# Advice for newlyweds



## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

Just a general question.

Does anyone have advice for newlyweds, just starting out?
Also before you get married, what are some ways to get prepared for marriage?

we've been long distance for 3 years. He will be coming to visit me soon this year. And meet my family and everything.
I thinking he is going to ask me to marry him this year, he's been hinting towards it, which i'm really excited about.
We're waiting until marriage; we're still very passionate towards each other. 

That's kind of the background.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Pre-nup.


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## magnificent27 (Jul 17, 2015)

minebeloved said:


> Just a general question.
> 
> Does anyone have advice for newlyweds, just starting out?
> Also before you get married, what are some ways to get prepared for marriage?
> ...



Long distance is so different than living together. Make sure you really know who you are marrying, not the image they are online or when you see them on trips/vacations...

full disclosure of the past.

Trust me, personal experience going from ld relationship to moving into together...


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Pre-nup.



Including terms for frequency and enthusiasm level for sex


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Good luck and congrats. That said, do not rush to have kids. First get to know each other. Make sure you can live for the rest of you life with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi, minebeloved.

I had a marriage of 8 years after being in a very long distance relationship for 5 (total of 13 years together). When I say long distance, I mean the length greater than that of the Atlantic Ocean.

My marriage wasn't meant to last, but there are definitely some things I believe I did completely right (for me) and some things looking back I could have done differently.

Young and/or inexperienced couples really avoid most of the things I've listed, but even couples marrying for the second time do not really think that the tough discussions apply to them. They think that each other is "mature" enough to "just know things." They think that love is all they need and the rest will fall into place. Really, complete honesty and FRANK DISCUSSION is what is needed in order to maintain that love in my opinion, even if you think you are both on the same page. Until you talk and discuss things at length, you are only assuming. Discussion before marriage brings a dose of reality to the honeymoon period in your relationship, but it is very important.

I'd have periodic heart-to-heart discussions, over a glass of wine, in a relaxed setting, in a NO-JUDGING ZONE. You are simply there to each share your thoughts and feelings on a number of topics that you will have to jointly face some day. It will likely bring to light things about each of you the other was not entirely aware of... some good and maybe some not so good... but the idea is to get those things out before you commit yourself to someone who right now is probably one, giant, chemical high.

1.) My top advice to you is, do not under any circumstances rush to get married if you become engaged after his next visit. If you really have not lived together for a length of time (at least 6 months) then you will not be prepared for what a life together means in terms of your personal space. To relate: I moved to my ex H's country after having been engaged for a few years, but my boundary was that we would not get married until at least 6 months of me living in the country with him. We actually married after 8 months of living together.

When (if) you live together, then my advice is that you live like you're married. You separate chores accordingly and each be responsible for your "things." You find a fair and equitable solution for paying bills. You each contribute and agree as to what is an acceptable contribution... say, if one of you works 60 hours a week and the other works 40. You learn to incorporate very important things like date night regularly (this will be extremely important to your relationship long term). Legally, you won't be married, but the reason I'd suggest you live like you are is that you will "test drive" the marriage. I personally will never live with a man who does not want to BE with me. So, I closely watch his ACTIONS to see if he will demonstrate good abilities in a partner I want to live with and share my life with (these "abilities" are on your personal list of must-haves....). Your possible soon-to-be should be assessing you in the same manner.

2.) Like Gus said, get a pre-nup. Even if you are young and don't have many assets right now, if you are going to have any inheritance from parents or other family members coming to you, it's important that you protect it. It's important that your possible soon-to-be protects his inheritance and any assets as well. There are other reasons for a pre-nup and it should NOT be viewed negatively. It's a protection for you both. I had no pre-nup for my first marriage (I was young, had little, and didn't really understand what it was for) but for my next marriage there is most certainly going to be a pre-nup in place. You should each have your own lawyer who will work with you and arrange to have your best interests protected.

3.) Talk at length about things that you think can "wait until later." It cannot wait until later.

- Talk about finances, the lifestyle you each want to live (just within your means, fairly extravagantly, really frugally, etc).

- Talk about DEBT either of you have, how marriage will affect the one not in debt, and how it is going to be handled (is it the primary responsibility of the one in debt or will it be a shared responsibility to manage?). Etc...

- Talk about parenting styles. Do you both want kids? When? (that is, if both or neither of you want kids. Note I say BOTH or NEITHER- you will NOT be compatible if one wants kids and the other doesn't because both of you will grow to resent the other.). If you both DON'T want kids, talk about what happens if you CHANGE YOUR MIND. Because, there is a very good chance you as a woman will change your mind in the future. You have to be open to the possibility. Two of my very good female friends since college swore up and down that they NEVER wanted children. I have ALWAYS wanted children. Guess what? One now has 3, the other has 2, and I have none (yet).

Make up scenarios: "If we had to discipline our child for him behaving like X, what would we each do?" Learn how each of you parent and what your boundaries are in terms of discipline. This is something you will have to be a united front on in the future.

- Talk about disaster. No one wants to talk about this, ever, but I think it's really important. This is the world we live in and it's good to know where you and your partner stand. What if one of you has a serious health issue in the future? What if one of you needs extensive medical care? Do either of you need regular medication already? How much are you willing to be a caretaker? Etc. Again, not something many people want to discuss because the topic brings with it such a negative connotation. Sometimes things happen down the line and we are caught in very stressful or mentally taxing places where we not only have to care for ourselves, but really advocate for and care for our spouse as well. If you have children, for instance, you would want your husband to advocate for you in the hospital while you're in labor. You want to know that he will be capable of doing this for you as you will not be in a good place to do it yourself.

There is more I could say, but I think the above is probably the most important that I have to offer. I'm sure others will weigh in as well with their pearls of wisdom. :corkysm60:


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

Satya said:


> Hi, minebeloved.
> 
> I had a marriage of 8 years after being in a very long distance relationship for 5 (total of 13 years together). When I say long distance, I mean the length greater than that of the Atlantic Ocean.
> 
> ...


This is a lot to digest, but definitely something I will read over and over again, and I will make sure to talk to him about these things. Thank you!!
We have discussed children, he wants one child, I'm praying for twins. I say I'm ok with only having one child, but the more I think about it I do want at least 2. So this is something I need to bring up to him. Who know if this is going to end up being a bigger issue down the line.

The disciplining children part is really important, that's something we are really going to have to talk about.
We've sort of talk about it, but not really in depth. It was more like him saying that he want our children to have freedom, but
at the same time, I feel like I'm going to be the only one enforcing discipline....which can end up being disastrous. Meaning the kid playing both side with us arguing with each other....I really don't want that.

I've talk to him about chores, but really I guess you will never really know how it plays out until you live together. He suggested living together, but I'm really against it. When he comes over this winter he will stay at my parents house in a separate room, so I can kind of get a glint of how he lives....but even that's not really enough I guess (And I understand your view point). This part is just something that we will really have to talk over. We sort of discussed this...I BASICALLY told him what I wanted him to do chores wise (bathroom and taking out the trash and cutting the grass) and he just agreed.

And speaking of the medical part. He's been having some really bad neck pains, and he's been going to the doctor every two weeks for shots, he has a herniated disk. They are wanting to do surgery on him....The recovery can be anywhere from 2months to up to a year. One slip of the doctors wrist can be life threatening and/or debilitating. I really don't want him to get the surgery and he really wants to get it. So he has to make his own decision on that, but at the same time if he ends up being paralyzed, I refuse to have children, if I am going to end up spending the rest of my years taking care of him. Children on top of that, really would be too much.

We both are debt free, but he said in the future (when his business starts reaching higher levels) he wants to borrow $100,000 for his business....that's a big risk.
I trust him, he already has a solid base for his business and he has money coming in, but he's not at that level yet. But he will get there someday, he's very driven. I also feel like I need to start saving now in order to pay that off in the future.

Reading through you're questions to ask has really brought some things to light. Marriage is not as easy as they make it out to be. Actually reading though the forums, I see that there are things that if they don't get fixed or talked about in the beginning, can add strain later on. Thank you very much for all of your suggestions. I'm definitely taking them ALL to heart.
With every question, I'm kind of having to think what type of person I am. How would I react? Is it in a selfish way or an uplifting way. Just so much to think about. I really need to work on my own character. I think I'm ready for marriage, but there are still things I need to work on personally before I say I do. I want to be a good wife, I want to do my best for my possible future family. And as you can probably see just by reading my responses I'm still a bit naive to a lot of things,but growth is a part of life, I just need to keep living.

Also Thank you everyone for your input. I welcome anymore advice!! Please! I take it in and try to stay humble.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Have fun ~ just like you did when you dating. Share time with each other ~ unlike money or wealth, it is the most precious of all commodities that you possess! Argue fairly and never belittle or name call. And always be the first to say "I'm sorry!" *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

magnificent27 said:


> Long distance is so different than living together. Make sure you really know who you are marrying, not the image they are online or when you see them on trips/vacations...
> 
> full disclosure of the past.
> 
> Trust me, personal experience going from ld relationship to moving into together...



*full disclosure of the past.*

This is big, definitely something that he's been hesitant to tell me.
For me he's my first boyfriend, he is my 'past' so to speak, but he's been around the bin and not a stranger relationships. So there's stuff he still hasn't told me. Is this something I should really pursue, for a relationship to be solid should he tell me everything?


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Have fun ~ just like you did when you dating. Share time with each other ~ unlike money or wealth, it is the most precious of all commodities that you possess! Argue fairly and never belittle or name call. And always be the first to say "I'm sorry!" *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is beautiful, Thank you!  
I will try to remember this!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

minebeloved said:


> Just a general question.
> 
> Does anyone have advice for newlyweds, just starting out?
> Also before you get married, what are some ways to get prepared for marriage?
> ...


Yes. Move this thread to Long Term Success in Marriage - Talk About Marriage and read other threads in that sub forum.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Yes. Move this thread to Long Term Success in Marriage - Talk About Marriage and read other threads in that sub forum.


gladly, but I don't know how to move it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The mods of the forum will likely see this and move it for you.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Caution and patience.
Seems like you're on the right path here. You've dated for a while and you're asking questions so be proud of yourself for that. It's important that you're bf steps up and does the same thing though so make sure he does.

Asumptions. 
First thing is don't make assumptions when you don't have to. We all have assumptions of what marriage is; how a husband acts; how a wife acts; what the marital goals are; how many kids we want; where we want to live; what our white picket fence looks like figuratively; how we wont to raise, parent, and discipline our kids; etc. We assume that we and our partners are on the same page with these things even without discussing it.

Preparation for the unknown. 
Be ready for the tough times because 'we don't know what we don't know'. Working through financial stress and dynamics of kids and parenting is a learning experience and it takes both partners stepping up for the relationship.

Expections balanced with compromise. 
Taking care of the relationship involves compassion and compromise but not compromising principles. Expectations and accountability for yourself and your partner are critical so you both need to know what these expectations beforehand (see assumptions above).

Common short and long term goals. 
- Why do so many marriage die after 15-25 years? One reason is that long term goals don't match up. Once the kids are raised and move out there are not many common goals left. One partner imagines the rocking chair and gardening while the other imagines trips to X and Y and Z.
- Will your bf be happy with a beater car and a nice house? Will you? You've gotta talk about it. Maybe he'd be happier with a lifted 4x4 while renting. 
- What's his and your ideas of careers? Do you want to work or be SAHM and if so then how long? Does he want you to work or be SAHM and how long? Do your career paths support your long term goals?


That was just a few things. 
- I suggests reading proven materials. IMO 'his needs / her needs' by Dr Harley is really good. To often we project our idea of what our partner need rather than meeting their needs. (See assumptions and goals above).
- If you know any older couples IRL who seem happy and mimic what you want then ask them together. Maybe you see an old couple holding hands in a restaurant. Ask them.
- How are your parent's relationship, his parent's relationship, your sibling's relationships? We bring our own baggage into marriage and it's often 'monkey see;monkey do' baggage. Talk about it and to avoid it.


That was about 1% of it .


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Don't forget that you love each other.


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

@Thudarr thank you so much for all of your advice. I really liked what you said here, "Taking care of the relationship involves compassion and compromise but not compromising principles."
That's something I really think is important for both of us. Coming from different backgrounds I think we both have a different standard of principles we will be bringing into this relationship. He's more relaxed, go with the flow. If I didn't say, 'no, I'm waiting until marriage before making-love' then he would be all for it. Things like that, he grew up different than I did, so our ideals a somewhat different. He's like a conservative hippi, I'm a conservative conservative....If you know what I mean. I'm not extremely up tight, but takes a little for me to unwind.



richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Don't forget that you love each other.


Thank you for this advice. It seems like a no-brainer, but I know you wouldn't have state that, if it wasn't that a married couple could forget. I will do my best to remember, everyday. And be thankful for ever moment, even the ones that don't make sense.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Minebeloved Congrats and Good luck I agree with everything being said especially by Satya but 1 more thing check each others credit reports and background checks. Extreme? maybe but not if u end up needing them. How old are ya'll? R you saying ya'll are virgins? One other thing i have noticed a lot of couples end up with the wife saying something and the husband just agreeing but not doing or understanding. Until you really get to know each other be prepared to explain in detail what you mean. Just like if you lived with someone who had a different first language. Take care


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## minebeloved (Nov 7, 2013)

Blaine said:


> Hi Minebeloved Congrats and Good luck I agree with everything being said especially by Satya but 1 more thing check each others credit reports and background checks. Extreme? maybe but not if u end up needing them. How old are ya'll? R you saying ya'll are virgins? One other thing i have noticed a lot of couples end up with the wife saying something and the husband just agreeing but not doing or understanding. Until you really get to know each other be prepared to explain in detail what you mean. Just like if you lived with someone who had a different first language. Take care


Haha wow, you kind of hit the nail on the head. He actually does speak a different language. Japanese, I've been studying/ speaking japanese for about 7 years now. He's learning English. He's 30 and I'm 26.I'm still a virgin in the sense that I've not had intercourse. He's not a virgin. Hmm I wouldn't know how to go about doing a credit report and a background check on someone from another country. I mean I usually have to do background checks for work, can I use the same company to do a background check on a foreigner?


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

That is a good question and another thing is the culture is different so make very sure before you commit that you know what each other expects from the other


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## magnificent27 (Jul 17, 2015)

minebeloved said:


> *full disclosure of the past.*
> 
> This is big, definitely something that he's been hesitant to tell me.
> For me he's my first boyfriend, he is my 'past' so to speak, but he's been around the bin and not a stranger relationships. So there's stuff he still hasn't told me. Is this something I should really pursue, for a relationship to be solid should he tell me everything?


And is "the past" still part of the present? Meaning, what attachements, communication, feelings, etc. does he have towards his ex gfs? If you are far apart, what, if anything, is he doing to keep (or not keep) in contact with these people from his past? You don't want to look paranoid or as if you don't trust him, but living under the same roof is different than 3 hour skype sessions and romantic get-togethers several times a year. 

Disclosure isn't prying into someone's privacy. Disclosure is understanding the character of the person you want to spend your life with...

Again, I give these words of advice since I did NOT seek full disclosure before marrying. I chose to accept that ex-bfs were "in the past" when they were still part of the present...

Just have a talk without sounding suspicious or accusatory. Say you want to understand why YOU are the one for him...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

I would wait at least 3 years to have children. Get to know each other FIRST, then have the kids.
Children will change your relationship in a MASSIVE way. Everyone always told me this and I would always say "yeah, yeah" not thinking much of it. Please take your time with the children and make CERTAIN you are a good match before you move forward.
If there are any problems, children will magnify those issues a factor of 10.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

minebeloved said:


> *full disclosure of the past.*
> 
> This is big, definitely something that he's been hesitant to tell me.
> For me he's my first boyfriend, he is my 'past' so to speak, but he's been around the bin and not a stranger relationships. So there's stuff he still hasn't told me. Is this something I should really pursue, for a relationship to be solid should he tell me everything?


Honesty and trust are the key so the most important thing here is that he doesn't lie so him saying that he's not going to answer is better than him pretending to answer but not. That being said, I don't understand why he wouldn't be forthcoming. I understand some people worry about being judged based on their answers but it's such flawed logic to want to be with someone you think wouldn't accept you so don't understand his thought process in not answering whatever you ask?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
my comment on remembering that you love the person is that it is easy to get caught up in trivial disagreements in marriage.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

1) BELIEVE IN DIVORCE AS A POSSIBILITY.

I'm not saying this because I'm jaded, or because I'm a jerk.

I see/hear a lot of people say, "I don't believe in divorce," and as a result put up with a lit of crappy and abusive behavior from their partner, and they won't leave, because they don't believe in divorce. And the abusive spouse knows s/he can get away with it, because they know the other will never leave because the other spouse doesn't believe in divorce.

BELIEVE IN DIVORCE, and make sure that your partner does, too. Treat your partner as well as you possibly can, because you know that if you aren't a good partner to him, that he can leave you. Make sure your partner knows that divorce IS an option for you, if he doesn't fulfill his end of the marriage contract. It's one thing for him to get you to marry him. It's another thing for him to actually KEEP you married to him.

I'm not saying threaten divorce at every transgression. You don't throw it around like a bouncy ball. Divorce is the A-Bomb. NEVER threaten divorce unless you are actually at your breaking point, and you are actually prepared to walk out the door and away from your marriage. But if you both know that's a possibility, you'll (hopefully) be more likely to nip things in the bud BEFORE they become divorce-initiating big.

2) CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES.

Your spouse will not be perfect. There will be stuff about him that annoys you, you will fight about things, etc. Learn to let the little things go. If he always drops his clothes on the same place on the floor and it drives you crazy, don't let it turn into a big argument... just put a hamper in that exact spot, and let it go. If you're type-A, learn to loosen up a little bit and be more flexible, or you will make yourself crazy.

3) NEVER STOP COURTING ONE ANOTHER.

This might be more for him than you. The wedding isn't the end game, and he doesn't get to stop wooing you once the ring is on your finger. The most successful marriages I've seen are the ones where the husband continues to court his wife even after they are married, where he never lets her forget how special she is to him, and always makes him feel like the most beautiful woman in the room. And for your part, never stop appreciating what he does as your partner, and make sure he knows.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Marriage brings familiarity. Familiarity brings your two biggest enemies--complacency and contempt. Guard against those.


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