# Am I wrong to say I can't cope with my sister in law



## glee (Jul 16, 2012)

I have been with my wife for 6 years. I love her to bits however I can't keep going round in circles with her sister. The family have had lots of pain and problems and in the 6 yrs I have been with my wife her sister (40+yrs) has repeatidly attempted suiced and emotionally blackmailed my wife. My sister-in-law has two kids now 19 and 16 with their own issues which is understandable and throughtout the yrs they have stayed with us for weeks here and there we have run around after them and I have always supported them. Eva (sister - in - law) rings up to say how she misses her only sister and she is depressed bla bla bla and we going running. I feel like if Eva doesn't get her way she then talks about how now one cares and she would rather die then we have a half hearted suicide attempt. Eva has a lot of issues and i knew this when I married my wife I just didn't realise it would take over our life. We have had xmas' ruined, birthdays normal days. The last few weeks she has been in a mental hospital and has still taken pills but then will always tell someone she has done it. We have been running around after her son and her and had phone calls constantly. The hospital and my wife are now in arguments as they want to discharge her but Eva keeps telling us she is taking pills and not ready to leave. I have my own issues going on and feel guilty for saying it but can't and don't want to hear about Eva anymore. We have talked about starting our own family but then Eva controls are life so much it would be impossible. My wife and I have been very strained. She is stressed to the max and we spoke yesterday and I told her I can't cope with Eva anymore. The response I got back was not great but what do i do? I dont have it in me to keep running round to pick Eva up off the floor then pick my wife up off the floor because of Eva, push myself at work and home to keep going. Am i a bad person?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

No you're not a bad person. One of the worse things about our biological workings is that we can't help ourselves in deciding who we fall in love with. 

In this case you seem to be totally ok with your wife except for this problem, that is not in her herself, but is connected to her sister. 

No matter what many therapists like to tell us (while they go about doing the opposite in their private lives) when you marry someone you get a package. You get the wife and her family. It is extremely hard to cut the family out of it. It's apparently much easier to have a man cut ties with his nuts family than get a woman to do the same (not going into the reasons why that is right now).

You have talked to your wife and the answer must have been something along the lines of "how can you ask me to let go of my sister just like that?". It is to be expected. 

But if you are in a situation that it may be a deal breaker for you, there is a need to tell your wife that. If you can't live with this she has some hard choices to do too. 

In your case, the situation actually gets complicated by the lack of kids. If kids were in the picture she would have to choose between you and the kids and her loony sister. Right now its between you and the sister and it will strain your mutual love to the point that she may choose her sister. 

It boils down to how strong do you think her love for you is. And another thing you must consider, is, that if she in fact thinks that helping her sister is more important than your marriage, you are always going to be 2nd. Can you live with that?

On a side note. You are demonstrating some signs of being a "Nice Guy", worrying about being a bad person and all. Did you sign somewhere that you were a missionary or some sort of saintly figure that has to take on the problems of a woman that you're not with just because she happens to be your wife's sister? 

The reason why this Eva person does all these things is that she knows she will get attention from her sister. To be extremely rough here... If your wife cuts ties with her sister what's the worse it can happen? She tries suicide, maybe this time she does it right? So freaking what? Is this woman a positive influence on anyone's life? She screwed up her kids, makes her sister's life much harder and strains your marriage. 

And this is the worse case scenario. I bet she won't kill herself properly. These people never do unfortunately. They are the worse case scenario of attention [email protected]!§€.


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## glee (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks I don't think she will so it either but my wife doesn't want to take that chance. I havent asked her to chose between us I have just said I don't want to hear about it anymore to which she said I was unsportive and always have been. She has said that she wants a break and that when we said our vows we said for better or worse. I did say that and i feel guilty but I didnt sign up to marry Eva. I told sarah I feel sidelined for her sister and deep down im sure sarah knows that this is all attention seeking. I feel that maybe I am a bad support network. Do i stay in this loop forever running round after my sister in law? Is that what I am supposed to do in a marriage? I dont think sarah will say im a 'nice guy' (also im a girl lol) I feel like I have always put my hopes and dreams on hold to support sarah with her career choices and her sister, dont get me wrong she is great and been a great support with my depression but alot of that is cause because of our situation. I love her but i dont no where to go or what to do from here.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

You can try telling your wife that she will be doing her sister a FAVOR by not running to her side everytime she calls.

Because what her sister needs is professional help. She deserves professional help. And what she needs... your wife cannot give her. 

So being her rescuer isn't the solution. If she truly wants her sister to get better, she will bow out and get her the help she needs.

The only help you can give someone in this case is your supportive "ear". That's it.


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## glee (Jul 16, 2012)

We have talked about stepping back but my wife will only go so far then will run in to rescue her. Eva is very much attention seeking and always has done if she is not in the centre she will do what ever is necessary to put herself there. She has been offered all kinds of help and doesnt want to no. Eva has even done a councelling course herself! It feels like I have 2 choices 1-continue this way forever running around after eva cause that it what my wife wants to do or say no and lose my wife. I feel alot of anger towards Eva cause she guilt trips my wife and emotionally black mails her. My wife knows she does it but cant help but buckle and run round. I just want to move my wife away from her sister!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> also im a girl lol


Blimey... Assumptions be damned... Sorry! 




> She has said that she wants a break and that when we said our vows we said for better or worse.


Better or worse with her, not her sister. And this is an avoidable "worse". Your SIL needs professional help and should seek it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

glee said:


> We have talked about stepping back but my wife will only go so far then will run in to rescue her. Eva is very much attention seeking and always has done if she is not in the centre she will do what ever is necessary to put herself there. She has been offered all kinds of help and doesnt want to no. Eva has even done a councelling course herself! It feels like I have 2 choices 1-continue this way forever running around after eva cause that it what my wife wants to do or say no and lose my wife. I feel alot of anger towards Eva cause she guilt trips my wife and emotionally black mails her. My wife knows she does it but cant help but buckle and run round. I just want to move my wife away from her sister!



So.. your wife feels she is adequately qualified to help her sister?


Even if she was a certified counsellor, she's too close to the situation to not be biased.

Read up on enablers.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Google codependency


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## glee (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks for your comments. Been a stressful time not sure what lies ahead but my wife has told her sister today she doesn't want her in her life. Im not sure how i feel about this I never for one seconded wanted her to cut SIL all together just to take a huge step back. Thanks so much im glad i found this site


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