# She’s in love with a girl



## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

I’m really going through it right now. We,ve been married for 6 years and now this. I feel like I have no one to talk to. No one that understands.
Im dying on the inside. What’s a man to do


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Did you know she was bi, or do you think she's just realizing she's actually gay?

I can imagine it's knocked you off your wheels. So is she openly cheating on you now?


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

I always knew she was bi. Never had a problem with that. She’s in Love with this girl. She was with her for 3 months on deployment. Came back and pretended to that things were Normal. I found out she never intended to stay with me. 
She said she was done with me. Then she said she needed space. She said she would do counseling. Then she said she was gay and now she doesn’t want to do counseling. I asked her if she was going to divorce me. She said she is confused and isn’t sure. I asked when she was going to move out (she said she would move out). She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have a plan. We sleep in separate rooms. It hurts that she strung me along just to tell me that we are through. It hurts that she is right in front of me, and no longer wanting to be with me. She is so indifferent to me now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why are you putting up with this? YOU divorce HER. And she can go stay with her lover if she needs a place.


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance. I figure since she just got back from deployment, she’s just figuring some **** out.
Maybe I should quit. I just don’t want too


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Fernie said:


> I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance. I figure since she just got back from deployment, she’s just figuring some **** out.
> *Maybe I should quit. I just don’t want too*


At this point you are getting what you want. When you want the pain and suffering to end you can end it.


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

Dang.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

There are people who know exactly how you're feeling. I am one of them. My exH is gay. Ironically though, he wanted to stay married and I left him. And guess what? It's the very best thing I ever did. Because he didn't want to stay married and have a real husband/wife relationship with me...he wanted to continue our roommate relationship. We were friends and nothing more. Friends are fine...but that's not what a man is looking for from his wife. As someone who stayed for 14 years after I found out my ex was gay, let me assure you, you will come to regret staying. By the end of those 14 years I was dead inside and I was damaged in a way that's hard to quantify.

Right now you're wanting to hold onto things because you think they'll go back to the way they were...they won't, believe me. If your wife is gay, the more she explores that side of her the less and less she's going to want to be with you sexually.

Visit straightspouse.org for more information and support. They have a forum there that can be very helpful.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Fernie My first long term relationship girlfriend left me for another woman so I know a little of what you are going through.

See a lawyer. Although in theory there's no difference between a spouse/lover cheating on you with a member of the same or the opposite sex, there is because there's a psychological difference in how it impacts on you.

You could look at individual counselling.

Also if she is military make sure her command structure knows about the situation.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Fernie said:


> I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance. I figure since she just got back from deployment, she’s just figuring some **** out.
> Maybe I should quit. I just don’t want too


So I assume she is in the Military. Are you as well? Was the other women in service as well?


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

I was in the service a long time ago. I met my wife after. Her and her lover are in the service.


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

I know what telling her command does. I’m not out for blood. She already said she’s leaving and she doesn’t want anything from. Me. Nothing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Fernie said:


> I know what telling her command does. I’m not out for blood. She already said she’s leaving and she doesn’t want anything from. Me. Nothing.


Cheaters (which is what your wife is) can change their mind in an instant. They can say they want nothing from you and the next minute demand everything.

She cannot be trusted. At all. 

If you haven't seen a lawyer see one ASAP.

Because your wife is a cheater I am moving your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.

Good luck.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

Fernie said:


> I know what telling her command does. I’m not out for blood. She already said she’s leaving and she doesn’t want anything from. Me. Nothing.


Well it seems you already know what needs done. So it's best you except it and move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She is having an affair. It shouldn't matter if it's same sex or not. I really hope you are not giving her a pass because it's a women.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fernie said:


> I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance.


Why do you want to stay married to someone who has declared she's leaving you for someone else? Even if her new relationship doesn't work out and she comes back to you you'll always know you're the consolation prize and that she is capable of walking out the next time someone turns her head.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

T


Fernie said:


> I know what telling her command does. I’m not out for blood. She already said she’s leaving and she doesn’t want anything from. Me. Nothing.


Then tell her to leave already and file for divorce. 

Why would you think she would want to stay with you?

With the way she is acting, why the hell do you want to stay with her?

She is showing you that she doesn’t give a damn about you. Believe what you see.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fernie said:


> I always knew she was bi. Never had a problem with that. She’s in Love with this girl. She was with her for 3 months on deployment. Came back and pretended to that things were Normal. I found out she never intended to stay with me.
> She said she was done with me. Then she said she needed space. She said she would do counseling. Then she said she was gay and now she doesn’t want to do counseling. I asked her if she was going to divorce me. She said she is confused and isn’t sure. I asked when she was going to move out (she said she would move out). She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have a plan. We sleep in separate rooms. It hurts that she strung me along just to tell me that we are through. It hurts that she is right in front of me, and no longer wanting to be with me. She is so indifferent to me now.


She sounds pretty confused. But the problem is she's thinking she may be more into women than into men, and sometimes that's the problem with bi people because they may not want to give up either and just keep trying to get a situation that will allow them to do whatever. And that isn't a stable situation for you. Bottom line she is not ready to just be with one person obviously, so you should let her go and get on with your life.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Fernie said:


> I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance. I figure since she just got back from deployment, she’s just figuring some **** out.
> Maybe I should quit. I just don’t want too


Oh my heart. Listen I had these exact thoughts when I tried to reconcile, when I was told “I don’t know what I want, I’m confused.” I thought, I’ll work harder! I’ll help him figure it out! I will SAVE US!

Do you want a wife who is unsure whether she wants you? Do you want someone who has to “figure it out” inside another persons genitalia? Who in your best case scenario settles on, “yeah I guess you’re good enough.” What hoops do you think you’ll have to jump through to keep her interested and engaged with you in a year, 3 years, 5 years. That’s if she doesn’t end up leaving you. 

Do you have kids?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> She sounds pretty confused. But the problem is she's thinking she may be more into women than into men, and sometimes that's the problem with bi people because they may not want to give up either and just keep trying to get a situation that will allow them to do whatever. And that isn't a stable situation for you. Bottom line she is not ready to just be with one person obviously, so you should let her go and get on with your life.


Yeah, and now knowing she is a cheater, you have to forever worry about the WHOLE population not just one gender... yikes.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My old crowd was pretty gender bendy and I love that and still do but I was dating this guy for a couple of months and I also knew his roommate. one night I uncharacteristically swung by his house because someone was trying to follow me home from a gig. His house was basically on the way home. Normally I would never do that. So when they answered the door it was clear they had both been on the sleeper sofa in the living room together. I wasn't mad at all but it was just awkward. That guy I dated went on to marry a woman and has been married for years and the other one has been bi and single all this time and I'm still friends with him. No hard feelings but if that was my spouse....


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Fernie said:


> I want to stay married to her. Her indecision makes me think we still have a chance. I figure since she just got back from deployment, she’s just figuring some **** out.
> Maybe I should quit. I just don’t want too


She's probably "indecisive" because she isn't sure about her AP, and because you help provide her with a place to stay and help cover her living expenses, etc. You should assume you are being used while she tries to secure a future with the AP or some other woman, because, effectively speaking, you are. Yes, there's a possibility that she is confused, but so what? She isn't committing to reconciling, so why should you be there to support her while she decides who she wants to be with? Make her choose. If she doesn't choose you, get her out, evicted if necessary, as soon as possible. Time to go from a lowly little fern to a mighty oak and stand tall and strong and reclaim your self respect or find it if you never had it in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She’s not the least bit “confused.”
She knows exactly what she’s doing and knows what the score is.

The reason she is making excuses and sticking around is so she can extract resources and support out of you as long as she can. 

She is donut bumping with this other chick and getting her love and affection from her while you help pay bills, unclog the toilet, empty the dishwasher, change her flats and kill spiders. 

You are being chumped.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

OddOne said:


> She's probably "indecisive" because she isn't sure about her AP, and because you help provide her with a place to stay and help cover her living expenses, etc. You should assume you are being used while she tries to secure a future with the AP or some other woman, because, effectively speaking, you are. Yes, there's a possibility that she is confused, but so what? She isn't committing to reconciling, so why should you be there to support her while she decides who she wants to be with? Make her choose. If she doesn't choose you, get her out, evicted if necessary, as soon as possible. Time to go from a lowly little fern to a mighty oak and stand tall and strong and reclaim your self respect or find it if you never had it in the first place.


I refer you to Rush: _If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice_
Freewill - Rush - YouTube 

She doesn't need more time because she's not undecided. She's trying desperately to figure out how to maintain both relationships. THAT's her choice: both relationships. So, since her choice is not the one you want (fidelity to you), you need to react to that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I refer you to Rush: _If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice_
> Freewill - Rush - YouTube
> 
> She doesn't need more time because she's not undecided. She's trying desperately to figure out how to maintain both relationships. THAT's her choice: both relationships. So, since her choice is not the one you want (fidelity to you), you need to react to that.


Yes this above ^^^^^^

It’s a ploy to have her cake and eat it too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This works for her, but not for you.


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## Fernie (Dec 7, 2020)

Thank you everyone for all of your input. I asked for a divorce lastnight and I asked her to move out ASAP. She’s is insistent that she does not want anything from me. Hope that stays true.
Maybe someday she’ll come back, but for now, I’ll move on.
Still hurts tho.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Fernie lawyer up, now.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Fernie said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your input. I asked for a divorce lastnight and I asked her to move out ASAP. She’s is insistent that she does not want anything from me. Hope that stays true.
> Maybe someday she’ll come back, but for now, I’ll move on.
> Still hurts tho.


I know how much it hurts. I'm so sorry!!!! Get a lawyer now though...because "I don't want anything from you" quickly changes when her friends start to tell her all the "entitled" to because you married her. Please protect yourself!!!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Fernie said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your input. I asked for a divorce lastnight and I asked her to move out ASAP. She’s is insistent that she does not want anything from me. Hope that stays true.
> Maybe someday she’ll come back, but for now, I’ll move on.
> Still hurts tho.


Sorry you're going through this. but you had to make a stand or this was just going to keep happening. And it's a good chance she never will go back to men.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

She can change her mind in an instant and is within her rights. Get legal coverage , you have rights and she has responsibilities. Also as well as letting command know. We who served signed under a code and are to abide by that code regardless that it isn’t convenient. 
You don’t need her permission.
One day at a time. 
Buffer


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Fernie It doesn't really matter who is fallen in love with, male or female, she is a cheater.

Just because someone is bisexual doesn't mean they will cheat on their spouse, many (most?) don't.

It would be the same if she was in a lesbian relationship and cheated with a man.

Because the problem with your wife is not that she is bisexual, the problem with your wife is that she is a cheater.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Telling her you want a divorce and asking her when she is moving out is really crazy in my opinion. You are leaving everything up to her. You are trusting that she will not get ugly. Guess what? She already has.

Get an attorney and file for divorce and tell them everything. Hoping she wants nothing from you and trusting her is just as crazy as trusting her to be a faithful spouse. You need to protect yourself legally.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Fernie said:


> Thank you everyone for all of your input. I asked for a divorce lastnight and I asked her to move out ASAP. She’s is insistent that she does not want anything from me. Hope that stays true.
> Maybe someday she’ll come back, but for now, I’ll move on.
> Still hurts tho.


She’s gone and has been for a long time, now it’s time to look out for yourself.
Make it clear to her that if she doesn’t agree to your demands in the divorce that you will report her to her commanding officer.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Fernie how is it going?


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

OP hope you are well and I'm sorry for what you're going through. Have you talked to a lawyer about how to proceed? My XH was talking about not wanting anything initially, and we were able to be amicable eventually after a lot of time passed but it involved a lot of him wanting what he wanted and me being "difficult" by asking for anything at all. I would reiterate what others say - what she considers "nothing" can change very quickly indeed. Make sure you know your rights and what you are likely to get in a divorce.


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## Arkansas (Jan 30, 2020)

Fernie said:


> I always knew she was bi. Never had a problem with that. She’s in Love with this girl. She was with her for 3 months on deployment. Came back and pretended to that things were Normal. I found out she never intended to stay with me.
> She said she was done with me. Then she said she needed space. She said she would do counseling. Then she said she was gay and now she doesn’t want to do counseling. I asked her if she was going to divorce me. She said she is confused and isn’t sure. I asked when she was going to move out (she said she would move out). She doesn’t know. She doesn’t have a plan. We sleep in separate rooms. It hurts that she strung me along just to tell me that we are through. It hurts that she is right in front of me, and no longer wanting to be with me. She is so indifferent to me now.



You need to understand that you will never trust her again. Get a plan together RIGHT NOW that benefits you in a way that you can move on

With no more than you've given us, she broke your marriage, undermined it, destroyed it ... and she knew she was doing it. You were not important

its harsh reality - I'm sorry


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