# Fantasies



## hubbyhere (Jun 22, 2010)

Well I have the same story as a lot of people on here. My sex drive is much higher than that of my wife. I am absolutely head over heels attracted to her, but we still only have sex maybe 2-3 times per month. I have lots and lots of different fantasies and have shared some of them with her, but when I ask her if she has any she says no. I just don't know how to get her to open up and loosen up or even if I can. I am 34 and she is 31 and we have been married 4 years. Any help, suggestions, ideas, magic potions (LOL) would be appreciated!!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

its your fault


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## hubbyhere (Jun 22, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> its your fault


Yep that is pretty much what I get from my wife. It is all my fault.


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## Sad_in_NY (Jun 23, 2010)

hubbyhere said:


> Well I have the same story as a lot of people on here. My sex drive is much higher than that of my wife. I am absolutely head over heels attracted to her, but we still only have sex maybe 2-3 times per month. I have lots and lots of different fantasies and have shared some of them with her, but when I ask her if she has any she says no. I just don't know how to get her to open up and loosen up or even if I can. I am 34 and she is 31 and we have been married 4 years. Any help, suggestions, ideas, magic potions (LOL) would be appreciated!!!



I think we may be married to the same woman! I wish I could offer some sound advice, but I cannot.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Hmm, sometimes people are vanilla hubby. In our relationship my wife is the one with all of the fantasies, etc. I just enjoy sex pretty much anyway I can get it. ;-)

We do though have a pretty active sexual life, we average about 2 - 3 times per week (we are both in our early 30's as well with 3 kids).

Have you both sat down and discussed your sex life? If yall did talk about it, what conclusions, suggestions were made from both sides on it?


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## hubbyhere (Jun 22, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Hmm, sometimes people are vanilla hubby. In our relationship my wife is the one with all of the fantasies, etc. I just enjoy sex pretty much anyway I can get it. ;-)
> 
> We do though have a pretty active sexual life, we average about 2 - 3 times per week (we are both in our early 30's as well with 3 kids).
> 
> Have you both sat down and discussed your sex life? If yall did talk about it, what conclusions, suggestions were made from both sides on it?


Crypsys I have tried to initiate some conversations and it is always comes down to the fact that I am just a typical guy that just wants to get laid. That is not it at all. I try to tell her that it is just her and that I am extremely attracted to her, but our sex life is completely dependent on her she initiates it because every time I try I get shot down. Hell maybe I need to change how I try to initiate it.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

hubbyhere said:


> Crypsys I have tried to initiate some conversations and it is always comes down to the fact that I am just a typical guy that just wants to get laid. That is not it at all. I try to tell her that it is just her and that I am extremely attracted to her, but our sex life is completely dependent on her she initiates it because every time I try I get shot down. Hell maybe I need to change how I try to initiate it.


Are you showing her the love she needs, the way she needs? Have both of yall taken the love languages test?

Many times we can not be giving our spouse the love they are needing even though we may think we are doing a good job. It's like offering someone a coke all of the time when they are really wanting tea. They will drink the coke, and can accept it. But, if you were start giving them tea, they would absolutely LOVE it. I know the love languages helped us with our intimacy quite a bit. I was showing her love how I wanted to be loved, but her needs were different then mine. Once we both took the tests, we started working on giving each other the love we needed (for her it was physical touch, for me it was acts of service). We have found our marriage grew leaps and bounds afterward.


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## hubbyhere (Jun 22, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> Are you showing her the love she needs, the way she needs? Have both of yall taken the love languages test?
> 
> Many times we can not be giving our spouse the love they are needing even though we may think we are doing a good job. It's like offering someone a coke all of the time when they are really wanting tea. They will drink the coke, and can accept it. But, if you were start giving them tea, they would absolutely LOVE it. I know the love languages helped us with our intimacy quite a bit. I was showing her love how I wanted to be loved, but her needs were different then mine. Once we both took the tests, we started working on giving each other the love we needed (for her it was physical touch, for me it was acts of service). We have found our marriage grew leaps and bounds afterward.


I will definitely try that. Thanks a lot.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Maybe she doesn't have any fantasies. Not everyone does. Especially if she has a low sex drive. But if you two end up getting sexually closer, she may develop some. That could be a fun thing to do, help her come up with one. But I'm just saying that she could be telling you the truth about no fantasies.


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## Allen153 (Jul 13, 2010)

My wife and I have been married 36 years, which we were married at a very young age and her sex drive has never been at my level. They say opposites attracts, well I can say this does happen. As years gone by she has had times of higher sex drives. What goes on in your life somethings changes, once our kids left home her sex drive rose some. We have talked about threesome MFM during foreplay since she hasn't ever been with another man and my fantasy is watch her for the first time. I have offered her the opportunity for this fantasy to become reality but she is reluctant now saying she is to old and weight is a problem. At 52 you're not to old or she isn't overweight at all and a very attractive lady. I feel she believes other men will not want her sexually. I have thought about setting up a meeting with another man at a bar or night club for a drink without her knowledge just to see where this might go. She is kinda a flirt with men, loves to talk with them and be the center of conversation. I just don't know if I should do this or not?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Take the long view, if you can. Many of us have our sexual ideas ingrained from our society and upbringing. It is very hard to change that overnight.

When I met my husband and we were dating, we had plenty of sex. But it was pretty vanilla. I did not even like oral. I was raised Catholic and had pretty specific ideas of what sex an marriage was all about.

Over the years, been married now for 16, he never ever pressured me to do anything. He also never ever rolled over like a puppy and accept MY view of sex as right or normal. What he did was talk to me.

I used think porn was offensive and a violation of his desire and commitment to me. He simply did not agree. He would try to explain his PoV. I would angrily demand he get rid of it. He would hide it. I would find it. Fights would ensue. He would say that while it was wrong for him to hide it from me which amounts to a lie, it was wrong of me to insist upon only MY version of sexual commitment, disregarding conversation about his.

So we began examining the issue of what porn meant to him. We read some of it together. I explained my objection to some of the stuff that was violence. He agreed immediately that that was not good and would no longer be in his repertoire. I explained that I was scared when he looked at women who were so perfect, thin, airbrushed. It had a negative effect on my self esteem. He explained to me that I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him. He understood perfectly well that these images weren't really women. They were biochemical stimulator for his brain and unit. Did he sometimes "wish" to be with them? Sure. But what is a wish but a fantasy. Did I fantasize? What do I fantasize? Do I feel that that lessens my love for HIM? 

(He also told me that if I had self esteem issues about my body, that was MY job and not his to fix. Not everyone would have this go over all that well.)

Do you see how the conversation evolved? This conversation happened over years. And it brought up many other conversations. Trust was built that he really did love me above all others, desired ME. I learned a lot about how differently people can view things. He used to joke, "We are having a Venus Mars moment here!" The open and honest conversation, though risky, brought us closer and closer together. Years and years of open and honest conversation. 

I also read Passionate Marriage by Schnarck that helped a lot. This is a really good team read. 


Fast forward 16 years. He calls me his lady in the street and his freak in the bed. Yes I am 42. But what a wild ride! Would he have loved to have anal and oral up the wazzoo when he was younger? Pleather? Probably. But I will bet my last dollar that he would not trade this ride for all the early gratification in the world.

For ME things like playing dress up were easier to begin with than say anal. I could dress up as a school girl and the biggest risk was feeling a fool. And I did. I felt like a complete fool. But when his eyes lit up like the luckiest and happiest man in the world, and he was looking at ME! 

Also all along he understood MY PoV. He never copped a what is the big ****ing deal about putting on a different kind of skirt. He realized that I was making an effort for him. I don't know if he ever had to fake it, but he never ever laughed or made me feel foolish. He only ever regarded my attempts with love and enthusiasm. 

I hope that helps.

S


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## Allen153 (Jul 13, 2010)

Vthomeschoolmom, I'm going to get the book "Passionate Marriage" that might help in the difference of view on sex and what goes on in the bedroom. I wish my wife would role play. She claims she doesn't have fantasies but I believe she does but does not want to talk to me about them. I'm very open with sex with her what I like or dis-like. I believe her weight is the biggest problem which she isn't that heavy at all. She doesn't feel comfortable in the light nude. So what do I do to make changes?:


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