# Does the cheaters core personality matter



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

My wife cheated, swears she didn't go out looking for it, says it is over but still has feelings. I can mostly confirm NC with OM. She was the shy type you would have never expected to. She also is the quiet type likes to avoid conflict. Now I wonder after reading all these posts ebooks and other books if a persons core personality really should be considered when you gauge your reactions to everything in order to get a response. EXample: The sure way for her not to talk to me about anything for a longer period of time would be for me to continue acting mad, confronting, yelling. If i behave like her friend again we can communicate and we have kids. So how do you balance this. Is it Like peeling an onion? 1 layer at a time to finally have full disclosure and discussion???? The look in her eyes now is not anger or sadness what I saw today was that look a lost child gets. She keeps letting me a little bit closer. This is a very strange place to be in life. I don't like this place.
How do I continue to handle this?
Quasi seperation starting now with schedules putting us apart.


So I guess the question is what to do? Do I just see where my tolerance leads me? Stay backed off ?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

disbelief said:


> My wife cheated, swears she didn't go out looking for it, says it is over but still has feelings. I can mostly confirm NC with OM. She was the shy type you would have never expected to. She also is the quiet type likes to avoid conflict. Now I wonder after reading all these posts ebooks and other books if a persons core personality really should be considered when you gauge your reactions to everything in order to get a response. EXample: The sure way for her not to talk to me about anything for a longer period of time would be for me to continue acting mad, confronting, yelling. If i behave like her friend again we can communicate and we have kids. So how do you balance this. Is it Like peeling an onion? 1 layer at a time to finally have full disclosure and discussion???? The look in her eyes now is not anger or sadness what I saw today was that look a lost child gets. She keeps letting me a little bit closer. This is a very strange place to be in life. I don't like this place.
> How do I continue to handle this?
> Quasi seperation starting now with schedules putting us apart.
> 
> ...


I had the lost child look from my wife. She’d been in an EA with a supposed mate of mine. She denied the flirting, secrecy and everything else that went with it. The lost child look came after she knew the EA was over. I found the lost child in her immensely difficult to deal with. It’s almost like you’re forced into being a parent of an adult. It is a very strange feeling.

Of course the cheater’s core personality matters. Of course it does. They will respond and behave in ways that maintain their core values and beliefs, we all do. We can’t do anything about another person’s core values and beliefs, other than to understand them and accept them. Both understanding and acceptance can be very difficult but they are important. We know another person through their core values and beliefs, as we known ourselves through those things.

If we try changing another’s core values and beliefs then we are trying to change who they are and that’s a very slippery road. It’s far better just to take time to understand and accept them. For example you now know your wife is capable of being unfaithful to you and deceiving you. It’s very difficult to accept that, but she’s proven she’s capable of it. You thought you knew your wife, now you know different and she is a different person in your eyes.

You’re gauging your reactions which is really good. Work on your boundaries and define what you want to do with yourself, your wife, your kids and your life. Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html and define your N.U.T.s.

While the onion skins are coming off and you find it really painful here’s what you can do with a boundary “I will never get mad at my wife for being honest with me no matter how much it hurts me”. It is so difficult not to get mad so you could ask your wife to write things down when the time is right for her and then take yourself off out and read what she has written. And then only go back home when your anger has subsided.

Bob


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Thank you for that point of view, it is helpful I will check out the book as well. I was also thinking along the lines of in order to make any progress no matter the outcome I know her and have since before our time as a couple. I see her core personality traits actually being part of the problem in recovery. Despite what happens despite her growth over the years as a person she still can be quiet and shy. U This whole situation will without doubt effect permanent change. Writing, she used to write me good idea. Thank you.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

From what you said the problems are more about lacking of communication than core personality. You said she also is the quiet type likes to avoid conflict.
Why? It's enough few times, she saw you become very aggressive to her when she tried to talk, you made her zip her mouth once for all to avoid conflicts with you.
EA isn't a PA. The core personality would be concerned when she's a constant PA cheater. Obviously in your case, she's not betrayed you, having sex with others. but you already questioned her core values. Why not also questioned yourself the possibilities of failing to response to her needs?
Many people don't define EA as cheating when many people would as many people would feel shamed why their wives would search other men for validations and blamed themselves being a negative husband to his wife. 
When your wife can't turn to you because of your negative response, but when you appeared more friendly & positive, she found it easier to talk with you. As a result, she turned to other men for validations when you're being a jerk, yelling madly. It's impossible to communicate with a angry & hysterical man.
In this case, not only her but also you're responsible for this marriage problem.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Btw. She doesn't yell to you back to avoid conflicts that shows me, in many ways she's a better person than you. She's a polite & wonderful woman. 
When she doesn't yell madly as you do, doesn't mean she's shy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

My W is of the same type of personality. I believe her type will fall for the sure thing, someone who wouldn't have a chance in real life to be with them, someone of much lower status in life. In my case was a low level employee (almost like a servant) of her father's. What do you know about the OM?

M.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Wow MS Lonely, you do not have it right I have taken responsibility for what may have contributed to her seeking an affair however, I NEVER have been very aggressive with my wife. Hard to know there is a problem or something lacking when all communication indicates nothing of the sort and now she reveals that slight nice hints for things were saying our marriage was dying. Our biggest conflict verbally came with this reveal of her EA turned PA before that all disagreements were discussed and I thought resolved. And no I was not the one getting my way I have done nothing but Love care and support my wife in all her endeavours all the years of our marriage. I am trying to figure out how her personality will affect her healing emotionally. This is a woman who is only talking to a councilor unless she has found a new friend.
Moeman- I know everything of the OM his was the dominant personality he admitted to making the first phone call that started the conversations that led to all this. I can't really say that status plays a role here. Both middle class type same age range.


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