# dealing with use of prostitutes



## struggling55 (Jan 16, 2013)

Seems to be a lot of people here dealing with affairs. Is anyone else dealing with a husband who has spent years using prostitutes? (How) did you cope? I'm finding it really difficult - 12 months since I found out, still together, both in IC, in MC, but I'm not sure I can keep doing this.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Sorry you are here I'm sure someone who has will pop in to give advice soon.

How is the MC going? Have you got an idea why he was using prostitutes ? That can't be easy to deal with .


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I appreciate your anguish and sense of betrayal. My perspective is that this behavior, although dangerous if unprotected, is WAY better than an affair with emotional investment. I read some where that the majority of men worldwide have paid for sex at some time (Skewed by Asian cultures and Latin influences where this seems to be the norm)IS this a sign that the sexual side of your marriage was lacking? 

Be guided by your progress in counselling.

Good luck.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

Is he picking up street w-h-o-r-e-s??
Jesus...talk about a complete lack of regard for YOUR health and safety...I guess using an escort service isnt THAT much better, but still...

At least you know its just sex...and nothing emotional...sex addiction maybe??

Its still cheating though...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

In the 90's I knew just about every prostitute in the city I worked in as a chaplain. Having worked with them from a professional perspective to help them clean up their lives. Many did it for drug money, but there were some who did it just for the money as it paid a decent wage. Many of them were just morally bankrupt, having been abused as children.

Prostitutes are the easiest way to get sex there is and in some parts of the city where I now live it is relatively cheap.

Also with the high rate of STD's in this population it is very risky.

If you have not discussed this with your counselors I would address the issue of your personal boundary lines. I remember I went to a pastoral counselor in 2010 when my wife had a very sexual online EA. He predicted (without knowing my wife) that she would have a PA. She did within a year. He was the best counselor I ever had and it was sad when he retired and moved. He had worked for years with a very renowned pyschologist who specialized in adultery and had years of experience in this field. He asked me, what lines would have to be crossed before you say you had enough. I said if it was a PA that would be a deal breaker. He said, "Mac, your wife will have a PA if the guy she meets online is local". I said that would be it. Well, I am in R. I did start the process for D and my wife repented and came completely clean. That is the only reason I decided to try R. I got tired of all the lies. I had solid proof and she still lied, called me crazy.

Every one has their limits. If I was in your shoes, I would quit MC and file. But again, we have to come to terms with our own limits. My wife did horrible things to me and your WH did horrible things to you. Every marriage can be healed but the work to do it is hard. Is it worth it? Is it worth the agony? Can you forgive?

Betrayal is one of those things in life that is very difficult to work through. I hear your pain and see you questioning the whole process.

I would suggest you give it to the end of January and see where you are at. Evaluate your feelings and thoughts at that time and then think through what you want, need and what your life may look like in the future with him and without him.

I feel for where you are at in this process.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

struggling55 said:


> Seems to be a lot of people here dealing with affairs. Is anyone else dealing with a husband who has spent years using prostitutes? (How) did you cope? I'm finding it really difficult - 12 months since I found out, still together, both in IC, in MC, but I'm not sure I can keep doing this.


I guess my first question would be what would your daily lives together actually have to look like in order for you to start to believe that he wasn't doing that anymore and wouldn't do it again in the future? What conditions of his lifestyle allowed him opportunities to hire prostitutes, and what about his lifestyle would need to change so that he no longer had those opportunities?

After you figure that out, tell your husband what you need from him. Find out if he's even willing to make the changes you need. If he's not really willing to do what it takes so you can have some reasonable security that he's not visiting hookers again, then the entire question of how to heal the marriage is moot. Many WS's are willing to say a great deal to keep their marriage. Far fewer are willing to actually do much of anything to provide their BS with even a modicum of confidence that the pattern of cheating will not continue or resume. 

Find out what he's willing to do. See if that's enough for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband used a hooker once, that was his rock bottom. He is a sex addict.

There is no way your husband is going to stop what he's been doing unless he gets into some serious therapy/rehab. I would suggest that you tell him that one of your conditions is for him to see a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist) ASAP and continue to do so for the foreseeable future. Even if he isn't a sex addict, CSAT's know how to counsel such people.

What are the conditions you have set for R? Have you been tested for STD's?


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

My husband has never had traditional affairs and he has only been with swingers and escorts. It's hard to process how to react to this. For me- it does feel slightly better that he didn't fall in love with some one else. Like thorn urn said, you have to decide what your boundaries are.

Here's what I know. He lied about working late. He snuck out of the house at night. He used to say things like - how could I cheat on you when I'm with you all the time. He tried to play me for a fool. He spent marital money on "donations" for hotel rooms, erotic massages and god knows what else. It is the lies and betrayal and deception that are the deal breakers for me. Oh and exposing me to stds when I was breast feeding my son. Leaving me to take care of my son while he's out screwing around. Etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

looking for clarity said:


> exposing me to stds when I was breast feeding my son.


Everyone has different boundaries and limits but honestly... this is just so far beyond forgivable in my book... if you allow this, who is left to protect your son?

You're talking about something he did for YEARS and he hid it from you the whole time (I assume?) ... so this is someone who is excellent at lying, and someone who put his own gratification ahead of your health and the health of a baby, so I don't think I'd extend him any trust that he won't just do it again. That's why I used the word "allow" above. Now that you know, until you divorce him, I think you are in effect allowing this.

I am so sorry that you're going through this. You and your son deserve so much more than this.


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## looking for clarity (Aug 12, 2013)

I know, and he said it was to get off and he only wants a relationship with me. However, it's exposing me to stds and the crazies on Craigslist.

There was just a story of a newly we'd couple who murdered a man they lured on Craigslist. He could be robbed or blackmailed - there are risks. It is betrayal, lying and cheating and exposure to stds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

struggling55 said:


> 12 months since I found out, still together, both in IC, in MC, but I'm not sure I can keep doing this.


Make sure hubby knows this. Otherwise, in his mind he can get away with just about anything and you'll be right there for him.


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I'd be inclined to believe that he doesn't want another relationship; that doesn't seem to be at issue (because of the nature of prostitution) -- but does that mitigate or ameliorate the offense? To me, to many people... nope. It's still unconscionable. You did say in your OP that you felt better that there was no emotional component. And you are allowed to hold onto that and feel better and truly, anything that makes you feel better, good -- BUT ... protect yourself. It does NOT make what he did less bad. It makes you FEEL less bad perhaps in some ways, but he is still a creep.

He:

- took advantage of women who may have been sex trafficked, may have been underage, may have been in absolutely desperate situations, may have been abused

- quite probably contributed to the utter misery of women who spend their days being used sexually, repeatedly, by strangers. (While it is true that some women choose and enjoy sex work, it is statistically nearly impossible that ALL of the prostitutes he used over the years did.)

- exposed his wife to STDs

- exposed his baby son to STDs

- lied repeatedly to the point that he was in effect living a double life

- et freaking cetera!!!!!!

I really mean what I said before. You absolutely deserve so much more than this, and while it's entirely your decision to make, you should know that many if not most people in your position would NOT stay married to someone who perpetrated those things on them.


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## struggling55 (Jan 16, 2013)

KanDo said:


> I appreciate your anguish and sense of betrayal. My perspective is that this behavior, although dangerous if unprotected, is WAY better than an affair with emotional investment. I read some where that the majority of men worldwide have paid for sex at some time (Skewed by Asian cultures and Latin influences where this seems to be the norm)IS this a sign that the sexual side of your marriage was lacking?
> 
> I have wondered whether it would be worse if it was an ea. I'm not sure - part of the issue for me is the number of prostitutes he's been with (over 6 years, conservative estimate must be above 70), and my feelings about the process - going to a brothel and choosing someone for a lineup. Disgusting behaviour in my mind. And some of them he did feel something for. On the other hand, he's the father of our children, we share grandchildren and a large range of interests, our lives are very much intertwined - we've been together for 2/3 of our lives. As far as I know he was faithful for over 30 years. I can't be sure I'd be happier without him - and he is quite clear that he wants to stay. But I'm not sure I can cope with my feelings.


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## struggling55 (Jan 16, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Make sure hubby knows this. Otherwise, in his mind he can get away with just about anything and you'll be right there for him.


I haven't said this outright - but I have given some indication. I think you're right, I need to say it. He is genuinely trying to make things better for me - so day to day things can be ok. My feelings are the problem.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm so sorry .

My H "only" had an EA and the lies and betrayal are SO hard to process. I had sort of wished he had a ONS or something not so intimate, until I read this.

The exposing you and your baby to STD's and as you said crazies. I don't know what to say except you are strong as all get out, and much more forgiving than I could ever imagine being. 

I hope it works out for you.

Have you gotten a clear explanation of how he did this and what he is planning to do to stay faithful?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

struggling55 said:


> I haven't said this outright - but I have given some indication. I think you're right, I need to say it. He is genuinely trying to make things better for me - so on day to day things can be ok. My feelings re the problem.


Why are you tiptoeing around this man who is having SEX WITH PROSTITUTES?

You're obviously afraid of him, and he knows this.

It gives him ALL the power.


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## struggling55 (Jan 16, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why are you tiptoeing around this man who is having SEX WITH PROSTITUTES?
> 
> You're obviously afraid of him, and he knows this.
> 
> It gives him ALL the power.


Not afraid of him. Socialised not to hurt others. And still unsure. I retain the power to leave the marriage - he has said he will never choose to leave. And when I say leave, if it comes to that, it will be on my terms. He will have to leave our home in the city, and our country place will have to be sold. I'm not sharing it with him, and he knows that. He also knows that one transgression means the end. That worries him. So no - he doesn't have all the power.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your H, has slept with at least 70 other women, while married to you----what's the difference whether they are professionals, or AP's---

Just out of curiosity---what do you think you see when you look in the mirror????????


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

struggling55 said:


> Not afraid of him. Socialised not to hurt others. And still unsure. I retain the power to leave the marriage - he has said he will never choose to leave. And when I say leave, if it comes to that, it will be on my terms. He will have to leave our home in the city, and our country place will have to be sold. I'm not sharing it with him, and he knows that. He also knows that one transgression means the end. That worries him.  So no - he doesn't have all the power.


If and when you divorce, it's not up to you what you get to keep for yourself. 

Even if he said something like "If we divorce I will move out and you can have whatever you want" you can surely expect that to change. 

He's only thinking about himself, that much is clear. Don't fool yourself. He doesn't care all that much about you. The only reason he's acting somewhat remorseful is he doesn't want to go through the inconvenience and expense of divorce. Once you pull the "D" card, all bets are off.


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