# So I screwed up- what now



## blownup (May 29, 2015)

So I have mightily screwed up. I have hurt my wife severely and am now lost with how to proceed, and what to do. 

The backstory:
Mid 30s. Married nearly 13 years. 2 kids under 8. No issues ever. No serious fights, some bickering. Lots of respect. Good love life. I do as much as I can when I work. 

The entire story:

I was sent to NYC for business for 6 weeks. The first two weeks were very rough. I was depressed being away from my family. My wife encouraged me to make new friends. So one night I was at the sports bar to watch a game, and randomly met someone ( a girl) that knew someone I knew in passing back home from several years ago. That girl was a bit crazy and out there, but one of the friends she was with and I started talking. 

We became quick friends. She knew I was married, kids, happy etc. I was just looking for a friend in a new place. She had just broken up with her long term relationship, her roomate/best friend just told her she was never really a friend and she was also in a place where she just needed someone to talk to. All extremely innocent. We exchanged numbers at the end of the night. 

I told my wife about her, and even told her I had offered to help her move a futon to her apartment with her landlord. Anyways, me and this girl started texting. Mostly about our own lives. Me about how great my wife is. Our marriage. Our kids. My work. She about her relationships, family, background etc. From the beginning there was nothing flirtatious or sexual. The girl at first asked me if I was allowed to have friends that were girls. As a guy that seemed ridiculous. Of course I could have friends that are girls. I have friends that are girls at home. My wife knows about them all, how is this any different. 

I helped her with the futon. We continued to text now several times a day. Still friendly banter or me giving my opinion on her abusive alcoholic ex who she was still seeing. Lines were clearly defined from the beginning and we were comfortable just to have someone new to talk to, and new perspectives. 

I met her and her friends at a bar for an hour one night, and again all friendly. Nothing flirtatious. Was trying to hook her up with a new guy, and then eventually helping her sway off another suitor. This carried on. All via text. Had seen her now three total times. She after 4 weeks convinced me to try hot yoga with her for a free class. I went. Still nothing flirtatious or sexual in nature. Just friendly banter. This girl kept telling me how great my wife was, and how she wanted to meet her if she came out to visit. 

I actually found myself believing that talking to this new friend was strengthening my own relationship with my wife. I would brag constantly. I'd feel so lucky I had my wife in my life. I couldn't wait to get home. 

I was now easily surpassing 50 messages a day of mindless texting.
Told my wife about the couple of times I saw, and about the hot yoga. In my mind I was doing everything right, not hiding anything. Unfortunately at week 5 I was to be extended 2 more weeks for 8 total weeks. I was super bummed, but still excited to get to fly home for the long weekend with wife and kids. Dreading the return flight back to NYC. 

Finally after 6 weeks of missing my wife like crazy, I flew home. It was a great late night with my wife. A great morning getting the kids ready for school, and back into the routine. I talked to my wife a bit more about this new friend. However, I continued with the texting of this new friend. I didn't think anything of it. When I was with my wife and kids, my focus was solely on them, and when they were off doing something, I found myself texting this girl telling her what I was doing with the family, and just continuing the friendly banter. 

Well, later that night as I was in the shower my wife came in angrier than I've ever seen her. She had checked my phone and was beyond mad that I could be texting with someone so much. It was at that moment I knew I had F-ed up royally. 

We stayed up all night. Her being angry me telling her she was absolutely right. I answered all her questions- what did we talk about, why was I talking to her, what was aI getting out of it, etc. as honestly as I could. This stung. Basically I had realized I was teetering on I guess what could be described as an emotional affair. 

She sent the girl a text telling her how mad she was. Very well written. My friend responded to her apologizing profusely, and singing my wife's praises. Hopefully that reassured my wife nothing beyond what I say happened, but unfortunately I can't even prove what I say. 

In addition to the 100 texts from the day she had read, I had gotten into the habit at the beginning of the trip to just delete the days messages I didn't need from anyone who wasn't important when I left work. That included her messages. Why was I deleting messages that weren't suspicious. Makes it look even far worse. The weekend was rough. I tried to be there for her. I gave up my phone all weekend, so she could she I didn't care about anything other than her. Telling her I understand her anger and frustration. We sat together and she had me read the messages between herself and the new friend. It ended with her saying the friendship was over. I agreed with her, and sat with her and deleted all contacts and messages from my phone. 

Anyways, my wife is devastated. How could I do such a thing. She was so mad that she was so easy going and allowed me to have a friend, and that how could I love her and miss her so much, yet be texting another girl the day I got back so much. She had a tough time being alone while I was gone, and this is what she gets from her partner in crime. 

In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter. Maybe its a man's way of thinking vs. a woman's.

There were clearly defined lines, and those were the lines I grew up with as knowing as the lines of infidelity. However, I quickly realized once I stepped 1" outside of my own little head just how wrong this type of relationship is. It clearly does not matter if it was not sexual or physical in nature. I was still sharing part of myself with someone else that was not my wife. This could have possibly led to something else a month from now? a year from now? The reality of it kicked me in the nuts, and thats only half of the pain I feel. I've never been more heartbroken for what I am putting her through. At a time when I have never been more in love or infatuated with her, I've ruined it all. 

There is no fighting her feeling on this one. You can't attack how a person feels. I screwed up though, and readily admit it. Hopefully now onto recovery, which I want for selfish reasons to be immediate. 

It has now been a week since her discovery. I have since flown back to NY, and am missing her incredibly. I'm so sad at how distant she is now. Her stress. Her anxiety. I understand why though. She hasn't told me she loved me. She will now doubt everything or every reason I will do things for her. She now doubts everything I said to her. I have broken her trust. 

So now what do I do. 

It's hard since I'm away for another week. I am trying to give her her space. Letting her know however she feels is natural. If she needs to scream at me at 4am, call me. If she wants my passwords, she can have them. If she wants my messages to go to her, fine. I want to fight to show her she is my everything. 

I know its hard to live in generalities, but how long will she be so devastated. How long til she tells me she loves me. I want to help and support her through this time, and not be pushy, but I also don't want this to take control of her thoughts and life. 

Honestly, the insensitive man side of me says "get over it already, you're over reacting to nothing", but the husband chivalrous side of me knows that I need to give her as much space as possible. 

Men- how did you get through this without your own life spiraling

Women- Did you get through this? Anything I need to be doing more or less of? I was just able to recover the final 2 days of messages from a hidden archive (there are no more days), do you think I should send her the transcripts at this point? Would knowing exactly what was said help in anyway? I'd be happy to show them to her, as outside of the numbers (120 over 2 days), they are all innocent and sort of back up my side in that it was completely innocent friendly banter. 


Thanks for reading and letting me vent it out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

[I don't mean to disrespect you or your post but I cannot help but get the overwhelming feeling there are many things in those texts that shouldn't have been there.]

But I digress....

Yes, you have screwed up and betrayed your wife's trust and confidence in you and she is furious- as she should. 

What can you do?

1. Own up fully to what you have done. Hold nothing back.
2. Let your wife be furious at you. She has to let this run its course so she can decide what she wants to do.
3. If it comes to a separation, don't try and talk her into staying. She needs her space. BUT, if you do, avoid 100% all contact with any other women as you may be called to account for such things as a condition of reconciliation.
4. This, now, is all about your wife. It's all her call. You need to be contrite (from the heart). I would say not to act like nothing has happened or push how sorry you are every minute of the day. Lay low, be very humble, let her lead. If she can forgive you somewhat, in time, things will return pretty much to normal.
5. Remember, she has a right to wonder just what she isn't being told. Whether it's noting or something, you need to be fully and 110% transparent. Whatever she wants, whenever she wants is what it will be. Forever.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Send her what you have.


And continue to

Be reassuring about your feelings for her
Be understanding
Be apologetic
Be transparent
Show remorse

and 

Don't do it again

That is the start to rebuild the trust you just destroyed. Don't push her timetable. If your relationship with your W was as good as you say, she will get over it...in due time.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

blownup said:


> When I was with my wife and kids, my focus was solely on them, and when they were off doing something, I found myself texting this girl telling her what I was doing with the family, and just continuing the friendly banter.
> .....
> 
> In addition to the 100 texts from the day she had read, I had gotten into the habit at the beginning of the trip to just delete the days messages I didn't need from anyone who wasn't important when I left work. That included her messages. Why was I deleting messages that weren't suspicious.
> ...


You were already in an EA. The above shows you this & also shows that your BW sees it very clearly. 'How could I love her and miss her so much, yet be texting another girl the day I got back so much?' This is the crux.

Every spare minute away from your family you spent thinking about and communicating with another woman. She was actively in your life, taking up large chunks of your headspace.

This is a betrayal and shows you the slippery slope.

Your BW is correct. You are correct as well; you have seriously screwed up. You were away for what amounts to just a few weeks & this is what you do. It didn't take much at all for you to replace your W. This is what your W is thinking and feeling.

Start reading 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. There are insights there and advice that will help you.

In the meantime, make sure that you do everything you can to show your remorse. I bet that you will want to contact the OW. If you do, that is another sign that this was completely inappropriate.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You grovel. Big time.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You grovel. Big time.


In a nutshell. :grin2:


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## blownup (May 29, 2015)

Thanks for the responses and advice so far. Good advice and direction. Kind of reassures me I'm doing what I need to do, and gives me some ideas on how to take it further. Definitely not taking any of the advice lightly. Very much appreciated. 

Absolutely no disrespect taken about questioning what was in those texts/messages. I mean my actions leave me with nothing but my word to rely on, and my word can't exactly be trusted right? There absolutely was nothing ever sexual or flirtatious. Of course I can't go back and read to see with a clear mind exactly what the conversations entailed to really break down the inappropriateness. Of course, thats the analyzer in me that wants to fine tooth comb it, but ultimately it was all inappropriate no matter what was said. Actions trump words. 

I have had zero want or need to contact the OW. My wife said everything that needed to be said. The OW apologized profusely to my wife, gave her the reassuring words as well that there was nothing physical, no intentions etc, and took her lumps when my wife slapped her around a little bit and told her the friendship was over. I'm fairly certain she too has kept her distance but her number is blocked from my contacts anyways so even if she tried I wouldn't know. If she does try to contact me through other means, my wife will be the first to know. Honestly, I'm not yearning for one last final word or goodbye. I didn't know her 4 weeks ago, it doesn't effect me not knowing her now. 

I am going to be 100% transparent. It's difficult to do being away again in the place where it happened. Im just going to be completely honest about everything with her. She will while I'm home have access to any and everything. I will not be defensive if she asks where I was, who I was with, who I talked to. I never have before, and still have nothing to hide. On weekends and nights My phone will be in her purse and off my body because I have nothing to hide, and selfishly I did really like not having my phone last weekend and feeling tied to work and outside world at all times, but thats a whole selfish side of it. 

Mostly, and the biggest challenge is going to be the time it takes until she is ready. I know that today is a better day, and tomorrow may not be. I have to accept the roller coaster of emotions. I want nothing more than to go get her initials tattooed all over my body, and spring for a trip to hawaii for vow renewals and buy her a new huge wedding ring, all things I have been trying to make happen over the past few weeks before this whole predicament, but I have to give her the space that she needs to decide to accept what I am and will be to her. 

It certainly helps to be able to at least vent it all out. Yes it is anonymous, and I'd prefer it to be to people I know, but this isnt exactly the sort of thing I need to be springing on friends either. While my honesty may get me railed here, I'd rather be honest here, than sugar coat for others in person.

Now is ir right knee forward or left knee forward on the groveling front?


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Some of us have been where you are.

You have a healthy approach to this. Keep it up.

JMO, but hold off on the big gestures for a little while. When things blow over a bit they will be received a lot better and have more traction.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Can someone really be this naive? 

Had no idea? 

Totally innocent? 

Maybe so but it begs the limits of incredulity. 

I hope you are being honest with yourself because if not your wife will not find you believable.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blownup said:


> We stayed up all night. Her being angry me telling her she was absolutely right. I answered all her questions- what did we talk about, why was I talking to her, what was aI getting out of it, etc. as honestly as I could. This stung. Basically I had realized I was teetering on I guess what could be described as an emotional affair.


You were not teetering on what is descried as an emotional affair. You were knee deep in the middle of an emotional affair. What you did is what an emotional affair is. Not all emotional affairs are about some kind of deep love. They are often just two people getting their emotional needs met.

Your affair partner (AP), the other woman (OW.. yes she’s a “woman” not a girl, unless she’s younger than 18) might actually be in love. She sounds like a bit of a basket case and you probably look pretty stable and nice compared to the other men in her life.

You two built a strong emotional connection. How much do you miss the contact you had with the OW? She was filling some of your emotional needs while your wife was not around. It’s not a far leap from there to sex.



blownup said:


> In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter.


I’m not buying the “innocence” thing. Sharing personal emotions with a woman is flirtatious. Sexual innuendos and such are not needed to be flirtatious. 100’s a texts a day/week are flirtatious.

Until you can admit that it was not innocent, that you were seeking to have your needs met, that you loved the attention, that is was not really innocent… you will not be able to protect yourself and marriage from this happening again. In order to protect, you need to know the root cause. One is that you were alone, lonely, and you were somewhere that you could easily get away with it. But the other part is that you really liked it. You sought it out once you started to get that feel-good that comes from a new emotional attachment with a woman.



blownup said:


> In the innocence of it all I never realized that the texting I was doing was anything more than friendly, non sexual, non flirtatious banter. Maybe its a man's way of thinking vs. a woman's.


You say two different things here. The quote above you say that well maybe it’s just that women (your wife) thinks it’s wrong. But basically you say that’s not how men think. 

Then in the below quote you say that you knew it was wrong because you were taught what the lines are when you were growing up.



blownup said:


> There were clearly defined lines, and those were the lines I grew up with as knowing as the lines of infidelity. However, I quickly realized once I stepped 1" outside of my own little head just how wrong this type of relationship is. It clearly does not matter if it was not sexual or physical in nature. I was still sharing part of myself with someone else that was not my wife. This could have possibly led to something else a month from now? a year from now? The reality of it kicked me in the nuts, and thats only half of the pain I feel. I've never been more heartbroken for what I am putting her through. At a time when I have never been more in love or infatuated with her, I've ruined it all.


The reason it did not feel wrong to you is that it felt good to you. You liked it. So it was easy to rationalize that the OW was ‘just a friendship’.

I don’t think that the way your wife is thinking is different from how men think about emotional affairs. Not at all. Take some time out and imagine yourself in the opposite position. You are away and your wife is carrying on with a male “friend” in exactly the same way you carried on with the OW. Or you are not away on travel, but going to work every day. And while you are at work, you wife is doing what you did with some hot guy. Let that play in your head for a while. If you are honest with yourself, you will come to feel what she feels.



blownup said:


> There is no fighting her feeling on this one. You can't attack how a person feels. I screwed up though, and readily admit it. Hopefully now onto recovery, which I want for selfish reasons to be immediate.
> 
> It has now been a week since her discovery. I have since flown back to NY, and am missing her incredibly. I'm so sad at how distant she is now. Her stress. Her anxiety. I understand why though. She hasn't told me she loved me. She will now doubt everything or every reason I will do things for her. She now doubts everything I said to her. I have broken her trust.


You seem to think that recovery is a foregone path here. Keep in mind that your wife might chose not to go for recovery. Divorce rates after infidelity are pretty high. In some ways emotional affairs are far more damaging then something like a one night stand.



blownup said:


> So now what do I do.


There is a book that I think will help you and your wife.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity after Infidelity Paperback – by Shirley P. Glass 



blownup said:


> I know its hard to live in generalities, but how long will she be so devastated. How long til she tells me she loves me. I want to help and support her through this time, and not be pushy, but I also don't want this to take control of her thoughts and life.


Recovery from an affair can take 2-5 years. Yep.. that long. It’s a painful process for the betrayed spouse. Tehre cannot be full recovery until you prove to your wife that you can be trusted. IT takes a long time to rebuild trust.

About 50% of all betrayed spouses go on to have what is called a revenge affair. It’s sort of a kind of insanity that sets in where the BS is so devastated, feels so worthless, that their subconscious tells that a RA is the only way to get their equilibrium back. It seldom does anything but causes more damage. But it happens far too often.



blownup said:


> Honestly, the insensitive man side of me says "get over it already, you're over reacting to nothing", but the husband chivalrous side of me knows that I need to give her as much space as possible.


The above shows that you still do not get how huge a transgression your EA was. You think that you are being chivalrous in accepting that she’s having a hard time? You are not at a place where real recovery can start because you do not realize what you have done. 

Go back to that imagining that your wife is doing exactly what you did. Feel that.



blownup said:


> Men- how did you get through this without your own life spiraling


How can your wife’s life be in a free fall spiral and yours not be? You are in a spiral. You just don’t seem to know it yet. The spiral has hardly started. What is a week out of 2-5 years of recovery?

Just to give you a measure of what it’s like for your wife. When I discovered my husband’s affair I could not even go to work for 2 weeks. I spend the next 6 months going through the motions at work and at home with the children. When I was at work, I just stared at my computer for 8 hours. Thank goodness I had a good team who covered for me. Then I want to a doc and got on anti-depressants. It was another 6 months before I was even 70% back to my normal level of functioning. That’s the first year. And no I’m not just some kind of whinny emo-chick. This is pretty typical for the first year of recovery for most men and women.



blownup said:


> Women- Did you get through this? Anything I need to be doing more or less of? I was just able to recover the final 2 days of messages from a hidden archive (there are no more days), do you think I should send her the transcripts at this point? Would knowing exactly what was said help in anyway? I'd be happy to show them to her, as outside of the numbers (120 over 2 days), they are all innocent and sort of back up my side in that it was completely innocent friendly banter.


There is a good chance that there are a lot more messages that could be recovered from your phone. 

Don’t tell your wife that she can have your passwords if she wants them. Send her an email with all of them. (do it in way that protects them if anyone gets ahold of the email). Or pass them on some other way like a password protected file on dropbox or some other space on the cloud.

Tell her about every account you have on the internet.

Give her the passwords for any computer equipment you might have at home as well so that she can check them while you are away if she wants.

My bet is that you wife is struggling with some basics here. Most people who cheat lie. They lie when asked. They lie when the BS is sitting there with boxes of solid evidence. People who cheat usually only admit to what their BS has found out. So your wife found out that you has an EA going on for a few weeks. She does not know what was in those hundreds of texts. She does not know if you are telling the truth that you never dated this woman or had sex with her. She does not know if the OW is the only woman you have done this with.

Yes I know that you said you told her everything. My husband told me that he told me everything every time I found new evidence. I don’t think that he ever offered any info that I had not found out first through some other source. Because of this I have never trusted him again. We are now divorced.

You seem to think that your wife’s reaction is a woman’s thing. I think you need to read a lot of the posts on the Coping With Infidelity Forum. Most of them are written by men whose wives have cheated. See how the men react. See that other men tell them to do. How men tell men to handle it when they are cheated on. This should be a real eye opener for you.

I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m trying to give you a dose of reality that will hopefully save your marriage.


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

If it was me...

yeah, I'd share those last texts.

but more importantly, I would go home. ASAP.

Tell your boss there's a family emergency and you HAVE to go home for a few days. Yes, it'll cost you some money now but it's cheap in the long run. Just go home. Tell your wife you're sorry, you love her, and just be there...even if she's cool for a time.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You were not teetering on what is descried as an emotional affair. You were knee deep in the middle of an emotional affair. What you did is what an emotional affair is. Not all emotional affairs are about some kind of deep love. They are often just two people getting their emotional needs met.
> 
> 
> I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m trying to give you a dose of reality that will hopefully save your marriage.


Exactly, if you are so unaware as you seem to imply, then you are only beginning to understand the damage you have caused, because it is extensive.

God forbid this would be your wife but the hurt and resentment from an event like this can be a main impetus in an affair years later by the wronged partner. 

Any insecurity or paranoia about it will only make it worse.

It smashes intimacy and shatters trust and respect. You have every reason to show a proper sense of urgency here.



I’m not trying to be mean here. I’m trying to give you a dose of reality that will hopefully save your marriage.[/QUOTE]

Exactly, if you are so unaware as you seem to imply, then you are only beginning to understand the damage you have caused, because it is extensive.

God forbid this would be your wife but the hurt and resentment from an event like this can be a main impetus in an affair years later by the wronged partner. 

Any insecurity or paranoia on your part about it will only make it worse, its a terrible no win situation.

It smashes intimacy and shatters trust and respect. You have every reason to show a proper sense of urgency here.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Did you call the OW any affectionate names or compliment her or vice versa? You know, was there any explicit indication you or she were falling for one another? Any "I wish I could find a guy like you" stuff?


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

You may be able to achieve her forgiveness, but I can tell you with great authority that you will NEVER regain the level of trust that existed before - NEVER.

Perhaps the "new level" of trust/distrust can be something that you can both live with - only you two know - but the simplest way to keep the horses in the barn is NOT to open the door to begin with.

Hate to sound condescending or like a mother or a father, but "you should've thought about that before".


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

Decorum said:


> Exactly, if you are so unaware as you seem to imply, then you are only beginning to understand the damage you have caused, because it is extensive.
> 
> God forbid this would be your wife but the hurt and resentment from an event like this can be a main impetus in an affair years later by the wronged partner.
> 
> ...


Exactly, if you are so unaware as you seem to imply, then you are only beginning to understand the damage you have caused, because it is extensive.

God forbid this would be your wife but the hurt and resentment from an event like this can be a main impetus in an affair years later by the wronged partner. 

Any insecurity or paranoia on your part about it will only make it worse, its a terrible no win situation.

It smashes intimacy and shatters trust and respect. You have every reason to show a proper sense of urgency here.[/QUOTE]



I just wonder how many spouses that are in EAs actually do realize it. I would guess that a lot of them just don't realize it.

Some deny, deny and deny, but I wonder how many really do know that it's an EA - even when denying....


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I can understand needing to talk to someone....being away from home and family....you should have found a guy.

I had a 1 week training years ago. It was 1st time being away from my wife and son. There were no other employees from my region...no one I knew. I was alone.

I spent the night in my room...ate by my self...after dealing all day with training in supervising rapists and pedaphiles...which I feel so strongly against that I believe they should be executed.

The Dr. said it was like PTSD...that I emotionally shut down for protection. I felt nothing...I was numb. When I got home I had no emotional bond toward my wife or child. It scared the crap out of me. It took about 3 days to start to feel normal.

I can understand the overwhelming need to talk to someone....find a guy.

Why don't you use recovery APS to recover the deleted texts on your phone yo show your wife?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You should not assume that your BW needs 'space,' in my opinion. Only if she has expressly told you that she wants space should you go that route. If she hasn't insisted that you back off for a while, it is the last thing you should do. She will believe that you are pulling away from her and want to be with the OW.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You want to be perceived that you were totally innocent and one thing lead to another until you just happened to be in knee deep. B.S., no guy goes through the motions of making a "friend in a new place" then go on to exchange numbers and take things from there without a direct intention. Extremely innocent my ass. Good luck getting out of it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You are deluding yourself "in the innocence of it all" , what utter rubbish. Why don't you text your wife over 50-100 messages a day, because you couldn't be assed and were thrilled 
that this new exciting bit of stuff give you attention and you reciprocated and fooled yourself into thinking it was all ok because you praised your wife. 

This is 'cheating' no other name for it, you have crossed a line as this is an emotional affair. You are spending time engaging with this woman when you could have been engaging with your wife. So stop kidding yourself and trying to minimize what you have done, you have screwed up royally and have to do all you can to make it right with your wife. It will take time for your poor wife to ever trust you again, because you have betrayed her trust big time and then you say it is innocent, etc Please!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OP hasn't been back, perhaps because he thinks we are too alarmist (?).

If so, he will quickly learn that his BW's hurt is deep and her trust in him is gone. If you are not on the receiving end of it, you can easily minimize it, as he has been doing.


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