# Moving into friendship?



## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

I have a question for the men if that's ok? I turned 40 this year and noticed I suddenly became invisible to men. I understand men have a reflexive unconscious visual response to something that attracts their eyes (shape, hair, movement, youth etc). I used to find this glancing frequently and while it made me somewhat uncomfortable now it has stopped I have one concern. I couldn't care less about other men but if they don't find me remotely viscerally attractive but rather invisible (I haven't put on weight or got major wrinkles or anything) is it possible for a husband to still have a genuine visceral attraction to his wife if it's not validated anywhere else? Or are we going to be on the path to friendship only now? I know it seems like a silly question but I don't want to make a fool of myself dressing up or acting sexy when he might no longer find me instinctively attractive. Although it hurts to know the possibility I'd rather know the truth. For a woman being attractive to your spouse is pretty important since so many marriage books go on about it. What do you think guys? Thanks.


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## texasoutlaw82 (Dec 27, 2013)

Makel01 said:


> I have a question for the men if that's ok? I turned 40 this year and noticed I suddenly became invisible to men. I understand men have a reflexive unconscious visual response to something that attracts their eyes (shape, hair, movement, youth etc). I used to find this glancing frequently and while it made me somewhat uncomfortable now it has stopped I have one concern. I couldn't care less about other men but if they don't find me remotely viscerally attractive but rather invisible (I haven't put on weight or got major wrinkles or anything) is it possible for a husband to still have a genuine visceral attraction to his wife if it's not validated anywhere else? Or are we going to be on the path to friendship only now? I know it seems like a silly question but I don't want to make a fool of myself dressing up or acting sexy when he might no longer find me instinctively attractive. Although it hurts to know the possibility I'd rather know the truth. For a woman being attractive to your spouse is pretty important since so many marriage books go on about it. What do you think guys? Thanks.


Short answer, yes. I don't need another man's glances to validate my own attraction to my SO. Ultimately, it only matters to the man in question. On the other hand, physical attraction can be destroyed by self esteem issues and lack of confidence.



> For a woman being attractive to your spouse is pretty important since so many marriage books go on about it. What do you think guys?


I don't think this is a cause/effect relationship. I don't need a marriage book to tell me attraction is important.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thanks for your response. I get where you're coming from. I should have been clearer. Women are sexually attractive (this is what I am talking about, not generally attractive) when they have markers of fertility. I am asking if these are declining does that reduce her sexual attractiveness to her spouse as it has for other males. It's not about needing validation but rather evidence of change. Since sexual attraction is not a choice but a reflex I was wondering how husbands may feel about this. A woman's belief in her genuine sexual attractiveness to her spouse is her belief and may not reflect his true reflexive sexual attraction. Obviously it's good for her to believe this regardless. In this case confidence or lack of confidence has little to do with biological physical attraction. Many people have known confident older men/women for whom confidence does not ignite instinctive attraction. I agree that being unconfident makes matters worse though. Thanks.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If he behaves like he's sexually attracted to you, he is. If he has been so far, this won't change simply because you're older, and you also haven't changed in any negatively significant way. My wife is most certainly attractive sexually to me, and she is a decade older than you.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you Married But Happy. I guess responsiveness is a positive sign and if that dwindles we move into companion zone. I'm not sure when that happens, I work with elderly people and it seems to be pretty common somewhere along the line of marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hehe, I don't know why but I love when people that are 9s/10s etc get SO much attention/gifts etc during their life.....and one day it all goes away.

This should be a reality check if anything. Think about it. SO many people in your life were around DUE to your looks, now that it's dwindling......you don't like it. 

Truth is, you shouldn't have liked it in the first place!!!

Relationships based on attraction are not very appealing TO ME.

And what does "attention from other males" have to do with ANY of that, is beyond me. I'm sorry. 

If you build your relationship proper, and it's not based on looks, you have nothing to worry about with your SO. 

As for others, they are completely irreverent. You have been spoiled, and time has come.

:scratchhead:

PS. For whatever it's worth, my wife thinks she looked best during her teens, to me, older she gets, better and sexier she gets. And I can't even explain why.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

DoF, fair enough to draw that conclusion from what I wrote. Unfortunately (or fortunately however it's looked at) I was not a 9/10 or whatever, just a younger fertile female - ALL get glanced at. I've watched it happen as an involuntary reflex to nearly all younger women by most men even if they are unaware they are doing it. The glance does not discriminate, it just confirms fertile young woman, therefore biologically attractive. Also, I wrote that I found it uncomfortable, even creepy at times - ALL women have these stories.

I have built my relationship on much more than physical attraction because I had to, as I said I've not been a 10 or near it. But I am possibly facing premature menopause and it scares me and I feel insecure about it. Men are attracted to pheromones and fertile features and it just concerns me. I agree with you though, it would be hard losing your looks if that's all you banked on.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Truth is, men usually still want to sleep with their female friends, even if they are not that attractive...


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you Theseus, that's a relief. I don't want to sleep with any friends just that you've indicated that attractiveness doesn't matter too much. Cheers.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

DoF said:


> Hehe, I don't know why but I love when people that are 9s/10s etc get SO much attention/gifts etc during their life.....and one day it all goes away.
> 
> This should be a reality check if anything. Think about it. SO many people in your life were around DUE to your looks, now that it's dwindling......you don't like it.
> 
> ...


I don't think OP meant her question about being a 9 or a 10 or about basing relationships solely on sexual attraction. This is more of a question about aging. Specifically, about being a woman and aging and attraction.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you Jellybeans!


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Oh my gob....

Why are you even thinking about this?

40 is the new 30. I don't think I've ever noticed more beautiful 40+ ladies walking the planet than in these wonderful times.

If I was sure I wouldn't get arrested, I'd be walking around with a constant boner.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Makel01 said:


> Thank you Jellybeans!


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Because I may be facing premature menopause, you know with reduced pheromones etc. Obviously sexual attraction is pretty important in marriage unless you become companions instead.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Makel01 said:


> I guess responsiveness is a positive sign and if that dwindles we move into companion zone. I'm not sure when that happens, I work with elderly people and it seems to be pretty common somewhere along the line of marriage.


It may be common - but not inevitable. There are also the effects of aging to consider, as well as declining hormones. A lot can be done towards staying healthy - and libidinous. The psychological factors may be the hardest to maintain, though.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

This is all in your mind.
You are making this problem up.
Why?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If hubby is in true love with you he will always see you half way between today and the day he met you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I feel the same way, like I have become invisible to men. (I'm 44) I used to get A LOT of attention, and I feel like I look pretty damn good now, but its like I might as well not even be there. I dont have a partner to worry about, but trust me, its even more disheartening when you are out there hoping to actually make a connection.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Let me tell you something younger women can't do is be sexy, and confident. Older women who take care of themselves and have an air of confidence are super sexy and something their younger counterparts can not match. So don't try. Be you and own you and that will attract the men.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Sexy and confident rules!

OP,

If you want "it" for another 20 years, get educated, hit the gym and read "What your Doctor May Not Tell You about Premenopause". Balance your hormones and your life from 30 to 50. Authors John R Lee and Jesse Hanley. Both MDs. 

You can easily own sexy and confident for another 20 years without batting an eye...

*personal hint*. Younger skin - Pycnogenol. After 8 months, my dermatologist mentioned my skin looked half my age. Sun damaged skin was reversed. Hit the gym, yoga, elliptical and heavy weights. Actual weight lifting. You won't grow muscles but will tone you up and slim you down. Do that seriously 3 times a week, you'll get results in 60-90 days. (Yep, doc did not know what Pycnogenol is - French Maritime Pine Bark. Used by sailors in the days of sailing ships to fight scurvy). 

Work on you. My spouse and I are doing this and are even more attracted to each other. And get noticed by others too.

If you say you don't have time, believe me - if you work out, everything else finds time anyway. Try it, you'll see. 

Cheers!

ps, doctors know next to nothing about hormones. This ignorance will lead to health issues and trouble. Look for a doc who understands hormones and the importance of balancing them. Most do the bloodtest (watch where you are in your cycle) and just say you're in the normal range. Dump that doctor. The range is being expanded by Obamacare so fewer people will be treated for anything (cost savings). Go to LEF.ORG and research your health needs. They have researched recommend ranges for blood levels. Very different from those listed in blood test reports.

Sexy and confident starts and ends with you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Makel01 said:


> is it possible for a husband to still have a genuine visceral attraction to his wife if it's not validated anywhere else?


This is one of the stark black/white differences between men and women: the vast majority of women need to have the outside validation of their man to stay attracted to him, but men do not.



Makel01 said:


> Or are we going to be on the path to friendship only now?


While a woman might be friend-zoning her husband if other women aren't eye raping him, this does not apply to men at all.



Makel01 said:


> I know it seems like a silly question but I don't want to make a fool of myself dressing up or acting sexy when he might no longer find me instinctively attractive.


No. Keep the sexy coming in any way shape form or fashion you can devise. Meanwhile, eat "paleo" and workout with weights to keep your "golden ratio" body well into your 80s if you stay healthy. I have clients in their 50's who regularly are hit on by guys half their age. You may not want that, but it's better than the alternative.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hicks said:


> This is all in your mind.
> You are making this problem up.
> Why?


True, in the mind, but the above post kind of exposes this natural progression if not managed.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Q tip said:


> *personal hint*. Younger skin - Pycnogenol. After 8 months, my dermatologist mentioned my skin looked half my age. Sun damaged skin was reversed. Hit the gym, yoga, elliptical and heavy weights. Actual weight lifting. You won't grow muscles but will tone you up and slim you down. Do that seriously 3 times a week, you'll get results in 60-90 days.


And it also increases skin elasticity by pushing so much blood via leg work. This is also helped by super-hydrating with ice water.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you are giving up on your life way too early. Do you have signs from your husband that he is not attracted to you anymore? If yes, that has nothing to do with your age, it is different problem completely. 
many women in their 40s go through sexual peak, and there are many men who find this VERY attractive.

So, don't buy that casket and rosary yet, way too early!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'm about to turn 47 and haven't noticed that I've become invisible to anyone. My SO certainly lets me know that he thinks I'm sexy all the time, which I think helps fuel my sexy.

How is your husband treating you? Do you feel invisible to him or does he show you or tell you that he thinks you're sexy?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

norajane said:


> I'm about to turn 47 and haven't noticed that I've become invisible to anyone. My SO certainly lets me know that he thinks I'm sexy all the time, which I think helps fuel my sexy.
> 
> How is your husband treating you? Do you feel invisible to him or does he show you or tell you that he thinks you're sexy?


HBD Norajane!

The thing about years together is your love becomes so much deeper & so worthwhile. Excitement is still there too, but there is so much more there. I don't think the initial head rush fades as much as deeper more meaningful emotional feelings partner with the initial rush. 

Yah, many will say bs to that, but that's how I feel about my SO! Ain't no one taking that away! I own my excitement and motivation for my spouse. Don't let a day go by without investing in your SO and them in you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> I feel the same way, like I have become invisible to men. (I'm 44) I used to get A LOT of attention, and I feel like I look pretty damn good now, but its like I might as well not even be there. I dont have a partner to worry about, but trust me, its even more disheartening when you are out there hoping to actually make a connection.


It's called "hitting the wall" and it's Mother Nature's way of making sure men don't waste their essence on women beyond the child bearing years. However, men are programmed to autonomically respond to the "golden ratio:" waist measure about 2/3 of hip measurement. That pretty much means a flat stomach. If you look like you're 22 from the neck down, the rest will take care of itself.


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## masterclicker (May 16, 2013)

Hi Make|01,
It is probably different for each man. In my case, I have been married to the same woman for over 48 years, and I am very very much still attracted to my her. (We're both 67) I still frequently become aroused over a simple lingering kiss with my beautiful wife. In my eyes, she's still very beautiful. And, I might add, I still see other mens heads turn when she walks by. I still love her more than I can find the right words to express it. If you're still attracted to your husband, make sure he knows it!


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Yeah - I'm in my early 40's and still get noticed by men all the time. My XH never noticed me after a couple of years of being married. 

I started a thread a while ago asking kind of the same question that you did and the response I mostly got was that men are sexually attracted to their wives for reasons beyond the physical. Not just that he loves her but that he is turned on by her because of things beyond the physical. I think there were other things at work in my marriage, but I was greatly comforted by those responses. I want to have sex for as long as I can and I want a partner who wants to keep having sex with me as long as he can and it's good to hear I don't have to be 20 for a man to truly desire me and continue to do so as I age.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

WandaJ said:


> So, don't buy that casket and rosary yet, way too early!


Love this :rofl:



norajane said:


> I'm about to turn 47 and haven't noticed that I've become invisible to anyone. My SO certainly lets me know that he thinks I'm sexy all the time, which I think helps fuel my sexy.


:smthumbup:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I believe we have *the ability *to look at our spouses and forever see them young...all those shared moments in time... growing together... there is an attachment there that never dies...the memories hold us...

To be honest... I am attracted to youngness.. I really am.. sorry to say.. bald heads/ grey hair / expanding waist lines on men do NOTHING for me......YET I think if a couple keeps themselves at a reasonable weight, still takes time to dress for each other..still going out... having FUN... remains flirtateous & engagingly sexy with your spouse... how you carry yourself.. your husband will remain delighted and enthralled with you ...at any age...every stage in your lives together.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Makel01 said:


> I have a question for the men if that's ok? I turned 40 this year and noticed I suddenly became invisible to men. I understand men have a reflexive unconscious visual response to something that attracts their eyes (shape, hair, movement, youth etc). I used to find this glancing frequently and while it made me somewhat uncomfortable now it has stopped I have one concern. I couldn't care less about other men but if they don't find me remotely viscerally attractive but rather invisible (I haven't put on weight or got major wrinkles or anything) is it possible for a husband to still have a genuine visceral attraction to his wife if it's not validated anywhere else? Or are we going to be on the path to friendship only now? I know it seems like a silly question but I don't want to make a fool of myself dressing up or acting sexy when he might no longer find me instinctively attractive. Although it hurts to know the possibility I'd rather know the truth. For a woman being attractive to your spouse is pretty important since so many marriage books go on about it. What do you think guys? Thanks.


Yes, I have a visceral attraction to my wife. She is 42. I'm 49. She always does her hair/make up every morning. Freshens up just before I arrive home. She is a SAHM. Sexy delicates are in play. I find her very attractive. I do not find anything she does sexually enticing as silly.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Thank you for all your responses. I think my hormone imbalance is affecting my state of mind as I have no major indication as yet of my husband losing interest at this point.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Makel01 said:


> Thank you for all your responses. I think my hormone imbalance is affecting my state of mind as I have no major indication as yet of my husband losing interest at this point.


Interesting you say this. My W cycle is changing. Lingered for two weeks last time. Usually 3-5 days and done. She is thinking of the change of life, sex drive and what it will be like. She finally said she will just let nature take its course. Whatever the case she will always have my eye. Its that simple.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Yeah

I just saw the hottest 50+ lady today. Dressed up nice in an autumn dress. Tight in all the right spots. 

Given the chance, I'm sure I'd bend her over and go primal for a few hours. 

Or 11 seconds. It's all good.


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## Makel01 (Aug 20, 2014)

Jason56, sounds good for you guys. I think people misunderstood my post. I don't want to be attractive to other men, I'm not interested in other men. I learned a lot about evolutionary psych in my studies and am aware of male visceral attraction generally and was concerned if I have dropped off the radar as a woman would my husband lose attraction to me, especially since physical intimacy is important in marriage. I know other women have felt this because we seem to live in a culture that celebrates female youth and dismisses older women's contributions. This is something men do not experience or appear to fully understand the impact of it on women's development. There are women who don't think about this, I do due to my awareness of its impact through my social and psych training - wish I never knew about the details  ignorance is bliss.
Anyway, it'll be alright, just a hump and I'll be over it and hanging out with the oldies having a great time in the future, I'm sure. Thanks.


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