# How do I deal with this? (sorry, long, i tried to make it short but didn't happen)



## coltsatc (Jan 11, 2012)

I haven't been the greatest h. I had a PA 4 years ago when we were separated (not making excuses) and had EA last year but cut it off after getting caught. She left and moved back closer to her family in July with the kids to Kansas. I live in Indy and I'm awaiting a job transfer to Kansas.

I've turned my life around and have done everything possible to prove to her I want nothing more than to be a family and that I am so sorry for everything that happened in the past. I'm completely transparent, i never delete a text, tell her everywhere I go, etc. Unfortunately, we've had a long distance marriage because she refuses to move back (which i'm fine with). She's been saying that she loves me and can't wait for me to move there so we can start our life over. Everything was fine until last weekend when I went there to take the kids back because we rotate taking care of the kids. 

We were out together with her dad and sister having a fun night celebrating her dads birthday and she kept going out to smoke way more often than usual. I got a bad feeling and took her phone. She fought me doing this which has never happened and I discovered her messages to this guy who used to be her boss (they are close to the same age) and they said that our marriage wasn't going good and that she hopes I don't notice she doesn't want to have sex with me cuz she is thinking of him. I was crushed. The next day she acted like she didn't regret it at all and didn't care but since sunday she has said that she loves me but has had a wall up against me cuz of my past errors. The OM is married and she has told me to leave him alone. I looked at her message history and there are several nights in the last week where she sent him a message once or twice late at night...including one night i stayed at her parents house to play games after she went home to sleep. She is claiming she can't remember any of those messages and the only thing she ever says is "I love you" and we can work through this. She stayed with me through my mistakes and now i'm expected to just act like this weekend never happened. I trusted her more than I have ever trusted anyone. 


I guess my questions are 1-should I tell the OM's wife risking really pissing off my wife and 2- My transfer won't go through for another 5-6 months at the minimum. Can i overcome this sudden massive distrust? She hasn't spoken to him since she the day after she got busted that I know. She admitted to me she was sexually attracted to him and that just killed my self esteem.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Tell the OM's wife. You wife will come around eventually if she cares about you enough. This also kills the affair since you won't be with her. Easy for her to get a second phone since she knows that you check the records.


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## Thruhellandback (Jan 8, 2012)

My husband would be the first to say he would have liked someone to have told me about the affair. A lot of people would say yes, tell the OM's wife. I'm on the fence on this one. Maybe the OM will end it with your wife and try to mend his own marriage and his wife will be none the wiser and won't go through with the pain of discovery. I think you should to put your mind at ease that it'll kill the affair. On the other hand, if that's your only goal then that isn't a guarantee that she won't find somewhere else to escape to. Take it from a woman. When we have affairs it's a lot about escaping....at least for me it was. But many people would not want to be the last to know. So maybe she would be grateful for a heads up....For sure she has at least a suspicion that something's up and probably doesn't have the proof to confront him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell the OMW. Your wife is on the fast path to her own PA if she hasn't gone there already.

She's already denying you sex, and reassuring the other guy she's think about him and avoiding you.

It's very possible this s already PA.

So you need to exposes ASAP. Want to guess why she hasn't wanted to come home for the time until your transfer happens? It's because that would crimp her ability to hide the affair and continue it.

It doesn't matter that you had a PA, you don't owe her a free pass for you to be stupid and leather carry on her own PA.

Exposé today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, if your afraid of pushing her away you need to realize she's already gone from you. She is openly telling another man that she is denying you for him.

That's a wife who s gone to the OM already. I strongly think this is already a PA.
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Colt-- now you know what she felt like the times you cheated on her.

Sigh............... you must both sit down and figure out what you want. Get into marriage counselling. Stop cheating on eachother. Be open and honest and decide whether you want to be married or not.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Your wife is in a EA, possible PA: Act, as a reformed cheater you know the slippery slope.....get her to agree to NC, she should not be talking about your sex life with others - it is disrespectful. If she violates NC you will inform OMW of her husband EA with wife. Don't hesitate to act because you cheated in the past, your moral foundation is good enough to fight fir your marriage. Contact the OM, tell him you know of the EA, tell if violated you will inform his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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