# Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair



## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

This is my story. It may be a little messy and unorganized, but I wanted to share it. I’m still going through it, but things seem to be going well and I have learned a lot through the experience so far.

I am 25 years old, my wife and I got married almost 4 years ago and had been friends for about 2 years before getting married. About 3 months into our marriage we got pregnant, which wasn’t part of the plan. We are both Christians, which I think has been an important factor in our recovery.

D-Day was October 29th. I found out because a brother-in-law had heard through the grapevine that my wife was seen alone with a guy at an ice skating rink. When he told me this, I asked my wife about it later that night, expecting that there was some sort of misunderstanding or some explanation. What followed was like getting punched in the stomach.

She explained that the ice skating was suppose to be a group thing but when she got there it was just the guy, etc. The troubling part was that I could tell she wasn’t telling me everything. I began asking her more questions like “Should I be concerned about other guys?” when her response was silence and no eye-contact I felt myself beginning to get sick. After a few moments, I popped the big question “Are you sleeping with someone else?”, I felt stupid for even asking. Again, silence… I began grieving in an intense way that was more like shrieking the crying. After several minutes I began asking her more questions, I really wanted to know how long / how many times / with whom. At first she wouldn’t answer any of my questions, she sat there in almost complete, cold silence. Then she began telling me that she didn’t love me, in fact, she never did, and further that I never loved her; perhaps the worst part, she told me she loved the OM. I honestly can’t remember all the details of that night, but that was the general tone. I said several expletives, but never called her any names. I told her I needed space and left.

As soon as I went outside I began to worry she would hurt herself and didn’t feel good about leaving her like that. I decided to go back inside and tell her how I felt. When I went back inside, I told her that I was really hurt, but that I still loved her and wanted to make it work. I tried to give her a hug which sent her into a crying fit. She pushed me away telling me “Stop loving me!”. We sat mostly silent for a few moments and I told her again that I wanted to work it out, but I needed some space for the night. With that, I left.

I stayed with my parents that night and hardly slept at all. My parents also watched my son for the next two weeks while we started working on things. The next morning I went back home early to find that my wife wasn’t home. I wasn’t entirely surprised, she needed to be comforted, so she stayed with the only person that would comfort her, the OM. I called her, she didn’t answer, but called me back very quickly. I told her I wanted to talk and asked if she would come home, which she did. As I sat there waiting for her, I did a few household projects I had been meaning to do, I couldn’t take the stillness of doing nothing. I thought about what I would say when she got back, I had it planned.

I heard her car pull into the driveway and went outside to greet her. When I saw her, an overwhelming compassion for her came over me. Everything I had planned on saying, everything I had been feeling melted away and all I could do was embrace her. I felt like the father in the parable of the prodigal son (with some obvious differences). We went out for coffee and started discussing what had happened. Her attitude was a lot different than it had been the previous night, she was a lot more open about everything.

Now, its been a little over 5 weeks since I found out at the time of writing this. I don’t remember every detail of what happened and it seems like it been a lot longer. Every day has felt like a week. I will try to condense everything into the most important parts.

The first week was the hardest on me. I literally lost nearly 10 pounds and over an inch in my waistline in that first week. I spent every possible moment with her when I wasn’t at work and spent every waking moment thinking about everything and planning how I should feel and what I should do. We started by discussing what had happened and how she felt. She basically felt like she never loved me, married me out of infatuation, and was unhappy because of our marriage. She felt like I didn’t care about her and she felt like she wasn’t attracted to me. She wanted adventure and to do something great with her life. Notice I say felt, because these feelings would soon start changing and she would realize that her feelings were clouded.

The affair itself lasted for a couple months. She had dated the OM briefly before dating me and they had remained in occasional contact throughout our marriage. They were only “together” twice, but had been spending lots of time together in their mutually shared activities. From what I understand, they went on a couple of dates during that time span. My wife didn’t really work a job though she did have several sources of side work. Most week nights she would either be taking/teaching dance classes, gymnastics, or doing an activity like rock climbing. I work full-time, take some side jobs, and go to school full-time (I was taking 18hrs). This was obviously not an ideal scenario. The OM would see her regularly at some of these activities, which I did not know at the time, and eventually during the day while I was at work.

In the first two weeks of our recovery, we started seeing a marriage counselor and she voluntarily saw an individual counselor. We didn’t tell any of her family and only one couple of our close friends. Also, her sister was getting married the week after I found out, so we were trying to keep it quiet for her family’s sake. We spent lots of time together over this time and she made vague commitments to “try” to make our marriage work and not to contact the OM. She did contact the OM and even saw him in person once or twice and somewhat tried to hide this from me. Things came to a head one day at lunch when she told me she needed separation. This really upset me because we had agreed to stay together and work it out. I told her if she needed space I would give it to her, but we were going to talk to her parents first. Which we did, right then. Talking to her parents helped. She decided that she was going to stay in the marriage, though she didn’t really want to, or want me.

The next day, when she got home from work, the OM was waiting at my house for her. I found out because I saw she was sitting at a park close to my house (through GPS tracking) for a long time. I called her and she didn’t answer. When she called back, I played it cool, and she didn’t say anything. I asked her directly “So you were at the park by yourself?” She broke down, started crying saying she didn’t know what to do, etc. I told her I was very angry and when I got home I was the most angry with her that I was in the whole process. I told her I couldn’t believe she lied to me again, a day after making the decision to stay with me. I felt stupid for trusting her and felt like I should kick her out. But, I put the ball in her court, I told her to make a decision, “Me forever, or not”. She cried and told me she wanted another chance. I decided to give her another chance, though I knew it was illogical and foolish (but that’s love, right?). She asked me if I wanted her to call the OM and breakup with him right then, and I told her to do so if she felt it. She called and prefaced the conversation by saying "My name is here…” which of course made the rest of what she said useless. I may have also lost my temper and grabbed the phone and threatened the OM on the condition of him coming to my house again.

The next day she called me while I was at work to ask if she could call the OM and explain what was going on. I obliged, because in reality I didn’t have a choice. It is much better to come off confident than to try to control, especially because controlling doesn’t actually work. I don’t know exactly what was said, but it was a long conversation, 80 minutes. According to my wife, she basically told the OM how she felt (which I’m sure included that she still loved him) and that she had made a decision to work on our marriage. Later than day, I got a text message from the OM telling me we needed to meet. I obliged, because, again, I didn’t really have a choice. This guy knows where I live, so if he wanted to hurt me, he could do so. He also told me that he wanted my wife to be there. I let her decide if she wanted to come or not; she decided to come.

We met outside a Starbucks. I got there first, picked a table outside, and arranged the seating so that my wife would have to sit next to me and the OM would have to sit on the other side of the table. I also had my friend come and watch the conversation from his car (because I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen). I went straight from work, so my wife had to meet us there. The OM showed up, and a little later my wife showed up. The OM told me he “didn’t want to fight me” and that “trying anything would be stupid”. He waited to really get into the discussion until my wife showed up. Once she did, he started with a good 5+ min prepared, written speech on our marriage and relationship. When he was done, I said “You’ve just read us a very carefully crafted lie. Like any good lie, there is some truth in what you said, but it is still a lie.” We then preceded to talk about some of the things he had brought up. My attitude throughout the discussion was mostly to force my wife to make the decisions. I told her several times that I wasn’t holding her to our marriage and that she could leave if she wanted. I could talk a lot about this meeting because it was really upsetting, but the important part is that my wife left with me.

After that, things settled down a bit. If I remember correctly, for the next week she didn’t see or talk to the OM. They were still friends on Facebook and Instagram, but from what I could tell from spying and directly asking, she didn’t directly contact him at all. She even ignored several text messages from him. At the end of that week we had a trip to Miami planned for a small gig she had. We made it into a small vacation and genuinely had a good time together. At one point during our drive to Miami, she mentioned separation again. She said she felt like she needed separation to figure out what she wanted, find herself, etc. I told her I didn’t want her to feel that way anymore and didn’t want to have to talk about it again. I told her if she was determined to work on our marriage then that wasn’t appropriate. Separation allows individuals to work on themselves individually and we needed to work on ourselves in the context of being together. I told her as we went through this process that everything in our lives was flexible, everything could change except for our belief in God, our commitment to our child, and our commitment to each other. This seemed to go over decently, and she verbally agreed with me.

We got back late Saturday night from the trip and everything was going well. However, the next morning things hit another low. When we woke up, we were just laying in bed together and started talking about everything. She ended up telling me again that she felt like she needed separation. At this point, I had no choice, I simply told her “Okay”. This seemed to shock her. Over the next couple of hours we talked a little more about it and I basically told her that I believed the old adage “If you love something set it free…” I felt like it was time for me to let her go because I loved her. This was said amidst tears and long pauses, but that was the general message. I also told her that part of me letting go was moving on with my life, that when I let go of her I was also letting go of my commitment to her, letting go of that “marital” love that was keeping me going in this fight for her. We decided to go to church together that morning and postpone a final decision until we talked about it just a little more. Once at church, we both broke down, crying separately in different parts of the church. We didn’t talk to each other, didn’t sit next to each other, no contact. Incidentally, the message that morning was about the bond of a marriage covenant and its importance to God.

She had a photoshoot that afternoon and told me we would talk after she got back. So, I went to my brother-in-laws house and waited. Around 6pm her sister showed up at the house too, her sister was the photographer, so obviously the photoshoot was over (this sister also knew about the affair because my wife had told her). Her sister told me that my wife had gone to Starbucks to talk to her mom and that my wife was going to call one of us to come pick her up after she was done talking. Two hours past and no call from my wife. Her sister called, no answer. I texted and called, no answer. At this point I began to get both suspicious and worried. Her sister called Starbucks to see if she was still there and she wasn’t. So, being that she was in downtown and had no transportation, she either decided to walk home, or met the OM. I, being stupid, thought she tried to walk home and started driving through downtown to find her. I couldn’t find her so I went home to make sure she wasn’t there. Of course she wasn’t. I checked her phone records and discovered several calls to the OM from that night. At this point, I was furious, I let her parents know what had happened and that I fully planned on kicking her out, if she came home (which they agreed with). Hours passed as I waited for her to get home, both worried about her (as I wasn’t 100% sure she was with him) and furious (because I was pretty sure she was). It was actually kind of hilarious, sitting there, waiting to see her so I could kick her out.

She came home at around 11:30pm and seemed somber and sincere. She told me she was sorry for not coming home and told me she was sorry for everything. She told me she knew she didn’t deserve my love or another chance, but that was what she wanted. She told me she had taken that evening to just sort herself out (a little). She didn’t want to come home until she felt good about her decision to stay with me and felt like it was what she wanted. She told me she loved me and was going to do whatever it took to make our marriage work and earn my love. So, despite my anger, lack of trust, and obvious illogical nature of the evening, I accepted her back. There were some obvious flaws in her story, I know she spent a good bit of that night with the OM, but her attitude seemed genuinely different. I think that when I “let her go” she realized what she was losing, and didn’t want that. She had the opportunity to leave with the OM that night, and I’m sure he tried to convince her, but she chose to stay because that’s what she really wanted.

After that night, things were notably better. She still had moments of sadness, and things were/are still uncomfortable; but, the foundation, our commitment to each other seemed/seems strong.

Thanksgiving morning she received a text from the OM, sadly she deleted it and didn’t mention it to me. I confronted her and she gave me some lame reason, but I told her I was really upset about it. She said she was really sorry and blocked the OM from her phone, and her social media pages. The rest of Thanksgiving was really awkward, but also pretty fun.

The day after Thanksgiving we went to a rock climbing gym and I was pretty sure the OM was going to be there, he was. She stayed really close to me, hung on me, kissed me, and generally made a point to “be mine”. She told me how much she appreciated me going and really liked doing stuff like that with me.

This week (the next week) on Tuesday the OM called her from an unblocked line and they talked for about an hour. She told me about it on her own (though she knows I check the phone records) and said it was basically the same conversation they had before. He was checking in to see if she had changed her mind and told her that he still loved her etc. I told her that I was really upset she talked to him that long. We talked for a while and she gave me some self-pity type comments. It ended with her realizing she was being ungrateful for what she had and self-centered. Things were tense after that, but I think it was a healthy conversation. I’m sure the OM will call again, and we’ll see how she handles it.

That is pretty much it, we’re up-to-date now. Things are still really hard, but seem to be going in the right direction. I believe her when she says she is committed to me and tells me she loves me. I think she is beginning to understand what love is and figure herself out. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this process as well. I felt so helpless and powerless when I found out, but now I feel like I will be happy regardless of the outcome (though I really want to make it work).

I’ll be posting more and updating my story as it continues, perhaps I’ll even go through and clean it up a little. My hope is that this can provide someone with hope that is going through a similar situation. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I really feel like things are going to work out.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Dude.... I am a Christian too and your story kind of makes me sick. If this story is real, you are a doormat, she is a cake eating wh0re. She got banged by OM a hell of a lot more than 2x. You are doing everything wrong but at least your happy about it. I don't think I am going to give you any advice because you are a happy plan B. Even if you don't want to be a cuckold, your actions and lack of actions make you one.

Your wife has walked all over you with no repercussions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Your thread title talks about a hopeful chance of success. Not sure where you're getting that idea from but you couldn't be more wrong.

The OM met with you and read you an entire speech about how messed up your marriage is?

And you had no choice but to meet him and listen to it and partially agree to some of it?

And you have no choice but to make ultimatums to your wife while alternately begging her to return to you?

I think not. 

I think you need to read about how to do what is called "the 180" which basically means, stop asking her to choose between you and someone else and stop calling her family to complain about her and stop issuing worthless ultimatums and stop expecting her to suddenly realize the error of her ways and come running back into your arms after ditching the OM forever, because based on what you have written here, and based on how you've handled the situation to date, it isn't going to happen.

Even if she does drop the affair, your actions have not earned you any respect, and if she doesn't respect you, if she has no consequences for her actions, she'll never really come back. Which of course means, she'll probably do it again. With this guy or someone else.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy cuckold.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Promisekeeper,

I literally don't know where to start. I'm not trying to be harsh to you, but you have made practically every mistake in the book in handling this situation. So many, that I'd have to take several pages to list them all.

I'll let other posters do that. I'll just bottom line it for you. You are being her doormat. She's lost all respect for you because you allowed it. You are hyper-beta. In fact, one of the worst cases I've seen in a long time. You need counseling to find out why this is.

I hope your R is successful. But if it is, it will be against very, very long odds.


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## Yankee99 (Nov 4, 2013)

Seriously, dude. Wake the F up.

I dont know what else to say. 

She hasnt stopped contact with om, that should tell you all you need to know. Advice here may seem harsh, but the people here know what they are talking about.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Later than day, I got a text message from the OM telling me we needed to meet. I obliged, because, again, I didn’t really have a choice. This guy knows where I live, so if he wanted to hurt me, he could do so.


Or, YOU could hurt HIM. Or, consider the fact that there are laws against people hurting each other and maybe he doesn't want to go to jail? Besides, where's the logic in this? He screws your wife, then he wants to talk to you about it. You ignore him, and his response is going to be to show up at your house and hurt you? Baffles the mind. Rather than being mad at the guy you are afraid of him. It's a rather unusual response. One that will not earn the respect of your wife. Women want strong guys, not fearful ones.



PromiseKeeper said:


> The OM showed up, and a little later my wife showed up. The OM told me he “didn’t want to fight me” and that “trying anything would be stupid”. He waited to really get into the discussion until my wife showed up. Once she did, he started with a good 5+ min prepared, written speech on our marriage and relationship. When he was done, I said “You’ve just read us a very carefully crafted lie. Like any good lie, there isn preceded to talk about some of the things he had brought up.


So the OM reads you a speech about how messed up your marriage is, which is of course his attempt to justify him and your wife having an affair, and you then enter into a debate with him about the issues he brought up in your marriage?

Do you really think there's anything productive about having these sorts of discussions with a man who is screwing your wife? If so, please enlighten me. I'd really like to hear it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Sorry but it's time to re-attach the balls and stand up for yourself. Nobody is worth that. Well, right now she's not. Maybe in 5 years she'll mature and be wife material but right now she's no where close to being a wife to anyone.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Divorce her...you can always reconcile later.

She STILL wants the POSOM in her life.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

Wow, I appreciate all the candid and blunt replies. You must understand that I'm not blind to the criticisms of my actions here. 

I am simply choosing to trust her again because I believe that the person I married is still in there, a person that wants to do what is right.

I think perhaps my biggest concern of things mentioned so far is that she may no longer respect me. That is something that will take time to discover.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Your name isnt Mat is it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You call this a sucess story? I think its an epic fail story. If this thread is legit, you will be here shortly staging well you were right, shes still having an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Wow, I appreciate all the candid and blunt replies. You must understand that I'm not blind to the criticisms of my actions here.
> 
> I am simply choosing to trust her again because I believe that the person I married is still in there, a person that wants to do what is right.
> 
> I think perhaps my biggest concern of things mentioned so far is that she may no longer respect me. That is something that will take time to discover.


Why would she respect you? You dont even respect yourself. I hate to be so mean, but you will not nice her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Your thread title talks about a hopeful chance of success. Not sure where you're getting that idea from but you couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> The OM met with you and read you an entire speech about how messed up your marriage is?
> 
> ...


I get where you are coming from and I did read about "the 180" and thought about following that advice. I however thought it was more appropriate to strike a balance between being strict and being there for her.

I know I've given her three or four "second chances" now, but the only reason that I haven't done "the 180" is because each time she came back more committed than the last. 

I know it seems foolish, and maybe is foolish, but I don't think I could have lived with myself if I had kicked her out when she came back apologetic. 

As far as respecting me, I am concerned about that. Obviously, popular opinion on this forum seems to disagree, but I think what I have done so far is respectful, and I am hoping she sees it that way too.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I think perhaps my biggest concern of things mentioned so far is that she *may* no longer respect me. That is something that will take time to discover.


May no longer respect you? PK, she couldn't possibly. 

Do you want to get that respect back? If so, you have to be willing to risk loosing your marriage to have a shot at that; and to increase your chances of avoiding a false R; to avoid her not cheating again.

I'm not sure you want to know the nuts and bolts of it. But if you do, let us know.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> As far as respecting me, I am concerned about that. Obviously, popular opinion on this forum seems to disagree


You have good reason to be.



PromiseKeeper said:


> but I think what I have done so far is respectful, and I am hoping she sees it that way too.


Hope is all you have. 

You are handling this situation very poorly and you have chosen to disregard any advice that contradicts what you believe is the right way to handle this.

That's rather typical, and it's also very sad.

Best of luck, you are surely going to need it.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

is this real?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you done ANY reading around this site? Because you need to. You really really do. You have laid yourself down on the floor and asked your wife to scrape her boots off on you. It's unbelievable. I have started writing a post a few times and have had to stop because I literally do not know what to say to you. It's breathtaking how you've become a doormat. Allowing your wife to continue to screw another man is going to garner her respect???

The simple fact that you say you couldn't live with yourself if you kicked her out shows how deep into the abyss of beta-ism you have fallen.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

badmemory said:


> Promisekeeper,
> 
> I literally don't know where to start. I'm not trying to be harsh to you, but you have made practically every mistake in the book in handling this situation. So many, that I'd have to take several pages to list them all.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the honesty. I do feel stupid for giving her so many chances, but it seemed like the right thing to do for my situation. I am being a doormat to an extent, you're right; but I will only take so much. I've told her that if she sees him or calls him again that I will be done. The day that I told her I was letting her go, I had gotten to that point. It was only because she came back with a different attitude that we are still together.

Not sure what a hyper-beta is honestly.

I hope our relationship is successful too, I think any relationship going through an affair has very, very long odds. I think my actions so far have been the right ones for my situation. At the minimum, they are the ones I can live with.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you done ANY reading around this site? Because you need to. You really really do. You have laid yourself down on the floor and asked your wife to scrape her boots off on you. It's unbelievable. I have started writing a post a few times and have had to stop because I literally do not know what to say to you. It's breathtaking how you've become a doormat. Allowing your wife to continue to screw another man is going to garner her respect???
> 
> The simple fact that you say you couldn't live with yourself if you kicked her out shows how deep into the abyss of beta-ism you have fallen.


She isn't still screwing the OM, I am sure of that because I track her with a GPS. She also calls/texts frequently to check in with me.

Further, I didn't mean I couldn't live with myself if I kicked her out. I meant that I couldn't live with myself if I did that before I felt it was the right time. I didn't and don't think that kicked her out when she was apologetic was appropriate.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I really hope you keep posting, because I guarantee that one of two things will happen. Either she will go underground and just keep it up, which you will discover at some point and then give her yet ANOTHER chance, or she will flaunt it like she has been and you'll roll over again and give her yet ANOTHER chance.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> She isn't still screwing the OM, I am sure of that because I track her with a GPS. She also calls/texts frequently to check in with me.


He could be coming over to the house when you're at work. She's checking in on you to make sure you're not about to show up at the house unexpectedly. He's done it before, and obviously he's got something you are lacking at the moment which makes it even more likely he'd screw your wife in your bed without so much as a second thought. My guess is if you walked in on them, he'd say "go wait in the kitchen, we'll discuss this when we're finished". I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you to go grab him a beer while you're at it.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

This is a true story and I do appreciate the feedback. It is hard for me to hear a bunch of people who are very educated on the subject telling me I've handled this poorly, but I am open to criticism and hope to learn from what people have to say. 

I'm not going to say that I'm going to change my actions, but I am listening and evaluating what is being said.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Not sure what a hyper-beta is honestly.
> 
> *Beta Male:*
> An unremarkable, careful man who avoids risk and confrontation. Beta males lack the physical presence, charisma and confidence of the Alpha male.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

lenzi said:


> He could be coming over to the house when you're at work. He's done it before, and obviously he's got something you are lacking at the moment which makes it even more likely he'd screw your wife in your bed.
> 
> It would also explain why she is checking in with you so much.


He could be, you are right. I don't think he is because we frequently have surprise visits from family and we have close friends that live with viewing distance of my house that would alert me if he was there.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

PK, I think you're too close to your own situation to see clearly. You need to be 50,000 feet up in the air so that you can get a better overall picture. Easier said than done, I know.

Back yourself off. Try to detach. You must try. You either pay a small price now, and if you dont detach, you will pay a much higher price later.

You're 25, for goodness sake. Stop ruining your future now. An unfaithful wife is one of the cruelest burden you're choosing to carry for yourself. 

What/Who are you doing it for?

No woman respects a man who cant respect himself.


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## How am I Going to Surviv (Sep 12, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I know I've given her three or four "second chances" now, but the only reason that I haven't done "the 180" is because each time she came back more committed than the last.



And she'll keep coming back for the next (insert large number here) times you catch her banging this dude, more committed and apologetic each time; because that strategy is working for her. It's not a conscious strategy, by the way. She can't just pray or commit or apologize her way out of this behavior. It's hard wired. It's just like an addiction.

Read some more of the threads on here. If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting: which is your wife getting it elsewhere. 

You need to stop being nice. You need to throw a grenade in this circus.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Thound said:


> Your name isnt Mat is it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's Esco Rosie1 Jr.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So HAVE you done any reading around here? Like, this thread?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

aug said:


> PK, I think you're too close to your own situation to see clearly. You need to be 50,000 feet up in the air so that you can get a better overall picture. Easier said than done, I know.
> 
> Back yourself off. Try to detach. You must try. You either pay a small price now, and if you dont detach, you will pay a much higher price later.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm doing it for myself and for my child. I did detach very briefly the day I told her I was letting her go. I don't feel like I don't respect myself...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Well, I'm doing it for myself and for my child. I did detach very briefly the day I told her I was letting her go. *I don't feel like I don't respect myself...*



Of course not. You're too close to yourself and have too much emotions to see it.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So HAVE you done any reading around here? Like, this thread?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


I haven't read that particular article, but I will.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

aug said:


> Of course not. You're too close to yourself and have too much emotions to see it.


But, what does that even mean? I know I could divorce my wife and find another woman that would love more than my wife does right now. I know the problem isn't me, even though there are obviously things I can improve on.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Well, I'm doing it for myself and for my child. I did detach very briefly the day I told her I was letting her go. I don't feel like I don't respect myself...


If you want to do something for your child, show them that your wife's actions aren't tolerated in a healthy normal relationship and people shouldn't allow others to treat them like they're nothing more than a piece of meat.

Better yet, don't excuse your weak and pathetic actions by playing the martyr and saying you're doing it for the good of your child.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

lenzi said:


> If you want to do something for your child, show them that your wife's actions aren't tolerated in a healthy normal relationship and people shouldn't allow others to treat them like they're nothing more than a piece of meat.
> 
> Better yet, don't excuse your weak and pathetic actions by playing the martyr and saying you're doing it for the good of your child.


I appreciate the candor, but I hardly think what I've done is weak and pathetic, it would be far easier to say it's over.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Here's another link for you - it's my story. About how I kicked my cheating husband out, and how we're doing today.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/32264-hello.html#post434954

Why in the name of all that's holy do you think that being NICE to your wife will save your marriage? Were you an a$$hole before she cheated?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I appreciate the candor, but I hardly think what I've done is weak and pathetic, it would be far easier to say it's over.


It IS over. Your wife screwed around. She ended your marriage. What you had is GONE. Kaput. Dead. ENDED FOREVER. You have to start over with her if you really hope to stay with her.

I can't believe you aren't MAD about that?!?!?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I appreciate the candor, but I hardly think what I've done is weak and pathetic, it would be far easier to say it's over.


It's a lot tougher to walk away then it is to sit there and take it on the chin because you're afraid to lose your spouse and the life that you know in exchange for starting over with the unknown.


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## How am I Going to Surviv (Sep 12, 2013)

If you want to do something for your child, be strong and refuse to put up with this crap!

If you want to do something for you, be strong and refuse to put up with this crap!

If you want to do something for your wife, be strong and refuse to put up with this crap!

If you want to have any hope for your marriage, be strong and refuse to put up with this crap!

See the common theme, here? 

Tell your wife that you love her beyond words; that her happiness is your sincerest desire. She's found what makes her happy. Tell her to not let the door hit her in the @ss on the way out to be with her happiness.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

lenzi said:


> Your thread title talks about a hopeful chance of success. Not sure where you're getting that idea from but you couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> The OM met with you and read you an entire speech about how messed up your marriage is?
> 
> ...


:iagree: Bingo!!! We have a winner. 


OP, next time you're at Starbucks stop and smell the coffee. Please.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

I probably won't be posting over the weekend, but as I've said, I do appreciate the responses and will read over the articles linked. 

I've briefly read over the newbies article and can say that we are somewhere between reconciliation and rug sweeping.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

PromiseKeeper said:


> But, what does that even mean? I know I could divorce my wife and find another woman that would love more than my wife does right now. I know the problem isn't me, even though there are obviously things I can improve on.



Look at the type of woman you're trying to hang on. 
- She's a mother of a young toddler.
- She's in a new marriage but she's already has another man.
- Where's her dedication to her marriage, her child, her family?
- Trust. How do you know the child is yours?

You have decades of life ahead of you. Spending those years with someone you cant trust from the very beginning seems to me to be self-punishing.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> But, what does that even mean? I know I could divorce my wife and find another woman that would love more than my wife does right now. I know the problem isn't me, even though there are obviously things I can improve on.


PK,

You don't have to divorce your wife to save your marriage. You just have to be willing to do it - if she doesn't:

- Stop all contact with OM immediately and remove the opportunity for future contact

- Send him a no contact letter that you approve first

- Accept that you expose her to your family, her family, and if applicable, the OM's wife or significant other

- Become completely transparent with all her communication devices. No hidden passwords, your complete access at any time

- Account for all her time away from you

- End any communication or close relationships with male friends

- Demonstrate by her actions, that she is remorseful and contrite - ongoing

- Become completely truthful about the details of her A and is willing to discuss the A with you at any time

That's how you start to get your [email protected] back.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Wow, I appreciate all the candid and blunt replies. You must understand that I'm not blind to the criticisms of my actions here.
> 
> I am simply choosing to trust her again because I* believe that the person I married is still in there,* a person that wants to do what is right.
> 
> I think perhaps my biggest concern of things mentioned so far is that she may no longer respect me. That is something that will take time to discover.



Yeah, she's still there, but the person you married is not the person you thought she was - you at least have to admit that right?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

promeiskeeper hang in there.
I know a lot of what you are reading here is tough but a lot of it is true.
look after youself a little and keep reading


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I probably won't be posting over the weekend, but as I've said, I do appreciate the responses and will read over the articles linked.
> 
> I've briefly read over the newbies article and can say that we are somewhere between reconciliation and rug sweeping.


Actually, you're pretty much rug sweeping.


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## How am I Going to Surviv (Sep 12, 2013)

Hang in there PK. We're on your side. We all want the best possible outcome for you and your kid. (please note that your wife does not at this time share in this sentiment) 

No-one on here expects you to be good at this. There is nowhere to learn it before hand. We do hope you read and assimilate the stories and advice here. 

I haven't seen "Married Man Sex Life Primer" (it has nothing to do with sex BTW) or "No More Mr Nice Guy" suggested yet. You need to read both of those. 

You have found yourself taking a final exam, you're late to class, and there is no partial credit for well-intentioned effort. Read everything you can. Learn fast. Find your outrage. Man-up. 

Sadly, based on what I've read here, I predict that this is going to be hard, perhaps the hardest thing you've ever done.

Remember: Even when we're yelling at you or beating you up, we're on your side.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

badmemory said:


> May no longer respect you? PK, she couldn't possibly.
> 
> Do you want to get that respect back? If so, you have to be willing to risk loosing your marriage to have a shot at that; and to increase your chances of avoiding a false R; to avoid her not cheating again.
> 
> I'm not sure you want to know the nuts and bolts of it. But if you do, let us know.


I'm not really disagreeing with anyone that has posted so far. I do take a different slant on the respect question, which is that no man should worry whether they have the respect of a sl*t wife. They should only worry about child custody and otehr key details of an impending divorce.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

PromiseKeeper... I might be one of the few who view your situation a little differently as it seems to so closely resemble my story in many ways.

Getting caught, recommitting to the marriage, then she struggles to avoid the OM and reconnects with him until she is caught again, then the cycle repeated. It's a horrible roller coaster I know, and your wife is in the fog so she can't completely see it all either.

A few thoughts I'll share. Remember that for her, she felt/feels that her love for him is genuine, and was able to "rewrite history" regarding her feelings for you because her feelings for you weren't as exciting, fresh or fun as they were for him at this time. Nonetheless, while she may have made a logical, well thought out decision to commit to the marriage, there are and will continue to be moments where every fiber of her being is screaming to go find the OM. It's not unlike a drug, which provides very real, very physical rushes, because every time she was with him or anxious to see him or saw his name pop up on her phone, she would feel that rush of excitement as the endorphins flowed freely. Now that is all gone and in it's place she now mostly feels shame, guilt, humiliation, etc. I'm sure there are moments where she cries quietly alone or at least longs to see him again, and might still actually do so in a weak moment.

It is extremely painful to know and watch your wife feel that way, knowing that she is longing for another man. I know for me it was somewhat gut wrenching to be laying in bed at night and hear her in the next room over crying silently because she missed the OM, and while I had every right to be angry about that, I really couldn't blame her for it either. She was suffering by her actions alone and that was one of the consequences. In addition to the emotion, she sort of trained herself to seek him. Think about it, for months anytime she wanted to get that emotional high, all she had to do was go text, call or visit him. It became a habit, and one that is especially hard to break. If you can bear it, you might even let her know that you understand that she is probably struggling with this.

Next, she absolutely does need to be held responsible for her actions, she does need to continue therapy, she needs to have NC with the OM, she needs to heal herself as well. There really can't be any "oopsies" any more. I don't agree with many here that you are incapable of holding onto her respect by having given her as many chances as you have, but only if you are firm with your expectations with her and show her that you won't accept this behavior again. I think you did show her that you were willing to let her go, and ready to do so, but at this point I think you have probably exhausted that "Second Chance Tree." 

I appreciate you sharing your story and hope you will continue.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PromiseKeeper said:


> we are somewhere between reconciliation and rug sweeping.


On what planet?!?! Wow. I want some of what you're smokin.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Wow,

She goes off to have one 'final' bout of hot sex with POS and then comes home to you (pathetically waiting for hours) and says a few loving words and its all good?

But, in fact she has STILL been contacting (and probably seeing) him since and you still have not taken any action to end this crap.

Its a very strong possibility that that 'final' night was more than banging...it may very well have been a planning session. 

She may very well have been setting up a plan with POS to get her ducks in a row for finally dumping your a** to be with him, and right now she is doing just enough to keep you satisfied until she and he are well prepared.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Would she be this nice to you if you had the affair?

File for divorce and tell her since she will not keep her vows, you will start dating as well.

Tell her to not let the door hit her on the way out.

Drive her over to the OM and tell her not to come back.


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## Dimepiece (Oct 28, 2013)

You're the biggest doormat I've seen. Let me guess if she went and saw the OM again, you will give her another chance after she says she sorry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I am 25 years old,


Actually, as soon as I read this part, its all I needed.

The fact she cheated, and the fact you are ONLY 25, to me says get the hell out while you are young!!!!

You are too young to have to spend the rest of your life wondering if your wife will ever cheat on you again, or relive the pain of being cheated on by her.

Get rid of her and live a little. Date around, settle down when you find someone mature enough to be married.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> About 3 months into our marriage we got pregnant, which wasn’t part of the plan. We are both Christians, which I think has been an important factor in our recovery.
> 
> She had dated the OM briefly before dating me and they had remained in occasional contact throughout our marriage. They were only “together” twice.


Sad to point out the obvious truth. The OM has never stopped doing your WW. This is why your WW got pregnant without you planning on it.

DNA test your child.

Then polygraph your WW.

You will never get the truth without doing those two things.

If you want to save your marriage then get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.

Everything from letting the OM control the meeting an debate you why he should get your WW is unbelievable.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

theroad said:


> Then polygraph your WW.


She's not going to sit for a polygraph. Or permit him to DNA test the child. She has no reason to do anything he requests. 

Besides polygraphs aren't all that reliable anyway although they can be a good way to coerce a confession when used as a threat.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Hello PK,

Sorry you are here. I know you are getting clobbered by some of the people here who seem to have forgotten the pain a BS goes through. Try to stick it out here, you will get good advice.

The first order of business, since you would like to stay married to your WW, is to ensure that the affair is dead. The best way to kill an affair is exposure. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Tell your friends and family. The embarrassment of the affair is usually enough to get a WS to stop. Realize she is in the "affair fog" right now. She is chemically addicted to OM, like a drug. It's not love, it's infatuation. Once she ceases contact with OM for several weeks, the affair fog will lift and she will begin to come to her senses. 

Once the affair is dead, it is important that your WW do the heavy lifting to revive your dead marriage. She must write a no-contact letter to OM, which you will read and mail. She must never contact him again. Ever.

She needs to show true remorse, which includes being completely transparent...no passcodes on phones, no deleted texts/emails, checking in, etc. She needs to work hard to re-establish the broken trust.

Next it's marriage counseling for both of you, and IC for you two as well.

So, in a nutshell:

1.) Kill the affair by exposing it.
2.) No-contact letter to OM.
3.) Complete transparency.
4.) MC and IC

And I will end on this. Your cheating wife needs to get STD tested, as do you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Lordy, I do hope this is one of 'those' threads.

If not, then......

Have mercy!! Grow some balls.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> ...


"My wife" he says.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Reconciling with your wife, the mother of your child, yes, I can see that. Good idea.

But! The OM needs to be outed as what he is. CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

You ever stop to think that if you put a GPS in her car or phone is going to help you? 

Dude, the woman is a half dozen steps ahead of you. She parks her car and gets in his car so yeah you know where her car is but do you know where your wife is?

Your wife already has you pegged as a patsy and to make matters worse so does the guy screwing her and he shows no fear, know why? He meets you face to face and insults you in front of your wife by telling you about how screwed up your marriage is. He would have done that to 99.9% of the guys in this world, he would be eating that paper he wrote the speech on and he would have been picking pieces of the table and chairs out of his body and the guy would have realized right then and there that he made a very serious "Faux Pas" but you stood there and let this guy run you in to the ground with your wife watching all this unfold and now you wonder why she's seeing and screwing this man. 

You better get some balls real quick and start taking charge friend because your way is the reason why she's like she is and will always be. Your bringing this mess on yourself and you can't see it.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

OP, You wrote that you are both Christians and said "I think has been an important factor in our recovery." How has this been an important factor? Have you asked for and received divine guidance in how to handle your difficult situation?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> each time she came back more committed than the last.





> I know I've given her three or four "second chances"


You see the contradiction right? 


"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results." I'd put Albert Einstein, apparently no one really knows who coined the phrase.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I still think that 'last' night, when she disappeared for hours after supposedly talking to her mother over coffee was a planning session for her and POS to work out her departure.

I'd bet they are preparing the groundwork to totally take OP to the cleaners in the split.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I am going to. 

I can't count how many things you did wrong. 

So instead, I'll tell you some of the things I did. You can see how the results I got differ from what you got. 

First off, my wife told my about the affair. I left the house like you did. 
But I overdosed on oral steroids, and told her we were divorcing. Granted the affair itself was over, but she was devastated. And she wasn't going back to the OM, she was terrified about what was happening to the marriage. Because I told her, we were divorcing. 

When I went back home, I wanted to divorce. She acted like a wife, but she wasn't my wife. Cooking for me, when I wouldn't eat. Wanting to sleep with me, when I would refuse. It drove her mad. 

The only time I met/saw the OM, ended with me spending the first part of the day in the hospital, and the rest of the day in jail. He didn't contact my wife for a long time after that. 

I also filed for divorce, and my wife got served the papers while I was in the house. And she didn't she say "Well, that's it, I give up." She decided to show me, why I should give her a second chance, because she knew she only had 60 days from that point, to get me to change my mind. 

And she did. I eventually called off the divorce, and attempted to reconcile. 

And it was destroyed, when I saw a little email she didn't tell me about. It wasn't replied to, or anything. Just from the OM. 
I was divorced before she could even say she was sorry. 

What's the difference between you and me? 
It isn't that I didn't love. I loved my XW, and didn't want to divorce her. Hell, some on this forum may argue that I still do love her. 
The difference is I was able to tell her this marriage is dead. And it is up to her to revive it. I am not going to do it for her. 


So far, you have been the one having to do all the saving. That is the problem. 
The BS should never have to save the marriage. They should make an ultimatum, and divorce if it isn't met. 
It is up to the WS to save the marriage. Not the BS. Not you. Understand?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Well we've certainly had enough op bashing. I'm guessing there will be people banned for breaking forum rules. If you can help do so . There is less than one helpful post per page. This is shameful. An op doesn't know how to handle his wife affair, gosh where have I seen that before.

I think this is the worst welcome I have seen here.

Either give the poster good tools to handle the situation or shut up.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have one of the worst other men to deal with. Put him on cheaterville.com. Show him you neither fear him nor respect him. Send him yhe google link to the posting. Give us the link and we will help get the count up.

Beware of counselors, if they don't feel right they're not.

How has your sex life changed through all this? There should be some hysterical bonding going on if the R is real but not always. How has your sex life changed in the last several months.

She knows you are monitoring her, that means you need to monitor more closely. You need two $50 voice activated recorders in her car and one in the house where she is likely to talk to him from a land line or a burner phone.

Your time away from home has to change now. There is no way you are communicating you're not even around each other.

How do you know he isn't where she is during the day if she doesn't work. Keeping track of her is good but that doesn't tell you where she is.

Download the two books linked to in my signature below asap.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Chap,

I agree...OP has gotten some heavy 2x4's and some have been over the top.

But I think people are trying to wake the guy up to the reality of the situation he finds himself in.

In the several posts he made before signing off, he was not only refusing to acknowledge the likelihood he is really getting played here but also argued against/expressed doubt about the advice he had been given by some posters.

I agree with you that harsher bashing is not the answer here. He is so lost himself in this situation that he's not getting the point of the comments anyway.

I think he needs to realize the severity of his situation before any advice will be effective.

That's why I have stressed twice now that I think the story he has shared shows a high probability that he is being set up for a hard fall by his WW and the POS.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Five pages of hysteria isn't going to help.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Well we've certainly had enough op bashing. I'm guessing there will be people banned for breaking forum rules. If you can help do so . There is less than one helpful post per page. This is shameful. An op doesn't know how to handle his wife affair, gosh where have I seen that before.
> 
> I think this is the worst welcome I have seen here.
> 
> Either give the poster good tools to handle the situation or shut up.


 What would you suggest? Seriously. The guy keeps getting run over. He can't or wont do anything to stop the affair and is only making it worse for himself. 

he's getting good advice but from what I'm reading, not willing to even help himself. Instead he's only helping her and the OM continue their affair.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Tell us more about other man and why he has so much time to talk to and see your wife during the day while you are hard at work.

What is going on with your child?

You are too much in the dark, relying on your wife to fill you in. Buy two voice-activated recorders, put one in her car and one in the house where she is likely to talk on the phone when you are not around. There is a voice-activated recorder that looks like a pen, get one and put it in her pocketbook. One of your first orders of business is to really get a grip on what is going on.

You post that you have given her four second chances, but each time she comes back even more committed to you than the time before. Last contact was just three days ago, an hour-long call. On top of all of the other calls and meetings she has had with other man, she has spent more time ending her affair than some cheaters do actually having their affairs.

A recurrent theme that your wife has been repeatedly reciting over the course of the month-plus since you found out about the affair is that she needs space to figure out what she wants. What she means by that is that she wants space to explore her relationship with other man, then she will be able to come to a decision on who to be with, you or him. This has not changed for your wife, she still has that thought in her head, and she keeps the door open for contact with other man. In reality, she will never be able to decide, she will keep going back and forth between you and him, it is called cake-eating, and it is fun for her to be fought over by two guys.

Get the VARs in place. That should give you a better window into what is going on with your wife, her thoughts (if she confides to a friend or has figured out how to talk to other man on phone or in person without you knowing), and where you stand. Then you can make more informed decisions about what to do.

Affairs follow a basic script. That is why it is easy for us to see what is going on with your wife. A lot of cheaters have said and done the exact same things as your wife, and we have the luxury of knowing how those situations turned out (the cheating was continuing, EVERY SINGLE TIME without exception).

Your best bet is to talk to an attorney, find out what you need to do to protect yourself financially and custody-wise. Then wait for your wife to slip up again. It would be good if you could learn from the experiences of others instead of taking the hardest path yourself, but eventually you will end up in the same spot.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Chap,

I see your point. But I think hysteria is an exaggeration for MOST of the posts.

I agree some have been too harsh and vicious, but I think most have been blunt attempts to wake OP up the fact he is far from the 'success' story he announced in the title to his thread.

Heck, he's only 5 weeks in and he's claiming his problems are all but solved.

Just a couple weeks ago she was claiming she was never in love with him, but now he thinks they are basically healed.

OP is unfortunately in a real dangerous position in his M and seems totally oblivious to it.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

This entire thread makes me sick to my stomach.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> Five pages of hysteria isn't going to help.


It isn't hysteria if it's the truth,
This guy is a rug. The only thing you can do with a rug is walk on it or beat the dirt out of it.
I did not give this guy advice because he isn't ready for it yet.

Maybe after he gets enough dirt beat out of him, he will be able to listen to advice.

Right now I don't even respect him. I don't want to waste my time on someone who is so obviously satisfied with his fantastic results.

This guy is so convinced that he is right that more level reasoning will not prevail.

I obviously want everyone on this forum to become better, stronger, people. OP needs a serious wake up call, not a comforter. For him to become healthy, he needs to be uncomfortable with his decisions right now.

That is certainly not the case. His opening statement shows a fully justified rug, sweeping his wife's dirt under himself, and almost honoring the POS that was banging his wife through the whole process while he kept letting her "decide" how many times she would let another guy blow his load in her before she might honor him by returning so he could clean up after OM.

This situation truly sucks, but I hope OP can become a man that respects himself and thinks himself worthy of better treatment.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Promisekeeper my man, I don't know what I can say that could possibly top the advise from these other folks. I will add however that your efforts are not going to work. You can bet "each time she came back more committed than the last" as you say, she was more committed that her main squeeze is the boyfriend and she and him will continue to have you chasing your tail. 
In the final analysis, there will be a success story. It will be that it took her a while but she finally dumped you, got you completely out of her life, and finally corrected the biggest mistake of her life, i.e. marrying a guy she never loved in the first place. (after making you look like a fool from your house to 1200 main street in BFE.)
Remember guys, when a woman sez she didn't think you were attracted to her, it means she's not attracted to you.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP, 

Believe it or not, there is so much valuable information on this site. I found it way to late when I needed it the most. 

One of the most important piece of advise you will hear often, "watch the action, not the words."

Sorry your in our club. 

~sammy


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hmm...
I PM'd Amplexor about the Jeffster thread and found out it was diwali123 and he was going to be gone this weekend also.

He deleted that thread.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

it seems OP has to appreciate a lot of criticism from posters on his thread on LS website too. 

thread's name: My (Success) Story - Wife Had Affair
from same username.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

PK, you may not like what's being said about your situation but brother, from one Christian man to another, these guys and gals are hitting you upside the head with the 2x4 of wisdom and love. You need to listen and stop doing it your way. Your way will lead to you losing your family. I guarantee this. There is an old saw here at TAM; you must be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it. 

As a Christian you know that forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. What consequences has your wife faced? None. Not one. You need to Google the 180 and start practicing it immediately. As Juicer said, you need to file for divorce and tell her she has until the D is final to convince you that she wants to be in the marriage otherwise you will exercise your biblical sound prerogative to divorce her on the grounds of infidelity?

You don't want to divorce her? Yeah, we know that but you CANNOT let her know that. You let her know that you love her, but you don't need her. You can love someone else, and they can love you more than she can. You need to let her know that she is COMPLETELY REPLACEABLE and that you will do it without blinking an eye.

You need to put the fear of God into her because frankly, it sounds like she needs it. Right now she's on a headlong trajectory to destruction. The soul you save may be hers.

Best of God's providence to you. God bless.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Hmm...
> I PM'd Amplexor about the Jeffster thread and found out it was diwali123 and he was going to be gone this weekend also.
> 
> He deleted that thread.


You're sh!tting me! Jeffster was Diwali? Are you sure???


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Okay, here is the part where I say "This is a nightmare", if I had met the OM at starbucks, it wouldn't take the fact that I'm in a public place, from reaching across the table and slapping them both. Not one person I know could restrain themselves from doing that. I'm not sure of your age, but this ugly situation needs to end, fast. File for divorce, she doesn't love you, Period! She has no respect for you, Period! These are the two basics in a marriage and relationship. You have to ask yourself, what do I want and how long am I going to accept being played for a fool. It's easy for me to quarterback this from my laptop, but anyone reading this would tell you, there is no way of fixing this, Do the divorce filing thing, 180 the hell out of her, go and workout, it will help with the stress. Sorry man you need tough love, so to speak. I only say these things to you, because you need to hear an unbiased opinion, that in itself should tell you something or everything. Go dark on her, separate your finances, ask or tell her to leave, do not, repeat, do not have sex with her. Read mmslp, it will help. You need to go from beta to alpha in half a heartbeat. Good luck, this is a mess.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

tom67 said:


> Hmm...
> I PM'd Amplexor about the Jeffster thread and found out it was diwali123 and he was going to be gone this weekend also.
> 
> He deleted that thread.


I reported that thread too but I had no idea diwali123 was a troll. I'm totally blown away by that.

ETA: I see she's banned. How does someone post over 6000 times before getting caught trolling?


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Sorry op I can't offer you any advice. But I will offer advice to any future lurkers on tam.

If you discover your wife cheating on you please re- read the first post. Study it, take notes,and then...do the exact opposite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair*



Hope1964 said:


> Holy cuckold.


My sentiments exactly. I'm a Christian and I can't understand how anyone can be so weak and mild.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair*



PromiseKeeper said:


> Wow, I appreciate all the candid and blunt replies. You must understand that I'm not blind to the criticisms of my actions here.
> 
> I am simply choosing to trust her again because I believe that the person I married is still in there, a person that wants to do what is right.
> 
> I think perhaps my biggest concern of things mentioned so far is that she may no longer respect me. That is something that will take time to discover.


Why should she stay with you? Why should she stay faithful to you?


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair*



PromiseKeeper said:


> But, what does that even mean? I know I could divorce my wife and find another woman that would love more than my wife does right now. I know the problem isn't me, even though there are obviously things I can improve on.


You're wrong. The problem is you. You don't get respect by expecting it. You don't get respect by asking for it. You get respect by demanding it and not settling for anything less. You've done the exact opposite of that.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

PromiseKeeper, The most important thing I discovered about affairs is that you can NEVER tell when the cheating starts unless you are the one having the affair. I would suggest a paternity test for any child born during the marriage.
Then if you turn out to be the daddy, you can make a decision as to whether or not the relationship is worth saving.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Even Luke Skywalker wasn't this naive when he was 20 and had no knowledge of anything outside the farm.


"A talk with the "wife" and OM at starbucks on a mildly cloudy day with the waitress on fire and landscape afar" Sounds like a Dalì painting.. and surreal as much.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Juicer said:


> I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I am going to.
> 
> I can't count how many things you did wrong.
> 
> ...


PK

Juicer still loves his exwife. We all know it.
He still could not have done anything differently in the end.

While I admire your conviction and do agree that every case is different you are probably going to receive more heartache.

What is truly sad is that you are a much better Christian than your wife.

She blew her vows.
She blew her marriage.
She has blown her family up. And what a young family you all are.

She needs to get to the root of her problems. Because she obviously does not love herself. Nor respect herself.

I wish you luck. Keep posting.

HM


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

OP,

Your problems are just starting. Your wife needs to get an order of protection from OM. If she does not, he will sooner or later get her. Not that he is going to be able to keep her either.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

PK, I know I and others are hard on you, but we want the best for you. I truly hope when the $#1t hits the fan, and it will, you will come back and let the good people at TAM help you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> ETA: I see she's banned. How does someone post over 6000 times before getting caught trolling?


You are assuming diwali was always a troll. I saw what was happening and wasn't surprised when diwali was banned.
/threadjack.

PK you have to put your foot down or move on. Sit down and really think about how this progressed. It sounds like every time you gave her a chance she took it further. I could be wrong, but I doubt the first time you confronted her she said "I need to explore my feelings." By the fourth time she can pretend she is confused and needs you to "wait and see."

If you wait, you'll have to let her explore feeling with every "new guy" that gives her attention.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

sandc said:


> You're sh!tting me! Jeffster was Diwali? Are you sure???


Amplexor confirmed it.

If you are real op please listen to everyone's advice it is spot on.


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## Bugz Bunny (Nov 28, 2011)

Oh man you are every WWs dream husband...No consequences,and after banging the OM she only has to say sorry afterwards and it will be enough to take her back and she can have "million" second chances... Like I said you are every WWs dream husband...You are creating a new category/level of beta...

BTW this wasnt a compliment...

Wake up please and find your self respect...

Good Luck


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Bugz Bunny said:


> Oh man you are every WWs dream husband...No consequences,and after banging the OM she only has to say sorry afterwards and it will be enough to take her back and she can have "million" second chances... Like I said you are every WWs dream husband...You are creating a new category/level of beta...
> 
> BTW this wasnt a compliment...
> 
> ...


So, I guess you can call him a "cake baker"?


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

badmemory said:


> PK,
> 
> You don't have to divorce your wife to save your marriage. You just have to be willing to do it - if she doesn't:
> 
> ...


I'm not exactly sure where to start since there has been so many replies, but I like the post above from badmemory.

Most of these conditions have been met or are in the process of being met. 

She has blocked the OM from all points of contact and has given me complete access to all of her means of communication. 

There does need to be an NC letter, I will have us work on that early this week.

She has been exposed to all of her family and several of our close friends.

From what I can tell, she is being transparent.

She does let me know where she is when she is apart from me and it can normally be verified through other means.

She no longer has contact with any male friends.

She does seem remorseful and contrite; however, she isn't spending as much energy trying to rebuild our marriage as I would like.

She is willing to discuss the details of the A, in fact we did last night for quite a while.

Additionally, she knows she is the problem and has told me many times. She knows her unhappiness was due to something broken in her, not due to our marriage. She is actively working on figuring that part of herself out.

These are the reasons why I think things are going in the right direction.

I am listening to the opinions on this thread and if she has contact with him again I will take action. Additionally, I will keep updating this thread as our journey continues, regardless of the outcome.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> PromiseKeeper... I might be one of the few who view your situation a little differently as it seems to so closely resemble my story in many ways.
> 
> Getting caught, recommitting to the marriage, then she struggles to avoid the OM and reconnects with him until she is caught again, then the cycle repeated. It's a horrible roller coaster I know, and your wife is in the fog so she can't completely see it all either.
> 
> ...


Thank you, this was really encouraging. I completely agree with your assessment.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Promisekeeper, the man in the story has a 800 pound gorilla in this room, "Then she began telling me that she didn’t love me, in fact, she never did, and further that I never loved her; perhaps the worst part, she told me she loved the OM."
All the N/C letters, having their passwords, exposing to their friends and family, etc., ain't gonna make um love you Dawg.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Your young move on, nobody needs this crap in the first five years of marriage. Walk away, go make a life with someone who actually gives a sh** about you. She does not. No respect + No love = No way! BTW, I don't think it's her the first time, fooling around. She has issues far beyond what I would want to help her work on. Geez, I hope this isn't a troll.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Promisekeeper, the man in the story has a 800 pound gorilla in this room, "Then she began telling me that she didn’t love me, in fact, she never did, and further that I never loved her; perhaps the worst part, she told me she loved the OM."
> All the N/C letters, having their passwords, exposing to their friends and family, etc., ain't gonna make um love you Dawg.


Yes, you are right, none of these things will make her love me. 

However, all of the feelings she had that night can be attributed to her being in "the fog". She was trying to convince herself of those things to justify/rationalize her affair. When we talk now, she no longer feels the same way. I wouldn't go as far as to say she has no feelings for the OM or that she is fully in love with me, but its a lot closer than in was 6 weeks ago.

I fully believe she loved me when we were dating, when we got married, and for most of our marriage. 

I don't fully understand why she fell out of love with me, but I think it has to do with her being insecure and looking for a source that made her feel valuable. Additionally, she wants adventure and I haven't been providing that. Lastly, I think she is going through a sort of life crisis, questioning everything, and feeling lost.


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## loving1 (Aug 5, 2013)

PromiseKeeper, you sound like a good, kind and patient man. There are women out there who won't treat you like a backup plan.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> Yes, you are right, none of these things will make her love me.
> 
> However, all of the feelings she had that night can be attributed to her being in "the fog". She was trying to convince herself of those things to justify/rationalize her affair. When we talk now, she no longer feels the same way. I wouldn't go as far as to say she has no feelings for the OM or that she is fully in love with me, but its a lot closer than in was 6 weeks ago.
> 
> ...


See and this is why some of us hate fog talk. Betrayed spouses use this reasoning like a parachute, "They are just confused I'll wait," and it is actually the trapdoor to the rabbit hole of limbo. I've read threads, like yours, that go on for months and years. The spouse comes back later and says "OMG, I was such an idiot." Nope, contrary to what will be stated, this comes form people who divorce and *RECONCILE.* They deal with a bunch of heartache trying to nice or win their spouse back and it rarely, if ever, works.

Yes, you are nicing her because you keep typing and accepting more and more blame.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

PK, I have been a chaplain and a minister either PT or FT since 1985. My wife cheated on me several times. My wife finally repented and came fully clean in April 2013. I gave up my ordination last year due to being a professional counselor and not wanting to be in minstry at this time in my life.

First, you did a lot of things wrong. Many of us do. Learn from it.

Second, your wife will have feelings for this guy for a while. It is not fair but it will fade and die, if she does not feed it.

Third, wanting adventure. Yea, I got the same thing, but the sad part is I gave her adventure, and she rewarded me with more cheating. I gave her more then what she asked. This conversation was in early 2010, she said I want adventure and things to look forward. I did that, and she cheated in April till June 2010, and then from June 2011 till March 2013. Frankly, I would tell her (and I mean it), if you want adventure then go. Your wife needs to be content with what she has, period. My BIL is a pastor and he told me the same thing. He said about his sister (my wife) what the heck is she doing? She is saying she is not content and wants fun and excitement. You see PK, when a person is not content with what they have they either suck it up or they go for it. Maybe, I am not being real clear here, but I have been through hel*. If my wife would ever say to me again that life is boring, I need excitemetn, adventure or whatever, I would say to her, there is the door. Keep in mind I took her to Disney several times, Cancun, the Virgin Islands, etc. More places then anyone in my family or hers have gone. 

Furthermore, I think you are awake. I would tell your wife if she wants to be with the OM there is the door. 

1. Now is the time to end her facebook. She should have no social media. You can have a joint one and all email needs to be shared.
2. If you don't already have it, her cell phone should be set up where you can see every text.
3. Watch how you forgive. Take your time on this.
4. This is now almost entirely on your wife. What is she doing spiritually to fix this?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Can anyone point to a single thread where the BS was able to nice his WS back? Anyone? Bueller?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I'm not exactly sure where to start since there has been so many replies, but I like the post above from badmemory.
> 
> Most of these conditions have been met or are in the process of being met.
> 
> ...


Okay PK, good for you. If this is true, you are heading in the right direction.

Her respecting you is important for attraction, but it's more than that. If you are able to R with her, you have to know in your own mind, that she was willing to accept reasonable consequences for what she did. At the end of the day, that will help reduce the mind movies, second thoughts, and regrets about how you handled things. You'll have a better chance of avoiding a false R once the hysterical bonding plays out - and it will.

Understand that having a desperate desire to save your marriage is normal at this stage. Being able to do it the right way is the hard part. 

Don't erase anymore lines in the sand. Hold her completely accountable to accepting those consequences I suggested. I'm not necessarily convinced she can or will turn around, but being strong and respecting yourself is the best course - whether you R or not.

Hang in there and keep posting.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

sandc said:


> Can anyone point to a single thread where the BS was able to nice his WS back? Anyone? Bueller?


I never read one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

sandc said:


> Can anyone point to a single thread where the BS was able to nice his WS back? Anyone? Bueller?


I don't remember any unless you look at the ones where the spouse just up and left with no drama and the WS woke up and wanted to R.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I'm always amazed by the number of betrayed spouses who are CERTAIN that no paternity test is necessary.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

OP everybody else here who is far more experienced in these matters than I am has given you stern yet good advice.

I would only like to add that when a woman tells you on more than one occasion that she doesn't love you and would like to be apart from you, you should believe her. Don't assume it's the "fog". That is a convenient excuse used to sheild from pain. The pain in knowing that she doesn't want you.

She doesn't want you. Maybe never did. Prepare yourself for what's ahead if you continue down this path. More betrayal and pain.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I know you want to be Christ to her, to love her as Christ loved the church. But she's rejecting Christ right now. Christ may love us unconditionally but He does require believe in order to be saved. You have every right to lay down requirements for her to meet in order to save the marriage. You can still love her and hope for the best for her while not being married to her.

Personally I'd tell her I understood that she feels like she needs to find herself, but you know who you are and where you want to be. I'd tell her I was granting her freedom by way of a D. Then she can be free to find herself but that personally you hope she finds Christ. I'd tell her I'm looking for a woman who puts Christ and his teachings at the center of her life and will begin that search as soon as I've healed from the damage she's caused me. I'd tell her I'd be getting the paperwork ready immediately and then I'd start the 180. Then I'd pray that God's will be done and that he would be glorified.

But that's just me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I don't fully understand why she fell out of love with me, but I think it has to do with her being insecure and looking for a source that made her feel valuable. Additionally, she wants adventure and I haven't been providing that. Lastly, I think she is going through a sort of life crisis, questioning everything, and feeling lost.


I know Dawg but you ain't gonna listen. She's not insecure. She's too secure. She doesn't have to do any work to keep you. She's bored. Youre doing all the work and what did it get you. You're no challenge to her. She's got you eating out of her hand and scared of pissing her off. Hopefully before that, but by the time you get my age, you'll understand what I'm trying to tell you. I hate to be this blunt but if the shoe were on the other foot, she would be the one writing in trying to get advise on how to save the marriage and get you out of "the fog".


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I know Dawg but you ain't gonna listen. She's not insecure. She's too secure. She doesn't have to do any work to keep you. She's bored. Youre doing all the work and what did it get you. You're no challenge to her. She's got you eating out of her hand and scared of pissing her off. Hopefully before that, but by the time you get my age, you'll understand what I'm trying to tell you. I hate to be this blunt but if the shoe were on the other foot, she would be the one writing in trying to get advise on how to save the marriage and get you out of "the fog".


I agree with your point. She is too secure in our marriage / my love for her to feel like she needs to fight for me. I'm not entirely sure how to create this dynamic short of doing the 180. I will not do the 180 unless she breaks her word to me from this point on. I will have her do an NC letter this week, probably today. 

So, do you have advice on how to foster that dynamic where I'm at right now? 

Unfortunately, I do think there is some truth in the opinion of people saying I'm a beta. Not to the extreme that some are painting, but I do think if I was more assertive/confident and maybe even more selfish to a degree, it would help create that dynamic.

She has told me that she wants to pursue me, but I'm not sure how to create that dynamic now / in a healthy marriage. Advice on this would be very appreciated.

I will also say, I think a negative part of our relationship before the A was that she felt like she needed me instead of wanted me.

BTW, What I was saying is that she is insecure in herself, that she was seeking a sense of value through the attention of guys.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You need to read "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kaye - ASAP. It's not really about sex despite the title. It's about the alpha/beta dynamic.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Read _Married Man's Sex Life Primer _as well as _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. Both these books will point out what you are doing wrong. 

How do you make her chase you and desire you? By making yourself as attractive to other owmen as possible and upping your "sex rank". No I'm not saying go out and cheat., but you can:

1) Lose weight, eat right, work out like a dog, get as fit as possible. 

2) Start dressing nicely. Throw out the dress clothes you "think" are cool and go to a Dillards or Kohl's and ask a young saleswoman to help you pick out up-to-date, swanky clothes that will make you really look good and feel good. Dress neater when you go out in public. Get your hair styled a new way. 

3) Take the focus off your wife and put it back on yourself for a change. Get back into old hobbies you gave up when you married her. Stop being her servant. Be there when she really needs your manly skills, but otherwise, stop playing house with her. One of the reasons she most likely has no respect for you is you dote on her too much. 

4) Start talking to other women at church and in public. Smile, look them in the eyes, stand up straight and proud, and _act_ confidant. Women value confidence in men more than anthing else...looks included. Let your wife see you interacting confidently with other women. 

5) Stop rushing to be her partner in everything. Biblically, your job is to be her spritual leader, not her pal. Quit following the Promisekeepers dogma and get into your Bible and read what it really says about a husband's responsibilities.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Trying to reconcile at the moment would be a huge waste of time, it will be a false R and you'll be right back here with D-day #2 in no time. The approach you are taking will fail, no question. You are deep in denial and in just as much a fog as she is.

You need to cut your loses but if you insist on R then file for a D and ride it out until its time to finalize then decide if you want to R or not. If you want to R more than her you will fail, she has to be begging for it and you have to be thinking twice about it for it to be successful. 

If your W knows you won't D then she has no motivation to change.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

LostViking said:


> Read _Married Man's Sex Life Primer _as well as _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. Both these books will point out what you are doing wrong.
> 
> How do you make her chase you and desire you? By making yourself as attractive to other owmen as possible and upping your "sex rank". No I'm not saying go out and cheat., but you can:
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

The idea is to make her think she is no longer the center of your world. And she should not be anyways.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair*



hookares said:


> I'm always amazed by the number of betrayed spouses who are CERTAIN that no paternity test is necessary.


Yeah and they all say "she would never do that." Famous last words.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Read _Married Man's Sex Life Primer _as well as _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. Both these books will point out what you are doing wrong.
> 
> How do you make her chase you and desire you? By making yourself as attractive to other owmen as possible and upping your "sex rank". No I'm not saying go out and cheat., but you can:
> 
> ...


I agree with with this and have started doing many of these things. I do think its important for us to be "pals" by doing activities together as this is an easy way to fall in love with someone (that is how she fell in love with me originally, and how she fell in love with the OM).


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Since when is getting your needs met selfish? How does that make you a bad guy or a bad Christian?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

PromiseKeeper said:


> I agree with with this and have started doing many of these things. I do think its important for us to be "pals" by doing activities together as this is an easy way to fall in love with someone (that is how she fell in love with me originally, *and how she fell in love with the OM*).


She did not fall in love with the OM. She was infatuated with him and was in a dopamine fog from his attention, but it wasn't love. As she travels further out of the fog (if she has indeed broken it off with him) she will realize to her growing self-disgust that it was not love at all. 

This is why marriages between waywards who leave their respective spouses to be with each other rarely last beyond a few years. After the shine wears off of the apple, and the dopamine and seratonin high subsides, they realise they do not love each other at all... that it was a big illusion. Ususally they end up splitting up; or sometimes their pride keeps them together to live miserable, hollow marriages where there is no love, they cheat on each other and every act in the marriage is a lie.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

LostViking said:


> She did not fall in love with the OM. She was infatuated with him and was in a dopamine fog from his attention, but it wasn't love. As she travels further out of the fog (if she has indeed broken it off with him) she will realize to her growing self-disgust that it was not love at all.
> 
> This is why marriages between waywards who leave their respective spouses to be with each other rarely last beyond a few years. After the shine wears off of the apple, and the dopamine and seratonin high subsides, they realise they do not love each other at all... that it was a big illusion. Ususally they end up splitting up; or sometimes their pride keeps them together to live miserable, hollow marriages where there is no love, they cheat on each other and every act in the marriage is a lie.


Agreed and very well put. I should have said, how the affair started. I do not believe it was actual love either.


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## PromiseKeeper (Dec 6, 2013)

bfree said:


> Since when is getting your needs met selfish? How does that make you a bad guy or a bad Christian?


I'm not sure what I said to indicate this, but I don't believe getting my needs met is selfish. I did say earlier that perhaps I should be more selfish. What I meant is that I should perhaps spend more time on myself, doing the hobbies that I enjoy, carrying less of the financial load of providing for the family, etc.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

LostViking said:


> Read _Married Man's Sex Life Primer _as well as _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. Both these books will point out what you are doing wrong.
> 
> How do you make her chase you and desire you? By making yourself as attractive to other owmen as possible and upping your "sex rank". No I'm not saying go out and cheat., but you can:
> 
> ...


In a friggin nutshell Promisekeeper. But before you start, make up your mind you ain't taking no more crap. As far doing activities together as an easy way to fall in love with someone, she needs to do activities with you rather than the other way around if you know what I mean and you really need to cut back and do some "men" stuff without her. Remember Dawg, she'd need to get the stench of this other SOB off her before you come close to doing much of anything.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

I don't recall seeing this mentioned but have you and your wife had STD tests? If not then this needs to be done. You need to see her results in writing as well.

Do not tell me they used condoms...just don't go there.

I would also have your child DNA tested. That's the price your wife pays for her actions.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Having read your whole thread, I think this sentence from your first post sums up the difficulty so many posters have with you and your approach.



PromiseKeeper said:


> But, I put the ball in her court, I told her to make a decision, “Me forever, or not”.


It is some ugly combination of passiveness, self-loathing and surrender all at once. 

Passive, because with this sentence, you communicated to her that you will be around no matter what. Because even with her breaking her vows, lying to you repeatedly, hurting you again and again, you leave the decision to her as to whether you will stay married. No active step on your part. Forgiveness is a given, she just has to decide if she wants it. 

Self-loathing because it is as if you don't deserve any better in a wife. She can lie, cheat and betray you, and you will take her back. She need only say the magic words and you accept her back. Because you loath yourself, you assume others do as well, and that a woman of class and character could never love you.

Surrender because you give up on yourself. You leave it to her, jump through her hoops and bend to her whim. She makes demands and you race to complete them. You make demands, she ignores them then begs for forgiveness and you give it freely. You communicate to her that you have surrendered your respect and even control in your like. 

Whether you intend to or not, this is what your actions have communicated to her. Her actions are, unfortunately, completely logical based on the above message (even if not moral or ethical). So fix your communication approach using the tools these good folks have suggested.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Take a look at this posting on another thread. This guy was nice to his wife for 2 years before he finally pulled the plug.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/147890-wife-had-full-pa-5.html#post5953537


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Quit being the "NICE GUY" 

You let her set her boundaries and you accept them. 

Your marriage is never going to heal as long as she has the POS in the picture.

As many have said you have to be willing to lose her if you have any hope of saving your marriage.

Right now you say you want her back are you prepared to deal with the loss of trust in your marriage for the future.

The mind movies.

What did she do with him sexually that she did not do with you?

Believe the others on here. Right now she is not willing to make the marriage work, you are her life line. and you will not make her accountable or responsible for her actions.

Newsflash No Contact means No Contact. I don't care if the POS had a heart attack and has less then an hour to live and wants to see your wife one last time. Let the POS die alone.


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

rrrbbbttt said:


> Quit being the "NICE GUY"
> 
> You let her set her boundaries and you accept them.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead: After more than 9 pages PK is not committed to any of the great advice that has been given. There's no acknowledgement of reading the books that has been suggested. There are no indications of holding the WW responsible for the affair and no plan to execute the 180 to break the affair. 

PK, At this point I'm not sure what advice you're seeking other than validation from others here on your approach (doubtful)... If that's what you want I wish you luck...I still root for your success, but I struggle to see the path that will take you there.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

*Re: Re: Hopeful Success Story - Wife Had Affair*



sandc said:


> Can anyone point to a single thread where the BS was able to nice his WS back? Anyone? Bueller?


I think mattmatt would say he "niced" his WW back into the marriage, but he would be an exception. His story is different though because he started out as the OM.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

I just prayed for you.

Only God himself can save you from you.

I pray you are right.

I THINK you are delusional.

5 weeks is nothing.

6 months it is the FIRST real milestone.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I think mattmatt would say he "niced" his WW back into the marriage, but he would be an exception. His story is different though because he started out as the OM.


OP Sometimes 400 pound slugs live to be 100.
Sometimes men who job 10 miles a day die at 39 of a heart attack.

The average is VERY opposite.
Matt Matt is the rare exception.

I can only think of a single example of a female that self ended the affair and it tore her apart with guilt. RTBP's wife. AFAIK the ultimate example of lady balls I have ever read. Your wife aint RTBPs wife!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lordmayhem said:


> I think mattmatt would say he "niced" his WW back into the marriage, but he would be an exception. His story is different though because he started out as the OM.


I hope he wouldn't say that because a revenge Emotional affair wouldn't be considered nice at all. After many tellings, his situations is not only unique people argue about it from rug sweeping to reconciliation. I guess I can add "nice" to the equation now.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

If you do the 180, it may or may not work on her...

...but it will definitely work FOR YOU.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Finally got the chance to read the whole thread.










Get out of your denial and stop your passiveness. Heed the advice the others have been giving you, including the 2 X 4s.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

RyanBingham said:


> :scratchhead: After more than 9 pages PK is not committed to any of the great advice that has been given. There's no acknowledgement of reading the books that has been suggested. There are no indications of holding the WW responsible for the affair and no plan to execute the 180 to break the affair.
> 
> PK, At this point I'm not sure what advice you're seeking other than validation from others here on your approach (doubtful)... If that's what you want I wish you luck...I still root for your success, but I struggle to see the path that will take you there.


It isn't the page count, it is the amount of time. I don't mind the 2X4's, but this tendency to expect the OP to react immediately is overbearing. Especially, if the OP is a rug sweeping nice guy. This guy "sounds" like he has accepted all of the failings in the marriage. So much so, that he shook the guys hand and this idiot has been AT HIS HOUSE. 4 days is not enough time for someone who has YEARS of being a doormat.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

OM called you and your wife and explained to you how wrong is your marriage to you and your wife. You stood there hearing it and you think that you did everything right.

Your wife will go back to OM when she feels the dust is settled, she will **** him, you will find out again and again BUT you will do nothing other than giving her chances after chances.

One more thing she will never leave you for ever, because its too hard to find a man like you.


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It isn't the page count, it is the amount of time. I don't mind the 2X4's, but this tendency to expect the OP to react immediately is overbearing. Especially, if the OP is a rug sweeping nice guy. This guy "sounds" like he has accepted all of the failings in the marriage. So much so, that he shook the guys hand and this idiot has been AT HIS HOUSE. 4 days is not enough time for someone who has YEARS of being a doormat.


My point is why ask for help if he is unable to even acknowledge that people are providing advice. I get he is getting inundated with a lot of advice, but most of what is being shared is fairly consistent and common.

This community is helping the BS and I agree it takes time to process everything, but geez getting hit by all these 2x4 makes him a battered BS in the TAM community. Everyone's goal is to help him dissolve the BS fog that he is surrounding himself in. But man - this fog is like a force field.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, but if anyone is offering advice for acknowledgment or thanks, they shouldn't be posting. Advice is a take it or leave it option. To me, there is no time limit on thanks or acknowledgement on advice. Took me 20 years to thank and realize all of the good advice my parent gave me. 

We have a thread right now with a person who lurked, never started a thread and she thanked everyone in the CWI community. People process things differently than others and nice guys are worse.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Just read all your thread-----
i think she is still being tricky with you, only now feels less upset since she got most off her chest.
You refuse the 180;
you refuse setting bounderies;
you are nicing her;
you do the heavy work-----
i can go on and on. I'm not giving any advise. i will wait a couple more months (maybe less) untill you will smash hard against a concrete wall and finally snap out of your fog! Whatever will be said in the meanwhile would only be a lost of words.
Catch you ahead....


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