# Bad idea for BS to go into reconciling reluctantly?



## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Okay, I have gone through STD testing (had no idea how humiliating that would be). 

Went to see lawyer, he says who gets the house will be tricky because he inherited from his grandmother and its in his name. But I do have a good chance. But it will take time and I can't make him leave and I don't want to leave because I have the kids. This was a free consult and, well, you get what you pay for.

In the meantime, we have MC appointment coming up. 

I have talk to my whole family about my husband's cheating and it was VERY discouraging to say the least:

1. Everybody seemed to have already knew, and thought i knew too because of the times he would "disappear" from family gatherings. (I guess I did; didn't want to face it.)

2. Half think it's no big deal, sometimes men cheat. I need to "tighten up things at home." WHAT???? If any wife has been on her game, I have. See my other posts.

3. Since he wants to try to make this work, I should be willing.

4. This is the most discouraging. There are several other cheaters in my family as well, male and female. Apparently I'm the only one who's eyes were wide shut. My sister, who has told me that her husband is a serial cheater, but she doesn't give a dayum as long as he brings home the paycheck (she's a SAHM Mom like me), has finally admitted that she has done her share of cheating but nobody does it for her like her husband and she knows he feels the same way. That's a more pathetic situation than mine, but if works for them, whatever.

So anyway, I have decided to reluctantly give R a try, mainly because he seems to want it so much and has said he will do anything to make this work, even if we have to live separately in the house for a while. Honestly, it is like his cheating was like a pin that popped a balloon in my feelings toward him. I really don't even know if sex with him will work anymore. I have given him the TAM list of what he must do, with the heavy lifting. He says its worth it because he loves me, loves our kids, and doesn't want to lose his family. Ho hum.

Has anyone gone into R with feelings like this? Did it work for you? Was it worth it? Is it a bad idea to live separately under same roof?

I would so much appreciate any comments you can give.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why go into R if you don't even want to?


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Why go into R if you don't even want to?


Answer was in my post:



> So anyway, I have decided to reluctantly give R a try, mainly because he seems to want it so much and has said he will do anything to make this work


But why, because I guess I feel like I should try just to say I tried.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I see. Well to answer your original question I'm going to say yes. 

How long have you guys been married and do you really think he can change?


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If that is the only reason you are doing it, I hope you are prepared for it to fail. You can't R without committing to the process... How long are you going to give it?


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Jasel said:


> I see. Well to answer your original question I'm going to say yes.
> 
> How long have you guys been married and do you really think he can change?


We have been married almost 8 years. I'm not sure if he can change. I really thought we had a great relationship, and I really put in work to keep it that way. My goal was to make him just be happy to get home, and I enjoyed doing it. Even down to making sure he to keep myself attractive and in shape. Everyone thought it was trip to see me freshen up when it came time for him to come home, but I liked doing it (putting on on a touch of make-up, changing out of my sweats, etc.) And he seemed like he loved and appreciated it.

His cheating seemed to have popped up out of nowhere. I told him I didn't want to hear the gory details, but I guess it's going to have to come out in MC.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> If that is the only reason you are doing it, I hope you are prepared for it to fail. You can't R without committing to the process... How long are you going to give it?


Out of a scale of 1 to10, I give it a .5 But at least I would have tried. 

Before I make a decision on how long to give it, I want to wait for first counseling session. I might not even go through with it depending on how that turns out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

cherish said:


> We have been married almost 8 years. I'm not sure if he can change. I really thought we had a great relationship, and I really put in work to keep it that way. My goal was to make him just be happy to get home, and I enjoyed doing it. Even down to making sure he to keep myself attractive and in shape. Everyone thought it was trip to see me freshen up when it came time for him to come home, but I liked doing it (putting on on a touch of make-up, changing out of my sweats, etc.) And he seemed like he loved and appreciated it.
> 
> His cheating seemed to have popped up out of nowhere. I told him I didn't want to hear the gory details, *but I guess it's going to have to come out in MC.*


_Only if you want it to_. If you do not want to know, tell him and the MC that.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You didn't want the details, so you don't even know exactly what you are trying to get over. The basic fact of his cheating is essentially a dealbreaker for you because you're only trying this to be able to say you tried.

I think you have to know exactly what he did to really know whether you should try to R.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Have you taken the time to sort through your own feelings? What do you want out of life? Can you forgive him? It'll be hard either way, but reconciling, you will be living with the source of your anger, are you going to be able to do that? 
There are no guarantees either way. Do you think this was an expression of his true self, or a lapse, for what ever reason? Has he given you reasons?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

R is going to be much harder with the attitudes expressed by the relatives. In no time, they're going to tell him you're making a big deal out of nothing. And no matter what you say - he'll come to believe it. 

If you want to "just see" what happens in R - then go ahead as is. 

But if you really want R to have a chance you have to (1) know all that he did (2) remove yourselves from the relatives.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Many a BW have cold feet starting recovery.

So do not let that stop you. However if you are going to recover then do it the right way.

There is a lot to learn on how to recover. So get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Because you are going to expose, NC letter, NC. How to verify NC.


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

Why would you want to take a house his Grandmother gave to him? 

Things like that are why it's advisable for men not to marry these days..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

lalsr1988 said:


> Why would you want to take a house his Grandmother gave to him?
> 
> Things like that are why it's advisable for men not to marry these days..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


May I make a small correction? I'm not saying she should take away his grandmother's house, but what happened is that he promised her to forsake all others, made children with her, grandma gave him a house during the course of the marriage, and he moved his wife and family into that house. Now his children think of grandma's house at their own family home. So he had legal promises and responsibilities to both his wife and his children, and if he didn't want to lose grandma's house....THIS IS WHY IT'S ADVISABLE FOR MEN NOT TO BE *UNFAITHFUL* THESE DAYS. 

Remember, his marriage in no way, shape, or form threatened grandma's house. It was his CHEATING that created the threat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Why would you want to take a house his Grandmother gave to him?
> 
> Things like that are why it's advisable for men not to marry these days..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because, oh, I don't know, his children might need somewhere to live?

_Snap_! Affair Care! :smthumbup:


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> May I make a small correction? I'm not saying she should take away his grandmother's house, but what happened is that he promised her to forsake all others, made children with her, grandma gave him a house during the course of the marriage, and he moved his wife and family into that house. Now his children think of grandma's house at their own family home. So he had legal promises and responsibilities to both his wife and his children, and if he didn't want to lose grandma's house....THIS IS WHY IT'S ADVISABLE FOR MEN NOT TO BE *UNFAITHFUL* THESE DAYS.
> 
> Remember, his marriage in no way, shape, or form threatened grandma's house. It was his CHEATING that created the threat.



A thousand times LIKE!

My husband likes to throw around that our house is HIS and he can take it because he put his inheritance money towards it.

I have had to remind him that NO, in fact, it is our children's house. So, yes, while he may be able to take the house (with a fight), he would only be punishing the kids. But, that's just a "guilt trip."


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

lalsr1988 said:


> Why would you want to take a house his Grandmother gave to him?
> 
> Things like that are why it's advisable for men not to marry these days..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh no you didn't! Blameshifting much? Don't get me started!


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Have you taken the time to sort through your own feelings? What do you want out of life? Can you forgive him? It'll be hard either way, but reconciling, you will be living with the source of your anger, are you going to be able to do that?
> There are no guarantees either way. Do you think this was an expression of his true self, or a lapse, for what ever reason? Has he given you reasons?


What I want out of life is what I had before he cheated. Or I guess I should say what I thought I had. I can forgive him. Just can't forget. It doesn't seem like I have ANY feelings for him. It's just blah. At least my feelings went from disgust to blah


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cherish -

If you think you just want to move on, then you don't have to learn any of the details of your H's betrayal.

If you are softening to him, though, please remember that most people think it's important to make an effort to know all of what you're dealing with at the outset. This way, you both have a sense of whether you will ever be able to live with it and whether you actually still have feelings for the person.

If things trickle out, which they inevitably will over time, you will relive your hurt and perhaps decide on the basis of new information, that you really just don't want to R.

Some people have their feelings so damaged by the infidelity that they know very quickly that it's over. There's no shame in not trying if that is how you feel.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, just curious. Did your H really think he was pulling the wool over your eyes this last year? It sounds like he got religion only when you did a 180, at which point he realized something was up.


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

[QUOTEDo you think this was an expression of his true self, or a lapse, for what ever reason? Has he given you reasons?[/QUOTE]

OMG!! I was thinking about the answer to this question and I remembered something! ***TMI ALERT***

My husband loved for me to give him BJ. And I loved giving it to him just as much as he loved getting it. But shortly before he started messing up (while I was pregnant) I could not give him BJ anymore. It just made me nauseated. This didn't happen during my first pregnancy. He of course did the right thing and said well scratch that if it's making you sick. Then after the six weeks from delivery (when he was messing up big time) he tried to get me to do it again. I told him that wasn't happening the way he was acting (but we were still having PIV frequently.)

I wonder if that's what he was getting done. From my first post someone wondered if he was going to strip joints because he always wanted sex after his late night episodes. Much as he loved BJ he always wanted PIV after that. 

I'm thinking he could have been paying for BJ's. Men is that something a man would do?


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## cherish (Dec 7, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Also, just curious. Did your H really think he was pulling the wool over your eyes this last year? It sounds like he got religion only when you did a 180, at which point he realized something was up.


Oh he absolutely did get religion during 180. No question. I don't think he thought he thought he was pulling wool over my eyes. I think he banked on knowing that I would do anything for him. Plus the more he messed up the hotter things got in the bedroom. So he was eating cake AND ice cream! (premature hysterical bonding? ).


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I think what's really important is that your husband (who betrayed you) wants to work on R. Your reluctance may be because you just don't trust your husband and rightly so. He has to prove and re-earn your trust, or as much as you are willing to give him.

YOU are in the driver's seat. You can give it a shot and see if R re-kindles anything in you. If it doesn't, or if your husband stops doing the heavy lifting, then you can call it quits knowing you tried.

If it was your husband who was reluctant of course it would be a totally different story.

BTW, you mention in your post how some family members knew about the cheating but didn't tell you (or assumed you knew?). THAT is something that needs to be discussed, I think. I would be very pissed off, if I learned that my family knew of my wife's cheating and didn't tell me or discuss with me. While you're working on R - you might want to tell your family that you expect them to watch your back. If your husband screws up - they should be prepared to tell you. You're family - your husband is not.


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