# Falling to pieces



## snowbird (Dec 29, 2010)

Hi all, I am hoping to gain some insight about infidelity and the varing degree's...from both sides. My husband told me about his one night stand back in October, one month before our first, and possibly our only, child was born. it was after midnight and we were in bed, and he told me...I said nothing, remained calm and turned over to fall asleep. I didn't know where to start, and six months later, I still don't. My head is so clouded, I am tired and exhausted. I thought after our baby was born that things would finally slow down, and I would be able to enjoy the life I created for my husband and I... and the life that I fought to live after i received my cancer diagnosis seven years ago. So why? Why after cancer, after major surgery, after chemo and radiation, infertility treatments, a surrogacy, home renovations, old jobs, new jobs, etc, etc, etc...he has managed to turn the very best moments our my life into something so difficult and hurtful? and now this? where do I start? how do I believe him when he says that I am all he wants and he will never cheat again, and won't go back to the man he was? Any insight from either the person who has cheated or the person who has been cheated on. I am numb and in search of a starting point.

Thank you.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am a hurt spouse. I've been married to my husband, will be 14 years this month (the 21st) He has had numerous affairs. Most have been just sex, 2 have been an actual relationship. After all these years, I am finally starting to realize my own worth. I convinced myself that he was the man I wanted. I'm now starting to see things differently. This man is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. Why would I want that as a husband? It pains me to no end to see my marriage end. My marriage was so important to me and for the man who was supposed to share the same love and joy with me, to sh*t all over our marriage is inconceivable. I do struggle with my internal conflict of love and hate for him. He's my husband and yes, he's done alot of bad things to me but we've had good times together too. Infidelity destroys everything. It ruins everything. It's like a hideous creeping slime that covers everything, past, present and future. Your marriage will never be the same. My marriage will never be the same. Nobody here's marriage will be the same, but sometimes that is not always bad. Sometimes something good will blossom from the bad. I do not have an answer as to why they (the DS) would choose to do something like they did. I do not know what makes them think it's ok, or to not think about the consequences. Even though adultery is against the law in some states (listed here:States where Adultery is "Illegal" - US Message Board - Political Discussion Forum) but no legal action is ever enforced. Some states have alienation of affection laws where a jilted spouse can sue their spouse's lover but those cases are rarely brought to court. I would be in favor of adultery laws to protect the hurt spouse. Adultery can and does cause deep emotional trauma that can last for years and another person willingly and intentionally caused that trauma. You said you were in search of a starting point, that starts with you. You cannot change your spouse but you can change you. Focus on you. If your Hubs is smart, he will catch up to you before it's too late, if it gets to me too late, that means you have gotten to where you no longer need him and it's his loss.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Snowbird - welcome. 

Pick up Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It give real insight as to the steps to recovery. Also check out affaircare.com. Lots of good information. 

Is your husband remorseful? It sounds like he is which is a plus. Too bad he's got some very poor boundaries. 

You and he will need to sit down and create a map of where you want this to go from here. He will need to have some extraordinary precautions in place to protect you. 
See if you can get into marriage counseling (do your research! Find a good pro-marriage counselor). 

God bless!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'm just here (May 4, 2011)

Hi snowbird. 

I am in a somewhat similar situation currently. My husband had an emotional affair, which involved very inapproate text messaging with the other woman (a friend of mine.) When I stumbled upon a text he also admitted that they had "kissed" here at our house while I was at work. Of course I struggle with believing that it was only kissing, and with knowing that had I not discovered this early on, the physical aspect would have pretty quickly gone a lot further. Many people would say, it was only kissing, but to me the emotional infidelity was just as bad or worse than if it was just physical. So this was back in November, and I guess I just kind of tried to bury it, forget it, and pretend everything was going to be fine. If anything I placed the blame on myself, and never really got mad at him. But now it has been a few months, and I just can't keep pretending that nothing happened, or that things are fine between us. I am finally getting a little mad at him now, but mostly just feeling very numb. I don't really feel much of anything. I know that I still love him, but hate that this is between us and causing me to feel the way I do. Wondering how anyone could do this to someone they love, if it will every happen again, and if I am really good enough for him. He really is trying hard to make things good between us, which makes me feel guilty for having these feelings. I just can't feel the way I did before it happened, and that hurts.. I need to be able to feel unhindered love for him again but I can't. We are celebrating our 4th anniversary this week, and have a little vacation planned but I am not even really looking forward to it. Just thinking of our anniversary reminds me of our wedding and the promises we made to each other that have been broken. 
I would love any advice also.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

Hi Snowbird!

First, just want to send you a big hug. Now I want to tell you how much I can identify with your situation and maybe give some insight that has been given to me by months of MC and therapy.

Like you, I was very happy with my marriage. We had also been through a lot through the years. Money, jobs, deaths in family,pregnancy issues etc. But, the worst thing we had to go through was dealing with our 1st daughter's cancer diagnosis. (neuroblastoma at 6months old) followed by a really tough 2nd pregnancy that resulted in a premature birth, followed by serious medical issues with me that resulted in emergency surgery and and end to us having anymore children.

We dealt with stressful situations differently. I threw myself into taking care of my sick child, being a mom, full-time job etc. He through himself into work and didn't deal well with the stress.

Anyway, long story short, I always thought WE were aware of how lucky we were to have the family we had. Health...happy... together!!!! However, I wasn't aware that my husband was suffering from a sort of PTSD! Some people are more effected than others...

I slowly watched my loving husband turn into someone I didn't know. He often would call himself a "monster" and told me frequently that I "deserved better." These thoughts however, did not stop him from being an a$$hole to me and the kids though. I also got the " I love you, but I am not IN love with you. " line that is so often heard.

I started snooping...and I found what I was looking for. He had been having an affair for a year with his step-cousin. Someone who I thought was "family" and knew everything we had been through. Come to find out, she has had a crush on my H since they were kids! And since they weren't REALLY related and she was in an unhappy marriage herself. She thought it was okay to go after my H!!! My H was dealing with the break-up of his parent's marriage (OW"s uncle and H's mom) They got to talking marriages....and the rest is history.

My husband was already dealing with depression/stress from everything we had gone through and admitted he liked the attention. It made him feel "alive" again. She was very good at making him feel special, while I was taking care of the REALITY that was our life. He dealt with our stressful life differently than I did.

You may wonder why I am telling you all this...

I believe your H may have suffered something similar to what my H did. Once the "fog" of the affair was cleared, my H realized just what he was doing. I think your H may have dealt with your life stresses in a similar way. After his one night stand, the "fantasy" feel good feeling went away and was replaced by guilt. Hence the confession. 

The good news....Well, I think there is hope for you. I think he really does love you and realizes his mistake. (my H claims this too) I think with some marriage counseling with a pro-marriage therapist is very important!!!. Ours has helped enormously!!!! IC is very helpful too. I'm not going to lie though, I still have tough days when I cry over it...still!!!! It is a looooong road (so I am told) and I am hopeful that we will get through it and you will too.

Good luck my friend...


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