# Men and Women advice please



## selfacceptance (Dec 3, 2009)

We have been separated since September, we have 2 kids with shared custody, one week on and off.
Marriage (10 years) fell apart several years ago, not sure why we stayed together, love, hate, convenience, sex, dunno.
Alot of mental abuse, I walked on eggshells for years so I didn't upset him, I ended up losing myself and now I am a complete mess.
On his side, he kept trying to make me happy, kept failing, kept getting mad because I never did anything to help myself. It was a vicious circle, build me up, tear me down, build me up, tear me down.
Yes, this all sounds like it was "done" to "me" and that was how I lived my life, as a victim and people did stuff to me. I never took responsibility for anything and fell apart when I didn't get my way. I have ALOT of work to do on myself. ALOT. I don't like me and want to change alot of my character defects. Yes, I fully believe people can change. Before marriage, I went from relationship to relationship getting treated like crap.
ok, so now you have an idea of the marriage....
we separated, we were a mess, both of us.
He told me not to sleep with other people, to work on myself. (yes, he has control issues here too) I agreed. The same rule did NOT apply to him.
I had been online since the summer, talking to different guys, trying to feel better about myself. Call it an ego-boost (yes, I realize now it's the wrong kind of ego boost) and I know what I did was wrong, but I just felt sooo bad about myself after years of being torn down. Now that we separated, I actually met some of these men, and had alot of sex, was great, yet defeating because they obviously did not care about me at all, and that was really all that I wanted (looking for love in all the wrong places).
He finds out, is shocked, hurt, devastated, and finds out I've been online all summer as well, regardless that I never met anyone, I was still online. This news rocks his world. He is mad, and very very hurt. I feel horrible.
THEN, I find out he's been sleeping with my friend (who spent ALOT of time at our house and was my friend) for the last 2 years. He justifies this because I had opened the door with a threesome with this woman. (yes, a very bad decision on my part) but regardless, I never said "keep having sex with her".
The marriage was already crap, he's sleeping with her, yet hates her and resents her and treats her worse than he had been treating me and I'm online getting boosted by strangers.
My point of my story, and telling all of this, he fully blames me for everything.
I can forgive him, I can forgive me, we've both really hurt each other, and I can let it go, learn from it and move on.
He can't. He fully blames me and then on top of that says that what I did was worse. I personally don't believe that, but I'm stuck and lost.
I'm seeing counsellors that tell me I've been verbally abused for years and this is why I'm so wrecked. This just ADDS to the bs that I'm dealing with.
I need some feedback, from people that don't know me or him, and won't feed into my self-pity crap that I pull so I can be the victim. Yes, I do that on purpose to feel sorry for myself, which is sick in itself. BUT I never did ask for any of this. Maybe in a way I did.....
I would love to hear both sides, from men and women, what they think of the situation.
I have no friends, no one to talk to except family who have seen me cry alot in the past, so have their own judgements before I even say anything.
Thanks so much for listening..
Joanne


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## selfacceptance (Dec 3, 2009)

I guess maybe I don't know what I'm looking for and that is why no one is replying to me.
Does anyone think my situation is repairable?
or is it beyond that and I should just completely give up.
Am I that crazy to think that down the road it might work? or is there too much damage done?
He tells me about the people he talks to and gets feedback, which helps him work on his issues. I have no one to talk to to get any feedback, only family who just roll their eyes at me.
I would appreciate ANYTHING said to me about anything....
trust me, anything.


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## triton1984 (Nov 20, 2009)

I am not the greatest with advice but saw you posted yesterday and were wondering about a response an hour later, so I thought I would at least let you know someone has read your post. You mention being married for 10 years and not knowing for sure why you stayed together...I think it could be a little of all of the things you mentioned and of course the two of you have children which is why many....including myself probably stayed together. 

Marriage is tough...I have been at it 22 years and it has had it's ups and downs....came to an embarrassing realization awhile back that often I treated my best male friend better than I did my wife, lover, and mother of my children. We had let children and life in general come before the most important thing which was our marriage. Fortunately, neither of us had affairs and I am deeply in love with my wife and daily see her feelings toward me returning. 

It is obvious you are hurting and feel alone...probably one of the reasons you looked for sex with several men but didn't get your emotional need met because you realized what they were in it for. I must say that neither one of you has done anything in this seperation to save the marriage. The threesome thing prior to the marriage was probably an attempt on your part to spice things up and may have been his way of getting you to accept an affair he was already having or allow him to have one with your so called acceptance. I hope you now know that bringing someone else into your bed had no benifits. Neither of you is more right or wrong than the other and if you can't both accept that you have both screwed up then I would have to doubt you have any chance to save this "relationship". If you feel you still love him regardless of all that has gone on, you need to be clear and tell him that, ask for forgiveness for what you have done and tell him you forgive him for what he has done or you feel he has done (even if he doesn't think he was wrong). You then need to hold your head up, get some self respect....(not from random men wanting sex)...get some real friends, hobbies, maybe seek some spiritual guidance if you are inclined that way...go to school or something FOR YOU. I truly hope you aren't correct when you say you have no support from family...were you in my family I would at least express my concern for you hurt and give you a shoulder to cry on regardless of if I agreed with what you had done. 

I'm am truly sad that you feel you have no one to talk with....it is a lonely feeling....I have felt myself.


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## selfacceptance (Dec 3, 2009)

Thank you soooo much for your reply.
I truly appreciate it.
we went for couples counselling yesterday and he said he didn't have any intention on reconciling. He is very very hurt and cannot forgive. I was very hurt, but when I got home and thought more about it, decided it was probably better, and really, if it is meant to be, it will happen, I cannot change anyone and I don't want to "convince" someone to love me. 
Many many years of hurting each other, the counsellor pointed out a cycle that just keeps going over and over again that hurt us both.
My parents are south for the winter (I'm in Canada, lol) so I don't have my mommy to cry on her shoulder, lol.
My sisters are there for me, but I have cried on their shoulders so many times, they don't understand why I would even continue to stay. I do see their point. They love me and I'm always hurting.
I see alot of my errors in the relationship, and have most definately learned from them. 
I appreciate your comment/push for me to do things for me, and to focus on me to make me feel better, not looking for outside pleasure. This one will be really hard for me, considering I've never done it, and I have to learn about myself all over again.
Thank you again, so much, for replying, I am really grateful for all your feedback, it is really good to hear someone else say what they think and give me the nudges I need at this point in my life.
Joanne


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