# Brief EA, disconnection, and reconciliation.



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

So it is Christmas Eve and I have no business posting right now. But I've had a bit too much wine, am a lonely army wife, and feel the need the talk. I will try to keep this concise.

My husband is an officer in the U.S. army and is currently deployed. About six weeks ago I caught him in an EA. The woman whom he was involved in the EA with is a fellow officer that he is deployed with. She is also married with kid(s). 

I discovered the EA because one night I had an overwhelming prompting to break in to his Facebook account and check his messages. Please know that snooping on him was not an issue with me prior to this night. But the prompting was so strong that I had to follow through with it. I accessed his FB messages just in time to see him messaging the OW in real time. I knew at this point that there was a problem because he wrote a few slightly intimate things to her. It was nothing sexual or explicit but it was enough that it was definitely inappropriate for a married man.

I confronted my husband shortly after discovering this conversation. I also immediately informed the husband of the OW (I found out who he was via Facebook). This man confronted his wife only hours after I confronted my husband.

The next few weeks were an absolute emotional mess for me. My husband never denied involvement with the OW but insisted that he did not cheat but that it was just a flirtation taken too far. I think he actually believed that. I think he, at first, held to the idea that if nothing physical/sexual happened then no cheating occurred. 

He admitted to me the following details: that they had spent time alone on a few occasions but always in public, if that makes sense. That he came to care about her but was not in love with her. That he was sexually attracted to her and had thought about her sexually on a few occasions. He admitted that she would discuss her marriage problems with him but he denied talking about our marriage or me with her. He told me that he had hugged her but denied any further physical involvement.

When I asked him why it happened he told me it was because he was unhappy because I had been so negative the past two years and that he just wanted someone to talk to that did not make him feel like he was to blame for their problems. I will admit that I have been somewhat depressed and anxious the past two years. The past couple of years have been my first as an army wife and it has been a difficult adjustment for me. I had to deal with moving away from everyone I loved and basically accept the loss of a career, both in the immediate and distant future.

I also accept my part in the emotional disconnection between us that occurred prior to deployment. I will not, however, take full responsibility for that or any responsibility for my husband's decision to engage in an EA instead of finding an appropriate way to deal with his own complicated feelings.

Anyhow, over the next several weeks after discovery/confrontation, my husband put me through the ringer emotionally. At first he pulled away from me and questioned our marriage. In the beginning he said he did not have the energy to discuss our problems. He eventually began to open up to me, to start saying "I love you" again with ease, to call me "babe", and to talk about our problems. He is now at a point where he tells me that he wants to work things out, that our marriage is not over, but tells me that he doesn't think anything can really be fixed until he is home from deployment.

I never begged or pleaded at any point for him to stay with me. I actually told him that if I was not the one he wanted or if I was his second choice that he should just leave. However, I do want to work things out. I do want my marriage to survive. I am just so confused.

Should I accept that things cannot be fully worked out until he is physically home with me? Should I not read to much into his emotional disconnect, considering our physical distance? Should I take his telling me that he does want to work things out and that we can do so when he gets home with optimism? How serious is the emotional affair that he engaged in (considering that I am trusting what he told me about it)? Should I be more forgiving of it under the circumstances? Basically, any advice that anyone is willing to give me about this would be appreciated.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry for the spot you are in.

An EA is cheating in my book. His flirting efforts and intimate attention should be reserved for you, his wife. 

Do not accept any of the responsibility for his actions. He needs to own that and I see standard cheaterspeak there.

I'm sorry that I have no good ideas given your desire to R and his deployment.

Perhaps the two of you can read just friends and discuss that together?

Is the other woman deployed with him?


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I am the type to always look under the hood to try to understand why. Even if I am done with the person or situation I want to the how and why. Here is a link for a post by F-102. It is about a 1/4 of the way down.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/41508-emotional-affairs-sob-story.html


Also this link is good for common ABV and general info 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lady you handled this great. Most would be in shock or worry about exposure.

Not you! You did exactly what should have been done.

Koudos to you. Sorry your are here.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you have only been married for a short time. Is this true? And he is already cheating?

First, you did the right thing by telling her BH. That was very smart. Now they are both on notice. You should also be warned that it's extremely likely that they were physical. If you pressed, he is likely to tell you that they 'only kissed.' It's very common.

It sounds like he is detached already. I would recommend working to detach as well. Because you are separated, it is easy to institute the 180. It will help you regroup. Since he's not interested in working on your marriage while he is deployed, you should focus on working on yourself. Get stronger with the 180:

The Healing Heart: The 180

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately, it is very common in the military, both for the spouse who is left behind to feel anxious and despairing, and for the one who is deployed to have an A with someone he/she works with. Very common.

Seriously, though, if you are relatively newly married and he is already doing this, I would not just detach, but I would consider splitting from him. This is very unfair to you.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Well, you can't really know what he did or didn't do with the other woman. You're not there, and have no way of finding out. Though you could look through his messages to her and see if they reference anything. He may be lying to you, or he may not be. Just depends on what kind of man you married.

Working things out while he is thousands of miles away, and interacting with this other woman on a semi-regular basis is far from ideal. Contact with her should be completely eliminated, but you have no way to make sure that's being done, since she is physically with him, and you aren't.

It's a bad situation. Military marriages require a lot of strength, and trust. And your marriage seems to be lacking in both of those departments. He doesn't appear to be particularly concerned with what happened either. So either nothing really did happen, or he's just worthless scum.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Bye the way no matter how much he whines about exposing to the OWH you did good. The first rule of thumb: drive outsiders out of your marriage - decisively and permanently. Never apologize for doing so - no matter what.

Did you expose to his senior officers? That would be a tough one for me. I might opt to demand he or she transfer if they are in the same chain of commend. Must civilians don't realize how important that is in the military or why.


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

We have been legally married for 2 and 1/2 years. We have lived together/basically been married minus the paperwork for 4 and 1/2 years. Maybe they were physical, even if that only means kissing, and he's not come completely clean with me. I certainly hope not. I suppose that I am inclined to believe him because, well first because I want to, and second because this behavior seems very much out of character for him. 

And he does feel disconnected from me. He has admitted as much. To be fair, I know that I felt disconnected from him prior to discovering the EA. I also know that I am at least partly to blame for that. He is, however, making attempts to reconnect with me while he is deployed. By that I mean he has begun to call me more often and have discussions with me that reach beyond superficial surface levels. He tells me that he is in-love with me and that he wants to work things out.

This is hard for me to deal with because, beyond the obvious, I am very much an emotionally expressive person who likes to talk things to death. My husband, on the other hand, locks up his emotions a lot of the time and does not like to talk about problems. He has been this way from the beginning and this probably contributed to our disconnect.

I really do not want our marriage to end. First, because I do deeply love him. Second, because I can tell that he is trying to reach out to me. 

And while I do not want to go into detail, I have not exactly been a stellar wife these past two years. Good yes. Stellar no. I never had an affair of any sort but I very much believe that I made him feel like I was only with him for my own convenience.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

This is cheating and it was not a mistake. It never is. This was done with willful intent and it is 100% on him.

He was PO'd at getting caught and your exposure. His reaction was typical. You did exactly what you should have. It's up to him at this point to help get you through what he's done. He betrayed you and distroyed your trust in him. A huge issue. You need to let him know what he's done.

Cheaters are not on the receiving end and have no idea how it affects you.

No begging, pleading with him. He did the damn deed not you. 

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

He needs to understand this. exposure is a good consequence for him. This in the military could get him outed.

Good luck to you. You'll get great advice here.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband has to fix himself you can't. You need to fix yours. 

If you want a good marriage it takes two. 

No ones perfect and we all need to work on ourselves. 

Get two copies of His Needs, Her Needs and both of you read it and talk about your issues. 

Good marriages take work they don't just happen.


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Is it possible that his attitude has changed and he's saying he loves you and calls you "babe" because the OW's h got ahold of her and called her out and she threw your h to the curb? What kind of information do you have about the status of the relationship between your h and this woman?


----------



## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Do you have kids? Has he ever been deployed with this woman? Have you told his commanding officer so that they don't work together anymore? How old are you? Is your family nearby?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If they had sex, would that change your feelings about what you want?

Honestly, there is what people call a cheater's script that is so common as to be almost completely reliable. The vast, vast majority of betrayeds who come here saying that it's an EA do a little bit of probing and find out that there was sex. Definitely there is a lot of lying.

He cheated. I know you don't want to throw in the towel, but you need to make him see what he could lose. Truly, look at the 180. If you do it, you will be surprised at both how much better you feel, but also how quickly he starts to recognize how dangerous to your M his behavior has been.

And always remember that both of you own the problems in your M. He owns his cheating. You felt disconnected as well, but you didn't cause him this terrible hurt by cheating.

At the very least, he should read 'Not Just Friends' by Shirley Glass. At the least.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

What do you mean by the comment that you were not a stellar wife, only there for your own convenience?

Please elaborate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lost Lady said:


> We have been legally married for 2 and 1/2 years. We have lived together/basically been married minus the paperwork for 4 and 1/2 years. Maybe they were physical, even if that only means kissing, and he's not come completely clean with me. I certainly hope not. I suppose that I am inclined to believe him because, well first because I want to, and second because this behavior seems very much out of character for him.
> 
> And he does feel disconnected from me. He has admitted as much. To be fair, I know that I felt disconnected from him prior to discovering the EA. I also know that I am at least partly to blame for that. He is, however, making attempts to reconnect with me while he is deployed. By that I mean he has begun to call me more often and have discussions with me that reach beyond superficial surface levels. He tells me that he is in-love with me and that he wants to work things out.
> 
> ...


Both your feelings matter. Most times there isn't enough good communication to work out these issues. If they aren't corrected someone else can/will step in and fill that void. 

Not saying that's what happened here but both of you should affair proof your marriage. Cheating is never an acceptable alternative. It destroys everything in its path including usually two families. As you've witnessed here.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Lost Lady said:


> When I asked him why it happened he told me it was because he was unhappy because I had been so negative the past two years and that he just wanted someone to talk to that did not make him feel like he was to blame for their problems.


Taken straight from the "Cheater's Handbook" if one ever existed.
Being unhappy with a spouse is not a reason for having an affair. The only reason for having an affair is because HE DECIDED TO. He needs to figure out *why he decided to* so he will not ever do it again. Poor boundaries? He values external validation from a stranger over his vows to you? He wanted to get some sex if he could get her to go along?



Lost Lady said:


> I will not, however, take* any* responsibility for that or any responsibility for my husband's decision to engage in an EA instead of finding an appropriate way to deal with his own complicated feelings.


Good, except I corrected one word for you.



Lost Lady said:


> Anyhow, over the next several weeks after discovery/confrontation, my husband put me through the ringer emotionally.
> 
> At first he pulled away from me and questioned our marriage. In the beginning he said he did not have the energy to discuss our problems.


He was either still in the affair, or was withdrawing from it because she called it off due to the excellent job of exposure you did!



Lost Lady said:


> He eventually began to open up to me, to start saying "I love you" again with ease, to call me "babe", and to talk about our problems. He is now at a point where he tells me that he wants to work things out, that our marriage is not over,


He is either coming out of the fog, or is firmly in the affair still and taken it underground and is cake eating. The bold part is strange to me. He is not the one who gets to decide if the marriage is over due to his cheating. You do.



Lost Lady said:


> I never begged or pleaded at any point for him to stay with me. I actually told him that if I was not the one he wanted or if I was his second choice that he should just leave.


Good to not beg. However you too have a choice to tell him that YOU are "Seriously considering your options as to whether you want to remain married to a man who cannot be trusted to remain faithful in all the ways that you expect." He needs to know that you have self respect, and that you aren't desperate, and that you have choices.



Lost Lady said:


> However, I do want to work things out. I do want my marriage to survive. I am just so confused.


All of us who have been in your position understand your shock at what happened and your desire to stay with your husband. You have been blind sided. It will take a while for what he did to sink in.



Lost Lady said:


> Should I accept that things cannot be fully worked out until he is physically home with me?


yes and No. A lot can be done while you two are physically separated due to his deployment. In fact this could be your litmus test as to his sincerity that it is really over and he is sincere about facing himself. Both of you can read Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass, each having your own copy. He can download it online if he can't get a paper copy. You can each read a chapter between phone calls or whatever method you use to communicate, and discuss it the next time you talk. 





Lost Lady said:


> Should I not read to much into his emotional disconnect, considering our physical distance?


Was he emotionally disconnected before the EA began? If he was, it could be stress from work. If he wasn't he could still be in the affair.



Lost Lady said:


> How serious is the emotional affair that he engaged in (considering that I am trusting what he told me about it)?


Very serious. All affairs begin as an emotional affair. My husband had an EA, mostly conducted over the phone, and within 2 weeks he was ready to D me and marry OW! Some people would say that they are more devastating than a PA because of the emotional connection. I wouldn't compare the two myself, I just know that an EA ruined my marriage, and we have been working on building a new one from the ashes.



Lost Lady said:


> Should I be more forgiving of it under the circumstances?


Forgiving, yes. Forgiveness is for you, so you don't live in bitterness. Accepting, or rugsweeping, no. 
If you allow this to disappear without thoroughly dealing with all of the implications and levels of infidelity and the damage and pain it has caused, this will eat at your heart and mind for the rest of your marriage. It will also give him the message that he got away with it. He needs to fully own his part, and not blame you for anything.

There are plenty of wonderful, loving, devoted, happy, people whose spouses cheat on them. And for what reason? Because their spouses selfishly decided to cheat.

There are plenty of horrible, angry, ugly, selfish people whose spouses never cheat on them. Why? Because their spouses decide not to cheat.

His decision to cheat has nothing to do with you.

You can always work on your side of the marriage and improve yourself so you will be a better person and a better spouse, but never take any of the blame for his decision to cheat.


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

TeddieG said:


> Is it possible that his attitude has changed and he's saying he loves you and calls you "babe" because the OW's h got ahold of her and called her out and she threw your h to the curb? What kind of information do you have about the status of the relationship between your h and this woman?


That may be possible. I don't know. I am inclined to believe what my husband told me about what happened. I am inclined to believe that he did not become serious with her and never wanted his marriage with me to be over. 

As far as the status of the relationship between my H and OW, I have been in contact with OWs BH. From what I know, OW and OWs BH have been communicating and working things out. Also, I feel pretty confident that if my H was still involved with OW at all that he would not be invested in our relationship the way he is now. Of course, it could be argued that he is only invested the way he is because OW dropped him. How do I really prove otherwise? I don't think I can. 

All I can go off of is what I see now and what I know of my H. What he did was wrong, no doubt. But his character and personality have always generally been so good and moral. I suppose because of that I am inclined to see what happened as out of character and still, in general, find him trustworthy.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Actions speak louder than words. What they say in circumstances like this doesnt matter much.
Most all cheaters lie, hide, deny.

Keep your eyes open. You'll know.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Bingo @Marc878

Live aware, not in fear.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Trust but verify. Especially now. It seems like you caught this early and did the absolute right thing.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He must be an LT. If I were his platoon sergeant I would mop the floor with his sorry @$$.

Look...

Your husband is acting like a complete turd. Please tell me you got screenshots or backups of the messages. His CO would eat him alive if he knew he was messing with another married officer. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> What do you mean by the comment that you were not a stellar wife, only there for your own convenience?
> 
> Please elaborate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Reading you post, Do not recall or did not see if you had answer his question
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> Taken straight from the "Cheater's Handbook" if one ever existed.
> Being unhappy with a spouse is not a reason for having an affair. The only reason for having an affair is because HE DECIDED TO. He needs to figure out *why he decided to* so he will not ever do it again. Poor boundaries? He values external validation from a stranger over his vows to you? He wanted to get some sex if he could get her to go along?
> :smthumbup::iagree:
> 
> ...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am sorry you are here, OP, especially on Christmas. 

It sounds like you are both interested in reconciling. If, on his part, it is only because the OW left him, we do not know. We cannot VAR the heart.

While there is much you do not have control over in your situation, if I were you, OP, I would focus on what I *do* have control over. I would examine my conscience and the ways I neglected his needs and contributed to his vulnerability to an affair. 

It does not mean his affair was justified in any way. Cheating, and for that matter, deception in general, is harmful. It destroys trust. Without trust, how can we have intimacy?

As much as I agree that we should all be able to resist temptation, no matter what, the reality is that some people are weaker than others. You now know that your husband has shown he has limits to his integrity. You cannot trust him to simply do the right thing, no matter what. He does not have, at least from what you have seen thus far, that particular strength.

By talking honestly about what you need from each other, and working diligently to meet each other's needs, you both should be able to avoid the vulnerability that allowed that affair to happen.

How about writing him a letter confessing all the ways you feel you did not meet his needs, and humbly asking his forgiveness? 

You need him, and rightly so, to show humility and take responsibility for his actions. But you may need to model it for him first.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Did you expose to his senior officers? That would be a tough one for me. I might opt to demand he or she transfer if they are in the same chain of commend. Must civilians don't realize how important that is in the military or why.


I did not tell his chain of command. Unless there is proof of sexual intercourse, no rules have been broken and no punishment can be given. Even if I did have proof of sexual intercourse or evidence that strongly suggested it I still would not tell his chain of command. Allegations of adultery can ruin a military career. My husband is a career officer and makes a good living in his position. It will be hard enough to work through the EA and our marriage problems without being jobless and poor to boot!



Marc878 said:


> Get two copies of His Needs, Her Needs and both of you read it and talk about your issues.


I actually bought myself that book a few weeks ago. It was a good, albeit uncomfortable, read. It made me realize more fully how I had neglected to meet his needs properly for some time now.



Lilac23 said:


> Do you have kids? Has he ever been deployed with this woman? Have you told his commanding officer so that they don't work together anymore? How old are you? Is your family nearby?


My H has never deployed with this woman before. He met her for the first time on his current deployment. I did not and will not be telling the commanding officer. As I mentioned above, unless there is proof of sexual intercourse or strong evidence of it nobody in command can or will do anything. Command may disapprove of married service members flirting and engaging in an EA, but it's not punishable. We have two kids together. They are biologically mine by my first marriage but my H has taken on the role of dad to them. I am somewhere in my late-twenties/early-thirties. My family is on the other side of the country.



alte Dame said:


> If they had sex, would that change your feelings about what you want?
> 
> Honestly, there is what people call a cheater's script that is so common as to be almost completely reliable. The vast, vast majority of betrayeds who come here saying that it's an EA do a little bit of probing and find out that there was sex. Definitely there is a lot of lying.


Yes, if they had sex that would change how I feel. I am inclined to forgive because I believe I caught it in its early stages before deep emotional connections or sexual connections were made.

I have done as much probing as I possibly could with my H so far away as well as comparing notes with OWH. From what I've found, it does indeed appear to be an early EA and no more. Of course, I can't prove that definitively. And who is to say what would have happened if I had not caught it when I did. Maybe it would have died a natural death. Maybe it would have blown up in my face. Who knows?



happy as a clam said:


> What do you mean by the comment that you were not a stellar wife, only there for your own convenience?
> 
> Please elaborate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I really don't want to elaborate on my wifely shortcomings, but for the sake of clarity I will. 

For the past almost two years I have been depressed and anxiety ridden. I have had a hard time adjusting to being a military wife and what that meant. For the first few years of our relationship it was not a problem because my H was stationed where I lived. But when we had to inevitably PCS things became hard for me. 

The anxiety and depression worsened as time went on. Never did it become severe or truly debilitating but it did interfere with my life. I felt the need to talk about my fears and worries over and over to my H. I just wanted reassurance but I know the constant negativity wore him down. 

I kind of shut down. I started to pull away from my H and keep a lot of my thoughts and feelings locked inside. I began to feel resentment and negativity toward my H. I never told him I felt those things toward him and tried to hide it but he probably sensed it. He would often tell me that he felt like I was only with him because I felt that I had to be and not because I wanted to be. Sometimes, in my deepest bouts of unhappiness, I wondered if that was true.

We still had sex fairly regularly but I definitely pulled away from my H sexually compared to what he had previously. I neglected housework and having family dinner prepared nightly, even though both of those things were important to my H and I knew it. I kind of pulled away from being an active part of the family.

To make things worse, my H is the kind of man that does not like to discuss emotions or problems. I think perhaps he felt a lot of hurt and instead of talking to me about it he locked it away.

This is not to say that everything was gloom and doom. My husband and I still spent time together. We were still playful with one another and expressed our affection and love to each other. I did not mean to be a bad wife. I just felt so sad and so lost and kind of alone in fighting my internal battle because my husband could not deal with it.


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> Honestly, there is what people call *a cheater's script that is so common as to be almost completely reliable.* The vast, vast majority of betrayeds who come here saying that it's an EA do a little bit of probing and find out that there was sex. Definitely there is a lot of lying.


LL,

I get you want to "make this work". You want to forgive your WS for his part in this affair. But...

*You really don't know what you are forgiving him for?*

I know there is a strong temptation to bury this as a "mistake" in judgement one off EA. Rug sweeping the truth at this critical junction will not work in the long run. It will eat away at your trust and undermine any attempt at R. 

He's deployed with the OW. He admitted to meeting... "hugging". The "public place" statement is a cover. The only real truth regarding affairs... There's always more.

BTW, when he admitted to meeting the OW and "hugging" it became a PA.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you want a solid marriage good communication is a must. It's also a two way street.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Every marriage has issues, you're not alone here. I agree with you. Following your gut instinct may have caught this early enough to have avoided a disaster. Remember no matter what, this affair was 100% on him. Had he done the right thing he would have talked to you about issues rather than bringing another woman into the mix.

The smart thing is you seem to realize your shortcomings as well. Your thoughts are impressive.

One thing for the both of you. If there are major unresolved issues in a marriage and you don't work together to fix them someone is always there to step in and help. The kind of help neither of you ever want again! 

Another good read for the both of you is "Not Just Friends". Many affairs start with a friendship. Be aware!!!!

Breathe a deep sigh of relief. I think you'll both be fine unlike many others who've gone down this path.

Again, congrats on how you handled this. You are wise beyond your years and being straight forward and truthfull always helps.


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

RWB said:


> LL,
> 
> I get you want to "make this work". You want to forgive your WS for his part in this affair. But...
> 
> *Do you really don't know what you are forgiving him for.*


But how can I really know the definitive truth? The messages between my H and OW do not indicate anything more serious. The information that OWH has obtained corroborate what I found. My H and I had a long conversation a few days ago about everything and the answers he gave me felt sincere and honest. I am sure a lot of people have been burned by their WS, believing that it was "just" a "simple" EA when it turned out to be much more serious. But that is not always going to be the case. Cheating is always wrong but not all cheaters are created equal. I'm sure that there are cheaters who are capable of honestly and restitution after the fact, depending on their character prior to the A. My husband was a pretty dang good man before this. I don't think him getting to this point was as simple as him having no character or being slime. All I can do is work with what I do know, trust my intuition, and gauge the truth based on my H's behavior now.


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

RWB said:


> I know there is a strong temptation to bury this as a "mistake" in judgement one off EA. Rug sweeping the truth at this critical junction will not work in the long run. It will eat away at your trust and undermine any attempt at R.
> 
> He's deployed with the OW. He admitted to meeting... "hugging". The "public place" statement is a cover. The only real truth regarding affairs... There's always more.
> 
> BTW, when he admitted to meeting the OW and "hugging" it became a PA.


Even though I am inclined to believe it was an EA where deep emotional connections and sexual connections did not occur, I promise that I have no intention to bury this or sweep it under the rug. It really may not have gone far but it is still a danger to my marriage, I know that. I know that it very well could have ended up going much farther, to a point where R would be difficult if not impossible for me. Even if it never went farther, it still took life force away from my marriage and that is not acceptable. It can never happen again. I have every intention of getting to the root of this problem and will never downplay the affects this EA has had on me to my H.


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> If you want a solid marriage good communication is a must. It's also a two way street.
> 
> You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Every marriage has issues, you're not alone here. I agree with you. Following your gut instinct may have caught this early enough to have avoided a disaster. Remember no matter what, this affair was 100% on him. Had he done the right thing he would have talked to you about issues rather than bringing another woman into the mix.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I really do appreciate your kind words and your reassurance. I also appreciate that you do not feel inclined to imply that I am a naive fool for not automatically assuming that my H really did have sex/profess love to OW. 

I do realize my shortcomings and how they likely affected my marriage and contributed to where my H and I are now. Seeing my part in all of this makes it easier for me to work through it and find willingness to forgive. It still hurts though. I wonder if my H and I will ever be able to love each other with the depth and romance we once had. I certainly hope so.

I bought the book "Not Just Friends" last week. I haven't finished it though and am hesitant to ask my H to read any of these marriage books while he is deployed. Maybe I am being too lenient but I feel like he is struggling to mentally and emotionally work through what he did, on top of all the responsibilities and stress of being deployed, and am concerned with pushing him over the emotional edge. I am really just appreciative of his obvious efforts right now to be more open and communicative with me.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Lost Lady said:


> Thank you. I really do appreciate your kind words and your reassurance. I also appreciate that you do not feel inclined to imply that I am a naive fool for not automatically assuming that my H really did have sex/profess love to OW.
> 
> I do realize my shortcomings and how they likely affected my marriage and contributed to where my H and I are now. Seeing my part in all of this makes it easier for me to work through it and find willingness to forgive. It still hurts though. I wonder if my H and I will ever be able to love each other with the depth and romance we once had. I certainly hope so.
> 
> I bought the book "Not Just Friends" last week. I haven't finished it though and am hesitant to ask my H to read any of these marriage books while he is deployed. Maybe I am being too lenient but I feel like he is struggling to mentally and emotionally work through what he did, on top of all the responsibilities and stress of being deployed, and am concerned with pushing him over the emotional edge. I am really just appreciative of his obvious efforts right now to be more open and communicative with me.


I think, realistically, you are going to have to take charge of the relationship for things to work. Your husband has shown that he cannot be the leader. If he could, he would not have sought out or been open to that other woman to begin with.

If he were inclined to be the leader, he would have been focused on identifying the causes of your anxiety and depression, and meeting your needs in whatever way he could. 

How would you feel about sharing what you need in that direction with him now? Just opening your heart about it? Or do you feel it would be better to figure out a way, maybe with counseling, to handle those needs on your own?

You said you have read some marriage books. Perhaps you could copy and send passages that he might find helpful. Maybe he could read the complete works when he is not under so much stress, perhaps after the deployment?

Right now I suggest you focus on identifying his needs, ideally with his help. Start with what he has already told you, and what you see he appreciated from her responses to his messages. You need to take over providing him with what she did. Meeting his needs is probably the most proactive way to prevent his engaging in another EA.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I'm a very black and white type person and call it like I see it when it warrants it (read some of my posts).

In this case it appears as if you caught it quickly and did what needed to be done. Many don't.

You're young and have been married only a short time. At this point your marriage/life can be anything you and your husband what it to be. Don't kid yourself it will be lots of work and effort but all good marriages are. 

Establish boundaries and full transparency now. Never change that.

Both of you need to use this as a wake up call. If you both work this right it can be better than you ever thought possible. 

This June will be my 41st anniversary. I do know a thing or two. 

I learned and made my share of mistakes along the way. You two CAN do this.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your husband needs to shoulder the burden in making you feel comfortable and safe after this affair. He caused it, he needs to fix it. Your part should be telling him what you need. The attachment is a good place to start telling him what he put you through. Send him Not Just Friends now. He can read it during his down time. 

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know - LoveShack.org Community Forums

You both have to work on this together. Lots of two way communication. Set down at least once a week and discuss your issues, progress. He's an officer he should know how to take care of problems.


----------



## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Adapting to being a military wife is very difficult and a lot of people struggle with it. (my WH was in the military for the first few years of our M.) He should have been supportive of you, especially because of the depression and anxiety you were experiencing during the transition. I see you taking a TON of responsibility and blame, and don't see him taking much. Sure, you could have met more of his needs. But he should've tried to meet yours (reassurance, support), too. If he was too impatient to reassure you and support you during your difficult time, I have a hard time believing he will adequately step up to support and reassure you now, especially because he will also have to accept that his behavior is the reason you need support and reassurance. 

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> He must be an LT. If I were his platoon sergeant I would mop the floor with his sorry @$$.


Unfortunately my H does not have the excuse of being a newly minted Butter Bar. He has been in over a decade and is actually in a position of some authority. He knew better.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your perception is a lot better than most.

You doing ok?


----------



## Lost Lady (Dec 25, 2015)

Marc878 said:


> Your perception is a lot better than most.
> 
> You doing ok?


Thank you, I really do appreciate your words! I have learned to trust my intuition and it has served me well. I am not doing too poorly. I could definitely be better but I could also be much worse! I think that I am in the anger stage of grief and am dealing with keeping my naturally very expressive nature in check!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Lost Lady said:


> Unfortunately my H does not have the excuse of being a newly minted Butter Bar. He has been in over a decade and is actually in a position of some authority. He knew better.


Field Grade? Sorry @$$...

That means he had command. That also means he's likely reduced people in rank for infractions of the UCMJ.

Hypocrisy with authority...

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------

