# Discovered wife's online EA, what now?



## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

First a little intro, my WW and I have known each other for 5 ½ years, married for 2 ½, and we have a 4 y/o child. We met through a mutual friend while she was still living in the Philippines.

I guess my D-day was today, finding out that my WW is having an EA online. I am still working on gathering evidence, but so far I have to say it’s pretty conclusive. I had my first clue a few weeks ago, on her main personal email account, she has changed her screen name from her married name, to her mother’s maiden name. I found this to be extremely strange. I mean why would any woman change her name to her mother’s maiden name and not her own. 

Second, I periodically run screen names through google to see what pops up. This time used a variety of her normal screen aliases, and tried a couple new ones based on my suspicions. I came across one name linked to a chat account online. Knowing she only has a handful of passwords, I logged into that account and discovered she has been chatting with quite a few people, men mostly. I happened to see that the chat settings were set to not save, so knowing she isn’t a computer savvy person at all, I set the chat program to log the chats to her computer. After a few days, when I had a free moment, I went back to the site and logged in. Turns out, she’s be chatting it up with this OM, and they have been very affectionate with each other. But now the question was, how long has this been going on? I grabbed the OM’s screen name and ran that through google, of course. I didn’t come up with much besides his account on the chat site. But I had to figured there was more out there. 

Now, with my trust questionable, today I accessed her email account while I was at work, which I never do but I have the password. Now I find that my WW has a hidden facebook account. I opened one to the read notifications to get her “name” and went into my own FB and looked up her other self. Turns out this other version of my WW is single, no kids and has tons of friends. In fact she has had this account since late 2011 and has been talking with this guy since at least Oct of 2012, probably longer considering the context of the messages I found in her inbox. In fact, I just saw that today the WW and OM have “celebrated” a 4 month anniversary and everyone on her wall were congratulating them from what I could tell. All of the messages are in her native language. Unfortunately I couldn’t access the FB account, but that’s coming as soon as I get the first log from the keylogger I’m installing tonight. They haven’t met in person yet, but I’m sure there are plans in the works.

Now here’s the final straw, A new number has popped up on her cell, someone she has been texting but I only caught it a couple times because the number is not saved, and the messages are obviously deleted after being read, I jotted down the number of course. I happened to catch one of the text today while she was in the other room, and he text her in both English and Tagalog. But her text are all in her language and one seemed to say she wants him to only speak Tagalog because English is too “Formal”. Of course, I know it’s cause she can deny and say it’s her cousin if I happen to see it. I checked the cell phone bill call log and she hasn’t called him, yet. But she also uses skype frequently to speak with her family overseas, so I wouldn’t be surprised that’s how they are communicating by voice. Plus, I finally understand now why she is all of a sudden putting on makeup, which she never did until recently, and takes pics of herself. I also found a pic of her posing in her underwear on her phone.

The problem is, this isn’t the first time. She’s done this before shortly after we were married and we were having a hard time. I found her chatting with someone overseas and it seemed to be getting very sexual in nature. He was asking her to send pictures of her topless to him, and she was reluctant, but was warming up to the idea. I stopped her before it got that far. And even when we first started talking, I found she was having a relationship with someone else at the same time as me, and was talking about how much they loved each other. I found out about that one because she gave me the password to her email at the time, we were exchanging passwords as a sign of trust. Of course, she said it was nothing and claimed it to be over.

I know I am the fool here. The red flags were all over the place when we first started dating and I ignored them. Now, here I am with a WW about to have her GC conditions removed in a few months, and a 4 y/o child. What am I to do right now. I love her, but do I attempt to save what’s left of the marriage. Would counseling even help, if she even decides to go. I want to expose the relationship, but I’m working on gathering more information first. The marriage isn’t over yet, but my trust has been completely broken. However, my main concern right now is my son. If I expose her, separate and file for divorce soon, she can’t get her GC conditions removed for the 10 yr Permanent. She can scream “bloody murder” and cite abuse, cause she’s a manipulator, and get the GC on her own, but what does that mean for my boy. If we divorce and the courts grant her custody, which they probably will cause she’s a woman, she could easily take off and return to the PH, taking my son with her. I don’t want him to be around a manipulating woman like this, I can only imagine how she might use him.

Should I expose her lies to the OM as well. He obviously has no clue who he is dealing with. He has no idea she is married, of course, but he doesn’t even know her real name or that she has a child. In fact, do I know her real name anymore? He’s being lied to just as much as I am. I realized today that I don’t who I married at all. Like the song says, there’s a stranger in my house. 

She has no idea that I know as much as I do, and I plan to keep it undercover until I can figure out how to end this safely without much drama. But I need a lot of advice and support. I haven’t told anyone in my family about this, or any of my friends. I came here, because at least in this forum, I can speak my mind without a chance of her getting word about it. I know this is a long post, and there is more to this, but I had to start somewhere. Hopefully you all can help me figure out how to handle this situation, and not be too hard on me for my ignorance. I’m also hoping that maybe someone here that speaks tagalog can help me translate. Google only helps to a point, but doesn’t catch slang and shorthand. Thanks for taking time to read my story.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I don't have much to offer toward a solution (others will help you there), but I can assure you of one thing: this will not end without drama.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need a VAR (voice activated recorder) keep it on you all times and especially when you confront her. This wll prevent false accusations....thats a start. And make sure it works with a controlled conversation about the weather.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Add your congratulations with a petition for divorce. Request 50/50 custody. Don't tell her - let the process server do the honors. Wish her well. Buy her a nice box of hefty trash bags. Splurge and buy the ones that are on sale. And tell her to pack and go. 

If she wants to work on the marriage, then have her explain herself. You have all the evidence you need.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not confront her until you have made a plan. Contact a lawyer and know your options.

The bottom line is protecting your self before you confront her and expose this affair.

Once you have protection, then expose the affair. The confrontation will come together once folks start telling her the reality of it all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day you want to be a few steps ahead of your wife.
Once you get the VAR, and talk to a lawyer, then expose this to the OM, expose this to her family, then prepare for the confrontation. 

When it come to exposeure, you want to talk to the OM and her parents and ask them for *support* for the marriage, inform them that there is a huge degree of deceit that you now have eveidence of and are asking them to *support* the both of you in this time of need.
This tactic will not make you out to be a vandictive jealous husband. This tactic is damage control and eliminated her move to manipulate others. 

If you get the upper hand in this damaage controll it will take away her leverage to make you out to be the bad guy the whips her and abuses her.... Really important to make a plan and work the plan!

Again you goal is to show OM and her family that you have great concern to keep the family unit together and ask for there support versus telling them " look what she's doing to me" or " look at what you are doing to me"

It will be a matter of seconds before her cell phone explodes from everyone, so all this has to be all at once. Again another tactic that will shut down her own damage control.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> At the end of the day you want to be a few steps ahead of your wife.
> Once you get the VAR, and talk to a lawyer, then expose this to the OM, expose this to her family, then prepare for the confrontation.
> 
> When it come to exposeure, you want to talk to the OM and her parents and ask them for *support* for the marriage, inform them that there is a huge degree of deceit that you now have eveidence of and are asking them to *support* the both of you in this time of need.
> ...


Do it I've seen it first hand very effective but it can be bruising


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

What is her plan?

To stay with you and cheat with this guy long distance?

To visit this guy and cheat with him and then return to you?

To divorce you and then marry this guy and never tell him that she was ever married before? How does she explain her son?

And you say you've ignored the red flags from day one?

Just my opinion, but some people are so broken that they cannot be fixed. Or fixing them will take years. And they've got to want to fix themselves.

If you stay with her, I don't see that she could be in what most of us would consider a normal monogamous relationship. Her issues and need for multiple men at once pre-date your relationship with her and probably she's always had some other man she was carrying on with.

Does she want to be with another Filipino? Because it seems that she keeps seeking out relationships with other Filipinos. Or is that just because it's easier for her to hide it from you?

Strange that she keeps doing these long-distance online relationships with fake names. Could she not hook up with someone local, even find another Filipino in Chicago, if that's what she wanted. It almost sounds like it's just some fantasy game to her, that she likes it better at a distance with a computer screen between her and him.


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> Do not confront her until you have made a plan. Contact a lawyer and know your options.
> 
> The bottom line is protecting your self before you confront her and expose this affair.
> 
> Once you have protection, then expose the affair. The confrontation will come together once folks start telling her the reality of it all.


Yeah, this is truly something that I have to keep under wraps until I've got myself protected. She's got a big extended family on her side and they would do anything to protect her. I'm not sure who in her family knows, if any. But I know none of her family members are friends with her alter ego. But with her speaking a language I don't understand, I may never know the extent of this EA.


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> What is her plan?
> 
> To stay with you and cheat with this guy long distance?
> 
> ...


I can't really say what her plans are. But lately our conversions have been about preparing to purchase a home and traveling to PH to visit her family. She's over the last few months become more loving to me, which I admit I liked, but found kind of confusing. Or sex life has improved, barely, but I still get turned down most of the time if I initiate, so I have to wait for her. 

I don't see how she plans to make it work with the OM, I don't think she's given it that much thought. She has 5 younger siblings, and 3 of the have different fathers. She doesn't even have a clue who her own father is. Her grandmother raised her while her mother was out doing what, or who, ever.

If I bring up questions about her past relationships. I either get hit with short, one word answers or the silent treatment which can last weeks.

Regarding filipinos. She's been showing a bunch of Pinay pride lately, more than usual. But from what I had gathered from her past, she's flirted mostly with foreigners.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Does your 4yo have a pass port? If so hide it!


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She's damaged from her upbringing, she has a different outlook on the world than you do. I think you are looking at years of trying and failing to reconcile with her. I don't know if normal affair-busting methods espoused here will work. For the sake of your son, it probably is worth a try, but she sounds pretty far gone and pretty far from what most of us would consider normal, even in conducting her infidelities.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

chitown75 said:


> If I bring up questions about her past relationships. I either get hit with short, one word answers or the silent treatment which can last weeks.


You really have to forge ahead and confront this type of behavior head on, not back down to it. The reason she does it is because she wants you to back down to it, so when you do, it just reinforces the behavior. Next time she does this, do not let it go, push it to the limit of her talking about it - whether it be her past relationships or any other subject.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Log onto her secret FB account and send your FB account a friend request. Change the password to her secret FB account. Accept her FB friend request on your account. From your account post a big picture of you and your wife together on your wedding day to her FB account. Tell everyone in the post with the wedding picture that she is married to you and is cheating on you using a name that is not her own. When she calls to confront you about this, tell her that she is a cheater and you do not want to talk about other lesser matters until her cheating is addressed to your satisfaction.


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> She's damaged from her upbringing, she has a different outlook on the world than you do. I think you are looking at years of trying and failing to reconcile with her. I don't know if normal affair-busting methods espoused here will work. For the sake of your son, it probably is worth a try, but she sounds pretty far gone and pretty far from what most of us would consider normal, even in conducting her infidelities.


I'll be the first to admit that I have been had. But you're right, I thought things would change, obviously they haven't. I tried to bring up the MC topic a year or so ago, and she wasn't gonna have it. Probably cause it would uncover too many of her secrets. And yes, this situation is far from normal now. I just want to make sure my son and my family don't suffer too much once I open the floodgates.

She is incredibly naive and smart at the same time. She knows how to manipulate, but has no clue how to cover her tracks, especially on the computer. Honestly, the only reason it's gotten this far is because of my son. His protection is most important to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Make copies of everything you have and save it physically out of the house.

You've got your self a foreign wife who's using you for a GC and paycheck, do you want to be chasing her for the rest of your life? She apparently was raised in a cheating family


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Real simple here........you must be a few step ahead of your wife...with everything.

This isn't about some middle aged women going of the deep end you've known for 20 years. This is about a women you've know for a short time and has a nack for using others to get by.

I'm talking daddy issues, mommy issues, abandonment all around and to do what she must do to get by, hell throw in some intitlement issues along with her lack of boundries and you sir, have a caldrin of bat sh1t craz chick who needs validation form anyone and everyone!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

chitown75 said:


> I'll be the first to admit that I have been had. But you're right, I thought things would change, obviously they haven't. I tried to bring up the MC topic a year or so ago, and she wasn't gonna have it. Probably cause it would uncover too many of her secrets. And yes, this situation is far from normal now. I just want to make sure my son and my family don't suffer too much once I open the floodgates.
> 
> She is incredibly naive and smart at the same time. She knows how to manipulate, but has no clue how to cover her tracks, especially on the computer. Honestly, the only reason it's gotten this far is because of my son. His protection is most important to me.


You need to find out if there's some legal way to prevent her from taking him out of the country. Honestly I've read too many horror stories about men marrying women from other countries, then the woman bails on the marriage and taking the kids with them back to their home country, and there's basically nothing that can be done short of paying someone to kidnap the kid back. Especially since she has a lot of extended family support as you say.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Your wife is a user. She has the fantastic ability to compartmentalize her life. Lives the double-life, and all the while you would never know it.

This also makes her a liar-extraordinaire.

I would also wager she scores very low on the empathy-meter, and is extremely selfish. She seeks validation from men, and always likes to be the center of attention.

Sound familiar?

It's a personality disorder, and you do not want to spend the rest of your life dealing with that. I spent 14 years, and there were 3 affairs (that I know of). Tried to nice her out of the first two, false reconciliations, rug sweeping, etc. The behavior continued. I found this site when I was dealing with the 3rd affair.

The reality is that she could take your son and run off to the Phillippines whenever the whim strikes her. So, it is imperative that you seek legal advice now, before you confront her and your world blows up. 

Don't let the threat of losing your son prevent you from laying down some hard consequences. She cannot continue to live the single life whilst being married to you. The fantasy has to end. 

If you are willing to forgive her, then she definitely must agree to counselling and complete transparency in the future. No more secret accounts, etc. My WW wouldn't/couldn't agree to that, so we are divorcing.

Personally, knowing what I know now, I would save yourself years of misery and snooping, and just end it. But figure out legally how you can prevent her from taking your son first.

She might be willing to let you have him. Sounds like she desires the single life without responsibilities.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

chitown75 said:


> Yeah, this is truly something that I have to keep under wraps until I've got myself protected. She's got a big extended family on her side and they would do anything to protect her. I'm not sure who in her family knows, if any. But I know none of her family members are friends with her alter ego. But with her speaking a language I don't understand, I may never know the extent of this EA.


When you have all your ducks in a row....friend request her on FB, she'll **** a brick! LOL


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

For a quick exposure....I would leave a comment on her false facebook. Something along the lines of "Congradulations on reaching your 4 month aniversary. I remember when we just celebrated our x year aniversary. Nice to know I am not the only one. By the way your daughter/son says HI and LOVE YOU MOM." 

Let it flow from there.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I agree with everyone else....hide the passport and DO NOT I repeat DO NOT let her leave the country with your son!!!!


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have enough to expose the A. Writer a letter to her family and get it translated. you can add copies of your proof and get it off. Expose this to your family and her friends. Also the OM.

Hide the passport and make sure the money and credit cards are locked down so she cannot skip out with the kid.

File for D right away.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Honestly I wouldn't do anything (besides keep gathering evidence) until you talk to a lawyer about ways to put a hold on any passport your child has or legally keeping him in the country and making sure that's in place first. To me "hiding the passport" is a good step but I'd make sure there isn't anything more you can do besides that. What's to stop her from getting another one?


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discovered wife's online EA, what now?*



ThreeStrikes said:


> Jeezus, what is it with Asian women?? (my STBXW is of korean descent).
> 
> Your wife is a user. She has the fantastic ability to compartmentalize her life. Lives the double-life, and all the while you would never know it.
> 
> ...


Nail, Head. Thanks for that Three Strikes

She is very selfish, and don't get me started on the empathy part. I think I've tried hard to understand her lack of compassion for anyone but herself, but its just given me a headache. She won't even answer the phone if my mother is standing outside in subzero temps.

After taking some time to think, I realized that I need to not only be prepared when I expose this, but I need to be quick and tread lightly. As some who tries to follow Buddhas teachings, I don't want to inflict any unnecessary suffering on anyone. But people are going to get hurt, and I know she's gonna use every card in her deck to try and point the blame at me.

I'm looking into some counsel this week to determine my rights and act within the laws, especially when it comes to immigration. I don't think I have it in me to give her another chance after all the lies. I've been played the fool, now it time to collect myself and protect my kid.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

ThreeStrikes said:


> Jeezus, what is it with Asian women?? (my STBXW is of korean descent).


Hold it right there. This has nothing to do with race and you know it. People of all races cheat. My mother and sister are filipina. I find this offensive.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Hold it right there. This has nothing to do with race and you know it. People of all races cheat. My mother and sister are filipina. I find this offensive.


Sorry. I guess I shouldn't have stereotyped. But I have run into a surprisingly large number of stories similar to mine when the WW was of ***** descent. It's like being hot *and* exotic gives them an even bigger sense of entitlement.

Didn't mean to offend. I was being facetious, which I guess didn't translate well.

I'll delete the racial reference. For those that quoted me please delete the racial reference.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

chitown75 said:


> After taking some time to think, I realized that I need to not only be prepared when I expose this, but I need to be quick and tread lightly. As some who tries to follow Buddhas teachings, I don't want to inflict any unnecessary suffering on anyone.


Interesting, take this how you will:
Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, *faithfulness the best relationship.*--Buddha

*Three things cannot be long hidden:* the sun, the moon, and *the truth*--Buddha

It is all about how YOU choose to interpret the teachings! In my interpretation, the truth cannot be hidden, therefore you are not causing any unnecessary suffering.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

chitown75 said:


> Would counseling even help, if she even decides to go.


About this. MC won't fix a thing. The problem is all hers. She's selsifsh, a skilled lier, doesn't value honesty and loyalty as you does, she loves to scape to fantasy, she loves to cheat, get validated by men, she's enamored of being in luuurv so she set up herself to play "dating" to make it possible, she compartimentalizes, loves the double life nad she will go to the deep end to have it. She's have no boundaires, she's not relationship/marriage material.
Forget about MC, it's her issue, not marriage issues. If she ever realizes, admit to herself she has serious issues she'd seek IC.

There's little hope as she loves to put the blame elsewere and lacks empathy.


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

*Re: Re: Discovered wife's online EA, what now?*



phillybeffandswiss said:


> It is all about how YOU choose to interpret the teachings! In my interpretation, the truth cannot be hidden, therefore you are not causing any unnecessary suffering.



I like how you stated that. The truth, from her standpoint, may cause her unwanted suffering; losing her attachments. And from my view, perhaps its a release from suffering, since I have no real attachments to lose.  For my own sanity, I will learn to forgive and let go. 






Acabado said:


> About this. MC won't fix a thing. The problem is all hers. She's selsifsh, a skilled lier, doesn't value honesty and loyalty as you does, she loves to scape to fantasy, she loves to cheat, get validated by men, she's enamored of being in luuurv so she set up herself to play "dating" to make it possible, she compartimentalizes, loves the double life nad she will go to the deep end to have it. She's have no boundaires, she's not relationship/marriage material.
> Forget about MC, it's her issue, not marriage issues. If she ever realizes, admit to herself she has serious issues she'd seek IC.
> 
> There's little hope as she loves to put the blame elsewere and lacks empathy.


Yeah, at this point, MC is probably a lost cause. I'm scheduling an appt with a fathers rights attorney right now to get some advice on how to proceed. If they see it worth trying MC, then I`ll do it, otherwise, why waste the time and money.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

chitown75 said:


> I like how you stated that. For my own sanity, I will learn to forgive and let go.


 Thank you!
I will give you a couple more quotes to ponder:

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. Doubt separates people. It is a poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations. It is a thorn that irritates and hurts; it is a sword that kills.--Buddha

You doubt your relationship, your wife's commitment to you and her commitment to your family!



> The truth, from her standpoint, may cause her unwanted suffering; losing her attachments. And from my view, perhaps its a release from suffering, since I have no real attachments to lose.


You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection--Buddha

Do what you need to, but remember you deserve the same love and respect you are showing her!

As to any of our help or advice:
Believe nothing no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, *unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense.*
--Buddha 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

No, I am not Buddhist. I was going to minor in religion and Buddhism is one area I studied. One of my buddies is an ordained "monk" who looks like Krillin from DragonBallZ!


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## chitown75 (Feb 4, 2013)

I want to thank everyone here for all your input and suggestions. Sometimes we just need to hear from someone else as we might have a tendency to doubt ourselves. 

I'm glad to have found this site. Its really beginning to sink in today the enormity of the situation and tasks I have ahead. And right now it feels very lonesome. I can't tell any friends or family yet, so all I have is this forum. So thank you.

I opened the log files yesterday to access this secret FB account of hers and it was difficult to look through last night. But at least I have a clear validation of her feelings with the OM. She has built a new life and identity, and I was shocked at how thorough she has put her alter ego together. And even though the chances of them meeting are extremely slim, he's 7000 miles away, it still hurts to see they are talking of being together and professing their love. At least that's what I have gathered from limited translation capabilities. 

Anyway, I'm working on finding good, healthy ways to cope. Its hard to smile and say I Love You to someone when you know the truth but can't reveal it. But I think about the joy my son brings and that always brightens my day. Thanks everyone.


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