# newly married already sexually frustrated



## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

I got married to my husband 5 months ago. We have been dating for 3 years. While we were dating we decided to save sex for marriage because of our religious beliefs(i had sex with a previous partner he was a virgin). I am a very sexual women and was very excited to explore my sexuality with my husband but it seems that he is never interested in me sexually. When we first got married i was open when i wanted sex and made came on to him but after a month or so of that he told me that it makes him feel emasculated. He told me that he would rather come on to me. So i waited and waited and it never happened. So i confronted him about it and asked what was going on. He said he was just tired and wasnt in the mood. This really hurt my self esteem and now i feel like my husband isnt attracted to me. So we have had the same talk about 4 times a month about how i feel rejected sexually and how he feels pressured. He told me that now when he thinks about sex he thinks about all the problems and talks that were having in our sex life and it turns him off. Then i come back and say well if you would come on to me and make me feel wanted then i wouldnt find it neccisry to have these talks. I am getting very tired of the same argument and feeling down on my self. I have nobody to talk to because I moved across the country to be with my husband and left my family and friends behind. As much as i love my husband i know that i will never be okay with the amount of sex were having and i foresee this being a big problem in our marriage. I did not expect that a 22 year old man would stir up all these insecurities and problems. please help me


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Here's a strange question -- What kind of physical shape is your husband in? Is he overweight?

Does he exercise on a regular basis? Does he move around much at his job or does he sit at a desk? How about at home?

It sounds strange, but exercise can make a big difference in this area for men. If he does strength training and starts to build muscle, it will also naturally raise his testosterone levels. This can translate into being more interested in you sexually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Any chance this guy is gay or at least confused about his sexuality? He wouldn't be the first guy to feel pressured by religious or cultural beliefs to conform to a sexual relationship he isn't naturally inclined to.


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## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

i dont think so but how could i even tell. i brought it up once and he said he wasnt. but i think i am a fairly attractive person and he just doesnt seem attracted to me


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## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

well actually he is overweight. when we first started dating he was into sports and was in shape. one day he tore his acl, mcl, and pcl and had 2 knee surgeries. he has been putting on weight ever since. I try to get him to exersize and diet with me but hes always against it completely. Its like he thinks he cant because he may hurt himself.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Was he sexually interested in you before he gained weight? Has his sex drive ever appeared to be "normal" or was it always low?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How does he spend his discretionary time? If he could have a day to do whatever he wanted, with whomever he wanted, what would he choose?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

MGirl said:


> Was he sexually interested in you before he gained weight? Has his sex drive ever appeared to be "normal" or was it always low?


How would she know?

They "saved" themselves for marriage.


I`m willing to bet the problem is most likely a religious hang up.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

tacoma said:


> How would she know?
> 
> They "saved" themselves for marriage.
> 
> ...


Errr...my husband and I saved ourselves as well, but we both knew we had high drives...we could hardly keep our hands off each other. It all comes down to whether it was easy for him to wait or just damn near impossible that reveals his base-line sex drive.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Check porn. A lot of guys who wait for ahem, religious reasons masturbate to porn and surprise their new wives with no sex. Check the focus on the family board if you doubt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## relationshiproblem (May 11, 2011)

Its not that he is not interested. Maybe he got a different view of that. try talking to him?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You may need to consider an annulment or divorce.

Your husband has done a bait and switch on you for reasons he won't tell you about.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Admt3,
This isn't about his weight. It isn't about your attractiveness.
This is about a Massive Deception that he has committed against you and against the marriage.

You have valid grounds for annulment. 




admt3 said:


> I got married to my husband 5 months ago. We have been dating for 3 years. While we were dating we decided to save sex for marriage because of our religious beliefs(i had sex with a previous partner he was a virgin). I am a very sexual women and was very excited to explore my sexuality with my husband but it seems that he is never interested in me sexually. When we first got married i was open when i wanted sex and made came on to him but after a month or so of that he told me that it makes him feel emasculated. He told me that he would rather come on to me. So i waited and waited and it never happened. So i confronted him about it and asked what was going on. He said he was just tired and wasnt in the mood. This really hurt my self esteem and now i feel like my husband isnt attracted to me. So we have had the same talk about 4 times a month about how i feel rejected sexually and how he feels pressured. He told me that now when he thinks about sex he thinks about all the problems and talks that were having in our sex life and it turns him off. Then i come back and say well if you would come on to me and make me feel wanted then i wouldnt find it neccisry to have these talks. I am getting very tired of the same argument and feeling down on my self. I have nobody to talk to because I moved across the country to be with my husband and left my family and friends behind. As much as i love my husband i know that i will never be okay with the amount of sex were having and i foresee this being a big problem in our marriage. I did not expect that a 22 year old man would stir up all these insecurities and problems. please help me


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

I feel for you. I was sexually frustrated whilst still dating my husband, always having arguments about his lack of desire, all it lead to was me being frustrated and not wanting sex with him and then him cheating on me. Lack of desire = big red flag.

All I can tell you is it doesnt get any better, and this is after 12 years married to such a man. Do you want to stay that long frustrated? And you are still young I guess.

They end up finding other ways to get their sexual fulfillment away from their wife. Best wishes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Waaaaaaay back in the day, I was a pretty religious young guy and dated a religious young lady. Sex was not on the menu but I made full and frequent use of whatever was on the menu. Even if they were saving themselves for marriage, his sexual drive should have been pretty obvious.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

Just tossing out another idea -- Do you think he's intimidated by you? You mentioned that you are experienced and adventurous, where he has no prior experiences. 

He might feel that he is failing you or boring you when you spend that time together. 

A lot of guys would rather sit out than feel like they aren't winning at something. Maybe not in regards to sex, but in general.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

I agree with what was stated above. A 22 yr old virgin man should have been ready to pounce on you as soon as you said, "I do". If he wasn't, then there is a problem.


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## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

we werent sexually active when he was smaller


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

My guess is that he feels insecure because he was a virgin and you have experience. You are more sexually confident than he is and just as he says, he feels emasculated. So now he's afraid of initiating sex because he's not sure what to do (technique, moves) so he is avoiding it. And when you come on to him, it just reminds him that you have experience and he doesn't.

So how do you guys get beyond this? It is really HIS issue, not yours. He needs to get over his feelings of inadequacy and you need to hang back a bit, I think. I am wondering if it would help his ego and sense of mastery if you told him specifically what he has done to you sexually that you have liked. This might build up his ego. For example, you could say "When you touched me that way, it drove me crazy. You know just how to touch me." Or something similar. You could also share that you have some feelings of insecurity about sex and pleasing him. You could say "I want to make sure I am doing what you want me to be doing to you sexually. I sometimes worry that I'm not doing things right. The next time we do it, can you tell me if I'm doing it the right way?" This may help him to feel more on equal footing with you. I could also just be talking out of my a$$! 

If this doesn't improve, I would see a marriage counselor.


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## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

I am young. i am 20 years old and when we first started dating he was very sexually interested in me. I dont know if i have the problem and can fix it or if its something that he needs to work on. 
My husband is a senior in college so he has been stressed out because of exams and keeping his gpa up but hes been out for a few weeks now so i thought it would be better.


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## admt3 (May 10, 2011)

when we do have sex its amazing.


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