# What happened to my good guy? (Very Long, sorry!)



## ljmc327 (May 26, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 3 before that. We have two kids, ages 3 and 6 months. He was the "nice" guy. Quiet, and softspoken and loved to give hugs and showed up at my apartment with flowers or to surprise me. While we were dating, the only issue we really had was that he was very posessive, and got jealous if I talked to any of my male friends or co-workers. By the second year of dating he had really mellowed out and we were very happy together. We spent a lot of time going to the beach, bike riding, going to football and baseball games, having friend over for parties, etc. Literally one week after we married, I felt like I married a completely different man and the guy I dated permanently disappeared.

After our wedding, we moved into a new apartment. I had gone to the store to get cleaning supplies and I came home to find him sitting at the computer with a piece of paper. I looked at it, and it was a printout from some hack site with all my email and account passwords. He was in my email account, reading all my emails and had logged into my credit card and savings accounts. I had nothing to hide, but felt so betrayed that he couldn't have just asked me. He said it was his right, as my husband to have full access to any of my accounts. We had a HUGE fight about it. Which was funny because over the next 5 years I would find out about secret accounts he still had. From there everything just got worse. 

We both worked in Manhattan but I worked longer hours. I left the house around 5:30am and usually didn't get home until 6:30pm. He left at 8am and got home around 5:45pm. When I would get home, the first thing he would ask is what we were having for supper. Usually I didn't mind and had something planned, but after a few weeks, one night I had to work late and didn't get home until after 8pm. He was pissed off that I didn't have something prepared for dinner as soon as I got home so he left and didn't come back until 2am, smelling like alcohol. Almost every meal he would complain about it. I have always cooked for my family and friends, had dinner parties, etc. and although I am no chef, I have never thought I was bad. His own mother had me cook her holiday meals. But, he complained about every meal, never once saying thank you or that anything was good.

I found out I was pregnant about two months after we were married and although he was the one that said he wanted children right away, his reaction was "well, that sucks". The entire first trimester of pregnancy I was very ill and the thought of cooking made me want to vomit but to avoid any kind of argument with him, I made sure to have something for him. I was so confused on why he was acting this way, I really thought he was cheating on me and resented me, but other than that one time, he never went out anywhere, just sat at home and complained about everything. 

Knowing we would need a bigger place and thus more money, I started taking graduate courses to get my master's. My husband had a few classes to complete his bachelor's but everytime I suggested he take them, he would make up some excuse (it's fall and baseball playoffs are on soon or the holidays are coming up or the baby is due soon). I also completed a promotion exam and interview at my job. I got a raise which put me ahead of my husband's salary. At first I thought he might be upset by that, but he wasn't. He was happy. I thought he was happy for me and my accomplishment, but when he asked me how much extra $ I was going to get for my paycheck and I told him, two days later he goes out and signs up for a membership at a golf course, buys a 40" flatscreen TV and upgrades our cable to HD (at the time it wasn't free). The total cost was just about the same as what I would have gotten extra. This was supposed to be money for a new apartment and the baby. I told him that and he tells me to hurry up and finish my degree then. 

With my new job and the classes and the pregnancy, I was so exhausted and stressed. By 7 months into my pregnancy I had such severe swelling, it was difficult to walk. My legs and feet would hurt and so my doctor told me to keep them elevated. If I put my legs up on the couch, my husband would tell me to get my "fat, ugly feet off the couch". We didn't have any room for a coffee table or footstool in our living room (yes, we desperately needed a bigger apartment!) so my only choice was to go lie down on the bed. But if I did, he would call me fat, lazy and whiney and tell me to suck it up, millions of women get pregnant all the time. Which, was really crazy to me since during my pregnancy I gained 50lbs but he gained 85lbs and wasn't even pregnant. He says it's because he had to resort to junk food since I didn't cook a decent meal.

I took my final exams and submitted my final coursework the Saturday before my due date. On Sunday, we were at my in-laws and they noticed how my husband would not so much as get me a glass of water. My brother in law actually said in front of everyone "Dude, what's your problem? You're wife is carrying your child and you can't even get her a drink? What's the matter with you?" My husband laughed and got me some water. He and his brother left for awhile and when they came back, it was like my old boyfriend had returned. For the next week, he was SO sweet to me. Giving me massages, buying food for me, etc. I was so happy and thought he really cared about me. My job rewarded me with another promotion and raise since I had completed my master's. Everything was great. I gave birth to our daughter the next Saturday, the day after my due date. After the baby was born, my husband seemed so excited and happy. About an hour after the birth, I was having complications and thus I was taken to the OR just in case. Since I was put under, I don't know how long I was gone, but when I woke up I was having a blood transfusion and on oxygen and my heart was being monitored. My husband wasn't there so I asked the nurse where he was. She said he went home. For the next 3 days, he didn't come back. He didn't answer the phone or anything. His mother and other family stopped by, all saying they didn't know where he was. The day I was to be discharged, I called him and he finally answered. I told him that the baby and I were going to be discharged at 3pm. He tells me he is at work and he gets off at 5:00pm. I asked if he could leave early and he tells me he isn't a slacker who takes off work for no reason. So, the baby and I wait, in the lobby area, from 3pm until 6:30pm when he finally shows up. Because of my complications and massive blood loss, I was very weak and the nurses told him to help me get in and out of the car. His response was that I have two legs and if I can't use them what's their purpose? Apparently, the "nice guy" had disappeared.

I had 5 weeks off during maternity leave, and during that time, I was trying to recover, take care of the baby, cook, clean, and although I was technically on maternity leave, I was still "on-call" via phone/email. My husband did nothing, and when I told him that I needed more than 30 minutes of sleep at a time, he has his mother come over. She was a great help, but she also has a job and couldn't stay for more than a few days. When I tell him that I think I need to get someone to help me a bit here and there, he tells me that I am so pretentious and spoiled, acting like I am the only woman to ever give birth and have to take care of a kid. I started to get really depressed thinking that maybe I really was a horrible mother and why couldn't I just deal with it?

When I went back to work, with my new promotion, I began working so much that I was often out the door by 5am and not home until well after 9pm. I took our daughter to daycare in the mornng and my mother in law picked her up. She also cooked and cleaned for us. I felt that I was not living up to what a wife should be, and when my husband started to tell me that's exactly what his mother thought of me, I started to believe it. I took on another temporary job for an insurance company as a document agent just to get extra cash to save up for a downpayment/security for a bigger apartment. After a few months, we moved. It was a beautiful place, and I had gotten a bonus from my job so we used it to buy some nice furniture and such. My husband seemed happy and wasn't harrassing me so much about household stuff and the baby. My work hours decreased somewhat and we got into sort of a "family" routine. 

Some friends of ours had planned to go on a vacation for about 5 days and wanted to go as a group of couples. My husband and I were both there and he told them that sounded great. I had not been on a vacation since I was a kid with my family or took more than a day or two off (with the exception of maternity leave) since I had started college. I was very excited and when we got home I asked my husband if we should look into the price of the flights. He looked at me as if I was crazy and says "are you serious? You are a mother of an 8 month old baby and you would just leave her to go on a selfish VACATION? What kind of mother are you?" I was SO confused. On the one hand, I thought he was probably right. On the other hand, I thought I sort of deserved some kind of break. My job wanted me to do a certification program which involved more classes and longer hours again and I just didn't know if I had the strength to continue. My husband had told me he wanted a new job, and yet, the only thing he had done was to talk to a friend of his who was a recruiter and wait for him to get him a job. Since he didn't have his degree, it was even harder to get him something substantial. So, my next job was to get him a better job. I spent hours late at night going through job sites and sending his resume for him, scheduling interviews etc. I took him shopping so he could get a new suit for the interviews and all that. He finally got a new job, but after two weeks said he hated it and quit. He got another new job finally, but it didn't pay a whole lot more than his first one. 

He decided we should buy property but I knew there was no way we could afford it in NYC and so we decided to look at the midwest. My company had an office in the midwest so I put in a transfer. My husband quit his job, I transferred mine and we bought a brand new home, a new car, an entertainment system and all the stuff for a new house (lawn mower an all that). My husband again, was in such an awesome mood, was so nice and happy. I thought that maybe he was just not meant to live in the city and the environment change would be good for all of us. 

He got a temp job and we moved into our new house. A few months after moving, he says he wants to have another baby. Things were going well, so I agreed and I got pregnant again. When I told him, he seemed genuinely excited, apologized for his behavior during the first pregnancy and even bought me flowers. Everything was great.... Then I found out we were having another girl. Two days later, I found out I had gestational diabetes. A week after that, the doctors were afraid of letting me go full term due to the complications I had had in my previous birth. I watched my husband get more and more distant, complaining about everything. If I made a meal that was "healthy" for me, he would say I don't care about anyone else and that the gestational diabetes is not his problem but my own. 

That summer, he was in a softball league and since I was nearly 8 months pregnant, it was very hot and I had a two year old with me, I didn't want to go to the tournament. It started at 10am and went until 7pm, the heat index was 110F and I had a very strict schedule for eating and taking medication. My husband went into a rage that I don't support him, don't care about him and do nothing for him, so I gave in and went. By about 2pm, I was feeling very lightheaded and my shirt was drenched with sweat. My bloodsugar was swinging back and forth so much that it was hard for me to know whether or not to eat or take the medication. I finally told my husband I needed to get home. One of our neighbors who played on the team said "Man, your wife is a trooper being out here in this heat and pregnant." My husband said "yeah, I don't know why she thinks she needs to stay all day. Honey, go home and rest and I'll bring some ice cream after the tournament tonight." He was SO fake, I wanted to scream at him. Anyway, I went home (he never brought me any ice cream, but instead went out drinking with his teammates until 2am) but ended up having to go to the ER the next day for severe dehydration which caused me to go into premature labor. They were able to stop it and use the IV to rehydrate. As with the birth of my first daughter, I had to hire a cab to pick me up at the hospital since my husband was hungover and couldn't get me.

After that, he returned to his old ways of thinking I should suck up any issues I have with pregnancy, rarely spending time with his daughter, expecting the house to be taken care of and expecting me to work longer hours and make more money. 

I gave birth to our second daughter with very little complications, thank goodness. He slept in the waiting room while I was in labor, came in to see the baby after they cleaned her up and I didn't see him again until the next day when I was discharged. He did pick me up though. 

My family came into town and he became his nice self again. Running errands, helping with the baby, being sweet to me. Once they left though, it was back to reality. This time, I took 12 weeks off for maternity leave. My husband was upset, because I wasn't getting paid for all of it and he didn't think I needed all that time off. About halfway through my leave, my company told me they were eliminating the office location I was working for, but offered me the same position via telecommuting. The only bad thing was that I would have to start traveling about 25% of the time. They offered me another raise (by now I was making more than double what my husband was making) and I took it. I had finished the certifications they had asked and was now going to be managing two offices in the midwest (both in different states). I had to figure out a schedule for childcare for the girls since I am away for several days at a time. I am responsible for paying all our bills so I had to setup automatic pay for all of our accounts because it was too hard for me to keep up with payments while traveling. My older daughter was having behavioral issues at school, so I was trying to deal with that and schedule appointments for her. My husband wanted a lot of home improvement things done such as finishing the basement, putting on a new deck and patio, building a shed, etc. so I had to research and find contractors, figure out a way to put aside the money to pay for it, schedule the work to be done, deal with all the people involved, etc. I finally had to hire a nanny to come when I am away for the girls and to do the cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc. because I just couldn't keep up. When I am home I work from my home office, but I also have to run my older daughter to/from school and appointments, take care of the baby (including pumping, since I breastfeed and making baby food since I make my own). I cook, clean, do all the supply/food shopping for the house, the yard work, etc. My husband wanted a gym membership, so he signed up for a 3 year contract. He hasn't gone since the first week - money down the drain. He thinks we need to have the highest package for cable, but I'm never here, the girls watch very little TV and my husband is always out with his friends - again, money down the drain. He spends hundreds buying new clothes, shoes, hats, signing up for activities, going to the bars, buying equipment for golfing etc. but he makes less now than he ever has and I have to keep finding ways to earn more to make up the difference. I can't go out with my own friends or even take my older daughter to do something fun because Monday nights he has poker night. Tuesday he has softball. Wednesday is his night to "relax". Thursday is happy hour with his co-workers. Friday is dart league. Saturday morning is basketball and afternoon is Golf and he needs all day Sunday to prepare for his week. 

I have just been offered the position of Regional Director for all our Midwest/South locations for my company. I have no desire for the job, which would mean I will be home only one week out of the month. I want to be home with my girls or find a lesser paying, local job, but the cost of "taking care" of my husband is so high, I can't afford to not take the position. As it is, we are stressed financially, which seems so crazy to me when we make more than double of what most families do. He wants another new car (he won't buy used) and wants to put in a pool in the backyard (which, living in the midwest is a waste to me... a huge object and tax/insurance liability to use for 10 weeks out of the year??). If I tell him no, he will find a way to do it himself or will make me miserable until I say yes. 

I actually convinced him to go to marriage counseling a few months ago because I just couldn't take it anymore. After going a few times, he said he realized his mistakes, how selfish he'd been and how he hadn't been fulfilling his share of the partnership. Sounded great, but then we come home and he basically tells me it's all a bunch of bull. We keep going, but all he does is tell the counselor what she wants to hear. She keeps telling me that he's doing great and that it just takes time. She doesn't live with him. Nothing has changed except the way he speaks to her during a session. I don't know what else to do. I keep trying to figure out how this got this way. I don't understand it at all. When we dated, we had so much fun together, he would give me compliments and show me affection. Ever since we were married, he looks at me like some stray cat that invaded his home. I've told him many times that if he is not happy with me, the maybe we should go our own ways but then he tells me I don't care about the marriage, that I am not willing to work it out and what kind of a wife is like that? I feel like I have done so much that I don't know how much left I have to fix this.

I don't know what to do. He's such a good "charmer" to other people that they all think he's wonderful and that we have the perfect marriage. My own parents see him running around waiting on them hand and foot when they are here that they go on and on to everyone what a wonderful son-in-law they have. I have only one friend who has seen how he is. We had a neighborhood barbecue a few weeks ago and I had walked home to get more fruit for the fruit salad and she had walked with me. The door to our kitchen goes into the garage and I had asked if she could grab another cooler out of the garage. She went to get it and I was filling up the bowl of fruit when my husband comes in. He asks me what we are having for dinner. I told him everyone was still eating at the bbq. He goes into this tirade of how I would rather feed the neighborhood than my own husband or kids. I didn't say anything and he walked back into the family room to watch TV. My friend came in from the garage and asked me why he was so angry. I said he's just always like that. Then he yelled from the family room "I suppose you just left your kids out there too. Yeah, what a great mom you are! What a great wife! You think you're so deprived because you work and have kids. Well, boo hoo, so do all the other women on the block. No one cares." My friend walked back out with me to the bbq and she has since then continued to tell me to leave him. 

How can someone be so nice for 3 years and then just change? Recently our counselor suggested we go away together and spend some real quality time alone. We did and it was the BEST time! He seemed so happy, I was happy and we just really enjoyed each other's company. Our last day, as we were packing up to leave, I asked him if he could put the shirts hanging in the hotel closet into our suitcase. He grabbed the shirts, threw them on top of the suitcase and said "There, are you happy now?" I was in absolute shock. What on earth did I do??? I asked him what was wrong and he tells me "You can't even pack a suitcase without help? Am I not MAN enough for you to be able to do that?" I still, to this day, don't know what he was talking about. Does he think it's too feminine to be asked to help pack the suitcase??? Did he think I meant something by it? I've asked him and he tells me I am overreacting. I feel like I live in the twilight zone. 

Another example of his behavior like that is for our daughter's birthday. I planned a party for her and her friends from the neighborhood. In order to make sure I didn't have to travel that weekend, I worked late duing the week. The first two days I had the nanny stay late. The third day I asked him to please help by taking care of the girls in the evening while I worked, just for that one day. He said "okay". For a rare moment, he actually played with the girls and especially my older daughter was so happy. Around 9pm it was quiet, so I assumed that he had put them to bed and was watching TV or something. I went to get a drink and thank him for helping me. In the family room, he's asleep on the couch, two empty beers next to him. The baby is crawling around on the floor, spitup all over her shirt, and my 4 year old was drawing all over some tax papers that had been sitting on the table. I tell her it's time to go to bed and she tells me "but wait, I'm hungry, aren't we going to have dinner?". I wake my husband up and ask him what he gave them for dinner. He throws a fit and says "if you wanted me to feed them you should have made something. How the hell am I supposed to know what to give them or what time they should go to bed?" That was it for me. I started yelling and said "How stupid can you be that you can't think for yourself that kids have to eat??? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING and be responsible for EVERYONE, including a grown-ass man???? You figured out how to get yourself a beer but you can't make a grilled cheese or open the fridge and get a jar of baby food? What the hell is the matter with you???" I know I shouldn't have blown up at him, but I just couldn't help it. 

The "good guy" is there somewhere, I just don't know how to get him back. He's continued to gain weight and I think it makes him resentful of the fact that after each child I have worked hard to lose the extra weight, but that's not my fault! He has a gym membership but doesnt' even go. He was so good with his nieces before we married that I was sure he would be such a great dad, but he acts like the girls are just a burden. We used to be able to do so many fun things together and I couldn't wait to get married and have a family to give that sort of life to our kids, but all our kids are getting now is tension and anger and it's not fair to them. I've always said I think he resents the fact that I make more money than he does, have higher credentials, am more physically fit, etc. But all of these are things he could do and he chooses not to. I worked really hard to get that because I felt I had to in order to provide the life he seems to want, I never really wanted it at all. I would have been perfectly fine working at McDonald's or Walmart and focusing on the kids and the house. I don't care about fancy cars or entertainment systems or name brand clothing. I just don't know what else to do, I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. 

Any advice for me????


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