# Unhappy in marriage...any help appreciated



## annie_10 (May 22, 2013)

Hello
my hubby and I have been married for 4yrs, together for 6yrs and have a 21 month old.
We have decided to take a weeks break to try and decide if we should stay together.
Ive been unhappy for a while a our marriage has gone stale and we are stuck in a rut. In my opnion since the birth of our baby which was tough...and tough for a few months after we are both tired, both work and have just lost us. When I tried to talk to him about it he ignored there was a prob for so long, that I gave up, felt unloved and ended up crying myself to sleep a lot of the time. then having to get up the next day with the baby and be a 'good wife' has just taken its toll.
He does his fair share, hes plesant and generally a nice guy
but when i speak to him, there no spark, no fire, no desire - no passion and I crave that. He doesnt kiss me like he means it - the sex is OK when we do it but thats slowed right down and sometimes thats me saying no but thats cox things arnt right in our relationship so i cant just turn my feelings on.
As a result, he has gone but Im not missing him ?
Im feeling sad that all my hopes and dreams have now ended...ie being married, having a home and a beautiful baby. On paper our life is perfect so why do i feel so unhappy,
i have thought about life alone for so long that is now what im thinkin of. 
He said he wants to give things another go but I just dont have the want. Do i owe it to my marriage and my daughter to try again? even though we have been trying.
At the moment i dont want him touching me, the things he does annoy me, he doesnt listen to me and generally doesnt feel 'in love' with me. I do love him as the father of my child and for who he used to be but im not in love with him.
I cant imagine being a single mum for the sake of my daughter...i feel so sorry for her as I feel so selfish.
i just dont know what to do..im so unhappy and im crying all the time... 
I have no one i can talk to about it either..


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Let me ask, is there another man in your picture? Doesn't mean you are sleeping with anyone else, but are you even communicating with an old male friend, acquaintance, office mate, whoever about your issues?


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## annie_10 (May 22, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## annie_10 (May 22, 2013)

annie_10 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No no other man?haven't even got anyone I can talk to about it either
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

So it sounds like you are going through a rather standard transition from the spark of the early romance to the reality of a marriage. Especially with the baby you are now more stressed, tired, busy, etc.

Most of your issues seem to stem from a lack of sexual excitement, passion, desire, etc. He does seem like he is still doing OK as a friend/provider/helper etc.

I don't think all is lost. Couples can and do go through this type of thing all the time and can work to bring back the "spark". Right now it sounds like neither of you are doing much to be sexy to the other. This leads to feeling rejected which leads to feeling hurt which leads to doing even less to attract your partner... the proverbial vicious cycle.

Why does he now annoy you when he didn't used to? Has his personality radically changed, or are you now projecting your lack of sexual interest in him onto his personality as a whole?

There are things you both can do including but not limited to marriage counseling. You need to actively do things to make yourself more sexually attractive to your partner. You need to both do things to "bring the sexy back" as JT would say...


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

I dont think getting a divorce will solve any of your problems, most likely just make things worse and more difficult for the two of you. From what you have said he seems like a nice guy, he provides for the family, isn’t cheating, isn’t an alcoholic, love you and his daughter and in general is willing to stand by your side even when times are tough, that’s a very positive sign. To me it just seems like youve had a breakdown of communication since your child was born, this is very common as your priorities change from going out to dinner and watching movies, giving each other 100% of your attention, to late night feedings, diaper changes, etc… you feel neglected emotionally and physically and you don’t know how to fix the situation and im sure he feels the same as well. I cant stress enough that getting a divorce is not the quick fix you are seeking, it will leave you a single mother providing for your child. I recommend seeing a marriage counselor, they don’t solve your problems for you but they will help build your communication skills and help the two of your reconnect. It’s a slow rebuilding process, don’t expect to be happy in a week, you need to rebuild your marriage, you need to learn to date again, get some time away from your daughter find a relative willing to watch her for a evening so the two of you can go out at least once a week.

You say you dont have anyone to talk too yet there are countless people here, 24/7 that would love to hear your story and give advice if you ask. Were all here for each other :smthumbup:


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## annie_10 (May 22, 2013)

Thank you for the replies 

It was hard with having a baby but now she is a happy what I would say easy toddler 
Things are still dull. When I've tried to talk to him about it he has either laughed it off (which he has said now its his way of dealing with it )
Or literally walked away or ignored me so I feel withdrawn. 
I have a feeling it's too late and I have no idea why because it isn't really
But everything he does annoy me.
Example - ill ask if our daughter has had her afternoon snack yet as I went out and he says no..I make her a snack and whilst eating it he tells me a story about her doing something whilst having her afternoon snack...so when I say I asked if she has it he said no you didn't and will argue the fact I ever asked him something even though he replied.
That's silly I know but things like that happen all the time..he doesn't listen. 
I know I'm hard to live with as I want things tidy and I'm not perfect but I'm happy to do everything round the house as im part time and I like it but there's no understanding. He's constantly just in another world, doesn't pay me attention and when I say do you love me he pauses and says um yeah but unless we get to the stage where I'm really upset he will then say I do love you.
Just feel like the damage is done....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think lots of folks freak out when they wake up married but their toes aren't curling and they aren't giggling hysterically. Marriages go through natural transitions and emotions go up and down. Work, stress, kids, hormones, brain chemistry can all screw with one's emotions, so how you "feel" isn't necessarily a great test of how strong your marriage is. This is why we have marriages. It's a contract that keeps folks together even on the days they don't naturally feel like it. Find an elderly couple who've been married 50 years or more. I guarantee they won't tell you they felt giddy-thrilled about each other every day. They went through periods as low and lower than you are experiencing. Their trick is they went through them and didn't give up. Your marriage needs some work just like every marriage. If he's not pulling his weight, you might have to carry some extra for a while. When you drop the ball, he'll have to carry it more than his share. You've got a toddler. Really young kids are great but they are tough on a marriage. They consume huge amounts of time and energy and couples sometimes forget to be couples. Get a sitter and take your man out on a date. A couple's vacation would be even better. Being a husband or a wife requires work and most of us enter marriage without having a clue in life about how to be married. There are lots of resources out there that can help. Meanwhile, if you want to passionately kiss and he doesn't get the hint, grab that bull by the horns and kiss him till his tonsils beg for mercy.


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## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Well I would still say try marriage counseling, especially if you say he does not listen to you. Communication breakdowns are a common source of problems, a good counselor can help you both learn to communicate better.

Divorce is not the quick fix the moment you start finding yourself being annoyed/bored by your partner. If that was true every single couple would be divorced within 5 years of getting married. 

You seem to have bought into the fairly tale of what married life would be like.

That is not to say that you should definitely stay together, only saying that I think calling it quits because you're vaguely bored, or he forgets things you say/doesn't always listen well, is a pretty drastic first step. At the very least I'd think you owe it to your child to try some form of counseling, no?

You will be in danger of repeating the same pattern if you expect the spark of first love to stay the same after years of marriage, especially after having kids. That is for the movies not real life.


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## some_guy_mn (Mar 4, 2013)

Quick response... You have a few thing in common with "my story". Kids, no sizzle, grew apart etc. our kids are a little older, not much.

I'm thinking lately that I just don't want to be married. Not to Wife not to anyone at this point. She's a great person and deserves someone who wants to be married and do all the "lovey" stuff she desires. I have zero interest in giving it to her... And I'm happier when I'm alone ( or alone plus kids). I really feel pretty apathetic towards her in terms of a wife.

I'm convinced we can co-parent successfully. 

She's nice, smart, and could really make someone happy. We don't hate each other, no affairs, no chemical nor violence problems

Is your husband like me?


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