# How much is enough



## lonelystar (Jul 16, 2012)

I have been married for 3 years and we’ve been together for 7 years. Our relationship became an almost constant battlefield since we got married. We argue a lot and cannot reach conclusion on major aspects of our lives together. We both have professional jobs that require a lot of time on our part and contribute to stress in our relationship. 

One issue that we struggle with is starting a family. We are both 33 and as a woman, I do not want to postpone starting a family any longer. We have discussed this issue before we got married and we both agreed to start having kids a year after we got married. He still insists he wants a family, but he says that now is not a good time. Another big issue in our life has to do with where we will live in the future. Our jobs may require us to move in 2 or so years and my husband wants to move to a low cost of living area away from big cities, so that he can have a big house and have a large property. I am a city girl and the idea of committing myself to living in the middle of nowhere simply terrifies me. He does not want to listen to what I have to say and thinks it would be unreasonable to spend money to live in a more populated place if we can get a big house much cheaper elsewhere. 

What makes our issues even more difficult to deal with is our families. He is the only child and now, when his parents are getting older, they do everything to keep him around as much as possible. My husband is very attached to his parents and I sometimes think he listens to what they have to say 100%. On the other hand, he does not particularly like my family and makes a fuss every time we drive to visit them, which happens once every 2 months or so. This problem began after we got married. Also, my husband says that my family buds in too much and is THE source of our problems. I do not see how this is true, since I don’t even see them as often. 

Sometimes it is difficult for me to remember the good times we have shared together. It seems like the only thing we do now is argue. Recently, I began thinking about getting a divorce. We just can’t agree on anything anymore. I have briefly mentioned to my husband that we have issues with compatibility and expectations from like, but he claims that every marriage has the same problems. My question is: how much is enough? How can we solve our problems if we have such conflicting perspectives and expectations from life, jobs and families? We did not have these problems before we got married. All these emerged shortly after we tied the knot. Hard to believe, but true….

Anyone is a similar situation?


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## LionofJudah888 (Jul 15, 2012)

there are many people in similar situations as yours....and sometimes more dramatic. Read the post entitled "...and they said it could be worse"


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## toonewlywed (Jul 17, 2012)

Saying other people have the same problems minimizes your concerns; I know, my husband says the same thing to me sometimes. It does nothing to make you feel better. And I know how it feels to be hopeless about the future. Really makes you wonder how anyone successfully navigates a marriage...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You have some fairly large disagreements about things. Have you considered going to counselling together?

Learn how to listen to what you both want, and make compromises. Are you both a bit stubborn? Can you sit down with a third party and go through the major issues and come to a compromise? If you can't... then it's kinda hard to make a marriage work. 

Kids and money. They are connected. Do the research. See if you can even really afford kids right now. Maybe in his mind... moving to a cheaper place is the step he needs to have kids. Is he worried about money? Are you? 

I would pick something smaller than where you want to live to start with.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I agree with deejov. Doesn't sound like either of you are willing to compromise on some very BIG issues. 

Kids is a huge issue and one you need to iron out BEFORE you start having them! There will be plenty of other stress factors associated with kids (and decisions) after you have them! When to have them is just the tip of the iceberg and you guys can't even compromise on that!


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## lonelystar (Jul 16, 2012)

Thank you for your replies. It is great to hear some of your suggestions. 

I have suggested counseling multiple times and my husband has finally agreed to it. 

@deejov: yes, we are both stubborn. However, I feel like our arguments are about who wins, rather than how we can compromise. It worries me. 
When it comes to kids, we could definitely afford at least one now. I think the problem is not really about having kids, but rather about the lifestyle. My husband has tons of friends and almost all of them do not have kids, or have kids in college. He enjoys a semi-bachelor lifestyle and hanging out with his buddies. Even though he has not said so, I think he is afraid of losing his freedom. 

The in-laws aren't helping the situation. My husband talks to them daily and takes their advice very seriously. They are naturally the kind of people who like interfering by giving advice, even though they may not realize it. The father in-law is a very controlling and opinionated person who always knows best. This is not helping our marriage. I wish there was something I could do to fix it, but so far the situation does not look good. It's hard to look forward to the future knowing what may be ahead.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lonely,

I don't think you should consider having kids until you know if you can fix this marriage.

It sounds as if you have a great deal of resentment towards your husband and his parents and that your husband may not be ready to change his life and may never be ready


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## lonelystar (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks for your reply Toffer! I agree with you.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

lonelystar said:


> Thank you for your replies. It is great to hear some of your suggestions.
> 
> I have suggested counseling multiple times and my husband has finally agreed to it.
> 
> ...


Yes, it becomes about being right. And him listening to YOU instead of his parents. 

This is where counselling can help. They are a third party.
I say you both try to leave the ego's at the door and be open to trying something else.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

I understand your difficulty, my wife is severely attached to her parents and family. She sees them literally every single day and they live just down the street yet when we go to see my family every few months its such a hassle. He needs to break those ties with his family, sadly at 33 years old i dont know if he ever will.

I recommend starting with MC, you need to open up the lines of communication and make sure youre getting everything out in the open.

As far as his bachelor life style goes, if thats important to him you may have to reassure him that he will still have time to hang out with the guys even after having a kid. I know alot of guys who do worry about having kids and yet there are plenty of fathers out there who still find time to play on a weekend sports team or go out with the guys on occasion.


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