# H who's depressed/angry. I just want peace.



## confused*unsure (Jul 5, 2013)

We've been married for 13 years and we have two kids. Boy-13 and girl-4. got married right out of high school. I've been trying to make it work for a very long time. Here are the reasons why I'm to the point that I'm at in our relationship. (Btw, he knows I'm not happy, we've discussed divorce and he knows that I'm not fully vested in this relationship working, but says that our kids need both of us and I can't be both parents.) 

Okay, here we go: He's angry, emotionally abusive, the world isn't worth living in, everyone is f'ed up (everyone!), only scum make it in this world, when i try to get our kids to do what he is asking he yells at me and says our kids don't respect him because of me, he's never had a "good day", lazy and tired, drinks heavily (has tried to slow down), has been suicidal on 2-3 different occassions, puts our kids down to me and in front of them, makes fun of people right in front of them, and most of all, we don't agree on how to address our kids, how to raise them (he thinks so much is a "big deal" and just don't think they are. I think he needs to back off.), and he relies on my to take care of almost everything.

Good thing: He wants to be better at drinking and helping out around the house and has, he wants good things for his kids, he loves me, but i'm not sure he knows what that really means, he cares about taking care of his family financially, we do get along when the kids aren't envolved and he can stay out of the dark side of his brain.

Me, I'm such a positive, optomistic and outgoing person, caring, patient and giving. Of course I have my faults, but these are the areas about me that become negatively impacted when he goes into one or all of his rants and tears.

I've just been beaten down and I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel, I'm scared my kids are going to hate him or at least my son, don't think I'm ever going to experience peace in my own home and that's the one thing that I demand out of my life. I need love, happiness, fun and family. No it doesn't have to be all day everyday, but the majority of down time would be nice.

It's always, "I'll be happier if this happens...when this happens...". But I don't believe it. I'm afraid that I'm always going to be miserable and angry too. But I also wonder, if I am on my own, will I be putting myself in a depressed state of mind? Am I forcing the happiness that I do have out of self-preservation? 

Does anyone have any positive and constructive advise for my perdicament? I think I'm ready to pull the trigger, but I just don't know where I stand on the relationship charts. Thanks!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Confused, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you're being emotionally abused by your H. Some of the behaviors you describe -- e.g., temper tantrums, blame-shifting, and repeated suicide threats -- are those associated with a personality disorder. Yet, if that is the case, you would have seen the red flags starting right after the wedding, if not sooner. PD traits do not disappear for years at a time and then surface toward the end of a 13 year marriage. I therefore ask whether you saw such warning signs all through your marriage, occurring perhaps every two or three weeks? I also ask whether your H had a rough childhood, particularly before the age of five? Finally, does he seem to be emotionally unstable, i.e, is he easily triggered into flipping in a few seconds from loving you to devaluing you?


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## mgtowman (Jun 1, 2013)

1. You have been married for 13 years.
2. You got married right out of high school.
3. You have a boy who is 13 years old.

So not only did you get married right out of high school you also had a child right out of high school.........I have to ask myself...."Who in their right mind would ever do that in this day and age?".

The reason your husband is verbally abusive, gets drunk, and is bitter towards the world, and has attempted suicide is because he is trapped in a life he hates. He knows he married too young and he will never be free of the trap he walked himself into.

Your husband knows his current predicament was totally avoidable and he hates himself for it. All of his actions are clearly a result of self-hated and have nothing to do with what you are doing, or are not doing.

The divorce statics for teen aged marriages are extraordinarily high for a reason.............you both should have been working on pursuing higher educations or learning skilled trades instead of playing house and making babies before you were even close to being ready.......

And you will end up divorced......and you will be adding to the statistics which say "Do Not Get Married When You Are a Teenager".....


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## Logitex (Jul 5, 2013)

Intresting.. you sounds like my mom. 

Ill cut to the chase. My dad is going in for surgery for bladder cancer monday and I couldnt care less. Im done with him and my mom (Who went crazy later in life.) 

Thing i learned from talking about my parents with a psychologist. I told him that my dad used to call my mom a "fat B1tch" yup. did it right in front of my wife once too (on accident) My dad resorts to personal attacks when he is angry. Thing is he isnt a drinker either (his father was an alcoholic apparently and violent. He saw that and swore to never drink) I dont drink either but only because it gives me headaches. 

when I told my psychologist about the personal attacks he said.. really quickly after I tried to defend my dad "Oh he probably doesnt hvae good coping skills so he probably lashes out at my mom because he is frustrated and cannot express himself appropriately" 

he said.. unequivocally "That type of mental abuse is NEVER ok under any circumstance." 

It kinda floored me. Sounds like your husband has a myriad of problems. Doesnt like anyone and actively shows disdain for anyone? Wow... 

My parents have been married for 40+ years however. Outwardly however the relationship isnt one I would want. That is for sure. Ive never raised my hand to my wife (I know that seems asinine even saying that) and I hvae NEVER resorted to personal attacks or name calling. Ive NEVER put my kids down either. Im their father and I am supposed to guide them. Not berate them.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

confused*unsure said:


> We've been married for 13 years and we have two kids. Boy-13 and girl-4. got married right out of high school. I've been trying to make it work for a very long time. Here are the reasons why I'm to the point that I'm at in our relationship. (Btw, he knows I'm not happy, we've discussed divorce and he knows that I'm not fully vested in this relationship working, but says that our kids need both of us and I can't be both parents.)
> 
> Okay, here we go: He's angry, emotionally abusive, the world isn't worth living in, everyone is f'ed up (everyone!), only scum make it in this world, when i try to get our kids to do what he is asking he yells at me and says our kids don't respect him because of me, he's never had a "good day", lazy and tired, drinks heavily (has tried to slow down), has been suicidal on 2-3 different occassions, puts our kids down to me and in front of them, makes fun of people right in front of them, and most of all, we don't agree on how to address our kids, how to raise them (he thinks so much is a "big deal" and just don't think they are. I think he needs to back off.), and he relies on my to take care of almost everything.
> 
> ...


Confused,

I'm sorry you're here. Your story sounds a lot like mine, except that I'm older and should be wiser, by now! Emotional abuse is still abuse. I understand completely when you say that he loves you. My husband loves me, as well. That doesn't keep him from berating me and our children and making me feel generally like crap. I don't deserve that, and neither do you.

I would suggest that you have a very frank conversation with him and let him know that this behavior is not okay. Try to at least get him into marriage counseling. You could both probably stand individual counseling, as well. You need a safe place to vent your frustrations. You might even speak with you son and see if he might want a "safe" person to talk with, as well.

I wish you the very best.

Mattsmom


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