# Boyfriend doesn't want kids - what do I do?



## sandrashone (Apr 23, 2015)

I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same. 

But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it. 

Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. I know people who have had kids “accidentally” and it has worked out fine, and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me. 

TL;DR How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. I know people who have had kids “accidentally” and it has worked out fine, and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.


I am being honest here. Not trying to be mean. But the truth is that would make you a "liar" and a "scumbag".



> TL;DR *How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any?*


Not only CAN'T you, you really don't want to. Kids are a Big Frickin' Deal. And a parent should WANT to be a parent. Decide if this is a deal breaker, and if so, break the deal.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

You were compatible, but sadly now you are not . 

You're allowed to change your mind and choose to be a parent now, but you're not allowed to make that choice for him. 

Time to end the relationship or agree to not pursue this dream of yours. As a woman, I do not recommend ignoring that dream because being a mother is a great, great gift.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Please don't "accidentally" get pregnant. It's dishonest, and I don't think it will end well.

It's not fair to bring a child into a relationship where one parent is resentful of that child


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You were the one who changed, not him. You cannot convince him. If he doesn't want them, he doesn't. And he should not be wrangled into being a father when he doesn't want to be and you originally agreed to that. It's not fair to change the rules of the game after you start. Just. Don't.

Even if he ends up loving the child he will likely end up resenting YOU. So picture going from a happy childless couple to a single mother of one. Children are great if you want them and grate on every nerve if you don't.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

sandrashone said:


> another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. I know people who have had kids “accidentally” and it has worked out fine, and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.


"Nothing to show for it"?! Who are you trying to impress?

If I knew my girlfriend suddenly wanted to have kids when she hadn't before, that would be a dealbreaker. Heck, when I meet girls and they say they want them, that's an instant dealbreaker.

You know this too (my troll detector is beeping) and that's why you think you have to do this 'accidentally' so he doesn't have a chance to say no, because you know he will be legally obligated towards this child you'll have trapped him into having against his will. SMFH.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

That's life. People are not static and your views can change with time. However, it sounds like you want to accidentally have a baby. Not cool.

If you want a baby and he does not, ask yourself if that's a deal breaker. If it is, move on. But for the love of mankind, please do not accidentally have a child.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You changed the rules. He doesn't want them. Your choices are simple. Accept him and no kids or break up and move on and possibly find someone who wants to have more or some kids. 

You don't ever make kids with someone who doesn't want them. That's how you end up a single parent


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry, but this one can't be negotiated. However much you love each other, if you want kids and he doesn't you need to end it. You can part on good terms - neither of you has done anything wrong, you have just changed.

Please do not coerce, trick, etc him into getting you pregnant. It is simply not fair to the child. He may try to pretend to the child that he is happy, but eventually the kid will figure it out. 

There are plenty of nice men who do want to be fathers. 


I've been on both sides of this. When I was growing up I finally put 2+2 together and realized my father didn't want me. That his smiles were all pretend and he couldn't stand being aroun me. Then many years ago my wife tried to pressure me into having children. Both are terrible things.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. *I know people who have had kids “accidentally” and it has worked out fine...*


Please explain your use of the word "accidentally".



sandrashone said:


> ...and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.


You might be surprised.



sandrashone said:


> TL;DR How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any?


You shouldn't. Part ways w/ him and find a partner that wants children as much as you do.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

We are talking about children here. Human beings. You're allowed to change your mind, but he is also allowed to keep his the same. "Accidentally" getting pregnant is only going to make him resent you and possibly the child. 

You can't "convince" someone to have kids, it's not like you're buying furniture. You two just aren't compatible anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

As to the 5 years, I hope you have something to 'show' for it - it doesn't need to be for others to see, though. You have learned a lot about yourself, your needs, about relationships... and I'm sure there's more. Stop measuring your life on the number of years you've been able to keep a man.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I missed this the first time.

The harm is that the man you love may be miserable for the rest of his live - a responsibility forced on him that he can never escape. A burden that is more severe, the more honorable he is, because a dishonorable man would simply leave. The child may well grow up learning that his father doesn't love him, and in fact desperately wishes he were never born. 

How to have a kid if he doesn't want to? Sure lots of ways - I'm sure you can figure them out. But having him get you pregnant by trickery, or force is akin to rape to me, and I'm sure you would never consider doing that. 




sandrashone said:


> snip...
> and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.
> 
> TL;DR How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Yikes, if you want kids and he doesn't, no matter how much it may hurt you, it is time to move on. Honestly, let's say you tell him if he won't have kids you will leave him, and he gives him, I would still tell you the same thing, just move on. He will grow resentful. Just look at all the posts here from guys who get resentful at things changing with their SO after having kids, and these are guys who actually wanted kids ...

As great as kids are, they can be extremely trying for even the best of marriages. For those relationships that may not be as strong, kids could tear apart. The worst thing I have seen people do is to decide to have kids b/c their relationship with their SO is so so and they hope having a kid would fix it ...


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


Tread very carefully here.

I was the guy in this exact situation... 7 years into an extremely happy **marriage**. After agreeing to not have kids in the beginning, and maintaining this opinion for the first 4-5 years of the marriage, she changed her mind. She then began a several years campaign of bugging me and trying to persuade me until I finally relented.

This was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Kids are a life changer... a life he probably doesn't want. You'll have the life you want. He'll have the life you want. Don't expect this to turn out well, even if he eventually concedes to make you happy.

It is probably time for you to move on. The answer to your question is: you don't. You find someone who wants kids. If you think that would be painful, you can't imagine the pain that's down the other road. The strange conflicted bitterness and guilt that comes with wishing for the life you really wanted and feeling like your kids keep you from it. FYI, she thought I'd be a great dad too, and sure enough, I think I am and I did what I was supposed to do. But let me tell you, asking him to choose between your happiness and his happiness is not a fair choice to ask someone who loves you to make. If he loves you, he'll probably eventually concede, and it will be a mistake. You'll be the one who used love to persuade him out of the life he wanted, and he will resent you for it. He'll feel guilt over his resentment of the children. He will be in an emotional no man's land. This is no place to keep a marriage and certainly no place to raise children in. You'll enthusiastically take to this new life you wanted, and he will just be along for your ride. Don't do it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Having children is great. As you get older, you say, "dämn, boy am I glad I have these great kids." Parents always look forward to seeing how they go forward. Of course, you can also have a retarded dumb kid or a born trouble maker, so there is no guarantee.

Who wants to be the last of their genes?

I have a good friend whose husband convinced her not to have children. She is school teacher and loves kids. She is very sorry that she listened to him. She figures that if she had just gotten pregnant he would have accepted it and adapted to being a father. As it is they have spent money on IVF treatments but it was too late. Adoption? Also, too late. She heart broken at some level.

There are two ethical paths:

1) Tell your boyfriend that you want kids and are going off birth control. Go crazy in the bedroom. If he wants to break it off, then say goodbye.

2) Do not tell him you are going off BC. Go crazy in the bedroom. Once you are pregnant, tell him that you want nothing from him and will not even put him on the birth certificate if he doesn't want to be on it. He is free to opt into fatherhood as much as he desires. You are not coercing him to stay or do anything.

As long as you are calm, determined, cheerful and not psycho, he may be up for it.

Do you have enough money to make it on your own?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Having children is great. As you get older, you say, "dämn, boy am I glad I have these great kids." Parents always look forward to seeing how they go forward. Of course, you can also have a retarded dumb kid or a born trouble maker, so there is no guarantee.
> 
> Who wants to be the last of their genes?
> 
> ...


I would disagree that this latter path is an ethical path. She does not get to choose for HIM what the ethics of parentage are for HIM


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## DvlsAdvc8 (Feb 15, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> He is free to opt into fatherhood as much as he desires.


Opt in my @ss. That's just about the most vile plan I can imagine. This is basically stealing someone's genetics. "You can stay or go... I just wanted the baby." wtf? This is depraved on so many levels.

If she wants a baby she should go have it with someone who wants a baby.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening longwalk
there are people are are glad they had kids. There are also people who (if you get them to admit it) believe kids ruined their lives. 

*I* want to be the last of my line. I may seem like a nice guy to most people, even to my wife, but my family has a history of severe mental illness (suicides, life-long institutionalization, severe depression etc.) and I can feel those problems just below the surface. I would not wish my genes on anyone.

I'm afraid that I do not think your path #2 is ethical at all. It is a deception of the worst kind. It may make him feel honor bound to spend his life caring for a child he never wanted. He and the child would suffer. 

I think the only ethical choice is for her to say: "I love you, but I want to have children. I understand that you may not, but I don't think I can be happy without them. If you cannot be happy with children, then I think we should divorce so that we can each live the lives we want. I'm sorry that my thoughts on this have changed, but they have".


I know that some people think kids are not a big deal. That is absolutely fine for THEM. To other people kids represent a change in life more important than anything else. Their feelings are just as important. 


Sometimes there is no compromise, no way a couple can stay together and be happy. That is OK - each can then find happiness separately. 






LongWalk said:


> Having children is great. As you get older, you say, "dämn, boy am I glad I have these great kids." Parents always look forward to seeing how they go forward. Of course, you can also have a retarded dumb kid or a born trouble maker, so there is no guarantee.
> 
> Who wants to be the last of their genes?
> 
> ...


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Sure...I know people who accidentally had kids and are fine. But because they both wanted kids at some point. Just hadn't planned for it to be now. But since it was what they both wanted they went with it.

But my best friend never wanted children. But got accidentally pregnant. (Condom failed with husband.) She had a second because she didn't want her daughter to be an only child. But now they are 7 and 5 and she is miserable. She loves her kids. But she resents her husband (he had wanted kids.) And I'm not certain their marriage will make it. 

Here's the thing...you no idea if he will leave you or not. I can guarantee he would leave you if he found out you planned an accidental pregnancy. Honestly the fact that you thinking about it now, makes me think he should leave you right now.


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## AlphaMale74 (Oct 15, 2014)

He shouldn't if you're not married yet.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


Don't even go there. You need to respect his decision. If you can't live with it, move on. This is not your decision to make.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I know that for some men they are very much against having children and if they end up getting married and have kids anyway they are very resentful of that. It definitely would be a bad idea to keep pushing this issue, becuase he had already told you he didn't want kids. You can't expect him to all of the sudden have a change of heart on this issue. 

Having kids is a big deal, a big expense and huge commitment and responsibility, so much so some people understandably would rather not do it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Tell him thank you for the wonderful 5 years and wish him all the best in his life, and move on. Absolutely do not deliberately get pregnant against his will or consent, That would be one of the most heinous and damaging things you could ever do to someone.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> There are two ethical paths:
> 
> 1) Tell your boyfriend that you want kids and are going off birth control. Go crazy in the bedroom. If he wants to break it off, then say goodbye.
> 
> ...


Really?

I'm sorry, but that is FAR from an ethical choice. Don't tell him??? Go off the BC and once she's pregnant tell him to hit the road? WTH is that? If she wants a baby there are PLENTY of other men out there who want children. There is absolutely NO reason what so ever to involve this man in that devious plan. That is horrible!! There is a special place in hell for people who deceive like this.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Lots of people get pregnant on birth control. I know of several women who were using birth control, but got pregnant anyway. These are on various types of birth control. Our bodies were made for sex to cause pregnancy. 
However, it is not an accident if you do it on purpose. To deceive your partner in such a manner puts your entire relationship in a danger zone. It is terribly foolish and you should drop that idea immediately.
It is common to have a change of heart regarding children, especially as they enter their 30's. This desire will likely only grow in you, but your partner sounds like he is set in his resolve. You two do not have the same life goals and desires. It is time to let him go. You will grieve the loss of your love, but you can find someone who does want children. As you are now 32, it would be wise to do this as soon as possible, while there is still time. Delay will only cause you more pain.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Having children is great. As you get older, you say, "dämn, boy am I glad I have these great kids." Parents always look forward to seeing how they go forward. *Of course, you can also have a retarded dumb kid *or a born trouble maker, so there is no guarantee.
> 
> Who wants to be the last of their genes?


That is really offensive. (And I have two healthy non-special-needs kids).


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Lon said:


> Tell him thank you for the wonderful 5 years and wish him all the best in his life, and move on. Absolutely do *not* deliberately get pregnant against his will or consent. That would be one of the most heinous and damaging things you could ever do to someone.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

SecondTimeRound,

Sorry you feel that way. My eldest daughter is handicapped (moderate to grave hearing impaired). She is loved.

Statistically, children with problems result in more failed marriages. This is the reality. Children present challenges. My brother and SIL are both MDs. Eldest nephew (19) is a nice kid, charming smile, tall, handsome, good athlete. He got a 0.0 gpa his first year of university. Had to take a leave of absence. He is drinking. My brother thinks he is an alcoholic. He doesn't want to go to school to study, just to party. He doesn't want to work. Something is wrong.

My brother died of schizophrenia in his 40s. People are not products with quality guarantees. 

re: the ethics of having a child without the man's consent

Would it be ethical to get pregnant and then end the relationship without telling him and never informing him he had become a biological father? That would also create ethical problems. Shouldn't a child also have both parents?

The son of a friend of mine had a son with his SO. She was involved in a website promoting cheating. Guess what? She cheated on him and left him for a famous guy, who dumped his wife. One could say that given her personal history, sex bomb TV personality, she could never stay with one man. My son's friend was more than a sperm donor. She chose him for this brains and ethnicity. So just because people conceive children within a relationship doesn't mean the deal is honest.

As to the interests of children, it is scientifically documented that children with a step parent die at a much higher rate than children raised by two biological parents. Researchers dub it the Cinderella effect. So parents who divorce put their children at risk.


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

Being a baby trickster is up their with rapists and child molesters. Its up there with the lowest forms of human life. You risk so much danger with a child as far as emotional and mental health issues for your own selfish wishes.

How do you have a clear conscience thinking about something like this. You're performing an act against someone's will. It's no different than a guy making a thread saying he sees a six year old girl and wants to have a sexual romp with her, but she doesn't realize it will be good for her, so Im thinking about doing it anyway. How are you so comfortable to casually admit this heinous act?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Really?
> 
> I'm sorry, but that is FAR from an ethical choice. Don't tell him??? Go off the BC and once she's pregnant tell him to hit the road? WTH is that? If she wants a baby there are PLENTY of other men out there who want children. There is absolutely NO reason what so ever to involve this man in that devious plan. That is horrible!! There is a special place in hell for people who deceive like this.


Throughout human history women have been getting pregnant without stable partners. It is only recently that BC has come on to the scene.

As to plenty of men out there, women don't want to have sex with just anyone, especially if they are going to have baby.

It is interesting that women have the right to terminate pregnancy unilaterally through abortion but do not have the right to unilaterally become pregnant. If the opinion of men were so important, why don't doctors who perform abortions require the consent of the presumptive father?

Clearly society does not consider men equal partners in parenting until after child birth. In fact, a woman can even do a DNA test while pregnant to find out if the father is the right one, so that she can terminate the foetus of the male who is socially or genetically unattractive to her. 

Furthermore in many parts of the world a child conceived by adultery becomes the legal child of the husband automatically. The legal rights of the biological father are zero if the couple oppose his involvement.

So when it comes to tricks played on fathers there are plenty.

I don't consider getting pregnant without discussing it with the boyfriend to be the most desirable action. The best course is to have a frank discussion, stating that having a child is must for their relationship to continue. However, if she is fairly certain he will break off their relationship, then what? If she breaks off the relationship and starts searching for a new partner, it may be too late.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Tubbalard said:


> Being a baby trickster is up their with rapists and child molesters. Its up there with the lowest forms of human life. You risk so much danger with a child as far as emotional and mental health issues for your own selfish wishes.
> 
> How do you have a clear conscience thinking about something like this. You're performing an act against someone's will. *It's no different than a guy making a thread saying he sees a six year old girl and wants to have a sexual romp with her*, but she doesn't realize it will be good for her, so Im thinking about doing it anyway. How are you so comfortable to casually admit this heinous act?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead:


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

In my real life conversations with women who aborted children for whom there was no plan, I heard the deepest sorrow and regret. The decision to get an abortion became a permanent scar of regret. This was big surprize to me, having grown up in 70s when the right to abortion was a civil rights battle.


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

OP, you know the only ethical course of action is to tell your boyfriend that you have changed, you are not asking him to change but want to give him the opportunity to think this through before you go separate ways. 

Like other posters have indicated, tricking a man into fatherhood is an abuse and should go the same way as other abusive sexual practices.

I assume you don't want to be an abuser. So do the only right thing here.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Humm what would Mach say, ha ha ha ha ha.
Be careful...
Alpha breeder, beta feeder.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> Tread very carefully here.
> 
> *I was the guy in this exact situation.*.. 7 years into an extremely happy **marriage**. After agreeing to not have kids in the beginning, and maintaining this opinion for the first 4-5 years of the marriage, *she changed her mind. She then began a several years campaign of bugging me and trying to persuade me until I finally relented.*
> 
> ...


THis post is ALL reality.. if your mind has been made up, if you KNOW you will walk a road of resentment to please him in giving up this dream to be a Mother... Leave him.. Though it's not all that easy to find a compatible family man these days, depending.. Not sure of your age, but so many have been there, done that.. don't want anymore. 

I am one of those women who knew early on I WANTED A FAMILY.. at least 3 ... this was a firm deal breaker for me .. if that wasn't something he , too, found reasonable, if we weren't in unison in these shared dreams...I would have walked away.. sought another ...

When 2 share high hopes in the same vision -whatever it may be... things just flow that much smoother...even with the bumps children bring.. because such couples... It's a Joy.. not a burden.. 

If you defraud him. His trust in you will forever be shaken.. it could be all down hill from there.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Go find a new boyfriend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sandrashone said:


> Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. *I know people who have had kids “accidentally”* and it has worked out fine, and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.
> 
> *How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any*?


You don't. It's about respecting someone's wishes. Having a child isn't like picking out underwear for Sunday. Some people know deep within them, they do not at all want to have children. Sounds like your boyfriend is one of them. Therefore, there is a fundamental difference between you. Break up. Also, "accidentally" is the operative word. What you are basically insinuating is that these people knew their partners didn't want a kid and decided to go against that anyway. I can't imagine anything more f-ed up to do to someone who has stated plainly and clearly they DO NOT want children. Granted, it takes two to tango, but that that thinking is super duper manipulative, dishonest, and fcked up.

It's pretty simple:



Wolf1974 said:


> Your choices are simple. Accept him and no kids or break up and move on and possibly find someone who wants to have more or some kids.
> 
> You don't ever make kids with someone who doesn't want them.


:iagree:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Not to mention that the victim of the deception would be legally financially responsible. Too bad perpetrators of this crap can't be prosecuted.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening LongWalk
A very interesting topic, but so likely to drift off thread that maybe its better in another thread? 

I think the male / female biological asymmetry makes it very difficult to come up with a reasonable way for both parents to have equal rights. I don't like the current situation, but its really tricky.


In this particular case, the problem is that even if she unilaterally chooses to become pregnant, he is legally responsible for the child. This has been upheld even when pregnancy by deception was proven. 




LongWalk said:


> Throughout human history women have been getting pregnant without stable partners. It is only recently that BC has come on to the scene.
> 
> As to plenty of men out there, women don't want to have sex with just anyone, especially if they are going to have baby.
> 
> ...


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


No. This is a deal breaker, plain and simple. It seems like you're implying you are considering getting pregnant without his consent? Seriously? That's insane.

Ask him straight up one more time, tell him you've changed your mind and you want kids, and if he's sure he doesn't, move on. NOTHING good can come from a devious pregnancy.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Now that you have told him that you want kids, even if you continue to stick to your birth control, if you turn up pregnant and it really is an accident and not a manipulation, he will always wonder if he's been tricked. Tricking someone is a serious breach of trust and something that many people will never let go of. At this point, he could go get a vasectomy if he is really that against having children.
This is not an issue to let go and hope for a change. This is an issue where you tell him that you realize this is something that you need to do and you have to move on. He should not feel you are pressuring him to have a baby with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tubbalard said:


> Being a baby trickster is up their with rapists and child molesters. Its up there with the lowest forms of human life. You risk so much danger with a child as far as emotional and mental health issues for your own selfish wishes.
> 
> How do you have a clear conscience thinking about something like this. You're performing an act against someone's will. It's *no different than a guy making a thread saying he sees a six year old girl and wants to have a sexual romp with her,* but she doesn't realize it will be good for her, so Im thinking about doing it anyway. How are you so comfortable to casually admit this heinous act?


What the OP is talking about is an something between two adults.

Comparing that to raping a child is disturbing to put it mildly.

Yes that what OP is thinking is not cool at all. She needs to leave the guy and got find some guy who wants children with her. But it's not equivalent to child rape.

The only point of comparison is doing something that the other does not want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


You are 32.. it's your biological clock talking. This starts happening to a lot of woman at this. The desire to have children will most likely grow. You are better off leaving this guy and finding someone who is willing to have children with you.

Do not have an "accidental child". It's a horrible thing to do to a guy.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening EleGirl
While I might not include the "child" part, I do think that forced parenthood is a crime on a par with rape. It is something that will affect the victim for the rest of their lives. There is no physical injury - but that is sometimes true in rape, and that doesn't make it any less of a horrible crime.

Its difficult to compare these sorts of crimes because they affect different people differently. In any case there really is no yardstick for evil. Since forced parenthood is not illegal, I have to accept that many people do not share my view. 

I've been trying to be polite , but I think making someone a parent by deceit is truly appalling. 


In some sense it doesn't matter. I think the great majority of posters here believe that pregnancy by deceit is absolutely wrong. 





EleGirl said:


> What the OP is talking about is an something between two adults.
> 
> Comparing that to raping a child is disturbing to put it mildly.
> 
> ...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening EleGirl
> While I might not include the "child" part, I do think that forced parenthood is a crime on a par with rape. It is something that will affect the victim for the rest of their lives. There is no physical injury - but that is sometimes true in rape, and that doesn't make it any less of a horrible crime.


The word "crime" refers to that which is illegal which getting pregnant is not.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

NobodySpecial said:


> The word "crime" refers to that which is illegal which getting pregnant is not.


In the technical sense, you are correct. Employing deception to purposely become pregnant by another person, against their will is not a crime. It should be.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Becoming pregnant against a sex partner's will cannot be a crime anymore than impregnating someone can be a crime, excepting someone who is underage.

If OP gets pregnant and breaks up with her boyfriend without ever revealing that is going to have s child and furthermore never asks him for child support, how would he be harmed?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
In much of the US, he will be liable for child support. You can find cases where this was upheld even when it was agreed that she became pregnant without his consent. (I won't go into specifics, don't want to give the OP ideas....). The courts view him as owing the CHILD support, reguardless of the actions of the mother.

There have even been attempts (not sure of the success) to sue sperm doners for child support. 

Even if the law does not require it, many people will feel a duty to their biological children, no matter how much they didn't want those children. 




LongWalk said:


> Becoming pregnant against a sex partner's will cannot be a crime anymore than impregnating someone can be a crime, excepting someone who is underage.
> 
> If OP gets pregnant and breaks up with her boyfriend without ever revealing that is going to have s child and furthermore never asks him for child support, how would he be harmed?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You are 32.. it's your biological clock talking. This starts happening to a lot of woman at this. The desire to have children will most likely grow. You are better off leaving this guy and finding someone who is willing to have children with you.
> 
> Do not have an "accidental child". It's a horrible thing to do to a guy.


That's the danger, your drives will be X2.

If you move on, be ever the more so careful about the men you are interested in, you may be drawn to one type and if you turn up preggers with a hot player type he may not "settle down" to be a good dad. Some men lie about wanting kids because they don't expect to be with you long enough for it to matter.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Becoming pregnant against a sex partner's will cannot be a crime anymore than impregnating someone can be a crime, excepting someone who is underage.
> 
> If OP gets pregnant and breaks up with her boyfriend without ever revealing that is going to have s child and furthermore never asks him for child support, how would he be harmed?


Because should she ever need assistance (federal or state) or if something happens and she needs financial help (you NEVER know what will happen)- she most certainly CAN go after him for child support. He will have to pay back child support and continue on with current support. Not very fair to him since he does not want children. 

I know this because it happened to my Ex. He didn't even know he had a kid until the child was 4 years old. She (the ex gf) needed support, she went after him for it. He was required to pay by law.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

I concur that the legal system is set up to steer women who have children to get the fathers to pay, even if they are not in relationships. As I wrote earlier, the legal system is inherently biased in favor of women. A woman is the only one who can decide to have an abortion. She needs no reason. She may have a child in the hopes of trapping a man – it happens all the time. Moreover, the trap is only half concealed. Many couples who are fighting discover that "unexpected" pregnancy creates a new bond.

Sometimes the child leads the couple to grow closer and mature. Others stick it out for a few years and sometimes a couple of more kids before divorcing.

The marital contract is an institution designed to clarify decision making with protection of children as a central function. Even the idea of tying sexual exclusivity and nesting behavior together is only rational from an evolutionary point of view.

OP's window of opportunity to have child is narrowing rapidly. After 35 getting pregnant becomes more difficult. The rate of spontaneous abortions rises. The slope of curves is the unrelenting enemy of her happiness. It is also there in the background of her boyfriend, though he does not feel it acutely.

OP, if you are still reading, how do you feel about your boyfriend. Can you imagine a life without him. Can you imagine a life without his child?

Has he ever come upon you crying because you are depressed about not having child? Did you tell him why you were crying? Did you dare?

My school teacher friend who never got the baby she wanted ended up cheating on her husband. They are still together and she doesn't like what she has done but I know that she is a very good person. Her sadness over not having a child has dominated her life. Convincing him to go to the adoption classes (a lot of time and money) only to be disqualified because of age was another crushing blow.

Her motherly instincts go to kids in school. She often does extra for the troubled ones.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
If a couple is in disagreement over having children, they can get into a foster care "shelter care" program. That is generally short term (few months) care of a child. It lets them both see what life is like with a child in the house, and does a good service for a child in need. My wife and I did that, and she decided that she didn't want children after all.


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## Hurra (Sep 13, 2009)

sandrashone said:


> I but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.


If the past 5 years means nothing to you, then that is the answer to your problem. You should move on and find a man who wants kids. Even in a childless relationship, there should be meaning.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We date to find out if we are compatible. If you got your answer, the process has worked. You've spent 5 years in a relationship. You learned some things about yourself and about being in a relationship. If you lived with the guy you got some help paying bills. It's not been wasted time. Had you hooked up with a different guy, you might be in tiny pieces in the crawl space of his house right now.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


Howdy SandraS:

This is why prudent people wait until they are married until they choose to have children and raise a family. 

Fortunately for you, you have not done so yet. You’re in an excellent position to pull camp and find someone who better fits your values and objectives, get married and start a family.

Buena Suerte


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> What the OP is talking about is an something between two adults.
> 
> Comparing that to raping a child is disturbing to put it mildly.
> 
> ...


The analogy is apt because what she's suggesting to do is VERY disturbing. She's thinking about performing one of the most vicious and vile acts a human can do. Violating another person sexuality. She wants to plant a 400k bill on his shoulders. Just as a Molester violates someone sexually, mentally, physically. She is violating another human sexually. She's now risking a child, that could be at risk for abandonment, mental and emotional health issues for very selfish reasons. This is more than just "not cool". There are generational implications here at play to which she sparks a long lineage of people with mental, health and emotional issues.

So yes comparing it to child rape is disturbing, because her thoughts and possible actions are disturbing. There is an age difference but the sentiment is the same.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

One post wonder, of a hot topic. Must be school holidays again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Holland said:


> One post wonder, of a hot topic. Must be school holidays again.



That's my guess. it sure got people riled up.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Having children is great. As you get older, you say, "dämn, boy am I glad I have these great kids." Parents always look forward to seeing how they go forward. Of course, you can also have a retarded dumb kid or a born trouble maker, so there is no guarantee.
> 
> Who wants to be the last of their genes?
> 
> ...


I can see why you may be sympathetic to this women's plight. The desire to have children is strong and she may feel he may be a good father so "no harm no foul" However, once she becomes pregnant "by accident" his ability to make a choice will compromised. He will have to decide between;

1) Doing the right thing. That is to take care of his child that he had a hand in procreating. Regardless of his desire to not have children. Against his will he will raise this child under false pretenses. It is concievable that the truth may come out. Even if it does not it is likely that he will resent you and the child for the rest of his life. He will likely suspect that your actions were intentional. 

2) Abandoning this women and their unborn baby to face the world without a father and his involvement. He will forever have to disclose this to future partners and to everyone he knows that he is doing this. People will judge him as a deadbeat. Practically speaking he may be summoned by a court to pay child support if you encounter financial difficulties regardless of you assertions that he "will not be responsible". My guess it that unless you have the financial wherewithall to raise the child, he may morally feel compelled to support the child. I would feel this way. 


He will base his decision on untruths, that dumb luck or some divine intervention blessed them with a baby even while using birth control. 

If you want to be "ethical" you would let him know NOW your desire to have a baby and let him make the decision. If you are committed to have a baby at a young age you can get a third party to donate their sperm. In that case, the man has had an understanding of what is role is in the child's future. 

There are lots of women who have babies well into their 40's though admittedly it can be complicated. Adoption would be another option. 

I don't believe that you can put what you are proposing in the same category as child molestation or rape, intentionally deceiving him is evil on many levels. 

The best and most honorable and sensible course of action would be to do your best to "sell him" on how rich and fulfilling your life will be if you have a child. That you love him and are committed to him. Do your best to let him know that you will try your best to not let this interfere with the life that the two of you can have together. Make it clear that you cannot stay with him because of your feelings on this matter. It is conceivable that he will view life without you as a lesser evil than staying with you and being parents together. 

Before you do this you may want to understand his apprehension to parenting. For me they were as follows:

1)He may not want the responsibility. 
2)He may worry that he will not be able to provide properly. 
3)He may worry that your sex life will suffer (and it can although for my wife and I this was only temporary to some extent)
4)He may not want his lifestyle impacted.
5)He may be fearful that having a baby will commit him to you in a way that would tie the 2 of you together legally and morally. Many men have heard horror stories that once you get married (or have children) that it gives you a hall pass to not treat him as well as you may now. This is based upon some instances where this hold to be true. You may not disclose this but, as a last resort, may want to offer some prenup to help alleviate his fears.

Some of this thoughts on this may be based upon his experiences growing up or on observations of friends and relatives. Despite this he may still not want to be the father of the baby you want to have. This would seem to be a better "bet" to make than to trap him against his will. In such a case you will have to life with the consequences of taking the higher, yet temporarily more painful and uncertain road for you. 

I wish you well.


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## Brigit (Apr 28, 2015)

sandrashone said:


> Is there any way that I can convince him? I'm not getting any younger. I know people who have had kids “accidentally” and it has worked out fine, and I'm wondering what harm would it do if we just had a kid because I know he'd be a good dad and I'm sure he wouldn't leave me.
> 
> TL;DR How can I have a kid with my boyfriend who doesn't want any?


Don't do it. I never wanted kids and still don't. I'm 46. If you force him to have kids he will leave. He may or may not have a relationship with the child but he will probably hate you.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lol 

I've changed my mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

now change your boyfriend!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

OP has not followed her own thread

Last Activity: 04-23-2015 04:56 AM


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Gee and here I was going to suggest something practical...like TALK to him.

He may have changed his mind too.


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## Zach's daddy (Jan 17, 2015)

5 years 10 years. If he hasn't put a ring on it why would you want children with him? Not saying he's bad person or anything. What if you two decide to part ways. You're a single mother doing it all by yourself. You knew how he felt beforehand. You felt the same way.


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## Kristisha (Apr 29, 2013)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


Be careful not drive him apart and make him resentful with you, because maybe you will succeed in having an "accidental " child and even get married but you will be alone in two... Or worse leave you soon after...

So my advice to you is either leave him or stay with him childless


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## Jeffyboy (Apr 7, 2015)

sandrashone said:


> I'm 32 and I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and soon after we met he said that he wasn't interested in having kids. I said that's fine, because I wasn't either. Actually it was me who started the conversation because I wanted him to know that I didn't want them, so I was very pleased to hear that he felt the same.
> 
> But now I've changed my mind and I want kids. I told him this but he said that kids were not a part of what he wanted, and that we had agreed. Part of me wants to respect that, after all he's being consistent with what he originally said, but another part of me is thinking about the 5 years that I've spent with him, and it would be a shame to have nothing to show for it.
> 
> ...


the tough answer is you can't. You can't change people. You're going to have to decide if life with your bf is better/worse than life with kids. A hard choice most definitely.


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