# Do I want to know?



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for 26 years. I do think she loves me and I love her. We have a long history together and together we successfully raised a great son, now grown up and out of the house. We are empty nesters, living a comfortable lifestyle in the suburbs. Not rich, but far from poor. 

A few weeks ago during our regular “date night” talks we started drinking a little and started talking about our pasts. Started exploring and talking about things that the other may have not know about. It was fun at first, and it was great getting to know each other better. 

Then some things started coming out that were a little more --- steamy, shall we say? First I found out about a relationship that included sex she had with somebody at college that I did not know about. It took me a few weeks to get over that, but… I eventually did. It was somebody I never met, never will meet, it was a long time ago, it was a college fling.

The exploring of our lives continued… until a couple of weeks ago she admitted to having a threesome with some of our best friends. The girl was my wife’s maid of honor, the guy was a member of my wedding party. We have been with these people many many times over the years. Camping, parties, dinners, FOR 26 YEARS, this secret has been kept from me. I feel like I have been the dupe of a cruel joke. 

My wife swears it was just a dumb college thing. It didn’t mean anything. It was just sex. It was never discussed since. They all felt embarrassed, etc. But I cannot stop thinking about it. It is consuming me. We have been talking it out. But I am becoming obsessed. 

Question: Do I want to know more? Would it help to explore exactly what happened? Or should I let it lie and somehow move on? Should we explore our lives more? I am afraid of what else is out there to discover. This has been a real blow. I am dealing with emotions I have never had to deal with before. How do I move on?

I know this is not an infidelity thing, but it sure feels like it… any advice would be appreciated.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If it bothers you just drop it. She was honest, and it has nothing to do with you.

draconis


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

I am sure that is good advice, but somehow I cannot just drop it. It is litterally my ever third or fourth thought. 

How do you just drop something like that?


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

you can move on, but you have to remind yourself its her past . its not your past.
your thinking like this after 26 yrs and its ashame u didnt accept that she had a past in the first place b 4 she met you.
my advice - i agree with drac , she was honest , its nothing to do with you .
what you did together is everything to do with you.
i think youve just had a huge shock because its come out after all this time.
i give u some of my experiences. my h and i were split (years ago) and he met someone. they lasted a month. but we were split, ok i asked for some details and after that you simply have to accept that we werent together at the time.
i have done the same stuff as your wife and its my past. my H knows about it and its no big deal. but its my past.
so who is he to encroach on my life, when he simply wasnt in it at the time.
you have to move on.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It's not the issue of her past...but the betrayal of a trust in that they all kept it from him for 26 years. I think I'd have a problem with my friends (and wife) keeping somethign like that from me, too. Then, too, knowing one of my friends "had her".


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree its her past and as long as she was faithful to you in your marriage then you are allll good! I would be hurt about her not telling you all these years but you have to figure she was embarresed and loved you. She was afraid you would react the way you are now. And she didnt want that.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

Thanks folks... this is helping. 

We have been talking this through and I want to put it behind me. She certainly does. I have told her, and she agrees, that if anything, we want this to make us stronger as a couple, not tear us apart. 

But something... probably male testosterone or maybe lust keeps me thinking about it and makes me want to know the dirty details and makes me create elaborate fantasies in my mind. 

Would it do any good at all to explore this more with her? Or should we just stop talking about it? 

I also wonder if there is any value to more "date night" explorations. I want to know my wife, but I fear for more surprises. 

This has already been very thereputic. Bear with me a little while longer. 

Thanks.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I wouldn't pursue it. 

My GF revealed things that I was surprised to find out. Out of my own curiousity, I'd like to have asked for more details, but I didn't want to make it "an issue" between us. 

I got over the revelations but it's in a back, small corner of my mind where I can generally ignore it. 

I might suggest no more date night explorations (of this nature). Not of the past, but perhaps of fantasies. Something more fun.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You are a stronger man then me. The wife and I could get past this. But I could not look at the friends again. Why? Because for the last 26 years They have probably chuckled "if he only knew". I guess it is called a consequence. It's not that your wife did it. Its that it is something from her past that she withheld from you that has the potential of leaving you open to disrespect and ridicule today. I would hope your wife would give you the option of ending your friendship (and hers) with them. You are an exceptional man to be able to look at them the same and not feel a flare of jealousy.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

"My wife swears it was just a dumb college thing. It didn’t mean anything. It was just sex. It was never discussed since. They all felt embarrassed, etc. But I cannot stop thinking about it. It is consuming me. We have been talking it out. But I am becoming obsessed."

This is the troubling point. 

They all felt embarrassed, etc. 

The question is, If they all felt embarrassed, when did they discuss it to confirm "they ALL felt embarrassed"? Was there any agreement between the three of them to never let you find out. I mean "if it was only sex" and "it didn't mean anything" then there was no need for them to keep this hidden. I think you know the answer to this question.

It's obviously painful to you. Sit your wife down look into her eyes and ask her if she has not thought about sex with him in the 26 years of your marriage? If she can do that without looking away, you only have two more tests to go. Ask her if she can keep herself from thinking about the threesome for the rest of your marriage? And then the last one. Can YOU keep from thinking about them together for the rest of your marriage. If the answer to any of these questions is no, you risk a root of bitterness developing in your relationship. I would fear that more then the loss of a friendship.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Why would your friends bring it up?

Here is some experience, I dated and slept with a girl, than another friend did. A few years later a third friend did, he talk and asked about her and after the information ate him up and he broke off the best relationship he had ever had because he "pictured her with us" or thought something might still be there.

People do things, and people change. You should thank her for her honesty and move on. The fact your friends didn't say anything has nothing to do with friendship and they seem to know you better that you might get jealous and mad for a past that had nothing to do with you. It was in your best interest that they said nothing, and I doubt they ever laughed because you didn't know.

draconis


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The fact your friends didn't say anything has nothing to do with friendship and they seem to know you better that you might get jealous and mad for a past that had nothing to do with you. It was in your best interest that they said nothing, and I doubt they ever laughed because you didn't know.

The problem remains. He knows. You can't un-break an egg. Thank her for her honesty? That leads to the big question. Would he have married her if he knew at the time? He was not allowed to make that decision. That is deception. He was not told at the time because she was AFRAID to tell him. She did not just forget it happened. Your friend couldn't deal with it. If RRL has an issue with it now. He would most likely have had an issue with it then. Another question is has Mrs. RRL told the other couple that her husband knows? Was it done with him present. This is a serious issue. It may not be fair to bring up the past but in this case the decision to marry was made without all the information. When RRL is saying he is becoming obsessed with it. It is already a problem. And unless dealt with could adversely effect their future together. I agree with Draconis a lot of the time. But on this we part ways.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Her past is HERS not his. He had to reveal stuff SHE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT TOO. She never lied and said she didn't do xyz, and he never asked before this. For 26 years she has been a good wife from what I can see. On the same grounds my wife would not have married me for my weakness of my past including the failure to listen during communications. But I am a different person, I learned how to better myself. Many people do things during college years to see what they want, to try something, or to get it out of there system. Unless during this she had brought a STD to the relationship frankly it is none of his business.

draconis

draconis


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

draconis,

Everything you say is probably true. Both of us have valid points. This situation is subjective to us. It is objective to RRL. Because he is living it. Neither of us know him. All we can respond to is what he wrote. He may well be able to look at the situation after reading the opinions here and say "You know that makes sense" and never think of it again. He may be as likely to continue to feeling obsessed and hurt by this. If the later is true then he needs to address and deal with those feelings. He will have to the judge of that. I enjoy our discussions. Have a nice day.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

Once again, thanks folks… this dialog is excellent.

There are a couple of things that are in my favor here: One is that the friends in question are 600 miles away and we only see them maybe once a year. At this point there are no visits planned. 

I am not sure if my W has told them she told me, but she says she has not. I want to believe her. The other night she asked me if I wanted for us to have no more contact with them. I told her no – no more contact, for now. Until I can work this out in my mind. She didn’t commit to this, but she didn’t say she would stay in contact with them either. 

The friends in question are old, old friends – my W and I have been friends with them since high school. We are 48 now. So I know there is a reluctance to end the relationship – at least on her part. The way I feel right now, I would not want to see them ever again. BTW, the “old friends” are married to each other. My W was maid of honor in their wedding party. Not sure what this has to do with the conversation.

My W and I went for a long walk the other night and I spilled my emotions to her. She took it all well, and reiterated that she wants to keep our relationship strong and wants to put this behind us. She said she would love to change time and wish it (the 3some) had never happened. She also says she wishes she had never told me. She wants me and nobody else, etc. I do believe her in this. 

One thing I told her is that one thing that keeps going through my mind is that I fear “the best sex she has ever had” was with another man. She says she has had her best sex with me. I do want to believe her, but we never did a 3some together! Would that be great sex? I do not know, never done one, probably never will. Anyway, she does seem willing to “spice things up a little” in the bedroom. We are openly talking about our wants and desires and we bought some adult dvds (they are supposed to be instructional – to help older adults improve their sex lives, but they are really just porn) that we started watching together. She claims to hate them and kept averting her eyes as we watched, but the point is, she is trying.

I do think there is hope here, and I think we are doing all the right things. We just need to keep working at solving this problem and we cannot give up. Sweeping it under the rug won’t help. I know that. We have continued our Date Night Discussions, but we are focusing on US AND OUR LIFE TOGETHER AND OUR FUTURE, not relationships and things that happened before we became a couple. 

A big question moving forward will be how to handle the friends. Will we ever see them or communicate with them again? I do not know. Another big question is how do I handle my thoughts of her being with someone else. Last time we made love I kept thinking “I am where <the male friend> was”…. I hate that thought!!!

Thanks again for listening.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

To Draconis’ point: “He had to reveal stuff SHE DID NOT KNOW ABOUT TOO. She never lied and said she didn't do xyz, and he never asked before this.” 

What I revealed shocked her, but in the opposite way. I have never had any sexual relationships other than with her. She was my first, and only. She expected that there were other women. There were not. 

Did she lie? A little. The “truth” came out over several weeks. One week we somehow got on the subject of swinging. We talked about if we would like to do it. I told her I have thought about it, but would probably never act on it. She told me “the friends” had once invited her to do it. She said she turned them down. 

Then a week or two later the “truth” came out.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You have shed more light on this situation. You have all known each other since junior high. So this happened after you met. Were you seeing each other when this happened? 

Regarding the DVDs. Dump them. Men are visual. Women are relational. You need to be focusing on her not the movies. Try messages, talking on the phone seductively during the day (to build the heat). Surprise each other with getaways. Or running her a bath after a long day with scented candles. You want to really knock her socks off. Right her a letter expressing your deepest feelings to her. I mean we're guys. We get horny watching paint dry. But women want to be courted and seduced. You probably know all these things. You just need to remember how much she likes them.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

RRL said:


> She said she turned them down.
> 
> Then a week or two later the “truth” came out.


I think I can understand why your wife wanted to let the truth out bit by bit. She loves you! You have a fantastic wife, and yo are so lucky to have found her right away. You will probably have made her day when she learned she is your only "conquest".

One thing that might help you is to ask yourself why you are jealous. why do you care she has a past. Why does it bother you that over 26 years ago, somebody went where you go now? I know it seems a ridiculous question. But ask yourself why it bothers you.

I don't want to shock you but...

I am totally the opposite of you, I have been with my wife 20 years. She has a past, and I love hearing about it, although she seems to have lost some of the detail over time. In my mind I am her best lover ever. I have taken all this time to get to know how she likes it. I make her cum every time. 

I have told her point blank that I don't mind her looking at other guys when she is out shopping - 25 y/olds that I could not possibly compete with. I love to watch her head turn. But when she gets home, I get the benefit of whatever has been going through her head. I think of those guys as my friends 

There are very few things to fear in life. All the tales of bogey men are empty threats. Rejoice in the fact that it is your own mind that is the source of your trouble, not her actions in the past.

Good luck with the DVDs. Once you relax, you are going to have a lot of fun. 

Actually, sorry to ramble on, but I just remembered something... my wife had annoyed me one day, but I was horny, and I knew I had a choice. Pick a fight and not get sex for a day or two, or just let it go... guess which one I chose?

Another time, I chose to have the argument. We had no sex that night, and the next day we felt like "death warmed up" because we got no sleep due to the arguing late at night.

You are very lucky to have only been with one women. Don't let this drive a wedge between you, or you'll be looking for the next.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You had mentioned to draconis that the subject of swinging came up. Think back to your conversation. Who brought it up? I would not even entertain the idea of swinging. If all you could think of the last time you made love was that "your friend was there where you are" you definitely do not want anymore company to worry about or compare yourself to.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

Initfortheduration said:


> You had mentioned to draconis that the subject of swinging came up. Think back to your conversation. Who brought it up? I would not even entertain the idea of swinging. If all you could think of the last time you made love was that "your friend was there where you are" you definitely do not want anymore company to worry about or compare yourself to.


Who brought it up? She did, but after she discovered that I had been reading an article (on MSNBC.COM of all places!!) about swinging.

I do not think we are entertaining the idea of swinging. There was some talk, but I doubt it will go anywhere. I think what I want to do most is maximize my relationship with THIS woman. I think that is what she wants, too. 

Thanks again everyone for your comments. They have all helped and I think I am close to first understanding all my thought/emotions and second figuring out what to do from here. 

What a blessing from God this this board has been.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

To reply to infortheduration: We have known each other since junior high. All the involved were part of a group that hung out together. I took the OW in the 3some to the prom. Nothing sexual happened between her and me. W and I did not start dating until after the 3some happened.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Forget the DVDs. Try romance. Good luck with your friends. Please let us know how it works out for you.


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

Thanks to this board, and to a loving and understanding wife, “things” seem to be getting better. Healing is underway. 

My wife and I discussed last night if the “other people” would be told that I know. We agreed that they would not be. IF (and this is a big if) I ever feel comfortable to do so, I will initiate, not her. She also agreed to drastically minimize contact with the other people. Since the “OW” is one of her best friends she may communicate a little, but visits, if there are any over the next year or so (they are 600 miles away), would be with my blessing and would be with the OW only, not with the guy. 

I have no desire at this point to visit the other people and think it may be a year or more (if ever) that I do have the desire. 

I have begun to notice that my “obsessiveness” over this matter is waning and my thinking has been changing. It is changing from negative – anger, shock, jealousy, lust, to a little more positive. I actually have caught myself being a little impressed that my W was able to get herself into “the situation” (it shows a wild side to her that I previously did not know existed) and proud that while she was obviously very attractive to other guys before we got together – including some guys who where or would soon be very successful – SHE CHOSE ME to spend her life with. In male ego terms… I won the contest. 

All in all I think this episode is strengthening our marriage. I know my wife better now, she knows me better now. We are weathering a storm with love and understanding. It is not totally behind us yet – and probably will never be totally behind us – it will always be a thought that comes up now and then – but it isn’t the huge problem it was just a few days ago. 

So now we focus on the future. On making the years we have ahead of the best they can be. On making the memories to come better than the memories that were.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It sounds very positive. Especially your wife understanding that she needs to distance herself from the husband of her friend. Not because she as done anything wrong. But to affirm and show her concern for your feelings over the issue. Good luck.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

RRL-

Glad things are getting better.

I hope with time you can ease up on your wife re the OW and even her husband. Again, ask yourself why your male ego is offended...

One thing to watch out for, which is a common them with women, is that if they are made to feel guilty about something sexual, they can shut down sexually to their partner. And I presume you do not want that result?


----------



## RRL (Dec 15, 2008)

MarkTwain – 

Good points.

I will continue to take your advice regarding my male ego. 

I think much of it has to do with the surprise of learning about my wife’s much more “active” past than I had heretofore known about. Was I naïve? Stupid? Head in the sand? Probably. But regardless, for 26 years I never thought at all about my wife with other men. Other than the occasional fantasy or thoughts that came and went. 

Also comparing her past to my zero experience with other women, made me and my wife seem worlds apart from a sexual standpoint. 

Suddenly, after 26 years I was thinking about things like “how do I compare to the others”, is she thinking of me or <the other guy>. If she did with them, would she be willing do it with me? Are there other men, or other things I do not know about? Things like that. This was all new to me. I had to deal with emotions and process feelings that I never knew I had. 

Lastly having the “other people” be friends of ours that I have interacted with for so long and had zero reason to suspect about ANYTHING of this nature just knocked me for a loop.


----------

