# Not interested but want him to be



## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

Since I discovered my husband's emotional affair I have felt very torn about intimacy with him. I don't really want to be with him but it annoys me that he doesn't seem to want to be with me either. We have only been intimate once since I found out that he is still in communication with her. I thought he ended it a year ago. 

I guess I feel like he would be thinking of her while in bed with me and that is a real turn off. We have made small steps toward intimacy but it really isn't going anywhere. 

I guess the hurt is still so fresh that I don't know what to feel.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mom876 said:


> I guess the hurt is still so fresh that I don't know what to feel.


yep. take it slow. i',m sure you'll get there.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mom876-

It was only a matter of time with a thread of your title, and the subsequent explanation that you would get someone to tell you what I am about to tell you:

*Make up your mind!*

There is so much stress in the world right now, that even solid relationships are under strain. Both of you are being lukewarm - what other result do you expect?

One thing you could do is ask him why he had the affair - what was he getting, or about to get from her that he could not get from you?

From what you are saying, you are not exactly making the home situation enticing for him.

But what really troubles me is why two people would want to deliberately create a boring marriage, when they could have so much more fun. Yours is a common situation, and yet I can never understand why people do it. Is it the "pound of flesh" syndrome?


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

I am not sure what he would consider "enticing" under the circumstances. I am available in the same bed every night. I make attempts at cuddling. I feel so deceived that I can't get past it, yet. He has hurt me emotionally. How can I bounce back from that and make life more fun?

Actually, I took him with me on a recent business trip. He was happy when the desk clerk told him our king size bed wasn't available. Oh, and he did call her while I was in meetings during the day. More hurt.

What he gets from her? He gets to be her hero by giving her money he doesn't have to give. Read my other posts for more on that.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mom876-

I already read your other posts. It's makes sad reading for sure. What I am really asking is: How was your relationship/intimacy levels the year before the affair?


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

We have been married for 25 yrs and have 3 kids. Our love life has had its ups and downs during that time. However, we always made time for intimacy up until about 18 months ago. We really seemed to slack off, I worked more, he worked more. We just didn't seem to have as much time or energy for each other.

But, I didn't hook up with someone else to fill in for him.

Recently, It is like we don't know how to approach each other.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

For a couple of years my H was not really interested in sex with me. He was into porn. He rejected me a lot and it left some pretty big scars for me. 

I can relate to your title. I had this conversation with my H not too long ago. I told him taht b/c of what happened in the past, i do not feel comfortable coming on to him, but i want him to come on to me. I will add that i do not create a very friendly environment for him. I dont touch him much and i really dont let him touch me all that often. I lock the door when im changing and when im showering. but we talk about it. i dont do it out of anger (i used to do A LOT of things out of anger). i do it b/c that's what i feel i need to do to right now to heal. and its not going to do me any good to do things that create more anger and resentment if i want this to work. 

but the catch for him is that he still needs to come on to me. I know its not 'fair' or 'fun' for him. i explained to him why i am doing some of the things im doing, and its not to punish him, or get even, and im not doing it out of anger. im putting up boundaries b/c i want us to get better and i want to stop being angry and resentful. 

I also put it in perspective for him. I let him know that it will not always be like this, but that the faster he respects my needs now, the sooner we can move past this.

I know you want to save your marriage, but you have to protect yourself first. If being with him brings up resentment b/c you think he's thinking of the other women, or b/c he never initiates, well then, you need to start asking yourself what you can do to stop feeling the resentment. for me, it was not allowing him to see me naked, not touching him if i didnt want to, and never initiate sex. Find out what you can do for yourself to stop feeling the resentment.

If your H isnt committed to helping you heal, by respecting what you need, and acknowledging the hurt he has caused, then it will be very difficult for your marriage to heal. You can heal to a certain extent on your own, but healing the marriage will require some things on his part.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mom876 said:


> Since I discovered my husband's emotional affair I have felt very torn about intimacy with him. I don't really want to be with him but it annoys me that he doesn't seem to want to be with me either. We have only been intimate once since I found out that he is still in communication with her. I thought he ended it a year ago.
> 
> I guess I feel like he would be thinking of her while in bed with me and that is a real turn off. We have made small steps toward intimacy but it really isn't going anywhere.
> 
> I guess the hurt is still so fresh that I don't know what to feel.


sounds crazy, but maybe a way to accomplish your goal and more...is to become really naughty in his presence. do something really erotic around him. guys are pretty visual with our arousal centers. get him hot and bothered, then stop. it'll keep your "mind on the prize" and off the other girl. i don't know. maybe worth a try?


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

Thanks for the input. I have just spent 2 hours of "quality time" (well, actually, just cuddling on the sofa watching TV) with him.

At least we were in the same room. Its a start.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

mom876 said:


> I am not sure what he would consider "enticing" under the circumstances. I am available in the same bed every night. I make attempts at cuddling. I feel so deceived that I can't get past it, yet. He has hurt me emotionally. How can I bounce back from that and make life more fun?
> 
> Actually, I took him with me on a recent business trip. He was happy when the desk clerk told him our king size bed wasn't available. Oh, and he did call her while I was in meetings during the day. More hurt.
> 
> What he gets from her? He gets to be her hero by giving her money he doesn't have to give. Read my other posts for more on that.


by enticing i think i mean something more than being available. i think something erotic, like a strip tease, something proactive. something to "spite" this other girl. like a neener neener neener, i'm here doing this and she isn't. use you imagination, the take it an extra step. and don't be embarrassed. we don't mind this kinda stuff. i'd post a website or two, but it would get me in the dog house.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

games are fake & never work for the long haul. At least not for me. Games may band-aid the situation, but it won't permananently fix anything. Statements such as these are why we have forums like this in the first place. Of course, who am I to critisize--I am her too!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

magicsunset08 said:


> games are fake & never work for the long haul. At least not for me. Games may band-aid the situation, but it won't permananently fix anything. Statements such as these are why we have forums like this in the first place. Of course, who am I to critisize--I am her too!


y'know, i agree. i've been a little off balance the past couple days. i catch myself going through these streaks of brilliance, i gotta get outside!

but...

fake it til ya make it??? sometimes it applies.


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## mom876 (Nov 15, 2008)

Fake it til ya make it seems to apply to many areas of my life right now. I just heard the same thing at the teachers' conference I attended.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Unless and until he cuts off contact with this woman, I wouldn't be going out of my way to "win him over". I'm not saying you should be boring or unpleasant ... I'm saying you should tell him to get out and get back to you when he makes up his mind. If he had cut things off and decided he wanted to try with you, THEN I would say go out of your way to really work on building up the marriage and your intimacy. But I don't see how you can or why you should be trying to do that when there's still a third party smack in the middle of your relationship.


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