# my sex life in our marriage has never been better but i know she is having EA.



## lotus27 (Jul 14, 2011)

My wife and i have had some hard times lately .We have been together for 23 years .And to be honest it has been briliant.She is the most sexy fantastic woman in the world to me,.Our sex life is explosive even better than when we were teens.But something happened six months ago.Something was not right i did something that i thought i would never do , i ,spy into her phone messages and into her facebook messages.I find two things out she is sending messages to a person male that are not arpropriate,the next between her= friend very personel and discussing also threesome with a unnamed male.,**** hits the fan.For the pa​st wo monthes all good ,but she now gards her phone she has also bought her own lap top giving up her imac .PRIVACY i now have no accesse
.Im nerveose. 









.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

She's hiding something obviously. What she's hiding is the million dollar question. Hiding anything in a marriage is bad. You've got two choices. Live with it. Or, tell her you can't live with it and she either has to give you full transparency and access to everything or the marriage is in serious trouble. If you choose the latter you have to mean it. There's only one reason to hide something from someone you love - you know they won't like it. Privacy is the opposite of intimacy and intimacy is a key part of a successful marriage.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

My wife also was hypersexual with me during her affair, so it's not uncommon with some

don't let the sex confuse you as it almost did with me

put a stop to to the affair now


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

This is the calm before the storm. Trust us, the people on this board as we have pretty much seen it all and been through it. This will ruin your marriage if you don't deal with it. The path towards a physical affair starts with the seemingly innocent texting, and messaging but will soon progress. 

If you want your marriage to last, confront her and start dealing with this very serious problem. Don't wait.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Agreed, my wife was flat out after me sexually while she was having her affair. I thought things were better because of this. If I had only known.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

That is actually quite par for the course with DS. If you had a relationship of occasional sex, what man would question or complain about an increase. It is a means of controling the situation. Your happier to be getting more sex, thinking she is more into you, all the while it is her way of keeping you asleep to the reality of what is going on.

My wife would also use sex when she got into trouble for things. The deeper the trouble, the more intense the sex. It worked well for her before I had a clue she had strayed. 

Both are signs to watch out for.

Q~


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

She's using increased sex to keep you distracted and also using you as a surrogate for her OM. Nothing like knowing that when she is having sex with you she is picturing if not wishing it were the OM.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Where are you Lord Mayhem - your list of things to check for is needed.
Here's a link to his list lotus:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/394540-post8.html


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The others are right you know. Your marriage is a cesspool of secrecy.

She's using you as a human dil*do during sex while thinking of this other guy.

She does what she does because she perceives that you are terrified to press the nuclear button, divorce. Like it or not my friend, you live in a one sided open marriage.


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## lotus27 (Jul 14, 2011)

h i all thankyou for all of your suggestions and advice ,a real eye opener ,all my reading on the interweb says women only think of cheating when in a loveless relationship, not a happy loving sexual relationship.This is what we have ,or maybe im wrong.This week my wife started a new job her 4th in six months ,she hopped jobs because she has her own home bussiness for 7 years.This job is very well paying but stresfull,this week she went to her girlfriends after work on monday 1st day new job ,there at 5 left at 7,sent me atyext,having a quick coffee with s (her friend ) 2 hours long coffee, after that she has been different all week,distant ,and not interested in sex (to tired) this is ok ,but she is not the same.Her girlfrend that she had coffee with is the same friend that i found her talking about threesmsoms .Herf behaviour this week is seriously changed.The conversation on the secrecy of her phone and computer has been sidelined by this change inbehaviuor.confrentation at this point seems dangerouse, maybe im wrong .thanks for the help and advice


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So why do you think she's cut you off all of a sudden . Is there something she doesn't want you to see? Sure am sorry this is happening.

How has her behavior changed?


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## lotus27 (Jul 14, 2011)

hi there ,had the big talk today ,confronted her on my worries her secret devices and how im not happy with all of this .the response is ,as i should have known ,i have the problem ,im not doing anything with anybody ,do you have any proof of your thoughts*(no i do not) ,so what are you are accusing me of???this left me slightly flat ,i had nothing , a hunch,, and only going back on things that happened in the past that we have discussed before, **** do i have to go down the track of servalence (cant spell it) im not in for that.to the question whats been different her affection for me (touching hugging small things that a life partner shares).she is different whether she ios having PA im not really sure.
thanks for the help regs lo 27


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lotus27 said:


> My wife and i have had some hard times lately ..
> ...But something happened six months ago.Something was not right i did something that i thought i would never do , i ,spy into her phone messages and into her facebook messages.I find two things out she is sending messages to a person male that are not arpropriate,the next between her= friend very personel and discussing also threesome with a unnamed male.,**** hits the fan....
> she now gards her phone she has also bought her own lap top giving up her imac .PRIVACY i now have no accesse
> .Im nerveose. .


You found inappropriate messages, waited because the sex was getting better and better (it usually does during WW affairs; it was with mine too), she cooled down on the sex so you decided to confront her -- correct?

She then denies anything - and you said you don't have 'proof'? What happened to those inappropriate messages to both the guy and to her gf??? 

Stand up for yourself, sir... she's turning this back onto you as if it's _your_ problem... so typical. Don't tolerate it, don't stand for it. if she's got nothing to hide, then she will hide nothing. Have her show you her email/phone/computer/chat/text history with full transparency. No yelling, call calm... but firm and clear that you will not stand for what you believe is happening. Fight for your marriage, because if what you've seen is true, there's more to it that you have yet to discover and has your marriage at high risk.

P.S. very little to go on, but my wild guess is she and this gf are too close, maybe into each other somewhat as well as boys?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

lotus27 said:


> Re: my sex life in our marriage has never been better but i know she is having EA.


If your Ok knowing that mentally and emotionally she is not having sex with you and her newfound vigor and explosive passion are a result of her being "in heat" for another man...

and since your not "in for survilence." and she will not tell you the truth. 

Then carry on....

It will all end soon. Maybe it already is... that's why your here.


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

She is following the WW script to the letter....

Start exchanging flirty little texts with the OM.
Make the texts/e-mails more to the point ('I wish you was here with me right now').
Exchange more lucid texts and naked pics. 
Complains about the spouse.

Just when you start to pick up the scent, she uses the one thing she knows that will throw you off; more sex. While you are thinking that things are all good because the sex has increased, she's secretly thinking of the OM's junk inside her every time the two of you hook up (which she has a half-dozen pictures of saved on her cell). If you so much as dare question her motives, she'll get offended and gas-light by saying that you have the problem. The next thing you know, she's cutting you off (sounds familar, doesn't it?) as her way of punishing you. She also starts guarding her phone like a first-day security guard. You'll never see her away from her phone, even going so far as to take out into the bathroom with it; that screams red flag. Meanwhile, she and the OM are setting up days off (when you're not) to meet up and looking at secluded hotels that take cash instead of plastic (they leave a paper trail). 

My man, you are going down a slippery slope. I and countless others have fell for this one hook, line, and sinker. I would strongly advise you to install a keylogger into any computer she uses at home and a VAR and GPS locator under the seat of her car. You might not believe in snooping on her but trust your gut instincts; what would she say if roles were reversed? Don't wait until you see messages like this doozie...

'I couldn't thank you enough for the 'meeting' we had last month. Guess you don't realize how bad you had for something until you get it.' Courtesy of my STBX...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

What's gaslighting mean? 

What's a VAR?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Gaslighting: false information is presented to the victim with the intent of making them doubt their own memory and perception. 


VAR= Voice activated recorder
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Gaslighting


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Good to know it came from an 1944 movie. Surprised I missed that one...Ingrid is a favorite of mine.

Could not figure out why that term was used!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

You need to establish what appropriate boundaries are for her and other men. Mine were: no contact with any other man outside of normal work related business. No contact outside of within a social setting such a gathering amongst other people and that included any conversations texting calls or private meetings. No girls night out including with gathering of work people in bars or other unless it was strictly women and no one chasing or accepting offers from men to talk or dance. No discussing her personal or marital concerns details whatever with any man. Any man asking these questions were to rejected staunchly. She was to notify me if there were any passes or conversation starters of this type and I mean immediately by cell phone with the persons name and where she was and then to leave even if it mean getting a cab because she rode there with no one else. On the OM side any contact of any sort was to be reported immediately and if she didn't we were done. She was to tell me if she had any desire to contact him. If she didn't file before any contact I would and in any case contact of any sort meant it was over. You need to lay down these rules and make sure she knows there are no second chances. The contact she has already is grounds for you filing. Lay it down HARD and stick to it. She doesn't believe you will stick to it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lotus27 said:


> h i all thankyou for all of your suggestions and advice ,a real eye opener ,all my reading on the interweb says women only think of cheating when in a loveless relationship, not a happy loving sexual relationship.This is what we have ,or maybe im wrong.This week my wife started a new job her 4th in six months ,she hopped jobs because she has her own home bussiness for 7 years.This job is very well paying but stresfull,this week she went to her girlfriends after work on monday 1st day new job ,there at 5 left at 7,sent me atyext,having a quick coffee with s (her friend ) 2 hours long coffee, after that she has been different all week,distant ,and not interested in sex (to tired) this is ok ,but she is not the same.Her girlfrend that she had coffee with is the same friend that i found her talking about threesmsoms .Herf behaviour this week is seriously changed.The conversation on the secrecy of her phone and computer has been sidelined by this change inbehaviuor.confrentation at this point seems dangerouse, maybe im wrong .thanks for the help and advice


Even worse the threesomes she is talking about do not include you. 

Things have escalated for her. You should not accept her PRIVACY. You have allowed herto move further and further away from you. You must tell her that the lack of transparency is unacceptable to you. You waiting to act has enabled this situation.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lotus27 said:


> hi there ,had the big talk today ,confronted her on my worries her secret devices and how im not happy with all of this .the response is ,as i should have known ,i have the problem ,im not doing anything with anybody ,do you have any proof of your thoughts*(no i do not) ,so what are you are accusing me of???this left me slightly flat ,i had nothing , a hunch,, and only going back on things that happened in the past that we have discussed before, **** do i have to go down the track of servalence (cant spell it) im not in for that.to the question whats been different her affection for me (touching hugging small things that a life partner shares).she is different whether she ios having PA im not really sure.
> thanks for the help regs lo 27


Her lack of transparency with her change in behavior is all you need.

Her asking you if you had proof is a huge red flag.

Do you have children?

What does your wife do for a living?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> If your Ok knowing that mentally and emotionally she is not having sex with you and her newfound vigor and explosive passion are a result of her being "in heat" for another man...
> 
> and since your not "in for survilence." and she will not tell you the truth.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You talked with her. She denied. You know better, and your gut knows she is now doing threesomes that don't involve you.

You don't want to do surveillance. ok, good for you. Instead go see a lawyer Monday. Your wife clearly is cutting you out of her life, now it's time for you to show her you won't be a door mat, you won't be lied to, and you won't accept her secrets.

Remember you can always cancel the divorce proceedings if she opens up and comes clean. But right now it's your only option left, as she is clearly running into other relationships and leaving you out.

You can't whine and negotiate her return to the marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Looks like the OP got banned.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Looks like the OP got banned.


Wow


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Looks like the OP got banned.


Most bans are 30 days. Maybe he'll be back.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Simon Phoenix said:


> While you are thinking that things are all good because the sex has increased, *she's secretly thinking of the OM's junk inside her *every time the two of you hook up _Posted via Mobile Device_


That has got to be the rudest statement I've ever read.

Honestly...it's only true if the OM is a better lover. 

If that be true, then lets hope she can put your face on his in her trigger memories.

And let's hope between a married couple it is more than a 'hook up.'


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> That has got to be the rudest statement I've ever read.
> 
> Honestly...it's only true if the OM is a better lover.


Not rude, brutally honest and probably accurate. That was my first thought when I read the thread. Been there, done that. It has nothing to do with who is the better lover, it has everything to do with who she's emotionally connected to. Sometimes the truth or possibilities hurt like hell but need to be stated anyway.


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

Wanting more sex than normal might be she is getting horny at the thought of doing "other" things with someone. Having sex with you is a release for her. Once she goes to the other source for a release she doesn't need your services anymore.....hence cutting you off.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

AMplexor and It happened - AMplexor I'm shocked. That is the kind of bull NO ONE needs to be subjected to. I don't care if it's POSSIBLY true or not - it's abusive and NASTY to the OP. You suppoorting it beyond comprehension and you damn sure shouldn't be a moderator with that attitude!
___


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

8yearscheating said:


> AMplexor and It happened - AMplexor I'm shocked. That is the kind of bull NO ONE needs to be subjected to. I don't care if it's POSSIBLY true or not - it's abusive and NASTY to the OP. You suppoorting it beyond comprehension and you damn sure shouldn't be a moderator with that attitude!
> ___


Sometimes the truth hurts. I am quite sure that's what happened in my case. I realized it, I dealt with it, I got passed it. Did it hurt when I figured it out, hell yes it did. While Simon Phoenix's descriptions might be a bit on the vulgar side the possibility exists that that was exactly what was going on. The purpose of the forum is to get outside opinions on what is going on in someone's relationship. What's cruel or abusive in suggesting that she has upped her game in bed because she is fantasizing about another man? Hasn't fantasizing about others during sex been an issue discussed many times in the forum? It took me more than three years to recover my marriage and I didn't do it with with sugar cookies and candy-canes A lot of it was dammed hard, a lot of it hurt like hell, a lot of it was recognizing my wife's faults and well as my own. Moderator or not, I'm not here to pat the OP's wrist while blowing sun shine up his butt.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Unfortunately, even spouses that are faithful sometimes indulge themselves with fantasizing about making love to another person while having sex with their spouse.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It happens anyway in very long term marriages. Thinking on another while with your spouse. Who ever thinks they can keep their sexual passion and desire for one woman or man continuous and for decades at a time is I feel woefully mistaken. The motivations for thinking on another are what really counts. And of course, actually going with another is something diferent again.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Yes but rubbing the OPs nose in it is out of line especially the way Simon did it. Reminds me of the off hand posts by Lord mayhem. What value does it serve? DO you not think there is a more subtle way to get the same point across besides a kick in the ribs while the OP is already down and struggling to get back up?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

8yearscheating said:


> Yes but rubbing the OPs nose in it is out of line especially the way Simon did it. Reminds me of the off hand posts by Lord mayhem.


As I stated, I felt SP was pretty harsh but saw no violations to forum rules. And based on his other posts he's smarting pretty hard form his own situation. Normal for people to be angry after being betrayed. Same with LM who finally went too far and was banned.

My post was simply my gut reaction to his situation as it echoed off the canyon wall of my own. That's how I saw it. 

The moderators spend plenty of time cleaning up threads, warning and banning member. Many posts are deleted before more than just a couple of posters see them. I stand by my decision to offer a not so pleasant possibility in this one. Sorry if you disagree 8, but I understand what you are saying and why.

As far as the OP, I wouldn't worry about him. He was banned shortly after this thread for opening another and demanding that the censor software be turned off so he could use words like ****, ****, ****, *****, **** and ****-head. I don't think he was easily offended.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

I think you have to consider both the OP and the other readers. As you can see from my posts in this thread, that thought clause stuck with me and I came back and commented on it. I've seen equally harsh things (and they were in harsh thread). This is not a harsh thread...and...well, you know.

There are things to say, and ways to say them to get the point across. 

So, is the OP on a perm ban? I know Mayhem is able to return in about 20 days. 

Scarlet


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

ItHappenedToMe said:


> So, is the OP on a perm ban? I know Mayhem is able to return in about 20 days.
> 
> Scarlet


Yes it was permanent. Basically he was arguing that he had a right to break forum rules so he needs to find a forum that better fits his personality.


OBTW, did you know the spell checker tries to replace your user name with Appendectomy?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

8yearscheating said:


> Yes but rubbing the OPs nose in it is out of line especially the way Simon did it. Reminds me of the off hand posts by Lord mayhem. What value does it serve? DO you not think there is a more subtle way to get the same point across besides a kick in the ribs while the OP is already down and struggling to get back up?


You are safe here, as are others, because of Amplexor and the other moderators. It is because of these people, their values, beliefs and behaviours that TAM is as good as it ever gets. I know you know that deep inside of you.


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## ItHappenedToMe (Aug 5, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> Yes it was permanent. Basically he was arguing that he had a right to break forum rules so he needs to find a forum that better fits his personality.
> 
> 
> OBTW, did you know the spell checker tries to replace your user name with Appendectomy?


Too bad it's permanent. And that he didn't [email protected] en0ugh t* [email protected] [email protected] @r0und the sc33n3r! 

I've not installed the forum spell check software on this computer. That's pretty funny! Can you 'add to dictionary?' Must be something to do with the syllables.

Grandpapa always said that strings of cursing was an uneducated man expressing himself emphatically!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Lotus----let's start---but 1st you need to have some consequences ready to go before you actually start anything

1st there is no expectation of PRIVACY in a mge., when she took vows with you, she agreed to be an open book, you to her---her to you---if she wanted privacy she should have stayed single

2nd you have already been told about her increased sex---it is just there to keep you mollified, and from being suspicious

You have to understand when she is out and about she could be doing anything to/with anybody----you might never have known, cept, she has tripped up, you have seen incriminating evidence, and your gut is telling you things are happening

The 4 hour gap away from home with her GF, that wants to do 3somes with---I am willing to bet the 3some happened----only one way to find out in re: that, and that would be to make her take a poly, after you confront.

You can also use all the various tracking/recording devices---you can use a PI---you can become super conscious of her every movement, and every expression----you should by now, know when she is lying to you-----you can track her comings and goings, and cellphone activity, which still may not get you anything, if she is out and about and doing her own deceitful planning.

She is on to you---so she has probably gone underground---other question is, what kind of cheating is she doing---with one guy, or random guys just for sexual satisfaction, that's probably what a 3some would have been

Continued contact with one male---that's a different story---she is in an EA, or an EA that has gone PA----actually her GF, could be enabling her to have the A., also, I E---the use of her GF as an excuse to be away for that 4 hour gap of time.

You need to become very vigilant, become a master detective and keep things to yourself---TILL YOU HAVE THE ACTUAL PROOF YOU NEED

Do not go after her phone, and computer till you are ready to confront, then brush aside any protests she might have with the no privacy in a mge., card.

Right now also be attuned to her demonizing you, to justify what she is doing, along with her increased sex.

Just take care of yourself, and stay mentally with it.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

THIS OP HAS BEEN BANNED.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Bump
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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