# how does one find someone new?



## need_help_to_recover

I am in the middle of a separation. And although I won't actually be dating anytime soon, I am beginning to wonder what it takes. 
I am a south asian man in my mid 30s with a little pre-schooler. I live in north california. 

Just wondering, what do men do in my situation. I have never quite approached women, and I am not sure how I would go about it and where. I am assuming its going to be hard to find someone interested in me. 

Is there anything I should be doing that will help my chances in the long run?

I am short, and I suppose that could be an issue as well. I am outgoing, and I think, I am interesting. But its been a while since I dated, so , actually, I have no clue whether I would be appealing to women. 

Any thoughts?


----------



## Spicy

Nothing you have described here is anything that most women would find unappealing.
Perhaps set up a dating profile on somewhere like POF.com
That allows you to say your height, body type, if you have children and/or want/don't want children etc.
You can also post some nice pictures of yourself. 

IF they are looking for a tall man, they won't contact you or reply. Same goes for if they are looking for a man without kids.
Or I imagine if they are not attracted to Asian men etc.

You will just have to put yourself out there a bit, and be cautious about scammers on dating sites too. Don't post pictures of your child. Use common sense.

If you are not super picky (she has to be model beautiful, no kids, great job etc) then I think you will have a very good chance of starting to date as soon as you are ready. I wish you success. I met my DH on that site, and I was also brand new to dating, and dating online. There are great people out there looking for love!


----------



## EleGirl

Do you have many friends who you do things with? You might want to start by building up your social circle.

There is a good website, meetup.com, that has all kinds of meetups that you could join. Here where I live there are meetups for all kinds of things like kayaking, hiking, walking groups, divorced dad, cooking groups, book clubs... well there are hundreds of them so I cannot list them all. But the idea is that you find things that are interesting to you and you just go. There you will meet both men and women who enjoy the same things you do. It's a good way to start getting out with people without the pressure.

There is another group, Parents Without Partners. They have a chapters all over the country. I know my ex (son's father) joined after we divorced. He ended up marrying a woman he met there.

Basically you get busy doing things you enjoy, and things with your child. And you just might meet someone. If not at least you are enjoying your life.


----------



## Bananapeel

First of all, take some time to self reflect and try to figure out why your marriage failed and how you can improve as a person so that future relationships go better. Then decide what type of man you want to be and become that man. Basically, learn to be the best version of yourself you can and you'll do much better dating.

To meet women you need to get comfortable with approaching them and talking with them, and get to the point that rejection doesn't bother you (reach the mindset that you'd rather approach and be rejected then to waste your time not knowing whether you have a chance with them). Also, make it a point to talk to women everywhere, of all ages, and all levels of attractiveness so that you become comfortable chatting with a stranger. After that you can and will meet women everywhere. 

A more direct approach is to have your friends set you up or pick women up online (good quality women are few and far between on the internet, but they exist). 

You'll also need to try to change your mindset that it's going to be hard to find someone interested in you. That is not attractive thinking and it's unlikely to get you a great woman. Instead be proud of your good qualities and work on your bad ones. Remember, everyone has baggage and no one is perfect. You don't need to be perfect, instead you just need to be compatible with your partner and be able to develop a good relationship with them. 

Good luck!


----------



## Ynot

The first "new" person you need to meet is YOU. Once you come to know and love that person (YOU) you will find that meeting someone else is effortless.They will come to you. You will attract them naturally based on who you are, what you do, what you want etc. IOW they will share similar ideals and interests. Do not worry about find someone else, first find your self.
One of the great things about a divorce or a break up is that now you have a chance to fix anything that is broken and become a more real and authentic version of you. Most times we do not realize just how flawed we truly are. We think because we have found someone who accepts us, that we must be OK. But the reality is that most of those who accept us as we were are equally flawed to begin with. More often than not the resulting relationship is destined to fail as the flaws grow to become full scale chasms. But now you have a chance to become a better version of your self. Don't seek to rebuild, seek to become better.


----------



## Vinnydee

Three of my divorced friends signed up for one of the popular online dating services. All three met people that they married and are still married to, even though one or both of them had children. What is good about the dating websites is that people know upfront that you have a kid and your status. If you go out to bars and clubs you can end up spending the evening with someone who does not want to date a guy with a kid or who is divorced, etc.. Dating online puts it all there for the women to see so those that contact you are OK with your situation. There are even women who cannot have kids who would be interested in you.

Plus my guy friends said that they were having a lot of sex with the women they met on dating sites because like you, it had been a long time without it. I do not know anyone who has not succeeded using an online dating site although I am sure there are those who have not had luck. I think it is the best way to get back up on the horse.


----------



## Evinrude58

One thing: PATIENCE

Don't fall for the first person that comes along. Don't be afraid to lose a woman. Don't get too attached. IF you find one you really like, don't ever let them know that you like them enough that you couldn't stand to lose them. EVER. AT that moment, they will start using you as their doormat.


----------



## Steve1000

need_help_to_recover said:


> Is there anything I should be doing that will help my chances in the long run?
> 
> I am short, and I suppose that could be an issue as well. I am outgoing, and I think, I am interesting. But its been a while since I dated, so , actually, I have no clue whether I would be appealing to women.
> 
> Any thoughts?


I'm tall and on-line dating did not work for me. In fact, my lack of success on POF temporarily damaged my self-confidence. 

I was much more successful off-line for some reason. 

I have two suggestions. First, hang out with people who share your hobbies or interests. Second, Meetup has some pretty good groups. The first couple of times are awkward, but eventually you become part of the group. 

I also suggest that you have a very open mind about which type of women you would like to date. At a large Chinese New Year gathering in my city, I noticed a few couples in which the man was east Asian and the woman was either white or black. Many women reportedly prefer taller men, but there are also quite a few women who are taller and very much in love with their shorter husbands.


----------



## Steve1000

Vinnydee said:


> I do not know anyone who has not succeeded using an online dating site although I am sure there are those who have not had luck.


Hi, I'm Steve. Nice to meet you!


----------



## need_help_to_recover

Wow! That is a lot of sincere and thoughtful advice. 

I am working on myself. And there is a lot to work on. Body. Mind. Soul. It has given me some joy to know that I want to be better. A better man. 

Yes, I was and am deeply flawed, but I suppose, I want to improve, be happier. 

I have been working out religiously. Lost 20 lbs. Training to climb a mountain. 
I am trying to be social. Learning to connect and talk to people. Trying to make new friends. 
Trying to get into the music scene. Maybe even take a few dance classes. 

I am picky. But learning not to be. I probably pick women based on my hormones. I will likely want to take 6months to a year, to rebuild my confidence and joy in doing things for myself. be excited about life. I lost that a long time ago.


----------



## EleGirl

I think most of us pick mates based on our hormones... that's what gets us in trouble. >

Just to get an idea... how tall are you?


----------



## SunCMars

You need to mingle with other S.E. Asians.

Where? Be a regular at the plethora of Asian Restaurants and Asian food stores in your state, from Chinese, to Thai, to Vietnamese, to Burmese, to Indonesian. When in these places "casually" mention that you are not married. Ask them about Asian get togethers and events. 

Whatever your HOO,"Home Of Origin" is, Google "it" and then add your "State" to the query. Two words. You will be amazed at all the hits this will deliver.

Some Mexican women are short, also.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

I am 5'4" - 5'5" somewhere there.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

for disclosure, I am at three months into my separation. And our divorce is probably a year or so out.


----------



## musicftw07

Avoid OLD (online dating). My experience is that it's a cesspool and it's heavily skewed in women's favor. I'm 5'8" and lost count of the number of profiles I encountered that said "Don't bother if you're at least 5'10"." 

However, I've had outstanding luck with meeting women in real life. I just live my life and do my thing, and new people have a way of coming into your life simply by living it. My lack of tallness hasn't been a deterrent at all in the real world, only on OLD.

I also have a 9 year old daughter, and that hasn't been a deterrent for me whatsoever. In fact, most of the women I've encountered totally dig a good dad.

Don't be hasty about jumping into the dating pool, though. Taking time off from dating after my divorce and learning how to be comfortable alone was invaluable to me.

After a few years, a couple failed relationship, and a few sexual partners, I met my GF who is without a doubt one of the best human beings I've ever met. Someday she'll be my wife, without a doubt.

But it's okay to take your time getting there. No rush at all.


----------



## EleGirl

need_help_to_recover said:


> I am 5'4" - 5'5" somewhere there.


Not a problem. There are plenty of women who care more about a man's character than high height.

I'm 5'3". I've dated been who were 5' tall and men who were 6'4" and some in-between.


----------



## Diana7

need_help_to_recover said:


> for disclosure, I am at three months into my separation. And our divorce is probably a year or so out.


 I would definitely wait till the divorce is final before you think of dating. Maybe even give it a year or so after that.We need that time to heal and reflect and get emotionally ready for another relationship. So many men in particular jump into a new relationship far too soon.
Use this time to be the best dad you can and get involved in things in your area. 
If you have a faith then you will find dating sites for those of that faith. For example, I met my husband on a Christian dating site.


----------



## Wolf1974

Just sign up for dating and meetup sights and go meet as many people as you can. Some will stick and others won't but you won't be lonely long. Enjoy


----------



## moco82

musicftw07 said:


> lost count of the number of profiles I encountered that said "Don't bother if you're at least 5'10".


Some days it seems like every other profile. Good time to put the device away and pick up a book.


----------



## musicftw07

moco82 said:


> musicftw07 said:
> 
> 
> 
> lost count of the number of profiles I encountered that said "Don't bother if you're at least 5'10".
> 
> 
> 
> Some days it seems like every other profile. Good time to put the device away and pick up a book.
Click to expand...

This is really good advice. I pursued a career path I've always wanted to get into (IT) and did some reading and studying online. Five years later I'm a systems analyst making double what I was back then.

There's also something quite therapeutic about getting lost in a good book series.

If I wasn't so averse to having to deal with its bodily waste, I'd also consider investing in a pet. Never could quite make the leap, though.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

yeah... this time off from relationships, will be good for me... I can like you guys suggest, just relax and do my thing... I am almost getting excited about my impending divorce ...  ( i really am)


----------



## Ynot

need_help_to_recover said:


> yeah... this time off from relationships, will be good for me... I can like you guys suggest, just relax and do my thing... I am almost getting excited about my impending divorce ...  ( i really am)


Your freedom is a wonderful thing. I admit there are times when I still get upset or bummed out over what happened. That was over 2.5 years ago. Now I can stop those feelings from taking over my life by reminding myself of just how far I have come. Since my divorce, I have moved to an apartment located 125 miles from where I used to live, learned to be comfortable by myself, made new (and better) friends, tried to work for someone. Then I restarted my business when that didn't work out. Made my business way more successful than it had been because now I can do things my way. I have more money than I ever had at any point in my life, I make more money than I have ever made at any point in my life. I went into teaching, I became a realtor in addition to my own business, I am exploring my new found passion for Bourbon. I have had a number of relationships with different women. I have explored their minds and bodies. Some have worked out, some have failed. I have traveled to 35 states in the past 13 months, I am learning to play guitar, I have learned to ride a motorcycle. I am on my second bike and now I am looking for something even bigger. I bought a house. I am in the process of landscaping it and redoing the interior has been an on-going project. Longer range plans include a bathroom addition and continued landscaping, I am planning a trip on the motorcycle for later this year to Iowa and another to Kentucky, I want to study a foreign language and then travel to a foreign country that speaks that language.

In short I did what I could and I will do what I can and the greatest thing of all is that what I can and what I will do is only limited by me. I don't have to ask permission, seek approval, gain consent, change anything to make someone else happy. My life, my choice. The possibilities are only limited by my imagination.

I have expanded who I am, what I want, where I want to go. In some ways I embarrassed to say I was who I was and lived as I had lived.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

this is inspirational.. I hope I can follow through on my plans... I do plan to do things that I have always dreamt of. Now is the time to do it. 





Ynot said:


> Your freedom is a wonderful thing. I admit there are times when I still get upset or bummed out over what happened. That was over 2.5 years ago. Now I can stop those feelings from taking over my life by reminding myself of just how far I have come. Since my divorce, I have moved to an apartment located 125 miles from where I used to live, learned to be comfortable by myself, made new (and better) friends, tried to work for someone. Then I restarted my business when that didn't work out. Made my business way more successful than it had been because now I can do things my way. I have more money than I ever had at any point in my life, I make more money than I have ever made at any point in my life. I went into teaching, I became a realtor in addition to my own business, I am exploring my new found passion for Bourbon. I have had a number of relationships with different women. I have explored their minds and bodies. Some have worked out, some have failed. I have traveled to 35 states in the past 13 months, I am learning to play guitar, I have learned to ride a motorcycle. I am on my second bike and now I am looking for something even bigger. I bought a house. I am in the process of landscaping it and redoing the interior has been an on-going project. Longer range plans include a bathroom addition and continued landscaping, I am planning a trip on the motorcycle for later this year to Iowa and another to Kentucky, I want to study a foreign language and then travel to a foreign country that speaks that language.
> 
> In short I did what I could and I will do what I can and the greatest thing of all is that what I can and what I will do is only limited by me. I don't have to ask permission, seek approval, gain consent, change anything to make someone else happy. My life, my choice. The possibilities are only limited by my imagination.
> 
> I have expanded who I am, what I want, where I want to go. In some ways I embarrassed to say I was who I was and lived as I had lived.


----------



## Ynot

need_help_to_recover said:


> this is inspirational.. I hope I can follow through on my plans... I do plan to do things that I have always dreamt of. Now is the time to do it.


Stop hoping and do it. Change your dreams into successes.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

I have started , its a journey. I have taken a few small steps that have challenged my fears. I am going to climb a 14000 ft mountain. 
I will go skydiving in a week. Actually made a few new friends.. and that helps a lot to boost my belief in self...
but I feel clouds following me , and I do them anyway... hopefully it will stick. 




Ynot said:


> Stop hoping and do it. Change your dreams into successes.


----------



## notmyrealname4

musicftw07 said:


> I'm 5'8" and lost count of the number of profiles I encountered that said *"Don't bother if you're at least 5'10"." *





moco82 said:


> Some days it seems like every other profile. Good time to put the device away and pick up a book.




I'm sorry to hear that.

Are the women requesting 5'10" or more, because they are perhaps at least 5'9" or so themselves? That might explain it.

If a woman is between 5'0" and 5'8"; [which is probably about 90% of the female population], I don't see the rationale for insisting on a man who is much taller than average.


----------



## Ynot

need_help_to_recover said:


> I have started , its a journey. I have taken a few small steps that have challenged my fears. I am going to climb a 14000 ft mountain.
> I will go skydiving in a week. Actually made a few new friends.. and that helps a lot to boost my belief in self...
> but I feel clouds following me , and I do them anyway... hopefully it will stick.


Cool. Keep on keeping on! I was just responding to your post that you were "hoping"! I am doing a little fake it til you make it schtick myself presently.


----------



## GuyInColorado

You'll be fine!! Get on POF.com and have fun. You'll find lots of good looking (some a little crazy) women on there that just want sex, some that want to date but not be serious, and some looking for marriage. And it's free!

If you aren't already, hit the gym 5x a week. Get in the best shape of your life. Not just to make yourself more attracted to women (which it will), but more importantly to get healthy and have confidence. Hit the weights the hard, lift heavy. Be very light with the cardio, focus on muscle growth. Eat and drink very healthy, this is key. Do this for a couple months and you'll feel great about your future.


----------



## ne9907

Ynot said:


> Your freedom is a wonderful thing. I admit there are times when I still get upset or bummed out over what happened. That was over 2.5 years ago. Now I can stop those feelings from taking over my life by reminding myself of just how far I have come. Since my divorce, I have moved to an apartment located 125 miles from where I used to live, learned to be comfortable by myself, made new (and better) friends, tried to work for someone. Then I restarted my business when that didn't work out. Made my business way more successful than it had been because now I can do things my way. I have more money than I ever had at any point in my life, I make more money than I have ever made at any point in my life. I went into teaching, I became a realtor in addition to my own business, I am exploring my new found passion for Bourbon. I have had a number of relationships with different women. I have explored their minds and bodies. Some have worked out, some have failed. I have traveled to 35 states in the past 13 months, I am learning to play guitar, I have learned to ride a motorcycle. I am on my second bike and now I am looking for something even bigger. I bought a house. I am in the process of landscaping it and redoing the interior has been an on-going project. Longer range plans include a bathroom addition and continued landscaping, I am planning a trip on the motorcycle for later this year to Iowa and another to Kentucky, I want to study a foreign language and then travel to a foreign country that speaks that language.
> 
> In short I did what I could and I will do what I can and the greatest thing of all is that what I can and what I will do is only limited by me. I don't have to ask permission, seek approval, gain consent, change anything to make someone else happy. My life, my choice. The possibilities are only limited by my imagination.
> 
> I have expanded who I am, what I want, where I want to go. In some ways I embarrassed to say I was who I was and lived as I had lived.


so....? When are we going out on a date?


----------



## Ynot

ne9907 said:


> so....? When are we going out on a date?


Next time I am in Narnia, we will close the place!


----------



## moco82

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that.
> 
> Are the women requesting 5'10" or more, because they are perhaps at least 5'9" or so themselves? That might explain it.
> 
> If a woman is between 5'0" and 5'8"; [which is probably about 90% of the female population], I don't see the rationale for insisting on a man who is much taller than average.


Not necessarily 5'9"+, often they are shorter or do not cite their height. Oftentimes the rationale is "I love wearing heels"; sometimes no rationale is cited. Which is fine: an up-front disclosure of preferences is an honest step. It may be a necessary feature to trigger attraction, perhaps akin to some men preferring a certain race?


----------



## Diana7

notmyrealname4 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that.
> 
> Are the women requesting 5'10" or more, because they are perhaps at least 5'9" or so themselves? That might explain it.
> 
> If a woman is between 5'0" and 5'8"; [which is probably about 90% of the female population], I don't see the rationale for insisting on a man who is much taller than average.


I am 5ft 4 1/2" and while I wouldn't stipulate height in a dating profile, I do like a man to be taller than me. My husband is 6ft and its a nice height difference. However I think its foolish not to even consider a man who is shorter than you may think you want. You may be missing out on a great guy. :smile2:


----------



## Diana7

GuyInColorado said:


> You'll be fine!! Get on POF.com and have fun. You'll find lots of good looking (some a little crazy) women on there that just want sex, some that want to date but not be serious, and some looking for marriage. And it's free!
> 
> If you aren't already, hit the gym 5x a week. Get in the best shape of your life. Not just to make yourself more attracted to women (which it will), but more importantly to get healthy and have confidence. Hit the weights the hard, lift heavy. Be very light with the cardio, focus on muscle growth. Eat and drink very healthy, this is key. Do this for a couple months and you'll feel great about your future.


Having been on different sites when I was looking for a guy, I would always tell people not to even think of going on a free site. Far too many scammers and time wasters. IF you want a woman/man who is serious, find a site where people have to pay.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

I can totally understand that everyone has a type. I certainly do. I want to go through the process of first feeling empowered. And I think no woman can give me that. I have to have it for myself. it sounds like a cliche.

But I was thinking about this morning, I have not been single in about 16 years. More or less my entire adult life, I have sheltered my insecurities in the comfort of my relationships. and overtime it becomes an issue. 

I do want to find someone eventually, but by then I want to really be proud of who I am. Baby steps for now.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Duplicate post.


----------



## BetrayedDad

need_help_to_recover said:


> for disclosure, I am at three months into my separation. And our divorce is probably a year or so out.


This will be a problem for many women. You are asking them to take on a lot of drama and heated emotions with a relatively new guy.

They will want to be sure you are over your prior relationship and this will be VERY difficult to prove when you're in the middle of a divorce.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

Makes sense. I guess, I am going to be fairly alone for a fairly long time.. better get busy with something or the other.




BetrayedDad said:


> This will be a problem for many women. You are asking them to take on a lot of drama and heated emotions with a relatively new guy.
> 
> They will want to be sure you are over your prior relationship and this will be VERY difficult to prove when you're in the middle of a divorce.


----------



## moco82

Diana7 said:


> However I think its foolish not to even consider a man who is shorter than you may think you want. You may be missing out on a great guy. :smile2:


Hundreds of profiles I've read suggest your noble advice is falling on deaf ears


----------



## chillymorn69

be yourself find something your passionate about and when you least expect it someone will pop up.

good luck


----------



## Diana7

moco82 said:


> Hundreds of profiles I've read suggest your noble advice is falling on deaf ears


I was only on Christian dating sites and I dont remember any specific height requests. 

I guess it depends on the height of the lady. If she is under 5ft 3in say, she may not be so worried about being with a man who is 5ft 6in. If she is 5ft 8 ins then she will probably like a man who is at least 5ft 10in or taller.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

it is quite interesting that I am opening up to the idea of being excited by new things.. It makes my day a bit brighter. I am now thinking about a motorbike 
I have for 10 years meticulously saved money to secure the future of my family. Now I feel too much time has passed me by. I am going to try and live a little. Like some of you have said, I will be at my best if and when I find my passion(s). The rest is luck and serendipity.


----------



## Ynot

need_help_to_recover said:


> it is quite interesting that I am opening up to the idea of being excited by new things.. It makes my day a bit brighter. I am now thinking about a motorbike
> I have for 10 years meticulously saved money to secure the future of my family. Now I feel too much time has passed me by. I am going to try and live a little. Like some of you have said, I will be at my best if and when I find my passion(s). The rest is luck and serendipity.


I don't know about you. But I was devastated by my divorce. My entire life was blown apart. Everything I had thought I stood for was gone. I felt as though I had fallen into an abyss and I was flailing in every direction. Trying desperately to find something, anything to grab ahold of. Sometimes I found something, a new friend or a new hobby. But I always felt the handhold give and the plunge continued. That continued for over a year.
Now, almost three years removed from my divorce, I never imagined that I would get back to a point in my life that I would look forward to opening my eyes in the morning in anticipation of the new day. But I have. I realize every day is a new adventure. A new opportunity to learn, to grow, to have fun, to be better. 
I still have moments. But now I realize that I have a lot to offer anyone who wants to join me, even if just for part of my journey. And I have new attitude, that if you aren't interested, no hard feelings. It will be their loss, not mine. I am going to travel to wherever I am going with or without them. I intend to make my trip as enjoyable as possible. I will be sorry they can't or won't be joining me, but I won't be devastated any more.

PS - stop thinking about getting a bike and just get one. If you find it isn't for you. You can always get rid of it. OTOH you might find a new passion. I started riding about two years ago. I had to convince myself to invest in me for a change. Now I am planning a week or two trip to the upper great plains this summer. Just me and my bike.


----------



## joannacroc

I can sympathize. Having a young kid makes it tough - I was in your shoes a few months ago. Making time to date and for a social life in general is challenging when you have a young kid but it's doable.

About the height thing - I was not overweight really, athletic, but chubby body type. I did online dating and was pretty blunt about my appearance. I posted recent photos, including a full body one so viewers could see what I looked like in real life. I sometimes think men view a woman being chubby the same way women view men being short, but that may be stretching. Some men were fine dating me chubby and even seemed to be attracted to me, which was a welcome relief after a marriage in which I felt unattractive to my husband. Some weren't fine with dating me and I could see they weren't attracted to me, so we didn't see each other anymore. Some I wasn't fine with dating. I feel you'll find the same thing. Some women will be attractive to you. Some won't. Some will be attracted to you. Some won't. I wouldn't let it intimidate you. Just be honest about it if you end up doing OLD. There's a lid for every pot 

Can I suggest before you get out there and start dating, that you spend some time getting comfortable with who you are and figuring out who that person is? When you're newly separated, you may have a hard time remembering who you are as a person. Get out there and try some new hobbies. Stay active. Meet new people, not necessarily in a romantic context. Try new things. Maybe even some things that scare you. You may hate some of them. Some of them you'll love. When your world has been upended, it's surprising the sides of yourself that are dormant, just waiting to be discovered. Enjoy the journey.


----------



## bwent

Hey there,

So I tried to get into the dating game to early. Met a wonderful human being but my husband started creating all sorts of drama and he ruined it. Still friends with the guy but you know... could have had something else. 

Point is, I jumped the gun. You shouldn't do that. Take this time to relax, sort out the divorce stuff, do some self reflection, etc. And I'm not saying change your looks or anything like that, but do things that make you feel good and that will help. Whether that's exercise, yoga, or eating better. Get out and do things, go to shows, go for walks, hang out with friends you may have neglected during the marriage. And above all just breathe.

As far as that other stuff is concerned, you'll find someone who will like you for you. Sure, there will always be people with their preferences but not everything is a deal breaker for everyone. My sister is married to a man who is only 5'5. He's nice, cute, and funny. Who cares about his height! And I'm white and have dated Asian men. Everyone is different


----------



## need_help_to_recover

I am where you were. Devastated, in free fall, and desperate. All my anger and disappointment , I am channelling to focus on rebuilding. 

Step 1: Mountain Bike. 
Step 2: Climbing Shasta in early June. 

I am trying not to think about the negatives. Just going headlong into my passions, forsaken and new alike. I want to be that man, who is ok standing on his own... I am far from it now. But I want to get there, and I will.

thanks for sharing your initial period of struggle with me. Its emasculating for me to feel that way, and its comforting to know others have been there before me.




Ynot said:


> I don't know about you. But I was devastated by my divorce. My entire life was blown apart. Everything I had thought I stood for was gone. I felt as though I had fallen into an abyss and I was flailing in every direction. Trying desperately to find something, anything to grab ahold of. Sometimes I found something, a new friend or a new hobby. But I always felt the handhold give and the plunge continued. That continued for over a year.
> Now, almost three years removed from my divorce, I never imagined that I would get back to a point in my life that I would look forward to opening my eyes in the morning in anticipation of the new day. But I have. I realize every day is a new adventure. A new opportunity to learn, to grow, to have fun, to be better.
> I still have moments. But now I realize that I have a lot to offer anyone who wants to join me, even if just for part of my journey. And I have new attitude, that if you aren't interested, no hard feelings. It will be their loss, not mine. I am going to travel to wherever I am going with or without them. I intend to make my trip as enjoyable as possible. I will be sorry they can't or won't be joining me, but I won't be devastated any more.
> 
> PS - stop thinking about getting a bike and just get one. If you find it isn't for you. You can always get rid of it. OTOH you might find a new passion. I started riding about two years ago. I had to convince myself to invest in me for a change. Now I am planning a week or two trip to the upper great plains this summer. Just me and my bike.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

My disappointment with OLD continues. But, I have decided to not let it faze me.. I am not ready for it by a large margin. 

You are so right about finding myself first. I have a lot of soul searching. Find something in life that excites me..And I am beginning to get there. Find the starting threads that will hopefully lead to a more fulfilled feeling. 

I do crave for the attention of women, because I think it will make me feel more alive. But I feel, its not a good substitute for self belief. And I need to work on that. 

I sky -dived last week and did my first open mic night. and I have an audition for a vocalist in a band this week. And I have many many other goals that are put into play already. 

I have had no dates. not even any interest, but my life is full and busy. I play dedicated dad when I have my son. And I go full throttle, challenging myself, on days he is with his mom.

i do this with the belief that I will be changed by my journey. 



joannacroc said:


> I can sympathize. Having a young kid makes it tough - I was in your shoes a few months ago. Making time to date and for a social life in general is challenging when you have a young kid but it's doable.
> 
> About the height thing - I was not overweight really, athletic, but chubby body type. I did online dating and was pretty blunt about my appearance. I posted recent photos, including a full body one so viewers could see what I looked like in real life. I sometimes think men view a woman being chubby the same way women view men being short, but that may be stretching. Some men were fine dating me chubby and even seemed to be attracted to me, which was a welcome relief after a marriage in which I felt unattractive to my husband. Some weren't fine with dating me and I could see they weren't attracted to me, so we didn't see each other anymore. Some I wasn't fine with dating. I feel you'll find the same thing. Some women will be attractive to you. Some won't. Some will be attracted to you. Some won't. I wouldn't let it intimidate you. Just be honest about it if you end up doing OLD. There's a lid for every pot
> 
> Can I suggest before you get out there and start dating, that you spend some time getting comfortable with who you are and figuring out who that person is? When you're newly separated, you may have a hard time remembering who you are as a person. Get out there and try some new hobbies. Stay active. Meet new people, not necessarily in a romantic context. Try new things. Maybe even some things that scare you. You may hate some of them. Some of them you'll love. When your world has been upended, it's surprising the sides of yourself that are dormant, just waiting to be discovered. Enjoy the journey.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

thanks. 

I am doing as you advise. I am finding some joy and excitement. I feel newer, bolder and younger 

I have had these dreams of grand adventure for so many years... And now I am going to go for them. I will never let irrational fear and discomfort of the unknown stop me. 

I have to learn many new skills. Being a cook is pretty high on that list. Being emotionally secure is another. 

I have been documenting my journey on a blog. Focussed largely on how I am challenging myself to overcome negative thoughts.





bwent said:


> Hey there,
> 
> So I tried to get into the dating game to early. Met a wonderful human being but my husband started creating all sorts of drama and he ruined it. Still friends with the guy but you know... could have had something else.
> 
> Point is, I jumped the gun. You shouldn't do that. Take this time to relax, sort out the divorce stuff, do some self reflection, etc. And I'm not saying change your looks or anything like that, but do things that make you feel good and that will help. Whether that's exercise, yoga, or eating better. Get out and do things, go to shows, go for walks, hang out with friends you may have neglected during the marriage. And above all just breathe.
> 
> As far as that other stuff is concerned, you'll find someone who will like you for you. Sure, there will always be people with their preferences but not everything is a deal breaker for everyone. My sister is married to a man who is only 5'5. He's nice, cute, and funny. Who cares about his height! And I'm white and have dated Asian men. Everyone is different


----------



## Ynot

need_help_to_recover said:


> I am where you were. Devastated, in free fall, and desperate. All my anger and disappointment , I am channelling to focus on rebuilding.
> 
> Step 1: Mountain Bike.
> Step 2: Climbing Shasta in early June.
> 
> I am trying not to think about the negatives. Just going headlong into my passions, forsaken and new alike. I want to be that man, who is ok standing on his own... I am far from it now. But I want to get there, and I will.
> 
> thanks for sharing your initial period of struggle with me. Its emasculating for me to feel that way, and its comforting to know others have been there before me.


Hey, I hear you!. I still have my moments. You will get to a better spot. And when you do, watch out! I am getting to that spot now. I never thought I would enjoy myself again, but I am. So will you! Keep on fighting the good fight. The best revenge is a life well lived.


----------



## need_help_to_recover

Just wanted to check back in. My life is finally on track. Wife decided to call it quits in December. Fast forward 6 months. 
I have followed through on a lot of good advice I found from various sources. I am seeing someone and very thrilled by the new relationship.

I have climbed Mount Shasta as planned. Been mountain biking regularly, and hitting the gym. Still a lot of work to do, but generally speaking never felt better. Feel alive. 

Single-Dad stuff is amazing. A lot of work. Learning to cook, and parenting stuff. But I love it all. 

First triathlon in 7 weeks. So thats the long plan. 

Traveling in the winter. 

I thank you all, and I can say with gladness that a positive attitude means everything.


----------

