# Husband doesn't stick up for me



## TheAngel (Jun 25, 2021)

I'm gonna spare the details because it's long but basically, my sister in law is getting married (we are all in it) and has been a total nightmare towards me during all of the planning. My husband will not step in and speak up to his mom or sister because he wants to "keep the peace." He said it's not his place and that I "want" him to cause a big fight. 🙄 He wants to let it blow over because his sister is "still family." Am I wrong here to expect him to say something? I cannot go on and pretend like this never happened after everything is over. He agrees her behavior has been inappropriate but refuses to speak up. I told him he needs to stop being afraid of upsetting his parents and he got upset/mad and walked away from me. We have a child and there have been other issues either related to me or our child where he won't speak up to his parents on stuff because he's worried it will cause a fight or argument. I'm really getting sick of it, but I don't know how to communicate this any other way to him so he understands why it is important to me. He really doesn't get it and it feels more like he's staying "neutral" than on my side.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TheAngel said:


> I'm gonna spare the details because it's long but basically, my sister in law is getting married (we are all in it) and has been a total nightmare towards me during all of the planning. My husband will not step in and speak up to his mom or sister because he wants to "keep the peace." He said it's not his place and that I "want" him to cause a big fight. 🙄 He wants to let it blow over because his sister is "still family." Am I wrong here to expect him to say something? I cannot go on and pretend like this never happened after everything is over. He agrees her behavior has been inappropriate but refuses to speak up. I told him he needs to stop being afraid of upsetting his parents and he got upset/mad and walked away from me. We have a child and there have been other issues either related to me or our child where he won't speak up to his parents on stuff because he's worried it will cause a fight or argument. I'm really getting sick of it, but I don't know how to communicate this any other way to him so he understands why it is important to me. He really doesn't get it and it feels more like he's staying "neutral" than on my side.


Have you spoken you mind to the in-laws? Have you let them know you don't like how you are being treated?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Without some details it's hard to comment. Your perception of a "total nightmare" might be different from someone else's.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I don’t tolerate anyone treating my wife poorly family or not.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Simple -- tell him he either straightens this out, or you will cease to do anything with the family when she is involved, and that INCLUDES your son.


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## Unknown2u (May 19, 2021)

x


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

A lot of people use the "they're still family" excuse to let all sorts of mistreatment and abuse go on.
Honestly though, your husband doesn't understand that he created a new, more important family when he said his vows. 
That's just the way it is.

They will never respect you if he doesn't respect you, that's the bottom line. Yes, you can confront them but it sounds like he wouldn't support you if you did.
You have to get to him first and give him something bigger to worry about than his sister and mother. 
This has to be confronted now or you'll be dealing with this kind of crap forever.

One of two things will happen if he confronts them:
They'll back off in which case things will be better for you
They'll cause drama, in which case you can both ask what is the real benefit in that relationship and you'll be better off.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

My dad ONE time disrespected my husband and tried to badmouth him to me. I shut it down and that never happened again. He didn’t dare open his mouth to me ever again and actually then told my husband what a problem I was 😕

Have you ever stood up for yourself in front of your husband and how did he react? Take their side?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Luckylucky said:


> Have you ever stood up for yourself in front of your husband and how did he react? Take their side?


Good question...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Can you give more info on what happens?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not enough info.

Rule #1 : It’s not YOUR wedding. It’s your sister in laws ... therefore your opinion doesn’t much matter in this case.


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## TheAngel (Jun 25, 2021)

Thank you for the responses everyone.

Some background if this helps:

I am planning her shower and paying for it, so I believe in this particular context, my opinion does matter. The actual wedding no, of course not, but when I'm doing something nice for her that is totally optional, then I feel I do get a say in how I want to spend my money and be treated. She's pushed my boundaries, made ridiculous and expensive demands, argued with me about things because she wants them "just so" (even if I can't afford it), and has acted completely ungrateful and bratty towards me when I try and set boundaries on something I am putting a lot money towards. She has treated me like a doormat and hasn't shown me any basic respect. Being a bride doesn't excuse anyone from being a jerk. Again, my husband agrees that her behavior has been out of line (and so do other people I've confided in regarding the situation).

For me to proceed with anything (i.e. if I wanted to drop out, cancel anything, etc), I need my husband's support and back-up or else I will be the bad guy and it will blow up on me. I am completely overwhelmed and stressed as it is over this and I shouldn't be. I am not opposed to talking with them myself, but I do want my husband present and involved in the conversation if it goes that way.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Simply tell Bridezilla that you have reconsidered and will be unable to host her bridal shower. When she asks why tell her it is due to creative differences. It is against common wedding etiquette for a bride to be involved in the planning of her own shower. Look it up. The only part she should be involved in is the guest list.


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## TurnedTurtle (May 15, 2019)

I was just about to ask a rhetorical question that Blondilocks answered -- the bride and her mother really don't have any say in the bridal shower other than suggesting guests to invite. The shower is something put on by the bride's friends and family -- it's their party to put on. If the bride has thoughts or ideas, you can give them due consideration, and ignore the unreasonable ones. Obviously, your husband should have your back, but failing that, maybe you could enlist other friends or family of the bride who are helping you put on this party?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well now that you clarify the situation is a little different. Your are being bullied for sure. I would tell your husband: “ OK it’s yours now. I’m finished with it. “ Let the cards fall where they may and let him handle bridezilla.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The shower is a gift — not an entitlement. He’s likely not going to back you up and if he doesn’t then you’ll have to deal with it, unfortunately.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

My spouse and I got where we are by being willing and able to stand up for ourselves, so I don't see my job as protecting her from pushy in-laws. Rather, to use diplomacy to prevent war from breaking out. Perhaps b/c of all this, my spouse gets along w/ my in-laws just fine.

EDIT: should read "gets along w/ my family just fine"


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

TheAngel said:


> For me to proceed with anything (i.e. if I wanted to drop out, cancel anything, etc), I need my husband's support and back-up or else I will be the bad guy and it will blow up on me.


You are accepting the narrative of the people who put you in this position for their gain, and this is why they did it. There is no way to win this game, so don't play. Tell her you won't be able to be in her wedding and you're dropping out. Don't argue about anything, just repeat as necessary and shut it down.

They will have a fit but once they see you simply won't play it won't be fun any more and they'll find somebody else to push around. Your H will be upset, but if he didn't get involved when it was your problem, he can butt out now that it isn't.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

He's doing the right thing - trying to stay neutral and out of it. Wives are replaceable - family is not.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

SpinyNorman said:


> My spouse and I got where we are by being willing and able to stand up for ourselves, so I don't see my job as protecting her from pushy in-laws. Rather, to use diplomacy to prevent war from breaking out. * Perhaps b/c of all this, my spouse gets along w/ my in-laws just fine.*


Yes, but does she get along with her in-laws?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> Yes, but does she get along with her in-laws?


Oops, yes, that is what I meant.


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## LeslieD125 (Jan 1, 2021)

TheAngel said:


> I'm gonna spare the details because it's long but basically, my sister in law is getting married (we are all in it) and has been a total nightmare towards me during all of the planning. My husband will not step in and speak up to his mom or sister because he wants to "keep the peace." He said it's not his place and that I "want" him to cause a big fight. 🙄 He wants to let it blow over because his sister is "still family." Am I wrong here to expect him to say something? I cannot go on and pretend like this never happened after everything is over. He agrees her behavior has been inappropriate but refuses to speak up. I told him he needs to stop being afraid of upsetting his parents and he got upset/mad and walked away from me. We have a child and there have been other issues either related to me or our child where he won't speak up to his parents on stuff because he's worried it will cause a fight or argument. I'm really getting sick of it, but I don't know how to communicate this any other way to him so he understands why it is important to me. He really doesn't get it and it feels more like he's staying "neutral" than on my side.


I hear your frustration! It can be so hard to feel unimportant to your spouse. There really is a time that "neutral" may not be the best position to take. But since this is her wedding time, it may be best to wait till this time has passed and address the issues later. Respect is a complicated virtue when strong emotion is being felt. Maybe prioritizing respect over vindication till the right time to work through the difficulty is present. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Leslie


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## LeslieD125 (Jan 1, 2021)

LeslieD125 said:


> I hear your frustration! It can be so hard to feel unimportant to your spouse. There really is a time that "neutral" may not be the best position to take. But since this is her wedding time, it may be best to wait till this time has passed and address the issues later. Respect is a complicated virtue when strong emotion is being felt. Maybe prioritizing respect over vindication till the right time to work through the difficulty is present. Hope this is helpful. Blessings, Leslie


Oh. I read your backstory. You're right. You should say something to her in private. There are respectful ways to communicate how she has made you feel: "I feel disrespected and taken-advatage-of when you *___*, I need you to acknowledge the hard work and money that I have put into this event FOR YOU. I didn't have to. And being a bride doesn't excuse your behavior. I would hope better for you." I feel for you.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TheAngel said:


> Thank you for the responses everyone.
> 
> Some background if this helps:
> 
> ...


I see your problem and this may help. 
Never be afraid of appearing to be “the bad guy”. This is just another term for having self respect and an insistence of people treating you respectfully. Going forward in your marriage to your conflict avoidant husband you are probably going to have to get used to it.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

TheAngel said:


> She's pushed my boundaries, made ridiculous and expensive demands, argued with me about things because she wants them "just so" (even if I can't afford it), and has acted completely ungrateful and bratty towards me when I try and set boundaries on something I am putting a lot money towards.


This one is a bit more simple to handle than the overall problem you have with your SIL.
For THIS one, just say "I'm sorry that change you want is something I cannot afford. If YOU really want this, then you can pay for it."

Again though, the BRIDE shouldn't have input into her shower -- back in the day when I got married, my wife didn't even KNOW about the shower -- it was a complete surprise to her.


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## TheAngel (Jun 25, 2021)

Hi everyone. Again, thank you for all the helpful and honest responses. I appreciate it.

I am well aware that the bride isn't supposed to have any input into her shower. Mine was also a surprise. As much I have asserted that, the bride has insisted having all the say and the other girls helping out with the planning are willing to do whatever she wants, while also expecting that I will contribute the extra costs (I made clear to them already I will not be doing this). The bride has made personal demands of me privately so much that it became "ordering" me around and I always pushed back and placed boundaries.



Andy1001 said:


> I see your problem and this may help.
> Never be afraid of appearing to be “the bad guy”. This is just another term for having self respect and an insistence of people treating you respectfully. Going forward in your marriage to your conflict avoidant husband you are probably going to have to get used to it.


Thank you for this. I really needed to hear/read something like this. This is reassurance and validation that I am not being unreasonable. I admit, I am a people pleaser and many people know this about me or learn it very quickly.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

2&out said:


> He's doing the right thing - trying to stay neutral and out of it. *Wives are replaceable - family is not*.


Wtaf?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

why does he have to , the poor guy is been backed into a corner to fight a fight he does not want to fight
he should be free to not take sides ,
some of us think crap like this is not worth getting into
most of these things are just people looking for free stuff ,


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