# Am I crazy? What should I do?



## thenewwife425 (Sep 24, 2009)

I have been married for about 6 wonderful months and have been with and in love with my husband for 6 years thur college and after. About 3 months before we said I do, I found out that my husband was having "text sex" and "I missed what we could have been" convos with a girl from his past (she lives in Cail we live on the east coast). Now, not only is this girl someone he lied about having sex with during one of our breakups back in school, but this was also a girl we were thinking of having our 1st threesome with (needless to say that never happen. In fact the whole threesome idea is a wrap too). Once I found these text I asked him about it and if he wanted to get married and if he had feelings for this girl. He said not at all and that he didn't mean anything he was texting to her, he was just was bored and it was something exciting to do since we had so much stress going on in our lives at the moment.
I believed him we got married in April and he has stopped communicating with her. . . or has he? Now I'm sooo paranoid about all his activities. I constantly look for signs that he may be acting up again and find nothing. He is great to me, very loving and tells me all the time how much he loves me and what our marriage means to him. But I can't get over the fact that he may be hiding something like before since that textin and converastion went on for two months, therefore I sneak around looking thru his phone and trying to break into his email and facebook acct. What should I do to kill my trust issues? Can I move on from this? Lord know I want too because I hate being this woman. I don't want to leave I just want to trust him.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

If you keep dwelling on what MIGHT be; you are going to think yourself into anxiety - if you haven't done so already. Start thinking of how things are now and forget the past. Unless I am missing something in your post; you are wasting precious time worrying about something that is probably nothing. Until you have proof or see something indicating that he is still with the texting - get over it. Move on and work on feeding your marriage everyday to keep it strong. You will be the happier for it.


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## silvernblack (Jul 21, 2009)

Stop looking for things before you find something...then what will you do? That's the real question. What if you do find out something...are you just going to get upset and stay? Or will you leave?

And I assume you've talked to him about this before, but you need to talk again because it's an ongoing issue. He broke your trust before by contacting the girl behind your back, and it will take a while to earn your trust back.

Been there before...still am there. Less than a week after getting married (in July), I found out my husband had a membership on a sex dating site, sending explicit messages...including to someone he'd slept with before. So I know how you feel.


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## optimistvik (Aug 4, 2009)

be clear in your thoughts, if you plan to stick on to him, then stop looking for things like you mentioned, because it will completely destroy your life. but it will take time for you to build the trust on him again be patient.


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## thenewwife425 (Sep 24, 2009)

Thank you for your feed back! eveyone! I know I'm looking for the worse and I'm thinking of bring up what I've been going though to him. I know he's going to be hurt and mad that my trust of him is not 100% there. But I want to move on from this feeling cause it's driving me nuts ! Thanks again everyone.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Do you think she was a choice for a 3some for a reason? Why women fall into that lie I'll never know... 

Anyway, tell him you are concerned and ask him to open up his emails, etc. to you. You can also check the phone bill to see if he's contacting her via text or cell.


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## thenewwife425 (Sep 24, 2009)

Once I found out that he lied about them having sex in the past I did question why her! He had no real answer. But I am scared to talk about this with him. He is so serious about his privacy and I don't want him to start dis-trusting because of my questions.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's serious about his privacy? Why?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Wait, YOU distrust HIM because of suggestive texts you have found to a girl he has had sex with in the past, and YOU are afraid that he will not trust YOU if you question him about the situation? Honestly, are you more afraid that he will lose trust in you for your reservations, or are you more afraid that he will tell you something you are not prepared to hear? 
Honestly, the fact that he was texting her because he was under stress and looking for an outlet is something I would be concerned about. Turning to another woman to get validation, an ego boost, or sympathy in times of stress is NOT a good coping mechanism, and quite often is how affairs start. You guys REALLY need to sit down and have an honset talk about this whole thing, even if you hear some things you may not want to.


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## thenewwife425 (Sep 24, 2009)

Dobo: When I say he is serious about his privacy i mean that he has always hated girl who look through phones and check up on him. So much so that when I did confront him on this issue a part of the talk was about why I looked though his phone in the first place! He did forgive me because he said that "if he didn't do something decitful I wouldn't have looked in the first place". Mooybean: I am scare that he will lose trust in me! Crazy I know but I don't want him to feel like he can't leave his phone around in fear I will always be checking up on him. We haven't had that kind of relationship before and it hurts me that we might now. I want more than anything to have the same trust in him and to be able to beleive that this is over as he says.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You looked through his phone because you suspected something. Anyway, you're married now. He gave up that kind of privacy when he got married. You don't get to keep secrets from your spouse or to cover it up by saying you have a right to privacy.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

A good point made by Mommybean is that he is looking for an ego boost or validation. That is what my H was searching for because I wasn't giving it to him. Men love to have their ego's stroked. Make him feel every bit of a man that another woman would do. Men need to feel that they are doing the right thing by their wife. So praise, praise, praise. Remember how it was when you first met and how you probably hung on to his every word and made him feel so important? That is exactly what some other woman would do right now if given the chance. Squash that chance now while you can. If only I would have done these things before it was too late!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Dobo is 100 percent right. 100 percent. 

I am a man - in a 20 year marriage - to a woman who is not jealous - not possessive - etc. Still - there is NOTHING in my emails - on my cell phone - or anywhere in my life that she is not entitled to see. Sorry but if you HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE THEN YOU DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS STUFF. 

With that said, my wife would never insist on reading emails I sent to lifelong male friends. She would just see that as jerky. Partly because she knows I am purely hetero and so there is not issue of WHAT I am doing with those guys. But if she did - I would say - ok - and I would just wait for her to come back and apologize. End of story. Not a big deal really. 

But if I had a close female friend - I would keep the emails open book and if she had a close male friend she would have to do the same. 

You are on a really bad track here and he is really not taking responsibility for his prior actions. 







dobo said:


> You looked through his phone because you suspected something. Anyway, you're married now. He gave up that kind of privacy when he got married. You don't get to keep secrets from your spouse or to cover it up by saying you have a right to privacy.


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## alytamave (Oct 2, 2009)

Mem, you are so absolutely right...why need the privacy if there is nothing to hide?
My H joined Facebook not too long ago, and he's used the same password for 8 years. Well his FB password is not the same, nor remotely close. I know what it feels like when H is hiding something, and it's awful!


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## outinthecold (Apr 30, 2009)

Such a complicated question, 

your damned if you do, 

your screwed if it's true,

what a life he leads

privacy in hand

or is he cheating your love holding his big gland

damned if you find out

but your dripping with doubt

a question that can't be answered

but eats you up like cancer

Here's a big hug

get up and go ask him

I hope he doesn't just shrug

cause that's your long awaited answer


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