# confused and sad



## tapinc (Dec 1, 2011)

I've been happily married to an amazing wife for 8 years and have to beautiful kids 6 and 7 yrs old. i feel like our marriage is strong or was. i just noticed on phone bill that she has been texting an out of state friend 100 times a day. she just recently came back from a girl vacation trip where this old friend also lives and i noticed not ph bill that there were a lot of text before the trip and and lot during the trip and now back home for last month there is even more texting all day. i confronted her. she says he an old friend in need of a friend, going through tough times losing his business etc. but i asked her why she deletes all his text then. she admited that i would get the wrong idea about what was being texted and there are some small flirts here and there but meaningless on her part, just says its very fun and she admitted that she really enjoys texting him and that she would never destroy our family and leave me. i believer her because she is such a sweet wife and mother but i think she is getting such an endorphin high from the texting with someone she likes and gets compliments from all day. at first i said ok, i love you and trust u and if you feel as its nothing and you get some much out of it that is ok. however after several days of thinking about all these text I'm feeling less ok and sad and angry. i know this sounds weird but if she had a one night stand in new york and came back and told me id be more ok with that than theism emotional relationship she had with this guy. i feel like oner the years have not been there for her cuddling and giving her affection she so desires and now she has found someone she is attracted to and giving her all this attention. i know in my heart she's not going to leave me for this particular guy, but I'm now worried about the next guy she becomes friends with in her running club, etc . any advice, confused and sad. thx


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

What makes you so sure she is not going to leave you for him? How do you know she will not start entertaining such thought in the future? Also, even if she never plans to leave you, does that make it acceptable if she continues this EA? If this EA has not escalated into PA during her visit there already, it surely will escalate into some kind of physical act for sure soon. 

I know you love your W and want to trust her. I know she has been a wonderful W all these years and still is, other than this new boyfriend she infatuated with. So many husbands fall victim to W's infidelity, which starts out exactly like yours. If you don't believe me, read on some other posts. There are tons of them. 

In women's case, infidelity starts with befriending a guy, innocent texts and calls, then falling in love with him, and soon the sexual rendezvous starts either online or in person usually by the OM's encouragement. This is a dime a dozen story in any infidelity forum. 

You must take this matter very very seriously. Your best chance is to try ending it at early stage. You must put your foot down and fight tooth and nail, mentioning the possibility of even divorce. If her emotional involvement is not so deep then you have a good chance stopping this EA with serious enough threat from you now. However, do not underestimate the depth of EA even at this stage. After all, you have not seen any content of the recent texts, no? 

The chances are they may have already consumated their love during her visit to his town, or they may already be saying "I love you" to each other. When you confronted her, she admitted to some flirting. You should know WS always downplay what they are doing. If she has admitted to "flirting", the truth may already be much worse if this follows the typical script. 

Demand immediate NC. Tell her this is clearly EA, and you are not going to ignore this anymore. Tell her this is a clear breach of marital vow and if the table were turned, she would feel hurt and betrayed as well. 

Contact OM and demand to stop contacting your W, and if he is married, contact OMW as well. Also, book MC to help her realize the enormity of the situation. If she refuses to end the contact, expose to your family and inlaws. 

Good luck.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Tell her you won't play second fiddle to a mystery friend. You need to nip this. It may already be a PA. Lay out the choices she has and tell her you won't be in an open relationship. 

She has zero reason to interact on a daily basis with another man. This is called an affair, or EA. Treat this as an affair becuase it is one.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Tap. This is trouble. Big trouble. Just to give you some idea let me give you the cliff notes version of my story. 2010. I'm happily married, two kids, been married 12 years and with my wife 20. One night I get a friend request on Facebook from an old high school gf I haven't even thought of in 22 years. Long story short, despite being happily married to a wonderful woman, 10 days after I got that friend request I was sexting, having phone sex with, and swapping I love you's with this other woman. 10 DAYS!!!!! It lasted 8 weeks before I got caught/confessed. It has taken literally a year to even get close to fully straightening out my emotions and I never had any confusion about if I loved my wife or not. This stuff is increadibly powerful and addictive. Think like meth or heroin. People deeply affected by an emotional affair will act just as stupidly and destructively as a drug addict. 

Make no mistake your marriage is under attack. Your best chance is swift decisive action to kill your wife's connection with this OM. She's going to fight you, tell you it's your fault, likely tell you that she either no longer loves you or or never did. Ignore it all, it's the rantings of a whacked out crack head. Set your boundaries, tell your wife what they are, and then calmly and rationally stick to them. Hopefully your actions can force her to see reality through the fog she's in. 

Good luck man. Sorry you're here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You must destroy this little fling now. Tell her to give this guy a NC letter and never to contact her again. If you have to, threaten D if she refuses to give him up. You have to make her SCARED S**TLESS of losing you, because if this tryst goes any further, she will NOT be scared of losing you-she will convince herself that greener pastures await her with the OM. Tell her that this must end, and show her that there will be consequences.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I wrote something on another thread about how this usually turns out-here is a paraphrased version of it:

Right now, it's "innocent" texts, and there is "nothing going on"

Soon, it will go into:

Their lives since they last saw each other
Their relationships since they last saw each other
Their jobs
Their families
Their spouses
You
What a great guy you are
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How, okay, maybe you're NOT ALWAYS such a great guy
How you don't ALWAYS listen
How lately she's felt "empty"
How she loved seeing him again
How she loves texting/talking to him
How she looks forward all day to his texts
How she hasn't felt "truly happy" in a long time
How she feels young again talking to him
How you haven't made her feel that way in a long time
How you can be insensitive sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she sometimes feels that she "settled" for you
How she thinks about him all the time now
How she's in love with him now
How she's not in love with you now
How she may have made a mistake marrying you
How she made a bigger mistake letting him go
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How he's her soulmate
How she now knows what she really wants and needs
How you could NEVER give her what she wants and needs
What an a**hole you REALLY are
How you've ruined her life
How she hates you now
How she now realizes that they were meant to be together
How/when/where they can meet again
How she desperately must get away from you...

...get the picture?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I wrote something on another thread about how this usually turns out-here is a paraphrased version of it:
> 
> Right now, it's "innocent" texts, and there is "nothing going on"
> 
> ...


This is spot on - and in only 10 days - or less.....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

IF there is nothing going on - the she should let you read ALL the messages.

Her first loyalty is to her husband. If it's to this OM and his secrecy and her secrecy - then that is wrong and the start of an EA.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what kind of phone btw?

some phones you can retrieve deleted texts


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

You are in such big time denial. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with this from you? She is playing you for a total fool. Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

btw - look at the times of the texts when she was there. Look for a flurry then a pause at night then a flurry. This is likely when they met up if it went PA.

Not a good sign that she seems to have put a lot of effort into connecting before, during and after.

If it was just hey, wanna grab coffee and catch up- that would have been a couple of texts. Instead they had a long exchange planning things, talking about it etc.

Oh, btw -be very afraid of men who "need a friend" to help them through something. Think about how men deal with things. Do they endlessly text and talk about it? Nope. This guy is fishing and he's trying to catch your wife.

Get access to those texts now.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

F-102's list is very, very sad.

And the exact truth.

Tap- you can't turn the other cheek on this issue. Don't sweep this under the rug.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Deal with this now. Be strong, firm and commanding.
Please, Tap, this is bad, bad, bad and it WILL get worse.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Listen to these folks, my wife checked out emotionally about a year ago, close the same situation as you (missed all of the red flags, NEVER AGAIN)..I did a lot of investgating on the back end and it appears that I caught the e/a right at the start before it got to far. NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW!!! i thought the same thing about my wife, would never lie to me, sweet person etc etc, close freinds with a co-worker, that she damn well knows, i dont like (and married with a kid to boot)...well she lied right to my friggin face even when I had given her hints that i knew something was up, gave her several chances to tell me, before I told what proof I had, she lied right up untill she could not deny the proof (emails i had)...they are not kidding when they tell you how powerful an e/a is, my wife and her close friend (GAG!!)took a chance on destroying two marriages and if thier comapny would have found out they both would be fired and they both knew that and still started an e/a,
I even asked 'your both supposed to be professional, professional what?. we live in a very small rural area and both of the reputations would be wasted...
I'm only 2 months out on d-day, she has made improvements going to i/c, although i have not made her leave her job, still condsidering it.

She knows damn well DIVORCE is still an option for me, I set up clear boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate....if she is doing a false R, I'm ready for it and she knows I will pres the NUKE button, 
from what I'm hearing he is pretty much scared ****less that I'm gonna take him apart physically, that i will inform thier boss and they both will be screwed..

STAND UP, take back what is yours...

She has to be afriad of the consequcenes of her actions.

I wish i would have taken a harder stance from the get go, would have saved some time and pain...I love my wife very much, but I will never be second best to anyone!!!

Read on this forum, lots of good information.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

That's all good advice above.

I would install spyware on her phone and computer asap. AFTER doing that, confront her with going NC with the guy. Tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU consider it an infidelity. Don't argue the details, just tell her that YOU consider it outside the bounds of a marriage for her to be having this level of contact with another man.

Then wait quietly for a couple of weeks while monitoring her electronics. If she is innocent of wrongdoing you will see it. If a PA happened or she is deep into an EA you will see that, too.

Then you have all you need to make a confident decision and to try to nuke the affair if that is what you decide to do. Without good intel you can't make a solid decision because you will fear destroying the marriage over what might be innocent.


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

You need to nip this in the bud pronto, amigo.


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## tapinc (Dec 1, 2011)

*Re: my wife has a guy texting friend*

thank you everyone for taking time to read my post and all your advice was well taken. i think everyones dilemmas and marriage problems differ in my dynamic ways for all of us. i agree, that when most spouses are spending a lot of time texting someone else there is grave danger that the marriage is under attach. however saying this i had a wonderful heart to heart with my wife last two nights ago. w spoke for two hours about our relationship and marriage. she cried , i cried, and she reassured that she never meant to hurt me and that she has absolutely no problems ending texting him. i told her that its the hiding or having a private relationship on the side via texting all day with me know is the biggest pain and breaks my heart. if you include me and stare your interest with him to me i would be ok. she explained that its so nice to have him as a text friend, i enjoy his wit and and fun text throughout some days. i asks her if she flirts and she said yes without hesitation. she said that most time its just plain conversations, but she has flirted and he back. she said it so nice to have attention like that and its just as nice when i give it too her. she told me without asking that she even sent a sexy pic of her. she said you remember the sexy bathing suit pic that she sent me, well she sent that same one to him. she loves that she looks great and she loves this other new attention form this guy. i totally believe her honesty on this and i do believe that in most cases this situation would ring many red flags, however i really believe in my heart that its just innocent fun. most people reading this will not understand me when i say this, but i actually get a thrill know she is showing off her sexy body and flirting as long as she agrees to always keep me in the loop with complete honesty about their relationship and esp when she sends a pic. i want to know and be apart of this flirting. she totally agreed. she called the guy next day and explained that she in no means meant to hurt me and that she would divulge andy keep me involved with their relationship, by not erasing text and and letting me know about all pics. i told her its the betrayal that hurst not the fun she is having. i just want to be apart of it and share her experience with him. she agreed. she wants me to go with her to ny next time for her friends birthday and meet him ( kevin ). i texted kevin yesterday and explained that i have to be aware of their relationship . he apologized for all the text and understood me completely and said that in now way does he want to cause any problems in our marriage, that he my wife is an amazing person and friend and enjoys her daily connection. he said he looked fwd to meeting me sometime soon and for me to contact him anytime for any reason. I know the way i handled this will seem so bizarre for all you readers, but i feel good about this and will monitor this closely. ill know if my wife's being up front about their texting and pics and ill be able to gage her mood and happiness with me. i can see every text and pic on my online ph bill. thank you everyone who is taking the time to read this and sharing your opinions and messages.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

If you're happy, then that's all there is to it.
But don't be afraid to come back if.........Well, my spider senses are tingling, but that might just be me.


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## lpsscc (Oct 31, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> If you're happy, then that's all there is to it.
> But don't be afraid to come back if.........Well, my spider senses are tingling, but that might just be me.


Yep. Not to be rude and judgemental but he will be back. Sounds like typical Gaslighting to me.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

In May I found out my Husband had been taxting a girl he works with, deleting all the texts and keeping his phone on him all the time. He text her 300 times in march alone. 

On saturday he confessed that after I had discovered the texts he went on to sleep with her and she got pregnant.


STOP THIS NOW... she is allowing herself to get into something that will damage your marriage


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

In a sense, she has gotten your permission to pursue the POSOM further.


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Tap, I completely understand your conflicted emotions. I have been in your shoes following the discovery of my wife's nearly 6-year EA with an old flame. Initially, I just asked her to let me know when she was in contact with him. I understood that they had a history and that they were friends. Yet, having seen the content of the messages between them over the years, I saw the relationship for what it was: a betrayal of our marital bond and a huge threat to our relationship. I told her that I would not put up with her having any more contact with the OM. I drove 300 miles and confronted the OM face-to-face, and I installed spyware on her laptop and our home computers. She has, to my knowledge, kept her NC (though one can never know for sure that she just has gotten better at hiding--I don't have access to her work phone or computer), and we are working on our marriage, heading to counseling after the holidays, while I restart my individual counseling. 

I know it's terribly hard to think that someone you've loved and trusted for so long could get swept up in something that would be so harmful and deceitful. Yet, as others have posted, EAs can be a powerful addiction.

My advice is for you to do a "Barney Fife" right now: Barney Fife - Nip It - YouTube

Good luck. I fear you're gonna need it before this is all over.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Oh boy.:wtf: Seems like you are a nice guy. You are digging the pit your executioner is going to put you in with a smile on your face. :smthumbup:

The good news is you seem to be OK with the whole cuckhold thing.

If you are going to go down this path I fear you will regret it. Just do at least one thing. Don't cry in front of your woman. In a perfect world it would be OK, but it ain't. 

I do sincerly hope I'm wrong.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Tap - I totally understand your reaction, your sentiments, and your faith in your wife. I totally DO NOT understand your faith in this OM - no way no how. This arrangement you have supposedly reached with the two of them would never be, could never be, for me; but to each his own. 

I'll tell you this though - while you, your wife and now this other man who constitutes the third leg of your marriage may work out and live happily ever after - you will be the exception - by far.

Far far more likely is that they have simply gas lighted you into believing it's innocent and now even gained your express approval to communicate making your position even more difficult. Next time you get uncomfortable what do you do. How do you confront something you agreed to? When you do they'll say that you agreed to it all and you're being unfair and unreasonable, that you're being controlling or jealous - that you - in all your silliness and narrow mindedness just can't understand their relationship that you signed off on. 

I hope I'm not right and I hope you don't find yourself here again....


but I won't bet that way.


Good Luck


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Tap, are you really OK sharing your wife this way with another man? Really? or maybe your pain has your mind grasping at straws to make your wife happy(mine did right after d-day 2months ago and it still takes me to some very dark places))....like the others said if and when it really starts to bother you, (which it all ready has) what can you say then?
If my wifes e/a partner would like to meet me and talk, with me.(which he's pussed out on already) it would not be a very nice seen and he knows vey well what the outcome would be...

Like me you are on the emtional rollercoaster and it SUCKS, your mind will take you places you never thought of, agree to nothing right now, make her quit contact with guy, nothing and I mean nothing good can come of it...


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Read Morituri's redistribution of 'let her go'
That will soon let you know exactly what she wants to do. It'll wake her up too.
Please, I can really see this going bad, bad, bad.
Your conscious mind is trying to protect you, but the red flags are there. Careful where you swim because we can see shark fins on those waters.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

You're being too nice about this. Trust me. Being his friend won't help.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

tapinc, paragraphs would make it possible to read your posts.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your right, he doesn't want your wife, he just wants to get in her pants. You both have been taken in. Its like he's laughing all the way to the bank(bed).


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Its like he's laughing all the way to the bank(bed).


Just make sure that if he leaves his deposit it doesn't gather interest!


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

This is a huge mistake you just made. From this point on, you have to live constantly looking over your shoulder. Whatever your W promised you is just a promise. She herself even admitted that she really enjoyed his attention. Now, because you confronted her, you expect her to keep the interaction tame from this point on? 

The excitement she describes is not about those tame conversation but those flirty ones she shares with him, the talk of infatuation, the idea of should we or shouldn't we (cross the line), etc... Trust me, she will not be able to control herself if you allow her to keep communicating with him. 

The depth of emotional or physical intimacy between man and woman is such that once it develops to a certain level, it is very difficult to retract to the state before. The only way to stop it is to demand the complete NC with this man. This is the only way to help your W wean off this guy for whatever she was getting from him. Your approach is very very wrong.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I get a feeling that you have only seen the proverbial "tip of the iceberg". There is almost certainly much, much more to this friendship than she has admitted.

Sorta like the kid who asks if he can have a cookie after he has swiped three of them out of the cookie jar.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

At least start reading the other threads about EAs. Your have a hard time accepting what is really going on. Its not necessarilly that she is hiding what is happening but she may not realize what is going on herself.

What you proposing is like watching her have an affair. Emotional affairs are as hard or harder on a marriage than a purely physical affair. Get some expert advice on emotional affairs. You are on the edge of a bottomless pit.

The only question is if you can break this up before it is to late.

If you think the OM is not after your wife's a$$ you don't have a clue about what is going on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read this again, then print it off and give it to your wife but don't let her know about this website.






F-102 said:


> I wrote something on another thread about how this usually turns out-here is a paraphrased version of it:
> 
> Right now, it's "innocent" texts, and there is "nothing going on"
> 
> ...


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, but you've screwd up and likely given your wife to this guy. She's already flirting and sharing sexy pics wth him. Soon, she will need time to think about wat she wants and will begin finding fault in all things you do, along with rewriting history.

She is in an EA and you just gave her the Ok to do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree: What a fool.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> :iagree: What a fool.


Hey, let's be nice.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> What makes you so sure she is not going to leave you for him? How do you know she will not start entertaining such thought in the future? Also, even if she never plans to leave you, does that make it acceptable if she continues this EA? If this EA has not escalated into PA during her visit there already, it surely will escalate into some kind of physical act for sure soon.
> 
> I know you love your W and want to trust her. I know she has been a wonderful W all these years and still is, other than this new boyfriend she infatuated with. So many husbands fall victim to W's infidelity, which starts out exactly like yours. If you don't believe me, read on some other posts. There are tons of them.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Another amazing wife and mother being unfaithful to her loving husband who refuses to believe she would do that with another man. Sigh. Anyway, yes the odds are she has consummated this already. 

Clearly she is in at the least an EA. She must go NC immediately.

Also you guys need to do His Needs Her Needs together and discuss, define and implement proper boundaries. Your wife has inadeaute boundaries. 

Your inability to act is pushingnher to other men. So man up and defend your marriage or get out of the way soe she can find a man willing to invest the time an effort in her.

Stop being such a nice guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> btw - look at the times of the texts when she was there. Look for a flurry then a pause at night then a flurry. This is likely when they met up if it went PA.
> 
> Not a good sign that she seems to have put a lot of effort into connecting before, during and after.
> 
> ...


Right this often ends up in the man unzipping his trousers ... or worse the amazing wife unzipping his trousers.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: my wife has a guy texting friend*



tapinc said:


> thank you everyone for taking time to read my post and all your advice was well taken. i think everyones dilemmas and marriage problems differ in my dynamic ways for all of us. i agree, that when most spouses are spending a lot of time texting someone else there is grave danger that the marriage is under attach. however saying this i had a wonderful heart to heart with my wife last two nights ago. w spoke for two hours about our relationship and marriage. she cried , i cried, and she reassured that she never meant to hurt me and that she has absolutely no problems ending texting him. i told her that its the hiding or having a private relationship on the side via texting all day with me know is the biggest pain and breaks my heart. if you include me and stare your interest with him to me i would be ok. she explained that its so nice to have him as a text friend, i enjoy his wit and and fun text throughout some days. i asks her if she flirts and she said yes without hesitation. she said that most time its just plain conversations, but she has flirted and he back. she said it so nice to have attention like that and its just as nice when i give it too her. she told me without asking that she even sent a sexy pic of her. she said you remember the sexy bathing suit pic that she sent me, well she sent that same one to him. she loves that she looks great and she loves this other new attention form this guy. i totally believe her honesty on this and i do believe that in most cases this situation would ring many red flags, however i really believe in my heart that its just innocent fun. most people reading this will not understand me when i say this, but i actually get a thrill know she is showing off her sexy body and flirting as long as she agrees to always keep me in the loop with complete honesty about their relationship and esp when she sends a pic. i want to know and be apart of this flirting. she totally agreed. she called the guy next day and explained that she in no means meant to hurt me and that she would divulge andy keep me involved with their relationship, by not erasing text and and letting me know about all pics. i told her its the betrayal that hurst not the fun she is having. i just want to be apart of it and share her experience with him. she agreed. she wants me to go with her to ny next time for her friends birthday and meet him ( kevin ). i texted kevin yesterday and explained that i have to be aware of their relationship . he apologized for all the text and understood me completely and said that in now way does he want to cause any problems in our marriage, that he my wife is an amazing person and friend and enjoys her daily connection. he said he looked fwd to meeting me sometime soon and for me to contact him anytime for any reason. I know the way i handled this will seem so bizarre for all you readers, but i feel good about this and will monitor this closely. ill know if my wife's being up front about their texting and pics and ill be able to gage her mood and happiness with me. i can see every text and pic on my online ph bill. thank you everyone who is taking the time to read this and sharing your opinions and messages.


So you just agreed to your wife having a "relationship" with this other man. In fact she did not go NC but instead assurred him that their relationship will continue with the blessing of her husband. Awesome!!! 

Sorry but you have messed up big time buddy. I am sure both your wife and the OM are feeling pretty good about it too. Good luck. Letting another man meet your wifes needs is a mistake. She also is meeting his needs.

Your wife will end up throwing it back in your face that you were ok with the relationship and that a real man would have fought for her. It is your wife who is disrespecting you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This has DISASTER written all over it. Its likely she already slept w him. Did you ever confirm she went w anyone on the trip where he lives? Cause it coulda been just the two of them. Don't go w her to meet him. Why would u agree to that???? Tell her it stops now or else. She is having an affair w him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't think it fair to say that Tapinc has handed his wife to the other man or to somehow say Tapinc is to blame. His wife is 100% to blame for having an affair.

Tapinc is guilty of not nuking her when he found out that things were wonky. Things are indeed heading for disaster, and I would only place the blame on Tapinc to the level of he might have been able to stop the affair but made mistakes. But in reality he didn't know about things until it was probably too late already.

In the years to come, Tapinc should not be blaming himself for his wife's affair!


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> I don't think it fair to say that Tapinc has handed his wife to the other man


Dude, he might as well. He's letting this thing flourish _into_ an affair... what more do you want. By the time you know it, his wife and this guy are going to consummate their relationship by getting emotionally, and then physically involved


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## tapinc (Dec 1, 2011)

thanks everyone for their straight forward advice. I'm beginning to realize that everything being posted is correct and that I'm making a grave mistake. it 4am and i can't sleep. we had several friends over last night and it was a long day with things going on and i had a few drinks and it began to occur to me that my wife says she loves me but i sensed and admitted to my self that she is emotionally disconnected . she say all the right things, she acts like the perfect wife and esp around our friends, but the connection is gone. i feel myself constantly wanting to go up to her and i love u and hug her, but i realize she's not reciprocating the feeling other than words. I'm afraid she has fallen out of love on some level. she loves I'm a great father and I'm beginning to think it stops there. she dosnt want to break the family up. we have with two young kids and she went through a horrible time during her your childhood with her parents divorced when she was 9 and seeing her mom so heart broken. she tells me she never wants our kids to ever go through that. i believe her when she say this. however i don't think she ever anticipated falling out of love with me. and last night so much racing through my head and it was clear to me . her love for me has declined starting several years ago to the point i wonder now that i know this ,is it possible to win her back? my heart say no, but my heart also says i have to desperately try everything possible with out seeming too desperate. and yes i have to get her to stop the emotions affair with the other guy. i was gullible to thinks she could have this fun connection with anther guy and also have fun, flirtations and affection for me too. i don't think a she is capable the sharing that passion with me and with thte other guy. he is on her mind and its not me. though two days ago i told her she could keep this friendship with this guy i do realize i was wrong and i have to try and get her to end it. she will be very sad and mad at me. but everyone posting is right, it has to stop if our marriage has any chance. i just wondering if its too later to ever truly win her back even if she stops ea with the other guy. how will i ever earn her true love again. I'm scared, confused and angry with myself to have let her fall out of love with me. the pain to come is going to very had to handle. i just hope I'm strong enough and just maybe with a glimmer of hope win her back.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Your eyes are opening. That is a good thing.
Your wife most likely does have the OM on her mind - and it's common, actually it's part of the process. You can't WIN her back, because for you to have any chance of moving forward as a couple you need to win yourself back first.
You need to start a 180 on some level, and redevelop your self confidence and awareness of yourself.
She may not want this family to split up due to her own childhood issues, but it was SHE who decided to venture out of the marriage, not you! Anything that happens is a direct cause of HER actions, do not feel guilty about possible directions because of what she went through as a child. You need to do what's best for you and your kids.
As you start to move towards self indipendence, then, and only then, can your wife start to feel what is happening. This may cause her to wake up and scrable to make things good.
Then again she may not.
But you will have control of the most important thing. Yourself!

Don't rely on hope. As people here are telling you, it's hardball time.
My marriage only started on the road to R AFTER I threw her out for breaching NC.
She knew then that it was real as were the conequences.

Best wishes.

N-B


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

It's good that you have come to the realization. You were naive to think a woman can love multiple men at the same time. Yes, we do hear of such cases, but those are exceptions. Most times, when they put a new love interest in their heart, the old one gets pushed out. And, it is a very difficult struggle for the woman to reverse the process even if she tries. This is the part about women that we men often either do not understand or underestimate the difficulty of. 

Of course, we do not want to be the jealous husband, but we have to play a vigilant husband with a healthy dose of jealousy to guard our W's heart. This is where you failed so utterly. Your intention is noble that you want to accept and respect your W's wants and happiness, but as you can see your good intention obviously has a devastating consequence for both of you. 

Now, you have to fight for your marriage. To fight for it, you must prepare yourself to be willing to let it go. Don't accept the blame for the affair itself. But, do accept the blame for allowing it to come this far. I say this, because I know how much you want to keep this marriage. But, the more desperate you become, the more difficult it will be for you to say what you need to say and act what you need to act, in your what should be all-or-nothing effort to stop this EA once and for all.

The odds are still in your favor. Your ultimate card here is the threat of divorce. Based on what you told us, I have a feeling that the depth of your W's infatuation with OM is probably not strong enough yet for her to want to break up her family, although I suspect it may be already deep enough to leave "you" as a spouse. There is a difference, you see. At this point, you take whatever you can. Don't let yourself get too sensitive about these things. People's feelings change all the time. If it works out, her heart someday will come back to you.

- Give her an ultimatum to either end the communication with OM or divorce you. There should be no compromise whatsoever this time. You really have to be willing to go through with it. Otherwise, she will sense it and call it bluff. 
- Demand her to write NC letter to OM. The letter has to be written by her, approved by you, and sent together to him. 
- Inform OMW or OM's GF, if he has any, the true nature and the depth of their EA.
- Demand all her passwords and communication records.
- Demand full confesson of what has really been going on. Remember we have a strong suspicion that there has been some PA element in this as well. This is not to punish her. Only with a full confession, you can attempt to restore honesty and trust back in your relationship. There is no way around it. 
- Demand that she attends MC with you.

These are the most basic steps you must take. And, there are other secondary steps that follow.

- You must look for remorse. Without genuine remorse on her part, even if she does stop the contact for now, your relationship is just stuck in a limbo stage without being able to move on or heal. Her chance of breaking NC stays high, and the true reconciliation cannot start. 
- Demand polygraph if you sense her confession is not fully truthful. You may feel this is extreme, but you have to understand that getting the full confession is such a vital step in recovery that you must be willing to push for such extreme measure if the situation requires it.
- If she shows reluctance to end her EA, expose it to others. Start with your family and inlaws. You can later include friends, her work, OM's work, and some even include their children if they are old enough.


Remember when you threaten of D, you must mean it wholeheartedly. This is a test of your character just as much as of your W's. Don't fail yourself. Be genuine. 

Good luck.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

tapinc said:


> we have with two young kids and she went through a horrible time during her your childhood with her parents divorced when she was 9 and seeing her mom so heart broken. she tells me she never wants our kids to ever go through that. i believe her when she say this.


She says that, but she went right ahead and has an affair with another man.



tapinc said:


> her love for me has declined starting several years ago to the point i wonder now that i know this ,is it possible to win her back?


You still have it backwards. She is the one who betrayed your trust, your family, and your marriage. She is the one who has to win YOU back.



tapinc said:


> my heart say no, but my heart also says i have to desperately try everything possible with out seeming too desperate.


You need to be prepared and show that you will let her go. Until you realize this, you're lost in the fog of denial. It sounds counterintuitive, but you have to be willing to let her go in order to get her back.



tapinc said:


> and yes i have to get her to stop the emotions affair with the other guy. i was gullible to thinks she could have this fun connection with anther guy and also have fun, flirtations and affection for me too.


And how exactly do you know this is just an emotional affair? You haven't done any investigating. This is usually just the tip of the iceberg. Would you change your mind if you found out that she's been riding him, giving him BJs?

*You are doing nothing but enabling her*. She's getting to cake eat. 



tapinc said:


> i don't think a she is capable the sharing that passion with me and with thte other guy. he is on her mind and its not me. though two days ago i told her she could keep this friendship with this guy i do realize i was wrong and i have to try and get her to end it.


Its not too late. Tell her now, that you will NOT live in an open marriage. It's either you or him and you are not willing to share her, because that's what you're doing right now. There is no room for 3 in a marriage! 



tapinc said:


> she will be very sad and mad at me.


Of course she'll be mad, it the typical response of a selfish person in an affair. She's been cake eating. You are only the provider, the man who takes care of her kids. She wants to have the security of marriage and the freedom to play with other man. You are only her 2nd choice. Stop this now. Knock her off the fence and stop her cake eating.



tapinc said:


> but everyone posting is right, it has to stop if our marriage has any chance. i just wondering if its too later to ever truly win her back even if she stops ea with the other guy.


Again, it's not about winner her back. You cannot make her love you. She's the one who should be trying to win YOU back.



tapinc said:


> how will i ever earn her true love again. I'm scared, confused and angry with myself to have let her fall out of love with me. the pain to come is going to very had to handle. i just hope I'm strong enough and just maybe with a glimmer of hope win her back.


Now this is very sad and looks very unattractive. Do you want to wait out her affair like some other pathetic people have done? 

You need to do the one 180. This is for you to gain strength, the strength to go on, with or without her. Its not a tool to manipulate her to get her back. This is for you. Its seems that you're VERY CODEPENDENT on her. This needs to end.

Do the hard 180. The link is in my signature, for you newbies. Get over your codependency and your fear of losing her. Demand she go NC immediately. Expose the OM to his wife and family if he has one. Demand she be transparent, or you will file for divorce. These are the ONLY options you have to save your marriage. *Stop being an enabler and enabling her affairs!*


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I would take a look at Athol's blog, married man sex life. 

I do think you are a "nice" guy based on your initial reaction to this. Maybe check out no more Mr Nice guy. 

The good news is learning has occured here and the realization that this is all kinds of ****ed up is the first step in getting your life back online. Good luck and stick around, the members here can and will help you.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

As I alluded to before, you have to make her SCARED S**TLESS that you will divorce her. She must see that as a real consequence, and not just a threat.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Before you confront her again, you need to put in place a few things to catch if the affair goes underground - either immediately or in the next weeks/months.

You need to have a keylogger in place on the PC, and you need to have a VAR under the seat in her car. You also need a way to monitor her phone.

She will fight your demand, and you must be ready to deal with her going behind your back.

BTW - Never ever reveal your sources to her in confrontations. It just teaches her how to better hide things.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

JustaJerk said:


> Dude, he might as well. He's letting this thing flourish _into_ an affair... what more do you want. By the time you know it, his wife and this guy are going to consummate their relationship by getting emotionally, and then physically involved


I don't care if tapinc introduced her to this guy and gave her $100 to take him out for drinks. The affair is 100% on her. Tapinc has made mistakes which result in not stopping her. But he did not cause her to have the affair. Read the following sentences of his and you'll see that he blames himself for her affair and sees it as his failing if she doesn't come back. Tapinc has it all backwards, which ironically makes it less likely he can save his marriage if that is his goal.



tapinc said:


> she will be very sad and mad at me.
> 
> i just wondering if its too later to ever truly win her back even if she stops ea with the other guy.
> 
> ...


Tapinc, please use paragraphs! 3 or 4 sentences. The large block of text is impossible to read.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

tapinc, you may still be able to salvage this. Tell her that you changed your mind. That you thought that you could be comfortable with this, but you're not. You can even throw in your concerns that she's emotionally disconnecting. But you have to make it clear that you cannot tolerate this. Be firm.

This will go one of two ways. She will either genuinely cut off contact, or take their relationship underground. Hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

F-102 said:


> As I alluded to before, you have to make her SCARED S**TLESS that you will divorce her. She must see that as a real consequence, and not just a threat.


This is the ONLY way. 

:iagree:


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## vickyyy (Oct 28, 2011)

You really need to MAN UP and stop this affair.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only his wife can stop the affair.

What he can do is remove himself from the marriage if she's going to continue the affair.

It's all about boundaries and consequences.


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