# To all of you who have been successfully married... Please help me!



## mishu143

Hi everyone, 

I am two years post affair with my husband and he still hasn't admitted he f**ked up. Instead I am suffering horrible mental anguish. I want to leave. I am done with his behaviors. I'm done trying to defend every move I make. Even if I go to the grocery store I am doing something wrong. He needs to know the exact stores I went to, the exact time, etc. I swear it is all to catch me in a lie I didn't create. I'm really fed up. I feel like i am paying for his insecurities, and in the last few months he's gotten this kick of "I am the man of this house I control everything". 

I'm home with my kids, don't work, we are nowhere near rich, nowhere near middle class because we are saddled with debt he came home with. We are always broke because he doesn't manage the money well. He says I'm in charge of the money but I find that laughable when all i can do is pay bills on his behalf. I can't control whatever is left over, he does. He's taken it to the extreme of him making me ask for money or even account for the little bit he does give me. When I have cash on hand he takes it, and then tells me I wasted it all. 

The mind games are unbearable, as I mentioned above I get blamed for everything he spends, I get blamed for cheating, andi get blamed for everything wrong with him. I'm so sad that it hurts my heart. 

I am sad because I know many have told me to leave, but I have committed myself to this marriage and believed in it like no other person I have met has. I took him back even when I knew I shouldn't. I dealt with his lies because he is just a damn liar, I deal with his double standards (he can go hang out with his buddies but I can't). I'm tired of being controlled on when and where I can do things.icant even go to the community gym just to avoid him making horrible comments about me. 

I'm sad because I want to leave him and I feel wrong about it. I'm sad because I know I've no choice and I am sad about it. I'm sad because he ruined my credit (I know I allowed it to happen), didnt support me to finish my degree, doesn't support me to lose weight, doesn't support me to quit smoking, instead he waves things in my face and laughs when I give in. I feel like a pathetic a*s and I know I am because even though all this is happening some sick part of me wishes a miracle would happen. Three years since I've joined this site, it hasn't happened. 

I'm sad because I went back to therapy like so many recommended and was told to not just leave him, but to run like hell. Anyone go through this? 

My first steps to get a job obviously, and to try to save up whatever I can scroung to finally pay a lawyer and have him removed from my home. I'm sad you guys. I really am. I love him, but he doesn't care because he says he loves me but his actions and words tell me I am not to be trusted, but he's the one who cheated, the one who still lies, and delete msgs. I'm sad. 

My kids are too. My son who is older is now for the second time asking his dad to leave mommy alone. That every time he asks me a question we fight and he doesn't want us to fight. Instead of this giving my husband a wake up call, he tells the kids to shut up and that is isnt his business. i a'm sad. Very sad

How did so many of you even get to the point of fixing, if possible, any marriages...?


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## ConanHub

I'm sorry for you but it takes two committed people to fix a broken marriage.

Your husband doesn't want to fix it. I'm sorry but you can't make him want to fix it.

He is not only harming you but your children as well. I wish you the best, be strong for your children, think of them. You deserve to be loved and your husband is not loving you back.

Your marriage will not be fixed ever, if he won't work on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143

ConanHub said:


> I'm sorry for you but it takes two committed people to fix a broken marriage.
> 
> Your husband doesn't want to fix it. I'm sorry but you can't make him want to fix it.
> 
> He is not only harming you but your children as well. I wish you the best, be strong for your children, think of them. You deserve to be loved and your husband is not loving you back.
> 
> Your marriage will not be fixed ever, if he won't work on it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you conanhub, I know you are right. As a matter of fact I tried to get him to answer me about a simple equation on money that doesn't make sense.... But he can't.... He says he loves me, he says he cares, he says he says he says but his actions suck, when he does want to be nice and love me its after he screwed up and I'm angry for him degrading me once again.... 

I know what I have to do.... I'm sorry to blabber but the sadness is very deep. I feel like a fool and a failure.


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## Bobby5000

You can start with an apology for your affair, offer a commitment to fidelity, and then ask him if we wants to start addressing his problems and the issues with the marriage. If he says you are the only one who did something wrong, then say fine, I disagree, let's make arrangements for an orderly and amicable divorce. If you want to stay married, I offer fidelity, but you need to offer change and improvement also.


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## lifeistooshort

Bobby5000 said:


> You can start with an apology for your affair, offer a commitment to fidelity, and then ask him if we wants to start addressing his problems and the issues with the marriage. If he says you are the only one who did something wrong, then say fine, I disagree, let's make arrangements for an orderly and amicable divorce. If you want to stay married, I offer fidelity, but you need to offer change and improvement also.



Why do you assume she cheated? The only reason a guy can be a controlling pr!ck is because his wife cheated? According to her he's the one that cheated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143

Bobby5000 said:


> You can start with an apology for your affair, offer a commitment to fidelity, and then ask him if we wants to start addressing his problems and the issues with the marriage. If he says you are the only one who did something wrong, then say fine, I disagree, let's make arrangements for an orderly and amicable divorce. If you want to stay married, I offer fidelity, but you need to offer change and improvement also.


@bobby, Did you read my post? he cheated on me!!! HE CHEATED ON ME AND HAS MADE MY LIFE IMPOSSIBLE SINCE THE BEGINNING OF OUR RELATIONSHIP ONLY TO MAKE IT WORSE AFTER I TOOK HIM BACK!!!! HE CHEATEDD!!!


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## mishu143

lifeistooshort said:


> Why do you assume she cheated? The only reason a guy can be a controlling pr!ck is because his wife cheated? According to her he's the one that cheated.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


@lifeistooshort..... thank you!! he/she didn't read it maybe?? I don't know, but thank you, my husband is a prick, after all ive been through with him im tired and fed up giving up myself for someone who still thinks im something I have never been!! I AM NOT A TRAMP and he doesn't seem to get it through his thick skull. Last Night he stalked me at the supermarket and saw a male jehovahs witness pas m a pamphlet about their religion, and then giving my cart to the cart guy. Not only did he stalk me, he then began the interrogation about my two male interactions and saying that after I handed the guy my cart I turned around to continue to stare at him (which i did not). so obviously his mind is out of whack and I cant do anything else. 

I am exhausted, later in the night we fought about his stalking incident, in which he proceeded to deny what he did an then accused me of being on drugs and telling me I am crazy, told me i was lucky i lived in the USA because anywhere else in the world i would have gotten my ass beaten for be so stubborn and such a b**ch. Go figure. I walked out of my house sat in my car and read my bible. I came back up and then he left. Didn't come home till 3am.I left early this morning and haven't seen him since. 

The sad thing is, is that this morning he still asked me to come back into bed and cuddle with him. I couldn't and i didn't. Im so disgusted at his behaviors towards me. 

Yet im still so sad that i have to leave him because he wont own up to how he is treating me and change it. All the IC has done for him is make him think that all the women in his life have taken his balls away. His insecurities are scary.


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## romantic_guy

I am really sorry you are going through such hell. I believe for any marriage to work BOTH partners need to be emotionally healthy or working on his or her own life to become emotionally healthy. It sounds like he has no intention of ever becoming healthy. If that is the case, you really have no choice as difficult as that is. Your children will be better in a one parent home, if that parent is working toward emotional healthiness than in a two parent home that is full of conflict. I came from the latter and it took a toll on my life.


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## Caribbean Man

mishu143 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I am two years post affair with my husband and he still hasn't admitted he f**ked up. Instead I am suffering horrible mental anguish. I want to leave. I am done with his behaviors. I'm done trying to defend every move I make. Even if I go to the grocery store I am doing something wrong. He needs to know the exact stores I went to, the exact time, etc. I swear it is all to catch me in a lie I didn't create. I'm really fed up. I feel like i am paying for his insecurities, and in the last few months he's gotten this kick of "I am the man of this house I control everything".
> 
> I'm home with my kids, don't work, we are nowhere near rich, nowhere near middle class because we are saddled with debt he came home with. We are always broke because he doesn't manage the money well. He says I'm in charge of the money but I find that laughable when all i can do is pay bills on his behalf. I can't control whatever is left over, he does. He's taken it to the extreme of him making me ask for money or even account for the little bit he does give me. When I have cash on hand he takes it, and then tells me I wasted it all.
> 
> The mind games are unbearable, as I mentioned above I get blamed for everything he spends, I get blamed for cheating, andi get blamed for everything wrong with him. I'm so sad that it hurts my heart.
> 
> I am sad because I know many have told me to leave, but I have committed myself to this marriage and believed in it like no other person I have met has. I took him back even when I knew I shouldn't. I dealt with his lies because he is just a damn liar, I deal with his double standards (he can go hang out with his buddies but I can't). I'm tired of being controlled on when and where I can do things.icant even go to the community gym just to avoid him making horrible comments about me.
> 
> I'm sad because I want to leave him and I feel wrong about it. I'm sad because I know I've no choice and I am sad about it. I'm sad because he ruined my credit (I know I allowed it to happen), didnt support me to finish my degree, doesn't support me to lose weight, doesn't support me to quit smoking, instead he waves things in my face and laughs when I give in. I feel like a pathetic a*s and I know I am because even though all this is happening some sick part of me wishes a miracle would happen. Three years since I've joined this site, it hasn't happened.
> 
> I'm sad because I went back to therapy like so many recommended and was told to not just leave him, but to run like hell. Anyone go through this?
> 
> My first steps to get a job obviously, and to try to save up whatever I can scroung to finally pay a lawyer and have him removed from my home. I'm sad you guys. I really am. I love him, but he doesn't care because he says he loves me but his actions and words tell me I am not to be trusted, but he's the one who cheated, the one who still lies, and delete msgs. I'm sad.
> 
> My kids are too. My son who is older is now for the second time asking his dad to leave mommy alone. That every time he asks me a question we fight and he doesn't want us to fight. Instead of this giving my husband a wake up call, he tells the kids to shut up and that is isnt his business. i a'm sad. Very sad
> 
> How did so many of you even get to the point of fixing, if possible, any marriages...?


OP,
It is understandable that you are sad because of your husbands cheating and his apparent lack of respect for you.

But I sense something deeper from your post.

You are sad because you feel trapped.
You are sad because you feel that you love him and have no other option.
But the truth is , you do.
You can love yourself , that's the best option given your scenario.

You can't make him respect you.
You can't make want to work on the marriage.
But only you can make yourself stronger , by working on you.

Looking for a job to become independent is a great first step. But don't stop there .
Work on yourself and only then , things will begin to change for you.


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## SimplyAmorous

I am with the others, this man has tied your hands behind your back, no matter what you bring to the table, he disrespects it and blame shifts, he cheated on YOU, yet he is stalking you, that's outrageous!! He blows the money, then blames you, shows zero respect for your contribution in the home as a faithful wife & mother...he lies (can we trust ANYTHING A LIAR SAYS?)......thinks nothing of hanging out with his buddies yet you are controlled and not given the same consideration or freedom... Over the top insecure -and without cause .

He is angry, out of control, has no self discipline, and because he feels you are trapped, believes you aren't going anywhere...so he can get away with it....

I really feel in situations like this...you're gaining the power to leave him...showing you mean business , often is the only thing that grabs their attention .. which is very unfortunate. Sometimes it takes a "gutter experience"... then even THAT doesn't wake some up...& they continue in their self sabotaging ways. 

You deserve much better, you sound you have much to give.


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## mishu143

thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement. It seems that today he and I finally agreed on one thing..... better alone than miserable. I am currently figuring things out and I am deathly afraid. He finally said yes and he wants to leave me. I am heartbroken but at the same time relieved. I honestly want peace, im just now afraid of how I will provide for my kids and make my future better for them. I know plenty of people do it, but I have limited resources and absolutely no one who can help me care for them. I wanted to go back to school for a tech career that I will makes tons of money doing, but I don't qualify for childcare help due to his income, then when he does leave the waiting list is 2 years long for help and im supposed to work and be able to secure childcare all at once with out being able to afford it, its a double edge sword, and my classes are at night until I get into my actual program. im thinking too far ahead I guess... Im just very scared.


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## Bobby5000

She wrote, "I am two years post affair with my husband and he still hasn't admitted he f**ked up. Instead I am suffering horrible mental anguish. I want to leave. I am done with his behaviors. I'm done trying to defend every move I make. Even if I go to the grocery store I am doing something wrong. He needs to know the exact stores I went to, the exact time, etc." 

I am sorry if I misinterpreted this thing but it is confusing and I guess that is what is frustrating for you. If someone writes they are 2 years post affair and their spouse doesn't trust them and constantly wants to know their whereabouts, you'd think they had the affair. I guess that was your point, that he was in the wrong but blames you and I suppose I circuitously agreed.


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## over20

mishu143 said:


> thank you all so much for your kind words of encouragement. It seems that today he and I finally agreed on one thing..... better alone than miserable. I am currently figuring things out and I am deathly afraid. He finally said yes and he wants to leave me. I am heartbroken but at the same time relieved. I honestly want peace, im just now afraid of how I will provide for my kids and make my future better for them. I know plenty of people do it, but I have limited resources and absolutely no one who can help me care for them. I wanted to go back to school for a tech career that I will makes tons of money doing, but I don't qualify for childcare help due to his income, then when he does leave the waiting list is 2 years long for help and im supposed to work and be able to secure childcare all at once with out being able to afford it, its a double edge sword, and my classes are at night until I get into my actual program. im thinking too far ahead I guess... Im just very scared.


I am so sorry you are going through this......prayers to you


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## mishu143

@over20. Thank you so much, I need all the prayer I can get. After his fit today while he was at work and all it going on via text, he comes home like if nothing happened and expects me to be in a good mood. Sh....it no wonder he thinks I'm not into him anymore, he acts like an ass and then pretends like nothing happened and I become the bad guy.... 

So obviously something isn't right here. I mean I get the mental abuse case but what the hell gives, I'm so angry and confused and hurt. Why the hell is this happening to me.... He gives me so much grief to then pretend like nothing happened?

I have no clue how to continue in this relationship. I have no clue how to make any valid decision in this marriage regarding whether I should stay or go because of this way he acts, I'm so damn confused and so angry I'm still dealing with this stupidity.


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## Cynthia

I am very sorry that you are living in such a hellacious situation.
This is the impression I get from reading your post that you are afraid to move out because you cannot afford to live alone and support your children.
How old are your children?
From what I have seen it is often better to stay so you will be able to care for the children, but you could get a job now and not let your husband have the money from your job. You could open a separate account and save money like crazy while using his money to pay the bills like you currently are.
You do not have to continue to answer to him, but you can learn how to respond to him in a way that doesn’t feed into his issues. It would be good to learn some coping skills and how to set boundaries so you are not defending yourself against his lies. Remember they are lies and he knows it, so there is no use in arguing about it. Try not to get sucked into arguments with him.
Do you know what the 180 is? Have you tried it? Here's a link to the list: The 180 | Being a Beautiful Mess


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> I am very sorry that you are living in such a hellacious situation.
> This is the impression I get from reading your post that you are afraid to move out because you cannot afford to live alone and support your children.
> How old are your children?
> From what I have seen it is often better to stay so you will be able to care for the children, but you could get a job now and not let your husband have the money from your job. You could open a separate account and save money like crazy while using his money to pay the bills like you currently are.
> You do not have to continue to answer to him, but you can learn how to respond to him in a way that doesn’t feed into his issues. It would be good to learn some coping skills and how to set boundaries so you are not defending yourself against his lies. Remember they are lies and he knows it, so there is no use in arguing about it. Try not to get sucked into arguments with him.
> Do you know what the 180 is? Have you tried it? Here's a link to the list: The 180 | Being a Beautiful Mess



Hi Cynthia, 

I honestly wish I would have stuck to my guns after I caught him in 2012. I feel stupid I didn't because here I am two years later sticks the same rut. We haven't had sex in like two weeks andi have no desire to. The 180 is one thing I could never do back then due to just being a nutball after finding out, it was hard for me to even think let alone think about how to fix me, but the past is the past, now it's time to move forward right,

About your comment with the kids, you think it's worth staying married to him to care for my kids? I feel the same way but at the same time the arguing cannot be good for them.... I've heard that it destroys kids to see their parents fighting so much, but every once in a while they catch us laughing and kissing too, like last night after the little bit of time he was cool with us all, but please remember that all afternoon via text we were arguing and then determined we would divorce only for him to come home as if nothing happened.... I feel like he is bipolar in the sense that he's good and bad all in one day. It's a maniac way of behaving with me. 

I read the 180 and I think I am realizing why I have so much guilt about leaving him for good, if I'm going to be honest, I am like a damn chihuahua. I can argue better than any attorney I have ever met. Lol. And I hate letting him feel like he won when in my heart I know what POS he is being. I very hurt that he met me as an 18 year old college student and has never supported me all the way through. 8 years later and I'm still trying to figure it all out and that what bugs me most. 

I feel like our marriage is all about him, his excuse for acting the way he did yesterday is that I don't do what he asks me to regarding his job. He wants me to do a lot of research and get him info so that he can grow his client list, and yes I could do that for him, but at the same time I want to do something for me too. 

It's all very complicated. I'm sure any married couple can attest that there is two sides to every story, I try to stick with the facts and be honest, but I know I'm not perfect, and I know I have made mistakes with my marriage and him. 

Most of all when we argue I can get nasty, and so can he, but I feel guilt because of it. Because maybe if I woulda held my tongue a bit better he'd care more... Does that make any sense?

As far as the 180... I have been working out since August of 2013, simple walks do to injuries I sustained in a major car wreck, but. I have gotten stronger and I can now do tae Bo. I just haven't lost any weight.... So that is my next goal. I made a Buddha round the same time that I walk with and she's been great but he also manages to turn that into a fight because he feels I tell everyone everything. 

Yes I made my mistakes and opened my big mouth out of desperation. I'm sure I shamed him, and I didn't mean to, I'm young desperate and made a stupid decision by seeking help from friends and family who probably dont even care to see us pull through. Their best advice has been to leave him.... It's not worth the fight.... They tell me to get a job and pull my own weight.... What the hell? I stay home and care for EVERYTHING, he does nothing but work, everything from the home is done by me and only me and it has been that way since day one. Even when I worked I did it all. And that was a lot of our fights in the beginning. 

I'm just at a loss, what I really want to do is get a waitressing job, go finish my degree and then start working at my new career. The waitressing because of its flexibility and the school because I don't want to be a waitress forever.... But he isn't supportive, he tells me, if I wanna working has to be a 9 to 5 etc. there are always rules to what I can and can't do. And I'm sur the minute I. Land a job he will have a fit. He wants me under his thumb and that's why it hurts, because his reasons suck and are demeaning.

Do I make sense? I don't know? But any advice on this would be great. 

I am following the 180. I've learned to just shut down and walk away in the lat five days. I don't argue as much and when I do I can stop myself a bit better. I'm very tired and I don't think he realizes how close I am to really doing whatever I want whether he likes it or not in preparation for a divorce. 

Not sure where else to go with this?


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## sammy3

OP

Forgive me if you've posted, but how long have you been married? and how long have you known your husband, and what's you're age? 

I am almost 3 years out, and it's still a real struggle, so don't feel you are alone there.

I too was at first was confused as the same poster, thinking you were the ww. 

Anyway, it sounds like it's been not a good run for you with your marriage or the partner you choose to have a an marriage with.
Please realize one thing, no one in this world has a right to live your life or make decision on how you want to think, breathe, act, or even fart for that matter. 

This man sound so freaking unhappy within himself as a person, that the only way he can feel he has any control over himself, or his life, is to control you. 

Don't do as I am finding that I have been doing to myself, and that is living in limbo. You have kids, they don't deserve to have a mom living that way. They need a mom living in the present. When you finally can live in the present, a funny thing happens, we start to forgive ourselves and others around us, bc we are making choices and decisions for ourself. 

You can still love this man, maybe it will have to be from afar. When you walk away, be prepared for him wanting to come back, but don't until YOU are healthy enough to deal with what you need and want in this life. It your life to live, it has been given to you, no one else, cherish it, because when it's gone, or damaged, by health issues or what not, you may not be able to enjoy the health and goodwill you can find or share now. Don't let anyone take your god given right to live, to think, to be, away from you ...

-sammy 

Believe me none of this is easy, as I can't even take my own words into practice.


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## Cynthia

If you leave him, you are going to have to get a job anyway, plus your expenses will be higher. Arguing is not good, but you can learn to not get sucked into the arguments. Keep working the 180. It doesn’t matter that you were not able to do it before. This is now. You can do it.
There is a book I recommend for healing from musculoskeletal injuries. It is called Pain Free, by Pete Egoscue. I have a review on it here, if you are interested. Pain Free, by Pete Egoscue: A Review | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
This book helped me to heal my body.
Divorce is very hard on children. I understand that your marriage is hard, but if you try to relate to your husband differently, it could improve. At least you can get out of the cycle and not participate in his craziness. If you can live with him without arguing and begin building your life, so you can support yourself and your children, you would all be better off.
Taking the time to learn how to set healthy boundaries and to work on your own life is always worth it. If your husband leaves, let him leave, but in the meantime, you can change your focus and make things better where you are.


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## mishu143

@sammy thank you. This is a daily struggle with him.... I really can't I'd rather die than continue to live like this but I have my kids and they need me. He is losing his marbles and I'm afraid because its like a ticking time bomb. I'm so scared for my safety at this point because its so much minds games. 

I just told him again I'm was going to register for classes and he flipped and started talking craziness about how I will leave him for someone else when I'm in school. I can't deal with it anymore. I cry more than I smile... 

Married 7 years together 8, I got pregnant after three months, so yea not the smartest thing to do but it happened and here we r. I didn't know him at all and fell for his charms, shoulda run the first time I got a wiff of this crap but I didn't. I forgave and moved on. Yet he doesn't see it, he doesn't care, in his mind, I'm the problem, I'm the one who causes the grief here. 

I honestly can't anymore.

@cynthia, s

This time I will have to throw in the towel. The dream is beautiful, but he reality is he will never try. In his mind women are all tramps. I'm paying for tramp of a mothers burdens and I'm fed up


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## Cynthia

You are right to be fed up and you cannot change him, but you can change yourself and he will not be responding to the same you. Getting off the cycle of arguing and letting him impact you so much will help you to cope. This is not about him changing. This is about you getting yourself to a place where you can leave without being afraid. If he gets the point and changes in the process, more the better for all of you.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> You are right to be fed up and you cannot change him, but you can change yourself and he will not be responding to the same you. Getting off the cycle of arguing and letting him impact you so much will help you to cope. This is not about him changing. This is about you getting yourself to a place where you can leave without being afraid. If he gets the point and changes in the process, more the better for all of you.


Yea im done with him. I never intended on changing him. I gave him a choice today, he needs to help himself and f in three months he is still stuck im filing. I deserve better, and I am done. I wrote him a long letter explainig my feelings. The 180 is helping me work myself out and I understand what you are saying to me, I do, but im so done with it. Im doing the 180 not to get him to change, but for what you said, to make me happy, and ready, to face the world as a single parent. He has made it crystal clear I am not worth loving unless I follow him blindly. My life has to revolve around him and only him. I give up. He began thrifting but hasn't sold anything he brought home, and blames me for it. HE MAKES GOOD MONEY BUT HE IS ASKING CO_WORKERS TO COVER HIM WITH MONEY UNTIL PAYDAY. 

He is reckless and I regret ever marrying him.


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## Cynthia

There are problems with staying and problems with leaving. My point is that you can prepare yourself to leave by getting a job now, saving money to move out and being prepared, rather than jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You are currently living in survival mode, but moving out will put you in a different kind of survival mode. Prepare yourself emotionally and physically before leaving. It will be much better if you are prepared. You will also have time to study what you need to do to prepare for divorce.
Also learning to set healthy boundaries now will help you to not get into another similar relationship, which unfortunately often happens. Working to stop getting sucked into his arguments will help you learn how to avoid people like him in the future.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> There are problems with staying and problems with leaving. My point is that you can prepare yourself to leave by getting a job now, saving money to move out and being prepared, rather than jumping from the frying pan into the fire. You are currently living in survival mode, but moving out will put you in a different kind of survival mode. Prepare yourself emotionally and physically before leaving. It will be much better if you are prepared. You will also have time to study what you need to do to prepare for divorce.
> Also learning to set healthy boundaries now will help you to not get into another similar relationship, which unfortunately often happens. Working to stop getting sucked into his arguments will help you learn how to avoid people like him in the future.


Thank you I will do just that.


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## over20

Can I ask if he has been tested for Maniac/Depression?


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## mishu143

over20 said:


> Can I ask if he has been tested for Maniac/Depression?


I wouldn't know he goes to therapy alone and doesn't share with me nor do I pry.... But I would think some thing is going on but he doesn't want to admit it to himself..... It's been an intense day and I'm just over him. Really I'm sad but over this whole situation.


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## over20

If you research the disease there will yes and no questions you can answer online anonymous of course. Try to research it...I only ask because it sounds like he has significant mood swings...There is no shame in one being diagnosed..there is soooo much help now a days for an individual and couple....

Maybe you should seek IC also...or at least go to your family doctor..you may need an anti anxiety med to help you through all of this...once again .....no shame, no embarrassment....I have been on them and the right ones can really help during a trying time...

Blessings


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## mishu143

over20 said:


> If you research the disease there will yes and no questions you can answer online anonymous of course. Try to research it...I only ask because it sounds like he has significant mood swings...There is no shame in one being diagnosed..there is soooo much help now a days for an individual and couple....
> 
> Maybe you should seek IC also...or at least go to your family doctor..you may need an anti anxiety med to help you through all of this...once again .....no shame, no embarrassment....I have been on them and the right ones can really help during a trying time...
> 
> Blessings


Thank you over20, I agree I don't find it shameful at all, I can cope with a mental illness but not an a**hole. I did start IC but I am a bit hesitant to go back. You all can tell me if this was appropriate.....

After I spoke to the IC counselor, she told me to run and leave him, also asked to see a pic of him, that I thought was very strange and was very hesitant, but she blurted out she knows he's cheating from what I told her which I find a bit unprofessional being it was the first appointment and I went to help me deal with myself before before i can deal with him. 

Anyhow, I wrote him a nice clear letter of my expectations and that he has three months to meet them... Meaning he better figure out if he is willing to make those changes ASAP or lose me for good. No more games. He has three months or I will file without questions. I sign up for school today so I am excited for that but I also found out i need one more course that is going to put me off for another year....:-(.

I'm going to continue to live as normal and we will see where it leads.... I'm doingthe180 in the meantime. I'm done with the bs in mylife and allowing him to do as he pleases with me.


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## Cynthia

Good. You have a plan and you are moving forward in the right direction. You are cutting your emotional and physical reliance on your husband. Once you get through survival mode, things will be much better for you and your children.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> Good. You have a plan and you are moving forward in the right direction. You are cutting your emotional and physical reliance on your husband. Once you get through survival mode, things will be much better for you and your children.


AAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH I hate my damn life!!!! I don't trust him at all, now he says he didn't read my letter to its full understanding and made fun of it saying "what now im on pobabtion?". TWo years later and he never owned up to his crap. Im about to walk out and he still denies that he has to work at gaining my trust. I ****ing hate him. All I want to do is scream!!!!! 

I ate that I don't feel secure, that I feel like I have to trust him when he doesn't deserve it. Like have to do this 180 thing aqnd pretend things don't bother me. The man dressed to workin red and very nicely and claims it was for me!!! so that when he got home he would look nice, bull****. Im crying for nothing. Im leaving, im staying so damn tortured


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## Cynthia

You are upset because he is upsetting you. I do not believe it when people say that other people can't make us feel anything. That is dumb. Of course they can. Here is an article about this: Why You Are So Upset With Your Husband | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
There are things you can do about it and you are working on that, but it takes time.
You do not have to trust him. It would be foolish for you to trust him, because he has shown himself to be unfaithful and has not done anything to show that he has changed. That is not your fault and you don't have to buy into it.
Take some deep breathes. Do something positive and refocus your attention away from him.


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## sammy3

Mishu, 

Start reading books on leaving. Very empowering!!! You admit yourself that you should not have married him. You have been trying for 8 years to improve your lot that you found yourself in. 

Start to detach yourself, when he argue, say nothing, or "let me think about that, Ill get back to you when I have answers for you." 

It seems to you, you need this man, but in reality you don't. We start to believe our own weakness because another tells us when life isnt treating us well."

Look over the big picture when deciding as I think it really help to clarify one's life. A very wise person once told me "to predict future behavior look at the past 2 years, as it will show what the next two years will be." Makes sense when one thinks about it, as it probably does take two years for changed behavior to stick, and maybe only from then can a relationship with another start to be repaired. 

-sammy


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## over20

((((hugs))))


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## mishu143

over20 said:


> ((((hugs))))


Thank you, I really needed that. I went to school and registered for some emergency classes I needed in order to apply into the program I want, had to pay outta pocket and he flipped! The sad thing is he doesn't see that the flipping only cements my insecurities of being with him. 

Last night he drove my car and do to no fault of his own (actual car accident with other parties) the tires were punctured with debris. He repaired it with a patch but when we woke up this morning I t was flat. I told him and asked h I'm what I should do, he said drive to the gas station and put air.... Well as I tried to drive that way I didn't feel safe nor smart for doing so so I parked and decided to change the damn thing myself. Mind you he was *****ing up a storm the whole time like if I did it. Like if I made the tire go flat.... This man is late everyday to work because he doesn't get outta bed on time, he hasn't gotten fired because he is a valuable employee, if he was fired they would be stupid, anyways, that was also somehow my fault! I wanted to cry from the embarrassment. The whole building I'm sure knows us and I cringed at thinking of it


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## Cynthia

It's on him. You no longer need to be embarrassed about him. Let it go and leave it on him. He is embarrassing himself.
You are doing fine. I am impressed that you signed up for classes. Good job. You are moving in the right direction.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> It's on him. You no longer need to be embarrassed about him. Let it go and leave it on him. He is embarrassing himself.
> You are doing fine. I am impressed that you signed up for classes. Good job. You are moving in the right direction.


Well the condo we live in is one i would stay in if we divorce, it's my moms, so I call dibs....lol.... Even if we divorce I. Stuck looking at my neighbors everyday for the rest of my life or until I save enough to buy a home.... Something else I have waited 8 years for but has yet to come to fruition with him.

After all was said and done with the tire issue, he called to apologize but he apology was null and void when he began excusing himself by somehow turning it on me to which I hung up. The rest of the day stayed sour that way until I decided to let go and just be normal around him. He thinks his offending me is funny like its a joke. I know he does it as a mask to how he is really feeling but it just makes me feel more and more like I married I a little boy. A coward better said. I've met braver boys than him. 

Anyways the simple fact is that he wants power and I'm just not that kind of a spouse, a know many women who are powerful but make their man think they are, I'm not one of those women, I don't have that super power, I honestly wish I did....

This morning was a prime example, he's really bad with money... Our whole relationship I have paid the bills while fighting him on what's left over and how to use it..... Anyways 8 years later and I gave up, it's all his to manage, of course he didnt do good and he owes ppl money for a party we shouldn't have done( although cheaply and it was great fun for our babes birthday). Today is payday. He also decided to wipe out the saving with the exception of 1k left in it, to pay off credit cards...trust me what we have in debt is a lot and wiping out our little bit of cushion to pay of a few of them, if that's what he is going to do anyway, isn't going to help us right now. Today is payday and I asked him who he owes what to and he told me he would tell me later. History has never failed me.... He is avoiding the questions and refuses to answer...I got pissed and sent him a mean msg, I said keep your secrets bi*ch. yes I stooped to a low level.... I'm too angry to even really give a crap. 

The msgs escalated after I told him "don't worry I have a job interview lined up next week" and of course now he is flipping out, telling me a have no desire to fix anything and to be honest as much as I wish it was different, I'm at the point where if it doesn't get worked out I'm prepping myself for the worst. My daily life is unbearable with him. This back and forth is horribly draining and stressful and I'm over it. I keep catching him in one stupid lie after another... And I literally mean stupid, he lies over nothing... Ugggh but I'm the problem? 

Don't know where to even go with this anymore.... Im just trying to do the best I can.


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## mishu143

Also sorry for all the misspellings and bad grammar, this auto correct feature is super annoying!


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## mishu143

Example of one of his ways to get out of the pickle he created... In those nasty texts back and forth, he said he would go get a blow job... Let me write it down verbatim " ur such a nasty kaniving bi*ch. u f*ck me up in the morning for thrills, time to get the di** suc". After a few more back and forths and me keeping my cool about how it was me plainly telling him that transparency is all I want from him and a threat that I had a job interview even though I don't, he said it was an auto correct error... To which I replied that this lie was even better than the lie he used to get his aunt of his back about some tickets he did not buy on time.... He told her he thought the event was on feb 29! Geeeez and he doesn't think he has a problem....


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## JustHer

mishu143, I didn't read all the posts, so I don't know if this has been discussed. Has anyone told you to do the 180 on him? Your H will not get it for a long while, if ever. You need to quit looking to him for apologies or anything else.

If your mom owns the condo, why can't you file for divorce and have him leave? He will have to pay child support and when you get a job you should be better off than you are now. Let him assume his debt.

But until then, quit arguing or even trying to defend yourself. Just quit responding to his nastiness. You don't need to ignore him, that would be as bad as what he is doing to you, but just say OK dear, yes dear, etc.


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## mishu143

JustHer said:


> mishu143, I didn't read all the posts, so I don't know if this has been discussed. Has anyone told you to do the 180 on him? Your H will not get it for a long while, if ever. You need to quit looking to him for apologies or anything else.
> 
> If your mom owns the condo, why can't you file for divorce and have him leave? He will have to pay child support and when you get a job you should be better off than you are now. Let him assume his debt.
> 
> But until then, quit arguing or even trying to defend yourself. Just quit responding to his nastiness. You don't need to ignore him, that would be as bad as what he is doing to you, but just say OK dear, yes dear, etc.



I totally agree with you, and yes they have recommended the 180 which I'm on.... I am trying to lose weight now, quit smoking, have already started my first classes so that I can apply to a program I want to do, and if push comes to shove I am leaving a getting a job.... No problem here... I'm fed up and I'm tired.


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## mishu143

As I keep seeing things clearer I am realizing he is a crappy selffish husband but a great dad, and that is why I keep trying to wait for him to change.... I don't want to take my kids away from their dad... Yes I know he can be a good dad not in the home. But let's be honest, it isn't the same to have both your parents around 24/7 than to have two houses to sleep in....if that...


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## JustHer

I am really glad you are working on yourself...

Part of being a good dad is being a good husband. He is setting an example of what a husband is. This is the person your son(s) will more than likely become and the type of person your daughter(s) will marry. That is not being a good dad. 

You are also setting an example of a wife that is willing to be treated this way. Your children are seeing this too, and will marry or become this.

So my opinion is that yes, maybe he can be a better part time dad than he is a full time. By doing this you will show that there are boundaries, even in relationships, that just cannot be crossed. That is a good example to your kids. They also will not have one more day seeing daddy treat mommy badly. They will not have to live with the arguing and criticism of their parents any more. So, yes, that would be much better.

At the very least, you could file for a formal separation. This would get him out of the house where you could create a healing and healthy environment for you and the kids. It would also give you two time to decide on a divorce or see if he will finally get it (which I doubt).


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## mishu143

JustHer said:


> I am really glad you are working on yourself...
> 
> Part of being a good dad is being a good husband. He is setting an example of what a husband is. This is the person your son(s) will more than likely become and the type of person your daughter(s) will marry. That is not being a good dad.
> 
> You are also setting an example of a wife that is willing to be treated this way. Your children are seeing this too, and will marry or become this.
> 
> So my opinion is that yes, maybe he can be a better part time dad than he is a full time. By doing this you will show that there are boundaries, even in relationships, that just cannot be crossed. That is a good example to your kids. They also will not have one more day seeing daddy treat mommy badly. They will not have to live with the arguing and criticism of their parents any more. So, yes, that would be much better.
> 
> At the very least, you could file for a formal separation. This would get him out of the house where you could create a healing and healthy environment for you and the kids. It would also give you two time to decide on a divorce or see if he will finally get it (which I doubt).


Yep, I kept putting that thought on the back burner.... Lol my mom is right and so are all of you... Better a happy part time parent than a miserable full time one... Better alone and at peace than together and miserable.... 

I have to be strong! But boy am I scared for what the future may hold. I'm afraid of his crazy persona when he doesn't get his way... I'm afraid you guys of what he may do or say.... I'm not sure how to explain it online....but he hasn't been the calmest person although he puts up that persona, I on the other hand am truly a peaceful and calm person who unfortunately has allowed myself to become an angry screaming *****.... When we fight I fight hard when we love I love hard.... But I can't fight. I hate it, and much less about my honor, him making me defend absolutely nothing more than his ridiculous imagination about me.... And yet I p it up with his lies and miserable jealousy to the point where I have thought of hurting myself..... I hate to admit that last piece of info but its the sad truth, fear has made me weak for someone who doesn't think I'm worth trusting....


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## mishu143

So he left.... 

He texted I love you and I said all I had to say to him and that no amount of I love you can put away all the crap he has done to me.... That was the jist of it all.... 

So he left his job, and came home, packed his bags, and left. Without a word.....

You all were right.... He wanted it to work his way, not ours, and I'm not even really sad.... Now I just need to really go look for a job...lmao.

Whatever


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## JustHer

Go see an attorney right away. He still has to pay child support, but you will need reinforcements on your side.

I am sorry it turned out this way, but many times what seems to be a bad thing, ends up being the best thing that could have happened. 

But you need to protect yourself. If he runs up more debt, etc. Get an attorney.


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## mishu143

I paid one of my credit cards off just incase I need it for back up with the savings he took out.... And the rest I guess I will have to play out. I don't have money to pay for an attorney... I need to line up a job but I don't have daycare for my kids, which is so expensive in my area I couldn't afford it even if I did work, I'd pay almost 60%of my wages in daycare....

Now he doesn't stop calling talking about how sad he is and how terrible I am, he knew I would do this blah blah blah.... He really doesn't get it does he? 

He doesn't want to believe the problem lies in his demeanor.... I'm to blame! Everything is me.... Is this normal....

One minute he's crying and b egging for me to cry with him, the next he's trying to piss me off. 

THIS IS WHY IM SO CONFLICTED. I don't think I've ever been this calm since I married him.... My emotions were always on my sleeve and now that he left I feel relief and all I want to do is find work and show him with or without him, the old relationship is done.... 

No more. Everything in his life that's wrong was because of me.... I paid the cc terrified he will cause a bid scene about it but I just need one that is mine to keep me floating until I find something. I only had two cc that have balances, the rest of the money he can keep. I know he will anyways, last time he left he made me beg for it. I won't th is time...


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## JustHer

It might help if you have the mods move this to "considering divorce or separation".

Depending on where you live, there are a lot of programs out there that can help. You might even be able to find a non profit attorney. Start going through the phone book and see who is out there that can help until you get on your feet.


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## Cynthia

Why are you listening to him talk to you that way? You are defending yourself. You do not have to defend yourself. The problem is that he is talking to you in an unhealthy manner. If he has a problem, he needs to speak to you in a reasonable manner, so you two can work through it, but the way he is talking to you is unacceptable and you don't have to participate in a conversation where he is berating you and speaking abusively to you. Tell him that if he wants to talk to you about anything he has to be respectful and if he starts to speak rudely to you, the conversation will immediately be over, then stick to that.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> Why are you listening to him talk to you that way? You are defending yourself. You do not have to defend yourself. The problem is that he is talking to you in an unhealthy manner. If he has a problem, he needs to speak to you in a reasonable manner, so you two can work through it, but the way he is talking to you is unacceptable and you don't have to participate in a conversation where he is berating you and speaking abusively to you. Tell him that if he wants to talk to you about anything he has to be respectful and if he starts to speak rudely to you, the conversation will immediately be over, then stick to that.


I have Cynthia, he is being unreasonable and keeps blaming me. Two ppl in the marriage but I'm the only one at fault. I'm just tired of the stress and I'm sick from it all. 

Now he says he didn't leave the house, that he won't make it that easy for me. Of course he wouldn't. Seems like his life goal is to make me miserable. I contacted my attorney and he recommended someone who will be just as aggressive. Made an appointment with him for Tuesday at 10 am... 

As far as the moderator moving this over, I did post more or less the same thing but no one was replying in the divorce section..... 

He's really twisting the truth, that's what scares me the most.... I know this about him and that's why I have stayed so long. Because I was afraid of this. And sure enough he is doing it....


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## Cynthia

It takes two to make a good marriage and one to destroy it.
Do you have a journal? Keep a record of everything that is happening. You could save it on your computer. Name the file something that he won't suspect if he tends to snoop. Save the texts he has sent you and ask he attorney if you will need them as evidence of his abuse.


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## mishu143

So after his dramatic antics today and his guilt trips and claiming he did not leave and he wouldn't make it easy for me to leave him, he is still not home and took out ALL OF THE MONEY. Savings and all so that I wouldn't pay the cc I had already paid. So I had to cancel the payment and now I'm totally screwed with ten bucks to my name.... 

Whatever, just gonna move forward and find a job Monday morning.


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> It takes two to make a good marriage and one to destroy it.
> Do you have a journal? Keep a record of everything that is happening. You could save it on your computer. Name the file something that he won't suspect if he tends to snoop. Save the texts he has sent you and ask he attorney if you will need them as evidence of his abuse.


I'm keeping a calendar with short summaries of the events....


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## Cynthia

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs to you.
How old are your children?
What kind of support network do you have?


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## mishu143

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Hugs to you.
> How old are your children?
> What kind of support network do you have?


Kids are 7 and 3. No support to help with them at all. Family lives very far and have their own life that I cannot cut into.... But he's home now and thinks we r okay, I'm really ready to file. I'm done with this non sense. I can't believe he thinks we are cool with all he did yesterday alone. This summarizes my marriage life with him....soooo my eyes r open and I am aware it time to leave him alone....we r done.


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## Cynthia

Hugs to you. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.


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## Jimena

From your description, he does not seem bipolar. The drastic change in "moods" sounds like the calculated behaviors of an emotionally abusive person. They switch between extremes to take advantage of your fears and to catch you off guard emotionally.

Also, you need to find a lawyer Monday before finding a job. Half of the money he took out he really stole from you. A new job takes time to pay out, you can't wait to take action.
Also, make sure you cancel any cc or other accounts you hold together, no matter the status. He can always incur fees/expenses and make you liable for them (eg bounced check, low balance)


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## mishu143

Jimena said:


> From your description, he does not seem bipolar. The drastic change in "moods" sounds like the calculated behaviors of an emotionally abusive person. They switch between extremes to take advantage of your fears and to catch you off guard emotionally.
> 
> Also, you need to find a lawyer Monday before finding a job. Half of the money he took out he really stole from you. A new job takes time to pay out, you can't wait to take action.
> Also, make sure you cancel any cc or other accounts you hold together, no matter the status. He can always incur fees/expenses and make you liable for them (eg bounced check, low balance)


Thanks Jimena, I have an appointment for Tuesday morning.... Thank u for reassuring what I have always thought... Unfortunately I felt guilty for sooooo long for all my screaming and cursing but I'm trying to bless the guilt and release it into the world.... I know I'm not perfect but he s a manipulator. And this exactly why I can no longer live with him... Im sick to my stomach from the stress.... Urrrrgggh


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