# I could use some advice



## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Well this is my first post on TAM although I've lurked here off and on.

Just a basic rundown. Myself (28M), and wife (29F) will be married 5 years in June. We've been together for 10. One child (2m) and one on the way. To keep it short, and I'll gladly fill in details if needed...the relationship is rocky. No real big fights, no physical altercations. The problems all seem to be apathy, at least on my end.

Early dating, things were really good. We got along well, no arguments, intimacy was an issue but she had medical issues that lead to it being not as frequently as I would have liked and she voiced similar frustrations. As time went on and we graduated from college, we spent 1 year apart before our wedding. Our homes were in two different towns and we did our best to work things out for the year before we moved in together.

That's when the real rocks came. Her mother is seemingly on the Cluster B spectrum, histrionics, narcissism, a very controlling indicate who really has infantilized both her children (my MiL was making doctors appointments for my wife into her mid 20s on her own). She started to poison her against me, including saying that because my parents weren't spending much on the wedding that she should end the engagement. I always knew when she had been speaking to her because a fight would ensue via telephone. I found out about this after we married.

During our 2 years together as a married couple things were ok. My wife suffered from some depressive episodes, including continued statements of her wanting to leave because the apartment we rented "didn't feel like home" and "she had no friends" in the new town we moved to. Now, obviously I had no new friends and the apartment was new to me but I tried my best to help her through it all. Sex (which was already infrequent) began to really plummet.

We find out we're having a baby, the rush was on to buy a house, and after 7 months of looking, 2 failed attempts that have scarred me from ever wanting to buy a house again, we purchase a home. 2 months later, our son arrives into a brutally cold winter in an old home. Repeat the same issues as first move but add PPD. Turns out she at one point seriously considered filing for divorce, but mom who hated me now says to stick with it because I'm a good guy doing my best (again, told later), this is all happening while the family business I work for is doing the first expansion in two decades to triple our size. I'm pulled in two directions as I'm essentially the assistant general contractor for the project.

She feels abandoned with our newborn, I am working my tail off trying to help the business and her (and I learned to separate work from family and some personal boundaries working with family). Our relationship craters. She can't stand to be around me, much less talk to me. The limited physical intimacy (hand holding, gentle touches) ends. Any conversation is cut short. I ask her to go to MC and she agrees reluctantly.

Prior to our MC sessions, I remember one conversation that still is entrained and gets replayed when I'm feeling extra down. We were sitting in our living room and I begged her, crying, "you don't have to love me, just please be nice to me." Her look after I said that was a mixture of both disgust and apathy. To be honest my feelings for her have never recovered after that.

Fast forward to today, were expecting our second child, purely by accident. After the birth of our son I expected some semblance of a sex life to resume. I understood it would be a while but over the past three years, we have had sex maybe 10 times. Our longest stretch was 13 months. During a 2 year period we had sex 3 times, two of those happened in 3 days. Needless to say, were in a dead bedroom situation that it seems only one of us has a problem with.

Relationship wise, things are ok. We don't connect as it seems her devices and social media get more attention than I do. The most frustrating part is how my wife has seemingly regressed. She's currently going back to school and working part time to get into a different, better paying, position in her field. While her studies and work take time, it seems she's neglected any household chore at all.

I do, nearly, everything. I cook most the meals, I create the weekly meal plan and get the shopping list ready. I do the dishes, I've recently started on doing everyone's laundry, I clean when I can (toddler is terrified by the noise of both the vacuum and the lawnmower), heck I've had to pick up garbage that's been left out or plates left full of food hours later when I get home. I take out the trash, mow the lawn tend to our (my) garden. I give most of the baths, I get him dressed and drop him off and pick him up most days at daycare, and I'm the one in charge of the bills and the finances. I do the best I can while working a 12/2 schedule (work 12, off weekend), meanwhile projects are piling up that we want done just keep piling up.

I am falling closer and closer to the end of my rope. I feel like I've turned into her parent, or a butler. I receive little appreciation, the most I'll get is a quiet "thanks for doing X" when it was something that absolutly needed to get done. I've done somethings to establish boundaries better, but it's all getting so difficult.

I'm trying to improve myself slowly, I had gone to a local gym pretty regularly but have been unable to find a decent, repeatable block of time to get back into it. I've lost around 40lbs from my heaviest weight and feel better.

I guess this turned into a novel...I don't really have a succinct TLDR...any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is walking all over you because you are allowing her to do so. (If she is having real emotional/mental issues, she needs to be treated for that. Is she on medication?) Otherwise you are living in a prison of your own creation. You are a "NICE GUY" and many women do not respect that. You said this: 



MopWater said:


> Prior to our MC sessions, I remember one conversation that still is entrained and gets replayed when I'm feeling extra down. We were sitting in our living room and I begged her, crying, "you don't have to love me, just please be nice to me." Her look after I said that was a mixture of both disgust and apathy. To be honest my feelings for her have never recovered after that.


I know you were hurting but that was about THE WORST thing you could have done. She now sees you as weak and pathetic and has no respect for you. You have to stop doing everything around the house for her, stop enabling her apathy. Read the book/pdf No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover, I think it will be eye opening for you. 

If she needs mental help, get her help, otherwise YOU are the one who is going to have to make changes in order for anything to happen.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Hello......You need to man up and set some rules and not be afraid of the consequences if she balks. You are an enabler. It is your only hope of setting things right. Stay connected to this site for further guidance. You will be well served.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, read No More Mr Nice Guy as fast as you can. You'll understand why.


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

Where do you find the North More Mr Nice Guy sticky?


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## DazedandmoreConfused (Apr 12, 2016)

"No" More.......


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It sounds like she has some resentment that you are gone so much. If you want her to do more housework then ask her to. It sounds like you are both busy people and need to spend more time together. It's normal for sex to taper off when a new baby comes. She has a 2 month old and is pregnant, works and goes to school, do you really think having sex is at the top of her list? When your children get older your lives will get less stressful and odds are your sex life will improve. You created this life so stick it out. It doesn't sound like you have any major problems. Just typical stuff parents of newborns go through.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> It sounds like she has some resentment that you are gone so much. If you want her to do more housework then ask her to. It sounds like you are both busy people and need to spend more time together. It's normal for sex to taper off when a new baby comes. She has a 2 month old and is pregnant, works and goes to school, do you really think having sex is at the top of her list? When your children get older your lives will get less stressful and odds are your sex life will improve. You created this life so stick it out. It doesn't sound like you have any major problems. Just typical stuff parents of newborns go through.


Wow, way to minimize someone else's problems. You always think everyone should stay miserably married...makes me wonder about your user name...

If I read the OP right, the first child is not 2 months old, but 3 years, or almost 3? His wife is checked out and not being a partner in the marriage.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> It sounds like you are both busy people and need to spend more time together. It's normal for sex to taper off when a new baby comes. She has a 2 month old and is pregnant, works and goes to school, do you really think having sex is at the top of her list? When your children get older your lives will get less stressful and odds are your sex life will improve. You created this life so stick it out. It doesn't sound like you have any major problems. Just typical stuff parents of newborns go through.


Absolutely disagree with this. Sex was a problem before they even married. She has zero regard for her husband or his needs. Or her child apparently, leaving everything to her husband or the child would live in filth.

I think she has too many committments going on, and something's gotta give. It shouldn't be her marriage though. 

Your spouse should be your top priority, over everyone else including children (that does NOT mean you neglect the children and don't meet their needs). My husband is my best friend. We chose each other to build a life with, to make memories and have each other's back always.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> It sounds like she has some resentment that you are gone so much. If you want her to do more housework then ask her to. It sounds like you are both busy people and need to spend more time together. It's normal for sex to taper off when a new baby comes. She has a 2 month old and is pregnant, works and goes to school, do you really think having sex is at the top of her list? When your children get older your lives will get less stressful and odds are your sex life will improve. You created this life so stick it out. It doesn't sound like you have any major problems. Just typical stuff parents of newborns go through.


SMH... Unbelievable, really.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

wait until she finishes school then file for divorce or be stuck to this crazy b!tch.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

DazedandmoreConfused said:


> Where do you find the North More Mr Nice Guy sticky?


These are Canadians Eh?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It also sounds like she may be depressed. Has she been checked for that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> It also sounds like she may be depressed. Has she been checked for that?


Post Natal/Partum depression or its nastier sibling Post natal/partum psychosis.

Needs to be addressed ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Annette Tush (May 4, 2016)

It just looks like you have to Man-Up. It is like your whole being revolves around this woman. But it is complicated especially with these young kids.... hmm


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

first step is to recognize that, despite how hard you've been working in one sense, you've completely failed in another.

rather than accept the difficult task of confronting your wife, you've hidden inside a fantasy that you can make everything OK by yourself.

this has backfired big time because the more you give, the more she takes. it is a black hole-- there will never be an end to this cycle.

do not blame your wife from this. it is your fault. you created this monster. own that.

now, if you want to turn this around, it is going to need to be gradual. The other option is to just pull the plug and leave. this is a real option at all times, so let that be your comfort.

but assuming you want to fix it, it will be like turning a battleship. Think miles ahead. You are going to be continuing to do the lion's share of work for a long time. If you try to abruptly reallocate duties you'll just hit a brick wall and get nowhere.

Start by letting your wife know in a calm way that you'll no longer be taking care of some routine task. Maybe laundry. When she fails, let her fail. Clean your clothes but no one else's.

when she sees you won't be carrying her on this task she'll know that she really needs to do it or it won't get done. don't nag her about it-- just completely ignore it. It's not your problem anymore.

After she acclimates to this for a while, introduce another task.

Gradually do this until a new equilibrium is established.

If she pushes back and gets emotional (and she will), just say, "We talked about this." And then walk away.

You must be completely, 100 pct calm and reasonable at all times. 

She will learn that it is pointless to fight about it, because you won't fight. You just make decisions and stick to them.

As for the gym, get some equipment at home. If you don't have any money, make a sandbag. You can get a crazy workout in less time than it takes to drive to the gym.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> She is walking all over you because you are allowing her to do so. (If she is having real emotional/mental issues, she needs to be treated for that. Is she on medication?) Otherwise you are living in a prison of your own creation. You are a "NICE GUY" and many women do not respect that. You said this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She was on an SSRI for anxiety/depression, but being pregnant she's off of it now, though even before she acted similarly.

I've got NMMNG, read it about a year and a half ago...looks like I may have to refresh myself.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Annette Tush said:


> It just looks like you have to Man-Up. It is like your whole being revolves around this woman. But it is complicated especially with these young kids.... hmm


It does make things more complicated. Had I known then what I know now, I may not have gone through with the entire thing...that said I want to make the best of everything that I can to make it a good life for me.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> first step is to recognize that, despite how hard you've been working in one sense, you've completely failed in another.
> 
> rather than accept the difficult task of confronting your wife, you've hidden inside a fantasy that you can make everything OK by yourself.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the response.

I've done the laundry thing...what ends up happening is I have mine done, folded, and put away, while hers and our sons is simply on a pile, or in baskets.

Her mother took care of everything for her, mine taught me how to cook, clean, etc. and my father willingly assisted without being asked. She was dealt a major disservice by not being taught the basics of household care because her mom did, literally, everything.

As for working out, I'd love to do it at home, I don't have the money or space for it...plus I rather enjoy getting out of the house and focusing on my workout.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

turnera said:


> It also sounds like she may be depressed. Has she been checked for that?


She has, she had PPD after our son, and has suffered with anxiety/depression for as long as I have known her.

She was also the victim of date rape, acquaintance drugged her drink at a party, the whole bit. Because of that I have a hard time being sexually assertive because I don't want to cause any flashbacks or further trauma...and she hasn't exactly been open with me on what she likes or doesn't.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Happilymarried25 said:


> It sounds like she has some resentment that you are gone so much. If you want her to do more housework then ask her to. It sounds like you are both busy people and need to spend more time together. It's normal for sex to taper off when a new baby comes. She has a 2 month old and is pregnant, works and goes to school, do you really think having sex is at the top of her list? When your children get older your lives will get less stressful and odds are your sex life will improve. You created this life so stick it out. It doesn't sound like you have any major problems. Just typical stuff parents of newborns go through.


Yeah, our son is 2.5yo... we had this issue before we were even married and I foolishly thought it would fade away after...clearly I was incorrect.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Betrayedone said:


> Hello......You need to man up and set some rules and not be afraid of the consequences if she balks. You are an enabler. It is your only hope of setting things right. Stay connected to this site for further guidance. You will be well served.


This is true...on a number of occasions she's complained that treat her like a child and each time I've bitten my tounge when I've wanted to say "because you act like one".

I'm tired of being a parent to two, I don't want to see what it's like being a parent to three...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MopWater said:


> This is true...on a number of occasions she's complained that treat her like a child and each time I've bitten my tounge when I've wanted to say "because you act like one".


Why bite your tongue? That is exactly what I said to my husband. To be fair, we had no kids yet. But like your wife, his Mom had done everything for me. I was not staying married to a person who wanted the breadwinner and maid for a supposed wife. No t'anky. He could have left with my limit setting. You are in a different pickle with 2 kids.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

What progress, if any, were you able to make in MC? Why did you stop?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MopWater said:


> Thanks for the response.
> 
> I've done the laundry thing...what ends up happening is I have mine done, folded, and put away, while hers and our sons is simply on a pile, or in baskets.


So? That's the point. The house falls apart until she wakes up. Or until someone else comes over and shames her for it and she wakes up. 

Take care of hygienic issues, safety issues...the rest? Start handing them over to her. And be prepared to say you'll separate if she doesn't participate.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

MopWater said:


> Thanks for the response.
> 
> I've done the laundry thing...what ends up happening is I have mine done, folded, and put away, while hers and our sons is simply on a pile, or in baskets.
> 
> Her mother took care of everything for her, mine taught me how to cook, clean, etc. and my father willingly assisted without being asked. She was dealt a major disservice by not being taught the basics of household care because her mom did, literally, everything.


she's an adult. she can operate a washing machine. 

nobody ever taught me how to use a washing machine but I figured it out in like 60 seconds. it's not the space shuttle.

stop making excuses for her. this is called enabling.

what if you died? what would she do?

start off by assuming you're "dead" with respect to the laundry.

if she fails, it's her problem. not yours.

get tough, man!


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

MopWater said:


> She has, she had PPD after our son, and has suffered with anxiety/depression for as long as I have known her.
> 
> She was also the victim of date rape, acquaintance drugged her drink at a party, the whole bit. Because of that I have a hard time being sexually assertive because I don't want to cause any flashbacks or further trauma...and she hasn't exactly been open with me on what she likes or doesn't.


dude, you feel so bad for her and she is just using that to walk all over you.

serious question: does it make you feel important because you need to take care of everything?

I'm not trying to be a jerk but you are presenting conflicting perspectives.

On the one hand, you're upset because you're doing everything and she's doing nothing.

On the other hand, you perpetuate this image of her as totally helpless. If you really believe this, then you should stop expecting her to help you out.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

MopWater said:


> Well this is my first post on TAM although I've lurked here off and on.
> 
> Just a basic rundown. Myself (28M), and wife (29F) will be married 5 years in June. We've been together for 10. One child (2m) and one on the way. To keep it short, and I'll gladly fill in details if needed...the relationship is rocky. No real big fights, no physical altercations. The problems all seem to be apathy, at least on my end.
> 
> ...


Just a few on my opinions on the situation...
1)You say your MIL has "infantilized" her children (your wife), it's possible that your wife is resorting to what she knows. If you do everything for her, as her mom has done for her, you will forever be doing it. I'm going through this with my H and his children. They primarily live with mom & grandma and those children are SO babied by them, that I fear their future will be miserable! 

2)PPD is not pretty. Especially when it seems your wife has slipped into a bit of a depression. Being depressed is so physically, mentally and emotionally draining and I'm sure that being sexually intimate is the furthest from her mind. 

3)I encourage you to be helpful to her, but by all means, STOP doing everything that you are. Being that she hasn't HAD to grow up and be independent, because her mom did everything, by you doing everything, she is falling back into what she's used to. 

4)As others have said, you need to put your foot down and set boundaries. I think this can be worked out. You both have a lot going on in your lives. Sit and have heart to heart talks, re-group and work things out. Make time for each other! Marriage is a full time job, and hours put in, are needed by both. Take charge of the situation and lay it all on the table. 

I think you're both disconnecting and you need to pull it together.


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## LadybugMomma (Apr 28, 2016)

Resembles raising a child, doesn't it? He's going to be teaching all the things her mother should have taught her. Good response.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> What progress, if any, were you able to make in MC? Why did you stop?


Very little, if any. We had only gone to a handful of sessions at my urging (after she said we should go and then reneging on the idea). It was under her insurance and we simply didn't schedule our next appointment and never went back. 

I believe she didn't want to continue as the therapist seemed to be understanding of my position and was more poised to work with her...so of course...


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> MopWater said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks for the response.
> ...


It's not that she can't operate the washer and dryer, it's that she doesn't finish the job. It's always kind of half-assed.

clothes washed, dried, then just put in a hamper and left there...so the laundry area is filled with clean clothes and she's pilfering through baskets...I don't care if her clothes are wrinkled, etc...it's that the issue literally piles up and it impedes me doing my own laundry.

I'm not trying to sound like a total ***** here, I've done the "I'm just gonna let it go and let her sink or swim" thing and it screws up my ability to get what I need done


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Anon1111 said:


> MopWater said:
> 
> 
> > She has, she had PPD after our son, and has suffered with anxiety/depression for as long as I have known her.
> ...


No, I hate it. I expected a marriage where we both contribute, not her sit everything out and I'm left to pick it all up. Honestly, she's seems like she's just lazy...I want someone to help with the dishes, run a vacuum once in a while...just give a ****.

Is she totally helpless? No. She's told me she knows she needs to do more but she's always "so tired", and this was before pregnancy.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

LadybugMomma said:


> MopWater said:
> 
> 
> > Well this is my first post on TAM although I've lurked here off and on.
> ...


Thanks for the response.

1. Her mother has such a strong influence on her, and she seems to really dislike it, yet she continues to let her influence her. It's a very strange dynamic.

2. PPD and all the rest was very hard for her, and I do not look forward to the possibility of it rearing its ugly head again after the birth of this child, though we will be much better prepared.

3. I do need to stop, let her sink or swim on her own merits. Do I ask her to simply do X task? I don't want to be the parent with a list of chores but I feel like that's what may be necessary to get something going...

4. I've been more open with my opinions and feelings and she's said she feels terrible (whether or not she does is yet to be seen in her actions) but I have been making more effort to be with her and spend quality time together to kind of restart the level of intimacy we had before.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think your wife has been hurt. You said that you made the comment that she didn't have to love you, that seems really odd to me and that might have struck her the same. I think the two of you need to talk and get to the root of the issue. When a wife has no desire to be with her husband (not due to hormone issues) it usually is a result of hurt in some way.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

AVR1962 said:


> I think your wife has been hurt. You said that you made the comment that she didn't have to love you, that seems really odd to me and that might have struck her the same. I think the two of you need to talk and get to the root of the issue. When a wife has no desire to be with her husband (not due to hormone issues) it usually is a result of hurt in some way.


She has been. During her pregnancy and after the birth of our child I was the second in command, if you will, involved in a multimillion dollar business expansion that took a lot of time. Being a new father with more responsibility than I've ever had and a wife suffering with PPD in a new house that had its issues I didn't set proper boundaries with work. I was working 10 hour days 12 days in a row and not taking time off.

I believe she felt abandoned and further resentment built up...and now I'm essentially trying to dig my way out and it seems no matter what I try to do, I gain little headway.

She goes to school and works and she's stressed->ok I'll take care of XYZ to reduce her stress level.

She feels like we don't spend enough quality time -> ok so I take more time off and try to be even more involved

The difficulty I find is that it does not seem to make much difference...or if it does I get very little feedback. Hell, her phone/tablet gets more of her attention than I do which is pretty insulting when she harps on quality time yet spends it with her devices rather than me.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Have you communicated your dissatisfaction to her about all of these things? It sounds like you feel you are carrying most of the load of running the family and would like improvements in emotional closeness, physical affection, child-rearing and help around the house.

Where is she when you are picking and dropping the child off at daycare? Where is she when you are cooking and doing dishes or getting the child ready for bed? 

One thing that might help you two is to set up a schedule every week, so you know when you might have some free time to go to the gym regularly. Perhaps you could do a sort of 'chore chart' based on your schedule and try to get her to follow it.

You seem to lack an emotional connection with each other and that may be affecting the physical connection. Therapy is a must for the two of you, probably individual and marital. The apathy is very concerning, you need to feel empathy for your partner and what he/she is going through but it is understandable that you feel detached when the physical and emotional connection are nonexistent.

What do you like about her? What made you fall in love her and does she still have these qualities? Do you connect with her through your child and do family stuff together?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So you make good money and take care of the family. I can't see anything that your wife does for the family, or for you. Apparently, it's pretty much always been that way.

My advice is to tell your wife she either fixes the problems you describe, or divorce her. I am wondering how you get her pregnant with such infrequent sex. Pretty impressive.

She's not changing on her own. I doubt she will either way. But, she for sure is not the only person on the planet to be married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> So you make good money and take care of the family. I can't see anything that your wife does for the family, or for you. Apparently, it's pretty much always been that way.
> 
> My advice is to tell your wife she either fixes the problems you describe, or divorce her. I am wondering how you get her pregnant with such infrequent sex. Pretty impressive.
> 
> ...


I've honestly thought about that. I work pretty independently at my job so I have plenty of free time to think, and honestly I don't know what she contributes...health insurance?

She birthed my son and is pregnant with another one of my children, and after that...I have nothing. There is nothing, short of interpersonal intimacy, that I need from her. I'm a capable home keeper, a pretty good cook, I'm relatively handy, I have a good job that offers flexibility when I need it...

I'm 100% confident in the origin of this child.

I'm going to attempt to set firmer boundaries and see how far that gets me... otherwise I already have a date set for what time to go if I need to leave.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Is the sex really that infrequent? Did she get pregnant the one time you did it in months? Didn't mean to insinuate that the baby wasn't yours, I didn't/don't think that at all.
It's a terrible shame that it has to come to divorce. Maybe filing papers and leaving for a while will do you both some good. She can learn to do things for herself and at the same time see what you were doing for her; you can learn not to do everything for everyone else, etc. You're going to be on the hook for lots of money either way. This way, maybe you can get a wife that will contribute something. Maybe she'll realize just what you mean to her and treat you differently. Then again, maybe she'll realize the checks keep coming whether you're married or not and she'll want a divorce. Either way, you'll have a chance at a woman that will show you some affection.

wishing you the best either way,
E58


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Lilac23 said:


> Have you communicated your dissatisfaction to her about all of these things? It sounds like you feel you are carrying most of the load of running the family and would like improvements in emotional closeness, physical affection, child-rearing and help around the house.
> 
> Where is she when you are picking and dropping the child off at daycare? Where is she when you are cooking and doing dishes or getting the child ready for bed?
> 
> ...


I'll try to answer as best I can in reverse order.

We do connect through our child, and I'm trying to be more involved with the pregnancy process with this new baby. We go out and do things together pretty often, regular stuff like grocery shopping or going to the park or out for walks.

She does not seem to have the same qualities, or if she does then I am misremembering what she was like years ago. Now she's more moody, short tempered, seems to be more easily set off and anxious. I'll attribute some of that to her continued education and working so it could be that. She's never been that good at managing stressors.

I fell in love with her because she was one I could talk to. She helped me through a very tough time in my life and at the end of the day, this woman that I didn't know that well was one of the few people who stood by me. She was fun, laughed easily, she was kind and generous...most of that seems to have changed.


My wife is heading back to therapy for the first time in years in a month or so, back to one that seemed to really dig deep and I felt like made the most headway. I probably could use some as well...I haven't had a decent friend in years, those that I have had are states away and discussion of these issues with family is uncomfortable.


Where is she when I'm doing the tasks, usually in the other room, "watching" our son... which entails her on a device while he plays around. Picking up and dropping off is the only area where we split pretty evenly, although with her schedule there are times when I'll drop him off, pick him up, cook supper, bathe him, and put him to bed...so I am single parenting it one or two days a week sometimes. I don't mind doing the work, like you said, I would like some recognition and some emotional support...more than a tepid "thanks for doing that".

She knows I'm not happy with it, but she's dealing with whatever she is dealing with...I can't make the horse drink.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Is the sex really that infrequent? Did she get pregnant the one time you did it in months? Didn't mean to insinuate that the baby wasn't yours, I didn't/don't think that at all.
> It's a terrible shame that it has to come to divorce. Maybe filing papers and leaving for a while will do you both some good. She can learn to do things for herself and at the same time see what you were doing for her; you can learn not to do everything for everyone else, etc. You're going to be on the hook for lots of money either way. This way, maybe you can get a wife that will contribute something. Maybe she'll realize just what you mean to her and treat you differently. Then again, maybe she'll realize the checks keep coming whether you're married or not and she'll want a divorce. Either way, you'll have a chance at a woman that will show you some affection.
> 
> wishing you the best either way,
> E58


To the sex question...yes. My record for involuntary celibacy was 13 months. To be 100% clear, between the conception of our first child, up until...march(?) Of 2015, we had sex 3 times, in 2 years. The kicker is that the 2/3rd was in a 3 day span.

Like I said, I've got a date in mind that I'm comfortable with that's a decent time away to let her make the changes she needs in a timely manner...she's got plenty on her plate and I'm not going to sabatoge that... she'll have ample opportunity.

Yes, it is sad if that's the case.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Your story sounds like mine. I married someone that I shouldn't have, but me being young and stupid, didn't see the signs and kept getting more stuck as time went on. Got engaged, felt stuck. Got married, felt more stuck. Bought a house, damn I'm really stuck. Then had a kid, I'm stuck for life. So my as well have a second kid. After 4 years of NO sex or any intimacy, I finally left after my youngest was 4 years old. Life is great again after being gone for 5 months. Having great sex with someone that actually loves you is so worth it. 

I have a feeling you'll walk away once the kids get older, just as I did.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

Just an example of what I'm dealing with...

Yesterday I had to finish planting my crops. Long story short, she knew that it would be a later day.

She hadn't studied for a test she knew was coming up, and had no problems telling me how she wasn't happy I was working late to keep ahead of the rain. As I'm done and heading home later, she's cooked dinner and I sit down to eat. I know the statement she'll make and right on cue...

"Must be nice coming home to supper on the table"

I made no response, gave her a "really" look and continued to eat. This happens maybe 2-3x/year during planting and harvest...

She then spent an hour or so on studying and homework...then plenty of time on social media...it's incredible.


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## MopWater (May 16, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Your story sounds like mine. I married someone that I shouldn't have, but me being young and stupid, didn't see the signs and kept getting more stuck as time went on. Got engaged, felt stuck. Got married, felt more stuck. Bought a house, damn I'm really stuck. Then had a kid, I'm stuck for life. So my as well have a second kid. After 4 years of NO sex or any intimacy, I finally left after my youngest was 4 years old. Life is great again after being gone for 5 months. Having great sex with someone that actually loves you is so worth it.
> 
> I have a feeling you'll walk away once the kids get older, just as I did.


That's looking like more and more to be the case...which I hate. I don't want my kids to grow up that way..


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

MopWater said:


> That's looking like more and more to be the case...which I hate. I don't want my kids to grow up that way..


I totally understand. It's the only heartbreaking part of divorcing, knowing that you are blowing up the lives that your kids know. You can't say it was a mistake, it's just how life goes. You learn from your mistakes and move on. You got two awesome kids out of it, so it wasn't for nothing. 

Even though you only get to see them half as much, that time is much better quality than before. You make it count. And the kids don't get to see their parents being miserable. They don't get to see the ugly fights. They don't get to see two parents not in love. 

It's interesting, my dad divorced with two young kids to a crazy wife that is similar to mine and then married my mom and was married for 30 years before he passed away. It's like I'm doing exactly what he did when he was my age. Live and learn..


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