# I need to get out



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

and have some fun. I have caught myself overthinking, overjudging myself, and believing that any course of action I force myself into has more say than a higher power's intentions for me. Yes, the solution for all that is to get out and stop being so f*cking uptight.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I do too. 
But im seriously not very good company at the moment. 
Raincheck?


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

Well that makes 3 of us! I was asked the other day if I had gone on a date yet. Say what? May be over a year into separation but still legally married. Process to change that has been started. After that's done, then I'll think about dating, maybe.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What's a date?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Oh, I've been out. It's just not been entirely fun.
I was having fun, up until the point where I found the guy I was seriously dating in a coma (brain hemorrhage.) Then I was getting taken out by his friend, which has been okay, but a complete dead end with regards to dating except for social time, to be honest I was waiting it out on my guy...but have decided it's in my best interests to completely leave that to a higher power and just get about with my own business. Decided not to go back to the dance studio, not to send him any more letters or emails (I think his sister/guardian intercepts all those) not to ask anyone who can visit him how he's doing, etc. Finished. I have no set agenda or outcome in mind for how that story will end other than how it already DID. I decided to be at peace with it. It's been a year since I had met him at the ballroom dance studio. I still like dancing, so will probably just switch studios, and get back to the theater to volunwork, get to the Y more often, etc. My summer research job is taking up a lot of my time. Hopefully it will ease up a bit.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> What's a date?


Not real sure of that myself. Been 25 yrs since I had a date, at least I think it was a date. Da*n, now I'm not sure!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I would honestly settle for some fun that didn't involve kids...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I need a serious fun partner. My former boyfriend's friend is fun enough but his sense of time is horrible and he's like I was, stuck on honor and would 'be in a deep despair' if he acted on how he felt about me. What a p*ssy. Honestly. It's not as though my former boyfriend is really going to get better and give a sh*t. His sister has guardianship of him, seeing me is not an option, and it will take a miracle if he gets guardianship over himself again any time within the next year, or two, or three. Even if he did his family is a deal breaker. There's loads of them and they're not going to just disappear. He didn't tell me about them until after we'd committed. Personally I think they're the source of the anger and frustration that made him blow his gaskets and almost die. 

Then there is a friend who is a self-professed monk. He spends so much time making peace for everyone that he never advocates for himself. He was engaged to someone for a year and a half and she broke it off with him because he wasn't Catholic. OK, he got burned. She married someone else and is busy like a bunny making lots of babies, as many as they can, and has kept friend as a friend/back up guy. He is a nice guy but frustrating as all sh*t, he'll spend time with me but doesn't have the b*lls to ask me out. 

Then there is the guy who was showing up to take a dance class with me. Out of dance class passive as all heck. Nice but way too nice, although he said he goes out club dancing with his friends...no invite to me. I think he likes to hang with guys and have his pick of the ladies and doesn't want to give it up. OK then. 

My Cuban friend disappeared. I think he is finishing up his graduate thesis. He lives way too far away and is too flightly for me...

I never thought my issue would be knowing too many men too well to be pretty well peeved at all of them. In effect, they are all too freakin' nice, they all know what happened to my guy and don't want to be the one he deals with if he gets better, the risk of making any move at all is that they'll give the appearance of taking advantage of a bad situation for personal gain. Judgemental, judgemental, judgemental. I stopped judging myself. I just let it go. The guy had a brain hemorrhage. It was serious. He's not available and yes we had talked marriage but it wasn't solidified so there it is. 

Weird so many people told me to move on, and not to judge myself...now that I have it seems everyone else is stuck in the past. wtf? It's not that I'm uncaring or unfaithful, it's just that I can care but know 100% that nothing I can do is going to change the sitaution or the outcome. Being faithful isn't here or there. We're not currently in a relationship, his sister is his guardian and she chose to end the relationship. I've been dumped, for all practical purposes, by proxy. It is what it is. As my friend told me, what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I might as well have some fun while I'm not getting killed.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I just wish I remembered how to have fun.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I highly recommend Club Med in the Turks&Caicos when finances permit. I only get this one week all year when i can get away and i dont regret it. Otherwise, I am in the dumps most of the time like most of you here.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I see a lot of regret and blaming others in your story Uno. Perhaps you're not ready to take the initiative and date so soon. I just don't think you've had enough time to recover and heal. 

If you disagree with me then try to rework your past and think of another way you'd approach others. For instance you know guys are quite often oblivious to subtle signs, so you have to be a little more obvious about wanting to spend time together. And leave your exH and comatose ex a secret. You don't want to play the pity card right off the bat or turn guys off that may get the wrong idea about you.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Nsweet said:


> I see a lot of regret and blaming others in your story Uno. Perhaps you're not ready to take the initiative and date so soon. I just don't think you've had enough time to recover and heal.
> 
> If you disagree with me then try to rework your past and think of another way you'd approach others. For instance you know guys are quite often oblivious to subtle signs, so you have to be a little more obvious about wanting to spend time together. And leave your exH and comatose ex a secret. You don't want to play the pity card right off the bat or turn guys off that may get the wrong idea about you.


I live in a small town, near a small city. The guys I have been 'dating' know about my ex and that whole year he was deployed during which I was struggling to recover from a brain injury (check, mostly successful) and learning that he'd been lying to me and abusive (cehck, completed therapy). Then everyone knew about me and my friend because it's sort of a thing everyone knows about when you find a guy in a coma in your bed where he was supposedly going to sleep off a migraine stress headache. 

I agree about the subtle hints. The feedback that I got from the guy I'm really interested in is that he would be in dark despair if he stole his friend's girlfriend, even though I made it clear I am moving on and not trying to have any kind of outcome to that relationship that ended when his sister got guardianship and decided to end it. But then he did say he would go visit him to try to figure out prognosis. We've been going out at least once a week and spent a lot of hours on the phone. He was very supportive through the whole thing and knows exactly what I've been through. The way he dealt with everything was really attractive. The fact that he has qualms about a relationship because of feeling guilty just makes him all the more attractive. Catch-22 I guess. He's never hid how he feels about me, but I have a feeling it's really messing with him, the best thing to do is just not to call or email him and let him figure it out, go for a visit, etc.

My other friend had relied on me to keep showing up at the dance studio where he teaches, but when I disappeared off of Facebook (I closed my account due to privacy concerns, wanting more privacy, you think?) he texted and I confirmed yes, no FB account and what I said about not going back to the studio but wanting to get out and dance elsewhere and not to be a stranger, to use my number, he said okay. Historically however he gets very busy with his work (2 jobs and a business) and his daughter (teen) and might not issue any invitation because he is very hard up for money...however he's told me that and I still told him not to be a stranger. I've known him for a year, I met him and the guy I'd been seeing at the same time. Initially he would always act out, do something silly, when we were hanging out together at the studio or dancing. Now that he's comfortable around me, he doesn't do that so much. It was really irritating sometimes, to be having a good time and then have to deal with the silly act, glad it abated. When we get together we have a good time, but the social space we exist in was not one where you could, say, date and then break up, without it being awkward. And again, there's dating someone you've been attracted to that now is available to you only because the competition went down and almost died. From a guy's perspective...and if there's any chance of the guy coming back, nobody wants to be that guy who stole the woman, even if the woman declared herself single. It just looks bad.

The other guy knew I was with the guy who ended up in a coma. Plus the woman at the studio who went off on me verbally probably fed him false information about me when she realized that we became dance partners. Meddling. If that's the case and he didn't take the time to talk to me about it, but just believed what someone else said, he's off my list. I prefer people who make their own decisions and discuss things that might bother them.

My problem is that all the guys I know have this sense of honor. I should be grateful. However, it doesn't do me any good. 

Oh, then there's the guy who was attracted to me before I even started dating the guy who went into a coma. Instead of asking for my number and asking me out, he hedged, and then in the interim started dating his dance partner, who lives in my town. He wanted to date me too so I said yes, we could go out sometimes, then he said he couldn't cheat on his current girlfriend after all. But he's been doing that all along. I think what he meant was that he was peeved because I was okay with him dating me and dating other people, not jealous enough for his taste I suppose, he wanted someone who would beg him to be exclusive. WTF? I don't have a problem if a 54 year old man is dating multiple women, I had no intentions of having sex with him, just going out. If he'd wanted sex he would have had to be exclusive and honestly, after I got to know him a bit, that wasn't going to happen, nice to know I didn't fit the bill for his M.O.  I did get some insight into what my ex had been doing all those years. 

Nope, history cannot be hidden where I live. It doesn't work that way around here. I was crazy about my guy friend, and from what I heard he was crazy about me. Maybe it just s*cks from a guy's perspective to feel like you're second pick, even though it's not that way at all. I think other people are still stuck in some kind of constructive narrative in their heads that he is going to get better and come looking for me. Or the risk of having to deal with the situation if that happens is way too much for the one guy I've spent so much time with. He really needs to go visit and see what's what. For me, I can't, so I'm going to make decisions on my day to day experience, and I don't see my guy here, what I see is he's in another state and his sister has guardianship and decied no relationship and that guardianship will go on for at least a year, maybe more. Even when it stops there are still his entire family and his acquaintances to consider, I don't want to be around some of them. They're dealbreakers. He would admit before that they were a huge hassle, but never had the guts to set boundaries or to limit their legal authority in case he had some kind of emergency. So there are consequences to that. Which, unfortunately, he is experiencing. 

Living in a small town is tough. While people are really supportive, you can have all kinds of people making decisions for you based on how they perceive a sitaution. It's nice, but really, there are limits. My landlord is different, he has been through a lot, and was the first to say it's time to move on. Easier said than done. It's one thing to stop judging myself and to blow off anyone who does. But other people do judge themselves. And there is no way to keep anything secret around here.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sigh. I think I'll call my Cuban friend. 
At least he likes to do the Bachata. 
And he promised to cook dinner for me.


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