# She's been gone 7 weeks and I am now starting to feel free - Is this normal?



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

When my wife walked out on me 7 weeks ago - I was crushed!! and I do mean CRUSHED! No one centered as much of their life around their family as I did. Then she gets up with no warning after holding hands and being together on the weekend and walks out the door on Monday. The first week - I was so crushed I barely left the couch and felt as though I was in a DEEP depression. I couldnt change the way I felt - it was ALL dark. Then I tried to figure out what happened (without any communication from her) and was mainly listening to second hand stories about myself (and what a lousy husband I was) and he rumors to my kids about what a bad guy I was. It was more devastating the 2nd week than the first. Then I found this webforum which started to teach me that while the problems of marriage were both ours - the infidelity part was totally hers. It was a help to know that I had no shame to experience because I did nothing wrong that the shame of the infidelity was hers and hers alone. This got me away from feeling guilty and to repair my broken heart and broken dreams - dreams of having a family, dreams of having grandchildren coming by, etc. 

The other thing that helped is when people on this site stated that when people asked what happened I tell people "my wife left me for another man" It's a paradox but it actually freed me because once again it showed that I am not running from what happened and I am still conducting my life an the same upfront manner I did before the affair. The shame isnt mine its hers.

Lately, the last few days, I noticed the dark heavy emotion lifting and me feeling better and I feel like my self esteem is coming back. I realize I did nothing wrong. I surround myself with supportive people and they are starting to show me that she never did treat me that well and for years was running me down to others and they were amazed that I tolerated so much. 

Here's the paradox - she left me because she said the marriage didnt meet her needs and I was not fulfilling her and now I see how the marriage didnt meet MY needs and I was NOT being fulfilled by marriage. Now, my children see what is going on and are fully in my corner, and my friends see what happened and are fully in my corner, as are my family. THINGS turn around. I see her life and it is not going to be pretty for her. She is alone. I actually have sympathy for her. A mutual friend of ours came up to me today and said "what are you doing now" and I told her that my wife left me for another guy and she said "I have known you for years and you are one of the most decent guys I have ever known - did she know what she just threw away?" It really validated me and made me see that decent people see what happened and will not let me falter. There is justice in the world and we attract what we put out. FOR ALL THOSE EXPERIENCING INFIDELITY - HANG IN - IT GETS BETTER AND LISTEN TO THOSE ON THIS SITE - THINGS WILL TURN AROUND!!!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You're beginning to detach from her and heal a little at a time. Just know that even now you're still vulnerable to her advances.  Have you thought about what you would do if she suddenly decides she wants to come back to you?


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

You're going through the same process that I went through. Your wife will probably come back when she realizes what a crappy life she has ahead of her. Mine did too. Mine did not want to atone for her wrong doings though. Thought that saying I'm sorry was enough. 

Stay strong and remember that even better days are ahead. There are women out there that appreciate the good guys!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

define normal please


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thanks for sharing big-
Time does heal and it sucks but with healing theres rollercoasters.Its like a scabe as it heals it iches.LOL

Prepare your self and keep working on your self for the next few months. It sounds like you are in very little contact w/ STBXW, thats a big help. I'm affraid that will change so just prepare your self the best you can, I'm gald your at a peak, thats great.

Just prepare your self and remember it takes fire to make steel and you will get through the next stages of grief just like you got throw the first one. My thinking here is there will come a time when your STBXW realizes what she has done and addittional emotional toture will come back when her affair falls apart or when the divorce gets closer to being finalized.

So educate your self and find the ammunition you will need when she tries to mind f^ck you again.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

BigTone, I'm so happy that you're feeling better. Be warned, however, that you still have a lot of grieving left. I felt great after my wife left and patted myself on the back for handling the situation so well. A few months later on the day that my divorce was final, I experienced a huge dose of melancholia.

Luckily, it was short-lived. Just know that this is all part of a process and you will eventually heal. Stay strong.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Great validation from those who know you. It is very good to hear those words. Just keep in mind it is not over and try to keep positive.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> You're beginning to detach from her and heal a little at a time. Just know that even now you're still vulnerable to her advances. Have you thought about what you would do if she suddenly decides she wants to come back to you?


Yea, thought about it often.....in week 1, I would have taken her back - week 2 - begged her to come back, but now I can only remember her words when I begged her to go to marriage counseling "No! No! No! No! No!" as she walked out the door to the other fellow's place. That will be my response should she come back....

I am through the pain I am on the other side now....no sense signing up for more pain from her...

She might get me weak by talking family - but where was family in her mind??


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Felons recently released from years of confinement experience fear and apprehension at first. They had grown accustomed to the misery of prison and freedom is a radical change. Just because the initial loss of a relationship hurts doesn't mean it was ever good for you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like you are already mentaly preparing for what many here deal with. God Job, and find your armour, its only been 2 months. Her fantasy will fall apart and you will need your armor soon.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

cantdecide said:


> You're going through the same process that I went through. Your wife will probably come back when she realizes what a crappy life she has ahead of her. Mine did too. Mine did not want to atone for her wrong doings though. Thought that saying I'm sorry was enough.
> 
> Stay strong and remember that even better days are ahead. There are women out there that appreciate the good guys!!


Mine will be the same - NEVER wrong in the marriage. I see that now - friends have been telling me they were amazed at how much BS I put up with by her bad mouthing me all over the place.

Lemme see....
Sorry I walked out on you and our son on his final year of high school.
Sorry I slept with a guy from work and put his needs ahead of you and our son.
Sorry I destroyed a family that we build years building together.
Sorry I told the worse despicable stories about you to justify what I was doing...
it could go on and on.....
Sorry is NOT going to cut it with this guy!!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

:iagree::iagree:


unbelievable said:


> Felons recently released from years of confinement experience fear and apprehension at first. They had grown accustomed to the misery of prison and freedom is a radical change. Just because the initial loss of a relationship hurts doesn't mean it was ever good for you.


:iagree:


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

the guy said:


> It sound like you are already mentaly preparing for what many here deal with. God Job, and find your armour, its only been 2 months. Her fantasy will fall apart and you will need your armor soon.


Do you see what I mean - the support of this site is incredible - a real refuge at the worst time of my life..


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Her fantasy will fall apart...but my current reality will be stronger than her former fantasy....


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Well done bigtone.

Start preparing yourself and your kid for the day she knocks on your door and begs to come back.


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## LoveMyKids80 (Apr 24, 2012)

Bigtone, you sound alot like me and what I went through except it was my husband who walked out on me and our two kids for a co-worker. That was 13 weeks ago. I went through the hurt, the begging, the pleading, the anger. Once I found out infidelity was involved, I gotta say that made it so much easier to move on. Why would I want to be with someone who could so easily lie and cheat like that? And not feel any remorse over doing so? I know that I am in a better place, and it sounds like you are too. I've only started the divorce procedure so I can't say how I will feel once it's over. I think a sigh of relief. Knowing I can fully move on now with my life. You hang in there and keep your head high. Things will only get better.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Felons recently released from years of confinement experience fear and apprehension at first. They had grown accustomed to the misery of prison and freedom is a radical change. Just because the initial loss of a relationship hurts doesn't mean it was ever good for you.



I was in a relationship with a sick, twisted NPD wife. Still, the cheating hurt. Probably a blow to my ego more than anything else, as I really did not miss her abuse.

Once one of these folks is gone and the pain subsides(takes a decent lenght of time), your life is much better.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> Now, my children see what is going on and are fully in my corner


Glad you're feeling better but children should never be placed in a situation where they feel the need to side with one parent.

Remember this is your fight, not theirs.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

kindi said:


> Glad you're feeling better but children should never be placed in a situation where they feel the need to side with one parent.
> 
> Remember this is your fight, not theirs.


He did not involve his children nor ask them to choose a side. The situation they are in is a result of their mother cheating and walking out on ALL OF THEM.

One is about to graduate high school. They see for themselves what is happening and made their own decision. They would have to be infants not to do this. It takes real character to say that they love their mom but what she did is wrong and evil and their father did nothing to deserve it. Good for them!

Stay strong guy and be proud of your kids. Do not try to hide the truth from them. They are more intuitive and smarter than you know.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

I applaud your robust human resilience. You are "getting over it."


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