# Sexual Shame and "Shadow Work"



## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Have you ever heard of Carl Jung's notion of the Shadow? (no, not the vintage radio show, although upon analysis, that show is definitely an allusion to the same!) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)

I am a fan of the late Debbie Ford, and her Shadow Work radio show on Hay House Radio - Listen Live to Hay House Authors as well as her fb fanpage. She would get callers to identify the labelling they hated/feared the most, and say it out loud on the air. "I'm a failure," one might say. "I'm a lousy lover," another would nervously come out with. Or perhaps it would be, "I'm not worthy." In every case, upon stating their Shadow identity, the caller would give that odd little nervous giggle, and Debbie would say, "Oh, there's your "shadow laugh"!" with such a kind tone, it always brought a tear to my eye. (can you tell I miss her dearly? She only recently passed due to cancer. RIP, Debbie Ford!)

So I've been thinking about why the heck am I here? sure, I initially followed a link from the searchword "limerence" due to making a ****ty choice (the ill-fated threesome, if you've been following my story here, big if, but expounding on it now would incur the dreaded "TL;DR" effect.

Ultimately, I came here because I am ASHAMED of that choice irl. I came here for anonymity.

And now I want to talk and listen about shame. What it is, why it is, and what to do with or about it.

As a girl, I was simultaneously sexually opened prematurely, and ****shamed.

I am using "****shamed" to mean: being made to view my female body as seductive to diseased pervs, as bait for men to break themselves on me, my sexual desire and feminine power are intrinsically toxic. 

My desire to get laid was also deadly to my reputation. I lost my virginity at nearly 17 circa what? '86? my peers were chaste and virtuous. (I don't have religious hangups, was raised by an Ayn Randian, btw.) 

Childhood sexual abuse TRIGGER!!!!! Don't scroll or read if sensitive to triggers. <3 Raw, visual language.





I was blindfolded at age 6 and had a candy-dipped penis inserted into my mouth by my babysitter's husband. I was fingered and tongued. 









***reasonably safe to read again***

My sexual agency was not my own. I became sexualized early and daydreamed of becoming a porn star, like the piles of Penthouse and Hustler magazines my dad stowed all over public areas of the house, including the kids' bathroom magazine caddy. Yet when I finally became sexually active of my own volition, I was repeatedly called a **** and ***** by my dad. I was meanwhile being called ugly, a nerd, and a lesbian by my peers at school.

Then came the 5-yr relationship with LD boyfriend. I became convinced that I was completely repulsive sexually. His particular deal was smells and textures. I concluded that I was slimey and smelled disgusting. That lives with me to this day. *Even though my husband tells me every day how attractive and desirable he finds me. Even after Limerence Man told me that my ***** smells like rainbows.*

The problem is that Shame is "introjected". That's the reverse of "projection". so instead of taking a feature of yourself and slapping it onto your view of the outside world, it's taking something from the outside world and *****slapping yourself with it.

So the only road out of Shame is through the Self.

Let's do this!

Why? 

It's not just for ourselves. Non-shameful people might put this reason second, but people who are ashamed of themselves may not feel worthy of feeling better about themselves. After all, we're TERRIBLE PEOPLE, aren't we?

Healing our toxic shame is also good for the people we love. They don't see us how we do. They see a beautiful, competent, amazing human being with really sexy bits. They tell us that every day. But do we listen? Do we trust? Hell no! We throw it in their face with embarrassed irritability. Or we project it back onto them, calling how they act wrong or shameful. Or maybe we withdraw, hide the shame so deep that none of us is left to be present for Love.

Shadow Work. I want to hear your shadow laugh. 

Hello, I am Salamander, and I am a ****! (a woman who LOVES SEX!!!!)


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

wow, i didn't realize the word s l u t was censored here, since they use it on the senate floor nowadays and all. I am Salamander, and I am a word so bad TAM won't post it! LMAO!!!!!!!!!!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

My name is WOM and I've settled for the path of least resistance.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Welcome, Least Resistance! ;-)

I think we can all relate to doing that. 

It's a human trait.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

You know there's an Alan Watts lecture about just that. The human trait of seeking the path of least resistance is actually the mother of invention. Whatever we apply our laziness to, increases in efficiency exponentially. 

What do you apply your efficiency expertise to now, and what do you suppose it'd be more fruitful doing?


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

salamander, I am sitting here gutted at the 6 year old little you being abused like that. I have a 6 year old...God 

How can anybody blame you for having some issues regarding sex? I commend you for continuing to work on them.

I relate so much with you and your experience and much of your experience with sex and **** shaming.

Solidarity.

Solidarity.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Welcome Salamander! I'm Faithful Wife, and I"m a s*l*u*t, too. 

I'm sorry that your childhood was messed up. That is horrid. 

In my case, I was not 100% free of "stuff that can happen to young unsupervised people"...but somehow, I was free of shame. I don't know if I just refused to feel it maybe? I can recall deliberately choosing not to feel shame. I felt that my body and the pleasure it was capable of feeling was not shameful, and I understood that others wanted me to feel shame...but I just figured they didn't "get it". I knew I was right, that the body was good, that pleasure was good, and that there was no shame in me wanting to feel pleasure. So I tried very hard to refuse to feel shameful.

I still feel that way today. 

I guess I have been lucky not to have to do the type of shame work you are talking about...but I have studied and read a lot and understand the concept as it applies to our mental lives. I have done shame work in other areas, just didn't need it for my sexual life, thankfully. 

Someone close to me had a very dark and painful childhood experience with sex and with shameful shadows. So I have read a lot and have tried to understand the whole range of emotions that go along with those experiences. I have watched others go through the work of shedding shame and reclaiming their sexuality. An amazing process, and it sounds like you are doing it, too.

Thanks for sharing, your journey sounds adventurous.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Salamander,

I'm so sorry about your childhood trama, I'm made my stomach turn how evil some people can be.

This thread reminded me of a great book I read "letting go of shame "

This book helped me, my parents used to shame us about everything. While i was not ****shamed I can relate to how shaming hurts us in many ways.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Lady Salamander, from the bottom of my heart I salute you. *bowing*


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

SouthernMiss said:


> salamander, I am sitting here gutted at the 6 year old little you being abused like that. I have a 6 year old...God
> 
> How can anybody blame you for having some issues regarding sex? I commend you for continuing to work on them.
> 
> ...


Thank you, SouthernMiss, it's solidarity all round here in the Shadow Work thread!

I mentioned in the lost Bend thread that Elizabeth Smart has been in the media decrying "Abstinence-Only", that it made her feel too worthless to seek help once her virginity had been taken and she was a "piece of chewed gum".

s l u t shaming on an institutional scale!

I think Ms. Smart is incredibly brave to use what happened to her to become and advocate and to make public what such damaging messages do to women and girls.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Welcome Salamander! I'm Faithful Wife, and I"m a s*l*u*t, too.
> 
> I'm sorry that your childhood was messed up. That is horrid.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Faithful Wife. Your well of resiliency is admirable! I love how you say that you just refused the beliefs others may have tried to heap on you. That is powerful, that is a skill I am honing now, later in life. :smthumbup:

I do see childhood trauma to be a rude, chaotic launch into The Hero's Journey, indeed an adventure! Any "dark night of the soul" can launch us into the Initiation. I have undergone this cycle a number of times, it's like an Archimedean Mind Screw. 

(Ha! I kinda like that one!)

I am not ashamed of being ashamed anymore. Thanks for being a part of my "Return".

Joseph Campbell’s 17 Stages of the Hero’s Journey | David R. Jolly


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Salamander,
> 
> I'm so sorry about your childhood trama, I'm made my stomach turn how evil some people can be.
> 
> ...


Dear mablenc,

thank you so much for your compassion and for the book suggestion. I will definitely check it out. I am hungry for information and tools, to help me and to share with others.

I am so sorry that your parents used shaming as their go-to form of discipline. How do you feel the shame in your body?

For me, it begins as a cringing sensation in the pit of my stomach.

How do you cope with shame when it crops up in every day life? Do you stuff it, tell it shut up, let it bully you, ignore it?

Looking forward to reading your share.


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

john_lord_b3 said:


> Lady Salamander, from the bottom of my heart I salute you. *bowing*


Thank you john lord that is very noble and considerate of you!

The strange thing for me is the distance with which I view what happened to me, yet the shame seems to have a life of its own.

Already, talking about it openly here has removed much of its teeth. I am starting to integrate my self image to incorporate the Shadow s l u t within.

In my life, it's been a process of knowing who I am and then Becoming that person. At first, people get their panties in a wad about how I'm acting and the bizarre things I say. but eventually I have risen in respect and esteem in my circle. Each time I really do "Act Natural" (the hardest act of all to the self-conscious person!), the more acceptance I get from my spouse and friends / family.

"Be the change you want to see."

I hope this thread is useful for lurkers. You don't HAVE to talk about the heavy shame. I realize as an afterthought that was maybe too much for a starter. could have begun with the "lazy", or the "selfish", or the "manipulative" labels that I think most of us can relate to.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

I could relate with the need to bring out the inner person within us.. our clan elders often talk about "the second self" which are hidden within us all. This "Second self" contains our untapped potentials, but to us, this "second self" are strange and often scary, because it lives within us, but in all our lives we never really get to know this "second self". A person, said the elders, who could make his/her True Self and his/her Second Self becomes One, will be able to develop his/her potentials to the fullest!

That's why, I salute you, Lady Salamander, for being able to recognize the "Second Self" within you, and integrating her to your True Self.


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## jules1990 (Jun 13, 2013)

I won't go in to details about the trauma inflicted on me by a man who married my mother but I will say that with having an extremely loyal and loving husband I am recognizing the s l u t inside and allowing my husbands love and guidance to help me explore the "inner s l u t", it is all about being confident and trusting in my husband, his love, his loyalty and his wisdom have enabled me as a woman to become brave and to show the "inner s l u t" to him and with his help I am learning more about myself than I knew before!!!

Thanks S, this is a welcome thread for a woman like me


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

salamander said:


> Dear mablenc,
> 
> thank you so much for your compassion and for the book suggestion. I will definitely check it out. I am hungry for information and tools, to help me and to share with others.
> 
> ...


Therapy has helped me and the book which is not a sitdown and read in two days type. The book is very powerful and you can't deal with too much at first it also has exercises you need to do. 

I have learned that I cannot and should not carry burdens that are not mine. I used to expect the shaming even freaked out when there was none. My husband is different he has never shamed me so at the beginning it was a big adjustment I would look for secret meanings in what he said to spot shaming.

It's easy to say but hard to do if you don't understand it, you tell and allow others how to treat you. 

My relationship with my parents and mother especially is now something I never even dreamed of. People who know me are even shocked that she has not made me mad or had me cry in almost a year, even almost 2000 miles away she could manipulate and shame me. Well not any more, I didn't have to sit down and confront her or tell her anything. I just drew my boundaries and carried myself with my new found confidence. 

Yes I agree with the physical effect it starts with that sensation in the pit of my stomach but I had to admit it even further down to the genital area, in no way an arousement but I don't know if that's just me. I was sexually touched molested by a stranger so it can be related to that ocssion. 

I aslo developed a feeling of inferiority I always felt less than everyone. But that's how they shamed me, if I said anything they would say "what did the idiot say?" "Or shut up, you are stupid" "I can't believe you are so ugly" "don't enroll you are too dumb for the university you will only feel bad when you fail" "who is ever going to love you" " when I see you I feel so sorry for you"

I can go on and on but you get the picture. 

They failed as parents I did nothing to deserve it and I will not tolerate this behavior. I have the knowledge now to separate myself and it would be their loss not mine. 

If you need anything or have questions feel free to PM me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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