# She's had it with me... what can I do?



## radioguy (Nov 30, 2008)

My wife and I have been married 14 years and have one 9 year-old child. My wife was the one who got away the first time. I was so happy when we hooked back up and got married.

Over the years I have taken her for granted. We have not had a sex life (maybe 6 times a year) for the past 7 or 8 years. She says I have changed her and that I am controlling.

I have been controlling and a nasty S.O.B. to live with for a while now. She told me a couple times before that she has had it with me. I tried therapy for a while by myself because she didn't want anything to do with it... (been there, done that, got the t-shirt).

This time, I believe she really means it. Problem is, she is tired of hearing me say I will change, with little to no result.

I want to go to couples therapy, but she doesn't sound interested.

I need advice!


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## tomatoplace (Nov 30, 2008)

it sounds like it's too late, but....

If you can get her to listen, try to talk about it. Have it written down on paper what your doing wrong. Dont argue or deny anything, just get it out on paper. Have her explain the things. Try to understand her thinking about you. Again, DON'T ARGUE ANYTHING. 

Once it's on paper, try to view it from her point of view and talk with her on better ways to handle the items. (again, no denial/argueing) After all items are written, detailed, worked over.. then discuss PoV (point of view/perspective) it's your turn to explain your reasoning. After that, then it's work time of trying to change habits and reactions.

Hope this helps at least a little bit, or give at least an idea.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

radioguy said:


> Over the years I have taken her for granted. We have not had a sex life (maybe 6 times a year) for the past 7 or 8 years. She says I have changed her and that I am controlling.


was the no sex your choice or hers? are you attracted to her?



radioguy said:


> I have been controlling and a nasty S.O.B. to live with for a while now.


How have you been controlling her? what makes you a nasty S.O.B? Im only asking b/c that is some strong language and i just hope she is not being abused.


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## radioguy (Nov 30, 2008)

The lack of sex just crept up on us. There have been times when I have been very attracted to her only to have her not be interested or me not bring up the subject because there has been an almost total lack of physical relationship.

Sometimes, I am not at all atracted to her. Like when she has been drinking too much.

She won't sleep in the same room with me because I snore. If she is in bed with me, our child is in bed between us, (like on a weekend watching a movie).

As far as my being a nasty S.O.B., I can be very moody and not want to do things socially. I also always put in my two cents even when it isn't necessary or wanted. She has had it with my cynicism, interrupting without letting her finish a sentence or make a decision without me analyzing it to death.

No, I do not abuse my wife.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

radioguy said:


> Problem is, she is tired of hearing me say I will change, with little to no result.
> 
> I want to go to couples therapy, but she doesn't sound interested.
> 
> I need advice!


Sounds like you’ve answered your own question here to me. The problem is not your wife, it is likely you. Commit to your changes and with time she may come around. You didn’t get here in a matter of a few weeks and she won’t accept your “changes” quickly. Show her you love her in your actions not words. Once the two of you respect and care for each other the sexual intimacy will likely return also. Strap in for the long haul


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## radioguy (Nov 30, 2008)

Another day, another fight. Seems like noting I can do or say is right. It doesn't matter what I do anymore, it's stupid and so am I. I am trying to stay positive, but it's getting rough.

I am starting to think there is no hope. I don't know if that's bad or if it just means that i need to star thinking about the future and how to get through all the pain.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

radioguy said:


> Another day, another fight. Seems like noting I can do or say is right. It doesn't matter what I do anymore, it's stupid and so am I. I am trying to stay positive, but it's getting rough.
> 
> I am starting to think there is no hope. I don't know if that's bad or if it just means that i need to star thinking about the future and how to get through all the pain.


No doubt your wife is feeling the pain too. However, a pity party won't change anything. Changing takes time and committment and you have to be dedicated to doing it. She needs to see the changes be permanent, not just for 2 or 3 days.


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## radioguy (Nov 30, 2008)

I'm not looking for a pity party... just trying to keep it together when nothing I do is right. Therapy is at least allowing me a sounding board. I am trying to do things I should have done a long time ago. Working out, spending more time with my child. Just seems to annoy my wife even more.:scratchhead:


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