# i feel guilty but..



## _mary

I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.

I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)

My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.

I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.

I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army. 

So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?

We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.


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## Wingsoflove

You have to tell your husband! and stop all contact with the OM. If you want to stay with your husband you need to come clean. He has given everything to you and you are throwing it away. I'm the cheater in my situation, my husband is also military. I know what its like.


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## PBear

This has a strong likelihood of blowing up in your face. Just so you know. The ways to resist temptation...

1. Find some new hobbies instead of doing your friend's ex.
2. Find some new friends. This may go hand in hand with 1.
3. Confess to your husband.
4. Invest yourself fully into reconciling. Figure out what's broken in your marriage and fix it, and help your husband heal from the damage you've done.

Just curious, but do you have a job? How long has this been going on?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _mary

I know it's completely me. He hasn't done anything wrong. As much as it might seem like I'm putting the blame on him by saying he isn't giving me attention, cause that just makes me sound like a selfish biotch. 

But I really really feel if I do come clean. He will make me leave. Maybe not leave me forever, but for a couple days. And the only place I have to go is back to that house.

Am I also wrong to be more afraid of my family finding out?

Sorry if my questions are like whoa. But I really want a judgement free answer. Like if I asked my gal friend she would just tell me what I would want to hear.

EDIT:: 
I don't have a job. I did, but I had to quit when we moved out here for his job. I was looking for a job but he told me he didn't want me to work. We are trying to have a baby and I have been going to the doctors and on birth control now so I can go back and get fertility medicine but I am actually really considering stopping because of this. Like all my life I wanted to be a mom. I know I will make an awesome mom. But how can I make a baby with my husband when I can't even stay faithful.
-Probably for a little over a month now.


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## PBear

It seems like you're avoiding telling him because you're embarrassed, and it may inconvenience you. Not really good reasons, in my opinion. And yes, you should be worried about your family finding out. It will be humiliating, and they will be disappointed in you.

However... If this comes out because you take ownership of your actions and what you've done, it should be much less painful. If this blows up and goes public, that's most likely your worst case scenario. And the longer it goes on, the worse it will be.

And as an FYI, I'm the one that cheated in my marriage. So no judging here. 


C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Please don't have a kid until all this is worked out and behind you. And you'd do much better to get a job to keep yourself out of trouble. Idle hands, and all that...

Edit: and you've screwed this guy 6 times in a month? Where does your husband think you are? Or is he out of town still?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Geoffrey Marsh

_mary said:


> I was googled "I cheated on my husband' to find someone to talk to because I don't have anyone to talk to and I found this board. I was hoping maybe I could find advice/help or maybe someone like me.
> 
> I haven't been married long. (2 years in November) And we are both young. (Both 21) I love him with everything I have. I don't want anything to happen between us and so on and so on. We've been through everything together. He is my support system, and we've gone through a miscarriage together..(about 2 years ago)
> 
> My dad got sick and he lives on the other side of the country so I flew out there for like 3 weeks to help him. Before I got back, my husband had to leave for 4 weeks for the army. So we haven't seen each other for a while.
> 
> I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.
> 
> I know this sounds soooo selfish but my husband works all the time and I just get bored and I just wish we had more time together. Like we won't need the money but then he volunteers to work on his days off. Then like he'll get a day off then he has to go to drill for the army.
> 
> So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?
> 
> We also moved away from all our family and friends. So I've tried to be like, I'm just not going over there anymore. But I am in this town by myself and she is seriously my only friend..and with her comes him. And with him is temptation that I can't resist.



The above is the excuse list you have formulated. Husband gone all the time, only friend is this person or that person, left family behind, no time with husband, feeling guilty "but"....

Drop all excuses and shoot it straight with your husband.


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## Gabriel

Did you use protection? This guy is already one baby's daddy. If you aren't using protection, he'll be your baby's daddy too. 

You are putting your husband at risk by having sex with someone else. If for any other reason, you should come clean because of this.

So you married at 19 then? Way too young, Honey. If I am you, I let my husband know and then start over. You are so young. Tons of time to make some mistakes and then get married instead of the other way around.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

_mary said:


> But I really want a judgement free answer.


You wont get one.

You will get a flat faced, straight up truth. A truth you need to face....

**mumble to self** Ugggggggggg. Don't do it Pit, just dont waste your breath. She wont listen. She just wants a way around paying the price for her actions, not help ***Sign out now Pit*** Just walk away***

Good luck! Please don't have children. Thanks!


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## Lavender

whether you tell him or not, you have to stay away from that friend & him! find other friends, do whatever you need to to not be in that situation again. Honestly if you cant stop having sex & its to much temptation for you, you need to let your husband go, its not fair to either of you  good luck!


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## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> I was at a girl friend's house just sleeping the night because I just didn't want to be home alone. Her baby's father was staying there and things just happened and we had sex. (My girl friend knew). After that I felt extreamly guilty and I really hated myself and I went back and forth if I should tell him. My husband got back and I decided I should keep it a secret and I told my girl friend how I felt and she understood but didn't at the same time.
> 
> So I was back at my friends house, and we had sex again. and again. Now we had sex 6 times and now it's kind of behind my friends back. And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?


Oy. This is dirty. I am not going to sugarcoat my response to you just to make you feel better (the truth hurts).

Youneed to stop doing this. Not only are you cheating on your husband, you are cheating with your girlfriend's baby daddy/boyfriend. * In her own home!* That is the ultimate worst situation ever. So incredibly dirty. It's wrong every way you slice it.

Until YOU change something, nothing is going to change.

I'm curious as to how the girlfriend let you back in her house after she knew her guy had sex with you there? Or are you meeting up with him behind her back?

Youa re right to be worried about what will happen when yur family finds out. Also, you mentioned feeling worried about this cause you think your husband will make you leave the home. Well, tough luck, dear. You play the game, you have to pay. This was a choice that YOU made and continue to make.

In your case, I would definitely recommend telling your husband. Because the friend knows and she is very liable to tell him herself... "Your wife has been sleeping with my boyfriend." The truth always reveals itself. 

Get tested for STDs and stop being such a crappy friend to your girlfriend and stop sleeping with this other guy and betraying your husband. Choices. 

You got married way too young. I don't think you are ready for marriage at all and never were. Stay single for a long long time. Because if you continue down this path, you will destroy every single relationship you ever have in your life.


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## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> But I really really feel if I do come clean. He will make me leave. Maybe not leave me forever, but for a couple days. And the only place I have to go is back to that house..


And what makes you so sure you are going to be allowed over to that house after you slept and continue to sleep with her boyfriend??? 

You reap what you sow, my dear. So while it's inconvenient to you, you need to start being an adult and own your behavior. Every action has a consequence.



_mary said:


> Sorry if my questions are like whoa. But I really want a I don't have a job. I did, but I had to quit when we moved out here for his job. I was looking for a job but he told me he didn't want me to work. We are trying to have a baby and I have been going to the doctors and on birth control now so I can go back and get fertility medicine but I am actually really considering stopping because of this. Like all my life I wanted to be a mom. *I know I will make an awesome mom*.




DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT get pregnant. 

Get a job and get yourself right in the head...


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## Soccerfan73

Your husband does deserve to know what is going on. It'll hurt like hell, but at least he'll have a choice about what his future will be like. As opposed to now when he is just being made a fool out of behind his back.


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## _mary

I do want to tell my husband. I hate always thinking about it, and I'm always trying to think of ways to tell him. And I do feel guilty. I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.

He knows I'm at my friend's house. I will stay there overnight even though I know I shouldn't. Like since he has gotten back, we haven't been the same. Not because of the cheating because I don't think he has the slightest idea. We don't really argue, we just completely ignore each other. When he was out of town, I only done it once, I've done it again five more times since he has been back.

Pit: TBH you are 100 percent right. I know I'm wrong. I joined this board and posted this topic because I wanted to people to be like, oh I'm doing the same thing, we should really stop. I have two thought processes..
1. I love my husband, he is my life. How could I do this? I want him to be the father of my babies. I want him to be my forever. 
2. I like the attention that the OM is giving me.

Okay. I'm going to tell you the full story about the girl friend situation.

I was at her house and she lives with her young daughter and her ex boyfriend (not the baby daddy). The baby daddy/OM just stays there from time to time. We were all in the living room just chatting up and we started talking about how it would be if me and her messed around. Don't really know how it started after that, but it did..then it turned into a threesome between us. I know it's hard to say it just happened but it really just did.

The second time happened because I felt lonely, but husband was back but wasn't interested in having sex cause he was always tired from working, etc. I went over there, and had sex with him again while this time my friend watched. She pretty much said she didn't care as long as she was there or knew about it. But I know for a fact if she knew I did it without her knowing she would be beyond pissed. But if she went somewhere and me and the OM would still be there, we would just mess around. 

I agree I should wait to get pregnant until I am out with my husband and confident nothing is going to happen again. But I don't know if you all are saying I should never have kids, or I wouldn't make a good mom. Because I think just because of this wouldn't make me a terrible mother. I have always wanted to be a mother since I was a teenager, at least I knew I had to wait then.


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## sam83

_mary said:


> I do want to tell my husband. I hate always thinking about it, and I'm always trying to think of ways to tell him. And I do feel guilty. I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.
> 
> He knows I'm at my friend's house. I will stay there overnight even though I know I shouldn't. Like since he has gotten back, we haven't been the same. Not because of the cheating because I don't think he has the slightest idea. We don't really argue, we just completely ignore each other. When he was out of town, I only done it once, I've done it again five more times since he has been back.
> 
> Pit: TBH you are 100 percent right. I know I'm wrong. I joined this board and posted this topic because I wanted to people to be like, oh I'm doing the same thing, we should really stop. I have two thought processes..
> 1. I love my husband, he is my life. How could I do this? I want him to be the father of my babies. I want him to be my forever.
> 2. I like the attention that the OM is giving me.
> 
> Okay. I'm going to tell you the full story about the girl friend situation.
> 
> I was at her house and she lives with her young daughter and her ex boyfriend (not the baby daddy). The baby daddy/OM just stays there from time to time. We were all in the living room just chatting up and we started talking about how it would be if me and her messed around. Don't really know how it started after that, but it did..then it turned into a threesome between us. I know it's hard to say it just happened but it really just did.
> 
> The second time happened because I felt lonely, but husband was back but wasn't interested in having sex cause he was always tired from working, etc. I went over there, and had sex with him again while this time my friend watched. She pretty much said she didn't care as long as she was there or knew about it. But I know for a fact if she knew I did it without her knowing she would be beyond pissed. But if she went somewhere and me and the OM would still be there, we would just mess around.
> 
> I agree I should wait to get pregnant until I am out with my husband and confident nothing is going to happen again. But I don't know if you all are saying I should never have kids, or I wouldn't make a good mom. Because I think just because of this wouldn't make me a terrible mother. I have always wanted to be a mother since I was a teenager, at least I knew I had to wait then.


why r u writing here what r u waiting to hear from us oh damn it u did it with OM 6 times % with ur husband in town and 1 time ur OM kid mother watching I can't believe how crazy some people can be 

your husband doesn't deserve this if u don't want to tell him then leave him and let me tell u honestly u r really not a good at all as u see u still think of yourself as one


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## Soccerfan73

Oh, I'm sure there is a chance you'll be a good mother. But not with all of this drama you are adding to your life. 

Dating another guy is never great for a marriage.


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## crossbar

So, you slept with the guy and you felt incredibly guilty and ashamed....but, you've slept with him 6 more times......making sure you REALLY felt guilty? 

Well, I can only assume that you didn't use protection. Therefore, you should tell your husband. He's going to find out one way or another. What happens when you and your friend have a falling out, or she discovers that you've been screwing the guy she has a child with over and over......

You know the saying, Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned? She might drop dime on you. Then what? If your husband finds out through other channels other than you! Man, watch out!


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## loveiswhereiamnot

Judgment free response - your actions indicate you aren't ready to be married or have children. There's nothing wrong with that. You can love children and know you want to have them. You can love your husband and want to be with him. If you can't stay faithful to your husband, he will eventually find out, and you'll wind up with a broken marriage. If you add kids into that and no job, that will be worse.

Maybe counseling to help you understand what you're getting out of sex with OM could be a good first step.


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## southern wife

loveiswhereiamnot said:


> Judgment free response - your actions indicate you aren't ready to be married or have children. There's nothing wrong with that. You can love children and know you want to have them. You can love your husband and want to be with him. If you can't stay faithful to your husband, he will eventually find out, and you'll wind up with a broken marriage. If you add kids into that and no job, that will be worse.
> 
> Maybe counseling to help you understand what you're getting out of sex with OM could be a good first step.


She could get pregnant with OM!! What a saga this is.


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## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> I do want to tell my husband. I hate always thinking about it, and I'm always trying to think of ways to tell him. And I do feel guilty. I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.
> 
> *He knows I'm at my friend's house. I will stay there overnight even though I know I shouldn't. Like since he has gotten back, we haven't been the same. Not because of the cheating because I don't think he has the slightest idea*. We don't really argue, we just completely ignore each other. *When he was out of town, I only done it once, I've done it again five more times since he has been back.*
> 
> The baby daddy/OM just stays there from time to time. We were all in the living room just chatting up and we started talking about how it would be if me and her messed around. Don't really know how it started after that, but it did..then it turned into a threesome between us. I know it's hard to say it just happened but it really just did.
> 
> The second time happened because I felt lonely, but husband was back but wasn't interested in having sex cause he was always tired from working, etc. *I went over there, and had sex with him again while this time my friend watched. She pretty much said she didn't care as long as she was there or knew about it. But I know for a fact if she knew I did it without her knowing she would be beyond pissed. But if she went somewhere and me and the OM would still be there, we would just mess around. *


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

Oh my. Tell your husband. Today. Seriously. You must. This is so wrong on so many levels. At least respect him enough to let him know what is going on behind his back, under his nose, and at the friend's house. 

You SAY the cheating has nothing to do with your marriage's lull but that is BS. It has everything to do with it. The more you sleep wtih OM, the more disconnected you will become from your marriage. That is a fact.

Being a mother shoudn't even be on your radar right now. You need to get some help for youself to find out why you're ok with doing this to so many people. bringing a child into this situation is beyond selfish.


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## _mary

What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.

As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.


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## sigma1299

Everyone is saying don't have a child until your relationships are stable - and let me add a voice to that chorus.

So - don't take this the wrong way - but what kind of people are you hanging out with? It seems like you all have a lot of growing up to do - at least in terms of what committed, adult, relationships are supposed to be about. You had sex with another man because your H was in town and didn't feel like having sex with you - really?? Is there no self restraint in you?? 

You've already had an affair, you know that, it's too late to take it back. So what you do now is what defines you. I was the cheater, wings of love was the cheater, and there's at least one if not more additional posters that were also. We're not judging you we're just telling you like it is. "Feeling guilty for not feeling guilty enough" is irrelevant. You should feel guilty but it's not the most important thing you should be feeling. You should be feeling remorseful; feeling like you want to end your affair, refocus on your marriage, and do anything and everything possible to save your marriage and rebuild your husband because you recognize what you have done and what you may lose. Remorse is different than guilt. 

If you want to save your marriage then you have very little choice but to tell your husband. Too many other people know and sooner or later someone is going to tell him. Bad news is not like wine, it does not get better with age so the sooner you tell him the better. I have no idea if the two you will manage to reconcile or not, it's very hard work. But, I do know that if he finds out from someone else the odds of your marriage surviving go way down.

If you do tell him, do this. Tell him the whole truth the very first time. All of it. No matter how much it hurts him or embarrasses you. If you are truly remorseful you will recognize that the only thing that hurts worse than being betrayed is being lied to about it. If you tell him only a part of the truth or a watered down version of the truth you will still be lying to him. Go find wings of love's post and read her story.


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## Jellybeans

Your thread title says "I feel guilty BUT..."

But then there is nothing after that BUT.

Very telling. 

Re: the job... get one. Because it's very likely when your husband finds out, you will be on your own. Never rely on anyone financially. Cause you never know what life is going to throw at you.

DO get tested for STDs. BC only protects against pregnancy and even then it's not 100%. It does NOT protect against STDs. You said you've had sex with this guy several times without protection (and the girlfriend). 

Do check yourself. Do not sleep with your husband until you have the results back as an all-clear. If you are not "all clear" you need to tell husband, the girlfriend, and the OM. 

As for telling hubby. Do it fast. Rip it off like a bandaid:

"Hubby, I have to tell you something. I slept with OM's Name. I am not proud of this and feel very guilty but I feel you deserve to know the truth." 

See. Fast. Do not DENY anything when he starts asking questions and get it all out in the open. If you lie after the fact about anything, it will be 100x worse. If he finds out from someone other than you, it will be 1000x worse. Promise.


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## sigma1299

jellybeans said:


> you say the cheating has nothing to do with your marriage's lull but that is bs. It has everything to do with it. The more you sleep wtih om, the more disconnected you will become from your marriage. That is a fact.


*quoted for truth^^^^^*


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## PBear

_mary said:


> What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.
> 
> As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.


I'm not telling you not to have kids because I think you'll be a bad mother, but because it's unfair to everyone to bring kids into a marriage that's on the brink of ending. First of all, having kids rarely reduces the stress in a marriage. And secondly, when the marriage does break up, you now are tied together for the next 18 years regardless of how much you end up hating each other. 

As far as the job thing goes... I'm thinking you have too much time on your hands, and not enough to occupy yourself. The "Idle hands..." comment is reference to the quote "Idle hands are the Devil's tools". I realize that your husband prefers you not to be working, but he'd probably prefer you to be working rather than screwing your friend's "baby father".

And to be honest, when your marriage breaks up, you'll likely have to find a job pretty quick anyway. So you might as well get a jump start on it.

If you're "cheating" on your friend now as well as your husband, and she knows that you're cheating on your husband, your risk just went WAY up.

C


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## CH

_mary said:


> As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.


Do you know what STDs are? Do you know what Aids is? Are you 100% sure the OM is clean? If he's sleeping with you a married woman what makes you think he's not sleeping with others.

He never came inside of you but diseases doesn't need him to cum for you to get them. Very selfish of you IMO, and please don't have kids YOU ARE NOT READY AT ALL.

Like someone says maybe one day you will be a great mom, but you will not be one right now. Or maybe your husband and the OM are just sperm donors for you since all you really care about is wanting to have children.

That seems to be your major focus in life, I want to have kids and be a mom. Not I want my husband and I to have kids and be a great family. You're probably gonna get mad because you're still too young and immature but you're still a kid who has no idea what she really wants aside from the fact that you want to have kids no matter what.

So being a great mom is showing your kid that you can have sex with another man that is not your husband? Being a great mom is sleeping over at other peoples houses and not coming back home at all until the next day? Being a great mom is saying you love someone but don't really feel guilty that you cheated on them. If that's the case then you're mom of the year material.

Sorry to be harsh but being a cheater myself I give little to no slack to cheaters at all who show no remorse for what they do. I came to this site to see how much I have hurt my wife, to try and see the pain I have caused her and how much she had to put up with.

Maybe you should think about why you're really here.


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## PBear

And +1 with what JB said about getting tested... It sounds like you're having sex with a number of young people with loose morals. And in effect, you're then having sex with all the people they're having sex with. Your odds of catching something are NOT insignificant. And just imagine if your conversation with your husband has to start with something like "Honey, you need to go in for an STD test...". If you were concerned about telling him that you're having an affair, wait till you have to tell him that he's got some sort of disease because of it.

C


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## Grayson

Sooooo much I want to say, but will wait til the jumble of responses in my head crystalizes.

Except....



_mary said:


> What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.


As Jellybeans said, you may have no choice but to get a job once you come clean to your husband. You may be supporting yourself as a single.

Also, it gives you something with which to occupy your mind and time, rather than having 24/7 to bellyache about how "bored" you are, so you decide to hop back in the sack with OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> I realize that your husband prefers you not to be working, but he'd probably prefer you to be working rather than screwing your friend's "baby father".
> 
> If you're "cheating" on your friend now as well as your husband, and she knows that you're cheating on your husband, *your risk just went WAY up*.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## morituri

Mary, you must stop going over to your 'friend's home and get yourself tested for STDs NOW!. You have no idea if the OM (other man or ex-boyfriend of your friend) has contracted an STD from another person. If he has, he might have already infected you without you even knowing it. Your husband may discover your betrayal if he gets infected after having sex with you.


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## Jellybeans

^ Thank goodness you changed your avatar, Mori. The ball of fire/head/face thing was scary.


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> ^ Thank goodness you changed your avatar, Mori. The ball of fire/head/face thing was scary.


minor thread jack
------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry Jelly my avi scared the willies out of you. I was in a wicked evil kind of mood. I hope the new avi doesn't make you air sick - if it does, let me know.

----------------------------------------------------------

end of thread jack.


Mary,

*Follow Jelly's advice. This lady knows her stuff.*


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## Forsaken

The way things keep going I think you are going to become a mother, and your husband will have a huge surprise... Keep messing around with someone else and your chances of becoming pregnant are doubled.

If you really cared, you wouldn't have done any of this. You don't care, don't lie. Tell your H the truth and let him decide what he wants. If he does decide to stay with you, I bet you won't see this guy anymore.

If you care about your M stop hanging out with your friend and her X, she apparently isn't a very good friend and she cares about your relationship with your H about as much as you do.

Stop lying to your H, stop lying to yourself, just stop lying!

I'm sorry this just hits home because I am in the military and I'm so sick of hearing and dealing with sh!t like this. This is not acceptable, you do not support your H while he does nothing but support you. You are selfish! Marriage is about give and take, not take and take some more.

You don't want your family to know?! Well that sucks because they have the right to know what the h3ll you have been doing. You apparently can't stop yourself from doing this shaddy behavior, so let everyone know, they will put a stop to it I bet.

Grow up! If you want to ruin your own life have at it, but stop ruining your H's for your own selfishness, own up to your actions and pay the price. You're an adult, you knew the consequences and yet you still did it mutiple times. Now it's time to own up to your actions and face the consequences. If you want to have a future with your H, you had better tell him, I promise you it's a lot worse if he finds out on his own.

You had better hope your husband loves you A LOT more than you love him. Tell him everything and ask to go to MC, and I guess all you can do is pray that he will want to stay with you.


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Sorry Jelly my avi scared the willies out of you. I was in a wicked evil kind of mood. I hope the new avi doesn't make you air sick - if it does, let me know.


I quite like the new avatar. 

OP--if you feel so guilty/bad, why do you continue to go over to the OM and OW's house???


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## _mary

I just told him. I am insane right now. Like I don't know why I am not crying cause my emotions are going insane.

He came home from work. I pretty much told him right off the bat, he walked away to the bedroom and he asked how many times. I told him, and he just took off. I think he is going to their house. I don't know.

Thanks for the responses. I really do appreciate it. I love him and that's why I told him, cause right now it is about him, not me. Thanks for making me realize that so quick.


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## morituri

You did the right thing. Now please go get tested for STDs.


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## MrQuatto

_mary said:


> What does me getting a job have anything to do with this? We aren't financially unstable. The bills get paid plus some. I was going to get a job, and my husband is the one that doesn't want me to work.
> 
> As far as me getting pregnant with the OM, I'm on the birth control. I admit, no protection but he never, well did his thing inside me.


Mary, really the financial situation is not the root here. Having something to do OTHER than the friend is. 

You are afraid to tell your husband but in the end he will figure it out. Take a few hours to read the other threads on this forum, almost every one deals with someone finding out about an affair and there are THOUSANDS of threads here. 

If your worried he would throw you out, that is the risk you took when you make the decision to cheat, and YOU did MAKE that decision. It can be spun a dozen ways but you knew it was wrong, they knew it was wrong and now your even hiding it from the friend. This will end badly if it is not ended by you, disclosed by you and repaired by you. 

Plain, simple and as unbiased as I can be in this situation. 

Q~


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## crossbar

first off....good for you for telling him, he had a right to know.

second...call friend and tell her to get out of the house!! She and her child doesn't need to be there. and if the d-bag is there, have her tell him it would be in his best interest for him not to be there either.

This will force him to home home and deal with you, and hopefully you can reason with him.

DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES! It happened, you're sorry, you don't know why you did it, but you'll do anything to try and make it better. ANYTHING else, and you're just putting the blame on him. Be honest and open. If he asks you a question answer with the truth. Keep us posted.

By the way, you're in shock and the true weight of what you did hasn't hit home yet. That's why you're not crying. Chances are you are pretty numb to everything.


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## the guy

You want to tell your H so thast good.

Own this sh~t and do not say one word about this being his fault. 

You better me straight up and tell him you were weak and like the attention and the it was just sex.

No matter how much you don't want to hut him answer everyone of his question with honest.

So he will want to why,,again don't blame him tell him and don't tell him it just happened, or you don't know. Be honest.

He will want to no who, tell him 

He will want to know were, "thank god you never used the marital bed....right?

The point to all this is to get the monkey off your back and let him know exactly what he's dealing with. Everything need to be out on the table or this will continue to eat at you so no matter how pain full if he want details tell him. 

All of this honest information needs to be on the table so the both of you can learn from and prevent it from happening again. The more open you are the more you will learn about who you realy are. I guess what I'm saying is being honest with your self is a healthy step in healing. A direction you need to start heading in .....a mother that a child can be proud when the time comes. 

I hope that you will learn something from this by being a women that has learned from the consequences of this bad behavior, in order to learn you must take the healthy, yes painful step in find out what you are made of as you grow.

Hoping later in life you look back at this and see the long term empty feel you had for a short simple pleasure that only lasted a night.


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## sigma1299

_mary said:


> I just told him. I am insane right now. Like I don't know why I am not crying cause my emotions are going insane.
> 
> He came home from work. I pretty much told him right off the bat, he walked away to the bedroom and he asked how many times. I told him, and he just took off. I think he is going to their house. I don't know.
> 
> Thanks for the responses. I really do appreciate it. I love him and that's why I told him, cause right now it is about him, not me. Thanks for making me realize that so quick.


Just breath deep, you did the right thing. Commit to full no contact with the OM and pretty much everyone who stays at that house - they are all enemies of your marriage. Give him complete transparency into your life. Give him all your passwords, access to your phone. Since he's gone for long stretches get a GPS tracker put in your car that he can check online. Whatever he needs to begin to restore his peace of mind and trust in you. Answer all of his questions honestly, willingly and gladly - no matter how many times you've answered the same question before. DO NOT LIE TO HIM AGAIN, if he catches you in any lie it will set him back hugely. Don't even lie to him about if you forgot to mail a bill - nothing - ever again. Be patient. His world just got stood on end. It will take him a while to process it. Take full ownership of what you've done, don't defect blame anywhere but on you - you did it - own it. If he wants you to tell your family, stand up and do it. Your committed now, so stand up and take all the consequences. The more you embrace the prices you have to pay ultimately the less they will be. 

Good Luck. I've been there - hang in there.


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## Jellybeans

the guy said:


> Own this sh~t and do not say one word about this being his fault.
> 
> You better me straight up and tell him you were weak and like the attention and the it was just sex.
> 
> No matter how much you don't want to hut him answer everyone of his question with honest.


:iagree:

Answer and all questions he has.

DO NOT LIE TO HIM ABOUT ANYTHING. Own what you did 100%. Be ready because things are going to get crazy. But you did the right thing by telling him so I commend you for it.

Delete all of their phone #s, emails and Facebooks from your contacts. Block them completely. Do this before he gets back so you can tell himyou have already taken that initiative.

What did you say to him???


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## HurtinginTN

Assuming he comes back home and is not in prison already, tell him harming that POS won't do any good. He'll just end up in jail. Well, on second thought, that probably would just sound like you are trying to protect the POS (piece of sh__). Anyway, I hope his head cools before he finds that man.


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## bryanp

Open your eyes. You are having unprotected sex with another man behind your husband's back. You are putting your husband at risk for STD's. Your husband has a right to know to protect himself at the very least. This is not just all about you. You are being unbelievably cruel and disrespectful and humiliating to your husband.

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you have been doing to him? You are treating him like a fool. Does he really deserve this. Do the one honest thing and tell him the truth so he can decide what he wishes to do as well. I think the reason you do not tell him is because you do not wish to suffer any consequences. In addition, if you told him this cheating behavior would be over. By not telling him you could start up again anytime when you get bored. Your husband made a commitment to you and married you and this is the way you repay his love and commitment to him? Be honest and tell him the truth. It is the very least he deserves from you.


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## bryanp

Hello Mary,

I just saw your post that you told him after my first response. You did very well. I know that this is a painful and crazy time for you and your husband but you both can overcome this. You will now have a marriage based on honesty and respect and not one based on lies and deceit. You will become a better person because you told the truth. Good luck to you and your husband.


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## Shaggy

Mary if he comes home and isn't in jail for killing someone cause that is where I would be in this case. You must never ever blame him or even suggest this happened because of anything he did. 

You did it completely on your own. 

You made the choice to betray him over and over 

And I don't fir one minute buy that you are feeling guilty or bad. 

I'm pro marriage but honestly your a person who can't be trusted with another person love or heart. Your selfish and hurtful 

If you husband was on this board my advice would be to get the best lawyer be can and to put you on the street and never ever to speak with you again. 

Why am I so harsh? Because you are an adult and you have over and over knowinginh chosen to cheat on your good husband and each choice showed just how little you care for anyone but yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

mary by telling him you finally seem to have taken a step in the right direction. Now he knows he can make the informed decision for his own life that he is entitled to. If he chooses to end it or if he wants to work on it, both are his decision right now, you must respect either one. If he wants to reconcile the marriage, you have to decide if that is what you want and commit everything to it. You will have to bust your butt earning his trust back, but if he gives you the chance then know that he still has hope to make it work, so feed off that. Do like others are suggesting, no contact with these people you've had extra-marital sex with (the OM AND your GF) get a job to keep you occupied and contribute to the finances, if you want to be a mom someday having the extra money saved will be a huge benefit. If he doesn't want to reconcile, then that is perfectly respectable too, if you love him then you will respect his decision as much as it may hurt to lose him. Either way, since you have told him this truth you now have the opportunity to improve your relationship.


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## bryanp

Just checking on how things turned out. Are you O.K.?


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## calif_hope

Mary, you have a great deal of growing up to do, I suspect you will soon be experiencing many things that will force that on you. 

Mary, I am currently mentoring a young man (22) whose wife (21) of 3 years did something similar. Just sharing his thought process with you: 1. No longer sees het as the mother of his children, no longer day dreams of how they will look like - which features of hers they (he hoped) they will have. 

2. None of his friends and co-workers his age are married, has it in his head to divorce at 23 if far different than 33 and 43......why stay with a cheater, why live with that doubt, concern, and fear for the rest of marriage, better to divorce and find a new love that has not betrayed him.

He is on the fence on staying with his wife, I am staying neutral on this one, just helping him work out his thought process.

I wonder Mary, did you so easily do this to force your husband to end your marriage. Did you knowingly or un-knowingly sabotage your marriage so that you could have a different life as you married so young.

God bless, good luck, and I pray you and your betrayed husband heal from this quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Mary,

Some of the comments may hurt but consider that it's like putting a powerful antiseptic on an infected wound. The pain from it may be unbearable but it shows the degree of the infection inside your soul.

Have you ever been the victim of childhood abuse or rape? I ask because my ex-wife was a victim of rape when she was a teenager by a close cousin. Unfortunately she never dealt with it and carried it to our marriage - unbeknownst to me. It manifested itself later on in our marriage by her year long sexual affair with an OM (other man). You may be like her in which case I would recommend that you immediately try to get into individual counseling to help you confront the demons from your past which have caused you to act in such a self destructive fashion and exorcise them forever.


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## useable

mary,

how do you feel if you have a great father and then your mother cheated on him.


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## _mary

Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.

When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.

Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.

This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.

When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere. 

We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did. 

After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.

When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."

So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
------------

I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex. 

Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)


Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant. 
-------------

I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.


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## Shaggy

So Mary what are you going to do next time when you get one of your opportunities to cheat?

How are you changing you life at this point ? What are you doing differently so you don't cheat again and again because though you say you feel bad. You have done it over and over. Which is not the behavior of someone who actually intends to be faithful
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## useable

_mary said:


> Well here is the update. I just sat and read everyone's post so thanks for all the responces, and I'll try to answer them.
> 
> When he got home from work he just sat on the couch next to me. I told him I loved him and that I had something serious to talk about. And I just blurted at, "I had sex with OM" At first he just laughed, and said okay. But then I told him I was being serious and that I was truly sorry. He walked away to the bedroom, I stayed behind at first cause I didn't know if I should let him be alone or what. But then I went back and he asked how many times. At first I said a couple. He wanted an exact number and I told him. And he just left and took off in his car.
> 
> Ten minutes later my GF called me asking me what was going on. I was crying by then, and she told me H walked in asked where the OM was and luckily that he wasn't there. So he left and I guess he just drove around for a little while cause he didn't come back for like 20 minutes later.
> 
> This moment was probably the hardest to see in my life. Watching my husband cry. I'm crying now just thinking about it cause it hurt so much, and I really didn't mean to hurt him and I really do love him, even though it doesn't seem like I do. He asked me more questions and I did answer them all honestly. He brought up divorce, which I said I didn't want and that I would do anything to get ourselves through this. I told him I blame myself 100 percent and I begged him not to blame himself because he has been perfect and I am the one who messed up, not him.
> 
> When night time came, I told him I would sleep in a different room but I really wanted to sleep together and I promised I wouldn't touch him. But when we got in bed, he let me cuddle him. And I pretty much just layed there and cried in his arms telling him how sorry I was. I know it may sound like I was putting on the waterworks, but it seriously was sincere.
> 
> We talked some more and he told me that he did love me, but it was just hard. He gave me hope that he was giving me a chance to prove myself. And I know it might have been a bad time, but I asked him if he wanted me to stop the medicine and not go to the doctors when it's time and he told me he still wanted me too. A little later he asked if we could have sex, and we did.
> 
> After that, I ended up crying still telling him that I loved him and I seriously just cried myself to sleep and it was just and awful night and I don't think he slept to well either. But we did cuddle all night long.
> 
> When I woke up, he already left for work. And he left me a note. "I do love you but idk how i could ever forgive you for what you've done. It hurts more than you can imagine. to be lied to and cheated on like this."
> 
> So I don't even really know where I stand at this point.
> ------------
> 
> I don't blame my past for what I've done. but I'll answer the questions. I lost my virginity at a very young age. (13) And I admit I wasn't ready. I wasn't rapped, but I didn't want it to happen. If that makes since at all. The guy was older, I'm guessing he was 18. After that I didn't have sex again until I was in college. And I tried to date around but that didn't really work. I dated this one guy, but he was verbally/physically abusive but we never had sex. I thought I was dating this one guy but realized I was just being used for sex.
> 
> Growing up I thought I had great parents. My parents divorced when I was around 9, 10. It was hard. Mainly because my dad kind of went crazy, something my mom says he always was. Now looking back, I see it. My dad would call me telling me I would need to get out of the house by a certain time at night because he would burn the house down and if I didn't, I would die. Or that he was going to kidnap me and take me to Canada. So that age, I was just afraid to do anything. I learned just a little later, that my dad was molesting my sister. He didn't do anything to me or my other sister. (I have 2 sisters, 1 brother. All same parents)
> 
> 
> Now my dad lives on the other half of the country. Married and has a 5 year old son with her. Which I admit, kind of pisses me off. I don't forgive my dad for what he has done to my sister, but I went up there to help him when he got sick because of his son, not him. I don't know what's in my sisters mind, but it bothers me that I think she forgave him. She is married and has 2 sons and it just bothers the crap out of me that she hasn't told her husband at all. And they actually go out there and visit him all the time.
> ^Don't know why I'm telling you this, cause it is irrelevant.
> -------------
> 
> *I didn't cheat on him to ruin the marriage in any way. I completely admit, it was the attention and I just went with it*. I did deep inside knew this would hurt my husband and I don't know why I ignored that thought cause I never ever wanted to hurt him. I do love him.


so means that you need attention not your marriage, what an EXCUSE.

lucky you, he forgives, but i hope he will change his mind.


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## _mary

I believe I can turn down temptation. Even though the GF is like my only friend in this town, I am willing to turn off all ties with her/everyone who lives/stays in the house.

I know no matter what I say it sounds like a lame excuse. I really am not trying to look for excuses because there is no excuse for what I do. I know it's all my fault. I don't even blame the OM, even though he really is the last thing in my mind. I really do want forgiveness.

And I told my H. That I don't expect him to forgive me today or anytime soon. But I want hope that he will eventually forgive me.


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## Jellybeans

useable said:


> lucky you, he forgives, but i hope he will change his mind.


And this comment to her is helpful how??? 

Mary--you did the right thing telling him what happened. The ball is completely in his court. As previously mentioned, cut off all communication with the GF and the OM completely. 

If it's attention you seek--it may be you suffer from low self-esteem. You need to have a better sense of yourself so you don't go jumping from man to man in order to feel flattered. In the future, don't put yourself in these positions and don't cheat. It has devastating consequences. Unfortunately, you are now branded a cheater.

DO GET TESTED for STDs.


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## Cypress

_Mary

You did the right thing. I know you want to live an open and honest life. You have started that now. He will be angry for quite awhile. Hang in there, and be strong. Despite his lashing out, you need to continue to show your love for him.

Go to Marriage Builders and start reading. They have a great program for restoring marriages.

Cypress


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## Shaggy

Mary you need to take serious action to change if you really want your husband to take you back. 

In the past you uterly failed not to cheat. You cheated repeatedly despite claimIng each time you didn't want it and wouldn't do it again 

Yet do did cheat and with several people. 

So I ask again what are you going to do differently. 

For starters you should never talk to Anyone who you cheated with ever again you had a threesome with your so called friend didn't you? In fact thus friend seems to be a real piece of work. You know if you continue with her you will cheat again 

So are you really honestly feeling guilty and remorseful? Are you actually willing to give up this toxic friend to save your marriage?

If you balk at any of that then you know your true feelings here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto

Jellybeans said:


> And this comment to her is helpful how???
> 
> Mary--you did the right thing telling him what happened. The ball is completely in his court. As previously mentioned, cut off all communication with the GF and the OM completely.
> 
> If it's attention you seek--it may be you suffer from low self-esteem. You need to have a better sense of yourself so you don't go jumping from man to man in order to feel flattered. In the future, don't put yourself in these positions and don't cheat. It has devastating consequences. Unfortunately, you are now branded a cheater.
> 
> DO GET TESTED for STDs.


:iagree: There certainly seems to be a run of quasi-abusive posters on here lately. This forum, as far as I understand, is for people to seek advice and guidance, not a target range for people to shoot an individual's "perceived" lack of a "Moral" Compass.

... Mary, You have taken a very large 1st step. You, and I would HOPE everyone else here, should realize there is a long road ahead to work through this. Before you can work through this, you need to work through WHY you did this and that may need some outside help. 

Q~


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## Turner9

Jesus! Your joking right???! I am going to be honest with you because you are certainly not being honest with yourself! I am going to try and do this without insulting you , calling you names etc etc etc which all are valid. But, you need some help. 
1. The lack of sex, opportunity, distance, your husband being away etc are all ingredients for infidelity anyway! if you have a high sex drive and you do. 

Couple that with your young, insecure about your own stability and you've become an easy target for any man/predator! 

2. BUY A Vibrator or whatever it takes to get yourself off , to remove any emotional feelings of temptation! 
3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!
4. This lowlife friend of yours is no real friend, yeah I know you think so because its all you got! but she is a complete loser that is more than likely jealous of what you have, I believe she HATES YOU! Just food for thought. Get a new friend, join facebook, do something but break your ties with her quickly or at least ignore her. 
5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens. 
6. STOP Feeling guilty about something you wanted to do and enjoyed just because you had a sexual craving. I don't know if it works the same for women, but once a males needs are satisfied, the urge dies down and the drive to comment fooling actions diminishes greatly to the point that you can control yourself again. 
7. Please do not reply to this with some long extended bs to continue in your defrauding behavior , instead, just own it! take control of it, grow up! If you don't want to be married and just screw anything or anyone then do that , buy you cannot have that type of a relationship in MARRIAGE! without some pretty heavy consequences! Trust me, you don't want to increase the level of crap comming your way. Just STOP! already. 

And one more thing, I just have to ask: you quoted, then it turned into a threesome between us" She (your so called girlfriend) is forefilling some sick sexual fantasy she has been wanting for a long time or she is just preying on your vulnerbility. What a piece of work! She is more dangerous to you and your husband than you think?! It the high Art of Sexual Manipulation! It can be a hard thing to resist! especially if this happened again, and I bet it has. 

Yet consider this? Your AIDS! VD, etc , if they are this loose with you? why not others?? Whats next? an Orgy? PORN Video, its as if she has already primed you for it? Hell, she probably recorded you already. 

Look, I have a good idea of who you are, your young, pretty, yes lonely, but you can always go back to Mom and Dad and say I screwed up! Recover yourself and your life and stop putting it in harms way! Relieve him of the countless stories his buddies are going to have to say about him. *If you get anything out of this, get this, I care! along with alot of other people who have read your post, but if you don't really care? Then whats the point. 

You are a victim of a sexual predator and now you are considering joining them to unfortunately keep up the cycle to hurt another beautiful girl like yourself or seduce some poor military slug that won't see it comming. None of this ends well. IF YOU KEEP GOING. 

*Keep me posted, I am curious of how the next few weeks unfold for you.***


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## _mary

This was the only time I cheated on my H..and with only one guy. I don't think that really matters I just wanted to correct you because I'm not that big of a hoe bag.

I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF. 

I knew I always felt guilty but I kept on going back, so obviously I didn't feel guilty enough, right? I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. But I really do feel awful for hurting him and I never want to see him that way again. I don't believe I'm just saying this because he knows now, I really do feel bad.


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## Jellybeans

Turner9 said:


> 3. Don't tell your husband right now! Don't do it! If you know his temperment, rage level? Don't do it! Its the last distraction he needs while defending our country! The will be a time to tell him but don't you dare try to get pregnant and then tell him!
> 
> 5. Prepare for the worldwind effect! He will find out! Eventually! your friend will tell him or it will come out and because of your actions and your a repeat! offender! it will come out soon. Maybe 1 month or 2 at best. People can't hold their secrets for long. Tell your husband before that happens.


Did you read this thread? She already told him.


----------



## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> I am 100 percent ready to end my friendship with the GF.


No, you don't need to be "ready to end it"--you should have already ended it. There's no preparation necessary. Delete her # and the OM's # from your phone/FB/email contacts, all of it. No more talking to them. They are a cancer to your marriage.

Really look at yourself and why you did this and stop it because if not, you will destroy every relationship you are involved with in your life if you continue this way. Promise.


----------



## Turner9

Oh, I am sorry, I did not see that you TOLD Your Husband! That took GUTS! I didn't think you would do that anytime soon, .. Go see a military counselor , his benefits should cover that, by telling him, you expose that horrible sexual predator of a friend of yours and you have given yourself the opportunity you need to strengthen your moral fiber. I will still hold true to my 1st post though, if you go back to that junk. 

He might forgive you, I've seen husbands forgive their wives and vice versa of things worse than what you've done! and I know them. I am proud of you! That really took Courage! I don't know of too many who would come clean after an experience like that. 

No matter the outcome, know you did the BEST thing! and that will serve you well in the years to come.


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## Shaggy

Ok so end it. 

You need to take aggressive action and stick to them to show your husband that you want to fix this. 

Good intentions words an tears are all great but you need to begin making a new marriagehttp://www.lightbluetouchpaper.org/2009/12/07/what-does-detica-detect with him. Your old one is dead and gone. He will never ever trust you like before. He may forgive you and try for the marriage. But it is entirely your job to do anything needed to fix his broken heart 


Start by on your own permanently ending ALL contact with the OM
and your friend who aided the cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Turner9

Yeah, sorry, My browser cut off her last post when I replied to it. But you have to admit, her friend is some sort of sexual predator! The poor thing did not have chance. I live in a Navy Town, I'm around Military 24/7 I have heard and seen a lot stuff, unfortunately, her story is like 6 out 10 here when the husband or wife is deployed for long periods of time. Yes, the ratio is declining.


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## _mary

Random question.

Should I tell my mom?

He told me yesterday that he really wanted to call his mom just so he would have someone to talk to, but didn't because he said if there was any chance he would forgive me, he didn't want her hating me. I didn't even know what to say to that.


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## Jellybeans

Whether you tell your mom or not is completely up to you. Only you can decide that. 

To me, the one person you absolutely should have told is your husband...and you did. Good for you.

As for him telling his mom--you can rest assured if she finds out, she won't see you the same way again. That is par for the course with cheating. Harsh but true.


----------



## bryanp

I wish you luck. It sounds like your husband loves you very much also. You were correct in telling him. I think he will give you another opportunity. You have learned a hard lesson. If you are ever tempted again just imagine your husbands face while he was crying to you. If this does not stop you then nothing will.


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## loveiswhereiamnot

I'd say no on telling any moms. You both need someone to talk to, but telling family will forever color their perception. Counseling is the way to go. IC for probably both of you so your H can talk out his feelings with someone, and for you to find out why you did this. MC for both of you - you'll need it to help you get through this assault on your marriage.


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## morituri

Here's some advice:

1. Like Jelly said,* go get tested for STDs*. You had sex with your husband last night and may have exposed him to one. *Don't wait, do it ASAP.*

2. End your friendship with GF and OM FOREVER. Write both them a NC (no contact) letter in which you explain that in order to save your marriage, you will no longer have anything to do with her and the OM. As some other member commented, she is no friend of yours or of the marriage. Show it to your husband and have him mail it.

3. Commit to total transparency where you lovingly allow yourself to become accountable to him for your whereabouts 24/7. Give him any passwords to your cell phone, email accounts, social networking sites, etc. Your commitment to adhere to this policy will be the foundation for his rebuilding trust in you.

4. Get yourself into IC (individual counseling) to address and resolve your overwhelming desire for male attention. I use the term overwhelming because while it is normal for a young married woman like yourself to be sexually attracted to other men besides her husband, you seem to lack the ability to observe marital boundaries when you find yourself feeling lonely. It's almost like you used the sex you had with the OM to escape from the problems you were having with your husband. Conflict avoidance? If you do go to counseling, invite him to join you as an observer and emotional supporter of your personal healing.

5. Recovery for your husband MAY take anywhere from 2 to 5 years. He's going to go through an emotional roller coaster ride where he's going to have days when his love for you will be unquestionable followed by days of despair and hopelessness regarding you and the marriage. It is important that you do not react to his lashing out at you during the low days because it is not so much he's angry with but angry at himself for being weak and unmanly by staying married to you. The problem is that we men are stubbornly bullheaded when it comes to asking for help via counseling and your husband may be no exception. For this reason, invite him to this forum where he can get the support he needs from other betrayed husbands, some of who happen to be military men. If he does decide to join TAM (talk about marriage) he'll see that he is not alone and that he is still as much a man as he's always been.

As Bryanp said, you and your husband now have an opportunity to build a happy and healthy marriage free of the lies and deception of the old marriage. But it is up to the two of you to put in the hard work to make that a reality.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans

You both need to get tested for STDs since you had sex last night.

I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken. Not only do you need IC to figure out why you need all this male attention--but you also need to work on why you felt it was ok to sleep with your girlfriend's boyfriend... in front of her and repeatedly behind her back. You have poor boundaries.


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## Gabriel

My take on this was that it just turned into a waterfall. Kind of like, well, I f*cked up already, so I guess I can take this fun ride a little longer until I come to my senses. Now the ride is over, and who knows if your H will forgive you or not. 

All you can do is be there for him. It may not be enough, but if you want to save your marriage, you have to try this.

I think the NC letter does serve the purpose of showing the H that she is committed to ending that relationship. If she says nothing and just does dark forever from them with no letter, the H can't really see the door closing.

Not trying to rain on the parade here, but going physical more than once would be a deal breaker for me. A one night stand while really drunk...maybe I could get past it. But several times, no way. Be prepared that he might feel the same way and never forgive. Because of this, you do need to get a job to protect yourself financially.

VERY surprised your H asked for sex right away. When I found out my wife had an EA (emotional affair) and she came on to me, I rejected her the first time. For him to initiate, knowing you had unprotected.....wait, did you tell him your sex was unprotected???


----------



## sinnister

And I'm just like why do I keep on doing this to myself?


That's your problem. You're not doing it to "yourself". You're doing it to him. You need to change your way of thinking.


----------



## sigma1299

_mary said:


> Random question.
> 
> Should I tell my mom?
> 
> He told me yesterday that he really wanted to call his mom just so he would have someone to talk to, but didn't because he said if there was any chance he would forgive me, he didn't want her hating me. I didn't even know what to say to that.


When I gave up my affair to my wife I knew that her mother was the only real person she would have to turn to for support so I knew she had to know. The only thing I asked my wife post D Day was to let me be the one to tell my mother in law in my wife's presence, for two reasons. First, I did it and I wanted my wife to see me stand up and be held accountable. Second, I wanted to be there to defend myself. This doesn't mean that I wanted to justify what I had done, but I wanted to be sure that the dialogue stayed within the realm of truth and reality and didn't paint me or my intentions into something that they were not. So my W called my MIL and at 9am I confessed to her. My wife also wanted the input of my parents and I owed my father an apology for my behavior so later that same day I met with them and my wife and confessed to them. All in all a very long day. My family dynamics certainly played a part in the above for two reasons. First, everyone above has some first hand experience with infidelity - I'll leave it at that. Second, we all live in the same town and are very close to each other. Beyond our parents I let my wife tell whomever she wanted. I did tell her of a few people who I thought would be less than respectful of her wishes to keep it confidential. To date I think she has told only two of her friends. The ironic thing is that my wife really needed and wanted the support of her mother and my parents, and since I told them, everyone wants to pretend like it never happened. 

You're doing good so far, hang in there it will get better. Be there for your husband. Let him see you do the things like establish and abide by no contact, taking ownership and being remorseful. Communicate with him, you are and will be in pain to, tell him about it - let him know you are hurting to. Confide in each other, lean on each other - you can use this to build your marriage together into something stronger than it was before. The marriage you had yesterday is gone. The one you have now will either be better or worse. It is up to you and your husband which it will be. My wife and I now have a far better marriage than we did before my affair - it can be done. It's hard painful work, but it's worth it.


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> I don't even think you shouldo write a NC letter. I think you should just go no contact wtih nary a sword spoken.


I hate to disagree with the great one . But a NC letter IS necessary because this so called 'friend' of hers encouraged her to have sex with another man not once but many times as long as she was present. She is toxic to Mary and her husband and needs to be told that she is no longer considered a friend and to never again reach out to her. As someone said with friends like her, who needs enemies?

If Mary truly wants to regain her husband's trust in her than this is a must. I doubt that any betrayed spouse would want their cheating spouse to leave the door unlocked so that such a toxic person can waltz right in when it suits him or her. An NC letter locks the door on that person forever.

Mary, you should inform your husband of any calls or contacts from your so called friend (or the OM) as soon as possible, otherwise you risk in losing whatever shred of trust your husband has left for you and sabotaging any efforts to rebuild your marriage.


----------



## sigma1299

morituri said:


> I hate to disagree with the great one . But a NC letter IS necessary because this so called 'friend' of hers encouraged her to have sex with another man not once but many times as long as she was present. She is toxic to Mary and her husband and needs to be told that she is no longer considered a friend and to never again reach out to her. As someone said with friends like her, who needs enemies?
> 
> If Mary truly wants to regain her husband's trust in her than this is a must. I doubt that any betrayed spouse would want their cheating spouse to leave the door unlocked so that such a toxic person can waltz right in when it suits him or her. An NC letter locks the door on that person forever.
> 
> Mary, you should inform your husband of any calls or contacts from your so called friend (or the OM) as soon as possible, otherwise you risk in losing whatever shred of trust your husband has left for you and sabotaging any efforts to rebuild your marriage.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

This is all very true and excellent advice - any contact from the OM or your friend needs to be disclosed to your H as fast as humanly possible. The NC letter is part of taking ownership and being accountable. It needs to be done as much for you (OP) as it does your H. It helps establish boundaries and is a tangible statement of your re-commitment to the your marriage.

Edit - I didn't realize I was disagreeing with Jellybeans - oh my!!


----------



## StrangerThanFiction

morituri said:


> I hate to disagree with the great one . But a NC letter IS necessary because this so called 'friend' of hers encouraged her to have sex with another man not once but many times as long as she was present. She is toxic to Mary and her husband and needs to be told that she is no longer considered a friend and to never again reach out to her. As someone said with friends like her, who needs enemies?
> 
> If Mary truly wants to regain her husband's trust in her than this is a must. I doubt that any betrayed spouse would want their cheating spouse to leave the door unlocked so that such a toxic person can waltz right in when it suits him or her. An NC letter locks the door on that person forever.
> 
> Mary, you should inform your husband of any calls or contacts from your so called friend (or the OM) as soon as possible, otherwise you risk in losing whatever shred of trust your husband has left for you and sabotaging any efforts to rebuild your marriage.


:iagree:

Even if your husband decides he can't forgive you and leaves you, you still did the right thing by telling him. 

The pain of him leaving would not be as severe as you having to live your whole life keeping this hidden from him forever... not to mention that it would have probably come to light from your friend sooner or later anyway.


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## _mary

Yes, I told him it was unprotected. I really did tell him everything.

I'm on the waiting list for my doctor. As soon as a spot opens, they said they would call. If not, my appointment is at the end of this month. <<Also the same time, that I should start my fertility medicine>> 

I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to *our* marriage. 

Even though I just only told him yesterday. I am glad I told him. I already showed what kind of person I am for cheating on him. Like someone said earlier..it's time to prove what kind of person I am.

EDIT: I will write and NC letter. And I'll let my husband read it, and ask him what he wants me to do with it.


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## sigma1299

_mary said:


> I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to *our* marriage.


IMO this is a good thing. I think it indicates genuine remorse and real acceptance of what you've done. You will carry the scars from this for the rest of your life and you are processing that you have hurt yourself as well as your H and your marriage.

It's too early just yet but you need to work on figuring out what made you susceptible to having an affair. When I first came to this site I didn't believe there was any deeper reason, that I had just made a very bad decision. Through a lot of soul searching and help from the people here I have come to understand that there was much more to it than that. 

Also, listen to EVERYONE posting here, even the people being overtly hard on you. While not everyone's words may apply directly to you, they will help you to understand what your H is going through and keep some perspective on how his side of this can look.


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## crossbar

Okay, here's the deal.

If you have any chance to save this marriage, you have to be 100% transparent and he must feel how remorseful you really are.

If you tell him that you love him and didn't mean to hurt him and will do anything to try and save the marriage...the only thing he's hearing right now is, "blah,blah,blah...." He doesn't believe a word of what you're saying. He doesn't trust you right now and your word means nothing to him.SO, what do you need to do? ACTION.

Actions speaks louder than words. You need to have him see that you've cut all ties with GF and her man. You need to give him all your passwords to all your e-mail accounts, Facebook account and passcode to your phone and he's invited to check them out anytime he feels the need. Right now, you've lost all privledges to privacy. Get yourself into Individual Counseling to figure out why you did what you did. Then, after you start fixing yourself strongly recommend Marriage counseling. Start to read books on the matter, let him see you are being pro-active on trying to fix this. There are several books on the subject, check them out.

I would recommend an immediate doctors appointment to get checked out and get a clean bill of health. I speculate that you two are going to start to have a lot of sex. This is call hysterical bonding and the sex may be started by him a lot. Don't think that being intimate with him a lot is fixing the problem. Hysterical bonding is sort of a subconscious primal act of him trying to reclaim what he see's as his (meaning you). So, don't read too much into it, because it is what it is. 

Your husband is also going on a ride called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, he'll say he loves you, the next minute he can't stand to look at you...that quickly; like a light switch. He'll be laughing one minute, then crying the next. Content one minute, then sad and withdrawn the next. Say's he loves you one minute and then lashes out and calls you mean and hurtful things the next. This is going to be hard for both of you. But, if you can weather the storm you can get through this. But remember, it will get tough. If you don't think you can handle the ride and be supportive and understanding even when he's at his worst, then you don't have much of a chance.

The marriage you once had is gone forever. You will never get back to what you first had when you got married. He will never fully trust you. Can you gain a level of trust back? Sure. But he will never FULLY trust you. But, if you're willing to put in the work, you two might have a chance of saving this.


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## sigma1299

Crossbar - I wholeheartedly agree with all of your above but your last paragraph makes it sound like the best she can hope for in her marriage is some sort of purgatory that she must suffer for the remainder of the marriage. While her H will never look at her in exactly the same way as before, it is possible for them to have a better marriage going forward. Is it hard to get, you bet, but it can be done. Mary's affair will always be a part of her, him and their marriage if it survives, but that doesn't mean that survive is the best their marriage can do.


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## crossbar

sigma1299 said:


> Crossbar - I wholeheartedly agree with all of your above but your last paragraph makes it sound like the best she can hope for in her marriage is some sort of purgatory that she must suffer for the remainder of the marriage. While her H will never look at her in exactly the same way as before, it is possible for them to have a better marriage going forward. Is it hard to get, you bet, but it can be done. Mary's affair will always be a part of her, him and their marriage if it survives, but that doesn't mean that survive is the best their marriage can do.


 I never said that she would be walking on eggshells for the rest of her life. I do agree, she can get a very good and healthy relationship back with her husband if she willing to put in the work. However, I still say that he'll never have that same level of trust back with her that he once had. Five years from now, they can be in a great spot, then for whatever reason, he triggers and he's back to checking out things to make sure everything is on the up and up. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. She just has to realize that it's a process that may or may not happen. But, don't get upset if it does.


----------



## useable

_mary said:


> Yes, I told him it was unprotected. I really did tell him everything.
> 
> I'm on the waiting list for my doctor. As soon as a spot opens, they said they would call. If not, my appointment is at the end of this month. <<Also the same time, that I should start my fertility medicine>>
> 
> I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to *our* marriage.
> 
> Even though I just only told him yesterday. I am glad I told him. I already showed what kind of person I am for cheating on him. Like someone said earlier..it's time to prove what kind of person I am.
> 
> EDIT: I will write and NC letter. And I'll let my husband read it, and ask him what he wants me to do with it.


no need to do NC letter. just go NC and ignore all contact attempt from him.


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## cowgirl70

Honey, not judging it happened, BUT, you went back for more. Sounds like you are falling out of love with your husband. Do you have feelings for the other guy or your friend? You need to do some serious soal searching and figure out what you want. You said sex at home sucks well, take your friend home for your husband. I'm kidding. You need to come clean. Your hard working husband deserves the truth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## _mary

Well he just called me (he is on break) and he told me he was debating on what he wanted to do. He also told me he regretted on wanting sex last night, that it just made him feel worse. So I really don't know how to feel right now. He asked if I told my mom, I said no cause I didn't know what he wanted me to do, and that I would if he wants me too.

He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be.

EDIT: My H said I obviously have feelings for the OM since I did go back. In fact I went back 5 more times. I don't. I honestly have zero feelings for the OM. When my H asked why, I pretty much said for the attention. I didn't want to say I felt lonely because he wasn't giving me attention because I don't want him to think I blame him in anyway possible, cause I don't.


----------



## sigma1299

crossbar said:


> Five years from now, they can be in a great spot, then for whatever reason, he triggers and he's back to checking out things to make sure everything is on the up and up. It's unfortunate, but it does happen. She just has to realize that it's a process that may or may not happen. But, don't get upset if it does.


You are for sure right about that. My wife will trigger over something as simple as if I have a sleepless night because she knows I couldn't sleep the whole time my affair was going on. It is part of their new reality.


----------



## crossbar

useable said:


> no need to do NC letter. just go NC and ignore all contact attempt from him.


Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. I think that sending an NC letter may show her husband that she is serious about trying to fix this situation that she's caused. That she's willing to give up her friend for the sake of her husband. He may or may not care or think much of it. But, in my opinion, it's a start.


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## morituri

Even when there is no infidelity involved, blind trust is bad for any marriage because it is usually a sign of complacency and being in denial of any possible signs of threats to the marriage. The price of a happy and healthy marriage is constant vigilance.


----------



## sigma1299

_mary said:


> Well he just called me (he is on break) and he told me he was debating on what he wanted to do. He also told me he regretted on wanting sex last night, that it just made him feel worse. So I really don't know how to feel right now. He asked if I told my mom, I said no cause I didn't know what he wanted me to do, and that I would if he wants me too.
> 
> He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be.


Mary - this is going to go on for a while - settle in and resolve yourself to support your H in whatever he needs. This is part of the price of cheating. It sucks, it's hard and you've got to pay it, you did earn it after all. If you think your feelings are a roller coaster right now imagine his. Focus on your remorse and your husband.


----------



## useable

crossbar said:


> Sorry, but I respectfully disagree. I think that sending an NC letter may show her husband that she is serious about trying to fix this situation that she's caused. That she's willing to give up her friend for the sake of her husband. He may or may not care or think much of it. But, in my opinion, it's a start.


her willingness means nothing than her action to avoid him and not to contact him anymore.

why bother to write NC letter if in the future she will try to contact the OM or welcome his contact.


----------



## morituri

_mary said:


> He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be..


He's a typical guy, just like the rest of us here. As I said in a previous post, ask him if he could accompany you to your IC sessions so that he can he be there to support your efforts to become a healthy woman. If he does go, he may feel emotionally safe enough to start opening up himself to the counselor. It's worth a shot, wouldn't you agree?


----------



## crossbar

_mary said:


> Well he just called me (he is on break) and he told me he was debating on what he wanted to do. He also told me he regretted on wanting sex last night, that it just made him feel worse. So I really don't know how to feel right now. He asked if I told my mom, I said no cause I didn't know what he wanted me to do, and that I would if he wants me too.
> 
> He is the type of person who wouldn't want to go to any kind of counseling. I know it, without even asking him, but I'll bring it up but I am absolutely positive on what the answer is going to be.
> 
> EDIT: My H said I obviously have feelings for the OM since I did go back. In fact I went back 5 more times. I don't. I honestly have zero feelings for the OM. When my H asked why, I pretty much said for the attention. I didn't want to say I felt lonely because he wasn't giving me attention because I don't want him to think I blame him in anyway possible, cause I don't.



Well, you really need to stress the importance of getting some couseling. You can tell him that right now, you realize he doesn't owe you anything, but if he could go to one or two marriage counseling sessions and see if it could help. If you feel like it's not helping then at least you know you tried. If he still says no. Then ask if it's okay if you go. There's nothing wrong with just one person going to a marriage counselor. Maybe someone else has a different angle on trying to get him there than what I said. 

But, you need to do some homework RIGHT NOW!! Go on the net and find Marriage counselors in your local area and do research on each one of them. Find out who's rated the best. Some are really, really good and some are not. You need to figure that out.


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## Almostrecovered

Gabriel;418049
VERY surprised your H asked for sex right away. When I found out my wife had an EA (emotional affair) and she came on to me said:


> I'm not surprised at all, some of us (like me) end up "hyperbonding"


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## crossbar

useable said:


> her willingness means nothing than her action to avoid him and not to contact him anymore.
> 
> why bother to write NC letter if in the future she will try to contact the OM or welcome his contact.


 If she's serious about reconciling with her husband, then she won't contact them. NC letter is not only a gesture, but is a tool to show her seriousness to end the contact once and for all. 


But, you are right. An NC letter is worthless if she doesn't adhere to the context of the letter. I agree on that.


----------



## _mary

The OM was just sex. There was no friendship there or anything. So I don't have a reason to talk to him again. But I agree, I think writing a letter to the GF would show that I really mean I am done with them. I am going to write it, and ask my H what he would like to do with it.



> I am writing this letter to you to tell you that I want to end our friendship. Obviously when we are together I am not the person I should be. I am not blaming you for the stuff that I did with Bobby because the only person is to blame is me.
> 
> All the matters to me right now is Will and our marriage. For me to make my marriage survive, I have to end my negative relationship with you and Bobby.


^^That's what I got so far.


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## morituri

useable said:


> her willingness means nothing than her action to avoid him and not to contact him anymore.
> 
> why bother to write NC letter if in the future she will try to contact the OM or welcome his contact.



An NC letter is a wall that separates Mary from her 'friend' and the OM. Without it, there is nothing to separate them from her and attempt to contact her claiming that they didn't know that it was there to begin with.

You are right though that it means nothing if its not backed by actions from Mary to adhere to NC and promptly inform her husband when her 'friend' and/or the OM attempt to breach it.



Mary said:


> The OM was just sex. There was no friendship there or anything. So I don't have a reason to talk to him again. But I agree, I think writing a letter to the GF would show that I really mean I am done with them. I am going to write it, and ask my H what he would like to do with it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I am writing this letter to you to tell you that I want to end our friendship. Obviously when we are together I am not the person I should be. I am not blaming you for the stuff that I did with Bobby because the only person is to blame is me.
> 
> 
> 
> All the matters to me right now is Will and our marriage. For me to make my marriage survive, I have to end my negative relationship with you and Bobby.
> ^^That's what I got so far.
Click to expand...


:iagree:

Very good. I would suggest that you show it to your husband so that he knows that you are taking serious actions to never again put yourself in the situation that allowed you to betray him. Ask him to mail it for you.


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## Almostrecovered

2 things

address the letter to OM not the friend

also, implicitly state that you have no desire to be contacted by him ever again and any attempts of contact will be ignored and your husband informed


----------



## Jellybeans

We can all agree to disagree re: the No Contact letter/phone call/etc. 

I personally don't think it's necessary. I think blocking any/all forms of contact/the GF & OM from cntacting her will get the picture across. Call up the phone carrier and have thier #s blocked. Don't see them anymore. Block their emails and block them from Facebook. In fact, delete your Facebook. Any outside people are NOT in your best interest right now and no doubt your H is going to be wondering who else you have been inappropriate with. 



_mary said:


> I'm on the waiting list for my doctor. As soon as a spot opens, they said they would call. If not, my appointment is at the end of this month.


Find a new doctor. STDs are nothing to wait on. Call up docs that cater your insurance or hit up a free clinic. You may have been exposed to something, and now your husband could have been, too. 



_mary said:


> *<<Also the same time, that I should start my fertility medicine>> *


Um, don't. Why on Earth would you be wanting to start fertility medication in this sh!tstorm????!! You need to get tested for STDs an get on birth control. Having a child or entertaining the idea of having a child is extremely irresponsible at this time, IMO. 



_mary said:


> I do know it's about my H. I am upset I did this to him. But I am also upset I did this to me too. Like why did I do this to *our* marriage. ..


Newsflash, Mary: You did this because you wanted to. You chose to. 
The marriage you once had is gone forever. You will never get back to what you first had when you got married. He will never fully trust you. Can you gain a level of trust back? Sure. But he will never FULLY trust you. But, if you're willing to put in the work, you two might have a chance of saving this.[/QUOTE]

:iagree:



morituri said:


> Even when there is no infidelity involved, blind trust is bad for any marriage because it is usually a sign of complacency and being in denial of any possible signs of threats to the marriage.


I agree. A lesson learned from my own marriage. I trusted my exH blindl. Until one day I didn't. And then I never trusted him the same way again. I doubt I will ever trust anyone that way again.


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> I hate to disagree with the great one .


----------



## crossbar

I would re-think that NC letter. Sounds like you're putting the blame on them. Remember, this is your fault, you made those choices to sleep with GF's man. They didn't hold a gun to your head. 

You could say something along the llines of, I've made some aweful mistakes in my life that have hurt a lot of people, but most importantly, to my husband. I love him and I love my marriage to him. I must focus all my efforts into trying to fix my marriage and support my husband in every way possible. Therefore, I have to end all contact with you both so I can focus on what's truely important in my life.

or something along those lines


----------



## _mary

I am not a writer so it's hard to try to think of what I am thinking onto paper. I really like what you put because it is what I am thinking, so I am re-wording that. Thanks crossbar.

When he called earlier, he asked if I deleted her off my Facebook and I said no because I was going to wait till he got home so he could go through my facebook to see. He told me just to go ahead and delete them. I deleted/blocked the GF, OM, the GF's ex/roommate, and the GF's best friend. Even though she had nothing to do with it, I deleted her just in case she tried to talk to me for the GF.

I really debated deleting my FB. But I didn't even have anything on my FB, also I use FB to connect with our family more than I do to talk to people.

Also should I put in the letter that I've had sex with the OM behind her back also? Or will that just start drama.


----------



## morituri

Good job Mary. You are backing your words with actions and the more actions you take, the more your husband can see that you are serious about regaining his trust in you. You are on the road to becoming a healthy woman.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Jellybeans said:


> Find a new doctor. STDs are nothing to wait on. Call up docs that cater your insurance or hit up a free clinic. You may have been exposed to something, and now your husband could have been, too.


Maybe I missed something, but I am under the impression your last sexual encounter with OM was just very recently, within the last week or so. Don't you have to wait 3 weeks after the last sexual contact for the test to have conclusive results anyway? Therefore, I don't see the need to rush. Also, you will have to wait 3 months, I believe, for an HIV test to be conclusive.


----------



## HurtinginTN

_mary said:


> Also should I put in the letter that I've had sex with the OM behind her back also? Or will that just start drama.


I believe you should tell her somehow. Apparently, she believes she has some sort of relationship with OM. She was willing to share him if she was involved, but didn't want you doing anything with him if she wasn't. 

You could be subtle in telling her. "I made a huge mistake in having sex with _____ and _______. I made that mistake even more horrible by returning and having sex with _________ x more times." She would be able to put 2 and 2 together. "5 times, I was only there 2 times" or whatever.

Also, someone suggested something to the effect of "I have to stop any communication. . . " I would change that to "I choose to . . . "


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach

Quick thoughts....

You've done well so far. Im actually very suprised and impressed. Granted, that doesn't mean squat at this point. You've begun a journey. If you falter or misstep, your marriage and life as you know it are toast. There's a chance they are toast anyway. But, you have given yourself a chance. There is hope.

BURN THOSE BRIDGES!!!!!!!!!!!!

Burn them now, To the f*cking ground!

There can be NO BRIDGE for you to go back to that situation. It will be easy for you to try, you can and will find a reason. Make no mistake, your 'friend' and this OM will make it easy for you... it make appear like a soft place to land for a second when your husband goes through a 'valley' on the roller coaster you put him on. He will likely be very hurtful and very mad at some point. He may play the 'GTFO card, it's over!' That's his pain speaking... he has to get through these stages and you have to be there to help him... whatever he needs. 

That being said, when you feel 'alone' 'abandoned' and 'scared' and you think that it's 'over' it's going to be WAY TO EASY for you to seek out or be weak to the urge for sex with the OM... Emotionally, you have some twisted wires in there. Maybe, you see sex as some sort of 'belonging' or 'affection' or it fills some emotional hole in you and you have ZERO impulse control. Your weak and your 'friend' and OM are predators. They want you down there with them, you better get this through your head... THEY ARE THE ENEMY. Enemy to your life, your marriage and your soul. 

Also know, that when the dust settles a bit... you will want to go to him. There will be some 'withdrawl'. There will be feelings there, and in your comprimised weaked state it will be FAR to easy to find a reason you need to 'talk' to him, or something else... maybe convince yourself of something... some reason to still be friends... Whatever. You will find a reason to be close enough to that fire... something in you wants that. 

BURN THAT FU*CKING BRIDGE. To the ground. Protect yourself from you. You are NOT STRONG enough to fight the temptation and the regret/remorse/shame shield making it easy to resist will only stay up so long... 

What you do now will not only determine what happens in your marriage, it wil define who you are as a person. Forever. The stakes have never been higher. This is it, _your_ test. 

Your doing good so far.

Make yourself proud... keep focused._

'yesterday is history, tomorrow's a mystery, today is your gift. That is why it's called the present.'_


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## sam83

Marry I was harsh on u om my last post and I'm still little but I can't deny u look sincere in this good luck 

NC letters forms could be found online easily get one and modify it little and print it wait till ur husband come home show it to him and tell him u want his approval on this to be send to ur friend and the OM then give him all ur passwords for e-mail accounts , fb , cell phone just everything I think this will mean a lot for him 

good luck


----------



## crossbar

_mary said:


> I am not a writer so it's hard to try to think of what I am thinking onto paper. I really like what you put because it is what I am thinking, so I am re-wording that. Thanks crossbar.
> 
> When he called earlier, he asked if I deleted her off my Facebook and I said no because I was going to wait till he got home so he could go through my facebook to see. He told me just to go ahead and delete them. I deleted/blocked the GF, OM, the GF's ex/roommate, and the GF's best friend. Even though she had nothing to do with it, I deleted her just in case she tried to talk to me for the GF.
> 
> I really debated deleting my FB. But I didn't even have anything on my FB, also I use FB to connect with our family more than I do to talk to people.
> 
> Also should I put in the letter that I've had sex with the OM behind her back also? Or will that just start drama.


 You really have to start thinking ahead. WHen your husband asked if you de-friended them on Facebook, you should have been able to say, that's already been done, I'll show you when you get home. Don't wait for him to TELL you. Remember, pro-active. By you HOLDING OFF on de-friending them showed him that you were HOLDING ON to them. That's just an example of where his mind might be going.


----------



## _mary

I don't think it was me trying to hold on to them longer, it really was me just waiting till he got home because I think when we block someone, the messages, taggs, etc. disappear and I wanted him to be able to go through it and see everything. So if he happened to go through my facebook, it didn't look like I was trying to delete messages and hide from him.

Thanks Pit, TBH, it was your post that made me realize I had to tell him asap. Because you said I was just looking for an excuse to feel okay with that I did and not own up to my actions. If I want to move on, I had to do with telling him and taking the advice of all the people posting here. So thank you. And thank you to everyone else.

I am writing all my passwords down now too.


----------



## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> When he called earlier, he asked if I deleted her off my Facebook and I said no because I was going to wait till he got home so he could go through my facebook to see. He told me just to go ahead and delete them. I deleted/blocked the GF, OM, the GF's ex/roommate, and the GF's best friend. Even though she had nothing to do with it, I deleted her just in case she tried to talk to me for the GF.
> 
> I really debated deleting my FB. But I didn't even have anything on my FB, also I use FB to connect with our family more than I do to talk to people.


 totally called the FB thing.  Honestly, I would take it completely down. He isn't going to be very trusting of you right now. Get rid of it completely. You could even do one of those "hiatus" things they offer, where the profile isn't deleted but is there just in case in the future you want to sign back up. He will be happy to learn when he gets home that YOU took proactive measures all by yourself to delete it without him asking. 

As for the OM's Girlf--if you do the NC letter--yes--tell her because she has a right to knwo he fcked around on her behind her back. Sure, she was ok when she was there, but the thing is, he betrayed her (and so did you). She deserves to know the truth.



HurtinginTN said:


> Maybe I missed something, but I am under the impression your last sexual encounter with OM was just very recently, within the last week or so. Don't you have to wait 3 weeks after the last sexual contact for the test to have conclusive results anyway? Therefore, I don't see the need to rush. Also, you will have to wait 3 months, I believe, for an HIV test to be conclusive.


She has slept with OM several times, not just this week. By now some STDs could have popped up. So she should get tested stat. Re: HIV--she can test now and then re-test in 3-6 months. (6 months to be for sure).


----------



## crossbar

_mary said:


> I don't think it was me trying to hold on to them longer, it really was me just waiting till he got home because I think when we block someone, the messages, taggs, etc. disappear and I wanted him to be able to go through it and see everything. So if he happened to go through my facebook, it didn't look like I was trying to delete messages and hide from him.
> 
> .


Yeah, but you just told him you cheated on him. Do you really think he wants to see pictures of the guy you slept with? I would just have it done ahead of time.


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## _mary

Well I wrote the NC letter. Pretty much saying I don't blame her, I blame myself. And to save and move on with my marriage I have to end my friendship with her. I waited till my H got home and I showed him, I asked him if he wanted me to send it to her and he said yes. So I sent it. <The only problem is when you unblock a person, you can't do it again for another 48 hours.> So she responded.



> Honestly i think that's pretty ****ed up that you would blame me for your mistake!? Throwing away our friendship isnt going to save your marriage. it was ****ed to begin with. i cant ****ing believe you right now...seriously?! that is one of the most shallow things ive ****in encountered in awhile. idk where you get off being such a ****in ***** but really if u wna kiss will's ass even tho i kno you dont ****in love him, then have fun living ur ****in solitary life bc its not going to get u anywhere but more ***in misery than u already have. & to think i even called to ****in check on u BEFORE I GOT THIS DAMN MESSAGE! u & will both know as well as i do this is not my fault. reguardless whether it happend n my house or not it was YOUR DISCISION & I SHLDNT HAV TO PAY FOR YOUR FAULTS. wtf ever ur so rediculous!


then


> ohhhh ya & i fogot to add that if you run ur mouth about me about MY ****ING BIZ, now that we rnt talking, I WILL BEAT YOUR ****ING FACE IN! Seriously I'm so pissed at your right now, that I could do it for the hell of it. I can not believe u wld come here PRETENDING to b mine, Chris's, & EVERYONE ELSE'S friend n ****in soak up as much damn info about us as u cld then dip like the ****in stinky roast beef skank ass rotten onion dumpster SMELLIN ****in discusting ass SKANKY **** ***** YOU ARE!!!! **** YOU EAT A BOWL OF DIX N KICK ROX U WORTHLESS PIECE OF ****!!!! DEUCES


I did respond. My I swear this is my last time ever. And I responded.


> I am not blaming you at all. The only person I blame is myself and I am sorry if I came across that I was blaming you. I do love will and I came clean about everything. I do want things to work through this and if staying away from you is what it takes to make a step for my marriage then I am going to take it. I am sorry about drama. And you don't gotta worry, i said before I was a trustworthy person and whatever you said to me confidentially will stay with me. I'm not that type of person. Again I am sorry for the drama but I really got to do what's best for will and I.




EDIT::

I'm not sure how my H was feeling yesterday. He asked me more questions and I answered all of them. He really wanted to go to my mom's house and I think he wanted me to tell her, but I couldn't do it. He didn't ask me too but I knew that is what he wanted. I told him I promise I would tell her, but I would like to wait till our emotions are a little calmed down. And he said okay.

He told me he wasn't going to leave me but that he thought about it. He said if it ever happened again he would leave. Of course. I'm just so afraid he is going to change his mind. I mean, he has every right. I know he deserves someone better than me. Someone who wouldn't hurt him the way I did, but that doesn't mean I want him to go. I love him so much and it just kills me inside everytime I think about it. I seriously hate myself for hurting him, putting myself in this situation. I am just lost.

I brought up MC, and he said no. I brought up just C for myself, and he said whatever I wanted to do, but he doesn't think I need it. I kept on telling him whatever he wanted me to do, I would. I also said that I wasn't expecting forgiveness right away and that forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting. I'm not expecting him to forget and to trust me right away. But that I want to work through it and show him that I am a W that he is proud of.


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## Shaggy

Mary

One important point here. If you find yourself in the position of having to keep one of your so called friends secrets or telling it to your husband. Tell him. Your #1 loyalty is to him above all other people. Making sure he see this through your actions is what he needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sam83

did u hand him the passwords ???


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## _mary

I think she meant just little stuff she told me. Like her past, etc. Not about the affair. And I don't think she is worried about my H, I think she is more worried that I'm going to start rumors in this small town of ours. But I'm not like that, so no worries there. But all and all, she is the last thought in my mind.

Yes, he already had my FB password. But I gave him my email passwords (even though it's just spam, but still)


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## sam83

did ur H saw al these conversations ?

and did u send NC to OM or just count ur friend will tell him ?

and what do u think about ur friend idea that you'll stray again


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## _mary

Ahhh. I typed this whole message and I accidentally pushed the back button. /=

Yes. He saw her response, but he hasn't seen my response back to her yet.

I just sent it to the GF, because seriously there was no relationship there with the OM. It was just sex. And I am positive that she will pass the word on to him and others. For a person who is afraid I am going to spread rumors about her, I already got a message from one of her friends telling me it was wrong for me blaming the GF for sleeping with the OM. I messaged her back, saying it's no ones fault but my own. I apoligized for the drama. 

And she is only doing this cause I said I didn't want to be friends anymore. But I don't know what she was expecting to happen after this?

I realize that my H is wayyy more important than her. And I will do ANYTHING to prove. So if staying away from her forever is what it takes, thats what I am going to do. My only thing is she said that she was paying for my faults. What is she paying? Will hasn't been back since he was looking for the OM when he first found out and I haven't done anything to her.


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## bryanp

I think you are doing great but I think you also needed to be honest with her and tell her that you also had sex with 
Bobby behind her back. If you are going to be honest then you need to be totally honest with her as well. Good luck.


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## _mary

I told her, she either doesn't care or to mad about me wanting to have NC with her. 

Oh, and I called a local daycare and just sent them my resume. And I'm going to put my resume in for headstart and a subsitute aide for my county.

Being home alone while I sit in my guilt is driving me insane. I never felt this awful in my life. And I know that sounds I am being a drama queen but I really feel that way. I am thankful I found this board that I have a way to talk about everything in my mind. Thanks everyone.


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## PBear

My thoughts... You need to work through WHY this happened. You can't just brush it under the carpet and try to forget about it. If you don't, you're doomed to repeat it.

But good for you for telling him!

C


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## morituri

Mary, I'd like to say that your 'friend' promoted your marital betrayal because she is envious of your marriage. Look at the facts, she's a single mother with no committed relationship with her baby's father and an ex-BF who sees her as nothing more than a fu*k buddy. Just what every woman wants to have, right? She is a miserable piece of trash who wanted you to fu*k up your marriage so it could end in divorce and find yourself just like her. Notice how she lashed out to you even though you clearly stated in your no contact message that you were not blaming her for your actions. She is pissed because she'll no longer have the opportunity to poison your life and your marriage. 

Another interesting thing is how much a hypocrite she really is. She had no problems with you cheating behind your husband's back but whoa if you and her ex-BF were doing the same to her. She certainly has an interesting set of double standards, don't you think?

I hope this experience serves as a lesson to you about the importance of choosing wisely the people you consider to be your friends and to avoid women like her who pose to be a friend but are really an enemy in disguise.


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## sigma1299

Wow your ex-friend sounds like a peach of a person based on her response to you - IMO you're better off with a person of that caliber out of your life. You better make sure your H knows EVERYTHING, sounds to me like your exgf might try to mess your marriage up just out of spite. I'd also stop responding to anything I got from anyone (other than your H) regarding this, it will only feed the flames and keep the drama going longer. Put it on ignore and let it die. Focus on your husband and your marriage.

You've done good so far, the only substantive thing I would say you should have done differently is that if you knew your H wanted you to tell you mother you should have. You have to do whatever he needs and seeing you stand up and tell the other people you love and take accountability is a big thing. You need to tell your mom and IMO you need to do it in front of your H. I know that will be hard - I did it - but I think it will mean a lot to your H. 

Keep it up - you're doing good!!


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## bryanp

My hat is off to you Mary. You are doing everything right and showing true remorse. Excellent job. I am sure your husband has continued to ask why it happened if you felt so guilty afterwards each time?
How are you different today then you were back then? What have you now done to affair proof your marriage?

Are you worried that your husband may confront Bobbie physically down the line? I think to figure out what your husband needs is to ask yourself if the roles had been reversed, what would you be looking for to make yourself feel better?

I guarantee you that your husband is probably feeling if he was better in bed that you would not have strayed. This is absolutely crushing to to the self image and confidence to any male. It is now you job to show him that this was not case. Keep up the great work.


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## _mary

I would hate to talk trash about the GF because when it wasn't about sex, she was a good friend. I know it's hard to say, but I could talk to her and she was there for me. Well I thought she was. The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with. I'm the one who went along with it. I'm the one who gave into temptation. But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just because she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.

No. I was worried the day I told my H about it all. He went over to the house to beat the crap out of Bobby. And I know this sounds awful but I wasn't worried that he was going to hurt Bobby, I was afraid Bobby was going to hurt my H. Bobby has been in and out of jail and told me many times that he isn't afraid to go back, and that actually he would like to go back because he had it easy in there. (Yeah, he is a keeper!) So I knew if Will got into a fight, he would have a stopping point, I'm not sure if Bobby would have that. I am so so thankful Bobby wasn't there.

I know this is a hypacrite thing to say, but if the roles were reversed. I would kick my H's butt and turn around and kick the girl's butt. My H has really surprised me with this whole situation that he is still with me, even if it has only been 2 days since I told him. I've always known he would be there for me, but I never thought it would be like this. I am thankful also for him. I don't know how I would survive without him.


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## Jellybeans

I don't necessarily think Mary's friend is jealous of her marriage. It sounds like she is hurt Mary cut the friendship off after willfully particpating in the threesome with GF and the OM and also sleeping with the OM behind saif friend's back. Now I'm not excusing the GF or saying she is a good person--but I don't think painting her as the evil mean psycho is the thing to do here. She is obviously hurt and maybe she is lashing out this way becaus she realizes how badly this whole ordeal went down/what the consequences of this are and maybe she is p!ssed off she found out Mary slept with her guy behind her back and does not know how to deal with it so she's spewing. 

I would avoid her for now. She is obviously very hurt and acting out. If she asks you any questions about what happend with OM behind her back, definitely answer her. She deserves to know the truth, just as your husband does. There is a lot of betrayal here.

I am curious though-why do she (the GF) and her friends say "it's wrong of you to blame" her for cheating. Why are they saying that? How did you word things to them?? Where in your letter to them did you post about blaming them or they are just pulling that out of thin air??? How did you tell the GF you slept with her boyf behind her back? What words did you use? I didn't see either of those things in the part of the letter you posted here. Something is off here...

You are going to feel guilty a lot. Which is good. Cause if you didn't, then you may not have a conscious. Be glad your hub is giving you an opportunity to work through this. You need to do whatever he asks of you. If you think counselling is helpful to you, do it.

Like PB said--find out the why and mkae sure it never happens again. Or you will find yourself in this position again and destroy every relationship you have in your life.


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## sigma1299

_mary said:


> The whole sex thing was wrong, but I still don't hate her for it because I seriously don't blame her even if it was her idea and she was the one who initiated the whole thing with the OM to begin with.
> 
> she was jealous over my H...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and she would get mad if I didn't come over.


These are not the actions of a "good friend" under any circumstance. She is a toxic person bent on bringing other people down to her level of unhappiness. 

My wife responded much like your H appears to be. Understand and appreciate how much love that requires of him. I owe my wife a debt I will never be able to repay for the way she treated me after D Day. I knew she loved me before, but I did not understand just how much until after my affair.


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## _mary

I pretty much stole what somebody said in my letter. I know that sounds awful and lame, but it was seriously how I felt and it was just written better than I could have done.



> I'm sending you this message to tell you how sorry I am for the actions that I made. Having sex with Bobby with and without you is something I came to regret and learned that I was bringing myself and my marriage down.
> 
> I've made some awful mistakes that have hurt a lot of people, but most importantly, to my husband. I love him and I love my marriage to him. I must focus all my efforts into trying to fix my marriage and support my husband in every way possible. Therefore, I have to end all contact with you both so I can focus on what's truely important in my life.
> 
> I blocked you, Bobby, Phill and even your friend Christine from my facebook so I think you understand that I am not interested in anyway to try to make things better with you. I deleted your number and all ways to contact you and I would appreciate if you did the same.


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## Jellybeans

Well you kind of glossed over how you slept with Bobby without her but what's done is done an dyou already sent it. 

The GF sounds like she's co-dependent. Or maybe she just really liked your company. I don't think it's right to demonize her as the crazy/jealous/psycho person though after you willfully cheated with her and her guy behind her back. 

Do get tested for STDs.


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## morituri

_mary said:


> But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just *because she was jealous over my H*...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and *she would get mad if I didn't come over*. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.


There's your red flag. A friend who is jealous of your husband Will is actually jealous of your marriage. And while it is true that nobody put a gun to your head to have sex with her and Bobby, she nevertheless instigated the threesome and your subsequent one on one with Bobby knowing full well that such actions on your part could end your marriage for good. Those are NOT the actions of a true friend but are the actions of a true enemy.



> I know this is a hypocrite thing to say, but if the roles were reversed. I would kick my H's butt and turn around and kick the girl's butt.


I beg to differ with you Mary, you really don't know how you'll react until you cross that bridge, especially when you state



> I don't know how I would survive without him.


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## _mary

I agree with you, I don't think she is crazy/jealous/psycho. Maybe a little bit jealous but that's it. I really don't put any of the blame on her at all. She didn't put a gun to my head or anything. My actions are on me. 

I wrote it, and I let my H read it first. I said I was going to send it and I would do whatever to it he wanted me to, and he said to send it as is, so I did.

And I completely agree with you Morituri, I don't know what I would do unless it happened. I just know the way my husband is acting is surprising me. The only thing is I am afraid he is blaming himself. I tell him that it was me and not him that he seriously did nothing wrong, that it was me falling for the attention. It just kills me inside that I know he is being more hard on himself than he is to me.

He told me he told a friend at work and that the friend says that if it would have been him, he would have left me. I know if he tells anyone else, everyone else would say the same thing. It's a hard thing to hear.


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> And while it is true that nobody put a gun to your head to have sex with her and Bobby, she nevertheless instigated the threesome


Yeah. And Mary intentionally chose to participate and could have said no. And she didn't. So let's not put all the blame on the friend. 



morituri said:


> *and your subsequent one on one with Bobby *


I respectfully disagree, Mori. The "subsequent" 5 times Mary had sex with Bobby, it was her choice 100%. The "Friend" wasn't even around those times and had no idea they were having sex behind her back. 



morituri said:


> I beg to differ with you Mary, you really don't know how you'll react until you cross that bridge, especially when you state


Amen. :iagree:


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## _mary

I don't think it really matters. But the GF knew about it 3 times, and we did it behind her back 3 times. So I am assuming she already had an idea that it was going on, but of course I don't know what was going through her mind.


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## Jellybeans

No. If you went behind her back, that means she had no idea.

And it does matter. To brush it off saying it doesn't matter is no good.


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## crossbar

Just because he said he isn't going to leave doesn't mean you can sigh a breath of relief. It's not over by a long shot. If he thinks that you don't need counseling, oh well. Find a therapist anyways. If you start going, it wouldn't surprise me that after a bit of time, the therapist would ask to see you both for a session. So, ultimately, you get him to go to at least one. 

Go to the bookstore and find books on how to repair and improve marriages. Let him see that you are STILL being pro-active even when he thinks that you don't need it.

Here's the hard part, when he needs to vent, you let him. He may say some pretty mean and hurtful things to you. This is normal. He wants you to feel the same amount of pain that he's going through right now. So, sometimes you just have to bite the bullet. HOWEVER, if he ever tries to get physically abusive, get out. I'm not saying that he will, but you may endure some abuse because of your actions, but never physical abuse.

You need to constantly re-affirm to him that you love him and your are completely sorry for what you've done. One of my first posts I told you that action speaks louder than words. He doesn't need to hear it, he needs to see it. Don't put it in his face. "LOOK! look what I'm doing!" no need for that, he'll see it without you saying a word.

If he wants you to tell your mom. Then do it. This is called own up to your own sh*t. This was your doing. So, you'll need to put your big girl pants on and fess up to what you've done. Own it. Don't run and hide from it.


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Yeah. And Mary intentionally chose to participate and could have said no. And she didn't. So let's not put all the blame on the friend.


Nowhere in my comments do I put ALL the blame of Mary's actions on her 'friend'. *What I am putting blame is on the 'friend' seducing Mary to betray her husband. If she had not done that, Mary would not be here. Her 'friend' took advantage of Mary's vulnerable situation with her husband as an opportunity to help destroy Mary's marriage.*



> I respectfully disagree, Mori. The "subsequent" 5 times Mary had sex with Bobby, it was her choice 100%. The "Friend" wasn't even around those times and had no idea they were having sex behind her back.


Again Jelly, I am not defending Mary's actions in the least, she is solely responsible for betraying her husband and her 'friend'. But why was it okay for her friend that Mary have sex behind her husband Will's back but not okay for Mary to have sex with Bobby behind her back? Kind of a hypocritical mindset don't you think? *It could be argued that the real OM in all of this was her 'friend' and not this Bobby character. Just her reaction to Mary's NC is more akin to a jilted lover's than a normal friend's reaction.* Don't believe me? Then read again what Mary said



_mary said:


> But I'm actually feel relieved and happy that our friendship is over, not because of the OM but just *because she was jealous over my H*...and at times, I had to come over to her house just because she said she missed me and *she would get mad if I didn't come over*. Even though that sounds crazy, but it was nice to feel wanted that much. Now, I feel stupid for liking the attention and *I can't believe I didn't catch the weirdness of it all when it was happening.*


Correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression that you think that it is okay for Mary to continue having a relationship with this toxic person. Am I wrong?


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> *What I am putting blame is on the 'friend' seducing Mary to betray her husband. If she had not done that, Mary would not be here. Her 'friend' took advantage of Mary's vulnerable situation with her husband as an opportunity to help destroy Mary's marriage.*


Oh I am not saying the Friend is a saint either. She is wrong and should not have invited Mary to a threesome. I just don't think that she's 100% to blame. Mary had a choice. And made it. That does not make her friend a good person though for offering the infidelity. 



morituri said:


> But why was it okay for her friend that Mary have sex behind her husband Will's back but not okay for Mary to have sex with Bobby behind her back?


I never said that it was ok. I said she willfully participated in a threesome where all parties were on board (the gf, OM, Mary) (betrayal) AND she also participated in sex with the OM behind the girlfriend and her husband's back. Therefore TWO people were betrayed in that instance. It's betrayal all across the board. 



morituri said:


> Kind of a hypocritical mindset don't you think?


*

I don't think it's hypocritical at all. She cheated. No matter how you slice it. 



morituri said:



It could be argued that the real OM in all of this was her 'friend' and not this Bobby character. Just her reaction to Mary's NC is more akin to a jilted lover's than a normal friend's reaction.

Click to expand...

*


morituri said:


> Don't believe me? Then read again what Mary said


I did read what Mary wrote. It an be argued that there are TWO OM in this story (the girlfriend, OM1 and Bobby, OM2).



morituri said:


> Correct me if I'm wrong but I get the impression that you think that it is okay for Mary to continue having a relationship with this toxic person. Am I wrong?


*Absolutely not.* Nowhere did I write the words she should continue having a relationship with this "toxic person." I told her to cut of contact with the gf and Bobby completely. What I am saying is that it's hypocritical to lay the blame on the GF and OM (which you also agreed with). Mary had a choice. And made it. It's like when your wife or my husband told us that the OW/OM was evil/baited them into sex/seduced them, like they had no part in it, no part in the betrayal. 

They are ALL wrong. They all fcked up. They were all wrong.

Whew. I like debating with you.


----------



## sigma1299

Bottom line she needs to fire the lot of them and be done


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## Jellybeans

sigma1299 said:


> Bottom line she needs to fire the lot of them and be done


:iagree: 100%. And it looks like she has done that already. Focus on your marriage, Mary and being accountable to your husband and transparent with him.


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## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> Kind of a hypocritical mindset don't you think?
> 
> 
> 
> I don't think it's hypocritical at all. She cheated. No matter how you slice it.
Click to expand...

I didn't mean you were being hypocritical I meant her 'friend' was being hypocritical in believing that it was okay for Mary to cheat on her husband but not okay for her to cheat on her with her ex-BF.




> Whew. I like debating with you.


Yeah I like debating with me to :redcard:


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> I didn't mean you were being hypocritical I meant her 'friend' was being hypocritical in believing that it was okay for Mary to cheat on her husband but not okay for her to cheat on her with her ex-BF


I see. Yes, it is backhanded as hell. Nonetheless-lots of people were betrayed--most importantly, her husband. That's a lot of mess to clean up.




morituri said:


> Yeah I like debating with me to :redcard:


----------



## useable

mary, you are lucky your H forgave you. but do not be happy yet. the rollercoaster is going to come on your R with your H.


----------



## _mary

Okay. I am on my phone so if I missed someone's post or something I am sorry.

I would like to say if I came across that I was blaming the gf or the om, that is not what I meant. I totally don't blame them at all. I don't blame anyone but myself. Sorry if it came across that way. Me and the girl were close and I think that is why she lashed out. She is a defensive person and she would have sent me a response back if I told her I didn't like a sandwich she had made.

And when I said I didn't know if it mattered or not that I did it 3 times with her knowing and 3 times without her knowing, I didn't mean it that it's not important to what I did. Someone said I did it once with her knowing and 5 times without her knowing, so I meant I didn't know if it mattered to their opinion or altered it at all.

About telling my mom. I want to tell my mom. But not when my sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. is around and it's hard to do that. I would also like to way till me and will forger out our true emotions. My h has not actually told me he wants me to do it. He said to wait on my own time and I know what that means, but I really am waiting till I feel like I can mentally deal with it. Am I wrong?

I know I have a long way to go. I am happy that my husband is giving me a chance to prove myself but no where am I happy with what I've done. I feel bad cause I can't even look at my h without crying saying how sorry I am. I know that doesn't make things better but that's all I know what to do. I am crying now just thinking about how I hurt him. I am no where happy that this is over because I know it's not that it's jus the beginning. I am so scared he is goin to change his mind or even come to his senses that he deserves so much better than me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

_mary said:


> I am so scared he is goin to change his mind or even come to his senses that he deserves so much better than me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The blunt reality of this is you took that chance with sleeping with someone else. All you can do is try. You're right, the choice to stay or to leave is entirely up to him now. You have no say in the matter. All you can do is show him that you are willing to fix this.


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## Shaggy

Mary 

You are very right that your husband deserved a much better wife then you were. But understand that wife is no longer there nor is the marriage she ended. 

Now there is a new marriage relationship with a wife who will never be the person you were before. That was a person who in her husbands eye would never cheat and she was in a marriage where thus had never happened. Then she was replaced by a wife who was cheating. Finally now both of those women are gone, replaced by a woman fighting hard for her marriage 

So this is your chance to transform into the wife your husband does deserve. You need to be focusing on tomorrow not yesterday because you can only change one of them
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sigma1299

_mary said:


> About telling my mom. I want to tell my mom. But not when my sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. is around and it's hard to do that. I would also like to way till me and will forger out our true emotions. My h has not actually told me he wants me to do it. He said to wait on my own time and I know what that means, but I really am waiting till I feel like I can mentally deal with it. Am I wrong?


Wrong no. Certainly not about not wanting to include the other family members. Only your mom need know. I still haven't told my brother, telling him adds nothing to my equation. Regarding picking your own time, your not wrong there either, just stalling. There is no good time to jump on a hand grenade, you just have to do it. It sounds like it's important to both you and your H for her to know so just do it, you'll feel better when that's behind you. Right now you're dreading it because it is part of this that will still get worse. Once you've told everyone you need to tell, it will stop getting worse and can finally all start to get better. 

Call your mom and see if you can schedule a time to meet with her and your H when it can be just the three of you. She'll push to know what the cryptic request is about, tell her she'll just have to wait. 

I would add that telling anyone other than your spouse is not on the checklist of things cheaters must do. It's highly dependent on the situation and the people involved. My situation required that my and my wife's parents be told, yours may not. If there is no need to tell someone for either of you I wouldn't. If there is a need that someone know, I'd go ahead and get it over with.


----------



## Jellybeans

I also don't think you need to tell your extended family, nieces, nephews, etc. If you choose to tell your mom, do it when it's just you and her together. No need to include the entire family. 



_mary said:


> I am so scared he is goin to change his mind or even come to his senses that he deserves so much better than me.


Fear is a useless emotion. What's done is done. You can never go back. So dont live your life every day afraid that he may bail. That can happen at any given moment, you just need to accept that and live day to day. Even if you had not cheated, he could have/can still walk out on you. There are no guarantees in life (but death and taxes). 

Your old marriage is dead so don't try to turn back to get it back. Once fidelity is gone, the marriage is different. Nothing you can do it about it now. So focus on the future and building a new relationship together, if you both choose to do so.

Definitely get some individual counselling. I think it will help you immensely.

DO GET TESTED FOR STDs. You said the OM has bee nin and out of jail. Not that it means anything but he sounds like a high-risk person. And you also slept with her. That's a lot of potential for a lot of something.


----------



## Forsaken

Mary, I'm glad to see that you are owning up to your actions, it takes a lot of courage to admit the bad things we have done in our lives. Continue on this track and learn from all of this so that this never happens again regardless of whether or not you and your husband work this out and R.

Just be sure to be completely open and honest like everyone has said. Make sure you do things on purpose to show your being open about everything in your life, for instances leave your cell phone lying around where he has direct access to it so if he feels so obliged he can look at your texts and call logs or anything thats on your phone and see that you aren't doing anything shady. Don't delete texts or anything for a long while so that you know he has had a chance to read them, if you feel that some have been in your phone long enough and he has had an opportunity to read them then feel free to delete some old ones.

I can tell you from my experience, it's a really uncomfortable feeling trying to look at through a cell phone while your spouse is in the bathroom or something, so make sure you give him enough alone time to look things over so he doesn't feel rushed and don't stand over his shoulder while he looks. If you go out to grab food or something just leave it at home. Also reassure him and let him know that you are an open book and to feel free to look at your phone, e-mails, facebook, anything.. 

Even log on to your e-mail accounts or facebook occasionally and just leave it minimized or something and walk away from the computer. You had mentioned that you were probably just going to delete your facebook, I don't think you should do that, you said you use it as a way to communicate with family so continue using it to talk with family so he can see that is what you are doing so he can validate any uncertainties.

As for telling your mom about this, or anyone really, I wouldn't tell anyone about it until you are ready to tell them everything. Don't go asking people for advice without giving them the whole story, it isn't fair to your husband or your mother or whoever else you turn to for advice. It's only nature to turn to your parents when you need help, just make sure you tell them everything so they can give you the correct advice, because they can only give you advice based off of what they know and if they don't know very much then they aren't going to be giving you the right advice for the real situation.

My last advice would be to make yourself availiable to your husband at all times incase he has any questions or wants to clarify something, or even if he just needs some emotional support like a hug or something. Also, apologize often and thank him for giving you a second chance. You don't have to say it all the time because that could get annoying and may lose it's value, just be sure to remind him that you are sorry and you do appreciate him. Stroke his ego but start off slow, just give him a compliment every once in a while because he's going to be putting himself down a lot now.

Good luck with everything.


----------



## HurtinginTN

Forsaken said:


> I can tell you from my experience, it's a really uncomfortable feeling trying to look at through a cell phone while your spouse is in the bathroom or something,


lol. Yes, it is. 

You would do very well to listen to all that Forsaken has said here.


----------



## joe kidd

HurtinginTN said:


> lol. Yes, it is.
> 
> You would do very well to listen to all that Forsaken has said here.


Yes, also if he asks to see the phone give it up freely.


----------



## Forsaken

joe kidd said:


> Yes, also if he asks to see the phone give it up freely.


I agree, but if the phone is left out and about enough and he has a chance to check it quite frequently then he shouldn't feel the need to ask for it. But in the off chance that he does ask for it, just hand it over and tell him to take his time looking at it and just go back to whatever it is you were doing or just walk away or something. Like I said don't hover around him looking over his shoulder.


----------



## _mary

Yeah, I live my phone around most of the time anyway. I have my passwords for most of my stuff saved on the computer so if he wants to he would just have to double click and he won't even have to keep my passwords around.

Yesterday was quite hard for me. I know it sounds selfish by saying me, cause I'm sure it was hard for him. He was just more reserved, instead of asking me questions or just talking he just stayed quiet. When I talked about it, he didn't respond. When I said I loved him, I got nothing. When I asked for a kiss, he denied. So it's really hard to cope with that. I didn't say anything and that I understood but it's still hard.

He brought up the question if what would happen, if all this time of trying, this would be the time I got pregnant. So I am pretty sure he is stressing out over this. I don't even know how to answer this because I don't want to me like, oh no! oh no! I feel so ashamed for even having this conversation with him. I just said that if it does happen, we would get all the test and I would understand any decision that he made and that I loved him and that I really appreciated him for giving me the chance to prove myself as a wife.


----------



## bryanp

I think he simple cannot wrap his mind around this. If you and your husband are trying to get pregnant, why in the hell would you continue to have unprotected sex with another man? I do not blame your husband for feeling devastated by this.


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## _mary

I really don't know why I did this. It really was I got a little attention and I totally just gave it into it. That doesn't make it right, I know it was wrong and I know it makes me stupid and an awful person and wife. 

I brought up going to counseling again and he told me he doesn't think I need it. I said I really want to work on our marriage so we can come out of this stronger than ever, and he just responded that we can do that by ourselves.


----------



## sigma1299

It doesn't make you an awful person. It means you made some bad decisions. How you are handling it and how you continue to handle it says more about you. Everyone's feet are made of clay and in the right circumstance we can all make horrifically bad decisions, and we all do. It's how we handle and learn from those decisions that really shows who and what we are. 

IMO the two of you need to put trying to have children on hold, for a while, like a couple of years. You've got a lot to work through just dealing with the affair, adding a child to the dynamic now will just unbelievably complicate things. Having a child, especially a first child, is very stressful. Just read all of the threads where the affair happened right before during or after a pregnancy. It's a major life changer and generally not a good thing for the relationship between the husband and wife in the short term - even when all is good. Thrown on top of a relationship already under strain and it may be too much. You need a good solid marriage before you bring a child into the world together. 

The two of you do need counseling, but you can accomplish it between yourselves if you work at it. To do that you will both have to work hard at communicating with each other about your feelings and emotions and helping each other to deal with and process them. Read Almostrecovered's recent thread - I think it's called "2 years ago today." In one post in there he talks about he and his WW counseling themselves.


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## morituri

I really beg to differ with your husband regarding his belief that the two of you do not need counseling. Trying to sweep things under the rug as though it never happened seldom - if ever - works. I understand that he feels emasculated by the experience - I'm a betrayed husband so I have a pretty good idea of what he is feeling at this moment - and he may cringe at the thought of having to expose this story to a third party, a counselor. Of course you do not want to do anything behind his back ever again, but if in the days or weeks to come, you see his emotional well being deteriorate, please bring up the subject of individual counseling again for the two of you. He may - at that time - be more agreeable to it.

You may want to consider purchasing and reading books on healing after an affair. Books such as *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful* by Linda J. MacDonald and *How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To* by Janis A. Spring, and reading them together with your husband or by yourself. Leave the books in plain sight so your husband can see them and hopefully become curious enough to pick them up. Another thing you can do is invite him to come here to TAM or any other marriage oriented sites such as Marriage Advocates, etc to receive emotional support from other betrayed spouses. Just like you, he is not alone and he can transcend this ordeal to become much more emotionally stronger man than he ever was.


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## _mary

Just got off the phone with him. He at least responded that he loved me but he said the more he thinks about it, more that he wants to leave. Which is extremely hurtful, but I completely understand. I told him I really want to prove myself as a wife and I want this marriage to be successful and I will do anything to make it stronger. Then he asked if the OM was the only one. I said yes, then he apoligized for asking. I told him not to ever be sorry to ask, that he could ask anything and I promised to be truthful.

I will try again in a couple days about counseling. Even if it is just for me. I will show him this site, but I doubt he will come on. He has always kept his feelings to himself and I am very surprised that he is being as open as he is. I am thankful for that.


----------



## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> Yesterday was quite hard for me. I know it sounds selfish by saying me, cause I'm sure it was hard for him. He was just more reserved, instead of asking me questions or just talking he just stayed quiet. When I talked about it, he didn't respond. When I said I loved him, I got nothing. When I asked for a kiss, he denied. So it's really hard to cope with that. I didn't say anything and that I understood but it's still hard.


Expect more of this. He is on the worst roller coaster of his life right now. You cannot even fathom how he feels. 



_mary said:


> I really don't know why I did this.


You did it because you wanted to. You chose to.

My advice, again, is to get tested for STDs immediately and get a pregnancy test.


----------



## morituri

Jellybeans said:


> You did it because you wanted to. You chose to.


:iagree:

Just because you are a married woman doesn't mean you stop being sexually attracted to other men besides your husband. Proof of this is that you had sex with the OM 6 times and by your own admission, would have continued to have sex with him if you had not come here and still hung out with him and your 'friend'. 

Your problem is not that you are abnormally attracted to other men but in not observing marital boundaries. Boundaries such as never being alone in the presence of another man - especially one that you find him sexually attractive - and never becoming friends with people who are cheaters or encourage you to cheat. Marital boundaries are extremely important and more so when you are emotionally and physical vulnerable and are going through a rough time in your marriage.


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Your problem is not that you are abnormally attracted to other men but in not observing marital boundaries.


:iagree:

You need better boundaries.


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## _mary

I agree. It's not that I don't know why I did it. More that I can't believe I actually *coughcough* cheated on my husband. Like when we got married, many people said that this would happen and I was like, ahh no. I love him to much to do that. In fact that I don't believe while I was doing this, I was loving him any less. Even though, I knew it was wrong, I kept on doing this. And you are probably right, if I didn't google for advice, and I didn't find the board, I would probably be at my friend's house right now. Not because I wanted to keep on doing it, but because I felt like I was by myself and I didn't have a person being like, you are wrong! Of course, my consicious was telling me this, but I don't know. I sound stupid, so I hope I make sense. 

I got a random random question. Before when we did argue, it was mainly because of our dog. I love him, my H goes through periods of liking him. He always brought up that he wants to get rid of him. I never wanted to, because I absolutely love this stupid dog. Yesterday he mentioned that he wants to get rid of him..(Okay, okay, he has been saying this for a daily basis for like 2 months now.) Should I actually consider it now?


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## Jellybeans

Why did people tell you "this would happen???" Who told you that?

Re: the dog--what do you want to do?


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## _mary

Just because they said we were to young to get married. My family was very supportive of us getting married. His family, however, wasn't. But I don't think it was because they thought they were to young. I think it was more because they were afraid of loosing him and they had no problem showing their hatred towards me. We haven't even spoken to his dad in over a year.

I agree that the dog is a pain in the ass and it's really hard to move to a nicer place because most places not allow pets accept for dumpier places. But in all reality, I love the dog. I spoil him and I will miss him sooo much, but I know that is what my H wants. So I don't know what I want to do.


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## Jellybeans

Why did his family show hatred towards you? 

You guys will have to compromise on the dog.


----------



## HurtinginTN

I'd ditch the dog. You ditched your committment to your husband. He is hurting more than you can imagine. This is something he has been wanting. Giving it to him shows you care about what he wants. He knows you want to keep it. Giving up a dog may give you a better chance at not giving up your marriage, which is way more important.

Not so much that it is "just a dog", but to me it would show, "I screwed up. I understand I screwed up. I know you want to get rid of the dog. I'm willing to give up the dog as a consequence to my horrible decision. I love you and want to make you happy."

That is how I would take it. On the other hand, I would take an insistence to keep the dog to say, "I know you want to get rid of the dog, but I want to keep the dog. Just as in my affair with OM, what I want is more important to me than what you want. I'm not willing to give up something so insignificant in the big scheme of things as a consequence of my actions. You just need to get over it."


----------



## _mary

When we first got together, my H had a GF that his parents absolutely loved. She went to their church and then I came along and they broke up. His parents didn't really know me, and my H was sleeping over at my house, (well my parents house. we were 18). And he was living with his real mom and not them (them meaning dad & stepmom that he lived with like his whole life). They didn't approve of him staying over at my house so my H just didn't tell them. Well one night at like 3 o'clock in the morning they came to my house to see if he was there. Of course he was. His dad came to my bedroom window looked between the blinds..and of course what were we doing? Yup, the nasty. He taped on the window and then after knocking all over my house for like an hour. He left.

The next day his dad and his stepmom came over to my house to tell my parents what they seen. They said how awful it was of them to let me have a boy over. How I pretty much was a **** and so on. And ever since then, it hasn't gone over well.

When we announced we were getting married, the first thing they said was they I had to involve all his brothers and sisters. (He has 4 sisters 2 brothers, and my H is the oldest) I said of course. Then the day of my bridal shower, his stepmom took all the kids and left his dad and moved to a house like 4 hours away.

They both tried to involve my H in their divorce in much way as possible. Making him choose sides, etc. The day after our wedding. They moved back in together. At first I really tried to get my H to talk to his family cause I thought it was my fault that they don't talk. But my H really doesn't want anything to do with them, so I learned just to sit back and support him on not wanting a relationship with them.

--------------------
Okay, sorry for the random story.
--------------------

I'm just afraid if I get rid of the dog, that later on he will regret it. (I believe he loves him) and then be like, "you only got rid of him, because you cheated on me!"


----------



## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> When we first got together, my H had a GF that his parents absolutely loved. She went to their church and then I came along and they broke up.


Were you the Other Woman? 

Re: his family, you can't help how they feel, only the way you react to them. 

Re: dog...again, you guys will have to reach a compromise. 

I really think IC would be helpful for you.


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## _mary

When we first got together, I guess you could say I was the OW. Not really though. Like that relationship was ending, and we weren't having sex at that time. It was seriously just talking. Then when we started to become serious, I found out he was talking to another girl by reading his text then started texting the girl myself. He didn't have sex with her though, it that situation is done and over and I completely buried that.

I brought it up to him. Saying maybe I needed it, and he told me I didn't. That if I needed to talk to someone, I could call my friend or talk to him.


----------



## Almostrecovered

is there a family member who can take the dog, so you could at least visit?


----------



## _mary

No, we couldn't even find someone to watch him when I was at my dad's and he was living for the army and that was only 2 days. So we had to put him in a kennel.

Well I just told him pretty much that I know this isn't going to change much but I know when we do argue it is over cocoa and even though I love him, I love you more and that I was willing to give him up. And by doing this I'm not saying that makes things better or that I expect everything to go away, that it was just a start of me showing that I would do anything to make him happy and show I want to work through this. At first he was like I won't make you dl that. I know you love cocoa. Then five seconds later, "where is he going" and I Sao I would forger it out. Cause I'm not taking him to the pound or anything, I want to make sure he won't get killed and has a home.


----------



## _mary

Sorry for the double posting I just wanted to ask a question. What am I supposed to do if he insist on having sex? He proposed it, and I said I think we should wait till we get tested or at least go get protection. Then he asked if I was attracted to him. I said of course and that last time we had sex he regretted it and that I didn't want the same thing to happen again. And I wanted to make sure he was completely ready. He said he was, so we ended up just having sex. He doesn't seem like he was last time and he is actually really talking to me. 

Am I wrong for not keep on pushing that we should wait? It's hard because no matter how I say we should wait, he takes it as an insult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

When are you getting tested??? Yu should have donet hat already?

If you are going to have sex, USE PROTECTION!!! Note that a condom/birth control/etc will NOT protect against STDs.


----------



## tacoma

Jellybeans said:


> If you are going to have sex, USE PROTECTION!!! Note that a condom/birth control/etc will NOT protect against STDs.


A condom doesn`t protect against STD`s?

Then what is the point of a condom?



> Consistent and correct use of male latex condoms can reduce (though not eliminate) the risk of STD transmission.
> CDC - Condom Effectiveness - Male Latex Condoms and Sexually Transmitted Diseases


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## Initfortheduration

People believe the funniest things. I never could get over how they test the rubbers. They blow it up like a balloon. Why don't they test them like the the real world which would be more like a tube of toothpaste. Squeeze one end and paste comes out the other. But our society believes that the words "use protection" and *poof* you are protected from STDS. What a joke. In a way its like the way the native Americans believed that blowing smoke and waving your hand over yourself protected you in battle. Bet there were some surprised Indians when their smoke shield didn't work.........Maybe they should have shouted "use protection" and warn sheepskin condoms (no latex then) before battle. I am sure they would have worked.


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## Jellybeans

Nothing protects 100% against pregnancy or stds. And don't forget, you can get herpes from oral sex and skin on skin contact. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _mary

I told him that but all he heard was blah blah blah you don't find me attractive. No matter what I said made him feel any better. I just didn't know what to do. 

I am at my moms now because he has drill tomorrow and her house is closer to the unit. He was/is upset that I don't want to tell my mom yet. She is seriously the type of person to involve herself as much as possible and I would really like to try to forger out some before adding a third party. I know I sound selfish but I don't even think I am emotionally ready to tell her especially since I know she will butt in it. 

We talked about going to walmart to start Xmas shopping (huge family) and on our way we passed the gf and the on. Which put a damper on his mood. So by the time he got to walmart he already wanted to leave and then randomly he flipped out on me for someone walking into me. I calmy responded it was alright and he yelled to not yell at him. I didn't say anword till we got to the car. Like I know he has a right to be mad, but to wait till we were in public was embarrassing and all and all it upset/pissed me off. And I knew I just had to suck it up and deal with it because it was my fault. What are some things I could say if that happens again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Mary.
I just want to tell you some of the things that my WW does that helped me, take what you will and the things you do use I hope they work.
Sex was a must it helped us reconnect, face it, you already had sex with H with out a glove so what ever the convict has you both have now. Boosting our sex life helped us.

Affection, just a rub on the back, a hug and a small kiss, grapping his hand to hold it, any thing that tells your H you do care. For me it ment she still found me attractive, it help boost my ego. For us guys thats huge.

Calls, My WW calls me all the time, when she got to work, when she leaves work, breaks, lunchs, all the time just to let me know were shes at and that she is thinking of me and how I'm doing. Its like we were kids all over again ... remember always call my new GF just to talk. Well these day ...all crown up and all with being busy she keeps the calls short and it just means alot that she is even thinking about instead of getting laid.

My WW are now heading toward 2 yrs of R.

She was a bigg time cheater and every ones says they would leave the cheater until there sitting in that sitch. But our R is going good and she has done all the heavy lifting, and has dealt with my snide remarks and my triggers and has stuck it out. So there is hope.

Since Your H isn't into going to see a MC, is he up to reading ?

"After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring, helped us. 


Stay strong, it sound like you are facing the consequences, only to make you a better person when you do have kids, for that matter making you a smarter person as you grow. Its sound like you are find out who you really are, and I hope with your H's love comes forgiveness. I also hope that your H sees that your evil mistake is not going to define who you are and what you want to be. So good luck.


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## turnera

You need to let HIM decide when it's time for sex. Stop second guessing him.


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## _mary

I did that. The first night and he told me the next day how much he regretted it. I just didn't want him to have the same feelings again

I am interested in buying a book for myself. I know he would look at it like a foriegn object.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri

Remember to leave the books your purchase in plain sight of your husband so that hopefully his curiosity might be piqued and he starts reading them during his alone time.


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## MrQuatto

_mary said:


> I am at my moms now because he has drill tomorrow and her house is closer to the unit. *He was/is upset that I don't want to tell my mom yet. *She is seriously the type of person to involve herself as much as possible and I would really like to try to forger out some before adding a third party. I know I sound selfish but I don't even think I am emotionally ready to tell her especially since I know she will butt in it.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Mary, he has mentioned this numerous times. It is important to him that she knows. Whatever the reason behind it, you are making many excuses to not do it. Those excuses are going to count against you the longer you go. You told him you would do ANYTHING to fix this, yet you are clearly demonstrating you will not. You should consider the message this is sending to him.

Q~


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## sigma1299

MrQuatto said:


> Mary, he has mentioned this numerous times. It is important to him that she knows. Whatever the reason behind it, you are making many excuses to not do it. Those excuses are going to count against you the longer you go. You told him you would do ANYTHING to fix this, yet you are clearly demonstrating you will not. You should consider the message this is sending to him.
> 
> Q~


Yup. You're going to just have to suck it up and do this. The "right" time just isn't going to appear. The discomfort, shame and embarrassment are just part of the price of cheating. If/when you tell your mom, do it like you told your H. Straight forward, no excuses, full ownership and accountability.


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## turnera

I agree. Your humility (willingness to admit what you did, to others) is probably the #1 thing he needs to see right now. In fact, I usually tell the betrayed spouses that if their wayward WON'T admit to their family what they did, then they aren't truly remorseful, that they are still all about themselves.


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## tacoma

Initfortheduration said:


> People believe the funniest things. I never could get over how they test the rubbers. They blow it up like a balloon. Why don't they test them like the the real world which would be more like a tube of toothpaste. Squeeze one end and paste comes out the other. But our society believes that the words "use protection" and *poof* you are protected from STDS. What a joke. In a way its like the way the native Americans believed that blowing smoke and waving your hand over yourself protected you in battle. Bet there were some surprised Indians when their smoke shield didn't work.........Maybe they should have shouted "use protection" and warn sheepskin condoms (no latex then) before battle. I am sure they would have worked.


Most definitely not a realistic view of "protection".

I`ll stick with the scientific studies from the CDC,AMA,PP and numerous other knowledgable informed organizations.

Nothing is 100% effective but "protection" is what condoms offer.


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## _mary

I agree telling her would cOmpletely humiliate me. But it's just hard to find a good time because we are never by ourselves. One of sisters or something is around all the time and just haven't had a chance where it is just us. My h expects me to be like I cheated! And turn around and walk out and I can't do that.

Well after his drill he seemed in a good mood, even talking about going to the movies ttogether and then I asked how his friend was that he was talking to which happens to have the same name as the om. He told men to call his friend Robert for now on. Then he went through my purse to find a condom which in pure honesty have no idea where it came from and I'm actually thinking it was my sister playing a prank or something so his mood went to like clouds to grave in .5 seconds. 

It's really hard because like I know I have to push my hurt aside to tend to his feelings 24/7 so it's just hard not being able to talk to anybody, which I am sire he is feeling the same way. Does that make me selfish?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan

Keep venting here and not to your husband. It is going to be a roller coaster ride for some time, and you are going to have to do the heavy lifting for quite a while. He will trigger over many things, and you have to keep supporting his emotions.


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## Jellybeans

MrQuatto said:


> Mary, he has mentioned this numerous times. It is important to him that she knows. Whatever the reason behind it, you are making many excuses to not do it. Those excuses are going to count against you the longer you go. You told him you would do ANYTHING to fix this, yet you are clearly demonstrating you will not. You should consider the message this is sending to him.
> 
> Q~


I completely agree.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

_mary said:


> I agree telling her would cOmpletely humiliate me. But it's just hard to find a good time because we are never by ourselves. One of sisters or something is around all the time and just haven't had a chance where it is just us.


Her house doesn't have doors with locks?

Just so you know, telling her isn't about humiliating you - you're misspeaking for me. I said you need to have HUMILITY - not BE humiliated. Humility means acknowledging your misdeeds and asking forgiveness.


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## turnera

_mary said:


> It's really hard because like I know I have to push my hurt aside to tend to his feelings 24/7 so it's just hard not being able to talk to anybody, which I am sire he is feeling the same way. Does that make me selfish?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 No, it makes you human. Just like your husband. Just think of the next few months as a 'test' period, like when you have to buckle down in college to get through a long period of studying your ass off and not getting to soothe yourself. It just has to be done.


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## morituri

If one of your sisters is always hanging aroung your mother, you could take your mother to her bedroom, lock the door behind you, and in a low, whisper like tone of voice, tell her the truth about your marital betrayal. Simple.


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## MrQuatto

turnera said:


> No, it makes you human. Just like your husband. Just think of the next few months as a 'test' period, like when you have to buckle down in college to get through a long period of studying your ass off and not getting to soothe yourself. It just has to be done.


:iagree:

And just like in college, when it's time to take the test, you either take the test and let the chips fall where they may or you avoid taking the test and pay for it in the long run. Another analogy is a credit card. The bill is due, time to pay the fee. If you pay it early, you get it done, over with and taken care of. If you wait, you will have to pay more than if you buckled down and did it when it was due. If you wait long enough, the bill may be more than you can afford and then you are well and truly in trouble. 

It's the same situation with telling your mother. I am NOT trying to guilt you and I am not being mean but the reality is that every item you pointed to is an excuse, not a true obstacle. It is easier to come up with why not to do it than to just do it. All the while, that interest is building on the payment. Time is running Short Mary. Either your in, or your out. 

Time to pay the check.

Q~


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## _mary

I do agree I need to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and just tell her. I really am overthinking it. It's also hard since we don't live very close either. Should have taken the oppunity when I had it. But I know I will get more chances.

This might sound dumb but I think he is kind of taking advantage of the situation. Like remember when you were young and had a substitute and did whatever you wanted cause you know you could get away with it. That's kind of what he is doing. Like one thin I hate is suspensive or bloody or actiony movies. Like seriously I feel like having panic attacks and everything, I know that sounds very drama queen but thats how it is. Well he made me go see shark night which I pretty much plugged my ears and covered my eyes through the whole thing. Then he like does things to push my buttons like pick at his fingers cause he knows I can't stand the sound and just very little things.

Like I know I need to suck some things up and just deal with it but like now no matter what he does, do I just have to deal with it? Like he drives fast and I always tell him to slow down. Yesterday he was speeding and I told him to slow down and he started screaming at me and then started driving faster. I felt like I could say nothing back so I ended up just crying cause it was to the poin it was scaring me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz

You do not have to be in dangerous situations. However, an appreciation of the traumatizes nature of your husband because of your behavior would help.

Professional intervention is needed -- for both of you.



_mary said:


> I do agree I need to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and just tell her. I really am overthinking it. It's also hard since we don't live very close either. Should have taken the oppunity when I had it. But I know I will get more chances.
> 
> This might sound dumb but I think he is kind of taking advantage of the situation. Like remember when you were young and had a substitute and did whatever you wanted cause you know you could get away with it. That's kind of what he is doing. Like one thin I hate is suspensive or bloody or actiony movies. Like seriously I feel like having panic attacks and everything, I know that sounds very drama queen but thats how it is. Well he made me go see shark night which I pretty much plugged my ears and covered my eyes through the whole thing. Then he like does things to push my buttons like pick at his fingers cause he knows I can't stand the sound and just very little things.
> 
> Like I know I need to suck some things up and just deal with it but like now no matter what he does, do I just have to deal with it? Like he drives fast and I always tell him to slow down. Yesterday he was speeding and I told him to slow down and he started screaming at me and then started driving faster. I felt like I could say nothing back so I ended up just crying cause it was to the poin it was scaring me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

I'm guilty of that i did some walking on my WW days after my confrontation. 
I learned on this site that there is a healthy way to heal and a unhealthy way.
It sucked but we got though it. I mean I did some things I'm not proud of.

Its only been a few days...maybe a week but the point is he is going through phases. One day anger, one depression, one day happy. it all a rollercoaster ride. 

There will be an oppertunity when you can realy talk about it. Hopefully soon he will see the positive thing you are doing. In my case I saw my WW submit so much that as I warmed back up to her and my emotions settled down it got to a point were it it was about us and the marriage and not so much about the POS OM's.

That is when we really started to get things done and she approached me and said "listen I f~cked up and you making drop to my knees everychance you get is only making this marriage harder for both of us, so lets cut the sh~t and work *for* each other instead of against each other"

Main thing here is time, but he has to come to his own understanding that if he doesn't talk about this crap and bring it to ahead it will destroy a already fragile marraige. The key word here is him and his understanding.

Next time the both of you have a talk and the word forgiveness comes up, thats the time to ask him what his deffinition of forgiveness is. And explain the whole being mean and resent ment crap, and working for each other thing.

The both of you have a responsablity to have a healthy marriage. For him its going to be a hell of alot harder. Sorry Mary another consequence from a bad choice.

Don't give up, give it some time its way to soon for him.

Gets some knee pads


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## morituri

You cannot force your husband to go to counseling but you can and should go ASAP. The dynamic of the marriage could deteriorate to abuse and you will have to be ready to leave if it comes to that.

Just like there is no excuse for infidelity, there is no excuse for abuse, emotional and/or physical. Get help NOW.


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## Shaggy

Mary I suspect he is testing your comittment to him and the marriage. He's angry and he does not trust you. He will not trust you for a long while. This is the tough time your going through. He will test and push to see if you back down, Don't slip.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered

there's always a temporary power shift after discovery of an affair if there is an attempt at R
Shaggy is right in that in a sense he's unloading everything he's been unhappy about the past few years and thus is testing you to see if you're willing to do anything to make him happy.

Eventually you will have to ease back into compromise on non-affair issues, but I suggest the doors of communication need to be swung wide open because if you continue to sacrifice you will breed contempt and the marriage will not heal.


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## Jellybeans

Mary--I know you've stated multiple times that you are not "emotionally ready" to tell your mother at his request. 

The thing is, your husband was not "emotionally ready" when you cheated on him. 

if you are serious about restoring things with him, you will do what he requests. It is the very least you could do.


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## crossbar

_mary said:


> I do agree I need to suck it up and put my big girl panties on and just tell her. I really am overthinking it. It's also hard since we don't live very close either. Should have taken the oppunity when I had it. But I know I will get more chances.
> 
> This might sound dumb but I think he is kind of taking advantage of the situation. Like remember when you were young and had a substitute and did whatever you wanted cause you know you could get away with it. That's kind of what he is doing. Like one thin I hate is suspensive or bloody or actiony movies. Like seriously I feel like having panic attacks and everything, I know that sounds very drama queen but thats how it is. Well he made me go see shark night which I pretty much plugged my ears and covered my eyes through the whole thing. Then he like does things to push my buttons like pick at his fingers cause he knows I can't stand the sound and just very little things.
> 
> Like I know I need to suck some things up and just deal with it but like now no matter what he does, do I just have to deal with it? Like he drives fast and I always tell him to slow down. Yesterday he was speeding and I told him to slow down and he started screaming at me and then started driving faster. I felt like I could say nothing back so I ended up just crying cause it was to the poin it was scaring me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He's doing thoses things because you hurt him. I speculate that picking at his fingers or watching suspenseful movies isn't a way to get back at you per say, but he might be thinking, "She didn't care about our marriage, why should I care about what bothers her?"

Go get self help books and relationship books and start reading. Who cares if he views them as foreign objects. Technically, they're not for him! They're for you to better yourself and better your relationship. The condom thing was a low blow to his ego though. Another set back.

Tell your mother, if you're using the excuse that the "timing isn't right." Then, it never will be. Call your mom up, take her out to coffee, whatever... just tell her. Then, report back to BS that you told her and she knows. Right now, I feel that you're making excuses. So, if I'm feeling you're making excuses, I'M SURE your husband feels the same way.


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## turnera

_mary said:


> Like I know I need to suck some things up and just deal with it but like now no matter what he does, do I just have to deal with it? Like he drives fast and I always tell him to slow down. Yesterday he was speeding and I told him to slow down and he started screaming at me and then started driving faster. I felt like I could say nothing back so I ended up just crying cause it was to the poin it was scaring me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, mary, this is called sucking it up. He has a LOT of emotions to go through. You're not on the receiving end of betrayal so you simply can't understand how utterly devastating it is and how humiliated, worthless, unlovable, angry...everything under the sun he feels. This is your mess so you have to sit by and let him process it (as long as he doesn't become abusive), keep quiet, and offer now and then to do what he needs to make it up to him. 

He will likely get over it and it will all subside, but the lack of trust, probably the anger, will be with him for a long time - months if not years. If you truly love him you will steel yourself to a pretty low couple of years, until he trusts you again and can let himself start being vulnerable around you.

Get the book Surviving An Affair or some other affair book, so you can start to see things from his side. He needs you to do this.


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## CH

Mary,

Go through and read through alot of the posts and see how much pain and anguish they're going through. Then multiply that by 1000x and you might just begin to understand what cheating does to a spouse.

I came to this site to see how much pain and hurt I did to my wife, even though it happened a lifetime ago, the pain is still there and I can see the anger and hurt still sometimes. If you can't deal with it then you don't love him enough to make that extra effort to help him through it.

There is a fine line though, abuse either verbal or physical is not tolerable no matter what we did. But if the worse you have to deal with is his mood swings then count yourself lucky. Ask yourself, could you have stayed with him if he cheated on you? I can honestly say that I would have ran out the door so fast if I found out. That only shows me how much my wife loves me. So, if I have to bite my tongue from time to time I do it. Well sometimes my mouth gets the better of me but I always go back and apologize if I know I was in the wrong.


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## _mary

Yeah I understand what you all are saying. It's just so hard cause is am such an outspoken person about eveything. So it's hard for mento be sitting here biting my tounge.

Yesterday and today my h didn't want to mention it at all. Kind of pretending it never happened. He did tell me he seen the om walking around town but that's it. He asked if he could get on my fb for a game and I said he didn't have to ask and he did say that it didn't matter if he did or not snoop because I would just delete the messages. I understand completely where that was coming from bu I just said that I wouldn't and haven't done that. Other than that not anword.

I know he has been noticing my change. Like I never cook, but I have been and having it ready when he comes home from work. The random text saying I love and miss himthroughout the day. Etc. Is to much sucking up bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

_mary said:


> I know he has been noticing my change. Like I never cook, but I have been and having it ready when he comes home from work. The random text saying I love and miss himthroughout the day. Etc. Is to much sucking up bad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



No, that's exactlly what he needs right now. And be consistant with it. He may think that you're gonna stop after a while. Prove him wrong and make these little endearments part of your daily routine. Keep up the good work!


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## CH

_mary said:


> Etc. Is to much sucking up bad?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do it because you want to do it, not because you feel you have to do it to make him happy. If at anytime you start feeling that all your efforts are because it's what is expected, eventually you start to resent him down the road for making you grovel (from your perspective).

You bite your tongue because you make that extra effort to make amends, you do the cooking/cleaning etc. because you want to do it, not because you have to do it. There is a difference, when it feels like you have to do it and it's a duty then you fall back into the resentment pattern and you either cheat again or you pull away from your husband emotionally without even realizing it.


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## crossbar

cheatinghubby said:


> Do it because you want to do it, not because you feel you have to do it to make him happy. If at anytime you start feeling that all your efforts are because it's what is expected, eventually you start to resent him down the road for making you grovel (from your perspective).
> 
> You bite your tongue because you make that extra effort to make amends, you do the cooking/cleaning etc. because you want to do it, not because you have to do it. There is a difference, when it feels like you have to do it and it's a duty then you fall back into the resentment pattern and you either cheat again or you pull away from your husband emotionally without even realizing it.


I agree with what you're saying and you're right. She has to want to do it. But, in the BS perspective, I think that HE needs to see that he does have a wife that is interested into putting his interests first. Sort of a way that she knows she screwed up and is willing to do anything to be the wife that he deserves. 

I do agree with you; just looking at it at two different angles.


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## _mary

Right now I am so frustrated. All week I've been talking about going to my cousins marching band spectacular thing. So I didn't plan anything for dinne because I just assumed we would go out. Well he gets home. Doesn't want to go. I'm sucking it up. He gets on his game and just starts yelling at the game (24/7 here) I ask him to lower his voice cause he is screaming. He yells at me to go f myself. So sadly, I cracked.

I know it hasn't been long since I told him, but I told him I was seriously trying and he said I know I just had a hard day at work. I'm like I'm sorry but just don't yell at me cause I don't deal with that well. He says okay, and no lie through all this..his eyes doesn't come off the tv. It just upsets me so bad I don't even know why.

Like this is how it's always been. His game. So I'm used to it. And it never really bothered me before. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone. I put applications for jobs by then I heard from him about how he didn't want me to work. But I still sent them in because I need to get out of this house. I need human interaction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

_mary said:


> He gets on his game and just starts yelling at the game (24/7 here) I ask him to lower his voice cause he is screaming. He yells at me to go f myself.
> 
> He says okay, and no lie through all this..his eyes doesn't come off the tv. It just upsets me so bad I don't even know why.
> 
> Like this is how it's always been. His game. So I'm used to it. And it never really bothered me before. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone.


Well, I guess I take back my earlier comment about ditching the dog. I still don't condone your affair, because that is never the answer. However, this does look like he has his own affair partner, the game. My wife was like this for a long time, even before it became a game with one person (her affair partner). It takes two to make a marriage work. I do understand where he is hurt and everything. But you say this is how it's been for a long time. Ugh! I don't know what to think about this.


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## sigma1299

_mary said:


> He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone.


It took the aftermath of my EA for me to hear my wife on this very thing. My wife tried to express this to me many times over the years and stupid me I'd still go home for lunch every day and turn on CNN while we ate - dumb dumb dumb. I just never got it until we were in the reconciliation process and telling AND LISTENING to each other about everything we were thinking and feeling. Successful reconciliation is a two way deal, you need to express this to him through it. You're this far in, your marriage has been seriously disrupted, you might as well lay it all on the table and try to make real progress. Never waste a crisis, they are incredible opportunities to make very significant changes because everyone is already so far outside of their comfort zones. Express this and the rest of how you are feeling to him calmly and rationally, hopefully he will receive it the same way. If he doesn't at first don't get discouraged, keep saying it to him.

Oh - and you still need to tell your mother.


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## LovesHerMan

I really think you need to find something to keep you busy during the day. I know you said you don't need to work, but what about volunteering at an animal shelter? Most military bases have liaisons that can direct you to volunteer opportunities, Find something to occupy yourself; boredom led to this affair. You are far too young to be staying home all day with nothing to do.


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## _mary

I have brought up many times how I just need outside life, even before my affair. His only response is that its not his fault that he always works. (okay maybe not that mean, bu among those lines.)

He never really wanted the dog. I was just mad baby crazy and since that option wasn't there for me I went out and got the dog (giving my h just a day notice) so he didn't really have anchoice about the dog. Well he did but he knew how much I wanted one so he didn't say no. I still don want to give him up but my h has brought up everyday. I was hoping he would forget about it or something but he hasn't. I posted an ad on craigslist to make it look like I'm trying. 

I haven't seen my mom since I last brought it up. My mom is a teacher and lives far from me so she isn't easily accessable. Lol

Edit: oh I think y'all misunderstood me. Yes my h is in the army but he isn't stationed anywhere or considered active duty right now. And we don't live on base.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach

_mary said:


> Like this is how it's always been. His game. So I'm used to it. And it never really bothered me before. He just doesn't understand what it's like to be home all day by myself, talking to no one but my dog. And then he comes home and I feel more alone than I was when I was actually alone. I put applications for jobs by then I heard from him about how he didn't want me to work. But I still sent them in because I need to get out of this house. I need human interaction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be careful.

Your shield is coming down.

Your slipping.


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## turnera

_mary said:


> I put applications for jobs by then I heard from him about how he didn't want me to work. But I still sent them in because I need to get out of this house. I need human interaction.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I can't imagine, in today's world, why you wouldn't be working. Just make sure it's for the right reasons. Now would not be a good time to be working around men.


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## crossbar

Okay,

I still say you need to start reading and get yourself some indivdual counseling. Someone did bring up a very good idea about volunteering your time. Not a bad idea. If not an animal shelter, then maybe the red cross, or some church group.....


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## turnera

Good idea. Why don't you just start volunteering for now? If you don't need the money, best to leave that job for someone who does.


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## _mary

I went around to churches before when I moved here to see if I could volunteer and they all looked at me like I was a charity case and some just assumed I wanted my electric bill paid?! So yeah. Lol. I was trying to ge involved in a local theather but all that was judging old ladies who would rather have donations than volunteers. So it's not that I haven't tried that before.

I think our problem is right now. Is that he wants to go on and pretend it never happened. And I'm trying to get in his mind and make our marriage stronger so I'm running an extra mile while he was like whatever. Nothing has happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrQuatto

turnera said:


> Good idea. Why don't you just start volunteering for now? If you don't need the money, best to leave that job for someone who does.


:iagree:

He works a lot, that is his way of providing for the family. With that comes long hours. IT is a difficult time to discuss marital issues due to the wound being fresh but don't let these things slip under the rug. Timing is the key right now and only you can guage when and how much to get into on the marriage front. 

As far as working, volunteer at the local human society. It gets your animal fix and provides a very valuable service and they always need help. May even get some discount vet work for your dog out of it as well.

Q~


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## turnera

Humane society, lol.

Stop making excuses. You can't just turn your marriage around, not while he is in pain. You CAN stay and try to prove to him that you won't cheat again. Right now, that's treading water and that's all you can expect. If you're going to make this all about how downtrodden YOU are, your marriage isn't going to survive.


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## _mary

I do sound like one bog drama queen, don't I? I'm sorry. I may be whining and everything on here but I reply am just venting. Not saying this to his face. The only thig I did was when he cursed at me, I started balling because I can't do the being yelled at. Just sensitive, I guess. I did mention that I like going out when he gets home because I am so lonely during the day and when he does get home all he does is play his game. I know that sounds nagging, but I really am not to him. Trust me, my tounge is sore for how much I have been biting it. Lol

I seriously have no friends or anybody to vent on. So I guess when I start typing on here I jus let it all let loose. So sorry guys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

It's okay to vent. In fact, this is the perfect place to do it. People will understand.

However, you shouldn't have to take excessive verbal abuse or any physical abuse. If that happens, you need to get out.


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## Jellybeans

Why don't you get a job? Then you won't be bored all day and you'll have money in your pockets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

One of the advantages to working or volunteering is that you would make new friends who wouldn't necessarily encourage you to cheat. Really, what do you do at home all day? I could understand being a stay at home mom, but if you don't have kids, I can understand needing SOMETHING to relieve the boredom. I'm not judging, I'm merely curious.

I'm not saying that your husband is in anyway responsible for you cheating. That's entirely your decision, and it seems like you're owning that. But sometime (hopefully near future) he's going to have to understand his role in a dysfunctional marriage. Forgiving the affair is meaningless if the root causes aren't addressed.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

_mary said:


> I seriously have no friends or anybody to vent on.


Why?

What possible reason do you have for not having any friends? WHY do you not get out of the house? Is he abusive? Does he control your money? What's the story?


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## morituri

Is there a nearby college where you can enroll in classes while looking for a job?


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## _mary

I guess I don't have any friends because I live in a town where I know absolutely nobody and I don't put myself out there to meet people. When my h's cousin was here (he was practically living with us) it was to bad. Cause he turned into like my best friend.. And we would go out tothe bar and I'd be his wing man..lol or just stay at home and watch the football games..but now he is in Iraq for the army and yeah. I have like high school friends on my Facebook but none live near me and I occasionally tally them but not nowhere near where I can tell all this too.

No. He isn't verbally or physically abusive. One time out of frustration he grabbed me by my ankles and he yanked me off the bed when I was laying down. That was the only time ever he of his hands on me. I considered that burried. I mean I slapped him once a long time ago as well. That was only one time as well. But other than that no.

I did have a job at a camp, but the camp ended. Then I got another job but quit when we moved. And like no offense to anyone and I know this is going to sound so insecure but the only job I could get here is like mcdonalds or family dollar or something like that and I feel to good to work there, especially fast food. And like my h has never wanted me to work, not cause he is controlling, he just wants to provide for me. 

What do I do at home all day? Absolutely nothing. I wake up at 7 am and I just laze around all day. I go out and I run with my dog. I come back and I think about my run with my dog. Lol. I pick up around the house. I watch tv. And I text will. I stare at my Facebook. So yes. I need to get out of this house.

I was be was be atom doing online classes because I already went to this college and I took the program they have to offer by it's just anvery small college and t doesn't offer much. So I got my child development license but the daycares aren't hiring and I dont have a nice enough place to do a home daycare.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Time to be creative. Get off your lazy butt and FIND some way to have a purposeful life. How about this: make up a flyer for a block party, print it, and put it in the mailboxes of everyone on your street. Then, meet whoever shows up.


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## crossbar

Then go back to college. Believe me there are a lot of programs out there. Your local community college may have a nursing program. You can be an RN (national median for salary is 63,000), or you can be a paralegal (national median for salary is about 50,000). ANYTHING YOU WANT!!! There are a lot of on-line schools. HOWEVER, you have to do your homework on the school to ensure that it's fully accredited or else any degree or certificate you earn is pretty much worthless. If you think you can't afford college, well...there are pleanty of scholarships out there and grants that you don't have to pay back. You can apply for FAFSA which is Federal Student Aid. You probably qualify for it. But you never know until you try.

I'm all about school, because it was a very important part of my recovery for when I was cheated on by my girlfriend way back when. She said I was lazy and I would never amount to anything. I went to college...A LOT OF COLLEGE ( I found I enjoyed it). Now, I'm successful at my career. I'm not rich by any means, but I'm very comfortable....I guess you can say, I proved her wrong.


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## _mary

Yeah I did a fasfa before I was married and didn't apply for it because my parents made to much money but not enoughto actually pay for it. High school I just messed around and didn't take anything to serious so by the time sholarship time came, I couldn't get any. So had to get student loans which I am still paying off. I def want to go back to school. Just trying to forger out what. Sounds super lame, but you know how on law and order when the parents aren't making the right choices for their kids so they give the kid an person to speak for them like a lawyer but not. I wanna do that. Haha

A block party where I live? I'd be to afraid of what freaks come out. I live in ******* town. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Don't judge people, mary. Look at how many people would want to judge you.


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## _mary

Your right, I am sorry. I guess I am very cluiqe. I've always been someone to stick to my group of people. Which is probably another reason why I have no friends. Cause I am to much of a beep to go out and meet people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar

_mary said:


> I def want to go back to school. Just trying to forger out what. Sounds super lame, but you know how on law and order when the parents aren't making the right choices for their kids so they give the kid an person to speak for them like a lawyer but not. I wanna do that. Haha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well, That kind of sounds like you want to be a Guardian ad liem, but they're kind of court appointed Social Workers. Social Workers is a career of passion. Because they are definately overworked and underpaid. National Average is between 35,000 and 45,000.

Look don't sell yourself too short. I did okay in High School, but I wasn't getting into Harvard. So, I guess my long time Ex was right...I was lazy and was kicking around dead end jobs. Until she left me for someone else. Then I went to my local college and enrolled. My first college paper I got back, I got an A on. I was so proud of myself that I wanted to get another one, and then another one....needless to say I kicked butt at that college.

Then my boss suggested that I apply to this one University. I said, "no way, that school is too tough to get into." and I left it at that. The following week he came in with an application and told me that I was to fill it out right then and there and he was going to pay the application fee. So, I filled it out and I felt bad that he wasted his money on something that wasn't going to happen.
About a month later, I recieved a letter in the mail from the University. I got accepted into one of the top Universities in the nation for it's academics. I got all misty eyed and had to change my drawers...but you get the point.

Moral of the story, hard work pays off and don't EVER sell yourself short. You see the goal and you go after it. Don't let anything get in your way. Never stop until it's done. Find that motivation!


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## turnera

_mary said:


> Your right, I am sorry. I guess I am very cluiqe. I've always been someone to stick to my group of people. Which is probably another reason why I have no friends. Cause I am to much of a beep to go out and meet people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 The people who have harmed me the most have been very religious (and white). The people who have turned out to be our best friends in life have all been black (we are white). The people who have turned out to be the nicest and most giving have been from lower income groups. The people who have turned out to be my DD21's better friends have been trailer park residents, from the worst school in town, and dismissed by her other friends as not 'good enough.'

I have a sign at my desk. Two actually:

Everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

and 

Under everyone's skin is someone who wants to be loved.

People are where they are simply by luck of birth. WHO they are is all them.


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## turnera

crossbar said:


> I did okay in High School, but I wasn't getting into Harvard.


I've been dying to use this tidbit I learned the other day:

T/J: Only 6 percent of people in Harvard got in without knowing someone who already went there.

But crossbar is right. You can excel no matter where you go. Maybe what you really need is to be proud of yourself for your accomplishments, rather than who you married or how much money you have.


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## crossbar

turnera said:


> I've been dying to use this tidbit I learned the other day:
> 
> T/J: Only 6 percent of people in Harvard got in without knowing someone who already went there.


LOL!!!!! .......I knew it...THOSE SOB's!!!!!


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## Jellybeans

_mary said:


> What do I do at home all day? Absolutely nothing. I wake up at 7 am and I just laze around all day. I go out and I run with my dog. I come back and I think about my run with my dog. Lol. I pick up around the house. I watch tv. And I text will. I stare at my Facebook. So yes. I need to get out of this house.


This sounds extremely boring. Get active. Volunteer, get a job, go to school. I would og crazy if I were home all day doing nothing. I can't even imagine.


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## _mary

Everyone judges. Even though we know we shouldn't. I guess I'm just more open about it. It's not that I'm rude to people, I'm just not one to go out and meet people. Especially when I live in the middle Of nowhere. Like I was looking things up, we don't even have a humane society. I'm Mexican in a white community, so no race judgements here. Lol

Well my grandparents are in town and I mentioned going to go see them and then my h was like oh ok when we go you can tell them and then pretty much wanted to me to tell them and I said I wasn't doing that. Then he played it off like he was joking but he wasn't. He seriously wants me to tell everyone. I'm thinking there is no need to tell random people. Like what is that going to do? Bring people's thoughts and opinions isn't needed. I'm just like egh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InsecureSecurity

_mary said:


> He seriously wants me to tell everyone. I'm thinking there is no need to tell random people. Like what is that going to do? Bring people's thoughts and opinions isn't needed. I'm just like egh.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He wants to feel like you are putting your marriage first instead of your feelings of guilt. My wife outright refuses to tell anyone except for one of her best friends. Even though I've brought it up before, she point blank tells me that she won't tell anyone because it's "our problem." Yes, it is our problem. However, I (and your husband) want to know my wife (you) can own up to what she (you) did. Friends and family may make you feel even guiltier than you already do, but it shows so much that you care about making the marriage work above all else.

Marriage is a constant given and take. Right now you have to give more than your husband can give. He needs to take everything you're doing so he can try to get over the fact that you ignored your vows and went into the arms of another man. If you telling your family what happened will make him feel closer to you through the idea of "wow, my wife loves me so much she is willing to go through the hell of all this for me," then do it. Please.

It seems like you genuinely want to be a good wife, but you ****ed up. Everyone makes mistakes, but it's what we do to rectify those mistakes that makes us who we are.


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## Jellybeans

Mary--sorry but it's time to get off your soapbox. 

You fvcked up badly. You need to earn his trust back. And if that means adhering to his requests of telling your mother and family, then so be it. 

You have not told because you are ashamed. 

You have not told because you are in self-preservation mode, not "Protect my marriage at all costs" mode. It seems you are more concerned with your image and what you can do for YOU than anything else. 

Time to call a spade a spade.

Have you even gotten tested for STDs yet?


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## turnera

Jellybeans said:


> You have not told because you are ashamed.
> 
> You have not told because you are in self-preservation mode, not "Protect my marriage at all costs" mode. It seems you are more concerned with your image and what you can for YOU than anything else.


Try to deny this.

Look at it this way: If you continue to deny the one thing he needs from you more than anything, you will find yourself ALONE in a few months. 

HE WILL LEAVE YOU.

Is that what you're trying to accomplish?

On another note: So you're Mexican in a white town; do you think that you feel like YOU will be judged by _them_ and that's why you haven't tried to make friends?


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## MrQuatto

_mary said:


> Everyone judges. Even though we know we shouldn't. I guess I'm just more open about it. It's not that I'm rude to people, I'm just not one to go out and meet people. Especially when I live in the middle Of nowhere. Like I was looking things up, we don't even have a humane society. I'm Mexican in a white community, so no race judgements here. Lol
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But that is precisely WHY you should meet new people. It's easy to put a stereotype to someone you don't know.

Even small towns have things going on. Community centers, art centers, garden clubs, recreation departments, church organizations, local parks, state or federal parks, grange halls. Visit, volunteer, join. Just break the mold you have for yourself now.

Almost all are common to even some of the smallest of towns. You simply have to look, and that may mean leaving the house, which is also something you can use right now. 

Mary, each reason why not is not helping your situation.

Q~


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## WhereAmI

It sounds like you care more about your image (not telling mom, refusing to take a lower paying job) than taking the steps that can better your life in the long run. Figure out why that is.

Considering your current state of mind, have you looked into becoming a CNA? When I took the course (8 years ago, things may have changed) it was an extremely easy two week class, including clinicals. The cost was only $350 and only the occasional crotchety nurse looked down on me for being a CNA.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _mary

Things this week have been up and down. Havent talked about it at all, because he hasnt want to. Which is understandable. But right now I am lost, I know I am so selfish but I am.

He made menget rid of the dog yesterday. He spread the word around and anwoman came to our door, saw the dog and like and hour later the dog was gone. I seriously cried the whole night long, cried myself to sleep and still crying this second. I seriously feel like my best friend died. And I'm just surprised he actually wanted to get rid of him and I thought he loved the dog like I did. He was like my baby, and I treated that dog like it. Every morning I wake up and that dog is cuddling me. My h is already gone at work and now I feel ever more so lonely. I told my h I wasn't mad at him I was just upset about the dog and he just acted mad throughout the whole evening.

This weekend I am leaving for the weekend to go see wicked with people I used to work with. I debated cancelling it due so me and him could spend the weekend together. (I'll be staying in a hotel) but he just told menus already volunteered to work the weekend. Next week is my birthday so I suggested to like just run away for a weekend and we could jut have unromantic weekend and he at firs liked the idea but then when I went to reserve our hotel room he changed his mind. All he does is play his game and that's the only reason why he doesn't want to go because he would rather play his game. It's just frustrating.

They have can classes twice a year here and I debated doin that but that's just not me. Plus my license got suspended so I am not even supposed to drive so I literally am trapped inside my house. I do not see anything wrong with refusing to work at mcdonalds or something. Like I don't view at people who work there and other places like that badly or even think anything less of them, I worked at fast food all through high school. Done that been there don't wanna go back. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

So then get a job somewhere else. There are many kinds of jobs.

Re: the dog--I'm not sure why you are surprised. He told you about how he felt awhile ago. 

Re: the weekend away at a hotel--I'm not sure that's the best idea considering your husband just found out you cheated on him not too long ago.


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## _mary

I bought my ticket months ago and I got good seats but it exactly wasn't cheap so it's not that I can really bail. He hates plays and musicals so he never and still has no desire to want to go.

And I'm surprised because I thought he really did love the dog so he said what he said out of frustration. Even though I know what indie was wrong and I have taken full responsibility, taking the one thing that kept me company and was like my best friend doesn't make me feel the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

I am a great dog lover. It seems cruel and heartless to you and the dog.


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## sigma1299

Mary - I have a dog to - have all of my life and always will so please believe that I understand before I say this. Forget about the damn dog - you've got much bigger issues to focus on. Write it off to stupid tax for cheating, call it part of the price you have to pay and move on. Cancel that trip to see Wicked - I don't care what it cost. If you go for a girls weekend now it will drive a serious wedge into your reconciliation which is struggling already. 

You need to reset where YOU are in this reconciliation. You seemed to be focus on what your H is either not doing for you or doing to you, this is totally backwards. You need to be focused on him, if he wants to play that game - let him - maybe ask if he'll teach you or something but don't dare resent him for it - not now. If he wants to sulk or be moody that's his right, just let him understand you are sorry and are there if and when he wants to talk. 

You have major work to do to get your marriage successfully past your affair - you and you alone - it's all on you. Only after that has been done can the two you together address the other issues in the marriage. Reconciliation of the affair has to come first and that's your responsibility.


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## morituri

Are you at least reading any of the books suggested to you?


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## Shaggy

Mary, what are you doing to prevent him from thinking you might cheat again while gone for the weekend? You gone, in a hotel etc with friends, likely drinking etc having a good old time. There are lots of triggers there for him. 

You need to walk very carefully here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN

I agree about cancelling the weekend trip if you want to work on the marriage. These friends you are going with aren't the same friends you had the relationship with, are they? Even if you went with a group of nuns and sat in a hotel room reading the Bible the whole time, your husband will be imagining you naked with some man the whole time and probably not even going to the play. I'd say it was wayyyy too fresh. Just my 2 cents worth. The trip would be a serious blow to an already very fragile relationship.


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## _mary

Well I might sound absurd or that I don't care about my marriage. I spent like 200 dollars on my ticket alone. May not be much but also enough where that is a waste. I'm even sure my h would be p.oed if I told him I wasn't going. I'm going with old work friends from the camp I worked at which contains people in thier 40s, my mom is even going.

I understand I am the one who needs to work. But you all don't understand how much I loved the dog. And even though you say you have dogs and me to be lime forget him and work on your marriage. That's the only reason why I did it. And I know I hurt my husband, but to take the one thing I had for punishment? Or whatever reason. Even if it just a dog, he was still apart of me.

I ordered books but they haven't came in the mail yet. 

He plays his game 24/7. If that is what he wants to do, fine? I can't improve myself or work on my marriage if he ignores me. I can't even walk passed him playin his game nethertheless ask him to teach me. He has been this way with his game even before me cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Mary, sorry to hear about the dog. I just put my Buster down last month. I'm not sure what hurt worse my WW cheating of loosing my dog.
Back in Aug. he just stopped eating and at 92lbs and 10 years old it was time I guess.
Damb I miss him!


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## MrQuatto

Well Mary, all I can say is that you continue to talk in excuses. Unless the rut changes, there will be no recovery and eventually you will be on here saying that it is over. 

The truly important question is, do you really want to save the marriage or not. To this point, I don't get that feeling, and if it is not the absolute top priority in your life, it cant and wont be saved.

Q~


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## _mary

How am I making excuses? I cheated, I'm workin on it.

The dog is not an excuse. He was the only thing I had. I'm home alone during the day and I might as well be alone when my h is home. How is it making an excuse for being sad I gave up my dog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

It's fine to be sad about the dog - I'd be crushed to. But if immediately after D Day my wife said drag the dog out in the street and shoot or I'm gone I'd have done it. The dog is not about being an excuse, it's about where your focus is.

This is an excuse...



_mary said:


> Well I might sound absurd or that I don't care about my marriage. I spent like 200 dollars on my ticket alone. May not be much but also enough where that is a waste. I'm even sure my h would be p.oed if I told him I wasn't going. I'm going with old work friends from the camp I worked at which contains people in thier 40s, *my mom is even going.
> *


Whoa - hang on. I just did the math on the play. You can't back out because you still haven't told your mom and you still don't want her to know - am I right??


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## the guy

I aggree with you Mary, You H needs to step up. Using your betrayal as an excuse to treat you like sh~t is not helping the M.

I don't understand why your H doesn't realize how fragile his marriage is and why he doesn't take the steps in preventing you from going back to your old behavaiors. 

A person can only take so much and I'm afraid you will go back some time in the future.

I'm hoping before you cheat again you tell your H its over, you may have to wait for his game to be over so he hears you.

And go get another dog!


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## Craggy456

sigma1299 said:


> Whoa - hang on. I just did the math on the play. You can't back out because you still haven't told your mom and you still don't want her to know - am I right??


 Probably


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## Shaggy

Mary, while it is true that you bare responsibility for cheating, and you are working on dealing with that blow to your marriage, it is reasonable to call him on not stepping up to work on the marriage. He doesn't get to withdraw from the game.

His playing games is an escape from the world and the reality he doesn't want to face.

It sounds like you two really need to rekindle your friendship and romance. Do you ever just go to a movie or class together? You do ever get out and hang with or another?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299

It's certainly true that he can't use her A as a reason to mistreat her, but maybe he's withdrawing because she's not genuinely doing the heavy lifting he needs. It is incumbent on her to start, to genuinely do what he needs to deal with the affair. If she does the work and he can't manage to deal with it then she'll have to decide if she can live with the impact that has on the marriage, but I don't think she's at that point yet. I just don't get the feeling that she's fully invested in reconciling, more like it's lip service. Sorry to be harsh but that's just the way it looks to me.


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## Gabriel

Offering to cancel the weekend is sufficient, IMO. If the husband says, "no, just go, I'm volunteering all weekend anyway," then she should go. 

My WW had two girls trips pre-planned before DDay. DDay on May 5th, first trip May 27th, next trip June 15th.

The May 27th trip was the one where she broke the no-contact and texted the OM while she was gone. I wanted her to cancel the trip before she left but didn't ask her to - felt it was her decision. That backfired. The June 15 trip had no issues and was fine.

Take that FWIW


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## turnera

_mary said:


> He made menget rid of the dog yesterday. He spread the word around and anwoman came to our door, saw the dog and like and hour later the dog was gone. I seriously *cried the whole night long*, *cried myself to sleep* and *still crying* this second. I seriously feel like *my best friend died*. And I'm just *surprised he actually wanted to get rid of him* and I thought he loved the dog like I did. He *was like my baby*, and *I treated that dog like it*. Every morning *I wake up and that dog is cuddling me*. My h is already gone at work and now I feel ever more so lonely. I told my h I wasn't mad at him I was just upset about the dog and *he just acted mad *throughout the whole evening.


No offense, but what the hell do you expect your husband to think and feel? You act like death washed over if you lose the dog, but threaten to lose your husband? Oh, I'll go to see Wicked.


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## _mary

Well I didn't act like death washed over if I lost the dog, i actually lost the dog. And even though he was just in another home, to me it felt like had died. That my heart was broken. When I confessed to my h about my cheating and when I think of loosing my h, I feel my heart breaking also..i was feeling a different kind of pain.. Even though it's both about loosing someone. I don't think it's selfish for feeling like death caught my dog and being upset he gave him away. It seriously felt like someone taking my own child away. I wasn't even mad at my h, just upset.

Well the people came back. And gave the dog back. Thier landlord said they couldn't have him. If I could tell you the relief I felt, I would. Like I could just feel my mood shift in the upwards direction. After they left I called my h and I told him and he didn't believe me. But when he came home and saw him, my h looked happy to see him. He seemed relieved as well. But I don't know. To me, this is a sign that we are supposed to have this dog. But I think my h might try again.. I dunno.

We do go out to eat and see movies a lot. I think we need to work on communication more. Like yesterday when I finally got through to him to turn off his game and let's have a serious talk, it was good. One of the best talks I think we've had since my cheating. I also told him that I didn't mind him aging his game but to maybe just limit from in being all the time so we could really just enjoy each other. He said he would 'work on it' so I guess that's all I could ask for.

I brought up skipping my wicked trip and he looked at me like I was freaking crazy. Since he knows how much I love wicked, and money went into it, that I would be crazy not to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI

I might be the only person, but I'm glad you have the dog back and I hope you refuse to give him up. Giving up a pet doesn't help anyone recover from infidelity. Your H seemed to be punishing you more than trying to repair the marriage. I can understand his gut reaction to punish you, though... especially since you're making excuses to avoid exposure, but it doesn't make him right. Call up your mother and start showing your H true remorse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Thats awsome the dog is back, a big blessing while you repair this fragile marriage.


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## sigma1299

Even I'm glad the dog is back. Sounds like you had a good talk - keep working on communicating with him.


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## Eli-Zor

You husband giving the dog away is not in the spirit of working on the marriage. Your affair was wrong, your husbands behaviour is also wrong. There needs to be some straight talking between you two on a way forward. While your husband is hurting from what you did he is also ignoring the obvious , even without your affair this marriage is going nowhere.

Focus on your marriage, practice radical honesty, spend at least 15 to 20 hours a week together with your husband , this is not tv time it is talking , walking together , holding hands time. You have to reignite the love between the two of you. Persist in requiring time with your husband , if he reject this in faviour of a game or other distraction then it is time to lay the facts on the table.

You had an affair ----this is wrong
Your husband is ignoring you ---- this is wrong
You guys do not spend enough time together ----this is wrong
You do not speak openly,with radical honesty to each other ---this is wrong

Both of you need to evaluate what you want and what both of your needs are ; read this link

Love Busters Questionnaire

Recovery is a together task , while you must do the heavy lifting your husband cannot expect to sit back and not do anything or adapt his behaviours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## _mary

Well...here I am and I thought I would come and give an update and maybe ask for advice and so on and so on. Sadly, this is not a good outcome. You guys seriously helped me out so much before..

Well about a month ago, a horrible evening happened. He came home from work. I had dinner ready and we ate together, we watched a movie together, we spent time together. I was going to start babysitting on of his co-workers child the next day so I wanted to go to bed early, so I got in the shower and when I got out he was sitting on the bed, looking sad. I asked what was wrong and that's when he coldly said it. That he was miserable with me and he was filing for divorce. He seriously packed my bags, gave me 60 bucks and made me wait on the porch for my friend to come pick me up. (Let me say that she lives 1 hour away).

He won't give me a reason. Of course, my cheating comes to mind, but I honestly think that is probably some of the reason but not the main reason. While at my friend's house, I called my mom and spilled everything. She came and got me and the next day, I got divorce papers in her mail box. He just keeps claiming he was just unhappy.

Now let me flashback what you all missed, we moved from that town and started new. I thought everything was going great, we were talking, not fighting, nothing. HE even decided he wanted to start trying to have a baby again. Then I got pregnant (but we didn't know) and one day I woke up in extreme pain and while he was at work all day, I passed out. When he got home from work, he found me on the floor and I woke up in the hospital about to have emergency surgery. I had a ectopic pregnancy and my falobian (sp?) tube burst and I was internally bleeding badly (resulting in two surgerys). He was there by my side. This happened around 5 months ago. I decided I wanted to take a break from the fertility drugs and just focus on us, since not being able to have a child was just depressing for myself. I am sure, he it was depressing for as well, I was just more vocal about it.

I'm not saying I wasn't happy because I truely believe he was. I'm not saying he wasn't a good husband, because I love him so much. But he refused to let me get my license or get a job. If the conversation came up, he would just shrug it off and say he didn't want me too. While with friends, family, etc. he would criticize me for not having a license or a job then when we would be by ourselves and give me a lecture on how he was kidding. He eventually did make me get rid of the dog. Which still upsets me to this day. 

At this point, I don't know what to do. How do you fight for someone who just doesn't want you to. I'm living with my mom and I'm looking for a job and I went and got my license (which he called and yelled at me for). He has called me for a booty called, which regretablly I did. I got on his facebook and even though he claims he isn't with anybody, his messages says something different...and it's with the girl I was supposed to babysit for. (what a coininendence). My divorce hearing is at the end of November. 

So where do I go on from here? I'm such in a bad mental state that I feel bi-polar, depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. I even took about 50 pills of the pain medication I had left over from my surgery, but obviously that failed. I can't really go to anybody to talk to because my mom just tells me to move on just like that. My husband just doesn't want to deal with me unless he wants something. I have one friend that I could confide in, but it might sound silly, but it's a guy and I can't feel nothing but guilty for even wanting to speak to him. I feel so stupid for being like a girl who is like if i can't have him, I just don't want to live but it's kind of like that. I know it will get better with time but it's just so how to motivate myself. I do have good days but my dramatic self is letting the bad days overcome that. I know I seem like a whining *****, but I am just finally letting everything out. Sorry if I seem to dramatic, I'm not really looking for attention just some advice on what I should do.


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## MattMatt

Do you think someone told him about your lover?

And you need counselling, ASAP.


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## workindad

I am very sorry to hear of the lost pregnancy and pending divorce.  Sounds to me like he found out about the cheating and just can't deal. It is a miserable thing to deal with. That young with no kids, I would have filed as well. I wish you both well.

WD


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## _mary

Sorry, I didn't just make a recap of this thread. Pretty much, the beginning of this thread..I cheated and I didn't know what to do after hearing advice, I told him about the affair myself, that day.


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## Plan 9 from OS

I feel bad for you OP. I didn't read the thread completely, so I don't know the extent of your infidelity aside from a half dozen times with your OM. But it looks like your husband never forgave you for the affair that you had. He took it out on you by belittling you over the license and job, and now it looks like he's cheating on you. I guess you get to walk a mile in his shoes now.


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## Kasler

workindad said:


> I am very sorry to hear of the lost pregnancy and pending divorce. Sounds to me like he found out about the cheating and just can't deal. It is a miserable thing to deal with. That young with no kids, I would have filed as well. I wish you both well.
> 
> WD


Agreed

I'm surprised the man lasted a year. For a BS to wake up and see the face of the betrayer every morning, during false I died a little inside each day. 

He probably realizes that hes miserable in a relationship with a cheater, and with no kids theres nothing to stay for since he doesn't want you. 

If he truly wants to walk, theres not much you can do about it.


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## _mary

I agree, my decision to cheat was the worst mistake I could have ever made...does that mean I don't have the right to be upset? Because I screwed up, means I deserve everything that is coming to me. I agree, a divorce is something I do deserve, being in pain is something I deserve. I however, don't think I deserve to think that he wanted to have kids with me, try, go through fertility treatment and then to be kicked out when I fail. Am I being selfish, be harsh. I don't care. 

I am a terrible person for hurting him the way I do. NO WAY am I condoming in what I did but I feel he was wrong in the way he handled *some* things.

I'm not asking for praise...I'm asking where I move on to this. How to make this pain to go away or do I deserve to stay in pain? If so, that's fine.


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## Kasler

^ What you should be doing is talking to him. 

Who knows, maybe he was hedging his bets on that child being the only thing good that could come out of the marriage. 

What I do know is that hes in a bad place and needs some individual counseling to get it out.


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## _mary

Sadly, he won't talk to me about us, really. All he says is that he was unhappy and that we are getting a divorce no matter what. He only really talks to me when he wants me to come over and have sex. I ask if we can work things out and he pretty much says that he wants the divorce but for me to wait and then we can 'start over'. But he is already with somebody else, so I don't even know what that means. I would say he is just telling me what I want to hear, but then why would he still want me to come over. When I try to call or talk to him about it, he just blows me off completely. I only see him in person now when he wants sex, which I stopped.


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## Lon

Mary, you certainly don't deserve to be mistreated, nobody does no matter how bad their choices/mistakes. That being said, his decision to ultimately divorce I don't consider the mistreatment part... it is the controlling behaviors he was exercising on you, like the dog fiasco, refusing to accept you getting your driver's license, and especially the revenge infidelity it seems he has done that is without question mistreatment. You both deserve a lot better, no matter what choices you make, problem is he never really made a choice, he used the trouble in your marriage as an opportunity to explore his dark side. Yes, betrayed spouses make mistakes, and may put you through a few hoops to regain your trust, but he obviously was not approaching it like that - I would have suggested that the hoops he was putting you through should have been enough to make you say that it's not worth it (and maybe that was his intent all along, to torture you over it and maybe push you away in shame).

Either way sounds like you have tried to be repentant and maybe even close to remorseful, he just cannot forgive - and that part is all on him, if he won't forgive then in my view the marriage is irreconcilable.

It is quite understandable that you have to deal with pain, in it unnacceptable for him to keep you in that spot and pile it on worse than it needs to be. Yes as the disloyal one I think remorse means shouldering a portion of the pain he suffered, it doesn't make you an emotional punching bag.

Sorry to hear of this, and I am also sorry to hear of your miscarriage and the medical trauma you went through. If you need to let go of the marriage, there is no shame in that, you've been trying to work at it, and it seems he is unwilling to forgive.


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## DavidWYoung

Hi, I will make this quick. Do not LIE any more, DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH YOUR HUSBAND! Tell your husband what you did and that you want to divorce him. Get a job, I do not care if it is WalMart. Start a small life and grow bigger each year, in ten years, I want you to come back to this forum and tell us how you are doing. Thanks David


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## Badblood

Well, Mary, I finally re-read your thread. One thing you should be aware of is that when people get married very young, they aren't equipped to deal with their issues. You are not alone. Many , many , young couples have had this kind of thing happen to them. What you can do and need to do, is improve yourself. So that nothing like this will ever happen to you again. I know you don't think so now, but you will get over this and will find someone new. Be sure that you are ready and self-supporting, and have good boundaries and you will be fine and have a good future . Good Luck!!


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## BjornFree

Not to excuse both of your actions, but take this as a learning experience. Wait for a few years and see your perspective of the world change. Then when you are all grown up (I don't want to sound like your grandpa here but I'm nearly 57 and I'd like to think that I'm all mature and grown up, of course my wife doesn't think so) you can get into a healthy and satisfying relationship.


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## Acabado

Alwasy, always, always choose self respect.
You forgot that when you cheated. Don't allow yourself to disrespect you further, not by you, not by your husband: Stop agreeing to booty calls. You won't be the OW. Period.

I'm sorry you are in pain.


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## Fvstringpicker

_mary said:


> I know I sound cold, but the but comes in cause I feel guilty, but...I feel guilty for not feel guilty enough.


I've been around long enough to know women don't feel guilty when they cheat. Your second sentence says it. You feel guilty (what wrong with me?) for not feeling guilty. 
Here's the answer. How can a woman feel guilty about the way she's treating her husband when she doesn't really love him; or as the saying goes, "not in love with him". You may as well fess up to it Mary. You enjoy the other guy better than your husband. The other guy satisfies something missing in your relationship that you will never find with your husband. You may stay because you've been taught to honor the (marriage) contract you now wish you'd never entered, and know you'll never find fulfillment. The truth is Mary, you want a baby's daddy, not a husband.
Yes you should tell your husband, while telling him you want a divorce so you both can find a relationship without so many parts missing.


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## jnj express

Hey Mary---right now you may not believe this---but your soon to be X---just gave you one very big present---he gave you your life back.

Hopefully you learned some lessons about life

You are now free to start over---take plenty of time and make some good choices

Truth be told, your soon to be X ---was controlling you, and you ended up cheating as a by-product

Don't ever subborn your youself to another human as you did to your soon to be X----good luck in the future---your life will get a whole lot better


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## BjornFree

jnj express said:


> Truth be told, your soon to be X ---was controlling you, and you ended up cheating as a by-product


Yes, credit goes to your x. Yes, he was controlling, you cheated because he was so controlling.


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## Decorum

Mary,
I read your thread and I find it quite disturbing.
You were a weak person with poor boundaries, and you gave in, that is who you are/were.

But you are still a valuable person!!!!

There is an honest and honerable way to leave a relationship rather than cheat, you did neither, 
But your husband faced a awful hardship because of your chesting, and in the end he has not behaved honorable either. That is on him.

I suggest you google "locus of control" and read a few articles on it, someone who has an external locus like yourself, how can I say it..., life just "happens to them", if you have an internal locus you will act to shape yourself and your life.

I really think you need to grow in this.

Im sorry for you and your husband, these things are so sad.

But you must learn to behave better, booty calls and all, are disrespectful to you, yes you are a cheater, but you want to be better than that dont you, (i know you have stoped them) i just want you to think through what kind of person you want to be.

I doubt your husband will take you back, 
but the lack of integrity (and self respect) you are showing before him
Is only confirming the weakness of your character, 
that works against what you want.
It does not hurt your chances to have self respect, it helps them.

You must grow from this or you will just keep falling into self destructive
Behavors. No one wants to see that.

Strive to gain an internal locus.

I wish you well!
Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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