# Co-parenting struggles after divorce



## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

I’ll set the stage:
Divorced father of 3 kids, boys 16 and 14, 10yo daughter. Ex stayed with the reason we divorced 8 years ago, I remarried 5 years ago. Ex is the primary caregiver. Visitation has never been structured, but the kids are with me about a third of the time. 
Honesty has never been ex’s strong point and when “co parenting” she prefers to withhold information than discuss. Like the time the boys got cell phones and I had to find out through my own detective work months later. She “wanted to tell me” (Side note: no parental controls, no limitations to screen time etc). 
There have been countless issues like this in the past, but recently things have come to a point. 
16yo has long term girlfriend. I drove past her house late one night and saw his car there, (he was with Mom this night). I asked about this the following day and he admitted that he spends the night there frequently. Apparently my ex and the girlfriends mom decided it would be better for them to play house at the age of 16 than to sneak around. I’m not a monster, but I can’t in good conscience let him stay with her on his nights with me. 
So my question is, how can I have a meaningful relationship with my kids, teach morals and values and create and keep boundaries, if all that goes out the window when they’re not with me? I worry that visiting dad will just be a chore if they’re required to follow rules...


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Not an attack by any means but some honest questions. Addressing your last paragraph's question? How do you do all of that? The answer with your circumstances, is pretty damn hard man. 

It's never too late to try and improve things, especially if you have genuine concern but after 8 years like this it's going to be even more of an uphill battle. That along with no structured visitation and only about a third of the time with them, just that much tougher.

So let's start with this. Was a third of the time all you could get legally or all you could handle personally with job situation, etc? When it comes down to it, you can only try to instill what you can during your time with them and try to communicate more often with then directly when they are with their mom, on their phones and other communication devices to establish a tighter bond. When you are with them and you do things differently than what their mom does don't cut her down but explain as much as possible why you do the things the way you do.

Finally, is there a way you can increase your time with them to get closer to a true 50/50 split? Unfortunately you will have a narrow line to tow but the job will continue to be that much more difficult with a big time disparity.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You have zero control on what your ex decides is ok or not. Given that the cats out of the bag: 

Teens have sex whether their parents approve or not. Just because your son is spending the night with his GF at her parent's house does not imply they are allowed to bang away all night or that they do. More likely they cuddle all the time looking at internet memes and watching youtube and have quickies when no one is around. That is something you can't stop and will happen regardless of the parents rules. So treat them like adults and they will somewhat act like it. 

So my advice to you is accept your 16 year old is sexual active. Have the smart talk with him about birth control ( he has to use condoms), STDs, the meaning of consent ( no means no, definition of date rape etc ), the proper respect he must give his girlfriend as a human being and as a young women and last the realty of getting his heart broken. 

Then let her spend the night there with your son. Have a discussion on the rules with both of them, and include the above outline about safe sex, condoms, pregnancy etc. The girls mother cannot complain as she has clearly allowed your son to stay with her daughter in her in her home. Your house, your rules, your lecture. Like they can sleep together but you want the bedroom door open because of the younger siblings. 

I had the same issue with my kids. My oldest sons GF pretty much moved in senior year of high school. It was obvious her and my son were intimate. We let her sleep with him overnights with open door policy and they never abused it. She treated my youngest daughter with absolute respect and was a pleasure to have around. I would have been happy if he married her but once they went off to different universities they moved on. 

I never regretted letting my kids have their boyfriends and girlfriends over. One thing I noticed was they never used the liberty I gave them for random hookups - they never disrespected the family home. They only introduced real GFs/BFs.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I don't think I'd be walking over my morals, values in this situation. She has her time which you can't control or do anything about. Then you have yours.

It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let a 16 yr old bring his gf to my home and sleep together. Or stay over at her house on my time.

I would have the conversation about safe sex, etc.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> I don't think I'd be walking over my morals, values in this situation. She has her time which you can't control or do anything about. Then you have yours.
> 
> *It would be a cold day in hell before I'd let a 16 yr old bring his gf to my home and sleep together. Or stay over at her house on my time.*
> 
> I would have the conversation about safe sex, etc.


Yup, me too. I always told my kid that when she is paying her own bills (i.e. living on her own) then she can make the above types of decisions for herself ... until then, my house, my rules.

I am not going to enable irresponsible behavior in a _child_.


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

Stillfighting: unfortunately my job keeps me away for half my life (merchant marine). Then add the ever growing list of commitments for teenagers (always over scheduled with activities) and im lucky to get a full third of the time. I also feel like that ship has sailed. No matter how much i have them their “home” will always wih her, where they can have their cake and eat it. 
I could be better at explaining why i do things differently though. Im not always the smoothest at things like that (I usually defer to the “lead by example” method), but I know that most kids arent master interpolators... 
Brooklyn: I know kids that age will be having sex, and weve had all the talks and i provide condoms. And rationally I know that whether theyre living together or not wont change that. But I just cant condone it. Theyre not adults, they dont make adult decisions, and its taking too much time and energy at such an important time in their lives. This is the time they should be planing for the future, not working on having a family. (I might be a little over sensitive to this as my past was pretty similar...and look at where I am now?)


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