# What if you regret marrying to your husband?



## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

I don’t know if any women here do, but I regret. We have been together 9 years and married for 7. One child is 3 and the other is on the way. 

We have been through tough times in the last year or so. Mostly disagreement around money, and how to get along. Because we have very different views and values, there is a lot of tension around any kind of decision making process. I like saving money and he likes spending money. I like living under our means and he likes to enjoy life. I hate debt and he doesn’t mind. I have a lot of resentment and anger towards him. 

I have learned to let some of it go, so I don't drive myself crazy day to day. I distance myself from him to have peace of mind. We talked about this many times and even talked about the option of divorce. But having a young child and a baby coming, I don’t think that is a viable option. I do want my kids to grow up with their father. I think he knows to a certain degree I regret this marriage. I ask myself how stupid am I to marry him without seeing all the risks. There's a world of difference between him and I: education background, culture, income level, personality, etc. I married him because he is loving and caring. But 7 years later, the way he thinks and does things is so irritable. Excuse me but I sometimes think he is a moron. I have very little warm or positive feelings towards him. He senses them too. 

Before he often complains that I criticize him too much and don’t respect him. He is right, I don’t respect him in a lot of ways because I just can’t bring myself to respect something that, in my mind, is plain dump or makes no sense. Now the difference is I tried very hard every day not to pass any judgment on his actions or opinions. Why bother? What's the point? I opt out to no comments. I am not naïve to think I can ever change him. I am tired of trying to get through his thick skull. He is who he is. And this definitely creates more distance. There is no synergies, therefore no closeness, therefore no real relationship. 

Anybody has the same kind of regret? I mean, you still care about him because he is family. But you can’t honestly say you love him very much. What do you do to keep the marriage alive for the kids’ sake?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Loving and caring doesn't pay the bills. Your fundamental differences are glaring now that the newness of the relationship has ended. You can try marriage counseling. If in the future you decide to divorce, do it while the children are still young - it is easier on them.


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## c101 (Jul 19, 2013)

Wow. Love and marriage is hard. Either you can accept him for who he is or you cannot. I wish you the best in deciding your future.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm going to argue he's not all that loving and caring. If he were he'd be somewhat considerate of your needs and he'd be willing to work with you on a compromise.

I married a spender and while it was hard at first we loved each other enough to come to a workable agreement on money. Living his way of life wasn't sustainable to me because I don't like debt. Bottom line is we compromised. He got spending money and I got money to pay down debt. Win/win.

This is what loving caring people do. Selfish people however what what they want and they want it YESTERDAY. They don't care how their actions affect others.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

This is a tough situation, for sure. Do you think your regret may be more centered around a "grass is greener" ideal? (Sitting there thinking how much better off/happier you'd be if he wasn't around?)

I understand where you're coming from, my husband and I have similiar differing views and we've been together about as long as you two have (no kids, though.) There has been a cycle created in your life that seems nearly impossible to overcome. Generally opposing view points, spending habits, ideas on happiness, etc...what makes sense to you, may not make sense to him. But year after year, it can get frustrating and I'm sure there are days when you just wanna grab his face and scream "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET IT?!?" 
But as you said, you can't change him, anymore than he can change you. 
One thing it may be helpful to think about is...is anyone REALLy "right" in this situation? Or is this just two people who care about each other, growing apart because they have different values and ideals?
It sounds like a great time to sit down and re-assess what's going on in this relationship. If he is still loving, caring and kind...that's great...it got you hooked in the first place...ask yourself, why isn't it enough any more? And what can you both do to try and meet in the middle?

I wish you the best of luck and would love to hear any more insight/details you have on the situation.

Oh, and one question I'd like to add...you say you regret marrying your husband. Is this a constant thought? Or does it come and go? I can assure you every married person in the world has moments of "What the f*** was I thinking?!?" It's not always easy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I knew when I was younger had I married someone with too many fundamental differences I would likely be hell to live with ... it would cause a lot of fighting.. I expected certain things.. and I was willing to do my part to get there...but dagone it...if he fell down on the job...I'd want to run him over with a mack truck... I am a saver, would never stomach a spender unless he had money to burn... 

Even though this sounds terrible, I am pretty easy to live with cause we are very compatible! 

I do feel it matters tremendously being on the same page... some temperamental differences can work fine, even be beneficial ...... but *goals*, *dreams*, *beliefs*, *moral values*, *Love languages*, *homebody vs partier/ adventure seeker*... *want kids/ don't want kids*... *Traditional lifestyle vs Modern.*... *Country living vs city.*.... gotta find that balance and compromise BEFORE walking down the aisle... to lesson these contentions that will ARISE after the vows..as inevitably they will ! 

I did a thread touching on many of these things, these inherent differences.. about 12 + things mentioned... we know you have the Spender vs Saver issue at hand....what others ? and do you feel you and he could compromise enough to save the marriage..find that acceptance / peace with each other - for the children ?

COMPATIBILITY B4 the vows & beyond = Marital Harmony & Joy 

And *RESPECT*... it is very important in a marriage.. if this can't be given, felt, it will crumble. 

Can you make a list of WHY you have lost respect, was it EVER there ?


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## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

No it is not centered around grass is greener ideal. I am fully aware of the fact that nobody is perfect. I just can't seem to be on the same level with him on many aspects of life.

Why I don't think the 'loving and caring' isn't enough anymore is because 1) His 'loving and caring' is not applied in the way that benefit me. He'd say 'I love you' and then fxxx something up. 2) Most of the time I don't think he understand what I am saying. I am a very logical person. To him, I am just jabbering fancy words or technical stuff and I am nuts. 3) He is unable to see the problems and his mistakes.

The thought doesn not come and go. It has been there everyday for about 6 months.



plasmasunn said:


> This is a tough situation, for sure. Do you think your regret may be more centered around a "grass is greener" ideal? (Sitting there thinking how much better off/happier you'd be if he wasn't around?)
> 
> I understand where you're coming from, my husband and I have similiar differing views and we've been together about as long as you two have (no kids, though.) There has been a cycle created in your life that seems nearly impossible to overcome. Generally opposing view points, spending habits, ideas on happiness, etc...what makes sense to you, may not make sense to him. But year after year, it can get frustrating and I'm sure there are days when you just wanna grab his face and scream "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET IT?!?"
> But as you said, you can't change him, anymore than he can change you.
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Anybody has the same kind of regret? I mean, you still care about him because he is family. But you can’t honestly say you love him very much. What do you do to keep the marriage alive for the kids’ sake?


Prior to the late 1960's women didn't have many choices. They sucked it up and lived with what they married into, raised the children and emotionally disconnected enough to not lose their minds. They hoped to outlive their spouse so they would be finally free to do as they chose to with the insurance money.

It's not the 60's. You can do what you choose and have more opportunity to do so than you ever did as a woman in the past, even with children in tow. I know women that have chosen to be single parents (never married the father, and don't plan to and have separate lives) and are thriving.

Regret? You can wallow in it or change your circumstances. All up to you.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

This sounds similar to some of my issues. Looking backward I realized that many of our disagreements and lack of what I gave could be summed up in the word Security.

You have a young child and one on the way. This is huge nesting and momma bear time. Any lack of security you feel for you or your children is heightened. This is not to say false but focuses on that one thing that threatens you. Financial security not being tended to can be a huge issue.

Does he have a plan? A budget that allows for the month as well as college tuition for the kiddos? Figure out the things that you would like to see and ask for it. 

A spender may not see this stuff and need a wake up call that this is about the sustainability of his family. Ain't it amazing how the same guy with money(security) is way more attractive than the his poorer version?

~Passio


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## dhpuod (Nov 26, 2012)

Compromise is a word many people like to use. But I can't tell the difference between 'compromise' and 'give-up'. To me, compromise means I give up what I believe (no matter how strong it is) and go with something I hate. So now I am in a 'giving-up' kind of mode, because the alternative is divorce. 

List of reasons I lost respect to him:
1) Even been proved time and time again that I am right about whatever, he never admits and still thinks I am crazy. It's like a child argues that 1+1 is not 2 but 3. There is no reasoning with him.
2) I am making increasingly more money than him. And he thinks he is entiltled to spend every penny of it.
3) When I explain why certain things work this way or that way, or why one way is better than the other way, or giving advise in general, he thinks I just want to control him.
4) He has no career aspiration and I do.
5) I find myself always fixing things that he left off. 




plasmasunn said:


> This is a tough situation, for sure. Do you think your regret may be more centered around a "grass is greener" ideal? (Sitting there thinking how much better off/happier you'd be if he wasn't around?)
> 
> I understand where you're coming from, my husband and I have similiar differing views and we've been together about as long as you two have (no kids, though.) There has been a cycle created in your life that seems nearly impossible to overcome. Generally opposing view points, spending habits, ideas on happiness, etc...what makes sense to you, may not make sense to him. But year after year, it can get frustrating and I'm sure there are days when you just wanna grab his face and scream "WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GET IT?!?"
> But as you said, you can't change him, anymore than he can change you.
> ...





SimplyAmorous said:


> I knew when I was younger had I married someone with too many fundamental differences I would likely be hell to live with ... it would cause a lot of fighting.. I expected certain things.. and I was willing to do my part to get there...but dagone it...if he fell down on the job...I'd want to run him over with a mack truck... I am a saver, would never stomach a spender unless he had money to burn...
> 
> Even though this sounds terrible, I am pretty easy to live with cause we are very compatible!
> 
> ...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Compromise means BOTH people give up part of their demands.

So far you're doing all the giving and he's doing all the taking.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Regret, yes. I remember the first time I really allowed myself to acknowledge that the marriage may have been the biggest mistake of my life, and it nearly triggered a panic attack. That was years ago. 

Then I decided to try my hardest to fix it anyway, for the kids' sakes. We did some marriage counseling, but he wasn't really on board with it. At our 3rd or 4th session he said he was basically just waiting for me to drop the whole "we need to work on things" attitude and go back to the way things were. We stopped MC when we moved and haven't started up again where we are now.

So, I'm working on self-improvement. Learning about boundaries, learning to be a healthier person, in case my discontent stems from inner issues and/or poor boundaries. 

If none of this works, I will divorce him. A spouse can't make you happy, but they sure can make you miserable.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Q: How can you love someone you don't respect?

A: You can't.

Too bad you didn't realize this before marriage and kids.

Was he a totally different person before marriage? 

If my partner wanted to get something "through my thick skull" I would show them the door. Is he unhappy as well?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

You are dealing with a really tough situation. When I read everything you have written so far, I just see somebody who is really unhappy and frustrated with their life. Overall, everything you have said points to the fact that the bigger part of you is already telling you to leave him. You obviously don't respect him, and to me it sounds like you really don't love him, although you may always care about him because he is the father of your children. 

Let me suggest this though if you are at all convinced that staying with him is best for your children. Tell him everything that you just told us. You may have actually told him some of this, but not so directly. You need to be direct with him on how his behavior is making you feel. I don't think when you say he drives you crazy its really him. It is his behavior in not being willing to listen and compromise that is driving you crazy. You are maddened by the fact that he won't acknowledge your opinions as valid. That doesn't work in a marriage when one partner does not respect the opinion of another.

I am going to advocate that you be COMPLETELY honest. I am not saying you need to be cruel or raise your voice or just get in his face about it. Sit down, explain in a fair way, everything you are feeling. If his reaction is completely defensive, I would walk away from the conversation and come back later. After he has had some time to think, if he loves you at all, I think he might be willing to talk about it more to see if there can be a compromise.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I'm in the same boat after a dozen years of marriage. After the kids arrived, all of her immaturity and insecurities seemed to come flooding out (or I just noticed them more). Her humor is very juvenile, she acts very immature/juvenile, and just loves nagging and picking at me about everything (but if someone else does what I do, it's OK. It's when I do it that it's a problem). She wants to be the peacemaker with everyone, but with me, it's nag, nag, nag. 

It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be around her anymore. I should say something, but that won't get us anywhere but start a fight, so I just keep to myself. I don't have anything to say to her anyway that doesn't relate to the kids (actually, I have plenty to say, but it's better to keep it to myself). 

That all said, I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem. I'm not open about my feelings, and am rather reserved. I'd rather read a book than talk, in general. I don't think I'm cut out for marriage, and I wish I would have realized that many years ago.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Wives fall out of love with their husbands. It happens to all of them. Some can suck it up and get on with their lives, others divorce. Just choose your path. The love won't come back. What you choose to do about it is what matters.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm going to play devil's advocate because we're only hearing your side of the story and to be blunt. You sound VERY opinionated (doesn't usually work well with the idea of compromise). 

How critical are you of him verbally? Do you constantly critique everything he does? Is your husband a fighter, as in if he feels constantly criticized he's going to fight you on principle? (which means he's going to argue EVEN if it is illogical.)

I don't hear you talking about how you've tried to work with him and compromise. I honestly don't get this impression that you're "constantly giving" and he's "constantly taking". I see where you're painting that picture, but I'm not 100% sure about that. You seem a little too strong willed to be "pushed around". 

Have you tried a different approach than demeaning him, rolling your eyes at "your moronic, go no where" husband? Have you stopped paying attention to the GOOD things he does and is? 

Human nature is to fall in love with someone for their good traits while ignoring their negatives, and then gradually over time to stop paying attention to the things we fell in love with (they become expected and in turn taken for granted) while focusing on the negatives because they annoy us everyday.

The key to a long term relationship is not letting the scales slip over time. To constantly remind ourselves of the positives while accepting the negatives. 

I have a hard time believing your husband is THIS BAD of a guy if you, at one point thought this was the man for you for the rest of your life, conceived two children with him.

I get no sense of YOU wanting to compromise YOUR position and giving your husband credit. Maybe he isn't the most career driven man, but is he a good father. Is he loving towards you (when your not rolling your eyes at his idiocy) and your kids. Does he help around the house and yard?

You could've married a man who made 4 times as much money, but is working 80 hours a week while screwing his secretary...because "he deserves it".


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Good news! We live in an era of no-fault divorce. That means you don't have to put up with living in regret. You have the legal right to kick the father of your children out of the house and collect cash and prizes.

In this day and age, there are sure to be plenty of men out there who will gladly submit to you. Why waste time with a man who won't? Just to ensure that your children grow up in a 2-parent household? That's so Victorian.

As long as your kids have an X-Box, I doubt they will even miss their father. Of course, I could be wrong.

Good luck.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I'm sorry, you should not allow yourself to become pregant if that's the way you feel about your husband and your marriage.

Since you became pregnant withing the last few months, I find it quite astonishing that there are those recommending divorce... Yes people do get divorced but going from making a child to getting divorced is a huge and inappopriate step.

Marriage is a compromise and the two of you have to work out to a degree that you are BOTH in agreement.

And I can assure you that financially you, your husband, and your children will be worse off in a divorce situation. There are many other alterntiaves to improve your financial situation that are far better than divorce.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

This feeling of being trapped came upon me about a year into my first marriage. Although I married my spouse for the "right" reasons: same intellectual background, same values, etc. the spark was not there but I refused to acknowledge that at the time. 17 years later we got divorced. I tried IC, we tried MC and it just wasn't meant to be. Divorce, in my opinion should really be the last possible option. It's a brutal experience that I wouldn't wish on anyone, even if both parties agree, etc.

I hope you can find another solution!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I don't want to be a knuckle - dragging, "it's the hormones" kind of guy. However, it would be interesting to know how far along you are in the pregnancy. (Congratulations, by the way.)

My hunch is that you are six or seven months along. If that is so, consider your earlier statement that you've been feeling this way about him for about six months.

It may be wise to examine this correlation and decide for yourself whether all or part of your impatience with him may be related to your pregnancy - whether in a psychological or physical way. While not universally true, some women do get more emotional while they are carrying a baby. Only you can answer whether your physical situation is impacting your emotions regarding your husband. If there is any chance they may be influencing things, you may want to work extra hard to cut husband some slack and not do something or make accusations that you may regret when things return a bit more to normal. Good luck.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

dhpuod said:


> Most of the time I don't think he understand what I am saying. I am a very logical person. To him, I am just jabbering fancy words or technical stuff and I am nuts.


Playing dumb. Invalidating. Ridicule.

Husbands and wives can have different values on some things, but it is never OK to refuse acknowledging their position. How difficult is it to say "I understand you want to save money for the future and avoid debt because it gives you security"?

You have to do the same. You can't say "you don't like to save money because you are an idiot". Once you acknowledge each other's point of view it ratchets down the hate-response and you can negotiate an agreement.

It isn't an all-or-nothing deal with finances where you "give up" your values completely or have them fulfilled completely. You establish a monthly savings plan. It may not be as much as you want, and it may be more than he wants. But when people reach a negotiated settlement and stick to it, the respect is there.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Loving and caring doesn't pay the bills. Your fundamental differences are glaring now that the newness of the relationship has ended. You can try marriage counseling. If in the future you decide to divorce, do it while the children are still young - it is easier on them.


TOTALLY AGREED. Young kids are very resilient. Teenagers are apparently more difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

iBolt said:


> TOTALLY AGREED. Young kids are very resilient. Teenagers are apparently more difficult.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To the contrary, the younger the child, the more pronounced the negative effects of divorce. Teenagers are able to conceptualize themselves as distinct from their parents. Young children can't. Young children are egocentric enough to blame themselves for the family's dissolution.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

Not if parents make extra sure to talk with the kids that it was not their fault and there was nothing they could do to prevent mum and dad separating. O see where you're coming from but I think teenagers will make life more difficult for a step parent than say a 5yr old would.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

iBolt said:


> Not if parents make extra sure to talk with the kids that it was not their fault and there was nothing they could do to prevent mum and dad separating. O see where you're coming from but I think teenagers will make life more difficult for a step parent than say a 5yr old would.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Teenagers can rebel more. But a 5 year-old believes that the world revolves around him. He believes that his actions influence the events that surround him. You can't explain that away any easier than you could teach him calculus. You could certainly sit him down and explain things to him. But he wouldn't be capable of comprehending them.

Teenagers can understand that their parents' failures are theirs and don't necessarily reflect on the children. Younger children can't understand that. Younger children wrap their own self-esteem in their view of their parents. That's why young kids play the "my dad can beat up your dad" game and they think their mothers are the most beautiful women in the world.

In terms of child welfare, it's best to wait as long as possible to divorce, or even to forego it all together.

Now, I'm talking about children who are aware of their surroundings. It's likely that infants who grow up in single parent households don't experience the same trauma from the family dissolution that older children do. However, they still experience the negative effects of growing up without a father (since the mother is usually the custodial parent).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> I don't want to be a knuckle - dragging, "it's the hormones" kind of guy. However, it would be interesting to know how far along you are in the pregnancy. (Congratulations, by the way.)
> 
> My hunch is that you are six or seven months along. If that is so, consider your earlier statement that you've been feeling this way about him for about six months.
> 
> It may be wise to examine this correlation and decide for yourself whether all or part of your impatience with him may be related to your pregnancy - whether in a psychological or physical way. While not universally true, some women do get more emotional while they are carrying a baby. Only you can answer whether your physical situation is impacting your emotions regarding your husband. If there is any chance they may be influencing things, you may want to work extra hard to cut husband some slack and not do something or make accusations that you may regret when things return a bit more to normal. Good luck.


I have to agree with this. Don't do anything drastic while you're pregnant. When I was pregnant, I once yelled at my husband and then cried for an hour over a couch. It was totally irrational. You can kinda get temporarily possessed by the hormones.


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## iBolt (Aug 28, 2012)

dhpuod said:


> ...*There's a world of difference between him and I*: education background, culture, income level, personality, etc. I married him because he is loving and caring. But 7 years later, the way he thinks and does things is so irritable. *Excuse me but I sometimes think he is a moron. I have very little warm or positive feelings towards him*. *He senses them too. *
> 
> _Interesting that you know that he knows how you feel about him._
> 
> *Before he often complains that I criticize him too much and don’t respect him. He is right, I don’t respect him*


I find this section most telling. Your husband might be 'a few bricks short of a wall' but HE married you. Honestly, it appears you treat your husband with an element of disdain which will not help things, especially when you know how he feels? What have you done to address this?

Might I be a little harsh in saying that you sound rather elitist and unless your husband rises up the social ladder, he is stuffed. Why do some women these days believe that the value of a man lies in his IQ, income level and social status? One minute, women do not want to have to rely on a man for security, but the man must be able to do just that - just in case.

Now I get why so many young men are confused about their identity in the 21st century


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## Queen (Mar 19, 2013)

MrK said:


> Wives fall out of love with their husbands. It happens to all of them. Some can suck it up and get on with their lives, others divorce. Just choose your path. The love won't come back. What you choose to do about it is what matters.


Wives do fall out of love with their husbands, and husbands do fall out of love with their wives.
BUT, the love can come back if you want it to and work on it. It sometimes even comes back stronger.
I have fallen in and out of love with my H many times. Lol


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## serena8 (Jul 31, 2013)

completely understand how you feel...im in the same boat.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Um, no, I haven't regretted a second marrying my husband. But if I were in your situation, I'd be running down the hills long time.
A man with no ambition who spends all the money ? this alone would break the deal totally for me. As for the rest of the stuff mentioned, it's clearly an incompatibility on all fields and on how you look at life. It doesn't make one right and one wrong - it's just a mismatch, big, big mismatch.
I don't know how long you knew him before you got married, but these were issues to discuss before. This is the exact reason why I'm pro living together before marriage - get to see who they are and how they are before "I Do". 
I would opt to split up, like mentioned by someone, while the children are still little so it's not too much pain for them.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

dhpuod said:


> I
> 
> I think he knows to a certain degree I regret this marriage. I ask myself how stupid am I to marry him without seeing all the risks. There's a world of difference between him and I: education background, culture, income level, personality, etc. I married him because he is loving and caring. But 7 years later, the way he thinks and does things is so irritable. Excuse me but I sometimes think he is a moron. I have very little warm or positive feelings towards him. He senses them too.
> 
> Before he often complains that I criticize him too much and don’t respect him. He is right, I don’t respect him in a lot of ways because I just can’t bring myself to respect something that, in my mind, is plain dump or makes no sense.


If you have so little respect for him then confront this now rather than later. Your resentment is just going to grow, so quit toying with the idea and woman up: divorce him. Find somebody you do respect and let him find someone who loves and respects him.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am going to apologize from the beginning because I am going to be very blunt with you. You seem to be very rigid and egocentric in you view. This is not serving you well



dhpuod said:


> Compromise is a word many people like to use. But I can't tell the difference between 'compromise' and 'give-up'. To me, compromise means I give up what I believe (no matter how strong it is) and go with something I hate. So now I am in a 'giving-up' kind of mode, because the alternative is divorce. This is a very immature outlook. You don't seem to understand that compromising is a necessary and beneficial aspect of relationships. all ongoing relationship, personal, business, what have you.
> 
> List of reasons I lost respect to him:
> 1) Even been proved time and time again that I am right about whatever, he never admits and still thinks I am crazy. It's like a child argues that 1+1 is not 2 but 3. There is no reasoning with him.Without specifics, I can't comment on this.
> ...



It is my opinion that you will be unhappy in any mature relationship. I would suggest that you look at your contribution to your own unhappiness and consider MC and IC before you uproot you children . Good luck


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