# I confessed I'm a WS.



## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

This is my first post. I've been with my wife for 13 years and married for 7 of them. We have a two great kids ages 3 and 6. 
For the majority of our relationship I've worked in Sales and the hours were pretty grueling at 6 days a week and I wouldn't get home until about 8pm. My wife usually goes to bed around 9pm so it didn't really allow for a lot of time together. The one day I had off was usually mid week while she was at work. The money was good and wasn't really an issue until the kids came along. She started to resent the fact that I wasn't around as much to help with chores and kids. It's not like I wasn't willing to help out but she would do everything before I got home so there wasn't much to do at that point. While I thought that I was doing the right thing by help providing for my family I was missing out on her needs as well. Hindsight is 20/20 I guess. She says this resentment helped lose her love for me. She admittedly says that she should have communicated this to me but didn't to avoid confrontation. Her issues regarding this has been a recent revelation. I thought everything was fine because in the little time we did have together I was loving to her and she never rebuffed me. 
But it's been a few years since she would initiate intimacy with me (hugs, kisses, sex). I did express my desire to feel loved by her. Every time I bring it up she says that I'm needy, she's tired from the kids and work, and she wasn't raised in that type of household. Even if all that is true I don't see it as an excuse to withhold affection from your husband...it's vital for a marriage to survive in my opinion.. I initiated everything and it felt like a one way street. 

The lack of affection from her sent me into depression about 18 months ago. I couldn't keep telling her how it was affecting me because we've had that discussions many times and it always ends up in an argument and she feels like quitting because she always fall short of my expectations. To be clear I'm not asking for constant smothering from my wife. She so rarely comes to me for a hug or kiss it actually catches me off guard when she does. 

After 12 faithful years I became a WS. I was super depressed that day and went to my buddy's house for some drinks. Got drunk. A pretty girl went to kiss me and I couldn't resist the attention. I didn't even like her but the attention I loved. I didn't sleep with her but we did make out. I immediately regretted it and I confessed to my wife the next day. I have no excuses for this. 100% my fault. I have not made contact with the other girl since.*

That was a year ago. Since the confession both of our lives have been a living hell. On confession day she said she hasn't loved me for some time. She told me she was done with us...but doesn't want a divorce. I suppose she wants me around to be a father for my kids and to help around the house (I switched jobs and have a more regular M-F so I can actually help now...but now I don't make as much money so now that's an issue). I want to rebuild our relationship. I love her a whole lot. I know...I should have thought about that before I made out with this girl. my wife is on the fence on weather she even wants to try to attempt to rebuild our relationship. She says she has forgiven me but her resentment tells me otherwise.

I try to be as patient as possible as she's asked for space. Most times I'm good at it but every few weeks I want to try and talk about our relationship and it causes arguments. I've pleaded for MC to no avail. She says she needs to work on herself first because she's not happy. She started Prozac last month and says she'll go to IC once a month. 

How long do I let myself be unhappy and in this limbo state? She's a very unforgiving person. Arguments from over a decade ago still irk her. How could she get past this? She doesn't think she'll ever be able to have the type of relationship we had pre kids. We had fun, laughed, snuggled, and enjoyed eachother. I have doubts she'll be able reciprocate a loving relationship with me anymore. I know I messed up and I want to R but she's not open to it. Neither of us are happy (but I want to be with her). Every day that passes R seems less likely and I find myself resenting the fact that she doesn't even know if she wants to try to work on it. Thoughts of filing for divorce have been floating around in my head. It kills me that my kids may end up with divorced parents because of my actions. 
I know the 180 is usually for the BS but could it help in my situation? Are we beyond repair? How long is too long to wait for her to come back to me? Its tough to have to hold myself back from kissing her after we've had a good day or two. I know as the WS I'm not seen in a good light on TAM but any guidance would be appreciated. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If my wife said she didn't love me anymore I would leave. To be honest she has said she didn't know if she had the right kind of love for me 10 years ago. I probably should have left then. The only advice I can give is give her space and don't pressure her about the marriage. When you have gone as long as you can then you can file. You will never force anyone to love you. Oh by the way, don't cheat anymore.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you wondered if she could be having an affair?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you wondered if she could be having an affair?


Oh Shaggy, Shaggy, Shaggy. You're falling for our traditional FNT (Friday Night Troll).

C'mon, man, you're better than that.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> Oh Shaggy, Shaggy, Shaggy. You're falling for our traditional FNT (Friday Night Troll).
> 
> C'mon, man, you're better than that.


You only think I am.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

This has been going on for a year with no end in sight? She has told you she no longer loves you but you are good enough to work, pay the bills while she sits on the fence, i.e. taking time finding herself and probably someone else she is going to be happy with? You take a lower paying job so you can spend more time with your family and she resents that? As in she resents you are home more with your family? Think about that. 

May I suggest you gently shove her a$$ her off the fence by just filing for divorce. I say this because I get that you seem to have genuine remorse over what you did and that you want to fix the marriage but she has checked out of marriage and now you are just a rich roommate who pays her rent. She is holding what happened a year ago like a sword over your head. I think you have tried long enough and your entreaties have been rebuffed. 
A divorce reality will be decision time for her. If you show her you are serious about divorce and moving on then maybe she will serious consider to try to fix the marriage. Actions of course speak louder than words. If she really wants the divorce and refuses to fix the marriage then so be it. Why should you suffer a loveless marriage any longer? 

If you do file for a divorce and it gets finalized 
then she can go look for whatever she needs to look for to find herself and you will be free to meet someone who actually likes you, respects you and wants to kiss you. Someone who initiates affection with you. You will not have to beg for sex from someone who considers you a chore. 

I wish you the best.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Thanks for the advice. I was really hoping she'd come around but it's not happening. It would kill me to not see my kids everyday. I wonder if it's worth it to bite the bullet and live this way so I can be with them. I think we do a pretty good job on focusing on the kids and not letting our situation affect them explicitly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

bmark33 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I was really hoping she'd come around but it's not happening. It would kill me to not see my kids everyday. I wonder if it's worth it to bite the bullet and live this way so I can be with them. I think we do a pretty good job on focusing on the kids and not letting our situation affect them explicitly.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Staying in a loveless, resentment filled marriage "for the sake of the kids" is not necessarily going to be doing them any favors. Not to mention yourselves, especially once the nest is empty.

If you two are determined to not let your own issues effect how you deal with your childrens' welfare, you can do that without having to be together.

You two might find others who you can have healthy and happy relationships with and give your kids a good example of what a functional relationship looks like. Because children are quite perceptive.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Have you wondered if she could be having an affair?


Her schedule is pretty much accounted for so I'm not inclined to think so. No unusual texts/calls on the phone bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bmark33 said:


> But it's been a few years since she would initiate intimacy with me (hugs, kisses, sex). I did express my desire to feel loved by her. Every time I bring it up she says that I'm needy, she's tired from the kids and work, and she wasn't raised in that type of household. Even if all that is true I don't see it as an excuse to withhold affection from your husband...it's vital for a marriage to survive in my opinion.. I initiated everything and it felt like a one way street.





> On confession day she said she hasn't loved me for some time. She told me she was done with us...but doesn't want a divorce. I suppose she wants me around to be a father for my kids and to help around the house.





> I try to be as patient as possible as she's asked for space.


She's a cake eater. Not of the kind of cheaters but a cake eater none the less.


> She doesn't think she'll ever be able to have the type of relationship we had pre kids. We had fun, laughed, snuggled, and enjoyed eachother. I have doubts she'll be able reciprocate a loving relationship with me anymore.


It's white and black thinking, orchestrated in her mind to keep cake eating. She won't put the effort painting this as climbing the Everest when it's not necessaryly so.
Given the loveless marriage you have been enduring any little improvement would be welcomed... but she won't even try the bare minimum.
I wonder why she believes this is all or nothing (limerance vs roomates). I'd put in place some snooping tools to find our why does she have those irrealistic expectations. A keylogger could explain something. Maybe there's nothing to worry about but I'd find out. Nothing to loose at this point.

You did what you had to do, asked for a good while, then confessed immediately what in perspective is a "minor" betrayal, changed work to stay more present, went to MC, reach out help online, keep trying.... Stop. It takes two.
Stop asking, stop engaging, stop expecting. Focus in a bright future with or without her, start moving on, envision a future without her, beieve it. She can join if she wants or get the f0ck out.

It's time to detach, focus on self improvement and think in your options.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I think your mild physical affair gave her an excuse to push you even further away, she was already done, now she has a good reason, she's justified and validated (at least in her mind).

Sounds like your marriage has been over for years.

How long do you stay in limbo? 

Life is short.. every day could be something better. If she's not willing to work on things then you oughta think about making some changes sooner rather than later.


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## bmark33 (Jun 20, 2013)

Acabado said:


> You did what you had to do, asked for a good while, then confessed immediately what in perspective is a "minor" betrayal, changed work to stay more present, went to MC, reach out help online, keep trying.... Stop. It takes two.
> Stop asking, stop engaging, stop expecting. Focus in a bright future with or without her, start moving on, envision a future without her, beieve it. She can join if she wants or get the f0ck out.
> 
> It's time to detach, focus on self improvement and think in your options.


I think you're right...I need to do this. Being the only one fighting for my marriage feels impossible and is completely draining.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Oh Shaggy, Shaggy, Shaggy. You're falling for our traditional FNT (Friday Night Troll).
> 
> C'mon, man, you're better than that.


*Doesn't matter*. A valid, helpful response is available in the future for people suffering the same stuff.


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