# What are my options



## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Hi All, 
I really not sure how to proceed with my life so kindly provide your inputs. 

Me and my wife both are in early 30. I met her 10 years back. We are from different religion, she is a Muslim and I’m Christian. We discussed about our differences in terms of religion when our relationship became serious. And before marriage we have decided that we are okay for each other following their own religion. Also we discussed about our future kids religion and decided that they will follow my religion as in our community, kids follow fathers religion. 

We got married 7 years back. After 3 years of marriage she had a serious emotional affair + sexting (shared nudes) with one of her coworker when I was abroad on a work assignment. I found out about it an Year later, she had already finished it by the time I find out about it and told me it was the biggest mistake of her life. I forgave her because 1. She it it off before I found out. 2. They are in completeNC 3. I believe that it was not a PA. 

After this I never felt the original flame from her end even if she swears that’s not the case. I felt that she thinks only about herself, I m not feeling the love or care from her end. She tells me that that’s not the case she loves me. 

Her parents were against our marriage. They were not in touch four few years. Fast forward to current timeline, we have decided that we will settle down in another country, for this I had to travel alone again. She stayed back and continued in her job. Her parents started talking to her, they started talking about how sinful it is for her to married to a non Muslim guy and she should think about afterlife and she should not consider our marriage valid and all. After listening and visiting to her parents for last 6 months she started distancing from me.

I felt something was off and I asked her what’s wrong and she told me that she is feeling guilty for marring me. She shouldn’t have married to a non Muslim guy. She told me she will never be happy with me and we cannot continue as husband and wife. 

After talking a lot She gave me below options:- 

1. Convert and be a Muslim, kids also will be Muslim. Till the time I convert she will not live as my wife. 

2. Be married only on paper. She will not live as my wife but she will not marry anyone else. She will live in her country alone and I will be in the new country. 

3. She will come and live with me. But she will always be feeling guilty and miserable and she may not love me as being with me is a sin according to her belief. 

This is my current state. She will be coming to visit me for a month in next week. But according to her we will not live as husband and wife. She is coming only because I asked her. 

What are my options here (except divorce). 

1. Should I give her a cold shoulder, kind of 180. will it have any impact on her. 

2. Should I be happy even though she is being like not married to me. Should I bring her flowers and all. Should I make this last time as memorable as I can. 

Please advise. 

Thanks in advance!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If you have children, I'd talk to a lawyer who knows family and international law (where you live) and find out how best to get my kids if you are interested in that.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

It sounds like she's checked out of the marriage. I doubt whether converting to islam would make any difference in her treatment of you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ILMW said:


> Hi All,
> I really not sure how to proceed with my life so kindly provide your inputs.
> Me and my wife both are in early 30. I met her 10 years back. We are from different religion, she is a Muslim and I’m Christian. We discussed about our differences in terms of religion when our relationship became serious. And before marriage we have decided that we are okay for each other following their own religion. Also we discussed about our future kids religion and decided that they will follow my religion as in our community, kids follow fathers religion.
> We got married 7 years back. *After 3 years of marriage she had a serious emotional affair + sexting (shared nudes) with one of her coworker when I was abroad on a work assignment. I found out about it an Year later, she had already finished it by the time I find out about it and told me it was the biggest mistake of her life. I forgave her because 1. She it it off before I found out. 2. They are in completeNC 3. I believe that it was not a PA.
> ...


An affair changes everything. You noticed her actions. Her words can't be trusted. If they had contact with you out of the way it was probably a sexual affair. You don't send nudes and not want to go further.

Most betrayed spouses always want to be in denial. It's a easier and cheaters always lie a lot. Sorry man

She didn't confess. You found out. Which means she was in self preservation mode. They say anything at that time and hide the full truth.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> ILMW said:
> 
> 
> > Hi All,
> ...


I went through her mobile and saw the pics shared. But I really think the affair is over.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Seriously need to get advice of a lawyer familiar with the laws in the country you are/will be.
She has already shown you what she is capable of, believe her. Her "parents" convincing her is crap -- she wants out, or she wouldn't have done the EA (and if the guy was anywhere close, it was a PA).

Do you know WHO that guy was? Did you find his wife and tell HER about it? 
You have children -- please DNA them (even if you are 100% certain). It will show her how much damage she did. YOU are giving HER the power -- make your own plans to protect you AND your children (DO NOT allow her to take them back to her home country without any legal protections for you.... --- that should be done under legal advice ONLY).

"After this I never felt the original flame from her end even if she swears that’s not the case. I felt that she thinks only about herself, I m not feeling the love or care from her end. She tells me that that’s not the case she loves me. "

Cheaters lie -- she is lying about this.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

sunsetmist said:


> If you have children, I'd talk to a lawyer who knows family and international law (where you live) and find out how best to get my kids if you are interested in that.


We don’t have kids.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This is the woman who was abusing you in 2014 as wife's mom did to her dad? We need details like this. She also refuses you sex. Glad there are no children. Remove yourself from this farce of a marriage.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> Seriously need to get advice of a lawyer familiar with the laws in the country you are/will be.
> She has already shown you what she is capable of, believe her. Her "parents" convincing her is crap -- she wants out, or she wouldn't have done the EA (and if the guy was anywhere close, it was a PA).
> 
> Do you know WHO that guy was? Did you find his wife and tell HER about it?
> ...


I know who the guy is. And his spouse knows. He is out of our life almost last 3 years.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can't save your marriage on your own. It takes two. She's not in then let her go. Life is too short to waste. No kids is a huge plus.

You can't make her do anything


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I’m not focusing on the affair at the moment. What I’m looking for is how to proceed with current situation.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I still think my advice holds -- get a hold of a good lawyer to find out your options and develop a plan. ESP. seek to protect your children, or she will take the kids and be gone.

EDT: Sorry, from the post I assumed you had children -- if not, then disregard that part. You STILL need to protect yourself and your assets, and make a solid plan.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You don't have kids?? Man what are you waiting for? What is it that won't let you act like a man that knows what's best for him? Why are you still hesitating?

This is a no-brainer. Just divorce and go your own way. 

She's giving you the bull**** that this is living in sin?; what about her EA ****, wasn't that living in sin? What a hypocrite she is. Cut her off your life already.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

As my grandparents always said, "if family gets involved in your marriage, you either have to move and cut contact or always have marital problems.

Sounds as though she may have went through a rebellious phase and is done with it.
As there are now kids involved and knowing the importance of birth family for some cultures and the pressures they can exert, I wouldn't try to reconcile unless she was willing to be taught. 

As you are here, even if she is willing to learn, unless you man up and learn yourself you aren't capable of teaching her.

Since you are a professing christian: you do know Adam's original sin was hearkening to the voice of his wife?

Missed the part on the abuse. I would Run!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

ILMW said:


> snip.....
> After talking a lot She gave me below options:-
> 1. Convert and be a Muslim, kids also will be Muslim. Till the time I convert she will not live as my wife.
> 2. Be married only on paper. She will not live as my wife but she will not marry anyone else. She will live in her country alone and I will be in the new country.
> ...


Of the three options SHE has given you,--since she obviously runs the family--I would choose number three. Her EA should be equally guilt inducing. Her refusal of sex should be equally guilt inducing. Her attacking you physically should be equally guilt inducing.
1. 180 will have no impact unless she goes into shock that you are not bowing down to her.
2. Go for it, make this last time most memorable!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I know your question does not pertain to the affair but none the less you noted in your opening post so it there has some relevance to the matter at hand. Disregarding it does not make it go away...additionally i am guessing that your wife did not tell her parents about her transgression...if she is a true muslim then she would not be happy with with its position on adultery. I would remind your wife that when she comes to visit that she better first tell her parents first what she did? and i suspect her lover was a non-muslim as well. I just think she is using her religion as a convenience. Perhaps you should tell them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Assuming you don't have kids, Run. This is never going to work out. She is just too hard. Really.

Besides I think part of her new found religion is to force your hand anyway. I don't think she really loves you the way you think. 

Live shouldn't be this hard.


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## ILMW (May 15, 2013)

I’m leaning towards option 3 that I don’t convert or agree to any of these. I will be there if she is ready to accept our marriage. 
But most probably she will go with option2. That live separated with minimal contact.
I really don’t know how much longer I will be able to continue like that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"But most probably she will go with option2. That live separated with minimal contact."
Why are you giving HER the choice to pick. YOU Need to control this for your sake here. She has already cheated on you -- SHE should be trying to do everything she can to get you back, not have YOU dance to her tune.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don't want the life she's proposing then you'll likely need to move on. Start planning for that possibility.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

ILMW said:


> Hi All,
> ...After this I never felt the original flame from her end even if she swears that’s not the case. I felt that she thinks only about herself, I m not feeling the love or care from her end. She tells me that that’s not the case she loves me. ...


She is obviously not in love with you.

If you have children, I would get to an attorney and find out your rights. This could end really sadly for you and the children if she takes them to another country, especially a muslim one that does not see a Christian or your marriage as legitimate.

I definitely would not do #1. She's not serious anyhow. If she was in love with you she would find a way to be with you. She married you knowing her parents would be disappointed but she wanted to be married to you at that time and so she stood up to that. Now they're in her head but that can only be because she made room in there for them. She's offering you #1 to save face for herself. She does not want to be with you and assumes you will not convert to Muslim, so this gives her (and you) an out.

Assuming you don't have children, cut your losses by cutting her loose. Have a happy 2nd half of your life, you will be miserable tied to a woman who does not love you. You said in another post she's leaning toward #2 and "you don't know how long you can do that."

The answer should be "not for five minutes." What is in it for you? What is the point in being tied to this woman if she's not going to be a wife? Is there something more you are not telling us, or are you just having trouble seeing clearly because of the terrible, hurtful situation you are in?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Come on buddy let’s get real.! You need to get out and never look back.! If your best friend or your best Mate.! Came to you and told you your exact story. what advice would you give him.? (Seriously.!) wouldn’t you tell him to run as fast as he can and don’t look back right.! OK done deal. You know we’re right.! you know deep down in your heart. You just afraid of the unknown’s. don’t worry you’ll be fine buddy she proved you she’s not worthy of your love.
“Tell that b!tch to kick rocks”


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

ILMW said:


> Her parents started talking to her, they started talking about how sinful it is for her to married to a non Muslim guy and she should think about afterlife and she should not consider our marriage valid and all.


That's rich. Do mommy and daddy know all about her little affair? Wonder how screwing around with her co-worker (and she *DID* physically screw around with him) will affect her "after-life?" What a complete joke this woman is, acting all high and mighty when she's anything BUT that.

You're being terribly *naive*, believing your lying wife wasn't physical with her coworker. Come on, now.

They're coworkers. Unless he's a co-worker stationed on Saturn, they had the opportunity to *spend time together,* face to face. Do you honestly believe that these two kept their shenanigans only to their phones when they had the opportunity of a lifetime to get together with *you* out of the country and her free to do what she pleased? 

*Seriously?????*

She's a world class *liar* and you need to think twice about believing ANYTHING she says. Why is that, you ask? If she was able to lie to your face effortlessly while this was happening and for a solid year AFTER it happened, then that shows you how willing and able she's been to deceive you without even batting an eyelash. Further, if you hadn't found the proof of her screwing around, she would have NEVER told you. Yeah, she's a real catch, that one.

I wouldn't do SQUAT for this lying woman and I sure as hell wouldn't convert to her religion.







What the hell is so wrong with her that she even suggested that stupidity? Just not kicking her cheating ass out the door *where it belongs *says you've already done more than enough for her.

Jesus, just be DONE with this train-wreck already and just hope you don't get taken to the cleaners when you finally scrape her off your grill.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I think you know the answer to your own question. You only have one option and you need to take it asap. She is not wife material. She has basically abandoned you and you should not need to put up with anymore of her nonsense.

I am really curious (for personal reasons) as to which country you are from. I could possibly give you better advice if I knew that.

Take care.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Your situation has nothing to do with the affair, it is all about her Muslim religion. She threw caution to the wind when she was young and married outside her religion because it was rebellious and felt good to make an independent decision that bucked tradition. But now it's a decade later and she is no longer that rebellious young woman who sees life as care free. She's matured and her thoughts about marriage and religion have changed, no doubt propelled by badgering by her family about stepping outside her religion.

I do not believe you will win this battle. She's not independent enough, or open enough, to ignore family traditions or religious doctrines. I only see two choices for you; convert to muslim or divorce.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

divorce, deconvert from your own religion and date a non believer.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

BigToe said:


> Your situation has nothing to do with the affair, it is all about her Muslim religion. She threw caution to the wind when she was young and married outside her religion because it was rebellious and felt good to make an independent decision that bucked tradition. But now it's a decade later and she is no longer that rebellious young woman who sees life as care free. She's matured and her thoughts about marriage and religion have changed, no doubt propelled by badgering by her family about stepping outside her religion.
> 
> I do not believe you will win this battle. She's not independent enough, or open enough, to ignore family traditions or religious doctrines. I only see two choices for you; convert to muslim or divorce.


I agree with this but would also like to add that she is flaky too. I have seen interfaith marriages succeed when both sides are essentially not very religious. However, you seem firmly rooted in your Christianity and as BigToe has said, now that she has matured a bit, she is not readily willing to give up on Islam. If you had kids, that would be a major point of anatagonism. Basically she is not the right wife for you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The option seems simple, to me. You don't want to be a muslim, you don't want to be married but living separately, you don't have kids so there's nothing tying you together, and your marriage is VERY unlikely to get any better than it is right now. Call it a learning lesson, cut the cord, and move on.

I don't normally advocate divorce but I simply see no reason to stay. She's self-centered, willing to cheat, values her parents over you, and the 'allure' of the marriage is far gone.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

ILMW said:


> We don’t have kids.


You have no friends of the marriage. You have infidelity that is one of the worst friends to the marriage. You have in-laws that are not friends of the marriage. No children? I would look to D. Sorry.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Something important to understand about women is if they are truly and completely in love with you they'll give everything up to be with you. Their family, their religion, etc. are all secondary to their relationship with you. So what she's doing is communicating she is no longer in love with you and is unilaterally changing the relationship to one that best meets her needs at the expense of yours. So this is a very simple problem and solution once you can realize that it isn't about the religion or her family and she's just using those as an excuse rather than accepting that she's not in love with you anymore. The only real option you have is to divorce her and find a way to live your life in a way that makes you happy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something else to realize, for future relationships, is that few marriages survive long distances for more than a month or two, unless it's an agreed-upon and well-supported situation, like in the U.S. military. When choosing your next partner, pick one who will be able to go wherever you go (or vice versa).


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

ILMW said:


> I’m not focusing on the affair at the moment. What I’m looking for is how to proceed with current situation.


Ya but SHE cheated and now she's making unreasonable demands compared to your prior agreement?

She's found some new (someone Muslim) - and this is her way of leaving you without saying so.

She's NOT committed to you/the marriage.

File and get rid of her.

The one who cheats shouldn't EVER be allowed to make ANy further demands!!!

Stop trying to change to please her - she's already left the marriage!

You may love her but what she's done proves she doesn't love you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ILMW said:


> After talking a lot She gave me below options:-
> 
> 1. Convert and be a Muslim, kids also will be Muslim. Till the time I convert she will not live as my wife.
> 
> ...


I find it interesting that divorce is not listed here. Why? My take on it is that she is trying to bully you into converting to Islam and/or she does not want to be the 'bad guy' and file for divorce. Instead she has given you options that are not reasonable options at all. If you go for any of the options she proposes, you will be miserable as she will continue to bully you for her own selfish reason.

My suggestion is that you let her know that her options are not the only options available to you and you divorce her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why do you always think the options are only up to your wife to decide?

Why are you handing her all of YOUR power?


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Some people here don't understand the cultural divide that the LW is dealing with. I have lived abroad in the Middle East. Islam is a sexist religion. Men can marry women who are unbelievers (as long as they belong to a "religion of the book" i.e. Christian or Jew). After all Muhammad himself married a Jewish woman. However, it's expressly forbidden for a daughter of Islam to marry a non-Muslim. In fact, that's actually the law in many countries in the Middle East. And obviously the LW's in-laws feel the same way. So that's the major barrier he has to tackle here. 

There is another option, which her family would hate more: She converts to Christianity. 

A lot of people here are focusing on an emotional affair she had four years ago. Even if it was a physical affair, that's not really relevant now. If the OP wanted to divorce her over that he would have done that already. 

I don't envy you, ILMW, because unless she changes her mind, you are really between a rock and a hard place. If it was me, there's no way in hell I would convert to Islam. I have daughters, and there's no way I would force them to grow up in that environment.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Theseus said:


> Some people here don't understand the cultural divide that the LW is dealing with. I have lived abroad in the Middle East. Islam is a sexist religion. Men can marry women who are unbelievers (as long as they belong to a "religion of the book" i.e. Christian or Jew). After all Muhammad himself married a Jewish woman. However, it's expressly forbidden for a daughter of Islam to marry a non-Muslim. In fact, that's actually the law in many countries in the Middle East. And obviously the LW's in-laws feel the same way. So that's the major barrier he has to tackle here.
> 
> There is another option, which her family would hate more: She converts to Christianity.
> 
> ...


While you are correct, I just think that OP needs to understand 1) he made a mistake, and 2) the only way out is divorce.

And BTW, the affair was physical, proximity and adults = sex. Very, very rare that it does not happen that way. 

He needs to get out... No kids, yeah, start over...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Tell her that you are going to do both of you a favor: consent to a divorce. No reason for her to come visit you. If she comes to visit, you will desperately want sex....sex = babies. Babies = you are tied to your W for the rest of your life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its always a massive mistake for a Christian to marry someone of another religion. Not sure how serious you are about your faith, but being that you have no children I think that divorce is the best option sadly. Being that she also got lots of other issues, you may be well out of it. Be far more cautious who you marry next time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Divorce her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Theseus said:


> A lot of people here are focusing on an emotional affair she had four years ago. Even if it was a physical affair, that's not really relevant now.


No, I'm focusing on the point that she's selfish and willing to forego her marriage vows. That's a major character flaw that does not bode well for their relationship. Given the other mounting obstacles, I don't see a reason to keep it going when only one of them is invested in the marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Diana7 said:


> Its always a massive mistake for a Christian to marry someone of another religion.


Why?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> While you are correct, I just think that OP needs to understand 1) he made a mistake, and 2) the only way out is divorce.
> 
> And BTW, the affair was physical, proximity and adults = sex. Very, very rare that it does not happen that way.
> 
> He needs to get out... No kids, yeah, start over...





turnera said:


> No, I'm focusing on the point that she's selfish and willing to forego her marriage vows. That's a major character flaw that does not bode well for their relationship. Given the other mounting obstacles, I don't see a reason to keep it going when only one of them is invested in the marriage.



It looks like she's using it all as an excuse for her poor behavior (cheating). And possibly getting out of the marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why?


IF anyone is serious about their faith, they will want to be with someone who shares that. I married a non Christian the first time, never again. I knew that this time I would never marry a man who didn't have a strong Christian faith, and I married a man like that. We share the same faith, values and love of God. I have friends whose husbands are not Christians and its such a sadness to them that their husbands cant share what they have. Plus God says not to. 
Someone of another religion is even worse because you are both pulling in opposite directions. What happens to the children? What has happened here is a strong warning about what can happen.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

But millions of people are NOT that serious about their faith. It's just a basic part of who they are but not a driving force. How do you know where these two people are on the spectrum? You don't. I know a couple dozen couples of different faiths who get along just fine because it's not what defines them.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree with the "don't marry someone who doesn't share your beliefs". I'm atheist and my XW is catholic, and it's one of the reasons we grew apart. She turned even more to religion after she started cheating on me, and the combination of those things spelled the end. 

See a pattern here? People with crap morals tend to need religion.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

"takiyya, tawriya, kitman, and muruna"


Look these terms up...It will shed a WHOLE lot of light on this supposed "faith tactic".

Since she is living IN sin with a mere Christian. ANd she Shat upon her customs and beliefs with an affair, why hasn't she offered to be saved and forgiven. Even protected? Wow, nice group there....

I'm with everyone else. Divorce and then publicly FORGIVE her. It will make you feel better and be moving along to find someone who enriches you, not hinders you.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

OP, I am sorry to say to you I agree w/ everyone here who says the deck is stacked against you and when that happens you should stop playing.

I also suspect she would like a divorce but doesn't want her family's wrath by asking for, or consenting to one. 

So while I agree w/ everyone that you should get out of this, I'll point out she may secretly be happy if you do. She won't admit this.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

ILMW, your are unequally yoked. Do a hard180. Read some passages from the Quran, and you'll find out what Muslims think about Infidels. 

There are some scholars who do higher criticism of the Quran. Take a look at some of them.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

First of all, your wife needs to tell her family to back off, and respect your marriage. They have no business telling her how to live her life at this point. You've been married for 7 years; has she been okay with your relationship thus far? Has your differences in religion been an issue before now?

So, if being in a relationship outside of her religion is sinful and makes your marriage invalid (according to her parents), what does cheating constitute according to her parents? I would encourage you to ask them that question, and then tell them that their daughter in fact had an affair a little while back. 

Speaking of which, where does this other man live? Back in the country that she's going to live in? If so, and if I were you, that would be a major concern. It may be the case that she wants to be with him still.


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