# Gong to a party where the OW will be...



## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

A mutual friend was having a small party, about 15-20 or so people. The woman my husband broke up and walked away from his family for will will be there. 

Would you go?

I rsvped that we weren't going and one of the party hosts asked me why. I told him because she was going to be there and it was an uncomfortable situation that I would rather not put myself in. 

This apparently caused an uproar and caused his wife to cancel the entire party and reschedule to have a dinner at a restaurant instead. The OW was also invited to this, but now my husband and I were not. My brother in law and his wife will be there and my cousin in law and his gf were invited to go, but are not going because the gf feels uncomfortable because her bf (cousin in law) slept with practically every girl that will be there.

So the gf and I planned for pizza and drinks this evening instead (were good friends). Now I am getting blamed by my brother and sister in law for the party being cancelled. My sister in law said we should have gone and "acted like adults".

Now since the cousin in law and his gf are coming over tonight, I am also getting blamed for being the reason they are not going to the dinner. 

All I did was tell the host why I wasnt going and it caused all of this. Was I wrong?

My sister in law said I should have made an another "excuse" to not go. I told her it wasnt an excuse and why would I lie about the reason I wasnt going?

What a mess declining a simple party invite has caused.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm confused!

2nd sentence: Husband walked away from you all.
7th sentence: Your husband and you were not invited to the re-scheduled party at the restaurant. Same husband and reconciled, or new husband? If new husband, how long since you and first husband split?

1.) Would I attend? Depends. If my h had just dumped me within the last 3 years or less, HELL NO! And I'd have to reconsider friendship with any IDIOT who didn't understand how UNCOMFORTABLE THAT WOULD BE FOR ME!

If my h had dumped me 5+ years ago and we were both remarried to other people, I'd consider it. Depends on how acrimonious your current relationship with ex-h is.

2.) Your SIL is full of shyt! When *her* husband starts having sex with other women and leaves HER for someone else, then her opinion wil be relevant. UNTIL THEN, she should KNOW enough to shut-up about matters she KNOWS she has no experience with. Really? Telling other people who've been hurt how to feel/act? What a self-involved, spoiled IDIOT.

3.) You were NOT wrong to state your reason. NOW this situation will NEVER crop up again because you have put your host/hostess on notice that this is 'deal-breaker' material for you/your husband. She can make her current/future plans with that information in mind!

You're entitled to feel like you feel. You're entitled to state your truth. If other people don't like it, tell them to take their "pain" somewhere else!

The "mess" only exists if YOU CARE what these apparently VERY thoughtless and selfish people THINK (hostess for thinking you wouldn't mind, SIL for being such a be-yotch about a stupid party! Seriously, it's a PARTY...it's not donating an organ to save a life!)


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Ano said:


> Would you go?


Nope.



> ... the gf feels uncomfortable because her bf (cousin in law) slept with practically every girl that will be there.


Also understandable.



> So the gf and I planned for pizza and drinks this evening instead (were good friends). Now I am getting blamed by my brother and sister in law for the party being cancelled. My sister in law said we should have gone and "acted like adults".


Tell her to let her husband screw one of the women at the party, and then she can have an opinion on how you should act and feel. Maybe one of the men at the party can just punch her in the nose and she can demonstrate how she can be an adult and just let it go and have a good time.



> Now since the cousin in law and his gf are coming over tonight, I am also getting blamed for being the reason they are not going to the dinner.


Wow! You are quite a powerful person. One word from you and a dozen people immediately reschedule their plans. I hope you plan on using your powers for good rather than evil.



> All I did was tell the host why I wasnt going and it caused all of this. Was I wrong?


Nope.



> My sister in law said I should have made an another "excuse" to not go. I told her it wasnt an excuse and why would I lie about the reason I wasnt going?


If your husband's affair isn't a secret, then why pretend like it is? You are responsible for yourself. Other adults are responsible for themselves. If your sister-in-law thinks that you can command a dozen other people at your beck and call, then I would simply tell her that she's wrong.

This is one of the consequences of affairs within a social group. The social group is fractured. You can't hang out with this woman anymore. And the social group will have to acknowledge that. Usually, folks pick sides and one party is ostracized. That's not your fault.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ano said:


> A mutual friend was having a small party, about 15-20 or so people. The woman my husband broke up and walked away from his family for will will be there.
> 
> Would you go?
> 
> ...


You sister in law is being very insensitive about this. 
YOU didn't cause any of this. Of course you would be uncomfortable being around her...sort of natural.

I wouldn't go either.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Gong to a party where the OW will be...*



SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm confused!
> 
> 2nd sentence: Husband walked away from you all.
> 7th sentence: Your husband and you were not invited to the re-scheduled party at the restaurant. Same husband and reconciled, or new husband? If new husband, how long since you and first husband split?
> ...


Same husband and it happened a little over 2 years ago. 

And thanks! My husband and myself believe that I said nothing wrong. These hosts are apparently very sensitive


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't understand why you still have the same circle of friends as the OW? 

Did you have your husband write a no contact letter or agreement?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Good lord, some people need to get their heads out of their you-know-what. OF COURSE you did the right thing here! Those hosts need a kick in the pants for doing what they did, and I would be finding new friends ASAP.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Gong to a party where the OW will be...*



PHTlump said:


> Nope.
> 
> 
> Also understandable.
> ...


Wow! I hadnt realized how powerful I was! Lol

My sister in law is one of those always complaining, jealous of other peoples lives type of a person. 

My husband made a good point. I told him that my BIL and SIL should be sticking up for family. He simply said that "she isn't family" and in regards to his brother, he said he just doesn't understand cause he's never been through this. 

It doesn't bother me that the hosts didnt invite us to the dinner but it does bother me that my brother in law is blaming me for all of this. He is really a nice guy and a level headed person so its crappy that he feels what I said was wrong and this is all my fault.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ano said:


> A mutual friend was having a small party, about 15-20 or so people. The woman my husband broke up and walked away from his family for will will be there.
> 
> Would you go?
> 
> ...


Ano, I had almost this exact situation come up, but it ended better (not without drama though). My WW's friend (girl) was having a housewarming party at her cool new place. This party host is casual friends with my WW's OM also. I wasn't explicitly invited. I asked my W if I could go because i know this person and wanted to see her loft.

Well, my wife's friend had already invited the OM. When she found out I was interested in coming, she called the OM and disinvited him, telling him I was coming. This caused a brief spat between my WW and her friend.

I ended up going, he didn't, and we had a great time. But for awhile there it was a bit rough. My issue (and this might apply to you as well?) was that until I said I wanted to go, my W, her friend, and the OM, were going to have no problem with my not coming and the OM being there. My W knows she is to not have contact with him, under any circumstances. So part of me felt like I foiled their plan to see each other there. Something we dealt with in counseling.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Don't worry about it, sounds like your BIL is listening to his stupid be-yotch wife!

YOU think she's bad....he has to LIVE with her!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were right not to go. You can't control what they say. Ignore them.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ano said:


> ... These hosts are apparently very sensitive


Unfortunately not when it comes to your feelings. You sure they are "your" friends?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

PS: You and husband DEFINITELY need a NEW CIRCLE OF FRIENDS!


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Gong to a party where the OW will be...*



tulsy said:


> Unfortunately not when it comes to your feelings. You sure they are "your" friends?


Apparently not! They were actually my husbands friends and the only reason they met the OW is because he brought her around them when he left me. Apparently the wife host and this OW became good friends.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Um, your husband should have blown up these friendships THE INSTANT you decided not to knock his head off for cheating and try R.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Gong to a party where the OW will be...*



Hope1964 said:


> Um, your husband should have blown up these friendships THE INSTANT you decided not to knock his head off for cheating and try R.


We dont see them often. They are just part of the group. The group consists of myself and my husband, my brother in law and his wife, my cousin in law and his gf, my step brother in law and them. Everyone is family except them. 

We all usually get together for football games, cruises, concerts and things like that. Its never been an issue before. They never used to invite the OW, but this time they did. 

These people are my brother in laws best friends so I cant exactly make them disappear.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well, you may have to if they are going to choose the OW over you.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Ano said:


> Apparently not! They were actually my husbands friends and the only reason they met the OW is because he brought her around them when he left me. Apparently the wife host and this OW became good friends.


WOW! Well, then they are definitely NOT your friends. If they are not friends of the marriage, they have to go.

What a mess! And NONE of it is your fault.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

If they bring it up again about you not going to the party, just tell them, "I didn't cancel the party. I only chose not to go and I didn't lie. If I tell you to rob a bank, and you won't. Can I blame you that you are the reason I am not rich?" Done.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

Why would you choose to spend your free time around OW? 

Would I go? No. The question is...why would you? For what possible benefit to you? It makes no sense for you to go.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Did the OW know this circle before she was involved with your H? If not, why was she even invited to come? Almost seems like something was done for spite.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ano said:


> These people are my brother in laws best friends so I cant exactly make them disappear.


Actually, for you and your husband, you can...as long as OW is still sniffing around, they can be empty space to you. Are your brother in law or any other relatives likely to invite OW over for any parties? If not, then just decline invitations to their parties as long as OW is invited. You can't control who anyone invites to a party, but you CAN choose with whom you will associate.

FYI: I'd have declined as well. And I likely would have given the reason in a snotty way "Cuz that skanky ho is gonna be there!"... But that's just me. 

Anyway, it doesn't matter if it's 1 month or 10 years after the fact. No contact means no contact. That means no going anywhere, when you know she's gonna be there. Your husband gets it? That's really all that matters.

Have fun with your pizza party!


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Ano said:


> A mutual friend was having a small party, about 15-20 or so people. The woman my husband broke up and walked away from his family for will will be there.
> 
> Would you go?
> 
> ...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Ano said:


> A mutual friend was having a small party, about 15-20 or so people. The woman my husband broke up and walked away from his family for will will be there.
> 
> Would you go?
> 
> ...


You were open and honest and did the right thing.

Enjoy the pizza!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You did the right and adult thing by saying no and honestly answering when asked.

The non adult thing would have been to go and take on the skank f2f at the party.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

*Re: Re: Gong to a party where the OW will be...*



committed4ever said:


> Did the OW know this circle before she was involved with your H? If not, why was she even invited to come? Almost seems like something was done for spite.


Nope! She has no ties whatsoever to any of them! She only met them after she started sleeping around on her fiance with him. And thats why my husband was ticked off about it. These "friends" basically chose her over us for the dinner. My husband said that at least he sees where their friendship stands.


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