# Am I the crazy one???



## Gre825 (Feb 5, 2021)

My husband is constantly taking trips without me and I’m typically totally fine and supportive. He recently went on a boys trip for a long weekend and I was happy he had the chance to do it. There is a place I kept mentioning I wanted to go and he always dismissed it as having no interest in going there, yet when his buddy mentioned it last week he decided last minute to go there this week and took 7 days off work. He gave me 48 hours notice he was leaving for a vacation for a week. Since he planned it so last minute I was not able to arrange my work schedule to go too. I tried explaining it doesn’t upset me he goes on trips without me, but it did upset me that he’s been so dismissive of this destination when I have mentioned wanting to go for years, yet he decided to go when it was convenient for him. His response was basically why should he suffer if I had the option to come but couldn’t because I have to work. We don’t have kids yet, just dogs, so of course I am on dog duty while he is off having fun for a week. It’s hard for me not to resent him. When I tried calmly explaining why I’m upset he starts yelling and makes me feel crazy and ungrateful and tries bringing up places he took me a year ago as reasons I’m ridiculous to be upset and that I should be grateful for places I went with him a year ago. I just wish he would try to understand my perspective. When he called me today I was visibily upset and mentioned it’s hard for me to be excited for him when I’ve been working all day and that place was something I’ve been talking about for years and really wanted to visit. I told him I honestly just didn’t feel like talking and then he started yelling calling me crazy and hung up on me. Never tried to reach back out after that. I’m truly wondering if I’m in the wrong, yet I also feel like he manipulates me into always being the crazy controlling wife. I know being controlling and jealous is not in my nature- I hate how he never acknowledges my feelings. He is always calling me crazy and unreasonable and the thing is he makes me feel like I am. Any advice???


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You're married to an asshole.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think he totally dismissed and disrespected you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

SO, get a group of YOUR friends together, and go to the place YOU wanted to go without him.
Don't even mention it until the day before. I bet HE wouldn't like that would he?
He wants to live the single life, and have "the little wifey" sitting at home taking care of the dogs and the "regular stuff".
It's BS and you shouldn't tolerate it.
I'd tell him the solo trips STOP. He is married and he better remember it.
YOU need to think about your boundaries while he is gone, figure out what you want from now on, tell him about them, and in YOUR head, if he violates them again, what are the repercussions?

He is super manipulative and dismissive -- you are not wrong feeling the way you do.


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

He sounds selfish and self-centered and is basically a man-child...I had an ex that pulled the "why should I suffer" crap...it's total b.s...don't tolerate it! IMHO a husband that yells that I'm crazy needs to go!

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## hillybilly2785 (Dec 29, 2019)

He’s gaslighting you. Plain and simple. Sounds like a narcissist.
It’s a sh*tty tactic to make you doubt yourself and sounds like it’s working.
I personally have never known a narcissist who has been able (more like willing) to realize they’re the problem and want to change.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I had the exact same problem early in my marriage. Never liked doing what I did, weekends doing his own thing, if someone suddenly mentioned something I liked that I’d asked him to do with me, he was suddenly all over it. If I bought it up, he behaved the same way as yours does. I didn’t control him, he was a free man. Sometimes he wouldn’t even eat a certain food until someone else liked it and recommended it to him!

What changed? Eventually his friends settled down with women who actually were controlling, and started to express to their husbands they didn’t think they should be seeing so much of my husband. So a coffee with the men usually became stressful because the other wives would be ringing to tell them to come home! His social life did dry up quite a bit and he did start to come home and discuss the other issues in his friend’s marriages and slowly started being a little more grateful.

What also helped was for me to recognise that I really was giving too much and waiting around and letting other things slip. None of this was to teach him a lesson or anything like that, like the poster above suggested, I just became more active socially & it was so good for me. We found so much more to talk about. I changed other things, like for example, he always wanted me to sit next to him after dinner and watch tv. But honestly, sometimes I really did have housework piling up, so I’d say, no thanks, I’m too busy tonight.

He did not like that at first, no way!! He got very huffy. But as I said, these were early days and nothing I did really changed him, I just let it go and put some focus on myself.

Something else I changed, if he called me crazy I would agree with him and say, ‘you’re right’ and carry on doing what I was doing. 😄


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Where do you live that there's not a pandemic going on that he can travel 
safely somewhere for a week with someone outside his household?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

A man in love plans trips to cool places with his lady, and doesn’t want to be without her.
How long have you been married?
He’s getting angry because he feels guilty since he knows what he’s doing is selfishly not including you. Most men spend their vacation week with their wife whom they want to spend time with. 
Men do like to do things with their buddies, but this is pretty odd if it’s a tourist place and he doesn’t care to have his lover with him. 
Whats the physical aspect of your relationship like? Something definitely smells here.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

If you plan to stay with him then plan on taking your own vacations, although given his unwillingness to spend time with you I'm thinking there are major problems here.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Keep the dogs. Get rid of the husband.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If you are trying to tell your husband about your feelings and he then gets defensive and yells at you.... this is 100% not ok. This is super toxic behavior. How can you be with someone that won’t even let you talk, that you can’t get comforted by when your upset? 

He is a crazy maker. He Absolutely will make you crazy If this keeps going on.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> If you are trying to tell your husband about your feelings and he then gets defensive and yells at you.... this is 100% not ok. This is super toxic behavior. How can you be with someone that won’t even let you talk, that you can’t get comforted by when your upset?
> 
> He is a crazy maker. He Absolutely will make you crazy If this keeps going on.


Exactly. So do the exact opposite - don’t question your sanity and don’t let him see that he can ruffle your feathers. Do everything differently to what you’ve done so far. You know that expressing your feelings leads to being called crazy, act like you just don’t care. It will help you so much in the long run. Have a chuckle to yourself and say ‘yes I am crazy to put up with this’ and move forward. There’s fun to be had in having your own life, not being available and not reacting.

How old are you both by the way? How does he feel about you putting yourself first, or having a social life? Does he sabotage events in subtle ways and expect special treatment from you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Gre825, any updates?


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

Gre825 said:


> My husband is constantly taking trips without me and I’m typically totally fine and supportive. He recently went on a boys trip for a long weekend and I was happy he had the chance to do it. There is a place I kept mentioning I wanted to go and he always dismissed it as having no interest in going there, yet when his buddy mentioned it last week he decided last minute to go there this week and took 7 days off work. He gave me 48 hours notice he was leaving for a vacation for a week. Since he planned it so last minute I was not able to arrange my work schedule to go too. I tried explaining it doesn’t upset me he goes on trips without me, but it did upset me that he’s been so dismissive of this destination when I have mentioned wanting to go for years, yet he decided to go when it was convenient for him. His response was basically why should he suffer if I had the option to come but couldn’t because I have to work. We don’t have kids yet, just dogs, so of course I am on dog duty while he is off having fun for a week. It’s hard for me not to resent him. When I tried calmly explaining why I’m upset he starts yelling and makes me feel crazy and ungrateful and tries bringing up places he took me a year ago as reasons I’m ridiculous to be upset and that I should be grateful for places I went with him a year ago. I just wish he would try to understand my perspective. When he called me today I was visibily upset and mentioned it’s hard for me to be excited for him when I’ve been working all day and that place was something I’ve been talking about for years and really wanted to visit. I told him I honestly just didn’t feel like talking and then he started yelling calling me crazy and hung up on me. Never tried to reach back out after that. I’m truly wondering if I’m in the wrong, yet I also feel like he manipulates me into always being the crazy controlling wife. I know being controlling and jealous is not in my nature- I hate how he never acknowledges my feelings. He is always calling me crazy and unreasonable and the thing is he makes me feel like I am. Any advice???


First, you stole the title for the thread I'm about to post. ;-)

NO. You are not crazy. He is a selfish asshole and indifferent to your feelings and uses hostility and gas lighting to keep you feeling off balance and insecure when he's the one being a ****.

My advice? Do one of two things -- or both:

1. Spend as much time as possible reading up on NARCISSISM and GASLIGHTING while he enjoys his vacation without you to your dream destination. Look on YouTube for tons of great information on narcissism. (I'm pretty sure Narcissist is just a modern day word for asshole.)

2. AND/OR -- get a couple days off work, call in sick if you must, use his credit card if it's costly, and "SURPISE!!!!" him and his buddy on their little "boys" trip. But before you go, prepare yourself emotionally and decide how you will handle it when best case scenario he is NOT excited to see you, and worst case scenario you find him naked with some woman and his guy friend is nowhere around.

I'm really sorry. NO, YOU are not crazy. You're being neglected and it hurts.


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## Trustless Marriage (Mar 1, 2021)

Have you ever watched cheaters? They typically have the spouse call the other as part of the show while they are with their "other" partner to show that they are lying. Anyways - what you wrote I hear all the time from these men who try to manipulate these women into thinking they are crazy and that everything is fine when in fact it's just the opposite. So I wouldn't be surprised something is going on.


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