# Sent OW facebook message- feel silly now.



## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Sent the OW a message on face book . 

"I know you are now having an affair with my husband. 
He has made it very clear to me that he does not want anything to do with me. He sees a bright and shiny future with you. Cos you offer him 'an easy life and he does not have to try with you'

You need to be aware that we have had a tough 18months due to many external factors such as moving, no family or friends, extremely tough jobs, and yes i have become depressed and unwell. External factors nothing more. 

But he left me without on word of warning. He did not sit me down at any point and tell me he was unhappy or that things were not right. We were married, a life long commitment, 14 years together and as soon as things got a bit tough he walked out like a coward. No warning at all. He left me when i was ill. For someone who had shown him a bit of attention. Just threw away a marriage like that. over an emotional affair. His has an inability to express his emotion and how he really feels. 

No opportunity for a second chance, no second try. Nothing just bailed like a coward. Despite going against the wishes of me, his family and most of his friends, he thinks he is better off with you.

This is not the first time he has done this to me. He did it 10 years ago too. He could not cope with a long distance relationship when i was a medical school so he dumped me before a massive exam. 
He then went off a slept with some one at work after 3 weeks apart. 5 months later he came back. I forgave him and we got over it. I thought i could trust him.
He just likes the easy option. Takes the cowards way out.
You would not believe how deceitful and untrustworthy he has been these past few months. Carrying on like he loved me and care and he was all the time having an emotional affair with you. 

Well if you think you can tame him and trust him, then you are perhaps a bigger fool than me. 
All i want in the world is for him to be happy. And if that means with you then so be it. I love him deeply and always will. There will always be a bit of him that belongs to me. He cannot forget and move on from 14 years and marriage so quick as he is. 
You are a fool for getting involved. You should learn to keep away from married men. Yes happy married men do not have affairs, but had he been a real man our marriage could have been salvaged.

The sad thing is i am such a sad weak woman that i still love him and would still take him back right now. 
Don't let this be you."


initially it felt really good to tell her how it really was, but surely she is not so stupid that she thinks he is trust worthy. 
I just wanted to plant the seed of doubt in her head. I want her to reject him. 

On reflection a few days later, i now feel stupid. This had probably made her want him more and confirmed the fact that i am a raving loony. I am sure she will tell my husband what i have done. But what does it matter. 

It is so hard not to be destructive. 
Have i just made a massive mistake


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nah, you didn't make a mistake. Just let it go. Stand firm in your decision to send it and if either of them ask why or whatever, just say "Yes, I sent it. And?" You are strong.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

No, I don't think you have made a massive mistake. Will it do any good? No. She will not listen. But you got it off your chest. Don't beat yourself up over it. I've considered doing something similar to OM myself. I did leave a voice mail or two asking what kind of future does he see with my wife? My kids will never want to be around him and always hate him. Her family will never like him. I certainly will never like him. His family will never support his relationship with her. What do they have?

Anyway, sorry to rant on my situation. No, I wouldn't lose any sleep whatsoever over sending her this message.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She won't listen NOW but in 6 months or so or however long it takes for him to leave her, she'll go back to that and think--- damn.

lol. It has happened before with myself and my ex. I told his new love to beware. She laughed. LOL She's not laughing now


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

It will likely fall on deaf ears but so what? You said what you wanted to say and leave it at that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> On reflection a few days later, i now feel stupid. This had probably made her want him more and confirmed the fact that i am a raving loony.


At least you didn't tell her he had an STD. I don't think you made a mistake but you should probably not give any more information to her about yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oooh I wish you wouldn't have done that! But its done and over now so move on. DO NOT contact her again. In the future...wait 48. Hours before sending anything. We will help you and offer advice on what to say to him or her if she writes you back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> lol. It has happened before with myself and my ex. I told his new love to beware. She laughed. LOL She's not laughing now


Oh gosh! What happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

Whether you should have sent it or not is moot since it's done, but who wouldn't want to send that type of message to the other person whether it does any good or not. 

I wouldn't beat yourself up any further about it. It's done and can't be changed but I would set your sights (in time) on a man who will treat you with the respect you deserve instead of pining for this one.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Oh, don't feel bad sometimes you just have to get things off your chest and move on. Keepig things held inside just makes things worse. Like TG said the OW will certainly see truth in it down the road.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think that is fine to send. No worries.


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## sam83 (Jul 23, 2011)

I love this message so much thx for sharing this with us don't worry about what they think of u two of them re not worthy at all 

keep her face-book ID with u so when he finish her soon send her I told u so with some evil emoticons


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Oh boy! Well what's done is done. I'm with Jellybean on this one. Never make yourself emotionally vulnerable to the new woman. She looks at you hurting as a personal victory. I'm glad u won't ba contacting her again. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I feel your pain daily. A cheater has he ability to block feelings of guilt by justifying their bad behavior, blaming their loved one for their infidelity. Cheaters are selfish and do not care about the consequences of your well being. Cheaters suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Thanks everyone. 
It did help me to get it off my chest. 
I am sure it will not a iota of difference, but i just wanted her to see me as a human being who has been hurt. To remind her that there is another person, the wife, in their affair. 
She will not respond. He will not tell me if she told him or not anyway. 

Like you said what is done is done.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

You know, if I was a doctor, I would've given you a prescription to send her the message. Doctor's orders. Its therapeudic. You deserve so much better than him.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I called the OM up and [email protected] him out for talking to a married woman and ruining our marriage. 
He told me "Your "Old LADY" said she was divorced!!!!"
completely throwing her under the bus and tucking his tail.
I played the message back to her and she says "I didnt say thaaat!!!!" stammering and sputtering.

Yet, they remain in contact on a regular basis still. Still involved for sure.
I guess being a coward right off the bat, he still gets a free pass.

See how thick that fog is? Impossible to see thru.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I have edited it to show you how the OW will read this. Please keep in mind, this is not me personally saying these things to you but rather what the reaction of the ow would be



"I know you are now having an affair with my husband. 
He has made it very clear to me that he does not want anything to do with me. Good, because he does not need to have anything to do with you (Now she feels empowered)He sees a bright and shiny future with you. Cos you offer him 'an easy life and he does not have to try with you' Of course, I will offer him anything that mnakes him happy

You need to be aware that we have had a tough 18months due to many external factors such as moving, no family or friends, extremely tough jobs, and yes i have become depressed and unwell. External factors nothing more. Oh boo-hoo and blah blah

But he left me without on word of warning. He did not sit me down at any point and tell me he was unhappy or that things were not right. We were married, a life long commitment, 14 years together and as soon as things got a bit tough he walked out like a coward. He's not a coward, you are. Maybe you should have said somethingNo warning at all. He left me when i was ill. For someone who had shown him a bit of attention. Just threw away a marriage like that. over an emotional affair. His has an inability to express his emotion and how he really feels. You are such a cry baby

No opportunity for a second chance, no second try. Nothing just bailed like a coward. Despite going against the wishes of me, his family and most of his friends, he thinks he is better off with you.Duh, he is! That's why he is with me and not with you!

This is not the first time he has done this to me. He did it 10 years ago too. He could not cope with a long distance relationship when i was a medical school so he dumped me before a massive exam. Gee, obvioulsly you cant keep your man happy can you?
He then went off a slept with some one at work after 3 weeks apart. 5 months later he came back. I forgave him and we got over it. I thought i could trust him. Well, you weren't very smart, were you? (Remember the OW do actually believe that in spite of what they did to their wives, they will be faithful to them)
He just likes the easy option. Takes the cowards way out.
You would not believe how deceitful and untrustworthy he has been these past few months. Carrying on like he loved me and care and he was all the time having an emotional affair with you. Omg, get over it already! He loves me now, not you. Can't you just move on! I dont care about your poor sad story

Well if you think you can tame him and trust him, then you are perhaps a bigger fool than me. I'm no fool! You are!
All i want in the world is for him to be happy. And if that means with you then so be it. Hey, thanks!I love him deeply and always will. There will always be a bit of him that belongs to me. Ha! No way. He is sooo over you, sweetheartHe cannot forget and move on from 14 years and marriage so quick as he is. Yes, he can (Again, this is another thing the ow convince themselves of. That the husband will simply forget about his wife.
You are a fool for getting involved. WhateverYou should learn to keep away from married men. You should learn to hold onto your manYes happy married men do not have affairs, but had he been a real man our marriage could have been salvaged. blah blah blah blah blah

The sad thing is i am such a sad weak woman that i still love him and would still take him back right now. Yes, you are sad and weak. If you weren't, you would have him but instead I do
Don't let this be you." It will never be me because I know how to treat him right

Now remember, these are NOT my words. I'm am NOT the one saying this to you. This is how the OW would read and react to this message. The OW is crazy as a bat. They do not care about us, about our feelings, about the pain we are going through. The OW believe that we should gift wrap our husbands, our kids, our homes, our lives and hand it over with a smile, and a hug. Seriously, they are that crazy. They cannot believe we would actually be offended and turn around and feel offended themselves. If they see us as being weak, it empowers them. They feel as if they are competing against us. They must have him at any costs. The best way to win, is to not compete. You can't always be the lionness who hunts down her catch, and then chases it as it runs away. The lionness does not always catch her prey. Sometimes you have to be the spider who simply waits for the prey to come to her. Then you've exhausted no energy and you win your meal. The lionness, as powerful and pretty as she is, is worn out and left hungry, only to have to chase again after a new meal. Do you see what I am saying?

initially it felt really good to tell her how it really was, but surely she is not so stupid that she thinks he is trust worthy. 
I just wanted to plant the seed of doubt in her head. I want her to reject him. 

On reflection a few days later, i now feel stupid. This had probably made her want him more and confirmed the fact that i am a raving loony. I am sure she will tell my husband what i have done. But what does it matter. 

It is so hard not to be destructive. 
Have i just made a massive mistake

I also wrote the OW in my life a letter on facebook. She told me she was sorry but it made no difference. She wasnt sorry for her actions. She wasnt sorry one bit for what she had done. This skank would come to my house to pick up my husband for their dates. Yeah, she would pick him up in my driveway while me and the kids were home. Another time she asked me for his ring size because she wanted to propose to him and she has also texted me on my phone trying to get me to "understand that what happened was not her fault and I shouldn't take everything so personally"

I agree with JellyBeans here. Don't write her again. From my own personal experience with letters to the OW, it goes in one ear and quickly out the other. Remember there is no brain their skulls to be able to stop and absorb the words and feelings of others.
I'm sorry you have to go through this.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

And I agree with your entire post, Apple.

That is exactly like how she's going to read Dr's letter. 

No more contact with her, Dr. She feels like she just won. It's messed up, but true. She does not care about your feelings becaues you are just a blip (an inconvenient one) on her radar.

Someone posted here that you are central to their relationship, and that's true. She sees you as a nuissance, an obstacle to overcome, something dragging the newness of her relationship down, something that needs to be pushed aside in order to move foward. 

She doesn't not give a sh!t about you (Sorry to sound crass). Do not extend yourself to her in any way or fashion anymore. Or him. especially him. He's not worthy of your love or patience or kindness. He no longer has your bests interests. Look at for youself from now on and do not, for the love of everything good, roll yourself out on a carpet to be walked on by either of them.

YOU ARE BETTER OFF without him in your life, mmmkay?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> I called the OM up and [email protected] him out for talking to a married woman and ruining our marriage.
> He told me "Your "Old LADY" said she was divorced!!!!"
> completely throwing her under the bus and tucking his tail.
> I played the message back to her and she says "I didnt say thaaat!!!!" stammering and sputtering.


Shoo--it's very possible she did tell him she was divorced. 

Just saying.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Why were you "warning" her or opening her eyes to the 'truth' (remember regardless of which is closer to to reality, this is still _your_ truth and it's instantly subject to being rewritten as they see fit) ? 

I would imagine there are really only 2 reasons to do this...

1. You genuinely care about her or what happens to her?. That's almost laughable really. But, if that were the case you said your part. Walk away, karma and the disfuction of who they are as people will deal with them. Have no doubt. Rain is wet, the sun will rise and this relationship will create further pain, distrust and misery for one or both of them. 

2. You hope this truth will sabotage their relationship and bring him crawling back to you?. Based on what you described to her, this is what you want? You expect a changed man based on what you already know? You somehow think that this cycle wouldn't repeat itself again in the future? or is your self esteem really at a place where you feel you don't deserve better than this? 

Please, cut yourself off from both of them. Go completely silent, turn your back and start walking. Here's a matra for you to repeat to yourself everyday... "fu*k this, I'm outta here."


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Here's a matra for you to repeat to yourself everyday... "fu*k this, I'm outta here."


 I like this mantra.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Shoo--it's very possible she did tell him she was divorced.
> 
> Just saying.


Maybe so, at one point. However, there came a time when OM knew better. He should have ended the relationship at that point in time.

I've talked to OM a few times. He apologized a few times and said it was over. How crazy is that? Both he and my wife told me they had ended things several times. Anyway, he gave me the same crap. He didn't know she was married. I pointed out that he has known she was married for a long time. Maybe not in the beginning, but for a long time. "But by then it was too late. I had already fallen for her." If only my arms reached to Denver.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> He should have ended the relationship at that point in time.


Shoo's wife should have ended the relationship with OM. The responsibility did not lie on the OM alone.

TN--your wife is a piece of work and so is the OM in that story. Be glad to be rid of them both.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I hand wrote the OW a letter, then folded and stashed it away in a drawer. Felt good to write it, but it's still in that drawer. I wrote my H a letter and stashed it away too, even though we're in R. When I go back and read those letters, it reminds me how far I've come. 

Although you sent the OW your letter, don't beat yourself up, instead let it be an impetuous for change. I'm sure when read the message and already feel different in some ways than when you wrote it. Now you wouldn't send it. That's the thing, we're constantly changing and evolving from the infidelity, while the OW is stagnant in her belief that she is right. Someday she will feel the burn of betrayal and even then she'll live in denial.

There may also come a day when you wouldn't take your H back. Nothing is written in stone, so now is the time to take action and make your life what you want it to be. Easier said then done, but it's what I try to remind myself whenever I have a bad day or a sense of hopelessness.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I think you did well. Your message was not disrespectful, it was just telling her how you feel. I sent a FB message to the OW (actually last week). My H and I are working things out, but they still work with eachother. I felt like I needed to get some things off of my chest. So I did. 

This woman deserves to hear (from you) the destruction it is doing to you. Someone on this forum told me "two people made a decision about your marriage, and you were not one of them, thats not fair". That is so true, and stuck with me for quite some time. You were merely reminding her of this. I know a lot of people disagree with me about contacting the OW/OM, but I believe if you do it in a non-threatening manner, with absolutely no expectations then I think it can be healthy. I think I took a step closer to closure once I sent it. 

I think you did well, but don't expect a response. Who cares if she feels uncomfortable about it, and tells your H. What could they possibly have to say about it. The only reason they would be upset, is because it brings a little reality to the fog that they are in. With that said, this needs to be the end of your contact with both of them. You said your peice, and now you have to let it be. Focus on yourself from here on. Find the happiness that you deserve. Use this forum as an outlet for your pain. It has been an amazing source of advice for me through my situation. You are not alone.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

I've been tempted to do the same thing. but the more I feel the urge to do it, it will just empower both of them and it could be construed as harassment. I still have the ability to read his texts and emails between him and his other women and all of them make me out to be the villian. But water off a duck's back I just let it slide. The only people's opinions I care about are the people that REALLY matter in my life

ETA: AD hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what the OW would be thinking


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

mommy22 said:


> I mean, what's she going to do with the information anyway?


Use it against her to add insult to injury?


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

Thank you all for you posts. It is very interesting to see the differences of opinion. 
I think my motive was to express my hurt to her and hope she finishes it with him. Obviously this is out of my control and i have effectively pushed them together. 
Their relationship will fail. This will happen because of how and why it started. This will happen without me interfering. 
I just so want to be proved right.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> .
> Their relationship will fail. This will happen because of how and why it started. This will happen without me interfering.
> I just so want to be proved right.


You will not truly move on until you can allow yourself to be happy despite their success or failure. This is the hardest part of the destruction affairs have on the BS. We find ourselves relying on the demise of the OW or the WS for our comfort and closure. You will find yourself much stronger if you can move on and find happiness despite the status of their lives. 

You are probably right, their relationship will amount to nothing. But even if it does succeed and they live happily ever after, what does that really mean. Honestly, the deserve eachother. Whether the OW admits it or not, she WILL forever wonder about his faithfulness. And he will probably do the same with her. 

Don't look at your actions as pushing them together. Your H made those choices completely on his own. If he was unhappy with you, he could have been a man about it (like you said) and either fix your marriage or divorce you. You should take no responsibility in his cowardly and selfish actions.

Now you have the opportunity to find someone out there who will respect you and love you enough to honor your trust. You will be the only one in this situation fully capable of moving on from what they have done. They will have to live with their actions forever.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

drsparkle said:


> Thank you all for you posts. It is very interesting to see the differences of opinion.
> I think my motive was to express my hurt to her and hope she finishes it with him. Obviously this is out of my control and i have effectively pushed them together.
> Their relationship will fail. This will happen because of how and why it started. This will happen without me interfering.
> I just so want to be proved right.


I've been there too. I understand wanting to make them understand, getting them to realize the pain they are causing us. But, you need to remember if they cared about hurting anyone, they wouldn't get involved with a married man in the first place. The ow in a marriage is a scary, moral-less, senseless harpie incapable of any rational thoughts or feelings, especially for that of the wife. The ow is convinced, mostly because of the lies of the husband, that the wife is bonkers and the wife actually deserves the hurt. Some OW take joy in causing the wife to hurt, they take joy in watching the wife grieve. Your best defense against the ow is not contacting her and trying to get her to think about what she has done but rather to avoid her as much as possible. Any contact she tries to make with you, ignore. Anytime she tries to get your goat in any way, shrug it off. Show NO emotion, NO reaction to anything she does. That is your BEST defense against her. That will drive her insane. Seriously. Her crazy little head will fill with so many irrational thoughts, she will be her own downfall. You need to do nothing.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

OP doesn't care jacksh!t for BS. Both so selfish and in it for themselves/ 

Never ever give the OP your time, Rise above it and leave them to it. 

It's gone and it's done. 

OW much more crafty and smarter that any BS. 

Like OP, particularly OW waits like a predator, waiting for prey and there are plenty of strays. 

OW will chew your husband up and spit him out, then he will probably come back with his tail between his legs but you might have moved on by that time and not want him back. 

Rise above the drama and keep your head up high because you have value. They don't! Never give them credibility or your acceptance. 

They deserve each other because both are liars and cheats. 

Their relationship is built on a foundation of lies and like quicksand when it shifts they'll sink pretty quickly. There's nothing solid about their *love* foundation.

It's hard and very painful but never show any weakness, least of all to AP.


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