# Anger-my husband



## Michelle007 (Apr 26, 2013)

Hello,

I have been with my husband for seven years now. The first couple of months were pretty good he was head over heels in love with me and did everything to make me happy and feel nice. Probably after about three/four month I started to notice his anger and trust issues. He will fly off at me over the smallest things and becomes very very angry. Even after the issue is resolved (sometimes they are so minor like finding a new place for me to store food in the cupboard which he felt was in the way) he becomes very cold and withdrawn for a few hours. He never wants to talk about it even if I wait till the next day or week. He can act absolutely appallingly calling me names and putting me down and all this starts from him getting upset over something very minor. His anger usually flares without me saying anything back at him (Im not arguing back , usually I just try to smooth things over as best I can). Despite how terribly he acts he never apologise and acts like he was right. 

He also has major trust issues and openly says he trusts no one. He becomes very paranoid over small things and even after I've explained things to him calmly will not talk about it and just shuts down for a few hours. 

He had a very violent upbringing and unfortunately at times becomes quite aggressive when he us angry. I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells. 

He seems to treat work mates and friends differently. Everyone else thinks he's such a sweet loving guy. Which he can be at times. 

When he snaps it usually happens so quickly, I have no warning that its coming. He can be happy one minute and them completely snaps. Interestingly though, an issue which would usually turn into a really big deal can very easily blow over and be forgotten if someone arrives at the door to stop in for coffee (and its not just the two of us alone). 

He also has a very very bad memory and frequently becomes extremely angry with me blaming me or accusing me about things that we already discussed/ sorted last month/year etc. 

All the men in his family have serious anger issues. I can't work out if he has a serious mental health issue or if he is just a horrible, angry man who wants to hurt me.

I'm aware that this is not a great marriage to stay in, however, I'm not looking for advice on whether to stay with him or not, ill work that one out on my own. I'm really looking to talk to anyone else with the same experiences or knowledge in this area. 

Thank you for your time


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Dont have personal experience with this kind of explosive anger, but I can tell you soothing him, trying to rationalize with him only feeds it and encourages the next blow up. Leave the room and don't come back until he has calmed. If he starts again, leave the room again. If he follows you, leave the house. Do not give his anger an audience. Do not allow things to go back to normal unless he agrees to talk about the legitimacy of his outbursts and treatment. 

You want to bring children into this combat zone?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow. I would be telling him that if he doesn't get into some serious heavy duty therapy, buh bye!!


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Does he seek constant admiration, or talk about his biggest accomplishments and later you find out is was not true? Does he punish you with silent treatment? I am wondering if he is suffering of narcissism. Check out the description if narcissism you will know if he is one


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Michelle, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you are having so many painful experiences with your abusive H.


Michelle007 said:


> I can't work out if he has a serious mental health issue or if he is just a horrible, angry man who wants to hurt me.


I cannot diagnose your H's issues. Only a professional can do that. What I can say, however, is that the behaviors you describe are on the list of traits for a personality disorder. Specifically, the behaviors described -- i.e., explosive anger that can be triggered in seconds, inability to trust, verbal abuse, vindictive sulking, and rapid flips between loving you and hating you -- are some of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

I caution that every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all nine of the BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is healthy. This is why BPD is said to be a "spectrum disorder," which means we all have the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is NOT whether your H exhibits all nine of these traits. Of course he does. We all do.

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits most of those traits at a strong and persistent level. I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that you are capable of spotting any and all warning signs that are present if you take time to learn what symptoms to look for. 

Of course, you will not be capable of determining whether your H satisfies 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having the full-blown disorder. Only professionals can make that determination. There is a world of difference, however, between diagnosing a disorder and simply spotting the red flags.


> The first couple of months were pretty good ... after about three/four month I started to notice his anger and trust issues.


If your H does have strong BPD traits, it is to be expected that you would get a honeymoon period in which all of his traits are suspended. This occurs because the traits usually arise from two fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- both of which are held at bay by his infatuation over you. 

That infatuation convinces him that you pose no threat to his fears because you are viewed to be the perfect woman, his "soul mate." Yet, as soon as the infatuation evaporates (typically, after 3 to 6 months), the fears return in full force.


> I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells.


That's exactly how you should be feeling if you've been living with a BPDer for 7 years. Continuing to do so, however, is unhealthy for him as well as for you. This is why the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to the abused spouses) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> He seems to treat work mates and friends differently. Everyone else thinks he's such a sweet loving guy. Which he can be at times.


It is common, with a BPDer, for him to be caring and generous all day long with complete strangers and casual friends -- and then go home at night to abuse the very people who love him. This occurs because, whereas the loved ones pose a threat, none of the strangers, business associates, or casual friends do so. With them, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy that can cause engulfment.


> When he snaps it usually happens so quickly, I have no warning that its coming.


If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), you don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. He likely has been carrying an enormous amount of anger, hurt, and shame deep inside since early childhood. Hence, all you have to do is say or do some minor thing that TRIGGERS the anger that is already there.


> He also has a very very bad memory and frequently becomes extremely angry with me blaming me or accusing me about things that we already discussed/ sorted last month/year etc.


BPDers are notorious for "rewriting history" in their minds. One reason is that they tend to frequently escape reality through "dissociation," a mild form of which is evident in the form of day dreams. This is why one of the first things a BPDer will be taught in therapy is how to remain "mindful," i.e., aware of what is going on at the moment instead of escaping into deep thoughts.

Another reason is that BPDers are filled with so much shame and self loathing that it is extremely painful for them to consciously recognize they have made a mistake or have a flaw. Their subconscious minds therefore protect them from seeing too much of reality by "projecting" hurtful feelings and thoughts onto their spouses. Because projection works entirely at the subconscious level, it allows the BPDer to be firmly convinced that his new version of "reality" -- i.e., the projection itself -- is true. 

In that way, his subconscious converts intense feelings into "facts," i.e., what he perceives to be facts. Not surprisingly, when his intense feelings change a week later, his "facts" will dramatically change too. This is why BPD is often described as constituting "thought distortions." 

What is distorted, however, is NOT his perception of physical reality. BPDers see physical reality just fine. Rather, what is distorted is his perception of other peoples' intentions and motivations. Those perceptions are distorted by his two fears.


> I'm really looking to talk to anyone else with the same experiences or knowledge in this area.


Michelle, if you would like to read about some of my experiences with my BPDer exW, I suggest you read my description of them in Maybe's thread at My list of hell!. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it. Moreover, it contains links to some good online resources on this issue. Take care, Michelle.


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## Michelle007 (Apr 26, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm going to look into some of your suggestions. 

Anon Pink- yes you are right leaving the room is a much better idea. No I do not intend to bring children into this type of environment. 

Thank you Fleur de Cactus, I have looked into narcissm and I don't think it's that. Yes he does go very silent but that's because he wants to be left alone. He doesn't do the other things though. 

Uptown I'm going to read the book you gave suggested, I think it's 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'. He is sounding very BPD to me but hopefully the book will help me to work it out more.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Michelle, while you're waiting for the book, you may want to check out two excellent online resources. One is Kathy Batesel's "Tips for Surviving BPD" at Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. The other is the list of articles at BPDfamily's resource page at T1 How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He sounds like he has BPD/narcissistic PD.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

A wife said her husband had a horrible temper and in his rage broke a number of things. The counselor asked "does he break any of his own stuff." The wife thought a while a said no. Obviously he knows what he is doing. Choices 

1. Leave, he is unstable, overbearing and manipulative. 

2. Suggest counseling and working things out together. 

3. Next time he gets angry, scream louder and get madder than him. Make a point of letting him know you don't get pushed around and yell and scream louder than he is. Perhaps check with a friend in case you need help if it gets violent. 

4. Don't try this (which is what you have been doing). I constantly feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Reward his behavior and let him know he can get made without consequences. Indeed they are positive because you will try to avoid conflict, so he doesn't get made.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Wow. I would be telling him that if he doesn't get into some serious heavy duty therapy, buh bye!!


:iagree:


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