# Ideological Husband



## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. In recent years, he has become increasingly politically ideological, specifically over the Affordable Care Act. He’s enraged over having to either purchase health insurance or pay a fine. He’s been watching the news obsessively, hoping Congress will repeal the bill or that it will be deemed unconstitutional. Last night, he informed me that he is planning to either face jail time (I realize that failure to pay the fee results only in the IRS withholding a refund rather than prison, but I think he’ll escalate and stop paying taxes) or change his citizenship and move to Mexico (one parent is a Mexican citizen). He told me he is not making immediate plans to do either action until after the 2016 election, but that if Obamacare is not repealed, he will start making preparations. I know him well enough to know that he’s not bluffing – he has been researching all of these things extensively in his spare time and is likely to follow through. 

I am not on board with this. I don’t share his zealotry. We don’t have kids, but we do have a house and assets. Yeah, I’m not thrilled about the state of health insurance in this country, but this is my home and I have no interest in emigrating. And I don’t want to see everything we’ve built go to lawyers and lose my partner to prison. My family is telling me to lawyer up and get out now. His family sympathizes with me, but no one is willing to confront him and try to make him see reason. I told him I would not support either of those actions and he calmly informed me that we would get a divorce, though he “hoped it wouldn’t come to that.” He kept saying that “none of this was my choice”. 

I don’t know what to do. Wait it out and see? Try to stage an intervention? Just cut my losses and get out? I’m devastated contemplating the loss of my husband. I’m also stunned, angry, and deeply hurt that he’d be willing to give up our marriage for the sake of his political views. I know he sees this as some great civil rights battle, but to me, it seems stupid and petty. He has a long history of getting sucked into long, drawn out legal battles over really weird, petty things (speeding tickets, late tax returns, HOA stuff) – he’s taken entire days off of work to write long legal defenses – and no, he’s not an attorney. Is this a mental illness issue? 

I know no one has a ready-made answer for me, but some insight would be appreciated. I don’t know anyone dealing with this situation and I feel so isolated.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Octavia4 said:


> I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. In recent years, he has become increasingly politically ideological, specifically over the Affordable Care Act. He’s enraged over having to either purchase health insurance or pay a fine. He’s been watching the news obsessively, hoping Congress will repeal the bill or that it will be deemed unconstitutional. Last night, he informed me that he is planning to either face jail time (I realize that failure to pay the fee results only in the IRS withholding a refund rather than prison, but I think he’ll escalate and stop paying taxes) or change his citizenship and move to Mexico (one parent is a Mexican citizen). He told me he is not making immediate plans to do either action until after the 2016 election, but that if Obamacare is not repealed, he will start making preparations. I know him well enough to know that he’s not bluffing – he has been researching all of these things extensively in his spare time and is likely to follow through.
> 
> I am not on board with this. I don’t share his zealotry. We don’t have kids, but we do have a house and assets. Yeah, I’m not thrilled about the state of health insurance in this country, but this is my home and I have no interest in emigrating. And I don’t want to see everything we’ve built go to lawyers and lose my partner to prison. My family is telling me to lawyer up and get out now. His family sympathizes with me, but no one is willing to confront him and try to make him see reason. I told him I would not support either of those actions and he calmly informed me that we would get a divorce, though he “hoped it wouldn’t come to that.” He kept saying that “none of this was my choice”.
> 
> ...


I can actually sympathize with your husband's position to some extent, because I'm pretty unhappy with the way things are headed politically in this country, and have done quite a bit of research on emigration.

However, *this* makes it sound as though he may indeed be mentally unstable, specifically some need to create drama in his life. Does he have any other odd behaviors that are along the same line?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've known of someone like that (associate of my sister's). Law suit after law suit, and it escalated. Yes, I do believe in some cases it could be mental illness, or at the very least a personality disorder. With your husband, I'd be afraid of his idealogy escalating. I don't really know what advice to give you about divorce or not, but I'm sorry you're in such a predicament with this unreasonable man . (I'm not a fan, at all, of the ACA either by the way)


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## Octavia4 (Sep 30, 2015)

_I can actually sympathize with your husband's position to some extent, because I'm pretty unhappy with the way things are headed politically in this country, and have done quite a bit of research on emigration.

However, this makes it sound as though he may indeed be mentally unstable, specifically some need to create drama in his life. Does he have any other odd behaviors that are along the same line?_


Short answer: yes. I don't want to go into specifics because I feel bad enough airing the dirty laundry that I aired. If he hadn't raised divorce as a likely possibility, I wouldn't have turned to the internet. No offense to anyone on here - frankly, reaching out for help seems like a normal healthy thing. 

I don't think being upset with the political state of the US is itself a bad thing. And if he had come to me and said, "Honey, I'm really upset about a lot of things. Would you consider moving with me?," I might have even been willing to consider it. But he's just talking about his future and his plans and being completely nonchalant about divorcing me.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Octavia4 said:


> _I can actually sympathize with your husband's position to some extent, because I'm pretty unhappy with the way things are headed politically in this country, and have done quite a bit of research on emigration.
> 
> However, this makes it sound as though he may indeed be mentally unstable, specifically some need to create drama in his life. Does he have any other odd behaviors that are along the same line?_
> 
> ...


Yes, I believe I understand your point of view pretty well. I've actually had discussions like *that* with my wife, and have investigated the possibility to a considerable extent. However, I have not said anything like "if you don't like it, then we'll get divorced so I can leave without you". It's up to me to convince her that the situation is grave enough to take such a monumental step, if and when I get to the point of deciding that it is that grave.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There are people like your husband who takes things very seriously and sometimes too far. Perhaps it is time you started setting some boundaries for yourself and following through, such as ensuring some assets are in your name only, bank accounts, desperate tax returns, etc. You have to tell him how you feel without disrespecting him and tell him if he is so willing to divorce you over his ideology you also have to start considering your options as he is doing emotional damage to you

Is it possible he can channel this hostile energy into working for a non governmental organisation (that looks at the issues he is passionate about) so that it doesn't affect you and your marriage personally. Sometimes people like this can do great things if their energy is focused in the right way. If he is taking everything personally and feels the need to retaliate to the extreme then it may be something more than a passion, he made need to see a professional.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He is mentally ill. Have him committed to a facility that participates in the ACA.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Married but Happy said:


> He is mentally ill. Have him committed to a facility that participates in the ACA.


Not helpful, at all.

It's perfectly fine for people to have strong feelings about political issues one way or the other, and even to desire responses similar to what your husband is feeling, but to act as though these are required steps that must be taken with or without his spouse, is unacceptable. My guess is that he is just embroiled in the anger, and hopefully just speaking from a place of frustration and is able to calm down and be more respectful at other times. Either way, I think it's important for you to stand up to him to some degree here, preferably during a marriage counseling session with a good licensed therapist.

So I think it would be good for you to share with him that you understand and respect his strong feelings, and even his interests in potentially moving/reclassifying his citizenship, etc. At the same time, you've got to point out how disrespectful it is, and a violation of the commitment he's made to you, to suggest that he is willing to take these drastic steps without your input, or even without you altogether. Certainly he might feel like he has no other reasonable choice due to the political circumstances, but the reality is that he absolutely does have a choice, and he alone is responsible for the choice he makes. I'd share how important your home is to you, that this is where you've lived your whole life, this is where your family and friends are, and while you aren't happy with the political circumstances either, you value your family/friends/marriage far more. Ultimately, if he earnestly feels that fleeing the country and these political policies is more important to him than his marriage, then I'd suggest that you insist that he make that decision immediately/asap.

My guess is that he'll either wise up and be more reasonable, or he'll let his anger talk and you'll start the divorce process, and he'll change his mind not long after.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you're on your own here. A guy who would divorce you and move to another country because he doesn't want to buy health insurance isn't someone you can seriously rely on to be looking out for your best interests. He cares more about his rage than he does about the two of you as a married couple. I don't get it anyway. He'd prefer the two of you to be uninsured? What if you need medical care? Neither of you has a job that offers health insurance?

Your H isn't capable of being rational, but you are. I'd suggest you seriously speak to a divorce attorney and understand your rights and responsibilities and how to prepare for a divorce. You are better off being prepared now that he's told you his intentions about this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

a lot of people say stuff like 'over my dead body' or 'let the terrorists come here, we'll show what we think of their sharia law!"

i think they really mean it at the time and and say it out of anger and true conviction.

nevertheless, the vast, vast majority of us when the cops finally do come and knock on our doors to confiscate our guns, we're just going to hand them over rather than go to prison.

when the stark reality hits us, the reality of lying in a 6 x 8 prison cell with some violent, wild eyed nutcase bunking with you and the prison gangs just chomping to get at you in the exercise yard, or the other possibility of getting into a firefight with swat saying 'over my dead body', you're suddenly faced with 'i'm AM gonna be dead, the cops ARE going to kill me!' and thinking about your family and loved ones, most people are going to give in and hand over the guns. maybe yes, maybe no, but hopefully your husband will come to his senses.

i don't like it either, but i'm not moving to mexico just yet. believe me. it's a lot more socialistic there anyway.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My friend said he would move to Canada if Obama got elected. He's still here. Living off government disability, by the way.

One of the reasons my SIL divorced my brother is that he turned into a clone of your H. I stopped talking to my brother altogether because I got sick of listening to him repeat Rush Limbaugh word for word. And I told him, once she filed for divorce, that I agreed with her. A year later, he's back to being a somewhat normal person.

So, I would say, start making preparations to leave him. You may not need to divorce, but I'll bet that if you move out for 3-6 months and he has to REoccupy himself with day to day things like feeding himself, all that crap might disappear in the wind.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Your husband has told you that he'd rather go to jail than pay for ACA. 

The implication of that is that he'd rather leave you without a husband than pay for ACA. 

He has TOLD you that he places a higher value on his political stance than on YOU as a priority in his life.

Lawyer up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To be fair, my brother had gotten SO sure his wife would never leave him that when he spouted off all this stuff, it had nothing to do with priorities. He just felt safe saying it. He took her for granted. Bit him in the butt though...


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think that some here are too focused on the Op's husband's fixation on ACA. The real issue is that his world view has changed due to circumstances beyond his control. This is part of the natural evolution that takes place inside each of us as we grow. Political views are just one aspect of this natural growth. 
When I met my ex we were ideologically compatible with each other. Both of us were staunch conservatives based on our life experience to that point. We continued down that path together for many years. Then I almost died. I experienced near death and made me rethink what was important in my life and I made changes to acommodate my new way of thinking. I discussed these with my wife, she did not completely agree with my thoughts but grudgingly accepted the changes (I started my own business). 
Ten years later the mortgage meltdown happened, and wiped me out. I filed bankruptcy, which caused me to do a lot of soul searching and introspection. I needed to understand why and how this happened. Again I questioned my beliefs and arrived at new ones. These were very much opposed by my wife, who still clung to her conservatism, while I was moving towards a more libertarian world view. She never accepted these ideas and in fact often times ridiculed them. In essence our world views were no longer compatible with each other. 
My political views were just the tip of the changes going on in my thinking. In the past I resisted organized religion. As I evolved I rejected organized religion. In the past I had dismissed abortion. As my thinking grew I came to realize that it was a decision best left for the individual to decide. I used to be for law and order. But I have since come to question various laws (such as drug laws) which actually undermine order. There are other examples, but my wife rejected all of them. In the end we could barely hold a discussion without it evolving into some kind of argument.
Sorry to ramble, but my point is that people grow and sometimes it is not in the same direction as our SO. Sometimes the changes are doable, other not so much and some not all.
Octavia, I am sorry you are going through this.But you must realize that you can not control what your husband thinks or how he feels. What you can do is control what you think and how you feel. If these changes are unacceptable to you, you must do what you must do to make yourself happy. Focus on yourself.


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