# Clear Bounderies



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

I personally have very permiable bounderies. Its just who am I, and I can (when I am aware) manage my bounderies better but its a constant effort. My spouse is not very good at setting boundaries for me and when that happens i behave like quite an adolescent and am very sorry and regretful later. He doesnt really talk about his feelings, desires, wants in terms of our relationship so i find myself quessing all the time. I try to communicate what I want but havent been doing a good job of it.

Ive been reading these boards and have been very enlightened. I have been trying to see things his way everytime i feel an inking of annoyance. I have begun to seen him as an individual and not just as a part of our marriage and its helped me personally. Im not a ***** anymore and I dont miss her thats for sure. Our sex life is better than Ever and he even said noticed a difference in the quality. So i happy he is happy.

Back to the boundary thing. What I am leanring from these boards is that i need his alpha to be more prominent to set some boundries for me in terms of what he allows in my behaviors. 

Lets not judge here folks. I am a grown up and in every other area of my life this is not a problem for me. But in my intimate relionship him being firmer with what he allows and doesnt allow makes me feel contained and safe. When I dont know my limits or am allowed to abuse those limits i feel out of control.

Im not trying to change this aspect of my personality, i just want my husband to understand a little better what i need from him as a partner


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sorry but that’s not the way. You’re asking your husband to control your behaviour. Whereas a mature adult controls their own behaviour.

Take a look at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html. works for women as well.

Essentially in these instances a boundary is an INTOLERANCE of behaviour towards ourselves from other people BUT AS IMPORTANTLY it’s an INTOLERANCE of our own behaviour towards other people.

So go ahead and build your personal boundaries … “I will never treat my husband like …. ever again”. Buy the book, build your own boundaries and then give the book to your H so he can build his.

Bob


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

"Changing your partner" is a fool's errand.

However, that doesn't mean you can't buy him the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" book as a gift.

It could lead to some helpful discussions.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

hes says i didnt grow up with my father and thats why im looking at him to be my "daddy". Okay, I can accept that there is some truth in that. But thats me and it does change what I need from him for sure. I think if he wants me to work with and around his non verbal communication style and not insist that he change (anymore  ) I can get with that. Im all about letting him be who he is independant of his role in this marriage. I just want the same thing. I have had to modify my behavior and expectations to accomodate who he is, i want the same consideration for this quirk of my personality


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

janesmith said:


> Lets not judge here folks. I am a grown up and in every other area of my life this is not a problem for me. But in my intimate relionship him being firmer with what he allows and doesnt allow makes me feel contained and safe. When I dont know my limits or am allowed to abuse those limits i feel out of control.
> 
> Im not trying to change this aspect of my personality, i just want my husband to understand a little better what i need from him as a partner


You're self-awareness is great. But as the others have pointed out, your hope for resolution is flawed.

You would do well to try and change that part of your personality. Otherwise you are counting on him to change ... which you have no influence over whatsoever.

If he is passive and non-confrontational, there isn't a lot you can do to change that. There is plenty he can do, should he choose to.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Conrad said:


> "Changing your partner" is a fool's errand.



I'm going to buy myself a very bright hat with bobbles and bells on it and skip through my village. Damn. I actually live on a hill. I'll make a new sign for my home "The Fool on the Hill" lol.

Bob


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

thanks for taking time to answer.

hey, it is what it is. hes a great guy. im an awesome chick. sometimes we dont take care of each other too well. For me, what i am asking, is part of the taking care of that i need. Communication needs work too. After almost 17 years, i think we still dont know enough about each other. at least we dont act like we do.

I do set my own limits most of the time, but i have to admit, there are times when ive been really angry with his nonresponsiveness that I have done and said things to set him off and get some kind of response. Thats the adolescent taking charge, im sure. The thing is, i can only recognize her taking up space in my heart and mind, when its all over and the dust has settled and im thinking clearly again.

Ima strange little bird I know, but thats me.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

BTW 

the alpha IS there. Ive seen peeks. and its hot as hell!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

janesmith said:


> ive been really angry with his nonresponsiveness that I have done and said things to set him off and get some kind of response.


I think what you'll have to wrap your mind around is that his lack of responsiveness to you is a boundary, it is a way to communicate a boundary. My H is also very quiet and this was a hard one for me to accept. 

You'll have to have boundaries with yourself in response to him. The hardest part about boundaries is learning how to set them with yourself. its rarely about the other person. That is the hard part. My H's silence used to throw me into a temper tantrum. It still hurts me but i do not get juvenile anymore.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

yeah, blanca, i see that. im working on it


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

There is no question my W pushes boundaries and sometimes incites to provoke an alpha response. I have learned to make my response more "playful" though it is sometimes highly physical/playful. This is a fun "game" for both IF you and he BOTH get good at it. 

The biggest thing I had to learn was that I could be very alpha without being "angry". Just determined with an "edge". And I know she finds that hot. 




janesmith said:


> thanks for taking time to answer.
> 
> hey, it is what it is. hes a great guy. im an awesome chick. sometimes we dont take care of each other too well. For me, what i am asking, is part of the taking care of that i need. Communication needs work too. After almost 17 years, i think we still dont know enough about each other. at least we dont act like we do.
> 
> ...


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

MEM!!!! DUDE!!! That was totally hot. You know what im talking about though. Having a hard time communicating that though. Maybe thats not even the problem, its just not who he is. love him to death though, but do long for a "put you in your place when u over step the line" kinda dude. You know when your tone goes extra low and you get the "stop [email protected] with me or there will be consequences" look in your eye.

Ill just keep pushing his buttons and hope for the best:smthumbup: or worse


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jane,
My W is VERY headstrong. And she is clever and funny and hot and upbeat so the headstrong bit is just part of the overall "package". We sort of have this 80/20, 20/80 deal. Basically I mostly run the "bedroom" and she mostly runs the non-bedroom. In both cases we are considerate of each others needs but in both cases it is clear who is driving. FYI: She isn't bossy very often because she gets "one" warning for that and then a spanking. 

That said, you have no idea how stunned I was when she was telling me what she loved about me and included "and I like that you put me in my place when you need to". 

And the put her in her place comment was all about when she is boundary pushing. 

As for me telling "her" to stop doing that - ROTFL - I tried many times. It is just who she is. So I just got good at responding. 

Walking towards her while making unwavering eye contact and asking in a soft, deep voice "what did you just say to me"? works like magic. 




janesmith said:


> MEM!!!! DUDE!!! That was totally hot. You know what im talking about though. Having a hard time communicating that though. Maybe thats not even the problem, its just not who he is. love him to death though, but do long for a "put you in your place when u over step the line" kinda dude. You know when your tone goes extra low and you get the "stop [email protected] with me or there will be consequences" look in your eye.
> 
> Ill just keep pushing his buttons and hope for the best:smthumbup: or worse


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

she is a lucky girl Mem thats for sure for you to understand her so well and not insist she change.....but still be the man she needs u to be. Thats all im asking. There was someone in my life who understood me just like u understand ur wife. Unfortunately hes not my husband, lmao. 

Ive been described as very headstrong, no nonsense, strong, even intimidating...that one i dont see. I think he doesnt respond the way i need him to because he cant see me needing that from him. Hmmm. now that im thinking on it more, like i dont spend enough time thinking about our relationhip already, lol, anyway, where was I....

oh yes....He cant see me needing that kind of 'containment" for lack of a better word. In another kind of relationship, i would be the sub for sure, lol. Dont know if im making sense, kinda rambling now, lol.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jane,
I am also lucky. She ummm - taught me - how to be alpha in bed. I figured out the non-bedroom part on my own. 

Does he know how to do the alpha stuff in the bedroom? Many women like being overpowered - pinned - held down - maybe a lightly "rough" session. And of course the "audio track" is very popular as well with phrases like "tell me you will do whatever I say" being a top hit in most places. 

That stuff is definitely teachable. 

FYI: For the casual reader I have never and would never force myself on anyone - least of all my W. This is all just playing a mating game that is far older than recorded history. 




janesmith said:


> she is a lucky girl Mem thats for sure for you to understand her so well and not insist she change.....but still be the man she needs u to be. Thats all im asking. There was someone in my life who understood me just like u understand ur wife. Unfortunately hes not my husband, lmao.
> 
> Ive been described as very headstrong, no nonsense, strong, even intimidating...that one i dont see. I think he doesnt respond the way i need him to because he cant see me needing that from him. Hmmm. now that im thinking on it more, like i dont spend enough time thinking about our relationhip already, lol, anyway, where was I....
> 
> oh yes....He cant see me needing that kind of 'containment" for lack of a better word. In another kind of relationship, i would be the sub for sure, lol. Dont know if im making sense, kinda rambling now, lol.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

He is very alpha in bed. will flip me over, smack my ass, demand i give "it" to him. We do that 'dance' in bed. I refuse and he overpowers and takes and its a strip straight to ecstacy...lmao i sound like a bad romance novel, lol....it could be more but it is what it is and the sex is great


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

janesmith said:


> He is very alpha in bed. will flip me over, smack my ass, demand i give "it" to him. We do that 'dance' in bed. I refuse and he overpowers and takes and its a strip straight to ecstacy...lmao i sound like a bad romance novel, lol....it could be more but it is what it is and the sex is great


Jane,

Fall on your knees every night and thank the Almighty that you're both attracted to one another.

That's a great baseline from which to work.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jane,
I think you should try to "teach" him the non-bedroom alpha stuff. He clearly has some fire in him. Teach him how it works and explain that he can get you fired up pretty quickly playing the out of bedroom games. Of course they only "start" outside the bedroom....




janesmith said:


> He is very alpha in bed. will flip me over, smack my ass, demand i give "it" to him. We do that 'dance' in bed. I refuse and he overpowers and takes and its a strip straight to ecstacy...lmao i sound like a bad romance novel, lol....it could be more but it is what it is and the sex is great


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Jane,
> 
> Fall on your knees every night and thank the Almighty that you're both attracted to one another.
> 
> That's a great baseline from which to work.


gAWd Conrad, I know huh? Before finding this forum, i thought it was an anomoly occuring in my group of friends. How could you not want to have sex with each other, its SO friggin GREAT!! lol and they would look at me like i was nuts. 

I have often thought it is the awesome sex we have that has really helped us through the bad times. Gives us a chance to reconnect and feel love for each other. fills up my luuuuvvvvv basket, lol. I have told him if him i need hellp when i get into snits. grab me, feel me up, throw me on the bed and have hot angry sex with me and MAKE me stop being an ass, lol. But when he is angry also he cant get past those feelings to hve desire for me.

que sera sera, lol


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Jane,
> I think you should try to "teach" him the non-bedroom alpha stuff. He clearly has some fire in him. Teach him how it works and explain that he can get you fired up pretty quickly playing the out of bedroom games. Of course they only "start" outside the bedroom....


i have some well a few sub tendencies and that would be a challenge for me. but im openn for a challenge. i know it wouldnt be an outright conversation, but maybe through my actions he will get the picture.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

janesmith said:


> gAWd Conrad, I know huh? Before finding this forum, i thought it was an anomoly occuring in my group of friends. How could you not want to have sex with each other, its SO friggin GREAT!! lol and they would look at me like i was nuts.
> 
> I have often thought it is the awesome sex we have that has really helped us through the bad times. Gives us a chance to reconnect and feel love for each other. fills up my luuuuvvvvv basket, lol. I have told him if him i need hellp when i get into snits. grab me, feel me up, throw me on the bed and have hot angry sex with me and MAKE me stop being an ass, lol. But when he is angry also he cant get past those feelings to hve desire for me.
> 
> que sera sera, lol


Will he agree to spank you?


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