# Recently Seperated from DH, Struggling to remember who "I" used to be



## scotian89 (Nov 19, 2020)

I promise that normally I am a lot more of the happy go lucky type...this has just done me in, absolutely every inch of my soul is tired. 

I left my husband of 2 years (been together 7) at the end of last month, it has officially been one month as of tomorrow, he is dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I have done everything in my power to help him and encourage him to seek mental health counselling (which he is doing), the issue is the behaviour that he exhibits whether he is medicated (or not) and when he is therapy (or not) had been becoming increasingly dangerous, abusive and degrading towards me and had started to happen in front of our children (1 child of his from a previous marriage and one from our marriage). 

I left with the children and our dog in tow and he had told me he had hit his rock bottom... and was going to work so hard on fixing everything... I believed him, until tonight. 

All I want in my life is a partner who loves unconditionally, values and respects me and can see the best in me, instead of pointing out my flaws. Until tonight I thought he was really working hard: his communication is improving, he is engaged when we are together (weekend visits with our children) but he hasn't stepped up. It is like his children mean nothing to him, he doesn't want to spend time with them... If he doesn't stay with me (we live an hour away from each other right now) he just doesn't even think of taking his children to his house on the weekend, because due to the car he drives it costs too much to fill the tank up. 

My fear is that I am putting in all of this effort: I have uprooted my life with my son in tow because his behavior and actions caused me to do so...if he isn't going to change, why am I trying so hard to make this work? I have just spent the last 3 weeks mourning the loss of a life I knew for almost two years and really working hard to make sure my son doesn't notice that his dad isn't around. I don't want to attempt to make this work, but only do more damage to my mental health in the process... I am trying not to think so far ahead but with all the time to myself when my son is asleep (i.e. now) it is really hard to tame the thoughts in my head. 

I know this is a rather vague post, and please know I am not expecting anyone to respond to me, but I am truly hoping to be able to find people going through something very similar...maybe to not feel so isolated in this journey. I have an 18 month old son, who is the absolute light of my life and I really enjoy baking/cooking so I have been using this time to bake up a storm! 

Thanks for reading <3


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

scotian89 said:


> I promise that normally I am a lot more of the happy go lucky type...this has just done me in, absolutely every inch of my soul is tired.
> 
> I left my husband of 2 years (been together 7) at the end of last month, it has officially been one month as of tomorrow, he is dealing with a lot of mental health issues and I have done everything in my power to help him and encourage him to seek mental health counselling (which he is doing), the issue is the behaviour that he exhibits whether he is medicated (or not) and when he is therapy (or not) had been becoming increasingly dangerous, abusive and degrading towards me and had started to happen in front of our children (1 child of his from a previous marriage and one from our marriage).
> 
> ...


Good Luck and remain strong and enjoy your child.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

I can understand very well how you feel...I uprooted myself and my 3 tiny children and ran 1000 miles away from my alcoholic first husband...it was VERY difficult, but the sense of freedom and relief that I felt getting us away from him was VERY worth it!!!

Children are resilient - your son will be FINE, and probably even better off! I know my kids were!!! You definitely need to take time to remember who you are, and to grieve the loss of your hopes for your marriage and the life you thought you would have. DO NOT underestimate how it affects you to lose your dream - it's like a death, and it will take TIME. Allow yourself to feel your feelings honestly and without shame, and it will be quicker and not as painful. 

I also love cooking and baking, especially when I feel sad or hopeless - it's hard to feel that way with homemade brownies in the oven or spaghetti sauce on the stove!!! 
Do you do any journaling? It has been a HUGE help for me over the years, because I have intense, deep feelings that are hard for me to understand or control, and writing about them to myself gives me that insight that I need to understand them.

Hang in there and feel confident that you made the right decision...this is the beginning of a better life for you and your son!!!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Do you have people who will help you, in the place you have moved to?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@scotian89 Please remember, we are here for you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

You mention "until tonight" several times, did something happen tonight or did you just reach a point? You said he's made some progress but that he "won't step up". It may be that he is dealing w/ the illness and is trying his best.

We don't have that much info to go on so we can't tell you much. Consider individual counseling, this is a difficult time and you have big decisions. A professional may have expert advice on his clinical issues.


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