# Advice on how to sexually detach ?



## CoalLump (Jul 7, 2015)

Hello, any advice on how to detach sexually from my wife so that I do not crave sex with her and so do not "trigger" (happens sometimes, not always) these bad feelings/depression I get ?

I am after any mental techniques, a book or anything. I know there are pills to remove libido but I do not want to medicate unless I have to. I just want to become "roommates" with her so do not suffer like this. 

Some background
- My wife is LD (42) and I am higher D (37). We both work full time. 
- She used to be good years ago, but now just "dials it in" (think starfish). If I do not initiate, nothing happens. Months go by it doesnt hit her radar. This is making me feel depressed (?) and very bad (hard to describe this clawing feeling inside me) sometimes when I am around her.
- Tried 180 for the last 3 months - she doesnt notice.
- I had "the talk" with her, but as many found I get some contrition and she initiates a few times but then reverts.
- Yes I wash the dishes etc, no I have not gained weight (I actually lost some) etc
- No counseling as finances are tight and she has refused to go (she does eyeroll etc). May try to push more but at this point I dunno if its worth it as she does not seem to care ?
- No kids but due to finances, divorce is not viable at this point in time. Maybe in a year or 2 when finances are better I can do this - hence my need for advice to detach and keep myself functional for the next 2 years.

Any practical advice appreciated - I have never felt this bad (or imagine it could get this bad over some sex !).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Avoid anything dealing with sex. Avoid romantic movies, and certainly anything erotic or pornographic. 

You can get in the habit of not looking at your wife, certainly not at her body - just keep your gaze slightly to the right or left of her. If you do need to look at her, concentrate on her flaws. The wrinkles, the age. Take off the rose colored glasses of love, and realize that she is a middle aged woman and not really all that desirable. 

Limit how much you touch her - make your kisses perfunctory - affectionate, but non sexual. Think of her as a sister who is living with you.

Very important, do not read sites like this. You will hear too many stories from women who's partners are sexually rejecting them and that will drive you crazy with frustration. Go away and never come back here. 

Do not look at couples walking hand in hand, or sitting next to each other on a bench. Romance is a trigger for sexual feelings.

There will be triggers - affectionate couples, romantic stories you can't avoid. Each will feel like a dagger to the heart, but you can control and deaden your emotions. Just remember that your marriage is about duty and practicality, not about love. Have pride in your ability to suppress lesser human emotions. 

You can do it and it will get easier with time. Eventually your wife will just be another person - there will be no stirring of any emotions at all.


But - let me say that during my life I have been poor an wealthy. I have been in a happy affectionate relationship and a cold distant one. Personally I would take abject poverty with someone who loved me over limitless wealth with someone who did not. Don't let her fool you, if she love you, she would not expect you do to this to yourself. Maybe show her my list (made from experience as you might assume) and see if that is really what she wants of you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

OMG this is so sad. My heart breaks for both of you.

Richard, I know you love your wife, but this is no way to live.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

AP--It is sad, but I actually did employ some of those techniques Richard mentions for a while. I couldn't stand watching TV anymore because a sex scene would come on and i'd feel like putting my head through a window in frustration. During this time my wife discovered True Blood on HBO and there was sex on the TV constantly--it was hell. I couldn't watch porn. I couldn't watch certain sitcoms.

One day I went to Party City to pick up Halloween costumes for my girls. The young lady helping me paused to say goodbye to a male coworker and they made eyes at each other. It felt like a punch in the gut.

If all efforts to communicate and improve the situation fail, sometimes avoidance is your only option, barring divorce.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy, I don't know how you managed to stay. 

We need to do a better job preparing our kids for adulthood. I would never want my daughters to be a part of a sexless marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

CoalLump said:


> ...I am after any mental techniques, a book or anything.
> 
> ....I just want to become "roommates" with her so do not suffer like this.
> 
> ...


I am going to take you at your word. First I would read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy. 

Then I would suggest you work out at a gym or if you can't afford that take up a running in your neighbohood or at a park/school nearby. The reason I would work out is two-fold. Hard exercise is good for treating depression and you have a lot to be down about in this situation. Secondly, you are fairly young (from my 66-year-old perspective). Work on getting a hard body for your next girlfriend when your finances improve in 2 years. After you start getting a hard body, then start dressing in different and more flatering clothing that fit your body. Nothing extreme, but start taking care of yourself. Clothes don't need to be expensive, to be flattering, if you show around at discount places like Nordstrom Rack, Ross, Marshals, etc. 

You can flirt, but don't screw around with other women until you get divorced.

Who knows, maybe if you do detach she will sense it and once she sees you changing and other women noticing you, she may decide she wants you after all. Don't do this as a covert contract (i.e. what a Nice Guy would do) do it for you and your next girlfriend. If your next girlfriend turns out to accidently be your wife than great, otherwise, you are setting a course for your future happiness.

Good luck


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Young at Heart said:


> I am going to take you at your word. First I would read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> Then I would suggest you work out at a gym or if you can't afford that take up a running in your neighbohood or at a park/school nearby. The reason I would work out is two-fold. Hard exercise is good for treating depression and you have a lot to be down about in this situation. Secondly, you are fairly young (from my 66-year-old perspective). Work on getting a hard body for your next girlfriend when your finances improve in 2 years. After you start getting a hard body, then start dressing in different and more flatering clothing that fit your body. Nothing extreme, but start taking care of yourself. Clothes don't need to be expensive, to be flattering, if you show around at discount places like Nordstrom Rack, Ross, Marshals, etc.
> 
> ...


Pretty good advice, but I'd avoid the flirting. You're setting yourself up for an affair.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening 
It was like that for many years. For the last few years it has been really a lot better. I was about to ask for a divorce but she agreed to and has made a huge effort to make things better. 

They are OK now. Still not great - we are still so far apart, and there are good and bad months, but much better than it was.

I don't quite know the right words - my wife "enjoys" sex, but doesn't see it as "fun". She will do some things to please me, but it lacks passion and spontaneity. Just last night we were watching the wedding episode of out lander (basically a 1 hour romantic sex scene). I was thinking how fun it would have been if she had gotten all hot and bothered and asked me to take care of her right then and there on the sofa. But no. We'll have sex some evening when we can schedule the time, chores are finished etc. It will be very nice - but some day I'd like to be irresistible....

Getting back to this thread - in my mind things like BJs are associated with a real enjoyment and spontaneity of sex. Something a woman can just do - as a surprise treat for her partner. 




Anon Pink said:


> OMG this is so sad. My heart breaks for both of you.
> 
> Richard, I know you love your wife, but this is no way to live.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In the last couple of years with my ex, I sexually and emotionally detached from her in preparation for divorce. She had some health issues and I agreed to stay while those were dealt with. It helped to see her more as a patient with a mental illness than as a friend or spouse - and by then she wasn't either, much less a love interest.

I also focused on many hobbies and interests, spent as much time as I could with friends, and got into fabulous shape through hiking, biking, jogging, and weights. I took short classes in a variety of topics ranging from African drumming to meditation and self-hypnosis. Meditation probably helped the most when everything seemed overwhelming or hopeless, and I would do it while sitting or walking or hiking - I could even do full awareness meditation while driving.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I am going to take you at your word. First I would read Glover's book No More Mr. Nice Guy.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Daily, hard exercise (read fatigue) can reduce your libido in the short term. However, if you are conditioned, it will overall give you more energy. A byproduct of becoming lean and exercising hard is that you may see spikes in your testosterone and invariably in your sex drive as well. I lost about 35% of my total weight and my sex drive has been off the charts ever since. 

That said, I agree with young at heart. It will positively affect your health, self esteem, and outlook about life post D if that is indeed the eventual outcome. 

It's a shame you have made the decision to live in this state for the next two years due to finances. Sounds miserable. I can unfortunately relate to that gnawing feeling and depression. However, I do not want to suppress that side of me. I want to work it out with my W or move on. Money be damned.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Richard is spot on for the most part.

I would just add; a completely different mindset. You are a bachelor. That means you take care of yourself.

It's not all horrible by the way. A bachelors life is not that bad. A life without sex (except with yourself) is not that bad.

there are a lot of pluses to being a bachelor. think positive.

I know easy to say, but i can speak from experience, having been a bachelor (and no sex) for years and also in a sexless marriage for 3 years.

believe it or not, i was happy. i found contentment.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Another guy at work is my age and is a bachelor. Not dating AFAIK. Two pricy dogs, every pilot license and endorsement ever issued, the works. He was married once but divorced and never looked back. He's having a BLAST. He looks 40, is quite good looking actually (unless Grecian Formula has a blond version his hair is all blond), and so on. 

Yet another guy at work, my BFF guy, is 45 and after being dumped from a 15 year relationship is following the above guy's advice. He races cars for a hobby and is a walking encyclopedia of baseball. Two cats.

I work with both guys daily. They're normal and fun people.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Sexual compatibility is such an important concept, and I had absolutely no idea about it when I got married. I just assumed that people were all pretty much the same and that if we loved each other it would all work out.



Anon Pink said:


> snip
> We need to do a better job preparing our kids for adulthood. I would never want my daughters to be a part of a sexless marriage.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

A bachelor by default with a room mate wife.

Life can still
l be sweet if you can make the adjustment and forsake sex.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I.m happier now married and having sex and having a sweet wife.

but I was happy before being sexless too. 

If my sexless ex wasnt such a wreck, I may not have left her.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I am curious.

Just how expensive is a divorce?


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## J.deere (Jul 8, 2015)

Why should you change? She has? I'm going thru something slightly different because I get it more but its not satisfying. I'm really thinking divorce if counselor can't fix things . intimacy and sex is a huge part of marriage.


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## JerryB (Feb 13, 2014)

CoalLump said:


> Hello, any advice on how to detach sexually from my wife so that I do not crave sex with her...


A rubberband on your wrist might sound silly, but it really worked for me, when I gave up porn. Just snap it when you want to stop thinking about sex. Works great in movies, walking around the pool/beach/campus due to bikinis/yoga pants, and when wife gets out of shower.
(Nothing more depressing that watching wife get out of shower naked, knowing that none of that is for you...)
It takes about 2 weeks.



> - Tried 180 for the last 3 months - she doesnt notice.


Nope, she's not going to notice in three months, unless she was playing games with you. She's not playing games, this is her life, and she's completely content with it.
Your "180", if she noticed at all, was probably a relief that she could go 3 more months on your finances, without you pestering her.
It turns out that one can not dabble in changing yourself. Just like a diet is dabbling in health.
You need to really WORK on yourself. You need to actually do things you want to do. To find the real you. It's not really a 180, or temporary. The nice thing is, it'll be fun, and you won't keep track of the months.



> - I had "the talk" with her, but as many found I get some contrition and she initiates a few times but then reverts.


Yes, I had a lot of false starts, thought I had success, and then it went back to normal. It's like the diet analogy. It's something she can keep up for a little bit, but she'll revert back to her normal self. It's only after I realized that I didn't need to change her, and I only had to change myself that I had success. Ironically, I'm also the only one I can control. So it's no wonder we have frustration in trying to change other people.



> - No kids but due to finances, divorce is not viable at this point in time. Maybe in a year or 2 when finances are better I can do this - hence my need for advice to detach and keep myself functional for the next 2 years.


Check with work and fill out the paperwork needed for direct deposit. You can split the finances to deposit to 2 places. 
I started a new account in another bank and had as little as $100 per paycheck go there. This will be a great slice of freedom to start building & get you through the next 2 years. However, I don't really understand the financial issue you speak of. If you think you both need a nest egg before splitting successfully, then all you're doing is creating an environment that allows for expensive lawyers to eat it up, plus a nest egg you'll have to split with her. Splitting zero or negative numbers now sounds like a great alternative. However, if there's debt of hers you don't want bankrupting you because she'll be a ***** about it and saddle *you* with it, I'd start having garage sales like it's going out of style. Just purge. Pay off the debts and get out. If she's not on the same page as you for sex, is she on the same page as you with finances? Do you really want the sham of paying for a dinner out with her? Vacations? Anything romantic? Birthday gifts, xmas gifts, in-law gifts, VALENTINE's?? 

I love the other posts in this forum!

I think you really need to accept that it's over. It'll be a huge relief to you, and it will help you solve many of the issues you listed above. Solutions will come to you with this new perspective.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I don't get it. No kids... WHy do you say divorce is too expensive? How much can it cost you?. It is only when you'e financially well off that it gets REALLY expensive.. And if it really is, separate. Find yourself by yourself. Please don't put up with frustration and resentment any longer than absolutely necessary.


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