# Help I'm Hurting-Wife One Night Stand(s)



## Gregor

It's been a week and 1 day and my wife confessed to me that she had a one night stand. 

Let me back up, we've been married 12 years and have 4 young kids. We met in college and when we married I was 22 and she was 25. A year into our marriage, I found out she was having an affair. I wanted to divorce her as it was so early but I couldn't bring myself to it and she was remorseful. We got through it - or so I thought. Fast forward to present day. Just recently I had to conduct a big project at work. We live on the east coast but she is from Hawaii. During this past summer she and the kids spent time in HI while I worked. While in HI, she would go clubbing every other week with her sister and cousins (all single/divorced btw). While there during that month she had 2 ONS with 2 different guys on 2 separate occasions. One of them was in the guys car near the club parking lot and the other was at a guys hotel nearby the club in Waikiki. She told me about the ONS with the guy in the car because it was unprotected sex and recently (she is back from HI now) she had a paps-mere and it came back positive for STD (something called HPV) so she wanted to tell me before I found out on my own. She was remorseful and cried alot and just 2 days ago, I told her if she wants to get it right to tell me if that was the only incident and with much reluctance she told me about the other ONS with a different guy she met at the bar and went back to his hotel. She didn't want to tell me about him because they wore a condom and the other situation was already bad enough and she didnt' want to hurt me more. In both cases she was madly drunk and admitted to just lusting.

She tells me its not me and she is beating herself up over what she did to me and the kids. I want to forgive her but I did once before and I don't know if I can. Sometimes I want to and don't want to be with anyone else but her and other times I'm so angry and hurt and don't want to see her...all while we are shielding our 4 kids from all this. I know the onus is 100% on her because she made this decision. I didn't think our marriage was on the rocks up until this point and she says it wasn't either, just that she was drunk and being stupid.

The thing is, this hurts so much, I haven't told anybody but I'm constantly tortured by images of her being entered by other men, them getting pleasure out of my wife. Her braking our vows again and trying to go through all this when I thought I would never have to again...thought we got it out of our way early in our marriage the first time she did this. Some dudes are now bragging to their buddies on how they scored and I wallow in anguish over the love of my life and mother of my children. It bothers me they don't know what they did to our family, hell she doesn't even remember their names. It hurts me that she didn't think of our kids or if she did, that she could block them out when she spread herself for these guys. I don't know why I'm telling you all, but I stumbled on here googling other folks that been through this. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions...need to hear from folks out there with any kind of advice...hell I don't even know what to ask....i'm just utterly lost. 

I have thoughts of just taking a vacation to thailand or hong kong and just have as much sex as I can. I know that will make things worse but i'm so hurt and I don't know how to make it go away. I hate being a victim to this again and I have evil thoughts to make her feel what I'm going through. Other times I feel sorry for her. I just love her and wish I didn't.


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## Natalie

Heart breaking for you! 

Look - it`s still early days. You are going to be swinging backwards and forwards for quite some time to come. Give yourself time, read some of the fab comments on here, and sooner or later you will know what to do. 

Big hugs to you and your kids. My husband is a serial cheater. your wife has no idea how lucky she is to have you!


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## sharkeey

The woman has cheated on you multiple times over a long period of time. She may have only told you about the ones she had to tell you about. There could easily have been others.

The writing is on the wall, it's BEEN on the wall.

If you forgive her she's only going to do it again. 

You gave her a chance, and now your hand has been forced. 

Of course this is only my opinion, it's easy to say it from where I sit but I can't imagine any way to fix this one.


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## sandc

So sorry you're here first off.

Second, if she admitted to two ONS's then there were probably more. I would take time to think about this if I were you.

Would she have told you if she didn't contract the STD? (Incidentally this isn't too harmful for you but could cause cervical cancer in her depending upon the strain she contracted)

Does she seem remorseful about what she did or is she just sorry that she had to admit this to you? 

She has the mentality of a serial cheater. Without help she will do this again. It's just a matter of time. You will have to watch her like a hawk for the rest of your marriage. Is this what you want?

Remember that nothing you did caused her to cheat. This is 100% on her. You were out working to support her and the kids and she goes on vacation and starts acting like you don't even exist. 

If you do decide to Reconcile, then...

Did her family know? Whoever she was clubbing with, did they know? She cuts them off. Period. She tells her family what happened.

She goes completely transparent with all passwords to phone, facebook, email, etc.

No more girls night out, ever again. EVER. AGAIN.

She calls you and tells you where she is, where she is going, how long she'll be there, etc.

She gets individual counseling to figure out why she did this. Why she KEEPS doing this.

She volunteers any and all details you want. She even submits to a polygraph test if that's what it takes. No arguments.

And there are many other things she needs to do. She will have to do the heavy lifting here, not you.

But first you need to decide if this is even what you want. Think long and hard about this. There is no need to rush into a decision one way or the other. Your mind will change several times anyway.


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## JCD

This isn't a one night stand. 

It's a TWO night stand...at least.

And if it wasn't for the HPV, it seems you wouldn't have been informed about this either. See how much she is calling her sister and friends in Hawaii to set up an alibi.

If you'd like to give your wife an unambiguous message about how seriously you are taking this and how little her word means to you, DNA test your children.

Do it in front of her. Let her mull that. Ask her if there is anything else she wants to disclose because her window of opportunity is getting VERY small.

I'd get the name of the clubs she went to and get the names of some PI's in Hawaii.

Wow. So her 'answer' is that she just fell in lust. Ask her how often she falls in lust when you're at work or away.


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## Jonesey

Sorry that you had be here

Bt read this
*she would go clubbing every other week with her sister and cousins (all single/divorced btw)*


*told me about the ONS with the guy in the car because it was unprotected sex and recently (she is back from HI now) she had a paps-mere and it came back positive for STD (something called HPV) so she wanted to tell me before I found out on my own. *

Only because she had to,no intention off telling at all

*She was remorseful and cried alot and just 2 days ago*
Sorry this is not remorse..Guilt,scared,more to the story..Very likely..


AGAIN nNO PLAN OF TELLING
told her if she wants to get it right to tell me if that was the only incident and with much reluctance she told *me about the other ONS with a different guy she met at the bar and went back to his hotel. **She didn't want to tell me about him because they wore a condom and the other situation was already bad enough and she **didnt' want to hurt me more.* *In both cases she was madly drunk and admitted to just lusting.*



Im sorry but there are more to this..She did not want to hurt you


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## Jonesey

May is ask you the first affair ,what kind?


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## keko

I don't believe it was only 2 one night stands. I also don't believe she only went clubbing ever other week. With toxic sister/cousin/friends you can be pretty damn sure she was out wh0ring herself every few days. 

Look at it this way, she's away from her husband, emotionally vulnerable, next to toxic friends and in a warm climate, vacation spot, perfect for stranger sex with no strings attached. Do you really think once she tasted the single life of her younger days she would only stop at 2 guys for the month she was there? 

It's probably too late but if she hasn't deleted her emails, text messages and call logs, you might find a few more guys in there.

Now as for giving her another chance one night stands are much harder to overcome because they are not like the normal emotional to physical affairs where you can pick up on the signs when it's in the emotional stage and prevent it from going into physical. By having ONS with strangers you can be sure she'll do it again whether it be the next time she goes to Hawaii or another vacation, or even the next time you two argue. It is not about being drunk or stupid, it's just she lacks the basics of commitment and some morality.

For the last part of your post I would strongly disencourage you to have an affair of your own to get back at her. That will stoop you down to her level and nothing else. You can and should expose what she did everyone close to you but that's as far as you should go in getting back at her. Otherwise you'll lose your dignity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung

Give her a copy of the divorce papers, kick her out of the house now, wait till the middle of January and ask her if she has her head out of her bottom?


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## Will_Kane

Toxic friends and relatives can be a very powerful influence. Even as an adult, there is a tendency to go with the flow. I envision other men hitting on the bunch of them, with the others egging your wife on with, "you go, girl" "you deserve it" "hit that thing" "what 'husband name' doesn't know won't hurt him" and "what happens in HI stays in HI."

The first thing I think I'd want to do if I were in your shoes would be to separate the way she acted in HI from the way she acts at home. Does she have any "toxic" friends at home? Does she go out on girls' nights' out at home? Does she go out without you? If so, is there drinking involved?

Next, do you have access to her phone, computer, email, facebook, etc.? Have you looked at her emails, text messages, facebook messages, browser history? Have you looked at the cell phone bill to see if there are an unsual amount of calls/texts to a number you don't know?

She probably is not cheating on you at home, but it's worth checking out just to be sure.

As far as how many times she cheated on you in HI, what if there were more than two? What if there were three? Or five? Would it matter? It's possible it was only two times; it's also possible it was more.

Getting over this and getting rid of the mind movies: That's the toughest one yet. How did you get over it the first time she cheated on you early in the marriage? Chances are, that's the same way you'll get over this. My guess is that it will be the passage of time that does the most good. That and the avoidance of any "triggers" and her willingness to help you get over it by not blaming you, being apologetic, doing things to show you she lusts after you.


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## Will_Kane

Another thing I almost definitely would do is to contact your wife's parents and her aunts and uncles, the parents of her cousins, to let them know what went on while your wife visited HI. Let them know it's a shame, but how could your wife ever again visit without you being there?

I would ask your wife to limit contact with those who were involved in encouraging her adultery to just what is necessary to keep up on family events, niece and nephew events, etc., and to show you all messages to and from them. If you're not comfortable with what she is messaging them about, she should not do it to help you get over this.


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## Kasler

Wife is not remorseful. She only told you because she caught HPV and you were gonna find out eventually. If she never caught anything she was never gonna tell you.

She has most likely been cheating throughout your whole marriage.

Always always always divorce if theres infidelity early on in the marriage. Biggest black flag in the book of someone unfit to be married. 

You may think its only once at the time but years down the road you're most likely gonna get this.=/


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## AngryandUsed

First of all, read the newbies link.

See your doctor, take precautions/ treatment for STD.

You are in the early stages of turmoil. Take care not to take any quick decisions. You did make a decision early in the marriage, when she cheated.

This is not 2 one night stands. Years before she did cheat. Probably for many years.

So, take care of yourself. She is not a worthy wife. She did not respect the vows.

It will take long for you to overcome the anger, mental images.

Let me also tell: No revenge cheating.


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## warlock07

Make her take a polygraph. She threw you some crumbs about a second ONS because you wouldn't believe her "only one ONS" story She was very likely cheating on you through the marriage and many ONS. Check for evidence in her mails, phone records and texts if you can. She remembers their names but is protecting them and the real truth from reaching you

And you should probably divorce her and find a good decent women instead of taking risks by going to Thailand etc


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## Stonewall

warlock07 said:


> Make her take a polygraph. She threw you some crumbs about a second ONS because you wouldn't believe her "only one ONS" story She was very likely cheating on you through the marriage and many ONS. Check for evidence in her mails, phone records and texts if you can. She remembers their names but is protecting them and the real truth from reaching you
> 
> And you should probably divorce her and find a good decent women instead of taking risks by going to Thailand etc


This!


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## Chaparral

You definitely need to check her phone records as far back as you can. You can also find deleted messages for many smart phones.

Does she go out on girls nights out at home? Other vacations without you?


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## MrK

I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER understand men who post on this sight calling husbands controlling for not wanting their wives to go clubbing.

NEVER!!!!!

The clubbing wives I understand. They don't want the gravy train to stop. But the cuckold husbands, never.


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## SomedayDig

MrK said:


> I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER understand men who post on this sight calling husbands controlling for not wanting their wives to go clubbing.
> 
> NEVER!!!!!
> 
> The clubbing wives I understand. They don't want the gravy train to stop. But the cuckold husbands, never.


Agreed. I hated every time, even though it was maybe twice a year, that Regret had a GNO with her friends. All of them married to boot. All of them now former friends. Funny f'ng thing is that it always seems that they wanna do GNO but you never hear of a Guys Night Out...only golf or some other kind of day sporting event.

I told Regret, who now sees it, how sad it must look to all the 20 somethings seeing the 30/40 somethings trying to recapture their youth and not grow up.

OP...your wife has given you the tip of the iceburg. If she cheated so early in your marriage and now you find out so long into it, you can never be sure of what has gone on throughout. Hate to put that thought in your mind, but it's just the kind of crap you've gotta take a serious look at.


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## Kallan Pavithran

Schedule a Paternity test for your Kids and
Schedule a Polygraph.

She confessed only because she had to, She didnt want to confess about the other ONS because she used a condom. How many ONS or cheating she didnt told you because she used a condom?


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## louhazosc

michzz said:


> And she has likely infected you with HPV.
> 
> I think you ought to dump her. She has no love or respect for you.


Kind of off topic and not really helping you but please read up on HPV and don't base it on random posts.
One - The percent of women that have HPV is huge. Base line statement is that if you've had sex with more than one person in your life time you have it. There are over 100 strains of it and insanely easy to contract. I personally have never dated a woman without it in the past 10 years.
Two - HPV in men is nothing. Well, almost nothing. Genital warts can happen but for the most part you will never exhibit symptoms. The biggest concern goes for women as it can lead to cervical cancer.

I barely even scratched the surface. Do your own reading from the CDC or other reliable scientific and medical sources, not yahoo answers.


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## theroad

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Schedule a Paternity test for your Kids and
> Schedule a Polygraph.
> 
> She confessed only because she had to, She didnt want to confess about the other ONS because she used a condom. How many ONS or cheating she didnt told you because she used a condom?


Yes these are must do actions for you to take.

Her past cheating from the beginning require a paternity test for all of your kids. She has shown a history of affairs. A history of cheating bare back.

A polygraph to get to the truth out about all of her affairs. You have only been snown the tip of the ice berg.

Has WW had any other trips home without you?

Then you must send emails, and letters to WW family, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, thanking them for not helping to protect your marraige, you, and WW, when you entrusted your WW to be there without you.

Continue with that knowing now that they do not have your back protected WW can never go back to Hawaii only ever again.


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## sandc

Gregor,
Are you still with us? I know this is a lot to digest. Ask questions. Give us a sign.


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## tom67

JCD said:


> This isn't a one night stand.
> 
> It's a TWO night stand...at least.
> 
> And if it wasn't for the HPV, it seems you wouldn't have been informed about this either. See how much she is calling her sister and friends in Hawaii to set up an alibi.
> 
> If you'd like to give your wife an unambiguous message about how seriously you are taking this and how little her word means to you, DNA test your children.
> 
> Do it in front of her. Let her mull that. Ask her if there is anything else she wants to disclose because her window of opportunity is getting VERY small.
> 
> I'd get the name of the clubs she went to and get the names of some PI's in Hawaii.
> 
> Wow. So her 'answer' is that she just fell in lust. Ask her how often she falls in lust when you're at work or away.


I second that DNA the kids just to show what you think of her right now and I hope they are yours.


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## Memento

Compulsive and unremorseful cheater. If she had any remorse about what she did, she would not have repeated 2 times more. And those 3, are what you know.


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## Plan 9 from OS

OP, aside from the betrayal and the fact she gave herself to other men, will you be able to live with her having HPV? That will be with her for the rest of your life, and every time you have sex with her you run the risk of getting it too. Maybe it's just me, but if you are skanky enough to get an STD - especially one that never goes away - then you are not the girl for me.


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## Gregor

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy

You no know your wife was not at all remorseful from her affair. True remorse changes a person. It changes them such that they feel actual pain themselves at the thought of betraying their spouse again.


She wasn't remorseful.

She has continued o cheat for likely your entire marriage, and at least one of the kids is another mans.

She got an std this time, have you asked her why she got tested? So she warned you that you are likely infected too.

Also if she had remorse she wouldn't have cheated for sure the third time at the guys hotel.

Only now that you've seen a part of truth is she guilty and sorry. Certainly not enough to not cheat the third time. Her remorse is false, and any tears are lies.

Your wife chose to go out without you to these clubs specifically to drink and meet men. She set out with her family in support to cheat, and now she is infected with a sex disease which has no cure, and is something she will infect all future partners with. So she wants you to let her come back and continue her happy life, including going out with these same relatives.

Has she stopped drinking? Has she stopped going out without you? Has she admitted to the family that she left you at hone while she got dressed up and picked up men in clubs?

Or as she cried a little, said poor poor me I'm the victim, but I shouldn't have to change anything because of course you can trust me...


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## Toffer

Wow

Just wow

As others have said she had two affairs in the short time she was away

Kick her to the curb
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH

Hmmm.....Where have i heard this story before.

GNO with sisters/cousins, only good fun and to blow off steam. No big deal, husband should be understanding and not so controlling.

Only drink, maybe dance with guys for fun, can't recall if I got groped or not but if I did I would yell at the guy and leave.....Nothing ever happens.

Same with guys night out at bars/strip clubs.

It's all in good fun and we just need that fun and time apart to recharge.

Don't take her back, you gave her a chance already. If you take her back she'll cheat again, I can guarantee it.

If you take her back and tell her no more going to HI alone, no more GNO, she'll just hate you for being a controlling jerk in the future. Right now she'll be nice to suck up to you so you don't kick her to the curb. But eventually she resent you for not letting her have a life.

Same story, nothing new.

Don't give cheaters a 2nd chance, it's a one time deal guys. The minute you give me a 2nd chance

P*ssy, they'll take me back the next time also. And if you finally do get the backbone to kick us to the curb, we'll blubber and throw out the croc tears but we could easily turn around and say FU and move on with our life. We might screw up our life but don't care, as long as I'm making me happy at this precise moment, don't really care about tomorrow.

BTW, usually having kids will make some people actually think, hmmm I have someone more important to worry about now. But the ones who don't learn or don't change even with kids, you're screwed. When a spouse can cheat without a 2nd thought about their kids and how it will affect them, they don't give a *bleep* about anything but themselves.

Can't fix that, don't want to stay around and try to fix that either IMO. But if you were born a saint, have at it.


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## mel123

warlock07 said:


> And you should probably divorce her and find a good decent women instead of taking risks by going to Thailand etc


:iagree:

You deserve "a good decent women" If you go out and have a revenge A..... f**k1ng women in Thailand, a good woman wont want you.

Revenge sex will not make the pain go away


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## MattMatt

mel123 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You deserve "a good decent women" If you go out and have a revenge A..... f**k1ng women in Thailand, a good woman wont want you.
> 
> Revenge sex will not make the pain go away


:iagree:

In fact, a revenge affair can make the pain far worse. And I speak from bitter personal experience.


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## Gregor

Thank you all for your support and advice. Believe me, I am taking it to heart. I think the most important take away thus far for me is NO REVENGE SEX. I was on a destructive path and my mind in a dark place and I just can't compromise my integrity...of course I knew in my heart but I needed to hear it from others, and it struck my heart. I have made a firm decision and will not having sex of any kind like that.

Regarding the status of our situation, after reading these post, I was naive to think she told me everything. Today we talked and I mentioned if I don't know what she did I would always wonder and you guessed it, she had more ONS'. She told me everything, which after reading your posts, I can't say I'm shocked...I was well mentally prepared and in a way at peace...now that I truly know what kind of person/personality she is. Your posts prepared me for the storm that came today. 

Every fiber in me still wants to fix this and I want her around and I don't want to divorce or be apart from her but I know now who I'm dealing with and I need time to figure out if I want to endure life with such a person or move on. I will admit, I still don't know yet.

I was feeling really down that my family is destroyed and if divorce, I would possibly be separated from my kids and I felt guilty about putting them through this. The more and more I read, I guess it is not me and I shouldn't bare this load of wrongdoing. As such, my wife and I spoke and I said I don't know if I we should divorce, however I can't be with her. She cried up a storm...but moreover I reminded her, this is because of her actions and she needs to take responsibility. I've informed her that she needs to leave our family...she needs to be alone and figure her life out. She's been praying and wants to get back involved in church again. I said that's fine but regardless she needs to leave our family for now and whether she turns her life for the better or not, genuinely, she needs to do it on her own. I think the kids and I have been a distraction in a sense. Our kids are her world, hell she even cried because we got a hotel one Valentines night, just her and I and she missed our youngest son so much (he's a big time momma's boy - just turned 2). As you can imagine, the thought of being apart from them (long term) kills her. 

Nonetheless, I told her she needs to own up and leave. As you can imagine, she is beyond disturbed (and it makes me sad for her), but not for our family, we'll need to move on and if several months down the line, she's cleared her head and I mine, maybe I can take her back. Otherwise, I will have to move on. The timing is such that because of my work I have to move to the midwest, so I told her the kids are coming with me and she can either stay here in the east coast or go back to HI. I'm not too worried anymore if she wh0res around, at this point she has to deal with and live with herself...something only she can figure out if she wants that kind of life. Time will tell. Let's be clear, I'm not the vindictive type, or doing this to get back at her, we need our space and she needs to take responsibility. Forgiving her, taking her back and moving on like it never happened is not the answer for me. I know now, I've tried that before and it failed...she got comfortable (as she has confessed) and did it again. Unless God changes her, I have no doubts she will do it again and again in the future...that is her personality. 

By no means do I have it figured all out but I will definitely update status as I move along. Today has been a good day for me, I feel my life is getting more in control and since this ONS stuff was new ground for me, hearing from you all has helped more than you could POSSIBLY know. I need all opinions and perspectives, good bad and indifferent....it all helps me. Thank you - from a guy just embarking on a long road of healing.


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## JCD

I think this is wise. You have not divorced her yet, because people can change. But removing her from your life gives her the wake up call that she truly needs. Guessing she has a FEW ONS. It's like a Lay's potato chip. If you like them at all, you can't eat just one.

But...you are talking about taking her cubs. Do not expect this to be too easy. She might push the D button all on her own and go for full custody. These are choices and battles that may lie ahead for you. She is going along with what you are saying NOW because of guilt but expect that to burn away very quickly as she packs each box.

Since you are supposedly offering the possibility of R, you need to think hard about what you want and expect from her. Frankly, I'm at a loss at what she can do to 'fix' things or prove an internal change, but it's you on the ground facing the foe, so I'll just suggest that you stay honest and think hard about what is going to happen.

Personally, I would NOT offer a possible R if you can't see yourself ever getting together with her again, but that's me.


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## walkonmars

For reconcilliation

AA. Booze is out. Cold turkey
Trips to Hi alone? Out
FB / email - out
Confession in writing 

For starters -


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## Machiavelli

Agreed: Polygraph, DNA


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## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> Agreed: Polygraph, DNA


:iagree::iagree:


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## jim123

Gregor said:


> Thank you all for your support and advice. Believe me, I am taking it to heart. I think the most important take away thus far for me is NO REVENGE SEX. I was on a destructive path and my mind in a dark place and I just can't compromise my integrity...of course I knew in my heart but I needed to hear it from others, and it struck my heart. I have made a firm decision and will not having sex of any kind like that.
> 
> Regarding the status of our situation, after reading these post, I was naive to think she told me everything. Today we talked and I mentioned if I don't know what she did I would always wonder and you guessed it, she had more ONS'. She told me everything, which after reading your posts, I can't say I'm shocked...I was well mentally prepared and in a way at peace...now that I truly know what kind of person/personality she is. Your posts prepared me for the storm that came today.
> 
> Every fiber in me still wants to fix this and I want her around and I don't want to divorce or be apart from her but I know now who I'm dealing with and I need time to figure out if I want to endure life with such a person or move on. I will admit, I still don't know yet.
> 
> I was feeling really down that my family is destroyed and if divorce, I would possibly be separated from my kids and I felt guilty about putting them through this. The more and more I read, I guess it is not me and I shouldn't bare this load of wrongdoing. As such, my wife and I spoke and I said I don't know if I we should divorce, however I can't be with her. She cried up a storm...but moreover I reminded her, this is because of her actions and she needs to take responsibility. I've informed her that she needs to leave our family...she needs to be alone and figure her life out. She's been praying and wants to get back involved in church again. I said that's fine but regardless she needs to leave our family for now and whether she turns her life for the better or not, genuinely, she needs to do it on her own. I think the kids and I have been a distraction in a sense. Our kids are her world, hell she even cried because we got a hotel one Valentines night, just her and I and she missed our youngest son so much (he's a big time momma's boy - just turned 2). As you can imagine, the thought of being apart from them (long term) kills her.
> 
> Nonetheless, I told her she needs to own up and leave. As you can imagine, she is beyond disturbed (and it makes me sad for her), but not for our family, we'll need to move on and if several months down the line, she's cleared her head and I mine, maybe I can take her back. Otherwise, I will have to move on. The timing is such that because of my work I have to move to the midwest, so I told her the kids are coming with me and she can either stay here in the east coast or go back to HI. I'm not too worried anymore if she wh0res around, at this point she has to deal with and live with herself...something only she can figure out if she wants that kind of life. Time will tell. Let's be clear, I'm not the vindictive type, or doing this to get back at her, we need our space and she needs to take responsibility. Forgiving her, taking her back and moving on like it never happened is not the answer for me. I know now, I've tried that before and it failed...she got comfortable (as she has confessed) and did it again. Unless God changes her, I have no doubts she will do it again and again in the future...that is her personality.
> 
> By no means do I have it figured all out but I will definitely update status as I move along. Today has been a good day for me, I feel my life is getting more in control and since this ONS stuff was new ground for me, hearing from you all has helped more than you could POSSIBLY know. I need all opinions and perspectives, good bad and indifferent....it all helps me. Thank you - from a guy just embarking on a long road of healing.


In order to save a marriage, you have to be willing to let it go. What your wife is doing is very self destructive and dangerous. She already has STD and her behavior can endanger your kids as well. 

She needs to get professional help. What your are doing is not only the best for you but it is the best for her. Only when she reaches bottom will she get help. As long as you are there, you are actually part of the problem.

Part of all of this is you need to start moving on. She will be much less likely to continue if she needs to worry about having you. It is important that you learn to love and repect your self. Yes you love her but you need to love yourself and not accept this.

There can be a big impact on your kids having a mother like this.


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## keko

Gregor said:


> Regarding the status of our situation, after reading these post, I was naive to think she told me everything. Today we talked and I mentioned if I don't know what she did I would always wonder and you guessed it, she had more ONS'. She told me everything, which after reading your posts, I can't say I'm shocked...


As always there is more to the story then what a cheater would admit.

At this point you shouldn't spend an ounce of energy on how to save the marriage or get more truth out of your wife but to only focus on yourself, your work and your kids. I applaud you for not leaving your kids behind with her thus preventing them from witnessing other men come into your house while you're away.


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## Numbersixxx

Gregor said:


> Thank you all for your support and advice. Believe me, I am taking it to heart. I think the most important take away thus far for me is NO REVENGE SEX. I was on a destructive path and my mind in a dark place and I just can't compromise my integrity...of course I knew in my heart but I needed to hear it from others, and it struck my heart. I have made a firm decision and will not having sex of any kind like that.
> 
> Regarding the status of our situation, after reading these post, I was naive to think she told me everything. Today we talked and I mentioned if I don't know what she did I would always wonder and you guessed it, she had more ONS'. She told me everything, which after reading your posts, I can't say I'm shocked...I was well mentally prepared and in a way at peace...now that I truly know what kind of person/personality she is. Your posts prepared me for the storm that came today.
> 
> Every fiber in me still wants to fix this and I want her around and I don't want to divorce or be apart from her but I know now who I'm dealing with and I need time to figure out if I want to endure life with such a person or move on. I will admit, I still don't know yet.
> 
> I was feeling really down that my family is destroyed and if divorce, I would possibly be separated from my kids and I felt guilty about putting them through this. The more and more I read, I guess it is not me and I shouldn't bare this load of wrongdoing. As such, my wife and I spoke and I said I don't know if I we should divorce, however I can't be with her. She cried up a storm...but moreover I reminded her, this is because of her actions and she needs to take responsibility. I've informed her that she needs to leave our family...she needs to be alone and figure her life out. She's been praying and wants to get back involved in church again. I said that's fine but regardless she needs to leave our family for now and whether she turns her life for the better or not, genuinely, she needs to do it on her own. I think the kids and I have been a distraction in a sense. Our kids are her world, hell she even cried because we got a hotel one Valentines night, just her and I and she missed our youngest son so much (he's a big time momma's boy - just turned 2). As you can imagine, the thought of being apart from them (long term) kills her.
> 
> Nonetheless, I told her she needs to own up and leave. As you can imagine, she is beyond disturbed (and it makes me sad for her), but not for our family, we'll need to move on and if several months down the line, she's cleared her head and I mine, maybe I can take her back. Otherwise, I will have to move on. The timing is such that because of my work I have to move to the midwest, so I told her the kids are coming with me and she can either stay here in the east coast or go back to HI. I'm not too worried anymore if she wh0res around, at this point she has to deal with and live with herself...something only she can figure out if she wants that kind of life. Time will tell. Let's be clear, I'm not the vindictive type, or doing this to get back at her, we need our space and she needs to take responsibility. Forgiving her, taking her back and moving on like it never happened is not the answer for me. I know now, I've tried that before and it failed...she got comfortable (as she has confessed) and did it again. Unless God changes her, I have no doubts she will do it again and again in the future...that is her personality.
> 
> By no means do I have it figured all out but I will definitely update status as I move along. Today has been a good day for me, I feel my life is getting more in control and since this ONS stuff was new ground for me, hearing from you all has helped more than you could POSSIBLY know. I need all opinions and perspectives, good bad and indifferent....it all helps me. Thank you - from a guy just embarking on a long road of healing.


Sorry man, but here is the fact. Multiple ONS means that she is a s1ut. It is common knowledge that they are bad choices for long term girlfriends and, especially, wives. Divorcing her is the only rational option.


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## Gregor

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

ONS or long time affairs? can you verify her stories?


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## Gregor

Today I walked out of the house with a sense of hope....not for our marriage but for the possibility of making a sound decision. I know what I need to do. One thing about me, I don't like to make impulse decisions when it comes to life changing events. One day I feel like D and the other like R. With her around and it being so early, my judgement is currently skewed. With time and her not here I know I'll come to the conclusion I need to. You may say the writing is on the wall and to be decisive now, but again it is not like me to act quickly. Although the answer seems so obvious, I need to come to that conclusion on my time and w/her not around. 

She fully agreed to leave and although I didn't threaten her, she is aware and knows that I'm prepared to take full custody of our kids. It is in the best interest I our kids to be in a stable environment...having been financially and morally sound since our marriage and her not with a consistent documented pattern showing both for her and I, I'm well prepared. 

Nonetheless this is where we are. Just so you know what more she confessed, this behavior of hers has been consistent and the sone night stand with the guy in the parking lot was more like a 3 night stand w/ him and they went to his apt later down the line to do a more thorough deed. She told me whatever details I asked in all the cases since we've been married...creamie pies and all. As well as conversations she had with these guys and little stuff. Believe it or not her spilling her guts have been helping me. and helped cleared my perspective. It will be good when she's gone. I will be able to clearly deal with what I need to do. I will also conduct all tests me/my kids that i need to do w/her no longer around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64

Gregor

I am glad you have the truth or enough to make a decision.

And you are right, you both need separation.

She needs to feel consequences for her actions. Your wife needs to know that you, yor marriage and entire family are at stake.

May I also add that she has taken her health and your health for granted.

She could have gotten aids and transmitted to you. I hope you have gotten tested.

Please realize your wife is beyond selfish with her actions, she is mentally sick!!!

And I am not bashing her. Promiscous sex without protection is really dangerous as you both know now.

Ifshe is not willing to get the help she needs and hides her actions from the family there is a good chance you are going to have to expose to your families just why you are not living together.

That is not revenge but a consequence. Because cheating not only hurts her and you but your entire family.

Keep your head on straight. Your decisions and actions are sound so far.

You and your family are in my prayers.

Do not budge an inch. She no longer deserves your consideration until you see proper action.

Your wife needs a shrink right now. She needs that more than she needs you or your kids......

HM64


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## AngryandUsed

Gregor,

Have you read the newbies link?
I don't get the feeling that she is remorseful.

Take time before you come to a decision.


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## JCD

A moment of lust means banging someone. It also means waking up the next day and saying to oneself "WTF did I just do?"

I can understand that. It's human. People act with their alligator brain sometimes.

Having done that, doing it AGAIN shows a distinct problem with the learning curve. I'm sure she justified it some way to herself. But that's just it: she started using her frontal lobes so she BELIEVED it was okay. She THOUGHT about it. It wasn't a quick drunken romp.

And now it was a three day thing with ONE guy...where were the children again? 

Take your time. The whorse done run around already, so no use locking that barn door. Think hard about finances, kids, health the trouble of divorce, the trouble of living with a person like that and what you want out of life. 

Because now, due to her actions, you get to subtract one person from your list of 'people whose needs you care about.'

BUT...remember one thing. Her cheating is not the totality of her being. From what I understand, Hitler was kind to dogs and a wonderful dancer.

She still has her good points. Unfortunately self control and fidelity don't seem to be two of them.


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## MrK

Before you take her back, make darn sure she thinks it's over, and that you will have full custody of the kids. SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF HER!!! If you make it easy, she reverts right back to w.h.o.r.i.n.g.


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## sandc

Gregor said:


> She told me whatever details I asked in all the cases since we've been married...creamie pies and all.


Oh no... tell me she didn't do that to you.


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## Shaggy

Wow. You need to get the kids DNA tested because they may not be yours. 

How long and how many men does she now admit to cheating with? Obviously this isn't drunken ONS territory, your wife is a full on tramp and serial cheater. Sorry, but you can't turn women like that into a wife. Ever.


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## TDSC60

Shaggy said:


> Wow. You need to get the kids DNA tested because they may not be yours.
> 
> How long and how many men does she now admit to cheating with? Obviously this isn't drunken ONS territory, your wife is a full on tramp and serial cheater. Sorry, but you can't turn women like that into a wife. Ever.


Because of all the affairs she has had, and her tendency to avoid condoms, you really do need to DNA check your kids.

Sorry man. You are in a tough spot but you are handling it well. Is wife Pacific Islander?


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## Ostera

Wow, I don't believe she will change. My WW wasn't loyal to any men she had LTR with. It's in their fiber to want a man (different men) to validate them, make them feel good about themselves because they feel desired. 

You are never going to be able to trust her is she has done this throughout your marriage. 

Although I love my wife, she has moved on. We are divorced yet. She'll file in January.


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## Machiavelli

Gregor said:


> She told me whatever details I asked in all the cases since we've been married...*creamie pies and all.* As well as conversations she had with these guys and little stuff.


The seemingly instinctive and near universal need for WWs to so consistently and repeatedly perpetrate this on their unsuspecting BHs gives one pause. Just more evidence that the WW must maximize the degradation of the BH, consciously or otherwise, to amplify the relative "alphaness" of the OM(s). It doesn't matter if it's a woman having the single affair of her lifetime, or a serial adulteress like Gregor's, feeding creampie and/or punching the ticket in the marital bed is always worth the greatly increased risk of discovery to get the sublime thrill of achieving the penultimate triumph on the clueless, trusting BH. Just another way for the WW to subordinate her BH to the OM. This is the rationalization hamster forcefully creating hypergamy where the AP is clearly the lower value male, even to the WW's sex drug addled brain.


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## Machiavelli

sandc said:


> Oh no... tell me she didn't do that to you.


I'm starting to think:

Affair = creampie for BH if he's one who goes down, otherwise sloppy seconds are a close second.


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## sandc

The cream pie thing would be my deal breaker. I won't eat mine I sure as hell won't eat his.

Just like that. Done.


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## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> The seemingly instinctive and near universal need for WWs to so consistently and repeatedly perpetrate this on their unsuspecting BHs gives one pause. Just more evidence that the WW must maximize the degradation of the BH, consciously or otherwise, to amplify the relative "alphaness" of the OM(s). It doesn't matter if it's a woman having the single affair of her lifetime, or a serial adulteress like Gregor's, feeding creampie and/or punching the ticket in the marital bed is always worth the greatly increased risk of discovery to get the sublime thrill of achieving the penultimate triumph on the clueless, trusting BH. Just another way for the WW to subordinate her BH to the OM. This is the rationalization hamster forcefully creating hypergamy where the AP is clearly the lower value male, even to the WW's sex drug addled brain.


All the better that he is kicking her #ss out and taking the kids and I hope for his own sanity he DNAs them.


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## sandc

Machiavelli said:


> I'm starting to think:
> 
> Affair = creampie for BH if he's one who goes down, otherwise sloppy seconds are a close second.


[SARCASM]
What a wonderful pair of choices.
[/SARCASM]


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## Machiavelli

sandc said:


> The cream pie thing would be my deal breaker. I won't eat mine I sure as hell won't eat his.
> 
> Just like that. Done.


As my old GF once told me, "What you don't know won't hurt you."


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## Machiavelli

tom67 said:


> All the better that he is kicking her #ss out and taking the kids and *I hope for his own sanity he DNAs them.*


It's a must, before filing.

ETA: and of course, cuckolding BH with OM's kids is the ultimate win, trumping cream pie and marriage bed sex.


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## sandc

Machiavelli said:


> As my old GF once told me, "What you don't know won't hurt you."


Well, telling him was not his wife's first mistake.


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## CH

I think you guys got your point across and giving OP more mind movies isn't going to help him much. He's made a choice, he's sticking with it and hopefully in the end everything works out for him whatever he chooses.

OP, hopefully after the dust settles you'll let everyone here know how it turned out for you. Not for a daily soap opera reason, we're just hoping it all ends well for you. Everyone who stops by here is like an extended family IMO, well to me. You know, the cousin who you never mention but you always wanted to hang around with :rofl::rofl:


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## sandc

CH said:


> You know, the cousin who you never mention but you always wanted to hang around with :rofl::rofl:


I'd like to be the crazy uncle that lives in the attic.

And yes don't let us make things worse for you. You truly do sound like you've got your head on right about this whole thing. Please let us know how things go for you. Others will be able to learn from the way you handled the situation.


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## JCD

Machiavelli said:


> I'm starting to think:
> 
> Affair = creampie for BH if he's one who goes down, otherwise sloppy seconds are a close second.


Mach...this kind of stuff really isn't helpful.


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## tom67

CH said:


> I think you guys got your point across and giving OP more mind movies isn't going to help him much. He's made a choice, he's sticking with it and hopefully in the end everything works out for him whatever he chooses.
> 
> OP, hopefully after the dust settles you'll let everyone here know how it turned out for you. Not for a daily soap opera reason, we're just hoping it all ends well for you. Everyone who stops by here is like an extended family IMO, well to me. You know, the cousin who you never mention but you always wanted to hang around with :rofl::rofl:


I hope he finds a good woman in the future he deserves it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli

JCD said:


> Mach...this kind of stuff really isn't helpful.


OP brought up that his wife admitted serving it, so he already knows. My point is that it seems to be part and parcel of the "affair experience" these days.

Here's something more "helpful": DNA, DNA, DNA, DNA.


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## Gregor

This will be my last transmission for some time as I am now in execution mode. I came here lost, desperate and uninformed but leave confident that I have ALL the facts to which I can press with her out of the picture to do what I need to do at the right time.

You were spot on about her history. She confessed EVERYTHING to me (imagine the scene from goonies when the fat kid confessed to the Frattelis all he did wrong), to which other affairs and flings were revealed, one which will require a DNA test....spot on about that folks...TY. No matter what they reveal I'm their father and will always be. She's been forthright about information and at a minimum there are no more secrets. A lot to take in in one week and I feel as I don't know her or that she GENUINELY loves me. I take what I've been armed with ( thru this forum and God) and the facts she's revealed and am ready to begin the process I need to go through whilst separated.

Before I dropped the legal separation full custody bomb on her she had shown such remorse and rationalized to me in her culture (she is from HI but of SE Asian origin) faithfulness is not stressed...total BS IMHO....I almost laughed. Her parents lived this kind of life as did her siblings that i now am not surprised. She also said she feels she loves me even more than ever because of all this and wants to renew our vows( to which I almost thru up a little in my mouth...she never had vows to begin...what "renew"). With this separation and her remorse wears off I think will be telling of her real character. In a way I'm excited for my family and I to take this journey w/out her during the separation and whatever follows. Pray for me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

They will be your kids but a DNA test will be good for any future medical problems (especially those that are hereditary) the kids may face.

Remember that you forgave her once and look where that got you. good luck


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## happyman64

My prayers for you and your family.

Get the DNA test, take the time to get your emotions in check then make those hard, long term decisions.

Best of Luck to you Gregor.


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## MrK

I know this thread is winding down, so I hate to ramp it up again by going off on a tangent, but I don't understand the good of a paternity test. OK. You find out their not yours. Do you, love them more? I doubt it. Do you love them less? I REALLY hope not, but I want my child around me for the rest of my life to be my friend for life, not a permanent reminder of my WXW's infidelity.

There is one good I can see come out of it, and it was mentioned earlier. Hereditary disease. And that is VERY valid if the affair partner is known and lives across the street. But you going to search Oahu for the cast of characters she screwed a few years ago and demand to see their medical histories? I want to see that movie after reading the bestselling paperback.

I see definite negative possibilities with no potential positives.


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## warlock07

MrK said:


> I know this thread is winding down, so I hate to ramp it up again by going off on a tangent, but I don't understand the good of a paternity test. OK. You find out their not yours. Do you, love them more? I doubt it. Do you love them less? I REALLY hope not, but I want my child around me for the rest of my life to be my friend for life, not a permanent reminder of my WXW's infidelity.
> 
> There is one good I can see come out of it, and it was mentioned earlier. Hereditary disease. And that is VERY valid if the affair partner is known and lives across the street. But you going to search Oahu for the cast of characters she screwed a few years ago and demand to see their medical histories? I want to see that movie after reading the bestselling paperback.
> 
> I see definite negative possibilities with no potential positives.


Some diseases diagnosed early can be life saving. If it means searching for a OM, so be it. I don't understand why it is so bad. The list shouldn't be too big and this day, finding a person on the internet is little work.


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## Caribbean Man

Gregor said:


> This will be my last transmission for some time as I am now in execution mode. * I came here lost, desperate and uninformed but leave confident that I have ALL the facts to which I can press with her out of the picture to do what I need to do at the right time.*


You have done well so far Gregor.
At least you had enough self respect to stand up for yourself.
You future could only get brighter.


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## Machiavelli

MrK said:


> I see definite negative possibilities with no potential positives.


Avoiding child support on the misbegotten child in the event of divorce is a positive outcome.


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## theroad

Update us things progress.


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## JCD

Machiavelli said:


> Avoiding child support on the misbegotten child in the event of divorce is a positive outcome.


Most states don't care. If your name is on the birth certificate, you're on the hook. Judge doesn't care if you don't WANT to pay. The boy needs feeding...so since you USED to do it, you can STILL do it.


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## sharkeey

JCD said:


> Most states don't care. If your name is on the birth certificate, you're on the hook. Judge doesn't care if you don't WANT to pay. The boy needs feeding...so since you USED to do it, you can STILL do it.


That's true. I've read stories where the court orders the nonbiological parent to continue to support the child that was later found to be someone else's just because they mistakenly assumed the role of the biological parent.

Don't look for fairness in the court system. Sometimes you get it, other times you don't. It's a crapshot.


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## mahike

I am betting if you she had an A early in the marriage and she has had two now. She is not remorseful and she only told you because she was going to get caught anyway.

I never understood husbands and wifes taking seperate vacation and no needs nights out with the girls. Girls going shopping yes, girls going to yoga girls taking the kids on a play date or a spa day. But it is never ok to go out drinking without your spouse


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## Shaggy

If her culture said cheating is ok, she wouldn't have hid her cheating from you, and she would have been happy for you to have been sleeping around like the town wh0re too.

She didn't do either of those, which proves she knew it was a betrayal and wrong.


----------



## sandc

Gregor said:


> Before I dropped the legal separation full custody bomb on her she had shown such remorse and rationalized to me in her culture (she is from HI but of SE Asian origin) faithfulness is not stressed...total BS IMHO....I almost laughed.


Uh, yeah. TOTAL BS. I am also married to an woman of Asian descent. She was born overseas, not in the US. I can tell you that fidelity is HIGHLY stressed in those cultures. The "face" that others see, the honor of your family, the complete angst of bringing "shame" to your family. Nope. Not buying that one at all. Her parents modeled this so she thought it was okay, plain and simple.

Since you do seem to be a man of faith you know that He will guide and strengthen you far better than we can. He works everything to the good of those whom He loves. Even so, please stop back in and update this thread from time to time so we can see how things worked out for you.

The best of Providence to you.


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## CH

Gregor, old school SE Asians.

If a man cheats it's not biggie. If a woman cheats, she's hung out to dry. Heck some of the smaller villages the woman is either kicked out of the village or sometimes they just disappear, poof.

Unless the girl is sold into prostitution then yes that's the norm. A wife that cheats in SE Asia.....Isn't pretty for her. It's still a man's world over there.

After that remark, glad you finally saw her for what she is.


----------



## keko

Gregor said:


> This will be my last transmission for some time as I am now in execution mode. I came here lost, desperate and uninformed but leave confident that I have ALL the facts to which I can press with her out of the picture to do what I need to do at the right time.
> 
> You were spot on about her history. She confessed EVERYTHING to me (imagine the scene from goonies when the fat kid confessed to the Frattelis all he did wrong), to which other affairs and flings were revealed, one which will require a DNA test....spot on about that folks...TY. No matter what they reveal I'm their father and will always be. She's been forthright about information and at a minimum there are no more secrets. A lot to take in in one week and I feel as I don't know her or that she GENUINELY loves me. I take what I've been armed with ( thru this forum and God) and the facts she's revealed and am ready to begin the process I need to go through whilst separated.
> 
> Before I dropped the legal separation full custody bomb on her she had shown such remorse and rationalized to me in her culture (she is from HI but of SE Asian origin) faithfulness is not stressed...total BS IMHO....I almost laughed. Her parents lived this kind of life as did her siblings that i now am not surprised. She also said she feels she loves me even more than ever because of all this and wants to renew our vows( to which I almost thru up a little in my mouth...she never had vows to begin...what "renew"). With this separation and her remorse wears off I think will be telling of her real character. In a way I'm excited for my family and I to take this journey w/out her during the separation and whatever follows. Pray for me!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Greg usually when a betrayed husband comes here and realized his wife has been the town bike for years I feel sorry for them. Sorry because they're clueless on what to do and even ignore some logical advice. You on the other hand have your head on straight and have taken this beating very well. Responded very well. I'm very happy for you.


----------



## Ostera

mahike said:


> I am betting if you she had an A early in the marriage and she has had two now. She is not remorseful and she only told you because she was going to get caught anyway.
> 
> I never understood husbands and wifes taking seperate vacation and no needs nights out with the girls. Girls going shopping yes, girls going to yoga girls taking the kids on a play date or a spa day. But it is never ok to go out drinking without your spouse


Evertime my wife would go out with her daughter.. they got hit on by men and never seemed to care she was married... I remember one time my wife's car go broke into because she was out drinking because she was made at me.. well she met up with one of her ex's and decided to leave her wedding ring in her car.. of course it got stolen ...


----------



## Machiavelli

JCD said:


> Most states don't care. If your name is on the birth certificate, you're on the hook. Judge doesn't care if you don't WANT to pay. The boy needs feeding...so since you USED to do it, you can STILL do it.


Case law is up in the air in several states right now and statute law is constantly changing around the country as legislators introduce bills allowing revocation of acknowledgement of paternity. Times change. Get with the program.


----------



## Machiavelli

sharkeey said:


> That's true. I've read stories where the court orders the nonbiological parent to continue to support the child that was later found to be someone else's just because they mistakenly assumed the role of the biological parent.
> 
> Don't look for fairness in the court system. Sometimes you get it, other times you don't. It's a crapshot.


50 states, 50 laws. Within those states are dozens and grosses of judges, all pulling case law out of their arrogant asses. YMMV.


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## TCSRedhead

DNA testing is for medical history reasons. Down the road, these kids deserve to know the truth about their paternity. Most states will force the husband to support if they have already been supporting or if the bio dad steps up. 

Stay strong Gregor!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Let's imagine my son get ill, the don't know what the hell he got.. they start asking background... me, my side of the family... what can I tell them... at most ... there's a chance I'm not the bio dad?
Well doctors are aware of it. Paternity is always "suspected".
If there's no chance to identify OM... the good of DNA tests decrease a good deal.


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## lucasred

Gregor said:


> It's been a week and 1 day and my wife confessed to me that she had a one night stand.
> 
> Let me back up, we've been married 12 years and have 4 young kids. We met in college and when we married I was 22 and she was 25. A year into our marriage, I found out she was having an affair. I wanted to divorce her as it was so early but I couldn't bring myself to it and she was remorseful. We got through it - or so I thought. Fast forward to present day. Just recently I had to conduct a big project at work. We live on the east coast but she is from Hawaii. During this past summer she and the kids spent time in HI while I worked. While in HI, she would go clubbing every other week with her sister and cousins (all single/divorced btw). While there during that month she had 2 ONS with 2 different guys on 2 separate occasions. One of them was in the guys car near the club parking lot and the other was at a guys hotel nearby the club in Waikiki. She told me about the ONS with the guy in the car because it was unprotected sex and recently (she is back from HI now) she had a paps-mere and it came back positive for STD (something called HPV) so she wanted to tell me before I found out on my own. She was remorseful and cried alot and just 2 days ago, I told her if she wants to get it right to tell me if that was the only incident and with much reluctance she told me about the other ONS with a different guy she met at the bar and went back to his hotel. She didn't want to tell me about him because they wore a condom and the other situation was already bad enough and she didnt' want to hurt me more. In both cases she was madly drunk and admitted to just lusting.
> 
> She tells me its not me and she is beating herself up over what she did to me and the kids. I want to forgive her but I did once before and I don't know if I can. Sometimes I want to and don't want to be with anyone else but her and other times I'm so angry and hurt and don't want to see her...all while we are shielding our 4 kids from all this. I know the onus is 100% on her because she made this decision. I didn't think our marriage was on the rocks up until this point and she says it wasn't either, just that she was drunk and being stupid.
> 
> The thing is, this hurts so much, I haven't told anybody but I'm constantly tortured by images of her being entered by other men, them getting pleasure out of my wife. Her braking our vows again and trying to go through all this when I thought I would never have to again...thought we got it out of our way early in our marriage the first time she did this. Some dudes are now bragging to their buddies on how they scored and I wallow in anguish over the love of my life and mother of my children. It bothers me they don't know what they did to our family, hell she doesn't even remember their names. It hurts me that she didn't think of our kids or if she did, that she could block them out when she spread herself for these guys. I don't know why I'm telling you all, but I stumbled on here googling other folks that been through this. I'm going through a roller coaster of emotions...need to hear from folks out there with any kind of advice...hell I don't even know what to ask....i'm just utterly lost.
> 
> I have thoughts of just taking a vacation to thailand or hong kong and just have as much sex as I can. I know that will make things worse but i'm so hurt and I don't know how to make it go away. I hate being a victim to this again and I have evil thoughts to make her feel what I'm going through. Other times I feel sorry for her. I just love her and wish I didn't.



Either settle for this kind of continued behavior or leave her. Three times. at least, mean she will never stop cheating on you. I don't doubt she is sincerely sorry, just like she was last time and she will be next time and the time after that.


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