# After 21 years of marriage, is it over for us?



## TexasBorn (Sep 13, 2009)

Need to know what to do Here's the situation as succintly as possible: married for over 21 years - my first, his second; one child off at college; my husband travels, and we live surrounded by his family in a rural area. neither of our familes cause any problem in our marriage. in fact, with the exception of sex, i would guess my husband is just as happy as can be. he has his hobbies, and he travels each week for work. we have NO common interests. really we never did. I have always been an accommodator and a "giver." extent of social activities we share are: going to visit his family and .... nothing else. he refuses to go shopping, to a movie, to a festival, or really anywhere with me because his time is so precious at home. he wants to do his amateur archaeology, and his opinion is i can go if i want, or he will go by himself. he tells me all the time how lucky he is to be married to such an attractive, intelliget, fun to be around person who he admires. he just doesn't put his money where his mouth is. right now, it's saturday night, and i sit at home while he is at his retired brother's house playing cards with four other brothers. this is their routine EVERY night, since they are all older than my husband and mostly retired. have tried talking to him, suggesting other activities we could do, complaining, arguing, ignoring him, going with him, and nothing seems to get across my feelings of lonliness and feairs about our marriage ending. we live in such a small area, i haven't confided my SHAM of a marriage fears to my friends or anyone for fear that the gossip mills will run full speed and could hurt me professionally since I teach and everyone around here has about 2 degrees of separation. could ramble on much more, but will see what responses i do or don't receive from this.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Understand totally. 

You must strike out on your own and *make your own life*. Your dh is making it clear his life is just fine like it is. And it is: he is doing HIS thing and happy doing it. It is just that you haven't companionship and someone who considers you.

As I see it you need to lay it on the line and tell him how you feel. If you've done that, without result, then figure out what it is you want to do and go do it...find friends, ANY friend that floats your boat.

It takes two in marriage and he does not appear to be doing his part for you. His loss, not yours. Get your finances in order and make a change. We only go around once, Tex.


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## TexasBorn (Sep 13, 2009)

thanks. it's going to be difficult. found out legal separation isn't recognized in my state; so, getting to work on checking out other legal details. very scary, but i've got to start acknowledging it is what it is.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, my marriage was a lot like yours in some ways--two completely separate people in many ways (although I got to deal with all his problems), and a husband unwilling to adapt to my needs. I have felt nothing but incredible relief since deciding to move on. Best of luck!


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you're obviously not getting the attention you feel you need and deserve in a marriage.

if the time you spent with your hub was emotionally intellectually and physically fulfilling you'd probably have less concern for your discrepancy in social style.

in a relationship if i feel my woman fully supports me, is confident in our relationship going the distance, and is excitingly engaging when we're together, i don't ever worry when she's out 'doing her thing' whatever it may be.

not only am i not worried, i'm happy and pleased she's living her life fully.

i wonder why you say your hub seems satisfied in every way but sex.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

Apparently your husband believes that everything is hunky dory in your marriage, though it is obvious that you see it quite differently. Since he doesn't seem to respond to any of the tactics that you have used, maybe you should take up hobbies of your own and live your own life. Do things that are uncharacteristic for you, maybe that will shock him into reality.

If he really cares about the state of your marriage, that could be a turning point. It can't hurt to try it. Go for the "gusto!"


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Are you really against sharing in his hobby? 

Have you told him how unhappy you are that he won't accomodate any togetherness on things you enjoy? I mean such that you're seriously reconsidering whether you'd like to be married? Does he know how grave the situation has become for you?


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## caritas (Apr 10, 2010)

To change things in the rural should be difficult. Find hobbies for yourself that makes you hard to spare time to set aside for him.


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