# No Blowjobs



## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

So I broke up with my girlfriend of about five years for a few reasons. One major one is that our sex life was pretty boring. Very vanilla - she never initiates, only likes two "positions" , very seldom kisses me, and never goes down on me.

So we broke up, and I moved to another city about 1000 miles away.

Well one day I came home and she was on my doorstep - she was begging me to take her back. She more or less forced her way into my place. She reminded my of all the good parts of our relationship, told me she loved me, told me that she would change, etc.

Well, we ended up in bed, and I decided to test her "willingness to change". But she said to me, "I am saving that for the man I marry". Well, I accepted that. in fact, I thought it was kind of honorable of her to save something for the man she marries.

Well, long story short, I became the man who married her.
A few months after we were married, one night, I kind of let her know what I was hoping for... Her response - "I don't like doing that... I'm not comfortable doing that... Don't ask for that again".
(I actually cried that night.)

Well, time goes on. Now it is many years later, nothing's changed. Our sex life is boring. We don't sleep in the same room together. I think it my be time for me to leave.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. You were pretty foolish to make this kind of mistake but it's not too late to get out and make a better life.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

(Really? Another damned BJ thread?) Sorry.


OK. Several things here.

"One major one is that our sex life was pretty boring. Very vanilla - she never initiates, only likes two "positions" , very seldom kisses me, and never goes down on me."

"She more or less forced her way into my place. She reminded my of all the good parts of our relationship, told me she loved me, told me that she would change, etc." 

*So not only did she convince you to hop back in the sack with old "Vanilla", she is guilty of breaking and entering? How did she get your address if you two were broke up, and 1000 miles apart?*

"I decided to test her "willingness to change". But she said to me, "I am saving that for the man I marry"."

*The woman has been extremely straight forward up to this point. It's obvious she don't go down.*

"A few months after we were married, one night, I kind of let her know what I was hoping for... Her response - "I don't like doing that... I'm not comfortable doing that... Don't ask for that again".
(I actually cried that night.)"

*The coup de grâce! She has never once done it from your exact words. And now your are going to cry about it?*

"Now it is many years later, nothing's changed. Our sex life is boring. We don't sleep in the same room together."

*Dude, there is no bait and switch here. You knew it all from day one and obviously accepted it. Otherwise, you wouldn't have married her.

This is like telling someone not to play in the street and then they b!tch cause they got ran over. I want to sympathize with you, but damn.*


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I'm sorry you didn't take advantage of the benefits of try before you buy.

Your wife has remained faithful to who she is, you have been afforded every opportunity to experience who she is. She is not broken she is simply herself. You on the other hand chose to wilfully ignore the fact (settle), that you weren't compatible and married her anyway.

I hope that when you leave your wife she finds a man that is better than you and more suited to her.

Having said that, I wish you good fortune for any of your future sexual relationships. I also encourage you to be more mindful of the real benefit of trying before you buy, which is to determine compatibility before getting married.

Please be more mindful of your partners in the future, lest you mess up another woman's life because you choose to settle rather than find a better mate.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sorry - she lied."I'm saving that for the man I marry" then to the same man, now her husband; "Don't ask for that again".

Oral sex is important to men. She could atleast try it, do it occasionally just for him to show him she loves him, maybe do it with a condom...maybe do it on special occasions.
But atleast try to accommodate him.

She led him to believe that she would give oral sex but only to her husband. He became her husband and she refused.
SHE has messed up HIS life.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Windwalker said:


> (Really? Another damned BJ thread?) Sorry.
> 
> 
> OK. Several things here.
> ...



Welll, I will beg to differ. I think there was a kind of bait and switch. 

If you read the OP, he states that she says "she is saving it for the man she will marry." She didn't say it was off the table, that she didn't like it, or whatever. There is essentially a promise that IF she is married, THEN she would be willing to do it.

I think you're off base on this. OP was indeed tricked.

The flip side is, he ASKED for it before marriage, so she KNEW it was an issue for him. If she was so honest and upfront, why would she marry him if she knew it was a deal breaker for him (he broke off their relationship before for this). Only one answer fits...bait and switch.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Personal said:


> I'm sorry you didn't take advantage of the benefits of try before you buy.
> 
> Your wife has remained faithful to who she is, you have been afforded every opportunity to experience who she is. She is not broken she is simply herself. You on the other hand chose to wilfully ignore the fact (settle), that you weren't compatible and married her anyway.
> 
> ...


I don't buy this. She LIED to him when she promised it would be available to "the man she would marry".

SHE'S the one who messed things up. She knew it was so important that he broke up before over it. The only explanation I can see is that she thought he would suck it up after being married.

Yeah, she's true to who she is....a liar and deciever.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

askari said:


> Sorry - she lied."I'm saving that for the man I marry" then to the same man, now her husband; "Don't ask for that again".
> 
> Oral sex is important to men. She could atleast try it, do it occasionally just for him to show him she loves him, maybe do it with a condom...maybe do it on special occasions.
> But atleast try to accommodate him.
> ...


Exactly.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Personal said:


> If someone is inclined to believe that, I have a rather large harbour bridge that I can sell them. Her actions made it clear! It was extraordinarily foolish, to buy a story that she was saving oral for marriage.
> 
> He foolishly became her husband because he bought a ridiculously far fetched story and then she refused as she was always likely to do as evidenced by her previous behaviour.
> 
> ...


I agree he was gullible to accept her empty promises. He was very naive to believe her.

That being said, I look at this as a con artist scamming a naive victim. Yes, we can tell the tricked person that they were foolish to be so trusting and naive. However, they are still the victim, and the guilt still lies at the feet of the con artist. 

So, the guilt here also belongs at the feet of the OP's wife. The OP was a gullible sucker, but the wife was the liar and scam artist.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I think a lot of this boils down to "when someone tells you who they are, believe them." They'd been together 5 years - _years_ - when he broke up with her over sexual incompatibility. So, after having been with this woman for 5 years, with no oral sex for him, she only then says she's saving that particular delight for the marriage bed. What followed was more sexual incompatibility prior to their marriage. Are we really surprised that she's not actually into giving head? Shocked that this was perhaps a tactic to entice her ex-boyfriend to get back together? 

Look, I'm not saying she's a good person. But I am saying that he had reasonable time prior to their marriage in which to judge what his now-wife would or would not do, sexually. They'd been together for the better part of a decade. Sure, she's boring in bed. But he knew that ahead of time. Because she'd always been boring in bed.

This is like any other deal breaker that shows up when dating. If your partner isn't willing to address the issue to your satisfaction, then the thing to do is break up. Going ahead with the relationship even though nothing has changed, is a pretty clear signal that it's okay for nothing to change. The OP's wife definitely should have been honest with him upfront. But he also has to acknowledge that he didn't make the smartest choice for himself in staying with someone who had been loudly broadcasting their sexual incompatibility - through her actions - for over 5 years.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

This post just makes me sad. "Many years later," this guy is clearly unhappy, and on the face of it, it seems superficial, but on the other hand....I wish there was much less stigma associated with divorce. Maybe I'm making an assumption, but I wonder if that's why he stayed with her so long? You both probably would have been better off if you just felt like you had the freedom to say, "hey...this just isn't what I want, let's split and find better matches for each other." Sorry, OP


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You blew it. She didn't. Classic bait and switch, lying, manipulation, and misrepresentation. Now what are you going to do about it, if anything?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

First, I'm going to agree with those who have stated that, in this case, it WAS a bait and switch. She said she'd do it for her husband, and now refuses. Hooked him with a promise then reneged. They don't sleep in the same room, boring sex life, etc. I couldn't live with that either. Bottom line, though, is the OP knew what she was like before. And it's kind of odd to marry someone because she promised to give BJs after the ring is on her finger. 

As for the posts about oral sex being important to men... Oddly enough, there are men who don't want it. When their wives try, they stop them. I know, that's rare. But it does happen.

Finally, I do want to address the part about waiting to give BJs after marriage. If it weren't for the OP's wife's past behavior, it wouldn't be far-fetched. The only man I ever gave a BJ is my husband, and it wasn't until after we had been married a few years. He never asked, and I never offered until after we were married. So there's the difference between OP's situation and mine. But it DOES happen that women wait to give BJ's after marriage.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

KeepHangingOn said:


> Her response - "I don't like doing that... I'm not comfortable doing that... Don't ask for that again".
> (I actually cried that night.)
> 
> .


Suckah! :rofl::rofl::rofl:

time to get her a plane ticket back for the 1000 mile trip?

but seriously, have you sat her down and told her the marriage sex is inadequate and you will be terminating the marriage if she can not kick it up a notch? If she is totally ignoring your sexual advances, but is an acceptable room mate, maybe she would go for an open marriage, where you can screw other women?

is she maybe lesbian? Would explain the wanting to be married, but the lack of interest in you for sex. Maybe a FMF with one of her "friends"?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Maybe she meant her "second" husband... *kidding*

Communication. Talk to her about this. What she told you before marrying you. That you respected her wishes. TAM can only do so much for you. In all cases, you need to communicate. Do you go down on her. Make it worth her while. Seduce her into having some great fun. Make love to her mind. Send her texts during the day. Get her thinking about you.

Read up on MMSLP. A good read.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

This is NOT a classic bait and switch. A bait and switch would be if she was a sex goddess and gave amazing BJs and then after marrying him stopped.

This is a switch and switch. She sucked in bed for years, and never gave him a BJ. Then he married her expecting that, because she had a ring on it, she would become a suck machine sex maniac.

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Well you bought a dried cow expecting it to give milk.

What you do now is up to you, don't expect changes though, it's pretty clear what she's about.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

KeepHangingOn said:


> So I broke up with my girlfriend of about five years for a few reasons. One major one is that our sex life was pretty boring. Very vanilla - she never initiates, only likes two "positions" , very seldom kisses me, and never goes down on me.


Then it wasn't even vanilla, it plain sucked.



KeepHangingOn said:


> So we broke up, and I moved to another city about 1000 miles away.
> 
> Well one day I came home and she was on my doorstep - she was begging me to take her back. She more or less forced her way into my place. She reminded my of all the good parts of our relationship, told me she loved me, told me that she would change, etc.


Woah, now, I didn't see this the first time I read your story.



KeepHangingOn said:


> Well, we ended up in bed, and I decided to test her "willingness to change". But she said to me, "I am saving that for the man I marry". Well, I accepted that. in fact, I thought it was kind of honorable of her to save something for the man she marries.


LOL



KeepHangingOn said:


> Well, long story short, I became the man who married her.
> A few months after we were married, one night, I kind of let her know what I was hoping for... Her response - "I don't like doing that... I'm not comfortable doing that... Don't ask for that again".
> (I actually cried that night.)


I know someone who use the exact same words. Their physical presense arond me is that I will usually not control or move them, that they will do what they want. Most females will GIVE themself and GIVE IN if they are really with you. This one was firm in her boundaries.



KeepHangingOn said:


> Well, time goes on. Now it is many years later, nothing's changed. Our sex life is boring. We don't sleep in the same room together. I think it my be time for me to leave.


If it's your place, it's time for her to leave. I guess this is a terrible story. You learned that it is what it is. There's no guarantee with another guy it might be a sex freak. With you, this is what she is. Don't fight it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

bait N switch. 

You should have known better! What are you going to do now?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

OK. I guess I'm just being obtuse, but I still don't see a bait and switch. I pose two scenarios.

Scenario 1
year 1: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
year 2: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
year 3: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
year 4: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
year 5: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
Marriage
year 1: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.


Scenario 2
year 1: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.
year 2: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.
year 3: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.
year 4: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.
year 5: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.
Marriage
year 1: missionary, vanilla, boring, no BJ.

Scenario 1 is most definitely the classic bait n switch.

Scenario 2 is just a matter of the gal sticking to her guns. YES, she LIED, but given her track record, would a normal reasonable person expect her to just up and change because she said she would. That's not only laughable, but also slightly insane.

I can promise you, if I dumped a gal because if sexual incompatibility, I'm sure as hell not going for another ride just for old times sake. 

Thats like buying back the beat up pea green 78 pinto wagon you had in high school just because you wanted to take it for a spin one last time. :slap:


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

KeepHangingOn said:


> So I broke up with my girlfriend of about five years for a few reasons. One major one is that our sex life was pretty boring. Very vanilla - she never initiates, only likes two "positions" , very seldom kisses me, and never goes down on me.
> 
> So we broke up, and I moved to another city about 1000 miles away.
> 
> ...



She sounded like my wifee for the first 15 years of marriage.

My wifee and I took the 5 love languages quiz and talked about it afterwards, which helped a lot. She now understands my main need as physical and sexual and I understand hers as acts of service.

She has lost 55+ lbs over the last 7 months or so and just very recently, bought gym clothes and a gym pass. This increased her confidence and sex drive from 1x month, to 1x week. She is more a passive woman, so if I don't initiate, she usually won't. So I do the initiating most of the time and the sex is up to 3x week and no more eye rolling, you got it yesterday, etc. Body image is very important to the ladies.

After you broke up and moved 1000 miles, she came back and forced herself back into your life. At that point, you should of told her, we broke up because of the horrible and boring sex on your part!!! Either that changes right now, or get away from me!!! But you took her in, and even married her.

She knows you will take her back and not stand up to her LD and boring sex. She knows this.

Sit her down. Tell her either the sex gets exciting and often and she can leave!!!! Man up already or be her man the way she wants for all time.

You sound like a really nice guy. A Mr.nice guy and guys like that get walked over and used.

Wish you all the best brother.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Windwalker said:


> OK. I guess I'm just being obtuse, but I still don't see a bait and switch. I pose two scenarios.
> 
> Scenario 1
> year 1: Wild monkey sex any way you want it.
> ...


If I had a choice between scenario 1 and scenario 2, I would take scenario 1 and just never get married.

If I had a choice between scenario 2 or forced sexlessness and that was my two choices that god was allowing, I would take scenario 2 and be happy with my rations and my duty sex, make a good meal out of it like they do in jail to make things tastier.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I would of re done my life, pre marriage, I would of found a HD adventurous lady, maybe from TAM?, and made sure she genuinely is HD. Then I would have no hesitation getting married to her. If she was LD vanilla from the beginning, I wouldn't be hoping she would change to HD adventurous anymore. Too many stores here on TAM.....


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

treyvion said:


> If I had a choice between scenario 1 and scenario 2, I would take scenario 1 and just never get married.
> 
> If I had a choice between scenario 2 or forced sexlessness and that was my two choices that god was allowing, I would take scenario 2 and be happy with my rations and my duty sex, make a good meal out of it like they do in jail to make things tastier.



That was kind of my point. From his description of the situation, he knew what the deal was.


Your a far better man than I. 

Duty Sex? Not only no but, FVCK NO! I would much rather take care of business then ever accept duty sex. I would rather be pulling out, cleaning off, and doing something far more productive.

Different strokes though. It's what makes the world interesting.


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## khaleesiwife (May 9, 2014)

I wouldn't divorce her for not giving oral. But I WOULD divorce her, however, for lying and for the fact that she refuses to even try to make you happy. Her reluctance to even attempt to meet you half way is a sad thing my Friend. Yes, maybe you should have been smarter than to believe her arguement that it's for the man she married.. but in MYopinion she totally "bait and switched" you.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> After you broke up and moved 1000 miles, she came back and forced herself back into your life. At that point, you should of told her, we broke up because of the horrible and boring sex on your part!!! Either that changes right now, or get away from me!!! But you took her in, and even married her.
> You sound like a really nice guy. A Mr.nice guy and guys like that get walked over and used.


yes, that is what does not make sense to me either. Why did you not let her in the door, and immediately demand a BJ? Then every day thereafter until the wedding day? Hindsight is 20/20, but boy were you naïve.

I guess, giving your nature, you are going to have to live with the situation. A more dominant man would NOT have fallen for that.

And as far as bait and switch, yeah you could call it that. The local car dealer promises a hot car for only $22,000....you get there ready to pay and he says "shucks, you missed that one by 10 minutes, but I have this better car for $35,000 over here...."

Same as here. She ADVERTISED hot sex, then he foolishly married her instead of walking out of the dealership.


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## ma123 (Jul 8, 2014)

She led him to believe that she would give oral sex but only to her husband. He became her husband and she refused.
SHE has messed up HIS life.

*she messed up his life ? for not giving him a BJ lol to me it looks like he only married her to get his c*** sucked ? *


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Any kids? If not I would run for the hills while you still can. I too am stuck in a no blowjob sex once a month marriage, it stinks. I'm convinced my wife feels like she's doing me this huge favor whenever we have sex, and the maybe once a year blowjob? Forget it, it's like the ultimate sacrifice for her.

It never gets better in my experience.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

ma123 said:


> She led him to believe that she would give oral sex but only to her husband. He became her husband and she refused.
> SHE has messed up HIS life.
> 
> *she messed up his life ? for not giving him a BJ lol to me it looks like he only married her to get his c*** sucked ? *


looks to be like shes a lying manipulative b*tch.


just sayin!!!!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Speaking as someonw who is out of this trap, can't imagine why you'd stay in it. I know that's hard to grasp while you're still married. But damn, life is good from the outside.

No woman is worth the hit to your self-respect like that.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

COguy said:


> Speaking as someonw who is out of this trap, can't imagine why you'd stay in it. I know that's hard to grasp while you're still married. But damn, life is good from the outside.
> 
> No woman is worth the hit to your self-respect like that.


I second this. While the sex with my ex wasn't bad or lacking things I really liked, it was so infrequent that it made it bad, and it really was bait and switch in terms of frequency after marriage vs. before.

Life is _much _better now!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

I know it's not really the issue, but just wondering: How does she know she "doesn't like that" if she's never done it?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Personal said:


> I hope that when you leave your wife she finds a man that is better than you and more suited to her.
> 
> ...
> 
> Please be more mindful of your partners in the future, lest you mess up another woman's life because you choose to settle rather than find a better mate.


Seriously?

I mean, sure he should have known better. But, if she traveled 1,000 miles to find him and promised change (meaning she was making a major play to land him), then how did he screw up her life and earn your condescension?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> You blew it. She didn't. Classic bait and switch, lying, manipulation, and misrepresentation. Now what are you going to do about it, if anything?


Answer:

You have two choices - accept it or leave and move on; I vote for the latter. I noticed two things - she chased you 1,000 miles and promised to meet your sexual need after marriage. Then, after getting married, she utterly refused to fulfill her promise; it doesn't sound like a genuine promise was made.

What I mean by that is, in her mind she was saying "I will give a BJ, _after we wed*if I feel like it*_. It was a promise to think about it - nothing more. Certainly not what she said, but it is what it is. If you were to ask her, she probably would tell you "what she feels like" is the bottom line for what she does.

So, at a minimum, you know you have a wife who is focused on maximizing her experience and your needs and even her commitments don't really factor into that. Worse, she probably planned this out. That she went 1,000 miles to find you, sleep with you on the spot (and stepped it up from before), then tell you BJs were for marriage, then finally not only refuse BJs but let the sex regress to the earlier mean is simply too much to be coincidence. She probably feels justified in doing this to you.

So, it is unlikely that she would ever give you a BJ. And if she did it would be a duty BJ and she would resent you. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't really care what you want and probably feels you owe this to her?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

2xloser said:


> I know it's not really the issue, but just wondering: How does she know she "doesn't like that" if she's never done it?


It's been indoctrinated into her. Lots of people say it's dirty, sinful, etc.


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

2xloser said:


> I know it's not really the issue, but just wondering: How does she know she "doesn't like that" if she's never done it?


I wrote her a letter about six months ago on this subject and brought up that exact point. Maybe the "saving for the man I marry" was a double lie....


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

I know it seems very petty of me to put such importance on this, but it really has affected my general outlook on our marriage. I know I am more critical and short tempered with her than I would be if we were more matched in our sex life.

I would have been fine with special occasions, or even if she had honestly tried and really just couldn't do it, I could maybe accept, but to never even try and to make me feel like a jerk for asking or expecting her to follow through - it just makes me feel like a part of me is dying.


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

COguy said:


> Speaking as someonw who is out of this trap, can't imagine why you'd stay in it. I know that's hard to grasp while you're still married. But damn, life is good from the outside.
> 
> No woman is worth the hit to your self-respect like that.


There were (are) good aspects to our relationship. She's creative, thoughtful, and loyal. She's a great cook. We enjoy hiking, running, skiing, kayaking, etc. She has an artist's eye.
She is not high maintenance - doesn't spend hours on makeup or buying shoes or crap like that...

But sometimes I am lying in bed alone and just feel so empty.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Any kids?


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## rick31797 (Jul 7, 2014)

it doesn't sound like she was really into sex from the beginning..She is one of those women that just doesn't find love making a thrilling experience.
If she did she would put more into it.. and i don't believe anybody should be put in a position to do something they don't want to do..

I am a man and i have certain things i will not do., and nothing will change me ...


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

Q tip said:


> Maybe she meant her "second" husband... *kidding*
> 
> Communication. Talk to her about this. What she told you before marrying you. That you respected her wishes. TAM can only do so much for you. In all cases, you need to communicate. Do you go down on her. Make it worth her while. Seduce her into having some great fun. Make love to her mind. Send her texts during the day. Get her thinking about you.
> 
> Read up on MMSLP. A good read.


I have brought this up a few times in the last few months - she knows I am not happy. She isn't happy either.

Here is an example of how we are not connecting, or how we see things differently: Last weekend, I got up at just before 5 and went to my wife's bed. (She gets up just after 5 and goes to bed very early - around 8 pm, so I have a very small window!). I woke her up by putting some lotion on her back and giving her a massage. I followed this by going down on her until she came. (Yes, I like going down on her and would do it more often if she wanted me to).
After she finished, I was lying beside her and actually put her hand on my member and stroked it with my hand around hers for a few seconds, and then I took my hand away. Within about ten seconds she was up, out of bed, and on with her morning.

We just had an argument yesterday about how we are not meeting each other's needs. She said, "last weekend I was intimate with you and a few hours later you were yelling at me...". "When a woman let's you do that, she is giving herself to you..." 

My feelings from that morning? Coldness, rejection, no intimacy, no love...

And yes, the argument we had later that day probably wouldn't have happened if I was in a better frame of mind.


BTW, I have recently read MMSLP, and yes, there are some lessons from it that I should be putting into practice.


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

ma123 said:


> She led him to believe that she would give oral sex but only to her husband. He became her husband and she refused.
> SHE has messed up HIS life.
> 
> *she messed up his life ? for not giving him a BJ lol to me it looks like he only married her to get his c*** sucked ? *


I married her because I wanted to start a family, and because I thought it would give her the confidence in our relationship to open up to me more (I realize that this was naive, and am paying the price.)


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## KeepHangingOn (Jan 10, 2013)

aug said:


> Any kids?


No kids. I always wanted kids, but that ship has now sailed.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

KeepHangingOn said:


> We just had an argument yesterday about how we are not meeting each other's needs. She said, "last weekend I was intimate with you and a few hours later you were yelling at me...". "When a woman let's you do that, she is giving herself to you..."


So then, you should be happy that she is simply allowing you to minister to her? She gets to cum, you get to know you are the one who did it, and that's supposed to be good enough?

Also, she apparently does not have oral sex hang-ups, since she lets you do this to her (if not as often as you would like) but never reciprocates.

She is just plain selfish. Her attitude is "you get to be with me" and that should be it's own reward, regardless of your satisfaction level.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What did you say back to her? It was an arguement so she was yelling back at you, am I right? So what makes her so righteous? A husband who has sex with a loved wife is showing that he loves his partner. Ask her if her treatment of you was any way to treat a man who loves her. Your problem is that you are not sure that you have grievances. I'm sure you have left some things out but the interaction that you described shows a lack of appreciation, and a sense of entitlement. 

You probably don't show each other appreciation and maybe no respect. If this rings true, then you can give your relationship a chance to survive. Think about what would make you happy and talk to your wife. Give her room to compromise. Let her know that when you feel she is disrespectful, you will let her know and when she does not reciprocate you will also let her know. Let her know you want to hear what makes her unhappy. The deal is that you both work on the problems. 

Your problem is not bj, it's a basic lack of respect. Also, a lack of confidence on your part. Find the man you were before marriage and be him. If you lose your wife because you need to be respected, it's sad but not fatal. It will kill your soul and shorten your life if you stay on the track you are on now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

KeepHangingOn said:


> There were (are) good aspects to our relationship. She's creative, thoughtful, and loyal. She's a great cook. We enjoy hiking, running, skiing, kayaking, etc. She has an artist's eye.
> She is not high maintenance - doesn't spend hours on makeup or buying shoes or crap like that...
> 
> But sometimes I am lying in bed alone and just feel so empty.


If you're a man with a penis and a normal sex drive, that's a pretty big but.


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## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

COguy said:


> If you're a man with a penis and a normal sex drive, that's a pretty big but.





Some guys like big but(t)s...

(Sorry OP)


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## hrd2luv (Jul 17, 2014)

Wow, sounds like you two need to talk to a councilor. There might be more to the situation. She seems to be uncomfortable being that open with sex. Talking to her and letting her know how important it is to you might push her away. for someone to think that oral sex and certain positions are " wrong" "bad" "gross" "perverted" and so on and so forth. And you think it's "normal" She might not understand. Or even find out you cried over it may be shocking to someone who doesn't have a strong sexual desire. She may have a strong desire for sex but doesn't know how to express herself. Or she may be pleased by just the bare minimum. Try to find a way to get her extremely turned on may increase her sex drive and bring her out of hr comfort zone.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

Sorry to hear about this. 

One could say that you were nieve to think this women would change but, some would call it "trusting". Don't beat yourself up but, you should learn a couple of things: 

1) Most people will say the things they need to say get what they want. Sometimes it is error by ommission other times it is pure lies. Not all the time but, sometimes. This applies to work, relationships and other instances in human relationships. I have seen this over and over again. Rather than fault the people that do these things take this as a thing to accept. Hopefully, the people close to you will be truthful to you. It is hard to control the family that you are born with but, not with your wife. 

2) An older work mentor told me an insightful fact: "Men loose control in a relationship with each step of a relationship...casual relationship, girlfriend, fiance, wife, mother. Whatever benefits you don't get at the beginning you won't get later on. 

If i were you i would be furious, hurt and deeply dissapointed. This will not change and your sex live WILL get worse and would predict other aspects of how she treats you will. She has the prize (you made her an honest women) based upon her missleading facts about her intentions. There will be some that may say that you married her for blowjobs..that is bull and misses the point. She is a dud in bed, you left her, she begged for you back and promised she would not be a dud after marriage and she lied. 

Get a good lawyer or deal with a life of misery. It also sounds like you could use some confidence or assertiveness training. I sway this with kindness. Good luck. 

PS I would not mention why you want a divorce. (I would not site the BJ part) this would give her the opportunity to do it only to have her be begrudging. Get out while NOW to have more time to get your life back.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

A little advice for the future. If you D, don't tell your next gf your sexual expectations. Let the sexual part of the relationship develop naturally. If you say what you expect, that's what you'll get. You'll never know if she really likes what you like.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

KeepHangingOn said:


> I have brought this up a few times in the last few months - she knows I am not happy. She isn't happy either.
> 
> Here is an example of how we are not connecting, or how we see things differently: Last weekend, I got up at just before 5 and went to my wife's bed. (She gets up just after 5 and goes to bed very early - around 8 pm, so I have a very small window!). I woke her up by putting some lotion on her back and giving her a massage. I followed this by going down on her until she came. (Yes, I like going down on her and would do it more often if she wanted me to).
> After she finished, I was lying beside her and actually put her hand on my member and stroked it with my hand around hers for a few seconds, and then I took my hand away. Within about ten seconds she was up, out of bed, and on with her morning.
> ...


Tell her to swallow or it's going in her eye.....just kidding

she just sounds very selfish

I too love going down on my wife to completion and she might return the favor about 30% of the time.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> A little advice for the future. If you D, don't tell your next gf your sexual expectations. Let the sexual part of the relationship develop naturally. If you say what you expect, that's what you'll get. You'll never know if she really likes what you like.


hehe

It depends on your expectations though, doesn't it.

If it's 2-3 times a week then yes, probably hold back.

But if you expect it on regular/daily basis, tell her up front....I believe in setting honest/real expectations.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

KeepHangingOn said:


> No kids. I always wanted kids, but that ship has now sailed.


I think another ship should sail! :scratchhead:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

DoF said:


> hehe
> 
> It depends on your expectations though, doesn't it.
> 
> ...


 If a new partner has a puny sex drive such that they can't manage the frequency spontaneously that makes you happy then they may not be "the one".

Daily sex may happen in the honeymoon phase but may not continue unless the partner is HD. A person never knows if a partner will answer honestly if you make the relationship based on daily sex in perpetuity. They will either walk away or stay and lie or be honest. Having sex daily LT may be difficult to find? 

One solution is to not marry and get a new sex partner when the current partner stops having sex daily. Since the honeymoon period last for about 2 yrs, they can cycle through women every two years. they are assured of getting daily sex.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If you refuse to D, then your life being unfulfilled is your fault. 

You know what you need to do, but refuse to do it.

You don't even share a marital bed. You are glorified roomates.

No kids, D ASAP ! You don't mention your age, but you could still have a family unless I guess you are really up there in age.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

OK.

This one's gonna be harsh.

You have a choice. Path A is divorce. If you're going to take this path, do it cleanly, tell her why, and just get it done fast.

Path B is a deep dark path fraught with disaster and pain. But here's what has had some success in my life when my wife has been less than willing to be giving in the sack.

#1 Get all your **** sorted in your life. Be the best guy you can be. Act single (within reason). Go out and have fun! What is good in life Conan? Go do that.

#2 Be chill and calm in your dealings with your wife. Have a stupid grin on your face. Do not take any crap from her, but also don't put any of your crap on her. Act like she's just a person in your life that lives in your house. You don't let random strangers ruin your day.

#3 Stop going down on her, or trying to please her in the sack in any way. If you want to have sex with her, just start taking her clothes off and start having sex with her. Just for you. IF SHE SAYS NO IN ANY WAY STOP IMMEDIATELY AND GO DO SOMETHING ELSE. Remember -- and I don't know why this is key but it is -- have sex just for your pleasure. I think being excessively pleasing in the sack gives some women a sense of power and control and they feel no need to do the same... and it's actually a turn-off.

#4 Eventually she'll ask you what's up with the new you. Tell her you're not going live a sexually unfulfilling life, and if it keeps going this way she'll have to make a choice, because any marriage that you're a part of includes a mutually fulfilling sex life. Because Path C (staying married and getting your wife off while you get nothing) isn't going to happen.


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