# Help! I feel like I have lost hope



## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

So I’m 42, my 41. We have married for 21 years have 7 kids and it has been great! My problem is in the bedroom. We don’t argue about a lot of things but sex and the number per week is one of them. She is very good and ensuring that it happens a couple times a week but it always feels like “checking the box” I spend a lot of time on for play and always make sure she able to have a orgasm(so doing what ever that is ). My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to
Mark of the list? I know I have a higher sex drive , I would to 3-4 a week but I also understand that would be in a perfect world and with kids and life I’m not unrealistic and understand it will ebb and flow. My other issue is frankly I’m getting bored with what we are doing , she mainly like me on top but when we try and branch out she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden , we also for those purposes have small bullet toy help. We have had many talks about this and I try to tell her how I feel , the last time we argued about it I told her I need a break from sex for awhile. I still cuddle and do all the other things through the day to show my love , I’m fact I spoon her to sleep every night . Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?
Also as a side note I like to give oral sex and she really enjoys it , but I pretty much have to beg her to do it and in my mind that does not add up.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would guess your wife has a reactive sex drive. She needs to be turned on and get going before she ramps up her sexual feelings. Do a web search on that -- it may be what she's seeing.
If this IS in fact how she is -- don't fight nature. Just learn how to rev her up...

As to being more adventurous, you need to have a sit down (NOT while having sex) talk with her about your feelings on this, and things you want to try. You should be able to find SOME common ground to try things out. Does that mean she will give all the porn star sex? NO, but there should be some sort of compromise.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

With 7 kids, I would not have sex at all. When do you find the time?


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> With 7 kids, I would not have sex at all. When do you find the time?


Lol we do live busy life’s for sure


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jlnoah87 said:


> My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to


If she enjoyed herself she would be more interested in enjoying herself more


Jlnoah87 said:


> she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden


Because she is not and because it is.



Jlnoah87 said:


> Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?


No it isnt the right thing to do and no it wont help. Frequency isnt your problem IMO. Zero would be fine with your wife.

Your overall relationship has problems. Your wife doesnt find sex with you to be a fun activity. There are thousands of reasons this could be so. Maybe your method of approach for intimacy isnt floating her boat, it obviously isnt causing her to be enthusiastic for your attention.

Yours isn’t the first thread on here with the same theme, maybe its the thousandth. There are a few who have been where you are and managed to repair the relationship. Hopefully one or more of the successful ones will chime in.

Seem to recall a few recommending a Marriage Counselor with special credentials for Sexual Dysfunction. IMO you need to get some outside help because what you have been trying isnt working for either of you.


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> If she enjoyed herself she would be more interested in enjoying herself more
> 
> Because she is not and because it is.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply, I have ask her to go to counseling and she refuses and I ask all the time if there is something else do different or more of she states that everything is fine and she is just the type of person to vocalize things , which does hold onto a lot of things inside.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jlnoah87 said:


> So I’m 42, my 41. We have married for 21 years have 7 kids and it has been great! My problem is in the bedroom. We don’t argue about a lot of things but sex and the number per week is one of them. She is very good and ensuring that it happens a couple times a week but it always feels like “checking the box” I spend a lot of time on for play and always make sure she able to have a orgasm(so doing what ever that is ). My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to
> Mark of the list? I know I have a higher sex drive , I would to 3-4 a week but I also understand that would be in a perfect world and with kids and life I’m not unrealistic and understand it will ebb and flow. My other issue is frankly I’m getting bored with what we are doing , she mainly like me on top but when we try and branch out she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden , we also for those purposes have small bullet toy help. We have had many talks about this and I try to tell her how I feel , the last time we argued about it I told her I need a break from sex for awhile. I still cuddle and do all the other things through the day to show my love , I’m fact I spoon her to sleep every night . Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?
> Also as a side note I like to give oral sex and she really enjoys it , but I pretty much have to beg her to do it and in my mind that does not add up.


Most women just don't have a sex drive that becomes their priority like men do. You're focused on it for whatever reason, but she's a woman and she's not. She probably rather be doing something else. 
An orgasm is not the be all and end all for most women. 

I mean you surely know that most women sex drives are not as intense as most men's are so why would it surprise you that she's not as eager as you are? 

Most women are not just in a relationship to get sex. They have other priorities. She's making sure your sexual needs are being taken care of on a regular basis even though I doubt she even cares if she has sex that often. 

How many times a week do you take her out to dinner or to do an activity you share together? I'm not saying that will make sex happen more often. I'm saying that's probably what she would enjoy for her own self.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She takes her job seriously.
She wants a healthy and happy family.
That is a good thing, seriously.

Yes, she gives you sex to keep you healthy and happy.
That is a good thing, seriously.

She does what is expected of her. 
You are just one of her brood.


Cut her some slack.
She is worn out with all that mothering.

Her personal time is rare, likely nonexistent.
Her own needs are not likely being met.

Wait for the empty nest for things to improve.
Um, don't hold your breath!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Cold turkey is really passive aggressive and that is never sexy. What you need is an adult discussion outside of the bedroom about inside the bedroom.

P.S. …. There are guys here that would love to have at least what you have.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Jlnoah87 said:


> I have ask her to go to counseling and she refuses


Has she given a reason?


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Most women just don't have a sex drive that becomes their priority like men do. You're focused on it for whatever reason, but she's a woman and she's not. She probably rather be doing something else.
> An orgasm is not the be all and end all for most women.
> 
> I mean you surely know that most women sex drives are not as intense as most men's are so why would it surprise you that she's not as eager as you are?
> ...


Thank you for response , yes we have date night every week. I also understand that men’s sex’s drive are greater than women’s, however I’m trying to make it more enjoyable for her and to do whatever that is. I get way more enjoyment if she is having a good time. I just feel that if your going to have a look on your face of like it’s a chore then I would rather her just say no.


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> Cold turkey is really passive aggressive and that is never sexy. What you need is an adult discussion outside of the bedroom about inside the bedroom.
> 
> P.S. …. There are guys here that would love to have at least what you have.


Yes I agree, but she never wants to talk about it. In fact she gets upset if I bring it up , looking at it more like it’s exhausting to talk about , which does with all other things that might be disagreements. She will choose to try ignore issues and act like they are not there.


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

SunCMars said:


> She takes her job seriously.
> She wants a healthy and happy family.
> That is a good thing, seriously.
> 
> ...


Lol true she is a stay at home mom , but she is a rockstar for sure with all of us. I guess I wish she would be more about her needs. Every time she ask for something to do , like give when I come home the first thing I do is give a kiss and ask what I can do to help or what needs to be done and when I leave for work before I leave the bedroom that I tell her I love her , I spoon her every night until she falls asleep and stay that way for at least 30min longer while I’m wide awake. I don’t mention these things make myself look good just to illustrate that if I find out one of her needs I do it without fail.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jlnoah87 said:


> Thank you for response , yes we have date night every week. I also understand that men’s sex’s drive are greater than women’s, however I’m trying to make it more enjoyable for her and to do whatever that is. I get way more enjoyment if she is having a good time. I just feel that if your going to have a look on your face of like it’s a chore then I would rather her just say no.


You can't wave a magic wand and make her have the sex drive of someone who has a penis.

Testosterone.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

At home all day with 7 kids, sex twice a week and you are complaining? I would advice you to read some of the sexless marriages stories on here.


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> Has she given a reason?


Maybe because she thinks everything is great… I’m usually in the guy camp on things like this, but they have 7 kids - 7 KIDS!!! - and she is still making time to have sex a couple times per week? Honestly that’s amazing in my book. Now if the kids are all grown and out of the house then that would be a different conversation, but it sounds like she takes care of all their kids and still finds time to take care of her husband pretty well. OP needs to tread carefully here imo. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Exit37 said:


> Maybe because she thinks everything is great…


I'm in this camp. She probably thinks everything is fine and does like the intimacy on those two nights a week. 


Jlnoah87 said:


> So I’m 42, my 41. We have married for 21 years have 7 kids and it has been great! My problem is in the bedroom. We don’t argue about a lot of things but sex and the number per week is one of them. She is very good and ensuring that it happens a couple times a week but it always feels like “checking the box” I spend a lot of time on for play and always make sure she able to have a orgasm(so doing what ever that is ). My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to
> Mark of the list? I know I have a higher sex drive , I would to 3-4 a week but I also understand that would be in a perfect world and with kids and life I’m not unrealistic and understand it will ebb and flow. My other issue is frankly I’m getting bored with what we are doing , she mainly like me on top but when we try and branch out she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden , we also for those purposes have small bullet toy help. We have had many talks about this and I try to tell her how I feel , the last time we argued about it I told her I need a break from sex for awhile. I still cuddle and do all the other things through the day to show my love , I’m fact I spoon her to sleep every night . Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?
> Also as a side note I like to give oral sex and she really enjoys it , but I pretty much have to beg her to do it and in my mind that does not add up.


Are you completely sure she is just checking the box? Some, or even a lot of women, don't like to talk about it, don't get overly excited about it, but like it when it's happening and do look forward to it in their own way (in a way us men would have no idea). It may seem like she's checking the box to you, but to her, she might think everything is great. I bet if you ask her, she says it's perfect,. If she says that, whether you choose to believe her or not, let it go.


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> I'm in this camp. She probably thinks everything is fine and does like the intimacy on those two nights a week.
> 
> 
> Are you completely sure she is just checking the box? Some, or even a lot of women, don't like to talk about it, don't get overly excited about it, but like it when it's happening and do look forward to it in their own way (in a way us men would have no idea). It may seem like she's checking the box to you, but to her, she might think everything is great. I bet if you ask her, she says it's perfect,. If she says that, whether you choose to believe her or not, let it go.


The reason why I feel like it’s the check the box is because if I bring it up to see if would that night she freezes like a dear in headlights and has the look of do I have too?? My point is like I said before if I’m getting that type of visceral reaction is that not her true feelings ?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jlnoah87 said:


> The reason why I feel like it’s the check the box is because if I bring it up to see if would that night she freezes like a dear in headlights and has the look of do I have too?? My point is like I said before if I’m getting that type of visceral reaction is that not her true feelings ?


Has she always been like this?


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Has she always been like this?


I really don’t know what the norm was because she was pregnant for a decade we had kids every 2 years apart.


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## Jlnoah87 (2 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> At home all day with 7 kids, sex twice a week and you are complaining? I would advice you to read some of the sexless marriages stories on here.


I’m really not complaining I know how lucky I am that she is willing to have 1-2 a week but my problem is it seems like a chore to her and that bugs me.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

She is to comfortable in your relationship, make her less certain.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You sound like you have a great wife and life, OP. Seven kids would exhaust anyone, and maybe she still enjoys you sexually, but in some ways, it may feel like sex is another thing she needs to do. Not because she sees you as a chore, but maybe it's hard for her to switch from taking care of everyone's needs, to feeling 100% sexy in the moment.

I would discuss it with her, and see if over time, things improve. No relationship is without its imperfections, though, so if you're seeking perfection, that won't happen.


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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Jlnoah87 said:


> So I’m 42, my 41. We have married for 21 years have 7 kids and it has been great! My problem is in the bedroom. We don’t argue about a lot of things but sex and the number per week is one of them. She is very good and ensuring that it happens a couple times a week but it always feels like “checking the box” I spend a lot of time on for play and always make sure she able to have a orgasm(so doing what ever that is ). My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to
> Mark of the list? I know I have a higher sex drive , I would to 3-4 a week but I also understand that would be in a perfect world and with kids and life I’m not unrealistic and understand it will ebb and flow. My other issue is frankly I’m getting bored with what we are doing , she mainly like me on top but when we try and branch out she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden , we also for those purposes have small bullet toy help. We have had many talks about this and I try to tell her how I feel , the last time we argued about it I told her I need a break from sex for awhile. I still cuddle and do all the other things through the day to show my love , I’m fact I spoon her to sleep every night . Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?
> Also as a side note I like to give oral sex and she really enjoys it , but I pretty much have to beg her to do it and in my mind that does not add up.


When my husband is on top i feel so affectionate. I dont know how to explain or why, i just feel.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

OP…. I could already tell which direction this thread would go the moment you posted. The majority would beat you down for making the cardinal sin of wanting more or better sex.

how dare you.


with that out of the way, at least you are not in a dead bedroom……. Yet.


I also won’t say, “you should be happy with what you have, other men here would kill for what you have!!!”

I wouldn’t, and my exwife was 100 times worse than yours.

I get your pain. It feels horrible to look at her face and see that she is just doing a chore. What if you took her out to do something with her and gave her the same face? For example, what if she loves going dancing and when you take her, you look off in the distance, don’t speak with her, go through the motions, keep looking at time wondering when you could leave, etc. it’s the same thing, but the folks here that will immediately defend your wife will never bring that up.

regardless, sounds like you have a wife that is worth working with. Sit her down and explain what your needs are. Like most men, “touch” is most likely your love language. Now, listen to her and truly understand hers. Go out of your way to make sure she understands and feels loved. Explain that in order for you to feel loved, you need to have her “present” during sex. See where that discussion takes you.


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## JennaW. (Mar 28, 2015)

I think she's just exhausted... 7 kids!


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I’m in the same boat as you with age, length of marriage though we only have a couple of kids and I’ve learned that my wife just isn’t in to sex like I am. She’s a take it or leave it kind of person who wants the same foreplay and same one position, no oral and no kissing below the chest on her and no kissing below the lips on me. I’ve had to accept that she and I are just not on the same page sexually and I need to lower my expectations. My kids are my priority and I want them to have a great childhood and grow up in an intact home.


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## Parallax857 (May 15, 2012)

Color me impressed, as others have mentioned, with the frequency of sex in your marriage, particularly in the context of such a large family. I'm not saying "you should (or could) be satisfied", though. You're feeling bored. I've been there and done that in relationships I look back on as great. Other women would catch my eye. I felt a need for variety that I knew I couldn't meet within the relationship (except when I dated an unusual woman who would have been open to another woman in our bed, though it never actually happened).

None of this happens to me anymore and I'm not sure why. I'm very happily married. My wife wants sex as much as I do. We don't do it that often. Less than once a week. Significantly less. But my sex drive has gone down as I've aged and at 59, I'm fine with it. It's also worth knowing that our sense of connection is very strong. In my view, it's not a problem if sex happens rarely as long as the emotional connection is strong. It's like we'd both love to sleep together more and life conspires to get in our way.

There was a time I had a desire to try and do new things. One of my ex girlfriends was a sex addict so we did all sorts of wild stuff. She taught me a lot. Eventually we came to a place where we were both learning together, as she was very adventurous. But I knew that relationship wouldn't last. She had severe emotional issues that made long term relationship untenable and I think that often goes hand-in-hand with a sex addiction.

In my experience, the best sex happens when the emotional connection is strong. I don't look back on the ex who was sex (and non-sex) crazy because, at the end of the day, it wasn't that big a deal. I've had two relationships where the love was super strong, which made the sex great. The first time, I was young and my girlfriend (who became my wife and then ex-wife) was younger. When we were in love, the sex was incredible. But that just lasted maybe a couple of years. I was too young to know how to maintain that sort of connection. When the relationship went south, the sex was the first thing to go.

Now I've been married again for 12 years and the sex is again great because the connection is strong. In between these two women, I learned a lot of sexual technique and took pride in my ability to satisfy women, but my wife doesn't need or want any of that. When I used to wander down to go down on her, she'd pull me up and tell me she preferred to look into my eyes. She enjoys having me inside her, on top, and it's great for both of us. I don't feel a need for more.

I think at the base of everything that's good in our relationship, including the sex, is that we know how to work through stuff that comes up. We don't ignore or pave it over. We work through it. We use NVC (Non-Violent Communication, the work of Marshall Rosenberg) and also Imago (the work of Harville Hendrix) techniques. Unfortunately, it takes two. You can read about either technique but ultimately they require study, either with a teacher or a counselor. NVC is something one can study alone, so you could learn it and start to use it in the marriage. If you get really good at it, that might be enough. If interested, read Rosenberg's book and then google it to see if there are NVC teachers in your community.


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## Skookaroo (Jul 12, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Cut her some slack.
> She is worn out with all that mothering.
> 
> Her personal time is rare, likely nonexistent.
> Her own needs are not likely being met.


I agree with this. Women tend to keep 18 tabs open in their brain too. With seven kids, a husband, and a home to take care of, she probably isn’t super connected to herself, let alone her own desires and sexuality right now. And even when it’s time to play, she probably can’t turn off the running to-do list for the family. She is a rockstar in my book. However, if my husband asked me to attend counseling with him, I certainly would. I feel that it shows respect, that even if this topic is not a big deal for me, I respect that it is meaningful to my partner and deserves a deeper conversation if that’s what he wants.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Jlnoah87 said:


> So I’m 42, my 41. We have married for 21 years have 7 kids and it has been great! My problem is in the bedroom. We don’t argue about a lot of things but sex and the number per week is one of them. She is very good and ensuring that it happens a couple times a week but it always feels like “checking the box” I spend a lot of time on for play and always make sure she able to have a orgasm(so doing what ever that is ). My problem is if she enjoys herself , so why does it seem like still a thing to
> Mark of the list? I know I have a higher sex drive , I would to 3-4 a week but I also understand that would be in a perfect world and with kids and life I’m not unrealistic and understand it will ebb and flow. My other issue is frankly I’m getting bored with what we are doing , she mainly like me on top but when we try and branch out she just seems like she is not into it at all or that it’s a burden , we also for those purposes have small bullet toy help. We have had many talks about this and I try to tell her how I feel , the last time we argued about it I told her I need a break from sex for awhile. I still cuddle and do all the other things through the day to show my love , I’m fact I spoon her to sleep every night . Is going cold turkey for a while the right thing to do? Will this help ?
> Also as a side note I like to give oral sex and she really enjoys it , but I pretty much have to beg her to do it and in my mind that does not add up.


You are batching, you got it good. Communicate what you want, find out what she wants so that you can meet halfway. Get off this site. The time you took to write this novel you could have been seducing your wife, date your wife, romance. In this busy world iy does take away time, deak wire it. Men don't even get to spoon, your are the most lucky partnership. Enjoy, board ask wife to share what can you both do that isn't too taboo.
Otherwise such it up.


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## Marsh_Mallow* (2 mo ago)

I think she definitely enjoys it and wants to make you happy but with 7 kids it would honestly be hard for any women to be in the mood more than 2 times a week. She probably doesn’t want to let you down. At the same time though she has a million things running through her mind so it’s not as easy as it is for you. Try not to be offended. She sounds like a dedicated wife.
I actually don’t think going cold turkey or holding out will frustrate anyone but you unfortunately so I don’t think that is necessary.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

We don't have kids at home and average twice a week, now that my medical issue was dealt with. We both get up early and work full time. Frankly, many nights we are just tired.

Would I like sex more often, yes.

Does twice a week bother me, no.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Consider that she might be somewhat dissociative during sex. Ask her, 10 minutes after her orgasm, what she remembers about it. If she's really all there, it will still resonate pleasantly in her thoughts. For her to have sex, to face sex basically, she may have to disconnect from the act itself, which, if that's what's happening, if her thoughts have to be elsewhere, if she needs distractions, it's probably something you need to take to a therapist.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

LATERILUS79 said:


> For example, what if she loves going dancing and when you take her, you look off in the distance, don’t speak with her, go through the motions, keep looking at time wondering when you could leave, etc. it’s the same thing, but the folks here that will immediately defend your wife will never bring that up.


This was my thought as well! We talk often talk about covert contracts from the person wanting more but the other can be guilty as well. Perhaps her covert contract is “I give him sex and he’ll be turn into Super Dad.”

I would argue there is either a double-standard or a complete lack of self-awareness when it comes to apathy for a partner’s interest and passions. It seems perfectly OK for a woman to call out, talk crap or shame their partners for being apathetic or dissociative towards something she’s really into be it a TV show or an activity. Guys simply aren’t allowed to do this.


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