# Update!



## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hi Everyone-

Most of you remember me I posted few weeks ago that my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker and that he was confused about our future and didn't know what he wanted to do. He actually wanted to wait to file our taxes before we would get divorced if it didnt work out. Well he asked to work on our marriage that he loved me, so I did ...I gave it my all regardless if I felt betrayed by him. well yesterday marked 2 weeks since I found out and guess what...

He was still having an affair. I found out he took the girl to his best friends house last thursday.

So when he came home yesterday he found all his clothes, shoes and items outside the front of the house. Did I mention it was raining :smthumbup:

Dont get me wrong, I am devastated..but the hell with him.

I also, filed for divorce today...he will get served on thursday. 

I dont know where hes staying, what hes doing nor has he attempted to call me. No hes not at the AP house, shes married with 4 kids.

Im strong now but Im scared I will falter.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Everyone-
> 
> Most of you remember me I posted few weeks ago that my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker and that he was confused about our future and didn't know what he wanted to do. He actually wanted to wait to file our taxes before we would get divorced if it didnt work out. Well he asked to work on our marriage that he loved me, so I did ...I gave it my all regardless if I felt betrayed by him. well yesterday marked 2 weeks since I found out and guess what...
> 
> ...


His loss. What a daft thing for him to do.

We'll be here for you, reconcile, divorce, whatever you think best, we'll back you and support you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yeah, well keep your chin up. He'll think it is a phase and then he'll be shocked when he gets served his papers.

Good Luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Does her husband know? Poor guy...


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

Does her partner know what OW, his wife, has done/ He probably would appreciate knowing.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

No her husband does not know. My attorney also does not want me to speak with any parties.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife

Maybe he is still confused... (sarcasm).

Now stay firm. 

His actions have shown you who he really is.

How did the talk go with your parents? His parents?

HM


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Its just awful. I fell into believing him that we were going to work on our marriage and I find this out.

Such a prick.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

My parents are helping me 100% financially, emotionally, and everything. He doesnt have anyone, he doesnt speak to his parents much.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How did you find out that he took her to a friends house?

I guess he got the hint...


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

ML, 

It may seem crazy but I take my hat off to you. Right decision or wrong , you've got a bit of time even before d would really even become a reality.

Why I take my hat off to you ? You called a spade a spade. What I didnt realize at the time, and a HUGE mistake on my part, I flounder on a decision I knew inside where I really stood on, and IT let my huband continoue to NOT take the responiblity of his action the second I found out about the affair. It then became my problem not his . Does any of that make sense? And I've landed in limbo for the past 2yrs+. Not where you want to be. 

But, I have to say, I've just return to TAM almost a yr later, and I have gotten so much support & strength in the past few weeks than I have months! Maybe changes are coming my way ... 

~sammy


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife

Good job. Dump the loser.

Sammy is right, do not let yourself get stuck in limbo.

The key is being decisive.

Especially when you are left with no other options.

HM


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

MyLife, good for you!!! Right up front accept the fact that it's a long process and that you'll have good and bad days. Take the long view, and that is that life should eventually get better.

NEVER EVER let your soon to be ex back into your heart. Keep strong and keep the faith.

I would never reconcile because once the marriage is damaged by infidelity, the trust never ever comes back.

Get through it, work on yourself, get yourself healthy mentally, emotionally, and physically. Then someday when you're ready you can start dating and you might find a man that is deserving of you. Take the long view.

Best,
Walter White


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> No her husband does not know. My attorney also does not want me to speak with any parties.


do you plan on _ever _telling her husband? 

he deserves to know.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Good for you, you are in control of your own destiny.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> No her husband does not know. My attorney also does not want me to speak with any parties.


 He is your attorney not your boss or the keeper of your values. Unless he has a very good reason for you not telling the other woman's husband (OWH), you should tell the OWH right away. Now that you are divorcing your husband, your husband may focus more on getting the other woman (OW). Affairs work best in secret, by you not telling the OWH, you are helping keep that secret and are enabling the affair. You are giving your husband home court advantage over the OWH, because while your husband knows all the dirt on the OWH, the OWH does not know that your husband even exists as an important person in his wife's life, much less that his marraige is under attack. The OWH has a right to know. He has a right to be able to fight for his marriage if he wants. He has 4 children that need their family not to be destroyed by your husband.

Attorneys are all about the law, and not about doing the moral thing. Even if the attorney tells you that there is some small advantage to not telling the OWH, being a good person often means some level of sacrifice to do the right thing.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

TRy said:


> He is your attorney not your boss or the keeper of your values. Unless he has a very good reason for you not telling the other woman's husband (OWH), you should tell the OWH right away. Now that you are divorcing your husband, your husband may focus more on getting the other woman (OW). Affairs work best in secret, by you not telling the OWH, you are helping keep that secret and are enabling the affair. You are giving your husband home court advantage over the OWH, because while your husband knows all the dirt on the OWH, the OWH does not know that your husband even exists as an important person in his wife's life, much less that his marraige is under attack. The OWH has a right to know. He has a right to be able to fight for his marriage if he wants. He has 4 children that need their family not to be destroyed by your husband.
> 
> Attorneys are all about the law, and not about doing the moral thing. Even if the attorney tells you that there is some small advantage to not telling the OWH, being a good person often means some level of sacrifice to do the right thing.


100% agree here. Your attorney has a job to do and that is being done. They want you to stay as dark as possible and that makes sense. You should have a plan in place to let the OM know the same day your husband is served his D papers. 
Your H's affair will be public information at that point. You can let him know you are divorcing due to your H having an ongoing PA with his wife and although you are very sorry, you are in the midst of D and really can't get further involved. He needs to take care of it with his W himself. From there you stay no contact with all parties and stay out of any drama. Your H will not have his real family life nor his fantasy life. You will have done the right thing and be able to feel good about that.
Don't let those poor kids suffer as your H builds a relationship with their mom. Help them if no one else. You do not owe any one anything. It is simply the right thing to do.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband is an A-1 rat & you acted swiftly, so kudos to you.

I, too, believe that you must alert the OWH. Do it anonymously if you're worried. Four children! Just think of the devastation of that family. The BH has a right to know. In a perfect world, he would kick your WH's a*s into next Sunday.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Now the reality for your hub will hit ! OW will not look sooo good. The Pandora box has just opened. 

~sammy


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I agree with TRY. Unless the attorney has good legal reasons not to expose I would expose it to the OW's husband. Typically attorneys don't like messes of any kind. 

1. Do you have hard proof? Can you prove that he indeed committed adultery? If I was your attorney, these would be the type of questions I would ask you. I get it and I would be stupid not to say that your STBXH is 100% guilty, but, do you have proof? The reason I ask is that if you have proof then it could work in your favor as you go through D.

2. Exposing it to the OW's H would disrupt your husband's already poor social support. Right now he is stunned.

3. Frankly if your attorney is so concern did he mention that you can't kick your H out of the house, throw his stuff in the yard, etc. Because legally you can't. Even though I loved what you did this action to me would be more of a legal issue then exposing the A to others. Under the circumstances I doubt your H will do anything. In 2011 I wanted to do that and more, but I drove in rain to my house in another city, pis*ed, and I talked to family, friends and guys I served with in Iraq over the 3 hour drive home to confront my wife. I was prepared to do a lot worse then throw her clothes out in the front yard when it was raining, but folks told me not to do anything stupid. So I applaud you.

Again, unless there is a good legal reason not to expose (and there might be) I would consider letting the OW's husband know.

Have you been tested for STD's?


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I still think exposure is the way to go R or D. You should let your parents, his parents and that POSOW's husband know. Your Attorney is just being careful. That is his job, remember he works for you.

Stay strong and good luck


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

There is a difference between speaking with a "party" to the divorce and speaking with a potential co-defendant's spouse. If the situation were reversed would you want to be told?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Expose. Its tge tam mantra.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hi Everyone-

H wants to work it out but wants to give me time, hes staying somewhere no where near my house. I dont know if I can forget the EA or maybe even a PA. He betrayed me...how would I ever trust him again, he works with her. 

The whole situation is disgusting, to the point I throw up. All I think about is them 2 having sex, kissing and courting even if both have told me it didnt get to that point.

I am seriously thinking of just saying F*** it all.

I love him, I do, thats why i entertain the though and then BAM text messages, phone calls and disgusting thoughts run through my head.

HELP


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I agree with TRY. Unless the attorney has good legal reasons not to expose I would expose it to the OW's husband. Typically attorneys don't like messes of any kind.
> 
> 1. Do you have hard proof? Can you prove that he indeed committed adultery? If I was your attorney, these would be the type of questions I would ask you. I get it and I would be stupid not to say that your STBXH is 100% guilty, but, do you have proof? The reason I ask is that if you have proof then it could work in your favor as you go through D.
> 
> ...



Yes, I have text messages from one to another. No my attorney said not to do it yet, once our divorce is final then I can expose it. Its not legal in the state of Florida to throw out your spouse, but he would not cross me in this manner. He knows Im at a very critical point and is on his best behavior.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife

Divorce takes time.

Take that time to step back. Get your emotions under control.

Judge your H by his actions not his words.

Take the time to decide what you really want to do about your marriage.

You are in control. You can reconcile if you have it in you to forgive him.

And if you can't and the affair is a deal breaker then continue on to divorce.

So step back and take all the time you need to make a decision that is best for you.

HM


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

With work and time, you can definitely get your marriage back on track, that really depends on what you and your husband are like as people and the lives that you have led. If your entire existence is wrapped up in his, then it is harder to get over the trust issues. If you have independence and work on yourself and your life as an individual, I think you can definitely entertain reconciliation. 

Lives that are full of development have room for lots of growth and can more easily put things behind them. That goes both ways, putting an affair behind them and happily move on in the marriage, or putting the marriage behind them and happily move on with life. 

Either way, it will take a couple of months to see which way you are leaning, and then some to move past which ever way you decide. You can be happy with what ever you choose, as long as it is what you want for yourself.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

I was going to take time and I saw my therapist this morning. 

I get to my office he has deleted all my pictures and our marriage off of facebook.

REALLY F**** REALLY.

NOW, I just want to serve him.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> I was going to take time and I saw my therapist this morning.
> 
> I get to my office he has deleted all my pictures and our marriage off of facebook.
> 
> ...


Then serve him. ANd then change the password on FB and kick him off or start a new one.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Then serve him. ANd then change the password on FB and kick him off or start a new one.


Yea, this doesnt seem hes sorry or the least bit interested in being there for me.

I am going to serve him tomorrow.

He continues to hurt me.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yea, this doesnt seem hes sorry or the least bit interested in being there for me.
> 
> I am going to serve him tomorrow.
> 
> He continues to hurt me.


*



He continues to hurt me.

Click to expand...

*That is reason enough.

Not that the cheating isn't horrible but his actions post DD have been very immature.

Do what is best for you and your child.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Everyone-
> 
> H wants to work it out but wants to give me time, hes staying somewhere no where near my house. I dont know if I can forget the EA or maybe even a PA. He betrayed me...how would I ever trust him again, he works with her.
> 
> ...


you want to kill the affair NOW
expose...tell the husband...
tell your friends
tell your family

hes not going to want to give up having his cake and eating it too until you remove the Fork...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yea, this doesnt seem hes sorry or the least bit interested in being there for me.
> 
> I am going to serve him tomorrow.
> 
> He continues to hurt me.


Keep your resolve in this matter. 

Your STBXH is stupid and stupid is as stupid does.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Wow your STBXH is an IDIOT. If you keep entertaining his baloney/lies to reconcile or make it up to you, your an even bigger idiot. I am just being honest. You sound like a sweet person and your letting this big monster of a husband, a guy with no ethics, no respect continuously persuade you to make up and continue on this pitiful excuse of a marriage?

Seriously, I enjoyed reading the part where you threw his clothes out in the rain. That was awesome, now keeping up the friggin momentum and stop pssyfooting at the notion of getting back together. Put your fck'em shoes on and go to clubs with your girlfriends and start meeting other guys, of course wait until your Divorce is finalize, but it doesn't hurt to start rounding up numbers. 

You really need to move on and take care of yourself.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If there's ever been a time for a BS to implement the 180, this is it.

Stop communicating with him, stay separated for as long as you need, and start planning your exit strategy.

Whether you eventually R or D, the advice holds.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Samus said:


> Wow your STBXH is an IDIOT. If you keep entertaining his baloney/lies to reconcile or make it up to you, your an even bigger idiot. I am just being honest. You sound like a sweet person and your letting this big monster of a husband, a guy with no ethics, no respect continuously persuade you to make up and continue on this pitiful excuse of a marriage?
> 
> Seriously, I enjoyed reading the part where you threw his clothes out in the rain. That was awesome, now keeping up the friggin momentum and stop pssyfooting at the notion of getting back together. Put your fck'em shoes on and go to clubs with your girlfriends and start meeting other guys, of course wait until your Divorce is finalize, but it doesn't hurt to start rounding up numbers.
> 
> You really need to move on and take care of yourself.


Thank You! Im trying and working on it. 

Got my attorney and my therapist. my lesson in life is..."Whats love got to do with it".


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Thank You! Im trying and working on it.
> 
> Got my attorney and my therapist. my lesson in life is..."Whats love got to do with it".


Good. Love has nothing to do with this unfortunately. You sound like a good person. I know its hard to unravel what you have built with your husband, but honestly he is doing that on his own. 

Let us know how things go. DO NOT RECONCILE!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Samus said:


> Good. Love has nothing to do with this unfortunately. You sound like a good person. I know its hard to unravel what you have built with your husband, but honestly he is doing that on his own.
> 
> Let us know how things go. *DO NOT RECONCILE!!!*


Do not reconcile unless he returns to you with two bags in his hands and on his knees uttering the words "I really, really screwed up please forgive me".

By the way one bag contains his balls and the other his pen!s.

And in addition to all his passwords he lets you hold the two bags in an undisclosed location for a length of time of your choosing.

Keep moving forward MyLife.

HM


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hi Eveyrone-

I need some advise on a certain subject.

My STBXH was my first in alot of things, my frist love ..... (get it). Im in my late 20's now, I feel like I gave him everything, all of me. Hes the only person to ever make me feel a ceartain way; emotionally and physically. 

Is it possible to ever find these feelings again or am I just going to move on and know that he was it.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Eveyrone-
> 
> I need some advise on a certain subject.
> 
> ...


You will find better ones.


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Eveyrone-
> 
> I need some advise on a certain subject.
> 
> ...


Absolutely! You can have a whole new relationship that will feel every bit a exciting as it did when you fell in love with your current husband. Two years from now you can have a whole new life, give or take. BUt you can only have that new life if you make the choices to allow that to happen.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Working1 said:


> Absolutely! You can have a whole new relationship that will feel every bit a exciting as it did when you fell in love with your current husband. Two years from now you can have a whole new life, give or take. BUt you can only have that new life if you make the choices to allow that to happen.


Thanks! Cheers to hoping :smthumbup:


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Eveyrone-
> 
> I need some advise on a certain subject.
> 
> ...


Very eloquent way to put it mylife.

Take it from a guy who has a twin sister, wife and BF of 28 years and father of 3 girls.

You feel that certain way if you want to feel it. But most especially if you allow yourself to feel it.

Take care of this business. You did not ask for it but you certainly must be the one to finish it.

Your Husband gives good guys a bad name.

In time when the wounds heal you will feel that spark again. The key is to not let fear get in the way of that spark becoming a flame......

HM64


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

happyman64 said:


> Very eloquent way to put it mylife.
> 
> Take it from a guy who has a twin sister, wife and BF of 28 years and father of 3 girls.
> 
> ...


You are awesome.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Give yourself some time to get over the way H treated you.

There are some good guys out there, but with this experience, take some time to get to know the next guy.

Hope you find happiness soon, exercise, go shopping or do something for yourself that you like to do.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

In time you will find passion, and love for another

The 1st may be hard to get over---but he has replaced you---and you gave him probably multiple chances so enuff is enuff

Just take your time, you have a long life ahead of you---and no matter what do not let your Ahole spouse manipulate you

As things get closer to D, he is gonna have 2nd thots and probably try to save himself---you have to be hard, and remember what he actually is

Bottom line you wanna be able to look in the mirror, and have respect for the person you see in that mirror


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> You are awesome.


I have my moments. You are young. Have your priorities straight.

Get rid of the loser and go have a few moments of your own.

You deserve them.

HM


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Oh yes, in many ways your life has just begun. I wasn't even married yet for the first and only time, nor had my one and only child until the age of 36. 

The world is so opened to you. I in one really odd way, if had the choice going through this, I wished it be your age than mine. 

~sammy


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## jac70 (Sep 7, 2013)

jnj express said:


> In time you will find passion, and love for another
> 
> The 1st may be hard to get over---but he has replaced you---and you gave him probably multiple chances so enuff is enuff
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hi TAM-

I wanted to give everyone an update and maybe receive some advice. So I filed for divorce, in the week and a half it took him to get served he begged to work it out and said everything in the book from A to Z. I thought this was a good start so I asked him to join me in MC. Now, if you remember I have been going to IC since I found out about the EA. He agreed, I told him I did file for divorce and he was going to get served to please not read the envelope containing the divorce papers and we would discuss them together. The reason for this is my attorney is a shark and has asked from sole custody to all type of alimony, with reason that ask for the most and then we negotiate. Anyways, He agreed. We had our first marriage counseling and he brought up all his issues with our marriage and the EA. My therapist told me it would be hard but just to listen cause he needs this therapy more than me to be there for him and show him love. Well we made it through our first session and it brought up all the reason why he didnt want to work on our marriage, that afternoon he also got served the divorce papers and of course read them! Now he doesnt know what he wants he sais hes adjusting to living without me and that although he loves me he doesnt know what he wants. Its been small arguments over a week, cause now I find myself as the BS trying to work on a marriage the WS is unsure of. Yesterday was our second MC and we agreed to work on the marriage and the therapist gave us examples as to what to do to be there for each other. Me showing him love him showing me security. Well, He disappeared yesterday and when i called him he said he was hanging out with his friends and was short with no explanations. So this triggered me and I called him ooo like 12 times. I told him I love him to please make me feel secure he went out a rampage about the divorce papers and why was i calling him.

I dont know where we stand hes suppose to move back in today but said he was reluctant to in therapy.

So lost. When I wanted a divorce he wanted me, now that im working on our marriage at his request hes reluctant to. 

We both love each other very much, even our counselor sais it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

"I don't know" is a delay tactic.

He's still playing you and going to drag this out on his time schedule...

Believe actions, not words.

He can't even comply with simple MC task. Tell him MC is over

DID YOU CONTACT HER HUSBAND?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You are in your late 20s, but he acts like a kid. If he proposes MC and does follow the agreements, what hope is there?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

He has to respond when you trigger or no R. 

So yes, he had an affair and the divorce papers are the consequences. If he does not like the divorce papers, then he needs to man up and act like he does not want to throw everything away. 

Try the 180 for a while, for your sake.

Hope he has a good answer for not responding the next time he shows up in MC.


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Hes 30, I was the one that told him if he wanted to work this out he had to go to MC. He agreed to go. 

I just don't know what to expect now I am hurt again and not sure where he stands.

It is evident through counseling that he has abandonment issues from his mother, hence the fear I will go through with the divorce. The therapist sais this is his protection wall. It will come down as we go through the process. But Im getting hurt and bother in the meantime.
I was told that I would have to put myself in this place until he breaks down the wall and I agreed I could do this. I can, I know im strong enough but sometimes like last night it kills me. I got triggered and did the opposite of what i was suppose to do.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You just don't get it do you------

You will never win with this guy---what the he*L IS THE MATTER WITH DUMPING HIS CHEATING A*S, AND MOVING ON----ARE YOU SCARED TO GO OUT ON YOUR OWN---and find a good decent man

Why are you coming here complaining---YOU ARE GETTING EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE ASKING FOR

This POS that you are married to IS NOT GONNA CHANGE--- he will do what is necessary to keep you tied to him---but once he is comfortable with, where you are at---he will be off chasing other women---COUNT ON IT

I thought you had gotten to the point where if you looked in a mirror, you would be proud of what you saw-------not so much anymore-----

YOU HAVE GOT TO STAY HARD----you do not give in---you DO NOT BE NICE---In fact you F'ing stay DARK ON HIM---No conversations for any reason

But sad to say---IMHO, you will somewhere along the way---let him CON YOU into giving up, WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD BE DOING----

YOU ARE YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Did you expose the affair to other women's husband yet?
If not you should. Cause he is probably still banging her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

Continue with the D and move on. Period. You just witnessed yourself what life will be if you keep letting him back. So unless you want it to be like this then D full speed.


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## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Hi Everyone-
> 
> Most of you remember me I posted few weeks ago that my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker and that he was confused about our future and didn't know what he wanted to do. He actually wanted to wait to file our taxes before we would get divorced if it didnt work out. Well he asked to work on our marriage that he loved me, so I did ...I gave it my all regardless if I felt betrayed by him. well yesterday marked 2 weeks since I found out and guess what...
> 
> ...



Notify the other woman's husband about the affair. He should know about it! Good luck. Stay strong. I am sorry you are going through this.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Do you have any children?


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> Do you have any children?


Yes, a toddler.

I am not on here to complain simply receive advice. I have an attorney and a counselor. I just don't know what's going on. In therapy he said he wanted to work on it and then cute and off last night. I'm just confused, I reached out to our counselor she should be calling me back within 24 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mylife1234 (Oct 8, 2013)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yes, a toddler.
> 
> I am not on here to complain simply receive advice. I have an attorney and a counselor. I just don't know what's going on. In therapy he said he wanted to work on it and then cut and off last night. I'm just confused, I reached out to our counselor she should be calling me back within 24 hours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mylife1234 said:


> Yes, a toddler.
> 
> I just don't know what's going on. I'm just confused.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For the sake of your child, it is worth trying to save the marriage.

But right now, he still is having an affair. He's still in it.

There is no guarantee you can save your marriage, but if you want a shot at it, you have to blow up the affair and there has to be no contact with the other woman. You can't save the marriage while he's still cheating on you.

Attorneys know how to get divorced, not how to save a marriage. Unfortunately, the two are diametrically opposed.

The plan to save the marriage would start with telling the other woman's husband.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Counselors generally seem to operate on the assumption that both people are telling the truth in counseling. When it comes to a cheater, that rarely is the case. So the counselor's advice very well may be based on incorrect information.

Counselors also operate on the assumption that both parties are there because they want to save the marriage. When it comes to a cheater, many times they are in counseling only for appearances, so they can say, "see, I tried counseling, it didn't work, we just had 'differences,'" not "I cheated on my wife and left her." Most people look more kindly on the former than on the latter.

To eliminate YOUR confusion going forward, pay attention to your husband's ACTIONS. He SAYS he wants to work this out, then he LEAVES YOU HANGING AND DOESN'T RETURN YOUR CALLS. Do you believe the words or the actions?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Forget MC for now. Keep going to your IC for your own benefit and that of your toddler. 

Get the divorce and THEN see how he acts. If you don't you will be on the yes/no merry-go-round until the OW decides to leave her husband. 

Don't you think he'd be long gone if the OW was free to join him?

It looks like he's keeping you on the line to avoid losing his pants in divorce. As soon as you are in check by trying to 'work it out' he's free to go back to her. 

You said you 'both love each other very much'. I think you are mistaking dependency and fear for love on your part and ascribing an emotion he is incapable of having to him. 

tell the OWH. Tell him today.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Therapy is ****ing useless. All humans have reasoning skills, but some choose to ignore them. 

I am in total disbelief about how your dealing with this. You are totally not respecting yourself by continuously giving him chances.

If I were your husband I would cheat all the time and lie that I love you too keep you from leaving me because you are very naive!!!

You need to hang out with girlfriends and meet someone new or just enjoy sex. You don't need a man. This will get you too move on. Quit the stupid therapist. Listen to your true friends on TAM who has been through this **** and the test of time. Therapists have not been cheated on so wtf do they know.

You got him by the balls, alimony, child support, he is scared about that nit because you want to divorce. Don't kid yourself this guy does not love you. He is having sex with other women for sure. I assure you.

Probably escorts, strippers and this girl you mentioned. He is not trustworthy. Dump him and get a real man to be a father of your son.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Grow Up-----You do not need a counselor, for what YOU KNOW, you NEED to do----are you telling us you are not adult enuff to make your OWN decisions---now you are dependent on a counselor---once again---you are a mature, grown up adult---ACT LIKE ONE

You know what adultery is, what it leaves in its wake---you are already an example

You know what needs to be done---stop back pedaling, everytime your H, spews out his manipulative lies----you need to be done with this guy----child or not child---this is a toxic relationship, with a guy who is gonna always get what he wants from you---cuz you are ALWAYS backing down

Stay Hard and stay your course


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Sounds like he doesn't want to live with any boundaries. He wants to work it out until he sees that you are asking for full custody? Too bad, he needs to make a choice, either work on the marriage or fight through a divorce. He might be the type to go underground with the AP because he needs somebody to put him up on a pedestal, since you aren a challenge to him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you want any chance at all, you need to expose to the OWH. You should have done this a long time ago.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

i say again, do plan on telling her BH?

as much as you would like to, you _can't _skip this step.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my advice is to walk. your toddler will be fine. but the rest of your life most likely will be miserable if you don't. 

it Will be difficult but you will make it. and look back on this being the smartest decision you ever made! 

good luck.


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## Sudra (Oct 16, 2013)

Sounds to me like he's still in the affair. What evidence do you have that he's not? Did he write a NC letter? Did he block her on his phone, facebook, etc? Do you have access to all his electronic devices and all of his passwords so you can verify NC?

Even if he is NC with her, he's not all in reconciliation. This early and he's no even the least bit sensitive to your triggers? That does not bode well for reconciliation. How can you heal with no help from him? He can he fix his issues without any empathy to your feelings?

You need to be very, very careful here. Why do you want to R with the way he is acting right now?


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