# Why Would He Be Stingy With His Girlfriend?



## RitaRee (Jun 9, 2011)

*I (25/F) and Art (30/M)recently broke up from a 1 year relationship. The problem: he barely paid for our dates, even after I told him it bothered me. He wants to get back together, but I'm unsure.*

Art is a smart, sensual, and charismatic man. The other parts of our relationship were fine except this. But this issue stuck out the most to me. When we're first dating, Art offered to pay for us. But after we became exclusive, Art told me he hated women who wanted men to pay for everything and thought things should be paid 50/50. So, from then on, we split the bill. It wasn't romantic to me, but I really liked him. After a few weeks, Art complained I never paid for him. So, I did. I either paid for both of us or I split the bill with him. But very rarely did HE pay for US also. 

After several months, I got angry. I like simple things. A dinner, a movie, some drinks now and then. But not always on ME! I told Art he was slacking. Multiple times. His answer was either a)total disbelief, b)reassurance that things WERE equal, or c) telling me he'd "look into it", buy 1 thing and then stop. For a while, I dropped it. I hated the negativity arguing brought. I hoped he'd change on his
own. He did not.

I decided to have a conversation about his finances. And Art told me he:
*1)was financially ok; pays his bills fine*
2)"put the matter into his subconscious" and knows he didnt handle it well
3)was "working on it his own way" but "obviously not the way I wanted."
4)was trying to spend on me and save for his future, but somehow failed to do both and is unsure how.
5) paid for his exs' dates when he earned more,but since he makes less now, he wants to spend more wisely.

Art's now paying for my plane ticket to come see him (My job transferred me to a different state before I broke up with him). Which I find ironic, cause he's spent more on me now that I broken up with him, than he had when we were together. Art wants us to get back together. But to me, if we lived closer together and I told you to step up in our relationship and you didnt...how would it get better, if we're now states away?

And why would a man be so stingy anyway?

Your thoughts?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He's just a cheapskate?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

He's either lying about his finances, or has a sense of entitlement. Maybe both. 

How did you end up paying for both of you that often? How did he let you know he expected you to pay, and was it before or after the dates?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

BTW, if you accept his plane ticket, don't be surprised to hear that used as an excuse for why you should pay for all the expenses while you're there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since this bothers you then don't get back together. He apparently likes to impress while chasing but that goes away after you're caught. It will be more of the same if you go back.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I paid for everything I could for my girlfriend. She is my wife now and it has been over 23 years since our first date .

Good investment!&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My hubby always paid on dates etc. too. He courted me, and I lapped it right up  I felt so special.

It's not about the money either, it's hard to explain. I would have been perfectly happy with coffee dates and walks in the park, and we did that a lot. We also did dinner and a movie quite often. Occasionally we'd have a special dinner at a fancy restaurant, but he always paid, no matter where we went. He wanted to, and he NEVER made me feel like a burden. Ever.

I remember one night after he'd taken me out for dinner, we were walking back to the car and I thanked him for dinner (as I always did, still do  ) and I said I loved that he loved to do those things for me, and that he never made me feel like a burden, he said "I'm glad, because you're not".

He was a very happy boy when we got home that night...hehehe


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He's stingy, cheap and/or entitled. Why would you want a man who is like this? 

Sure he paid for your flights now. But watch to see who pays for the dates once you are there. And once he had you convinced to go back with him.

The way I like to date is that whoever asks the other out pays. That gives both people a chance to spoil the other. It also gives each person some control over their own budget. And each person should ask the other out about as often.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

His values don't match yours. I wouldn't see him again.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

This is what dating IS about. Too see if both parties' ideals are compatible. Well, with this guy....they are not. Move on without him.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I say that he was just not all that invested in you and the relationship. No one else around interested him. Since his time was less valuable than his money, he was willing to give you a lot of time......... in exchange for you giving him free dates.

I used to be sympathetic to a man's financial position and sensitivities (ie, not being used for his money) while dating. But on thing I learned in a couple of situations: If he is not paying for you, then he most likely paying for someone else.

If you accept that ticket, buck up your resolve to not pay for anything while visiting him. so have your early exit strategy in plan as well. Even if that means just moving into a hotel until the day of your return flight.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why wouldyou waste your time flying to see someone who jerked you around?

"4)was trying to spend on me and save for his future, but somehow failed to do both and is unsure how."

Okay, flat-out lie. He expected you to pay your own way and his some of the time. So, just what did he did with his money if it wasn't going to you, him or the future?

He used you, period. He paid for himself and expected you to pay for him sometimes. You learned your lesson and it's time to let go.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Pooh Bear said:


> His values don't match yours. I wouldn't see him again.


This is my thought as well. I don't know why everyone is trying to string him up here. But clearly it's an incompatibility. Maybe OP and Art will be great partners for someone else with similar beliefs on finances.

Plus stuff like this usually isn't as clear cut as it sounds. He may not even enjoy going out to eat and would rather cook at home. For someone pinching pennies that doesn't like eating out so much, paying a bunch of money eating out would be difficult to enjoy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Plus stuff like this usually isn't as clear cut as it sounds. He may not even enjoy going out to eat and would rather cook at home. For someone pinching pennies that doesn't like eating out so much, paying a bunch of money eating out would be difficult to enjoy.


That would be understandable if he had said something about it. Then they could have less expensive and more enjoyable dates.

OP, you've broken up already, and you've moved away now, so what's the point of going back to see him? Date people in your own city and look for someone who is compatible with your views on splitting costs.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Myself and my H are both very frugal.. but when we met he went out of his way to treat me.. anything I wanted.. I was careful to not take advantage of it.. I do not like to see money wasted.. I'd be the 1st to say..."maybe we shouldn't go here, it costs too much"....(if getting serious that is.. as his/our money would be pooled together eventually anyway)......

You made no mention of what sort of Job/ income he has.. I would personally be JUST as annoyed with a man who wasted his money as one who was tight.. .. a balance is the best, one that can live within his means , enjoy going out now & then but not braking the bank... still putting some aside for those rainy days....so debt collectors aren't calling... or his living on credit.. 

And as THundarr pointed out.. nothing wrong with someone who'd rather cook at home and be careful with his finances..if he's in a tough spot right now...IF this be the case (??) .. but this should have been opened up & talked about....so things were understood, .... if nothing else....you & he are just not compatible.. 

Outside of the $$ equation.. how did he treat you.. affection wise...Time together.. laughter.. or this was just as "stingy" or lacking ?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Huh... shortly after I met my wife, I decided that I wanted to marry her. I started paying her debts when we were still dating. I tried to pay for everything... I wanted her to know that i wanted to provide for her for the rest of her life... 

ok, so I got her hooked and financially dependent on me... totally worth it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

When you are 25 years old and in a relationship, and you discover a major flaw, you end the relationship. That's the purpose of premarital dating. Don't chase a dream that will become your 50 year nightmare. Please.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Hicks said:


> When you are 25 years old and in a relationship, and you discover a major flaw, you end the relationship. That's the purpose of premarital dating. Don't chase a dream that will become your 50 year nightmare. Please.


or accept that it is what it is and you will have to deal with it... 


OP,
my wife was terrible with money when i met her. but, it was an issue i knew how to address. today she is great with money. 

i would have had no idea how to address stinginess(wouldnt have been an issue in my case)... besides just stating that its a huge turn off and not acceptable. but then you have to define what "acceptable" looks like. 

for instance, plan out dates and plan out who pays ahead of time, consistently. that way, you can just leave your money at home if its his turn to pay. no confusion, if he doesnt want to pay on his day, he doesnt get to date you. 

just remember... if you build resentment because you HAVE to have those kinds of talks with him... 

...that would be _your_ problem. those kinds of talks and agreements are needed anytime your in a relationship who is not on the same line of the same page as you. 

compatibility is not normally something that just happens. it usually has to be built.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Hicks said:


> When you are 25 years old and in a relationship, and you discover a major flaw, you end the relationship. That's the purpose of premarital dating. Don't chase a dream that will become your 50 year nightmare. Please.


That's what she is doing. and more importantly, exploring feelings -- both hers and her date's- towards money and how it's spent.


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## NewLifePlease (Oct 31, 2014)

I think his stinginess has nothing to do with you personally. This guy has deep seated issues with money. The reason why he is paying for a ticket is because he can "step out of his normal comfort zone" for a little while, but he WILL settle back into who he really is. And you will start to build up resentment. 

I agree with Hicks - move on. Don't take yourself off the market for this guy - you'll only be closer to 30 and starting to get worried you are not married and this guy just wasted years of your life. Use the time to find another boyfriend.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

If he thinks you're "expensive" now wait till you get married!
I too paid my wifes school debts and pay for EVERYTHING now. It's the way I want it to be. Marriage and kids are VERY expensive, incredibly so. Just today after spending $5,000.00 for my 16 year old daughters braces, they tell me she needs a porcelain tooth, whitening, etc. etc. Even our 3 dogs cost a fortune. One is a diabetic and I actually spent $2,500.00 for surgery for one I accidentally ran over. Hell, I spent $500.00 to save our pet embden goose who almost got eaten by one of our dogs.
This guy is NOT for you. 

Imagine driving to the vet with a 30 pound goose with a LONG neck sitting next to you in your pick up truck. The rubber neck looks I got were priceless. If any of you are single and you want a lot of attention, drive around with a goose in your truck. That'll do it!

I have to tell you this story. So I raise these 4 Embden geese from goslings. 2 female, 2 male. George ended up being the alpha male. VERY large and imposing. He's the one who was fighting my dogs and would not back down. Anyway, he would always fight the other male and would not let him get anywhere near the females. I felt bad for him and put George by himself in the barn for a week or so. The other male really got his game back and was having sex with the two females. After a week I let George out and he IMMEDIATLEY attacked the other male, got him on the frozen lake and pounded him through the ice to try and drown him. George was a tough guy and the females LOVED him !!


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

My boyfriend can be like that. He was mostly like that when I made more $ than him. I didn't actually make more he just had to pay child support. It drove me nuts. I would pinch pennies to save and then he'd tell me how high maintenance I was because I drank wine vs beer (happy hour) and most of the time *I* was paying!

Strangely enough, now that I'm making less than him he's trying each and every way to take care of me. I was pretty stressed about $ after Christmas he surprised me by taking me out on a date at a new brewery and buying me groceries and gas for my car! I'm not a good one to comment on this, probably as am experiencing my own financial problems with my man, but I'll be honest with you...if I wasn't so deeply entrenched emotionally (as you don't seem to be with him) I'd be dating other men. 

What is your income versus his? Could this be relevant? It just kind of seems like he isn't making much of an investment. 

Personally, I'd pass on that guy. He obviously has made you significantly uncomfortable as it relates to feeling equal as partners.


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