# Should I staoy or should I go?



## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Hi all,

I'm not really sure how to start, but from reading other posts I'm certain I'm in the right place. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice, sympathy, or what at this point, but I cannot turn to family or friends anymore, since all the advice I get from them is biased.

My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for a year and a half now. Starting in August, things seemed to take a turn for the worst, and my wife asked me to move out. At first she said she wanted to divorce, then a few days later changed her mind and wanted a "trial separation." The separation itself opened up a whole new set of wounds for myself, ranging from dealing with her telling me she does not love me, to finding out she was posting the details of our separation on Facebook. I was very upset with this, but I took it in stride and continued to try and work things out. After a month, we went out to dinner and she asked me to come back home.

We proceeded to work on things, and for the first 2 months we actually got along great, but she eventually seemed to give up again. She started going out every chance she got, wouldn't tell me where she was going, wouldn't hug me or kiss me, or initiate anything romantic, wouldn't go anywhere with more, or invite me places with her. I later learned that all her friends had also turned on me, and would invite her places and purposely not include me. It got to a point where I was spending more time at home, eating dinner by myself, than with my wife. Just being around her, I knew she was not herself

On top of it all, we also had a year filled with catastrophe after catastrophe, ranging from her best friend's baby passing away, her father losing his job, my brother becoming addicted to narcotics, our home flooding 3 times, having to move 2x in a year because of the floods, etc. It was during our last move, last week in fact, that everything seemed to come to a boiling point.

I had managed to get some friends and my parents together to help us move everything out on a Thursday evening when I got out of work. When I told her this, she proceeded to tell me that she was going out drinking with her friends. I became upset, said a few harsh words about her being inconsiderate and self-centered. My family and friends were insulted by her not helping, and decided to leave after helping me for an hour. My wife eventually came home, helped me for about 45 minutes, than left to go out anyways, leaving me to deal with the mess. The next night we had plans to go to a movie with some friends that were leaving to go out of state for a few months, but she was "too tired to go," so I canceled. She immediately got up and went to a her friends. The next morning, I got up and had a few things left at the old apartment that I wanted to get moved. I nicely asked her 3 different times to please give me a hand, since she was just sitting on the couch watching TV. I didn't think it was a big deal. The response I got was "Its your crap, you do it." What could have taken me 10 minutes to finish with her help ended up taking over an hour, making several trips.

I won't lie and say that I was happy or friendly about the situation, and after eating diner in silence I confronted her, asking her what was going on with her, why she never wanted to do anything with me, and basically was completely cold towards me. I was pretty sure I already knew the answer, but it didn't make it hurt any less. She told me that she had basically given up 6 months ago, no longer was in love with me, and wanted a divorce. She also said that she could not afford the lease on her own, and wanted me to stay. I suggested counseling, which she said no to. All she could offer me was her friendship.

Since I've gone on quite a ramble here, I'll try to wrap it up. Basically, for the last week, I have been living on my couch. She's said she is 100% certain she wants a divorce, but agreed to go to counseling "if it would make the divorce easier on me." But she also has said that if she could love me, or make things work, that it would be great.

I'm skipping a lot of details here, but basically, as of right now, I'm still living with her in our apartment. She stopped wearing her wedding ring, and has told me she wants to work on being friends, but that she wants a divorce. I have yet to take mine off, nor do I really want to. To me, after so much time together, it seems silly to throw everything away without even knowing what or why we ended up this way.

So I guess I'm curious, what do I do? I scheduled a counseling session for us, but its not for another month. Do I stay in the apartment, or should I go stay with friends for awhile? Should I try to be friends, or do I just give her space? Should I proceed with the counseling, or is it just a mistake if she's really not into it?

Please, I'm quite confused and very, very hurt. I'm not a very strong guy, and this entire situation is devastating. I'm open to any and all help


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

this doesn't sound like a good situation for you or her right now....
I feel bad for you that things didn't change when you returned home...If you want to save this marriage you have to give her time to fall in love with you again, don't worry about what she does only what you do right now......you won't get the reaction you want from her but just be the best you you can be for now and she will eventually see you as the great person she married.....
Try to figure out what was missing for her and there were things and start to fix that problem, you will see that she will eventually change her attitude towards you.
It will take a lot of time with no expectations for her to react the way you think she should.
So what the you are living like roomates and friends, it's a good place to start and build on....
Go to counseling yourself and work on you.......maybe after a while she will actually want to join you.....but don't push anything at this point.......I would stay for now, better chance of connecting living in the same house, this will be a tough road for you but you say you are a strong guy, don't get mad anymore, that's called love busting her, you and your home need to be her safe haven.....where she wants to be..........good luck


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

So your wife is selfish and she is no longer "in love" with you and can't move because of money and she wants a divorce.

You react by...sleeping on the couch and wander if YOU should move.

I say, it's time to develop some boundaries and schedule the counseling appointment for yourself. 

1)If she wants out-tell her she needs to leave.
2)Don't help her.
3)Give her space.
4)Work on yourself (counseling/appearance/self help books/support groups/church etc.
5)Don't allow yourself to be walked on by a inconsiderate person. You are stronger than you think...you just don't know it! 

Keep coming here to vent. Let it out. You know your situation best but many of us have been around a few times and can/want to help!!


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

Corpus is DEAD ON!!!

it is a very tough situation...for those of us that have been around going up and down, and swinging at times with moodswings...im sure there are some things we would do different if we had known...

DO NOT GIVE UP...your home, vehicle, children money...anything...if she wants a divorce, let her live as if she is divorced, with NO strings attached to you!
let her see how much work it takes to keep the grass on the other side greener...without help from you!

sorry is this sounds harsh...i speak from experience, and im sure some frustration! lol


welcome to the boards! sorry that you have to be here, but you will be surprised at all of the wonderful people and all of the wise advice!


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks for the warm welcome! Its definitely a rough situation to find myself in...again. 

I agree that the smart thing for me to do would be to tell her to get out, but it really won't create any hardships for her. She is fortunate enough that her family lives close by, so she won't have to go through all the trouble of finding a new place to live, plus all her friends live in that same area...the ones that seemingly hate me and have a lot more influence on her than I apparently do. And, honestly, I don't really care if I keep the apartment or not. I'm able to afford it on my own, although it would be difficult for a few months. Fortunately there are no kids involved, and we've always kept most of our bills and finances separate. Which, in hindsight, should have been a huge red flag for me. Oddly enough, other than fixing my marriage, my biggest concern is for the pets. For all I care, she can have everything, I just want my animals. 

It feels like a no win situation for me at this point. I'm really of two minds about everything, and everything you all have told me makes sense. I know that I need to set boundaries, but I'm sort of stuck on the hope that being in the same apartment together would give us a chance to reconnect. But being in the same apartment with her is breaking my heart, and everyday I get to see how easy it is for her to brush me and our life together off. I'm almost envious of her ability to just shut everything off and out. I just wish she would really give me a reason to get mad at her and make this a lot easier on me...

I decided to not return to the apartment last night, and stayed at a friends. I figured a night away to clear my head would do me some good, and now I am dreading having to return home after work this evening. I could time it so I'm home long enough to feed my pets and be out again before she returns, but I feel like I am just letting her take advantage of me. I KNOW I'm letting her take advantage of me, but how do I turn my back on someone that I consider my best friend? I've always been one that "gives until it hurts," and I always try to avoid conflict at all costs. I know that in this situation its inevitable, and I really want everything to work out for the best. Although she has said all those cruel things to me, I still want to believe that she loves me, and the W I met all those years back is still in there somewhere. I read yesterday to "only believe 50% of what you see and none of what you hear." I'm not sure how true of a statement this is, but I'd like to believe it...

But I think I need to make it through the next 2 weeks, and its going to be really tough. This will be the first V-day I spend alone, and I'm not sure what to do with myself yet. I've already vowed to to only get her a card, but I have already bought us tickets to a show the following week. I made hotel reservations for us that night, as a little surprise, but am seriously considering canceling that as well. Do I wait out the week and see if we can get along well enough to try and go to the show together, or should I just bring a friend along?

Sorry for such a long post again, I really appreciate the support!


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

You sound like a very smart guy and I believe you deserve someone better.

Taking it from your wife's end, I believe, there was a reason she became unhappy. Most of the time it is about two things -- failure of the husband to provide financial stability and failure to fill the void of emotional insecurity. 

Talk things over with her. If it would not work, I suggest, walk out now than later.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

So I decided to stop by the apartment this morning to take care of a few odds and ends, make sure the animals were fed, and get myself cleaned up to face another day. The W was gone, but a note was on the table saying "Gone out for the night, the apartments yours for the evening." 

I also just found out that my grandfather was rushed to the hospital this morning, apparently his pancreatic cancer has returned with a vengeance.  I called the W and left a voice message, but I have yet to hear back from her. Its frustrating me, because I really want to talk with her, but I am forcing myself to follow the rules I read on on of the other members posts. No excessive calls or texts, no begging, pleading...I've pretty much withdrawn myself from her as much as I can. 

It's been really hard, but I'm lucky I have some great friends that are looking out for me. I'd like to ask her to dinner tomorrow for V-day, but I can have a gut feeling that if she agreed, which I am fairly certain she would not, it would be an evening of awkward silence and forced small talk. I'd like to think that something good would come from it, but I know I am only building myself up on false hope...

For the first time I am actually starting to consider removing my wedding band. Its been giving me a false sense of comfort, and I'm wondering if it would help me to cope to actually look at myself as a single man again, or if I am just being overly emotional and letting my pain rule my thoughts. I never thought that removing a piece of jewelry could ever be so difficult. At times I've been so angry and hurt that I just want to scream at her "If you don't want to be with me, or try to work on things with me, than give me the rings and I'll sell them. We can take that money and break lease, and move on!" A bit dramatic, I know...and what purpose would it serve? After that, any and all chances of reconciliation would have been thrown out the window. 

So far, this hardest lesson for me has been to just step back, look at the big picture, and shut up! I've always known that I let my emotions rule me, and over the years the W and I both have learned each others weaknesses, and we target those in an argument. There is no shot to wound, every shot taken is an intended kill shot. How do 2 people that spent most of there time referring to each other as "Beautiful, perfect, my angel, my prince, etc" get to a point where they just try to tear each other down? Its truly perplexing.

I'm sorry that my posts are the equivalent to novels...I'm finding that the more I write, the better I feel. Writing has always been one of my passions, and I find I can be more open and honest with myself when I write. Each post takes a little weight off my heart, and each reply gives me a little more hope, and a little more strength. If I get the things I want to say off my chest here, it keeps me from blowing up at the situation. 

I've always been a bit afraid of life and of other people, and I find it a bit odd that right now I am finding much needed solace in the company of strangers. Its always a pleasant surprise to realize that a lot of my fears are unfounded, and that there are more kind hearted and loving people out there then I ever imagined.

I never thought I could feel so much pain, yet be so happy with myself as a whole. Instead of living life for her, I am having to do it for myself. Am I looking forward to rebuilding my life? Yes. Am I looking forward to doing so without her? No. But, as long as I know that I will survive, my world is not ending, and in the end I will be a better, stronger man, than I think that everything I have to endure is worth it. I don't want to rely or depend on anyone but myself...

I hope that everyone out there has a good V-day! If you can't be with the one you love this year, then love yourself!


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

V-day wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it has going to be. I came home to an empty apartment, which bummed me out. All my friends were with their significant others, so to pass some time, I decided to try something I've never done before...cook!

As I came home from the store, the W was in the apartment. She told me she had dinner plans, and I told her the same. She thanked me for the card I left her on the table, then we both sat on the coach for 4 hours watching movies. No tension, no forced small talk, just sat there, laughed, and talked. Its was tough, but I tried to be the best me I knew how. I was hoping for a miracle, on of those dramatic Hollywood style endings where everything magically turns out all right, and everyone lives happily ever after in there little A frame houses and white picket fences. Of course it didn't happen, but I still feel like I had a minor victory. She appeared to be second guessing herself, and she actually showed emotion.

Now I don't know how to proceed. I might be fooling myself into thinking that progress is being made, and I don't want to sabotage myself. How do I step back and distance myself, yet still show her that the man she fell for all those years ago is still here? 

We eventually started talking about us, what has going to happen, who got what. I told her that I loved her, I understood why she wanted to walk away, why I did not want things to end, and tried to focus the talk on her, on what she wanted, and how she was feeling. She actually cried a few times, which is something she never does. For the first time in days, I felt almost good about the situation. She left shortly after our talk


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## Ash22 (Oct 21, 2009)

Cgreene21 said:


> Now I don't know how to proceed. I might be fooling myself into thinking that progress is being made, and I don't want to sabotage myself. How do I step back and distance myself, yet still show her that the man she fell for all those years ago is still here?


Keep doing what you were doing that night. It was a step, but only b/c it was not forced. Well, I know you were probably forcing yourself to keep some emotions in check, but not forced as in you kinda just let the situation of that night unfold in front of you.

Try something new again! You may not even notice it but when you were trying something new (cooking) you were stimulating your brain in a new way, and that has a way of relaxing you. Keep yourself focused by constantly working out your angers and frustrations in postive new ways. Who knows you may be the next Iron Chef!!


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

Thanks Ash, I've been just letting the evenings pass and we have moments where we can laugh, goof around, and poke fun at each other. I actually came home from work yesterday to her preparing dinner for us. I don't want to read to much into it, but it feels like things between us might be getting better.


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

So yesterday was not a good day. My emotions were running rampant, but I somehow managed to not call the W. I did cook her a homemade dinner the night before, which she seemed to appreciate...since I have never, ever cooked an actual meal that doesn't involve a microwave. We didn't discuss us at all.

So know we are going to a concert together tomorrow evening...I could use some advice on how to proceed and basically behave. I want to make sure we have a good time, and that none of the tension creeps back in...any ideas?


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I'm really confused and really need some advice. At this point I'm wishing I had left when this all went down. The W and are are still in the apartment together, and I really was under the impression that things were getting better between us. We went to the concert and spent some time at a casino Saturday. We had a lot of fun, came home and watched a few movies. A few times I thought she was trying to flirt with me, and even gave me a look that she used to give me when she wanted a kiss...I even thought at one point she was playing footsie with me. I didn't push the issue, but I half expected her to invite me back to bed, not for intimacy but to cuddle. 

The next day we both had thing to do, but when I came home she had started dinner and we just spent time together and watched another movie. But while I was doing laundry I caught her staring at me, and when I looked at her she made a "kiss face" at me, then quickly tried to cover it by making bubbling noises with her lips.

Her mother's birthday was Monday, so she had stayed with her parents for a few days. To be nice, I thought I'd make a nice dinner and clean the place up a bit. Unfortunately, while I was at work, someone planted the idea that she was having in affair in my head...and I couldn't shake it! I ended up leaving early to avoid a panic attack, came home, and started cooking.

This is where I blew it. I've been struggling for two weeks to keep my emotions under raps, hoping she would talk to me first. It never happened, and with the way I had felt from today, I had to talk to her. So, like a fool, I asked her if she was seeing someone else. She told me no, she wasn't. This led into a long discussion, where she basically reiterated what she had said before, and added that she didn't need to go to counseling to know how she feels, and that she is only being nice to spare my feelings, and the kiss faces and pet name slips where just that, nothing more than a force of habit. Hearing this broke my heart, so I left the room to regain my composure and salvage dinner. 

We ate in silence, and afterward I asked her if she wanted to continue to talk. She said she had nothing more to say, that she told me all she had to say when this first started, and she still felt that way. I aid that if she had no intention on even slightly attempting to fix things, then there was no reason for me to continue to live there. She didn't argue, but started giving me reasons why it would be more convenient for us both to stay.

We ended up agreeing that I would continue to stay here until the lease is up if she agreed to go to counseling with me every two weeks. I love my W with all my heart, but this is proving to be a lot harder then I ever imagined. I'm at a point now where I really don't want to be here, and that every time things start to get a little better I jump the gun and sabotage it...but my gut is telling me to stick it out.

So what do I do now? Did I do the right thing with agreeing to stay, or did I love bust her into agreeing? Was I wrong to confront her about an affair? Am I crazy for being so concerned about her when she seemingly could care less about me? Should I go back to trying to remain distant and happy, or is it to late? Did I just put the final nail in my coffin, or is this something we can bounce back from? Am I wrong that I feel a bit used here? I feel like I should be mad at her for doing this to me, but I keep trying to shift the blame onto anything but her. 

I know that I need counseling, and I intend to go no matter what, but is it wrong of me too try to get her to see that its going to benefit us? Even if we can't stay married, I'd hope it would at least provide some closure and answers to everything. All and all, even if she isn't my W, she's been a huge part in my life and I don't want to lose that. Good friends are hard to come by, and I owe a lot of my success to the fact that I wanted to give her a better life. Without that, I'd probably still be flunking out of college.

I'm sorry, I had to get that off my chest. I'm really confused, and I don't want to misread anything or assume anything anymore. I don't think I can take to much more disappointment or heartbreak.

Anyone that can shed shed some light on whats going on, please do.


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