# Contemplating divorce at 50 - afraid I won't find some new



## NewLifePlease

I am 50 (about to become 51). I am attractive and look young for my age. (and will be even better once I loose a few pounds). I have been with a verbally and emotionally abusive husband for 7 years. I have lost all of who I am and want to get it back. I live in a comfortable home but willing to leave it all because I am so desperately unhappy with him.

I am watching sex and the city marathon and spending the whole day in bed. There was one scene with a successful woman in her 50s who said the pool of men her age is very shallow because the men her age want younger women. It is true. Then there is the scene with her going out with a guy a foot shorter than her that she initially called a Hobbit - the idea is she has to settle.

What has it been like for you ladies dating again at 50 and over?


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## dajam

NewLifePlease said:


> I am 50 (about to become 51). I am attractive and look young for my age. (and will be even better once I loose a few pounds). I have been with a verbally and emotionally abusive husband for 7 years. I have lost all of who I am and want to get it back. I live in a comfortable home but willing to leave it all because I am so desperately unhappy with him.
> 
> I am watching sex and the city marathon and spending the whole day in bed. There was one scene with a successful woman in her 50s who said the pool of men her age is very shallow because the men her age want younger women. It is true. Then there is the scene with her going out with a guy a foot shorter than her that she initially called a Hobbit - the idea is she has to settle.
> 
> What has it been like for you ladies dating again at 50 and over?


Ok, so I am not a girl... but a guy who was in a LTR (29 years) turning 57 soon. 

I had it all in everyone else's eyes, great looking wife great jobs, awesome house, set for life for the most part. Funny, when the guys I know at local establishments found out we were separating they all were hitting on her like fresh meat. Even while I was with her. Really opened my eyes to how some guys have no class. 

We chose to end it. a couple of years ago, have not dated as I am am becoming who I chose to be, it does take time., Roller coaster of emotions, as time progresses it becomes significantly better, I had lots of insecurities when this first started, Most of the negative feelings have subsided, learning to be me.

I take the attitude that dating is not the focus of my life, however, I would date a 50 year old in a heart beat, Especially if they are a "good" person. I am not an age snob.. I look at everyone as a person regardless of age. If your are open minded does it matter?

So my advice is focus on who you are and can be, the dating thing is a non issue. It will come in time.

You are not alone, out there. 

I have old school values, which is a contradiction to the TV show your are watching, I bend them and flex them but never truly break them. I am now in charge of my life.


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## NewLifePlease

Dajam
Thank you so much of your response. It really made me feel encouraged.


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## Ynot

I am not a woman either, but I am a soon to be 54 year old man coming off a 25 year LTR. I for one have no interest in someone much younger than myself. I think if you are looking towards your next relationship, that you should consider that some commonality is the foundation of every relationship. I think I would have a lot more in common with someone my age than I could ever have with some half my age. The 50+y/o guys looking for significantly younger women would not be the kind of guys you want anyways. Let them self select themselves for elimination from your list - it just saves you time.
But take some time to find out who you are and what you want before starting your search. Probably more importantly than knowing what you want is knowing what you DON'T want first. You might be surprised to find something better than what you actually wanted.


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## Martin12

First, if you are lying in bed and watching a Sex and the City marathon, is this the kind of thing which is distorting your thinking and affecting your marriage? Do you imagine being like Carrie, and does this lead you to justify a fantasy by framing your husband as "verbally and emotionally abusive?" 

Is he really that bad? Since I got divorced, I've been with a couple of separated/divorced women your age, they all frame their husbands as "verbally abusive" for transient expressions of anger without any self-examination at all.

Second, you are going to have to adjust your expectations. I am 59 and have been dating women down to age 32. For a LTR, I don't think I would consider anyone over 45, and even then would prefer younger. 

I am sure there are plenty of 60+ year old guys who would like you, though.


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## dajam

NewLifePlease said:


> Dajam
> Thank you so much of your response. It really made me feel encouraged.


Your welcome any time, One thing I forgot to mention is, I have never been single before so divorce was an extremely difficult thing for me. However, I am very happy with the life I am creating. I look forward to all the new people and things I do.

So start working toward the person you want to be and stay positive.


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## LongWalk

Being quit of your abusive spouse is more important than anything else.


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## Married but Happy

Finding yourself again is key to living happily whatever else life brings. Yes, dating can be more difficult as you get older, and there are some men who want much younger women. However, many - perhaps most - want to date within 5 years (maybe 10 years) of their own age. I've had fun dating much younger women, but for anything serious, I dated - and married - a woman closer to my age.


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## Fenix

So am I the first woman who has responded?  I got separated at 50 and am now 51 after a 25 marriage. Some would say I gave up everything. I look at as finally finding everything. Let me tell you that the dating scene was/is fun, fun, fun.

I think it is what you make it. I also like the comment above about the self selection. Do you really need a man in your life who is going to be geared toward younger women? Noooo! And no, you don't need to hit the 60 year olds either. *rolleyes*

There are plenty of wonderful men out there who are in the same boat as you. My advice would be to turn off the tv and make your decision based on what is best for you. Don't let your life be ruled by fear.


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## 2xloser

Your only danger is overly generalizing "the pool" out there.
All that matters is finding one from this "pool" that you like and can be comfortable with at any given time. Many and all types are out there -- the midlife crisis guys who just want to take this opportunity to feel younger by being with someone younger, and those who want a serious relationship with someone who is their experiential equal. Unfortunately,bthe 'singles' include all the people who've not found someone to be with for good reasons, as well as those just like you who just need a 2nd (or 3rd+) chance to get it right. There are guys who just want a series of ONS, and the real relationship seekers. The players, and the nice guys. The jerks, the losers, the snotty rich, the abusers, and the gems -- hidden or otherwise. But that is true of men (and women) at all ages, really.


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## NewLifePlease

Dear Martin, 
I am surely not framing my husband as verbally and emotionally abusive. I wish it were all in my head, then my counselors would have straightened me out a long time ago. Two of four counselors strongly advised that I leave. But thanks for your honesty.

Fenix, and everyone - thanks so much for the encouragement.


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## NewLifePlease

And one more thing - I once joined a common interest group just looking to go out and have fun. Most were divorced/going through a divorce. I only went to one meeting. It was very depressing. There were a lot of angry and bitter woman (who had 110% right to be) who used the get together to talk about their husbands and all the terrible things they went through. There was the woman whose husband physically abused her, there was the other woman whose husband had a very good career making over $200K+, but after the divorce he was doing his best to delay and lie so that she would get nothing - even after being married over 20 years. She is struggling financially to take care of herself. But the worst woman was the one who said not much. She was an attractive woman who clearly looked as if she was well to do (at one point). Her husband left her for his secretary. Even though it happened a long time ago, she had an anger you could feel just by being next to her. She was just a shell of a human being. Like a ghost. She reminded me of that movie Ghost with Demi Moore - remember the man in the subway who got pushed onto the tracks. That was who she was. She scared me. Unfortunately, a lot of women get the short end of the stick because they make less because they are taking care of kids and the household, then the husband finds a younger woman and leaves his wife not wanting to give her a dime. That is a lot to make a woman angry...

And sorry to leave the guys out because from reading this forum I know that the woman give their share of hard time to the husbands.


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## SamuraiJack

Sorry you are in this situation.
As a man nearly 50 I can tell you that men my age are feeling the end result of years and years of being minimized, underappreciated and taken for granted.
Now that many of them are going "off the leash", they are free to pick from any pool they choose. Many of my friends have chosen younger.
I can tell you from conversations I have had with them, that many of them feel that younger women are easier to relate to in terms of emotional parity, potential baggage and SEEM to be easier to relate to. 
Many of the men I have spoken to generalize that once a woman is past a certain age they "stand less of a chance of being able to form a lasting relationship".

As to choosing younger women. We do because we can. 

My own personal experience was that the women I met who were my age were difficult and sour tempered. Often they couched their husbands in the worst terms in an attempt to rationalize their divorces. 

I do know that I "ended up" with a woman who was 9 years my junior.

If you are about to enter the dating pool...please be healed and not bitter about all men.

I don't mean to discourage you...but things don't get better the older you get.


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## Fenix

NewLifePlease said:


> And one more thing - I once joined a common interest group just looking to go out and have fun. Most were divorced/going through a divorce. I only went to one meeting. It was very depressing. There were a lot of angry and bitter woman (who had 110% right to be) who used the get together to talk about their husbands and all the terrible things they went through. There was the woman whose husband physically abused her, there was the other woman whose husband had a very good career making over $200K+, but after the divorce he was doing his best to delay and lie so that she would get nothing - even after being married over 20 years. She is struggling financially to take care of herself. But the worst woman was the one who said not much. She was an attractive woman who clearly looked as if she was well to do (at one point). Her husband left her for his secretary. Even though it happened a long time ago, she had an anger you could feel just by being next to her. She was just a shell of a human being. Like a ghost. She reminded me of that movie Ghost with Demi Moore - remember the man in the subway who got pushed onto the tracks. That was who she was. She scared me. Unfortunately, a lot of women get the short end of the stick because they make less because they are taking care of kids and the household, then the husband finds a younger woman and leaves his wife not wanting to give her a dime. That is a lot to make a woman angry...
> 
> And sorry to leave the guys out because from reading this forum I know that the woman give their share of hard time to the husbands.


Yes, but being bitter is a choice. I have plenty of reason to be, but I have worked not to generalize my ex's lying cheating bastard behavior onto anyone else. He was one person.


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## 3Xnocharm

Your focus needs to be on getting out of an abusive, miserable situation instead of worrying about finding a replacement. There is nothing wrong with being on your own, in fact, you need to do that so that you can find who YOU are and what makes you happy. You dont NEED a man in your life. That thinking is going to keep you trapped.


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## NewLifePlease

SamuriJack,
See it is true. And thanks for your perspective. Thank goodness I am not a sour woman who hates men. I do want to find love again because I know how beautiful it can be. If I had gotten divorced 3-4 years ago I would have been very angry and bitter...but because I have fallen out of love with him and don't desire this relationship anymore, I don't feel upset and am actually excited and very afraid that I have a chance to reinvent myself.

It is really interesting what you and your friends say about older women. I think it might be a maturity thing. Women tend to be more mature than men from an early age...when women get older they simply get more and more mature so I am not surprised they men are not able to relate to women after a certain age - they are by this time ripe with wisdom and maturity - the guys are still trying to catch up. But another thing that you did not mention - is that men want younger women because they find younger women more attractive than older aging women with wrinkles. When women are younger, they have a bigger pool - younger "hotties" and older "established" men. When women get older, it is reversed in favor of the guys.


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## SamuraiJack

No…Its not a “maturity” thing at all.
Most men I know could give a Phuck less about maturity.
To most of them, “maturity” is another way of saying “you aren’t going to have any fun with me”.
It’s also another artificial way to elevate yourself from them and continue the cycle of immaturation for males in western society.

But…let me let you in on a little secret.
Most men have already run the life script “marriage.bat” once and found out that it was okay, but it wasn’t something they wanted to press the button on again.
They have reproduced and raised children…now they are free to do what they want.

WHY would they want to be with someone “mature”?
This is the way many women shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to marriage and relationships. The man who is a good father comes DOWN to his children’s level to teach them. He relates-demonstrates and remonstrates in THEIR level. So why do women turn it around on them and suddenly proclaim their husband as “their third child”.?
On a certain level we are doing exactly what we are programmed from a biological standpoint to do. 
Then we have “mature” women criticizing us for it.

Meanwhile we have the Hollywood ROM-COM machine turning out “Walking Disney” crap for these “mature” women.
An act, headed by mostly women, designed to capitalize on the idea that they are “mature” yet catering to the longing they can’t reach because they are mature. 
Yes, that’s right, women are just as easy to screw over their own sex for a buck than men are.

By my age, most men have figured all this out. They have tried on the women’s version of “maturity” and found it didn’t suit them and made life a HELL of a lot less fun.
When a woman proclaims herself as “mature”…we know where we need to be.
Somewhere else.

You see maturity is something that they give you to chase when you are young. 
Men don’t want maturity once they figure out that it’s a false sense of security. 
They would rather have experience.

And that’s one of the reasons we usually hook up with younger women.
First off, they will have us.
Second, they probably got married and divorced and have learned what we have.
They broke through the barrier.

Now…you will probably start two or three more threads with varying themes all trying to accomplish the same goal: being told its okay to do what you want to do.

So…off you go..


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## Wolf1974

My one objection to dating women 40+ has been that they see their life as a set thing and they are willing to share that with a man. Not build a new life, not share his, but share hers. "This is where I'm at and this is your place in that, go sit and be quiet". It's someting I never experience with a woman under 30.

So if you divorce date and be single for awhile. When it comes to dating for relationships be open and honest and be willing to give. Cause like Samuari said at some age men just get intolerant of this type of thing and won't consider any relationship like that.

I doubt you will have any trouble finding dates ranging from 45-59. Have fun.


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## EnjoliWoman

I agree that attitude is everything and having some time to regroup and be alone is important.

I think men that age have a hard time finding a woman who is compatible for a number of reasons but those reasons don't have to apply to you. (I'm 46 btw). 

Generalizations but I, too, find:
- women who are man-haters. Stay away from negativity. Life is too short! Seems like you are good here.
- frumpy women. No holiday sweaters. There is a difference in dressing for your figure and the occasion vs. being utterly frumpy. Keep it young. Not teen young, but when you start dressing like your mom - STOP.  This also implies non-sexual so men won't approach a frumpy woman.
- gold diggers, stepford wives, trophy wives, etc. they look high maintenance and that takes all of the fun out of the fact they are utterly hot. 
- too set in their ways - this speaks to Wolf's point. A LTR or next marriage is a merger, not an acquisition. 

If you are attractive, comfortable in your own skin, flexible and relaxed/spontaneous, you will have no problem finding men your own age.


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## Chuck71

I dated women in their late 30s to early 40s when I was in early 20's.

When the topic of conversation was always focused on how much a schithead their

ex H was or how he left her for a younger woman...talk about a turn-off.

It had me wonder....are we just dating because the XHs new woman

is much younger...kinda like me. Others would say bad things but... good things as well,

how they just grew apart but are co-parenting and focusing on the 

children. It all depends upon how you look at things... 

It's so sad.... love is the greatest feeling in the world, and it's free.

But is still the most elusive emotion for humans to find.

Says a lot about humans huh?


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## Jellybeans

7 billion people on the planet. You will meet people.


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## Fenix

Wolf1974 said:


> My one objection to dating women 40+ has been that they see their life as a set thing and they are willing to share that with a man. Not build a new life, not share his, but share hers. "This is where I'm at and this is your place in that, go sit and be quiet". It's someting I never experience with a woman under 30.
> 
> So if you divorce date and be single for awhile. When it comes to dating for relationships be open and honest and be willing to give. Cause like Samuari said at some age men just get intolerant of this type of thing and won't consider any relationship like that.
> 
> I doubt you will have any trouble finding dates ranging from 45-59. Have fun.


Interesting thought. Now, I will turn it around. I have a WYSIWYG attitude. I have twisted myself around for a man who ultimately didn't deserve it. Now, I will not do that again. What I will find is someone who fits with who I am. This is not static and I am uncompromising on this.

Thank goodness I am really fun and love adventure!


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## SamuraiJack

48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds | The Onion - America's Finest News Source


You might be lightened up by this very, very serious in depth article...


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## NewLifePlease

It as really great to hear everyone's viewpoints. Samari, your rant made me smile. I could just imagine you writing with your eyes blazing! LOL! I can't say I disagree. 

Enjoliwoman - you summarized and hit the nail SQUARELY on the head. I am doing my best to stay away from being the frumpy woman. When I gain weight, I always feel frumpy and ugly so I go on a diet and wait until I loose certain amount to go shopping and fix myself up. I am starting to take care of myself now and look great as I loose weight.

I think it is important to think positive so I did stop focusing on trying to please my husband and think about myself. I am into audio tapes and listen to motivational tapes. It helps. 

Wolf, I am not into younger men so I think 45 to late 50s is fine with me. When I first met my husband (and I was still thin) I remember getting carded! Can you believe it! I also got carded on my 42 birthday. I was at a hotel bar and ordered a drink. The waitress said, I am sorry but I will have to ask for ID. She MADE my day! But, in the last 3 years I let myself go. I am hoping to regain some of my youth by focusing on myself. New clothes, strict beauty regime, eating healthy... It's been a three weeks and so far so good.


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## HeartbrokenW

All these older guys who say they like going out with, or dating younger women..... better be careful or you'll get them pregnant then you're stuck with another round of baby drama (just when you thought your kid raising days were over!)


Me, I've been divorced not quite 2 yrs and have zero desire right now to even begin looking. My daughter is a teenager and I guess I'd rather she finish her high school years as we are. Its only 4 yrs.. I can wait. Maybe by the time she's off to college, I'll feel different. Right now I can't see complicating her life.


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## Martin12

Here's an article relevant to this discussion:

Huffington Post: Woman over 50 feeling invisible



> As a woman in my 50s, walking down a city street, I feel invisible to almost any man walking past me. I've been that unseen woman over and over again. Friends have echoed this experience to me as well. Single? No one wants to date a midlife woman either. Check the world of Internet dating, where most men, no matter what their age, list themselves as only interested in women up to 44 years old.





> A 58-year old date of mine who had an 8-year old son AND an 8-year old grandson, told me he wanted a woman he could have a child with. So, after me he dated someone who was 39. He said, "I would have picked someone younger, but I promised my 38-year-old daughter I wouldn't date anyone younger than her."


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## Blonde

I never watched SITC but  using that as your bar.

I think you should be more focused on getting your career up and running so that you can take care of yourself without depending on a man.

You aren't divorced yet. Your man picker landed you with this man and needs work through therapy so you can pick better in the future. 

Once your career is on track and your man picker is repaired, a friend at work widowed after a 35 year M found someone who seems very nice on ourtime which is expressly for people over 50.


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## Wolf1974

Fenix said:


> Interesting thought. Now, I will turn it around. I have a WYSIWYG attitude. I have twisted myself around for a man who ultimately didn't deserve it. Now, I will not do that again. What I will find is someone who fits with who I am. This is not static and I am uncompromising on this.
> 
> Thank goodness I am really fun and love adventure!


Sorry what is WYSIWYG?


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## Wolf1974

NewLifePlease said:


> It as really great to hear everyone's viewpoints. Samari, your rant made me smile. I could just imagine you writing with your eyes blazing! LOL! I can't say I disagree.
> 
> Enjoliwoman - you summarized and hit the nail SQUARELY on the head. I am doing my best to stay away from being the frumpy woman. When I gain weight, I always feel frumpy and ugly so I go on a diet and wait until I loose certain amount to go shopping and fix myself up. I am starting to take care of myself now and look great as I loose weight.
> 
> I think it is important to think positive so I did stop focusing on trying to please my husband and think about myself. I am into audio tapes and listen to motivational tapes. It helps.
> 
> Wolf, I am not into younger men so I think 45 to late 50s is fine with me. When I first met my husband (and I was still thin) I remember getting carded! Can you believe it! I also got carded on my 42 birthday. I was at a hotel bar and ordered a drink. The waitress said, I am sorry but I will have to ask for ID. She MADE my day! But, in the last 3 years I let myself go. I am hoping to regain some of my youth by focusing on myself. New clothes, strict beauty regime, eating healthy... It's been a three weeks and so far so good.


That's awesome. Getting carded waved bye bye to me along time ago lol


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## movealong

Wolf1974 said:


> Sorry what is WYSIWYG?


What You See Is What You Get


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## Wolf1974

HeartbrokenW said:


> All these older guys who say they like going out with, or dating younger women..... better be careful or you'll get them pregnant then you're stuck with another round of baby drama (just when you thought your kid raising days were over!)
> 
> 
> Me, I've been divorced not quite 2 yrs and have zero desire right now to even begin looking. My daughter is a teenager and I guess I'd rather she finish her high school years as we are. Its only 4 yrs.. I can wait. Maybe by the time she's off to college, I'll feel different. Right now I can't see complicating her life.


Nope. When I turned single in order of priority

Get my finances secure and away from my x
Change all the locks in case she tried to come back
Make sure my kids had all the clothes and supplies they needed.
Get a vasectomy. One of th best desicisons I ever made especially when a woman was trying to trap me by telling me she was pregnant. It was hard not to laugh during that conversation.....ahh dating


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## Jellybeans

Wolf1974 said:


> Get a vasectomy. One of th best desicisons I ever made *especially when a woman was trying to trap me by telling me she was pregnant. *It was hard not to laugh during that conversation.....ahh dating


Well, there are still teeny tiny chances of actually having a pregnancy happen post-vasectomy. I guess I am more curious as to why you wouldn't share the fact you had a vasectomy with someone you are sleeping with. Or why you would willingly involve yourself and sleep with women who you think would try to "trap" you. Why even sleep with/date them at all if you think that of their character?


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## NewLifePlease

Wolf is just having a good time Jellybeans. I wish I could be a guy for a minute to listen to that I think I'm pregnant conversation! LOL!

I don't think there is anything wrong with not telling someone you sleep with that you have had a vasectomy if the relationship was a short term fling.

The only thing I find a bit scary is having unprotected sex with someone you are not so serious about. You know with aids and all. Before I was married, I did require the guy to have test results for STDs and AIDS and show me the report from the lab. But that is another subject.


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## Wolf1974

Jellybeans said:


> Well, there are still teeny tiny chances of actually having a pregnancy happen post-vasectomy. I guess I am more curious as to why you wouldn't share the fact you had a vasectomy with someone you are sleeping with. Or why you would willingly involve yourself and sleep with women who you think would try to "trap" you. Why even sleep with/date them at all if you think that of their character?


It's a long story but highlights were we started dating and moving forward quickly. I was using condoms because of how quickly things were progressing and didn't know if she was doing this with everyone. So when I purpose that we maybe slow down a touch and be exclusive she claims she was seeing someone else but they weren't sleeping together blah blah blah. Anyway so I took that as she just wasn't serious about me, cleaned up the profile and back on I went.

She calls me one night after a week and I'm returning from a date with another woman. She is livid and tells me she wants to be my GF and that she was just following bad advice from her friend on how to get me more interested to pursue her or some such nonsense. So now I'm starting to get that she is crazy... So big fight because I refuse to see her again or stop going out with this other woman.

Don't hear from her for like a month and then the call comes I might be pregnant and im the dad. Umm. Lol no. She was defintely one of the more colorful dating experiences I had.

Even though I exposed her with this lie she still tried twice more to get me to sleep with her. Once was a drunk booty call almost a year later.


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## Wolf1974

NewLifePlease said:


> Wolf is just having a good time Jellybeans. I wish I could be a guy for a minute to listen to that I think I'm pregnant conversation! LOL!
> 
> I don't think there is anything wrong with not telling someone you sleep with that you have had a vasectomy if the relationship was a short term fling.
> 
> The only thing I find a bit scary is having unprotected sex with someone you are not so serious about. You know with aids and all. Before I was married, I did require the guy to have test results for STDs and AIDS and show me the report from the lab. But that is another subject.



Yep was none of her business to be honest. And I always use condoms unless we are exclusive and in a realtionship. No STD for this fella


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## EnjoliWoman

Wolf1974 said:


> Sorry what is WYSIWYG?


OMG that made me feel old.


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## EnjoliWoman

BTW I had to go to the drug store (closest place) to get index cards for kiddo and was still in workout clothes: ponytail, sneakers, leggings and a T-shirt with a Greek alphabet letter logo on it. Kiddo was driving so as I got into the passenger side a guy hollered out asking if I was in XYZ sorority, that he was in TUV fraternity... I said no, it's a company logo. As I sat down and closed the door my kiddo stared at me and said "Mom! Isn't that flattering? He thought you were in COLLEGE!"


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## Hardtohandle

I need to ask..

You mention your counselor told you to divorce or actually 2 out of 4.. What did those therapist or counselors tell your husband ?

Has he gone with you ? 
Have you expressed these feelings with him ? 
Have you had a serious sit down with him to let him know where this is going ? 

I'm going to be honest.. As they say Women mature quicker than Men.. I have to agree with this, women clearly overlook stuff a most men wouldn't.

So if you are 50 and you are looking to date a 50 year old man, that is possible without a doubt.. But would you be willing to date a 55 year old ? 

Or are you looking to date someone who is 40 ? 

Personally, I am 47 my Ex wife turned 50.. 
My current GF is 40 with 2 kids and makes a bit over 110k a year, which is comparable with what I make.. 

At this point if I leave my GF for some crazy reason or she leaves me I am not going to actively look to meet someone my age or older.. I will look for someone late 30s to early 40s ( 38 to 43 ) with 1 or no kids and with a good job or comparable salary to mine.. Basically someone establish and that can hold their own.. Its not about money, but it is if you get what I am saying and understand.. 

Look I won't cast aside some women that I meet because I end up finding out she is 47 and works in a supermarket.. But I will not be actively looking for this person.. 


But back to your husband..

Nutshell if you never really sat him down and explained what is going on then I don't agree with your thought process on this.. 

If you come back and say HTH I tried everything under the sun and he doesn't budge..*Well then I get what your saying and make your move.. But it is clear to me you have codependency issues. Again I know because I had them as well. Big TIME..

Sometimes you have to fight for your marriage even if its against your spouse..


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## Jellybeans

NewLifePlease said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with not telling someone you sleep with that you have had a vasectomy if the relationship was a short term fling..


Noted - I get it in that case.



Wolf1974 said:


> So when I purpose that we maybe slow down a touch and be exclusive she claims she was seeing someone else but they weren't sleeping together blah blah blah. Anyway so I took that as she just wasn't serious about me, cleaned up the profile and back on I went.
> 
> She calls me one night after a week and I'm returning from a date with another woman. She is livid and tells me she wants to be my GF and that she was just following bad advice from her friend on how to get me more interested to pursue her or some such nonsense. *So now I'm starting to get that she is crazy...*
> 
> Don't hear from her for like a month and then the call comes I might be pregnant and im the dad. Umm. Lol no.


Ok, that is funny. :rofl: 

Yeah and really what did she expect - she wanted to date others but got mad when you did?


----------



## Wolf1974

Jellybeans said:


> Noted - I get it in that case.
> 
> 
> 
> Ok, that is funny. :rofl:
> 
> Yeah and really what did she expect - she wanted to date others but got mad when you did?


According to her she wasn't. She only said that because her friend told her that this builds jealousy and makes a guy want to pursue a woman more. I don't know if that's really happened or she tried with other guy and I was a fall back. In any case that advice didn't work well with me lol


----------



## Chuck71

I have a feeling that girl's best g/f giving advice was a 3-4x divorcee


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## michzz

Stop watching silly tv shows and expecting to glean wisdom from that experience.

Divorce is not about moving onto the next romantic interest.

It's about breaking apart what you once seriously considered to be your life choice in a partnership.

If the love is gone, leave.

Worrying bout your age and dating pool is just, frankly, silly.


I divorced after 32 years once I finally realized how awful being married to an evil person is.

Once I was rid of her, i had women coming out of the woodwork to date me.

I was an overweight 54-year-old.

But my quest for life was attractive and not every women is looking for rippling abs or to be a gold digger.

And now this year I remarried to a wonderful lady.

She's three years younger than me.

I wasn't even looking when I met her.

So, if you can't stand your marriage then end it. 

Move on.


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## NewLifePlease

Hardtohandle,
Husband refused to go to counseling. He doesn't believe in it. I have told him this many times peacefully, threatening, with compassion, pleading. Things would get better for a little bit then get bad, and sometimes really bad.

I generally like older men, so not looking to date someone too young. I would consider an exceptional mid 40's - but prefer someone my age or a little older.

The most important thing to me is to be able to make similar amount of money that I made before I married my husband (and gave up my career 7 years ago). I need to be able to support myself and not be dependent on any guy. When I gave up my job, I unwittingly gave up my power to say "s..w you, if you don't shape up I'm leaving." 

You certainly have every right to choose what you want in a person. So I respect what you say about wanting to be with someone who can hold their own. The chances of me dating a guy who works in a grocery store is slim to none. If he dresses a bit scruffy or a bit overweight no problem - that can be fixed. Women love to do this!

Women at 50 don't care about great abs!! They care that they are established and can be a provider. Men prefer women who are beautiful and they equate being young with being beautiful. (I just read survey on ask men.com that said that about 70% of men feel that women start to loose their looks by 50 years old.) So this idea of men of a certain age wanting younger women seems to be a general fact (with some exceptions).

I guess I just need to stop being fearful. Anyways, since I have been paying so much attention to myself my husband has made another 180 and being mr. perfect husband...I have been on this ride before of being hopeful just to have my hopes dashed when he turns back into the ogre..but it does confuse me because I didn't see it coming. What I know is I am not even at my ideal weight - but I am starting to feel really GREAT.


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## Chuck71

Don't read too much into these surveys. They are done to validate one person's

opinion when they write a 'spun' article. Chances are the author had to

run several "surveys" before s/he received the outcome desired. 

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to 

pause and reflect" Mark Twain


----------



## Ynot

Chuck71 said:


> Don't read too much into these surveys. They are done to validate one person's
> 
> opinion when they write a 'spun' article. Chances are the author had to
> 
> run several "surveys" before s/he received the outcome desired.
> 
> "Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to
> 
> pause and reflect" Mark Twain


Yes, I am sure that the OP could find any number of other surveys stating the exact opposite if she were to look at sites that cater to 50 year old women instead of 30 year old men (or those who want to be)


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## EnjoliWoman

I'm all for couples fixing their marriage where at all possible but it really is a bad sign that he isn't willing to go to counseling. Does he not agree that talking over things helps? And that with someone else present who isn't invested in the conversation, they can prod and ask questions and mediate and keep things from becoming too heated? But then again I tried to get mine to go and he refused saying they would only tell him to control his temper.

Don't worry about studies. There are always outliers. 7 years isn't a long time to be out of a career - hop right back in. Start looking for a job NOW.


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## NewLifePlease

Thanks for the encouragement my friends.


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## SamuraiJack

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm all for couples fixing their marriage where at all possible but it really is a bad sign that he isn't willing to go to counseling. Does he not agree that talking over things helps? And that with someone else present who isn't invested in the conversation, they can prod and ask questions and mediate and keep things from becoming too heated? But then again I tried to get mine to go and he refused saying they would only tell him to control his temper.
> 
> Don't worry about studies. There are always outliers. 7 years isn't a long time to be out of a career - hop right back in. Start looking for a job NOW.


As someone who give sinput on new hires, I always say that I would rather have an enthusiastic person who knows nothing than a "pro" with no ambition.

Stick to it and you will find that people sense this and will hire based on that.
There is always work out there for people who want to work.
You are no exception.


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## Fenix

EnjoliWoman said:


> OMG that made me feel old.


IKR?!


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## Fenix

NewLifePlease said:


> d.
> 
> You certainly have every right to choose what you want in a person. So I respect what you say about wanting to be with someone who can hold their own. The chances of me dating a guy who works in a grocery store is slim to none. If he dresses a bit scruffy or a bit overweight no problem - that can be fixed. Women love to do this!


 Hmmm....men as a project rarely work out. If I was a guy, this would make me hostile.



> Women at 50 don't care about great abs!! They care that they are established and can be a provider. Men prefer women who are beautiful and they equate being young with being beautiful. (I just read survey on ask men.com that said that about 70% of men feel that women start to loose their looks by 50 years old.) So this idea of men of a certain age wanting younger women seems to be a general fact (with some exceptions).


 So many generalizations! Smart women at 50 care about the whole package. I like fit. Fit doesn't have to mean great abs, but he needs to be able to keep up with me. Being a provider doesn't enter into it. I am going to provide for myself,TYVM. However, I want him to be successful and happy at what he does---and success doesn't necessarily mean $$.



> I guess I just need to stop being fearful. Anyways, since I have been paying so much attention to myself my husband has made another 180 and being mr. perfect husband...I have been on this ride before of being hopeful just to have my hopes dashed when he turns back into the ogre..but it does confuse me because I didn't see it coming. What I know is I am not even at my ideal weight - but I am starting to feel really GREAT.


Good. Now go turn off the TV and get a job. Continue doing things for yourself and build a life that allows you freedom to make decisions.


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## dajam

SamuraiJack said:


> As someone who give sinput on new hires, I always say that I would rather have an enthusiastic person who knows nothing than a "pro" with no ambition.
> 
> Stick to it and you will find that people sense this and will hire based on that.
> There is always work out there for people who want to work.
> You are no exception.


I totally agree with this, as my ex was could come across fantastic in an interviews. She changed her career field twice because of exactly this attitude. 

Push forward.


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## NewLifePlease

Dajam 
Curious about your response to SamariJack regarding hiring...why did your wife switch careers - was it because she was looking for a career that she really loved that she was enthusiastic about?

Btw, I got a part time retail job for christmas. I am so excited. Even though the pay is so low, it allows me to put my toes back in the work force and gets me out of the house and around others. 

Feeling at bit down...husband just screamed at me for putting a bowl in the sink without rinsing it out (the dishwasher was full so of course I couldn't put it in) but he feels I need to not only place the dish in the sink but rinse it with water so the food doesn't dry on it (it was a salad!). I responded asking him to lower his voice and it just made him scream louder. It doesn't matter that I am perfect with everything else - if I slip, he uses that against me and tells me he is sick of telling me the same thing over and over. Of course he does the same things that he tells me not to do, but if I mention that he tells me to shut up and if I don't he starts screaming at me. He has said if I don't like it LEAVE. Recently he told me that he could get a court order to get me to leave his house and a court order to stay away from him. His house belongs to him and I checked, he could technically force me to leave by law. 

I felt especially sad because since he stopped drinking and paying attention we started spending more time together, and after being indifferent to him, he started sucking me back in and when I have my heart open - he slams it.

:-((( I don't know why I can't get out of this. sob...


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## dajam

NewLifePlease said:


> Dajam
> Curious about your response to SamariJack regarding hiring...why did your wife switch careers - was it because she was looking for a career that she really loved that she was enthusiastic about?


To be honest, she is smart and when she saw a path that she thought was of interest, she went for it. She is a solid interviewer and very good at what she commits to. Not to mention pretty and a great attitude.. She has been at the same company now for over 10 years.. and is exceeding at her position...


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## NewLifePlease

Dijam - thanks


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## Cynthia

NewLifePlease said:


> Dajam
> Curious about your response to SamariJack regarding hiring...why did your wife switch careers - was it because she was looking for a career that she really loved that she was enthusiastic about?
> 
> Btw, I got a part time retail job for christmas. I am so excited. Even though the pay is so low, it allows me to put my toes back in the work force and gets me out of the house and around others.
> 
> Feeling at bit down...husband just screamed at me for putting a bowl in the sink without rinsing it out (the dishwasher was full so of course I couldn't put it in) but he feels I need to not only place the dish in the sink but rinse it with water so the food doesn't dry on it (it was a salad!). I responded asking him to lower his voice and it just made him scream louder. It doesn't matter that I am perfect with everything else - if I slip, he uses that against me and tells me he is sick of telling me the same thing over and over. Of course he does the same things that he tells me not to do, but if I mention that he tells me to shut up and if I don't he starts screaming at me. He has said if I don't like it LEAVE. Recently he told me that he could get a court order to get me to leave his house and a court order to stay away from him. His house belongs to him and I checked, he could technically force me to leave by law.
> 
> I felt especially sad because since he stopped drinking and paying attention we started spending more time together, and after being indifferent to him, he started sucking me back in and when I have my heart open - he slams it.
> 
> :-((( I don't know why I can't get out of this. sob...


Do you know what the 180 is? It sounds like you were pretty much doing that, but fell back into seeking your husband's approval and he took back power over you that does not belong to him.
My recommendation is to keep looking for work, take a class or two if necessary, and go back to the 180.
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
Form and exit strategy and stick to it until you are able to support yourself.


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## EleGirl

NewLifePlease said:


> And one more thing - I once joined a common interest group just looking to go out and have fun. Most were divorced/going through a divorce. I only went to one meeting. It was very depressing. There were a lot of angry and bitter woman (who had 110% right to be) who used the get together to talk about their husbands and all the terrible things they went through. There was the woman whose husband physically abused her, there was the other woman whose husband had a very good career making over $200K+, but after the divorce he was doing his best to delay and lie so that she would get nothing - even after being married over 20 years. She is struggling financially to take care of herself. But the worst woman was the one who said not much. She was an attractive woman who clearly looked as if she was well to do (at one point). Her husband left her for his secretary. Even though it happened a long time ago, she had an anger you could feel just by being next to her. She was just a shell of a human being. Like a ghost. She reminded me of that movie Ghost with Demi Moore - remember the man in the subway who got pushed onto the tracks. That was who she was. She scared me. Unfortunately, a lot of women get the short end of the stick because they make less because they are taking care of kids and the household, then the husband finds a younger woman and leaves his wife not wanting to give her a dime. That is a lot to make a woman angry...
> 
> And sorry to leave the guys out because from reading this forum I know that the woman give their share of hard time to the husbands.



Yea, you don't want to be one of those women. 

Go to Find your people - Meetup and see if you can find some activities there that you enjoy.. make it mixed company so you meet guys in a healthy environment. This way you can meet them, get to know them.


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## EleGirl

NewLifePlease said:


> Dajam
> Curious about your response to SamariJack regarding hiring...why did your wife switch careers - was it because she was looking for a career that she really loved that she was enthusiastic about?
> 
> Btw, I got a part time retail job for christmas. I am so excited. Even though the pay is so low, it allows me to put my toes back in the work force and gets me out of the house and around others.
> 
> Feeling at bit down...husband just screamed at me for putting a bowl in the sink without rinsing it out (the dishwasher was full so of course I couldn't put it in) but he feels I need to not only place the dish in the sink but rinse it with water so the food doesn't dry on it (it was a salad!). I responded asking him to lower his voice and it just made him scream louder. It doesn't matter that I am perfect with everything else - if I slip, he uses that against me and tells me he is sick of telling me the same thing over and over. Of course he does the same things that he tells me not to do, but if I mention that he tells me to shut up and if I don't he starts screaming at me. He has said if I don't like it LEAVE. Recently he told me that he could get a court order to get me to leave his house and a court order to stay away from him. His house belongs to him and I checked, he could technically force me to leave by law.
> 
> I felt especially sad because since he stopped drinking and paying attention we started spending more time together, and after being indifferent to him, he started sucking me back in and when I have my heart open - he slams it.
> 
> :-((( I don't know why I can't get out of this. sob...


Do you live in the USA? Where did you find something that says he could get a court order to kick you out of the house? 

It's your legal residence. Most courts would not give an order to kick a wife out of the marital home.


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## EleGirl

NewLifePlease,

I'm 65. When I was 50 I married a 46 year old guy. There was no shortage of guy from about age 35 up to date.

Take care of yourself, look good, be active and you will find someone. Just be careful to have some boundaries so that you don't end up in the same situation again.


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## Mr.Fisty

My mother turned 50 this year, and she is remarried after my father passed away. After my father, she found another guy, but he used her, and then she left him, and she is now happily married again. She smiles and seems content with him, so it can happen. It took her 10 years before she got married again.


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## NewLifePlease

Sorry I have not written in a while - had some computer trouble and had to put it in the shop. After reading about husbands who are able to track their spouses websites - it was also getting me kind of nervous...but, being here and connecting with you guys is such a huge help to me when I feel alone. It does help to read about the experience of others and other's perspectives.

Cynthia - I did read the 180 and yes, it does make sense. I think that is basically what I hear alanon is about - detaching. 

I just came back from a trip with my husband. I went to the city where I use to live 8 years ago. He was going back on business so I had all the time to be by myself and enjoy the city. After 3 days with him, I came home I broke down and went straight to a nearby restaurant and ordered a molten lava cake and large ice cream.

This is how the trip went....We arrived at 9am and he had to go straight to his conference. While he was gone I checked us in (have to wait several hours) and I unpacked all his clothes including suits and toiletries unpacked. When he came back his feet were aching and he asked me to massage his feet which I did. He never thanked me and then became easily irritated if something was not going his way - like for example we couldn't find a restaurant without a waiting. So he started getting miserable and did not want to hear my suggestions.

So when he came back from a day at work he wanted to tell me all about how his day went which was mostly positive. I was happy for him. After listening all abut his day, I wanted to tell him how I felt about being in the city again, he started making fun of what I started to say and then admitted he was not really interested.

I think I was doing a good job of taking care of myself. Trying to eat right and exercise. My skin and hair have been looking the best it has been looking in years, but what does he do -- comment about how he thinks my stomach is looking bigger and when I stopped getting dressed to fix his disheveled sweater, he made a negative comment on my half buttoned sweater and said I needed to take better care of myself...I asked him if he noticed my skin looking so much better and he rolled his eyes. (The next day he did admit that yes, my skin did look a lot better). 

The last day we had to move to a different hotel. So I checked out the first hotel and left the bags at that hotel while I was out shopping at nearby stores. It so happened that right around 4pm check in time, I found myself two blocks from the hotel we were staying in so I walked over and checked in and was excited I was able to get an upgrade to this large room which was really like a small 1 bedroom apartment. There were a couple things that needed fixing so I asked for someone to come up and fix them. I told the guy who came up that I just wanted things to look perfect for when my husband came in. It turns out that my husband showed up just then in the room. He got off 2 hours early. he loved the room but when he found out that the luggage was still at the other hotel he got very angry at me. He said he was starving and wanted his coat to walk to a restaurant but it which was with the luggage. I told him I would just take a taxi to get it (the other hotel was like 5 blocks away). He said fine and went to find somewhere nearby to get a quick bite to eat. He did send me a text apologizing for his behavior...but I was still deflated.

That night we went out to dinner. I made sure this time to ask about a good restaurant that was a block away. It was a quick dinner because there is not much to talk about. When i got back I wanted to watch the tail end of a movie I started to watch before we left. But my husband said he was ready for bed and not interested in that movie. I said it was almost finished and begged him to let me watch the end. He took the remote and started channel surfing. He does this ALL the time at home which annoys me. When he comes home, if in the middle of watching a movie he will walk into the room and change the channel to what he wants - even if I protest. He just tells me to go to a different room. (The family room has the big tv which he prefers to watch but I like to watch it too and sometimes I am laying on the couch very cozy and don't want to get up but I end up having to.) 

He topped things off with a nice put down on the way home and I was pretty much cooked which is why I broke my diet and had the chocolate cake. This morning he came in asking why I was so moody. I told him I feel bad that he puts me down all the time. He got pissed off and left the room muttering that he is "sick of my attitude."

I woke up this morning with a serious case of anxiety - I wanted to run away. This environment is killing me.

Mr. Feisy and Elegirl - Thanks for your encouragement! 

Elegirl - I do live in the US and in fact, because I don't own the house because it was bought before we married, yes, it is within his legal right to make me leave. You can also find this if you google it. And I know someone who was in this situation and they had to leave.


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## SamuraiJack

Okay 
I have heard enough.
At first I thought you might be one of those people who thinks it should be all love and roses and was depending on the other person for their happiness.
I am now convinced you husband is a &$%&^^% Ass.

Mind you, I can only see this from what you provide, but he sounds like a total millstone around your neck.

Give him the ultimatum that he either starts marriage counseling or you are done. 
He doesnt want to go? File for Divorce.

Sorry, sometimes people really are just plain old miserable.

As a side note, he sounds clinically depressed to me.


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## Cynthia

How is your seasonal job going?
Have you been looking for work to be able to support yourself?
Are you able to put money away, so you will be able to take care of yourself if your husband throws you out?
Don't beat yourself up over a binge on chocolate cake. One binge is not the end of the world. Get back on track with healthy eating and you'll feel better quickly. How is the exercising going?


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## NewLifePlease

Thanks Samauri for your support. Even though you don't know his side, I can tell you that his behavior is typical for someone who is alcoholic. Alcoholics are typically very emotionally abusive. I can tell you what he complains about - that I don't pick up after myself, leave dishes in the sink, I don't close the screen door every time I open the sliding door, the laundry piles up sometimes, and he can't come and go as he pleases (which is of douse a lie because he comes and goes as I please and have never not gone out because I asked him not to). 

The truth is, everything he complains to me about he is guilty of doing. for example he can leave personal items on the kitchen table for days, but if I do for a day he complains that I don't pick up after myself. I really resent the double standard. He nags me every day and if I try to open my mouth to say anything he will just blow up. Here is an example of one of our arguments which is typical - Him: He comes home and finds dishes in the sink. "What the Y*&% are dishes doing in the sink?? You are such a F**king PIG! I am tired of living like this! Come and wash these dishes NOW!!" ME: "I will do it on a commercial break, I'm watching something." HIM: WHAT! You're not doing it NOW?!! The screaming escalates and he starts throwing pots, food and any item he can get his hands on including my computer keyboard which got completely smashed up (and left on the kitchen floor for me to find it the next morning). When he gets like that I get up and quickly leave the room. It's very frightening sometimes and I have never been in this type of abusive environment including growing up. Sometimes I ask God why did he put me here with him. It's really hard sometimes to feel good about myself because my self esteem has taken such a beating. He constantly says I cause him to get angry like this and he never had to "do argue like this" when he was single. 

CynthiaDe - I don't think he would kick me out even though he threatened it once, but I don't plan to stick around forever to find out. The seasonal job is great because it gets me out of the house, but all the money is going towards household bills. My big challenge is trying to find a job that I can support myself. it's not the savings I am worried about - the savings will run out quick if I have no way to support myself.


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## Cynthia

I assume you were working before you married him. Why did you quit? How did you support yourself before? Since you haven't been working, why is your paycheck going to pay general bills?
Savings are a cushion in case you have to leave suddenly. You would need to get a full-time job that you can support yourself with.
His behavior is unacceptable. Getting angry and throwing things is how a three year old responds to stress, not how a grow man should behave. There is no excuse for his behavior. It doesn't matter that he leaves his stuff on the table and then blames you for being messy when you do the same. Even if he didn't leave his stuff lying around, it's still ridiculous for him to respond that way to something he considers an infraction.


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## WayUpNorth

SamuraiJack said:


> Sorry you are in this situation.
> As a man nearly 50 I can tell you that men my age are feeling the end result of years and years of being minimized, underappreciated and taken for granted.
> Now that many of them are going "off the leash", they are free to pick from any pool they choose. Many of my friends have chosen younger.
> I can tell you from conversations I have had with them, that many of them feel that younger women are easier to relate to in terms of emotional parity, potential baggage and SEEM to be easier to relate to.
> Many of the men I have spoken to generalize that once a woman is past a certain age they "stand less of a chance of being able to form a lasting relationship".
> 
> As to choosing younger women. We do because we can.
> 
> My own personal experience was that the women I met who were my age were difficult and sour tempered. Often they couched their husbands in the worst terms in an attempt to rationalize their divorces.
> 
> I do know that I "ended up" with a woman who was 9 years my junior.
> 
> If you are about to enter the dating pool...please be healed and not bitter about all men.
> 
> I don't mean to discourage you...but things don't get better the older you get.


I think I could have wrote that. I have dated women younger than myself since the divorce 12 years ago. I agree about the older ones being jaded.


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## NewLifePlease

CynthiaDe
When I met my husband, I was actually making an excellent salary and in better financial situation than he was. I owned my own home, a great one, able to take great vacations, etc. After we got married I ended up moving to his small town in the bushes. The nearest company is an almost 2 hour drive one way to work which would become a real problem in the winter. Decided to take time off a few months and figure out what I wanted to do. That turned into years--a move I regret because now I lost my career skills. He said I didn't have to work and he wanted to take care of me. But in the last couple of years when his job suffered (because of his drinking) and he stopped making so much, and he began devaluing me as a wife -- he started insisting I contribute to help pay the bills. When he stopped pissing money away at the bar every night, I didn't mind and I wanted to get out of the house anyway. We were dipping into our savings every month to make ends meet. Now we are trying really hard to conserve money. I think that is a positive thing. Long term I need to go beyond this seasonal job and make real money that I can live on. If I could make what I made before I got married I would be happy.


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## dajam

Sounds like, at least to me, that your focus in on the hassles and stress.. I know it may be a tall order however, if you realign your pent up frustrations and worries as energy to move forward and just focus, you can make this change. I did it after 29 years. 

It took a great deal of my energy to have the "I can not live the rest of my life this way" talk. We were best of friends, but we were roommates, not lovers, we acted like brother and sister, not romantic, very close but a million miles apart. 

We lost how to motivate and push each other forward in a positive manner. We lost the will to be "good" for each other.

I hated those discussions and feelings, it was extremely difficult, as we had everything going for us. 

Beautiful house, cars, pets, new furniture, walking distance to the ocean, could do what ever we wanted, two incomes no kids... Sweet deal for the most part... However it was empty, hollow and downright depressing when I look back at it. 

It was a very difficult decision, and I used to wonder what being on my own would be like. Well it sucked at first, now I am good with living alone, I am focusing on myself, getting my crap together, achieving an all around better life.


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## Fenix

SamuraiJack said:


> Okay
> I have heard enough.
> At first I thought you might be one of those people who thinks it should be all love and roses and was depending on the other person for their happiness.
> I am now convinced you husband is a &$%&^^% Ass.
> 
> Mind you, I can only see this from what you provide, but he sounds like a total millstone around your neck.
> 
> Give him the ultimatum that he either starts marriage counseling or you are done.
> He doesnt want to go? File for Divorce.
> 
> Sorry, sometimes people really are just plain old miserable.
> 
> As a side note, he sounds clinically depressed to me.


Or a narcissist. I recognize some of those behaviors. I also am intimate with the damage they do to your psyche.


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## NewLifePlease

Thanks Dajam,
I was actually focusing until I went on the trip and spent 3 days with him. Funny since I started focusing on myself and ignoring him, he did back off. Its just that I slipped and I am off track. If I didn't have work I would have gone to my mother or sister for a couple days for "realignment" - it always makes me feel good when I leave. Once I left for 3 weeks (originally it was a one week vacation but it turned into 3 weeks because I was staying with my mom in a rental). I FELT LIKE A WHOLE NEW PERSON! Full of life and excited about life and the future and feeling beautiful--even though I weighed the same as I do now. I cried the night before when I had to leave. When I got back it wasn't long before my husband started the yelling and intimidation and I went back into the shell of feeling hopeless and unattractive.


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## NewLifePlease

OMG, I just re-read my last post and had a lightning bulb moment.


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## Cynthia

NewLifePlease said:


> OMG, I just re-read my last post and had a lightning bulb moment.


Good. That's exactly what you need.
You do not have to stay in your current situation. There are many options to get into a better situation.


----------

