# Wife is gone... kind of (long post)



## SurvivingTX (Dec 4, 2011)

I found this site while searching on the internet. Good site.

I have been married for over 20 years, with the first seven (7) being GREAT. The last years have been really tough.

She has filed divorce papers (I believe) 4 times, and threatens divorce if not weekly, at least several times each month. She signed a lease on a house in '07, never spent a night there, and it took me ~30 days and 3 mos rent to "buy out" of that mess. We have been to more conselors than I can count, and there is a fairly consistant message, "When she threatens to move out or D again, just pack her bags and place them at the door". The latest counselor (up until Aug 2011) had a unique view, "Neither of you are bad people, you are just bad together". The latest counselor spent extra time with me to explain that the relationship is not likely to get better (in it's current state) and that I already know the answer. She also spoke that my W may be facing a mid life crisis.

My W and I fundamentally disagree on many things:
- raising kids (she wants to be their friend, I thing there needs to be rules and consequences for their actions
- finances (she has racked up several times over 50K in cc bills)
- I seem to be the needy one on the relationship side (love to spend lots of time with her, shopping, hanging out, home remodel, etc)

My W has spent her adult life without a formal job (until ~2 mos ago), and has devoted herself to the kids. Mostly being their best friend. She recently took a decent job in late September.

About 11/01 (~ 1mo into her new job), she started talking again about moving out. After several days, I told her that it seemed like she was not going to be happy until she left me. If she was set on doing it, just do it and get it over with. It drug on for some time. The weekend before Thanksgiving, she told me that she had signed a lease on a house and was moving out the week of Thanksgiving. She started moving before Thanksgiving, then played happy married couple for our college son coming home, then returned to moving out. She had moved most everything by 11/30 and began staying there on 11/30. She cleared EVERYTHING out of several rooms (while I was at work), including pictures, all furniture, EVERYTHING. She did the LR, GR, Breakfast, study, and my kids rooms. She did not touch our 17yo son's room, MBR, or the MBR closet (she has taken minimal clothes). Our 17 yo wants NOTHING to do with her. He found out she had not included him in the move, not sure he would have wanted to go.

Our 16yo and 14yo daughters both went with her, and really did not speak to me for the two weeks leading up to the move. They are UGLY to me.

I was hurt by everything she took, as it seems really "final", yet she insists she does not want to make it final. She needs to work things out for herself.

She found out that our son was in town last night and showed up at the house, acting as if everything was good. She said she needed to pick up a few things. My older son just thinks it is weird, and says his mother has no answers when he asks. 

Probably against the judgement of members here, I did go pick her up from work for lunch today, I had our second son with me. They did not speak at all.

After she returned to work, I asked our son if he was uncomfortable with going to lunch with Mom. He said YES! I asked if he wanted to not do that anymore. He said he didn't want to. I asked "why?". He very calmly says, "You go pick her up and you both act like all is fine. She left YOU, Dad!" Ouch that hurt!

Anyways, she has said that she intends to go to church tomorrow, and could we discuss some stuff in the afternoon. I have been providing more than required under CS, so finances should be handled. She says she needs to pick up more of her clothes. Beyond clothes, there is not much more that she can take, the house is pretty much empty.

I am lost as to path to take, as she continues to lure me in. She has signed a year lease, and I have no intent of cleaning up that mess again. It looks like we are destined to be split for some time.

At times, I feel like driving by her house, but have kept myself from doing that. I have been staying busy with projects. She has started spending on cc again (I know at least $4K), and not really sure that I have a way to control that with actually filing papers.

Friends have suggested changing the locks and filing abandonment, but that really seems to "seal the deal" for D.

I would like nothing more than to make this M work, but really tired of her always running for the door. She seems really far away, and it seems that if she thinks she is losing me, then she "ropes me back in".

Am I being a sucker? Is she saying she just wants a separation to allow her to get everything she wants before she files (though she insists this is not the case)? What should I be prepared for next?

Any thought or insight would be greatly appreciated.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

As much as the standard fare applies - I'm not sure you will take anything from the advice offered. I don't sense a backbone at all with you (not to be rude - but HELLO? Do you lie in front of a door and are called Matt?) 

Man up! 

Read the following:

1 - No More Mr Nice Guy

I won't recommend anything else right now, looks like you need major help in this department before you can actually move forward with getting the standard advice from this forum. 

Seriously - change the locks - put the rest of her crap on the lawn, get to a lawyer and file yourself. Get stuff out of the joint bank account and cancel any credit card she has in her possession that is also in your name. 

The Divorce filing is necessary to get your name off of the financial responsibility for her actions. you don't need this. 

Read the stuff in the Men's forum and the Coping with Infidelity forum. You need the advice from both!


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## SurvivingTX (Dec 4, 2011)

D3, thanks for the advice. My biggest fear is that through each of those actions you have suggested, I feel will drive this matter to closure around D. I certainly do not want this to happen, and feel that I am trying to take steps to ensure that it doesn't.

Is there a way that I am able to stop the charging on the credit cards? I contacted the cc companies several weeks ago, and they advised that due to there being a balance remaining, I have to get her to sign to remove me from finacial responsibility and she has to be approved to hold the current responsibility alone (the credit cards have a very high limit based on my past income). From her prior runup of debt in early 2010, one card had been reduced to ~$3K (12%APR), while the other still has ~$14K (0%APR). I know that she took a cash advance on the lower balance one a few weeks ago. Unknown as to what else she has charged. 

I was at church with our son this AM, and saw that she was way in the back. We spoke very briefly, and she said she planned on coming by later to pick up her clothes (as it getting colder and she has limited at current), and to "talk". 

It bothers me that she acts as if she can just come and go as she pleases in the house I stay, yet she never bothered to even share the address to which she moved. I do have an idea of where she is living from my son who was told. I have refused to go by.

It feels more and more like I am being played.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to see a lawyer ASAP and get your finances protected. She's running up debt fast and it's going to get worse. Get a lawyer immediately to deal with this so you do not get stuck with her debt if you divorce.

next deal with the reality here. She's gone. She's wanted to for a long time, and she's finally gotten the money an executed her plan.

It's cold and nasty that she's done. You need to stop living in denial, and stop waiting for her to do the next move.

Yes get those locks changed.

Yes protect yourself financially.

Yes file.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You really need to man the f*ck up. Even if you want to fix your relationship, I see the only way of doing that is to stand up and earn her respect. Cut her off financially. Draw up separation or divorce papers to keep her out of the house. Take ownership of the relationship, draw up boundaries for acceptable behavior, and stick with them. 

Even your son can see what's going on, and he'll lose respect for you if you continue this. I'm guessing your daughters have progressed way past that, and merely see you as an ATM. I pity their future boyfriends/husbands. You've taught them a very unhealthy behavior through your actions. 

Sorry to be harsh, but in my opinion, you need a reality check. Staying together for the sake of the kids is not always better.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SurvivingTX (Dec 4, 2011)

We are not staying together for the sake of the kids. I still love her deeply. She says she is still so deeply in love with me.

She also says she has some demons that she needs to work through that have been with her since a child. She needs to resolve these issues so that she can be the wife that she longs to be.

She said today, amongst tears, "please don't give up on me yet". She seems genuine in that she wants to work through issues, and I am not ready to give up on her yet.

There is no legalized seperation in TX, so we are going at this informally. She has assurred me that there are no charges on the cc's, save for the single $4K charge that she told me up front. She has also assured me that there won't be in the future.

She has also assured me that there is no one else. She said she cannot handle a relationship, and has asked that I respect our marriage vows as well. 

She has asked if she can call me tonight before bed.

I want this to work. Maybe it can. It will be tough, but if we make it through, it would be so worth it. She really is a beautiful, amazing woman.


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## TroubldHusband (Nov 29, 2011)

If you both want it to work, put in the serious effort to make it work. Get counseling, talk to each other about everything, and try to start a new relationship with her, one where the past is the past and the future is whatever you two want it to be. Dream together. Love each other with everything you have, and don't give up.

On another note, though, you definitely need to take your man-card back. I'm a romantic at heart, but know when to be soft and sweet, and when to take a stand and not let myself be pushed around. Your behavior is not attractive to her. She needs someone to be strong for her if she can't be for herself. Show her that you can be a man and are in control of your life. Like someone else said, NO MORE MR. NICE GUY. Play hardball. Show her you're serious and put your damn foot down on her running all over your life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You don't fix a problem by running away. You only put off the inevitable.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Look SurvivingTx - we want the best possible outcome for you, however, you will only do what you are going to do anyway. 

There's a famous Texan on TV that says - "How's that working for ya?" - Well - how is it - really?

Did you wife tell you what $4G was for? Did you have an addendum in your marriage vows that said - "I get to treat you like sh*t, separate from you, not be your W - but expect you to treat me like I'm keeping my vows?" Dude - something IS wrong with your wife - but the way she is handling this is NOT the way a married couple respecting vows does it. 

To protect yourself and teach your kids that you respect yourself, you need to put the boundaries down. 

When you file for Divorce - it puts the protections in place that you and your kids require - you don't actually have to complete it - you can stop it at anytime. 

The fact is, many wayward spouses do this type of stuff to their spouses (feign innocence, feign fidelity, feign love) all the while they are giving their marriage partner the shaft. 

If she has mental issues, there is a time, place, and way to approach this that respects the boundaries of marriage. Your W is NOT adhering to this. 

Put the D option in play and be prepared to lose your W. If she is truly mentally ill, she'd be better off voluntary committed to a mental institution for help, not living a single life on her own. 

This will NOT end well for you. Man up, see this. 

There's a thread by a person on here by the name of "Billy Baroo" or close to - look his thread up and read it. It VERY much runs in parallel to yours. His is just a few weeks down the road. His W feigned some of the same stuff - guess what - she actually went out with another guy and lied to him about it. She sounds like your W. 

Don't believe us. Go ahead, all is well in your marriage. Drop you britches, bend over, and grab your ankles - your W still loves you in the morning. Riiiiggghhhtht! 

No offense - but wake up here!


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

SurvivingTx - So - what do you have to say now you've read the Billy Baroo thread?

I'm glad you are looking at it from outside your own perspective. It helps with it. Einstein said something like this years ago.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

SurvivingTX said:


> At times, I feel like driving by her house, but have kept myself from doing that. I have been staying busy with projects. She has started spending on cc again (I know at least $4K), and not really sure that I have a way to control that with actually filing papers.


Then file, you can’t control her so stop trying.


> Friends have suggested changing the locks and filing abandonment, but that really seems to "seal the deal" for D.


Look, divorce is not that big a deal and there’s no “point of no return”. Filing isn’t sealing the deal to anything, less than half of people that file for divorce actually go through with it. I should know, I still have my “petition for divorce” locked up from 3 years ago (yes I’m still married).


> Am I being a sucker? Is she saying she just wants a separation to allow her to get everything she wants before she files (though she insists this is not the case)? What should I be prepared for next?


Yea, she is keeping on the line until she drops the hammer.


> My biggest fear is that through each of those actions you have suggested, I feel will drive this matter to closure around D. I certainly do not want this to happen, and feel that I am trying to take steps to ensure that it doesn't.


Stop being afraid of divorce, that fear is going to cause you to make mistakes. If she wants to divorce there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Well, actually the best method to keep her from wanting to divorce is to actually push for one yourself. If you want a divorce, she’ll want to stop you. Even if she wants a D, she’ll want it on her terms, not yours. You trying to D her will make her put the brakes on it.



> I still love her deeply. She says she is still so deeply in love with me.
> We are not staying together for the sake of the kids. I still love her deeply. She says she is still so deeply in love with me.
> She said today, amongst tears, "please don't give up on me yet". She seems genuine in that she wants to work through issues, and I am not ready to give up on her yet.


Don't let your love blind you to her taking advantage of you.

This is all a bunch of BS. If she meant ANY of it she never would have left. She is telling you this because she wants to keep you on the line and be able to get as much as she can from you if she does the D. Do not trust her.

Playing doormat isn’t going to earn you any respect. If you want her back, you need to basically “dump” her. If anything she said is even a fraction true, she will chase you and try to win you back. That means you are going to have to file for a D to show her you are serious.

It cost me like $300 (I’m in Texas too) to do it myself then you have to sit on it for 61 days. That’s a small price to pay to potentially save your M.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

SurvivingTx: You there still? Any updates? How are you doing? Inquiring minds want to know!


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