# Are you ok with your SO dancing with another guy



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

So here is an interesting question / topic. There was some wedding stuff shown on the news this morning that for whatever reason made me think back to a wedding I participated in quite some time ago. I was in the wedding party and my wife was not. At the reception after the bride and groom had their first dance, they had the bridal party go out to dance as well (slow dance). Instead of going out to the person I was paired off with I went to grab my wife. Maybe this seemed like a d$ck thing to do at the time but to me I had no interest in slow dancing with another woman (someone else did step in to dance with the Bridesmaid). In previous weddings I have participated in (including my own) after the couple danced typically everyone else would be welcomed to the dance floor with their date, so it just came across as odd to me (I don't know what is considered the norm with weddings).

In general though, I don't really find it appropriate to slow dance with someone else's spouse/SO (of course family members excluded, unless inbreeding is a possibility :surprise. For me at least, it has nothing to do about being insecure, maybe I have just more of an old fashioned viewpoint. Neither my wife or I are into the whole dance scene, so the only times we do ever dance is when we are slow dancing (except for some drunken grinding back in our college days :grin2. Slow dancing (and of course you could include other types of dances as well) does have an aspect of intimacy to it (obviously to varying degrees depending on where your hands, head, etc... are lol), so I don't really see a need to watch my wife share any sort of moment with another guy. Likewise she wouldn't want to see that as well (and she isn't concerned that some sex starved gymnast is going to sweep me off the dance floor lol).

So just curious what is everyone else's thoughts on this? Just to clarify as well, I am talking about in general, not specific to the Wedding scenario I described (was just an example that came to mind)


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

As part of the wedding party, you should have danced with the bridesmaid for tradition's sake. Not like you had to tongue kiss her.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> As part of the wedding party, you should have danced with the bridesmaid for tradition's sake. Not like you had to tongue kiss her.


What tradition? From all other weddings I have been to this was not tradition.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I agree that slow dancing should be reserved for one's SO under normal circumstances...

HOWEVER, in the case of a wedding, I don't see a thing wrong with one wedding-party dance with your paired up bridesmaid/groomsman. You can hold your partner more like a waltz rather than pressed up tight against their body. I would imagine the bridesmaid without her dance partner was left feeling pretty awkward and stupid searching for a partner. Plus your wife probably felt a bit odd being the only non-wedding party member on the dance floor.

Just my 2 cents.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> I agree that sexy slow dancing should be reserved for one's SO under normal circumstances...
> 
> HOWEVER, in the case of a wedding, I don't see a thing wrong with one wedding-party dance with your paired up bridesmaid/groomsman. You can hold your partner more like a waltz rather than pressed up tight against their body. I would imagine the bridesmaid without her dance partner was left feeling pretty awkward and stupid searching for a partner.
> 
> Just my 2 cents.


Agreed. I guess I should have worded my post more carefully. I was just curious in general what peoples' thoughts were, not specific to Weddings (just using that as the example I had in my head). I know some people who have no issues going out and dancing with other people that aren't their SO, yet others who would have an issue with


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't slow dance with anyone but Mrs. Conan. Ever. For any reason.

If it was her brother or father, I would not mind her dancing with them of course but another man would have his hand snapped off at the wrist.

Slow dancing is a very intimate activity for us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> What tradition? From all other weddings I have been to this was not tradition.


Really? All the weddings Ive been too have had this as part of the festivities.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Really? All the weddings Ive been too have had this as part of the festivities.


Yeah, that is why it caught me off guard as for all weddings I had been to everyone was invited to the dance floor, not specifically the wedding party at the end of the couples first dance.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> Agreed. I guess I should have worded my post more carefully. I was just curious in general what peoples' thoughts were, not specific to Weddings...


In that case, h*ll to the no!! 

Neither my SO nor I would ever even consider slow-dancing with someone else.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> What tradition? From all other weddings I have been to this was not tradition.


I have been to a LOT of weddings, and I've never seen this done. I think it's weird to have compulsory wedding party paired off with one another to dance. Especially if you don't really know the other person. To be forced to slow dance with someone you don't know can be hella awkward.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Dancing with other people is fine but a surprise "slow dance" for the wedding party seems to have been badly planned. 

It would have made me uncomfortable to do it myself.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Oh, and personally, I would never want to slow dance with anyone other than my partner, if I had one.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Concerning weddings. If I'm invited to be part of one it has always been officiating. I was always a ring bearer as a kid. Never been a groomsman so guess I never had to deal with that tradition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think you may be mistaken about the concept of only dancing with your spouse/SO being somehow old-fashioned. In the days when dances were the mainstay of social events, it would have been thought odd to the point of incivility for a man to dance only with his wife or intended. A gentleman who wouldn't dance was less than useless to a hostess and considered rudely unsociable by his peers. Of course, those dances were taught, and the rules of them were clearly understood by everyone involved, so there was little untoward if the rules were adhered to. 

We're not talking about grinding or necking on the dance floor - which would be inappropriate and tacky even in the absence of a romantic partner to whom such might be offensive. And a "slow" dance with a partner you're not going home with that evening necessitates a more formal hold and a bit of breathing room between partners. But it's not like you'd be babymaking there on the parquet tiles. You chat, you ask about their family, discuss work, whatever - it's a polite and largely meaningless social interaction, similar to if you'd been seated next to them at dinner. There's nothing wrong with dancing with a friend, relative, or even a stranger who asks politely and keeps things grope-free. 

Now, I will say that most of my exposure to dancing is generally in the context of a more formal setting such as a wedding or party, sometimes just at a beach music concert. The culture I grew up in still expects people to dance as part of their social repetoir. As long as no one's being creepy about it, no one thinks twice about a man or woman dancing with someone not their spouse.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Every wedding I've been to, the bride and her father take the floor first, then the groom comes in and takes over with the bride, then the groomsmen and bridesmaids are invited out, then like 30 seconds later they open the floor to everyone. At that point, the groomsmen and bridesmaids usually ditch each other. When I was a groomsman we went over it at rehearsal, so it didn't really come as a shock.

Other than the wedding situation though--I agree. Slow dancing with someone else is not a great idea. Or fast dancing if it involves grinding crotches.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Fozzy said:


> Every wedding I've been to, the bride and her father take the floor first, then the groom comes in and takes over with the bride, then the groomsmen and bridesmaids are invited out, then like 30 seconds later they open the floor to everyone. At that point, the groomsmen and bridesmaids usually ditch each other. When I was a groomsman we went over it at rehearsal, so it didn't really come as a shock.
> 
> Other than the wedding situation though--I agree. Slow dancing with someone else is not a great idea. Or fast dancing if it involves grinding crotches.


Interesting, mine have been the opposite. Any rehearsals were done just for the church portion. The Bride/Groom have the first dance and then at the end the rest of the guests are invited to the dance floor. At some point afterwards the guy dances with his mom and the gal with her dad. After that the groom then disappears and has a search party out looking for him :grin2:


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

If it is tradition, it should not be and it is an inconsiderate one. 

I would not care if it was a tradition or not. If someone is inconsiderate of other couples at a dance by surprising them with an awkward choice in front of crowd I don't mind going my own way regardless of what "peer pressure" wants me to do. 

Lots of cheating and kookups go on at weddings. Im not saying it's a reason but it could be the start of an opening. 

I am sure it was awkward for the bridesmaid but that got worked out. Awkward for your wife? Possible but doubtful, She likely felt valued more by the decision.

This kind of bone headed moment causes fights when a couple is struggling and is therefore rotten to be responsible for it 

Shame on the wedding planner whoever that was. 

I can hear it now "Honey I am so sorry I couldn't go to the wedding with you. Did you have a good time without me? Why yes I did. I slow danced with the bridesmaid. She let her hands wander all over me so I phucked her in the bathroom and I am leaving you now" LOL


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I could see a trusted friend if there was some breathing room as Rowan puts it. A stranger? Hell no!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

It depends. Dancing with the bridesmaid/groomsman because of the tradition is one thing. Intentionally grabbing another one to have a slow-dance with, is another thing - with which I don't put up. 
In your case OP, you disrespected the bridesmaid as if you would have had sex with her on the dance-floor.
In other cases, if my SO would have a slow-dance with another woman (who's not a relative) then I'd be offended. Slow-dances are intimate and cannot be shared with everyone. 

Even at the club, I see my girlfriends have slow-dances with guys they have just met. To me this doesn't make sense to be honest.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I have seen the wedding party dance but it was not slow dance butt grinding. It was more like ballroom dancing with plenty of space between.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Historically, I've not been what you might call a Fred Astaire! As far as dancing is concerned, I would have no problems with my SO doing the "cotton-eye-joe" with some other guy, but I'd draw the proverbial line in the sand at her slow dancing with another guy!

And thinking back, my RSXW never seemed to have a problem slow dancing with other guys when we were married! Maybe that was just a precursor of things to later come along!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

thread the needle said:


> This kind of bone headed moment causes fights when a couple is struggling and is therefore rotten to be responsible for it


Interesting, didn't think of that. Yeah, I could definitely see this just adding fuel to the fire if the relationship is already on shaky ground.



lovelygirl said:


> In your case OP, you disrespected the bridesmaid as if you would have had sex with her on the dance-floor.


IDK, I don't see any disrespect. This is not my tradition, was not the norm from what I had experienced. You could argue it was disrespectful of the bride/groom to expect myself and others to slow dance with a stranger


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sure, no problem to slow dance with someone else. We've taken dance lessons for various slow styles - from salsa to waltz or tango. Whether it's in class, at dance socials, or other public dances we'll dance with others. Of course, these are not the same kind of dancing as _gluing yourself to someone at the groin and swaying back and forth_!


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

the disrespect started when the planner assumed it would be OK to arrange intimate touching with those other than SO's 

Insisting on the planner respecting Richards values by him asserting what he was comfortable with is the necessary move needed to right a wrong for the sake of his wife and his relationship.

It is also worth noting that Richard's move was a teachable moment for others that hopefully some have benefitted from that you don't have to go with the flow or crowd if the flow or crowd is wrong or an affront to your values

The teachable moment also might help the next planner to get a clue what is appropriate

I know my wife would feel more valued if I followed Richard's lead and I like doing that for her. Sorry bridesmaid, I don't want to compound an error. Take it up with the planner


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Now that I'm thinking about this, I do recall some etiquette from back when I was planning my wedding. Regarding the wedding party, it is one of the groomsmen's responsibilities to dance with various female guests (and not just their date/partner); to guarantee that ladies attending solo and/or women whose husbands refuse to dance will have the opportunity to dance and enjoy themselves at the wedding.

I did a little more research on this today, and the groomsmen are also expected to dance with their respective bridesmaid during the bridal party dance, if there is one. (It's apparently not a super common practice.)

So, EllisRedding, you did commit quite the faux pas by ditching the bridesmaid during the bridal party dance. But... if you didn't know then, it means that the groom didn't fully inform you of your duties in advance, so you can't really be blamed for not knowing the etiquette. It's specialized etiquette that not many people know anyway, unless they look it up because they're planning a wedding or they are reading a thread like this on TAM.

All that being said, I still think it's hella awkward slow dancing with someone you don't know, and I'd still prefer to only dance with my partner. So I think the etiquette is kind of bullsh!t. I mean, I'm a big fan of decorum, etiquette, and social graces... but some of it is just outdated, and I think this but falls under that category. The whole point of this rule/guidelines probably harkens back to when the only kind of dancing at a wedding was couple's dances--so if a groomsman didn't dance with a single lady, she didn't get to dance at all the entire night. But that's not the case anymore; while there are some couple's dances at weddings still, MOST of the music is party/group dance type music--so someone without a date has plenty of opportunities to get up there and dance.

So, REALLY, what I am trying to say is this... EllisRedding, you fvcked up, but it doesn't really matter because no one really cares except the person who actually bothered to look up the etiquette


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You can slow dance with a woman and still have space in between. I've danced with other women when I was married and my wife danced with other men. It wasn't a sex act. It was a dance.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Its also worth noting that stupid etiquette rule was established when women were expected culturally to be less assertive and independent. Today if a woman wants to dance she dances. If she wants to dance with a man she asks him. That was also before statistics had been compiled about all the things people do that they promised they wouldn't like cheating. Talk about outdated. Ya think?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

thread the needle said:


> I know my wife would feel more valued *if I followed Richard's lead* and I like doing that for her. Sorry bridesmaid, I don't want to compound an error. Take it up with the planner


Who is Richard? :scratchhead: Do you mean Ellis?

:lol:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Who is Richard? :scratchhead: Do you mean Ellis?
> 
> :lol:


UhOh! His cover is blown!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Who is Richard? :scratchhead: Do you mean Ellis?
> 
> :lol:


Lol, wasn't sure if he was calling me Richard short for d$ck :grin2:


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> I have seen the wedding party dance but it was not slow dance butt grinding. It was more like ballroom dancing with plenty of space between.


yep...think of how two little kids 'slow dance' in cute wedding pictures...kind of arms length apart.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FeministInPink said:


> So, REALLY, what I am trying to say is this...* EllisRedding, you fvcked up, *but it doesn't really matter because no one really cares except the person who actually bothered to look up the etiquette


Lol, guess I should have left my wedding example out of my OP 

Fortunately I don't think I myself or my wife will have any more wedding party duties in the future except as a parent, so I won't have to make these tough decisions :grin2:


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ReidWright said:


> yep...think of how two little kids 'slow dance' in cute wedding pictures...kind of arms length apart.


Realize it can be awkward for both. By and large both ballroom dance with space between. At least in my experience.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Maybe I am too lenient, but I wouldn't care in the least if my spouse danced with others...even slow dancing. It is just moving on the floor. They are not going all out at it.

We've done ballroom classes and it was common practice to dance with everyone in the class.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

bbdad said:


> Maybe I am too lenient, but I wouldn't care in the least if my spouse danced with others...even slow dancing. It is just moving on the floor. They are not going all out at it.
> 
> We've done ballroom classes and it was common practice to dance with everyone in the class.


I'm a life long dancer, so when I met my husband, this was something he needed to understand about me...I will always be dancing, which means I will be in the arms of other men for 3 minutes at a time, on a regular basis.

He gets it. He's seen me dance before. Even if it looks like something sexy is going on, it isn't. It is just a dance. I can't help it if I look FABULOUS. 

He knows how to dance a little, but didn't have any interest in learning more, so I go without him. I do tend to stay away from guys who I know may be interested in more than dancing with me.

He would not feel the same if I was going out to a dance club, drinking and dancing with total strangers. That wouldn't be ok with him, or me.

To dance at a wedding wouldn't be a big deal for either of us.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Take it from a deejay...do a lot of weddings.

Tradition is the bride/groom dance, father/daughter, son/mother, then the bridal party (who are paired with in the bridal party), then the dance floor is opened up to the guests.

This traditional opening of the dance floor is being replaced slowly with less traditional opening of the dance floor.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bbdad said:


> Maybe I am too lenient, but I wouldn't care in the least if my spouse danced with others...even slow dancing. It is just moving on the floor. They are not going all out at it.
> 
> We've done ballroom classes and it was common practice to dance with everyone in the class.


I guess no right or wrong here. Just different personal cultures and boundaries. Slow dancing is very sexy and intimate to me. We haven't been part of ballroom dancing though. If we ever do, we might have to change our view point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am an outlier here, I guess. I would think of nothing of my husband doing something like a wedding dance, waltz or whatever, or the buoy dance or whatever, under any circumstances.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I've worked my fair share of weddings...and it is pretty traditional to pair off the groomsmen and bridesmaids as has been said. It's one thing when everyone knows everyone, but if it's a large wedding and everyone comes from another place...it can quickly amount to you having to dance with a stranger.

When I was best man, I danced very briefly with the maid of honor like a sir. I was fine, but she found it too awkward after 10 seconds and wanted to run off to hubby. Must have been my raw masculinity that scared her. lol.


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