# Bad day I need some answers....



## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

I want to make contact with my W. I have not talked to her since Easter. Yea I got a text on May 1st. but that's been the last contact we had. I miss her. I know what was going on wasn't all her I was struggling with my PTSD but she said she would be there for me. Well she isn't. I know she is trying to have me served with divorce papers. But what I dont understand is she/I never tryed to save our marriage. I'm alone now. I want to go back to bed and stay there for days on end. I know I'm not to have contact with her. No It isn't a DV thing. but far worse. Please see my first post here for the reason. But at this point I'm willing to take the chance and risk going back to jail. even though I know she won't reply. I don't get that. how can she just shut me out? Was everything a lie? Was it all fake? And why did she run back to the pill dealer and that player who likes older women. 47 isn't old but when he is in his late 20's I guess he would be a cougar hunter. And yes I found his profile on FB. 

I also want to say something to him about what he is doing. but he will just reply with meet me so I can make you my bytch. If I meet up with him It would not be pretty.

so please give me some input. I'm desprate to email her. Hell I have not called her in so long I forgot her cell number. Yea I did have it saved but in another stupid move I took it out of my phone.

Here is what I would say if I emailed her.

K
I miss you, I'm sorry for what has happened, I remember you asking me will I do what ever it takes. you never gave me that chance. I will still do what ever it takes. I miss you/your son. You know what happened wasn't done with intent. I fell in love with you and I know in my heart you did the same. In six short months we had found what people seek over years. So why do you throw it all away on a whim and the words of your sister?

I'm lost in a daze here. I want to make amends and repair our marriage. don't you want the same? It's been three months since I last seen you. 

I love you K. 

D

Input please..................


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Thorn,

I'm going to reply both for you and for me. Been having a few rough days too, and fact is I very much need to remind myself (and you) of a few very important things in order to make it through today.

From what I'm reading, you're current state of happiness is hinging on your W. You're feeling alone and abandonned and overwhelmed with a need to get answers from her even though it sounds like there were some very unhealthy things going on recently.

I've been in counseling for months, I've read so many books, I've shared my experiences with different people who have all had different outcomes with their relationships. And from all of that, this is what I took away.

1. You have to be 100% happy and at peace by yourself before you can give anything healthy to a relationship.

2. You cannot compel other people to love you back simply by loving them.

3. You cannot meet your own needs through a relationship with another person. You have to meet your own needs yourself. Placing those needs on the relationship drives the other person away.


There is a wonderful lecturer who gives some very good talks about meeting your own needs first. His name is Wayne Dyer. I've listened to nearly everything he's published on Audio.

If you can, follow these links and from there find many more of his:

YouTube - ‪Wayne Dyer/Don't Chase Happiness‬‏

YouTube - ‪Wayne Dyer/Changing The Habits That Erode‬‏


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Starting,
What I don't get is how she walked away and has not even looked back. That is just the tip of the iceburg. so much has happened and so much is pending. "my freedom" I know I can't make her do anything. I'm not trying to do that. I just don't understand how she can say she loved me and will be by my side and help me with my personal struggles. then just walk away on easter night. I can tell you with all honesty We had our first fight. It wasn't phyical by any means. but we yelled at each other. Then she called her sister in NY and she convinced My W to leave that night.

I did watch the videos. Thanks for sharing them. they do make sense and I try to live everyday like that. Even when we were still together.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

I am having a very bad day too, again. In bed again.

What Starting wrote is right. I just wish there was a way to battle the depression so I could want to work on myself. 

Do not send the letter, it will just make things worse and you said you might get in trouble if you try to contact her. I know it is very hard when you don't know why W is doing what she's doing, you have a thousand questions and you want a thousand sufficient answers in return. I guess you have to try and make yourself okay with the fact that you will never know these answers.

Bottom line: This sucks really bad. I know how you feel.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

YouTube - ‪Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry‬‏

I know what I'm going to be doing tonight...


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thorn407 said:


> ...I just don't understand how she can say she loved me and will be by my side and help me with my personal struggles. then just walk away on easter night.


Actions speak much louder than words. The reality is she walked, it was a conscious decision and its what she wants. You have no choice but accept it, or stay where you are (and it sounds like you don't like this place).

Sorry, I don't really know your backstory or the details, but I can glean enough from the above sentence you wrote. My W walked too, said she tried to work on it, but in reality we never gave it much effort, not even a chance. I'd have liked to but now I must accept that what she wants is to live without me as her H, or else I will stagnate and die miserable - I KNOW I don't want that, so the choice becomes easy (though the feelings that go with that are not).


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Its a beautiful song and there's nothing at all wrong with mourning something that you've lost.

I do understand your need for answers. My STBXH is constantly pecking at me seeming to need answers, the difference being that when I've tried to give them, I've not been heard at all.

If her feelings for you were strong enough, she'll come around. Do what you can to take care of yourself right now.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> Actions speak much louder than words. The reality is she walked, it was a conscious decision and its what she wants. You have no choice but accept it, or stay where you are (and it sounds like you don't like this place).
> 
> Sorry, I don't really know your backstory or the details, but I can glean enough from the above sentence you wrote. My W walked too, said she tried to work on it, but in reality we never gave it much effort, not even a chance. I'd have liked to but now I must accept that what she wants is to live without me as her H, or else I will stagnate and die miserable - I KNOW I don't want that, so the choice becomes easy (though the feelings that go with that are not).


Lon,
Here is OP.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/27368-gone-since-easter-long-read.html


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Sadly, we will never get the responses we want from those types of emails. I would just keep it here, that way your W will not hold the power over your relationship. I hurt for a man who didn't want to try, and I offered. I am in a better spot and you will be too soon enough. Just keep doing your part and getting up and participating in life, and joy will find you and all of us again.


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## StartingAgain (Jun 29, 2011)

Thorn, 

I read your OP. I'm sorry, but I think you need to walk away from this one. So many unhealthy things about it. 

*Respect yourself. *


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I remember your OP now, my comment still stands, actions speak louder than words, she has a drug problem and is involving her child in an unhealthy lifestyle.

You need to get a lawyer, big time. Get your name cleared, face the court whatever go in with the truth and you need to distance yourself from this woman you have no future with her (sorry, that is just my opinion, maybe if she turns her life around she could be a part of your life in the future, but that is not the goal for you right now). If you care for the child your lawyer should be able to offer legal options, but don't use your attachment to the child to try to have a relationship with your wife.

I'm confused why you would face jail, is there a warrant for your arrest, or is it just the divorce papers you are trying to avoid being served? Either way avoidance is not the solution, man up and tackle the problem(s) head on.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

OK here is why I can't have contact. when she ran to NY she came back after 10 days. I was picked up and arrested on agg. child abuse. I was picked up in Daytona beach on Friday the 13th. Yea i know....
So On the 16th Orange county came and picked me up and I went to court the next day. I was given a 3500.00 bond. I posted it. Got out. one of the terms is no contact with the victim. 3 Y/O. 

See when she went back to NY she left her son up there with her parents. well she also told the Sheriffs department I tryed to drownd her son. That never happened she said this on the local TV station. she claimed and I quote: her father said this. So I know its hearsay and a out right lie! so that's why I can't contact her. If I makr contact it will violate my pre trial release terms. And TBH she has been baiting me to do just that. she has hacked into my email account changed my password and signed me up for a bunch of nasty sex sites. Everyday I get things I never heard of in my inbox. So I changed my password contacted the PTR officer told her whats going on. she said call the cops. I'm affraid to call them No telling what she will say or do at this point. all I know is she wants me back in jail. and she will do just about anything to get what she wants.

I know I'm not suppose to say anything about this, but I don't care who judges me. I know and so does God. It never happened. I was allowed to return to get my things but I have not even done that. After all I can't haul much on a motorcycle now can I.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I remember your OP now, my comment still stands, actions speak louder than words, she has a drug problem and is involving her child in an unhealthy lifestyle.
> 
> *You need to get a lawyer, big time*. Get your name cleared, face the court whatever go in with the truth and you need to distance yourself from this woman you have no future with her (sorry, that is just my opinion, maybe if she turns her life around she could be a part of your life in the future, but that is not the goal for you right now). If you care for the child your lawyer should be able to offer legal options, but don't use your attachment to the child to try to have a relationship with your wife.
> 
> I'm confused why you would face jail, is there a warrant for your arrest, or is it just the divorce papers you are trying to avoid being served? Either way avoidance is not the solution, man up and tackle the problem(s) head on.


I know I need to lawyer up. But I'm out of work I look everyday but their isn't any plumbing jobs out there. So I can't afford one. I'm going to have to put my fate in the hands of the public defenders office. I did talk to some lawyers but I don't have 8 grand to get a store bought lawyer. My family doesn't have it. I'm even affraid to post what i have on here because the State attorneys office can find all kinds of sosial media out lets and use it against me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I can see your frustration and anger, and its ok. But you honestly need to get a lawyer to fight the fraudulent charges, and clear your name. The terms of the bond make your choice obvious, I know you love her and her child, but before you can do anything the first matter for you is the legal one. GET A LAWYER!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OK public defender, maybe not the best line of defense but you gotta get this taken care of before you can do anything else. Don't let your hope of reconciliation distract you from what you need to do, I'm reluctant to offer any kind of advice other than that because of the legal complexities you are facing - all I can say is if she is so unreluctant to saddle you with these challenges you have to let her go!


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> I can see your frustration and anger, and its ok. But you honestly need to get a lawyer to fight the fraudulent charges, and clear your name. The terms of the bond make your choice obvious, I know you love her and her child, but before you can do anything the first matter for you is the legal one. GET A LAWYER!



Now you see why I want to jump from the parking building across from her employer. And I want her to see it so she has to live with what she has done to me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

No I don't see how that is a solution at all. If you love her why would you inflict that upon her? If you don't love her then stop wasting your time and just try to find some peace and happiness by yourself. I too have had suicidal thoughts through this, but it is a pointless form of revenge, you will just be seen as a coward - and I know you're not.

By dwelling on this you are just making yourself miserable. You have zero obligations to her so just walk away. I know you are hurting and need to heal, to some degree or another everyone on this website is, so just take a breath and realize we have some fellowship, we are not alone and we'll get through our problems. It's time for you, and there is so much this world has to offer, like you I have to figure out how to start experiencing all the good things again. So hang in there, you will be fine. Next time you see something you like just let yourself enjoy it, open up your heart and eyes to the good things and the future.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Lon said:


> No I don't see how that is a solution at all. If you love her why would you inflict that upon her? If you don't love her then stop wasting your time and just try to find some peace and happiness by yourself. I too have had suicidal thoughts through this, but it is a pointless form of revenge, you will just be seen as a coward - and I know you're not.
> 
> By dwelling on this you are just making yourself miserable. You have zero obligations to her so just walk away. I know you are hurting and need to heal, to some degree or another everyone on this website is, so just take a breath and realize we have some fellowship, we are not alone and we'll get through our problems. It's time for you, and there is so much this world has to offer, like you I have to figure out how to start experiencing all the good things again.  So hang in there, you will be fine. Next time you see something you like just let yourself enjoy it, open up your heart and eyes to the good things and the future.



Thanks man :iagree:

If the weather ever clears up i'm going out this weekend to Universal Stuidos and howl at the moon saloon. I have a pass for both parks and really enjoy riding the roller coasters.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Thorn407 said:


> Now you see why I want to jump from the parking building across from her employer. And I want her to see it so she has to live with what she has done to me.


If she falsely accused you of child abuse, don't think that she hasn't already 'thrown you under the bus'. You need to make plans and take action. Make a list of what you want to accomplish every day - see counselor to get your head cleared. Get working on your case. Focus on you! Best revenge is living well!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Lon said:


> OK public defender, maybe not the best line of defense but you gotta get this taken care of before you can do anything else. Don't let your hope of reconciliation distract you from what you need to do, I'm reluctant to offer any kind of advice other than that because of the legal complexities you are facing - all I can say is if she is so unreluctant to saddle you with these challenges you have to let her go!


Totally agree with all of this.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Thorn407 said:


> Thanks man :iagree:
> 
> If the weather ever clears up i'm going out this weekend to Universal Stuidos and howl at the moon saloon. I have a pass for both parks and really enjoy riding the roller coasters.


Sounds like a blast! I'm a bit of a coaster fiend but live so far away from any parks. At some point I'll plan a six flags vacation or something...


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Last night. I didnt get any sleep. tryed reading a book I did read it but don't ask me what I read. I'm reading Bram Stokers dracula. yea the same as the movie but this book seems long and drawn out. anyways back to me. I couldn't get any sleep but when I did I horable dreams of her. So at 6 AM I was up. 

Does it get better?

:scratchhead:


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

It doesn't necessarily get better in a sense,but it does get easier to move forward with you program of life. You will always have a sense of loss and betrayal, but it becomes less important in your life. Praying for your peace to return soon.


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