# Dating after divorce



## IWantLove

Hi, all,

I've been divorced for four and a half months, though we separated almost a year ago. I've worked a lot on becoming a healthy individual again and am now a happy, healthy, confident person. Now that I'm single again, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how long to wait before dating.

I ask because I recently started dating someone, and when I told my parents (who were very helpful and supportive to me during my divorce), they got very upset and said it was way too soon.

Are there any rules about these kinds of things? Please be honest--if any of you really think it's too soon, please say so!


----------



## 63Vino

pssst... You're single. IF you find someone interesting and he/she either asks you or says yes to you regarding dating...um GO.
There is NO rule except yours. Everything is in its proper order.
Parents? whats that? You run your life.

btw... would you like to go on a date with me? hahaha

By the same token. Don't look or expect things to happen. When something comes along, pay attention, dont go "looking for love" or looking to be in a relationship. thats recipe (IMHO) for disapointment.

cheers


----------



## TNgirl232

I started dating about 2 weeks after my divorce (rebound  ) - but I was happy to be out of the marriage and looking to have some fun. I meet my now husband 2 months after the divorce - never looked back. We dated for a year and were engaged for a year and now have been married for a year and a half. I've never been happier.

Each person is different. You want to date - date. You said goodbye to Mom and Dad's 'rules' a long time ago.


----------



## IWantLove

I know--it sounds crazy to worry so much about my parents' reaction, but it has caused some very serious stress (and potentially quite a bit of damage) to my relationship with them. They don't believe me when I say that I'm a happy, healthy individual, and they point to examples of other people my age (I'm in my late 20's) who got divorced and waited at least a year before they could even think about dating again. They think I might just be a really needy person or that my marriage and divorce actually didn't mean anything to me, which is why I can feel ready to date again. Placing a time limit seems a bit arbitrary to me, but it's a huge deal to them.

I mean, are there time limits that psychologists recommend?


----------



## Corpuswife

I heard rules of thumb regarding dating. Wait 1 year for ever 5 years of marriage. Well...I was married for 5 years. I would need to wait 5 years for my healing to take place. Maybe that's a good rule but I run my life.

I began dating a few months after my divorce. We had been separated for 8 months by that time. My dating rules came into play. HAVE FUN! You are dating and don't go looking for a relationship. 

I began dating a great guy and have been serious for several months. The fact is...I am stronger than ever. If I suffered through my divorce, I can certainly handle a relationship (dating). If it doesn't work out...then I know I can handle it. 

Your parents don't want you to get hurt. I understand that as a parent myself. The fact is...they will love you anyway. You are an adult. You are your own person.


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

As a parent, I understand where they are coming from: they are concerned about your mental health, your emotional stability, all that stuff. I would be, too, if one of my sons were in your shoes. 

However, you are an adult. And as a divorced woman myself, I think it's up to you to decide when to date. If you feel you are ready and can handle it, then go for it. If you don't feel ready, then don't rush it. When I got divorced, I began dating my best friend at the time about 3 weeks after the divorce was final. He was a great guy, but we just never could make it work as a couple. We only dated maybe 3-4 months before breaking up. I dated here and there for about a year or a year and a half, and then didn't date for several years until last year. I dated one crazy guy and then met my boyfriend. And my boyfriend is it for me. Took me 6 years to find him, but he was sooo worth the wait.  

So...date when you're ready. If mom and dad disagree, simply tell them that you love them, and you are so glad that they are there for you and care about you, but that you feel ready and you are going to do this, and you wish they would support you, but you're going to date anyway. They'll either get on board and support you, or they won't. But don't live your life according to what they think you should be doing.


----------



## IWantLove

Thanks, all, for your opinions. I wish I could simply tell my parents that I love them and appreciate all that they did to help me get through my divorce and leave it at that, but I have told them that, and they're so upset that they just told me today that they're going on vacation with my brother for Thanksgiving and not taking me with them. I'm no longer welcome to be with my family for the holidays.

I wish I could believe that this is all about their concern for me, but they've said explicitly that they care about what people will think if they know I'm dating; they haven't yet told a lot of people that my marriage is even over, despite the fact that it's been over for more than five months.

I'm at an impasse. I'm devastated that my relationship with my parents feels nonexistent right now, but I also feel like I finally need to become my own adult. This isn't just about my decision to date--it's about me making my own decisions without having to consult them about everything.

It sounds like I need to find a new online forum about family relationships...

Help!!


----------



## greeneyeddolphin

It is hard. I'm 31, divorced 7 yrs w/ 2 kids, and a great new boyfriend. I still sometimes am made to feel as though I need my parents approval to do something. The first step, I think, is to make some big decisions entirely on your own, with no input from them at all. The dating thing is a great start. Just give them time, and hopefully they'll come around.


----------



## IWantLove

Here's the update. After me pleading with my mom that she and my dad come to a counselor with me (I'm seeing one individually) because we need help working through this so we can improve our relationship--and them adamently refusing because I'm the only one with problems--I suggested that we take a couple weeks "apart" so we can cool off. After that conversation, my mom sent me an email saying that:

*If I think she's said hurtful things to me, I should hear the things my dad has been saying about me. We shouldn't go to counseling because my dad would say these things, and they would probably put our relationship beyond repair.
*They're going to tell their friends and some family members about this and why we aren't speaking.
*She suspects this will last longer than two weeks, so "have a nice fall; I know it's your favorite season."

So . . .


----------



## Brewster 59

Corpuswife said:


> I heard rules of thumb regarding dating. Wait 1 year for ever 5 years of marriage. Well...I was married for 5 years. I would need to wait 5 years for my healing to take place. Maybe that's a good rule but I run my life.
> 
> I began dating a few months after my divorce. We had been separated for 8 months by that time. My dating rules came into play. HAVE FUN! You are dating and don't go looking for a relationship.
> 
> I began dating a great guy and have been serious for several months. The fact is...I am stronger than ever. If I suffered through my divorce, I can certainly handle a relationship (dating). If it doesn't work out...then I know I can handle it.
> 
> Your parents don't want you to get hurt. I understand that as a parent myself. The fact is...they will love you anyway. You are an adult. You are your own person.


Good for you, and us on this forum, I am very familiar with your story and am so happy to hear you have moved on.


----------



## AFEH

Your parents are way too much in your life. If they wont cut the apron strings, something they should have done a long time ago, you gotta do the job yourself.

Your life and how you run it is your business and yours alone. It’s good to have “concerned” parents but the sort of stuff your mother wrote is abusive and emotionally controlling. No way should they try and control you like they are.

It’s tough enough at times having one conscience, you seem to have three, yours and your mum and dads. You don’t need the last two consciences to dictate your behaviour. Just use your own and you’ll make out well. You tried sorting the issues, they rejected your attempt, just leave it at that. Life is a journey, tread your own path through it, not your parent’s path. Just get on with your own life, they’ll come round in time.

Bob





IWantLove said:


> Here's the update. After me pleading with my mom that she and my dad come to a counselor with me (I'm seeing one individually) because we need help working through this so we can improve our relationship--and them adamently refusing because I'm the only one with problems--I suggested that we take a couple weeks "apart" so we can cool off. After that conversation, my mom sent me an email saying that:
> 
> *If I think she's said hurtful things to me, I should hear the things my dad has been saying about me. We shouldn't go to counseling because my dad would say these things, and they would probably put our relationship beyond repair.
> *They're going to tell their friends and some family members about this and why we aren't speaking.
> *She suspects this will last longer than two weeks, so "have a nice fall; I know it's your favorite season."
> 
> So . . .


----------



## IWantLove

Thanks, AFEH. This is what I'm trying to do. It's a struggle, obviously. I continue to be bombarded by emails, phone calls, and texts (even though she said she was going to stop communicating with me). I'm at my wit's end!!

Here's to MY life's journey.


----------



## TNgirl232

I know its tough! 

Recommendations for handling communications. Email one last time and tell her that you will not be responding to any forms of communication for at least 2 weeks and she is welcome to continue sending them, but you will not be replying or answering the phone. If it is an emergency (like someone died or is in the hospital) she can come by or send someone in person to tell you.

Then if you can:

Set a filter in your email that sends any emails from her address to a folder you make for them. That way they are not cluttering up your inbox.

Set your cell not to ring whenever she calls or texts. If possible set it to go straight to voicemail if your phone has that feature. Just delete the texts without reading them.

Good Luck - you are doing the right thing!!!


----------



## katie jane

I dont think there can be any rules about how you feel , if you are ready to date then go out and enjoy your new life .
It has amazed me how many people friends and family have tried to set me up with someone ... everyone seems to think you need to be with someone to be happy  
divorce hurts but you learn so many things about yourself as you move on .
good luck and enjoy yourself  have fun katie x


----------

