# Using condoms after caught cheating?



## marriedwoman (Apr 30, 2011)

I'm actually divorced and have started dating again. I'm looking for advice though:

My question is: If you catch your SO cheating, and then get back with them, should you start using condoms once caught, even if you've already had sex and transmitting STD's would already be done?

Here's the background though if you're looking for more:

I started seeing someone earlier this year, and he might just be the love of my life. I've never felt about someone the way I feel about him. However he did tell me about his past and that he's a cheater, so I am aware of this, but it's also a very CONSISTENT past. 

As far as the cheating is concerned: I view this as a slip up. I know he does care about me... I feel as though sex is just an act as well, and the cheating is more about physical trust, than emotional trust. Some people just have urges, and hey, it happens. But anyways... 

Just 1 month into it, I found him talking to another girl. I know they didn't actually hook up though. But I brushed it off because he had really just started dating. Even though we said we'd be exclusive.
A month goes by, and it's still bothering me.
I have a talk with him saying I know his past, and can he at least promise me that IF he did cheat, that he would use protection. He agreed to.

3 months go by. I find dirty text messages in his phone and pictures from 2 different girls. So I break up with him.
After we break up, he admits he cheated on me with a 4th girl... and surprise surprise: didn't use protection. 

We stopped using protection shortly into it, because I thought he was being sincere and honest. Regardless of his sexual addiction (there's more to it, but he is a legit sex addict), I know that he really cares about me. 

So we break up for the last 2 months. Then last week I missed him so bad, he's been saying he's sorry the entire time... I WANT to try agin. This past week we've made love multiple times... wihtout condoms. 
But now, now that i realize that I want to move forward in a relationshiop with him, and I am aware that this may happen agin, but I am also aware of his tendencies.... I've asked him to start wearing a condom.

He's super pissed (which I expected), and argues that if we have anything, we both have it by now. He also said he'd rather just not have sex until I can trust him again, than use a condom. That hurt me really bad. But the truth is, I want to use them indefinitely... not like for just a month. I know his past, you know? 
And the only other serious relationshiop he's been in... well, he told me all about it, and it started out exactly like how we're starting out. 

Is THIS my breaking point? 
I feel like he is being unfair. I know guys don't like condoms, and trust me, I don't either. It feels so much better without them. but I can't trust him to use them if he slips again, because we already had that talk and he didn't follow his word. 

As far as my emotional concerns: There aren't many. I suffered from depression on and off, which led to me not caring about not using condoms in the first place. Now I'm starting to care though.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

He's proven to be untrustworthy, and a liar.

Are you a fan of Russian roulette? Is your health that unimportant to you?

Have you been STD tested?


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## marriedwoman (Apr 30, 2011)

I hear you.... depression is a funny thing though... I just honestly didn't care (at all about anything) at the time when we weren't using them. 
I'm getting over that state of mind now though, and want to start using them because I do care moving forward. 
And I am going to get tested very soon.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Oh come on.

You'll be back here within a year, heartbroken and wondering where it all went wrong.

If you sleep with the dogs, you get fleas.


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## loopy lu (Oct 30, 2013)

Wait...what? Did I just read that? Surely Not.

Please go and Google genital warts, or herpes, or chlamydia, or ghonnorhea, or HIV...then come back and finish the discussion.

Now where is my facepalm emoticon?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

You need to go to IC to explore why you are attracted to a man that can possibly ruin your health with an incurable STD and who argues with you about the things that he does. If I were you, I would break up with him for good and find someone who does care about me. As the old saying goes, there are many fish in the sea.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm also trying to figure out why you'd invest yourself into a relationship with someone like this. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? You'd be much better off trying to figure out why you're willing to lower your standards to this level, instead of trying to figure out how to convince him to wear condoms for the rest of your lives together.

And as others have said... Condoms don't protect against everything. 

C


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## marriedwoman (Apr 30, 2011)

Honestly, after I got divorced I haven't been looking for anything serious, or to settle down. So when he told me about his past, I didn't care because it was still casual. 

but we continued to date and I fell in love. =( 
I didn't mean to let myself fall... But I did, and hard. Which is why i'm still here.

I know, you are all right though. As friends have told me too, I deserve better. 

This just sucks. I still don't necessarily want to settle down. Just wish that if it were an open relationship I was entering, that he'd be more willing to be safe, either way (with me or with others)...


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## Insanity (Oct 28, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> Oh come on.
> 
> You'll be back here within a year, heartbroken and wondering where it all went wrong.
> 
> *If you sleep with the dogs, you get fleas*.


No doubt about it! :iagree:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

You have been warned. Think of all the people that were not. 

You're being highly irresponsible and it's no ones fault but your own.


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## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

You are continuing a relationship with someone who is likely to continue to have multiple sex partners, so yes you should use condoms. If you haven't yet contracted anything, you are at risk of contracting something in the future and condoms offer you some protection but you will still have some risk. 

Should you continue a relationship with someone who is likely to have multiple sex partners when you want a monogamous relationship? The logical answer is no, but since I'm living in a glass house I'm not going to pass judgement on you.


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## Coach8 (Jun 17, 2013)

If both partners aren't being monogomaus, then protection is your best bet. Any time I had NSA sex, I used protection. Didn't like it, but its better than the alternative.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

marriedwoman said:


> After we break up, he admits he cheated on me with a 4th girl... and surprise surprise: didn't use protection.


I can't believe that. It's almost like you can't trust anything a cheater says. If you give him another chance, there's a good chance you'll find that it was just a momentary loss of character.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and keep in mind that some STD's can be transmitted through oral sex (either way). So unless you're willing to use condoms for blow jobs and dental dams or female condoms, you're still at risk. 

Seriously, just hit the reset button. You stumbled across this guy, you'll find someone else that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. He's not even remorseful for what he's done to you, otherwise the condom thing wouldn't be an issue. He's not willing to respect the reasonable boundaries that you've requested. What more do you need to know about where this relationship is headed?

Oh, and go get tested for STD's. Not sure why that wasn't your first step before posting in here. And talk to the health care professional about the risks and ways diseases are transmitted.

C


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> *he did tell me *about his past and that *he's a cheater*, so I am aware of this
> 
> Just *1 month into it, I found him talking to another girl.*
> 
> *3 months go by. I find dirty text messages *in his phone and pictures from 2 different girls.



i see impending doom in your future with this guy.


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

marriedwoman said:


> Honestly, after I got divorced I haven't been looking for anything serious, or to settle down. So when he told me about his past, I didn't care because it was still casual.
> 
> but we continued to date and I fell in love. =(
> I didn't mean to let myself fall... But I did, and hard. Which is why i'm still here.


This is more evidence to leave this man. He admitted to you that he is a cheater. Knowing that, you feel for him anyway. It's going to hurt you in the long run because emotions often cloud our thinking. I think that it's one of the reasons that you are with him now. You can't really see how messed up the situation is. How do you think you are going to feel when he has another woman some time down the road, and you like him more?




> This just sucks. I still don't necessarily want to settle down. Just wish that if it were an open relationship I was entering, that he'd be more willing to be safe, either way (with me or with others)...


You've set boundaries that he needs to wear a condom. He is refusing those boundaries. This is just disrespectful. As I said above, I think that you should go into IC and work on yourself. Figure out why you are in relationships such as the above and explore the best way to avoid them. A roll in the hay and a man who doesn't respect you isn't worth getting an incurable STD.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Perhaps you don't love him, you just admire his alpha male qualities, cheating and impressing girls around and not give a damn to anybody, the whole bit. Perhaps you're trying to tame the bad boy.

And he sure doesn't love you, make no mistake.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Condoms aren't what you need to protect yourself here.

You need to dig into your self esteem and dump him hard.

This loser is a cheater before you, he's already cheated on you, and he keeps talking to new girls.

Are you so desperate for a relationship that you are going to accept a guy who treats you with such disrespect and contempt?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

If he is cheating this early in your relationship, move on. 

Obviously he is is just not that into you. Why waste time with him.


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## onestepatatime (Oct 23, 2013)

Oh dear. This makes me sad. Drum up some self pride and kick him to the curb. You deserve better. Why would you put yourself through this? You admit that he will likely cheat. He does not respect you, clearly, so respect yourself and get out.


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