# Not sure how to proceed



## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Well its been 2 days short of two months since she has left. She moved out to her parents house. We have been on a few dates and talked about getting back together. 
Last week she even said she wanted to come home, she has started individual counseling. Im very scared of our putting my heart out there after I have worked so hard to keep my life going. I don't want to trust her anymore, after all she walked out on me. 

She has admitted to having some issues with communication and wants to work on that. We started taking baby steps. and so far so good. But we set a deadline of August 14, 2010 for sure. That is she didnt know by then if she wanted to stay married then we would divorce. 

I havent dated or really done anything but put my life on hold and wait for her. I read thru the first 30 something pages of "Love Dare" got mad and put it down. Because i felt so depressed knowing that her love is not that strong for me. It made me realize that my marriage was very weak and that this women did not really value it at all. 

I guess Im asking for some feedback on how to handle this. Becuase i still love this women, there has been no infedility that i know of. But she basically just wanted a vacation from our marriage. We have had sex twice since she has been gone, and that didnt go very bad, but im scared to do it again because i really want her to come home. 

I have been very guilty of sending mixed messages though. I told her that i could not depend on her coming home becuase i had to gaurentee that she was coming home. Really i did this because i was trying to manipulate her into giving in and coming home. I know that was wrong. But i cant seem to come to terms with this. Im really confused. Becuase when im alone...and dont talk to her i am ok. But i miss her, her smile, her laughter and her friendship. Its been almost ten years we have been each others life. 

But the back and forth is killing me. She told me tuesday last week she wants to come home, then by friday she doesn't know if she still wants to be married, then yesterday..she tells me to date other people...then today shes laying in our bed telling me she loves me?? someone tell me what the F^&K is going on and is this normal...and how the hell do i stay sane in this insanity. The only answer i have right now is to not take anything personal, and give it space. STAY AWAY. 

Anything anyone has would be greatly appreciated.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Sounds like your wife is ambivalent towards you. That she has two opposing feelings at the same time. The love/strong dislike thing. I love you “because?” but can’t live with you “because?”.

If it is ambivalence it is very difficult to deal with. It’s difficult because your wife will need to tell you what it is that she strongly dislikes about you. That takes sincere emotional honesty and transparency and because she also loves you she may well not want do that and hurt you. What they don’t get is that until we know what their problems with us are there’s no way we can move forward into a deeper and better relationship.

Sounds to me like counselling is the best way forward.

Bob


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Update: 

So i asked her what as it about me that is making her not want to come home. She started to tell me that she is not attracted to me anymore. So i probed a little bit. I asked her if it was a physical thing, she said no. 

Its because of all the disagreements she has become jaded to the situation. Mind you most of these are centered around me wanting more from her. During that conversation she said she thought we would be better off as friends. I started to over-react and considered getting the divorce paper work. She text me and told me to call her. So i did, then she told me that she would consider coming home a few days a week to go slowly. But in mind mind i was like WTF? Why would i do that? 

I realize I have an all or nothing mentality. Instead of going off on her and making the situation worse i called my best friend and gave him the business, i told him how i as really feeling and how this sh!t is driving me nucking futz. 
I am becoming more resentful almost everyday. I think its going to be near to impossible unless I start some sort of counseling. 

I dont ant to be a bitter person, i dont even want to be mad. I want to live my life with happiness inside and out. I'm tired of giving people power over me. Im tired of being a victim. Im tired of being taken for granted. 
I want to stand at the top of a hill and tell this woman to love me or leave me the F alone. 
No more excuses, no more issues, no more drama. I have honestly had enough. 
Even through all this I still love her and cherish the time we have together. I try to put aside me anger and resentment because i know that it will only keep us apart. 
So i guess its back to living day by day again. It sucks starting all over again.


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## CodeNameBob (Jun 3, 2010)

Simthboyz,

Keep you chin up, you are really lucky that she is willing to come home for a few days and try to work things with you. Take some time before she comes home and work on yourself, work on the all or nothing mentalilty. You still have a chance, so don't let it slip away. If you really want ot save this thing working on yourself could be the thing that she needs to find you attractive again. Fight for the chance you get and are given, for there is nothing more painful then when the leave, I mean really leave.

CNB


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