# Puzzled & irratated rant



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Couple of things either confusing me or irking me.

1. From my original thread, my wife had a abusive high school relationship. Didn't find out until after married.
About a year after we got married, I tried to get into shower with wife to shower together. She was NOT happy. Would not say why. This was before I found out about her past. Fast forward to after I said we were going to work on sex or get divorced. I told her we don't need to have sex in shower, but rather it is nice just spend time washing each other. She has taken a few showers with me. One of the last times, I was washing her vajayjay and noticed her clit was hard. I lightly rubbed it and she said it felt good. So I kept up the same tempo and pressure. After about 20 more seconds, she closed her thighs and turned away from me. I figured she maybe got too sensitive.

I asked her if she got too sensitive a couple of hours later, she said "No, but that's not what we were in there for" I asked what was wrong with her closing her eyes and just leaning on me & letting it go all the way, but she wouldn't answer.

2. My wife is a good baker, but normally does not bake a lot. I have noticed a trend and even my kids have noticed it, even thou I haven't said anything to them about it.

My one son said to me "Dad, tell mom you're going on a diet so she will make some of her cookies.

Even if I don't say a word about trying to lose weight, if she figures out I am trying to cut back, I come home to the kitchen full of chocolate cookies, caramel rolls, etc. Granted, she doesn't put a gun to my head to force me to eat them, but is sure makes a diet a lot harder when your all time favorite goodies are cooling on the stove when you come home from work.

Any and all thoughts welcome!

ps - I made a walk in shower in our house, so it's not like we are cramped in a tiny tub shower.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> 1. From my original thread, my wife had a abusive high school relationship. Didn't find out until after married.
> About a year after we got married, I tried to get into shower with wife to shower together. She was NOT happy. Would not say why. This was before I found out about her past. Fast forward to after I said we were going to work on sex or get divorced. I told her we don't need to have sex in shower, but rather it is nice just spend time washing each other. She has taken a few showers with me. One of the last times, I was washing her vajayjay and noticed her clit was hard. I lightly rubbed it and she said it felt good. So I kept up the same tempo and pressure. After about 20 more seconds, she closed her thighs and turned away from me. I figured she maybe got too sensitive.
> 
> I asked her if she got too sensitive a couple of hours later, she said "No, but that's not what we were in there for" I asked what was wrong with her closing her eyes and just leaning on me & letting it go all the way, but she wouldn't answer.


As someone who is used to having had various women enthusiastically do what I want sexually with great frequency, I find your approach on this somewhat counterproductive.

She liked it to a point then decided she didn't want more, which is fine.

That said you asked her why and she told you, there was probably actually nothing wrong and she meant it when she said you referred to why you were in the shower together.

If I were you I would have accepted her wanting me to stop without making it an issue.

Then if I did ask the question as you did, I would accept her answer especially since I was playing silly games in not being honest in my conduct. Yet you chose to seek further clarification and explanation, which is a lot like telling your wife her answer wasn't good enough. Yet at every turn she has afforded you a direct response, even while you got her in the shower under false pretences.

The way I read your approach in this instance is this. She tells you what she doesn't want to do, which is have sex in the shower (which is bleh for many of us). Yet you don't like that answer and figure if you can get her in the shower for other reasons, you may convince her otherwise in the moment.

Doing that seems like the clumsy wanderings of a teenager, who erroneously believes that the only way into a woman's pants is by subterfuge.

Instead of this namby pamby somewhat dishonest approach. You would do well to be completely up front and say you want her in the shower for sex alone. Rather than telling her you "just" want to shower with her and then trying it on, which is not being honest.

Then if she is up for it, she say yes and or will do exactly that. While if she isn't up for it, she will instead turn you down and not do that.

By being direct you remove ambiguity and also show yourself as being true. Rather than getting her into something under false pretences. It also affords your partner to be direct with you. In combination with being very direct you do not use subterfuge to create sexual opportunities and do not pressure ones partner to do things they don't want to.

In my experience the power of successfully being sexually direct, is founded upon being honest and accepting directness in return. Then honouring that, even when it does not conform with your desires or wants.



FrazzledSadHusband said:


> 2. My wife is a good baker, but normally does not bake a lot. I have noticed a trend and even my kids have noticed it, even thou I haven't said anything to them about it.
> 
> My one son said to me "Dad, tell mom you're going on a diet so she will make some of her cookies.
> 
> Even if I don't say a word about trying to lose weight, if she figures out I am trying to cut back, I come home to the kitchen full of chocolate cookies, caramel rolls, etc. Granted, she doesn't put a gun to my head to force me to eat them, but is sure makes a diet a lot harder when your all time favorite goodies are cooling on the stove when you come home from work.


As for cooking and dieting, your wife is not responsible for your dieting in fact by exposing you to temptation she is doing you a favour by not humouring you and not being responsible for your own choices.

Seriously if you can't not eat some cookies at home, how are you going to manage going out without falling to temptation. As to responsibility if you want to diet, you do exactly that and control yourself and take responsibility for yourself. Otherwise you might want to find a book about how to diet while being co-dependant.

Oh and good luck with dieting and good for you as well for going there.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

FSD, i am was molested as a teenager. I am fine now. My H and I enjoy a very active sex life. However, sometimes when he is touching my boobs, something will trigger. I am sure he has touched me a millions excatly like that but every now and then a touch would just touch something in my brain. And its becomes nasty and my body feels revolting. All my shame and self loathing will flash into every cell of my being for a few minutes. 

I usually will remove him hand and tell him my boobs feels nasty. We hug for a few moments and i mentally talk myself off of those feelings. I remind myself that i love this man and i am doing something that is good and loving.

Maybe, you trying to have sex or trying to push for something sexually is triggering her bad memories. So, use showering as a caring instrument to take care and indugle eachother with some loving acts.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Personal said:


> As for cooking and dieting, your wife is not responsible for your dieting in fact by exposing you to temptation she is doing you a favour by not humouring you and not being responsible for your own choices.
> 
> *Seriously if you can't not eat some cookies at home, how are you going to manage going out without falling to temptation. *As to responsibility if you want to diet, you do exactly that and control yourself and take responsibility for yourself. Otherwise you might want to find a book about how to diet while being co-dependant.


Sorry, I do not agree with this at all. It is 10 times harder to resist delicious food made personally for you at home by the person you love, presented in the home environment where you are relaxed and have your guard down. Home quality made food from wholesome ingredients is no comparison to the crappy artificial food options available when "going out". At least in the US, almost all restaurant food from the high to low end is oversalted, oversugared, and overspiced to overstimulate the corroded palates of corrupted consumers. I know this is a bit of a rant, but ...

Most people succeed in something by putting themselves on a path that removes temptations from sight. That is not really "humoring" someone. The comment about the cookies reads so strangely to me, like saying "If you can't control your lust for other women while drinking in the strip club, how are you going to manage waiting in line at airport security?'

Home-baked cookies...my mouth is watering.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Are the two you active in church activities? Or active in doing things together?

Does she ever put a "quietus" on other things that you may like to do?*


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Personal said:


> As someone who is used to having had various women enthusiastically do what I want sexually with great frequency, I find your approach on this somewhat counterproductive.
> 
> She liked it to a point then decided she didn't want more, which is fine.
> 
> ...


It isn't a game in the shower. I did not have sex as the end result. My wife has always felt uncomfortable being seen naked. I told her I wanted to see her, not be always literally in the dark. My wife has never communicated when something has felt good. She surprised me when she said "Oooh, that feels good!" So I continued. I asked her about it later because it went from something good to her stopping it. When we talked later, I simply stated if it feels good for her, I would like her to let me rub one out for her, and I expect nothing in return.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Are the two you active in church activities? Or active in doing things together?
> 
> Does she ever put a "quietus" on other things that you may like to do?*


We have been doing more & more activities together. Although I am more outgoing than she is. After church, if we stop to talk to someone we know, she will be out in the car in about a minute waiting for me. I know one of her love languages is quality time, so I make it a priority to pay attention to her.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> FSD, i am was molested as a teenager. I am fine now. My H and I enjoy a very active sex life. However, sometimes when he is touching my boobs, something will trigger. I am sure he has touched me a millions excatly like that but every now and then a touch would just touch something in my brain. And its becomes nasty and my body feels revolting. All my shame and self loathing will flash into every cell of my being for a few minutes.
> 
> I usually will remove him hand and tell him my boobs feels nasty. We hug for a few moments and i mentally talk myself off of those feelings. I remind myself that i love this man and i am doing something that is good and loving.
> 
> Maybe, you trying to have sex or trying to push for something sexually is triggering her bad memories. So, use showering as *a caring instrument to take care and indugle eachother with some loving acts.*


*
*

This is what I was using it for. Her "Ooh that feels good!" is what led me to continue.

Your post above is insightful. There are times when something she usually likes will put a full STOP to our time together. I don't push or argue, but later I do ask her what I could do different. Most of time, answer is "I don't know".


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She obviously still has a long way to go to get mentally healthy. She exhibits self defeating and somewhat destructive behaviors.

These need examined because the cause and cure are anybody's guess.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Two months into my strength training (and packing on some noticeable muscle) my wife started to bake some sweets too.

I felt it was her attempt to keep us on level playing field so I wouldn't "out-fit" her. I declined to eat them twice and she stopped trying after that


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Although it may feel good in one way, standing in the shower while someone tries to rub one out on me would be about the most awkward and unsexy place for it to happen, for me. It doesn't matter if my partner thinks I look sexy, it doesn't feel sexy to me and I can't relax into it while standing, leaning against cold tile, and having to navigate another person's body in there with me at the same time. The shower itself and washing each other is sexy for me, but it doesn't lead me to want to get off in there.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

You are a brave soul to take on such damage.... She is still totally broken and if her idea is that sex will be in a far and few between, I don't see any real bonding done in the form of a loving marriage. It's not her fault, but it isn't yours either. You want to express your love as a man and a woman. Nothing wrong with that. And she is still harboring the trauma of her past. I don't see that as much fun for either of you. But like I said, you are a brave man to be taking this on. But the real betrayal, intent or not is that she hid the abuse (understandable) until AFTER you were married. I just don't see how one can hide something that important...


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