# Should I move back home or find a shelter and move on



## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

It's been another year, almost 2 years, and I am still posting this at the 'considering' section. 

I guess I finally have had it. He came home in the morning last Sunday... actually Monday early morning all drunk and fuxked up, disoriented and snapped at me. 

A really long story short... first he wasn't working, bum out at home and drank away until I said I need to leave him. He went to rehab, sober for three years. But, he went sober, still no job no drivers license and get up at his 'night shift' hours, played pc games and smoke weed all day (or night). Financial crisis hit and there I needed to sell our house, and he didn't help nor contribute at all. I truly wanted to leave, he finally got a job and keep the job, but he started drinking heavily again. Even worse now, he verbal abuse me, gave me attitude, went out and come home in the morning all fuxk up. 

Those are the negative things. Here's the positive things and that's why I stayed with him for so long. I feel love because he does the little things, like saying 'I love you' all the time. He would fold my PJ on bed before I go to bed and kiss me good night. He would buy me cute stuff like a cup cake with a happy face. We still hold hands walking our dog. I know all that sound so stupid for a grown adult woman but yes.. these are little thing he does that capture my heart. AND most importantly... he never gets angry for more than a few hours. That's not the case anymore. 

Thinking about the whole time we were together for 15 years now. I have always felt that things are chaotic and unmanageable, and I thought it was me who couldn't handle keeping up. 

Since last year at the hospital, crisis councelors, social workers, psychologist and psychotherapist, they all told me the same thing... 'get out'. They all told me he is emotionally abusive. I really didn't get what that means. Until now. Until I am totally broke, emotionally and financially broken. It takes a bankruptcy to wake me up. He is not a monster and I still love him very much, although I also get very angry and hate him at the same time. 

I left on Monday, I just packed some clothes and took off. I left him a note with a rent cheque, said I cannot married to an alcoholic anymore. I am living in a hotel which I can only effort maybe for another week. I called the woman shelter, they told me space is not guarantee and they are temporary and have a strict schedule. My finance is picking up slowly I won't be able to sustain with all these bills to pay and moving out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Please do leave and make sure your finances are separated. He might well spend the rent check on booze anyway.

Get yourself into therapy. You have been with this man for so long that even his abuse will be missed by you sometimes.

You should make a clean break and not go back. He is an unhealthy man that has refused to do what it takes to get well.

You, in turn, are an unhealthy woman. Go and live healthy learning to make good choices and to respect yourself.

Love will come again and it will be a more mature and giving love. There will still be a fair share of losers lined up for your affection but you must develop the self esteem and strength of will to see them for what they are.....Not worth your time.

Have any family or close friends for support?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you need to realize that nearly everyone has a good quality about them, even abusers, that is how victims stay hooked for so long. They over compensate the good qualities of their abusers and that givesthem hope, plus being in a relationship with one can probably lower your self-esteem, and you become too mentally exhausted to leave. Just look at Jerry Sandusky, he abuses children, but does charity work too.

I hope things turn out for you. You should file for divorce soon or perhaps ask family for help. I am not sure how things work, and you don't want him filing abandonment. Also you probably want to get at least a separation, so he can't screw you over any worse. Hopefully, you have gotten that taken care of.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

I am not close to my family, I was an abused kid who ran away from home.... I was supposed to be born a boy but unfortunately I turned out to be a girl. I do have a few close friends but I don't want to trouble their family.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

If it is temporary, can you stay with them until you find an apartment? If your anser is no, I am sure you have a plan to get on your feet. Will he bother you at your place of work? Make sure your with friends or with someone around. You don't want to be caught alone outside with him. How good is your social network? If you start building that, I am sure you can get a better job opportunity.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Its the holiday seasons, I found a few room for rent just for the 'holiday' from craiglist and kijiji, still they are not cheap and will be shared, unless I move to a not-so-safe neighbourhood. I am by myself now I rather stay downtown with people, feel safer. One of my good friend has a basement, I can stay with her pay her rent, but she also wants me to take care of her son, cook and babysit. She has a strict schedule to feed her son and pack lunch too. She knows I am a good cook and don't mind cooking for all of us. Her place is a mess too. I am not sure if I can and willing to keep up with all that, I rather keep a friend.

I went home yesterday and took the dog out with my husband, drove him out do get some grocery. He showed me he got bonus from his work, and he asked me if he should put me on his work insurance. He just finished probation period so he got work insurance now. He asked me if we can to go out for dinner tonight. It's my dad's birthday today and we are going out for supper, not sure if I should bring him 

I miss home


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I would not bring him along. It is your dad's birthday, and don't make it more awkward than it needs to be. Your first priority is to seek stability. Make your situation as best as possible. With that, you then can focus on your life. The less chaos, the more you can direct your energy on things you need to personally accomplish. You need to see how mentally healthy you are too.


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

My family doesnt know we split. Although my husband seldom goes to my family event. He will be the only white guy there. My dad asked if he is going because my 5 year old niece is looking forward to see uncle. I know it sounds racist but I think kiddo likes him because he looks like santa at least with the beard. Well...appearantly he shaved himself a goatie last night. Who knows what kind of bar and party he went to. 

He said he wants to work things out and he want me to stay. I dont know what to do. How many times do we need to go thru this.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My advice, stay moved out and work on it while being separated. Let your husband take ownership of his stuff, and learn to take care of himself. 

C


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm with PBear. If you come back, especially this soon I mean, you'll just be reinforcing his negative behavior. You can't waiver now or he won't learn anything, he'll see this just as you being emotionally unstable or something like that.

For now, STOP giving him money, giving him rides or supporting him in any way. He won't change or learn anything different until he has no other choice but to do so. I have to think that you can survive on your own with your income if you aren't supporting him, right?


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