# In so much pain - husband started drinking again



## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I had 3 wonderful weeks of marriage when my husband decided to quick drinking. He was so different it was hard to believe. I finally had a normal life. We had conversations, he did stuff around the house, he wanted to go for walks, we made errands together, we laughed. 

All of that changed this weekend when he went to the bar once, then twice. Now he is back at it again. He goes there at least 5 days a weeks for at 3 hours a day. He comes home and passes out. When he had stopped drinking his "so called friends" never even called to see if he was okay. Yet he is back hanging out with them and ignoring the people who care about him most.

I am back to feeling a widow. So alone. I got use to being alone and then I got a taste of what life with a normal could be like -- and then it was ripped from me. When he first started I stayed in bed for 2 days. He knows had bad it hurts me, but he still does it.

WHY?? WHY?? I can't take this life anymore. I don't want to live like this. Why me?


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Do you attend Al-anon meetings for family members of addicts? (or other support groups)

May find some answers there.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

I think you should talk to yyour husband when he is sober and remind him of all the things that were great when he was sober also let him know that you wont be living a life by being the wife of a alcoholic. What is he like when he is drunk is he abusive at all??? You need to talk to a specialist and find out why he drinks Its hard living with an alcohlic I think you should contact your doctor to come and see him when he is sober so they can have a talk with him. Good luck


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Well, to begin with, you are married to an alcoholic. So am I. I'm going to tell you things you don't like to hear, but it's the truth. Alcoholics lie. They quit. They declare they know they have a problem. They white-knuckle it, thinking they can "control" their drinking.

"Why me?" Why not? He is doing what A's do; and that is to live in laa-laa land while their sober partner/enabler is going nuts trying to fix what is wrong. Can't be done.

Every alcoholic in recovery I've ever known, and I've know many, has told me the same thing: they could NOT get sober (as in really sober) until they worked a strong program. Length of time working a program didn't matter as much as their dedication to go to any lengths to stay sober (a.k.a. "depth" of recovery).

So, the C's of this disease as far as you are concerned are this: you didn't *cause* it, you can't *control* it, and you can't *cure* it.

Call your local Al-Anon office, and get into a meeting. The program only asks you try six meetings. If it doesn't feel like a good fit, then fine. However, don't expect Al-Anon to focus on the addict in your life or give you pointers as to how you can get him to see the light. Expect to learn how to live your own life, on your side of the street, without the loneliness, anger, frustration, regret, and other feelings that come from living with someone who suffers from alcoholism.


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you so much for your support. I went to one al - anon meeting. It wasn't for me. My husband is a "functioning" alcoholic. Meaning he has a job - but lately, just barely. He is starting to get serious bouts of depression where he threatens to give up his job and give up on life. That's when he becomes the stereotypical alcoholic - drinking at bars all day long and driving under the influence.

He just came home and saw me crying. I told him I was hurting because he started drinking. I reminded him that he said his life was better without drinking and he got very angry and started screaming F-bombs and slamming doors, throwing and breaking dishes in the sink. I can't tell you how many doors he has ripped off the hinge in his rage. He told me if I don't like it to leave. He can't take this controlling what he does. So basically I can't bring it up if I don't want him to rip the house apart.

I already spoke to his doctor. I told him he quit. He told me my husband will need help to quit. But I was sure this time was different and he could do it on his own. 

I did tell his mother about this and sometimes I think she even gets upset at me. I don't know why. Like she thinks it is my fault? His father was an alcoholic and even his mother says he and his father are the same. The father wasn't much of a family man and was always at the bar, while the mother kept things together. My husband and his father have a "distant" relationship. I think this is the route of my husbands problem. The sad part is my husband's son who is 30, has started making visiting bars every day not just like his dad. (but he has no job and has had a drug addiction), 

No one in my family had issues with abuse and because my husband and I had a long distance relationship, I didn't realize that he had this problem until we actually lived together. I would not have married him knowing this life. I wish I could get out of it sometimes. but I have nowhere to go.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

You can get help with rehousing but you need to ask yourself if you really want to leave??? Theres only so much a person can take which is completely understandable, you need to be carefully that he doesnt lash out on you some alcoholics see the red mist and just attack anything in front of them be carefully that you are not that thing. I think you should leave him on his own for a bit and let come to see sense on his own when he realises that drink has cost him his marriage then there may be a chance that he will change. Some alcoholics be in denial and they think that they dont have a problem sounds to me that he knows that he has a problem but doesnt want to accept it. If he hasnt got a bond with his dad that is not your fault also his mum probably has dealt with his dad being an alcoholic that she is just to tired to deal with her son which is selfish and wrong.


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

marriagesucks said:


> When he had stopped drinking his "so called friends" never even called to see if he was okay. Yet he is back hanging out with them and ignoring the people who care about him most.


His drinking friends offer him support, and never nag him about his vice.

You, who cares about him so much, have done what? You could go to AA meetings, read books seek counselling... Filing for divorce, or threatening too.
Point is, by standing on the sidelines and playing the victim, or perhaps standing there and getting angry at him arent going to do a thing to help change him around.


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## RelationshipCoach (Nov 7, 2011)

He can't help himself, you can't help him....you can can only help yourself. I know you love him and you want to help him. But you will only hurt yourself in the process - more than you already are hurt. 

You don't have to leave him forever - but you do need to be able to get your life together and yourself to a point where you aren't reacting to his reactions. 

Counseling for you would greatly help you out. It will help you see that this is a problem that you can help him with until he is ready for help and wants help. That you need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You don't need to look down on your decision to marry him...you didn't know and for some people alcoholism doesn't come in until after marriage - so it can happen to anyone. Just take care of yourself... 

~Marcie


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

He needs to stop drinking. There are many ways to do that, but they all depend on him making the decision to do so.


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## Yardman (Sep 10, 2011)

Here is a chart comparing and contrasting different programs. Hope he finds one that is a good fit for him.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would say offer that he should drink at home in your house. Maybe he would agree to that to please you. You say his friends are anyway not interested in him. At least then you may have some control on how much he drinks. You say he is not too pleased at work than can also bring on the drink. At least give him a welcome home to come to.


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