# Need Male Input...How Do I Handle This Correctly?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay guys, need your help. I want to handle this correctly and not cause any further damage or do anything that busts my husband's ego more than I believe it is already.

Things are going really good and we've worked out a lot of issues (due to changes on my part and his also), and while our sex life is improving, I can still feel a wall (call it women's intuition), and at this point I'm not sure how to handle it correctly so I don't make things worse - so far what I'm doing is not making it worse, and there has been some improvement, but not quickly enough for me (maybe I need to be more patient). 

My husband has medical issues that have caused mental, emotional and physical disabilities. He is on 18 medications daily to control and help with these issues. None of this is his fault, he has suffered a brain injury that caused stroke-like symptoms. 

He has lost some feeling in his penile area and has ED, sometimes extreme, sometimes not. We've only had actual intercourse twice this year because he cannot complete the act. So, in order to try to restore our intimacy and his sexuality we tried other things to stimulate him. Mainly anal-type play and we've also done some swinging. This doesn't always work either, he has had ED problems during swinging (which means the problem isn't me - thank goodness - I know that might sound bad, but I was worried it was me), and sometimes he can have an erection during anal play and sometimes not. 

We've discussed this and I've reassured him that the fact that we can't have intercourse all the time is not an issue for me, that we can do other things and still maintain a sexual life within his limitations. But, he appears to be unable to get past this. He told me a few days ago that he "has to be able to perform." That he's a "man's-man" and has to be able to perform and that I don't understand.

I do understand that he has to perform and I understand how fragile his male ego is in this area, but how do I help him get past it? I've reassured him that we can work it out, we can do other things sexually, it's okay - not his fault, etc., but I can tell it's still a real issue for him. He looks at porn on the internet a lot, but I know he's not self-gratifying as he can't always keep it erect. He's always been a porn guy, even before the medical issues, I thought maybe that was the problem, but then realized that he can't perform with them either - so that isn't the real issue. 

We've been in counseling, he has admitted its an issue, but he just keeps saying "my d*** don't work." It does work, but the counselor has indicated that he has to use it or lose it to try and stimulate some nerve endings that have been short-circuited. We've tried several ED drugs and they do not work at all. So we have been the counseling and medication route.

Also, since this has become a real issue for him and me I've noticed that when we do become intimate that while he touches me, he sometimes will not touch me below the waist. Is this because he's afraid it will lead to me wanting intercourse and he can't complete it?

As you can imagine this is a really touchy issue for him (and I understand why) and we have discussed it, but I have to be careful how it's discussed so I don't damage his male ego any further. He knows that I am having difficulty without the intimacy and said last night that he was a loser and sucked and that maybe I should leave him. I told him I don't feel that way at all and that things are working, he just has to have more positive thoughts and that we need to keep working on it, and not give up.

So - how do I help him more than I have? I've experimented and brought other things into the bedroom that he likes and does enjoy - I'm doing toys, I'm doing dress up and role play, etc. But he is NOT as enthusiastic as he has been in the past and sometimes it feels like a chore to get him excited. And before you ask, he is also on AD - who wouldn't be with all that he has gone through. I know he misses it as he sometimes eludes to such and he wouldn't surf the internet for porn if he didn't so I really feel sorry for him but am at a loss as to how to help the situation if he can't be more positive, etc. Last night he made the first move and said he was trying to be more aggressive, but of course he was having ED issues so he had a good time with the anal play but I was ignored again.

I apologize for the long post, but wanted to make sure everyone had enough details to provide sound opinions and advice. 

Could he have lost his sexual interest in me and doesn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me or is it all his medical issues and he can't deal with them, let alone provide me what I need at the same time?

For any men out there with a similar issue, or any women whose spouse and/or SO have had this problem, what helped, other than what I'm doing? I'm still working with my counselor on this, but of course, unless you're my husband, it's hard to understand what he's going through.

Our marriage is doing great and we're both happier than we've been in a while, but this one issue is still casting a cloud over an otherwise happy marriage at this point (at least for me it is).

I have no intentions on leaving or "getting a boyfriend." I want my husband, it doesn't have to be the way it was (due to the medical issues, I've accepted our new normal), but it can be what we make of it, but it has to be "we," I can't do this alone.

Please help!!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm guessing he's already tried Viagra or similar medications. How does he feel about oral? Traditional intercourse isn't the "best" way to bring a woman to orgasm anyway. The idea is for you both to give and receive pleasure. If one way doesn't work, there are other options. I would personally feel more "manly" by getting my wife off 20 times by other means than getting her off once through traditional intercourse.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

We have tried several medications - Levitra, Cialis, Viagra - heck I just ordered the male enhancement drug Orexis - keeping my fingers crossed.

We love oral. But it always doesn't work either (for him), he loves BJs and I give him one whenever he wants, but, it doesn't always work (didn't work last night). He does oral on me also, but isn't as enthusiastic about that either and I have to ask now when it used to be him the one that went for it. 

From what he has said, he's afraid to get too "involved" with me as it might lead to something he can't do. So it really is his male need to perform that is getting in the way. I understand this is an important issue for men, I really do, but if it doesn't work right why not do the things that do? :scratchhead:

He says all I think about is sex anymore and he's right. I once saw someone on this post say "it's like air, you don't know how much you need it until you don't have any." That's the way I'm feeling about this issue so its foremost on my mind these days. He is trying to work on it, but it's like he's given up in a way.

I just want to help him (which helps me and us) and get things back on track to a new normal due to his issues. 

But what more can I do and not cause additional mental damage for him?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has an incredibly low sex drive, too. It is infuriating and I know you can get to the point where you dwell on sex like it's the only thing that matters. What helps me is to focus on what I really need from my wife. That's intimacy. If I only needed an orgasm, I could manage that myself. Sexual intimacy is vital and I can't do that myself. She might not be available for actual intercourse, but available for a bubble bath, a massage, or other things. Once I increased our level of non-intercourse related intimacy, I found that the frequency of actual intercourse didn't bother me nearly as much and that actually increased, too, because I quit bugging her about it and because non-threatening intimacy just sort of leads to sex sometimes. It also helps if I turn my focus away from what I'm lacking and focus instead on all the blessings I do have. The world is full of women who would roll in the rack with me and curl my toes, but they might not be as intelligent, not as creative, not as hard-working, honest, or as faithful as mine.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Unbelievable - great post and I agree with a lot of what you have said.

I don't think my husband's problem is low sex drive. In fact, I believe its a high as it ever was inside, but the outside isn't cooperating! 

He looks at porn so he must have a high sex drive. This has bothered me to no end as in my case, I need to feel wanted and desired or it affects my self-esteem (I'm sure I'm not the only woman that feels this way). I used to take it personally and still do, some, but even he has said it's not personal so I'm working on that and have been pretty successful. I understand with the porn he doesn't have to perform or fail with anyone so it satisfies his need to look because he doesn't have to touch.

I agree with the intimacy issue you brought up also. He is afraid of that as he says its always going to lead to something he might not be able to do...so he tends to shy away from that also. I do try to just touch him from an intimate, loving place and make sure it doesn't lead to something else, but that hasn't appeared to help solve the issue much, maybe I just need to be more patient.

He has said that he loves me, couldn't imagine life without me, but that he's messed up (mentally and physically), and is trying, but it's hard as things don't work like they used to (his mental acuity and his body).

I am counting my blessings. He has come a long way in his recovery - he couldn't walk or talk at first and I'm proud at how far he has come. I am blessed that he is still around and that our marriage is happier than its been in a while. So I do have a lot to be thankful for.

But, I need him - I need the intimacy and physical touching. Intercourse is not the issue, I just need the closeness and desire I feel from us being intimate (any type) and touching each other. 

I'm trying very hard to not pressure him and trying to let things work out, but its so hard, very frustrating and I feel undesired and unloved even though he tells me that he loves me very much.

I'll try massages (with no sexual overtones), and just touching to show I love him and expect nothing in return. Maybe this will take some pressure off of him or maybe that Orexis will actually work...

Anyway, thanks - it helps to just get it out there and get someone else's input.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It must be frustrating for him, too. He apparently still craves sex and turns to porn because he doesn't have to worry about disappointing anyone there. How sad. Maybe if you tried to explain to him that it's his closeness and tenderness you miss the most. He can brush your hair, massage your legs, give you pleasure in lots of different ways that don't have to involve sex. Just let him know that he's your man and sex or no sex, you'll always need his touch.


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay guys, need your help. I want to handle this correctly and not cause any further damage or do anything that busts my husband's ego more than I believe it is already.
> 
> Things are going really good and we've worked out a lot of issues (due to changes on my part and his also), and while our sex life is improving, I can still feel a wall (call it women's intuition), and at this point I'm not sure how to handle it correctly so I don't make things worse - so far what I'm doing is not making it worse, and there has been some improvement, but not quickly enough for me (maybe I need to be more patient).
> 
> ...


Your situation is complex but I'll give it a shot. First of all, have you ever tried to get him high on marijuana? - it enhances all feeling even more the feeling of intimacy....it also helps with stress, sleeping, and overall wellbeing. Make sure your husband eats right (a lot of smoothie fruits). To me males are kind of primal....are like monkeys...which means that if you provide him with a very primal visual, he may get really excited; for example, when in bed and with soft lighting, try to show him your behind (both entries) and open with your hands your butt-checks and ask him to stimulate you with a toy and lubricant as a favor to you...to me, this is one of the most primal basic instincts in men...we see this, and go bananas.....Also, talk to him and tell him all you feel. Tell him that it is important to accept your reality and move on...once you move on, you may be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel....you are a very good wife (no everyone go swinging) so be proud of how much you love your husband. The most important thing I see is the need for him to accept his reality and move on...only when he is able to do this, he'll be able to improve his life....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thanks marcopoly69 for the suggestions, I'll try anything!

I decided to speak with my husband again last night about this issue. I spoke in a non-threatening tone, said I was here and willing to help but that I needed him and that I wanted to support him but that I felt that he wasn't as invested in helping with the issue.

Well, that didn't work! Apparently he is tired of discussing it. He stated "look, I have enough issues to worry about with my problems and how to live a more productive life, sex is the last thing on my mind...I've told you that before." 

Okay, he's right, he has said that before, but...and I did point this out to him last night because for me, his words and actions don't compute. 

If SEX is the LAST THING ON HIS MIND RIGHT NOW...then why look at the porn on the internet? If he's not interested (and that's how I perceived what he said), then why the porn on the internet. His response to that was what? Yeah, I look at porn, but not all day and not all the time and you know, there's other things on the porn sites, such as weird pictures (now he's right there, one he goes to - stileproject - has all sorts of weird stuff and not just porn), jokes, stories, etc. I told him ok - I don't have an issue with the porn, but if you're interested enough to look at nameless, faceless people, then you're interested enough to look at the woman laying in bed next to you.

I then asked him point blank if he had lost sexual interest in me - to which he just rolled his eyes and said I'm done, I'm tired of discussing this.

So, as I said before it's an extremely touchy issue! I guess I'm going to just have to be less selfish and more patient. We are addressing all his meds with his doctor, so hopefully that will help when we reduce and/or change some of them.

I discovered he was taking three meds that increase seratonin, which could mean he has an overload which my research has shown can affect sexual desire. But then it could also be the multitude of others things he has to worry about (as he said and I'm putting pressure on him and those nameless, faceless people don't??).

I apologized to him and told him I really didn't want to put pressure on him, but that I needed him, but would work on being less selfish and more patient...he does have a lot to deal with and I guess I am being selfish if all I'm thinking about is sex, when he's worried about trying to walk without falling down!

Boy, sometimes its hard to not be selfish - isn't it? But, I'm going to try and just keep that personal relationship I have with the Energizer bunny going strong, we've gotten to be really close lately...:lol:


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## marcopoly69 (Sep 7, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Thanks marcopoly69 for the suggestions, I'll try anything!
> 
> I decided to speak with my husband again last night about this issue. I spoke in a non-threatening tone, said I was here and willing to help but that I needed him and that I wanted to support him but that I felt that he wasn't as invested in helping with the issue.
> 
> ...


It is very important that you understand that medication can take your life out of yourself - that's why I recommended marijuana because does not have any side effects that can change you sex drive...it does not have to be a lot or smoked - you can cook with it and give it to him...once he is enjoin the high/relaxation, just lie right beside him and listen to music - you too should try it....if it does not trigger sex, it will help you to talk more and see things in a different light, which helps a lot when a need for a solution is sough. Anyways, you need to stop taking about this issue since clearly he would love that this situation was different but he can't help to feel like this (all medication, ED, and head injury?? o boy! - how you tried to take pictures of yourself (like porn/ soft porn type?) and email them to him? - I do this with my wife and I know she likes them....she has sent me only one and I see it everyday....and it is very simple but still......make sure you cut the hair down there is such as way as to look like porn starts (I like it better too) and the whole idea is to stimulate him little by little and don't pressure him.....good luck!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

How is his general health?

Dr. Oz noted once in one of his shows if he wants to know how healthy his male patient is in front of him, all he has to do is ask about his pecker and how it's doing.

With men, the solution is simple to grasp, but difficult to execute.

1. Lose weight
2. Quit smoking
3. Exercise, with some weight training (I do push-ups and crunches now)
4. Normalize cholesterol levels with Omega-3's and/or a statin.
5. I fast regularly. . .that helps boners. I am completing a 36 hour fast right now.
6. Normalize circadian rhythms (sleep)

yes, he probably has a sex drive - it's the ol "the music is playing but I can't dance."


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, high blood pressure is a big boner killer - that is complex and if you do the above, often it will come down on it's own. . .but he may need an anti-hypertensive drug and that's complex.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with you both.

Yes, I do need to quit "talking about it." He said I'm making it worse and he's starting to feel that all I want is sex from him, which of course isn't true or I would have already hit the door!

I need to pull back and relax, it's just hard - I miss him so much. 

And yes, I'm working on the medication issue. We're working with his doctor to change out some meds and see if we can delete others and see how it goes. Not only my suggestion, but his too - he doesn't like how some of them make him feel and he thinks he takes too many (I agree).

I think trying to talk with him last night brought back his failure complex and he's down in the dumps today and I feel bad that it's my fault. 

So new day - I'm NOT GOING TO PRESSURE HIM ANYMORE. He knows what the problems are as well as I do - I'll just help behind the scenes (doctor and meds, etc.). I truly do not want him to feel like he's just a sex object - he's not, I'm just lonely and vibrators don't just cut it next to the real thing.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I would suggest this if you were my patients and talking to me about this:

Forget about sex for right now.

Both of you go on a health kick. Write out a vision (which would include sex) of what you would like to be as people. Then goals. Then plans.

Sleep, eat, and drink health for 2 years.

Focus on some other health goals and then sex will probably cum.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Intellectually, I do know it's probably sound advise, but it's a little unnerving to be deprived of sex for 6 months and finally, in desperation, go to a therapist only to be told to not think about sex (as therapist goes home and gets laid). That's a little like a starving kid coming to the hospital only to be put on a diet.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay unbelievable, that was funny - needed a good laugh today...:rofl:

But I do understand what scannerguard is saying. The focus I keep putting on sex in getting in the way of "us" and my husband's recovery. He has told me he feels pressured and of course since I'm not in his head and I don't have his problems, while I can emphathize, I cannot truly understand. So I'm learning that I don't have to understand, just need to back off.

I'm one of those type of people that want results NOW - I have been learning patience though, but with sex it's different. It's not like when I'm out of Diet Coke I can just run to Wal Mart and get some more.

I feel so bad that I've made him feel bad and sorry doesn't cut it - he's kind of a black/white type person and sorry doesn't always work with him. So he's down in the dumps and I'm getting the silent treatment - I hate the silent treatment - hell, scream or cuss at me, call me names, but don't give me the silent treatment - but that's how he is.

I'll just be patient and hopefully things will work out in the long run - just a lot of cold showers and a monthly shipment from Energizer in the meantime.

Thanks guys!


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