# All messed up



## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

The last year has been hell on earth. I never want to live through anything like it again and at times wasn't sure I would. 

Long story short is that my wife had an affair last year. The why's and wherefores don't really matter. In truth I blamed myself and to a large extent still do. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.

I caught on very early that something was wrong last July and after a few weeks of careful watching aka spying got the proof I needed. Suffice to say I found some items in our bedroom that were of no use to me, plus one night I read some texts on her phone after she accidentally left it behind when she went out.

That's I guess when I made my first mistake. I decided to say nothing. I was terrified that she would leave me. Truth be told when it came to that point I realised how much I loved her and how much she meant to me.

I tried to talk to her but I'm not very good that way. Too shy even with someone I've spent 20 years with. I said things like "if you'd had an affair I could understand it the way things have been, but all I would want is to put it behind us and move on." She flatly denied having an affair. This person was a friend, a brother of a girl she used to know. Turns out later he was an old boyfriend. They met on FB. How many times have I heard that since. Because I didn't tell her I knew I couldn't really object to contact. I did and it went underground. A couple of times it surfaced and I would not take it well. In the end I had a breakdown and coming out of that decided to tell her the truth. She was gobsmacked.

She agreed not to contact him any more. Apparently they only had sex the once. In his car. She seduced him.

A few months later (Feb) I find they are still in contact on FB via poking back and forth. This time I get her to block him on FB. We go to counselling but are both so fragile the counsellor recommends separate sessions for us.

Later again I find they are still texting each other. To me this is worse than if it was just sex. Its emotional. 

Now I'm numb and drained and don't know what to do. I love her . I've always been proud to be her husband. She says now that she has broken it off but I don't know if I trust her any more. I've heard so many lies and half truths and denials that I'm empty inside.

My question is this as I don't know where to turn.
Can these things be put aside ? Can two people who care about each other rebuild things?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NornIron7 said:


> The last year has been hell on earth. I never want to live through anything like it again and at times wasn't sure I would.
> 
> Long story short is that my wife had an affair last year. The why's and wherefores don't really matter. In truth I blamed myself and to a large extent still do. It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.
> 
> ...



I am sorry you are here, whether or not you can put her continued contact aside depends on behavior going forward. 

My STBEH also recontacted the OW two weeks after claiming to break it off and swearing not to. 

She sent him a fishing email, and he took the bait hook line and sinker. 

Later, I found out he was she called him when he was at a men's club. The same club she offered to take him too on his birthday so they both could get a lap dance.

So, please stay alert, don't bury your head in the sand if continued contact is a deal breaker for you. It was for me.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> It takes two to make a marriage and two to break it.


Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner... Whoever told you that is a bad influence and doesn't have clue. 

Half the people on this site were betrayed on what appeared to be happy marriages. they had no warning, no problems, no nothing. Their only mistake was to marry someone who doesn't really respect them enough to not engage other partners.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

To answer your question, can these things be put aside & can two people rebuild: yes.

But, two people have to be totally invested in making the rebuilding work, if only one is working at it, it will not work.

The problem here is that your wife has engaged in a lying, cheating behavior for a year now, and for the most part you allowed her behavior to continue. That is the most difficult part, dealing with a liar and a cheat. Good luck


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

NornIron7 said:


> I said things like "if you'd had an affair I could understand it the way things have been, but all I would want is to put it behind us and move on."


Sorry you are here,but saying this is pretty weak.She really doesn't even have to try minimizing,blame shifting or rug sweeping because you're willing to do it for her.You're offering her basically no consequences and "all will be forgiven" No real impetus to own up to her responsibilities and change her ways.jmo


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You have taken a very weak stance with your wife. The one thing I have learned is it take a hard jolt to wake them out of this fantasy in thier head.

Exposure is the first thing. Nothing like the light of day to end the contact and the dream world.

Yes you can R but your wife has to really be committed and contact the POSM is not really committed.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

You let her walk all over you by being silent and letting it skip since the first time it happened. You are afraid to be without her and this is preventing you from letting her know that you cannot put up with her cheating behavior. Man up, be firm and consider D to be an option if R won't work.

But I'm sure you'll get decent advice from BS around here.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Post-nup.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner... Whoever told you that is a bad influence and doesn't have clue.
> 
> Half the people on this site were betrayed on what appeared to be happy marriages. they had no warning, no problems, no nothing. Their only mistake was to marry someone who doesn't really respect them enough to not engage other partners.


COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli. 

In my case, I avoid conflict at any cost. I did mention from time to time that my needs weren't being met, but my wify wasn't hearing me. In 2005, I moved out f a couple of months to OW. That didn't work out, but it was enough of a shock to W that she asked me back and started listening to my needs some.

We are in MC now to try to resolve more things.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

mahike said:


> You have taken a very weak stance with your wife. The one thing I have learned is it take a hard jolt to wake them out of this fantasy in thier head.
> 
> Exposure is the first thing. Nothing like the light of day to end the contact and the dream world.
> 
> Yes you can R but your wife has to really be committed and contact the POSM is not really committed.


:iagree:

It is so easy to live a lie or fantasy. Sometimes a metaphysical blow to the head is required to gain perspective.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli.


You seem to have missed the situation when one of the partners puts such unreasonable demands on the other that they can never be met. 

People paint to themselves this fake idea of marriage as an eternal romance every single day, with their partner dedicating hours upon no end to them in a bliss of never ending uninterrupted happiness. 

Then when kids and real life kick in and that is not possible they come up with that "their needs aren't being met". Of course they aren't because they can't. The marriage wasn't destroyed by both, it was destroyed by the one that had unreasonable demands. 

The thing is, these people will never be happy with a single partner. As soon as the relationship enters that routine phase the cheater's eyes start wondering again. 

People like this should not marry. And when a marriage happens and doesn't work you cannot share the responsibilities of it ending. 

Not excusing you or anything but in your case you tried to talk to your wife. That doesn't happen everytime. There are plenty of people who never did that. In fact, just look around this forum. There are plenty of people who listened that "you weren't satisfying my needs" for the first time AFTER they found out about the affair. 

In those cases i think it is pretty safe to say that these are justifications and smoke screening, not causes. 

It's a real easy way to blameshift and leave the low pride/self esteem BS feeling guilty, as a way to make it easier for them to cake eat a little bit more.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

okay had to deete my post because i thought you were a innocent victim. now that you admitted that you had and affair and by your statements i don't think you ever realy owned that. plus it makes sense now that you would try to be compassionate with her since you screwed up to. maybe she stepped out because she didn't see you own up to your mistakes and decided that she would make you hurt as bad as you made her hurt. you have vot to start being honest. and i see some trickle truth coming from you. if you want o save you marriage it is time to face the beast that you and your wife have made a marriage. if you come on here for advice in an anonymous forum nd can't tell the truth t and the whole story then you have no chance for R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Sure it can be fixed---but only if she wants to do her part---and from what you are telling us---she has gone back to him 3 times---or she probably never broke contact

Also sex one time only---don't believe that for a minute

Look all you can control is you---you have tried most everything from your side---if she doesn't wanna break contact, and completely go NC---there is nothing you can do

Sure you can D/threaten D---but if she loves him, and not you, why are you banging your head agst. a wall----you are miserable, and it is only gonna get worse

At this point you have one option, tell her to go, tell her to go live with him, or wherever she wants---just tell her to get away from you---cuz you are not gonna spend the rest of your life playing 2nd fiddle, living in misery.

Guess what, she ain't worth it---did you actually know, that there are millions of women, out there, and you WILL find someone, you can love, and be loved in return

Do you really wanna spend the rest of your life, being a parole officer---spending every minute checking on her whereabouts, ---you will never trust her

Is it worth it-----what is so great about HER---is it the sex, is it the being great friends/buddies---the soulmate-----does she REALLY improve YOU

What is so great about this woman, your wife---that makes you wanna stay, and put up with this crap, she is dishing out to you.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

badbane,I don't think he had an affair.I think he just came out and finally told her he knew about hers.Up 'til then he had just been dancing around the subject.I could be wrong however,but that's how I interpreted it.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Almost puked when i read that new age touchy feely hogwash one liner...


Well.... In his case it may be different. He seems to be the kind of guy who will put up with any and all abuse just to receive whatever scraps she throws him and to, "always been proud to be her husband". My bet is he seldom gets any poon tang and she stay with him because he's a decent provider while banging her BF. I also bet and I quote, "they are still in contact on FB via poking back and forth", (if you know what I mean.) I used to love to date chicks with husbands like this dude. She's already mentally ditched him. Its just a matter of time before she makes it official.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

No I didn't have an affair. But I did emotionally leave her. Got wrapped up in work, more money but more travelling. Thought that what was wanted. That's what I meant by contributing to the situation. Eventually we stopped talking.
Don't know where I am at the minute. Lots of stuff here to think about. Some of it I disagree with and some of it I don't.
I think we have reached a watershed after the last time I found they had contact. This is the last chance saloon.

What keeps us together. Three kids. A shared past and I hope a shared future. For my 50th birthday I am going to Rome and drink wine and watch the sun go down over the Coloseum. There's only one person I want with me that day.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

dormant said:


> COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli.
> 
> In my case, I avoid conflict at any cost. I did mention from time to time that my needs weren't being met, but my wify wasn't hearing me. In 2005, I moved out f a couple of months to OW. That didn't work out, but it was enough of a shock to W that she asked me back and started listening to my needs some.
> 
> We are in MC now to try to resolve more things.


If you know you are a conflict avoider, and your wife would not listen to your complaints, why not take her to counseling before having an affair. 

I asked my STBEH for counseling many times, he was not interested. 

One counselor told STBEH that I had more reasons to cheat than he did, but I did not cheat. 

Marital difficulties are not a valid reason for cheating 

BTW: You have beat your wife into submission with your affair. 

She must have enormous resentment. Perhaps she is repressing it, but it will come out someday in someway.

I agree with one thing you said. ...YOur wife is shocked. She is shocked and maybe in denial to some degree. 

At least now she knows what you are capable of when you feel you are not getting your way.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

dormant said:


> COSTA, I have to disagree with you on this. I believe, in most cases, if a person gets everything they need at home, the won't need outside stimuli.
> 
> In my case, I avoid conflict at any cost. I did mention from time to time that my needs weren't being met, but my wify wasn't hearing me. In 2005, I moved out f a couple of months to OW. That didn't work out, but it was enough of a shock to W that she asked me back and started listening to my needs some.
> 
> We are in MC now to try to resolve more things.


Counseling or a request for divorce didn't work, but moving out with the OW did? I feel sorry for your wife, not sure what kind of prize she thinks she's keeping. Sorry, there is NEVER an excuse for cheating in the first world. Your actual choices are

1. do nothing
2. request counseling
3. file for divorce
4. cheat

I bet that filing for divorce and moving out on your own would have had the same shocking effect. But then, what was in that for you? And if your marriage hits the rocks again, gonna try cheating as your marital therapy of choice?

Ugh, I can't believe I'm even responding to this nonsense.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NornIron7 said:


> No I didn't have an affair. But I did emotionally leave her. Got wrapped up in work, more money but more travelling. Thought that what was wanted. That's what I meant by contributing to the situation. Eventually we stopped talking.
> Don't know where I am at the minute. Lots of stuff here to think about. Some of it I disagree with and some of it I don't.
> I think we have reached a watershed after the last time I found they had contact. This is the last chance saloon.
> 
> What keeps us together. Three kids. A shared past and I hope a shared future. For my 50th birthday I am going to Rome and drink wine and watch the sun go down over the Coloseum. There's only one person I want with me that day.


I wouldn't stay for the kids.

My husband had a long term emotional affair. What I sure as heck didn't do was go off to Rome on my own. But then, I was not ambivalent about wanting to restore our marriage with the love of my life.

It isn't fair to her if your heart isn't in it to keep on this way. No matter how many times she's cheated on you.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

i can't quote but you said you moved out to OW is that a place or a place or does that mean other woman?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Counseling or a request for divorce didn't work, but moving out with the OW did? I feel sorry for your wife, not sure what kind of prize she thinks she's keeping. Sorry, there is NEVER an excuse for cheating in the first world. Your actual choices are
> 
> 1. do nothing
> 2. request counseling
> ...


Actually, we started having the divorce papers drawn up a couple days after I moved out.

And, I didn't move to the other woman's place. I moved to an extended stay. I was gone for 2 months and only saw the OW twice during that period. And NO....we didn't have sex.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

A bit tricky to follow what’s going on as it looks like two different conversations.

Nevertheless thanks for all the replies and advice so far.

Re JnJ
-	I think she has finally broken contact now. For some time it had been by text only and I confronted her about that and I think it has stopped.
-	I don’t believe the one time sex either but ….
-	We have had the separation, divorce etc discussion two weeks ago. That’s why this is it now for me. 
-	The biggest issue for me is trust which is why my original question applies.
-	I think she is worth it. I made mistakes too and didn’t behave like an adult in our marriage and she felt neglected. A lot of things are in the open now and through counselling we are able to be fairly open and honest with each other. So I have hope for the future but I’m still very emotional about everything.

To - many of the other posters – yes I know I’ve been weak. That was my biggest mistake and I regret it immensely. I am not an assertive person but this has toughened me up beyond measure and I think the future is likely to be different for both of us. She is weak also and if she had confronted me about her unhappiness we might have had a chance before it got this far.

To – iheartlife – Haven’t been to Rome yet – that’s a few years off and the one person I want there is her. She is great company and fun to be with. I’m not ambivalent and do want to make a go of things with her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

NornIron7 said:


> What keeps us together. Three kids. A shared past and I hope a shared future. For my 50th birthday I am going to Rome and drink wine and watch the sun go down over the Coloseum. There's only one person I want with me that day.




Really? A cheater, a liar, an adulteress? Someone who rather be with her boyfriend than you?


Dont use your kids as an excuse to stay with her. You will screw up your kids' head in doing so.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

NornIron7 said:


> To - many of the other posters – yes I know I’ve been weak. That was my biggest mistake and I regret it immensely. I am not an assertive person but this has toughened me up beyond measure and I think the future is likely to be different for both of us. She is weak also and if she had confronted me about her unhappiness we might have had a chance before it got this far.


Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life, many, many forum members have been able to turn their marriages around by reading these.

Then, have her write a formal letter of No Contact, there are forms around here for you to follow. You send it / mail it to make sure it's been received and not altered.

Find a good marriage counselor, you want to find one trained to understand infidelity, a good litmus test is whether they're familiar with the excellent book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (a nationally recognized infidelity researcher). That book may also benefit you and your wife.

Have your wife tell her family with you present. Ask for their support.

Research the OM, who is he, does he have a criminal background, is he married, etc. Tell his wife or girlfriend, many times the OM dumps the wife. I suspect this will be the case in your situation because you've described your wife as the pursuer.

Get the books His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, and 5 Love Languages. Get her to read them too. Show her you are serious about changing (but: be sure and read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life FIRST, because you probably need these more; if you feel you are already doing most of what these books suggest, turn to the other books). HN/HN, LB, and 5 Love Languages all have free website questionnaires, get her to take them.

Continue to verify that she is No Contact (don't reveal your sources, because they may alter their means of communication). 

In the event she contacts him again: hard consequences. This means, if you have already exposed the affair to her family, filing for a divorce. Realize that divorce can be stalled or stopped at any time. It is a last-ditch wakeup call to your wife that you will not be #2.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

NornIron7 said:


> To - many of the other posters – y*es I know I’ve been weak.* That was my biggest mistake and I regret it immensely. I am not an assertive person but this has toughened me up beyond measure and I think the future is likely to be different for both of us. She is weak also and if she had confronted me about her unhappiness we might have had a chance before it got this far.


Yes, you were too weak to allow her to walk over you again and again without a trace of respect for you.

Dont blame your self for her A, its her choice you have nothing to do with that. You said she was weak to confront you but courageous enough to have an A and bang OM on your back.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NornIron7 said:


> A bit tricky to follow what’s going on as it looks like two different conversations.
> 
> Nevertheless thanks for all the replies and advice so far.
> 
> ...


The other conversation you mention applies to your situation. 

The point was that no matter what marital difficulties you had, your wife had two options that were not abusive. Cheating is emotional abuse and many times cheaters admit that they were intentionally trying to inflict harm on the spouse by cheating. 

Inflicting harm on a spouse by cheating is not the way to solve marital problems. 

So, Iron, no matter what you did, you appear to be taking too much responsibility for your wife's cheating. 

I did this, too, at first. It will, IMO, make your wife respect you less and may make her feel somewhat justified in her behavior in her own distorted way of thinking. 

If you were doing anything that upset her or annoyed her or both, the mature options for her, if she really wanted to save the marriage were:

1 - Ask for counseling and insist you go.


2- Ask for a divorce. It takes awhile for a divorce to become finalize, particularly if there is wrangling over issues or assets, so filing for divorce may shock some spouses into going to counseling, if they had refused such a request.

That is the point that is being made in the other conversation and it applies 100 percent to your situation.

Also, the fact that you got wrapped up in work is often seen as s good thing in a marriage. Too bad your wife didn't appreciate the fact that you wanted to work hard for your families future.

The OW in my STBEH's case mentioned the same thing in her emails. She whined about her husband working too much and not being home enough. She hired a detective to ensure he was not cheating. He wasn't the poor sucker was just working his butt off to support her very pampered lavish lifestyle with nannies and kids in private schools, spa trips and girl only vacations as well as frequent family vacations. 

Yet, she was not satisfied. Some women never are.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Norn,

so you confronted your wife but she is still lying to you.

How can you want to work on R if she is still lying.

Your R would be false.

If you want to move ahead she has to know that you are serious.

Serious about the truth.
Serious about a R.

So go for it. You both get in MC together. However, you need to set boundaries and if those boundaries you put in place are broken then she needs to know up front what the penalities will be.

-You tell her no more lies, you want all the truth. 

-You tell her NC. None as in dinada!

-To enforce NC she sends a letter totally breaking it off with posom. You see that letter and you make sure it is delivered.

-You secure your finances and see an attorney so you know your rights in case your R fails. Do not disclose about the attorney.

I know you blame yourself for the breakdown of the marriage. You should. Your both equally to blame for that.

But my man, you are not to blame for the cheating. She owns that all on her own. If she wants to R, she needs to be remorseful for her infidelity. She needs to put both feet to the fire and work to create a new marriage. 

If her heart is not in it you are just wasting your time. I understand wanting to keep the family together. But did the children keep her from cheating on you and blowing up the marriage.

*No it did not.*

Your intentions are good and noble. But for the past year hers intentions have been false. And I bet she risked your health as well as hers with no protection. One time my butt!!!

SO set the conditions for her to be given a chance to R with you. Take control of the wheel. Because her driving has almost destroyed not only you and your marriage but your family too!

And wouldn't be nice for her to become loyal and loving again. If not your trip to Rome will be taking her with you to feed her to the lions!!!

HM64


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

What you all say makes a lot of sense. Thanks.
I guess I wasn’t able to separate the underlying marriage problems with the cheating which is why I feel so guilty. But there are questions that need answered. There are things my wife and I need to resolve in order to move forward. At the minute we are both sort of in limbo with each other. I think she is still afraid to tell me things and in a way I’m afraid to ask.
The MC was so painful we stopped it a few months ago. It started wrong as I didn’t admit I knew about her A and just continued that way. In the end the MC called time on us as we were both in bits at the end of each session trying to keep a lid on things. My wife started single sessions which have helped as she was I think at the end of her tether trying to juggle her ongoing affair. I saw someone different.
Perhaps the time is right now to have that difficult conversation and get back into joint sessions. I need to think on that.

Thanks also for the various reading suggestions. I had already got some books as suggested to me by the MC. However I’ve added those suggested to my pile.

That’s good advice about verifying the non contact. Unfortunately she already knew where I got my info. I think I just need to be vigilant. However she never made the same mistake twice, so maybe there are other communications going on I don’t know about. However I don’t think so and in the end I have to trust a little as honestly it would be so easy to have an A without me ever knowing. To keep thinking that way would put me in an asylum.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

You are not a beta guy but you are Gama, its very difficult for you to become an alpha male which is badly required when confronting a cheater.

Still you dont know the truth, she is not fully remorseful, you dont know what you are actually forgiving but you want to R with a cheater who cheated her husband for a long time. sorry No one can change your fate


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Not really sure about all this alpha, beta, gamma stuff.

There are times I'll take the bull by the horns. But the issues in my marriage run deeper than a PA/EA by my wife with an old boyfriend.
I do feel she wants to put it behind her. For whatever reason and I'm willing to give it one last try. Its going to take hard work by both of us and honest communication on lots of levels. 
Timing I think is the key. I crashed mentally for about six months when I found out. After that I've been slowly getting to the point where I am today. If it continued or happened one more time then that is it. Full stop. I have to believe that she now wants to R. Otherwise there is no point in any of it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This stuff is painful thats for sure, but I think you owe it to your self if you are still sharing your wife.
I see no reason not to protect your self by confirming your WW commitment.
In my case after my wifes affair's it was something I needed to do. Sure my fWW action looked good but I didn't want this false sence of security so I continued to confirm her commitment by looking for other ways my fWW was communicating with OM's.

My investigations proved that her new changes were valide and in time my snooping faded. Its been 2-1/2 years since I confronted my wife and the R is going strong.
As painful as it is the A really has to be put on the table...all of the ugly details...the truth...the whole affair needs to be looked and studied

My point is it might do you some good to confirm her commitment...sure it could go the other way but then again you will now know were you stand. Yes its painful to talk about but if the A is not dealt with, head on with an aggresive discussion then alls we are doing is sweeping it under the rug and not taking the preventive maintence in affair proofing the marriage.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

NornIron7 said:


> Not really sure about all this alpha, beta, gamma stuff.


Alpha = A manly man with a tender side but kick's ass at a drop of a dime

Beta = Big time "P"

Gamma = I'm gonna guess cuckold?

BTW, this site it like crack sometimes. Thank god it's summer and I'm biking more often so I hardly log on but some of these stories are just heart breaking.

OM goes or you go, what else is there to discuss? BTW at this rate, there is no way in hell she's gonna be next to you in Rome, or she'll be there but texting the OM 24/7 sitting right next to you.

I keep having to say the same thing over and over, You've already lost at this point, if you make the ultimatum and they leave you really didn't lose anything. But if they turn around then you've started to win the fight.

Sorry to be blunt but sometimes the only way to get you to see reality instead of fantasy is to smack you upside of the head with a 2X4, and some people need a nuclear bomb to get them to see what's staring right at them.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

Do you know what ? I know I'm nuts. Thats the truth.
But there are a thousand reasons to stay and only one or two to go.
The second truth is that I believe her every time she tells me something. However this time I really think its true. I may be delusional but I think she has dumped him. I still have doubts but I'm not hurting as much now. 
I guess if push comes to shove I could walk which is more than I would have done 6 months ago. Perhaps I have 1% self respect left. At least thats what I told her. Time will tell.

I agree that these stories are heartbreaking. I know mine broke my heart.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You know, some cheaters cheat on their spouses for the pure pleasure of humiliating them. 

I think that is the case with your wife. She has zero regard for you.


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## NornIron7 (Jul 5, 2012)

No. I actually don't think that's the case.
I literally went nuts. Too much pressure in life, at work, home. I couldn't cope and got wrapped up in my own world. Spent 6 months in therapy.
We stopped talking, we stopped doing anything together. This has been a wake up call for me. I do think it was all timing. A year earlier or now if she met this guy n the pub it would have been Hi and Bye. Instead it was Hi and Sigh.

Sometimes that the way it goes. However it still happened. It still hurts. I'm not ever going to forget. But I'd rather look forward than back. Everyone is allowed to make a mistake. I've made mine. Admittedly not like this but still I've made a few. I guess I'll have to wait and see.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

OK problems in the marriage you should take ownership of that but an A is not your fault at all it is 100% on her.

To many BS think they are to blame. The WS made the choice they crossed the line.


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