# I screwed up, confessed, and am fighting for my marriage



## Deepregret (Apr 20, 2011)

I did the right thing and told her what happened. It was a one time mistake over two months ago..and I couldn't live with the guilt of what I had done.

I'm working hard to try to save the marriage...I've scheduled counseling for me. It's only been three days, and she's ready to go to a lawyer...I tried to tell her that she needs time to really think about it and decide if all the good we had in our 9 years is worth giving up. Granted, I am utterly remorseful..and there is a lot of background that goes into why things happened....but I wont get into it here.

SHe has trouble talking about her feelings unless its extreme...All of the infidelity sites I've read told me to be patient, give space...but I'm worried she's moving too fast and not thinking about how final things can be...

Of course I have no right to make her stay...but all I beg is she try to see I am / can be a good man. I was for 8 years...I messed up and am taking blame..but I want to fix us....


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Just do your best. Be the best man you can be. Answer any questions she has honestly. Be there when she needs you for comfort. And be there when she needs to vent to you. 

If it has only been 2 months she is still a freaking mess. It's been 5 months for me and I'm still a bit of a mess.....although getting much better these days. But at 5 months I still second guess myself all the time.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

....sometimes things are best left un-said......


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Deepregret said:


> Of course I have no right to make her stay...but all I beg is she try to see I am / can be a good man. I was for 8 years...I messed up and am taking blame..but I want to fix us....


When you do this I can almost guarantee she feels like you're trying to manipulate or guilt her. Knock it off. Don't focus on the good you've done, at the moment it doesn't matter. You're no longer the man who she was certain would never betray her. She feels like she doesn't know you at all. 

Allow her to have her feelings. If she says she wants to leave don't argue with her. Instead, let her know that's not what you want but that you're willing to do anything to regain her trust. 

I assume you've taken steps to remove the OW from your life completely? Make your W aware of them.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Deepregret said:


> I did the right thing and told her what happened. It was a one time mistake over two months ago..and I couldn't live with the guilt of what I had done.
> 
> I'm working hard to try to save the marriage...I've scheduled counseling for me. It's only been three days, and she's ready to go to a lawyer...I tried to tell her that she needs time to really think about it and decide if all the good we had in our 9 years is worth giving up. Granted, I am utterly remorseful..and there is a lot of background that goes into why things happened....but I wont get into it here.
> 
> ...


First thing, *DON'T PRESSURE HER*. She has every right to end the marriage after your short fling.

You have no idea what the ordeal of being a betrayed spouse is. Not only is the trust gone but the emotional roller-coaster that the betrayed spouse involuntarily is subjected to months and even years after the betrayal. Did I also mention the mental images/movies that the betrayed spouse is subjected to from time to time? Recovery for a betrayed spouse can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years with a qualified therapist.

You also have no idea what life will be like for you if she decides to give you a second chance. For her emotional protection, your right to privacy is gone. It may take years for her to let her guard down enough to allow you to have some privacy. You will have to accept being monitored day in and day out, and always be in reach when she tries to contact you. Sure you may say 'I'm willing to do this if that is what it takes to save my marriage' but until you crossed that bridge you will never know if you have the intestinal fortitude to endure life after the affair.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

She needs to make up her own mind. You can't pressure her it will just piss her off, she needs time. If she moves out then she moves out.

Her life with you as she knew it, has been uprooted from what you have done. 

I also agree with everyone else above...


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Dude- YOU ****ED UP! Now you gotta role with the punches. Its not for you to decide ANYMORE.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Deepregret said:


> I did the right thing and told her what happened. It was a one time mistake over two months ago..and I couldn't live with the guilt of what I had done.
> 
> I'm working hard to try to save the marriage...I've scheduled counseling for me. It's only been three days, and she's ready to go to a lawyer...I tried to tell her that she needs time to really think about it and decide if all the good we had in our 9 years is worth giving up. Granted, I am utterly remorseful..and there is a lot of background that goes into why things happened....but I wont get into it here.
> 
> ...


I was all over the map when I found out about his affair. It is in your favor that you told her before she found out on her own. I had to pry it out of my H. At first I told him to get the hell out. Then he pointed out that she would swoop in and take advantage because she didn't want the A to end ( he'd already told her it was over). I hated her more than him, at that point and I didn't want to make anything easy for her. I let him stay and we continue to work on repairing the damage. There are times when I am really pissed at myself for taking him back(pride I guess), but mostly I am glad I did. He is basically a very good man, that's exactly what she was attracted to. I can't fault her taste, just her scruples. The problem I have is that I wanted the marriage I had, not this altered one. He changed the way I see him forever, some people can't get beyond that. If she is one of those people you will have to accept it.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Deepregret said:


> I did the right thing and told her what happened. It was a one time mistake over two months ago..and I couldn't live with the guilt of what I had done.
> 
> I'm working hard to try to save the marriage...I've scheduled counseling for me. It's only been three days, and she's ready to go to a lawyer.._.I tried to tell her that* she needs time* to really think about it and decide if all the good we had in our 9 years is worth giving up._ Granted, I am utterly remorseful..and there is a lot of background that goes into why things happened....but I wont get into it here.
> 
> ...


I don't think you should be telling her about "needing" to do anything. You needed to not cheat, but that didn't stop ya.

You're worried about her not thinking? What is your excuse during your affair?

You "want to fix us"? First admit to needing to fix yourself. The us part will come when she's ready to move forward towards reconciliation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What was missing in the mariage that caused you to stray?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

the guy said:


> What was missing in the mariage that caused you to stray?


Keep in mind that he may have been damaged way before he got married and that the marriage may not have been lacking.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

Can I ask why you cheated? I am on the other end in a similar situation, and would be interested as to why you cheated since it sounds like you do want your marriage to work...


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

morituri said:


> First thing, *DON'T PRESSURE HER*. She has every right to end the marriage after your short fling.
> 
> You have no idea what the ordeal of being a betrayed spouse is. Not only is the trust gone but the emotional roller-coaster that the betrayed spouse involuntarily is subjected to months and even years after the betrayal. Did I also mention the mental images/movies that the betrayed spouse is subjected to from time to time? Recovery for a betrayed spouse can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years with a qualified therapist.
> 
> ...



WELL SAID MORITURI - that's what I have been trying to tell my H. He has NO idea what I am going through or will be going though from here on out


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