# It has been just over a week



## crushed0512 (Jan 24, 2017)

I am so confused and having heavy mixed emotions.

It all started about a year ago. I noticed heavy, heavy text traffic on our phone bill and confronted my wife of 24 years. She said it was a guy friend from work and it was nothing (which I didn't buy). She stopped but I knew then she was missing something. I mentioned that I thought we should pursue divorce but she said she didn't want to put our youngest son through the emotional distress. She asked that we just continue until he was older and then we would see what happens. Our marriage hasn't been good for a long while. We haven't been in the same bed for probably 8 plus years. I also want to add that I do feel that I have played a roll in all of this due to a drinking problem that she pleaded that I get under control for a long time which I have had under control for over a year.

Fast forward to the present. I started noticing odd behavior from her about a month ago. I really didn't expect that she was texting again but wanted to check. Wow, over 2500 texts in a month to a different #. I confronted her again and same story different day. Guy from work but he's just a friend. Come on! No one texts that much to someone who is just a friend. Long story short, I took her phone while she was asleep and found very graphic texts and comments of wanting to have sex at the hotel again. I confronted her early last Saturday morning. Her first response, was I can't believe you looked at my phone. Really, what a kick in the balls. She is really sorry and asking for a second chance. She now claims she wants doesn't want a divorce. Not because of our son but for us to make it work, which I find very convenient. I really think she doesn't want to because of the embrassment it might cause her with her friends and our family. Btw, everyone loves her and she is considered a really good person hence the ***** in her armor.

I reached out to a therapist and a friend. I'm so pissed, hurt, uncertain, etc! How can we get past this and get back to a normal marriage? How do I get the image out of my head? Do I need to worry about STD going forward? Sometimes I think want to know when and where it happened and then think no I don't (I actually asked her but decided knowing would probably just make it worse). I'm going to be 50 in May, do I really want to start over again? I need the affection that she obvious needs also. Can she get back to that place with me?

Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

First, confirm that the guy is indeed a co-worker. Find out _exactly_ who he is.

Second, assuming that he is a co-worker, if she wants to reconcile, she's going to need to get a new job ASAP. She should already be looking. Regardless of who he is, though, there needs to be ZERO contact between your wife and this guy going forward. She needs to willingly commit to that, otherwise there's no point in even trying to reconcile.

Third, get your hands on the phone again and back up EVERYTHING. Do this ASAP before everything magically disappears.

Fourth, if OM is married, expose the affair to his wife.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How often were you two having sex? Not in the same bed for 8 years? Common man, you didn't have a marriage. It was a sham. You both are too scared to end it. You can't be that surprised she cheated can you?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@crushed0512

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> How often were you two having sex? Not in the same bed for 8 years? Common man, you didn't have a marriage. It was a sham. You both are too scared to end it. You can't be that surprised she cheated can you?


I can't agree more. There is one thing bind blindsided, another thing when you are in a downturn and **** happens. 8 years in another bed? Why even bother?


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

toss emotions aside; think carefully about what matters most to your before proceeding. it's likely your son.

assuming that, stay with your wife under terms you can deal with and terms that won't adversely affect your son... reconciliation, open marriage, whatever... just make sure that it makes your situation better and your son's no worse. i make this recommendation with some speculation that if you had a drinking problem and that was on record in any way, it could affect joint custody... 

assume eventual divorce. maybe it won't happen in 2017 for the sake of your son, but just the same, assume it will happen and ensure that you get the upper hand in the divorce settlement out of your wife's infidelity. if possible, back up her entire phone. if not, save off the most incriminating messages in a safe place (make sure wife can't access). 

as already recommended, find out if the guy your wife slept is in a committed relationship. if so, inform the other person of what went down. no sense in someone else living a lie like you had been, before finding out. try to stay anonymous, if possible

depending on the anticipated effects of informing your wife's family of her infidelity, you may want to consider spilling the beans. it's doubtful your wife will learn anything from this if she suffers no reputational damage. as bad as it sounds, it might be the best for her to wear the 'cheater' title and work through the shame, guilt, etc. 

over 10 years ago, my fiancée cheated on me. i shipped all of her stuff that i had at my place to her parents’ house, with her incriminating emails to a secret lover at the very top of the box (with highlighted portions, of course)... she was shamed and furious at me, but after what had happened, i never spoke to her again. we had been together just shy of 2 years, so your situation is much different. being that you've been married for 24 years, you have more equity in the relationship and perhaps, this equity is worth saving. that's really your call


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> How often were you two having sex? Not in the same bed for 8 years? Common man, you didn't have a marriage. It was a sham. You both are too scared to end it. You can't be that surprised she cheated can you?


Normally, I don't agree with @GuyInColorado about ANYTHING. But he makes a really good point here. You've had problems for a long time, and it sounds like many of them have gone unaddressed and have festered. Is it still a marriage? Is there anything worth saving?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The OP stated his W asked he get his drinking under control, which he did. But to what end if your W went on and cheated anyway?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

her first response shoudl tell you everything....she is not remorseful she is pissed she got caught...and because they met at the hotel he is also attached time to blow the whistle and move on. And before GUS says it DNA your child just to piss her off...and do an STD check as well.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

You caught her red handed cheating and she's made you sleep in separate bed for 8 years. What more can you put up with? Why would you want to reconcile? I would expose her with copies of the e-mails to her friends, parents, family and anyone else who wants to listen then I would get a lawyer and divorce her.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Yeswecan said:


> The OP stated his W asked he get his drinking under control, which he did. But to what end if your W went on and cheated anyway?


And how long was she asking him to get it under control? And what exactly does "under control" mean to someone that is possibly an alcoholic or problem/binge drinker?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> And how long was she asking him to get it under control? And what exactly does "under control" mean to someone that is possibly an alcoholic or problem/binge drinker?


So what's worse: putting up with and alcoholic or putting up with a cheater.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

tropicalbeachiwish said:


> And how long was she asking him to get it under control? And what exactly does "under control" mean to someone that is possibly an alcoholic or problem/binge drinker?


Does it matter? OP got it under control. OP W was up to other things in the meantime. There are no roses in either flower bed in this marriage.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I don't care if you're the worst drunk since Peter the Great, you do NOT deserve to be cheated on. 
@crushed0512, ABSOLUTELY get STD tested ASAP. Right after you kick that POS who calls herself your wife out onto the street. If she doesn't want your kid(s) to have to go through a divorce, she should have thought of that BEFORE she screwed another guy.

I cannot BELIEVE that you've just put up with her crap for this long!! She sounds like a total ****ty mess.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crushed0512 said:


> I am so confused and having heavy mixed emotions.
> 
> It all started about a year ago. I noticed heavy, heavy text traffic on our phone bill and confronted my wife of 24 years. She said it was a guy friend from work and it was nothing (which I didn't buy). She stopped but I knew then she was missing something. I mentioned that I thought we should pursue divorce but she said she didn't want to put our youngest son through the emotional distress. She asked that we just continue until he was older and then we would see what happens. Our marriage hasn't been good for a long while. We haven't been in the same bed for probably 8 plus years. I also want to add that I do feel that I have played a roll in all of this due to a drinking problem that she pleaded that I get under control for a long time which I have had under control for over a year.
> 
> ...


She shouldn't have cheated on you. That's a given.

However, that doesn't give you a free pass for your behaviour.

Exactly how bad *was* your drinking problem?

Were you ever abusive? Violent?

Did you ever cheat on her? (Alcohol can really mess folks up. And I speak from my own experience.)


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I've never said this here, but based on what little you've written, you haven't had a marriage in many years, and I don't blame her for seeking attention and comfort. Of course it was wrong not to divorce first, but it was wrong for you to stay married this long with an issue so significant that you and your W have been in separate bedrooms for 8 years. I think it's deplorable to raise kids in that kind of dishonest environment, acting as though you're doing the kids a favor. In reality you're ensuring they have fvcked up relationships their whole life because of their FOO issues


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

When life throws you a curve ball it seems that a large part of the battle is becoming cognizant of what and who you are. Maybe you should ask yourself some hard questions: if you reconcile with her, will you be able to respect yourself for taking her back? You might be able to forgive her, but that's not necessarily the same as reconciliation. 

One of the greatest things that helped me when I was in your shoes was somehow, through the turmoil and confusion of trying to cope with betrayal I was able to discover my inner self and realize that I would not accept the behavior of my ex. This became the foundation upon which I was later able to rebuild my life... I had assigned enough value to myself to know that I would not settle for certain things and thus I found confidence and meaning within myself. I shudder to think what would have became of me otherwise. 

I'm not saying how you should respond, all of us are different and our lives are situational. I am saying that it helped me to adhere to standards that apply to myself and others in my life. It might help you to identify and define your values in order to come up with a game plan how to deal with your challenge.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I'm sorry this is happening to you and clearly, you want to stay and be with your wife as you have worked on cleansing yourself of your previous addiction. I would directly address her to seek counseling with a therapist to help mediate communication between both of you if both of you want to work on the marriage to stay together. Then take the next step from there. Both of you will be accountable for what you did and no pointing fingers for the wrong doings that each of you has done for one another.


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## blueberries (Dec 4, 2016)

A little off topic but in this age and time of the smart phone, why aren't people using chat apps?! Why use texts on the phone that can be recorded and checked? Smh


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> First, confirm that the guy is indeed a co-worker. Find out _exactly_ who he is.
> 
> Second, assuming that he is a co-worker, if she wants to reconcile, she's going to need to get a new job ASAP. She should already be looking. Regardless of who he is, though, there needs to be ZERO contact between your wife and this guy going forward. She needs to willingly commit to that, otherwise there's no point in even trying to reconcile.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:
What Gus said.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Herschel said:


> I can't agree more. There is one thing bind blindsided, another thing when you are in a downturn and **** happens. 8 years in another bed? Why even bother?


Codependency more than likely.
This marriage is dead and has been for a long time.

It's kind of ludicrous at this point to go through phony 'reconciliation' and all that nonsense to try to save something that doesn't even exist. The one GOOD suggestion about her affair, however, is to tell the wife of the sleaze bag she's playing with. That betrayed wife deserves to know the truth.

I had to chuckle when I read your statement that you "played a role in things with your drinking problem" as though that was just one MINOR reason for your marriage going to hell. That was probably the single *bigges*t reason it went to hell. Talk about denial.

It sounds like the ONLY reason she stays is for your kid. Your marriage died a long, long time ago. You need to face that and take care of business like a man.


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