# Disabled and need out



## disabledandmiserable (Jan 13, 2021)

I’m a 52 year old male with Primary Progressive MS. I’m still mobile only with a walker. My marriage has been on a downward spiral and I feel the end is finally here. As my disease has progressed my wife has become more abusive & neglectful emotionally, verbally and mentally. 

I cannot safely get in and out of the bathtub by myself. About a year ago I took a fall and she berated me for not having a shower chair. I decided to get one and showed it to her but she did not like it so I sent her 3 more items to look at and she did not like any of them and told me if I got one without her approval she would not help me set it up in the tub to use and has never offered to help find one. If she gets mad she’ll refuse to help me get bathed.

When she gets mad at me for the smallest thing she will refuse to cook or help me with food, I can eat on my own but preparation is difficult. (I can make a sandwich that’s about it) I once suggested a premade meal service as a supplement….she said no to that. I can’t get packages off our porch & into the house, she does that and told me if I subscribe she will not bring it inside.

I cannot do laundry myself as our laundry is downstairs and I cannot get there, again if mad she’ll refuse to wash my clothes. 

This last episode she got pissed over something trivial and has refused to talk to me for 2 days. (on my own for food & bathing etc.). A lot of this stems from depression ad what I believe to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder mixed with being brought up by abusive parents. But it is still unacceptable.

I need out for my own health, the stress is affecting my MS. I know this has turned into something way more toxic than I should be subjected to.

Here is my concern, I just want out. I would just like to walk out and leave everything (Material things can be replaced) & start new. I am the primary income earner, I always have been since we’ve been together. Now I work 100% from home.

I’m in Ohio & given I’m disabled (not on disability as I can still work) what are my options? 

Thank you


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Contact your primary care physician and explain the abuse and ask for contacts in agencies in Ohio that are supposed to help those who are abused.

Good luck and stay strong


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Ohio Domestic Violence Network
1-800-934-9840


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

This is abusive and neglectful. Please let your care team know, it’s inhumane. Your job, when you’re not well, is to just be unwell and be cared for. I can see that you’re trying to make suggestions and be proactive and she’s not letting you get help, nor is she helping you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Don't just leave everything to her. Do it the right way -- get with a lawyer.
Also, I agree -- she is abusive and that needs to stop NOW.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

disabledandmiserable said:


> I’m a 52 year old male with Primary Progressive MS. I’m still mobile only with a walker. My marriage has been on a downward spiral and I feel the end is finally here. As my disease has progressed my wife has become more abusive & neglectful emotionally, verbally and mentally.
> 
> I cannot safely get in and out of the bathtub by myself. About a year ago I took a fall and she berated me for not having a shower chair. I decided to get one and showed it to her but she did not like it so I sent her 3 more items to look at and she did not like any of them and told me if I got one without her approval she would not help me set it up in the tub to use and has never offered to help find one. If she gets mad she’ll refuse to help me get bathed.
> 
> ...


Your wife sounds like an awful person and I think you should get out. A lot of new apartment complexes have a few accessible units. That would be perfect for you. Don't just let her have it all keep as much as you possibly can. Find a good lawyer and talk it through. Good lawyers are usually well connected and they should be able to provide some help in finding resources to assist you transition.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Kamstel2 said:


> Ohio Domestic Violence Network
> 1-800-934-9840


Start with calling this number to get the process started.

Call a Lawyer.

Do that ASAP. 
Make sure to explain your situation as they should be able to get the ball rolling for dealing with abuse as the divorce is going on.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

I'm so sorry. What a horrible situation. I hope you get out of there asap. 

Good on those who posted resources.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with calling the hotline. You need to have as many things in order before you leave her, and they can tell you the steps to take.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

disabledandmiserable said:


> I am the primary income earner, I always have been since we’ve been together.
> this has turned into something way more toxic than I should be subjected to.
> A lot of this stems from depression ad what I believe to be Narcissistic Personality Disorder mixed with being brought up by abusive parents.
> I’m a 52 year old male


Assuming your wife is close in age with you, she has had 25 YEARS to straighten herself the hell out. "abusive parents" ceased to be an excuse a quarter century ago.
"depression" is a word used to describe the behavior of a lazy, self-interested, entitled shrew....and "narcissist", from a country-boy perspective, means somebody who thinks their **** don't stink....but, all the rest of us can't stand the stench of it.....

Get a lawyer, get a GOOD one, a "barracuda", who will make sure she does not get to continue "riding".


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Are you a Canadian living in Ohio? Sorry,I'm just confused by your username and attached flag.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let's take a deep breath for a minute here.

OP, is your wife your primary caregiver, or do you have additional help?


Does she work at all? Taking care of you sounds like a full time job, and caregiving is incredibly stressful. If she is your primary caregiver that's stressful enough, but if she also works maybe she's overwhelmed?

Caregivers often neglect themselves because their charge needs all of the attention. I think we can give better advice if we have a more complete picture of what's going on.

Do you have children?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

He’s the primary earner and always has been.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Luckylucky said:


> He’s the primary earner and always has been.


That doesn't mean she doesn't work.

It only means he makes most of the money.

I'm trying to understand what's being asked of her. Everyone is quite happy to get out the pitchforks, but full time caregiving has caused more than one breakdown.

Its interesting to me that nobody seems to have considered this possibility. Maybe she's a nasty *****, or maybe she's overwhelmed.

Frankly it's quite possible that him divorcing her might actually do her a favor, while he'll still have to find someone to care for him. Unless he makes a lot of money that won't be an easy task.

So let's do them both a favor and try to get a complete picture of what's going on. That always yields the best advice.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're in the US, you need to contact social services and maybe they can help you find a way out and protect you some. She's abusing you. Here is the central link for help.









Social Services


Programs and services such as TANF, Head Start, child care, and child support are designed to improve the well-being of individuals, families, and communities.




www.hhs.gov





There you will see a category for people with disabilities. Don't let her know you're contacting them, but contact them. If all else fails, dial 911. They will get ahold of someone.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

lifeistooshort said:


> That doesn't mean she doesn't work.
> 
> It only means he makes most of the money.
> 
> ...


Also what he said in the first post - he wants a divorce. He’s made a decision and not asking anything of her anymore.

Basic human needs are being denied (bathing and food, hygiene etc) and any attempt to try and find solutions for himself are also met with refusal. 

The able-bodied healthy person can ask for help and see someone about her own issues, if she’s going to have a breakdown. That’s 100% her responsibility.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I agree with lifetooshort....

It's easy to sit around and call someone a mean spirited and hurtful person, based on this story...I feel horrible for the OP...Its a dreadful situation, for sure....

And yeah...I know about "for better or worse, and in sickness or health" etc...But that then becomes a very hard burden for one relationship partner...Not everyone is really up for this thing...You have at that point, basically given up any hope of even just a "normal" everyday relationship...let alone the fun and enjoyable/recreational aspects that we all need and crave for in a relationship....Let's face it. 52 is very young to be in this position...Not that the guy needs to be dropped on his head over this as it's not his fault...but it's just a very tough situation...

What may be compounding this is she is feeling like she may be stuck over finances, hence why she is feeling so angry and resentful....The situation is bad enough as it is, that may be just making it that more difficult...She could even be sexually pent up/frustrated...Who knows? 

I don't have a definitive opinion here, only to say that I wont just condemn the wife, like the other poster mentioned, perhaps we need more details here..


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> I agree with lifetooshort....
> 
> It's easy to sit around and call someone a mean spirited and hurtful person, based on this story...I feel horrible for the OP...Its a dreadful situation, for sure....
> 
> ...


I’m not condemning her either, but her options are so much more open than the person with relapsing progressive multiple sclerosis. He’s made a great decision given his dreadful lifetime diagnosis.

I am sure, that from the beginning of his illness, she’s been along for the medical appointments and had ample opportunities to talk with the health professionals about her future, supports available to her as a spouse and to cry for help/access to disability supports, financial supports and services at home.

The law does not look favourably on a spouse who was struggling in cases where a child, elderly person or disabled person was neglected or abused. If something serious happens to him, and it seems it’s heading this way, the consequences for her will be serious.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Just checking in on you.

How are you doing?
Have you been able to connect with someone to help you escape the abusive situation you are/were in?

Hope you are safe and ok.
Seems like there are many people here worried about you and have you in their prayers (mine too, even though I’m not overly and outwardly religious)

Please take care of yourself and do what you must. You are stronger than you think. You can handle this situation, you just need to say “ENOUGH!” And do what you know you must do.


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## disabledandmiserable (Jan 13, 2021)

Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in on you.
> 
> How are you doing?
> Have you been able to connect with someone to help you escape the abusive situation you are/were in?
> ...


Thank you so much for your concern, and everyone else. 

After a few days of critical thinking and giving myself time to calm down and rationalize things out, I am focusing my attention on building up my mobility. I am putting pieces in place to leave and I want to be as independent as I can. Moving to an unfamiliar place alone will have its challenges and the stronger I am physically and more mobile will ease that challenge. I have been dealing with this situation for a while an I can deal with it for a few more months, I want to break free of this when it's warmer and my body can handle it.

There is no physical violence, I'm mentally and emotionally strong enough to deal with the rest of it and can play the game. One of the biggest hurdles was opening up about my Ms and marriage situation. I'm generally very private, but have a close work friend that I have recently opened up to about it has lifted a very heavy weight off me. We talk almost everyday and we discuss struggles in each others lives and it helps. They have assured me when the time comes, they'll be there to help no matter what.

Thank you again.


Kamstel2 said:


> Just checking in on you.
> 
> How are you doing?
> Have you been able to connect with someone to help you escape the abusive situation you are/were in?
> ...


Thank you so much for your concern, and everyone else. 

After a few days of critical thinking and giving myself time to calm down and rationalize things out, I am focusing my attention on building up my mobility. I am putting pieces in place to leave and I want to be as independent as I can. Moving to an unfamiliar place alone will have its challenges and the stronger I am physically and more mobile will ease that challenge. I have been dealing with this situation for a while an I can deal with it for a few more months, I want to break free of this when it's warmer and my body can handle it.

There is no physical violence, and I'm mentally and emotionally strong enough to deal with the rest of it and can play the game. One of the biggest hurdles was opening up about my MS and marriage situation. I'm generally very private, but have a close work friend that I have recently opened up to and it has lifted a very heavy weight off me. We talk almost everyday and we discuss struggles in each others lives and it helps. They have assured me when the time comes, they'll be there to help no matter what.



Thank you again.


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## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Then I will wish you nothing but good luck.
Have you talked to a lawyer yet?


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