# Need Advice after stupidly looking though husband's old phone



## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Last night after clearing out some old boxes I found my husband's old phone, and stupidly charged it and snooped. We had some issues with emotional infidelity early on, and I have had insuricities since then. What I found was completely unexpected. 

I found a text that was sent to his friend when he and I were dating but on a break that said, 

"She doesn't look great in adult situations. She's lost weight and she's hangy in spots lets say. I know I'm a pig but big turn off. Not something I can do. Believe me I know i'm no George Clooney, but I don't want to feel like i'm settling. I'm still attracted to mousy earthy Zooey Dechanel type." So altogether, just not something I can do."

We ended up getting back together and getting married a year later, and it's been three years. 

Finding this text is emotionally breaking me as a person. 
I am "hangy" and it has been a constant struggle for me. I have also gained some weight back which is always a huge mental and physical issue for me. Did he just settle? Is he thinking about other people while he is intimate with me? I feel totally broken. 
I am so wrong for looking, but that damage is done. 

Advice please.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I don't know what hangy means.. I'm from the US too, I've never heard of it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

😔 Eavesdroppers rarely hear something they want to hear.

This is a text to a friend while you guys were broken up. He was probably mad at you. Could it be that he was picking out things to criticize because his feelings were hurt? Could this be nothing more than temporary sour grapes?

This was a pretty deep-dive snoop operation. IMHO, holding something he said to someone else while you guys were broken up is, frankly, you looking for something to be upset about. You’re insecure and you found something that validates your insecurity. Ask me how I know… you should let this go. You snooped, it was a long time ago and he was mad/sad/convincing himself he’d be ok without since the two of you broke up. He’s obviously changed his mind. If you want to start a row over this you can, but you’re only hurting yourself. I’d drop it.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> I don't know what hangy means.. I'm from the US too, I've never heard of it.


Have you heard of the pencil test. 😜


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Is he a perfect physical specimen?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you heard of the pencil test. 😜


Even a B cup can fail that test. Just saying. Unless Vargas is doing the rendering - then they will defy gravity.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you heard of the pencil test. 😜


Dude if they’re of any size at all a pencil will stay. The pencil test just means you have boobs. 😂😉


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Is he a perfect physical specimen?
> 
> 
> Blondilocks said:
> ...


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> 😔 Eavesdroppers rarely hear something they want to hear.
> 
> This is a text to a friend while you guys were broken up. He was probably mad at you. Could it be that he was picking out things to criticize because his feelings were hurt? Could this be nothing more than temporary sour grapes?
> 
> This was a pretty deep-dive snoop operation. IMHO, holding something he said to someone else while you guys were broken up is, frankly, you looking for something to be upset about. You’re insecure and you found something that validates your insecurity. Ask me how I know… you should let this go. You snooped, it was a long time ago and he was mad/sad/convincing himself he’d be ok without since the two of you broke up. He’s obviously changed his mind. If you want to start a row over this you can, but you’re only hurting yourself. I’d drop it.


This is good advice. Thank you, I appreciate it.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Is he a perfect physical specimen?


No one is perfect, but I would never complain to my friends about his imperfections because, despite them, I'm attracted to him. He does not feel the same way about mine, they are a "turn-off" for him, which makes me want to die.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

trulythemrs said:


> No one is perfect, but I would never complain to my friends about his imperfections because, despite them, I'm attracted to him. He does not feel the same way about mine, they are a "turn-off" for him, which makes me want to die.


No man is worth dying over.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> I don't know what hangy means.. I'm from the US too, I've never heard of it.


I've lost about 100 pounds and my stomach hangs as well as my chest. I also still have DD's after the weight loss so they look better in a good bra, but I guess not when I'm naked. 😔


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

trulythemrs said:


> I've lost about 100 pounds and my stomach hangs as well as my chest. I also still have DD's after the weight loss so they look better in a good bra, but I guess not when I'm naked. 😔


Congratulations on your weight loss. Weight loss is hard, slow work. I bet you’re being too hard on yourself. ❤❤❤❤


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Congratulations on your weight loss. Weight loss is hard, slow work. I bet you’re being too hard on yourself. ❤❤❤❤


Thank you. This text was actually from when I was smaller than I am now. I've probably gained 25 pounds back since being married, which is so hard for me, and why finding this text is killing me. I can't imagine he is somehow attracted to me with more weight on me. The bottom line is I wish I wouldn't have looked, I shouldn't have looked, and now I have to live with knowing how he truly feels and needs to decide if I can go on knowing what I know. Thank you for your compliment thought @TexasMom1216 and for your earlier advice, I do appreciate it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

How old are you? Losing 100 pounds is great, but you must have not been very healthy. Do you have any kids? Yes, it doesn’t sound like he is attracted to you physically. You’ve only got 3 years invested. You are going to have to make some strong decisions around your physical health and appearance and whether you want to stay married to someone that isn’t attracted to you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you heard of the pencil test. 😜


Ooh got it. Had never heard that before.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

trulythemrs said:


> I've lost about 100 pounds and my stomach hangs as well as my chest. I also still have DD's after the weight loss so they look better in a good bra, but I guess not when I'm naked. 😔


Well that was really rude of him to say that to another person about you!!


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

RebuildingMe said:


> How old are you? Losing 100 pounds is great, but you must have not been very healthy. Do you have any kids? Yes, it doesn’t sound like he is attracted to you physically. You’ve only got 3 years invested. You are going to have to make some strong decisions around your physical health and appearance and whether you want to stay married to someone that isn’t attracted to you.


I'm 35, he is 40. Yes, I have two kids from a previous marriage and a previous c-section, which he obviously knew before marrying me. Thanks for the advice, definitely have some things to think about.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Well that was really rude of him to say that to another person about you!!


yeah..tough to hear for sure.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

You read something that wasn't meant for you, so now you're going to have to find a way to make peace with that.

Having said that, if he's currently being disrespectful to you, my suggestion would be to brainstorm and decide how you're going to respond.

Bowing (staying silent) to contemptuous behavior is an invitation for it to continue. Don't allow him to talk down to you.

And I added this because if he says these sorts of things to others, it'll come out to you sooner or later.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Back in the day men (and women) would only see a small set of people inside their own village for the entirety of their lives.

So village boy falls for village girl and thats the most awesome thing ever (we all have those great grandparents who loved each other so much when one died the other died just after from sadness).

Nowdays people see so many people personally, and multiplies it by all the people you see at television, and get the false idea they can date such people and that village girl (or boy) is not enough anymore.

It only end up with average/or bellow average village boy (or girl):

Not setling bc theyre perpetually waiting
FOMO
Resent your partner for not being someone else
Heartache
Perpetually believe they could have done better if they had waited a bit more
...

Give him some drama, bc it seems his life is too calm and he has enough time to FALSELY believe he can do better.

BTW, i would show him the message and make him eat his cellphone (not the most calm gal, as you can see).


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You were not stupid for looking through his phone. But the risk of that is that you may find something you don’t like, from mildly upsetting to devastating.
What you found cuts pretty deep emotionally, I wish I had some solid guidance for you. I don’t, other than to say that I wouldn’t just stuff this and not address it. I would address it with him somehow because it is, and will continue to impact your relationship.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think the hard part is reading that he settled, or felt like at that time, to be settling. I would discuss it with him, because you can’t pretend like you didn’t read it. It was too hurtful unfortunately and it’s worth discussing. Ugh, that’s a tough spot.


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## DCW (6 mo ago)

trulythemrs said:


> Last night after clearing out some old boxes I found my husband's old phone, and stupidly charged it and snooped. We had some issues with emotional infidelity early on, and I have had insuricities since then. What I found was completely unexpected.
> 
> I found a text that was sent to his friend when he and I were dating but on a break that said,
> 
> ...


That sounds like something I guy would say to another guy to justify to him why you guys broke up. Assuming he hasn’t said these things to you since, I’m sure that’s all that is. Not a nice thing to read but keep in mind the situation.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

DCW said:


> That sounds like something I guy would say to another guy to justify to him why you guys broke up. Assuming he hasn’t said these things to you since, I’m sure that’s all that is. Not a nice thing to read but keep in mind the situation.


It was actually said to his sister…who is his Best friend. And the break at that point was his idea. 😞 I just feel. Ugh. Idk.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

trulythemrs said:


> It was actually said to his sister…who is his Best friend. And the break at that point was his idea. 😞 I just feel. Ugh. Idk.


So it was family. Yet more evidence it was never meant for anyone else and certainly not something he expected to get back to you.

If you do decide to confront him, I’d lead with an apology for snooping.


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## Max.HeadRoom (Jun 28, 2014)

After my 1st wife died in 2002 I read some of her diaries; she kept one daily since her childhood. I was looking to reconnect with her somehow. I chose to read entries 10 years prior to her death when we were just getting together. I did not find what I was hoping for and instead found her fears about me & us. I have not looked again. You like me are viewing this information with our present eyes, we are not the same as our previous selves. She did marry me as your guy did marry you.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

trulythemrs said:


> I've lost about 100 pounds and my stomach hangs as well as my chest. I also still have DD's after the weight loss so they look better in a good bra, but I guess not when I'm naked. 😔


100 #s is a HUGE accomplishment 👏 💣💥

You should be VERY proud of yourself.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Have you been insecure of your marriage for the last three years? What made you look at his old phone? 

How's your marriage right now?


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Max.HeadRoom said:


> After my 1st wife died in 2002 I read some of her diaries; she kept one daily since her childhood. I was looking to reconnect with her somehow. I chose to read entries 10 years prior to her death when we were just getting together. I did not find what I was hoping for and instead found her fears about me & us. I have not looked again. You like me are viewing this information with our present eyes, we are not the same as our previous selves. She did marry me as your guy did marry you.





pastasauce79 said:


> Have you been insecure of your marriage for the last three years? What made you look at his old phone?
> 
> How's your marriage right now?


When he and I were first married, he had an inappropriate friendship with a co-worker. Noting physical, but constant texting, deleting texts, changed her name in his phone to a man’s…so yes, insecurities have been there .
He has worked very hard the past year or so to build trust, and move past everything, but it’s always in the back of my mind. He is out of town for the week, going back to his hometown where he has several “old friends” and it makes me feel nervous when he is gone. (My problem, not his, hasn’t given me a reason while in his hometown to feel nervous, yet I do) so I suppose that is what led me to look at the old phone. 
To my knowledge, he has never physically cheated on me, but I just constantly feel that I am not enough, and finding this text seemingly confirms that.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> Have you heard of the pencil test. 😜


Oh I see. I have good new for you OP!
Something to chear you up a bit. 😄
I had an ex boyfriend, who didn't find me sexually actractive enough, because I didn't have hanging boobs.
I realised that he was always turned on by a friend of mine who had hanging boobs (she did tend to were no bras) and from what I saw on his PC he this was his preference. I mean my friend had hanging boobs, with nipples facing the floor!!! He got aroused seeing her wearing no bra. he never did get aroused that way with me.
I was rather a Zoe Deshanell body type and he wasn't into it at all. It was devistating to me.
Every men is different. Some prefer big girls, other petit girls, other tall..

Love should overcome all of it, but reality sometimes sucks 

If your husband isn't into your look it is wracking knowing this. Due to my ex I still feel bad at times.
The best thing that could happen to me in this relationship was the day I felt the urge to break up with him and to leave him forever! 😄

May this urge infect you one day aswell!


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

trulythemrs said:


> To my knowledge, he has never physically cheated on me, but I just constantly feel that I am not enough, and finding this text seemingly confirms that.


Does he ever compliment you? How's your sex life?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

So you’ve been married to him 3 years and he has cheated on you and he tells his family members he is not attracted to you. They probably ask him because they think he can do better. In fact, he’s already shown you he is trying to find better by way of cheating and hiding stuff. I think it’s time you show him the door.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

pastasauce79 said:


> Does he ever compliment you? How's your sex life?


Yes he does. He knows I’m self conscious, so he will tell me I’m beautiful. Sex life is okay. I definitely would like to more, but we average at least once a week.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

trulythemrs said:


> Sex life is okay. I definitely would like to more, but we average at least once a week.


40 years old man that averages once a week??? is him OK with this average? if so, then I'm afraid that yes, his post to his sister reflects that he "settled" with you. 40 years old dude should be getting on average 2-3 time a week as a minimum.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Does he have any male friends? His _sister_ is his best friend? He is currently in his hometown doing what?

This doesn't sound like a recipe for a long and happy marriage.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

trulythemrs said:


> I'm 35, he is 40. Yes, I have two kids from a previous marriage and a previous c-section, which he obviously knew before marrying me. Thanks for the advice, definitely have some things to think about.


Was he married before as well? Are you a step-mom?


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

moon7 said:


> Back in the day men (and women) would only see a small set of people inside their own village for the entirety of their lives.
> 
> So village boy falls for village girl and thats the most awesome thing ever (we all have those great grandparents who loved each other so much when one died the other died just after from sadness).
> 
> ...


I love the story about the village. Totally appreciate this. This modern world is making marriage really, really difficult. I am guilty, not of infidelity, but of not valuing my partner enough.

I have thought through the process you describe as well, two people come together and there never is a real question after that (it seems)....see it a lot with much older married couples. 

Thanks for sharing this.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> 40 years old man that averages once a week??? is him OK with this average? if so, then I'm afraid that yes, his post to his sister reflects that he "settled" with you. 40 years old dude should be getting on average 2-3 time a week as a minimum.


Well my fear is, he is not okay with that average, but he isn’t attracted to me, and apparently never has been, that’s why he only gets it done once, maybe twice a week. He does initiate, and is seemingly interested, but his text is definitely bothersome. I would have sex every night if he was up to it, but he does work a very weird schedule and is tired all of the time because if that. Saturday’s and Sundays he usually always game.


uwe.blab said:


> Was he married before as well? Are you a step-mom?


no. Second marriage for me, first for him.


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## trulythemrs (6 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> Does he have any male friends? His _sister_ is his best friend? He is currently in his hometown doing what?
> 
> This doesn't sound like a recipe for a long and happy marriage.


He has a few. Very close to his family though. His father is almost 80, so he likes to spend as much time as he can there. He is there for a week, while my friend and her kids are visiting me from out of state.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> So you’ve been married to him 3 years and he has cheated on you and he tells his family members he is not attracted to you. They probably ask him because they think he can do better. In fact, he’s already shown you he is trying to find better by way of cheating and hiding stuff. I think it’s time you show him the door.


Yeah, I mean....I would question the relationship if I read that too. I think keeping it to yourself is going to make it worse, but I am not sure what he can do or say at this point to alleviate your doubts...and you do also have reason to question the trust. What the heck was going on with that woman he was texting?


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

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