# Need Advise, Im so confused!



## so confused! (Nov 7, 2011)

I first want to say thank you for looking &/or giving me words of wisdom!
We have been married for 5 years. I have been unhappy in my marriage for several years, now I have asked for a separation, in hopes to save our marriage. 
I guess the best way to start is at the beginning, I wanted nothing to do with men. My family does not have a great history with marriage and I also knew that I had medical issues that would put someone in the position of taking care of me some day. During our marriage ceremony we were all smiles and laughter. Everything was fun, even remodeling. My friends, family and his family kept telling me how selfish he was, I just didn’t see it. Maybe I just chose what to believe? 
Shortly after we were married my girlfriend asked me to be in her wedding while I’m telling her I can’t be in the wedding because we can’t afford it; he goes out that night and buys a new gun for 550. 
Two years ago I had surgery, and was in the hospital for 5 nights. The hospital was a 1 ½ hour drive. He visited me once for 2 hours and couldn’t wait to leave to see his friend for lunch. I had to be cared for, so I stayed at my mom’s house for 3 months, which is 20 min. drive; he visited me 2 twice for a couple hours each time.
When we met I was a smoker, he blamed my smoking for treating me like crap, so I quit, but he chewed and if I brought that up it would start a huge fight, so he never even tried to quit(even though I hated it). I did not smoke for 3 years and things never got any better, recently I started again, he tells me that he can’t stand me being in the same room as him and he even hated having sex with me because I stink.
People were telling him commenting on him losing weight; he would tell them that it was because I don’t make his lunch. If I’m working a late, he won’t eat dinner (even if something is in the fridge), he says that he waited for me, but I was so late he just went to bed. 
I asked me for a separation, mainly for two reasons, we both need to work on ourselves and I want to become friends again. I can’t explain why I want to fix our marriage, but it’s what my heart is telling me to do. I just don’t know if it is even fixable. I don’t want to live like this for another 20 years. 
Even today we made plans to have lunch today. I was looking forward to it, got all dressed up, texted him to call me when he woke up at 11. He didn’t call me until 4:30 (he slept in). I was so disappointed, I told him we needed to reschedule. He then told me that it was my fault that I didn’t call him more or go there to wake him up, and if I really wanted, I would have met him. 
I feel so beat down. I would rather work all night then go home. As soon as I walk in the door, I’m miserable. I’ve become a “b” every day. I hate the way I’m feeling about myself. As soon as I’m around him I feel like I do nothing right, and that he blames me for everything, taking no responsibility for his own actions. I’m sure that is not the case but it is how I feel. But when I’m away from him I don’t feel this way.
He does love me, has never hit me, and never cheated on me. He is also dealing with being very depressed too. He just doesn’t recognize it. I’m very worried about him. I still love him very much, and I hate seeing him hurt. 
I’m just confused. I don’t know what to do, what to pray for, or even how to feel. I don’t know if counseling is even going to help.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

After reading your post, I thought about what it could be that was making you feel confused. Reality isn't really all that confusing, at least not for me. From what you're saying, your husband is a self-centered, abusive man. He blames you for many things, yet never steps up to the plate to take responsibility for what he does wrong.

You are right - a separation is a good idea. I don't know if it will help him or not. He may figure out where he went wrong, or he may just remain the way he is. Either way, you will be removed from an atmosphere where you feel put down all the time.


----------

