# Do you regret finding out about old affair?



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

For those that found out about a spouse's affair after it was over, do you wish you never knew or are you glad you found out?

My wife and I have been working hard on rebuilding our marriage after many bad years. She is seemingly committed to making this work. Though we aren't out of the woods by a long ways, we can see the path and which direction to go. In some ways the relationship is more open and better than it ever was.

The sticking point is the abundance of red flags for an affair during the last couple of years. Perhaps some red flags from earlier affairs, but honestly I don't trust my gut or memory on those at this point. I asked her point blank if there had been any affairs of any kind with any man or woman, to which she gave a believable denial. The red flags are not adequately answered for me, though she has offered logical explanations for them.

At this point my world has been shaken so badly in the past 6 months that I don't really know what to believe. But I am unable to feel secure or have solid trust in her. Going into her office last week I couldn't help but wonder who she may have had sex with on the couches there. I am triggered frequently by different things, be it the mention of a male coworker or a plot element in a movie with a cheating wife.

I want to resolve this trust problem. I want to give her a safe opportunity to come clean with anything, including any affairs. She may yet lie to me, and I won't know whether to believe it. But there's the chance she'll finally come clean if there is anything there.

Your thoughts, opinions, experiences?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I wish it never happened.

But it did, and so I deserve nothing but the truth. Yes the details have done a lot of damage to me, and that is entirely her fault and my burden to fix. Some of the damage is permanent, but what I've gotten out of the pain and suffering is an experience that has provided me with wisdom, no matter what went down I'm further ahead.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Why would you regret it? You can't forgive unless you know what you're forgiving. If it bothers you that much, you can always have her take a polygraph test.

29 year marriage, is she late 50s early 60s? Way, way past menopause. Just goes to show that some people are never too old to cheat.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Both. 

1. I wish I never knew because then I wouldn't have known the pain that came with it, the wondering about what was real/fake about our relationship/marriage.
2. I am glad I know because it made me see the real him and I didn't feel like I was played for a fool.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your post doesn't say you know your wife had an affair. Are you saying you just suspect her because of the red flags? Or, are you suspecting affairs other than the one you know of? Sorry, I'm confused.

By the way, I heard on a radio show the other day that only one out of five affairs are ever exposed. Had no idea it could be that high. So most people never do know.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Have her take a polygraph test. The cost is about $500.
2. Have the both of you get checked for STD's.

No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. A consequence of her affair to take a polygraph test and put your mind at ease hopefully.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Your post doesn't say you know your wife had an affair. Are you saying you just suspect her because of the red flags? Or, are you suspecting affairs other than the one you know of? Sorry, I'm confused.


I have no solid proof of any affairs. There are many red flags which lead me to believe the chances are high that she had an affair during the past two years. There were suspicions much earlier in the marriage, in the first few years, but at this point I don't trust my old suspicions on those. However, she could surprise me with an admission of PA(s) from early in the marriage.

So she may have had no affairs. Or she may have had an affair recently, which I believe is over if it did occur. Or there may be affairs from 25 yrs ago.

Without an outside verification I can't know if her denials are truthful. The gut says probably she cheated. I just wish I could get the truth and know it is the truth.

Asking for a polygraph scares me. The potential damage if she has not cheated seems huge. I'm not ready yet to take that step.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bryanp said:


> Have the both of you get checked for STD's.


This is on my list, to get myself tested.


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## whoyoo? (Nov 27, 2011)

I just went through a 2-year process to uncover my wife's affair. Discovered phone records (thousands of texts, dozens of hrs of calls, sometime to 2-3 in morning) 2 yrs ago which were repeatedly denied as anything more than innocent communication with an old high school friend. To cut to the chase, it took me this long to finally uncover the depth of her lies and confronted her that I knew of her affair (thankfuly there does not appear to have been any sex, but it was considered). STBX claimed she didn't want to hurt me & shows no remorse about it all. Due to the state of the marriage I was prepared to divorce independent of my proof of the affair. We went to counseling & when I made it clear that if she did not want to repair the marriage I was ready to divorce. She then reaches out to the OM & tells him she's finally ready to leave me, etc.

Last 2 mos have been a living hell. I think I have been more hurt by the 2 years of callous lying and deception, rendering most of the last 2 years of my life & marriage as a lie. I am stunned at her blatant disregard for our family unit (3 kids), my role as their father, her husband, etc. The deception has shaken me to the core and caused me to question the totality of our 18 year marriage. 

I would have much preferred to have her admit to the affair 2 yrs ago and either a) tell me she wants out of the marriage, or b) she wants to repair it. She chose c) neither, and has strung me along for another 2 years and would have strung me along for many more if I had not kept digging. As she has not had to work outside of the home for 15 years, it was pretty comfy for her, but apparently left her wanting.

My head said she cheated, but my heart wanted to belive her denials as it was the (temporary) salvation of our marriage. What never added up was that she never acted like someone who had nothing to hide. At the end I was stunned at her ability to lie through her teeth to me, which I never imagined. I would have much preferred the truth, because it at least provides an opportunity to then rebuild. My STBX's foundation of lies has created such mistrust it is hard to ever imagine a civil relationship. Hopefully with time that will change.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

IDC what anyone says I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO KNOW!!! 

Why screw up my world for something that is merely but a memory from who knows how long ago.

Shoot......I wouldn't want to know now if it's over!! Screw that all of that pain, heartache, doubt, wonder, etc for some mess up years before. 

I don't live on priciple!!!! I live in reality and the reality is 9 times out of 10 your life would be better if you had never known, but spin it however you want.





**Wanted to add most people responding are describing marriages that seem to be having many problems. Mine is all but perfect!! We could say if she is cheating well then it's not perfect. While true if she is shows ZERO signs everything is hitting on all 8 cylinders and has been for years. So, in my marriage the above applies. If things were pretty crappy then a affair would just make sense help give a reason...........my marriage, life, and relationship rocks.....so I don't want to know**


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

OhGeesh said:


> IDC what anyone says I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER WANT TO KNOW!!!
> 
> Why screw up my world for something that is merely but a memory from who knows how long ago.
> 
> ...



You may be in for a rude awakening if tomorrow you were to show symptoms of an STD and they were confirmed that you indeed caught an STD. What will you do then?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

thing is, even if you dont know, eventually the flags will be either misinterpreted as something else, which may cause emotional detachment from the marriage on your part, or will very likely result in detachment on your spouses part. then, what kind of marriage are you left with? Convenience? "for the children"? Safe but loveless? 

I would rather be given the opportunity to make a choice for myself on the true facts of the situation and decide to stay or go, than to plod along in a fallacy of committment.

Q~


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

I would want to know; but the reason I would want to know would be to improve the marriage. If you haven't read The Monogamy Myth, I suggest it. My wife disconnected years ago. I suspected but did not confront. Years later, she mentioned some things while drunk. I did not take that history seriously enough and rug swept. She continued to flirt over the top. She has toxic lady friends who confide in each other and poison each other. Sex was infrequent. No passion for a long time. We muddled through as parents and roommates. I walked in on my wife and "best" friend, got hit over the head and landed in the hospital. We hit rock bottom, I moved out, and two years later are mostly recovered. However, even during this recovery she has slipped with two EAs. I overheard the first guy making plans. I called her on it. Then, I overheard her and another man discussing a way to hook up. I called her on it. I laid things on the line. Her words for years were that "I didn't get it". Didn't get what? I finally have the answer. WE both didn't get WE. Looking back, I wish I had let her make the final call on a lot of decisions. I still think those decisins would have been foolish, but she would have thought we were in this together instead of thinking her decisions were worthless, not respected, and that she was relegated to being a servant and worthless appendage. It didn't matter what I did once she decided there was no WE. Quit golf. Went without the kids on dates and on exotic vacations lasting as long as a month. Jewelry, doing more around the house. Talking. No, once she was disconnected without the WE, she just no longer cared. 

So, yes, you want to know. Forget that crazy polygraph stuff. Don't browbeat. You just want an honest relationship. If I had known, perhaps I would have understood. For the first time in a long time, I believe I am in a real marriage. 

I wish you and your wife the best and hope that relating a bit of my experience helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I am a huge advocate of polygraph. The problem is whether the spouse is receptive to such demand. Many variables play into it. If OP feels strongly that it is counter-productive, then that's that. But, it is nonethless a very strong and effective tool in drawing out the truth.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I'm not ready for a polygraph yet. In my case I don't think it would be productive unless she admitted to a little something but denied maybe a full blown affair. Something like that where she said she wanted to work things out and she professed to having told all. In that case the polygraph could be a tool to get back to trust.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

There is also the possibility that she may have had a ONS, felt extremely guilty about it, ended contact with OM and chose to commit herself to working on herself to be a better wife.

If she likes to drink on occasion, one day you may want to take the opportunity to make probing questions once she has one too many drinks. It is amazing how much people can reveal once they are under the influence of booze.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

My husband had a brief but intense EA that I found out about quite a while after it was over. I found out a year ago yesterday about the affair, and am still struggling to get past it. Sometimes I think maybe it would have better if I did not find out, then I would not have had to go through all of the pain I have dealt with, and am still dealing with. But deep down, I know that if I had not found out, it would have been there, always just under the surface in his mind. So in the long run, whether we make it or not, it is better that I found out.


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