# Mothers please weigh in



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

My STBXW and I are attempting to have a cooperative divorce in order to minimize legal fees. The norm for custody here is that each parent gets 50% so I'm happy about that.

The issue I am having is a lot of pent up anger regarding our separation and it affects the way I interact with her. She seems to think there was nothing wrong with moving in her boyfriend into our apartment three days after I left for travel back to my home country (I was gone for two months - we had just separated a month prior but were rotating parental time at the old apartment). Her boyfriend was the AP in her affair and the reason we separated. 

Anyhow, I felt it was a terrible choice for a mother to make for our two children (they are three and six years old). As mothers, how do you interpret this action? Does it seem as disrespectful to you ad it does to me? Her reasoning was that she was going to be moving into a new place with AP anyways so what difference did it make.

Any advice on how to handle this emotionally or legally? My eldest has difficulty talking about it but I know she's sad about having this all shoved down her throat.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

It is stupid, and I would be livid. Do not confuse my children like that. They are grieving. Let them grieve with the loss of their family structure, before you make their world explode again.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> My STBXW and I are attempting to have a cooperative divorce in order to minimize legal fees. The norm for custody here is that each parent gets 50% so I'm happy about that.
> 
> The issue I am having is a lot of pent up anger regarding our separation and it affects the way I interact with her. She seems to think there was nothing wrong with moving in her boyfriend into our apartment three days after I left for travel back to my home country (I was gone for two months - we had just separated a month prior but were rotating parental time at the old apartment). Her boyfriend was the AP in her affair and the reason we separated.
> 
> ...


It is self centered and not in the kids best interest.

The harsh truth?

You can't control her.

If she wants to play house, she will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I am livid. And what you told me is exactly what I told her. Didn't phase her - she's of the "children are resilient" denial mentality.

You're right, spun, I can't control her but aren't there laws against this type of behavior? Was she allowed to move him in there?

Should I even continue going down the road of cooperative divorce or is it just hopeless with a woman like this?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I am livid. And what you told me is exactly what I told her. Didn't phase her - she's of the "children are resilient" denial mentality.
> 
> You're right, spun, I can't control her but aren't there laws against this type of behavior? Was she allowed to move him in there?
> 
> Should I even continue going down the road of cooperative divorce or is it just hopeless with a woman like this?


Unless he has a criminal record, there is nothing you can do from a custody hearing standpoint.

For your own sanity, be the best man and father you can be.

Once your ex has left a trail of broken relationships behind her, your kids will get the picture.

They probably already do.

Are you in therapy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

I am a mother of two kids, they were about your kids ages when my x & I separated. 

I had a lot of counseling in that first year & one of the things that really stuck with me is that the counselor said when you have the kids you act as a single parent. Your x is no longer there to support or criticize you. You can't control them and unless they are doing something that you really feel will hurt your children (ie abuse) you have to just let it go. 

This is easier said than done, but we did it by minimizing contact with each other and not asking a lot of questions about the kids time with each other. When couples can separate and be supportive of each others new lives, I think that is ideal for the kids, but in the case where that can not be (my case and sounds like, your case) the 'no-contact' with the x really helps.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

spun said:


> Unless he has a criminal record, there is nothing you can do from a custody hearing standpoint.
> 
> For your own sanity, be the best man and father you can be.
> 
> ...


Hmm, my name is on that lease. Along with hers. I don't see his name on it.

No, I am not in therapy yet. Searching for a good English-speaking therapist I can afford.

I'm thinking my eldest child needs therapy at this point. I can't afford to have both of us in therapy.

I physically confronted OM last week at "their" place and wound up getting violent with him. It was very cathartic but not the type of therapy I need to help me deal with all the pain.


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

Oh well the lease/apartment thing...I would definitely get my name off the lease & consult a lawyer about that one! I hear a lot on these boards to never leave the home. I left the home immediately but I was the one "leaving" the marriage, so to speak, so it was different.

I had my kids off & on in counseling also and it was really good. It let them open up a lot, somehow it was easier for them with a stranger. They didn't talk to my much about the separation but were really able to open up in 'play' therapy about their fear/frustration.

I guess what I'm really saying is what everyone is saying, you can't control your x. You are going to get so frustrated & angry it will stop you from moving on. And it won't get her back. So if you can somehow 'silo' your feelings a bit to focus on yourself & your kids (when you have them) maybe it will help.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

greenfern said:


> I am a mother of two kids, they were about your kids ages when my x & I separated.
> 
> I had a lot of counseling in that first year & one of the things that really stuck with me is that the counselor said when you have the kids you act as a single parent. Your x is no longer there to support or criticize you. You can't control them and unless they are doing something that you really feel will hurt your children (ie abuse) you have to just let it go.
> 
> This is easier said than done, but we did it by minimizing contact with each other and not asking a lot of questions about the kids time with each other. When couples can separate and be supportive of each others new lives, I think that is ideal for the kids, but in the case where that can not be (my case and sounds like, your case) the 'no-contact' with the x really helps.



That's kind of where we are at: it's more 'parallel' than 'cooperative'. It is unfortunate for the kids, because my wife and I have so many unresolved issues that it's hard to set aside time just to talk about the kids. I caught my six year old lying for the first time, and normally that is something I would talk to my wife about even if she was my ex. Or so I thought. Maybe once the divorce is finalized we will be more cooperative but it is tough right now to speak. If she had kept OM out of the picture for a while, things would be smoother.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

Don't follow the two of them down the rabbit hole.

You do understand that confronting posOM is a worthless action.

He is a screwed up as she is.

Moreover, your violent actions towards him just reinforces her decision to be with him.

It shows what a "monster" you are.

Meanwhile posOM rode in on his white horse to save the day.

Waking up is painful, brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenfern (Oct 20, 2012)

staystrong said:


> That's kind of where we are at: it's more 'parallel' than 'cooperative'.


Yes, this is a good way of putting it. I understand a lot of people would criticize this as being not as good for the kids but sometimes (IMHO) you just have to do the best you can. In my case this is all we can do and it allows us both to move on with our lives & be healthier individuals so that is in the end good for the kids.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

Six year olds lie though. It is very developmental for them. They are testing boundaries. I would not automatically say it is because of posOM.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

spun said:


> Don't follow the two of them down the rabbit hole.
> 
> You do understand that confronting posOM is a worthless action.
> 
> ...


He rode in a while ago on white horse. She mounted.

Her marital rewriting and trashing of me started a while ago. Nothing I can do about that. 

Taking care of OM is something I had to do for myself and my pride. I know most won't approve of this action, but it helped me mentally.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

BFGuru said:


> Six year olds lie though. It is very developmental for them. They are testing boundaries. I would not automatically say it is because of posOM.


That's true - they start to test boundaries.

I wasn't saying she started lying because of recent events; I was just saying this is normally something I would want to confer with my STBX about.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> That's true - they start to test boundaries.
> 
> I wasn't saying she started lying because of recent events; I was just saying this is normally something I would want to confer with my STBX about.


Needing to confer with your wife is approval seeking.

It's clingy.

How much of your time would say that you spend focusing on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I'm thinking my eldest child needs therapy at this point. I can't afford to have both of us in therapy.


My thoughts on this is you first. 

If you can get to a point where you can control your emotions around X and posOM, and be a more attentive father (not saying you aren't attentive, but probably distracted - I was), then you will be in a better spot to help your children.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

spun said:


> Needing to confer with your wife is approval seeking.
> 
> It's clingy.
> 
> ...


My intention was more to let her know there's been some changes with the kids, i.e. they are starting to lie. We don't talk about the kids' lives much together anymore unless it's a change or something important.

I spend way too much time focusing on my situation (that includes her) in part because I am fairly isolated where I am living.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

SS,

She does not care how you want to raise the kids or your values.

But, you can be the rock that your kids need without her.

Time to do the 180. Search for it and read up on it here.

Its the only way out.

Once you are right with yourself, you will be indifferent to what she does and says.

I and many others here have been where you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I just want peace, Spun. And I can't find it anywhere. 

I think I need to GAL more than anything else. I would love to have a GF to take my mind off of this.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I just want peace, Spun. And I can't find it anywhere.
> 
> I think I need to GAL more than anything else. I would love to have a GF to take my mind off of this.


You won't find happiness with her or any other woman.

Genuine happiness comes from within.

The 180 is your first step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I just want peace, Spun. And I can't find it anywhere.
> 
> I think I need to GAL more than anything else. I would love to have a GF to take my mind off of this.


What happens when your GF pushes your boundaries?

You're trying to skip the part where you work on you.

That spells disaster.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

The Healing Heart: The 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm pretty sure I need an external boost at this point, spun. Some TLC could really help this lad out.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Conrad said:


> What happens when your GF pushes your boundaries?
> 
> You're trying to skip the part where you work on you.
> 
> That spells disaster.


I'm not even sure what it means anymore to work on one's self. I've been changed by this experience. I can nourish myself but I need a social outlet, and a romantic one to boot. I need to talk to a woman, to have some intimacy again. Otherwise, I'm just going to go nutso (already have). I realize I have flaws but I need some relief from being with myself too much.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

spun said:


> The Healing Heart: The 180
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Outside of attacking OM and arguing over some divorce stuff, it looks like I am following the 180.

There are plenty of emails I wrote but never sent, if you know what I mean.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

staystrong said:


> I'm not even sure what it means anymore to work on one's self. I've been changed by this experience. I can nourish myself but I need a social outlet, and a romantic one to boot. I need to talk to a woman, to have some intimacy again. Otherwise, I'm just going to go nutso (already have). I realize I have flaws but I need some relief from being with myself too much.


A rebound relationship is ok - as long as the woman knows that's what it is, and unlikely to last.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I'm pretty sure I need an external boost at this point, spun. Some TLC could really help this lad out.


It's a long read, but worth it.

I am guessing you will see yourself in spades.

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

spun said:


> It's a long read, but worth it.
> 
> I am guessing you will see yourself in spades.
> 
> ...


Thanks spun. I'll respond to this in my other thread


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