# HATE and How to Use It?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I have unbelievable amounts of hatred inside me, even 4 months after D-Day.

Hate for the betrayal. Hate for doing things with him she didn't do for me. Hate for the broken dreams (we have children together). Hate for the lies, deceit, lack of conscience, and lack of remorse. Note: She cheated AND left. 

How do you channel the hate?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

In a constructive manner. Do what you like to do the most and be better at it. Get better at your job. Learn new things, pick up a new hobby. Exercise. Do it for yourself. Transform the hate towards a positive force. Try to forgive and forget. But not before you are ready. By the time you can successfully turn the negative energy into a positive one you will see that you have become a better human being.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Gym. Shooting Range. Any where you can safely and legally destroy or beat on something.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

> Try to forgive and forget.


Were you able to do that?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I would say safest place is the gym. Go in there all jacked up on Animal Rage (supplement for those of you out there who don't know what I am talking about) and trying to lift way heavier than you should, imagining that the OM's is inbetween the plates and when they go down.....
Or shooting range. Shooting a high powered gun at a blank target...or put a print out of the OM on the target and begin taking aim.....

But if you want concrete reasons as to why you shouldn't go and break the OM's neck, I can think of a few...


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Were you able to do that?


Forgive- yes. We all are human, and we make mistakes. I forgave her twice before. I don't believe in sins, I believe in mistakes. If she could own up to it, we could give it another go. But she is perma-fogged.

Forget- hard, really really hard. It has been only a week since I discovered her A, and only four weeks since D-day. It will take time and time heals everything. Believe me, I am doing everything that I suggested you to do. Once you get yourself immersed in coding for the entire day, it gets easier to forget. But it pinches every now and then. I just call a friend and he gives me verbal slapping for still being in love with a cheater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Try replacing it with pity. She wrecked everything. She is not worthy of your hate. Just pity instead.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

I turn into Forrest Gump and run until i can not take it anymore. I also have a 100 pound punching bag. 

It will be a year from my Dday in December and my rage is still here at times, but I have also changed myself and have become a better person. My rage comes from all that I have dealt with this year. Me and my 2 year old have been abandoned by his family, I have lost friends over this and have undergone a great deal of humiliation. It takes time but it will get better and you will wake up one day and realize you do not care anymore.

Take it one day at a time.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I feel that even when I exercise the hate is still there. It's deep-seated. It hurts to feel hate for the mother of one's children. Her level of selfishness was phenomenal. 

@Life101
You've forgiven her twice before? Hmm.. you do realize she probably won't stop? I hate to say it, I know you love her, but she knows you keep forgiving her so what's the deterence?

@MattMatt
Another friend suggested that. He added disgust to that list. Yet hate continues to rise to the surface. I feel what she did was so damn cold/ruthless/reckless. Especially since I was the one who tried to R for the good of the family (I hadn't found TAM yet so I didn't understand the strategies).


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Grey Goose said:


> I turn into Forrest Gump and run until i can not take it anymore. I also have a 100 pound punching bag.
> 
> It will be a year from my Dday in December and my rage is still here at times, but I have also changed myself and have become a better person. My rage comes from all that I have dealt with this year. Me and my 2 year old have been abandoned by his family, I have lost friends over this and have undergone a great deal of humiliation. It takes time but it will get better and you will wake up one day and realize you do not care anymore.
> 
> Take it one day at a time.


You sound awesome, Goose. 

The family siding with the cheater happens all too often. Even if the family likes you and has embraced you, blood is still thicker.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I feel that even when I exercise the hate is still there. It's deep-seated. It hurts to feel hate for the mother of one's children. Her level of selfishness was phenomenal.
> 
> @Life101
> You've forgiven her twice before? Hmm.. you do realize she probably won't stop? I hate to say it, I know you love her, but she knows you keep forgiving her so what's the deterence?
> ...


Not even disgust. With hate and disgust you are giving her free rental space in your head.


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## jonepeteru (Nov 27, 2012)

Try replacing it with pity. She wrecked everything.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

The following is a rant!

My wife told me things I wish I hadn't heard. One was that she had fantasies of her and OM living together in the countryside and having a baby with him. (Vomit.) She was not even 5 months into the EA+PA when she started having these thoughts. It's sick. She's the mother of OUR two children and we had dreams too. Now that she's left me for him I feel destroyed and I hate her for it. It's the biggest F U any person can do to another. She ripped my heart to shreds and she's hurt our daughters for her own selfish gain. She's almost adolescent in her fantasies and she's in her thirties. Is that love she has for him? Part of me really hopes he cheats on her some day and she is heartbroken.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

staystrong said:


> I feel that even when I exercise the hate is still there. It's deep-seated. It hurts to feel hate for the mother of one's children. Her level of selfishness was phenomenal.
> 
> @Life101
> You've forgiven her twice before? Hmm.. you do realize she probably won't stop? I hate to say it, I know you love her, but she knows you keep forgiving her so what's the deterence?


Yep, I know that now. Wish I had realized it earlier. That's why I have turned off the R button. No remorse from her, no third chance from me. She is OM's problem now. I hope he enjoys all the baggage she brings with her.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

I can totally relate to that 'hateful' feeling. It's like a never dying rage. I have developed IBS, that's after dealing with random anxiety and panic attacks. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. Meaning, Ive had all sorts of tests and it's nothing serious, it's really just caused by a bunch of stress. And yes, the latest Dday was a little over a year ago, but ya know what, every time I hear, move on, I feel that it is insensitive to what I feel. And the reason for that is, that nothing has been resolved. I feel as though because he is not on the receiving end, its very easy to say, move on, most likely so I can screw you over again lol. And thats the bad part, That's why I am highly considering divorce, bc it's the only way to stop myself from being used again. If he can't stop himself, I can stop myself from continuing to be here. There are so many good people out there, it's ridiculous for us to be whining over some users and abusers.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you posted the OM on cheaterville? Have you posted your wife?

Have you exposed the OM for the trash he is?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Someone said you have to forgive. I disagree. When someone wrongs us and betrays us you do not forgive, or forget. you can move on and not make it the focus of your daily thoughts in time, but you do not have to forgive or forget. 

I think people delude themselves and devalue their own feelings by "forgiving" when what they really mean is convincing themselves the pain and hate they feel aren't valid feelings. They are valid. They are us recognizing that we have been wronged and betrayed and that the person who did it to us is someone we should never trust or be kind to. they no longer deserve our being being nice or giving them any benefits or kindness.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Someone said you have to forgive. I disagree. When someone wrongs us and betrays us you do not forgive, or forget. you can move on and not make it the focus of your daily thoughts in time, but you do not have to forgive or forget.
> 
> I think people delude themselves and devalue their own feelings by "forgiving" when what they really mean is convincing themselves the pain and hate they feel aren't valid feelings. They are valid. They are us recognizing that we have been wronged and betrayed and that the person who did it to us is someone we should never trust or be kind to. they no longer deserve our being being nice or giving them any benefits or kindness.


Yes, I totally agree with you that the WS is not worthy of our trust, devotion, affection, and love anymore (at least not without any positive transformation). I also agree that all those feelings of anger and hate are valid. However, I believe we need to do this to preserve our own sanity. We cannot change others and the best we can do is to move on without any baggage. The longer we keep those feelings within us, the WS is winning. They wanted to hurt us and they keep doing it even after we BSs are done with them.

May be my thinking is not correct, may be I am way too passive. But if I have learned anything during this ordeal is that whatever happens happens for the good, and whatever doesn't happen doesn't happen for good. I am just glad that a cheater, liar, and heartless person is not going to control my life anymore. May be that sense of freedom is providing me with the power to forgive.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Take all that hate and focus it on something different. Start hating the man she made you become. Do let her win. Do not let her be right about. Do not be the guy everyone says to her, "How did you marry that guy?" Instead work on yourself. Move on and become the guy everyone says, "How did you leave him". DO NOT LET HER WIN! Stop hating and start living.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> The following is a rant!
> 
> My wife told me things I wish I hadn't heard. One was that she had fantasies of her and OM living together in the countryside and having a baby with him. (Vomit.) She was not even 5 months into the EA+PA when she started having these thoughts. It's sick. She's the mother of OUR two children and we had dreams too. Now that she's left me for him I feel destroyed and I hate her for it. It's the biggest F U any person can do to another. She ripped my heart to shreds and she's hurt our daughters for her own selfish gain. She's almost adolescent in her fantasies and she's in her thirties. Is that love she has for him? Part of me really hopes he cheats on her some day and she is heartbroken.


Nothing that starts like this can have a goof ending, even those stories I know that did start like this and lasted, have horrible problems and cheating patterns. Plus, peopel who jump from one relationship to another (without ending them, cheating) are just trying to fill a void within themselves that can not be filled because you will have problems in all relationships.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you posted the OM on cheaterville? Have you posted your wife?
> 
> Have you exposed the OM for the trash he is?


Cheaterville?:scratchhead:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I went to the dump, put on safety goggles and hurled glass against the back cement wall of the glass recycling pit. The local old men who worked there cheered me on. They were really my support team through the whole year of waiting for cheater-liar to return from deployment.

Other than that, I took up physical activities that required flow. Dance (tango, ballroom, Latin), archery, did more climbing ice and rock and indoor, yoga, sewed my kids Halloween costumes, took trumpet lessons to revive old studies in that...

I also went to see a shaman, who identified my 'stuck' anger and helped it to flow better. Also therapy and Rx, although that was also for aftereffects of severe anaphylactic reaction...but as that tweaked my adrenal system into full-force activity, I was dealing with more than the usual amount of anger response.

I also went into our old garage and took a shovel and slammed against the support beams. You need a sturdy structure for this and also safety goggles. 

I also just succumbed to nature at times. Taking walks, admiring the stars at night...being out in the woods living on my own for days at a time, no kids, etc. In the winter it was beautiful.

I also volunteered at an independent film theatre and was with people for long blocks of time there, and went to a lot of films.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> You sound awesome, Goose.
> 
> The family siding with the cheater happens all too often. Even if the family likes you and has embraced you, blood is still thicker.


I understand the blood thing but you know what my 2 year old is their blood, actually their only grandson and nephew and yet he has paid for his father' s mistakes.

One thing you should remember is that you only have 4 months under your after Dday, you still have a long way to go. Remember there are 5 emotional stages when we experience a loss and you can go through them and repeat them in no specific order. My therapist thinks that I am now in a passive aggressive mode that I had not before and it comes after you acknowledge you have overcome a few things (and so she says about me). This may sound weird but acknowledge and embrace each stage and your feelings. It will help you get through this and make you a better person, trust me!:smthumbup:


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Ok, my suggestion for your "hate"

The gym thing is good in general, I got so buff after my 1st marriage (now buffing up again). It will really boost your self-esteem. HOWEVER, while I'm lifting my mind is not active and instead MORE focused on all the history and feelings.

Violent video games are not just for kids. :smthumbup: I'd recommend online first person shooters (fps)... where you team up against other people around the world. Your mind will be 100% focused on the action on the screen and the surround sound effects. Something about blowing up another player, with a bazooka, just seems to crack a smile on my face.

Ok, I do not recommend this - but it's true. S6x. Lots of it. Not hateful stuff, just a lending ear and a willing body. Again, this can be very counterproductive/messy, so I wouldn't recommend this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Grey Goose said:


> Cheaterville?:scratchhead:


cheaterville.com !


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