# Q for Men: Threesomes????



## Samantha1980 (Aug 22, 2011)

Hello, I'm new  

I've been reading the forums here for about a week, and I've really enjoyed everyone's candor -- especially from the men because you've made it quite an informative and educational week for me.  I don't know that I have much to contribute in the advice department like the rest of you, but I thought I might just dive in and be bold here with a question I'd desperately like to hear your honest opinions on. First let me say, I am not married but in a somewhat long term (and dysfunctional) relationship. I finished grad school a few years ago. I wasn't sure which would be the best subforum to post this in but I chose this one 

I have a few burning questions for the men who feel comfortable offering an honest answer. I imagine some of you have spouses that post on these forums too, so you might be inclined to skip this one…? And let me say, this query is predicated on being given the age old "All men think this way" routine. And so I want to know if that's really the case. Here goes….

At any point in your entire life (prior to marriage or whenever):

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?

6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch _you_ with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?


Question for the ladies, please:

What is your honest opinion of the almost seemingly "mandatory" girl-on-girl at clubs this generation? Do you believe the majority of women (save for legitimately bi or lesbian) are such willing participants because this is now the thing that men require (seems we haven't changed much over the millennia in terms of making it all about them lol). Or do you think these women really enjoy it and get a rush (whether they're bi or not) and that we now live in a society free enough to allow it? Or do you think something else altogether?


ALL: I'm terribly sorry for the length and tedium of my very first post. I'm not looking for essay responses lol. Thank you in advance! I hope my question does not offend. 


~Samantha


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## Samantha1980 (Aug 22, 2011)

Sorry, I should have specified. I'm not looking for anyone to answer all the questions, if you don't want. Just any question(s) you're willing to answer... I'm just looking to get some insight -- ANY insight -- on the subject. :scratchhead: Thanks!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Samantha1980 said:


> Question for the ladies, please:
> 
> What is your honest opinion of the almost seemingly "mandatory" girl-on-girl at clubs this generation?~Samantha


??wahdyewsay?? ...not a lady, but I suddenly realize I think I need to start hanging out at "clubs" again.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think that young girls want to please boys. I don't think that there are more bi or lesbian women then in former generations but this is an attention getter.

Women work so hard to get noticed, and then to put on a good show sexually that they are not being themselves or expressing their true likes and dislikes. The time they are 26 yo they are weary of the need to impress. In many cases, they simply stop performing. 

I think this is what men experience as the bait and switch. Both genders are responsible for this disconnect although woman who get tired of acting are blamed for selling their men a bill of goods. 

If sex is just pleasure-based then a list of must have acts is appropriate. But if it is a connection of two unique individuals then each accepts the person they select as they are. 

They both can team up and explore their sexuality. No anger, no disappointment, impatience, no critical appraisal of performances, no outsized expectations for a high level of performance based on some artificial standards. Who would want please a critic and judge in so intimate an act.

I think the current sexual atmosphere is very difficult for woman. It places undue emphasis on what a woman does the way her body looks and what acts she will perform for a man.

The team approach is much more sustainable for sexual satisfaction for both. Sex can be for fun sometimes, wild, explorative and loving when it needs to be if each person is in synchrony and feels safe. 

When there is a list of expectations and preconceived standard of performance and an evaluation thrown in, it is not even sex anymore, it's an acting job. One partner needs to pass the audition with every performance. 

The underlying assumption seems to be that men are giving up a great deal to stay with one woman therefore, they need to be compensated for the sacrifice.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Samantha1980 said:


> Hello, I'm new
> 
> I've been reading the forums here for about a week, and I've really enjoyed everyone's candor -- especially from the men because you've made it quite an informative and educational week for me.  I don't know that I have much to contribute in the advice department like the rest of you, but I thought I might just dive in and be bold here with a question I'd desperately like to hear your honest opinions on. First let me say, I am not married but in a somewhat long term (and dysfunctional) relationship. I finished grad school a few years ago. I wasn't sure which would be the best subforum to post this in but I chose this one
> 
> ...


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

To be honest, before marriage, I was involved in encounters with two women a couple of times in college. Both times were while I was studying with one, and it simply progressed and she wanted her friend involved (both were bi).

I married not too long after having a pretty radical life changing situation. I was addicted to fighting. Long story, so I won't go there. I only mention this because I learned to be very introspective, and now I wonder if I just think too much.

Early in the marriage, there was a little fantasy about two women, but my wife and I knew a woman who was so insecure that she allowed her husband to bring other women into the bed. She wholly supported it because she thought he was a great man, and wanted him to be happy. He was an a$$, and took advantage of her weakness. So no, I do not think it is right for a woman to allow another woman in her bed unless the man is also willing to allow another man. I know there are cases where it is not the result of a woman feeling like she must do it to keep him, so in these cases, to each his own.

I began to realize that I could spend a lifetime getting to know my wife and her sexual needs. There is something magical about fixating only on the wife, and viewing life as an exclusive journey together.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?

*No, but I am an exception, lesbian sex simply does`t flip my switch. I`m aware it does for most men however*

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Nope.*

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?

*Nope, in fact I`ve rejected a couple of offers over the years*

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Yes, in fact it`s an ongoing fantasy my wife and I share but it is actually her fantasy and we just use the imagery to liven up our sex life.*

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?

*The turn on is obvious concerning a threesome.
If one being with one chick is hot then two chicks is even hotter*

6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?

*No, but my wife proposed it to me.I gently rebuffed her and like I said now it`s just a fantasy we use.*

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?

*I have been in one threesome but it was two men and one woman.*

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch _you_ with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?

*Actually if I were to ever consent to having a threesome with my wife it would be with another man not a woman.Simply because I have a different attitude about sex than she does.
I "believe" I could deal with seeing her with another man under my consent, I don`t believe she would handle it well if it were another woman.*


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

Samantha1980 said:


> Hello, I'm new
> 
> I've been reading the forums here for about a week, and I've really enjoyed everyone's candor -- especially from the men because you've made it quite an informative and educational week for me.  I don't know that I have much to contribute in the advice department like the rest of you, but I thought I might just dive in and be bold here with a question I'd desperately like to hear your honest opinions on. First let me say, I am not married but in a somewhat long term (and dysfunctional) relationship. I finished grad school a few years ago. I wasn't sure which would be the best subforum to post this in but I chose this one
> 
> ...


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Samantha1980 said:


> At any point in your entire life (prior to marriage or whenever):
> 
> 1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?


Probably.



> 2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


Yes. More detail below.



> 3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?


Probably.



> 4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


Yes...again, more to come.



> 5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?


I'm afraid my answer will be a bit vague...maybe sound a bit like a cop-out. But...the female form is beautiful. The filmed and photographed images I've seen of two women together are beautiful and quite sexy. But trying to explain why it appeals to me is kinda like trying to explain why, for instance, I like the taste of chocolate...I just do.



> 6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?


Tricky question. My wife has expressed to me a curiosity in her being with another woman. I gave her my blessing, with a few conditions...1) That she not keep it secret, 2) that I at least get to watch, and 3) if either of us found it to be beyond our ability to handle mentally or emotionally, that would be the end of it. She began semi-actively looking for someone she felt the right vibe with who would go along with those conditions. After having issues within our marriage, but before having found such a woman, she decided that, while I think I would be able to handle it, she doesn't think I can, and has stopped looking.

So...which one of us proposed it?



> 7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?


No. Not in person, anyway, which is what I figure you mean.



> 8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch _you_ with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?


For me, a loaded question in other ways, too. My wife does not find guy-on-guy appealing, so she wouldn't ask it. She does, however, know that I "experimented" with my college roommate. So, all things being equal, it wouldn't automatically be out of the question. My college gf, on the other hand, was quite turned on by the idea and frequently rented bi/gay porn...although she DIDN'T know about my earlier experimentation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)? 

*Yes*

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Yes*

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?

*Yes*

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Yes*

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?

For me, seeing two women having sex with each other can be a gorgeously sexy thing to see. I can't really pinpoint the exact thing, but I love women's bodies and seeing two women appreciating each other in a loving, sexual manner just turns me on. Now, I will say that I have watched porn and most of the obligatory "lesbian" scenes they throw into most straight porn is boring, at best because I know that even if the women are into it, the whole thing is just too fake to me. That said, I have also seen some good lesbian porn scenes produced with more than the male audience in mind. 

6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife? 

No, she would not be into it at all and I would not try to convince her to. Some fantasies should remain just that when it comes to wives or girlfriends who don't share your wishes. 

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?

I was involved in a threesome with a former girlfriend and a good friend of hers once a long time ago. 

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch you with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?

I'm not into men sexually, so her watching me with another man won't happen. If she wanted to engage in a threesome with another man, then I might be up for it, but I would not want to do anything to him. If he wanted to give oral, that would be ok. 

Like I said above, I wouldn't want to force my wife to do anything sexually that she wasn't comfortable with, so of course I understand why a woman who is not interested in other women sexually would not want to engage in such activity.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

> What is your honest opinion of the almost seemingly "mandatory" girl-on-girl at clubs this generation? Do you believe the majority of women (save for legitimately bi or lesbian) are such willing participants because this is now the thing that men require (seems we haven't changed much over the millennia in terms of making it all about them lol). Or do you think these women really enjoy it and get a rush (whether they're bi or not) and that we now live in a society free enough to allow it? Or do you think something else altogether?


I do agree with what Catherine has said.

I also want to add that women are socially conditioned to find other females attractive. We are bombarded with images of female sexuality and saturated with ideas that women are sexy.

We are also told these days that if you are bi you are sexier, more adventurous, men will like you more and find you more attractive and you aren't just a boring  straight girl.

Any man who really seriously wants his woman to be with another person is a cheater IMO and not strong enough to maintain a committed relationship.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

For once I agree with Syrum. When society throws out all its morals and decides that they were just based on some religion anyway, so that can't possibly be any good, it should remember that moral systems serve another purpose than just holding people back from having fun. If you're going to build a system of ethics from scratch, it may help to read up on the subject and see what other thinkers have to say about it. "If it feels good, do it" is no basis for a marriage or really a way to go through life.

The greater benefit of society is considered when ethics are adopted, and ultimately, as should be clear after the banking fiasco, the greater benefit of society ultimately benefits the individuals. I mean, what are the rich bankers going to do, eat gold? We need farmers, garbage men, construction workers, etc., to have a functioning society.

I'm not a prude, far from it. When I was younger, the people a little older than me were the hippies, and I kind of looked up to them. I saw that drugs really don't kill you the first time you try them (except when they do), and so I thought "the man" was lying just to oppress "us". But in the end, I now have known several people to die in their forties after a lifetime of partying, and several others to have ruined their lives. Not to mention that every dimebag you purchase goes to pay for some bullets that end up inside an innocent person's skull. 

It's important not to throw out the baby with the bathwater when you try to reconstruct ethics from scratch. Just because a religion says not to do something, doesn't mean that you should do that very thing when you reject religion. It's not about going to hell, it's about your own good. We're not punished for our sins, we're punished by them. There's a reason religions have lasted for thousands of years, and the hippie thing was really only cool for about a decade.

For the record, I'm not religious, but I now don't find girl-on-girl hot, I find it to be annoying how often it comes up in porn. You can lose your wife to a chick just as easily as you can to a man. Play with fire and you will get burned. Men today ignore this at their peril.

6&8 no, the rest yes.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I get where you're coming from, ManDup, even if I can't quite bring myself to agree with Syrum. (The one time I did, I had to hide while the four guys on horseback rode by.)

That said, I would add that anyone going into a scenario like the one this thread is centered around would, most certainly, need to go into it with their eyes wide open as to potential consequences, and if they have the slightest doubt as to their ability to handle those consequences, then it's a non-starter. You're correct...it's possible to lose one's wife (or husband) to someone of the same sex, not just the opposite. Why, it happened to people I know/used to work with. Married couple, two kids. The wife considered herself bi. They formed a close friendship with an open lesbian that we also worked with. At some point after both halves of the couple left to work elsewhere, they divorced because the wife had fallen for the other woman. The women are still together. But, if we limit our experiences to only those that carry no risk at all, we're left with a very short list.

So, from my perspective, it comes down to what all parties involved on any situation (be it sexual, emotional, business, social, etc) find acceptable that does not harm or infringe upon another's safety. And, if there's not a meeting of the minds, as noted, it should be a non-starter and/or defer to the party with the more cconservative boundaries on the issue, relatively speaking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

What is your honest opinion of the almost seemingly "mandatory" girl-on-girl at clubs this generation? Do you believe the majority of women (save for legitimately bi or lesbian) are such willing participants because this is now the thing that men require (seems we haven't changed much over the millennia in terms of making it all about them lol). Or do you think these women really enjoy it and get a rush (whether they're bi or not) and that we now live in a society free enough to allow it? Or do you think something else altogether?


ok...answering the ladies questions:

I think the girl/girl club action is obnoxious and immature. 
I believe that many women get a rush from playing around like that and they enjoy the rush itself...not actually the experience of being with another woman.
Personally, I think women are the best kissers.(sorry fellas...just my opinion) Im not bi or bi curious though and think it's stupid when women start fondling and kissing each other in clubs with 20 drooling guys watching...typically these aren't "women" doing this sort of thing...these are "girls" doing this to impress boys.

I'd like to believe the majority of females i've seen giving each other a tongue bath in clubs are just gorgeous lesbians...but reality tells me, they're just looking for the rush,the attention,and the "hey i did that" coolness being bi seems to bring these days.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?

Absolutely

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

Often

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?

Definitely

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

Often

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?

Sure if you can tell my why any woman finds Bruce Springsteen or Mick Jagger even mildly attractive, much less "hot". All kidding aside, I must agree with most of the other male posters. Women are just beautiful in so many ways and I am a visual person so seeing two beautiful bodies together...

6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?

Mostly in jest. She is pretty much anti-sex any more so we don't discuss fantasies. (And yes I know, here comes the attacks because I am some horndog who doesn't appreciate women for who they are..)

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?

No, never had the opportunity.

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch you with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?

I would be open to considering an MMF with her but I don't think I could do a straight guy/guy thing with her watching. Let's face it men's bodies are just gross.  Yes, I know it is a total double standard.

I have to agree with WhiteRabbit too. I don't get out to clubs so don't get to see much of this type of activity but I would imagine it is mostly attention getting just like provocative dress. Now whether that is socialized, genetics, or the affects of porn on the world, I will have to leave that to Syrum.


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## Samantha1980 (Aug 22, 2011)

I really appreciate the candor with which everyone here shares. It's very helpful. It's especially helpful to know this is a "normal" male fantasy as opposed to a total deviant perv one... even though I still don't understand it. I guess the conclusion that I draw is that threesomes and shall we say G-on-G "performance art" is, generally speaking, about lust, not love.

Personally, I cannot imagine doing something I don't want to do just to "please" a man -- even a man I love, even if he were my husband. And hopefully one day I'll be with someone who would never dream of asking me to do something he knows I don't want to.

@Catherine Excellently, well said!!!


Catherine602 said:


> When there is a list of expectations and preconceived standard of performance and an evaluation thrown in, it is not even sex anymore, it's an acting job. One partner needs to pass the audition with every performance.



@WhiteRabbit, I have quite a few lesbian friends and none of them give each other tongue baths for the purposes of male entertainment (which swould be the case in such venues)  so I think you're right.


WhiteRabbit said:


> I'd like to believe the majority of females i've seen giving each other a tongue bath in clubs are just gorgeous lesbians...but reality tells me, they're just looking for the rush,the attention,and the "hey i did that" coolness being bi seems to bring these days.



@frustr8dhubby, Thank you. This makes me feel validated. 


frustr8dhubby said:


> Yes, I know it is a total double standard.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Samantha1980 said:


> Personally, I cannot imagine doing something I don't want to do just to "please" a man -- even a man I love, even if he were my husband. And hopefully one day I'll be with someone who would never dream of asking me to do something he knows I don't want to.


And there are some key words right there. No one should be asked to perform any act they don't want to do. At the same time, I do allow some wiggle room for broaching a subject (if one's stance on it isn't clear) to see whether or not it is indeed something one doesn't want to do. Once Partner B tells Partner A that it's a no-go, though, that should be it. Unless Partner B has a change of heart and brings it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?

*Yes.*

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Yes.*

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?

*Yes yes.*

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?

*Yes yes yes.*

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?

*How can you describe why something turns you on? It just does.*

6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?

*No, she's too "nice" a girl.*

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?

*No. Still on the wish list.*

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch you with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?

*Tough one. Men do not turn me on, but to be one of two men pleasing a woman, I wouldn't rule it out. Please don't make assumptions.*


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Samantha1980 said:


> 1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?


Yes



Samantha1980 said:


> 2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


Yes



Samantha1980 said:


> 3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?


Yes



Samantha1980 said:


> 4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


Yes



Samantha1980 said:


> 5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?


Besides the obvious "women are teh sexy!":
a) I love seeing women have a good time
b) There are some things my girlfriend enjoys that would be much easier to accomplish if we had an assistant.



Samantha1980 said:


> 6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?


Not exactly "proposed", but we have discussed it. While I think it would probably be quite a bit of fun and I'm open to giving it serious consideration, it's not the kind of thing I have an interest in seeking out.



Samantha1980 said:


> 7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?


No. I've certainly seen some girl-on-girl "heavy petting" performed for my enjoyment, I don't think that really counts though.



Samantha1980 said:


> 8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch _you_ with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?


No and yes. I am freakishly hetero, I don't believe I would be physically able to engage in sexual activity with another man. 
I can definitely see how the same should be true in reverse, but female sexuality seems to be quite different than male sexuality. 
If she wanted a threesome with another man I would be willing to give it some consideration. I really doubt I would go for it, but as long as she is the focus of our activities it would at least be possible for me to participate, if I chose to. Probably I would make a counter proposal that we just find a woman and a strap-on and call it close enough...


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## ren (Aug 1, 2011)

Grayson said:


> And there are some key words right there. No one should be asked to perform any act they don't want to do. At the same time, I do allow some wiggle room for broaching a subject (if one's stance on it isn't clear) to see whether or not it is indeed something one doesn't want to do. Once Partner B tells Partner A that it's a no-go, though, that should be it. Unless Partner B has a change of heart and brings it up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It seems like common sense but so many people seem to not get this. For whatever reason, nearly everyone has quite a bit of difficulty having honest and open discussions about sex with their partners. I suspect it is because most people are ashamed of sex and yet simultaneously driven by their sexual desires. It's hard to ask, it's easy to say no, it's hard to accept no.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I get where you're coming from, ManDup, even if I can't quite bring myself to agree with Syrum. (The one time I did, I had to hide while the four guys on horseback rode by.)


:rofl:
I agree with anyone who makes sense, I comment from thread to thread, with no carry over. 

But seriously I believe most women want men with integrity who will put their marriage first.

Serious talk about threesomes show women that the men they hoped their husbands will be (protector etc) will never be. Then they start fantasizing about men who will give them that security.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Syrum said:


> :rofl:
> I agree with anyone who makes sense, I comment from thread to thread, with no carry over.
> 
> But seriously I believe most women want men with integrity who will put their marriage first.
> ...


I disagree (whew). Serious TALK about anything should be ok, as mentioned earlier, as long as badgering isn't involved, if only to reveal attitudes like the one you have. If a husband asked, and you then said, "I need to feel protected by you and feel that you put our marriage first, and you asking for threesomes makes me not feel that way" then the man might actually learn something that day. And he might use that to actually quash his longing for threesomes, rather than just pretending he doesn't want one because he's afraid of his wife and how she might react. Open dialogue is always good.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Aye, I am not quite sure how you make the leap from fantasizing about threesomes and maybe talking to the Mrs. about them equates to having no integrity or not putting the marriage first? It is a FANTASY!


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?
YES

2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?
YES

3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?
YES

4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?
YES

5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?
YES, same as what everyone else said. it's attractive. I'm interested in many kinds of sexuality. watching a big pile of androgynous people naked writhing in oil would have the same effect. sex is happening. it's sexy.
6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?
YES

7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?
YES

8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch you with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?
YES it's happened. i generally prefer this type of a threeway more than the "usual" girl/girl/guy


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ManDup said:


> I disagree (whew). Serious TALK about anything should be ok, as mentioned earlier, as long as badgering isn't involved, if only to reveal attitudes like the one you have. If a husband asked, and you then said, "I need to feel protected by you and feel that you put our marriage first, and you asking for threesomes makes me not feel that way" then the man might actually learn something that day. And he might use that to actually quash his longing for threesomes, rather than just pretending he doesn't want one because he's afraid of his wife and how she might react. Open dialogue is always good.


true.

I guess I am assuming that people are more like me and let the other person know what they think before marriage. So if my SO kept badgering me about threesomes (as I have seen posted by women here), he would all ready know how I felt.

However I think before men or women bring anything up seriously, they should think about the consequences of doing so. I guess if my So thought seriously that it would be a good idea and brought it up, it would go back to the fact that I wouldn't feel I could trust him to lead our marriage(with integrity). Which is what I want/ believe I need from a man. 

Therefore if my man said "I really want to a threesome, this is something I have seriously considered and desire"

I would think,
-you seriously want to sleep with someone else.
-I am not enough for you
-you are not committed to me sexually
-You don't understand the vital role committed sex and intimacy plays for me in our relationship-


You understand that bringing someone else in could bring
1.feelings from either one of us or infatuation for another person
2. unwanted pregnancy
3. disease
4. someone who is infatuated with one of us or has feelings we don't want into our lives
5. insecurity
6. the realization that we are not enough for each other and never will be, so what is next?

I also don't believe that focusing on others ever brings two people closer together.

So I would conclude that my own husband was not a friend (to use a term used here often) to our own marriage. That he did not have the core values I thought he did, and that he is not man enough for me. My trust in his ability to be committed would be gone, even if he never acted on it.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Aye, I am not quite sure how you make the leap from fantasizing about threesomes and maybe talking to the Mrs. about them equates to having no integrity or not putting the marriage first? It is a FANTASY!


Actually I fantasize about threesomes myself. I am talking about someone asking seriously for a threesome. 
I have seen many posters here where there husbands keep on asking trying, to wear them down.
But for me being asked even once would harm how I felt about him.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Wait, am I reading that right that you also have fantasized about threesomes but if he mentioned it you would think less of him???

Syrum, I am honestly curious about your views. I don't want to take over this thread so maybe some day I will hit you up via PM or something. How long have you been married and it appears that you and your SO are on the same page sexually?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Wait, am I reading that right that you also have fantasized about threesomes but if he mentioned it you would think less of him???
> 
> Syrum, I am honestly curious about your views. I don't want to take over this thread so maybe some day I will hit you up via PM or something. How long have you been married and it appears that you and your SO are on the same page sexually?


No I am fine with us fantasizing carefully about threesomes together, Involving fictitional people who cannot come between us, who do not in any way threaten our relationship. In fact he does not even bring up the fantasy, I do. that is what we are both comfortable with and he respects my feelings on this completely. We are all ways at the centre of the fantasy.
If he did bring it up, it would be about the fantasy, and I am confident he would never ask me for something like that.

I was married for 10 years and made a lot of mistakes with that relationship. I am now engaged and sexually yes we are much more on the same page. 

It helps that I am very honest and I believe so is he. At the beginning we talked and talked and talked about values, what we both wanted long term, boundaries, sex etc and we are still talking. I am well aware I have high standards and strong boundaries, but that is what makes for a great relationship... so I truly believe.

We have had some issues like anyone, but we are still moving forward because I can say none of my boundaries have been crossed nor his, and when we have had issues we have worked on it.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Syrum said:


> No I am fine with us fantasizing carefully about threesomes together, Involving fictitional people who cannot come between us, who do not in any way threaten our relationship.



This is not intended to "call you out", but I've seen/heard this said, in context to this, and other fantasies, situations, etc. and personally, i will NEVER understand this statement.

my .02-
If you are truly in love, and are truly loved, and are communicating about your fantasies/desires/etc. properly, I don't care WHO the person in the fantasy is, or real life for that matter is, it could be the persons family, or your family, or someone physically way more attractive, or way more interesting, or more appealing in some other way, it doesn't matter.

IF you're with the right person, doing the right things, NOBODY else can "threaten" your relationship other than yourself, or your partner. If they can, than you have bigger problems than what/who you're fantasizing about.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> This is not intended to "call you out", but I've seen/heard this said, in context to this, and other fantasies, situations, etc. and personally, i will NEVER understand this statement.
> 
> my .02-
> If you are truly in love, and are truly loved, I don't care WHO the person in the fantasy, or real life for that matter is, it could be the persons family, or your family, or someone physically way more attractive, or way more interesting, or more appealing in some other way, it doesn't matter.
> ...


I disagree. Real people with real lives and feelings, develop relationships all the time. If you know someone in real life and allow your self to fantasize about them and allow them into your brain that way then IMO they have all ready started to come between you and your attraction and affection and sexual thoughts about your SO.

Many good people find themselves in bad situations where it is very hard to walk away from temptation. I have been there myself. So now I just don't go there. That is part of not letting any one come between you. Set the appropriate boundaries before it happens and stick to them, and you increase your chances of not allowing it to ever happen.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I disagree. Real people with real lives and feelings, develop relationships all the time. If you know someone in real life and allow your self to fantasize about them and allow them into your brain that way then IMO they have all ready started to come between you and your attraction and affection and sexual thoughts about your SO.


I hope we can agree to disagree, and remain cordial, but this statement bothers me as well. Maybe I'm crazy, but if I fantasize about someone, it's not because they're more attractive, or smarter, or nicer, or whatever than my SO is, it's simply because they're "not my SO", and that is why it's sexy. I think that's pretty normal honestly. Especially when the couple have been together for an extended time. It's like the age old "show me the hottest girl in the world, and I'll show you the guy that's sick of having sex with her." If it's someone that you know, or saw on the street, and both you, and your SO found them attractive, and you can both fantasize about this person together, that's even sexier.

If someone came along that I thought was more attractive, nicer, more interesting, fit, sexy, etc. than my SO, and they were attracted to me also, I wouldn't be afraid to fantasize about them, because I'd probably be with them instead of my SO. Why wouldn't I? Why wouldn't anyone? Should we stay in relationships beause it's comfortable? Or familiar? Or beause of kids, etc? Oh, because of that thing called "love", right? Where does love come from? How does it feel? What makes it stop?

I live my life for me, and my SO is a part of me, and for me to say I don't want to take the risk of fantasizing about someone I know because they might come between me and my SO, is just as silly as saying I don't want to buy a gun for protection because I might get really mad and accidentaly shoot someone I love. If that happened, who's fault is it, mine, or the guns?

Lastly, once again in my opinion, if there is ever a tempation so strong that I couldn't walk away from, I would most likely indulge myself in it. Life is too short not too.

edit* I wanted to edit this to be sure it was apparant that I'm not intending to generalize, or say I'm right, or anyone else is wrong, I'm simply trying to offer an opinion that is different, but is mine.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't own a gun. I know stats show I am more likely to hurt someone I love or for a perp to use it on me. 

I happen to believe that modern society tell s us that we must have variety in sex, and that if we don't we are prudish and stale and boring. That is just not the case. You can have an amazing sex life, fully committed to one person. 

Will I never see someone I am attracted to again? I doubt it. Will I let that influence my thinking and fantasies? No I personally won't.

Oh and we all meet attractive, exciting, engaging people all the time. It's easy to leave a *commitment* for something new and shiney, however then you weren't really committed. I believe it takes a greater level of commitment to say "Even when I'm not feeling attracted to you, or having doubts about how much I even like you, even when i in those bad times I meet someone very attractive, I will not turn to someone else, I will work through it, I will focus on us and our commitment, I will try and remember what I love about you, and why I did find you to be the most attractive and I know I can do that again."

And call me crazy, but I do not want to go to bed with my SO and have him fantasizing about the neighbour. I want him to be focused on me and what is sexy about me. I am very sure he doesn't want me fantasizing about the neighbour either. He wants to be able to turn me on. 

I also believe that when you focus on one person and getting sexual satisfaction from them, you have an increase in oxytocin and the more good thoughts sexual and otherwise you have about them, and the more good deeds you do for each other, the more you bond and have a great connection. When you involve others that connection and bond begins to suffer and breaks down.

*ETA If that was your attitude , then you definitely to do not have the values that I would need in a long term relationship. My life is too valuable to waste it spending my time, energy and effort to have my SO not be completely committed, I am worth far more then that.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

> something new and shiney, however then you weren't really committed. I believe it takes a greater level of commitment to say "Even when I'm not feeling attracted to you, or having doubts about how much I even like you, even when i in those bad times I meet someone very attractive, I will not turn to someone else, I will work through it, I will focus on us and our commitment, I will try and remember what I love about you, and why I did find you to be the most attractive and I know I can do that again."


I agree COMPLETELY with this statement. Which I guess is why am saying what I am saying. I have no problem fantasizing about something new and shiny, or my SO doing so, because we ARE committed. I think it takes an even GREATER committment than the one you described to have a conversation like "man that girl is so hot!" "yeah she is, isnt she?" "yes, man the things i would do to her". "yeah, me too, god this makes me hot thinking about it." Then you go home together, and mutually masturbate thinking about the three of you together, or any combinations of the three/two/single/whatever, or she literally comes home with the two of you. OR A GUY, (i'm not going to fit the stereotype of a 3some is just two girls and one guy only) because to me it shows that you're interested in the same things, understand one anothers desires, likes, etc. and are committed/comfortable enough to discuss your attractions, and know that you're still going home with your SO. I actually think we're saying the same exact thing, just in different ways honestly.

The reason I can boldly say the things I've said, such as "If I met someone more attractive, fun, etc. than my SO, I wouldn't fantasize about them, I'd BE with them", is because I won't find that person. I am so committed to my relationship, that I should probably be committed to an institution. 


Where we disagree is in our methods. I am so in love with my wife, and committed to our love and relationship, that I would encourage her to fantasize about other people, or whatever she wanted, because i trust her, love her, am committed to her, and have spoken with her for years, about what turns her on, her fantasies, her desires, etc. and likewise her with me. 
Do I/we "need" these fantasies/encounters? no. just like you don't need to eat steak ever. you can survive never eating it. but we like steak, and like to have it from time to time.

So I see nothing wrong with fantasising about people you know, or threesomes, or whatever a person and their SO are into when it is done safely, together, mutually, and has been talked to death by both of you, because it makes sense to me, and to my SO, and is exciting to us, and has actually helped us to understand one another better.

Once again, just my perspective, and my experiences. your milage may vary. But I do believe we are truly talking about the same thing here.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I still disagree with you. I also trust my SO. I trust him to put our relationship first, allowing other people into the relationship, would not IMO be putting it first. I trust him not to hurt me, and he trusts me to do the same. For us that means not fantasizing about others. that is where the boundaries start for us. 

I think that divorce is so high these days because boundaries are so loose, anything goes as long as the penis doesn't enter a vagina. Having good boundaries doesn't make you insecure, in fact it takes a very secure person to be clear about their boundaries and to know they are worth it and stick with them.

I think it's easy to fantasize about others, and takes no real commitment at all. In fact it's easy to become aroused by others and use them in this way. it takes much more focus and commitment to put your sexual focus on your SO and think of ways to make each other horny and satisfied, to share fantasies that focus on the two of you instead of adding others. It is harder but far more rewarding IMO. 

In my past relationship I used to fantasize about others to get turned on. It was lazy and did nothing to help us connect.


I don't believe you are more committed if you fantasize about others. :scratchhead:


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Grayson said:


> I get where you're coming from, ManDup, even if I can't quite bring myself to agree with Syrum. (The one time I did, I had to hide while the four guys on horseback rode by.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 :rofl::rofl::rofl:

If one was headless your in trouble.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

30some I wonder how you're going to feel when the better model throws you over for a better model? If life's too short for you it is so with everyone.

Sometimes I wonder if people who say this think that they are the only one's with options.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Grayson said:


> I get where you're coming from, ManDup, even if I can't quite bring myself to agree with Syrum. (The one time I did, I had to hide while the four guys on horseback rode by.)
> 
> That said, I would add that anyone going into a scenario like the one this thread is centered around would, most certainly, need to go into it with their eyes wide open as to potential consequences, and if they have the slightest doubt as to their ability to handle those consequences, then it's a non-starter. You're correct...it's possible to lose one's wife (or husband) to someone of the same sex, not just the opposite. Why, it happened to people I know/used to work with. Married couple, two kids. The wife considered herself bi. They formed a close friendship with an open lesbian that we also worked with. At some point after both halves of the couple left to work elsewhere, they divorced because the wife had fallen for the other woman. The women are still together. But, if we limit our experiences to only those that carry no risk at all, we're left with a very short list.
> 
> ...


And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth. 

I am not religious, but the above is still powerful.

The bottom line if you bring another man into the bedroom and she leaves you for him .....


You F^ck'd up.


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> 30some I wonder how you're going to feel when the better model throws you over for a better model? If life's too short for you it is so with everyone.
> 
> Sometimes I wonder if people who say this think that they are the only one's with options.


I don't know how I'd feel. It hasn't happened. I would imagine I would feel bad, hurt, sad. I never said that my SO would not feel these things if it happened to her, However, (and this would answer your second thing you wondered about regarding options) if she were to find someone else that she felt more attracted to on whatever level that pleased her/made her happier than she is/was with me, than i would applaud her for doing so, albiet while feeling those emotions previously mentioned. It's like people that hate their jobs, and complain about them constantly, but don't even look in the help wanted ads. I think people can become so comfortable in sadness, a bad marriage, or just a "comfortable" marriage/relationship, that they almost think they deserve to be stuck in it. The only other way I can rationalize it is they don't think they can do any better, or they settle, or are just lazy.

Once again though, I don't believe I will ever find anyone better than my wife, or someone that I would be more attracted to overall physically, or emtionally, etc. But I'm also understanding enough to say if she does not feel the same about me, and she did find someone else, I would encourage her to pursue it. Why wouldn't I? I love her, I love myself, and I love life, and people, and i feel like nobody should get in the way of someone elses happiness, and I wouldn't want to share my life with someone that wishes they were with someone else.

My apologies if this doesn't make sense to anyone, I'm not really trying to sway anyones opinions, simply trying to explain my own.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

OK, I have to weigh in again.

Syrum. This is coming from someone in the honeymoon phase who is on the same sexual page as their SO (Yes, I know you were married before).

Where I am not sure you can relate is to those of use that are married and love our wives greatly but they have zero desire for us (or anyone she claims). Yes we focus on trying to fix our marriages but are left unfulfilled and trying to figure out if their lack of desire for us is worth destroying an otherwise great marriage.

I am also curious if things are so well for you, why you are on a site about marriage problems?


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I am also curious if things are so well for you, why you are on a site about marriage problems?


I'm not sure if this was directed towards me or not, but if so, I'll happily answer.

First off, I have only been aware of this forum for two days, but I've read quite a bit, and I don't think this site is about marriage problems. I think it's an open forum to discuss marriage and relationships, including their problems. But for every person that has a problem, and seeks advice in something, there's someone out there who's ready to give it, and has already been thru the same situation and can be helpful.

Anyways, the reason I came on here is I did a google search for a specific issue I was having, that at it's core, had nothing to do with marriage, but was a question I had regarding sexuality, and libido. Google directed me to a thread on here, and I browsed a bit, and decided to create an account and ask my question. I got some good responses, some crap, some helpful, some not, and I felt like to "give back", I would read a few threads that pertained to things I had gone thru, or done successfully, and try to help if I could.

I'm not an expert, but my marriage is amazing, and I could never have dreamed I would be just over 30 years old, and have been with the same girl for over half my life, and married for 13 years, and that things would still be as exciting, and fresh as they were the day we met, but I also think marriage and relationships are constantly evolving, so anyone, regardless of their age, time together, etc. always have room to grow, but they also have room to grow apart, and I hope I never get comfortable in my relationship to the point that I think I know it all, and don't keep an ear open to listen to what others have to say.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Syrum said:


> :rofl:
> 
> Serious talk about threesomes show women that the men they hoped their husbands will be (protector etc) will never be. Then they start fantasizing about men who will give them that security.


Does that work both ways?

My wife is the one who has pushed the threesome idea while I decline.

How does that work with genders reversed?


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Does that work both ways?
> 
> My wife is the one who has pushed the threesome idea while I decline.
> 
> How does that work with genders reversed?


I personally have problems with profiling, stereotyping, sexism, etc. I understand that the "general" population a comment like this is accurate- 


> Serious talk about threesomes show women that the men they hoped their husbands will be (protector etc) will never be. Then they start fantasizing about men who will give them that security.


But I also know that it's not 100% accurate, and it's a great big world, and there's a lot of various people, with various thoughts, identities, sexual preferences, roles, etc. out there.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

tacoma said:


> Does that work both ways?
> 
> My wife is the one who has pushed the threesome idea while I decline.
> 
> How does that work with genders reversed?


According to Syrum in a similar thread in the Sex in Marriage section, although your declining makes you a "strong leader," that your wife keeps proposing it is an overall failure of the man in the relationship:

_Nope I am not saying that at all, but a lot of women play along with it, or suggest it thinking it's what their men want, and that it will make them sexier etc. They think their husbands will love them more. Or they suggest as some men do, thinking they can cake eat.

I believe that a good marriage has a good leader, it's not being a good leader, nor a good decision maker if you allow things into your marriage that have a very good chance of weakening it or ruining it. A good husband would say absolutely NO way to anything of the sort._

Full thread at: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/30096-wife-curious-about-another-woman-threesome-watching-new-post.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> OK, I have to weigh in again.
> 
> Syrum. This is coming from someone in the honeymoon phase who is on the same sexual page as their SO (Yes, I know you were married before).
> 
> ...


I never said my relationship was free of problems. It isn't perfect and I have learned a lot from this website. 

I guess I felt I was the only person who desired to be in a relationship with a dominant male (not kidding, no one I know has the type of relationship I would like to have). My fiance and I are working towards that, but both not having much experience in it we often find it difficult to get where we want to go, while both understanding each other.

I also know I could not live in a sexless marriage, and believe there is a point you have to walk away, as you cannot sacrifice all of your self and what is important to you. 


If you have tried your best and done all you can, then you can exit the relationship with dignity, and not because of an affair or attraction to someone new, but because you were at the end of the day, truly incompatible and the relationship was not right for you.

I applaud people for trying very hard and giving their husbands/ wives the opportunity to help get the relationship on track, because they do love them.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Does that work both ways?
> 
> My wife is the one who has pushed the threesome idea while I decline.
> 
> How does that work with genders reversed?


Of course that works both ways. 

You should be asking why your wife wants to open your marriage up to such things, why she is willing to risk what you have. Somethings not right, and I for one would be very worried about your relationship.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

30somethingmale said:


> I personally have problems with profiling, stereotyping, sexism, etc. I understand that the "general" population a comment like this is accurate-
> 
> 
> But I also know that it's not 100% accurate, and it's a great big world, and there's a lot of various people, with various thoughts, identities, sexual preferences, roles, etc. out there.


There are, but they are wrong. 
The thing is, we spend so much time in these PC days talking about the fringe of the fringe about everything, that everyone feels they have to participate (like the OP) and everyone feels that normal isn't allowed. 

Well someone should stand up and tell girls that if they get married after two weeks, they have a fair chance of ending up with a guy with no character. But it's considered normal now to just hook up with whoever, and if you get preggers, just get married. It takes longer than that go have a sociopath show their true colors. People used to know this stuff. If you want a quality guy, keep your partner count low. This used to be common sense, but now we make it like every girl has to do bj's on the first date. And we make it like staying home to raise kids is not economical or fulfilling (*spoiler alert* it is both). 

And we make it like everyone should have a threesome because there's one guy that we heard about on the internet that was able to do it and keep his marriage together for another year afterward. Well there are many, many marriages which fail over this stuff. That's the reality. Huge risk, little reward. Watch porn for your fantasies.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ManDup men and women should keep their partner count low. because studies show that both men and women who sleep with many people are not as likely to remain in a committed long term relationship.

Also NO do not watch porn for your fantasies. Porn is like junk food sex, highly addictive, and just rubbish really.

To have a really good sexual relationship, try having realistic fantasies that can easily incorporate your SO, be open about them from the start and marry someone who will be sexual with you, because it's very important.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I've got nothing against porn or fantasies. I'm more about ethics than morals. I used both extensively in the past. However, if a woman says "NO PORN" to you, they need to be willing to back that up with sex more or less on demand and a willingness to experiment. Likewise "NO MASTURBATING". I totally agree that the real thing is preferable, and I am fortunate enough to be in that situation today. But I don't begrudge it to anyone who needs it for whatever reason. Likewise junk food.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ManDup said:


> There are, but they are wrong.
> *The thing is, we spend so much time in these PC days talking about the fringe of the fringe about everything, that everyone feels they have to participate (like the OP) and everyone feels that normal isn't allowed. *
> 
> Well someone should stand up and tell girls that if they get married after two weeks, they have a fair chance of ending up with a guy with no character. But it's considered normal now to just hook up with whoever, and if you get preggers, just get married. It takes longer than that go have a sociopath show their true colors. People used to know this stuff. If you want a quality guy, keep your partner count low. This used to be common sense, but now we make it like every girl has to do bj's on the first date. And we make it like staying home to raise kids is not economical or fulfilling (*spoiler alert* it is both).
> ...


:iagree:


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I Think probably the turn on is the forbidden fruit syndrome!


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

I think men are biologically promiscuous animals and manogomy is still being sowed into our genetic makeup. That coupled with the disgusting amount of pornography in the mainstream, not to mention the internet, has pushed the threesome fantasy into a troubling place.

I will hold true to my original oberservation that the act of bringing a third party into the bedroom in itself is not damaging. When the 'couple' is not mature enough, on the same page, doesnt protect the other persons boundaries problems will arise. 

And of course there are risks involved, even if you meet the criteria presented above. People change, people fall in and out of love all the time for all sorts of reasons. Little risks brings little reward.

Perhaps the sexual pressure placed on women is to blame. Even if the woman is curious, their may be a subcncious voice in their head saying, "do it, its the right thing, its what *he* wants". 
After the act feelings of guilt, or maybe shame, will surface in her that will damage the relationship. While the man gets to lay back and relieve the experience... before passing out (HAHA), the woman worries if she did the right thing. 

Is this what she really wanted?
Is this what she thought she needed to do to be a good wife?
Did she give in to peer pressure?
Did she do it just to "fit in" and be cool?
Did he dominate her will? 



The reason a man would want a threesome is simple. We are visual creatures and whats better than looking at one beautiful girl? Multiple beautiful women. The fantasy of being able to lay back and watch two gorgeous women pleasure each other and yourself is the greatest fantasy ever. But its just that. 

In real life threesomes involving two women are much more work for the man than the man might think. Porn makes FFM all about the man and his member. But thats for the audiance, thats who you are appealing too. In real life the man has two women to please. He has to keep enough blood flow going to his big head to ensure he satisfies both women. 

Most men are completely incapable of properly having a threesome because, due to porn- and the ever increasing societal narcisissim, they think its about their pleasure. Its not. Each member has the duty to ensure all other members involved are enjoying themselves. 
In a threesome, selflesness is king.

I believe Syrum and 30Something are arguing the same case, from different perspectives. Syrum states she has strong boundaries and any man that tries to alter them is in for a surprise, whereas 30S believes the ability for a loving couple to leave the threesome option within their communal boundary landscape is possible. Sorry if I misinterperetted your stuff guys, but thanks for the great read! 

It would seem the real arguement isnt about the negative effects a 3some can potentially have on a serious relationship, but the potential for gain from undertaking such a venture.

I know I have the proper mental attitude to succesfully pull off a threesome. I know my wife does not. Out of respect for her boundaries, but more importantly for our marital boundaries that we have agree'd too, I do not ever bring it up, ever ever. We spoke about it early on in the relationship, and she did seem curious at the time, but she has made it 100% clear she has no desire to bring anyone else into the relationship. I made it 100% clear that I will respect and honour her wishes. But being the sick evil **** that I am, I had to throw in the fact that Im always up for the idea.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

ManDup said:


> I've got nothing against porn or fantasies. I'm more about ethics than morals. I used both extensively in the past. However, if a woman says "NO PORN" to you, they need to be willing to back that up with sex more or less on demand and a willingness to experiment. Likewise "NO MASTURBATING". I totally agree that the real thing is preferable, and I am fortunate enough to be in that situation today. But I don't begrudge it to anyone who needs it for whatever reason. Likewise junk food.


I believe that if people have morals and ethics that they will look at the issues surrounding porn and the women used in it, the abuse and degradation of women and some men and choose not to view it.

However I do not believe that either spouse (when relatively healthy) should deny each other sex, and both should be willing to experiment (not based on unrealistic porn standards) but neither should expect the other to do anything they are truly uncomfortable with.

Myself even when I am no where near in the mood am still open to be gotten in the mood.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

Personally, that has never appealed to me. Unless a woman is bisexual, she's only participating in a FMF threesome to please YOU.
I'm into pleasing a woman, that is the real turn on for me.

Besides, once you nutt you need a break for round two while the women either wait for you to recover OR play with each other and ignore you.

As unappealing as it may sound to most a MFM actually makes more sense. A woman has multiple areas that can be filled simultaneously AND she can go and go and go....

Women who are asked about having a threesome with another woman by her man, she should say yes if later she can have a threesome with another guy.
*The subject will be dropped forever!*


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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

KJ5000 said:


> Besides, once you nutt you need a break for round two


Not all men are created equal




KJ5000 said:


> Women who are asked about having a threesome with another woman by her man, she should say yes if later she can have a threesome with another guy.
> *The subject will be dropped forever!*


In general I would agree with this statement as I know many a man who would drop the subject in a heartbeat, should *she* turn to tables.

I would have no qualms with an mmf threesome. I dont think Id ever want to have one if it meant I was expected to be sexual with the guy, though.

Or maybe I just said that to fit the male stereotype???


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## 30somethingmale (Aug 25, 2011)

KJ5000 said:


> Personally, that has never appealed to me. Unless a woman is bisexual, she's only participating in a FMF threesome to please YOU.
> I'm into pleasing a woman, that is the real turn on for me.
> 
> Besides, once you nutt you need a break for round two while the women either wait for you to recover OR play with each other and ignore you.
> ...



What's wrong with doing something with no reason other than to please your spouse? Don't we do this all the time, out of love, or just because, or with the expectation of having it reciprocated? 

And while MFM may make more sense to you, or to me even for that matter, what SHOULD make the most sense, is on a case by case basis. The conversation in my opinion is all about openness, and trust, and understanding.

And lastly, regarding the subject would be dropped forever, is also just another generalzation/stereotype, and as I've been trying to "preach" thru this whole thread, when it comes to things like love, and sexuality, you can never assume, generalize, or stereotype. We're all different.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Samantha1980 said:


> 1. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning any random 2 women)?


Yes



> 2. Have you ever in your life fantasized about (watching) girl-on-girl (concerning your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


All the time



> 3. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you and any random 2 women)?


Yes



> 4. Have you ever in your life fantasized about a threesome (concerning you, your GF/Wife and another random woman)?


All the time



> 5. If you answered Yes to any of the above, can you please, for the love of God, tell me what is the turn on (specifically)?


Nothing is sexier then 2 pairs of beautiful legs intertwined and all the licky sucky action between two women.



> 6. If you answered Yes to any of 1-4, have you ever gone so far as to propose this to your GF/Wife?


Yes, which gets her issed:
Hehe



> 7. Have you ever actually participated in a threesome or (watching) girl-on-girl?


Yes with my ex



> 8. This one is an admittedly loaded question, as I've admittedly already assumed your answer. If you answered Yes to any of the above questions, then: Were she (any she) to ask you to let her watch _you_ with another man and/or ask you for a threeway with you, her and another man, my assumption is your answer would be "hellz no!" If you are hetero and the thought of a sexual encounter with another man totally turns you off, are you able to see that the same would hold true in the reverse?


My ex didn't ask, I offered and pushed her to it. It doesn't turn me off, rather turns me on.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Man - You are not bravely going wear no one has gone before, you are biased. Men and women are effected by high numbers of partners of short duration although in different ways. 

You are probably referring, in a tangential fashion, to studies showing a negative effect of the high numbers of partners on women and not men. 

First I have to point out that the flaws of many studies start with the research question, extends to over interpretation of the results and in lack of consideration of confounders. 

The study is doomed before it starts. The more controversial and emotionally laden the subject, the more bias is in evidence. 

Let me present you with a challenge. Find studies looking at the sexual satisfaction of long-term partners of men based on the number and duration of premarital sexual relationships. 

It is a valid question given that a man have a better chance of learning to be a good lovers in long-term relationships. 

To further show how bias works - look at the studies of sexless marriages. The studies are conducted in such a way as to routinely indicate it is the woman's problem. 

None of the studies look at the sexual satisfaction of the woman and the premarital sexual experience of both. It is not outside of the realm of possibility that the quality of sex may effect the desire to have sex. Why has this not been explored?

The point I am making is that there is a fount of negative bias to female sexuality. You can close your mind to this by throwing out the code word feminist to shut down thought but the bias effects men as negatively as women. 

Perhaps future generations of men and women will not find it necessary to resort to posturing and fear mongering to solve the problems between men and women. 

I think when the influenced by the 50's model of relationships is diluted out in time, that may happen.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

ManDup said:


> I've got nothing against porn or fantasies. I'm more about ethics than morals. I used both extensively in the past. However, if a woman says "NO PORN" to you, they need to be willing to back that up with sex more or less on demand and a willingness to experiment. .



*Warning, REALLY REALLY ANGRY RANT * 


issed: You have got to be kidding right? 

Please explain to me what makes you so worthy that your partner needs to put on a porn show for you? I have seen this so many times but I cannot come up with a reason a man would say this like it is perfectly reasonable. If I said to my employer that I expect to make a million dollars for showing up I'd be judged crazy. :FIREdevil:

If woman would just counter this stupid entitlement s**t with the following: 

"well love, if you want a porn star in bed then this is what you do - meet my every need; be romantic; inspire and earn enthusiasm by your skills as a lover; have a large schlong; last for at lest 20 minutes; give me an orgasm every time and in 5 mins like my vibrator; have a 6 pack; be good looking."

"Oh and throw in financial success, a maid, a cook and a macmansion. If you can't do that, why do you expect so much, what makes you so worthy?"


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## OKCFunCouple (Sep 5, 2011)

Wow lots of different answers here and I will toss in my opinion because I have very close knowledge of this subject.

My wife and I have been in many 3-sums. MFM and FMF. We like them, we enjoy sex alot with each other and enjoy the occational third. We have sex 2-3 times every day together and the weekends we some times add a lady to the mix. My wife and I had a guy as a 3rd once but like most guys he was a ramrod and was not out to please he was out to get off so that was the only time we did that.

Now we have been with several female friends and we always enjoy it. My wife is very Bi and I do enjoy seeing her be pleased by another woman and there is nothing wrong with it because she likes it, she wants it and if she's happy I'm happy. 

It has not hurt out 22 year marriage in the least, in fact we are so open with each other it has brought us closer than ever. My wife and I work together in our own business and work 70+ hours per week and we have all the same stresses, if not more than most couples and still LOVE LOVE LOVE each other. I would never make my wife do something she did not want to do.

I am a caring, pleasing and giving lover. I am 44 years old and workout every day to look good, be strong and be a great lover and she is always satisfied. I don't need a 3rd in bed my lovely wife is all I need but she enjoys the twist in our sex life and I endulge her every whim. Of course I am NOT going to say I don't enjoy pleasing our female friends because I do (and they seem too also).


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## bobdc (Sep 15, 2011)

sure i've fantasized, but i would never do it.
i think that i or my wife would get jealous and that is a bad idea.

the hottest thing for me though is to imagine my wife with another guy, so the threesome would be MMF. But i could not handle it for sure


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

I don't think I or my SO could handle it... frankly, we're probably not mature enough... and I'd be worried about everyone's feelings... and did the other people get their needs met and is everything okay and etc.- it'd be like a bad Woody Allen movie, but one that solely happened in the bedroom. Ugh.


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## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> I don't think I or my SO could handle it... frankly, we're probably not mature enough... and I'd be worried about everyone's feelings... and did the other people get their needs met and is everything okay and etc.- it'd be like a bad Woody Allen movie, but one that solely happened in the bedroom. Ugh.


:rofl: @ the Woody Allen visual. 
Yeah, that would kind of ruin the sexytime mood of it all. 
Funny, though.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Oh, I could never handle it. FFM or MMF. I'd be too worried about my SO comparing me to the other dude if it was MMF, and too worried about the other party if it was another lady... it really would be like a movie. "Oh, jeez, I, are you, I don't..."

Or, at the other, more logical, less emotional end, I'd be too worried about coordination. "Okay, 3 minutes with her, and then 3 with you, followed by..."

I guess I'm a wet blanket. All fun would be drained out of any situation.


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