# Living together but apart



## Hotwaterbottle1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. I really need some advice. My marriage has been on the rocks for years, last year was hard and an incident in October killed things for me forever. We stopped sleeping together a year ago and I finally got him to move out the bedroom into his own a couple of months ago. He has been burying his head in the sand for months refusing to accept even though it really was over last year. I told my parents last month and finally it sunk in and he told his parents and we told our kids. 

However, financially we are stuck in the same house for about another year. 

He does not want to separate so everytime O bring something up I feel like I'm kicking him when he is down. 

I've tried bringing it up but I only want to co-parent together, however even though he has a sofa & TV in his room he has been coming sitting on the sofa with me. I sit there cringeing and end up just going to bed. He still seems to think I need to tell him where I'm going, with who, what I've eaten, when I will be home. I feel suffocated. I tried to introduce we write on the calender if we have a plan, so first come (if the other wants to go out too can get a sitter) but he keeps forgetting. I want to live my own life. 

I also want to join a chat site, just for chat right now. I'm lonely & have been for years. He has shown me no emotion or intimacy for a long long time. I just want to chat. 

Anyone got any thoughts or advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Hotwaterbottle1 said:


> Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. I really need some advice. My marriage has been on the rocks for years, last year was hard and an incident in October killed things for me forever. We stopped sleeping together a year ago and I finally got him to move out the bedroom into his own a couple of months ago. He has been burying his head in the sand for months refusing to accept even though it really was over last year. I told my parents last month and finally it sunk in and he told his parents and we told our kids.
> 
> However, financially we are stuck in the same house for about another year.
> 
> ...


I could really use a lot more detail. How many years were you married? You had kids together so at one time you loved each other and were intimate. What changed? What happened in October?

You're not giving me a lot to go on.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

my take is you are not being realistic if you think you can share a household and live separate lives.

if you are looking to pursue other men while still living together, you are going to have major drama

since you have children, you should put it on hold until you are actually living separately


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Hotwaterbottle1 said:


> Hi, I'm brand new to this forum. I really need some advice. My marriage has been on the rocks for years, last year was hard and an incident in October killed things for me forever. We stopped sleeping together a year ago and I finally got him to move out the bedroom into his own a couple of months ago. He has been burying his head in the sand for months refusing to accept even though it really was over last year. I told my parents last month and finally it sunk in and he told his parents and we told our kids.
> 
> However, financially we are stuck in the same house for about another year.
> 
> ...


If you don't mind my asking, what was the incident in October?


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## Hotwaterbottle1 (Aug 15, 2016)

Sorry for not posting enough. We have been married for 20 years. Children are 15 & 12. 

Issues range from him basically not speaking to me, not supporting me in household affairs, every single thing has been left to me, he never instigated in the bedroom, never showed me any affection. This built up & up until I felt so low in myself I crumbled. In October I had an operation & complications arose when I got home. He left me alone in agony on the sofa waiting for hours for transport to hospital. Never text whilst there and when I got back I couldn't manage stairs to bed so had to sleep on sofa, he did not come down to see how I was. 

I only want to chat online, that's all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

So what is keeping you from filing for divorce?


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## Hotwaterbottle1 (Aug 15, 2016)

He will not move out or accept its over and we can't sell the house right now as needs some work done to finish home improvements to get a certificate of completion
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Chat online? In what type of forum? You need to get this relationship resolved before you start Persuing any other type of relationship.
If you are lonely try getting into some hobbles. Chatting online will only succeed in isolating you further. You need to get out there. 
I think your h probably thinks there is still a chance if you are living together. Co parenting in the same house might not work and you might need to look at alternatives. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Hotwaterbottle1 said:


> He will not move out or accept its over and we can't sell the house right now as needs some work done to finish home improvements to get a certificate of completion
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That tells me why you can't sell the house, not why you can't file for divorce. 

Can you go live with your parents until the house is sold?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

KillerClown said:


> I could really use a lot more detail. How many years were you married? You had kids together so at one time you loved each other and were intimate. What changed? What happened in October?
> 
> You're not giving me a lot to go on.


What brought them to this point really isn't relevant, they need to figure out how to deal with the arrangement. 
@Hotwaterbottle1, just because you need to finish the house doesn't mean that he cant go live someplace else. Parents, cousins, friends...SOMETHING. Trying to live together while ending a marriage will only suck your soul. You need to speak up and set boundaries for this to work at all. He cannot come and sit with you and watch tv, and hang out, or whatever. Clearly he has no boundaries so it is up to YOU to make it happen. Don't worry about hurting his feelings or anything any more, it no longer matters now that the marriage is ending. That phase is DONE.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hotwaterbottle1 said:


> I also want to join a chat site, just for chat right now. I'm lonely & have been for years. He has shown me no emotion or intimacy for a long long time. I just want to chat.
> 
> Anyone got any thoughts or advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry for you situation. One of you two needs to move out. 

Why? Chats gain a "e" and become cheats. 

One or both of you may date...one or both of you would not care. 

*You* alone are that "*one*"..._he_ cannot do _both_.

If you are not living together and you date and become intimate with another Bloke...husbands nose will not be available for the painful "rub", that surely would be forthcoming.

Divorce before dating. 

YOU need IN-timacy. Be OUT before the IN comes within.... you.


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