# came home to o.m.g



## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

sorry for doing this on a first post (also pls advise on if i break posting rules - and try to forgive the scattered writing) but the last 18 hours would not have been possible without my reading of existing posts on here - they make me feel just ever so slightly less alone

quick back ground

- togethor since high school - 11 years
- married for 4 years of this
- first and only for both of us


things have not been plain sailing over these lengths of time - never expected them to be - we used to communicate to get things out and over with - i am not perfect.

so i came home from work to find thing W wants an immediate talk - this is when my panic slowly began - she says she's leaving me and wants a D and cites numerous reasons including our long history and the amount of time i work (just a note that i only did this so we could stay afloat), also that i don't put her first, that i am controlling and the kicker being that i am no longer what she wants.

this is when the ringing started in my ears (still there tbh) - the scariest part of this was that W was calm and composed - it was planned - she had packed - other people knew...

she swears no OM and i kind of believe her - we were going to try for a family 

i did not put up a good show in terms of manliness - we used to argue and fight and it used to be loud and passionate - the fact this was not - and that i had felt it coming but couldn't find a way to communicate with her - is petrifying me

i am not a H who is in touch with his feelings that often so this overpowering numbness interspersed with bouts of emotions that simply knock me to the floor in tears is so far into unchartered territory for me i fear i'll never find a way out.

i begged for us to try something - MC even but the calmness responded with no.

She is/was/is/was/is my best friend and i know it must sound feeble but i have no-one else who comes close in terms of friendship - family and friends are not local and im not even sure if i trust either group.

recently we have been very distant - and anything i did was immediately met as though i should have known better than to speak.

its now the next day and after 18 hours of staring into space, screaming, crying, numbness, shaking and finding this forum - i am welcoming the numbness as it stops me thinking of anything about anything - i have sent begging texts and received 'calm and calculated' refusals back - empty cupboards and drawers set me off at the mo.

i have started to write a journal - some of which is in this post - and it appears to help me pass each individual hour.

i have told no one - i do not want to be in a situation where she wants me back and others judge me / her / us

how long will it take for me to believe this is true... has this changed me permanently... i'm 28 and unwanted.


this post does not sound like me - sorry for waffling on - ill try and post updates as and when

p.s. when do people who have experienced this find they can eat again?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Everything you are feeling (and then some) is normal. Being able to eat again, along with sleeping, will resume in time. Swear to this day, I cannot believe my body was able to function on how very little sleep and food it got during those first three months.

Journaling will help you to gain understanding of the things you are feeling, so keep that up. Hang in there, you will be ok!!!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Also, counseling will help. I was, still am, terrible at verbalizing feelings which are painful. I absolutely hate to cry in front of others. I sought a counselor who specialized in divorce and grief loss. I found it much easier to talk to her than any friends or family members.

It took me over a week to decide to inform just my parents and best friend about what was going on. I was very numb and emotionless when I told them. I refused to let myself cry, and ya, I realize it’s not overly healthy to keep all those things bottled up inside. Honestly after that, people just slowly started finding out.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for the reply, 3 months is daunting number of hours to clock watch!

i cant decide if i should call and beg - but if she doesn't want me, what good would it do

i miss last year when maybe i could have done something about this


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

yeah i'm not thinking coherently enough to include anyone else yet

counseling intimidates me if i'm honest - though it hadn't crossed my mind so thanks for the tip

if i am not crying for an hour or so at the moment i feel bad because i worry i'm not dealing with this or going and doing something about it i.e. my default man setting is black or white - fixed or broken and if broken then fix - but i can't see a way to fix it


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

Your story and mine are exactly the same, except for that I've been married 9 yrs to my wife. Everything you said/did I went through. Things your wife did...calmness/calculated...mine did as well. I don't know what to tell you other than this has been coming and in the works for a long time. You probably won't know why until a few months have passed, after you've done an incredible amount of work on yourself. Over the last month, I've been understanding the deeper rooted issues that actually have little to do with me. These are things within her that she has not seemed to have ever resolved. And I can't help her with that. I can only do what's best for me. It's been 5.5 months now and I've been able to completely flip my life back over and change myself for the better, coming out stronger and more focused than I ever thought I could. But again, I did this for me so I could learn to love myself first and foremost. B/c whatever happens in the end, I know at least I will come out with more clarity, determination and honest change so that I can eliminate forever the possibility of things repeating.

It's going to be a very long road. Hard at first, yes. But necessary. Let it happen. Let yourself experience the loss, pain, confusion and utter shutting down of an existence. When you go through that it makes you realize the basic form of yourself and gives you a solid base from which to build upon. I can't say don't focus on your wife b/c you will regardless. It's such a shock at the moment that it will be all you think about. But push through and start doing things for yourself. Small things like waking up and getting dressed, eating here and there, putting focus on small tasks, etc. Read some books to start understanding the roles you both played in this, especially ways in which you contributed to the way she saw things. Also, individual counseling is a must. There's no getting around it. Do not do it for her. Do it for yourself. It's the best thing you could ever do if you find the right therapist.

I won't push you to do this...as it's a decision you will have to make...but learn to let go. Not letting go completely and washing your hands of her, but letting go so that your mind can fully develop the capacity to work on yourself. It's another thing that has tremendously helped me. It's allowed me to come to peace with whatever decision is made in the end, knowing that I have tried and succeeded to bring many positive changes to my own life.

You cannot change her mind. You cannot persuade her otherwise. You cannot explain your way out of this. In her mind, she is right. In your mind, you're completely shattered. But look at it as an opportunity to come back from the ashes of what you used to be and *become* the person you have to be. Again, not for her. For yourself. If that change is noticed by her, then great. If not, that's great too b/c you will have put forth the efforts to better your own life. It's a very long road though. It is, however, the only road you can go down to make things right for you. So let it happen.

This is an opportunity and it's pounding on your door.
All you can do is answer it.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

The black and white colors of my emotional crayon box are often those which get used the most as well. I recall wanting that emotional roller coaster to stop more than anything when my marriage first ended. It’s really hard being the one who didn’t give up, step out, or walk away from the marriage. You will go through a vicious cycle of sadness, anger, guilt and bitterness.

You are correct, she has to want to come back. You also need to accept it could very well not be about you or anything you did as to why she left. Sometimes people are unhappy. You cannot fix that for her. Finding her happiness is something she has to do.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for the replies - think i will be re-reading your posts a lot 

it's the not knowing what to do that is bothering me immediately - i was very passive in the relationship - did as was told etc. now i feel childish needing direction.

i will endeavor to have a look for some books - any good suggestions?

If i were to say i hope she is happy with this decision - it may be a lie.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Make yourself go to the bookstore this weekend. Sadly, there is usually an entire section dedicated to divorce and marital issues. Cannot recall which books I purchased. Being the wife, my situation was slightly different with the fact we had a child together (you did not mention children) and my ex-husband did commit adultery. Therefore, some of the books I read might not be on your reading list.

Anyhow, make yourself go even if you don’t feel like. Nothing says you must be social with anyone. Try not to be embarrassed either. So many people go through this kind of stuff. Hence, why there are so many books to choose from.

Oh ya … and if I did not want to openly reveal the books I was reading in my spare time to others, I would either purchase book with cover and then flip it inside out or just grab an old cover from another book I had at home. Yes, it works for paperbacks also. Might require a tiny amount of scotch tape on the sides though.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

Not a bad idea that, I will have a look when I can get out of pjs,

Will feel mega guilty about going to the shops or even out of the house as I dont think I've grieved/cried enough yet - same goes for work on monday, kinda sounds silly now I've typed it

You were right, no kids, just pets and house + stuff, don't know where to start with all that

Thanks
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Don’t feel guilty. Believe me, there are plenty of more tears to come. 

For a person who hates to cry, I cried more than I thought was humanly possible. Most of those tears were only shared with my pillow. Didn’t want my sadness to worry my son at his young age. Had it not been for my son, I would not have wanted to get up everyday either. My son will probably never know that he was my true motivation to “pick myself up, dust off and take my reride.”


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Great post by lost & trying. It's so hard to see right now, but everything he said is soooo true. I'm also about 5.5 months past the beginning of separation. My H was cheating though, it just took awhile to realize. SO many go through this and are blindsided. What happens is that we become so codependent on our spouse and think they are our world, and we forget who we are. Read lost & trying's response over and over. Everything I want to say to you is in there. As for eating, make sure you get plenty of water, and maybe try protein shakes or something. You will lose weight, it happens to most of us. Post here, make it a journal. My post is 86 pages long and going. It helps to just vent and get it all out. Now I look back at where I was back in March and it's amazing to see the difference. Hard to see now, but you'll be fine whether or not she comes back. Hugs!


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I can go you one better, I came home from work to and altered state of normalcy....My H had moved out and altered my world completely. I was left with a note, and the charge to continue on with my life as I chose. Not concern for my well being from a man that I loved. I hurt for 10 weeks continuously, but the sun has come out and is shinning for me. I still have hurts and disappointments, but I know I got no one to count on but me to get me through this wonderful problem filled life. You will clear the fog in you head and heart soon and you will laugh at the thought of you laying around bemoaning a person who had made other plans. I will be praying for you, and you pray for me.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

hesnothappy - you are in my thoughts - if i'm honest i haven't prayed in a very long time - if i give it a go then ill try and put you all in there

that story sounds terrifying - i like the thought of laughter and hope to see a way to it - its going dark here now and im not looking forward to tonight

lonelynlost - i spotted your thread - i think i will read through the whole thing tonight if thats alright - yours too hesnothappy


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Be my guest, mine is a pitiful story of a man pushed beyond his measure and a woman who pushed to get what she wanted only to lose it too soon. I know people are a different levels spirutally, but honestly I would not have been able to stop crying long enough to put some gas in my car had it not been for the favor of God to hold me together ;o) I can look back and wonder how I got over, nothing but the grace of God (old song) But seriously I was so hurt and in disbelief I could not function, but I had to make it or else he would have won again and again. Use whatever will empower you to get you to where you want to be. And as a side note, you have so much to work with.... all this happened in your youth, not older folk like me ;o) You have so many opportunities to go out and find your piece of happiness again. You will realize you are in a good spot soon.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for the kind words

I feel old!

Well it's approx 24 hours since it happened and I marked the occasion with more crying and a few txts to W - the responses did not help


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

STOP!!!!!!! the begging does not help at all, especially your pride. There is a program foundon this site called the 180, find it, read it, accept the principles of it and move forward. Don't give up all your power to someone who doesn't want it. Get up and take a drive somewhere pretty and have some lunch, go to a movie, anything to give your brain a little free time. Do not call your wife, let her miss you. She may or may not find her way back to you, but she is only going to come to someone she misses.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

hesnothappy said:


> STOP!!!!!!! the begging does not help at all, especially your pride. There is a program foundon this site called the 180, find it, read it, accept the principles of it and move forward. Don't give up all your power to someone who doesn't want it. Get up and take a drive somewhere pretty and have some lunch, go to a movie, anything to give your brain a little free time. Do not call your wife, let her miss you. She may or may not find her way back to you, but she is only going to come to someone she misses.


I support this 100%


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

I did find it but thought if I just sacrifice all I can to try and get her back then I wouldn't miss the pride if it worked,

After typing that line above it's becoming obvious to a small bit of me that I have no idea who I am on my own

Everyone on here seems to give good advice - glad I found this place

Now I just need to listen to all of you


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

after thinking back over some things I realized there was a name for something W did 2 years ago - she had an EA - which she swore was not a PA - i did find evidence that this was a lie but buried it in the hope we would work things out. And we did, for a time

man i've acted like a fool


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

whatonearthnow said:


> after thinking back over some things I realized there was a name for something W did 2 years ago - she had an EA - which she swore was not a PA - i did find evidence that this was a lie but buried it in the hope we would work things out. And we did, for a time
> 
> man i've acted like a fool


Then there's a good chance you know who she left you for.

Check the bank accounts asap.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

good tip - all done - you cant really move nothing!

I have been sole bread winner for ages now which has meant o so much stress on me bringing home enough to live on and enough to pay for W's edu etc. mini silver lining i suppose

W's recent new found fin independence through work may have contributed to this - don't need him financially so can s*d him completely

As for knowing the OM - she never let me other than a name - and i didn't act as i wanted to bury it and stick my head in the sand


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

Before buying any books, research the internet and then visit your library. At least they are free....it could save you a great deal of money. I dont believe there is one book that will provide you all the answers, so that is why I say hit the library first. The go to the sefl help sections and take your time.

Good luck...and prayer for strength and peace in your heart. Pray for yourself. Dont pray for God to bring her back....this is about you


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you do pray, pray for patience, growth, and self-love.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

and appetite - scales say 12lb down after no meals since thursday

going to try forcing some toast on myself

I will be damned if I cant get through this as that is just going to let her win

step one in attempting to regain ones self appears to be toast!

i am holding off contacting her as per the 180 - man this is hard - last txt i sent was almost 18 hrs ago - how long do i keep this up for?


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

Hey there Whatonearthnow,

I was directed over to your thread by a friend because I had a very similar situation happen to me in February of this year. My thread is listed under "You had me at can we have a serious talk." The details are different, but you may take some comfort seeing my process.

First let me tell you I am divorced, and I am happy. I did not WANT a divorce, but it still happened, and I can accept that I am now much better off as an individual because of this experience. 

You will think life is over, that no one loves you or will ever love you again, that the pain will never subside. It isn't, they do and will, and it does.

Right now you are in shock and mourning. Grieving for the death of what you had, because what you HAD is gone. No matter what happens next there is no going back. The best advice I can give you is to accept that and focus on yourself as much as possible. You can only control your portion of what happens next.

The first two weeks were hell for me. Although I kept going to work I was a ghost. I spent all day on here reading, and all night at home laying on the floor crying. I also stopped eating and kept myself alive with cheerios, protein bars, and shakes like ensure. If you are not eating balanced meals, it won't hurt to take some vitamins. Keep your immune system up by drinking some orange juice. You do not want to compound your emotional strain with a physical illness too.

I understand your desire to keep the situation quiet in case she comes back, but honestly you can find great strength by confiding in trusted friends or family. If you are not ready to inform the entire support system, hopefully you have someone who can listen and be positive.

Please keep posting here as you have done. We will follow along and help any way we can


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks oak i will try - and ill also put your thread on my reading list

as an update - i have forced myself to get dressed and nip to the shop as the pets were getting in need of supplies

just walked back in after rushing in case W showed up

was surreal walking around and not being able to look people in the eye - must be a confidence thing. I'm starting to get a little worried about work tomo - I could attempt to work from home but have major clients in on Tuesday where I need to be focused and confident. Nipping to shops has drained me so how will a whole day go! i suppose the first one of everything is going to be the hardest at the moment. Do people tell there boss's/line managers when this happens to them? I've had people i manage come and tell me when they've had a break up etc. so i could provide support to them - i dunno though

Also partly worried that W will turn up at the house when i'm at work and i'll miss an oppo to see her - although what i'd say is a mystery to me

180 in tact but i have been checking fb and flicking through photos


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

There's a lot of good advice in here and I hope you take some of it to heart. It sounds like the marriage wasn't perfect and that she had an affair. No marriage is perfect but you have to stop the begging. It hurts and you'll continue to hurt. But you're bringing yourself down in your own eyes and hers. The best thing you can do is pick yourself up and be as brave as you can be. There's talk in here of the 180, no contact etc. Make her wonder. I think that's good. If you can break the contact and start working on yourself, you make her wonder.

If you stop the contact and the begging and do the 180 and it works, then you have a chance at working it out. If you do it all and she never comes back, you will have done a lot to pull yourself together and you will still be better for doing it.

My advice is to stop talking to her, stop txting her, and stop calling. Give her time to digest that. Right now you're hearing nothing. Let her experience that. No matter how much she thinks she's over it, she will be affected by it. It might not bring her back but it will get her thinking.


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

You've continued to get great advice, though I know it's a lot to take in and might make sense in theory, but we all know how tough it is to follow the advice in the moment.

MOST important thing right now is to NOT contact her unless you absolutely need to (money issue, etc.). Any contact you do is going to be seen as overbearing and will just reinforce her reasons for leaving. If you feel that you need to communicate some things, draft up a letter and post it here and we'll help you tweak it. You can NOT beg for her to come back. She needs to process and experience the loneliness. Regardless of what the true reason is for her leaving, she is going to feel smothered if you reach out. 

WOrk on you. You have depended on her for happiness and now you are mourning a loss. Take this opportunity to work on YOU and being happy with yourself. Reach out to someone, you need to be able to have someone real to vent to. We are here for you, of course, but it does help to have someone know the whole story and to even bounce our ideas off of. And talk to your boss and let him know what's going on. It's going to be a difficult month at least, but you can do this. And you'll look back and be in awe at how much you've grown and changed!


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

ok so I took your advice and against my usual patterns of behavior, i confided in a friend - just came off the phone to him and feel a little better. He agreed that giving her some space is the best option.

I really want to just text and ask 'So what now?' but can see this conveys anger - but i am ANGRY, I'm angry this has happened, that i couldn't stop it, that I'm going to be alone, that she doesn't care, that she has said she no longer loves me, that she is throwing so many years away, that I will be seen as a failure, that right this second if she were to walk back through the door i don't know if I'd want her :rant:

grr

*goes for a cuppa tea*


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

And the healing begins. Everyday you will get stronger and more clear about your position in life. Good luck on your journey. We are here with you all the way.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

whatonearthnow said:


> that I will be seen as a failure,


I completely understand that it is hard to not feel like you are the one who failed. However, nobody will see you as a failure!!!! Especially no one here on TAM.

One of the things I've noticed, is the man will feel as if “He” failed the marriage more often than a woman. I have heard more men state “I screwed up!” whether they were the one who wanted out of the marriage or the wife did.

A few current situations with others I personally know, along with recent posts from yourself and others, somewhat spurred the thread I started yesterday http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/30227-wives-leaving.html . I’ve found the feedback very interesting.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for posting that - good thread to read - found it weirdly cathartic

am starting to form thoughts that i need to man the hell up and better myself properly no matter what happens.

still really need to text/call/drive to where i think she is.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Hope you didn't do any of those things. You are not going to get the desired result from those action at this juncture. Let her get her feet wet and see if she will miss you. It is a lonely cold world out there and she will find out soon enough. Save your self some hurt and disappointment.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

I didn't do any in the end

Managed to successfully sleep for a few hours instead

Wow I feel like a sack of crap today

I think she will miss me but I don't think she will want to come back to me - she was just so dam calm n calculated - not like her at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

I physically forced myself to get into work - realised that if I didn't go in then it's for reasons that revolve around her.

Am sat now feeling so guilty for being here.

I wrote an apologetic note for going and left it in the house - but then ripped the apologetic bit off and just left 'I have gone to work' - also feel guilty about that, what if she turns up and thinks I don't care...


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## chuckwood (Aug 22, 2011)

I read your post and it really hit home. I am going through almost the same thing right now. I have been with my wife for 13 years and married for 5. I could feel trouble brewing for years, but I guess I was in denial. She finally dropped on me 2 weeks ago that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and that she doesn't even want to try to fix the relationship. Like you, I am crushed. I'm 34 and I thought this would last forever, but it didn't.
What I have found to be helpful is keeping busy. Exercise is a great way to ease the pain. I wasn't much of an advocate of exercise before this, but a good walk or bike ride will do wonders. I know it's hard to breathe. The tightness in your chest feels like it will never go away. It subsides and I'm sure it's different for everyone, but you have to believe that you will be better for this. I have never been a spiritual person either, but got desperate to try anything and found that asking for answers from God has helped greatly. I started reading a book by Dr. Wayne Dyer called Inspiration Your Ultimate Calling. It has helped. I don't know what you believe in, but finding balance in yourself will make you stronger and more able to deal with this. Nurture yourself; mind, body and spirit and you will find that you are part of something bigger. Everything has a reason and purpose. Perhaps your marriage ending was a gift to make you stronger so that when you find your next great love you can enjoy a joyous life together. You will see in time that your marriage was not perfect and you will come to know that your wife was not who you needed in your life. I'm still struggling with all of this after 2 weeks and there are times when I feel like I can't go on. I just keep moving and keep faith that this too shall pass. Nothing is permanent, pleasure or pain. Good luck with your life my friend. I'm thinking about you. Also, your post was helpful to me because it made me feel less alone. It's a good idea to get out there and start talking about this with some people. Friends and family can be a great help at this hard time. If you feel awkward about talking to them about it, just imagine if they had come to you with the same issue. You would be there for them and do whatever you could to be there for them. They will do the same for you and make you feel loved which is something that you need now more than ever. Sorry about jumping around a lot, but my mind is racing from lack of sleep. It does get easier and the pain will subside. There is new life waiting for you.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Beautifully written Chuckwood,and so true ;o) I am still praying for us all. Glad you are at work,it will take your mind away from things concerning your situation. Have a wonderful day.


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## Oak (Mar 21, 2011)

whatonearthnow,

From what I have read you are doing very well.:iagree:

Try not to stress about her coming by and you not being there; I did that as well 

If she wants to see you, she will contact you. Give her space and do not invent ways to run into her. By going to work you are sending her the right message. And if she does come by, it will probably be to collect something she left, and she will appreciate you not being there trying to smother her. 

I strongly advocate exercise as a healthy outlet. Just a walk through the park or around the neighborhood can be extremely refreshing. 

I love movies, so I went to the theater by myself a couple times just to get out of the house and take my mind elsewhere. 

If you are reading a lot of self help books, go to your local bookstore and get a cup of coffee while you read them. Being around people helps the loneliness you feel at home AND you can read books there without spending a lot purchasing them all. 

Pandora (the internet radio service) became my best friend and I would leave it on at night so it was not so quiet. Music is also something that brings me comfort so I spent a lot of time listening to songs that I enjoyed in my youth.

Keep it up!


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

I was starting to struggle this afternoon, have been asked why i'm sombre (ironic considering the mourning aspect) - and then I read the posts and it has given me a small second wind - so thank you all.

chuckwood - I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I also find comfort in the sense of not being alone - and also that you are able to take up exercise within 2 weeks - has your W contacted you in the 2 weeks?

hoping to go to a bookstore on way home - I need to know what I did damnit 

ok ive just received a text while typing this - o s*** - reading this is going to hurt


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

I suggest reading the "Just let them Go" thread on the "Coping with Infidelity" thread. Trust me, dude. Begging, pleading, etc. does no good whatsoever. I've tried it all. Just let her go. You don't have kids, so no contact should be a breeze. IF she comes back, then you can consider whether or not you want to reconcile. Until then, start moving on with your life. The 180 helps. Protein shakes give you nourishment and are easy to get down. The weight loss can be a good thing, unless you are too thin to start with. I know the 30 pounds I lost pretty quickly helped me to look a lot better. Exercise and music also help.

Don't snoop, stop the fb and pictures. It does no good at this point. Do something you enjoy. Whatever you enjoy. Some old hobby you had before you got married and lost your sense of individuality. Keep posting here. There are lots of us that have been through/ are going through the same hell as you.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

ok an update

so the text that stopped me dead in my tracks was from W explaining she has been to get rest of stuff and apologising for doing it while i was not there, that she couldn't take <pet> today and that she will start sorting bills next week and she had taken certain other items etc..

tbh I immediately found some space at work at dialed her number... no answer - and i'm glad in a way as I don't know what i was going to say. so i put the phone down and took a breath.

and another

all the while thinking o crap - in my state of despair this past weekend i wrote A LOT of stuff down - now i remember not leaving my journal out but i did accidentally leave a list of 'Worries and things to consider' which was full of my decisions about items, worries about bills, random things that she had forgotten and may need - it was just a list, of superficial worries but i left it out and she must have read it as she took an item on there that i mentioned i was going to be happy for her to have.

i'll finish the update and then ask what i think are the three things i need opinions / help with.

so i text and said 'just wanted to say ok, and that i feel bad for not being there and that i can bring <pet> to <her>, im guessing you found list on table'

after her acknowledgment i followed it up with a panic txt asking her not to read anything into my list of superficial worries.

i also received an 'are you ok?' msg from a friend that is one of her best but that i've always got on well with.

So my fresh set of worries include the following
1 - did the fact she found this bleedin list make her think that i've got nothing left to say, that once this list is done - thats it...

2 - did i over extend and look far too enthusiastic when offering to take <pet> - does she think i've accepted this whole situation - i was just trying to appear supportive

3 - any advice on asking her friend for info / talking to her etc.


arghhhhhhhhhhhhh - my insides are in bits - again



p.s - tried a bookshop on the way home - feeble selection - going to head to amazon - looks like it's going to be reading on here for a while - thanks for the oppo to vent on here - you should tell me if you get bored of me or i'll just keep typing.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Vent all you want on here. Don't worry about what she saw. Settle down. Breath in, breath out. Sometimes, that is about all you can do. Go for a walk if you can. If your job allows, get some dumbbells you can keep under your desk. I have some that I use when I can't get out for a walk around the parking lot. Exercise hard, it helps.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> Vent all you want on here. Don't worry about what she saw. *Settle down.* Breath in, breath out. Sometimes, that is about all you can do. Go for a walk if you can. If your job allows, get some dumbbells you can keep under your desk. I have some that I use when I can't get out for a walk around the parking lot. Exercise hard, it helps.


thanks HurtinginTN - i needed that.

Weight wise - lets just say i have (a little) time before my bmi becomes a problem

Music - we listened to a lot of it - have gone cold turkey for the mo - along with coffee and alcohol.

As for the exercise - i plan to at least do something gym related if i can - will be my first time in one  (prefer sports)


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## chuckwood (Aug 22, 2011)

Glad I could be of some help. She and I have talked or texted almost daily. Sometimes it feels like it makes it harder, sometimes easier. I just want her back so badly that I have trouble staying away. She's been staying at a friends house, who happens to be a guy which makes it infinitely worse for me. Every time I wake up in the middle of the night and she's not there I lose my mind. I decided today that I am not contacting her for a week. The ups and downs are just too hard. When she's nice to me, it makes me feel like she loves me again and wants to reconcile... but then she tells me that nothing has changed. It's crushing. I know that I'm crowding her, and I am going to stop now. If I ever want her back I have to let her go. I have to give her space. And, I have to remember that life goes on. I will be fine. This is what was meant to be and as long as I take care of myself, everything will fall into place. Blessing to all of us who are going through this tough time.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

feel for you chuckwood, hope you feel better soon

I am finding it *so* difficult to not crowd and badger and contact.

Via txt today I shot my 180 in the foot with a series of 'stern' msgs after W said she thought i'd accepted it issed:

I know I should be focused on myself but I can't think of a way to fix this.

So drained atm - work from home tomo I think, driving like this cannot be healthy.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

to whoever said 'exercise' in the responses, i say thank you.

Just went for a run (unknown for me tbh) - and it has helped clear my head a little.

started a helpful book, more on the way, and I have made steps towards starting IC

now bracing self for next knock back...


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## forever learning (Sep 28, 2010)

whatonearthnow,

Sorry to read about your situation. My soon to be x has been the same, calm cool, non emotional. that is hard to figure out and it hurts. 
The exercise is a great way to deal with it all. I have been going through a tough spot that started a year and a half ago. One benefit is that I just had a check up and the Doc said I was as healthy as you can be and he was just a little jealous  I exercise regularly and it helps alot. 
I haven't posted my whole story on here (its enough to start my own daytime soap) but have read lots. There is tons of great advice and we have been through and have felt what you are going through.


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## Nikolas (Aug 22, 2011)

I wish I would come home from work one day and my Wife would do that, And as calm and collect as she was, what more could you ask for?

Consider yourself lucky this happened before you started a Family. I'd don't mean to sound cold hearted here, it's always hard to lose someone you love. You need to get over it and move on with your life. Now your free to look for your soul mate, someone who appreciates you and makes you feel wanted. I wish you all the best my friend.


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## chuckwood (Aug 22, 2011)

whatonearthnow said:


> I know I should be focused on myself but I can't think of a way to fix this.


You can't think of a way to fix it because there is no way for you to fix it. It is out of your control. The more you try, the worse it will become. It's like Chinese finger cuffs. The more you struggle, the tighter they get. Focus on yourself and give love to everyone and everything that you encounter. The more that you are grateful for all that you do have in your life, the less pain you will feel from the 1 part that you lost.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

I feel for you man. I'm 2.5 months in, plus I'm still living with her and our kids. My best advice since you don't have kids is to cut her off as much as possible.

Potential list:
Dissolve joint accounts
Change the locks (so you have to be there and agree to what she takes, she already left YOU)
Block her on Facebook and another other social sites
Cut off anything you are paying for her

I know it is hard to be mean to someone you genuinely care deeply for and want to make things work, but SHE doesn't and you can't make her. You can't please her either. She likely is seeing someone else. Try to accept it, agonize over it, and let it go. Meditation helped me very early on.

I wish that I had these options, but mine is a different animal.

Right now you can't think about anything, but her. Rememeber when you would pass a beautiful woman on the street and it is a rush? She is the only rush you are going to get right now. Nothing else is going to satisfy. You need to realize that your mind is trying to hold on to the old pattern which is why you are acting a little crazy over her. This is a predictable process, but it will be much longer and hurt much more if you give into the urges you are feeling. Trust me. I have and it gets worse when you do. 

"You deserve better." I had a friend remind me of that phase earlier today and they are so right. Tell yourself that and take a messured look at the complaints your wife has leveled. Look on amazon for the popular books on those topic areas and order a few or go to the bookstore if you can stomach going to the counter with them. Go workout. You'll feel 1000% better when you are truely tired and will sleep much better.

Don't let your wife goad you into the old pattern of talking about your feelings. She wants control over your emotional state, she wants to keep power over you. When asked if you are ok by HER, your response needs to be, "Yes, I'm fine." If she starts trying to fight with you or get a rise out of you say."I'm sorry you feel that way. We should discuss this later." Don't let her show you affection especially this early. She's manipulating you. It will just hurt more in the long run. 

IF she decides she would like to come back. Give yourself some distance, get through the pain and then objectively judge if you two are going to be good for each other. If she doesn't start talking about Divorce in a few weeks to a month, she is sitting on the fence. She'll stay there until you force a decision. Once you are emotionally better you can start that process if it is what you want to move on.

Don't let her run over you and don't react to her. Your decisions and responses need to be measured, cool, and confident. Remind yourself that you didn't do this, she did. You can't fix it or her, you only have control over you. Who do you want to be today?

GearHead


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks.

I am having a very difficult night tonight. When previous posts told me that there was more hurt to come I didn't really understand but I am beginning to.

Now I don't use FB that much but I noticed that she was gone from it, unfriended her husband I think - this started me off sinking fast.

I tried to organise a meeting, just to try and talk when I was in a little less shock, for maybe tomorrow night or some point before/over the weekend - now, and at least she said she'd meet me, but not until next week as she was busy this weekend, and would contact me on Tuesday.

5 days in isolation and loneliness is going to be more agony - I also can't get the image of her with an OM for the weekend out of my head and it's driving me insane.

as a small plus, I am awaiting confirmation on an IC appt mid next week.

I can't stand this sinking feeling in my gut any longer... I know my problems are nothing compared to others on here...

help


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Just try to relax. Find some old hobby that you have neglected and start it back up. Find a good book, watch a good movie, go for a long walk. Anything to get your mind off the crap that is going on. It is a roller coaster ride. You are in a low spot, but you know what? No roller coaster in the world would sell a single ticket if it just stayed low all the time. There will be highs. There are hills coming ahead of you. You may not be able to see them right now, but trust me, they are coming. With time, the lows don't go quite so low. The highs get higher.

You will come out of this, but it won't be today. I am just now starting to realize that the pain doesn't fade immediately. But it is fading for me. It will for you as well. Hang in there. Vent on here all you want. There are a lot of us on this damn roller coaster. Some are further along than others.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

whatonearthnow said:


> 5 days in isolation and loneliness is going to be more agony - I also can't get the image of her with an OM for the weekend out of my head and it's driving me insane.


You have to force those thoughts out of your head. They will certainly drive you insane. Replace them with activity. Any activity you enjoy. Those thoughts pop in your head less with time.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

Cheers, I want my admission refunded for this amusement park...

A run cleared my head a bit and allowed me to think 'why does it bother me when she no longer wants me'

Amazon book breaking up blues arrived today so am now getting stuck into that

Thoughts go out to all going thru this

I really used to like roller coasters as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Do you're best not to contact her. Make her come to you. It is extremely important that you focus on yourself and not her. She's causing you pain, having her around, right now, is only going to cause more when she leaves. You are chemically dependent on her. She isn't to you. Get over the withdrawal then agree to meet her. She really won't know what to do when you don't pursue her. She is expecting it and anticipating it. Right now it is all about her, you need to make it all about you. Once you've done that then she can't predict what you will do or how you will respond which will make her second guess everything. Change the locks, don't tell her, and see what happens... ;-)


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Your problems, my problems, everyone's problems are something ;o) and we all have to deal with them in a positive fashion. Gearhead is giving you some good advice. Let her and you know that life will go on with or without her. Just hold onyou got some more time to put in before you start to see the sunlight again. But you will see it shinning brightly.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

cheers all

so this is friday's update - one week since it happened.

Work was difficult today - 'game face' was starting to slip a bit. Did engage in a bit more conversation though - still hard to even force a smile but hey ho. Confided in one person today whom I trust at work and they were empathetic and said they almost knew what I was about to say before I told them - this was perhaps a little telling of the situation prior to last week.

Went round to a mates after work and chatting helped - went to a hardware store to buy ladders (at least it felt like a manly thing to buy...). I've been getting a little concerned that I can't get any emotions out other than fear, shame and anger. 

So for the last week I have been off coffee, alcohol, food (for the most part) and surprisingly music.

Now I/we used to listen to music all the time, in the house, car, head phones etc. - I associate it with being happy, so I think I went cold turkey on it as I couldn't face any music. But on the way home tonight I put on a single song (coldplay cover) and something weird happened - I could not stop crying, like I hadn't done since she left. I felt a little relieved afterwards that I can still feel like that.

this week felt like 7 years not 7 days.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

about 8 months for me, and for the most part I am doing OK.
I skimmed the posts here, see a lot of good advise for you, the best advice is (IMO): 
not contact her at all - 180 all the way
change the locks on the house
separate bank accounts
Keep working
try not to sit at home by yourself, as much as possible
Keep in touch with friends
Do not be afraid of people knowing what has happened
Find a councilor that you are comfortable to talk to 
continue to post here


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

Its good to let that out. I had a moment like that too this week. I had to go out of town for business and on my way to the airport I couldn't stop crying. It was the first time I'd left the house for fly away work since D-Day. I hadn't cried like that since the last time she ran out the door to see him 4 weeks ago. Those moments are intensely personal and you can take solace in the fact that it is a step to grieving. 

Buck Up it does get better.

Changed the locks yet? ;-) You were at the hardware store...


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

at least i'm not going round the bend then, that's a good start.

yet another run has helped, got an IC appt all set for nxt week (unsure how I feel about this)

long weekend but lots of reading to hopefully settle me down


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I usually come home to W.T.F.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

sundays update/vent/ramble

lots of reading done today, starting to get a handle on the things i need to accept and work through i.e. my failings in this, trying not to blame or feel guilty etc., start to build back my confidence also.

bit of sports on tv allowed me to switch off for a bit which was nice. Forced another run as I don't want excess energy when trying to sleep at the mo.

Taking vitamins and I even used a knife and fork for a small amount of food which stayed down!

I am beginning to think/overthink/stress about when I meet W, what could happen, what to say etc.

Also the beard is coming off tomo as it itches like crazy...


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

right so i have a meeting sorted with W - is it weird to be nervous? going to try and use the meeting to decide on what i want and attempt to keep this civil as if this is staying permanent we have a lot to sort out.

how have other first meetings gone post separation?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Glad to hear you are getting a handle on things. You sound a lot better now than you did just a few days ago! It's not weird at all to be nervous. In a short amount of time, your partner and love of your life has gone to an almost stranger. The first meeting will be awkward for both of you. Try to keep things unemotional if this is a business/logistical meeting. If it's to discuss the relationship, try to listen more than talk. Try to hear what she's saying, and don't beg or plead. Make it known what you want and how you intend to get there. YOu WILL survive with or without her. Good luck!


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for the advice.

I think there is something to the 'being chemically dependant' statement i read somewhere because as soon as the meeting was set - i perked up, i know chances are nothing has changed but i don't think my body knows it...

She has picked a public place which will make it a little easier to talk. 

Still massively worried about being all alone and such but I don't see it as life threatening as I did about 11 days ago. (i am also waiting for the next rollercoaster turn for the worst)

First ever IC tomorrow as well - going to be busy after work


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Whatonearthnow,
I just finished reading your thread. It's been a week since you posted, I truly hope things are going better for you.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

Checking on you too. Have a wonderful week. Hope everything is going well for you.


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

thanks for the check in all

Things are roller coastering all over the shop tbh.

A few more people know and after meeting up i am as certain as can be that this is a certainty 

There are things i've learnt that have knocked me on my ass again so I'm going to try and figure out how to deal with those in some more IC which is helping.

I'm still around and reading threads etc. but my feelings and mood are changing daily if not hourly and I'm so not used to this - its proper draining!

Appetite is still non-existent, however vitamins, cereals, tea and juice are keeping me going, so far I'm down around 21lb.

Sleep is semi-achievable, although when i wake up after having spent the night dreaming of her - i feel stupid  - anyone else do this?

Will try and post more updates as and when - hope everyone else out there is doing ok.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Hang in there. Ive lost over 30lbs so far so yep it sucks.... Heck of a weight loss program if you can handle it but not one I recommend.

As far as the dreams yes I have had that happen on more than one occasion and it is ruff.

Keep your head up


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## dhpoolman (Sep 4, 2011)

I have a meeting with my W after seperated for only 5 days tomorrow to talk about selling the house. 

It's definitely normal to be nervous, cause I'm scared sh***less!


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## whatonearthnow (Aug 20, 2011)

Hope it goes ok poolman, I am now trying to sort house out for valuation etc.

I felt a tiny bit more settled after first meeting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

whatonearthnow said:


> Appetite is still non-existent, however vitamins, cereals, tea and juice are keeping me going, so far I'm down around 21lb.
> 
> Sleep is semi-achievable, although when i wake up after having spent the night dreaming of her - i feel stupid  - anyone else do this?






Lostouthere said:


> Hang in there. Ive lost over 30lbs so far so yep it sucks.... Heck of a weight loss program if you can handle it but not one I recommend.


I called it the “D Diet” trying to lighten the seriousness of how thin I’d gotten. Had not even realized how much weight I’d lost until I went to buy a new pair of jeans. My weight had gotten down to just barely over a whopping 100lbs. I’m 5’4” with athletic tone and most of my life I’ve been thin. However the fact that I was 36 yrs old and struggling to keep the majority of my pants up with a belt began to worry others.

Can’t even tell you when I began to sleep again. Honestly three years later, I still have a really crappy sleeping pattern. Up and down most of the night. I usually give up trying to sleep after 5am and will quietly start on chores until it is time to wake my son up for school.

Hang in there!!!


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

The D diet is a good name for it. Dang 100lbs wow. My sleeping has gotten a lot better since all this mess started. Taking it one day at a time is about all we can do. No way to fast forward this mess unfortunately.


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