# BDSM and Marriage



## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

When my husband and I met 4 years ago we were both into the BDSM lifestyle. However, over the last 4 years after so much emotional downfall affecting us both, I have been finding it very hard to see him as a Dominate figure in our relationship. I seem to be the more stronger willed partner. Granted we primarily only practiced BDSM in the bedroom as we are both nurses and pretty dominate in our work/social lives but I am certiantly submissive in the bedroom. He still has the desire to be dominate in bed but I just can't seem to get into it after seeing him in such ways that I had to be strong for him. Does that make me a horrible wife? I want to get that specific spark back. It's such a fun aspect of intamacy we both found so fun and exciting but I just don't know how to get past my issues.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So he let his guard down an treated you as an equal and you no longer respect hm? Is that it? Or is it he turned into a kind a nice guy who tries to pease his wife and he lost the edge?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

Sorry, guess I should have been more informative. He has become much more of a "I just want to please you in every aspect" type of husband. Which is cool but as someone who is submissive, I feel the need to have a more assertive parnter. It's just very hard for me to respect him as I use to when he has become kind of a pushover in other areas of our relationship. I went through some very tough times with the loss of 2 family members and I did need him to lean on and he was wonderful at that time. But even though I've told him I'm coping well, it's been over a year since the last death, and I'm ready to get back to normal I feel he is still in the mode of coddling me in a way. I'ts just confusing to me and I've noticed it affecting the way I percieve him sexually. I was hoping to perhaps here from another sub who may have dealt with something similar but perhaps I should really post this in a more relative forum somewhere else.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Two books that folks here recommend are the Married Man SeX Life and No More Mr.Nice Guy.both of which might be just what you both need. They deal with the guy slipping into please the wife mode VS leading the relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Two books that folks here recommend are the Married Man SeX Life and No More Mr.Nice Guy.both of which might be just what you both need. They deal with the guy slipping into please the wife mode VS leading the relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks...I'll look into them. I apreciate the advice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Caitlyn, it's not unusual for folks in the life to switch -- there's no rule that says the same person has to be Top all the time.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Caitlyn, it's not unusual for folks in the life to switch -- there's no rule that says the same person has to be Top all the time.


Sound like she prefers to bottom though.

I think the OP should just talk to him.

He`s probably being a "Nice Guy" due to her recent losses and is trying to ... like she said coddle her due to it.

Just tell him you`ve gotten to a place where you`re handling the losses well and really need his control more than the coddling.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Caitlyn, you said you both work, but you didn't mention if you had any children at all? For me (I was never into BDSM thing before but I think it crosses over into everyday situations sometimes) I always has a submissive streak, but was a very confident male who was still the king of my world, when my son was born a switch flipped in me and I became completely submissive at that point. It has also been shown that many caring fathers have a spike in estrogen when their children are born, but I wonder if even just comes about from that point in a relationship where a certain comfort level and transition to LTR happens, and that king of his world hands the reins over to his queen?


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

My husband and I had a very similar discussion last night. While he likes to dominate he also likes to switch it up and for me to be the dominate one. We talked because it was turning into me being "in charge" way too often and it is something that I am just not comfortable with (in the bedroom) on a regular basis.

Plus where he leaves all decision making to me pretty much I find it sexy when he is a little aggressive


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## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

I used to LOVE B&D role playing! Im great at it since I am so verbal. Hope to find that in my next partner.


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## runningman1 (May 7, 2012)

I would love to do role playing with B&D

My wife doesnt seem into it but would love to slowly and firmly tie her up, in a hog tie cleave gag her tightly and watch her struggle - to weird?

I would say thats as far as it goes I am certainly not into causing distress or pain ans would certainly never to anythingdo unless my wife and actually wanted to.

Our sex life has improved and I surprised myself that after years of hiding a fetish I came out and told her and she was OK with it - the fetish was black stockings and 5 inch black patent heels - she wears them occasionally and looks so sexy. I did mention I wanted to tie her up but got no reponse and I am not going to push it


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## CaitlynCat (Jun 1, 2012)

@Tacoma: You hit the nail on the head...I'm def a bottom when it comes to sex. I am a nurse at a military psych hospital so I pretty much have to be on gaurd and assertive 24/7. Not to mention I'm the one to handle all our household activities and chores for the most part. He is a nurse as well but he has from the begining stated and held true that he was and is a Dominate person. This is after all what turned me onto him to begin with. Ours was a purley sexual realtionshiop for over a year, and it gradually became more over time. I on the other hand have been sexually submissive from the get go. It's my way to release after a hard day...to have someone else tell me what to do, how to do it...you get the point. I know this is not an easy concept for alot of women and there's nothing wrong with that. But I am glad you understand where I"m coming from. The thing about it is that I'm not just into your simplistic stuff with rope and such. I tend to wish for quite a bit more devilish kink than that. It's just my personal preference. 

@Lon- No kids, nor do we wish to have any. By all means to each their own but its just not something my D/H and I have ever desired and we were open and honest about that before saying I do. So it's just us to take care of us and our amazing 4 legged furry kids...LOL. we have two german shepherds who we treat like kids! 

Thank you all for your responses. I usually post questions like this in a BDSM specific forum but alot of times it just ends up being a bunch of wanna be 'Doms" trying to hit on me or some crap so I figured it would be nice to post this topic on a more traditional forum. I'm gald I did.


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## Aubianne (Aug 8, 2012)

Hi there.

My husband and I actually have a new Podcast dedicated to this very topic: conducting a BDSM marriage, and all the myths, misnomers, reality, and fantasy involved. Since '09 we've given our audience straight-talk on difficult issues with the relatively popular 'Diary of a Dominatrix' Podcast. After we got married, encountered a smorgasbord of obstacles ranging from mutual psychological blockages, mismatched expectations, and things just flat out not going as we'd intended, we took a hiatus from our first Podcast, and then decided to rebrand our new one to highlight, specifically, the pros and pitfalls of this lifestyle choice.

BDS&M: Tales from a Female-Led Marriage

Rather than link to one specific episode, I've given you the main feed above to which you can easily subscribe.

Some things that come up in a BDSM marriage is how to build a solid and healthy psychological foundation, so that your alternative sexual activities don't undermine the marriage; negotiating extramarital activities (for those exploring 'cuckolding' or swinging) understanding the purpose of your power exchange and how it impacts your relationship, and, more importantly, how to navigate the inevitable minefields when dealing with family and friends who don't share in your lifestyle - that's a BIG one.

I'm a therapist who's practised in the 'kink' community for several years now and been engaged in an active BDSM relationship with my husband since 2008.

I'd love any questions you might have, and see how I can contribute to the demystification of this very complex, somewhat controversial lifestyle.

Best of luck to everyone!

-Aubianne


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## Aubianne (Aug 8, 2012)

You'd be surprised, also, how many men are actually very submissive. The second you indicate that it's okay for them to be, and unconsciously support it, they'll push it further and further to the point where you're the dominant partner.

Trouble is, when an individual has a demanding career or lifestyle, where they have great responsibility and are asked to be 'in charge' of a lot, they really want nothing more than to let go of the reins and be the submissive partner in a sexual encounter.

This can be the breakdown of a relationship. Sexuality is, indeed, more dynamic than we think; both partners should be free and encouraged to explore both sides of the spectrum. Generally speaking, women are generally, naturally submissive - and a lot of men, too. This means, in a random pairing, both partners will be innately inclined towards submission.

What to do? That's a more complex issue. But the 'bottom' line  is that both partners be honest with each other about their needs, and approach the situation with empathy and support, being careful to also air out any resentments and disappointment - as those are sadly inevitable when you no longer sync up as perfectly as you did in the beginning.

Here's my advice for you, Caitlyn.

Rather than be upset about how he isn't meeting your needs at the moment, take this opportunity to better satisfy his. You're naturally submissive, right? That doesn't have to be limited to sexual activities. Do you not enjoy seeing him fulfilled? Take a minute to truly reflect on your marriage, and the relationship you share. Just because he's leaning towards exploring his submissive side, doesn't mean you have to invest in leather and change your salutation to 'Mistress' - (although, I'm sure he'd enjoy it as a role-play in the bedroom).

Think of it this way. A person's willingness to submit - their trust, devotion, and desire to place someone else's needs above their own - is a very special gift. I certainly remember the day my husband and I got to the place (long before we were married) in our relationship to where he felt so comfortable with me, so trusting, so in love, that he wanted to submit to me. I'll never forget it. It changed everything.

While nothing ever worth it was easy, remember; the key to that phrase is that it's worth it.

So, consider satisfying your emotional submissive needs by helping to fulfill his current desire to explore sexual submission. 

Marriage is compromise!

Good luck. 

-A.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

CaitlynCat, I'm the Dom in my relationship. Have you told him specifically that you are ready for things to get back to 'normal'? If you haven't, please do that right away. It could be that he's just waiting for some sort of signal from you that you can handle his 5th gear again. Give him some time to get back into the swing of things, and count yourself lucky that you have such an emotionally intelligent and flexible partner that can adjust in order to give you what you need. If you have told him, what was his response?


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## Aubianne (Aug 8, 2012)

To some extent, it's about respect, but deep down, it's aboute compatibility. Since sexuality is fluid, when a partner who, for example, was dominant, becomes comfortable to explore submission, they're much more likely to do so with a partner who's already showed a pretty unfailing dominance.

So, yes, the question then becomes - what happens when a formerly dominant partner no longer seems dominant? Astounding how common this problem is - which is why I say that sexual orientation (in this regard) is so very dynamic.

Unfortunately, but one thing I've noticed most of all is how submissives just will not, under any circumstances, submit to a partner who is not 100% dominant.

But you're absolutely right, 3leafclover: NO ONE is 100% ANYTHING. Dominants are just as capable of showing 'weakness' and being submissive as those who prefer to hang out on the opposite side of the spectrum.

The underlying factor which dictates the direction of the relationship SHOULD be trust and respect. Though it's a taller order than you might suspect. The heart is certainly not a logical thing; it wants what it wants. In the realm of desire, we simply WANT what we WANT - logic be damned.

Since it seems, Caitlyn, you're simply feeling as if the dynamic changing between you is unwelcome - that you'd rather have a more traditional marriage, where he's the dominant husband, and you're the submissive wife, you do need to be absolutely clear with your husband about this. IF he says that he'd like to explore his own submission, THAT's when you need to have an entirely different conversation.

But, for now, express what you want, and see if it's matching up with what he wants. If not, be prepared to make some changes.

-A.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also sometimes you just grew tired of the theatre of it all,and you just loose the passion for being dominated or doming,


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## Aubianne (Aug 8, 2012)

3leafclover, nothing I disagree with. Very well stated. 

It's about balance. No one should be expected to engage or maintain a 'total power exchange' for a long term relationship, unless it's mutually benefitting them both and there's no desire to experience otherwise. But it's too often the case there IS a desire to, and that leads to similar issues as Caitlyn seems to be contending with. 

I wish them both the best in any case, and hope they're able to deal with all frankly and come to satisfying resolutions. 

-Aubianne
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

GhostRydr said:


> I used to LOVE B&D role playing! Im great at it since I am so verbal. Hope to find that in my next partner.


I agree, its nice sometime to b able to let loose that side and be comfortable witg a partner. That being said, I am not hardcore about it nor do I like it everytime or want it to extend out of the bedroom.









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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