# Thread for babygurl71 Husband may be in affair



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Created Thread for babygurl71


I am so glad to know i'm not the only one having problems..i am so hurt and confused i dont know what to do...My husband of over 20 yrs started acting different the last week in September 2010 and i started asking him what was going on...i finally find out that he was having an affair...he would leave and sometimes stay gone all day and night and then reappear...it supposedly ended last week but yesterday he left to go to work and told me he would be back early.....i finally talked to him he told me he would be home in 20 minutes he never came home til this morning before work...i asked him what was going on and he said he was confused!! But he says he dont want a divorce or sepereration...i am going to pieces seems like someone plz help, I'm trying to stay strong and I know my kids need me but i have no one to talk to!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

babygurl71, sorry for your current situation, bear with us we all can help if you give some more background? In the meantime keep a clear head, no anger, try not to be anxious it wont' change anything at the moment, be patient and strong for yourself. 

A bit more info please

Do you know the OW (other woman)?

Do you work?

Does she work with him or for the same company?

Have you any evidence, text messages, emails, etc?

You and your husbands ages? 

Children don't need the ages just are they young, teenagers etc.?

Do you family close by to support you?

Have either of you had an affair before?

Respond using small paragraphs, it makes it easier to read. Give any additional information you think may be pertinent.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes, he admitted to me just recently that he was having one. But he told me last Saturday it was over.Then yesterday he went to work and then he talked to me on phone and said he would be home in 20 minutes he never came home last night. He came home before time to go to work this morning.

Here are the answers to your questions!!
1. Yes, i had been asking him and he was giving me the run around. So i started looking at cell phone records.

2. Yes, I did work but after i was so upset about this the 1st week he started acting strangely. I decided to quit (I was stressed) and he encouraged me to.

3. No, she is an old friend from school. But now it looks as if he hasn't been texting her or calling because we agreed to block her phone number. Looks like the boss (a lady) from work text him alot. But he says there is nothing going on with her.

4. He was spending quite a bit of time on computer & lots of texting, and he became very secretive with the phone.

5. He is 49 and i am 39.

6. We have 2 still at home, one is a teenager, and the other one likes a couple years.

7. We have recently moved to a new place in August 2010.
My Mom and step-dad live here, and a son and his wife.
But i didn't tell them what i suspected and now what he has confessed. I know that is what they are thinking. They do know that he leaves and doesn't come back for sometimes hours or so.

8. We have always been so close & able to talk to each other about anything with each other. But he has mentioned threesomes and things that through me for a loop.

I am so hurt and confused, he wasn't even acting like the same person but he did act like himself a little bit next week and he wanted to take me out just us without the kids. He told me it was over that it has been going on for a while like close to a year but it wasn't like this he said. He only started acting this way the last week in September 2010. I show phone records started calling and texting looks like first week in September 2010. Maybe they were talking online, but he added her to his Facebook a couple or three months ago. She was married too
but from what i understand from him and her page she is now seperated, getting a divorce i guess.

PLEASE HELP ME!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

And I think I have already been anxious and asking too many questions!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

From what I read if your husband is not being 100% open with you and giving you unrestricted access to all records, passwords, phone text messages and shares his daily activities with you then there is a strong likelihood that he is still in an affair either with the same OW or a new one. 

Privacy is going to the bathroom , secrecy is deceit. There are no secrets in a marriage. 


There are number of steps to follow 

I suspect your gut tells you your husband is still in the affair, 

You don't have cast iron evidence to place on the table however you do have his admission. 

Start looking after yourself, gain strength, eat healthy foods, go back to work, look after your health. and overall well being. For you the affair, the snooping etc is going to be exhausting.

As you are not working i am going to suggest you prepare for the worst financially. A little pin money is required to bide you over should he make off with the funds. 

Write a script that you can follow, sit with your husband , explain to him he is still in the fog of the affair, as part of the rebuilding the trust and marriage he must give full and open access to all his mail -facebook - phone accounts, text messages, phone bills, tell you of his whereabouts at all times and always return home directly after work. You will explain to him you will reciprocate as well. The aim is for you and your husband is to rebuild the bond of trust between the two of you. Use the word boundaries, him coming home late at night breaches your boundaries etc. Do not debate or argue with him you are making a statement. excuse yourself after the dialog, don't let him bully you. 

Unfortunately if your gut is right and I perceive you are correct your husband is going to lie, say you are invading his privacy and many other words other than the words required to start the processes to rebuild the trust in your marriage. 

You must be patient, never lose your cool, get angry or raise your voice. Your husband is hurting you and will continue to do so for a while. 

*Assume the worst. *

There will be mention of exposure, Plan A and Plan B 

Go to the following site and read though the Articles

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html

Main site 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

There is a further site 

AffairCare Home

Initially there is a lot of reading so start,. 

The first step is to expose this to all, this will be tough on you, you will be scared, it would be a lot easier if you had copies of the text messages of mails or some form of hard evidence at hand. You will not present the evidence to anyone as yet but you need it for your own piece of mind. A lot of snooping is the order of the day. 

If he uses the computer from home there are keyloggers you can buy to load and track the conversations and internet pages, don't choose freeware , buy a professional kit they cost circa $35 to $50 US. If you want I will find a name for you. 

There will be a lot to do , start a journal, this is for your eyes only and for you to write what you see and observe as well as the steps you will take.

In brief Plan A is is for you to be the most amazing, confident woman and wife he has ever seen, you are doing this for yourself and for your marriage. Look after your self in every department, if you are slightly heavy, trim down, if you talk loudly lower the volume etc.. You are showing control. The behaviour is one not of a doormat but a strong independently minded woman.It takes time , he will notice the change it


Anything you do that is called a love buster, like yell at him for leaving the dirty laundry on the floor you change, you make a sweet statement like "Honey you know how leaving the dirty laundry on the floor does not help when cleaning up can you please place it in the basket". etc...Remember you are not a doormat.

I can go on, this should be a good starting point.

There are a number of very good and experienced veterans on this site that will help you in each step . 

If you do not understand or need help or want to vent . ASK , SAY, VENT, the only way this goes forward is if you talk, we will listen..


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Thanks, I do have the copies of the cell phone records or some of them and i have copies of the text just not was said. He came home yesterday and i didn't get upset or holler. I didn't talk to him alot at all. He did tell me yesterday morning before going to work when I asked him where he was. That he is confused or something like that. But he also told me last weekend that the OW didn't want it to be over. We have 8 kids all together and i told one of them Sunday night that's what I thought he was doing and he said he didn't like the thought of that. I am still hurting so bad but I'm trying not to cry cause when I do he tells me to quit crying. So I'm just in a world of hurt. If I say I wanna talk about it, he says let's just forget it, we don't need to bring it up.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

A good start is to ask your husband if the affair is over, if he says yes tell him you will give him some sample no contact letter to be sent to the OW. Advise him this is a standard part of the processes to recover a marriage and stop an affair. 

Do not let him know where you get this information from, the words internet and councilors advice is all you need to let on. 

If he agrees we will give you some sample letters and a process to follow, if he declines for whatever reason then the affair is still in full swing. Exposure is the only route, let us know and we will walk you through the next steps.

In the interim focus on you, have a don't care attitude to what he says, pretty much everything that will come out of his mouth will be a lie.

Give us an update on any actions you have completed from the previous posts, if you can't remember them all buy a notebook and keep a journal of the happenings and advice, hide it well. This includes you telling us what you are doing for your own well being.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

How do I go about writing a script? If I ask him to talk he says he has already answered my questions and he doesn't want to talk anymore...So how do I go about talking to him and do I say to him Honey, you are still in the fog of the affair, Kind of help me with writing a script if you will. I know it's a lot to ask but I do hope you will help me out a lil bit.

Oh, I also wanted to say I don't know any of his passwords and I don't think he knows mine and haven't because we have trusted each other I guess. However, last weekend when we went out he let me hold on to his cell phone while he went to the bathroom which is something he hasn't let me do in quite a while, then he showed me a text from OW saying I won't bother you anymore.
But he said she wanted to remain friends and I told him that wasn't possible, that she would just want to draw him back in. He said he had taken her off his Facebook friends list but I can still see her listed. He said if it didn't take her off I will delete her again but so far that hasn't happened. I also made a suggestion that we delete our individual accounts and open one together but that hasn't happened so far either. When he gets on computer he sits where no one else can see it. HELP! HELP! HELP!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

If he declines should I tell him I'm going to expose the affair?
When i talked to the one of the sons the other night he didn't like it and I didn't even tell him all of it. I told him I suspected it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Lets have a go..

Play with the words to your form of speaking.. 


When he has come in and has eaten his meal , ask to talk to him privately without any one around:- 

Try keep eye contact and sit close to him, hold his hand casualty if you can.. 

You are assessing his body language , eye contact and verbal responses. 



> "You know that I love you and you love me (watch his eyes and body language when you say this).
> 
> I want our marriage to work and together we can make this a marriage truly amazing, one that is based on trust and love.
> 
> ...


He may want to debate argue or dispute what you say, don't argue , use words like I am listening to you, I hear you but you are not listening or hearing me. You know in you heart what I say is true. 

If he carries on excuse your self, close with "I have expressed to you what has to be done to go forward and save our marriage".

Keep the words short, don't say them like it is an demand, speak in a controlled tone, don't debate, he is the perpetrator not you so.. hold you head up high and say nothing more.. *Do not let him know what you will do next, this is your advantage not his..*

A weakness is to debate, he may try to drive you there, he will know what buttons to push, he may even choose not to talk to you, If so you write him a note and give it to him, then there is no denying what you have said. 

I will be amazed if he agrees, If he does WOW, _ask him to go onto facebook now and under the privacy settings find the block feature and block her name . He gives you all his passwords and visa versa, Don't let on that you are on this site_

_Mention that to let her know that there is to be no contact he will have to send her a letter, you will create some words tomorrow for him to review._

I will be very surprised he will agree to any of the above but lets see how serious he is....

At the end of the evening do not let a negative outcome affect you, we will talk, you must rest and carry on looking after your health and mental state and we will plan the next steps together, this is a process that sometimes you have to rush to do something and at others it takes days, so do not be alarmed.

Give us as much feedback as you can remember , try not to leave anything out 

Be strong for yourself and you children


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

One way we suggest that you use the conversation Eli-Zor has proposed above is to word it in the form of a 'respectful request' - as in 'I respectfully request that you...' 

Couch the entire conversation in terms of a request, and also in a way that shows your husband that you want to work on the marriage together - and that you need his help to do so. 

Ask for his help in rebuilding trust, in creating a safer, more secure marriage, etc.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well, I may have messed up cause I didn't get to couch the conversation or hold his hand. But anyway I told him I have wrote some things down today that I wanted to talk to him about. He listened and then he started saying why we have never done that.

So he started to say he didn't know why we was going to do that now and he asked if he didn't do it, what was going to happen, I told him I wasn't sure yet. So we was watching TV a little while later and he said so, are you going to tell me what the consequence or something like that if i don't agree to that.

I said no I'm not. So he got on the computer for a second time.
I did however, ask why did you lie? You told me it was over but it's not. So as bad as I hated to hear it, in which I already suspected it's not over. NOW WHAT!?

Although one of the kids came walking in while I was reading the things I had wrote down (at the end of it). He looked at me and told me he was coming, wanting me to stop talking. I did say I'm not hiding it from anyone no more.

He said it's none of no one's business. I just shrugged, but I did manage to keep my cool, remain in control, and not cry, so I am very proud of myself for that. So my vehicle tore up last week, so when he pulled the gone all day and night last Sunday. My kids & I were left with no way to go anywhere. When he came home Monday morning before going to work, I told him we weren't going to be stuck here like that again. So I have been taking him to work & picking him up. He looked at me last night and said are you taking me to work again in the morning and I said yes i am.

He didn't like that. Said he was gonna have to get him a vehicle.
I said well you told me you would get mine fixed. So as long as it's tore up I'll use the one you normally drive.

So after watching tv a while, with him sitting on the computer.
He finally got off and I went to bed not long after. Just a few minutes later here he came. He said oh you're not asking me to come to bed anymore or if I'm ready to. 

Again he said what are the consequences if I don't go along with that. I said I'm not sure I guess you will just have to wait and see. He said something about his privacy and I said coming in the bathroomwhen you are showering or using the bathroom would be invading your privacy. But asking you to do that isn't.

He said something like hmm or uh-huh. He then said you don't wanna say anything. I said what do I have to say? He said well you haven't been at a loss for words or something like that.
He turned over finally and went to sleep.

I got up took him to work and he kissed me bye and the son that rode with me. Last Wednesday I am pretty sure he didn't come home.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Babygurl71

This is a long post and a lot to read, I will try break this down into readable points…

Ok you did well , the first time is always the most difficult so learn from any mistakes you may have made and be even more confident next time. Even though you sounded uncertain he is worried about the consequences otherwise he would not be asking.

Do not reveal to him your next steps

I want you to assume the worse, you may end up being separated or divorcing, I am telling you this upfront. This is not going to be the result of the next set of steps it is something that may/will occur because your husband is in an affair and may have already decided to leave you. 

You carry on looking after your well-being. 

*Plan A* *him* – (this will take a couple of weeks - 6, 8, or even 10 depending on your husband and you, so be patient)

This means at the summary level you do a lot for yourself, physically, mentally and emotionally. 

What you are doing is preparing to live without him at the same time you are making yourself more attractive.

You will read the phrase* be an amazing wife*, he must see what he is going to miss e.g. if he has a favourite food and you stopped serving it to him, make him some. You are behaving the way you did when he was first attracted to you and as you know him more today you should be able to do things that please him. 

You *do not grovel* for him *or be a doormat*, this is the new you.

I gave examples before, you eat well, you start looking good, if you need to trim off a bit you start, you start taking care of you and your children in a very independent way. 

At the same time you must always try not to get emotional with him, it will be tough, you are in training, no fighting, no anger, smile lots, hold your tongue unless he is blatantly abusing you. It will hurt but you will toughen up. 

As for sex, this is your choice, normally we do not propose you stop, if however you are not in able to there is nothing wrong saying to him that his activities are hurting you and you cannot focus on him while he is in contact with the OW (other woman – user her name). 

We will use the word boundaries in a marriage. Write down a few, most are common sense things that you would do in any marriage. 

An example of boundaries is there will be no bad mouthing each other, if he does this to you, you say to you are not prepared to carry on the conversation until he respects you and walk away. 

Another example and this is the difficult one, if he is on the computer to the OW and you are certain of this, say something like,

“If you want to communicate with OW (use her name) you do so out of my family home. You are insulting me, our children our marriage and yourself.” 

Then walk away. He won’t stop so do not be too concerned. Repeat this as often as you want each and every time you catch him. He will react, not sure how yet but he will.. 

Check your finances, you have to know where you stand if your husband steps out of the house and shuts down the source of income. 

When you look at the finances you are considering your immediate position, your position in three months and then six to twelve months onwards.

Can you start looking for employment; this will give you some personal income and the self-esteem boost to help you get through the next few months. 

I do not know where you are located; if you are US based then there is a legal requirement that in the event of a separation he provides payment for your children and spousal support to you. Give us the state name and we may be able to provide more information. If you are not US based, do some research on the internet or post what country you are in, people on the forum will help you look up the information. 

The above is to give you an understanding as to what your financial position is in the event of your husband moving out and shutting down any income to yourself. 


There is no way of knowing how your husband will react during this time, you will make mistakes, we all do, pick yourself up and carry on. Do not let him pressure you or bully you into telling his the journey you are planning.

I mentioned a computer keystoke logger, do you have spare cash to be able to order one? --- if not say so. 

In your case I think you need very hard evidence of what your husband is typing on the computer, I want you to be absolutely certain of the words he is using so if the flak flies you know you are on solid ground. 

If you have to expose friends will rally around you when they see the actual words or pictures etc.. I say this as unfortunately many cheating husbands can easily make out that their wife is paranoid. 

We may still propose exposure if he does not stop with or without the hard evidence, if he has a facebook account try get all his friends detail, like the full names and email addresses. Record all his contact numbers on his phone. This will take time, don’t get caught be patient and do this when you are secure. 

A little bit of detective work, find the OW’s family details, parents, brothers, friends, phone numbers, her address, her place of work, contact details for the HR department. You are collecting as much as you can on her. This is preparation. Do not leave this information lying around. Keep it secure. 

Ask any questions?.

If your husband asks what you are going to do smile and walk away or ignore him, let him worry. 

Be strong in this, breathe deeply and look after yourself.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes, I believe he is worried about the consequences. He asked several times. Yes, I understand that but I have asked him if he wanted to seperate or divorce and he said no. That he had thought about seperating but he doesn't want to. So I don't know what to think.

I will try to be patient and strong my goodness it is so hard. So if he says he is going somewhere, I should not get upset, cry, say anything, or act like it bothers me at all. Is that what you mean by grovel?

He leaves his clothes on the floor everywhere and stuff like that, but I usually pick them up, is that being a doormat?

Yes, I am pretty sure that's who he was talking to last night. After I read what i had wrote down he went and got on computer. Then my kids & I decided to ride over and see some family. We got up got ready to go and he was on computer
he said I said I wanted to go. I said ok how long before you will be off computer he said now. Cause we was going without him & I don't think he liked that idea.

But when we returned home he got back on the computer, but our cell phones were cut off Monday because of the high bill he ran up from talking to her & texting her. So he now wants to get prepaid phones, and I definately plan to say that boundary the next time he gets on there and I believe he is talking to her.

Yes, I am located in the United States, Arkansas is the state I live in. As for the computer keystroke logger, if it's not too much I should be able to. But where do you get them? We each have a laptop but our children use them also. I don't want them to know that is on there.

I also wanted to say I do have some stuff hid away & I have now discovered her address, home phone, email address, & where she works if the email is correct. I know she is seperated from what I read and may be divorcing, I now know her hubby's name.

I don't plan to answer when he asked me that. I'm gonna let him stew over it. He seemed a bit restless last night tossing and turning. 

I have a question though...If he goes somewhere and stays gone all day & night. When he reappears should I just act like I didn't even know he was gone? Don't even comment?
I don't know what to do since there is only one vehichle working. But would it be smart to buy a camera and get someone to watch the kids for me and borrow a vehicle and see if he is going to her house...and if so take pictures of the truck parked there, if it is?

And I also want to say THANK YOU so very much, it is such a big help and relief to have someone to talk to during this. I wouldn't wish this on no one. I thought I was going to explode before I found this website. Cause if I said anything to people they would tell me to leave or kick him out and I desperately want to save my over 20 yrs of marriage if at all possible..Thanks again!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> That he had thought about seperating but he doesn't want to. So I don't know what to think


.

Deal with this at the time you have more than enough on your mind.



> he says he is going somewhere, I should not get upset, cry, say anything, or act like it bothers me at all. Is that what you mean by grovel?


Don't beg, plead or bend over backwards for him, you are two equals in the marriage. Ask him where he was? You are entitled, if he says at her place don't flinch, Carry on as if you do not care. 




> He leaves his clothes on the floor everywhere and stuff like that, but I usually pick them up, is that being a doormat?


If this irks you and you say something out of turn it is a love buster, change the way you deal with it, Ask him very nicely to place his clothes in the laundry basket. If he chooses to ignore you don't wash them, place them in them in a pile on his side of the bed and leave them. Respect comes both ways, if he complains say in ever so sweet a voice "Honey I asked you to help me and put them away. " He may be stubborn and say cool and carry on being a mess , don't get annoyed.



> So he now wants to get prepaid phones, and I definately plan to say that boundary the next time he gets on there and I believe he is talking to her.


Yes indeed the prepaid allows him to lie even more. 



> Yes, I am located in the United States, Arkansas is the state I live in. As for the computer keystroke logger, if it's not too much I should be able to. But where do you get them? We each have a laptop but our children use them also. I don't want them to know that is on there.


Computer and Internet Monitoring Software 

Keylogger | Remote Computer Monitoring Software With Keyloggers | Web Watcher Now 

Both the above are around $100 dollars , I will look for the other software that cost less, assuming they are still in business. 

As he is such a prolific user of the Internet I guess this is the most obvious way to catch him. 

flexispy will log incoming and outcoming calls and the content of text messages. You have to download the software using the phone and install it. Costs from $149 to $349 at flexispy.com




> I also wanted to say I do have some stuff hid away & I have now discovered her address, home phone, email address, & where she works if the email is correct. I know she is separated from what I read and may be divorcing, I now know her hubby's name.


Try find her husbands details, her parents, friends, any other contacts you can get. For the work look up the HR departments number and see if you are able to find out who her boss is. 




> I have a question though...If he goes somewhere and stays gone all day & night. When he reappears should I just act like I didn't even know he was gone? Don't even comment?


You have a good idea where he has been so don't fight it out, your evidence and exposure will do all that for you. Be calm and patient. 

I mentioned sex before, with his behavior you say until you have an STD test the answer is no. 



> don't know what to do since there is only one vehichle working. But would it be smart to buy a camera and get someone to watch the kids for me and borrow a vehicle and see if he is going to her house...and if so take pictures of the truck parked there, if it is?


Yes, buy or borrow a camera as long as the picture is clear and the flash works, you are snooping , be careful, don't get caught and gather evidence. Be calm and do not let on what you are doing. 

We are here to help , there is no right way or wrong way just a difficult way forward and you will stumble on the journey. You have to be as cunning or more than your husband he is arrogant to be talking to her while you are there. 

Be strong and brave.. remember you are in Plan A , you will be amazed how much stronger you will get.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

In your early post you wrote..



> Although one of the kids came walking in while I was reading the things I had wrote down (at the end of it). He looked at me and told me he was coming, wanting me to stop talking.* I did say I'm not hiding it from anyone no more.
> 
> He said it's none of no one's business.* I just shrugged, but I did manage to keep my cool, remain in control, and not cry, so I am very proud of myself for that.


You were present , to you was he acknowledging the affair? Think about the discussion before you answer. 

We may want to do an initial blast to all those he would care for telling them he is in an active affair.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Plan A and how many are there?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Plan A....well how many are there?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Plan A and Plan B 

Plan A is while husband is at home and could be for period if he leaves, depends a lot on the situation on the ground, most of the time it is recommended to run plan A for 6 weeks, then swap to plan B. 

Plan B normally but not always is when husband leaves home.

look at the link below it gives you more info 


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I do suggest you buy the book "Surviving an affair", referred to in the link .


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well, he didn't come right and say that right then but he doesn't want me to say anything to anyone. When he was on the computer and asked me something i think about the consequences...I did however ask why did you lie? You did lie right? And he said yeah I guess I did. Then I said is that where you were Sunday night? And he just looked at me, he would not answer.

But 2 or 3 weeks ago my mom tried to call him and he never answered or returned calls to her. Then on this day he had left it was on a Sunday and to my surprise he came back home, well i had rode to wal-mart with my mom. He called me wanting to know where I was and all. So when I got back I came on home. Well, a few minutes later my Mom showed up with one of our daughter in laws and him and I were in the bedroom talking or I was trying to talk to him. An she told my youngest son tell your Daddy to come here I want to talk to him. He came told him and he said oh no or something to that effect. Then he told me go in there and talk to your Mom. So she came in the bedroom and was talking. He didn't wanna face her. An she asked him if he was running around with some woman and he denied it to her, but he had already admitted it to me.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

OK - so who else knows about the affair


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

He told me on the 15th of October that he had a one time thing. This was after I had started asking him why he was acting so different. He didn't start acting like this til the last week in September and then later on in October he told me, it had been going on for a year but not like this. But he has lied so much I don't know what to believe. I only know he WAS NOT leaving and staying gone all night or acting like this until last week of September2010.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

No one that I know of except for him, me, & the OW.

There are some who suspect it i know. My Mom is one of them.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

There was one day after I started asking him questions that he told our kids that are still at home, oh your Mom thinks I'm having an affair and she is just acting crazy. Cause I'm not. 

The same Sunday my Mom talked to him he told me, He wasn't ready to talk to me about it yet, but at that time I didn't know who she was or anything. Then he made a remark that IT WOULD PASS.
But then he told me he was confused.

He also told me this had nothing to do with me or the kids. It was him. But he has also made some strange remarks about getting old and stuff.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Well here goes..

When he gets home have the one more talk.

Ask him directly if her is going to stop commenting adultery. 

If he say Yes .. let him know that he has to break off all contact with her immediately , same conversation as before about access to phone, email passwords etc.

If the answer is anything else but a YES with full agreement to the requirements you thank him and walk away. 

You give yourself time to think and clear your head, 

You tell you mom and ask her to support you, 

You call his parents and do the same 

the words are

Dear __________, I would like to ask you to support ___________
and myself in restoring our marriage which currently is 
undergoing an extremely difficult time due to ____________ and _________________ being involved in an adulterous affair which is affecting our marriage and both of our physical and mental health. I know you care about ____________ and want only the best for him which clearly being used in an adulterous affair is not. I would like to ask your help in recommending marital counseling to him to guide us through this difficult spot in our marriage. 


Thank you. _______________


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Oh and also I'm not supposed to ask him where he going or who is calling him on the phone. But yet it's ok for him to ask me!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

He may choose to leave , so do not be scared if he does. 



> Dear __________, I would like to ask you to support ___________
> and myself in restoring our marriage which currently is
> undergoing an extremely difficult time due to ____________ and _________________ being involved in an adulterous affair which is affecting our marriage and both of our physical and mental health. I know you care about ____________ and want only the best for him which clearly being used in an adulterous affair is not. I would like to ask your help in recommending marital counseling to him to guide us through this difficult spot in our marriage.
> 
> ...



The post above is a template you can follow when you speak to them and it the template you use when you mail them.


You tell the truth nothing more nothing less. When this is done prepare to tell his friends and other relatives, use the template above.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

His Mom passed away in 2007 and he doesn't have much to do with his Dad.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Oh and also I'm not supposed to ask him where he going or who is calling him on the phone. But yet it's ok for him to ask me!!


You carry on asking he is your husband, 

You must still continue to collect evidence. Do start that journal it help you log everything. 

read Tilly's thread as well. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18048-i-havent-seen-thread-like-one.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

What about brothers,sisters,aunts,uncles?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> His Mom passed away in 2007 and he doesn't have much to do with his Dad.


Siblings or some on close to him?. 

if there is now one you may very well have to go directly to his closest friends via the mail option.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> What about brothers,sisters,aunts,uncle


Yes Yes Yes . .. I assume he still talks to them


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

yes i did start a journal i went back to 09/26/10

What about our children?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> What about our children


How old are they???...

The process is to tell them, you have to be careful about the when , if it is obvious to all in the house that something is very wrong the you do have to talk to them soon. There is a way to do this without them feeling that it is their fault. 

Once you have told the the family, you should sit together and tell the children, I think he will baulk to do this or may chose to blame you. 

We will talk close to the time


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

He is mad at some of them...over things that happened when his Mom passed but how soon do you think I should do this?

That thread is no longer available.....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> The more your children know about your husband's affair, the more careful he will be to avoid them in the future.
> 
> The more your children know about his affair, the more they will understand what you are going through in your recovery
> 
> ...


An extract from Dr. Harley


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> He is mad at some of them...over things that happened when his Mom passed but how soon do you think I should do this?


Does he still talk to them and will they support you? do they care or more importantly does he care?

The thread , try again 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/18048-i-havent-seen-thread-like-one.html


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes, our youngest child is starting to get mad and yet he continues to try and call him when he goes off and stays like that, He is 11 yrs old..The 14 yrs old hasn't said anything I don't know if he is just holding it in or what. This has been and is still very hard we have all always been so close and spent most of our free time together. Now it feels as if we barely see him.


We have 8 altogether, he has 5 from a previous marriage, I have one from a previous marriage and we have 2 together. But we have been married for a long time over 20 yrs and they range from 11yrs.-to 28 yrs I think. And there mother passed away about 12 yrs ago....we talk to all of them but one and she doesnt talk too much but there was a fallen out.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

And Thank Goodness our Grandchildren are too young to understand.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I am sorry if I am asking too many questions. But how costly is marriage counseling? We may not be able to afford it and I'm sure that is what he will tell me.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The adult children must be told they are old enough to understand talk to them and mail the note to them. Keep to the script and if the are against you do not enter into an argument, tell them he admitted the affair to you and has not stopped. 

It's the younger children you have to be delicate with, I have no doubt they know something is amiss. Children are not stupid.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Some of them he does and they care and I am sure some of them will support me.

This was a message I sent one of them this morning and he hasn't been talking to her.

What I said....Do you care about me, love me, or consider me a part of your family?
If you knew about something important that I needed to know, would you tell me? No matter what it was? 


and her reply was.....well yes i care and yes i love you and yes you are apart of the family and yes if i knew something important to tell you i would..no matter what it was.and would hope you would do the same to me. 


I haven't told her so far cause I have been ashamed and I am sure she will tell everyone....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> I am sorry if I am asking too many questions. But how costly is marriage counseling? We may not be able to afford it and I'm sure that is what he will tell me.


unless you are covered by healthcare it will cost you. Counseling can be in many forms, a pastor, someone to talk to ,even reading a set of books and practicing what you read. 

Not everyone goes to a councilor often it is a combination of the books and forms like this that help the most. 

When it comes to that we will help you.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes I think they do too. Because the youngest one told him he was mad at him and he said why?

And he said because you keep going off and staying gone like that. The youngest one even blamed me a couple weeks ago and I told him that Our child thought it was my fault. And he told him that it's not your Mom's fault, it's my fault.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Some of them he does and they care and I am sure some of them will support me.
> 
> This was a message I sent one of them this morning and he hasn't been talking to her.
> 
> ...


Well when ready you can let them know, if they are using their common sense they will know right from wrong..


Remember even if your husband says YES .. you still tell the family , the difference is in the process and the words. 

I do doubt that he will say YES


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Ok I know we need it, I even told him the other day that I did.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tonight you must keep your head clear, when ready if not this evening but tomorrow start calling the family and sending out the mails assuming he is not on board, if he is he commits to full transparency there and then and no contact with her.

From Tanelornpete post to Tilly, 




> This is an opportunity for you to reiterate the conditions for his return home:
> 
> 1) "No Contact" letter (and No Contact)
> 
> ...


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

In the quote part, is for if he leaves?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

For you this is tonight if he agrees to stop the affair also for if he leaves the minimum criteria to come back into the marriage


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Some reading for..

Seven Steps To Ending An Affair?

The Purpose Of No Contact

Sample No Contact Letters


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

If he asks me where i come up with all this tell him the internet and a counselor...and then if he agrees which i dont think he will you will help me with the no contact letter, right?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

and never tell him what i plan to do next.....true


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The internet is a good answer ,, affair care site and marriage builders.. Keep him off here for the moment this is your refuge. 

the link for the sites are sites are:

AffairCare Home

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.htm

Save the links on the laptop, he may learn something



> and never tell him what i plan to do next.....true


Yip keep one step ahead.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

So if he says yes i can give him a copy of the purpose of no contact


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> So if he says yes i can give him a copy of the purpose of no contact


Only if he agrees to the three primary conditions.. 



> 1) "No Contact" letter (and No Contact)
> 
> 2) Absolute transparency
> 
> 3) Commitment to work on the marriage


No sort of, no maybe ,no perhaps , total agreement. 

Don't get your hopes up he is likely to say no or waffle.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

If he says yes and agrees then tomorrow you print out the sample "no contact letter" and together agree the one to use, Don't let him water the letters down,

I suggest he mails this to her with you present , he hand rights writes and signs one that you send recorded mail. "Then there is no I was forced to do this by my wife". Keep this info close to you as this does happen.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Recorded d mail?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lol..typo.. .. registered or fedex something she has to sign for


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

So he needs to rewrite the letter in his own handwriting and sign it then send it where she has to sign for it


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> So he needs to rewrite the letter in his own handwriting and sign it then send it where she has to sign for it


Again this is if he says yes..

You both choose a suitable letter, he mails the NC letter from his mail account to her mail account with you present. 

he then handwrites the letter and signs it in your presence, you post or fedex to her. 

If you fedex it she signs for the delivery of the letter. 

All it tells her is that your husband is serious about ending the affair.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

He didn't come home, I am sitting here crying now. I just wanna scream, he told me he would be here for Thanksgiving and he is off tomorrow. She must have come picked him up from work or something. I am so upset, I don't know what to do and the kids are asking me, Where is Daddy?

Oh, I don't know if I'm tough enough for this or not....this is just so wrong!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I wonder what's gonna happen next, is she gonna bring him home to the front door?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be patient

Wait and keep an eye open, if she does go outside and raise hell at he top of your voice that he is bringing his "woman" to the family home. You need the scene as your confirmation he is playing around. 

Start planning what you say to everyone tomorrow, get the mails ready to send out , you might as well keep busy.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

babygurl71

If your husband does not return home tonight/today, call the OM's number use the excuse you are concerned he may have been in an accident and if he is not there you may have to call the police.. it is a bluff wait and see her response. If he is not their according to her do call the police as he may have had an accident. I suspect you doubt it but as a caring wife this is what you would do. 


In the interim , only if you are certain he is in the affair with the OW (as you said by his own admission ), call the family and update them as to what is happening.

Best wishes. 

Do be strong for yourself and your children.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

There has been no sign of him, no phone calls or anything. I last talked to him to yesterday, he called me and ask me to bring him some sandwiches and that was between 4:30-5:00 pm. I asked if I needed to come get him from work or if he was getting the co-workers to bring him by since they were all working in town we live-in. He said he wasn't sure yet, he would have to see. But I know my kids are really confused this morning and I don't know what to say!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

If he doesn't have either of our vehicles, then someone had to have taken him somewhere or picked him up. So it's really strange to me, He has never told me her name himself, but found out who it was from phone number, which i had asked him if it was her already but he said no they were just friends. I had seen her box up on facebook one morning before he left and stayed gone all night. Well one of the mornings anyway. But I told him I knew who it was & he had a look on his face when I said the name. He said ok so now you know, let's don't bring it up anymore ,it's over.

He also told me he deleted her from his facebook, which he didn't, so I am pretty sure it's her. So now I have no cell phone, and our house phone doesn't have long distance.

Do i need to handwrite the letters I am going to mail? I should call them and use it as script and then if they agree to support me, mail them a letter. Do I have it right?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

This is going to stress you, do not vex yourself. 

Do the following, start having conversations with your family, your adult children and his. Mail those who you cannot get through to today. 

Tell the the truth that he admitted he is an affair, he has not come home, you believe he is at the OW house, ask them to support you in saving your marriage. Follow the letter format, you do nothave to use the exact words.

Do so today, this evening and through to tomorrow, send the letter to those you do not get through to. 

Key here is to contact and speak to as many of the adult children and family as you can today, tonight and tomorrow. 

Work on your words before you call them and keep calm. Do not diss him and try keep to the script. 

If you have the OW's home number call and ask to speak to your husband, let her know you have to call the police as he is missing and you will be giving them her address. Rock her boat

In all of this do not fight get excited to lose you temper, especially with the OM. 

For the children at home, once you have done all the above, sit with them and say that daddy has a girlfriend, you do not agree with it and you are doing your best to save your family, Please comfort them make sure they know it is not their fault, do not let them think they are in the wrong. 

Be strong .. and start the process now. 

If your husband does come home after all this do not tell him what you did or who you spoke to. No fighting call on your inner strength.

Start on the journey today. You husband is effectively abandoning his family so take action now. 

Tomorrow start searching for advice on protecting yourself financially, I will PM someone here and ask the to look at your thread, they have more knowledge in this area. 


If at the end of the day if your husband does come come and says he was drunk etc somewhere it does not matter that you have told the family as he has admitted the affair to you.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

When I say mail I mean email if you do not have their email addresses send a mail in the post and no if you have spoken to them you do not have to send them a letter or mail, the letters can be typed or handwritten whatever you prefer.

I have to be in meetings for the rest of the day to your time 12:00. If you are unsure don't do anything, you have time..


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BTW, with things being the way they are, you might want to start taking steps to make yourself more independent. Like getting a cell phone that you control, or a home line that you can call long-distance on. 

C


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

The home phone is in my name, I just didn't put long distance on it because we had the cell phones.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I tried to call the numbers for the OW but one was out of service and the other one now belongs to someone else.

Should I load my kids up and go check out the home address for the OW?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Back the meeting was short …

To help you summarise :-

Your husband in having an affair, he has admitted this to you

None of your family or friends know this, some may suspect
You have identified the OW, he has used words that have not denied this - he said “ok so you know”

Your husband has on a number of occasions not come home.

There is no hard copy evidence e.g. text messages, recording etc. 

You should be able to look at the mobile phone bill to confirm the number he texts and calls. 

So to agree the next steps..

You tell your immediate family (mother, adult children, brothers , sisters, his and yours) , you phone them if they do not answer, you email them and/or send them a letter. 

You sit with your younger children and tell them as well, choose your words carefully. They will be looking at you for security and for support. 

Today as your husband is not at home, call the OW ask to speak to him, if he is there tell him to come home and respect your marriage, if not call the police he may have had an accident. If they come to your house great, give them all the info they ask for, including the OW address do not forget to tell them she says he is not there. 

They may do nothing, if your husband comes home let him know you called the police as he was missing. 

Can you find out the OW’s husbands number, start enquiring, this may take time, you may find that he is not divorcing and does not know of the affair, or he can confirm the affair or he may choose not to tell you anything. 

Tomorrow , you start researching on the internet for legal advice in the event of a separation.

Call his work , ask to speak to his supervisor or boss, explain that the family is under stress and your husband has not been coming home and there are rumours he is having an affair. I used the word rumour on purpose; he must keep his job to support you. You are asking the supervisor/boss if this is true or if something else is happening at work that is causing this behaviour form your husband. 

You carry on with Plan A, be strong, this is for you to improve yourself, in your eyes and his.

Look after yourself, Every step you take must be forward no matter how small the step is.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Or I could try her cell number!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I posted the above before I read your post on the OW's number. Your time can be better spent calling close family and letting them know.

You can go for the drive to see if the address exists, only if you are very strong or have someone to support you I do not suggest you go and knock on the door.

If you have the cell call it. .


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes, I have copies of some phone records and it shows her cell number.....so i do have that proof.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I just tried to call the cell phone but there was no answer.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

So focus on calling your family , stay focused and stop looking for him. Use your words when you talk to them. You do not have to mention counselling in the verbal conversations, you do mention he has not come home.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I did call his work cell phone and the guy that he works with has it, he told me he hasn't seen him since last night.

I told him if he heard from him to tell him I was getting ready to file a missing persons report. So he needed to call home.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The message will spread.
Now call your family and children..


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I was told this morning by my Mom that my step dad was told he had another job going over the road, but if that was the case why wouldnt he tell me? So i thought nothing else about it.

Now my Mom just called me again and she said someone come to me this morning and I'm not gonna tell you who it is they asked me not to . But they said he is hanging with some people that are into drugs and things, that's it's not another woman. 

What do I do? She said this person told her they know that for a fact.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

That is easy to verify, you drive there and check it out for yourself..


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

they didn't tell her where i dont guess!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

So it wouldn't be a good idea to go to the supposed OW's house?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Or what if one of the older children went and I just rode with them?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well 2 of the older children are coming over here to our house. I told my Mom but I got the feeling she didn't think I should save the marriage or even try but I do believe she will support me but she is mad at him I do think.

I guess it could be a combination of and affair and drugs, I'm not really sure. I can't stop crying, I'm having to wipe my face off with a wet rag as I am typing. I did call his boss lady and a co-worker but I got 2 different stories somehwhat, so I feel someone is not being honest there.

Should I just ignore the fact that he has stayed gone all night and Thanksgiving Day that he should have been with his family?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

The OW wouldn't answer her cell phone but she is on Facebook now talking and LOLing!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go through the posts and keep a log of what you have to do and when you have done it, follow the advice and let us know how it is going. 

I posted to you a number of links for you to read; you have to spend some time reading through those links to understand the process of the cause of the affair and recovery of the marriage.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I had told 2 of the older children,my mom,2 brothers. I have been reading some. And when he comes back home I shouldn't say anything just act normally, Right?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Yip behave normally, even if he finds out and starts shouting carry on Plan A'ing him.

Call the rest of the adult children and let them know. 

Write the remaining steps down and complete the actions. It is like baking  a cake, each ingredient has to be added, do not miss any ingredients. 

Remember he may have had an accident so call the police your husband is missing, he may, in all seriousness be in hospital or something, unlikely but you just do not know.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

How long does it have to be before you can list them as a missing person? Should I just say he is missing or what?

Should I say the address where I think he might be?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

one of the adult children is not where I can contact them and one just told me she didnt care about me basically and the other one dont ever talk to us.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> How long does it have to be before you can list them as a missing person? Should I just say he is missing or what?
> 
> Should I say the address where I think he might be?


You may have to call to find this out, some counties say 48 hours other are less, call and ask. If they take the call and come to see you by all means be honest and give the address but do make sure they know that you do not know as the last time you spoke to he did not say he was not coming home. 

If you can't list him as missing and if he does not return tonight, wait and be patient, as soon as the time limit is reach list him as missing.

Who's children have been told, yours or his..if they are his only be aware his children may not support you. 

For the remainder of today carry on with life, have a good day with your children and do not fret. Nothing is going to change in the next few hours or even until tomorrow so rest easy. 

if you have access to the OW's facebook and can see her friends list note their names and mail addresses, this may be used in the future. 

Read the links, clear your head, play with your children.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I called the police they are supposed to come by, do i say there could be another woman involved? He will be so mad at me when he finds out I did this!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I give all the info to the officer and he got my home number and told me he would put it in and if he heard anything he would give me a call. I am worried cause he hasn't ever went this long without talking to someone. 

The two of his children I have told was supportive and I still have to tell mine, one adult child and the 2 that live in the house.

I have been reading the links, I'm just worried!!


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## misscrawford35 (Nov 25, 2010)

The best thing you can do in a situation like this one is to leave it alone. When you know he is going to be off from work, and he decides he wants to drive somewhere, offer to go with him. Maybe there is something you are not doing right in the relationship. Maybe he decided he just wanted to see someone fo the time being because of the pressures of being at home and having problems at home....Newsflash...... no matter how bad you want things to change or what you decide to make him do to prove to you that he is not going to see this other woman, he is still going to do what he wants. The trick to this mess is, start leaving and hanging out at the shopping center, test some cologne, and come home smelling like the cologne. You cannot fall weak, you have to show him you don't really care! Or, simply get a cell phone and when you need to, confide in another man. When he leaves the house to go to work, act as if you are happy to see him go. Trust me! What is he gonna do except open his mind to the possibilities of losing his wife! All he is going to think about is the fact that he made things bad and start to think about the consequences of alimony. Think about it for a minute. Are you going to mope around, or are you going to be that free spirit he perceived you not to be. Come on, Get it together, You have the power......


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## misscrawford35 (Nov 25, 2010)

Another thing... If he is spending too much time with another woman....and not coming home in a 24 hour time period...He doesnt want you! Get your evidence and file for a divorce!!!!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well, that's not what he said!! He said he didn't want a divorce!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Carry on exposing and Plan A ing him. Be patient, please do remember to improve yourself, whatever the outcome you will be a stronger and better person.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well I have exposed the affair, he has not come home 3 nights in a row now although I did see him briefly yesterday but not for long.
He acted like he was mad. He hasn't taken his clothes or anything all of that is still here.

So I don't know if he has found out he was exposed and reported missing and he is now mad about it? Do they usually get mad when it is exposed?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Run Plan A, do not worry what he does or thinks, you better yourself. This can take up to 6 weeks, so start counting down. 

If he indicates he want to recover the marriage keep to the lines..

Total transparency , you want to know all, he must be open and honest.

A No Contact letter

Full commitment to rebuild the marriage.


This weekend you spend some time reviewing your financial position, start looking for employment and do some research on legal separation in the event he does not come back and you are exposed financially. 

Keep on track and focus on you and your children

I will be open with you this is a strange thread and I hope you are not a troll, for the moment I am going to assume not.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

what is a troll?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> The content of a "troll" posting generally falls into several areas. It may consist of an apparently foolish contradiction of common knowledge or a broad request for trivial follow-up postings.
> 
> Trolls can be costly in several ways. A troll can disrupt the discussion on a newsgroup and damage the feeling of trust in the newsgroup community. Furthermore, in a group that has become sensitized to trolling — where the rate of deception is high — many honestly naïve questions may be quickly rejected as trollings. This can be quite off-putting to the new user who upon venturing a first posting


As I said I assume you are not, some of your postings have been unique.......don't let my comment stop you I had to ask the question , so do carry on .

As for his reactions , everyone if different. Carry on as before.

Any questions?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Go to the following:

MB site:----

Articles

Affairecare site:----

Articles

Both sites give you a good background and the steps we are following.....


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

No Mam I'm not a troll...I am just worried and I know I have got to do better.

Ok I will go and read these articles.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> No Mam


Lol...


best wishes


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

oops are you a sir?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

....or a school teacher :yawn2:


Is your husband back or still staying away from home.

Please do some research on a legal separation if he chooses not to return and take that drive to find the OW's hose. Hard evidence of where he is staying is indisputable especially when it comes to money, if he is with the OW he has minimal cost to bear. 

Keep on track


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

He came home last night...acted like he hasn't even been gone..wanting to be all nice..then wanted to snuggle and hug when we went to bed....he left and went to work...he had called me 2 times today...and said he would call me when he got off work, to come pick him up...and he wouldnt be late..but the last time I talked to him it was 1:30pm.

He also wanted me to go buy him a prepaid cell phone but I didn't!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

well i asked him this morning if he planned on continuing to commit adultery and he said I'm not.....but i said you already admitted it!!

He got mad because I asked that.....


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have to obtain some hard evidence of his whereabouts, a photograph etc will do, he must be in contact with the OW. If this is during work hours they can both be fired, having your husband fired is not in your best interests however having the OW removed is. Hard evidence is required.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

They do not work at the same place. She is not a co-worker but I believe he is calling her and vise versa on his work mobile phone. That is how they are communicating now. He has no personal cell phone at this time.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

That why you must dig, look at the phone, check where he stays, do what you must do to get evidence...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay, babygurl71, I've read over all 8 pages of your thread here, and here's what I see. When you started this thread 11/22 you said: 


> ... i finally find out that he was having an affair...he would leave and *sometimes stay gone all day and night and then reappear.*..it supposedly ended last week but yesterday he left to go to work and told me he would be back early.....i finally talked to him he told me he would be home in 20 minutes *he never came home til this morning* before work...i asked him what was going on and he said he was confused!!


and


> I am so hurt and confused, he wasn't even acting like the same person but he did act like himself a little bit next week and he wanted to take me out just us without the kids. He told me it was over that it has been going on for a while like close to a year but it wasn't like this he said. He only started acting this way the last week in September 2010. I show phone records started calling and texting looks like first week in September 2010. Maybe they were talking online, but he added her to his Facebook a couple or three months ago. She was married too but from what i understand from him and her page she is now seperated, getting a divorce i guess.


Then there were a few pages where you were kind of freaked out, going back and forth with Eli-Zor. 

Then a few days later--on 11/24--you wrote: 


> He didn't come home, I am sitting here crying now. I just wanna scream, he told me he would be here for Thanksgiving and he is off tomorrow. She must have come picked him up from work or something. I am so upset, I don't know what to do and the kids are asking me, Where is Daddy?


On 11/25 your mom said someone told her he had another job "over the road" (trucking, right?) and someone else said he was doing drugs

On 11/2X you reported him missing to the police

On 11/29 he finally came home! You wrote: 


> He came home last night...acted like he hasn't even been gone..wanting to be all nice..then wanted to snuggle and hug when we went to bed....he left and went to work...he had called me 2 times today...and said he would call me when he got off work, to come pick him up...and he wouldnt be late..but the last time I talked to him it was 1:30pm.


So he tried to pretend "nothing unusual happened" even though* he missed Thanksgiving and was nowhere to be found for days*!! And when you asked him if he intended to continue committing adultery, he got mad about it. 

That's about where we stand now, right? Basically we have a guy who goes missing for days at a time, and you don't really know where he does or does not go. He's clearly covering something up and being less than truthful to you, and he seems to have had something going with an old high school friend--may be over, may still be going on. And all this is pretty much driving you CRAZY because it hurts so badly and he keeps acting like it's you or there's nothing wrong. 

I would like you to print this post out okay? The best way to figure out what to do and how to handle it, is to figure out exactly what IT IS that you're dealing with! Maybe he does have another job. Maybe he has a mistress. Maybe he has another house set up with her and goes there a couple nights a week. Maybe he's doing drugs and is so out of it he doesn't come home. Maybe it's all of the above! At this point, we can't honestly be sure, and it's impossible to help you figure out how to handle it until we know what IT is. 

*So step #1 has got to be to Gather Evidence*. The goal of gathering the evidence is not to prove to him what is going on and make him admit. Shoot he may never admit even if you catch him red-handed! But if you gather evidence and you KNOW what's going on, no matter how bad "it" is...then at least you'll know where you stand and what you're dealing with. So this is for YOU--to find out what is affecting your life and our marriage. Okay? 

Here are some practical tips for Gathering Evidence: 


Keep a journal of your spouse’s reported activities. Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc. Your journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talk to other people, etc. A cheating spouse is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.
Keep track of all incoming phone calls. Record the time and number of all calls.
Plan a surprise visit to work, or come home at unexpected times, or make announcements about having to work late, but then come home early, etc.
Keep track of your spouse’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, phone records, etc.
If you can, check your spouse’s call log. Look for an unusual amount of phone calls. Keep in mind that cheating spouses often store their lover’s phone number under someone else's name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.
You can also purchase surveillance equipment (hidden cameras and voice-activated recorders) or download computer monitoring software (key logger) which will make it easier for you to monitor your spouse's activities. Using such equipment can, however, can raise some legal issues.

Now this will have to be adapted to your special circumstances...but showing up at work and asking to speak to Human Resources might reveal a few things (like: does he still work there? or did they know their work phone was being used for an affair?). So just by keeping a log you can learn a lot! If you can't see the cell phone records from the company for example, ask the company to audit them! If he spends lots of time on the computer, chatting and on FB, install a free keylogger and get a report that tells you what he wrote! Or easier yet, sometimes there are chat logs and sometimes cookies can help you find evidence. Also, don't forget, not all evidence is "high tech" and snoopy--sometimes it's easy stuff like asking your brother or another friend to take a day off and follow him for you.

Does this make sense? Before we can help you, we need to know what it is we are facing, and in order to know what we're facing, we need evidence. At this point we know there was an inappropriate relationship with an old high school flame, but where does he go when he disappears for days? What does he do? THAT is what we need to know!

So do this--Step One--and do this first. Let us know how we can help you do THIS STEP of Gathering Evidence so we can *know* what we are dealing with. Okay?


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Yes, I understand what you are saying!! No, when I asked him how long he planned to keep committing adultery, he said how do you know I still am?, I said you keep leaving and staying gone. He really didn't get mad he just said that he didn't feel like answering any questions this morning, and why didn't you say anything when I came home Sunday night? 

I have gathered evidence and I know that he is still seeing the woman. He has told her that we are seperated and he is staying in a motel, down the road from our home. That he is keeping one of our children everynight with him and then brings him home when he goes to work. This has been told by the woman he is seeing to a person we both know.

Right now, we only have one vehicle, so now the woman is picking him up from work at times when he chooses to not come home.

I know he is still working there, I saw him today.

He told me he had ended the affair, but that the OW didn't want it to end.

I have asked him several times if he wanted a seperation or divorce,
each time he has said No. 

Today however, someone called me and told me that he was supposed to have said to someone we both know yesterday,
did they hear we was getting a divorce?...but they thought he was just joking around because he has always been a joking person.

I am very sorry if I have done or said anything wrong on here. I am just just very confused and hurt. I was just asking things because I thought maybe someone else had been through the same thing before........I AM JUST WANTING TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE, I DON'T WANT A DIVORCE AND WAS TOLD BY HIM THAT HE DIDN'T EITHER!!


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

I do know for a fact that he is having an affair. He is still saying he is confused. He has also said he is in love with OW. He says he wants to seperate but he doesn't want to move any of his belongings out of our house that we share. 

He also told me that he still loves me. He came back home and for a week I thought we was doing good, but he was still talking to OW by phone. What should I do?

PLEASE HELP!!


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Set your boundaries and tell him what it will take for him to come back - otherwise you are being a doormat and he will continue with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

babygurl71

What has been happening the past few weeks? Can you give a better update.

If he wants to separate and has used those words, pack his bags and place them by the front door, your man is manipulating you, do not let him. Your marriage salvation is now down to you and your inner strength. If he speaks to her while in your house, he moves out. If he stays away at night time he moves out. You do let him be a cake eater or you a doormat. 


You carry on with Plan A for the interim . 

Have you managed to read any of the articles on the afffaircare and Marriage Builders site or do you need me to post the links for you . This background is essential so you understand the steps we will be proposing


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

Well things have been going pretty much the same for the last few weeks. We were talking & I was again asking him to be honest & stop the affair , write a no contact letter. He told me he wasn't going to stop, then he got up and told me he was going to go for a walk and he would be back in a lil while and he hoped I would let him in when he got back. That was on Sunday night 12-12-10 about 7:00 P.M.

He never did come back home. He stayed gone all the rest of that night, & all day and all night the next day which was Monday, with no word from him at all. He later admitted he didn't work that Monday.

Then Tuesday Morn. 12-14-10 he came by before going to work
& he was driving a white truck. I asked him who it belonged to & he told me it was a guy he works with truck & he let him borrow it. He left for work & he didn't come back or call. But he had told one of the kids he would see him that afternoon.

Then Wed. Morn. he again came by before he went to work & he said to me and one of the kids that he'd see us this afternoon. But again he never came home or called.

But I was busy finding out who the truck belonged to, and I thought I'd seen that truck somewhere before. An I was right,
in her photos on her facebook, there were pictures with the truck in the background. So I drove down to the OW's house
and the truck was there.

So the next morning Thurs.12-16-10 when he came by before going to work I confronted him & told him I knew who the truck belonged to. Which he still said it was co-workers. And I showed him the picture on Facebook & told him that if that was where he wanted to stay then he needed to take his belongings with him. I also told him I had drove down to the other woman's house & the truck was there parked by the fence. He said he would be home tonight.

That afternoon the kids and I had gone to my mom's. He came over there and asked if I was coming home, and I did.

So Friday 12-17-10 He got up and went to work, he said he'd be home. He came home after work and I said something to him about loving me & he told me he did and that he was gonna prove it. That Sunday he was gonna return the truck and a cell phone he had that belonged to her.


~~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~~~~


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Since you now know who the OW is , you have her facebook page and access to her friends list you do the following:

You copy all her friends details eg full name (facebook name) into word or some similar application, you need this so as not to lose the list in case she locks you out of her page. 

You send a facebook message to her friends, you choose those who you think are family first, you then select those who look look they are married. If she has 30 friends you end to all thirty, if she has 200 you select 50 of the best. 

The intent is to make them aware that she is having an affair with your husband. 

Try the message below, there has to be 60 second delay between messages. 



> > Dear friend of XXXX,(full name of OW)
> >
> > It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends and family should know that XXX is having an affair with my husband, (your husbands first and last name) . They started the affair in ZZZZ. (month)
> >
> > ...


One of the boundaries you set is if your husband does not come home, you have his bags packed and he leaves. 


Obtain legal advice as you may have to force him to continue paying the rent and childcare.


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## babygurl71 (Nov 22, 2010)

So things seemed to be going good & when Sunday came 12-19-10 he took the truck back & the kids and I followed him and picked him up. He said it was over but he wouldn't write a no contact letter because that was stupid. He stopped carrying the work phone but Wednesday he got it back. He said the boss told him he had to carry it in case they needed to get a hold of him.

But Monday thru Thursday went pretty well but Thursday night he called home & told me he was ready for us to come pick him up from work. So we did & we went to wal-mart to shop but all of a sudden his work phone rang, we hadn't been in wal-mart 10-15 minutes if that long. 

He said his boss lady told he had to go back to work & pick up 4 garbage dumpsters that got left behind on Monday & I got upset.

After all we was trying to do our shopping for the kids to finish up. He said he had to go. So we leave & go to drop him off, he said we could follow him if he wanted to but he never would leave from the shop. So I pulled up to his work truck & he was mad. He said he was talking to boss & told her he couldn't go.
And if she called and asked him why he was going to tell her it was because I was being a *****. So when we got home, I asked him to go in the room where we could talk, he at first wouldn't but then he did. He said he was off Friday & Saturday but now he would have to work Friday morning.

I asked him why he was not willing to write a no contact letter if it was truly over, he said it was stupid & he wasn't going to. I asked him if he wanted to read the purpose of the no contact letter & he wouldn't. He said I would probably never trust him again & I said yes I will but we have to work on it. It's not going to happen over night.

I told him that it seemed to me, that he didn't wanna write it because he still wanted contact. I asked him if he had been talking to her & he finally admitted to me he had talked to her this week. He also said he thinks he in love with her or that he is in love with her. 

That he loves me but he don't think he loves me like he should or as much as he should or something like that. I asked him what he wanted to do, he sais something about seperating but not removing any of his things from the house. He said he was gonna go to sleep on the couch and I asked him why he hadn't been sleeping on the couch. 

He told me he would be here for the holiday but he would work a lil while on Friday morning. When i woke up Friday morning he came in there and asked me if I would take him to the shop where he works, so i did. We didn't talk all the way there but before he got out of the truck he wanted to kiss me but I didn't kiss him I just looked at him. An he told me he would be back in a lil while.

That was Friday morning about 5:30 A.M. & we haven't seen or heard from him since so far. My kids and I are very upset that he missed Christmas Eve & Christmas Day. My youngest son tried to call him once Friday morning & once Friday night on his work phone but he didn't answer.

He told me Thursday night that he would find me if I left and went somewhere no matter where I went to. But after that when we got home and I had asked him about the no contact letter he told me I wasn't giving him any space. But I haven't been calling him on the work phone or anything when he goes to work.

And I don't understand why he wanted to kiss me Friday morning after telling me all that about being in love with another woman on Thurs night. Please help me I'm so confused!!

Cause he also told me he had ended it because I told him to stop the affair or continue and get out. And from Thursday 12-16-10 to Thursday 12-23-10 he was at home every night, which is something he hasn't done in a while.

I also asked him who was more important the kids and me or the OW. And he said that we was......

Yes I have been reading but you can repost in case there was something I missed....Thanks!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do a bit of planning and expose the OW on facebook. The effect makes her life most uncomfortable, your intent is to drive a wedge between them. As he has moved out pack his clothes in a bag for him,one of your boundaries is he cannot enter the house without your permission, you carry on with Plan A and if and when he sees you always be amazing, he must see what he is missing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Marriage Builders Articles 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...0_article.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/grap...0_summary.html

Affaircare articles

Articles


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