# Is there hope left? Advice Please!



## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I've posted before but now things have escalated. Long story short, my H has been struggling with leaving me, and over the last 8 months upped and left me 6 times, each time coming back saying he wanted to work on it, why he is coming back but not necessarily why he left. I foolishly took him back and we both did all the wrong things - didnt address the heart of the issue, pretended things were the same, etc. The last time he came back he agreed to counselling and then 2 days before a session by himself first, he left again. 

His reason for leaving and wanting a separation/divorce: He does not love me, he is not in love with me, there is no connection, he is moving on period. 

I realize I need to get a backbone, get my confidence and work on myself. Easier said than done when your life is falling apart....but I am trying. I'm also trying to do the no contact thing but we have a big dog that is a lot of work and so we briefly discuss her. Sooner than later we will have to talk about a separation agreement. Given his pattern of behaviour of ambivalence, do any of you think I should hold out any hope?? Maybe I'm just desperate or I need to hear a dose or reality from strangers...

Help please.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Why do you keep taking him back? Six times in eight months? Next time he leaves, change the locks and go on a vacation. See if he gets it through his head that he can't just come and go as he pleases.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I kept taking him back b/c he fed me the lines that he was here to stay and to work on it....I was foolish and wanted to believe I guess. Now we are at the point where he has left and wants to move on....is it the point of no return?


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

If he's saying something like that, yes. He's shown that he has some serious issues with commitment. If he's now saying that its over, take that as truth. This is his choice, not yours. You can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to. Start looking out for yourself.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I need to hear a dose or reality from strangers...


 Okay, Confused, here it is.....

1.) You're not in a marriage, you're running a motel. I mean, really? Six times in eight months? Six times?

2.) You two need to SEPARATE (or put a turnstile in at the front door.)

3.) Get tested for STDs. Yeah, yeah, you're SURE he's not cheating. Maybe he's NOT, but better you KNOW than WONDER about your health.

4.) During this separation (which should last for *AT LEAST *6 months), you should EACH be in IC. Not, MC...Individual Counseling.

5.) During the separation, figure out what the hell YOU want. Tell your husband to figure out what the hell HE wants. Six months, six months, six months....living alone, paying your own bills, accountable for your OWN actions, thinking about what you want in 10, 20, 40 years. BTW, NECESSARY contact only (house, finances, kids, pets discussions...no 'I'm lonely', 'are you dating')

6.) At the end of the six months, HAVE A MEETING. By THEN, you will KNOW whether you want MC or a divorce.

Just STOP managing 'Hotel Crazytown'.


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## stedfin (Apr 14, 2012)

Where does he go when he leaves?

Who is he going with?

I'm thinking drugs, another woman or both.

You can't just change the locks, that's against the law.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the input. He leaves and stays with one of his single guy friends. I dont think drugs, but possibly another woman. Although I think a long separation *might* help, he left a month ago he was adamant about moving on, separation and divorce to follow...


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