# Can a Hysterectomy turn your wife asexual



## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

I am 58 and my wife is 61 married 35 years.

I am not complaining about not having sex, that's already gone, I have accepted it and things are good between my wife and I. Now that I don't pressure her she is more open and relaxed around me and things are much better. I just want to know if a full hysterectomy can completely kill the libido. 

In my wife's case she says it did and has no thoughts or desire to ever have sex again. It bothers her because she feels she has failed me, however when we tried it was always one sided and pity sex. No passion. She would be talking about the news in the middle of it, asked me if I put my toothbrush up once, and if I tried to arouse her she would tell me to stop, she is only doing this for me. I thought that was cruel, but anyway.

She had no hormone therapy afterwards, she refused it because she said it caused her to grow a mustache. Now having a mustache is more important than having a sexual life? I guess I still have some resentment there.

We have been to the doctor and he says there is no reason for the lack of desire and told me to buy her a vibrator. I got to say my wife is really inhibited and would never use one, I tried getting her one once and she didn't like it. 

My wife was sexually abused as a teenager by her grandfather and my therapist has indicated that she thinks this has caused her to have some BPD tendencies. She said she will probably never come around on this. She needs therapy and would never seek it. I can concur on that one, my wife would never do it and has said so.

I don't know what to believe anymore.


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

Read this article, what your wife reports is sadly common. Even orgasms are different after a hysterectomy. Often patients are medicated before and after with an antidepressant in order to ease the transition.


http://www.hersfoundation.com/docsSexual_Loss.html


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It's pretty common knowledge that complete hysterectomy without hormone replacement can result in low/no libido.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Well I will say that neither of us had any idea at the time that a full hysterectomy would cause this and the surgeon never told us this either. She went in for a partial and ended up with a full.

My wife has said that she has not had an orgasm since that time which was a shock to me. She said it is not the same feeling anymore.

I have read a lot on the internet about it but it seems conflicting. I was just wanting to hear if that was a real possibility because our doctors have indicated otherwise.

I guess if there was nerve damage hormone treatment might not have helped.

Thank you for the feedback. I have diabetes and I don't function very well anymore anyway. Since I stopped putting pressure on her for sex a while back she is much less defensive and more open. I think we're getting along the best we have now than in our entire marriage.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Is it possible that it's the abuse she suffered while younger that's manifesting itself now, with the hysterectomy being a convenient reason for it?

Not that the hysterectomy doesn't play a part in this, but, perhaps you are now around the same age as her grandfather was when she was abused by him, and she's cognizant of that. Just a thought.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

This is the very reason my sister opted out of a hysterectomy recently and got an ablation instead. She was just too afraid of this, and it was only a partial hysterectomy. 

I fully believe your wife has lost her libido because of the hysterectomy.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I am a little confused and I have a question. 

Why did she think she was having a partial hysterectomy and then she found out she had a total hysterectomy?

Was this decision made while she was under anesthesia?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

giddiot said:


> Well I will say that neither of us had any idea at the time that a full hysterectomy would cause this and the surgeon never told us this either. She went in for a partial and ended up with a full.


How is this possible?

How do you go in for a partial and receive a full and not let anyone know?

I can see if there was some emergency and this had to been done in order to save her life - but realistically, I have a hard time believing she was flat-lining and the only thing that could save her was a complete hysterectomy.

Also, what doctor wants to perform a hysterectomy and not inform of all possibilities? My buddies wife just had a partial done before thanksgiving - the doctor made sure she had therapy sessions set up for before and after the surgery. They were given so much information that they both were suffering information overload.

Something is very amiss. I agree with OliviaG that there is some kind of malpractice.


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## SARAHMCD (Jul 2, 2014)

snerg said:


> How is this possible?
> 
> How do you go in for a partial and receive a full and not let anyone know?
> 
> ...



I've had a partial hysterectomy. I was told she would just remove the uterus due to fibroids, however, it turned out one of my ovaries was completely covered in endometriosis so she removed that too. She said the other one had some, but she didn't want me to go through forced menopause (mid-40s) so she left it. Doctors don't know the full extent of what's causing your pain, especially if its endometriosis, until they are inside. All the cat scans and ultrasounds in the world don't show that much detail.

My surgeon also did not tell me at all about risks of sexual dysfunction or pelvic relapse, or any of the other possible side effects. I had to do that research myself. There is a great website forum called hystersisters.com. Check it out. There is advice for men as well. 

Luckily for me, I'm a success story. No more pain, no more periods lasting 2 weeks or more, and full sexual function. Sex is better than ever since I'm open for business 30 days of the month if I chose! I still have the same hormones and orgasms are just as good as ever, if not better. 

Your friends wife was lucky to have been sent for therapy sessions. That's a great idea. I relied on that website I mentioned. My Ex-H wasn't helpful at all at the time. He couldn't understand why i thought it was a big deal or was even anxious about it. Kept referring to it as a common "procedure". Which also seemed to be my surgeon's attitude, leaving me thinking I was making too much out of it.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

SARAHMCD said:


> I've had a partial hysterectomy. I was told she would just remove the uterus due to fibroids, however, it turned out one of my ovaries was completely covered in endometriosis so she removed that too. She said the other one had some, but she didn't want me to go through forced menopause (mid-40s) so she left it. Doctors don't know the full extent of what's causing your pain, especially if its endometriosis, until they are inside. All the cat scans and ultrasounds in the world don't show that much detail.
> 
> My surgeon also did not tell me at all about risks of sexual dysfunction or pelvic relapse, or any of the other possible side effects. I had to do that research myself. There is a great website forum called hystersisters.com. Check it out. There is advice for men as well.
> 
> ...


I believe this to be about the same thing my wife went through. They get permission to remove everything and say they are doing a partial, but then find something and take the whole thing.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> I am a little confused and I have a question.
> 
> Why did she think she was having a partial hysterectomy and then she found out she had a total hysterectomy?
> 
> Was this decision made while she was under anesthesia?


Yes she went in for a partial and the doctor at the time made the decision to remove it all. I am a person who now researches everything, and we don't believe what they say we check. At that time I am at fault for not checking more, I had no idea, she had fibroids and was having a lot of pain so we knew they needed to do something. I feel bad now that I should have asked a lot of questions but my wife was not very comfortable with me coming along on her gynecology visits.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

While I admit I am no expert on this topic, I do enjoy reading about extreme cases as somewhat of a curiosity. There are some men that for whatever reason never accept their penis, and I am not talking about transgender, just individuals that do not accept their genitals. I have seen a video and read about a case where a man had both testicles and his penis removed. He could still orgasm, although it was much different and more difficult. 

There are also cases of those that have severe spinal injury will no feeling left below the waist still being able to enjoy and express their sexuality. In these situations sexuality exists as a meditation with stimulation occurring mostly via the eyes and ears and can culminate in orgasm. 

I've also seen scientific documentaries as well as amateur footage of individuals that can easily orgasm without any stimulation at all. They reach orgasm via stimulating a fantasy in their minds. 

In ALL the cases above, it is my opinion that this reflects how strong the brain is as a sexual organ and that it is capable of a fully satisfying sexual response if one is open and patient enough to try to experience it. 

Badsanta


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

OliviaG said:


> giddiot, I really think you should consult a different doctor. It makes me crazy to read stories like yours - isn't informed consent an important aspect of modern medicine? I can't imagine a surgeon castrating a guy without warning him that the procedure would obliterate his sex life - why do they get away with doing this to women every day? Oophorectomy is castration. And to add to her misery, the doctor tells her husband and her that there is no reason for her lack of desire after the surgery??!!!
> 
> I think this is medical malpractice. It wrecks marriages and lives every day. I'm so glad that you have been able to come to terms with it somehow and to love your wife through it. Bless you.


To clarify, the doctor that performed the surgery was from years ago, about 20 now. The doctor that made the vibrator comment is her current general practitioner. 

This all came up because I went many years with very little sexual activity and she would run the other way when I even mentioned it so she dreaded it. She would look at me at times and say alll your thinking about is sex, she was right.

In the last couple of years my diabetes started to get bad and I began to get ED at times and I got nervous I would never be able to again so I started putting pressure on her for it. She and I went to the doctor, then at a later visit when I asked him about it he made the vibrator comment to me, my wife was not present.

What I have learned in all this is that she has not had an orgasm since the surgery, she had been faking it with me, but I swear she couldn't fake the ones she had so I am not sure that is completely true. I found that she said its not the same and that it is very very hard for her to orgasm even masturbating so she doesn't. She says she has no desire at all. She is the one who mentioned it was the hysterectomy that caused all this, I never knew what it was.

Now she will have sex with me if I want it but I want intimacy not sex. She has to be into it or its meaningless to me so I quit. So I have given up and now its really too late for me, the diabetes has progressed to the point where I have ED all the time and nothing helps.

I love her more than anything in the world and would never leave her, we are life partners. Funny I ended up out here on TAM wondering if maybe she had an affair and that was the reason. It isn't.

You guys have confirmed for me what she is telling me is probably the real reason. She said she prays for desire but still doesn't have it and wonders why I stick with her. I do because I love her.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Giddiot, I had a full hysterectomy at 32; I had fibroids and endometriosis, growing into my abdomen even. One ovary had a long fibroid on it with scar tissue, and it was trying to attach to my uterus. i could swear every other month i could feel myself ovulating and my doctor told me I was right. It was always hard for me to get a doctor to take my problems seriously, until finally I had insurance, I found a good doctor who believed me when I told that when me made love, my h's penis was bumping into things. 

Like another poster said, I didn't miss the 2-week long periods and changing pads or other sanitary objects every hour to two hours. Now I know, looking back, that I was estrogen dominant, and the problems went back to high school. 

In my case, I went on hormone therapy that included testosterone, and I did grow a mustache and I could grow a goatee if I had to. Finally I switched to estrogen only, but now that I'm older, doctors hesitate to prescribe it because it can cause blood clots and stroke in older women (over 35). But my orgasms definitely changed . . . took longer to achieve, took more to satisfy me. And the problem affected our marriage because my Peter Pan husband wanted me to lubricate naturally and not use the type in a bottle. Sex was painful before the hysterectomy and painful after. 

Everything your wife says makes perfect sense to me, not to mention how "unfeminine" I felt for a while. But there are bioidentical hormones in the form of creams or pellets that can put things right, rather than the synthetic ones with their undesired after effects. 

But to answer your original question, in my experience, yes, everything your wife has told you is what happened for me as well.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

giddiot said:


> Yes she went in for a partial and the doctor at the time made the decision to remove it all. I am a person who now researches everything, and we don't believe what they say we check. At that time I am at fault for not checking more, I had no idea, she had fibroids and was having a lot of pain so we knew they needed to do something. I feel bad now that I should have asked a lot of questions but my wife was not very comfortable with me coming along on her gynecology visits.


Can I assume she signed a Pre-Op Consent that would allow her GYN to perform additional surgery if needed. Is that correct? 
Why did he feel it necessary to remove her ovaries?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just because she doesn't desire doesn't give her the right to be cruel about it. That's more a character issue.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> Can I assume she signed a Pre-Op Consent that would allow her GYN to perform additional surgery if needed. Is that correct?
> Why did he feel it necessary to remove her ovaries?


Its been a long time ago so I honestly don't remember what she signed but I know she had no clue that it would give her a sexual dysfunction.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Just because she doesn't desire doesn't give her the right to be cruel about it. That's more a character issue.


Yeah I think that is related to the BPD tendencies.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

alexm said:


> Is it possible that it's the abuse she suffered while younger that's manifesting itself now, with the hysterectomy being a convenient reason for it?
> 
> Not that the hysterectomy doesn't play a part in this, but, perhaps you are now around the same age as her grandfather was when she was abused by him, and she's cognizant of that. Just a thought.


That was partly why I was asking about the hysterectomy cause. I wondered the same thing, there is more at play here than just this operation. Its probably a combination of things, but I had not thought about the age factor, that is something to think about.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

Thank you everybody for giving me feedback. TAM is a full of wonderful people that care about others and I appreciate it.


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## pushing50 (Aug 5, 2010)

To the original question, "can it?" Well, it sure doesn't help.

Nearing 50, she had a prolapse, which her gyn said wasn't surprising after 5 kids. (I'm also of the opinion that our very ramped-up frequency added to that. I thought I "broke" her.)

After the full hyst, she got on HRT. Her dr tested for hormone levels, and even mentioned adding test to the mix, but she had the same reaction as OP's wife - worried about weight gain, hair loss, facial hair gain, and heaven knows what else. In short, no f****** way.

Let's add a complete aversion to lube to this, and a husband who decided at 50 to start lifting (boosted my T numbers by at least 100 pts), and we have a recipe for trouble.

It's taken some adjusting of frequency (me down, her up), and the realization that her libido will never return to what it was before naturally. But she's willing to join in, and O's are still regular and not faked.

All the way around, I wish I could turn back the clock about 15 years and get (us) better prepared.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

My wife had full hysto at 43? The head of obgyn/ Women's Oncology at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas said around half the blood supply to ovaries comes from uterus and usually 2-3 yrs the ovaries quit functioning due to being starved for blood anyway. It's best to start HRT and take it all to prevent having to go back again in case of ovarian issues.

We're loving the hysterectomy. The gym/oncologist also said there are many women who are diagnosed as bi-polar that it's nothing more than their hormones are whacked out.

The change in hormones can also change the sensations. She could be perfectly normal libido if she would have taken the HRT replacement. Since my wife started HRT its like I have a new wife. Lasy 3 yrs of Marriage is best its been in 18 yrs.

I'm sorry you did not score high enough on her importance level for her to risk a possible facial hair. As man who feels loved through physical intimacy that would doom my marriage. Just my wife refusing to try to fix the problem would tell me she does not love or care for me.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

giddiot said:


> Now she will have sex with me if I want it but I want intimacy not sex. She has to be into it or its meaningless to me so I quit. So I have given up and now its really too late for me, the diabetes has progressed to the point where I have ED all the time and nothing helps.


Let me rephrase this a bit so you can see how it comes across. 

A guy goes into a world famous restaurant and orders the chef's special. The chef is delighted and does his absolute best and decides to run the plate to the customer himself. The chef smiles and says I can not wait to see someone try my special dish and presents it to the customer.

The customer looks at the chef and asks why did he not prepare himself a plate and the chef replied that he was not hungry. 

The customer became appalled that the chef had no desire to eat his own special, so returned the plate to the kitchen, claimed it was worthless, and now refuses to go to the restaurant ever again. Add to that the customer's car broke down and even though he still would never go again, now he can't even drive there anymore anyway.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What I hear is the chef saying ... i dont feel like cooking you a tender loin....here is your chop steak, were out of gravy and seasoning so take it or leave it...I've got more important things to do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Divinely Favored said:


> What I hear is the chef saying ... i dont feel like cooking you a tender loin....here is your chop steak, were out of gravy and seasoning so take it or leave it...I've got more important things to do.


I used to think the same thing and would be very proactive about getting the chef to enjoy things more, even if I had to prepare the tender loins myself and bring my own bottle of red wine. 

...as you know going into a restaurant with your own ingredients will not go over too well. 

...on the other hand, compliments and challenging the chef do something even more creative with what is available will like get you a pretty awesome chopped steak kabob on rice with some vegetables!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Let me rephrase this a bit so you can see how it comes across.
> 
> A guy goes into a world famous restaurant and orders the chef's special. The chef is delighted and does his absolute best and decides to run the plate to the customer himself. The chef smiles and says I can not wait to see someone try my special dish and presents it to the customer.
> 
> ...



So the wife is the chef? Providing a service for a fee that she is not really expected to partake in? At does not really sound like marriage to me.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

I too agree that you should be able to count on your doctor for information. My surgeon who performed my hysterectomy was a great doctor, one of the only ones to take my issues seriously. He showed me a color picture of what everything looked like, based on a laparoscopy he did before he recommended surgery. It was awful, and he was kind and said to put it in the family album because it was all coming out. And he assured me the HRT would mitigate the effects. 

When I had my gall bladder out, I wasn't given any information about the difficulty some people have with digestion afterwards, and how the body can lose its ability to absorb fat, and ironically the person packs on the pounds as the body stores fat for fear of starvation. I now take four-five digestion assistance supplements every time I eat. 

The thing is, in both cases, I was in intense and enormous pain, and I think doctors are trained to diagnosis and alleviate. I have learned, sadly, that surgery to remove organs doesn't leave us as we were before. Yes, we are pain-free, but there are continuing issues, including psychological ones. . 

And of course you all know that I attribute h's first melt-down and the beginning of his serious mental health issues to a doctor who did damage during a series of kidney stone procedures. 

I applaud you, giddiot, for being so patient and so open to the possibility that what your wife has been telling you could be true. And I wish you and your wife well as you work through yet another challenge that life presents if we're fortunate enough to live long enough!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So the wife is the chef? Providing a service for a fee that she is not really expected to partake in? At does not really sound like marriage to me.


The OP said she was willing to partake...



giddiot said:


> Now she will have sex with me if I want it


If you have ever cooked for your own children *while you are not hungry* yourself, you would be able understand the analogy. There is a great amount of mutual enjoyment that can take place if all parties involved are open to it, courteous, and give thanks to one another.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

badsanta said:


> The OP said she was willing to partake...
> 
> 
> 
> If you have ever cooked for your own children *while you are not hungry* yourself, you would be able understand the analogy. There is a great amount of mutual enjoyment that can take place if all parties involved are open to it, courteous, and give thanks to one another.


Yeah but it is a little distracting when she is so disengaged she is asking me if I put my toothbrush up. Its ok with us now, it has been a question I have wanted to ask for a long time because I got conflicting answers.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

giddiot said:


> Yeah but it is a little distracting when she is so disengaged she is asking me if I put my toothbrush up. Its ok with us now, it has been a question I have wanted to ask for a long time because I got conflicting answers.


One time my wife and I were in the middle of it and she asked me if the termite certification on our house had been renewed yet. So this type of behavior is not necessarily associated with side effects from a hysterectomy. 

Science now says that the model of sexuality is a dual system. One system inhibits while the other system creates arousal. It has also been concluded that women have much stronger stronger system of inhibitions in general. 

The little blue pill helps accelerate the arousal system, but no pill yet can deactivate the inhibition system that would allow one to become aroused.

Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

badsanta said:


> The little blue pill helps accelerate the arousal system, but no pill yet can deactivate the inhibition system that would allow one to become aroused.


Maybe not pills, but Alcohol or Propranolol have been known to have this effect. The key is to obtain consent beforehand.


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## salespro (Jan 15, 2014)

I know in our case my wife lost what little desire she had after the surgery. I think she just looked at the hysterectomy as the final reason to end our sex life. We only had sex twice in the year before the surgery and haven't had it in the 7 years since the surgery. We have just become roommates.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

intheory said:


> Would make a fun "signature" statement :wink2:


Here is the one I just got approved!


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

intheory said:


> I understand the hormonal urge is gone; your poor wife :frown2:
> 
> But intellectually, she can understand you still need sex.
> 
> ...


Sadly the doing things for others is also driven by the hormones/ovaries.

knock out the estrogen and androgen, and the compassion and worrying about other people goes with it chemically.

Several friends of mine (yes, I know very small sample), have gone through hysterectomies and found exactly the same thing.
Those that have gone on to HRT find that life is much more interesting and they desire sex more than ever, one is almost teenage lad in the response to testosterone, and without the pregancy issue, says it was the greatest choice she every made in her life.

As for the mustache? get permanent laser hair removal. 3 or 4 treatments should be enough to knock any mustache issues back and a small area like that won't cost the earth.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> While I admit I am no expert on this topic, I do enjoy reading about extreme cases as somewhat of a curiosity. There are some men that for whatever reason never accept their penis, and I am not talking about transgender, just individuals that do not accept their genitals. I have seen a video and read about a case where a man had both testicles and his penis removed. He could still orgasm, although it was much different and more difficult.
> 
> There are also cases of those that have severe spinal injury will no feeling left below the waist still being able to enjoy and express their sexuality. In these situations sexuality exists as a meditation with stimulation occurring mostly via the eyes and ears and can culminate in orgasm.
> 
> ...



Hah!

Hear ME!

In your warped coital minds-eye, maybe !!!!!!!!!!!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Hah!
> 
> Hear ME!
> 
> In your warped coital minds-eye, maybe !!!!!!!!!!!


Expanding on this topic, I saw a documentary where a guy that was paralyzed from the waist down (no feeling in his genitals) could still have an orgasm via women stimulating one of his hands. It was as if the nerves in his brain had rerouted themselves. 

Have you ever seen the one about blind people being able to see with their tongues?

Helping Blind People See With Their Tongues Video - ABC News

Badsanta


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## CMD1978 (Apr 9, 2016)

My parents used to have a really good sex life. My siblings and I used to be embarrassed because we could hear them going at it at night. They were making out in public places no less when I was a teenager.

My mom had a full hysterectomy at age 58. Similarly she was only supposed to have a partial but when they discovered the extent of the cancer they took everything instead of just the ovaries. It actually saved her life because most women don't survive ovarian cancer by 5 years and it's been 12.

She completely lost interest in sex after the surgery. My parents stopped sharing a bed because the hot flashes and night sweats kept her awake. Her entire personality changed as well. My kids were just babies at the time. She had been so thrilled to be a grandma. She completely lost interest in them after that point and never got it back. She stopped being physically affectionate with any of us and she used to love hugging people especially family. Her Drs won't give her HRT because of a strong family history of heart disease. Now she's showing signs of dementia so I've resigned myself to never again having the loving, caring mother I grew up with. Unfortunately, with rapidly spreading reproductive cancer, what choice was there?


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## pineapple (Apr 9, 2016)

I had a complete hysterectomy at 33. I refused HRT, too. I did not lose my libido at all. In fact, I wanted it more. No more worries about getting pregnant, no more awful periods, etc. It was the best thing I ever did for myself.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My mother had a full hysterectomy at age 38. My parents are now in their late 70s and STILL have a sex life. She is not and wasn't on HRT.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am 60, had a full hysterectomy at 46, am still on HRT but cutting down and on half the dose I was, and I still like having sex with my husband. 
Even if I didnt, I would make the effort just for him.


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