# In-Laws are ruining marriage



## ontheoutside

I moved 1500 miles away from my family and friends to start a life with the man I love, and now that we have a son together, I feel completely stuck, alone, unsupported, and sad...

My parents in law keep my 6 month old son. They are semi-retired and have the flexibility. Its fantastic for us as it saves a lot of money and we know he is well taken care of.
We live 2 miles from my husbands parents and he used to live with them until we got married (he is 40)... so I expected a long transition for him to become a husband and father when he has only ever been a son.

My mother in law has said some very rude, disrespectful, hateful, and hurtful things to me in the past and I have chose not to visit her home. She hasn't apologized for the way she acted and my husband doesn't expect her to. Now my husbands brother has a problem with me being "so mean" to his mother, he called yelling and cursing at me because I didn't attend a dinner at my MIL's house that I was invited to. My husband doesn't take my side, support me, or show his family that we are a united front... because we aren't! I don't feel this is a marriage without having my husbands support, he feels like he is in the middle between myself and his family. 

We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and neither of us is ok with divorce... what to do now?


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## HeavenSent

ontheoutside said:


> I moved 1500 miles away from my family and friends to start a life with the man I love, and now that we have a son together, I feel completely stuck, alone, unsupported, and sad...
> 
> My parents in law keep my 6 month old son. They are semi-retired and have the flexibility. Its fantastic for us as it saves a lot of money and we know he is well taken care of.
> We live 2 miles from my husbands parents and he used to live with them until we got married (he is 40)... so I expected a long transition for him to become a husband and father when he has only ever been a son.
> 
> My mother in law has said some very rude, disrespectful, hateful, and hurtful things to me in the past and I have chose not to visit her home. She hasn't apologized for the way she acted and my husband doesn't expect her to. Now my husbands brother has a problem with me being "so mean" to his mother, he called yelling and cursing at me because I didn't attend a dinner at my MIL's house that I was invited to. My husband doesn't take my side, support me, or show his family that we are a united front... because we aren't! I don't feel this is a marriage without having my husbands support, he feels like he is in the middle between myself and his family.
> 
> We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and neither of us is ok with divorce... what to do now?


I have the same crap with my husband's mother- she is very rude- she has also abused me many of times and says rude things she never says sorry and my husband is always on her side; I really know how you are feeling here and a lot of times in laws will make a marriage fall apart- My husbads mom has been trying for 17 years. His father and his mom are not together but he was a cool person and he loved me... Saddly to say he passed away and sad thing was it was on my Birthday- He has now been gone for 5 years... I hope though things do change for you- and work on what you have- you do not want to divorce over this


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## HeavenSent

Also you, should talk with your husband- let him know how you feel let him know what his mother is making you feel. I know it hard on you, when a husband acts so much like a "mommys boy" I know my husband was that way for years and now is somewhat on myside- sometimes... It is hard I know- but when a son and mom are close there really is not any getting into him-


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## F-102

The whole family, hubby included, gangs up on you? What is this, the Manson Family?!?!


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## cherrypie18

ontheoutside said:


> I moved 1500 miles away from my family and friends to start a life with the man I love, and now that we have a son together, I feel completely stuck, alone, unsupported, and sad...
> 
> My parents in law keep my 6 month old son. They are semi-retired and have the flexibility. Its fantastic for us as it saves a lot of money and we know he is well taken care of.
> We live 2 miles from my husbands parents and he used to live with them until we got married (he is 40)... so I expected a long transition for him to become a husband and father when he has only ever been a son.
> 
> My mother in law has said some very rude, disrespectful, hateful, and hurtful things to me in the past and I have chose not to visit her home. She hasn't apologized for the way she acted and my husband doesn't expect her to. Now my husbands brother has a problem with me being "so mean" to his mother, he called yelling and cursing at me because I didn't attend a dinner at my MIL's house that I was invited to. My husband doesn't take my side, support me, or show his family that we are a united front... because we aren't! I don't feel this is a marriage without having my husbands support, he feels like he is in the middle between myself and his family.
> 
> We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and neither of us is ok with divorce... what to do now?


I'm sorry you're going through that and I completely understand how you feel. I moved to another continent for him. And I actually left my husband because of his parents. He did defend me every once in a while, or at least pretended to to shut me up. If he did stand up for us I wouldn't have filed for divorce. And even then he stayed a mommas boy and let them screw up our future post divorce 'relationship'. We have an infant. We were actually living wth them and he wouldn't even discuss moving out, not even when I got pregnant. Because every time I convinced him that it was the right thing to do his parents would change his mind back. 

I wish I could give you advice, but besides talking about it with him calmly there isn't much you can do. And if he doesn't care then you know what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl

It is difficult to deal with irrational people. Having your husband's support is important, but you also have to back down a little bit. By refusing to appear in his mother's house shows you don't want to reconcile. You want them to lose their son. They want you to lose your husband. Who loses more? Your husband is really stuck! 

Hope your husband knows what kind of family he has. If they are nice people to him, then you might have to be more humble. If they are not nice people in his eyes, then you have him on your side, sound like he is still attached to his family. 

My mother-in-law is far from us, but my husband knows what kind of mother he has. She is loving, but she is nagging and she likes to feel sorry for herself. 

His mother came to Taiwan for two weeks, we did our best to show her the culture and people here. I can't say we treated her like a queen, but we did our best. My mother-in-law was just feeling miserable since Taiwan is so different from Canada. She was complaining and complaining, I really wished her gone back to Canada for the last few days. But I didn't say anything, I cried in my husband's arms. I felt bad that she didn't like Taiwan. I didn't put a fight with her, I just did what a daughter-in-law should do, keep my mouth shut and endured. 

The result: My husband really appreciated me for what I had done. My mother-in-law felt bad after she went back to Canada, she apologized to me, not directly, but indirectly. It was easy for her to apologize because I didn't do anything to upset her. 

We still have a very good relationship. 

I don't know what kind of family he has, so I don't know your situation. 

Anyway, there is only one way to win your husband, let him know what kind of people his family members are.


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## Bluemoon7

Yes, your In-laws are trouble, but the real problem is your husband.

When you get married, and even more so when you have children, you start a family and that family takes precedence over your other family. This means that your H should take offense to the way his family disrespects you and let them no their behavior is unacceptable. They are disrespecting him when they disrespect you. (Seriously, his brother called to yell at you for not coming to the in-law dinner? And what did H think/do about that?) You are not required to spend time with people who treat you badly. In fact, it's best you protect yourself from them. Otherwise, what are your options? Continue to be abused, mistreated, etc.? Defend yourself and possibly have the whole clan gang up on you? I think for the sake of peace and sanity, it's best to steer clear if that's what you are comfortable with. 

Where is your H in all of this? Does he think you should just put up with it? Is he under his mommy's spell and afraid of confrontation? Maybe he doesn't understand how much it hurts you? 

In the end boils down to what you will accept and be willing to live with. Ideally, your H would see the need to protect you from maltreatment from anyone, even his family. Unfortunately there is a good chance that he won't have the [email protected] 

Read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.

Good luck.


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## F-102

Sounds like the in-laws are the type who are sweet, rational and sane when H is around, but once his back is turned, World War III!
I know, my own family is the same way, and they wonder why I never call, and am the one family member who lives furthest away!LOL!
But, seriously, it sounds like they may have been talking to your H about how his crazy, confronational W is trying to turn him against his own family, when in fact, they are trying to turn him against you, and because they are two-faced, he believes them.
He seriously needs to man up, tell his family that he doesn't like the way they treat the woman he loves, and to knock it off. And if my bro called and swore at my wife like that, let's just say that I would see to it that I would be putting his dentists kids through college!


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## starsandrocketsgrl12

First of all, I hate to hear that you are going through this. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I can't believe the nerve of your H not to stand up for you. If you guys didn't have a child, I would ask you to get out of that toxic marriage. Are his parents controlling or controlled him as a kid? If that's true, you may also want to take that into consideration. The same thing is happening to my fiance right now. My family is fake to him to his face, and then when he's not looking, they talk crap about him. I have shown them in a way that I am not going to let him take that abuse. 

Bottom line: your husband needs to be on your team. It sounds like the umbilical cord is still attached to me.


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## cherrypie18

greenpearl said:


> It is difficult to deal with irrational people. Having your husband's support is important, but you also have to back down a little bit. By refusing to appear in his mother's house shows you don't want to reconcile. You want them to lose their son. They want you to lose your husband. Who loses more? Your husband is really stuck!
> 
> Hope your husband knows what kind of family he has. If they are nice people to him, then you might have to be more humble. If they are not nice people in his eyes, then you have him on your side, sound like he is still attached to his family.
> 
> My mother-in-law is far from us, but my husband knows what kind of mother he has. She is loving, but she is nagging and she likes to feel sorry for herself.
> 
> His mother came to Taiwan for two weeks, we did our best to show her the culture and people here. I can't say we treated her like a queen, but we did our best. My mother-in-law was just feeling miserable since Taiwan is so different from Canada. She was complaining and complaining, I really wished her gone back to Canada for the last few days. But I didn't say anything, I cried in my husband's arms. I felt bad that she didn't like Taiwan. I didn't put a fight with her, I just did what a daughter-in-law should do, keep my mouth shut and endured.
> 
> The result: My husband really appreciated me for what I had done. My mother-in-law felt bad after she went back to Canada, she apologized to me, not directly, but indirectly. It was easy for her to apologize because I didn't do anything to upset her.
> 
> We still have a very good relationship.
> 
> I don't know what kind of family he has, so I don't know your situation.
> 
> Anyway, there is only one way to win your husband, let him know what kind of people his family members are.


Badmouthing his own family won't make him understand what kind of people they are. It will only make him defend them more. He needs to see it on his own because unless the umbilical cord is cut off, he will never see it and will not stand up to them.


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## Mrs.G

ontheoutside said:


> I moved 1500 miles away from my family and friends to start a life with the man I love, and now that we have a son together, I feel completely stuck, alone, unsupported, and sad...
> 
> My parents in law keep my 6 month old son. They are semi-retired and have the flexibility. Its fantastic for us as it saves a lot of money and we know he is well taken care of.
> We live 2 miles from my husbands parents and he used to live with them until we got married (he is 40)... so I expected a long transition for him to become a husband and father when he has only ever been a son.
> 
> My mother in law has said some very rude, disrespectful, hateful, and hurtful things to me in the past and I have chose not to visit her home. She hasn't apologized for the way she acted and my husband doesn't expect her to. Now my husbands brother has a problem with me being "so mean" to his mother, he called yelling and cursing at me because I didn't attend a dinner at my MIL's house that I was invited to. My husband doesn't take my side, support me, or show his family that we are a united front... because we aren't! I don't feel this is a marriage without having my husbands support, he feels like he is in the middle between myself and his family.
> 
> We are stuck between a rock and a hard place, and neither of us is ok with divorce... what to do now?


Tell your husband that if he can't put your marriage FIRST, he needs to marry his mother. Men who live at home late tend to become spoiled and overly enmeshed with their mothers. 
If the marriage is strong, in laws cannot break it. If you don't want to be around your MIL, that's understandable. However, you cannot ask her to look after your child in the same breath. That is asking too much.
My mother and her side of the family were very vocal about my husband being white. They became so unpleasant that we cut them off. Our marriage is our first priority. We stay loyal to each other and rely on just ourselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moonangel

What a husband. He needs to stand up for you...his other half.


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## noahandrileysmom

Yeah, I kind of have the same problem except my MIL and SIL don't come right to me with their nastiness they go to my husband, who instead of defending me, "tunes it out." We also have a HUGE issue with them ignoring my son (from my first marriage) and doting on our daughter. I personally can deal with their dislike and nonsense about me, but can't abide how they treat my children. My husband says he's "caught in the middle" which I don't understand. He would rather fight with me about it than to stand up to his mother and tell her her behavior is unacceptable (he claims he feels the same way, but I think that's just for my benefit). It is really putting a strain on our marriage. We've started to go to counseling, but every time I say something about her that bothers me, he jumps on me and defends her, yet he NEVER defends me to her!


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## Figuring it out

Sending you some support from in-law hell, my dear. I've been through it, I am going through it and I wish you the best.

I have the same type of past as many above me. My MIL and FIL are unkind and evil people, showing their true colors over the past 17 years.

Finally last October I had enough. I laid down the law and cut off all ties with them (for a week). Yup, a week. That's all the time it lasted because when I cut off all ties with them, and told them they wouldn't ever see me or my children again - I looked straight at my husband and said, "Am I going to have to cut your @ss out of my life too? This has gone on WAY too long and by not defending me or putting me first has practically destroyed my marriage."

After a week, I realized that my children may suffer if they were cut completely from my In-laws. So I relented and have allowed them to see the kids on my terms, with my husband acting as guardian. That's what he asked for, and I felt it was the best for my situation...well I hope so, at least. Time will tell.

Anyway, my husband chose me and we have been working on our relationship since. We still have a long way to go. Each day we work on it. Most of all I have lost respect for him because he never put me first or defended me from the horrible ways his family treated me all those years.

Best of luck!!!


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## unicornhac

My mother in law hasn't seen my children in ten years. She would make my husband's three sisters call and threaten me. We weren't even invited to his niece's wedding, even though she was a junior bridesmaid in my wedding. My husband would visit his parents alone. After his father died, he stopped visiting. His family members only call him on his work phone. It makes me feel bad that we don't have much extended family, but my college age children have a lot of friends and I know they feel loved and wanted in our home. Maybe someday we will have loving people added to our family. I know how not to treat my future daughter in laws!


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## EleGirl

This is a 7 year old thread. The original poster has not been here in years. I'm closing this thread.


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