# Confused and need answers



## lollipoplola (Oct 4, 2009)

I have never talked on a forum before, but I need help with my situation. I am 30 years old without children and I have been married for 2 years. During this time I have been depressed and have had severe bouts of severe anxiety/depression. Despite meds and therapy I am still consumed with the thought that this all stems from my marriage, which I have been unhappy in for quite sometime. My husband is inaffectionate, cold, and a master at ignoring me and all situations. According to him, he loves me and we are fine. I have continuous thoughts about divorce and wonder often if this would be a solution. I do love my husband, but it has gotten to the point where at the same time I despise him. We have gone through some very stressful times lately and I am unsure if this has just fueled my feelings. I also have been seeing an ex boyfriend for support, not sex, and I know that this is not helpful either. Please if anyone has something to say, I would appreciate all opinions and/or advice.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Drop the ex and talk to your H. Be open with him but you need to get his undivided attention. Tell him how you feel and what he is doing to put a wedge in your marriage. Have a plan for what you will tell him that you want/need from him. Don't argue but let him know you are serious and that if you both don't work on your marriage together; yout marriage will not survive. Definitely talking is the first step; counseling can be second and it may help. For sure though, lose the ex-boyfriend; that will lead to serious problems with your H.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

the depression could be because of your marriage, or it could be something you will face no matter who you marry. that's the hard part. you could leave and run from it and it may just catch you again down the road. ive read so many books about how this is your chance to heal some broken part of yourself. the books ive read say you attracted this person in your life so you could heal. its bizarre and sounds a little ethereal, but it seems to have helped me in my marriage. i think one of the dangerous things that can happen is blaming everything on the other spouse and not realizing your contribution to the problem. that is a recipe for disaster.


----------



## lollipoplola (Oct 4, 2009)

Thank you for your input! I have been constantly thinking about life without my husband and it actually gives me a feeling of releif. Is this normal? I just still don't know what to do. He is difficult to talk to and when we do he thinks I am overreacting and everything is fine. If anyone has been through this, please write!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

your looking for something to improve and it is normal. Your heart is also yearning for attention and thats why the ex is around. First of all the ex will only create a thorn in your relationship.. He is no good for your current marriage.. Next the depression makes you blame others for your current state. You guys are in a downward spiral that needs to stop. It's only going to get worse. Neither of you are trying to connect in your relationship.. You should seriously think about going to MC and being open to learning how to improve it.. If you both are open to it you'll benefit from it.. keep trying...


----------



## LoveSucks (Oct 5, 2009)

Why do u need to talk to your ex? Talking to another guy is not going to make your current relationship better, since the other guy will always look better than your current situation Also make u blind to reality. You start thinking about all that is bad in the current situation so that you can validate what u are doing is not wrong. Well it is wrong. My situation is that my wife is talking to another guy to complain about me and our marriage. It is not right no matter what. Why are woman so dang weak to the first ex or first guy that will listen or pay attention to them. They don't have to be good looking but freaking just available to IM with or talk. Marriage is a commitment to give of your self and vice versa. It is not all about me and I need this and that....


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lollipoplola said:


> I have been constantly thinking about life without my husband and it actually gives me a feeling of releif. Is this normal?


oh ya, that's normal. i think about this at least once a week. of course its easier to want to leave- but its not always easier in the long run. right now you have one foot in and one foot out. you arent really trying to save your marriage. your finding everything wrong with it because you have your other foot in the door with your ex. you've already made up your mind.


----------



## perpetualchange (Oct 8, 2009)

My wife recently told me she's done after putting up with years of my depression and its aftereffects. I can personally say, though that I have seen the other side of my therapy and her announcement has felt like a real wake up call for me to re-engage in life and marriage. I feel bad that she put up with so much for so long but I feel good seeing it behind me now. I am so dedicated now to saving us because I truly believe in us as a couple and our future together.
She also wanted to blame my issues on our marriage, but that just wasn't true. I had other issues and genetic disposition to it that drew me away. Be sure your H is getting plenty of therapy, has a desire to get better and works on this. I know he can get there with your help.


----------

