# is it ok to be close friends with an older woman?



## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

hello all. i stumbled upon this site and have enjoyed the mature dialogue, so here goes. i have been struggling with an issue for the last 6 months or so and would really like some objective input. 
i have been married to a man from another culture for the last 10 years. we are both in our early 40's. well my husband met this older lady (60 something) at church from his culture and really hit it off with her apparently because i noticed that he has been calling her every day practically since they met. she is married and has a lot of problems and he tells me that he sees her like a mother figure (his mom is back in the old country). 
anyway, they both speak the same language and i have heard her call him son when she thought he was on the phone. i have been to this woman's house on several occasions and she has invited me to come over anytime, but i really don't hit it off with her that well. she's very nice, but i just don't see why he needs to call her so much (sometimes several times a day, talking for a few minutes at a time to upwards of 30 minutes or so). 
he also stops over to see her. 
the problem....he really only calls her when i am not around. 
he calls her on car rides, or first thing in the morning when he leaves the house when he is alone in the car. 
it has come to the point where i am jealous of someone old enough to be my mother. 
when questioning him about the relationship, he insists that he sees her like a mother and that she needs help (she doesn't read or speak english very well and complains of alot of physical ailments).
i don't know. i have turned into a stalker now, checking the phone bill for how often he is talking to her and it is every single day. 
am i being ridiculous? i just don't know what to think anymore. i really don't think there's anything sexual going on...is this normal? i am i overreacting?
any input appreciated......:scratchhead:


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

anyone...?


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

You are not overreacting. Tell him this behavior looks suspicious and that it needs to stop. Its probably just a taste of home for him so that is why he is so into it. I would keep an eye on this and keep the pressure on. Even if it doesn't turn into an affair it is still affecting the marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well... it's hard to tell.

I'm 63. A few weeks ago I as hit on by a 35 year old guy who is freinds with my adult children. He says that he likes older women... who knows. I did not get into this.. he's not my type. If he was I might have pursued it.

I take it that you do not understand their language. So you have no idea what they are talking about.

Do you know anyone who can translate for you? He might have the gut feeling that you don't like his friendship with her and that is why he's does not call her around you.

Since she invites you over too it does sound like it might be more innocent... mom/son type thing. He might just be excited to find someone who fills a need to feel like he's back home.

He says she needs help.. what kind of help?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Maybe they have connected because they are from the same culture.
He seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time caring for her.
Ask for his perspective, ( of course he will defend his actions ). 
Then ask him to reverse the players and put you and an older men in the exact same scenario.
Ask him how would he feel.
Then tell him exactly how you are feeling.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Age has nothing to do with it. I would still be concerned that proper boundaries are being observed when my partner is conducting a friendship with another woman.

For example, if his mother were in need, I would expect him to prioritise her over me. If his older female friend (older than me even) is in need, I would expect only the most measured forms of assistance to occur and preferably us doing this together. and I am sure that I am being more generous than other people would be.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

The bottom line is a married individual can be overly invested emotionally with anyone regardless of age or sex. 

He needs to back off if it is effecting you this way. When I was 10 years into my marriage my wife did something similar to me with a neighbor lady. I did not know how to deal with it because I did not know what an EA was. It was the most frustrating and humiliating experience in my life.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

If this woman was in her 20's would you be even hesitating to put a stop to it?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The problem with this likely isn't that he's having an affair its that too much of his attention is on someone else. It would be the same if someone worked all the time, was addicted to facebook, or had a same sex friend that consumed all of their time. 

You are rightfully jealous because the one you love is more concerned about someone else right now.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Well, don't discount the possibility of an affair; I'm sure whatever age a woman is, a man paying her attention is a man paying her attention and it can quickly become inappropriate.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She calls him 'son', he refers to her as a motherly figure and she has physical ailments. None of this sounds very sexual to me.

I'm just thinking most men don't sleep with someone under these circumstances. Not saying it couldn't happen I'm just thinking it's unlikely.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I know, but they're speaking a different language...and the OPs husband is calling this woman every day. Mom figure or not, uncool, IMO. Besides, what man calls their mom everyday!?!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> I know, but they're speaking a different language...and the OPs husband is calling this woman every day. Mom figure or not, uncool, IMO. Besides, what man calls their mom everyday!?!


Men with mommy issues that's who. And yes it could go sexual at any time. I have a friend with daddy issues and she married a 60 year old man. She's 40.


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

wow, thanks for the excellent input! to answer some of the above questions, 
yes, i would totally feel differently if she was in her 20s. he keeps saying she's like a mother to him....

i do speak the language, but not very well and kind of get lost in the conversation, so choose to withdraw...

i do feel rejected and out of the loop in this. he seems to make up excuses to go see her (or her husband) who he is friends with too btw, but he apparently works alot 

the physical ailments are very minor, like her knee hurts, she has a headache, she is stressed out....makes a big deal about nothing for attention and my husband feeds right into it. when i bring this to his attention, he says, i know she does that, he pretends like it bothers him too, but he's right back over there or on the phone with her (of course not when i'm around)

yes i do think he knows it bothers me that he's talking to her, we've had major blow ups about it a few times. he gets very defensive, insists that NOTHING is going on, "are you nuts, she's like a mother to me!"!!

i gave him an ultimatum to either stop seeing her. he did for awhile but i ended up feeling so bad about it that i told him i don't care if he sees her, i know it was platonic. (i also called the woman and basically asked her why she called my husband so much, i was quite rude to her and asked her not to call. she got very upset, insisting that my husband just helps her and she could be his mother yadayadayada)...

i was actually thinking of recording their phone calls now (covert operation) but i just don't know......


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

addendum, i did record the phone call, well one of them and he was basically being supportive to her on what i heard. telling her to pray and trust God in some issue she was telling him about. 

oh and in my husband's culture, there's a very strong sense of "i'm the man", he doesn't want to be controlled at all


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I guess all you can really do is keep your eye on this and make sure they don't cross the line. However you choose to do this is up to you, there are many options.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I wouldn't put up with it regardless. It's gotten excessive.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why does it have to be an affiar to be wrong?

what if he was so close to his own mother, would that be right in your marriage?

A husband should not be having a relationsihp with any other person that makes his wife feel uncomfortable. 

A good husband would not even want to.


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

:iagree:
yes, that is my question, why would he want to so close to another woman, even if it is platonic? i asked him the same thing. why don't you call your own mother that often? (it's cheap we have a phone plan that allows international calls.)
but he doesn't. 
he calls his mom every couple weeks or so, thats it. 

i feel guilty saying that i feel jealous or uncomfortable of an older woman that is so needy. (she cries alot in front of others including my husband). 
i think he may be codependent upon her or something. idk. it's weird and i'm sick of it. but feel guilty for feeling this way:scratchhead:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why do you feel guilty?

It is YOU that gets to define what YOU want in your marriage.

IF he is not honoring what it is you need in your marriage, then he is choosing to be a poor husband.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

We all have only a finite amount of energy and time we can devote to our marriage. If he's taking valuable time and energy from you (his wife) to some other woman regardless of her age, he should definitely cut back his efforts. I don't know if there's a sexual component, and frankly that's a nonissue for me. It's the fact he's spending emotional energy on solving some other woman's problems. He's not a social worker or a counselor. He can help her occasionally like once every couple of weeks, but definitely not regularly. I don't know why you feel guilty. You're not in the wrong here. It's not your husband's job to solve this woman's problems. While it's nice to help others, family comes first and you're his family.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

The fact that he calls her when you're not around makes it seem a little suspicious.. Also the fact that she's married and tells him her problems? HUGE RED FLAG IMO. That's how my mothers affair started. (long story.) 
And she needs "help"? With what? Why can't she ask her husband? 

Have you found any suspicious behaviour through his texts etc? 
Trust your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

well i lost it today. we had another huge blowout about this and other things. he did his ole i'll just go back to the old country and stormed off. 
i was so pissed that i called this woman and basically told her that she is interfering in my marriage and can she please find other friends (like maybe some female ones). i was more to the point this time and again she insisted the same ole thing but i didn't care. i just said to leave my man alone and hung up. 
i'm upset still, we have terrible communication right now and now we are both upset and he stormed off. i'm glad he left. we both told each other that we wanted to be single again, but i didn't really mean it and i don't think he did either.


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## grattitude (Sep 13, 2012)

ubercoolpanda said:


> The fact that he calls her when you're not around makes it seem a little suspicious.. Also the fact that she's married and tells him her problems? HUGE RED FLAG IMO. That's how my mothers affair started. (long story.)
> And she needs "help"? With what? Why can't she ask her husband?
> 
> Have you found any suspicious behaviour through his texts etc?
> ...


i basically said this to her. whay can't she ask her own husband to help her? she's a huge manipulator and her game is trying to have ppl feel sorry for her, well i don't. 

my husband doesn't know how to text believe it or not and also has limited computer usage skills, so these 2 won't help.

my gut says that theres nothing sexual going on.


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