# I want to save my marriage



## Zlost (Mar 7, 2016)

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for little over 6. I am 32 and he 30. Tension started the end of January. In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that. He has been sorting out things since the beg. of Jan. This was sad to process. We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.

I had found a message by accident (our iMessage is linked) of him telling a friend he has feelings for a coworker. I have indirectly brought up my concerns, like grooming more, fear of being replaced; the grass is always greener notion, but he did not say anything. I said my fear was someone would take advantage of this time and take him away. He said he would not betray me but his emotional feelings to this co-worker seems like betrayal in a way, even if one-sided. My fear is that these new feelings are the root of the problem and why questioning things?

We are still in the same bed, watch tv and share goodnight kiss and hug (lessening). He stopped initiating I love you and places his ring in his pocket. He said he is doing things to see if he would miss them ; he doesn't and feeling nothing at this time. I feel lost and not sure what to do. I fear he is checking out so I just do not want to make it worse. I told him the marriage is important to me and I want to get through it together. He said he knows but not sure feels the same/cab be fixed. I feel hopeful and defeated at the same time. Anyone experience anything similar?

Zlost


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Zlost said:


> My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for little over 6. I am 32 and he 30. Tension started the end of January. In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that. He has been sorting out things since the beg. of Jan. This was sad to process. We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.
> 
> I had found a message by accident (our iMessage is linked) of him telling a friend he has feelings for a coworker. I have indirectly brought up my concerns, like grooming more, fear of being replaced; the grass is always greener notion, but he did not say anything. I said my fear was someone would take advantage of this time and take him away. He said he would not betray me but his emotional feelings to this co-worker seems like betrayal in a way, even if one-sided. My fear is that these new feelings are the root of the problem and why questioning things?
> 
> ...


Yes, lots of us men have experienced the same exact thing. Your husband is an Ass of the first order. Yes, he is having an emotional and probably positively a physical affair with the coworker, and has been for some time. He is a liar, and you should absolutely go see a lawyer.
I know this is crushing, makes you feel undesirable and destroys your self esteem. But know that once this bull crap starts, it will just get worse.

So don't sit idly by and try to nice him back. Move forward in life, by filing for divorce and showing him a first class taste of reality. Then he will likely think twice about pocketing that wedding ring. That makes me angry as hell. All men aren't this disloyal, and will appreciate the heck out of a loyal woman. 
You will get lots of advice. Most will say file papers, and the sooner you do it and NOT delay for any reason, the better off you'll be.
So very sorry. I know it hurts.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

I'll tell you what to do because my wife did this to me when our marriage basically started out terribly and I asked for and filed for divorce 5 months after saying "I do".

Agree with everything that he wants and repeat it all back to him so that he hears you tell him what he is telling you. Be as ambivalent with him as he is being with you. Get in the best shape of your life and start wearing outfits around him that you know will draw his attention. Do things that aren't needy of him AT ALL. Make him wish for you again and act as if you don't need anything from him.

If he comes back to you, great. If not, you've lost nothing and are well on your way to a happy life without him.

I came to my senses in only a couple months' time. We've been married now for 9 years and are incredibly happy and deeply in love with one another.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry there isn't much you can do to win him back. He is thinking the grass is greener and wondering what he missed out on. He has been with you since he was 18 years old. Why is it that men start questioning their love in their marriage only when they have another women in the wings? They need to go from one women to the next and can't be alone that's why. Keep a watch on him that he isn't having an EA or PS with this co worker. If he is expose them at work.


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## Zlost (Mar 7, 2016)

Appreciate the feedback...
Evinrude- 
It is good on where you stand on the loyalty part.mi would be lying if I said I wasn't hurt or confused. not the type of person my husband is. My intuition tells me that the feelings he is having is not known to this person; I think the new feelings again has confused him and getting him questioning where we stand. I do not want to wave the white flag.

Auto-pilot-
it is comforting to get the perspective from a marriage that survived this similar case. Can I ask some questions when have the chance..did you continue with your usual routine together? Give her more space? Sleep in different room? Bring up how you were feeling? How long did the tension/distance last? Did contemplating ending come out of her mouth? This situation just has me thinking why and how did this happen. I hope I am lucky like you and he wants to rebuild as well.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Do you want to divorce or reconcile?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Men generally don't fall in love out of the blue without first "sampling the goods". Not always but often enough. So if I was a betting man I would think the relationship has gone physical. Perhaps in your husband case he is the exception.

Your best bet as listed above is to file for divorce. Pretend he doesn't exist. Get in shape, socialize with friends. If he realizes what he may lose in you it is on your terms to renew a relationship with him. Needless to say if you do accept him back he needs to find new work - can't be around this chick.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage. That he would do this so soon and possibly during your hardship speak volumes about his character. 

Do the two of you have any children?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zlost said:


> My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for little over 6. I am 32 and he 30. Tension started the end of January. In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that. He has been sorting out things since the beg. of Jan. * This was sad to process. We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.*
> 
> I had found a message by accident (our iMessage is linked) of him telling a friend he has feelings for a coworker. I have indirectly brought up my concerns, like grooming more, fear of being replaced; the grass is always greener notion, but he did not say anything. I said my fear was someone would take advantage of this time and take him away. He said he would not betray me but his emotional feelings to this co-worker seems like betrayal in a way, even if one-sided. My fear is that these new feelings are the root of the problem and why questioning things?
> 
> ...


Oh, yes it bloody-well is relevant! 

He is heartless. Divorce him.


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## Gert B Frobe (May 6, 2011)

All I could say is YOU make the first move from him. He assumes you are a sure thing forever. Start dressing extra sexy, and ask him for am open relationship. This is a last ditch desperate move, but I have seen it work. It forces him to totally reevaluate what he has with you. You take control of who stays and who goes. Try it, it just may work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Zlost (Mar 7, 2016)

Response to feedback:

-Would like to prevent from getting to point of divorce
-no we do not have children. Tried for about a year, miscarriage after 2 months.
-I do think that him being attracted/feelings is one sided at this time. I have met this person recently and they all know he is married. I also hold the phone records. Know other avenues to talk though.
-I read some articles to basically echo what autopilot said, to agree with what he has to say and keep busy to not let him see how it is affecting me. That this behavior is better then crying, begging etc.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Zlost said:


> In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that.
> 
> We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.
> 
> ...


I'm going to be blunt. Very blunt. He has checked out. He's treating you with indifference. You had a miscarriage and it doesn't even register a blip on his emotional radar.

He places his ring in his pocket. He feels nothing. 

He "cares" about you. This is nothing more than the classic ILYBNILWY mantra.

So he's got a roving eye and is bored in the marriage. You are desperate and acting clingy. YOU want to save the marriage. It sounds like he doesn't give a f^ck.

Filing for divorce is not a game to win him back. It is setting a boundary on what is acceptable to you in a marriage relationship. I was married to my first husband who pulled this crap whenever I tried to deal with any issues. His response? "If you don't like it, leave!!!"

I did. And I didn't look back. What did I gain? A better paying job, my self-esteem, and the ability to not put my emotional well-being and happiness in someone else's basket.

Stay and do anything you wish to save the marriage. I have the feeling you will come across as looking needy and unattractive to him. I wouldn't put up with that crap, but it's not my marriage.

He's playing a dangerous game. And it's a bad thing for a marriage.

Best of luck.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Zlost said:


> Auto-pilot-
> it is comforting to get the perspective from a marriage that survived this similar case. Can I ask some questions when have the chance..did you continue with your usual routine together? Give her more space? Sleep in different room? Bring up how you were feeling? How long did the tension/distance last? Did contemplating ending come out of her mouth? This situation just has me thinking why and how did this happen. I hope I am lucky like you and he wants to rebuild as well.


The major difference in our case and yours is that I never told my wife that I wasn't sure that I loved her and did not have my eye on anyone else. We dated for 2+ years before getting married. We were (and are) a blended family and nothing seemed to work right from the beginning. It was absolutely awful. So, I thought the easiest solution was to divorce and go our separate ways.

We did not continue with our usual routine together at all. She basically did her thing and I did mine.

She gave me all the space I wanted, didn't let me know where she was or what she was doing...pretty much the indifferent treatment.

We did sleep in different bedrooms until she got my attention and made me realize how stupid I was to let the wonderful person that she is go without working harder for her.

She never brought up how she was feeling to me. The minute I told her I wanted a divorce she shut down her emotions from me.

The tension/distance (as you call it) lasted for a very long time. It wasn't easy repairing the damage done. In fact, she told me later that she didn't think that she could ever love me the way that she wanted to ever again. I'd say that the distance and tension from her hesitancy to reveal her inner-most feelings to me lasted at least a couple of years or more.

We both worked VERY HARD to salvage the marriage once I recommitted to her and she saw the measures that I took to make it happen. We did dual marriage counseling at the same time: (1) with a Marriage and Family Counselor once per week and (2) took a 10-week Dynamic Marriage course (incredibly difficult emotionally on both of us) meeting once per week all concurrently in the beginning. Once the Dynamic Marriage course ended we continued regular Marriage Counseling weekly for nearly a year until they said that we were well on our way to marital healing.

She only brought up the "Divorce" word after I filed. As stated in my original post, she repeated everything back to me so that I could hear what I was saying from her perspective. She was always very cool and nonemotional about it as if it was inevitable because in her eyes it really was.

I absolutely hate that I did that to her because it did leave lasting scars. We have a wonderful marriage today and yet it could have been wonderful from the beginning if I had just tried a little harder to make the blending go more smoothly. I just wanted to insert her into my life and continue on the same way I had always done. It just doesn't work that way, I quickly found out.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

And did I say I moved her from another state 750 miles away to the town I was living in? And then basically dumped her. I cannot believe that we survived that.

One day maybe I'll write a book about it all if I can get the courage to reveal how badly she was treated by me. The pain is no longer there for either of us (in fact we can laugh about it today), but it took a very long time before we could discuss it with anyone else.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I will get flamed but there are two flavors of affairs.

1. A person not getting their emotional needs met at home, begins to wonder and wander, and gets involved with another person.
2. A generally crappy person who is very self centered and cannot ever be trusted.

There is always an element of #1 and #2, but if your H is predominatly #2, there is no hope.
If there are things he is lacking which you can provide then there is hope.

Your job is to sort this out and determine what you are dealing with.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Zlost said:


> My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for little over 6. I am 32 and he 30. Tension started the end of January. In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that. He has been sorting out things since the beg. of Jan. This was sad to process. We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.
> 
> I had found a message by accident (our iMessage is linked) of him telling a friend he has feelings for a coworker. I have indirectly brought up my concerns, like grooming more, fear of being replaced; the grass is always greener notion, but he did not say anything. I said my fear was someone would take advantage of this time and take him away. He said he would not betray me but his emotional feelings to this co-worker seems like betrayal in a way, even if one-sided. My fear is that these new feelings are the root of the problem and why questioning things?
> 
> ...


Here's what I said to my husband and any man I dated: Do not cheat on me - I will not forgive you. If you want to be with someone else, tell me and I will let you go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rsexton (Jul 27, 2016)

Zlost said:


> My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for little over 6. I am 32 and he 30. Tension started the end of January. In a nutshell he said he cares for me but is unhappy and qusstions the love part. I was his first everything so he did not explore more and feels like settled due to that. He has been sorting out things since the beg. of Jan. This was sad to process. We had a miscarriage in December but he said that is not relevant.
> 
> I had found a message by accident (our iMessage is linked) of him telling a friend he has feelings for a coworker. I have indirectly brought up my concerns, like grooming more, fear of being replaced; the grass is always greener notion, but he did not say anything. I said my fear was someone would take advantage of this time and take him away. He said he would not betray me but his emotional feelings to this co-worker seems like betrayal in a way, even if one-sided. My fear is that these new feelings are the root of the problem and why questioning things?
> 
> ...


One thing stood out. He is taking his ring off. He has feelings for a coworker. Is he taking the ring off to show the coworker that you are seperated? He can tell her any lie even though you really aren't separated! Example.. we are having problems. My wife this and my wife doesnt do this or that. Etc. She feels sorry for his stories. You know the rest. Sounds like its already an emotional affair. Why else would he take it off. 

Sorry if someone else posted the same thing. Didn't read em yet . 

If I were in your shoes I would tell him that you aren't happy. You know what the deal is and if he doesn't change/fix the issues that it's over. Of course there is probably issues he sees in you. All men do. Lol. But that talk needs to happen. Good luck 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zlost said:


> We are still in the same bed, watch tv and share goodnight kiss and hug (lessening). He stopped initiating I love you and places his ring in his pocket. He said he is doing things to see if he would miss them ; he doesn't and feeling nothing at this time. I feel lost and not sure what to do. I fear he is checking out so I just do not want to make it worse. I told him the marriage is important to me and I want to get through it together. He said he knows but not sure feels the same/cab be fixed. I feel hopeful and defeated at the same time. Anyone experience anything similar?
> 
> Zlost


This is crap. Why are you allowing him to test the waters like this? Tell him that he needs to get out. Give him a time limit, say two weeks, get a place figured out and then go. He wants out, ok so GTFO. You are allowing him to treat you as Plan B, his fallback plan in case his grand plans with this other woman don't pan out. Time for you to take control.


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