# desperate with husband who doesn't know if he wants me



## purple finch (Jan 27, 2012)

My first post, trying out this forum. My husband has been sleeping in the spare room for almost a year because he is not sure he wants our marriage. He is still trying to decide what he wants and if I am part of that or not. I am still in love with him, desire him, and will do anything to make this work. 


The reason he gives for not wanting me anymore is that he finds me not ambitious enough. We get along well, no fighting, we have two children still at home. I stay at home and take care of the house and he works full time. We agreed on this model when we got married, but he changed his mind about it after 14 years together. He is happy with me as a mother/home-maker etc. but says its not enough anymore. 

I am looking for work (I have never worked so it is not easy!). We don't particularly need the extra money, and he has said its not about the money...he wants me to pursue work with a passion and ambition because I want to. I honestly would only be doing it to make him happy and to have some extra money...I don't have great career aspirations at 47 yrs old. My great aspiration was having a happy/healthy family and being the best mother/wife I could be. This is not enough for him.

What can I do ?! 

He won't sleep with me. He is not unkind but he is not very warm towards me. He moved out for a couple of months but returned because he missed the kids and house. Life is comfortable for him here. It would be comfortable for me as well if I didn't love and desire him so much, I miss him terribly and I don't know if we will ever be really together again which is heart-breaking. My kids see me cry everyday. I never know when or if he is just going to decide its finally over. We tried counselling and he stopped, he said none of counsellors understand him. 

I don't want to ask him to leave. Its just painful living in a one sided love. 

Any advice?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My advice is to make a decision for him. He is essentially stringing you along. So you are doing all th eheavy lifting, trying to convince him to be and stay with you whil ehe, a year later, still doesn't know what he wants. That is pretty fvcked up.

Take the control back. Tell him "I am not interested in a one-sided love/marriage. Either you are in or you are out but I am not going to waste my life away anymore."

Either he steps up to the plate or he doesn't.

If he doesn't, you can continue to stay in this limbo if you want (where it's clear he doesn't love you as you love him) or you can move on with your life.

I am sorry for your pain. Your situation sounds truly awful. It's pretty evident he has no desire to make things work.

Definitely find a job soon and get some $ so you can support yourself. I would file for divorce if he is unwilling and file for child support and spousal support if applicable.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It's pretty bad if the kids are noticing your crying. I think you'd be best off doing something like Jellybeans suggested sooner rather than later.

Does he give a reason for not wanting to sleep with you?

Also, I'm thinking in my head that generally people see things in close partners that they don't like about themselves. Has he had things he's always wanted to do that aren't happening and he's given up on? Does he live life with a "I guess this is it" attitude? Could he be depressed?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you can't find work, maybe its time to think of going to college for a degree in something that interests you. Finding any ol job that will hire you will make you miserable. Perhaps you can find a hobby in the mean time to keep your mind occupied. Try to move on and stay strong! Pull a 180 on him and don't show any interest. Maybe he's looking for a challenge and right now your too available.

If your drive is high, invest in some toys. Bullets and rabbit vibrators work really well. I know they are not the same as your husband, but it will leave you less sexually frustrated. I like adamandeve.com, they will refund or exchange for any reason within 90 days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Sounds to me like he's having an affair.

Jellybeans is right. Don't sit around waiting for him to make the next move, he's not going to.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Easy answer. Get out now before he destroys you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I don't think he's being totally honest with you. Here's a few guesses at what's going on:

He's hoping you become more independent/ambitous so he can divorce you without feeling like he abandoning you and the children. He can't help his feelings about you but he does feel responsible for his family. 

He may not feel that you can currently take care of everything alone. 

He may have had an affair that failed and came back for comfort. 

He's may be concerned for the kids welfare which is why he came back to live in the bedroom. He knows your struggling and wants to be around to support the kids.

All of these are possible. You can't make someone love you but you can demand some honesty.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

A family friend came to me for advice yesterday saying this very same type thing. I simply said that it seems as if he is "testing her" trying to point the finger at the things he feel she is doing wrong. (another excuse to prolong and he did have an affair when he left the home) When I asked him what will make him happy and want his marriage, he talked about his future with her like it was all about business. He wants her to be more business minded and be able to freely go places. :scratchhead: Honestly it is like he doesn't even see her as a spouse, he just sees her as an opportunity to get what he wants business/success wise. 

I asked him if it was a can't live with her or without thing he said HELL NAW he just don't like her threatning him with child support. Which basically told me that is the biggest reason he has not just let it go. 

He made a comment about them having seperate bank accounts and he doens't want it seperate anymore. (It is not realistic if he wants her to just share her money with him so he can have access to her bank and pursue his business ideas that have all failed in the past) He said the house was in her name but he was paying the note. He ended up leaving her with the mortgage and they had a five year old son at the time. *Now to be fair, she was in the house and all about her child she had with him but very cold toward his two children from a previous marriage. His children from a previous marriage asked if they could call her mom and she said no call her by her name. *It just sounds as if they were both selfish and hurting each other but the kids were the ones suffering so he left with his two. He still has her waiting to see if he will completely come back to her. 

He can come around in her apartment (that she had to get by herself because she couldn't afford the house any longer)which sounds as if he has a key to it but she does not know he has a place. It is a case of always protecting himself and making sure self is covered but leaving her open and vulerable and waiting to see if he will come back to her.


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## Leaver (Jan 31, 2012)

I'd go to school. Nothing takes more ambition than mastering a new field of knowledge. Pick what you like, and study it. When you are done, you may find career opportunities. 

A friend of mine, his wife went to med school at 40, and worked as cancer pathologist for thirty years after that, and she loved her work. 

In other words, I see a win win situation here knocking on your door. You will be learning - a good example for your kids, and you will be developing ambition and oppertunities which will give you a leg to stand on if/when he leaves.


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## purple finch (Jan 27, 2012)

update: i showed him my post and he seemed moved by it. then later he read all the replies and that prompted him to decide to move out. he realized it wasn't fair to me to continue living in the house. having him home was certainly giving me hope that we could reconcile. i guess it was false hope, but i can't believe that yet. i struggle to believe or accept any of this. when i hear his voice i still hear love for me. when he comes by to see the kids i feel a huge connection with him. i feel we still enjoy each others company. i am sure he must feel some of this as well. we get along very well, we have wonderful children and a comfortable home...we could make such a great life together if only he could get past whatever this is in his mind that is blocking him from me. i don't know if he will still read here, i hope so, i think this is a great forum. 
i know i need to move on, he has caused me a year of grief, but he still has my heart. i don't know how to let go of hope that he will one day wake up. we belong together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Moving on is HARD. You just have to tell yourself that HE has chosen this. It was NOT your choice, therefore you should not feel bad for a decision he is making to not work on the marriage.

Please please protect yourself and your children. Get to a lawyer stat or apply for legal aid/fill out paperwork. Cause he could definitely clean out your accounts and leave you with NOTHING.

Start thinking practically. You should at minimum, file for child support so your kids are protected. STAT.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Where did he move to? I'm curious.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are you children now?

It seems that no matter what happens you would benefit from going to school. Surely your childredn are old enough now that you have time to develop an interest.

What. Types of things do you love to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can make it through this. Please see a lawyer right away to understand your rights and responsibilities in this situation. Don't let him "do unto you" - you need to take control of your life and do what is best for you.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

This is very strange. Only your husband knows the truth on this one.

I think your aspirations are very noble. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a great mother/wife. 

Your husband will realize what he has lost when it is to late. I think your husband is taking you for granted. The best thing for him right now is divorce papers, maybe this will wake him up.

Start taking charge! Do not wait for him.


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## purple finch (Jan 27, 2012)

i don't want a divorce, we always agreed we would never come to this. i don't understand his reasons now for coming to this. he has decided its over and moved into a basement room of some friends. i know there must be some other woman hiding in the wings, he has denied it but it seems so blatantly the obvious reason. why give up on a 14 yr marriage when we get along so well, have love for each other etc i am willing to adapt and grow (get qualifications find work etc) and work on US but he is not. i just don't get it. i know he is making a huge mistake but i cant protect him from himself. i know i need to move on. he is being very kind, he wants a amicable divorce he wants us to stay friends. i just wish he could access that caring and love and let us nurture it..i just don't think divorce is the solution. but it does take two. if you are reading this sweetie know that i have your best interests at heart, you have a family that needs and loves you and wants you full time here, if this is an awful midlife crisis please let it end and come back to us.


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello,

I may be able to shed some light on the situation. 

The problem you are experiencing is likely due to a very important desire in a relationship on the man's side that most people are not aware of o begin with unless they received training and that surfaces with time if other areas are in decent enough order. 

The area is the concept of *Partner* and here is a short description of it: 

Men naturally connect to one another by doing activities together, working or hobbies. It is very important for a man to feel that his woman is a partner to him in some activities. Possibilities include: a business, a career, hobbies, outings, sports etc… A man must respect the woman’s level of skill so that he will consider her a worthy partner in such activities. Also known as common interests.

This is a natural desire that most men have and is one of the 4 areas a woman needs to cover in a balanced relationship. Problems that arise from this are very confusing for the couple usually because they are both not aware of this need an when it surfaces it is likely not named as such. Your husband did not know he would feel this down the line and how frustrating it can become, neither did you as no one taught you this aspect of relationships. 

To improve the situation I would suggest the following:

Look closely at the description of partner above and see that it has a fairly broad coverage. He chose to express that he want's you to get a job but that is not the best description of his need.

He needs to see you passionate about something "man style". Something that has to do with skill and advancement and power. While you would be happy with the lovely family you built think outside the home. 

He needs to feel that you are developing your skills to a respectable level, that you are a helper in his activities and dreams and that you are following a goal in life related to your skills with great passion. 

That is why you must choose the activity carefully because you must find something you are genuinely passionate about that qualifies. One very good area to look is being a helper in your husbands initiatives. Does he have a business? Can you contribute to that? 

If he is an employee, can you contribute to his field with your skills somehow? 

If he has passionate hobbies, would you see yourself side by side with him doing those hobbies? 

Please take time to consider your options. If you feel that you need further advice pleas come back with a few options and we can discuss them.


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## Stir Crazy (Feb 10, 2012)

Perhaps I mis-read but you wrote that you are 47, have been married for 14 years and have never worked before getting married. Did you mean 37 but miswrote the number? 

If you are really 47 then what did you do before getting married at 33 years of age?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'll offer a different perspective. I don't know if he has someone else in the wings. Perhaps he does and you'll find out in time or perhaps he finds a stay at home mom not as desirable as he once did. 

I don't know if you've read the book His Needs, Her Needs. In the book, the author who is a marital counselor, talks about how for some people having a spouse who works outside the home is an important emotional need much like some others find sex, conversation or domestic support a valid emotional need. The need to have a spouse with a job goes both ways. Men want a woman who has her own job/career and women want men who have their own job or career. 

Why has your husband's opinion of you staying at home changed? 

Well people don't remain static, written in stone. We're all dynamic and our wants change over time. I know I'm not the same person I was in my 20s. In the book I mentioned the author talks about how as the years go by, having an unemployed, at home or underemployed spouse can make the working spouse unhappy and frustrated especially if there are children and an increase in expenses.


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