# How is this gonna work out?



## atamcire (Mar 12, 2011)

my wife and i are in our early 30's and we are approaching our ten year anniversary in december...I guess we were going to because for the past week we have been sleeping apart and she told me she is going to divorce me. I am trying to keep my cool becasue I would like to stay in the household and continue raising our 4 kids but she is starting to seem restless of my presence! a little history- i have been a dirt bag. about three years ago i met someone and started an emotional relationship. she discovered this and cheated on me and filesd a restraining order against me. after sometime we both realized that we lved each other and reunited. like an ass i continued to communicate with this girl eventually i stopped but hte girl persisted by getting a hold of my number from my stupid brother until about a month ago she left a message. my wife doesnt believe that im not to blame because she told me to stop trusting my brother. she forgave and forgave- now I am here. I accept the consequences of my actions but would not like my kids to bear them as well- how can i make this less painful for everyone involved??


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

You can try MC if you both are still interested in making it work.



> how can i make this less painful for everyone involved??


 This isn't really possible. It will hurt like hell no matter what you do.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You have been blessed with 4 innocent souls and you and your wife have been playing dangerous, selfish and stupid games with each other. You both need to think of what you are doing. There are men and women who would give their right arm to have what you both have. Drop the immaturity and step up and really show your love for these children. Dont waste your time being guilty, recommit your life to your children and your wife. Be the man of the household do what an honorable good man would do when granted so many precious children. That you can do, make your self proud of growing in your life.

It is not impossible for you two to get back on track but you will have to reconnect in a new way, you respect your wife the mother of your children and treat your children like they are the most important people on the planet. That means you don't have empty EA to pump up your ego and destroy their lives. Think of it this way, when you need an ego pump, redouble your efforts to be a good father and husband - that has a lasting substantial ego satisfaction. Read some of the information on this forum - on recovery from an affair. 

Be the leader in the family - get your marriage where it should be by acknowledging to your wife that you were immature and selfish to have endangered what you have by talking to OW. You started this and it is your responsibility to fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Start by sending the OW a "no contact" letter. Do that in front of your wife--and make sure your wife sees you mail it. That will show your wife you are committed to your marriage. In addition, it clearly tells the OW you aren't interested in her. There are sample "no contact" letters within some of the threads on this site.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you're attempting to reconcile, look at ways that you can become more transparent to her, with regards to your communication tools. Offer her access to your e-mail, phone records, Facebook account, etc. Look in the infidelity forum, and make a list of the things that the loyal spouses are asking for that you think would build your wife's trust in you. As part of the NC letter, would it be possible to tell her (the OW) that if she contacts you again, you'll file a restraining order against her? Let her (and your wife) know that you're serious about not talking to her again. Or keep that idea in your back pocket, if she doesn't abide by the NC request. BTW, did you TELL the OW that it was over, and you were trying to reconcile with your wife? Or did you just stop talking to her? And what was the timeline between you getting back together with your wife to the time you stopped talking to the OW to the time she contacted you again? Does your wife know you were talking to the OW after you got back together?

If you're not looking to reconcile (or she's not willing to), then all you can try to do is keep things amicable and friendly for the sake of the kids, without necessarily becoming a doormat. Look into mediated settlements or collaborative family law. It seems that may be possible to save lots of money that would otherwise go to the lawyers, as well as keep hard feelings to a minimum. Might even be possible to keep the friendship intact, eventually.

C


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is your goal? To restore your marriage or to divorce?

The OW has got to go though. You already know that.


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