# Divorce over BPD, cheating, addictions, etc...



## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

Well, where to start..
there's some other posts I did about the struggles my husband and I went through. Long story short -
Married, went through *a lot* together but always of the mindset that failure wasn't an option and unless you put your absolute everything into something you haven't tried hard enough. All started one Sunday morning when I woke up to him crying in bed, and he told me he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. I calmly told him I respected him for being honest with me and I could never blame him for his feelings, so we could amicably split and no big deal. I would never want anyone to be with me who didnt whole heartedly want to be with me. I calmed him down after an hour or so and then told me I needed to go for a drive to sort out my own feelings...
He called me about an hour later and asked if I could come home and talk.. I told him there wasn't much to talk about, and he asked me too again.. I did and he told me he was scared and he really was head over heels in love with me, but his psychologist suggested he had Borderline Personality Disorder and didn't know how to tell me and was afraid of me leaving him.
I told him I would put as much effort into our marriage as he did into treatment, and as long as he was trying so would I.
That went great for about 2 weeks till 1 day it actually sunk into him that he had a problem, and he snapped. He tried buying a corvette, got a 22 year old girlfriend, started drinking (he's an alcoholic), losing his temper violently, and going on the internet to find women to sleep with.
I had a funny inclination and saw a lawyer who urged me to get a private investigator. I pretended everything was fine and hung tight while the PI followed my husband on a road-trip across the country he took with the girlfriend, and to meetings he went too with married women off the internet, etc etc. Read everything my PI got from the unsecured network, like him sending out our wedding pictures with me cropped out to random women, and him asking me how to spell words to use in dirty emails to random women on dating sites.. etc etc..
Eventually after about 2 months the PI had enough that I could back him into a corner enough I met him at his parents and presented him with the separation agreement, affidavit of adultery for him to sign, and the keys to our place. I left with a suitcase of clothes and my vehicle, and left him everything.
It's funny... I haven't once cried over the disentregration of my marriage - I think after the ugly ending I was all cried out and desensitized, but I now have developed this intense fear of hearing those words again... I love you, but I'm not in love with you.. for some reason these stay with me and I can't get over them.
I am terrified of giving myself completely to someone else and hearing them again. It was like the worst scenerio of the 'pulling the rug from under you' magnified a thousand...
Anyone else had this?
It's been since July I left him, and those words still haunt me...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It can take a long time to heal from what you have been through. 

It sounds like his diagnosis set him free to do as he pleases. After all he has a desease and thus it's not fault.

Take time to heal. Some people will get into a transition relationship. It can help healing come quicker at the expense of the person being used. So mostly, just concentrait on yourself but don't let this turn you into someone who is afraid to ever get attached again. Just do so more wisely. You know what personality distorders and mental illnesses look like now.. avoid anyone with those. Avoid abusers, generally the sign of an abuser is that they seem too good to be for real... that's because they are play acting until they snar you.

Just work on being the best YOU that can be.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

I completely understand you. I heard the "I will always love you" bullcrap that my husband fed me when we spoke of divorce earlier this year. Though when I left him (the first time) he freaked out and did everything to get me back. Including the big fat lie of looking into my eyes and promising he will always take care of me, no matter what.

Big. Fat. Liar. 

I'm concerned about hearing those words again. I left him the second time, for good this time, and I'm worried I will hear those words again from someone and never be able to believe them. How could I? My husband broke every single promise he ever made to me. Not just the big ones either, all the little ones as well. He promised me everything and thought nothing when he stripped them out from under me. My insecurities are much more than I thought they were.

I know they say not to date again until you have healed yourself, but you can't begin to trust again until someone gives you a reason to trust them and holds up to the promises they make to you. When you are brave enough to face your fears and go out to see someone knew, you give yourself up to being hurt again. You have to relearn how to trust, love and believe again. The damage has been done and you have to figure out how to redo everything after the pain you've been through.

I have to harness the fear of being abandoned (my husband abandoned us twice) and lied to. I guess it comes with time. But those words, and the way he looked at me when he promised me, will always haunt me.


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

JazzTango2Step said:


> I completely understand you. I heard the "I will always love you" bullcrap that my husband fed me when we spoke of divorce earlier this year. Though when I left him (the first time) he freaked out and did everything to get me back. Including the big fat lie of looking into my eyes and promising he will always take care of me, no matter what.
> 
> Big. Fat. Liar.
> 
> ...


*HUGE hug!*
I am so sorry to hear that  From the sounds of it you have no place to go but up.

I soooo understand the words that haunt you.. Haunting is actually the perfect words..


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