# Am I a bastard or am i doing the right thing help my head is spinning



## JettF111 (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi all I have been seperated for 18months because I had an affair. I was married for 26 years and have three daughters.

Since seperating I have been trying to do the right thing by paying the mortgage on the familly home and also paying the mortgage on the investment property. To move on I proposed that I give the ex wife the house and contents and car. I do not want any money or belongings from the house.

We have a mortgage of $240000 and the house is valued at $650000. All she has to do is sell the house which has 5 bedrooms, pool, spa, home theater, and games room and she would be able to buy a smaller house for her and the youngest daughter. But she wont do it she wants me to give her everything plus $100000. Am I unreasonable???? some advise would be great.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

WOW.... she is still pretty pissed off?


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

she's angry and hurt. she signed up for "better or worse" and "forsaking all others" she feels like this isn't what she signed up for and why should she have to make changes to her life and the life of your youngest daughter because you screwed up? did you suggest divorce or did she? was there ever an attempt to salvage your marriage? are you still with the OW or somebody new?


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I would like to know more about the affair...

How did it happen, how did your wife find out.. how did you break up?


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## JettF111 (Jul 24, 2012)

Hi all I work away on a mine and when I would come home i felt like a stranger in my own house as the familly would talk about things that I was not there to see or witness and after a few days everything would be normal.

My ex wife did everything for me (like my mom did when I was little) I cannot say she treated me badly. The problems were she didnt want to see my familly but it was ok to see hers all the time.
She would say we couldnt afford to go away on holiday but we could.
She would object to me flying planes once a week and as I said to her if we have something on I wont go but that wasnt good enough for her.
My Mom turned 70 and she asked if she could have a few of her closest friends over our place as hers was too far away for everyone. I said yes but my ex said no as she didnt want the hassel.
The week after she agrees to her niece that she can have a hens night at our place with 50 people, go figure?

We would go to bed and she would lay there not moving as I was trying to initiate sex with her, and sometimes i would have to ask if she was awake. I know that I am not a dude in the bedroom.

So after 5 years on a mine, I never looked for anyone it just happened I meet a girl who I have so much in common with that I fell in love with her and I am still with her 2 years later.

My ex rang me and wants me to ask my pensioner mum and dad for $100,000 plus give her the house. I said to her I could give $25000 plus the house but thats not enough for her. The girls have taken her side completely and dont talk to me now so I have decided to let the law take its course now and the law can settle our finances.
I know I will end up with a large lump of cash in my hand by doing this.
I was will to take nothing and give everything to her so she could rebuild her life but as I said befor thats not enough for her.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

You need a lawyer dude.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

obviously, you should have divorced before starting a new relationship. i think at this point there is too much resentment to handle this between you and your spouse, so you need to let the lawyers handle this. i would also suggest family counceling for you and your children, and even your ex if she is willing. wether or not you are married, you are still and always be family, so you at least owe it to your children to learn to be amicable, and you need to rebuild your relationship with your children.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As others have said... Talk to a lawyer, if you haven't already. Get a clear understanding of your rights and responsibilities. Use that as a starting point for your discussions. Adjust to accommodate your guilt.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

This is difficult for me as I am newly in the position your wife is in. My husband of 32 years left me for someone else, so I can understand your wife's feelings. Having said that, it sounds like you tried to be more than fair financially. 

Of course she is hurt and maybe wants to hurt you back, but to expect you to ask your parents for money for her seems over the top. We are only hearing one side, but it does sound like she is rather, shall we say, difficult to begin with. I agree with what's already been said. Get a lawyer.

I hope you can rebuild your relationship with your daughters. My kids are going through the same thing. It will take time and lots of effort on your part.

Because of my husband's job, when we were first married, i got to know a lot of families where the husband worked away for a month at a time. It was hard on the family when he returned. One wife told me that her husband seemed to think that everything was on hold while he was away, and that when he came back he expected everything to just resume from where it had been when he left. Of course that wasn't the case. Life went on. Things happened that the man wasn't a part of and there was always a period of readjustment when he came back. And then he was gone again. I saw so many marriages break up, and now that I think of it, in every case it was the man who had an affair. And coincidentally they were all pilots. Guess this is why I cringe when my daughter talks about becoming a flight attendant.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

She will end up losing a lot if this goes to court.

Doesn't she know that? Why is she being so thick about it?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

lulubelle said:


> she's angry and hurt. she signed up for "better or worse" and "forsaking all others" she feels like this isn't what she signed up for and why should she have to make changes to her life and the life of your youngest daughter because you screwed up? did you suggest divorce or did she? was there ever an attempt to salvage your marriage? are you still with the OW or somebody new?


Yeah I'd be pissed, bitter and angry too. I know how she feels.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Is she working? I so how big is the income difference between you two?


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sorry if I offended any pilots. There are some really decent ones out there.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Mmmmm Flying or a wife...........?????

Let me think......Rotate! Lol!

Only joking, good luck man


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Ha, ha. Are you a pilot, Donkler?!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I would definitely pick flying over marriage. No hesitation.

"JFK Approach, AC4726 Heavy with you at 10,000"

vs.

"No honey, I don't feel like visiting your family tonight. I want to stay home"


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Oh, crap, a Fly Boy! Women, run for your lives!!

My husband is a pilot, but only because in his role, it pays more than an mere engineer doing the same job. He took his pilot's license just to up his salary. He used to refer to pilots as glorified taxi drivers (no offence). He hasn't hasn't flown in years as it is too expensive.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Haha no im no pilot unfortunately. Way to expensive im the UK to learn.

I do know their divorce rate is up there amongst the highest.

If you can stick at flying the rewards are there, lucky if you can keep a spouse at the same time as your are either commuting, flying, or staying over, and hardly at home.

Worse in the US than the UK so I gather.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

See an attorney and find out what your wife could expect to get if your divorce went to court. Offer her that and only that. 

You were wrong to have an affair. You were wrong to leave your wife and go live with another woman. some lesson you have taught your children.

That asside your wife is not being reasonable in the divorce settlement. The problem with offereing too much in a divorce settlement is that the other party then wants even more.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

You're in the UK to learn how to fly? If so, my statement stands!

Interestingly, the divorce rate that I saw was higher among the pilots than the engineers who were away from home as much as the pilots. Something in the Fly Boys egos?

I'm originally from the UK. Enjoy your stay.


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

No sorry I live in the UK 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donkler (May 21, 2012)

Pilots leave their egos in the parking lot..........dont they? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Depends on what you make vs. what she makes and your total assets. Since you've been married for so long, you would be required to split everything 50/50 and if she didn't work, you would also be required to pay alimony for life (most states).


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I agree with EleGirl. Your wife is greedy. You tried to be nice and look where it got you. Let the courts settle it.

Donkler, the problem is, they pick up their egos when they return to the parking lot. Once again, I apologize to all the decent pilots out there, but so many of them think they are God's gift to women because they can fly a plane.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Yes, you are a b*stard but what's morally right and what's legally right as far as the money goes is something else

Solicitors will need to thrash it out

If its still not sorted and she has had to stomach 2y of seeing you with your AP, I'm not surprised she is less than reasonable


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