# The last goodbye



## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

I have been diagnosed with a progressive neurological disease. Due to the nature of the disease, I seriously doubt I will ever travel to my birth home after the next visit.

In order to prevent a lot of misunderstanding, I am having a *group lunch* with a bunch of old friends where I intend to make the announcement and tell them I do not expect to return and will most likely never see them again.

The issue is whether I invite a couple of old girlfriends to the lunch. These are people I was once close to, but now are just friends. I would like to invite them and my spouse is opposed.

Since this is the *"last goodbye"* to a bunch of people at lunch, I do not see the harm. Any thoughts.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is your spouse going? And what reasons does she give for objecting?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Go for it.
Nobody in their right mind would deny you a chance to say farewell to people who once meant a great deal to you.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I haven't read your previous threads, but was their infidelity or an improper relationship with them in the past? Do you and your wife have some agreement about no contact at all with old boyfriends and old girlfriends?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Is it ALS? God, please don't say it's Lou Gherig's Disease. My great uncle had that.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Lost my dad to ALS in '95 and due to the prolonged nature of "departing" I learned some lessons. My dad was very, very close to my ex wife, who became a WAW 6 days before dad was diagnosed at age 54. I learned years later after dad died that she had an affair and left me to be with posom. My dad was also very close to ex wife's parents, who turned out to be toxic enablers. Somehow, dad (and I) knew something wasn't right (gut feeling) and dad chose not to say goodbye to them. I'm so glad he did not cast his pearls before the swine. 

You should decide if your old girlfriends are really girlenemies. If any ever betrayed you then... you know the rest.


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## whowouldhavethought (Jun 15, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I haven't read your previous threads, but was their infidelity or an improper relationship with them in the past? Do you and your wife have some agreement about no contact at all with old boyfriends and old girlfriends?


There is absolutely no infidelity. These are long term people I knew before I met my wife. There is no agreement re contact since for the most part (99%) the only contact has been Xmas and Bday cards.

Old girlfriend is long time married and her husband knows I exist.

WWHT


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What is the basis of your wife's position?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If there has been no infidelity or inappropriate nature in these friendships, then I really don't understand your wife's position. It seems very unfair.

I would think this is the one time in your life where you're allowed to disregard others feelings if they don't align with yours. Invite them, if wifey doesn't like it, she doesn't have to go.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It's not about her....it's about you...it's about saying goodbye to the people who have known you, who have shared moments and times with....it's your chance while you can to break bread and mend hearts, to share a tear and luagh while you are around to do so, and she is being selfish not to offer this gift to you. This is a gift of the heart. Because this is a journey of one...i hope that what ever time remains you are blessed with all that can be....god bless you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

My brother had ALS, rapid onset. He had 2 1/2 years. Are you by any chance making a stop in Sweden?

Do you really want your wife to have to deal with lingering doubts and questions about what your real feelings are, or what they were? Should she be left with questions? Do you really think there is anything you can say that will leave no doubt in her mind who you really love when you would include them in your final goodbyes?

Yes, you're the one who is dying, but what thoughts and feelings do you wish to leave behind? Isn't there some other way to say good bye to your ex GF's without making all your friends to witness your wife having to deal with that?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

One of the most poignant threads I remember from CWI was one where an ex-husband found out his former wayward wife, whom he had long since divorced, was terminally ill. He wanted to visit her and yet was conflicted as to whether he should. After a lot of discussion, hearing both pros and cons, he visited her and got to say his final good-bye to her. He felt a lot of comfort I think from that visit. That was a thread from about two years ago.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It may be that from your wife's perspective, she's reeling from the news her husband is going to die from a degenerative neurological condition, only to then find that what he wants to do with the time he has left is spend it cozying up with his exes. I'm not saying that's what you're doing, or that her thinking is entirely logical. But she may be jealous of the time you two have left together, so finding out you want to spend some of it with your exes may be very lowering to her. 

The news of your diagnosis has been devastating for you, but it's also been devastating for your wife. Talk to her, find out what her concerns really are, see if there's a way to handle this situation that you can both be comfortable with.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Lost my dad to ALS in '95 and due to the prolonged nature of "departing" I learned some lessons. My dad was very, very close to my ex wife, who became a WAW 6 days before dad was diagnosed at age 54. I learned years later after dad died that she had an affair and left me to be with posom. My dad was also very close to ex wife's parents, who turned out to be toxic enablers. Somehow, dad (and I) knew something wasn't right (gut feeling) and dad chose not to say goodbye to them. I'm so glad he did not cast his pearls before the swine.
> 
> You should decide if your old girlfriends are really girlenemies. If any ever betrayed you then... you know the rest.


Affairs, being gas-lighted, being cheated and deceived can raise all kinds of stress and pain in someone. Personally I think it can manifest in physical illness. So it's possible your dad being cheated on was messing his mind up.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Sorry to hear, that's horrible.

If your spouse doesn't like it, don't do it.

Also, I'm not sure I would make a big announcement out of all this.....sometime it's better/easier to just let things happen.

Expect a WHOLE lot of attention you would never get if you didn't make the announcement. Attention that can and probably will make you more sick.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Sorry for your health troubles.

Your wife has to deal with many issues as well as you.

She is the one that you should receive most of your of your concern.

Good luck to you and your wife.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

whowouldhavethought said:


> I have been diagnosed with a progressive neurological disease. Due to the nature of the disease, I seriously doubt I will ever travel to my birth home after the next visit.
> 
> In order to prevent a lot of misunderstanding, I am having a *group lunch* with a bunch of old friends where I intend to make the announcement and tell them I do not expect to return and will most likely never see them again.
> 
> ...


Anybody in the uneviable position of having to say a "last goodbye" due to a serious illness can, and should, say goodbye to whomever the hell they please.

I don't even think you should be consulting your wife in this circumstance. Tell her who is going to the lunch and go. End of story.



Coffee Amore said:


> I haven't read your previous threads, but was their infidelity or an improper relationship with them in the past? Do you and your wife have some agreement about no contact at all with old boyfriends and old girlfriends?


I remember that. It was one of the most powerful threads I've ever read on any message board.


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