# Spouse can't handle Advice



## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

When I say my spouse can't handle advice, to be more specific she can't handle it from me. When I give her advice or suggestions about something she is doing she just takes offense and gets pissy. It can be something that I usually do and she is helping out with, so I try to give her guidance, nope shed rather not do it at all if I do that. She can be focusing on a one project task and I tend to think bigger picture, long term, so I make suggestions that can be helpful for both short and long term, she just gets mad. Her most recent response was, "just go away." 
So frustrating, she claims to be excellent with communication, but in these situations I have no idea how to get through them productively.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Here's a word from the wise: Just shut up, don't give your wife any more advice or suggestions.

They don't like it, they don't want it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This morning I found an interesting website that discusses the ramifications of being shamed in childhood:

_Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections._

Top 100 Traits OF PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM PERSONALITY DISORDERS

Although it may not fit your wife, it's a way to consider how she might be feeling when you try to advise her.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

My sister is like that, but she's a narcissist, and they cannot be wrong or even flawed. 

Like we're both old and we both depend on our hearing for work, of course, and some years ago, I let her know that she wasn't hearing well. I mean, I would say something on the phone, and she wouldn't even hear me and then she'd gripe that I was mumbling. I have a fairly loud voice and no one else has trouble hearing me. I let her know she was getting hard of hearing and she went into a RAGE. 

Tying in to a post up there about how you were brought up, our mother was pretty critical, but mostly to me, not her. She tiptoed around her and sucked up to her, so I dunno.

Anyway, it wasn't until many years later she had her hearing tested and got a hearing aid and she never said one word about me telling her years before. She just put that out of her mind. People are nuts sometimes. 

Don't give her advice.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

So stop giving her advice; if she didn't ask you for it, then don't give it... Nothing is more annoying than unsolicited advice! Honestly, it's borderline controlling to do so.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I agree.

It becomes oppressive to feel like you're incompetent and in need of constant correction.



GC1234 said:


> ...if she didn't ask you for it, then don't give it... Nothing is more annoying than unsolicited advice!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Has she always been this way with you? If not, what happened? What could you have done that would be causing this. Too controlling? Overbearing? Always needing things to be done your way? Do you have a "do as I say and not as I do" approach? Anything she resents you for? 

As for her doing things (chores?) differently than you, as long as it gets done then who cares? There is more than one way to do things. No one wants to constantly be told how to do things. She is her own person, not a clone of you. She has her own ideas and her own way of doing things even if you don't agree. 

Also, watch your words and tone. Everyone will get defensive if they are being attacked, treated like a child or told "YOU always... YOU never...". Instead of "You're doing it wrong!!!", gently tell her WHY it should be done a certain way. Not just that she's doing it wrong and how it should be done. If it's just you being picky... Let. It. Go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GutShot7 said:


> When I say my spouse can't handle advice, to be more specific she can't handle it from me. When I give her advice or suggestions about something she is doing she just takes offense and gets pissy. It can be something that I usually do and she is helping out with, so I try to give her guidance, nope shed rather not do it at all if I do that. She can be focusing on a one project task and I tend to think bigger picture, long term, so I make suggestions that can be helpful for both short and long term, she just gets mad. Her most recent response was, "just go away."
> So frustrating, she claims to be excellent with communication, but in these situations I have no idea how to get through them productively.


Could you give us a 2 or 3 examples of things that you gave her advice on and that she rejected and/or got pissy?


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

GC1234 said:


> So stop giving her advice; if she didn't ask you for it, then don't give it.


Yeah, that's my first thought too.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

GC1234 said:


> So stop giving her advice; if she didn't ask you for it, then don't give it... Nothing is more annoying than unsolicited advice! Honestly, it's borderline controlling to do so.


This. Don’t offer advice when she doesn’t ask for it. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. You should use your ears twice as much as your mouth. I learned the hard way that when my wife was complaining about something, she didn’t want me to fix it, she just wanted me to listen. If your wife really wants your opinion, she’ll ask for it. If she doesn’t, shut up.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

The only answer I have found is to bring in other people. For instance my wife used to slam the front door instead of opening the number lock going out and then turning it closed from the outside. Some one visited me and on their way out in front of my wife I showed them what to do. Since then my wife also does.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Could you give us a 2 or 3 examples of things that you gave her advice on and that she rejected and/or got pissy?


The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem. 

Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.) There are basic things she doesn't know, nothing wrong with learning. She gets mad and makes comments about me doing it myself. I don't want to do it myself, I want her to help so I don't have to do Everything. 
I make suggestions about things she can do that would help prevent having to buy another item and she gets mad. I'm the saver, she is the spender.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

minimalME said:


> I agree.
> 
> It becomes oppressive to feel like you're incompetent and in need of constant correction.


Nobody said anything about constant correction. When you don't regularly do things and the other person does, maybe they have learned how to do them well. She is intelligent, but she also doesn't like any situations where it comes across that I might have more intelligence than her.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

GutShot7 said:


> Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.)


That put a different perspective on it. You have reversed roles. What does she do to make up for her non-cooking.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

minimalME said:


> I agree.
> 
> It becomes oppressive to feel like you're incompetent and in need of constant correction.


Yes!


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

GutShot7 said:


> The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem.
> 
> Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.) There are basic things she doesn't know, nothing wrong with learning. She gets mad and makes comments about me doing it myself. I don't want to do it myself, I want her to help so I don't have to do Everything.
> I make suggestions about things she can do that would help prevent having to buy another item and she gets mad. I'm the saver, she is the spender.


Not if it's unwarranted and unwelcome she doesn't have to take it! You clearly do not respect your wife's boundaries, it's clear you constantly encroach on them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem.
> 
> Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.) There are basic things she doesn't know, nothing wrong with learning. She gets mad and makes comments about me doing it myself. I don't want to do it myself, I want her to help so I don't have to do Everything.
> I make suggestions about things she can do that would help prevent having to buy another item and she gets mad. I'm the saver, she is the spender.


Is she embarrassed that she doesn't know how to cook? Do you ever let HER teach you things? And again, make sure you are telling her why she should rest the meat after cooking, or whatever, not just to do it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

examp said:


> That put a different perspective on it. You have reversed roles. What does she do to make up for her non-cooking.


Reversed Roles!??! You have to be kidding me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem.
> 
> Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.) There are basic things she doesn't know, nothing wrong with learning. She gets mad and makes comments about me doing it myself. I don't want to do it myself, I want her to help so I don't have to do Everything.
> I make suggestions about things she can do that would help prevent having to buy another item and she gets mad. I'm the saver, she is the spender.


I do the same thing as you. And I have been told time and time again, If you want someone to help you, let them do it their way. Even if they suck at it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I understand you don’t want to be told not to give advice. But I am going to tell you, that from her perspective, years and years of hearing that can wear down a person. So much that they don’t want to help you, or even be around you. 
Save your advice for important things. 

And here’s a tip... when cooking with your wife, focus on having fun, and connecting with her, not making the meal perfect and micro-managing her.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

examp said:


> That put a different perspective on it. You have reversed roles. What does she do to make up for her non-cooking.


What does she do? Around the house, only what I ask her to do. If I dont ask for her help, she doesnt do anything.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Not if it's unwarranted and unwelcome she doesn't have to take it! You clearly do not respect your wife's boundaries, it's clear you constantly encroach on them.


How is giving advice or making suggestions encroaching on boundaries? Advice is not the same as a demand.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I understand guy don’t want to be told not to give advice. But I am going to tell you, that from her perspective, years and years of hearing that can wear down a person. So much that they don’t want to help you, or even be around you.
> Save your advice for important things.
> 
> And here’s a tip... when cooking with your wife, focus on having fun, and connecting with her, not making the meal perfect and micro-managing her.


Cooking and cleaning are important things. I want to do them and do them well. Cooking together isnt about about having fun, it's about sharing the load.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> Cooking and cleaning are important things. I want to do them and do them well. Cooking together isnt about about having fun, it's about sharing the load.


Man and I thought I was type A and controlling


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> Cooking and cleaning are important things. I want to do them and do them well. Cooking together isnt about about having fun, it's about sharing the load.


You shouldn’t take life so seriously. Enjoy your wife while doing things that need to be done.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Man and I thought I was type A and controlling


It's not about control, it's about having to do 90% of the work around the house. Its exhausting.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> You shouldn’t take life so seriously. Enjoy your wife while doing things that need to be done.


I could if we did more of them together.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

GutShot7 said:


> Cooking and cleaning are important things. I want to do them and do them well. Cooking together isnt about about having fun, it's about sharing the load.


Are you saying she doesn’t clean, doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t grocery shop - what is her 10% according to you?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> It's not about control, it's about having to do 90% of the work around the house. Its exhausting.


Your wife might want to do more if you weren't so picky about how things have to be done. 

Alternatively, does she have depression?


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Bluesclues said:


> Are you saying she doesn’t clean, doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t grocery shop - what is her 10% according to you?


She does her own laundry, mostly, sometimes I end up putting it away when she doesn't. Grocery shopping is me, cleaning of the house is mostly me. She helps with an an occasional deep clean of things like the shower or toilet a couple times a year. Other than that she only does things if I specifically ask her to.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

GutShot7 said:


> She does her own laundry, mostly, sometimes I end up putting it away when she doesn't. Grocery shopping is me, cleaning of the house is mostly me. She helps with an an occasional deep clean of things like the shower or toilet a couple times a year. Other than that she only does things if I specifically ask her to.


Does she work more or make more money than you?


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

We have over the course of our marriage had quite similar careers/jobs/work schedules. Not always the same, but not too different. Income has also been similar, sometimes I have made more, sometimes she has made more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You got the "don't offer advice" from old married dudes and some female members.

It's not dumb, it's based on personal experience.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> You got the "don't offer advice" from old married dudes and some female members.
> 
> It's not dumb, it's based on personal experience.


That personal experience sucks. I've had years of it as well and I am beyond tired of it. There are successful relationships where the couple is honest with one another and they just talk it out without one of them getting pissed at the other.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The advice given on this thread is excellent.

I will come at this from a slightly different angle.

Let me expand this 'problem' we have with spousal communication.

So, let me add this. What is your response when your spouse asks you, _"What do YOU think"?._
This, after they have stated their own opinion.

At face value, you see their line of thinking is, uh, not focused, incomplete, in error.
Yes, sometimes, flat out squirrel-ly.

If you point out the flaws in their logic, this spouse gets very upset, saying you never support their ideas.

If you say, _"Hey, great idea",_ and then they follow through, and failure comes about, what say you then? That was a dumb idea?

Their answer would be, _"Well, you agreed with me, did you not?"_
Um, yep.

If you beg off and say, _"Let me think about"_, and they follow through on the idea and then it flops, of course.

You cannot say a word because you were of _NO HELP!_

The answer:
_Take the heat_ and politely point your spouse in the right direction.
Then, close your ears and hope for the best.


_KB-_


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Based on the majority of your post I will say you are just like your wife..... you don’t take advice well....it makes you snippy


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@GutShot7 - What would happen if you didn't carry the load around the house? Would she just eat junk food and let the house get dirty? 

I realize you don't like some of the answers you're getting, but the thing is, people are just trying to give their perspective. Can you see where you are getting defensive? You're way of doing things is probably great. But that doesn't mean your wife's way of doing things is necessarily wrong.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

SunCMars said:


> The advice given on this thread is excellent.
> 
> I might add that when your spouse asks you, "What do _YOU_ think"?.
> This, after they have stated their own opinion.
> ...


Not really sure what you are talking about here, lost me. 
My wife is intelligent, but lacks common sense/common skills around the house. I try to point her in the right direction and she gets mad (I believe because she doesnt have as much skill and knowledge as me there and it upsets her) and gets defensive. If I say nothing it could leave me with as much if not more work in the end. I want to help her learn so I dont have as much work on my plate.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> @GutShot7 - What would happen if you didn't carry the load around the house? Would she just eat junk food and let the house get dirty?
> 
> I realize you don't like some of the answers you're getting, but the thing is, people are just trying to give their perspective. Can you see where you are getting defensive? You're way of doing things is probably great. But that doesn't mean your wife's way of doing things is necessarily wrong.


If I dont carry the load those things wont get done. I've tried letting various things go for a while, she doesnt even consider doing them, they don't really bother her. I shouldnt have to ask every time I want her to do something. I'm mostly use to all the extra work at this point, but its exhausting.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Let me try again. You feel your way is the right way. Her way is wrong. Am I correct in that assessment?

Like it or not, you are coming across as a rather strong controlling type. I'm attempting a discussion here. You are telling me you are not sure what I am talking about.

What is I've said that you don't understand?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GutShot7 said:


> I've tried letting various things go for a while, she doesnt even consider doing them, they don't really bother her. I shouldnt have to ask every time I want her to do something. I'm mostly use to all the extra work at this point, but its exhausting.


It sounds like you have a choice: Let her be who she is, attempt to change her via instructing her what needs to be done, or just do it yourself (exhausting or not). Hey, I'm a neat freak. My late husband, not so much. But I left him to do the cooking because he was a fantastic cook. I cleaned. I did it better than him. We split the laundry. Worked for us.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Let me try again. You feel your way is the right way. Her way is wrong. Am I correct in that assessment?
> 
> Like it or not, you are coming across as a rather strong controlling type. I'm attempting a discussion here. You are telling me you are not sure what I am talking about.
> 
> What is I've said that you don't understand?


It's not that what she does is the wrong way, its things she's rarely ever done before and I try and help teach her how to do it. Especially things in the kitchen, she wants to help in the kitchen, I have lots of experience there, she has very little. I try to help teach her how to do things, nothing wrong with learning new things.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I attended cooking school, so I know a thing or two in the kitchen myself. I was fortunate that my husband worked his way through college as a sous chef. We had no issues when it came to cooking, although his passion for it far exceeded mine.

She wants to help. What is it that she's screwing up? Could you be more specific? I'd say give her credit for trying to help. Why do you think she gets defensive when you try to advise her? Has she always been somewhat defensive in areas where she doesn't excel?


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> It sounds like you have a choice: Let her be who she is, attempt to change her via instructing her what needs to be done, or just do it yourself (exhausting or not). Hey, I'm a neat freak. My late husband, not so much. But I left him to do the cooking because he was a fantastic cook. I cleaned. I did it better than him. We split the laundry. Worked for us.


For years I've mostly taken the approach of just do it all myself;cooking, cleaning, yard work, finances. It's a lot and I'm just worn down doing so much which includes cleaning up after her. I want to enjoy my house but also have other hobbies that I do for fun, but those also take time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do you plan on continuing in this relationship?

I think you should stop cooking-- and cleaning-- for her. Fix your own meals, or go eat out yourself. Something's got to change. There's no reason you need to do all of the domestic work.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

GutShot7 said:


> How is giving advice or making suggestions encroaching on boundaries? Advice is not the same as a demand.


Because she keeps telling you she doesn't want your advice and you keep giving it. Honestly, she probably got so tired of your "constructive criticism" that that's why you do 90% of the work..why do anything if you can't do it right...right?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GutShot7 said:


> For years I've mostly taken the approach of just do it all myself;cooking, cleaning, yard work, finances. *It's a lot and I'm just worn down doing so much which includes cleaning up after her.* I want to enjoy my house but also have other hobbies that I do for fun, but those also take time.


So you have to let it go. You've been enabling her and she's been riding on your coattails. She doesn't want your advice. It sounds like when you try to give her advice, she rejects it. So the ball is in your court. Clean up after yourself. Cook for yourself. Do your own laundry. Leave her to her own devices. She may come around, she may not.

Personally, I could not live with a sloppy person. That's why after my husband died, I joyfully embraced living alone,


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Because she keeps telling you she doesn't want your advice and you keep giving it. Honestly, she probably got so tired of your "constructive criticism" that that's why you do 90% of the work..why do anything if you can't do it right...right?


She never did more than the 10%.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Do you plan on continuing in this relationship?
> 
> I think you should stop cooking-- and cleaning-- for her. Fix your own meals, or go eat out yourself. Something's got to change. There's no reason you need to do all of the domestic work.


Seperate meals and eating out more would be more costly (I'm a saver, shes a spender). And not doing those things together would upset her and I dont enjoy dealing with her getting upset. My goal is to prevent her getting angry, it's less work.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> So you have to let it go. You've been enabling her and she's been riding on your coattails. She doesn't want your advice. It sounds like when you try to give her advice, she rejects it. So the ball is in your court. Clean up after yourself. Cook for yourself. Do your own laundry. Leave her to her own devices. She may come around, she may not.
> 
> Personally, I could not live with a sloppy person. That's why after my husband died, I joyfully embraced living alone,


At this point I know her well enough that I dont expect her to come around on her own. Was just hoping to find a way to make some situations a little better and improve the communication.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

GutShot7 said:


> She never did more than the 10%.


Get a cleaning lady then...what did you marry her for if she only does 10%?


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> Get a cleaning lady then...what did you marry her for if she only does 10%?


Cleaning lady costs money that shouldn't need to be spent. It's our home, if we both did our share it would be easy to take care of.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Advice, it seems, is best received from a stranger or from a 'known' expert. 
A third party's advice.

Close physical proximity (marriage, work colleagues) brings about a natural competition and eventual resentment from the mostly losing (argument) partner or person. 

No one likes that feeling of being 'thought' wrong, or thought less smart.

Pride often gets in the way of learning.

Resentment then becomes a (knee jerk) and habitual response and feeling to instruction, advice.

Nowadays, the internet is a wonderful teaching medium on so many things.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

GutShot7 said:


> It's not that what she does is the wrong way, its things she's rarely ever done before and I try and help teach her how to do it. Especially things in the kitchen, she wants to help in the kitchen, I have lots of experience there, she has very little. I try to help teach her how to do things, nothing wrong with learning new things.


You complain that she doesn’t fo anything. You say that you are exhausted. But you also say that she DOES want to help. But when she tries you keep telling her that she is doing things wrong. Let her help her or stop complaining.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

GutShot7 said:


> Seperate meals and eating out more would be more costly (I'm a saver, shes a spender). And not doing those things together would upset her and I dont enjoy dealing with her getting upset. *My goal is to prevent her getting angry, it's less work.*


Then stop giving her advice. Let her do it her way.

SO many men come here with the exact same complaint as yours - their wives whine that they don't help, but when they tried to help, they were told they weren't doing it right and to do it this way, or she'd just redo it herself. So they stopped trying. I mean, why bother? I dare say that's how your wife is feeling.


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

So you dont just want to teach but also need her help. Its like having a maid and then not being able to afford. The wife will never do cleaning again. We are only two people and my wife still has a maid for two hours on two days (shared with the other lazy neighbours since it is not worth her while to come for so little time). It is ok for a wife to have a maid or even the husband doing the housework as long as she is supervising but not the way you do it. One wonders what she does all the time. I am sorry I see no solution certainly not the ones given. I think to keep your marriage you will have to live with it.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

I can relate with the frustration of doing most of the work around the house and then when help is offered it's so hard to just accept it as is when you're thinking to yourself how you're going to have to fix it later (kids helping) or you know a much better way to do it that would be more streamlined, etc.

It's hard to know when to speak up and when not to.

From reading your comments on this thread it sounds like some resentment or frustration has been building because you feel stuck between either not receiving any help and doing it all yourself or incurring your wife's frustration when you ask her to do it in a way that is truly helpful to you.

You seem to be carrying a lot of weight, not only are you the cook and meal planne/shopper and housekeeper but you are also needing to make sure the budget works.

In my opinion it's time to sit down and have a very frank conversation with your wife about needing some help.
It sounds like she wants to be helpful but is very sensitive to correction or oversight.

So in this conversation sit down together and brainstorm about all the jobs that need to be done around the house on a daily/weekly/monthly basis and ask her which things she would feel most comfortable being responsible for.

Tell her that you notice that she gets upset when you try to share your way of doing things with her, so in the things she chooses to take on she can do it her way. And if she wants input that you'd love to be asked. Otherwise she can watch YouTube videos or google how to do certain things on her own.

If you guys can have this conversation with an open mind and you can maintain an attitude of team and not let the resentment of past frustrations seep in (ie. listing off all the things you've been doing while she does next to nothing,)
then it will be productive.
If it veers that way then table it and set a time to revisit it , sooner than later.

This is a hard talk to have but once you hammer it out, just like you would in any partnership, it makes a huge difference.

Make a plan to revisit it and check in to see how things are going in a month. That way ideas and concerns can be brought up intentionally rather than a random 'correction' when she's in the middle of doing something.

It sounds to me like she needs a sense of ownership of what shes responsible for and for you to be an encourager (cheerleader) rather than a teacher.

I could be wrong, but this advice was the answer in our marriage and it's been really wonderful since H and I worked this out with our yard work.

As for housework he is the financial provider for our household so we've agreed that I do the meal planning, shopping , cooking, laundry and cleaning. Which gives him a sense of satisfaction that I'm not bringing in actual money but I provide the type of home atmosphere that he loves.
And I would prefer to do those things than work full time.

Hope there's something helpful in there!


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

GutShot7 said:


> The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem.


Do you not see the inherent contradiction in the above two statements?

You say people should be able to take advice. You ask us for advice, and then you bat it away vigorously, telling us it is "dumb". You act exactly the same as your wife in that regard. She probably learned it from you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

GutShot7 said:


> The whole, "don't give advice comments." I'm sorry, but that is dumb. People should be able to take advice or constructive criticism. If they can't, they have a problem.
> 
> Ex. I am the one who does most of the cooking. The kitchen is more or less my domain. When she helps out in the kitchen with cooking I give her advice about things (because its not her regular thing.) There are basic things she doesn't know, nothing wrong with learning. She gets mad and makes comments about me doing it myself. I don't want to do it myself, I want her to help so I don't have to do Everything.


I can only write from personal experience. My husband is the main cook in our home. On the odd occasion that I find myself in the kitchen, in the past he has come in to give me helpful advice... and I have responded defensively. Even though in most other aspects of my life, I'm pretty good with receiving constructive criticism. In the past, this has basically led me to saying 'back off'. Cooking isn't something I particularly enjoy, and it felt more like pressure rather than giving me space to figure it out and/or eff it up of my own accord. 

We came to an understanding that I would ask for his help (and invoke patience on my part), or he might offer to see if I _want_ his help (and invoke patience on his part) rather than coming in and instructing ..ahem.. I mean helping. That has pretty much worked with us, although there still can be tension between us at times but now it becomes more like sexual tension... than defensiveness or frustration on either of our parts. And other moments, he's more accepting that my style of a dish is exactly that - it's my style.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

And it does depend on how you go about things... from both of you. Speaking of unsolicited advice, my husband asked how my study paper was going, and I told him I was struggling with it (still at the point of reading lots of research). He asked if there was anything he could do. I told him no - and admitted that I just wanted to go play piano. He suggested to stop listening to the piano music I had playing in the background. And took it upon himself to switch the music to Missy Elliott. No, I didn't want the music changed! But he did this with humor, and started doing silly dance moves in front of my desk. What's a girl to do other than join in? So yeah, I got up and started dancing with him in my study and laughing over how dorky we both looked. And I got puffed-out haha. After our goofy dance interlude, I switched it back to piano music and continued on.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

GutShot7 said:


> Cleaning lady costs money that shouldn't need to be spent. It's our home, if we both did our share it would be easy to take care of.


Does she feel that way? Or are those your thoughts?


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## Kirsty (Aug 16, 2020)

my husband is constantly "giving me advice" its so odd how when his around i suddenly don't know how to drive and need to he told how. i no longer know how to do food shopping and the way i clean is always wrong! And what's worse is when he thinks he should give me advice on how i do my hobbys that he has never done before!! 
Sorry to say but the best thing is just let her do her thing and only give advice when she asks.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't mind advice when it comes from someone who knows better than I do. For example, in my tennis circle, I am the weakest player so someone better than I am pointing out where and how to stand and so on, is welcomed.

What I don't like is advice that comes from people who know absolutely nothing like my parents, ie You don't need any IT skills to get a job. they were arrogant and clueless. They never took responsibility for the useless advice they gave me. And I remind my mother at every turn these days, how useless her advice has been.

ie. After mentioning a couple of likes I got from a Twitter remark, my mother says, why don't you get a job doing that. But mom, you told me IT skills are useless in finding a job. And you need IT skills to run a Twitter account.

I noticed this also when i was getting a divorce. I had to drop a friend because it felt as if she was reliving her own divorce. That was 20 years ago and I don't regret it all. 

My husband can also annoy me. We've agreed due to my cancer that I don't need to work (but I do collect rent so I am bringing in money) so I do all the housework around here. So it can be annoying when he tries to set standards. ie. I should wash all items for recycling. Boiling water in the water boiler doesn't make any difference in boiling pasta and so on. Maybe, Discussion Starter, this is what annoys your wife.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

For many...

The only person that does things 'right' in life, is yourself.
Right, means, the way that fits your mold, your shoes, your way of thinking.

Humble yourself, spare others your minor righteousness.

*You are not alone in this, believe me.*

We live in our own skins and naturally, find comfort 'there.

Oh, yes, we expect others to join us, as clones. To think and act as 'us'.

Be grateful that you have a loving partner, let her be herself, even if she is 'flawed' in your mind.

If you cannot accept her for who she is, then divorce, let her find a less *demanding partner.

*Demanding, in_ her_ mind, maybe not in yours.

People are not imperfect pets. We all struggle with the tools and mindset given and clumsily developed.

When you can admit your own faults and shortcomings, it becomes easier to accept others, theirs.

There is no perfect human...
The multitudes, their brethren will not hear of it.



Side note: Some of the smartest and most talented people make lousy partners.



_THRD-_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do you want to be 'right' or do you want to be happy?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

There’s a simple solution. Divide up the chores. Let her do them as she wants them done. Do not micro-manage her. If she doesn’t get her chores done, then get a cleaning lady. 

This is practical advice. Your not going to divorce over this so why cause so much drama and ruin the relationship by focusing on this point. 

As far as giving advice goes, yes you are free to do it. And she is free to say she doesn’t want to hear anymore advice. Your wife basically told you she doesn’t want to hear anymore advice. If you continue to give unsolicited advice, it’s no longer advice but a demand.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

GutShot7 said:


> When I say my spouse can't handle advice, to be more specific she can't handle it from me. When I give her advice or suggestions about something she is doing she just takes offense and gets pissy. It can be something that I usually do and she is helping out with, so I try to give her guidance, nope shed rather not do it at all if I do that. She can be focusing on a one project task and I tend to think bigger picture, long term, so I make suggestions that can be helpful for both short and long term, she just gets mad. Her most recent response was, "just go away."


Sorry, but you sound like an arrogant ass-hole. What a crock, "giving her *guidance*." 

I'll GUARANTEE you - you're coming off as arrogant or consescending and that's why she want's no part of your "advice.".


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

GutShot7 said:


> Seperate meals and eating out more would be more costly (I'm a saver, shes a spender). And not doing those things together would upset her and I dont enjoy dealing with her getting upset. My goal is to prevent her getting angry, it's less work.


And----here it is in a nutshell why you have always done 90% of the household chores and maintenance. Cuz you don't want to get her angry or upset. This is your making by not standing up for yourself for an equitable relationship when presented with a partner who is more than happy to take advantage of you..


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> For many...
> 
> The only person that does things 'right' in life, is yourself.
> Right, means, the way that fits your mold, your shoes, your way of thinking.
> ...


So true and very well said!!! Excellent post 👍


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, but you sound like an arrogant ass-hole. What a crock, "giving her *guidance*."
> 
> I'll GUARANTEE you - you're coming off as arrogant or consescending and that's why she want's no part of your "advice.".


Completely agree!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, but you sound like an arrogant ass-hole. What a crock, "giving her *guidance*."
> 
> I'll GUARANTEE you - you're coming off as arrogant or consescending and that's why she want's no part of your "advice.".


Hmmm?

I would love to be a sly fly on the wall in your house and see who wears the pants.
I suspect you wear heavy denim slacks over silk panties.

Um, I must admit, I have seen your whip, the one you hide under the bed.
I do have that crystal ball we ladies use for spying.

_Gwendolyn-_


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> For many...
> 
> The only person that does things 'right' in life, is yourself.
> Right, means, the way that fits your mold, your shoes, your way of thinking.
> ...


I screenshot this post for me! Great wisdom!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Kirsty said:


> my husband is constantly "giving me advice" its so odd how when his around i suddenly don't know how to drive and need to he told how. i no longer know how to do food shopping and the way i clean is always wrong! And what's worse is when he thinks he should give me advice on how i do my hobbys that he has never done before!!
> Sorry to say but the best thing is just let her do her thing and only give advice when she asks.


Classic mansplaining.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

What I'm getting a sense of here is that the issue of me doing most of the work and trying to give suggestions to her make me an arrogant asshole and the problems in our marriage my fault.....wow. 
My fault that she is okay with clutter and things not being clean. 
My fault that she gets emotional over so many little things. 
My fault that she feels guilty when she sees me cleaning and she isn't, but doesn't do anything about it. Yes, she has gotten upset with me when I'm cleaning because it makes her feel guilty for not doing it. 
I would love to have a chore list of some kind split up between us, have thought about that many times. Her reaction to that would be that I'm treating her like a child. 
Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy? Those aren't always mutually exclusive. And when its not about right and wrong its more about just doing things. Take the weekend for example; I view the weekend as time to get things done around the house, she views it as a time to relax. Some relaxing is fine, but when thats all it is, nothing gets done.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

So she is a person who does almost nothing as far as daily life chores and maintenance go (cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, basic cleaning so you aren't living in a hovel, yard maintenance, bill paying). Right? Instead she has a worker bee --- you--- doing everything for her, the queen bee. Several posters have told you that's crap. And to do something about it. So what are you going to do about it? You already replied to me once that you aren't going to do anything about it because you don't want to upset her or make her angry. So I guess you are stuck being the worker bee forever, right?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> What I'm getting a sense of here is that the issue of me doing most of the work and trying to give suggestions to her make me an arrogant asshole and the problems in our marriage my fault.....wow.
> My fault that she is okay with clutter and things not being clean.
> My fault that she gets emotional over so many little things.
> My fault that she feels guilty when she sees me cleaning and she isn't, but doesn't do anything about it. Yes, she has gotten upset with me when I'm cleaning because it makes her feel guilty for not doing it.
> ...


Telling someone that they are responsible for x,y,z is not treating someone like a child.

There are multiple practical ways to handle this. Make a list of things that need to be done daily, and things that need to be done weekly. Then look Over the list with your wife, and both of you pick and choose which ones you want to do. This is not treating anyone like a child, this is not telling anyone what to do. This is practical... hey these things are what needs to get done on a regular basis, so let’s pick and choose which ones we will do.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Livvie said:


> So she is a person who does almost nothing as far as daily life chores and maintenance go (cooking, dishes, grocery shopping, basic cleaning so you aren't living in a hovel, yard maintenance, bill paying). Right? Instead she has a worker bee --- you--- doing everything for her, the queen bee. Several posters have told you that's crap. And to do something about it. So what are you going to do about it? You already replied to me once that you aren't going to do anything about it because you don't want to upset her or make her angry. So I guess you are stuck being the worker bee forever, right?


I want to do something thats why Im asking here trying to figure out what I can say and do that wont upset her and still get to her to respond and help out. 



Girl_power said:


> Telling someone that they are responsible for x,y,z is not treating someone like a child.
> 
> There are multiple practical ways to handle this. Make a list of things that need to be done daily, and things that need to be done weekly. Then look Over the list with your wife, and both of you pick and choose which ones you want to do. This is not treating anyone like a child, this is not telling anyone what to do. This is practical... hey these things are what needs to get done on a regular basis, so let’s pick and choose which ones we will do.


I know its practical and not treating her like a child, but I know that is how she will see it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> I want to do something thats why Im asking here trying to figure out what I can say and do that wont upset her and still get to her to respond and help out.
> 
> 
> 
> I know its practical and not treating her like a child, but I know that is how she will see it.


So then what? You have no options. If we can all give our partners a magic pill to be better partners so we don’t have to have the uncomfortable conversation and argument we might as well marry robots. 

Change require that uncomfortable conversation. And sometimes that uncomfortable conversation causes a fight. But that’s life.

If you can’t talk to your wife about helping out more what does that say about your relationship?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What are you afraid of? That she will get mad at your and yell or that she will leave you?

Because you may think the chores are the issues in the marriage, but it’s not. It’s the fact that you can’t even talk to your wife about things.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> What are you afraid of? That she will get mad at your and yell or that she will leave you?
> 
> Because you may think the chores are the issues in the marriage, but it’s not. It’s the fact that you can’t even talk to your wife about things.


I know that is an issue and I would like it improved. Afraid of? arguments happen, but regardless of what they are about or who is in the "right or wrong" I am always the one who ends up apologizing to get things back to normal. I don't like it, but thats how it has always gone.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> I know that is an issue and I would like it improved. Afraid of? arguments happen, but regardless of what they are about or who is in the "right or wrong" I am always the one who ends up apologizing to get things back to normal. I don't like it, but thats how it has always gone.


I get it. I was in a marriage like that. And his behavior got worse and worse and somehow turned everything around on me and I apologized. 

This is emotional abuse. I hope you find the strength to put your foot down and stop allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You are a person in this marriage too, and what you think and feel should matter.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Then that's what you've allowed.

You can be kind and firm and maintain personal boundaries all at the same time.

And one good way to start is not to apologize for things you don't do. Don't manage her. Her reactions are her responsiblity, and you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort, and let it be.



GutShot7 said:


> I don't like it, but thats how it has always gone.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

minimalME said:


> Then that's what you've allowed.
> 
> You can be kind and firm and maintain personal boundaries all at the same time.
> 
> And one good way to start is not to apologize for things you don't do. Don't manage her. Her reactions are her responsiblity, and you have to be willing to sit with the discomfort, and let it be.


I know thats part of the problem, I don't like the discomfort, I want to just get past the emotion and move on. Nothing positive happens during the discomfort, just tension, which just feels like a waste of time when things could be getting done.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

It's a good time to exercise. 🙂



GutShot7 said:


> I know thats part of the problem, *I don't like the discomfort*, I want to just get past the emotion and move on. Nothing positive happens during the discomfort, just tension, which just feels like a waste of time when things could be getting done.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Girl_power said:


> Classic mansplaining.


My wife and I have a female friend who, when asked why she keeps telling her husband (a VERY experienced driver) how to drive the car said: "He steers the car. I drive it."


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

minimalME said:


> It's a good time to exercise. 🙂


That is something I have been doing more of lately


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@GutShot7 - Do you think there are other areas of your marriage that are challenging? It sounds like you and your wife approach issues of all kinds from entirely different perspectives.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

GutShot7 said:


> I know thats part of the problem, I don't like the discomfort, I want to just get past the emotion and move on. Nothing positive happens during the discomfort, just tension, which just feels like a waste of time when things could be getting done.


It’s exhausting when the argument doesn’t get anywhere and the person is a master at flipping things over to you and not taking any accountability. I understand why you don’t want to get into all that. 

If that’s the case, why micro manage her and why give her advice when you know it upsets her? Is the task being done the way you want it worth the tension? If she wants to help, encourage her to help.


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> @GutShot7 - Do you think there are other areas of your marriage that are challenging? It sounds like you and your wife approach issues of all kinds from entirely different perspectives.


Yes, there are other areas that are challenging.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I know others probably disagree, but I just don't think this is always conscious. Depending on how someone grew up, it could be second nature, and they could be completely out of touch and unaware.

That's why, with kindness, you introduce a new standard.

And when they resist, it's not necessarily because they're an evil gaslighting narcissist who wants to control you.

It's simply because it's new and unfamiliar - and it's human nature to resist change. Especially when we aren't getting our way.

So, @GutShot7, you need to brainstorm and decide what changes you want to make, and be willing to do what it takes to see those new ways though.

It's hard. It's uncomfortable. But I do believe in most cases, if both are willing, it's doable.

Now, if she's not willing, and over time she makes that clear, then that's the reality you have to deal with.



Girl_power said:


> It’s exhausting when the argument doesn’t get anywhere *and the person is a master* at flipping things over to you and not taking any accountability.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

GutShot7 said:


> My goal is to prevent her getting angry, it's less work.


I think you are in a hopeless situation if your goal is as above


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you think she gets angry because of the way you try to show her how to do things? Or does she just get ticked off no matter what? A different approach might yield a different conclusion. Something to consider ...


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## GutShot7 (Aug 2, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think she gets angry because of the way you try to show her how to do things? Or does she just get ticked off no matter what? A different approach might yield a different conclusion. Something to consider ...


Over the years I have tried different approaches, I also try to focus on my tone or the specific words I use. Sometimes it is just reaction and other times it is calculated. I just wish I didn't have to "watch what I say" so much in the relationship. I can't completely be myself because it upsets her too much.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

GutShot7 said:


> I just wish I didn't have to "watch what I say" so much in the relationship. I can't completely be myself because it upsets her too much.


Well that in itself is a dismal situation. I was married to a man who had me walking on eggshells. If I did something he considered out of line, there was hell to pay. I eventually left. But I needed to get royally p.o.'d to walk out. Never regretted it. Not for one single nanosecond.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If you want the help let her do it her way unless asked. I tried to help my wife and it was not how she would do it so i fanally said screw it. If my way/process is not good enough she can do it herself. If she is willing to help quit with the unsolicited advice(constructive criticism). It just tells her she is not doing it right. It is right for her. She can learn by trial and error like you did.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> If you want the help let her do it her way unless asked.


I can understand if doing something a certain way yields better results. ie, less mess, more economical, things last longer .......

If that get explained to me, I am very much on board..... and without a sore ego.


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