# Husband went through 6 years worth of my messages!!



## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

I found out that my husband had logged into my facebook on his phone and went through messages as far back as 6 years ago! Things have been rough for the last couple years with us but there has never been any cheating. Issues have mostly been about his drinking. When I asked him about it he admitted that yes he had gone through my messages and had found a message I sent 2 years ago to an ex from highschool (we dated 19 years ago). We grew up close to each other and had been friends as kids and shared a very close friend who was killed in an accident 2 years ago and I had sent him a message saying "are you ok?" to which he replied he wasn't and I messaged back that if he needed anything to let me know and for him to hug his wife and kids and stay strong for them. I was genuinely worried about this old friend and that was the extent of it. There was another message he found from 6 years ago from an old friend (male) from highschool congratulating me and my husband on the birth of our daughter and the same person a few years later asking if our volleyball team needed players. My husband is livid and says he can't trust me and I'm a liar and a bunch of other crap. Am I wrong for being pissed? I feel like he was looking for anything he could use against me because he has made a mess of the last few years and wanted something against me. Or am I completely wrong for messaging this guy to make sure he was ok? I apologized for not telling my husband I had sent him a message but I'm not apologizing fro sending it. I'm a little shocked that we are going through this juvenile BS after 18 years being together.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

MamaLew said:


> My husband is livid and says he can't trust me and I'm a liar and a bunch of other crap. Am I wrong for being pissed? *I feel like he was looking for anything he could use against me because he has made a mess of the last few years and wanted something against me.* Or am I completely wrong for messaging this guy to make sure he was ok? I apologized for not telling my husband I had sent him a message but I'm not apologizing fro sending it. I'm a little shocked that we are going through this juvenile BS after 18 years being together.


OP your thread history suggests you know by now that your marriage has MAJOR issues, not the least of which is your husband's alcoholism. He's been in denial about his alcoholism and has once again clearly reneged on his promise to quit drinking after you told him there'd be no more chances, last July. 

You already know the answer to your question, you typed it above yourself. There is no rational reasoning with your husband, you know this. He needs rehab and serious counseling.

When will you decide to quit facilitating the damage your marriage is doing to your children?


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Ex's are Ex's for a reason and should remain EX's
Contacting old male friends on social media can and
has caused many problems in marriages. How would 
you feel if he had done the same thing and not told 
you ? I am not saying he has a right to act like he is
but you did this and did not tell him He may feel you 
are hiding something. 

Do you have access to his FB and social media ?

I think all social media should be available to both 
people in a marriage. Then neither can hide or seem
to be hiding anything. 
Talk with him and try and work this out and next time 
tell him.Try and avoid contact with old male friends and 
he should avoid contact with old female friends also.

He really needs too get help for his drinking. Do not 
tolerate that. That could be a factor in his behavior.
His behavior may get worse if it continues. Do not
accept any excuses from him about this or give him any 
reason to blame you.

That could be what he is trying to do.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think he is making a bigger deal out of nothing. He is trying to get the attention on you instead of his drinking problem. I don't think you did anything wrong-- just wanted to see if he was OK.. He's married with kids, nothing went past that.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

He has every reason to be upset that you contacted ex bf and that they are contacting you, even if it is not often. Ex bf need to remain in the past.

His jealousy over that is separate from his alcoholism, which you need to make some decisions about. You can't stop his drinking, but you can decide if you want to live with an alcoholic.

Are you going to AlAnon meetings? They are for the loved ones of alcoholism, to help them learn to not be codependent, and to support them having boundaries.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

If you plan to continue trying to make your marriage work, at least quell this argument by agreeing on boundaries with exes and members of the opposite sex. Some spouses are ok with hi/hellos to exes, many are not. Refusing to compromise is only adding fuel to this fire. The Karpman Drama Triangle might help you figure out how to avoid slipping into this ongoing cycle of victimhood that your husband keeps trying to suck you into.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MamaLew said:


> I found out that my husband had logged into my facebook on his phone and went through messages as far back as 6 years ago! Things have been rough for the last couple years with us but there has never been any cheating. Issues have mostly been about his drinking. When I asked him about it he admitted that yes he had gone through my messages and had found a message I sent 2 years ago to an ex from highschool (we dated 19 years ago). We grew up close to each other and had been friends as kids and shared a very close friend who was killed in an accident 2 years ago and I had sent him a message saying "are you ok?" to which he replied he wasn't and I messaged back that if he needed anything to let me know and for him to hug his wife and kids and stay strong for them. I was genuinely worried about this old friend and that was the extent of it. There was another message he found from 6 years ago from an old friend (male) from highschool congratulating me and my husband on the birth of our daughter and the same person a few years later asking if our volleyball team needed players. My husband is livid and says he can't trust me and I'm a liar and a bunch of other crap. Am I wrong for being pissed? I feel like he was looking for anything he could use against me because he has made a mess of the last few years and wanted something against me. Or am I completely wrong for messaging this guy to make sure he was ok? I apologized for not telling my husband I had sent him a message but I'm not apologizing fro sending it. I'm a little shocked that we are going through this juvenile BS after 18 years being together.


I don't know the specifics of your marriage so I am going to give you a general answer. I have read so many post about people using social media to cheat, and so many posts of spouse finding out years later by going though chats and stuff, I can understand why he did it. In the same respect I don't think you did anything wrong. So if it was me I would forgive him for checking, it's really not a stretch in today's day and age? 

That said I am not sure what your husband is upset about though, maybe he is acting mad to cover his ass, maybe you are not telling us everything or maybe he is very insecure. At least you know he still loves you I guess. Look at this like a wake up call. 

Marriage Counseling I think.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I see a big red flag here. In my personal experience people who accuse you of cheating are usually the ones doing it. He’s really stretching to try to prove you’re doing something you aren’t. Should you have contacted that guy? No probably not but it didn’t go anywhere further than concern. Definitely he’s making a mountain out of a mole hill. I would be quietly checking up on him though. I’d bet money he is the untrustworthy one 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> OP your thread history suggests you know by now that your marriage has MAJOR issues, not the least of which is your husband's alcoholism. He's been in denial about his alcoholism and has once again clearly reneged on his promise to quit drinking after you told him there'd be no more chances, last July.
> 
> You already know the answer to your question, you typed it above yourself. There is no rational reasoning with your husband, you know this. He needs rehab and serious counseling.
> 
> When will you decide to quit facilitating the damage your marriage is doing to your children?


All true yep! I need to get past the gut wrenching feeling of breaking my kids hearts and go now. That is the plan, this argument probably doesn't even matter at this point. It came out of nowhere so I was trying to decide if it was worth defending myself or letting him believe I'm the horrible one for messaging an ex years ago. I needed to read this, thank you.


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## MamaLew (May 4, 2017)

happysnappy said:


> I see a big red flag here. In my personal experience people who accuse you of cheating are usually the ones doing it. He’s really stretching to try to prove you’re doing something you aren’t. Should you have contacted that guy? No probably not but it didn’t go anywhere further than concern. Definitely he’s making a mountain out of a mole hill. I would be quietly checking up on him though. I’d bet money he is the untrustworthy one
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


He is definitely the untrustworthy one but it isn't cheating and I know this. He is reaching for anything to blame me because he knows I'm on my way out the door and it is his fault. I shouldn't have contacted that guy no and I apologized but was hoping to get others opinions about what I did to get an outside perspective of the situation and you are saying exactly what I was thinking.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Pull the pin. Do it for you and your kids.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I am big time agai st. I ta t with exes,but I think there was a legit excuse here and since there was. I back and forth, it’s not a big deal.

His drinking... big deal.


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## WestCoastBeachBoy (Jan 4, 2014)

Your contact with your exes was to the extent of being a good human. 
Just because you dated or slept with someone doesn't mean you may never speak to them again. Your husband is reaching.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your H is an alcoholic. Alcoholic's brains do not work right. They do not think, feel, act, react or rationalize the way a normal, healthy person would. 

Alcoholics/addicts are often so whacked out that they make the sober partner feel like they are the crazy one. 

You are not able to have a healthy, happy, sane and stable relationship/marriage with an alcoholic/addict because they are not healthy, happy, sane, stable people.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

MamaLew said:


> I found out that my husband had logged into my facebook on his phone and went through messages as far back as 6 years ago! Things have been rough for the last couple years with us but there has never been any cheating. Issues have mostly been about his drinking. When I asked him about it he admitted that yes he had gone through my messages and had found a message I sent 2 years ago to an ex from highschool (we dated 19 years ago). We grew up close to each other and had been friends as kids and shared a very close friend who was killed in an accident 2 years ago and I had sent him a message saying "are you ok?" to which he replied he wasn't and I messaged back that if he needed anything to let me know and for him to hug his wife and kids and stay strong for them. I was genuinely worried about this old friend and that was the extent of it. There was another message he found from 6 years ago from an old friend (male) from highschool congratulating me and my husband on the birth of our daughter and the same person a few years later asking if our volleyball team needed players. My husband is livid and says he can't trust me and I'm a liar and a bunch of other crap. Am I wrong for being pissed? I feel like he was looking for anything he could use against me because he has made a mess of the last few years and wanted something against me. Or am I completely wrong for messaging this guy to make sure he was ok? I apologized for not telling my husband I had sent him a message but I'm not apologizing fro sending it. I'm a little shocked that we are going through this juvenile BS after 18 years being together.


Sounds like an invasion of privacy with no reason to. 

Not to mention he has found nothing wrong (maybe wrong for him if he's a possessive type) and yet calls you a liar and what not for nothing.

Maybe it's even projection, red flag right there.

Or maybe it's just alcoholism. I'm so happy I quit.

Lots of issues but you two can work on this. Find a sober moment and discuss it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

To me, trust is one of the most important parts of marriage. I would be very distressed if it disappeared in mine. 


Also don't forget the old like that men who look behind curtains for hidden lovers, have probably hidden there themselves.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> He has every reason to be upset that you contacted ex bf and that they are contacting you, even if it is not often. Ex bf need to remain in the past.
> 
> His jealousy over that is separate from his alcoholism, which you need to make some decisions about. You can't stop his drinking, but you can decide if you want to live with an alcoholic.
> 
> Are you going to AlAnon meetings? They are for the loved ones of alcoholism, to help them learn to not be codependent, and to support them having boundaries.


And bear in mind that AlAnon is one way but is not the answer for every circumstance but never forget there is an answer for every circumstance out there. Whatever works for you.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You did nothing wrong OP. 1 ex contacted you twice - for congratulations and a volleyball question. The other 2 messages concerned the death of a mutual friend. Only a completely obssessed moron would get angry with you for that. Period. Full stop. 

And it takes a heck of a lot of projection and unaddressed therapeutic needs to accuse you of doing anything wrong.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

cc48kel said:


> I think he is making a bigger deal out of nothing. He is trying to get the attention on you instead of his drinking problem. I don't think you did anything wrong-- just wanted to see if he was OK.. He's married with kids, nothing went past that.


I agree with this ^^^

Your messages to your friends seem innocent, and I also don't think you did anything wrong.


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