# First post...long...please help...



## Everwondering69 (Aug 22, 2012)

I have been married for 10 years now and have been with my husband for 12 years. 

The beginning of our marriage began rocky. We rarely ever had sex and that was a huge problem for me. Throughout a couple of years of going through this and having to beg for sex, I lost all confidence in myself. 

6-7 years into our relationship we had an encounter with a close couple/friends of ours. We were playing cards, drinking way too much and lots happened. No one slept with anyone, but there was a lot of touching, etc. The next day I was very upset over the whole situation and I told my husband I couldn't do that again. First off it was very confusing for me as my husband still at this point in our relationship still not very sexual, yet this was a huge turn on for him. He promised it would never happen again. Well, it did...he pushed for me to drink and then more things occurred this time, including him using a sex toy on the other woman. It was videoed and I was devastated the next day. It took me a long time to get past this, but even though my husband wasn't sexually attentive, he was and has always been very loving, snuggles, hand holding, etc. He helped me through this. Apologized immensely. Told me how much I meant to him and it was just something that happened and didn't mean anything. 

Over the next 2 years, our relationship went up and down. I continued to have a lot of issues with not having much of a sexual relationship, sometimes going for 3-4months without intimacy. I'd cry, beg, explain how much I needed it as a connection. And again, my self esteem was/is shot when your own husband doesn't want to be intimate with you. Also during this time he was going through some depression, hating his job and blamed a lot of the lack of sex on his stress levels. It came to a head and I told him how lonely I was...not just physically, but emotionally as he wouldn't talk to me, spend time with me, nothing. I have no family here, so he is my sole relationship...friend, husband, etc...and to be quite honest I felt somewhat abandoned. I ended up cheating on him. I was only with this guy twice over a month and a half period. We didn't even live in the same state. My husband found out and it was horrible. He was devastated. I felt horrible. But, we both decided to fix the marriage. We both tried to correct our wrongs in the marriage and we both do love each other. 

Over the next 2 1/2 years, my hell began. He got very involved with racing. He became "friends" with another woman...emailing constantly, talking constantly, etc...and hiding it from me. He said he confided in her (which he says he can't talk to me...doesn't communicate well) and she was helping him through the affair. He finally ended it with her because it was causing so much problems in our marriage. But he continued to spend countless hours working on the race cars and staying at the races from 11am on Saturday to 1-2am on Sunday, always heading to the bar after the races. 

He was then laid off from his job of 17 years almost 2 years ago. This devastated him. And he turned 40 the same year. He tried to start his own business, but this failed and he has ended up with tons of bills from this endeavor as he is not a very savvy business/accounts type person. (I have always managed our bills as he is a huge procrastinator on paying things) During this 1 1/2 years off, he never did anything at home. Didn't clean, cook, laundry, nothing. I would come home to him sleeping. And also during this time he became "texting" and emailing buddies with another woman. This woman was pursuing him horribly and I knew it. He created an email account so that he and she could email back and forth without me knowing. When I finally caught him, he swore it was over and he promised he would never do this again. That was October of last year. He then began drinking horribly. Coming home one night, fighting with me and then pulling a gun on me and threatening to kill me and himself. I had to fight him for the clip - this was in NOvember. Then the Thursday before Christmas last year, he got so drunk I had to go find him at 1:30am at the bowling alley. He was belligerent and mean. I took his keys, called my daughter and had her hide his guns and then had to call my oldest son to come help me get him home. My son ended up having to get between me and my husband as he was throwing things at me, then had to get between him and my daughter because she got mouthy with him because of how he was behaving. January this year came around and he went to the racing banquet, came home at 3am drunk. Ended up threatening to kill himself. Pulled his knife which I had to get from him and was screaming for his gun, his kids, telling me where to bury him, etc. My son once again had to come and help me, but my husband was so out of control we ended up having to call the ambulance. He was treated overnight and not able to be released until he had a psyche eval, which he passed. February came around and I found another email account and he was emailing that woman again. I asked him to leave and he again promised nothing had ever happened and yes he knew she was interested and he led her on because he liked the attention. He again promised it would never happen again. 

Beginning in May/June of this year, he began staying out til all hours of the night again after the races, coming home after going to the bar. Promising he would be home early or after races, but never coming home when he said. We fought continuously. He would then sleep all day on Sunday after his racing day/bar night. He is also obsessed with Facebook. He has added so many people, lots of 22/24 year old girls who are "just friends" that he messages in FB all the time. He locked me out of his email account and FB acct which sent up huge red flags. I asked him to leave, think things over and figure out what was going on. When he was home he was sleeping and then the weekend he was gone and then sleeping all day Sunday. He left, stayed with a girl "just a friend" for 4 days, then came home and said he wanted to work things out. That he was still having a hard time with my affair from 2 1/2years ago. Ultimately, he has now asked for time and space. He is again staying out til 3:30am at the races, then bar, then going out to breakfast with "friends". He is going out playing pool at least one night a week til late with "guys from work". He has completely lost all thought of responsibility to me, his wife or his kids. Everything he wants comes first and I'm not suppose to question it or be upset over it. So, I have decided to move out and he thinks that's for the best. He has a lot to think about and figure out. He continues to blame it all on my affair, even though I have been faithful, loving, supportive and forgiving of all his indiscretions ever since it happened. I supported him emotionally and financially for the 1 1/2years he didn't work, didn't even try to get a job. I will be moving out Saturday and my heart is broken. I love him and want to work things out, but I see him pulling further and further away from me. Every time I try to talk to him he says I'm pushing and making things worse. I think once I move out, things will be easier for me. I won't have to see him every morning and every night when I come home from work. 

Am I crazy for trying to work things out?? I love him dearly. The man I married was sweet, kind and loving. Spent time with me and the kids, never went out bar hopping or partying. He has changed. I don't think it was just the affair. It happened when he lost his job and turned 40. I feel like my affair is just an excuse now to act out and blame me for everything. I really believe it's a midlife crisis. He says he loves me, but doesn't know what he wants. 

Any thoughts??


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## nothingleft (Aug 22, 2012)

RUN!!!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

nothingleft said:


> RUN!!!!


As fast and as far as you can!

This man needs help that you cannot give him. He is blaming you for everything that is wrong with him. He is dangerous, physically and emotionally.

GET OUT!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree... RUN away from this man.

Do you realize the danger you put your children into when you had them intervene during this suicidal rants with a knife and gun? You are so lucky that your children were not hurt or killed. You are lucky that you are alive after that.

You say that he was loving before all this recent stuff after your affair. But he was not. He neglected you sexually, he did not spend time with you… go back and read your entire post. There is nothing loving there. 

Usually when a man withholds sex it’s because he is repressing anger. Your husband had been punishing your for something that was in his head your entire marriage. Now that you had an affair he stepped it up to the point of ignoring you and having affairs that he made sure you found out about.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

You really should not stay in this relationship. Leave this man and take your kids with you. Don't tell him on advance, don't tell him where you've gone, just get out of this dangerous situation.


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