# Am I overreacting?



## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Hi All,

First time ever posting in this forum, and am wanting to get some feedback concerning a recent situation with hubby and I. So here's the deal:

My husband and I have been recently separated, but he wants to work things out so he came to visit me this month. En route to visit me, he stopped off at a golfing convention, and while there, took pictures with a few of the booth girls - these are models who are hired to entice men to certain booths so that they can sell more products.

Well, although I wasn't thrilled by the photos that he took, I understand that it is just a photo and basically harmless fun. What bothered me is that he took a video of one of these girls. While taking this video of her, my husband focused the camera on her butt and thighs. She was wearing a short skirt and imitating a golf swing, which basically just means shimmying her hips back and forth so that her butt had this side to side motion going. 

Well, when I saw the video I thought.... okay, taking a photo is one thing, but recording a video is taking it a step further that I saw as completely unnecessary. I just don't see that as something that a married man should do, and it hurt me quite a bit as well as made me feel totally disrespected as his wife. His excuse as to why he took the video was that: "she (the booth model) told me to take it. It wasn't my idea, she just turned around and told me to shoot the video, so i did."

Now my question to all of you ladies is, would this bother you if it were your husband? And to the men, from your point of view as a man who is married, would this be behavior you would deem as acceptable, or would you ever take a video like this as a married guy? I am honestly interested in seeing things from both the male and female point of view, because my husband said he thought the photo and video was "funny" and that he only meant it as a "joke."

When I told him I didn't see anything funny or lighthearted about that, he then proceeded to tell me "if I had known it would bother you, I wouldn't have done it." But the thing is, he knows how sensitive I am, and we have been married for 6 years now, so he's well aware of my emotions and understands what makes me sad/upset. Anyways, when he showed me that video I get the feeling that he was trying to make me jealous.

He did post the photo of him with one of the girls to facebook and got over 100 "likes", and I saw this as his way of getting virtual high-fives from his buddies. He, however, told me that he could care less what his friends think and that he wasn't doing it to try and be "cool." 

He did not post the video however, and when I asked him why he responded "I think that the video may be a bit much to post, so I decided not to." Now by him saying that, it tells me he knows that the video was going overboard. So that's why it baffles me that he never considered my feelings or felt like it might bother me for him to do such a thing.

Anyways, I am wondering from both men and women, do you think I am overreacting by asking for a trial separation? It's not just this alone which had driven me to asking him for us to separate, but other issues that have popped up over the years which I saw as insensitive and just a blatant disregard of my emotions.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your time.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Many married men play golf. Why do the companies hire sexy women to work in the booths? Are they only looking for single unattached men to buy their golf clubs?

Not everything your husband does is about you. He did not do this to make you feel bad. He did it to make himself feel good. Yes you are oversenstive. Men need to be allowed to be men. You can't erase manhood from men by marrying them.

A separation and divorce is your decision. Based on this one thing you describe, I don't see how this should lead to a divorce or separation.


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## BWBill (Jan 30, 2013)

No, married men should not be videoing women's butts and thighs.

My own wife would be rightfully pissed off and my kids would be embarrassed if I posted pictures of me and other women.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Lila said:


> I agree with *BWBill*. Your husband sounds really immature. How old is he?
> 
> Ask you husband how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. For eg. you came across a younger, fitter guy who didn't mind you capturing a video of him. Would your husband be okay with you zooming in to get a close-up look of his package?


Good point.

Clearly, there are other big issues if you two have been separated, it's not just this isolated incident. So you should make it clear to him that you DO NOT like him to take pictures or videos like that, and that it's doing nothing to end your separation. In fact, it's adding to your problems.

What a stupid thing to do and then show your wife while you're separated...sorry!


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Thanks for your input, *BWBill*. It's good to hear this coming straight from a man, and you are the type of guy who respects his wife and knows what boundaries not to cross. Makes me realize I didn't overreact, after all. I wish my husband felt the same way, but oh well, I guess we really are improperly matched for a love relationship because we clearly have different ideas on how to behave in a marriage.

Thank you again for taking the time to post.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Hi *Lila*,

My husband is 37, and yes he is immature and I now realize that he like the Idea of marriage, but doesn't seem to really respect or understand what it's all about. 

Oh yeah, I know he would hate it if I did such a thing to him, because he has gotten jealous over much simpler things. he doesn't even like it if a guy talks to me in a friendly way - such as at the checkout counter at the grocery store.

He actually confessed to me recently that he once found a photo on my computer of one of my old male friends, who happened to be shirtless in the picture. I was no longer in contact with this guy at that point, but my husband told me that when he saw that photo it made him feel: "unloved, unwanted, and completely S***ty."

Which I found very interesting, considering it was an OLD photo, not even a video, and so I could only imagine if I did the same thing to him as he did to me. He most definitely would not be okay with it, Lila, and this makes me realize that he knows what is inconsiderate behavior.

Anyways, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I was starting to wonder if perhaps I was reacting, because he has tried to blow it off as nothing, but now I am realizing I was completely right to feel this way.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Good point.
> 
> Clearly, there are other big issues if you two have been separated, it's not just this isolated incident. So you should make it clear to him that you DO NOT like him to take pictures or videos like that, and that it's doing nothing to end your separation. In fact, it's adding to your problems.
> 
> What a stupid thing to do and then show your wife while you're separated...sorry!


Yes, there are other issues, *Orange Pekoe*, and they have been popping up over the years. It seems like after all this time I would get more respect, but sadly, no. Yeah, I made it clear to him that he was in the wrong and that it was too much, considering I am his wife. And you're right, it only adds to the other problems that were already there, so it certainly didn't help his case in wanting to get back together. He's tried (and succeeded) to make me jealous so many times over the years and I have frankly grown tired of it.

It was indeed a very stupid thing to do! And exactly, why would he do such a thing when we are separated and he supposedly wants to work things out?? :scratchhead: I guess this is just one more sign we are not suited for one another. The writing is on the wall and I need to take heed. Thanks for your sympathy and I appreciate you taking the time to leave a response.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Many married men play golf. Why do the companies hire sexy women to work in the booths? Are they only looking for single unattached men to buy their golf clubs?
> 
> Not everything your husband does is about you. He did not do this to make you feel bad. He did it to make himself feel good. Yes you are oversenstive. Men need to be allowed to be men. You can't erase manhood from men by marrying them.
> 
> A separation and divorce is your decision. Based on this one thing you describe, I don't see how this should lead to a divorce or separation.


Oh, I know I can't erase his manhood. I would never want to do such a thing. I just don't think he needed to take it a step further by actually making a video of the girl, rather than just be content with taking a picture. I understand that everyone looks at attractive people, and I certainly don't expect him to not notice any pretty girls, but taking such a video was to me crossing the line.

Anyhow, I know it's my decision to make and I do appreciate the response, as that's what I asked for. Thank you for taking the time to leave your opinion.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Youre welcome. I"m sure you have a laundry list of reasons why you want a divorce or whatever. But I keep going back to a few things:

1. He did not do this to you. He did nothing "to" you.
2. Most married men will only admit to what Bill wrote. However, the booths at these things always have young hot girl models. Companies would not pay them of all married, monogamous men did not engage with these girls. It wouldn't be worth it. Thus, what people say and what people do are not the same.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If he is allowed to act like a man, then she is allowed to dress sexily and let other men take pictures of her. Women want to be sexy, and her husband should have no issue with it either. Or she can go around a beach and start recording videos of hot men to get her going , because her husband is not as hot, nor has the equipment of other men.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Youre welcome. I"m sure you have a laundry list of reasons why you want a divorce or whatever. But I keep going back to a few things:
> 
> 1. He did not do this to you. He did nothing "to" you.
> 2. Most married men will only admit to what Bill wrote. However, the booths at these things always have young hot girl models. Companies would not pay them of all married, monogamous men did not engage with these girls. It wouldn't be worth it. Thus, what people say and what people do are not the same.


I hink most men would certainly check the women out and say, "damn she is hot". That is normal. Poseing for pictures and doing a video is something you do when you are trying to either 1) make you spouse jealous or 2) trying to get in the girls pants. I would say it was making OP jealous since he found a way for her to see them. That is him saying "see how many women want me? You better get in line or I will move onto bigger and better things." It's his way of exerting control and power in the relationship.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lotus05 said:


> My husband and I have been recently separated, but *he wants *to work things out so he came to visit me this month. En route to visit me, he stopped off at a golfing convention, and while there, took pictures with a few of the booth girls - these are models who are hired to entice men to certain booths so that they can sell more products.
> 
> Well, although I wasn't thrilled by the photos that he took, I understand that it is just a photo and basically harmless fun. What bothered me is that he took a video of one of these girls. While taking this video of her, my husband focused the camera on her butt and thighs. She was wearing a short skirt and imitating a golf swing, which basically just means shimmying her hips back and forth so that her butt had this side to side motion going.
> 
> ...


He SAYS a lot of things, but his ACTIONS tell you otherwise, don't they?


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> If he is allowed to act like a man, then she is allowed to dress sexily and let other men take pictures of her. Women want to be sexy, and her husband should have no issue with it either. Or she can go around a beach and start recording videos of hot men to get her going , because her husband is not as hot, nor has the equipment of other men.


Thank you!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What kind of man would go to reconcile with his wife and then show her pictures of sexy women? Or a video ? What an idiot, what did he think your reaction would be? I am just astonished at his stupidity!

And if he thinks those things are OK just imagine what he doesn't share with you. Wow, talk about no common sense or boundaries your husband is a piece of work, and by that I mean a poor piece of work!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Cooper said:


> What kind of man would go to reconcile with his wife and then show her pictures of sexy women? Or a video ? What an idiot, what did he think your reaction would be? I am just astonished at his stupidity!
> 
> And if he thinks those things are OK just imagine what he doesn't share with you. Wow, talk about no common sense or boundaries your husband is a piece of work, and by that I mean a poor piece of work!


Sounds to me like he's trying to make her jealous, so that she'll want him back.

He doesn't realize that it's making her very upset and she's double, tripping, quadruple-guessing whether she wants him back!


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

I'm curious as to why you two are separated. Please tell us because context is important. 

Without context it does sound like your husband is acting like a teenage boy and then telling you about it. Strange behavior. My work has me around attractive women all the time. Not once have I had the urge to have my picture taken with any of them. So, on that point I'd say your concern while trying to reconcile is warranted.

The issue with your barechested friend I find interesting. I don't have any bikini or otherwise sexy pictures of any female friends. And I'm pretty certain my wife wouldn't appreciate my possession of that sort of pic. Throw in the tidbit that you kept the pic and your husband may have some reason to not appreciate your actions.

Maybe you both have some work to do on honoring each other.

~ Passio


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Did you set any formal rules for the separation? From your description, it sounds like a dating free, marriage rules apply.

Overall I think you are overreacting but he is not very bright for doing anything that even MIGHT set you off.

Then again what do I know? Ill be divorced soon. Just seems the way I said it.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I read the initial post, but not all of the comments.

For starters, it's very common for conventions like this to higher attractive women to work their booths for exactly the reason you mention. They aren't there just for the single unattached guys either, and I don't think there is anything wrong with a married man attending such a convention or visiting the booths, conversing completely cordially if approached by one of those women, etc. Even a photo with one or two (which I have seen the women at these events push for, because they want him to remember that moment and thus, the product/service being promoted there) isn't a big deal in my mind, though I personally wouldn't do it and would suggest that other married men not do so either. I just don't see that as a huge crossing of "the line."

The video on the other hand, yeah, as a married man (I'm 31, married 12 years now) I would definitely recognize right off the bat that this is not acceptable. There is really no purpose of such a video, aside from maybe being able to ogle her some more later on in private. It's certainly disrespectful to you, and you know he knows it because of his answer about why he wasn't posting it on FB. 

Further, his excuse for taking the video is complete and utter nonsense. Again, it's very possible that the girl did urge him and others on to take video and/or pictures. But suggesting that he was powerless to say no, or that he was somehow compelled to do as she suggested, is ridiculous. I'm not going to say it was intentional or that he doesn't care about you or respect you, but at the very least he needs to understand how disrespectful this is, because he honestly might not know that.

You might ask him how he would feel if you went someplace where big hunky men approached you, touched you, wanted you to take pictures of you with them while they wrapped their arms around you closely. Or what if you recorded a video of just them posing for you, flexing for you, etc. Ask him if any of that would bother him, and if he would buy his excuses.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I forgot that you said you have been or are separated.

That might change things a bit. I think others here have asked, but did you both have any rules set up for the separation? Like were you permitting each other to see other people? Were you in marriage counseling during the separation? Were there no rules at all?

I ask because if there are no rules, or the rules allow for seeing other people, then my opinion of him having photos/videos like this might be different. I still don't think he should have been taking these photos/video, but I also don't think I could blame him or hold him responsible for it if there hasn't been a mutual agreement for what is and is not acceptable regarding other people.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> If he is allowed to act like a man, then she is allowed to dress sexily and let other men take pictures of her. Women want to be sexy, and her husband should have no issue with it either. Or she can go around a beach and start recording videos of hot men to get her going , because her husband is not as hot, nor has the equipment of other men.


Exactly, Mr. Fisty! That would only be fair, considering that it's what he himself did. But of course if I did, I would be accused of hurting his feelings and causing him pain. He has double standards, I tell ya.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> I forgot that you said you have been or are separated.
> 
> That might change things a bit. I think others here have asked, but did you both have any rules set up for the separation? Like were you permitting each other to see other people? Were you in marriage counseling during the separation? Were there no rules at all?
> 
> I ask because if there are no rules, or the rules allow for seeing other people, then my opinion of him having photos/videos like this might be different. I still don't think he should have been taking these photos/video, but I also don't think I could blame him or hold him responsible for it if there hasn't been a mutual agreement for what is and is not acceptable regarding other people.


Hi cdbaker,

No, we did not set up any rules or length of time for the separation yet, but one thing he told me has stuck out in my mind. I asked him "If we were not separated and everything was normal with us living together as husband and wife, would you still have taken the video?

His answer was "Yes."

Now before he said that, I did think about how we are separated, and that technically we were not actually together anymore, but once he admitted that he would Still have engaged in the same behavior even if we had not been separated, that said a LOT. So that's what made me realize it was just a blatant disregard of my feelings and a lack of respect.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> I read the initial post, but not all of the comments.
> 
> For starters, it's very common for conventions like this to higher attractive women to work their booths for exactly the reason you mention. They aren't there just for the single unattached guys either, and I don't think there is anything wrong with a married man attending such a convention or visiting the booths, conversing completely cordially if approached by one of those women, etc. Even a photo with one or two (which I have seen the women at these events push for, because they want him to remember that moment and thus, the product/service being promoted there) isn't a big deal in my mind, though I personally wouldn't do it and would suggest that other married men not do so either. I just don't see that as a huge crossing of "the line."
> 
> ...


Yeah, I do agree that taking a photo isn't exactly crossing the line, but as you said the video was probably taken so he could later check her out whenever he wanted on his phone. That did cross my mind, so by you saying that, it only confirms what i though. I mean, that just seems like what a guy would do if he were to take that type of photo.

Yes, his excuse was utterly lame, and I saw it as just that. An excuse. As far as him understanding how disrespectful it was, I have tried to explain it to him, but he seems to prefer brushing it off and and acting as if it wasn't a big deal. But now that I am hearing from other married men that they would never do such a thing to their own wives, it gives me assurance that I am Not overreacting or being overly sensitive, as he feels that I am.

You're right, if I were to do the same thing with a hot looking guy, he would absolutely hate it! Which is why I can't understand him doing that. My thing is, treat others as you would want to be treated, but that seems to mean nothing to him. Anyhow, thank you very much for the feedback. I knew there were married men out there who treated their wives with respect and understood the meaning of boundaries. I guess I just happened to marry one who has little control over himself.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Idyit said:


> I'm curious as to why you two are separated. Please tell us because context is important.
> 
> Without context it does sound like your husband is acting like a teenage boy and then telling you about it. Strange behavior. My work has me around attractive women all the time. Not once have I had the urge to have my picture taken with any of them. So, on that point I'd say your concern while trying to reconcile is warranted.
> 
> ...


The reason why we are separated is that we currently live apart for many months out of the year, and as a result, our paths have begun diverting. We don't really share the same dreams or goals in life. He lives overseas for part of the year because he has a business there and is well established, so it isn't so easy for him to pick up and move to America. I understand this, but it's been like this for the majority of the years we have been together.

I do go over there to visit as often as I can for months at a time, and I even quit my job to live there for 2 years before returning to the states so that I could return to college. He isn't too keen on living here in America, however. When we first married, we had plans for him to come here and live, but then things began to start taking off with his business and now he no longer wants to move. He's put in a lot of time and work to build up his business, so I certainly don't blame him for not wanting to give it all up. He has admitted his concern over our growing apart as well, but he has told me he's interested in making things work, which was the reason for him coming here to spend time with me in the first place.

Well, the thing with the photo of my male friend is, it was an Old picture, and I feel like the only way that would be truly comparable to what he did, is if I myself had taken that photo while we were married (which I didn't), or even posed with him in that picture while married to my husband. The photo had been in my computer for years, and I had actually forgotten all about it. So it wasn't like I kept it to look at for fantasy material while married to my husband. It was in some random folder and I honestly hadn't looked at it for a very long time.

I do understand that it hurt him, though. And I even apologized for it, because he was pretty upset about it.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> Sounds to me like he's trying to make her jealous, so that she'll want him back.
> 
> He doesn't realize that it's making her very upset and she's double, tripping, quadruple-guessing whether she wants him back!


Yeah, that's pretty much what I have come to figure out as well. But he has also done little things to try and make me jealous over the years. Nothing to this extent, however, which is why it bothered me so.

You're right about my seriously thinking over whether or not I want to continue the marriage. I mean there are good things about him, so he's not a bad guy overall. But this disrespect and disregard for my emotions is not something that meshes with my spirit. I have definitely been doing some serious thinking, and while I was initially interested in working things out and making some compromises, I can now say I no longer feel as if it may be the best idea.


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

Cooper said:


> What kind of man would go to reconcile with his wife and then show her pictures of sexy women? Or a video ? What an idiot, what did he think your reaction would be? I am just astonished at his stupidity!
> 
> And if he thinks those things are OK just imagine what he doesn't share with you. Wow, talk about no common sense or boundaries your husband is a piece of work, and by that I mean a poor piece of work!


Yeah, I don't get it either. I mean, why not just keep it to himself? It's beyond me how he would think I would be okay with it and not bothered in the least. I do have to say, however, that although it hurt to see that video, I am now glad he showed it to me because it tells me he really doesn't respect our marriage, and I can now save myself any further pain by continuing on. Just as you said, if he thought that was okay and he showed it to me, I can only imagine what the stuff that he *doesn't* show me is like. Yeah, that kinda makes me wonder.....


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## lotus05 (Feb 5, 2015)

turnera said:


> He SAYS a lot of things, but his ACTIONS tell you otherwise, don't they?


Exactly. Actions speak louder than words. This is just what has been going through my head lately! Words are all fine and good, but unless the behavior changes, words are meaningless.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

lotus05 said:


> Hi cdbaker,
> 
> No, we did not set up any rules or length of time for the separation yet, but one thing he told me has stuck out in my mind. I asked him "If we were not separated and everything was normal with us living together as husband and wife, would you still have taken the video?
> 
> ...


A few additional thoughts...

First, him saying "Yes." to your question doesn't mean anything to me and it really shouldn't to you either. Why? Because if he said "no", then that would mean he is admitting that it's not the kind of thing a married man should do. If he says yes, then he is still standing behind his original defense, which is that there is nothing wrong with it. 

I want to add too that while yes, most of us here agree that shooting that video is inappropriate for a married man, I can also see how a lot of guys might not think it is inappropriate or might not understand why it is. For instance, I used to use porn habitually, and the reality is that most men use porn. Statistics show that there isn't much of a difference in porn use by married men vs. unmarried men. Most men don't see a problem with it. In a lot of ways, I could see them seeing this situation similarly. The defense of, "It's just a video/picture. I didn't touch her, I didn't/don't have any plans to touch her, I'm not in contact with her or plan to contact her, and I certainly don't love you any less. It's harmless."

Obviously, I disagree with all of that, bug again, MOST men feel that porn is harmless. You might not even have an issue with porn, but I do still think this is at least a little different in that he did "meet" this woman and actively video recorded her, vs. just clicking a random link of an unnamed bimbo actress.

So I'm not sure if even I understand fully what I'm trying to say here, but I think on some level I am defending him just a bit on the notion that I think maybe a crime isn't as bad/heinous if you didn't realize you were committing a crime at the time? So you might feel like he doesn't respect you because he did this, but in truth he very well may just not have understood that this is disrespectful of you at all. Does that make it less hurtful? That's for you to consider of course.


Even so, his excuse is still ridiculous. He probably just made that up on the fly when he realized that you were upset.


One more thing as far as why he may have shown you the photo's/video in the first place... it's very possible that it was some ill-conceived attempt to make you slightly jealous/nervous. If so, it's certainly a juvenile move, but I bet all of us have done that to our significant others at one time or another.


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