# Family friend abused my brother when we were kids



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I don't know if this is the right sub-forum for this, but my brother recently revealed to me that a close family friend of ours sexually abused him when we were children. His memory is that it happened a couple of times when he was around 6 or 7, and that it was fairly bad, although he says his memories are not totally clear.

The man who did this was a close family friend, or rather, his family were close friends of ours -- they had a son my age who was my best friend, his mom was my mom's best friend, and their other son was my brother's best friend. I never liked the dad at all, I found him creepy before I knew what "creepy" meant. He grossed me out, he was affectionate in inappropriate ways, he was a bit like a scary clown in personality, always acting "wacky" and unpredictable in a way that made you feel unsafe. 

Our families had since drifted apart -- the parents and the younger son live in other countries now, and the older son and I just haven't spoken much in the last decade or so. 

Getting this news was a big shock though and has upset me a lot -- I am thinking about how much time we spent with them, sleeping over at their house, but also how much I hated being around their dad, and now I'm so angry at him. I remember that at the age when it happened, my brother changed very suddenly and dramatically from a confident kid to an anxious kid, and we always thought it was because of this terrible teacher he had, but now we know there was a bigger problem behind it. My brother had trouble being in relationships with women for years (though he has settled down with a great woman now), and this also helps explain that.

I have a few questions on how to deal with this:

1) Is legal action of any kind going to be more trouble than it's worth, assuming my brother wanted to do it? The man lives in another country from us now, so I imagine both criminal and civil prosecution would be challenging, not to mention everything my brother would have to go through.

2) I'm concerned that he may molest other children -- they're often repeat offenders. What if anything can we do to help prevent this?

3) What else can I do to support my brother at this time, would especially appreciate any advice from someone who has gone through this. He went to therapy for some years before he told me, and claims to feel ok about it now, although it's hard for me to believe, especially since he never confronted the man. I'm afraid he hasn't let himself be angry about it.

4) How can I ever face my friend now without this coming up? I don't see him much but eventually I'm sure we will cross paths again. I want to know if it happened to him or his brother, and I want them to know what their dad did, but I'm afraid maybe it isn't my place to tell.

Thanks all.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should let your brother drive further actions. It's great to be supportive, but you need to let him control it.

As far as pursuing legal action, you need to talk to a lawyer in your area. Even if criminal charges can't be pursued, your brother may be able to pursue a civil case.

With regards to molesting others, unless your brother is willing to pursue things legally, there's probably not much you can do that won't potentially expose you to a lawsuit in return. Even if you win that lawsuit, it could still be very painful and expensive. So again, talk to a lawyer.

With regards to supporting your brother, I'd say be willing to listen in a non-judgemental way, which is seems you're already doing. Other than that, let him control where things go. His therapist is better suited to guiding his path than you are, hopefully.

As far as your friend goes... You don't have a "right" to know if it happened to him or his brother, so I wouldn't be asking any questions. Let your brother talk to him about it, unless he asks you to ask or communicate with your friend.

Just my $0.02, speaking as a non-lawyer and having not had to deal with this.

C


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I'm a CSA survivor (childhood sexual assault).

One, the statute of limitations is long past. There is no legal action other than possibly civil which is expensive and a lengthy drawn out process.

The first question you should be asking is what does your brother want. Its not about you, its about him.

Your brother should consider therapy. His first baby step toward that was telling you what happened (obviously something triggered this).

There is really not much you cab do about the molester/offender at this point. Bringing it up with the friend is a very, very bad idea. If you can't handle being face to face with the friend then cutting ties is your best bet. Bringing it up with the friend betrays your brothers trust. Don't do it unless your brother gives you the go ahead.

People don't want to hear bad things about their family members, especially if that family member did it to them too (not saying that happened) and they are in deep denial and/or repressing those memories.

Your main goal is in supporting your brother, tell him you are there to listen when he needs it and how he needs it. Don't cajole, coerce or push him to share his feelings or thoughts on it. Just ask him what he needs from you to help him heal and be emotionally/mentally and psychologically healthy.

That's all you can do.

ETA: I missed the years of therapy mentioned. Yes he can be okay with it. What you feel isn't OK (because this event is brand new to you but not him) may be perfectly fine for him.

He has made his peace with it in his own manner. He sought therapy, its time for you to do the same. There are group supports for families of CSA survivors that can help. Look up your local chapter.

I think he may have told you about it because he was worried that this abuser may have hurt you as well and your brother was indirectly trying to make sure you hadn't been hurt like him. If you were, he was looking to help you like he got help.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

He told me about it because he is getting married and he realized he did not want their family at the wedding, so I guess he wanted to talk to me about that. I told him that of course if he felt that way then there was no way he should invite them to the wedding, that he should not even give it any more thought or feel even slightly bad about it. For what it's worth, I don't think anything ever happened to me and I don't believe in repressed memories. I do remember that he made me feel very uncomfortable a lot of times, but I don't believe I was ever actually molested by him.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I cannot imagine why contacting the abuser and confronting him would be bad.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I don't know if this is the right sub-forum for this, but my brother recently revealed to me that a close family friend of ours sexually abused him when we were children. His memory is that it happened a couple of times when he was around 6 or 7, and that it was fairly bad, although he says his memories are not totally clear.
> 
> The man who did this was a close family friend, or rather, his family were close friends of ours -- they had a son my age who was my best friend, his mom was my mom's best friend, and their other son was my brother's best friend. I never liked the dad at all, I found him creepy before I knew what "creepy" meant. He grossed me out, he was affectionate in inappropriate ways, he was a bit like a scary clown in personality, always acting "wacky" and unpredictable in a way that made you feel unsafe.
> 
> ...


Don't bother, statute of limitations has likely passed. Not to mention the most likely outcome is further trauma to your bother and nothing to his abuser.



> 2) I'm concerned that he may molest other children -- they're often repeat offenders. What if anything can we do to help prevent this?


Give him a call and tell him what you know. Tell him you're contact his local police department and letting them be aware they have a child molester in their community. While nothing legal can happen to him, the cops now know this guy's name and address.



> 3) What else can I do to support my brother at this time, would especially appreciate any advice from someone who has gone through this. He went to therapy for some years before he told me, and claims to feel ok about it now, although it's hard for me to believe, especially since he never confronted the man. I'm afraid he hasn't let himself be angry about it.



You can't cure what ails your brother. Never confront the abuser is the most common avenue for adult CSA's. What would be the point? 

Express to your brother your desire to support him in any way you can and your sorrow for not being able to support him when you were little. He probably feels quilt and shame directed inward. CSA is worse for boys due to the homophobic nature of our culture. Luckily your brother was too young to have an unwanted physical response. But sometimes just the fact that it happened is enough to feel guilt and shame. Be supportive, but allow him to direct that support. Don't treat this like the elephant in the room, but be sensitive that he may not wish to talk.




> 4) How can I ever face my friend now without this coming up? I don't see him much but eventually I'm sure we will cross paths again. I want to know if it happened to him or his brother, and I want them to know what their dad did, but I'm afraid maybe it isn't my place to tell.
> 
> Thanks all.


Your friend most likely has other friends his father also abused. Tell him. When the next friend comes forward he won't be as shocked. Or perhaps he has already heard from some of his childhood friends, or those of his brothers. Tell him and leave it up to him to decide what to do in terms of your relationship. However I would never allow this grind to come into contact with your brother, ever.

ETA: after seeing CantePe's post I wanted to add that my answer was predicated on the assumption your brother is aware of your desire to confront the father and the friend. *Do nothing without your brothers consent.*


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