# If a man tries to fix a problem himself...



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

and he is fixing something that didnt need to be fixed... then what do you do a year and a half later when the damage is done? All this time my husband thought he was doing something for me bc he had analyzed our relationship without talking to me about it and implemented change. That, even though looks like a good thing destroyed our relationship/friendship. He was "fixing" something that didnt need to be fixed. I was absolutely 100% with the amount of sex we had, as I liked how into the sex he was... I just temporarily needed more of it back then during high stress times of my divorce. That is what I told him, temporary... as in "I wont need this much forever, but the sex helps my body deal with stress". It didnt mean give up what else we had, which is what he did in his fixing of the "problem". He gave up the fun mutually passionate sex and became a human dildo (dont take that the wrong way), but he would seriously just lay there and turn his head away sometimes bc he was so repulsed. In the beginning, I just figured it was the natural eveolution of a sexual relationship (bc I hadnt really ever had that wwith my ex bc of his ED) and it was not going to be so fun and wild anymore, I thought he was doing something for me... but turning his head away and saying no when I wanted to kis him... or simply pushing me away withhis hands or arms? That did not seem like the normal evolution. SO being a woman, I figured it was me, something repulsed him about me. 

Daily his resentment grew, and I would ask why he didnt want to be with me or why did he push me away so much... he would say he didnt push me away... actually he began to rage about this point. He was bc he was thinking he was "giving" me enough, the way he thought I wanted it. 

So, fast forward to now and I dont know what to do. I feel like I have been vindicated... I was right all along, why couldnt he just listen to me? AND, I feel like until he actually figures out what I REALLY want by asking me or by doing the things in therapy I have stated and implement at least some of it (and not what HE thinks I want)... bc he has yet to carry out stuff from therapy more than a one time occurence... I dont want to have sex with him. All those rejections bc he thought he was doing things on my terms and didnt want to give another ounce, were all bc of his "fixing" something that was not broken. Now we are broken and the real fixing needs to start with him accepting that this mess was started by his "fixing" and subsequent growing resentment bc of said fixing. Of course he wont see it that way, bc he doesnt like things to be his fault... ever. But, Im sorry he cant escape this one. Be humbled and be exhaulted. If you dont repent you cannot be forgiven. Claim acceptance for your own part in things. Etc...

The sooner he apologizes for fixing what did not need fixing and pushing me away bc of his own resentment caused by his own fixing, the sooner we can get back on track... I hope he now can understand why I thought he didnt want to be with me, as I can see why he didnt understand that I thought that (looking at this from HIS perspective)... Please try to see this entire nearly 2 year drama from my eyes! Then, maybe he will understand why I wanted to break up with him, bc he was so obviously (from my side) not into me, not willing to do things that I asked for etc. and it was not fair to either of us to continue on like that. He wouldnt let me break up with him, and I listened.

Sorry for being so long winded, but I feel like the whirlwind of the "unknown" has stopped all at once and am dizzy from the after effects. Any suggestions for how to get out of this mess?
:scratchhead:


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sit back and wait to see if things have changed. 

I think being upset because he claims to have done something that wasn't necessary without knowing if things are going to change puts the cart before the horse. If his claim is true, sex will resume in force. And then it will be easier to get over the dumb thing he did. 

Give him a chance. Force yourself to have sex with him. It'll feel good once you get started. So just do it.

I can understand wanting to hear that he's sorry and such, but your attitude is really counterproductive to your longer-range goals. So get ahold of yourself YOURSELF. Don't do more damage.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Ok, Ill see what I can do about that. Cant I just relish for a bit in the fact that I "knew" he was pushing me away and there was some reason for it?

I only hope that this is for real and that its really why he doesnt flirt with me anymore etc. I didnt get married to be lonely, I got married to have one lover for the remainder of my years. If I wanted a roommate, I would have found a roommate.

Wish me luck!


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

For now, I will live vicariously through the character "Charlie" on Two and a Half Men.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

LOL!!!! You gave me a really good laugh there.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

reading your post reminded me of when the whole sex issue exploded between my H and I. I burned my boundary book, through out all my lingerie, and swore off sex. i was so ticked off. man, we were really on two different planets. 

i think you outta just let things play out, and work themselves out. your H seems to be very emotionally abusive, though. i think it will be very hard for him to come out of his current state of mind.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Blanca, I think you may be right. I would have felt like here is another night where we are doing what he wants... and when is it his turn to do something I want. If I give him what he wants before he gives me what I want, I will reinforce that its ok for him NOT to do those things for me... why should he if I will always do what he wants. I told him last night that I am going to keep my distance until he starts doing the things that he knows I want... his response was that I would be waiting a long time. Im at a place that I can no longer just turn it on anymore, I need cerebral foreplay in the form of written words... during the day to lead me up to the night when we are going to have sex, and he point blank told me he wont do that. 

My bad last night is I got upset and said some hurtful things, bc I felt like he didnt care enough about me to do a few things that take all of 5-10 minutes total out of a day (to write a few txts or emails to me talking about what we are going to do that night, flirting, enticing, anticipating). I just cant get into the mood with none of that and then get into bed and go for it anymore. Oh, and I dont think it helps that my cycles are 5 weeks long for the first time in my life... I know that when you head into that realm, hormones may not be playing in a woman's favor. I always had 28-30 day cycles, since onset as a preteen.

Sorry Dobo, I just couldnt do it without any prior foreplay/talk/sentiments. I think I now understand some other women's dilemmas about feeling hollow and resntful by doing it when you dont want, bc that is how I would have felt last night.


----------



## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> Sorry for being so long winded, but I feel like the whirlwind of the "unknown" has stopped all at once and am dizzy from the after effects. *Any suggestions for how to get out of this mess?
> :scratchhead:*


It's fairly simple. You need to get to the root of the resentments. Once you do this, you will open up the doors to healthy productive communication. Might sound simple, but will require some effort on both parts here.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I think you could stand to work on some of this on your own. Remember, if he is indeed telling the truth, you don't go from zero to 1000 overnight. This is a rebuilding process. You being demanding isn't going to help.

I know you've suffered. Trust me, I know how guys lie about sex. They're the worst. It is about everything except for what it is really about. Blah, blah, blah. 

However, you have to give him a chance. He's not wired like you. So don't want it all, NOW. That's bratty. And you're not a brat. You didin't put up with him all this time to get to where there was a chance of something positive happening just to sabatoge it, did you? You really need to think why you might want to wreck this now. And then he can turn it back on you.

I'm sorry but you have no choice but to let him either rise or fall on his own. Pun intended. ;-)

Patience. 

Apparently that 5 languages book would normally be mentioned right now so I'll do it and save someone else the bother.


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

He is not telling the truth, none of it has anything to do with him and he "wont apologize for any of it." He thinks his revelation was nothing to do with our problems... its all me and asking for sex. Im done posting about this for a while, bc its just upsetting me further. I just want to forget about that I once enjoyed sex and wont be seeing it for a long time if ever again. Thank you for all your suggestions and when I cool off from what he said to me last night, I may consider doing the things suggested here. But for now, I need to be selfish and think about me for once. 

You have been invaluable for clarifying things and I will be back soon, when I am better able to help out others and not be so wrapped up in my own mess.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you saying he said he lied?


----------



## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Ok, I cooled off having lunch with a friend. Dobo, yes he lied when he said in therapy that he would agree to do certain, specific things for the realtionship, and has not yet done them. Why he promised me and the therapist he would do things he hasnt done... I dont know. Maybe since he feels he hasnt done anything wrong, he doesnt really have to do anything to help us get to a better place. By his words and actions, in his mind, its my fault and my responsibility to make us work. He says we "talk" about it all the time. I have to remind him that we dont actually talk about it, we start to and then he side tracks and an argument about it or something else ensues. If we could actually talk about it, it would be done and over. Or, in the alternative... one which I prefer... is to NOT talk about it, and he just starts doing the things he says he is going to do each week in therapy! Novel idea I have done some of the things I said I would, I started to do all, but when he didnt follow suit I would have a slip up out of frustration. I was very honest in therapy... if I didnt feel I could do the assignment, I said "I cant do that, Im not ready to do that." He would say he would and then not.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Then don't get your hopes up that what he said was the root of the problem is actually the truth, either.

Dang. Does he want to stay married?


----------

