# He is opening up....



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

I would like to say thank you to those who have helped me with my questions on the men's club (a couple of very good advice and sharing) and give a little update for those interested.

I had not given much information about my H on my original thread other than how I feel. He is a great father, always gentle and caring. We do not fight over anything much, we do not question each other on our finances, we are great partners in parenting and domestic chores, our kids adore him (he is their hero), we support each other in our career goals and he will never say no to me other than talking about some unpleasant events or emotions. We often have great conversations on various subjects except our "emotional issues" which was the only dark spot in our marriage for the last 4 years or so (the first 10 years of marriage was a bliss and the next 3 years was okay). Although we talked in circles about the issues now and then during the last 4 years, the last 2 years were void of complains or emotional connections but we separated our daily lives from this and continued or pretended like nothing is wrong when there was a big elephant sitting in the room. We went on vacations, bought gifts and celebrated special occasions like nothing is wrong. I know this is crazy but he refused to talk about the issues any more and I often ended up talking to the wall so I stopped it. 

I started to resent him for his actions that lead to this and kept adding on to my resentment list. He continued to ignore the issues regardless of how I tried to connect with him emotionally. I wanted to leave him but he begged me not to and promised to work on the matter. However, it did not happen.

He said he wanted to, but procrastinated. I had a month break this year from work and studies so decided to use this time to figure out what to do and so posted on TAM. I had already realized that he was not the only one who messed up the beautiful life we built but I was not able to put my finger on exactly what I did. After following one constructive advice here on TAM I was able to get close to him emotions again. He is still very hesitant to talk freely but we have started talking (phew...that was a break through). Last night was the first day of talking and he told me when it all started and that he too has resentments for some of my actions but was afraid that I will hurt if he tells me So far, he has given me 3 incidents that I agree with and still to come tonight. He has agreed to go for counselling if it will connect us back like we used to be. 

I have felt like leaving him many times during the last 2 years for the emotional rejections but I can't do that without knowing the reasons. I can't quit on my beautiful family without leaving every angle analysed. I will never hesitate to D him if there is cheating or abuse involved though. 


*Aside from my own story...
*
Advocating D seems like the only viable solution here on TAM for many marital issues with some pre set advices. I do not believe in that with the exception to cheating and abuse. We loved and married someone and vowed to stay in sickness and health, it should not be taken too lightly especially when children are involved. I am not saying we should put up with crap for the sake of children but don't quit without trying it all for the sake of children and the person we once loved. We bring lives into this world and we are responsible for their well being. Its not that difficult finding another partner given the divorce rate but it is very unlikely that we are going to find someone without a baggage and some crap. So instead of working on someone else's baggage we can try working on the person who once loved us, the parent of our kids (I don't think anyone can replace their father, he will give his life for them). This doesn't mean I am sacrificing my own happiness for other, but this is my happiness, leaving them or splitting it up will make me miserable in the long run. 

I come from a little collectivist perspective, so it will not appeal to all but marriage is nothing about individualism I guess. I used to read here on TAM many years ago when we first started having problem and I should say that TAM used to be a great place to discover and heal marital problems. There were great members who gave sensitive, respectful and constructive feedbacks and solutions. Its a shame its not the same any more. Its evident from the number of viewers per section. I have seen up to 800 people viewing some sections before which has now dwindled down to less than 100. There are still great people here but I can see that they are not posting much for some reasons or are compelled to post what is generally accepted so as to be accepted and liked? I don't know! I am not sure if staying on here despite my busy schedule will benefit much but definitely there are some fun threads and interesting facts here for the fun and light hearted people. 

Once again, thanks to some who have helped me see my own faults and the way to communicate with my H and find the underlying problems. That has greatly helped. I am confident that things will work out from now on and if it doesn't then I can leave knowing I did my best and did not give up so easily.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I"m glad you are doing better in your relationship. I don't know your history, but it seems like you're on the right track and in a good place.

If you think TAM could be more helpful that it is, maybe you should stick around and offer some of your own lessons learned to other posters.


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

badsanta said:


> Get him to build you a flying swiffer sweeper!
> 
> The best part is you can look at him and say, "I don't know how to fly that thing!" ...and he will have a blast helping around the house.


haha...I am sure he will do more than I need with that. I showed it to him the other day and he seemed intrigued with the idea. Our ceilings are low so he may come up with something for the floor


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Get him to build you a flying swiffer sweeper!



We had a competition at work for this one... Think quadrocopter with several swiffer dusters attached to dust the top of our 4-story atrium...

OP, how were your emotions different between your good years and your not good years? A lot of emotions are a negative feedback loop meaning he picks something off you, withdraws, you do the same... Etc.

What level of expectation are you talking about here in terms of behaviors?


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

john117 said:


> OP, how were your emotions different between your good years and your not good years? A lot of emotions are a negative feedback loop meaning he picks something off you, withdraws, you do the same... Etc.
> 
> What level of expectation are you talking about here in terms of behaviors?


During our good years, I completely trusted him, never insecure or needed his validation much to feel good and we had no problem talking about whatever we wanted. But something happened (due to lies for which he had apologized) after I gave birth and ever since I started doubting him and he clamped up. So I complained (may be I'll bring it up once a month or so whenever something triggered). The more I did the worst it got. 

I don't have much expectations, I like him the way he is but I need him to acknowledge my feelings without feeling attacked and clarify why he keeps rejecting my feelings towards this issue and help me heal from the old wounds. I don't discuss these with families or friends so hard for me to go on without his support. In addition, he seems to have some deep emotional wounds from childhood experiences (which explains his reactions to my expressions) and I am trying to see if he needs professional help to heal that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Print out the man's and the woman's versions of this questionnaire. Sit down together and fill them out. Then go through them out loud. It will help a lot.

Love Busters Questionnaire


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

For a specific issue it may be better to work it out in MC.... Otherwise it becomes a "he said she said" saga...


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> Print out the man's and the woman's versions of this questionnaire. Sit down together and fill them out. Then go through them out loud. It will help a lot.
> 
> Love Busters Questionnaire


This is very very helpful :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

Thank you!


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

john117 said:


> For a specific issue it may be better to work it out in MC.... Otherwise it becomes a "he said she said" saga...


I hope that he will agree


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

tangled123 said:


> I hope that he will agree



Make it worth his while by pointing out it's an "us" activity, not "you need it and I'm tagging along".


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

turnera said:


> Print out the man's and the woman's versions of this questionnaire. Sit down together and fill them out. Then go through them out loud. It will help a lot.
> 
> Love Busters Questionnaire


You still pushing these questionnaires I see


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, I am. The #1 killer of marriages is loss of communication, of becoming combatants and no longer sharing your feelings with your spouse. These questionnaires (LBs as well as the EN ones) are the best things I've ever seen for being able to once again be honest with your spouse and show them how THEY are affecting YOU and adjusting your feelings for them and for the marriage. Gives them the opportunity to make a decision - get to know my spouse once again and also let them get to know me, or continue being enemies.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *tangled123 said*: He said he wanted to, but procrastinated. I had a month break this year from work and studies so decided to use this time to figure out what to do and so posted on TAM. I had already realized that he was not the only one who messed up the beautiful life we built but I was not able to put my finger on exactly what I did.
> 
> After following one constructive advice here on TAM I was able to get close to him emotions again. *He is still very hesitant to talk freely but we have started talking (phew...that was a break through). Last night was the first day of talking and he told me when it all started and that he too has resentments for some of my actions but was afraid that I will hurt if he tells me So far, he has given me 3 incidents that I agree with and still to come tonight. He has agreed to go for counselling if it will connect us back like we used to be.
> *


AWESOME [email protected]# ... I wonder just how OFTEN THIS IS TRUE.. a partner is petrified to open up because they KNOW or assume the other will never be able to accept or hear what they have to say... 

But you did....you looked at your own hand in the issues...and could see (whatever this was) that his struggles had some "validity" ...now that is some healthy workable "self awareness".... when 2 can go there...and rise above.. realizing you both still want what is best for the marriage, the kids, you got lost for a time.. but it's so worth it to get back to where you were...by allowing this opening up/ being vulnerability honest with each other.. 

What a wonderful Break through Tangled123 !! So happy for you! 



> I have felt like leaving him many times during the last 2 years for the emotional rejections *but I can't do that without knowing the reasons*. *I can't quit on my beautiful family without leaving every angle analysed*. I will never hesitate to D him if there is cheating or abuse involved though.


That stubbornness has paid off here.. you were bound & determined to learn WHY.. and you stuck by him... not giving up hope...


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> AWESOME [email protected]# ... I wonder just how OFTEN THIS IS TRUE.. a partner is petrified to open up because they KNOW or assume the other will never be able to accept or hear what they have to say...
> 
> But you did....you looked at your own hand in the issues...and could see (whatever this was) that his struggles had some "validity" ...now that is some healthy workable "self awareness".... when 2 can go there...and rise above.. realizing you both still want what is best for the marriage, the kids, you got lost for a time.. but it's so worth it to get back to where you were...by allowing this opening up/ being vulnerability honest with each other..
> 
> ...


Thank you SA Hoping that he will see the importance and need as much as I do. I have been busy again, so have to wait till the weekend to do the questionnaire. I am excited about the questionnaire


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Time and time again, looking in the mirror and fixing yourself is usually the best course of action to fix issues in your life.

Problem is, no one wants to do that....

Good for you OP. Above is not easy to do AT ALL.


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

DoF said:


> Time and time again, looking in the mirror and fixing yourself is usually the best course of action to fix issues in your life.
> 
> Problem is, no one wants to do that....
> 
> Good for you OP. Above is not easy to do AT ALL.


Thank you! It took me a long time to come to this realization but I am glad its late than never.


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

Just an update...

Firstly, thanks to alphaomega, jung admirer and the others for their posts and advise that helped me understand my husband and improve my communication style.

We spoke for the second time again and he was a lot calmer and did not seem like feeling attacked. For the first time after a long period he wanted know what is missing in my life and to tell him explicitly. I did and he looked hurt and silent for a while. I assured him that I am not blaming him but trying to understand why I feel the way I feel. He admitted that he avoided addressing the issues because he felt embarrassed by what he did and felt that he can never undo what has been done. He said, he felt powerless. He said, he had only read the first email I sent him and have never even opened the rest as felt attacked although I have tried to use "I messages" in the emails. He admitted to going silent thinking time will heal me. He seemed surprised that time has made it worst. 

We talked about our past and it wasn't easy for him. He was often scolded and punished by his teachers and parents for misbehaving. All he heard from the adults around him until he reached 14 was how bad, disobedient, stubborn and naughty he was. The more people told him what to do the more he will not do it until they gave up. He sighted many such incidents from the past and said it made him feel in control of himself. He never ever wanted to lose out to anyone so usually went silent when confronted and neither admitted to any wrong doing nor denied it. However, he learnt that hiding the unpleasant things and lying got his love back for him. He worked hard and brought money home to help the family since 17 and his mother started to show him love and praised him often. This motivated him and he tried to hide whatever flaws he had. It was sad watching him talk about his past but "after the storm comes the calm". 

I tried my best to put aside my own resentments and issues with him and listened like a third party so that he will not clam up. Assured him that I will not stop loving him for little things he mess up, who doesn't mess up from time to time? 

I didn't get to bring up the questionnaire yet as he seems to get tired easily after talking about deep emotions. I am happy that he seems to want to talk more tomorrow. I feel relieved that we are now able to talk. He says he is not sure if he will be able to open up to a counsellor and thinks it will be a waste of $$ and time. He says he is starting to feel comfortable sharing with me and would like me to help him. The problem is I don't know how to help him 

I am now searching for books to help us with this situation. I have "his needs and her needs" book but first we need to heel the wounds. Any thoughts and ideas? How do we heal the childhood wounds? 

Although I am relieved he is opening up, I feel pretty heavy hearted today.........


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

May be I should go for individual counselling first?


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

You don't need to heal his childhood wounds. That's on him.

But, what you need to do is allow to bring back trust in your communication. He needs that trust back, that he can say anything and not get shamed for saying it. He needs to feel safe again with you. And you, him.

Somewhere along the way, he lost that trust. most likely when you two had your blowout. Understandable, but it most likely brought back a flood of memories and triggers from his past.

Just listen to him, and don't attack or shame. 

Baby steps, sister. It's only been one day. You will have many more. And soon, you will find he will open up without you even asking him.

The shame avoider goes silent, mimicking PA behavior. But the underlying reasoning is vastly different. The PA will go silent to punish. The shame avoider goes silent to avoid those bad memories.

Once you both regain trust, then he can start healing.


----------



## Deep Down (Jun 21, 2014)

That he gets tired after talking about deep emotional stuff makes me wonder if he's HSP, almost 20% of us are and there's lots of info on it. A simple quiz is here: http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
My H does this, he's asleep now after talking about stuff. He frequesntly needs to sleep after any stress, its a common HSP thing.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask him to go to therapy for YOU. That's how I got my H to go. Once he goes, he will see that he's not going to get attacked, that the therapist will just help you two reconnect again. Tell him you want him to go at least 3 times and if he isn't getting anything from it after 3 times, you'll figure something else out.


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

Deep Down said:


> That he gets tired after talking about deep emotional stuff makes me wonder if he's HSP, almost 20% of us are and there's lots of info on it. A simple quiz is here: http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/
> My H does this, he's asleep now after talking about stuff. He frequesntly needs to sleep after any stress, its a common HSP thing.


HSP? I had never heard of this before:scratchhead:

Thank you!


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

turnera said:


> Ask him to go to therapy for YOU. That's how I got my H to go. Once he goes, he will see that he's not going to get attacked, that the therapist will just help you two reconnect again. Tell him you want him to go at least 3 times and if he isn't getting anything from it after 3 times, you'll figure something else out.


Thank you tumera, this may work on him. Anyway I think I need counselling.


----------



## tangled123 (Jan 18, 2015)

alphaomega said:


> You don't need to heal his childhood wounds. That's on him.
> 
> But, what you need to do is allow to bring back trust in your communication. He needs that trust back, that he can say anything and not get shamed for saying it. He needs to feel safe again with you. And you, him.
> 
> ...


Oops! thought I replied to this:scratchhead: guess posting error

alphaomega,
All that you have mentioned are spot on. We have been talking like never before and he seems to be coming out of the shell. He looks so much happier now and our house is starting to fill with humour like years ago.... baby steps it is brother! I really have to thank you so much for the constructive advises.

I kinda went silent and sad after the first few talks as it brought back my own pain but after a week things are looking clearer. Will post the details soon.


----------

