# Is wearing wedding ring important?



## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for reading. I would really like to know what you would do in my shoes. Am I being overly sensitive?
My H and I have been married for 17 years with no children, and we have been having a lot of issues, mostly communication issues. I feel like I should have divorced him long ago, but I don’t seem to have the guts. 
My husband does not like wearing his wedding band saying it is uncomfortable. It is important to me as it is a symbol of commitment. I got really upset numerous times over this. There was a stretch of few years when we did not wear rings. He took his off, and I took mine off cause I was mad at him. Childish, I know, but I was not sure what else to do. At some point I gave up. I don’t wear jewelry, but I liked wearing my wedding ring. 
Then about 1 year ago, he graduated with an engineering degree and got an engineering ring. Then I caught him wearing his engineering ring at work, but taking it off before getting home. He was not wearing his wedding ring at the time. I got very upset when I saw it as I felt he was lying to me, and “ring is uncomfortable” is an excuse. We had a huge fight over that.
So a few months ago we had a very nice romantic dinner, and we decided to put the rings issue behind us and wear the rings from then on. All was good. Then yesterday, he came to pick me up from work, and I noticed he was only wearing his engineering ring again. I got very upset. I have asked why, but he gave me a blank stare and said he didn’t know why. I got out of the car, and he drove away. We talked in a few hours when I got home. He didn’t apologized or anything, but he just said that he thought we were through with this issue. That hurt me even more. When he does something that is hurtful, he usually just sits there without saying anything or leaves the room to go do something else.
I am honestly ready to divorce over this. We have many communication issues. And I just feel like this was the last drop. He hides his feelings and emotions. When he does talk, he tends to be very vague, and I continuously misunderstand him. He also tends to blame me (or other people). Yesterday he acted like he was the one who was hurt. He said I made him defensive, and he was looking for ways to defend himself instead of comforting me when I was hurt. He said that he hated that he did that, but he didn’t know why he did that. I felt like the whole thing was turned around to be made my fault.
I am very confused now. I told him how important him wearing the ring was to me. He still took it off saying it was uncomfortable, then made me feel like it was my fault. Am I blowing this out of proportion? Would you make a big deal out of this situation?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My first thoughts... You need to deal with the actual issues, not the symptoms. To me, the rings are a symptom. The communication and him refusing to deal with your feelings on this in a meaningful way are the problems. 

Would he go to counseling with you? I think I know the answer, but...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Thanks for the reply. We did go to counselling for about 6 months. Some things improved, but he also refused to do a lot of things that the counsellor suggested. I liked going as I thought it was helping me discuss things with him. Then he said we were going too often and wanted to take a break. So we took a break and never went back. I did bring up going back once, and he said he wanted to go back eventually, but never actually done anything about that.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

There are men's wedding rings that are designed to be very comfortable. They are not flat on the inside, more curved or convex if you will. 

However, this may not be the issue.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

I was buying "uncomfortable" excuse until he got the engineering ring and started wearing it. That one is obviously more comfortable.
I feel like he punishes me for something or doesn't like me. I don't know.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I agree with the other posters.

I like my husband to wear his wedding ring, it's a symbol of our love and committment to each other. But sometimes he forgets and it's not a big deal. He doesn't hide the fact that he's married, and I know he loves me very much. He actually gets a bit upset about it when he forget it - says he feels naked without it on 

I almost always wear mine. There have been a couple of occasions where I've taken them off to put handcream on and forgotten to put them back on though.

If I were in your situation, I would be upset too. Is there a compromise here? If the ring is really that uncomfortable could the two of you look into buying a new one that fits him better?

The fact that this means so much to you and hurts you so much and your husband doesn't seem to care, is more concerning than not wearing the ring.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Your question can vary from couple to couple...

From your story and struggle.. this is so much less about rings as it is other things...communication , he hurts you , he doesnt apologize, he hides his feelings, his emotions, you said he is vague , gets defensive and blame shifts.. This is where you need the healing...these are your root issues... 

Back to rings.. here is another perspective... me and H don't always wear our rings ...it's completely a non issue with us.....he can't wear his at work, I don't like jewelry on my fingers (they swell in the morning, can't sleep with them on, it annoys me)..... I only wear my rings if we are leaving the house or having company over.. and he only wears his if I actually take the time to get it out & hand it to him..

If he had an issue with this, I think he'd drive me mad..thankfully he doesn't, it's what's written on the hearts....not what's on our fingers..I guess we are compatible in this way.. I've seen a variety of threads like this though and people get very upset over this !

But then again, there are things I might get bent out of shape over -that others think "that is no big deal at all" and think I am over -reacting.. I guess we cant help how we feel ! so yeah...it's important for the ones we marry to care.. or come half way....


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I generally hate any jewelry on me, including rings. I work out hard at the gym and the ring just gets in the way.

Having said that, I think you are justified in your feeling that he did wear the engineering ring, which does not jive with his story that he hates rings. 

So the issues are much deeper. If you feel like you should divorce him, go see a counselor, confirm, and do it. Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is no right answer on this. It’s up the couple. 

You have been clear to him that wearing a ring means a lot to you. So he really ought to wear it. Spouses who care about each other do things like that to meet a need of the other spouse.

He wears the engineering ring. So the bit about a ring being uncomfortable is just an excuse. 

I agree with others that this is a symptom of a much bigger problem. It’s his passive aggressive way of telling you that he’s not happy and could give a crap what you feel/think.

What I find most stricking about your post is that he went to pick you up at work, you two had a bit of an argument and he drove off and left you. How did you get home? You mention hours later. WTH?

If my husband had done that to me, he’d have hell to pay. Yet you ignore his leaving you at work and continue arguing about the ring. 

Clearly the ring is very symbolic to the two of you. You need to stop complaining about the ring. If I were you I’d write him a letter letting him know that you get it. He does not wear the ring as an in-your-face way to let you know that he does not care. You get it. And then never bring it up again.

What are your plans? Do you really plan on staying with this guy?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Amen, I WOULD NEVER leave a lady to walk home by herself, never.

What an a%%hole!


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

i dont wear mine either, but i know where it is. If i was going to a bar or something i might put it on, if my wife was not with me. Other than that, its a PIA.

I would not take it too seriously either way if i were you.

I've got an engineering school ring somewhere too. Never wear it either, unless i am planning on being in a bar fight. THEN it might come in handy.

But if my wife wanted me to wear my ring, i would


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> There is no right answer on this. It’s up the couple.
> 
> You have been clear to him that wearing a ring means a lot to you. So he really ought to wear it. Spouses who care about each other do things like that to meet a need of the other spouse.
> 
> ...


Well, we usually take a train to work and only drive occasionally. That was one of the occasional days, so I just took the train home. It want a big deal. A few hours was because I went for a walk first. 
My head is really telling me to leave. He does seem to be working on things like communication. He is now saying that he didn't realize how much his taking the ring of was going to hurt me, and he didn't mean it. I am confused if he is completely thoughtless or he didn't care. But is one really better than the other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Your question can vary from couple to couple...
> 
> From your story and struggle.. this is so much less about rings as it is other things...communication , he hurts you , he doesnt apologize, he hides his feelings, his emotions, you said he is vague , gets defensive and blame shifts.. This is where you need the healing...these are your root issues...
> 
> ...


It wasn't a big deal to me either until he stated wearing the other ring. I realIzed that his excuse was bogus. We have been working on communication and it seems to be improving. It is things like that that really set us back. This creates a lot of resentment, which I don't even know I can deal wIth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is selfish and immature.

He is showing you what is important to him.

My husband loves his engineering ring too. But he loves our wedding bands more... Though we regularly act like idiots with them. He had to trade in his engineering ring because the old one was too tight and he never put the new one on. But he is very proud of being a PE.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> He is selfish and immature.
> 
> He had to trade in his engineering ring because the old one was too tight and he never put the new one on.


You can take almost any ring to a jewlery store and they use a long tube like device that spreads open as you lower a handle, and it stretches the ring diameter out a little. Don't stop using a favorite ring just because it is a little tight.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Some married people don't wear their rings. I think the issue is bigger than the ring.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's all been said. The jewelery market thrives on the perceived need for the symbolic ring. My wife and I are part time ring wearers. She has several wedding rings. I have lost several. Needles to say my rings are much less expensive now. 
The real point is, (and I think you agree) the wedding band is an outward symbol of an inward commitment. 
Interestingly you are focused on his lack of the outward symbol while yourself, you are questioning your inward commitment. If anything you should be the ring-less one.
MN


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Engineering rings are a bit different. When I said traded in, I really meant traded in... For a larger size. So he still has a fitting ring.



murphy5 said:


> You can take almost any ring to a jewlery store and they use a long tube like device that spreads open as you lower a handle, and it stretches the ring diameter out a little. Don't stop using a favorite ring just because it is a little tight.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

To stop wearing a wedding ring is usually symbolic of deeper issues. He's not happy being married to you, IMO. I stopped wearing mine during my first marriage because the marriage was as empty as that ring became. It was purely a symbolic statement that there were unresolved issues.

That said, his engineering ring may well be more comfortable - and it is probably symbolic that he has PRIDE in his engineering degree, moreso than his marriage. After all he could get the wedding ring resized or even replaced with something comfortable, if the symbolism mattered to him as well as you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It comes down to the individual. Or the couple.

My parents have hardly ever worn their wed. rings and have been together 30+ years. It doesn't mean they don't love each other or aren't happy together.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

The ring should only be a sign of an issue if there are other things going on. If everything else seems healthy, then no worries. 

Also, if he were trying to signal that he is available or if he were cheating, he would put the ring on before he got home. If the rest of your marriage is healthy, there's nothing to see here. If things are tense or different elsehwere, then you may be sniffing out a problem.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Mr Nail, I think wearing a ring is even more important if your internal commitment is wavering.

Others will walk right through a ring if they want to bed you. The ring reminds the wearer of their commitment. They may walk right over it, too. But it is one more reason to cause pause before doing something they can never take back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'll offer an example:

Some people on facebook use thier first and middle name. Some use thier first and last name. My wife removed her last name and uses her first and middle, as of last year (married for 4 yearish). I asked her about it, it was for "privacy". Except that shes not even remotely private on there. Publicizes everything. 

In our case, her removing her last name on facebook was and is a signal for availability to others. About a year after or 8 months after she removed her last name, she proclaimed to be unahppy and wanted a short separation. 

So again, the ring means nothing if everything else is healthy. Its more the change in pattern ouside the actual ring itself that you should consider.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know a ton of people who may not have their full or last name on FB and it is for privacy. With that said, it sounds like your wife was done, Boston.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

If you are on the fence about the whole marriage, and think you should have divorced years ago..... then the ring should be moot. (I know, I know.... everyone is entitled to their opinions)

What about turning it around? MAYBE the ring symbolizes the love and commitment of marriage for H, the same way it does for you. So MAYBE he doesn't wear it, because he doesn't feel it. And ya... it would work out better if he'd just say so. MAYBE he just won't say it.


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## bobbieb65 (Jan 24, 2013)

@Grisha 
OMG, you sound like you're married to my H!!! He refused to wear his wedding ring because it was...uncomfortable, hated wearing any type of jewelry, it was dangerous for his type of work. He only wore it when we were around his family, never at work. This went on for the first 8 years. Then he changed jobs where he could have worn his ring without risk of injury but still refused. A few years later after that he started wearing a necklace...but still no ring. 

By the time our child turned 18 and was finishing HS, I had enough BS excuses and was done with the H and M. I had suspected he was unfaithful throughout the years but could never prove it. At this point I couldn't have cared less and wanted, planned on leaving. He didn't want to split up and so we ending up in MC...my suggestion and he eagerly went along.

It was through MC that my H had become transparent and gave me access to his phone, email, internet and everything else. It opened a flood gate to his alter ego and basically the other life that he was leading. We went to MC for months and bought him a new ring before he finally committed to wearing a wedding band everyday. 

Now, I'm not saying your H is a serial cheater, or is leading a double life, but he is being immature and selfish. He is disrespecting the union of the M by not wearing it...oh but he can wear the other ring. If it was a matter of comfort or style and nothing else, he would jump at the chance to buy a new ring he could proudly wear as a symbol of his devotion to you. I know others will tell you it doesn't mean anything, but it does to you and that's what counts. His wearing the class ring disproves his excuse...just as my H did by wearing a mason necklace.

Just in case you're wondering why he might not wear it, it makes it easier to flirt with other women. They can have relationships to whatever point they want with these OW and pull out the "I'm married" card when things get to intense to deal with. It also sounds like your H may be a little on the emotionally evasive side and bucking the intimacy of M life.

All I can suggest is getting back into MC. If he's unwilling to go or goes and won't do the work one would assume that he's not fully committed to being married. You see the signs and he's ignoring your legitimate concerns. For both of you it's time to sh!t or get off the pot!!!


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Thank you so much to all of you guys.
I can't help but constantly feel like I am crazy and blow up for minor unimportant things.
I doubt he is cheating as he doesn't seem to be the type, although he does flirt with my female friends. At least it looks like flirting to me. When I mention it, he gets mad and says he wasn't flirting. Then he usually says "Fine, I won't talk to anyone any more". I do feel like I am the crazy one in such situations. 
I am getting more convinced that he does not like me very much though. Whenever he does something hurtful, he says he didn't do it on purpose and it was not his goal to hurt me. I don't know if I can believe that anyone can be so ignorant. 
About the ring fight, he is now saying he did not mean to hurt me. Then he was in shock I got hurt. Then he couldn't do anything cause he didn't expect me to be so hurt.
I don't know how to react to this any more. He seems genuine that he didn't mean it.
Also when you guys say that if such and such happened in your house, then all hell would break loose. What exactly do you mean by that? I understand enforcing boundaries is important, but what exactly do you do short of leaving?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Try getting a ring that is designed comfortable. He'll wear it much more. The engineering classring feels different and should be comfortable. Take him to a jewelry store and try one on. If he's never worn one, he will be surprised.

Then have some fun. Remarry him with it and have a nice dinner!


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

bobbieb65 said:


> @Grisha
> OMG, you sound like you're married to my H!!! He refused to wear his wedding ring because it was...uncomfortable, hated wearing any type of jewelry, it was dangerous for his type of work. He only wore it when we were around his family, never at work. This went on for the first 8 years. Then he changed jobs where he could have worn his ring without risk of injury but still refused. A few years later after that he started wearing a necklace...but still no ring.
> 
> By the time our child turned 18 and was finishing HS, I had enough BS excuses and was done with the H and M. I had suspected he was unfaithful throughout the years but could never prove it. At this point I couldn't have cared less and wanted, planned on leaving. He didn't want to split up and so we ending up in MC...my suggestion and he eagerly went along.
> ...


Thanks for your post. The thing is my husband also committed to wearing it a few months ago. This is why it is so hurtful that he took off. I have asked him specifically what he was thinking when he was taking if off. He didn't have an answer.
He is evasive and is afraid of intimacy, but he won't admit it. I don't think he even admits it to himself. 
I would really love to know what the reason is. Is he really so dense and thoughtless? Does he hate me?
Do I want too much from him?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Thanks clip clop your reply rounded out the thought I was trying to express. I really don't think that Grisha should take off her ring. I do think that wearing the ring is reminding her more that he isn't. I worry that she is thinking "here I am unhappy but committed and he can't even show the world he cares."
We can extrapolate from what Grisha has said that the Husband has recently completed a very stressful and competitive course of education. We could assume that the stress of that has caused the stress in the marriage as well as his snappishness. If we add to that fabrication that he may be completely honest about his finding the original wedding ring uncomfortable, then based on all that we could say for pete's sake go out and buy a new ring. For me it's just to many assumptions. 
There is much for Grisha to think about and it looks like she is working through it.
MN
PS. I am wearing ring for the past week because I just bought myself a cool new tungsten ring for fathers day that is very comfortable.


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## grisha (Oct 24, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Thanks clip clop your reply rounded out the thought I was trying to express. I really don't think that Grisha should take off her ring. I do think that wearing the ring is reminding her more that he isn't. I worry that she is thinking "here I am unhappy but committed and he can't even show the world he cares."
> We can extrapolate from what Grisha has said that the Husband has recently completed a very stressful and competitive course of education. We could assume that the stress of that has caused the stress in the marriage as well as his snappishness. If we add to that fabrication that he may be completely honest about his finding the original wedding ring uncomfortable, then based on all that we could say for pete's sake go out and buy a new ring. For me it's just to many assumptions.
> There is much for Grisha to think about and it looks like she is working through it.
> MN
> PS. I am wearing ring for the past week because I just bought myself a cool new tungsten ring for fathers day that is very comfortable.


Yes, Mr. Nail. You hit the nail on the head. 
His education took a lot longer than expected, and was very stressful on both of us. I was pretty much a single woman while married. He swore that as soon as he was done, he was going to be the best husband ever. But nothing really has change. His school was priority, and now his work is priority. 
I understand that he is very proud of his other ring and wants to show it off as it took as lot of work. But is that supposed to make me feel? Like I am not a priority.
I also cannot figure out what 'best husband ever' means to him. I don't know if he knows what it means to me. It is either a severe communication breakdown or he doesn't give a crap.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Grisha,
Thanks for the follow up. I've read some of what you have been writing around the forum. I've come to the conclusion that you are more serious about making this work than you are about ending the relationship. 
If that is indeed the case I think we should revisit Q tip's suggestion and have a re start celebration. Part of it should be letting go of your grievances. Those are holding you back. 
He's just being a guy and resisting change. Those changes (slowing down , enjoying life and relationships and hobbies) will save (extend) his life. He's on the path to work himself to death at 40.
MN


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## blueeyescurls1963 (Jun 8, 2014)

Even though we are separated, we still wear our wedding rings. as I ran into him, through out the week, of and on and he always has his wedding ring on.

To me a wedding ring is a symbol of your love and commitment to each other. We are having issues but still committed to trying to make our marriage work.

I am not sure why, your husband does not wear his ring, but I have to say, we ended up purchasing different bands a couple of years ago, as his ring was making his finger sore, we bought comfort bands


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