# In need of some opinions



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Some of you may be familiar with my story but in a nut shell...

My STBXW had an affair that started in 2009 and went to 2011...1 1/2 years. Multiple D days. I got lying, blame shifting and gas lighting...you name it. She never opened up and was honest about her affair...no remorse. She pretty much refused to discuss it...I never got the truth from her but I did get it from her OM's wife. I told her I was divorcing her. She then said she wanted our marriage but did basically nothing for a year to fix it...no heavy lifting. I tried for a year but realized she was not motivated to put in the effort I needed, so I filed for divorce.

Anyway, we are in the settlement phase of our divorce and it should be over shortly. We still live together with our children in the same house and even share the same bed.

My STBXW has scheduled herself for surgery on the day of the settlement conference (court) and is having her attorney postpone the court date. She has been having female issues and her doctor supposedly wants her to have this proceedure asap. Is there a connection to her current medical condition and her past affair? I don't know. I do think she delayed the court date so her surgery will be still covered on my medical insurance. 

Anyway, my question is:

She wants me to take the day off work and be with her at the hospital for her surgery. Should I do this or should I tell her to find someone else to take her? 

Also, she is telling me that she won't be able to do anything physical for at least 3 weeks after the surgery. Am I supposed to take care of her as well?

What would you do?


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Your getting a D and it was supposed to finalize on that day. I think the decision is up to you. I personally wouldn't take her on as my responsibility. I ask myself this question all the time. Why do I feel the need, or urge to help someone and make there life easier when they have no concern for me?

You planned a life with her "till death do us part" and she changed her mind. You don't have to be a victim about it, but why not move on with your life as soon as possible?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

The good person in me would help, and it would make my conscience feel better. But, I also have to think that if it was the other way around would the ex do the same? My answer would be no. So, think about that and maybe it'll give you an answer.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Tell her that you will do everything you can to support your children while she is indisposed. Your kids are young -- under 12, right? They need to have someone to get them to school, feed them, get their homework done. You can also volunteer to bring them to see her in the hospital after her surgery.

You can tell her that because your concern will be caring for the kids, you will NOT be in a position to take care of her. She can try to line up friends, relatives, etc to pick up that end of things.

Who gets the house after the divorce? Are you both staying there until it sells? It seems like you two should have figured out how to be in separate beds by this point in your D.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Couleur said:


> Who gets the house after the divorce? Are you both staying there until it sells? It seems like you two should have figured out how to be in separate beds by this point in your D.


I plan on keeping the house...I will buy her out. I feel that the kids need/deserve at least one familiar surrounding to come home to...even if it is just half the time. I also feel strongly that she was the one to destroy our marriage that she should be the one that moves out of the house. The children will intuitively understand the symbolism. I feel it is important that they learn this.

We have 4 bedrooms and 5 people. I will not move out of our bedroom. I told her that she can have the couch or the basement. She won't go and legally, I can't force her.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

You're keeping the house and your STBX is moving out. If it weren't for this (relatively urgent) surgery, she should have lined up a place to live by now. Why hasn't she? Why can't she go there after her surgery rather than return home?

If she's sticking to her legal rights and being stubborn -- ("nope! I'm not going to even look for a place until you hand me the check for my half of the family home") and its unavoidable that she's coming back to the house -- then I think you ought to get her to bring you the specific information that her doctor is giving her about recovery. For example, after my c-sections I was told I shouldn't climb stairs for 10 days; because I needed pain meds, I also wasn't supposed to drive a car; and I needed to be near a bathroom to cope with unavoidable aftermath of the surgery. If you can get a list like that from your STBX you could say -- "Ok. It says you can't climb stairs, so I'm getting you an inflatabed and putting it in the family room near the bathroom." Similarly, "I see it says you can't drive. I'll agree to do all the kid-related driving, but you need to get a taxi or a friend to drive you to your follow up appointments, etc." In short, it seems like there is a way to balance showing your kids that you are not heartless with also making it clear to your wife that your relationship is now limited to being the parent of your children.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

Couleur said:


> You're keeping the house and your STBX is moving out. If it weren't for this (relatively urgent) surgery, she should have lined up a place to live by now. Why hasn't she? Why can't she go there after her surgery rather than return home?
> 
> If she's sticking to her legal rights and being stubborn -- ("nope! I'm not going to even look for a place until you hand me the check for my half of the family home")


Oh, she is stubborn, lazy and selfish...the worst! On her 4 days off every week she sits on her ass with her computer or cell phone, goes shopping, out to lunch with friends, or does whatever. She is not transparent with her whereabouts so I really don't know what she does. My point is she has plenty of time to look for a house...but she does not. 

She seems to live in a state of denial about the divorce. She could be compartmentalizing it. She doesn't talk about it and acts like there is nothing wrong most of the time. I am finished talking about us or the divorce with her. She is the master blameshifter and makes her cheating and everything else that she has done, my fault. 

She doesn't have any money...she spends every dime she makes on clothes, shoes and stuff for herself. I pay all of the household bills as well as her debts. My lawyer say's I have to continue to do what I've always done until it's over. All of the assets she will rob me of are non-liquid type. Investment, 401K, pension...etc. She would need to cash out of some of these and wait for me to refinance the house so I can buy her out. Then she will have the cash to do whatever she wants. This can't be done with out a QDRO and that comes from the D settlement.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Here is my $.02.

First of all, I would give up trying to get your stbx to tell you about anything with regard to affair. All you do is open yourself up for the pain over and over again. Time to move on.

I agree with Couleur's response. She is expected to be self sufficient and moving to her own place that day. Why is she not ready? If she does end up coming to the house, I would still treat her with respect. She is the kid's mother after all. But I would not go out of the way to help her out either.

I think it is awfully convenient that she wants surgery prior to the final date. If you are the one to foot the bill for this, within HIPAA privacy rules, you should be able to get some information on the "urgent" nature of the medical procedure and why it cannot wait. I am not heartless, but I might consider using this as leverage if there are still unresolved issues that need to me mediated.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

> First of all, I would give up trying to get your stbx to tell you about anything with regard to affair. All you do is open yourself up for the pain over and over again. Time to move on.


I gave up on that along time ago when I filed for divorce. After that it really didn't matter. During R it was important but she refused to disclose anything I didn't already know anyway...so I filed.



> I agree with Couleur's response. She is expected to be self sufficient and moving to her own place that day. Why is she not ready?


She wants the look of being self sufficient without the effort. She wants me to pay for everything ...she has become a parasite. To her "free money" not "earned money" equals independence. She is going to milk me to pay for her existence until the court say's I don't have to anymore.



> I think it is awfully convenient that she wants surgery prior to the final date.


What a coincidence right? Yes, I think she wanted to make sure she was covered by my medical so she delayed the court date. I will only have to pay a small deductible.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Decimated said:


> My STBXW had an affair that started in 2009 and went to 2011...1 1/2 years. Multiple D days.
> 
> I got lying, blame shifting and gas lighting...you name it. She never opened up and was honest about her affair...no remorse. She pretty much refused to discuss it...I never got the truth from her but I did get it from her OM's wife.
> 
> ...


She cheated on you multiple times over a year and a half, lied to you repeatedly and made no effort to fix things. She postpones divorce court for a medical procedure and you're considering taking a day off of work to be there for her? And maybe take care of her for 3 weeks after the surgery?

Seriously?

You are still in complete denial. Your marriage is over, the only connection you have to this lying, non remorseful cheater is that you are parents to the same children. 

Accept it, and stop playing these silly games.

As for sleeping in the same bed throughout all these divorce proceedings, that's just plain WEIRD.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> She cheated on you multiple times over a year and a half, lied to you repeatedly and made no effort to fix things. She postpones divorce court for a medical procedure and you're considering taking a day off of work to be there for her? And maybe take care of her for 3 weeks after the surgery?
> 
> Seriously?
> 
> ...


Thanks but I'm not in denial or playing silly games...I filed for divorce. 

The question was about taking her to the hospital for surgery and what to do with her afterward.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

To be honest (and this sounds a bit cold) I'd tell her to either get a cab or to call one of her OM to take her and pick her up

Beyond taking care of the kids, I'd do nothing else


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Decimated said:


> The question was about taking her to the hospital for surgery and what to do with her afterward.


If it was me, I'd tell her you will not be available the day of her surgery and you won't be able to care for her in the weeks following, without going into any explanations.

Then again maybe I'm mean. Perhaps my divorce would have gone smoother if I continued to care for my now exwife and continued to live with her and sleep with her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Decimated, just in case you haven't decided, No, don't go. Reading your posts, you spoiled and enabled her way too much. How much entitlement does she have to ask you to do that ?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

decimated,
she wants everything. Tell her to call family/friends to care for her. You are not going to be her spouse any longer.
I was not in the same position you are in, but the day my STBXH was to move out, he went upstairs into our bedroom and took a nap. I had enough, went up, woke him and through him out. It took that to make his cheating ass leave. She is using you and its sounds like you think she should. She shouldn't, no one should. Be there for the kids, but not her.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Schedule a medical procedure of your own for the same day. Tell her you'll be getting a penis enlargement.

Come on man. She's a cheating excuse of a wife. Her boyfriend can take care of her.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

TBH, reading your recent posts, I have a feeling that you enabled her way too much in all aspects of the marriage just because you love her. You put her on a pedestal. There seems to be lots of red flags about her behavior that you just missed or ignored, just because she was your wife. Maybe you should re-examine this part of yourself. maybe your own childhood and growing up had a part in this behavior of yours


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Well I am obviously in a minority here but if she literally had no one else I would go. I know she is a lying, cheating cow but why drag yourself down to her level? As for the three weeks perhaps a combination of you doing the minimum needed with perhaps some home help included.
However I would emphasise to her that this is not a move toward her on your part, it is just you doing the right thing by somebody in need.
And no this is not religion or a forgiving christian, I am in fact an atheist. I just believe it is right to help anyone in need if I am able, basic human kindness if you like.

If you wanted an 'upside' to this for you then bear in mind that your STBXW would have her last memories of the remnants of her time married to you of you as a fine honourable man.
I know these WS do not have the same thought processes as 'normal' people but that would have to pick at her conscience.


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