# Wife Slowly, But Surely Hurting US



## Savagecinemainc (Oct 12, 2011)

Its sad to say but i do love my wife with all my heart, but she is the cruelest & self-centered person i know...& after all these years i have trouble stomaching it anymore....

Everything is either negative, hateful, spiteful, or plain ****ty that comes out her mouth..

How to best deal with this? I have brought it up to her several times....she honestly believes nothing is wrong and it is.....and starting to get serious


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## loverforlife (Oct 18, 2011)

All I can say is pray because I am at wits end with mines. I am going to an emergency counseling session tomorrow. I just dont think I can take it any longer. It seems like a game to me. A serious game...and my mental and emotional health are being impacted...


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I've been that way before, and it was the result of feeling unloved and neglected. If she's crabby and negative about everything in general she's probably just as unhappy as you are, although for different reasons. Maybe try sitting down with her and saying you've noticed how unhappy she is, and that you sincerely care/want to know what you can do to help - and see if she will talk.. Be careful not to criticize, explain away or dismiss ANYTHING she says, no matter your view on it... The point is to show you care and want to listen. This usually softens women and enables them to open up. Be gentle and kind and if anything at all, at least the attempt was made. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## loverforlife (Oct 18, 2011)

Hey YinPrincess, I have tried all of the above with mines and I always end up frustrated...this is a hard situation. Thank GOd for this forum and all of this support...


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## Savagecinemainc (Oct 12, 2011)

Been trying as of late to work it out and she responds she doesnt care and its a waste of her time...As said in another reply my sanity and emotional level cant even take it...I cant sleep and its weighing in on my health as well...I love her, but feel like im married to a 12yr old with no understanding of love or communication....and if i give up i feel as if ive let her down...really mixed emotions, as i dont wanna make a wrong decision but after 7 yrs when doesn the time to grow up and deal come into effect...im 30 now and dont wanna loose my whole life waiting


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Why do you guys let your wives treat you like that?

Walk away and tell her when she calms down she can talk to you calmly.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In the book of Romans, Paul says a Deacon's wife shouldn't be a "slanderer". The original Greek text uses the word Diablos (devil). I heard a preacher say that Satan uses the words of spiteful, critical Christians to get into places he can't reach. Our words are very powerful and can be tools for good or evil. My wife has a very critical mother and my wife naturally tends to follow that path. 
I pointed out the above to her and also pointed out how frustrated God must feel to hear her frequent grumbling after He's blessed us so. I pointed out that we are both exactly where He wants us because it suits His purposes. We don't need to understand why things are the way they are but just to trust that He knows what He's doing.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Has your wife always been this way? Or is this something new? 

Maybe she has some deep rooted issues like a mental disorder you know nothing about? Or maybe she has some resentment about something that you know nothing about. 

Either way, you might be the one who needs to seek some help. Go to a counselor tell them what you have told us, see if they can help shed some light. Hard to say what might be going on with her. Could be anything.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

I have posted this list in the forum before but I think I need to post it again. It sounds as if your wife is verbally/emotionally abusive. Here are to signs (from an author and expert in this area) You may not have all of these but if you have several then you are in an abusive relationship. 

Signs that your partner is abusive are. . . .


ignore your feelings? 
- disrespect you? 
- ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, 
or that you have no sense of humor? 
- ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage 
or class? 
- withhold approval, appreciation or affection? 
- give you the silent treatment? 
- walk away without answering you? 
- criticize you, call you names, yell at you? 
- humiliate you privately or in public? 
- roll his or her eyes when you talk? 
- give you a hard time about socializing with your 
friends or family? 
- make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even 
when you don't feel well? 
- seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly 
what you won't get? 
- tell you you are too sensitive? 
- hurt you especially when you are down? 
- seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you? 
- have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good 
to bad for no apparent reason? 
- present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked 
by outsiders? 
- "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said 
against you? 
- try to control decisions, money, even the way you style 
your hair or wear your clothes? 
- complain about how badly you treat him or her? 
- threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out? 
- say things that make you feel good, but do things 
that make you feel bad? 
- ever left you stranded? 
- ever threaten to hurt you or your family? 
- ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"? 
- seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be 
getting closer to each other? 
- abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object? 
- compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize 
you enough to keep you insecure? 
- promise to never do something hurtful again? 
- harass you about imagined affairs? 
- manipulate you with lies and contradictions? 
- destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances? 
- drive like a road-rage junkie? 
- act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors? 
- question your every move and motive, somehow questioning 
your competence? 
- interrupt you; hear but not really listen? 
- make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, 
damned if you don't? 
- use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse 
then? 
- incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to 
blame? 
- try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are 
"wrong?" 
- frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you 
of misunderstanding? 
- treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should 
be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely. 
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when 
and how to say something. 
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your 
partner to emerge. 
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe. 
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about 
your relationship. 
You hope things will change...especially through your 
love and understanding. 
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of 
reality. 
You doubt your own judgment. 
You doubt your abilities. 
You feel vulnerable and insecure. 
You are becoming increasingly depressed. 
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. 
You have been or are afraid of your partner. 
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.


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## Savagecinemainc (Oct 12, 2011)

She has been like this for years...i guess i hope IT changes and i always believe it iwll

the below is 95% true in my marriage



ignore your feelings?
- disrespect you?
- ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke,
or that you have no sense of humor?
- ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage
or class?
- withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
- give you the silent treatment?
- walk away without answering you?
- criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
- humiliate you privately or in public?
- roll his or her eyes when you talk?
- give you a hard time about socializing with your
friends or family?
- make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even
when you don't feel well?
- seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly
what you won't get?
- tell you you are too sensitive?
- hurt you especially when you are down?
- seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
- have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good
to bad for no apparent reason?
- present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked
by outsiders?
- "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said
against you?
- try to control decisions, money, even the way you style
your hair or wear your clothes?
- complain about how badly you treat him or her?
- threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
- say things that make you feel good, but do things
that make you feel bad?
- ever left you stranded?
- ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
- ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
- seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be
getting closer to each other?
- abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
- compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize
you enough to keep you insecure?
- promise to never do something hurtful again?
- harass you about imagined affairs?
- manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
- destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
- drive like a road-rage junkie?
- act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
- question your every move and motive, somehow questioning
your competence?
- interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
- make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do,
damned if you don't?
- use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse
then?
- incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to
blame?
- try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are
"wrong?"
- frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you
of misunderstanding?
- treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should
be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when
and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your
partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about
your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your
love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of
reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

"She has been like this for years...i guess i hope IT changes and i always believe it iwll"

Its not likely to change, without some kind of therapy. First you all need to find out exactly what is going on with her, before you can really know how to handle it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Great list Sadie. Describes how my ex husband was to a tee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Savage ~

YOU have control over how you react to these situations with your wife. Calmly, coolly, and confidently tell your wife "When you can speak to me respectfully, we can talk" and then walk away. You can also deflect with humor. But, in all cases, you should be the one who stays cool and confident.

You may want to cruise over to the Men's Clubhouse sub-forum and read the yellow sticky thread at the top, paying particular attention to the thread entitled "Fitness Testing".

Best wishes.


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## Savagecinemainc (Oct 12, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Savage ~
> 
> YOU have control over how you react to these situations with your wife. Calmly, coolly, and confidently tell your wife "When you can speak to me respectfully, we can talk" and then walk away. You can also deflect with humor. But, in all cases, you should be the one who stays cool and confident.
> 
> ...


Tried the humor...and the being calm and waiting..i've finally resorted to giving up...I figure at some point i hope something will give...id like to have a healthy norm relationship, but guess that wasnt on my bucket list


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Savagecinemainc said:


> Tried the humor...and the being calm and waiting..i've finally resorted to giving up...I figure at some point i hope something will give...id like to have a healthy norm relationship, but guess that wasnt on my bucket list


And don't let any person tell you that all women are nuts and it's part of being married. A man should expect peace at home and I wish more men would demand this as a requirement, not optional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Savagecinemainc said:


> Tried the humor...and the being calm and waiting..i've finally resorted to giving up...I figure at some point i hope something will give...id like to have a healthy norm relationship, but guess that wasnt on my bucket list


Does your wife not see what she is doing, or does she SAY she does not see what she is doing? There is a big difference.

When you are advised to try humor, what this really means is to make sure you never show your wife that her poor treatment of you means anything to you. What you have to do is stop tolerating being berated.

In your original post you say you love your wife but she is cruel. That is your main problem. She is wondering why you would love her when she is cruel. She does not respect someone who thinks like that. Would you?


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Savagecinemainc said:


> Its sad to say but i do love my wife with all my heart, but she is the cruelest & self-centered person i know...& after all these years i have trouble stomaching it anymore....
> 
> Everything is either negative, hateful, spiteful, or plain ****ty that comes out her mouth..
> 
> How to best deal with this? I have brought it up to her several times....she honestly believes nothing is wrong and it is.....and starting to get serious



I would suggest something along these lines.

“We all have choices to make every day; we chose to make our life/marriage as good or as bad as we wish. We can chose to be negative, nasty, rude, and demeaning. 

But when we do this, exactly what is the benefit to our lives? Who are we hurting other than ourselves? Why would we choose to make our lives miserable by dwelling on negative unloving behaviors and actions? Why would we/you not chose to be kind, appreciative, mutually respecting, and fulfilling each other’s needs for happiness?

Why would you not chose to look at the good things we have together, chose to focus on what is good in life, good in our marriage, chose to put the same effort/energy into creating good and happiness in place of negative misery for both of us? 

Do you enjoy being unhappy? If so, that’s fine. But only interact with me when you can be positive.”

Then simply mean what you say. If she is negative, ignore her. When she is positive, interact with her in the same positive manner. No exceptions.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Savagecinemainc said:


> Tried the humor...and the being calm and waiting..i've finally resorted to giving up...I figure at some point i hope something will give...id like to have a healthy norm relationship, but guess that wasnt on my bucket list


I've seen more than my share of what you describe (and worse). And I did what you are doing and for sure, the whole thing blew up in my face.

By giving up you play your part in the mutual destruction of your marriage. If that's what you want, other contributors have given you more than enough excuse to walk away now and save a lot of future grief. If that's not what you want then instead of giving up you must engage. At the very least, it is your responsibility to respond to all her hurtful words by explaining unambiguously that you are hurt by what she is saying. Don't threaten, don't give ultimatums, and above all, don't ask why. Just explain in a direct manner that you are hurt and ask her to please quit. If she responds by being hurtful again, just repeat again that you are hurt. Do this consistently and your relationship will change, hopefully for the better


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