# Resentments...



## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

How do you let go of the resentments? Really let them go....forever? Hubby and I are trying to figure out if we want to keep working on our very long marriage. I do believe we love each other, but I also know that when I made the move a thousand miles away from family and friends to be with him for his new job....I felt that I was sacrificing to make our marriage work...now I just don't know if that is possible. We have had five sessions together, and although I feel we have made some progress....I am having a VERY difficult time letting the past....be in the past. Both my hubby and I have many resentments, that we cannot keep carrying around if we have any chance of moving on together. One day I feel confident in my ability to let the resentments go, and the next....I find myself angry and hurt all over again. I know hubby just wants us to move onto building a stronger, healthier marriage, and I want that too, but I sometimes feel like I am hell bent on making his life miserable. Am I making any sense??? How do I let go of the anger...


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> How do you let go of the resentments? Really let them go....forever?
> 
> Hubby and I are trying to figure out if we want to keep working on our very long marriage.
> 
> ...


First a question, do you both actually want to remain married to one another????

Talking, sorry to make it sound so simple but MC is great if you can afford it but to be able to honestly and openly discuss your fears and anxieties, and as you both seem to have resentments you need to discuss those too.

But what the hell do you each resent? For your marriage to progress from this stage of pain and anger you have to both actively and rationally discuss the problems which bring forth the resentments, and I think that you both need to be working towards quelling those feelings and trying to substitute them with new feelings and new associations?

Can you be a little more specific with us about what you and your husband resent? Is it the new situation you find yourselves in? The feelings of loss and abandonment? Could it be that you are both grieving your old marriage and have not yet moved on?


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> First a question, do you both actually want to remain married to one another????
> 
> Talking, sorry to make it sound so simple but MC is great if you can afford it but to be able to honestly and openly discuss your fears and anxieties, and as you both seem to have resentments you need to discuss those too.
> 
> ...


He resents that during our 31 year marriage I didn't want to move, that I made the decision to stay and care for my invalid mother, that I told him twenty years ago that I didn't know how I felt about our marriage and my feelings for him (because of my anger over not feeling supported in caring for my mother), and also for our lack of sex and intimacy. My resentments come from not being supported when I had to care for my mother, his first affair with my friend, his need to watch porn on the internet, his decision to take a new job and move a thousand miles away despite knowing it was a move I did not want, and then...the most recent affair he had during our ten months apart before I was able to make the move to be with him. 
I don't think we are grieving our old marriage, because we both know it was not a very happy marriage. As you can tell....we have a great deal on our plate. Our counselor has told us its vital that we find a way to move on....and I agree. Its just very difficult to do...


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

havenrose33 said:


> He resents that during our 31 year marriage I didn't want to move, that I made the decision to stay and care for my invalid mother, that I told him twenty years ago that I didn't know how I felt about our marriage and my feelings for him (because of my anger over not feeling supported in caring for my mother), and also for our lack of sex and intimacy. My resentments come from not being supported when I had to care for my mother, his first affair with my friend, his need to watch porn on the internet, his decision to take a new job and move a thousand miles away despite knowing it was a move I did not want, and then...the most recent affair he had during our ten months apart before I was able to make the move to be with him.
> I don't think we are grieving our old marriage, because we both know it was not a very happy marriage. As you can tell....we have a great deal on our plate. Our counselor has told us its vital that we find a way to move on....and I agree. Its just very difficult to do...


OK, few issues there to be dealt with and hell yeah I can see the whole resentment on both sides, now, you say that you are not grieving the old marriage but what active steps have you taken to build a new one?

Have you taken up new mutual hobbies?

Are you having more sex than before?(not wanting to sound/seem crude, but LD/HD issues between you two at all?)

How do you find the interaction between you with chores and day to day living?

How would you say the communication is between you now?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do you still love your H? Does he say he loves you?


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

wranglerman said:


> OK, few issues there to be dealt with and hell yeah I can see the whole resentment on both sides, now, you say that you are not grieving the old marriage but what active steps have you taken to build a new one?
> 
> Have you taken up new mutual hobbies?
> 
> ...


We have taken many steps to build a new marriage. We are in counseling, we are reading several books on affairs, we are trying to be more open and honest....as for hobbies, we share walks and bike rides and both enjoy spending time sightseeing. Our sex life has improved a great deal (of course we lived a thousand miles apart for 10 months before I moved to be with my hubby). We are honestly getting used to living in the same house again after our time apart. We both grew a great deal while apart, I learned to get by on my own, and so did my hubby. He learned to do laundry, and clean a house...and I learned to repair a wood pellet stove and maintain a car. Our communication still needs work, and we are hoping the counseling will help. We both tend to close down when faced with difficult issues, and we both need to work on listening...when the other is talking.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Do you still love your H? Does he say he loves you?


Yes, we are both in love with each other. I know that there have been times when my hubby doubted my love through my actions, or should I say...lack of actions. I have doubted his when he made the decision to go outside of marriage. We do both truly love each other, I think that is the one thing we are sure of at this point..


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

Willowfin said:


> I'm far from being an expert - never been cheated on by exh. But resentments I do know something about!
> Finding myself pregnant (by him) and unsupported and ended up having a termination (already had one child before I met ex and couldn't cope bring up a 2nd unsupported) caused some heavy resentment in our marriage.
> Also finding out in the early years of our marriage that he didn't really love me didn't help.
> Anyway - after 16 somewhat difficult years we separated.
> ...


I am hoping the counseling does keep helping us, I feel that it has up to this point. I also can see how difficult it was for my hubby to cope with me caring for my mother, but I had no choice, I was the ONLY one who could help, she never actually had to live with us and did remain in her own home for many years until she eventually had to enter a nursing home. But...she was a difficult person to please, and I allowed that to impact my life way too much. One the reasons I made the move to be with him was that I felt it was his time, but leaving my daughters, family and friends was VERY difficult for me under the circumstances (I had just found out about his affair). I think most of the intimacy issues were mine. I had a great deal of anger over the years for not feeling supported, he worked a great deal of hours and was not around much to help with the house or the kids. Lack of communication was our biggest issue. We didn't talk until things got to a point where one of us blew up. I do think he felt lonely in our marriage, and so did I. I just never felt the need to have an affair, I was far too busy with everything else. We both made huge mistakes that helped destroy our marriage...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I, too, have a long-term marriage that had many, many resentments built up over a lot of years. I reached a point, though, where I just got tired of grinding the same old axes. I didn't want to go into my 'golden years' being eaten up by the same things. After all, what does any of it really matter in the end?

So, I tried hard to see my H with some true empathy instead of the natural stance of adversary that had developed over the years. I tried to look at him as just as vulnerable and hurt as I was and just as human. I also took great note of the fact that he was still there trying, just as I was, so I gave us both credit for that. I, too, had made a number of difficult moves for him & I, too, felt that I still loved him.

I don't buy the idea that you get over things or find closure or come to peace with much of the hurtful stuff. What works for me is to say that I will always have some anger and hurt about some of the things from the past, but that doesn't have to be the present or the future. So, I take each day & see my H with as much empathy as I can and try to generate some value for our life together.


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## havenrose33 (Aug 7, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I, too, have a long-term marriage that had many, many resentments built up over a lot of years. I reached a point, though, where I just got tired of grinding the same old axes. I didn't want to go into my 'golden years' being eaten up by the same things. After all, what does any of it really matter in the end?
> 
> So, I tried hard to see my H with some true empathy instead of the natural stance of adversary that had developed over the years. I tried to look at him as just as vulnerable and hurt as I was and just as human. I also took great note of the fact that he was still there trying, just as I was, so I gave us both credit for that. I, too, had made a number of difficult moves for him & I, too, felt that I still loved him.
> 
> I don't buy the idea that you get over things or find closure or come to peace with much of the hurtful stuff. What works for me is to say that I will always have some anger and hurt about some of the things from the past, but that doesn't have to be the present or the future. So, I take each day & see my H with as much empathy as I can and try to generate some value for our life together.


Thanks for your response. It makes me hopeful! I do think that my husband and I both have an issue with empathy. Neither of us is very good at really considering the others feelings. I know we have to find a way to improve our communication, and learn how to really listen to each other. I came to a realization that I think I may be having an issue with letting the resentment go as a way or protecting myself. When he had his first affair (20 years ago), it took me a very long time, but I did eventually let go of the resentments. Now...here we are all those years later and he gets involved in another affair. This time.....I am finding it much more difficult to let it go. I am so afraid of being hurt again, and I don't know if I could physically or mentally make it past another betrayal. I keep hoping he can find a way to help me to trust him again. We are not a young married couple, we are in our early 50s and after 31 years of marriage......trust should not be an issue. I know we have the love for each other, now....I am hoping we can work on making sure we show it...every single day.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

havenrose33 said:


> I don't know if I could physically or mentally make it past another betrayal.


Maybe you can try to reframe this to believe that you will absolutely make it past another betrayal. Your marriage probably won't - nor should it - but you will make it past it. You're an individual with your own strength. You have control over your own choices and future. You can choose now to work on things with him. This is a choice that you can disavow if you need to. You have the control.

We so many of us feel trapped, but usually we are not. Try to liberate yourself and realize that you will survive intact if your H fails to step up to the plate. I hope he succeeds.


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