# Separated, not sure how to win my wife back



## Agnostadin (Jun 14, 2016)

OK, so my wife [29F] and I [29M] have been separated for a while now. She is staying at a friend's house. So, the start of our relationship was pretty rocky. I was going through a divorce with my first wife and was in a state of confusion as to what I needed and wanted. We got together and broke up a couple times, and then I finally figured things out, and we got together permanently for the final time. We are separated right now because my wife discovered text messages I had been sending to my ex-wife in between the times when we were together. In those text messages I had expressed feelings of regret about leaving my ex-wife, and feelings I'd had for another woman I had been talking to prior. There was a lot of verbal affection, and talking about our previous sex life. All very traumatizing for my current wife to stumble upon, I completely understand that. But anyway, we are separated right now because my wife feels like I settled for her. Like she was my third choice, and because my ex-wife didn't want me back, and this other girl didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that I chose her because neither other Avenue panned out. That is absolutely not the case. I just finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized I left my ex-wife for a reason, and that this other girl was a lost cause at best, and chose to commit myself to a future with my current wife. She feels betrayed by me, as these conversations occurred up until about a week before we got together for the last time. It's been more than a year since then. 

Currently my wife and I are separated due to those feelings (of being a 3rd choice and feeling like I settled for her.) regardless of me telling her otherwise, she still feels like we can't make this work until she gets over this. She's constantly posting passive aggresive quotes on Facebook about lying and betrayal. She barely has conversations with me, and when I try to talk to her about our marriage, she just says she needs time and space to figure herself out. It's been 2.5 months, and she's still feeling conflicted aboit whether or not she wants to be with me. She says she misses me and that she still loves me, but that she's not ready to come home yet. It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other. The waiting is killing me. I feel like I should just go "ghost" and just not talk to her over messaging at all, and let her miss me, but then I don't want her to think I've grown cold and don't care. I don't want to to come off as desperate, but I want my wife to come back home. How do I win my wife back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry that no one has posted, I will give a couple of comments based on what I see. I know I will sound harsh, but this is how I see it.



Agnostadin said:


> We are separated right now because my wife discovered text messages I had been sending to my ex-wife in between the times when we were together. In those text messages I had expressed feelings of regret about leaving my ex-wife, and feelings I'd had for another woman I had been talking to prior.


The fact that you kept all those messages for so long is very telling. To me, it seems like you want to look at those messages and think about your ex-wife. No surprise that your current wife is upset. If you are really over your ex, those messages would have been long gone.



Agnostadin said:


> She's constantly posting passive aggresive quotes on Facebook about lying and betrayal. She barely has conversations with me, and when I try to talk to her about our marriage, she just says she needs time and space to figure herself out.


"Time & space" is a woman's polite way to say that she is done without actually saying out loud. The constant posts should be a clue that she is still upset.

My advice would be to stop following her social media.




Agnostadin said:


> It's been 2.5 months, and she's still feeling conflicted aboit whether or not she wants to be with me. She says she misses me and that she still loves me, but that she's not ready to come home yet. It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other.


She doesn't want to spend any time with you, another clue. 

Other than asking her is she is coming home and telling her she is your number one, have you been doing anything to show her that she is important to you? Flowers, heartfelt letters, any open & honest communication? Trust is earned and just sitting around waiting for her is not going to do it. It will require action & words, and it still may not work.

This is not what you want to hear, but you may want to plan to move on with your life without her. That was a huge betrayal of her trust to first find the messages and then second to read the content. Take this as a life lesson.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

She can't miss you if you won't go away.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Is your wife right?

Is she number 2 or 3?

From what you posted it sounds like she is. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Agnostadin (Jun 14, 2016)

Ceegee said:


> Is your wife right?
> 
> Is she number 2 or 3?
> 
> ...


She is my second wife. My first one I was with for almost 11 years (dating + marriage).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'd decide on a length of time I was willing to wait. I would tell her I loved her and was willing to wait for her until that time had expired. Then I'd go on with my life and eventually hope to forget her.

I would also try to find out if she were "dating", and if she were, I'd cut her loose and move on.

2.5 months gone? Separations usually result in divorce. Not always, but most. Her actions say she's moving on. I'd listen to her actions.
Yeah, you messed up. But it's on the past. What you have done since you were married should count, too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Please google, _"Reconciling with a Hardened Wife." _For some reason I am unable to link it for you.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Agnostadin said:


> OK, so my wife [29F] and I [29M] have been separated for a while now. She is staying at a friend's house. So, the start of our relationship was pretty rocky. I was going through a divorce with my first wife and was in a state of confusion as to what I needed and wanted. We got together and broke up a couple times, and then I finally figured things out, and we got together permanently for the final time.


These are signs that your relationship is one that is (statistically) almost doomed to fail. However, there is a ton that you can do about it. Relationships that fail were allowed to fail. Work can defy any statistic.


> We are separated right now because my wife discovered text messages I had been sending to my ex-wife in between the times when we were together. In those text messages I had expressed feelings of regret about leaving my ex-wife, and feelings I'd had for another woman I had been talking to prior. There was a lot of verbal affection, and talking about our previous sex life. All very traumatizing for my current wife to stumble upon, I completely understand that.


You are going to face this challenge, potentially always in this relationship. It is good that you understand her side; there is little you can do to erase her pain. It can strike her, even if she says "I forgive you."




> But anyway, we are separated right now because my wife feels like I settled for her. Like she was my third choice, and because my ex-wife didn't want me back, and this other girl didn't want to be in a relationship with me, that I chose her because neither other Avenue panned out. That is absolutely not the case. I just finally pulled my head out of my ass and realized I left my ex-wife for a reason, and that this other girl was a lost cause at best, and chose to commit myself to a future with my current wife. She feels betrayed by me, as these conversations occurred up until about a week before we got together for the last time. It's been more than a year since then.


You can only show your wife how you will be to her. You can't withdraw yourself from the past.



> Currently my wife and I are separated due to those feelings (of being a 3rd choice and feeling like I settled for her.) regardless of me telling her otherwise, she still feels like we can't make this work until she gets over this. She's constantly posting passive aggresive quotes on Facebook about lying and betrayal. She barely has conversations with me, and when I try to talk to her about our marriage, she just says she needs time and space to figure herself out. It's been 2.5 months, and she's still feeling conflicted aboit whether or not she wants to be with me.


It won't get better, as she ruminates and obsesses about the pain. She has to find inner strength to get over it, otherwise it is a sign of failure.



> She says she misses me and that she still loves me, but that she's not ready to come home yet. It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other. The waiting is killing me. I feel like I should just go "ghost" and just not talk to her over messaging at all, and let her miss me, but then I don't want her to think I've grown cold and don't care. I don't want to to come off as desperate, but I want my wife to come back home. How do I win my wife back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Do nothing out of desperation.
2. Be extremely low-key

She is going to react negatively to any type of force or pressure. You have to get in behind her castle walls. It is her that has to demolish her walls, not you. To do this, the connection has to be re-established. As such, she will combat her own negative feelings, regarding being settled for. She might have a negative thought and say "I was settled for, this is awful" and combat that feeling by saying "look how perfect he treats me, there's no way he did this for anyone else, or would do this for anyone but me."

3. Don't "work" on the relationship or "fight" for the relationship.

This speaks to desperation and force/pressure, as well. All you can do is show her the truth. Show her complete understanding, acceptance and unconditional love for her. The minute you say "but what about all I do for you", you are falling into a routine that sabotages reconciliation. Even if you meet up with her and she starts going on about the past, don't become defensive and try to prove her wrong. Just listen. But also, remember that you need to just enjoy the moment, as if you just met her. Listen to her, but don't continue in that dialogue "working" to fix things. It just always leads to the couple focusing too much on the pain. If you listen, you validate her, show her acceptance and understanding, and then allow the conversation to move on from there.

When you master acceptance and understanding, she will come back much easier. You might offer to meet up with her for lunch, and she might reject you. If you take this well, you show her that you are truly there for her. Eventually, she will come around.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think "working" or "fighting" for the relationship is doing the things you mentioned in your last two paragraphs, RT.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

C3156 said:


> .The fact that you kept all those messages for so long is very telling. To me, it seems like you want to look at those messages and think about your ex-wife. No surprise that your current wife is upset. If you are really over your ex, those messages would have been long gone.


This was my first thought when I read the post. Why is he 'holding on' to those texts? 

OP- If you are in fact done with your ex, why are you holding on?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Agnostadin said:


> She is my second wife. My first one I was with for almost 11 years (dating + marriage).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



What I think @Ceegee was asking was, is it true that your current wife is your #2 or #3 CHOICE? You say "no", your wife says "yes", your actions say....maybe.

Why did your first marriage end? If you were not married and your first ex-W wanted you back, would you go?

If you were not married, would you have pursued a relationship this this "another woman"?

While I nearly ALWAYS favor this advice:

1. Do nothing out of desperation.
2. Be extremely low-key

playing it low key or not working or fighting for her sends the wrong message - that you really do not care about her enough to make the effort.


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## Agnostadin (Jun 14, 2016)

Well, I'm pretty devastated right now. Last night I found out the friend that she's been staying with, which is a guy BTW, she has been sleeping with during our separation, and I've heard accounts from people that they're going on like they are a couple. I called her on it, and she admitted to it, but said it hasn't changed her feelings about me, and that she hasn't given up hope for us fixing things. Are. You kidding me? I don't even know what to think about anything anymore. I guess that explains some things, and puts things in perspective for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Now you know what we all knew. Move on, let her go. You'll be fine, divorce #2 can't be bad. My divorce was simple and I have no issues going through it again. Life is too short to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you. I'd probably never get married again if my 2nd marriage failed. Why even bother? Just have fun. Sorry bud, but your life will be better soon.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Man, I know you are hurting. Just remember one thing - actions mean more than words - her actions and you actions.

Re-read @Evinrude58 Post #6. You gave her time. Plenty of time. She made her choice. It is probably that the only way you will get her back is if the other OM dumps her. Would you want her back then? Think about it. She thinks she is your #2 or #3 choice. Right or wrong, she feels that way. If she came back to you, would you still want her knowing that you are her #2 choice?

Why does she just not end it with her? She likes that you still want her and that makes her feel she is better than just #2/3, but not enough to dump the other guy for you. 

File separation and divorce papers. When you give them to her, tell her you will not be her #2, that neither of you should be the other's #2. Tell her you love her, she is your #1, but want her to be happy and that you are giving her freedom to be happy.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> 1. Do nothing out of desperation.
> 2. Be extremely low-key
> 
> playing it low key or not working or fighting for her sends the wrong message - that you really do not care about her enough to make the effort.


If she is disconnected, and doesn't want to be with him, then low-key is a must.

How does the unattractive guy get the woman that is not attracted to him? He is low-key, and builds a connection with her. If he is too obvious, she mounts a defense that prevents any connection from being built.

Relationships fail because people don't live in the moment. There is no problem in the present moment, only problems that individuals summon forth from the past, or implicate upon the present - forward to the future.

If he says, he'd like to hang out with her.

She might resist, as it might be perceived as him trying to invalidate her pain. She is attached to that pain. There are nuances of power and control here. If she resists, especially along these lines, his only option is to say "I just want to spend some time with you." If done right, she will deem it harmless and not threatening her victimhood.

From there, the relationship can actually be worked on. But, what you find is that the issues that seem insurmountable will actually vanish when the connection is re-established. 

If partners stay in the mindset of "fight for", then they almost always keep the relationship from staying connected. 

As you are bringing up, someone's pride will question a partner that "isn't fighting" for the relationship. In many instances, this is a destructive mindset to the relationship. Feeding each others' prides doesn't build unconditional love. It is a tough reality, but the reality, nevertheless.

In this case, she might give outbursts of negativity (sad/angry). The most powerful way for him to react is as if he was reaching over and compassionately putting his hand on her shoulder, while giving zero punishment for her negativity. The hardest part of this is not taking her outburst negatively, as the partner (her) will very often take a negative emotional reaction (his) as a personal attack against them (her).


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## Agnostadin (Jun 14, 2016)

They were on an old phone I didn't use anymore that had been put in a drawer. She pulled it out to do some digging, I assume.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Relationship Teacher said:


> If she is disconnected, and doesn't want to be with him, then low-key is a must.


Ok. I was just going by my instincts, which are probably all wrong. 

OP, ignore my advice.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

ReturntoZero said:


> She can't miss you if you won't go away.


This.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Agnostadin:

Well, I guess I posted too soon.

Why are you still engaged in conversation with her? All it is doing is allowing her to justify her playing wife to a man other than her husband.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think that it is also important to note here that this is what can happen when you start a new relationship before you have finished the previous one. Finding out the rest of the story made her feel like she was playing second fiddle to the other women. Now she has made you number 2, just like you did her as a means of retribution. If the other man works out fine, if not then she will give you another try. You can sit patiently waiting for her return or just go live your life.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Agnostadin said:


> Well, I'm pretty devastated right now. Last night I found out the friend that she's been staying with, which is a guy BTW, she has been sleeping with during our separation, and I've heard accounts from people that they're going on like they are a couple. I called her on it, and she admitted to it, but said it hasn't changed her feelings about me, and that she hasn't given up hope for us fixing things. Are. You kidding me? I don't even know what to think about anything anymore. I guess that explains some things, and puts things in perspective for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's probably used this issue as an excuse to move in with her affair partner. This was probably planned and dont be surprised if the affair was ongoing well before she moved out to be with him.

You're being played for a fool. File immediately and get out of this mess.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Agnostadin said:


> Currently my wife and I are separated due to those feelings (of being a 3rd choice and feeling like I settled for her.) regardless of me telling her otherwise, she still feels like we can't make this work until she gets over this. She's constantly posting passive aggresive quotes on Facebook about lying and betrayal. She barely has conversations with me, and when I try to talk to her about our marriage, she just says she needs time and space to figure herself out. *It's been 2.5 months, and she's still feeling conflicted aboit whether or not she wants to be with me. She says she misses me and that she still loves me, but that she's not ready to come home yet.* It's been 2 weeks since we last saw each other. The waiting is killing me. I feel like I should just go "ghost" and just not talk to her over messaging at all, and let her miss me, but then I don't want her to think I've grown cold and don't care. I don't want to to come off as desperate, but I want my wife to come back home. How do I win my wife back?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


cake eating liar. She's banging her other man while you wait for her to miss you. Gonna be a long wait pal. You should have known something was up when she moved in with another man. "We're just friends"?????


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Agnostadin said:


> Well, I'm pretty devastated right now. Last night I found out the friend that she's been staying with, which is a guy BTW, she has been sleeping with during our separation, and I've heard accounts from people that they're going on like they are a couple. I called her on it, and she admitted to it, but said it hasn't changed her feelings about me, and that she hasn't given up hope for us fixing things. Are. You kidding me? I don't even know what to think about anything anymore. I guess that explains some things, and puts things in perspective for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you content with being Plan B?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Well people who feel one they're second or third best are at risk to find someone else.

Seems to me that OP decided he wanted her after realizing choices one and two weren't going anywhere. What he calls getting his head out of his arse could also be seen as realizing he had the best chance with choice three. 

I really don't see how this is any different.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
May I ask this question. If she feels slighted because you were in contact with these other women PRIOR to taking a vow to love, honor and cherish her till death do you part then what message has she sent you by sleeping with a man AFTER taking the same vow? I suggest you give this considerable thought.


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## Agnostadin (Jun 14, 2016)

No, I'm not. I'm done. Told her as well. She's still flip flopping saying she eventually wants to come home, just not right now, and I just keep telling her it's over. It'll sink into her head eventually. I'm working on me, and moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Agnostadin said:


> No, I'm not. I'm done. Told her as well. *She's still flip flopping saying she eventually wants to come home, just not right now*, and I just keep telling her it's over. It'll sink into her head eventually. I'm working on me, and moving on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She just needs more time to play with Om, then she'll be back. Just another week. Maybe 2.

/sarc


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Agnostadin said:


> No, I'm not. I'm done. Told her as well. She's still flip flopping saying she eventually wants to come home, just not right now, and I just keep telling her it's over. It'll sink into her head eventually. I'm working on me, and moving on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you.

She is a joke......she feels so betrayed that during your separation period after your D that you had some communications that showed you were conflicted?

Well, as upsetting as that might be (and yes, I can see how it would hurt her), it is a FAR CRY from living with and f*cking another man WHILE you two are married.

Next time she says she wants to come home in the future, just tell her to go pound sand because that door is closed forever.....you're right, eventually it will sink into her selfish head.


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