# Addicted to the Pain?



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Hey there

Been reading and posting answers but never told my story as to how I got here.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband of almost 7 years was caught in one hell of a lie. It led me to believe that he was having an affair. Distraught, I sought help here because it seems to be the only place I can find people with a shred of common sense. I demanded the total disclosure thing and I went through phone logs and emails and I can now track him on Find My iPhone. 
Before this, he had never lied to me...not a doozy lie like this. I felt like the world slipped out from under me. I have always had trust issues and been extremely jealous but I had started, over the years, to trust him COMPLETELY. I even let him touch me in a place on my body where I absolutely cannot suffer to be touched. That's how much I trusted him. I feel like he had me in his hands and dropped me into this huge hole. I can't get out of it and every single time I try, I seem to rehash the situation or go on a witch hunt looking for more clues. All it does is open the wound right back up. 
Am I addicted to this hurt? Let me stress that I have yet to find any evidence that he was having an affair, just that he was in contact with this woman a lot (but he is in contact with many women, a lot because he's a business man and I have seen many womens' phone numbers occurring frequently on the phone bill back two years.) I have also confronted her as well. She had this flabbergasted almost laugh on her face like "you can't be serious" and stressed how NOT like that the relationship was -- only business. Anyhoo, I just can't get past the trust being blown to bits. I loved him so damn much it seems unhealthy how in love with this man I really am. It was a lie yes but not an affair why am I reacting like this? I stay in bed all day, in the dark for the most part and I can't stop bringing it up. I'm going insane.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you don't KNOW whether he cheated or not? And it's only been 2 weeks? Man, you're just getting started 

You need to KNOW. He needs to prove he didn't. You caught him in a lie, a BIG one. Now he has some very heavy lifting to do.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

no...I don't know for sure. He says that his relationship with her is purely business but never mentioned her before one night she called in the middle of dinner. She wanted him to go to a party where he could meet some PR people etc. etc. He went, I was infuriated and she got on my radar. I kept thinking how inappropriate she was by calling a family man in the middle of dinner. 
How am I supposed to find out? This is all killing me, it's eating me up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you done much reading around the Coping with Infidelity section? There's lots of good info there - pay attention to people's signatures, there's great links.

You can go all stealth mode and start snooping - get a keylogger, a VAR or two, snoop in his phone. Since you already let him know you're suspicious, he will probably go way underground if he is cheating. He could have a secret phone, secret emails etc. Have a look at his bank and credit cards statements for any weird stuff.

Best case is you find out nothing's going on 

Are there any other red flags happening?


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

Is there a way for a keylogger to go undetected? He's got his computer souped up to the nines with anti-spyware and the like. He's a computer guy, it's what he does.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

hotdogs said:


> no...I don't know for sure. He says that his relationship with her is purely business but never mentioned her before one night she called in the middle of dinner. She wanted him to go to a party where he could meet some PR people etc. etc. He went, I was infuriated and she got on my radar. I kept thinking how inappropriate she was by calling a family man in the middle of dinner.
> How am I supposed to find out? This is all killing me, it's eating me up.


Is there more to this story? Cause I'm not seeing a smoking gun...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

One day he was driving home from work and refused to answer the phone. He had NEVER done this before so I started flipping out thinking he was hurt or something. Well, a few days later I am talking with this woman, who all of a sudden is super thrusted into our lives and she is going on about how my husband got the sh!ts when he was driving her downtown the other day. I said "oh what day was that?" and she said it was the same day that I called in a panic. He had never told me she was in the car, in fact he had deliberately hid the information from me. His excuse was that I was panicking and he knew I was going to tear him a new a$$hole for driving this person around and he didn't want to mess up the business relationship. This was completely out of character for him. He's never really lied to me, I mean REALLY.
Or I don't know and he's been lying for years.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you talked to the OW and established boundries...cuz her calling your man at dinner time was a big time f^ck up on her part.

I'd go VAR...you've been around here long enough you know what I'm talking about.

If you have the dough hire a PI.

But trust your gut and follow thru look at some of the threads over at CWI I know youv'e been there so it might serve you well to figure out whats really going on.

As far as your emotional health go see an IC an keep posting here for more support.


You have to ask your self, what is your H doing to affair proof his marriage cuz having this OW thrusted into your marraige is not good.

How transparent is he?


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

So he drove around a client and didn't tell you? I would think it would be something more drastic from your reaction.

Have your ex partners cheated on you? Or have you cheated on them in the past?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am wondering if there's anything else he's doing to raise red flags.

And I am a huge believer in follow your gut.

the_guy has great advice.

As for the keylogger, I don't know much about them, sorry.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

And getting a call during dinner is such a serious issue? Lots of people have my phone number, and relatively few of them know what time I had dinner at home. I would screen my calls while at dinner, but it wasn't a hanging offense if I needed to take one. And it sure didn't mean I was having an affair with the caller.

I'm not saying you don't have reason to be concerned; maybe there's a number of smaller flags waving that you haven't mentioned. The driving her around and not telling you about it might be one. But depending on the timing and how you reacted to her dinner call, I might have chosen to not tell you either.

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and if he's a big computer geek, a key logger is a pretty risky move.

C


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Sounds like you have been hurt and are hypervigilant. Hypervigilance is a term used in post traumatic stress disorder. My husband cheated and he hides things like that too, because he's fearful of me reading more into it. I have read too much into things before and he tries to avoid problems with me which inevitably leads to him keeping things from me. It's a problem that we haven't been able to fix. I battle with intuition vs facts all the time. It's a difficult way to live. My hypervigilance causes me to question everything. All i can do to keep from going crazy is focus on the facts alone. I will question more if there are a line of facts pointing to something wrong. My gut feelings have been wrong in the past and they are what have contributed to a lot of anxiety for me. I am so sorry you are having this problem too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

My advice is to pay attention to what's going on, but focus only on the facts. Let the anxiety and what ifs go unless you have more to go on. Don't isolate yourself. The fear and anxiety will eat you alive. I know it's easier said than done, but find something you enjoy doing to occupy your mind and time. Housework and exercise help me sometimes.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

hotdogs, I think you have some legitimate concern here. If there is/was something going on between your husband and this woman she surely wouldn't admit it to you when you confront her. But on the other hand, if there WAS something going on between him and her, I don't know why she would have brought up that day she was in the car with him when you called in a panic, because if she wasn't supposed to be in that car then why would she expose it?

But this woman calling in the middle of dinner is definitely invasive. There's no reason your husband should have to just get up and go to a party in an instant like that. If it's not a planned event that's in his calendar then it's not a critical business function with an expectation that he needs to be there, so he shouldn't need to abandon his family time to attend this party. For all you know, it could have been a ploy by the woman just to lure him out to meet her....

Your husband lying to you is a big concern. If he's not being unfaithful, he at least feels like he can't be truthful with you for some reason. Do you have a tendency to freak out or over-react in certain situations which would lead him to avoid that kind of confrontation / reaction from you?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> One day he was driving home from work and refused to answer the phone. He had NEVER done this before so I started flipping out thinking he was hurt or something. Well, a few days later I am talking with this woman, who all of a sudden is super thrusted into our lives and she is going on about how my husband got the sh!ts when he was driving her downtown the other day. I said "oh what day was that?" and she said it was the same day that I called in a panic. He had never told me she was in the car, in fact he had deliberately hid the information from me. His excuse was that I was panicking and he knew I was going to tear him a new a$$hole for driving this person around and he didn't want to mess up the business relationship. This was completely out of character for him. He's never really lied to me, I mean REALLY.
> Or I don't know and he's been lying for years.


This sounds like another infatuation case. Not filling you in when she's around, avoiding you really... he's got a crush on this lady and doesn't know how to handle it.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> This sounds like another infatuation case. Not filling you in when she's around, avoiding you really... he's got a crush on this lady and doesn't know how to handle it.


Yeah, this sounds about right.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

These are all great points. I did fail to mention that I have a pretty rough history of being jealous of nearly every pretty woman he has any contact with...this being because he cheated on both of his ex wives.
His arguement of being fearful of letting me know this woman was in the car is valid. I most likely would not have been the nicest peach on the vine to her. But I know I would not have caused an enormous scene, especially since as of late I had been trusting him COMPLETELY.

The infatuation thing sounds more like it. She's many things I am not --- she is somewhat successful in her career (I am a mother and thats it) and she has a rolodex anyone would kill for. She can get into all the best restaurants and parties etc. My husband was enthralled with the idea that she could make him some money by introducing him around. When I say she is many things I am not I mean bad things as well. She's one of those fake tanned, fake boobed, hair extension kinda gals. Nicer body than I have but way less attractive (it doesnt take much to do that in my mind but I can say for sure WAYYY LESS attractive)
She's a terrible mother, oftentimes dumping her poor kid on anyone AND I MEAN ANYONE who will take him for the time she needs to be the pseudo celebrity that she is. She's also a local celeb, being a radio show host and such. I am just not one for the limelight, I hate it. My husband loves it. He thrives that way. He's always loved high maintenance diva-like women. I was tamed by the birth of several children and I am more mature, down to earth and less impressed by the glitz.
He may have just found someone he thought was amazing (he told me he thought she was amazing) and recently learned that she's pretty much full of sh!t. He has also learned what deceit and betrayal can do to a person. He had always done the doing and never stuck around to see the destruction. This time he saw it, it made him sick and he's groveling and slipped into a depression himself. He's lost 10 lbs already. He's truly sorry and has offered to set up cameras in his office that record his voice as well as his image.
He said last night that even though I had gone through so much together with him (abuse from my mother, physical and verbal) that I never let it get the best of me. He said but this time there was no wiping the sorrow off of my face even though I tried like hell. It was like one day he realized the trauma he inflicted and he figuratively fell to his knees.
I'll never know what really happened but I'll always remember how life was before it did and I always remember how I felt when I saw the love of my life become infatuated with another woman like he once was with me. To me, that's enough.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Awww hotdogs. I hope he can make it up to you. It sounds like he's trying to. That in itself is a blessing.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I just don't know how to fix it or how he can even fix it. The memory won't leave my mind anytime soon.

The idea of watching him on a webcam all day and tracking him and watching and snooping...what kind of life is that? Ya know?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hang in there girl, its still fresh for the both of you and I hope that your man takes the steps to affair proof his marriage. 
One way or another you will get thru this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

hotdogs said:


> I just don't know how to fix it or how he can even fix it. The memory won't leave my mind anytime soon.
> 
> The idea of watching him on a webcam all day and tracking him and watching and snooping...what kind of life is that? Ya know?


Its not that bad of a life, I've been there. LOL


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

you know the weirdest part is I've been wanting to get physically intimate now more than I usually do. I don't know if I'm marking him like some animal or what.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

In all seriousness though, even after the snooping and spying after d-day it payed off for us. It took awhile and thru my fWW action and my confirmation that she was behaving like I was always around, it got to apoint were it kind of faded away.

Sure I still check up on her but for the most part we are moving on together.


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## Bottled Up (Nov 12, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> you know the weirdest part is I've been wanting to get physically intimate now more than I usually do. I don't know if I'm marking him like some animal or what.


Yes, you are. You're getting defensive of your territory because you sense a threat to your relationship.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> you know the weirdest part is I've been wanting to get physically intimate now more than I usually do. I don't know if I'm marking him like some animal or what.


It kinda is! But it's a good thing. Sex keeps you close and in tune with one another. Deepens the intimacy with you so there's no chance for any infiltration.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its called hystirical bonding and yes its natural to claim your man.

So go for it!

Its arguable that this could be a reward for his past behavior, I personaly think that if his action warnt a bone then give it to him.

Remember sex is the glue that keeps the m going. IMHO


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

LIke a week after I found out about all of this (I found out in a big clusterf$ck of weirdness with the other woman present)

The OW moved, she just packed up and moved out of town. The town is only an hour away but that was so weird. I remember when I told my husband he had the weirdest reaction, it was denial. He was like "no she isnt moving she's just doing this and this" and "no! she can't be moving that's crazy!" I pointed out that he seemed distraught, he got irritated of course. Then he asked me if I ran her out of town. I told him although that much power would rule, I did not, in fact, run the wh*re out of town.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> LIke a week after I found out about all of this (I found out in a big clusterf$ck of weirdness with the other woman present)
> 
> The OW moved, she just packed up and moved out of town. The town is only an hour away but that was so weird. I remember when I told my husband he had the weirdest reaction, it was denial. He was like "no she isnt moving she's just doing this and this" and "no! she can't be moving that's crazy!" I pointed out that he seemed distraught, he got irritated of course. Then he asked me if I ran her out of town. *I told him although that much power would rule, I did not, in fact, run the wh*re out of town*.


:lol:

At least you have a sense of humor about it which is good. 

He was probably shocked she didn't tell him about her plans, especially with how 'close' she seemed to him.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> :lol:
> 
> At least you have a sense of humor about it which is good.
> 
> He was probably shocked she didn't tell him about her plans, especially with how 'close' she seemed to him.


YOU GOT IT! hit that nail on the head purty good.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

LOL. Well his bubble got burst. She's a phony, now he knows for sure. 

Learned a valuable lesson in the process too. I have a feeling he won't be doing anything dumb like this again.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> LOL. Well his bubble got burst. She's a phony, now he knows for sure.
> 
> Learned a valuable lesson in the process too. I have a feeling he won't be doing anything dumb like this again.


now all I have to do is make sure I don't do it either. My natural tendency is to hurt the person as much as they hurt me. I am fighting it big time. I love him though and I keep thinking how devistating it would be for him to feel like he's made me feel.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> now all I have to do is make sure I don't do it either. My natural tendency is to hurt the person as much as they hurt me. I am fighting it big time. I love him though and I keep thinking how devistating it would be for him to feel like he's made me feel.


An eye for an eye in a marriage is dangerous territory. And I know how you feel... I used to be just like that. My ex and I were War of the Roses for the most part. Ugly ugly ugly.

He's hurt by hurting you and that's enough. As long as he shows you he has remorse, that's all you need.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

This is the same woman who takes her husband to strip clubs? LOL


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> This is the same woman who takes her husband to strip clubs? LOL


I like strippers! I can't help it! They're just strippers! They're paid to flirt and be naked n stuff. It's a business exchange. Isn't that weird? how strippers don't set off my jealous alarm at all? Neither does porn. To me it's like getting mad at my husband for browsing a shoe section.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> I like strippers! I can't help it! They're just strippers! They're paid to flirt and be naked n stuff. It's a business exchange. Isn't that weird? how strippers don't set off my jealous alarm at all? Neither does porn. To me it's like getting mad at my husband for browsing a shoe section.


To me it is weird. Until you find out he goes without you.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> To me it is weird. Until you find out he goes without you.


I don't know to be honest. If he didn't have a history of having sex with strippers I don't think I'd be bugged as long as he didn't blow the family treasury on it. But he does. So..


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