# My husband of 11 months moved out and doesn't want any communications with me. .



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

Hello, 

My husband of 11 months moved out over 2 weeks ago. He does not want to communicate or have any contact with me. He is considering divorce. Lets me give you all a little background on how it came to this point. We both came into the married with unresolved issues from our past. I came into the marriage with a lot of anger and my husband came into the marriage with hurt and pain from his past. These issues were never dealt with. Before, we got married we tried counseling, but my husband wasn’t really that interested. It was something about counseling that scared him. I was always the strong one and he was the fragile, something I wasn’t really use to and didn’t really know how to deal with someone like my husband, but I married him away because I love him and he is a great person. 

Well, right after we got married we argued a lot, very heated arguments. I said a lot of hurtful and mean things to him out of anger and frustration. He said something’s as well, but I never took it to heart because I knew he said things out of anger, but he took what I said to heart and never had let it go. My intentions wasn’t to tear him down, but was to build him up. I wanted him to be my husband not my child. I wanted his support and wanted him to be the man of the house and make decisions or give me advice about certain things, but he always allowed me the make the decisions whether it was good or bad. He was like a yes man. He would never express what he was going through and how he felt. He allowed me to do and say whatever I wanted, even if it was bad or wrong. I tried talking to him about my concerns, but he always felt like I wanted to create an argument, but really I wanted to address issues that we had and fix them. 

Trying to get through to my husband was very frustrating and I already didn’t really have much patience. So, before he moved out we were arguing for about a week in a half straight. I was very angry and said and did a lot of mean and hurtful things to him that really broke him down. At the time, I didn’t really know how bad it was up until he moved out and had spoken to my mother a week later and told her everything that went on in our marriage. He went in-depth. He also told my mom that he cannot come back to the house and I torn his heart apart and that I treated him like a dog. He express to her that he gave me everything and at this time he has nothing left to give. He also reached out to my sister two weeks after he moved out and told her everything and said that he started the paperwork for divorce. He also express that he still love me but he can’t go back because he feels like I would never change.

This situation really opened my eyes and made me realize I wasn’t being a respectable wife and how much I love my husband. I tried reaching out to him via text and email express my love and how I’m sorry for everything and giving the marriage a second chance, but no response. He also told his father and his sister about the situation and they are encouraging him to leave me. So, for the past two weeks, I became closer to God. I prayed for restoration and give my marriage to God. I also made an appointment to see a therapist to work on myself and my issues. This situation has broken me down.

If there is anyone that can give me some advice or who had experience something similar or any husband who left their wife and came back, please share. I’m open to listen. Thanks!


----------



## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

You gave your marriage to God? What does that mean? You don't have a marriage, he is gone and divorcing you. Why would God want that?


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Did you cheat on this man? Something must have triggered his decision to move away from you


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ Aston, No, I never cheated on him. I believe he felt like the one woman in his life that he trusted betrayed him. He explain to my family that he is hurt about how I treated him and what was said to him.


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

Something just seems fishy about the whole thing. What could you have possibly done to make him simply walk away. Everything you've mentioned so far is very common in marrages and people don't just walk away after 11 months. 
Unless he either didn't want to be married to you to begin with or he was simply looking for a reason to walk away. I'm sure he knew how you were before going ahead with the marriage.


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ Aston, Yes, it really doesn't make sense to me either. Yes, he knew how I was in the beginning, but he did explain to my sister that it was different before we got married because we lived in separate homes. Also, my husband wasn't really a strong person, for his mother/father mistreated him as well. He has low self esteem and self confidence. I was trying to rebuild him, but then got frustrated and gave up after we were married because I put in a lot of work while we were dating and I felt like he wasn't meeting me half way on building himself up. So, I began to say mean and hurtful things to him while we were in arguments. I guess he felt less than a man, hurt and betrayed my me. This was all new to me as well and I guess I handle the situation the wrong way. I wasn't use to this but know I know after speaking with a therapist, family, friends and spiritual people. I am willing to save my marriage and to give us a second chance.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

It sounds like very bad communication on every level followed with frustration and lashing out at each other. Some hurtful things said during a argument can stay in the back of ones mind and be very damaging to them and how they feel about their spouse.

If you want this to work out you both need counseling and you two have to find a way to communicate without getting into heated battles. Both of you need to be able to communicate what you want from each other without the resulting anger and resentment and then both be committed to doing those things to the best of your ability.

It sounds like its already reached a point where you marriage is hanging over a precipice. The best you can do is apologize for what was said and tell him you are seeing a counselor and want to work things out. 

If he is not committed though to seeking help for his problems and working with you to save the marriage I'm afraid it will be a uphill battle. Sounds like he has a lot of issues and the only way he can keep his head up high is by pure denial of them.


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

I think there's more to this story..


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

aston said:


> I think there's more to this story..


Possibly, but if you have a couple who argues and lashes out at each other all the time you really don't need more of a reason for him leaving. There is only so much verbal abuse someone can take from the person who is suppose to love them.


----------



## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

NoWhere said:


> Possibly, but if you have a couple who argues and lashes out at each other all the time you really don't need more of a reason for him leaving. There is only so much verbal abuse someone can take from the person who is suppose to love them.


Yes but after just 11 months of marriage?


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Good point! That is a rather short time, but I wonder how long they were together beforehand.


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ NoWhere, we were together for two years before we married. He propose to me 2 months after we started to date and I told him lets get to know each other better before I said yes. And, then he proposed after a year later. When I meet him he was unhappy and depressed. I brought light into his life. I guess that's why fell in love with me.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

well it sounds like the marriage was doomed to have problems from the beginning. He had issues he needed to deal with before getting into a relationship and you may have some codependency issues. A part of you felt like you needed to rescue this guy and 'fix' him. But you can't do that as you can tell.

Here's a very brief thing on Co-dependency. See if it rings any bells.
Basics of Codependency


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

Your story is amazingly close to my wife and I, with some minor changes in the details. I didn't file for divorce, but I did see an attorney about a legal separation. I never filed because it was too much like divorce.

During the first 10 years of our marriage my wife and I fought like crazy. Seems like all we ever did was argue. We both came into the marriage with a lot of baggage, like the two of you did. We actually went to marriage counselors - 3 of them in about a 2 year period. One of them actually advised we get a divorce! Thanks a lot.

Anyway, it reached a point where I believed we were unable to work things out or stop fighting, so I moved out and took a sales job on the road for 6 months. My hope was that we'd give each other enough space and breathing room to be able to re-establish a friendship, like we were before we got married.

Anyway, what we finally learned, and what turned our marriage around, was learning to give each other space, and to stop trying to change each other.

My wife and I are different in many areas. For example she loves socializing with our friends by playing board games, etc., and I can't stand it. Well we just allow each other to enjoy things and do things the other doesn't like or wouldn't choose. On nights shes playing board games I may catch a football game, work on my business, write another book, etc. And we're each ok with that.

We've found we'll also make concessions to each other at times to accommodate the others wishes, but it's different because we know we don't *have* to.

Since your husband has cut off all forms of communication that makes it kind of tough. You're doing the right things by seeking help for your own issues and getting closer to God. When it comes to God too often we're like kids who don't want anything to do with their parents - unless they want something. Then all of a sudden our kids are interacting with us. God is so amazing because He'll always take us back during our low points if we're sincere. Like we would one of our children who'd been away.

The best thing you can do is keep praying. And while you're praying trust and believe. Believe that God hears _and answers_ every prayer. Sometimes His answer is yes, sometimes no, sometimes maybe (like us with our kids ... it might depend on some conditions being met). Sometimes His answer is wait, because the other person isn't ready and God won't violate their free will. The bottom line is if we will trust God, He'll bring about the best possible outcome for what we are asking for that is consistent with His wisdom and character. In your situation I'd keep praying for the marriage and for God to open the channels of communication between you and your husband at the right time.

The good news is no matter how bad it feels right now people and situations can change. The difference in both my wife and I - and by extension our marriage - is like night and day. Nothing short of a miracle in my opinion.

I've got a good blog post and have written a few reports I give away at no charge but I think forum rules don't allow me to share the link. I can summarize the blog posts message though. It's about the "3 C's of marriage". They are key principles that lay a solid foundation for any marriage. They are 1. Commitment 2. Communication and 3. Compromise. Get those 3 down - in that order - and you'll be amazed at what can happen. It'll be 32 years for us in June.


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

@ Vrs, your story is very encouraging. Thanks so much for sharing!!!! I will definitely continue praying for my marriage, for I took my vows seriously.


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

Updates, Well I just found out that my husband file for a divorce on the 23rd of Jan. He is still not communicating with me. The way I found out was by calling the clerks of court. i'm so torn right now.


----------



## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Hi 82 - Are you doing okay?

God Bless you

Zappy


----------



## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

82Baby said:


> Updates, Well I just found out that my husband file for a divorce on the 23rd of Jan. He is still not communicating with me. The way I found out was by calling the clerks of court. i'm so torn right now.


I'd consider that closure.. when you meet the next guy maybe you will have worked on yourself enough to know that love ISN't the constant bickering and trying to 'change' the guy.. 

Find someone who meets your expectations upfront.. that way you won't waste time trying to 'mold' someone into something they are not.


----------



## Vrs (Jan 23, 2013)

82Baby said:


> Updates, Well I just found out that my husband file for a divorce on the 23rd of Jan. He is still not communicating with me. The way I found out was by calling the clerks of court. i'm so torn right now.


Just saw this ... 

You've done your best to make things right. No matter what happens I would just encourage you to keep working on yourself. Stay true to the changes you made and keep trusting in God and "this too shall pass". If 82 is your birth year (or even your graduation year) you still have a lot ahead of you.


----------



## 82Baby (Jan 18, 2013)

Well, I was finally served the divorce papers at my job on our anniversary day (2/11/13). He still have not contacted me. I was able to retain an attorney. However, I am much better. I put God first in my life. I've been praying for strength, peace, patience, love and faith, which He has given me all and more. 

I recently got accepted in the RN (register nurse) program, Praise the Lord, that start in May 2013. Therefore, I'm only focusing on things that I have control of, such as my kids, family, work and school. I realize that focusing, on God, prayer and myself brought a lot of blessing my way. I can truly say Thank the Lord!!!


----------



## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Let me see if I am reading this right.....

You and your husband married too early, in what you might call a "whirlwind romance". Sound about right? You clearly both had issues you haven't dealt with before marriage, which isn't bad if you're both willing to work on these.... And learn how to fight without tearing each other apart like an abusive couple. 

He HAS some issues with depression, maybe clinical depression or bipolar disorder. I can tell with the anger bouts and the depression lines that just say over and over "I'm too depressed to cope" and "I've talked to everybody and my siblings, my pastor, my therapist all agree with me. Not to mention he was "afrwaid" of counseling!? WTF!? That's because he knew the marriage counselor would find something in him that he doesn't want to deal with. People with severe depression usually ignore it and in his case HE IS displaying the typical male signs of aggression - Anger, withdraw, self loathing, projecting problems on you, probably lack of sexual interest too.

I can't see it here in what your telling us, but I wouldn't be surprised if he was leaving you for someone else. Usually when the wayward doesn't want to go to counseling, doesn't want to accept any blame on their part, not even a litttle, and says things like "oh it's all your fault you hurt me", "you broke my heart", and "I can never trust you" - When you honestly feel like these words are coming from a movie and not meant for you.... How can you trust someone else when you can't be trusted and lie about everything? That's all I'm going to say about fidelity and leave it at that. 

I hate to say it but the general rule for the time in marriage and divorce says something like *"If they leave in the first year, or first couple of years.... Let them go!"* Because if you've sort of rushed into the honeymoon phase in a whirlwind romance and you start to cool off and have frequent fights. If you're being blamed for everything but the kitchen sink and made to feel like you're an abusive wife when that couldn't be further from the truth. And most importantly..... If you made all the decisions like you said and took charge of all the responsibilities, and now you're told things like "You were always controlling", "You never let me do anything", or "It's your fault we're broke(when you're the only breadwinner and aren't getting any help on his part)". 

Honey, it's not you... It's him! There are some people who really think if they enter marriage all their problems will be solved and they will have someone taking care of them for life, when they're not doing anything to contribute and sort of sucking out all you can give and paying you back in complaints. I'm also seeing signs here of wanting to be the victim with the 'tattling to everyone' and spreading lies against you instead of allowing you to tell your story to clear the air with his family. That's not a person you want to be involved with (if you reconcile) if he's going to go to facebook or twitter to get other people to agree with him and team up on you. Normally you do get a little of this with every divorce, but theres a limit of what you should tell others.... I've heard it in little bits and pieces but only people who get off on playing the victim whill go out there with the "whoa, is me" crap and rally others for there-there-baby treatment.


----------



## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

82Baby said:


> Well, I was finally served the divorce papers at my job on our anniversary day (2/11/13). He still have not contacted me. I was able to retain an attorney. However, I am much better. I put God first in my life. I've been praying for strength, peace, patience, love and faith, which He has given me all and more.
> 
> I recently got accepted in the RN (register nurse) program, Praise the Lord, that start in May 2013. Therefore, I'm only focusing on things that I have control of, such as my kids, family, work and school. I realize that focusing, on God, prayer and myself brought a lot of blessing my way. I can truly say Thank the Lord!!!


Amen


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are doing what you need to be doing... getting on with your life.

No more quick marriages, ok? Date for a year or two first. Be strong on your own first. 

God Bless you. I hope your new education program goes very well.


----------

