# 27 year marriage ending...heart broken...



## Sadblueeyes (May 1, 2015)

Celebrated 27 years of marriage December 2014. 

I had an affair 6 years ago that ended horribly, husband discovered, went to counseling for only 5 months and marriage was stressed, strained and never the same. 

Rewind to 3 years into our marriage---he had a one night stand. He confessed that 22 years later. He also confessed to having 2 one night stands while he was out of the country on business in an 8 page handwritten letter to me. 

While IN counseling, he took a girl he worked with who is 22 years younger than him and single out to lunch several times (I discovered this by looking at our bank statements) and shared ALL our marital woes with her. I confronted him and called her and asked her to never accept another invitation and to stay out of our marriage. Six years later and they STILL communicate---he told our kids she was "safe" and they're "just friends".

Months later, he was planning his 30 year high school reunion and was poking around on Facebook and friend requested some girl he had never met but thought was in his class. I saw a text preview from her while we were driving and asked who she was---he turned white and I could see his heart pounding out of his chest. I saw ALL of their FB chats and they went from getting to know each other, to him pouring his entire heart out to her and sharing EVERY detail about our marriage with her---he even shared a blog I wrote with all my private thoughts that I let him read and they discussed it in secret....to flirting and winky faces and saying "good night" and telling her she was "beautiful, just like my wife". Such an invasion to our marriage. Facebook chats went to emails, then texts and calls. He said they were "just friends". My gut told me otherwise.

Four years go by and my xap apologized. We talked for months. He is going through a divorce. 

March 3rd--husband was interviewing for a job out of state, sending me pictures of the sunset and telling me he loved me.

March 4th His soon-to-be-ex-wife sent my husband a dozen texts claiming I was on the phone with her soon-to-be-ex-husband till 1am. I never had a chance to defend myself. My husband believed her. Our phone records prove we weren't. 

March 5th Husband called her and slept in our guest room.

March 20th---I was out of town visiting our new grandson. Without a word to me, he leased a townhouse. 

March 24th---After a 4.2 HOUR long conversation, he called a florist and had flowers delivered to her home.

March 25th--He traveled to see our grandson and spent more time "walking" and visiting a friend that lived near our son. Much of the time he was texting or calling her. My kids and I watched how erratic his behavior was and it scared us. I opened his laptop while he was out and saw all the phone records, saw the rental agreement, saw a sensual picture of her with her boobs hanging out saved to his desktop. This is a woman who was arrested a year ago for domestic violence and resisting arrest. 

March 29th--We talked and I got confirmation from him that he was spending time at her home and about giving her the flowers. 

March 30th--He moved out and I haven't had a civil conversation with him since.

He started sending threatening texts to me. He turned my cell phone off. He had all of our financial retirement paperwork being sent to his work address. He changed the passwords to every account we have together. He came over when I wasn't home and took pots and pans and other kitchen items, pillows, etc. 

We met one time to talk and his behavior literally scared me. A man who never swore at me in 27 years was looking at me and saying "I can GO where I f*cking want...I can BE with who I f*cking want...I can DO what I f*cking want". He told me that he was only going to give me $400 for the month for my daughter and I to live on and I was terrified so I consulted with a lawyer. I brought every document and bill and tax record I could get my hands on. I told him I met with an attorney and it infuriated him---enough to scream and yell with his veins popping out saying "If you f*cking drown me financially, all four of our f*cking kids will f*cking hate you"!!!!!! 

Then the claims of me "stealing" his laptop or destroying it started and I filed. He was served April 8th at work. First court date he didn't retain counsel, but he walked up to my attorney and waved the petition at him and said "Everything in this is a f*cking lie" and then told him that "we're doing this MY way, NOT yours." My attorney told me that he thinks there's something psychologically wrong with my husband.

He sent our 3 oldest kids a "Fact" email---listing off ALL of MY sins and excusing the things he thought I told them about him. He minimized what he has done and maximized what I had done, devalued and demonized me to our kids. My oldest hasn't spoken to me in months. All of my kids are spinning in disbelief. We kept our marital problems to ourselves and didn't involve them. He's lied to our kids about my xap's wife and him being "just friends"---just "friends" don't send sensual pictures or spend 23 HOURS and 45 minutes on the phone in a month...or get a secret cell phone so I can't keep track of their communication...or send them flowers...or spend the night at her place when her 20 year old daughter is out of town.

Four days after being handed divorce papers he went and bought a brand new Camaro (his car payment went up $150/month). He cancelled every credit card I had access to, he drained our joint checking account to $0.00 and had all of our mail rerouted to his new townhouse. When I went to my doctor to get anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds I went to pay for them and he drained our Health Savings Account card down to $.82 cents. He's even accused me of keying his car and of calling his landlord 30 times!!! I feel like I'm going insane and have NO idea who he is anymore!!!

I haven't worked for 26 years. I got my first part time job last year. Our kids are 26, 23, 19 and 15. He makes well over six figures. 

Now, I got his counter petition and he's asking for custody of our youngest, claiming I'm an "unfit" mother--yet 2 weeks before he actually said I "have always been an excellent mother". She doesn't want to live with him. He wants ME to pay HIM child support. I make about $8,000/year right now. He wants ME to pay ALL of our family debt. He wants ME to pay ALL of HIS attorney's fees and he wants me to sign an agreement that I will never get spousal support. He's already asked a real estate agent (one who is trying to set him up with a girl in her office already) to draw up a sales contract to short sale our house and we're only 6 weeks into our divorce--all behind my back. He wants me to have NOTHING and be homeless.

I've never done this before...got married way too young, trusted him with EVERYTHING financial and I'm seeing that we have an extra $1,800 every month after ALL the bills are paid and I have NO idea where it's been going. He asked me to "dump the attorney's cause they're dumb f*cks that will just take $10,000 from each of us" and wanted mediation. He asked this on the day he got the Financial Document papers and Interrogatories. 

He's a monster. 

I am terrified and lost and can't sleep or eat. So, I'm here. What can I do?? My attorney says everything has an electronic fingerprint so he wants me to trust him with everything financial and that has to do with the law. 

It feels like my limbs have been cut off. Being in a home alone, sleeping by myself, feeling complete anxiety if I get an email from him (for my sanity, I had to block him from texting or calling me---I was about to have a nervous breakdown from the sound of his ring and text tones). 

Has anyone else been married this long and been left completely high and dry?? My husband is IN an affair---and it's sick and like a weird Lifetime movie that it's with my xap's soon-to-be-ex wife!!!!!!!!!!! Such revenge and what a pathetic way to have a "relationship"--one that's based on hating each others spouses and secrecy. 

How do I handle my children and the horrific things he's said about me to them?? How can he justify spreading rumors about me and gossiping about me?? He's played the victim and blamed everything on me. 

I'm struggling mentally. Help.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Sounds like some tough times for you. Sorry you are going through this.

Your story is so complicated, I don't think we know what to make of it. You have both had your share of continued physical and emotional affairs--even the one that was revealed in March-- and it seems like there is just too much baggage piled up to overcome it. 

You will still be mom to your kids, just communicate with them, but don't try to pull them into the fight even if they seem like they are already in your husbands "corner". Your relationship with them has to go forward on its own for it to be at all positive.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Get a good lawyer--NOT mediation. With a marriage that long and your age and lack of work history, you should be able to be awarded lifetime spousal maintenance.

I don't have much other advice, sorry. You can't unring a bell re: your choices, so just try to move forward asap. Good luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

My marriage ended after 28 years, 36yr relationship. He had a list of mental problems, and I confirmed he was a serial cheater. Since the D, he became a deadbeat dad who sees his kids maybe once a year (and that's so he can get a Christmas present from them). Pathetic. 

I can tell you this life I have now is not at all the one I thought I was going to have. The financial security we were building was shot right in the tush, now its paycheck to paycheck. I had to get a garnishment action for child-support, after I had a friend do some snooping to find out where he was working. His behavior is irrational at times. Luckily, he never tried to fight me on custody. On the good side: the emotional abuse is gone. I don't walk around my home on eggshells. My kids don't run off to cry in their closets, they are literally thriving. We are at peace.

Get an attorney and a restraining order against your STBX. Ask for temporary support and custody of the kids. Request a GAL for the minor child and let him know about the kind of communication the kids have received from dad. That is damaging to them and shows vengefulness on his part, not good parenting. (And I say that being an advocate for disclosing infidelity to kids in a divorce) Keep a journal of all you do for your minor child. All the meals you prepare, the laundry, anything with school, any sports, and how many nights he stays with you v. nights with dad. At 15 a court will listen to the child about a preference for custody.

I'm sorry you're here.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'm sorry about your situation and you have my sympathy. 

From the small snapshot you've provided I would say both of you could really use some help in your boundaries and relationship skills.

I don't think either of you have a good chance in obtaining a successful relationship with anyone until you work through these issues you've portrayed. That does not mean that you should necessarily work them out with each other, but rather independently before you try fixing or starting a relationship. Once you begin to get control of yourselves you can get into marriage counseling. 

I'm sorry to say it but I think your marriage is toast, and maybe it's for the better. You both seem toxic to each other, have multiple cheating episodes, and I sense you both are locked in a cycle of marital failure. Some times you just have to break the cycle and in this case it looks like divorce is a beginning. 

The only other viable option is if you both mutually commit to absolute honesty and shoulder your respective baggage and deal with your issues with a counselor. And that's just the beginning. There's a lot more and without full commitment on each of your parts the marriage is doomed. 

Good luck on whatever you decide.


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