# When does it come back



## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

A question but I'm sure others here have had similar complaints. I'll give some background first.
I have been married 12 years to my wife and have 3 children. Although we have normal maritial issues such we had a very good marriage. Two months ago when she was extremely drunk she made out with a random guy. There have been no infidelities before this event. There was nothing else that happened as this incident was witnessed. We have read books, and are seeing a MC. We are back to full intimacy including sex, oral, touching, etc but I'm unable to make out with her/French kiss. When I have tried, I get a rock feeling in my gut and horrible memories.

I think this is normal, but wanted to see how others have delt with his. It could also be how others delt with other physical aspects of a WS?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You caught her making out. The image is burnt into your head. You're scarred.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

aug said:


> You caught her making out. The image is burnt into your head. You're scarred.


This.

That said, kudos for working through this. Being drunk was no excuse, She would have done it sober, but I am sure you know that.

Just deal honestly with the issue. Acknowledge it, maybe even talk about it. Not to make her feel guilty but so she understands what you are going through. Maybe she can help you.


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## All of a sudden (Jan 24, 2013)

Probably just take time, if you've forgiven her and are moving on. Ugg I hate mind movies!


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

How long ago did this happen? I have a list of things to get over since my WW wife did just about everything with the OM (i.e., kissing, oral, anal, sexting, in a car, etc. Ad nauseum.) I really have no choice if I want to stay with her. I mean I'm not going to stay with her and not have sex, that's what got us here in the first place. The way I look at it I'm not going to let the OM (or my WW for that matter.) take sex away from me. I know my WW has changed, I have no doubts. So I just look at what she did as being done by the "old" wife. I'll admit it's not easy at all, but we do talk about it. It's been about six months and it has gotten a lot better, although I still have "spells". This sounds simplistic, but I just don't focus on it anymore. It helps that the wife understands so I just try focus on the present and the future. It does get better.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

She made out with a random guy even when you are present some where near. You witnessed it, Why you are thinking this was her first time?

Make it sure first.

Then, even after being in a good marriage why she need some other guy? Its time for some IC for her to find out what is broken in her.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> This.
> 
> That said, kudos for working through this. Being drunk was no excuse, She would have done it sober, but I am sure you know that.


I acutally don't think it would have happened sober (not that makes it better or easier), it was a bad atmosphere that we are working on. I have more trouble struggling with that something else could have happened if she wasn't walked in on.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

The problem, my man, is this...if she was drunk and this happened, you and she BOTH need to figure out why it happened. See, this sh-t doesn't just BAZINGA...happen. No wife or husband just gets drunk and makes out with someone. There's an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Make sure you address it like pronto.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to find out why---it could very well be that she was just so attracted to the guy---she didn't care about the consequences---and yes if she hadn't been caught, she might have spread her legs----

What have you done in the way of accountability, and boundaries---cuz you should not just let her back into her cushy lifestyle so quickly

She stays in the marital bed---she gets sex---she has full marital privaleges---she now knows nothing was done this time---so knowing that, when she is turned on again---and she will be----why shouldn't she get physical with some guy again-------you tell me,!!!!!! why does she need to be loyal---you obviously are giving her a get out of jail free card

Or, can you at least tell me---she does not get to taste alcohol anymore---she is to be at your side socially all the time, she is not to contact other men whatsoever, absolutely no GNO---I E--nothing that would allow her TO GO IN HARMS WAY---have you done any of this---also how about her signing a Post--Nup

Some may say, I am being a bit to harsh---but how many of you who would say that, would like the vision of your spouse in a mad passionate kiss----WITH A GUY/GIRL SHE/HE JUST MET???????


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

jnj express said:


> You need to find out why---it could very well be that she was just so attracted to the guy---she didn't care about the consequences---and yes if she hadn't been caught, she might have spread her legs----
> 
> What have you done in the way of accountability, and boundaries---cuz you should not just let her back into her cushy lifestyle so quickly
> 
> ...


We are making big changes. Starting with a post nup


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

And what changes would those be---and what will be the ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES


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## mikee (May 2, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> How long ago did this happen? I have a list of things to get over since my WW wife did just about everything with the OM (i.e., kissing, oral, anal, sexting, in a car, etc. Ad nauseum.) I really have no choice if I want to stay with her. I mean I'm not going to stay with her and not have sex, that's what got us here in the first place. The way I look at it I'm not going to let the OM (or my WW for that matter.) take sex away from me. I know my WW has changed, I have no doubts. So I just look at what she did as being done by the "old" wife. I'll admit it's not easy at all, but we do talk about it. It's been about six months and it has gotten a lot better, although I still have "spells". This sounds simplistic, but I just don't focus on it anymore. It helps that the wife understands so I just try focus on the present and the future. It does get better.


Holy Cow, its been 7 months for me dealing with an EA and i am still going nuts, lol I still hold off as long as i can before having sex with her, but then i have to give in, she so sexy and pretty damn, im screwed. I wish i had your mental strength, was just a real shock for me


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

If you're asking when things go back to how they were before then the answer is never. Time will pass and it will trigger less frequently but you'll never have blind trust with her again.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> If you're asking when things go back to how they were before then the answer is never. Time will pass and it will trigger less frequently but you'll never have blind trust with her again.


:iagree::iagree:Yep in a nutshell.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

mikee said:


> I still hold off as long as i can before having sex with her, but then i have to give in, she so sexy and pretty damn, im screwed. I wish i had your mental strength, was just a real shock for me


Why hold off sex with her. In my mind she should be proving the EA was nothing and you're the one she really wants. What's a better way of doing that than "submitting" to you on a regular basis. Mental strength my azz. Make her take care of you.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> If you're asking when things go back to how they were before then the answer is never. Time will pass and it will trigger less frequently but you'll never have blind trust with her again.


I guess that is my greatest fear. All of that over a stupid kiss and I'm not sure I will get over it. Scary to think that a drunken mistake can break up a 12 year marriage and 3 kids. 

Guess I'm curious what others would do or have done if this was a truly isolated event and never happened before. A lot to throw away over a 3-5 minute mistake.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

mack25 said:


> I guess that is my greatest fear. All of that over a stupid kiss and I'm not sure I will get over it. Scary to think that a drunken mistake can break up a 12 year marriage and 3 kids.
> 
> Guess I'm curious what others would do or have done if this was a truly isolated event and never happened before. A lot to throw away over a 3-5 minute mistake.


A time machine would fix the problem maybe. 3-5 minutes of betrayal is a lifetime of pain especially if you obsess. Many do infact reconcile when it's truly an isolated event. Also many false reconcile though when it's not. It's her job to give you no choice but to believe she's emensely remorseful (doesn't mean sorry she was caught). Trickle truth is cancer to reconciliation as is deceit.

There's some reason she allowed this to happen and it must be known and you must know what's changed that will prevent it. Even then upon reconciliation, you will still have moments of anger and rage where you want to just emotionally rip her apart for betraying you. That's normal. The good thing is it will become less frequent and the bad news is it will pop up on occasion forever.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Try and find out why, then see of you can help her be more committed and help you both with the relationship. Also at the same time work on your alternatives in the event that you do not get to the bottom of why and get it improved.

If this incident is going to have you live in fear and/or worry for the rest of your life then prepare yourself to be as self sufficient as possible. In any event I would not divorce over a drunken makeout; at least not until the children were grown. The reason for the drunken makeout is more serious than the one time makeout.


Don't do anything real drastic right now. You have plenty of time to work on this, evaluate, and prepare yourself for the future.

PS
Stop with the teenage lifestyle oif drinking and getting drunk. You have children now and that drunk option should be thrown out the window. Drinking is a very low priority when you have a family. If you are thirsty drink water or juices; a lot less chance of lowering your self control.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Is it even worth it? I know many BSs here have a spouse that is dealing with emotional problems, drinking, etc. My wife had had two bouts of opiate addiction, one of which she was caught diverting meds at her hospital. Now, an affair. I know people are broken, God knows I have problems of my own, but I've always been the one to pick up her shattered remains and put her back together. I haven't had a drug problem, or had her console me as I twitch my way through withdrawal. She didn't come home to find me sobbing, considering suicide. Now this? Don't we deserve someone who is generous with their love, and honest? No sneaking around, no sharing intimacy with others? Is it even worth the effort to reconcile if I have to wonder if I can ever forget that she did this to me when I was at my lowest, and needed her the most?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Is it even worth it? I know many BSs here have a spouse that is dealing with emotional problems, drinking, etc. My wife had had two bouts of opiate addiction, one of which she was caught diverting meds at her hospital. Now, an affair. I know people are broken, God knows I have problems of my own, but I've always been the one to pick up her shattered remains and put her back together. I haven't had a drug problem, or had her console me as I twitch my way through withdrawal. She didn't come home to find me sobbing, considering suicide. Now this? Don't we deserve someone who is generous with their love, and honest? No sneaking around, no sharing intimacy with others? Is it even worth the effort to reconcile if I have to wonder if I can ever forget that she did this to me when I was at my lowest, and needed her the most?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is so well said. The point is that if they will not stand by you when you are at your strongest will they be their at your weakest? I think not and I believe you do deserve a partner who will be by your side through blood and guts or for better and worse, why would I think a women I could not even trust to keep her legs shut be there for me on anything.

Keep strong


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Mack, just one question, what if the table was reversed and she caught you in the act of doing that. It is a betrayal plain and simple. In those 13 years of being married, you folks should no each other by now. If she had a drinking problem, maybe that atmosphere was not the place to be. If I had stumbled onto that, which I have, it would take a lot of strength to not dish out lumps. 

For me, alcohol or not there is a reason for what she did, whether it's marriage problems or other. Like all the good folks here I agree with what they are saying, there is something deeper going on. To which it takes a lot of b***s to do that when you are there. This is all IMHO of course. Good luck to you, this is not going to be easy to deal with.


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## mack25 (Apr 6, 2013)

Rottdad42 said:


> Mack, just one question, what if the table was reversed and she caught you in the act of doing that. It is a betrayal plain and simple. In those 13 years of being married, you folks should no each other by now. If she had a drinking problem, maybe that atmosphere was not the place to be. If I had stumbled onto that, which I have, it would take a lot of strength to not dish out lumps.
> 
> For me, alcohol or not there is a reason for what she did, whether it's marriage problems or other. Like all the good folks here I agree with what they are saying, there is something deeper going on. To which it takes a lot of b***s to do that when you are there. This is all IMHO of course. Good luck to you, this is not going to be easy to deal with.


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