# Where should I put nursery?



## damsel

We live in a house, 3 bedrooms, one living room and an undone basement.
We have been planning to do the basement but it's just taking forever.
My mother in law and brother in law live with us occupying the 2 bedrooms.

I am 5 weeks pregnant. I really really wish my BIL would move away, 
But that's impossible since he doesn't work and just being a parasite to us.

We were planning to create a family room in the basement, 
But I think I have to let go off that idea and put my BIL there instead.
Then use the room for the nursery.
The newborn might sleep with us for awhile
But I don't think we have space for changing table and her/his stuff.
Even right now I share closet with my husband.

When I was pregnant last year (ended up m/c), my husband wanted to put nursery in basement,
And we're on the 2nd level. I got upset with that.

What do you guys think?


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## BarelyThere

You don't want to be trudging up and down stairs fifty times in the middle of the night. I think the BIL should go down there. Leave it unfinished. Make him less comfy in his cozy den of lazy parasitism and maybe he'll get the idea.

Another option might be to move your bedroom downstairs with the baby so you can be together. It is much easier being close by for the newborn months so you can spend less time traveling and more time sleeping.

In any case, you should choose what you think is best and make your house guests rearrange themselves based on that. Your child and your needs/wants should come first.


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## Mavash.

I think your immediate family should come first and BIL needs to go but that's just me.

But since you say that's impossible then I vote you pick what works best for YOU and the guests will just have to deal with it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I never had a nursery for my babies. My daughter I had a real nice stroller that had a carriage mode. I put a sheepskin in that and used it for her day cot. I could push her around the house where ever I needed to be. Kitchen, bathroom, etc. She slept with me. For changing I had one of these. Shower Baby - Diaper Changing Table, Changing Table, Dressing Table, Baby Bath and Natural Diaper Rash Prevention and Treatment Plus just a changing mat I could use anywhere, if someone was in the bathroom or for travel. For my son I had a baby hammock. Amby Baby Hammocks: World It turned out he had a spinal problem so this ended up intuitively being the best kind of place for him to sleep. He loved it. You can rock them and the baby learns how to make it rock themselves. It's easy to set up anywhere, I took it traveling even. You can use it outside and there's mosquito netting for it. I always kept my babies with me. So a nursery would be useless. I could never get why people think it's healthy to put a newborn/infant/toddler apart from everyone else. No other primate does this. Only deer and mammals that need to hunt for food leave their babies somewhere hidden and alone for a while. Humans need to be close to other humans when they're young. If you have safety concerns about co-sleeping due to height of the bed, put the mattress on the floor and store your frame for a couple years.


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## EleGirl

How old is your BIL and why is he not working?


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## 827Aug

Your baby needs a quiet room of its own from day one. The basement, although quiet, will be inconvenient for you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

It's always interesting to hear perspectives on the need for a nursery. I had my first baby in third world Asia. I would elaborate but it speaks for itself. I was in a communal living situation the first two months of his life, and traveling on top of that.


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## Thundarr

damsel said:


> I am 5 weeks pregnant. I really really wish my BIL would move away,
> But that's impossible since he doesn't work and just being a parasite to us.


Controlling who lives in your home is impossible? Not if you pay the rent or morgage. Anyway, you choose to allow your MIL and BIL to stay. MIL makes sense but not BIL.

Regarding the nursery, pick whereever you think is the best place and if MIL or BIL need to change rooms then they change rooms. A basinet in the room works for a few months pretty well but it's not long term.

Again damsel, there are very few statements I read on TAM which I disagree with more than the "impossible" sentence.


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## Bellavista

My babies always had to sleep in the same room as me while they were waking for feeds at night because I simply would not wake up if they were elsewhere. Number 5 had to sleep in our room for ages because we had nowhere else for her. The entire time she was in a porta-cot, never a timber cot (or crib).

Definately putting the baby in the basement is not the best option. I agree with Barely There, put BIL in the basement & let him live there unfinished or finish it himself.


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## Anonymous07

damsel said:


> We live in a house, 3 bedrooms, one living room and an undone basement.
> We have been planning to do the basement but it's just taking forever.
> My mother in law and brother in law live with us occupying the 2 bedrooms.
> 
> I am 5 weeks pregnant. I really really wish my BIL would move away,
> But that's impossible since he doesn't work and just being a parasite to us.
> 
> We were planning to create a family room in the basement,
> But I think I have to let go off that idea and put my BIL there instead.
> Then use the room for the nursery.
> The newborn might sleep with us for awhile
> But I don't think we have space for changing table and her/his stuff.
> Even right now I share closet with my husband.
> 
> When I was pregnant last year (ended up m/c), my husband wanted to put nursery in basement,
> And we're on the 2nd level. I got upset with that.
> 
> What do you guys think?


Your family comes first and you and your husband should both decide where to put the baby. Your BIL and MIL, will just have to deal with what ever decision you make. It is your house, so if you don't want your BIL there, talk to your husband about giving him a timeline to get out of your place. 

If I were you, I'd put the BIL in the basement, but make sure he knows there is timeline that he has to get a job and get out. Then have the nursery in the room next to the master bedroom. The baby really does not need a whole lot in the beginning, so I wouldn't go overboard with the nursery, but just having the basics would be good.


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## Anonymous07

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> It's always interesting to hear perspectives on the need for a nursery. I had my first baby in third world Asia. I would elaborate but it speaks for itself. I was in a communal living situation the first two months of his life, and traveling on top of that.


I'm in a one bedroom apartment and we're just putting the crib in our room and a changing pad on top of the low dresser we have. Don't really need a huge amount of things for a tiny baby. Then we'll be moving to a bigger place when the baby is a little older.


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## Bellavista

You can even get those porta-cots (you guys call them cribs) that have a bassinett attachment for the top as well as a change table section for the top.
We lived in a 3 bed house when our 5th child in 9 years was born, there was no space for her, she had a porta-cot in various corners until she was old enough to go into a bed.
You can bathe a baby in a bit of water in a full size bath with a thing they can lie in or on or a decent size kitchen sink, no need for a baby bath on a stand either.
I do understand though, for a first baby, you want all of the pretty things & all of the fancy gadgets. The only things I really splashed out on money wise were prams & for my 3rd and worst baby, an automatic swing.


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## BarelyThere

Bellavista said:


> The only things I really splashed out on money wise were prams & for my 3rd and worst baby, an automatic swing.


Those swings are a godsend! I don't know how we propagated the species before those swings were invented. Seriously.

As for necessities, I've never had a changing table. I just lay them on our bed with a towel underneath for any oopses. Cheaper and one less thing to dust.


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## southern wife

I would never put my baby in the basement, finished or unfinished. The nursery needs to be near your bedroom for more convenience for you.


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## damsel

EleGirl said:


> How old is your BIL and why is he not working?


He's 26. He wants to be a race car driver and that's all what he wants to do. He told me, "if Lewis Hamilton can do it, why can't I?"

Why he's not working? Maybe he's depressed. He sleeps late until 2 pm, eats junk food when nobody's around, when his mom is around he would abuse her emotionally (I get traumatized from when he yelled to her "@$$hole"), he asked to get paid $150 when we ask him to shovel the snow, he plays racing video games and told us he's racing, he would ask us why do soccer players get frustrated when they missed a goal yet he screams around in his room watching football, he gets mad whenever he's running out of milk, I can go on..


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## damsel

Thundarr said:


> Controlling who lives in your home is impossible?


Legally, I have the right to this house since I am the "wife". I used to help pay mortgage but not anymore since the MIL and BIL moved in and MIL is able to help. My income isn't that high, I am trying to save up and paying for my car too.

It seems like my husband and MIL are afraid of BIL. I nagged my husband a lot to ask BIL to change (get a job, be a little useful), he says "we have to be patient with this guy, what if he decides to kill himself?"

I said, "I've done that once and I am not scared to do it again".

Timeline.. well I am actually the one who gives my husband a timeline.. I said I am going to leave if he doesn't change. I haven't really given an exact time yet. 

And me, I hate to have to talk to them about this myself. I hate confrontation and most of the time I end up crying when I'm faced with it, or end up with a big anxiety and wanting to kill myself.

What I'm thinking is BIL and MIL and FIL (who lives overseas, and no they're not divorced) just go in the basement when the baby is born. I will use current BIL's room for nursery and MIL's room for my family (they also live overseas).


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## damsel

I also talked to my husband about leaving basement undone and he won't do it. First he just laughed at the idea but then he said he still wants to do the drywall and the flooring


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## Thundarr

damsel said:


> He's 26. He wants to be a race car driver and that's all what he wants to do. He told me, "if Lewis Hamilton can do it, why can't I?"
> 
> Why he's not working? Maybe he's depressed. He sleeps late until 2 pm, eats junk food when nobody's around, when his mom is around he would abuse her emotionally (I get traumatized from when he yelled to her "@$$hole"), he asked to get paid $150 when we ask him to shovel the snow, he plays racing video games and told us he's racing, he would ask us why do soccer players get frustrated when they missed a goal yet he screams around in his room watching football, he gets mad whenever he's running out of milk, I can go on..


Read what James Lehman says about adult children living at home. We (I) can't explain how to deal with this child better than he does. It helped me figure things out when my middle son was 20 and still at home. He's doing very well now and not living with us 

In Response to Questions about Older Children and Teens Living at Home


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## kindi

Tell the BIL the basement is his and he can finish it himself or live in it the way it is.

He's certainly got the time available.


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## EnjoliWoman

BIL in basement (or kick out - time to grow up - use tough love)

Baby in other bedroom. I had my baby in my room and in my bed for a while. Eventually she needed space of her own. No need for it to be quiet though. Babies need to be used to noise!


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## Wiltshireman

EnjoliWoman said:


> BIL in basement (or kick out - time to grow up - use tough love)
> 
> Baby in other bedroom. I had my baby in my room and in my bed for a while. Eventually she needed space of her own. No need for it to be quiet though. Babies need to be used to noise!


I have to agree with that.
Tell the BIL he has 7 months to get the basement fit for himself to live in as the baby will be needing the room he has been allowed to use thuse far. If needs be get your husband to help / motivate him (a swift kick up the backside if it was me). You should not have to be worrying about the arrangments the BIL should be greatfull for the hospitality you have shown him and I would have thought that your MIL would be able to point him in the right direction.


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## damsel

Thundarr said:


> Read what James Lehman says about adult children living at home. We (I) can't explain how to deal with this child better than he does. It helped me figure things out when my middle son was 20 and still at home. He's doing very well now and not living with us
> 
> In Response to Questions about Older Children and Teens Living at Home


Thank you for this, my husband said he would show MIL this, we'll see. 



kindi said:


> Tell the BIL the basement is his and he can finish it himself or live in it the way it is.
> 
> He's certainly got the time available.


I think that is what I will do when husband comes home. He is out of town for work and one day I'm just gonna drop the bomb in front of all of them, "I'm pregnant and bro you've gotta move out of your room, you have 7 months to do the basement since half of it will be your room". 



EnjoliWoman said:


> BIL in basement (or kick out - time to grow up - use tough love)


How do I kick him out? 



Wiltshireman said:


> I have to agree with that.
> Tell the BIL he has 7 months to get the basement fit for himself to live in as the baby will be needing the room he has been allowed to use thuse far. If needs be get your husband to help / motivate him (a swift kick up the backside if it was me). You should not have to be worrying about the arrangments the BIL should be greatfull for the hospitality you have shown him and I would have thought that your MIL would be able to point him in the right direction.


My MIL is crazy, she doesn't like her children being away from her. She hated me at first, thinking that I'd take her child (my husband away from her). She'd do anything to keep BIL with her all the time.


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## damsel

Question: if I try to enforce some rules and he verbally abuses me, can I call some legal thing? Or even do a restraining order?


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