# Frustrated in NJ



## bergen (Jun 27, 2012)

I have been married to my wife for 11 years. I still love her the same way that I did when I proposed to her, but I feel myself pulling away from her more every day. 

She has done a ton for me and definitely made me a better person. She gave me the three best gifts on the planet in my three children. She righted my financial existence. I was in financial shambles before I knew her. She showed me new things and introduced me to types of food that I never would have tried without her. Even if we ultimately got divorced, I could never in a million years say that marrying her was the wrong decision. 

A couple of weeks ago, we got into a big fight. During that argument, she stated that there was nothing between us. She backtracked from that comment later on, but she said it nonetheless. It really pissed me off, but the more that I thought of it I realized that she was right. 

Yes, I love her. How could I not? But despite my devotion and feelings towards her I have realized that we aren't a good fit. She doesn't kiss me. Sure, there is an occasional peck on the cheek, but nothing more than that. She won't let me touch her during sex. There is no foreplay at all. Sex itself is cold. You can tell that she does it just to keep me satisfied. The funny thing is that it usually makes me feel worse than not having sex. Having sex with her exposes how little we share with each other. What she doesn't realize is that I don't need her to get off. I need her to feel wanted. I need her to feel important. She doesn't get it and I am sick of chasing that part of her. 

I am not getting divorced and I am not going to cheat. The former would separate me from my kids and kill what is left of this family. I am not going to cheat because it is just wrong. That said, I am done chasing after her. I am not going to hit on her the way I used to. Maybe she will actually miss these parts of me. Then again, maybe she won't. All I know is that I can keep trying the way I used to. 

I have come to realize that neither of us are ever going to change. Whatever we are is what we will be. There is no tomorrow. I am not giving up, I am just changing my expectations.

I feel like I am rambling. I guess I was hoping that saying these things in a place like this would make me feel better. Not sure about that yet. Thanks for reading this.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I've read at least three nearly identical posts in the last 10 minutes. I could write the same post. I'd go read MMSL - Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bergen. I agree with Drover. First thing, your situation is not unique, many go through the same thing. You can not change her! You can only change you! If you change for the better, she will react to that. You have taken the first steps. Continue your search. YOU CAN FIX THIS

Reads for you, there on amazon

Married Mans Sex Life by Kay. This is for you. No, its not a sex book

His Needs, Her Needs by Harley. This is for you and her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hey Bergen (county?),

Also in NNJ (morris) and have had some similar issues as you.

The first and most important point is to talk openly and honestly with her without accusing or becoming angry or hurt. Did the two of you ever have a real passion for each other at the beginning of your marriage? What happened to it?

Your wife is a low drive (LD) individual when it comes to sex and your a high drive (HD). It is the same with me.

If you continue to read on this site you'll find that for women to WANT to have sex, they need an emotional connection to their man. Men on the other hand need sex to establish and maintain their emotional bond to their women. I always term it one of God's cruel jokes!

My wife and I have been married almost 27 years now with 3 kids too (13, 18, and 20) and for me the issue was more one of frequency and her lack of desire for me. When you say she justs gives you sex to keep you satisfied, I call that pity sex (yep, I've had it too) and when I came to the realization that it is pity sex, I stopped enjoying it too.

You said:
"What she doesn't realize is that I don't need her to get off. I need her to feel wanted. I need her to feel important. She doesn't get it and I am sick of chasing that part of her"

That's exactly what I was feeling too. I wanted to be wanted! I wanted her to desire ME as much as I desired HER. In the past year, my wife has intiated sex only twice. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind intiating sex most of the time but every now and then it's nice to know that they want to be intimate with you too and are not doing it as another item to check off on their "To Do" list!

What was helpful to me is that I started to back away from her a little. I no longer did the little things that she liked like holding her hand, complimenting her etc.

I started to do more on my own, like catching up and going out with friends without her (just telling her I was going out Friday night with "friends") and started to get back into some of my old hobbies to make myself happy.

We also did talk about things and it's helped but we've done that before too and it typically has backslide to the same old same old after time. We'll see what happens this time.

Some here have also had great success with both regular marriage counseling (MC) and some with a certified sex therapist so I encourage to explore those options if the two of you are open to the idea.

Also, is your wife on any birth control? Some here have found this to be a complete libido killer and others have had success with their LD partners getting complete physicals and discovering either low testosterone level (in men) or other hormones out of balance (in women)

You're only 11 years into your marriage and too young to let this continue. My problems didn't start manifesting until a few years back so I'm further into it than you but i will say that I will not rule out striking out on my own regardless of the personal and financial hel1 this could reign upon me if things don't stay more positive.

I know you're concerned about your kids but do you think that the best example to set for them is that marriage is NOT about being happy? Also, you'll be a better father to them if YOU'RE happy!

Good luck!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry OP but welcome to the club.

If you find the secret that will fix this let me know.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Been there, too.

I have found that lowering expectations, as part of trying to turn things around or as part of an exit strategy, can help but in the long run if you plan on staying together, lowered expectations just lead to resentment and frustration on your part.

I have had plenty of conversations with my wive regarding this and have seen a change in her but I have to admit that the change only came about when I was close to leaving the marriage. It can be done. MMSL is a good start but can take time.

Open communication is required. You have to be able to tell her that a fulfilling intimate sexual relationship, not duty or pity sex, is necessary to make the marriage work.

A lot of guys don't want to say they need sex but it is true and you have to be able to say that to your wife.

Then, because of this, you stop delivering what SHE needs in the relationship.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

test


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They are links to books that can help you rebuild our marriage.

Every marriage goes through slumps. Now that you are aware that both of you are in a slump, it's time for a marriage overhaul.

Getting angry at your wife for her feelings is not productive at all. She's telling you something very important. If you ignore her feelings now, you will most likley end up divorced... if you don't file she very will might in the future. 

So be proactive. Get the help you need now.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Original poster hasn't been back since his first post almost a week ago.

Looks like another Hit And Run to me


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