# Wife not interested in sex or shows love.



## fixmywife (Feb 16, 2012)

I am new to this but needed advice. I have been married for 17 years with 2 kids, 10 ans 14 years old. My wife has been cold for years and never intiates sex and just treats it like a chore, when I do ask she just says lets go get this over with! I try to talk to her but it never works and ends up into an arguement. I have read other site for advice and they all say help more talk more be more understanding??? I cook dinner practically every night, I help do laundry, I vacuum, dust, help kids with home work, take them to dental,orthodontist,doctors appointments, on AND ON AND ON you get it. I do more than most other hubands around the house and it gets me very little. She will give sex when she feels I deserve it, once a week or when she by some out of this world reason might be in the mood. Valentines day just passed and I made her a romantic dinner with wine, and conversation but nothing not even a kiss or I love you??? I was close to cheating a few years back but I did not nor will I. I just need more out of her and not sure what I will do if things do not get any better. I am not looking for sex every night but the one time of week it does happen I want it to be of quality and not like a chore or duty to her. Any wives out there care to give me advice on how to fix my wife?:scratchhead:


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You can't fix your wife, she can only fix herself. Even though I'm a woman, I do understand where you are coming from. Your wife is not connected to you emotionally at all. Doing all the chores has made her lazy, so it appears. Especially if she does not work.

My husband does a lot for me, actually he is there by my side making sure I'm feeling okay. I've had a bad neck injury and a recent kidney infection. He never in the last 12 years ever demanded or expected sex or sexual favors. I really noticed that, even on our lesser frequent times. Neither one of us ever had held resentment toward one another either. We are very good communicators. We both talk calmly and never accuse each other of anything.

However, I've never in my life acted cold toward my husband for any reason. We have a fabulous relationship and neither one of us expect anything from each other. I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure there are others here who are going to tell you to man up. Your wife sounds like she takes advantage of you and does not sound very loving. I don't think doing her chores are meeting her needs. I'm not sure how your going about asking her or if she works outside the home. If she works outside the home, she could be exhausted too. My needs are my husband snuggling up to me, conversation, kisses and holding my hand.

Maybe it's time for a seperation, especially if she refuses marriage counceling. I can't imagine living like that. Once a week is not asking for much, but her not into it is even worse. I'm sure someone here will have great advice. In the mean time, good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are frustrated,
You might try a few books.
The 5 Love Languages, for example. If you read it together, she might realise what it means to you, and you might learn what her love language is.

(Meaning she might not respond to services as a love language).
Her love language might be talking. Or non-sexual touch. 
If she isn't getting her emotional needs met, that might cause her to be cold and distant.

Another book is His Needs Her Needs. I found this helpful in understanding a man's sex drive versus a woman's. 

Other reason's for a woman to be distant can include resentment. (in your case, not because of house or kids, but maybe because of some other reason)

Hope you are able to find some answers.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

MMSL is your best friend right now. Being more beta than you already are will not make your wife crave sex with you. Alpha up, buddy!


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

MSP said:


> MMSL is your best friend right now. Being more beta than you already are will not make your wife crave sex with you. Alpha up, buddy!


MSP is 100% correct. I would take it would step further, ask your wife to start helping more around the house.

The fact that she says "lets get this over with" or "you do not deserve it" is a load of crap.

I think your wife knows you would never cheat because you sound like a nice guy. I think she uses this and takes you for granted. Forget about the sex and lack of affection for a minute and focus on mutual respect. Lay down the law, she needs to start helping out around the house.
Forget about the MC for now, start acting like a man. Maybe that is what she is looking for. Stop doing all the nice things you do for her she will take notice.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

That's pretty harsh.
He's providing service. Not a word about how he is treating her otherwise. Other websites gave you advice to talk to her.. probably along the lines of meeting her emotional needs?

It's not a load of crap if she is not feeling loved. It's a fact of life. 

Here's some insight.
She's probably now depressed, on top of all of it. 
17 years later... resentment has probably set in. Big time. 
One dinner, on VDay (when it's expected) isn't going to fix whatever is wrong. Neither is doing all the housework.

For some people, sex is NOT transactional. I read that it might be, for you. Maybe she isn't. 

Start dating your wife. Stop focusing on transactional expectations.

Get a sitter. Take her out once a week. Go do some fun things together. Learn how to be a couple again. Not with the expectation of having sex, but with the intent of becoming a couple that loves each other and wants to be together. What do you have to lose?


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

so here's what i see. you do things for her, you get nothing. so you do MORE things for her.

she sees that not having sex with you got you to do more. so now you "cook dinner practically every night" and "on AND ON AND ON". just think of what you will be doing a year or two from now if you reward her lack of sex by doing more for her.

back off. find stuff to do yourself. "sorry, honey, can't clean this weekend. going fishing saturday and going shopping for some new clothes on sunday."

stop rewarding her for her behavior.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

I am not a wife but am a husband in a sexless marriage (as in zero times per month, year, etc). Sometimes thing wont change no matter what you do..but you should try the recommendations here and see if they help. If not, just make sure you are happy with the other parts of your life and rejoice with the fact that you get regular sex! Things could be a lot worse for you... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Unfortunately, I have had years to think about this issue and the more I look into it the less convinced I am that there is real "answer" for persistent long term senselessness. Some spouses simply lose their sex drive and without his or her active involvement and concern, nothing you do will change that. It may turn around at some point if her hormonal balance changes but in most cases, the marriage will either end or the rejected partner will wait until age takes away his or her own sex drive. 


I do think you need to start with yourself and rebuilding your sense of self worth. Stop measuring yourself by her desire for you.

Stop being a compulsive pleaser, it will only earn you contempt or being taken for granted. There is zero motivation to change when your spouse is compulsively attempting to please you.


You will have to face some difficult decisions about how you are going to respond to your new platonic relationship with your wife and whether you want to resign yourself to living the rest of your life without sex. 


For me it helped to actually decide sex was over in our marriage. It may sound foolish since it is not happening in any case but I found simply accepting that fact was sad but liberating.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## fixmywife (Feb 16, 2012)

Thanks for all the suggestions / comments and I have tried just about everything. I have tried getting a baby sitter and taking her on a date and it never worked! I think I am going to have to throw in the towel and just live with it. Lets face it some people are not gonna change and will continue to be set in their own ways. Its just not fair to have to live like this!:scratchhead:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are stuck on transactional concepts....

The point of dating is to re-connect. It take more than one date. 
It's to get you talking, regain some intimacy outside of the bedroom, so both of you are able to talk about the relationship and find out what your needs are. 

It's obvious that she doesn't repsond to acts of service.
And after many years, it's going to take time to see any changes.

And I agree you could stop doing so many things for her. But please consider that it is should NOT be to punish her because she isn't giving you meaningful sex more than once a week. 

It should be because you need the time to focus on yourself. 

You need some space to be able to accept that it could be your behavior ( or lack of) that has caused her to shut down. 

Consider reading the books mentioned. At the very least, find out what each other's love language is, and what your needs are. 
If you don't know what her needs are, how do you know if you are meeting them? She may not know how to express them, she may have years ago and you missed the subtle clues.

Yup, some people are not gonna change. They don't have to. The point of being married isn't to bend to your partner's ways all the time, but to meet each other's needs in their own love language.
It's a common mistake. Assuming they have the same love language as you do. 

Encourage her to come here and post. Share this with her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

fixmywife said:


> Thanks for all the suggestions / comments and I have tried just about everything. I have tried getting a baby sitter and taking her on a date and it never worked! I think I am going to have to throw in the towel and just live with it. Lets face it some people are not gonna change and will continue to be set in their own ways. Its just not fair to have to live like this!:scratchhead:


I disagree totally.

If you are a good husband to her, and she feels loved, happy and fulfilled in her life all you need to do is tell her how you expect her to act in relation to sex with you.

At the moment, she does not realize how important sex is to you at an emotional level.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Hicks said:


> I disagree totally.
> 
> If you are a good husband to her, and she feels loved, happy and fulfilled in her life all you need to do is tell her how you expect her to act in relation to sex with you.
> 
> At the moment, she does not realize how important sex is to you at an emotional level.


I'm not sure how you can be so confident, that A) he has not expressed his feelings and B) she will respond if told.

Do you imagine that is all that is required in these situations?

If she is avoiding sex, she can simply choose not to hear or understand him. Also she may not actually really understand herself why she feels the way she does. If so, she will cling to any barrier to sex or refuse to even admit there is a problem. In her mind the thought process may be

"I don't want sex"

"I don't want to think of myself as failing or the bad guy in this marriage."

"Therefore my husband must be failing in some way and causing my lack of desire"

"If he corrects his behaviour as requested, then he is only doing that for sex and therefore I am even more turned off."


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

fixmywife said:


> I cook dinner practically every night, I help do laundry, I vacuum, dust, help kids with home work, take them to dental,orthodontist,doctors appointments, on AND ON AND ON you get it. I do more than most other hubands around the house and it gets me very little.


There's your problem... I wouldn't screw you either!

What the heck does she do?


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## Manspeak (Feb 17, 2012)

We have been married a long time; there have been many changes over the years but our loving relationship has endured challenges the same as most marriages. 
Recently, my wife wanted to limit our intimacy to once/week and I needed it 2-3 times ( t=735). She said once is enough and I told her that while I will not go outside of our marriage for sex, I will end the marriage over this issue. When she realized that I was serious, she became more willing to offer a more loving sexual experience for both of us several times a week.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

fixmywife said:


> I am new to this but needed advice. I have been married for 17 years with 2 kids, 10 ans 14 years old. My wife has been cold for years and never intiates sex and just treats it like a chore, when I do ask she just says lets go get this over with! I try to talk to her but it never works and ends up into an arguement. I have read other site for advice and they all say help more talk more be more understanding??? I cook dinner practically every night, I help do laundry, I vacuum, dust, help kids with home work, take them to dental,orthodontist,doctors appointments, on AND ON AND ON you get it. I do more than most other hubands around the house and it gets me very little. She will give sex when she feels I deserve it, once a week or when she by some out of this world reason might be in the mood. Valentines day just passed and I made her a romantic dinner with wine, and conversation but nothing not even a kiss or I love you??? I was close to cheating a few years back but I did not nor will I. I just need more out of her and not sure what I will do if things do not get any better. I am not looking for sex every night but the one time of week it does happen I want it to be of quality and not like a chore or duty to her. Any wives out there care to give me advice on how to fix my wife?:scratchhead:


Yes, I will give you some advice. 

Don't worry about fixing your wife - because you can't do that.

Worry about fixing YOURSELF first. She will either respond to that, or she won't. But, you will be the best that YOU can be.

With all that you do around the house for her, and the fact that you may have some covert contracts going on (whereby you think 'if I do x, y, z then she will do s, e, x and she isn't even aware of the contract), you sound like something of a 'nice' guy.

See if you are by taking this assessment:

No More Mr. Nice Guy! - Take the No More Mr. Nice Guy! Self-Assessment

and here's the book:

http://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

Working on yourself - and finding value, worth, and respect within yourself - becoming the best version of a man that you can be, would have a tremendous impact on your life, your wife, and your relationship.

Best wishes.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The paranoid jilted husband in me just has to throw this out....

She might be in a long term affair with another man? 

Have you ever checke her e-mails, Facebook chats or cell phone records?


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Lionelhutz (Princeton Law, class of ____) is correct. It is refreshing to read some practical, pragmatic advice. If someone doesn't want to be with you, they just don't want to be with you. She stays for her own selfish reasons that 9 times out of 10 have to do with money. Am I the only one that notices when men have lack of affection problems with their wives the advice is almost always what the man is doing wrong? And when it is the other way around it is "he is just not that into you" advice? When someone doesn't want to be with you, going out of your way to be nice and doing nice things (dinners, movies, etc.) only makes you less attractive to them. It makes you look sad and pathetic. Women can spot that a mile away. But the good news is that nothing will make you realize you need to move on like sitting across the table from someone at a restaurant on a "date" and having nothing to talk about.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Enchantment said:


> Yes, I will give you some advice.
> 
> Don't worry about fixing your wife - because you can't do that.
> 
> ...



I agree!!!! It seems to be a trend that men try the do more for her...be more communicative....treat her special...etc. These*are*the things you should both be doing for each other....not just you for her. You can't pursuade her to change unless she first wants too change. 

It is a fact that people don't change long terrm behaviors without some kind of shock/jolt to shake them lose. Its time for that serious talk about "I am not ok with our marriage as it is" and "here are two business cards (one for a lawyer and one for a marriage counselor) which one do you (she) want me to use".

No giving up you deserve the fulfilling marriage you want for the two of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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