# Husband thinks his daughter walks on water!



## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

So my husband and I have been married for four years. In the beginning I admired that he had such a great relationship with his daughter. I could only wish that my son had the same relationship with his father. Anyway - My issue is we have a huge disconnect with discipline. To him his daughter can do no wrong. It's so hard being a step parent... the once sweet relationship between father and daughter has now turned into his daughter being controlling and manipulative. She says what we do for fun, if we make plans to go see a movie and she throws a fit she doesn't want to see it we won't. Then my husband gets upset with me because I am upset. He says "You don't force kids to do things they don't want to do." Also, its very sad but she is 7 years old and she urinates on herself. Every single day, I encouraged him to talk to his ex and take her to the doctor to find out if something is wrong with her. Its not normal for this behavior. After a year of pushing he finally took her in and she has nothing physically wrong with her to be doing this. So the doctor mentioned to take her to a therapist. My husband immediately got upset stating she doesn't need to see a therapist and blames me for her actions!! He said because I get upset it causes her to get upset and she will urinate as a reaction. This is hilarious because she does this at her mother's and other family member's homes as well. BUT she doesn't do it at church, school or summer camp! So I feel she has to know what she is doing. I told my husband that we as parents have the responsibility to raise our children to become the best they can be. It is not our job to sugar coat life, lie for them, make excuses and shield them from reality. We are parents not friends. We will fail as parents if we don't seek a reasoning or resolution for her behavior. I love her and I want the best for her. I just feel like a horrible person for trying to push to get her help and I am also trying to create structure in our home.:scratchhead: Any advice before this wrecks my marriage?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You and your husband need to be on the same page, and work as a team. But he needs to be the one that acts in authority. So YOU shouldn't be getting upset. You should be talking to him (just the two of you) and he should be implementing whatever plan you both agree on.

My advice... Get the two of you into family counseling. Blending a family is difficult at the best of times. This isn't the best of times.

C


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

I completely agree... But if I don't step in and try to encourage him then he would just sweep it under the rug. She has urinated on the couches, carseats and will just sit in it! I have had to put plastic on the couch cushions but I still find myself picking up pants and pajamas soaked in pee every single day. He would not do or say anything... Am I supposed to just accept his 7 year old decides to sit in her own urine all day long like its normal?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

The urinating thing does sound like an emotional/psych response.

What happens prior and post urinating incidents? It may be an emotional/psych stress response. He needs to suck it up and put his pride aside and seek therapeutic help for his daughter.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> He says "You don't force kids to do things they don't want to do."


Sounds like he believes the kids should be running the house. No, no, no. Kids do what the parents decide to do. You and your H are not on the same page as far as what place children have in a household. 

Everything should not revolve around your kids' wants because then they wouldn't brush their teeth, take baths, go for doctor's checkups or eat their vegetables. Parents are supposed to teach and guide, and bottom line, it's their house so their rules. 



> Also, its very sad but she is 7 years old and she urinates on herself.


You are right to want to look into this with a child psychologist. Kids who are bed wetting at this age are usually embarrassed about it and want to stop. It's generally not something they have control over, either. But your step-daughter is sitting in her own urine until someone notices to clean her up, and she's doing it only at home instead of other places. So maybe she only does it where or with whom she's comfortable? I don't know, but a psychologist can certainly help more than we can.

Maybe she feels distressed and disturbed about this divorce and hasn't been able to deal with her fears. 

What is her mother's perspective on this? Has your H discussed it with her? Do they have a cordial relationship, or are they contentious? How does his ex feel about you? Could she be conveying her misgivings or concerns about you or her ex-H to her daughter (things the little girl might overhear) that are creating stress?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A_DelVeccio said:


> I completely agree... But if I don't step in and try to encourage him then he would just sweep it under the rug. She has urinated on the couches, carseats and will just sit in it! I have had to put plastic on the couch cushions but I still find myself picking up pants and pajamas soaked in pee every single day. He would not do or say anything... Am I supposed to just accept his 7 year old decides to sit in her own urine all day long like its normal?


Which is why you and your husband need family counselling. 

Frankly, if it was me (and I felt the need to hang around and be ignored) I'd be piling all the urine soaked clothes somewhere convenient for him to deal with. Like his pillow. Or laptop. Not sure why that part is your issue to deal with. He's capable of dealing with the mess. 

C


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Thanks everyone for your advice.

I know that his X doesn't like me because when he gets upset with me he says things about me to her... (He is NEVER wrong) Things which are not true. He thinks I am mean to his daughter because I want to seek help for her (because she is brilliant and is only acting out because of my rules ) or that I suggest a bed time of 9:00pm. Basically he has no rules for her whatsoever... and I like structure... kids need structure. Unfortunately I know her mother says things about me because we used to have a great relationship in the beginning. Now she is hesitant because her mother said she doesn't have to listen to my rules only her dad. (He has none)

I love my step daughter but I want her to get better, not have any emotional issues. I want her to grow up to be a successful adult. I just am at a loss.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I raised two girls largely alone and with one rule. Use the Asian grading scale and you can get away with anything. No chores, no responsibilities. 

Both are in college, phenomenal students, and still no chores when home.... At age 7 you should try to help fix this issue then worry about long term later...


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

john117 said:


> I raised two girls largely alone and with one rule. Use the Asian grading scale and you can get away with anything. No chores, no responsibilities.
> 
> Both are in college, phenomenal students, and still no chores when home.... At age 7 you should try to help fix this issue then worry about long term later...


Thanks for you input but I feel responsibility is a great lesson and teaches them independence.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

My husband and I had a great conversation last night. We are going to build our confidence as husband and wife through scripture as a base for our minds and hearts. He agreed ****** needs some encouragement and he owes it to her to help her get through it. 

IT'S A START


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A_DelVeccio said:


> Thanks for you input but I feel responsibility is a great lesson and teaches them independence.



Their responsibility growing up is to learn and get good grades. My kids had fairly difficult high school schedules and course loads. Would it make sense for me to demand they vacuum or demand they get great grades and better scholarships?

My girls do walk on water


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PBear said:


> Which is why you and your husband need family counselling.
> 
> Frankly, if it was me (and I felt the need to hang around and be ignored) I'd be piling all the urine soaked clothes somewhere convenient for him to deal with. Like his pillow. Or laptop. Not sure why that part is your issue to deal with. He's capable of dealing with the mess.
> 
> C


:iagree: I had 2 step children. They lived with us full time because their father had 100% custody. So I'll share some things I learned the hard way.

It takes about 5 years for a blended family to become a functioning unit. You have a long way to go.

You are not her mother. She does not want to be her mother. You are the woman her after lives with. Your husband needs to be the one parenting her, setting the rules, enforcing the rules and handing out discipline. It's just not going to work for you to do this. As you can tell.

I completely agree with PBear's idea that you just pile up your step daughter's wet clothing and leave them for her father to wash. Let him clean her messes. only then will he appreciate why you are so concerned. 

I think you would benefit from some books on step parenting. Your not her mother. Sadly this makes a big difference to kids.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Thank you. 

I know I am not her mother. I just love her and want to be there since we have her 80% of the time. 

I talked to her, I told her I loved her and I hope we can move forward. My husband and I committee to working on our marriage and he promised to step up and handle parenting more hands on.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A_DelVeccio said:


> Thank you.
> 
> I know I am not her mother. I just love her and want to be there since we have her 80% of the time.
> 
> I talked to her, I told her I loved her and I hope we can move forward. My husband and I committee to working on our marriage and he promised to step up and handle parenting more hands on.


This is good. It's obvious that you love her.

From my experience, being a step mother is very hard. It's good that her father is stepping up to the plate. That's what she needs right now.

I will also bet that she wants to please you and feels that she keeps failing every time she has an accident. 

From what you are saying, she has loving parents.. to include you and over time she will come to trust the new situation and will do just fine.

Hang in there.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

One thing jumped out at me from your post and that is that you said your step daughter is doing this on purpose.

I would really suggest you resist this temptation to ascribe intentionality to a child of this age.

Even if it appears that they are doing something like this "on purpose", I would bet my life on the fact there is some underlying issue that is causing this.

You acknowledge this on one level of course since you are the one that wants her to see a therapist. I am just concerned about the tendency to just characterize a kid as being "bad" without looking deeper.

I don't think any child her age would really want to be peeing on herself like this. In reality, she suffers from it more than anyone.

I hope you can approach this from the standpoint of really trying to help her rather than correct "bad" behavior.

For what it's worth, I have two children who both have disabilities (one your step daughter's age, one a bit younger) and both still have problems with toilet training. 

This sort of thing can become a source of great shame and self loathing for these kids if not handled in a loving way.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> One thing jumped out at me from your post and that is that you said your step daughter is doing this on purpose.
> 
> I would really suggest you resist this temptation to ascribe intentionality to a child of this age.
> 
> ...


:iagree: I agree that her step daughter is not wetting herself on purpose. It's an involuntary response to emotions she is feeling.. like when she cried and wet herself when they had that talk yesterday. Apparently the talk hit her hard emotionally. Now it could be good hard or bad hard, but the step daughter felt it emotionally in a very deep way.


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## A_DelVeccio (Jan 13, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> One thing jumped out at me from your post and that is that you said your step daughter is doing this on purpose.
> 
> I would really suggest you resist this temptation to ascribe intentionality to a child of this age.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post, I really value everyone's input. I was a little hesitant about posting on this site because my marriage isn't going through as much as some of the posts I have read, however I wanted to get the point of view of a non biased third party and quite frankly it cheaper than a MC! I would rather that money spent on my children. My husband and I have a pretty solid marriage except for the last year with butting heads on the decisions he makes with his daughter. I became part of her life when she was two years old and we have been pretty close. Lately I was having issues with her father allowing her to control situations. There was a time we all planned to go to the beach and she decided she didn't want to go and wanted to go to the amusement park instead. I told her we were going and she would have fun! But because she threw a fit my husband stayed home with her and took her and I found out they went to the amusement park when my son and I left. (We planned this trip for a couple weeks and had a hotel room) Then, her class was going to a green house for a field trip. That morning she decided she didn't want to go because it would be boring so instead. My husband called the school and said she was not to go so she sat in the office and dad sent her DS for something to do. There were many issues like this. Then to add on the urinating issues, I didn't want to be frustrated with her as I fear there is a underlying cause hence why I pushed her to get checked out medically. Everything was normal thanks to God but the doctors also suggested her to see a therapist which my husband got upset about and told me to stay out of it. Ok - I understand BUT I think we should at least try a counselor just to make sure. Due to these issues my husband and I would butt heads and our communication cut down. I never thought of divorce but didn't feel our marriage was as good as it has been. He knows I wrote a post on here and he has read it. He was a little upset at first but he aknowledged my feelings and he actually went to the bible for guidance. We are not extreme church goers but value the Christian lifestyle. We sat down and talked and came to an agreement on ******. We gave each other safe boundaries and expectations. I also made sure to talk to ****** about how much I love her and I want her to be happy. I felt it was important for me to tell her these things and to remind her that she is very important to me. I also apologized for ever hurting her. 

Since this conversation with both her and my husband life feels so much better. My husband and I are back to how we were and he knows my heart was not to "punish" his daughter. ****** had one accident! Just one and I told her how proud I was of her and we had icecream for celebration! We have an appointment Thursday for her and I look forward to the healing.


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