# Success of marriage counseling



## waynenewton (Jan 13, 2012)

I am just curious if anybody on here has, or knows anybody who has, gone through marriage counseling. Can you please give me both the pros and cons as well as what to expect? My wife and I are beginning counseling next week (business travel this week) in an effort to save our marriage. My emotions are all over the place right now. Sad because of what we’re going through, excited to start this journey together, but also nervous about what the possible outcome could be. We have some friend who did marriage counseling and actually quit because they said it wasn’t helping their marriage, only making it worse. Years later they are still married, very happily, with a wonderful three year old son.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My ex and I went to a few marriage counselors. They did help me see a lot of things that I was not. The different perspective was helpful. I'm not sure how much it helped by husband. It never helped our marriage. He still was abusive and cheated all the time.

I've heard mix things about marriage counseling. Some of them seem to work more towards helping the couple move towards divorce. It's hard to help save a marriage. It's a lot easier to get them to accept the end of the marriage and the results can be measured... they is a divorce.

There are a lot of self help books that can do as much good as counseling, especially if the two of you read them together, discuss them and work through the suggested things to do.

I’ve linked to some of them below under building a passionate marriage. Anther good one is “Divorce Busting”. 

I’m not saying to not go to MC. What I’m saying is to keep an eye on the counselor and make sure it moves in the direction you want it to move in.


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I think the key is, if you BOTH desire to save the marriage, and BOTH are honest about their own faults, but need a facilitator to help you communicate about the issues, then, IMO, MC can help.

But, if either party is trying to drag the other one back into the relationship, and the other isn't committed to the process, or if either are in denial about their part in the failures of the relationship, the chances of MC helping are minimal.


----------



## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

i feel very much like i am at this cross roads now. i just separated from my wife on Tuesday night the hardest thing that i have ever done. i am half hearted wanting to go see a MC but my bigger issue is that i really don't know if i want to work it out or if this is what i want. Is that something that they can work thought with us. I am seeing an IC now too trying to figure this all out. I would love to hear what others have said and done on this topic.


----------



## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I'm some stranger on the internet who you have never met and probably never will, so my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. Having said that.....

When someone says they don't know if they want to work out their marriage, IMHO, they're lying....either to their spouse or to themselves. You made a commitment to marry this person (for better or worse, yada yada). The statement of ambivalence is already a denial of that commitment. IMO, you already have given up on your commitment, by being unsure of your commitment. 

Given that, I doubt if your MC will be productive. Probably, it will be you, paying a stranger for several sessions before admitting to your wife (or yourself) that you have already left the marriage.

Again, not trying to be cruel, just candid.


----------



## thomasmoore (Feb 27, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> I'm some stranger on the internet who you have never met and probably never will, so my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. Having said that.....
> 
> When someone says they don't know if they want to work out their marriage, IMHO, they're lying....either to their spouse or to themselves. You made a commitment to marry this person (for better or worse, yada yada). The statement of ambivalence is already a denial of that commitment. IMO, you already have given up on your commitment, by being unsure of your commitment.
> 
> ...


point taken for what it was worth. I respect and believe that everyone is allowed there own opinion in the world today. so i am not up set with you or anything. maybe i am in denial of this institute of marriage or that i should have gotten married in the first place. i really don't know i guess that can be taken as i have given up. i don't want to believe that though. but sounds like its the reality!


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

papa5280 said:


> I'm some stranger on the internet who you have never met and probably never will, so my opinion is worth exactly what you paid for it. Having said that.....
> 
> *When someone says they don't know if they want to work out their marriage, IMHO, they're lying....either to their spouse or to themselves. You made a commitment to marry this person (for better or worse, yada yada). The statement of ambivalence is already a denial of that commitment. IMO, you already have given up on your commitment, by being unsure of your commitment. *Given that, I doubt if your MC will be productive. Probably, it will be you, paying a stranger for several sessions before admitting to your wife (or yourself) that you have already left the marriage.
> 
> Again, not trying to be cruel, just candid.



This rang true earlier this week. My W initially agreed to 30 days and 2 counseling sessions. Less than a week later, she agreed to 90 days and MC session by session.

However, after the 2 MC sessions, on the 3rd, she kept up the resistance, fighting with the C, and told me that she held no hope for our M or R and to just see it through.

Until this time, I always had my doubts about whether she was truly open to MC or just going through the motions. Well, it was the latter. She told me she wanted to attend MC to help me struggle through this and to support my emotions. Not, for us.

My take is, she is still not there. I don't know if she'll ever be, but, I'm going to continue MY journey.


----------

