# She wants to remain friends after the divorce



## Dweezil111

So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


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## Lance Mannion

Keep your own counsel. Do what you must while still married. Do what you want after you are divorced.

Do you want to see your ex-wife with another man and come and visit their house as a "friend?"


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## SpinyNorman

It is possible and does happen. The question is if that's what the two of you want. See what works, if you find out you don't like it, it's not that hard to stop being friends. 

This is different but related, your divorce is often cheaper if you're not combative about it.


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## Dweezil111

No, I don't. She did say if we stayed friends after wouldn't bring him over.


SpinyNorman said:


> It is possible and does happen. The question is if that's what the two of you want. See what works, if you find out you don't like it, it's not that hard to stop being friends.
> 
> This is different but related, your divorce is often cheaper if you're not combative about it.


We are being very civil to each other. And if you were to ask me if we could stay friends right now I would say yes. But like you said, it's not hard to not be friends if it doesn't work out.


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## Casual Observer

Dweezil111 said:


> No, I don't. She did say if we stayed friends after wouldn't bring him over.
> 
> We are being very civil to each other. And if you were to ask me if we could stay friends right now I would say yes. But like you said, it's not hard to not be friends if it doesn't work out.


You answered your own question. No reference in the initial post to her having an affair, just sounded like two people who had grown apart. You need to break clean and make it clear to your STBXW that you're not there for support if things go bad with her affair partner. At some point way way way down the road, maybe. After things have stabilized and you've moved on as well.

Have you given thought to what would happen if things didn't work out with her affair partner and she wanted to come back? As something more than a friend? What affect has her affair had on you? What was it like when you found out? Or is her having an affair a tit-for-tat thing, something you've previously engaged in yourself?


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## Andy1001

Why are you leaving your home. She’s the one who’s cheating, why are you letting her walk over you?


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## Dweezil111

Casual Observer said:


> You answered your own question. No reference in the initial post to her having an affair, just sounded like two people who had grown apart. You need to break clean and make it clear to your STBXW that you're not there for support if things go bad with her affair partner. At some point way way way down the road, maybe. After things have stabilized and you've moved on as well.
> 
> Have you given thought to what would happen if things didn't work out with her affair partner and she wanted to come back? As something more than a friend? What affect has her affair had on you? What was it like when you found out? Or is her having an affair a tit-for-tat thing, something you've previously engaged in yourself?


It destroyed me when I found out she was with someone else. I was in therapy for a long time trying to learn how to deal with it. I've never had an affair, I could never bring myself to do it.


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## Casual Observer

Dweezil111 said:


> It destroyed me when I found out she was with someone else. I was in therapy for a long time trying to learn how to deal with it. I've never had an affair, I could never bring myself to do it.


Then you need to move on. Therapy does not teach you to tolerate abuse. It teaches you how to deal with it.


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## Marc878

Most waywards (cheaters) not gender specific want to be fiends. Its all for them. It helps with the guilt. See! He’s ok with what I’ve done. Because we‘re friends!

You need to let her go. You do that best with no contact which is up to you. No one else. You have control over yourself and your phone. She doesn’t.

Going forward no on that you want to have a relationship with is going to want an X In the midst.

*definition of friend = loyal, honest and trustworthy.*


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## Marc878

Dweezil111 said:


> So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


You own the house jointly. It’s not just hers. Unless I’m missing something.


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## manfromlamancha

Forget about being friends - what you need to understand is that not only is she not a friend but actually an enemy of yours. She sought to hurt you but is trying to make it seem that she just fell out of love with you and just happened to drop her knickers for the POSOM. Or maybe even he is her "soulmate" or some other bullcrap like that. Instead of wondering whether you can be friends or not you should be seeking to gain as much as you can during the divorce (and that would be the only reason to be civil with her). Why are you moving out of the house and not her?


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## Marc878

manfromlamancha said:


> Forget about being friends - what you need to understand is that not only is she not a friend but actually an enemy of yours. She sought to hurt you but is trying to make it seem that she just fell out of love with you and just happened to drop her knickers for the POSOM. Or maybe even he is her "soulmate" or some other bullcrap like that. Instead of wondering whether you can be friends or not you should be seeking to gain as much as you can during the divorce (and that would be the only reason to be civil with her). Why are you moving out of the house and not her?


Exactly. I was married to you but spread my legs for my boyfriend because I didn’t lurve you anymore.

You‘re getting divorced because your wife is a cheater. Whether you know it or not.


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## lifeistooshort

Also, consider that eventually you may find someone else who is not ok with you being friends with your ex.


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## NextTimeAround

Think about what could await you if you went through that rigmarole called "being just friends." She would hassle you to invite her somewhere. To meet your friends and then pick them off so you never hear from them again.

And also if have any suspicions of anyone that you remained friends with still considers her a friend, drop them immediately. All that they're going to do is play informant. Give her the "right of first refusal" if they're ever planning an activity; let you know of what you're missing; and they will keep you informed about her. Anything they want to tell you, they will probably insist upon seeing you, so that they can also watch you react to the news. Just accept that there are some people who crave drama and try to insert themselves where ever they can.

You don't need to explain. Just calmly freeze them out.


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## sokillme

She wants to stay friends to dissuade some of her guilt for cheating not because she IS a friend to you. Would a friend do what she is doing?

Also to keeping you from defending yourself. Hell she is doing a pretty good job of it as you are even questioning it.

She does what she wants and expects you to follow suit and bless her for it or at least not challenge her, when she broke her vows.

Dude she is NOT your friend.

Unremorsful people who have affairs are garbage. Reasonable people toss that out as to not live with the stink.


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## Mr.Married

She gonna need someone to move heavy stuff for her sooner or later .... just As well be her friend


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## Lance Mannion

The Power of TAM. You never actually wrote about another man, everyone knew about the other man, you then concede there is another man.

You need to be an ice-cold decision maker. 

-Is there some advantage to you in divorce terms to move out? If not, move back in and make her move out, she's the one who UNILATERALLY changed the terms of your marriage, let her bear the cost.

-Be as nice as you have to right now in order to get the best terms on divorce.

-Think long and hard about what you want to do about her post-divorce. There's a good chance her affair is going to self-destruct once you hand her over to the other man. If you can never come back from this betrayal, then there's nothing stopping you from destroying her world and reputation AFTER the divorce is finalized.

-If you've cut ties, permanently, then there really is no benefit to maintaining contact and friendship networks. Your life will be less stressful and more pleasant if she is a closed chapter in your life.


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## SpinyNorman

NextTimeAround said:


> Think about what could await you if you went through that rigmarole called "being just friends." She would hassle you to invite her somewhere. To meet your friends and then pick them off so you never hear from them again.
> 
> And also *if have any suspicions of anyone that you remained friends with still considers her a friend, drop them immediately.* All that they're going to do is play informant. Give her the "right of first refusal" if they're ever planning an activity; let you know of what you're missing; and they will keep you informed about her. Anything they want to tell you, they will probably insist upon seeing you, so that they can also watch you react to the news. Just accept that there are some people who crave drama and try to insert themselves where ever they can.
> 
> You don't need to explain. Just calmly freeze them out.


Yes, give her the power to destroy your friendships, that will fix her. And you won't seem at all insecure.


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## DownByTheRiver

I think sentimentality makes people say things like that. reality sits in when one or both of you starts dating other people because no one is going to put up with who they're dating trying to be friends with their EX. Plus you're both probably going to get some resentment when the other starts dating. So that usually falls apart.. it's probably best just to keep communication to about the kids and stay out of each other's personal lives.


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## hairyhead

She wants your agreement to remain friends to salve her conscience.

Your choice as to whether she deserves that.

I'd struggle.


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## Lostinthought61

Dweezil111 said:


> It destroyed me when I found out she was with someone else. I was in therapy for a long time trying to learn how to deal with it. I've never had an affair, I could never bring myself to do it.


Honestly I think the reason she wants to be friends is that she will feel less guilty for cheating....but the question you have to ask yourself is whether you want to friends with a cheater....may I ask why you have to leave the house.


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## ABHale

Why are you moving out if she is the one to have the affair?

Tell the cheater she can leave when ever she wants or just sell the home.


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## AGoodFlogging

God cheaters are so predictable! TAM sniffed it out right away "I love you but I'm not in love with you"...

Say whatever will get you the best deal when you divorce then do what you want. She deserves no honesty or openness from you. Tell her what she wants to here and make no firm commitments.

Don't move out, don't make any major financial decisions until you have seen a lawyer.


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## RandomDude

Ex-wife and I have our own partners now and still friends, our partners even acquainted with each other's partners. But it's not a big happy family, we keep our distance and live our own lives. Just doesn't have to be awkward or dramas, and we have to deal with each other because of our daughter.


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## Hiner112

If you do decide to stay in contact, "Conscious Uncoupling" is a book / process that can help keep things civil and move the relationship from couple to civil. Personally, I don't associate much with cheaters at all anyway and I probably wouldn't maintain contact with someone that cheated on me specifically. I would stay civil if we had kids but would only maintain contact as long as it was necessary and it would be for the kids and not for her or the relationship.


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## Diana7

My husbands ex wanted them to remain friends even though she was seeing another man and divorcing him. She basically just wanted him to do things for her like sort out her loft and do her paperwork. By this time we had met and he realised that she hadnt cut the ties so he did. They have had no contact since and that is after 15 years.
I have no idea why anyone would want to remain friends with someone who lied, cheated and deceived. You didnt mention children but if there arent any or if they are in their mid to late teens or 20's there is no need at all to see each other again except for maybe the childrens weddings. I guarantee that if you meet anyone else she will not want that either.
Oh and BTW how VERY kind of her to let you stay in the house that belongs to BOTH of you. She is cheating, she needs to leave.


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## Spicy

We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


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## Diana7

Spicy said:


> We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


If there are young children you do need to remain civil, in my husband's case both boys were older, 17 and 21 so no need for he and his ex wife have contact.


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## Cooper

I remember while going thru divorce my cheating wife gave me the "I hope we can stay friends line". I just laughed at her, told her to take a good look at my circle of friends. They are trustworthy, dependable, hard working, responsible, loyal and ethical people. I told her she is not the type of person I would ever be friends with.

So OP ask yourself, if she's deceitful enough to cheat and lie to her husband, are those the kind of traits you want in a friend?


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## ConanHub

Dweezil111 said:


> So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


Andy claims your wife cheated. He is pretty observant so I will go with it.

I'm not friends with remorseless cheaters and I don't think you should be either.

Reformed cheaters are fine because everyone has done something they learn to regret and change for the better afterwards but your wife isn't sorry or changing for the better.

Blow her world up and don't move out of your house.

She should move in with her walking dildo and you shouldn't have anything other than law required interaction with the backstabbing wench.


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## VladDracul

Dweezil111 said:


> It destroyed me when I found out she was with someone else. I was in therapy for a long time trying to learn how to deal with it. I've never had an affair, I could never bring myself to do it.


It didn't destroy you Dawg. You're still here. My question is what's the motive for staying "friends" and why is she winding up with the house? What other jointly owned assets is she going to walk away with? Sides that, you know in your heart that when the divorce is official, her marriage to you is out of the way, and Peter moves in with her, your "friendship" with her is over and done with. Ain't gonna be no hanging out together and bullshytting over the phone. You need to quit being stuck as the guy left holding the bag my man.


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## Evinrude58

I’ve stabbed you in the back and ****ed up your future with no remorse. I’ve told lies about you to keep people we both know from being privy to what a disloyal ***** I am. I’ve kicked you out of your own house, and I am banging another dude and laughing at how you keep hanging on to any breadcrumbs I throw your way. Your self esteem has been trashed because I have made you doubt everything you thought about yourself.
Now that I’ve done all these things, I want you to think I still care about you enough to treat you fairly in the divorce, although in truth, your value to me is less than a piece of chewed gum I stuck on a tree limb. Then I can take full advantage of your desire to have some connection to me and exploit that weakness to take full advantage of said feelings to get more than I deserve in the divorce. I don’t care if you sleep in a cardboard box after I’ve fully extracted your soul, if possible.

Sooooooooooo........ wanna be friends hun?

For you to even consider being friends with such a person, shows you need some help regaining your identity.

In case you can’t tell, my suggestion is no, you don’t wanna be friends with her.


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## sokillme

Spicy said:


> We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


I forget did he cheat in your situation?


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## hamadryad

Spicy said:


> We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


This is key...

If there are kids involved it's best to stay civil and somewhat friendly...Just makes everything easier and less stressful for the kids...In these cases, its almost impossible to cut all ties, so some degree of tolerance is necessary,..

If there are no kids involved then you don't really "owe" her friendship....If you think it would benefit you to remain friendly, then do it....If not, then just move on with your life and let her live hers....You don't have to hate her, that only causes you unnecessary mind space and aggravation, but you certainly aren't under any obligation to be friendly.....At that point, if it's not about any marital loose ends(although those should be all tidied by the time d is final) then just ignore her and she'll go away...


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## NextTimeAround

SpinyNorman said:


> Yes, give her the power to destroy your friendships, that will fix her. And you won't seem at all insecure.


Funny you should say that. If someone wants to remain friends with your ex or with both of you, what do YOU do?

It's best to choose the path of least resistance, drama and agro. You certainly can't make someone NOT be friends with your ex. And you can't insure whether they will gossip about or even innocently drop some the importance of which they weren't aware of. 

But if you like knowing when an ex is invited to a "friend's" party and you're not and so on, thencarry on.


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## SpinyNorman

NextTimeAround said:


> Funny you should say that. If someone wants to remain friends with your ex or with both of you, what do YOU do?


 Remember that it's frankly none of my business? This has happened to me, it bothered me not.


> It's best to choose the path of least resistance, drama and agro. You certainly can't make someone NOT be friends with your ex. And you can't insure whether they will gossip about or even innocently drop some the importance of which they weren't aware of.


 If this is supposed to worry me, it doesn't. If a friend becomes aggravating, I will address it, and/or diminish or end the friendship, but not preemptively.


> But if you like knowing when an ex is invited to a "friend's" party and you're not and so on, thencarry on.


 I don't have the kind of friends who would invite me anywhere after I told them who they were allowed to be friends with, nor do I care to have the other kind.


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## lifeistooshort

Spicy said:


> We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


I am friendly with my boys father, but I wouldn't say we're friends. I talk to him where the boys are concerned, which is less then it used to be because they're older now.

When I have reason to see or speak to him we're perfectly friendly, and that is good for our boys. But we don't talk otherwise so we're not friends....I feel that is appropriate.

Full disclosure though....he did text me a couple of months ago to ask if I thought he should sell some stock because he knows I follow these things. That's not kid related, but it is business related. I told him to buy this stock and he did....he made a good chunk on it thanks to the advice of yours truly 😁


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## hinterdir

Dweezil111 said:


> So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


Do you have children together?

If not....I never saw any point in having any contact with exes after break ups. I have my buds/friends and I have my romantic life. If the journey with one romantic partner came to an end I moved on....I kept hanging with friends/buds and looked for another romantic mate. I saw no reason to keep an ex around as a "friend". I have my friends already. I can be civil with an ex but once we are over I really never saw any reason to have to interact with her again.

I'd say hello if I passed her on the street but I'm not going to be calling her and meeting her for coffee or dinner or hanging out socially with her. 

On the same token I've never been one to date women seriously who kept ex lovers around in their life and would meet them for lunch and text all the time or ever hang out with socially because they are still "friends". I would have stopped dating that type. Seems like our boundaries didn't line up.


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## Laurentium

lifeistooshort said:


> I am friendly with my boys father, but I wouldn't say we're friends.


Yeah, "friendly but not friends" seems ideal.


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## Blondilocks

Spicy said:


> We remained friends, and it has been very good for us, and our children,


Gently, it hasn't been so good for your second marriage.


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## AGoodFlogging

Laurentium said:


> Yeah, "friendly but not friends" seems ideal.


Acquaintances, it is the very definition of the arrangement that should be aimed for.

Someone you know and are perfectly pleasant to in social settings but that you have a significant personal distance with and lack of involvement in their personal lives (obviously beyond the kids).


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## LosingHim

As someone who is divorced and has had 15 years of fighting with an ex – I would say strive to be friend-LY but you don’t have to be friends.


Any time anything has come up with my 2 oldest kids, it has led to knock down drag out screaming matches with my ex husband. It doesn’t help that my husband hates him and his new wife and I don’t get along either. 15 years of tense situations is a really long time. Kids pick up on that. It causes resentments that come through in every day life. It leads to arguments that don’t need to be had. It puts the kids in the middle no matter how hard you try for it not to.


You don’t have to be BFF’s and hang out on the weekends. But you can certainly remain on cordial terms, regardless of the cheating. It happened, it hurts, it sucks, it messes you up, but at the end of the day you can’t go back and change that it happened so holding on to the anger and projecting that on STBX honestly just makes you that much more miserable.


My ex husband and I have honestly only been able to have decent conversations since COVID. A ton of things changed with the kids so we finally had to find a way to compromise. And we’re FINALLY decent coparents. There has been a lot going on with both kids due to Covid and some other stuff and we now finally talk about once a week for half hour – 45 minutes or so and are able to actually see eye to eye on some things and come to agreements without screaming. It’s great where the kids are concerned, but I certainly feel some regrets we couldn’t get to this point 15 years ago. At the end of the day, we both moved on really quickly and had no feelings left. There’s no reason we couldn’t have reached a friendly relationship with common goals with the kids a LOT sooner than we did.


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## Talker67

actually, i have seen divorced people who remained friends. 
i guess it is better than becoming bitter enemies!
and if there are kids, it really helps on birthdays and holidays...you can have dinner over at their house with the kids.

I think it does help if you both remarry...that way psychologically there is not envy of the other spouse being married and happy, while they are having a tougher time.


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## Real talk

Did I just read she's *letting* you stay in your own house?


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## Dedicated2Her

Dweezil111 said:


> So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


It's possible, however, I wouldn't suggest it. I've found the best place is "acquaintance with healthy boundries". You can be cordial, but stay away from anything emotionally connecting. Being friends requires trust along with some sort of emotional bond. You can't have that in your scenario, but you can be nice.


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## DownByTheRiver

It's usually not practical for any length of time. I mean, if either of you remarry or try to have a serious partner, they aren't going to put up with it. And the truth is, if either of you didn't want to divorce, then that's just going to prolong the agony. I mean, I stayed acquaintances with a couple of old boyfriends, but only after a pretty good long break first. Even then, it is more friendly acquaintances. So if you are not wanting to break up, don't agree to be friends. It will hold you back. It will keep both of you from being able to keep a new man or woman, mostly likely, unless they get ahold of someone who is superhumanly secure, and they are out there but they're as rare as white buffalo. 

If you really do want to get back together, your best strategy is to cut her off completely so she has to miss the part of you she wants to keep. But even that doesn't mean you wouldn't face the same progression of events if you tried again. You would.


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## AlanParker1989

NO no no and again no. People just physically cannot be friends, after a breakup, this will only aggravate the situation and you will not be able to start a new life. You need to forget everything and just move on! You will succeed!


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## Marc878

lifeistooshort said:


> Also, consider that eventually you may find someone else who is not ok with you being friends with your ex.


Great point. No one wants an X In the mix.


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## marko polo

There is no goodbye like an Irish Goodbye. Especially for a wayward spouse.

Your ex wife wants to remain friends for one reason. She needs you around as a back up plan in case the man she chose to replace you doesn't work out.

Make whatever empty promise to her that will keep the present situation cordial. Would recommend you quietly fade away or be too busy to talk or spend time with her once you are free. If your wife was genuinely capable of being your friend she would not have chosen to pursue a relationship with another man while married to you.


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## SpinyNorman

AlanParker1989 said:


> NO no no and again no. *People just physically cannot be friends, after a breakup,* this will only aggravate the situation and you will not be able to start a new life. You need to forget everything and just move on! You will succeed!


Not all people are the same.


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## Evinrude58

My suggestion: Be friends with people who have the same values as you do. If you don’t value loyalty, of course be friends with your wife. If you do, stick to putting your time into people of character.


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## bobsmith

LOL, I got that line from ex yrs ago. That bich could not understand why I didn't want to be friendzies. Dude, go back to collect your sack from the ex, and reclaim who you are. Kick HER out, do NOT be friends EVER, and move TF on! Women today are adorned with options....Options that a high percentage play out. I won't trust one of them. Learn that, and quickly. They are masters of deception and lying........


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## Laurentium

Dedicated2Her said:


> I've found the best place is "acquaintance with healthy boundaries". You can be cordial, but stay away from anything emotionally connecting. Being friends requires trust along with some sort of emotional bond. You can't have that in your scenario, but you can be nice.


Good summary


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## Marc878

Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.


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## BURNT KEP

First thing don’t you dare move out it’s your house also. And let her think you will be beaties if it gets you favorable terms in your divorce.


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## NicoleT

Dweezil111 said:


> So my wife of 21 years told me she wasn't romantically in love with me anymore. I will admit that I have done some looking back and realized that we had been growing apart. I have come to terms with the fact that divorce is now inevitable. She told me she still loves me, just not in the same way she used to and that she wants to remain friends after I move out. She is letting me stay in the house we have together until I find a new place. I guess my main question is, is it possible to remain friends after the I move out and the divorce is final? We have been civil to each other and still go places together although not as much as before.


In my opinion, it would be nice if you could, if that's what you want. Your heart may be broken, despite you say you have accepted the inevitable. After sharing so much time space and history, its sad that most ending marriages are so bitter, ugly, angry, dark. Maybe it requires a certain level of maturity from both sides to achieve. It cant be good to be going through this though, I'm sorry you're here. How are you coping?


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## NicoleT

NicoleT said:


> Sorry you are here.


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## Evinrude58

NicoleT said:


> In my opinion, it would be nice if you could, if that's what you want. Your heart may be broken, despite you say you have accepted the inevitable. After sharing so much time space and history, its sad that most ending marriages are so bitter, ugly, angry, dark. Maybe it requires a certain level of maturity from both sides to achieve. It cant be good to be going through this though, I'm sorry you're here. How are you coping?


It definitely takes a certain level of maturity to stay friends with a selfish cheater. Also a certain level of insecurity and self hatred.

this guy should ghost her.


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## MattMatt

Zombie cat hiss ruled.


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