# Marriage not what I thought it would be...



## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

I am a new member and am posting out of desperation. I am a 36 yo man and have been married to my wife for 1 1/2 years. Allthough I love her and want to be married to her I don't know how long it will last if things don't change. My #1 problem in our marriage is her lack of affection towards me. She has never been as affectionate as I would like as far as she's not big on hugs or kisses. But it seems as soon as we got married things got much worse compared to our 2 years of "dating".

It's a very long and complicated story but I will try to make it short. When we 1st started dating she could'nt keep her hands off me. And for the first year we probably had sex 4 or 5 times a week.It was AMAZING! It started to taper off when she started nursing school, and I understood. Then it took another drop when she started having legal trouble with her daughters biological father, and again I understood. She claimed the stress from these 2 events were affecting her sex drive. Well we got married, which solved her legal problems since I adopted her daughter and then she graduated from school. Didn't get better. So now here I am 3 1/2 years into this relationship (total) and we now have sex 1 or maybe 2 times a month, and only after begging. It is driving me insane! 

My wife can't deal with stress period. EVERYTHING stresses her out. I seriously think she needs medication to help her but she refuses. She said her sex drive would come back after school and after we got married it didn't. She said she was stressed about money ,so I pay almost all the household bills so that she can pay down her massive credit card debt. The only things she pays for are her credit cards, groceries and the tuition for our daughter to go to catholic school (which I don't agree with but have been over ruled). She said work stresses her out so I said don't work full time just work part time, that didn't help. The list of her stresses go on and on. Occasionally she makes promises to me that she'll "try" but she never follows through. I know that stress is a big factor but she also uses it as her main excuse. I also hear, "im tired, im exhausted, back hurts, head hurts, too much to do, kids need something, dog needs attention, etc". Her list of excuses is never-ending!

In her defense, I do believe stress affects her libido. We went on a 5 day trip last month, just the 2 of us, and over those 5 stress free days we had sex 8 times and she even initiated it once. And on that trip she promised things would be different when we got back. She agreed we would start having sex atleast twice a week. It's been a month and we have had sex 1 time. I'm 36 years old am I'm sick of having to masturbate!!!

I swear I have tried everything, helping more around the house, offering to let her quit working, dinners, flowers,cards and all kind of romantic things. Nothing works. Most of the time I'm not even allowed to bring the subject up because she gets so defensive and angry.

Before anybody suggests that there might be someone else, let me assure you there isn't. I was married to a cheater for 9 years and was burned real bad. I now know the behavior and how to spot it. It will not happen again. I am positive there isn't someone else. I truely believe it's the stress of her everyday life that is mostly responsible for her lack of libido. The question is, how do I fix it? She refuses to see a counselor and her OBGYN tested her blood and said it's fine....

I appologize for my rambling and jumping all over the place. I am just so frustrated and don't know what to do. It's to the point that I lie in bed at night staring at the ceiling and I think "I can't believe this is how my life is". I thought I had found the answer to happiness in her and my new daughter after going through a terrible divorce, but now I have a whole new set of problems. 

Bottom line is this. I love my wife, I think she is very hot, I want to have sex with her and only her.Alot of it. She's not interested and doesn't seem to really care much how I feel. I don't want another divorce, but I NEED SEX. What should I do?


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> What are her monthly expenses for credit debt and catholic school?
> 
> Does her income exceed those expenses?
> 
> ...




No, her income far exceeds her exspenses and she works on average only around 30 hours a week. I don't know if her quitting work would help that much, even though I have offered that in the past. She does have a shopping problem, that's why she has racked up 50k in credit card bills over the last 15 years. Honestly i'm reluctant to take all the responsibility for that debt just so I can have sex with my wife. I believe she allready has it pretty good now that we are married and she has moved into my house....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You really have a very serious problem and unless she comes on here and we hear her side of the story there cant be much we can do.
I am not a great believer in these stress stories, they are usually only excuses. For some reason your wife doesnt fancy you anymore. I am sorry to put it to you but you really have to get your act together. Find out from a lawyer what would happen if you divorce, and then offer her an ultimatum. It may sound harsh but you must tell her you love her but you just cant go on without sex. Dont think women dont understand. They do most likely better than men.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

accept said:


> You really have a very serious problem and unless she comes on here and we hear her side of the story there cant be much we can do.
> I am not a great believer in these stress stories, they are usually only excuses. For some reason your wife doesnt fancy you anymore. I am sorry to put it to you but you really have to get your act together. Find out from a lawyer what would happen if you divorce, and then offer her an ultimatum. It may sound harsh but you must tell her you love her but you just cant go on without sex. Dont think women dont understand. They do most likely better than men.


Yes, I realize this is serious. I don't think she would ever come on here to discuss it. She won't even discuss it with me. I just tried again on to get rebuffed again. Like always she got overly angry and then just refuses to even communicate with me. I've just about reached my limit. I don't even need to go ask an attorney what to expect. I'm sure I will have to pay out the ass just like my first divorce. This is very depressing...


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## Jamie829 (Jan 2, 2012)

I feel your pain. Rejection is frustrating and hurtful especially from your spouse. Did you read my thread? My husband has no interest in sex either. I wish I had answers for you. I hope you find the answers you need to make 2012 a better year. Good luck sweetie.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

When you bring up the subject, you mentioned that she gets overly angry and refuses to communicate etc. I hate to say this, but it appears, she's no longer interested in having sex with you. 
Her reaction also tells me, her feelings for you are also changing. Because that kind of reaction, is not a loving wife who's concern about her husband's feelings, needs etc! I'm sorry ...


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Thank you both for your responses. I really do appreciate them. What i don't understand is as I said earlier, just 5 weeks ago we went on vacation togethor for 5 days and it was like another honeymoon. She made promises that our sex life wouldnt go back to pathetic once we returned to reality, but that's exactly what happened. What is going on in my wifes head?!!!


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Jamie829 said:


> I feel your pain. Rejection is frustrating and hurtful especially from your spouse. Did you read my thread? My husband has no interest in sex either. I wish I had answers for you. I hope you find the answers you need to make 2012 a better year. Good luck sweetie.


Yes I did read your thread. I think we are in very similar situations. I wish I had answers for both of us. I'm sorry for your pain, but you are not alone in it.....


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## janemilda (Dec 21, 2011)

I think your issue is a very common one, from what I've read on marriage/sex forums.

Possible solutions include: scheduling sex, more discussion of what you need, counseling (for both her stress issues and your marriage).

Frankly, this is modern life: EVERYONE is stressed. But that's not valid reason for ignoring a major part of what should be the most important relationship in your life.


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

How long do you think it would take her to pay off her debts?



accept said:


> I am not a great believer in these stress stories, they are usually only excuses. For some reason your wife doesnt fancy you anymore.


I'd disagree. 

Maybe there are other ways she can relieve stress? Yoga or meditation? Exercise? A massage? Spoiling her with a romantic evening might even work.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

janemilda said:


> I think your issue is a very common one, from what I've read on marriage/sex forums.
> 
> Possible solutions include: scheduling sex, more discussion of what you need, counseling (for both her stress issues and your marriage).
> 
> Frankly, this is modern life: EVERYONE is stressed. But that's not valid reason for ignoring a major part of what should be the most important relationship in your life.


I don't think scheduling would go over very well, I'm not even allowed to ask "how about tonight?". Counseling is definitely what she/we need, but so far she won't go. Her family is totally different than mine in as far as they don't discuss feelings & problems and none of them would ever go to counseling. Counseling is definitely part of the answer though. 

I love what you said about everyone is stressed in modern life. Very true. I think it just affects her differently than most people. I honestly believe she needs zoloft or paxil to help her deal with stress....


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

dymo said:


> How long do you think it would take her to pay off her debts?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Well, when we first got married I came up with a plan for her to pay off all her debt in 2 years (with me paying all the other bills) but so far she isn't following it at all. Money is our other main problem. She is totally irresponsible with it, won't stop shopping (everything is too good of a deal to pass up) and she won't save at all. For example, over Christmas she bought our daughter 27 presents from "Santa" and 15 from "us". Way overboard. Plus I asked for a $199 kindle fire, she bought me a $700 Ipad + $150 in accesories instead. so of course this caused a fight on Christmas because she charged thousands on gifts for our Daughter & I. Ridiculous.

She does feel much better when she exercises, but don't you know she has no time?!!! lol


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Forgive me, but I wanted to ask if you have talked to her about how to handle her stress, as opposed to the sex frequency?

I understand that the lack of sex is a need that is being ignored, and I do think it's imortant that she understands just HOW big of a deal this is, but if she is saying that she is too stressed... 

Ask her specifically what you can do to alleviate the stress ?
and
Ask her specficially what she is going to do about it?

Something actionable. Kinda make a point that she needs to address this. 

Some people find sex relieves stress, some might need to be relaxed in order to have sex. Which one are you? Are you different in this way?


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Yes we have talked about how to relieve her stress. Originally she said she would feel much better after I adopted her daughter (the loser bio-father would be out of the picture) and also once she finished school. Both of those things happened and nothing changed. Then it was once she got a new job, that happened and nothing changed. Then she said if I did more to help out around the house ( I allready did quite a bit), so I started doing even more, again, nothing changed. I do think if she exercised more it would help, but as I said, she claims she doesn't have time...

Ah yea, she needs to be totally stress free to have sex. Doesn't matter to me, I can be ready any time and any place....


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Yeah, maybe she does need to look into this for herself.


Yes, exercise can help, you can try telling her that she should make time for herself and make it a priority. 

Utimately,she does need to take responsibility for her own sanity and well being. 

Has she ever said what SHE is going to do about it? I mean, you can offer to help and sounds like you have done that, but it's her thing to resolve. Not just for the marriage, but to avoid all those health issues related to being stressed all the time. 

There are so many simple things someone can do to relax.... 

If she is using it as an excuse, I guess you will know that if she says nothing or does nothing about it.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

She is OUT OF CONTROL and refusing therapy. Time to draw a line in the sand.

Tell her that you are not interested in staying in the marriage unless she gets a handle on her shopping addiction and stress. This is not the behavior of a mentally balanced woman. 

I would also cut off ALL access to any credit cards, ATM card, etc. She is bleeding you dry. I would return the iPad (by the way, I got my hubby the Kindle Fire and he loves it) and tell her that you cannot afford it right now.

I would also STOP doing all the asskissing you are currently doing. She has you bending over backwards right now, but what is SHE doing to help make the marriage better? Someone has to be the responsible adult in this relationship and it seems like she's just wanting to be a princess who is taken care of. Time for her to put on her big girl panties and act like an adult. Mature adults deal with their problems by getting help when they need it, and she needs it. But unless you give you an ultimatum, she really has no incentive to change her behavior. People treat us the way we allow them to.

I would tell her that you are going to consult with an attorney if she doesn't get her act together.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

needing_affection said:


> Counseling is definitely what she/we need, but so far she won't go. Her family is totally different than mine in as far as they don't discuss feelings & problems and none of them would ever go to counseling. Counseling is definitely part of the answer though.





needing_affection said:


> Money is our other main problem. She is totally irresponsible with it, won't stop shopping (everything is too good of a deal to pass up) and she won't save at all.



They say the top 3 Marraige destroyers are :

1. Sex 
2. Money 
3. Communication

You have all 3 of these going on. I so agree with every word of 
Laurae1967's post.....It is time for some TOUGH LOVE, she is out of control, has no discipline with her spending- no concern for your welfare, you was kind enough to adopt her daughter in all of this....... If she would quit all this time shopping & racking up the bills outside of her work schedule , it would cut down on her stress and she could find time to be with her husband, learn to heartfully communicate. 

Time to let her know what she stands to loose . Otherwise, if this continues on the course it is, you will be ripe for falling into the arms of another .... how long do you think you can stand being in a near sexless marraige? Sexless is considered less than 10 times a year, you are pretty close -with the exception of those vacations. That is no way to live in a marraige. The Resentment will eat you alive, doesn't matter how much you love her. 

Her lack of willingness to sit down, hear you out, discuss these issues with a plan for real change, including getting counseling - is reason enough to do an ultimatum on her. Sometimes it takes something drastic to open anothers eyes. Unfortunetly it often works that way. 

You have allowed her to put a straight jacket on you.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Thank you deejov, Laurae1967, and SimplyAmorous for your opinions and advice. It makes me feel much better and more empowered. I have decided to stop the "ass-kissing" and take a more hard-line stance. I haven't spoken to her in 1 1/2 days, only a few unproductive texts. I told her I'm insisting we go to see a counselor because we obviously can't work out our problems on our own. Haven't gotten a definite answer on wether she will go. She's good at avoiding a question. Looks like another long spell of no lovin! lol


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Good to hear you are listening to Laurae1967's advice! She's right on target!! Bottom line, MAN-UP and stop making excuses for your wife's behavior / or bailing her out. If she refuses to see MC with you, then she's not taking you or the relationship seriously. You must take the next step and that is to file for divorce and see what she does! Perhaps that may open her eyes for once, who knows!
But you deserve so much better and if you continue on this path, you will find yourself bitter, resentful and very unhappy!
Here's a good quote: 
"The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others" 
~ Dr. Sonya Friedman


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I understand because my wife was that way in the past, only not to that extent. I just know that she became a different person when we were away together. Many women don't get the importance of sex to men. Here are two articles:

When a Woman Isn't in the Mood: Part I - Page 1 - Dennis Prager - Townhall Conservative

When a woman isn’t in the mood: Part 2

Also check this out:

Married Man Sex Life

If she would read a great book with you that address many marital issues including sex, check out "The Couple Checkup"

http://www.amazon.com/Couple-Checkup-Find-Relationship-Strengths/dp/0785228276


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

needing_affection said:


> Yes we have talked about how to relieve her stress. Originally she said she would feel much better after I adopted her daughter (the loser bio-father would be out of the picture) and also once she finished school. Both of those things happened and nothing changed. Then it was once she got a new job, that happened and nothing changed. Then she said if I did more to help out around the house ( I allready did quite a bit), so I started doing even more, again, nothing changed. I do think if she exercised more it would help, but as I said, she claims she doesn't have time...
> 
> Ah yea, she needs to be totally stress free to have sex. Doesn't matter to me, I can be ready any time and any place....


Do you think she lacks the self-awareness necessary to honestly explain what she needs, or is she intentionally misleading you?


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi

Responses below yours. 

Marriage not what I thought it would be...
I am a new member and am posting out of desperation. I am a 36 yo man and have been married to my wife for 1 1/2 years. Allthough I love her and want to be married to her I don't know how long it will last if things don't change. My #1 problem in our marriage is her lack of affection towards me. She has never been as affectionate as I would like as far as she's not big on hugs or kisses. But it seems as soon as we got married things got much worse compared to our 2 years of "dating".


Judith: The key is to have a heart to heart talk with her and find out why she hasnt followed through. Yes stress is a factor. It will take a few times for your wife to see the value of the nonsexual touch daily. Women need to have some nonsexual affection first before ever engage in sex. Talking is critical for her to unwind to want sex. it is valuable for her to have convo before sex ever takes place and helps in the sex dept. date once a week will help. Ask her if once every other week is ok. Some women have to put it on their calendar to remember. Maybe come up with a code word to put on the calendar that you both know-sometimes it can be like ice cream-you want but yet you dont but you do it anyway and glad you did. 

, SEx Essentials will help her to want sex more than not

Birth control can be a factor in not wanting it. Reading books by sex therapists will help you both in the long run. You can get counseling that way. 

It's a very long and complicated story but I will try to make it short. When we 1st started dating she could'nt keep her hands off me. 

Judith: Write her an email and remind her of that and and ask her why that is not occuring now. It is vital that you reach her mind and heart of you and remind her of you daily so that she can be interest in turning on and wanting to feel you with her. 

And for the first year we probably had sex 4 or 5 times a week.It was AMAZING! It started to taper off when she started nursing school, and I understood. Then it took another drop when she started having legal trouble with her daughters biological father, and again I understood. She claimed the stress from these 2 events were affecting her sex drive. 

Judith: Yes becuase it was affecting her emotionally and women need emotions and nonsexual touch working together as sexual touch starts. etc

and only after begging. It is driving me insane!

Judith: I would stop asking for it and do nonsexual touch. start the convo througout the day. Sex begins in the Kitchen before the bedroom. 

My wife can't deal with stress period. EVERYTHING stresses her out. I seriously think she needs medication to help her but she refuses. 

Judith: THere is over the counter stuff for stress that she can take. 

The list of her stresses go on and on. Occasionally she makes promises to me that she'll "try" but she never follows through. I know that stress is a big factor but she also uses it as her main excuse. I also hear, "im tired, im exhausted, back hurts, head hurts, too much to do, kids need something, dog needs attention, etc". Her list of excuses is never-ending!

Judith: Women can develop anxiety when they havent had sex for so long. Mentally there is a factor in why she is not wanting it. She doesnt understand that you show her love in sex and is wired that way. You need to explain things like that to her

In her defense, I do believe stress affects her libido.

JUidht see above. 

We went on a 5 day trip last month, just the 2 of us, and over those 5 stress free days we had sex 8 times and she even initiated it once. And on that trip she promised things would be different when we got back. She agreed we would start having sex atleast twice a week. It's been a month and we have had sex 1 time. I'm 36 years old am I'm sick of having to masturbate!!!

Judith; Ask her why

I swear I have tried everything, helping more around the house, offering to let her quit working, dinners, flowers,cards and all kind of romantic things. Nothing works. Most of the time I'm not even allowed to bring the subject up because she gets so defensive and angry.

Judith: Ask her why it is such a struggle for her to do-she needs safety and so on in order to open up vaginally

The question is, how do I fix it? She refuses to see a counselor and her OBGYN tested her blood and said it's fine....

Bottom line is this. I love my wife, I think she is very hot, I want to have sex with her and only her.Alot of it. She's not interested and doesn't seem to really care much how I feel. I don't want another divorce, but I NEED SEX. What should I do? 

Judith: See above

Thoughts? 

Judith


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Judith, thank you for your input. I do talk to her alot, its pretty much ALL we do. And I think my Wife is a little different than the average woman. She doesn't need or want daily touching. I crave hugs and kisses (non sexual too), she says she doesn't need or really want that....

Yep, she said it might be the birth control she was on. I didnt believe that because she had been on the same BC since I met her and sex used to be great. She insisted I get a vesectomy so she could get off of it, I eventually agreed and got it done 4 months ago. Her sex drive is even worse now and now she has terrible cramps for a week straight adding even more to the problem...

I dont really know what else to say to her. I try and try and try. She gets defensive no matter how I bring it up. I really think counseling and or meds are the answer. I'll keep working trying to convince her to go....


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Needing_affection

Hi

responses below yours. 

udith, thank you for your input. I do talk to her alot, its pretty much ALL we do. And I think my Wife is a little different than the average woman. She doesn't need or want daily touching. I crave hugs and kisses (non sexual too), she says she doesn't need or really want that....

Juidth: YOur welcome. Yes women one of their five needs is nonsexual affection-it is probably because of either sexual trauma in her past or she is not feeling safe and has anxiety over no sex for so long. Do you talk about what she wants to talk about it? What interests her? 

It sounds to me like she has sexual trauma of some kind -usually women will want touch of some kind maybe not every day but at least a hug if for whatever reason they are struggling with needing something. 

I have some attachments that will help you if you are intersted-I dont know how to attach them in here to you only -how do you want to receive them-the only thing I know is email. or I can give you ideas of how...

Yep, she said it might be the birth control she was on. I didnt believe that because she had been on the same BC since I met her and sex used to be great. She insisted I get a vesectomy so she could get off of it, I eventually agreed and got it done 4 months ago. Her sex drive is even worse now and now she has terrible cramps for a week straight adding even more to the problem...


jUidht; THere is over the counter sex stuff that will help her to turn on for women. Sex Essentials is one. There is stuff she can take over the counter that is excellent for cramps. For women it is in the mind that they need to reconcile why sex is a struggle emotionally-her emotions and physical go together WHOLE

It can be great again but there are things you need to do to go slow to work back up to it when it comes to a woman. 

I dont really know what else to say to her. I try and try and try. She gets defensive no matter how I bring it up. I really think counseling and or meds are the answer. I'll keep working trying to convince her to go....

Judith Try email and ask her if there is some trauma going on. She may need to just talk to someone online about what she is struggling with before therapy. Some women wont go if it has t o do with sex due to self consciousness becuase we come at it from a mental,emotional, relational viewpoint. 

Only ask her for nonsexual touch and ask for hugs only 

Write soon

Judith


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

It sounds like she has very few, if any, coping skills.

She needs to learn how to deal with her stress... I personally think she should go to a counselor.

I think Laurae gave you some great advice.
Sex is an important part of most marriages. If you aren't happy and she isn't invested enough to change her ways to improve the marriage, then it's time to walk. Give her an ultimatum... If she really cares for you and your marriage, she will seek help.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

deejov said:


> Forgive me, but I wanted to ask if you have talked to her about how to handle her stress, as opposed to the sex frequency?
> 
> I understand that the lack of sex is a need that is being ignored, and I do think it's imortant that she understands just HOW big of a deal this is, but if she is saying that she is too stressed...
> 
> ...


On top of what's been pointed out earlier, I'll note that she came to you in a state of need:

1) She did not have her nursing degree and thus did not have a means of supporting herself.
2) She was having legal problems with her ex.
3) She needed a father for her daughter (IMO if he was willing to relinquish parental rights he was not all that involved).

I know it sucks to consider this, but it is possible that these needs impacted her behavior?

Hate to say it, but you screwed up by adopting her daughter before knowing if this relationship would work. Make sure you don't get her pregnant until all this is resolved. Also know that you are 50% parent to her daughter legally, so you do have every right to decide what goes on in her life.

I would do the following:

First, have a sit down with your wife. Reiterate that the sex is not satisfactory and you expect her to integrate your needs into her daily life (rather than wait for a vacation or down time). Tell her that you have been patient and done everything you can on your own to alleviate her stress. Then tell her that she is responsible for her sexual response - she can fix it with or without your help but you will hold her accountable regardless.

Second, build yourself a satisfying life. Do less for her and more for you. Not only will you be happier and not dwell on the lack of sex, but it will shake up any sense of complacency she might have had about you (that "well I have him now so I don't have to try" thing).

Third, talk to an attorney about your situation. I really don't think you would owe much to her in spousal support since you have not been married long and she makes good money (and could work full-time if she had to). I don't know how child support would work; my gut says you owe just like for a biological child. But, I could be wrong or she might be willing to give that up in exchange for non-interference (because if you are considered a parent you have rights).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she is having so much trouble handling stress, how does this affect her job? 

What shift does she work? Nights?

Nursing can be very stressful. 

Could this be part of the problem?


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

This may be harsh, but I am going to call it exactly as I see it and not hold back, but you need to hear it raw. You've been warned.

I hate to say it, but your marriage is not going to get any better, no matter how much talking or counseling you do. That's because for her, things are good. It's only you that has the problem.

Basically you've fallen for a classic "bait and switch" scheme. She got what she needed - to be married and have 'security', status, someone to pay for things, be a dad for her daughter, do all the dirty jobs in life, etc. Her sexual behavior towards you pre-marriage was the bait. Now that she has gotten what she wanted, she's focusing her attention elsewhere... not on someone else per se, but no longer on pleasing you - she got you to sign on the dotted line already). This is not all that unusual an occurrence sadly. It may not have been something that she clearly and deliberately planned out (though she may have).

Think about it - if it was a life shared with you was what she really wanted, would her behavior have changed so drastically because you said "I do"? But if it was all about just getting to the goal line of acquiring a husband and provider, then yeah - she got to the finish line and isn't playing that game anymore (which corresponds to the sudden and drastic change in behavior). You were just the vehicle to deliver what she really wanted, and now you better see what her priorities really are.

In any event, if you confront her about this, she's going tell you that you got it all wrong, that you're crazy, etc. even if you are right. Right now for her, interacting with you means "managing" you so they she has provide the least amount sex and affection to you - (things that cares very little about when it comes to you) but still stay above the minimum threshold to keep you from making her life too difficult or actually taking action to end the marriage. The stress is just an excuse. I've encountered plenty of women who find that sex relieves and lowers stress for them. But it's much to her advantage for her to convince you that stress is the libido killer. That and all the other things in her never-ending list of excuses. 

Have you ever thought about WHY she refuses to go to counseling so adamantly? It's because she doesn't see a problem in HER life with not being sexual with you. 

All the crap that you've tried - the romance, doing the housework, etc.. you're only rewarding her for her behavior and giving her more reasons to keep ignoring your needs. And her not letting you even bring the subject up? She's used the fact you're locked into the marriage to take the power position and dictate her boundaries to you - and apparently her boundaries include hearing of any dissent from the peons (that's you).

She's not cheating on you... for now... but "she's just not that into you" - she mostly into what you can provide, but not the provider. She warmed on the vacation trip? That's to be expected. She would LOVE it you took her on vacation (and paid for it) every OTHER week of the year. That's a insight to how she sees herself and they kind of life she would rather live.

"Talking" to her is going to get you nowhere but a date with your right hand, and whole lot of gas-lighting ( convincing you that there is no problem, etc ). Look at HER ACTIONS. Therein lies the truth. Words are cheap, words are free, and words are often lies. Actions tell the real story of a person, and what their priorities are.

Right now you are in a marriage with little to no respect for you and your needs. You are looking directly at the rest of your life if you stay in this marriage.

It's time to man up and pull a 180 - you're going to need to put down firm boundaries and expectations, and then have the spine and determination to hold to them under the assault that she is almost guaranteed to unleash on you for daring to assert yourself. It you do this, it's possible she could come around. If you don't, I can guarantee you that it won't be long before you look back at and say "Man, I got a lot of sex in 2011 compared to now".


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

You need to pull a 180 bud. Shes got you under her thumb, kissing her butt.She is working you like a puppet. She may be loosing her attraction to you because of that. 

I'm sure if I am wrong the ladies here will correct me but that is the feeling I get out of this.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Stonewall said:


> You need to pull a 180 bud. Shes got you under her thumb, kissing her butt.She is working you like a puppet. She may be loosing her attraction to you because of that.
> 
> I'm sure if I am wrong the ladies here will correct me but that is the feeling I get out of this.


I see it the same way - as a lady, and would also get her off hormonal birth control, this can only help the situation , never hurt it .. Another alternative , in stead of you getting snipped is...her choosing to get a non-hormonal Copper IUD, these things can stay in for up to 12 long years, no surgery, no pills, no hormones, and once in , you never feel it. 

I Love mine! So long as she is not allergic to Copper and not prone to pelvic infections, this can even be used as temporary Birth control, can take it out at any time & try to conceive, I think it is the best thing on the market if you are in a monogmous relationship personally. And a good 12 long years of protection goes with it. 

What Is ParaGard®? | ParaGard® (copper intrauterine contraceptive)


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

Man, I hear you. My wife and I have been married for 14 years and for the last 6 or so, sex and effection from her is a no show. It's almost like things have to be perfect when we do get together. 1 time per month. That's about the average. I have read multiple post on here about sex and what she needs and what I need. This is my take on this> If you and your spouse are both the same type (have things in common, same sex drive, like to do things together and have fun at it) then the effection and sex will occur naturally. However, if you and your spouse don't match up, (sex drives different, have different likes and dislikes) then it's an up hill battle. IN the first case, then you pretty much don't have to do anything over and above how you normally are, but in the second case, you have to perform multiple tasks, read countless books, and make sure the stars are aligned at night before your needs are met and before her needs are met. The second case is where my wife and I fit in. It's frustrating, it's exhausting, and in some cases, it's just not worth it. In this situation, I doubt if any counseling can alter how someone naturally is. It's like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Sorry your having to deal with it like I am but it is somewhat comforting to know that we're not alone in this mess.


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## Jwayne (Dec 4, 2011)

I've basically put up a wall around me now. Emotional wall. I don't initiate anything. Talking, touching........... She's a beautiful woman but that doesn't meet my needs. Being around her is like a smoking addict keeping a pack of cigarettes close by after they've given up smoking. They're trying to quit but they have to look and see the package but they can't touch it. So, in the case, I just try to avoid being around her as much as possible.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

needing_affection said:


> Thank you both for your responses. I really do appreciate them. What i don't understand is as I said earlier, just 5 weeks ago we went on vacation togethor for 5 days and it was like another honeymoon. She made promises that our sex life wouldnt go back to pathetic once we returned to reality, but that's exactly what happened. What is going on in my wifes head?!!!


I seriously think she is stressed out to the max. You said you went on vac. and had sex often. What went on during that time that made her feel relaxed? not just the not working part, but what did you guys talk about? how was your mood?

Is there anyway you guys could afford some help in the home. I know she only works 30 hours right?, but she's a nurse, it's a very stressful job.

Do you guys ever get away, maybe just for a night in a Hotel, just the two of you. Before our two younger children came, we used to get away for a night. We'd lie in bed, order in food, laugh and just have fun, and have some great sex. Unfortunately, we can't get someone to watch our kids overnight now.....that's a whole other story. lol

good luck


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Stonewall said:


> You need to pull a 180 bud. Shes got you under her thumb, kissing her butt.She is working you like a puppet. She may be loosing her attraction to you because of that.
> 
> I'm sure if I am wrong the ladies here will correct me but that is the feeling I get out of this.


I would agree with you completely, but she was more than willing to have sex with him during vacation, and actually initiated it one time.

Other factors are involved.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

Wow, lot's of advice to respond to and I can't type! lol

First of all, no, there isn't any type of sexual abuse in her past to justify her behavior. 2nd, yes I fulfilled some of her needs by marrying her & adopting her daughter (who I love very much), but I also was getting my needs met by having mind-blowing sex frequently. 3rd, I'm almost 37 years old and have allready been divorced once (to a cheater), I really don't want to go through that again. I really want to figure out how to fix this...

I believe you have to have 3 things to stay in a marriage, Love, Respect, & Trust. So far I still have all of those for my wife.

She has been a little more open to talking about the problem lately. And we actually had sex twice in the last few days:smthumbup:. 

She has never been 1 for hugs & kisses and I think it's just how her family is. None of them show any type of affection at all, where my family is always hugging. I just saw her parents kiss for the the 1st time ( a very quick peck) and that was only because it was at there 40th anniversary party and 25 people were banging their glasses...lol

I think it's a combination of almost everything that has been suggested, her failure to deal with stress being #1. She only worked 2 days this past week and I saw a huge difference in her overall behavior.... 

Thank you all for your input. Even if nothing were to improve in my relationship, just knowing I'm not alone makes me feel better....


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

needing_affection said:


> I believe you have to have 3 things to stay in a marriage, Love, Respect, & Trust. So far I still have all of those for my wife....


You need those 3 things, but to have a great relationship you need so much more.

You need compatibility, interests, shared values, shared goals, mutual attraction, the same passions, and other things.

And you both need to be emotionally healthy people who is true to yourself.

The odds are stacked against us all to be that and find someone who fits all that, when you are both single and available.


That's why there are so many divorces and unhappy relationships.

We beat ourselves up with emotional pain because we don't understand it.

Most of us make the innocent and well intentioned mistake of finding someone who meets a few of those criteria. And we are biologically compelled to mate, we have sex, we bond...but....something was missing.

The truth is mother nature does not give a **** if you are really happy.

You're just supposed to procreate. The evolutionary biologists will say this bond only lasts 7 years, (aka the 7 year itch) because that is how long it takes to mate, give birth, and wean a child to be old enough that it won't be completely helpless if suddenly left alone.

Makes sense but it is also shattering to our fairytale image of "happily ever after" that we have been conditioned to believe in since we were young.

But nature is harsh.


It sucks because we're all ignorant about relationships. Nobody tells us anything, because nobody else knew either.


We only have our gut to go by, but enough rejection and heartache erodes your confidence that you no longer trust your gut.

I have been reading Falling in love for the right reasons by Dr Clark, the E-harmony guy.

I use to scoff at his commercials and think he was a weirdo.

But since I have been a repeated loser in love, I finally accepted that I do not have the answers.

Anyways, hope that helps.


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## UCanTalk (Mar 17, 2009)

It sounds like your going through a tough time and I empathize. I dont think there are any quick solutions as your issue sounds as if there are many factors involved, all of which can impinge on your wife's libido. I have struggled with not dissimilar issues for 23 years and it was not until I got my wife to come to MC that things gradually changed. 

Perhaps if I explain my situation it may resonate with yours. I base this on what you have written on how you have run around your wife and its just not working. My own behavior in our marriage played a larger part in why she found sex and intimacy so hard. A lot of my behaviors were co-dependent, i engulfed my wife with my emotional neediness and her being far more emotionally independent, the engulfment made her withdraw even further. This in turn made me feel even more insecure, wanting more sex for reassurance, caused her to withdraw further and so the vicious cycle is set up. This is a common dynamic in LTR's, the love addict and the love avoidant. Read Pia Mellody's book -Facing Love Addiction for more if you think it may apply to you.

Like your wife's family, my wife's family also dont do emotions and are threatened by therapy, despite all being in the caring professions. Hence her difficulty in understanding her withdrawal and inability to express her feelings.

I wonder if this dynamic in your relationship, although it does sound your wife has brought in additional baggage both emotional and physical (a shopping addiction, debts and a child). 

You say you have had your fingers burnt in a previous marriage. Have you explored your responsibility in its failure? Relationship failures are rarely due to just one partner alone.

How you convince you wife to seek professional help is very difficult and even then, unless she goes willingly, it may not help. I eventually got my wife to go to MC 2 years ago and still after 9 months she was not participating fully. It took me becoming limerent over another woman a few weeks after her father died to get her to realize i had had enough and wanted out the marriage. That was a year ago and things are much better and the sex has never been better, but its been a long uphill struggle and we still have ups and downs.

Let me reiterate, ive had 3 years of therapy and am training to be one now and that has perhaps played a bigger part in understanding my own issues and how difficult i have been to live with. My wife had built many years of resentments and breaking these barriers down was also important.

I wish you luck.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Needing,
Do you really think she loves and respects you?

It sure doesn't sound that way from your posts. I would not cause my wife distress by denying her something core to our marriage. Because I love and respect her. 

Your wife's positioning that if she gets to stop working, or work a lot less, she will have more sex with you. It might even be true but it won't last for long. 



QUOTE=needing_affection;552532]Wow, lot's of advice to respond to and I can't type! lol

First of all, no, there isn't any type of sexual abuse in her past to justify her behavior. 2nd, yes I fulfilled some of her needs by marrying her & adopting her daughter (who I love very much), but I also was getting my needs met by having mind-blowing sex frequently. 3rd, I'm almost 37 years old and have allready been divorced once (to a cheater), I really don't want to go through that again. I really want to figure out how to fix this...

I believe you have to have 3 things to stay in a marriage, Love, Respect, & Trust. So far I still have all of those for my wife.

She has been a little more open to talking about the problem lately. And we actually had sex twice in the last few days:smthumbup:. 

She has never been 1 for hugs & kisses and I think it's just how her family is. None of them show any type of affection at all, where my family is always hugging. I just saw her parents kiss for the the 1st time ( a very quick peck) and that was only because it was at there 40th anniversary party and 25 people were banging their glasses...lol

I think it's a combination of almost everything that has been suggested, her failure to deal with stress being #1. She only worked 2 days this past week and I saw a huge difference in her overall behavior.... 

Thank you all for your input. Even if nothing were to improve in my relationship, just knowing I'm not alone makes me feel better....[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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