# Sex Outside of Marriage



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Nearly 90% of Americans say it is "always" or "almost always" wrong for a married person to have sex with someone other than their spouse (Smith, 1994). This information was taken from an old 1990s text book on human sexuality. While this percentage has probably decreased in our day (as sexual promiscuity has become more common place), I would estimate that there are still a vast majority of people who believe that married persons should only have sex with their married partners.

Other research studies (this time more recent) identified some of the risk factors that lead people to have sex outside of their marital relationship (DeMaris [2009]), and some of the safety nets that may help prevent extramarital sex (Treas & Giesen [2000]). A couple of items from these studies really stood out for me. 

*1) Married spouses were more likely to be faithful to each other when they remained together and did not have a marital separation* (DeMaris [2009]). Some may think that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." All too often, absence can make the heart grow fonder, but fonder for someone else. This goes along with my previous post on trial separations. 

*2) This study also noted that there was an increased risk of sexual activity outside of a marriage when couples spent little time together* (DeMaris [2009]). Doing things together fosters unity. Couples who spend more time are more apt to have sex with each other, and not someone else.

*3) Living together before getting married (cohabiting, or shacking up) actually raises the risk of later marital infidelity by about 39%* (Treas & Giesen [2000]). In other words, living together before getting married does not strengthen the sexual relationship between a husband and wife. I have written on this topic as well, find it here.

*4) Spending time together and building relationships with in-laws was shown to decrease the risk of marital infidelity by 24%* (Treas & Giesen [2000]). This statistic was very interesting to me, but it also makes sense. Building a relationship with the in-laws seems to be a helpful safety-net for decreasing the risk of infidelity.

*References*
DeMaris, A. (2009). Distal and proximal influences on the risk of extramarital sex: A prospective study of longer duration marriages. _Journal of Sex Research 46(6), _597-607.

Smith, T. W. (1994). Attitudes toward sexual permissiveness: Trends, correlates, and behavioral connections. In A. S. Rossi (ed.), _Sexuality across the life course _(pp. 63-97). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

Treas, J., & Giesen,D. (2000). Sexual infidelity among married and cohabiting Americans. _Journal of Marriage and the Family_, 62, 48–60.

Originally posted at Improve My Marriage Sex outside of marriage


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

#4 depends on the person. For me it is important that I marry someone who has a good relationship with my family. I have 7 siblings and dozens of nieces and nephews. My siblings are my best friends. They always have been. I would not marry someone who could not get along with them.

I also would not have married anyone who did not treat my mother well and withe respect. My father died when I was 21.. but when he was alive, I ended it with a boyfriend or two who was disrespectful to my parents.

What I have found is that when someone is disrespectful to my family, eventually that disrespect it turned on me. Some of my siblings married people who did not like the family... and now after years of marriage their spouses threat them they same way the spouse once treated our family.

Then there are people who don't care that much about their own family so it's not important to them that their spouse develops a good relationship with their family.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

*Dean* said:


> On # 3, I believe that to many women make a mistake by living with a man before getting married. No problem sleeping together but if you live with a man before getting married, it doesn't make marriage that special.


I think many people mistakenly think that they can take their relationship for a test drive and avoid problems down the road. They want to test everything and make sure there's no hassle. While I can understand the logic of it I dont think it makes for a very strong foundation.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

HA!
None of these work for me...well, maybe that he and I spend tons of time together.

We had a separation that was good for us. Divorce was never an option.

We don't deal with inlaws. EVER. Omg. Thank GOD for that. I would go insane.

We lived together for a year before marriage...a year a 3 months. I wouldn't marry someone I couldn't live with. I think that's bullshet to say we have more of a chance of infidelity. lol. 

I think if people want to cheat, they will....NO MATTER what circumstances surround the infidelity.

I'm not a statistic. I'm a free-thinking individual.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I agree with 1, 2 and 3.
> 
> Don't agree with 4 with In-Laws. I don't believe it has anything
> to do with it.
> ...


I think you're wrong.

Hubs and I never wanted to get married. But we lived together and were going to just cohabitate and raise our children. We have seen bad marriages in our own families, so we weren't keen on marriage.

Then one day we just decided we should marry.  It wasn't a romantic proposal or anything silly like that. It was a decision that we really thought about...and decided together 

Living together didn't make our marriage less special. In fact, it was AWESOME to go home after our wedding as Mr. and Mrs. Thatgirl. LOL!

But we're a little different than most. We were living together by month 3 of dating because I was already a month pregnant  before "us", we were both living alone for many years.


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## ArtOnFire (Jan 16, 2012)

Ive been with my Hubby for 10 yrs, since i was 15 almost completely consecutively. Except for two weeks after I found out about what I had hoped was just an online relationship. Something inside of me broke apart my pride and stepped over my self esteem because even though I hated him, I couldn't stop loving him. Unfortunately, I will always hate myself a little for taking him back, when I'm not even sure he wanted me back, back then. 
He treats me like a princess, we speak constantly, except for when i was pregnant with our daughter, sex has always been a marathon . 
But, in the end, statistics don't matter. Most educated people know they can be molded to fit any theory, or answer the researchers are working towards.
Do I know that he wont do it again? No
Do I know if we will change apart from each other 10 yrs from today? no
Do I know if I can always resist the urge to cheat myself? No, even though every fiber of my moral being tells me no.
Do I need to trust him, me, and believe that our commitment to each other, and our love for each other will withstand the urges?
yes...if not i cant be with him, or anybody.


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