# Does anyone here believe spouses can be totally incompatible their entire M?



## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I realize now I got married so long ago because I thought the world of my wife, but had absolutely zero in common with her. We knew each other in high school and worked together during my first marriage. Once my marriage ended we began seeing each other and she was the complete opposite of my ex-wife.(Therefore I though she was perfect for me)<---What a dumb thought...This lead to a life of avoidance and triangulation with our kids, friends and relatives. Here we are so many years later and the light at end of tunnel for child rearing ending is upon us. We have so little in common. Her and the MC keep asking me to promise not to leave but I'm scared of being alone with her someday. We can't talk about anything personal or one of us gets irritated since we are polar opposites. I'm sure MC has caught on we are very incompatible. Its the epitamy of roommate/co-parent marriage. I'm an optimist always, the bright side guy but this is haunting me. Any other dumba$$es marry someone they never really bonded with? I realize I'm an idiot and to unwind this will cause some pain. We are trying at MC and she is a great person but I can tell she is uneasy that we are trying to work on our relationship after all this time.(probably knows its not really possible to be a romantic relation)


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> I realize now I got married so long ago because I thought the world of my wife, but had absolutely zero in common with her. We knew each other in high school and worked together during my first marriage. Once my marriage ended we began seeing each other and she was the complete opposite of my ex-wife.(Therefore I though she was perfect for me)<---What a dumb thought...This lead to a life of avoidance and triangulation with our kids, friends and relatives. Here we are so many years later and the light at end of tunnel for child rearing ending is upon us. We have so little in common. Her and the MC keep asking me to promise not to leave but I'm scared of being alone with her someday. We can't talk about anything personal or one of us gets irritated since we are polar opposites. I'm sure MC has caught on we are very incompatible. Its the epitamy of roommate/co-parent marriage. I'm an optimist always, the bright side guy but this is haunting me. Any other dumba$$es marry someone they never really bonded with? I realize I'm an idiot and to unwind this will cause some pain. We are trying at MC and she is a great person but I can tell she is uneasy that we are trying to work on our relationship after all this time.(probably knows its not really possible to be a romantic relation)


Yes, I did.
I thought he was exactly the kind of guy I wanted, but turns out, he was trying to be someone he's not, and I was trying to be someone I'm not, so that we'd look attractive to each other.

Today, I tell him we are very different. He says it's a good thing because being the same would be boring.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Well,
I have to wonder how many more people that you will promise to love and then later decide they aren't perfect and want to move on. I don't mean to say that to offend, I'm just wanting to point out that since you say your current wife is a "great person", that you must have loved her once and am wondering why you can't learn to love her again. Just because you don't have a lot in common doesn't mean you can't appreciate her good qualities and be happy as her husband. Do your own thing a lot, try to let yourself fall in love with her again. Just my suggestion...... You will never find someone that matches your interests perfectly. You are a man after all, and she is a woman. 
What's good about your marriage? Sex? Companionship? Helpmate? Is she easygoing? Trustworthy? If there is absolutely nothing you like about her, I guess you're right to want to move on. But you liked something about her once upon a time!
Be happy!


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

YES!!, been there and done that... But i also got out, had to.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

1-10 scale

What's good about your marriage? Sex? 5 Companionship? 2 Helpmate? 8 Is she easygoing? Not at all Trustworthy? Yes If there is absolutely nothing you like about her, I guess you're right to want to move on. But you liked something about her once upon a time!
Be happy!

I get what you are saying but shouldn't actually sit down and talk about feelings and such? Should you think about this person throughout the day? There was just never anything romantic between us. She is a great business partner for sure!!! I guess my idea of my wife when I was younger is not what I ended up with and I'm sure its the same for her. I'm happy, but the relationship doesn't feel good and we are in MC. DUDE


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There obviously should be a strong focus on "us" in marriage before anything else because that romantic bond is very important. It's difficult to have a fulfilling marriage without it. Some marriages survive on a friendship level only but many don't. 

Your MC's job is obviously to save the marriage (if possible) but not to ask you to promise not to leave. That's inappropriate and I would speak up and say so.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Yes....I have seen a few such unfortunate couples.

Most of them M because of the thrill of infatuation people get at the beginning of any relationship.

But once the 'new' wore off, the cracks in the relationship appeared almost immediately.

Most of them struggled to save and fix the M for years, neither partner really happy, before finally calling it quits.....and unfortunately, in a few of those cases, the final straw was a nasty and destructive A which made the D far more painful and horrible for the couple, their kids, and their extended families.

And I know two couples who have stayed together despite this....one couple seems to live almost completely separate lives from each other, they probably spend more time apart than together (they're relatives)....seems every time I run into one of them, the other is off doing something or vacationing away with their friends...hardly ever see them together.

The other couple are cold towards each other...constantly sniping at one another with comments....very unhappy.

Why they stay together is beyond me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Dude007 said:


> *Any other dumba$$es marry someone they never really bonded with?* I realize I'm an idiot and to unwind this will cause some pain. We are trying at MC and she is a great person but I can tell she is uneasy that we are trying to work on our relationship after all this time.*(probably knows its not really possible to be a romantic relation)*


Yes, ME!!

I married the "checklist" (in all fairness to me, he did too) -- he was from a good family, well-educated (physician), same religion, same values regarding family, money, child-rearing, high earner, good provider, "nice guy".....

BUT...

Nothing in common beyond that! I'm a fitness buff (lift HEAVY weights -- can out-squat a lot of men!), gun-lover, bow-and-arrow lover, Harley-riding, beer-drinking, get in there and fix it yourself, jeans and tank-top gal... 

He was a polo-wearing, country-club goer, golfer, gin-and-tonic drinker (top shelf only), hire-everything-out for repairs, slacks and loafers kind of guy. Whose idea of lifting weights was 8-10-12 pound dumbbells. 

I sleep nude, he wore Ralph Lauren jammies .

He was LD. I was HD.

We're divorced after 2 kids and 20 years. Best decision of my life.

I am now in a LTR with the love of my life, sexy, hot, hunter, Harley riding, gun shooting, bow shooting, field dressing, animal-loving, survivalist (still well educated and successful businessman). Not to mention smart, funny, non-judgmental, passionate, and sensitive. And did I mention the sexiest man I ever laid eyes on and the hottest sex life ever? (And we BOTH sleep nude, tangled in each other's arms and legs every night )

Point is? Don't settle any longer! Somewhere out there is your perfect mate. You settled. Just like I did. It sucks.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

It totally sucks!! Nice input


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dude I know exactly where you are coming from. looking back I married my ex because she filled needs I had at that time. She married me for the same reason. As the marriage developed the differences began to grow. She is a very conventional, thinking inside the box person. She wanted a corporate go getter, with a steady paycheck to supply her with the finer things in life she felt she deserved.
I tried to be that for several years and was trying to be that when I met her. I almost died and decided to start my own business so I wouldn't miss out on seeing my kids grow up. 
She never really accepted that. Despite never missing out on a vacation or anything else, she missed the paycheck and always wanted me to "get a job". 
My business provided for my family very well for many years. Then the mortgage meltdown completely blindsided me, as well as the most of the rest of the country. I was forced to file bankruptcy, after liquidating savings, stocks and retirement accounts to avoid it. Her reaction was "do what you have to do, I don't want to know about it"
After the BK, I really started to question so many of my previously held beliefs. I found that most of them were based on an incomplete understanding the world and my place it in. I began to form new beliefs based on my new experiences of almost dying physically and financially. 
I found that I could not discuss these new beliefs with my ex, since she utterly rejected them. She stuck to the conventional wisdom. Eventually I got to a place with her that I simply felt incapable of communicating anything to her since everything I had to say was met with rejection or even borderline ridicule.
I had some genuine anxiety about our relationship and how she had come to treat me. We could never talk about them, as almost every discussion became and argument which usually ended with her saying "I am doing the best I can and if you don't like it, I am leaving!" followed by an apology by me and another unresolved issue left to fester.
The relationship finally ended when she did something that I did not have the courage to do - she left. I was devastated but I am now recovering. I an realizing how much better off I am not being with someone I was now not compatible with. I deserve to be happy and loved and so does she. I may not always accept it, but it is true.
You too deserve to be happy and loved, as does your wife. Your wife and the MC may not agree now, but then again neither did I for quite some time.
Personally I think the MC has too much ego in the game. I really think they should be looking to resolve the issue, even if it involves separation, dissolution or divorce. It takes two happy people to make a successful relationship. The relationship should contribute to the happiness of both people involved. When it doesn't the happiness of the individuals should take precedence over the relationship. Your MC is doing both your wife and yourself a disservice by insisting you stay in the marriage.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yeah and worse than all that I think my MC has the hots for me and I'm not joking. Dude


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

Dude007 said:


> Yeah and worse than all that I think my MC has the hots for me and I'm not joking. Dude


That seems... Odd. The kind of odd that is unlikely and may be a reflection of your desires rather than accurate reading of the situation.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nope I'm just that cool!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Yes it happens all the time. We were young when we met , in college. The physical attraction was amazing and sometimes still is till this day but the values totally different.
When i look back I should have thought more carefully

He is careless with money, rather spend now worry later, I am the opposite, I like to save and be careful with money.
He likes to drink and party, I don't mind a bit of fun and can have a drink or two but will consider if i have work in the morning or not, to take care of kids, etc
He is a risk taker, I am risk averse
He can be aggressive when angry, I am very verbal, he withdraws
I like plays, theatre, etc, he would rather go drinking with his buddies

What do we have in common, nothing except out kids, though we do like holidays together and get on well during those.


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