# "I need time / space"



## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Short story. Thot we were ok until young guys came around. I was busy= less attention from me. She had an affair. She admitted and we tried for a week. Had sex first day. None since. 

Been 2.5 weeks? I think. 

She says I'm smothering her with affection and she needs time apart. 

Is there any success stories of getting back together after this "time apart?" And whats the ratio of this meaning someone else... again? 

The OM she admitted to sleeping with twice, is gone. It's over. But after trying for a week, she decided she needed time. Since then Divorce has been brought up and she asked, then she's back to asking for time / space. What should I think / do?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

I need time space = I need to time to see other men while you move out. 

OM moving away is irrelevant. There can easily be other OMs or she wants to go hounding out for some. 

DO NOT give her space. Tell her if she wants space so badly she needs to go lease an apartment with her own money, while you on the other hand are actually trying to save the marriage. 

secondly, go 180. The worse thing to do after someone has an affair is to give them boundless affection. You may think it helps, IT DOESN'T. It pushes them away and makes them have less respect for a man who would be walked all over so readily.

It sounds like you rugswept the affair. She needs to own up to it, and she should be the one begging and pleading to you with affection, not the other way around. If you keep this up she won't realize the gravity of what she did, and another affair will happen.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

From my experience and many stories on here it's just an excuse! It's probably not over between them. She needs more time with 
the OM and keep you away from her business. My advice is to snoop around at this time. Install a keylogger, var in her car, use a pi if you can. 
And most but not least you need to expose the **** out of her affair. It's the biggest help you'll get- exposing her affair will kill any fantasy and secrecy they have left. 
Honestly your already dealing with shame and embarrassment as is, so the extra exposure will not hurt too much more. She'll hate you for that but it will kill her affair and 
Help get rid of the fog! 
Sorry you are here but stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

snoop time, check cell records. You may find that she is back in contact with the OM. I hope I'm wrong here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

So when a woman asks for time / space we shouldn't give it? Let them leave? See, when I left for 2 days, I came back and plan was to have her go to her brother's place. When i came back and told her she needed to go ahead and go, she said "No, my name is on this lease and I need to protect it." 

When this came up, she just said "I don't care if you go to the room or your mother's, Jeremy's or where ever, You're just smothering me"


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Give her all the time she ask's for. Maybe when she gets tired of fawking around she might come back to you.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> When this came up, she just said "I don't care if you go to the room or your mother's, Jeremy's or where ever, You're just smothering me"


Kick.Her.Out. She cant get all the time&space she likes. The nerve. Pack her stuff and send her to ILs with your better wishes.

Then start implementing the 180.
The 180 degree rules
No More Mr Nice Guy

Friend, did you already talk to a lawyer?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> So when a woman asks for time / space we shouldn't give it? Let them leave? See, when I left for 2 days, I came back and plan was to have her go to her brother's place. When i came back and told her she needed to go ahead and go, she said "No, my name is on this lease and I need to protect it."
> 
> When this came up, she just said "I don't care if you go to the room or your mother's, Jeremy's or where ever, You're just smothering me"


See she doesn't 'want' space. If thats what she truly wanted she'd just up and leave. What she REALLY wants you out of the house. Then she can more easily conduct her affair/adulterous actions. 

So she has no problem with you leaving, but when its about her its not an option?

Kick her out. Put her sh!t on the lawn and tell her to come back when she knocks off that bad attitude, cause she clearly doesn't respect you right now. And without respect, you can't have much of anything in a relationship except for things like abuse. 

Women aren't attracted to weakness in the first place. 

You actually have her talking down to you after SHE had an affair?

You need to look between your legs, locate your balls, and make use of them.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

It's not done and it's not over don't BELIVE her bs. She wants to cake eat. Your her back up plan now. If all fails with the om she can always come back to her 
loving husband. Don't let yourself be number 2. Exposé her affair ASAP. Start to snoop and gather evidence. Hit her hard with all the information you've gathered. Implement the 180 as someone gave you a link already. Don't leave the house- she cheated let her leave. Stay head strong your battling your wife's addiction right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

*"needs time apart."*

Equates to I am checking my option before settling for Plan B(YOU)


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

:slap:


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## caseyjohnso (Oct 24, 2012)

She needs to own up to it, and she should be the one begging


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> :slap:


:iagree::banghead::banghead:


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> So when a woman asks for time / space we shouldn't give it? Let them leave? See, when I left for 2 days, I came back and plan was to have her go to her brother's place. When i came back and told her she needed to go ahead and go, she said "No, my name is on this lease and I need to protect it."
> 
> When this came up, she just said "I don't care if you go to the room or your mother's, Jeremy's or where ever, You're just smothering me"


A woman says that when she wants to try out another man and she if he can replace you. Almost 100% of the time. File D. You have to take away you as plan B. You took her back way too easy so this is a no loose situation for her. You will always take her back so why not try.

Do the 180 and take care of yourself. Start to move on. Deal from strenght not weakenss.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's still cheating and just wants you away so she can do it without sneaking around.

She's lying about being done with OM. She doesn't want to work things out.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Well lets just assume she ISN'T doing anything with anyone else. 

IS IT POSSIBLE that she's just trying to see if she'll miss me? 

I've been checking up on her, and she's really been not doing much. Staying at home, doing her cakes and MAYBE going to see her friend scarlett at McDonalds (her work). With the exception of them drinking last night. 

What then?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> IS IT POSSIBLE that she's just trying to see if she'll miss me?


No.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Well lets just assume she ISN'T doing anything with anyone else.
> 
> IS IT POSSIBLE that she's just trying to see if she'll miss me?
> 
> ...


No its not. That excuse is crap. Plus if that was true, once again, SHE COULD LEAVE. 

I can tell from your post you desperately want to believe this, but its not. If she really wanted space she'd ask for a separation. She just wants you out of the house. 

Also you don't know how affairs work. Continuing an affair is piteously easy. Do you think she needs some 3-6 hour span of free time to continue an affair? Staying at home means nothing, she can still message OMs from a hidden email account. Out with her friends? 3 minute quickie/blowjob with OM in a parking lot or can drive over to a hotel and be out within half an hour before or after she meets up with her friend.

She cheated on you and you actually allowed her to go out drinking with her friend? To have a girls night out unsupervised by yourself? 

:slap: Jesus christ, you really need to man up. 

This passiveness and beta male attitude is only making her lose respect and any attraction for you, fast. 

She is being callous and not showing respect for you or the marriage. 

You need to stop being so afraid of her and stand up for yourself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't want to hurt your feelings so the "i need space/time" is just a buffer from one side to the other (breakup).


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The game she slaying is, keeping you strung alone paying the bills for as long as possible until you grow a spine and cut her off.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

that is what happens when you forgive betrayal so easily...She just found out how easy it is to get back into the marriage..So she is going to explore options a little longer.

Why did you take her back?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> Well lets just assume she ISN'T doing anything with anyone else.
> 
> IS IT POSSIBLE that she's just trying to see if she'll miss me?
> 
> ...


You sure her friend is not playing the cupid ?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

It's been about four months since I saw a post by BryanP. More often than not he would give the same advice to just about every betrayed spouse. Took some digging but I found one that succinctly stated what I want to say to you DeWayne:



bryanp said:


> How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? If the roles were reversed she wouldn't be putting up with this so why are you? She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Enough is enough!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dewayne76 said:


> So when a woman asks for time / space we shouldn't give it? Let them leave? See, when I left for 2 days, I came back and plan was to have her go to her brother's place. When i came back and told her she needed to go ahead and go, she said "No, my name is on this lease and I need to protect it."
> 
> When this came up, she just said "I don't care if you go to the room or your mother's, Jeremy's or where ever, You're just smothering me"


 There are several possibilities here. One, you are abusive or mean and she NEEDS to be away from you.

Two, she's selfish and has been using you and you should walk away.

Three, you two are NOT communicating and need to STOP doing what you've always been doing since childhood and find new ways to deal with stuff.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dude,

Why did she have an affair, at the first place?

What did you do about it?

What did she do about it?

Now she wants space and time?

Are you serious?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I have been mean, a little and neglectful. Like I'd call her retarded and stuff, or say she had stupid ideas. But I loved her. NEver hit her, never cheated on her. I neglected her during the build time of the haunted house, ... unfortunately while the teens were there. 

I know she's clouded and confused and liking the attention from the other guys. There's nothing I can do I guess. 

I'm going to tell her today, when she comes to pick up the kid. That we need to go see her dr. together and tell them what's happened since she got on medicine. And also going to tell her how I feel (trying 180 strong here) and that if she wants separation / divorce so bad, SHE can leave. 

I guess we'll just see how today goes. My mom told me last night that 2 weeks ago, when my wife told her she messed around (again), that last time (years and years ago) that she felt so horrible, but this time, she doesn't.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Why do you expect her to change when you are so willing to take her back? Why should she?

Had there been a tough love approach the first time, you wouldn't have been in this position.

You know parents who spoil their kids by over indulging them. You are spoiling and not letting your wife grow by letting her face no consequences for her actions


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I have been mean, a little and neglectful. Like I'd call her retarded and stuff, or say she had stupid ideas.


I can see how she lost respect for you and a woman never loves a man she doesn't respect. You were acting as childish as she's acting now. 
You were probably a turn off for her.

Yet, this doesn't justify her affair.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I have been mean, a little and neglectful. Like I'd call her retarded and stuff, or say she had stupid ideas. But I loved her. NEver hit her, never cheated on her. I neglected her during the build time of the haunted house, ... unfortunately while the teens were there.
> 
> I know she's clouded and confused and liking the attention from the other guys. There's nothing I can do I guess.
> 
> ...


No, you're giving her the power her. All shes gonna do is stall you out, saying she needs more time, is confused, etc all bullsh!t. 

Take the power from her. Not asking her what she wants, TELLING either she gets her ass back in the marriage to work on things or she can expect to see divorce papers within a week or two. No stalling allowed. You don't get an answer in 2 days or so, file and show her the paper work. 

You could've shut this crap down if you took a hard stance earlier. Now you gotta go through even more crap to get her head cleared of fog. 

You need to have her respect you before you can even get reconciliation on the table. 

Let this be a lesson.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

No amount of name calling justifies an affair. If she had a problem with it as and adult she should have stood up for herself and told you to cut it out or it's over.

She sounds like she's done though. And my theory on a woman who's done is...she's done. You can't change her mind, the feeling doesn't come back. She may lie to you, herself and everybody else in saying it's back but deep down it isn't. From the very little I know about women you don't get second chances with their love.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> My mom told me last night that 2 weeks ago, when my wife told her she messed around (again), that last time (years and years ago) that she felt so horrible, but this time, she doesn't.


So this is the second time she has had an affair? How did I miss that. She is now a serial cheater and those rarely change back into a loving wife.

No guilt = no remorse = no respect = no love = marriage is over.

Time to start the divorce.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> So this is the second time she has had an affair? How did I miss that. She is now a serial cheater and those rarely change back into a loving wife.
> 
> No guilt = no remorse = no respect = no love = marriage is over.
> 
> Time to start the divorce.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

DeWayne, like TDSC60 says, your marriage is over - and probably been over for her a long time ago. Take time to work on yourself so that you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

... 

I don't want anyone else. I nver have. I don't feel like giving up, but I will try. I don't know why I love her so much. We'v been through so much, thick and thin, we've stuck by each other's side, she's loved me when I was my worst, now... I guess tasting 'new' again has changed it all. 

I'll do what I can. I can't promise anything. 

Dewayne


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

When someone in a marriage wants out, there is no 'giving up'. That implies if you just put in enough effort you can change things, but you can't. You can't make choices from someone else. 

Marriage doesn't work that way


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you monitoring to see if she's contacting anyone?


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Dewayne,

I read your story since the beginning and I gotta tell you I am sick about how you are reacting to this entire thing. 

When does one call it a day and move on? Your wife is a serial cheater and she doesn't have any respect for you man. Why can't you just let her go and move on with your life? 

I am at a loss of words with the way you are handling this situation as this woman as trampled all over your heart so many times and you keep on forgiving or wanting her. Stop having sex with this woman and stop loving her. Cut it off, it is that EASY. 

Find yourself another woman. What is holding you back from leaving other then loving this woman? are you not attractive, are you obese are you insecure, are you not charming are you not smart? What is it that you can't make a fricken decision and looking out for number one, which is YOU??

I want you to know life doesn't end here man. Enjoy the single life for a while, go to vegas, go to clubs, continue your business, go to strip clubs, get friends and enjoy your life. This is NO way to live ones life, wow, LIFE iS to SHORT!!!!


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Samus said:


> I am at a loss of words with the way you are handling this situation as this woman as trampled all over your heart so many times and you keep on forgiving or wanting her. Stop having sex with this woman and stop loving her. *Cut it off, it is that EASY.
> *


Samus, I agree with most of what you said but there's nothing easy about stopping loving someone that you gave your heart and soul to. If it was, none of us would be here.

Dewayne, you have a serious case of oneitis. There are beaucoup women out there just waiting to have their way with you. Take some time and grieve the loss of your marriage and move on.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So---

Wife has affair #1 - DeWayne takes her back - no consequences for her cheating.

Now, Wife has affair #2 - DeWayne leaning toward taking her back again - no consequences for her cheating.

So DeWayne, what is going to happen after affair #3? Because it is coming one day.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Dewayne76 said:


> ...
> 
> I don't want anyone else. I nver have. I don't feel like giving up, but I will try. I don't know why I love her so much. We'v been through so much, thick and thin, we've stuck by each other's side, she's loved me when I was my worst, now... I guess tasting 'new' again has changed it all.
> 
> ...


Don't confuse co-dependency with love.

You don't have a choice, you have to throw in the towel because nothing else you do is going to work. Trying to fix this will only end in failure.

She has screwed you over twice now and if you continue the M she WILL do it again. She only disrespects you because you allow it.


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## jsmith (Nov 1, 2009)

turnera said:


> There are several possibilities here. One, you are abusive or mean and she NEEDS to be away from you.
> 
> Two, she's selfish and has been using you and you should walk away.
> 
> Three, you two are NOT communicating and need to STOP doing what you've always been doing since childhood and find new ways to deal with stuff.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Random thoughts...

in my experince this is usually pretty simple... She doesn't love you, she is focused on another life likely with someone else. 

She likely tied to you based on financial and dependant situations (kids)... But you probably repulse her at this point. She tolerates you because she hasnt decided what shes going to do (escape plan) and needs a falback plan until the new life she daydreams about everyday and the other man (or men) begin officially. She's done but still wants the spoils.

No easy way to put it chief, she needs space after being caught cheating again... is simple = she wants him and not you but she stuck with you and hates you (her life with you) for it.

I think you would be STUNNED to find out what she has turned you into in other people's eyes. She's been talking a longtime and you are the villian... wouldn't surpise me if everyone hates you and belives this is all your fault.

Sorry man. Put a toe tag on this one.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> My mom told me last night that 2 weeks ago, when my wife told her she messed around (again), that last time (years and years ago) that she felt so horrible, but this time, she doesn't.


 Wow!! If she is able to say this to your mother, it is over. There is nothing left to save. She is a cheater without remorse, and she has so little respect for you and your marraige that she was able to disrespect you to your own mother. No respect and no remorse means no chance at real reconciliation. It takes two to make a marraige work and she has left the building. 

I am sorry that you are here, but do not allow this to be blame shifted to you. No one is perfect, not her and not you, yet that is the standard that cheaters try to hold their spouses to while holding themselves to no standard at all. There is no excuse for and affair. Anyone unhappy in a marriage should try to address it with their spouse or end the marriage.

This marraige is probable over no matter what you do, but the best chance to save this marriage, if that is what you want to do, is for you to move quickly for divorce and mean it. This takes the power away from her and give her a chance to respect you again. Only if she sees the light and begs you for a third chance should you even consider taking her back. If you do take her back, do not make it so easy this time. **** luck and be well.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok. Let me clarify a few things. Now that I've been doing a lot of thinking. 

1. The first time, we were dating. She kicked me out and went and partied. Technically, wasn't a cheat. But she did kick me out 2 nights before starting to go out and do stuff. *edit* Said it later in this post but, she did NOT have anything going prior to kicking me out. I know because we were always together then. 

2. I wasn't the greatest guy. Like, when she'd say dumb things, I'd call her on it and tell her to stop being stupid. Dumb I know. Ignorant of me. 

3. I had a habit of sometimes getting her to show skin to my closest of friends and my brother. My brother had always done this, with his best friend etc, and I thot it was just what men do? I don't know. My wife was insecure for so long and never thought she was pretty. I really thot this was helping her feel good about herself. 

4. I'd asked for anal sex, many times. She'd try, she'd hate it. I'd stop. A year later, I'd ask again, stupidly ask again. My fault. I take blame. 

5. Sometimes I'd be afraid to show public affection for my wife. 

6. I wasn't as supportive as I could've been at moments of her not finding a job in her $40k degree career field. In fact, once or twice I told her she wasn't trying hard enough. I'd NEVER seen her put in app's / resume's, i'd NEVER seen her search online, I only took her word that she was doing so. She never really looked outside of our 2 towns area. 

7. I didn't help around house as much as I should've. 

8. We would go to my parent's / mom's house to visit and sometimes I'd go in with 1 handful of stuff and talk to mom and let her bring in the suitcases etc. Not on purpose, I just didn't think about it. I'm a jerk. 


Um.. that's all I got right now. NO! I'm not saying this excuses ANYTHING! But... I pushed her. I got caught up. I'm hurt more over knowing how I had been. I've never seen this on myself before. I never thought I'd be one of them guys that done things like this, I just never "thought" about what I was doing. NO ONE would tell me either tho! No, I shouldn't have done ANY OF THIS SH.T... but had she woman'ed up and told me, I'd been more apt to doing something about it. 

This didn't happen to the nicest husband. But I wasn't a monster either. 

I could've done better. I CAN and WILL do better, whether it's with my wife, or my next girlfriend. No, I'm not that great looking. I AM insecure, / nervous about trying to meet new women. The wife probably is the best I can do, mainly because I think so much of her. 

So if you want to look at technicalities, this is the first time cheating on me. She and I had always looked at the last time as a cheat, but to be fair, she did kick me out, told me she didn't love me and went to do things. She DID not have anything going prior. I KNOW because she was ALWAYS with me. 

I probably am co-dependant. When my first fiance and I split, I was devastated for years. Of course, I truly loved her too. I had actually got on a few date sites, just to see how it feels. Prior? I'd probably be somewhat interested in a lot of girls there, but now? All I see is my wife. Its almost like I want to make things up. Sure I want to love my wife as well, but I want to make up the years of not putting her first. 

I'm starting to feel better. Yeah, I'm a wimp when it comes to this. Keep kicking me tho, I need it. EVERYONE's kicked since I hit bottom, but that's ok. That's what some people need to do a good change. I'm not making excuses, I'm trying to be fair in telling you guys I KNOW that I could've been better.

Thank you guys for the input. I wanted to be fair and post the things I see and know my bad on now. I am going to finish this week out as separated. Then we'll go back and see what happens. If we can't make progress, I'll take $750 from the haunt's take in and try to start it. Maybe that's what she wants anyways, for me to do it.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

^ You just don't get it?

All that stuff doesn't matter too much in the scheme of things. 

She may have been PUSHED to talk about her issues, or PUSHED to file for separation, but NOTHING pushed her into the arms of another man. You need to get on board with this.

But if you want to excuse her affair because you metaphorically burnt her toast on accident, go right ahead. You say you're not making excuses but thats exactly what you're doing.

Your minimizing the affair, and because of this, there will most definitely be a third affair.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

... yeah. Maybe I am. 


I'm working on things.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Theres no maybe, you are. You tie hands with these half admissions. "Maybe, possibly, could be, etc." Its indecisive, and its also unattractive. You need to start making decisions, stop fence sitting to see how things turn out. Cause if you think shes gonna wake up one day and magically realize the error of her ways, you're sadly mistaken. 

^ Theres nothing wrong with making changes, but you NEED to hold her accountable or it will happen again. 

So far shes had two affairs. So far you've done nothing in consequence.

So why SHOULDN'T she have another affair? What incentive is there for her to not have an affair? Its not like you're gonna do anything about it. 

If I walked into a bank, emptied out the vault and left, and no one stopped me or arrested me, would I have any reason to not do it again? Hell no! I'd definitely be in that bank a second and a third time making withdrawals.

This is how your wife sees it. You're never gonna leave her or man up, so some dude on the side is no big deal. 

Unless she is held accountable and realizes the gravity of what it is shes done, shes only going to repeat it, again, and again, until she gets tired of having to sneak around and flat out leaves you for an OM.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Kasler said:


> ^ You just don't get it?
> 
> All that stuff doesn't matter too much in the scheme of things.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

@the OP: The list of excuses are just that excuses. There is nothing major in any of it. Even if you do not include the cheating, you could put a similar list together concerning your wife. So could most anyone that is married. We as humans are not perfect so do not try to use perfection as the standard. Your list is nothing but excuse making and blame shifting. Stop this right now as it will not get you anywhere that you want to go.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So basically you Love Busted her to the point where she no longer cares about you. Then she found someone who wouldn't LB her and who met her needs.

What is your optimal ending? What do you want?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Okie. Enough kicking me around lol. 

I got it 

Love you guys. Thanks for being honest. I DO feel she is a little different, if you knew her, you'd probably say the same. But, I know what you can say after me saying that, but yeah, I know. It's NOT making the situation different. 

I agree. She should be accountable for her actions. I'll see what I can muster up of my child/manlihood and go from there. I'll keep you updated.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ultimate ending? 


Of course, I'd LOVE to slap her around a bit (metaphorically of course)... throw some Divorce papers at her and make her realize what she's done, make her feel the severity of things and then try to fix them. However, I don't want to push her to the point of no return. I DO REALIZE that, that's not the best plan, but I do love her. Sincerely, truly love her. She's not always like this. We're very loving, had I been smart and kept the fire lit? I'd probably not be on this forum. STILL no excuse. 


But, when I look at it, I think she may have a mental issue. I love her. I truly do. If we were older, and she had alzheimers and in a "home"... I'd see her every day for breakfast / lunch. Play checkers with her and listen to her life on how she remembers it for the moment. I'd put up with her calling me her son, I'd smile every time she gets my name wrong. 

I realize what I need to do. I'm just worried it'll push her to the point of no return. Of course, I'd love to get things fixed, so I can be the man she needs me to be. Not only for her, but for me as well! And for me FIRST! if you truly knew my wife, I think you'd understand better. 

I truly feel, that if I knew 100% that she didn't have an issue with ... well "mental" issue, I'd probably have taken ya'lls advice a lot sooner and dumped it into the trash.... but since I love her, I feel that I need to love her through her trialing times. Make sense? 

I do really feel that I'd served papers by now, had it been anyone else.

*Maybe that's my problem all along? Feeling she needs help... real help. Even my family and friends say she hasn't been the same since gtting on Celexa? Anti-Depressant that the "cheap O" doctors gave her because of stress of the haunt. She changed, people noticed she changed, prior to our blow up and all this happened"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, it makes no sense. Are you staying or divorcing? Are you making her go to IC or not? What do you want?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Stop blaming yourself for the affair. Get that through your head. She had an affair because she CHOSE to! Nothing you could've done made her have one.lies 

When a marriage is bad, 50% of the blame lies with each partner. 

If she had problems, its her duty to communicate them and yours to receive them. The fact that this didn't happen lies that blame on each of you. 

For her affair, she is 100% RESPONSIBLE for it. She could've looked for counseling, filed separation, moved out, etc but she DID NOT. Instead she chose to have an extramarital affair and that is completely her responsibility for the action she chose. 

Stop this beta male self pity and self blame and handle this.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I DO feel she is a little different, if you knew her, you'd probably say the same.


I've read hundreds of stories on this forum about cheating spouses and your wife is NOT different. Trust me - she's not unique.

EDIT: Dewayne, the way you are acting with respect to your wife reminds of those parents whose kids are troublemakers - and everyone knows that they're troublemakers - but the parents.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Wow. 

You say you don't want to do anything, because you feel that might push her away. ***MUPPET NEWS FLASH*** She is already gone dude! The ship has sailed! She'll stay within sight of the shore, cause swimming is hard if her boat sinks on it's own, and you'll be ready and willing to take her back, no questions asked, but she is single in her mind.

Cut her loose, let her go. Then, maybe, she'll want to come back. But for how long? What would be the point? You need to get some self respect I think.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Wow.
> 
> You say you don't want to do anything, because you feel that might push her away. ***MUPPET NEWS FLASH*** She is already gone dude! The ship has sailed! She'll stay within sight of the shore, cause swimming is hard if her boat sinks on it's own, and you'll be ready and willing to take her back, no questions asked, but she is single in her mind.
> 
> Cut her loose, let her go. Then, maybe, she'll want to come back. But for how long? What would be the point? You need to get some self respect I think.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Dewayne, remember this: 'First the thought and then the act, and that's a fact.'

In her mind, she has already left the marriage. Her body might still be there but her spirit left a long time ago.

The way you're acting right now is very unattractive - even to strangers in cyberspace.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I know that this is hard, and alot of this you do not want to hear but, she has moved on in her mind........you are her BETA........and she is looking for the thrill of another ALPHA MALE..........she is over you! I was just like you so I know your pain. I have been reading TAM for about a year and they have helped me clear the fog of loving your wife too much and see her for who she is and WHO I WAS! On the plus side thou, YOU GET TO START A NEW AND WONDERFUL LIFE!Have you seen the movie "Wanted" with Angelina Jolie? Its kind of like that with less gun play,Your life is going no were, choose your destiny, Man up, kick the McDanalds Bitck to the curb, and enjoy the short life you have to the fullest!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you want a different response from your wife, try a different approach. Be proactive and do something that will make her understand how serious you are. That might snap her out of the so called fog. Even if it doesn't, it will provide a way for you to move forward with your life.

Good luck
WD


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

I wouldn't really worry about your actions being attractive or unattractive to your wife. Quite frankly it doesn't matter especially at this point. You should not be trying to win your wife over.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> Short story. Thot we were ok until young guys came around. I was busy= less attention from me. She had an affair. She admitted and we tried for a week. Had sex first day. None since.
> 
> Been 2.5 weeks? I think.
> 
> ...


Give her the rest of her life to think and have space.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

D76, nothing you did caused her to sneak out at 3am to go get gangbanged. Now that the dust has settled, she want to find a new boytoy who won't set her up.

Did you fire the dudes ??? You said he's gone, but did you fire him ??
Look, let me give you a clue. 
Ppl fall out of love. So thank her for your daughter and let her go.
All you are doing is making her resent and hate you man.
That weakness is what's killing the lil feelings she has left for you.

You need to go file and hand her the papers, so she can see you have finally accepted life without her.
Your clinging disgust her dude. I went thru this in high school man. 
Well we are grown men now, and nothing is moe unattractive to a woman than a weak man. And you can take that to the bank.

Now go back and read your other threads, and see if she has changed ,,,,,, NOPE !!!!!


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## Loveandpizza (Sep 8, 2012)

She is fishing. She doesn't want to leave you (plan b) until she has another sucker lined up.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

If you find yourself unattractive and overweight, I think you edited that out of your post, then perhaps you need to start doing something for yourself and make yourself better. You need to work on your self esteem issues cause you have major problems in that department. Go to the gym and start getting into shape.

If you really want your wife back, become more attractive, understanding, but stop being so fvcking MOPEY. Grow a pair and change, it will help you win her back, but honestly I wouldn't want her back if I were you.

I don't think you are going to serve her with D papers, it is more then likely she serves you with it. Your a sad excuse for a man (I am trying to be really blunt and straight forward here). You need to get out of this fog that you think your wife loves you and she will want you back. If you want to move on, do what I suggested with weight loss, muscle building, sexify yourself and get any woman you want. Stop being a SAP.

I know your hurting and I know this is the reason your lack of motivation is displaced. But you need to buck the fvck up and start handling yourself and those self esteem issues. A WOMAN SHOULD NOT CONTROL YOUR LIFE, WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU. You should share the control together, she has 100% control of your life right now and you are letting her man. Please please, think of your manhood, yourself, your humanity, is this right to be treated less then animals? You wife is treating you like total crap and you are standing for it and professing your fxcking love?? Seriously, I just threw up. 

We are trying to help you as we see here your marriage is at the point of no return (you watch phantom of the opera) listen to the song point of no return LOL....

I am really rooting for you to change your ways man. Do IT!!!


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

I went from 258 lbs to 224. I've lost weight. I have a terrible back and broken hand from an altercation a while back. I'm still going to work out and get my fkin treadmill from my.... well.. the old place. 

My wife said to come back after we finish this week, but I got a surprise for her. I woke up to a new day today. I feel.... well completely different. I feel like I can take anything,... dish it out? Not sure, but I'm gonna try. 

I took responsibilty and paid the truck payment instead of going to the lawyer. But depending on how I feel once I get back, after this weekend's haunt, I'm gonna go and talk to the big lawyer I spoke with before. My wife is coming out of the fog, but I feel it's possible, it may be too late. I love her, I will always love her. I will always cherish her, but I deserve better. She even admitted it. SO! On with my life. 

Time for me to take charge of my life again. I told my wife yesterday at lunch: " You said you didn't want to be with a wussy either, at the end of your statement last week. I'm not a p.ssy and you know better. However, you're the only one that can bring me to my knees" 

She is. She's the only one that can bring me to my knees, and she has. BUt enough's enough. I feel like going home, today or tomorrow perhaps and telling her she can f.king keep lying to herself and everyone else around her, but I'm not listening anymore. Depending on how it goes this weekend (how I feel) I'll probably end up going back to jonesboro to see the lawyer Monday. After that, it's job searching time, depending on where I stay, it may even be out of town.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> I went from 258 lbs to 224. I've lost weight. I have a terrible back and broken hand from an altercation a while back. I'm still going to work out and get my fkin treadmill from my.... well.. the old place.
> 
> My wife said to come back after we finish this week, but I got a surprise for her. I woke up to a new day today. I feel.... well completely different. I feel like I can take anything,... dish it out? Not sure, but I'm gonna try.
> 
> ...


My Man!! About fcvking time. I am glad you are trying to take control of your life my friend. I commend you, its a hard road, but stick to it and you will be better off. Your wife will notice, believe me and she will want you back because now you are going to be Rico Suave, a Man that doesn't depend on his lady. Don't chicken out, don't back down, keep moving forward and trample over her if you must. Ignorance is Bliss in this situtation. 

Keep us posted, your doing the right thing, this woman will never change no matter. She will cheat on you again and again. She doesn't even have remorse. 

:smthumbup:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

One thing that definitely does not work and that is you reacting or failing to act from fear of what she might do. Re "I don't want to push her to do XXXX". This never works.

It is old and corny but still true "If you love her, set her free". She is going to do what she wants anyway. She justifies her actions by blaming it on you. This is not true.

Stop living in fear.

Live for yourself and not her.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> ...
> 
> I don't want anyone else. I nver have. I don't feel like giving up, but I will try. I don't know why I love her so much. We'v been through so much, thick and thin, we've stuck by each other's side, she's loved me when I was my worst, now... I guess tasting 'new' again has changed it all.
> 
> ...


This is not the woman you were looking for.

I know you do not want to let go. But she has proved not worthy of your devotion. There are indeed other women out there more worthy of your love. They are worth seeking out. Perhpas from that number you will find the woman you are looking for. And she you.

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dewayne76 said:


> Ok. Let me clarify a few things. Now that I've been doing a lot of thinking.
> 
> 1. The first time, we were dating. She kicked me out and went and partied. Technically, wasn't a cheat. But she did kick me out 2 nights before starting to go out and do stuff. *edit* Said it later in this post but, she did NOT have anything going prior to kicking me out. I know because we were always together then.
> 
> ...


No excuse for her to spread her legs for multiple other men sir. Stick a fork in it. It's done.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

She lied about making the appointment to the doctor. 

I got to the house today and she was packing. She's going to her brother's to stay. Asked for a Divorce,, said she didn't want me anymore. Said she only missed me one time. 

I told her that's fine. If she tries to run with Jordan there'll be hell to pay. Sure, I got upset again, but my wife isn't the same person. She's turned into a b.tch of a person, a bad mother and a terrible wife. She IS NOT what I need. I know this. 

She said she had remorse, but didn't feel as bad as she thought she should. 

I'm devastated on how fast a f.kin life can turn around on you. I seriously, do not want to live at this point. My daughter is THE ONLY thing right now keeping me sane, and alive. How can someone change so dramatically?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> She lied about making the appointment to the doctor.
> 
> I got to the house today and she was packing. She's going to her brother's to stay. Asked for a Divorce,, said she didn't want me anymore. Said she only missed me one time.
> 
> ...


She didn't change dramatically. Shes been disconnecting from you for some time emotionally. So for her this has been a long time coming, but for you it feels like everything was different just yesterday. 

She had no real remorse, just a bit of guilt.

This is gonna hurt, but you need to be there for your daughter through this, and whatever happens don't have her stuck between you two as thats hell on earth for any child.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

That's the thing tho Kasler... seriously.. 3 months ago she came to me on the bed.. I didn't ask her.. and she said "I love you so much, I'm so happy... you better not ever leave me cus I don't know what I'd do w/o you"

Things like this was said all the time. We held hands all the time at the movies, getting groceries etc. Held each other at night all the time. it was great.... UNTIL the boys showed up....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Women are raised to be good and nice. Once that floodgate opens and she 'tries on' snubbing her nose at all the people she tried to please by staying nice...once she got to taste being SELFISH, she decided she didn't want to go back. It's a powerful drug.

Remind me: Have you told her family she's been cheating on you?


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

no.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

They need to know.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

my IC said NOT to if I wasn't sure if I'd like a future chance at fixing my family. . .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your IC doesn't know anything about affairs. 

Your wife is leaving you, right? 

The only way she'd ever look at you as worthwhile again is if you showed you had some cajones and FOUGHT the cheating by being outraged and outing the outrageous behavior.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hiding your wife's disgusting behavior will only end up biting you in the butt.

Your therapist is wrong on this, imo, sorry. Her family needs to know WHY she's leaving. it's not YOUR fault. It's all HER. And her family needs to know that before they start believing her LIES as to why she's leaving.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Dewayne,

This is what you need man. You need her to leave, she has been draining your life and treating you with no respect. I am glad she made the decision for you.

Now you need to make the decision on letting her family know. Your daughter is your priority now. This is great news, she needs to go, she has only been using you and playing games with you. She doesn't love you, she said those things to keep you in check and at bay while she did what she wanted on the side.

NO woman is this important, get over her and move on. Start doing something to keep your mind off of this and make sure you get a lawyer quickly.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

^^^This.

And get a new IC. Also, request a refund because that idiot has no idea what he/she is talking about.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

It wasn't like he said "NO do not do it w/e you do"

It was like... "In your situation, if you want any chance to R, then don't. If you do, you'll more than likely push her to the point of no return"

He asked if I loved her... I said "Truly" 

Guys, our marriage was doing ok. SUre, we needed work but we were going out all the time, celebrating the smallest things sometimes, having tons of fun. Sex had started getting exciting again... it was going good. She's using EVERY LITTLE BAD THING as an excuse... just like he said she would. No, I didn't put her #1 all the time, etc. Talked down to her a lot... but we loved each other. 

We're not talking about a marriage that we argued all the time, or was constantly pushing each other's buttons... it really was doing ok. Just like any marriage tho, we needed some work. We really didn't have a problem until the teens came around. Not a serious problem. I can tell. 

He (*IC) said he thinks it's a combination of the medicine, and the thrill of having younger guys around giving her attention that's put her into this state... and he said it's common. We just have to wait out the storm. 

I don't want to give up on her if she's having problems beyond her control. However, I am telling myself every day that I wake up with my JoJo... I have to live my life for her now. 

I am living my life for my kid. I'm taking care of her and making her as happy as I can. My wife? Hasn't called / texted/ msged not one time to see how she's dong! SOMETHING is wrong with her... 

I love my kid, I love myself now... so I move on, the best I can and we'll just see what happens. I've already got Christmas planned out. I'll be here with my momma and have JoJo here and we're going to have a TERRIFIC christmas together!


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Nothing is wrong with your wife. 

Look man, I'm not trying to kick knowledge or nothing, but you gotta wake up. 

Recent prior actions of the marriage before DDay mean nothing.

Waywards will detach, and show you a false side of them while they continue their affair. 

"She said she loved me just this week!" 

Means nothing man, nothing. 

My ex fiancee would sweet talk me so much, and in the same day would laugh at my insecurities with OM through text msgs. I remember one week I was under extreme work stress and had temporary Premature E, she was telling him all about it. Heres one message I still partially remember due to how much of a rage it drew me in. 

-paraphrased-

"Oh my god, I could not believe he blew so quickly, and then hes just heaving on top of me saying sorry like I'm supposed to care or something. Weak. So are you free in an hour or so? I want to get the full experience. " 

And she was telling me it was alright and she understands the pressure from work. 


Waywards easily do this, female waywards even moreso. 

You're IC is wrong. 

If you even want R on the table, shes gonna have to know you're prepared to walk, truly. 

Cause she doesn't respect you, and she has no cause to respect you

No respect = No love = No relationship = False R/repeat affair(Which has already happened to you, and is happening right now) 

Expose. Right now, shes in wonderland. You expose and sh!t gets real quick most of the time. 

She realizes just what shes doing, and that you won't be her backup plan. 

An analogy, shes skydiving with an experiemental new parachute(OM). She believes it will work, but isn't certain. But since she has a back up chute(You) shes much more confident about jumping out with the experimental one.(OM)

If you take away that chute though, the risk get real and she has to really think about just what shes doing before she jumps. 

Giving the ultimatum doesn't burn bridges, only the wayward can do that really. 

Giving the ultimatum forces a choice upon them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Dewayne76 said:


> It wasn't like he said "NO do not do it w/e you do"
> 
> It was like... "In your situation, if you want any chance to R, then don't. If you do, you'll more than likely push her to the point of no return"


We know what he meant. And he is still wrong.

I've been helping people in your exact same situation for more than 10 years. And they all follow a script - the cheater loses respect for the betrayed, and the betrayed gets scared to their boots to do anything to anger the cheater. So the cheater gets a free pass to do whatever the hell they want, further despising the betrayed because the betrayed won't stand up for themselves and FIGHT for the marriage.

Your marriage can survive her anger. It can't survive a third person. Expose the affair and let everyone know you want her back...when she stops cheating.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Kasler said:


> "She said she loved me just this week!"
> 
> Means nothing man, nothing.
> 
> ...


Damn Kas, thats some evil **** right there. How disgusting. I am so glad you were able to move on. Wow, just wow.

You got to wonder how many bad things Dewayne's wife is saying behind his back. Again, I am glad your moving on man. You will be fine, I promise


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Samus said:


> Damn Kas, thats some evil **** right there. How disgusting. I am so glad you were able to move on. Wow, just wow.
> 
> You got to wonder how many bad things Dewayne's wife is saying behind his back. Again, I am glad your moving on man. You will be fine, I promise


I'm more than fine. I've already started a family with a great woman and have a child. 

I had to go through fire, but looking back on it, only thing I regret is not getting back on my feet faster after she robbed me.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Kasler said:


> *"She said she loved me just this week!" *
> 
> Means nothing man, nothing.
> 
> ...


Okay just so you know - my ex sent me texts and cards with "I love you" all over them --I save them so that when she started to claim how unhappy our relationship was by blameshifting and scapegoating me that I would have evidence of what she was telling me.....

I love you means nothing to them - it's kinda like "pass the pepper"


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I love you means nothing to them - it's kinda like "pass the pepper"


:iagree:

They do this to keep you from getting suspicious and to keep you in line. (They also use sex for this same purpose.)


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

turnera said:


> ...
> Your marriage ... can't survive a third person. Expose the affair and let everyone know you want her back...when she stops cheating.


Sorry looks like the sun is setting on your marriage. Tomorrow is a new day - for both you and your daughter. Look forward to THAT and let this day pass into history.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not necessarily.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Tell her family now why you are divorcing or allow them to feed your daughter all the tripe about you that your wife has fed them.

Your daughter will see them in the future. They will tell her that you are why the family broke up.

Tell them. Your therapist is an idiot.

If your wife is the type of person who is enraged by the truth, she is not worth the effort of R.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look on wikipedia at Co-dependent. You will see a picture of yourself.

Fire the IC. Total idiot. Get the book Not Just Friends. by Shirely Glass. It will give you an education on infidelity from a doc who spent her professional career researching it. Your local library will have it. 

Life gets better. Trust me. Been there done that. Met more beautiful women then I could handle! Been with a loving, gorgeous sex maniac for the past 6 months who just keeps getting more amazing by the day. If you want to feel better you can read my story. There are countless wonderful women who want nothing but a guy like you to love. 

If you want ANY chance at recovery, you need to expose the affair. Your wife needs to be kicked out of the fantasy by a heavy dose of reality and consequences. 

And STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sinnister said:


> No amount of name calling justifies an affair. If she had a problem with it as and adult she should have stood up for herself and told you to cut it out or it's over.
> 
> She sounds like she's done though. And my theory on a woman who's done is...she's done. You can't change her mind, the feeling doesn't come back. She may lie to you, herself and everybody else in saying it's back but deep down it isn't. From the very little I know about women you don't get second chances with their love.


That's interesting because I've always heard when a MAN checks out, he's gone. He might take up space at the breakfast table if he gets bacon and bjs, but the love is gone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

JCD said:


> That's interesting because I've always heard when a MAN checks out, he's gone. He might take up space at the breakfast table if he gets bacon and bjs, but the love is gone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 IME, the men are usually all too willing to stay married and keep the OW on the side; women usually want one man or the other.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> He (*IC) said he thinks it's a combination of the medicine, and the thrill of having* younger guys around giving her attention* that's put her into this state... and he said it's common.* We just have to wait out the storm. *
> 
> *I don't want to give up on her if she's having problems *beyond her control. However, I am telling myself every day that I wake up with my JoJo... I have to live my life for her now.
> 
> I am living my life for my kid. I'm taking care of her and making her as happy as I can. My wife? *Hasn't called / texted/ msged not one time to see how she's dong! SOMETHING is wrong with her... *


Yep younger guys THAT'S the problem........wait it out - yeah be plan B or C or D ...

My ex did the same thing - totally changed person - was a big Christmas person - NO WORD on Christmas - even her family are saying how messed up she is...our kids are finally starting to see it....Her Brother-in-law said he other day - I do not even now who this person is. 

Read an interesting quote the other day that aptly applies
it goes something like this.....
When a person harms you, it is not a person making a mistake but the real person revealing themselves to you.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

me thinks someone's not playing with a full deck!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Is there*ever* a time when: "I want some space" or "I need some time" really means "I want some space" or "I need some time?"

Or is it always a cheater's "Yeah! You're my Plan B!"? :scratchhead:


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

turnera said:


> IME, the men are usually all too willing to stay married and keep the OW on the side;* women usually want one man or the other.*


Oh no lol. Women are just as big cake eaters as men if not more. So many wayward wifes try to keep H as financial provider and babysitter while they use their OMs for sex.


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

DeWayne please stay strong and keep doing things for yourself that make you feel good. I bet in a year you really wont love her like you think you will forever...


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