# Ashamed of my divorce



## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I have posted in the sex in marriage and coping with infidelity forums but I'm finding I need help with another issue

I am incredibly ashamed/ embarrassed of my divorce (especially at my age-late 20s). My husband wanted the divorce and I am the one who ultimately filed. I am embarrassed to only have been married for such a short time and of how my husband treated me (which I never told anyone about). 

I am ashamed that my job doesn't pay enough that I can stay in this area near friends and that I need to move in with my family (not the most supportive people). 

I am ashamed that my husband slandered me to most of our mutual friends and since I did not keep in touch with many people from my hometown I will be alone(which I know is my own fault but I am upset that I did not keep in touch- I have tried reconnecting on fb and other social media and so far I haven't had any luck :/). I am embarrassed because I am scared of running into his friends there and that I will have no friends in the area. I am ashamed that I feel resentment towards my stbx for having friends and family support.

I am supposed to see my extended family about a month after I return (and from what I've been told theyre mostly supportive) but I am terrified to see them and am so embarrassed about what happened (they only know that he made bad decisions and I am leaving- I have no idea how to handle the "what happened?", "how are you?", "I'm sorry") and I am the only one in my family that has ever been divorced which causes me to feel even more ashamed.

I am embarrassed that I will not have a job or a source of income so I will be stuck in my family's home with no way of meeting people. I am also incredibly nervous to try and make friends.

I am embarrassed that so many people that have found out that I am divorcing feel that I "married too young" and did not treat marriage with respect or try hard enough (I am devastated my marriage is ending like this and wanted it to work so much)

I am embarrassed that I will never really know the full details of what happened with my husband

I do not know how to change my way of thinking on this. It is causing me to have so much stress and anxiety. I can barely get out of bed and have no appetite. I have seen a counselor who feels that I will just need to 'stay positive' and hopefully in a couple months things will improve. I also saw my doctor and while he is willing to prescribe anxiety meds and/or antidepressants he feels that it would just mask my feelings and prolong my issues/grief.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Don't take the meds. They will mask your issues unless you absolutely have to. It's very common for people going through a divorce to think and feel the way you do. It wouldn't be normal if you didn't. It's also common for people to move back in with relatives and it's also common not to have a huge circle of friends when you get older. 

I'm 33 and I'm starting my life over. I moved out of the marital home. I'm ashamed to be getting a divorce. The 2nd month of my separation has been the hardest so far. I started getting back on my feet the 3rd month. It will get easier and I have to suggest that you start exercising, taking walks, etc. You have to get out and do something productive no matter how bad you feel. You have to do something every day that will help you start gaining your self respect back. This is about you now. Don't focus on what other people may think or say about your marriage because I can tell you that they really don't care as much as you think they do. You can PM any time.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You cannot imagine how much I wish I had divorced in my 20's instead of in my 60's. 

You really do care far too much about what others think. Don't. It's your life and you are entitled to live it however you choose. As to what to say if someone is rude enough to ask why, say it just didn't work out. You don't owe anyone an explanation.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

A marriage does not work if there is only one person trying to fix a marriage.

You tried, he failed. Not one person can say that you did not try!! If they do, tell them to "F" off.

Stop focusing on the negatives and now focus on positives.

You are not married to a person who treats you bad.
You WILL find someone else.
Do NOT care what someone else (his friends, his/your family) thinks.
You are still soooo young.
You WILL meet new friends.

Google~ "180 in a marriage", it will help tremendously. I know your divorced but it will help you detach.

As for the future look at youtube and search for "Law of attraction"
It is based on you channeling positive things that will happen instead of negative things...you need to be positive.

Right now you are being negative. But i'm sure it's natural having what you have gone through.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

miche4 said:


> I have posted in the sex in marriage and coping with infidelity forums but I'm finding I need help with another issue
> 
> I am incredibly ashamed/ embarrassed of my divorce (especially at my age-late 20s). My husband wanted the divorce and I am the one who ultimately filed. I am embarrassed to only have been married for such a short time and of how my husband treated me (which I never told anyone about).
> 
> ...


You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about because, as you said, you didn't want this, your husband did.

A lot of people are going through what you are now and sometimes have the same feelings. I know I do.

Accept your new reality and think of all the blessings that you have in your life. While it may seem like tough going now I'm sure there are many more people who are worse off than you. be thankful for that.

Make friends with your anger and sadness and overtime you will feel better, I promise.

There never is a perfect time for a divorce. It disrupts your normal life and routine and kills the dreams and plans you once had. So make new routines. Make new plans. Dream bigger and better. Then make it happen one day at a time.

Don't be embarrassed over living with relatives. You're lucky you have a place to stay.

Don't worry about tomorrow, just make it through today. Stop wondering why, it doesn't matter now. Start thinking about what you want and work on you.


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I felt embarrassed too. I think it's pretty much a normal divorce emotion. Over time, that feeling of embarrassment will lessen. You'll see.


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## myfutureisgone (Mar 4, 2014)

I too feel embarrassed, but I am too open and honest not to tell people why it happened if they ask. It is my way of pushing that shame off of my shoulders. He chose this, His shame!


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

myfutureisgone said:


> I too feel embarrassed, but I am too open and honest not to tell people why it happened if they ask. It is my way of pushing that shame off of my shoulders. He chose this, His shame!


Yes.

Think of how embarrassed you would be if you had chosen to stay. You are making the brave choice to move on and reject his disrespect and abuse of you. Did you marry young? Sure, but so what? Let it go. Learn from the past and live in the moment.

Maybe we can reframe your embarrassment into ownership of your mistake and pride in taking the measures to fix it before the damage was compounded with children etc? Hold your head up, sit down and look at your strengths. Chart that course for your future and start blue skying on what you can do. You now have the freedom to make your life over.

Some people will be petty and rigid in their beliefs. Those are not* your *people. Stay away from them. Surround yourself with those people who love you and will support you in making wise decisions.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Life lesson: sh!t happens.

Sometimes you think you have it all figured out and BAM!

I am sorry for your pain. I always think it's worse for the person who didn't want the divorce to process, cause they are not used to the idea yet. 

BUT he is doing you a favor. You'll see. Much better to be single than in a marriage w/ someone who doesn't want you.
So you can either stay embarrassed by his lack of commitment or move through this.

Get a job, save money, move out of your family's home, meet people, smile and embrace your new life.

You are not the first nor will you be the last tto divorce.

i was the same age-ish when I separated from my husband. It felt so weird. Here my friends were getting married and my marriage was ending. It's kind of odd to be a younger divorcee but at least you aren't wasting another 20 years with him. 

Keep your head up.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I faced a lot of the same issues and had a lot of the same feelings that you are having..

I had never failed at anything and I failed at a biggie!

No one in my family had ever been divorced. My own brother told me, "I'm not picking sides". Great!


What helped me get over it was realizing that I was not in charge of all the variables. It wasn't like I could have studied harder, or tried harder. The plain truth is that your spouse can divorce you even if you are dead set against divorce.

But, as bad as my first marriage was, a few years later I remarried and it has been absolute heaven.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

hambone said:


> No one in my family had ever been divorced. My own brother told me, "I'm not picking sides". Great!


:rofl:



hambone said:


> The plain truth is that your spouse can divorce you even if you are dead set against divorce.


Yep.

Glad to hear you found someone great, Hambone


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

I am very sorry for your pain and the heartache that has been caused. I want you to know that things will change over time. You do have to come to the point, however, of understanding that you cannot control other people. You cannot make your husband try hard and be committed to you, and you cannot control what other people think. You are a human being who makes mistakes and suffers from the mistakes of others - relationships are messy.

I am a divorced male who understands shame. I caused all the heartache and pain that I am now experiencing because I made the poor choices. This has tormented me for almost five years now. But - I have found great comfort in knowing that God is merciful and He is not angry with me. He has not taken away the consequences of my choices, but He has embraced me and given me hope for the future. May you find the same hope! Blessings.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I appreciate everyone's advice. I know that this is a normal emotion and it is not my fault that he did this but I'm really just having the hardest time getting past these emotions.

I will try to stay off the meds. It is getting harder to get out of bed in the morning or have any motivation to do anything. I hate that his actions have caused me to react like this. It is true that as you get older many people have less friends but I'm moving back to my hometown friendless because I, for some dumb reason, did not keep in touch with people over the years- my ex did and he definitely made sure his friends think I'm the biggest b*tch. Hopefully I don't run into them.

I cannot even imagine going through this in my 60s. I am so sorry for your pain. I do care about what other people think.... I want to be perceived as a nice, kind person because I am. I am unsure of how to change this way of thinking? I will talk to my counselor about it

There does seem to be some disagreement among the responses whether to give explanation or not. My default response while going through this has been 'he made decisions that I could not support or be around' so I could keep some info out of the open for my own privacy. I feel like it is a catch 22 though because if I don't tell people they may think I am to blame for the divorce- and I want that to be on him. But if I do tell people for one thing, it is embarrassing to tell people the awful things that your husband did to you (because you chose this person to be your spouse!) and for the other it makes people act very uncomfortable around you-like the divorce epidemic is catching. Any thoughts?

I am trying to count my blessings- I am no longer with this person who treated me badly, I have a place to live, I have a car. I think until I am able to start my new life (get a job so I can have income, meet new people *shudder*- I know I have to do this but I am painfully shy so I think this will be the hardest but I need friends in the area) I am going to feel very lost and stuck where I am emotionally- I foresee many weekends alone at my family's home.

To be honest I wish I could reframe this as ownership of my mistake.... but I honestly would have stayed if he hadn't asked for the divorce and I found out about the EAs and PAs. I am not usually a doormat kind of person but my family is religious so it didn't matter if I was unhappy because you stay married. But I do take pride in the fact that I was the one who did all the work to find a lawyer and file because he wanted us to not tell anyone and live together as friends/roommates- that was just too disrespectful.

Thank you- another member in one of my other threads posted that they thought this may be a blessing in disguise and I hope you guys are right.

Jellybeans- if you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with your marriage ending as everyone else was getting married and having children? I am surrounded by that right now and it is making me feel even worse.

Hambone- how did you deal with being the first in your family to be divorced? I am terrified to see my relatives (I have heard that they are somewhat supportive but I am unsure of exactly what that means since they have not been given any more info than that I am divorced and he made bad choices that I could not live with). I am sorry about your brother. I heard something very similar from both my mother and sister: "you must have done something to cause this to happen. He is a great guy"....umm great guys don't cheat on their spouses and slander them but ok. So yes I am mostly family-less and friend-less right now. Fun times not

I do agree that I need to keep in mind that there are people that will always be in a worse situation than you. It is humbling and difficult to think that way when I am feeling alone.

I am also dealing with lots of hate/resentment issues because my ex is definitely not alone

WolverineFan- I am sorry for your pain even if it is self-inflicted. I am glad you have found comfort in your religion. I agree that I cannot control how people think/act but it is just something that I have yet to fully accept. You would think that the person you married would be committed and that if you are a BS that people would be kind to you but that is not how the world works unfortunately.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Jellybeans- if you don't mind me asking, how did you deal with your marriage ending as everyone else was getting married and having children? I am surrounded by that right now and it is making me feel even worse.


It was a very strange experience. Three of my good friends got married in one month! It made hearing vows kinda feel fake/surreal (for me). Yet at the samet ime, I had already BTDT, I had been in my relationship for years by then so it was hard for me to relate to that. I felt sad and happy at the same time. It took me a long time before I started to feel better. But I did it. Surrounded myself with hobbies, thins I like to do, my family, friends, went on trips, stayed home, went outside. Each day felt a little better. Now that I am on the other side, it feels like my marriage belonged to someone else--like it was my life, but I can't now imagine sharing my space with someone and to think I did it all those years seems surreal. 

You will get there, too.

Put your resume out there and start looking.

It stings SO bad at first but you will start to heal and feel better. Promise.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Good advice has already been given on several aspects. I want to mention it's normal to lose touch with friends when you move away. I have had a couple of very close ones over the years where we keep in touch like family. For the others, distance caused us to drop contact, but I found most wanted to catch up when I came to town. You may get a different response once you are already there and able to visit in person.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You'll get through it. I'm sure it's on your mind first thing in the morning. 


Just keep thinking how lucky you are to not have a serial cheater in your life. He's someone else's problem now. Not yours. 

If you run into old friends that he was telling lies to just act like the happiest person in the world. If they ask about the divorce just say "oh yeah, I threw my cheating ex-husband out." Walk away. 

Don't shudder at meeting new friends. Don't shudder at meeting a new guy. 

You'll know when the right one comes into your life. Just learn from your divorce and don't put up with crap. 

I bet my house you will be back on TAM saying how great your new life is. And that you found a great guy. 

Last thing is, the way you are feeling right now projects to people how they see you. If your sad and depressed it will show. 

That's unattractive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Maybe I'm the oddball here, but I never felt ONE IOTA of shame or embarrassment that my marriage had ended. Quite the opposite, in fact. I felt proud and held my head high that I had the gumption to get out and move forward in my life.

So many of my friends' responses surprised the h*ll out of me... I got cards and emails telling me how sorry they were, how they were praying for me, how I must be devastated, blah blah blah.

I was like :wtf:???? I was ready to crack open the Champs and celebrate, and all these people were in mourning for me.

Start believing in your self and your self-worth. Know that there are good things ahead, and be a SURVIVOR. Don't waste time or energy worrying about what others think of you; start thinking positive thoughts -- this will draw positive energy towards yourself and make you stronger.

Just my 2 cents...


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Maybe I'm the oddball here, but I never felt ONE IOTA of shame or embarrassment that my marriage had ended. Quite the opposite, in fact. I felt proud and held my head high that I had the gumption to get out and move forward in my life.
> 
> So many of my friends' responses surprised the h*ll out of me... I got cards and emails telling me how sorry they were, how they were praying for me, how I must be devastated, blah blah blah.
> 
> I was like :wtf:???? I was ready to crack open the Champs and celebrate.



That's exactly how she should be feeling. Happy!! 

You'll look back and realize it very soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

I'm older than you are but whenever something happens in my life that's difficult, I always try first to put it into perspective.

You're getting divorce. It sucks but you're not starving, you'll have a roof over your head, you're young, you haven't gone blind or lost a limb...you're healthy. So if you're embarrassed and going through a bit of a tough time...put into perspective, life ain't so bad.

I disagree with the other posters that you should blame everything on your ex. I think you should own your culpability in the breakup of your marriage. Marriages never fail just because of one person. Maybe you just moved too fast or you made a bad choice in the person you picked. Or maybe you put too much energy into the marriage instead of investing in your independence (career, savings). But whatever happened you want to figure it out because we all make mistakes....and mistakes are a great thing to own and learn from. When you make a mistake in life, examine it and be proud when you learn not to repeat it.

You don't grow and evolve in life from the good things that happen to you. You learn and grow from the tough stuff. But first you have to own it. A mistake is only a bad thing when you don't learn anything from it and repeat it. Don't let that happen.

Stop worrying about what other people think. The only person who needs to be proud of who you are...is you. Understanding that is a key component to true happiness. You need to be satisfied with the person you are and finding that is a journey...it takes time.

Medication isn't the way to handle this....its actually the worst form of escapism. Seriously, its really ridiculous how prone our society is to not dealing with problems head-on. If you want to become more than what you are today...stop feeling sorry for yourself, hold your head up and take care of the things you need to take care of. Set realistic, achievable goals and pat yourself on the back as you reach them.


Bottom line...you can turn this whole situation into a great positive experience if you want to but it requires you to step-up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are women in the world in far, far, far, far worst situations than you find yourself in today. You are free to find happiness if you make the effort to do so.

Good luck!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nikita2270 said:


> Medication isn't the way to handle this....its actually the worst form of escapism. Seriously, its really ridiculous how prone our society is to not dealing with problems head-on.


VERY sage advice from Nikita! Whatever you do, PLEASE do not go on the "famous" anti-anxiety meds.... the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines... this includes Klonopin (clonazepam), Ativan, Xanax, Valium, Tranxene, among DOZENS of others. These are wonderful for SHORT-TERM use for severe anxiety attacks (14 days or less) but are a nightmare the way most docs prescribe them, for months and months on end with endless refills. They know once you get on them, there's no coming off.

If you really want to enter into a living h*ll, these drugs will get you there. They *FRY* the GABA receptors in your brain, altering your brain chemistry long-term, and are almost *IMPOSSIBLE *to come off of. Trust me, I know. They will ruin your life.

Go to counseling, go to a shaman, hire a life-coach, hike to the peak of Mt. Everest... do ANYTHING but go on these meds!

(My ex was a very accomplished, well-known neurologist. One of the few things we actually agreed on during our marriage -- *he absolutely WOULD NOT prescribe these drugs for ANYONE.* Originally used for siezures, they are a very dangerous class of drugs prescribed by family docs and psychiatrists WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THEY ALTER BRAIN CHEMISTRY. My ex has spent the last 20 years of his professional life speaking out against these deadly drugs. Go to YouTube and search for "benzodiazepine withdrawal" and see the ENDLESS videos of people trying to get off this horrible class of drugs. It will make you cry. I personally know 3 people whose lives were DESTROYED by these drugs. Please PM me if you are considering going down this road...)

Sorry everyone. I will get off my soap box now.

:soapbox:


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

JellyBeans- thanks for your response. I definitely understand the surreal aspect. I am working on finding a job and once I have an income starting to find activities to fill my time. It definitely does hurt at first though.

Oldrandwisr- I hope you are right and that I am able to reconnect with friends from my past but if not hopefully I meet new friends

Jerry- I love that you are so positive! I want that positivity to rub off on me. I am trying though. Mornings are still the hardest but I am realizing that I just have to make the day as positive as it can be. I am currently trying to do the 'fake it til you make it' so even if I am super depressed inside I try and smile on the outside. 

Happyasaclam- I envy you/am baffled by your emotions. I wish I could feel that way. Definitely something to explore with my counselor.

Nikita- I get what your saying. I need to put on my big girl pants and make my own positivity/happiness. I am working on it...it's just an uphill battle and I feel like for every step forward I take I take 3 back. I would like to say about the blaming the ex issue- I am not saying I was the perfect wife or I do not have annoying habits (I do) etc BUT for someone to cheat, lie and slander his wife while she is ill after refusing to attend counseling or doctors appts with her- I completely think that he is/was in the wrong. 100%.

I, per everyone's advice and lots of internet research, agree that taking any anti anxiety or depression meds will definitely do more harm than good.

I know I am lucky for what I have and that I need to get on my big girl pants and start over. I am just having a hard time with it still. I know this is a many month process and am frustrated with it working that way. But since I cannot control that I will need to embrace it. I'm putting out my resume and pray and get a job soon- I think that will help so so much


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Go ahead and do the fake it till you make it thing. I totally understand. But there will be a day when you "make it". 

Make that day tomorrow. Really. You KNOW what I mean. Start your new life tomorrow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Today is not a good day in the road to recovery. I am still waking up with mini panic attacks (how do I get rid of these??) and the divorce/ lack of friends/ no job issue on my mind.

This kills me because yesterday I was fine. I had a good day reading, going out to exercise, and playing with my dog. I signed up to get on mailing lists for two clubs and applied for jobs.

I am having a lot of resentment issues about things my mom and sister said to me (my sister, who has never been in a relationship, believes that I must have done something to cause my husband to do this to me and since that would mean the divorce is my fault, let people know that, and let him have a good life... kmn.) but they get to continue their happy lives with all their friends as well as my stbx treating me the way he has without much repercussion. I am supposed to see them soon, and my extended family soon after that, and that is just causing insane amounts of anxiety.

Is this normal to flip/ flop like this? Any advice on the resentment issues?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Flip-flopping is totally normal. You'll have very good days and then really bad ones.

I think the resentment you feel over what your sister said is normal. However; it might help you to consider where she's coming from - in that she has no idea what she's talking about so has the propensity to say ignorant things. 

She's never been married or in a relationship. She hasn't been cheated on, she didn't live with your husband and see the bad sides of him that you got to see. She didn't suffer from a painful illness that made sex unbearable, she didn't deal with an unempathetic, manipulative man in real life. So while hurtful, don't invest too much weight on her opinions as she doesn't know what she's talking about. 

I think a lot of good advice was given to you by everyone that posted but I do disagree about what people are saying about anti-anxiety meds and depression meds. 

I take a low-dose anti-depressant which is an SSRI - selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor. It's non-habit forming. It also didn't mask my emotions. I still feel things deeply - sadness, joy, love, anger, boredom, excitement etc. They didn't make me feel numb, they made me feel more like "myself". I was still going through a sh!tty time, however; I was able to proces it much better, much more rationally and effectively than when I "crashed".

I was doing "fine" for five or six months after separating. I was a firecracker, and was working hard at recovery and making progress and feeling stronger, I made new friends, I improved my wardrobe, I fell head over heels in love with my newborn and was feeling optimistic about things. 

Then six months later, I crashed. I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, had verbal ticks (involuntarily said things out loud), had compulsions to floss my teeth way too often, would cry for in short bursts (literally for seconds while washing my hands in the bathroom) off and on all day, thought obsessively about my spouse and his affair, my hair started falling out by the handful, I was angry and had a short fuse, my weight was dropping quickly and I had a lot of suicidal idealization. All of this despite counseling, meditation, exercise, journaling, support groups, new friends, going out to activity groups with my kids et al. 


In all honesty, I have always had mild depression. Never to the extent that I suffered it a year ago though - that was NUTS! So I was against medication for myself and always dealt with it by using other coping methods such as diet or exercise or journaling and it got better that way. However, when you experience something traumatic then it can cause severe depression or really exacerbate symptoms in someone that is naturally depressed.

Once I started taking meds, everything got better almost over night. I seriously don't know where I'd be without them or how my kids would be doing if they had to have the mess of the mother I described above. That wasn't any way to live and I couldn't make any progress towards healing when I was in such a state. Taking meds enabled me to cope with my situation and move forward and be stronger for myself and for my kids.

I think it's okay to take meds if you need them but do your research about them first. Find out what the side-affects are, if it's habit forming, read people's personal accounts WebMD has a great comment section with people describing how they reacted to specific meds before you make your decision about what to take, if you're going to take something. 

/My two cents


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

I took anti-anxiety meds for 7-8 months. They were helpful. If you cannot sleep, cannot eat, are loosing weight unhealthily, and your body is in just a state of tension that even when you are having a good day your are tense, then go ahead and get on them for a while. They are not a long-term solution to your issues. And they will not get rid of the underlying problems. 

But they can take just enough edge off so that you can function. Follow your doctor's advice, not people you do not know on the internet on this one. You can read about our stories and those of us who took meds for a while and see if that is for you. 

There are side effects, and getting off Effexor was not fun for me, but I am glad I was on it for a while. There is absolutely no shame in it. Your body is in fight or flight mode and there is nothing you can do to shut it off right now. 

You are going to need a plan of action though to deal with stuff. How about trying to get a job first. Once you get a job, how about making sure to get to the gym to work out some of the tension? Then, how about getting out and making some new friends? Churches and other religious groups are a place to start, divorce support groups, 12 step groups for codependency (I see all the signs of codependency in your post), online meetups for people with similar interests, whatever. Once you can afford it, IC would be a really good idea.

Get an action plan together and do not be ashamed to take medication. It is there to help you, but it will not solve the underlying issues.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Arendt said:


> I took anti-anxiety meds for 7-8 months. They were helpful...There are side effects, and getting off Effexor was not fun for me, but I am glad I was on it for a while. There is absolutely no shame in it.


Effexor is an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and NOT AT ALL like the class of drugs known as benzodiazepines, which are handed out like candy by family docs and psychiatrists. SSRIs are antidepressants (although often used for anxiety too) and act on completely different brain receptors than the dreaded benzos. I see no harm either in taking SSRIs for short term relief of anxiety, although I still believe there are other more "natural" ways to deal which can be just as effective, if not more.

I am not a doctor, although I was married to one  (lame, I know!) I am on a mission to spread the word about the nightmare that *benzodiazepines* can be.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If people have the nerve to say you must have failed in some way, when you were married to a cheater and a liar then THEY are the ones with the problem. 

Unless they've walked a mile in ours shoes they haven't a clue what they are talking about. 

You could do some research on approval seeking behavior. 

Excessive guilt/low self esteem is a symptom of depression. 

If your symptoms interfere with daily life; excessive crying, guilt, morbid thoughts, suicidal fantasies, weight loss/gain you may have to talk to your doctor again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

miche4 said:


> I am having a lot of resentment issues about things my mom and sister said to me (my sister, who has never been in a relationship, believes that I must have done something to cause my husband to do this to me and since that would mean the divorce is my fault, let people know that, and let him have a good life... kmn.)
> 
> Is this normal to flip/ flop like this? Any advice on the resentment issues?


Next time she makes a comment like that tell her "Talk to me about it when you are married. Otherwise, I don't care for your commentary on my marriage." 

And yes, normal to flip flip. VERY normal.

People are always going to have an opinion and talk smack. Just know tat only you and your husband were in the marriage and the only two people who know what went down/lived it.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope you are doing better today!!

Thing is, you really need to distance yourself from negative people. The more you are around them, the more you will feel resentment because their words and opinions are causing that. 

See, you had a good day with the dog and exercising. That's what you need to do more. It's amazing what a good workout can do to the soul. 

If I'm feeling down or having tough day I lift for a good 45 minutes and I feel like a million bucks! Like nothing can stop me. That's the confidence you need. 

Remember, positive thoughts. You only want the positive energy coming to you, no,no,no negative energy. 


For right now, stay off the drugs unless you really need them. But I think you don't!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi everyone...

No panic attack today, had counseling, ran errands and spent time with my dog. I still feel like I'm really not moving forward as much as I need to be without a job but I am submitting apps daily (job= money= moving out, potential to meet friends, etc)

Ok did a more thorough look into the SSRIs and benzodiazepines (and while I am not a huge medication person, although I do have to take some due to ongoing health issues, I am not judging anyone who does). Talked to a doctor and since theyre unsure of the potential interactions with my current meds and a SSRI, they would rather wait until I absolutely need to take it.

Oh joy the flip flopping is brutal. I am not looking forward to this for the next few months.

Unfortunately my family situation is negative so until I can leave I am trying to learn to cope with it. I do feel that this will not improve my emotional well-being but I really do not have another option in my living situation ( I couldn't afford to stay and live where I was with a friend).

Current plan of action is to do whatever I can to get a job. Once this happens I can: save up enough money to leave, have money to actually get more involved with people and start a new life.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Whatever you do don't tell your mom and sister what led to his cheating. You'll never hear the end of it. Just tell them it's none of their business.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Oh there is no way I ever would. You are 100% correct that I would get annihilated for that. I truly do think though he shouldn't have cheated regardless of the situation. Was the situation sh!tty? yes. Do I like having that issue? no. Was there anything more I could have done? no.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

The way you think is a choice. Choose not to be ashamed.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Stevenj said:


> The way you think is a choice. Choose not to be ashamed.


Shame is not simply a cognition. It is also an emotion and condition. If I could just stop feeling shame regarding the divorce I would since it would definitely make things easier for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Hey Miche....

If you have time, watch this....especially at the 20 minute mark but watch from beginning. 

Jack Canfield Explains Activating the Law of Attraction - YouTube
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Shame is not simply a cognition. It is also an emotion and condition. If I could just stop feeling shame regarding the divorce I would since it would definitely make things easier for me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I suspect if you got away from your family, the shame would lessen if not totally disappear. You need to realize their views are extremely narrow and unrealistic.

Are you having any luck finding divorce support groups? I realize you have to live at home right now, but try to spend every possible waking minute AWAY from negative, unsupportive people. If you're parents are always home, spend the day away from home. Leave the house before they're up. They are doing nothing for your self esteem. Please do not put value into how they perceive you....really, how much do you agree with their mentality?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Jerry- I watched the video (so long haha) and while I do not agree with all his viewpoints I definitely understand why you had me watch it

Daffodilly- I have been trying to stay away during the day as much as I can... I think once I'm working more and meet people my away time will increase. I do not agree with their views but I think because they raised me with those views I sometime see things that way


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I have been seeing a counselor since I moved for the shame issues in addition to all the issues that someone experiences with a divorce. While I still am having more shame than I should, talking to a counselor has helped but she feels that I will be in counseling for quite a while do to the shame, issues with my family, and with what happened with my ex husband. 

She's also concerned because while I am a shy person I know I need to go meet new friends in this area since I really don't know anyone (other than my ex's friends which he slandered me to) but I have some irrational fear/ anxiety about trying to meet people/ friends. Is this normal? Has something similar happened to anyone? I desperately want to make some friends but my ex was the social one in the relationship and I really only met people through him so it has been a long time since I have done this on my own. I have also realized that I gave up a lot of my former friendships to be with him which was a very bad move on my part but I was young. I did try reconnecting with some of those people but understandably they were not interested after such a length of time. I know there is meetup, volunteering, etc but everytime I have joined something I end up freaking out and backing out. I don't know if that means I'm just not ready to be out in the world again but I am lonely and living with my unsupportive family is not helping (the weekends are the worst since I only work during the week, I am trying to see if I can find a weekend job, and I don't know anyone to go do anything with).

on a very positive note- I got a job! It doesn't pay much but it means I am out of the house on a regular basis and now have some income. I was hoping that I could maybe make friends at work but I am not sure if that will happen in this position. It is a small office with only 4 other women who are all at least 10 years older, married with kids. I have tried to be friendly and they are nice back but they do not involve me with lunches, gossip, etc

One of the things my counselor talked about was having someone that I trust to talk to about my divorce. My friends that helped me move know what happened but they are there and I am here. An older female relative has been very supportive during my transition and knows that I am having difficulties living with family again. She just knows the very basics (he cheated and I left)but I asked her if she would be willing to talk with me about the divorce. She agreed. As a thanks I offered dinner. Now it has turned into a dinner and discussion of the divorce but I am concerned that 1) I will cry at the dinner or make her uncomfortable, 2) she is only agreeing because she knows how bad my situation is where I am living and feels guilty, and 3) I don't even know what to tell her... how in depth do I get? And how do I make it appear as more of a sounding board/I trust you situation vs pity party (I don't want her to feel as if I am trying to gain her sympathy)

Has anyone gone through similar issues? Is this normal? I feel like all I can fixate on is either my lack of friends or my unhappiness over my divorce. But then suddenly I will wake up and for a day I can ignore these issues and everything is fine but it is so short lived


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Today is not a good day in the road to recovery. I am still waking up with mini panic attacks (how do I get rid of these??) and the divorce/ lack of friends/ no job issue on my mind.
> 
> This kills me because yesterday I was fine. I had a good day reading, going out to exercise, and playing with my dog. I signed up to get on mailing lists for two clubs and applied for jobs.
> 
> ...


Do your sister and mother know that he is a habitual cheater?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

They know that I have proof that he cheated sometime around when he asked for the divorce.... if he cheated before that I do not know. It happened very quickly. They have very old school beliefs that the wife must have been an awful person to make her husband treat her that way

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/176193-lack-sex-marriage-due-illness.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/176801-husband-cheated-due-illness.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

miche4 said:


> They know that I have proof that he cheated sometime around when he asked for the divorce.... if he cheated before that I do not know. It happened very quickly. They have very old school beliefs that the wife must have been an awful person to make her husband treat her that way
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/176193-lack-sex-marriage-due-illness.html
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/176801-husband-cheated-due-illness.html


Have either your mom or your sister ever had anything bad happen to them? Has anyone ever mistreated them? If so you might want to take the opportunity to ask them what they did to cause the other person to mistreat them. This is not to be mean but to put things in perspective.

You know the truth. Your husband is 100% responsible for his choice to have an affair (or 2 or more). In this life you need to become strong enough to stand by what you know is the truth. 

If your family uses religion as a reason that you should not get a divorce, you might to remind them that the Bible (I assume you are Christian) states that it's a valid reason for divorce.

Perhaps you are the person in your family who can take up banner for teaching the women and men in your family that no one should ever stay in a marriage in which they are mistreated. 

It does sound like you are in the middle of a depression. It's understandable. Perhaps a change of focus from yourself and your own misery to things outside of yourself would help to bring out of it.

You could volunteer somewhere. Help out at a hospital or nursing home. Check with local charities, your church, etc, to see what kind of help they need.

As you have been pointing out, it's very awkward to make friends. But if you get involved in something, like a charity, then there is a common ground for building friendships.

Another thing that you might find helpful is to become active in things you enjoy. There is a website that has activities that anyone can join, it's not a dating site. Find your people - Meetup Perhaps you can find something you enjoy on there.

For example I have recently started to crochet and knit again. I'm looking to learn more stiches/patterns, so I'm thinking of going to a meet-up on that site for a group of women in my area who meet once a month for exactly that purpose. They also do arts shows.. I think that will be fun. I'm also doing it because I need to meet more people. I've become too much of a house mouse in the last few years.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My mother has had bad things happen to her but due to her religious beliefs in her mind it is God's will. As for my sister she has been dealt a very lucky lot in life.

I am trying to go out and meet people but yes am finding it very awkward. I feel like I am wearing a sign that says 'depressed due to failed marriage' add in my social anxiety and it has not been going well. I am also terrified of running into his friends- I think that is another issue also, I am embarrassed because even though he made all these bad choices he would still come back to a large group of friends... ( I was foolish and did not stay in touch with many of my friends. I did try and reconnect with a few and because it has been so long they are not interested)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Miche,

Reading through your last post, I agree with your counselor -- you are going to need to hang in there with counseling for quite a while to understand and address your low self-esteem issues. These issues go much deeper and further back in your life than just being embarassed or ashamed of your divorce.

As to your 3 points:

*1) I will cry at the dinner or make her uncomfortable*

There is nothing wrong with crying in front of your female relative! This is what people do when they are discussing difficult, life-altering circumstances, especially with a family member who loves them. NOTHING WRONG WITH CRYING. If your tears are sincere (and they are) and are not being used to manipulate someone, crying is nothing to be ashamed of.

*2) she is only agreeing because she knows how bad my situation is where I am living and feels guilty*

This is ridiculous! You need to learn Cognitive Behavioral Therapy so you can stop these very negative conversations in your head the second they start. She has agreed to see you because she loves you and supports you, NOT BECAUSE SHE FEELS GUILTY ABOUT YOUR LIVING SITUATION.

*3) I don't even know what to tell her... how in depth do I get? And how do I make it appear as more of a sounding board/I trust you situation vs pity party (I don't want her to feel as if I am trying to gain her sympathy)*

Why in the world would you NOT want to gain her sympathy?!?! You are going through the biggest trial in your life! What normal person, especially a family member, wouldn't feel bad and sympathize? As for not knowing what to tell her, just start at the beginning. She will undoubtedly ask questions and you can fill in the details as you go. You don't need to prepare a "script" before you go. Just be natural.

One last thing... I would print out that last post (the one I quoted above) and take it to your counselor to read. Do not edit it or change a word. It will be very helpful and VERY revealing for her to see just how deep your shame and self-esteem issues are rooted.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Miche,

If your relative agreed, it's because she WANTS to. She's not obligated to talk/help you in any way. So please stop over thinking her reaching out to you.....she wants to! 

And congratulations on getting a job so quickly, even if it's not ideal. As for the other women in the office....it takes time to build friendships/relationships. Give it time.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

miche4 said:


> I have tried to be friendly and they are nice back but they do not involve me with lunches, *gossip*, etc.


Congratulations on getting the new job! But trust me, you IN NO WAY should WANT to be involved in office gossip. Be friendly, personable, but DON'T feel left out because they are not including you. You are still new, and the last thing you want, especially in a small office, is to start participating in gossip-filled lunches.

Be the best employee you can be, but you should remain aloof to all the office politics.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Happyasaclam- I have resigned myself to being in therapy for a while. While I've never had very good self-esteem, my ex cheating and lying as well as realizing I have no friends in this area has really killed what little I had left. I want to be happy again, I would do anything for it, so therapy and just putting myself out there is really what I'm going to have to do. My therapist is aware of this issue and also thinks my recurring panic attacks are being exacerbated by my lack of self-esteem.

I am seeing my relative later this week. I just really have those worries in my head and although I can recognize that my way of thinking is not the best I am going to need help in changing it. I just don't want to inconvenience her (Daffodilly I am the one who reached out to her)

Thank you! I am excited to have a job and be able to fill up some of my day. I am a bit concerned because of the recurring panic attacks (will I ever meet friends, lonliness on the weekends, lack of money, no family support) as I have been super shaky and scatterbrained at work. I am trying to always check my work though and be as polite as possible. I have only been there a couple days but my supervisor already noticed that I was a bit 'off' I apologized and explained that I am dealing with a major family issue (didn't want to get into the divorce explanation as I just met this person). Avoiding office politics is very much something I want to do, and I am aware friendships don't happen overnight, I think just the combo of lonliness, depression, and anxiety is making me an emotional time bomb :/

I am throwing caution the wind (and trying not to panic as I do it) by attending a meetup event this week. I have heard very mixed reviews on these but it is a way to get out of the house for a bit.

Edited to add: is it normal to feel this much despair?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Miche, 
********** here. I was wondering how you are doing. 


> Edited to add: is it normal to feel this much despair?


YES IT IS!

Firstly you definitely sound as if you are depressed, induced by your divorce. Therefore your doc is right - anti-depressants may make you feel a little better, they will address the symptoms but not the cause. When we're depressed we can't see anything good about our situation at all. We focus on all the bad stuff. That is what being depressed is. I know because I've been there too, more than once. 

What to do? it's tough, real tough. A lot of people go through painful times like this. You often hear people say, "i don't know how I got through it." I myself left my husband and I had 3 small children and very little money. All my family lived on another continent. I had no support at all. Yet I got through it & looking back I just don't know how I did. *The secret is to keep putting one foot past the other. *The steps might be small some days, yet on others the step will be a big one. You have already taken the biggest step by leaving that horrible man. And you have even taken another, you got a job. I know you will get past this simply because you took the biggest and hardest step of all, getting out of your marriage. That's how I know you can do it. You will get past all this and one day you too will look back and wonder how you did it. 

Sometimes in these situations it's better to address the practicalities first and it distracts you from the emotional pain. So I'm going to go through it all step by step. 

JOB
IMO the first practicality is your job. A job gives us freedom. You got a job right? See you already did something because I remember you saying it would be hard to get a job. Yet you did. So take a deep breath and put all your energy into your job because you need it. It's your lifeline. So each day as you go in there, promise yourself you won't think about the crap you are going through. It will make you perform badly. If it comes into your head push it right back out. Tell yourself that you will think about all that crap in your life when you leave work. Got it? Start tomorrow. Focus on your work, lose yourself in it. Stay a bit later even if they don't pay you for it. Be diligent so they see you are a hard worker. It will be hard for the first few days but gradually you will get used to it. Work is work. After work you can think about all the crap.

HEALTH
Your health was improving you said, the meds were beginning to work. Is that still the case? If so reflect on what it was like before the meds started to improve things. So there's one small positive & it's not small actually because it's your health. 
Make sure you are eating well. Take some exercise each day too, even just a walk. It's good for our minds as well as our physical fitness. if you can, join a local gym. There are lots of cheap ones as well as the fancy ones. For sleep, I find listening to the radio puts me to sleep real quick. Tune into a show called "This American Life" - it's on a public radio station in the US. Google it - it's the most listened to podcast on the internet. Really quirky, it draws you in so much that you forget all the crap that's going on. Makes me do that. It's my sleeping pill. You may find a local radio show you like. Buy a little radio at the $2 store if you don't have the net. 

EX-HUSBAND
You got away from that excuse of a man. He won't make ANYONE a good partner. After a while he will tire of her and go back to his usual tricks. That's just how those kind of men are. They charm their wife for a while but then the real him comes out. A poster aged 60 said she wishes she was you, that she got out when she was in her 20s. Look at it like that Miche. Imagine a lifetime with him. Do you know how many people stay in bad marriages because they just can't find the strength to leave? It's really really hard to do even if the marriage sucks. Because it is scary. Well girl, YOU found that strength. I said at the time that I felt humbled by your strength as you had that horrible husband, your health issues and no money as well as the fact that you knew your own family don't approve of divorce, but yet you had the courage to do so. I don't think you realise how amazing that was, your first and hardest step. And there are a few more ahead sure. But you did it. You don't have to deal with him and his cruelty anymore. He was just a pig Miche, sorry but he was and I am so glad you got away from him. You are on the other side now and you got there all by yourself. Nobody helped you do it. See what I mean. You are actually getting somewhere even though it's real hard and you think you're not. Every time you think of him just think, "I'm glad I got away from him." All the posters couldn't have been wrong. Pat yourself on the back. OK?

FRIENDS
You know Miche when I count my good friends, I can only count 2 or 3. The rest are acquaintances. We don't need lots of friends. One or two close friends is what most people have when they boil it down. Also as we go through different stages of life old friends leave and new ones come in. We move, change jobs and all that. So try not to stress that you don't have any. They will come in time but you can't force it. For now you have to be a little patient. I think I said before join a club - something you are interested in, a book club, or yoga, or table tennis. It can be anything. Learn a new language - that's always a good way to get to know some people. You might also think about joining a divorce support group in you area. Look it up on the net. It's really good to be with people going through the same thing because they understand. 

FAMILY & OTHERS WHO DISAPPROVE
Forget what all those people are saying to you about not valuing marriage. When they say that, hit them with this. *"I do value marriage but it was very hard to when my husband was carrying on with other women behind my back including asking my girlfriends to sleep with him."* That will shut them up pretty darn quick. Tell the truth about it - please do. Why wouldn't you. That's what happened. they are judging you so hit them with the truth. 
Right now it's all fresh and new and raw. It's news. Do you still think they will be talking about it in a year, or even in a few months? I can tell you they won't. Happened to me. Everyone thought my husband was wonderful and that I was horrible to break up the family. Initially I said nothing and kept everything that happened secret. But the I got mighty pi$$ed off and I began to stand up for myself. I used a sentence like the one I told you to use above. And it shut them up. And they were shocked. So Miche, be brave, get that strength out because it's there, we know it is and stand up for yourself. use that sentence above when ANYONE & I mean ANYONE talks to you about it. It's hard not to care what people think, easy to say, not easy to do. But the thing is that people aren't thinking about you all the time. You look at them and think "they think I'm terrible." You know what? They may think that for a few seconds and then they are wondering what they have for dinner, which movie they will go to, what they'll wear to work. We're all selfish Miche, believe it or not because mostly people are focused on themselves. So don't get paranoid thinking all those people are thinking about you. Do you really think they are? They're not. Truly. 

FRIENDS GETTING MARRIED. 
Yes it's tough, you are getting divorced and a lot of people in your age are getting married. What's the divorce rate? 50%. So half of them will end up getting divorced. And they will have kids by then. It will be very messy. It's statistics Miche. That's just how it is. That' the reality. One good thing about your marriage is that you didn't have a child with him. He would be in your life forever, not paying child support, demeaning you, you can imagine what he would be like. So you are one of the lucky ones believe it or not. And what happens to the 50% who divorce? Do they all stay single for the rest of their lives? Of course they don't. 

It's a big world out there Miche. You are getting back out into it. Look on the next 12 months as a process. You will slowly come out of your shell into the sunshine again. You are not in an abusive situation any more. There are wonderful things ahead for you. 

I sense your despair. Everyone feels like that going through times like this when there is so much on your plate. When I was at my lowest ebb, a friend said that to me one day. I had just left my husband. She said, "You know all you can do ********** is put one foot past the other right now. Just keep doing that and in a year, or even a few months you will be amazed to see that things will start falling into place." She was right. They did start falling into place. 

I never forgot that advice and I still use it because I too have some crap going down. My mantra as if you don't know it by now 

Just keep putting one foot past the other Miche.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

********** I have been rereading your advice and trying to follow it. I give major props to people that went through this with children- that must have been incredibly difficult. 

Things seem to be progressing and I am just trying to keep going one day at a time. The job is going well but I will need to use it to find another since it does not make enough to leave my family's home. My health is still stable but I do believe the stress of the situation has not helped- I will probably see a doctor soon to see if there is anything I need to do.

I have had days where I can be happy and just enjoy things... not at the normal amount but it's still better than I was before. I do still think I'm sometimes in shock that I will never see my ex again or that he did this- I still feel like I am in a dream sometimes

The family situation is still not the best- my mother is no longer mean about the divorce but there is no empathy from either side, they just expect me to act normal...like nothing happened. They also do not understand why I do not want to speak with my sister and have forced us to have conversation.

I spoke with my relative and while she was not extremely sympathetic she did feel bad for me and what had happened (she's a very practical person so maybe she isn't very sympathetic to begin with? I don't know). She definitely feels that it was best that I left even though my living situation is not the best. She understands that as soon as I can afford to I will find my own place (she does not agree with how my immediate family is handling things)

I joined a support group and it has helped. My feelings were rather hurt though because I had a man tell me that my marriage was not "real" compared to someone with a 25year+ kids. I already have remorse because of my age and the sex issue in our marriage so that stung (although I obviously did not bring up the sex issue at the meetings just his infidelity-although sometimes that makes me feel like that is unfair to do... but I have to remind myself that if the roles had been reversed I would not have cheated)

I was very happy though as I met two "younger" divorcees through the group (I'm still the youngest) and we have made plans a few times 

Sidenote- I am still seeing my counselor. She feels that my lack of self-esteem/ shame issues stem from my childhood and we are working on it

I will just keep putting one foot past the other


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

miche4 said:


> I will just keep putting one foot past the other


Miche4 - you're doing mighty fine and you are a very strong lady though you may not feel it. Go back and read a few of your earlier posts - you're doing better than fine TBH. 
The job is going well. 
Your health is stable and yes now that you have moved, good idea to see a doc and fill him/her in on your medical history so they can check you out and monitor you. 
You have days where you can feel happy and enjoy things. That's HUGE. 
Great you went to the support group and you have already met 2 others in your situation that you can do stuff with. Remember how you said you had no friends? New friends will come, especially when you make the effort to get out there.
The counsellor sounds good and you sound comfortable with her which is very important. 
You needn't mention the sexual issue in your marriage to others at all and I was really glad that you said and I quote:


> *I have to remind myself that if the roles had been reversed I would not have cheated*


THAT is the most important thing for you to remember. 

Frankly I think you are doing amazing work. You are turning your life around which is always scary. Now it's time to start looking after Miche and not try to please others. Your childhood and family life sounds as if it didn't honour you at all. It's tough they are not making it easy for you. But once you get your own place, you only have to see them occasionally when you feel like it. Many families are like that. We can't choose them and are stuck with them but we can choose our friends and the type of life we want to live.

I know it's hard, every BS on here knows how hard it is. Keep going. You will get through this. Don't let that horrible WS get the better of you. He was such a jerk but you have left him behind a 1000 miles away where he belongs. It was the most important thing you had to do and the hardest.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Nobody can force you to do anything. I know you're stuck because of living arrangements but she can't force you to speak to her. 

That's great you're meeting new people. Are they male or female devorcee?

You are miles ahead from just 2 weeks ago. 

Is your ex in contact with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I am trying but it is hard. I feel for every time I have a good moment (ie going to support group and meeting people) afterwards I take 5 steps back. 

I'm so glad you guys think I am doing well because I was concerned that I was not.

I am still dealing with fear/anxiety. If I think too much about something (omg what if I get too scared to keep trying to make friends and I don't have anyone still in a year) I end up having a massive anxiety attack :/

As for the depression my main issue is whenever I wake up in the mornings I still feel like this is just a nightmare. I immediately realize that it isn't which just hurts me so much. I then think of all the hurt and lying he did and just cannot believe it. I don't know why someone would go out of their way to cause that much excessive hurt to someone they had once loved. My counselor has tried to tell me that we need to focus on me now and not what he did but she understands that the fact that he went out of his way to hurt me and cause issues for me whether or not I had moved was just malicious.

I have a divorce meeting today so hopefully it will have some good perspective. I'm still talking to my relative and she has been trying to help me whenever she can which has been really nice.

I am working on getting the doctors appointment. 

I am going to discuss the talking to the sister issue with my family. They think her saying hello cancels her disrespectful comments- I disagree.

The ones I met were both female. There was a younger male there but he was not interested in getting to know anyone.

No, he is not in contact with me but he is with a few mutual friends. They know to not talk to me about him. On the rare occasion we have had to discuss something it is always via message and ends with him saying something mean to me. I know that the nc is best but it just hurts that you can have a life with someone and they can just throw it all away so easily.

Another frustrating factor is that he lied to so many of our friends. With several I was able to expose him and show proof of what he had done and he has lost those friendships. But with others (several of the ones in this area) when I tried to say anything they felt it was just a he said vs she said/ scorned wife situation and so they all still think he is some great guy who would never do that-especially since I was the one who left the situation so quickly and removed everyone from social media. Thankfully I have not had to speak with them after that ( I was so hurt that they did not believe me) but dealing with the resentment about that situation has been tough 

I keep trying to remind myself that he cannot control the rest of my life. I have to get past this and move on. It really has not been very long but I am not a patient person and I will need to learn that during this healing process.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

miche4 said:


> Another frustrating factor is that he lied to so many of our friends. With several I was able to expose him and show proof of what he had done and he has lost those friendships. But with others (several of the ones in this area) when I tried to say anything they felt it was just a he said vs she said/ scorned wife situation and so they all still think he is some great guy who would never do that-especially since I was the one who left the situation so quickly and removed everyone from social media. Thankfully I have not had to speak with them after that ( I was so hurt that they did not believe me) but dealing with the resentment about that situation has been tough,


Hey Miche4, so you did it. Bravo. Woohoo. That's brilliant and he has lost friendships over it and you are no longer being slandered. Doesn't that make you feel good? You stood up for yourself - no one slanders Miche & gets away with it right?

You've talked to those local friends? Yes talk is just talk. Why don't you email them the proof too. All you probably have to do is email one & they will tell the others. A short email saying, 
_"I've tried to explain to you what happened and you didn't believe me. Here is a small example of what he did. Would you stay married to someone who did that and who showed no remorse but instead attacked me when I found out, became really nasty and slandered me to all my friends?" _



> I keep trying to remind myself that he cannot control the rest of my life. I have to get past this and move on. It really has not been very long but I am not a patient person and I will need to learn that during this healing process.


You're right Miche, it's hard to have patience. But girl it's only been weeks! Boy you are one impatient lady.  It's a process and the more stuff you do outside of it and keep busy, the faster that process will be. Maybe consider getting a 2nd job a couple of nights a week or something? Make yourself tired with all your activities so you sleep well at night. 

Boy, are you doing well. Congratulations on all you have achieved in a ridiculously short time.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Miche,

Are you working out? Hard physical training will give positive feelings.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Miche, remember that this is fresh and your feelings are normal and valid. We here have been through and come out the other end. It takes time to heal, more or less depending on the person. It's all individual, but usually about 2 years to really get a good start. 

This is a new life for you, a new start. You will always be Miche but now you've been upgraded to Miche 2.0. There are improvements that will make you stronger, smarter, wiser, and able to support and defend yourself. You will not look at the world in the same way again. I do believe you'll recover well but it takes desire and dedication, and of course, time. You are doing what you can - give yourself credit. There is no secret formula or measure of success here. Keep posting and keep in action.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Nice work so far!!

Thank God you have no kids with him so once divorce is absolutely final you have no reason to be contacted by him. 

If he continues after divorce the just file a police report. 

Who flipping cares what he told mutual friends. You know the truth and that is all that matters. 

Stay positive, like the link I sent you, you are actually doing the "law of attraction" without even knowing it. Separate yourself from people who are negative, replace them with positive people and you have a new life. 

You are so young, find the right guy and start a family. You'll know the right guy when you meet him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WantingToFly (Apr 19, 2014)

Forgive me, as I have only read the original post and a few responses. But the title and OP resonates with me greatly. The shame and embarrassment of divorce and separation is horrible. It keeps some from moving towards happiness or doing what's right in the end. I have been dreading this but have to accept that I'm in the "club" now. (Pardon my sense of sarcasm, please....it's the only way for me to cope at times.)

I come from a very religious, though highly dysfunctional family....very large too, I might add. Within my parents generation, only one divorce. My aunt left her scumbag, alcoholic, abusive cop husband. No one could really blame her for that. As for my generation, I have 25 cousins or so, most married (and most about as dysfunctional as me!), and only my brother is divorced. My parents were so disappointed. I think they are embarrassed to have the child who broke the religious "covenant" of marriage -even though we were not really raised in the church. (My parents are each deeply religious....different from each other though.) 

Now I am separating and I'm devastated. Embarrassed. Ashamed. Guilty. All of it. I want to hide under rock. I feel like a complete failure not only for myself, but moreso for my son. I do not plan on even telling my family at this point (none of them live nearby and we're not close and don't communicate often). I am going to fight to work it out and if it doesn't? I have no idea what to tell them. I am sort of mad that my brother divorced because being the second to divorce is way worse than being the first to divorce. (Sort of a joke, but not really!) 

I hope you continue to see your counselor; I see one weekly and will continue to see one as long as I need to. (Which will be a looooong time.) I will definitely read through the rest more carefully, but being brand new to the forum, I just felt the need to respond about the original idea of shame.

Best of luck to you.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

********** said:


> You're right Miche, it's hard to have patience. But girl it's only been weeks! Boy you are one impatient lady.  It's a process and the more stuff you do outside of it and keep busy, the faster that process will be. Maybe consider getting a 2nd job a couple of nights a week or something? Make yourself tired with all your activities so you sleep well at night.


I think I am so impatient because I am just so sad. I know others have felt like this and made it through but I would do anything at this point to never feel this way again. I also feel like a loser because I did not keep in touch with friends here (I really don't know why... I need to explore this with my counselor as it is quite depressing) but my ex did so I feel like I lose no matter what with this. Though I am so happy I met those two people from the divorce meeting. Hopefully they could become friendships ( I don't know if my fragile self-esteem could handle if they didn't). Even though I want his friends to know the truth I think at this point I can't handle any more possible rejection. I've deleted all their contact info (and as a result my social media and phone contact list looks a bit sad) so I would really have to go out of my way to get in touch with these people. I feel like maybe I shouldn't have been so hasty in deleting some of them but what is done is done.

I have your advice forever imprinted upon my brain though and whenever I wake up depressed because I realize that this isn't a nightmare (I will celebrate when that feeling goes away) I try and use it as a mantra "just keep putting one foot past the other"


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Miche,
> 
> Are you working out? Hard physical training will give positive feelings.


I am still doing my daily walks. In time I hope to join a gym. While I do feel good after the walks I absolutely dread the walking because it gives me time to think about my situation. I think if I could join a gym or a work out class I would be too focused to think and could possibly meet people


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Satya said:


> Miche, remember that this is fresh and your feelings are normal and valid. We here have been through and come out the other end. It takes time to heal, more or less depending on the person. It's all individual, but usually about 2 years to really get a good start.
> 
> This is a new life for you, a new start. You will always be Miche but now you've been upgraded to Miche 2.0. There are improvements that will make you stronger, smarter, wiser, and able to support and defend yourself. You will not look at the world in the same way again. I do believe you'll recover well but it takes desire and dedication, and of course, time. You are doing what you can - give yourself credit. There is no secret formula or measure of success here. Keep posting and keep in action.


You are right. I need to accept that this is a "normal" way to feel. I am just terrified that in a year (or two) that I will still be depressed and not have a steady set of friends. I know there is only so much I can control this. I hope you are right that I will recover well as I would do anything at this point to make it true. It's such a crazy and terrifying roller coaster... I just wish things were a bit different


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

jerry123 said:


> Nice work so far!!
> 
> Thank God you have no kids with him so once divorce is absolutely final you have no reason to be contacted by him.
> 
> ...


Thank you I am trying my hardest. I never thought I'd have to go through divorce by myself (although you guys have been fantastic supporters) and need to find out why I even put myself in this awful position to begin with.

It is final. And the only reason he would ever need to contact me in the future is either for something legal or something to do with our animals (we split them up but legally the other can still 'visit' them). I doubt he will so it may be years if I ever have to see him( and yes I am grateful every day for our lack of children). And while it causes much less stress to not speak with him at the same time I wonder how it is so easy for him to just decide to not speak with me again (although I have not spoken with him either but mine is more of self-preservation)

I think with the mutual friends I may just have to count that as a massive loss. I hope they one day learn the truth about him and he has justice for it. I am trying to follow the laws of attraction about being positive to attract positive. I really want some good, positive, kind people in my life. I know it will take a while (but as I've proven I'm a bit impatient and this lack of friends is hard/ embarrassing) but I will do my best to follow it! On my low days I try to stay away from people since I don't want to be viewed as negative.

I think my age is a blessing and a curse. I am too young to give up but am in such an awkward age to make a new life (especially where I once had a life). But I constantly remind myself 'what if this had happened after 20 years of marriage??' There are people here who had to do that and SUCCEEDED. If they can succeed then I must be able to too. Maybe I will one day meet a nice guy.. that would be lovely. But I am absolutely not ready for that yet and I think if I were to come across one now I would be too dependent on him to bring me happiness. I hate using up a year or two of my life to rebuild (some things which should have already existed) but I'm being slapped in the face with the reality that I must or I will forever be stuck.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

WantingToFly said:


> Forgive me, as I have only read the original post and a few responses. But the title and OP resonates with me greatly. The shame and embarrassment of divorce and separation is horrible. It keeps some from moving towards happiness or doing what's right in the end. I have been dreading this but have to accept that I'm in the "club" now. (Pardon my sense of sarcasm, please....it's the only way for me to cope at times.)
> 
> I come from a very religious, though highly dysfunctional family....very large too, I might add. Within my parents generation, only one divorce. My aunt left her scumbag, alcoholic, abusive cop husband. No one could really blame her for that. As for my generation, I have 25 cousins or so, most married (and most about as dysfunctional as me!), and only my brother is divorced. My parents were so disappointed. I think they are embarrassed to have the child who broke the religious "covenant" of marriage -even though we were not really raised in the church. (My parents are each deeply religious....different from each other though.)
> 
> ...


I read your thread and replied. I am so sad for your situation. I am completely understanding of the shame dynamic- my divorce has slapped me with it (how could my husband cheat? Why do I have no friends in my hometown while my ex still does? Will people judge me that I have divorced so young? etc etc). My family sounds very similar although I am the only divorcee (and some family members are coming out of the woodwork to give support for me which has been nice)

You are fighting with all you have. You cannot blame yourself for that. I will continue to be in counseling for a long time as well. I absolutely hate that but it is necessary. Best of luck to you as well


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

For those who celebrate Easter have a happy holiday!

Edited to add: I just want you all to know that on the difficult days or when I just want to give up I read and re read all your positive posts. They have been so so helpful and keep me clinging to hope


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I needed to add ... I have been thinking a lot about my current situation as well as reading books recommended to me both on TAM and through my counselor. I'm currently rereading 'Why does he do that?' And I can really identify with several aspects. My ex was never physically abusive. I never worried he would hit me. But he always turned things around so it was my fault and blamed his issues on his childhood but continued to portray himself as this loving, outgoing guy. 

It also makes me wonder because when we first met I had friends and outside interests. Not a ton of friends but a nice, small group that I was happy with. Well I was attending university during that time and it came to be that when I was not working or attending class I was going to be with him and his friends. I think that is why I never made a lot of friends in university or kept in touch with many friends from my past. It also explains why the few that I have tried reconnecting with do not want to reconnect and have moved on with their lives. I gave up my friends for him and his friends. This was very stupid of me. I also wonder if I was just naïve in doing this or if he wanted to isolate me? When I moved with him I was isolated until I would randomly meet someone- he wouldn't go out of his way to introduce me to the people he knew there. But he always appeared as such a happy, kind person. I don't know if I'm making excuses for myself or what but it starts to make me wonder.

He always made sure I knew my body belonged to him but if I made him unhappy divorce was an option for him.... reading through these books is bringing back memories both good and bad from our relationship that I must have just buried. I wish I knew why I didn't speak up about the isolation or possessiveness. I think I was just too infatuated with him and the attention (as well as not having the best self-esteem). 

It makes me so unsure of myself to think about these things. How does one say(without getting into details) yes I am from here and lived here most of my life. I moved away for several years and now that I am back need to make new friends. How does one explain this to potential new friends? Am I over thinking this?? Thinking about this is causing anxiety but I feel my vision is just so cloudy and I don't understand


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Your ex was abusive...it's called verbal abuse. There's no physical pain but emotional pain is bad. Because it seems even though its final, the pain still lingers. Your ex was/is the classic cheater. He blamed you because it was his way of coping. His mind knew what he was doing was wrong but he needed an excuse to justify his actions. You did nothing wrong. 

Your pain will heal with time. 

I'm glad you are thinking of "law if attration". I've been doing it for only a few months and its made a world of difference. 

As for friends, they come and go. Real friends stay through tough times. Real friends don't judge you by what they hear from other people. 

We are your friends here. Even though we have never met you, we are giving our time to respond to your thread. We don't have to but we care enough to give advice. 

Stay strong, keep updating you're thread and feel free to just vent if needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

miche4 said:


> He always made sure I knew my body belonged to him but if I made him unhappy divorce was an option for him....


The next time you are with someone who starts who starts emotionally blackmailing you like this, letting you know straight up that if you do anything to upset them, they will end the relationship--walk. Because that is a crappy dynamic to be in. I have read a lot of stories where this was the case and essentially the person doing that to their partner does not make a good relationship partner. It's sick.

About new friends: you don't have to explain anything. Just meet people and see where it goes.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I'm beginning to think it was abusive. I have no idea how I missed it... he hid it so well.

I definitely appreciate all the advice and time given 

The blackmailing didn't happen until after the marriage.. but yes never again

I am still reading through the book and another thing stands out for me. When I left I just deleted everyone on social media that was related to him, from his work or from his past (the friends here) and only kept the few who I trusted and who knew what was happening because I wanted no reminder of him. But now I realize that that is exactly what he wanted me to do so that way he could just say whatever he wanted to anyone even if I had already said something to him about what he did. That makes me so upset :/

I feel that because of my age people sometimes do not take the hurt of my divorce seriously. They just say 'you are young and will move on'. And I do hope to move on... but it still hurts especially realizing how bad he was


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

You ARE young and you WILL move on. Yes, when a woman is older and has children, there are some challenges that she will have that you don't. However, PAIN is PAIN. We've all been there, and trust me, you will make it through. I thought all my days would be black until TAM shed the light on a lot of things. I'm finally making it through and seeing my prayers come through. Going NC plays a huge role in getting better. And prayer (if you are spiritual).


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Most if not all times woman and men. Don't see the verbal abuse coming on. It starts slowly, very slowly and creeps up on you. They do that because if you are dating or married to the abusive spouse/GF they don't let you see their true colors right away. If they did it would be easy to move on since you have not established a bond. 

Once a bond is established, the abuser uses that as a way to keep you there. 

You think, how the heck can that person love me and treat me like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I did not mean for that to sound like I was discounting someone with children- I was not. I am totally aware that having children involved must be incredibly painful and difficult but yes you were able to say what I was trying to- pain is pain regardless of age, etc

I am still in shock that my ex did all that he did. I can't believe to the extent of it and how sucked into it I was- I would have stayed had he not cheated. I almost feel it would be easier if I could have moved somewhere where I knew no one and didn't have the added stressor of knowing if he wants to come here he has friends to stay with (while I am rebuilding my friends- I know he would laugh at me if he knew what kind of situation I am in)

I talked to the two other divorcees that I met- one started her process at the same time as me (but they had been discussing divorce for a while and she was not surprised when he filed- also he was much less hateful than my ex) and it frustrates me because she is several steps ahead of me in the grieving/moving on/healthy viewpoint/making friends. I don't want to stay stagnant and keep over thinking my feelings as I have the last few days but when I explained this with them they both stated that I sounded terrified to move on. And honestly... I think they are right. While I now realize my marriage was not good it still was something I was used to and I had a set lifestyle. 

I have to keep hitting myself over the head with the thought that if I can't move on then he wins. He got the divorce he wanted, the exposure that I was able to do was only somewhat successful, he was able to lie and cake eat for who knows how long. So I must go on to live a happy, fulfilling life (and stop over thinking things to the point of anxiety). I am still having a difficult time accepting that I cannot change the past no matter how much I want to.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Ok I have an issue that has been causing me pain the last couple weeks- I constantly dream about being married, him when things were good, our married life together, my married friends that I left etc etc. And then when I wake up it is the most heartwrenching grief I have ever felt. I am always waking up with a stomach ache and I start sobbing when I realize this is real and not some awful nightmare. This happens at least 5 days a week and is a terribly depressing way to start my morning. Any ideas on how to change this? It is killing me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Dreams come from your subconscious. I would say because you are thinking it, you are dreaming it in different ways.

I would try to focus on things you enjoy/positive things before you go to bed.

Unfortunately there is no way to stop a dream for happening but what you are experiencing is normal.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

miche4 said:


> I did not mean for that to sound like I was discounting someone with children- I was not. I am totally aware that having children involved must be incredibly painful and difficult but yes you were able to say what I was trying to- pain is pain regardless of age, etc.


Just because you don't have children does not make a divorce any less painful than someone who does. The fact is, it was your life. A whole life that you shared with someone else that is coming to an end. You are entitled to feel sad because divorce SUCKS, kids or no kids. Not everyone has children and that doesn't make their feelings any less valid than someone who does. 



miche4 said:


> I have to keep hitting myself over the head with the thought that if I can't move on then he wins.


You can move on and you will. It just takes time.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

It's normal. Your mind is an amazing thing. You want that (good) life so badly that its eating away at you. 

Thing is, even before you knew a out his cheating he was not a good husband. 

You will get that life you're looking for in the near future...the dreams will stop. 

Keep meeting new people. 

I know it sucks to start your day off like that but really try and plan your day as being positive. No matter what dreams you have wake up head high, chest out and ready to take on the day. The future can only get better n
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## parker (Dec 2, 2012)

I remember those days. Such agony. You will make it through, but it takes time. It's a process.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

It sounds like I need to accept this as a normal part of the process. I don't particularly enjoy it though. 2 nights ago I didn't have any dreams which was great but last night was a doozy. Vivid dreams about him. Woke up and was sick from it :/ I am going to make an effort to not let it effect my whole day

I'm still working out and putting myself out there to meet people. It is an exhausting process. I'm still with family so I can only go out once or twice a week.

I was reading a thread and there was something that was said that spoke to me (I only have the gist of it- not an exact quote) but basically those that stay in the past are depressed, those that stay in the future are anxious and those that are in the present are at peace. I feel like I have one foot in my past and one in the potential future. And I am experiencing both depression and anxiety. While I don't 100% avoid the present (I go to work and counseling, exercise, try to meet people) it is very difficult for me since dealing with a divorce and lack of friends is daunting. But as it has been said others have made it through. It just sucks that one cannot control the future- you can only steer yourself towards the one you want

I know that I am impatient and things will take a while to fix but- how long does it take to rebuild friends? I am terrified that in a year from now I will still be struggling


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Great attitude!!

Advice from me is stop "looking" for friends. From experience, new friends have a way of finding you. You don't want to be perceived as anxious to meet new people. Just go with the flow and have a routine but get away from the norm sometimes. Meaning, if you goto meet ups that interests you try going to one that you have little or no interest in. May sound strange but that change may just be what is needed. 

Keep updating. I'm following your thread. Because I have faith in you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Jerry- thank you for the advice. I do not want to appear desperate for friends because I know it will drive people away. I have just been trying to gently ease myself into meeting people and I have to understand, which I hate, that it may take a while. I'm still mad at myself for always prioritizing him and hisfriends and even when he was not around I'd throw myself into school or work and choose to have no social life. I'm trying to figure out why I did this - in addition to him isolating me, I willingly isolated myself. I'm terrified to meet new friends when I'm essentially starting at zero... it really makes me feel like a loser. And what if it doesn't happen? ? What if I can't make them and create this new life. I'm working on these fears and doubts- they cause incredible amounts of anxiety and depression (which I feel is exacerbated by my grief)

I attended a support group last night which was nice. It really brings to light that I could have it much worse and that it can get better. The thing that hurt the most was so many people saying how their family and friends were so integral to their recovery. I feel bad but tam friends I know i have leaned heavily on you and I will need to do so for a bit longer. The support here has been so wonderful

I appreciate your faith in me. It makes me feel like there is hope and that maybe I can do this.

Edited to add: I need to get out of this victim mentality. I do feel like the victim but some of this circumstance was based upon my poor decisions...struggling with this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I contemplated writing this, 

but DONT FEEL GUILTY!! HE LEFT YOU! 

I left my husband and I still know it isn't my fault... Either way fault isn't anything more than an excuse to wriggle out of taking responsibility. 

Think of it this way....If you would have stuck around, you probably would have spent 20 years miserable before YOU finally realize you wanted a divorce. Better now than later when you have kids inbetween. 

I felt guilty for a loooong time before the actual separation for feeling the need for a divorce.... and a for a few months after I finally asked him to leave....I cried and blamed myself ALOT.... but then I realized he was a ****ty partner who only stuck around to appear like the best husband, but behind closed doors he was a monster and I reacted accordingly. 

But my guilt is gone. I prayed a lot. And went to counseling. which I still go to. It helps, Stop blaming yourself and move on. 

There is two people in the marriage but only one to break it. 

The best revenge is to move on and make something outta your life with a smile on your face. Don't worry about his friends, his family, or his ANYTHING!! WHo cares... LET HIM GO FOR GOOD, and make what you want outta of your life. YOU H AVE NOTHING HOLDING YOU DOWN!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

mishu143 said:


> I contemplated writing this,
> 
> but DONT FEEL GUILTY!! HE LEFT YOU!
> 
> ...


Mishu- thank you for your response. I know that it is for the best and am trying to not feel guilty. At this point I really wish I had not ever met him- I gave up too much for him. I'm seeing a counselor and trying to get help with the guilt and shame.

I want to live my best life as i know that that is the best. I am having such a hard time. I'm backsliding this week emotionally. I keep hyper focusing on the fact that I have no friends here in my home town because I gave everything and everyone up for him. I've tried to go to meets and group things the last few days and as soon as they find out you're from here you are shunned- it's like you should have friends here. And this is true I should. I made a costly mistake and I've cried myself to sleep these last few nights over it.

I am trying to be positive knowing that I left but it's like I traded one bad situation for an9ther. My grief over my mistakes is enormous andI wwould do anything to turn back time. I'm so scared of my future

I wish I had a more positive post. But when you realize that you're in the city you lived the majority of your life and you literally have no one to spend time with and it is your fault. The pain is unbearable
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

My emotions are spiraling out of control today. 

Why would I do this to myself? Why would I give up all my friends, my career, etc to make this person happy? And now he has a ton of friends and great career and I'm just trying to make sense of my life. I am just so embarrassed to be sitting here, where I grew up, with no one  I've made such a bad mistake. 

I know that you all are not counselors but I have to get this out of me. 

I've been trying to 'fake it til I make it' by attending groups etc to meet people. And as stressful as they have been it has at least been nice getting out and talking to someone/anyone. But I feel like once they start asking about you they are a bit befuddled because theyre like oh you just moved back? You must be so thrilled to see your friends again... and in my head I want to say what friends? I gave up all my friends to move...and [email protected] it I did it willingly. I was so immature and dumb about this. 

I almost have this thought in my head like people are not going to want to be friends with me because I was such a sh!tty friend/person and so selfish. I kept no friends in the area where I lived almost my entire life. I think my ex knew he was pulling me away from people and I just followed along with my eyes wide open. 

I don't know how to not lose in this situation as I feel I've already lost. I don't know how to go up from here. I can't stop beating myself up that I gave him everything I had and left myself with nothing.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Try staying married because it's too scarey thinking about starting over. Too afraid of losing mutual friends, too afraid of our spouse telling out deep dark secrets to the world, too afraid of the financial devistation a D would cause, too afraid of the custody battle... All the thing you mentioned...

You are going through all that now, and you are handling it... Maybe not perfectly, but you will get through this... 

I am 47 now and have the same fears as you... I wish I had your bravery.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Is there a place you can volunteer... Animal shelter, hospice, community anything? A part time job, one with lots of people...retail? Many years ago before my wife and I were even married, we split and instead of spending time sad and alone, I got a part time job. I made a couple of friends there... Its time to get out of your head for a while...


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

miche4 said:


> My emotions are spiraling out of control today.
> 
> Why would I do this to myself? Why would I give up all my friends, my career, etc to make this person happy? And now he has a ton of friends and great career and I'm just trying to make sense of my life. I am just so embarrassed to be sitting here, where I grew up, with no one  I've made such a bad mistake.
> 
> ...


hONEY IF YOUR FRIENDS WONT TAKE YOU BACK AND FORGIVE YOU THEN GUESS WHAT.... THEY ARENT WORTH IT!! 

I did the same with my family and a cousin that is more of a sister than my own, and she forgave me and she listens to me cry every night and I love her and I know she loves me, but she forgave me. She is worth it...

Don't torment yourself!! Take your time! Friends come in the strangest of way, in the strangest times, when you least expect them to. And trust me GOOD FRIENDS are very far and few. 

Focus on yourself. Be comfortable being alone because relying on others isn't healthy. You have to be comfortable alone sweet heart. IF you had that issue before your marriage, then you will have it afterwards. Take this time to work on yourself and do the thing you want. Even if it is alone. I know it is hard. I have been there. But I have a thick skin, and I realized the only person that loves you more than anyone in the world is yourself. If you cant deal with yourself, why should someone else??

CRY, SCREAM, LET IT OUT!! DO IT!! GET IT ALL OUT WHENEVER YOU FEEL THE NEED> JUST GO TO A PRIVATE PLACE AND DO IT ALONE> Bite a towel. Punch a pillow. 

Don't wallow in your past. Don't regret your choices. You did them and you cant change them. Forgive yourself. IF you believe in GOD, then pray. Pray a lot. And even when you feel he isn't listening he is. He just wants to see how much your willing to give before he can help you out. 

But honey, stop focusing on people that don't care about you. It is hurting you, your self esteem, and your ego. Thin about you and only you for right now. SCREW THOSE PEOPLE WHO ARE SHUNNING YOU!! 

You have us. This is a safe place because guess what, no one knows who you are! Enjoy the freedom to say and type what your feeling, without judgement. We are here for you to vent. God knows that's why I am here. 

VENT, get it out, grieve. IT is normal. but stop looking for friends that don't want you. When you least expect it, you will find great people who truly love you and appreciate you. 

ALSO< GO TO INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING!!!! PRAY PRAY AND PRAY SOME MORE!!

HUGS!!


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## stallion1 (Mar 12, 2014)

miche4 said:


> My emotions are spiraling out of control today.
> 
> Why would I do this to myself? Why would I give up all my friends, my career, etc to make this person happy? And now he has a ton of friends and great career and I'm just trying to make sense of my life. I am just so embarrassed to be sitting here, where I grew up, with no one  I've made such a bad mistake.
> 
> ...


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Trickster said:


> Miche-
> 
> Is there a place you can volunteer... Animal shelter, hospice, community anything? A part time job, one with lots of people...retail? Many years ago before my wife and I were even married, we split and instead of spending time sad and alone, I got a part time job. I made a couple of friends there... Its time to get out of your head for a while...


:iagree:

I think you should do this. A great way to meet people is to volunteer, work , or do hobbies you like. Do not do this for the intention to make friends though. Do these activities for your own need. To make you happy. For example, If you like animals, volunteer at an animal shelter, do your work, keep to yourself and do you job the BEST you can, and with time you will see that you will make a friend or two. If you like to hike, Join a hiking club, NOT TO MAKE FRIENDS, but to hike. ANd you will see that in time, you will connect with other hikers... 

That's how connections are made. With time and delicacy. Just wait. Let yourself heal, and people will see the brightness in your heart and they will gravitate to you!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your kind responses... I have been reading them. I don't know why I am doing so poorly right now. I have no desire to eat, get out of bed and I sleep constantly. I still wake up in nightmare mode and then vomit :/ It's to the point where I wish I had just stayed and been miserable- at least I would have had friends and not had to deal with family or I just had never met him and I could have a normal healthy life. I don't mind being the being single part as much as the utter lack of friends/companionship/ family support. I'm seeing my counselor soon because I really just can't seem to carry on


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Sorry to hear that Miche...

You know the right choice was made. In time, you will realize that. 

You have plenty of friends here. Don't worry about venting on TAM. That's why we are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Thank you everyone for your kind responses... I have been reading them. I don't know why I am doing so poorly right now. I have no desire to eat, get out of bed and I sleep constantly. I still wake up in nightmare mode and then vomit :/ It's to the point where I wish I had just stayed and been miserable- at least I would have had friends and not had to deal with family or I just had never met him and I could have a normal healthy life. I don't mind being the being single part as much as the utter lack of friends/companionship/ family support. I'm seeing my counselor soon because I really just can't seem to carry on


You are doing the right thing. Go to the counselor and tell them all your sorrows. But really. I know your feeling lonely, but take this time to love yourself. The first few weeks/months will be tough, but try your damnest to get dressed in the morning, put on some lip gloss and go do your groceries. Take care of yourself!!


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## stallion1 (Mar 12, 2014)

not sure if what im saying makes sense or not but her it is.....

your depressed. you may be lonely. you want someone to talk to and relate to and you may be dependant.

depressed is normal. we all have been in the days where getting out of bed is hard.

lonely is normal. after losing someone, no matter if it is death or breakup there is a mourning period. we have lost someone so we feel lonely.

you want friends, need friends, need someone to be there. maybe you are very dependent on others. maybe this has happened in your life so you can fix a personal issue. This has happened to you because the good lord or spirit or whatever you believe in wants you to make a change, has challenged you to make a difference in your life. There is always a reason for this change. Thinks like this don't happen to make someone feel horrible. These things happen so we can wake up and strive for a better life. And if we rise to the occasion something amazing will come of it. So let go of wanting friends right now. Its clear you need to focus on you. Find out what you really want and need. Who you really are. In your journey of doing this and focusing on you, things will change, you will slowly begin to see so much positive in your life. Its going to happen you just need to dig deep keep pushing forward!

plus you will look back one day and will never say, maybe I should have just stayed with that POS.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Can you get a dog?

I know that may sound lame... I walk my dog everyday at the trails where i live... After we adopted our dog, I finally started to meet my neighbors without even trying. I am also meeting people at the hike and bike trail. I usually see the same people most days. I can't say they are friends yet, however, I enjoy the conversations and it makes the daily walks more enjoyable...we even have a dog meet up group... Haven't joined yet, but it is an option later.

Just a thought


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

And now for my Columbo post, oh and one other thing . . .

I posted in your thread because I know shame. Shame from childhood, shame from things other people did, shame from the divorce and then shame from falling off of the high road afterwards after I got out of crazy town. I can tell you shame is a choice. I hope you can get through your pain to know you did the right thing. In your 20s you do not have the perspective of what comes with age and experience, you are surrounded by people your age who believe in happy endings and with all the beauty of youth there is a trap of judgmental thinking, a naiveté that if you just work hard enough you can "get" whatever you want. Not so.

If no one is stepping up to express they care about you and help you then congratulations see the silver lining: there aren't throngs of people "shaming" you or caring enough to wish bad things happen to you either. Most people are too concerned with themselves to worry about you and your perceived "mistakes."

Be kind to yourself, know that you did the right thing and it would have just been harder later and eventuality chose not to shame yourself.

Dear Readers,


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Hi Miche, just found your newer thread over here. Skimmed through your posts. Hope things are going well, as well as can be expected anyway. Hopefully the parents aren't being too unbearable!

Just my two cents on the friends back home. Without knowing the details on how you lost the friendships (drifted apart, or something more tangible) in many many cases time can heal a lot of wounds. Send them an email, look them up on FB. After a while minor stuff can be water under the bridge. If anyone carries grudges, probably not worth being around in the first place.

I know you are feeling down right now. But leaving hubby was the right thing to do. The abuse that was heaped on you was despicable. Please hang in there!!


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi everyone, trying to keep everyone's advice in mind and just keep my head above water...

The weekends are the absolute hardest. I am alone. I don't even know how to handle it or find people to be with (meetup failed this weekend). I think this starts the anxiety attacks and illness. My thoughts will race and I think what if it will always be like this?? I'm sure living with the family does not help

I am trying to find ways to fill my time- meetups, small groups, support groups, etc and have started looking into getting a second job or a volunteer activity

It is sad to say that I would have stayed in the marriage just to avoid this situation. I often wonder if God, the universe, whatever you believe put me in this situation to face the fact that I became so isolated due to the relationship (and that the relationship was incredibly unhealthy). I wish that others who know him knew how he really was but I think he will eventually show his true character. It is also very odd/ depressing that he has made absolutely no contact with me. The one person that I always had in my life is gone and the pain is enormous.

I truly wish that I could erase the last 6-7 years (minus my dog) and just start over. I don't even have many if any real friends that could stick around to help me out- I was always with him and his friends. 24/7. I have no idea why I would do this to myself. I had to leave the few friends I had made (over several years time- please don't let it take that long this time because I just could not stand it) which was devastating and I talk to them occasionally but they are 1000 miles away and have their own lives (also many figured that I had normal friends back home and a normal relationship with my ex until the divorce happened- was a bit of a shock for them)

I don't think that it is too much to ask to find a small, reliable, healthy group of friends to hang out with.. I'm still in shock I am in this situation and am scared that there is no way out

My dog is my best friend at the moment. I try to spend as much time with him as I can. I know I need to keep going out and doing stuff but I feel bad because I end up leaving my dog alone so often :/

Question- how much of this situation should I divulge to people? I was at a divorce support group the other day and speaking with two other women. They asked me about my story and without giving too many details was brutally honest ( isolated me, moved with him, emotionally abusive, divorce, lack of friends). They had taken my number but after I told them they acted super uncomfortable.... Maybe just say it was an unhealthy relationship involving isolation and emotional abuse and I'm trying to start over?

Please send positive vibes, prayers, etc this weekend- I do not want to have another meltdown/ anxiety attack. I just feel so awful/embarassed about myself

ETA- how would the scenario where I gave up all my friendships (willingly and because my ex always wanted me around) and then dealt with an unhappy marriage, but tried to convince myself I was happy, qualify as? Was it codependency? Was I just young and majorly f'd up?... what is this now utter despair and terror about my situation and thinking I will never get out qualify as? 

I am just curious as my counselor really won't give me an answer...I think maybe she wants me to figure it out on my own


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

For so many years, my wife was my only friend... Just recently, I have been venturing out in the world... I has been hard for m as well.

When I first started to go to fundraisers that I was invited to, my stomach was in knots, I would get the runs, and had to keep imodium on hand all the time...I was drenched with sweat the whole time.... I am much better at it now...

Is there a dog park nearby?

Is there a cause you are interested in?

What about a toastmasters group?

Try out several meet up groups... Don't give up after just one or two. It takes a while to find the right group.

Do you want to learn ballroom dancing?

What about two step lessons?


I am not Divorced yet so I don't know how you feel...I do know how it feels to have no friends other than my wife... 

I think you are the brave one to get out of a bad situation...this takes time... The more I get out and mingle, the better I get at it... I don't talk about my marriage to anybody anymore...I don't make for pleasant company talking about the negatives about my wife. That's what TAM is for... Even now, most tammers are tired of me and are exhausted.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Don't tell new people too much of your situation with ex. There are a lot of people who will be quick to judge you. 

You need to get away from family in my opinion but I know it's probably not possible. 

I'm not much of a church goer, actually I never go to church but I'll send a prayer and good vibes your way. 

Keep venting on here, it's probably doing you good since we won't ever judge you. 

Your anxiety is most likely sending out bad vibes so please try and think good things. Your dog, you're out of a very bad marriage. 

As per me talking about "law of attraction", the more bad vibes you have the less likely people will be attracted to you. People are attracted to happy, fun loving things. 

I'll be blunt, you are thinking/holding on to the past. None of that can be undone. You control your own future...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Read and implement Miche:

If thеrе іѕ a secret іn thе universe thаt саn bring уου ɡοοԁ things, іt сουƖԁ bе thе Law οf Attraction. Thіѕ саn bring уου happiness, wealth, аnԁ physical well-being. Yου οnƖу hаνе tο know hοw tο apply іt. A few basic concepts οf thе Law οf Attraction саn hеƖр уου οn уουr way.

One οf thе concepts central tο thе Law οf Attraction іѕ thаt thе things уου thіnk become reality. Thе things уου thіnk аrе energy, јυѕt аѕ thе entire universe іѕ energy. Aѕ уου ponder уουr reality, οr simply Ɩеt thουɡhtѕ rυn through уουr mind, уου аrе shaping уουr reality. Yου ԁο thіѕ bу means οf thе Law οf Attraction. Thе energy уου send out collects wіth Ɩіkе energy. Thеn, thе universe responds tο уουr feelings bу returning thе energy back tο уου. Thіѕ happens fοr ɡοοԁ οr bаԁ feelings.

Another basic concept іѕ thаt іt іѕ tοο difficult tο monitor еνеrу one οf ѕοmе 60,000 thουɡhtѕ уου hаνе еνеrу day. Thе goal, instead, ѕhουƖԁ bе tο foster a feeling οf happiness, gratitude, аnԁ well-being. Thіѕ wіƖƖ ɡο further thаn trying tο change еνеrу thουɡht individually. Feelings аrе іmрοrtаnt tο thе Law οf Attraction.

One assumption οf users οf thе Law οf Attraction іѕ thаt life іѕ meant tο bе joyous аnԁ fulfilling. Many people feel thаt thеіr lives саn bе nο more thаn difficult work situations, υnhарру relationships, poor health, аnԁ a mountain οf debt. Unless thеѕе people change thеіr attitudes, thеу саn never know thе abundance thеу саn ɡеt through thе Law οf Attraction.



Thеrе саn never bе a lack οf anything thаt уου want іf уου follow thе Law οf Attraction. Thіѕ іѕ another concept οf thе movement. It means thаt thеrе іѕ enough fοr everyone tο hаνе whаt thеу want. Thіѕ іѕ especially trυе bесаυѕе ѕοmе people want сеrtаіn things аnԁ οthеr people want something еƖѕе. According tο thе Law οf Attraction, whаt уου want іѕ always possible. One concept οf thе Law οf Attraction саn bе stated аѕ something Ɩіkе, “whаt уου ɡеt іѕ whаt уου see.” Whаt thіѕ means іn thіѕ case іѕ thаt whеn уου see a result, уου wіƖƖ vibrate wіth energy based οn thаt result. If уου see ɡοοԁ, уου wіƖƖ send out ɡοοԁ energy.

Thіѕ energy wіƖƖ return tο уου іn thе form οf more positive results. Sο, іf уου want positive results, уου need tο find a way tο see thе ɡοοԁ іn situations. Thіѕ іѕ hοw thе Law οf Attraction works. If уου see ɡοοԁ, more ɡοοԁ wіƖƖ return tο уου. Thе concept οf asking fοr particular things іѕ a раrt οf thе Law οf Attraction. Whеn уου command thе universe tο give уου whаt уου want, уου саn ɡеt іt. Tο ԁο thіѕ, уου mυѕt believe іn іt. Thеn, уου mυѕt accept іt аѕ іf уου hаԁ already gotten іt. Thеn уου wіƖƖ find thе Law οf Attraction bringing аƖƖ kinds οf ɡοοԁ things уουr way.

Thе Law οf Attraction іѕ аt once both simple аnԁ complex. Yου mυѕt οnƖу аѕk аnԁ receive. Yеt, tο ԁο thаt іn confidence, уου mυѕt work tο restructure уουr whole way οf thinking. Tο ԁο thіѕ іt іѕ ɡοοԁ tο study thе concepts οf thе Law οf Attraction.

Credit: Law of attraction web site. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Miche,

Check out the support group on this thread page 35. I wonder if this organization may be of some help to you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/181298-fb-message-i-saw-husbands-phone-35.html

I don't know much about the organization- looks like they offer fee based seminars, but they also have support groups in quite a few cities. If they are near you, it may be a way to meet some new people who are in similar situations. 

Others on here may or may not have experience with this organization, so feedback there is encouraged.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Hope you're doing ok Miche. 

I have some extra positive energy I will send your way. 

Remember stay positive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi guys... I'm doing ok. I think I'm just overwhelmed about how fast everything happened and how nasty he got in the end. It is kind of bizarre to not speak to him and have no answers. I also never expected to be in the situation where I had to make new friends to keep my sanity and not have family support. It's just a lot to handle and a bit of a shock still most days. I'm still waking up in misery and depending on the day it either stays or goes... I've started venturing out more to meet people. I wish I could just wave a magic wand and *poof insta-friends and new life. Alas that just isn't how things work... so I shall be lonely for quite a bit longer

Trickster- I had no intention of having my ex be my only friend. In fact I had friends prior to meeting him and had some friends during the marriage-but I definitely had to go out of the way to have them- he was not keen on it.... I've been speaking to my counselor about this and she is in agreement that he/I isolated me...and my crazy fixation with the whole friendship issue is my emotional response to this. I have been taking my dog out on a regular basis. He absolutely loves the park so we are there quite often. Honestly I have never had a ton of hobbies and I have no idea what I really like (I feel like I've lost a bit of who I am during the whole relationship). I did join a few groups that are for people my age though. To be honest I only speak about my marriage on here. The friends I left are over it at this point and there is really not much the can do. My family is just not interested. So I feel your pain

Jerry- I am not telling people of my situation. The less people have to judge me on the better at this point. I am still stuck with the family at this point and it is incredibly frustrating but it is a place to live. Thank you for the vibes! They are needed. I am trying the law of attraction of being positive and optimistic and someone that someone would want to be around....it is just hard as my confidence is lacking. But I'm trying. I have a huge issue of holding onto the past- I would do anything to just have never married him (although I want to still have my dog). It just all happened so suddenly as I mentioned above and I'm just trying to cope.

Philly- thank you for the link... I looked through it and unfortunately the closes support group is over 4 hours away :/ I'm still attending the support group I found though weekly


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Yeah, it is hard in the beginning. But soon it will become a normal way of life for you. 

Example: I'm in a different situation than you but the "law" works the same. In the past few weeks I've made some good money in the stock market. I've shorted (means bet that the market will go down) some stocks. Made $3,000!!

Was at a sandwich shop waiting for my food and a woman came up to me. Asked me what I thought of her case she was holding. It was a BBQ utensil set personalize wth a persons name on it. It's her buisness. We got to talking for 45 minutes and she offered me a job helping her. She would pay me cash and I could work my own hours!!

I'm a manager/coach of my daughters softball team and one of the moms was on me like crazy. I'm married with kids so I was basically just trying to be nice but the vibes I was getting from her was crazy. Her touching my arm and shoulder. Giving me her buisness card. My wife was 20 feet away and of course she seen the whole thing. She walked over and stood next to me and put her arm around my arm. Our sex life has been on fire, my wife now wakes me up at 2am for sex. 

It comes down to positive energy and confidence. The woman at the sandwich shop, with tons of people there she gravitated toward me. The woman at the game, she's attracted to me because of my positive energy and most likely I've been working out like crazy. 

You'll be fine in the near future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

These weekends are just brutal. 

It is very bizarre to not have anyone to call to hang out/ have a support system (and without TAM I would have probably lost my sanity by now).... I have still been attending a support group and other groups 1x or 2x a week but I found out earlier this week that my work contract was ending suddenly...

When it rains it absolutely pours..

So now I am concerned because I am going to be at home much more often and will not have the finances to go out and try and see people

I can't seem to handle this recent development so I have been sleeping constantly to avoid the pain... I just feel so incredibly alone and isolated (which, as my past keeps reminding me, makes sense as he isolated me from people all the time)

I just keep telling myself the mantra of just one day at a time/ one foot in front of another. Positivity is so hard right now.... no one wants to be around a negative person but I can't even seem to fake it

No one said this was going to be easy but it really seems like the deck of life is stacked against me right now


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

I know you said you don't have hobby's. You gotta find some.

If I were to find myself divorced. I think I would have a hard time as well. As a guy, I don't have ant guy friends. I really like the animal shelter. We have a very large on here where I live. Mostly I just walk the dogs. Weekend are very busy and I could do the meet and greet. I could talk to all the potential dog adopters and get to know many people. But I work most weekends.

I would do anything to not be alone. That sucks....

Stay strong. Find some interests. Find some volunteer work and do something to help you feel too about yourself..

You will get through this huge bump in the road.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

One easy and cheap hobby is doing puzzles. You want to take your mind off something? Get a 250-500 piece puzzle and work it for a while. They're inexpensive and TIME consuming. 

I think I am going to take jerry's advice to you and start the Law of Attraction thinking. I am going to google it.

You feel isolated now, but think about 2, 6, 10, or 18 months from now. Where do you want to be? Start a journal with the title "Where I want to be on X date". Then daily make an entry in the journal of waht you did, or planned, to get there.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

This is the link you want to watch. It's long but a good watch. 

Jack Canfield Explains Activating the Law of Attraction - YouTube

Law of attraction does work. It takes practice but once you get it you'll have the ah ha moment. 

Simply put, people want to be around positive, happy people. You gravitate toward them. Where as negative, unhappy people you stay away. 


My wife and I had a little falling out over pizza last Thursday. Yes pizza!! I ordered a pizza with half cheese and half onions. Got it home and the wife started b!tching about the onions. I said don't eat the onions side, eat the cheese. But that was not good enough. She keep up complaining that I never order onions and I should have ordered sausage/pepperoni. I said I'm watching what I eat and I wanted to try onions. Still not good enough. She kept being negative about it and would not drop it. So I gravitated away from her. I did not want to be near a b!tchy negative person. 

She noticed and kept at it. I stated that if she was going to keep it up and not drop it I will simply choose not to be around her. All the while I stood firm on my choice to have healthier onions than sausage. I was happy and positive about my choice. 

So Friday she was preparing to take her mom and my daughter to NYC for the night for moms day. I could tell she was still upset at my pizza choice and how I stood firm. They were ready to leave and her mom said enjoy the next few days with peace and quiet. I said oh I will. I played poker Friday night with friends and coached my girls in softball Saturday. 

They came home Saturday to a happy husband. I was doing yard work and when I finished I did an intense work out. Saturday night my wife made me and her a few drinks and she put kids to bed around 9:30 ( seemed early but I figured out why ). She had another drink and she could not keep her hands off me. Ripped my clothes off and we had 2-3 hours off awesome sex. 

Mother's Day I took her and my mom to breakfast. Gave my wife some chocolate covered strawberries as a gift. Spent the day at our pool and soaked up the sun on a beautiful day. Worked out again later in the day. Bedtime comes and I put the kids down and came into my bedroom and the wife is laying there naked. I give her a moms day backrub and another 1-2 hours of sex. 

Great weekend!!

So the reason I write this is despite her b!tching Thursday about a trivial matter I stayed positive and happy. And she seen that. She tried to knock me off my game but I did not let her. She gravitated back to me because of how I handled it. If I was negative and continued the fight she would have won and I'm sure there would be no hot sex both days. 

Instead I won. I was happy and positive. Stayed in frame and enjoyed the weekend. 

It works in other areas also. 

But I totally see what's going on with Miche. You are depressed and may want to see a dr. I'm no expert in meds and don't have a opinion on taking them or not taking them but your dr. is the best route for you. 

Some people can fake it till you make it. Others can't. 

Time heals...just take it one day at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

How you doing Miche??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hey... I am surviving. It is really just a day to day process at this point. I wish I could post happier news for once- sorry

It is very odd to feel disconnected from others your age (20s) due to lack of social life, job, divorce, etc

I am seeing my therapist on a more intensive basis- she is concerned because I do feel so separated from society (especially having to reacclimate in my hometown, where in my head I should have a thriving social life, and because some of my anxiety symptoms have become severe. 

Thank you Jerry and everyone who has been checking in. I think my regular posting was depressing me in that I didn't have good news to share but I'll try to stop by more frequently


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

That's understandable...

Are you on any meds?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

No meds other than some herbal supplements for anxiety and depression. I am seeing a doctor (md) next week to see if I would be a good candidate for them (I don't want to go on them but am getting rather concerned)

My counselor does not want me to go on meds however, she is concerned because I haven't made as much progress as she would have thought.

I hope once I get a job again it will help. I was trying to get myself to attend social functions (even though I was scared and embarrassed to do so) but I was going and now I fight with myself to attend because I'm scared to go out in public yet want a normal social life. Catch-22

I know I need to focus on mainly working on myself and being alone by myself. I am trying. Walking my dog really helps. But on those days where I know I have nothing to do and no one to potentially see then the anxiety starts creeping up again. The anxiety triggers the negative self thoughts and depression. I have been meditating to reduce the anxiety, and enjoy it, but it doesn't eradicate the negativity/ depression

I need to retrain the way I think. I am a negative thinker. I wake up dreading it. I am scared all day long of my thoughts. I cannot believe my divorce has taken such a toll on my mental and physical health


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

miche4 said:


> No meds other than some herbal supplements for anxiety and depression. I am seeing a doctor (md) next week to see if I would be a good candidate for them (I don't want to go on them but am getting rather concerned)
> 
> My counselor does not want me to go on meds however, she is concerned because I haven't made as much progress as she would have thought.
> 
> ...



Miche-

Hope all is going well.

Although I am still married, I go to events without my wife. She just doesn't want to go anymore. When I started to go on my own, my stomach would be in knots. So much that I was in the bathroom the hours leading up to going. 

Many times now, I eat lunch by myself. Partly because I take a late lunch and its hard to coordinate lunch plans with friends. Not that I have many friends after 22 years with my wife. 

I will get easier with practice.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi everyone... I know it has been awhile and coincidentally Trickster posted yesterday too.

Just to update- I am now on a very low dose of meds. I finally was able to see a primary care dr and unfortunately my anxiety attacks were beginning to cause damage to my intestines and they were concerned for my heart :/ not what I wanted but I'm much too young to incur more health issues upon myself so for now I need to stay on the meds

I have a job again (yay!) however it is again temporary and really not the most enjoyable atmosphere but I am just grateful to have some sort of an income.

I am really trying to be positive in public and when I attend social mixers and meetups. I meditate before-hand and just try to be in a positive place. However I have had absolutely no luck meeting people this way. I am just so frustrated/ sad/ scared/ lonely. I tend to do much better during the week than on the weekends. Probably due to the fact that work takes up a large chunk of the week and weekends would be when one is with their SO and now I am with the family

Trickster- I completely empathize with how scary it is to go to events alone. I'm still in the stage where sometimes I'm ok and other times I have to force myself not to bail :/

I started a thread in the 'life after divorce' column about potentially moving to start over. I know that moving would not erase my problems BUT maybe it would give me the clean slate I need rather than being surrounded by constant memories of lost times. Any advice/ opinions? It would take me awhile to save up the resources and during that time I would keep trying here but it just sounds like such an awesome opportunity since I am young and really have nothing to lose.

To all the father's- have a happy father's day!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would think it would be much harder moving to an area where you know no one. Especially with anxiety issues.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Is there one person near that you can call a friend? One good friend?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

The idea of moving somewhere where I don't know anyone is rather anxiety- provoking but I've honestly never had an anxiety issue until the divorce. My counselor thinks that being back in my hometown (where the relationship began), constantly seeing reminders of my old life that I no longer have (pre and during the relationship) and living with the family is causing the majority of my anxiety issues. So moving could potentially be a blank- slate situation. I hate always worrying about who I'm going to run into at the store but the flip side is omg what if I move and am miserable?

I would say I have 2 good friends here right now. One I had from pre divorce (actually from pre relationship at all) and one I've met since moving home (she is in the divorce process as well). And I am incredibly grateful for both as I'd be miserable without them. The issue is that the one I've had since prior has this stance that I just must be ok being absolutely miserable and just wallow in my misery and accept it. Basically an embrace the suck attitude. Which I'm aware is part of thing BUT if I'm having a bad day etc she does not want to hear about it because I should be aware that I will be having lots of bad days for the foreseeable future. The newer friend is much better with the talking and supporting the divorce issues (probably as she is dealing with them herself) but it is hard on that side because she is doing so so much better than me. She has made tons of new friends post divorce and even started dating again (she has only a couple months head start on mine). So while I am happy for her and do not begrudge her in any way, it is also very frustrating.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Why is you new friend doing better?

Have you thought about a new hair color/hair style?

Sometimes a small change to the outside can change your inside... Improve your confidence.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Well she got her dream job and moved over 1000 miles away from her ex. Also she has tons of family support.

Haircut is actually going down in the next few days- youre right even the little things can help. For now I am going to keep focusing on the small stuff since my "larger" stuff hasn't fallen into place


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Well she got her dream job and moved over 1000 miles away from her ex. Also she has tons of family support.
> 
> Haircut is actually going down in the next few days- youre right even the little things can help. For now I am going to keep focusing on the small stuff since my "larger" stuff hasn't fallen into place


Family and friends are important. My wife was my only friend for 22 years. Most all my family..both parents and two brothers have passed away already. I have one sister... I Gotta call her more often...

I don't feel I have a strong support system yet. (Friends) I am working on all that before my future D...That's why I am doing things as if I were already D... Even something as simple as getting together for lunch is sometimes harder than it seems...

What is YOUR dream job miche?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

What about using your middle name? Name change.

Way back in HS, I hated my name, so I started to use my middle name after I graduated and went into the military. Its weird, but my personality changed a little. Kinda like a new me with a new start with new people.

I sorta like the idea of moving away to a new city. You can try to re-invent yourself...

Apply for jobs farther away... See what pops up.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Glad to see you are on low dose meds. I'm not a big fan of any meds but in your case I think its necessary.

In my opinion, meeting someone does not happen when you are actively looking for that someone. It happens when you are not looking. 

I'm married but I meet new people all the time. Of course I don't fall for the forbidden fruit but it's a huge confidence boost. It just happens. 

I truly believe it's the "law of attraction" in my case. I'm a highly positive, confident man. I'm not a brad Pitt guy but do have good looks and a fit body. That's a plus to draw people in but not the #1 reason. 



I think your counselor is correct. Being around the area where your anxiety happens will only make it keep happening. But it's not easy to just pick up and go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

One of my single female neighbors recently took in a roommate. She is from another city several hours away. She used roommates.com. 

Pick a city you want to see, seek out a job and go on the website to find a roomy. 

I know, easy to say...not so easy to do...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

I'm glad I'm not the only one ashamed and embarrassed. I'm used to people admiring what I (we) accomplished at such a young age. I'm embarrassed that I will most likely be losing my house. We lived with my parents and basically put them out for years while we built our facility on my parents property which we finally bought from them a year ago. I'm ashamed to tell them I'm losing our family home and they suffered with us for nothing. I'm most afraid to tell my clients that not only will I need a new home, but all of their horses as well.. Several of my clients consider our barn to be "home" as well. 

I'm curious to know what medication you are taking and how it has affected you so far?


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I agree that for those of us used to relying on our spouse as our main friend it is definitely hard to go out and meet new people. It causes a lot of anxiety. I have cut back on doing social things as often as I was when I first realized that I had so little left here due to work and some financial issues. But I would definitely like to one day have a healthy social life and good group of friends- preferably sooner rather than later but these things really can't be controlled. 

I think it is incredibly smart of you to build a support group prior to your divorce.

I have started applying to jobs in other cities. I am not thrilled about having to move because of this but the chance of starting fresh and potentially being happy is a huge motivating factor.

I absolutely hate the fact that I need to be on medication at this point but I unfortunately really need to be. The constant vomiting from anxiety was starting to mess with my health as well as interfere with my ongoing health issues. Unfortunately the depression tends to be exacerbated by one of the meds that I am on (for the ongoing health issues) so that has not been fun. But My dr is monitoring everything closely and really I need to be able to work and function.

Cashybum- I am sorry you can relate to the feelings of shame. I do not want to detail the meds I'm on on here but you can pm me if you prefer.

Ok so one last thing. I cannot stop grieving the fact that I was so naïve/dumb/etc to stop making friends and hanging out with friends to only spend time with him and his friends- why was I so eager to make him happy and hurt myself?? I am in my late 20s so social media is huge part of my age-range and several of these people will not reconnect with me because I so simply cut off my life into his and he encouraged it! He always wanted me with only his friends! And I fell for it! The few people I met in university were from the first year only- all the years after that I was in my little bubble. I so grieve that in this time of technology, and coming from such a large metropolitan area I did not take advantage of what I had. I will never have the group of friends I had... people I truly enjoyed being with all because I was so blinded by one man. I hate that I did that. I still to this day do not understand why I did that. I feel like I really screwed up a major part of my life and potential for good friends in the future. I was able to reconnect with a high school acquaintance (forgive me if I already posted about this) and she had dealt with a divorce herself... she asked me what had happened and she was shocked. Truly shocked. Why? Because I had had this normal social life. 

Ughh I need to stop hyper focusing on this. I just cannot believe I would do something so so selfish and dumb and yes he definitely played a part- he encouraged it 100% and I fell for it. Totally came back to haunt me

ETA- I forgot to mention. My therapist is aware of this hyperfocusing I do as it causes me so much anxiety especially on the weekends. She thinks, after making me talk about it for the last several sessions, I may be grieving it so much because I truly adopted so many of his friends as my own. I spent time with them. I bought them birthday and Christmas presents. I truly thought they were mine too. Until the divorce when I found all the hateful messages where I found him telling lies about me and none of them even made the effort to clarify with me.

I also think it is totally bizarre that all I focus on is this particular issue when in reality I should be focusing on the other pain I feel from the loss of my marriage and the fact that my ex was a lying, cheating, malicious person


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Friends come and go all the time. 

As a child, I had friends when I lived in California.. When in moved away as a young teenager to Texas, I made a few new friends who got me through H.S. I had 2 good friends. A few others to hang with

I went in the Navy for 4 years and didn't see my H.S. friends during that time. I had a few Navy buddy's. 

Reconnected with one friend from H.S. we keep in touch as much as possible. He came to my wedding and 2 other H.S. friends.

I don't keep up with any Navy buddy's...that was a different life.

Life goes on, we meet new people, some may be regular aquantices. Some may actually become friends. Find ways to get out. It doesn't have to cost money.

Like I said before, I volunteer at an animal shelter. There was a new woman there and I introduced myself and asked how long she has been there... She said she didn't really know... Then I asked her what other duties she does there... She said she just walks the dogs. She doesn't want to do the meet and greet because she sees people all day. She is there for the dogs...OK I said. Turned away with the dog I was walking and walked off...she didn't seem like she was open to meet people...

Most others are very engaging with conversation...

All I can say is be open to opportunities to talk to people.

Even when you walk your dog. Say hello to everybody...

I am learning to not hold on to the past.

Find something you can do to get out of your head for a while. What about volunteering with special needs kids?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

What you have written here seems completely normal for a person dealing with depression and grieving the loss of a marriage and also it would seem an entire way of life. 

The hyper-focusing you touched on is completely in line with depression/anxiety. Although some may call it rumination. 

Perhaps in some way you feel like you are analyzing things to death. It's okay and completely normal to want to search for answers as to why you behaved the way you did. I will suggest you take it easy on beating yourself up about it though.  We all make mistakes, we are only human after all. As a suggestion remind yourself that sometimes the best lessons are the hardest ones. It takes a while to forgive ourselves. 

When your mind and soul is at peace with an issue that keeps coming up it will stop coming up. 

Taking anti-depressants that mask or stop the grieving is not really a good thing. You need to go through the grieving process and it sounds to me like that is still happening. 

Also anger. If your angry let it out. Journal, punch pillows, scream into them etc if you have to. Just let it out. Releasing the anger will help you get to the emotion behind it such as feeling betrayed or used etc. 

Hang in there. Things will improve. Maybe not at the rate you hope or wish they would but they will. Practice patience.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

You have one thing going for you...your age.

Plenty of time to start over and meet someone new. Have kids and settle down.

Like i said before, forcing yourself to go out socially and meet people rarely works.

If the meds are making it worse then stop taking them. You're going through a process that's natural and like a poster said it's just masking it. Your mind controls everything. It knows what to do, let your mind deal with it like it's supposed to.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

How you doing Miche??


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Hi everyone...(if anyone is still reading this) it has been a long time.

Things got very difficult very fast- my parents would not accept the divorce and began harassing me about it constantly. If I went anywhere other than work they would be checking to see where I was/why/ with whom etc. They started constantly going through my stuff and telling me the situation was my fault. I got ahold of a few family members and they recommended moving out asap. A relative had a spare room but she lives an hour away so a friend that I met recently offered to let me and my dog sleep on her couch until I'm back on my feet.

I am having an incredibly difficult time coping with what my parents did in addition to my ex husband.

The ex and I almost never speak- at the most I'll receive some mean text about how happy he is without me every few weeks.

I'm still very sad and lonely although it has been several months at this point.

On the plus side I am no longer having constant panic attacks but I am now having nightmares about my ex, my parents, and my future (my therapist thinks that I just cant mentally/ emotionally process at once all that has happened/is happening so it comes out in my subconscious)

I'm sorry to disappear like that after everyone was so helpful I was just overwhelmed with everything else

ETA- those who sent me pm's I'm so sorry I didn't respond. The notifications from TAM got moved into my spam folder somehow and when I saw them today I realized I should update


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

miche: I really have no comprehension of your parents reaction.

Shameful if you ask me.

In order to move on you need a solid support group Most importantly your parents.

I get the impression they may be the source of all the embarrassment and guilt. 

Stay here for support you clearly need it.

55


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Agree with just got it.

Parents should be on your side no matter what...

It is OK to feel sad... A Divorce is almost like a death... Well, it is the death of a marriage. That is what I still fear...I still fear I will experience a lot of the pain you are going through...I am really rooting for you because if you get through this, there is hope for me when that time comes when I Divorce...

On a good note... An awesome note...

Some friends invited me to the Symphony recently.(without my wife). The couple has season passes. There were 7 of us in the group.... For the first time in many many many years, I have a "group"..My last group was my drinking buddy's from the local sports bar....So, once a month for 6 months or so I will be going with this group of new friends to the Pops Symphony...


Stay strong Miche.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Glad to see you are back on TAM.

You did right by distancing yourself from toxic relatives.

Of course just ignore texts from ex or just change your number might be the way to go.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

miche4 said:


> The ex and I almost never speak- at the most I'll receive some mean text about how happy he is without me every few weeks.


miche... do yourself a favor and PLEASE block his number so he can no longer send you hateful texts. His behavior is downright cruel (normal people don't keep twisting the knife like this). 

I'm having a hard time deciding whose behavior is more despicable -- your ex's or your parents. Shame on them for turning on you. Better that you are away from ALL of them


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I haven’t posted in your threads in a long time but I haven’t forgotten you. Just finally caught up in this thread. 

Your parents are still acting ugly. I am sorry to hear that but not surprised. A little horrified at the lack of support but from what you’ve said all this time it’s to be expected. 

Did you move in with your friend or a relative or are you still at home? 

I think moving to a new city might be helpful for you. It sounds like there are a lot of triggers where you are and given that your family treats you so terribly, it’s like you are still isolated even though you’re surrounded by them. I’m sorry you’re going through that. 

If you do move, remember to look up support in that city – divorce support groups, maybe activities through meet up (dot) com, gym membership, hobbies and counseling. Where I live, counseling is available through the city’s Social Services department on a free to sliding scale if financial support is needed. 

As for keeping busy when you’re stuck at home, have you considered doing any MOOC’s? (Major Open Online Courses). There are so many things to learn on-line, many of them for free and some paid but offer credentials like certificates. Sites like coursera have courses from legitimate universities and anyone can take them. They can keep the mind busy and sharp while providing a distraction and some of them can be put on your resume if relevant. During her divorce, one thing my SIL did was learn to knit. She got free books from the library and wool/supplies from thrift stores. Just an idea. I don’t know if you’re artistic at all but doing something creative can be therapeutic in itself. 

Again, sorry your parents have been behaving terribly. That’s really sh!tty of them... just speechless they treat their daughter that way. I wish I lived nearby; I’d take you out for a coffee.

Hang in there.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Thank you for all of the support 

Ya to be honest I am not surprised about my parents actions I just really cant believe they would make things that difficult for me after what I dealt with with my ex. The awkward part is they truly dont believe they are in the wrong so they want me to still meet up with them to do "family" things and dont understand why I refuse to do so. My relatives are very happy for me that I found a friend to live with. The only awkward thing there is they are not confrontational people so they will never bring up to my parents what they know and they believe I should forgive my parents and eventually have a relationship with them whether or not they ever apologize.

Trickster- I am so glad you are meeting people. It is hard at first (as I have discovered) but slowly gets better over time. Definitely use that as a springboard to meet others. Have fun!

Due to legal constraints within our decree (dont really want to go into detail) I cannot change my number without letting him know and I cannot block him. I get mini anxiety attacks when he calls/texts but I just make a friend read/listen to the message.

A couple of things I need advice on...how to accept the fact that I will never have any answers to his actions good and bad? It is really bothering me that he would be so 100% one way and then went 100% the other. And how to have hope, even with dealing with this situation where the 3 people I should have been able to count on 100% totally screwed me over, for the future?

I know I have talked about moving and while I would still absolutely love to the idea of having to start over again is completely daunting so for now those plans are on hold. I am just trying to make the best of the situation here and do as many get togethers, etc as I can. I had never heard of MOOC's but I will look into them as I want to go to grad school.

Aw Miss Taken if I am ever up your way we can do coffee


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

So on a less positive note... last night was a bad night. Multiple recurring nightmares about my ex and my parents and a bunch of mini anxiety attacks. 

Dealing with knowing that my ex basically had no punishment about what he did (except losing a few friends) and got to keep his lifestyle, his job, mostof his friends, family support, etc etc. It'sso hard to accept that there may be no jjustice. It hurts remembering all the nice things he did over the holidays and then how awful it was just a few weeks later. He bbasically got me out of his life and got to pretend he was never married. I know life isn'tfair but for some rreason the injustice of these types of situations causes me so much anxiety. 

I really truly wish I had never married

My aunt who has been helping me out is really pushing for me to just forgive my parents and move on- although they'venever rrecognized their actions. I feel like no matter what I do I am the one who loses.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

I really, really miss my ex husband (who I thought he was)


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

miche4 said:


> I have posted in the sex in marriage and coping with infidelity forums but I'm finding I need help with another issue
> 
> I am incredibly ashamed/ embarrassed of my divorce (especially at my age-late 20s). My husband wanted the divorce and I am the one who ultimately filed. I am embarrassed to only have been married for such a short time and of how my husband treated me (which I never told anyone about).
> 
> ...


Miche4 
I understand what you going through I'm also in an abusive relationship and I find myself worrying about other people (e.g family) but the thing is we go through certain things in life for us to learn and be stronger. You have to believe in yourself I know it will not be easy but you need to be happy for yourself.

Taking medication is not a good idea I agree with your doctor I think Therapy would do and help you regain yourself and help you deal with this situation.

Don't be ashamed that you are the only one in your family to divorce.


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Just checking in. I'm still really struggling with accepting how things are. I can go through the day to day motions (to an extent) at this point but just coping with knowing what my parents and ex did just eats at me. It's also hard knowing that I will not have the life I wanted for myself. I saw some other posters on here discussing having hope and sleep patterns. I completely empathize with them because I just don't know how to have hope at this point when things have just gotten so difficult and while I used to use sleep to escape I can no longer do so because I have nightmares.

ETA I miss my ex horribly. Is this normal? I'm wondering if its because so much had to change when I got divorced (new friends, moving, new job, new living arrangement). But I do. And it is awful. I still cannot fathom how you could just get divorced and essentially disappear from your wife/ husband's life so quickly (except for the rare text). I know that is healthier for me in the long run but its almost like that part of my life never existed because of everything that has happened since. This is incredibly lonely


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

miche4 said:


> Just checking in. I'm still really struggling with accepting how things are. I can go through the day to day motions (to an extent) at this point but just coping with knowing what my parents and ex did just eats at me. It's also hard knowing that I will not have the life I wanted for myself. I saw some other posters on here discussing having hope and sleep patterns. I completely empathize with them because I just don't know how to have hope at this point when things have just gotten so difficult and while I used to use sleep to escape I can no longer do so because I have nightmares.
> 
> ETA I miss my ex horribly. Is this normal? I'm wondering if its because so much had to change when I got divorced (new friends, moving, new job, new living arrangement). But I do. And it is awful. I still cannot fathom how you could just get divorced and essentially disappear from your wife/ husband's life so quickly (except for the rare text). I know that is healthier for me in the long run but its almost like that part of my life never existed because of everything that has happened since. This is incredibly lonely



Miche-
OK... I may be a little weird here... 

The people I see through the week in no particular order: waiter and waitress at my favorite lunch resturaunt, the dude who own the vitamin shop, the Assistant manager at my favorite weekly take-out pizza place. She tells me everything about herself. When its slow, she will sit with me until my pizza is ready. I like that everybody there knows my name and they all talk to me. At the garden center, they all know me as well. I talk to the staff and other volunteers at the animal shelter, I talk to several regulars on the walking/running trails. I talk to my neighbors...I stopped my hiking group over the Summer. I miss it. It was too darn hot. I did that for 6 months or so and met lots of new people. I never developed any friendships...

Out of all the people I come in contact with, most are very talkative and friendly. I don't see as a friend. There is still that lonely empty feeling hidden very deep... I can understand what you must be going through Miche.

My wife is still my best friend and it is beginning to suck...I am glad I have hobby's to keep me busy. I know I would miss my wife as well, even though I tell myself otherwise...


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## miche4 (Mar 17, 2014)

Trickster, Unfortunately you will probably miss her even with the unhappiness. Hopefully things improve.

So I figured I'd post an update. Maybe in time I can use this to chart progress. 

Basically I am doing ok. I am still not happy and haven't figured out how to be. This drives me nuts as I am constantly trying to get there and it is exhausting.

The social situation has actually gotten better. It isnt where I would want it to be (and it isnt as bad as my brain tricks me into thinking) but there has been progress over the last few months. I am still having a hard time letting go of the fact that I will not have the friendships I had (and the ex gets to keep all of them grr). I cant even go on social media anymore because it just upsets me so much.

The parents situation finally came to a head and we are estranged. They are angry about it but it had to be done. I have several family members that are backing me on it though which helps.

The loneliness factor is a major issue. The fact that I wont always have something to do with someone every weekend and have to get used to being ok by myself is still a work in progress.

Happy thanksgiving to all the US people on here. Thanksgiving actually was very nice. I got invited to 2 family functions that did not include the parents. The only thing that was a bit of a struggle was my cousins in my age range are all, yes every single one of them, in long term committed relationships AND are the very extroverted tons of friends type. Makes me feel a bit awful about myself (although all of them were very warm and caring towards me)

I heard from the ex the other week. I think I am just going to need to get to a place where I can be ok hearing from him every 2 months or so (and they are usually just mean single line comments that I avoid responding to.) It just hurts because he so obviously wanted me out of his life that he went out of his way t make my life very hard.... just leave me alone altogether. I think it is alos hard because everything happened so quickly and I have no answers.

I do try and stay busy but have found that if I exhaust myself that is when the nightmares come. 

So guys am I in a normal place? Any thoughts on how to get to the next level with all of this?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Miche-

Have you been out on any dates yet?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Michelle

How ya doin?


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