# Which comes first?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

I'm so frustrated and confused, I just want to cry. My husband and I have started counseling (just one session, so far), and are trying to work through our issues. The largest sticking point is my daughter. We both had children from previous marriages when we got together. I thought we had done fairly well getting through the blended family blues until my daughter hit puberty. 

Let's keep it real. My daughter is no fainting lily. She is a loud, opinionated, strong young woman (she's this year). My husband and I moved fro Minnesota to Florida last year, so that we could be closer to my older kids and grandkids. My daughter and her fiancé flew up to help us load the truck and get all of the vehicles down. We lived with them for a couple of months until I found a job and we found a place to live. During that time, I cooked, cleaned, and watched her son while she was at work. We also helped pay for groceries. They continued to pay all of the rent and utilities during that time, even though they were struggling financially.

About four months after we moved out, mold was discovered in their rental home, and conditions were not good for my daughter's newborn son. My husband invited them to come and live with us until they could find something else. The deal was that we would continue to pay all of the rent and utilities and they would help with groceries, just like the arrangement when we stayed with them.

My husband became critical of everything they did or didn't do, often storming out of the house and slamming doors. We have a nine year old son together, who is just beside himself thinking that his whole family is falling apart. There aren't many rental houses in our area in my daughter's price range, so they ended up staying with us for about five months, which nearly put my husband over the edge, and has placed a tremendous strain on everyone's relationships.

They moved out at the beginning of this month, but didn't move their bed, as they were going to come stay for a week while I took my husband out of town for surgery. When we came home, we left at 1:30 in the morning, in hopes that he would be able to sleep while I drove. When we got home, my daughter offered to take our 9-year-old to a festival, so that my husband and I could rest. 

While they were gone, they saw my daughter's father and grandmother. When my son mentioned this, I thought my husband's head would fly off. He immediately went outside and confronted my daughter, and ended up telling her to leave. I could handle that, except that the temperature was in the 40's, and she had her 7 month old baby with her and no vehicle (she had used our car to take our son to the festival). So, she's sitting at the end of our drive in the dark at 45 degrees with her infant waiting for her fiancé to drive the 15 minutes to pick her up. 

I understand that they were upset with each other. I don't know what was said or not said, but I know that they were both yelling loudly enough that it sent my 9 year old into another crying fit. What I don't understand is my grandson being banished outside in the cold and dark. I drove down to the end of the driveway and waited with them in the car until her fiancé came to get them. My husband doesn't feel he's done anything more wrong than my daughter did, because they were both involved in the argument. 

I went to visit my daughter, yesterday. In that one day, she learned that the mechanic that was supposed to be repairing her car, fleeced it and left town; her cousin has a malignant brain tumor; and the house that they're moving into is being sold, so she has to be out by the end of May. I went home and related this information to my husband, who can't understand why they don't just move back in with us?! I do give him points for entertaining the idea, though, even if it was only for my benefit.

So, this morning my son missed the bus. My husband called me at work and asked me to text the older kids and their spouses to see if someone else could take him to work (he can't drive). He called me later to tell me that the bus came back around to get our son, but was livid that my daughter didn't pick up the phone when he called her. Understand that she has horrible cell phone reception, and rarely is able to answer the phone. When I told him that, though, he said I was just making excuses for her. Frankly, I'm not sure that I would have taken a call from someone that had set me and my infant out on the street, either. I don't know if she didn't get the call or if she intentionally failed to answer, but he was absolutely livid. 

Then, the next thing I know, he's calling me asking me when they're going to get their bedroom suite out of our house, so that we can move back into the master bedroom. I told him that they really didn't have anywhere to move it at this point, and that I would transfer their stuff into the bedroom we're in now and move our stuff into the master bedroom this weekend. That set him off, again. He is adamant that my daughter come over and move the stuff. I keep telling him that it's going to take some time for her to get over what happened last weekend, but he won't hear it.

I honestly don't know what to do, at this point. My first instinct is to defend my children and grandchildren. But doing so puts my very tenuous marriage at greater risk. Am I being unreasonable by asking him to allow me to move everything, so that he can have his big bedroom, again? I miss my daughter. I miss my grandsons. I miss my mind! Please, any advice is appreciated. Even if you tell me that I'm in the wrong. I just feel completely lost.

Thanks so much,
Mattsmom


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Sorry for all of the type-o's. Guess I was on a bit of a rant. Anyway, the daughter in question is 24.

Mattsmom


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> I honestly don't know what to do, at this point. My first instinct is to defend my children and grandchildren. But doing so puts my very tenuous marriage at greater risk. Am I being unreasonable by asking him to allow me to move everything, so that he can have his big bedroom, again? I miss my daughter. I miss my grandsons. I miss my mind! Please, any advice is appreciated. Even if you tell me that I'm in the wrong. I just feel completely lost.
> 
> Thanks so much,
> Mattsmom


I'm so sorry you. You are in a difficult situation. Your husband is behaving very badly, IMHO. I think your poor son's reaction makes that clear.

Why do you think your husband does not seem to remember the severity of the drama he is part of?

Have you discussed the situation/drama with your adult daughter?


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

PieceOfSky,

I have discussed this with my daughter. She doesn't understand why my husband treats her the way he does. She assumes that he has completely stopped caring for her. 

My husband is disabled and rarely leaves the house. That being the case, he has become incredibly self-centered. He can see how other people's actions effect him, but not the other way around. I'm trying to get him to put himself in her shoes, but he just can't wrap his mind around it. When I asked him what he would have done if someone would have put our 9 year old and me out on the street when he was in infant, he said that he would understand where the other person was coming from. That's SO not an accurate assessment of how he would react. He's ready to rip someone apart for referring to our son as overweight, because my husband was overweight as a child. How much more strongly would he have reacted if someone actually put our child at physical risk?

He can't see how he's putting me into a position of choosing between him and my child. His anger hurts me, our children, and him, but he just doesn't seem to be able to comprehend that. I don't know where to turn, or what to do. I'm so tired of crying. So tired of saying the same things over and over. I just want to be able to be happy, again.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hey mattsmom. I initially had lots to say because I'm a step dad and I've had to deal with being put in the bad guy role. I had to make our son (her bio / my step) leave the house when he was twenty. Looking back on it she knows it was the right thing because we were enabling him to be pretty useless.

But after commenting, I quickly erased it because your husband is not me and your daughter is not my step son. I think when you have family issues like this it's important to put weight into the motives and it sounds like you think your husband's motives are of selfishness and entitlement.

If that's true or if you believe it to be true when you look back on this then it will decay your marriage without exception. I suggest going to a councillor to at least figure out what part of the dysfunction you're playing. Trust me you are playing a part just as your daughter and husband are. Without more information from you and your husband I think there's no way for us (TAMERS) to know what advice to give you unless we make assumptions that may or may not be accurate.

If you tell us some of how your husband justifies his actions to you then we may have more intelligent input.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

mattsmom said:


> I don't know where to turn, or what to do. I'm so tired of crying. So tired of saying the same things over and over. I just want to be able to be happy, again.


Do you have any chance if seeing a therapist if some sort? It sounds like you really need a safe place to let out your worries and frustrations, yet get some guidance and well-trained perspective.

I have no training or much experience here, but my gut is telling me to not ever let him distort reality and get away with it; if he has twisted it (e.g. "Why don't they just move back in?"), then I would explain it him very clearly. Sorry, that is probably not much help.

The one thing that seems obvious to me is you cannot carry this burden alone. It's not sustainable. You need to take care of you, before you can help others get their sh*t together.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

PieceOfSky,

Our next counseling session is coming up on Wednesday. I think that there are several things that have come to light since our last session that need to be discussed, there. I've also begun the process to seek IC. Hopefully this will help.

I do try to help him understand that his Jeckyl & Hyde approach to things causes turmoil and leaves the rest of us off balance, as we never know which persona we're going to be dealing with. I've been trying to get him into IC since late January, but he's just not that into it.

Thanks,
Mattsmom


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thundarr,

First, I just have to say that I love your profile pic! What a beautiful pooch!

Second, I want to thank you for your response. I honestly don't know where my husband's motives come from where my daughter is concerned. He blames her for an affair he had. I'm not even sure how you can make that work, especially when my daughter wasn't even in the same state at the time. My husband has anger issues, which he sometimes admits to. My therapist from IC recommended a couple of books for him, which I just ordered this morning. I will give them to him when they arrive, but I don't anticipate that he'll read them. In his mind, none of this is his fault.

I agree with you that I share blame in all of this, as well. I have issues with co-dependence, and want nothing more than for everyone to be happy no matter what I have to do to make that happen. I have been guilty of not telling my husband things, because I know it will set him off. 

As far as how he justifies things, it normally revolves around how he feels. He explained that the reason he set my daughter and the baby out on the street in the dark was because he had a bad week, and she yelled back at him when he went out and confronted her. He says that she should take into consideration how he felt, and that he'd just had surgery. Yes, he'd had a bad week. Yes, he'd just had surgery. Yes, when he stormed out the door and yelled at her, she yelled back. To me, though, none of this is justification for leaving a 7 month old child in the cold and dark.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thanks mattsmom. I am a softy for mastiffs.

The picture seems to get more and more clear but I don't know the solution. If seems like you husband demands respect and to be treated special but he's just not a respectful or special person. There's no wonder your daughter yells back at him when her opinion of him is probably very low. That doesn't change the fact though that it's yours and his house.

I don't think many people could live with him to be honest. I know I can't hardly be around the people I know who he reminds me of. I think you're focusing on him throwing your daughter out but really the focus needs to be is there anything about him that you actually respect.

I wish you luck and hopefully I've misread the signs and he's not the waist that I have pictured. I do think you deserve a partner who carries his own weight and at the very least appreciates you more when he can't.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thundarr,

I suppose you're right. I'm trying so hard to find the man that used to be there. It seems that the harder I look, the more I find that I never saw before. 

I know this sounds petty, but it's become typical of the kind of things that I've been seeing. Yesterday afternoon, the dog belonging to my neighbor across the road had gotten out of his run. The neighbor next door is afraid of the dog, and has sworn to call the pound if she ever sees it out, so I brought him into our yard. We have three acres that are fenced in, so he would have plenty of room to run, without causing the next door neighbor distress, and no one would have to worry about the dog being hit by a car. I left a note on his owner's door, and went about my day. My husband cursed the dog, his owner, and the fact that he was in our yard all evening until the owner returned and retrieved the dog. Why? My husband doesn't go outside. The dog didn't come inside. There were no fights between the neighbor dog and ours. We didn't have to feed the neighbor dog. He just played with our dog and laid on the porch. So, how did that warrant his cursing and anger? 

He gets jealous if I have a conversation with anyone else and appear to enjoy the conversation. It doesn't really matter who it is. It could be my mother, my daughter, or one of my co-workers. It's almost as if he feels that since he's essentially isolated himself, I should do the same. That's just not who I am. I enjoy people.

I have ordered a couple of books on anger management for men that my therapist recommended. Hopefully he'll read them. I'm leading my horse to water. I can only pray that he'll drink.

Thanks so much,
Mattsmom


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well his anger is a symptom and not the root problem. He probably doesn't think much of himself. He doesn't know why you're with him because he thinks he'd never put up with his own crap. He wants you to be as broken as he is so he knows you won't leave.

He needs a jolt to kick him into gear. This will keep eating at you until he starts do something that feels like he's trying and not just playing the victim. Not sure if a month separation would help or not but it may. At least it may humble him a little into realizing he can lose you unless he puts in effort to do right.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thundarr,

He knows I'm teetering. That's why he's agreed to go to MC with me. I just keep praying that things will get better. I don't want our son to have to go through a divorce, but I don't want him growing up surrounded with tension and animosity, either. Thanks for your help. I will keep working on me, continue MC, and see where it goes.

Mattsmom


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## kashifkhanm9v (Apr 24, 2013)

Hi 
Was your husband always physically challenged, or this is something that happened in recent time, if he became disabled recently than may be he is just upset on himself for not helping you guys enough.

I am sorry I missed the comment about having an affair. He has no right to cheat.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

kashifkhanm9v,

Actually, he first started having health problems in 2001. It was just an on and off thing. He worked for a few years after that, intermittently. In 2005, he was off work more often than not. In 2009 he finally received a diagnosis that qualified him for disability.

We've actually just found a doctor that seems to think he can reduce the pain dramatically. He underwent a couple of procedures a couple of weeks ago, and we should know in another couple of weeks whether it was successful, or not. I know that he feels emasculated by all of this. He's bound to. 

His anger issues started prior to the pain issues, though. I actually gave him an ultimatum the year before we were married. I told him that I loved him and that's why I was with him. At the same time, my children were with him only because I loved him. I indicated that his anger was hurting us all, and that since I was responsible for my children's happiness, he either needed to fix the situation, or I would be forced to leave. I told him at that point that my children would always come first. 

That still holds true, but the situation is different, because my older kids are out on their own, and our younger son is not just mine. He's my husband's son, too. I don't want to hurt our son. I constantly struggle with what to do for his sake.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Updating the old thread rather than starting a new one...

We had our second counseling session last night. Before I left work, I was dreading it. I didn't want it to be more of the same from last week, where I felt like he aired his issues, but nothing regarding our relationship was dealt with. This was a lesson in the danger of assumption! It didn't go anything like I feared.

Our therapist is an almost frail looking woman. She is very kind and has a quick smile, but you get the impression that she's no push-over. She proved that last night. She pointed out to my husband that he was 1) having a huge pity party for himself, 2) that he was talking about wanting to make our marriage work, but didn't appear to be interested in actually doing anything to work toward that goal and 3) she told him that he needed to get in for psychiatric services, but she did it all kindly and with a smile. I could have just hugged her! These are all things that I have been trying to convince him of, but he wouldn't hear it from me. 

I told him that I had ordered a couple of books for him that my therapist had recommended in my IC session while we were in counseling. He pretty much said that he wouldn't read them. He also told her that he probably wouldn't go to IC, because he thought it was a waste of time. I turned to him and asked him why we were there, if counseling was such a waste of time. After we left her office, not another word was spoken about what had transpired there.

I don't know if either of us got through to him, last night, but at least I walked away with a sense of vindication. This isn't all just in my head. I'm not being an unreasonable prat. I feel that I have done all that I can in leading my husband to water. My only question is, how long do I wait to see if he'll drink?:scratchhead: 

Our next appointment is next Friday afternoon, and I'm scheduled to be gone all day Saturday to do something with the kids for Mother's Day. I just don't know where to go from here. If he fails to seek help for himself, our marriage will not last. I can't make it work by myself any more. I just don't know how much longer to hang in there in hopes that he'll put in the effort.


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