# Good life..but unhappy



## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

My wife and I are in a dilemma, She's very unhappy with her life.
Every morning we wake up and go running. I practically have to drag her out of bed to get her to
come along. Her mood becomes better as we warm up and by the end she's much happier. I try to
make it fun with interval sprints.

Afterwards I go to work and she goes to university. She's a high achiever, in her final year of her
medical sciences degree. Given her grades, she'll most likely be eligible for entry in her phD. She
also hates studying. I need to constantly be on top of her to get everything done. She hates how I
push her constantly.

I also have my own work. On top of that I have to constantly butt heads with her to make sure she
doesn't self-sabotage. She's always complaining and it honestly makes me sad with what I'm doing
with my life. I want her to be happy. I really do. But I don't think I'll want someone who's lazy to be
the mother of my children. If she's so upset about these things (she also hates cooking and cleaning
despite my mum doing most of the work) then how will she fare as a mother?

The way I see it, if she's going to be lazy it'll make me immeasurably miserable. If we stay together
and continue as is, she'll be unhappy.

If we part ways, it'll hurt her a lot. I did briefly suggest something remotely in this regards and she
broke down. I don't know what to do


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

I think you are absolutely wrong and dangerous to be with. Your wife clearly suffers from depression and you call her lazy. You have no clue what lazy means. Being unhappy has nothing to do with being.
Lazy people are happy and not unhappy. 
Do you get the difference???

It is unbelievable that in 21 century people like you still call depressed people lazy.

You drag her out of the bad because she doesn't feel well and you call her lazy???

You are npt helping her you are pushing her towards suicide. You think you are clever and can force your wife to be happy by stressing her?

She is a high achiever. High achiever osn't something positove if the person isn't happy. It means that what she is doing isn't doing her any good.

Everyone is different. You obviously don't suffer from depression and have a lot of energy and you obvioisly look down on any person who isn't living up ro your standards. That makes you a dangerous partner for a voulnerable person like your wife seems to be.
She obviously clings to you because she feels she won't make it on her own. But instead of being a strong shoulder she can lean on and rest when she feels weak you push her to stand up and run around.

If you want to help her talk to her about burn out and seeking councelling. In stead of dragging her out of the bed, bool a long holliday for her to take a lomg break. Afterwards she can get councelling to get to the roots of her depression.

I am not going into your concerns about her skills being a mother. You are obviously looking for a machine and not a human partner.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Hi elliblue,

My wife is not lazy. Perhaps that was a poor use of language. 

Exercise is good for the body and mind. In stressful situations, research has shown this to be a great mood elevator which I've already mentioned in my OP. I'll look into booking a holiday. That sounds like a good suggestion. However, it'll be after she graduates. 

Thank you for the suggestion.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Not to mention that you are still living with your mother. That explains why you have such weird standards for your wife. Do you think your mother was or is perfect? Do you want your wife to be a 'super human' like your mummy?
Is your mummy telling you your wife is lazy and should do more? 

Stop being a mummys boy and stop pushing your wife. She isn't a horse.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

I don't live with my mother. She lives with me, along with my family. I don't think my mum pushes her too much. Most of the work is done by mum. She does teach my wife all of the necessary domestic duties.

No one is telling my wife to do more.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Hi elliblue,
> 
> My wife is not lazy. Perhaps that was a poor use of language.
> 
> ...


Not for everyone. Everyone is different. Some peopkes metabolism benefits from exercise. The pain and stress relises endorphines in those peoole. But that doesn't apply to every human.
And if a human being is already exhausted sport is just enhancing the exhaustion. 
Sport is stress at the first place. The immun system for example drops after excersices for a few ours and makes people voulnerable to catch an infection. Just for you to see that excercise isn't just positive. It has long term benefits, but the moment it is done it is high stress to the organism.
But some peoples body is therefore releasing emdorphines to cover the bad effect from the stress and those people feel happy for a while afterwards. But this happiness is just a side effect and no sign that the peeson is healed from his or her depression. If a person is already exhausted, stressed or depressed it all comes back like a boomerang once endorphine levels drop again.

A healthy person can handle that stress and will benefit from exercise.

But for a sick person the stress will be dangerous.
This applies also to depressions. Exercise isn't a allround medication. To whom it is helpful or not needs to be carefully considered. 

It is as of you are telling a person with a flue to go excercising because excercises are good.
And I know idiots who do that.

Stop trying to medicate your wife. Encourage her to seak professional help. No one struggles getting out of the bed in the morning for fun. It is a sign that the peeaon has depression.


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> I don't live with my mother. She lives with me, along with my family. I don't think my mum pushes her too much. Most of the work is done by mum. She does teach my wife all of the necessary domestic duties.
> 
> No one is telling my wife to do more.


Well, excise my harsh words. But you really need to start learning about depression. You don't want ro come bakc home one day finding out your wife has killed herself. I am really concerned from what you are describing about your wife. She seriously needs help.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Well, excise my harsh words. But you really need to start learning about depression. You don't want ro come bakc home one day finding out your wife has killed herself. I am really concerned from what you are describing about your wife. She seriously needs help.


Nobody is trying to hurt themselves. I appreciate your concern but we're talking about some complaining, not saying their life has no meaning or something to that effect. I appreciate the holiday advice. I'll look into that. See what happens.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Hi elliblue,
> 
> My wife is not lazy. Perhaps that was a poor use of language.
> 
> ...


It appears to me that you seem to know what is good for your wife, but how about using psychology and delving into what she actually needs to make her happy.
The problem with many people is they are not good listeners with easy fix responses and in your case you`re perceiving the situation through your eyes and ignoring how your wife really feels within herself.
Your wife is not complaining, you are misconstruing frustration and depression as complaining, in other words she is pissed off and you should try to find out why.
You did say; I did briefly suggest something remotely about parting ways and she broke down. That was a cruel thing to do and you sound like a moron.
Why don`t you sit down with your wife one evening when you are both alone and have time, your arm around her, and let your wife vent her feelings to you without interruption and make it all about her without you giving words of wisdom or advising what she should do and what you believe is in her best interests taking into consideration you`re her husband not her dad.
Ask your wife if it could be something you are doing or not doing that is making her unhappy and the general situation as a whole.
You do appear to be one of those arrogant guys who thinks they know it all with lack of emotion, things have to be done your way and no one can tell you what to do believing you know better.
If you truly want to change things for the better, than first you have to change a lot about yourself.
Think about it.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> Why don`t you sit down with your wife one evening when you are both alone and have time, your arm around her, and let your wife vent her feelings to you without interruption and make it all about her without you giving words of wisdom or advising what she should do and what you believe is in her best interests taking into consideration you`re her husband not her dad.
> 
> If you truly want to change things for the better, than first you have to change a lot about yourself.
> Think about it.


You're mistaken. I do listen, a lot. Most of our weekends are filled with her complaining non stop. I don't even know if she knows I changed jobs at the start of the year because she never asked. 

Further proof of being a good listener is If I wasn't concerned, and was a "know it all", I wouldn't be here asking for advice.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> You're mistaken. I do listen, a lot. Most of our weekends are filled with her complaining non stop. I don't even know if she knows I changed jobs at the start of the year because she never asked.
> 
> Further proof of being a good listener is If I wasn't concerned, and was a "know it all", I wouldn't be here asking for advice.


I`ve given you advice and explained in detail, but it seems not the advice you prefer to hear and go on the defence when people do give advice that goes against the grain with you, which means you are not listening and confirms what I said in my previous post.
Your wife needs intimacy and affection, not criticism.
Good luck.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

As a high achiever (I’m female), I’d really struggle with another older female in my home doing all the housework. I like to feel needed.

I come from a culture where sometimes my mil lives with us, and sometimes I’ve lived in her home. Both of us can suffer when we suddenly can’t be doing housework because another woman is there doing it. It has left me feeling redundant. So what you and everyone can see as lazy, or ‘she doesn’t have to do anything’ might not feel that way for her?


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

gameopoly5 said:


> I`ve given you advice and explained in detail, but it seems not the advice you prefer to hear and go on the defence when people do give advice that goes against the grain with you, which means you are not listening and confirms what I said in my previous post.
> Your wife needs intimacy and affection, not criticism.
> Good luck.


You said I don’t listen which is objectively not true. Also you don’t need to worry about our intimacy and affection. Thanks


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> As a high achiever (I’m female), I’d really struggle with another older female in my home doing all the housework. I like to feel needed.
> 
> I come from a culture where sometimes my mil lives with us, and sometimes I’ve lived in her home. Both of us can suffer when we suddenly can’t be doing housework because another woman is there doing it. It has left me feeling redundant. So what you and everyone can see as lazy, or ‘she doesn’t have to do anything’ might not feel that way for her?


I’ve never thought the problem was not doing enough. Now that I think about it, she does spend quite a lot of time on social media. I’ll see if there’s something that can be done in this regards. Thanks


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

You need to *stop trying to change your wife*.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> My wife and I are in a dilemma, She's very unhappy with her life.
> *Every morning we wake up and go running. I practically have to drag her out of bed*
> 
> .........Afterwards I go to work and she goes to university. She's a high achiever..... She also hates studying. *I need to constantly be on top of her to get everything done*. *She hates how I push her constantly.*
> ...





Candycaneishealthy said:


> I don't live with my mother. She lives with me, along with my family. I don't think my mum pushes her too much. Most of the work is done by mum. *She does teach my wife all of the necessary domestic duties.*
> 
> No one is telling my wife to do more.





Candycaneishealthy said:


> You're mistaken. *I do listen,* a lot. *Most of our weekends are filled with her complaining non stop*. *I don't even know if she knows I changed jobs* at the start of the year because she never asked.
> 
> Further proof of being a good listener is If I wasn't concerned, and was a "know it all", I wouldn't be here *asking for advice.*


In your opening post you talk about your dragging her out of bed to get her to go running. You also talked about your needing to get on her so she does her studying and keeping her from self-sabotaging. It also sounds like your mother is living in the same house as your wife.

You are asking for advice. Perhaps she finds that you do help motivate her to do what she needs and wants to do. On the other hand, you could also be acting more like a "father" than a husband.

Some women complain that they are effectively a single mom and live with their biological children and a child they married. I am sure you don't want that kind of relationship in reverse with your wife.

Your mother instructing her on "domestic duties" raises all kinds of "red flags" in terms of your relationship with your wife. My wife would never stand for such a thing and I would never allow my mother to do so. I chose my wife for who she is, not for who I want to change or want my mother to change her to be. You might speak to your mother an let her know that your wife is a grown woman. It is nice she is helping with the cooking and cleaning, but I sense that part of the issues might be how your wife feels about living with your mother in the house doing things in your mother's way as opposed to her own way.

Divorce is something that should never be threatened and not discussed lightly. Obviously, your marriage has some issues. She felt threatened by your comment regarding divorce. The whole living arrangement is probably quite threatening for her.

You might want to sit down with your wife and ask her about her goals in life. What does she want to do after graduation? What does she want her life to be like in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, 20 years? What does she want her marriage to be like or include in 5 years, 10 years, 15 years, etc.?

I would also point out that there is a difference between listening and understanding what the other person is feeling and trying to communicate to you.

Unless your wife really wants you directing her life, monitoring her progress, having (or allowing) your mother to instruct her on domestic duties, she may be finding her marriage overwhelming and controlling. One of the hard lesions I learned in my 51 years of marriage is that I cannot force my wife to change. Only she can change herself and then only if she wants to. You might want to contemplate if you are trying to change your wife.

I wish you luck.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Leave her alone to find what makes herself happy! That’s not for you to decide! Give the gal a much needed break! Why does she have to consider a PHD if she hates doing the school work she’s doing now?
Push push push - I’d be unhappy too if I were married to someone who did nothing but push me to do better/more. In fact, I’d be making that person my ex husband!
Your wife doesn’t need you pushing her - let her have some time to herself!
And a vacation - maybe by herself.
You do you. Let her do her needs.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old are you two?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

In Absentia said:


> How old are you two?


The first good response. Whew.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, your W's actions do not make her automatically depressed. In her last year of medical sciences degree and likely PhD studies following she may be frazzled a bit but aren't all full time med students or students getting a serious degree of kind. 

Perhaps stop spending so much time directing her, let her do things or not do things on her own. And the positives or negatives are hers to deal with, and as a couple you both can team up addressing challenges. 

It sounds like you two are at different stages in life and a bit out of synch but that happens, let her be, a bit, and see how she does. 

Ages, how long married, kids?

It sounds like right now you two may have different priorities. That's ok, for now, as long as you two have the same longer term goals in life. 
Have you graduated University?


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you Indian by chance? Is this arranged? I’d be depressed if my in-laws lived with me. I run, but I’d kick my husbands ass if he thought he could boss me around. This is a cringe worthy dynamic


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@Candycaneishealthy When I read your OP my first reaction was that you are treating her like you would treat a teenage child, pushing them to be better.

I understand you have both have dreams of who you will become and certain steps are needed to get there. But I don’t think you doing all the work is the right way to achieve this. As you can see now it leads to your frustration.

The other downside is that your wife never has to do the work to attain her goals. You’re playing the role of a safety net, which actually hurt her in the future. She needs to make decisions and follow through on her own, with you acting as support, not rescue.

I suggest you back off. Let her sleep in if she doesn’t want to get up. Don’t push her to do the school work. If she fails, it will be by her own hand. 

But the dream comes true if she succeeds by her own hand.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> My wife and I are in a dilemma, She's very unhappy with her life.
> Every morning we wake up and go running. I practically have to drag her out of bed to get her to
> come along. Her mood becomes better as we warm up and by the end she's much happier. I try to
> make it fun with interval sprints.
> ...


After reading this my take is your wife is unhappy because of you. She's about to start a Phd and you and your mother treat her like a child.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Perhaps stop spending so much time directing her, let her do things or not do things on her own. And the positives or negatives are hers to deal with, and as a couple you both can team up addressing challenges.


This.

My wife isn’t fond of working out, especially something hard like intervals. She prefers walking. So I do whatever workouts I want to do in the morning then I go on a walk with her in the evening. I don’t try to force her to do 20-10s on a fan bike because I think it would be beneficial for her.

I understand that feeling someone is lazy is a turn off, but is she actually lazy?

Think about if the situation was reversed and she was on you about doing stuff.

The last lady who did that to me was my mom.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> You are asking for advice. Perhaps she finds that you do help motivate her to do what she needs and wants to do. On the other hand, you could also be acting more like a "father" than a husband.
> 
> 
> I wish you luck.


Thank you for your response. It is very insightful. I will chew on this and try to implement where possible. 

I am curious though, what’s wrong with being a leader and guiding your teammate?


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> How old are you two?


Early 20s and 30s


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> You need to *stop trying to change your wife*.


Not trying to change anyone. Where did I say that?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

If you’re this unhappy with who you’ve married (it honestly sounds like you didn’t know her before, and you’re disappointed in who she is) then the best plan is to divorce before children come into the mix. Better now than later. You don’t seem to like or respect her at all, you talk about her as though she were a lazy teenager instead of a partner in life. No one wants to constantly be treated with such disrespect, no wonder she is unhappy. The two of you sound very poorly matched.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Ages, how long married, kids?
> 
> It sounds like right now you two may have different priorities. That's ok, for now, as long as you two have the same longer term goals in life.
> Have you graduated University?


Thank you for your response. After finishing her degree, we might take a break from the study.

Married for almost 4 years. 
No kids


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

ccpowerslave said:


> I understand that feeling someone is lazy is a turn off, but is she actually lazy?
> 
> Think about if the situation was reversed and she was on you about doing stuff.
> 
> The last lady who did that to me was my mom.


No not lazy. I don’t push her to my level. She has her own program.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thank you for your response. After finishing her degree, we might take a break from the study.
> 
> Married for almost 4 years.
> No kids


Have you graduated University?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> I’ve never thought the problem was not doing enough. Now that I think about it, she does spend quite a lot of time on social media. I’ll see if there’s something that can be done in this regards. Thanks


Can you answer what it is she can do without your approval or meddling? What freedoms does she have?

Everyone here is pointing out the obvious, and you keep responding that it's not true, but your words show the opposite.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> If you’re this unhappy with who you’ve married (it honestly sounds like you didn’t know her before, and you’re disappointed in who she is) then the best plan is to divorce before children come into the mix. Better now than later. You don’t seem to like or respect her at all, you talk about her as though she were a lazy teenager instead of a partner in life. No one wants to constantly be treated with such disrespect, no wonder she is unhappy. The two of you sound very poorly matched.


You don’t know how to read.

You offend me so this is your response.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Have you graduated University?


Yes


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thank you for your response. It is very insightful. I will chew on this and try to implement where possible.
> 
> I am curious though, what’s wrong with being a leader and guiding your teammate?


You aren't being a leader. You are being a dictator or daddy.

Leaders lead by example. Leaders listen. Leaders encourage growth but never demand it. 

What you are doing it likely to turn off any woman, make them sad and wish they hadn't married you.

I can completely understand why she is unhappy. I'd set your counter... I predict about 1-2 years after she attains doctor or her 'final' degree she'll be done and divorce.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> You don’t know how to read.
> 
> You offend me so this is your response.


Funny, since my response is no different from anyone else’s. Apparently no one knows how to read.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Male here. You need to get off of her case in all ways. You can't and should not try to change who someone is. I also suspect you are Indian?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have a totally different view. But you haven’t answered many questions OP.

You said your family lives with you. Who all lives with you?
You were asked if this was an arranged marriage... is it? What culture are you and what country do you live?

I think you are helping your wife by encouraging her to get up and exercise. That alone is the best medicine for depression (if she even has that).

You said she was lazy. Compared to you, she very well may be lazy. There’s nothing wrong with being a leader and encourager.

My thoughts are that your wife just isn’t up to your level in many ways. You can’t understand why she doesn’t want to exercise, why she has to be encouraged to study, why she’s unhappy——/ because you aren’t her.

What kind of PhD is SHE wanting, and what Career is she thinking about?

Yiur mom in the home teaching her about domestic duties—— sounds great, but FEW mother-in-law’s are capable of teaching and not bird dogging and making your wife feel uncomfortable and smothered and inadequate. If your mom is that rare gem that could, bravo. But it’s hugely doubtful.

My good friend is an expert mechanic. I’ve seen him go through countless helpers because he can’t understand why a job that takes him an hour, takes them 6 hours. It’s because he’s done it 25 times to their one. He has no perspective. I think that’s your problem with your wife. SHE is not a high achiever, YOU are a high achiever—— and want her to be. She may not be. And she’s unhappy because she feels she will never measure up to your or your mom or your Family’s expectations.

Do we get to know your level of education or career path? If I had to guess I’d say an engineer or physician.

I think there is a very fine line between leading/encouraging and pushing/ overwhelming a person. Do you think you’re the former or latter? Nobody knows but you and your wife. To westerners like myself, having your mom live in the home instructing your wife sounds like a possible bad situation.

Any answers to questions?


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## Loves Coffee (4 mo ago)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> I am curious though, what’s wrong with being a leader and guiding your teammate?


There's nothing wrong with it if it's either 1) something she specifically asked for from you or 2) something that you do that leads by example and not forced upon her.

I think the issue is here that you have a wrong idea of what being a leader of a household is. It does not involve setting their schedules or social media viewing allowance. Being a leader is bringing a positive role model by controlling your own self, encouragement, love, support, and more. Can you tell the difference? 

I suggest spending less time looking into how you can improve her and pick up some books to improve yourself in terms of how to be a good husband. Then some time in the future when she compliments you and say something like "wow I've seen a change in you and like it" that she said without you asking for it, then you can possibly start to help her, but by that time you might try to help her by supporting her weaknesses by lending a helping hand instead of dictation.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Maybe she just wants to get fat and sit on the couch eating cheese puffs and watching Dr Phil. Don't crush her dreams.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Early 20s and 30s


Maybe the age gap is your problem? You seem to want different things in life. I don't have suggestions. Maybe you can resolve your apparent incompatibility. I guess you'll find out after she graduates, with the choices you will want to make for the future.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> The way I see it, if she's going to be lazy it'll make me immeasurably miserable.


That's a very troubling and selfish statement. Marriage is teamwork. IMO, the proper response would be "if she's going to be lazy, I need to find a way to help her" . Your wife should come first, not you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> That's a very troubling and selfish statement. Marriage is teamwork. IMO, the proper response would be "if she's going to be lazy, I need to find a way to help her" . Your wife should come first, not you.


Disagree. She's an adult. An adult shouldn't need another adult to help her not be lazy. A husband shouldn't need to "help" his wife not be lazy, that's ridiculous. If she's lazy she is choosing to be lazy and that's not going to change unless she decides to not be lazy. Sounds like it's a core personality trait of hers and you need to decide if you want to stay married to that.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> That's a very troubling and selfish statement. Marriage is teamwork.* IMO, the proper response would be "if she's going to be lazy, I need to find a way to help her" .* Your wife should come first, not you.


Are you related to anyone nicknamed Brandon? Asking for a friend.

Anyway, I respectfully disagree.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Disagree. She's an adult. An adult shouldn't need another adult to help her not be lazy. A husband shouldn't need to "help" his wife not be lazy, that's ridiculous. If she's lazy she is choosing to be lazy and that's not going to change unless she decides to not be lazy. Sounds like it's a core personality trait of hers and you need to decide if you want to stay married to that.


I was referring to the fact he was putting himself first. Not a good trait in a marriage, lazy wife or not.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

To me it sounds like you are attempting to control / direct her behavior into what you want it to be, and it sounds like you are frustrated that you have to keep managing it and she doesn't just do it on her own.

Long term, you can only control your own actions, you can't control hers. She will resent that type of behavior... anyone would.

If uncontrolled, she isn't the person you want her to be, then she is not the right fit for you. (there are billions of other women in the world by the way).

I would suggest that you take a week or so where you have one rule:

You don't tell her what to do, period, nothing at all that could be construed as instructional.

See what she does or doesn't do... you need to see her for what she is on her own... not the person who follows your orders.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Candycaneishealthy said:



She does teach my wife all of the necessary domestic duties.

Click to expand...

*Sounds to me like your wife is going to be the top earner in your family.

Maybe mummy should be teaching YOU all the "necessary domestic duties." Or is your wife expected to bring home the bacon, cook it, serve it to you and clean up afterwards?

Unreal.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I think it’s kind of impressive that he’s able to get his wife trained by his own mother. I’m taking notes, hoping maybe OP will be my mentor..... bravo sir!🤓😋


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## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> My wife and I are in a dilemma, She's very unhappy with her life.
> Every morning we wake up and go running. I practically have to drag her out of bed to get her to
> come along. Her mood becomes better as we warm up and by the end she's much happier. I try to
> make it fun with interval sprints.
> ...


They say you can't change people unless they want to change themselves. And I've found that to be largely true.

You sound like a person who is hardworking and highly disciplined, while your wife lacks self-discipline.

Hoping that she will change and even dragging her along to prove to herself that what you want her to participate in is actually beneficial to both of you sounds like it isn't working. And that worries you, because you need a partner, not a child. And that is a completely reasonable need.

It's not your job to complete an incomplete child-rearing process, because that turns you into the parent and creates resentment in her. And she may even act out in spite. Lots of people are here because of the end result of resentment, even if it's unwarranted resentment of their partner for wanting them to be a freaking adult instead of a child.

But, in a way she is also trying to trap and perhaps train you into accepting this situation. That's the fear of "hurting her" - but she has been hurting you all along and will continue to do so if you allow her to.

I would tell her that you can't be her parent, that she needs to be an equal partner, and that those are basic and reasonable needs to avoid building a wall of resentment - on both sides. If she doesn't want to be an equal partner, you can't force or coax her to want to be. In that case, you have to let her go so that you avoid wasting your life struggling against someone rowing in the wrong direction.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am still getting a chuckle out of “I try to make it fun with interval sprints”....,.
lmao

this guy has married a person that just isn’t at his level of fitness goals, or personal goals.

OP there’s nothing wrong with you, but you and your wife may simply be incompatible.

Running every morning? I wish I had that level of self discipline! I admire that, but don’t know if I could do it.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I am still getting a chuckle out of “I try to make it fun with interval sprints”....,.
> lmao


TAM needs a wall of fame where gems like this can be kept in one place. That was pretty funny... spoken like a true runner...


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

Listen mate, it is not your job to make your wife happy. Never was and never will be. Do you understand? Happiness is a choice. It is not a gift that someone gives you, it is not something you can get or earn or receive. Happiness is a choice a person has to make for himself/herself every... single... day: to be content with who and where you are in that specific moment in life. If you think you can make her happy, you are setting yourself up to fail again and again. If she expects you to make her happy, she will be eternally disappointed. 

It is the ultimate in arrogance to think you can make others happy. You can be kind, courteous, loving, generous and helpful. Those are actions that can "facilitate" another person's choice to be happy, but if they do not accept and take advantage of those gifts then all is wasted by the person giving them. You are throwing those gifts in the toilet.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Not trying to change anyone. Where did I say that?


Sorry if I misunderstood. It was stuff like the following that led me to think you were trying to change her:


Candycaneishealthy said:


> I practically have to drag her out of bed to get her to come along.





Candycaneishealthy said:


> I need to constantly be on top of her to get everything done. She hates how I push her constantly.





Candycaneishealthy said:


> I have to constantly butt heads with her to make sure she doesn't self-sabotage.


So I'd ask, is that approach working? If not, I suggest you change it.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SCDad01 said:


> I was referring to the fact he was putting himself first. Not a good trait in a marriage, lazy wife or not.


It's healthy to have boundaries. I don't think It's cool the way he hounds her, but I wouldn't want that kind of lazy spouse, either.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thank you for your response. After finishing her degree, we might take a break from the study.
> 
> Married for almost 4 years.
> No kids


What do you mean “we” might take a break from the study?? This makes me wonder if the degree she is pursuing is what she wanted or a degree someone talked her in to? Is she doing what she wants (education wise)??


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

It does come off a bit patronizing. You hope the person you're with brings out the best in you but if you are turning into a nagging Dad, that isn't a good look. And she probably isn't learning any coping skills on how to adult if you're essentially nagging her into being a functional adult. I get that sometimes our partners need encouragement but what you're describing isn't that. Try giving her some space to make her own choices. That means you also accepting that what she does might not be what you would do. That doesn't mean she is wrong. It means you're different individuals. You wouldn't appreciate it if she was on you all the time to relax, sleep in or learn some work life balance. Try and reach a middle ground.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thank you for your response. It is very insightful. I will chew on this and try to implement where possible.
> 
> *I am curious though, what’s wrong with being a leader and guiding your teammate?*





Candycaneishealthy said:


> *Not trying to change anyone.* Where did I say that?


You asked a question about "*being a leader and guiding your teammate*."

Let's examine that for a moment. Team implies more than one person who have a mutually agreed upon set of goals. Hopefully, you and your wife had a set of mutually agreed upon goals when you married. My question for you is if you and your wife actually have agreed upon the things that you believe you are leading her on and "how" you are providing such "leadership."

Before we do that, let me suggest that you read two books in the near future. The first is David Schnarch's book the Crucible. The second book is his awful book, The Passionate Marriage. This second book is absolutely a horrible read. It is harder than any scientific graduate school text book, I have ever read. It is dry, boring, but if you take the time to read it, it is mind expanding in regards to marriage and a couple's relationship. Read the Crucible first and you may find you love what he has to say with his unorthodox insights, enough to plow through the Passionate Marriage. 
Back to the question of leadership and team. I have a graduate degree in Business Administration and have been in leadership positions regionally and nationally since I graduated from high school over 55 years ago. I would like to share with you some concepts on leadership. There are more ways to lead, but think about them.

Charisma is a way to be a leader. If you are "dragging someone" that is not charismatic leadership. Charismatic leadership inspires people to follow and do what you want. You don't sound like you are leading your wife with charisma, if you are dragging, monitoring, pushing, etc.

Another form of leadership, though not the best, is physical strength. For example, you will do X or I will force you to do X and if necessary beat the hell out of you. This may be a way that leadership is performed in certain situations, like say an old-time corrections officer in a prision or a slave master, but it is not a modern method of leadership. It may also be employed by say Russian NCO's and their new conscripts in Ukraine. It is not a marriage leadership style.

Moving along, leadership can be exerted through "position authority." That is "I am the boss" or "I out rank you." Since I can fire your, discipline you, demote you, or bring you up on charges, you will do what I say. Again, not a good way to run a marriage. Sometimes husbands will say "in my culture" the man is the leader of the family and the wife does what he says. Other times the wife may say she needs to be subordinate to her husband. Please think hard if that is why you should be the "leader in your marriage" or if there may not be a better approach.

Another form of leadership is based on "superior knowledge." There are two versions of this. The first is that no one else on the team has the compete picture to formulate a plan. You are the only one who understands all aspects of the situation and so you are the only one who can formulate a plan based on a solution that will "solve" the teams problem. This method often has the leader doing things to keep parts of the problem secrete so that only they have a complete idea of the problem. Your wife probably has more knowledge about her homework and her studies than you do.

The second form of "superior" knowledge" is based on being a recognized expert in some field. This is what works best among highly technical fields. For example, accounting, medicine, or engineering. Let's say that you are a nationally recognized leader in some aspect of your profession and leading a team in that profession; then they can respect your knowledge base and your rightful role as a leader, even if your expertise is slightly different from the problem. It is sort of like the technicians may be saying, "my ideas are good, but everyone knows and respects his insights, so he may know as much or more" and so we should listen to how he makes his decisions and follow them. This works best among highly educated or highly trained teams. Remember that your wife is highly educated and you need to discuss solutions with her, not impose them.

Finally, we have the democratic or consultative approach to leadership. This is where the team huddles and the different team members discuss the problem and share their insights. In a sporting situation, one team mate may point out that player X seems to be limping or favoring their right leg, so our team may be able to exploit this in our next play. Or another team mate may say that in their watching past plays made by the opposing team a certain play worked to surprise them. In this situation multiple input from the whole team is requested and then a plan of action is decided upon while evaluating the pro's and con's.

So, why don't you ponder what kind of Leader you are in your marriage? What kind of leadership style are you using?

If you have read Dr. David Schnarch's book I suggested, you will have learned that marriage is the hardest thing two people can do it done correctly. Marriage is a Crucible where to people are forged together in heat and pressure into a single marriage unit. It is like combining tin and copper to make a new metal (bronze) that is stronger than the two individual parts. 

Marriage is about near constant change and that change means the two of you are constantly pushing and pulling at each other as you each emotionally develop. When you first marry, you will need to figure out who does what in the marriage in terms of chores. You will need to figure out what the two of you will eat, how you will spend your free time, and what you will save your money for. Previously, each of you made those decisions for yourself, now you share a house and need to share those decisions, as they affect your partner. Then if you have children, you will have to figure out the parenting style you can agree upon. That is also a negotiated choice where you push and pull to establish your parenting responsibilities. When you children enter school and you have more free time will become the next push/pull change in your marriage.

The point Schnarch likes to make is that EVERYTHING in marriage is NEGOTIATED. It doesn't matter how often you do the laundry versus vacuuming, versus shopping for food. It is all negotiated. If one of you becomes sick or has to travel for work, the other needs to help and pick up the slack. He also likes to point out that there is no "right answer" to the negotiations, it is all situational as to what works for the two of you. One couple may be happy with chocolate ice cream every night after dinner. For another couple one may hate chocolate ice cream. Another couple may be happy with watching football 4 hrs a day on the weekends. Still another may be happy having sex just twice a month. It is all negotiated and there is no right answer. Think about that in terms of cooking, cleaning, homework, running, and arguing with your wife. 

Are you trying to impose your solution upon her or is it a negotiated and mutually agreed upon solution? If it is not mutually agreed upon, what leadership style are you using? Does she view it as "her desired solution," is it her and your negotiated solution, or are you trying to use to "impose" your solution upon her.

In your free time after you have finished Schnarch's books, I suggest you look up and study the concept of "White Knight in Shining Armour" or Damsel in Distress" syndrome. Are you trying to save your wife (from herself)? Is she failing just so you can save her, just to make you happy? One of the things that men are often criticized about is not listening to their wives and providing them with empathy; but cutting them off and suggesting solutions, when their wives don't want solutions but want to be heard. Are you focused on saving her and fixing her "problems that you see" and she doesn't see or doesn't want you to fix?

You seem to be interested in exploring and doing some introspection on yourself to help your marriage, which is very good. I want to complement you on that. I hope some of my comments will help you think about your situation in regards to your wife.

Good luck.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

If a man is lazy women are like "dump him" but if a woman is constantly miserable and lazy women are like "you can't dump her you controlling pig!" Lol. Women think men aren't allowed standards lol


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

DamianDamian said:


> If a man is lazy women are like "dump him" but if a woman is constantly miserable and lazy women are like "you can't dump her you controlling pig!" Lol. Women think men aren't allowed standards lol


Ok so truly lazy sure dump her.
But you think getting high marks in pre-med is lazy?

I do agree he and her should split. He obviously wants different things than she does.
She doesn't meet his standards.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Maybe she doesn’t want to pursue her phd…?
If she doesn’t want to - would you require that of her?

you seem more like a dictator than a partner/spouse. Was this an arranged marriage?

it’s also creepy that your Mom is training her about things in the home. Tell your mom to leave your wife alone! She has enough to worry about with school and a husband who just pushes her to the brink!

she’s not depressed…she’s probably trying to figure out how to get out from under your thumb.

you aren’t helping her - you are causing her harm!


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Thank you for everyone's responses. I have a lot of think about and reevaluate certain things. I am an insistent person and thus end up 'nagging'. I am going to stop that. Good leaders command respect. They don't need to engage in back and forth needlessly.

Regarding education, this was her chosen degree. She requested it as part of her marriage. The pHD is also her desire. 
Someone mentioned that I should be ashamed because she is going to be the "top earner". Her life is going to be her family. This is her wish. I am going to make sure she has everything she needs financially. 

Regarding fitness, a user commented she doesn't want to get fat. This is true. Before her exercising days, her education stressed her out a lot and she ended up gaining substantial weight. That's when I decided she needed this change in her life.

Regarding mum teaching my wife is "creepy". I wholeheartedly disagree. If my mother's teachings are creepy, then I am creepy. No one has ever said I am creepy. Don't project.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Good leaders “earn respect”.
Where do you get these ideas?

anyone “commanding” my respect can kiss my hind side.

and any man nagging me is shown the door immediately! I’m a grown woman. So is your wife. Stop treating her like a toddler.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> Good leaders “earn respect”.
> Where do you get these ideas?
> 
> anyone “commanding” my respect can kiss my hind side.
> ...


Sounds like they have a father-child relationship to me. Must be the age gap.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thank you for everyone's responses. I have a lot of think about and reevaluate certain things. I am an insistent person and thus end up 'nagging'. I am going to stop that. Good leaders command respect. They don't need to engage in back and forth needlessly.
> 
> Regarding education, this was her chosen degree. She requested it as part of her marriage.  The pHD is also her desire.
> Someone mentioned that I should be ashamed because she is going to be the "top earner". Her life is going to be her family. This is her wish. I am going to make sure she has everything she needs financially.
> ...


You obviously have no respect for your wife and view her as a stupid, brainless child you must steer through life. Poor woman is going to have a miserable life if she stays with someone who says things like “I decided she needs to change.” You certainly don’t deserve her respect, and what you’re “commanding” is compliance and silent obedience to your whims.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If her wish is to have a family then why push her so hard to get a high education?

how will she use her education when she has several kids to raise at home?
Are you planning to stay home with several small babies? Or is that job passed to your mommy?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Beach123 said:


> If her wish is to have a family then why push her so hard to get a high education?
> 
> how will she use her education when she has several kids to raise at home?
> Are you planning to stay home with several small babies? Or is that job passed to your mommy?


It really doesn’t sound like her wishes mean anything in this situation.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

What's with the leader bs? It's a marriage, not a cult.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> and any man nagging me is shown the door immediately! I’m a grown woman. So is your wife. Stop treating her like a toddler.


I'm glad you have the personality that doesn't require external encouragement. I'm sure you understand that not everyone is exactly like you. For some, discipline needs time to grow from within. In the meantime, others need to step up.



TexasMom1216 said:


> You obviously have no respect for your wife and view her as a stupid, brainless child you must steer through life.


I chuckled. What in all of my messages lead you to believe that I don't view her as an intelligent person? My issue was the friction between us, not anything else.



Beach123 said:


> If her wish is to have a family then why push her so hard to get a high education?


Everyone has childhood dreams and I wanted to honor that. I didn't want to be the reason she tells her kids why she couldn't complete what she worked her whole life towards. I was picturing the scene in movies where the mum tells her children how she could've been a great lawyer but then she you guys were born and it all came to an abrupt end.



TexasMom1216 said:


> It really doesn’t sound like her wishes mean anything in this situation.


Either you're emotional or you are lacking comprehension skills. This is categorically false. Why would I bother with this interaction if her wishes and feelings didn't matter?



Tested_by_stress said:


> What's with the leader bs? It's a marriage, not a cult.


Every team has a leader whether that's in school, sports, work or country. Every organized body has a leader. Marriage is no different.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Ruling with that iron fist… you’ll see what you get - but it won’t be a happy wife/family life.
Have it your way - since you’re so intent on being the big leader.


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## Candycaneishealthy (3 mo ago)

Beach123 said:


> since you’re so intent on being the big leader.


Thanks


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Most unhappy people understand there is a simple formula for getting a different result… start doing every little thing in your life opposite of the way you have done them in the past.

that’s the easiest way to get quick results that make a difference.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Candycaneishealthy said:


> Thanks


Speaking of leaders. What is your leadership style? Does your wife get to make some of the decisions, does she get to make some that impact your life? Do you defer to her in certain areas.

Again, marriage is about the push and pull as each of you grow at different emotional rates. That usually means that sometimes you are a leader and sometimes you are a follower being pulled along by your spouse.

Good luck.


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