# i was never in love with my wife but i thought love is not that important for living



## shazil

i have been married for last 4 years and i am 32.it was arranged marriage. i was in lot of stress and lonely when i got married. at that time i never thought love so important. i really did not know. i thought i will go through it . every day i missed that love and passion. God knows how much i tried not to hurt my wife. i did my best but still she complaint all the time that i dont love her and give her time. i killed my heart to be with her . the i had children . i just could not assimilate the thought of being away from my children. i struggled and struggled every day. just to keep my family intact. i felt guilt of marrying my wife , so i always told her that i love her when she asked but deep in my heart she knew that i do not. i thought about telling her the truth but i felt that it will break the marriage . i hate my heart. you know i tried so much . took professional counseling to get through this misery. as time passes i feel that my depression will destroy me. i am scared my children( one is 4 years and other 2 months) will soon sense my depression. they will hate me for not loving there mother. how can a person who has never loved that person for a single day?

i fel pity for my wife and hold myself guilty that why did i marry a girl out of my loneliness . sometimes i feel that i should repent by barring on. my guilt is killing me. i have been asking myself the same question since one year that should i choose myself or my children and never could decide.

i crave for love. i cry every day. i have never had fight with my wife. i never want to hurt anyone . i always concede to her opinion and wish as i feel that i am responsible for her situation.

i just can not tame my heart.
i have a successful business but i am loosing the courage and will to work.
i feel that my children will never forgive me once they grow up even if i stay in marriage just for them.

i am so depressed. i am gloomy all the time.
i try many things like movies and hang out with friends and alcohol to kill time.
by killing time i am just killing myself. i cry every day alone.
the worst thing is that when she asks me that i love her i say i do . that kills me inside . my sadness is taking its toll on my health.
my children are my responsability . how can i be so selfish?i am so confused. its been 4 years and i am still struggling. i now feel i am loosing the battle. my heart sinks all the time. anything romantic brings tear to my eyes. i feel suffocated all the time.i drink every night .
i have tried so much to go along my life an accept it as my fate but i can not find contentment.
i know passion dies away with time. but i never had one moment of love or passion. i feel so unlucky.


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## lovinghimforever

Love is a decision not an emotion. You can chose to be happy and love your wife. You just have to learn how. I suggest going back to counseling for that, if that's what you really want.

I believe that there is something deeper that is causing your depression. You're feeling sorry for yourself and blaming it on your wife. She is not the problem, you are. You say you want passion and love. Well who is in control of that? YOU are. Who is in control of your emotions? YOU are. Who is in control of your drinking? YOU are.

If you stopped seeking professional help, I think you should really go back.

Best of luck.


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## shazil

lovinghimforever said:


> Love is a decision not an emotion. You can chose to be happy and love your wife. You just have to learn how. I suggest going back to counseling for that, if that's what you really want.
> 
> I believe that there is something deeper that is causing your depression. You're feeling sorry for yourself and blaming it on your wife. She is not the problem, you are. You say you want passion and love. Well who is in control of that? YOU are. Who is in control of your emotions? YOU are. Who is in control of your drinking? YOU are.
> 
> If you stopped seeking professional help, I think you should really go back.
> 
> Best of luck.


that is a million dollar question. Are we in control of our feelings?
Can we choose to love?


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## lovinghimforever

If you're not in control of your feelings, then who is?

And if you mean love by the kind of love with butterflies in your stomach, floating on cloud 9, then you're in for a rude awakening. The reality of it is, that those feelings are only temporary. After all that mushy stuff goes away at the beginning of a relationship, then you CHOOSE to love that person. In order to receive love, we have to give love. Stop being so selfish.

You can either choose to love your wife despite everything and have a family. Or you can choose to leave her, look for those sparks in another woman and then leave her when those sparks fade and so on.


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## SimplyAmorous

I agree you can work on CHOOSING to love her. What exactly is so UNLOVING about her? Are you completely NOT attracted to her, is she annoying, do you have ANY of the same interests? Do you try to commnicate with her at all about what you want from this marraige -what she can do, IF ANYTHING , to help you see that She can be a suitable wife & lover for you? 

Is she in love with you, or maybe she is just play acting also to make the situation bearable? 

I know nothing about Arranged Marraiges but I am sure this has got to be a common problem, beings you do not have a say so in who you will marry. Just know that even people who are in the heights of love & passion, butterflies, the whole bit, who 
freely choose their spouse in marraige, even after a few years, what you are describing can happen to them also! You see it all over these boards. 

Do you WANT to LOVE HER ? or do you want OUT ? 

And if you want OUT , is their another woman? Is Divorce even an option? I assume you are not from the USA, but maybe a country who really terribly looks down on Divorce, maybe your religion forbids it ?


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## shazil

SimplyAmorous said:


> I agree you can work on CHOOSING to love her. What exactly is so UNLOVING about her? Are you completely NOT attracted to her, is she annoying, do you have ANY of the same interests? Do you try to commnicate with her at all about what you want from this marraige -what she can do, IF ANYTHING , to help you see that She can be a suitable wife & lover for you?
> 
> Is she in love with you, or maybe she is just play acting also to make the situation bearable?
> 
> I know nothing about Arranged Marriages but I am sure this has got to be a common problem, beings you do not have a say so in who you will marry. Just know that even people who are in the heights of love & passion, butterflies, the whole bit, who
> freely choose their spouse in marriage, even after a few years, what you are describing can happen to them also! You see it all over these boards.
> 
> Do you WANT to LOVE HER ? or do you want OUT ?
> 
> And if you want OUT , is their another woman? Is Divorce even an option? I assume you are not from the USA, but maybe a country who really terribly looks down on Divorce, maybe your religion forbids it ?


1.i am completely not attracted to her and never was.
2.she is very annoying but i feel she wants my attention all the time. i think she feels that i don't love her. she tries to entice me but i never get exasperated and mostly concede.
3.i don't think she loves me but she is putting up for children.
4. i cant even imagine loving her. have tried a lot.
5.there is no other woman and never was during the marriage.
6.divorce is an option as i am Muslim. but yes my country really looks down on divorce.but my religion doesn't forbids it . rather my religion allows even two wives but my society and culture looks down to it.


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## jessi

hi, 
I don't know what to say to you, you have to decide what you are willing to do, if you continue to think the way you do about your wife it will never work.....she sounds like she is trying to bring you to her...the rejection for her must be hard to take but she obviously loves you.....
you have to decide to change the way you view her, read some books, 5 languages of love and take a look at what you are not doing Gary Chapman is the author.......this is all about attitude without the right frame of mind nothing will work, look at her for her good qualities and just try to enjoy the contact between you....not all togetherness is about that falling in love feeling marriage is about feeling safe and comfortable....
If you can't bring yourself to change your thinking, then divorce might be your only answer.....
I think a lot of marriage go through stages like this in every culture you have to work at getting things to a different place it doesn't just happen on it's own......


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## shazil

i do not have any feelings for my wife. not for a single day since i have got married. for the last four years i have been trying to be comfortable with her and adjust but i could not . i had not a single affair or even thought about any other woman during the period as i am a man of principles. for last 4 years i have just been thinking between myself and her mental well being and our children. time is passing and misery goes on. dont know what to do


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## scarletblue

I feel for your situation, but I have to think to myself....how would I feel if I were your wife? How would I feel if I invested my life and love in a man who doesn't love me and is miserable with me every day. You want to talk misery? Now, THAT is misery!

It sounds to me like first of all, you need to seek help for your depression. You are wallowing in it and letting it drag your life down. You need to take charge of your feelings and decide what you're going to do. If you don't believe in divorce and are going to stay in the marriage, the you need to do what you can to make it the best it can be. Longing for something you think you can never have won't help the situation.

Is it better to love and not be loved in return, or be loved and not love in return?


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## marcy*

I do not feel sorry for you shazil, but for you wife. She didn't choose you either since it was an arranged marriage, but she is trying to make this marriage work. She is trying to love you, but you are so cold, and indifferent with her.
She is annoying because is trying to gain your love? Some people do not deserve what they have.


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## shazil

Deb* said:


> I do not feel sorry for you shazil, but for you wife. She didn't choose you either since it was an arranged marriage, but she is trying to make this marriage work. She is trying to love you, but you are so cold, and indifferent with her.
> She is annoying because is trying to gain your love? Some people do not deserve what they have.


1. how can be sure she loves me?
2. she could be waiting for me to take the first step?
3. its ok for a woman to relate with a woman. i understand .


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## marcy*

shazil said:


> 1. how can be sure she loves me?
> 2. she could be waiting for me to take the first step?
> 3. its ok for a woman to relate with a woman. i understand .


Divorce her if you don't love her. I believe that even your wife doesn't want to stay with a man that doesn't love her.
You don't live to please others, but yourselves. Both of you were victims of your society. I know a lot about arranged marriage. Are normal in my country too. But at least at us you have the right to choose if you want to be with him/her or no. You are not forced to marry someone that you don't like. 
Maybe you were forced to get married and I feel sorry for both of you. I don't know were you are living now. If you live in USA, you better get divorced. It's on your best interest.
Does she work?
Is she able to live on her own?


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## shazil

Deb* said:


> Divorce her if you don't love her. I believe that even your wife doesn't want to stay with a man that doesn't love her.
> You don't live to please others, but yourselves. Both of you were victims of your society. I know a lot about arranged marriage. Are normal in my country too. But at least at us you have the right to choose if you want to be with him/her or no. You are not forced to marry someone that you don't like.
> Maybe you were forced to get married and I feel sorry for both of you. I don't know were you are living now. If you live in USA, you better get divorced. It's on your best interest.
> Does she work?
> Is she able to live on her own?


she doesn't work. she cant support herself. she doesn't have much of education. how ever i can support her and kids as long as required. i am financially quite stable. she probable will her parents in case of separation or divorce. her parent are financially very well too. they can also support her.


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## hopelesslife

love is unexplainable feeling. it doesn't necessarily happen just because someone is nice to you.


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## hopelesslife

we are all human beings. we are not God. Things do not always go in a way that so-called "right".

Marriage without love is immoral,too. it is not better then cheating in a marriage. Having sex with someone you don't love is not better than being rapped. the only different is not raping your body but your mind.or maybe both physically and mentally.


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## marcy*

Her family has good incomes, and didn't give her an education?!
Why don't you let her know how you feel? Give her time to think, and later decide if you want to be still together, or no.


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## Nekko

shazil said:


> 1.i am completely not attracted to her and never was.
> 2.she is very annoying but i feel she wants my attention all the time. i think she feels that i don't love her. she tries to entice me but i never get exasperated and mostly concede.
> 3.i don't think she loves me but she is putting up for children.
> 4. i cant even imagine loving her. have tried a lot.
> 5.there is no other woman and never was during the marriage.
> 6.divorce is an option as i am Muslim. but yes my country really looks down on divorce.but my religion doesn't forbids it . rather my religion allows even two wives but my society and culture looks down to it.


1. Sometimes you need to get a different view of something to see what you haven't been seeing for years. Is there something wrong with her? (fat, ugly....something that turns you off?). If not there's probably something about her personality bothering you. Maybe the lack of education and 'personality' is what makes her so unatractive? You never have anything to talk to her about and she's not exciting in any way?
2. When you give her attention without her asking this will change, she'll become more secure and not ask for it so much. Of course she's asking if she's attention starved. And you don't have to love someone to make them feel appreciated. You even do that with friends/aquaintances. Work on that
3. You don't know that, don't assume. If she feels you don't love her what would be the point for her to tell/show you she loves you all the time?
4. Stop trying so much. All things that are treated as a responsability won't be very pleasant. Love is a pleasant feeling. You trying to push for it completely kills it (and would kill it even if you did love her!)
5. good


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## only_diana

No one should kill time. It's the best blessing from God. 
Your wife seems to be a good person, for if she wasn't, you would have mentioned it. She seems like someone you'd be able to love. You can start to act like someone in love. Send her flowers. Leave her a card on the toilet mirror.. and love will bloom out of nowhere. 
The devil has his way of seperating husbands and wives. You need to seperate devil's insinuations from personal distress. 

this youtube link is very helpful. 
YouTube - Joel Osteen on Marriage, Commitment, Relationships


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## turnera

What are you doing to have your depression addressed?


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## prestonspinay

I agree with many of these users the love you long for is only temporary. I did not have an arrange marriage but what I learned is when I got married I lost those feelings of butterflys etc warm fuzy feelings. So I thought wow did I fall out of love. Luckily my unit was being shipped to Iraq and I thought thank god away from my husband. But being away I started to think what are my kids doing, did my husband do this for the kids, and etc. After a phone call he assured me that everything is okay for once I felt happy to have him there. I guess what I am trying to say is even though you may have never loved her when you married her, can you see yourself not having this person in your life? I know its easy to say yes, but really imagine can you picture yourself getting up not seeing her, eating not seeing her, and going to bed not seeing her. I say you need to think of that and see what you come up with.


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## shazil

hopelesslife said:


> we are all human beings. we are not God. Things do not always go in a way that so-called "right".
> 
> Marriage without love is immoral,too. it is not better then cheating in a marriage. Having sex with someone you don't love is not better than being rapped. the only different is not raping your body but your mind.or maybe both physically and mentally.


thats exactly how i feel . i am so glad there is someone who can understand.


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## shazil

Deb* said:


> Her family has good incomes, and didn't give her an education?!
> Why don't you let her know how you feel? Give her time to think, and later decide if you want to be still together, or no.


1. good question. her father preferred to get her married rather to give her full education. he studied till 12th standard, which is not suffecient to get good job in our country.
2. yes i will let her know very soon. i have kept quiet4 years in order to kep the family intact but can not take it anymore. we are not God . we are human and we have our limits.


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## bigfamily

You live once. You will not get another chance. You shouldn't be miserable all the time. Confront your problems and leave if u have to. You can still spend time with your children and take care of them. You don't have to live with their mother for that. Your wife deserves to be happy too. She should have a husband who will love her, not someone who is miserable and unhappy with her.


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## houseworm

You r moslem...just be a good moslem, do your 5 days shalah, tahajud, fasting...you know this life is not only for now..but for hereafter, just do that, pray to God that eventhough without love you at least wont have all these misserable feeling..let see how it goes..may be God will let your love grow towards her or may be not but at least so far, i think, you doing good by hang in there for whatever the reason.
dont concentrate too much of that loving feeling, drive your concentration towards something else...towards how you bring up your kids being a good moslem too may be, take them to mosque more often, teaching them quran.. well..i dont know whether u ve done all that or not though, if yes, then may be you didn't try enough..
bad news for you is...i think..without help from the One who create you..it is very hard to grow a love that is never there..sorry to say


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## gambleoscar

Those who say you can CHOOSE to love are completely out of line. Could you choose not to love your parents or your children? Love does change as marriages age. Of course the initial excitement fades. It changes to mutual respect, AND ADMIRATION. I for one want to be treasured (I also want to treasure). It can't be learned. It's not a choice. 

A person I treasure wrote to me:

Life is simple
It's all about choice
Live with regrets 
or live and rejoice


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## bigfamily

I agree with you. You can't choose. If we were able to choose we would never fall in love with the wrong people. What will happen when kids grow up and leave the nest and you're stuck with the same person you didn't love all those years?? Now you may be too busy to think about your misery because you children to take care of, but what will happen later? I know one couple whose arranged marriage turned out to be a success, but unfortunately it doesn't happen too often.


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## shazil

i have talked to my wife and told her about feeliongs. At first she got very angry but letter cooled down and accepted that she felt it all along. i have i told her that i cant even imagine her agony. i cant empathize with her. her agony is bigger than mine. i have told her that i just couldnt the life of lie anymore. she has chosen to stay back with me to raise her children.we are just living together. no physical stuff at all. i feel so pity for her . i have told her that if i had a choice i would love you but its just not there. every time i am with her in the house, i get depressed. in our culture and society , mother of two kids has a negligible chance of getting good life partner. i really pray that she may get some one who reallly loves her. i just want her to be happy. she wants me tpo be happy too and look for other women. i feel its not fair to have a love deprieved mother of two in ones home and then hunt for another woman. my chances for getting a kind of woman i want her very very less. i am even more content living alone rather than with some one whom idont love and never did.The last conversation i had with her was that lets live together for kids, as we have nearly negligible chances of getting a new life partner, for the sake of kids.
the main problem is the culture and socity norms. we both have nearly zero chances of getting married again. so i suggested to her that lets accept it as our fate or destiny and spend the rest of life. at least kids will have both parents rather than living with single mother.
we both are sad and highly depressed but there is a chance that with passage of time , this depression and sadness wil fade away.


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## turnera

Well, you could choose to work together to find things that you both like, and start doing them together. As friends. You may find that, with time, doing things that make you happy, you have a chance of getting feelings for each other.

But good job for talking to her. It will make things better in the long run.


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## reibello

i feel for u. my lover is going thru the same thing. he is indian and he is in an arranged marriage. i met him 5 years ago and we had a relationship. i know that he is very sad in his marriage and the only thing that makes him happy is me and i want to make him happy for the rest of our lives. i f u havent found yourself inlove with your wife aven after 4 years, i dont think it will change. try to find small small happiness in your life. a woman's intuition is very strong. the fact that your wife asks you if you love her means she is asking for assurance if you love her really because deep in her heart she knows that you dont love her. be honest about what u feel for her. i hhope you find happiness in your life soon. email me. [email protected]. take care.


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## fallensoldier

Shazil - why have kids when you couldn't live this woman? And two kids? My heart breaks for both of them. You say she is annoying as she tries to get your attention - when you dislike someone everything about them is annoying, even if they're just breathing. And when you love someone you put aside all their flaws and adore their most ANNOYING habits. I'm sorry there's no love for her in your heart but I think you need to put aside all your cultural beliefs and seek your happiness. You cannot continue to live in misery as it is unhealthy to you first, and all the members of your household. I think you need to grow a pair, put aside who will look down on you and do yourself a favor and get out before things get worst, because believe it or not, they can.


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## pidge70

OP hasn't been back in 2yrs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fallensoldier

pidge70 said:


> OP hasn't been back in 2yrs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh damn...I honestly didn't even notice that. I wonder what has happened with him since ... Hmmm ...


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## mompres

Love is a decision not an emotion. You can chose to be happy and love your wife. You just have to learn how. 


I am stunned to see this. I couldn't disagree more. I don't believe for one moment that you can force yourself to love someone. Sure you can try to find things about your life or the situation that make you happy and focus on them. You can try to appreciate your wife and focus on the things about her you like. But you can't choose to be in love with someone. If you could there wouldn't be a single divorce or unhappy marriage. Desire is even harder to force. To live without them is hard and takes a toll. Sure you can choose to make the best of it but that's about it. I think this is simplistic and puts the burden on a person because they must not be choosing to love. If you were in a loveless marriage and "chose" your way back in love then I would love to hear how.


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## JuliaP

I wish love were a decision! I would've married someone different!


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## sinnister

A man shouldnt be crying. If he does...something is wrong.

If you can NEVER love her than I guess there's only one thing to do.

Do the honourable thing by your wife and grant her a divorce.


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## lamaga

@Sinnister...men shouldn't be allowed to cry?

Yep, and all us wimmens need to stay in the kitchen, too!

Sheeesh.


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## confused777

You were lonely and sad before you married so find the root cause of your depression and don't focus on your wife as the problem.

You chose to marry and have children with her. Try to make it work my friend. Arrange for trips and try to create a happier environment at home. Make an effort, light some scented candles, buy some treats that you will both enjoy. Allow yourself to relax and enjoy the ambience without any high expectations. Get out of your comfort zone, date her, go places, explore nature, nurture your family and yourself. Lay off the alcohol, it will only distract you. 

Make a list of little affectionate things you could do each day, for example, you could make a plan to kiss her a number of times a day. Focus on her positives. If something is really bothering you, talk to her about it...nicely.

I didn't get a chance to go through all the thread but I really hope that you don't give up. You sound like you're hurting but your wife seems to care so much. Please try! Things can always improve, water your relationships, put energy into them, make real, true, tangible efforts. Back your efforts with action. Identify your issues one by one and then find a way to address them.

It may take time, but this is your family and you have responsibilities. There are always constructive options in life, options we don't see because we are drowning in our problems. Help is there, you have to search it out.

Good luck


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## confused777

pidge70 said:


> OP hasn't been back in 2yrs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I didn't realise this either.

I'm curious as to what happened...


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## [email protected]

pidge70 said:


> OP hasn't been back in 2yrs.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just read this thread today...heres is the situation which is similar to me although not completely but pretty close....


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## broken888

shazil said:


> i have talked to my wife and told her about feeliongs. At first she got very angry but letter cooled down and accepted that she felt it all along. i have i told her that i cant even imagine her agony. i cant empathize with her. her agony is bigger than mine. i have told her that i just couldnt the life of lie anymore. she has chosen to stay back with me to raise her children.we are just living together. no physical stuff at all. i feel so pity for her . i have told her that if i had a choice i would love you but its just not there. every time i am with her in the house, i get depressed. in our culture and society , mother of two kids has a negligible chance of getting good life partner. i really pray that she may get some one who reallly loves her. i just want her to be happy. she wants me tpo be happy too and look for other women. i feel its not fair to have a love deprieved mother of two in ones home and then hunt for another woman. my chances for getting a kind of woman i want her very very less. i am even more content living alone rather than with some one whom idont love and never did.The last conversation i had with her was that lets live together for kids, as we have nearly negligible chances of getting a new life partner, for the sake of kids.
> the main problem is the culture and socity norms. we both have nearly zero chances of getting married again. so i suggested to her that lets accept it as our fate or destiny and spend the rest of life. at least kids will have both parents rather than living with single mother.
> we both are sad and highly depressed but there is a chance that with passage of time , this depression and sadness wil fade away.


Without being overly basic, perhaps you could try different ways to interact with each other? 

Is she unattractive to you because she's overweight? Not sexy? Maybe try to get into shape together, and just her body alone will turn you on.

Sex is a big way to bond -- maybe you have sexual desires, although not necessarily for her, which you could try and perhaps that would lead to a relationship developing? 

You're obviously desperate so try anything -- are you into bondage, spanking, or any other fetishes? Is your wife? Perhaps try to get to know more about her sexuality, and you could bond from there.


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## rfconfuse

Hi Shazil,

I am 32 year old and also going through exactly the same situation as yours. I too belong to a religious family and married my wife without giving consideration to looks. Now I am just suffering with all the same emotions you had gone through. I would like to know how you have dealt with this situation finally? Please also let me know if I can email you personally.


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## committed4ever

The poster have had no activity here in almost 4 years. You probably should just start your own thread. Welcome to TAM!


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