# married for 20 years and no sexual desire



## sadsack (Jun 13, 2012)

I have been married for 20 years and have no sexual desire for my husband. There is no one else . When we do occasionally have sex he is very caring and tends to my needs but my problem is the desire to actually get the desire. Usually I have a scotch on the rocks to get me there. It has been this way for a long time. My sexual desire has always been a little on the low side anyway but over the course of the year it has really gotten worse. My husband confronted me the other night about my lack of desire for him and I felt awful because it is true. Could I just be falling out of love with him? I would appreciate any advice


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

get a check up and don't be shy about telling the dr.and don't let them bull---- you by saying its normal for your age.

try some erotica or porn maybe a toy try to make it exciting and fun again.

are you on any depression meds? they can have that effect as can other drugs.

ask him to seduce you a little more.

start masterbating most people get more desire if they activly explore what they like then show your husband what you like.


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## ConfusedHubby (Jun 10, 2012)

How old are you if you don't mind me asking? It could very well be a hormonal imbalance or a sign of pre-menopause. Definitely should get checked out by the doctor before you start assuming that its because you aren't in love with your husband. 

I'm only in my 30's and I had an issue with my wife regarding my libido and it turned out my high blood pressure and stress played a big factor. I knew I still loved her and that I'm extremely attracted to her, just wasn't showing up on the other end. After I saw the doctor and diagnosed what the issue was we went back to having a good sex life again.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Definitely get hormones checked. Also get back to dating your husband... and for women, we have to take a more active role in making ourselves feel sexy, think about sex, read about sex etc to make ourselves feel more desire. Try an all of the above approach, and most of all, have more sex, having sex more frequently can often increase your hormones in your body. Try some natural supplements like ginseng. But struggling with low libido does not mean you don't love your husband, however him confronting you, means he is taking a serious hit from the rejection he feels from your lack of desire and attraction to him... fix this quickly.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Aside from the low sex drive issue, do you have symptoms of depression?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

First, rule out depression, stress, hormones, medication, perimenopause, etc.

Then, revisit your relationship with your husband.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As far as I know alcohol can reduce anxieties and inhibitions. I don't think it increases the desire.

So yes, you need to see a doctor about this but you may also have repressed desire. Probably a combination of the two.

Yes, there seems to be depression here.


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

I don't think that it has anything to do with the way you feel about him. Women tend to feel reduced libido with every year that goes by (with the same partner), there is even research to back it up. 20 years with the same man can do that and it's perfectly normal. But, it may put your marriage in risk, because men get tired of it eventually and look for other ways to to satisfy themselves...

If you still care about your marriage (maybe you don't and that's o.k too), there are several ways you can try to work on this problem, I would try marriage cousneling as well.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Do you get turned on by actors, movie stars, a hot movie scene, reading the seductive pages of a romance novel ? If not...did you in the past? What has changed... any new meds you are taking, any growing resentment towards your husband? 

If these things do absolutely nothing for you, chances are your hormones are not doing their dance... there is testosterone creams available for women... ask your Doctor. 

Maybe some ideas here >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/46286-who-has-used-testosterone-cream-sex-drive.html

Could you be depressed? Even our hormone levels affect this, as dopamine is lacking...which will cloud many other things in your life, not just desire for sex. 

This would be very difficult for a spouse, as it zaps all enthusiam and passion ...We all want to feel wanted and desired, this increases the excitement and arousal so much, we feed off of it. 

If these things DO turn you on and regularly, but you feel nothing /nada for your husband... then I would find it is more a problem with him...you have fallen out of love.



> *lisa1975 said *: I don't think that it has anything to do with the way you feel about him. Women tend to feel reduced libido with every year that goes by (with the same partner), there is even research to back it up. 20 years with the same man can do that and it's perfectly normal.


 If this is the research, it has more to do with other problems manifesting itself within the marraige (built up resentment, loss of attraction, too much fighting, lack of communication....or hormonal... thyroid issues, low Test, diabetes, etc) -over this being normal. 

Noone wants that normal, it sucks the life & Joy right out of marraige reducing the union to roommates.....this needs attention! 

Many women come into thier sexual PRIME in the late 30's, early 40's (but not all) ...those who do...find they crave sex more than they ever did in their entire lives....many finding a renewed passion for their husbands and marriage . 

I would say in a healthy marriage, the SEX slowly becomes less about 'the URGE" (unless the woman is still in her Prime)...but more about the "Emotional Connection", this is what drives me and mine more so in our -upper 40's.


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## june1234 (Apr 29, 2012)

I do feel the same towards my husband as he is cold towards my needs(emotional and physical).Hides things and does not share..So less i care(for him)


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

sadsack said:


> I have been married for 20 years and have no sexual desire for my husband. There is no one else . When we do occasionally have sex he is very caring and tends to my needs but my problem is the desire to actually get the desire. Usually I have a scotch on the rocks to get me there. It has been this way for a long time. My sexual desire has always been a little on the low side anyway but over the course of the year it has really gotten worse. My husband confronted me the other night about my lack of desire for him and I felt awful because it is true. Could I just be falling out of love with him? I would appreciate any advice


How was sex at the beginning? If your answer to that question is that you never really wanted him, what was the motivation for marrying him?

I'm not being snarky here. I've seen often where women (including my own ex) get married for reasons that do not include physical attraction. Finding out how it was like in the beginning might point a way forward.


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## june1234 (Apr 29, 2012)

dear,
everything is attractive at the beginning.When comes children woman gets tired doing all the chores.If men r unwilling to share the upbringing then they r misfit to get married..without emotional bonding physical attraction gets less n less.And when they r addicted to porn things become worse.


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