# Sex after Marriage



## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

This is my first time doing this but I got married on May 9th and we are having some real sex issues and I don't know who to talk to about it. He's just not turned on by me anymore. And the weird thing is that we waited to actually have sex. I think we pushed the boundaries a little but now that we can have sex it's like it no longer interests him. Any advice?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

We need more.

Are you his first? And is he yours? Do either or both of you have a history of a successful sex life with another long term partner? 

When you wait to have sex until after you get married, it's like a box of cracker jack. You never know what the surprise will be. Perhaps he doesn't find your sex life to be what he had hoped for or had before he met you. Are you both sexually open? Are you trying to find what works for you as a couple? Is it a mismatch in how often you want sex or what you do when you're having sex?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Welcome. This may be difficult for you but you're going to have to be a LOT more forthcoming with details.

1 what exactly do you mean that your H no longer is interested in sex? Does he turn you down, turn you away, does he have erection problems?

2. How old are both of you and how long did you date prior to marriage?

3. What sex play did you engage in prior to marriage?

4. Does your husband watch porn very often? Do you watch porn? Do you watch porn together?

5. How often do you want sex and how often does he want sex?

6. What, if anything, has he told you about why he doesn't want sex with you, what were some of his reasons?

7 how are you initiating sex? Does he clearly understand that you want to have sex?

8 how affectionate is he? Can you describe how he shows affection?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Have you directly spoken with him about this? If so, what does he have to say?

Get out in front of it early on. Don't let it fester.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Okay I'll try to answer all that I turned 40 in May and he's 36. He has been with roughly 5 women he's told me nothing about. I was raped when I was 25 but other than that nothing else. He does lose his erection really easily and I just don't know what to do to make him excited. He never even touched me it's like it makes him feel dirty or bad. Oh! And he won't let me give him a BJ either he says he thinks it's wrong but I can't figure out how to please him especially sense he never tries to please me.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Oh and no to the speaking with him thing. How do you bring that up? Plus he says I'm pressuring him when I wear lingerie how would he take me talking to him about it?


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

I've watched porn before when I went through a phase but he "says" he never has. I do read erotic novels some though.
He's very affectionate until we get to sex. If I touch him down there it's like he's scared by it.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Oy. Wearing lingerie isn't pressuring for sex. It's inviting. It sure sounds like your husband just ain't all that into sex.

How do you bring it up? Just like you're doing here. I encourage you to sit him down and say that the current situation has you concerned. Yeah, I know it's hard to do, but it is absolutely necessary. You must have a meeting of minds about your sex life. Rip off the band-aid and get down to it. I'm not going to tell you what to tell him - only you know exactly how you feel and what you think his is contributing to the problem, which is exactly what he needs to hear.

You on the other hand have to be prepared for the possibility that the answer won't be very much to your liking.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Sorry I missed your answers but I thought they'd email me. I just subscribed to the topic maybe now I'll know when I get an answer.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Well last night I just started kissing him and told him we could have sex more often. He said he had to use the restroom but he did try after turning off the tv and going to the bathroom.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It doesn't sound like your husband is a very sexual person. I bet that's why he fell for you, because with your history he probably assumed you wouldn't want sex very often and he'd be off the hook for being a super low drive man. But...surprise! Turns out you do want sex with your husband.

There is a thread on this forum that is two YEARS long about a young wife whose husband is also a very low sex drive man. Two years!

Dear, go read this thread...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/98817-ld-husband-journal.html


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
This may really call for a therapist for him, and possibly for you. Your previous experience was a horrible one of being raped. He seems to have very strong hangups about sex - thinking of your wearing lingerie as pressuring him is really unusual.

This is really not a normal sexual relationship.

You are behaving in a completely reasonable way, but he is not.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Thanks y'all for the advice. That link you gave me is applicable for sure but way too long for me to read it all. I keep thinking I'll miss the important part. I think might talk to him about seeing a doctor he just keeps saying he's 36 so he shouldn't need erection help yet. I think denial is a big part of his thought processes. Last night I tried to talk to him and he just said we love each other so we'll work it out. Like its a given. And we don't actually have to do anything it'll just happen. He won't go to a sex therapist for sure but I might be able to talk him into going to a MD. Thanks again.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Yes I was raped 15 yrs ago by my best friends husband. It was very hard. I was waiting til marriage to have sex so I didn't have any relationship remotely sexual until marriage. I thought I worked it all out but right bf we married in May I kept dreaming I was in bed with my husband and he'd turned to me and it would be the man that raped me. It was very disconcerting. But I really just thought it would be wonderful having sex within marriage. I wanted him to be understanding but I want him to want me too.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Oh! And thanks for your sympathies!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> Thanks y'all for the advice. That link you gave me is applicable for sure but way too long for me to read it all. I keep thinking I'll miss the important part. I think might talk to him about seeing a doctor *he just keeps saying he's 36 so he shouldn't need erection help yet. *I think denial is a big part of his thought processes. Last night I tried to talk to him and he just said we love each other so we'll work it out. Like its a given. And we don't actually have to do anything it'll just happen. He won't go to a sex therapist for sure but I might be able to talk him into going to a MD. Thanks again.



not true at 36 he could have sexual problems. It is usually assumed that it is due to a drop in testosterone. And, that is a contributing factor, but typically for men under the age of 50. 

There could be some psychological issues hampering his ability, but even at 36, there also physical issues. First one would be seeing a urologist to rule out any possible issues (I'm not here to diagnose, just suggest he see a professional in this area). If all checks out there, then cardiovascular issues contribute greatly to ED in men even in their 30s. 

Does he smoke or drink alcohol? If yes to either, how much in a week?

If all checks out, time to seek other professional help, marriage counseling (specific to this area of expertise).


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

No on the smoking but the heart thing made me think he did just get diagnosed with high cholesterol and triglycerides. Could that be the cause of LD and ED issues.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

And he's stopped drinking too. About a year ago.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> No on the smoking but the heart thing made me think he did just get diagnosed with high cholesterol and triglycerides. Could that be the cause of LD and ED issues.



I can't diagnose him, but cardiovascular issue can be a contributing factor in cases of ED... LD is another story, but I could imagine a guy who is having erectile issues coming off as LD to his significant other. Also some medication that help to control cholesterol can reduce erectile function. 

This is not an automatic that high cholesterol or high triglycerides or the medication he may be taking makes him ED, however it becomes one of a process of elimination and one that if addressed properly can help in this and other areas in his life. It may be time to live healthy, eating better (cut out any sweetened beverages, replace it with water), reduce empty caloric intake (snack foods like chips, etc). And, picking up on a regular exercise regime. If he is currently not active, he should start slow but also get a check up with his primary to see at what level of activity he should start at in this new lifestyle of exercise. 

This may also help take him off any pharmaceuticals he may be taking. Find ways to encourage him to give it a try.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> And he's stopped drinking too. About a year ago.



This is good. Alcohol is not the same for men as it seems to be for women... It can contribute to ED.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

He really should see a urologist in all this, just to eliminate any underlying issues.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Riamichele said:


> Thanks y'all for the advice. That link you gave me is applicable for sure but way too long for me to read it all. I keep thinking I'll miss the important part.


Ria, the important part is that the thread is two years old and still going. If the thread were a child, it would be walking and calling you mama.

Point is, that the longer you put off addressing this directly and firmly, the worse your chances it will ever improve.

He may have ED related anxiety. He may just be naturally low-drive. It may be related to baggage he's bringing with him. NONE OF THAT MATTERS if he will not take the first step to address it. And if you don't force the matter, he won't.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Ok I'll try to find a urologist, do you have to have a general doctor recommend them? 
He just started Lopid 3 weeks ago so that has no bearing since the problem started right after marriage on May 9th. 
Last night I really tried to talk to him about our problems but he just kept saying it would all work out. Maybe I should make him tell me all the specifics of when he slept with other women. I just have an issue with the fact that he's having this problem but yet he slept with other women. If he's LD why would he have done that. I was the virgin when we married.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> Ok I'll try to find a urologist, do you have to have a general doctor recommend them?
> He just started Lopid 3 weeks ago so that has no bearing since the problem started right after marriage on May 9th.
> Last night I really tried to talk to him about our problems but he just kept saying it would all work out. Maybe I should make him tell me all the specifics of when he slept with other women. I just have an issue with the fact that he's having this problem but yet he slept with other women. If he's LD why would he have done that. I was the virgin when we married.



To your first Q, this will depend on the insurance policy, but it may be best to establish a history with a primary physician before going straight to a urologist. A good physician should be just as interested in a person's healthy sex life as any other area, professionally speaking. 

I'm not sure how to address the other issues, since they are outside my area of knowledge. But as a guy, I might be uncomfortable with this line of questioning from my wife.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Btw, he may have switched from a cardiovascular ED to a pharmaceutical one. Again not diagnosing just suggesting. I like primary physicians who try to get patients to modify their lifestyle to control BP and cholesterol, etc. 

*Lopoid* - gemfibrozil (an alpha receptor agonist... This says a lot)
Less serious side effects may include:
upset stomach;
mild stomach pain, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea;
headache, dizziness, drowsiness;
mild joint or muscle pain;
*loss of interest in sex, impotence, *difficulty having an orgasm;
numbness or tingly feeling; or.
cold symptoms such as stuffy nose, sneezing, sore throat.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Btw, is he a type 2 diabetic or borderline (based on the medication of choice)?


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

From your description my mind goes right to maybe he is gay. 

Has he ever given you any suspicion at all he may be attracted to men?


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Not sure they didn't say but his triglycerides were 750 or something like that. He said he's never had a blood test before for any reason. And his cholesterol was high but not as high. They want him to eat better and have him on fish oil too. He's working 6 days a week right now which means he's tired and has no time for exercise. 
Unfortunately the Lopid can't be the problem but might add to it since he just started it. Of course he wouldn't tell the general doctor we went to about this problem because she's female. I just wish there was something I could do. I know in marriage sex is supposed to be an important part of relationship and he's so uninterested in it.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Man I hope not on the gay thing. He says he's never been attracted to men and he's straight but I do know once he got drunk and kissed a man but he was dressed like a woman. He says he thought he was a woman but I don't know. That was years ago.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> Not sure they didn't say but his triglycerides were 750 or something like that. He said he's never had a blood test before for any reason. And his cholesterol was high but not as high. They want him to eat better and have him on fish oil too. He's working 6 days a week right now which means he's tired and has no time for exercise.
> Unfortunately the Lopid can't be the problem but might add to it since he just started it. Of course he wouldn't tell the general doctor we went to about this problem because she's female. I just wish there was something I could do. I know in marriage sex is supposed to be an important part of relationship and he's so uninterested in it.



My primary is a female. There is an old saying in medical school, a physician often knows more than the spouse. He has to be comfortable talking about all his problems (even ED) with her and share the results with you or both you will never be able to get to the bottom of it. 

Again, not a diagnosis, but based on part of what you have mentioned, it sound like metabolic syndrome X. While this syndrome does not directly contribute to ED, symptoms associated with it can lead to ED. It is time to be proactive and adopt a healthier eating lifestyle. See a registered dietician if you need help. Also, when he comes home, as tired as he may be, a 1/2 mile walk together can be all he needs at this time.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

What is metabolic syndrome x?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> What is metabolic syndrome x?



Again, I'm not saying he has this but based on the medication he is taking and the level of cholesterol... 

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/metabolicsyndrome.html


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Okay thanks for the link. You've been helpful.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

But regardless, it makes no difference at this point... He may have ED associated with cardiovascular or possibly even diabetes. While the medication can help control his cholesterol levels, it will do little to help with his ED issue.

Lifestyle changes


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Riamichele said:


> Okay thanks for the link. You've been helpful.



Final article:

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/003164.htm

It is a complex issue, he needs to talk with his doctor to address it


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

He's in his 30's, working 6 days a week, on meds for high cholesterol, and isn't interested in sex. I can see it being medical or psychological or both!

How's his blood pressure? High blood pressure can cause ED, too.

What's his physical activity level like? Diet? If he is physically active and eating a healthy diet, he will have more energy and feel better mentally as well as physically. He'll also produce more hormones. Between the lot, he might want sex more.

Might he be depressed? People who use alcohol or drugs to cope with stressors are often depressed. If he quit "self medicating", perhaps he is feeling blah and could benefit from therapy and/or meds. Although some antidepressants do cause sexual issues, some can be found that do not.

Does he have any religious or secular upbringing that might make him think sex is wrong, or dirty, or that wanting to have hot monkey sex with your wife is somehow wrong/lustful/disrespectful?

Have you tried talking about his turn ons? Talking about your turn ons? Talked about exploring role play or bondage or whatever?


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

I can't get him to exercise, he's so tired when he comes home. His BP was fine when he went to the doctor. He's not depressed for sure. He did grow up attending the Seventh Day Adventist church, actually his Dad was the preacher. But he left that church 10 years ago. He acts like he thinks anything creative is dirty. Which is why he won't let me give him a BJ. I never thought that church could be effecting his views. I think I answered everything you said I haven't figured out how to include posts within my reply yet. Thanks.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

Oh! I've been trying to influence his diet since we married. He used to eat all take out hamburgers and such. Or just chips for lunch. Now I pack him a sandwich everyday and make dinner with vegetables. He does love bread though, I only let him have 2 rolls a day. He'd eat 10 if I let him.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Triglycerides at 750 and a sedentary bread addict? Trade the couch for sprints and freeweights, nix the dietitian and the statins and the rolls/empty grain carbs for a grassfed steak and buttered broccoli, get his testosterone checked, and then when he's got weight/blood chem/libido back to norm^H^H^H^Hoptimal you can start parsing all the mental sex hangups. 

How long did your chaste engagement last, anyway? Mid-30s is pretty old for a guy with normal sex drive & history to want to do the whole true-love-waits abstaining tango. So I too wonder if he married you in the belief that you were damaged goods and he'd be "safe" from having to be sexual. You're wise to ask if he was this way with the previous 5 women. Do they even exist?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am not an expert by any means and I am only posting because as I read through this thread several things stood out:
First the OP said she didn't know who to talk to about - well the first person she should talk to about is her husband. She needs to have a frank conversation about the matter. Not just the matter at hand, but how it makes her feel, what are her expectations, what are his expectations, how can they work together to solve the problem.
Secondly, the OP seems to want to latch on to a medical excuse. While that my be the case, first you must discuss the matter (see my first point)
Finally, the OP was directed to another thread that covers a two year period, but the OP said it was just too long to read. I guess I really don't understand this one. If the OP really wants to understand why would she not take the time to read the thread?
While I do understand the sentiment of saving your self for marriage, this thread is illustrative of one of the big pitfalls of doing so.


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## Riamichele (Aug 11, 2015)

I'm sorry but I don't like the inference that my husband sees me as damaged goods. He doesn't and never has. He actually loves me. We believe that God doesn't bless your relationship if you're sexually active before marriage. We were together for a year and two months and engaged for an additional 4 months. And we were challenged a few times where we got excited. But we stopped each time. And I can't imagine he'd lie to me about his past experiences because at the time he knew I'd rather him be inexperienced. Especially now that those girls didn't teach him anything. I got the idea that he needs to exercise and if I could control him he would but I can't. The other thing is reading a few entries at time is one thing but 400 entries is a little harder to read and assimilate on this little screen. They also didn't seem to be talking about a situation that paralleled ours. So I thought this is what this was for. I'm feeling kinda judged now so I'm just going to do something else. I'll check later in the day.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Riamichele said:


> Okay I'll try to answer all that I turned 40 in May and he's 36. He has been with roughly 5 women he's told me nothing about. I was raped when I was 25 but other than that nothing else. He does lose his erection really easily and I just don't know what to do to make him excited. He never even touched me it's like it makes him feel dirty or bad. Oh! And he won't let me give him a BJ either he says he thinks it's wrong but I can't figure out how to please him especially sense he never tries to please me.


This is meant to be a serious question: is there any chance he is 'in the closet'? Truly mean no disrespect, sometimes these people just haven't woken to their true desires, they can completely love someone but physically they want something else....something to consider perhaps....

Also, low testosterone, physical injury, depression etc. can be causes...


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