# Strange behaviour of husband



## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

I am 51 , my husband is 53. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. Actually been living with him almost 12 years. 4 years ago he left without warning. I was very hurt to say the least. Shut off his mobile phone, after 3 days turning it back on. Texting..not hopeful...didn't love me any more.After a week he did love me and was sorry. After less than 2 weeks he was home. Didnt seem to be clear about his actions...just did it on spur of moment thinking he did not love me. Great year followed. Lots of making up, lots of fun and I had to work on trust and believe his promises.

15 months later same thing happened. No build up or warning. Niggly things in marriage but nothing major, no big rows or days of silence , nothing like that. Just everyday stuff and hard work with three teenagers ( he's the stepdad). This second time he played with my head for around 4 months ( because I let him, I know!). Strange reasons...even maybe mid life crisis. Nothing concrete. I had a breakdown and had to go into hospital for a couple weeks. I didnt see the second one coming as much as I didnt see the first. Shock. Hurt. He even waited til I was hosptialized before he started threatening divorce by text. A lot of cruelty ( he admitted at a later date that he played on me because he knew I loved him..power and control he said). This time he was gone about 7 or 8 months. We gradually started courting each other whilst apart and he wanted to come back after 6 months or so. We set a date. I got cold feet a few days before he came back. I told him I had cold feet. he immedately came round to my home and cried and pleaded for me to give him a chance to prove his love etc.
I caved in.

He came back. Hes not been having a good time with my children since hes been back. hes not great with children anyway and isnt entirely comfortable around them. I have played middle man. Love them all but obviously in different ways. I have had a lot of physical illness since he came back also and not been as active as usual for long periods of time. I did talk about all this with him of course and he assured me all was fine. He went fishing 4 months ago after 2 years back at home with me and didnt come home. Gone...this time he says for good. This time? He doesnt love me and can see no future.
Now this is fine because everyone has a right to fall out of love BUT he never addressed anything before he left. I even asked him periodically if he felt ok etc. He always assured me he was fine. The week before he left he was even still calling me 'princess' in texts...same normal loving husband he seemed. The night before he left he kissed me goodnight as normal and even got out what we were going to eat the next day from the freezer. Told me he was coming home early from fishing.

Should I forgive him? Am I a complete fool to actually feel sorry for this man. He seems so closed up...almost lost in a solitory world and no apparently he isnt depressed. Hes saying this is for good this time but when this man was with me we shared laughs, dreams, hobbies...we fished together most weekends through summers. Sex life was fine unless I was too poorly but he said he understood that and was fine with it. Its like he did everything in his power to eb the loving dutiful husband when with me and as soon as leaves I just dont know this man at all. Like chalk and cheese.
What do you think please. I dont know how to feel any more but I do care about him and am in shock again.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Was this your husband's first marriage? Or was there someone before?


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

He was married to only one childhood sweetheart before me for over 20 something years.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

how can u read what you wrote and then ask if you should forgive him for devastating you in one of the cruelest ways? Abondoning you over and over again with no warning or explanation. What you need to ask is how to forgive yourself for treating yourself so badly as to allow this person to continue to do this to you.

good luck.


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

Yes I do know what you are saying. I just wished he hadnty been such a lovely person whilst with me and all the other years too.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm just wondering if there is something unresolved from his past. And also how he treated his former wife. Really strange behavior.....

The point is that this behavior is destroying you--and it needs to stop. Have you and the husband considered marriage counseling? That would be my next step.


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

He was very much a quiet man I think and his past wife didnt treat him too well. She was rather cruel and domineering. We went to counselling for few weeks after he left second time but it wasn't proper marriage guidance. We only went 3-4 weeks and decided we could manage fine on our own.

Our sex life was always very good ( my recent illenss permitting), all through the marriage. He was always kind and considertae when with me ...almost the total opposite of what he is like the moment he leaves.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think it's pretty cruel to play the "I love you, I love you not" game like this. Sure, you can forgive him...but I'm not so sure I'd want to be manipulated (that's how I see the crying and begging to be allowed to return home) into coming back home. If that's what he even wants AGAIN. 
Regardless, maybe a counselor could help you get to the bottom of this. I think I'd talk to one.


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

It is cruel and feels devastating when it happens. I cant explain too well but he must be the best actor in the world because each time I would never have known it was about to happen. I can make sense of a marriage breakdown when a person falls out of love becaue I have been there myself in my first marriage. When I fell out of love it seemed a gradual process and along with that process it began to appear more evident to my then husband. It took on a physical stance too where I didnt want to kiss or cuddle never mind sex..of course thats noticed after a while. Coversations became much less..less interaction, I'd busy myself to avoid a lot of closeness all round. Eventually for me I would say it even became painful to be near my husband.
I can only go on my experience of this but I have to say....he didnt show one single sign right up to the night before he went. same intensity of kiss goodnight. He had sent me loving texts all that week before he left. A short while before he left we were talking in bed one night and I said 'we'll be ok wont we'...I actually felt very close to him that night and he'd been such a support whilst I was poorly, it made me feel terribly loved. His reply? Dont be silly, of course we'll be ok!!
Hmm???


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

He could have some kind of mental health issue.

But regardless , not tolerable behavior .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

Thanks for the replies so far. Apart from obviously missing him sometimes again, I now realise I am going to have serious trust issues in the future with any man. Because my husband was so very convincing I dont think I will ever believe any man who is showing me any love. Things are so easy to say and in my husbands case so easy to pretend even by manner and action, that I relaise now anyone could do this if they chose to.

My husband has communication issues, we have discussed this in the past. It was agreed when he came back last time that he would be more open and let me know if anything was troubling him. I just cant get my head round why he chose not to. I put that part on a plate for him.
I asked him why he didnt discuss it all with me prior to leaving and he said ' I didnt want to hurt you' Doh!!! Surely anyone with a modicum of intelligence can see that doing it this way is much much more hurtful?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I think he took the easy way out. Much harder to let you KNOW that something is amiss...then you get into the talking part, which it sounds like he'd rather avoid. Doesn't want to deal with issues, kwim? That's just what it sounds like to me, anyway.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Usually I just think there is someone else.

If there's not someone else in the picture, he's just mentally way way off base.


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

No..no one else. This time he seems to have let himself go a bit in appearance etc. He waches tv and dvds constantly all day since he has been off work with an injured leg since late november. For about 6-8 weeks he visited me every weekend and stayed over as 'friends to see how it goes'. I wanted us to do things be pro active to have some fun, he wanted to watch tv and dvds . I knew he'd never 'find anything' doing that. It stopped as soon as I started to speak my mind! It was ok if I didnt confront in any way but if I did he ran! He sent an email to stop it too as opposed to saying it to my face!

Yes getting him to discuss anything emotional ever was like trying to get blood out of a stone! He seemed to clam up immediately. He could do it by text better!


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Read your posts... and its pretty simple to sum up my advice.

If you enjoy this emotional rollercoaster, let him stay in your life. If you are sick and tired of the games.. move on. Simple as that, no reason to overcomplicate it. After the first time he pulled this nonsense, the hurt you endoured is on you.

If my wife is a cheater, and i let her back in my life and she cheats again... i have to accept that i take part of the blame for being duped a 2nd time. I know moving on at 52, is a lot different than 22, but your situation does not seem healthy in the least bit.


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## serene (Jan 17, 2011)

Hmm..I certainly dont enjoy the rollercoaster. In fact I have been a lot stronger this time round. Even finding a new circle of friends. I just wish he'd get his act together for his sake, my sake and any future relationships sake so that it all doesnt happen again. He has issues with communication, emotions ( emotional unavailability) and the words 'in love' as far as I am concerned. Top that up with a lying syndrome and its clear he has problems. I am the exact opposite...like the air cleared,honest and up front, wears heart on sleeve. Recipe for nothing to be solved. Strangely I do still have deep feelings for him but to be honest when he isnt running away which has been the majority years of the marriage he has been a very lovable kind hearted man....easy to love. Cant just switch the feelings off, wish I could. All I can do is take my life one day at a time.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well all this continues until such time as you bring it to a close then. Either he comes back with the understanding that if he ever leaves again he will be insta-divorced, or you say goodbye to him now.

Obviously easier said than done, but those seem to be the natural outcomes.

Pretty sure if he finds out you're going on dates that he will come racing back though...


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