# Spending double standards



## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

Hi guys! I would just like opinions on my situation, I don't know what to do...

My husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We both make good money. Our expenses are housing, food, cars, parents and college.....and we save to buy a house in the future. We have a joint account.

Well this is the thing, with what we make it covers everything and then some. But my husband always criticizes on my personal spending...like clothes...or when i buy food out, or anything that doesnt involve him basically. Im not a spender in a big way, im not buying purses or expensive things, but i do buy inexpensive clothes every other month, because i need them.

He always has to make a remark when i buy something though. Like "you ate at __ again" or "remember we are saving, control your spending" "how much did you spend on that?" "5$ here 5$ there accumulates to __$"

If i do decide to buy something expensive like for example, i asked for a a pair of raybans ($150) for my bday....he complied...but with the usual remark " you better wear them often, they were pretty expensive" "this bday you you were really spoiled"

WHAT BOTHERS ME IS:

He is cheap with me, but not with himself. He gave his dad $300 to spend on some flooring for their house, he often shares the costs of beer with his buddies, he pays to participate on a hobby of his, his car is more expensive than mine...and just recently he spent 200 on something else. I NEVER tekk him anything on these expenses, because they dont bother me, he works hard and he has the right to spend whatever left over money on what he enjoys or sees fit.

But he doesnt feel this way about MY expenses...and since im sick of not being able to spend with a peace of mind, i suggested getting separate accounts, so we both contribute and save equally and avoid these arguments...but he threatened me with divorce if i were to open a separate account...

Im getting to a point where i cant take it anymore, i have tried talking to him, and at first he gets it, but then we go back to the same problem again....What should i do?


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

I think threatening spouse with D is childish, bringing up the big D if not serious about it is silly. 
Lots of couples have separate accounts, I have it, my H has several accounts with money he required before we got married. 

Separate checking accounts is actually good solution for your situation. All you need to do is agree on a sum of money that goes to saving every month and rest of it is not anyone else's business.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a way to handle this.

Put all of your income (both of yours in a separate account). 

Put 10% or whatever you both agree on into savings.

Pay all of your bills out of that account. 

Then each pay period each of you gets 50% of what is left over after paying the bills. 

Now each of you can do whatever you want with your 50%. You can each have your own account that you save your portion of your spending money in if you want. Neither of you can make any remark about the way the other spends their own spending money

If he won’t do that, then you do it. Call his bluff. Open your own account and have a portion of your pay direct deposited into your account, the rest goes into joint checking to pay the bills. You tell him that you did this because he picking on you for spending a fair share of YOUR income is called financial abuse. He spends some portion freely, even giving it away. You have the right to some of your own money. If he does not like what you did, he can come to counseling and/or talk to a financial advisor about it.

Remember that we teach others how to treat us. Right now you have taught him that he can attack you for reasonable spending and even threaten divorce as a way to control you. You need to let him now that you have boundaries that he cannot cross. “I will not allow you to bully me over money. I will have free access to our finances and to spending money.”


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Is this is ONLY controlling behavior? Do you find him passive-aggressive? When someone shows you who they really are, you should believe them!

You have a right to a separate bank account. If you want one, he doesn't hold the superior right over you to decide if you can open a bank account. Tell him you will provide him with read-only access to it if he wants, but he does/should not control your decision to open an account. Seeing as he threatened you with D, opening an account in your name only seems like a logical decision now regardless what he thinks.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

martita said:


> Hi guys! I would just like opinions on my situation, I don't know what to do...
> 
> My husband and I have been married for 2 years now. We both make good money. Our expenses are housing, food, cars, parents and college.....and we save to buy a house in the future. We have a joint account.
> 
> ...


I like the ideas the others have about providing into savings, paying bills, and allowing the amount that is left to be spent personally.

But I don't think he will go for that.

I think the only way you will be able to fix things is to keep track of almost every dollar. Not just you, but him as well. It isn't fair that he criticizes your spending, but not his own. 

You will need to show him what he is spending.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I have to agree with the other posters. As bad as it sounds for a marriage, separate accounts is the way to go. We had a joint account the first few years we were married and she spent so much I couldn't pay the bills. You'll have to agree who pay which bills and the rest of the money has left to the descretion of that individual whether or not you are saving for a house. My wife makes little money but was spending most of the money. Now with all my money in a separate account she can't access, we can pay the bills with plenty for savings for other things. 

It's not a wish to "control" money or her or anything like that. Sometimes if one of those in the marriage is more responsible with money. 

In a stiuation where both husband and wife make a good salary and both want to spend on "extras" it becomes impossible to save. Your husband is right, the 5 bucks here and another ten there do add up, but he should act as the example and stop spending money on nights out with his friends and his parent's house. I also agree with other posters, it's quite immature of you to threaten D on these very small money swabbles. If your marriage is going to make it at all, you've to gotta stop that. Instead, tell him you're willing to curb your spending for a house if he curbs his. Marriage is compromise and it does seem your current approach is a quick excuse to quit.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sounds like he wants to enjoy his own spending while having you bear the risk of that spending by having to always be the careful, frugal, not a penny wasted person. 

I always say that it's wrong to use another person to handle those parts of life that you know you need to yourself, but would rather not. You were not put on the earth to be his hedge fund, or to provide it. Maybe if HE had an emergency fund of 6 months of HIS expenses (his portion of joint, plus all of his own) he would stop nitpicking on your spending. He wouldn't need your frugality in order to enjoy/indulge in his own free spending habits. 

I wonder if he does have this nest egg/emergency account that he should?

I find that having 6 months of expenses put aside in liquid assets allows me to enjoy my occasional indulgences without having to have the internal need to justify the indulgence or to have some kind of inner judgement about it. There's a lot less stress. Maybe he's creating his own stress, and using you to manage it?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I would never have a joint account with anybody ever again!

everybody has to make there own way in the world!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I would never have a joint account with anybody ever again!
> 
> everybody has to make there own way in the world!


If you are in a relationship where you truly believe that all money is owned by both parties, then it makes no sense not to have a joint account. 

Why pay the fees for maintaining more than one account?

Why take the time to balance two accounts?

Just way easier to put it all in one account and pay for everything out of that account.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> If you are in a relationship where you truly believe that all money is owned by both parties, then it makes no sense not to have a joint account.
> 
> Why pay the fees for maintaining more than one account?
> 
> ...


until you get burned then once burned twice learned!


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## martita (Jun 1, 2014)

thanks for the responses guys. I have given him one more chance to change his ways, or im calling his bluff. If he really does divorce me over getting separate accts then i dont think he loves me as much as he loves having control and it would be for the best.

whatslovegottodowithit?, no this is not his only controlling behavior, i have noticed since long ago he is a controlling person in a lot of aspects, but nothing to serious as to make it feel unbearable as this issue does.

jb02157, i didnt threaten with D, he did...

thanks guys.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

If money is causing tension / problems in your relationship then be open and honest with each other about what each expects from themselves and the other.

Agree a household budget and what you should each be contributing to it, to be honest if you are both working and have no dependent children you should be in a position to save.

When you set your budget make sure that you each get some "pocket money" / "discretionary spending" that you do not have to account for.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

Some men use money as a control mechanism in a marriage, sometimes unconsciously. They grew up in an environment where the mother was a SAHM and probably didn't have much say.
Some habits die hard.

Sometimes I think joint accounts shouldn't be the default setting in a marriage unless of course in the instance where a significant investment need to be made such as purchasing a house , or a vehicle.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

martita said:


> whatslovegottodowithit?, no this is not his only controlling behavior, i have noticed since long ago he is a controlling person in a lot of aspects, but nothing to serious as to make it feel unbearable as this issue does.


Glad you were asked that, and your answer was important. Money is one of the top reasons for divorce, and this kind of behavior right here is exactly what causes it. 

"Brinksmanship" is just so damned childishly abusive. What you are going to find is that unless he addresses the fundamental issue of being controlling and abusive he's going to just keep on pecking away even if you have a separate checking account. 

Controlling/abusive people know well enough to keep the monster in check until you get married. They'll exhaust you - wear you down - and feign like they are making a concession when they think they've gone too far. But then they pick right back up again


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Numbers don't lie.

I'm guessing that he also perceives there is a spending double standard, just the other way around. There's an easy way to find out. 

Simply take your bank statements from the last couple months, and add up his expenses/withdrawals, and add up yours. Exclude things that are joint costs (like utility bills or groceries) and include only individual things, like beer, car payment, clothing, etc. 

Add them up. The numbers will be there in black and white. Then simply show them to your husband. If there is a double standard, he won't be able to deny it (and neither will you, if it turns out you spend more than him).


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## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

In my marriage, my husband makes the money and I'm in charge of finances. I have to be sure the bills are paid (and we're very tight on funds) before anything else. At first he really didn't understand where the money went and even got sour a lot, but then I began to show him penny for penny and he stopped worrying and trusts me to do what we need. I've never been late on a bill so far and he appreciates that.

Now, because the money is always in my hands and not in his, sometimes I buy a little something here and there, maybe even more than he does. He doesn't complain and I do keep myself in check, but I know how EASY it is to rack up money from a little here and there.

I think you should both sit down and agree to get receipts for EVERYTHING for one month, not changing anything you do then compare them together. Maybe you're spending more than you think you are, maybe he is and you both need a direct check of what is spent and what isn't. The physical proof of the fiances is more concrete when you try to explain how you feel than an assumed number on either of your parts.

I would agree that everything needs a receipt, including gas, and gets tallied at the end of the one month period except for the actual bills (phone, net, house, water, gas, food/non-food bills, etc). He needs to be held responsible and you're not a possession he can threaten if you don't do what he wants. You are partners. Period.




In regards to the person who says you should always have separate bank accounts, I think the subject is very conditional of who you are with and how honest and/or responsible they (and you) are. It works for some couples and not for others.


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## Leveret (Mar 8, 2013)

friggin doublepost.


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