# Just want to ramble...



## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

So it’s been just over 2 months since our divorce was final and I’ve got a few ups and downs. Emotionally, I’m okay with things, what other choice do I have? So I’m living with it. I do worry about the kids (twins, age 10), but our environment is stable, and I’m reading all the books about co-parenting when you don’t get along, so I’m trying to make this work.

BUT there are days when I just shake my head at all this. And wonder why? I didn’t want to go through a divorce, I didn’t want my kids to go through a divorce, I wanted them to see a long term, loving marriage between mom and dad, but it’s not going to happen. 

Part of the recovery process for me is to stop mourning the loss of my partner in life, the loss of a family, a marriage, and to recognize that our environment was toxic. I’ve been thinking a lot about the things I endured from him for over 12 years and what brought us to this point - verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse, serial cheating (on some level pretty constant), non stop lying, etc. I can safely move on with more important things like being a good role model for my kids and finding myself again, or for the first time maybe (was a drunk much of my adult life, from early 20’s to 38). Being immersed in a toxic marriage for 12 years is draining, being a drunk is draining. I could’ve gotten out several times over, but I wasn’t thinking straight, and I was captivated by the drama I guess. But then we sobered up and began another chapter elsewhere.. those were 3 to 4 really good years that followed.. I don’t know if he was doing anything behind my back, I caught him in a few white lies, but we had fun for those years and everything was going really good, I thought. Unfortunately, I caught him cheating on me with some woman from work 4 years into our “new chapter” and 6 months into working through that, he suggested we “celebrate” with a little pot one night. I’m all for the benefits of pot, I like pot, I think it should be legalized and regulated in the US. But it’s like any addiction in that maybe some people just shouldn’t touch any mind altering substance... once the pot was introduced into our lives, it never left. And conversations between us about anything of substance were becoming less and less. He seemed to want more and/or stronger pot, he was sneaking money, gone to “work” more, etc, life seemed to revolve around getting high. This progressed for a year and a half and when his anger grew to levels I haven’t seen in the 12 years we’ve been married, he was asked to leave the home. I think he was trying to make it work, or trying to appease me to have his cake and eat it too, either way, we were in pastoral counseling when his anger flared to new heights. When he was asked to leave the marital home for a 30 day cooling off period, he filed for divorce and got meaner. We don’t speak anymore and when we do it turns into him shouting at me... I just hang up if he hasn’t already and attempt to discuss by text if it’s important. I can’t tell if he’s still using, he’s got a fiancé now and they live together... she seems fairly bright, she’ll figure it out. 

Anyway, I just wanted to “talk” this morning.

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Prosaic question here; but did you get tested for STI's regularly, since he seems to have been a serial cheater?


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Prosaic question here; but did you get tested for STI's regularly, since he seems to have been a serial cheater?




I’ve had my annual but they didn’t test specifically for STD’s... insurance prevented that and I have to make a separate appointment to do that. I’ve been in denial and anything sexual is the furthest thing from my mind, but I know I need to get it done. 

ETA: I’ve been tested in the past.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

GAgirl912 said:


> So it’s been just over 2 months since our divorce was final and I’ve got a few ups and downs. Emotionally, I’m okay with things, what other choice do I have? So I’m living with it. I do worry about the kids (twins, age 10), but our environment is stable, and I’m reading all the books about co-parenting when you don’t get along, so I’m trying to make this work.
> 
> BUT there are days when I just shake my head at all this. And wonder why? I didn’t want to go through a divorce, I didn’t want my kids to go through a divorce, I wanted them to see a long term, loving marriage between mom and dad, but it’s not going to happen.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you're feeling right now. I too, never wanted a divorce and tried as hard as anyone could to save the marriage and keep the family intact. I was willing to do anything and I forgave so much to try and reconcile. At the time, my stbx was like yours (without the drinking/drugs) and just wanted out and wanted to be free from me. I read part of your other thread and you said you thought your exH was in a manic phase and if he just got out of it, he could see all the progress and the potential for a good future and come back. That's the same thing I thought about mine. I thought I he was going through a MLC or manic or some sort of break that if he'd just see what he was doing he'd come running back for sure. But what you said above is the absolute truth. It doesn't matter what's going through their heads, we can't fix them, they are TOXIC.

I think for you, the final step in your healing was needing to be apart from this toxic person. It was the best thing for you, and also it was the best thing for your kids. I understand asking why though, because you saw all this potential and he didn't, and why did he choose to leave the marriage and start over with someone new when he could have built something even better with you and kept everyone together. It goes back to being a toxic person and being in a toxic environment. You have an incredible capacity to forgive and forge new, they don't.

My divorce will be final in about 3 weeks but I remember how I felt after it had been officially dead and over. My first feelings were of peace that it was finally quiet in my head and he couldn't hurt me anymore. After a few weeks of that I did have a new kind of anger, maybe that's what you're experiencing now. And I think it was I had finally healed enough to realize that *I* was the prize, he should have fought for me and he didn't, and I was angry at myself for trying so hard to be with someone who didn't give a crap about me. So I think your asking why now might be part of that, like now you have healed and love yourself enough to recognize the toxicity and you didn't deserve that. Your kids are better off and so are you. Keep pushing forward, you'll get through this. You've made a lot of progress and none of this will break you, only make you stronger.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Sometimes getting rid of the toxicity is the only thing that allows a better life. My best wishes as you move forward, it seems to me you're on the right track.

Stay close to your pastor, your church, and your Lord. Lyrics from an old hymn say about Him:

_....the hope of all who seek Him,
the help of all who find...._


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a well thought out Thread.

Yes, you did the right thing. You escaped the spider's web.

.............................................................................................................................

I give Kudos to your learning that the common garden pot eventually grows weeds when real life water is used to quench it.

Saying pot is OK for general use, is generally useless advice. Espoused by those who are cloud-bound.

My very smart youngest brother became a pot head on the left coast.
So were all his friends, and his wife, too.

They all live/lived wacky lives, lived poorly, drama was everyday.

My kind sweet brother died of cancer at a young age.
All his friends? Dead, or in jail, or sick, or.......helpless, hopeless.

Yeah! Legalize pot, it is not harmful.

Bite me!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

GAgirl912 said:


> I’ve had my annual but they didn’t test specifically for STD’s... insurance prevented that and I have to make a separate appointment to do that. I’ve been in denial and anything sexual is the furthest thing from my mind, but I know I need to get it done.
> 
> ETA: I’ve been tested in the past.
> 
> ...




Understood. But I feel that I have to urge you just one more time to go and get tested for *everything*; including hepatitis, which is sometimes overlooked.

It would give you some peace of mind.

And I can certainly understand you not feeling sexual. Try to go a year without dating. Live through all the anniversaries and special dates of the year; and remember the good and the bad, and grieve properly,so that you can feel what you need to feel before you move on.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

azimuth said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you're feeling right now. I too, never wanted a divorce and tried as hard as anyone could to save the marriage and keep the family intact. I was willing to do anything and I forgave so much to try and reconcile. At the time, my stbx was like yours (without the drinking/drugs) and just wanted out and wanted to be free from me. I read part of your other thread and you said you thought your exH was in a manic phase and if he just got out of it, he could see all the progress and the potential for a good future and come back. That's the same thing I thought about mine. I thought I he was going through a MLC or manic or some sort of break that if he'd just see what he was doing he'd come running back for sure. But what you said above is the absolute truth. It doesn't matter what's going through their heads, we can't fix them, they are TOXIC.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I can’t tell what happened to him.. if it was just harder/too much pot, he got ahold of harder drugs altogether or he was in an affair, he changed and I wasn’t the only one to see it. If it was a manic phase, if it was drugs, an illicit affair, whatever it was, the process will repeat for him and I don’t have to be a part of it anymore. 

Thank you for your kind words.. I do miss the potential, I miss our good times, when the partnership was blissful and I have a hard time grasping why someone wouldn’t want to keep a family unit in tact and work on harmony within. But alas, it isn’t going to happen... and I am pushing forward, with each day.

Best wishes to your future!




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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> This is a well thought out Thread.
> 
> Yes, you did the right thing. You escaped the spider's web.
> 
> ...




I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m not saying hands down that pot is good. I think it has benefits that should be studied, I don’t think this country needs more mind altering substances added to it, but nevertheless it does seem more natural and “less” harmful overall than other things readily at our disposal. And there are different methods of using cannabis, not all methods result in the fuzzy high, so I do think more research should be done. 

I get anxious when I see all the people with the ability to stop at an alcoholic drink or two with dinner, or the folks who can gather for a football game with some casual drinking, I could never do that. I’m an alcoholic, I stay away from situations where drinking is involved. But it’s legal and not everyone has a problem with drinking too much, every night. Personally, I could have an occasional joint with a group of people and not seek out more the next day or even the next year, it’s a little bit of a struggle, because I enjoy that escape sometimes. Each of us is different. 

Best bet for me is to stay away from it all though at this point in my life  I do need a clear head. 


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think, sometimes we get used to the abuse. It clouds our thinking and we believe it is normal. We don't feel right when it is no longer in our lives. We think there is something missing and wait for it in anticipation. It's not that we like it. We are used to the natural "high" it produces when we are constantly on edge. I think that's the hook. 

I also believe we sometimes can't believe we are good enough as we are. I think being told we are not good enough or whatever abuse is going on provides us with a kind of sick motivation to try more, harder and longer. This seems like a circle of confusion and relentless agony that we come to expect and learn is what we think we need. When you add in the effects of adrenaline and so forth, it becomes an addiction. 

Have you read the book, "Codependence No More", by Melody Beattie? I read it and got something out of it, but it wasn't a fix all. I suppose it couldn't hurt to read it. Sometimes, I can see where I enabled some of the issues in my last marriage. Sometimes, I can't. I think that's a product of accepting the abuse. 

I cannot do the ganga. I get terribly paranoid and out of control frightened. It may be due to some imbalance of chemicals in my brain. I really never tried to find out. I just avoid it like the plague. Whatever good comes out of it, I know the issues you had concerning lethargy and complacency seem to be the tendencies of those who use it. Of course, everyone is different and I don't care if someone uses it, as long as they don't drive, work or try to care for someone in need while enjoying a nice "high". 

So, what do you think your next step will be? What do you see yourself doing as you move forward with your life?


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

azimuth said:


> I'm sorry for what you're going through and what you're feeling right now. I too, never wanted a divorce and tried as hard as anyone could to save the marriage and keep the family intact. I was willing to do anything and I forgave so much to try and reconcile. At the time, my stbx was like yours (without the drinking/drugs) and just wanted out and wanted to be free from me. I read part of your other thread and you said you thought your exH was in a manic phase and if he just got out of it, he could see all the progress and the potential for a good future and come back. That's the same thing I thought about mine. I thought I he was going through a MLC or manic or some sort of break that if he'd just see what he was doing he'd come running back for sure. But what you said above is the absolute truth. It doesn't matter what's going through their heads, we can't fix them, they are TOXIC.
> 
> I think for you, the final step in your healing was needing to be apart from this toxic person. It was the best thing for you, and also it was the best thing for your kids. I understand asking why though, because you saw all this potential and he didn't, and why did he choose to leave the marriage and start over with someone new when he could have built something even better with you and kept everyone together. It goes back to being a toxic person and being in a toxic environment. You have an incredible capacity to forgive and forge new, they don't.
> 
> My divorce will be final in about 3 weeks but I remember how I felt after it had been officially dead and over. My first feelings were of peace that it was finally quiet in my head and he couldn't hurt me anymore. After a few weeks of that I did have a new kind of anger, maybe that's what you're experiencing now. And I think it was I had finally healed enough to realize that *I* was the prize, he should have fought for me and he didn't, and I was angry at myself for trying so hard to be with someone who didn't give a crap about me. So I think your asking why now might be part of that, like now you have healed and love yourself enough to recognize the toxicity and you didn't deserve that. Your kids are better off and so are you. Keep pushing forward, you'll get through this. You've made a lot of progress and none of this will break you, only make you stronger.



Azimuth, a lot of what you said resonates with me and your reply drew me in as it was something I could have written myself. I too didn't want a divorce even though he had cheated; I had wanted to work things out and was willing to do anything. Ultimately though he chose the 19 yr old and treated me rather badly and still I clung to the hope of reconciling (I believed he was having some sort of midlife crisis and he would eventually see sense). How naive was I lol. It took a long time for me to see that things have worked out for the better. If he had chosen to stay with me, I would be constantly worrying he was cheating with her again or with someone else and that is no life to live. He showed his true colours and I am worthy of someone better than that. 

I am glad you also see your worth and that you deserve more. We deserve people who will fight for us and treat us with decency, not cast us aside when things don't go entirely their way and act cowardly by running away instead of facing the problems. Good luck to you, it sounds like you are well on your way to putting this experience behind you. I know you will never forget, but learning to live with what happened and knowing your own worth makes you a much stronger and empathetic individual which can't be bad in the long run.


OP I am glad you are on the road to recovery. It takes a long time and I was in denial for what seemed like forever before I could grieve the loss of my marriage. I was with my husband for just under 9 years, married for just under 3 before our divorce was final and there are still days where I miss 'us' and the things we used to do together. Fortunately we don't have kids, so I don't have any ties with him and unlikely to see him again. I have him blocked on social media and have very little communications with his family which is both a shame and a blessing. 

My divorce was final beginning of August and I had a lot of ups and downs following the decree absolute. What would have been our anniversary at the end of August was a bit emotional but I busied myself with a nice lunch with family and was pleasantly surprised that I felt like a huge weight had been lifted. You too will feel this way once you are ready. Time is a great healer but please know that missing the good times and your old life together is normal and does not make you weak. Live your new life to the max and enjoy being in a better, stable environment. I'm sure you will find someone else when the time is right and you'll be a stronger person who won't accept anything less than you deserve. Best wishes x


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

GAgirl912 said:


> BUT there are days when I just shake my head at all this. And wonder why? I didn’t want to go through a divorce, I didn’t want my kids to go through a divorce, I wanted them to see a long term, loving marriage between mom and dad, but it’s not going to happen.


I read your story and I felt happy that you are providing such a great home and example for your kids. I'm really glad you didn't hang on with false hopes of making it better. It sounds like the previous relationship was toxic for many reasons. You sound healthier and stronger on your own than you could ever be in that relationship. It is sad that the fairytale didn't work out, but that happens for a lot of marriages for a lot of reasons. It sounds like you'll be much better off on this new path.


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

Devastated wife said:


> Azimuth, a lot of what you said resonates with me and your reply drew me in as it was something I could have written myself. I too didn't want a divorce even though he had cheated; I had wanted to work things out and was willing to do anything. Ultimately though he chose the 19 yr old and treated me rather badly and still I clung to the hope of reconciling (I believed he was having some sort of midlife crisis and he would eventually see sense). How naive was I lol. It took a long time for me to see that things have worked out for the better. If he had chosen to stay with me, I would be constantly worrying he was cheating with her again or with someone else and that is no life to live. He showed his true colours and I am worthy of someone better than that.
> 
> I am glad you also see your worth and that you deserve more. We deserve people who will fight for us and treat us with decency, not cast us aside when things don't go entirely their way and act cowardly by running away instead of facing the problems. Good luck to you, it sounds like you are well on your way to putting this experience behind you. I know you will never forget, but learning to live with what happened and knowing your own worth makes you a much stronger and empathetic individual which can't be bad in the long run.
> 
> ...




Thank you so much for your kind words. I think people in our situation like you, me and OP can move forward knowing we gave it our all. I'm so glad you see your worth, too. How awful that he left your marriage the way he did. He is not a real man and very pathetic. You come across as very strong, self aware, intelligent and caring. You will find someone so much better and your life will be so much happier, I know it. 

And absolutely I learned from my situation. All my life I wanted the big family where the parents were married forever with grand kids, the whole nine yards. My parents were divorced and I didn't want my daughter to grow up in a divorced home. On that I feel like failure sometimes, but again I gave it my all and it takes two. But the learning part in that was that the life post-split was not ever that bad for me and her, I personally am happier. Since I've been focusing on my daughter and our life together, she is happy, too. So the world didn't end like I thought it would and it's actually better in a lot of ways. After being separated about 15 months and at the tail end of custody agreements I did find a wonderful person, or actually he found me. It was one of those not-even-looking situations. Because my ex had destroyed my confidence and self esteem, I didn't know what my special guy saw in me at the beginning. But he showed me that I do have something to offer and I'm very lucky to have him and I'm very happy. I know that will happen for you too and OP. Best wishes to you too!!


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

azimuth said:


> So the world didn't end like I thought it would and it's actually better in a lot of ways. After being separated about 15 months and at the tail end of custody agreements I did find a wonderful person, or actually he found me. It was one of those not-even-looking situations. Because my ex had destroyed my confidence and self esteem, I didn't know what my special guy saw in me at the beginning. But he showed me that I do have something to offer and I'm very lucky to have him and I'm very happy. I know that will happen for you too and OP. Best wishes to you too!!


OP, you need to read this part, several times. This is how it usually how it happens, and most of the time, it happens. 

I am not saying any of this will be easy, but I believe sometimes, that the universe pays us back for all the crap that we have gone through. 

This is how it happened with my GF, and it is like no other love I have ever know, and I have been in love so many times...

Just keep your head up and believe that life will get better and frankly it usually does...


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## Devastated wife (Feb 19, 2018)

azimuth said:


> And absolutely I learned from my situation. All my life I wanted the big family where the parents were married forever with grand kids, the whole nine yards. My parents were divorced and I didn't want my daughter to grow up in a divorced home. On that I feel like failure sometimes, but again I gave it my all and it takes two. But the learning part in that was that the life post-split was not ever that bad for me and her, I personally am happier. Since I've been focusing on my daughter and our life together, she is happy, too. So the world didn't end like I thought it would and it's actually better in a lot of ways. After being separated about 15 months and at the tail end of custody agreements I did find a wonderful person, or actually he found me. It was one of those not-even-looking situations. Because my ex had destroyed my confidence and self esteem, I didn't know what my special guy saw in me at the beginning. But he showed me that I do have something to offer and I'm very lucky to have him and I'm very happy. I know that will happen for you too and OP. Best wishes to you too!!


I am so happy for you to have found someone who treats you well and makes you happy. To know that you and your daughter are in a much happier now and in a better place is so uplifting.

It is a shame when you give your marriage/relationship your all and then are walked over and kicked to the kerb but it's their loss and usually someone else's gain. Karma will see to them eventually.

People are always telling me that I'll meet and find someone when I'm not looking and I used to be very sceptical about it. But I've heard of it happening to so many people, they all can't be wrong! I am glad your guy has made you realise what a great, loving person you are and that you deserve all the happiness in the world. Don't ever let your ex or anyone else ever take your confidence away. I think you are both lucky to have found each other and I wish you all the best


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> So, what do you think your next step will be? What do you see yourself doing as you move forward with your life?



I don’t really know. That’s just it, I don’t know how long this can go on. I get to thinking I’m good, I’m pressing forward and then I slow back down. It’s been a terrible year, not just the divorce but my dad died too. So I lost who I thought was my best friend in my husband and I lost my father on earth figure, he was my best friend too. His bday is tomorrow, so I’m on a low right now. And then my ex asks if he could have the kids more over TG this year because his moms coming for 12 days and I just said whatever the court order says. I don’t care if his moms coming, she didn’t do anything to me personally but he’s already got them for 6 days during that time, so it’s fair. 

It’s just the petty stuff that gets to me sometimes... leads me into thinking about the whole situation and where we are. It’s hard. I’m plopped down in the middle of south rural Georgia with no good paying jobs within an hours drive (for my line of work), I’m working online now, but the pay is terrible, it’s stressful and the micromanaging is ridiculous. I have 2 pre-teens I’m responsible for. I’ve thought about trying to move back to where the jobs are, but I’d have a fight on my hands with him and he’d just try to keep them here and they’d probably want to stay, seems he’s doing pretty good financially (sober for now I guess) and his fiancé has been at her job for 20 years, so they have stability and moving them back to a big city kind of scares me anyway... we left for a reason. I just feel so lost at times. If something were to happen and he quit paying child support, I couldn’t make it as it stands now. Scary place to be in. I’ve always been self sufficient, albeit a self sufficient drunk, but I paid my bills, supported myself, had my own place, etc. And then I let my guard down. I became dependent on my husband. I became dependent on the undependable, I became dependent on an addict. 

It’s been a year and five months since he left the first time and then we tried a brief reconciliation and he left for good in March of this year and then my dad died in July (same month my divorce was finalized). I don’t know what the timeline is for healing, but sometimes I feel I should be further along, but I’m tired 

Sad thing is that there’s a divorcee in town that I’m attracted to and for years it seems we’ve bumped into each other in various settings and I’m not getting any younger! I feel like that opportunity is passing me by too.

Just one of those days.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

GAgirl912 said:


> Unfortunately, I caught him cheating on me with some woman from work 4 years into our “new chapter” and 6 months into working through that, he suggested we “celebrate” with a little pot one night. I’m all for the benefits of pot, I like pot, I think it should be legalized and regulated in the US. But it’s like any addiction in that maybe some people just shouldn’t touch any mind altering substance... once the pot was introduced into our lives, it never left. And conversations between us about anything of substance were becoming less and less. He seemed to want more and/or stronger pot, he was sneaking money, gone to “work” more, etc, life seemed to revolve around getting high.


Interesting, that having witnessed what pot can do to a person, you still endorse it.


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## GAgirl912 (Dec 22, 2017)

BigToe said:


> Interesting, that having witnessed what pot can do to a person, you still endorse it.




It’s the whole concept. From what it’s doing to countries and citizens with its continued illegal status to it being a plant that grows naturally and interacts with our body beneficially on many levels if consumed responsibly. I also acknowledged that some folks don’t need to do any mind altering substances, and yes I think pot can be abused just like anything that offers a high in our society. 

In my case, I was married to the casebook study who started smoking weed and doing other things just around the time he turned into a teen. He graduated to harder drugs and more than likely has undiagnosed/untreated mental illness. All of these things contributed to his inability to casually smoke weed and keep it at that, he sought out a more intense high eventually. From initial reports, THC/CBD have a beneficial role in our bodies, it can get there without the high... more studies need to be done, pot needs better regulation, etc.

ETA: I don’t like pharmaceuticals and I’m a firm believer in everything God created works together. Just like wine can be beneficial because it contains grapes, I think cannabis exists as part of our diet, and unfortunately man has politicized it. I’ve read stories that it became a way to keep Mexican immigrants under control in the 30’s. Whatever the case, it has been around since the creation of man and our bodies have receptors. 

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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GAgirl912 said:


> I don’t really know. That’s just it, I don’t know how long this can go on. I get to thinking I’m good, I’m pressing forward and then I slow back down. It’s been a terrible year, not just the divorce but my dad died too. So I lost who I thought was my best friend in my husband and I lost my father on earth figure, he was my best friend too. His bday is tomorrow, so I’m on a low right now. And then my ex asks if he could have the kids more over TG this year because his moms coming for 12 days and I just said whatever the court order says. I don’t care if his moms coming, she didn’t do anything to me personally but he’s already got them for 6 days during that time, so it’s fair.
> 
> It’s just the petty stuff that gets to me sometimes... leads me into thinking about the whole situation and where we are. It’s hard. I’m plopped down in the middle of south rural Georgia with no good paying jobs within an hours drive (for my line of work), I’m working online now, but the pay is terrible, it’s stressful and the micromanaging is ridiculous. I have 2 pre-teens I’m responsible for. I’ve thought about trying to move back to where the jobs are, but I’d have a fight on my hands with him and he’d just try to keep them here and they’d probably want to stay, seems he’s doing pretty good financially (sober for now I guess) and his fiancé has been at her job for 20 years, so they have stability and moving them back to a big city kind of scares me anyway... we left for a reason. I just feel so lost at times. If something were to happen and he quit paying child support, I couldn’t make it as it stands now. Scary place to be in. I’ve always been self sufficient, albeit a self sufficient drunk, but I paid my bills, supported myself, had my own place, etc. And then I let my guard down. I became dependent on my husband. I became dependent on the undependable, I became dependent on an addict.
> 
> ...


It takes a different amount of time for each of us. When you are traumatized by a divorce and then death of a loved one not too long after, it makes it tougher. At least you have attraction for another man. Seems you just need to talk to someone there who can help you get yourself a decent job and then you will feel somewhat better. I do know the feelings of not having enough. I hope you work it out soon. I think you will. You have a positive attitude. Keep trying and it all will work out.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

GAgirl912 said:


> I don’t really know. That’s just it, I don’t know how long this can go on. I get to thinking I’m good, I’m pressing forward and then I slow back down. It’s been a terrible year, not just the divorce but my dad died too. So I lost who I thought was my best friend in my husband and I lost my father on earth figure, he was my best friend too. His bday is tomorrow, so I’m on a low right now. And then my ex asks if he could have the kids more over TG this year because his moms coming for 12 days and I just said whatever the court order says. I don’t care if his moms coming, she didn’t do anything to me personally but he’s already got them for 6 days during that time, so it’s fair.
> 
> It’s just the petty stuff that gets to me sometimes... leads me into thinking about the whole situation and where we are. It’s hard. I’m plopped down in the middle of south rural Georgia with no good paying jobs within an hours drive (for my line of work), I’m working online now, but the pay is terrible, it’s stressful and the micromanaging is ridiculous. I have 2 pre-teens I’m responsible for. I’ve thought about trying to move back to where the jobs are, but I’d have a fight on my hands with him and he’d just try to keep them here and they’d probably want to stay, seems he’s doing pretty good financially (sober for now I guess) and his fiancé has been at her job for 20 years, so they have stability and moving them back to a big city kind of scares me anyway... we left for a reason. I just feel so lost at times. If something were to happen and he quit paying child support, I couldn’t make it as it stands now. Scary place to be in. I’ve always been self sufficient, albeit a self sufficient drunk, but I paid my bills, supported myself, had my own place, etc. And then I let my guard down. I became dependent on my husband. I became dependent on the undependable, I became dependent on an addict.
> 
> ...


We've all wanted to be further along after a few months than we were and petty small stuff will throw you into a funk. It's happened to all of us to varying degrees. The first round of holidays you'll have down days too. As much as you don't want it, it happens and you do just have to ride the storm a little. 

From the work standpoint how far would you have to move to find better opportunities?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Coming to terms with divorce has its own timetable. It's very early yet so give yourself time to mourn (especially having lost your dad a few months ago as well). 

For the future? Don't be dependent. Too easy to get burned.


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