# Does wife's actions kill the mood?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I didn't want to hijack another thread, but there is one about wives that are boring. We often make statements that the desire for sex is different with men and women. So many other things affect a woman's desire. My question for the guys is, when your wife isn't pleasing you in other ways, for example, you think she's boring and never wants to do any activities with you, does that kill your desire for sex?

Let's say she's on her phone all the time or just hangs out on the couch watching tv; you can't get any energy from her at all. So, you leave her on the couch and go to an activity without her. You come home, and she's in lingerie wanting to have sex, and just for the sake of argument, let's say her sexual energy and personality is great. Are you good to go, or does her other low energy lifestyle kill your mood?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It killed mine. Reading a book and not wanting to talk or interact. Keeping busy with other things even though I made attempts to talk or get her attention with hugs and kisses, words of affirmation and so forth, just made me feel like a necessary fixture for when she needed something done she didn't want or couldn't do. When she did sit there looking like she wanted some attention, I felt like she thought I was a tool rather than a man with feelings.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

southbound said:


> I didn't want to hijack another thread, but there is one about wives that are boring. We often make statements that the desire for sex is different with men and women. So many other things affect a woman's desire. My question for the guys is, when your wife isn't pleasing you in other ways, for example, you think she's boring and never wants to do any activities with you, does that kill your desire for sex?
> 
> Let's say she's on her phone all the time or just hangs out on the couch watching tv; you can't get any energy from her at all. So, you leave her on the couch and go to an activity without her. You come home, and she's in lingerie wanting to have sex, and just for the sake of argument, let's say her sexual energy and personality is great. Are you good to go, or does her other low energy lifestyle kill your mood?


I don't think that I would mind as long as her sexual energy and personality are good.

Although I don't have this problem, so maybe I'm not the one to ask...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If she's only interested on her terms and timing, then I'd probably develop some resentment. If she still wants sex frequently, I'd adapt! If not, I might turn her down. And if we really had nothing else in common, I'd probably move on anyway.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The texting drove me crazy. I'd be starting to make out with her or whatever and then ding! "Oh, I just need to..."

And I'd sit and wait for her to type in a full Dostoevsky text response... And try to get it going again.

So I stopped. I'd just turn and walk away. She'd usually get mad at me, to which I'd say "that's just rude. Go text, have fun."

And so she stopped doing that.

Fair warning though: I did a lot of annoying things that I didn't know about when she was initiating that I had to expect the same treatment about.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

southbound said:


> My question for the guys is, when your wife isn't pleasing you in other ways, for example, you think she's boring and never wants to do any activities with you, does that kill your desire for sex?


The only thing that kills my desire is her matter of fact attitude with her lengthy Phd level responses. Or it could be her in sweats all the time.




southbound said:


> Let's say she's on her phone all the time or just hangs out on the couch watching tv; you can't get any energy from her at all. So, you leave her on the couch and go to an activity without her.


This happens all the time, I really hate technology sometimes. I either go bike, run or work in the man-cave.

Her response is that she does it all the time, why should it bother me? I don't know, perhaps it would be nice if you paid me as much attention as that iphone.




southbound said:


> You come home, and she's in lingerie wanting to have sex


This has never happened. Her reasoning, "Why should I wear something that all you do is take off?" It's not for you dear, it's for me.


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## theb4ssplayer (Apr 28, 2016)

southbound said:


> Let's say she's on her phone all the time or just hangs out on the couch watching tv; you can't get any energy from her at all. So, you leave her on the couch and go to an activity without her. You come home, and she's in lingerie wanting to have sex, and just for the sake of argument, let's say her sexual energy and personality is great. Are you good to go, or does her other low energy lifestyle kill your mood?


Great post. 

Flirting, dirty talk, and suggestive actions are not as important during sex as they are through out the day. It sets things up, and keeps you wanting it throughout the day.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

As far as the phone, it would drive me crazy that she would frequently have her face glued to the phone at night. Next morning she would tell me how she couldn't sleep at night. Well, a) b/c you have the phone in your face and b) if you can't sleep start something up with me. A few times I did just grab her phone and throw it off the bed, so she got the hint lol.

Honestly, the only thing that kills my mood is if my W is in a negative mood (i.e. on a given day where most of the things she says to me are venting/complaining (not directed at me), has a short temper with kids, etc...). I understand we all have bad days, especially when raising a young family, just something to me (especially based on my personality) I don't find attractive.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Oh yes, her actions can kill my mood. The phone thing in the OP and what others has said...my god how many hours can one person spend on one...it is not uncommon for my wife to spend 4+ hours a night on hers, and on weekends, especially if we have to drive any where, it fills all that time too. Restaurants...most of the time, she on it there too. Just the other night we went out to dinner, were there for about an hour, and she did later point out to me that she wasn't on her phone at all the whole meal. Which was nice and all, because we did have some good conversation, but of course, the whole way there, and whole way home, and the rest of the night at home...she'll drop conversations right in the middle, claiming she was paying attention, totally oblivious to the fact that I had stopped talking a few minutes earlier.

We have talked about it numerous times. Tried to come up with some sort of compromise...even just one whole, continuous hour where she does not touch it. Works for a day or two, then right back. I have asked her to put the phone down and spend some time with me while I cook dinner for us. Works for a day or two, then right back. She has defensively told me that I should just put parental controls on it, or remove her data plan all together. I told her I wasn't going to do that because she's an adult, and it's up to her to exercise self control. She's thrown out the fact that we moved two hours away from her family and friends a couple of years ago, and this is her only way to keep in touch, and why am I trying to isolate her...except for the fact that we drive those two hours and spend a couple of weekends a month down there with her family, and actually spend more time with them now, than when we lived 20 minutes away.

Yes...I hate her damned phone, and it does kill my desire sexually. We have talked about it, among other things, and I just don;t think she understands or gets it, which in the context of her past sexual interactions, it is at least somewhat understandable. I am the first man she has been with that took more than a naked chick simply being present to want to have sex with her. I need the interaction, the build up, I need her expressed interest in me.

The phone thing, combined with her ability to express how hot she thinks her celebs are, though that has gotten way better, but still without being able to verbally express her physical appreciation of me...just not much of a turn on at all...in fact, it's an active turn off for me. It leaves me frequently feeling as if I am not interesting to her, nor attractive to her. She vehemently denies both of those things, and wants sex on a near daily basis, but it's making it so I don't. We have talked about these things more times than I can count, and it is to the point now, where if she asks me what's wrong, I just don't even bother any more because the outcome is entirely predictable.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

I'll say this, if that exact scenario happened I would be A-Ok with it. I did what I wanted, she did what she wanted and we get to bone at the end. Cool.


However my wife does have actions that kill the mood. My wife does spend a lot of time with her face buried in the phone, and I mean BURIED. Then when she does emerge from her cyber world it's to say something like "OMG you wouldn't believe what Suzie said at work" or "Look at this video of some random kid(that we don't know) playing in a sprinkler, how cute". It becomes apparent that I am invisible at that point so I just move on to do something else. At some point later she might try to re-engage me but at that point I'm usually resentful and not in the mood. Had my wife been doing something productive or intelligible, I wouldn't have these feelings. But some of(most of really) the **** that comes out of her mouth at those times are just trash. It's like she doesn't care who is in the room she's just going to pop her head up, show that person whatever stupid video she is watching and go right back to being buried in the phone. Huge turn off and very aggravating.


Point in case from reading the other posts it's evident the smart phones are damaging marriages.

On the flipside I'm sure the ladies could say their men are ruining the marriage with video games and online gaming.


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## PersonInSpace (May 19, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> She's thrown out the fact that we moved two hours away from her family and friends a couple of years ago, and this is her only way to keep in touch, and why am I trying to isolate her...except for the fact that we drive those two hours and spend a couple of weekends a month down there with her family, and actually spend more time with them now, than when we lived 20 minutes away.



This could be a whole new thread of it's own. "Is your wifes obsession with her family ruining your marriage".

I've had this issue. It's gotten better but it's always lingering.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

i asked this question because it is often said that getting in the mood is a different experience for women than men. It's often said that all the planets have to be in line for women to get in the mood, and that what guys might consider little things, could kill the mood for them.

I wanted to see if it was similar for the guys. When I was married, my x was one that needed the planets in line, but me, not so much.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

southbound said:


> i asked this question because it is often said that getting in the mood is a different experience for women than men. It's often said that all the planets have to be in line for women to get in the mood, and that what guys might consider little things, could kill the mood for them.
> 
> I wanted to see if it was similar for the guys. When I was married, my x was one that needed the planets in line, but me, not so much.


I would say it takes very little for me to get in the mood. There are things that are mood killers but not many. I could have an absolutely $h1tty day and yet I can get in the mood in a heartbeat. My W is definitely not this way. It is probably a combination of gender and personality difference.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

2 questions here. Is there something she does that can shut me down cold? And, Can I pick it back up if she initiates later?

First yes many things. top two on the list are changing the subject in relationship discussions, usually to work, news or trivia. Second is simply going dark when I ask a question. The trouble is it works. Usually 'll get 10 minutes into the side track before I say hey you changed the subject. Or I'll literally wake up and Say "hey you never answered that question". To which she will say "I don't have an answer for that". silent reply (then why didn't you say that a half hour ago so we could move on). I realize that much of this is my fault in that I ask questions that make her uncomfortable. And , I've pretty much banned the I'm uncomfortable with that response. For Pete's sake we're 50, not blushing virgins, cant we talk about sex or feelings?

Anyway I just feel shut down, which I honestly believe is the case, and give up.

Now to the second part of your question. I don't often storm off being upset at something she is doing. If she is busy and wants me out of her hair she will send me off. And I have hobbies that require scheduled absences. Now the only time she will initiate is when I have been away, (no clue why that is), But since it is so rare, I really hate to turn her down. Besides initiation is such a ego boost.

One other thing. Sometimes after a rejection she will touch me in bed. I think it is a reassurance. Often I will ask if she is trying to start something. I know that is one of those uncomfortable questions and she will most times not admit that she is actually interested in sex. Usually I just put up with the meaningless touches, but I have to admit that there have been times I push her hand away.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

They absolutely can and will kill your mood. Having a wife who you see as a nag that busts your chops all the time will certainly cause you to lose interest. This combined with easy access to pornography will definitely cause a man to not want to be with his wife as much.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> I would say it takes very little for me to get in the mood. There are things that are mood killers but not many. I could have an absolutely $h1tty day and yet I can get in the mood in a heartbeat. My W is definitely not this way. It is probably a combination of gender and personality difference.


I was similar to that when i was married, and my wife was not. I guess that's why our drives were difficult for each other to understand. I don't think I'd even consider myself HD.

There was certainly not much unrelated to her that would kill my mood, such as a bad day at work. If anything, having a bad day at work and coming home to having sex would make that day seem not so bad.

I was physically attracted to her, so no minus there. I felt like she could probably have complained, annoyed me, and such stuff as that all day, but then if she changed her mood and was in the mood, I'd be good to go. I guess that's assuming her mood changed to her normal, intimate mood and she wasn't like a lifeless pillow or something.

I know there is a lot with personality that could factor in. I'm sure there are personality types that could turn me off, but hers didn't.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

EllisRedding said:


> I would say it takes very little for me to get in the mood. There are things that are mood killers but not many. I could have an absolutely $h1tty day and yet I can get in the mood in a heartbeat. My W is definitely not this way. It is probably a combination of gender and personality difference.


I was similar to that when i was married, and my wife was not. I guess that's why our drives were difficult for each other to understand. I don't think I'd even consider myself HD.

There was certainly not much unrelated to her that would kill my mood, such as a bad day at work. If anything, having a bad day at work and coming home to having sex would make that day seem not so bad. I rarely recall being too tired or anything of that nature. 

I was physically attracted to her, so no minus there. I felt like she could probably have complained, annoyed me, and such stuff as that all day, but then if she changed her mood and was in the mood, I'd be good to go. I guess that's assuming her mood changed to her normal, intimate mood and she wasn't like a lifeless pillow or something.

I know there is a lot with personality that could factor in. I'm sure there are personality types that could turn me off, but hers didn't.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Go back 10 years and I would be ok with whenever she's in the mood. Not now, she never is and I've gotten used to that. Plus she's always doing something annoying and I've gotten used to that to.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

southbound said:


> I was similar to that when i was married, and my wife was not. I guess that's why our drives were difficult for each other to understand. I don't think I'd even consider myself HD.
> 
> There was certainly not much unrelated to her that would kill my mood, such as a bad day at work. If anything, having a bad day at work and coming home to having sex would make that day seem not so bad.
> 
> ...


I don't consider myself HD, or at least not in the way some other people here consider themselves HD. To me, having sex is the perfect medicine to a bad day, what better way to de-stress then focus your energy on the person you love (I am talking about my W, not you, I don't really know you  ). 

I know for me, probably one of the biggest personality traits I don't mesh well with is someone who constantly complains or is constantly negative. I am a "glass half full" type of person, I prefer to not dwell on the past but instead look ahead. If there is a problem, instead of complaining, let's figure out how to fix it. Being around people who complain or are negative just sucks the life out of me. For the most part this is not my W either, but at times she does get into this complain/negative funk, and for me it is a big mood killer. Then again, when she gets in this funk sex is probably the last thing on her mind, so since anything isn't going to happen anyhow, probably better for my sanity if my libido gets crushed lol.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> Go back 10 years and I would be ok with whenever she's in the mood. Not now, she never is and I've gotten used to that. Plus she's always doing something annoying and I've gotten used to that to.


My wife is pretty much always ready and willing, so no fear of rejection on my part. For me, the two biggest things that make me hungry for sex is the interaction between us, actually being in a relationship, and then her expressing her attraction and desire for me. Those are the two biggies that make me hungry, but much like hunger, if I'm not hungry, I don't really feel like eating. Continuing with the hunger analogy, if I see a great, perfectly prepared juicy steak in front of me, I can look at it and say it looks delicious, but again, if I'm not hungry, I'm not going to want to eat it.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't consider myself HD, or at least not in the way some other people here consider themselves HD. To me, having sex is the perfect medicine to a bad day, what better way to de-stress then focus your energy on the person you love (I am talking about my W, not you, I don't really know you  ).
> *
> I know for me, probably one of the biggest personality traits I don't mesh well with is someone who constantly complains or is constantly negative. I am a "glass half full" type of person, I prefer to not dwell on the past but instead look ahead. If there is a problem, instead of complaining, let's figure out how to fix it. Being around people who complain or are negative just sucks the life out of me. For the most part this is not my W either, but at times she does get into this complain/negative funk, and for me it is a big mood killer. Then again, when she gets in this funk sex is probably the last thing on her mind, so since anything isn't going to happen anyhow, probably better for my sanity if my libido gets crushed lol.*


This is me as well. I can't stand negative all the time people. if I was in a relationship with a woman like that it would slowly errode my attraction for her. Honestly I could never even commit to a woman like that so she would have to change over time. 

I think like most men I could rise to the occasion for sex but the overall connection would start to go and eventually I would loose my attraction to her .


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Mine is always on her phone or computer playing games - these games are more important to her than sex. My mood is often killed by her attitude, immaturity, and overall laziness.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ChargingCharlie said:


> Mine is always on her phone or computer playing games - these games are more important to her than sex. My mood is often killed by her attitude, immaturity, and overall laziness.


For our kids we have put a limit on how much time they get on the PC/iPad. I am thinking about implementing the same limit for my W!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> For our kids we have put a limit on how much time they get on the PC/iPad. I am thinking about implementing the same limit for my W!


That's a great idea - it's interesting how I have the kids outside playing all day and she's on the computer/phone. She's home with the kids and while they're playing in the house she's on her computer/phone. This may explain why she's overweight - her only exercise is getting up to get cookies so that she can snack.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> For our kids we have put a limit on how much time they get on the PC/iPad. I am thinking about implementing the same limit for my W!


When we have had our go rounds about her phone usage, my wife has suggested that I do just that...parental controls and cutting off data all together. I imagine she said that out of spite, defensiveness and anger, and really would not appreciate me doing so, but I do think this is to an addiction level where she does not have the self control to curb it herself.

And that is where the conundrum for me comes in...her lack of self control is not very attractive to me, it actively works against my desire for her. It sends a message to me that her phone means more to her than I do, that her phone is more interesting to her than I am. On the flip side, if I put those controls and blocks on her phone, it would make me feel like her parent and not her spouse, so again, that would curb my desire for her...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> And that is where the conundrum for me comes in...her lack of self control is not very attractive to me, it actively works against my desire for her. It sends a message to me that her phone means more to her than I do, that her phone is more interesting to her than I am. On the flip side, if I put those controls and blocks on her phone, it would make me feel like her parent and not her spouse, so again, that would curb my desire for her...


Agreed with the conundrum. My W is nowhere near as bad with the phone now as she was before (in part b/c I kept throwing her phone off the bed lol) but it clearly cuts in to our alone time (which is severely limited as is). It is hard at times to hear someone make frequent comments about how we never get alone time, etc.... but makes no effort to help fix it (so same line of thought as you posted, the phone is more important/interesting).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> When we have had our go rounds about her phone usage, my wife has suggested that I do just that...parental controls and cutting off data all together. I imagine she said that out of spite, defensiveness and anger, and really would not appreciate me doing so, but I do think this is to an addiction level where she does not have the self control to curb it herself.


Yes, most assuredly for the reasons you stated above... "spite, defensiveness and anger".

Taking action like this would escalate the intensity your argument ten-fold. Behavioral addictions are no different to any others, internally one knows what they are doing is not healthy and you cannot use shame to change ourselves or others, no true growth occurs like that.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What's hard is when one's spouse tells you how social they are but that doesn't seem to transfer to the relationship... seen more wayward spouses from this alone.

The means varies, but technology is by far the foremost path for this. My wife locks herself into the newspaper, reads everything on every page, only difference for me is I do that digitally and choose the same time she spends to do the things I want in the same proximity. When she's done, I'm done, then we connect again.

That said, in all the time I've been married, I have never though my wife boring to kill anything, physical or otherwise. If a mood was killed, it was because at the time she was expressing an aggressively critical thought and being anything but boring.


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## theb4ssplayer (Apr 28, 2016)

IMHO, what's done throughout the day, like flirting, suggestive dialogue, etc. is just as important as what's going on in the moment. Don't get me wrong, I've never turned sex down, ever; but what goes on leading up to it throughout the day does have a major effect on things. That includes negative behavior as well.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> My wife is pretty much always ready and willing, so no fear of rejection on my part. For me, the two biggest things that make me hungry for sex is the interaction between us, actually being in a relationship, and then her expressing her attraction and desire for me. Those are the two biggies that make me hungry, but much like hunger, if I'm not hungry, I don't really feel like eating. Continuing with the hunger analogy, if I see a great, perfectly prepared juicy steak in front of me, I can look at it and say it looks delicious, but again, if I'm not hungry, I'm not going to want to eat it.


I definitely hear ya. I would love to be given the option of being able to turn down an opportunity with an attractive woman simply because I wasn't in the mood. While we were still sexually active and I was actually sexually attracted to her, I was conditioned to act whenever the opportunity was there. If I didn't she would get pissed off and all bets were off for the next month while she continued to be pissed. I hated that, it made be feel like some kind of animal. That's just one of our many problems.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Mood killer for my husband is me asking if we can have sex or if he wants to have sex.

We have 3 kids under 15 so sex sometimes takes planning. If he's laying on the couch, I can't really initiate because the kids could come out at any time if they're not already out there with us. 

He wants it to progress naturally, but with 3 kids around all the time it's almost impossible TO progress naturally. But if I say "wanna go have sex?" He's turned off. 

Last night he was working out in the garage. It was dark. Our street is quiet. I went out and kissed him and hugged him and then started kissing his neck (his weakness). After a few kisses he pulled away. So I felt rejected. He looked at me and said "you wanna go to the bedroom or something?" I said I'd like to. He said "why didn't you just SAY something?" I said, "I'm not allowed to just say something, it turns you off". He said "not this time". 

Infuriating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

LosingHim said:


> Mood killer for my husband is me asking if we can have sex or if he wants to have sex.
> 
> We have 3 kids under 15 so sex sometimes takes planning. If he's laying on the couch, I can't really initiate because the kids could come out at any time if they're not already out there with us.
> 
> ...


That proves that men are different. When I was married, my wife could have asked or planned all she wanted, it was actually a turn-on for me. If she had said something like, "I'm going to be busy for a while, but could we have sex tonight after the kids are in bed?"
My reaction would have been an affirmative, Yes!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Back in the day.. (certainly not today).. I was guilty of 2 things that deterred my husband from coming on to me.. dumb enough to put babies in bed with us (but he never complained !).. and reading books beside him.. sometimes he'd start touching me (when a baby wasn't in between us).. near every time he'd do this.. he'd get me going.. but sometimes he'd just roll over... 

Once we started talking about our sexual past (8 yrs ago)... I remember asking him when my drive was sky high & having trouble containing that.... how in the world he handled not ripping my clothes off more-when he was wanting more sex.... 

He admitted to me.. he HATED MY BOOKS. 

I really really wish he would have caused more of a fuss because I was too wrapped up in what I was doing to realize I was hurting him.. I am so different over him. If I am irritated in any way.. *I voice it !*@# so who knew ! 
All those years.. his drive was higher than mine.. so I didn't "get it".. once that flipped on me.. ... I got it loud & clear.. I've went out of my way to make it up to him.. and never again will I make these stupid mistakes in being there for him...

Was my husband too passive.. YES !!... he's just the sort of guy that NEEDS MY WANT too.. or it's hollow for him... 

Our drives are about the same now.. we're not as naturally "got to have it now" horny as when he was in his prime & me in mine... but we enjoy our intimacy so much.. that both of us WANT TO GO THERE, we want to work it up... some things are just very important..


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

My wife's moods have no effect on my desire for her. I am ready to go anytime.


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## happy2gether (Dec 6, 2015)

I honestly don't know how I would handle it, I've never been put in this situation. Mine is almost always in the mood. I had shoulder surgery recently and had to stop her from giving me oral in the room while waiting on the doc to come back. she was just really horny and the thought popped in her head. I mean she had me full on hard messing with me, and her solution was to slip under the covers. I somehow managed to talk her out of it since the door to the room was just a curtain. but I wish I had let her, just as another thing to check off as having done.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

LosingHim said:


> Mood killer for my husband is me asking if we can have sex or if he wants to have sex.
> 
> We have 3 kids under 15 so sex sometimes takes planning. If he's laying on the couch, I can't really initiate because the kids could come out at any time if they're not already out there with us.
> 
> ...


I laughed at this, because this is me and it's certainly infuriated my wife at times, too!

It's hard to explain, but I've noticed a number of men here that are like this, myself included. I can't stand it when my wife ASKS me about sex. To me, it's a mood killer - most of the time. And that's the rub. If I'm particularly worked up for whatever reason, then asking is okay. If I'm at zero, then it's a turn-off.

I can only answer for myself as to why this is - my wife is not an initiator in the usual/normal way. I don't feel desired or wanted by her, she doesn't have a burning need to have sex, and in general, she doesn't put a whole lot of effort into it (DURING sex it's a different story). She doesn't initiate sex by kissing me, touching or grabbing me, or simply just doing it. There's no "I need you now" kind of vibe.

In a nutshell, it's me who brings the passion and the sexual energy to the table, not her. Unfortunately, this is not how she responds, and vice versa I do not respond to passively being asked. Even when we do have sex, it's non-verbally planned, if that makes sense. We both know that sex is going to happen when it does (ie. it's Saturday night, we don't have to be up early the next morning), so it just happens. And even then, she's extremely passive about it. I still have to "make the first move". I know I have the go-ahead to do this because she'll be in bed with the light on, and not be reading a book.

Basically what the whole thing does is NOT make me feel wanted and desired.

I can think of only a couple of times in my entire life, in which a sexual partner rabidly initiated sex with me, and I liked it very much. Now, I'm neither a dominant nor a submissive personality type, so it has little to do with that, in terms of preference. I have no issue being the dominant sexual partner, it's just that I don't want to be that 100% of the time. I'd be quite happy with an 80/20 split, TBH. Every now and again, I'd like to be taken by surprise, not have it "planned" or not be asked.

My wife, clearly, is not a dominant sexual partner - and that's fine, except for the fact that she can not/will not deviate from that even occasionally. It has to be me, taking her, 100% of the time.

Men are no different than women in the "needing to feel wanted/desired/validated" regard, though some can certainly do the dominance thing quite well. I have no problem being sexually aggressive with my wife the majority of the time. It's just that, every now and again, I also want to be the one who she can't keep her hands off, or otherwise "needs" at that moment. It's tiring always being the dominant one in a sexual relationship.

And that's what it comes down to - male or female, everybody has a different level of passivity and dominance when it comes to sex. Most people would agree a good 50/50 split is ideal. It ensures both partners are sexually validated and feel wanted and desired by the other. Like I said, I'd be quite happy with 80/20 or even 90/10 in my marriage. Perhaps OP's husband feels the same way, and believes that he isn't afforded a 50/50 split of these "duties" (or whatever ratio he'd be content with).

Therefore, when the partner who is not capable (or willing...) to take the lead believes the do (ie. by asking, or like my wife, simply lying in bed waiting) they're confused as to why this doesn't really = initiating to some of us. They're still saying "take me".

Dong the above mentioned things does not exactly equate a burning desire for one's partner. What it does say, non-verbally, is "I'm okay with having sex with you" and does not exactly scream effort or interest. Basically, it's lazy initiating. To the partner who does not initiate often or at all, they count that as some sort of effort, and they tend to be insulted when it's turned down or otherwise addressed.

There are not a lot of women out there who would feel particularly desired if their husband's idea of initiating sex with them was to say "Hey, wanna have sex?" each and every time. In fact, they'd begin to feel like an object very quickly. We men already know that this type of interaction doesn't fly with women. So why don't women recognize the same is true of most men?

Most women do not react positively to us guys reaching a hand down your pants, or up your shirt as a way of initiating sex. You'd probably much rather be touched lovingly, kissed, etc. before getting grabby. We men, on the other hand, will react VERY positively to this kind of initiation! Yet so many women are reluctant to do this sort of thing, I'm afraid.

The general rule of thumb for men is "just do it". Don't talk about it, don't ask, don't insinuate - just do.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

We used to cook every meal together. Now she's on her phone while I cook. If i dare mention phone time and that I miss cooking together I am told, "I'm lazy. Got it. I'll cook every meal from now on."


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> It's hard to explain, but I've noticed a number of men here that are like this, myself included. I can't stand it when my wife ASKS me about sex. To me, it's a mood killer - most of the time. And that's the rub. If I'm particularly worked up for whatever reason, then asking is okay. If I'm at zero, then it's a turn-off.


Yep, that's me, too.

Or was.

I think for me, it was a matter of never having a one night stand, so I am not able to just talk about whatever for a half hour or hour and be ready to go. I like to touch and be touched lovingly and hugged and kissed. It sends a signal to me that there is a possibility "this" might happen. 

Setting a time seems too robotic and impersonal. I guess that shows I don't separate sex and emotions very well?


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

Uh. What are you complaining about! There's men and women on this board that haven't had sex with their spouse in years. Be happy that she's still into it. There's an old saying.., "there's only room for one woman in a relationship". Don't be a girl about it. Sorry if that's harsh.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

alexm said:


> I can think of only a couple of times in my entire life, in which a sexual partner *rabidly *initiated sex with me, and I liked it very much.


Aside from the need for the vaccine, I can definitely see that! >


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> Mood killer for my husband is me asking if we can have sex or if he wants to have sex.
> 
> We have 3 kids under 15 so sex sometimes takes planning. If he's laying on the couch, I can't really initiate because the kids could come out at any time if they're not already out there with us.
> 
> ...


He's a flake. We've been telling you this for months. Flakes don't change.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> We used to cook every meal together. Now she's on her phone while I cook. If i dare mention phone time and that I miss cooking together I am told, "I'm lazy. Got it. I'll cook every meal from now on."


Grab her phone and throw it in the stew.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm not married anymore, but the one thing I cannot stand is a woman who is lazy about trying to look nice. If I am putting more effort into my appearance than she is, she won't get a second date with me. And I think this extends to married life. Ladies, if you insist on wearing wife-beater shirts and sweat pants with no makeup on and copping an "oh I'm so fvcking tired" attitude, don't expect your hubby to want to sweep you up into the bedroom and ravish you. If you don't give a fvck, we won't give a fvck.

One thing positive I have to say about my exWW is that she always tried to make herself look good for me, and not just for special occasions. Sometimes I would come home and she would be dressed in a certain sundress or sexy outfit that I really liked seeing her in. This would prompt me to want to take her out and wine her and dine her. And then bring her back home for some passionate lovin'. I appreciated that she would do that and, as much as I could, I tried to make her feel appreciated. Not that it stopped her from cheating on me, but it is a nice memory.


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