# Does everyone have issues in marriage?



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I know this is a place where people come with their problems, and that probably causes me to overgeneralize and think every marriage has issues. I've noticed that sometimes people here or in my real life who rate their marriage as good will usually pause and say, "Well, we have our issues, but......." That makes me feel like even though the marriage is good overall, there is some little ongoing issue that keeps a thorn in the side.

I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?

I was married 18 years and never thought we had any issues that amounted to a hill of beans. Then, my wife suddenly said she was unhappy and divorced me. Some people even told me that never having issues was a sign that something could be brewing underneath and would come out in a big way. 

Any thoughts?


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

I think every couple will have issues at some point or other in a long relationship.

Maybe the people who say they never have any issues are the ones that can communicate well and manage to resolve issues before they get out of hand or before one of them gets resentful. Then they forget there ever was an issue:scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I've yet to meet anyone who has lasted more than 10 years that didn't have some big issue to deal with.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My parents have been married 66 years and I can honestly say they didn't have issues. They spent 24/7 together up until my dad had to be put in a nursing home. Fortunately, that gives me hope.
I think those incidences are few and far between though.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> My parents have been married 66 years and I can honestly say they didn't have issues. They spent 24/7 together up until my dad had to be put in a nursing home. Fortunately, that gives me hope.
> I think those incidences are few and far between though.


My parents have been married 46 years and in a recent conversation with mom, she said they never had any problems that amounted to anything. I'm glad to see there are others that way too.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

We are married for 14 years and the only time we had issues was when I had mild ppd after birth and we both put each other through some stress but even through that there was not a single day I or he might have thought of leaving each other. 

I guess every couple will have some issues, its just that some may not see it, some just close one eye, some may overlook the flaws and worst some are super sensitive to even small matters. But I am sure there are some couples who can have uneventful years together happily. 

Okay am I making any sense?


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## england 75 (Sep 13, 2011)

I think most people get the itch after years of being with the same person, it does take a lot of effort to make a relationship or marriage work but too often people seem to give up at the first hurdles, I think marriage is no different to a relationship.. it's about comittment and dedication. Temptation is always there in life, it does take a great deal to accept what you have and work with it, but some marriages do not work for a reason and if it's down to violence or unfaithfulness then it's better to get out, plus life is too short to live truly unhappy, but if it's worth working at then do it!


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

sometimes spouses aren't hearing what is being said. I know that there have been times throughout my 26 year marriage where I have not been happy and tried over and over to communicate it to my husband. It usually took a HUGE fight and talks about my not knowing how much longer I was willing to put up with not being heard, before he actually stopped and listened long enough to actually HEAR what I was saying. 

I'm not saying this was the case in your marriage, but it is pretty common. That is why you often hear men around here saying that they thought everything was perfectly fine, yet their spouse is either cheating or asking for a divorce. Often in retrospect they realize that their spouse was trying to communicate their unhappiness but they did nothing about it.

I'm NOT saying this is justifiable at all! I'm just saying that the thought that everything is just fine and problems "not amounting to a hill of beans" is a personal feeling and not necessarily shared by your spouse.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

In discussions with my mother, she attributes their success to having the same lifetime goals. My dad had a dream to own a successful farm. It was that dream that kept him going while serving in World War II in Italy. My mother always supported that dream and him. That also became my mothers dream, and they both worked hard to achieve it. In today's modern society, I believe people become too absorbed in individual accomplishments and goals. They basically become self-absorbed --"I" and "me" as opposed to "we" and "us".


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Everyone has issues. So, yes. 
But the worst issue to have is sweep-under-carpet-itis.
It's people who manage their issues that get along better.
My kids had made these paper entities, rolled up construction paper with contorted faces and pipe-cleaner arms and hands with different gestures. I had four of them and I kept them on a shelf in my living area, I called them my issues/troubles. They were a good reminder that these creatures visit every human, and on a daily basis.
You can befriend them, or you can slam the door on them and they will keep knocking and while doing that increase in strength and number.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I believe that whether a couple have had huge issues, small, or none, they have still been brought together. And that does mean something. I agree with 827Aug. It's more difficult these days to stay together because nobody wants to have any selflessness. Also, it's easier to leave then to deal with issues sometimes. 
I've read a lot of stories from people on this site who have believed everything is peachy, but then the spouse becomes a monster, or leaves. I myself don't understand it. I really wish that this world could slow down a bit. 
I'm young still, and have a lot more to learn, but I look at my own parents who are still together after 30 years of marriage, they've had many ups and downs...but I respect their strength and their bond. They are best friends. I really want that for myself and hope that for others they can have the same.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't see how it is possible to live with someone for years, and not have issues. There will always be power struggles when living with another person, and how you negotiate these issues will determine whether or not your marriage will survive.

Where will you live? City, suburbs, or country? Big house or small one? How will you spend your money? Joint or separate accounts? If one spouse needs to move for a job promotion, will the other agree to move? Do your sex drives match up? Who cooks? Do you know how to fight fairly? Will you have children? How will you discipline them? What sort of vacations will you take? Will hobbies or friends take precedence over your spouse? Will your family of origin have undue influence on your marriage?

The list goes on and on. Spouses who take the approach of we, not me, will survive the power struggles. They must put the marriage before all other considerations. They must face life's challenges together. 

Some spouses are not wired for a life-long relationship. They need a new partner every 10-15 years or so. They crave variety, and are not able to stay faithful to one person. Some spouses let resentments build from the power struggles, and never discuss them, so when they leave, the other spouse feels blind-sided. 

I think that the basic issue is not valuing the marriage above all else. If you feel that your marriage is the most precious thing in your life, you will do what it takes to negotiate any conflicts that will arise.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Southbound said*: I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?


 Not sure if I could use the term "ISSUE" here...as I was blinded to it....... but our biggest *Regrets* wrapped around our assinine lack of communicating our sexual desires to one another ....only visiting this conversation 3 yrs ago ... blowing it open . 

:banghead::banghead::banghead:...

His only complaint in 22 yrs......He wanted more sex & affection FROM ME .....he has said..about our past....."even when things were DRY, we still had the kids, I was happy" (his words)......

I never looked at my marriage as WORK, not for a day.... although that just speaks of what a Great man I married. 

We were always very close, even then ....near every night -we watched movies together -my head laying in his lap, he ran his fingers through my hair, scratched my back....we had physical touch going on- he just wanted more below the belt but yet -he never made an issue out of it. Don't for the life of me understand this, mind you!

Then our drives got switched... in Mid Life...my wishing like MAD he had the drive of an 18 yr old, Yeah I was not being realistic at all. This then turned into my HARDEST TIME.... as I was questioning HIS desire for ME -- (exactly what he was feeling for 19 yrs!)... HOW Freaking :rofl: is that -- and well deserved I might [email protected]#$%^&*(

But he turned that all around & as always - has shown me nothing but LOVE & caring for my happiness...and in this case... Pleasure ! My husband is & has always been "the Wind beneath my Wings".... and to his credit again... I know I am not the easiest woman to please by any means. 

So if these were "issues" - they turned out to be Blessings, stepping stones to a even a greater intimacy in our marriage.  



827Aug said:


> In discussions with my mother, she attributes their success to having the same lifetime goals. My dad had a dream to own a successful farm. It was that dream that kept him going while serving in World War II in Italy. My mother always supported that dream and him. That also became my mothers dream, and they both worked hard to achieve it. In today's modern society, I believe people become too absorbed in individual accomplishments and goals. They basically become self-absorbed --"I" and "me" as opposed to "we" and "us".


I too, would ascribe our success to this very same thing.... the same "Lifetime goals" (I asked my husband so darn many questions while dating, I knew him like the back of my hand & I never hesitated showing him the depths of me...the good & the bad)... we genuinely LIKED each other -we became Best Friends before we even kissed... inseparable early on. And always always always a "WE" & an "US" on our lips & in our hearts. 

We were very focused on acheiving our dreams -but hand in hand.... looking to our future with our soul mate, how to "build it" for our growing family....I'd call this the "foundational fuel" we ran on...

When $$ was tight- we managed to sock some away anyway....

When we didn't know if we could ever afford the country home we dreamed of- but prayed together anyway... 

When we had trouble conceiving (hardest time for me-but *WE* never took a hit)...we kept believing anyway... going for endless tests, poking, prodding, even a surgery...

When we worried he'd never find a better paying job -even with the babies coming one after the other....WE kept looking anyway.. Everything falling so nicely into place...in due time. 


Just some of the little *EXTERNAL* things....none came close to affecting ..."US", our Union, our love or security with each other. So these are not issues either.... as all couples go through hard times together... .

I would think when people use the term *ISSUES*... it is someting internal, some contention with each other....a small warring of the heart ....a little too much fighting over the same thing ....a temptation to Avoid each other -to keep the peace (but intimacy suffering), Mismatched libidos, some fighting over $$ , slowly loosing the spark due to a variety of factors... weight gain, resentment, romance took a dive, wanting different things with budding heads. love languages out of sync, etc 

But still in it all.. the Good outweighs the bad. The love is there- just needs actively "worked" on. 

Just heard this song on the radio early this am...turned it up full blast & sang my little heart out -this has always been our attitude ...from early dating to half a dozen kids later.....Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you Honey ~ Danny's Song : Kenny Loggins - YouTube .... I felt every word.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

southbound said:


> I know this is a place where people come with their problems, and that probably causes me to overgeneralize and think every marriage has issues. I've noticed that sometimes people here or in my real life who rate their marriage as good will usually pause and say, "Well, we have our issues, but......." That makes me feel like even though the marriage is good overall, there is some little ongoing issue that keeps a thorn in the side.
> 
> I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?
> 
> ...


We've had issues in our marriage, but compared to things I've read on TAM, our issues were nothing and so minor. Even when I thought our marriage was in a rough spot, it was still better than most marriages that I know of. 

I don't see how it's possible to be married without having some issues. After all we're talking about two separate individual human beings joining their lives together. They won't always grow in the same direction. 

Both people have to value the marriage. One person can't keep the marriage going. You (using a general you here) need to do regular status checks to see if the other person is happy and on the same page with you, and if not, brain storm together for solutions that are mutually satisfying. A lot of people have the sweep under the rug/ignore/conflict avoidance method of dealing with problems and/or they don't communicate clearly and often. Because they don't communicate, little problems become huge, seemingly insurmountable problems. "I told him to take the towel off the bathroom floor" goes to "He clearly doesn't love me. If he loved me he wouldn't keep doing something that irritates me like dropping his towel on the bathroom floor." 

If both people don't value the marriage, it won't work. Think of your marriage like a house. Both people have to keep it secure from outsiders and keep the maintenance of it. If only one person does it, the house can be breached by an intruder (affair partner) or the person doing all upkeep gets tired so he/she wants to leave.

I see our interns at work looking at wedding magazines. They spend thousands of dollars on the wedding, but none of them really have any premarital counseling. None of them (as far as I know) have read any marriage books. They focus so much on the wedding and reception, but so little on the skills that will sustain a marriage long-term. We as a society do a poor job preparing our young people for success in marriage.


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## Nicole01 (Jul 31, 2012)

My husband and I have been married 12 years and never ever had any issues. We are extremely compatible it's scary! I absolutely adore him and he feels the same about me. He truly is my only best friend and I am his. I really can't imagine life without him.

We both work very hard to please each other and meet each others needs. Our marriage has always come first in life.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My thoughts now are, it doesn't matter if it's not all smooth sailing. Within reason, obviously. But as we grow/change as individuals, that in itself isn't always comfortable and smooth....just as couples grow/change, that's not always going to be comfortable and smooth either. 

I did get to the point of thinking in terms of "me" instead of "us" and I agree the unraveling can lead to that, or maybe that leads to the unraveling. Either way, changing and growing as a couple together, looking forward in the same direction, and remembering to be on each others team plays a big part of positively evolving together as a couple.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I would think when people use the term *ISSUES*... it is someting internal, some contention with each other....a small warring of the heart ....a little too much fighting over the same thing ....a temptation to Avoid each other -to keep the peace (but intimacy suffering), Mismatched libidos, some fighting over $$ , slowly loosing the spark due to a variety of factors... weight gain, resentment, romance took a dive, wanting different things with budding heads. love languages out of sync, etc
> 
> But still in it all.. the Good outweighs the bad. The love is there- just needs actively "worked" on.


I agree with this. 

For a long time, I never thought our relationship felt like "work". By the time it did, the cracks had already surfaced and came about when certain factors/life changes were occurring. We reached our 'reset' as I call it. I think a lot of positive came out of that, even though it was hard to go through. He's my best friend. No other knows me like he does and vice verse. I'm honored to go through this journey with him. It's still an ongoing learning together.

And I think a lot is related to our own mindset and behaviors.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

southbound said:


> I know this is a place where people come with their problems, and that probably causes me to overgeneralize and think every marriage has issues. I've noticed that sometimes people here or in my real life who rate their marriage as good will usually pause and say, "Well, we have our issues, but......." That makes me feel like even though the marriage is good overall, there is some little ongoing issue that keeps a thorn in the side.
> 
> I know people don't always agree and they have different opinions, but is there anyone here, or do you know of anyone, who has been married at least 10 years and can say it's all been smooth as a whole and no huge problems have come up?
> 
> ...


I've been married 13 years and I'd say we've had maybe three "major" issues in our marriage, but never major enough to make me consider divorce or to make me doubt that I chose the right person to marry. I have actually enjoyed the "issues", because once the dust has settled, I've learned something about myself and my partner. 

I have an unusual marriage, though, and I think not abiding by more traditional roles has helped a lot. We give each other a lot of space and cheer each other on in meeting our goals. We simply like each other as people and have devoted ourselves to helping each other to meet our goals. We've spent our 13 years taking turns in grad school, traveling around the world, and helping each other to do things we never could've done alone. That's the key, in my opinion; not letting each other fall into standard roles. I think people start to see their spouse as another piece of furniture in the house: dependable and boring. I hope to never see my spouse as anything but a dynamic and interesting person who I choose over and over again.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I asked my husband the other night what HE felt was our biggest ISSUES in marriage...1st he said we never really had any...I reminded him of his silent resentment growing in the past, I asked again.....his answer was... "When you put the babies in bed with us". 

I was not the brightest bulb back then, I was so overwhelmingly THANKFUL for these little gifts of life, after 6 yrs praying to conceive again....I went overboard, walking on those Mommy clouds....I stayed there a good while. 

One night that has lived in his memory .... I was laying there beside him kissing our youngest son over & over







.....I seen he was looking at me...and stupidily I said ... "you're not jealous of the baby, are you?" ....I never meant it in a mean or cold way... it just popped into my head & out it came! Obviously he WAS irritated within...but he was so good at hiding it (darn him!)

- He ended up telling me "No"... he was not jealous. Now there was this mountain opportunity to stir the pot -tell me "LOOK...I love our kids, but I want my wife in bed alone" type thing......instead he decided to silently "seeth". He felt I had a bad attitude when I said it -but I can't remember feeling that way at all -though I do remember saying this. :slap:

My husband is a very very sensitive man, I don't think I realized !! Never in a million yrs would I have thought such a silly comment would HURT him so much -to where he started to just wait for me to initiate sex -half of the time anyway. He still never turned me down...so I still wasn't "getting it" !

Maybe in my subconscious....I was looking to TEST him saying that, to get SOMETHING out of him...women are known for doing this, even if we don't realize we are ...maybe I needed MORE too - but wasn't really in touch with it -all the while using our kids as my "ultimate fullfiller". I can only speculate in hindsight. As he says... all water under the bridge now. 

Learn from us....Don't choose the passive road...I mean we all say stupid things at times! (don't know that this one can ever be helped - at least not for me!).... but let your partner know HOW you are feeling, cause sometimes we are dufasses. 

A little conflict can save years of something that could have been "saved". 

Some women are clueless, not usually my cup of tea, but I sure was back then!!

He also mentioned we were "Work aholics" for too many yrs... We never hired babysitters so when I worked, he'd come home & out the door I flew .....he wanted more time with me.... also we furiously threw ourselves into house projects to save $$....not enough time smelling those roses. 

All of that DID help us get us where we are today , but yet, we "sacrificed" a little of ourselves in the process.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There was a couple who had been married for a long time, 60 years maybe? Something like that.

They asked the wife is she had ever considered divorce during their marriage. Her reply? "Divorce? Never! But murder? Several times!"


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

southbound said:


> I was married 18 years and never thought we had any issues that amounted to a hill of beans. Then, my wife suddenly said she was unhappy and divorced me.


It was 13 years for me but I experienced pretty much the same thing. Coincidentally, shortly after the 'I'm not happy discussion' was the discovery of the rekindled relationship with an old boyfriend. It's difficult to say how much of a factor that was. 

From her side she was unhappy in a bad marriage and reached out to an old friend. That relationship had no impact on ours. I have to think having a shoulder to cry on that supported the contention her husband was an ass for not appreciating her the way he would might have had some impact. Who am I to say? 

To get back to the topic though I think all relationships have issues. It's how those issues get handled that is important. If they're allowed to fester there will be trouble of some sort down the road. If they get brought out into the open, discussed maturely and the appropriate compromises made the relationship will be made that much stronger.


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## rigcol (Jul 24, 2012)

I love TAM for all the insight I gain into relationships. I've been married just shy of 7 years and can't say we haven't had some major blow ups. As a Marine Infantryman with multiple deployments I did not realize what the effects of my experiences were having on my relationship. Add children and it only compounded the friction. 

A common theme on TAM is communication and it was certainly an issue in our marriage. We would wait until something had built up and ultimately turned into a huge fight. I could not stand this anymore and realized I was setting an improper example for my young son and daughter. Initially, I sought help for my inability to sleep and as I met with counselors it was linked to PTSD -- I hate the PTSD thing as I think at times it is just an excuse but anyway ... the beauty of meeting with counselors was it gave me perspective and a venue to explore what I was feeling. More importantly, I shared everything with my wife, where originally I was hesitant to open up about my feelings I let her in completely. Finally, I realized our arguments ultimately devolved into who is right and nothing more. A battle of wills over pretty insignificant things that lead to hurtful words and disrespect.

Do we have issues now? Hell yeah, we're getting ready to move to Okinawa and it has been a pain in the a$$, but the focus is no longer who is right but how do we solve a problem. We also allow each other space to digest a problem and think before things get out of control. 

Finally, I think it is absolutely critical that a couple have the same lifetime goals and look at the world through the same set of 'goggles'. I don't mean that you need to agree on everything but having a common view on how to raise children, lifestyle, boundaries etc is critical.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

rigcol said:


> ...
> 
> Finally, I think it is absolutely critical that a couple have the same lifetime goals and look at the world through the same set of 'goggles'. I don't mean that you need to agree on everything but having a common view on how to raise children, lifestyle, boundaries etc is critical.


:iagree:

and so important to talk about this before you commit to each other.


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## rigcol (Jul 24, 2012)

I agree Advocado, cool name by the way ... my first platoon sergeant gave me the best advice regarding relationships. He would say, don't get wrapped around how hot or sexy a woman is although attraction is important, in the end focus on the person that you can solve more problems with than you create. Joining two lives together creates its own set of problems but if you don't share the same vision eventually you will be pulling in different directions. I am not doing a good job of communicating his wise words but hopefully, you get the picture.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I don't know how you can spend that much time with someone and live that closely and NOT have issues.
I think every couple has issues, its just how many are they and how do they go about resolving them or not allowing them to rule the marriage.
Just my two cents.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> So if these were "issues" - they turned out to be Blessings, stepping stones to a even a greater intimacy in our marriage.


What a beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing.


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## wvsense (Aug 22, 2012)

A marriage takes two people to listen and talk, speak and be heard. Compromises, tolerance, patience, and understanding should be in the equation. I have battled for many years with my husband to stay or go and he has about me too. After 17 years, we still struggle. Raising our only teenage daughter has impacted. I do believe a marriage can be a happy, healthy relationship when both partners can talk and work together and even when disagreements occur that compromises can still be made. But it does take two. For those successful marriages it was two people sharing, caring, loving and devoted and committed to one another. Usually in marriages that dissolve, one person feels they carry all the weight or is the problem solver while the other does not give and take equally or share in the equation. I took my vows seriously as did my husband but not without many issues along the way. We are different and being opposites attract it has made it hard and almost impossible in our marriage at times. But one day at a time but when the pain, hurt, anger, and resentment becomes more than the sharing, caring, happy times then it does become a reality check to stay or go. Effective communication and listening has to occur. Marriage is a committment of two and it takes to make it work. One person can not make a happy or successful marriage. Best wishes to all.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

pplwatching said:


> What a beautiful love story. Thanks for sharing.


I think SA gives me more hope than any other poster, as fantastic as many of those other postes are.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GTdad said:


> I think SA gives me more hope than any other poster, as fantastic as many of those other postes are.


Wow - I say Thank you GTdad & Pplwatching (interesting name there! I am a pplwatcher too).... 

Sometimes I wonder if all this mush I spill may make others feel bad at times ....so to hear something I am saying...even in our story...may give some "*hope*".... that is just very touching to me. 

I try to keep it "REAL"...we've all missed it along the way.....where there is breath, there is Hope -so they say.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Of course, I expect it.

You take two people raised in different homes with different backgrounds, morals, outlooks on life, different goals, etc., and put them together under the same roof and expect them to agree on everything, live happily ever after and have no differing opinions?

I don't know what THAT is, but it isn't marriage.

Of course there are going to be issues and hurdles. The key to a long-term marriage is committment to the marriage, which results in the ability to work things out and be in it for the long haul.

These days, divorce is too easy and sometimes people treat getting married about the same as buying a new car. You test drive it, decide you don't like it and return it to the dealership. Marriage shouldn't be a try-out until something/someone better comes along. But a lot of people are treating it as such these days. 

Perhaps if more people understood those feelings they get and be able to discern if it's LUST or LOVE, they'd figure out that it's not love and they don't need to get married.

I think this one factor dictates a lot of marriages that just shouldn't happen. People can't tell the difference between the two until the newness of the lust wears off and they realize they can't really stand the person they've committed their lives to.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I asked my husband the other night what HE felt was our biggest ISSUES in marriage...1st he said we never really had any...I reminded him of his silent resentment growing in the past, I asked again.....his answer was... "When you put the babies in bed with us".
> 
> I was not the brightest bulb back then, I was so overwhelmingly THANKFUL for these little gifts of life, after 6 yrs praying to conceive again....I went overboard, walking on those Mommy clouds....I stayed there a good while.
> 
> ...


We all make mistakes we wished we could take back.

I find that with AGE, comes WISDOM.

Unfortunately a lot of us marry young when our wisdom is not that great and when we get older we think "if I knew then what I know now". 

I can think of a million things I would have done differently. But then you think--would I be where I am now if I had? It's a catch-22 I think sometimes.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

no i have zero problems

i married a smart and good woman. 

Its truly amazing when you utilize the brain


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Perhaps if more people understood those feelings they get and be able to discern if it's LUST or LOVE, they'd figure out that it's not love and they don't need to get married.
> 
> I think this one factor dictates a lot of marriages that just shouldn't happen. People can't tell the difference between the two until the newness of the lust wears off and they realize they can't really stand the person they've committed their lives to.


I so agree...the newness can be so electrifying that we loose our reason momentarily...high hormones can do that... I'd say my parents dived into marraige for these reasons ...got hitched at 18. They had so little in common, it was a trainwreck -how it even lasted 9 yrs is beyond me. I remember the fighting. I wouldn't say either one of them is impossible to live with (my dad went on to marry her best friend -match made in heaven), but My Moms & his dreams, interests were worlds apart...they even annoyed each other. 



> I can think of a million things I would have done differently. But then you think--would I be where I am now if I had? It's a catch-22 I think sometimes.


 My husband reminds me of your thoughts here many times -his big one is... "we might not have the kids we have today".....his way of saying "snap out of it - we have now, it's all good".


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

As sad as I get at time in my marriage, I try to remind myself what my life was like befire I met my wife. It is easy to forget sometimes.

My wife and daughter went away last weekened. I really missed them. I even went out with friends (some of them women whom I danced with) Cute too...All I was thinking of was my wife.

Yes.... We have so many issues that makes me just want to scream. I don't seem to get the things I crave. I am working on me.

All in all, I think my life is better now than it would be if I didn't meet my wife. Who knows. I could have met somebody with a higher sex drive than me and she would me the one on TAM talking about a LD hubby.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Goldmember357 said:


> no i have zero problems
> 
> i married a smart and good woman.
> 
> Its truly amazing when you utilize the brain


Congratulations--I'm glad things have been great for you and your wife.

But don't discount us others that have had issues, it doesn't mean we aren't utilizing our brains.

Sometimes life throws you curveballs with unexpected financial situations, health crisis, accidents, etc. You can't predict what is going to happen. Life happens and sometimes it's not pretty.

Most of what has happened in my marriage was due to the above that I mentioned and it changed us as people and as a married couple. But we're still here almost 29 years later slugging it out. That to me is true commitment and love--the ability to pull yourself up and overcome.

But glad to hear that you married the right one for you and that things are great.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Sometimes life throws you curveballs with unexpected financial situations, health crisis, accidents, etc. You can't predict what is going to happen. Life happens and sometimes it's not pretty.


 My biggest fears in life are Health crisis's & accidents.... anything to change the "normal" -it only takes a split second & our life & happy family could be changed for ever......nothing beautiful in life is accually "secure" as much as we might hope, pray & wish. 

So what can we do but live life to the fullest & enjoy every moment.

"_We have this moment to hold in our hand, and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand. Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come, but we have this moment today_."


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Congratulations--I'm glad things have been great for you and your wife.
> 
> But don't discount us others that have had issues, it doesn't mean we aren't utilizing our brains.
> 
> ...


the weird part with me is that life didn't throw any of these curve balls, but still, she managed to convince herself that she was unhappy and that the grass would be greener without me.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Advocado said:


> :iagree:
> 
> and so important to talk about this before you commit to each other.


I so desperately wish I had seen this post and website before entering into my second marriage. It's now dawned on me that two perfectly good people can see or approach life so differently as to make them doomed from the start if they ever get married.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

rigcol said:


> Finally, I think it is absolutely critical that a couple have the same lifetime goals and look at the world through the same set of 'goggles'. I don't mean that you need to agree on everything but having a common view on how to raise children, lifestyle, boundaries etc is critical.


:smthumbup:So so true. Knowing what I know now, the importance of time in evaluating and being sure that both of you ARE GENUINELY seeing through the same goggles, have the same broad vision/goal as a family is so crucial. 'Love' makes us hear what we want to hear and see what we only want to see but nothing else.

Courting that great guy or lady makes us be at our most agreeable and best behaviour. I am not sure that these 'fooling the other' can continue for longer than a few months IF both parties are really seeking to identify how well they fit together. Eventually and with healthy amount of time courting plus pre-marital counselling, the real person comes out.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Unfortunately there is no guarantee that a couple starting on the same page will still be on the same page several years down the line.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Almost every marriage has had issues at some time. I think there are some great ones that have no issues of importance. 

They may say well we have our issues..... In reality there is no doubt in their minds that both would do anything for each other and the marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Show me a long term couple with "no issues", and I'll show you a couple buried next to each other at your local neighborhood cemetery. 

I haven't been married 10 years, but I've been with the same woman for 12 years. We have an incredible marriage. I would not be one of those people who say "We're good...well we do have our issues, but who doesn't?". In actuality it just _feels_ like we have very few issues.

Why? Because we have open communication, we are incredibly in love, we forgive easily, we give each other a lot of room to our individual selves, and we spent years working out the kinks in our relationship (which were plentiful because we are VERY different people). It feels like we don't have many major issues because we don't tend to carry our issues with us. To be honest there are a lot of aspects of our relationship that could be potentially huge, enormous, and even detrimental relationship problems, but we our approach renders them pretty much null and void. There is a lightness, and an ease, to our relationship that makes it almost easy to forget how much work it took to get here.


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