# I stand before you a Divorced man ...



## Forever Changed

Hi everyone,

I have now been legally divorced for 11 days now. 

I have recently returned home from staying with my mama for a few days.

I was expecting a big document of the Divorce (God I hate that word) in the post. Instead it was just a simple 1 page A4 letter stating that the marriage had been terminated. I was going to wait a few days to open it, but instead I faced my fears and opened it. It was surreal. I didn't go to pieces but I guess it is, and will start to sink in.

I don't know how to feel. I will be having my Divorce Ceremony possibly this weekend or next.

I will be filiming and making a speech and dedicating the rings back to the ocean, where mother earth will wash all the sadness away.

I would never have thought. 36 and divorced.

Thanks for listening,

Dan


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Dan,
Sorry to hear that you are divorced. I hear you saying that this has been a painful process. I hear how this has "taken the wind out of your sails." (At least, that's what I've said about my divorce.) I can't say that there are too many people who think that they would grow up, fall in love, get married, start a family, and then get divorced.

You are at the start of a new chapter in your live. You may not be able to see that now. But, I'm nearing my 2-yr divorce anniversary and I can say that about my life now. 

I am looking forward to hearing about the video. Hang in there.

Dennis


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## Forever Changed

Thanks, Dennis for your kind words.

It just feels weird. It is literally 7 years since I met my Ex-Wife (hard to say) on ICQ ... moved across the other side of the country to be with her, got married, bought a house, lots of money, had a baby.

Now here I am. 

I was at the airport on my way home and I took a photo of the stairs that she came down for our first meeting. It was just like yesterday. I remember seeing her in person for the first time.

And I remember the sad goodbye that we had when we had to leave each other again.

I just have to get rid of this feeling I call 'Lost'. After I have done everything, housework, washing etc and everything is done, I feel Lost. It's a truly terrible feeling. But I'm sure I'll recover, one day.


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## arbitrator

*Dan: I'm almost in your shoes now. I have a copy of the final decree of divorce but am awaiting the one with the presiding judge's signature, which would make it totally official.

Best of luck to us both and to all of those who will be shortly following in our paths!*


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## Forever Changed

I wish us all good luck in this second chapter of our lives.

And isn't it cruelly ironic that we become relationship 'experts' after our own failed marriages? I have been considering this very much.

The old saying - If only we knew then, what we know now ...


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## arbitrator

Forever Changed said:


> I wish us all good luck in this second chapter of our lives.
> 
> And isn't it cruelly ironic that we become relationship 'experts' after our own failed marriages? I have been considering this very much.
> 
> The old saying - If only we knew then, what we know now ...


*Amen!*


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## Forever Changed

I just don't know what the hell I am going to do with myself.

I have become deeply, deeply suspicious of people (especially women, of course) so the thought of meeting people scares me. Sometimes, I let my solid wall down and it feels ok. For a while. Then it has to come back up.

They very thought of saying ILY or 'I Do' makes me shudder. I am 100% sure I will never marry again.

I am trying to look at the fun times and the little jokes and language that we had during our relationship. 

Trying to look back with happiness, not sadness.


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## Mrlonelyhearts

Forever Changed said:


> I just have to get rid of this feeling I call 'Lost'. After I have done everything, housework, washing etc and everything is done, I feel Lost. It's a truly terrible feeling. But I'm sure I'll recover, one day.


I can relate to that lost feeling. I remember the first few months of being on my own. I definitely missed the routine, time with kids, being there for their every whim. I missed having someone around, even if we were arguing!

After two years, I've began to appreciate: No kids, no arguing, no toys everywhere, no piles of stuff everywhere. I found things to do when I don't have my kids; exercise, working extra, RELAXING.

I think it gets better and that it will get better for you as well.


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## angelpixie

Dan, it's really dark right now, but believe me, it will get better. There were plenty of times I never thought it would. But it does. I've started over at about 10 years older than you. Life is far from over, trust me. I was worried, but it's definitely not true.


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## Forever Changed

Yes, relaxing. Something that I simply cannot remember doing since that day when they left.

I haven't relaxed or truly laughed for months and months. 

As my mama said, the pain will not go away just like that, but each day it will dim. 

I just want to have that spark for life again.


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## Forever Changed

angelpixie said:


> Dan, it's really dark right now, but believe me, it will get better. There were plenty of times I never thought it would. But it does. I've started over at about 10 years older than you. Life is far from over, trust me. I was worried, but it's definitely not true.


Thank you Miss Angel. I know you are right, you always are.  

You never know, this second chapter maybe better than I could have ever imagined. Either way, it's God's Plan, Fate, the Universe.

Maybe something good will happen, suddenly, when I am least expecting it.


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## arbitrator

*Dan: Being somewhat older than you, I'd be totally lying if I didn't say that I have those very same trepidations!

I'm skeptical of love, vengeful, cheating people who have wealth, and of my age. But in my heart, I know that it is not God's will that we subject ourselves to being alone.

I truly believe that it is just a matter of us meeting the right loving and caring women that would unselfishly reciprocate the love within our hearts that we would come to express for them. 

Nothing more; nothing less!*


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## Forever Changed

I guess I am just saddened that D is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I was speaking to our help line in Australia (Dads in Distress) yesterday. Why oh why do I get counselling that makes me feel worse?

The chap was kind of understanding. But he was said that when exw 'repartners' (I hate THAT word too) that she will probably get our son (who is 17 months old) to call the new guy Daddy. 

Thanks for that.

And he also said that now I am out of the picture, they most likely just want me to disappear (and my mama, baby's grandmother no less as well). He said that they are all cosy together and living the good life. EXW has our baby, exPIL on call, living in a nice house with not a care in the world. 

But I could hear he was shocked when I told him that exw has taken great delight and glee in seeing me suffer and literally smashing me at my most vulnerable.

Meh ... what do you do. Move on is what you do.


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## realitybites

Forever Changed said:


> Yes, relaxing. Something that I simply cannot remember doing since that day when they left.
> 
> I haven't relaxed or truly laughed for months and months.
> 
> As my mama said, the pain will not go away just like that, but each day it will dim.
> 
> I just want to have that spark for life again.


Hi Dan,

Oh how I relate to this. Mine was official July 12. I know completely about relaxing or laughing. Now I've had some fun with friends...but there's some greater feeling above all that where I don't feel truly happy. I don't have much to complain about otherwise, a house, a job, healthy kids, etc. But yeah I know what you mean about "truly laughed". I still feel like it's pretty dark right now.

My comfort is seeing others through this that have indeed come back out into the light and are living again. I'm looking forward to that time as well even though it has felt like at times that it will never come.

Thanks for posting though...I know not a club any of us wish to have ended up in but we'll all survive!

Much regards,
Scott


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## Forever Changed

Scott,

Thank you for taking the time to reply and I am so very sorry about your D. Yes - The 'Club that No one wants to be in'.

I hope that you, me and everyone who goes this the Hellish experience that is Divorce can truly, truly laugh and be happy again.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy. And as God is my witness, that is no lie. 

Yes, I laugh at things. But it is not 'real'. What I do need to snap out of is this: I have it in my mind that I dare not try to laugh or be happy because in the early days I would 'forget' and go to pieces that my exw and baby are gone after I had my moment of 'happiness'.

Difficult times, but time heals all. I think I'm just trying to rush it.


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## realitybites

I cannot TELL you how many times I've said that..."I would not wish this on my worst enemy". Just an absolutely terrible ordeal.


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## Forever Changed

And the most horrible part is that they CHANGE.

1. Some change into strangers.

2. Some change into dangerous strangers.

3. Some change into dangerous strangers that want to see you absolutely ruined.

And to think, these are the people you once loved with all of your heart and soul. They were you whole world, your everything. 

Currently I am dealing with 3.


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## EnjoliWoman

OOh. #3. Yep, I hear you. 

That which doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I feel like I could lift a Mack truck about now.


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## angelpixie

As long as you are alive, there will always be a chance for love again, Dan. And until that happens, you will also find laughter again. It might be so gradual that you don't even realize it, but it will happen.


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## EnjoliWoman

I was gonna say "ooh, fresh meat!" but I felt I needed to be more tactful.


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## Jellybeans

Forever, two things: for some reason I thought you were a woman (my brain is cracked today, I swear cause I thought LivingAgain was a man all this time til today I found out she's not LOL) and also, I thought you were older for some reason?

Anyway.... yes DIVORCE is a sucky word and it is a situation that sucks but I am glad you are DONE with it and can start anew in you life.

Very nice that you got to spend time with your mother.

Staring at the decree is kind of a weird experience, right?


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> Staring at the decree is kind of a weird experience, right?


*I stare longingly at my decree and sit in sheer wonderment about our heartfelt vows to God, to each other, and to our fellow man, and to hear those most meaningful and reassuring words, "What God has joined together, let no man put asunder."

And then with the stroke of a pen, a man(or woman) sitting in Earthly authority, does just that!

No! It is not their fault, because all they are serving as is an Earthly facilitator to the actions largely brought about by the unjust prevaricator!*


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## Jellybeans

Why red, arbitrator? Just wondering. 

Yeah it is kinda funny how those vows really don't mean jack, isn't it? It's why I think it doesn't mean anything. The commitment, comes from the heart.


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> Why red, arbitrator? Just wondering.
> 
> Yeah it is kinda funny how those vows really don't mean jack, isn't it? It's why I think it doesn't mean anything. The commitment, comes from the heart.


*No real or clandestine meaning attached to using red, Jelly! At least not for me, anyway! I'll go ahead and change it over to blue to make it easier on everyone's eyes!*


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## Jellybeans

Haha.

But ya know what... it's better to NOT be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to ya anymore, you know? You deserve better.


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## angelpixie

I think it just takes varying amounts of time for each of us to get to that point of realizing this, JB. At first, many of us just are reeling from this person that we thought we'd always be with telling that that they didn't think we were worth crap anymore. After we get to the point of no longer taking that in and believing it, we can see that we are truly better off without these people. And many of us will even see that life without that person is MUCH better than life with that person.

All of this after going through that dark period of not knowing how we'd get from day to day, feeling worthless and beaten.


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## arbitrator

Jellybeans said:


> Haha.
> 
> But ya know what... it's better to NOT be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to ya anymore, you know? You deserve better.


* That is so very true! But conversely, it also greatly serves to lessen my trust in their commitment, should "that" other time ever present itself again!*


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## Jellybeans

That's normal, arbitrator. 

I will never ever view marriages/relationships the same way again pre-divorce. I simply did not think it was something that could/would happen to me/to my marriage. I thought it was a Forever thing. Not anymore.


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## Forever Changed

Yes, Jelly Beans. I too thought it was a forever thing.

I would have loved her no matter what. No matter how fat, thin, abusive, addicted, no sex, no money, cheating, not working, laziness. Through anything and everything. And I mean anything. 

Until the end.

And should I have died before her, I would have waited next to Jesus for her so that we may have been together, forever in Heaven.


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## Forever Changed

And this D Decree -

Can I burn it as part of my ceremony?

Do I need it?


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## angelpixie

You might. There are times you might need to prove that you aren't married, like in case you need to prove you're not responsible for a debt of hers, or something like that.

You can always make a copy of them and burn the copy in your ceremony.


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## Forever Changed

Thanks Angel. Didn't think of making a copy! Top idea.

Not married. I felt 'good' last night.

And I feel 'good' today.

Kind of free. And I don't need to be scared of S anymore. I can tell *her* how it is now with regards to our son.

I will be sending her an email telling her all about the weekend I shared with lil D and what fun we had, along with some pictures of me and him and D and his grandmama.

Also, I will be sending here the 'easy' and 'hard' read of articles regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Oh she'll be angry. But she needs to be told what she is doing.


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## 2ntnuf

You need it. You can get another from the courthouse here in the U.S. I don't know about where you live. I would make a cheap copy and burn that if you really need to do that. It would seem you need to get to the place that you would like to smash the wedding ring. Hang in there Dan. This life is not easy. Keep moving ahead. It doesn't matter how slowly you move forward. Just keep looking ahead. 

I'm sorry. I know the feeling of being forced to do something you don't want. It feels abusive. Sometimes it is. Sometimes it isn't. Sometimes our feelings don't allow us to know the difference.

Sometimes we just don't understand why things have to be.

Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.



Psalms 46
1 (To the chief Musician for the sons of Korah, A Song upon Alamoth.) God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore will not we fear, though the earth be removed, and though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;

3 Though the waters thereof roar and be troubled, though the mountains shake with the swelling thereof. Selah.

4 There is a river, the streams whereof shall make glad the city of God, the holy place of the tabernacles of the most High.

5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.

6 The heathen raged, the kingdoms were moved: he uttered his voice, the earth melted.

7 The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.

8 Come, behold the works of the LORD, what desolations he hath made in the earth.

9 He maketh wars to cease unto the end of the earth; he breaketh the bow, and cutteth the spear in sunder; he burneth the chariot in the fire.

10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.

11 The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah.



Mathew 6
25 Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?

26 Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?

27 Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?

28 And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:

29 And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

30 Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?

31 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?

32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.

33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

May God Bless you Dan, in all that you do.


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## Forever Changed

Thank you so very much 2ntnuf. Reading bible verses makes me sad, yet fills me with hope. I will always have faith in the Lord, even when Satan asks "Where is your God now?". Which he has done numerous times.

God works in mysterious ways; I shall try to stand still and let Him do His good work.

I was actually sitting outside again last night staring at the stars (a habit that I am trying to break) and suddenly it was like God 'spoke' to me (please don't think I am crazy). His words were:

"Leave it up to me".


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## soca70

Forever Changed said:


> Kind of free. And I don't need to be scared of S anymore. I can tell *her* how it is now with regards to our son.
> 
> I will be sending her an email telling her all about the weekend I shared with lil D and what fun we had, along with some pictures of me and him and D and his grandmama.
> 
> Also, I will be sending here the 'easy' and 'hard' read of articles regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome.
> 
> Oh she'll be angry. But she needs to be told what she is doing.


Daniel-

You will find that no longer needing to "manage" someone regarding these decisions can be very liberating. All the best!


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## Forever Changed

Cheers, Soca.

It *is* liberating and I have nothing to fear anymore, and nothing more to be taken.

I'd best not rush into it though, but I feel that I no longer have to vet/edit/re-read my emails to her.

Sure, I'll be 'friendly'. 

But I will man up for the best interests of our little boy.


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## Forever Changed

Dammit for one split second this wasn't happening and everything was wonderful. Damnit. Where did that come from?

But I'm ok. Thank God. All is well.

A word from our 'Little Language' just popped into my head that I hadn't thought about in months. I guess this is bound to happen.


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## Pinkturtle

I've been divorced twice. The second marriage I thought would be the one I grow old with. I was wrong. It hurts whether it's you're 1st, 2nd, 3rd or whatever how many times you've been married. You always think that the person you chose is the one for life. And when you're rejected or they are so horrible you have to leave for your sanity; it hurts to the pit of your stomach and you cry when any love song plays or some one asks about your ex or you cry for the hell of it. 


It's okay. It doesn't seem like you'll get out of this hole but you will and you will be stronger than ever. Peace. Edi


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## Forever Changed

Thank you Pink Turrtle, I'm am so sorry for you. 

My heart hurts for you. I can hear the pain in your post.

You know the saying "If you love them let them go, if they return they were always yours. If they don' they never were". 

This really hurts. Obviously she never was mine. I simply can't, and won't go through the pain again. If I were to get a second divorce, I could not take it. Just couldn't. I would die. 

I was outside trying to say the ILY to 'someone' last night. Could say it, but I felt nothing. Zero. 

And I get what you mean about crying when someone asks about your ex/divorce. I still involuntarily go to pieces when someone asks. As much as I think I am strong enough. But, not yet.

And that LOST feeling came on just before.

It's indescribable; and the worst feeling I can feel now. I think it's gone now.

Thanks everyone,

Your friend Daniel


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## 2ntnuf

Forever Changed said:


> Thank you so very much 2ntnuf. Reading bible verses makes me sad, yet fills me with hope. I will always have faith in the Lord, even when Satan asks "Where is your God now?". Which he has done numerous times.
> 
> God works in mysterious ways; I shall try to stand still and let Him do His good work.
> 
> I was actually sitting outside again last night staring at the stars (a habit that I am trying to break) and suddenly it was like God 'spoke' to me (please don't think I am crazy). His words were:
> 
> "Leave it up to me".


I don't think you are crazy. 

Sometimes, all we can do is lay our problems at the foot of the cross. You will be alright, Dan. I am just sorry that you hurt and wanted to offer some hope through the word. I don't mean to make you sad with it.


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## Forever Changed

I thank you for the support, 2NT. I didn't mean to offend, I gain great hope from the Word.

It will all work out in the End.


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## EleGirl

Forever Changed said:


> And this D Decree -
> 
> Can I burn it as part of my ceremony?
> 
> Do I need it?


Yes you need it. There will be legal things and financial things that come up when you will need it.

Make a copy and burn the copy. Or go down to the court house and get another "original" and burn that. I vote for the copy. It takes up less of your time and effort.


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## Jellybeans

Forever Changed said:


> You know the saying "If you love them let them go, if they return they were always yours. If they don' they never were".
> 
> This really hurts. Obviously she never was mine. I simply can't, and won't go through the pain again. If I were to get a second divorce, I could not take it. Just couldn't. I would die.


That's the hurt talking. She was yours at one time. And you were hers. But now you are apart.



Forever Changed said:


> I was outside trying to say the ILY to 'someone' last night. Could say it, but I felt nothing. Zero.


Why are you telling someone you love them if you are clearly not over your marriage/still hurting from it/grieving. Don't tell someone you love them unless you mean it.

As far as the decree goes - you could burn it, but just be sure you know where to locate it (court records/public records) if you need it in the future. 

As for sending her pictures of your weekend w/ the kid--is that necessary? And the parental alienation thing--will only stir the pot. Just focus on your and co-parenting now, not slamming the ex by sending her emails about alienation of parenting, etc. It may feel good temporarily to hit "send" but it's not worth it, IMO.


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## angelpixie

I agree with Jelly, Dan. If you really want to build a case for parental alienation, then just gather the evidence and don't tell her. If you let her know that you are watching her, she'll just act one way in your presence and differently when you're not around. 

Try to be civil and calm. You also don't want her using your anger as a way to justify keeping you from D. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to let them get away with some things temporarily until we have a real opportunity to do something about them down the line.

And I also agree with Jelly about telling someone you love them. Those are (and should be) big words to say to someone. Not just to see how they make you feel. It's not fair to say them to someone who might take them seriously, when you don't really mean them. If you love someone as a close friend, and you just say 'Hey, love ya' or something like that, that's different. But I don't think that's what you're talking about.


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## Jellybeans

angelpixie said:


> Try to be civil and calm.
> 
> 
> And I also agree with Jelly about telling someone you love them. Those are (and should be) big words to say to someone. Not just to see how they make you feel. It's not fair to say them to someone who might take them seriously, when you don't really mean them.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Forever Changed

angelpixie said:


> I agree with Jelly, Dan. If you really want to build a case for parental alienation, then just gather the evidence and don't tell her. If you let her know that you are watching her, she'll just act one way in your presence and differently when you're not around.
> 
> Try to be civil and calm. You also don't want her using your anger as a way to justify keeping you from D. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to let them get away with some things temporarily until we have a real opportunity to do something about them down the line.


Thanks guys for your advice. I appreciate it, as always.

But the thing is Angel, she already does act differently around me than everyone else. It's plainly obvious.

Even when my mum is in the room (as was last weekend). She's wary with a smack of patronisation. She was talking and sounding fake engaging in talk with my mama. I was only focused on D, and blocked out 90% of their conversation.

Mama said she was checking out the house and all my new furniture, everything. "She doesn't miss anything". That's what mama has always said.

One other thing I don't think I have mentioned is that during the 2 visits, from 9am to 4pm, she would have sent 10 texts per day 'enforcing the routine'. And checking.

He's with his father and grandmother for God's sake and he had the time of his life. No problems with me putting him down, feeding him or changing him. Easy. He is a pleasure. A perfect child.

And I want to make it clear that I am never angry with her on Skype. The 180: Detached. This is the only time I see her. All other communication is via email, at my insistence. I'm not an angry guy.

So I will not send anything about PAS. Just leave it.

It's getting mighty frustrating though, my friends. 

But it is for the best that I focus on Declan (as I always do) and keep cool on Skype and during visits.

Will keep ya updated friends,

Thanks again 

Dan


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## Forever Changed

*Parental Alienation at it's best* 


Email:

Hi S,

Thanks for sending me the email and picture of Declan.
Mum and I are planning to come to (city) between approximately the 19th of December and 22nd of December to stay for 2 full days to celebrate an early Christmas with Declan.

Could you please let me know which dates as outlined would work for you. 

Thanks,

Dan

Hi Dan

Unfortunately I am working until 20/12 and then we are going away for Christmas on that week-end so that won't *work for us.*

If you want a visit before Christmas it will *need* to be earlier in December. As *I work full time* we would need to drive up Sat and back Sunday afternoon, which would mean you would see D Sat arvo/Sun morning. 

Otherwise we can do a longer visit in (city) during the holidays in January. During the term *I can't take days off* I can *only* do short week-end visits in (city) and longer visits in (city) during the holidays. 

Please let me know other dates that suit you & I will let you know if they *work for us.* Also, sorry I need to cancel Skype today. Will be *available* on the week-end. 

Thanks, S

Oh, it won't 'work' for you?

So you're saying that you cant take ONE day off of work? (She is a teacher). You think I haven't had to push my limits at work regarding leave to see my boy? All the while not knowing if I even had a job from day to day? Hmmm? Surely your work is not soulless that they would not accommodate such a request as our son seeing his father? Oh, no. You don't wan't to say, consider or ask them of this. It wouldn't 'work for you'.

You can't put YOURSELF out as we have done over and over and over, and bent over backwards and backwards to when it suits you? Not to mention the thousands of dollars that we have spent?

And I see. You're going away on the dates I had planned.

Where? Of course this would be a trip most likely longer than it would be to come to where I am?

And wouldn't you even spare a thought that I, his father, and his grandmother may celebrate an (albeit) early Xmas with our boy? Just once?

Oh yes. And thanks for cancelling Skype today. I was looking forward to seeing my son. Yes, thanks. 

*Looks like a phone call to your dad is in order.*


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## 2ntnuf

Dan, you're telegraphing your thoughts to her. Why not ask her when you can come and see Declan for Christmas instead of telling her when you will be there? I know why. It hurts to have to be humble to the one who has hurt you so much.

You just pissed her off. That's what you will get every time. She doesn't want you to be involved in your son's life because it's more burden for her with a new relationship. You have to remember the goal is to see your son, not be a pain to your ex. If he is worth it, you will use a different method of getting what you want. 

Remember, though, you may never get exactly what you want. 

What's in your divorce papers? Is there anything that says when you get to see him? If not there, are there custody papers with that information? If not, you may want to talk with an attorney to see if you can get visitation rights changed. I don't know how it works in Australia.

There is a woman here who knows tons about parental alienation. I wish I could remember her name. I'll search a little and see if I can find out who it is. Maybe she can tell you what books you need to read. She has been through a whole bunch of crap. I went through this with my children and NEVER got it resolved. I did not have any help and did not know how to handle things at all. 

I see the obvious mistake you are making here. Anyone who is looking from the outside in would see them. I'll edit this once I do a search. I think she has a blog or something, but I'm not certain.

Edit: Here's a link I found. http://www.parentalalienation.org/

Here's a link to a thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/family-parenting-forums/59221-parental-alienation-story.html


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## Forever Changed

Because 2NT, I have to put it in black and white to her. 

Short and simple. That's all she can understand. Straight to the point.

I really don't think people here know exactly what I am dealing with.

I'm tired of bending to her demands.

This is bull****. 

I'm still being a doormat. And I am tired of tip-toeing around.

And I'm deadly serious.


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## Forever Changed

And sometimes there comes a time, when you have to ignore all the advice and warnings and put people in place. 

Have to be the man who picks up the phone and tells them how it is, and how it's going to be.


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## 2ntnuf

If you are tired of being a doormat, then you will do all in your power to take her to court and make certain you have legal rights to see your son. You will set up dates and times for holidays and anything else that is important and you are sure you can do. 

That is not being a doormat. You can then take her to court when she does not follow the court order. You can have the law behind you. You can keep a journal of what is happening along with skype sessions and take them to court with you to help you see him the way you want and are able. 

That is fighting for your son. It's up to you to do the work. Check out the stuff I posted. See if it will help you. Talk to the courts or an attorney. Make it happen if that's what you want. She will know you are serious if you do this and are consistent over years time with keeping your word.


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## 2ntnuf

She does not want you to fight for him. She wants you to leave them alone. Do you want him in your life when you are old? Do you want the chance to see him when you are taking your last breaths? Think hard, Dan. This is important. 

I am 51. I know what I am telling you is hard to read. This anger, weakness and lack of self confidence is your depression talking. Get angry? Yes. There are ways to get angry. One way to use anger is to lash out. The other is to complain to someone. Another is to let it push you to not let anyone stop you from learning all you can to protect your rights to see your son. When you use the anger to help you do something positive, you are using it well. You are using it for the reason we feel anger, motivation to do the right thing.


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## 2ntnuf

You see, Dan, she knows you still love her. She does not want to deal with that either. She reads and hears it in your words. She sees it in how you speak with her and how you react to what she tells you. It is somewhat normal for both of you. You will, one day be able to have reasonably healthy interaction with her. At the very least, you will be able to be civil with each other and you will not feel the anger and jealousy toward her. That takes time and possibly counseling. It's just the way it is.

You are taking care of you when you take the right steps to see your son. Your self-esteem will grow as you work your way through the tough things in a healthy way. You will show yourself, through actions, that you love and respect yourself. It's really tough to do when you are depressed. It can be done. Each time you make a little progress, you will feel a little stronger.


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## Forever Changed

Hi 2NT,

Thank you very much for your kind words. I have been thinking about what you have said very much over the past couple of days.

The court system in Australia doesn't work for men.

And with this visits, I have worked out that the arrangements I want to make to see my boy have to me molded around 3 different people's timetables. EXW, exPIL & exMIL.

You see they live in the middle of nowhere, which you may or may not know. All she has to do is jump in the car, and drive to the city where we meet with her 'entourage'. She claims it takes 4 days and 4 nights to drive here. It's like 300 miles (in USA terms). For her to jump on a plane, on her own with our boy and take a 3 hour flight to come to the city is unthinkable. She couldn't do it on her own. 

She's got free accommodation. All the time in the world. Support. Money. Blah blah blah.

So the conclusion that I have come to is the best thing that I can do is nothing.

The only thing that I can do is see my boy when I can, and enjoy him, teach him however, and whenever I can.

It hurts. But what hurts more is that no one cares or will tell her to consider our boys father and our relationship. And to take that trip on that weekend without even sparing a thought that his dad may want to see him for a pre-Christmas? This is his 2nd Christmas. 

But what did I expect.

I guess that if I am pushed out far enough, and she continues on her path of alienation and Declan grows older with issues that will affect him for the rest of his life due to the fact that he never 'knew' his dad, then she will have to live with that.


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## 2ntnuf

300 miles can be done in six hours or less. With a child, it can take longer. Why can't you meet them at least half way? That seems reasonable. It seems like she might be willing to do that. Doesn't it?

What's happening that you aren't saying, Dan? I don't understand what you mean when you say the courts are for men. I do in a way, I just want to see some facts as to why you believe that is all in the courts hands. 

I know from personal experience, it was a choice for me. I could have somehow seen my children. I would have had to quit night school. I would have had to change my hours at work or find another job. I would have had to get my attorney to help me with all of this and found a way to pay for it. 

I thought it was all the courts fault at one time. The truth is, it was a little of my fault, a little of x1's fault and a little of the court's decisions based on what they were told. So we all had some blame. 

The only one willing to take any of that would be me. I am who is blamed. I did have a lack of knowledge, money and help. Those are excuses and a stubborn pursuit of what I wanted may have made a difference. 

I had some of the same issues as you with parental alienation. I did not have the resources or know where to look. Most important, I wanted to further my career more than my relationship with my children. I thought it was easier and would be more rewarding. I was wrong, Dan. Careers come and go. 

So, I'm not sure I understand in some ways. I do in others. At least I think I do.


----------



## Forever Changed

300 miles is what they have to drive to come to where *I* live.

The city where is meet in 1 and a half less hours to drive (about 4.5 hours). Which is where I meet her 'half way'. Of course I realise that it takes longer with a child. But 4 days and nights? Please.

But I think I know why; exMIL must accompany on her trip as she cannot take care of D on her very own. And exMIL is sick I think. 

There is nothing that I am not 'not' saying here. 

Oh I've been to a Family Law 'expert'. She advised the only thing I can do is pack up and move closer. Which is in my plan, someday, somehow in God's good time. But she then said the problem is that when they move across the other side of the country then I am screwed.

Please bear in mind I have no one. I do have my mama who lives on the total opposite side of the country. I haven or friends or family to help. This is ok, though it makes if difficult sometimes. 

I will not go to court because I do not want Declan to see the ugliness that I know will ensue. He is so young; he does not want to see this. I won't have him seeing this. At least he is with his mummy and being looked after. I hope. I hope she doesn't yell at him and hit him all the time for being a loud little exploring boy.

So I will step back now.


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## 2ntnuf

Are these paved roads? haha Traveling by camel? 300 miles is nothing. Sheesh. I would easily do over two hundred miles on a Saturday when I had my motorcycle. Bum was sore but I had a smile on my face(with little bug wings in my teeth )

You will not know how she is treating him unless you are in his life. Have you read any books on acceptance? I've read a couple and they were tough to take. They did force me to look at things I didn't want to see. I had to adapt some of it because it's not a counseling session. It wasn't perfectly suited to me. 

I hate to see you give in. I think you may regret that later. Even if you feel horrible sometimes, you will be better off if he wants to see you once in a while. You don't know what his life has in store for him. He may well live within a half hour of you and not know you and not want to see you. That's tough. I've been there and still am. I'm not making this up.


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## Forever Changed

Haha I know. No they are not paved roads. They have the best vehicles. A huge 4WD. Top of the range. ExW has a new car. I'd be there every weekend if I had a reliable vehicle, endless time off work and unlimited money. But mama raised an interesting question: What if this were the case, that we had means to do this. How would this work? Something I had never thought of. What would EXW and EXPIL be like?

It's be laughable if it wasn't so heart breaking and tragic.

Oh I've accepted this whole thing. I just want to see my boy. And I want him to know that his daddy never abandonded him. 

Which brings me back to my original stance now; all I can do is nothing. This will achieve the goal of me being able to spend quality time with him, whenever I possibly can. 

And yes; I have to learn to accept that he will not want to see me, as you have stated. I feel so deeply sorry for you and all of us fathers who have to go through this. And I understand that some just give up, after fighting and fighting and fighting. I don't blame them at all.

It's the children that are the real victims of divorce; but PAS is child abuse. 

Declan, I pray for you every night and I think of you every second of every day. I love you so very much. 

One day my precious boy, one day.


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## 2ntnuf

I didn't mean you have to accept your circumstances. It's a different kind of acceptance that actually frees you to be the man that's hiding under all the pain. It is not acceptance of crap. 

You show me what you can be in the first part of that post. Then you turn your gaze back toward yourself. That's something different from what I mean. I hope you can see that one day.


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## Forever Changed

So I sent a message to the Queen of Entitlement for the next visit:

Hi S****,

How about somewhere between the 31st of December and the 8th of January?

Would that work for you?

Thanks,

Dan


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## 2ntnuf

Document, document, document. Keep the records. Even if they don't work in your favor in a court of law, they will help in later years to understand what happened. They might give you a little peace of mind when you doubt yourself.


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## angelpixie

Absolutely document, I agree with 2nt, and I've been saying this all along. It's your story, Dan, and it's important for Declan. He's really too young to see anything that transpires in the courts now, so don't worry about that.

What is important is your situation in a couple of years when he's a little older. I feel bad that my DS doesn't really remember all the holidays we DID have together. We split when he was 8. I thought he'd remember more from when he was younger, but those memories of kindergarten are even fuzzy for him. Declan won't remember any court fighting. So use this time now to lay the foundation for being a regular part of his life, so that he'll be used to that from this point on.

I don't care if they live in the bush. It doesn't take 4 hours to go 300 miles. Sarah is a grown woman. She doesn't require an entourage. She requires a gassed-up vehicle with a baby seat. She needs to grow the hell up. And you not fighting her is another thing that's not making her grow up. If you let this go, you are letting her continue to get her way, like a brat. But this isn't just about a toy to play with, it's your child. A little person that you love and have every right to have in your life and to be in his.

I know the courts in Australia do not make things easy for men, but 2nt is absolutely right. Where there's a will, there is a way. It's been too easy for you to give up, Dan. It's too easy for you to look at yourself as a martyr to Sarah's evil treatment. If this was really as important as you say, you'd be throwing your all into making it work. Saving your money to move closer (which we've talked about for months), looking for jobs or training in other parts of the country, etc. Declan is not going to care what you do for a living, he's going to care that you fought for him, that his daddy didn't let his mommy keep them apart. He will learn who she is one day, Dan. Wouldn't it be better if the two of you were already close by that time? When that happens, will he turn to a father he barely knows? 

Fight, Dan. Fight back.


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## 2ntnuf

Joint Custody with a Jerk: Raising a Child with an Uncooperative Ex- A Hands-on, Practical Guide to Communicating with a Difficult Ex-Spouse: Julie Ross, Judy Corcoran: 9780312584207: Amazon.com: Books


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## Forever Changed

Gosh I feel weird today. What a strange weekend.

I had Skype with EXW and Declan on Sunday. But it's starting to feel ... weird. EXW just basically sits there and gives me one word answers. For example - Me: "How's his week been" - Her: "Good". She doesn't leave me anything to work with. 

I just can't communicate with her. She is impossible. It's almost like she is scared or keeping her own wall up.

If I didn't say anything, she would just sit there, like a statue.

I just want to communicate with her, to know all about my boy.

She sends basic emails - sleeping well, no problems at daycare. 2 or 3 sentences. And she looks ... frumpy. The outfit she had on yesterday was something that a 50 year old would wear.

Of course, I am still keeping walls up. Should I let them all down and talk and just be myself? I just can't shake this feeling that everything that I do is perceived by her as 'trying to win her back'. But I'm not. Not anymore.

And I will be sending the family a Xmas card. I will address it to To the (maiden name) family. 

Just a quick rant people.

But what IS working, is that Declan says Dadd-da when he sees me. Oh he knows his daddy. Thank God for me keeping up Skype.

I'm beginning to think that she is unwell in her mind.

I don't know.


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## Forever Changed

And furthermore I am going completely stir crazy all alone. All I do is clean the house, do my domestic duties, take care of the pets.

And then I sit outside and smoke, and am alone with my thoughts. I have been thinking some crazy things lately. 

Though what does fill me with hops is that I have made the decision to move back home, to where my mother is by Xmas of next year. The only thing that is keeping me here is my job. I am committed to getting my money right and moving back to safety.

I now think that before this all happened, I was so innocent, no naive. When I trusted everyone and the world was a wonderful place. Things were beautiful.

But boy, I learnt my lesson. And people look at me different now. I truly do believe that I am FOREVER CHANGED.

And at 36, I kind of consider my life to be over. I'm tired and I don't have the energy for anything these days. I've suffered enough in my life. 

And my interests? I just can't be bothered anymore. I have no inspiration or motivation. I just survive every day, every thing is the same.

I am having immense trouble surviving the time when I get home until I go to bed. It's only a few hours but it is so lonely sometimes.

But having said that, I am using the Law of Attraction. I now expect and demand that the Universe sends me the best of the best, because all through my life I have had the worst of the worst.


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## Forever Changed

And other women. I think my eyes are slowing opening again. I do look now and I think my sex drive is coming back again. That lustful feeling. It's been over 18 months with no sex. 

But was kind of scares me is that I don't care if I have sex again, ever. Should I meet a girl at any stage in the future, I will wait and wait and enforce my boundaries.


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## ne9907

Hi Forever Changed
I had not read your story before, so today I began to read it. About a year ago you posted a thread called "Does anyone else think this?"
Remember? it was about hoping for reconciliation but forgetting why?

I am going through that at the moment. I hoped and hoped but I know it is no longer possible. My ex told me recently that the song "Let her Go" by Passenger was about me. But he also said he does not wish to reconcile. I do not wish to reconcile either, but boy did it hurt to know this!!!

Now, I read your post


> Of course, I am still keeping walls up. Should I let them all down and talk and just be myself? I just can't shake this feeling that everything that I do is perceived by her as 'trying to win her back'. But I'm not. Not anymore.


and it gave me hope for the future. Hope to know that one day, I will feel like that. I have my walls up, he has his walls up. It is better to keep our walls up, I think.

We definitely want different things in life, I cannot give him what he wants/needs and he cannot give me what I need/want.
Should you keep your walls up? I would say yes, but you also have a child to think so. If lowering those walls means more information about your kid, then lower them.
You know what you want.
Keep up the awesome work.
Thank you for sharing your story.


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## Forever Changed

Hi NE, thanks for reading my story and sharing. 

I hope that I have helped you and given you hope for the future. I never thought that I would not want to reconcile, in fact I was crazy desperate and would have done anything to have her come home. 

But it does happen. It is the most difficult thing I have ever done, all alone, to 'Unlove' her. It just about killed me and almost sent me to the hospital. But with the TAM Laws, the research and the detachment worked. Finally.

But you can do it, NE. If I can, anyone can.


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## Forever Changed

I can't wait for this year to be over. 

It has been the most Hellish year of my life. 2014 signals a new start for FC here. New beginnings, and new hope. 

My mama is visiting for Xmas, in 22 days and I can't wait. Can't wait for some company and to talk, and relax. Then we are going to see Declan for 1 afternoon and one full day and staying in a wonderful Hotel. I hope his mother does not make it difficult. She always insists on staying for lunch so that Declan doesn't freak out. I hate that. He is with his father and grandmother for God's sake. It's like she is hiding around the corner. And she bombards us with text messages to see if he is ok. I mean, the last time (from 9 till 4) she sent 10 messages.

But I suppose that the Control Freak in her, given her occupation. 

What makes me sick is that I see much younger mothers, with 2 and 3 little children getting around, happy, relaxed and doing it on their own, ie shopping etc.

I'll say it again dammit. EXW is 34 next month. She is permanently living with her older parents. Everything she does with Declan, she has to be 'accompanied'. What the hell is with that, I've stopped trying to understand. Just makes me cross.

Because she has never experienced TRUE tragedy in her life, as I have. She has never been alone and had to do it tough. Always been enabled by her parents (especially exMIL).

First sign of trouble? We'll fix it. Don't want to do the hard work? We'll do it. 

Anyway, rant and whinge over.


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## angelpixie

Forever Changed said:


> But what IS working, is that Declan says Dadd-da when he sees me. Oh he knows his daddy. *Thank God for me keeping up Skype.*


Indeed.  I'm sooooooo glad that you didn't give up on him, Dan. That has to make you feel _so_ wonderful when you hear him say that. It makes me happy, too. 



Forever Changed said:


> I'm beginning to think that she is unwell in her mind.
> 
> I don't know.


Well, you know she had PPD after Declan was born, and I don't remember, but had she experienced depression or anything like that before? It's also very possible that the way she was raised, and the relationship with her parents led to a lot of the way she later acted with you. And now she's living with them full time. She may well be dealing with some psychological issues. For Declan's sake, keep an eye on her, but other than that, you can't force her to seek treatment or to want to change her life. She has to reach a point where she wants it and does something about it. 

I think you should be yourself no matter what, Dan. And do it because of you, because you are who you are. 

I just read your last post. She is not healthy, you are right. It's super unfair that you have to go through her to see Declan, and go through such hoops to set up a visit. But just try to do as little as you need to placate her, but don't let it ruin your visit. It's a little price to pay to spend time with him. 

I hope that 2014 turns out better for you. I'm glad to see you thinking about moving to a different place. Maybe going somewhere else will give you a new landscape to explore, and you'll find some new things that you'll get interested in. You'll never know if you don't try, so it's great that you are!! :smthumbup:


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## Jellybeans

Glad to hear your mom is coming out to visit you.
Sorry it's been a trying year. Hopefully next year will be super awesome!  Chin up!


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## TBT

Daniel,though you're still working through this and feeling lonely at times I think you've come so far from where you were last year.You do sound so much stronger my friend and you're making plans again for down the road.Good to see because we all need some support closer at hand.

Declan saying dadd-da! Cool right!?!...I know,same with my son!

Take care D.


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## Forever Changed

Thanks, TBT - long time no hear! Lord I don't want to think about last year. 

Yes I am moving forward. I do have my days though, but I've spent all this year getting smashed from every angle and now things are calming down. I've started 'overwriting' history so that none of it ever happened - pushed back to the furtherest reaches of my mind. I know it is not healthy but it is the only way I can deal with it. 

I love my boy very much. I can see it in his eyes that he knows me. I bought him a Little People Farm and a toy flip Mobile for Xmas. He just loves openening and closing things and pressing buttons! His mother is getting him a Magnadoodle and portable DVD player, so I also think I might get him some DVD's. I'll post them this weekend.

And my mama came up with a brilliant idea. I'll send him his cute Xmas card, but I've taken a great photo of me with my little dog and I'll staple it to card so he knows it from his daddy! 

All these things I am doing WILL pay off. I never, ever not pay maintenance. Skype is getting better. I will always send him presents for his birthday and Xmas etc. Forever. And I will let him know that I will always be there for him, day or night. He can have everything I own. 

Still having problems as I wrote with communication with her. But I have a theory that I am working on. I have re-discovered my original self. I still have some fear of her. Isn't that ridiculous? But I'm starting to think that she is fearful of me too - sometimes I feel that she wants to talk, but I don't know. 

But I will attempt to talk to her like I did before I knew her. I know we are divorced. There are so many things I don't know what she does with my boy (specifically how he is at daycare). Mama says 'just ask!'. Thing is when I do ask, she gets angry. That's the last thing I need. I find myself still bloody well walking on eggshells! She is a very vicious person.

I don't even know where he goes to day care, other than he goes 5 days a week. I had a thought of asking where the daycare place is and calling and speaking to them about his behaviour etc. But is this a bad idea? I think it is.

And thanks for writing Angel! They way she was brought up - she was given everything. She is an only daughter with 2 brothers. Everything she wanted, she got. Never did do the hard yards.

And you are right about placating her. Don't want to rock the boat, just want to spend quality time with Declan. 

And I wonder. Am I still a doormat? Agreeing to everything? Tip toeing around her, watching everything I say and getting 'camera ready'.

Wouldn't most fathers be furious about this whole thing?

Random thoughts from FC.

Thanks friends!

Dan


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## Forever Changed

And you know what is the saddest part of all this?

That is took this terrible event to make me the MAN I am today.

Confident. Independent. Decisive. Careful. Awake.

Quick Rumination: If ONLY one that day, when Declan was about 3 weeks old that I mentioned to her that she should go and stay with her parents for a while to deal with her PPD and to help her with Declan. She didn't want to. I didn't push it.

How I wish I did. I'm sure as Hell that I would now.


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## ne9907

Forever Changed said:


> And you know what is the saddest part of all this?
> 
> That is took this terrible event to make me the MAN I am today.
> 
> Confident. Independent. Decisive. Careful. Awake.
> 
> Quick Rumination: If ONLY one that day, when Declan was about 3 weeks old that I mentioned to her that she should go and stay with her parents for a while to deal with her PPD and to help her with Declan. She didn't want to. I didn't push it.
> 
> How I wish I did. I'm sure as Hell that I would now.


Try to stay away from the could haves, should haves, would haves. 
It is not good to torture yourself with this kind of thoughts.
Your boy loves you. He will always be yours, always.
I think it would be a good idea to talk to his daycare center. You are his father and have a right to know how he behaves etc.
Good luck!


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## Forever Changed

Thanks NE! Your comments always make me feel better. I now understand the concept of Rumination and am staying well away. Gets less and less everyday - "It is what it is". 

But to ring up the Daycare Centre, wouldn't that make me seem, kinda like a stalker? Yes, I am his father, but I have the whole of the Sisterhood against me. Not making that up. 

As much as I'd love to call, it just doesn't feel right. His mother would be furious. And I mean Devil furious like she gets. Something I'll have to think about. It's an uncomfortable thought.

Thanks again NE!


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## Forever Changed

Yo Zappy, long time no hear brother. Yes I still post my random thoughts. I can't wait for this year to be over. It has been pure, unadulterated pain and sadness, but I am confident that I am 99% healed. Obviously, this has been the most devastating thing to happen to me. Taking my baby many miles away and her trying to prevent me from having a meaningful relationship with my son has been the most difficult part. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, ever. I can relate to your story Zappy. It was truly evil to have your ex terminate your baby. It sickens me. 

More children. I don't know about that. It takes years to meet someone and form an LTR. I'm 36 now and I have largely given up on life now - just surviving from day to day. I am thinking about getting The Snip. I have lost all trust in people and cannot feel vulnerable to love anymore. Furthermore, they always leave anyway so there is no point. And I am not suffering any more loss in my life. I'm done. 

I have grown so used to being worried, sad, anxious, and scared that I don't know what it's like to be happy or relaxed anymore. That's ok. My mind has been re-wired.

I am a laughing stock at work, and they want to see me burn. But I turn off to that. My 'friends' never call or FB me. That's ok too - I guess they don't feel comfortable in talking. I understand that.

I hope you are doing ok, man. One day if I come across lots of money I would like to visit you brother.

God bless you man. Keep praying and ask the Lord for guidance. Ask him to help you forget about D.

My thoughts are with you, and all of the poor souls here on TAM.

Dan


----------



## ne9907

Forever Changed said:


> Yo Zappy, long time no hear brother. Yes I still post my random thoughts. I can't wait for this year to be over. It has been pure, unadulterated pain and sadness, but I am confident that I am 99% healed. Obviously, this has been the most devastating thing to happen to me. Taking my baby many miles away and her trying to prevent me from having a meaningful relationship with my son has been the most difficult part. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, ever. I can relate to your story Zappy. It was truly evil to have your ex terminate your baby. It sickens me.
> 
> More children. I don't know about that. It takes years to meet someone and form an LTR. I'm 36 now and I have largely given up on life now - just surviving from day to day. I am thinking about getting The Snip. I have lost all trust in people and cannot feel vulnerable to love anymore. Furthermore, they always leave anyway so there is no point. And I am not suffering any more loss in my life. I'm done.
> 
> I have grown so used to being worried, sad, anxious, and scared that I don't know what it's like to be happy or relaxed anymore. That's ok. My mind has been re-wired.
> 
> I am a laughing stock at work, and they want to see me burn. But I turn off to that. My 'friends' never call or FB me. That's ok too - I guess they don't feel comfortable in talking. I understand that.
> 
> I hope you are doing ok, man. One day if I come across lots of money I would like to visit you brother.
> 
> God bless you man. Keep praying and ask the Lord for guidance. Ask him to help you forget about D.
> 
> My thoughts are with you, and all of the poor souls here on TAM.
> 
> Dan


First off, FB is soooo overrated... I haven't visited mine in like a week!!! which is a long time for me since I was addicted to it.

second, never give up!!! Hope is the most wonderful thing God has given us. Hope and Faith 

You make me want to reach out and give you a big hug. Have you ever watched the movie "GI Jane", it is a very bad movie, but the best thing about it is the poem by DH Lawrence that goes like this:

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself"

so in conclusion Forever Changed, like "Joe Dirt" (another movie) said "You gotta keep on Keeping on"

Don't forget to Smile~ Show the world you are not broken!
Show your child he means the world to you. Smile~


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## Forever Changed

Thanks NE, I haven't seen those movies but they are wonderful poems.

Thing is NE, I am Broken. Beyond repair. I accept that, I am at peace with that. I love my boy and he makes me smile.

But I'm telling you now that if was not deeply religious, I would end it all now. I'm not joking. Selfish? Incredibly. But this is not an option - I don't want to go to Hell. Unless God forgives, but I am not willing to take that chance. I dream of Heaven. Dreamt about it the other night. That an Angel was carrying me up and I could see the big blue Earth with it's seas and clouds. And I felt such relief - to finally be free.

Keep on keeping to me is trying to survive, feed myself, do my job and endure the days until it is time for bed. Then next day, rinse and repeat.

This is my life now. I'm ok with that.


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## Forever Changed

*General Observation*

So I was sitting at the gardens during lunch and thinking about everything.

It has finally dawned on me that if the world is an evil place, people are cruel and don't care about you, but more chillingly want to see you burn and laugh about it, what else is there?

God, please take me before I am 37. I just ask Lord, my one and only wish, with all my heart and soul is to take me quickly and painlessly. Please.


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## ne9907

Forever Changed said:


> *General Observation*
> 
> So I was sitting at the gardens during lunch and thinking about everything.
> 
> It has finally dawned on me that if the world is an evil place, people are cruel and don't care about you, but more chillingly want to see you burn and laugh about it, what else is there?
> 
> God, please take me before I am 37. I just ask Lord, my one and only wish, with all my heart and soul is to take me quickly and painlessly. Please.


FC...
the world is not cruel yes there are plenty of cruel people in the world, but hope and faith is the most wonderful gift God has given to us.
I know I am not speaking for myself when I say that WE here on TAM care about you. WE don't know you, we are strangers, but we care what happens to you.
Maybe you should quit your job and find something more fulfilling.
What would your son do if God takes you? What would your mom do? 
FC do you see a counselor? Can you talk to a religious figure? You should do so. Immediately. Please do not dwell on bad things. 
You know it is very windy and cool today in CA. It is almost Christmas, this year I will more than likely not get a present. I know this sounds so petty in comparison to your problems, but this hurts me deeply.
This is going to be a very bad Christmas for me as I will be away from the person who I love more than anything (my ex)
I get sad, I get upset, I get very depressed but I KNOW. I KNOW that the longer I live the better life becomes
YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS.
YOU HAVE DECLAN! HE LOVES YOU!!


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## Forever Changed

Everyone here at TAM has given me such support and advice on how to conduct myself during this period, and I am forever thankful that I found this site and implemented the wonderful advice that was given to me. Everyone here has been so kind to me.

I hope you do get a lovely present for Christmas, I really do. I know you deserve it. Please try not to be hurt. I know it's hard.

I have been down the counselling and antidepressant route. Did more damage to me than I could have ever thought. 

This is Declan's 2nd Christmas. I wasn't able to be with him for his first, and I am not able to spend this one with him either. I most likely will never get to spend any special occasions with him.

I am a Realist. It's been a horrible life. Horrible. Full of death, abandonment and pain. 

It would be better for everyone if God took me, it really would. Declan would be fine - he is going to be poisoned against me by his mother as the years go on. Parental Alienation works like a script. But he is happy and he will be happy. I always tell mama that should I die, please, please don't be sad because I will finally be at peace, resting. 

But I'm a Realist. And I am beyond help. I look at the stars every night and ask 'Lord, when? WHEN?'. 

I have failed as a father, a husband and as a son. A complete and utter failure. I couldn't have done any worse in this life.

I know certain people get angry when I talk like this, but I can really see no other option. I'm tired, I'm scared and I'm lonely and I am an unmitigated, undeniable and complete failure as a human being.


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## ne9907

You are 36 you are young. You are not a failure. Do not waste the precious gift God has given you. I will pray that you find hope.

I have been where you are at the moment. I too, have felt worthless and I have also asked God to take me. But with every new morning I give thanks for unanswered prayers. God has a purpose for you, even if it is only to live to 100.
He has a purpose for all of us.


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