# Next! - Is he serious?



## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I found out in October 2012 that my husband had been calling escorts for numerous years, had made an explicit online profit on a match site along with a few other little details I won't bother you with. 

He continues to this day to flat out deny that he has EVER had sex or sexual contact with ANYONE since we have been together which is almost 15 years. He stated that the online profile he made was done and then he never went back to it.

After finding these things out a few months later after I had been going to individual counseling myself we went to a marriage counselor - four times to be exact. In March 2013 I find a text on his work phone. Turns out its a girl he gave his number to at a local store. He said that this happened before we started going to counseling. He was in a horrible place. He said that he gave her his number. He states this was a one time thing and it had never happened before and will never happen again. I asked him why didn't he bring it up in counseling if he wanted this marriage to work. He said he should have.

He stands by the fact that he made a huge mistake in looking at the escort profiles like it was just porn. He says that he was just curious and all he has done is call and text them. He has never met up with anyone. He says that all this was was curiosity and he made a mistake that he will never do again. All he wants is to be back in my life.

I have a great friend that I have been talking with for months that I met on here when I first posted about all of this. She is wonderful but I just want to put this out there and see what kind of comments, remarks, etc. I receive. Thank you so much for reading this crazy crap and I'm sure I've left off important details so ask away!!!!!!!


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

How is or was your guys sex life?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

standard cheater's script

lie to fit what proof you have uncovered


I'd put the odds of him having sex with hookers at 99.99%


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"He stated that the online profile he made was done and then he never went back,"

read the same thing word per word here on this forum many times.

Same "Turns out its a girl he gave his number to at a local store. He said that this happened before we started going to counseling. He was in a horrible place. He said that he gave her his number. He states this was a one time thing and it had never happened before and will never happen again. I asked him why didn't he bring it up in counseling if he wanted this marriage to work. He said he should have." 

Cheater script, he did not want to fess up, what did the text say?

I doubt he only texted and called, but even if this was it, it's still cheating. 
Have you checked the phone statements? Have you checked his email? Have you seen his profile at the site? Looked at his activity? Facebook?

Make sure you check and recheck sadly there will be more, I can understand that he was in a dark place but he needs to come clean for you. He will only explain what he can't deny by you showing him proof. He will also down play it, saying it was a joke or that his friend used his account or does not remember that far back. It sucks but I guess there is a manual out there and they all follow it word per word.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

Our sex life was very exciting and has slacked off some before I found out about all of this but he has been calling/texting these escort services for at LEAST 2 years probably more but that's all the records I can see for the account he has had for the past two years. Either way, I am not a prude and we HAD a pretty good sex life. I haven't had sex with him in months now.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

That's exactly what I have said to him @ Almostrecovered....you only talk to me and tell me whatever fits what I have found!


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

mablenc said:


> "He stated that the online profile he made was done and then he never went back,"
> 
> read the same thing word per word here on this forum many times.
> 
> ...


The ONE AND ONLY text on his phone from this number said "Come see me"...all other texts and phone calls were work related (I'm guessing of course)

I do check his facebook, personal email, his cell account, bank activity and work phone and there hasn't been anything (except for that text anyway) I called that girl so I got some insight. The stories didn't mesh especially at first but he then told me what he said really happened. I think its BS tho. The profile did not have any activity at all. He created that page in June 2009. I had access to this before he realized I knew that it was there. He deleted the account and I checked an old email and there were updates as far as who has viewed his profile but no activity from his actual page.


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## INEEDHELPID (Apr 30, 2013)

I dont know then other than possibly not interested in you or has a sex addiction


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

INEEDHELPID said:


> I dont know then other than possibly not interested in you or has a sex addiction


Yeah it seems hard to believe he isn't interested in me so I've been leaning toward the sex addiction although he says he does not have a problem :scratchhead:


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMM,

Your story sounds just like mine (escorts in email contacts) and paid for credits on Ash.... Madi.... dating site. Mine, like yours, professes his innocence. Same story...different man. Read up on this site. You will see that your situation is very common. You will also see that the WS's reaction is always the same...deny until you can prove otherwise.

Best of luck and please don't let him lie to you. He is lying by the way...


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> HMMM,
> 
> Your story sounds just like mine (escorts in email contacts) and paid for credits on Ash.... Madi.... dating site. Mine, like yours, professes his innocence. Same story...different man. Read up on this site. You will see that your situation is very common. You will also see that the WS's reaction is always the same...deny until you can prove otherwise.
> 
> Best of luck and please don't let him lie to you. He is lying by the way...


(paid for credits on Ash...Madi...dating site? - not sure I understand)

So what is your status with your H? Did you separate, get a divorce or are you still with him? I've been trying to separate from my H but he is sooooooo very persistant with everything he does and he is all over me all the time. I also tell him straight to his face that the reason I don't want to work it out is because he is lying. He is NOT telling me the truth. He says how do you know? Are you willing to risk your marriage on speculation he says??? 

Thank you for your in site!


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> standard cheater's script
> 
> lie to fit what proof you have uncovered
> 
> ...


Yep - totally agree. Been down that road with my cheating Ex


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> (paid for credits on Ash...Madi...dating site? - not sure I understand)
> 
> So what is your status with your H? Did you separate, get a divorce or are you still with him? I've been trying to separate from my H but he is sooooooo very persistant with everything he does and he is all over me all the time. I also tell him straight to his face that the reason I don't want to work it out is because he is lying. He is NOT telling me the truth. He says how do you know? Are you willing to risk your marriage on speculation he says???
> 
> Thank you for your in site!


AM is a dating site for married people. The site is free but it costs credits to contact people. My H bought credits. Which means he shelled out money to contact married women looking to have sex with married men. 

After a month of flat denials I left my husband. We are separated. He continues to try. He pleads with me. He begs. I have told him that until he tells me the truth we're done. That simple. I know there's more. So I'm standing firm on this and will not waiver, regardless of the emotional manipulation he places on me. 

It comes down to this. I believe my husband would rather lie to protect himself than help to fix the damage he caused and be transparent. Without transparency I cannot heal. So he is choosing his welfare over mine. That sends a simple message that he will always choose his welfare over mine. 

Honestly, I don't want to live with a suspicious mind. Because if he doesn't come clean I'll never believe a word he says and I'll question everything.

I wish you the best.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Yeah it seems hard to believe he isn't interested in me so I've been leaning toward the sex addiction although he says he does not have a problem :scratchhead:


*Of course he doesn't think he has a problem. Thats what all addicts say*. 

My ex has been diagnosed by the therapist as having a sex addiction. You should read a book "Out of the Shadows". I read it on the therapists advice and it all suddenly clicked. Stippers, porn, multiple sex partners, risky sex, online sex, he does it all.

Its a real addiction and it ruins lives and marriages. Just like any other addict unless they have a realization they are an addict and seek serious help - just like drunks or dug addicts - its all downhill until they hit true rock bottom.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

whataboutthis? said:


> AM is a dating site for married people. The site is free but it costs credits to contact people. My H bought credits. Which means he shelled out money to contact married women looking to have sex with married men.
> 
> After a month of flat denials I left my husband. We are separated. He continues to try. He pleads with me. He begs. *I have told him that until he tells me the truth we're done*. That simple. *I know there's more*. So I'm standing firm on this and will not waiver, regardless of the emotional manipulation he places on me.
> 
> ...


Of course there's more. You're just getting the trickle truth. He is lying to protect himself because he doesn't think/realize what he does is that bad and even if he did, he can't bear to look at himself and recognize he is a sick person.

180 him and keep your distance. Set your boundaries and hold firm.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> Of course there's more. You're just getting the trickle truth. He is lying to protect himself because he doesn't think/realize what he does is that bad and even if he did, he can't bear to look at himself and recognize he is a sick person.
> 
> 180 him and keep your distance. Set your boundaries and hold firm.


Exactly, they say to you that they realize that it was bad but they never thought it would tear their marriage apart? wtf ~ anyway, my H said I knew you would be mad as hell when you found out but I never thought it would cost me my marriage. Your right he said that he can't look himself in the mirror.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Exactly, they say to you that they realize that it was bad but they never thought it would tear their marriage apart? wtf ~ anyway, *my H said I knew you would be mad as hell when you found out* but I never thought it would cost me my marriage. Your right he said that *he can't look himself in the mirror*.


My ex said he couldn't tell me because I'd end the marriage. He also told me he is disgusted in himself, hates himself, is ashamed of what he's done.

Yet he makes no effort to change or get real help. He just continues the same behaviors over and over and his life gets worse and worse.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> *Of course he doesn't think he has a problem. Thats what all addicts say*.
> 
> My ex has been diagnosed by the therapist as having a sex addiction. You should read a book "Out of the Shadows". I read it on the therapists advice and it all suddenly clicked. Stippers, porn, multiple sex partners, risky sex, online sex, he does it all.
> 
> Its a real addiction and it ruins lives and marriages. Just like any other addict unless they have a realization they are an addict and seek serious help - just like drunks or dug addicts - its all downhill until they hit true rock bottom.


Thank you for the reference on the book. I have been trying to find a good one to read. He said to me this morning I can't stand being like this with you anymore and if it can't change then you should go to the attorney and get the divorce papers drawn up. I have wanted a separation since this all happened. I left a few times and then he said I could come back to the house and he would leave. He did for two days and then came back. I work out of my house so for me to pick up and leave is a BIG deal. I sleep in a different bedroom.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

brokenbythis said:


> My ex said he couldn't tell me because I'd end the marriage. He also told me he is disgusted in himself, hates himself, is ashamed of what he's done.
> 
> Yet he makes no effort to change or get real help. He just continues the same behaviors over and over and his life gets worse and worse.


So now that he is single he continues down the same path? I guess he really doesn't have anything else to lose at this point...


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> AM is a dating site for married people. The site is free but it costs credits to contact people. My H bought credits. Which means he shelled out money to contact married women looking to have sex with married men.
> 
> After a month of flat denials I left my husband. We are separated. He continues to try. He pleads with me. He begs. I have told him that until he tells me the truth we're done. That simple. I know there's more. So I'm standing firm on this and will not waiver, regardless of the emotional manipulation he places on me.
> 
> ...


My H has been flat denying having ANY type of sexual contact or sex with anyone since we've been together. Looks me right in my eyes and says to me "I have NEVER had sex or done anything sexual since we've been together"!!! Has anyone else have their H do this and find out FOR SURE that he WAS having sex with escorts, prostitutes, etc????

My H continues to plead with me daily to try to let him fix what he has broke, he begs, he's cried on multiple occasions. I really love the way you say he is choosing to protect himself over choosing your relationship! That is so true! You will never believe anything they say. I roll my eyes all the time when he talks to me or other people.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

Why does he keep saying if I wanted something or somebody else I would just leave and not put up with what is going on and has been going on for 6 months. He says to me why do you think I'm fighting?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

:scratchhead:Well, if you are not finding anything more, maybe he is telling the truth. Maybe he crossed the line got his thrill by looking and that's it?

If he had been with prostitutes you would see bank withdraws, you saw no activity coming from him on his profile, nothing in emails, either he is telling the truth or he's an expert cheater.

What does your gut tell you? Are there any late days or missing nights that you are suspicious?

You can put a keylogger and a VAR in his car if you still feel something is going on.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

They do say that the only pattern in cheating spouses is the fact that they think they can get away with it, sounds like you are not that type of spouse. Maybe he got scared and did not go further.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> My H has been flat denying having ANY type of sexual contact or sex with anyone since we've been together. Looks me right in my eyes and says to me "I have NEVER had sex or done anything sexual since we've been together"!!! Has anyone else have their H do this and find out FOR SURE that he WAS having sex with escorts, prostitutes, etc????
> 
> My H continues to plead with me daily to try to let him fix what he has broke, he begs, he's cried on multiple occasions. I really love the way you say he is choosing to protect himself over choosing your relationship! That is so true! You will never believe anything they say. I roll my eyes all the time when he talks to me or other people.


My H does the same thing. Looks into my eyes and sorrowfully pleads, demanding he hasn't taken it into reality. Just cyber infidelity but no physical. However, I was going through out old email communications and he did the same thing with the escorts. "I honestly don't know how they got in my contacts. It must have been spam. Please believe me. I didn't research, contact, hire or sleep with prostitutes". Within a few weeks he admitted to contacting only one of them. So I have been comparing his tone with what I know for sure were lies with his tone now. "I promise I didn't do anything physical. Only fantasy. Please believe me. I didn't hire or sleep with prostitutes or anyone else" There's no difference in the tone. 

I got checked for STDs yesterday. Talk about humiliating! I hope I'm ok. I told him I got tested yesterday and his response was to get tested himself. He told me he told the triage nurse that he was going through a separation and needed to document that he didn't have STD's in case he needed it for court. That ticked me off like he's turning it around in case I gave him something. Really? Do I have escorts in my contacts? Did I pay to contact people on adult sex meet up sites? 

I think I'm hitting my anger stage. :banghead:


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> Why does he keep saying if I wanted something or somebody else I would just leave and not put up with what is going on and has been going on for 6 months. He says to me why do you think I'm fighting?


Sex addicts and serial cheaters have two distinct lives. They have their home life and their sex life. The home life is emotional investment. The sex life is an adrenaline rush. They don't want to lose their emotional attachment because until they get professional help they need both to be satisfied.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM

Got a question for you. Have you caught him lying? If so, are there any similarities with his responses now?

That can tell you a lot. If he lied to you in the same manner (looking in your eyes pleading with sincerity) as he's pleading with you now, that can say so much about weather he's lying to you. 

Also research behaviors of lying. Some are:
The say "did not" versus "didn't". If his declarations are "I did not cheat" versus "I didn't cheat", it's a sign of lying. If he puts something between you when you talk, like sitting across the table it's a sign of needing a barrier and a sign of lying. If he tells you too much detail and works the subject in another direction it's a sign of lying. Look these up and study your husband when you discuss his activities. 

Sorry you're going through this.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> My H does the same thing. Looks into my eyes and sorrowfully pleads, demanding he hasn't taken it into reality. Just cyber infidelity but no physical. However, I was going through out old email communications and he did the same thing with the escorts. "I honestly don't know how they got in my contacts. It must have been spam. Please believe me. I didn't research, contact, hire or sleep with prostitutes". Within a few weeks he admitted to contacting only one of them. So I have been comparing his tone with what I know for sure were lies with his tone now. "I promise I didn't do anything physical. Only fantasy. Please believe me. I didn't hire or sleep with prostitutes or anyone else" There's no difference in the tone.
> 
> I got checked for STDs yesterday. Talk about humiliating! I hope I'm ok. I told him I got tested yesterday and his response was to get tested himself. He told me he told the triage nurse that he was going through a separation and needed to document that he didn't have STD's in case he needed it for court. That ticked me off like he's turning it around in case I gave him something. Really? Do I have escorts in my contacts? Did I pay to contact people on adult sex meet up sites?
> 
> I think I'm hitting my anger stage. :banghead:


So you feel as if you have found out for certain that he has taken it to a physical level with these girls and is still telling you otherwise? I also got tested in October 2013 when all of this begun. I told him he needed to just for accountability if nothing else. Do you know what he did. He went to Walgreens and bought an at home AIDS test...

The one thing I regret is saying something to him before I put the keylogger on the computer. Now that it has been on there...no activity at all.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> Sex addicts and serial cheaters have two distinct lives. They have their home life and their sex life. The home life is emotional investment. The sex life is an adrenaline rush. They don't want to lose their emotional attachment because until they get professional help they need both to be satisfied.


This is what I say to him...its not that you don't want your family you just want or need both. Of course he denies that and says he does not need to contact these escorts it was just curiosity....curiosity doesn't last over 2 years does it??? :scratchhead:


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> HMMMM
> 
> Got a question for you. Have you caught him lying? If so, are there any similarities with his responses now?
> 
> ...


I have caught him lying and I try to use that to my advantage like you are saying but I can't really put my finger on it...I have more of a gut feeling than anything. There isn't even a ton of money or anything missing over the last few years but who's to say he wasn't pawning stuff or hiding getting money out by doing cash back at the local stores instead of using the ATM every time. 

When he lied to me about the profile at Plenty of Fish.com he said he didn't create that, someone must of hacked his email, they utilized his facebook info to fill it out... wow....he ended up getting so upset he fell over into the floor (passed out I guess??-don't know bc I dont trust him) then the next day he tells me that he did make the profile. 

I have to say when he tells me he has NEVER had sex with anyone or sexual contact with anyone - nothing is between us, he is looking me straight in the eyes and I am having a hard time seeing the similaries...If someone uses the term NEVER is that a sign of them lying????


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

mablenc said:


> They do say that the only pattern in cheating spouses is the fact that they think they can get away with it, sounds like you are not that type of spouse. Maybe he got scared and did not go further.


Well, he had been calling, texting or whatever these escorts for at least two years...lots of calling....and I can't even see the texts so I have no idea how many of those or what exactly was being said. 

I did find two different convos in his email that he had sent via text...very interesting


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> So you feel as if you have found out for certain that he has taken it to a physical level with these girls and is still telling you otherwise? I also got tested in October 2013 when all of this begun. I told him he needed to just for accountability if nothing else. Do you know what he did. He went to Walgreens and bought an at home AIDS test...
> 
> The one thing I regret is saying something to him before I put the keylogger on the computer. Now that it has been on there...no activity at all.


I haven't found the smoking gun. I simply believe he's lying to me. This is based on him previously lying and the similarities in tone and action. 

Of course there's no activity now. He's on his best behavior. Mine too.

It comes down to the fact that I don't want to spend my life with someone who would disrespect me to the point of engaging in this behavior (cyber infidelity at best) and lying to me for the sake of self protection. 

Also, my H refused to leave the home. So the kids (2 kids) and I are sharing a room in my mom's home while he's sitting in a five bedroom home solo. And he's the one that caused this. If that doesn't attest to his selfishness, I don't know what does.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> This is what I say to him...its not that you don't want your family you just want or need both. Of course he denies that and says he does not need to contact these escorts it was just curiosity....curiosity doesn't last over 2 years does it??? :scratchhead:


Well there's curiosity (viewing) and then there's intent (contact). Moving beyond curiosity to intent is a huge issue. At the very least there is intent to do something about these desires. And two years is a long time to sit on the fence here in the contact stage and not act. It's possible he didn't act but by the time they get to the stage of contact they are ready to act.


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## whataboutthis? (Apr 5, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I have caught him lying and I try to use that to my advantage like you are saying but I can't really put my finger on it...I have more of a gut feeling than anything. There isn't even a ton of money or anything missing over the last few years but who's to say he wasn't pawning stuff or hiding getting money out by doing cash back at the local stores instead of using the ATM every time.
> 
> When he lied to me about the profile at Plenty of Fish.com he said he didn't create that, someone must of hacked his email, they utilized his facebook info to fill it out... wow....he ended up getting so upset he fell over into the floor (passed out I guess??-don't know bc I dont trust him) then the next day he tells me that he did make the profile.
> 
> I have to say when he tells me he has NEVER had sex with anyone or sexual contact with anyone - nothing is between us, he is looking me straight in the eyes and I am having a hard time seeing the similaries...If someone uses the term NEVER is that a sign of them lying????


Does he emphasize "never" or does he say it matter of factly without over emphasizing that action word? If a person emphasizes it is a sign of lying. 

Wow, passing out is a huge emotional tactic when lying. He wanted to shift direction from the conversation to you being worried about him. Take the heat off suddenly and reverse you from accusation to concern for his well being. 

Please research emotional manipulation. You may recognize some tactics here.

And I honestly don't want to sit here and convince you that your H is lying to you. I don't know him. However, I can tell you that he's following the same script as every other WS. Best of luck to you.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

whataboutthis? said:


> Does he emphasize "never" or does he say it matter of factly without over emphasizing that action word? If a person emphasizes it is a sign of lying.
> 
> Wow, passing out is a huge emotional tactic when lying. He wanted to shift direction from the conversation to you being worried about him. Take the heat off suddenly and reverse you from accusation to concern for his well being.
> 
> ...


He does over emphasize the word NEVER...yes .... and yes you are right. He so called passed out to get the attention off of him because I was all over him with questions. He kept denying. Of course now I know that the entire time he was lying.

I will look up emotional manipulation


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I finally just had to move out of my house because my H would not leave. I moved into a one bedroom apartment with my son and he is in a 5 bedroom 2 bath house with the dogs and my stepson. He is even working out of town 4 days a week now so he isn't even in the house much. 

He begs me to come back to the house and says he will leave. I say too little too late. I have signed a six month lease. Most everyone tells me I should stick it out and stay in the apartment until my lease is up and not to worry about the extra money going out. My H may up and leave the house at some point and then I really don't know what I am going to do. 

I have been to an attorney once and started the ball rolling but that was at the end of July 2013 and it is now November 2013. All I need to do is bring him a list of what I want and what I want my H to deal with. I can't understand WHY I drag my feet. I am so ready to get out of this stagnant place that I am in. 

He swears to me that if I give him a chance to make this right he will make me the happiest woman in the world...uuugghhhh


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I finally just had to move out of my house because my H would not leave. I moved into a one bedroom apartment with my son and he is in a 5 bedroom 2 bath house with the dogs and my stepson. He is even working out of town 4 days a week now so he isn't even in the house much. 

He begs me to come back to the house and says he will leave. I say too little too late. I have signed a six month lease. Most everyone tells me I should stick it out and stay in the apartment until my lease is up and not to worry about the extra money going out. My H may up and leave the house at some point and then I really don't know what I am going to do. 

I have been to an attorney once and started the ball rolling but that was at the end of July 2013 and it is now November 2013. All I need to do is bring him a list of what I want and what I want my H to deal with. I can't understand WHY I drag my feet. I am so ready to get out of this stagnant place that I am in. 

He swears to me that if I give him a chance to make this right he will make me the happiest woman in the world...uuugghhhh


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

I NEED SOME MORE ADVICE PLEASE!!! I went to the attorney's office Monday to hire my attorney. I will have a draft of my papers by tomorrow. I HAVE NOT told my H that I have ACTUALLY went and filed the papers. I explain and have explained over and over where I am with us (no us) but he continues to try. I could not tell him Monday morning that I was going or he would not have left out-of-town for work. He will return from his job this Friday. 

I don't know what to do. Should I tell him and then show him the draft to see if there is anything that he would want to change? Should I tell him ONLY when the attorney is ready for him to go sign the papers???? I DON'T KNOW what direction to go! Please help. HE will be devastated!


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

After I found my H in a long term EA/cyber affair (they did exchange pictures, still says they didn't have sex in rl), he volunteered the information that he had contacted a prostitute and set up an appointment with her. He still claims that he backed out of that. Still very adamant about never sleeping with anyone else.

It took a few months, but he admitted he has a problem and now goes to a 12 step program. He's been doing well in it, though now he's so busy that there's no time for him to really work on the marriage. I'm still undecided as to whether I want to anyway. 

Another good author is Barbara Steffens. She concentrates on helping spouses of sex addicts.


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I NEED SOME MORE ADVICE PLEASE!!! I went to the attorney's office Monday to hire my attorney. I will have a draft of my papers by tomorrow. I HAVE NOT told my H that I have ACTUALLY went and filed the papers. I explain and have explained over and over where I am with us (no us) but he continues to try. I could not tell him Monday morning that I was going or he would not have left out-of-town for work. He will return from his job this Friday.
> 
> I don't know what to do. Should I tell him and then show him the draft to see if there is anything that he would want to change? Should I tell him ONLY when the attorney is ready for him to go sign the papers???? I DON'T KNOW what direction to go! Please help. HE will be devastated!


I have no idea! I wish I had advice...hopefully someone can come along and help with that, since I haven't dealt with any of this yet. It's great that you have been able to leave. I've been a stay and home mom and feel very stuck at the moment.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

now_awake - don't ever use feeling "stuck" as an excuse. You know your H sees it the same exact way right? Do you know that just lets him know that he can do whatever because you're STUCK! Don't think like that!


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## now_awake (May 29, 2013)

It's difficult when my own mother tells me that I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids on my own. 

I try to fight those thoughts every single day. After DDay, I was petrified that I would end up losing my kids because I have no career and no way of finding my own place. I honestly felt like a caged animal. I'm slowly calming down from that since H seems scared of parenting alone and it's pretty clear he wouldn't take them away. Of course, right? He's an addict and has always tried to run away from responsibility.

Realistically, it might take years to become financially independent. It's not that I leave myself open for more abuse. H and I aren't in reconciliation and he is busy with his own recovery right now. He has always maintained that we would figure out a plan if we separate, but I'm scared to make that jump. I still don't know what's real and what's not.

edit: I've been thinking about what I wrote. I do see that I am making a choice. I would rather be where I am than leaving and going on welfare. Why should I suffer that much more than I already am? He's giving me space and time to work out my own stuff. I guess it works for us right now. But it really is time that I stop focusing so much on his cheating and focusing on what my plan is.


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## LIMBOLADY (Aug 26, 2013)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> I NEED SOME MORE ADVICE PLEASE!!! I went to the attorney's office Monday to hire my attorney. I will have a draft of my papers by tomorrow. I HAVE NOT told my H that I have ACTUALLY went and filed the papers. I explain and have explained over and over where I am with us (no us) but he continues to try. I could not tell him Monday morning that I was going or he would not have left out-of-town for work. He will return from his job this Friday.
> 
> I don't know what to do. Should I tell him and then show him the draft to see if there is anything that he would want to change? Should I tell him ONLY when the attorney is ready for him to go sign the papers???? I DON'T KNOW what direction to go! Please help. HE will be devastated!


I wish I had some good advice to offer you but this is not my area of expertise. Not that I have an area of expertise. However, I do think that your husband needs to own up to what he did and go back to IC or some sort of program. Just saying he is sorry and will not do it again is not going to cut it.

I assume he does not yet have an attorney? If not, and you really want out of the marriage, just have your attorney mail him the document. 

Sorry I don't have better advice but I am here to listen.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

@Limbolady - My H does not have an attorney to my knowledge. My H also does not know that I have a draft of our divorce papers in hand. My attorney wants me to tell him to come to his office and sign because he will have to pay his half then as well.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your husband will not go to an attorneys office at this point to sign and then be handed a bill for services to pay half. The moment you tell him he needs to go to a lawyers office he will, to his own and retain his own council. 

If you have filed anything with the court system you can request they serve him the paperwork. Your lawyer can also hire services to serve him the papers. If your concerned about confrontation with your husband one of these two options will be best.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

honcho said:


> Your husband will not go to an attorneys office at this point to sign and then be handed a bill for services to pay half. The moment you tell him he needs to go to a lawyers office he will, to his own and retain his own council.
> 
> If you have filed anything with the court system you can request they serve him the paperwork. Your lawyer can also hire services to serve him the papers. If your concerned about confrontation with your husband one of these two options will be best.


The papers were sent over by my attorney for me to review. Once I have reviewed them I can go in his office and sign the papers. 

I agree with you. I don't see him just going in there and signing the papers especially when he doesn't want to be divorced. It has been over a year that we have been going through all of this (since the day I found out all this mess) and I continue to say that it just isn't going to work. I know that he is going to do nothing but breakdown on me when he finds out. I do not want to deal with that but I know it is going to happen. How do I deal with that???


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

HMMM, I don't have much advice to give on this matter. I do commend you though for taking steps for yourself. You are putting yourself and your son first. If he really wants to work it out he will try. I would just focus on doing what is best for you. Isn't that what the spouses in our lives do, focus on what is best for them.

Like LL I am here.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

My therapist says that nothing is ever final. That just because you divorce someone doesn't mean you wont reconcile with them at a later time. Sometimes people just need their time apart. Sometimes they work it out, sometimes they don't. What matters is that you do what is best for you. Whatever that is.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just have him served, dont say a word. And dont believe for a second that he would ever, ever change.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just have him served, dont say a word. And dont believe for a second that he would ever, ever change.


My H is so adamant about what he says its crazy to think that he is lying. He even said to me that he would go take a lie detector. :scratchhead:


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> My therapist says that nothing is ever final. That just because you divorce someone doesn't mean you wont reconcile with them at a later time. Sometimes people just need their time apart. Sometimes they work it out, sometimes they don't. What matters is that you do what is best for you. Whatever that is.


I have to agree. Some people do just need that time. My H DOES NOT want to be apart, he does not want to divorce but I feel all he does is talk about it and how he will never do anything to hurt me again. I do not see him taking accountability for his actions and going back to therapy for himself or whatever.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

now_awake said:


> It's difficult when my own mother tells me that I wouldn't be able to take care of my kids on my own.
> 
> I try to fight those thoughts every single day. After DDay, I was petrified that I would end up losing my kids because I have no career and no way of finding my own place. I honestly felt like a caged animal. I'm slowly calming down from that since H seems scared of parenting alone and it's pretty clear he wouldn't take them away. Of course, right? He's an addict and has always tried to run away from responsibility.
> 
> ...


I hate that your own mother isn't standing behind you and making you feel like you can make this happen. Do you not work because it wouldn't benefit you because of the kids? I know it costs some more to have childcare then what they would actually make at the job. 

I do like your edit - Glad he is giving you space and time but is he still cheating? and well an addict? Does your H want to work it out? I am trying to get all the facts here sorry I probably missed them at some other time. 

You do need to remember that your kids take note of everything that goes on whether you know it or not.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

HMMMM NOW WHAT? said:


> My H is so adamant about what he says its crazy to think that he is lying. He even said to me that he would go take a lie detector. :scratchhead:


Dont fall for it. Focus on his actions not his words, his actions are not backing those words up.


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## KnottedStomach (Sep 19, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dont fall for it. Focus on his actions not his words, his actions are not backing those words up.


I agree with this. Always focus on someone's actions not their words.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

HNW: Just now catching up with your long story. I'm wondering if there has been an update as far as what all took place between May and November this year? You mention that he keeps saying that he wants a chance to make things right and says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Did you made a list of things he explicitly needs to do, and then he refused to do some of them? I guess I'm a little confused as it sounds like he's been trying to tell you that he'll do anything it takes, but you haven't mentioned anything he's done wrong. (since finding out about his online activities anyway)

As far as the stuff from last year, yeah you have good cause to be skeptical of a lot of the things he did, and wonder if he hasn't shared the whole truth. I have known people who have, in their weaker moments, looked through those sites as well. I did find it interesting that you said he had really no activity on those profiles, even while you knew about them but he didn't know that you knew. Personally my gut feeling is that he never acted on the online stuff.

As far as the girl who texted him, that one concerns me more than anything else. I don't know what kind of grocery store introduction and conversation is required that would produce a "Come see me..." message as a girl's very first text to a guy, but if that is the whole truth, then I think the single guys need to start spending a lot more time at the grocery store!

Whatever it is he did or didn't do, I wouldn't assume that he isn't being genuine about making it right. If you aren't willing to give him that chance however, then do what you need to do of course. For what it's worth, I would ask you if you are afraid he will try to "beat you to it" and file first? If so, I would say have the lawyer file and then immediately go meet with him to tell him what you've done and lay out everything for him.

If you aren't afraid that he'll try to file first and screw you over, then I think the right thing to do is to meet with him first to go over everything. It might even save you some time and money with your attorney. In any case, I think the cruelest thing you could do is let him find out when a police officer serves him at the front door of your home, or maybe worse, he's out of state on business and gets a call from your step-son saying that the police came by to serve him divorce papers. It's a gut wrenching moment, and if you don't have any reason to fear him, then I think the right thing to do would be to help ease him into that.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> HNW: Just now catching up with your long story. I'm wondering if there has been an update as far as what all took place between May and November this year? You mention that he keeps saying that he wants a chance to make things right and says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Did you made a list of things he explicitly needs to do, and then he refused to do some of them? I guess I'm a little confused as it sounds like he's been trying to tell you that he'll do anything it takes, but you haven't mentioned anything he's done wrong. (since finding out about his online activities anyway)
> 
> As far as the stuff from last year, yeah you have good cause to be skeptical of a lot of the things he did, and wonder if he hasn't shared the whole truth. I have known people who have, in their weaker moments, looked through those sites as well. I did find it interesting that you said he had really no activity on those profiles, even while you knew about them but he didn't know that you knew. Personally my gut feeling is that he never acted on the online stuff.
> 
> ...


Between May and November - I signed in on his facebook account and of course there were no messages that were inappropriate but my H didn't realize that you could see what someone had been searching over the course of time. There were numerous searches that were not acceptable but in March 2013 I seen he had searched the word "escorts" and in July 2013 he had searched "independent escorts in". He stated that he had a lapse and did type these words in the facebook search just to see what was there. He denies that anything further took place. He didn't make any phone calls from his phone that I can check but I can't see any texts and of course I don't know if he has a secret phone or something. 

We went to counseling together up until the day I seen the text from the chic from Walgreens. When I found that I stopped going. My H stated that he gave her his number before we had started attending counseling together. I said well you probably should have told someone that you gave her your number. That was it for me with the counseling. 

October 31, 2013 was one year to the day that I found everything. Early on at one point he said to me - just give me a year and see where this goes...I was like hell no...well I stayed in the same house with him until Sept 25th. Close enough


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> HNW: Just now catching up with your long story. I'm wondering if there has been an update as far as what all took place between May and November this year? You mention that he keeps saying that he wants a chance to make things right and says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Did you made a list of things he explicitly needs to do, and then he refused to do some of them? I guess I'm a little confused as it sounds like he's been trying to tell you that he'll do anything it takes, but you haven't mentioned anything he's done wrong. (since finding out about his online activities anyway)
> 
> As far as the stuff from last year, yeah you have good cause to be skeptical of a lot of the things he did, and wonder if he hasn't shared the whole truth. I have known people who have, in their weaker moments, looked through those sites as well. I did find it interesting that you said he had really no activity on those profiles, even while you knew about them but he didn't know that you knew. Personally my gut feeling is that he never acted on the online stuff.
> 
> ...


I can't say that I am afraid of him although a few sketchy things have happened but I know that he will corner me and talk to me until my ears bleed. He will try everything to get me to reconsider. I received a draft of the divorce papers yesterday. He does not know that I have talked to an attorney. I spoke to the attorney the first time in July and then this month was when I had the papers drawn up.


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

KnottedStomach said:


> I agree with this. Always focus on someone's actions not their words.


Okay his actions consist of begging me to be the bigger person and give our marriage a chance. He buys flowers on occasion. For Christmas he bought me a diamond pendant but wanted to buy me a wedding set and I told him DO NOT BUY ME THAT! A few months ago he brought home a little diamond ring to try and use to help him win my heart back I guess so that I would re-commit to him. I don't know but I haven't worn that ring...I'll just say that


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT? (Jan 15, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Dont fall for it. Focus on his actions not his words, his actions are not backing those words up.


Just as I was saying earlier yep he buys things but insists that he does not have a problem...not a porn addiction and certainly not a sex addition.


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