# Can't forget the past...unsure how to proceed in the future



## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

Went out for anniversary dinner the other night...16 years. Was going ok but then wife made a snipe like she has for months and we got into again. I tried to explain that I love her but i can't take her being rude and mean to me anymore. 

Background, last year at this time...she told me that she was miserable for years. Of course my business and in turn our finances went south about same time.

Anyway, did the counseling thing...been trying to get back on track and there have been bumps of course but thought things were going ok.

Anyway, i told her at dinner i love her and still find her attractive...she smiles like a chesire cat and i press her onwhat she is hiding..

She tells me that she never found me all that physically attractive...and that right now not at all...she was attracted to something but its not there anymore..,..although she is trying to connect to it again. I know i'm not brad pitt but i'm not hideous by any means.

first all...any thoughts on what prompted her to be so rude?

We are still climbing back financially but getting better all the time...

Anyway, i''m wanting to bail because i have had it...kissed her ass more than ever past year and in reality did for most of our marriage.

I have kids so i don't want to be selfish but i don't want to live like this either..

I steamed over this for a day and then lost it on her the next day...said crime doesn't fit punishment and if she is unhappy she can leave..

since then she is better...but again...why is she being such an ass?


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

She said its you! (betting)

Whatever you type here doesnt really matter cause its your version, and simple bickering about pointless things.

Bottom line its really bad and unless you have the desire to fix it...this will continue forever. 

Its not "always" the right thing to stay together.


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## hcromwell (May 4, 2010)

ok...fair enough...so fix it how?
decide not to stay together how?


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

To me, it sounds like she is unhappy...be it with you, herself, the marriage, the situation you all are in...something. That unhappiness is making her "lash out"/"be rude"...and a lot of times, the people closest to us get the worst of it. 

Honestly for her to start mentioning something about your looks, it makes me wonder if someone else has caught her eye (not that she's acted on the attraction). If the physical attraction was never there, why is it a factor now?? Quite frankly, looks fade and it truly is more of a charisma, a swagger, a way about a guy that is really attractive and matters the most; the way he treats a woman and how she feels when she's with him, around him, thinks of him. She wants to feel safe and protected and secure in her life with her man. She wants to feel like she's truly loved and cherished by her husband. She wants to know that he's going to handle things and she can trust that he will. She wants attention and devotion and not just hearing compliments but to feel it from her husband. There may even be a level of respect for you that has left her; maybe because of the financial situation. She's been miserable for years so she's been tolerating things and now she's at the point where she doesn't want to anymore. So now she's attacking. 

You can't change her but you can change yourself and how you are with her and how you are as a husband. If you want to keep your marriage focus on what YOU can do...show her what you showed when you were falling for each other. Communicate with her and express your need for her to do her part too and how it makes you feel when she's rude to you. But I really think that it must start with you and think about if you're being the husband she really needs and wants.

By no means do I think this is all soley on you...a marriage is two people...just trying to offer some things that you can do that might help.


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