# Reasons given for cheating?



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The reason I got was pretty straight.
Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."

What reason did you get or give?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

"I wanted to spend time with somebody who liked me."


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well at least that's honest. "But why did you want to?" comes to mind as a response. My WW got her reasons from the WW Book of Cliches. "We feel like roommates", "I didn't believe you loved me anymore." "I didn't think you'd even care." (Really?:scratchhead and add to that:"you've hurt me so much I just wanted to get back at you". Which doesn't make any sense if I don't care:scratchhead: But after months of talking about it, it finally boiled down to she didn't think I found her attractive anymore, she carried a lot of old resentment and the OM paid attention to her and complimented her (he was 15 years younger) and she fell for it.


----------



## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

The original "I don't know". He was just brilliant...that was all he could say.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I didn't think I would ever get caught, that was what my ex said to me, not me to him.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

"I didn't think you wanted me anymore"

She knew better. It was just how she tried to excuse what she was doing. The truth was she was getting off on the attention of another man and let it get out of control.


----------



## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The real reason anyone ever cheats. Be glad you got the truth.


----------



## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

My DH cheated (when we were dating) because "I thought you were going to dump me. You didn't give me any attention or act like you even liked me."


----------



## Misfortune (Jun 27, 2013)

I got "it was an accident". How long do "accidents" go on for before being considered intentional?


----------



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

"Because you hurt me."
"Because she hasn't hurt me."
"Because she's dying and doesn't have time to not appreciate me the way you don't appreciate me."


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I got the...well you were not being a good wife to me...so I had no choice but to respond when someone came on to me.

Sadly I bought it but now my attitude is **** that...I did nothing to warrant what he did.

I feel sad for myself thinking about how much blame I took on myself....even telling him no I will go to counselling so I can learn how to become a better person for you. Now I think I was in that same marriage too and believe me I did not always feel appreciated or loved..yet I not once thought of going out and cheating.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

"I thought we were over"
and
"I loved him".

She has finally accepted and is maybe beginning to understand that she cheated because she wanted to and also because she thought I would be there as a back up plan if things didn't work out.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Mine said she cheated because I didn't make enough for her to have nice things.

She also said she would replace me with a better man who could provide the life style she wanted. This part hasn't worked out quite yet.


----------



## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

My wife told me this on DD:

"Because I felt like I was lost in my own life. I had nothing that was just about me or just for me. I spent all my time playing the role of the hard-working employee, the caring mother and the loving wife. I felt like I had lost my sense of self in all of it. I had nothing that was just about me as an individual. I felt I had lost myself."

Essentially, her answer came down to "because I was selfish."

My response?

"Well congratulations. I am happy to afford you that opportunity. You can now spend the rest of your life exclusively focused on you as an individual - doing only what makes you happiest without having to think about anyone else. Let me and the kids know how that feels in a few years."

And I meant every word of it. I was done and planning to walk. I think that was when the light bulb finally went off for her.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Him- "I didn't think you loved me anymore"

Me - I DON'T !!!


----------



## Welsh TXN (Feb 4, 2012)

Never got a reason even when i confronted with evidence ? 
She denied and always will good catholic girl lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> Well at least that's honest. "But why did you want to?" comes to mind as a response. My WW got her reasons from the WW Book of Cliches. "We feel like roommates", "I didn't believe you loved me anymore." "I didn't think you'd even care." (Really?:scratchhead and add to that:"you've hurt me so much I just wanted to get back at you". Which doesn't make any sense if I don't care:scratchhead: But after months of talking about it, it finally boiled down to she didn't think I found her attractive anymore, she carried a lot of old resentment and the OM paid attention to her and complimented her (he was 15 years younger) and she fell for it.


Cheese n' crackers! They do follow a script, don't they?! The roommates is the one that I heard the most. I thought roommates shared the bills?


----------



## jlc29316 (Feb 28, 2013)

Or this classic during the affair, "He showed me the love you weren't. It's gonna be hard as hell to let him go". And then when the talks of divorce got serious it was, "We can work it out. I'll dump him."


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

First time "I was lonely"
Second: same thing plus "I didn't 'like' you but I still loved you as my wife" ('we both agreed we were not going to leave our spouses')

Last time: "I didn't mean to..I was curious as to how she was doing, one thing led to another...." etc etc etc (same OW as 2nd time)


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

HarryDoyle said:


> Well at least that's honest. "But why did you want to?" comes to mind as a response. My WW got her reasons from the WW Book of Cliches. "We feel like roommates", "I didn't believe you loved me anymore." "I didn't think you'd even care." (Really?:scratchhead and add to that:"you've hurt me so much I just wanted to get back at you". Which doesn't make any sense if I don't care:scratchhead: But after months of talking about it, it finally boiled down to she didn't think I found her attractive anymore, she carried a lot of old resentment and the OM paid attention to her and complimented her (he was 15 years younger) and she fell for it.


Some of the words I got were: "I love you, but this is something I have to do for me. It really isn't about us, you and me, but I feel I have unfinished business with xxxx."


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mineforever said:


> The original "I don't know". He was just brilliant...that was all he could say.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I told me wife when I had my stupidarse revenge affair.

And I didn't know, then. Only a great deal of introspection and finding TAM helped me realise why I cheated with an EA.

The reason? Rugsweeping isn't smart. It's what we did about my wife's affair.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

"I just kept on going with the patterns I had before we got together."

Hell, maybe I should've, too.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Betrayedred said:


> "Because she's dying and *doesn't have time to not appreciate me the way you don't appreciate me*."


OMG that one takes the cake, AND eats it!! Sheesh! :lol:


----------



## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

I was young & dumb, but you weren't to young to give me a promise ring..........


----------



## Betrayedred (Jun 16, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> OMG that one takes the cake, AND eats it!! Sheesh! :lol:


You like that one? I refrained from throwing a punch at that one. 

The OW is 21, with a 2 year old, and on the first time WH tried to "break up" with her, she let him know that she has acute renal failure and has had it for 3 years. She does dialysis once a week, every Tuesday. 

"She's so strong and independent. She does it all by herself, taking care of her kid, the dialysis, everything. Why does she have renal failure? I don't know. How did she make it through her pregnancy with renal failure? Um, I don't know. Where is her fistula (an entry way for those with consistent dialysis)? I don't know. Why isn't she in chronic renal failure if it's been three years? I don't know. But I know she's dying and she appreciates me and doesn't take me for granted!"


----------



## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

I told him it was because he didn't give me any attention and sex, I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that 

A standard response I suppose


----------



## SweetAltina (May 30, 2013)

Him: "you'd ceased being a challenge. I wanted that feeling you get when you met someone new."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

"It. Just. Happened."


Vega


----------



## ScorchedEarth (Mar 5, 2013)

**I didn't think you loved me or wanted me anymore (and it was true. After years of lies, porn, strippers, alcoholism and NO real effort to change, I got tired of his sh!t and shut down).

**I was addicted to the rush of getting these women to do what I wanted.

**I was abused when I was younger.

**I just wanted to see naked women (of going to strip clubs. Apparently seeing ME naked everyday wasn't enough. And I have gone to the facebook page of the strip club he went to and seen the strippers they have. What a f**king insult to me. Meth mouth, no breasts, and "muffin tops" spilling over their thongs. Even after a baby, I'm rockin' 115lbs, DD's and size 3 jeans).

Ugh, it's so pathetic when I stop and think about it.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

"I was bored" and "you were not paying enough attention to me"


----------



## FLGator (Mar 26, 2013)

"I thought we were over" , " I felt you didn't care anymore about out relationship" and " I was lost"

Total bull****. She made excuses and rewrote years that had no relation to how it really was.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

you made me mad because you got a puppy


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

workindad said:


> Mine said she cheated because I didn't make enough for her to have nice things.
> 
> She also said she would replace me with a better man who could provide the life style she wanted. This part hasn't worked out quite yet.


That was exactly what mine said.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

I got the "I didn't think you loved me anymore" one early on..

Now she'll just tell me that she knew what she was doing, and feels so stupid and used.. and all reasons lead to her bad decisions, no more of the 'you made me cheat' stuff.. that lasted a few days.

It's funny how they have stuff ready to go, as if they've practiced what to say if they get caught. It takes about two seconds to shoot each one down.

"You were controlling" - Obviously not controlling enough.

"You never wanted to spend time with me" - Because when you said 'I'm going to walmart to buy socks, want to come?' I said no? did the OM go to walmart with you?.. If you wanted me to take you out to a motel and get freaky, I'd have dropped what I was doing and be right there, you never asked.'

"You never talked to me anymore" - I tried, you were getting all your talking needs filled during work with your new boyfriend. If you were talking to me instead of your boyfriend, you could have told me that... I bet you told him that sad story huh?

Etc...

I also got "When I had to take our daughter to the emergency room, I needed you and you didn't come".... I asked if she made that clear to me, because I'm pretty sure that if I knew she needed me, I'd drive 100mph to get there.. she probably told me she had it under control, and I didn't read her mind. I was home with the other two children... Then I asked if he went to comfort her... and if he was there for her operation etc...


----------



## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

workindad said:


> Mine said she cheated because I didn't make enough for her to have nice things.
> 
> She also said she would replace me with a better man who could provide the life style she wanted. This part hasn't worked out quite yet.


Hmmmm. So she was sleeping with another man so she could have nicer things, more money etc. Isn't there a word for that? For when people trade sex for money and material goods?


----------



## Overthemoon88 (Jan 10, 2013)

Mine was pathetic.

As told by STBXH to his best mate : "I didn't go searching for her. She went after me".

As told by STBXH to me : "You weren't wearing your wedding ring anymore. i thought you have checked out" ... Ummm, HE took me to the dermatologist many occasions for my chronic eczema and HE knows I can't wear ANY form of jewelry. 

I gave up ..........


----------



## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

First EA:
"It is your fault. You didn't pay enough attention."

Second EA (PA?):
"I don't have any feelings for him. We are just friends. You are just jealous."

Third EA/PA:
"I was spending all this time alone with the AP and I started having feelings for him. I wondered why do I have feelings for him now that I am married. That means I don't love you anymore."

Real reason (from her mother and sister):
"She wants everything and she wants them now. You cannot give her everything she 'deserves' now."


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Misfortune said:


> I got "it was an accident". How long do "accidents" go on for before being considered intentional?



I love this one. So, two people tripped, another guy just happened to slide into her? Thats some coordination.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

toonaive said:


> I love this one. So, two people tripped, another guy just happened to slide into her? Thats some coordination.


"Destiny"


[vomit emoticon]


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

-*"You were mean to me"* (for holding me to OUR relationship rules)
-*"I was mad at you"*
-*"He's just a friend"*, turned out all her male friends where orbiting exes.
-*"Kissing doesn't count*
-*"I stopped loving you"*
-*"It's just happened"*
-*"You raped me/you made me do things I never wanted to do."* I never raped her or forced her to do anything!
-*"We married too quick"*
-*"I don't love yoouu"*
-*etc. etc. fill in the blank.*

She only cheated twice that I caught her on, but she twisted everything around in her mind so much and rewrote everything into EVERY excuse in the book. I tried to get the truth numerous times and each time I got another new excuse. 

You wanna know the funniest lie she told me? She handed me a restraining order packet to tear up that she hadn't finished, and when I looked at her liek "WTF!?" she said, "the lady at the mediation made me do it, and I didn't want to."


----------



## Everafter2013 (Feb 11, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know what? I believe her. 

I got the "I was stupid." Figures.


----------



## blackdiamonds (Jun 26, 2013)

I told BH my reasons were because I felt like he was taking me for granted, the lack of time we had together (due to my former job having me work long hours) and the lack of excitement in the relationship.


----------



## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I was looking for some happiness in my life.


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

My only crime is to want to be happy
There must be more to life

Apparently living next door to your mother with your unemployed girlfriend and having to work seven days a week to make ends meet is 'more to life' ha ha


----------



## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

"Because you were always working," but also "because you weren't contributing enough financially."

Apparently the two statements aren't contradictions when you work at a company that pays some employees $160k to work 30 hours a week. Let's just say I've shorted my ex's company's stock a few times and made a handsome profit.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> My only crime is to want to be happy
> There must be more to life
> 
> Apparently living next door to your mother with your unemployed girlfriend and having to work seven days a week to make ends meet is 'more to life' ha ha



Oh, dear. Clearly he failed to read the instructions, first! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As soon as I disclose to her family later this year, I can hear it already:*

*"Because my kids all hate you because of your disapproval of them smoking and taking dope! It really doesn't hurt anybody!"*

*"Because you weren't materially contributing to the marriage."*

*"Because you weren't showing me the special attention that I needed as a woman and my lover, Lil' Lord Lardass, loves me for who I am, loves my kids and approves of their dope habits, and was just more than happy to oblige me!"*


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

She told me it was because she felt connected to him.
He said she was pretty, and she liked the attention she got from him over the internet.
After she got her fling out of the way, he dumped her......geeze what a surprise.

She blamed me for it, I absorbed the blame, and have carried it for years. Its nothing to do with me, its her.

There is no real good reason, except selfish behaviour at the expense of others to pick up the pieces.

craig


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> You were not meeting my needs.
> 
> and
> 
> He was the most handsome, exciting man I ever met in my life.


John did you ever do IC to deal with this. Your story breaks my heart and your wife seems absolutely clueless.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> You were not meeting my needs.
> 
> and
> 
> He was the most handsome, exciting man I ever met in my life.


Oh, I got that, too! Only thing is, I met him. He was really quite ugly!:rofl:


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Right after the affair, my wife went to counseling. I went to one session. We were declared in good shape and sent on our way lol. My wife to this day claims she never thinks about it unless I make her. So, not sure if it is a man thing that I cannot handle it or because I am the BS. She get very mad if I say anything about the affair.


Wow..she has no remorse whatsoever does she? Did you ever confront the guy?


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

I really hate reading all of this stuff.
Sure kicks the poop out of a person. As for what Johnadams posted, I know that to well, swept under the carpet never to be discussed again. Like it's not a big deal.
Remourse, if saying she is sorry, and that's it for myself. Kind of like a get over it attitude. I get bitter, mad and frustrated just thinking about the disregard for others and all the BS that follows.

Craig


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> I really hate reading all of this stuff.
> Sure kicks the poop out of a person. As for what Johnadams posted, I know that to well, swept under the carpet never to be discussed again. Like it's not a big deal.
> Remourse, if saying she is sorry, and that's it for myself. Kind of like a get over it attitude. I get bitter, mad and frustrated just thinking about the disregard for others and all the BS that follows.
> 
> Craig


John's story really is heart wrenching. It really hit me in the gut.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> Unfortunately, in my case the guy was really good looking. Had all the women he could handle. Was divorced due to his previous affairs. He was a Division 1 College Coach. So typical jock who used them and dumped them. I find it strange that men want "MS Innocent" and women are impressed with men who F.... everyone would also want them.



Ha,ha, I'm sorry for laughing but this reminds me of my army days when a lot of the young women would become very promiscuous upon joining the military, because the fact that a bunch of sex starved, desperate men that will f$ck anything will also f$ck you must make you really special.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

1. You neglected me and our marriage (while I was caring for a sick sibling who could not care for himself. He passed away last year)

2. I was not getting what I needed at home

3. She was an old friend and it "just happened"

4. You are so negative, have no friends and I just want to be happy. (I have friends and he made me negative with his attitude and I was just as unhappy as he was but I dd not cheat.)


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

johnAdams said:


> You were not meeting my needs.
> 
> and
> 
> He was the most handsome, exciting man I ever met in my life.


Oh, that's logical and a great reason.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

pollywog said:


> 1. You neglected me and our marriage (while I was caring for a sick sibling who could not care for himself. He passed away last year)
> 
> 2. I was not getting what I needed at home
> 
> ...


Sounds like what I went through. I was amazed how I never had problems with anger or negativity after she left. It was like I could get back to being my happy self and not being a parent to a grown woman who wants to act like a needy child, that really pissed me off.


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

It's kind of funny you mention about anger and being negative.
My wife asked me the other day what happened to me being happy and why am I so negative.
Geeze honey, I don't know:scratchhead:
I don't think she gets it or the impact this has on the spouse.


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Craig49 said:


> It's kind of funny you mention about anger and being negative.
> My wife asked me the other day what happened to me being happy and why am I so negative.
> Geeze honey, I don't know:scratchhead:
> I don't think she gets it or the impact this has on the spouse.


What happened to me being happy. Here let me show you, you sit there while I cheat on you and blame you for everything and you tell me what happened a year from now.:smthumbup:


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

Exactly, and by the way she is so much hotter and nice to me!

Pathetic


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Read my thread in the life after divorce to see what will happen there. My wife lost weight working out with me and another 10-20lbs cheating, then ballooned up to 200lbs living with the PosOM. And here I've been watching my weight dieting and exercising like crazy to lose 60lbs, only for her to find it.:rofl:


----------



## redtulips (Jul 22, 2012)

the reason i got was, 'it felt really good at the time' which... i think is pretty honest


----------



## sang-froid (May 2, 2013)

At first I got a lot of pathetic excuses ("I thought our marriage was over", "I didn't think you loved me anymore", "I didn't think you would care") - I call them pathetic because he could barely look me in the eye when he tried to pass them off to me. The few that rang true to me: "it was all about the attention" and "I always found a way to justify for myself what I was doing"


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

Its all about excusses, reasons, and reasons to pass it off to us.
Bottom line is it has nothing to do with us, its all about them.

My wife has appoligized, but a part of me is dead now, and never to get it back. Now because of someone elses indiscretions, we need to put the pieces back together in our lives.

We did nothing to provoke this, but we have to do the work to resolve a marrige in crisis due to infidelity. Why the Xuck should I even bother when this has crushed me completely.

So frustrating to deal with this crap.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

"I love you but not like a wife should or what you deserved"

Glad she told me that after her 2nd PA.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> It's kind of funny you mention about anger and being negative.
> My wife asked me the other day what happened to me being happy and why am I so negative.
> Geeze honey, I don't know:scratchhead:
> I don't think she gets it or the impact this has on the spouse.



Ha! I was told I was always negative and in a bad mood. "Uh Honey, I have your cell phone password and know that you been talking to the "other" guy again and I find it makes me feel negative and in a bad mood.


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

OMG Burned

Thats what I say to my wife right now.

I love you but not how a man should love his wife.

Affairs just kill everything, and i have checked out emotionally towards my wife. Not sure if I want to check back in or not.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> OMG Burned
> 
> Thats what I say to my wife right now.
> 
> ...


I completely understand that, I'm really having a hard time with the timing of her telling me. Why after the fact? Cake eating? I work and she didn't have to?


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> OMG Burned
> 
> Thats what I say to my wife right now.
> 
> ...


This was a crap-sandwich she made and tried to rugsweep it. Actions have consequences. You did your job with your kids and raised them and now its time for you to be free of the depression and the agnst. I can not understand why any spouse would want to live with that forever. You want freedom. Be it D or R - you need to to at least get to a place where the scar is minimized. Time to live for you - whichever path you choose. Some WS really don't get it until they feel the consequences. The self-centeredness of some people is astounding.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

"I was fvcked up in the head, thought I was irreplaceable, and that you would take me back no matter what I did. I actually thought that. Now I realise how immature, selfish and dispicable I was."

I waited over 20 years to hear my first wife tell me that.


----------



## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

How's this for a nice swiftkick to my ego:

"I was bored with us." (After 20+ yrs married, 2 great kids and everything a person could ask for...that's the answer I get!)

-And-

"The excitement and ego boosting made me feel good."

My favorite aftermath reply:

It was never about you, it was all of my issues. Duh, really, ya think? Cheaters really svck!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

brokenhearted118 said:


> How's this for a nice swiftkick to my ego:
> 
> "I was bored with us." (After 20+ yrs married, 2 great kids and everything a person could ask for...that's the answer I get!)
> 
> ...


It hurts indeed.
I don't know your story but I must say this line of "reasons" at least sound honest, which give some hope for recovering.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> She told me it was because she felt connected to him.
> He said she was pretty, and she liked the attention she got from him over the internet.
> After she got her fling out of the way, he dumped her......geeze what a surprise.
> 
> ...


So in the same way MattMatt wimpered and went and buried his head in the sand while his wife banged another guy, at no point during your wife's funtime did you ever try sticking up for yourself and telling her to go fvck herself? I don't get your logic.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Some of us just aren't strong enough - yet - to deal with being alone. We absorb punishment, smack our heads against a wall and look for solace on TAM. In essence we are weak and struggling to man up.


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

Not to sure if it's being weak.
At the time of discovery, I wanted to find out what was going on. Telling her to go f herself would have been easy, but not appropriate.
Every circumstance is different.


----------



## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Craig49 said:


> Not to sure if it's being weak.
> At the time of discovery, I wanted to find out what was going on. Telling her to go f herself would have been easy, but not appropriate.
> Every circumstance is different.


Tha's not the story you told. You said she stood right there and told you she was flying of to bang her OM. 

What the f.... was there to find out what was going on? She told you what was going on. And you did nothing.


----------



## Craig49 (Jul 17, 2013)

She did not tell me she was going off to bang the other guy.
I knew she heading in that direction when she went to visit a girlfriend, and his location was close.
The potential was there, and I asked her not to have the affair.

But then I found out she did.

My first concern was for my daughters, she was in no state to look after them, and when she asked me to leave, I said no fricken way. I was not going to leave my two kids with a woman that was completely F'd up.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My ex (wayward) is trying to reconcile with me. Still, his reason for cheating (so far) is that we were not having sex. That is true. Neither he or I got enough sex (or good sex) during affair year... 

However I did initiate a lot of sex otherwise it barely happened. Also true is that he started to expect porn-style sex that was HORRIBLE - no foreplay or effort on his part or concern about whether I enjoyed it at all, gave me a reason to initiate less and less.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

johnAdams said:


> Right after the affair, my wife went to counseling. I went to one session. We were declared in good shape and sent on our way lol. My wife to this day claims she never thinks about it unless I make her. So, not sure if it is a man thing that I cannot handle it or because I am the BS. She get very mad if I say anything about the affair.


So?


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> So?


This really needs to be dealt with for John's sake...


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Well I heard
"I thought you were cheating on me"
She didn't look into anything (phone,email etc)very much just said I was flirting with a friend's wife and that was her evidence, which I wasn't (he is very jealous so he would notice) even he said I was the most loyal person he knew. Then again she has been accusing me of cheating for years.

"I didn't think you cared"
But yet romantic dinner for valentines, flowers to her work, plus I was talking about taking her away for a weekend as soon as a big check I was waiting for came in. But I didn't care.

"You ignored me whenever we went out"
Again a lie, at any party or social gathering she was a butterfly talking to all her friends so I would just hang with mine. Once again our friends(girls and guys) all said she would flirt with all the guys while I was just hanging with the guys.

And Finally
"I don't know it was just me, just the way I felt"
Well hard to fix something when you don't know what the H3ll is wrong so how did I know then and how would I know now. Even though we communicate more than ever I can't see any spouse saying "well I just feel like I need to bang some one else" (a few stories on here are like that though so go figure)

As you can see the first 3 reasons were all my fault, of course I nixed all that talk. While I took the blame (and still do) for not being the best I could be for her (communication mainly, I am not too open about my feelings) I took none of this, there are other ways to make a relationship better it just takes a little more hard work, but I guess taking your clothes off for someone else is easy and of course we all know it fixes everything. LGMFAO


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

LostViking said:


> So in the same way MattMatt wimpered and went and buried his head in the sand while his wife banged another guy, at no point during your wife's funtime did you ever try sticking up for yourself and telling her to go fvck herself? I don't get your logic.


Just where do you get off saying this?

I can't speak for Mattmatt, except to say from what I have read about what happened, it was not like that at all.

Whatever happened you have no right to call Mattmatt in this way. This forum is supposed to be about support. Help. This is neither.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

johnAdams said:


> Not sure what you mean by "So" ?


I think he means it doesn't matter if she gets angry. She should talk to you. Not doing is rugsweeping and disrespectful to you in the extreme.


----------



## Wideopn Dave (Apr 11, 2013)

"You forced me to have intercourse too soon after my episiotomy when our child was born....I disconnected from you emotionally and the 6 affairs (5 EA + 1 EA/PA) were because i was seeking to fill that emotional void"........

You couldn't talk up?

You couldn't seek help in IC?

Then on discovery of the PA;

"He loves with the passion you hate with"...... (no, of course the "fog" didn't affect her judgement!) 

This is a reference to my "anger at the world" to which I fully admit.... No justification here but the reality was the enormity of stress I have been through in the past 2 yrs, coupled with deep seated PTSD from an incident 10 yrs ago did make me that angry person.....

I have dealt with that PTSD, I have sought help and am a far better person for it...... 80% of our relationship was apparently fine (feedback from the MC as to what my STBXW had told her in IC sessions)

So, 23yrs together, 19 yrs of marriage kicked to the kerb over a "missing" 20% and an apparent disconnect 17yrs ago.

Wow!!!........ Wow!!!


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Wideopn Dave said:


> "You forced me to have intercourse too soon after my episiotomy when our child was born....I disconnected from you emotionally and the 6 affairs (5 EA + 1 EA/PA) were because i was seeking to fill that emotional void"........
> 
> You couldn't talk up?
> 
> ...


Makes me sick in the gut - I wonder what would be the response if these lousy WS's were on the receiving end of an affair. Even their cheating feathers would be ruffled. RA's must be delicious - sometimes. "Oh darling!, you should have said something - I didn't think you cared":rofl:


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Wideopn Dave said:


> "You forced me to have intercourse too soon after my episiotomy when our child was born....I disconnected from you emotionally and the 6 affairs (5 EA + 1 EA/PA) were because i was seeking to fill that emotional void"........
> 
> You couldn't talk up?
> 
> ...


Sounds like she just wanted to give up on marriage and would have invented any reason to tell you. 

I'm very sorry.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As pathetic as the answer you got sounds. That probably is the reason that most waywards cheat. I think a lot of waywards feel pressure to provide more extravagent answers. Thats when the even stupider reasons are given.


----------



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> *As pathetic as the answer you got sounds. That probably is the reason that most waywards cheat. * I think a lot of waywards feel pressure to provide more extravagent answers. Thats when the even stupider reasons are given.


:iagree: Give this man a prize! It all boilds down to "because I wanted to" - it was a choice not a situation forced upon them.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> As pathetic as the answer you got sounds. That probably is the reason that most waywards cheat. I think a lot of waywards feel pressure to provide more extravagent answers. Thats when the even stupider reasons are given.


That's a straight answer. And you can drop them because you want to.


----------



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



My H told me (he had an EA, they never met up, but texted and emailed for 2+ years...) that she was always, "cheerful" and never "reacted" to anything he communicated... Always listened... Always complimented him and never said anything negative... So, um, like it was real life, right? Meanwhile I'm sure her poor neglected Husband got just the opposite from her - sour, lots of negative reactions, no compliments and not much of her time, based on how much she contacted my Husband. What a crazy world, huh? The plus side ? After two years she couldn't keep up the facade... The cracks began to show... She is a miserable, sour, unpleasant excuse for a human being. And my H - a foolish man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

^ your Husband needs a dog.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> As pathetic as the answer you got sounds. That probably is the reason that most waywards cheat. I think a lot of waywards feel pressure to provide more extravagent answers. Thats when the even stupider reasons are given.


I never thought of it as being pathetic, just honest. Also in her mind how could it have been cheating, because she told me in advance! And I really think that is how she squared it in her own mind. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h said I set him up to cheat. How funny is that? He still after 19 years blames me for everything. He's a serial cheater though.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> My ex h said I set him up to cheat. How funny is that? He still after 19 years blames me for everything. He's a serial cheater though.


See? You really WERE that important to him! You made him cheat! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

I got everything from the absurd to really confusing... therefore, I guess pretty normal.

"You never took me to the movies."... Say What?

"He told me I was pretty."... That's all it took?

"Our marriage was broken."... This when caught serially cheating for over 6 years, I agree you broke something.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

love=pain said:


> "I didn't think you cared"
> 
> But yet romantic dinner for valentines, flowers to her work, plus I was talking about taking her away for a weekend as soon as a big check I was waiting for came in. But I didn't care.
> 
> ... but I guess taking your clothes off for someone else is easy and of course we all know it fixes everything.


I remember that one 10 minutes into DD.

I remember standing there asking (screaming) at her. How many times did he (they) take you to the doctor when you could barely get up? How many cards and flowers did you get from him on birthdays, val, mother's day? How many vacation trips to the mountains or beach? How many life insurance premiums did he pay for you as the beneficiary? How many times did he send roses on your birthday to work so that your friends would know that you are loved? How many mortgage payments did he make for this house you live in? 

"None"

All they ever did was take you to some lonely hotel, tell you how pretty you are and F you all afternoon long... then send you one your way. 

Might Caring Indeed.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> See? You really WERE that important to him! You made him cheat!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's a good thing I subconsciously made him cheat or I would of never met my husband and have such a happy life.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

RWB said:


> I remember that one 10 minutes into DD.
> 
> I remember standing there asking (screaming) at her. How many times did he (they) take you to the doctor when you could barely get up? How many cards and flowers did you get from him on birthdays, val, mother's day? How many vacation trips to the mountains or beach? How many life insurance premiums did he pay for you as the beneficiary? How many times did he send roses on your birthday to work so that your friends would know that you are loved? How many mortgage payments did he make for this house you live in?
> 
> ...


They'll get angry with you for being nice.. they want you to be a jerk, so they can keep the justifications going. So when you send flowers, or get a nice card, it stings.. they want you to fight, to be mean, to hurt them. It makes it all feel better. 

All the AP did was help you destroy your marriage.. what a good friend and wonderfully thoughtful person you've hooked up with, they're really looking out for your well being.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

russell28 said:


> They'll get angry with you for being nice.. they want you to be a jerk, so they can keep the justifications going. So when you send flowers, or get a nice card, it stings.. they want you to fight, to be mean, to hurt them. It makes it all feel better.
> 
> All the AP did was help you destroy your marriage.. what a good friend and wonderfully thoughtful person you've hooked up with, they're really looking out for your well being.


Old Russell nailed this one.

Yes they want you to act in a way that either justifies their decision or that shwos a good reason why they might be doing that to you...

When you look like you where stung by a million bees in the heart, when your always angry and near explosion, when your looking down in the dumps... All of this validates their affair world. And all of this is the normal ways a cheated on spouse feels due to the situation.

But when their thinking like this, your already done.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<All the AP did was help you destroy your marriage.. what a good friend and wonderfully thoughtful person you've hooked up with, they're really looking out for your well being.>.

When MY WH tried to tell me that his "friendship" with the OW helped him understand me, our relationship, how he ultimately wanted to be with ME", I told him bulls#$%! 

Good freinds don't participate in the deception in your life that would hurt your marriage. GOOD friends don't feed into your need for immediate gratification by sexting with you. GOOD friends don't lie about who they really are, the condition of their marriage, their life, to keep you hooked. 

GOOD friends don't do that.


----------



## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

PamJ said:


> <<All the AP did was help you destroy your marriage.. what a good friend and wonderfully thoughtful person you've hooked up with, they're really looking out for your well being.>.
> 
> When MY WH tried to tell me that his "friendship" with the OW helped him understand me, our relationship, how he ultimately wanted to be with ME", I told him bulls#$%!
> 
> ...


They don't even have to be good friends, I don't have friends in my life that would Lie, cheat, steal, hurt, me the way she did. She asked if we could be friends and I said "I can be friendly but I don't keep friends like you in my life"


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

These reasons are pathetic. 

My ex bf cheated on me because "men have a certain number of women they need to sleep with, and one isn't it."


----------



## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

im_tam said:


> ^ your Husband needs a dog.


Well, I did refer to her as a real B!tch quite often... Does that count?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

My H's reasons given: he didn't want to lose me. With OW, he could show her the side he loathed about himself without caring if she rejected him. :scratchhead:


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

FLGator said:


> "*I thought we were over*" , " I felt you didn't care anymore about out relationship" and " I was lost"
> 
> Total bull****. She made excuses and rewrote years that had no relation to how it really was.


This is the one I got.

Might have been nice to have let me in on this secret. I didn't know we were over.

Low-life cheating lying piece of @*&%


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

diwali123 said:


> These reasons are pathetic.
> 
> My ex bf cheated on me because "men have a certain number of women they need to sleep with, and one isn't it."


Well, then, you get THEM out of the way first and then you kind of have to stick with your vows, otherwise what is the point of making them?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He was my boy friend not my husband though. 
And a month layer the excuse was that his dad cheated on his mom with prostitutes so he was messed up.


----------



## Europa (Oct 28, 2011)

Mine was "It just happened" and then the long answer was it was all my fault.

Because, you know, if you don't treat your wife exactly as she feels she needs to be treated, that's an open invitation to go have an affair and it's not her fault because you pushed her to do it.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

russell28 said:


> They'll get angry with you for being nice.. they want you to be a jerk, so they can keep the justifications going... *they want you to fight, to be mean,* to hurt them. It makes it all feel better.


Yep, I saw this one too.

A few days before getting caught, my wife's affair was taking off full steam. She was planning her exit to fantasy land. I guess she could not bear to think about me and our marriage. Her attitude was argumentative towards everything.

*I remember her yelling at me about where I put the kitchen trash can.* WTF!


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I remember her yelling at me about where I put the kitchen trash can. WTF!>>

I was once called 'controlling' for moving his magazine when I was straightening up and emptying trash cans before trash day. It was sitting on top of a little trash can in the bathroom and I set it on the counter. He asked why, I said to empty the trash. He said, there was nothing in there, I said, how would I know? Yep, that was me being "controlling" My bad.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

When he was having his affairs, my WH was always picking fights. One time he stormed out on Christmas Eve because I had offered him a bakewell tart. Silly me for being selfish enough to not remember he hated marzipan.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

It's true, they do pick fights and are easy to anger when in the midst of it. They prefer to remember only the bad during that time, or assume everything happening is bad. I couldn't say or do anything right. It makes it easier to justify their cheating. We could have had a perfectly fine day, maybe even a fun one, but if we disagreed about something that night, I was "like that the whole day" in his mind.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

PamJ said:


> It's true, they do pick fights and are easy to anger when in the midst of it. They prefer to remember only the bad during that time, or assume everything happening is bad. I couldn't say or do anything right. It makes it easier to justify their cheating. We could have had a perfectly fine day, maybe even a fun one, but if we disagreed about something that night, I was "like that the whole day" in his mind.


How true! My affluent STBXW absolutely flew off of the handle when she discovered a $5.38 charge that I had made on a community credit card she had set up for us, probably some 2 months prior to the "trial separation" that she later ordered. But in her own verbage, the vociferous argumentation was not "the amount" of the charge, but rather "the principle" of it. I didn't actually know if she was indeed undergoing financial difficulties, which she apparently was not.

Post separation, after having analyzed her cell phone/texting records for nearly two years hence, only did I fully come to the unpleasant realization of having uncovered her clandestine involvement with two men from her distant past, which was occurring simultaneously with her meltdowns.

And with absolutely no knowledge of her ongoing trysts, I know all too well that her abhorant behavior toward me was nothing more than just a self-serving smoke screen!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> How true! My affluent STBXW absolutely flew off of the handle when she discovered a $5.38 charge that I had made on a community credit card she had set up for us, probably some 2 months prior to the "trial separation" that she later ordered. But in her own verbage, the vociferous argumentation was not "the amount" of the charge, but rather "the principle" of it. I didn't actually know if she was indeed undergoing financial difficulties, which she apparently was not.
> 
> Post separation, after having analyzed her cell phone/texting records for nearly two years hence, only did I fully come to the unpleasant realization of having uncovered her clandestine involvement with two men from her distant past, which was occurring simultaneously with her meltdowns.
> 
> And with absolutely no knowledge of her ongoing trysts, I know all too well that her abhorant behavior toward me was nothing more than just a self-serving smoke screen!


My homey... Being in affair land and doing the entitled and double-life thing... Results in symptoms which appear to professionals as "bi polar" disorder. The brain tries to level and make it all make sense.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Robsia said:


> When he was having his affairs, my WH was always picking fights. One time he stormed out on Christmas Eve because I had offered him a bakewell tart. Silly me for being selfish enough to not remember he hated marzipan.


Their going to "hate" you or feel strained when you attempt to make them be responsible to the reality they have ( had? ) with you. They will not face it.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

treyvion said:


> My homey... Being in affair land and doing the entitled and double-life thing... Results in symptoms which appear to professionals as "bi polar" disorder. The brain tries to level and make it all make sense.


There are disjointed realities and there is some craziness as the brain tries to form connections between things which do not align. There may be optical illusions, and also many great conspiricies, etc.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

PamJ said:


> <<I remember her yelling at me about where I put the kitchen trash can. WTF!>>
> 
> I was once called 'controlling' for moving his magazine when I was straightening up and emptying trash cans before trash day. It was sitting on top of a little trash can in the bathroom and I set it on the counter. He asked why, I said to empty the trash. He said, there was nothing in there, I said, how would I know? Yep, that was me being "controlling" My bad.





RWB said:


> Yep, I saw this one too.
> 
> A few days before getting caught, my wife's affair was taking off full steam. She was planning her exit to fantasy land. I guess she could not bear to think about me and our marriage. Her attitude was argumentative towards everything.
> 
> *I remember her yelling at me about where I put the kitchen trash can.* WTF!


My wife told me that because I always wanted her to hug me, or to kiss me goodbye, that she thought I was being controlling... Another way I tried to control her, I wanted her to tell me goodnight instead of just going upstairs and going to bed with no mention.


----------



## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Oldish thread but good question MattMatt. Gotta see the funny side I always say.

My WS contacted a blogger from his home country, told her he was single and blitzed her with schmalzy emails for the next 7 months at which point we went on a holiday there. 
He went on ahead to spend time with his family. 
He met his 'new friend' in person.
It went VERY well indeed :woohoo:

His excuse: 
"I was missing my language" 

Now THAT's got to be a first :rofl:


----------



## Lister (Jan 29, 2013)

I came out with all the cliches:

- She was a soul mate
- I thought you didn't care
- She understood me 
- We had so much in common 

etc etc


the real answer was 'because i could, it was exciting and I thought nothing of the consequences' ie totally selfish and cruel.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Lister said:


> I came out with all the cliches:
> 
> - She was a soul mate
> - I thought you didn't care
> ...


I didn't think I'd get caught and I was just expires engine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

russell28 said:


> My wife told me that because I always wanted her to hug me, or to kiss me goodbye, that she thought I was being controlling... Another way I tried to control her, I wanted her to tell me goodnight instead of just going upstairs and going to bed with no mention.


Was she a controlling person?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The reason I got was pretty straight.
> Shorn of the long words I got "I am cheating because I want to."
> 
> What reason did you get or give?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At least your wife was honest with herself and with you. 

No blameshifting, no rationalizations. 

Perhaps that is why you two are still together.


----------



## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

"She knew what she was doing"
"it had to be done to finish the yearning and pain I had for her"

Now he says "I did it because I just thought of myself and it was a turn on."


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I love you, but I was being greedy.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Cheaters cheat because they are selfish, fail to envision the consequence of their actions, and believe they will never get caught. 

If any other reason is given the persons needs individual counseling to dig deeper into the reasons why they cheated. 

Even if there is a sexless marriage, it takes two people to create the sexlessness. 

If a cheater can not confront their selfishness, reconciliations are almost always doomed.


----------



## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Now he says "I did it because I just thought of myself and it was a turn on.">>

Amazing how, when really done with the A how their perspective, and narrative, changes.

Mine first said many things to make it seem like he was forced into it, or didn't know what else to do, he was unhappy, he just wanted the friendship..now he says he was being selfish and it was fun.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Of course. Sickening isn't it. I'm sure that one day, in a land far far away (if I'm around), the TT will include the new narrative. Completely selfish and they blame it on the BS.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

remorseful strayer said:


> Cheaters cheat because they are selfish, fail to envision the consequence of their actions, and believe they will never get caught.
> 
> If any other reason is given the persons needs individual counseling to dig deeper into the reasons why they cheated.





remorseful strayer said:


> Even if there is a sexless marriage, it takes two people to create the sexlessness.


Well, in one particular LD/HD dynamic that we have discussed the only way is it takes two, is because the second person chooses to stray or not cheat. 

There are some LD's who WILL not provide sex or intimacy and no amount of badgering, negotiating, pressure will change this.



remorseful strayer said:


> If a cheater can not confront their selfishness, reconciliations are almost always doomed.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I didn't cheat, but was certainly motivated by a loveless, sexless marriage, and I had opportunity, too. If I had, it would have been an exit move and a little payback to my ex. I'd have cheerfully walked away at that point. However, I have integrity and self-respect, and (un?)fortunately try to do the right thing even when no one is looking and I won't get caught, so I didn't cheat. I did divorce her though, and found a truly wonderful woman who is the love of my life. That's the best payback of all.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> At least your wife was honest with herself and with you.
> 
> No blameshifting, no rationalizations.
> 
> Perhaps that is why you two are still together.


That's certainly a part of it. Plus I loved her too much to give up on her.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Cheaters cheat because they are selfish, fail to envision the consequence of their actions, and believe they will never get caught.
> 
> If any other reason is given the persons needs individual counseling to dig deeper into the reasons why they cheated.
> 
> ...


Well, not in my case. I didn't need to catch my wife. She told me in advance that she was going to cheat on me!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Well, not in my case. I didn't need to catch my wife. She told me in advance that she was going to cheat on me!


How kind of her. What were you cheated on for? And did being told lessen the sting?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

treyvion said:


> How kind of her. What were you cheated on for? And did being told lessen the sting?


She basically wanted to do it, didn't want to do anything behind my back, so she told me. But she assured me that she loved me and would come back to me.

My wife has very logical thought processes and is honest to the point of being brutal.

Did being told lessen the sting? Yes, it did. 

I didn't have the horrible shock that many on TAM have had when they discover the affair months or even years into it.

That must be truly dreadful.


----------



## unkn0wn (Sep 8, 2013)

"I love you but i am not in love with you anymore, we grew apart. I love him."
After being caught having and emotional affair with someone from the internet who she never met.


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

********** said:


> His excuse:
> "I was missing my language"
> 
> Now THAT's got to be a first :rofl:


Yeah, I gotta admit, that's a new one on me. Just when you think you've heard them all.....


----------



## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> She basically wanted to do it, didn't want to do anything behind my back, so she told me. *But she assured me that she loved me and would come back to me.*
> (


Matt:

Did she say: "I love you,, and I will come back to you.",
or "I love you, and I will come back to you *if you will wait for me"*?

As a fellow male, I feel SO BAD that she took you SO MUCH for granted.

She KNEW you will just wait for her.


*Hypothetical Q:* From where you stand now, if you had a time machine, would you go back and leave her? Or, would you have given her a clear choice: stay with me and work on the marriage, or divorce and have the affair? Or what else would you have done differently?

If any of the above queries are unwarranted / unwelcome, I withdraw and apologize.

I asked because I genuinely wanted to know.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

[B]carpenoctem[/B] said:


> Matt:
> 
> Did she say: "I love you,, and I will come back to you.",
> or "I love you, and I will come back to you *if you will wait for me"*?
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_ I think I would handle it pretty much the same way.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Was she a controlling person?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't realize it at the time, but I realize now that she was being that way.. and I was fighting it, but realize now that it was part of the manipulation that goes along with the affair. She's never been controlling of me in a sense of telling me where to go or what to do, or emotionally, but during the affair, I can see now where she was f'ing with me. It's some pretty cruel and heartless stuff that a BS has to put up with while the WS is trying to push them away to justify being such an ahole.


----------



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Both times.....I was told that he didn't think I loved him, and that our marriage was *over*. Hmmmm.....it might have been nice if I knew or felt that the marriage was *over*. I do have to admit that being apart for 10 months (because of a move HE wanted and made with me being very unhappy about it), entered into his excuse for the second affair. Therapy has taught me that this is NO excuse for an affair, there may be reasons that led to it, but there is a different between the two! Excuses means not accepting responsibility for their actions, reasons can help make a little sense of a horrible situation, and what both parties could have done to change things.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> Both times.....I was told that he didn't think I loved him, and that our marriage was *over*. Hmmmm.....it might have been nice if I knew or felt that the marriage was *over*. I do have to admit that being apart for 10 months (because of a move HE wanted and made with me being very unhappy about it), entered into his excuse for the second affair. Therapy has taught me that this is NO excuse for an affair, there may be reasons that led to it, but there is a different between the two! Excuses means not accepting responsibility for their actions, reasons can help make a little sense of a horrible situation, and what both parties could have done to change things.


MY POS WS had the audacity, amid so much audacity, to hammer me during an argument with the question - "Why do you care now?". This is gaslighting, diverting and yes, part of the excuse making smokescreen. And very much a part of her "on the front foot" personality - she will scrap with you.

The fact was I could not at first answer it. I needed time to digest this along with so much that was coming at me in those first few weeks. And then it hit me. Yes, it was a good question but only from her side of the fence. It was irrelevant. Anyone in any long term relationship that had hit the skids could say that but deep down we do care - no matter how far adrift we are.

It was justification pure and simple and I had the perfect riposte. I asked her the same question - "Why do you care now" and "So why do you want to reconcile with _me_ now?" Silence followed by "Because I love you". I wasn't buying it, still don't.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Horizon said:


> MY POS WS had the audacity, amid so much audacity, to hammer me during an argument with the question - "Why do you care now?". This is gaslighting, diverting and yes, part of the excuse making smokescreen. And very much a part of her "on the front foot" personality - she will scrap with you.
> 
> It was justification pure and simple and I had the perfect riposte. I asked her the same question - "Why do you care now" and "So why do you want to reconcile with _me_ now?" Silence followed by "Because I love you". I wasn't buying it, still don't.


I got the exact same...

Cheater Logic = Mumbo Jumbo.


----------



## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Well, in one particular LD/HD dynamic that we have discussed the only way is it takes two, is because the second person chooses to stray or not cheat.
> 
> There are some LD's who WILL not provide sex or intimacy and no amount of badgering, negotiating, pressure will change this.


Treyvion:

Badgering or pressure are terrible methods to address a problem. 

No one is turned on by badgering and pressuring. In most sexless marriages. The high drive partner is doing something that turns the low drive partner off. 

That's often very difficult for the so named high-drive partner to admit. 

Also perhaps they are not skilled lovers and the low drive person never has an orgasm. Why would someone want sex if they are always left frustrated and high and dry????

The other issue may be medical. If you had erectile dysfunction would it be okay for your spouse to cheat or divorce you? Women have medical reasons for a low or no sex drive too. 

Marriage is in sickness and in health. 

If the low or no desire is NOT due to health concerns, then negotiating may or may not work. Counseling may or may not work. 

Cheating however is not a productive solution to a sexless marriage. 

If the sexlessness is not due to a health issue, this type of thing is easy to resolve. I.E. more foreplay, more romance anything that will entice the low drive partner to WANT sex. Or, perhaps counseling for prior sex abuse issues.

If counseling fails to solve the issue, and there is no health concern, then a divorce is the honorable thing to do.....not cheating.


----------



## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

I didn't think you loved me anymore?


----------



## december (Jul 31, 2012)

the only reason I got from mine "I don't know" - does it even answer the question ? hmm.. I don't know :scratchhead:


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

december said:


> the only reason I got from mine "I don't know" - does it even answer the question ? hmm.. I don't know :scratchhead:


They know alright, it is just that the enormity of the reasons why is so hard to face. Truth hurts the teller and the receiver. No trickle truthing? Didn't you press her / him for answers?


----------



## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

He said its because he wanted to get off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> She basically wanted to do it, didn't want to do anything behind my back, so she told me. But she assured me that she loved me and would come back to me.
> 
> My wife has very logical thought processes and is honest to the point of being brutal.
> 
> ...


Matt, sorry to ask, but your case still puzzles me. Did you think to tell her that coming back was not an option?


----------

