# Man caught red handed "we're just friends"



## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

There have been a few threads lately of wayward spouses claiming the "we're just friends" excuse. I thought this was a good example of how insidious people can become and how blind their spouses can be.

Ryan's Roses Amanda - YouTube


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My WS used this excuse in 2010 with an EA and then again in 2011 with an EA/PA. I did not buy it. Of course I had evidence.

2010 - confrontation - her: "oh that, we are just friends, we were just doing innocent flirting". Me: "oh yea, read the emails". Her: as she is reading the emails from her, "do not break up with me!". "Please don't" "I love you", "I have feelings for you" "I know what we did was wrong but I love you and we can work through it".,,,Etc..JUST FRIENDS YEA RIGHT.

2011 - Her: "we are just friends" "We just kissed" then "WE HAD SEX!!!!!" 


Yea, Beowulf these were just friends.

In my case I was not blind to the "we are just friends excuse".

But you are right about posters here. I do not get it how people buy into that excuse. Of course we are the BS and having spent any amount of time here on TAM we become educated and soon we see it all and see the patterns.

The other thing that pisses me off are the posters who say, "I know I was wrong but I checked my wife's/husband's computer, phone, FB (you name it) and found THAT HE/SHE is cheating on me." Why the hel* are they so apologetic and saying they are wrong for checking their spouses stuff?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> The other thing that pisses me off are the posters who say, "I know I was wrong but I checked my wife's/husband's computer, phone, FB (you name it) and found THAT HE/SHE is cheating on me." Why the hel* are they so apologetic and saying they are wrong for checking their spouses stuff?


It's a form of insecurity.

They are typically young people with little life experience who've been taught the values of privacy and respecting the others. But there's time and place for everything, and unfortunately finer, inconvenient nuances of life when you *should* put your interests first are skipped in the school.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

snap said:


> It's a form of insecurity.
> 
> They are typically young people with little life experience who've been taught the values of privacy and respecting the others. But there's time and place for everything, and unfortunately finer, inconvenient nuances of life when you *should* put your interests first are skipped in the school.


Most folks have a trusting nature would be my best guess. Alls fair in love and war as they say based on past life experiences I am transparent with my spouse and she with me These areas should be discussed and not ignored even in a blossoming romance. If i suspected my spouse of cheating then in my terms the gloves are off so to speak and all is fair besides i wouldnt expect any privacy in a marriage except when in the bathroom.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

snap said:


> It's a form of insecurity.
> 
> They are typically young people with little life experience who've been taught the values of privacy and respecting the others. But there's time and place for everything, and unfortunately finer, inconvenient nuances of life when you *should* put your interests first are skipped in the school.


Wait ....you're saying NOT spying is a form of insecurity? Hmmm.

Perhaps they've also been taught the values of respecting the law. It's not my place to tell people to spy or not spy, but I do find it sometimes troubling that so many here eagerly tell others to break the law (such as with VARs, keyloggers, GPS, hacking emails, etc.) without at least giving fair warning that they would be, you know, breaking the law.
If that's what someone feels is necessary, they can certainly make that decision. But they should at least be aware of the potential consequences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When Hubs and I got back together, he was chatting with a friend from work. A female. I didn't get upset, he didn't get defensive. He looked shocked when I asked if there was anything going on with her. 

We had a BIG talk about emotional affairs, which I think he was talking to her during our separation. Fine. Nothing I could do about that, however, I wanted him to know the signs of an EA and what can happen. 

We googled EAs and talked about them and he was SHOCKED. He said he had no idea that EAs existed...and how fine the line is between friendship and EAs. He was puzzled. He thought affairs were only sexual.

We talked a lot that night about EAs and the whole time, he was open to talking about it and then was a little sheepish. He said they only talked about work and her issues (which I believe beause he's private) but he said he didn't realize EAs existed. He liked her as a friend, but could see how more contact could cause more (this talk was 4 months ago) He really thought about it.

Slowly, after that conversation, I noticed he talked to me EVEN MORE than he had been (and we'd been communicating really well) and his phone was left around more. Now, his phone is always on its dock when he's home and yesterday he had me answer it.

Whether or not he was in an EA is not my concern. My concern was even though he truly believed they were just friends (hubs has always had female friends), I wanted him to know what an EA was. I trusted him but did NOT trust her. At all. I guess he saw the problems in their conversating and nipped it. 

Educate your mates. Talk about what constitutes an affair TO YOU. Not to society. TO YOU. He and I now have CLEAR boundaries with the opposite sex. We never had that before. We just had jealousy...that's no good.

Never told anyone that before. lol. I'm proud of what Hubs and I have worked through. We've never been closer and I think it took getting through all that crap and talking about all the hard stuff (WITHOUT blame or fighting) that really helped us connect.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Wait ....you're saying NOT spying is a form of insecurity? Hmmm.


Way to pull a straw man Frank, and as an educated person you don't have an excuse of doing it unwittingly.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Wow that guy is up SHAT creek, hmmm bet he will be eating at Chilis quite a bit now....


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

It is not breaking the law if I put a keylogger on my computer because it is mine I can put whatever I want on it. ( I do not have one yet) Anything taken off my computer is not breaking the law.

Is it wrong that while listening to the man get caught that I was laughing??


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## naperken (Feb 21, 2012)

My wife's EA/semi-PA (kissing) started out as 'just friends' with an ex co-worker.

We're reading _Not 'Just Friends'_ together. Has been a real eye opener for her.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I fought and fought the comment "we are just friends & business acquaintances" stating "nothing wrong is going on" and "trust me, she lives 4 states away!" He would tell me that I have always been a jealous person and just because she is of the opposite sex didn't mean they couldn't have a "friendship." Well I KNEW my gut instincts weren't wrong and there was an EA. I have no clue if more (they were both in Vegas alone-she is single). He claims not but maybe more will come out? 
He was going through a male mid-crisis so I was trying to be supportive and understanding. Yet the EA with this gal didn't end he only got "smarter." Then he was in the habit of letting his married radar down and he ended up kissing a girl. SOOOO... 
Thankfully we are in R and will attend our first couples MC this coming Monday.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

snap said:


> Way to pull a straw man Frank, and as an educated person you don't have an excuse of doing it unwittingly.


I agree with Frank. Those who are afraid of the truth don't go looking for it.


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## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Kurosity said:


> It is not breaking the law if I put a keylogger on my computer because it is mine I can put whatever I want on it. ( I do not have one yet)


You can install a keylogger, but you can't use it to access another's communications (except for a child). You would be unlawfully monitoring another's communications. 
Do you believe you can record your wife's phone conversations because they take place on the family phone?
Can you open your neighbor's mail if the postal carrier accidentally delivers it to your mailbox?

Again, I'm not telling people what to do or what not to do. But I do think it's best people make these decisions with full knowledge of the potential consequences.
Is that bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

FrankKissel said:


> Wait ....you're saying NOT spying is a form of insecurity? Hmmm.
> 
> Perhaps they've also been taught the values of respecting the law. It's not my place to tell people to spy or not spy, but I do find it sometimes troubling that so many here eagerly tell others to break the law (such as with VARs, keyloggers, GPS, hacking emails, etc.) without at least giving fair warning that they would be, you know, breaking the law.
> If that's what someone feels is necessary, they can certainly make that decision. But they should at least be aware of the potential consequences.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I find here on TAM is that the typical advice is that if you are going to do these things check with an attorney. I did. I did not break the law when I put a GPS on my wife's car, or got passwords off her computer, or put a keylogger on her computer, etc. And to be honest, I would not have given a rat's as* if it was illegal.


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## me2pointoh (Jan 31, 2012)

that_girl said:


> We googled EAs and talked about them and he was SHOCKED. He said he had no idea that EAs existed...and how fine the line is between friendship and EAs. He was puzzled. He thought affairs were only sexual.
> 
> We talked a lot that night about EAs and the whole time, he was open to talking about it and then was a little sheepish. He said they only talked about work and her issues (which I believe beause he's private) but he said he didn't realize EAs existed. He liked her as a friend, but could see how more contact could cause more (this talk was 4 months ago) He really thought about it.
> 
> Whether or not he was in an EA is not my concern. My concern was even though he truly believed they were just friends (hubs has always had female friends), I wanted him to know what an EA was. I trusted him but did NOT trust her. At all. I guess he saw the problems in their conversating and nipped it.


This was really good. My h did not want to buy that his friendship was any kind of A - couldn't be if it wasn't PA. Eventually he came around. We are reading "Not Just Friends" together also and he's finding it painful to come to terms with the fact that the story unfolding was so... clearly textbook typical. The development of their friendship, going to her for marriage talk (advice? comfort?), conspiring to keep a secret from me (he says that's when he knew it was wrong), hysterical bonding, and the fog.

Of course, then there's the atypical ADHD part that drives me crazy.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

FrankKissel said:


> You can install a keylogger, but you can't use it to access another's communications (except for a child). You would be unlawfully monitoring another's communications.
> Do you believe you can record your wife's phone conversations because they take place on the family phone?
> Can you open your neighbor's mail if the postal carrier accidentally delivers it to your mailbox?
> 
> ...


Just to be crystal clear, here is a link to a site that has all the Electronic Surveillance Laws by state. What FrankKissel says here is not incorrect and yet what Thorburn says is not incorrect either. That's because the laws are different in every state. 

For example, in some states, if I own the vehicle I can put a VAR in the car and record anything in the car. However in other states, even if I own the car, one of the parties in the conversation has to KNOW they are being recorded and has to give their permission. So in State #2, I could record a convo between spouse and myself, and as one of the parties I would know I am recording and I could give my permission; however I could NOT record a convo between spouse and anyone else, because neither party would KNOW or give permission!!

In some states, if you own the computer you can add a keylogger (or if the two of you own the home computer as mutual marital property)--in other states you can't. In some states, if you both own the home computer as marital property, and you both use the computer, and you both have a list of each other's passwords--then YEP you can go into your spouse's email and read them. In other states you can't! 

Thus it is ALWAYS wise to check your state first and know what is or is not legal...and what would or would not be admissible evidence. For example, some people want to find out the truth even though they would never be able to use it in a court of law as evidence. So BE INFORMED--and then make decisions accordingly!


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