# How important is it to want someone with the same parenting style



## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

For instance if I ever wanted a child, a man being in favor of spanking as a disciplinary method would be a deal-breaker for me.

If I have certain deal-breakers such as a man having a sleeping around past, not having goals in life, cheating on someone in the past or being a heavy smoker than is it ok to have ''being a pro-spanker'' on that list too?

I want a man that thinks like me in that aspect if I ever consider having a child. I respect anyone with a different opinion and views towards this matter but I have my own personal views on it too and I don't favor that type of parenting discipline.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

OnlyQueen said:


> For instance if I ever wanted a child, a man being in favor of spanking as a disciplinary method would be a deal-breaker for me.
> 
> If I have certain deal-breakers such as a man having a sleeping around past, not having goals in life, cheating on someone in the past or being a heavy smoker than is it ok to have ''being a pro-spanker'' on that list too?
> 
> I want a man that thinks like me in that aspect if I ever consider having a child. I respect anyone with a different opinion and views towards this matter but I have my own personal views on it too and I don't favor that type of parenting discipline.


I think that would depend on how strongly your views are. If it is a true deal breaker, then you need to find someone who has that same view. 

I will say this though. Before having kids, I thought I was going to be "this" kind of parent, one who wouldn't let them watch tv, no spanking, no doing x, y, and z, etc. That changed after I had my son and I had to rethink how to parent him. The perfect parent I was in my head was different from reality. I used spanking as a tool to make an association of pain with the danger of running into the street, as an example. I could tell my son over and over again to not run into the street, but my son is very strong willed and rarely listens. I wasn't willing to risk his safety, so I changed my ideas a bit on parenting. "Never say never" is I guess what I'm getting at, to a certain extent.


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## OnlyQueen (Oct 19, 2013)

My views are strong when it comes to parents using a belt on a child that's within an age where you can talk to him/her and they're not exactly toddlers but children. I don't think a belt should ever even exist as a spanking tool.
I think that since I'm coming from an hispanic background where that was done on me as a small kid by my father and in frustration most of the times (there was a time I got ridiculously spanked with a belt for not understanding my 2nd grade math homework and if I got the wrong answer), I've grown up to feel some resentment towards him and disgust towards it. My feeling are so intense to the point I don't want to repeat that on a child.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It was a deal-breaker for me. Your children are your family and I pretty much think that both parents need to be on the same page. Otherwise, you run the very distinct possibility that one of the parents will develop resentment over the use, or non-use, of corporal punishment. The family ought not to be a constant adversarial environment.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

OnlyQueen said:


> My views are strong when it comes to parents using a belt on a child that's within an age where you can talk to him/her and they're not exactly toddlers but children. I don't think a belt should ever even exist as a spanking tool.
> I think that since I'm coming from an hispanic background where that was done on me as a small kid by my father and in frustration most of the times (there was a time I got ridiculously spanked with a belt for not understanding my 2nd grade math homework and if I got the wrong answer), I've grown up to feel some resentment towards him and disgust towards it. My feeling are so intense to the point I don't want to repeat that on a child.


It's not even legal to use a belt or anything else on a child. All you can do is an open hand swat to the rear end for spanking. 

My husband is Hispanic and was hit with a belt as well, but no one is allowed to do anything similar to that by law. I really doubt anyone would see that as okay. I saw a kid the other day with welt marks/bruises on his lower back from getting hit and I reported the incident. That is very different from simple spanking, which would never leave a mark. As with just about everything else, parenting is something that should be discussed before getting married. There is no such thing as a 'prefect' match, as you won't ever agree on everything with someone else, but you do want to agree on major points.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Definitely communicate your values. Also realize they could change.

Terrible about the way you were "disciplined," if that can be called discipline. Of course kids are going to make mistakes when they are learning.

I think it takes a lot of patience and persistence not to resort to spanking or yelling or other punishments when parenting. Rewards have their dangers, too.

There is a book that talks about how to parent without rewards or punishments that you might like: _Kids Are Worth It!_, by Barbara Coloroso.


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