# Terrible Twos?



## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Hi all. I have a question about my 2 year old niece. I have years of experience with children, although I choose not to reproduce. Parents tell me I'd be a great mom because of how much children love me, but being a parent is SO MUCH MORE than taking kids to the amusement park.

My niece's personality has completely changed since she turned 2. She walks around with her arms folded and makes angry growling noises while she glares. She rolls her eyes and says "No!" when she is asked ANY question. Tickling is no longer tolerated and scolded with "Stop that!" Now she's telling people to "go away" while she waves her little hand! 
Just six months ago, she loved to be hugged, kissed and tickled. She rarely pouted and she certainly never looked at the ceiling like an angry teenager.
I strongly believe it's the Terrible Twos. My brother doesn't agree, because she does NOT display this behavior with him, for fear of being lightly smacked on the hand. What do the parents on TAM think?
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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It is terrible twos, but your brother (I assume her father?) has gotten her under control. Others, it sounds, are letting her get away with it, possibly because they think it's cute. 

There are a lot of people who think that the terrible twos are inevitable and that there's nothing that can be done to change/stop it. The thing is, it is inevitable, but you can and should control the behavior just as you would any other behavior: discipline and appropriate redirection.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

In my opinion, her parents would be doing her a great service if they nipped this in the bud NOW (all except the tickling which is her right to refuse, POLITELY).

In my opinion, this is a great age to start EFFECTIVE discipline which, in my further opinion, hitting/spanking usually isn't. It tends to eventually distract the child from the lesson being taught to the pain, hurt feelings or sense of "getting in trouble". So the lesson at hand is not usually effectively taught. There are many more effective techniques. And if they start when she is little, they likely won't have to undo a bunch of developed bad behavior.

Of course, as the aunt you have little say if your brother and sister in law disagree.

Amazon.com: Discipline for Life : Getting it Right with Children (9781887069069): Madelyn Swift: Books

Amazon.com: Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear Boundaries (Revised and Expanded Second Edition) (0086874512122): Robert J. Mackenzie: Books

Amazon.com: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (9780380811960): Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: Books


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> In my opinion, her parents would be doing her a great service if they nipped this in the bud NOW (all except the tickling which is her right to refuse, POLITELY).
> 
> In my opinion, this is a great age to start EFFECTIVE discipline which, in my further opinion, hitting/spanking usually isn't. It tends to eventually distract the child from the lesson being taught to the pain, hurt feelings or sense of "getting in trouble". So the lesson at hand is not usually effectively taught. There are many more effective techniques. And if they start when she is little, they likely won't have to undo a bunch of developed bad behavior.
> 
> ...


Who told you that there was a sister in law? My brother never married his child's mother. I agree that hitting is not the best way, however, all the parents in my family refuse to change the punishment to discipline. It's a non negotiable; everyone thinks it's necessary. Too bad huh?
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

SIL: My incorrect assumption. My bad. Sorry.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I keep hearing about this and my daughter is approaching it within next year. But I haven't heard of any hints or tips in regards to how to deal with it specifically...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

For some it happens toward the end of 2 into 3. There is nothing more to it than having an effective discipline strategy in place.

The goal of discipline is teaching. What are we trying to teach. In my opinion, the principle lessons are

- I am responsible for my actions and the consequences of my actions.
- Like everyone, I make mistakes. When I make mistakes, I must own my mistakes and attempt remedy and amends. Some mistakes cannot be fully remedied.
- I am capable of solving problems.
- I am a person of character and integrity. Character and integrity are my most important assets.

The problem with many discipline conversations that I see is that it focuses on the wrong thing; how permissive / how strict. That is the wrong focus/consideration. Discipline needs to be
- effective
- teach the desired lessons
- investing in SELF discipline as time passes

Too much punishment/reward discipline fails at being effective AND at teaching the desired lesson. There is a difference between PUNISHMENT and allowing the child to feel the CONSEQUENCES of their actions.

Anyway I really recommend the above books, RandomDude. They are all easy reads. I was a totally strict, punitive discipline Mom at first, following in the model my parents set for me. My son was an unruly PITA. I changed my methods (hard, had to keep rechecking myself). My kids are really, really well behaved now. Helpful, considerate... People comment it where ever we go. I can't take credit. The credit goes to the three authors above.

If you were to get it right right out of the gate, you won't need to undo some dysfunctional family dances you read about in the "Setting Limits" book.

Good luck to you!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> - I am responsible for my actions and the consequences of my actions.
> - Like everyone, I make mistakes. When I make mistakes, I must own my mistakes and attempt remedy and amends. Some mistakes cannot be fully remedied.
> - I am capable of solving problems.
> - I am a person of character and integrity. Character and integrity are my most important assets.


Aye, that's the type of parenting style I want to adopt - I've heard about this style from other parents too, teach her action and consequence, responsibility comes along with the lesson. My fear is that my lessons won't stick or if she gives me an attitude.

However the last book you recommended has peaked my interest in regards to this. Thanks for sharing, it's much appreciated.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Aye, that's the type of parenting style I want to adopt - I've heard about this style from other parents too, teach her action and consequence, responsibility comes along with the lesson. My fear is that my lessons won't stick or if she gives me an attitude.


One thing that many people don't think about is that not all bad behavior is motivated by bad behavior. Sometimes they just don't KNOW. That is where problem solving comes in.

Case in point. My son is horrid with his belongings. I could punish him until the cows come home. He is not trying to destroy his stuff! He needs guidance in habits to help him learn to take care of his stuff.

Your niece needs to understand the alternate desired behavior as well for example. That is sometimes missed.


> However the last book you recommended has peaked my interest in regards to this. Thanks for sharing, it's much appreciated.


My pleasure. I wish you many years of joy with your niece!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Erm, I'm not the OP... I'm RD, and it's my daughter in question lol


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Sorry RD. More brain farts than usual today.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> Sorry RD. More brain farts than usual today.


Then your brain should eat less beans! LOL Thanks for the advice hon! I appreciate it.
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