# Eureka!!



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

> (DEEJO)You think being loving, physically affectionate, accommodating, and expressive should be the very things that drive her wild for you ... and they aren't. Same thing happened with me. Same thing has been reported on these boards by dozens of guys


change the noun from him to her and you got me and it.not.working.for.me. Being this way doesnt get me devotion, nonsexual touches, sweet little ****ing notes, texts during the day saying hes thinking about me. You would think it would but it doesnt. Dressing up and looking pretty doesnt get me a , gee honey you sure look nice today. I raise these kids to be smart, respectful, can take them anywhere and they know how to act, kind of kids

I really think the problem is he never had to work for me. I just gave all I had and hoped for the same in return. **** his brain out when ever he wants, blow job? not a ****ing problem, i got you. I feel like im just "here" and im so tired.

some of you work so.damn.hard for an affection word, sex, appreciation a kind look and I give that **** away for free!!!

So help me out here guys. should i be a *****, hang out in clubs, leave him alone with the kids all the time, go for girls weekends every month, trips without him..WTF man.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

janesmith said:


> I really think the problem is he never had to work for me. I just gave all I had and hoped for the same in return.


Bingo.

Would give you the same advice I give to guys. Look for ways to feel fulfilled outside of the scope of your marriage.

The important thing is, what you are choosing to do, shouldn't be about spite.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Makes sense - but no one is telling the guys to go out to bars and scam on chicks, or lie to their wives, or hang out at strip clubs.

Find reasonable ways to be less available - ideally while you are working on yourself.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Bingo.
> 
> Would give you the same advice I give to guys. Look for ways to feel fulfilled outside of the scope of your marriage.
> 
> *The important thing is, what you are choosing to do, shouldn't be about spite*.


I wouldnt know how to do this without spite. I think im happy when im "happy" but it is so fragile and tenuous because underneath my "happy" is "royally pissed off". I just stuffs it and stuff it until i blow up about some dumb **** that doesnt matter. He jokingly says he is not my boy toy but i think he is serioius. I told him its not about sex, i can give myself a nutt. Its becaue there is little affection outside of screwing.

If i make myself unavailable to him (which i have done in the past and he acts like nothing is happening) its because im royally pissed off and to sustain that "unavailability" i have to stay pissed off and i cant do it. Dont get me wrong ive given this dude the royal silent treatment for weeks. but makes me feel like total **** and does.not.move.him

he just walks around like nothing is wrong and im withering inside.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

janesmith said:


> I wouldnt know how to do this without spite. I think im happy when im "happy" but it is so fragile and tenuous because underneath my "happy" is "royally pissed off". I just stuffs it and stuff it until i blow up about some dumb **** that doesnt matter. He jokingly says he is not my boy toy but i think he is serioius. I told him its not about sex, i can give myself a nutt. Its becaue there is little affection outside of screwing.
> 
> If i make myself unavailable to him (which i have done in the past and he acts like nothing is happening) its because im royally pissed off and to sustain that "unavailability" i have to stay pissed off and i cant do it. Dont get me wrong ive given this dude the royal silent treatment for weeks. but makes me feel like total **** and does.not.move.him
> 
> he just walks around like nothing is wrong and im withering inside.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the silent treatment does not work. Being unavailable seems to work better if he can notice you having fun outside, away from him and how you'd like to do it again. However, this is the case with me. When my gf had a fun day with her friends somewhere, it makes me wanna go there with her as well


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Draguna said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe the silent treatment does not work. Being unavailable seems to work better if he can notice you having fun outside, away from him and how you'd like to do it again. However, this is the case with me. When my gf had a fun day with her friends somewhere, it makes me wanna go there with her as well


I do that. I went and got a masters, hang out with friends, took guitar lessons blah blah blah. He.doesnt.care. or he makes me believe he doesnt care by acting like he doesnt care. Then ill find out later that he cared, like its a big ****ing secret for me to know he has feelings. He says "goooooo, have a good time". Feels like it doesnt matter if i am there or not.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

YouTube - The Offspring I Want You Bad Lyrics

Sometimes you just gotta play the game


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> YouTube - The Offspring I Want You Bad Lyrics
> 
> Sometimes you just gotta play the game


lmao ur a total rah-tahd!! I am tattooed, lmao its not working


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hehe I do my best 

Ne ways on a serious note; tattoos alone won't cut it, just withdraw a bit, give him some space, put up a challenge, make him HAVE to work for your affection. That's the only complaint I have in regards to the missus and turning me on, she's just too easy. Don't be easy.

Maybe this will work or maybe it won't but try it; as personally I like to conquer and own, but I like the missus to keep a part of her that I'll never conquer, then regardless I like her to rebel, forcing me to reconquer over and over again. Never gets old for me, but probably because since marriage I've had nothing but the 'good girl' BS. Need her back to her wild bad girl nature from time to time.

Also read this:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/20552-i-want-all-time.html#post235795
My reply on post #6, have a read. I really can't be bothered writing it all up again heh

The thing is: If you have been affectionate and your lover doesn't appreciate it - it's best to withdraw. Think about it "I do this and that, what does he do? Nothing, so forget it!" That's a nice upright posture. Shows you respect yourself as well. Wish the missus realised this.

On the flip side if you haven't been affectionate and your lover has been then sure, it's due time to show some tender loving care - like I've been doing, forcing myself to say nice things which is against my nature (unless after a big fight or after I'm satisfied in bed and all jelly, etc etc)

But a part of me still wishes I never had to go through with the latter, oh well.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

he.wont.work.for.it. Affection is not his love language and right now i dont feel like speaking his cause he aint speaking mine. Im not denying him sex. **** that. im not punishing myself more, lmao

i do plan to take some trips, sans him. i was feeling bad about it but not so much anymore


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

i am totally feeling like a friggin sucker right now....im feeling angry and violent, like i want to hit or kick something. I feel so friggin stupid.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Im not denying him sex. **** that. im not punishing myself more, lmao


Oh come on! lol



> i am totally feeling like a friggin sucker right now....im feeling angry and violent, like i want to hit or kick something. I feel so friggin stupid.


Hate to say it, but use this anger. Then put your foot down, tell yourself you've had enough. Trust me on this, there is such thing as being "too nice", just as there is such a thing as going too far being "bad". This 'nice guy'/'bad boy' thing is not just a bloke thing. 

Don't spoil the one you love - unless they earn it. Listen to the offspring song again, no laughs this time lol 
It's got good lyrics to it. You need a balance in life, embrace both your loving side, and angry side, there's truth in both. In this present situation, become DARTH JANESMITH!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

So if I'm reading right, you think he just doesn't care. Sex or no sex. If you go out or stay home. He's just indifferent.

Do you think he cares about you and the marriage? If not, then what DOES he care about?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i pulled way back on my wife and it kind of helped but not much. it was probable relief for her being the lower drive spouse. me, im left wanting ultimately, but i deal with it


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Same boat I'm in.

Give, give, give, get little to nothing in return.

Not the type of person to hold back and give nothing - as my mama says - two wrongs don't make a right.

Working on myself, taking care of myself - still getting little in return - possibly I expect too much and my expectations are too high - trying to adjust those too.

I could make some guy really happy but unfortunately the only guy I want to make happy is the one that doesn't act like he wants me most of the time.

Go figure! Sometimes I think some type of karma has come back to bite me in the a**.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

janesmith said:


> i am totally feeling like a friggin sucker right now....im feeling angry and violent, like i want to hit or kick something. I feel so friggin stupid.


What were you like when he fell in love with you?


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