# Husband with our "best family friend"



## FaithfulNY (Jan 3, 2014)

I'm a newbie here, have lurked for a bit and am hoping I can get some help here I'm unable to elsewhere. 

My husband and are unofficially separated, living apart. We have been married 9 years, together almost 11. We lived with his mother for the entirety of our relationship (for mutually beneficial reasons). We started working on our food business before we were even married, and continued to do so throughout our marriage to the point we had a retail storefront at the time of breakup. I married him because he always told me he truth, which is hard to find. He had been cheated on, his father cheated and left when he was young, and he had a hangup about me cheating, to the point where he was controlling about me having male friends. Trust and faithfulness was what our marriage was supposed to be based on, plus a creative field in common that we both enjoyed. We have a young daughter.

OW became friends with our family through his work. Before I met her, I suspected there was something "different" in the way he talked about her and I asked about it then 3-4 years ago). Answer "she's so cool, you'll love her". I trusted, and I did love her. So did my daughter. I found out recently she was in love with him from day one. At one point he and she were going to an out of town show while I stayed home w our daughter and I was worried enough to say "please don't f*** my husband". She pretended to be VERY offended. I had to apologize up and down. That was about 2 years ago. Now what's she doing?!?! Exactly that. Ugh.

Although we had been drifting apart due to communication issues that he refused multiple times to go to counseling for, I was still very committed to him, our child and our business. One week after he asked for a divorce I asked him what was a REALLY going on between him and OW after I checked out their incriminating Facebook messages (we knew each other's passwords). TUrns out they discovered they had been "in love" for at least a month and chose to keep it from me, to ostensibly PROTECT ME!!! I left the home with our daughter at that point, having no idea what was REALLY going on and for how long. My daughter and I stayed with family and friends until we found a new place to live, with no financial help from him. I've been trying to get him to come clean ever since, and have gotten snippets of info confirming they had "sleepovers" before I fully moved out of our home and not long after, the EA became a full fledged affair. STBX still thinks he's not cheating, justifies it because we were having problems, and has focused ALL of his attention on OW instead of dissolving our relationship/family and helping our daughter through this.

I am bitter....the loss of trust has been brutal. I want closure from him but don't think he's capable of admitting his wrongs, much less apologizing for how his/their actions have affected us. We were well known as a family in our community, I am humiliated, we are pitied all over town. They are seen together everywhere. I feel they could have/should have waited to do ANYTHING until at least our separation was sorted out, AT LEAST for our daughters sake!

I am in therapy and have scheduled my daughter for counseling as well. I have panic attacks almost daily about money and the enormity of dealing with so much change at once. I am having a hard time detaching from this relationship, but realize I really need to let it go. I don't want my daughter anywhere near the OW, I feel she built trust with me and my daughter under false pretenses and my daughter is expected to understand/blindly accept complex adult behavior that is antithetical to our value system. STBX has finally agreed to limit exposure to OW to once a month. I feel their behavior is setting my daughter up for a lifetime of trust issues in relationships.

It's still hard to believe that the man I married and his belief system have changed so thoroughly, I think I'm still in shock, even after 5 months. He thinks me, my daughter and the mistress will all "be able to be in the same room civilly" in the future. I don't see that happening. I trusted them both fully and look where we are now. It's hard not to feel stupid. But I won't get fooled again by them, I really hate them both now. I want to start this new year not thinking about him every day (I DONT want him back - it's DEFINITELY OVER), but after everything we went through, length of time together, my commitment to him and the growth of his career.....I feel like he owes me AT LEAST some closure!! 

How can I move forward? Trying my hardest to shift my focus to only my daughter, finding work and settling into our new lives, but every day is hard. I still wake up crying a lot. My whole life changed on a dime.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

From your description, it's very possible that this has been going on longer than you know. You have every right to not ever see this OW again and to ensure that your daughter isn't exposed to her, ever, when you are around.

Have you put the 180 in place? It will help you detach and find the strength to truly start over:

The Healing Heart: The 180

And always remember - you have nothing to feel humiliated about. The people around you aren't pitying you. They are disgusted by your WH and the OW.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Wow. She played both of you.

He is in the fog, "Hey, it'll be cool! Wife, mistress and daughter will be able to have dinner dates together and all will be well!"

He is living in Pinknfluffy Land if he believes that tripe!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She is no friend and your H is an idiot is he can't see that.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

1. Lawyer up. You may need a D attorney and a business attorney. The attorney I had did not handle bankruptcy, etc, and he recommended someone who was experienced in those things. You may need more then one attorney.
2. Get tested for STD's.
3. Get all your papers in order, business, banking, retirement, insurance, etc.

Sorry you are here.


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## damagedgoods1 (Nov 8, 2013)

FaithfulNY said:


> I feel like he owes me AT LEAST some closure!!
> 
> How can I move forward?


I'm sorry this happened to you.
I'm sorry to say this, but get closure by taking him to the cleaners with the best divorce attorney you can find.
Move forward with the divorce and be rid of him.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

As long as you appear "weak" to him, he will be confident that he can always come back and be accepted with open arms. 

You need to get a mindset that you deserve respect, honesty, and integrity from people you deal with. 

Get a lawyer immediately - see several - tell them that you are prepared to get a divorce (and mean it). 

Gather as much info as you can re the finances and be prepared to share that with the lawyer. 

Get working on the 180. It will help you to gather your wits and it may be the wakeup call he needs.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You need to seek legal advise immediately. Cease all contact except what is absolutely necessary for daughter, financial or legal matters. I know you are upset and rightfully so, but don't confuse emotion with business. This is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done, so you need to keep focus. Exercise can help you with the stress and plan fun things for just you and daughter to help keep both of you occupied.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

FNY,

First, without doubt... this EA/PA has been ongoing for a lot longer than he will admit to, probably years. The communication "issue" was just a symptom caused by his attention to the OW. His detachment from your marriage was his way of dealing with the conflict he created. 

Since you have decided it's over...

(1) Lawyer Up Now.
(2) Get control over your personal and business fiances. (1) again
(3) Remove yourself and your daughter from his life. Do not engage conversation with him... Phone, Email, Text. Only communicate in the pretense of your Lawyer. (1) again

Finally... I know you think that 11 years together, he will be accommodating, civil, will look at least your child together. He mind is wrapped up in Lust of another woman and could care less about you and your daughter. He already showed the world it is all about him. When the hammer drops and he see (they all do) the bleak outlook his life will take and little Missy OW runs on to her next conquest... He will come crawling back, tears, begging for mercy, promises... Be Strong, Stand your Ground. 

When he admitted the affair to you, He had his 2nd chance in hand, his one chance for mercy, to show remorse, a slim hope for forgiveness. He instead rejected you and daughter.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

He is not in a fog. He has likely had many affairs, if he will cheat with a friend. You likely never knew him.

You seem to be a strong woman. Youll be fine. You are showing your children what true self respect means. Take comfort in that.

And you will not get closure, because there is never a good reason to cheat.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You have received good advice about doing the 180 and getting a good lawyer.

I know you are going thru a rough time. Thank you for also getting counseling for your daughter. In your pain, you are watching out for her as well. 

I am impressed that you are helping her with this horrible experience. Good luck in the future and hope you get a fast divorce. Get him out of your life and your hair.


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

I am so very sorry you are going through this. Something very similar happened to me. Ex-husband and a colleague, went on for years. Became "best family friend". Both our families (she was married w/children, too) became so intertwined. I had the same gut feeling you had but was laughed off as being insanely jealous, anti-social… you name it.

Get out now, take the advice the good people here have offered above… I never knew about 180 or what to do, no internet back then. He will never change and never be at fault.

Best thing was I did finally get away and free. That woman did me a big favor. He wasn't for me, no man that would even be tempted to cheat is for me. I am very happy now and you can be, too! 

Best of luck.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

Sorry your here. You need to leave him. This has been ongoing for awhile for sure. I'd take the advice given above.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

look for a shark and file divorce, when he begin to realize the financial fall out he will begin to snap out from his fog.

also fight custody like a moma bear, you are in your right of not wanting your daugther being close to OW, file for allymoney anbd childsupport as high as possible.

put OW in cheaterville and share the link with family, friends and at her work, lets see if with all the drama she still think is worth messing othet peson marriage, buy a VAR and record every conversation with him and her.

exposure 1000% even with OW's family and friends (not mutual friends her friends and family) put a family picture of you your husband and daughter in the exposure mail you send to her family and friends and tell how she is breaking a family by persuing a married man for years.

people don't have emphaty for homewreckers, why should you?


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I feel for you.. ONE of the women I found out about my H with, was my good friend.. We had just gone on vacation together a few months before. 

They fooled around, in my house, on my couch, while my daughter and I slept down the hall.. 

She confessed to me.. And when I asked her point blank if it was the first time (I had gotten a weird feeling the last time she had stayed at our house, but thought, NO! Not them!) she couldn't or wouldn't say no.. 

I also found out about housemaids in Costa Rica, and trolling for girls in bars with his sleazy friends.. Then he hooked up with some skank and moved in with her all while trying to convince me that nothing happened and he wanted to save the marriage. 

He still won't admit it.. I don't think he can.. 

Just move on with your life. Mourn. And move on. He's not going to be honest, or good or trustworthy. B/c then, you wouldn't be in this situation.. 

I'm sorry.. It sucks.. And yes, my STBX, after having his skank come and hang out at my house, steal my stuff, and she even dictated texts to him in order to get into a "war of words" with me, thinks that I should be able to accept this piece of trash and try to get along.. He's delusional.. 

Hang in there. I'm sorry. It sucks.. but, just focus on your daughter. It's all we can do, right?


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Your situation sounds awful, I really feel for you. Usually once the affair has been outed, the affair loses some of its appeal, and that would hopefully give you some power to negotiate what you want and how you want things to land. Is this not happening at all?


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