# Wife treats me like a child that owes her. I am not perfect.



## Unabletoappease (Aug 2, 2013)

I am not perfect. I get that.

When we met, it was all fun and games. A false start, I know. Not reality. No stress. I saw the signs of her mood swings very early, but I ignored, because I thought a good bf was suppose to accept whatever.

As the relationship continued, she got more vocal on details of my life and other things she did not like. 

If I wasn't making progress at any point in the day towards something meaningful, she would get angry. 

She pried into my emails and facebook and got very little details about a girl I talked to before her. Nothing serious at all. When she confronted, I pointed at the dates, said we were friends, and she was gone. The truth was, I had actually liked the girl, and nothing ever happened. She had left the country. I didn't tell her that part, because I was a bit...bitter I guess, that someone would go through my stuff. I would share at my own time if it came o a discussion about it. Sneaking around just makes me angry.

Anyways, when we first dated I gave her a massages reguraly. I told her I never give people massages, except my grandmother. It slipt my mind that Igave that 'other girl' a very quick back massage. Nothing sensual, as i didn't want to come off as a weird touchy feely friend. Anyways, my then GF (Now Wife) was going through some my stuff and I had written a journal for a whole 2 days after that girl left. Detailed what we did the last few days (I know, it was sappy, but it sucked having someone you like literly leave you and know you will never see again). In the end, the girl was more of a sister figure, and looking back it was just the fear of her leaving that stirred other emotions. Anyways, my gf found the journal when she was snooping.

She made a big deal of it. I told her everything. She said I was a liar. It hurt that I was feeling guilty about my past that I don't believe I should have been guilty of anything. I never pried into her past. Past is the past.

Against my best judgement, I went on trying to do the impossible, make her happy. 

Another moment when I "lied" was when I bought a video game that I wanted (She does not like me playing). For my birthday, she ended up getting me that same game. Well, my brother was there and his big mouth said "You already bought that game." She exploded. At the time, we were dating still, and I just feel like I was being controlled to the point I feared to do anything. I had to report what I was doing, with who, and if I spent money. It is a shame, I know. I fealt that I had no part left of me, and that in order to get something I wanted, this once I would not report it to her. Needless to say, I never played my game anyways.

We got married very last minute. If I did something she didn't like, even as small as opening a cabinet door and forgetting what I was getting, she would throw a fit.

My third, and trully only lie, was that I got a TV on sale at walmart. Impulse buy. I lied and said I got it for cheap from a local listing. I suck at lying, and she found the receipt. I returned it. Was a big mistake, especially with her.

Remember, the whole time I am treated like crap. People see it. She says they are stupid, and that thats the way she is.

My last "lie" I do not consider a lie. She has threatened divorce since we married, more so now that I told her I feel like I am not respected and treated poorly (Her response is if you hate it, leave). I used my phone and docurmented the house for inventory in case we decided to split. I can't trust her, as she is a vengeful person. My phone is password locked (For work purposes, not to hide anything from my wife. She knows my password), and a few weeks ago I left my phone at home and she was snooping through my email, facebook, and texts. She got mad that I was telling my brother to avoid the type of girls he has always gravitated too and is always hurt by (asians), that he should try and aproach some other race to see if its better. Well, I changed my password. Agian, I felt I had no privacy or a right to express an opinion.

After I recorded the assets in my phone, we have been calm. No real issues, even though she is still cranky as ever. She mentioned if I had the video of our dog on my phone for some sort of dog competition. I showed her what I had, and accidently clicked on the one of me recording the house, naming things off. All she saw was a messy chair and me saying "This is the bedroom" before I shut it off. She instantly began screaming and asking why I did that. She tried to wrestle my phone out of my hand, and all I could come up with was I was showing the house to a coworker who had just bought a house. It was a moment of panick. I was damned if I told the truth that I did not trust her and was filming in case anything happened. I was still damned that I told her that. She was angry and demanded to see it, and that it wasn't my house to show.

She slept up stairs, and every time I tried to talk she would turn her back and say, "Tell that to your video." and other things to that line.

It's like being trapped with a controlling child that does not want to hear reason. I have no enjoyment, because that would be a waste of time to her. Then she tells me I am boring!

The few lies I have told, I feel, were in fear. I regret the TV one. I never pried into her past. I know about some of her past that is pretty...dissapointing, but I NEVER use it against her or acknowledge that I know, even when she will lie about it to my face. It is the past. I never look at her emails or anything else. I respect privacy. I have nothing to hide, but my privacy is the only thing I have left. I know she talks bad about me to her friends, and even posts demoralizing things on her facebook looking for sympathy and some sort of justifcation from others. Do I pry? No. I told her that we should keep things private and not post things like that, but she refuses.

She says my lies make her feel like she can't trust me.

Am I lost? I accept I did bad things, though not to the degree of how she treats me (Even before the first "lie".)

What should I do?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> What should I do?


Accept you married an unstable person and lie in the bed you made, or leave. You had plenty of red flags waving in your face before rushing off to marry her, and now you feel stuck. This is what happens when you go against 'your best judgment'.

You can't nice her into a stable personality. It's not about you being good to her, nice to her, bowing down to her. She is a person that will find fault in you no matter what you do.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Do you love her? What are the best parts about this marriage? 

It seems like you have identified a couple things you should be working on (not lying, not hiding things) and while those are good goals to work at improving, I highly doubt that is the source of your unhappiness.

I think you should start asking yourself why you allow her to treat you this way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unabletoappease said:


> What should I do?


(1) Read No More Mr Nice Guy, Hold On To Your N.U.T.S., and Married Man Sex Life Primer.

(2) Separate and spend the next couple years learning about yourself and learning to stand up for yourself before getting involved with her or any other woman.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Divorce her. She sounds like a miserable human being. Don't waste another day if your life. Make sure to move your personal valuables offsite and speak to an attorney. If you have guns at home remove them and store somewhere she can't get to. 

Start looking for apartments and stop any direct deposits. Don't use your attorney as a therapist. He/she job is to secure your legal rights to your assets. Don't allow your ex to rack up legal bills by delaying. 

Finally go into IC and figure out why on earth you married her with all those red flags.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

btw, reading those books will help you learn how to stand up for your principles and see that you CAN do this and still be married. In fact, the more you stand up for yourself (within reason), the more she will respect you and the LESS she will harp on you. Women have to respect their men and if the men act weak, it pisses the women off and causes them to get mad and stay mad.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Do you ever get to have any fun? WHY are you in this relationship? Get out. And stick up for yourself. Please.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life "lying" to try and stay out of trouble I suggest you either learn how to stand up for yourself or get out while you can.

That just sounds like an awful way to live.


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## MyOne&Only (Aug 4, 2013)

From my experience, you can't force someone to change. Sometimes you have to change first in order to see change happen in your relationship. Granted it sounds like she has things she needs to work on. But like you said you are not perfect so therefore you have things you need to work on. This will only happen if you really want to change. The decision is yours. You can try to make things better or you can find a different solution. Hope things work out for you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She has only power that you give her. She was a controlling heifer before you married her and it's only going to get worse if you don't put a stop to it. Tell her she can be boss or she can be married, but only if you mean it and you're prepared to enforce it. You're better off living alone in the desert or in a box beside the interstate than sharing a roof with a controlling bat. Nobody promoted her to your boss. She didn't give birth to you. It's not her place to fix you, educate you, train you, or reprimand you. She's authorized to not like some things you do. You don't like some things she does. She's not losing any sleep worrying about what you like. Drop the passive-aggressive routines like videotaping property. Sit her down, tell her the way the land lays, that your marriage is going to look like two adults treating each other with respect or you'll knock out a reasonable property settlement with her and she can get a divorce and be boss of herself. The world won't even blink if one more hateful, pushy woman ends up alone.


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## Justme2 (Mar 21, 2013)

did anyone stop to think maybe shes insecure, or maybe she hates herself due to the way others have treated her in the past? Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Maybe she is a bad person and I am just wrong.. she sounds like she is insecure. Some jealous ladies take lies badly. If one lie is told, what else could one be lieing about? ( I know, sounds irrational, but that's how jealous women think) Sometimes, all they need is reassurance, sometimes understanding, honesty. To a jealous woman, lieing seems like the other person is hiding something. Honesty is the best policy.


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## Is It Just Me (Sep 8, 2012)

Justme2 said:


> did anyone stop to think maybe shes insecure, or maybe she hates herself due to the way others have treated her in the past? Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Maybe she is a bad person and I am just wrong.. she sounds like she is insecure. Some jealous ladies take lies badly. If one lie is told, what else could one be lieing about? ( I know, sounds irrational, but that's how jealous women think) Sometimes, all they need is reassurance, sometimes understanding, honesty. To a jealous woman, lieing seems like the other person is hiding something. Honesty is the best policy.




I feel this is taking the responsibility off of her to be a decent, kind, mature adult and loving spouse and giving her a free pass to be a wretched human being and partner.

If she's insecure and/or have personality/intimacy issues due to her pass, the onus is on her (NOT the OP) to fix herself. Her having issues does not give her the right to treat the OP like crap and for him to feel like a prisoner in his own home (the one place you should feel safe).


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## Justme2 (Mar 21, 2013)

Is It Just Me said:


> I feel this is taking the responsibility off of her to be a decent, kind, mature adult and loving spouse and giving her a free pass to be a wretched human being and partner.
> 
> If she's insecure and/or have personality/intimacy issues due to her pass, the onus is on her (NOT the OP) to fix herself. Her having issues does not give her the right to treat the OP like crap and for him to feel like a prisoner in his own home (the one place you should feel safe).


that's true, never thought of it from that perspective.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Oh boy! This is like dejavu for me.

For me the cumulative effects of the divorce threats, constant need for something or the other and the laser like intensity of these needs have crippled my faith. Since the first month of our 21month long marriage, she started talking about a divorce. This came up roughly every 6-8 weeks and often after I did or did not meet a need of hers. She then decided we should separate on two occasions. These were among the most peaceful moments of my last two years. 

The last time she threatened divorce, I had had enough. I just didn't care anymore. No more begging. No more promises that I'll be a good boy. No more groveling. I told her to go ahead anddo it. I was prepared for a divorce. She then changed her tune after I finally called her bluff.
She effectively told me to go and file for a divorce if I wanted one. Bizarre thing was that this was the same woman who had spent the last year threatening me with divorce but now that she has been told to go ahead with it - she backs down. My IC tells me this is a wicked form of control and manipulation as there are few things more fatal to a marriage than well, divorce. 

I lived in fear.I too would lie or obfuscate on details to avoid the dreaded 'D' word or an argument. The truth is though, these type of people are controllers and manipulaterswho see themselves as victims. The throw tantrums when they don't get their way. Since they can't/won't physically control you, they use emotional abuse.

Anyway I have now filed for divorce. I am getting the 'you're divorcing me=bad guy' stuff even though this is what she apparently always wanted but did not want to be the baddie.

I am sorry for what you're going through. I hope things get better. I honestly believe that such people as your wife have childhood stuff that remains unresolved. They have grown up learning to manipulate and control to get what they want -and it has served them well right from childhood. People around them will be crushed by their demands and gargantuan sized needs bucket. You will never be able to fill this, even if you turned into a saint - there will always be something else. The goal post will always be moved and you'll be judged by how well you meet her standards. 

Good luck pal


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Divorce her. You never should have married her in the first place. Then get into counseling and find out why you allowed someone to treat you like this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Justme2 said:


> did anyone stop to think maybe shes insecure, or maybe she hates herself due to the way others have treated her in the past? Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Maybe she is a bad person and I am just wrong.. she sounds like she is insecure. Some jealous ladies take lies badly. If one lie is told, what else could one be lieing about? ( I know, sounds irrational, but that's how jealous women think) Sometimes, all they need is reassurance, sometimes understanding, honesty. To a jealous woman, lieing seems like the other person is hiding something. Honesty is the best policy.


I'm sure every sociopath on the planet has a sad story and a bucket of excuses. Who gives a rat's behind why they are evil, hateful wastes of skin? By the time people reach adult-hood, they are what they are. Those who can't be partners should stay single. If they need someone to talk to they can pay a professional. If someone says "I do", I assume they have the ability to keep their promise. If they aren't responsible for their actions they need to be institutionalized. If they aren't wearing restraints, I feel safe to assume they are capable of controlling their behavior and accepting responsibility for their bad behavior.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm pretty sure she's not an evil person, just so insecure that she lets it turn her into a nagging, whiny, controlling spouse. Happens all the time. 

The question is, what is OP going to do about it?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

this was always a prime point of argument with us. she treated me like an employee or child or a servant she expected to be able to micro manage and push me around. it's not about YOU it's about them.


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