# So unhappy!



## Kayla (Jul 4, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and I'm getting tired. The things my husband has done to me in this marriage is really making me consider seeing someone else. Not because I want to but because I feel that he is pushing me into another man's arms (specifically my ex).

We have been married for 5 years now and he has been unemployed for 4. I was in a relationship before I met him and we had a child together. Things didn't work out with him and I, so I desperately wanted to get married to give a family to my son. I don't regret my decision but the way he treats me makes me want to just walk away from everything. But I am trying my hardest not to give into temptation and have an affair because that would be detrimental. 

He is addicted to pornography and ignores me. He cyberchats online with other women. He gets extremely angry when I approach him about it and denys it. In the beginning of our marriage, I found an email that he sent to his ex-girlfriend that said he really wanted to marry to her and that he missed her. This hurt me so deeply. I thought that I had finally found the man of my dreams not knowing he didn't feel the same way. 5 years have gone by and we are still in the same place. I desperately want to leave but I am scared because he has been in my son's life for 5 years now and I am not sure how he will take it. I feel so stuck. My life is a complete mess! Why does this continue to happen to me?


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## viggling (Apr 27, 2012)

you think your son doesent know you two are having problems?? sounds like you have do something and i would either go to a MC or maybe a trial seperation both paths wont be easy but you cant stay where your at now ..


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Kayla said:


> My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and I'm getting tired. The things my husband has done to me in this marriage is really making me consider seeing someone else. Not because I want to but because I feel that he is pushing me into another man's arms (specifically my ex).
> 
> We have been married for 5 years now and he has been unemployed for 4. I was in a relationship before I met him and we had a child together. Things didn't work out with him and I, so I desperately wanted to get married to give a family to my son. I don't regret my decision but the way he treats me makes me want to just walk away from everything. *But I am trying my hardest not to give into temptation and have an affair because that would be detrimental. *
> 
> He is addicted to pornography and ignores me. He cyberchats online with other women. He gets extremely angry when I approach him about it and denys it. In the beginning of our marriage, I found an email that he sent to his ex-girlfriend that said he really wanted to marry to her and that he missed her. This hurt me so deeply. I thought that I had finally found the man of my dreams not knowing he didn't feel the same way. 5 years have gone by and we are still in the same place. I desperately want to leave but I am scared because he has been in my son's life for 5 years now and I am not sure how he will take it. I feel so stuck. My life is a complete mess! Why does this continue to happen to me?


If you were to have an affair it will only make things worse. Understand the consequences of having an affair... The self sympathy that you have for yourself will be replaced with guilt and remorse. Even though at the moment, your husband is the person at fault, you will top his score by having an affair. It will not be good for you, the husband, the kid or your marriage in any way.

Whether or not you can work it out with your husband, only you can tell. However I would strongly advice you to first leave him and then look around for options if you have to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are better off leaving him soon so that it's not 10 years or more that he's in your son's life. You son is leaving that this is the way a man treats his wife. He is learning that he does not need to work to support his family.. he can let a woman do it all... while he jacks off to porn.

Do not cheat while you are married. It will only lead to you hating yourself. Kick him out, get a divorce and then go on with your life.

Why does this keep happening to you? You do not have good boundaries. You do not set strong boundaries that keep creeps from getting too close to you. Create a set of rules and live by them.

"I do not date/marry men who do not have a job, a savings account, a car, etc". This is not gold digging. This is looking for a responsible man.

"I do not date/marry men who use porn excessively."

"I do not date/marry men who are still trying to get back with their ex's."

"I do not.... {add to the list}".

What are the things that bothered you about your ex and your husband? What did you see in them when you dated and ignored that has now become a big problem? Add those things to your boundary list... that you will not allow that in your life. You will not date a man who does these things.

Als make a list of what you want in a man.

Then use that as your guide to dating.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

EleGirl is right on the money. Your thought processes and priorities have been leading you in the wrong direction, and if you start cheating then you're letting them lead you even further down a path to unhappiness. 

Imagine this scenario: Your husband finds out about the affair, and uses the information against you to your son. You may not realize he's doing it for some time. You can really open up more than you intend to when you start complicating an already complicated situation. 

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I think you've got many issues that are affecting your life and your child's, but with some educated assistance, you could find yourself in a much better place before the NEXT five years go by!


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Kayla said:


> the way he treats me makes me want to just walk away from everything.


Actually, I'd like some clarification on that. How _does_ he treat you? You mentioned he ignores you. What else?

And while you're at it, how do you treat him?

And finally, how do you think HE thinks you treat him?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Actually, I was a little concerned over why she married him "so I desperately wanted to get married to give a family to my son"

This is also a huge issue for you. Did you ever actually love the guy or did you just want the ring? Could it be possible that he knows or senses this from the way you treat him?

You obviously resent him on many levels and I suspect that him not working in the last 4 years is a huge issue for you. However, you do not go into any details surrounding this issue so it's hard to say what's going on. I have friends and relatives who have been out of work for almost as long that I know have tried almost everything to get a job and it's killing them! 

You got involved with this man for your son and now are afraid to leave for the same reason. 

While it doesn't sound like a good marriage, have you tried anything to make it better like counseling for the both of you?

If he refuses to go, you definitely need some individual counseling


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like a unhealthy mess. present him with separation papers ASAP so you and your son can go on with your lives. Next time, do NOT get married just to provide a family for your son. Thats not a reason at all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kayla said:


> Why does this continue to happen to me?


Because you have low self esteem and you think that the only way you can be happy is if some guy 'chooses' you. So you pick User guys who know you're a Giver and they continue to Use.

Let's see if I get this right:
YOU pay the bills.
YOU handle the housework.
YOU raise your son.
YOU sit by while your H abuses you with websites and other women and don't kick him out.
YOU think that ANY guy is better than NO guy for your son, so you keep this loser around...teaching your son the exact same low expectations and teaching him to be a User just like his 'dad.'


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Kayla said:


> Why does this continue to happen to me?


I'll give you a hard dose of reality:

1. You had a baby with someone from an unstable position (lack of discipline).
2. Your solution to a bad situation was a hurried, rushed, decision (marrying because you were pregnant)
3. You don't regret that mistake, which sounds like you don't understand why it was a bad idea.
4. Your husband is having an EA on you and yet you stick around out of fear (lack of self-respect)
5. Instead of taking responsibility for your mistakes and lack of proper decision making, you blameshift to your husband claiming that he is "pushing you to your ex's arms."

No one is pushing you to make a bad decision, you have the choice with how you will react to a bad situation. Your husband cheating on you is not an excuse for you to lower your integrity.

Until you own up to the mistakes you made, and then take active steps to correcting them, you will continue to find yourself in bad situations.

Start by gaining some self-respect. The fact that your husband is cheating on you and yet you are not kicking him out shows that you have little worth for yourself. You can not be in a healthy relationship where you do not value yourself. If you get back with your ex, expect the same patterns to emerge from that relationship (there's a reason he's an ex).


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## uzername (May 1, 2012)

I think one of you should go stay with a friend for a while (at least a month). It will help both of you realize what you want. Do not worry too much about your son. Kids are stronger than we give them credit for. Besides, your son knows mom & dad are not happy. It might actually give him some relief from the stress, too. 

Take time to think about what you want from your life - time goes so quickly! Don't spend another day wondering 'what if'... take some time for yourself (and your son) and figure out what YOU need.


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## Hank567 (Apr 23, 2012)

COguy said:


> I'll give you a hard dose of reality:
> Instead of taking responsibility for your mistakes and lack of proper decision making, you blameshift to your husband claiming that he is "pushing you to your ex's arms."


+1 on that. You have a choice here, and having an affair with your ex is one that will have much larger repercussions. Take care of yourself first, and don't compound the situation by involving a third party.

Have you guys tried counseling?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your number one problem is LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

WHY do you ALWAYS NEED a man? You were unhappy with your son's father, so you left him for this guy. Now you're unhappy with this guy, and you want to leave him for your 'ex.' BIG MISTAKE! Whatever it WAS about the 'ex' that made you leave him is STILL GOING TO BE THERE. Only NOW you will have even less tolerance for whatever it was than you had the last time you were with him.

STAND UP ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET AND BE A WOMAN. BE AN ADULT. Quit looking for a man to be your crutch, you don't need one. You should NEVER have a man in your life because you "NEED" him, you should have him in your life because you "WANT" him. Because he complements your life (and your son's.) Because you enjoy having him there, BUT you could certainly be just fine WITHOUT him.

* Don't have an affair. It's stupid, it's selfish, it's short-term 'make me feel good' thinking instead of long-term 'what is in the best interest of my son and myself' thinking.

* Get into Individual Counseling. Find out how to fix YOU. If you don't fix you, you will continue to have these unsatisfying relationships one-after-another...all the while dragging your son through the infinite number of messes you create.

* Don't be afraid to separate from your husband if that is what your counseling leads you to. YOU are the breadwinner for you and your son; and you have done it successfully for the last 4 years. As 'turnera' pointed out:


> YOU pay the bills. YOU handle the housework. YOU raise your son.


 You've ALREADY BEEN DOING IT for the last 4 years, but you haven't given yourself the CREDIT for doing it. You don't NEED a man to make it. You're doing just fine so far for you and your son.

You will have MANY opportunities to find APPROPRIATE male role models for your son. Don't settle for just anybody because just anybody may model behavior for your son that YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO HAVE as a grown man.

Get into IC. Get into IC. Get into IC. Get into IC. Only with a CLEAR MIND and thoughful goals will you EVER make better choices and a better life for you and your son.


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