# Not another porn post (felt it was warrented though)



## russi (Jul 30, 2013)

Hello

I have been through many pages of this site seeing if any posts or problems were similar to mine. I didn't see any, so I decided to create a new post. If there are previous known discussions I missed, please point me in the right direction. Now, I suppose, on to my situation.

I'm 23, my husband is 28. We have been married six years, and we have a five year old daughter. We've had problems with pornography for the entirety of our marriage. Before we married, his friends warned me that he's "really f***ing weird", and even his mother told me that there are some things I need to be strong about, but I brushed it aside. We lived for about a year without phones or internet, so our first year was spent dealing with finances, jobs, things like that.

Then we moved and got these resources, and that's when the problems began. I should point out that I have no problems with the idea of pornography. It doesn't make me feel unloved, or unattractive, or anything if it's used as a supplement. But my husband... well...

A few examples. Once he was supposed to be watching our daughter while I napped to help recover from an illness. I found when I woke up that he had spent the entire two hours I was asleep looking at pornography while our one year old sat strapped in a highchair about ten feet away from him. Another: While I was pregnant with our second child I found that the reason our marriage had been feeling so broken was that he was spending about four to eight hours a day, every day, looking at porn, amassing about 300gb of it in about two months, send me and our daughter out of the house in 90+ degree weather to run errands and have family time while he stayed home to view for hours. Spending hours looking at it at work, hiding for an hour or more every day in a port a potty for weeks straight. About four times I've had to tell him I'm uncomfortable with the smut images he sets as his phones wallpaper. And when I bring up things I'm uncomfortable with, he says he doesn't understand why I'm upset, or that I don't make sense, then keeps doing it. Spending hours looking for nude all female fighting games after I ask him to stop. Things like this.

I should now mention that while I'm okay with pornography, I have my limits. I'm tired of how it interferes with our marriage, but also, I'm very uncomfortable by what he looks at. He likes the Japanese drawings of it (hentai). But... it's never of people having sex. I'm talking about gigabytes upon gigabytes of vomit porn, scat, bestiality, fetal porn... Soooo much that I'm sick of it. And, always, 100% Japanese women, or Japanese "art".

My problem is that we've had so many problems with it, he's sick of having to talk about. So now he's really aggressive and dismissive of it. For example, I talked with him about how I'm uncomfortable with him looking at it in public tonight. This came up because I saw that he had looked at it while out of the house. He said "Sometimes I just want to look at t*ts, it shouldn't be any of my business" and "what, so everything outside of this house is public?" (he was sitting in a Starbucks when he viewed). Whenever I bring up something I'm uncomfortable with (large amounts saved, looking at it as a hobby, more than two hours spent looking at it, extreme depictions of unsexual acts, etc) it turns into an argument because he greets my concern with "You're psychotic" and "Stop being such a ***** about it". But if he doesn't want to talk about it because it comes up so much, yet he keeps doing things I've told him time and time again I'm really not okay with, what am I supposed to do? He says he's trying, but am I supposed to say nothing if I've told him no apps on his phone to look for it because every time he does that he saves 8+ gigs of it in less than a week and spends all his free time looking through them, and he goes and downloads more apps? How many "slip ups" and "mistakes" are just that, and how many am I supposed to deal with?

Recently he broke his foot, and I asked that for the next month or two he not look at porn, just so we don't have any added stresses and arguments, and because when he wants to withdraw is when the excessive activities seem to start. He said okay, and then it exploded again (2+ hours at 2am on a work night, downloading 20 videos in one night, etc). Then we were having arguments. Then he started hiding it, which caused more arguments. He said he was sorry, and that he knew he needed to work on it, please don't leave, believe in him. Then that day he began looking at it everyday for hours at work. Which of course led to more arguments. Then after all that (about two months) he said that everything that happened was my fault, that it was unreasonable for me to ever ask him to not look at porn, and that if I had never done that nothing bad would have happened.

I guess what I am trying to figure out, is it something that is "none of my business"? Are the problems I'm having my fault? I'm starting to feel crazy, and I know that if only I could be okay with it I would have a happy marriage. Is it me? Is it something I should seek help about? I feel so disrespected, that I can't be not okay with anything, and if I say that I am it either starts an argument, or he says okay then just does it anyways... I don't know. Is there anything I should be doing to make my marriage better?

Thanks for reading this, I know it's long.


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## ohno (Jul 11, 2013)

T-H-E-R-A-P-Y This is a sick puppy and he is lucky you have hung in there this long. Going by your side, you are in no way wrong. wtf is fetal porn? NM I don't wanna know. I am married with kids and my porn viewing is incredibly discrete, and I have nightmares of my kids somehow cracking my windows profile and looking through my browser history. My wife sometimes participates (she picks what we watch), and if she doesn't participate for a few days I try to back off because I am not trying to isolate my sex life from her. FFS that is something that should be shared. I say this as a "regular guy who looks at porn". 

Your husband sounds like a sex addict. He needs therapy. I do not think it is worse than a sex addiction, and the reason he looks at that wack stuff is because a person who looks at a lot of porn tends to look at harder and harder material to get stimulated. 

In a nutshell- he needs therapy. You are a good person for trying to help him.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

He knows at the end of the day you will still be there.

That he can neglect your sex life, children marraige and job, and quite frankly risk losing his job over porn, and you will still be there.

It will never ever change, he has a serious porn problem, issues with self control and terrible boundaries. He does not care if he hurts you, his wife, who he's supposed to love and Cherish. 

There are some great resources online about how porn can damage a relationship and sex life. 

You need counselling. Work out what your boundaries are, and be willing to lose him, because if you are not willing to lose him, he has the upper hand. 

Make him be the one afraid that he is losing you and his family.

Good luck.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Wow strapped a child in a high chair for 2 hours? I don't care about any of the other crap I would be gone. That's child abuse and anyone capable of that is not worth it. He needs to be by himself away from children. I don't normally encourage divorce but in this case I'm for it.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I agree with LittleDeer and Fembot and have nothing more to add, other than seek counseling for yourself asap. You can't afford to tolerate this sort of behaviour - particularly when there are children involved.


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

Your situation sounds somewhat similar to my DW friends situation. Her husband was into the same kind of stuff you mention. It got so bad between them. That he took to renting a storage unit to participate in his 'hobby'. 
Things only came to a head when he started to take an interest in her daughter from a previous relationship. 
Needless to say they are now divorced. 
There was no amount of therapy that would have fixed that relationship. He was ill and refused to get or want help.


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## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

You need to get yourself and especially your children away from him NOW


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He either needs to agree to go to therapy or you need to start planning an exit strategy for you and your kids.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> He knows at the end of the day you will still be there.


Yeah, LittleDeer fingered the problem. Until you impose consequences, nothing will change. If he can't admit to the self-evident then there's no point. 

His own mother gave the right advice on setting boundaries. So... ultimatum time. :2gunsfiring_v1:


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Some disclaimers:

1. I also see nothing wrong with porn. In fact I think that sometimes it can even strengthen a marriage.

2. I regularly look at porn, although from the sound of it, probably only 10% as much as your husband does (and I'm still accused of being a "porn addict").

3. I see nothing at all wrong with him looking at naked women while at Starbuck's. 

*HOWEVER*, even I see that this guy has serious problems, and you shouldn't remain married unless he makes some dramatic changes in his life. 

But the problem is more of an obsession thing, rather than a porn thing. For example, I've seen other threads where the wife was upset because the husband spent all his free time playing poker/hanging with his parents/working for his Church, etc, and he was ignoring his wife and children. I don't see this situation as fundamentally any different than those.

The solution is the same too. You have to set some kind of boundary here, because his obsession is interfering with your own life. Maybe not give it up entirely, but cut back on it. If he can't do that, then you need to try marriage counseling. If he won't even go along with that, then you need to start packing your bags. I know that sounds harsh, but right now you are not in a marriage. He is married to his hobby instead.

However, asking him to stop looking at porn cold turkey when his foot was broken was a mistake. You want him to be bored out of his mind right when he can't walk around anywhere? It would be no different if you asked him to give up TV during that time. It's not realistic. It's better just to ask him to cut it down instead. 

BTW, does he have a job? If even half of what you said here is true, I'm amazed that he can remain employed.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

That is bull****. 

Many things can become unhealthy and an addiction. When a person starts obsessing with a certain behavior and it takes away from their real life - that is a problem.

Your husband has a problem. A big one. One that causes him to neglect his family. Don't let him convince you otherwise. 

And really - you were married at 17?


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

Your approach right now is ineffective and actually worse than useless because it is causing growing resentment between you.

He has an addiction. The only way he will change is if you threaten to leave him and MEAN BUSINESS. I.e. give him a fair time-frame by which he has to get clean, if he relapses thereafter, separate. Tell him you will help him get clean, but that if he wants to keep your marriage this is something he MUST DO and MUST SUCCEED AT. Otherwise HE WILL CERTAINLY LOSE YOU. Make it as clear to him as I am to you here.

Otherwise you will just have to accept him the way he is, which will probably be next to impossible for you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The fact that he does it around the children is disturbing and neglect/sexual abuse.

As a teacher, and a student told me something similar about dad watching porn or sex movies, etc, while they are in the room, I'd be mandated to report it.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Agree with Jasel. The situation sounds completely intolerable- I would never, ever live with that and would not want my kids around that behavior. 

Him telling you it's none of your business, etc. is total gaslighting bullsh!t.

I had an ex-boyfriend who became obsessed with searching for and watching videos of particular fetishes and eventually only wanted to take part in a very limited number of these acts in the bedroom. We started out with amazing chemistry, but his actions completely ruined our sex life. I had no intention of spending years trying to get him to fix it or convince him that- gee, maybe my needs mattered too. He was an adult and he made his choices. So did I. Sayonara.

He will not change this at all unless he admits it's a huge problem in his life and seeks intense counseling. Sounds like that's not anywhere on the horizon at this point. Life is just too short to live like you have been. I'm sure you want a real partner and a real relationship, and you should have that.

Start planning your exit strategy now, even if he agrees to work on the issue, so that if and when you decide to leave, you'll have your ducks in a row.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> 3. I see nothing at all wrong with him looking at naked women while at Starbuck's.


I've never read the entire user agreement for using Starbucks Wifi, but - there may indeed be something in there about what activities it should or shouldn't be used for. So Starbucks may have reserved the right to kick you out for it. Even if not, they may anyway if someone else complains, particularly someone sitting nearby with children. 

The short of it is, he seems basically incapable of doing anything else. He plans his entire life and worse you and your child's life around porn. He ignores your child to watch porn, he cannot go somewhere in public without needing porn. He's willing to hide in a port o potty to view porn. He's risking his employment to view porn at work. He's angry, defensive, and dismissive when discussing it - I'd say it's official - this is an obsession. 

Which, I'm guessing likely isn't going to be cleared up without professional intervention IE - counseling, both marriage and likely individual as well. Check who is covered by your insurance and look into making an appointment, tell him that attending is mandatory to your marriage continuing. 

Also - how did he break his foot? He isn't drinking while he's home on his porn bonanzas as well, is he?

And, please, please use birth control - don't have a third child with this man until you figure this all out.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Looking at naked women while at Starbucks is creepy. There is a time and place for everything. I don't need to be sitting with my wife and kids drinking coffee and see a guy looking at Juggs online for anyone to see. I have zero problem with porn but somethings are better left in the privacy of your own home. This OP husband got serious problems.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

do you want to struggle with this the rest of your marriage?

if not start an exit plan!

your still very young. start thinking about dealing with this as long as your with him. Even if he get therapy he will have relaspes. people usualy don't change. 

my advice is to cut your losses and find someone who isn't into cartoon porn,beastiality, vomit and who know what!


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## russi (Jul 30, 2013)

Hello again, thank you for all your replies and advice.

I feel that there are some things I should clarify. In no way am I trying to make excuses, but the extreme examples are partially isolated events. In our relationship we've been through the really bad experiences about five or six times; when it's felt completely out of control. I'd say that 70-80% of our marriage he's been present, and uses pornography in a way I've felt comfortable with. However, I do see it getting worse over time. Viewing outside of the house has never been a problem until this past year. Things like that. Ever since the time he left our daughter to view it, it has never come up again. No, that doesn't make it okay at all, but it's not a constant ongoing problem. It's just terrifying that he's capable of making such poor choices in how to use it.

I have set boundaries. After the incident in November/December of last year, we sat down and talked about everything. I laid down exactly what it is I don't want to see happen ever again. To name a few (and there's not too many)... Not outside of the house, no apps to browse for it, no explosive collections (large amounts of material accumulated in a very short period of time), not when we haven't been even remotely intimate for more than two or so weeks, and certain specific acts or themes that I'm really uncomfortable with. I think that that covers most of what I've asked of him. Some things are just in place while I wait for him to start therapy (more on that in a few paragraphs), some would be okay in a healthy relationship. But it seems like boundaries have made things worse. We'll be okay, then later that week he'll download apps to browse for it on his phone. I ask why, explain to him that it's something he agreed not to do, end of discussion. Then the next week I'll look for a picture on his phone or something, and see that he downloaded 100+ pornographic material in three days, all while at work. I bring it up, he apologizes, then next week it's another thing going against what I've asked. After a few weeks or months of this I'll sit him down and say that I'm worried and hurt that my boundaries and me are being disrespected, and then the big argument starts. I'm sexually repressing him, I can't let anything go, I'll never be okay with pornography, that he just agreed to something to make me happy, that he hates me, that he doesn't want to look at my face anymore. Then after apologies and a short period of time of everything looking promising we start it all over again. I have two voices in my head, and one says "This is ridiculous, and you don't deserve this kind of disrespect," then the other one will say "Well, are you asking too much? Maybe you are disrespecting him and putting too many expectations on him." I have no idea what I'm doing, tbh.

I did research into everything, and I found that I see a lot of symptoms of what I now believe is behavioral addiction. Right now he's trying to make a change in his work, and therapy will possibly disqualify him for the position he wants. So he and I are waiting until he gets the position before he starts therapy. But he agrees that it's something that he can't make good choices with a lot, and he doesn't understand why, and that he believes he needs outside help.

He's in the military. He says that lots of people look at porn at work. The two voices go at it again... "wtf, all the other kids are allowed to, why can't he?" and "well, maybe it's not such a big deal, why exactly do you have a problem with it?"

We only have one child, I miscarried at around 10wks with my second pregnancy. I immediately went on birth control, I too believe that I have a responsibility to not bring another child into this relationship (with brings up another whirlwind of concerns. What marriage is a marriage when the wife is afraid of and borderline disgusted by the idea of having a child with her husband? That kind of thing).

He broke his foot jumping off of a trampoline. We both do consume alcohol from time to time, but I don't see that at all being fuel to the flames, so to speak.

We got married one week before my 18th birthday.

One more thing I think, and that is that I have left before. We worked through things, and I returned, and things were good for about six to nine months. Then again with the downward descent. So now I really do feel like it's therapy or divorce. And I've told him as much. I've told him that (because if it is behavioral addiction, it will be much more difficult for him to control, and I feel I should be understanding of that) we can work through mistakes and oversights, but if I'm met with hostility or resistance about a clear overstepping of previously agreed upon boundaries, I'm done. Now that that is the exact situation, I just... it's such a ridiculous thing to end a marriage over, especially if he is interested in therapy and feels he needs it. I mean, I've never had a problem with anything. He's never gone out at all hours of the night (I asked why he never goes out with friends to a bar when they invite him, he says bars are dumb and expensive, and he'd rather be home with his family), he's never laid a hand on me in any way, before recently he's never been verbally abusive, even though I'm a housewife he's never had a problem with me managing the finances and having a say in every financial decision, he praises me often... except during the bad times. It's almost like I'm married to two different people. I'm just so very confused.

Sorry again for the lengthy response. I appreciate every response very much, I honestly expecting to be berated for being so controlling, I feel like a horrible person and the cause of a lot of the problems most of the time, and it colors how I feel about my situation and how I feel other people view it. I also apologize if my response is hard to follow and scattered, I am trying to respond to all the inquiries and comments, and my thoughts are hard to organize recently


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## Oldmatelot (Mar 28, 2011)

That is a long and detailed reply. 
Having recently retired from the military I can understand the mentality behind pornography. But trust me its not the norm. Not everyone is doing it. Something is wrong with his work situation. I think he should get the help before he even considers promotion. He is ill. It will be far worse if he is promoted then let's the military down because of his addiction. 
Personally I would hang the bastard if his situation came across my desk. 
I by far admire a man who has the guts to admit he has a problem than someone who hides it and tries to deceive me. 

He needs help, hell you both do. I wish you the best.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

russi said:


> Hello
> 
> We've had problems with pornography for the entirety of our marriage. Before we married, his friends warned me that he's "really f***ing weird", and even his mother told me that there are some things I need to be strong about, but I brushed it aside.


With that backdrop, I can't imagine he's going to change.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

WEll from my experience dealing with porn issues... They never stop they just hide it better. 

I have no advice for you OP, but you are soooo not alone.

Yes do not get pregnant.. I am pregnant right now and dealing with the same crap and it is nothing new


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## bewilderness (Jun 11, 2013)

He is an addict and you are codependent. 

Eventually, his addiction may escalate to the point where it costs him his job. Worse, if he develops an interest in child pornography (anything to get that first time high), he could go to jail. 

Tell him to seek treatment or you leave. His behavior is abusive, addictive and toxic. 

I hate to think of what this teaches your children about personal boundaries, sexuality, respect, etc. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

russi said:


> Hello
> 
> I have been through many pages of this site seeing if any posts or problems were similar to mine. I didn't see any, so I decided to create a new post. If there are previous known discussions I missed, please point me in the right direction. Now, I suppose, on to my situation.
> 
> ...



It sounds like your hubby has a very high sex drive and is addicted to porn big time. 

I too went through this in my teens and early 20's. It finally subsided in my late 20's to the point I rarely view it anymore. 

All I can say, if he has this very high sex drive, try and meet his needs. That might mean sex 1 - 3x a day. Maybe dress up and do some roleplay and cosplay of the porn he views? Maybe that would get his attention and ween him off the porn and back to you?

This won't be an easy thing to deal with but if he is similar to myself, it should run its course.

Or he has a serious addiction issue and needs help.


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## russi (Jul 30, 2013)

@cuddlebug I am HD as well. I meet him at the door in lingerie when he comes home before our daughter gets home from school. I surprise him with new toys in the bedroom. I give no-strings-attached bjs. I'm into somewhat interesting things in the bedroom (bdsm, etc.). I'm okay with 3x a day, even hope for it sometimes! I'm not sure how much more sexual I can be... its like porn is the path of least effort or resistance for him. completely uninterested when I try to initiate sex with him if he's craving pornography. A complete disconnect between pornography and sex. and when I think of it as something I could do more to prevent when it happens, I think it puts more pressure and blame on me than I deserve, and probably damages the relationship further.

@ladybird normally I could say that it makes me happy to find someone who is going through what I am, but of course in situations like this it's just saddening. All I can say (it's easier to give advice than take it) is that you have to remain confident in yourself. Sometimes there's better paths out there, they just may be more difficult at first. However if the end result is more happiness in yourself and your life, the difficulties are worth it, and makes the resulting happiness more rewarding because of what you had to do to obtain it. At least, that's what I try to tell myself.


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## russi (Jul 30, 2013)

and as for the roleplay... I can't exactly get raped by demons, and I'm definitely not going to vomit or crap on another woman. you know?


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