# Need advice, not sure how to change things



## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

I guess what my issue is I don't know what the alternative is to what I deem as normal:scratchhead:

At marriage counseling this week we were arguing out an incident that happened a couple weeks ago (I posted about it if you care to see what the drama was about!) Husband defends himself to the 9th degree, even when it was pointed out by MC that he "didn't put his family first." It just went round and round. 

Basically what I said to her was that I thought we were supposed to be a partnership (she keeps saying we need to put each other first and get marriage back on track, it's a priority!!) So I was confused because I felt like he left me hanging (car issues, called him and thought he was coming for me, but we don't see eye to eye on the time frame, to make a long story short.) So essentially I said I grew up in a family where if someone had trouble they could count on each other, etc., and I thought that was "normal." She (mc) said not in every family, but if that was what I wanted my life to be like I had every right to have that. 

But husband and I certainly don't agree on what is appropriate as far as things like that go. He told me after that he "wasn't supposed to be responsible for others problems." He's done some coda meetings as well as 12 step stuff and gets that kind of talk from there. 

In addition to telling me I had a right to have my "normal", she also told him he needed to grow up and essentially that we had the right to have the relationship that we wanted even if it meant not being together and finding someone who fits what we want.

So I guess I don't know how one goes about changing their expectations? Husband has been very selfish and this doesn't seem to be going to change. He has no problem expecting me to do things for him or be there for him, but when the shoe is on the other foot he isn't there for me. 

I don't get how to be like him and be friends (and have a relationship.) My relationships are ones where there is give and take and if there's a problem I can count on them and them on me. So is there some sort of way to spell out expectations?? And what the heck expectations would you put in there? 

He doesn't get how selfish he is (even though this is the 2nd marriage counselor this year that has specifically said he doesn't realize how selfish he is - and they said this with him sitting there!!!!) And yes, I realize that things may never work out but for now i'm trying to figure out how to work things out with what I have to work with....


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

I can understand the "cant be responsible for others problems" theory... and that is a highly generalized statement for interaction on a societal level... Within a marriage, it is hoped that a spouse would WANT to help each other out in times of need or distress. Its not supposed to be a 'dog eat dog' world in a marriage. If he doesn't WANT to help, you cannot force him. The WANT to be a life partner through thick or thin, good times and bad has to be there... you can have your expectations, but you cannot force anyone to fulfill them, they have to be freely and joyfully fulfilled. Whether or not your H will see the light is up to him to figure out... try as you might through communication and MC's ... only he can change his behaviour.

Good Luck.


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## snowday (Jun 24, 2011)

Thanks Rosered...I have finally come to the conclusion that this isn't going to change. He's never fully invested in being a be there for your spouse kind of person. He's was raised in an extremely self-centered home and he doesn't seem to be able to break this. 

Somehow I had tolerated it better, but some things happened to put more strain on the marriage and now I find it harder to tolerate his selfishness.

So I guess i'm trying to find a way to live with it without living with a lot of resentment. How do I change feeling resentful when instead of 4 kids, i've got 5 (he's the 5th, even mc told him to grow up!!) How do I move around resenting that I do the majority of things in the home because he do to, yet expects me to act like a normal loving wife? 

Btw his biggest complaint is lack of sex.... So basically he wants to live in a self-centered world and remember he has a wife only when she can fulfill his needs:scratchhead:

I guess I want to see if there is some way I can learn to cope, set up some boundaries/guidelines, something that will save my sanity?!!


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