# Confused about whether I love my husband



## angelgirloz (Oct 13, 2010)

*Confused about whether I love my husband and my online love*

Well, this is another sexless marriage post..sorry:scratchhead:

Married almost 20 years, both virgins and only really had memorable sex with my husband once in our entire marriage. I have had affairs, the most painful ones were only emotional ones where I fell in love with the man online, and I am now in an emotional affair with a married man I met online who has gone away for a half a year and who I think about alot.

The problem is this, I don't blame my husband. I too have put on weight but I blame myself because I have mental health issues that mean that haven't really ever been focused on how to seduce my husband and be a good lover to him. I accept that we will never have children because of my mental issues (I have severe incurable obsessive-compulsive disorder) because I could not cope (even though in my fantasy I would love to have a child or two) and I now have to accept that in the bedroom, it is going to have to be me who initiates. But the problem is this:-

1) I am not naturally an initiator of sex and I don't desire my husband sexually anymore, but want to make some kind of effort for him because he is the man I married, who is there for me and who I love and who loves me;

2) This man I have met online told me that he really loves his wife and kids very much and will never leave them. Therefore, he does not want a sexually-exclusive relationship with anyone that could threaten his marriage.

Alot of people in the know say that this other married man cannot really love his wife because he has cheated in long-term relationships, yet I know he is sincere about his love for his wife and kids and he doesn't want to destroy their lives. He only bemoans that he and his wife are sexually incompatible, but he still LOVES her very much.

I think the experts really don't know what they are saying about how men who can cheat really CAN and DO love their wives!!

Nobody really knows if someone loves someone else and that nature of that love, so sometimes reading online advice makes me mad!

I guess what I am worried about is that I am vulnerable. Surely, if I loved my husband, I would do the best I could to initiate sex with him and wouldnt stray to other men in the way a man can.

I am confused...this other man may contact me one day (I doubt it though as I think he is worried by me and now has an excuse not to) and already I have fallen for him. It is o.k., though, eventually he will find someone who just gives him sex on the side without threatening his relationship...just the right amount of emotional connection, but not too much.

Easy for him, easy for anyone when you know you can't ever love this person really deep down. He has had long-term relatinonships outside marriage, but I do doubt whether he has truly fallen for his affair women, but I don't know him well enough to answer that.

I am SO confused and feel I am to blame for all of this - perhaps if I didn't have the mental illness (mostly due to neglect of my emotions by my older brother and sister who have unfortunately scarred me for life with some losses they have caused) I could deal with this, but I can't!

I am really unhappy - not just with my OCD which is crippling and incurable (I can't get those losses back) , but I think about this guy alot now that he is gone overseas.

So I am confused about whether I love my husband, or am jealous about my online lover and the fact he can never really love me ? (He also stated once that he thought that as I don't have kids I should leave my husband and start again)

Can anyone help me please without being too judgemental?

Thanks


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

You don't love the online guy. You don't even know him. He's an emotional distraction from your real problems. Sounds like you love your husband, but that the sex between you is complicated. The sexual attraction may be lacking due to chemistry, your illness or your meds - hard to tell and probably a little bit of each. You should start by discussing this with your doctor and maybe adding couple's counseling to your therapy (I assume you are in some sort of treatment for your disorder?). When you are struggling with a severe mental illness, it's often difficult to maneuver the complexities of a partnership and a love life as well without the help of the professionals around you.

Best of luck.


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## angelgirloz (Oct 13, 2010)

MsLady, thanks for your reply. You are right, I don't love the online guy. In fact, I am scared of the intensity of feelings I have for him already, not knowing him. I DO love my husband, but we don't have sex because I don't sexually desire him, there is NO chemistry after all these years.

I know I have a high sex drive, and my medication actually improves this, but it is not for my husband, at all. In fact, to have sex with him, I feel I have to fake it and pretend to be interested.

I don't think I resent him due to my illness, he couldn't have been there to stop the things I am upset about.

I am reading about acceptance and commitment therapy, I accept my husband for who he is is, because I get lots of benefits by being in this marriage, but the lack of real intimacy is destroying me, but not as much as my grief regarding the losses I obsess about.

I guess as the line in the song by Bob Dylan goes:- "You can't always get what you want...you get what you need"


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Love and lust are mutually exclusive things. It is quite possible that you love your husband, you just don't lust after him. However, the guy online you may lust, but you don't love (since you don't even really know him). Maybe it is best if you work on the lust thing with your husband.


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## malmale (Oct 5, 2010)

unleash the beast on ur hubby, let us know what happens after that!


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## angelgirloz (Oct 13, 2010)

Hi 76Trombones and malmale...thanks for your reply. I concede that I am no way in love with my online interest as yes, I don't know him and he has done nothing for me compared with my husband of nearly 20 years. However, your message 76Trombones belies the true nature of love and lust. You said that love and lust are separate things. I think that perhaps from an evolutionary point of view, it is very difficult to maintain lust for a partner after the "mating period" is over. I would think that if you work at it, you could have both love AND lust for your long-term partner with whom you are monogamous with, but it is not easy if things have happened which have killed that.

I thank you for your responses, but was really hoping for a more detailed, considered response from members on this forum, rather than a "textbook" response of unleashing lust on my husband. I mean, I don't feel lust for him, so I have to fake it which is hard.

Thanks


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## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Yup. I agree, lust and love have nothing to do with eachother for some people. For others, they are simply different aspects of the same relationship. That's how come guys like the one you've described can love their wives and have sex with someone else. 

I'm not here to argue against that, it's just not who i am though so i don't understand how that's possible 

"it is very difficult to maintain lust for a partner after the "mating period" is over" and that happens when you don't understand how attraction works for you. It's possible to maintain attraction in a partner for a million years assuming both people occasionally change little things. It's a bad idea to assume that as long as you love someone you'll be attracted to that person because it doesn't apply to everyone. Sometimes, in fact, love gets in the way because it brings a lot more responsibility to sex. You can relax when you're with a stranger, you might worry about your partner if you're with someone you love (that would be me, for example, strange guy = dildo, sex strictly for my pleasure, my husband = wonder if i'm too fat/thin, good enough, wonder if he likes it? sorry for being so blunt but i wanted to make a point). 

For starters, none of us are attracted so much by the physical part, we're attracted to personalities. That's why when our spouses become boring, predictable, safe, the same all the time and not what they used to be in the start, we get tired of sex and attraction goes away. What do you lust for in a guy? That's the first question to answer. Did you ever lust for your husband? If so, what parts of his personality triggered that and why do you think he stopped behaving that way? 

Resentment also plays a big part in the lack of attraction. Did he ever offend you or make you feel like you're not attractive over and over? Did you to the same to him till the point where he sticks to the same routine in bed to avoid rejection? Are there some things you really dislike about him? There are a lot of questions to ask yourself to figure out where the attraction was lost and why.

From the top of my head, you've mentioned that you're not a sexual initiator but that you want to initiate to fix things with your guy. Are you by any chance missing that fluttery, he's chasing me and really passionate about me kind of feeling from your guy? Do you need any confirmation on being attractive and does the weight thing affect your confidence? When people don't feel wanted and desired by a person a very natural and smart reaction is to shut down attraction for that certain person. We all lust after what we can't have but this only works if there's hope to get that certain someone. If the situation seems hopeless, your instincts (sometimes smarter than your conscious mind) will decide to cut off those feelings (attraction) so that you don't feel hurt and pain (because of the perceived and inevitable rejection). 

I have no idea which of the above it is so you'll have to give more details. From what you've described so far it could be anything. On top of that, keep in mind that most of us we'll just be guessing since none of us are actually experts in relationship issues. Yes, it blows that you have to fake it and it's quite possible that your husband can feel that and is wondering what's wrong. Also, be aware that there probably isn't a quick fix to this.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It sounds like you get involved with EAs because to you, they are "safe", as in you can get the emotional attachment you desire, but don't have to put out for them, as you feel you have to for your husband. With your H, you do love him, but there are "requirements" that you feel you cannot meet, but with the online ones, you don't have to, and you find yourself getting more peace of mind with them, especially the ones who won't even consider leaving their families.
One thing stood out for me: you hinted that you have no lust for your H because "things have happened which have killed that", and I wonder- did he do something to you in the past? Do you feel that you don't deserve him because of your past affairs? Or are you "hiding" behind your mental issues, pretty much giving up on ever having kids or a meaningful sexual relationship with the man you love?

P.S., if I can be a jerk for one minute, that was a Rolling Stones song. Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!!!


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## angelgirloz (Oct 13, 2010)

Nekko...

just a quick reply as I feel bad I have waited this long to reply....my husband prefers "fantasy sex" as in masturbating to scantily clad nubiles...for him to have sex with me or initiate it is for him like asking a prostitute to have sex with him to feed a physical itch and he says he loves me too much to do that. Sex is just a physical "itch" for him, not an expression of love and it is easier for him to satisfy himself and sexually, he is lazy. Yes, my weight worries me, but I have lost weight, I have had a gastric band inserted primarily for health reasons, I am now pre-diabetic, but I can have sex with almost any guy and have before that.

I will respond more when I have more time as I do think the detail in your response merits more of a reply from me.

F-102,

I have the emotional affair because I actually care and fall in lust/love with the guy before I have even had sex with them. I don't "put out" for my husband...sorry, I gave you the wrong impression there, I could "put out", but "putting out" implies he is asking me to, and well, he never asks me for sex and I am not going to initiate when he doesn't demonstrate the desire to. I actually do want to have sex with my online lover, just not sure whether it will happen, but if it doesn't, I have other ways of getting my physical needs met...by masturbating, or going to a "swingers's club", if I really need to have a man feel me and have sex with me. The latter works well with me, because it is emotionally "safe" for me, and I don't want anymore emotional complications in my life. It is not the same as having a loving, physical relationship, but it is the best I can get which looks after my emotional health, which is paramount to me, before physical needs.

Does that make sense?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Does your husband know about these online affairs and WHY are you remaining married?


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## angelgirloz (Oct 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous...with due respect...your attitude does come across as judgemental without even having read your other posts.

My husband does NOT know about my current online affair - he has known of previous ones which have failed, but not the current one, no, which may after all, amount to nothing. I have thought about leaving my husband because in fairness, it is the right thing to do, I love this man and I don't want him or his reputation destroyed, nor do I want him to be perceived as the cuckold who somehow did me wrong because he wasn't into sex with me and prefers cuddling and kissing to intercourse.

This is because before about 6 six years ago, I was happy with the way things were, we were never a sexual couple and I didn't care. Then one day, because I had the time and the circumstances and the mental state, I was awakened sexually at his expense.

I don't care so much if my reputation is tarnished, but I do care about him and his. I have thought about it and almost contemplated it. What worries me is that I may leave him and my selfish fear that I may never find someone who loves me as much as he does. I am a difficult person as I have chronic mental illness - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, the anxiety which this causes prays on my mind and there is no cure for my form of it as I cannot get over these losses. However, I will certainly lose love, but gain what? sex, passion, would it be worth it? Sex and Passion is only ONE aspect of a marriage.

The grass isn't necessarily greener on the other side...I could be exchanging the issues I have with my husband for "issues" with someone else who may not be so tolerant of mine.

Yes, I have thought about being single too. 

I hope that answers your question.


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