# My husband has unrealistic expectations of my family



## WishfulThinker (Mar 4, 2012)

My husband seems to have these expectations about the amount of effort my family should make to make him feel loved and included. His family is great in that way and they do put effort in to make me feel part of the family. My family however are much more subtle and they don't express how they feel very well. He is upset because he has had to leave for a few weeks (I am staying with them while he is away) and nobody from my side of the family has emailed him or kept in touch. 

I have explained that they are like that and that he cannot take it personally. I have tried to illustrate that that is how they are with everyone. I have even reprimanded my entire family for not making more effort.

He now wants to cut them off completely. It's putting strain on our relationship and it's causing strain on my relationship with my family. I feel so stuck in the middle. They do love him, they just aren't great at expressing it. He also doesn't see that in the 5 weeks he's been away he hasn't bothered to stay in touch either. It's like he expects that all the effort should come from them. He keeps saying that he has put in effort, but really, when he was here he was very distant and really didn't get involved with them much. 

I am not sure how to proceed now. I am very worried that he'll cut them off (which he has done to all his friends and some of his extended family when they failed to meet his expectations) and that my close relationship with my family will suffer for it. How do I encourage him to see things differently without him feeling like I am disregarding his feelings?


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## lalsr1988 (Apr 16, 2012)

My father and mother in law pay my wife and I rent for a bedroom in our house. Seven years, and I and they have not exchanged a single sentence. I don't give a damn and apparently neither do they. I could care a less about how my wife's family treats me. I'm still banging their daughter. Your husband seems to have a need for attention and sounds whiny.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, this is his low self esteem talking. Tell him it's not their job, and tell him if he wants to act like a child and cut them off, that's his right, but you won't go along with it. I went along with it, and missed out on most of my family, now they're all mostly dead and it's too late. Don't make my mistake.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My father was like that, my mother and my sister and so was I until I got therapy. It is due to low self esteem. 

Your husband believes with all his being that he was wronged and nothing you will say will convince him otherwise. That is HIS truth. So let him cut them off as that is his right. It is also your right to not go along with it. If you do this you'll support his feelings AND yours.

He is free to hang out with whomever he wants and the same goes for you. Don't let him come between you and your family. People like your husband will isolate you from everyone if you let them.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lalsr1988 said:


> My father and mother in law pay my wife and I rent for a bedroom in our house. Seven years, and I and they have not exchanged a single sentence. I don't give a damn and apparently neither do they. I could care a less about how my wife's family treats me. I'm still banging their daughter. Your husband seems to have a need for attention and sounds whiny.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow!:scratchhead: What's your secret?


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## WishfulThinker (Mar 4, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Your husband believes with all his being that he was wronged and nothing you will say will convince him otherwise. That is HIS truth. So let him cut them off as that is his right. It is also your right to not go along with it. If you do this you'll support his feelings AND yours.
> 
> He is free to hang out with whomever he wants and the same goes for you. Don't let him come between you and your family. People like your husband will isolate you from everyone if you let them.


Thanks for this. I understand that it is what he truly believes, but I find it so difficult to not to get angry at him for it. It seems so hypocritical that he won't put in effort and yet he expects it. I am really close to my family and I get hurt when he talks badly about them. My brother recently got engaged and I was really excited to chat about it with my husband; instead, he makes snide comments. He's already said he's not going to the wedding which hurts me deeply, It'd be in a different country and I can't believe he'd expect me to do it without him over something so petty! 

He also told his entire family (who I am quite close to) how awful my family is. The whole things has exploded into this big mess!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would take a stand NOW, because you will be stuck with whatever you agree to now, for the rest of your marriage.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

how is he in other parts of your marriage? is he so controlling with everything else - either it's his way or the highway? It is very dysfunctional that he has already cut off friends and family for a perceived slight. And now he wants to cut off your family because he can't change who they are. You know this is very sick, right? He is very selfish that he wants you to sever ties with a family you are very close with - not because they stole or cheated or committed a crime or abused people, but because he doesn't feel the love. 

I would be very very resentful if my husband took a stand like that. It would affect everything. What are this guy's positives? Are you walking on eggshells so as not to upset your husband? 

I don't think this issue is just about your family. Maybe this time it is, but he probably has unrealistic expectations and blows his cork about a lot of things. Are you and other people always the bad guy?


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