hard core cheaters.

All this said, what we are really talking about is not cheating per se. We are really talking about an environment that can enable inappropriate behavior, that could lead to unfaithful behavior that often leads to full blown cheating. If this was rare then no big deal. It is just all too common.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> I remember a time when boys and girls could be friends with each other plutonically... Guess that era died in the 90's with real music.


Very romantic. I remember when we could all just love one another and wear flowers in our hair. We could share each other s bodies. If we could not be with the one we loved, we loved the one we were with. Love is all we needed. But reality intervened for us as well.

We all can be idealistic at certain points in our lives.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

RDJ said:


> It was not facebook or texting that got my marriage in trouble.
> 
> It was facebook and texting that let me know my marriage was in trouble. :scratchhead:


Amen


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

QUOTE=chapparal;433128]Supposedly infidelity has tripled since 1997. I'm guessing the single biggest reason is the internet.[/QUOTE]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I've been involved in this discussion several times, in various forms, in the year and a half since I found out my husband got sucked into the world of cybersex, and I still don't know what the answer is. Would he have hired prostitutes if the internet didn't exist? I do not know but I think he probably would have, eventually. Would he be a sex addict? Yes, he would, because he exhibited those behaviours before cybersex came along. But I do know that there is no way it would have been so EASY for him!! He was able to be at home, cheating on me right under my very nose, for MONTHS. When he did finally take it further and arrange to meet up with other women, things got trickier and harder to hide.

I don't blame the internet for the choices my husband made. Those were his CHOICES. Perhaps it was inevitable given his psyche, but no one took over his hands and typed everything he did onto the keyboard except him. Neither of us are on facebook, and he actively avoids any type of interactive online sites such as bulletin boards, chats, etc. now. Perhaps a lot more people need to make that same choice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I guess you just have to know yourself and be aware of your own boundaries. Internet or not, cheaters will cheat.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

It certainly makes it easir to accomplish dating outside of marriage. 

It's like many other things. Good and bad.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I would say that buying a computer and talking on the phone too much has definately compromised my marriage. My husband has been complaining that I spend too much time talking to others on the phone, or playing on the computer when he is around. 

Today, I called him at work and promised to turn off the computer and cell phone when he comes home, as well as limit computer time on the weekends. My computer and cellie cannot hold me at night or make love to me-my husband comes first.


I do not talk to men who are not related to me on Facebook. It is not Facebook that ruins marriage, only the inappropriate things that married people do on it!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

SockPuppet said:


> Problem is, your husband turned to other women instead of trying to solverelationship issues. Seems you are doing the same by blaming facebook.
> 
> I remember a time when boys and girls could be friends with each other plutonically... Guess that era died in the 90's with real music.
> 
> ...


SP - you hit it right on... I've heard all sides of this coin and when it comes to technology and human interaction... there are more than two! 

I'm sure when the telephone was invented it had its scandalous time... or perhaps there were ellicit affairs via the wire and morse code... heck.. we can go even further back.. when the Ancient Egyptians developed papyrus paper and shorthand hierogyphics... 

It has nothing to do with the medium... it all about the user...

As to plutonic relationships... I really dont care for the nay sayers... its all about the strong INDIVIDUAL boundaries that are solely created for the SELF. That old school thing called SELF-DISCIPLINE... hmmm.. seems there is little trust or faith in that realm... sad... 

but I know it exists for me... so merrily I will go enjoying many beautiful PLUTONIC relationships ... people are amazing creatures, men and women... I am not going to forego them, nor do I have a right to forbid anyone of such.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

> As to plutonic relationships


I am sorry in advance, but... everytime I read this mispelling of "platonic", I can't help think... the only one who had a relationship with Pluto was Goofy...

And that's weird too because they are both dogs. Goofy has a pet dog named Pluto. How weird is that?


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> I am sorry in advance, but... everytime I read this mispelling of "platonic", I can't help think... the only one who had a relationship with Pluto was Goofy...
> 
> And that's weird too because they are both dogs. Goofy has a pet dog named Pluto. How weird is that?


HAHAHAHAHA... opps sorry... my bad... 

and an awesome correlated visual! Don't forget the two chipmunks... and donald... and daisy... and brutus...

cheers!


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

RDJ said:


> It was not facebook or texting that got my marriage in trouble.
> 
> It was facebook and texting that let me know my marriage was in trouble. :scratchhead:


So true.


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## allisterfiend (Sep 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's not facebook that ruins marriages. It's the people using it to do dirt that ruin marriages.
> 
> But we do see story after story on here saying how "My wife/hub found their old friend on FB" and then you know how the rest of the thread will go...
> 
> COUNTLESS TIMES.


I agree and dissagree. My wife and I are going through a tough time (look up How in the Hell...) And she always seems to be on FB every night before she goes to bed. So I looked up her page and she just recently added 6 guys as "friends". 

When I asked her whats up with that she immediately went to her go to that they are just guys she went to school with. One would think that after 26 years of marriage, if they were THAT important to her I would have heard of them before.

The next thing she said was pretty final. "Stay The Hell Off My FaceBook!"

Apparantly she feels she has something to hide.

Im pretty sure she checks my posts here so maybe she can understand how she is making me feel. Since she cant hear me when we are face to face.


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## careplus (Oct 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> It's not facebook that ruins marriages. It's the people using it to do dirt that ruin marriages.
> 
> But we do see story after story on here saying how "My wife/hub found their old friend on FB" and then you know how the rest of the thread will go...
> 
> COUNTLESS TIMES.


I totally agree with you.FB is not the problem but the people using it.Fact is that FB has come to stay and just as it helps others to get connected on a right plain,those who have twisted intentions can also use it to bring heart break to their home.


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## tigger01 (Oct 12, 2011)

Originally Posted by RDJ 
It was not facebook or texting that got my marriage in trouble. 

It was facebook and texting that let me know my marriage was in trouble. 

This is statement is so very true, and sadly, I am dealing with the same reality. It has opened my eyes to how vulnerable I really am, and how troubled our marriage really is. I wish you all the best!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Facebbok... my favorite subject on here. It hasn't affected our marriage. But i made sure i didnt' along time ago by getting her to agree with NO EX's as friends. That means no ex boyfriends, or ex sexual partners. That makes life sooooo much easier. Because i don't have to worry about, "Say, remember when we used to hang out at that club on Fridays???" 

So my point is, i don't need to be in contact with the chick that used to get to squirt in my second year in college. And she don't need to be in contact with the dude that was hung as a horse, that used to beat it up. This illiminates temptation. All it takes is a a moment of weakness from either party, and that ex that has been in their ear for weeks about "catching up"... now she / he finally has their ear. All about establishing boundaries.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: In the business world, we would say that FB (and tech in general) "lowers the barrier to entry" for cheating. FB doesn't make anyone do anything, it's just a piece of software. However, what once required stealthy phone calls and clandestine meetups covered with iffy excuses now just requires slightly turning your monitor or phone away from your spouse.

Entropy hit the nail on the head when he said that our culture has not properly adapted to these tech changes and the effects they have on our personal relationships. I write software for hospitals and on a daily basis I see technology moving faster than its users can keep up. I'd say it'll be 5-10 years before society at large really begins to see the ramifications of being so hyper-connected to EA/PA opportunities and sets better boundaries for themselves.

I wonder if there are any hard statistics related to this? Lots of anecdotal evidence, of course, but I'd like to see real numbers.


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