# One sided open marriage turned bad



## BenJohn3232

My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week. 
We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all. 
She said our romance is over. 
I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together. 
Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


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## Noble1

Depends. Do you want a marriage with a "wife" who does not want sex with you (and likely affectionate contact) but still wants you around to do chores and pay the bills?


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## Thor

What do *you* want?


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## NickyT

Your wife is lying to you. Only you can decide if you can accept that.


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## wilson

BenJohn3232 said:


> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


It's hard to understand what kind of love she has for you. It doesn't sound like a matrimonial love. Maybe she loves the stability you bring and she loves your role as a parent, but I don't think you can get the marriage love back.

Your situation is crazy and hard to believe, so it's hard to give advice. In my opinion, the marriage is going to die a slow death. The sooner you get out, the better for all involved. 

Hopefully you two can manage the future with kindness, as this sounds like a crazy situation which got out of hand. Essentially, you told her "Go ahead and try heroin one time", but then oops, she got addicted and is now a drug addict. I think it would be unfair to put on the blame on her for this situation. Both of you are responsible. You didn't know the danger of what you were getting into.


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## username77

If your wife is having sex with another man regularly for 2-3 years, you can guarantee she is emotionally attached to him. What were you thinking?

This doesn't seem like a marriage worth continuing. It's also highly unlikely that your wife actually wants it or loves you anymore.


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## Yeswecan

Your W has been detached for years. The marriage does not appear salvageable from how you describe it.


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## manfromlamancha

Can you explain how you came to accept that she has sex with another man? How was the man chosen? Was it someone you both knew or she knew from work ?

There is a great deal to be determined before advice can be given. It seems like sex with you was not doing it for her ? Why ? Was it OK for you ? Is there something wrong with you?

And as others have said, of course he would replace you in her affections if he was not only regularly having sex with her but in her mind it was mind blowing sex. If she slept with you I am sure she would feel she was cheating on him. 

I would welcome your answers to the above and a bit of an explanation of how things came to be.


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## oldshirt

The who's, what's, when's, whys and how oftens really don't matter. 


She has laid down her stipulations and parameters of the marriage going forward.

This is a simple equation - is that arrangment acceptable to you?

Yes or no? 

If yes, carry on.

If no, pursue an amicable and fair divorce and then carry on with your own life.


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## Lostinthought61

Ben i am not sure how you can still have the patience to be with someone who damaged your spirit, your marriage and you manhood like she has, and i am not sure why the hell you would still wanted to be married to someone like this...either you have a cuckold fetish or your self-esteem is shot but you do not deserve any of this and she is not worthy of you. but i know you will tell us all about her great qualities but you know deep down inside you need to move on.


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## WilliamM

You can have sex once a week? 

With whom?

How will that woman feel about it?

You love your children without having sex with them. So your wife may be thinking of that sort of arrangement. Does your present wife want you to adopt her? 

Sorry, it’s hard to believe you are serious.

Why bother staying married?

My wife is all kinds of strange, but I get lots of sex. When she had a girlfriend I got to have sex with both of them, so there was always something fun in it for me.

Unless you’re bisexual I can’t see any way anything is going to work out well for you.


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## username77

Lostinthought61 said:


> Ben i am not sure how you can still have the patience to be with someone who damaged your spirit, your marriage and you manhood like she has,


I don't think that's fair to his wife. The OP allowed her to have sex with this guy for years, multiple times a week. His wife caught feelings, and that's partially the OP's fault.



Lostinthought61 said:


> either you have a cuckold fetish...


I think it's clear he has a cuckold fetish. Nothing wrong with that, but in this case it should've stayed a fantasy. They proceeded due to his perceived deficiency and they already likely had a shaky marriage. This was asking for it to be killed.


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## Edmund

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
> His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
> After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week.
> We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
> Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.
> I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
> We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together.
> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?



You are correct that it is a major mistake. It is not a marriage where she hates sex and loves you. It is now a marriage where she loves him and having sex with him. She no longer loves you. Once a woman falls out of love with a man, she never gets it back. Best thing you can do now is file for an amicable divorce and try to coparent your daughters. Separate all of you financial assets as much as possible. Once you have filed, push for her to move out. If you still have feelings for her implement the 180.


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## sokillme

Your post interestingly hits all of the trigger points. 

You don't have a marriage in any traditional sense. So I am not sure why you are trying to save one. You have a platonic friendship with a women who broke up with her married boyfriend. She really isn't that nice a friend as she is using you for financial support even though I am sure she knows it is killing you. Didn't stop her from having sex with others. That ain't going to be a good life my friend. If I were you I would divorce her. But since this seems to be where you want to stay let me ask you this, if you want to have sex and she has given you permission why not go have sex with someone else? You have an open marriage right?

Now this is not me advocating that, I am advocating divorce. I don't think it is cheating though because I don't think you have a marriage, your friend ended that unceremoniously and rather cruelly when she asked for permission to have sex with this guy. I just don't understand why you choose to stay in such a miserable place as you have other options, one of them doesn't even involve breaking up, which doesn't seem to be something you are capable of.

I mean arn't there apps for this now?

Here I am going to give you a truth that you can take with you for the rest of your life. Lots of men get cheated on unfortunately, but passive men seem to almost always get cheated on, almost all of the time.


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## As'laDain

one sided open marriage? as in, you are not "allowed" to step out?

regardless, it doesn't matter. the solution to your problems is the same regardless of what kind of marriage you have. basically, decide what level of effort you want in your marriage and settle for nothing less. if you want a vibrant and active sex life with a wife that is enthusiastic about it, then tell your wife that she will either work with you to achieve that goal, or you will find it without her. if she refuses, then go out and get it on your own, though you may want to divorce first, depending on how your wife responds. but at that point, there isn't much of a marriage there, though i have known some "nesting partners" who made it work... 

but they are kinda special cases...


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## As'laDain

WilliamM said:


> You can have sex once a week?
> 
> With whom?
> 
> How will that woman feel about it?
> 
> You love your children without having sex with them. So your wife may be thinking of that sort of arrangement. Does your present wife want you to adopt her?
> 
> Sorry, it’s hard to believe you are serious.
> 
> Why bother staying married?
> 
> My wife is all kinds of strange, but I get lots of sex. *When she had a girlfriend I got to have sex with both of them, so there was always something fun in it for me.*
> 
> Unless you’re bisexual I can’t see any way anything is going to work out well for you.


the more i read your posts, the more similarities i see between our marriages...


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## Malaise

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago.


Why?


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## Rob_1

You are a cuckold that is finally reaping the fruits of what you sow. What's to complain?


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## naiveonedave

and why don't you have the same hall pass? Why would you agree to something so one sided, especially if you aren't getting any.


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## SoFlaGuy

I don't have a problem with people living thier live's how ever they choose, this isn't a road I would go down, but this was surely doomed for failure once it became a regular thing. She bonded with him and now you are just a security blanket, not a way I would live but it's your decision to make now. She's out of the relationship.


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## As'laDain

Rob_1 said:


> You are a cuckold that is finally reaping the fruits of what you sow. What's to complain?


is this supposed to be helpful?


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## WilliamM

As'laDain said:


> the more i read your posts, the more similarities i see between our marriages...


I had noted you said your wife likes women more than men.

I describe my wife as an ice cream sundae, with four scoops of lesbian, and one scoop of heterosexuality.

We have tried to make one of our threesomes permanent, but the other woman ended up getting jealous of Mary in the end. After that Mary toyed with a polyamorous relationship, but the other guy then blew up. By then Mary had fallen hard for the woman.

After I nursed Mary back to her old happy self, I filed for divorce and said I thought she needed to find a girlfriend with me out of the way. I used to say I never understand Mary, but I accept her. Mary said it just proved I did not accept her. After a while I admitted Mary was right, and I was wrong. I observed when I filed for divorce and moved out she wasn't very upset. One day out of the blue she said that was because she was absolutely certain I wouldn't do it. 

Since then she has been hoping to find another girlfriend who will fall in love with both of us. I tell her it won't happen, but I will accept it if it does. Especially now that we're older than soilent green there's really no chance.

So I can understand weird relationships. Just not weird relationships that don't include a lot of sex for everyone.


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## EllisRedding

Adding to everyone else:

1) Why did you give her a hall pass?
2) How was your sex life prior to the hall pass?
3) What reason did she give you for wanting a hall pass?
4) Would you be granted the same hall pass from her?
5) Why does she want to stay with you and not just go with Mr GoAllNight?
5) What the heck were you thinking?

IDK, spidey senses tingling again...


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## BenJohn3232

It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened. 
OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


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## Rob_1

@ al' adain: Are you a cuckold too? I'm just stating what would normally happen to men that let other men **** their woman, because I don't understand why the OP is so surprised now.


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## WilliamM

So your first post where you reported she said she wasn't going to have sex was an error. The once a week sex is with her?

Now here's my opinion.

She is obviously not in love with you any more. Sex is not a big deal. Love is a big deal. If she loved you she would find a way to enjoy the sex. Because she already knows she will not enjoy the sex she is telling you she does not love you.

She won't say it, and you won't believe it, but that's the way it is.

My opinion continues below!

Remove all support from her. 

No money, no love, no anything. See how long her supposed love for you lasts. She just wants your money.

That's my opinion.


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## Evinrude58

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated itI can't imagine the stupidity of such a thing and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago No, she didn't, most likelyand wants to stay married.No, she wants the benefits of the legal contract financially and what you proved as a father. She hasn't been married to you since she started banging the other man. Plain, simple, hurtful. But true
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She's lying. She may love you. But she does NOT have the kind of romantic love for you that a wife has for a husband. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened. She WAS the nicest, sweetest woman, until she lost ALL respect for you when you asked her to **** another man
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.I don't get why you'd think your wife could enjoy having sex with another man, and still want sex with you.
> I feel like 99% of women will not want sex with a man they're not emotionally attached to, and I believe they mostly are only able to feel significant emotions for one man at a time.


Your situation is hopeless, if you want a marriage where your wife has romantic interest in you. Personally, I'd file for divorce.
But, you clearly don't think the same way as I do.

You could just go bang other women and keep the "marriage". I think she'd be glad for you to get sex elsewhere. If not, she's totally selfish.


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## As'laDain

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. *We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.*


you see, THAT is the part i would divorce over. my advice, do not settle for the crappy sex. she has decided to work against you. as in, she is actively choosing to make the marriage WORSE, while trying to do the bare minimum to say that she was doing her part. DO NOT ACCEPT IT!


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## Malaise

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it.
> 
> *Again, WHY would you do that?*
> 
> 
> 
> It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


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## As'laDain

Rob_1 said:


> @ al' adain: Are you a cuckold too? I'm just stating what would normally happen to men that let other men **** their woman, because I don't understand why the OP is so surprised now.


no, i am not. but what difference does it make? calling him a cuckold and telling him that that is what he gets for being a cuckold is not helpful. im also pretty sure its against forum rules.


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## chillymorn69

Dig down deep and really think hard ...is this the way you want to live the rest of your life?

I'm pretty sure it isn't or you would not be here asking advice.

Start exercising eating right. Start doing some of your old hobbies going out with friends. 

Start righting the purse strings. If she don't work tell her she needs to find a job. If she won't then just pay for the bare minimum. 

See a lawyer start getting your ducks in a row.

Be the best dad you can be.

Protect yourself. Buy a var and keep it with you if shes starts trouble pull it out and say I'm recording you for my protection.

Don't lose your temper ever!

Call the other mans wife tell her their at it again.

The get the **** out of there and file for divorce . She don't love you! One more time SHE DON'T LOVE YOU!


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## sokillme

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


Yeah, see I don't think wanting your wife to have sex with other guys makes you attractive to your wife in the long run. I think most want you to covet them actually, I think it makes them feel safer and stable. Biologically it makes sense as they are the primary caretakers of children, they need men who are strong and who jealously protect them. Maybe it was fun to her maybe for a short while or she did it only for you but obviously it killed her love for you and she gave it to this man she was ****ing. Which is also how lots of women work. First of all if she is losing love and respect for you he is the first guy available and also women tend to bond with guys they are ****ing long term. That again is biological. Also in these kinds of situations the guy is usually a big muscular dude who has lots of desirable sexual traits women like. It just doesn't seem like the best mating strategy.


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## sokillme

Evinrude58 said:


> Your situation is hopeless, if you want a marriage where your wife has romantic interest in you. Personally, I'd file for divorce.
> But, you clearly don't think the same way as I do.
> 
> You could just go bang other women and keep the "marriage". I think she'd be glad for you to get sex elsewhere. If not, she's totally selfish.


I don't think it's hopeless. As soon as he finds another women he is head over heals for and she for him, his wife will want him back. He has turned his marriage to operate at on the bases of levels. Well since she is pretty much thinking primordially, she probably will respond in the bases of ways when another female encroaches on her territory. 

Personally I think the whole thing is a mess and would not want to deal with it, but if he is going to get in the mud he might as well fling it around. Doesn't mean there is a happy ending.


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## sokillme

As'laDain said:


> no, i am not. but what difference does it make? calling him a cuckold and telling him that that is what he gets for being a cuckold is not helpful. im also pretty sure its against forum rules.


Why though, technically he is a cuckold. He wanted to be one. Why would he be upset if you call him one? I mean I get it from the standpoint of calling me a man, as it's just pointing out the obvious and a waste of time, but I don't think it should be insulting to him.


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## As'laDain

sokillme said:


> I don't think it's hopeless. As soon as he finds another women he is head over heals for and she for him, his wife will want him back. He has turned his marriage and the relationship to the bases of levels. Well since she is pretty much thinking primordially, she probably will respond in the bases of ways when another female encroaches on her territory.
> 
> Personally I think the whole thing is a mess and would not want to deal with it, but if he is going to get in the mud he might as well fling it around.


lol, i like this post. 

that said, i still think he should file for divorce. he can always stop it later if his wife decides to work with him.


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## As'laDain

sokillme said:


> Why though, technically he is a cuckold. He wanted to be one. Why would he be upset if you call him one? I mean I get it from the standpoint of calling me a man, as it's just pointing out the obvious, but I don't think it should be insulting to him.


saying "thats what you get for being a cuckold" to a man who is dealing with a resulting marriage issue is about as useful as saying "thats what you get for being a lesbian" to a woman dealing with a crazy wife. 

and about as rude.


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## sokillme

As'laDain said:


> lol, i like this post.
> 
> that said, i still think he should file for divorce. he can always stop it later if his wife decides to work with him.


I agree.


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## sokillme

As'laDain said:


> saying "thats what you get for being a cuckold" to a man who is dealing with a resulting marriage issue is about as useful as saying "thats what you get for being a lesbian" to a woman dealing with a crazy wife.
> 
> and about as rude.


How about, unfortunately this kind of thing may happen when you encourage your wife to have sex with other men, who really want to have sex with them I might add? 

I can't believe I have to say this but lets use this as a teachable moment for others who may read this thread.


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## manfromlamancha

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


Thank you for your honest reply. This clarifies things a bit more. So if I understand this correct you had this sexual fantasy of letting your wife have sex with another man. Correct ?

Did you not want to be present to witness it or were you sufficiently turned on by knowing it happened or did she come back and tell you all about it ? The reason I ask is that if none of the above happened then you would not be in a position to see when things were turning bad. As others have said, I personally could not go for this and the wish would remain in fantasy land, but I am not here to judge that part of it.

And she did not mind it and clearly did not have any fantasy about you with another woman. So this was not swinging - it was some kind of cuckoldry except that you don't seem to have been present when it was going on.

Now you need to know that at the point you allowed it to happen (i.e. it went from being a fantasy in your minds to actually taking place) your wife would have lost a significant amount of respect for you (whether she realises/admits it or not). And that is the fastest way to erode love - loss of respect. Talk about opening Pandora's box!

Now I don't know if the OM was particularly well endowed or very skilled or both (what did she tell you about this part of it), but of course at some stage the sex was going to be fantastic due to the dopamine fueled infatuation she would have developed with somebody who was having sex and therefore bonding with her. In her mind, that would have made the sex fantastic and that, coupled with her growing disrespect and resentment towards you, would have made sex with you intolerable in comparison.

This seems to have been too far gone to repair, but if you are to have any chance of reconciliation and recovering her love/respect, its going to take a long time and realisation by both you and your wife of what really happened here - therapy can help.

She has to have no contact WHATSOEVER with the OM - even a simple message saying hello will set you both back. Next she has to see you stepping up to fight for her and be the man she needs to respect in order to love. You doing what it takes to remove him from her life and be there for her might eventually start to have the desired effect. I say might, because this seems quite far gone with her but I don't think it is completely hopeless. Show her that even though she says she cannot enjoy sex with you, you are going to be there for her. Show her decisiveness, strength of character and most of all - actions (much more important than words). Improve your physique and mental health, be cheerful and positive, and help her get out of the rut she is in. In time she will see that you have become the man she once knew. Also deal with that fetish you had at the start (again, therapy can help).

This is going to be a long tough road and if you do not have the stomach for it then you should separate and divorce. The worst thing you could do is continue as you are in limbo - that would be bad for you both. You cannot blame the OM for opening this Pandora's box.

When she was turning from you to the OM, did you remain passive about it, not see it coming at all, what ? What ever you didn't do then, make sure you do now. And she needs to see it (as to hear about it).

Good luck!


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## Diana7

This is why having sex with someone outside the marriage is a terrible idea and what made it worse was that the man was married.


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## As'laDain

sokillme said:


> How about, unfortunately this kind of thing may happen when you encourage your wife to have sex with other men, who really want to have sex with them I might add?
> 
> I can't believe I have to say this but lets use this as a teachable moment for others who may read this thread.


everyone has heard of the dangers. what they dont hear about is how to recover.


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## username77

BenJohn3232 said:


> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


God that is so horrible and depressing, why would you even accept sex under those circumstances? I would much rather jerk off. Go get yourself some cuckold porn and go to town.


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## Sports Fan

A few harsh realities others here might be reluctant to give you.

1) Its your fault. What did you expect would happen when you willingly allow your spouse to be screwed by someone else?
2) At present she wants you around as a meal ticket ATM Machine. The once a week sex you get is her trade off for the financial security you provide.

You should be kicking her to the kerb ASAP.


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## WilliamM

Yeah, I thought this thread was to help this Original Poster. 

While many of the respondents gave up on the Original Poster before they even began their responses, that doesn't mean the thread needs to be relegated to the scrap heap of the instructional pile. 

I would think it is better at this point to make some attempt to actually attempt to provide some sort of constructive responses. Or at least something instructive which this poster may be able to put to use.

Such as pointing out his rose colored glasses. 

He needs to realize if she says she will allow sex once a week, but she will refuse to enjoy it, she is actually screaming she hates him.

If she loved him she would find a way to enjoy sex with him. I bet she can still enjoy sex with a vibrator. So she loves her vibrator more than she loves her husband.


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## manfromlamancha

WilliamM said:


> Yeah, I thought this thread was to help this Original Poster.
> 
> While many of the respondents gave up on the Original Poster before they even began their responses, that doesn't mean the thread needs to be relegated to the scrap heap of the instructional pile.
> 
> I would think it is better at this point to make some attempt to actually attempt to provide some sort of constructive responses. Or at least something instructive which this poster may be able to put to use.
> 
> Such as pointing out his rose colored glasses.
> 
> He needs to realize if she says she will allow sex once a week, but she will refuse to enjoy it, she is actually screaming she hates him.
> 
> If she loved him she would find a way to enjoy sex with him. I bet she can still enjoy sex with a vibrator. So she loves her vibrator more than she loves her husband.


I agree with this and hope that it is reflected in my last post to him about what he needs to do to recover and how tough its going to be.


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## sokillme

He has put himself in an impossible position, what kind of advice do you want us to give him? I mean we got to be realistic.


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## WilliamM

The only thing I can come up with is to point out he needs to embrace the fact she is not currently in love with him.

I got nothin' after that. But sometimes nothin's better than just telling him he screwed up. I think he realized that already.

Or, she screwed up, and sideways, and down, and that other direction.

I do think we are obliged to tear the rose colored glasses off his face. But the other stuff, naw, not so much. He has to already know it was way dumbass.


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## SoFlaGuy

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it.


Just curious, was this a threesome that went out of control? Or were they supposed to meet on thier own originally and it turned into more?


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## eric1

I helped save probably the worst hotwife relationship ever, love on one end and addiction on the other.

Just know that you need to be prepared to walk to save this. 

How are you confirming that no contact is in place? Have you spoken to his wife recently?


----------



## stro

It sounds like she loved HIM. The conditions she has put on your marriage after having to remove him from her life make it sound like you and her merely have a business partnership with occasional empty sex. That doesn’t sound like love.


----------



## TAMAT

You need to reclaim your W and drive the OM away, even if you divorce or never have a real marriage again in your life the OM needs to be dealt with.

Start by exposing the OM to everyone in his life who matters to him do it all at once and without warnings or threats.

Confront the OM and make it know you will no longer tolerate a third person in your marriage.

Tamat


----------



## Rubix Cubed

WilliamM said:


> The only thing I can come up with is to point out he needs to embrace the fact she is not currently in love with him.


"Embrace the fact she is not currently in love with him." Really?
Talk about trying to polish a turd.


----------



## WilliamM

Rubix Cubed said:


> "Embrace the fact she is not currently in love with him." Really?
> Talk about trying to polish a turd.


And nobody mentioned my screwing around bit for his wife???

I mean, what else can I do with this?

It's HARD to keep UP my end of this conversation!


----------



## Rubix Cubed

WilliamM said:


> I mean, what else can I do with this?
> 
> It's HARD to keep UP my end of this conversation!


That's when you stop talking. :wink2:


----------



## Satya

She lied and deceived you by keeping a relationship going without your knowledge. 

Granted, you opened this can of worms...

And you believe her when she says she loves you? Would a person who loves you, lie to you and carry on an emotionally invested relationship in secret.

If the OM's wife had never found out, you'd still be in the dark.


----------



## GusPolinski

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
> His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
> After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week.
> We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
> Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.
> I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
> We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together.
> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


Dude, here is the only question you should be asking anyone right now:

“Hey Doc, when can I come in to have my testosterone levels checked?”

As a follow-up, maybe ask your wayward wife how much time she needs to pack up her **** and GTFO.


----------



## GusPolinski

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


:lol: :rofl:

Allow me to tear down that last bit of illusion to which you’re so desperately clinging:

She doesn’t love you.


----------



## GusPolinski

Rubix Cubed said:


> "Embrace the fact she is not currently in love with him." Really?
> Talk about trying to polish a turd.


Some people are perfectly content with a really low bar.

As in _on the ground_ low.


----------



## Rhubarb

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it.


Wow! OK, so you're a cuckold. I have to say I don't understand the mentality behind hit. I actually had a guy try to explain it too me once and I just said told him he was wasting his time, there is no way I would ever be happy with letting another guy sleep with my wife. I do understand it's a real thing though. The problem is unless your wife is 100% on-board with polyamory, it sends a message to her that you don't really love her. I don't think you can't fix this. She's probably not polyamorous by nature. I think your only good option is divorce and try to find someone who is truly OK with your fetish. That would probably be best for her too.


----------



## RandomDude

BenJohn3232 said:


> She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, *but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.*


:slap:

If that is not reason enough for you to leave, I don't know what would be.


----------



## [email protected]

GusPolinski called it right. She doesn't love you. If you stay in this marriage, you'll have to deal with about a ton of heartache. I'd love to hear why you would stay in this marriage.


----------



## Jasel

Idk. I'll never understand men who actively try to get their wives to sleep with other men. Sometimes fantasies need to stay just that, a fantasy. It sounds like your marriage is over. Your wife clearly doesn't love you anymore. Learn from this in your next relationship(s): DO NOT GIVE YOUR PARTNER PERMISSION TO SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLE. DO NOT EVEN ENTERTAIN THE IDEA. To me that just sounds like common sense but some men need to actually be told this for some reason.


----------



## EllisRedding

Assuming this is all real ... at this point it doesn't matter what happened in the past. The OP let his W bang another dude (maybe more than one) yet he still is debating whether or not to keep the marriage in tact. That speaks volumes. Really this leaves two options: 1) Stay married, she will bang this guy again, or another of her choosing, continue to have weekly sex with her and risk an STD, maybe get the opportunity to father someone else's child or 2) divorce her, get back some freakin respect for yourself, let her make a life with Mr GoAllNight and then win the lottery to really shove it in her face lol


----------



## Malaise

BenJohn3232 said:


> She said our romance is over.


It was over when you loaned her out.


----------



## Yeswecan

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


Unless you like the camp your in...I would break camp and find better grounds elsewhere to camp.


----------



## manfromlamancha

manfromlamancha said:


> Thank you for your honest reply. This clarifies things a bit more. So if I understand this correct you had this sexual fantasy of letting your wife have sex with another man. Correct ?
> 
> Did you not want to be present to witness it or were you sufficiently turned on by knowing it happened or did she come back and tell you all about it ? The reason I ask is that if none of the above happened then you would not be in a position to see when things were turning bad. As others have said, I personally could not go for this and the wish would remain in fantasy land, but I am not here to judge that part of it.
> 
> And she did not mind it and clearly did not have any fantasy about you with another woman. So this was not swinging - it was some kind of cuckoldry except that you don't seem to have been present when it was going on.
> 
> Now you need to know that at the point you allowed it to happen (i.e. it went from being a fantasy in your minds to actually taking place) your wife would have lost a significant amount of respect for you (whether she realises/admits it or not). And that is the fastest way to erode love - loss of respect. Talk about opening Pandora's box!
> 
> Now I don't know if the OM was particularly well endowed or very skilled or both (what did she tell you about this part of it), but of course at some stage the sex was going to be fantastic due to the dopamine fueled infatuation she would have developed with somebody who was having sex and therefore bonding with her. In her mind, that would have made the sex fantastic and that, coupled with her growing disrespect and resentment towards you, would have made sex with you intolerable in comparison.
> 
> This seems to have been too far gone to repair, but if you are to have any chance of reconciliation and recovering her love/respect, its going to take a long time and realisation by both you and your wife of what really happened here - therapy can help.
> 
> She has to have no contact WHATSOEVER with the OM - even a simple message saying hello will set you both back. Next she has to see you stepping up to fight for her and be the man she needs to respect in order to love. You doing what it takes to remove him from her life and be there for her might eventually start to have the desired effect. I say might, because this seems quite far gone with her but I don't think it is completely hopeless. Show her that even though she says she cannot enjoy sex with you, you are going to be there for her. Show her decisiveness, strength of character and most of all - actions (much more important than words). Improve your physique and mental health, be cheerful and positive, and help her get out of the rut she is in. In time she will see that you have become the man she once knew. Also deal with that fetish you had at the start (again, therapy can help).
> 
> This is going to be a long tough road and if you do not have the stomach for it then you should separate and divorce. The worst thing you could do is continue as you are in limbo - that would be bad for you both. You cannot blame the OM for opening this Pandora's box.
> 
> When she was turning from you to the OM, did you remain passive about it, not see it coming at all, what ? What ever you didn't do then, make sure you do now. And she needs to see it (as to hear about it).
> 
> Good luck!


Ben any response to the above ? I am trying to help you.


----------



## BenJohn3232

I went with her a few times and it was just sex. No 3-some or anything, I was just there. We thought she could go alone and nothing would change. We were both naive. 
It turned into regular sex 1-2 times a week and really our relationship didn’t change. We still had sex, went out, took vacations, etc. She went out with friends on occasion as did I. It was business as usual.
We kind of negelcted each other after a while and I never thought much about it. We just lived life.
Last May his wife found out and made serious threatening calls and messages to my wife. She cried it was over. He ended it. 
She was getting over it, but then he called back after 1-2 months. She told me everything was fine and she just wanted sex from him on occassion. 
I stumbled upon some old messages where they sent some “I love yous” before his wife ever found out. I questioned her and she said it didn’t mean anything. 
Over the past several months she has not seen him as much and contact has been limited. Finally, in early January she ended it and had been pretty upset ever since. 
I am 99.9% confident she has had no contact since then and she has had no time to see him at all. I knew about every meeting they ever had. (I am 100% sure on that) Remember, I started this. 
I just question how she is ao adamant she loves me now, but the intimate feelings are just not there. She does say maybe in time those feelings might come back if we can just “get back to normal.”
She does NOT want a divorce and it is 100% not an option they would ever “get together” for a relationship.
By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.


----------



## Taxman

I am sorry to say that your marriage is now over. You made a terrible decision to allow this to occur for the sake of fantasy and now it is over. Get a divorce. I have never seen an arrangement such as yours work out to everyone's satisfaction. You will grow to resent, and eventually completely dislike your wife. Her fantasy and the aftermath has put the nails on the coffin, and you need to bury the rotting corpse that your marriage has become.

You will fare better after this is in your rearview mirror. If she follows the script, (I have seen this a few times), suddenly, you will be the best lover, her other guy meant nothing, she will want to **** you back into supporting her. I suggest that you separate asap. You are going to hear that her lover left her and now she will have nobody. Sorry, for what she has done to your marriage, and you, she deserves to be alone.


----------



## eric1

You need to speak with his wife. Now.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

This is crazy to even consider staying with this roommate who enjoys all the comforts of being married and none of the hardships or struggles of it because she is getting EVERYTHING she wants.

I'm sure she loved you but no longer does, at least not for the past handful of years. 

Get out now, take care of your kids and show them what a Father is supposed to be like, one that is honest and true. You have played a part in this by allowing it to go on and extending the boundaries to equate to dental floss, which were easily jumped over and never even thought about twice. It sucks to hear but this marriage is not a marriage in any sense other than on paper.

This should have been over years ago but it's not too late to do the right thing for your family. This will be about you again but think of it this way to keep you focused, this is not about you right now, do what is best for your kids and having this toxicity involved even indirectly is not good for them. Whenever you allow third parties into the mix, and mix it with emotion, sex, deceit, etc it increases the chances of bringing in a third party that we will read about in the national newspapers the next day when something goes 'wrong'.


----------



## WilliamM

BenJohn3232 said:


> <snip>
> By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.


That is not relevant.

It doesn't matter at all how great the sex is, it is just sex. 

My wife and I have done some swinging. We've had some great sex. It's just sex. 

I do not believe for a second it was "mind blowing sex" that made your wife fall out of love with you and fall in love with the bull you found for her.

Here's my opinion.

She lost respect for you, and she fell in love with the alpha male you allowed her to have sex with. It could have been mediocre sex. It wouldn't matter. You are beta, he is alpha. 

The fact you think she is spoiled by the quality of the sex shows me you are beta. You should know any man can give a woman outstanding multiple orgasms. Just get into her mind, and it is easy. It is not mechanical. It is emotional.

She does not love you. No matter how you two try to avoid that fact, it is a fact.

End of my opinion. Which is a very good opinion, since it is my opinion.


----------



## BenJohn3232

I understand divorce IS a possibility right now. She begs me to “move forward” and forget the whole thing. 
She reminds me I started this. She cried when I first brought it up and was adamant she did not want that. She was infatuated with me and loved me deeply.
I broke that trust obviously. She did not go behind my back and start seeing someone and am 100% confident she never would have without me pushing her to do it.
We both bit off more than we could chew and didn’t know what we were getting into.

Moving forward is a catch-22. I want some proof besides words that she loves me, but I continue to bring up the past constantly even when we are actually getting alone and it bothers her. It’s a part of our history she wants us both to forget and I always start an argument about it.

We have been to therapy and the therapist said me bringing it up prevents the healing process because it keeps the wounds open. It is just very hard not to ask questions all the time.


----------



## Rubix Cubed

BenJohn3232 said:


> I just question how *she is ao adamant she loves me now*, but the intimate feelings are just not there. She does say maybe in time those feelings might come back if we can just “get back to normal.”
> She does NOT want a divorce and it is 100% not an option they would ever “get together” for a relationship.
> By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.



She loves you like a brother (if there actually IS any love). Are you OK with that?


----------



## MJJEAN

BenJohn3232 said:


> I just question how she is ao adamant she loves me now, but the intimate feelings are just not there. She does say maybe in time those feelings might come back if we can just “get back to normal.”


She's not wrong, but the chances...

Look, she fell in love with him. She was getting amazing sex and she got emotionally attached. Now, it's all over. She's mourning him, their relationship, and missing the sex. You she is not in love with. You she loves like a friend, a person she is deeply attached to because you've been together for so long, but not as a romantic partner. She's hoping she'll get over her OM and be able to feel romantic love for you again. The reality is that it's possible, but unlikely. Most of the time, there's no going back. Once the switch has been flipped, that's it.


----------



## TAM2013

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage.


You don't have a 'good' anything and I really don't know where to begin to help you.


----------



## Evinrude58

Taxman said:


> I am sorry to say that your marriage is now over. You made a terrible decision to allow this to occur for the sake of fantasy and now it is over. Get a divorce. I have never seen an arrangement such as yours work out to everyone's satisfaction. You will grow to resent, and eventually completely dislike your wife. Her fantasy and the aftermath has put the nails on the coffin, and you need to bury the rotting corpse that your marriage has become.
> 
> You will fare better after this is in your rearview mirror. If she follows the script, (I have seen this a few times), suddenly, you will be the best lover, her other guy meant nothing, she will want to **** you back into supporting her. I suggest that you separate asap. You are going to hear that her lover left her and now she will have nobody. Sorry, for what she has done to your marriage, and you, she deserves to be alone.


I agree totally with everything in your post except in red.

If this story is real, the OP PRESSURED her into having sex with this guy. It sounds unbelievable, but that's just because my mind doesn't think like this. But I have heard it can happen. This is TOTALLY not her fault. She was pressured into having sex with a stranger and fell in love with him. She didn't want to do this and told the OP as much. He STILL asked her to do it.

YEs, she did as she was asked, and then got emotionally involved. That's the result of sharing totally intimate things with another person. I honestly don't blame her a bit for what has transpired. Any man that asks his wife to sleep with another man runs this incredibly huge risk. He risked, he came out wanting.

He may have had a great, lifelong marriage to this woman if he'd only not asked this of her. I feel sorry for her. I don't know how I feel about the OP. My emotions are totally screwed up by this story.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree totally with everything in your post except in red.
> 
> If this story is real, the OP PRESSURED her into having sex with this guy. It sounds unbelievable, but that's just because my mind doesn't think like this. But I have heard it can happen. This is TOTALLY not her fault. She was pressured into having sex with a stranger and fell in love with him. She didn't want to do this and told the OP as much. He STILL asked her to do it.
> 
> YEs, she did as she was asked, and then got emotionally involved. That's the result of sharing totally intimate things with another person. I honestly don't blame her a bit for what has transpired. Any man that asks his wife to sleep with another man runs this incredibly huge risk. He risked, he came out wanting.
> 
> He may have had a great, lifelong marriage to this woman if he'd only not asked this of her. I feel sorry for her. I don't know how I feel about the OP. My emotions are totally screwed up by this story.


They were both equally responsible. He suggested it and she did it. Both made stupid decisions. She could easily have said no which many other women would have done, or decided that she didn't want to be with a man who thought this was a good idea.


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> They were both equally responsible. He suggested it and she did it. Both made stupid decisions. She could easily have said no which many other women would have done, or decided that she didn't want to be with a man who thought this was a good idea.


I can't disagree with that. If it's real, it's a really crazy and sad story.


----------



## manwithnoname

Diana7 said:


> They were both equally responsible. He suggested it and she did it. Both made stupid decisions. She could easily have said no which many other women would have done, or decided that she didn't want to be with a man who thought this was a good idea.


Yes, you would think that she would not go through with it, and at the same time lose huge respect for her husband. 

I wonder how much pressure he put on her to do it.


----------



## Handy

BenJohn3232, even with people that only had an emotional affair / connections, it takes 6 months or more just to get over the affair partner at a minimum. When people have good sex together and feel let down by their spouse (you in this case for bringing the OM into your relationship) it becomes a double bound to overcome for the 2 people involved in the affair and sex bond that was created while they were in their honeymoon "lust" phase. I suggest that you give your W 6 to 12 months for her romantic bond with you to develop.

Maybe this OM and your wife could be likened to a skunk spraying 2 people (your W and the OM), first you have to get rid of the stink by washing and letting the smell to wear off. No use covering up the stink with perfume, to me that doesn't sound like a good plan.

If after a year things are still not working out, you can do other things and maybe move on. The 6 months about ending one relationship and connecting with someone else is fairly common. Some people take longer.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BenJohn3232 said:


> I went with her a few times and it was just sex. No 3-some or anything, I was just there. We thought she could go alone and nothing would change. We were both naive.
> It turned into regular sex 1-2 times a week and really our relationship didn’t change. We still had sex, went out, took vacations, etc. She went out with friends on occasion as did I. It was business as usual.
> We kind of negelcted each other after a while and I never thought much about it. We just lived life.
> Last May his wife found out and made serious threatening calls and messages to my wife. She cried it was over. He ended it.
> She was getting over it, but then he called back after 1-2 months. She told me everything was fine and she just wanted sex from him on occassion.
> I stumbled upon some old messages where they sent some “I love yous” before his wife ever found out. I questioned her and she said it didn’t mean anything.
> Over the past several months she has not seen him as much and contact has been limited. Finally, in early January she ended it and had been pretty upset ever since.
> I am 99.9% confident she has had no contact since then and she has had no time to see him at all. I knew about every meeting they ever had. (I am 100% sure on that) Remember, I started this.
> I just question how she is ao adamant she loves me now, but the intimate feelings are just not there. She does say maybe in time those feelings might come back if we can just “get back to normal.”
> She does NOT want a divorce and it is 100% not an option they would ever “get together” for a relationship.
> By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.


I cannot imagine why she would want a divorce. Why should she? 

What is material is do you want to be with someone who thinks so little of you that she relegates you to duty sex once per week and lets you know it is a chore that she does not enjoy?

Why do you think so little of yourself that you would actually entertain this and not just show her the door?


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

BenJohn3232 said:


> I understand divorce IS a possibility right now. She begs me to “move forward” and forget the whole thing.
> She reminds me I started this. She cried when I first brought it up and was adamant she did not want that. She was infatuated with me and loved me deeply.
> I broke that trust obviously. She did not go behind my back and start seeing someone and am 100% confident she never would have without me pushing her to do it.
> We both bit off more than we could chew and didn’t know what we were getting into.
> 
> Moving forward is a catch-22. I want some proof besides words that she loves me, but I continue to bring up the past constantly even when we are actually getting alone and it bothers her. It’s a part of our history she wants us both to forget and I always start an argument about it.
> 
> We have been to therapy and the therapist said me bringing it up prevents the healing process because it keeps the wounds open. It is just very hard not to ask questions all the time.


That therapist is a fool. Fire them.


----------



## MJJEAN

Evinrude58 said:


> If this story is real, the OP PRESSURED her into having sex with this guy. It sounds unbelievable, but that's just because my mind doesn't think like this. But I have heard it can happen. This is TOTALLY not her fault. She was pressured into having sex with a stranger and fell in love with him. She didn't want to do this and told the OP as much. He STILL asked her to do it.


She's a grown woman and had free agency. If she really, truly, didn't want to do it, it would never have happened. She caved to pressure and that is absolutely all on her.



Diana7 said:


> They were both equally responsible. He suggested it and she did it. Both made stupid decisions. She could easily have said no which many other women would have done, or decided that she didn't want to be with a man who thought this was a good idea.


Yup.



manwithnoname said:


> Yes, you would think that she would not go through with it, and at the same time lose huge respect for her husband.
> 
> I wonder how much pressure he put on her to do it.


How much pressure he put her under is irrelevant. Ultimately, the decision was hers.


----------



## BenJohn3232

Handy: I have read that as well. It ended about 1.5 months ago. I once saw on average it takes 8 months for things to get back to “normal.”
I still believe she is getting over it. She could have left me and I could have left her, but we have so much invested. I want her to just throw herwelf at me and say everything is ok, but this isn’t the movies.
Time doesn’t guarantee us anything, but it’s all we have to know what will happen.
For those who have said this is a big mess, you are 100% right.


----------



## Lostinthought61

she can blame you for the first time you pushed her into it but when he came back that was all on her 100% on her and she has to accept that...and that is the thing that i would have a hard time getting over this...you may have open the door but she drove a truck through it and damaged everything.......does she accept that ? 
does she understand her part in all of this?


----------



## manwithnoname

MJJEAN said:


> How much pressure he put her under is irrelevant. *Ultimately, the decision was hers*.


I fully agree with the bold part.

However, I do believe there is relevance to the amount of pressure. If he said " I want you to **** another man" and she immediately said "ok" ...... this is far worse than her refusing over and over while he badgered her relentlessly until she finally caved, and then ultimately lost respect for him and fell for the OM at the same time.

I would expect a husband to not even request this, and a wife to not agree to it. Ever. 

This is gut wrenching. I feel for this guy. He realizes his error, hopefully he can make the right decision so he can move forward with some dignity and self respect, whatever that decision may be.


----------



## ConanHub

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
> His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
> After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week.
> We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
> Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.
> I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
> We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together.
> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


Your marriage was over 3 years ago. Wake up and stick a fork in it.

That smell isn't a pile of **** on your doorstep. It is the moldy disgusting remnants of whatever you called a marriage.

Your wife is deranged and disgusting and you have lost your mind.

Get professional mental help for both of you. Your kids deserve to have at least one healthy parent. Right now they have two immature, inconsiderate, irresponsible, idiotic and very selfish parents who did not consider them when you decided being a cuckold would be fun and she started letting her crotch make decisions for her entire family!

Not going to get an ounce of sympathy here.

I feel for your kids though. Maybe it's time you two wingnuts started putting their well being ahead of your wife's well used vagina!

Seriously! Grow the hell up! Get help. Stop being delusional.

You have no marriage. Your wife is a broken skank and you are the other side of the coin.

Get help!


----------



## TAMAT

BenJohn,

Given how long this has gone on it is not a simple affair, it more like a relationship or a second marriage.

Her relationship with this man made her realize or believe that she never had chemistry with you and while she might give you sex she will always see you as less than the OM sexually. 

My W warned me almost 30 years ago that she could never feel anything for me after OM1, and I believed that I could love her and care for her enough to overcome that, but her lust for me never really returned. 

You are more than the OM in other ways, the best father your daughters can ever have, honest, hard working, trustworthy, and things like that that OM cannot supply so your W does not want to leave you.

If the OM does not go back to her she will look for a replacement for him. You will have to monitor her for the rest of your marriage.

I almost never suggest people cheat but perhaps your only hope is to find a NSA girlfriend for yourself. This might snap your W out of the spell OM holds her in.

Tamat


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## Hopeful Cynic

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
> His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
> After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week.
> We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
> Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.
> I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
> We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together.
> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


Let me summarize a timeline of events and the many many times where things broke down.

You both decided to try a threesome fantasy hotwife cuckold scenario. You suggested it and she went with it. What were the parameters supposed to be? Did you set any up at all? Was there a plan for what should happen if she caught feelings? Because women usually do catch feelings from sex.

Turns out, she loved the sex with the other guy more than with you. Since you were the only man she'd been with, the odds were 50-50 on this, assuming you are of average skill. Did she explain this to you after she experienced it? Did she bring back ideas to improve sex with you?

When she started to fall in love with him, did she mention it to you at all before hiding it and carrying on and pretending to you that she didn't care about him?

Then this guy's wife found out? So his own marriage wasn't open AT ALL? This was all happening without his wife's consent? You were both amenable to ruining an innocent woman's life?

So it comes out that she's emotionally invested, and she goes through a couple of months of mourning the loss. All is out in the open now. Did you work on getting your bond back at all at this point? Did you work on improving sex with her? Was counselling involved?

Now he contacts your wife again (behind his wife's back, presumably) and things resume behind YOUR back? Or did you consent to it even though you knew now that there were feelings involved? Now your wife, and possibly you, have resumed ruining an innocent woman's marriage.

You finally convince her to dump him, so I suspect she was in fact going behind your back in the previous paragraph. Now she's a liar AGAIN.

She says she loves you and won't see him again, but frankly, it doesn't sound like you can trust either statement out of her. She wants to stay with you, but it's got to be for reasons other than love. I'm thinking things like: wanting your income, not having to leave her beautiful home, not having to give up time with the children, not ruining her reputation around town, etc. All extremely selfish reasons. I suspect she intends to let things calm down, then resume the affair on the sly once again.



BenJohn3232 said:


> I understand divorce IS a possibility right now. She begs me to “move forward” and forget the whole thing.
> She reminds me I started this. She cried when I first brought it up and was adamant she did not want that. She was infatuated with me and loved me deeply.
> I broke that trust obviously. She did not go behind my back and start seeing someone and am 100% confident she never would have without me pushing her to do it.
> We both bit off more than we could chew and didn’t know what we were getting into.
> 
> Moving forward is a catch-22. I want some proof besides words that she loves me, but I continue to bring up the past constantly even when we are actually getting alone and it bothers her. It’s a part of our history she wants us both to forget and I always start an argument about it.
> 
> We have been to therapy and the therapist said me bringing it up prevents the healing process because it keeps the wounds open. It is just very hard not to ask questions all the time.


This therapist is wrong. You can't heal as long as there are unanswered questions. What sort of questions do you still have though? Sounds like you got a lot of disclosure already. If they are things like 'how could you?' or 'how can I trust you?' the only answers are that she's just that type of person and you have to decide if you can accept that or not. If your wife isn't answering your questions to your satisfaction, you have to question her remorse and commitment. If she's not willing to do the work to make yours a full and solid marriage again, including intimacy, then why bother?

_Also, she reminds you that you started this??_ You started an open marriage, sure, but she's the one who turned it into cheating. If she can't even accept her own blame for what happened, as I described thoroughly above, you've got nothing to work with.



BenJohn3232 said:


> Handy: I have read that as well. It ended about 1.5 months ago. I once saw on average it takes 8 months for things to get back to “normal.”
> I still believe she is getting over it. She could have left me and I could have left her, but we have so much invested. I want her to just throw herwelf at me and say everything is ok, but this isn’t the movies.
> Time doesn’t guarantee us anything, but it’s all we have to know what will happen.
> For those who have said this is a big mess, you are 100% right.


Ah, the sunk costs fallacy. Throwing good money after bad, even when there's no hope for return on investment.

Who is going to pay this cost? Your daughters. Do you really want them growing up thinking yours is a good model of marriage to follow? Do you want them to turn out to be selfish, cowardly liars like your wife?

It's more like several years to get past an affair. And despite your consent in opening the marriage at the start of this mess, she clearly went well beyond the agreed-upon boundaries and into untrustworthy territory, so it ceased to be an open marriage and became an affair. That time estimate is also only if the cheater is sincerely remorseful, which is actually really rare. For most marriages blown apart by cheating, the recovery time is never.

Don't give 100% to someone who isn't giving it right back to you. That's not a marriage, that's raising an additional teenager who will never finish maturing.


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## MJJEAN

manwithnoname said:


> I fully agree with the bold part.
> 
> However, I do believe there is relevance to the amount of pressure. If he said " I want you to **** another man" and she immediately said "ok" ...... this is far worse than her refusing over and over while he badgered her relentlessly until she finally caved, and then ultimately lost respect for him and fell for the OM at the same time.
> 
> I would expect a husband to not even request this, and a wife to not agree to it. Ever.
> 
> This is gut wrenching. I feel for this guy. He realizes his error, hopefully he can make the right decision so he can move forward with some dignity and self respect, whatever that decision may be.


No, really, the pressure is irrelevant. She was a grown woman, wife, and mother. She had zero excuse. Again, she simply could have said "No. Do not bring it up again or I will seek legal counsel." She didn't. She is solely responsible for her decision.

And don't feel too bad for OP, either. This outcome was as predictable as the sun rise. Common sense should have told him this wasn't a good idea. He had to have known there was a chance of something (accidental pregnancy, STI, psycho stalker, ruining someone else's marriage, etc.) going wrong. He rolled the dice and took his chance. It was all fun and games for him until it wasn't.


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## Rhubarb

BenJohn3232 said:


> ......
> By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.


Seriously dude, You do know you're a major cuckold right? This is mostly your fault. The message this sends your wife is "Can you screw another man so I can service my fetish?". It's really not a loving message. I mean it's kind of like you are pimping her out, although she seems to be at least somewhat willing. However you should have expected that you would pay a price. For normal men, your girl is YOUR girl alone and no one else's. You are telling her you don't value her so much.


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## ABHale

BenJohn3232 said:


> It was a bizarre fantasy turned bad. I initiated it and she was ok with it. It was a random guy we did not know from a website. We had conversations online for 3-4 months then met. It was the one guy.
> She stopped seeing him 2 months ago and wants to stay married.
> She says she never wanted to leave me and she loves me. She was the nicest, sweetest woman I ever knew unt this happened.
> OF COURSE I kick myself everyday. We still have sex but only once a week and she makes it clear she is not going to enjoy it.


So you actually think see still loves and respects you. 

Stay with her if you want your daughters to see you as weak. 

So she gets off on her part and when she gets her heart broken because she fell for the guy, you pay the price. F that ****.


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## manwithnoname

MJJEAN said:


> No, really, the pressure is irrelevant. She was a grown woman, wife, and mother. She had zero excuse. Again, she simply could have said "No. Do not bring it up again or I will seek legal counsel." She didn't. She is solely responsible for her decision.
> 
> And don't feel too bad for OP, either. This outcome was as predictable as the sun rise. Common sense should have told him this wasn't a good idea. He had to have known there was a chance of something (accidental pregnancy, STI, psycho stalker, ruining someone else's marriage, etc.) going wrong. He rolled the dice and took his chance. It was all fun and games for him until it wasn't.


I respectfully request my right to have an opinion differing from yours.

He clearly lacked common sense and did something I would never do.


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## ABHale

BenJohn3232 said:


> I understand divorce IS a possibility right now. She begs me to “move forward” and forget the whole thing.
> She reminds me I started this. She cried when I first brought it up and was adamant she did not want that. She was infatuated with me and loved me deeply.
> I broke that trust obviously. She did not go behind my back and start seeing someone and am 100% confident she never would have without me pushing her to do it.
> We both bit off more than we could chew and didn’t know what we were getting into.
> 
> Moving forward is a catch-22. I want some proof besides words that she loves me, but I continue to bring up the past constantly even when we are actually getting alone and it bothers her. It’s a part of our history she wants us both to forget and I always start an argument about it.
> 
> We have been to therapy and the therapist said me bringing it up prevents the healing process because it keeps the wounds open. It is just very hard not to ask questions all the time.


Your just a fool and you need a new therapist. 

You made her cry pushing her to do this? Your supposed to protect her not push her to be an other mans *****.


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## manfromlamancha

Ben, it may take months or more likely years for the "stench" to go away (if it ever does). I agree with others that say:

She lost her love for you 3 years ago and will always view you as less than OM when it comes to sex and by association, romantic love. In short she was and in her mind, is in love with the OM and misses him and his endowment!

She is not in love with you now. Not even sure she loves you. She does not want a divorce for the simple reason of self-preservation and comfort - keeping the status quo .... until ....

Consider this - if the OM had broken up with his wife and asked your wife to be with him, what would the result have been (and be honest with yourself)? Well that is the "until" part of the above sentence. If she sees aother guy that somehow lets her know he is interested, has a big d!ck (similar to OM's), is charming and compatible with her - off she will go (with no regard for you or anything else, I can assure you). That is the reality of this situation. That is what she has to really convince you of (and it appears you are a million miles from this).

In many ways this is caused by you. I agree that both were naive but you had the problem. You needed to see your wife ****ed by another man. And now you both are paying the price. So you have to do the right thing here and maybe the right thing is to walk away from this marriage and let her go and find her next big d!ck. Make it amicable and think of the kids' well being all the time.

If after this, you still do not want to divorce, and are able to stay in a marriage where she does not respect you, tells you she loves you but you know this is not romantic love (not even sure if she loves you in any way at all), she still misses the sex with the other guy even if her romantic love for him fades and the knowledge that she will never view you in that way for a long long time - then stay. And try and improve yourself and make her respect and love you again - but if it is possible, its going to take a long, long time.


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## BobSimmons

BenJohn3232 said:


> My wife of now 20 years got a “hall pass” to have sex with another man 3 years ago. It turned her on and she began having sex for hours with this guy regularly. She said it was ONLY sex and we still had a good marriage. After 2-3 years I began finding out she sent messagesactually and told him she loved him.
> His wife found out and went crazy and he ended it. She was devastated and then I REALLY found out how much he meant to her. She cried and it all came out how she had a major emotional attachment.
> After 2 months he called my wife back and they began seeing each other again last summer. It was not as regular, but it was at least once a week.
> We have argued MANY sleepless nights about this. She said she loves me and wants a life with me, but he can go on for hours in bed. She admits it is mind blowing sex for her.
> Last month she finally agreed to never see him again, but now says our sex life is over. She does not want a divorce, but just wants a marriage where I can have sex once a week if I choose, but she does not want it at all.
> She said our romance is over.
> I am very confused and can give more info if necessary for some advice/help.
> We were married when I was 21 and she was 18 and we began dating at 17 and 14. We had never had any other partners before this major mistake. We have 3 wonderful daughters together.
> Should I accept a marriage where she hates sex, but loved me?


Absolutely, to make it even better help the guy get a divorce and move him into the room next to yours. Your wife can spend the day with you and spend the night with him.

Everybody is happy!!


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## BobSimmons

BenJohn3232 said:


> I went with her a few times and it was just sex. No 3-some or anything, I was just there. We thought she could go alone and nothing would change. We were both naive.
> It turned into regular sex 1-2 times a week and really our relationship didn’t change. We still had sex, went out, took vacations, etc. She went out with friends on occasion as did I. It was business as usual.
> We kind of negelcted each other after a while and I never thought much about it. We just lived life.
> Last May his wife found out and made serious threatening calls and messages to my wife. She cried it was over. He ended it.
> She was getting over it, but then he called back after 1-2 months. She told me everything was fine and she just wanted sex from him on occassion.
> I stumbled upon some old messages where they sent some “I love yous” before his wife ever found out. I questioned her and she said it didn’t mean anything.
> Over the past several months she has not seen him as much and contact has been limited. Finally, in early January she ended it and had been pretty upset ever since.
> I am 99.9% confident she has had no contact since then and she has had no time to see him at all. I knew about every meeting they ever had. (I am 100% sure on that) Remember, I started this.
> I just question how she is ao adamant she loves me now, but the intimate feelings are just not there. She does say maybe in time those feelings might come back if we can just “get back to normal.”
> She does NOT want a divorce and it is 100% not an option they would ever “get together” for a relationship.
> *By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.*


Hahahaha, lol, just added that bit at the end there eh?


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## eric1

You need to have a line of communication open with her boyfriend’s wife.

You simply cannot assume No Contact.


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## She'sStillGotIt

BenJohn3232 said:


> By the way, he is well endowed and she always had multiple orgasms with him.


Well thank goodness for THAT. That makes this 'tragedy' all worth it then, doesn't it?

I'm sure you can find another swinging **** on the "WifeBangers.com'" website where you found this *last *stallion. And you'd better hurry because the 'wife' has already let you know that you're completely inadequate for her needs and only a real man will do. 

You'd better get hopping. Find her another well-hung stud she can ride to glory and do be sure to come back and give us ALL the dirty details, ok?

I didn't realize school was out for winter break.


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## Chaparral

You keep bringing it up to her because you are still getting off on it. You also like punishing her for doing what you told her to do. What I can’t understand is wh she is still with you. You are the freak in this triangle and you are the one that needs fixed. Your wife knows no
man that loves his wife shares her. She knows you just see her as a sex toy. 

Divorce her and let her find some happiness. You should simply just pay for your pleasure and not expect a normal woman to be a part of your fantasys.


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## TAM2013

Chaparral said:


> .....not expect a normal woman to be a part of your fantasys.


I'd like to think that's still the expectation of a 'normal' woman. But if you consider what's expected of a 'normal' western man in 2018, it's not far off OP's situation, even though he seems to have created this one for himself.


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## Diana7

So she cried when you first suggested it and yet you still pressured her?????Disgusting behaviour and I have no sympathy for you.
An man who loves and respects his wife would never act the way you did.


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## thummper

OP in your next relationship, after the shattering divorce that's surely going to happen, for God's sake don't even consider an open marriage again!


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## ABHale

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Well thank goodness for THAT. That makes this 'tragedy' all worth it then, doesn't it?
> 
> I'm sure you can find another swinging **** on the "WifeBangers.com'" website where you found this *last *stallion. And you'd better hurry because the 'wife' has already let you know that you're completely inadequate for her needs and only a real man will do.
> 
> You'd better get hopping. Find her another well-hung stud she can ride to glory and do be sure to come back and give us ALL the dirty details, ok?
> 
> I didn't realize school was out for winter break.


Snow day somewhere.


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## ILoveWomen

Few subjects anger me like the idea of open marriage (personally). I cannot for the life of me see its appeal. Laying groundwork?, rules for men that are going to **** my wife? It is an insanity of the first order. It is not about sex itself. Imagine you are lying beside your wife and want to get physical. Looking in her eyes knowing that there is another man she looks at with passionate desire. That she says the things that people say while in the throws of passion; to another man. That she wants to hear the things that I tell her when we are making love, I love you, this feels so wonderful. This is like getting a change to visit heaven, etc, from another man. Then expect that this will open me up sexually that our marriage will be freer and happier. That I will be in touch with my male sexuality and then be better for her? I don't like to be vulgar but you are out of your ****ing mind.

Open marriage is one thing. Letting your wife be intimate with other men. It is an idea I cannot fathom.

If my wife came to me and suggested an open marriage as a serious alternative I would reply. No you don't want marriage, you want to **** other guys and have the benefits of having me as well. No, not ever. Asking me for an open marriage is the same as telling me I don't do it for you in the bedroom. I like to be with you but not only you. I like that you take care of me and the house and the kids but you have to help me explore my sexuality. That is not how it is done. We have a problem with physical intamacy we work on it together. If I can't ever be the one man for you (this is while married now) then call your lawyer and let's close this out then you can **** whoever you choose.

Marriage is a commitment body and soul. Not a religious thing or family thing or a man thing or a woman thing. I completely love my wife and I think she does me. To think for a moment that I could look in the most beautiful, captivating, loving eyes I have ever seen in my life and then imagine her gazing into another mans eyes. Seeing hearing, feeling the things that that result in the sublime joy I experience with her?

No argument would ever convince me otherwise


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## lifeistooshort

In general a guy who offers his wife up for other men to have sex with is sending the message that she isn't that important to him. It goes against our desire to have a man who is territorial and can protect us.

I know that people can work out mutual arrangements, like open marriages (even though I won't pretend to understand it), but as your wife didn't initially seem to want that you sent her the message that she wasn't that important. The fact that she cried tells me your bond was damaged by that.

Once that bond is broken it's very difficult to get back. She probably can get past this guy, but the memories of you offering her up will never go away.

I suppose you could go to MC and see what you can work out.


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## hinterdir

Your marriage is over. It is just about how long you two drag this sorry thing out. 
You ruined your marriage the day you said "Sure dear, go have sex with another man" There's no turning back after that. You can't unscramble an egg and there is no way to save this disaster. 

I can't imagine what would have led you to tell your wife to go have sex with your blessing.


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## TRy

*This is a Zombie thread.* This thread was dormant for 4 months, and the OP has not posted for 4 months.


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## bandit.45

His wife is probably having sex with zombies now.


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## lifeistooshort

I hadn't noticed how long it's been since OP posted. Since it has been 4 months we'll close this down.....should he wish to return and reopen the thread he can PM a mod.


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