# sad



## wanthappiness (Sep 28, 2011)

I had an affair about a year ago. I cut off ties as soon as my husband found out. My husband seems to not be moving on from this in a pace I thought he would. We are still talking everyday about the affair and I am sooo ready to try to focus on the future and making each other happy. Am I crazy to think we should be farther along than we are? What can I do to help him move on and feel secure and trust me again? We have been together for ten years, I have never cheated on him before. We have had a rocky marriage for years though.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

wanthappiness said:


> I had an affair about a year ago. I cut off ties as soon as my husband found out. My husband seems to not be moving on from this in a pace I thought he would. We are still talking everyday about the affair and I am sooo ready to try to focus on the future and making each other happy. Am I crazy to think we should be farther along than we are? What can I do to help him move on and feel secure and trust me again? We have been together for ten years, I have never cheated on him before. We have had a rocky marriage for years though.


It can take years to get over being betrayed. I am about 2 years down from d-day and we still talk about his A almost every day. It is so hard for a LS to get their head around the enormity of betrayal. They have to approach it from every angle, and try to fit it into their new reality. It is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do. Your H will move on when he is ready. You didn't say if you two were in MC. It can be very helpful if you get someone who understands infidelity and it's consequences. The effect on the BS is very similar to PTSD. My H has never cheated before, but it only takes one time to completely destroy your trust in someone. Once that has occurred it is a long process to reestablish it. I would advise you to be very patient; tell him what he wants to know; and reassure him that you're in it for the duration, if you in fact are. Honesty is the very best policy in this situation. If my H had been honest with me about his feelings from the start there never would have been an A.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How do you think you would be feeling if you had to catch your husband cheating, humiliating and disrespecting your marriage. Would you wish to just sweep it under the rug and move forward?

The fact that you did not confess and had to be caught makes your husband think it would still be going on if you were not caught. What did you expect to happen when you decided to cheat on your spouse? Have you both been checked for STD's. Have you exposed this to the OM's spouse or girlfriend. You need to ask the question of why your husband would wish to stay with a cheating spouse who puts his health at risk for STD's?


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I just checked to make sure that you are not my wife....lol. I can tell you how we are doing after 10 months......same as you 

It does seem to get better as time goes on. But as for how long...I have no clue. I can tell you its longer than a year.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no timetable for betrayal. And some people never "get over" infidelity. It leaves a scar that never goes away.

Talk with him about how you feel. Ask him what you can do to restore his trust, ask him what he needs from you, tell him what your needs are. 

Get into marriage counselling if you haven't done it before.


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## Tullip (Apr 21, 2011)

Hi, 
I'm about 2ys post D-DAY also, and the affair comes into my mind almost everyday. However, I don't let it get in the way of trying to be happier or moving on. There are times I still bring it up and want to talk about how much he hurt me and hard it is to fully;100% forgive him. 
The betrayal from his affair is probably the most hurtful/painful experience I have lived through thus far. It also happened to be during a time my fatherwas sick and past away. 
Someone on this board said it perfectly, they will probably only be 99% recovered from the A. 
I'm still not able to tell my husband that I love him 
So be patient; the healing process doesnt not have a time line. 
It is very much like PSTD...I still have nightmares!!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Almost 14 yrs since the A. Wife has forgiven 100% but not forgotten. Sucks to be us but it'll be until the rest of our lives. Once in a while it'll pop out and you just have to deal with it. If you're looking for him to just let it go then you've got a looooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng road ahead of you.

The minute you utter that one sentence, "It's in the past, just let it go already." You will get either the cold shoulder or a tongue lashing (not the good kind either) from the BS.


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

An affair is a betrayal of trust and love, and believe me, it is not something that you can get over easily, try as you may. It's like a recurring nightmare that you wish would go away forever, but it doesn't.


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## Hijo (Sep 1, 2011)

An affair is much like herpes. You can treat the symptoms, but it will NEVER go away completely.

Your task is to have the right medicines ready to treat the symptoms when they pop up.

If the medicine is the right kind, you get fewer outbreaks.

Make sure your medicine is full of remorse, transparency, understanding and devotion to your spouse. His outbreaks will become less and less severe. They will never stop though. 

This is your cross to bear for your behavior. If you are strong enough, you will bear it for him and for you. Eventually, you will see that it has made you a better couple and you will gladly bear it.


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## StGeorge (Sep 12, 2011)

I'd say, same as you won't ever forget what you did, Neither will they. 

It's something that you will both remember the rest of your life.


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## better than before (Aug 3, 2011)

It is a scar that will always be there, but I believe that it does fade over time. We are a year + out. I still think WTF, did he really do that often. I have learned that people are vulnerable; we now communicate well and continue to talk about A. The frequency of the talks are slowly tapering off, but triggers still hit. He is here on TAM and sometimes just reading his posts trigger me. He is doing an amazing job of helping people here. I know my H carries lots of pain, but he chose that path. It is a long road, but for us so worth the travel. Be patient and willing to talk even when you don't want to rehash it all. He will appreciate your willingness to do so.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You really have to go at whatever pace your devastated spouse needs to go. It may take 2 years to even start going forward. Given the depth of the pain, the humiliation, the blow to his self esteem, the shattering of his trust, it seems that you should be willing to feel his pain along with him. Reframe your thoughts. He did not do this to you so does he have to hurry up to accommodate you? 

Be grateful that you still have a husband and family and gently guide him to recovery. Sacrifice your desire to feel happy again. Remember, you gave it up so easily to cheat so you need to work hard to get it back. Perhaps you will value it all the more. . Could you be suffering from the self-centeredness that caused the cheating in the first place? Hopefully he is not seeing that in your rush to feel good. 

I think you should Either ride this out or let him go. Don't stand in the way of a future that will include meeting an empathetic woman who will cherish and love him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

I think 1 year mark is still raw and fresh. I don't know where you got the expection of "pace" you mentioned, but whatever pace he shows is the pace that you have to accept. You cannot demand or dictate the pace of your husband's healing. Someone compared affair to herpes that checks in but never checks out. In a way, it is correct. He will never heal from it 100% ever. He just gets better enough to live more normally after a while. The lingering pain and flash of mind movies may never go away though.

If you truly want R, you must be really really patient and devoted to your conviction to R. It is not for a weak heart. A friend of mine whose wife had A 20 years ago still talks about the pain of having mind movies and sudden rage. Be patient, and more importantly don't ever do it again.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

To be honest, a decent percentage of people consider cheating to be unforgivable after a period where the marriage was already struggling. To those who are willing to consider reconciliation, knowing that the partner ended it on their own, without being caught, might give them just enough help to eventually put it behind them. People need assurance, other than words, that this will never, ever happen again. They need to know that the partner understands their pain, and feels some measure of real remorse. It is possible that if you pile on the expectation that they 'just get over it', without taking a real look at what happened, and the steps that you have taken to be sure that it will not happen again, then no real time frame will make sense.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

wanthappiness said:


> I had an affair about a year ago. I cut off ties as soon as my husband found out. My husband seems to not be moving on from this in a pace I thought he would. We are still talking everyday about the affair and I am sooo ready to try to focus on the future and making each other happy. Am I crazy to think we should be farther along than we are? What can I do to help him move on and feel secure and trust me again? We have been together for ten years, I have never cheated on him before. We have had a rocky marriage for years though.


You stopped because you got caught. I don't see any remorse or ownership in your post. Frankly this would have been a deal breaker for me. The fact he is still talking is pretty good. It can take many years to even be able to cope with this, Get over it? Maybe never completely. It is not longer the same marriage. That marriage was broken.

So how long was the affair? I am assuming EA/PA. Who was the affair partner? It matters. Where is this person now? Do you work with them? 

You know having an affair is kinda a big deal. Why did you do it?

What are you doing to create trust in him? You have to deal with the root causes at some point.


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