# Husband cannot adult to save his own life



## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

5 years ago I posted about some of our problems. Well...

After 10 years, I've decided to leave my husband. 

I feel a tremendous amount of responsibility for his wellbeing, but where will it end?

We have been separated over a year and when I first asked him to leave, he couldn't find a place to go. He slept on the chaise in the den for probably three months. The chaise was about two feet too short for his huge frame (he's 6'3).

I spent several weeks hunting rentals in his price range and just couldn't handle the thought of the kids spending weekends in that kind of shady neighborhood or questionable living conditions. 

So, I told him he could have the shop next door and I would pay for the materials to turn it into an appartment. All he had to do was the manual labor. That was 11 months ago. He literally sits over there all day nearly every day and still has no running water, bathroom or kitchen though he has the knowledge and skills to install everything I bought.

There was simple no-brainer muscle job needing to be done before he could get the power turned on over there and he went the ENTIRE summer in 102 degree weather with no AC...

I finally broke down and did the work myself to get electricity to him.

Up till then, he had been living off a drop cord and coming over here taking mine and the boys food.

I gave him a more than reasonable deadline to get his water ran because he still comes over here and uses the toilet and shower. Yesterday was that deadline and he said his stress level was too high to finish the work.

I am very fearful of him being on his own and frustrated that he has no sense of survival.

Who is just O.K. with those kinds of living conditions?

How can I possibly get him out the door and trust that the kids will be safe in his care?

He has always seemed clueless to his surroundings and something slightly "off" about his way of processing everyday life. 
Am I wrong for leaving him?

While he would have moments of responsibility it was short lived and for the most part, I maintained the house work, yard work, did the majority of home repairs, do all the school work/projects/sports with our 3 boys and starting 6 years ago, gradually took over his half of the bills so that I now pay them all.

And before you say anything. Yes, I did make demands, I did refuse to do his part, I did let the grass get two feet tall and let the trash day get missed weeks out of each month and let things get shut off because he didn't pay it.

Since separating our finances, I have a savings again, I am able to finish major projects that were started years ago and there's money left over!

All without alimony or child support. 

I know it sounds stupid to even question if it's not the right thing, but I really think there is something wrong with him.

The boys absolutely adore him though and he was never cruel or said anything deeply hurtful or cheated, so it wasn't a simple "I hate you and want a divorce" kind of breakup. I will always love him, but honestly. It's easier to be a single mother than it is being his wife and I don't think I could ever sincerely play that part again.

I just feel obligated to see to his basic necessities and guilt over the fact that I'm trying not to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he have any extended family? If he does, do they know that he's like this?

His helplessness might be something that he developed over time to get you to do it all. After all look how nicely it works for him. You are still taking care of him.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Stop. Just stop. 
Stop allowing him to eat your food. 
Stop allowing him to use your shower. 
Stop allowing him to use your toilet. 
Just stop. 
He will get the message.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

He has a complicated relationship with his family but I believe they know at least to an extent. 
I remember his sister trying to explain how he can be oblivious to the effect his actions (or lack thereof) can have on others. 
I wish now I had stopped to ask what she meant. 

I would absolutely love to say that he developed this sense of laziness and give him a swift kick in the ass.

And while that is entirely possible, my reasons for questioning his mental abilities is because mental illness runs in his family and his siblings are career driven, happily married and very involved parents.

If there is nothing wrong, it's strange that someone raised by the same people could be so very different. 

Right now, my reason for giving him a place to live is for the sake of my kids. 
I can't take that from them and I would rather have him take them next door then take them to a place with bars on the windows and needles on the playground. 

But I do agree. I can't do this forever.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

Also, who in their right mind will sleep three months on a bed too small that gives you daily back pain and in unbearable heat with no utilities?
A normal person would have survival instincts kick in.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Do you think your husband could have clinical depression? One of the hallmarks of that is the lack of desire to do anything, a general lack of motivation. Has he been to a Dr?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, he has issues. But if you don’t cut the cord, his issues will forever be your issues too. No more food. No more using your house as a rest stop. Will he end up failing at life? Possibly. But he needs to figure it out.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

How is him intellectually? Is him normal? Otherwise, you might be dealing with a mentally challenged individual. If that's the case, there's not much to make him your equal for every day's life's dealings.

If that's not the case, then he's just a lazy guy that knows that you are there for him, and he's using you. Cut him off without regards, that's his problem.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

You have to stop or it will never end. He can stop by to visit the kids until he has somewhere safe for them set up.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> Do you think your husband could have clinical depression? One of the hallmarks of that is the lack of desire to do anything, a general lack of motivation. Has he been to a Dr?


Right now, I know he is depressed.
But I believe that it is circumstantial depression. 
Six years ago he went to a doctor because he was unable to hold a job even in the trade that he grew up with. I was with him at the earlier appointments and we discussed his issues with maintaining long term reliability as a spouse. He was diagnosed with ADD and takes medication for it and depression is one of the things the check for at each of his three month checkups.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

Rob_1 said:


> How is him intellectually? Is him normal? Otherwise, you might be dealing with a mentally challenged individual. If that's the case, there's not much to make him your equal for every day's life's dealings.
> 
> If that's not the case, then he's just a lazy guy that knows that you are there for him, and he's using you. Cut him off without regards, that's his problem.


Like I said in my post. Something is not quite normal about him. No one would know it to just talk or hang out with him, but simple things escape him. Like taking your truck to the shop when you hear a rattling.
Calling in your perscriptions BEFORE their gone. Or making arrangements for the kids when you know you won't be there on your days with them.
My question is more about the morals of leaving someone who may be mentally disabled.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

Openminded said:


> Yeah, he has issues. But if you don’t cut the cord, his issues will forever be your issues too. No more food. No more using your house as a rest stop. Will he end up failing at life? Possibly. But he needs to figure it out.


I've absolutely decided to get the divorce. And told him today that he missed his deadline and would have to go to the gas station down the road to relieve himself. But if he really is mentally challenged, am I a horrible person for putting my happiness above his physical wellbeing?
I promised to be with him "in sickness and health".


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Morally..it's up to each one of us as to what we are comfortable with. Only you can make that decision. Just understand that most likely, without you, he'll end in the streets, like many people with those challenges end up. Sad, but a possibility. 

Is there is any possibility that he does brings some type of positive influence overall for your kids. Would your kids will be better with him or without him? 
If he does not bring anything at all towards the family dynamics, I would probably let him go, unless you do really love him and you are willing to live with the situation. 
Good luck. It is a very hard situation for you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

katcann88 said:


> I've absolutely decided to get the divorce. And told him today that he missed his deadline and would have to go to the gas station down the road to relieve himself. But if he really is mentally challenged, am I a horrible person for putting my happiness above his physical wellbeing?
> I promised to be with him "in sickness and health".


@katcann88, 

As I understand it, based on your words above, you have 100% decided to get the divorce. So you have made up you rmind. Also, you are not his PARENT (who is someone who might care for a mentally disabled child) but rather you are his PARTNER and he is unable/unwilling to be an equal co-partner. 

So since your mind is made up, and since you are not his PARENT, I would say you are an adult and you can choose to do what you choose. Even in a healthy partnership, there are two whole, healthy people who relate to each other...and each one makes a promise (vow) to spend the rest of their days acting in a way that is loving toward the other. Yeah, I know people aspire to "unconditional love" but in real life, people enter marriages and relationships with conditions, even if the condition is "just demonstrate some attempt to TRY to grow and improve as a partner"...not even needing success! We don't usually attain that perfect level of "unconditional love" when a partner does nothting for us or themselves, harms us and themselves, and in no way participates in the relationship. 

So here's the thing. He is the way he is right now. He is checked-out. Checked out of the marriage, checked out of the family, checked out even of his own life. YOUR choice is to either 100% accept him as he is and choose to love him anyway...or 100% leave him and allow him and yourself the freedom to part ways. I don't think you can leave him and still continue to "take care of him" "provide X Y or Z for him" etc. Make your choice, and stick with it, doing what YOU think is best for you and your children.

Finally, regarding whether the kids would be safe with him and not wanting to deny parental rights etc. after the divorce, instead of 50/50 where you send the kids to live in his unheated, no-water she shed...what if you offered physical custoday with you, split legal custody, "liberal visitation at your home any time he arranges it" and let the kids "home-base" with you and "visit" him whenever the kids and he arrange it with you. This is what my exH and I did in our divorce. I had a 3-BR townhouse--he had a 1-BR apartment--and their school was in the middle of our two homes. They would say "Can we visit dad after school?" and we'd check with dad, and he'd say "Sure sounds fun!" and they would go to his house, have dinner, watch TV with him do homework, then at 10pm I'd go pick them up, drive 'em home to bed. They also could stay on weekends by packing a little backpack on Fridays and sleeping on the couch at his house. 

The idea was that they had a consist, stable place to live and be (my house) and yet they could see their dad as often as he wanted it. Yes, they sometimes forgot stuff, lost/left a paper at his house, etc. but that's life--you deal with that. And yes, our split was probably closer to 75/25 but at that time they needed the stability, and he was not as focused on being a father...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

katcann88 said:


> Also, who in their right mind will sleep three months on a bed too small that gives you daily back pain and in unbearable heat with no utilities?
> A normal person would have survival instincts kick in.


Sheer stubborness? Past behavior on your end has taught him you will do it for him he may very well be trying to out stubborn you. For example, the electricity. He steadfastly refused to take care of it, so you eventually did. All he had to do was wait it out. Biting off his nose to spite his face, yes, but effective.

My sister has ADHD. My father coddled her. No way around it. He did everything important for her well into her adult and motherhood. Sure, she cooked and cleaned and raised her kids, but budgeting, paying bills, fixing, maintaining, replacing, calling repair people, searching rentals and arranging meetings with landlords, finding doctors, etc. was all Dad. And then Dad couldn't do it anymore. Dad's health and finances took a very serious turn and he couldn't manage and pay for her life anymore. She floundered and there were definitely tears and acting out and manipulations and then, in the end, she began to learn. I love my sister and always will, but I didn't like or respect her much until she was damn near in her mid-30's and truly adulting for the first time. Before that point if you'd have asked me if my sister was mentally disabled in some way and/or not that bright, I'd have sadly said yes.The growth I saw in her as a person and as a thinking reasoning being was beautiful to watch. It just took her hitting rock bottom to begin.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

katcann88 said:


> 5 years ago I posted about some of our problems. Well...
> 
> After 10 years, I've decided to leave my husband.
> 
> ...


If you want to leave your husband, leave your husband. You don't seem to like him at all and you describe him like a bum.
Sure, divorce him.

Now part of me was wondering while I read that....you know the feminism....down with evil gender roles society we live in was wondering a couple of things.
"I told him to leave"
As a guy who doesn't like to take **** off of anyone, my hairs bristled a bit on that. Leave? Leave his own house? What the hell is that all about? I wouldn't dare be "ordered" out of my own freaking home because she didn't want me anymore. We divorce, sell the house and split that profit 50/50 OR you stay and pay me my share of the equity and value of the home. You don't just up and order me out one day.

What is that all about? You decided he needs to leave even though you are married....he legally lives there and you are not divorced yet?
Hell if I would put up with that.

.....also...no gender roles. It sounds like you sort of take care of him. And? Men have been taking care of women for years and been providers. Sounds like if the roles are reversed that is some sin. I guess equality and no gender roles is just a load of crap you guys whip out when it suits you.

Anyway, aside from the 2 points I took a little issue with, the parts where you sounds privileged and that you have gall.....by all means, if you can't stand him anymore....divorce him.
Sure. No problem. You just sound like an ***** with the "YOU MOVE OUT" crap. That is what a divorce is for and judges/lawyers work out equitable division and decide if someone keeps a residence and someone moves out. One party doesn't just up and one day say....leave.

Anyway, sure, divorce. Sounds fine.
After a divorce each adult is on their own. It isn't your problem what happens to him. He won't get any visitation if it isn't a safe place.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I don’t blame you one bit for divorcing this man. But here’s the thing, you are going to have to allow him to fall on his face, despite your kids. Your kids have a very safe place to fall with your home. My suggestion would be for you to get full physical custody of them, and let them go and visit their dad whenever they want. Eventually they will get tired of how awful it is at his place, and will over time, stop going. But doing it that way allows a more natural progression for that to happen. Maybe his children dropping out of his life will help give him the kick in the butt that he needs in order to get himself together. Your boys will be fine. His relationship with them is his responsibility, and is entirely up to him. 

I don’t know what is the matter with him, it does sound like he has a serious mental problem, no jokes. No way could I deal with this in my life, I would end things too. I wish you luck. 




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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

hinterdir said:


> If you want to leave your husband, leave your husband. You don't seem to like him at all and you describe him like a bum.
> Sure, divorce him.
> 
> Now part of me was wondering while I read that....you know the feminism....down with evil gender roles society we live in was wondering a couple of things.
> ...


Woah there dude.
I think you need to reel in your personal experiences for a second.

I have no issues whatsoever with stay at home parents. My mom was one and she raised 8 children, kept a 5 acre garden and managed over 75 assorted species of livestock. 
That is insane! But she pulled it off beautifully. 
I know and admire a stay at home dad down the road who simply does house chores, gets the kids to and from school, sports, etc. and does the grocery shopping. 
I don't know what you expect from a spouse but if everything I said in the post sounds normal to you, then your defensiveness totally makes sense.


As far as entitlement and telling him to leave?
He cannot legally live here without me. This is ancestral property. I started making payments when I was 17 and signed a contract that ownership would not pass out of the hands of blood relatives as did my granddad, dad and all my siblings. He knew this before we married and he wanted my house to be a rental. We only moved back when he didn't tell me that he had got behind and couldn't catch up on his house payments. Something he did often which is why I eventually took over all our bills.

He clearly told me that he cannot take care of the kids. So where do you think the boys and I should go? What exactly are you suggesting?
You cannot get a divorce without being separated for a year. 
So am I supposed to uproot my three boys, disregard the legally binding contract and GIVE him my ancestral land?

He is currently living rent free, no utility costs, has our whole livingroom set, furniture, electronics, lamps, all of it! And has thousands of dollars worth of kitchen and bathroom materials just waiting to be unboxed and assembled (something he grew up doing with his dad's business) and though I pay a babysitter on the nights we both work, buy all the kids food, clothing, toys, and sport or educational programs I am not even asking for child support. 


Free living arrangements and no responsibilities except to take care of yourself. 
Yeah. Sounds like a ****ty deal.
Shame on me...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

katcann88 said:


> He is currently living rent free, no utility costs, has our whole livingroom set, furniture, electronics, lamps, all of it! And has thousands of dollars worth of kitchen and bathroom materials just waiting to be unboxed and assembled (something he grew up doing with his dad's business) and though I pay a babysitter on the nights we both work, buy all the kids food, clothing, toys, and sport or educational programs I am not even asking for child support.
> 
> 
> Free living arrangements and no responsibilities except to take care of yourself.
> ...


And this is your whole problem. You're enabling him.

I'm going to say something I hope you don't take offence to because I don't mean to offend. Accept you gave your children a crappy father. Just accept it. Stop trying to prop him up and make him into the responsible, capable, adult parent you wanted them to have and accept he is not and may never be capable of being an actual father. Then make decisions accordingly.

My exH and I married young. He was immature, lacked sense, and was generally incapable of the basics even by the standards of literal teenage me, but I thought surely he'd grow up and stop sucking once he was a father...once he was a husband...once he was the father of 2....once I divorced him... Spoiler alert: Never happened. He's 46 now. He and his new wife and kids are living with his mother, who has managed his life for him in it's entirety and probably always will. I gave my kids a crappy father, too, and had to accept that to truly let go of trying to fix it/him and move on.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> And this is your whole problem. You're enabling him.
> 
> I'm going to say something I hope you don't take offence to because I don't mean to offend. Accept you gave your children a crappy father. Just accept it. Stop trying to prop him up and make him into the responsible, capable, adult parent you wanted them to have and accept he is not and may never be capable of being an actual father. Then make decisions accordingly.
> 
> My exH and I married young. He was immature, lacked sense, and was generally incapable of the basics even by the standards of literal teenage me, but I thought surely he'd grow up and stop sucking once he was a father...once he was a husband...once he was the father of 2....once I divorced him... Spoiler alert: Never happened. He's 46 now. He and his new wife and kids are living with his mother, who has managed his life for him in it's entirety and probably always will. I gave my kids a crappy father, too, and had to accept that to truly let go of trying to fix it/him and move on.


Your not offending at all. 
I honestly don't believe he is capable of getting his life together and can see him being the same as your ex.


I could never go back to loving him romantically, but I do still deeply care and haven't reached the point yet where I can sit back and let him suffer with his consequences without having a massive panic attack. 

Someone earlier said something about him being the kind of person who ends up homeless. 
My heart absolutely broke at that statement. 

I know your right. I know all the commenters are right and that I need to stop all of it. But it's not just a switch that I can flip. As women, we see a need and it's in us to fill it. I cared for this man and gave my marriage everything I had for 10 years and not caring any more is going to be a process.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*@katcann88*
You sound like an awesome lady and I like how you stand up for yourself. I think you may have the KISA (Knight in Shining Armor) syndrome though. As stated earlier you are not his parent and you certainly don't need to "rescue" him. You need to document his irresponsibility so when it comes time for custody arrangements you can prove why you should have full custody. This isn't to punish him or reward you it's what is best for your kids. If he is willing to endure the stuff he has endured he must be OK with it. I get the depression thing and that can really deflate any ambition, but they make plenty of meds that can take care of that. Maybe one last thing you do for him should be trying to get him back to his doctor if he refuses there's not much you can do. After that be done with the babysitting and let him sink or swim on his own. You obviously have the brains and the fortitude to do it just take that step.


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

He is your 4th child. He depends on you for everything via manipulation, guilt and your empathy.

Toss him on his face. Tough love. Then forgive yourself....unless you want the rest of your life like this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

katcann88 said:


> Right now, my reason for giving him a place to live is for the sake of my kids.


What a great excuse. Makes you sound so noble.

The "kid" excuse is what most spouses use when they're too paralyzed by fear to do anything positive about their untenable situations.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

katcann88 said:


> Your not offending at all.
> I honestly don't believe he is capable of getting his life together and can see him being the same as your ex.
> 
> 
> ...


Been there, more or less. I didn't love my exH, but I did want him to get his life straight and be a decent father to my kids. Then I realized something I hadn't seen before. Children live what they learn and they are watching. They see, adsorb, and internalize far more than we give credit for. 

Not only was our marriage a piss poor example of marriage, not only was my exH a piss poor example of male adulthood, not only was he a piss poor example of fatherhood, but managing him was taking time, energy, and resources away from my actual children. 

It's not a switch to flip. It's behaving as if the switch has flipped because you realize that you cannot save him. You can't. Only he can and he won't even begin to think of saving himself as long as you're there doing it for him.

My exH was hanging off a cliff. So were myself and the kids. Guess who I saved?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Do you think some counseling would get you over this emotional hump so to speak? To rid you of the feeling that you need to make sure your H will be ok?

I get where you're coming from. I do. I used to be like you in a previous relationship but it was to my own detriment. And that's an understatement.


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## katcann88 (Nov 8, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> What a great excuse. Makes you sound so noble.
> 
> The "kid" excuse is what most spouses use when they're too paralyzed by fear to do anything positive about their untenable situations.


Everything about divorce is untenable. 
Not sure what side of the fence your taking here, but every divorce has it's horror stories and it's the kids that suffer the most.
We are in the very beginning of our divorce and all studies show that the trauma of a broken home is something that stays with you long into adulthood. 
Again, not sure what it is YOU think I should do but when we sat down to tell them about the divorce all they cared about was if dad moved away. 
Without kids, this whole situation would be very different so while you sarcastically called it "nobel" I sincerely call it good parenting.

Now, as far as being paralyzed with fear? ***** please!
I don't NEED him for anything! I have been handling my life as a single parent for over a year, making incredibly positive improvements for my family and never came to a point that I had to ask for his help. My only fear has been his wellbeing and the safety of our boys while he maintains a relationship with them.
I never pretended to not care about him. As far as divorce goes, ours is very civil and no matter where he goes or what he does, I plan to keep it that way for the simple fact that I'm an adult and don't need to use hateful or hurtful tactics to move on with my life.

So whether you're saying that I'm keeping him around or making him leave out of fear. The answer is neither. I am throughly weighing the options and consequences and taking the physical and emotional health of all involved into consideration. 

It's easy to sit on the outside and know what someone else should do and while I came here for constructive advice, belligerence won't accomplish anything


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Ok then, ancestral property is different from the standard equal ownership marriage. 
You didn't state that detail in your post. 
Just kick him aaall the way out....out into the world. He is an adult. 
He can sink or swim on his own. You own him nothing. 
If he doesn't get a safe place...no judge will give him custodial rights.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

katcann88 said:


> Everything about divorce is untenable.
> Not sure what side of the fence your taking here, but every divorce has it's horror stories and it's the kids that suffer the most.
> We are in the very beginning of our divorce and all studies show that the trauma of a broken home is something that stays with you long into adulthood.
> Again, not sure what it is YOU think I should do but when we sat down to tell them about the divorce all they cared about was if dad moved away.
> ...


Please clean this up. You don't want to get banned for name-calling.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Not everyone can or will grow up and there are numerous reasons for that. My MIL was one who did not and she made life difficult (an understatement) for more than nine decades for everyone in her family. Your STBX is likely to be the same. Maybe there’ll be a miracle at some point but probably not. So it will obviously be up to you to provide your children with the stability that their father isn’t capable of giving them. I hope things work out well for all of you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@katcann88 Something is "off" with your husband. I think that this needs to be investigated, especially if you are going to consider allowing the children to visit him or stay with him. Is he ASD, perhaps?


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