# Tale as old as time...



## Wontonga (Aug 22, 2016)

Ok. My hubby and I met in 2008. We were on again off again due to his drug problems for 3 years. He ended up getting sick while we were broken up (pre cancerous lymphs) and I ran to be by his side. We worked him through his illness and drug recovery at the same time. He was a different person after that. He went to college, got a degree, a GREAT job. We were on top of the world. He asked me to marry him in 2012 and the ceremony was in 2013 (exactly a year later). After a year of marriage he has started dabbling (like once a month when we venture out to the bar we used to frequent) with drugs again when he went on a 5 month job to NY. I also caught him cheating via online records when he started going incommunicado on me. I forgave him because he had been gone for 3 months at the time and it was definitely hard to deal with on both ends. I just wanted him home and he just needed to work. I was annoying and intrusive. I was calling at all times of the day and night going insane. It was draining since he was working 14 hour days and I put extra stress on him. I constantly nagged and cried for him to come home and therefore I understand that I was playing a part in pushing him away. I mean who wants to call and speak to someone who is just falling apart on the other end and has nothing to do but ***** and ***** about something they have no control over (he was only supposed to be gone for 3 weeks and the boat's stay just got extended and extended and extended)? It hurt me sooooooo much but I understood how he could've gotten drunk and ended up with a random-- especially seeing he worked with 5 single men who were party animals on their off time (gotta love yachties). I tried to be understanding and put myself in his shoes. Although completely inexcusable-- I forgave him and we worked it out upon his return 2 months after he got caught. We did counseling and we decided to put it behind us. 2014 was a tough year all around. Now in 2016-- we are past all the trust issues and have agreed that him and traveling are just not conducive to our marriage since he falls to peer pressure so easily. It took a lot of fighting and crying and bargaining to get where we are and honestly-- I can't help but STILL feel unfulfilled.

The issue I have now is that I feel like he just has me around because it is convenient. He just goes to work and comes home... that's it. Food is cooked, house is clean, dogs are fed. He doesn't have to worry about paying the bills or anything. I'm the secretary, admin assistant, maid, chef, and caretaker for our household. I can't ask him for anything because-- well, don't hold your breath waiting. He's in charge of doing the dishes, taking out the trash, and mowing the lawn-- except I cook around the dishes (I refuse to do them when I don't ask for much and we have a dishwasher for crying out loud), take out the over flowing trash (since it just sits there), and the lawn is about a foot tall. Did I mention I work about 47 hours a week as an office manager to a multi million dollar convention company and drive an hr each way to work? He works part time as a captain doing 1 hr river tours of mansions 15 minutes from our house. 

Not only that but we have a MAJOR lack of intimacy. I’ve lost weight. We’ve taken vacations to exotic places to try to rekindle that spark—he just doesn’t show interest in me. I keep trying to bring it to his attention but he just doesn't seem to get it. It makes me feel COMPLETELY useless. I do everything and get nothing. I don't know how else to tell him I need more from him. I've written letters. I've begged. I've cried. I've had full adult non-emotionally charged conversations explaining it all to him and he still doesn't get it. Or maybe he does and doesn't want to change it. He works night times and I work day time. He has tues and wed off-- I have sat and sun off. So our schedules don’t help us at all. He is very affectionate. He does spend time with me and we do talk. It's just physically-- there is nothing. I'd have to say one of the most ANNOYING things he does is slap my ass and come on to me and kiss me and get me all worked up to just walk away or become immersed in his phone or the TV siting that he is tired. He's so confusing. Acts like he wants it and then-- left turn Clyde.

I just don't know where I stand anymore. I love him to death but I really don't know how much begging for change one person should have to do in their life. I also don't think I should be begging him to change. Maybe he needs someone a little less selfish than me?

I know a lot of people are going to label him a villain, but he's not. He had made some bad decisions along the way but we were YOUNG. He's just difficult. The question-- and I'm sure none of you can help me with this-- is whether or not I want to do this "asking for more" for the rest of my life. I'm only 30. No kids... sky's the limit right?

I want to leave but I love him so much. I often think about how broken other people's relationships are and how good mine is even with our flaws. Yeah we only have sex once every two weeks (it's super forced-- he usually finishes first and I'm left unsatisfied) and we bicker... but we are good otherwise.... 

Am I being too picky?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*No! He either agrees to MC immediately or you have every right to initiate divorce proceedings!

No spouse deserves to be treated the way you are! Loving marriages are not supposed to be like that!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You say you love him. What is it about him that is even remotely lovable? Can't you just leave him and get a dog?


----------



## Wontonga (Aug 22, 2016)

Well of course you won't hear all the nice stuff he does. 

He provides. He definitely shows affection. He doesn't call me names and isn't physically, sexually, or mentally abusive. 

We always go out on date nights. He'll open doors and pull out chairs and loves holding my hand. We talk about work and all the stupid crap in the world and our daily lives. We generally have a great time together... I just don't know if he's still in to me physically. We just haven't clicked on that level since shortly before we got married and I just assumed it was an issue that would go away (his mom was dying of cancer when we had our wedding so I understood the shying away from sex). Every time I get shot down a piece of my self esteem is chipped away. Every time he loses his boner during sex I cry. Every time I try to send him a kinky text and get a "can't wait to see you either" to be greeted by "I'm tired it was a long day" it hurts. 

I just don't know. Maybe I put too much emphasis on sex? I've got issues and I know that... but I don't feel that this ever gets way better-- only a little better for a short amount of time then it's right back to his laziness and lack of effort at home.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wontonga, I'm sure you'll get some good advice here.
My first piece of advice would be to not even try to fix this in any way, shape, or form until you know he is completely off the drugs (if that is important enough to you). 

You have to be sure that the core of the relationship (the two of you as individuals) is strong and stable before you can hope to improve the situation for you both. Also, you have to be aware of the signs. If you're giving 80% and he's giving 20%, it's time to take a long, hard look at what you're getting out of this relationship.


----------



## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I can't understand why you are still with him. Do you treat him like your kid? Who decides who's "responsible" for things in the house, you or him, or have you worked it out together like mature adults? He sounds like he never grew up and sees you like his mother rather than his wife - and we all know most normal men don't find their mums sexually attractive. Plus he's still a drug addict and he cheated on you. There are very few happy endings to a situation like this in real life. People generally don't change that much.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Wontonga said:


> Well of course you won't hear all the nice stuff he does.
> 
> He provides. He definitely shows affection. He doesn't call me names and isn't physically, sexually, or mentally abusive.
> 
> ...


He is doing drugs and cheating? 

You say he provides and doesn't abuse you? You deserve better than that. 

You say he provides? You have a good job and could do fine on your own.

You say he is a gentleman on a date? Par for the course, this should be expected.


----------



## lorikeet25 (Jun 22, 2016)

The things you tout as good are really just bare minimum expectations. He doesn't get brownie points for not calling you names or abusing you. 
I am also unclear as to why you stay.


----------



## Wontonga (Aug 22, 2016)

I know it's normal to be doted on and to be a gentlemen to your spouse. I also know I'm surrounded by MANY MANY women who DON'T have that. Women who are in WAY worse relationships full of volatile behavior, constant infidelity and abuse. 

Not that it makes my feelings any less meaningful or what I'm going through any more "OK". I'm just thankful that in the overall picture we are happy. *I just need him to help out more around the house and to be with me physically more often than we are. Any suggestions on this?*

I consider myself lucky that he is a sweet guy and does care in his own way (not everyone is the same). His cheating was a one time thing in our LONG absence of each other. That was 2 years ago and we've worked way past that with plenty of help from therapy. 

It's just his physical effort that drives me nuts right now. To be honest I have a fixation with sex (as most sexually abused children do grow up to have). I need it all of the time. I know that can be draining for someone to feel like they never satisfy their partner-- truth is he does-- I just like it so much I need it all the time. I know that it can definitely be a turn off. I've had this issue in the past with other boyfriends. Most couples are totally ok with sex every one or two weeks. I see it as being distant and non-loving. Like a major lack of intimacy, but what do I expect? To have sex daily till the day I die at 92?

Like I said.. I have issues... and all that we've been through has been over 8 years. It's not like he's ALWAYS messing up or like he hasn't tried to change anything. For example... his drug use: We used to waste his whole paycheck on cocaine and drinking EVERY weekend. (I know... what was I thinking?--- it was fun at 22 and working as a bartender!) Time went by and we got him and myself away from that lifestyle. Now he does it probably once a month when we go out. Sometimes he's open about it... sometimes he sneaks. But it honestly doesn't bother me that he still does a recreational $20 baggie of coke once a month. This maybe taboo for you all... but it is our norm-- and it's worked for us.

We're really just at a low point. I just had a conversation with him at lunch and suggested he get tested for Low T. For someone who is so young (34 year old 6'1" 155 lbs stack of muscle) he really has no energy, is rapidly losing his hair, and his muscle tone is slowly diminishing. I'm hoping that, if his hormones are out of whack, it could explain his lack of energy and interest. 

I'm not by any means arguing in his favor. I just know that I love him and I know he does love me-- we just need to work on his effort and want to actively participate. 

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away... then I sit and think about what I'm *****ing about and I feel like telling myself to STFU.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> I just need him to help out more around the house and to be with me physically more often than we are. Any suggestions on this?



His Needs, Her Needs is a book you might want to read with him.

Love Busters is another.

And, just sit down and talk with him, to start with.

I know he should be motivated on his own to work around the home. He should do it for himself. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. Yeah, I know.

Is it possible to make a list of things to do in this case where he doesn't have a clue, until he gets one? 

Like others said, there are problems above and beyond this. Now, that's looking for perfection, to an extent. Though, when you try for much more and get some, it will be like a miracle. 

You do deserve more. Lack of sex is a huge trigger for some here. If you haven't read some threads in Sex In Marriage, please do a search and read. It may open your eyes to what is up. 

This is a start. Good communication is important. Sometimes, it's very important to get into counseling. Check your insurance. You may want to start some MC(marriage counseling) in the future. 

I hope you get more posts. You have to choose which you take to heart and which you don't, just as you did. Don't feel sorry for keeping the thread going the direction you want. Know that sometimes it's better to let others go on a little and pick through what you want to respond to.

Each of us has something to give. Some of it will not resonate well. Some will. You can use "ignore" in your user control panel settings to not see someone's post, unless it is quoted. You can report a post for breaking rules which are located at the beginning of the forum section. 

Otherwise, it's a matter of getting a thick skin and some perspective. 

I hope you work things out. 

For me, cheating is a deal breaker and I will not stay married to a wife who cheats. Everyone has them. They are our personal Boundaries, which is another book you could read.

When there is no sex and cheating, it's going to be tough to get many positive responses toward marriage repair. I hope you do, but those issues make it nearly impossible to make your marriage better, unless each thing is worked on by a willing and enthusiastic couple. 

I know it's a long post. Sorry about that. Just wanted to help you.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Wontonga said:


> Am I being too picky?


Do you want kids?

If so leave now - his lifestyle is totally incompatible with children, and it will just make yours worse.

Otherwise:
What do you like:
What does he like:

sounds like you are more in love with the idea of him and the security of having a broken project to focus on. But it's killing you.

Often we (guys) see that with the playboy types. They only get away with their lifestyle because there is someone in the background playing Mum so they never have to worry about the boring everyday stuff, and that way the playboy gets to continue being a teenager and be larger than life.
But that is because of "pseudo-Mum" being his enabler.

Annoyingly enough such playboys often are seen as social successes because they have all the toys, the nice-ish home, and lots of time to devote to hobbies (eg music) and socialising, and they blow their cash on fun things not the family.

I seriously doubt that guy can change, certainly not before he has, as covered in the book Iron John, time in the ashes [of his life falling apart so badly there is nothing left for him]


----------



## Wontonga (Aug 22, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> For me, cheating is a deal breaker and I will not stay married to a wife who cheats.
> 
> When there is no sex and cheating, it's going to be tough to get many positive responses toward marriage repair.


I thought so too until it happened to me. I realized that I was part of the problem. I had a bit of anger management and counseling to do. It definitely pushed him away. I definitely knew I didn't want to throw away the relationship. We were both being pretty nasty that whole summer he was gone. Was he right? Absolutely not-- but I made us go to counseling and we did a great job bouncing back from it. 

Cheating is not an issue with us anymore.... it was 2 years ago and it was a mistake he made. I know people say "once a cheater always..." but I've cheated plenty in previous relationships and have changed myself-- so why can't he? 

Thank you for the information on ignoring people. I do feel like some people just judge negatively instead of maybe reading the whole thing and realizing that some things that work for some might not work for others.


----------



## Wontonga (Aug 22, 2016)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Do you want kids?


Yes.... but we can't have them and I don't want IVF. I have PCOS and he has a lower count. Plus, I'm not _too_ into having kids anyway. I have plenty of nieces and nephews and couldn't imagine adding a baby to our schedules or budget. It's definitely not time for that in my book. I enjoy bar hopping and camping and fishing and hiking and doing all the stuff you can't do with babies. Afterall-- I'm only 30. 

In addition-- he is not a playboy. He was a playboy for 5 months of 2014 and it almost ruined us. That is why he doesn't travel as a yacht captain anymore. He gave it up to prove that the money, prestige, and partying wasn't worth losing me-- even though a traveling captain is his dream job. The minute the boat landed in Miami. He grabbed his stuff and walked. Now he does local jobs and comes home every night. We are way better for it. =)

The cheating is not the issue (one time 2 years ago). The issue is his level of effort with house work and sex. How do I fix that? lol

lol ;p


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Wontonga said:


> The cheating is not the issue (one time 2 years ago). The issue is his level of effort with house work and sex. How do I fix that? lol
> 
> lol ;p


You tell him exactly what you want. No beating around the bush or covert policies. He either agrees to and steps up, or doesn't. Then you either walk or live with him as he is.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You've given him every chance to turn things around and he hasn't. I think you should definitely consider leaving him right away. He doesn't deserve another chance with you.


----------



## flyhigher (Jun 23, 2016)

Hi there,

Obviously, you are not too concerned with the cheating or the drugs. So I will focus my post on the housework and sex.

First of all... when it comes to men, I've learned to just assume all men are stupid when it comes to housework. They either don't see the mess, don't care about the mess, or don't know how to deal with it.
It's super frustrating, and something I've dealt with in my own marriage.

I've learned to stop being so damn nice about it. When I don't ask for his help, I won't get it. I've learned that. SO; I've started leaving notes. A lot of people will say that that annoying or stupid.. but if it works; it works.

I leave notes like this, "Hun, please sweep the floors, take out the garbage, and put the folded laundry away today." and usually it'll be done by the time I get home.
I work days, he works evenings, and I don't get the be "done" my day until late in the evening with kids and dinner and cleaning... so why should he be allowed to sit on his butt all day while he's not at work.

I had to find my voice, and learn (still learning) to USE it. Because the truth it, you are NOT his mother; you're his wife. He needs to pull his weight; and he needs to be aware of that.

The whole sex thing...
You need to discuss this with him in a calm and "adult" kind of way. If you need sex more often, you need to communicate that. Things like, "When you turn me down, I feel unwanted and unloved" .. boys don't pick up on subtle hints.. don't forget that. Use your words, and discuss how things make you feel.

Offer to spice things up, if that's what he's hoping for.. or ask him what he's thinking and expecting out of your relationship, sex wise. Find out what HIS normal is. Sometimes you may have to compromise; it's possible that you won't be able to have sex EVERYDAY; but maybe even few days, is definitely realistic.

Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck!


----------

