# My GF's (Soon to be Ex) Killed Himself, Advice?



## TeesJeep1

Hi everyone,
My GF and I met on a dating site and instantly bonded. I found out on our 1st date that she was in the process of a divorce. I asked all the questions that I could to determine that this was a permanent thing. we live in NC and it takes 1 year to complete a divorce. Her husband was volatile, bi-polar, alcoholic and did drugs. Our relationship was different from anything I have ever experienced. We devolved our friendship equally with love. She has a 16 yr old daughter and 13 yr old son. I have a 9 yr old daughter and 8 yr old son. I am divorced. During the process of dating her the last 4 months we have dealt with her husbands vol ital nature, stalking and anger issues as he sees his own GF. This is why she has left him all the reasons I just described. Recently, he lost his job and and told her he was finally moving out on a permanent basis so she could spend more time with the kids, she had briefly moved out while getting a restraining order for him. Her and my children adore/love each other as I do her and vice versa. It may still be early but we have a very strong connection. Next it is Monday and he was supposed to be out looking for a job, instead he gets in a car accident and then shoots himself in the head while waiting for police to arrive. Not sure if had threatened suicide before this. She left to be by his side in the hospital and now has been with his family in mourning the last 5 days along with her 2 children. Tomorrow she will bury him and I will say I do feel guilty to a degree as she probably does. We spoke briefly, daily until today. The wake was today funeral tomorrow. Any advice on how I should/shouldn't proceed forward? :frown2:


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## EleGirl

Since her divorce had been filed before you met her, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty for.

He was seeing someone else, right? Did he cheat during the marriage or only start dating after the divorce is filed?

He was clearly a troubled man. Often, part of the motivation to commit suicide is to punish someone with guilt. Sounds like it's working. I hope that the two of you can work through this.


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## TeesJeep1

He was seeing someone. He had cheated on her a few times. She had told me the 1st time it happened, she did after the fact as well. He was 41 she is 35. 1st time it happened she was 25. So he cheated during the marriage. 
We will work through this, I am sure. Just looking for some guidance and knowledge. It is a challenge at this point. She just texted in and said the children were asking how exactly the death occurred. 
Any advice on what to say to them and why that suggestion?


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## Seasong

Jeep,
So sorry you are here for this reason. Yes, her teens deserve to know the truth. They most likely already knew he had dealt with mental health issues. They need to know it wasn't their fault, that they couldn't have prevented it and he wasn't thinking right. If they ask more questions, she can answer as they ask. 
This will affect your children as well. The entire relationship will be changed. Do not be jealous if she mourns him. And help her get her kids in therapy if possible. So sorry.


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## TeesJeep1

Thank you for your response. Telling them at the funeral could be very difficult but I will relay the message. It has already affected my children and I. By chance we were already seeing a couples therapist because we had both been through difficult relationships so we want a strong foundation. As far the our relationship goes, I feel things will play its course and I am accepting of this as I suppose she is as well. She has mourned him and I support that 110%. For her not too would very uncomfortable for me and would be just plain weird. I have already found a therapist, just need to get her approval on that. 
I will update tomorrow what happens after the funeral.


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## EleGirl

I would not tell the children at the funeral. It needs to be done well before or after. 

Since the funeral is tomorrow, just telling them that there was an accident and she will talk to them at length a day or so after the funeral. Things are most likely too charged right now.

Also, who is talking at the funeral. Will they be saying that it was a suicide? 

One of my nephews died. The police mistakenly reported it as a suicide but it was later determined that someone put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. But at the funeral, the priest/minister (don’t' know which) started talking about her son's sin of suicide. She was furious. And now she cannot roll back that narrative with most of the people who were at the funeral. What does she do? Send out a memo... "Oh just to let you know, the priest is a jerk and told you all something untrue?" There is coming back from that. For children, having that told at a funeral, true or not, is a stigma that they will have a problem handling.


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## TeesJeep1

EleGirl said:


> I would not tell the children at the funeral. It needs to be done well before or after.
> 
> Since the funeral is tomorrow, just telling them that there was an accident and she will talk to them at length a day or so after the funeral. Things are most likely too charged right now.
> 
> Also, who is talking at the funeral. Will they be saying that it was a suicide?
> 
> One of my nephews died. The police mistakenly reported it as a suicide but it was later determined that someone put a gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. But at the funeral, the priest/minister (don’t' know which) started talking about her son's sin of suicide. She was furious. And now she cannot roll back that narrative with most of the people who were at the funeral. What does she do? Send out a memo... "Oh just to let you know, the priest is a jerk and told you all something untrue?" There is coming back from that. For children, having that told at a funeral, true or not, is a stigma that they will have a problem handling.


Glad someone else agreed with that sentiment. I did not feel good about telling her to tell them at the funeral. Any advice on what to do or not do when she comes back to town? I was going to propose to her that I help with her children as far as daily duties go until she feels well enough to that on her own. Also wanted to suggest taking her and her children to a local therapist as well as to my church which has some counseling available. Thoughts?


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## Seasong

HI Jeep
I didn't mean to imply you tell them at the funeral. I must have misread what you wrote. It would have been better to have let them know the truth before, so that if anyone there talks about it, they don't hear it in total surprise.
Yes, you can make those suggestions if she is open to them. My kids lost their father unexpectedly (we had been divorced for a few years and he was remarried). Only one of mine was open to therapy (middle child, a teen).
But all three have deep faith and relied on that. I didn't force my youngest, who was a preteen but she came to me when sadness overwhelmed her. My oldest was already out on his own. I was dating at the time and that helped me. My ex had many issues as well.
You can also help her get the kids signed up for social security death benefits. The sooner she gets started, the sooner they will get benefits started. She can file too if the marriage was ten or more years. I never filed for myself since I am disabled but it helped out with the kids.
I hope all goes as well as it can for her family and yours.


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## switcher

You could say you're partially responsible because he felt he was being replaced and that put him over the edge.

That's why you're not supposed to date married people.


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## LucasJackson

I don't want to seem insensitive but it's a positive development for you. He would have been a challenge to your relationship forever. He's dead now. After the shock of that wears off you two will be in an even better place. For now just be there for her emotionally to work through it and you two will come out the other side golden.


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## switcher

Don't expect her to just bounce right back from the death of her ex.

It's going to stir up lots of sheat.


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## TeesJeep1

Thank you.


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## TeesJeep1

.


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## TeesJeep1

LucasJackson said:


> I don't want to seem insensitive but it's a positive development for you. He would have been a challenge to your relationship forever. He's dead now. After the shock of that wears off you two will be in an even better place. For now just be there for her emotionally to work through it and you two will come out the other side golden.


Love positive affirmations. Thank you for that. I would never wish death on anyone and if it was possible it would be great to have him back alive, I have learned a lot more about him since his passing, was an unstable yet good person in general it seems.


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## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> He was seeing someone. He had cheated on her a few times. She had told me the 1st time it happened, *she did after the fact as well*. He was 41 she is 35. 1st time it happened she was 25. So he cheated during the marriage.
> We will work through this, I am sure. Just looking for some guidance and knowledge. It is a challenge at this point. She just texted in and said the children were asking how exactly the death occurred.
> Any advice on what to say to them and why that suggestion?


Hold up.....


She cheated on him too? What kind of affair was it? A revenge affair? Long term or one-night-stand? 


Did she ever cheat on him at any other time in their marriage? I have a gut twinge that you are not getting the whole story.


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## TheTruthHurts

I would consult the school psychologist - they can provide guidencr


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TeesJeep1

switcher said:


> You could say you're partially responsible because he felt he was being replaced and that put him over the edge.
> 
> That's why you're not supposed to date married people.


Married or not. Me or someone else it really does not matter. This man was capable of doing this to himself, so, what was he capable of doing to his family. He had no regard for his life so he had even less for others. I will take the blame if needed, although it is not mine to take. I can not him or you do anything you do not want to do. Thank you though, I suppose, for thinking or implying that I have that kind of power. I meant that with all seriousness.


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## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> Hold up.....
> 
> 
> She cheated on him too? What kind of affair was it? A revenge affair? Long term or one-night-stand?
> 
> 
> Did she ever cheat on him at any other time in their marriage? I have a gut twinge that you are not getting the whole story.


Bandit
Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?


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## TeesJeep1

TheTruthHurts said:


> I would consult the school psychologist - they can provide guidencr
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She asked me that tonight and I consulted with 2 psychiatrists today that are in a networking group I belong too and they both advised to wait until the children and her are with a counselor that could help them relay the message more tactfully.


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## TeesJeep1

She is driving back today and it is now about 6:15 EST. I am a bit anxious to actually hear her voice again since it has been over a week. Any suggestions on what to talk about or not to talk about when I hear from her? I really am nervous and not understanding exactly why.


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## TeesJeep1

Well. Looks like I will need to wait for another night. Her family and friends were at her house and she said she was exhausted and wants to talk tomorrow instead. So tomorrow it is.


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## TeesJeep1

Finally was able to speak on the phone with her today. She seams to be in good spirits and she is not feeling guilty she feels mad at him for doing what he did. I feel that is correct.


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## Ceegee

TeesJeep1 said:


> Bandit
> Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?




It most certainly is your business. 

Deal with the present for now but you need to find the facts here. 

Every relationship has some unhappiness. You need to know if she deals with this unhappiness with cheating. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars

Blended families.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly combined in one common Containment Urn.

Time is your friend....as unsettled business drops down to the bottom of the Urn, no longer close, no longer scratching.

The scratching yet rages.
@TeesJeep1........Go slow, learn all that you can about her. Do not commit. Trust, but verify.

You have just come out from the wilderness with your own marriage. 

Everyone puts up a good face in the early stages. Listen to @bandit.45 stomach grumbling.

His concern may be that she fed his anxiety. We do not know. We are super sensitive to Gaslighting on this blog.

Dig up the bones. Analyse the past.

Good Luck!


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## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> Bandit
> Thank you for paying attention. While that is something I could contemplate, it really is not my business at this point. Although, it is an important fact to know, I will concern myself with the present situation because I want to make sure they are comfortable. When things settle down I will readdress that. My thoughts are that they were not happy so the last thing I want to give more attention to is the unhappiness. I prefer to move forward. Your thoughts?


At this time don't mention it. Best thing to do is stay back and let her and the kids grieve and do what they need to do. Stay frosty and and don't make a nuisance out of yourself. Definitely don't be needy. 

Later on, however, if you and her continue to get more serious, her past history is indeed your business. This isn't your first stroll down marital lane, and its not hers either. You got burned in your last marriage and you have every right to make sure that doesn't happen again. If the two of you were both single, never been married before, then yeah...I could see her not having to share every detail of her past frolics with you. But she was a married woman and how she behaved during that marriage becomes your concern if your plan is to tie the knot with her. You told us that she admitted to cheating or having some kind of revenge affair on her husband. What was the nature of that affair? Was it the only one? Was it a long term affair or a ONS? I think these are perfectly legitimate questions to ask her. If she loves and respects you and wants to go into a deeper relationship with no bones in the closet, then she should be willing to be honest with you. If not, then that is a sign she will not make a trustworthy partner.

A marriage is a contract...a business partnership. If you were the president of a corporation, and you were considering merging with another company, the first thing you would do is have your lawyer do a credit check, bankruptcy search, audit history, and outstanding lien report done on that company to make sure they are a legit operation. You would investigate every nook and cranny of that company's past business dealings before making your decision. Because the decision you make affects so many people, not just yourself. Well, marriage is no different. 

See, to me, your relationship with her has REBOUND written all over it. These relationships rarely ever work out in the long run, because the two people tend to rush in without doing the required reconnaissance on each other up front. I recommend you slow down and back off. Back way way off and let her and the kids get settled into their new reality. Help them when they ask for it, but I wouldn't extend yourself out too far. Then take your time. Wait several months and see where the relationship goes. And do not let her rush you or take advantage of you.


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## TeesJeep1

Ceegee said:


> It most certainly is your business.
> 
> Deal with the present for now but you need to find the facts here.
> 
> Every relationship has some unhappiness. You need to know if she deals with this unhappiness with cheating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thanks for the response. After spending time with her on Thursday morning and evening mainly having sex, I noticed feeling a bit disconnected with her and a bit uncomfortable. We did spend a little time speaking about her feelings and his death. I learned that her best friend was with her the whole time and that the best friend seems to be a bit enamored with my GF. Also the best friend seemed a bit surprised at our level of level and intimacy and it offended her, the bf. I learned about all this on Thursday evening because they were both drunk when I arrived and we spent a few hours getting to know each other. I also learned that Friday was my GF wedding Anniversary of 18 years which led to another day of reflection for her, thank God though she realized alcohol was not making this better. I really want my GF to recover as best as possible from this so I chose to do something special for the day and to commemorate there anniversary, I hired a local musician to come over and sing song a few songs at her doorstep about breathing. She loved it. At that same time she let me know finally that she felt we needed some time apart to heal. I agreed and now it's Saturday morning and the process has begun. I really feel that I needed her to say something to me about needing the time apart because I honestly was to selfish to do it on my own. Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?


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## TeesJeep1

SunCMars said:


> Blended families.
> 
> The Good, the Bad and the Ugly combined in one common Containment Urn.
> 
> Time is your friend....as unsettled business drops down to the bottom of the Urn, no longer close, no longer scratching.
> 
> The scratching yet rages.
> @TeesJeep1........Go slow, learn all that you can about her. Do not commit. Trust, but verify.
> 
> You have just come out from the wilderness with your own marriage.
> 
> Everyone puts up a good face in the early stages. Listen to @bandit.45 stomach grumbling.
> 
> His concern may be that she fed his anxiety. We do not know. We are super sensitive to Gaslighting on this blog.
> 
> Dig up the bones. Analyse the past.
> 
> Good Luck!


Thank for the response. I am listening at this point and gathering the information. She feels like I am being over judgmental. That's ok because I wanted to be sure I had the information correct so that any conclusions I make are clear.


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## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> At this time don't mention it. Best thing to do is stay back and let her and the kids grieve and do what they need to do. Stay frosty and and don't make a nuisance out of yourself. Definitely don't be needy.
> 
> Later on, however, if you and her continue to get more serious, her past history is indeed your business. This isn't your first stroll down marital lane, and its not hers either. You got burned in your last marriage and you have every right to make sure that doesn't happen again. If the two of you were both single, never been married before, then yeah...I could see her not having to share every detail of her past frolics with you. But she was a married woman and how she behaved during that marriage becomes your concern if your plan is to tie the knot with her. You told us that she admitted to cheating or having some kind of revenge affair on her husband. What was the nature of that affair? Was it the only one? Was it a long term affair or a ONS? I think these are perfectly legitimate questions to ask her. If she loves and respects you and wants to go into a deeper relationship with no bones in the closet, then she should be willing to be honest with you. If not, then that is a sign she will not make a trustworthy partner.
> 
> A marriage is a contract...a business partnership. If you were the president of a corporation, and you were considering merging with another company, the first thing you would do is have your lawyer do a credit check, bankruptcy search, audit history, and outstanding lien report done on that company to make sure they are a legit operation. You would investigate every nook and cranny of that company's past business dealings before making your decision. Because the decision you make affects so many people, not just yourself. Well, marriage is no different.
> 
> See, to me, your relationship with her has REBOUND written all over it. These relationships rarely ever work out in the long run, because the two people tend to rush in without doing the required reconnaissance on each other up front. I recommend you slow down and back off. Back way way off and let her and the kids get settled into their new reality. Help them when they ask for it, but I wouldn't extend yourself out too far. Then take your time. Wait several months and see where the relationship goes. And do not let her rush you or take advantage of you.


Thank you for the response.
Your advice is exactly the way I have to go. Mainly because there was very few options left for me. In a conversation we had in the evening I did mention to her that I felt a bit used, she was not happy with that allegation but she understands that I am a direct person. I was and am a bit needy. I have chosen to step away from that and give my focus back to me, my family and work while we take this break, it will be the only way to see whats really there because the dust needs to settle. I can't say that I am not happy about this. I am looking forward to this break. My neediness was disturbing me and I really did not know what to do with it. Now I get to figure it out.


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## caruso

Sometimes you need to not say anything and just let things run their natural course.


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## SunCMars

TeesJeep1 said:


> Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?


Not judging her? Not putting her under a microscope?

You HAVE TO do these things before you commit to a life with her.

You do not have to share your findings, your opinions, your future actions concerning this fact finding mission [on and about.. her]. 

However, in the interim, you do not want to drive her away.....yet...or maybe never.

If she is the right women for you, it will be revealed.

I would do a two year courtship with her.

That should air out the closet.

Don't go West...East....South...or North........GO SLOW!


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## TeesJeep1

SunCMars said:


> Not judging her? Not putting her under a microscope?
> 
> You HAVE TO do these things before you commit to a life with her.
> 
> You do not have to share your findings, your opinions, your future actions concerning this fact finding mission [on and about.. her].
> 
> However, in the interim, you do not want to drive her away.....yet...or maybe never.
> 
> If she is the right women for you, it will be revealed.
> 
> I would do a two year courtship with her.
> 
> That should air out the closet.
> 
> Don't go West...East....South...or North........GO SLOW!


Thank you for the advice.


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## TeesJeep1

Today she decided not to answer any text messages from me. I think she is taking the time to her self whether I like it or not. I do not find it fair after standing by her side from day 1 that she just ignores me. Call me selfish but it does not feel good, not 1 bit.


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## bandit.45

I think it's over my friend. I'm sorry but I do think you need to move on. She used you as a crutch and a soft pad to get over her divorce, and now that the source of her unhappiness has died, she doesn't need you as a buffer anymore. 

I was once used in the same way by a woman a couple years ago and it hurts bad. Once my usefulness to her was at an end I was handed my hat. I know it hurts, but it is good you are finding this out about her now and not later.


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## TeesJeep1

I find hard to believe that I would attract someone so shallow and callous. It is not who I am nor is it in my nature. I want to believe something else, something different. I know I do not feel like it is over. I still feel adamant and confident the we have a future together..


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## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> I find hard to believe that I would attract someone so shallow and callous. It is not who I am nor is it in my nature. I want to believe something else, something different. I know I do not feel like it is over. I still feel adamant and confident of having a future with her.


It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it. 

You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."

Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.


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## arbitrator

bandit.45 said:


> It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it.
> 
> You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."
> 
> Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.


*Weve got something in common, Bandito! And you were one of my most revered and respected "coaches!"

In my heart, I now know that my RSXW was much that way and I was just too damned stupid/naïve to rationally or objectively realize it!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam

TeesJeep1 said:


> Today she decided not to answer any text messages from me. I think she is taking the time to her self whether I like it or not.


You both agreed to take a break from each other, so stop texting her for now. It comes across as needy and clingy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BobSimmons

My two cents..if this is true..her husband, a possessive ogre has killed himself. She spent a lot of time with the dude and he did that. Here she is in another relationship and it may just be too much for her thus her distance.

Doesn't help that the OP seems to be clingy and needy, surely if you're such a nice guy and profess to want the best for her then all your supposed help should be out of the kindness of your heart..no?

She wants space but you're sending her texts then acting hurt when she doesn't reply. Sort of thinking, again if this is true that she's dealing with the fallout of the suicide not just on her but on her children as well seeing as they've also lost their father.

Give her space and let her deal with everything. To be honest your relationship looks to be over as it seemed it was a rebound relationship in the first place.

And yes she maybe "selfish" but something cataclysmic just upturned her world, it's barely been a week. Doesn't she deserve to be "selfish" just to reassess her life?

Let her breathe man.


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## TeesJeep1

BobSimmons said:


> My two cents..if this is true..her husband, a possessive ogre has killed himself. She spent a lot of time with the dude and he did that. Here she is in another relationship and it may just be too much for her thus her distance.
> 
> Doesn't help that the OP seems to be clingy and needy, surely if you're such a nice guy and profess to want the best for her then all your supposed help should be out of the kindness of your heart..no?
> 
> She wants space but you're sending her texts then acting hurt when she doesn't reply. Sort of thinking, again if this is true that she's dealing with the fallout of the suicide not just on her but on her children as well seeing as they've also lost their father.
> 
> Give her space and let her deal with everything. To be honest your relationship looks to be over as it seemed it was a rebound relationship in the first place.
> 
> And yes she maybe "selfish" but something cataclysmic just upturned her world, it's barely been a week. Doesn't she deserve to be "selfish" just to reassess her life?
> 
> Let her breathe man.


Bobsimmons, thank you for your straight forward comments. I know for a fact that I am being clingy & needy. I too have been affected by this mans death, as have my children, of course not as much as there family. Suicide affects everyone near and far. I know she needs the space and that's why I made the choice distance myself last night. Not all of us "get" things right away. When you are in the eye of the storm it is hard too see light at times. Here is the next part, I don't feel used, I gained a lot from this relationship, she helped me with things I didn't know emotionally that I needed help with. We actually want this relationship to be so strong that 1 month into it we decided together to go see a relationship coach because we knew that our past relationships were not the way too go. We knew the euphoria we were feeling could wear off and then reality might set in that we still had some things to work on. None if this was an act, I feel it was genuine.
I will give her the space she needs for as long as she needs it.
I feel and believe that we will find our way back to each other if that's how things should be.
I do miss her, but more importantly, I want to see her and her family happy and healthy.


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## TeesJeep1

happy as a clam said:


> You both agreed to take a break from each other, so stop texting her for now. It comes across as needy and clingy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the response Happy. 
You guys have no idea how much help you all have been in this process. It's a bit embarrassing sharing some of these things. 
As far as leaving her alone goes, it's done. I have now backed away and have chosen not to communicate anymore.


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## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> It's not shallow or callous. Just selfish. It's not that she does not have affection for you, it's just that the affection she had for you had a finite statute of limitations. You just weren't made aware of it.
> 
> You were her stand-in placeholder husband while she was detaching from her real husband. You served your purpose and it is time for you to go now. "Shoo shoo! Go away..."
> 
> Seriously, walk away and don't look back. Take her number off your phone and block her calls. She's a proven cheater anyway. And I guarantee you only got a tenth of the whole story. Why would you want a woman like this? Don't let her back in. Just walk away from it.


I will give this idea some thought.


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## Seasong

Hi jeep,
I hope you're holding up. One thing that stood out to me is that you called her selfish. You also mentioned that you and your kids were grieving as well. Regarding that, there is no comparison so if you expect her to comfort you, you are asking too much. You guys didn't lose anyone.
And calling her selfish for whatever reason makes no sense during these early days.
My boyfriend (now husband) was a great source of comfort, mainly because he was there when we could steal a moment but the kids came first because they were grieving hard in the early days and first 3-4 months. I was long divorced and didn't cry until about six months later other than the first day, and that was for my kids.

He helped there too. He's a widower so that helped, has no kids of his own.
If you haven't been in contact, maybe a card to acknowledge her pain, and take back the selfish comment, with no expectation of a response. If that had been said to me I'd have never looked back.

Of course, others are giving you advice to examine the entire relationship. Me, I'm trying to look out for everyone in the moment. Peace to you.


----------



## TeesJeep1

Seasong said:


> Hi jeep,
> I hope you're holding up. One thing that stood out to me is that you called her selfish. You also mentioned that you and your kids were grieving as well. Regarding that, there is no comparison so if you expect her to comfort you, you are asking too much. You guys didn't lose anyone.
> And calling her selfish for whatever reason makes no sense during these early days.
> My boyfriend (now husband) was a great source of comfort, mainly because he was there when we could steal a moment but the kids came first because they were grieving hard in the early days and first 3-4 months. I was long divorced and didn't cry until about six months later other than the first day, and that was for my kids.
> 
> He helped there too. He's a widower so that helped, has no kids of his own.
> If you haven't been in contact, maybe a card to acknowledge her pain, and take back the selfish comment, with no expectation of a response. If that had been said to me I'd have never looked back.
> 
> Of course, others are giving you advice to examine the entire relationship. Me, I'm trying to look out for everyone in the moment. Peace to you.


Thank you for your comment Seasong. I have realized some things as of late. The first 1 being that there is no need for the selfish comment although I know I am and I am ok with that. On the other hand I have never used that word with her, I might express it on here but I am certainly not going to say that to her. As far as her and I go I am just taking it 1 day at a time even though there is no communication.


----------



## Seasong

TeesJeep1 said:


> Lastly we had a discussion for about and hour on things we felt each other needed to work on, I asked her to work on her selfishness and she asked to work on not putting her under a microscope and judging her. Now I will have to let it be for a bit. I am realizing that I ham acting codependent with her and want to work on that. Any suggestion on what to work on and or what to do?


Hi Jeep
This is what I had in mind in my last response. Either way, one can only hope she is managing her situation in healthy ways. In the meantime, take care of you and your precious children. I'm sure you are a great father!


----------



## TeesJeep1

Seasong said:


> Hi Jeep
> This is what I had in mind in my last response. Either way, one can only hope she is managing her situation in healthy ways. In the meantime, take care of you and your precious children. I'm sure you are a great father!


Thanks for responding seasong. I am a good father and a good person all around. I have my faults and I fess up to them.We have spoken through text about every other day and she went for her first jog again yesterday. I asked her if we could have a coffee or a jog together and she said not yet and same with a visit, another time. I get it. She does not seem to mind the texts. The celebration of life ceremony takes place this Saturday and I plan on waiting till Monday to ask her if we can sit down and visit with each other. I also am choosing not to communicate with her until that time unless she initiates it. I miss her but I realized that pushing will only cause more pushing away from her end, so space seems like the logical option, to let her come back in at her pace.


----------



## 2asdf2

You said several times that you can back off and give her space, but yet, you keep pushing for contact.

Let her mark the pace. If you mean anything to her, she will want to be with you when she is ready.

For now, back off and wait.


----------



## SunCMars

TeesJeep1 said:


> Today she decided not to answer any text messages from me. I think she is taking the time to her self whether I like it or not. I do not find it fair after standing by her side from day 1 that she just ignores me. Call me selfish but it does not feel good, not 1 bit.


You did this unknowingly. You are an honest, forthright man. You told her that you feel used [because] during her grieving time, she ignored you.

This must have been true. Feeling maybe a little guilty, she felt the best thing to do was to break it off with you. 

Do the 180. Do not contact her.

If this turns around it will happen as a result of her efforts.

Good luck. 

Life is Good.


----------



## TeesJeep1

2asdf2 said:


> You said several times that you can back off and give her space, but yet, you keep pushing for contact.
> 
> Let her mark the pace. If you mean anything to her, she will want to be with you when she is ready.
> 
> For now, back off and wait.


Thanks for your reply 2asdf2. I am doing my best with backing off, I deal with my own demons and insecurities the best I can. Thank you though for the reminder. It is appreciated.


----------



## TeesJeep1

SunCMars said:


> You did this unknowingly. You are an honest, forthright man. You told her that you feel used [because] during her grieving time, she ignored you.
> 
> This must have been true. Feeling maybe a little guilty, she felt the best thing to do was to break it off with you.
> 
> Do the 180. Do not contact her.
> 
> If this turns around it will happen as a result of her efforts.
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> Life is Good.


Thanks for your response SunCMars. I am doing that starting tonight. Funny enough as these conversations were being written I received a text from her. I am not going to respond right at this moment. I will wait till next week.


----------



## 2asdf2

Initiating contact and responding to contact are two different breeds of crocodile.


----------



## bandit.45

She's going to keep stringing you along. 

End it. Stop responding and move on. She does not want to get back together with you.


----------



## MattMatt

@TeesJeep1 she probably loves you but now will be feeling tremendous guilt.

She may feel responsible for her husband killing himself. 

"If I hadn't filed for divorce and got together with TJ, husband wouldn't have killed himself and my kids would still have their dad.

"I can't see TJ at least for the moment. I feel so torn up and guilty."

THIS is what abusive spouses do to their partners!

Their abuse can continue even after the death of the abuser!  
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TeesJeep1

MattMatt said:


> @TeesJeep1 she probably loves you but now will be feeling tremendous guilt.
> 
> She may feel responsible for her husband killing himself.
> 
> "If I hadn't filed for divorce and got together with TJ, husband wouldn't have killed himself and my kids would still have their dad.
> 
> "I can't see TJ at least for the moment. I feel so torn up and guilty."
> 
> THIS is what abusive spouses do to their partners!
> 
> Their abuse can continue even after the death of the abuser!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the response MattMatt. We are communicating again on a daily basis now and are working on a resolve. You are right about her feeling the guilt. She has been feeling a lot of guilt so she started working with a therapist and it seems to be helping. I try shut up these days and listen more than anything else, it works. I am working on myself at the same time so I can be more supportive and give her the space she needs. You hit the nail on the head with your comments.


----------



## MattMatt

TeesJeep1 said:


> Thanks for the response MattMatt. We are communicating again on a daily basis now and are working on a resolve. You are right about her feeling the guilt. She has been feeling a lot of guilt so she started working with a therapist and it seems to be helping. I try shut up these days and listen more than anything else, it works. I am working on myself at the same time so I can be more supportive and give her the space she needs. You hit the nail on the head with your comments.


 @TeesJeep1 And how, you might ask, did I know?

I was in a similar situation to you many years ago. 

Hopefully you can both resolve this to your mutual satisfaction.


----------



## TeesJeep1

MattMatt said:


> @TeesJeep1 And how, you might ask, did I know?
> 
> I was in a similar situation to you many years ago.
> 
> Hopefully you can both resolve this to your mutual satisfaction.


 @MattMatt, I would appreciate any other advice you can give me and I am wondering how your relationship has turned out with this person?


----------



## MattMatt

TeesJeep1 said:


> @MattMatt, I would appreciate any other advice you can give me and I am wondering how your relationship has turned out with this person?


It was a long time ago. Blimey! Nearly 30 years! 

The best thing I can suggest is that she needs professional counselling to help her get through a very tough time.

What can you do? Just be there for her.

And me and that person? Still together after 27 years.


----------



## TeesJeep1

MattMatt said:


> It was a long time ago. Blimey! Nearly 30 years!
> 
> The best thing I can suggest is that she needs professional counselling to help her get through a very tough time.
> 
> What can you do? Just be there for her.
> 
> And me and that person? Still together after 27 years.


 @MattMatt, that is the most uplifting piece of information I have heard since this began. Truly uplifting and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I am going to see her this evening and this has lifted my spirit, thank you.


----------



## MattMatt

TeesJeep1 said:


> @MattMatt, that is the most uplifting piece of information I have heard since this began. Truly uplifting and inspiring. Thank you for sharing. I am going to see her this evening and this has lifted my spirit, thank you.


Good luck to both of you.


----------



## Seasong

Jeep, 
I hope you both have a nice evening. It's great that you got some inspiring advice.


----------



## bandit.45

You're being friend-zoned man.


----------



## TeesJeep1

@MattMatt, A question for you? She says that after being with me she always feels guilty. Anything I can do before or after hanging out to help relieve this?


----------



## Seasong

I was trying to add a link but don't know how. 
Jeep, the guilt is normal. It's normal even if she'd been divorced already. Let her know that, and hopefully you can both be patient. Maybe you can get a therapist for yourself. Then with no pressure on her, invite her to a few sessions if she can handle it. If not, I'm sure therapy will help you deal with your side of this, which in turn will help her.
I married a widower and years later he has his moments, especially around the month she died and the week or so they wed. And it's okay, even though she's been gone 8 years. Maybe in the future it will be like that, but more since she has kids.


----------



## MattMatt

Seasong said:


> I was trying to add a link but don't know how.
> Jeep, the guilt is normal. It's normal even if she'd been divorced already. Let her know that, and hopefully you can both be patient. Maybe you can get a therapist for yourself. Then with no pressure on her, invite her to a few sessions if she can handle it. If not, I'm sure therapy will help you deal with your side of this, which in turn will help her.
> I married a widower and years later he has his moments, especially around the month she died and the week or so they wed. And it's okay, even though she's been gone 8 years. Maybe in the future it will be like that, but more since she has kids.


Hi, @Seasong. To add a link just type or copy and past the url into the edit field and when you press enter the link should be there.


----------



## MattMatt

TeesJeep1 said:


> @MattMatt, A question for you? She says that after being with me she always feels guilty. Anything I can do before or after hanging out to help relieve this?


Just be there for her. And please make sure she gets the help that she needs from professional counsellors.

Her ex did a number on her -that's what abusers do- and he probably got into her head making out that all the bad stuff in their marriage was her fault.

And that's going to take years to resolve.

And the children are going to need professional help, too.


----------



## bandit.45

How many affairs did she have during her marriage? Did you ever get to the bottom of that? Or does that just get glossed over?


----------



## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> @MattMatt, A question for you? She says that after being with me she always feels guilty. Anything I can do before or after hanging out to help relieve this?


Yeah. 

Walk away and never look back. This isn't love man. She's setting you up for some hurt.


----------



## TeesJeep1

MattMatt said:


> Just be there for her. And please make sure she gets the help that she needs from professional counsellors.
> 
> Her ex did a number on her -that's what abusers do- and he probably got into her head making out that all the bad stuff in their marriage was her fault.
> 
> And that's going to take years to resolve.
> 
> And the children are going to need professional help, too.


 @MattMatt, she and her children are seeing a counselor. I am seeing one as we, the one we started seeing together, before the instance with the husband.


----------



## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> How many affairs did she have during her marriage? Did you ever get to the bottom of that? Or does that just get glossed over?


 @Bandit, she has told me about 3 specific instances.


----------



## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah.
> 
> Walk away and never look back. This isn't love man. She's setting you up for some hurt.


 @Bandit, I appreciate your view and comment. I do not view this though in the same light as you, although I will listen to your perspective.


----------



## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> @Bandit, I appreciate your view and comment. I do not view this though in the same light as you, although I will listen to your perspective.


I just worry for you man. Past performance is an indicator of future behavior. 

Just watch your back...alright?


----------



## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> I just worry for you man. Past performance is an indicator of future behavior.
> 
> Just watch your back...alright?


 @bandit.45, I believe in the fact that everything is universal. That being said your comment of past performance is an indicator of future behavior holds weight. I am choosing not to focus on that because it is not something I fear, as a matter of fact I really do not give it much attention at all because we were seeing a couples therapist during our time seeing each other because of this issue and our past relationship errors. From the start we really knew we wanted this to work out and knew we have to put in the effort to make that happen. I will though, watch my back. She is truly a remarkable person and is coming along well, sometimes. Thank you for the concern it is warranted and appreciated.


----------



## bandit.45

She is going to fvck you up down the road. 

Those three affairs weren't accidents. They were not aberrations of character. She did those things. She had the wherewithal, capacity and desire to do them.


----------



## sokillme

TeesJeep1 said:


> @Bandit, she has told me about 3 specific instances.


3 affairs on the ex or you? I hope she is getting some really strong IC because these things just don't go away. Usually they are brought on by deep seeded emotional issues that need to be worked on. That takes hard work with good counselors. Many times there is an underlying personality disorder, or some severe trauma. 

@bandit.45 in his own "delicate" style is right. Better have you eyes open in what you are getting yourself into.


----------



## TeesJeep1

sokillme said:


> 3 affairs on the ex or you? I hope she is getting some really strong IC because these things just don't go away. Usually they are brought on by deep ceded emotional issues that need to be worked on. That takes hard work with good counselors. Many times there is an underlying personality disorder, or some severe trauma.
> @bandit.45 in his own "delicate" style is right. Better have you eyes open in what you are getting yourself into.


 @sokillme, the instances were with the ex.


----------



## sokillme

TeesJeep1 said:


> @sokillme, the instances were with the ex.


TJ1 let me tell you something. I mean no disrespect but, Life is hard. The only thing that keeps marriages and relationships together when life is hard is character. That's it. Right now this woman's actions in the past have shown that she is lacking. You are taking a very big risk. I would think long an hard about what you are doing. If you move on it will be months of pain, if you stay and she cheats on you depending on when it happens it could mean a lifetime. 

It could end up meaning 20% of your salary and 50% of your positions one day. If you have more kids it could mean only seeing them half of the time. 

I will let it go at that.


----------



## Chuck71

Bandit is spot on. I was a rebound early this year with a female. She denied the rebound but I knew better.

She wasn't mean or spiteful.... at least not to me. My gut warned me... I watched for the tell-tell

signs. They were all there. I ended it. We still talk but it's most her asking advice. Nothing more...


----------



## TeesJeep1

@sokillme, thank you for your perspective.


----------



## BetrayedDad

@TeesJeep1

Let me get this straight....

1) You've only been dating 5 months.

2) She is a serial cheater who had three affairs (that you know of)

3) Including the now dead ex, this woman has enough emotional baggage for a cruise around the world.

And you want to continue to date her?!? You can't possible be this desperate for a gf. 

Are you crazy? She has more red flags than a communist parade.


----------



## caruso

BetrayedDad said:


> @TeesJeep1
> 
> Let me get this straight....
> 
> 1) You've only been dating 5 months.
> 
> 2) She is a serial cheater who had three affairs (that you know of)
> 
> 3) Including the now dead ex, this woman has enough emotional baggage for a cruise around the world.
> 
> And you want to continue to date her?!? You can't possible be this desperate for a gf.
> 
> Are you crazy? She has more red flags than a communist parade.


I'm thinking this is unncessary, uncalled for and inaccurate.

My GF of 5 years cheated on her husband towards the end of the marriage, multiple times. Their marriage had completely broken down, he was abusive, she wanted out, and she, well.. acted out. We sometimes talk about what she did, and I realize that she was in a very bad place with him, it took years to get there and most importantly, he and I are not the same person, nothing like each other so the way she acted towards him has no bearing on the way she acts or will act with me.

To look at a person's history of cheating and say "they did it with him or her, so they'll do it with you!", makes one major blunder. It doesn't include the CONTEXT. 

I'll take it a step further and state that I would never get married again, not only because of my past experience including a nasty divorce, but because the legal construct of marriage can trap people in a relationship they cannot easily get out of which makes cheating more likely.

But I digress from my main point which is, he's enjoying the time with her, the intimacy is good or even great despite the fact that GF is suddenly faced with the untimely death of her ex and the associated guilt.

She'll get over it eventually and they could be just fine.

He found someone with whom he clicks, to say he's CRAZY and she's got enough baggage to cruise around the world based on what is written on this thread is extremely shortsighted and presumptive to say the least.


----------



## BetrayedDad

caruso said:


> To look at a person's history of cheating and say "they did it with him or her, so they'll do it with you!", makes one major blunder. It doesn't include the CONTEXT.


Morality doesn't require context. That would presume justification for cheating. There is no justification for it. As you said she "acted out". She had other options, she choose the sh!tty one. 

Now if OP wants to take the risk and continue to date a person like he described. It's a free country, he can do whatever he wants. JUST DON'T BE SHOCKED when you catch a knife in your back.

You're right, maybe she did learn her lesson like your gf. But with so many fish it the sea, it's a foolish risk to take. Though even foolish risks pan out sometimes purely on luck.


----------



## sokillme

caruso said:


> I'm thinking this is unncessary, uncalled for and inaccurate.
> 
> My GF of 5 years cheated on her husband towards the end of the marriage, multiple times. Their marriage had completely broken down, he was abusive, she wanted out, and she, well.. acted out. We sometimes talk about what she did, and I realize that she was in a very bad place with him, it took years to get there and most importantly, he and I are not the same person, nothing like each other so the way she acted towards him has no bearing on the way she acts or will act with me.
> 
> To look at a person's history of cheating and say "they did it with him or her, so they'll do it with you!", makes one major blunder. It doesn't include the CONTEXT.
> 
> I'll take it a step further and state that I would never get married again, not only because of my past experience including a nasty divorce, but because the legal construct of marriage can trap people in a relationship they cannot easily get out of which makes cheating more likely.
> 
> But I digress from my main point which is, he's enjoying the time with her, the intimacy is good or even great despite the fact that GF is suddenly faced with the untimely death of her ex and the associated guilt.
> 
> She'll get over it eventually and they could be just fine.
> 
> He found someone with whom he clicks, to say he's CRAZY and she's got enough baggage to cruise around the world based on what is written on this thread is extremely shortsighted and presumptive to say the least.



Your free to believe that if you want, but I believe it is YOU who are shortsighted. Personally I believe people have character or not. Character takes years to build. Those who don't have it usually don't get it later in life. At least not with out a lot of work, and a whole hell of desire. 

People who cheat have bad coping mechanisms and will revert to what they have done in the past unless they learn better behavior, this has to be worked on and learned. This is why cheaters usually needs years of therapy to address their problems. From the sounds of it this guys SO has not done that. It's a big risk.


----------



## caruso

BetrayedDad said:


> Morality doesn't require context. That would presume justification for cheating. There is no justification for it. As you said she "acted out". She had other options, she choose the sh!tty one.


I don't know that it reflects morality. It could reflect, I don't know.. impulsivity and momentary loss of reason in the face of overwhelming anxiety and feelings of helplessness from being trapped in an abusive dead end relationship. It could very well be that that particular person would only ever take the sh!ty route when they are in that particular situation with that particular partner. But whatever, there's a history, there's always a possibility. Then again there's nothing to say that someone with no history will not cheat. Every cheater has a first time, ya know?



BetrayedDad said:


> Now if OP wants to take the risk and continue to date a person like he described. It's a free country, he can do whatever he wants. JUST DON'T BE SHOCKED when you catch a knife in your back.


Getting involved with a person is always a risk. You never know what a person is really capable of. Oftentimes they don't even know. Marrying a person is most definitely the act of the insane, I figured that one out too late but it's a mistake I won't repeat nor will countless others; and yet there are some that meet that definition of insanity and keep getting married and divorced thinking next time will be the one that makes all the failures worth all the trouble. 

But for those young folks that haven't experienced the life changing pain of divorce who think it's going to be different for them and they're plowing ahead full steam because they think they've got what it takes- yeah they have another 50 years ahead of them so maybe they don't want to take such risks. It's a lot more difficult to get out when you've got a mortgage, children, and only enough income for one household.



BetrayedDad said:


> You're right, maybe she did learn her lesson like your gf. But with so many fish it the sea, it's a foolish risk to take. Though even foolish risks pan out sometimes purely on luck.


Most of those fish aren't worth baiting a hook for. When you find that one fish, and things really click, sometimes it's worth moving forward despite a few flags here and there. Nobody's perfect. It's just a matter of degree.


----------



## TeesJeep1

caruso said:


> I'm thinking this is unncessary, uncalled for and inaccurate.
> 
> My GF of 5 years cheated on her husband towards the end of the marriage, multiple times. Their marriage had completely broken down, he was abusive, she wanted out, and she, well.. acted out. We sometimes talk about what she did, and I realize that she was in a very bad place with him, it took years to get there and most importantly, he and I are not the same person, nothing like each other so the way she acted towards him has no bearing on the way she acts or will act with me.
> 
> To look at a person's history of cheating and say "they did it with him or her, so they'll do it with you!", makes one major blunder. It doesn't include the CONTEXT.
> 
> I'll take it a step further and state that I would never get married again, not only because of my past experience including a nasty divorce, but because the legal construct of marriage can trap people in a relationship they cannot easily get out of which makes cheating more likely.
> 
> But I digress from my main point which is, he's enjoying the time with her, the intimacy is good or even great despite the fact that GF is suddenly faced with the untimely death of her ex and the associated guilt.
> 
> She'll get over it eventually and they could be just fine.
> 
> He found someone with whom he clicks, to say he's CRAZY and she's got enough baggage to cruise around the world based on what is written on this thread is extremely shortsighted and presumptive to say the least.


This I agree with.


----------



## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> This I agree with.


So how is it going?


----------



## TeesJeep1

bandit.45 said:


> So how is it going?


 @Bandit, some weeks are better than others, but all in all I am happy and she is on the mend, happy more than sad. We see a counselor weekly, together, and we are working towards reestablishing our relationship. We are best of friends and lovers. I am happy with that while she heals.


----------



## Seasong

I'm glad Bandit sent a shout out to you because I had been thinking about you.
It sounds like a good update! How are her kids doing? And yours as well?


----------



## TeesJeep1

Her kids seem ok, although I do not see them because she feels it is not the right time for socializing with them. My kids are much better now that they see her again and that I am more attentive. Really looking for the best in this situation


----------



## TeesJeep1

Update:
So after another month she has found herself wanting a child from me and in that same day, in the evening, cheating on me. She said she felt confused and I said what she did was a huge disappointment to me. It's been a few weeks since that happened and I am not even sure what to feel anymore.


----------



## Chuck71

TeesJeep1 said:


> Update:
> So after another month she has found herself wanting a child from me and in that same day, in the evening, cheating on me. She said she felt confused and I said what she did was a huge disappointment to me. It's been a few weeks since that happened and I am not even sure what to feel anymore.


Walk the F away....... YESTERDAY

Trust me.... this is a sneak preview of what is to come


----------



## TeesJeep1

Chuck71 said:


> Walk the F away....... YESTERDAY
> 
> Trust me.... this is a sneak preview of what is to come


Not even sure how to grasp the situation. Can not believe people could even think this way. After all I have been through I truly feel numb.


----------



## sokillme

TeesJeep1 said:


> Not even sure how to grasp the situation. Can not believe people could even think this way. After all I have been through I truly feel numb.


Read the post i wrote again, the one you that thanked me for my perspective. My perspective was right. She has huge character issues. I will be right again about how your future will be if you continue down this road. Look man I am not clairvoyant. This is how life works, just the same as gravity, if you attach your life to a serial cheater you are going to have a lousy life. People who cheat over and over are not capable of being in a monogamous relationship. Or really any true relationships. Don't end up like her ex destroyed by her damage. 

Emotionally she is very much like to a mentally retarded person. Just like you can't expect someone who has mental retardation to run a business. You cannot expect an emotionally retarded person to have a successful relationship. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to do it. 

Now on to you? Why are you treating this woman like she is the last woman on earth? She isn't even a very nice woman. She cheats on almost everyone she is with? Seriously is there something in your past or are you so insecure that you think this is the only woman who will be interested in you? I guarantee you this will not be the case, but you need to learn how to demand more from life. Honestly you would be better off without her even if she was the only woman interested in you. There is no hope for happiness with her. 

Finally I am going to tell you one more thing, and it is very important. I have been reading these sites for a while now. There is one type of man that you see over and over. He is the kind whose wife treats him incredibly poorly. Bullies him and has no respect for him. Cheats on him over and over, flaunts it in his face, yet he continues to stay. At first I felt so bad for these guys, but then I kept seeing the pattern. They always stay. 

That is when I figured it out. These women seek out these "weak" men. The women cheaters are like parasites and the men are their hosts. Like the school yard bully seeks the weakest to pick on all because they know the weak kid won't stand up for themselves. This is what is going on with this relationship dynamic I am describing, this is why you see them over and over. It's no fluke, it is a calculated thing. The woman knows she is going to cheat so she is just looking for the "nice guy" to have her kids with and pay for her lifestyle, and she will have her dalliances on the side. The weaker the better. 

Now I am not saying it's you. But I think it is your girl, and she is seeing a strong target in you. You may have the potential to be this type of man. I don't mean to insult you but you are on this board and everyone, men and women has told you she is bad news, and to run. She has repeatedly cheated and she just did it to you, after her ex killed himself no less (probably contributed to by her abuse of him). What are doing man? Is there anything she could do that would make you stop pursuing her, because right now the bar can't get any lower. 

I call them emotional vampires, and just like a vampire this girl has got you in her spell. Better get the garlic before it's too late.

Break up with this woman, ghost her and then write another post about how to get over someone. We will all help you through that. It is hard at first but we are talking a few weeks to months. Not lifetimes.


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## Seasong

TeesJeep1 said:


> Update:
> So after another month she has found herself wanting a child from me and in that same day, in the evening, cheating on me. She said she felt confused and I said what she did was a huge disappointment to me. It's been a few weeks since that happened and I am not even sure what to feel anymore.


Hi, TJ

Sorry you have found yourself in this situation already. Your main priorities are to your wonderful daughters and yourself. 

Your girls need to see you with a woman whose flaws don't include any bad treatment they would see, like cheating or other disturbing behaviors. She doesn't sound balanced. You are a big role model and your girls will be picking men someday. Would you set the bar high for them?

And you, YOU should know you deserve that for yourself. If you are still in therapy, bring that up ( individual therapy), and work on your self esteem. You can't fix others. It's up to you.

Take care, and maybe stick around so the forum can help you a bit more. There is an infidelity forum on this site. We can see you're hurting. Whatever you choose, get some help, and continue to be a great father!


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## TeesJeep1

Sad to say but you were right sokillme. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed her as a Narcissistic Sociopath. I am still seeing the therapist to work on myself so that I will not fall into this trap again. I was gaslighted, mirrored and discarded. I'd say this is a lesson I won't forget. I am embarrassed, but at the same time thankful to have learned many new things about myself and that I am now working on.


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## bandit.45

TeesJeep1 said:


> Sad to say but you were right sokillme. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed her as a Narcissistic Sociopath. I am still seeing the therapist to work on myself so that I will not fall into this trap again. I was gaslighted, mirrored and discarded. I'd say this is a lesson I won't forget. I am embarrassed, but at the same time thankful to have learned many new things about myself and that I am now working on.


Understand that probably everything she told you about her relationship with her ex was either a tissue of lies or at the very least she minimized everything. I will bet you anything she screwed around on him a lot, and that was a big reason why they broke up. 

I'm sorry for your pain. Put this woman in your rear-view and never communicate with her again. 

What was the circumstances of her cheating on you? Who did she cheat with?


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## MovingForward

Dam this is not a good situation for anyone, I hope the Children are doing OK


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## sokillme

TeesJeep1 said:


> Sad to say but you were right sokillme. The therapist we had been seeing diagnosed her as a Narcissistic Sociopath. I am still seeing the therapist to work on myself so that I will not fall into this trap again. I was gaslighted, mirrored and discarded. I'd say this is a lesson I won't forget. I am embarrassed, but at the same time thankful to have learned many new things about myself and that I am now working on.


Sorry to hear. I always wish I am wrong. Don't feel to bad everyone gets fooled at least once. Good for you that you are determined to learn from this with professional help. The scary thing is when it happens over and over then it because a personal problem, not one of getting fooled. Part of that is not accepting any crap anymore, like I said in the last post. If you have very strong boundaries and expect people to follow them, people like this women will lose interest very fast because they know they can just move on to another easy target. They are like predators looking for hosts who they can feed off of. 

Look I am not clairvoyant but I have just read too much on here and other sites. Not to mention the few that I bumped into (dated) in my life. Authentic people don't do these kind of things. This pretty much holds true with most people who cheat by the way. The only way you are safe is if they are willing to change their whole life and do years of therapy. It takes a monumental effort. Most don't have that in them. 

There are people who can do terrible things to other people, and people who just can't. Those who can are like alcoholics. Even at their best they are still a serious risk. I would never give anyone advice to stay in a marriage or relationship with an alcoholic, at least without pointing out you are one binge away from ruin. To me it's not worth the risk. You may get over it but you never get the time back. 

Anyway it's a hard lesson but it's a good one to learn. Character, that is the most important thing when it comes to committed relationships.


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## bandit.45

TeesJeep, how are you doing?


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