# He's Not Ambitious



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

So its starting to bother me a bit, that my husband so called no ambition, so he says. Yeah, he went to an expensive culinary school, but now has a job that pays well under $30 k a year. He often says he loves his job and he knew when getting into this industry that he wouldn't have the biggest house and the most money. Ok, I get that, but can we find a way to at least save some money. You want to start a business that is going to take thousands in capital. Can you pick up some extra hours somewhere to help fund that. If I hadn't gone back to school to get into a career that made a decent amount of money, we'd be barely making it. I understand you're supposedly not ambitious, but when you want to travel, start a business, not be bored and stuck in the house on a regular basis, you find a way to find a way to make a little extra money somewhere so that you can do those that you really want to do. I don't think you should depend solely on me because I make more money (which is no that much more) to carry you. I get out and do a little extra when i want extra, I would want my husband to do the same.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you sat down with him and had a clear talk about finances? Really laid it out, with figures? Some people need this kind of reality check.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

He wants to start his own restaurant? That sounds ambitious to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John Lee said:


> He wants to start his own restaurant? That sounds ambitious to me.


But where is the realistic plan to get there?


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## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

This is my exact same sentiment. If he could just go make and extra 50 or 100 somewhere, but there seems to be a dependence on me to finance this. I have obligations of my own as well as the household



jld said:


> But where is the realistic plan to get there?


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Unless or until you are a famous TV Chef or have a couple of Michelin Stars catering will continue to be “low pay”. What with the split shifts and un social working hours it is very easy to work your fingers to the bone but still only earn an average wage.

If your husband wants to one day own his own business the as well as starting to build some capital he also needs to put some effort into a business plan. Research the local market, check out the rental / purchase costs for premises / equipment. It took my brother in law 6 years between finishing catering school and starting his own café and that only “broke even” the first year.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you have your OWN savings account that he can't access? I sure hope so!


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> But where is the realistic plan to get there?


It's in the same place my wifes dream of having her own restaurant to run with her sister and family is. 

It got stuck at "Honey you pay for it build it up run it and I will work there as I please". 

I have absolutely no interest in owning and managing a restaurant nor do I have the financial resources to start and run one let alone do all the heavy work to keep it going so that someone else can live one of her "if we were rich" dreams. 

That's not to say I don't think people shouldn't have dreams. I do and I am working on them one day at a time but I am not expecting someone else to finance and make them a reality for me.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

hmmmm, I think he is ambitious. He just sounds like he is lacking motivation. I think that's a better way of looking at it. Lack of ambition means to me that they don't want to do anything with their life and have no goals. He has goals here, but not a solid plan of execution. Maybe he should take some type of business class, or find resources for entrepreneurs?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Ambition is overrated. 

I earn maybe 15% more than my wife (both high earners) but because I do not want to kill myself working 60-70 hours a week I am not ambitious.

I would not think of opening a restaurant in this economy... It's just too risky. Even with a Harvard MBA business plan and much planning, it simply is a line of business with way low margins and way too much competition. Not to mention the entry costs.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Chefs here where I live earn good money, my head chef loves what he does and doesn't want anymore responsibility, nor do the rest of my staff (which is a problem as I wish to retire from business development and operations management and let someone else take the reins but I can't promote internally nor trust anyone externally)

You don't need to walk the route of hefty bank loans, go the route of OPM/investment. It was the only way I managed to forfill my expansion plans without more debt and exponentially increase my personal income (at the cost of control). Still, the business was already established by the time I took over hence I had a relatively less-risky opportunity.

However you must really want it. Your husband has his own passion just as my chef. Leave him be, or move here down under if the wages are that low; chefs here earn 80K+


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

John Lee said:


> He wants to start his own restaurant? That sounds ambitious to me.


He has a dream but he doesn't have a plan and he apparently isn't willing to do the hard things necessary to bring his plan to fruition. Even if someone handed him his own restaurant, it would fail in the first year because he isn't willing to devote the time, sacrifice, and attention to detail required to make it work. He may as well have a dream of being an astronaut. Kids have dreams. Adults have plans. He may like to cook and there's nothing wrong with that if he cooks well. Someone else is going to have to do the tedious and unpleasant tasks and make the hard decisions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell him to start watching Kitchen Nightmares.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Ambition is overrated.
> 
> I earn maybe 15% more than my wife (both high earners) but because I do not want to kill myself working 60-70 hours a week I am not ambitious.


Similar issue here as well. I figured out how learn the skills that pay the bills so that I don't have to do those working hours any more but I can still make the income. 

Now I am seen as lazy and unambitious by the person who can barely make it through her 8 hour a day 40 hour a week job that involves about 3 - 5 hours of light desk work a day.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MT you subscribe to my life 's philosophy...

Acquire a lot of skills and experience and use it to make a good living but not drive yourself nuts because of overwork...

Incidentally if your wife works 8 hours a day as an architect she's either very good of very lucky or both.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Actually she works for the local telecom company in their drafting department. 

Day one she started at the top end of their starting pay scale then got the largest percentage of annual raise they offer for christmas.

They love her there!  

I have to admit a bit of envy. She makes close to the take home pay I had a year ago at the job where I was putting in 60 hour work weeks and paid good for that.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

married tech said:


> Similar issue here as well. I figured out how learn the skills that pay the bills so that I don't have to do those working hours any more but I can still make the income.
> 
> Now I am seen as lazy and unambitious by the person who can barely make it through her 8 hour a day 40 hour a week job that involves about 3 - 5 hours of light desk work a day.


This is exactly what I meant when I mentioned (in another thread) being judged not on what you have accomplished (esp. in comparison to your spouse) but rather on what you aren't doing. If you aren't always striving to make her life easier or more plush, you are looked down upon as a slacker.

My ex had some of that: "you don't mow the lawn - the gardener does" was what I remember (my response: "and how can we afford a gardener?"). The problem is people don't realize how much hard work goes into reaching that level. The solution is simply to point the issue out. If she thinks your a slacker, let her equal your achievement and then you can discuss the issue.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> If she thinks your a slacker, let her equal your achievement and then you can discuss the issue.


Good lord my wife and I go around on this several times a year and every single time I point out that I will happily trade work loads with her. 

Just follow me around and match me one to one for a single day and I will happily do your home jobs for a week on top of my own. 

Never once has she followed up on it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you ever given your wife a day off of these 'home jobs?'


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Every day that she has given me a day off from my home duties! 

So no not really. 

That's the down side to declaring that you want to live as equals in a relationship. The other person just might hold you to that request. 

BTW I just spent half my day putting a whole new ceiling in our bathroom because I had some unused panels and ceiling track pieces laying around from a previous ceiling job we did a while ago and I didn't feel like working outside in the cold today. 

What does that buy me?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

married tech said:


> That's the down side to declaring that you want to live as equals in a relationship. The other person just might hold you to that request.


That's exactly true. There are people (both genders, but more women) that expect to receive more from their partners than they give back.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Well my wife came home and saw the new bathroom ceiling plus I even took the whole exhaust fan assy out rebuilt it, stripped all the old paint and rust off the cover and repainted it in high gloss black.
(Dang nice looking ceiling now!) 

All she did was cry when she saw it so I am thinking I may take it all out put it all back to how it used to be tomorrow.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Cried good or cried bad?

What I meant was, does she ever get to turn off being mom/wife/housekeeper, even for just a day? Trust me, it can do wonders for a marriage (and sex life), letting her do that now and then by you taking over and sending her somewhere or you taking the kids off her.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Good cry! 
Yea she liked the new bathroom ceiling. In fact if I got to town tomorrow I am supposed to go and find a new vanity light. 

Good thing she was not home though I had to strip some hardwood slats off of a shipping pallet to make new braces for the vent fan and re enforce bad spots in two places. 

As far as the other parts no not that I am aware of. If anything when discussing such things I get met with a considerable resistance! 
Especially if she feels her mother status may be threatened.

Housekeeper wise I am on a very short leash with what I am allowed to do as well so I don't push that one either. She has her set way she wants things and it's been well proven she does not like my way of doing or not doing things. 

Wife wise? Whats that?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like acts of service might be one of her top ENs. Or maybe whatever you would call 'keeping the house in good shape.' I was just thinking last night about how my husband hung up a thick curtain in our cold bathroom two years ago - that I bought 12 years ago and have been asking him to hang every year since. And he only hung it up after I told him if things didn't change, I was leaving him. 

When one thing isn't taken care of, it tends to creep up the list of top ENs.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I was just thinking last night about how my husband hung up a thick curtain in our cold bathroom two years ago - that I bought 12 years ago and have been asking him to hang every year since. And he only hung it up after I told him if things didn't change, I was leaving him.



Now I have to ask. Why didn't you hang it up yourself? 

Its not like those things are hard to put up unless you have some sort of moderate physical disability. 

In 12 years I would think that you could have taken the initiative at some point to figure out how to use the tools to do it yourself.

Maybe one of his emotional needs it to have a wife who can do basic repair work herself. I know it makes me a happy when my wife puts a little bit of effort into learning how to use one of my work tools or machines. 

Just asking.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I tried hanging up the one in the dining room. It is literally hanging there by a thread, and any huge movement or tug on the drapes is going to have it crashing, holes in the wall and all. I just am.not.good at that stuff. I THINK I am, I tell myself, it's just a freakin' bolt, and then bam! Trust me, I've tried and tried. Most things I do, he ends up having to redo, and we have even more issues.

I didn't hire someone to do it...for other reasons tied to a dysfunctional marriage.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Ah I see! 

Easy tip for learning to hang things and rather fun/enlightening read is a basic home repair book. 

Learning the little tricks like how to find the framing studs behind walls and around windows make a world of difference in how good you look when it comes to keeping stuff on the wall where you wanted it too. 

Be forewarned though. Once you start seeing the tricks of the trade and you do a few basic things that actually turn out right it can make for a very empowering feeling shortly followed by disgust at how much contractors will charge for what you now know as basic work.  

My point is never be afraid to learn about the things you deal with everyday and never assume that something that might be simple should be someone elses job otherwise get used to waiting 12 years for someone else to do what you could have learned and did yourself in a afternoon. 

If my wife put half as much time and effort into learning to do the simple things she *****es at me to do for her we probably could have built a mini mansion for the both of us by now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I tried using a studfinder, and still couldn't figure out where the studs were. I tried banging on the wall and thought I found the studs, only to be wrong. There are several failed attempts behind the curtains. 

We have remodeled several houses together, one of them completely as a resale for profit, him as doer and me as the gopher. I know HOW to do everything. It's just that when I try, it doesn't work.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you ever invite her to do one of the things with you?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My wife's personal record is spreading 18 cubic yards worth of mulch over a 3 day weekend  

She does well on some tasks (landscaping for example) but not more skilled work like drywall, framing, paint, etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

john117 said:


> My wife's personal record is spreading 18 cubic yards worth of mulch over a 3 day weekend
> 
> She does well on some tasks (landscaping for example) but not more skilled work like drywall, framing, paint, etc.


*waving hand*

That's me! Give me non-skill-required labor and I'll work 18-hour days. And I've done that 18 yards thing, too. ugh...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

18 hour days? You lucky SOB's! I am happy to get a honest 1.8 hours of actual real help every two or three days. 

My wife dug most of the basement hole for our 1500 Sq foot house we are working on with my tractor backhoe. She does great on the digging part but ask her to turn the damn seat around and drive it in anything but low first gear and I might as well asked her to fly to the moon. 

She likes digging and is good at it but the mentality that she will pick and choose what part of the whole machine she will learn to operate proficiently bewilders me to no end. 
To me it's like saying I want to learn to drive but I am not going to learn to back up, do left hand turns, merge in traffic or park in a parking lot. In my book thats not learning to drive. 

Same with mowing the yard. She likes doing it but getting her to check the damn gas and oil before hand is impossible. The aggravating part for me is the lawn mower has a clear sight glass on the left side that can't be missed plus I have the dash labeled in bright paint pen to check each fluid level before using.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Wife operating a backhoe... What could possibly go wrong 

The only power tool she uses is a hedge trimmer. Everything else is me unfortunately...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

A lot of the things she can do really impress me! The drawing lines on only wanting to learn part of something is what bewilders me to no end. 

To me a workable proficiency is all I ask. You never know when an emergency may come up and she may have to use one of my machines to help someone out, like myself, who is in a bad situation. That's all I am asking for.


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

I think it's quite interesting how careers take their course. I, too, started out in the restaurant business. This because while in college, I discovered that I could have a lot more money left over at the end of the month from my work if I worked at a restaurant and ate my meals there. For me, it was simple economics. So I've spent my 25 year career in the food business. 

While I may have started as a cook at $3.35/hour in 1986, it progressed as follows: sous chef, Kitchen Manager, Executive Chef, Assistant General Manager, Restaurant General Manager, Restaurant District Manager, Restaurant Regional Manager, Franchise Restaurant owner, Franchise consultant, Production Manager, Purchasing Manager, Director of Purchasing, VP of Purchasing, Regional Sales Manager, National Account Sales Manager, Director of Sales, and now VP of Sales - Middle East (total package around $200K).

All this without a college degree. All this because I did want more, so I took risks. But the progression was not always because of ambition. Sometimes I was fired. Some times I was laid off. I never wanted to be in this business, and often wished I'd become a welder or a plumber, great trades. 

My W has been very supportive. At times we've been dirt poor. But it was just money. We always wanted to travel, have expensive cars, nice well-appointed homes, flashy jewelry. I can tell you this...the times we've been "happiest" are the times that we've been least stressed. And those times happened to be when we earned the least, and had the least obligations - car payments, credit card payments, house payments, etc. The times that we had to dig in the cushions for change for the $1 movie theater were the days that I miss the most.

When you earn more, you spend more, and one becomes a slave to their new cost of living. I believe that there's no income that will ever satisfy...because spending increases to absorb the new income. Sure, you get to travel, have a nice Range Rover, and the 5 BR behind gated walls, membership at the country club, and a b1tchin' sports car in the 4 car garage. It's all just stuff. No, it's just crap. In the end, I'd rather have more time with my family and less time earning money...

Just my take, anyway...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Unfortunately in my life time I have met too many women who want all that luxury stuff but at and on someone elses work and output. 

I like having what I have but I do not have much drive to have excess above and beyond what I will use on a regular basis which for what ever insane female rational (usually from a woman who couldn't stand on her own two feet to save her life) deems me lazy and lacking ambition instead of being seen as being responsible and more practical in how I live my life. 

I don't see myself as being lazy but I do see in my lifetime that wanting to impress people I don't know or care about has never been a priority for me!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I could do anything, I'd buy real estate and hire a manager to manage it all (including using some of the profit to improve the real estate periodically), and just have that income coming in for the rest of my (and my daughter's) life.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

john117 said:


> MT you subscribe to my life 's philosophy...
> 
> Acquire a lot of skills and experience and use it to make a good living but not drive yourself nuts because of overwork...
> 
> Incidentally if your wife works 8 hours a day as an architect she's either very good of very lucky or both.


Exactly, work smarter, not harder.
I loathe that as a society, somehow it has become the norm in the US that the only way to show that you're ambitious is to work yourself to death.
No way, I work to live, I don't live to work. 
Sure it would have been great if I had a job that I love, that fulfills me, but that didn't happen, so instead I make the best of it & find other ways to fulfill myself. 

OP, I suggest you have an honest discussion with your H.
He wants to open a restaurant?
Then tell him he needs to come up with a legitimate business plan, one that he could use to find investors and/or get a loan.
Without a business plan and a strict focus on achieving his dream, all his talk is just that, talk.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I have a job that I absolutely love, a job that uses my education and experience 100%, and still I don't want to put more than my French hours into it.


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