# Pushing on



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hey guys, I had a few days with my head under the water so to speak since the V-day BDSM safeword incident, and my wife is just as stubborn as me when it comes to being non-compromising especially now, we're both backed to corners but still fighting.

Backstory: Wife and I have seperated due to issues with her sexual demands and my behaviour in response, we were on the road to reconciliation until V-day, when she ignored safewords during a BDSM trial and brought back memories of a rather traumatic past experience (by the same woman).

I decided not to accept half-assed apologies when it comes to ignoring safewords, not to mention the incident has made me realise that demon of hers is still really there. At the same time she is blameshifting and neglecting the error of her ways attempting to justify the whole incident. After constant fighting we've both had enough, and I told her I can't deal with her anymore and nor she. She's lost the will to fight for our marriage and so have I, we're both too stubborn.

My head has been under the water for some time and I contemplated anti-depressants but I've recently resurfaced and caught my breath. There's no longer any obligation for either of us to stay together, we're free to move on. Although it pains me to think of her with another man and having him in my daughter's life as well, I can not fold. She needs a yes man, a horny one at that.

Anyways I'm doing better, I can do this
Just another mountain to climb, at least I'll have some scars to show at the end eh? Maybe I won't recover from this, I've lost all desire for sharing my future with someone else, the only way I'm coping is focusing on myself, my dreams, my aspirations. For a while I lost all motivation to do anything, even wanted to hire a GM to take over management of my business due to my lame performance recently resulting in my staff having lack of hours this month, contemplated suicidal thoughts...

But I'm over it. If anything, I'm motivated enough to see this through simply for the sake of seeing it through and proving to myself that I can do it, that's enough to live for, I've convinced myself of that. I have to be determined. Anyways, I don't know what else I can get from this forum, I may not be posting much anymore, but I would like to express my sincere thanks in supporting me over the last 2 years even if my marriage has reached its last dead end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, it's sad that it's come to this. I hope you keep healing and find your way back to feeling good. You do have a daughter who depends on you. So you need to fight to be there for her.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your story makes me angry. Sorry you're going through this.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

RandomDude. Sorry to hear it has worked out this way. 

Your story has and will continue to help others in similar and not so similar situations. 

I do hope you continue to post with updates on your life and circumstances.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks guys, yeah it's pretty depressing. Gets more depressing if I dwell on it, just have to keep moving. For a time I really loved her, I trusted her, thought it was it... to have what I've always wanted since I was a child, a family of my own. Never thought at that time I would end up with a broken family just like my own during childhood.

I'm killing this desire now. During the day I feel nothing when I think of it, which is good, helps me move on. At night though it seems my subconsious isn't that well off, I dream about it and the pains. But hey, during the day is what counts, a conscious decision to not feel, to deny my desire, drive forward and calmly accept what is to come. I'll kill it eventually, I have more reason to, now more than ever. 

With tears in my eyes though, it looks like I'm still a LONG way to achieve complete individualism, physical and emotional independence. My wife is also much colder than before, I think her emotions are burnt out as well. We're "business-like" with our dealings and exchanges now. Our daughter is getting used to things and it seems she's doing better than the rest of us.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

You've been in somewhat of a catch-22 Random. I remember one of your threads a while back and it seems like a lot of what has attracted you to your wife is also the source of why you can't be with her.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For a time I loved it when our paths were aligned, when we actually were a team, a pair... but when our paths diverged well... forget it. All this drama, fights, breakdowns and BS... meh, fk it.

I admired her spirit, and although she was stubborn she used to be reasonable. If anything I'm glad that my wife has been honest and transparent with me through all of this. Some women would have just told me whatever I wanted to hear, but I'm glad at least that I haven't broken her spirit completely.

She's regained her stature after the drama last year, she's hardened now, and she wants to prove it. I can respect that, I'd rather this then to see her break down in front of me crying again. But we're on the opposite sides of the fence now, no way around it. She's better off without me and me without her.

Anyways, thanks guys, and yeah, broken homes suck. I wanted to do differently when I was a kid, but I guess having a solid family unit would have to skip my generation. I just hope my daughter will emerge stronger from this, in which she's doing alot better I guess, guess she's getting used to it.

I'm moving soon as well, my wife has the house and we agreed on her full ownership when we did the postnup, we're not divorced yet but it's only fair, besides my daughter needs a better environment. Guess this saves her finding a suitable lease - there goes that plan unless she wants to sell it. I'm currently looking for a nice suite, to be honest I've always wanted to live in a nice condo or something, would be a nice change, less memories too when I move.

Start afresh, new life...


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Good luck, RD
I know this doesn't help, but some space under a new context might make the world of difference to you. Keep in touch.


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