# my rollercoaster hurts so bad



## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

Long story short...i have been with my now separated wife since the summer of 1995. We have 2 amazing girls 11 1/2 and 8 3/4 years old. During my 17 year marriage/relationship on 3 occasions, my wife had what seemed to be a brain transplant and completely changed. The first time (1999), before kids, she moved out, abandoned her real friends, turned on her parents, and me. about 8 months later, she was back to normal, we reconciled. 2005-2006....episode 2...we have 2 young kids, and it mirrored the first episode, except she didnt move out....it was worse than the first....episode 3 fall 2011-present....same as episode 1 in terms of behaviors, moved out in Feb. this time, my kids are old enough to notice and they are a mess. major abandonment issues, in therapy, as am i.
Each episode my wife turned on everyone close to her and befriended co workers...some male, some female....She would disappear, lie about where she was, spend thousands of dollars on make up and clothes per month...(we didnt have that kind of money) and just totally disconnect from me (as well as everyone else)
Please note, the woman in between the years of the episodes was the woman of my dreams....i love her so much... the manic periods all lasting 6 months to a year have been so bad, they have destroyed my trust and caused me VERY large amounts of emotional pain.
She has been to a pyschiatrist (MD) and two different ones believe it is bipolar...i didnt realize episodes could be that far apart but aparrently so. She refuses to accept it, seek help ( she gives me and her family lip service saying she will but never does, etc)
As it stands, we live apart, i am in the marital home with the girls, she has calmed a bit but still disconnected to the family..i went to attorney and we have a full Property Settlement Agreement (basically we are financially divorced) but NOT legally divorced.

Now, I love her very much when she is in a "normal" phase.
My kids hurt so badly about this, especially my 11 year old who is beginning puberty on top of it!
Ive been to therapy 26 times and have severe depression.
I am taking meds for anxiety ( basically extended realease version of xanax, lexapro, and wellbutrin was just added

I cant get over her. Basically, I am choosing to not let go. I do not want to. Until I decide I want to move forward, nothing will change, Logically, I know I have no control over her behaviors, but emotionally I do not.

I cant let go....I struggle because I know the episode will pass, but from what I understand as you get older, the gaps between them shrink, and they get worse. this has proven true so far...
I cant envision my life without her, yet i know my trust is gone, mainly my sense she will never embrace this illness.
I continue (for the kids sake) to allow her to come and go in the marital home and see them...it helps them but causes a disappointment later....UGH...any advice? as I type, i realize its so broken, yet i cant stop or let go...
Help.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I think you have to insist on her agreeing with treatment for her Bipolar Disorder.

I know, easier said than done, but what happens when the kids are old enough to realize the next time she snaps and abandons them?


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

Definitely easier said than done! I failed to mention that I brought her to a psychiatrist on many different occasions and we never made it past the second session she started to fail to show up and even her parents are unable to get her to move on it. In working with my kids therapist, they realize that mommy has "mood issues". When they get older, I am assuming that they will understand that their mother comes in and out of their lives? That saddens me tremendously as well as them. When she's not in the manic phase of the bipolar, She is so attentive even overprotective and close with the two girls it's very confusing for them. The lipservice she gives us in terms of getting help is beginning to fall on deaf ears with her real best friends her parents me and even my 11 1/2 yr old. The only people she talks to our the surface friends who are coworkers. She's had many of those coming go throughout her life and when they come she goes Allin with them because they know nothing to the point where she puts them ahead of her family just a symptom of being bipolar but so many times these friends have been prioritized over me whether male or female that it is cause so much pain for me emotionally. Ironically, when she's not bipolar she always had a little bit of a trust issue with me and I'm a completely honest man! It's very hypocritical but has to be due to the illness so sad
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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> I cant let go....I struggle because I know the episode will pass, but from what I understand as you get older, the gaps between them shrink, and they get worse. this has proven true so far...
> I cant envision my life without her, yet i know my trust is gone, mainly my sense she will never embrace this illness.
> I continue (for the kids sake) to allow her to come and go in the marital home and see them...it helps them but causes a disappointment later....UGH...any advice? as I type, i realize its so broken, yet i cant stop or let go...
> Help.


If it's any consolation, she is the mother of your children so you will always be connected in that way. She will always, in some form or other, be in your life.

That being said, there is no reason that you can't be her friend during her good times. What I mean is that she can be in your life, date her, call her, enjoy her company BUT remain in separate residences so her coming and going isn't so dramatic and painful for you and your children.

And, when she is off doing whatever it is she does, you can try to move on with your own life and your own interests. Who knows. Maybe you'll find that life is good without her. If not, you'll still spend the time doing things that you enjoy. When there comes a point in time where her "mood" does not control you and your children, you are free to enjoy your own life and this will be less painful to you and your family.


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

Thank you for your words. They are true. She will always be in my life, just not in the way it use to be. That hurts me. I can not imagine my kids at this age wanted to go on any kind of vacation or even day trip without her. I miss the intamacy and her being my best friend. I also can not imagine myself introducing another woman to them. They say some people never get over things- I'm afraid I may be one of them. Btw, I'm 41
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reese100 (Jun 19, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> . They say some people never get over things- I'm afraid I may be one of them. Btw, I'm 41
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please don't think this. There are over 100 different kinds of therapy and it's important to get the right one. Please read this book so you can understand why your wife is acting this way, and also understand your own symptoms. There are self-help techniques you can start using immediately and also guidance to find a therapist that can help. 

EMDR therapy is comparatively fast and recognized by organizations like the Department of Defense and the American Psychiatric Association as an effective trauma treatment. What you have been going through are traumas. And there is also research showing that certain kinds of experiences are at the basis of bipolar. At 41 you can't give up!

Amazon.com: Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy (9781594864254): Francine Shapiro: Books


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

Reese100
thank you for the book suggestion. As long as it is not based on religion, I am open to it. do you have any quick suggestions for me?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

I feel you brokeman 30. I know how real those fears are. Ill be 44 in Oct & I'm realizing that life will continue. I have a 6 month time frame in my mind. If she doesn't want to even try working on us then I file for divorce,I have 5 kids & they are all hurting.eventually life as it is will become normal. What bothers me is if I divorce I don't want to have to have her be my friend or know anything about her. Ill be cordial with kid exchange but that's it. I will always be in love with her & that'll hurt to much.I need complete break from her forever. I'll need to recover & some how move on


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

our vision shattered....
I just cant let go. As I read your post, I got a pit in my stomach. can you elaborate on why your situation happened?


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> our vision shattered....
> I just cant let go. As I read your post, I got a pit in my stomach. can you elaborate on why your situation happened?


I know I can't either, click on my name & find threads by this user & just start reading, totally here for you, my wife had a traumatic brain injury & brain surgery, we separated 9 weeks ago, she asked me to move out. She has pain & blame for me over this last year that just doesn't make scense to me, I'm asking we go to counseling, she in an emotional uproar asked for a divorce followed a week later she's seeing someone now, I'm living in hell & not sure I know my bride of 13 years anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Reese100 (Jun 19, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> Reese100
> thank you for the book suggestion. As long as it is not based on religion, I am open to it. do you have any quick suggestions for me?


It's not based on religion. The therapy is science-based and the book will give you a really good understanding of why your wife is acting the way she is. And also how you can start getting your emotions under control. I agree it's an awful situation. But things can and will be different for you with the self-help tools and right support. It's not just "counseling" with an EMDR therapist. It uses specific science based procedures that allow your brain to "digest" the experiences. 

It feels awful because you're getting constantly triggered. So, take a deep breath and know that right now you can't control your wife's reactions, but you will be able to control yours and that will put you in a much better place to deal with the situation. You're not permanently "broken." It will get better.


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

Reese100 said:


> It's not based on religion. The therapy is science-based and the book will give you a really good understanding of why your wife is acting the way she is. And also how you can start getting your emotions under control. I agree it's an awful situation. But things can and will be different for you with the self-help tools and right support. It's not just "counseling" with an EMDR therapist. It uses specific science based procedures that allow your brain to "digest" the experiences.
> 
> It feels awful because you're getting constantly triggered. So, take a deep breath and know that right now you can't control your wife's reactions, but you will be able to control yours and that will put you in a much better place to deal with the situation. You're not permanently "broken." It will get better.


Thank you very much!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenman30 (Oct 28, 2011)

help...anymore advice out there? 

I emotionally can not disconnect....logically, it is clear cut..

why?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

brokenman30 said:


> help...anymore advice out there?
> 
> I emotionally can not disconnect....logically, it is clear cut..
> 
> why?


Codependecy?

Have you read the 180 list? That also greatly helps you detach.


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