# Is there any closure?



## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Just wondering for any guys out there, dealing now for a while with a wifes affair, have you found any closure other than the normal advice given here?

I find myself more and more coming down to one conclusion. Confrontation. Not with the wife, but with the other man. I know how to find Him, I know His number, e-mail, address, license plate tag, everything. I did my homework.

More and more, as I am not coming out of this off and on funk, for the past year, I am longing to just get face to face time with Him. I know He won't agree, so I would have to just make myself somewhere that He is. 

It wouldn't be hard, as I know His routines, hangouts, friends, job, all of it.

Just wondering if anyone has tried this approach. I see myself getting nowhere trying to close out my feelings and getting into a better state of mind with the wife and Her alone. I think my therapist is just enjoying money now, and I am about to quit that all together.

Please don't read this as a threat of violence, but the only time I have ever talked to this *******, is once, for about 2 minutes, while Me and the Wife ran into Him in a public place, during the EA/PA, but before I knew. That is what makes the thought also so bad.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you have that level of detail I'd use it to send a note all those people basically outing him as a scumbag who sleeps with married women.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The Internet too is a great place to document who he is and what he choose to do, and to document it forever.

Create a blog and post about him and his actions with your cheating wife,

That way it will stay with his digital foot print forever.

A much better action than a single in person act,


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

That would just make matters even more hard on me I think.
I don't really want to be outed as, "that guy that got screwed around on".

I like the way that it is kinda just my issue....


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

I kinda see how what I just said seems shallow, but this is indeed a small town.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

FLGator said:


> That would just make matters even more hard on me I think.
> I don't really want to be outed as, "that guy that got screwed around on".
> 
> I like the way that it is kinda just my issue....


If the victim refuses to act against the attacker, they are just enabling him to do it again.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

FLGator said:


> I kinda see how what I just said seems shallow, but this is indeed a small town.


Thing is it is likely already known that you got cheated on. So you already are known as that guy. What you can do is change it into, an he took action.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

That is I guess why I am of the mind to confront Him. I am not a huge huge guy, but I think that 6'2 190lbs is going to get listened to, especially if it is an unexpected face to face.

I don't know if I want to see His face in person? Get an apology? Gauge His face for a reaction.....I just don't know what I want from this guy...but I have been thinking it is something for a while now.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

To be blunt. 

Your post reads: 
"My wife is Fing this guy, and I study the guy all the time, but am afraid to deal with the real issue. My wife."

Your wife made the vow. Your wife owns the mess. The longer you wait the worse it gets.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Small town ? I assure you over half the town knew about her affair before you did
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Are you with your wife still ?

If not, then as I have been told numerous times. You need to detach and move on. 

Lets make this simple.. I'm the other man..

Yea, what ? 
I fvcked your wife and she sucked my d1ck.. She moaned like a wh0re she was.. She told me 100's of times she loved the taste of my c0ck over yours.. She let me do things to her that she would never let you do. I even had a friend of mine over one night as well. 

So what are you gonna do about it !?

You confront this man and this is what you get.. WTF are you going to do ? Snap.. Choke the living day lights out of him. Shoot him in the face ? 

Don't do it. 

You think your having issues now. Imagine after something like that.. How crazy is that going to make you. 

What is going to happen when he gives you clear details about your wife likes and you know exactly what he is talking about. 

Don't do it.

Trust me, coming from a guy who is having a hard time detaching as well. Move on, get a date. 

Come here and vent, but there is zero reason to meet this man. He will not cower in fear as you might think. 

I am totally a different man from 3 months ago. I'm pretty much thin at 6'3" and 250 lbs. Meaning I don't have belly sticking out anymore. I have a straight stomach. End result I look much better and much better shape. The OM is 5'1" to 5'3" runt and even I do not expect him to cower down to me and trust me being a cop I have had enough fights in my career to not be afraid of anyone or under estimate anyone. 

There is nothing good that will come out of meeting him. He didn't care enough about you when he was fvcking your wife, he will care even less now. 

Its retarded me telling you while others were telling me not so long ago. You need to move on. Live a better life and show her you can live a better life without her. 

The grass is not greener on the other side. All they end up doing is conforming because they know they fvcked up and don't want to look like a bigger fool leaving the other man soon after leaving you. Assuming this is your situation. 

Don't do it..


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Holy ****, you were right, that was blunt.

Just to clarify. This was a year ago. We have tried the R, and She thinks it is going great, (I assume). We still have our issues, and I have major trust issues.

I am the one with the problem. I can't stop thinking about it now, and it is worse now, that this is like a one year anniversary for it.

We talked after I found out, argued, screamed, yelled, I got blamed, she felt bad, mad, sad, I moved out, moved back in. We have kids.

Well, it is a year. She will still talk to me whenever I want to, but usually it turns ugly. She still from time to time will bring up reasons why, mainly my doing. Hence, why I don't really talk about it to Her anymore. I just come here, read, and take my mind away from things.

I have tried a lot. I have also done a lot, I have not just sat and done nothing about it.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If the victim refuses to act against the attacker, they are just enabling him to do it again.


You really think that this will stop this guy from doing again ?

What exactly is the OP going to do to stop him ? What mystical words is he going to say that will make him see the light that he did not see the light before ? 

Will he some how give some words that will make his see the light and straighten out his moral compass ?

OP, I am very sorry but you already are the guy that got screwed around on. Like many other here. It already happen and there is nothing you can do to fix this past.

If your looking to fix this with your wife and you want to let the guy know you know. Then go confront him with your wife and then tell him. Let them both know, that YOU know. 

But if you wife is gone and you looking for some closure. Then learn what you did wrong if anything in your marriage/relationship and make sure it doesn't happen again in the next one. 

Look my wife and love of my life is leaving me after 19 years. I have no clue why beyond she does not love me anymore. On the way out the door she decides, not only does she not love me anymore. She decided after having 2 kids together that she doesn't even like me anymore. Why ? I have no fvcking clue ? 

I went to work and came home. I never looked at another women and trust me being a cop I have enough women looking my direction and I turned them ALL away. Even when out of state where my wife would have NEVER had known. My word is my bond. It is the only thing I have in my life. Plus I seen the pain this causes first hand from my father doing it to my mother. I would never want to cause such pain to someone, EVER.

So trust me I get your situation and your feelings. 

Again if your fighting to keep her then I understand. But if she is gone then try to move on. Trust me again I know its painful. Just look at my thread from yesterday and today. Its hard.. Very hard..


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Yes, we are working through it. It is just me that is having a pretty hard time, even after this long. It has come to the point that I don't want to even talk to Her about it anymore. I hate it, and sometimes Her. I know it sounds awful to say that, and I feel bad, but I can't help it.

I have been on this site before, when it first happened, and before confrontation. A lot happened, and I had to take some time.

I have been to therapy, still in, but thinking about giving it up.

I still think about it. I still think sometimes I am not doing something that needs to be done to make it better on my end. She acts now, as if it never happens, She is happy, says She loves me all the time. Normal. I act the same, because I don't want issues or more arguments. She is not an easy one to bring my questions, concerns to. I think Her actions hurt Her also, and she gets angry as a response, and I don't want to deal with it.

I now pretty much just bottle up my feelings. I can see certain things, hear the name, see a TV show that will remind me if I have been lucky enough to go a day or two without thinking about it, but it will always come back...I can never completely forget about it.

I am now, I guess running out of ideas. I thought a year would be more than enough time, but it seems now I am resorting to a confrontation or want of one more and more because this is the only thing I have not tried.

I don't even know if that is what I really want, because I am unsure of the true outcome....be it what you so bluntly put, or the fact that it may turn into a police issue that wouldn't help I am sure.

I know that she will be 100% against such action I take, but I would say that is more to the reason of Head-In-Sand syndrome. Also, it would embarrassing to Her....stupid I know.

I guess I am just looking for a way to get my insides right. I still feel sick to the stomach sometimes thinking about it, or when I look at Her. Not all the time, but it never leaves me, and I am afraid it will one day tear me and my kids apart, which is something I don't want and would be willing to do anything to prevent.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Sounds like she is blame shifting and that is why you are still hanging onto it.

What she and you need to have clear in your heads:
1. There are problems in every M. They never justify cheating.
2. Only one person made the choice to cheat.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

The problem being, I am having a hard time forming the above two statements into something coherent and delicate enough to bring to Her without me sounding weak, crybaby, harping as she may already think, and hence why she is "tired of living in the past", to use Her words.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Use my words if you like


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Or you could try
"I'm going to go fVck another woman. How long will it take you to get over it, so I know when to tell you to stop living in the past?"


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gator

I confronted the OM's. They were very good friends of mine.

Did I feel good at the time? Hell Yes.

Did that feeling last? Sadly no.

You are still having these issues because you have not dealt with the affair in a way that releases you from it.

The issue is really with your wife not him.

If I was still in your shoes after a year I would post his face and story on cheaterville.

ANd your wife is right that you should not confront him. You should confront her.

And when you two can discuss the affair without any fights, screaming or child like behavior then your Reconciliation is making progress.

I am glad you posted. I bet you find better answers here than with your IC.

Sorry to hear you are still hurting.

HM64


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Ovid,
I swear, if I didn't have children, and worry about leaving them, I have thought about a million times about saying something like that. I would never go out and do it, but man I have wished I could say something like that.

She has a **** ton of family over on the other coast, and it would be almost 100% of a guarantee that they would head that way before I got home from work. That is my biggest fear.

BTW, with a name like yours, I would assume you are in some sort of educational background? Not too many people know of how great He actually ranked up to the most well known and talked about poets.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

HM64,

Thank you for your input. I was really beginning to think I was crazy now for thinking that I may be alone in thinking the way I am. Good to hear from someone who took that step, even though, sadly it didn't make a difference.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You wouldn't believe my story/background if I told it. 

I'm actually a high school drop out.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I know how you feel FLG. I was just thinking about this very issue before I logged on. 

I want to confront the OM pretty badly. I feel stabbed in the back by him. He's a coward, a *********, and betrayed my hospitality. 

Best to wait it out I think, as the people here suggest. I'm not risking my voting rights and conceal carry privilege just to maybe have a chance to break his nose. I barely contained myself last time I saw him, and I didn't have even 5% of the truth then. Cheaterville is one of the few things we can do... I was pleased to see _someone else_ saw his profile there and posted it to another cheater site. I wonder who it was :scratchhead:


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Cheaterville is a good idea! I didn't know about that until this post! I am going to do that tonight and post it. Man. I see that you can even see how many people search names.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

If they have a facebook account it's always fun to make a facebook page with their most compromising details and send friend requests to their family...


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

FLG 

Does your wife go to counseling ? 

I agree coming up on one year and she thinks _"Living in the past"_ is total BS.. How the fvck could she even be so insensitive to someone she supposably loves and can't live without.

She needs to understand and accept that this will NOT be over in a year or two or three or four.. It will be over when you see she is remorseful for what she did. 

I don't know maybe because my wife is leaving me I'm a bit more sensitive, but if I fvcked up and got caught I would would be sucking my wive's a$$ everyday to let her know I was sorry. It would to be a point where she would tell me to stop. Much better then the other way around for sure.

Now I can tell you a year later, your a day late and dollar short.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> Gator
> 
> I confronted the OM's. They were very good friends of mine.
> 
> ...


If I remember your story correctly HM your confrontation involved giving them a serious smackdown one after the other.

And then turning up with gf/wife version 2 who was twice as hot as gf/wife 1.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

FLGator said:


> Holy ****, you were right, that was blunt.
> 
> Just to clarify. This was a year ago. *We have tried the R, and She thinks it is going great*, (I assume). We still have our issues, and I have major trust issues.
> 
> ...


So it's not really R is it?

No wonder she thinks it's going great, she shifted the blame onto you and takes no responsibility for what she did. The one undeniable fact is she betrayed you in the worst possible way, she can never deny that so she feels sad/mad/bad, maybe real emotions to her. But she isn't *owning up* to it. So you're not healing, instead you're shutting down and she continues on, thinking things are returning to normal.

*Question?* If she doesn't own up to what she has done, how do you expect to trust her in the future? SHE'S STILL NOT BEING HONEST WITH NOW!

She wants you to rug sweep, for her she probably knows you wont R because in your heart you don't want that, so she holds the aces. You continue on this path, nothing gets sorted. The situation and the *TRUE* reasons behind her betrayal remain unresolved and you're looking at a very dark future. 
Soon enough the insecurities will arise again, and if she feels she got away it, what's to stop her doing it again?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FLGator said:


> That would just make matters even more hard on me I think.
> I don't really want to be outed as, "that guy that got screwed around on".
> 
> I like the way that it is kinda just my issue....


The any confrontation may be counter-productive.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

She has said before she feels terrible. Wishes it never happened and is sorry. She even told me she is unsure how she would react if the tables were turned. What makes is bad, is that she I think doesn't want to bring it up. It's like she thinks it is some bad dream and she woke up from it. The dream is over and it's time to just go through the day. Well, I have not said it, but I feel the opposite. I feel as if I have been living in a dream for the past year that I can't wake up from. It is horrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

You wouldn't consider Her apologizing and saying she is sorry as Her owning up? I hammered her before about rationalization and she just threw back that I am rationalizing my actions for wanting to know everything so I can make myself feel better instead of focusing on working through things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

FLGator said:


> You wouldn't consider Her apologizing and saying she is sorry as Her owning up? I hammered her before about rationalization and she just threw back that I am rationalizing my actions for wanting to know everything so I can make myself feel better instead of focusing on working through things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Discussion is required to work through things. Especially things this damaging.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

A true sign of remorse would be a desire to help you deal with what she had done.

I find it telling that she cheated and you stayed, but you are worried that telling her how you really feel would cause her to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

What does that mean? I have a family, a mortgage and a great job. I am Mr. Family and love them all. I want things to not end like what happened to my parents when I was young, Hers, and a lot of America now. 

I fail to see how I am now doing something wrong. I am trying to make this work!!! Now it is starting to honestly sound like what she says, it's something I am/did do but the problem now seems I am keeping it going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

It means your afraid of offending your wife but she's not afraid of doing worse to you. Your intentions are admirable, but you really need to address the imbalance in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

:rofl:LOL :rofl::iagree:ON FaceBook what a concept :iagree:
Going to steal that idea!!!!!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> If I remember your story correctly HM your confrontation involved giving them a serious smackdown one after the other.
> 
> And then turning up with gf/wife version 2 who was twice as hot as gf/wife 1.


That is exactly how it went down.

And for those who do not believe in karma my best buddy that was banging my fiancé had her move in with him.

Her family disowned her. She got into drugs in a bad way.

She failed out of law school. 

My exbff had to have her evicted out of his own condo.

And the creme de la creme, the BFF ended up all alone. Lost his big paying job and became a volunteer fireman.

He got hurt on the job and went on disability.

He then had brain cancer and had to have the top of his head removed so the tumor could be cut out. A classmate sent me the pictures.

His speech is slurred and he Walks with a limp.

He cannot even drive a car.

He never married nor had kids.

His Mom and Dad died young. So he ended up all alone.

So do you believe in karma now???

And you know what I actually feel sorry for him.

But you get what you deserve in life.

HM64


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> That is exactly how it went down.
> 
> HM64


After seeing a karmic hammer drop like that, I'd pick the username 'Happyman' myself 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

FlG

Many in "true" R on these boards say it takes 2 - 5 years to come to some sort of terms with what happened - many still have flashes even after 20 yrs. And that, my friend is with the wife putting in the work and not rug-sweeping as it appears your wife has done. 

She's used your sense of morality and sense of duty to your kids in manipulating you into "putting it in the past". 

Not saying she's devious, but it's the easy path for HER. She just wants to forget it - as if it was a bad dream. But she has done, per your description, practically nothing except to apologize. In fact she put some of the blame on you. Not good for the long term. She's actually hurting the marriage if not herself by closing her eyes to the damage. 

If you have "no doubt" she would fly the coop if you were to merely express what Ovid suggested then she is the head of the household by default. I.E. she is the decider because your sense of duty won't allow you to leave. She doesn't have that sense. 

If the OM is married it might be worth contemplating calling her and asking if she knows of his affair with your wife.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> That is exactly how it went down.
> 
> And for those who do not believe in karma my best buddy that was banging my fiancé had her move in with him.
> 
> ...


OMG, this is a little more than karma, HM. More like you had a thunderous god of righteous retribution looking out for you...


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

FLGator said:


> You wouldn't consider Her apologizing and saying she is sorry as Her owning up? I hammered her before about rationalization and she just threw back that I am rationalizing my actions for wanting to know everything so I can make myself feel better instead of focusing on working through things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tracey Chapman. Sorry is all that you can say...

So she apologized and said sorry but said the reasons for doing what she did where because of you..partly

Her throwing back your questions at you when she should be answering them honestly and fully...

No that's not owning up


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You aren't alone in your feelings FlG, but you are wrong on 2 counts.

1. You won't get anything from a face to face confrontation. Nothing good will come of it, no matter what actually happens, and chances are that things would get worse.

2. You have not exhausted the other options available to you. You need to wade through more of the **** with your wife. Too bad for her if it makes her feel bad, or ashamed, she should. You were in the same situation, and you did not cheat. She made that choice all by herself. It is about her, not you.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

FLGator said:


> Holy ****, you were right, that was blunt.
> 
> Just to clarify. This was a year ago. We have tried the R, and She thinks it is going great, (I assume). We still have our issues, and I have major trust issues.
> 
> ...


You need an education to get through recovery.

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. Then you will have the tools to lead yourself and your WW out of this mess.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Thanks for these replies guys/gals, it really does help. I can not begin to tell you how good it feels to have a place to vent/talk, even just read that helps me get out of my head for a minute. Its almost like I am part of a football team...I don't feel so alone anymore.

I am planning to skip this weekend and talk to Her again this week, just don't want to do it on Easter, as we have company coming over...yay...

I will keep you guys updated, but I plan to ask a question that has been on my mind I think from the first minute.

Why Him. What made you pick this guy?

The reason I would ask is this. He is nothing, and I mean nothing like me. Not even within 1% looks, totally different tint, build, height, hair color, eye color, everything. While I know I make more money than Him, have a better home, car, and material stuff, He does alright in His own, but does not compare, if I am able to step outside my modesty. He doesn't come close to what I offer, have offered, and I know He couldn't. It is just bugging me to death.

Another question I am going to ask again....is if they ever talked about me, and if so, what was said. All I got the first couple times was, "no", "not really". This is not good enough, as I see it almost an impossibility that they didn't. I have no idea why I want or need to know these things, what they talked about but I do. 

I want to know the stuff they did together. I know for a fact they went to eat, see movies, but I want to know more. Again, some of you might think it is strange, but I want to know.

I almost feel like I want to torture myself, but then I think, "Hey, the less I wonder about, maybe the better off I will be". Does that sound normal to you guys? Did any of you actually really want to know almost a play by play? More than just what they did physically together? Am I weird for this? Do you guys think I am asking for trouble or answers to questions that won't help me, but maybe hurt me?

I have googled for days, months and have not found anything really on the subject of a person WANTING to know more about a affair and what went on during it.

I know I am not over it, as I still run Her E-mails, even the old ones through search sites to see what hits come up, I google Her name, and known usernames, and click images to see what comes up, His name also. I check phone records almost weekly. These are signs I think that I am doing this R wrong. That maybe the above questions will help? Help me stop? Am I looking/hoping for evidence? Sometimes I don't know whats wrong with me. Why I am still like this.

I do need to toughen up though I guess, as a resounding result of the replies I have read yell. I do want to, and I know you probably think I am too weak already, but I find it hard to put my mind around possibly not having my kids each day. I would sell my soul to a lawyer before I let that happen./

I am going to stop for now, as a couple beers, and I can tell I am rambling on....not even sure anyone of you guys will get to the bottom of this post. Sorry no TLR section here this time.

As always, thanks for just allowing me to post. This is helping more than you know.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Get MMSLP. Picking him wasn't a rational choice. She probably can't even articulate why, especially not right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

FLGator said:


> Yes, we are working through it. It is just me that is having a pretty hard time, even after this long.


Generally it takes the BS 2--5 years to recover from the WS's affair. The fact that you are still having problems at this stage is expected.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

FLGator said:


> I will keep you guys updated, but I plan to ask a question that has been on my mind I think from the first minute.
> 
> Why Him. What made you pick this guy?
> 
> ...


Just about every betrayed spouse feels the need to ask these questions. You should ask these questions. I will give you some of the most common answers that people post here:

What made her pick this guy? He made her feel wanted and desired in a way she hasn't felt in a while. He made her feel good about herself. He complimented her and showed strong desire for her. It was just like when you and her started dating, it was new and exciting and there was a lot of passion. Life and marriage with you had become routine and a little stale and boring. Any guy who came along and did that could have had the affair with her at that point in time.

Did she and he ever talk about you? As hard as this is to believe, many affair partners rarely talk about the betrayed spouse. They only talk about the betrayed spouse in order to plan their meet-ups. For example, "no, we can't meet Tuesday, my husband is taking us out to dinner, how about Wednesday?" IF TRUE that this is all they talked about you, this is a good sign. It means she was not all that unhappy with you and likely never saw other man as a viable option, just a second alternate fantasy life that she was having for fun, because it felt good, and because she felt she would never be found out. Does that agree with your experience? Did your wife end the affair immediately when confronted?

What did they do together? It sounds from what you've posted, they had dates. They went out to dinner, saw a movie. What else? Sex? Other man complimenting your wife and telling how hot and sexy she is and that he loves her and your wife doing same? That would be my guess.

About wanting to know the details. I did not write the following, I'm not sure who did, but it's been around for a while. Consider editing this to fit your situation and giving it to her to explain why you need the details:

_Dear Wife, 

I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. 

No one wants to be forced to 'look' at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn’t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn’t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I’m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes. 

You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. 

You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you’re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the 'STUFF' to figure out OUR reality. There isn’t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don’t have. 

Now let’s enter my reality. Let’s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. 

To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever 'feel' complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. 

When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don’t worry about it, it’s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what’s the difference, it’s not important. 

Then later when I’m expected to understand the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. 

You wonder why I can’t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it. 

So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don’t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. 

I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier. 

So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. 

It doesn’t come from jealousy, it doesn’t come from spitefulness, and it doesn’t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn’t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn’t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can’t and the reason I can’t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world.​_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude. read your post on another thread. You would leave but for your kids and you are a year in it. You said you are dying.

You say late 20s. Statistically you will live ~55 years. Its time to file D and move on man.

YOU ARE GOING TO WASTE YOUR LIFE. 

CUT IT THE **** OUT.

You are at a PRIME age to heal, recover, and start over. Your kids will know you are dying btw. They are far more perceptive than you think.

Ill give you my usual script v2.0 life after.

Either die every day, bit by bit FOR THE NEXT 55 YEARS OR...

I want you to imagine something. Close your eyes dammit. Think on this.
On May 6, 2013, after a long weekend you decide NOT to waste your life.
On June 14, 2013, you file.
On June 15, 2013, you tell the kids. Yes they cry.
On June 22, 2013 you move out.
On July 4, you visit a buddy at a house party. You flirt with a girl. She flirts back. Nothing happens but your ego goes from 0% to 5%. You didnt feel your heart move from 0% to 1% but it did.
On July 15 that same buddy has another house party and the same girl is there. You flirt, talk, and she gives no resistance. She fvcks you in your car. Your ego EXPLODES from 5% to 60%! Poon is SUPERGLUE for your ego. Suddenly you couldnt care less if your STBXW did a midget, a shemale, and a goat at the same time.

You feel like a new man. Colors are brighter, your confidence SHOT UP, suddenly things will be alright. The every other weekend thing with the kids is also more fun after the hookup for no reason you can put your finger on.

August 15 same thing happens a differrent girl. Ego goes from 60% to 90%. Thinking on just how good you feel you realize your heart has also risen from 0% to 40% and you didnt even notice until now. 

September You date a girl 3 times nothing happens
Oct You find yourself oddly, happy. Perhaps content is a better word.
Dec You have a 2 month holiday romance. Nothing comes of it but the sting of this breakup seems tiny compared...
June 15, 2014. You meet this girl at a party and you hit if off.
July 20, 2014. On date 7 you ask her for exclusivity and she agrees.
Sept 10, 2014. You meet your girlfriend for dinner. She arrives 10 minutes late as usual and greets your frown with a full on kiss. She says how wonderful it is to see you, you look into her eyes and she really means it. Your annoyance melts and you blurt out "I love you" then startled, realize what you just did. She just kisses you, smiles, says "I love you" back and looks into your eyes. when you look into her eyes, you only see her love. No guilt, no guile, simply a smiling face looking into your eyes with her love for you.

JUST THINK how incredibly intense the sex will be that night. FEEL IT. NEW INTENSE SEX combined with "I love you"s

bunch more stuff

June 20, 2016. You walk down the second and final time. A few weeks after the honeymoon, you are on the internet and stop by TAM. You write a post thanking me and how right I was.

Sometime in the 2020s. Your now adult children have a role model in their father seeing a healthy happy man and his loving wife. They pattern themselves after you.

June 20, 2026. You celebrate your 10th anniversary and remember just how right I was. Same thing 10 years after that on your 20th.

June 20, 2076. You die and are buried next to your wife; having lived a wonderful life.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

WL sounds good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Dude. read your post on another thread. You would leave but for your kids and you are a year in it. You said you are dying.
> 
> You say late 20s. Statistically you will live ~55 years. Its time to file D and move on man.
> 
> ...


2035... finds wife with another man, world turned upside down..


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You file for D, and then ask your wife to write a timeline of the affair. You can work on the history of what happened in detail, until you can't stand hearing anymore about it. You may not end up with whole truth but a lot more. If you feel satisfied you can sit and go over it with her line by line. Maybe when you're done, you'll have closure. Maybe you'll be so disgusted you'll want the D to go through.


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## Tryingtobreath (Jan 2, 2013)

russell28 said:


> 2035... finds wife with another man, world turned upside down..


Bingo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 38m3kids (Sep 29, 2011)

To OP...

I am almost 3 years since my disaster. The bastard lives about 2 hours away and I have never met him. Like you, I'm sure I could find him. Like you, I still to this day daydream about catching them in the act and playing baseball with his skull. For me, my kids and not going to prison has kept me from doing so. Because ultimately i know I would not keep it civil. My advice is to hang in there... Push it out of your mind every chance you get. Focus on getting back to "normal" life. No good could possible come from confrontation. Closure???? Not yet buddy. good luck.


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## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

Sorry for the very very late response from my own thread. 

Work has been so crazy lately. I have put all thought out of my head for a confrontation. What was said above is true. I do my family no good in prison. 
Boy, not to say it would be nice though. 

I have taken to a sleeping separation after out last fight. I got Her to open up and answer some questions that have been driving me crazy, especially the one about talking about me. 

I got so pissed when I learned from Her last night that during that time she lied to me and told me about a company affair in a city a couple hours away, but in fact is was a concert they were planning on taking off for a night to attend and finish out in a hotel to stay over. Place is 5 hours away. 

It clicked in my head at once, because of the date, because I remember reading one of her emails that was from her phone to her email of a link to a nice looking hotel/resort and the date matched up of the quote. 

So ya. That is where we are at right now. Sleeping in my home office. Well.right now I am listening to ATC in my garage playing with my POS 83 Porsche 928. She hates it, I love it.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Gator

I had a girl who cheated on me with a few of my friends.

One of the reasons she said she cheated was because I loved my cars more than her. And she was right. I had a 1984 black 944 and a 1987 red 944 Turbo.

I looked right at her and said " you [email protected] right I love my cars more than you. They do not cheat on me. Whatever work I put into them I get back the same amount of joy from them. And they never lie to me!"

I dumped her the next day.

Keep the car. My dream car was a 928s4. Those were the days.

HM64


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Dude. read your post on another thread. You would leave but for your kids and you are a year in it. You said you are dying.
> 
> You say late 20s. Statistically you will live ~55 years. Its time to file D and move on man.
> 
> ...


This is beautiful. Had me crying, first time since dday 2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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