# Wife wants divorce/separation



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Me and my wife have been together for almost ten year married for one. I was not the best partner. I held a lot in my chest for a long time, perceived wrongs I thought had been done to me. I had a blow up one day and the next day she went to her sister's and when she was supposed to come home I got a call she is going to her mom's. At that point she would not even call or pick my phone calls up. Rightfully so. Go forward a few weeks and she picks my calls up most of the time and will talk with me for a few minutes before getting off the phone. She is giving me hugs and we are going on a hike nature trail tomorrow with our kids. She has talked about getting a divorce. I had not seen any paper as of yet. I really do not want to lose her as my wife I just do not know how to feel with her still letting me give her hugs and going out with our boys. She says she is done with me I am just not sure because of her interaction with me. Everyday she seems to allow a little more each week. I have made a lot of steps in the last month to change the way I act and respond to things in my day to day life. I have made a lot of steps towards a more positive life. I just do not want this lesson to be made by the losing of my wife.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, either you both should go to Marriage counseling, or she is placating you while she gets her plans together for the divorce, not sure which.
Have you sat and actually talked about the fight? talked over the issues, or just straight to "I want a divorce"? Why is she saying that she is done with you?


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

She told me one day she has no try left that was a week ago when she was not even talking with me. That is when she brought up the divorce. She used a bunch things I use to say in the heat of an argument's we would have in the past. I had a very bad temper for a long time nothing physically abusive. I hope she in not placating me till she has divorce papers. A week ago a nature trail was not even an option. Much less a phone call on breaks at work. We have not talked about really any of our issues I am just trying to not push any buttons that would reset the progress I have been making. I am making plans that do not end with us getting back together just not sure with her letting me hug her. And be around her like she dose


----------



## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

You need to do more than tell her that you are making changes, do more to show her you are making changes. Go to a counselor and seek therapy for anger or temper issues. Work to become a better person. You can't force her to love you but you can change yourself if you really want to change, and if that isn't enough for her then at least you changed for yourself and any future relationships you might have. It sounds like your wife is contemplating what she wants to do, but if this lasts long then she may move on altogether. Once she makes that decision it will be too late.


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Ordinarily, guys who treat their wife/girlfriend like you treated yours really don't change. After she leaves their abusive ways, then they make all kinds of promises to change just to get her to come back. Once she comes back, they act like they changed but turn back into their true selves after just a few weeks or so. They don't change for real because they don't want to change. They just make up that false promise to lure her back in so they can mistreat her some more. I don't know why those types of men need someone to abuse instead of being kind and loving.

You say you have changed but if you could change so suddenly and so immediately like that, then she's wondering why did you treat her so badly in the first place. If you can suddenly turn into a good man to her, then the question on her mind is why weren't you a good man to her all the long. You mistreated her just because you could and decided to change after you lost her. But it appears she is fed up, so you should leave her alone. Start going to counseling so a therapist can help you understand why you mistreated her and help you become the type of person who deserves to have a wife because no one deserves to be mistreated. I'm sorry if that stung a little, but it isn't possible for you to really change without help. You cannot do something that you don't know how to do, so get some help in learning how to change.

She's not placating you. She's just trying to make the transition easier for you and for the kids because separation and divorce is hard on everyone. She has spent 10 years with you. She obviously loved you, so this is very hard for her too. It's hard for her to know that the man she loved treated her so badly and he caused the end of all her hopes and dreams for a good marriage and family. But there wouldn't be any mixed signals if you didn't create them, so stop trying to hug her and stop trying to be around her. Accept the result of your own actions. Get some help so you can be a better husband to your next wife.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know if you realise this, but right now she perceives you to be a dangerous partner to her. Her trust in you, level of comfort around you and understanding of who you are has been blown apart and she probably thinks that the marriage to you was a huge mistake. You need to rebuild that even if you two end up getting a divorce. Right now, on reading the little that you have posted would make me nervous around you. It looks like she is open to you improving things but that does not mean that she doesn't want to undo the "mistake" she made in marrying you.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

You need to start working on yourself. It's time to get into anger management. If you have been this way for so long then this is not something that you can just permanently turn off. Sure, it's easy to turn it off for a while but it WILL come up until you develop the skills to manage it. If you want another shot with your wife then you need to show her, with ACTIONS, that you are doing something about your anger. Words don't mean **** in this case because just wanting to change is not enough.

Your wife is probably confused by what she wants, rightfully so. Why should she trust you? You have proven that you are an unsafe partner. She has been living with family, who care about her and are probably trying to get her out of an abusive situation. It does seem like she is warming up to you, and this could very well be your last shot. Use it wisely but understand that you have to WANT to make these changes. You cannot really do it for her, you are doing it for you and your family will reap the benefits. 

Here is a link to some free anger management resources:








Free Anger Management Classes | LoveToKnow Health & Wellness


While anger management courses are not typically very expensive, finding truly free courses can be a challenge. There are a few free courses available ...




stress.lovetoknow.com




Here is a link to some anger management books:








The 19 Best Anger Management Books (to Read in 2023)


Get inspired by the following best books on anger management; arm yourself with tools to conquer your anger and move up into the zone of feeling happy.




upjourney.com





These two resources are NOT substitutes for counseling.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

There are few slightly different versions floating around, but this may mean something to you:


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

bobert said:


> You need to start working on yourself. It's time to get into anger management. If you have been this way for so long then this is not something that you can just permanently turn off. Sure, it's easy to turn it off for a while but it WILL come up until you develop the skills to manage it. If you want another shot with your wife then you need to show her, with ACTIONS, that you are doing something about your anger. Words don't mean **** in this case because just wanting to change is not enough.
> 
> Your wife is probably confused by what she wants, rightfully so. Why should she trust you? You have proven that you are an unsafe partner. She has been living with family, who care about her and are probably trying to get her out of an abusive situation. It does seem like she is warming up to you, and this could very well be your last shot. Use it wisely but understand that you have to WANT to make these changes. You cannot really do it for her, you are doing it for you and your family will reap the benefits.
> 
> ...


I have not promised her anything as far as if you come back this will happen. My time line is a little messed up it has been about a month since this has all started only the last week or so has she allowed certain things. I am just confused on some of the things because she dose not want to give me false hope then at the same time she will give me hugs and a few other things and it is reciprocated she wants a hug from me to. I just do not want to give myself false hope. Thank you for the links on the anger stuff and I am seeking a therapist just with this covid stuff not many people are accepting new patients so I am on a few waiting lists. I have made goal lists that includes us getting back together and ones that do not.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

What are the distractions in your life? And hers? Do you have kids? How did you meet? What was the attraction? What were your plans and dreams early in your marriage?


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> What are the distractions in your life? And hers? Do you have kids? How did you meet? What was the attraction? What were your plans and dreams early in your marriage?


I use to smoke a lot of pot to numb myself since all this I have stopped smoking pot and trying my best to stop smoking cigarettes those were two of my distracting tools. Terrible things I know. She has started drinking a lot her words to me not mine. When she said that to me I started crying because I knew it was because of me. I stopped drinking awhile ago because it always turned bad. We met at a party also terrible I know but when I seen her she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and from there I pursued her. We never really made any goals. Also bad. We have two kids together.


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@bobert gave you some self- help stuff to get you started. The bottom line is there is no yes or no right now. Are you impatient? This should be a work in progress.

You treated her like a whipping target, not a wife. Meanness personified. Perhaps, you were kind in the beginning? You sent her mixed signals for many years and you are frustrated after one month? Not much fun is it? Having no control is yuck! 

It is so demeaning to hear than you 'treat' her according to your feelings at the time, not because you value and care for her. Both pot and alcohol are ways to self-medicate.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

sunsetmist said:


> @bobert gave you some self- help stuff to get you started. The bottom line is there is no yes or no right now. Are you impatient? This should be a work in progress.
> 
> You treated her like a whipping target, not a wife. Meanness personified. Perhaps, you were kind in the beginning? You sent her mixed signals for many years and you are frustrated after one month? Not much fun is it? Having no control is yuck!
> 
> It is so demeaning to hear than you 'treat' her according to your feelings at the time, not because you value and care for her. Both pot and alcohol are ways to self-medicate.


I was never controlling her as far as saying things like you can not do this or that. I am not like that. I was mr mom so to speak. I took care of the kids because child care was always an issue even to this day. And she went to school first got her degree and I can not in present time make anywhere near the amount of money she can make.


----------



## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Sounds your wife has given up, but isn’t sure if she’s doing the right thing by divorcing. Stop telling her you’ve changed...words are empty. Back away, give her space and seriously work on yourself. Change isn’t going to happen overnight. If it does, it’s not real change. Your wife knows this. Time is on your side. Use it.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> Sounds your wife has given up, but isn’t sure if she’s doing the right thing by divorcing. Stop telling her you’ve changed...words are empty. Back away, give her space and seriously work on yourself. Change isn’t going to happen overnight. If it does, it’s not real change. Your wife knows this. Time is on your side. Use it.


I am not telling her I have changed. Even if I did she would not believe me.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dillin said:


> I am not telling her I have changed. Even if I did she would not believe me.


I'm not really clear on who believes any changes in your behavior might be temporary... her, you, or both? I'm not feeling that confidence coming from you that you're capable of getting the job done. 

You mentioned pot smoking, her making more money... did things start out with her being seen as the "responsible" person in the marriage? I understand you were playing Mr. Mom. And the kids... how soon in the marriage? Your thread is also one of the few in which kids don't come up until asked. Just an observation.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Its very hard living with an angry husband. I did it or many years, you have to walk on eggshells all the time as do the children, and on top of that you were a pot smoker and heavy drinker, both no no's for many women including myself. Get yourself to anger management classes, work on yourself regardless of whether the marriage ends or not. 
As for how she is acting who knows. She may still have some love for you, and she may well want the children to see you do things together as a family. Its very hard to cut yourself off from someone completely in one go, but that doesn't mean she wants to come back. Just ask her if she still wants a divorce, we here can only summise. 
She may well be thinking that you are only trying to be better because she left, and she is right.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> I'm not really clear on who believes any changes in your behavior might be temporary... her, you, or both? I'm not feeling that confidence coming from you that you're capable of getting the job done.
> 
> You mentioned pot smoking, her making more money... did things start out with her being seen as the "responsible" person in the marriage? I understand you were playing Mr. Mom. And the kids... how soon in the marriage? Your thread is also one of the few in which kids don't come up until asked. Just an observation.


Well i do not really throw my kids around like a stick to swing. My confidence is low so is a lot of other things with me right now. I have my kids currently with me right now. I just do not want use them as some sort of shield to deflect hence why not said till asked.me and the wife are going on a hike later today hopefully. If not it will be not big deal just say bummer and move on.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dillin said:


> Well i do not really throw my kids around like a stick to swing. My confidence is low so is a lot of other things with me right now. I have my kids currently with me right now. I just do not want use them as some sort of shield to deflect hence why not said till asked.me and the wife are going on a hike later today hopefully. If not it will be not big deal just say bummer and move on.


My point wasn't about "weaponizing" the kids. More about how the kids affected your relationship. Were they planned, did they throw a wrench into anything, that sort of thing.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> My point wasn't about "weaponizing" the kids. More about how the kids affected your relationship. Were they planned, did they throw a wrench into anything, that sort of thing.


Yeah it throw a wrench in to things there is lot more to this then I am able to type in to my phone. I just need some insight in to some things an iv gotten a lot of great push back weather I wanted to hear it or not. Like i said i have goals and plans that involve us coming back to gather and not coming back together. I am leaning towards the ladder and I guess just having a hard time accepting it. Since this all happened I started saving money one goal is save 1000 dollars about a third of rhe way there. Spend more time with my boys been doing that. Everyday after work I go get them so my wife can work at home in peace and quiet.till she gets off. Deal with court stuff that I got arrested for almost done with that the dismissal paper work should come this Thursday then start the process with the army. Like isaid I want to come back with her but making plans to move on. Through out this entire situation my cousin was feeding her information I had confided in him about. Instead of telling him I would just beat him up i called him out about it said Idid not appreciate that and went and asked our grandfather to talk with him so I do not do something I will later regret. Not sure if he has not nor do I really care. Knowing my grandpa he has. So that relationship with my cousin is non existent now. He was my best friend. These are all situations I would have lost my cool and held a grudge over. The way I handled it made me feel better then any time I have lost my cool before this. Iv called a lot of people I held grudges against asked for forgiveness for things i did or did do. Before all this Ibelieved forgiveness was a weakness a folding of your cards so to speak.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dillin said:


> Since this all happened I started saving money one goal is save 1000 dollars about a third of the way there.


If you end up getting divorced, $1000 isn't going to pay a retainer for the sleaziest divorce attorney in town, but you need someone better than that. You're going to be going after her assets, and it's going to be really ugly. You gave up a career for her etc. Has she considered the financial cost of a divorce?

I'm not suggesting finances should motivate her to want to become re-engaged in the marriage, but if she's been taking a trip away from reality, she could be facing a heavy dose of it very soon.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

I


Casual Observer said:


> If you end up getting divorced, $1000 isn't going to pay a retainer for the sleaziest divorce attorney in town, but you need someone better than that. You're going to be going after her assets, and it's going to be really ugly. You gave up a career for her etc. Has she considered the financial cost of a divorce?
> 
> I'm not suggesting finances should motivate her to want to become re-engaged in the marriage, but if she's been taking a trip away from reality, she could be facing a heavy dose of it very soon.


I am just saving up for myself. To have my own money and as far as divorce goes I am just gonna sign the papers if she presents them. I hope she does not. But I will not drag this out. If she puts me through the ringer so to speak. Then well maybe I deserve it and as our boys grow they will ask questions and I will answer then truthfully. I just do not want to leave anything unsaid or done to make my sanity easier to deal with. Like I said if they army is an option it will give me a paycheck and a lot to do for a few years.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dillin said:


> I
> 
> I am just saving up for myself. To have my own money and as far as divorce goes I am just gonna sign the papers if she presents them. I hope she does not. But I will not drag this out. If she puts me through the ringer so to speak. Then well maybe I deserve it and as our boys grow they will ask questions and I will answer then truthfully. I just do not want to leave anything unsaid or done to make my sanity easier to deal with. Like I said if they army is an option it will give me a paycheck and a lot to do for a few years.


You need to change your way of thinking if you want to survive. Yes, you make it sound like you've screwed up in the past, but you've really got just one shot at this divorce thing, and if you were staying home, taking care of the kids, while she advanced her career, then you're likely entitled to a fair amount of her earnings down the road. 

I am concerned that the way you view things, you might be suffering from depression yourself. Depression that could cause you to make some seriously bad choices that will affect you for years to come.


----------



## Dillin (Aug 29, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> You need to change your way of thinking if you want to survive. Yes, you make it sound like you've screwed up in the past, but you've really got just one shot at this divorce thing, and if you were staying home, taking care of the kids, while she advanced her career, then you're likely entitled to a fair amount of her earnings down the road.
> 
> I am concerned that the way you view things, you might be suffering from depression yourself. Depression that could cause you to make some seriously bad choices that will affect you for years to come.


My dad said the same thing. About being entitled to her earnings. I do not want any of that. I just want to begin a new relationship with my wife and move on but like I said I have made goals and plans and am following through with them. One set includes her and the other dose not and they intercept when I leave for basic. If that is still an option. It should be. You are right about the depression I am definitely feeling the sting of the situation. I am hoping it will pass maybe the pain will fade with time.


----------



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Dillin said:


> My dad said the same thing. About being entitled to her earnings. I do not want any of that. I just want to begin a new relationship with my wife and move on but like I said I have made goals and plans and am following through with them. One set includes her and the other dose not and they intercept when I leave for basic. If that is still an option. It should be. You are right about the depression I am definitely feeling the sting of the situation. I am hoping it will pass maybe the pain will fade with time.


If you want what's best for your kids, you have to change your thinking and get out of this strange mode you're in where you believe you have to make a clean break that's physical and financial if you split up. It sounds like you're "splitting up" option is 100% conflict avoidant. It will NOT work out that way. I repeat. I will NOT work out that way. At least not with you coming out intact. 

Do you want to be able to take care of your kids, get your fair share? Well guess what's going to happen if you end up financially destitute? She'll get to dictate everything. You won't have the money to pay for adequate legal representation and you could end up with no money and no kids.

If you want to just climb into a hole and be depressed, you aren't a good father for your kids anyway.

You deserve no less consideration for your efforts to raise your kids than a stay-at-home mom gets. You need to be proud of what you've done, just as people would tell a woman who gave up everything so her guy could advance his career while she stayed home with the kids... and he dumps her for someone else. Despite how good or bad a "wife" she was, she'd still get credibility and standing as a mother. Your failures as a "husband" do not discredit what you've sacrificed as a father.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Dillin said:


> I was never controlling her as far as saying things like you can not do this or that. I am not like that. I was mr mom so to speak. I took care of the kids because child care was always an issue even to this day. And she went to school first got her degree and I can not in present time make anywhere near the amount of money she can make.


Hmm?

Up and until she got her degree she needed you and tolerated you.
Now, it seems, she doesn't. Your wife, financially, does not need you.

Maybe, she is letting you down, gently.

Maybe, she is assuring herself that she needs to divorce. Your acting nice is adding doubt where there was once surety.

Maybe, she is doing this hugging and nice behavior, more for the kids, and less for you. She does not want the kids to hate their dad.

Only she can answer where, on what path she is on.

She may not know.

I suspect her rational mind will win over her guilty one and she will eventually divorce you.


----------

