# What is it that makes relationships so hard? Why do people always say that?



## JW8614 (Sep 8, 2014)

I've always heard that relationships are hard, but I can never get a clear answer as to why people say this...

Does anyone know?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Because of humans. We are a complicated mess.

No two people are the same and we all want different things. Finding someone compatible on every level is impossible so that's what makes it hard. People change, grow, relationships evolve. Nothing is static.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first marriage was hard, because we had different needs and expectations, and limited ability to reach acceptable compromises that didn't always go her way.

This marriage is amazingly easy. We truly want the best for each other, do thoughtful things for each other constantly, and are almost always in tune regarding needs, desires, expectations, and interests. The rest are easy compromises, with a very few things where we just agree to disagree and do our own thing when it comes to those.


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## PenguinCat (Jan 9, 2014)

The constant compromise needed to make a relationship work can get exhausting sometimes.


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## Spungo (Mar 15, 2013)

Most people are in terrible relationships. This happens for lots of reasons:
-gender assumptions
-lack of role models
-unreasonably high or low expectations
-shoe fitting (claiming the person you have is exactly what you wanted)


Men and women are always separated. They are expected to wear different clothes, have different hair styles, different interests, different careers, and use different bathrooms. Logically, kids growing up with this separation conclude that men and women are very different (just like segregation made people think whites and blacks were different). This leads to terrible assumptions about the other gender. When you assume that men and women are different, you assume that you'll never find a person you really click with. People settle for something that sucks and they'll say "That's just the way men are." No, that's not the way men are. That's the way _your_ man is, and you made a mistake to settle for that. 

Gender assumptions are also the cause of unreasonable expectations. You are a woman; therefore, you must cook supper. Does it matter that both people worked 8 hours that day? Nope, doesn't matter. Woman cooks food, end of story. If she doesn't, yell at her and say she's a bad wife. Where does this silly assumption come from? Why would you dump responsibilities on someone just because of their gender? It doesn't shock anyone when this strains a relationship. Maybe a couple can decide that the person with lighter hair is responsible for changing the baby's diapers, and they can argue over whose natural hair color is lighter. 
People are such idiots.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

It all depends who your with. Relationships are hard if the people in them make them that way, My relationship is not hard, mine is very easy, but i try to communicate as much as i can with my husband i try to make him as happy as i possibly can, and the same goes for him too, hes constantly making sure i am okay, and happy, and if he has a problem he knows i always want him to tell me about it so i can do something about it, same for him.

My last relationship was a nightmare as my ex was so hard to please, he always wanting things his own way, and really did not care for my feelings only his own. We had 3 kids together he lived with me, but it was like he was single doing his own thing.

When i found out he was cheating on me, it was probably the best thing that could have happened as he left i picked myself up and carried on.

I met my husband and he was totally different to my ex in every way possible... I never thought it even possible to be 100% happy, but i am and would not change things for the world. I count myself very lucky.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Personally I think men and women were made so differently that it makes it terribly hard for us to understand the other sex.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

What makes it complicated is that people are expecting it to be much more complicated that it is. They entangle themselves so much in it that they trip all over themselves. 

If you can keep it simple (i love you, i want to be with you, you love me, you want to be with me) you will be ok. Once you allow more than that to seep in you're done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

AVR1962 said:


> Personally I think men and women were made so differently that it makes it terribly hard for us to understand the other sex.


Amen! 

Idk if you've ever seen HBO's True Detective but there is a part where Matthew McConaughey starts telling Woody Harrelson about how different men/women are that TOTALLY resonated with me. He's like, basically it's a clusterfck/mess/not supposed to make any damn sense. Too, true.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

egos


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> Personally I think men and women were made so differently that it makes it terribly hard for us to understand the other sex.


I may have mentioned this before, but when I was a teen and in my early 20s without enough experience with relationships to amount to anything, I thought guys who said they didn't understand women were just knot-heads. I remember saying, "guys who don't understand women just don't try." Once I got into a relationship, however, I discovered that maybe those guys knew what they were talking about.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

Because people change over time. Now, add unto that relationship dynamics - parents, in-laws, kids if you chose to have them, dogs, cats, employers, employees, friends, finances, and the list goes on and on........ these non-static influences on top of two changing people make it inevitable for marriage problems to occur. Now, on top of all that - add the fact that the chances of these two people who got married BOTH being in love with each other IS NOT a 100% occurrence. . Add to that the possible of one or both partners having mental issues or developing mental issues as they age - and wow - look out.

My opinion is that without the two being 100% truly in love - the odds are greatly diminished to have a marriage that lasts a lifetime.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think honestly its becuase we don't spend enough time picking someone we are compatable with so it makes it hard. 

To much time spent on how hot they are, what kinda job they have, what kinda car they drive, where they live. Not enough time spent on if we have the same goals, beliefs, outlooks and values. Those are the things that really matter


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think honestly its becuase we don't spend enough time picking someone we are compatable with so it makes it hard.
> 
> To much time spent on how hot they are, what kinda job they have, what kinda car they drive, where they live. Not enough time spent on if we have the same goals, beliefs, outlooks and values. Those are the things that really matter


I have to agree with this too, and we tend to get married the first time at a young age without a lot of life experiences. Those are the times we are more likely to focus on how hot they are as opposed to our goals, outlooks, etc. 

I certainly look at things a lot differently now at 47 than i did at 22.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
I think relationships are hard for a variety of reasons:

1) so much of your life becomes intertwined with the other - even mild disagreements can be a problem.

2). Hollywood has presented a completely incorrect idea of romance and people who look for that are doomed to misery.

3) Two people can't vote. There will always be things you disagree on - and no good way to settle them.

4). Sex. Yes this is a big one. Peoples interests vary tremendously and you have to be very lucky to have similar desires. You usually don't find out about the incompatibilities until you are already in an emotionally committed relationship.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I think relationships are hard for a variety of reasons:
> 
> 1) so much of your life becomes intertwined with the other - even mild disagreements can be a problem.
> ...


I agree with this also. It appears there are a ton of reasons. 

My daughter is 16, and she and I are very close. We are already starting to talk about relationships. I haven't sat her down under a bright light, but whenever the opportunity presents itself, we chat about relationships, and she seems to enjoy it when it's not a hot-seat situation.

I've talked a lot about my parents and grandparents marriages and how that shaped my beliefs, but things have changed and those ways don't always spill over into the modern era. Reading your title caused me to realize something that isn't rocket science, but I realized that they didn't make it look hard. I never grew up thinking marriage was hard or a lot of work; nobody I knew displayed that.

I hope she can be more prepared for marriage than I was. She;s getting the picture that it's not just something to jump into, and to know as much about the person and what they want from their marriage and future in general as possible.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> I think relationships are hard for a variety of reasons:
> 
> 1) so much of your life becomes intertwined with the other - even mild disagreements can be a problem.
> ...


Pretty much sums it up. The more committed the more invested the more you care about how things go. If the two can't agree then small things become big....


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think honestly its becuase we don't spend enough time picking someone we are compatable with so it makes it hard.
> 
> To much time spent on how hot they are, what kinda job they have, what kinda car they drive, where they live. Not enough time spent on if we have the same goals, beliefs, outlooks and values. Those are the things that really matter


I think this is a big part of it and you know what, people choose potential mates because they're afraid of being alone. At least I think a lot of women do.

You meet someone that you really like, have a lot in common with them, perhaps even find them somewhat attractive. You date for a year and then get married. Is that the best you could do? Is that as good as it gets? Many people don't find out because they marry that person instead of continuing to look for a better fit.

We don't hear about it as much but you used to always hear the "biological clock" concerns from women. They might feel extra stressed to meet someone and get married so that they can start a family before their age could cause health concerns for having children.

Men don't share that concern but that doesn't mean they choose any better. I just really think that a lot of people are bad "pickers" of mates and then don't have the proper commitment level to start with. So if you're in a marriage, chose poorly to begin with, and then aren't that committed, it's no wonder that the marriage will be incredibly hard.

I'm fortunate in that I chose my wife because we shared our most important values. Now don't be fooled though. My first order of business was that she was hot and had a great body. I suppose the rest of it just sealed the deal. even now, 30 years later, I would have chosen her again. Some of us got it right the first time, even if it was by accident.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Pride and selfishness


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

at the risk of sounding like guru talk I will propose this.

many people have found 'inward happiness'. that is they are intrinsically happy people. when two intrinsically happy people find each other, the relationship is usually fairly easy.

when an intrinsically happy person weds an intrinsically unhappy person, there is usually struggle and conflict. trying to make the unhappy person happy is a never ending issue and leads to unhappiness for both.

Two intrinsically unhappy people? watch out!

the problem is this: while dating, it is very difficult to discern the intrinsic unhappiness in the prospective spouse. The 'fog of love',
the stimulation of dating, the exhilaration and high of being in a new relationship........you get the idea. masks the intrinsic unhappiness in your would be spouse. It make take years, after the 'honeymoon stage' to realize (or maybe you never realize) that your spouse is intrinsically unhappy.

However, I hold that basic happiness is developed in youth (and also greatly influenced by genetics) and very hard to reverse. by adulthood it is very difficult to find that happiness without therapy.

If we are lucky or possessing of great discernment, we might find that intrinsically happy human being and 'the pearl of great price'.

most of us don't.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

more guru talk:

the intrinsically happy person has transitory unhappiness, and the intrinsically unhappy person has transitory happiness.

how do we discern then intrinsically happy? not easy.

most of us just luck into it.


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## cyclone (Jul 7, 2014)

I'd say communication. 

A lack of communication, poor communication, and miscommunication.

We all have different expectations, wants, and needs. When they're not met by our partner we feel hurt and as if we've been wronged by them. But our partners cannot read our minds. This is where communication comes in. We have to be honest with ourselves and with our partners. We have to communicate in a constructive and healthy way...often. Without this relationships are hard.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> at the risk of sounding like guru talk I will propose this.
> 
> many people have found 'inward happiness'. that is they are intrinsically happy people. when two intrinsically happy people find each other, the relationship is usually fairly easy.
> 
> ...


Once again, I agree with this as well. I was the happy person in our marriage, and my x wife was the unhappy person. Near the eand, she even used the word "happy" a lot. She said she wasn't happy and it was time for her to be happy, etc. 

I think my happiness was developed in youth, as i had a great childhood.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Original Poster, I'm curious about the reason for your question. Are you in a relationship? Have you not been in a relationship? Are you happy in yours? Are you unhappy in yours? I'm not challenging or judging you, just curious about the reason for the question.

My reasons are similar to all the rest.

1. The one about being intrinsically happy or unhappy. If you are a happy person, your marriage probably will be happy. If you are unhappy and disgruntled with life and cannot roll with the punches, marriage will be very tough.
2. Basing your happiness on your partner is bad. Find it within yourself. Do not expect your partner to meet all your needs. They are only human.
3. Expectations. If you had a perfect storybook picture of marriage, forget about it. Deal with each day as it comes. As House M.D. said, "You don't get what you want, you get what you get." Richard Benjamin and Paula Prentiss have been through their share of difficulties; they take each day at a time and accept each other as they are today, not as they were 30 years ago.
4. Those who do not have a capacity for commitment and dealing with problems may have great difficulty with the day to day challenges of marriage. It's easy to just bail.
5. Men and women are fundamentally different and it can be very hard to understand each other.
6. If it is easy to get on your nerves, marriage may be tough. You need to be able to tolerate people and their foibles.
7. Some people are introverts and have a very hard time being around another person and dealing with relationships. They long for time to regroup and breathe a sigh of relief with no one around. 
8. Seeing the other person as standing in the way of you getting to live the life you want.

Today at church it was pointed out that authentic love (agape love, not the eros/romantic/Cupid kind) is all about sacrificial giving. Only in the last 200 years or so was marriage about romantic love and the perfect relationship. Although of course there were loving marriages, it was a permanent family relationship which you accepted and made the best of. The key is to give unconditionally even when the romantic feelings ebb and flow. Try to make the other person happy and meet their needs.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

kindnessrules said:


> 5. Men and women are fundamentally different and it can be very hard to understand each other.
> 6. If it is easy to get on your nerves, marriage may be tough. You need to be able to tolerate people and their foibles.
> 7. Some people are introverts and have a very hard time being around another person and dealing with relationships. They long for time to regroup and breathe a sigh of relief with no one around.


These are the ones that apply to me. Lord knows I complain about my wife, but that doesn't mean that I don't have plenty of flaws as well. I remember when a friend of mine lived with me for several months until he got married. Wasn't all that bad, but was glad when he moved out. I loved living by myself as I could do what I want, when I want. 

My wife gets on my nerves (and I'm sure I get on hers), and stuff that I didn't see before we got married (or even before we had kids) now drive me up the wall. I remember looking forward to going out and spending the night together, because we enjoyed each others company. Now I look forward to when she's not around and the kids and I can do stuff without her.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

French Fry, that was profound.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Saw an interesting article at Psychology Today about modern marriage and why it's so challenging:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-prime-life/201504/her-marriage-and-his

Who knows why some marriages turn out happy and some do not, or even why some end and some endure (eliminating serious problems like addiction, infidelity, abuse, etc.). Like a new car, the shine wears off. Everyone walks down the aisle with stars in their eyes, but it can just wear you down over time. But then you have to balance the stress of staying versus leaving and starting a new life. Some women stay for financial reasons and find satisfaction in their children and outside activities. Some men stay because they dislike change and learn to hunker down and just deal with it. 

For me, an introvert, like another poster said, sometimes I just long for times to have the house to myself and have my life back. Today my husband called in sick - unexpectedly, after bragging yesterday about how long it's been since he called in sick after getting himself all hyped up staying up half the night downloading Turbotax after putting it off as long as possible. It's Monday, the day he usually calls in, although he vehemently denies it. I know, I know, I am the meanest wife ever and should be grateful that he willingly works a demanding job and brings home a paycheck. I am, believe me. 

Seriously, someone should warn the children. We raise them and they grow up and go on to be unhappily married and the cycle perpetuates. Why?


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Of course there is more than one reason for this, but a major reason is that most men don't know what women actually are sexually attracted to. This is particularly problematic because there is a lot of relationship advice on this point which is not only useless but harmful, because it contradicts reality and thus leads to very unsatisfactory relationships, e.g., "do more chores and she will be hot for you".


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Of course there is more than one reason for this, but a major reason is that most men don't know what women actually are sexually attracted to. This is particularly problematic because there is a lot of relationship advice on this point which is not only useless but harmful, because* it contradicts reality and thus leads to very unsatisfactory relationships, e.g., "do more chores and she will be hot for you"*.


I don't think that's even true. If my husband were not kind and helpful, we would not even be married, much less having sex together.

Doing things for me, like helping around the house, is definitely something I appreciate. It makes me feel warm and loving towards him. And that makes me want to be physically close to him, which leads to sexual arousal.

For me, anyway, chores do lead to sex. And I doubt I am the only woman like this.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

To be honest, right now I am very much in love and happy with my husband, but also we have very few stresses on our marriage:

1. we have no children and have agreed that we do not want them
2. he makes a good salary and is happy with his job. He has reminded me that I don't need to work.
3. I have accepted that my "job" is the home and I do everything to make it a comfortable one. Ergo, there are no arguments about whose turn it is to clean the kitchen and so on....
4. I look to him on how to manage his family. His mother and stepfather are very nice. He has 3 half siblings and I have looked to him as to how to deal with him.
5. At the same time, he doesn't get chummy with my family (and I have dated guys who did) so that cuts down on the agro.
6. Friends - I don't have any "male Best Friends" and he doesn't have any "female Best Friends." We have very few friends of the OSF. 

Other people should list out other pressure points that long term relationships have to address.


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