# Is it really worth it?



## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

I have been in R for about 7 months now and I have all the mind movies, triggers etc. I was just wondering for all that choose to R is there ever a time all the bs goes away. I on this site all the time and have thousands of posts and I read it gets easier as time goes on but does it or will it ever disappear? Just wondering if it really is worth it.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Is your spouse doing everything necessary to help you heal?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I have been in R for about 7 months now and I have all the mind movies, triggers etc. I was just wondering for all that choose to R is there ever a time all the bs goes away. I on this site all the time and have thousands of posts and I read it gets easier as time goes on but does it or will it ever disappear? Just wondering if it really is worth it.


18 months in R myself. Still have the mind movies. I patiently wait for that "2 to 5" years to pass; that I read about so often.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

SofaKingWeToddId said:


> Is your spouse doing everything necessary to help you heal?


I would say yes but I am not sure there is anything that she or anyone could do to make whole again.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

badmemory said:


> 18 months in R myself. Still have the mind movies. I patiently wait for that "2 to 5" years to pass; that I read about so often.


That seems like a very long time and what happens after 5 years and it still there? Just 5 more years wasted.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Sometimes you can't fix what's been broken, no matter how much you want to.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

No it won’t go away.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

It will be with you for the rest of your life. Its all in how you deal with it.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

southernsurf said:


> It will be with you for the rest of your life. Its all in how you deal with it.[/QUOTE
> 
> I agree. It totally sucks being in the position I had a wife I thought I knew and after this I am wondering what the heck I married.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Mind movies absolutely DESTROYED me while we were in falseR.

You know what helped ease them for me after 9 months? 

*Kicking her ass out*.

Not lying.

For the first time in 9 months, I can drive home at
the end of the day and it doesn't feel like my car
is filling up with water. Nor do I dread walking through the
front door of my house anymore, as there's nobody to
fake their feelings towards me while wagging a finger in my face.

Downside is if I let my mind allow it, I can still envision
their wild times together. Knowing who the OM was/is doesn't exactly help in that area.

It's all in your mind, so try and keep your mind active
but in a more productive direction that won't paralyze you in your tracks for the entire day.
I did a lot of crossword puzzles and mind bending games
to pass the time, it did help some.

Wishing you the best man, triggers and MM's *are the WORST*.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Not trying to scare you but it will truly be a part of your life forever. You need to decide now if and how you want to go forward.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

agree with cts, thats what i did and don't regret it. Its the only way could deal with it.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> I would say yes but I am not sure there is anything that she or anyone could do to make whole again.


Exactly.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Mind movies absolutely DESTROYED me while we were in falseR.
> 
> You know what helped ease them for me after 9 months?
> 
> ...


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm 2 months into R. WW is working hard and is desperate to hold us together.

I don't want to waste 2 - 5 f*cking years waiting for something to go away - it never just goes away. 

Our wives betrayed us in the worst possible way. I feel my love for her dying a slow, painful death. I'm turning myself off from her. She's holding on for dear life.

Having kids involved really makes it hard. I loathe my WW for doing this to our beautiful family. My love is being replaced by hate.

I don't want to do this.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

cts and ss - can you link me to your original stories please?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I think the worst part is the 1 hour commute to and from work. It's then that it's at it's worst.


Yep. Me too.

The closer I'd get, the more the anticipation would build.... and
I'm sure it was the same on her end.

I would be thinking "can I look her in the face tonight?" or 
"will she talk to me about something _important_ tonight, other than bills and kids?" 
or "how empty will the wine bottle be by the time I get home?"

I didn't enjoy any one of the steps that were taken throughout
this entire process. Kicking her out was the best for me mentally. 

Not saying it's what you should do,
but it's the only thing that worked for me... she was a walking, talking,
living, breathing trigger.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm 2 months into R. WW is working hard and is desperate to hold us together.
> 
> I don't want to waste 2 - 5 f*cking years waiting for something to go away - it never just goes away.
> 
> ...


I hear you I have 4 kids and it's not like it was just me and her. At least on my end if I want it over she will leave and the kids and house are mine. Also why is it that they have to cheat with the lowest scum on the face of the earth but I guess that's what sleeps with married women.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We're almost 3 years in and today the marriage I have is better in pretty much every way than the one I had before D day.

Hubby is one of the truly remorseful ones, and has been almost since day 1 (with some blips along the way)

I don't have mind movies any more, I haven't felt the need to snoop for months, we are closer than we have been since before the wedding, and I am happy


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> We're almost 3 years in and today the marriage I have is better in pretty much every way than the one I had before D day.
> 
> Hubby is one of the truly remorseful ones, and has been almost since day 1 (with some blips along the way)
> 
> I don't have mind movies any more, I haven't felt the need to snoop for months, we are closer than we have been since before the wedding, and I am happy


It's great to hear that thing are working for you. I hope I can be in your situation one day.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> That seems like a very long time and what happens after 5 years and it still there? Just 5 more years wasted.


I can't argue with you on that. I suppose that's one of the chances you have to take when you R with a cheating spouse. 

But don't let me get you down. There are a number of longer term R's that are success stories that you can read about here.

They're just harder to find.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

badmemory said:


> I can't argue with you on that. I suppose that's one of the chances you have to take when you R with a cheating spouse.
> 
> But don't let me get you down. There are a number of longer term R's that are success stories that you can read about here.
> 
> They're just harder to find.


I know it is way to much easier to find the ones that wind up in divorce.


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

One year after DD, still have the pain and feel really down from time to time, but crying is less. Still the fear for repeat, but holding on to the love that I have and partner does all the heavy lifting he can.
Triggers? Every minute of the day, she lives opposite of us

But I refuse to give up, as I know that despite what happened he loves me and I love him. as long as you have this love, you will continue. If love, like some state above are gone, then divorce.

Days that I live like a zombie, and just wait till the day is passed. other days are better, and they are increasing, not enough like I wish, but they are there.

R is holding on and keep on fighting with 2 for your 'NEW' relation


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

sometimes an affair is a total dealbreaker. sometimes unbeknownst the BS until years later. 

you don't have to wait 2-5 years. that's just an estimate. it's really up to you, when you either decide to stay and fight or throw in the towel.

it's seems like you want your marriage so maybe more time is what you need. 

thing is..... you're either ALL IN, or not at all.


i don't think you ever truly get over such a betrayal.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

southernsurf said:


> It will be with you for the rest of your life. Its all in how you deal with it.


15 years later, 16 years in a month that I had my affair. It's never forgotten and my wife still triggers once in a blue moon.

Like SS said, just going to have to deal with it for the rest of your life. The million dollar question now is, can you?


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I don't know if they will ever completely go away. We will be in TRUE R for 1 solid year in 3 weeks. I can say that it does get better, as long as your WS shows true remorse and you start to feel like you could fall in love with the person they are becoming. Honestly, how can you be in love with someone who destroys you and tosses your family aside like that? You can't. For me, I think the near destruction of our family was the wakeup call my WH needed to completely change who he had been all along. However, if I did not fight so hard and treat the situation as "he is my family - you don't give up on family", I don't think I could have stayed. I saw him throwing his life away and a part of me felt like I had to save him from himself.

If he never cheats again, yes, it will be all worth it to me. I feel myself falling in love with him day by day. I also feel like I hate him at times - because I loved him so deeply before.

I don't have mind movies. My pain comes from the lies he told me. The words he said to me. What he did to me. 

If he cheats again, of course it will not have been worth it. But then again, if I left and remarried and that person cheated, would that have been worth it? You just never know.

I think you have to really see a new person in your spouse after the affair to be able to tolerate and work through the pain better. I gained more clarity about what I wanted, what I expected, and what I deserved. He needs to fill all of that now...and day by day he is. So I take our R day by day...so far, so good.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> Our wives betrayed us in the worst possible way. I feel my love for her dying a slow, painful death. I'm turning myself off from her.


WOW that is one of the most painfully powerful things I have ever read. 

I have a theory about this and Ill sorta put it into math terms.

Couples start with a trust score of 100. When there is some kind of millder betrayal. Lets say she has a GNO with friends "at dinner" which turns out to be a dance club instead and you have mutual agreement neither of you will partake in. Nothing happened but she lied about her whereabouts. Your trust drops say 30 points to 70. Each month of good behavior the trust score gains 10% so in 1 month its 77 and 2 months about 85 etc...

The thing is PA is a huge hit and for some men that penalty is 100. Well 100 - 100 is 0. You add 10% to 0 you still have 0. You can do that until hell freezes but the trust is gone to NEVER return. At zero trust for any length of time the marriage is doomed. Now for some men the penalty is 98 so there IS a long road back for them.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> WOW that is one of the most painfully powerful things I have ever read.
> 
> I have a theory about this and Ill sorta put it into math terms.
> 
> ...


That's a great way to look at it. I guess you can R as long as a PA only equals a 99.9 or lower lol.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Bk will write more when I get time. Haven’t put my story out there, maybe I should because I have a full story, DD and a concluding ending with info that may be useful to people. When I had a hunch she was playing games the way I gathered evidence was to walk in on her. It was shock reality for both of us. My hunch was correct. The gut usually is right. I was a college student and blindsided - very preoccupied with school and after this went to med school - she worked never went to school. I struck immediately and didn’t look back. I did the 180 before there was a 180. She freaked. My reaction was all based on gut feeling. I was looking for an immediate response, some action from her that would give me confidence she could fix this – I didn’t get that immediate feeling so I knew I had to get in complete control of the situation. For me it was all gut feeling and a decision that I probably would never be able to trust her again, so I left for the unknown. It was very difficult and for her embarrassing thats why she had trouble responding to getting caught – she was in all types of damage control that all was about her feelings, not mine. She was immediately dumped by OM. The image and memory will be burned in me to the day I die but I had to do it. I learned how to cope and moved on for the better. I did regret the quick decision at first to leave and not look back (literally) but I stuck to it and in the long run it was best. Today, happily married and successful. Her 3 divorces and living with her mother in an appt. She lost it all and knew it when I moved on and wouldn’t look back. I never understood why within 12 months she married a guy with my same first name. It wasn’t a coincidence – anyone ever hear of something like that. Her friends told her not to do it but she did anyway and was separated within 18 months.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

No, it will never go away. My experience is that the intensity also remains same - but the duration decreases. It doesn't eat up whole days and nights ...


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## canadiangirl (Apr 24, 2012)

Just so you know that you are not alone, triggers still occur. 6 months since D day. Still have triggers. I'm still angry. I still check emails, cell, etc.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I can't really chime in, honestly, on this topic since we are divorcing...but, I will say that during the times during R she was making an effort things would get better, then I would feel her slide again, stop making the effort and discover her A had continued (renewed?). Enough was enough. 

Now that I get to see it from the other side, in a weird way I agree with CTS, things immediately got better (For me! She is drowning...) 

I think as long as they are doing everything then things get better. If you are stalled, you need to explore that...when I did, I found more, and more. Listen to your gut.

Someone asked me once how they would know if they were truly cured of cancer. My response, "You die of something else". Not funny, but absolutely true. I think if you live the rest of your lives without your spouse cheating you made a successful R. But I truly believe affairs are addictions, so that colors my thinking...20 years out, a relapse puts you back to square one...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Things may get better but divorce doesn't make everything go away. You can still trigger decades later even if you break up. Justlike you can be sad over someone who died years ago. 

Have you recieved ptsd counseling from someone with infidelity experiencee?


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Things may get better but divorce doesn't make everything go away. You can still trigger decades later even if you break up. Justlike you can be sad over someone who died years ago.
> 
> Have you recieved ptsd counseling from someone with infidelity experiencee?


I never went to ic, mc or any type of c. Maybe it is time to check into it.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

chapparal said:


> Things may get better but divorce doesn't make everything go away. You can still trigger decades later even if you break up. Justlike you can be sad over someone who died years ago.
> 
> Have you recieved ptsd counseling from someone with infidelity experiencee?


I would certainly agree with this. Your personal journey MUST contiue wether you R or D! I can't stress that enough. It has to be about YOU right now. I realized this and really hunkered down over the last year of false R and now going through divorce. 

But the mind movies have ended. I no longer worry about where she is and what (who) she is doing. And I can't tell you how nice that is.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

D is brutal, but the pain of the betrayal is not as wrenching if you are not with the WS. When we were separated, I didn't give a ****. Now we are together, and it is MUCH more painful to deal with.

I don't want to be with someone who is capable of doing what my WW did. It's not about pride. It's about falling out of love with someone because they threw you and your family away.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

No, the mind movies stay.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> I hear you I have 4 kids and it's not like it was just me and her. At least on my end if I want it over she will leave and the kids and house are mine. Also why is it that they have to cheat with the lowest scum on the face of the earth but I guess that's what sleeps with married women.


I wondered the same thing about women who cheat with married men. Luckily for me I don't know what she looks like. It's made it easier not to deal with mind movies. It looks like you're getting the better end of the deal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> D is brutal, but the pain of the betrayal is not as wrenching if you are not with the WS. When we were separated, I didn't give a ****. Now we are together, and it is MUCH more painful to deal with.
> 
> I don't want to be with someone who is capable of doing what my WW did. It's not about pride. It's about falling out of love with someone because they threw you and your family away.


Agreed! I know that you are trying to reconcile. But I think you'd be so much happier moving on. It's been very easy for me to move forward without him. I actually decided after allowing him to piss me off on Wednesday that I wasn't even going to respond to his texts anymore. I do great and then I speak to his moronic azz, and he makes it easier to hate him. 

I have a lot of respect for people who can be strong enough to work through their marriages after this sort of betrayal. Best of luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

23 years into reconciliation.

No the pain and doubt never totally go away, and still occasionally get the mind movies. But leaving her wouldn't change that. In spite of the crap, our marriage is the best it has ever been, and I am very happy to be with her.

Over years you don't speak up, you stop talking about stuff, and you don't realise it is happening but you are growing apart. Then an affair happens and it becomes a moment of truth. 

We have confronted a lot of our issues as individuals and as a couple, and we are individually and jointly stronger and better people. She is an amazing fit for me, and an incredibly decent woman (the affair being VERY out of character) and I am not going to throw all that away lightly, only to take a risk with someone new who would most likely prove to have their own issues and weaknesses. As do I.

If you love her, and she is playing straight with you as far as you can see, stick with it.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

akashNil said:


> No, it will never go away. My experience is that the intensity also remains same - but the duration decreases. It doesn't eat up whole days and nights ...


That's what I believe. So if you want to spend the rest of your life with that person I guess you will have to live with all the bs it brings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

To those that want to recover there is no guarantees as there are no guarantees in life.

To those that want to recover the need to learn how to recover.

You want to learn how to recover then you must get the books Surviving An Affair and His Needs Her Needs both by Dr Harley.

You will need how to insure an affair is killed dead.

How to keep it dead.

How to rebuild trust and realize that trust will never be as it was but it can be brought back to 99%.

That you have to accept that recovery is a marathon not a sprint.

Crying how your WS's affair sucks is not recovering.

What have you and your WS's done to recover?


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## Awakening2012 (Apr 13, 2012)

Dear Bunt Kep and The-Deceived - 

Mad props to both of you for trying R, and thank you for sharing your struggles -- I can only imagine how challenging it would be to grapple with the trust issues, and painful memories. I would not presume to advise one way or the other on whether to continue trying, but as others have pointed out, we do not get any guarantees that the grass will be greener on our own or with someone else. 

May I ask you both, where do you stand with the concept of forgiveness? Is this something you are able to envision working towards, as long as your spouse is making a good faith effort to make amends and regain your trust? Because speaking as the extremely remorseful spouse who is currently still in the DOG HOUSE as far as my husband is concerned, I have beat myself up ruthlessly and endlessly for my trangression -- and at some point we have to forgive ourselves, learn from our failings, move on and stop living in the past. I do not know if my H will give us the chance for R. But by the grace of God if he were to do so, I can't imagine it working without some form of forgiveness -- and most likely some marital counselling to help us rebuild.

Again, I applaud you soooo much for trying!!! I pray that you get all the support you need to help your efforts succeed before making a difficult decision to throw in the towel, should you end up deciding that path is for the best. 

With Major Respect, - A12


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Awakening2012 said:


> Dear Bunt Kep and The-Deceived -
> 
> Mad props to both of you for trying R, and thank you for sharing your struggles -- I can only imagine how challenging it would be to grapple with the trust issues, and painful memories. I would not presume to advise one way or the other on whether to continue trying, but as others have pointed out, we do not get any guarantees that the grass will be greener on our own or with someone else.
> 
> ...


The gruesome details and length of the affair and how she left me are too much for me to forgive. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way she treated our family.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

My story is that I'm getting a divorce after 45 years of marriage and 30 years after his PA with the OW (there was an EA with the same OW a few years ago).

I certainly felt 30 years ago that I was "over it" but I did a lot of rug sweeping and, looking back, I really wasn't. After Round Two a few years ago, I knew I wasn't "over it". 

It's taken me this long after Round Two to decide to get out. And, no, the mind movies never completely went away. Nor did the triggers.

Is it really worth it? For me, no.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I have been in R for about 7 months now and I have all the mind movies, triggers etc. I was just wondering for all that choose to R is there ever a time all the bs goes away. I on this site all the time and have thousands of posts and I read it gets easier as time goes on but does it or will it ever disappear? Just wondering if it really is worth it.


Yes! Yes, it is!

Well, it was worth it for me.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

You will never get over it, you just learn to live with it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

There are a lot of things in life, good and bad, that you will never forget. This is one of them.

Three things that can make it better:

1. Time.

2. You (stop dwelling on it).

3. Your wife. The one with the most control is your wife. She can make you feel good about reconciling with her. She can tell you and SHOW you how appreciative she is, through her actions and her words. Make you feel loved and sexually desired. Make you feel that she really has learned that you are the one for her and she will never be confused about that again.

What I think happens many times is that, after the initial outpouring of sorrow and apologies and actions, it just goes back to "normal" - within a week or two or maybe a month. That stage of expressing and showing you how happy she is that you gave her another chance has to go on longer than a week or two or even a month or two.

I know with four kids and a job it's not always one big party, but she's really got to let you know how happy she is to be married to you at some point every day, every morning, every night. This is the type of thing she could fake for a week or two, maybe even a month, but not long term like six months or more. So if she keeps it up, it makes you feel much better about sticking around. 

In the meantime, if she is pretty much doing everything you need and making you feel that she is happy to be with you, then you have to hold back on letting it out on her - talk to her if you have a concern, but not just to vent your anger. Venting on her may make you feel better for a minute or two, but it sets you back in other ways, it allows you to dwell on it. It does nothing to help you beyond the minute or two it took you to do it, and it does nothing to help your marriage, it acutally sets your marriage back a little.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm 2 months into R. WW is working hard and is desperate to hold us together.
> 
> I don't want to waste 2 - 5 f*cking years waiting for something to go away - it never just goes away.
> 
> ...


I know exactly what you're going through.

It's the definition of _hell_.

Stay strong.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Awakening2012 said:


> Dear Bunt Kep and The-Deceived -
> 
> Mad props to both of you for trying R, and thank you for sharing your struggles -- I can only imagine how challenging it would be to grapple with the trust issues, and painful memories. I would not presume to advise one way or the other on whether to continue trying, but as others have pointed out, we do not get any guarantees that the grass will be greener on our own or with someone else.
> 
> ...


I am sure at some point I will forgive but I will never forget. I do not have much support my mom has passed and my dad is a pos cheater himself. I was thinking about giving ic a chance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yes! Yes, it is!
> 
> Well, it was worth it for me.


That's what I need to hear I want so much to be back in a good place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> That's what I need to hear I want so much to be back in a good place.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You'll get there. Just give it some time...


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You'll get there. Just give it some time...


I just want to know how someone who you thought you knew could do so much effed up stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I just want to know how someone who you thought you knew could do so much effed up stuff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because they can? Track my story down. It's really bizarre.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Because they can? Track my story down. It's really bizarre.[/QUOTE
> 
> Do you have a link to it?


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> There are a lot of things in life, good and bad, that you will never forget. This is one of them.
> 
> Three things that can make it better:
> 
> ...


I have to agree the yelling at her and calling her a wh0re does not do our relationship any good. It is hard to stop dwelling on it that is just in my nature. I try so hard to not think about it or react to the triggers but it just so hard.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I just want to know how someone who you thought you knew could do so much effed up stuff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wanted to know the same thing. It's the "why?" that nearly drives you insane. 
Sadly, I doubt it will never make sense. 

I view it as a crack addiction. Once they start, they
get hooked. Once they get hooked, all reason and logic
go out the window until they're unable to control their own mess.

It's my belief that in this type of situation, any thoughts towards
the BS at this point are minimal at best. They're in la-la land,
riding their own high and it's all about them.

I would also highly recommend IC if you don't have a release for your pain and frustration.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I have to agree the yelling at her and calling her a wh0re does not do our relationship any good. It is hard to stop dwelling on it that is just in my nature. I try so hard to not think about it or react to the triggers but it just so hard.



Be careful. Doing this too much will cause her to shut down and stop trying.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> I wanted to know the same thing. It's the "why?" that nearly drives you insane.
> Sadly, I doubt it will never make sense.
> 
> I view it as a crack addiction. Once they start, they
> ...


I need to check with my new insurance to see what they cover but I am up to going to IC.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> Be careful. Doing this too much will cause her to shut down and stop trying.


I know I have stopped the conversations about the affair because she felt that's all I did was talk about it. And after awhile what else do you need to know about the A. I have been up to date with your story and I am glad you seem to be doing better. I was in your position just a few months ago I was just about to give up but I just couldn't do it. I just wish I knew about this site about a year and a half ago then I would have caught her before it started.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> I know I have stopped the conversations about the affair because she felt that's all I did was talk about it. And after awhile what else do you need to know about the A. I have been up to date with your story and I am glad you seem to be doing better. I was in your position just a few months ago I was just about to give up but I just couldn't do it.


At 8 mo post Dday, I was drinking like a fish, hurting myself
and more angry about the A than I had ever been before.
Then she broke NC and I *had* to kick her out. I took it as a dare on her part. 

As much as it hurt, I *had* to act. 




BURNT KEP said:


> I just wish I knew about this site about a year and a half ago then I would have caught her before it started.


Maybe yes, maybe no. Just don't beat yourself up about it at all.
She had the intent to cheat, so she would've gotten it done somehow.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

cantthinkstraight said:


> At 8 mo post Dday, I was drinking like a fish, hurting myself
> and more angry about the A than I had ever been before.
> Then she broke NC and I *had* to kick her out. I took it as a dare on her part.
> 
> ...


I don't beat myself up about it. My whole story is just a really messed up one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

southernsurf said:


> When I had a hunch she was playing games the way I gathered evidence was to walk in on her. It was shock reality for both of us. My hunch was correct. The gut usually is right.


You walked in on her as in grunt grunt moan moan IN YOUR BED?

If yes, bet your mind movies are the worst cause you dont need to use your imagination.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I am a former WS and you can find my thread in the private members section called The Ups and Downs. We are 13 months in R and to be honest..there are days where he still feels like it's D-day all over again.. it's been very rocky. My husband calvin also posts on there. I am not going to advise you whether to stay or leave because I know this is hell for you. I am every day grateful that calvin is still hanging on but I don't know if he will change his mind. I understand why if he did leave but I am doing all I can and I will not risk losing him ever again..I wish the triggering would stop, I wish I could turn back time but I can't and no one deserves to be cheated on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I'm 2 months into R. WW is working hard and is desperate to hold us together.
> 
> I don't want to waste 2 - 5 f*cking years waiting for something to go away - it never just goes away.
> 
> ...


The divorce helped soooooo much.  I can smile again, I feel safe, and I can be me w/o the worry of sharing my woman w/ another man.
There are tons of good single women who'd kill to have a good, honest man, you just need to do a better job finding her this time.  Good Hunting!!
Mouse


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Hey my husband brings it up just about every day. If your WS is complaining about it..well that's not fair to you. I wish my husband didn't think about it all the time because I don't but if that's what it takes for him to heal then well too bad ..he didn't cause this and he certainly didn't deserve it. I must live with what I did. I should have thought about the consequences a long time ago. He does not deserve the pain he is in and neither do you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> The gruesome details and length of the affair and how she left me are too much for me to forgive. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy the way she treated our family.


Best to ask questions carefully so the BS only digs as far as they can handle.

Having a WS willing to tell all is a first step to recovery. By sharing the truth the WS is taking steps to repair the trust.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Nope. 

I guess i'm one of the infidelity/deal breaker guys. As soon as she cheated(although it took me months and months to come to this conclusion) I knew I'd never trust her again. This came from a cold certain place, and then everything after was so much clearer on what to do.


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

LookingForTheSun said:


> I think you have to really see a new person in your spouse after the affair to be able to tolerate and work through the pain better. I gained more clarity about what I wanted, what I expected, and what I deserved. He needs to fill all of that now...


:iagree:


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Do not let anyone tell u it does not get better when u
leave. It does. because your wife did not cheat, your ex wife did. You slowly come b ack to life. At least i did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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