# The man she almost married



## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

First time here... Need help.
My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago. I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.

I did all the fix it things...lost 42 lbs, hit the gym, started dating, joined match, reworked my wardrobe, vacationed by myself... 

Now her R flamed out and we started dating again... But NO sex.

She says she needs to figure out how she got there etc etc.

Should I just be patient and let it work out? Or am I being a doormat?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Strictly from the little you wrote, and if you haven't made any demands - looks like doormat. 

She was with you for 12 yrs! Then just left with the famous words "ILYBNILWY"

If she's not in love with you then you're a way-station. A plan B, and a temporary one at that. Do you know what happened with her and the old flame? Did he dump her? Cheat on her? Get tired of the same ol' sex positions? Drain her bank acct? 

How old are you? Her? the OM?

If you want to keep dating her - no biggie, but don't make it exclusive for a looooonnnnnng time. Keep your eyes open for other opportunities and don't be coy about it with her.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Yea hate to say it but this is a case of returning to plan B while she sorts things out. Probably she was dumped when he realized why it didn’t work out 35 yrs ago. I would explore the options, if she did this once she will do it again…….. don’t let her use you.


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## Wantstounderstand (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm sorry you find yourself here and this has happened to you. 

For what you just wrote I'm sorry but you are being a doormat. The no sex is a huge red flag, she may still be hoping to work things out with OM and is dating you to keep all her options open in case things are really over with OM. 

Have you demanded she has no contact with OM?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

GF of 12 years and no ring? Sorry to say, but this relationship was dead in the water marriage wise

This is probably for the best.

Also, she left you and you let her waltz back into your life. Do you honestly think she won't do this again? She plan B'd you big time. Things didn't work out so she resettled, and you allowed this. She pretty much keeps your balls in her purse at this point, and you're not even getting any sex. 

Relationship is a toxic one, dump her and be glad you didn't marry her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Well, see how it goes. Counselling would be an option. 

If he came back on the scene, would she do the same thing, again?


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

I do know what happened to them...two weeks from the alter she broke it off. Her family was happy saying she was too young. (18). Then she got moved away and went to school and got a degree, got a husband, got a kid, and then met me... I hired her to work at my company. We both got divorces and began living together. That was 12 Years ago. 
Then she used Facebook to contact him last year. They started a EA for three weeks before I got wind of it. Got the records of all the hours spent texting and calling while I was out of sight.

Confronted her...and moved out.

We are both in our late 50s ( as is he).

Problem is we still work together..We see each other every day at work.. I still want her (chump?). She say she knows the OM was a fairy tale that wasn't ment to be. She says she knows I am right for her. 

She just wants to be friends. Says she wants to rekindle the way it was when we first met. That was three months ago and I've been a good the friend during the day and gone home after dark...

Going out of my mind... What can be going on in that brain of hers?

Should I stay or should I go...


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

So now she did the same thing to you that she did to her ex to be with you. I would go and don't look back, that pattern will continue.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Twice said:


> She just wants to be friends. Says *she wants to rekindle the way it was when we first met*. That was three months ago and I've been a good the friend during the day and gone home after dark...


I asume she means when you were both married and having an work affair. Of course it was all exciting, new... better than with betrayed spouses, all the bull affairs provide.
Seem she's adicted to it. No wonder your gut screamed so early on.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

"Man she almost married"

That would be what she said.

Do you know this for sure? There may be more men she almost got married. Men with whom she almost got to the stage of kissing. Hanging out. Hooking up. Laying down. Pants off.

She just left you for a man from 35 years ago? And I guess on a very short notice at that?

Not just a doormat I'd say, but now, you don't exist as far as she's concerned.

"She says she knows I'm right for her"

Leave and come back when things don't work out. And a was-a-teenager-long-long-ago doing this. People of the planet earth never cease to amaze me.

I would agree with Kasler and give advice toward a dumping process.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Sounds like she's pulling some bullsh!t

You might have the heart to forgive her but I sure wouldn't.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Should I stay or should I go...

If you go there will be trouble; if you stay it will be double


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

So I am feeling like I am plan b....too easy. Too convenient....


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So you were her guy after D. When did that start up ? When she was fully D or was she still married to H?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

She obviously doesn't love you. I would say you haven't come close to being upgraded to doormat status yet. Of course it may be because you are so needy and clingy? You know that makes a woman throw up , right?

Right for her means you may be all she thinks she can get at this late stage.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Twice said:


> So I am feeling like I am plan b....too easy. Too convenient....


Now you're gettin'it!

I think you would get more honesty and genuine affection from a paid escort. And cheaper in the long run.

Did she say why things didn't wotk out w the ol'flame?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Twice said:


> First time here... Need help.
> 
> My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago. I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.
> 
> ...


Yes, you're being a doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

Twice said:


> First time here... Need help.
> 
> My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago. I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.
> 
> ...



They either want it or don't. Don't think patience will help it. Perhaps you can shift gears or something.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey twice---1st she left her 1st lover at the alter---then she left her H, for you----was that an A.----was you leaving your wife an A.

Now she walks on you ---saying I am going back to my 1st lover

HOW MUCH COULD SHE LOVE YOU---not much I would guess----why is she back---are you the bank---she CANNOT BE BACK CUZ SHE LOVES YOU-----if she loved you, she wouldn't have gone in the 1st place.

12 yrs with her, and no mge---WHY IS THAT????

Biggest thing---you are close to your 60's---once you get there and retire---into your 70's, and 80's---you will spend ALL YOUR TIME TOGETHER---its the way it is, when you hit those ages----are you sure either of you can even handle, something like that???????


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Are you 2 living together now,is she getting any benefits like free stuff/gifts from you while doing this no sex dating?She could be using you just for $.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

So maybe some more info will help....

We live separately but work together. She and I spend most of our free time together. 

When I ask her what she's thinking now she says she's trying to sort out all the things that happened.

She says we are spending all this time together to try to rekindle the R, but intimacy isn't back yet. 

I know she wants to be with me but she won't take it to the next level.... I'm not sure why. 

I've been to MC with her. She's gone alone. The effort is there. Just not the results I'm looking for.

What im hearing is: Needs more time, look how far we've come, things are a lot better than before, be patient, can't do more than this right away....

She has not seen the OM in 4 months (he's five states away) and claims they are done...

Does that sound like a women trying to make this work, or someone who is still heading the other way?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Look, the only kind of people who cheat on their significant others are people who don't respect their spouses. Without respect you can't really love a person. Your girlfriend is a serial cheater. She did it with you she did it to you. You're not married and that reduces the complexity of the decision to walk. So walk, go find a better woman. And a little advice on the side, don't have LTRs or marry people you cheat with.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Forget her, and what she thinks

You tell us, those on this thread---WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE WITH THIS WOMAN

You have been with her for 12 yrs, and you ain't married----SHE JUST LEFT YOU TO BE WITH AN OLD LOVER

What is it that would make you even, wanna look at her



DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND---let me repeat---she left your 12 yr relationship TO BE WITH ANOTHER MAN

Why do you want to spend the rest of your life with her---do you think for one minute---your sub--conscious won't haunt you-------do you like misery----why DO YOU, want to be with this cheating woman????????


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Twice said:


> So maybe some more info will help....
> 
> We live separately but work together. She and I spend most of our free time together.
> 
> ...


It amazes me how people use emotion is a cover for talking complete BS!! *not you OP but your partner*

So you get the ILYBNILWY. So in her head, prior to the break-up and moving out she had already decided she wasn't in love, you know the usual excuses, no passion, feels more like friendship etc etc. So in her head she's essentially relegated you to friendzone and OM effectively gains higher status while you lose yours.

So after probably sleeping with him, doing all the stuff you know they did without a guilty conscience, their relationship flames out and she comes back to you. So magically she's supposed to find love with you again? Your status won't increase in her mind because that has already been taken by OM. Any respect she might have had for you i.e. getting yourself together, losing weight etc is immediately wiped out the second you take her back so easily. Why not. She can leave you, go sleep with someone else, when that high rank person doesn't value her she goes to the first person whom she feels can raise her value. YOU.

So no sex. Not surprising. If OM comes back on the scene you're immediately at a disadvantage because she sees it as almost cheating on him to sleep with you. Right now she's not doing anything wrong. You are together, you may kiss but she wont cross the line. This finding herself or this regaining the spark is pure BS talk. Her spark is for OM not for you.

You managed to raise your value but then you messed up by taking her back so easy. You tell her to go find herself but to do it alone. You're going to go on dates with other women and find YOURSELF! Raise your value, let her see that you're not easy to get and worth fighting for and in the process you destroy OM rank and reclaim your status. STOP BEING A DOORMAT!!


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You won't want to hear this, but here goes. Ditch her. Completely, and in every way. Liquidate any common property, separate your finances completely. Fire her.

Get her out of your life, and focus on becoming a better person. One worth having. The implication from what you've written is that you are not. You have the power to change that.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Twice said:


> Should I just be patient and let it work out? Or am I being a doormat?


You're being a doormat. You should start hustling phone numbers of other babes and let her be a casual date (if even that) when you cannot find something better to do.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Twice said:


> First time here... Need help.
> 
> My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago. I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.
> 
> ...


Let her go. Move on. Do NOT wait for her.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Eject,Eject,Eject! Hello, What are you thinking? You can't do better than that? Come on now, she showed her true self, tell her to hit the bricks.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

What is your plan when she finds someone that does light her fire?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Several have asked and I don't see where you answered. Why are you not married after 12 years? Were you both ok with that or did you discuss it? I ask because I can easily envision a scenario where a woman is po'd after so long with no ring. Either way the relationship is probably over. Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Twice said:


> So maybe some more info will help....
> 
> We live separately but work together. She and I spend most of our free time together.
> 
> ...


This sounds like a woman who has you so that she isn't alone, but still wants to keep her options open.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You have avoided answering the most crucial question. Why did you go with her for twelve years with out marrying her. Yo do realize, unless she did not wnat to get married, that you were, in effect, telling her she wasn't good enough to marry. Someone else came along and she does not want to grow old alone.

Why/how have you allowed her to continue to work for you?

It looks like you are intentionally leaving out a lot of info.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Doormat and monkey-branch.

A serial monkey-brancher reaches out for the next relationship while still holding onto the last one for security. Then swings from that one to the next branch.

They're without conscience, but cover up ther malicious behavior by saying that they are letting the first guy down "easy" or saying how she's "trying to sort things out" or some other ludicrous thing to excuse using one man while recruiting the next. 

Iif you want to know what she'll be like with the next guy then just look at what she did to her husband while having an affair with you. It was all so exciting and the sex was wonderful. Telling you how dissatisfied with her husband she was and denying him in the bedroom. 

But this new guy turned her down. So she had to return to the last monkey branch because there's no new one out there to grab onto. A monkey-brancher can never be alone.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> Now her R flamed out and we started dating again... But NO sex.


dude..... SERIOUSLY?




> Should I just be patient and let it work out? *Or am I being a doormat*?


sure looks that way.




> We are both in our late 50s ( as is he).


these people really need to grow the f*ck up, already.


listen, it seems like your GF- or whatever you call her these days -lacks maturity. at 50, it's really very disturbing that she still doesn't know what she wants. 

i think your're clinging to straws here because you don't want to end up alone at this stage in your life. you're settling for this woman at the expense of your self-respect and dignity. 

don't you think your worth more than this? just sayin'.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Let me tell you right now that you aren't going to like this post.

Actually, the most important question to me isn't 'why didn't you marry her'; it's 'did you jetison your marriages to be together'?

But that is very embarassing to answer, so we shall let it lie...except as a data point of how she's treated ALL her relationships.

So...here are a couple of questions:

Do you think the OM, from 5 states away had to wait for her to 'feel the urge'?

Did she quit her job when she move 5 states away or was she able to continue to commute? So she treated your relationship AND your livlihood with contempt...yes?

Did you, like a great big dummy, take her back into her prior position with the same pay, benefits, retirement and seniority?

If this is so, do you _really wonder_ why she's back?


Now, let me give you two sets of numbers:

One HUNDRED four THOUSAND, eight hundred and thirty two.

*104,832*

Next is 378.

The first is the number of hours you have spent time with this woman. It's you putting up with her sh*t...paying her salary, doing the things she wants to do. Those vacations you had together (how many went to places YOU wanted to go? How equal were the decisions this way?) The clothes she bought. The thousands of little couple things you shared. Coffee in the park. Walks along trails, beaches and streets. Plays and movies shared. Intimate moments.

The second it how many hours she needed to leave you for her fantasy and become so emotionally disconnected from you that now she can't even take one for the team for you, sexwise. (I removed 6 hours of sleep a day.)


Here is the part you REALLY don't want to hear.

You are making every excuse in the book to stay with her. Affirmations of desire mean nothing, and at this age, if she is 'broken' she ain't going to be fixed. She is what she is.

So she has your number and you are a willing participant in being used...except you haven't outlined exactly what benefit you are getting except not having to get off your ass and finding one of the PLENTIFUL and AVAILABLE widows and divorcees in your age bracket! I mean, yeah, you got that wonderful "Liza Minelli I married a remarkable gay man to keep me entertained" thing going on...but is that what you really want?

I want someone who wants me...not who is there because he's easy, a paycheck and comfortable. WANT...as in CRAVE...and in DESIRES...

Does this describe her? Or is she someone trying to gather enough shreds of legitimate emotion to try to rebuild a bridge she willfully burned down herself?

If she was a vendor and treated your business this way in business, how would you respond? 

But the heart wants what the heart wants. You want to be with her and hope her loins rekindle...good luck.

I personally would make a mental deadline (let's call it POGO) for how long she has to get her head together. Otherwise, she's stringing you along.

Now, I wouldn't be so quick to think that she's going to jump ship at the first available Free Willy. But is that a function of feelings or demographics and career options for a near 60 year old woman?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It sounds to me like she's treading water. The no sex could be so as not to complicate things, but it could also be so that she will feel no guilt when she leaves you again for someone else.

If someone did this to me after 12 years, I would be very wary of giving them a second shot at me.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> I know she wants to be with me but she won't take it to the next level.... I'm not sure why.


So why are you posting here again? Actions speak louder then words. Your hanging in there to be plan B. Is this the only woman you feel you can date? She is stringing you along because your the safety net. Where is your self respect?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Twice said:


> My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago... her R flamed out and we started dating again... But NO sex....*am I being a doormat?*


Yes.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

He didn't wife her cause...

A. She hinted that she didn't want it.

B. He saw her other 2 failed attempts and figured... i'm not going down that road with her, she's obviously not wife material.

Run Forrest Run.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> So why are you posting here again? Actions speak louder then words. Your hanging in there to be plan B. Is this the only woman you feel you can date? She is stringing you along because your the safety net. Where is your self respect?


If any self respect was had, most of it has been "drunk" out of him.... It's a miracle how correct decision making can return that self respect so quickly.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Twice said:


> So I am feeling like I am plan b....too easy. Too convenient....


You are, you are there for emotional support until something better comes along.

Maintaining the status quo won't rekindle anything. You want to get her attention? Dump her and make her beg for you to take her back. We want what we can't have and don't appreciate what comes easy.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> You are, you are there for emotional support until something better comes along.
> 
> Maintaining the status quo won't rekindle anything. You want to get her attention? Dump her and make her beg for you to take her back. We want what we can't have and don't appreciate what comes easy.


We know logically you want to show her you love her more and will be there for her through thick and thin. And this is a brutal situation your hanging in there for.

However, that's not how the psychology of this particular situation works out. You have to learn. You are paying her for her behavior by staying in for her and treating her well. So she will come to expect this is the proper balance, and any other ratio is incorrect.

Your restore balance by breaking it off and pulling back, and only restoring it when the balance is corrected. Most of us on this website aren't promoting unhealthy selfish balances for the other person, but we are also not tolerating unhealthy balances against you. The right balance is you both take care of each other because you want to, and it's not strained, contrived or anything else.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

CHUMP!

You said it yourself and I have to confirm it. Stop wasting your emotional energy on this woman who doesn't love you. She is just using you. Get out and find someone that actually loves you and with whom you can have an emotional AND physical connection. I would just ignore your wayward ex-girlfriend.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Strictly from the little you wrote, and if you haven't made any demands - looks like doormat.
> 
> She was with you for 12 yrs! Then just left with the famous words "ILYBNILWY"
> 
> ...


This must be quoted..

Honestly I would say find someone new..


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I think the healthiest option for you is ...yeah...she's comfortable.  She's your old shoe. You already have everything settled. Know who she is.

You have no idea what kind of psychopath you will get in the mature dating pool...and there are probably a lot of them. Instead, you got the psychopath you already know 

You say you work together and spend every minute with each other.

I say that is the wrong WRONG way to do it.

It doesn't bother me (much) that you are dating her again. What you are trying to do is ramrod her back into what you had for 12 years.

Ship=Sailed

Horse= out of barn

Bridge= Burned.

So...STOP spending every minute with her. Stop doing MC with her. Just...stop! Not being with her. You give me the vibe you don't really want that.

But you are not holding her to ANY sort of verification after she already pissed on your leg once. That is NOT cool. 

Have a bit of fun occasionally with her. Movies. A bit of dinner. Because this constant reminder of 'when is she going to put out' is driving you to desperation and, dare I say, clingy neediness which is very unmanly and depressing.

If you were my friend, I'd give you the same advice. In fact, I _*have*_ given my friends similar advice!

Let her figure out what she wants. Pay her salary, not her lifestyle and emotional bill.

See...you never made vows to her. And she certainly hasn't kept any implied vows to you.

So KEEP IT CASUAL! Distance yourself from her a bit emotionally...because god knows she's already there.

Plus, as a side benefit, she might pull her head out of her ass a lot quicker if you are less of a sure thing.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

F-102 said:


> This sounds like a woman who has you so that she isn't alone, but still wants to keep her options open.


:iagree:



Picture yourself marrying her, being happy, 10 years, 3-5 kids, but know that you were 10th best. Realizing that you were the only one to take her back would be better than living a life alone.


Move on, you had enough closure the first time around.

You OBVIOUSLY were not motivated enough by her because it took her DUMPING YOU to realize you need to work out, lose 50 lbs, stay in shape, grow up, etc etc etc etc.

You do not like this woman. Please surpass your PREVIOUS self. You have already upgraded yourself, so upgrade your partner. You've been there, done that, walked that path.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are being a doormat.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

You love her and want her. Women want what they can't have. 

My suggestion is to continue doing what you were doing when she left. Keep your profile on Match and continue to meet other women. Continue to work on yourself. You lost 42 lbs, if you need to lose more, keep working on it.

Be friends with her at work, but be unavailable afterwards. Agree with her that you can be friends. 

Once she sees that you are improving yourself and looking at options, she will probably all of a sudden decide she is ready to become more serious.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

SadSamIAm said:


> You love her and want her. Women want what they can't have.
> 
> My suggestion is to continue doing what you were doing when she left. Keep your profile on Match and continue to meet other women. Continue to work on yourself. You lost 42 lbs, if you need to lose more, keep working on it.
> 
> ...


It is true. They want what they can't "have" or what is not "easy" for them to get. I'm a man, if I know I can't have it I don't waste my energy "wanting" it, it's a waste of time and energy.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

DaddyLongShanks said:


> It is true. They want what they can't "have" or what is not "easy" for them to get. I'm a man, if I know I can't have it I don't waste my energy "wanting" it, it's a waste of time and energy.


And yet we make movies about men who DO want what they can't have...and move Heaven and Earth to get it. Thinking of 'Rudy' among others.

Threadjack over.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

RUN!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Why on earth would you waste another 12 minutes let alone another 12 years on a woman in her 50's who still cannot figure out herself or who she wants to be with.

Move on.

And if you can fire her you should. Do it for her.

Give her the kick in the butt she needs and deserves....


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

JCD said:


> And yet we make movies about men who DO want what they can't have...and move Heaven and Earth to get it. Thinking of 'Rudy' among others.
> 
> Threadjack over.


If he couldn't have had it he wouldn't have been able to get it.

In my example it's a person who says "I would never want you", no matter what you do, I wouldn't want them anymore, even if they were awestruck later down the line.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Twice said:


> .
> 
> Should I just be patient and let it work out? Or am I being a doormat?


Doormat.

She's put you through hell and you want to know if you should "just be patient"?

She STILL can't commit to you after dumping you for her ex and coming back?

Kick to the curb.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

So what do you want to be when you grow up? Your in your 50's and you don't know to go to a 55 and older park and meet some women at the Saturday Dance and BBQ. Come on now, this is NOT hard.

Yes, you are a DOORMAT for this other woman. You are too easy for her to respect you. Dump her........Just in case your hearing is a little off! DUMP HER! Do not talk to her, just walk away from her.

I will bet that if you live in a normal sized town in the USA, you could find ten older women that you find attractive in one week.
Go out and live and dump the boat anchor. Good luck David


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

He has not been back.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Consider her dumped... Just gotta deal with the 9 to 5... Back on Match, back in the gym, back to holding my head up.

Thanks for all the clarity...


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Smart move the future just got brighter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Twice said:


> Consider her dumped... Just gotta deal with the 9 to 5... Back on Match, back in the gym, back to holding my head up.
> 
> Thanks for all the clarity...


Is she still working for you?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Maybe her last guy gave her an std. In any event you came in a distant second. Now go have some fun.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Now why do you still have to deal with her at work?


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## LongRoadtoRuin (Apr 3, 2013)

I have edited this so many times to try to get it right...lol here goes

Instead of saying that she "knows your right for her" (clearly you are cuz you believe that this is a pattern that MIGHT not continue), she should be doing and saying everything to convince you that SHE IS RIGHT FOR YOU!


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

After reading all the replys to my story I can now see a lot clearer...

Only wish I had found this site a year ago...

So you understand: my GF and I own the company 50/50 and as partners depend on each other to earn a living. The company would cease to exist if either one of us left... So you might say we are stuck with each other financially.

Last year both her best friends died (different reasons, within 6 months of each other). The OM came along at a time when she was vulnerable. She was questioning life, and our R. While that's no excuse for stepping out on our 12 year committed R, it does explain a lot. Call it her mis-life crisis. 

This guy was something unresolved from her past, and she reached out to him to find herself.

Obviously our R was vulnerable to her stepping out. I own 50% of the reasons. I understand what our problems were, and can see how I contributed to the situation. I'm no angel but I never did what she did. I also never thought she would do it either. 

From what I've read here on this sight, that's my first mistake... She did it to her first husband to begin with me, then she did it to me to start with the OM. Shame on my for not seeing that as a possibility.

Although I left my wife to be with her 12 years ago I always thought of our R as "forever". That was my second mistake.

Let me also say, I now realize what my ex wife must have gone through back then. She and I have talked about it recently and after i told her i understand what it must have been like for her, we were able to " bury the hatchet" finally... My two kids are really proud that we are now both able to be civil to each other after all these years.

So lots of good changes have come from this last year since DDay. The weight is still off, I'm in a lot better physical shape then before. But mentally Ive got a LONG way to go...

Now to the current situation: She says she trying to make sense of this last year and wants to take it slow while she figures it all out.... Now before you all start howling at me to run away...remember that the WS has lots of issues too.

For me, and because of all of you and your wisdom and advise, I can now see all the mistakes I've made over this last year.

Let me sum up what I now know:
I should have cut her off from my personal life immediately.
I should have stopped any contact outside the office.
I should NOT have tried to " nice" her back.
I should have not allowed her keep me close while she was with him.
I should have gone out more and tried to meet other women.
I wish I had slammed the door to my heart shut on her a year ago.
I still need to man up and not be so available.
I know now that what I thought would work to get her back had ZERO chance of working.
I have a LONG way to go.
My needs are not being met now.
Until she sees what I went through, she will never be able to meet them.
This is really hard. 
Harder then anything else I've ever done in my life.
I can't do it alone. 
I don't have to do it alone. 
Many have traveled this road before me. 
There's no right or wrong way for this to turn out.
Only I can decide what I want.

I could go on, but I'm exhausted... Mentally drained. 

Let me finish by saying thank you to all of you... You are a "collective epiphany"


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I would say that it's time to dissolve the business partnership and be rid of each other.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Did I understand you right? You ran out on your first wife for this woman and she left her husband for you?


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

We were both in unhappy relationships when we met. I saw in her the women I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... Still do... That's what makes this so hard. She's like a tractor beam. She keeps drawing me in. Just not all the way. 

It's hard decision time....


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Twice said:


> We were both in unhappy relationships when we met.


Where have I heard that before?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Twice said:


> We were both in unhappy relationships when we met. I saw in her the women I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... Still do... That's what makes this so hard. She's like a tractor beam. She keeps drawing me in. Just not all the way.
> 
> It's hard decision time....


You reap what you sow. Oh well, it seems the worm has turned. I hope your first wife found happiness with someone willing to work things out with her instead of running away like you - and your now x2w did. Move on and be true to your commitments from now on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Twice

It is hard decision time.

You both are fence sitting.

Time to get off so you can move forward with your life.

And your list is good.

Keep us posted.

Glad you and your 1st ex can now be amicable.

Apologies go a long ways in life........


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So... You depend on each other fiscally. How did she fulfill her share from 5 states away?

As to your list: are you changing the way you are dealing with her?

Do us a favor and start to pursue at least ONE woman besides her.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is impossible for us to see how your livelihood can be salvaged without her. Perhaps you must stay in this business, perhaps not. But the daily contact will cause you pain so long as you do not have a relationship with another woman. You need to date.

Keep you relationship with your ex GF cordial but professional. If you treat the relationship business like maybe you will also do better at work. You'll be more efficient.

Listening to your description, it sounds like one of you has a skill and the other knows how to market and maintain customer relations. Is that true? Or perhaps you own retail store which requires trustworthy people?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Twice said:


> First time here... Need help.
> My GF of 12 years left me for the man she didn't marry 35 years ago. I got the "In love with you but not in that way" speech. Then we separated. I got my own apt and she started seeing her old flame again. That was a year ago.
> 
> I did all the fix it things...lost 42 lbs, hit the gym, started dating, joined match, reworked my wardrobe, vacationed by myself...
> ...


EDIT: Zombie thread..


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Longwalk,

That's what I love about TAM... People actually read all the threads and show genuine concern when giving advice... Not just glib answers...

It is true... We have a good division of labor that works quite well at work. Dispute the collapse of our personal R we have never stopped earning.

I have been out there dating sporadically (when I'm not draining the bottle) and I've had some success is meeting new women. Most of my friends have fixed me up and the future is looking bright. 

My concern is for the health of my company...despite our differences we have doubled the size of our company in the last year...and things are crazy busy.

I guess I just don't trust her...and was looking for fresh perspective.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Are you and her officially broke up now? Or are you semi-dating with no sex? What's the update?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How are you, Twice? How is she? Are you together, or no?


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Lostviking, mattmatt

We had a few dinners together over the summer, and most ended in a "who did what to whom.." 

I moved out of my buddies office and got a real apartment. Feel like a real person again. Have a kitchen and can cook for the first time in a year. My landlord even fixed me up with one of her single friends.

Oh, and my MC had a book launch party and I met a great lady (second date tomorrow night)...

As for her. Her OM is long gone, and I think the guy she went out with a couple times with is married :rofl: 

Her friends that know me tell me to " get gone" from her... Which is exactly what I am doing....

I'll admit it's hard to go to work each day and see her... But, and this is my ephimamy (sp) ... She dosent look as good to me now that the haze of the relationship has worn off... Not the beauty queen I idolized all these years... Funny how that works...


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I am glad you are dating others and hope you keep your distance from your ex. 

Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior. You do not want to be hurt like that again.

She threw it away. Do not go back.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Twice said:


> She dosent look as good to me now that the haze of the relationship has worn off... Not the beauty queen I idolized all these years... Funny how that works...


Not unexpected. Exactly what folks here were trying to tell you when you first posted.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Good that your company is going well. Keep it amicable. Avoid booze.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

What's that Enya song, Sail away, sail away, sail away. Dude 12 years is a little long. But that being said it's hard to judge her actions based on the situation. If she cheated while you were together, then I could talk, but she left you, to be with this other guy and then tried to come back, that would be doormat, or Plan B scenario. Maybe you two should find other people, I think that might be easier.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Twice said:


> Lostviking, mattmatt
> 
> We had a few dinners together over the summer, and most ended in a "who did what to whom.."
> 
> ...


Eh....that and the knowledge that she is a flake. 

She wanted out of the relationship but didn't have the respect for you or the courage to lay it on the line and tell you she wanted to break it off and start dating other people. She hung onto you as a Plan B, strung you out while she was running around and only broke up with you once you caught her. 

Probably the same thing she did to her ex-husband when she left him for you. 

Now you are seeing the real her and it isn't pretty.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Lv,
Her true character has never been more clear to me then it is now today. As the song goes: I was once blind and now I can see...

I was naive to think that leaving her husband for me back all those years ago was an isolated once in a life time event...true love and all that balloney. I had no idea that there was such a thing as serial cheaters out there.

It never crossed my mine before that the way we met, could end up being the way we parted... In a way I guess I have reaped what I have sowed... Shame on me... Shame on her....

I however have learned from my mistakes. I will never ever view relationships the same way again.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Well, you shouldn't look at relationships the same way again. Back when she left her husband for you, you had the relationship handed to you freely. She made it easy for you. 

But now that you know what it is like to burn and be burned, you can carry some hard-earned wisdom into your next reationship. Try actually going out with an unmarried woman and _cultivating_ a relationship, instead of just stepping into one. 

As for how your ex looks, back when you first met her she was young and hot and had her mojo working. Now she's ten years older, the spread is setting in and the wrinkles are showing. It is going to be harder and harder for her to land a good man. I see a very lonely future for her.


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

Should I even care?

Today I made the mistake so surfing her private email....she left her laptop in my car after we went on an appointment together..

I know have proof she is still having a r with another man. All the gory details of where and when. And yes he's married.

Although I'm not living with her anymore i still have to see her everyday. 

I asked her to look me in the eye an tell me she wasn't having a r with someone. When she lied to my face I said how could you do that when we have a company to run and now I can't trust her.

She called me later after we went home and tried to gaslight me... I cut her off and said I didn't want anything to do with her on a personal level... Just business...

And yet I am mortally wounded.... Again... Feels like DDay all over...

Just venting, trying to find my way in this new development... 

Just having a vodka to purge her...

Help?


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

You need to let her go personally and professionally. If she will screw you over in love just think what she will do to you business wise? I wouldn't trust her with one red cent of my money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Twice said:


> Should I even care?
> 
> Today I made the mistake so surfing her private email....she left her laptop in my car after we went on an appointment together..
> 
> ...


Twice

Does it help you in anyway knowing what you already knew?

If that info does not help with a Divorce then stop looking.

And if her nonsense could hurt your business then create an exit strategy.

Then exit.

But right after that call the OMW so she knows what is going on.

Or if you like drama do it right now......


HM


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## Twice (Mar 31, 2013)

LostViking said:


> You need to let her go personally and professionally. If she will screw you over in love just think what she will do to you business wise? I wouldn't trust her with one red cent of my money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right right Right. Thats the hard reality I'm seeing...my business is in jeopardy as long as she's there... I need to get her out of my life completely... 

I'm gonna suggest seperate offices or seperate schedules for who's in and when... I can't stomach seeing her there... 

Time to put the petal to the metal in the business. I can't buy her out but that dosent mean I have to be in the office when she's there...

Time to 180 her in business!!! Anyone ever done that before? This should be interesting... 

Lord give me strength... I'm ready to do the heavy lifting to get this right, and if it means changing up my livleyhood than let's ROCK...

Cover me boys...lm going in!!!!


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Split the company assets and form two separate LLCs. She manages one and you manage the other. Neither LLC would be liable for gains or losses of the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Any chance of you telling this new OM's wife ?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Dont suggest the move. Demand it. You will not heal otherwise. And i assume you will never be a om again, right?


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## 1812overture (Nov 25, 2013)

I'm a bit confused about how this forum works. Cleary Twice is hurting, and it's good to see concern and comfort. 
But if the wife he left a dozen years ago were here, he'd be the cheating husband, and if his now former girlfriends ex-husband were here, Twice would be the POSOM, if I have the phrase right.
The only thing approaching closure that he offered to his ex-wife came 12 years after he left, when he experienced the same. Wouldn't that be twelve years in the fog? Twelve painful years HE caused his now ex-wife, and probably still counting.
For his ex-wife and his girlfriend's ex-husband, this is the turnabout so often wished for in other threads.
And now Twice should expose his ex-girlfriends current romance with a married man to that man's wife because. . . Twice was so worried about his own wife when he was carrying on his affair? 
I just find it confusing. Is it just strangers who get vilified, or the cheating spouse who identifies himself/herself and comments_ in proximity _to the affair?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Twice said:


> I do know what happened to them...two weeks from the alter she broke it off. Her family was happy saying she was too young. (18). Then she got moved away and went to school and got a degree, got a husband, got a kid, and then met me... I hired her to work at my company. We both got divorces and began living together. That was 12 Years ago.
> Then she used Facebook to contact him last year. They started a EA for three weeks before I got wind of it. Got the records of all the hours spent texting and calling while I was out of sight.
> 
> Confronted her...and moved out.
> ...



She is still romanticizing him. Just a variation on the star-crossed lovers theme. I would advise you to tell her you're not decided on whether you want her back or not. Yes. Lie. And do it convincingly. Tell her that rekindling would be a good idea and that you'll date her along with the "others." If she pursues you then give her a chance. If not, then cut her loose and move on. You deserve someone who is all in.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

This NEVER ends for you, and you can NEVER move on if you are a business partner with her and thus basically see her 5 days a week. This is basically the same as when someone comes here that has a WS involved in a work affair. The first advice always given is that the WS MUST leave the job. PERIOD.

So you have to ask yourself, what do you value more ? Your bank account, or your piece of mind ?

Only you can answer this for yourself.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

1812overture said:


> I'm a bit confused about how this forum works. Cleary Twice is hurting, and it's good to see concern and comfort.
> But if the wife he left a dozen years ago were here, he'd be the cheating husband, and if his now former girlfriends ex-husband were here, Twice would be the POSOM, if I have the phrase right.
> The only thing approaching closure that he offered to his ex-wife came 12 years after he left, when he experienced the same. Wouldn't that be twelve years in the fog? Twelve painful years HE caused his now ex-wife, and probably still counting.
> For his ex-wife and his girlfriend's ex-husband, this is the turnabout so often wished for in other threads.
> ...


We deal with the situation and the person who posts. Even the waywards can ask for help and advice. They are still people after all is said and done. People **** up. Some worse than others. Part of life is dealing, having the grace and the courage to offer compassion, help, maybe even forgiveness. That's also human. It can seem paradoxical, because it is. But there is value to having views from both sides of the equation. And value to doing what you can to help someone who is suffering, even if they might not seem to deserve it.


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