# Obsessed with the other woman



## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

its been five months since I found out my husband was seeing another woman. Some may say it was not technically an affair because we were seperated at the time due to some legal allegations that forces him to leave the home. I actually did file for divoirce but it was to protect our assests - not to dissolve the marriage. 

If still find myself thinking of her daily. They met at AA and he slept with her at my motherinlaws house and hers. I find her long blonde hair in our truck as he provided transportation to the meetings. I have a hard time going to my mother in laws and seeing the room where they laid together. 

I focus on this constantly and cry all the time - whether I am at home, in the car, at work, wherever. Will this subside? I find myself wanting to know everything about what they did - I imagine the worst with it all. I have always thought that sex was extremely intimate and want to know if it was for them. My heart is still broken ...... he has not spoken to her since the day we discussed the whole incident -- he stayed and never left. I do believe in him and feel that I sort of pushed him away due to the allegations but I never thought that within two months of him being gone that he would do this after being togther for over 25 years. He is my life, the father of my son, my best friend .. yet I still feel so betrayed, hurt, and alone. I do not have anyone to talk to except him - my family and friends to NOT know ... I am hoping that I can get some sort of guidance or peace of mind that I am not going crazy and this is a normal path regarding this situation. 

Although they were only together a couple of times - and that the guilt and the fact that he still wanted to be with me but thought I was done ... made it difficult to perform - I do know that she did oral but he did not. The thought of her - being with him just drives me crazy ... the real kicker is -- she is obtaining her masters to become a counselor .... where are the morals of these people .. yes he was an equal player but these women need to get a life. Sorry Im just ranting now ....


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

Heartisbroken,

I understand 100%. I officially found out my husband had an affair 1 week before my birthday/anniversary 7 months ago. It is extremly hard to swallow because I have been with my husband for 15 years. I never thought my life would become a Maury episode. I am in limbo right now. I lost 10 pounds, I still am depressed and I now have adult acne. To cope, I have begun to meditate. I also work out to release my anger, frustration, and anguish. It hurts like hell because the woman moved to my state because per her "my husband told her it would be a better state to raise her two daughters, since she was a single mom". How noble of him, right? Only for her to now live 15 minutes from my house and to know that she moved a year after we moved to my state which was 3 years ago. I am realizing that I am losing myself for someone who didn't have the back bone to leave the marriage prior to engaging in an affair that per him "was one time, it was just a friendship that got out of control, she's not my type - if I was single I wouldn't look at her twice" type of BS. PS, they work together. My advice to you is not to lose yourself, unfortunately I lost myself because of this affair and I realized that I am worth more so I am tryin to get myself back on track and I urge you to try and do the same. Especially for your son, he needs a healthy and happy mom. I am here if you need to talk.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

lovehonorandcherish said:


> Heartisbroken,
> 
> I understand 100%. I officially found out my husband had an affair 1week before my birthday/anniversary 7 months ago. It is extremly hard to swallow because I have been with my husband for 15 years. I never thought my life would become a Maury episode. I am in limbo right now. I lost 10 pounds, I still am depressed and I now have adult acne. To cope, I have begun to meditate. I also work out to release my anger, frustration, and anguish. It hurts like hell because the woman moved to my state because per her "my husband told her it would be a better state to raise her two daughters, since she was a single mom". How noble of him, right? Only for her to now live 15 minutes from my house and to know that she moved a year after we moved to my state which was 3 years ago. I am realizing that I am losing myself for someone who didn't have the backbone to leave the marriage prior to engaging in an affair that per him "was one time, it was just a friendship that got out of control, she's not my type - if I was single I wouldn't look at her twice" type of BS. PS, they work together. My advice to you is not to lose yourself, unfortunately I lost myself because of this affair and I realized that I am worth more so I am tryin to get myself back on track and I urge you to try and do the same. Especially fo your son, he needs a health and happy mom. I am here if you need to talk.


Wow! You have got to get this woman completely out of your life, one way or another. He needs to have no contact of any kind. Can You move?; can he transfer or go elsewhere? My H's affair partner just kept popping up like a bad penny, and it put me back to square one every time. I began to heal when she went away.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> Wow! You have got to get this woman completely out of your life, one way or another. He needs to have no contact of any kind. Can You move?; can he transfer or go elsewhere? My H's affair partner just kept popping up like a bad penny, and it put me back to square one every time. I began to heal when she went away.


I sat and I thought about it and what I came up with is this. If my husband doesn't respect or love me enough to stop this destructive, downward spiral with the OP then why would she stop? He is showing her that it is okay to disrespect me, he is not dedicated to making his marriage work so why would she stop seeing him? She obviously had no problem being with him so now that she knows I know and he is STILL contacting her I'm sure she sees that as her having the power.

I don't see how she will ever get out of my life unless I leave and never look back or my husband has a near death experience that will force him to change his ways or she gets fed up with not being in his life the way she wants to be but the question is, would I want him by then? I don't want to be made to feel like the sloppy seconds, like the last 15 years of my life was chop liver, you know? 

Me and my children, we have two, should be the first and only choice, not the second choice because your first choice who should not have been a choice in the first place didn't want to be the second choice anymore. 

He did slip one day while we were having one of our many conversations and said the OP should be moving in June because her daughter was graduating and she said she would move back to the state she came from. Only time will tell.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

Oaksthorne, 

thank you for replying -- my husband does not work with her. And they have not spoken to each other since November - its been a frustrating process as I tend to over think things and focus on really minute issues regarding the affair. 

It does amaze me that people just do whatever they want regardless of the pain it will cause to others. I know in time I will be okay - I try very hard to redirect my thoughts during the day ... some days it is easier than others. Again, thank you! It is nice to have someone to talk to who can relate.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

lovehonorandcherish, 

Thank you for replying - it is nice to have someone to talk with who can understand the pain. My tears just stream down my face reading all of the replies to my posts. I just feel so alone - in the beginning i missed several days of work -- and i have lost about 40 lbs. He is living with us and has since November -- once he told me and we discussed it ... he honestly did feel quilty - he really thought I wanted out of our marriage. we have really good talks and very honest ones -- I just never thought I would ever have to deal with this with him. 

I have gone through the was she better, more attractive, more attentive, etc etc... i have felt anger, resentment, profound sadness, obession with her - although it was only twice - i constantly think of how they spent their time together -- i know he was unable to perform but then it only brings up the images of what he did then .. I have nightmares of her -- coming and laughing at me .. however these have lessoned a bit. i find myself needing to be near him constantly - i dont know if it is some sort of validation for us or that I need it for my sanity. 

thank you again --- I really appreciate your thoughts.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I get the obsessing, my husband doesn't, I think at least for women, it is completely normal.


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## lovehonorandcherish (Apr 23, 2011)

It is the total disbelief that your spouse would seek comfort in the arms of another for whatever reason. I remember asking my husband maybe three days after finding out, Why? What were you lacking? What actually made you take that step into adultry and he actually got frustrated and said "it was just sex, we were friends and it just got out of hand". My thing is, she claims they were together for three years and she has been trying to end it for awhile now, he says they were friends for that long and they slept together a couple of times prior to me finding out. I am confused because she is saying they still communicate, he says they're not, she's lying. This is why I am in limbo about leaving the marriage. He has lied previously so I don't know what to think. I don't want to make the wrong move and uproot my children and take them away from what they know for a jealous affair partner. I don't know if he really is telling me the truth this time and she is trying to put the nail in the coffin to have this marriage end because he is still with me or is he really still communicating with her because he is not ready to end it and she is trying to get me to just say screw it, I'm leaving because he is still in communication with her.


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