# 7 months have passed



## tele

It has been 7 months since my wife told me that maybe we should separate. 

Since that time I changed everything about me for the good. I feel much better about myself and take care of myself better. I do things now that I have never done. 

I corrected a ton of mistakes that I was making and see her in a whole new light. I love her very much and we have fun together and work together very well. I compliment her because I want to not be I have to. 

My issue is I don't get any of it back. I do everything around the house and she helps very little. I say to her lets work together but it never really happens. She does appreciate what I do and I am not looking for praise. But I do not see it in her eyes that we are good.

I am trying to avoid the same patterns that we got into but I see following into those patterns. 

When I feel this way I show it. Not by what I say but how I am. 

My question to everyone is: Is this a petty thing or is there a way to get her to start to look at me as her husband.


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## Almostrecovered

it is not petty to have your needs met as well

but that said she is probably harboring resentment since was bordering on divorcing just 7 months ago and probably even thinks that the improvements won't last 

you need to have better, more direct communication that if you can't do by yourselves then a counselor could be in order


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## tele

How direct do I need to be. Some of the items that bother me are small items. 

I think we are in a good place and I do not want to rush it.


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## Almostrecovered

I believe in being very direct as after living with years of passive aggression from both sides was very toxic for us

It doesn't mean you make a mountain out of a molehill or dwell on stuff either

Start using sentences like "It makes me feel unloved when you..." "I feel frustrated when you don't..." to express yourself and then listen when they answer. Using accusations or anger will only put her on the defensive, instead frame your desires and lack of needs in the context of how it makes you feel and why.


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## tele

Thank you for the advice.

I guess at this point I want more and she is fine where we are at.


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## Almostrecovered

complacency is the enemy

both sides should always work at the marriage


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## Johnconrad

I agree with the Turtle.

Yet, I would avoid using the word "you".

It's a massive trigger for defense.

"I felt unloved in this situation" - as opposed to "I felt unloved because YOU didn't...."


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## ButtPunch

tele said:


> I do everything around the house and she helps very little.


Get these two books and read them pronto.

Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover

These two books should be required reading for every man on the planet.

How are you two in the sack?


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## zillard

tele said:


> *I do everything around the house* and she helps very little. I say to her lets work together but it never really happens. She does appreciate what I do and I am not looking for praise. But I do not see it in her eyes that we are good.


Is doing everything around the house something you are doing to better yourself, or is it to try and make "things" better? 

If you were a slouch before, doing more is great. But it's rarely one partner's responsibility to do it all, regardless of the past.

If you win her back by doing it all, when you cut down to 50% you'll likely have problems again.


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## DayOne

ButtPunch said:


> Get these two books and read them pronto.
> 
> Married Mans Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay
> 
> No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
> 
> These two books should be required reading for every man on the planet.


I'd also recommend Hold On To Your N.U.T.s by Wayne Levine. Definitely a must read (IMO).


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## Scotty0310

Tele,

My year long separation is alot like what you describe as for our home life. My wife has some OCD like issues about how things are to be put away, or arranged whereas I'll just shove all the pots and pans in a somewhat orderly fashion. I've had to limit myself over the years to doing basic laundry, sweeping, vacuum, trash and general upkeep kinda stuff. 

I stopped really doing alot because she would get mad at the way I was doing things, or how they end result looked. If I am doing the dishes and the dry rack runs out of space while I still have dishes left, I"ll slap down some paper towels and put the remaining on there; but dont let her see that, if the counter wasnt spotless before hand she'll get upset and say she now has to wash those dishes again.

I think as a man doing various chores around the house, we sometimes need the validity from the wife that we helped her out by giving her time to herself by doing chores. But I mean besides the usual man task chores. Personally I dont really need a thankyou, because to me they seem empty and meaningless, but I'd rather feel more appreciated from her for the simple fact I did the (insert chore) so she didnt have to.


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