# Questions (from the adulterer)



## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

The adulterer being me.

Long story on the shorter side, my husband and I have been together for 17 years. 16 of them were a nightmare. I was 14 when we started dating. I didn't know a thing about what a healthy relationship was. It was good at first, and then I wasn't allowed out of the house(or bedroom), had to stop contact with all my friends, I was constantly called named and told how worthless I was, that I couldn't do anything right, that I was a burden, etc. I stayed. It sunk in after being told these things so often. There was a lot of alcoholism the past few years as well.

We've been married for 11 years. Our kids will be 8 and 9 years old this year. Last October while living in an apartment, I met a lady who lived in the same complex and something about her, her kindness, her freedom... It was like a switch was turned off. I snapped. I was ready to leave my husband. No more of this abuse! Howver, I didn't care about anything. I didn't care how reckless I was being or how it affected my husband, I didn't even want to be around my kids. And that breaks my heart just thinking about it! They're my life!

In the middle of October, my husband and I met a couple. The instant attraction, desire, chemistry between the other man and I was amazing! Just the eye contact. We even passed on shaking hands because of the strong chemistry.
In short, we ended up having an affair. We had agreed no feelings would get involved and we wouldn't leave our spouses for each other.
This affair went on for 6 months and actually ended a week ago today.

Now I understand I'm the adulterer here and I'm not trying to make excuses, I'm not sure how it happened or why but I love that man.
My husband knows a little bit, only thinks we went out for coffee, but I know deep inside, he knows more. He read the very detailed sexual texts, saw pictures, etc.

My husband, since my change in October (which lasted until December), started actually trying. When he knew I had hit my limit it was like a switch got flipped for him and he's been caring, supportive, helps me with the kids and house work... I don't completely feel like a single mom to two with a man child.
I'm not sure I'm in love with him, but I'm trying to be. I don't know this side of him. 16 years to get him to be this way, I wait for the mask to fall off. It always seems to, it's the cycle.

Anyway, I feel bad now. I'm not good at secrets from my husband. I want to tell him the truth, he deserves the truth, but I don't want to break his heart either. Our marriage is already on the rocks. He's trying to trust me knowing that I fell in love with this other man, and I'm trying to move past our past full of abuse and get over the PTSD and anxiety I suffer because of it.

I didn't do it to hurt him. I just wanted to feel _*something*_ again. My lack of life experience may play a small roll as well.
All I know is that I love the other man (who has a fiance), but I feel the need to be honest with my husband and I'm at a loss on what to do. I've become the person I hate and over the past 17 years, have managed to completely lose every essence of who I am including morals and values apparently.

I'm not sure what I want here. Advice of any sort would be great. Go ahead and call my down if that's what you choose. I've read the posts here. Our life was anything but happy and fulfilling. There was no trust, no caring, no love, no sex, no affection....there wa emptiness and darkness on the nights that he decided to be home.
Do you know what it's like to comfort your crying toddlers who are asking why their dad doesn't love them? I should've left, but I wasn't strong enough.

What do I do? Do I tell him? Do I just leave?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You have to tell him or the guilt will eat you alive.
You say your husband know that you are in love with other man? What about OMs wife? Does she know too?


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## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

You're right. I feel that right now. It's eating at me everyday and by the end of the day, I'm so depressed and lack motivation to get off my butt. I just want to take a 5 year nap. :/

She does know some, yes.
He had went home one day in a hurry without washing, she could "smell sex" on him. She had also seen a text from me, and had seen him parked at the apartment. My husband actually called her (facebook) and told her that we had had an emotional affair. She, like my husband, is rushing it off as well or just didn't put it all together, but I highly doubt that's the case.
I found out this week he has profiles on POF so I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I feel the need to tell her as well, but I don't want to upset her more than I have already. I'm the last person she'd want to hear anything from!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

MM,

Anyone willing to have an affair with a married woman is not boy friend and especially not husband material.

If he cheats with you he will cheat on you. Was the OM married before perhaps two or three times?

Ask yourself what kind of man would break up a childs family?

Please end this and work on yourself confess to your H and the OM fiance. 

Once you establish your own integrity you can get an honest divorce if need be.

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I also suggest "his needs her needs" and "surviving an affair" by dr Harley


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## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

Tamat,

Actually, no. Or not that he mentioned anyway. His last relationship lasted 7 years, but no marriage. Two children within those 7 years as well. He also has another child with another woman. This man is 10 years older than me as well. His fiance has a daughter who lives with them and his sons stay with him every other weekend until the end of this school year when one of them will be moving in with him.

I can't place the blame solely on him. It was me just as much, just different life circumstances. He said he was happy, just sexually bored where I was anything but happy with any part of my life.

How would I tell him this? As good as he's been doing, the PTSD still has me on edge. Just him coming through the door when he gets home from work makes my entire body physically jump. I'm not sure I can tell him.
But I think you're right. I should just get it over with. I know what will happen, there will be no recovering once he knows the truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> MM,
> 
> Anyone willing to have an affair with a married woman is not boy friend and especially not husband material.
> 
> ...


Maybe not. But maybe. 

I was originally my wife's workplace affair partner and we have been together since 1989, so anything is possible.

MM, I will suggest that you and your husband have counselling individually and as a couple. My best wishes to you all. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You have been in an abusive relationship for 16 years from the tender age of 14. 
Are you going to stay in it? Your H is behaving well at the moment. Is he likely to revert? You said something about cycles. 

You ended the A but you say you're in love with OM. He had a child with a woman, then a 7 year relationship & 2 more children which has now broken up. He's now engaged to another woman but had an affair with you which he likely would have continued if you didn't end it. You now know you are probably not the only one because he has a profile on POF, more than one profile in fact. This is no man to be in love with. He's a player & they are usually charming & attentive. Don't mistake love for affection. You have been starved of affection for years. 

If you leave your H, just make sure you don't end up in a relationship with someone like OM. 

I feel you need intensive IC to regain your self-esteem & find the 'self' you lost so long ago. 

I don't thing the most pressing question here is whether to tell your H about the A. I think you need to decide whether you are going to leave H. Telling him about the A may be dangerous for you given his abuse. I would definitely not tell him if it meant I might put myself in danger, especially since you also mentioned alcoholism.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By MiracaleMommy*
> His last relationship lasted 7 years, but no marriage. Two children within those 7 years as well. He also has another child with another woman.
> He said he was happy, just sexually bored where I was anything but happy with any part of my life.


I know you will probably ignore my post but the OM’s chances of being the man of your dreams is slim to none and slim may have left the building.

He has three children from two different women and used you because he was "sexually bored”. I would guess that he has some good qualities but his history is a HUGE red flag. He may have some emotional feel for you but the chances are it has very shallow roots. 

If you move in with him be prepared to see your fog lift and you will be very disappointed. *He has three children from other women and you or your children will never be number one with him.*


You have been starved for emotional and sexual excitement for many years and this OM’s actions with you will be extremely exaggerated as being one that will make you happy. If you go to live with this OM you will be greatly disappointed in the years to come.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

MiracleMommy said:


> You're right. I feel that right now. It's eating at me everyday and by the end of the day, I'm so depressed and lack motivation to get off my butt. I just want to take a 5 year nap. :/
> 
> She does know some, yes.
> He had went home one day in a hurry without washing, she could "smell sex" on him. She had also seen a text from me, and had seen him parked at the apartment. My husband actually called her (facebook) and told her that we had had an emotional affair. She, like my husband, is rushing it off as well or just didn't put it all together, but I highly doubt that's the case.
> I found out this week he has profiles on POF so I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. I feel the need to tell her as well, but I don't want to upset her more than I have already. I'm the last person she'd want to hear anything from!


This is where your justifications fall short,as,clearly,the other woman,never harmed you in any way.
It makes your description of your husband and relationship suspect,as your willingness to do grave harm to an innocent woman undermines your credibility.
See,if you could abuse an innocent person(s),like his wife and kids, why would one think you are being truthful about your husband?
You do know,I assume,that many therapists consider infidelity a severe form of emotional abuse,right? So,pray tell,exactly what had the wife of this guy ever done to you that made you feel justified in harming her so greviously?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Maybe not. But maybe.
> 
> I was originally my wife's workplace affair partner and we have been together since 1989, so anything is possible.
> 
> ...


You guys sound perfectly matched.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maxo said:


> You guys sound perfectly matched.


You are possibly right. 

The truth is stranger than fiction.

Her husband knew he was dying so he told her to take a lover.

And I was the one who was chosen for that role. 

He told me this himself later 

I promised him that I would always look after her.

A while after he died we were married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I don't mean to be ugly, but to the OM, you're just a booty call. If your husband is physically abusive, I would make sure I had some sort of plan before telling him. He may go bat fecal crazy on you.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You started posting in 2011 had three posts and disappeared. How did your husband resolve feelings about having a sex change operation? You started seeing him at 14 after your parents died, much older is he then you? How soon after meeting him did the relationship become sexual? Did you attend high school? 

His controlling nature has bern going on at this point for 16 years. You need to take control of your life and stop letting others control your's. Your life is far out of the norm as it appears you have been frozen at the age of 14. So much so I wonder if you share a lot of experiences of a CSA. Perhaps reading sone of @Uptown posts will help you. 

Honestly gving the nature of your life, I don't think you love the OM but instead just want out of your current life and see him as a KISA. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Booty call or an idiot who falls for a married woman?

Either could be possible.

Truth is MM, your husband cheated you out of a good marriage many years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Tell your husband. You maybe need to set up counseling first.

The OM is a huge piece of shyt for fvcking a married mother and cheating on his fiance.

Unfortunately, you are a huge turd now too.

Your marriage needed help for sure and you shot it in the head by allowing yourself to become so low as to think more highly of your crotch than your children.

I understand your bad marital issues but that is no excuse for what you did.

Counseling for you and your H.

Your children deserve healthy parents.

Don't know if your marriage can be saved or even should but be honest with your husband and family.

Try and repair yourselves first and then maybe your marriage.

You need to go NC with the OM.

Yeah, he really loves you. He cared more about getting his dyck in you than your wellbeing and could not give a shyt how fvcking you would affect your husband and children.
Not to mention the woman he pledged his faithfulness to.

Yup. He is a real class act.

Wake the hell up!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You are possibly right.
> 
> The truth is stranger than fiction.
> 
> ...


Oh,well,that is different. No subterfuge takes it out of the affair realm for me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I hear your pain. 

I just don't buy that having a six month affair was easier than leaving your husband that you clearly no longer love. 

And I do question what you said your feelings for your marriage would have been before the affair. Because I've heard and seen time and time again people say their marriages are great... And then they have sex with someone else because they want it, and then they describe the marriage as having always been cold and bad. 

How are you sure you're being objective?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I was also wondering what happened as far as the sex change thing from 2011?

You don't want to be with this guy. You're just trying to convince yourself that you do.

Leave your husband and split up with OM and FIND YOURSELF. There's NO way you will ever be happy with someone if you don't even know who you are.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

johna said:


> kisa.


kisa = ?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> You are possibly right.
> 
> The truth is stranger than fiction.
> 
> ...


An incredible story. Did your wife ever think she was diverting energy from her dying husband in his remaining days, by not being there for him?

My wife is dying/very ill. Looking for answers.

Not trying to threadjack.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

Knight in shunning armor. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I hate statements like this

"In short, we ended up having an affair. We had agreed no feelings would get involved and we wouldn't leave our spouses for each other." 

As if it's noble or something. It's not.

You need to tell the truth

At least you are admitting your wrongs which is a plus


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> You are possibly right.
> 
> The truth is stranger than fiction.
> 
> ...


wow Matt. I could never do that if I was him. It's bad enough that you are dying but good God, to be dying and know that your wife is with another man is as low as it gets. JMO.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

wmn1 said:


> I hate statements like this
> 
> "In short, we ended up having an affair. We had agreed no feelings would get involved and we wouldn't leave our spouses for each other."
> 
> ...


It's a pretty standard psychological move that betrays two underlying mechanisms:

Glossing over the details reduces he psychological stress of reliving it, and the martyrdom about it betrays that there's no regret. 

In other words, rug sweeping and I'm over it so you should be, too. With a dash of 'I'm actually the good guy in this, because I kept this pain from you and didn't leave you.'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> An incredible story. Did your wife ever think she was diverting energy from her dying husband in his remaining days, by not being there for him?
> 
> My wife is dying/very ill. Looking for answers.
> 
> Not trying to threadjack.


My aunts first husband was dying. As my uncle was on his last days, he was sitting in the hospital with my aunt and his best friend. And he looked at his best friend and said “I want you to marry her when I die. There is no one else in the world I trust with her as much as I trust you to honor and take care of her”. They started dating a couple of months later and after about a year, got married. A week after they got married, he went in for open heart surgery and died on the table.


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## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

I do appreciate all the replies, even if they are harsh! Everyone is entitled to an opinion and I'd much prefer no sugar coating, so thank you for all of the replies!

H and I were in counselling. We had started with individual, but at this point, it's too pricey. $400 month is a lot and I don't feel it was doing anything for me. She actually encouraged the affair. She didn't say much, barely an opinion at all except on the affair. She'd comment on how happy I was when I spoke about him, or how much I smiled. She was wrong for me. It was helping H though. He found it hard to make appointments working from 8am to between 7-8pm Monday to Friday. I did have an intake appointment over the phone with a different one. I like her. She's blunt and honest and will give her opinion. She also gives "homework." That's the kind of stuff I feel I need. Talking about it doesn't help much personally, I was going in circles. I need the actual conversation and opinions.

H wasn't physically abusive to me or my children. He was abusive to our animals though. I had started counselling at a place for abused women. While talking with her, she explained the traits of abuse and how it generally starts. Anger, control, etc, followed by abusing animals and what not. She said it almost always leads to physical abuse so I was scared. Not only that, but I had a boyfriend who had hit me. I knew what abuse was, I just thought it was only physical. The mind of an immature 14 year old.
H was the "bad boy". Hanging out with the wrong crowd, getting into trouble, etc. I was the kind of person that always wanted to help people. So to me, I saw a challenge and wanted to help him better himself. It took proving to him that his friends were trying to blackmail me into having sex with them to show him they weren't his friends. (had him listen to a phone call)
He had cheated on me 2 years into our relationship with 2 of (who I thought were) my friends. I brushed it off and let it go.

No, our relationship was never good. Not from the very beginning. There were of course some good times, he does have some good qualities like everyone does, but no, never a good relationship/marriage. At 14, I thought I loved him and didn't think it was out of the ordinary to be told the things he told me/called me. I wanted to please him, to make him happy, so I listened and let go of all my friends. Prior to our relationship, I was one of those popular kids and did get into some trouble myself. I had a lot of friends, very confident as well. A friend of ours introduced us over the phone one night. When we got off the phone, I told her that was who I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I had no idea what he looked like or who he was, there was just something about him. Of course, it was all just an act. It wasn't even a couple months into the relationship before I wasn't allowed to leave his bedroom. (He made me stay at his place.) I was to cook and clean and sexually please him. It was up to me to make him happy and I wasn't entitled to my own opinion, or even my thoughts. I'd mention getting a house on an acreage or something, and he'd completely beat down the thought. I was always in the wrong. If it rained or snowed, I got in trouble. If it was too hot, again, I was the one getting yelled at. Bad day at work? My fault. He had told me after we had kids, that I needed to focus on "the 4 C's." Cooking, cleaning, children and c***. After having the kids (2007 and 2008) I tried to do a college course on the computer. He told me I wouldn't complete it, that I don't commit and can't do anything/can't do anything right. I was getting it done, but he would get so angry at me for being on the computer. I ended up quitting and I guess proving him right. :/
all these things he's said, they sunk in. I loved him, I trusted him, I believed him. I'm not suicidal now, but a few years ago, had I not had my kids, I likely would've commit suicide. I felt it was either that, he he died, that was my only way escaping. I was beat down to absolutely nothing. It was meeting with a support worker from my kids school that helped me. She was encouraging and helped me. Unfortunately when I got the court date set for separating and taking custody of my kids, along with a protection order for them (he had said he'd take the kids down to his parents 16 hours away in the US) I canceled it. My son ended up needing surgery and court was booked for the day after. It went back to the same ways as the support worker moved. I know this is abuse (now) because of the number of people who have told me in the past. Not just random people, but doctors, support workers, even the Ministry of Children And Families. They were very supportive as well.

H stopped with the cross dressing and wanting the sex change only after I told him I didn't like it last November when he'd already decided to change. I feel I'm stopping him from being who he truly wants to be. This is something he hasn't mentioned to his counseller.
My parents passed away when I was 21. H is only about 2.5 years older than I am and it was sexual from the get go. I was expelled in the middle of grade 8 and didn't go back until I was in my 20's. Forgive me, I'm trying to learn all the abbreviations here. CSA, childhood sexual abuse? If that is the case, yes. I was sexually abused by my great grandfather at 7 years old, again by a family friend and date raped both at 13. The date rape, I ended up pregnant and miscarried.
Yes, the OM was definitely my KISA in every way! The personalty, how caring he was, his looks, right down to his height and muscle. (was a wrestler, average body, but beautiful to me)

H and I separated for while, no long but about a month. I had gotten some confidence back and put my foot down. I will not be treated with such little respect every again, by anyone! And he knows that. What I fear is that cycle I was talking about. Once I'm comfortable here, the mask will fall off and there I'll be, the complete fool for believing the lies yet again.

As for the OM, maybe I don't love him, maybe it's lust or something. I just know that he made himself out to be the perfect man for me with a few flaws. And attractive yes, but depends on who you ask. Attractive to me...and full of tats and rides a Harley to boot.
He told me he was in love with me. He was honest about one thing though. Right from the beginning we said we wouldn't leave our spouses for each other. He wasn't lying about that. Though he did tell me if things didn't work out between him and his fiance, he'd come find me. I told him not to bother. His true colours have come out, despite what I feel or think I feel, I don't want it. I already feel like an idiot for all of this, believing his words, etc.

Yes, I'm an adulterous w****. Now that that's covered, it had never happened before and it was something I had always hated. How could someone possibly do that to their spouse, or hurt someone else spouse like that? I can't explain, and won't try to make an excuse. I do feel so much for OM's fiance. The reason he said he'd find me if they didn't work out if because H got a hold of her on FB and spoke a bit. She does know some of it.

Am I scared of H? I guess in a way I was. Am I now? No, however, I do now the rage that would come out if I tell him the truth. He's big on punching/kicking/throwing/yelling, etc and that does scare me and reminds me of the past. I turn back into the sad excuse of a person I was.
The alcoholism is unfortunately a family thing for him. His mom, his grandpa, his aunt, cousins, you name it.  But it was so bad for a couple years there that he'd leave for work at 7:30am and come home between 11pm-3am. The poor kids would wake up and what not. The once, I got physical. I'm not perfect. The guy he was drinking with had to help him walk home. It was 2:30am, kids were in bed, they had school the next day. So he staggers through the door, dog's barking, kids are up, I'm up, and the other guy starts apologizing saying it was his fault. I told him to take him back to his house. He wouldn't so I threw H out of the house. Literally. :/

My problem is change regarding leaving H. My parents passed 10 years ago this year, I'm still struggling to adjust. I still find myself picking up the phone on occasion and getting halfway through dialing their number before realising what I'm doing. Sch a blow to the heart. 17 years together, I don't know a different life. I've spent far too long trying to make him happy. We're moving on Saturday. I plan to go get my lisence (never got it) and take some college courses. I'm also trying to make some friends. I'm trying to work on myself, figure out who I am and what I want.

ETA: H and I did separate for about a month between February and March, but the change was a lot to take. :/


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You told yourself that you have a bad marriage and a bad husband so it's OK to have an affair. OK, I get that.

But you should really think about what you told yourself over the years.

at 14, you told yourself, this is a bad relationship, but I will continue it because .... what specifically did you tell yourself?

At some other age, this is not a good man, not a good relationship, he has all these bad traits, but I will marry him becuase ... what specifically did you tell yourself.

At some other age, all the same things are wrong with yuor marriage and your man, but you chose to have a child, what did you tell yourself?

At some other age, you had a second child... what did you tell yourself?

Or did you only really start noticing these bad traits recently?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You made your biggest mistake marrying an abusive man. You exacerbated that mistake by having an affair. 

I get you were feeling downtrodden and unloved, but having an affair never helps anything. In many ways your OM exploited and used you more than your husband has because he knew you were in a fragile state and he used that to his advantage. As a prior person said, you were a booty call to him. 

And, by the way, you are not in love with him. Infatuated maybe, but not in love. 

You should divorce your husband because he is an abuser, not just because you cheated on him and feel guilty for it. You should also stay as far away from your affair partner as possible because he exploited you. 

In fact...you should stay the hell away from men altogether for the next five years or so until you get some counseling and get your head together.


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## MiracleMommy (Mar 4, 2011)

For the most part, I told myself it would get better. Teen years I figured we both just had a lot of growing up to do and with that growing up, we'd mature and change.
I married him because I loved him. This is something I wouldn't take back. Not because of who I married, but because it was the last year my parents were here.
Trying for the first child, we struggled with infertility. I figured the stress was adding to things. I miscarried numerous times and ended up so depressed that I couldn't even open the curtains, never mind leave the house. I couldn't handle seeing a baby or child.
My kids are 10.5 months apart. My second came out of nowhere. Very unexpected and he wanted me to get an abortion.

It's not really that I didn't notice it, it was that by the time I did, I loved him (or thought I did) and wanted to make him happy. I needed his approval I guess. I couldn't leave because I had no strength left. I believed him when he'd tell me no one would want me or could ever love me. The apologies seemed sincere as well, he'd even cry. I was just blind.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

marduk said:


> It's a pretty standard psychological move that betrays two underlying mechanisms:
> 
> Glossing over the details reduces he psychological stress of reliving it, and the martyrdom about it betrays that there's no regret.
> 
> ...



yep, marduk. You are very correct here


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

@MiracleMommy 

You cheated because of cowardness. Seems fairly straight forward.

Too afraid of the unknown of leaving him so you cheat to escape.

Much easier to cake eat. Although doing sh!tty things is always easy.

Much harder to do the right thing and leave him. You need to get a divorce.

And you're confusing lust with love. You don't know what love is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> wow Matt. I could never do that if I was him. It's bad enough that you are dying but good God, to be dying and know that your wife is with another man is as low as it gets. JMO.


It was what he insisted on.

He wanted to make sure he had someone he could trust to look after her.

I think he actually had someone do a background check on me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> wow Matt. I could never do that if I was him. It's bad enough that you are dying but good God, to be dying and know that your wife is with another man is as low as it gets. JMO.


Nope. Not at all. I played second fiddle and gladly.

I was able to help her look after him when his condition worsened.

There was one last surprise. It turned out he was a cousin of mine who I had never met.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry for you and your abuse my Lady. Try and talk with someone,help yourself. Your life is a mess since you were 7 years old. You deserve a better life.

I read your other thread and you dont have a Marriage,sorry.

2011 you said you dont love your Husband and you cant sleep with him .You wish you can find a man who can make you feel different.

I can understand that because your Husband is bad man. He treats you really bad and I feel sorry for you.

I have a question for you,why did you stayed Married to him? You wasted 5 years since your first thread here.

Now back to present. You cheated on him and you hurt other woman,her kids,your kids

Do you realize OM is just like your Husband,maybe even worse!!! He used you for sex and nothing more. You have some submissive streak in you. Do yourself a favor and to your kids,stop any contact with him. You think you love him in some way,but that is just a fog. You are trying to justify your behaviour. A good man will never betray his wife and his kids or sleep with someones else wife. Simple as that. There is no excuse.

No Marriage Counseling is going to help you because you dont love each other and you are not ashamed of your actions,both of you. He feels no sorry how he treated you and you are not sorry or ashamed of cheating.

Talk with your lawyer and go separate ways. You are still going to see each other because of the children,but you need to find another man. 

Maybe I was harsh with my comment so I apologize. 

Stay strong.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Nope. Not at all. I played second fiddle and gladly.
> 
> I was able to help her look after him when his condition worsened.
> 
> There was one last surprise. It turned out he was a cousin of mine who I had never met.


Your life is just....

...so much more interesting than mine.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Your life is just....
> 
> ...so much more interesting than mine.


Bandit, I think your life is more interesting than mine.

I remember you saying you hand built a large fireplace in your home.

That struck me as more interesting than my life.

My first girlfriend dumped me for a charlatan who convinced her he was a millionaire property developer, my second girlfriend dumped me for a woman, my third girlfriend turned out to be flaky (though she liked to wear fishnet stockings and suspenders/garters) and... heck. My wife's probably the most normal of the women I dated.

But they all seemed normal.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
The issue here is that there are two children, married, and with children. You nor your H are mature enough to be in a real relationship. You 14 and he 16.5 at the time of your meeting. That simply does not allow sufficient maturity to make life decisions.

The obvious answer is that you two need to grow up, the difficulty arises in how to accomplish that. We are supposed to be beings of cognizance and therefore led by reason and rationale. Sadly that is not the case for many.

What you and your H need to do is to rationally decide, conclusively, what each of you wants in, and out of, life and then to work diligently to attain those goals. That is what mature people do. If you both share sufficient commonalities regarding those goals, then your lives may remain interconnected. If you do not then your interaction may be reduced to only coparenting.

In any event the childish behavior must end for the sake of your children lest the grow up, or not, to be just as psychologically unprepared for life as the two of you are. What I propose is no small feat and will indeed be the most difficult undertaking of your young lives but it is necessary.

Your A was a continuation of the pattern of bad behavior as is your H's anger and abuse. You do not love your H nor the OM as you have not yet fully realized the concept just as your H does not love you due to his lack of understanding. If he did he could not abuse you as he has and if you did you could not have cheated. It is time to grow up, not only for your own sakes but, more importantly, for the sake of you children.

As I said, this will not be easy and for it to have any chance of success you must want it more than anything else and so must your H. It must become the most important focus of your lives, singularly and mutually, regardless of the outcome of the marriage. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

My husband cross dresses a little. Im convinced now he only likes it when it comes to BDSM and likes to be submissive and the only way i feel in the right zone is if he is a little B. I hate his cross dressing. At first is was new, and i guess a little fun... But in the end i just see him as less of a man now. Im less attracted to him now... Some of its the affairs but a lot of it is his kinks... I just am not on board. 

As to the OM. what a looser. You should confess to your husband AND the other significant other. MAY screw up his life, but with the way he got you i bet he has other women he talks with or bangs. Yes, you were stupid and nieve BUT YOU ARE HUMAN! 

you are in a dysfunctional marriage and the only thing you have lacked is the strength to get out of it. You DONT love your husband but i believe you think you should. This is how the affair happened. You need to get strong. You need to get your husband aware and you need to file for divorce and find A SINGLE MAN, after you have worked on yourself a bit. 

You are a cheater, but only you really know if you are a *****. I don't think you are. I think you are a lost soul like many who find themselves in a similar situation.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

MiracleMommy said:


> Am I scared of H? I guess in a way I was. Am I now? No, however, I do now the rage that would come out if I tell him the truth. He's big on punching/kicking/throwing/yelling, etc and that does scare me and reminds me of the past. I turn back into the sad excuse of a person I was.
> The alcoholism is unfortunately a family thing for him. His mom, his grandpa, his aunt, cousins, you name it.


This is why I say, do NOT tell him about the A. (Normally I would say do). 



> It was meeting with a support worker from my kids school that helped me. She was encouraging and helped me. Unfortunately when I got the court date set for separating and taking custody of my kids, along with a protection order for them (he had said he'd take the kids down to his parents 16 hours away in the US) I canceled it. My son ended up needing surgery and court was booked for the day after. It went back to the same ways as the support worker moved.


I think you can't find the courage to leave. It's not easy for anyone to leave, especially when there are kids & it takes great strength & determination. As a matter of urgency, I really think you must find another support worker to guide you through this. Deep down, you must know that for your own sake you must leave. Staying with an abuser can be an addiction, the 'Stockholm syndrome'. Hence my suggestion to find another support worker. You got as far as trying to get the court order last time. 
There is his threat to take the kids away. But it may be something he is just saying. With the court order in place, I imagine it's doubtful he would. Plus he needs to keep his job so he couldn't being the kids to his parents & stay there anyway. 



> My problem is change regarding leaving H. My parents passed 10 years ago this year, I'm still struggling to adjust. I still find myself picking up the phone on occasion and getting halfway through dialing their number before realising what I'm doing. Sch a blow to the heart. 17 years together, I don't know a different life.


As well as your parents, you are probably grieving the safe & secure home you lost because the one you replaced it with has been anything but loving & secure. 



> ETA: H and I did separate for about a month between February and March, but the change was a lot to take. :/


How did H react this time? Was he OK about it? Did he pay you child support? In other words will you be OK financially if you leave? 
This is another reason NOT to tell him about the A. If you tell him & then leave, the A will make him even angrier & it will make leaving him & the aftermath far more difficult that it already is. 

When you say 'the change was a lot to take', do you mean you felt it challenging to be by yourself?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *by MiracleMommy*
> He had cheated on me 2 years into our relationship with 2 of (who I thought were) my friends. I brushed it off and let it go.
> 
> I wasn't entitled to my own opinion, or even my thoughts. I'd mention getting a house on an acreage or something, and he'd completely beat down the thought. I was always in the wrong. If it rained or snowed, I got in trouble. If it was too hot, again, I was the one getting yelled at. Bad day at work? My fault.
> ...


MiracleMommy
*What you said in bold above should be your 100% focus and dedication*. You should forget about you having a man right now. You have way too much baggage to help any person through the trials of life as you have been weakened in many ways.

I am not putting you down but telling you that you have the right direction in you wanting to help yourself get stronger. You were a victim of a horrible crime in that you were betrayed, raped, and molested when you were just a child. *That is a LOT of baggage and that was not your doing or your fault. However, the truth is that you have been damaged severely and you need to concentrate on you getting a LOT better without trying to manage a relationship with a man.* This married man that you had a sexual relationship with and are in somewhat of a fog with him will never work. In fact, it will heap upon you more damage. Do you think that you can have a good life with a married man that cheats on his wife and then screws you knowing that you have children? On top of that you are damaged because of your youth.

Get all the help that you can get and diligently pursue getting a lot stronger with presence. Your life and your children’s life are going to be greatly affected by your actions over the next several years! *You get to choose what you are going to do from here on out.*


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Not sure I understand the beginnings of this mess-------at 14 you were forced to live with/stay with your Husband to be----------you obviously didn't go home----where were your parents with all of this---most 14 year olds, parents keep tabs on them-----how does a 14 yr old end up being forced to stay in at 17 year olds house----and what about his parents----your beginnings arn't to clear------beyond that you don't have much luck picking men do you----you picked an abusive H., and now for whatever reason you don't wanna leave-----kids will get along better, in split homes that are somewhat happy, than in a home where there is pretty much nothing but misery-----as to your lover----he is nothing but a slimeball----having unprotected sex, leading to kids---and then going after a married wife with a family----yah he's a real winner----then you hook up with an MC who condones your A.----you should ask for your money back from her-----the state should ask her to return her license---If you can make it on your own----and Only you know the answer to that----you need to get a D., get away from the two pieces of garbage that you call the men in your life---take your kids, and START OVER----did you know that there really are decent nice loving guys out there, who are NOT pieces of garbage!!!!!!!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Before you can have a healthy marriage both of you need to get healthy first.
You both have many individual issues and traumas that need to be dealt with in therapy. Your CSA his gender and control issues etc.

I would suggest you separate, so that you both can work on yourselves, to self reflect, get the individual help you need to makes yourselves emotionally whole again. Then see how you feel about the marriage. By then you may decide to give it another shot or may decide to walk away. Even if you split up now it is basically two 'sick' and emotionally damaged people trying to walk individual paths, both of you needing inner healing and restoration.

The affair was wrong and your messed up way of trying to solve your inner demons. You have to put a stop to all of that, cut all contact, come clean but start working on yourself.


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