# So numb....



## Imagin68 (Jul 15, 2012)

I'm almost at a loss for words....my guy of 9 years tells me last night that if it weren't for our two sons, he wouldn't be with me. I keep thinking what I've done wrong...I can't think of anything. I work, I keep the house clean, I take care of my son, and when school is in, I go to school. 
I am a social butterfly and need a lot of attention and he long ago stopped giving me any. I by no means cheat on him in any way mind you but I do have to talk to people or else I'll go mad. I only have 4 close friends and one of which is a guy with a wife. My guy gets mad at me for waving to another guy and asking how they are doing. He says I am always saying hello to other guys....mind you, I'm just really friendly and if guys get fresh, I'll knock them out in two seconds flat. I don't stand for it. But if my guy see's me being nice to another guy, he turns into an a hole and is rude to these people I know.
He's also told me that I don't help out with the bills and he feels like he's the only one working and that he's just around to pay bills. This is complete bull crap because I work and I know I'm not spending my whole check to myself.
He tells me today that I am not allowed to have guy friend's, I have to pay more bills, come up with half of the rent, and I'm not allowed to go and visit my guy best friend and his wife because its too far away and I'm not allowed to ask him for money anymore. If I can come up with the money out of my check then I can do so. 
I feel supressed and I think I am in shock. If it were anyone else I would have booted him out the door but I don't make that much money and can't live on my own and no one else is single around my age. IDK....


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## turkish (Jun 24, 2012)

I'm going to hazard a guess that your guy is also sexually starved...?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Ask him directly what you can fix while he is staying for the kids... that isn't reason enough... you have to find out what is wrong and fix it and stop making friends with teh opposite sex since it bothers him, reverse the shoe, how would you feel if he was making friends with females all the time?


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## jennz (Jul 14, 2012)

Do you love him? When I was going through a tough time (he cheated on me...but that is in another post) I wrote down a list of pros and cons, it really helped to put it all down in writing. I was surprised by all the things that I loved about him and decided that it was definately worth giving it a second try. I actually showed him the list and we talked about both sides of it. It really helped both of us.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with livelaughlovenow. Your being flirty with other men (regardless of where it goes) is completely disrespectful to your man (ESPECIALLY when you do this in front of him) and has probably left him wondering about your commitment to him and your fidelity.

He probably stopped giving you all the attention because yoy seemed to be getting enough elsewhere and to be honest, it's alot of work (especially for 9 years.

I was also curious about your sex life. How often do the 2 of you make love a week?

You say you're not spending your whole check on yourself. What % of it do you spend on yourself and what % of his check does he spend on himself? Also, what % of your check currently goes to household expenses ansd what % of his check goes to household expenses?

"If it were anyone else I would have booted him out the door but I don't make that much money and can't live on my own and no one else is single around my age. IDK..."

This statement right here makes him sound like he is only a paycheck to you! Take a step back and look at your behavior and how you talk about your man. You may learn something about yourself


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

She won't come back. She can't handle the truth......


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree Enginerd. Another Hit and Run poster who wants to lay all the problems of a marriage on the other person


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Imagin68 said:


> tells me last night that if it weren't for our two sons, he wouldn't be with me.


For the last several years of our sexless period I felt like this. I never actually said the words, but at one point my wife suggested that this is how I felt and I didn't deny it. We're in a much better place now but for me this feeling at the time all stemmed from a lack of sex. When I'm getting lots of good sex I can overlook just about any other issue, aside from infidelity.


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## Imagin68 (Jul 15, 2012)

I came back, I just work a lot. Lets see, I don't flirt with other guys. I'm not that type of woman. I say hello and ask how they are doing. I don't call them up or text them but when I see them out, I'm polite. I don't know where you got that I'm flirting especially in front of my man. When he see's an old chick friend, I don't get upset about it. I think its nice he's actually talking to someone instead of sitting in the house all day long doing nothing like he usually does. 

I'm not placing the blame on him but the fact of the matter is, he is not a people person. He wants us to sit in the house and do nothing but watch tv and play video games and not to talk to anyone. I actually need to talk to people. I like it. and also, if I were to leave him, I couldn't afford it and he couldn't afford to live with out me so we kind of need each other financially.

Each of our checks go equally to bills. I've got 4 bills in my name which is water, sewage, phone, and internet. He has electric and gas and we both have half of rent. I make about 350 (on a good check) every 2 weeks. He makes about 600 every two weeks. He makes more then I do and since I use all my money for bills and what not, I ask him for around the house stuff we need money. 

We don't have sex. He's really rude and mean when he's at home so it turns me off and not to mention that he doesn't shower like he should. I tell him he needs to shower before that kind of stuff but he's too lazy I guess. He's an emotional dude and I try my hardest to make him happy. But when I have just got home from work, cleaned the house, did the laundry, made sure dinner was done and try to talk to him and he doesn't say anything but rude crap....how do you think I'm going to feel at the end of the day? 

It just hurt hearing him say that he hasn't wanted to be with me these past two years when all I've done is bend over backwards for him.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Without sex EVERYTHING else you do for him means NOTHING. Cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry, all of it means exactly zero.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

You won't have sex with him and the reason you don't leave him is because it's too hard to be a single mom not making enough money. It sounds like he's right. You just keep him around for his paycheck.

As WorkingOnMe said: *Without sex EVERYTHING else you do for him means NOTHING. Cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry, all of it means exactly zero. *

With that said, the issues you bring up about his hygiene, rudeness and other unattractive habits may be unacceptable. Personally, I think it's inappropriate for a woman in a monogamous relationship to go off and do things with other male "friends". But that's for the two of you to work out. If it's a deal breaker for him, you should either stop or not be with him. Likewise, if his hygiene is a deal breaker for you, either he needs to shower daily or leave and be with someone who will have sex with a dirty, stinky dude.

Basically the two of you together need to discuss what is unacceptable deal-breaker behavior. If you can't agree on it and hold to what you agree on, then you need to split up. 

Oh, and of course he's jealous. Of course he's being moody and surly. He;s not getting sex.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

by not haveing sex and indicating that you don't leave is because it would be to hard you basicaly told him the same thing along time ago.

so why are you so numb seems like you both are crazy!!!!!!


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## Paulination (Feb 6, 2012)

turkish said:


> I'm going to hazard a guess that your guy is also sexually starved...?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nailed it.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I'm not saying this to be mean, but just from a guy's perspective.

You lack respect for your SO, you view him negatively, you don't appreciate him (your mocking him here that he doesn't have any goals and has poor hygiene), and you don't have sex with him.

Then, you discuss needing to get your needs met outside the relationship (by talking to people), including with other men. In fact, one of your best friends is a married man, that you travel very far to see. So basically, you are doing the emotional version of cheating on your SO, by getting your needs met by someone that is not him (ie your male best friend).

Would you be comfortable if your man was getting his needs met by another woman?

I have respect for the guy that at least he's telling you about it. Though I think he needs to follow through.

If you want your relationship to be a success, YOU'RE going to have to change. Not because he doesn't also have to make some changes, but because we can't change other people, only ourselves.

I'd start with:

1. Showing some respect for your SO. Not saying anything negative about him. Thinking about things that he says, does, or is that you appreciate. I can already come up with one thing for you from your post if you can't.

2. Give the man some sex. Right now he doesn't have anything to look forward to or any motivation. Create some for him.

3. End this relationship with your male friend, because it's not healthy and dangerous for both you and him. Getting your emotional needs met outside the relationship is cheating.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

Ummmmmm, has everyone just overlooked the fact that she CLEARLY stated hes rude and mean with her throughout the day? How do you guys just expect her to have sex with him when it's war between them before? This isn't all her fault. Clearly there's something going on between them that's not been told yet. Bigger problems that have lead to their sexless, mean, cruel life. I smell resentment too, for god knows what reason.
Imagin -- What are you not telling us? :/


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well someone has to take the first step. And she's the one who's here.


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## amillionpieces85 (Jul 23, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Well someone has to take the first step. And she's the one who's here.


Understandable, BUT he's the one that's being mean. He's the one that told her he's only with her because of the 2 kids they have together. Then she's just supposed to have sex with him?? Hmmm. I think their problems are much deeper than the OP is leading on.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...when someone is being mean, the vag doesn't want to open up.

I know guys don't "get that", but it's true.

But the cycle has to stop somewhere in this relationship. COMMUNICATE!

ETA: An angry vag is a dry vag. Dry vaggies don't like being intruded. The last thing you want when you are being treated like crap, is that person on and inside of you, sweating.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Is he being mean as in calling names and belittling you? or is being mean him salking and being short with you because he has years of pent up sexual frustration?

define how he is mean and tell us how long and why you first started advoiding sex. and have you ever sat down and said these things to him directly (not hinting or inuendos).


there always 2 sides to a story. and there is blame on both sides ....BUT you were the bigger person and decided to try to find help. so this kinda falls on your shoulders to get the ball rolling.

Oh , as for the hygeine thing ...well that should be part of the overall decussion that so desperatly needs to happen.

unfortunatly the longer the resentment builds the harder it is to overcome. so if it were me and if I wanted to give it one more for the gipper I would start sooner rather than later. maybe hes already checked out for good.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'm not saying this to be mean, but just from a guy's perspective.
> 
> You lack respect for your SO, you view him negatively, you don't appreciate him (your mocking him here that he doesn't have any goals and has poor hygiene), and you don't have sex with him.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


They should also divorce because they do not have a consummate love. 

His views of the marriage is a joke

Her views of the marriage are a joke

she wants to lay all problems on him

She has no understanding she is hugely at fault simply for the fact she married this man!!! she may not be the rude person or the one who is mean but she did marry this man.

I am sorry to say but people get what they get. Unless you are forced into a marriage you cannot always blame the other person.

ive seen to many divorces


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea...when someone is being mean, the vag doesn't want to open up.
> 
> I know guys don't "get that", but it's true.
> 
> ...


yes he sounds like a jerk i advice her to move on and divorce. Divorce before an affair occurs

if he is rude and not caring and gives her no attention i do not blame her entirely for not wanting sex.

But she acts like "what did i do wrong"

well sorry to say but you marrying him was likely a wrong thing. I just think its odd how on here often one individual in the marriage is never wrong and its always the other. I do not get that usually its on both parts.


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## Imagin68 (Jul 15, 2012)

The guy friends that I am friends with....I don't go to their houses and I don't call them just for pointless chatter. The best friend that lives an hour away, I have been friends with and have seen as a brother for 15 years now. We met when we were kids so I don't see him going away.

And again, I don't understand where the guys who are saying that I need to get rid of my male friends. I thought I told you that its more of a polite thing. If I see them out, I wave hello and ask how they are. Conversation is like 2 minutes. 

If my guy is with me and I see these guy friends out, I introduce. My guy has some chick friends and I have no problem when him being friends with them (THIS IS ANOTHER STATEMENT I FEEL LIKE I'VE REPEATED BUT SEEMS LIKE NO ONE SEE'S). 

I used to respect him. He used to be my world. He cheated on me when our first son was 5 months old and then again 3 years ago. I left him after that. I didn't leave because of the cheating because you can work through stuff like that. I left because it seemed like everytime I opened my mouth, I annoyed him or pissed him off. He didn't want me there.

He begged and begged for me back and I told him the only way I'd come back is if he'd quit acting like I was some kind of disease. He did well for a long time. But he's acting like this again. 

Oh and the whole, I can't leave him because I can't afford it....I don't want to leave him but it seems like everytime I discuss this with my friends (who are obviously on my side and can't give me a decent opinion) they tell me to leave so I just put that out there before anyone suggested it. I don't see him as a pay check. I see him as my boyfriend that I've had for 9 years and that is my best friend.

Forgive me for not wanting to have sex with someone who tells me he hasn't loved me in a long time. It makes me feel embarrased and unwanted and that when he wants sex, I'm just being used. I just can't do it. I end up feeling dirty after.

I know that for most men, sex is put up on a high class shelf and its the all powerful cure but for a woman who doesn't get any attention from her man and never gets told she's pretty and is always getting yelled at....women can't find the drive for that kind of activity.

Stop being mean. I know truth hurts but a lot of you could have asked and not pointed a finger and say THIS IS WHAT YOU SHOULD HAVE DONE.


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## Imagin68 (Jul 15, 2012)

oh and we used to have sex up until a few months ago and if you all must know, our second son Asher, died last year in april. Its been rough on me to no ends and he never talks or thinks about it. On Ashers birthday, he went to work while I was left all alone.


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