# Miserable Mother's Day because of my Toxic Parents



## UnecessarilyDutiful (May 14, 2012)

Hi, I'm new here and apologize for the long post...I need somewhere to vent...

Growing up as the only child of my parents was rough. I never was allowed to have friends or do any of the stuff other kids did because my dad is a narcissist and a bully and hated his family (aka: my mother and I) doing anything without him. I remember all through my childhood I would dread my father coming home because he would bully my mother and I endlessly. It wasn't an unusual sight to see chairs and plates hurled at us while by a red-faced, screaming man displeased because supper wasn't ready when he got home. He choked us when he got angry (claiming later that choking is not beating). My mother had it the worst, one night he tried to shoot her but, thankfully, missed. One time he locked her in our house (we didn't live in North America, where locks can be opened from the inside, everything was lock and key) and he took the keys. I guess he forgot he had a child because my mother couldn't pick me up from school (due to being imprisoned) and I ended up at the police station after the school closed for the night. She wasn't allowed to seek employment because he didn't want her to have her own money or meet other men. My mother used to promise me we'd run away and hide from him in some far away place.

Well, time passed and our family moved to Canada and things got a little better. There was still choking and yelling and insults but to a lesser extent. As a teen I still wasn't allowed many freedoms, having to tell my parents 2 weeks in advance if I was going out with any friends. After I graduated I had been accepted at a university in another city and granted a scholarship. My father forbade me to leave and forced me to go to the local, less prestigious university. 

While in university I still was living with my parents and, like my mother, forbidden to take work on pain of violence. So, obviously I couldn't leave even though I desperately wanted to. Furthermore, my father was set on me following in his footsteps and going to medical school so that I could one day join his practice and we could work together for the rest of our lives. I did not want this, I have never cared for medicine and I certainly didn't want to be with him. Nevertheless, I continued trudging through classes, in a depression that prevented me from getting the grades I used to get in high school, which depressed me further for the only way I could escape was to finish medical school. I was not allowed to go out more than once a week, and had to call home every two hours and be home by midnight. By now I was in my early 20's. Thankfully, my life was going to turn around....

I met a wonderful man, a business student a year older than I. He took to me at once and we began dating, on the sly at first. All hell broke loose when I introduced him to my parents (why I decided to do that, I have no idea, I felt bad lying to my parents...) They hated him. My father spat insults about him every time I went out to see him. This wasn't my first boyfriend, I had had 2 others, but this one seemed to bother my father the most. I wasn't allowed to text him while I was at home, he wasn't allowed in the house, and I stopped receiving my "allowance" (my parents had this tax scheme going where my father "hired" me and paid money into my account weekly, only to have me withdraw it and give it back, keeping $50 for myself). My mother started being nasty too. I had body image issues and even suffered from anorexia in high school, so she would make sure to remark that I was fat or looked chubby every time I went out to see my boyfriend. She also called me pathetic for loving a boyfriend and said that he was just using me. After a year of stealing time to see each other we decided to move in together. We secretly found an apartment and signed a lease. The day I told my parents I was leaving, I got kicked out of my home with nothing, I was even ordered to remove my shoes and walk barefoot. Thankfully, by law my clothes belonged to me, I eventually managed to return with police officers and claim my things. 

That was 8 months ago. At first I didn't speak to my parents, but I found myself missing them much to my own dismay, and feeling like a "bad person" for not talking to them. My mother has since started talking to me, my father is still sulking.

What bothers me is that my mother, who you would think would be sympathetic to my choices, is angry with me. She calls me a tramp for living in sin with a man and says I betrayed her by leaving her. Furthermore, she now claims my father is a good man and says all the things he's done were a product of "stress from working too hard in his 30's". She says all men eventually beat their wives and that it's quite common for men to kill their wives too and that I'm naiive. She says my father doesn't deserve my ire. I was blown away! How could she simply forget everything that happened?! 

We're getting married next winter. My parents have been invited, and have agreed to come to the ceremony and not the reception because, as they put it, "it's not something we feel should be celebrated with a party". 

Should I try to maintain a relationship with these people? Why do I feel bad about it if I don't call them or visit them on birthdays or christmas? Would I be better off just pretending they're not there?

Also, there is no cultural or religious reason for my parent's behaviour. Nor do my boyfriend or I do anything "bad" like take drugs, steal or drink. We're two honest students, so there's no reason for the distrust.

Sorry for the long post.


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## UnecessarilyDutiful (May 14, 2012)

I realize my post has many depths to it...it's not easy telling your whole story in a succinct post. Any advice or opinions would be nice, I just want to know what I should be thinking.

I feel like keeping contact with my parents somehow gives them the impression that what happened and what they do now is "ok". But I don't know if I can cut them off...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad is a narcissist and my mom your classic enabler, adult child of an alcholic, angry bitter woman. I no longer speak to either of them - 13 years now. They disowned ME btw.

What you desperately need is some counseling. Feeling bad about putting your needs above theirs is something you need to fix. And pretending they aren't there won't work either because these people raised you and whether you like it or not they are IN YOU. In your head, in your thoughts, your actions, etc.

If you don't seek help this has the potential to get bad after you marry. I thought I was fine just keeping my distance from my parents but my demons chased me down and haunted me until I exorcised them.

My heart goes out to anyone raised by a narcissist. They are a particular nasty breed of people.

If you ever want to talk to other people who have been where you are go here. It's a private board and you will have to request membership but its been a blessing to me to have that support.

Adult-ChildrenOFNarcissits : for adults who were raised by a Narcissitic parent

Unless you've lived this nightmare most people have no idea how bad it is.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Counseling, ASAP.

You have toxic parents, and you do not have to choose to be around them. But that's a hard call to make, sometimes. I am so sorry. Good advice above.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

UnecessarilyDutiful said:


> I realize my post has many depths to it...it's not easy telling your whole story in a succinct post. Any advice or opinions would be nice, I just want to know what I should be thinking.
> 
> I feel like keeping contact with my parents somehow gives them the impression that what happened and what they do now is "ok". But I don't know if I can cut them off...


I wouldn't know WHAT to classify my parents as other then My mother, a pity seeking gold digger who loves playing the victim, and my father... a control freak who can't keep it in his pants. That's just putting it in a really basic form. Both abused my sisters and I physically and mentally so I understand how your feeling. In my case, I decided to cut off ties with everyone since my entire family is toxic and it's not something I want in my life nor my childrens life. Counseling is a good start so try that and hopefully you can decide how to best approach the problem. Maybe you can somehow get them to realize you too have feelings and have been hurt.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Don't let them dictate how you feel about yourself. Set reasonable guidelines. 

Don't let them push your buttons,


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Is there any way that you can move out? I know that thought is scary with the culture you were raised in, but you will have a sense of accomplishment. I left home at age 21 because I was tired of sexist rules and no freedom. My parents viewed me as rebellious, but I didn't care. It was either my mental health or pleasing my parents.


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