# Texting



## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi, I have just found out that my husband of 10 years has been texting a woman that he used to work with, going by some of the texts they have obviously met up before and he texts her as soon as he leaves the house some of it everyday things and some definatley flirting. Tonight he says that he is going out with the guys but I checked his phone before he left and found out that he is meeting up with her tonight. I understand that some people have male and female friends i have some myself but I do not keep anything from him, I don't know what to do. Our daughter is sleeping and I just seem to be sitting here waiting.....


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you show up where he is at tonight?


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

No our daughter is sleeping and I have no one to watch her. I am just really worried that this will develop into something, I guess that it already has since he is lying to me and meeting with her. I just don't get it at all normally we are able to talk about anything it has come as such as shock. Maybe I just wanted to believe things were ok. Maybe I am making more of it than it is and maybe I am making excuses and not really had enough time to digest everything


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Take your daughter. If he is hiding this relationship, there is MORE to it than you want to believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

the fact he is hiding it from you is the biggest sign that it isn't appropriate

you need to confront him and stop this affair before it gets deeper

let him know you are aware he is lying, he will try to claim that he just didn't want to make you upset that he was meeting a woman who is just a friend- do not accept this lie 
This was the lie my wife told me and she made me feel like I was the bad guy, she was in a full physical affair that I found out by snooping 2 days later


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

Part of me feels guilty for checking his phone, but I guess I knew something was not right. But what if I am wrong what if he is meeting up with other people. I can stand this self doubt I am normally stronger than this!!!!!


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

I really appreciate the responses thank you all so much


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it's not just "nothing" because he is very blatantly lying to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she married/partnered? Have you met her? What else was in their messages?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

why is there a question of being wrong, what did the text say?

they have been texting back and forth a lot as well, I doubt you are wrong about this. I think you are just scared of the truth right now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Annie76 said:


> I am just really worried that this will develop into something, I guess that it already has since he is lying to me and meeting with her.


Sorry to say that it has already developed into something, an Emotional Affair (EA) at the very least. It may have already gone to a Physical Affair (PA). The fact that he's secretly meeting with the Other Woman (OW) and disguising it as a Boys Night Out (BNO) indicates that it is an affair. 

Now, you CAN try and confront him right away, but considering what evidence you have right now, he is going to deny it. Most likely give you the *CLASSIC* cheater line: *She's Just A Friend*. Then say you are crazy for thinking that (Gaslighting). 

OR, you can patiently gather your evidence so that when you do confront him, he can't deny, gaslight, or trickle truth you. It really depends on what game plan you want to follow.


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

"scared of the truth" I know you are right. The messages range from day to day stuff and flirting. I don't think that she is in a relationship with someone else. I am getting really angry now just thinking about some of the messages. Totally inappropriate ones I would never even contemplate sending them to someone else. The text for tonight clearly states that they are only meeting with each other but when i spoke to him he was talking about meeting up with some other people but no evidence on his phone that he made contact with anyone else. 

Ok self doubt over !! the anger has arrived !!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Then you already know what is going on. Get more proof, confront him tonight, and go from there.

Tell him you will NOT live in an open marriage. If he doesn't end contact with her, you will not be 2nd choice. Ever.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

My wifes texting ruined our lives, it led to a full on affair. It is a slippery slope and can accelerate rapidly.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

take a look around here and you'll see lots of stories that started this way, unfortunately you probably have just scratched the surface here

it is already a EA (he is doing things with her that have crossed boundaries, even if they haven't had sex, it is just as bad in my opinion, do NOT accept the just friends line)
it is possible it is already a PA, especially since it's likely they have met privately already and are meeting tonight while you think it is a guy's night out

yes- get angry
you need it to save your marriage if that's what you want
you can't fix it until this affair is over
that means NO CONTACT with her ever
that means complete transparency- he needs to show his phone, passwords, etc
that means he has to answer any and all questions you have repeatedly
AND he needs to know what will happen if he doesn't-
you will file for divorce

I know it sounds harsh and I know it's scary to think of it
but the divorce bomb will provide you with an answer that you deserve and need-
if he complies then you can go on to forgiveness and fix the marriage and heal from the affair
if he doesn't then you know you he isn't willing to be the man you deserve and nothing you do will get him back

take a look around and see many people who live in limbo and are killing their souls as a result


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

ok, if I talk to him tonight about it and do as suggested what is to stop him from creating other accounts online, getting another phone he is currently not working at the moment and I am working full time what is to stop him from meeting up with her during the day. Since it is the school holidays and he is looking after our daughter during the day i know that he is not meeting up with her then. How can I be sure that he will stop the contact


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You can't be sure but if you do not start making a stand then your husband will not only continue walking over you but will leave as and when he is ready. You are on for a rough ride, typically your husband will lie, will change his phone and will take this underground. If this is not already an affair it will be soon and he has poor marriage boundaries. Have you recorded her number , you will find it easier to have a copy of her number and some of the text messages so when you do confront him you have evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

going underground as you describe is a real possibility

but you won't see the true remorse in him
you will see him hide things and get defensive
he will make excuses to get out of the house
you won't see a willingness to do anything and everything possible to heal you heal and atone for his affair
he will want to sweep the affair under the rug and ignore it


I have yet to read about a WS (wayward spouse) make all of the concessions necessary but still manage to hide an ongoing affair- it would take a real master of human psychology to do this


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Annie76 said:


> ok, if I talk to him tonight about it and do as suggested what is to stop him from creating other accounts online, getting another phone he is currently not working at the moment and I am working full time what is to stop him from meeting up with her during the day. Since it is the school holidays and he is looking after our daughter during the day i know that he is not meeting up with her then. How can I be sure that he will stop the contact


Nothing can stop him from creating other online accounts or getting an "affair" phone, but you can take steps to find out about it.

You can purchase computer monitoring software which will allow you to detect any new accounts and find out whats going on. The 2nd purpose is to verify that there is No Contact (NC) between him and the OW if you decide to Reconcile (R). Here is a good site:

Best Computer Monitoring Software 2011 | Reviews, Ratings & More

If money is a problem, you can always try the ReFog keylogger, they have a free one available:

https://www.refog.com/trial2.html

Its difficult at time to detect an affair phone, but a good countermeasure is to use a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). A good place to put one is using industrial strength velcro and sticking it under the drivers seat. Quite a few people here in this forum have had success using a VAR. Here's a few examples:

Philips - Voice Tracer Digital Voice Recorder - LFH061227

Walmart.com: Sony ICD-BX8112 Digital Flash Voice Recorder: iPods & MP3 Players

If you want, you can try installing phone monitoring software on his phone if you can get to it.

http://www.mobile-spy.com/

MobiStealth | Mobile Spy Software, Cell Phone Spy Monitoring, GPS Location Tracking App For $39.99 | iPhone, Blackberry, Android, Symbian/Nokia Spyware


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

Thank you for all your advice, I would not say I am feeling better but I know how I want to handle the situation and put a stop to it. I know that I will not be a doormat and I will not let him put both myself and our daughter through this. I cannot let it continue and although scary as it is I know that this is the right thing to do for both me and my daughter


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Another tip for confrontation is to not reveal how you know and to imply you know more than you do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Another tip for confrontation is to not reveal how you know and to imply you know more than you do
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Primary rule: Never reveal your sources.


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

ok, I will keep that info to myself but I will gathering all the evidence I have found.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Let us know how it goes. I would show up where he is meeting her. That will accelerate all of this to where it needs to be. How old is your daughter? If she is less than 2 years old, just carry her asleep with you. If she's older, that's tough, because you don't want her getting involved in this mess.

Can you ask a friend to go in your place?


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Another tip for confrontation is to not reveal how you know and to imply you know more than you do
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Deception works. I got the final details using that approach. It sucked, but it's what I personally needed for closure. I'm not ready to back out, but my wife (the DS) and I have a hell of a lot of work to do. My position is that a refused to reconcile on false details. I wanted it out so she had to talk about it because I know it pains her. BS's aren't the only ones that need to suffer through these things.


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

Wish I could go, she is 6 so cannot really take her with me. I don't really want o involve anyone else unless I have too


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> he will try to claim that he just didn't want to make you upset that he was meeting a woman who is just a friend


WOW. I heard this from my husband when I found out he was planning to meet up with an old friend (who happened to be a woman in a troubled marriage) instead of going to a gun show with a friend like he told me.


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

Annie76 said:


> Wish I could go, she is 6 so cannot really take her with me. I don't really want o involve anyone else unless I have too


I hope things are okay with you. (((hugs)))


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

would like to hear from Annie as well to see how things went


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Annie,

This is a classic case of you letting the OW fill all his needs that you used to fill, she will fail miserably, this is the quickest way to get your husband back, also expose to everyone that is important to him, it will be hard when everyone knows what he is up to now...
No one thinks that having an affair while your wife is pregnant is the right thing to do......
He is not thinking straight right now.
Your first move is getting the financial stuff secured for you and your family.........I think you said you work and he does not, make sure you do not have to give him any $$, the last thing you want is to give him $$ to nest his affair.
I would not worry about helping him with his relationship with his child. Make him miss that part of his life, make him feel what he is giving up, I would not speak to him until he comes to his senses....completely cut him off of any need met by you.......
Don't believe anything he says.......look up fog babble in an affair, you will see they all speak from the same script.....
Let the affair play out and sit back and watch that fantasy turn into a disaster, they have only know each other a few months, when the reality of every day life comes into play watch the love affair blow up.
He will come crawling back in no time, do not take him back without a recovery plan in place.........
In the meantime you are pregnant and need to take care of yourself and you son first, forget about what he needs that is not your concern right now.
You know the old story, set something free and wish them well, that is the quickest way to get them back and of their own will.

Stay quiet and calm, be the woman that he can't live without..show him what he is giving up....always look good, smell good, be happy and confident.........no outbursts, rational logical thinking.
I know it hurts been there myself, patience is crucial here.
good luck
jessi


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

where does she say she's pregnant?


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

Take a girlfriend. She will keep you from loosing your mind or getting arrested for assault IF you catch him doing wrong. She will also comfort your child and can drive you both either back home safely (you'll be a bundle of nerves by then) or to her place until you cool down. You have NO idea what emotions you may experience seeing him walking hand in hand with the OW IF that's what he's up to. AND... NO married man should have "friendships" with another women his wife does not know. If he's sneaking to meet her, something is either going on or soon will be. Get a GPS tracking device and Google the location he frequents to learn the route there. Men are creatures of habits and often return to "the scene of the crime" more than once - his "safe place". The tracking device will give you their desired days of the week, times they meet up and the location. Sit back and wait, then respond. Collect evidence first.


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## Annie76 (Jul 26, 2011)

Hi, sorry I have not been on for a while. Thank you for all you support and advice. Well once he came home that night he was extremely drunk so not the ideal opportunity to have a serious relationship talk however, he did mention her and avoided all questions about who else went out with them. I have decided to sit back for a bit and get our finances sorted out and to be honest I would like more evidence before I approach him. I do not know that he has deleted all his text from her but he has also texted her since then. I do not think that he has met up with her as I am keeping a closure eye on him maybe he has noticed which is why he has backed off for a bit but I will not let this fester and will speak to him. Our daughter has a disabilty and does not sleep and requires constant supervision so it is difficult to have a serious conversation without interuptions so I am going to ask the grandparents to take her for the night to get this sorted out. I am trying to be very calm and rational about but it is very difficult. I am taken on all your advice and hope that I take something from what everyone has said and shared. I have to do what is best for my daughter and myself but at the moment I am still in limbo I am hoping that by gathering more information when we do sit down and talk about it there will be no room from deception from him. I know that it maybe a naive notion but I will try

FYI I am not pregnant


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## dixieindistress (Jul 29, 2011)

Annie,

I'm going through the exact same thing you are right now. My H has gotten to the point where he deletes all of his texts to prevent me from getting to them. I did find one, however, where the OW arranged to meet him and told him to tell me that it was a mere coincidental meeting. Looking through his browsing history, he's also been really busy trying to get a divorce and find an apartment close to where she's going to school.

I'm still in shock--this all happened over the span of four days. My H is willing to throw away 5 years for someone he's only known for a few weeks. Despite all the emotions I have to deal with, I know my next move has to be to an attorney's office. 

Don't tolerate this. It's much harder with a child but his behavior is like an addictive drug and the longer you put up with this, the more you'll hurt.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

My H was the same way with his EA/PA tramp. It started out "innocent" a year ago by sending jokes. He did contractor work for her boss, my neighbor at his diner. Texting became more active but still denials.... In Feb, the texting became obsessive. H would hide his phone or have it glued to his side at all times. Lies about his whereabouts and errands that took 4 times longer than should have. I too was stuck at home with my daughter and became very suspicious. Finally Text blocked both of them. H was furious. He became so mean and angry with me. He was going through withdrawals not able to text his tramp. In May, I noticed an email on his phone saying he would be over in a minute with fried chicken, potato salad and some "dessert" for her! When he got home, we got in an enormous argument and I told him to leave. He has been gone ever since. He has told hid friends that he started dating this tramp after I kicked him out but we both know that is just another lie. Expect the worst in these situations. More discovery will come to the surface and then all the hurt and anger will start to spill over.


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