# Performance issue in bed... Why me!! How do we correct this?



## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Well, here is a sensitive subject....:smthumbup:

The ex has been gone for 5-6mo. I don't want her back at all but will admit that I miss her in the sack! mostly because she knows me and my buttons. 

my new flame is honestly just a complete shock to my system. We are both feeling this nearly "love at first sight" sort of thing and I suspect if things stay on track, wedding bells will be in our future. yeah, it is that strong, but still very new. 

We had sex for the first time last Sat and several times since!:smthumbup: No friggin doubt that is a class A muffin! Actually, that is sort of an issue. She is soooo smooth inside, it is hard to feel. I also apparently have some anxiety or issue moving on from the ex's goodies. I am able to get an erection but not get crazy hard or ejaculate. 

Because of this very open relationship, we can talk about anything and she already mentioned this issue while sitting on the porch last night. I assured her it is NOT her and my brain is still not right apparently. 

At this point, I am looking for a quick fix to get "one done" which will probably help everything. Not sure sure what I need here. I might just see how sweet she really is and tell her the BJs are important to my sex health....


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

me thinks you move to fast.

5-6 months gone and you mentioned wedding bells???????? 

me thinks you move to fast.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

This should probably be moved to the Sex section as the conversation is gonna get graphic...

I sometimes have a similar problem, that I just don't feel enough friction and so it's hard for me to get over the hill, as it were. This is made ten times worse with a condom on. I remember one company (Durex?) saying how lasting longer was a great thing but it totally isn't unless you have a severe premature problem! 

Some stuff I've found helps (apologies if I'm preaching to the choir):
-lots of foreplay! get lots of stimulation from her of whatever kind you like best
-different positions, find one that produces the right sensations
-different movements, sometimes short shallow thrusts are more stimulating
-outside influences like drinking/smoking/stress/health?
-we're both in our mid 30s, we just have to accept that despite HD we can't jack it in the morning, again in the afternoon, and then do it twice with a girl in the night and expect our little fella to keep up the pace until the finale


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

i should clarify that the ex and I have been on the slope to nowhere for 2yrs, maybe longer. 

Yes, fully agree, too fast, no way am I planning some wedding in record time. Just saying, I am mid 30s, not a rookie, we know what we feel on this deal and it is real. This is a lot more than a dating partner. I did NOT expect it or even ask for it. She cornered me!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Viagra dude. Drive nails into concrete.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> She is soooo smooth inside, it is hard to feel.


Sounds like she's a bit..um..loose. I had a girlfriend like that once. She had 4 kids. They stretch things out quite a bit. Had to wrap my hand around the base of my shaft from time to time to stay erect. It felt like I was screwing a mop bucket or something.

She have kids? Have you had a frank discussion about her sexual history? Maybe she had some well endowed boyfriends.

There's exercises and even surgery for that. 

As far as future wedding bells go..I just shake my head when I read this. When are people going to learn from their mistakes?

There is no need for marriage.

None.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

lenzi said:


> Sounds like she's a bit..um..loose. I had a girlfriend like that once. She had 4 kids. They stretch things out quite a bit. Had to wrap my hand around the base of my shaft from time to time to stay erect. It felt like I was screwing a mop bucket or something.
> 
> She have kids? Have you had a frank discussion about her sexual history? Maybe she had some well endowed boyfriends.
> 
> ...


unless she fvcking wealthy beyond belief!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Loose? Nope. Maybe not deep enough for all of me though. 

Wedding.... We are both catholic, we do that sort of thing... In no way am I going to rush anything.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then why did you mention wedding bells in your first post?

Are you on any medications? A number of them have delayed ejaculations as side effects. 

She may also be wetter than you're used to, which can reduce your sensations. There has been threads in here that cover some ideas. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Bobsmith
the most common cause for sexual disfunction is... worrying about seuxal disfunction. (OK i made that up but I think it is close to true).

Try to relax and have fun.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Loose? Nope. Maybe not deep enough for all of me though.
> 
> Wedding.... We are both *C*atholic, we do that sort of thing... In no way am I going to rush anything.


Not a whole lot of credibility here pulling the Catholic card regarding marriage when you are banging this chick while not...married...just sayin...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

bobsmith said:


> She is soooo smooth inside, it is hard to feel.


She likely has too much cervical mucous making everything smooth and slippery. There is a name for it (can't think of it) but they are small, benign, fluid-filled cysts and things can get PRETTY wet and smooth, no friction.

Cryo-cauterization (freezing) of the cervix is the treatment; takes 3 minutes, can be performed in her OB-GYN's office, fixes that problem right up! Her V will feel like a tight rubber band when its over. (This type of abnormal mucous has NOTHING to do with "normal" vaginal secretions during sex, so no worry that she will end up too dry.)

Have her get checked out by her doc and see if that's the problem.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Lila, let me ask you this from a woman's perspective. I know you are married but assume my situation. Would you feel the man is not telling the truth and maybe not as attracted to you? 

Though we are very open and talking about this, I feel it is sort of putting even more pressure on me. I sort of think she feels I am not attracted enough to go the full 9. She, however, is fully informed of my divorce situation and what that has done to me. She has vowed to "give all the time I need" but I sort of think it is hurting us just a touch. 

I know something is wrong because I don't have the sensation I normally would. I usually have to pace and take my mind OFF the task so I am not early. I feel numb...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

bobsmith said:


> Lila, let me ask you this from a woman's perspective. I know you are married but assume my situation. Would you feel the man is not telling the truth and maybe not as attracted to you?
> 
> Though we are very open and talking about this, I feel it is sort of putting even more pressure on me. I sort of think she feels I am not attracted enough to go the full 9. She, however, is fully informed of my divorce situation and what that has done to me. She has vowed to "give all the time I need" but I sort of think it is hurting us just a touch.
> 
> I know something is wrong because I don't have the sensation I normally would. I usually have to pace and take my mind OFF the task so I am not early. I feel numb...


THis thread...from the very beginning...my wife and I went through exactly this in the beginning of our sexual relationship.

I was in the process of divorce, and I had not had sex with a woman in four years. The first time we slept together was on our second date, and things didn't work right. I could barely get it up, and even then, it was pretty soft. I had never experienced anything like that happening before in my life...and neither had she. We passed it off as being our first time, kids were in the house, etc.

The next several times it was hit and miss as to whether it would even get up at all...maybe 50% success, but still not totally hard. She began to question things because as I said, she had never been with a man who wasn't raging hard with the shift in the breeze, and she took it pretty personally, that I wasn't attracted to her.

We had some pretty heated go rounds that eventually led to her saying that while I was just about everything she had ever wanted in a partner, this was one thing she wasn't sure she could handle no matter how good everything else was.

That is when I got serious about dealing with the problem. Started eating healthier, cut back on caffeine, and really started researching the causes. I also began to talk with a counselor, and it became terribly obvious that my ED, and yes, from what you describe, you have ED, but mine was pretty much entirely psychologically induced, and throw the performance anxiety in, and it was a disaster.

Among other things, I did get a script for Cialis, and that didn't work terribly well, so I switched to Viagra, and that did a better job. The thing is, for a lot of the things going on, nothing but a clear head and less stress would help.

Our sex life did improve over time, not that it was as bad as it sounds...we still successfully had sex 7-10 times a week even then, and I always payed a lot of attention to her, so it was far from bad, and she completely agreed...it was the best sex she'd ever had, but the emotional impact on her when things didn't work right was just devastating.

To this day, things are not perfect. I still have hardness issues where it is just hard enough for penetration, but not the steel pole that it is most of the time, but that is maybe one out of every 50 times, and maybe 1 out of every 100, it just won't get up at all. I think now it is more likely frequency induced more than anything else. The thing is, when things don't work right, it still hits her pretty hard, and I imagine that it likely always will.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

bobsmith said:


> No friggin doubt that is a class A muffin!


Love this :rofl:

Ok so kids or not, every whoo whoo is different. For the sake of the discussion the tightest fit I ever had was with a women who had had two kids and this was before the "rejuvenation" stuff was around. Having been through the "divorce and now dating" thing I can say that for me a lot of this was in my brain and just takes time and some new experience to reset your head....(both


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

As to the wetness issue, and lack of sensation...I'm not really sure what to say on that. My wife is tight. My wife gets wet. Really wet to the point of it running down her legs if we are standing, but I am always able to feel it. Well, most of the time...the times I'm not feeling things are when it is the fourth time in seven hours, so it really has nothing to do with her, rather my d1ck has just been screwed numb.

How does she feel inside with your fingers when she is really aroused? Is she well textured, or is it smooth to the touch of your fingers too?


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I've been with a couple guys in my life who've had this issue. First guy I figured at first it was new relationship jitters but it continued for a year, he didn't go to see a doctor about it or do anything to remedy it, and eventually I started taking it personally. I really stopped wanting to have sex with him cause it was so disappointing.

Second guy, tremendous amount of stress in his life. Third time we were together and the issue continued, he said "I'm going to the doctor." I appreciated that. This is a current thing and I'm waiting to see how it turns out so I'll keep you posted. As of this writing, though, I'm not taking it personally at all. The amount of stress in his life, it's no wonder.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Lila said:


> Thank you for sharing your story on this Sam. Helps to know that we're not the only one's experiencing this type of stuff.


When I read your story above, it felt as if it were the same story as mine, as would be told by my wife.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Samy, I was licking that and in there with my fingers before ever having sex. NICE!!! Yes, VERY smooth inside. Made her cum instantly. The first night we were slobbering drunk. I get that way with 10 crown/cokes. It sucks but I guess it is what it is. Good thing I am good at oral!

I did want to clarify, I did bang her for an hour last night. Might not have been at my 100% firmness but she came 5x so apparently I can do something right. She continually tells me how good i am and feel. I mentioned today not to fake anything so we know where we are at and she snapped at me. Said she does not faking anything or lie about that stuff. She is way into my products. 

I have never really fought with problems here so having a hard time with the full ED rollout. 

She has not performed oral on me but will GUARANTEE I will pop with that!!!! Never once had an issue here! She just really wants to be on top of each other right now, all sweaty, and hot. K, now I need a cold shower!! lol She gets to me....


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Not a whole lot of credibility here pulling the Catholic card regarding marriage when you are banging this chick while not...married...just sayin...


It's religion. It's called "I'll follow the rules that I feel like following and disregard the rest. god will understand".


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

lenzi said:


> It's religion. It's called "I'll follow the rules that I feel like following and disregard the rest. god will understand".


LOL... YUP. Seems to be the loose catholic following these days and I seem to live it like many others. We will just sin our asses off, then ask for forgiveness later. :smthumbup:


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Viagra dude. Drive nails into concrete.


HAHAHAHA!!!

That was darn funny.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Spent the last 24hrs with her. Feeling better all the time. Got some oral action last night and popped no problem!:smthumbup: I think we both feel better after that experience!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

I'm wishing I had this problem


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Yeah, I think a LOT of people would look at my situation and say "dude what is the problem????" A hotty that can't keep her hands off me and will do anything for me. Just a LOT to take in right now.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Those damn things really have a mind of their own.

I've been having great sex with the woman I'm seeing. At the beginning of this week, after being off of it for 1.5 years, I started up Zoloft again. I've been going through some pretty major stress - some heavy life **** that has pushed my anxiety to the point it's messing with my quality if life, sleep and work. So, much to my chagrin, back on the Zoloft.

Sadly, the delayed ejaculation thing is pretty bad. We did it for like 2 hours the other night and I could not cum. Same in the morning. Just wasn't going to happen. I remember this being an issue when I started it the first time, and it eventually let up a bit, although it would often take me longer to cum than normal. And then of course when you start putting pressure on yourself to cum, or to get hard if that's an issue, the worse the problem becomes. Lame.

I guess if I have issues tonight I'll just tell her what the deal is. A big part of me hates admitting I'm taking anti-anxiety meds though. I was so proud of myself being off them. Feels like failure.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I would recommend you try a heavily ribbed condom. The ribbing helps her AND you to feel more.

Also, they make vibrator bullets you can attach at the base of the penis to give you more stimulation if you need it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

We are not using condoms, she is on the pill. Since I guess I cannot yet finish things inside her, we have no worries! lol


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Dont worry bro. It happens to the best of us. Thats whats happens when you get used to one box. Only a bad thing when that familiar box is gone.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Just give it time, you've only been intimate a few times, I'm sure it will work itself out once you are totally comfortable. Sex is a lot more intimate than people like to think it is and that creates anxiety in some, and other crazy emotions.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Happy to report all is good now! Took a bit to get my comfort level here but Viagra will not be required. She found a few buttons that get everything working just fine!:smthumbup:


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Bravo!!

Now..........just enjoy!


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

well.... we still have an issue with creating a curfew for bedtime! Seriously, we seem to stay up WAY too late and we are dragging. I am semi sick with sinus funk now. Need to recharge! 

Literally, I fell asleep on top of her the other night for 2hrs!!! She passed out too and we were both a little WTF but she did not care a bit!


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

this is an awesome story. congrats op! its also why I really REALLY hate the "what??? its not hard on command??? RUN to the doctor!! check the T!!! medicate!!!!!" routine

guys are far more psychological than we give ourselves credit for. plus we bear the emotional burden that if WE cant get it going SHE wil feel bad about herself. thats a ton of pressure and honestly women cant relate to that at all.

I think we run to.doctors and risky drugs too quickly. wish there was a lot more help on the psychological side.

chemically of course Ed drugs will force a reaction, but if you dont physically ACTUALLY need them (as was the case here) they can be dangerous


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> this is an awesome story. congrats op! its also why I really REALLY hate the "what??? its not hard on command??? RUN to the doctor!! check the T!!! medicate!!!!!" routine
> 
> *guys are far more psychological than we give ourselves credit for.* plus we bear the emotional burden that if WE cant get it going SHE wil feel bad about herself. thats a ton of pressure and honestly women cant relate to that at all.
> 
> ...


The drugs can actually help quite a bit with the psychological too, especially if it is a performance anxiety related ED. Get a few successes under your belt, and the anxiety wears off pretty quickly.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Healer said:


> I guess if I have issues tonight I'll just tell her what the deal is. A big part of me hates admitting I'm taking anti-anxiety meds though. I was so proud of myself being off them. Feels like failure.



Healer,

It's not failure. You don't have to stay on the meds forever. Maybe just until this real rough patch in your life is over? Give yourself a break.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Quantmflux said:


> this is an awesome story. congrats op! its also why I really REALLY hate the "what??? its not hard on command??? RUN to the doctor!! check the T!!! medicate!!!!!" routine
> 
> guys are far more psychological than we give ourselves credit for. plus we bear the emotional burden that if WE cant get it going SHE wil feel bad about herself. thats a ton of pressure and honestly women cant relate to that at all.
> 
> ...


This in my opinion can't be overemphasized.

I have kept track of my own male health for years, and even going back to young man days, my performance fluctuated week to week, month to month.

As a recent example, last week, I had a really hard time getting hard and noticed no 'morning wood' all week. I worried that I might not be able to make love to my wife, thought "well, probably not this week". Well, she did get me hard and I was able to make love once during the week but definitely a bit worrisome at my age. You think to yourself "well, maybe this is it?"

This week, a super hard morning wood every day. Made love three days in row. Nothing's changed. No difference in diet, habits, et. 

Who the heck knows?? Certainly not even modern medicine.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

what I have found is I have had zero previous issues that I can recall other than the drunken issues that probably many have. 

When I met this woman, something changed! I was not thinking about the bedroom. I don't know why and there could very well be an issue in this for me that I am not seeing! There were feelings beyond getting her in the sack. I have learned that it is still sort of an issue in relaxing with her. Instead of just enjoying some good bed time, I am mentally not wanting to screw it up. I know I will have to work past this but that is sooo much easier to just say. 

She is physically, to me anyway, just flawless and it is a LOT to take in! I figure most guys would just jump all over it! I am just in a different camp right now. Hard to explain.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Ah, its just nerves, it will go away. You're still in the beginning phase. Don't rush and get nervous.

I'm sure you've got a "bag of tricks" that has always worked in the past, open it up again. For me its always been rolling her over, getting that new angle and view.

Of course, there's always the medications that can cause delays. Anti-depressants of course are notorious, but even antihistimines can affect that I've read.


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