# Will I ever feel normal again?



## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

I have been reading TAM on and off for 4 years. (my initial post is here) Unfortunately, things did not work out as I had wished and my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce after her PA and ILYBNILWY speech. While we were separated I tried for a year and half to be the best man I could be, to do 180's and try to light the way back home for her. 

After the divorce went final I took the low road. I figured I had nothing to lose at that point. I told her exactly what I felt about her, I told her she destroyed our family and was a thief for stealing 50% of the time away from my children and held back nothing in the way of nastiness. I resorted to parallel parenting and completely disconnected from her. BTW - kids are S 16 now 20 and D 13 now 17. I only communicated, if at all, through email. 

I hate her to this day. I have been through dozens of therapy sessions, tried a number of different anti-depressants but now I am afraid I will never feel "normal" again. I thought I might be doing better and on the right path for recovery but I found out today that she is in a long-term relationship and meanwhile I have been floundering and struggling to even find a date. I am angry. Angry that she destroyed our family and she has landed on her feet. I on the other hand remain profoundly hurt and am lesser of a person than I was before divorce. Isn't 4 almost 4 1/2 years too long to feel this way? When will the pain subside? Will I ever feel normal again? Probably all rhetorical questions with no good answers but I am just having a really bad week and wanted to vent.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm not going to give you the "it will be better" speech. Looks, sometimes life sucks and some things happen that are out of your control. However, there is a lot you are capable of taking control of, but instead you are letting life happen to you and are feeling helpless. The anger and self-pity thing you've got going is going to radiate throughout your life and make everything, especially dating other women, very challenging. 

If you want your life to be better you need to step up and make it better because no one is going to do it for you. So, if you want some help here's what I'd recommend.
1. Come up with your life plan/mission and rabidly pursue it. Guys that aren't doing what they feel like they were meant to do often have issues with depression. 
2. Get into great physical shape because that will positively affect your mood and dating options. Work out hard and eat healthy.
3. Buy a new wardrobe and choose things that make you smile when you put them on. My thing that makes me smile is a really nice watch that I wear every day and I got as a post-D present. 
4. Continue your counseling for co-dependence and try to figure out why you overvalue your XW and what you can do to move on.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you currently in therapy? If not, I think you should be. Yes, 4 1/2 years is a long time to still be stuck where you are. 

You need to pull your focus AWAY from your XW. YOU are the only one responsible for her taking up so much real estate in your head, and only YOU can change that. You need to make a conscious effort to push her out of your mind. (I went through the same thing myself with my ex) What happened with her is in the past, its not like you can change anything about it now, no matter how much you ruminate on it. But you can live a good life for yourself NOW, and going forward.

I know you are upset that she is in a relationship and you aren't, but to be honest, you are not appealing to quality women right now. No decent woman wants a man who is still stuck in anger about his ex, and not living his life in a healthy way, and it wouldn't be fair to expect a woman to have to deal with issues like these. Trust me, women see it on you before they even talk to you. Also, think of this... that man your ex is seeing is with a cheating POS, he will most likely be going through exactly what you did down the road, you know how that story ends. She is HIS problem now, but YOU are free. You are giving her WAY too much power in your life, why do you think you are doing that? There comes a time where anger no longer serves a useful purpose, and that time for you is now.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

For one thing you need to forgive her. I don't mean to say it was okay what she did, but to let her go entirely and move on. Stop thinking about her and what she's doing. Maintaining hatred for her is only bringing you down. Hatred is highly toxic and negative. Dwelling on hatred and negativity will keep you in a negative place.

You are placing way too much on her as far as your own happiness goes. Maybe the reason you can't get a date is because of your bitterness. People want someone they feel good with; not someone with a sour face. I can't even see you and you have clearly shown that you are unhappy and blaming it on someone else. Yes, she hurt you, but you divorced her and now it's time to build a life of your own. You don't need her in order to do that and why would you even want to with someone of her character!

Are you taking proper care of yourself through nutrition and exercise? If not, start today. Add more vegetables and make sure you're drinking enough water. Slowly cut back on carbs and sugar. Lift weights. Be physically healthy.

Build the relationships you have. Spend time enjoying your children and telling them how terrific they are and how much you love them. Make friends and nurture the relationships you already have. Love people and enjoy your relationships. If you live by this philosophy you will find a woman to love who will love you back.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

WakeUpCall said:


> I have been reading TAM on and off for 4 years. (my initial post is here) Unfortunately, things did not work out as I had wished and my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce after her PA and ILYBNILWY speech. While we were separated I tried for a year and half to be the best man I could be, to do 180's and try to light the way back home for her.
> 
> After the divorce went final I took the low road. I figured I had nothing to lose at that point. I told her exactly what I felt about her, I told her she destroyed our family and was a thief for stealing 50% of the time away from my children and held back nothing in the way of nastiness. I resorted to parallel parenting and completely disconnected from her. BTW - kids are S 16 now 20 and D 13 now 17. I only communicated, if at all, through email.
> 
> I hate her to this day. I have been through dozens of therapy sessions, tried a number of different anti-depressants but now I am afraid I will never feel "normal" again. I thought I might be doing better and on the right path for recovery but I found out today that she is in a long-term relationship and meanwhile I have been floundering and struggling to even find a date. *I am angry. Angry that she destroyed our family and she has landed on her feet.* I on the other hand remain profoundly hurt and am lesser of a person than I was before divorce. Isn't 4 almost 4 1/2 years too long to feel this way? When will the pain subside? Will I ever feel normal again? Probably all rhetorical questions with no good answers but I am just having a really bad week and wanted to vent.



The bit in bold? That's going to be a _huge_ contributor to your struggles with dating. That anger, resentment, even hate, for the woman who wronged you, spills out into the rest of your personality and you interactions with other women. Smart women who have themselves squared away can generally sense that in men a mile off. And they'll want nothing to do with it. No one who's emotionally healthy wants a partner who is still angry at their ex, bitter about life in general, and is carrying a thinly veiled hatred toward all members of the opposite sex. That's not fun, it's not sexy, and it often feels - and can actually be - downright dangerous. Besides, a man who is still enraged by and resentful of his ex-wife is a man who is still far too emotionally tied to her to really be able to tie themselves to someone new in a healthy way. 

I know you say you've tried therapy. But, have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy or something similar? In other words, have you been seeing a therapist to just talk about things, or have you been seeing a therapist who gives you specific tools to use, things to do, when thoughts of your ex-wife crop up? You need the latter. Just rehashing how terrible she is and what she did to you, over and over in therapy, won't help you move forward. You need specific steps you can take, things to do, to help yourself stop obsessing over your ex-wife and letting her control your thoughts and emotions. 

I would start by working on consciously redirecting your thoughts. Stop giving her the power to make you obsess over her. If you find yourself thinking about your ex-wife, her betrayal, how bad your life is now....consciously tell yourself to stop. You might even try saying it out loud if no one is around. Then spend a few minutes intentionally thinking of other things. Think of the ocean, taxes, your children, plans for tomorrow or for next week or next year...anything but her and what she did to you. You absolutely _can_ learn to control your thoughts. So start working on allowing her to take up much less space in them. Redirect your thoughts every time they stray to her. It will get easier with practice and, eventually, you will just think about her less and less. She will begin to lose her power over your inner life. 

In addition to that, start actively doing things to make yourself happy. Work out, eat right, dress well, be a great dad, make new friends or reconnect with old ones, take up new hobbies or restart ones you've given up on but still enjoy, volunteer, go back to school or get a certification, pursue greater success at work or maybe change careers to something you're more passionate about. Whatever you do, work toward making your life awesome and exactly what you want it to be. That will make you feel better about yourself and give you less time to think about your ex-wife. Being emotionally healthy and balanced, happy with yourself and the trajectory of your life, and confident in yourself, will automatically make you more attractive to, well, everyone.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

WakeUpCall said:


> I have been reading TAM on and off for 4 years. (my initial post is here) Unfortunately, things did not work out as I had wished and my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce after her PA and ILYBNILWY speech. While we were separated I tried for a year and half to be the best man I could be, to do 180's and try to light the way back home for her.
> 
> After the divorce went final I took the low road. I figured I had nothing to lose at that point. I told her exactly what I felt about her, I told her she destroyed our family and was a thief for stealing 50% of the time away from my children and held back nothing in the way of nastiness. I resorted to parallel parenting and completely disconnected from her. BTW - kids are S 16 now 20 and D 13 now 17. I only communicated, if at all, through email.
> 
> I hate her to this day. I have been through dozens of therapy sessions, tried a number of different anti-depressants but now I am afraid I will never feel "normal" again. I thought I might be doing better and on the right path for recovery but I found out today that she is in a long-term relationship and meanwhile I have been floundering and struggling to even find a date. I am angry. Angry that she destroyed our family and she has landed on her feet. I on the other hand remain profoundly hurt and am lesser of a person than I was before divorce. Isn't 4 almost 4 1/2 years too long to feel this way? When will the pain subside? Will I ever feel normal again? Probably all rhetorical questions with no good answers but I am just having a really bad week and wanted to vent.


Venting is always welcome here. I swear that divorce and the aftermath is one of the hardest things to put behind anybody. My ex is deceased now and I still can fall into the trap of resenting him if I allow myself to go there. 

You know what you have to do - you have to let go of it. So, it's not really helpful to remind you of what you already know. As long as you keep your present viewpoint, you will strengthen those thoughts and they will dominate your life's choices. 

Someone is out there waiting for you (sorry, it's song lyrics, I know) but you cannot take the hand of the one who is right for you as long as you focus on the one who was wrong for you. Time to make a new life. Every action you take every day towards building that new life is a brick on your new path. Start building.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hate being blunt, but you need tough talk.

Sorry if I offend you.

Anyhoo....

You are your own worst enemy. You come across as a hard person to live with.
Hell, you cannot live with yourself.

And, {and but}, I hate those words. And you are not willing or able to change.
As mentioned by @CynthiaDe you are bitter, blaming her for all your problems. 

You are responsible for your own life and personality.
I suspect you cannot repress or hide your baggage when trying to date new women.

Nobody likes sad people, nobody wants to deal with anyone else's baggage. They have their own!

She fell out of love with you because of your quirks, your inability to change.
And then she cheated.

The cheating is on her. Your personality is yours and yours alone.

Fix it, get better. Be fun to be with.
Hide your negative feelings.

The longer you can hide them, repress them the easier it becomes.
Make yourself 'presentable' to the world at large.

I know, you are talking to us, asking for advice. We need to hear these things in order to assess your problems.

Other people, especially prospective dates and LTR candidates do not need this.
It will drive them away.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> The bit in bold? That's going to be a _huge_ contributor to your struggles with dating. That anger, resentment, even hate, for the woman who wronged you, spills out into the rest of your personality and you interactions with other women. Smart women who have themselves squared away can generally sense that in men a mile off. And they'll want nothing to do with it. No one who's emotionally healthy wants a partner who is still angry at their ex, bitter about life in general, and is carrying a thinly veiled hatred toward all members of the opposite sex. That's not fun, it's not sexy, and it often feels - and can actually be - downright dangerous. Besides, a man who is still enraged by and resentful of his ex-wife is a man who is still far too emotionally tied to her to really be able to tie themselves to someone new in a healthy way.
> 
> I know you say you've tried therapy. But, have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy or something similar? In other words, have you been seeing a therapist to just talk about things, or have you been seeing a therapist who gives you specific tools to use, things to do, when thoughts of your ex-wife crop up? You need the latter. Just rehashing how terrible she is and what she did to you, over and over in therapy, won't help you move forward. You need specific steps you can take, things to do, to help yourself stop obsessing over your ex-wife and letting her control your thoughts and emotions.
> 
> ...


Print this out and read it every day, friend.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Every day that you suffer, do not find a new love, reinforces your EXW's negative feelings for you.

Live for you, not for her. 

The best revenge is a 'life well lived'.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Another thing....

We are all here together in this Era, this present life.

All of us.

Who says that you must like everyone else, that they too should like you?

Everyone has their own struggles, makes their own way.

For most....it ain't easy.

................................................................................

The alternative is death, nothingness.
No feeling of love, of hate, of indifference, of joy, of just..... blah.

Being blah, beats being nothing, being dead.

Thank God, or your Stars, lucky or not, that your were given a chance to live.
Living, being alive is the greatest gift.

Live and quit vegetating.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Sometimes defining feelings then acting on each can help.

First I'll say the well known adage, time will pass, things will get better.

Can you list why you feel like you're a "lesser" man?

Putting that to paper will, definitely, show the list will be finite. Not just "everything".

Pls take your focus of the XW. Karma is a booger, one day she'll get hers, if you want to think that once, then LET THAT GO. 

You're important. What you want to do is focus on you.

It will take just one day when you meet another woman, when you're ready, and that will take your already improved attitude higher to the next level.

But you're not dependent on another woman to make you happy. That will be a perk when it just happens.

Hang in there!


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

SuncMars, Rowan, CynthiaDe and others thanks for reality check on how this can be perceived by potential dates. I assure you the thoughts I expressed here are not the main topic of conversation on a date or even talking with women but I am sure your're right that the anger, mistrust and bitterness must come through at some level and can be seen a mile away. Rowan thank you for the practical advice - maybe some CBT is necessary and some thought redirection would be helpful when I find my self ruminating. I am currently in talk therapy but maybe that has it limits. I have been working out, did some wardrobe retooling, get out socially and somehow I have been able to mask and suppress the bitterness but it is still there and the last couple days have been a kind of back slide. I appreciate the advice from all - the tough talk, pep talk and shared experiences. I know I have not been right for this to be lingering and controlling me for so long. If I can't forgive I need to forget and let go.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Only you can answer that question. Happiness is a choice. You my friend have to have courage. Courage to believe that there is the possibility of happiness without her. You have your whole life ahead of you, your happiness is not tied to one person, it's your personal responsibility. So you can't find someone right now to date, well like the song/bible says there is a season, this isn't the dating season for that right now. 

So find other things to make you happy and do that. Take agency in your life. If you feel stuck go out, get out of your comfort zone. Take risks, shake it up. Live life. But most important control your thoughts, discipline you mind. When you think of her remind yourself that she is not the key here. YOU ARE. You can have a great life but you have to be courageous and feel the pain but still keep moving on. Give yourself permission to have faith. Think the thoughts for a short time but discipline your mind to move on to the next thing. And have a thing that IS the next thing. Do something you always wanted to do but were afraid to do. Just get out there and change the narrative. 

I say this in a practical sense and not to say others have it worse, but people went through war, hell even the holocaust and still had good happy lives afterwords. You can do this, it's not something that is insurmountable. 

We can't help you more then that, you have to take your power back. You finally understand what it means when they say take courage, it means be brave enough to have hope.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

WakeUpCall said:


> SuncMars, Rowan, CynthiaDe and others thanks for reality check on how this can be perceived by potential dates. I assure you the thoughts I expressed here are not the main topic of conversation on a date or even talking with women but I am sure your're right that the anger, mistrust and bitterness must come through at some level and can be seen a mile away. Rowan thank you for the practical advice - maybe some CBT is necessary and some thought redirection would be helpful when I find my self ruminating. I am currently in talk therapy but maybe that has it limits. I have been working out, did some wardrobe retooling, get out socially and somehow I have been able to mask and suppress the bitterness but it is still there and the last couple days have been a kind of back slide. I appreciate the advice from all - the tough talk, pep talk and shared experiences. I know I have not been right for this to be lingering and controlling me for so long. If I can't forgive I need to forget and let go.


Just this post right here, basically says it all. 

The fact that you have given your xWW all of this power over you is what your problem is, and will continue to be. 

Yes, women can smell your ISSUES a MILE away. And No healthy women would ever want to be with a man like this. 

Yes, whatever therapy you are doing now, or the therapist himself/herself need to change. If it has not worked in 4 1/2 years it will not work. 

You need a different therapist or a different type of therapist, no questions. 

But let me ask you some questions... Did you try to nice your wife back, did you beg, did you plead, did you try everything to get her back? 

If any of that is true, that is part of your problem. Even when you were going through it, you could not understand that you deserved better. You did not cause this. 

For whatever reason, she did not want to be with you anymore, and you could not accept that. 

Why is that? Why would you want to be with someone that does not want you? Do you think you somehow are not worthy of honest true love? Do you really think you are lessor than her affair partner. 

Why would anyone ever think that? 

You are a human being, unless you are abusive you did not deserve any of what she did to you. So why would you still feel this way? 

Do those questions make any sense? 

You deserved better then and you deserve better now... 

Change your therapy to something else and if that does not work, change it again. Move jobs, move towns, do whatever you need to do to get past this...

You deserve it...


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

You say you made a mistake in letting her have it by telling the truth about what she did to you. No, you were honest with her, and what you said she needed to hear. You didn't give her a pass. Good for you.

But after that, you needed to move forward. Instead, you froze and kept looking back. This is a biblical problem. Like Lot's wife, who looked back and turned into a pillar salt, your fixed gaze on the past has fossilized your spirit. You've created a paradigm around your ex-wife where her happiness adds to your bitterness. You need to 86 that paradigm and live by the principle of making healthy life choices and living a good life. Shed the negative forces that are holding you down. If you do, life will bless you. You need to be proactive and carve out a new destiny. You can do this. 

You get to choose.

I highly recommend that you read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. There is good medicine in Covey's ideas that will cure the struggles you are currently having.

I wish you luck, friend. I hate to see a man held hostage by the past. By the way, my wife left me and broke up our family for two different men. We married and divorced twice over her infidelity. This week she closed on a brand new house taking advantage of a government program that sells homes at a below-market rate to lower income earners. She is on cloud nine, and a part of me thinks that it's too bad that good things happen to crappy people. But I really have worked hard to not dwell on that idea. Instead, I focus on how good this is for my daughter who splits time with us. Truthfully, my life has been great since she left. I will never let one person box me into unhappiness. Life is too much of a gift to waste on negative thoughts about a lousy person. You have many new opportunities! You just have to open your eyes to them.

Finally, drop the therapy and start living your life, man! Check this out. It will lift your spirits and show you how it's done:

https://youtu.be/uXyxFMbqKYA


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## WakeUpCall (Aug 13, 2013)

Thanks Rick. Love that song and the Lot's wife reference is real appropriate. Thanks to all in this community for taking time out their days to chime in and help me get through a few bad days. I will re-read all of these posts to help keep my head on straight, take back the power, take agency for my life and carve out a new path. Happy Holidays to all and God Bless.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rick Blaine said:


> Finally, drop the therapy and start living your life, man! Check this out. It will lift your spirits and show you how it's done:
> 
> https://youtu.be/uXyxFMbqKYA


I believe therapy is beneficial on the acute phase of a crisis and in the immediate aftermath to help develop heathy coping mechanisms and to help establish an effective framework for moving on with your own life.

But I also agree with the above that at some point sitting in an office stewing about old problems instead of out living life is just prolonging the misery and putting the therapist's kids through college.

Two things you never see in the parking lot of a depression clinic - motorcycles and kayaks on the roofs of cars. 

Get out and do fun and healthy things with fun and healthy people and put the toxins in your rear view mirror.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

WakeUpCall said:


> I have been reading TAM on and off for 4 years. (my initial post is here) Unfortunately, things did not work out as I had wished and my marriage of 17 years ended in divorce after her PA and ILYBNILWY speech. While we were separated I tried for a year and half to be the best man I could be, to do 180's and try to light the way back home for her.
> 
> After the divorce went final I took the low road. I figured I had nothing to lose at that point. I told her exactly what I felt about her, I told her she destroyed our family and was a thief for stealing 50% of the time away from my children and held back nothing in the way of nastiness. I resorted to parallel parenting and completely disconnected from her. BTW - kids are S 16 now 20 and D 13 now 17. I only communicated, if at all, through email.
> 
> I hate her to this day. I have been through dozens of therapy sessions, tried a number of different anti-depressants but now I am afraid I will never feel "normal" again. I thought I might be doing better and on the right path for recovery but I found out today that she is in a long-term relationship and meanwhile I have been floundering and struggling to even find a date. I am angry. Angry that she destroyed our family and she has landed on her feet. I on the other hand remain profoundly hurt and am lesser of a person than I was before divorce. Isn't 4 almost 4 1/2 years too long to feel this way? When will the pain subside? Will I ever feel normal again? Probably all rhetorical questions with no good answers but I am just having a really bad week and wanted to vent.


*Rest assured that this, along with other BS's "prison sentences," is absolutely normal!

You have nothing to apologize for!*


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