# Need advice



## BlueDragon (Feb 4, 2013)

I've been married now for over 22 years. But these past 2-3 years I've been unhappy with the marriage and thinking about seperating. We married in upstate New York in 1990 and up until 1995 we both were working spouse's.
We had our first son in 1993, and then in June 1995 we had our second son.
In Sept 1995 I got offered a Software Development job in North Carolina and we made the decision to move to NC. With this move she stopped working to stay at home and take care of our children.
In Early 1998 we had our third son.
During the first 4 years down here in NC I went through 4-5 jobs until 1999. Since then I've been with the same company and to this day I still work with this company.
With the boys now being older she has started working again. She is doing substitute teaching at the school's near-by. She mainly substitutes at the High school our 2 youngest sons are attending.
In early 2011 I went to India for work for about 8-9 weeks and then another week in Germany. After I returned we went on a vacation to NY in April for a week. During this time she stays at her mom's house and I stay at my parents.
In May she visited her sister in SC for a few days. I then returned for another trip to India in June for 2.5 weeks.
After I returned home her friend visited from NY, for 2 weeks and the went to Mrytle Beach in SC for 6 of those days. When her friend returned to NY she went back to NY with her friend because her mom had cancer and was going through chemotherapy. She was there for the whole summer and it was during all these times alone that I realized that I've been the happiest I've been in a long time.
I told her I was not happy and she became upset because she was there for her mom and could not believe I was bringing it up at this time.
She also did not have any way to return back to NC at this time and it was through the unfortunate death of my uncle in Aug 2011 that I had to drive to NY for the funeral that she returned back to NC with me. 
Since then I've been unhappy. She thinks everything is fine. I do not enjoy having sex with her because I have no feelings anymore for her and I do not initaite it and avoid it. 
I looked into divorce but in NC you need to be seperated for 1 year before you can divorce. And this means we would need to reside in seperate residences.
I'm the one who makes the money in this relationship. Last year substituting she only made about 8K, and they don't even take taxes out of her pay basically. 0 in fed tax, and 50 in state tax. 
We have a mortgage, 2 cars, and the usual expenses.
Not much in credit cards. maybe 4-5K only.
But we do have 2 401K loans against my 401K which are paid every 2 weeks from my paycheck. 

So we basically live paycheck to paycheck so I'm struggling to determine how can I even seperate. I can not afford to pay rent on an apartment.

Also, how do I even bring it up to her I'm not happy and want to seperate without it causing a lot more turmoil?

Also, since I make the money mainly, how does alimony and support work? 
The house is in both our names, same as the cars
While the 401k loans are from my 401K retirement, we did this together so wouldn't this be marital debt. 

Thanks for any advice.
Joe


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What are the issues that you are having with your wife? Was there infidelity on her end or your end, feel like you just fell out of love, or has your wife treated you like crap for awhile?

If I ventured to guess, you were "happiest" because her and the kids were gone and you were allowed to live like a bachelor for awhile. So are you on the cusp of being a WAH?

Sorry for all the questions, but I'm not clear why you want out of your marriage. Very little details were given and on the surface it looks like you're tired of being a husband and a dad.


----------



## BlueDragon (Feb 4, 2013)

Actually the kids where with me during the summer while she was gone. The business trip I was alone.

All we do is argue on a daily basis. No infidelity. I just fell out of love with her. If I go out of town for a day or if she goes to her sister's fora few days. She get's mad because I don't say "I Love You".

I don't mind the dad part. And in NC you need to be separated for 1 year. The only thing I can see happening is she moves back to NY and lives at home with her mom, but then she won't see the kids for a year. 

Other than that, one of us would need to move out and she is only substitute teacher and can't afford it.
And I've still got my obligations so I can not afford it.


----------

