# Still in shock



## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

I am still in shock. I found out 10 months ago that my spouse had been having an affair for 3&1/2 years. I always thought we had a great relationship and was completely blown away. Needless to say it has been a rough road and is getting better, but the pain and betrayal are unbelievable.I love him, but the level and intensity in which I felt has changed. We are considering revewing our vows away out of town by ourselves. I cannot even think of what to say in my vows. We are in counseling and he say's he is willing to do whatever it takes to work this out. I believe him, but cannot see how someone that "love's" you can do this for 3 and a half years! Is there anyone else out there that has had a similar situation, and any idea's on how to cope with this nightmare?


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Of course you are still in shock! Your husband had an affair, not for 6 months, or 1 year, or 2 years ....his affair went on for 3 and half years!!!!!!!! 
You have every right to feel betrayed, feeling pain and in shock!!! And why would you want to renew your vows???? Are you kidding me? 
If I may ask, how did you find out about his affair? Do you have children?


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

I recieved an anonymous letter in the mail last March(the 15th to be exact) will never forget that day.....Almost dropped to my knees standing at the kitchen counter. By the time he got home from work 4 hours later, I had all the ammunition and proof I needed from cell phone bills, credit card bills, etc. It is a major long story, but she approached him at work and told him she would like to get together outside of work-she admitted this as well(trust me-I am in NO way defending what he did- he is just as responsible-of not more) Come to find out, she was also stringing along another guy, who she was living with unbeknownst to my husband, she had been telling him that she was considering "dating" this guy, in my opinion to make him desperate enough to leave me for her....Anyway, by the time he got home from work I knew where she lived, and with whom and drove my husband to this guys house, he had no idea was was going on, that I knew, etc. He told me in front of her that he told her he would never leave me, and that he loved me, but that our sex life was dead(which I will admit-it was- and it was primarly me-menopause, etc....still no excuse to do what he did)
I was so shocked because he has always treated me so good, affectionate, loving, tender, etc. I am so sad and disallusioned by all of this. It's not like I am some horrible person physically either, sure I would love to lose 10lbs etc, but still m considered quite attractive, I don't get it, she is actually ugly, but I am guessing she knew how to make it all about him.....I am still distraught.....


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

Yes, but not together. I have 3 kids ages 35-20, he has two kids age 25-22


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

Our counseler is convinced that SHE sent the letter. I completely agree, as she was living with this other guy-but he was not her first choice, she wanted my husband- and I think she was hoping I would kick him out etc, and then she could finally have him. She ws getting to a point where she had to s_ _ t or get off the pot, so she took a chance that her ploy would work. There are times, many times, I have felt like leaving, but I am going to try, he is completely transparent with me now, but it may be too late....I don't want to live a life where I feel like I need to "check up" on my husband, I want to be able to trust him, like I thought I could. Maybe I am just in denial. Clearly women and men are on completely different wavelengths. He told me he was actually relieved that it was exposed so that it would end. I'm not sure if I am relieved, or what....


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## DesperateHeart (Dec 20, 2011)

Don't go renewing your vows just yet. You should only do that when you really really mean and FEEL it.

I too honestly don't know if I'll recover from something like your situation (3 1/2 years!!!), but if you're willing to give it a go I'll be rooting for you as you try to reconcile. Just don't be afraid to say goodbye if it doesn't work out. You deserve better, whether it be with a reformed WS who truly loves you, or on your own but whole as a person.


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## Tap1214 (Aug 14, 2011)

Yes, Deserateheart is right. Don't go renewing your vows just yet. 
Take your time and stay strong. I will be praying for you...


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

flabberghasted said:


> Our counseler is convinced that SHE sent the letter. I completely agree, as she was living with this other guy-but he was not her first choice, she wanted my husband- and I think she was hoping I would kick him out etc, and then she could finally have him. She ws getting to a point where she had to s_ _ t or get off the pot, so she took a chance that her ploy would work. There are times, many times, I have felt like leaving, but I am going to try, he is completely transparent with me now, but it may be too late....I don't want to live a life where I feel like I need to "check up" on my husband, I want to be able to trust him, like I thought I could. Maybe I am just in denial. Clearly women and men are on completely different wavelengths. He told me he was actually relieved that it was exposed so that it would end. I'm not sure if I am relieved, or what....


First let me say how sorry I am that you have joined a club that no one wants to join. I am an older woman too. Our story is similar to yours. My H also told me that he was relieved that I found out about his A. I thought it was a$$ covering at first, but now I understand how that works. They don't think getting a little on the side will harm their M. The wife will never find out right? It's only sex, and they were "never going to leave you". They actually thought that it would make the marriage better. The OW does not share their view however, and starts pressuring or manipulating behind their backs.Oh what a tangled web we weave. It all comes back to bite them in the a$$, unfortunately it also destroys your world and everything you believed in and cherished in your marriage. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and the recovery time can be from 2 to 5 years. I also thought about renewing vows, I thought it would reestablish my claim sort of, but I'm glad that I waited. It would have sent the wrong message to him. Now I might be ready for that; it's been two years and things are a lot better. It may take you longer, because there is a 3 year + span for you to sort out and reclaim. In some ways it makes it easier if the OW is a dog. You can at least wonder what the hell he saw in her and come to the correct conclusion that it was in fact, just sex. My H's OW was younger then three of my children and is very pretty. She made me feel like the dog's dinner. He has had to work very hard to convince me to stay with him, but at last I am glad that I have. I hope that you come to the same place, if that is what will bring you happiness. Best of luck to you, if you have not gotten counseling perhaps you should think about doing it. Hugs


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

Oaksthorne: Thank you. He said as much to me that he did not think it would cause any harm, that it was only sex to him. One of my big stumbling blocks though is that 3&1/2 years is not just an affair, but a relationship. She was good, and a pro at the manipulating game though. I knew her, so she even used me as a victim in the games she played. Always telling him she knew he would never leave me and did not expect him to, that she understood, etc. All the while she is f _ _ king my husband, even telling him how bad she felt for me when my mom died, etc. Give me a break! I have never had an affair, but think I can speak with clarity, that from a womens perspective, she thought and hoped he would leave me, or that I would kick him out once she sent the anonymous letter due to desperation.
You are so correct that it destroy's your world, what you believed and cherished in your marriage, you hit the nail on the head. I do only occasionally now, find myself almost laughing about it, because she is "a dog" and realize he would not have left me, and it was clearly for sex. It is obviously a problem he has in needing someone to fawn all over him. We are in counseling, and I do believe it is better everyday. How long was your husband's affair?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

> He told me in front of her that he told her he would never leave me, and that he loved me, but that our sex life was dead(which I will admit-it was- and it was primarly me-menopause, etc....still no excuse to do what he did)


There is NEVER an excuse to cheat on ones spouse, but what are the two of you doing to resolve the sexless marriage issue?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How do you know the OW? Were you friends before all of this?

3 1/2 years is a long time to be having an affair.

Is the affair over???


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

flabberghasted said:


> Oaksthorne: Thank you. He said as much to me that he did not think it would cause any harm, that it was only sex to him. One of my big stumbling blocks though is that 3&1/2 years is not just an affair, but a relationship. She was good, and a pro at the manipulating game though. I knew her, so she even used me as a victim in the games she played. Always telling him she knew he would never leave me and did not expect him to, that she understood, etc. All the while she is f _ _ king my husband, even telling him how bad she felt for me when my mom died, etc. Give me a break! I have never had an affair, but think I can speak with clarity, that from a womens perspective, she thought and hoped he would leave me, or that I would kick him out once she sent the anonymous letter due to desperation.
> You are so correct that it destroy's your world, what you believed and cherished in your marriage, you hit the nail on the head. I do only occasionally now, find myself almost laughing about it, because she is "a dog" and realize he would not have left me, and it was clearly for sex.


You have got her number exactly. The things she told him and all her "compassion" for you was the lies and BS people like her tell affair partners to rope them in and to help them justify what they are doing.

It's no different from the slime ball guys who prey upon married women with talk about being a friend who will listen to their problems and worries - all without any expectations - yeah right! It's all just flattery and lies designed to get the defenses of the victim lowered so they can move in for the kill.


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

counseling, etc, we are working on it, the biggest problem with that now is, wow, you thought you weren't getting it enough before, now I find this out......it is just crazy! I totally agree with you, I would have much rather he come to me when she approached him initially to get together and told me he was considering it, if we did not get help.


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

No we were never friends, I just knew her through mutual friends, etc


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

Yes, she was extremely manipulating, I talked to her ex-husband and found out so many things, and lies and manipulations she had pulled not only on him(because he was still married to her a good portion of the three and a half year affair) but everyone, even her kids. My husband is an idiot, and obviously was not thinking with his head....
Yes the affair is over, he is completely transparent, not that he ever really had to hide anything from me in the first place because I trusted him 100% and he had ALOT of leeway. That has changed significantly, which troubles me, as I said, I don't want a relationship where he had to "check" in with me, etc. Quite upsetting, but what are you gonna do?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

flabberghasted said:


> , I would have much rather he come to me when she approached him initially to get together and told me he was considering it, if we did not get help.


That is the honorable way of doing it, sadly he chose the cowardly way, an affair. You talk with your spouse FIRST, request professional counseling, and if that fails then either learn to live with the issue or end the marriage.

There is a man in the 'Sex in marriage' forum who is divorcing his wife because she has refused all attempts to resolved their sexless marriage . Though painful, he is choosing to end the marriage with dignity and honor instead of in shameful disgrace.

There is NEVER, EVER an excuse for having an affair.


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

right, and how do I now deal with the intimacy issue dealing with the betrayal portion of this nightmare.....it is a struggle because I realize men and women are obviously different when it comes to the sex part, women=emotional, men=physical
So I feel like to him it is just a physical need, with me an emotional one and I feel absolutely battered in that department. I wish there was a quick fix, and I am realistic enough to know there is not, which is depressing.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have never understood the concept of renewing your vows. Your husband showed by his actions of having a 3 1/2 year affair that wedding vows mean absolutely nothing to him so why have him do it again? There is an old saying about the definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Good luck.


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## LoveLifeNow (Dec 28, 2011)

I am in the same situation. My husband is in a relationship with our neighbor that I thought was over last year. It has been 2 -3 yrs also. My thought is that it is not an AFFAIR but a relationship. She has all the info she needs to manipulate him and tell him what he wants to hear, because she was a friend of mine and our families spent so much time together. Ironically, she is overweight and not very attractive. However, he has been treating me like crap and I am the ***** Wife in this situation, so I do not think I can live with the destruction this has had on my marriage and family. I sent an email to him at Christmas saying I wanted him to love me again, with no reply. Pretty sad. So, I have done the 180 and going back to my counselor with my kids and filing for divorce. She can have him! Just worried about my two boys 13 and 10, because they are good friends with her 3 boys. What a mess.


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

LoveLifeNow said:


> I am in the same situation. My husband is in a relationship with our neighbor that I thought was over last year. It has been 2 -3 yrs also. My thought is that it is not an AFFAIR but a relationship. She has all the info she needs to manipulate him and tell him what he wants to hear, because she was a friend of mine and our families spent so much time together. Ironically, she is overweight and not very attractive. However, he has been treating me like crap and I am the ***** Wife in this situation, so I do not think I can live with the destruction this has had on my marriage and family. I sent an email to him at Christmas saying I wanted him to love me again, with no reply. Pretty sad. So, I have done the 180 and going back to my counselor with my kids and filing for divorce. She can have him! Just worried about my two boys 13 and 10, because they are good friends with her 3 boys. What a mess.


Good luck to you. I feel thesameway re the relationship vs affair, when they have invested that much time lieing, betraying, etc, and all the while spending so much time with this other person(and I say that begrudginely-because, seriously, who does this?)
How did you find out about the affair? I think if he was truly sorry, he would have responded to your note, and he would not be treating you, of all people like crap. Unbelievable! I think what you are doing is the right thing. If my husbands behavior was like that after finding out what you found out, it would be a no brainer for me. My delimma husband is acting the exact opposite of that, but he has always treated me well, been very nice, etc, and I still consider leaving, of course.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

flabberghasted said:


> Our counseler is convinced that SHE sent the letter. I completely agree, as she was living with this other guy-but he was not her first choice, she wanted my husband- and I think she was hoping I would kick him out etc, and then she could finally have him. She ws getting to a point where she had to s_ _ t or get off the pot, so she took a chance that her ploy would work. There are times, many times, I have felt like leaving, but I am going to try, he is completely transparent with me now, but it may be too late....*I don't want to live a life where I feel like I need to "check up" on my husband, I want to be able to trust him*, like I thought I could. Maybe I am just in denial. Clearly women and men are on completely different wavelengths. He told me he was actually relieved that it was exposed so that it would end. I'm not sure if I am relieved, or what....


Don't knock it - checking up has actually been an amazing tool for me to help rebuild trust. My situation is not as drastic as yours; but I was betrayed and hurt all the same. When my husband showed complete willingness to be transparent about EVERYTHING, email addresses, phone, etc, it really helped. And really, I don't 'check' very often; simply because he provided transparency.


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## flabberghasted (Jan 10, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Don't knock it - checking up has actually been an amazing tool for me to help rebuild trust. My situation is not as drastic as yours; but I was betrayed and hurt all the same. When my husband showed complete willingness to be transparent about EVERYTHING, email addresses, phone, etc, it really helped. And really, I don't 'check' very often; simply because he provided transparency.


No, I'm not, it's just different after never feeling like that was something I had to do. I agree with you, and it does give me a level of security knowing he is willing to be so transparent. I am also the same way, I might check on him once or twice a month if the urge comes to me. Not nearly as often as in the beginning. Thanks for your advice!


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

flabberghasted said:


> Good luck to you. I feel thesameway re the relationship vs affair, when they have invested that much time lieing, betraying, etc, and all the while spending so much time with this other person(and I say that begrudginely-because, seriously, who does this?)
> How did you find out about the affair? I think if he was truly sorry, he would have responded to your note, and he would not be treating you, of all people like crap. Unbelievable! I think what you are doing is the right thing. If my husbands behavior was like that after finding out what you found out, it would be a no brainer for me. My delimma husband is acting the exact opposite of that, but he has always treated me well, been very nice, etc, and I still consider leaving, of course.


No one here would blame you if you dropped your husband's ass! Take care of you!


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## ninnie (Feb 22, 2012)

This sounds so much like me. He doesn't know why he did it. He says there was only heavy kissing and talking. I would probably feel better if he had sex. thats such a primal need but kissing and holding hands is on such a more emotional level for me. I love him more than anything and can't imagine being without him but how do you get thru this? After it started coming out, I found out more by going thru his phone and phone bill. Never wanted to be the person that does that. But I will keep doing it.


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