# How to move on?



## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

Wow, where to start in all this?

I have been in a relationship with my wife for 14 years and married for 8 (our anniversary would be tomorrow). We have a 2.5 year old boy and she's 6 months preggo.

About a year after my son was born, I was finally able to realize and discover I have been (or rather not) dealing with depression for about as long as I can remember. For those that are familiar with it, it's a terrible state to live your life in. Wanting my son to have a better life than me, I finally talked to someone in mental health and started to learn how to deal with it and improve my life and happiness. After about 5 months of drugs and therapy I started to feel a lot better about myself and my outlook on life; things were looking up for the better. Not wanting to admit to myself that I was dealing with a mental illness and talking drugs daily (I hate taking aspirins for headaches) I took myself off the rehab as I was feeling great. 

The summer went by and I could start to feel tensions build with my wife (finances, child rearing - small things to me that felt could be worked out). I also started to notice the old feelings of depression starting to sink back in - doubt, low self-esteem, round and round thought patterns. By early winter I had caught myself fully relapsing - 

I realized that I needed help again and sought out aid for the depression. About a week or so later I was then hit with the bomb that wife no longer loved me, had no more energy to put into the relationship and wanted a separation/divorce. I lost my **** and ended up in psych ward for a week. I felt lost and hopeless in all areas of my life. I also found out that my partner was a month pregnant and wanted to keep the child.

I was asked to move out for a 3 month separation in Jan. She also wanted me to sign an agreement. I found I couldn't/didn't want to do that as I felt she had been calling all the shots and I basically had to do what she wanted. I stayed at the new place for about a month, but wanting to visit my son after work, I found myself staying back at the old house and sleeping in the spare bedroom downstairs. I love my little guy! He's the raddest little dude in the world! Things seemed amicable enough and wife said she felt "hopeful". I guess being naive and hopeful I was clinging onto any crumb of hope out there.

In the meantime, I worked on my depression (how to handle it, what triggers it, how it affects my life and family). I started to feel really good again and how my depression was causing me to pull away from my family and the world. I felt good after 3 months and really looked forward to engaging with my family and life again.

Which leads me to the end of the 3 months. I asked here "where do we go from here?". She said here feelings hadn't really changed and that she still wants to proceed with the separation/divorce. I feel shattered, however, not super surprised that this is her answer. She is very stuck in her decision. I've asked about seeing a marriage coach/counsellor and she informed me she's been seeking help for about 4 months and has been prepared for this for some time. She also comes from a family that divorces (mom, dad, stepdad, sisters (X2)) when there are marital problems. I was raised in a family that stuck together and figured out their ****. 

I guess I feel let down and betrayed. It seems like marriage vows are just a lip service that don't really mean much once the BIG day is over. I thought it was for "better or for worse". I guess when it's worse it's more like "well, screw you cuz you're actually on your own".

The other kicker is this unborn child. I felt really excited and connected to my first kid. We were stoked to be having our first and I could see her belly getting bigger everyday sleeping in the same bed. This kid? I feel a total disconnect and no real excitement like I did the first time. I guess I had a mental picture of "family" that I need to let go of and realize that we are now a "modern day nuclear family".

I'm not sure what to do or how to proceed from here. I'm losing my wife (best buddy), my house and my everyday relationship with my kid(s). It just feels really ****ed up. Sorry to rant and whine to you all.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

What a hard situation.

It must be really difficult to be married to someone with depression. That combined with a family history of divorce, it is not surprising your wife chose this course.

All I can say is stay the course with your meds and therapy. Stay as healthy as possible and be there for your kids. It is still the early days and you never know what will happen. However, that doesn't mean you should live your life thinking you will get back together. Focus on you, stay active and don't let the depression get the better of you. The best thing you can do now is present the reality of a vital, healthy man who takes on the world.


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## BRB (Mar 16, 2011)

So sorry you're going through this. I do commend you for getting help and dealing with your depression. Take care of yourself.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Definitely keep taking care of yourself.
With that said, if you're looking for an answer regarding how to move on I'd start with shedding the victim mentality, which certainly could be the depression talking, and really look at your role in this. Based on your struggles with depression I'd bet most of this marriage was about you and your needs, and you give your wife no credit for what it must have been like for her to deal with it. Nobody betrayed anyone; you haven't indicated she's cheated, she just got to a point where she couldn't deal with it anymore. It happens; dealing with a depressed person can be soul sucking. It would've been nice if she could but she can't. As far as your family sticking together, that's admirable but certainly doesn't mean they're happy, and if your wife doesn't love you why would you want to stay married to her? There's nothing worse then being married to someone that doesn't love you; this I know from experience.

Please please please don't take this out on the baby, you're holding the baby accountable for issues between you and your wife. That says a lot right there.

Continue with your treatment and perhaps you'll think a little more clearly. Please remember that depressed men who end up in psych wards aren't attractive; men who take responsibility for their health and stand up are very attractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## scottaj74 (Dec 1, 2013)

Was feeling pretty low this morning, glad I found this as it made my day. Thought I'd pass it on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J1eAfpekWgQ


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## Piggy (Apr 24, 2014)

Take good care of yourself.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She sounds quite determined. As painful as it is, you can't force her to love you, or for her to want to try to save the marriage. That is something she has to want to do freely. 

The next few years are going to be a very hard road. Hopefully you can find a place close by to spend as much time as possible with your children. Your children are your biggest blessing in life. Never lose sight of that.

In time you hopefully will find a loving partner, who has the same 'for better or worse' attitude that you have. In the meanwhile don't beg or plead, just make it clear that you are willing to try counseling but can't force it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

get the depression under control now

she will bring it up in court, bet the farm

how was your STBX's childhood like?

how were you treated when you were and were not on

your prescribed meds? work on yourself and take care of

your rad son and upcoming child. 

How was the M before the first child came along?

below is a helpful link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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