# Which is worse???



## furreal (Nov 11, 2011)

Which is worse an EA or just a PA ? What do you guys reckon...:scratchhead:


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Stabbed our shot in the heart. The PA Carries more medical risk. They both destroy trust. Once you're taking about something as nasty as infidelity, what's worse can only be decided by the person being betrayed. Personally I think a ONS would have hurt me less than my wifes EA. Unless she got AIDS or pregnant...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

As a betrayed spouse, I would have to say both are equal. Both destroy trust.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

'Just' a PA?
They are both as bad. Both destroy trust and crush the BS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I would say use the search button to read about this a hundred times over. Betrayal is betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

for me it's PA that's worse. 

An EA is hard for me to define. The line when entering into an EA is very blurry. Repeated flirting, infatuation, flattery, close friendship - an EA is obviously much more than just these things but crossing from then into an EA is blurry.

An EA is largely in the mind. Most ACTIONS related to an EA are only disloyal through the larger context of the relationship. E.g. 
is it disloyal to confide is someone else? All relationships (even work relationships, family, etc) have a strong emotional element to them. To be an EA, most definitions require some level of emotional disconnection with partner in favor of the EA partner. this further complicates the concept of an EA.

Peoples' emotional connections with other people are very dynamic. You are more and less connected with people (including your partner) over time. Is there a concept of an EA one night stand? If you get emotionally 'too close' with someone when talking about a common experience of a tragedy or a work hardship, is this an EA?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

couple said:


> for me it's PA that's worse.
> 
> An EA is hard for me to define. The line when entering into an EA is very blurry. Repeated flirting, infatuation, flattery, close friendship - an EA is obviously much more than just these things but crossing from then into an EA is blurry.
> 
> ...


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

My 17 year marriage was almost destroyed by an EA within 6 weeks of it starting!
Even now, it's the emotional connection they had that haunts me, I barely think about the physical aspect. Emotional connections run deep and are hard to break.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I guess the guys have wrapped this up for you. EA is a PA with Sex. But the process of getting to the sexual part required a route though an EA. The betrayl is done once a party enters into this the sexualside as I see it is just the doting of the "I's" and crossing the "T's" . As stated earlier the PA brings with it potential health threats which the cheat does nothing to protect you from in the marjority of cases.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

You say it like it's either/or. Many are both physical AND emotional. The full blown thing. Knowing that your husband had sex with another woman AND told her that he loved her is very hard to deal with.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

What is 'worse' is in the eye of the beholder. The pain is real either way, but it's experienced differently as we all have different experiences.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Acoa said:


> What is 'worse' is in the eye of the beholder.


This is so very true, everyone is different.

For me I would make an effort to work through an EA and reconcile, as long as I don't have to fight every inch of the way. I'm not keen on being made a choice. A PA however is a deal breaker I could never recover from and would require an act of vengeance on my part. Psychologically for me, a physical betrayal would make her someone I could never be with again and would be a critical blow to my self esteem.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

For me, the PA’s were much worse... but that’s me and there’s a boat load of resentment triggered since I was in a nearly sexless marriage with her and believed her excuses as to why she didn’t like sex. Still bitter (and a shattered self-esteem) to understand it was specific to me.... 

And emotionally? She was a angry nag I tended to avoid and did not rely upon at all for any of my emotional needs since she treated me like garbage. The EA’s weren’t half as bad of a betrayal due to this feeling that she offers very little to me emotionally that was “lost”. 

She’s an SA... So there are varieties of EA’s (sexting, crushes, etc.) and PA’s (LTPA, ONS, Kissing only, etc.) I’ve had to deal with... Discovery dates were all spread out over a long time too.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Both are terrible.

The thought that my spouse stated "I love you" to another stays with me forever.

The thought that she had enough passion for the OM to have the sex with him is another nail.

Only in rare occassions can you have a PA without it being an EA, ie. ONS

Just my thoughts on the issue.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I have only experienced my H's EAs, they were all cyber,phone,text,chat ,game chat etc, anyway they could communicate and keep it hidden. And there was still sex, it was virtual, but the intent was there, the mind was there, it was sexting and those words are powerful , apparently.

There were "I love you"s and they worked very hard to keep doing it this time after her H found out (before me) and started up again after 8 months of no contact, so quite a draw there. That's what really hurts.

We had had such a good year, he was attentive, loving, fun again, but he was curious as to how she was doing and they started texting, talking,and ,eventually sexting again, after 8 months of no contact, for almost 5 months until I caught on. Now, back to square one. 
He says it will never happen again, has closed accounts, I have all passwords to the ones he still has (1 personal, 1 business) I have access to all phone bill records , but it's too soon to trust again, if I ever do

. Such a waste of time, it blew away the entire year for me when I thought everything was great, and his telling me it wasn't as intense as last time, that all along they knew they would never meet, does not help me at all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

When my old lady was going out and picking up some strange then that was one thing. But emotionally connecting with them was worse.

Out of all the OM's she emotionally connected with one...it didn't last cuz he sucked in bed.

From what I was told , " its hard to get emotionally connected when a guys sleeps with a married women"

So in my case, when my FWW was banging all this strange it sucked, the EA she had was bad....but the worse is the double betrayal....not having any emotional connection with my so called good friend and only used each other for sex!!!!!

Not very definitive in answering your question


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

PA is worse as it almost always is an EA too.

As I've posted elsewhere on here, I have been through both and the PA was orders of magnitude more painful than the EA.

Perhaps if she had come home and said she had had a ONS that might not have hurt as much as the 2 1/2 year EA I knew about before I knew it was a PA, but we are talking about how many angels can dance on the head of a pin on that one.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

an EA without a PA shows restraint. My view that the EA 'line' is very blurry. You can slip into an EA without really knowing it. If you catch yourself and work on getting the emotional closeness back with your spouse/partner I believe it is easier to recover than when the PA line has been crossed. In other words, the PA is a hard, definitive line.

I still do not fully get the concept of the EA. if you pull back from your spouse emotionally for whatever reason and start to confide in your brother or sister or same sex friend (with no sexual undertones) then what's the difference than if it were with a handsome guy or pretty woman at work or wherever? Our emotional closeness with our spouses varies over time and any voids at certain points in time are often filled by friends, family, and yes, affair partners. But when there is no PA and no declaration of romantic love to someone else, how do we define an EA?

What is an EA really?


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

"What is an EA really?"

An EA is when they become so obsessed with each other that they cannot stand not to be in contact. It seems that many here are thinking of EAs as local, maybe workplace infatuations or something. The internet has created many very strong EAs.

They bond through words they want to hear, attention from someone who is not there physically to give them that reality check. So, it is a very strong obsession. My DH said the first time he really didn't think he was doing anything wrong. That's what he said, but then, why was he hiding it? 

To me, I guess a PA would have been harder to deal with, but the EA was very painful as all the emotions are there, they tell each other all their feelings, a lot about how they are not happy at home, they boost each others egos which is a real draw, and then there are the "I love yous" They may not meet IRL but they have "done" it all, virtually. And sexting and sending nude pictures seals the deal.


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## Busy Accountant (Mar 15, 2013)

PA's and EA's both exist on a continuum of severity and heartache. I would have much preferred he used her body for pleasure a time or two than to have shared his soul with her for a year.

Please don't discount anyone's pain.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Busy Accountant said:


> PA's and EA's both exist on a continuum of severity and heartache. I would have much preferred he used her body for pleasure a time or two than to have shared his soul with her for a year.
> 
> Please don't discount anyone's pain.


Agreed, I could have worked past a ONS but my exs 1 1/2 year EA was soul crushing for me and my son. We watched her distance herself mentally, emotionally and just now physically.

The person she is now killed the wife and mother we knew all for a man she's has not seen in real life.

Yes EA's are just as damaging on some cases worse, particularly if they aren't consummated. Not getting that physical closure can exacerbate the level destruction to attain physical connection.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> This is so very true, everyone is different.
> 
> For me I would make an effort to work through an EA and reconcile, as long as I don't have to fight every inch of the way. I'm not keen on being made a choice. A PA however is a deal breaker I could never recover from and would require an act of vengeance on my part. Psychologically for me, a physical betrayal would make her someone I could never be with again and would be a critical blow to my self esteem.


That's the tough one. We are in Recon mode almost 1 month after Dday but the PA thing is doing my head in. Honestly I don't know whether I can do this - the humiliation is enormous. Then other days I feel neutral - not so bad. But this PA - once without protection mind you - has me in it's grip. Not to mention the numerous gropings in parking lots in broad daylight - something she accuses him of exaggerating!!! I don't want to be in this head space but will leaving cure the pain? The kids - it's hell pure and simple.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Both EA and PA are forms of betryals.
Why should one choose between devil and deep sea?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Horizon said:


> That's the tough one. We are in Recon mode almost 1 month after Dday but the PA thing is doing my head in. Honestly I don't know whether I can do this - the humiliation is enormous. Then other days I feel neutral - not so bad. But this PA - once without protection mind you - has me in it's grip. Not to mention the numerous gropings in parking lots in broad daylight - something she accuses him of exaggerating!!! I don't want to be in this head space but will leaving cure the pain? The kids - it's hell pure and simple.


I feel for your situation and I'm sorry that you have to be where you are. Thankfully, I haven't had to deal with that, however my position is grounded in knowing people who have. I know my personality well enough to realize that I would be going through the same emotions that you are, and then some. The unprotected physical affair would make her filthy to me, and I wouldn't be able to look at her again, much less live with her or sleep with her again. The only way I would be able to deal with it would be to unceremoniously eject her from my life and try to get even. Sounds childish, I know, but I know me and what I require. It's good for many WWs, that not every guy is like me.


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

furreal said:


> Which is worse an EA or just a PA ? What do you guys reckon...:scratchhead:


Depends on how deep the EA is? If you mean a few txt messages I could care less. If you mean thousands of messages every minute of everyday for 6 months then that's a issue.

As far as physical assuming you mean sex a ONS is the least damaging in my mind. Conversely a PA with emotions and time far worse.

All affairs are different imo. I could forgive a mild EA, a ONS, I could forgive a EA that had no chance of progressing like one country to another or thousands of miles away, 

**I COULD NOT FORGIVE A LONG LAST AFFAIR WITH EMOTIONS THOUGH**

That's how I see it.


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