# Do I try again or let go?



## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

*Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!!!!*

*NEVERMIND! Just found out one of the numbers he called at the end of May was for an escort service!! He said he didn't go through with it. After a 4 years of lies and cheating I don't think he will ever change. If he does I won't be around to find out!

I'm done.

Lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce!

I am so PISSED OFF right now I can just scream! *


My origanal post is It's been a year! Get over it! for the back story.

This is where I am now:

My husband had relatives come and stay with us for a few days after I kicked him out of the house. I told him he could come back home and stay with them in our house and I stayed at my parents with the kids. He told his relatives what was going on in our marriage and all about his affairs. They talked with us last Saturday and they told him what he did was wrong and that he needs to do what ever I need him to do to help me rebuild trust. They said we owe it to our children to try one more time to build a better marriage and make things work.

Last Saturday he promised to be open and have full transparancy. He gave me passwords to his email + facebook accounts. I also have access to his cell phone. He has a VoiP calling account, but would *NOT* give me the password at this time. He did make a printout from the website showing me all the calls he made using his work phone to make the outgoing calls so I wouldn't see the access number on the cell phone bill. He was starting to reconnect with some women friends in May and continued into this month. Not many calls, but enough to start an EA with them in my point of view. 

Things have not been easy for him since May because I was starting to trigger a lot. I began learning about his affairs last year in June. This brought about a lot of anger and resentment toward him and I was not a pleasant person to be around. Even though I had no proof he was doing anything in the last 6 months I was constantly bombarding him with questions and doubt. At times he was trying to be a good husband I would shut him down and constantly bring up his affairs. Some days I wonder if I can get past this.

Now after having the list of calls he has made (about 3 calls to 4 different women), he wants me to try and work on our marriage again. He said he will seek IC and go to MC again. (I stopped MC in March because I thought I was done and going to file for divorce. He also stopped IC around that time.) 

Now he is owning up to what he has done and realizes pain I am going through. He said he wants to try one more time to make up for the wrongs he has done. He promised me he would cancel the VoiP account, and open a new one that I would have access to because his family lives out of the country and he uses that to call them. He said he will delete these women from facebook and end all contact with them. He really wants to try and build a better marriage by both of us making changes so that we can be happy with each other. He PROMISED me today that he was done and said he can't stand to see the pain he has caused and doesn't want to live like this anymore. He knows he hasn't been fully commited to R because deep down he doesn't think I can get over the affairs and belives that I will end up divorcing him in a matter of time.

He left this morning with our 2 oldest children on a trip to NYC. He left me with a list of the numbers he had called and after looking through the list I realize there weren't that many calls. I think I have prevented any potential EA from developing. I called him to talk about women he had called. He told me he was driving with the girls and didn't really want to discuss this at that time. I hung up thinking that it is over. He called back 20 mins later to tell me he didn't want me to be upset all day over the calls and that the girls were asleep so he could talk. He said he was calling them just to talk about life and then some flirting occured. He said he was sorry for doing that and realizes it was wrong. He said he promised from here on out he was done and would stop this behavior if I will try to put the affairs in the past and move on. If we work on our problems and spend more quality time with eachother things will improve. He is willing to give it another chance if I am. This time fully commited to R.

My family knows what has been going on this past year and they know of the recent calls. My parents now *HATE* him and want nothing to do with him. They think I should get a divorce. They don't think he will change and that he is just staying because of the financial burden of a divorce. 

I want to try one more time to make things better, but I am afraid I can't let go of the pain and therefore keep my anger and resentment toward him. Can this be repaired?

If I start focusing on myself and turn my energy toward forgiving instead of expecting him to go underground I think it can work. I think I owe my children the chance to make things better and get try to get over the affairs. If it doesn't work out I can always look back and say I tried all I could.

Time will tell. I can always file for divorce in a few months if things don't get better. What would you do in my situation?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

momma2four said:


> My origanal post is It's been a year! Get over it! for the back story.
> 
> This is where I am now:
> 
> ...


I think you answered your own question in that last paragraph. 

Don't rush into anything now, if you have doubts about divorce. 

The voip password thing bothers me though. 

What is he hiding. Insist on it before he closes the account. 

My STBEH had two secret bank accounts. One I found years ago. He close it even though I asked him to have the statement sent to the house. 

I found a second secret bank account after the affair. 

He promised he would send the statement to the house, but never did. 

Then I found out he closed it. 

IMO, he closed the accounts so that I could not see how much money was in it and could not call to get past statements. 

The letters I read indicate he spent a lot of money on the OW, gifts, trips, expensive dinners out. 

Anyway insist on seeing the statements and getting the passwords to the voip account. 

He may be hiding something out of fear. Still, he should hide nothing.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

One good thing is I know where all the money is going. I see his pay check and how it is divided. I have access to all the accounts so I can see where money is going. We have CC debt and anything extra goes to pay those down. We never had debt before this year, but we took a trip to Africa and that set us under.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

momma2four said:


> One good thing is I know where all the money is going. I see his pay check and how it is divided. I have access to all the accounts so I can see where money is going. We have CC debt and anything extra goes to pay those down. We never had debt before this year, but we took a trip to Africa and that set us under.


I, too, saw his pay check and paid all the bills. 

He also had a secret credit card account with the statement going to his office. 

I don't know how he managed to hide money, but he did. 

I think the Voip thing may indicate he is still talking to someone in the recent weeks, and he doesn't want you to see that.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I will be more aware for sure. Voip calls are current as of yesterday. He did log into the account infront of me 2 days ago but then logged out after seeing calls going back to the beginning of Aug. with my own eyes. I will get the account password just to verify before I commit to R.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

momma2four said:


> I will be more aware for sure. Voip calls are current as of yesterday. He did log into the account infront of me 2 days ago but then logged out after seeing calls going back to the beginning of Aug. with my own eyes. I will get the account password just to verify before I commit to R.


I think that is only fair, don't you?

It's a small request and resisting it on his part is pointless to me.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You keep stating---he says this, and he says that, he says he will do this----you still don't get it--do you

You TELL him how it will be, he doesn't get a voice in the discussion---if you say jump--HE SAYS HOW HIGH

You get all passwords----he should be taken off all social websites, including FB---no e-mail---no nothing---these are all part of his accountability, and penance---if he doesn't like it---tell him to get an atty to defend a D., action

Do not stay and live in misery---for the sake of the kids---they are already miserable, and you being miserable helps nothing

You seemingly have both sets of parents on your side---use them, to apply pressure on him

What you must understand is, at this point---he does ALL the heavy lifting to make the R. work----if you need to use D/threat of D., to get your point across DO SO--

--you have to be harsh----no crying, no depression----you are now in control of things, and if he doesn't like it---tell him to leave---no being mrs nice--lady---no lovey--dovey----hopefully, if he is at home, you have removed him from the marital bedroom, to a small room elsewhere in the house---if you haven't done so---DO SO IMMEDIATELY


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

*Re: Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!*

NEVERMIND! Just found out one of the numbers he called at the end of May was for an escort service!! He said he didn't go through with it. After a 4 years of lies and cheating I don't think he will ever change. If he does I won't be around to find out!

I'm done.

Lawyer tomorrow to file for divorce!

I am so PISSED OFF right now I can just scream!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Don't back down, cuz when you do put his feet to the fire---he will try to manipulate, cry, pull on your heartstrings, to let him back----

Don't allow him to get back in---stay tuff-----keep up your resolve---what you do now matters, when push comes to shove later on down the line


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## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

momma2four, sounds like D is the only wty to go he will continue to cheat its in his DNA. please for your own peace File, but be ready for MR. Hyde to come out


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!*



momma2four said:


> NEVERMIND! Just found out one of the numbers he called at the end of May was for an escort service!! He said he didn't go through with it. After a 4 years of lies and cheating I don't think he will ever change. If he does I won't be around to find out!
> 
> I'm done.
> 
> ...



I am so sorry. 

Personally, I think all cheaters are sex addicted. 

I mean, hey, I really really enjoy sex, but cheating on my beloved husband was never a consideration for me. NOr was viewing porn. I just don't think about sex all day. I have too many other things on my mind. 

It did not matter how handsome or wealthy the invitee was. I was shut down. I loved my husband. 

He destroyed that love.

One of the things the OW mentioned to my STBEH in her emails was that she was easily bored and didn't know how to keep herself occupied.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

OMG...I feel like such a fool. I wanted to trust again so bad. I need to find courage coz I'm completely falling apart.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

*Re: Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!*



momma2four said:


> NEVERMIND! Just found out one of the numbers he called at the end of May was for an escort service!! He said he didn't go through with it. After a 4 years of lies and cheating I don't think he will ever change. If he does I won't be around to find out!
> 
> I'm done.
> 
> ...


momma, why do you continue to torture yourself by trying to ride this bus with four flat tires? One chance should be ALL any cheater deserves and in most cases they don't deserve one.
What I can never understand is why a cheater will assume that their betrayed spouse will for some unknown reason want to take them back.
My ex has tried three times since the divorce two years ago, each time with a different story of woe in regards to her finances.
She seems to forget how she proudly told me about the host of guys she was with while I was paying to support her and both of the brats she had with two different guys without my knowledge. She made it quite clear that the perceived physical issue that I had would never suit her, and yet she expected me to forget about all the taunting.
Any decision you make that doesn't include him will be better than letting him back.
My opinion.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

*Re: Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!*



hookares said:


> *momma, why do you continue to torture yourself by trying to ride this bus with four flat tires?* One chance should be ALL any cheater deserves and in most cases they don't deserve one.
> What I can never understand is why a cheater will assume that their betrayed spouse will for some unknown reason want to take them back.
> My ex has tried three times since the divorce two years ago, each time with a different story of woe in regards to her finances.
> She seems to forget how she proudly told me about the host of guys she was with while I was paying to support her and both of the brats she had with two different guys without my knowledge. She made it quite clear that the perceived physical issue that I had would never suit her, and yet she expected me to forget about all the taunting.
> ...


I ask myself this every day. I keep thinking I wish I had the courage to leave the day I found out. I don't know why it is so hard to pull the trigger and file for a divorce. 
I'm scared to be alone because I don't know if I can trust anyone again. I don't know if anyone will put up with my constant checking on them because I will doubt faithfullness as long as I live. 

My kids adore their father and I can already see some change in my 10 yearold daughter. We have always been the closest, but now I feel her getting closer to her father and I am scared the kids will hate me for getting the divorce.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

*Re: Do I try again or let go? NEVERMIND!!!!*



momma2four said:


> I ask myself this every day. I keep thinking I wish I had the courage to leave the day I found out. I don't know why it is so hard to pull the trigger and file for a divorce.
> I'm scared to be alone because I don't know if I can trust anyone again. I don't know if anyone will put up with my constant checking on them because I will doubt faithfullness as long as I live.
> 
> My kids adore their father and I can already see some change in my 10 yearold daughter. We have always been the closest, but now I feel her getting closer to her father and I am scared the kids will hate me for getting the divorce.


I felt exactly the same at first. How could I ever trust my own judgement again. 

But after reading TAM posts about red flags, I realized they were there all the time. I just was so naive about them. 

Now my eyes have been opened and if and when I decide to date again, I will be looking for those red flags. 

The red flags were there even prior to our marriage. I just didn't know what they were. 

You can't see a red flag of an affair or a cheater personality type, if you don't know what they are. 

Most cheaters pick naive honest trusting people.


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

I feel physically ill. I can't believe I got my hopes up for R. All day long I can't get my mind off the woman "escort aka h00ker". How do I stop myself from drowning in this sea of misery?


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