# Need some insight into something



## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and we have a fantastic relationship. Love has only gotten stronger over the years. We love spending time together and we both regularly show signs of affection towards each other.

Sex life has been mostly good. We are both comfortable with the frequency. She makes an effort to initiate sometimes when she knows I want it. We are both comfortable with what we can do in the bedroom. We both enjoy it, and she regularly gets orgasms. Overall, none of the classic problems. 

However, there is one major difference between us, sexually. 

Me: I love sex. Great sex can make me happy for a week (food tastes better, work stress doesn't bother me, etc.). I have fantasies, and talk about them. I get totally into it, physically, psychologically, and emotionally. Not everytime, of course... often we have quickies or just have a little fun. Sometimes i have mild, but still enjoyable, orgasms. Other times, it is mindblowing and leaves me feeling incredibly satisfied. 

My wife: she likes sex, but doesn't love it. Every orgasm is the same (feels nice, relatively short duration). She has never differentiated between bad, good, or great sex. She has ZERO fantasies. She says it would never cross her mind to have alone time to masturbate and escape into any fantasies. It is never an intense experience for her, but rather an enjoyable act that she does not mind partaking in a few times a week. When it's over, it's over. The idea of craving sex is so foreign to her. The idea that great sex can make her feeling good the next day is so foreign to her. Setting, foreplay, dirty or sweet talk, etc. all have very little effect on her, as she does not get into sex that way. Orgasming is mostly a physical goal. It's like her orgasms are mass produced and generic, all identical in form and function. 

I have never met a woman like this. She has had one sexual partner before me and it was always like that. She has no hangups with sex that I know of. She is comfortable talking about it, enjoys different positions, open to seeing what we enjoy. 

Of course, the thing I wonder the most is whether it's me. Do I fail to get her excited? But on the other hand, we are comfortable enough to talk about what or who turns us on (like actors or models, etc.), and she really just has no fantasies about other people. Also, I see no other evidence that she is not attracted to me. 

I'm always willing to do anything in the bedroom to please her. After a few years of experimenting, she finds penetration (with variations... sometimes just the head, sometimes just rubbing, sometimes deep) and vibrators most to her liking. Not as into fingering or oral. So we have explored quite a bit to see what she likes. But in the end, it is still just a physical goal, and sex to her is very routine and unexciting. She cannot get herself psychologically or emotionally excited about it. 

I'm wondering if anyone can identify with this? Is there a moment of awakening that has not yet occurred? Is there still a mystery to be uncovered within her? I continue to have hope, but after 5 years and virtually zero progress, I have lately wondered if she is just not a sexual person and that this is how it will always be for her? I would love to discover a higher sexual capacity for enjoyment within her. But if it is not there, then it's not there.

Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated! Thank you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Yours is one of the more unusual cases. Could I ask your ages?


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## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Yours is one of the more unusual cases. Could I ask your ages?


We are both early 30's.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Is she happy and satisfied?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Women often do not get into high gear sexually until 36+. However, it can come even later. My wife is getting hornier and hornier, and she is 47.

However, having said all that, you need to discover her "hot button". I gave a full write-up on one way of doing this in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/8657-cant-figure-her-out.html

If you really want some answers read the whole thread - twice 
I have some other advice, but I will wait for your feedback first.


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## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

dobo said:


> Is she happy and satisfied?


That's a tough question to answer. I think she is a pretty happy person. 

But she does say that she feels bad sometimes that we are so disconnected on many levels (not just sex, but appreciation for other things in life). She has asked me several times if I ever miss spending time with someone that is more in tune with my passions. I tell her emphatically no and that I have never felt real love until I met her and that there is no one else I could be happy with. I ask her the same thing and she has the same answer.

The truth is that we are very different people, so there are some challenges in the relationship. But I feel like she is generally happy and satisfied.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I agree with MT on the age when things heat up for women. I'm in my mid-40s and have never had a higher drive (more than my husband).

Are the areas where you are disconnected a source of pain for either of you? I mean, the kind of lamenting, wishing you were more "right" for one another pain? If that were not the case, would her lower interest in sex bother you as much as it does?

I guess what I want to say is that if she is happy then why can't you choose to be happy for her and with her? 

That's part of acceptance and acceptance is the highest form of love. 

Or is it that you want a lover who validates you? Because that's what it often comes down to. I know this from my own issues relating to my husband's lower drive. Sometimes it really gets me down but he's very happy. I don't understand how he can be and I convince myself something is wrong and that it is my fault, etc. And then I get sad. 

I might as well try to believe him, right? Afterall if he's lying, I can't be held responsible for what I don't know. I can't fix what isn't communicated to me. And if he isn't lying, then he really is happy. So why should it torment me?

It is weird. You go along for so long trying to find someone you love like crazy, and then you find that person and they love you back similarly, and you still can't just let yourself be happy...


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## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Women often do not get into high gear sexually until 36+. However, it can come even later. My wife is getting hornier and hornier, and she is 47.
> 
> However, having said all that, you need to discover her "hot button". I gave a full write-up on one way of doing this in this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/8657-cant-figure-her-out.html
> 
> ...


I actually read that, and just read it again. It is fantastic information, and I think your ideas are great. 

However, I still think there is something very different about her. For one thing, I drop hints all the time, and she NEVER gets them. She has a history of this. You have to pretty much say right to her face exactly what you want in the plainest way possible to get through. She simply pays no attention to subtle hints. Even her close friends experience this. Sometimes her friend is obviously upset about something and when I tell my wife this, she is totally surprised. Unless her friend says to her "I am upset right now because..." she will assume that everything is fine and dandy. 

I on the other hand have been trying to get hints and clues for years, and have resorted to direct asking. I don't like doing it, and I know that thread heavily warns against doing it! But at this point, I have no ideas left.  Someone who doesn't take hints is unlikely to give them, imo.

I guess I have nothing else to do but keep trying. I admit to being discouraged at this point. For instance, the SONAR idea is fascinating, but in this case, her personality is so not conducive to it working. I can say something, and unless it is directly relevant to what we are doing at the moment (which in the case of Sonar, should be when we are heading out of the house), she won't internalize it and ponder it. 

I am very much the chick in this relationship and she is very much the guy. It is a very strange thing!


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## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

dobo said:


> I agree with MT on the age when things heat up for women. I'm in my mid-40s and have never had a higher drive (more than my husband).
> 
> Are the areas where you are disconnected a source of pain for either of you? I mean, the kind of lamenting, wishing you were more "right" for one another pain? If that were not the case, would her lower interest in sex bother you as much as it does?
> 
> ...


Thanks for this post. This is very helpful. I know that if I drop this, we can have a harmonious relationship and everything should be fine. It is me having a hard time believing she is the way she is. 

I don't know that our disconnectedness is a source of pain as it is a constant challenge. I am very okay with having different interests, and think it is healthy that way. 

But there is obviously something bothering me about this, and I need to really understand what that is. I'm not sure I know yet.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Have you researched the topic in books? There are some really good ones about sexual health in marriage that may give you the answers you are looking for. The Sex Starved marriage is a good one.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I wonder if she falls somewhere on the autistic scale. The inability to pick up subtle hints may indicate a processing issue...


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## valtys (Oct 28, 2009)

themrs, I have read some material at the library but nothing particularly insightful yet (at least not for this particular situation). But I will give your suggestion a try, thanks!

dobo, I don't know enough about autism to know, but a lot of that specific trait is also a positive thing. She is very chill and never gets obsessed about little things.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

valtys said:


> I guess I have nothing else to do but keep trying. I admit to being discouraged at this point. For instance, the SONAR idea is fascinating, but in this case, her personality is so not conducive to it working. I can say something, and unless it is directly relevant to what we are doing at the moment (which in the case of Sonar, should be when we are heading out of the house), she won't internalize it and ponder it.


The SONAR idea is the best technique I know. Coupled with my other technique of paying very close attention to everything she says. You should at least try it several times before you write it off.

The other thing you can do is tune up your own behaviour. Although the general tone of the article does not cover your case, this article has several categories that if you fall into, would indicate work you can do on yourself: Sexless Marriage?


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