# The end?



## love me not (Apr 16, 2010)

Hi,
This is my first time posting on this site. I'm here because my husband and I are considering separation. We got married less than a year ago, in July of 2009. At first everything was fun; we did a lot of exciting things together, saw our friends a lot, and were generally happy about the relationship. About last October it began to change... he got a new job, things became very stressful around the house, we got a dog which added a lot of responsibility.. The relationship grew increasingly stagnant, the sex took a serious turn for the worse, and the way we lived became very "automatic" and routine. I recently took a trip with a friend of mine, and kind of realized all of the things I had been missing. I used to be kind of a wild girl (not too crazy, just always having fun), I went to music shows, was really creative and hung out with friends a lot.. and the vacation I took reminded me so much of the good times I used to have when I was more independent. When I got home I realized just how bad the relationship with my husband was, and how depressed it has made me. 

In the past month he has been staying at friend's houses nearly every night, we argue nearly every time we see each other, and we haven't had sex at all. Last night we had a talk, and decided that he is going to move out, but we are going to see a marriage counselor. I'm willing to put in the effort, but I don't see a happy future in any of this. I don't love him anymore, and I do not desire him at all.

I feel like one of the main reasons I married him was because it seemed like the next logical thing to do. We have been together for 6 years now... living together for about 5. We have been through death of family members, serious trauma and other major life-changing events.. a few years ago we broke up for about 6 months for a similar reasons as listed above (relationship was boring, wanting to try new things). However we got back together because I missed him. I know I loved him when we got married, but maybe just not enough... 

I'm very confused and not really sure what to do. I'm in my mid 20's and feel like I have a lot of things I want to do with my life. He is very controlling, emotional and manipulative, and I feel like I have missed some important opportunities.. I want out, but I feel like that would be so pathetic so early on in the relationship. He is a really nice person who loves me a LOT, but there is just nothing there for me. 

I'm sorry this is so long-winded, and I would appreciate any advice.

Thank you.


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## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

Well, it is a good thing that you are going to see a counselor. That is always a good start. 
Does he not like doing the same things that you did? 
How come you stopped hanging out with your friends. Just because you are married does not mean you can't do stuff on your own. 
You said "He is very controlling, emotional and manipulative" How so?
What kind of opportunities have you missed on?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

You both had something very real and tangible once. You both let it slip away but you two can always get it back. Your doing the right thing by going to a counselor. To make it work you both need to want it to. 

You don't seem happy but you need to figure out the reasons why your not and work on making those things better. Heck put the dog up for adoption !


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he can work on his control issues--which counseling should address--then you could have the "fun him" without the "controlling him." He will need to be capable of and willing to change. Control issues are usually related to anxiety, so bring up these things so that can get talked through.

You are doing the right thing b/c running away without trying to fix it could lead to a life time of running away, and some really good things, like happy kids, only come with a lot of time and effort. Give it your best; if the feelings don't come back in whatever amount of time you can wait, then you move on, knowing you tried. But really try first.


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