# Would you divorce?



## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

-- Married for 17 years, 2 kids
-- 15 months ago wife admitted she does not love me anymore
-- No affection, no intimacy, not a kiss was shared since
-- She is happy to stay in this "roommate marriage" and does not want to change anything
:scratchhead:


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## tucdoc (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm in a similar situation, although I've been dealing with this for only 4 months. See if you find the advise that I've give on my thread "wife has given up" helpful. In my case my wife's emotional affair is complicating the situation.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Wow!!..my wife told me the exact same thing on April 3rd (I'm not in love with you, etc.), was told by several posters here that she was in an EA/PA, we were married 17 yrs, 2 girls, so I didn't believe it, but sure enough..EA!!..anyway, she decided she didn't want to stay in a marriage void of intimacyor passion, and the more I confronted her on the EA the quicker she wanted out, she left end of 15th of April,and after going through all the emotions (mostly very bad), I discovered how much more happy I am now that we are apart (took 3 mos), I had been hoping for reconcilliation, only because of the kids, but thought and knew that neither one of us would ever (at least me) be happy together, I have dated a few, she actually called one of them (not sure what that meant, but we are headed for divorce, all I can say is, look at what might happen if you split apart as compared to being miserable together..sounds like she just doesn't want to leave her comfort zone, so you need to make her leave for your sanity IMO.


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## tucdoc (Jul 29, 2010)

There may be a mental issue with my wife, with her having lost her mom and brother 5+ years ago, and possible having some depression for which she refuses to be seen by a professional or take meds. I suspect she also has an anxiety issues since she feels her heart racing when we try to talk about issues, even though her pulse is regular. I'm holding out hope (I've read some of your posts) that the problems in our marriage could be improved if she agreed to seek therapy.


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Have you tried counseling? If so, did she go?

I have a similar situation. I pushed the issue with my wife. I found a book called "Sex Starved Marriage - A Couple's Guide...". I gave it to my wife and told her that a sexless marriage was unacceptable and that we needed to fix it or else. She started reading the book and has realized that the state of our marriage was not right. I've been to one counseling session. I'm waiting for my wife to go to one by herself and then we are to go together. In the meantime, we have become intimate again. It can get turned around.


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## tucdoc (Jul 29, 2010)

She's says its me, I'm the reason she's not sleeping well and that I'm causing her facial wrinkles. She was complaining about it this morning and I had suggested she go to one of the wellness clinics in town. Before I would have been defensive and explained that she is also part of the problem. Now I just explain that I'm seeing somebody (therapist) and that it would help if she sought care also.


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

2Daughters said:


> ... I didn't believe it, but sure enough..EA!!..anyway, she decided she didn't want to stay in a marriage void of intimacy or passion


There is no EA/PA. But she does not have problem staying in a roommate marriage.


tucdoc said:


> There may be a mental issue with my wife, with her having lost her mom and brother 5+ years ago, and possible having some depression for which she refuses to be seen by a professional or take meds. I suspect she also has an anxiety issues since she feels her heart racing when we try to talk about issues, even though her pulse is regular.


There is no anxiety or depression, she feels happy, have hobbies etc., (no friends though). But this might be a mental problem: delusion. She says that she loves God and therefore cannot love husband or any other man. (So, in a sense, this is an EA. (On the other hand, isn’t love delusion?) 


tucdoc said:


> I'm holding out hope (I've read some of your posts) that the problems in our marriage could be improved if she agreed to seek therapy.


She refuses to seek any (relations or mental) counselling/therapy, does not want to change, happy the way she is and things are. 
I have lost any hope (it's 15 month). 


tucdoc said:


> She's says its me...


My wife says its her...


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## sara nightingale (Aug 11, 2010)

Do you want to start fresh? All over again? Are you okay with brotherly/sisterly comfort in your marriage? Picture starting fresh...are you up for it?


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

sara nightingale said:


> Do you want to start fresh? All over again? Are you okay with brotherly/sisterly comfort in your marriage? Picture starting fresh...are you up for it?


Comfort??? I would call this pain. And I'm not sure how much longer could I stand it. 
Brotherly/sisterly relations with my wife? Maybe, but not under one roof.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

In her specific case, would it be more helpful to sit down with her pastor and sort this out? I think, mind you I am not really too religious, that she might be taking things a little too......literally. Maybe a few meetings with him can help her see that? Or has that already been tried??


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## Muse (Aug 10, 2010)

Wow...I'm so glad I stumbled onto this thread. I honestly didn't realize that there were others out there that were in the same marrital situation as I am. My husband and I have a "roommate marriage" with "brotherly/sisterly" relations. We still have sex , but it's rare, and void of any affection. It's mostly based on physical needs than anything else. 

I'm currently a big believer that if one member of a marriage is unhappy and wants out, then the other member should just let them go and wish them well. As hard as it is to do.....I just don't see the point in fighting with someone and trying to "convince" them to love you again. A person has to come to love you on their own.....if they don't then it's not true love....it's forced love IMO.


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

DawnD said:


> In her specific case, would it be more helpful to sit down with her pastor and sort this out?...


She is her own pastor. She does not believe in formal church (never went to church, was an atheist until few years ago) and thinks she has direct connection with God...
BTW, I suggested her to join a monastery, but she did not like this idea.


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## ThinkTooMuch (Aug 6, 2010)

Quercus -

I am certain your wife is at least half psychotic, she reminds me of my ex-brother-in-law who had to be committed to a mental health institution in the '70s. Lithium and counselling seemed to help him function, he eventually became a minister, I have no idea if he and G-d still talk.

Lithium and many other drugs used to treat psychotics are tough on one's mind and body, many patients stop taking them and return to psychosis, the cycle can go on and on and on, and is very hard on the patient's family.

Personally unless you want to go through years of pain, I would get a divorce. Life is far too short and uncertain to live with a psychotic, roommate wife.


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

sara nightingale said:


> Are you okay with brotherly/sisterly comfort in your marriage?


Just curious, is there anyone who would be willing to settle for a roommate marriage? (like with a good roommate but nothing more)


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

txhunter54 said:


> Have you tried counseling? If so, did she go?


I mentioned that she refuses idea of any counselling. But I decided to go myself. I described the situation with our marriage. In short, counsellor agreed that this is not a healthy situation, and could not suggest any solution other than separation and divorce. I also mentioned that I suspect she has a mental condition. The response was that, even if this is a mental condition, if she is not willing to seek help I cannot do anything about it. 

About two weeks ago we had another conversation about our marriage, the topic she always tries to avoid to talk about. Anyway, I tried to put across that (i) a marriage without love, affection, sex (like ours) is broken and (ii) we have to either fix it or end it, and make her agree on these. She kind of agreed about the first (that she does not love me, and there is no marriage left), but on the other hand she sees her as a good wife, who does all the things good wife does (except loving her husband . Then she got an idea. She thought that my distress is because we still sleep in one bed, but there is no intimacy, and if she moved on the couch, everything will become OK. So, she moved to sleep in a living room. Did not make any difference for me, but I see tis as a first step towards separation.


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

OK, it's been her 2 weeks on the couch. This morning we had another talk about our marriage. I told her that this still does not work for me and we have to either repair our marriage or divorce. As always, she told that she does not love me and this is not going to change. If these are two options, then divorce, she said. But this time we talked about separation and divorced not as some hypothetical possibility, but in more specific terms. (We are in Australia; we have to be separated for a year to get a divorce.) She suggested that kids stay with her, but my suggestion was that kids stay with me on weekdays and wisit her on weekends. My argument was that she would not be able to take care of them on weekdays because of her work schedule. [I should mention that we are renting close to my work, my hours are flexible, and I am the one who manages kids’ morning routine. Also, I do all the communication with school, help with homework, take them to sports, doctors, etc.] She basically agreed and asked me to look for some apartment nearby for her. 

On the one hand this is at least some progress (I’m so sick and tires to stay in a marriage like this). On the other hand, heading to divorce feels so wrong! Is it a lose-lose situation? 

The other day my wife told that wanting a divorce is selfish on my part (considering its effect on kids; they are 10 and 16, by the way). Is it?


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## clean dave (Sep 5, 2010)

not sure what EA/PA is.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

EA/PA = emotional affair/physical affair

If she refuses to have sex with you, there is a lot more going on. I do worry she sounds a bit psychotic, if she really thinks God is talking to her. You need to investigate that b/c she can become dangerous, esp. to your kids. Not to alarm you--it maybe all be a ruse to keep from having to have sex with you. But religious delusions are common among the mentally ill. Document what she says and talk to a professional about whether your wife needs to be evaluated. Good luck. 

And no, I tried the roommate thing--I couldn't stand to have sex w/my ex anymore. I was close to cheating, so I ended the marriage. Doesn't work very well, in my experience!


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Document what she says and talk to a professional about whether your wife needs to be evaluated.


She refuses too seek any help. So, there is no way she can be evaluated.


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## quercus.robur (Aug 1, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> ... I ended the marriage...


Sisters359, I read your earlier posts.
At one point you were considering sharing a house and a one-bedroom apartment near the house with each of you going back and forth... Did it work out that way?


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