# Comparing yourself to the ow/OM



## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

I can't help but to feel jealous of the attention/comments/thoughts the ow received from my H. It feels so much easier to let go. It feels like I'm the only one working on this. Is this normal? I find myself comparing myself to her? Is she prettier? Sexier? More interesting? Why do men cheat? If you love your wife why put them thru this?
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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> I can't help but to feel jealous of the attention/comments/thoughts the ow received from my H. It feels so much easier to let go. It feels like I'm the only one working on this. Is this normal? I find myself comparing myself to her? Is she prettier? Sexier? More interesting? Why do men cheat? If you love your wife why put them thru this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I totally feel the same way. It has killed my self image and made all my insecurities worse. To add insult to injury she was a young model they had used for a business show. I also wonder how he could truly love me and our kids given what he did.
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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i want to try and chime in on this one, because really it hits close to home.

Its hard not to try and compare your self to the AP/OP. its human nature. 
and the more you know, the more you wish you didnt know. that is to say it isnt all bad, its just rediculous. Youll beat your self up over it. i know i did, and still kinda do to this day.

and youll do it over every little thing because, quite frankly, the affair has destroyed who you are as a person, or more importantly your image of yourself (and your spouse). and this is a very hard thing to get over. maily because we tie alot of our identity to our spouses.

my situation was like many others, but i alos meet the OM before the affair because they were coworkers. as well i intercepted a ton of texts during a 5 month period which told me more.

now the thing is youll beat yourself up over everything. looks, sex stuff, finances, careers, and the old what do they have that i dont?

for me the OM was 6'2", im 5'7" 
hes skinny and im athletic.
hes bald, i have a full head of dark hair.
so far nothing that made me feel to bad.

but the texts told my story. 
he was hung, i am average. though my wife says sex didnt play a huge role (and infact she complained that he was too big. as eveidenced my multiple Urinaty tract infections and soreness she experienced. 


but the thing he had over me, the one single thing to date that she has revealed.


he made her feel special.





i looked at all the traits and realized, much like you will, that the AP
really isnt better than you. nfact youll often hear the term "affair down"

thats what my wife did. his persoanality traits were quite inferior (selfish, cowardly, emotionally distant in time, mommas boy)

if you compare yourself to much it will eat you up.

let me say it this way, smething i read in a book that made me feel better.

comparing the AP which they see in a limited light vs the spouse which they know everything is like comparing a TV and a refrigerator. Theyre both uses for completley different things.

its very likely that the AP is fulfilling a need or two that you didnt provide. not that theyre better looking or better in bed. or a good cook or any of that other stuff. theyre just filling a need.

also get a glance a t this, it may make you feel a little better

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I think the real life examples to your question are going to be a mixed bag. That is, when a partner cheated, some "traded up" and others "traded down."

There's one wayward wife on here who had an affair with a man who, she already knew, had had several affairs with other women. He wasn't much more than a handy man builder and still, she threw her husband, the father of her 3 children, out of the house until well she came back to her senses or may be he dumped her, I can't remember.

I try to be more analytical about these things. For example, the EA that my guy had....I saw pictures of her, she was fat (one social media site she said she needed to lose 50 pounds and she looked fat in the photos she had online), I read the texts and e-mails between them -- she was rude to him, by my estimation, a couple of times starting message with "A$$hole..."; her face in some photos showed coarse features, sometimes she had a nice smile.......

But there were other possibilities......she's white (I'm not) and blond and 20 years younger than me; she was obviously feisty whereas I try to be more of peacemaker......and <<drumroll>> she had a boyfriend which sometimes makes me think that guys value that....you know the herd mentality or she has recently been priced in the market.......

So before I decided I needed to put an end to this or move on, I wondered if he preferred to date within his race; someone young enough to still have babies; someone who constantly challenged him and always needed to have the last word (as I noticed in the exchanges between them)......and of course the challenge of another guy

I decided that if he needed those things, then I needed to be going.

These days I don't trust men when they say "she's ugly" or any variation of that; or "she meant nothing to me" and so on.

I remember one evening we were talking about how men quite often have a certain type when it comes to looks. My guy said, oh no, he didn't. He once dated an Japanese woman (I think from university), me (a Halle Berry type) and a tall blonde. I wanted to add, yeah, "a tall, fat blonde." 

But I did detect a sense of pride. I'm just wondering if blonde is still some trophy item.....despite what it's actually attached to.

Anyway, Original Poster, if you decide to give R a go, I say, look at his actions and not at is words. And good luck at getting over it.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

From experience women tend to cheat down.


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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> I totally feel the same way. It has killed my self image and made all my insecurities worse. To add insult to injury she was a young model they had used for a business show. I also wonder how he could truly love me and our kids given what he did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This girl is definitely not prettier than me, I know it for a fact but than I start thinking why her? I was already dealing with low self esteem due to having two kids. It kills me to know he told her all the nice things I was begging him to tell me!
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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

but the thing he had over me, the one single thing to date that she has revealed.


he made her feel special.


He told me the same thing. But I keep asking myself, why did you compliment her? I understand SHE made you feel special with her compliments but what's the purpose of complimenting her if your not trying to pursue anything? Thanks for your response. I wish I could just stop these thoughts. They make it really hard to forgive and move on
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## stressedmomandwife (Jan 19, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I think the real life examples to your question are going to be a mixed bag. That is, when a partner cheated, some "traded up" and others "traded down."
> 
> There's one wayward wife on here who had an affair with a man who, she already knew, had had several affairs with other women. He wasn't much more than a handy man builder and still, she threw her husband, the father of her 3 children, out of the house until well she came back to her senses or may be he dumped her, I can't remember.
> 
> ...






Thanks for your response I totally needed to hear that. Thinking of his actions and how much he's trying helps tremendously, I never stopped to acknowledge it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

Let me tell you something my wife says to me on occasion, and me me add that we arent close to reconciling right now. 

She says to me that I'm still the best man she's ever known. 

I laugh everytime. I tell her if being the best man means not being married, then screw that. I'm ginna be a cowardly loser and get my wife back. Lol. 

But Seriosly she says that to me. That kinda thing solidifies something I learned from another site I believe. 

That it's really not about the affair partner. It's about them. She could be having an affair with a goat. So long as it feeds her already fragile ego then there it goes. I've shown the OM picture to several women and described him. They say at first he's decent but when the description comes in he rapidly loses points. Oh and he wears tighty whiteys. Haha. 
Sometimes our spouses will uses things that happen in the marriage to justify the affair. But that's bull. 

I know the comparisons are hard. Believe you me. But let me give you one thing here. 

You didn't cheat. You didn't go after. Married person. Continue to live your life with honor and integrity and the AP won't ever be able to touch you. EVER!!! And they can't take that away from you. No matter what physical traits may separate you
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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

ELPH is 1000% right. And guess what everybody they always affair down.

And sadly, in the end it is always about them. How they cheat. How they lie to us. How low their self esteem is. It usually has very little to do about us or the marriage. Not always but a lot of the time.

It is about them!!! Isn't that what selfishness really is? It is always about them!!!

Thanks Elph. Stop the comparisons SM&W. You will only drive yourself crazy.

HM64


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I totally feel you on this..but when i saw the women my hubby cheated with i was shocked.they were no where in body nor beauty to me.but they have something i didnt for him to cheat with them..he will not discuss any of it.when i found the pix & video of them,he even denied that until i put it in his face.all he tells me is he is sorry..i'm in lala land rite now.i feel as if i'm on the edge of a cliff on my toes fixing to fall off.ive never felt so empty & alone as i do now.but i've came to terms that any wife could be the sexiest/loyal/do anything for their hubby & he would still cheat if its in his blood..in the end no matter what we do as wives/we the betrayed spouse is who carries all the baggage..


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Well, Wouldn't only 50% affair down? The other half would be affairing up?

Stressedmom....this has nothing to do with you. Affairs are truly about lala land. It's true...it could be a goat as an affair partner. It's all about getting a need met. But the thing about the lala land thinking is that most affairs are only fulfilling ONE need. Because for some reason it becomes the most important need to the wayward. All the other needs get forgotten. Then, when reality hits, they realize that the affair partner is missing out giving all those other needs. so now reality doesn't look so great. Hence, 90% failure rates with affair partners.

Eleph? Interesting post. But.....did she make YOU feel special? It's amazing how waywards make everything one sided and all about them.
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## lou (Apr 22, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> but the thing he had over me, the one single thing to date that she has revealed.
> 
> 
> he made her feel special.
> ...


This is exactly what I realized from my STBX and the OW. She is at least 30 lbs overweight, with bad teeth, horrible style, an annoying voice. I take good care of myself and have no problem turning heads. 

But she made him feel like a knight in shining armor while I am a strong woman who takes care of herself most of the time. 

It wasn't right - at all - but this has taught me that I need to let the next man in my life "in" - that is, to help me with my problems and to make him feel like I need him. 

I think your H probably complimented her in a quid-pro-quo kind of relationship. He complimented her to receive more compliments from her. My STBX pursued her to receive the feeling of being needed. Eventually it just stacks up so you need more and more to feel that same great feeling - leading to PAs when possible.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You usually find spouses for the most part affair down

What qualities the AP, has that turned a spouse on, only your spouse, in their twisted way knows

In 97% of the situations---the spouse finds out the grass ain't greener, its a dirty shade of brown

Also remeber this, unless your spouse hid that they were married so well that the AP, thought they were single, which for those few you cannot condemn, but for any others who knew they were dancing with a married person, who very well also had kids----those AP, are scum, and there is NOTHING GOOD ABOUT THEM.


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Eleph? Interesting post. But.....did she make YOU feel special? It's amazing how waywards make everything one sided and all about them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




ill tell you this.

right now, No.

Has she in the past. Absolutley. 
I never had problems with insecurity or lack of faith in any part of who i am. at least not since i met my wife 17 years ago. i was fresh out of and she was still in high school.

1/2 my life has been spent with my wife. and i feel fortunate to have been with her the whole time.


So ill say this, and forgive me if this gets long, but i want to continue to address this whole comparisson thing.

ive always had my insecurities, much like we all have. my two biggest, you could say, are my height and my manhood.

like i posted earlier, im 5'7" and as average a penis as youll find. and i think because my wife had maybe 3 partners before me, i never felt intimidated when we were intimate. and shes 5'4" so the height thing is perfect. i never felt that i had to compete with anybody when we started dating. within a month and 1/2 after we started dating she told me she loved me (valentines day 94) since then all good.


Then this affair happens. and i find our all that i can about him via their texts and his STBXW. the texts painted a somewhat positive picture, the Ex the opposite.

i feel both cursed and lucky to have had the access to the information i have had.

i found out that he was larger and had rediculous stamina through a text exchange they had when he was drunk. and like i said earlier, hes 6'"2 and a department head at the grocery store they both work at. (giving him an air of alpha/leadership/confidence, which mayve helped his attraction)

these things ate at me for months and its only in the past month ive been able to get over it.

what helped me get over the comparisons (or at least 85% over)?
all the info i had gathered (STBXW/coworkers/my wife). it helped me paint a more complete picture of what she saw/attraction, where we were diffrent and such. as well, everytime my wife broke up with him she was very talkative (5 times in the past 5 months)

she told me how he wasnt all that in bed (she could be lying, and really im going with 50/50 of what shes saying) that being hung like a horse for her was not that desireable and actually rather uncomfrotable. that he mad sex seem like a chore and since it took him so long she kinda got bored after awhile as well she felt that she wasnt good enough because with me sex would have a great amount aof varience and variety as well as comfortablility.

and why am i focused on that. because were men. As much as the EA hurts and will take some getting over, for us the PA is usually the deal breaker. and since were very visual, outward looks make ahuge difference to us in the comparision dept.

mind you were not close to reconciling at this point, she hasnt decided to come back to the marriage, and while shes done somethings to rebuild trust, i still think theyre in communication. but she also lives on her own so theres not much i cant do....


so why all this long backstory?

because it took me time to realize some important things.

i know i mentined that its not about the affair partner. and it isnt. more than likely it took the perfect storm of events for your spouse to have the affair. and the AP came along at the right time. unless your spouse has a history of infidelity. 
as others have mentioned if you used dr. harleys list of 10 emotional needs, the AP satisfies may 2 at best.that means you satisfy 80% to their 20% maybe.

the hard part though is they dont care about they 80% while in the affair. and its almost impossible for them to during the affair. i learned this the hard way by "going plan A" and bending over backward to meet her needs and show her i changed. while becoming a bit of a doormat. and lot of that was based off of the comparisions i did. 

and it made me feel like crap.

at some point youll realize that theres nothing you can do. they will compare the AP's very few best qualities over your very few worse qualities. and in the initial stages of the affair, you will lose every time.

so what can you do to deal with the comparisons. 

STOP!!!!


look at yourself in the mirror and realize the only person you need to compare your self with is you. 
once you do that focus on making your self better. stop worrying about the AP because more often than not their true colors will show and they wont look so great anymore.

focus on making your self better and making your self feel good. 

1 of 2 things will happen. 

your spouse will notice.
or they wont.

if they do notice, little thing s will change and in their mind they may start to rethink. if your at your best other people will notice too. maybe even members of the opposite sex.and while i dont advocate dating at this stage, a little confidnce boost works wonder.

or he wont, and at that point you wont want to be with someone like him anyway.


i can tell you in the past month, my wife has noticed. she has made remarks to her mom, who has told me that it sounds like shes getting worried that i might move on my wardrobe has changed, my attidude has changed and in many ways im back to the person she fell in love iwth. as well ive distanced my self from things ive leanred about him to make me more of an individual.

sorry for the long rant. but you hav the power to control the things you think of and the changes you make. focus on you ad the comparisons soon wont matter, one way or another


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

When my OH told me he'd kissed someone else, I wanted to know what she looked like. It started right there and tbh I don't think has gone away completely now, nearly a year later.

For me, I'd had a baby five months before, still had a little baby fat, and was still doing a lot of night feeds so was tired. My life consisted of three young kids and a baby and taking care of OH. I never neglected him.

Her? She was slightly older, single and attractive. All OH's colleagues fancied her. She homed in on him. She was not subtle and made her feelings obvious to everyone at his work. She was fit, sporty and in great shape. She also knew about me and the kids.

I felt crappy for a long time. She was attractive and never had kids so in my head I couldn't compete even though I've always been in good shape myself. I dealt with that by hitting the gym hard so in my mund I coyld "measure up."

I realised along the line though that it said a lot about her that she would pursue a man with a family and a small baby. When me and him split temporarily she was all about the patronising-disguised-as-sympathy remarks. Things like, "well it's her I feel sorry for" (about the fact I would be a single parent with four kids.) 

Someone's already said it: that what happens is selfish. It was never about me being a few pounds heavier, or less attractive. She was a welcome distraction from the toil of everyday stress, someone whose company he could enjoy without having to think about shouting kids, a screaming baby, paying the bills and mending the car. He has never been able to handle how it affected my self-esteem because of the immense amount of guilt he carries. He has always said it was never about me, how attractive he finds me, how much he loves me or if he was unhappy with me because he thinks I'm pretty, he loves me immensely and he was never unhappy with me.

If I kept trying to find some logic in it I'd be here forever. I know I am awesome and I know I never became complacent at tending our relationship. I can feel good about myself because she really is nothing to me or him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

stressedmomandwife said:


> I can't help but to feel jealous of the attention/comments/thoughts the ow received from my H. It feels so much easier to let go. It feels like I'm the only one working on this. Is this normal? I find myself comparing myself to her? Is she prettier? Sexier? More interesting? Why do men cheat? If you love your wife why put them thru this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On d day when I discovered OM I contacted him. He was very much hooked on my wife I discovered. After I forwarded the text she sent men other than him he threw my ww under the bus and told me everything. My wife was addicted to the attention that meeting OM brought. Going through her phone and seeing the pictures of them wasn't too troubling because most weren't much to look at. The hard part is knowing how badly I failed at my job of being a husband to the point my wife would make herself available to what I thought were a bunch of gumps. It all got my attention with my anger directed at myself.
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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> On d day when I discovered OM I contacted him. He was very much hooked on my wife I discovered. After I forwarded the text she sent men other than him he threw my ww under the bus and told me everything. My wife was addicted to the attention that meeting OM brought. Going through her phone and seeing the pictures of them wasn't too troubling because most weren't much to look at. The hard part is knowing how badly I failed at my job of being a husband to the point my wife would make herself available to what I thought were a bunch of gumps. It all got my attention with my anger directed at myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Let me correct this for you

"The hard part is knowing how badly *she* failed at *her* job of being a *wife* to the point *she* would make herself available to what I thought were a bunch of gumps, *instead of working on the marriage and finding happiness there"* 

much better. 

there is no justification for cheating. NONE.

and i say this as a guy who cheated on my wife when we started going out. and that was all ego based because i had never had more than one girl like me before...still not an excuse.

you are 50 % responsible for the marriage, she is the other. but she is 100% responsible for her actions. 

were you perfect. no, neither was I, and neither is anybody else.
we have to find our way around that in a much more constructive manner and accept the fact that we are responsible for our own happiness. 
i get that its an ego boost to have people attracted to you. and i always believed there is nothing wrong with a little harmless flirting. still do. but the difference is boundaries. to know when enough is enough. 
your wife however didnt care so long as she felt good about herself with no regard to you.

thats selfish.

but then again, thats the nature of affairs.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

elph said:


> Let me correct this for you
> 
> "The hard part is knowing how badly *she* failed at *her* job of being a *wife* to the point *she* would make herself available to what I thought were a bunch of gumps, *instead of working on the marriage and finding happiness there"*
> 
> ...


In a normal situation you would be right. I was a cheater within six months of the revealation. That day I truly felt like a fool for being the arrogant self absorbed husband I was for far too long. My attention was placed everywhere but where it should have been and I paid for my deeds. A part of me feels bad she had these people leave her life. For a very long time they were better companions than I was. I plan to steer clear of any harmless flirting. I'll do my flirting with the woman I love, my wife. None of the OW I ever encountered were anything close to the woman I have. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> In a normal situation you would be right. I was a cheater within six months of the revealation. That day I truly felt like a fool for being the arrogant self absorbed husband I was for far too long. My attention was placed everywhere but where it should have been and I paid for my deeds. A part of me feels bad she had these people leave her life. For a very long time they were better companions than I was. I plan to steer clear of any harmless flirting. I'll do my flirting with the woman I love, my wife. None of the OW I ever encountered were anything close to the woman I have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


well then, that changes the game a bit doesnt it?

so youve both cheated on each other. you both know how it feels. so now yyou can both go forward with a clean slate. 

all the knowledge in the world does no good if its fails to be implemented. i wish you the best.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

elph said:


> well then, that changes the game a bit doesnt it?
> 
> so youve both cheated on each other. you both know how it feels. so now yyou can both go forward with a clean slate.
> 
> all the knowledge in the world does no good if its fails to be implemented. i wish you the best.


I can't bring myself to tell her but I know the truth. I've gone very easy on her telling her how I've been a bad husband and we will be fine. I won't ever be the guy I was again. All my effort and attention will be going to my wife who I have been with for 11 years. The tally: me 4 ea's with 5 pa's. Her 13+ ea's ?pa's. I date back ten years her 3 I know of. It is what it is. We are unbelievable. We are moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

elph said:


> ill tell you this.
> 
> right now, No.
> 
> ...


You know what's funny about this? My wife cheated when she was my girlfriend, and she told me the same things, except, according to her, I am larger. Yet still, despite how awful it was, she fooled around with the guy for almost a year. So my thing is, why would you go through all that trouble, for bad sex? The only thing this guy had going was that he was a pretty popular singer in a group on the island we are from. So of course you automatically think your SO is lying. Now me, when I couldn't get past the resentment, even after marrying her(i know, i know), the times I did fool around, were with women that either had status or looks, or both. From CFO's to the Milf types. But no way was I willing to take a chance on something that if my W found out, I would not be upgrading if she chose to leave. Now, being that its several years later, I am pretty much over her cheating, and she says she is over mine. But a part of me is still resentful (for other reasons) which is why I just don't give the emotional attention she used to get when she cheated.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> You know what's funny about this? My wife cheated when she was my girlfriend, and she told me the same things, except, according to her, I am larger. Yet still, despite how awful it was, she fooled around with the guy for almost a year. So my thing is, why would you go through all that trouble, for bad sex? The only thing this guy had going was that he was a pretty popular singer in a group on the island we are from. So of course you automatically think your SO is lying. Now me, when I couldn't get past the resentment, even after marrying her(i know, i know), the times I did fool around, were with women that either had status or looks, or both. From CFO's to the Milf types. But no way was I willing to take a chance on something that if my W found out, I would not be upgrading if she chose to leave. Now, being that its several years later, I am pretty much over her cheating, and she says she is over mine. But a part of me is still resentful (for other reasons) which is why I just don't give the emotional attention she used to get when she cheated.


Seems bad for your marriage that you are unwilling to put your best foot forward. I spent years doing the same thing and found I cheated myself and my wife out of what could have been a very fufilling relationship over those years. If you are going to be with her you might as well take your chances and go all in. You both cheated so there should be no resentment. From the sounds of it you cheated with multiple women which is worst than what she did. I wouldn't waste your time punishing her since you are just as bad. Maybe both of you have similar issues. Being a former cheater who cheated on my spouse before and after marriage I'd be willing to bet that she was still cheating after you got married. Likely it has alot to do with the fact that she was lacking while you were out screwing around. Women who cheat are hypersensitive and notice everything, my wife did. The best thing you can do is get engaged with your wife and your marriage and make that the main focus and priority. Withholding love from her is a selfish thing to do that will get you nowhere. Maybe you can't change the hurt you feel but you can change what you do. Loving someone with your all is very satisfying.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

ashamed74 said:


> Seems bad for your marriage that you are unwilling to put your best foot forward. I spent years doing the same thing and found I cheated myself and my wife out of what could have been a very fufilling relationship over those years. If you are going to be with her you might as well take your chances and go all in. You both cheated so there should be no resentment. From the sounds of it you cheated with multiple women which is worst than what she did. I wouldn't waste your time punishing her since you are just as bad. Maybe both of you have similar issues. Being a former cheater who cheated on my spouse before and after marriage I'd be willing to bet that she was still cheating after you got married. Likely it has alot to do with the fact that she was lacking while you were out screwing around. Women who cheat are hypersensitive and notice everything, my wife did. The best thing you can do is get engaged with your wife and your marriage and make that the main focus and priority. Withholding love from her is a selfish thing to do that will get you nowhere. Maybe you can't change the hurt you feel but you can change what you do. Loving someone with your all is very satisfying.



Well, when I found out about her cheating, she didn't tell me the whole truth. At first it was once, then yeeeeaaarrs later, the "truth" came out. I don't see how one is worse than the other. She had a year long affair with someone while I was attempting to be the best boyfriend to her at the time. I screwed around with a few women, because in my then tiny, narrow minded thought process, that it was getting back at her and would help me get over it. But it wasn't so devoted and involved. To sleep with someone for a year requires some level of feelings and emotions. The emotional cheating was worse to me, because I forgave it when I was told it was once. And I do understand what you're saying about being all in or let go. The cheating has ended, on my end at least. and I don't believe she is either. But the times when she was cheating was when I was that emotional, open, talkative, romantic, guy that she wanted. So my defenses refuse to let me be that person without feeling sick to my stomach. It's not intentional, just how I feel. Being that person again will only remind me of the possibility. Because we all know, you don't cheat on someone when they were at their best in the relationship, it doesn't make sense, which is another reason for my not understanding the whole thing. I hyperanalyze everything. And if it doesn't make sense, I keep thinking about it until it does.


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## Devastated2 (Jan 29, 2012)

elph said:


> but the thing he had over me, the one single thing to date that she has revealed.
> 
> 
> he made her feel special.


Personally, this is what hurts the most for me. I failed to make my wife feel special, loved, and appreciated. Another man filled the role that it was my responsibility to do.

I'm majorly struggling with comparing myself to the other man. 

I've asked my WW where they had sex, was it kinky sex, did she enjoy it, how many times, pretty much everything under the sun. She isn't answering anything which makes me freak out even more.

Personally, I think my wife had an affair down. My wife is a hot, young, athletic blonde with blue eyes and an amazing personality who has guys hit on her constantly.

The guy she chose to have an affair with is practically a midget. He's 33 years old, about 5' and lives in a house he owns with 2 other college friends (one of which has screwed around with a few other married women). He probably makes decent money and is in pretty good shape. My wife admires him for being so generous and letting his friends live at is house for like $200 a month.

I'm 32, in pretty decent shape (really started hitting the gym hard about 1 year ago), 6' with a good job. My wife's biggest complaint about me is that I am mean to her.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

But that's the thing, they fail to realize, that guy makes you feel special for the moment, just like you did when they first met. Howver wrong, that's the dangerous difference, I think, between men and women's cheating. Women don't seem to have the foresight to realize that hey, maybe he's like this to me because it's new and eventually that will wear off and he'll treat me the same or worse than my husband, especially since he knows I am a cheater, he really won't be taking me seriously. Not many men are there running arounding cheating to feel special, doesn't make it more right, just more dangerous to the psyche of the cheater and will make the women constantly chasing that feeling of feeling special every time.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Well, when I found out about her cheating, she didn't tell me the whole truth. At first it was once, then yeeeeaaarrs later, the "truth" came out. I don't see how one is worse than the other. She had a year long affair with someone while I was attempting to be the best boyfriend to her at the time. I screwed around with a few women, because in my then tiny, narrow minded thought process, that it was getting back at her and would help me get over it. But it wasn't so devoted and involved. To sleep with someone for a year requires some level of feelings and emotions. The emotional cheating was worse to me, because I forgave it when I was told it was once. And I do understand what you're saying about being all in or let go. The cheating has ended, on my end at least. and I don't believe she is either. But the times when she was cheating was when I was that emotional, open, talkative, romantic, guy that she wanted. So my defenses refuse to let me be that person without feeling sick to my stomach. It's not intentional, just how I feel. Being that person again will only remind me of the possibility. Because we all know, you don't cheat on someone when they were at their best in the relationship, it doesn't make sense, which is another reason for my not understanding the whole thing. I hyperanalyze everything. And if it doesn't make sense, I keep thinking about it until it does.


I see where your coming from. My affairs were purely physical flings out to satisfy my own lust but with zero emotional connection. I felt like a big shot to have such a fine woman and as men say have something on the side for play. My wifes affairs went on for a prolong period of time where she communicated all day with the OM through text message. To her it keeping up with the OM was a full time job that lasted for two years. For me I would get the desire once, maybe twice a year and meet someone with the same desires and make it happen. Ironically I felt very guilty by about a year ago for what I had done over all those years. I really started treating her better than I ever have. I really felt I owed her something for being the lousy man I was. Things seemed to be going great with us when I stumbled into all this through the text messages on her phone. She ended the EA's but didn't tell me any more than she had to. She was in damage control and me I was in denial over what a bad husband I had been for so long. I actually considered myself a victim which really wasn't fair. 

Since we have focused on us as she no longer goes to the tagged website and I make time for her. I could go on searching for truth everyday trying to find out everything else she could have possibly done but I have my own dirty laundry. While she did all this she never wanted to leave me or mentioned leaving. Her intentions were like mine. To have a thrill. We both know that what we did was wrong. The things we both did robbed us of the fun we could have had together. 

I know what you mean about timing. Here you were giving her attention being that good guy and you got whacked. I felt the same way the following days after d day. I just wondered how she could do that when I was so good to her. I forgot that it all started a few years back before I was being all good to her and she gradually went out of control. This is what happens when a man neglects their wife long enough. Just a message here, there would have gone along way, I know. I'd go all day without calling her or sending a message. She got bored. OM was happy to take my place, lol.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Devistated,
That's one thing I learned from all this. If you have a hot wife and take her for granted an OM could be the end result. My wife told me time and time again what she needed and all I did was give her excuses. I regret not stopping and thinking for a minute that putting a little effort into my wife would keep her loyal. OM won't make excuses. OM will do whatever your wife wants him to. I was too busy being a star making money and bragging about my sucess to stop and think that none of that mattered to my wife. From d day on out me and my wife we will be best friends. She needed a best friend. I gave her excuses. It would have been so easy for me to do the right thing.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Since my wife was with a series of guys over a number of years, I have no idea about their attributes other than she said they were all "bigger" than me and didn't spend all their time working to provide for themselves, let alone anyone else. I don't think she was lying since she didn't even know which ones fathered her children.
I see a lot of people here beating themselves up for "allowing" their marriage to go to the toilet. Sorry, but I have no intention in tying myself to a whipping post for the decisions she made.
The only thing I will admit to is being stupid enough to assume she was just a low libido woman who really only gave herself to sex as a "reward" for something in return.
It appears that she now gives more value to financial support since she has gone through two guys since the split and both have dumped her.


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## ashamed74 (Jan 30, 2012)

Women don't seem to have the foresight to realize that hey, maybe he's like this to me because it's new and eventually that will wear off and he'll treat me the same or worse than my husband

Very true statement, lol


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## elph (Apr 2, 2011)

i think as well that women only see what they want to make them FEEL good. 

i read somewhere that one should always but the words "right now i feel" in front of most sentances for a woman.
im not trying to be sexist, but the reality is, one could look at me and my wifes 17 year history and all the things ive done for her and with her and tell her shes out of her mind for doing what she did.
but then she will turn around and say the year year and a half before the affair she says she was unhappy, basically because i neglected her. there were a few other things, but that was the big one. so the OM comes in and takes notes, listening to her complain, while he complains about his marriage, all the while giving the "if i was your boyfriend" line.

she broke boundaries either subconsciously or not (mostly with their talks) that allowed him to get the feeling that he had a future with my wife. he then divorced his and went after my wife telling her everything she wanted to hear to make her feel special. 

by that time he had her attention. it was too late. and from what i gather it was easy to do. just say the exact opposite of what ever i was doing wrong. 

hes shown his true colors, but shes still emotionally involved.

So sometimes you have to gather all the fact to fill out the picture to see what your comparing and whats worth it.

the sex thing has the biggest current impact. because its the most visible/physical. but in reality its the emotional stuff that hurts the most.

once we get all the info, then we can pinpoint what it was that had the most effect, and discard the rest. 
its at that point you should make any comparisons, if nesacarry.

the sex part of my wifes affair is seemingly not the selling point. yes hes bigger and got better stamina. but i know thats not why shes with him. its simply because he made her feel special and appreciated. 

everything else cant compare. 

its like having a really good running back. sure youll have a good ground game, but if your QB, WR OL suck, or your defense is horrible, or you have no special teams or a good kicker, then you really dont have that much of a football team.

and thats all the AP ever had. just one or two componenets that he can excell at, but you can feild a much better overall team, and you spouse knows it.


oh and for what its worth, once you find that out, and if you get back togerther, you can always draft that running back so you can develop a complete team..



and ill stop with the football analogies now.


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## Devastated2 (Jan 29, 2012)

ashamed74 said:


> Devistated,
> That's one thing I learned from all this. If you have a hot wife and take her for granted an OM could be the end result. My wife told me time and time again what she needed and all I did was give her excuses. I regret not stopping and thinking for a minute that putting a little effort into my wife would keep her loyal. OM won't make excuses. OM will do whatever your wife wants him to. I was too busy being a star making money and bragging about my sucess to stop and think that none of that mattered to my wife. From d day on out me and my wife we will be best friends. She needed a best friend. I gave her excuses. It would have been so easy for me to do the right thing.


Wow, this sounds scarily like my situation....except my wife hates my guts and there is basically no hope for reconciliation.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

I have to agree i was floored with anger with what my hubby did with his women.14yrs 2gether & he never even danced with me or sent me love sex videos or had a youtube account with my name on it like he did his mistress.geez in 1 month along he spent 4,000 on her then lied to me telling me his laptop & cell broke thats why he took out so much from our bank.i believed him..what a fool i am.i bet when he hung up from telling me that he laughed his buttucks off.but that same nite where was he ..umm at a hotel with her video taping their sex life.the no good lier i guess forgot to mention that when they were video taping themselves his laptop was in clear view playing love songs..then after i caught him he had the balls to send me a link to a song to listen too..his exact words was ''hun please listen to this song this is how i feel about us''..the same song he was playing for her while screwing her..ouch...what a huge slit in my throat..i truely feel no matter what i do i will always be second now..i cant see how i was ever 1st to him..he is 1st.what he did to me is down rite wrong..all he keeps saying now is he realizes he screwed up.he has the best wife but he didnt see it.that he had to see how much he hurt me for him to know he did wrong..i told him yeah at my expense..he lost nothing,he will never know what it feels like to be betrayed.saying sorry is not what i want.your not sorry or you would of not did it multiple times.


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## DubeGechi (Dec 12, 2010)

str8insane said:


> ... any wife could be the sexiest/loyal/do anything for their hubby & he would still cheat if its in his blood....


solid gold!


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

My H def "affaired down" - I became obcessed with what she looked like so much so in the end he went on Facebook and found her, I was shocked ! She s plain , skinny and as flat as a pancake (he s always been a boobs man) - however she had the same color hair, eyes, was the same height and is the same age as me ????
I remember turning to him and saying "you risked all this - the marriage the house our future for THAT?"
I think in some ways it would have been easier if she had been attractive rather than this mousey creature - only thing I can think of is the fact that they had been friends/co-workers for 10+ years and crossed the line. 
We are now 6 months into R and like I told him recently he went from having Steak (me) to having Hamburger (her)


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> My H def "affaired down" - I became obcessed with what she looked like so much so in the end he went on Facebook and found her, I was shocked ! She s plain , skinny and as flat as a pancake (he s always been a boobs man) - however she had the same color hair, eyes, was the same height and is the same age as me ????
> I remember turning to him and saying "you risked all this - the marriage the house our future for THAT?"
> I think in some ways it would have been easier if she had been attractive rather than this mousey creature - only thing I can think of is the fact that they had been friends/co-workers for 10+ years and crossed the line.
> We are now 6 months into R and like I told him recently he went from having Steak (me) to having Hamburger (her)


The affair partner's 'qualities' - or lack of - have seldom to do anything why a spouse cheats. It is all about ego gratification, Something that some of the ugliest looking people on Earth are quite capable of providing.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Let's see, myself compared to the ow. Well, first off I am *not* a pill-popping alcoholic, suicidal attention wh0re who has been used so much she has twatt rot. I don't pick up married men at their driveway while the wife is at home. In fact, I do not pick up married men at all. 

To kind of give a visual of the comparison between me and the ow-think of me as being Jennifer Aniston and the OW as being that unidentifiable dead thing rotting on the road. (They smell about the same too.) I still don't understand why the ex hubby cheated on me with that. That is asshattery at it's finest. 

It's like "Hmmm, I have a hot wife at home who loves me and will always be faithful to me but I'd rather go have sex with toad in their very own contaminated pond." I don't understand the logic behind it but that is what His Assholiness chose.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Let's see, myself compared to the ow. Well, first off I am *not* a pill-popping alcoholic, suicidal attention wh0re who has been used so much she has twatt rot. I don't pick up married men at their driveway while the wife is at home. In fact, I do not pick up married men at all.
> 
> To kind of give a visual of the comparison between me and the ow-think of me as being Jennifer Aniston and the OW as being that unidentifiable dead thing rotting on the road. (They smell about the same too.) I still don't understand why the ex hubby cheated on me with that. That is asshattery at it's finest.
> 
> It's like "Hmmm, I have a hot wife at home who loves me and will always be faithful to me but I'd rather go have sex with toad in their very own contaminated pond." I don't understand the logic behind it but that is what His Assholiness chose.


Maybe she's fulfilling some sort of intangible....like the bad girl from high school he never got or something....


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

stressedmomandwife said:


> but the thing he had over me, the one single thing to date that she has revealed.
> 
> 
> he made her feel special.
> ...


My husband said he did it because it kept the whole thing going. It kept OW interested in him and flirting with him. It wasn't what he was giving HER - it was that he was giving her whatever he had to in order to get the admiration he craved. It was all about what HE would get in return. In the end it was all about HIM.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

morituri said:


> The affair partner's 'qualities' - or lack of - have seldom to do anything why a spouse cheats. It is all about ego gratification, Something that some of the ugliest looking people on Earth are quite capable of providing.


Thanks Morituri - I finally get this . It s only taken me 8 monthe to get this , H has admitted that the hook to his affair was that she made him feel good about sex (we were virgins when we met and had no experiance) He doubted himself sexually and she was there stroking hie ego (and other things!)


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

elph said:


> my two biggest, you could say, are my height and my manhood.


In my country we say... an expensive gift comes in a very small package. Remember this all the time y have such worries.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

str8insane, if that photo in your profile is actually yours, you have nothing to fear in hoping to leave your cheater behind and finding happiness elsewhere. any sane guy would do whatever it took to keep you happy.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

My fiance cheated on me with a 22 year old. I am 33, have 2 kids. 

She doesn't have a mark on her. She doesn't have a care in the world. 

I compare myself to her everyday. Every single minute of everyday. I feel insiginificant and worthless compared to her. 

How could I not...He chose her over me. The few hours he spent screwing her was a 1000x's more important to him than the pain he was causing me by doing it (I didn't know for quite a while what he had done).

Imagining them together rips me apart. But it is impossible to stop.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> My fiance cheated on me with a 22 year old. I am 33, have 2 kids.
> 
> She doesn't have a mark on her. She doesn't have a care in the world.
> 
> ...


And why y put yourslef in the laboratory test bend?
Why y justify him as the ultimate tester and allow yourslef to accept the comparison? Or y put yourself into it.
Most propably he's an immature person with a lot of egoism.
Its a good opportunity for y to save your future and your children's from such an egoist father and H.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

lisab0105 said:


> My fiance cheated on me with a 22 year old. I am 33, have 2 kids.
> 
> She doesn't have a mark on her. She doesn't have a care in the world.
> 
> ...


Stop thinking about them What I said to str8insane applies to you as well. Neither of you take a back seat to any woman who would screw around with a married man.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> But that's the thing, they fail to realize, that guy makes you feel special for the moment, just like you did when they first met. Howver wrong, that's the dangerous difference, I think, between men and women's cheating. Women don't seem to have the foresight to realize that hey, maybe he's like this to me because it's new and eventually that will wear off and he'll treat me the same or worse than my husband, especially since he knows I am a cheater, he really won't be taking me seriously. Not many men are there running arounding cheating to feel special, doesn't make it more right, just more dangerous to the psyche of the cheater and will make the women constantly chasing that feeling of feeling special every time.


Milk I gotta disagree. I think my husbands whole issue was about attention and feeding his ego.


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## str8insane (Jan 30, 2012)

hookares said:


> str8insane, if that photo in your profile is actually yours, you have nothing to fear in hoping to leave your cheater behind and finding happiness elsewhere. Any sane guy would do whatever it took to keep you happy.



thank you..yes this is me..i try so hard to stay in shape.i'm 5'3 under 100lbs..but it didnt keep my hubby from straying..i truely feel sandra bullock,and demi moore on their cheating husbands that no matter how much you do to please your man if they get in their head they can fool around they will..go figure...


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

hookares said:


> Stop thinking about them What I said to str8insane applies to you as well. Neither of you take a back seat to any woman who would screw around with a married man.


It took me a while to realize this, because the OW in our case is gorgeous and tiny. I felt like the ugly step mother, but he dropped her as soon as I discovered her e-mails to him. I wasn't even sure yet what was going on. This was about the death of a parent; a missed promotion and a person feeling old, combined with an aggressive and infatuated young female with mother issues and a grudge against her own H. It was not about me. I know that now; bruised egos and poor communication skills are what most A s are about.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

True, I think Affairs are due to ego boosting but in hindsight I wonder how many WS would say it s worth it? Reading posts from people who have cheated and are truely sorry, they seem to be emotionally worse off than before the affair.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> True, I think Affairs are due to ego boosting but in hindsight I wonder how many WS would say it s worth it? Reading posts from people who have cheated and are truely sorry, they seem to be emotionally worse off than before the affair.


My H says that he wishes that he had never met his AP. He is ashamed of what he did. He said that he never thought much of men who cheated on their wives and the same go's for himself. It has gotten better for him since my anger and pain have waned some.He says that she made him feel "dirty" and that now he knows what real love is. We have decided to use this experience to become better people.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

My H still finds it hard to beleive what he did , he use to say people who had affairs were worth nothing, - he even gave up a friendship cos the man had several affairs through his marriage . 
On D day when I discovered the affair, he went into shock - he had nt thoght of it as an affair just "friends with benefits" it was just the sex for him - she was making him feel good sexually - now he s in pieces cos of what he s done and I find it very hard to give him any sympathy ,


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

ilovechocolate said:


> My H still finds it hard to beleive what he did , he use to say people who had affairs were worth nothing, - he even gave up a friendship cos the man had several affairs through his marriage .
> On D day when I discovered the affair, he went into shock - he had nt thoght of it as an affair just "friends with benefits" it was just the sex for him - she was making him feel good sexually - now he s in pieces cos of what he s done and I find it very hard to give him any sympathy ,


I don't think that my H really did either. We are older and had different libidos. He thought he was just balancing his life a bit. She was a Marriage an Family Therapy student and convinced him that an A would actually improve his primary relationship. It did too, for a while. He was a lot more involved at home ( guilt maybe ), and I was included more in his activities. I have since learned that this was a red flag, but I missed them all. His relationship with her got more complicated as it went on; she got very possessive, and wanted more of his time. He started to fear that she would try to interfere with our marriage and he was trying to end it when I discovered it. My reaction was to tell him to pack his stuff. I don't know why he didn't expect that reaction from me, but he was gob smacked.:scratchhead:He is the quiet kind, but he waxed poetic in his efforts to convince me not to D him. What finally worked was telling me that I would be making it easier for her if I kicked him out. That sold me, I have always detested women who go after married men, and I knew she was in love with him. I thought it was fair that she feel some pain too. She is very young and very pretty, but he was not the aggressor in their relationship, for him it was a wind fall. He has learned that some wind falls should be left where they fell. We have dissected the cadaver and now we know what went wrong and how to avert that kind of thing in the future. I think we are going to be fine, no thanks to her.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

I did that for quite awhile- compared myself to the OW. She was skinnier, and "prettier", has a job, etc. As someone who's always had self-esteem issues, you can imagine what a mindf*** this was on me. I mean, I friggin' thought she was *perfect*. It wasn't until I really started to listen to my H. and think about things that I realized what's been said-- it really had nothing to do with *her*, but it was all about *him*: his midlife crisis, his feelings, his loneliness and searching for something "better" but not being able to find it.

Now, I see her for what she is. A sociopathic, alcoholic, drug-addicted bad mother who's fast on her way to losing the one thing she's got going for her: her looks.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Oaksthorne
It sounds so much like my story - apprantly H had been trying to end it for a couple of months (but she was diagonosed with cancer then her mother died) but she was putting pressure on him to leave me, getting very aggressive with her texts, demandind more time etc . . . He has sworn on our daughters life that leaving me was never a option and he was trying to exit the affair without too much crap so that I would nt find out . And as bad as it sounds the thought of her suffering cheers me up


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Oaksthorne, how is the R going if you don t mind me asking?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> ELPH is 1000% right. And guess what everybody they always affair down.
> 
> ...


try to stop comparisons when you read on twitter message how great the sex was with om.and "check him out his name is so and so he is my friend on fb"and you look the guy up on fb and he looks like a fat pig.yup that really boost your self esteem.lol


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

mikeydread1982 said:


> Well, when I found out about her cheating, she didn't tell me the whole truth. At first it was once, then yeeeeaaarrs later, the "truth" came out. I don't see how one is worse than the other. She had a year long affair with someone while I was attempting to be the best boyfriend to her at the time. I screwed around with a few women, because in my then tiny, narrow minded thought process, that it was getting back at her and would help me get over it. But it wasn't so devoted and involved. To sleep with someone for a year requires some level of feelings and emotions. The emotional cheating was worse to me, because I forgave it when I was told it was once. And I do understand what you're saying about being all in or let go. The cheating has ended, on my end at least. and I don't believe she is either. But the times when she was cheating was when I was that emotional, open, talkative, romantic, guy that she wanted. So my defenses refuse to let me be that person without feeling sick to my stomach. It's not intentional, just how I feel. Being that person again will only remind me of the possibility. Because we all know, you don't cheat on someone when they were at their best in the relationship, it doesn't make sense, which is another reason for my not understanding the whole thing. I hyperanalyze everything. And if it doesn't make sense, I keep thinking about it until it does.


have you climbed inside my mind???? I feel like this all started with me at my "best." We were getting along really well, had 2 of the 3 kids off to college, doing well financially and he was getting ALOT of sex. So it leaves me thinking WTF? So now we are struggling through this crap and I dont know that I will ever be ALL in again. It just seems too dangerous to give him the chance to carve my heart from my chest twice. So we will have a new 'us'. And I wonder if he knows what he has lost. Do you think your wife does?


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

My H told me the other day that he know s it not the same , that he knows I ve built a wall around myself emotionally - I have and as I told him until I know he won t hurt me again the wall will stay up


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lisab0105 said:


> My fiance cheated on me with a 22 year old. I am 33, have 2 kids.
> 
> She doesn't have a mark on her. She doesn't have a care in the world.
> 
> ...


while I really do understand how this effects your self esteem(I am struggling too) please try to keep down the comparisons. She is nothing special. It wasnt about HER. It was about HIM and his EGO. It always is. 

And remember it is your husband who has lost too. He just may not realize just how much yet. Do you love him the same way? Do you admire him the same way? Respect him? Trust him? Its like you have to come to terms with who you REALLY married. I had my husband on a pedastool. He has fallen. I will never put him back. That is his price. I may never be ALL in again. Will you? Did he stay with you? How did you find out?

And you say Fiance? Has that changed?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I had my husband on a pedastool. He has fallen. I will never put him back. That is his price. I may never be ALL in again.


This is where I struggle. I DO want my husband back on the pedastool or I'm not sure I want to continue our marriage? I feel like that isn't fair to him, because we all make mistakes, but I'm shocked at how I can't move on. I shouldn't compare myself to the other person but really-"I" envy and want to be her!!! 

As for which is worse EA or PA I change my answer that I posted earlier...in MY case my H EA is eating on me unlike the PA (well is a kiss/make out session a PA?) he was extremely drunk and incoherent both times?!? Like another user commented, however, neither one is more worse than the other because they both should never happen AND every circumstance is different.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> This is where I struggle. I DO want my husband back on the pedastool or I'm not sure I want to continue our marriage? I feel like that isn't fair to him, because we all make mistakes, but I'm shocked at how I can't move on. I shouldn't compare myself to the other person but really-"I" envy and want to be her!!!
> 
> As for which is worse EA or PA I change my answer that I posted earlier...in MY case my H EA is eating on me unlike the PA (well is a kiss/make out session a PA?) he was extremely drunk and incoherent both times?!? Like another user commented, however, neither one is more worse than the other because they both should never happen AND every circumstance is different.


Mistakes? No an affair is a choice. Dont kid yourself. Mistakes are forgetting to stop and get milk on the way home or putting his new shirt in the dryer. An affair is a CHOICE. He chose day after day to put my feelings and his vows aside. He chose it. And so did your husband. Now with that said you can CHOOSE what you want to do about it. But it was not a mistake it was a lousy CHOICE.


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