# should i take him back please help...



## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

Found out 2 years since that my husband cheated on me , wev been together 32 years we have four boys, it started in 2002 and ended in 2004 he did a job for her they both flirted and to his astonishment she said he could sleep with her there and then. it then started from there. ...., he went 2 to 3 times a month for about 45 minuets for a quickie on her sofa while her kids slept upstairs he told her he loved me and he would never leave me she also told our relation it meant nothing and was just a bit of fun...my husband never told anyone it was her that let the cat out of the bag.I am not making no excuses for what he has done but At the time i had pushed him away i didn't want him near me it started just before I had my fourth son we weren't getting on then i got pregnant and was so ill he looked after me and we got a bit better but my son never slept and as he got older he was very hyperactive so i put all my time and energy into my kids 2 teenagers a 7 year old and a 3 year old, he used to beg me to be give him attention and sleep with him but i told him i wasn't bothered so when my youngest was 3 he took up with this woman, she only lives about 5 mins walk away from ours , he never bought her anything ,took her anywhere or even said he cared for her, i can't believe a woman could be like this (but a no its true because she has had a few married men and people have said what she is like) he came to his senses and stopped seeing her and put all his energy into me and we got good again but sometimes was very moody and i wondered why, he was feeling so guilty, i found out after 6 years after he was devastated and so was i, he has tried everything for 2 years to win me back , put adverts in local paper saying how much he loves me and how he made biggest mistake of his life, never leaves my side unless i make him, wants me to go into business with him treats me like a queen does everything for me cooks cleans takes kids and me everywhere he is on antidepressants, he has done everything in his power to get me back tells me and everyone else he loves me all the time people have laughed at him and said they would have given up on me but he says to them he can't because he loves me...I am so confused he has his own flat but is at mine most of the time i really don't no what to do i do still love him but don't no if i can forgive.we now can do what we always wanted to do when the kids got older so why can't i forgive....Please help with your comments i am 50 this year and really don't no if a want to start again plus he has always looked after us and done everything for us...Forgot to say he has never blamed me for any of it says it was all his fault and was just greedy and she was there for sex and he always used a condom plus he had only just had a vasectomy, i made him and said i wouldn't sleep with him till he had one so he did and i still wouldn't sleep with him....we have been for counselling for about 5 months on and off at first but i stopped going because i weren't ready to forgive but he wants to go back as soon as i am ready. sorry its so long.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Susi
If all you say is true. Then he is showing remorse. Still, that doesn't mean that all is well. You are still young. You have a lot of life but we all have a limited time on Earth. So, don't waste time with someone who you can't trust. 

If you WANT to make the marriage work then give it a little time but be OPEN to accepting that he made some very poor choices. If you know you can never accept him because of his treachery then start putting yourself in a frame of mind to move on to the next part of your life. 

It might be a good idea to explore what that might look like. To do that, visit a lawyer and see what the legal outcome of a divorce in your situation would look like.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

susie woo said:


> i had pushed him away i didn't want him near me it started just before I had my fourth son we weren't getting on then i got pregnant


You weren't getting along and yet you had a 4th child. That's extremely irresponsible. Having more children isn't a solution for a bad marriage. It only makes things worse and it's unfair to bring children into your mess

Then again how did you get pregnant if you pushed him away and didn't want him near you? 



susie woo said:


> he used to beg me to be give him attention and sleep with him but i told him i wasn't bothered so when my youngest was 3 he took up with this woman


You pushed him away, you wanted nothing to do with him, you refused to sleep with him or even give him attention, it got so bad that he was begging you and finally he gave up and had an affair.

I can't blame him. If it was me I would have left you first but hey that's just me. 



susie woo said:


> never leaves my side unless i make him.. treats me like a queen does everything for me cooks cleans takes kids and me everywhere





susie woo said:


> he has his own flat but is at mine most of the time


He cooks, cleans, takes care of the kids, he's by your side all the time but he has his own place? How is this possible?



susie woo said:


> he had only just had a vasectomy, i made him and said i wouldn't sleep with him till he had one so he did and i still wouldn't sleep with him


You told him that if he got a vasectomy you'd sleep with him so he got one and after he got one you still wouldn't sleep with him.

Nice. 

You're not blameless here lady.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

Thanks for your reply, I have seen a solicitor and no where i stand, my husband says i can stay in the house as long as i want with my 2 boys who are still at home, he even said he would singe an agreement with the solicitor that if he was to ever hurt me again i could keep the house and everything and our house is worth £250.000, I think i could trust him again he doesn't want to do anything without me and hasn't unless i made him for just over 2 years he says he will do anything he possibly can to win me back even kiss my arse every morning (dont think a will bother with that one) ha ha..I have got bad hands so is hard for me to get a job also..


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> You weren't getting along and yet you had a 4th child. That's extremely irresponsible. Having more children isn't a solution for a bad marriage. It only makes things worse and it's unfair to bring children into your mess
> 
> Then again how did you get pregnant if you pushed him away and didn't want him near you?
> 
> ...


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

Forgot yes it is possible to cook clean and all what i said i dont tell lies you have read it all wrong we still got on i just didnt want intimacy maybe i had postnatal depression who nos and yes if he felt he needed an affair he should have left but he wanted me but also wanted his cake


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

susie woo said:


> i dont tell lies you have read it all wrong we still got on i just didnt want intimacy maybe i had postnatal depression who nos and yes if he felt he needed an affair he should have left but he wanted me but also wanted his cake


You lied to him when you told him you'd have sex with him if he got a vasectomy and then you failed to deliver.

Yes, I get that the more appropriate thing to do when you're married to a woman who doesn't want anything to do with you is to divorce her and THEN go have sex with some women. Cheaters are deceptive cowards, I get it. But that's old news. 

Question is, what are you going to do about it NOW?

Start with "some" self accountability here. And add a few paragraph breaks and punctuation including periods. 

You HAVE lied to him and you HAVE pushed him away repeatedly and you HAVE refused him sex for a long time. 

Like I said, you're not blameless. 

I have nothing more to add unless you do, otherwise it quickly becomes one of those circular nonproductive debates.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

susie woo said:


> Found out 2 years since that my husband cheated on me , wev been together 32 years we have four boys, it started in 2002 and ended in 2004 he did a job for her they both flirted and to his astonishment she said he could sleep with her there and then. it then started from there. ...., he went 2 to 3 times a month for about 45 minuets for a quickie on her sofa while her kids slept upstairs he told her he loved me and he would never leave me she also told our relation it meant nothing and was just a bit of fun...my husband never told anyone it was her that let the cat out of the bag.I am not making no excuses for what he has done but At the time i had pushed him away i didn't want him near me it started just before I had my fourth son we weren't getting on then i got pregnant and was so ill he looked after me and we got a bit better but my son never slept and as he got older he was very hyperactive so i put all my time and energy into my kids 2 teenagers a 7 year old and a 3 year old, he used to beg me to be give him attention and sleep with him but i told him i wasn't bothered so when my youngest was 3 he took up with this woman, she only lives about 5 mins walk away from ours , he never bought her anything ,took her anywhere or even said he cared for her, i can't believe a woman could be like this (but a no its true because she has had a few married men and people have said what she is like) he came to his senses and stopped seeing her and put all his energy into me and we got good again but sometimes was very moody and i wondered why, he was feeling so guilty, i found out after 6 years after he was devastated and so was i, he has tried everything for 2 years to win me back , put adverts in local paper saying how much he loves me and how he made biggest mistake of his life, never leaves my side unless i make him, wants me to go into business with him treats me like a queen does everything for me cooks cleans takes kids and me everywhere he is on antidepressants, he has done everything in his power to get me back tells me and everyone else he loves me all the time people have laughed at him and said they would have given up on me but he says to them he can't because he loves me...I am so confused he has his own flat but is at mine most of the time i really don't no what to do i do still love him but don't no if i can forgive.we now can do what we always wanted to do when the kids got older so why can't i forgive....Please help with your comments i am 50 this year and really don't no if a want to start again plus he has always looked after us and done everything for us...Forgot to say he has never blamed me for any of it says it was all his fault and was just greedy and she was there for sex and he always used a condom plus he had only just had a vasectomy, i made him and said i wouldn't sleep with him till he had one so he did and i still wouldn't sleep with him....we have been for counselling for about 5 months on and off at first but i stopped going because i weren't ready to forgive but he wants to go back as soon as i am ready. sorry its so long.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Thanks for quoting your entire initial post.

How'd you know I wanted to read it again and I didn't want to scroll up?


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

Sorry but first time I have used this and I don't now what I am doing some my statements are going on and some aren't. Don't no which to reply with quote or quick or multi don't understand it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

If you aren't trying to quote another poster (or yourself) simply type your post in the empty box at the very bottom of the page. Then click on the "post quick reply" button below the box with all your words in it. 

If you ARE trying to quote someone, hit "quote" and then in the box that comes up, keep the quote tags on the front and back of the entire block of quoted text, but REMOVE all the text that you don't want in the final post. 

Add anything new AFTER the last quote tag.

I NEVER use multiquote, I find it much easier to quote and copy blocks of posts, sort of like a waterfall, building a longer post using quotes often from many different posters by copying and pasting quoted text into an ever increasing post of my own. It's a bit complicated and maybe we will save that for later. We've got a marriage to save here!

Oh, and you can also edit posts that you have already made, to remove unwanted quotes, add paragraph breaks and punctuation such as periods.

That's a hint.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Ohhh go ahead and see if he will kiss your arse for a few days. Can't hurt! LOL

Give him a chance - but get that agreement signed


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Have you tried individual counseling? It might help.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Ohhh go ahead and see if he will kiss your arse for a few days. Can't hurt! LOL
> 
> Give him a chance - but get that agreement signed


Its too confusing I have posted lots more comments on those quotes and quick quotes and they have disappeared..upps cos mi head gone :scratchhead:


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Sometimes the heart is broken beyond repair.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Have you tried individual counseling? It might help.


We have been to counselling together for a while but stopped going now with having two places to pay for we can't really afford it at the minuet. Thanks for your reply.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

susie I have no more advice to give but let me just say your posts are getting much better!

Now let's see about getting you a spell checker.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Susie, I don't think you realize how mainful it is to have your spouse refuse to have sex with you.

It's of course ok in a healthy marriage for a one spouse to turn the other down for sex once in a while ... like when someone is sick or really tired.

But when the rejection is constant over a long period of time you might as well have been screaming at him that you found him gross, unattractive and hated him... every day. I have no doubt that is how he felt.

I do not ever advocate infidelity but I understand why your husband cheated. His cheating was wrong. But you were seriously wrong and abusive to him. What he did is, in my mind, no worse than what you did.

One question you need to ask yourself is why should he ever trust you? He has supported you and your children. He helps you and takes care of you in every way.

But you deny him the love and affection he needs. YOu even told him to get clipped and then you still refused him intimacy.

If he was here I'd tell him to never trust you. For some reason you think that you hold all the power in your marriage. First you used it to abuse him and now you are using it to play the "I cannot trust you" game while he jumps through hoops to take care of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Susie, 

It sounds to me like you have a man who loves you. You have both been wrong and wronged each other.

Take a look at the links in by signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books. The two of you can read them and do the things they suggest you do. It's a lot cheaper than counseling and I think will do more for the two of you.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

sharkeey said:


> susie I have no more advice to give but let me just say your posts are getting much better!
> 
> Now let's see about getting you a spell checker.


You are a real charmer aren't you, I have got one thank you. But had to rush because my fire was dying out. Ups a shouldn't have started a sentence with but should I..Ha Ha. Plus that used to texting and talking on Facebook I forget..Sorry. :iagree: PS have you any idea where my other comments might be...


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Susie, I don't think you realize how mainful it is to have your spouse refuse to have sex with you.
> 
> It's of course ok in a healthy marriage for a one spouse to turn the other down for sex once in a while ... like when someone is sick or really tired.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply. Think i posted my post all wrong yea he did take care of us but he also was out all the time so I didn't feel like I wanted to make love to a stranger, we were intimate but he wanted it all the time or every time he came nr me so I stopped wanting it and just did it now and then, I also think I had postnatal depression which didn't help, he nos he can trust me because when he wasn't verbally abusing me or we did things together he new I was up for anything so it was his choice, he had also been promising to have the snip for ages and didn't hence a fourth child who I love dearly, And we have been having up until recently brilliant sex, as I said he focused on us that all it takes am not a doormat there to be used as and when he wanted..


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Susie,
> 
> It sounds to me like you have a man who loves you. You have both been wrong and wronged each other.
> 
> Take a look at the links in by signature block below for building a passionate marriage. Get the books. The two of you can read them and do the things they suggest you do. It's a lot cheaper than counseling and I think will do more for the two of you.


Sorry forgot to say Thanks for the Links well appreciated.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Ohhh go ahead and see if he will kiss your arse for a few days. Can't hurt! LOL
> 
> Give him a chance - but get that agreement signed[/QUOTThanks ha ha might just do that


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if you love him and are prepared to be a real wife to him now & if he loves you and is prepared to be a faithful husband to you, then you should give him his chance.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think if you love him and are prepared to be a real wife to him now & if he loves you and is prepared to be a faithful husband to you, then you should give him his chance.




Thanks for your reply, I was a good wife but if he thought he could come and go and never see me and talk to me like ****, then me to jump in to bed with him when he clicked his fingers a don't think so I put up with the way he was in hope we could ride through it and he should have done the same or left. I could have easily have gone with another man but I didn't because I was married and thought we would eventually work through it. And we did eventually only I didn't no he had been getting it else where.. Which is why I am struggling so hard because we have been great together this last 8 years even when I first found out we were good together. Thank you I really do appreciate all your thoughts and comments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

susie woo said:


> Thanks for your reply, I was a good wife but if he thought he could come and go and never see me and talk to me like ****, then me to jump in to bed with him when he clicked his fingers a don't think so I put up with the way he was in hope we could ride through it and he should have done the same or left. I could have easily have gone with another man but I didn't because I was married and thought we would eventually work through it. And we did eventually only I didn't no he had been getting it else where.. Which is why I am struggling so hard because we have been great together this last 8 years even when I first found out we were good together. Thank you I really do appreciate all your thoughts and comments.


You left out of your OP that he was always gone and talked to you like ****. You did not tell why you did not want sex... only said that maybe it was depression.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You left out of your OP that he was always gone and talked to you like ****. You did not tell why you did not want sex... only said that maybe it was depression.





Yes because we both got in a rut we weren't getting on , his young sister died we consoled each other I got pregnant was ill ,both tried but drifted apart, we both loved each other still went out together on trips with our friends (which none can believe what hes done because we all went out and did things together and they all want me to take him back they say we made for each other),He went to work and pub I stayed in and was lonely so turned my back mostly on him and i was shattered as i said my son never slept so sex was the last thing on my mind. I didn't want my post to go on for ever so I just put the basic facts as it happened nearly 10 years since. Thank you for your reply.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You love him, he loves you, has proven to be remorseful, won't give up trying...
Give him the chance, give YOU the chance.
Be both acountable of your poor choices, there are tools everywhere to rebuild the marriage if it's what BOTH want.
There's not even needed MC, there are free sources if there's the will.

Red Rookies' threads. His is a very hopeful story.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In marriage, where there is no danger of violent abuse or really bad emotional abuse, if you are not 100% sure are done with the marriage... then you owe it to yourself to try to fix the marriage. I you do not give it a go, you will always second guess your divorcing him.

Give it a chance with all you have.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

/QUOTE]

Thank you part of me does so want to try again, then as i get close i get a rage inside and have to make him leave as i don't believe he couldn't have feelings for this other woman like he says he didn't. He has tried to talk to the other woman to prove to me what the relationship was but she wont talk she just abusive. Plus we live in a small village and we are well known and i (no its silly) but wonder what other people will say if i take him back.Most people seem to want us to get back.


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## susie woo (Jan 26, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> In marriage, where there is no danger of violent abuse or really bad emotional abuse, if you are not 100% sure are done with the marriage... then you owe it to yourself to try to fix the marriage. I you do not give it a go, you will always second guess your divorcing him.
> 
> Give it a chance with all you have.



Thank you that's a lovely way of thinking. I no lots of people who have had affairs and they got back together and i have been really glad and happy for them and i never judged them..So why can't i do the same for myself.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

susie woo said:


> /QUOTE]
> 
> Thank you part of me does so want to try again, then as i get close i get a rage inside and have to make him leave as i don't believe he couldn't have feelings for this other woman like he says he didn't. He has tried to talk to the other woman to prove to me what the relationship was but she wont talk she just abusive. Plus we live in a small village and we are well known and i (no its silly) but wonder what other people will say if i take him back.Most people seem to want us to get back.


It doesn't matter what other people think. They probably have their own dirty laundry.


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