# He has no sex drive



## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Hey all,

I've been married to my husband for 3 years now and we have an almost non existent sex life. I can't pin point what exactly is the problem but I can take a stab at a few things. We have 2 small babies, he works 2 jobs, exhaustion and not to mention our marriage has been suffering due to his alcoholism. We are probably intimate about 3 times a month. :-( We are both 30 and I feel like I'm in my prime. I'm very sexual (well used to be) but I still have that passion and drive inside of me. His mojo is completely gone. The only time we ever have sex is when "HE" feels like doing it, which is very rare these days. I feel very neglected and lonely. I've shared my feelings with him, but he doesn't do anything about it. I've even considered talking to a sex therapist because of this. I feel intimacy not only physically but emotionally as well is very important to our marriage. 

Any suggestions on what I could do to get him to realize how important this is?


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Invisible - you mention alcoholism...does he have a bottle of wine a night and go to bed slightly 'sozzled' and wants to sleep or has he gone beyond that where he simply can't function without alcohol and starts drinking when he gets up?

Whilst it certainly isn't an excuse, I, as a male, can certainly understand how two jobs and two babies can kill sexual interest!

He might be thinking that the two babies are getting more 'interest' from you than he is...coupled with his 2 jobs and excess drinking.

However, he has a responsibility to himself and you and his children.
I know it might be hard, but you have BOTH got to make intimate time for each other. Even if it is just once a week, to start with.

My wife turned me away and it has had a long term negative effect on our marriage. Please don't do down the same route.

Talk to him...tell him how much you love him, tell him his lifestyle is ruining your marriage...tell him YOU will make more of an effort but that you want HIM to make the effort too. Takes two to tango!

See how you get on....if you dont get anywhere, maybe think about counselling.... Good luck!


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Hi 7737. He does not drink daily. He used to, however now he binge drinks. 

I've had many many talks with him about our sex life and how important it is that we MAKE the time for each other, but it's just not on his priority list. If he wanted to, he would. But he doesn't make any effort. It's gotten to the point where he becomes upset because he says my focus is always on sex. Well it kind of is, because I have needs and i'm supposed to go to my husband for these needs, but he's not taking care of my needs. So i'm really frustrated because now I find myself fantasizing about being with someone else or I catch myself reminiscing on past relationships where the sex was healthy and abundant. 
Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Ummmm....binge drinking...not good. Far better to have half a bottle of wine every day than nothing for 5 days then WHAM!

I'm just wondering why he isnt interested...especially when you say that you make the effort, come on to him etc and he rejects you.

Has there been a period in your marriage when you have consistently rejected him? 

Might there be other reasons why he has 'gone off' you? Is he having an affair? Might he have a medical problem? Diabetes? A self esteem issue?

You aren't having your needs met by him....so I'm not surprised your mind is wandering... It shows you are normal!

Its nice to 'meet' a women who realises just how important sex is in a marriage.....usually its the woman who goes off sex, not the man!
Hence my thoughts about a 'problem' elsewhere...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Invisible, 

7737 brings up important questions...What was your sex life like when you were dating and first married? How old are the babies? Are you on birth control now?

Your husband could be afriad of you having another baby. He could also be dealing with a physical problem like low testosterone (have his Dr check him) as well as being truly exhausted by 2 jobs. Is there anyway he can cut back on one of the jobs or at least work a few less hours or is money really tight?


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Toffer,

Our sex life was great in the beginning. But I think alcohol had a lot to do with that now that I'm looking back. I think the alcohol helped his sex drive. However, his alcohol abuse has become a huge problem so he's trying to stop drinking on a regular basis, but now only binge drinks. (that's a whole other issue). 

We have a 2 year old active boy and a 6 month old daughter. I carry more of the burden with the kids, while he works full time at an office job, while the other job he telecommutes and travels a lot for work, not to mention he is going to college a few nights a week as he has 1 year left to get his Bachelors. So the guy is a workaholic. Yes money is tight, so we do need the income. 

Without the intimacy in our marriage, I truly feel like we've become more like roommates rather than lovers. I do not feel desired and starting to feel like less of a woman. I've talked to him and expressed my feelings but it's obvious that he just "doesn't get it". 

I didn't think to have his testosterone levels checked. That's a good idea. Thank you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Hang in there!

Having such a young family, working 2 jobs AND going to school is enough to cause major stress for anyone!

It's good to see that at least with the school thing, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. 

While I know you're doing alot with the kids, is there anything else you maybe can do to de-stress him? How about a massage for 10 mins with no expectation of sex? Perhps tell him you'll rub his shoulders in bed until he falls asleep?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My vote is the drinking is the symptom of a much larger problem. He's drinking to cover up some sort of pain. And if he's so busy doing that AND working two jobs no wonder sex has gone to the back burner.

This is a very unhappy man.


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> My vote is the drinking is the symptom of a much larger problem. He's drinking to cover up some sort of pain.


9 years in the military taught him how to do it and do it well.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There is no such thing as too tired for sex.


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Apparently there is such a thing as too tired for sex, as I'm laying here in bed after a date night (dinner & movie) with my husband and conversation about how tonight we're going to "have sex" and now were laying in bed, NO SEX and he's snoring. I'm very sexually frustrated right now and it's brewing. I'm so angry but I refuse to beg my husband for sex! He is too tired to have sex with me and it's very sad!!! I'm beginning to really resent him. I feel like he just doesn't give a **** about my needs what so ever! I just don't know what to do anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a week does he work? And he's in school too? How many hours a week does he put into school?


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

He works 40 hours a week and goes to school two nights a week for 3 hours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OK that's 46 hours. He also has to study and do homework.

He's a young man and thus should have the energy to have a sex life.

Your idea of seeing a sex therapist is a good one as something will need to change here or your marriage is going to fall apart. You know this. He seems to be oblivious.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Can you "schedule" sex and build it up, and on date nights if that happens a lot, him falling asleep, do it before y'all go out, or even make sex the whole date if its that far and few between... I do think people can be just exhausted. I imagine him going to college is more than just the 6 hours he's in classes. But it sounds like y'all are drifting apart.. how is the sex when it does happen? All of what your H has going on is going to last at least a year. A lot of damage can be done in a year... He needs to learn to incorporate intimacy with his W and you with him. 

Just my thoughts


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

I think that something is going on. 3 times a month by the way is not so bad, but I would still say that something in your relationship is bothering him. In my experience, men (that are faithful) want more sex than that, no matter how much sleep they got last night. But I don't know much about alcoholism and how it affects him physicaly.

I would try to stop talking about sex at all and find out what's lying under the rug.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

invisibleme said:


> Apparently there is such a thing as too tired for sex, as I'm laying here in bed after a date night (dinner & movie) with my husband and conversation about how tonight we're going to "have sex" and now were laying in bed, NO SEX and he's snoring. I'm very sexually frustrated right now and it's brewing. I'm so angry but I refuse to beg my husband for sex! He is too tired to have sex with me and it's very sad!!! I'm beginning to really resent him. I feel like he just doesn't give a **** about my needs what so ever! I just don't know what to do anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you initiate sex often? Not conversation about it, or "scheduling" it, but just initiating it? And somewhere besides the bedroom? With my equally unmotivated lover, he never turns me down if we are on the couch and I start making the move on him. In the bed it's another story, he shoots me down all the time. Maybe he needs some spontaneity and the right motivation. He might get overwhelmed by constantly having to provide for everyone else.

And get him some treatment for the drinking problem, tell him it's for the kids, they don't need that exposure.


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## camihuml (Jul 23, 2012)

Oh, and don't wait til bedtime, he will be too tired and no longer able to get in the mood! Never, ever wait til bedtiime!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There is such a thing as too tired to be awake though. My blushing bride typically racks out around 8pm and stays out like a light until 11:30 at which time we watch Colbert for the first 20-25 mins. She's got what can only be described as sundowner. You see that with geriatric patients; it's predictable mood crash, anger, anxiety and increasing paranoia at the sun goes down, literally, in the evening and persisting all night if awake. So even were she in the least interested in sex, it would have to be before 8pm. Before around 6pm really since that's when the dinner hour cranks up. Well before 4 since she naps around then. I mean before 2 when she goes to the gym. Or possibly before 11:30 give or take when lunch happens. Or maybe before....well you get the point.


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