# my story about my husband and his work- wife



## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

hello all. first i have to say i am so happy to see such an active board for all of us who are going through this. Not to say i am happy that any of us have to actually experience this hell.

where to begin...ok- i am 35, and have been married for almost 16 yrs- been with WH (wandering husband i think this is- LOL) since I was 17. my entire adult life so far. i thought things were good- we have 4 kids. I have been a SAHM for 15 yrs...my husband has a great job in the computer field...anyway- our youngest child is about to turn 2. It was during my pregnancy with her that I noticed something was very very wrong. 

WH started dressing in designer clothes (he had been a tshirt and jeans guy) and spending lots of $$ on cologne. Wearing suits. Working late...You get the point. I thought he was cheating..but i was having a complicated pregnancy , and dealing with the other 3 kids- one who has autism. You get the point- i was super busy and tired, and i was saying to my friends - "it seems like he's cheating but he can't be . all he does is work- then he comes home."

it NEVER dawned on me he could be cheating at work! He was. 

After the baby was born, I noticed he wanted NOTHING to do with her- wouldnt even hold her. He said she cried too much. This went on for months. He was always texting...said it was work...finally a few months after the baby was born, i asked for the phone bills. he had hidden them. and then i saw his temper, really for the first time. He avoided getting caught for several days...i found the phone records- my husband and a girl he supervises at work were texting each other until 130am most mornings. EVERY DAY. 2000 texts a month. 

he appologized...admitted it was an emotional affair- said nothing physical happened. said it would never happen again...

fast forward about 18 months later. He has just gotten caught at work with this girl by another coworker who found them in the park together. This coworker caused a scene at the office when he started yelling and cursing out my husband- accusing him of favoritism and abusing his position- i dont know many more details because of course my husband is trying to keep it from me. i only discovered this because i found the human resources investigation papers. this guy who flipped out- was a very highly trained computer guy- and very mellow normally too- which makes the whole thing very odd- what the h$ll is going on at his job??? i thought when the texting stopped so did the affair- not even close. apparently this girl he is cheating with is a VERY junior computer programmer- but my husband is going out of his way to "teach her everything she knows" (this is what he brags to me)- and he goes out of his way to say she's the only one who listens to him and doesnt screw up on his team. she is doing all the major projects for his team now- and she is not qualified. the guy who flipped was right- yet my husband convinced his boss that the guy who flipped was crazy...so i think his coworker got demoted and moved to another department. my husband is good at his job and his company needs him. he is getting away with everything. on the h.r. report it says that his boss cant get his time- and my husband is at work ALL DAY LONG. or so i thought- he should have WAY more than enough hours logged. 

my husband and this girl dont care who they hurt. me, my kids, their coworkers. 

i know the affair has picked up. the physical part of our relationship is 99.9% gone...one of the last times it happened- he practically broke down in tears- it was as though he felt guilty he had cheated on SOMEONE ELSE! this was before i found out about the investigation at work. he's taking diet pills, he's lost weight- all the red flags are there staring me in the damn face. 

the only good thing i have going is that when i had the baby and found the texts- i enrolled in school. was never the plan to go right to school with a newborn , but i did. thank God. I am halfway done my associates degree, and made the honor society. with a tremendous amount of stress- but that has been my motivator. in fact, every time the situation eats me up, i cope by studying or reading for school. it's been good therapy- i highly suggest it if you can do it, and feel the need to get your mind off this hell we are in. It really helps. 

Anyway, irony or ironies- or not- my my husband wants to file for divorce...rewriting the past...saying he's been trying to end it for years...(our baby was planned, so I guess he wasn't really planning this too long)..he wants to do an online divorce- he will be friendly with me if i do it the way he wants. he doesnt even want to do a court appearance- he wants to file online. i saw this on a to-do list he had for last weekend. Right under- "fix hole in the wall", i saw "fill out family situation paperwork" he cant even write DIVORCE. he still wears his wedding ring to work and to his parents house. not at home. 

sorry this is so long...i have seen a lawyer, and i told them i would be back friday to fill out the paperwork. in the end i cant say i want this. but he's been really nasty and kind of abusive towards me since i found out about the girl at work. and everything he says is wrong- when i try to fix it- say i clean more, cook more, whatever he wants- he will then say something like- "when your parents got sick you turned your back on me to help them. you threw everything away. (my parents both passed within the past 6 yrs- they were only in their 50's) he will say anything to justify what he has done. 

i feel sooo thrown away. here is the irony - they cant even really be together . all they do is sneak around. the girl he is with is from pakistan- supposedly very religous muslim - this should be so against what she beleives in- messing around with a married catholic man with 4 kids...ive talked to her once when i found the phone bills and she swore she "would never do that." i have found emails from her to my husband asking to find her a divorce lawyer, look at apartments for her online and give her an opinion, help her brother find a job...you get the point. she is so needy and dependent on him. and he LOVES this. 

his main complaint about me now- is i am "not obedient." and that is one of the things i know he loves about her- "she does what i say, therefore she never messes up, unlike everyone else on my team."

this is now my life. i have lost my husband. he will not leave his job. and she will not leave- she is set! the two of them will continue this, clearly, for years. there is nothing i can do about it but move on.

its just that everything hurts right now so bad. this life was everything i knew..and i am about to be a single mom of four...with almost no family around. ouch.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yeah sounds like he's gone for sure and nothing you do will get him back
Your best shot to end the affair is to expose the OW

and do not let him walk all over you by allowing him to control the terms of the divorce, get a lawyer


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Tossed Sorry you here Are you wanting to d or save the marriage ?? If I were in this situation I would gather all the evidence I could and Expose the affair to everyone especially their work, In some states companies have been sued because of affairs envolving employees. I would also consult an atty as he has gaslighted you once with false recovery If your answer is save the M I would also set up some boundaries on what you are willing to accept in the m. no matter what your decision is I would expose to everyone his parents, her parents, job, friends, etc You will certainly be intitled to child support and separate maintenance for a period of time as well. 

Good Luck


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

I am not honestly sure what i want- If i thought i could have him the way he used to be - i would move heaven and earth to stay married- but since i found out about the affair he has gotten pretty nasty and a bit abusive at times. I am not sure if this is the kind of man I should fight for...I get conflicted cause I made a committment to him though, and of course, I didnt ever really want a divorce. 

As far as reporting this to his work, how should I go about that? Would I call HR and make an appt? If i do it, i want to go about it the right way, KWIM?


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

And I hate to say it but, he seems like he is the one who really wants to get divorced. It doesnt seem like i can change his mind. he isnt really giving me any indication he is open to saving things.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The whole idea behind exposure is to put a spot lite on the fantasy of the affair
Once exposed its no longer something secret this tends to kill the illusion so to speak.
As far as reporting it I would make copies of emails texts etc and put these in a safe place were they 
Would not be compromised and contact the hr dept I don't think you would have to go their in person maybe email. I feel the husband you love is still their currently he is in the fog of the affair or the fantasy once this ends they the affairees normally return. Remember the idea is to not get them in trouble or fired but to end the affair as far as the ow does she have a bf or is she married as well
I would see if she has a face book acct and copy her friend and paste to a word doc. Do not let yr husband know you are doing this it should come as a surprise or shock to both parties if they know before hand they have time to get their stories straight etc
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

For the exposure to the employer, a phone call to HR is all you need to do at the moment, ask if they would like to have copies. One thing you do need to remember is that they have once swept this under the rug and I have a strange feeling that they did it on purpose so you may need to contact the employee that initially brought this to their attention. After what they did to him, he and his lawyer will not allow it to be swept under the rug again.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

> i have found emails from her to my husband asking to find her a divorce lawyer,


She`s married, expose this affair to her husband immediately.


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

thanks ! no she does not have a facebook acct . the story she claims ( she got hired right after i got pregnant with my almost 2 yr old- and the changes in my husband happened almost immediately. ) anyway her story is that she was in an arranged marriage. and that her husband abused her horribly....my husband was her shoulder to cry on during her divorce, which coincidentally was going on while i was pregnant. he hardly talked to me at all during my pregnancy. I did a backround search on her online to see if i could find her husbands name- i wanted to contact him to see if my husband had something to do with her divorce. Supposedly she was married in NJ. I never found proof of marriage or divorce for her. Red flags started going up for me cause i found emails my husband was sending to one of his lawyer friends- "a good friend of mine needs a divorce attorney.." then another .."do you have the name yet? she just came to my office again."

the litebulbs went off for me because i was wondering- why is she asking my husband to find her a divorce attorney? why isnt her family helping her, since they arranged her marriage? i came to find out this girl at work NEVER contacted my husband's attorney friend.

i think my husband is involved with a very shady career climber. but in turn, he has turned really secretive too. and he thinks she hung the moon....UGH


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

i did contact the other employee but he wouldnt talk- he sounded a combination of angry and shaky- he said "I dont even work in that department anymore! I am not staying here! I'm hanging up now!

i think he got in a lot of trouble at work for flipping out. and he didnt want to risk more.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

He's a skank and even if you do find a way to save your marriage, he'll end up dragging you down with him. Screwing the help at your place of work is or should be a capital offense for all involved.
I learned this from my first boss when I started working at the age of twelve.
The theory is that you are being paid to produce and any efforts you direct toward screwing around has been paid for by your place of employment.
I applied this principle my whole working life and although I never won any popularity contests, I did reap generous monetary rewards for it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

While I support the idea of outing the affair from a moral perspective, and even if you want revenge, be aware that there's a reasonable possibility that your husband could be fired or even named in a sexual harrasement lawsuit if you make a stink about it. And since it sounds like he's the family's sole income provider...

I'm not saying not to do it, but just to think about the impact. Does your husband's family know yet? Having his mom on his case might be as effective, and from what you said, he's still trying to keep it a secret.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

The bottom line is that she needs to decide if she is willing to r or d, I think someone that has been married for 16yrs just doesnt throw it away overnight especially with 4 kids. In the meantime she can work on herself and research laws in her state and find out exactly what she would be entitled too in case of a d. maybe even open a separate checking account and start funding it on the side in preparation for worst case. With 4 kids and having been married over 10yrs she would come out pretty good as far as child support and alimony in my opinion. Her husband on the other hand maynot be the sugar daddy that the OW thinks he is once this settles out. Tossed you could always go ahead consult an atty if you think yr husband has checked out and start the process, the divorce can always be stopped at any way along the road maybe have hubby look at the big picture and also show you mean business jmo


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Re the arranged marriage - her family will not help dissolve it - and likely wants to hear nothing of it.

I am about your age - as is my W. We've been married 10 years, together since age 19. Known eachother for 3 years before that. We have 4 children (youngest 2). I work at a time consuming job, with other women. I would never act like your H - he is being a piece of sh**. The sooner you understand that, the better.

It is not your fault and telling him you'll do more housework (unless you were not doing a reasonable amount) is bs. 

One can only imaging why he needs to look elsewhere. Sometimes, motives are irrelevant. Why he would plan a pregnancy with you despite his insecurity with your relationship is simply unanswerable with reason. Being intimate with a subordinate at work is simply moronic.

Careful about getting him fired, his job should be your income stream for a few years. 

I wish there were something to say.


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

his parents do not know. i am sure they have heard rumors that we are having problems...but they would never confront my husband and ask. they dont really want to know. I have not had a great relationship with his family since this all started. I pulled back from his family at first..and there were some other issues with me and his mom not always geting along. that being said- they would be HORRIFIED to know what he is doing. His mom is a devout catholic- and to know her son was cheating with someone, ANd getting divorced,AND was muslim- would be a HUGE issue for her. she had problems with my familiy and they were protestant...so i can only imagine how this would go over. all her sons went to catholic school ..even high school. 

No , this whole thing would go over like a ton of lead bricks with his parents. i know this is a VERY powerful tool i could use- and at the same time- they will always believe their son over me. however, they would also know that there is no reason in hell i would make this up. i've been considering telling them...however my fear is, they could also seriously fund him with a great divorce attorney...i have enough for a lawyer from when my mom passed...but not a lot. my money will be gone fast. and if my husband is financially backed by them, i have a lot to lose potentially..

i hope this makes sense...yes, his mom could def help, at the same time- she will put and beleive, her son, over me, any day. this is tricky.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Tossed you have the grand children remember that, as long as you are not abusing them, or doing drugs, or alcohol you should be fine. in the event of a d, also you could show your in laws the proof you have ie texts, emails etc kinda hard to talk your way around that stuff. Exposure has been shown to the number one affair killer, as i mentioned earlier get your research, investigate, and become informed knowledge is power as they say 

Good Luck


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I suggest....

Play dumb. Passive and harmless... You want their guard down. Gather as much intel as possible, reach deep down and find your anger.

Then...

Become a thermo-nuclear, mushroom cloud laying, alpha b*tch. 

This is wrong, you are in the right. Do not be a victim. Drop the bomb. Shock and awe exposure. His parents, your parents, all friends, her parents or any contact you can find, etc.. etc...

Then back off, reinforce yourself personally (180) and legally (lawyer), To not engage him. show no weakness. 

You are the mother bear and this dirty scavenger has snuck into your den. Your pathetic, drooling fool of a husband is under a spell. Protect your cubs!!.

Gloves off. 

Show your teeth.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

tossed - I would check with an attorney - your attorney fees should come from joint assests. Also, there is likely not much a great attorney can do - it all has to do with how dirty and bitter your husband can get (e.g., accusing you of being abusive toward him and the kids, drinking, cheating, spending frivilously). Crazy what money does to people.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he wants a divorce, give it to him.
DO NOT cling.
File for child support, alimony if applicable, and thank the stars he is not a problem of yours anymore.

This guy is a lost cause.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

step one, get an attorney
step two inform his parents and her husband


hold off on the work exposure because its headed for D then him losing a job will hinder the money support


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

Pit of my stomach- I REALLY like that idea...maybe all at once i could call HR< then send a mass email to his family. The girl at work has a couple siblings on facebook. 

i'm going to have to think about this hard. i have seen my husbands angrier side since i discovered all this to begin with though. I do love the idea however....like i said before- he still wears his wedding ring...at work and around his family...the image thing is so important to him..he actually told me the other day i was a 'liability'. he didnt elaborate...i figured its because he thinks i will reveal him....


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

almostrecovered- that is a concern. i dont want him to get fired. wish she could be though. they SHOULD be separated. i am sure they would get a lot more work out of both of them if that happened.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

I am so sorry. Please be strong, stay focused on school and move on from this man.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

tossedaside said:


> almostrecovered- that is a concern. i dont want him to get fired. wish she could be though. they SHOULD be separated. i am sure they would get a lot more work out of both of them if that happened.


put it this way


if you really think there's a chance at R, then expose at work because you need all the arsenal you can get and him losing his job will not be the end all vs saving a marriage

but if you really believe you're headed to divorce then don't expose to work as it won't do any good in the D, however, exposing her to her husband is needed because her husband has a right to know and exposing him to his family will help prevent him from lying and rewriting the marital history during the D


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I hope to read shortly that you have followed Pit's suggestions. The only way to deal with this is total exposure....everyone and everywhere. Do NOT forget to expose this to her husband/family.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

tossedaside said:


> almostrecovered- that is a concern. i dont want him to get fired. wish she could be though. they SHOULD be separated. i am sure they would get a lot more work out of both of them if that happened.


I personally agree with AR on the using caution with career exposure... In that regard, walk softly. Potentially getting him fired when you guys have children to support?. I just assume avoid that route altogether. 

But I do agree, they MUST be separated. If you have access to her facebook contacts and you have the leverage of mass exposure to both sides of your families... Those things alone will send a bone jarring jolt through the fantasy land...

Regardless of the intent you have, saving the marriage or divorcing... massive exposure is critical and the best tool you have at your disposal. Just remember, use it like a bomb... not a gun. No single shots... Plan your targets carefully, and drop it.

Just tell the truth... But, do it from the highest mountain, in your loudest voice. 

Remember... shock and awe bombing... no trickle exposure!! no testing it out with a couple mini exposures to see how he reacts.... 

BIG BOMB. Once. Well timed, well planned.


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

i was never able to locate her husband because i have never been able to find proof she was actually married. there are no public records of a marriage or a divorce for her. i believe she made up a story about being in an abusive marriage to get attention from my husband, because as i have said- my husband tried to find her a divorce lawyer- and this girl never contacted the lawyer. and she kept asking for a lawyers name- daily- until my husband gave her some contact info. i think she was just looking for excuses to connect with him early on. she's past that now i suppose since she's got him for all intents.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Yeah, I guess getting him fired would not be the wisest thing to do.

You have a bit of money? Have her investigated.


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

thank you Pit- she does not have a facebook page but she does have siblings that use it. So, I could contact them. i beleive there is 3 or 4 of them. and then my husband has his two brothers and his parents. so maybe i press the send button to all of them at once?


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

falene, i was able to afford a brief investigation online of her- like public records, etc. I only found there were no divorce or marriage records for her. 

however, i think i may look into something a little more in depth. thanks for the suggestion! going to check that out right now actually


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I suggest....
> 
> Play dumb. Passive and harmless... You want their guard down. Gather as much intel as possible, reach deep down and find your anger.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
You go girl!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to R then you need to expose to his patents and to find her husband and expose to him.

If you will D then use the threat of going to HR to squeeze every dime out him that you cn, including future stock options , bonuses etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

4 kids. He goes after another woman at work!
Look WS at the destruction!
I see pain in the posting of OP. Sorry, TA.
I think AlmostRecovered has given the correct advise. 
Be cautious. Careful.
We are with you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

@tossedaside, regarding the Pakistani woman, I have a bit more information. These arranged marriages take place over the phone. The guy will be someone that she never met in her life but the family elders will make them take vows over the phone. Thats it, they are married. The guy moves to America or she moves to Pakistan.This is a lot more common in UK though. Girls are kidnapped and married off to some religious bum from a small village. Her family would most likely disown her(some extreme cases, families kill their daughters) for bringing the family to disrepute if you expose her. Read about honor killings. I am guessing that she latched on to the first guy that showed her some sympathy. Are these family members Westernized or are they someone still in Pakistan?


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

Warlock thank you so much for the insight- the deal is though- i still think she's lieing cause why would she be hounding my husband for a divorce lawyer, kwim? if they only got married on the phone...shouldnt be an issue then , right?

her family moved here when she was maybe 12 or so- she is 31 now i beleive. she has several brothers and sisters. they all seem well educated, go to college, etc. the parents own a gas station, quickie mart, that type of thing.but i dont know where its located..i only know my husband told me a little about her. apparently they are considered well to do, or so he says. 

it does make sense what you said about her latching onto the first guy who was nice to her....she seems VERY needy. 

one day i went on his computer and she instant messaged him as soon as i signed on ..right away she said "dont message me everyone is here!" this is before i knew who she was...all i knew is i signed on and instantly that message popped up...it was a couple months before i found the phone records....


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

and yes, they are westernized - she lives in nj now- supposedly her and her husband lived in maryland before she came back to nj with her family.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I guess you can go nuclear on her. Let her learn the hard way that being a career/social climber by sleeping with your married boss does not work long term. Keep the evidence though...


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## tossedaside (Mar 7, 2012)

warlock- do you think if i told her family they would shame her into stopping? 

my husband told me a while back that nothing could ever happen between them even if they wanted to cause he's not muslim...

however..they were found in the park together- i still dont know what happened for sure but i can imagine.


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