# Wishing for a support group



## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Ya know, I thank God for TAM and the community help and advice, but sometimes I wish I could just post on Craigs List for " betrayed spouses looking to form face to face support group". 

In my case, no one knows about my WH's affair. We have lived in our community for a long time and I know that we are looked at as being a "nice family". I keep my mouth shut mostly to protect my kids and my family reputation. I confided briefly with an old friend, but we have lost touch and I know she never really could relate anyway.

Hearing how all of us just need some in-person support ( and not just from a counselor who you are paying to listen to you, although they can be quite helpful). Kind of like an AA meeting for betrayed spouses. Drop by to vent or get a hug whenever you need to. It would go a long way to talk in person to others who really do walk in your same shoes..

Just sayin'.....Sigh....


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I do understand where you are coming from. It is really hard not having someone to talk to. I went through my divorce with no one to talk to. I did get custody of my children which sure made my life interesting but you can't talk to them about how there mom cheated and is now living with the OM. 

I hope you are able to find someone to help you. I know its really hard. 

Clay


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

I don't think this would ever be a possibility due to the lack of anonymity that a place like TAM allows vs the out in the open face time created by a live action focus group. Too many people are embarrassed enough to admit the small failures in life let alone the betraying properties of a wayward spouse. Besides, with places like this we can get support nearly round the clock, ask questions or post for opinions and sooner or later they get answered or addressed.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

I wish there was one as well. I could use to meet with others and discuss the growth and healing needed. I couldn't care less about the anonymity anymore. She cheated and I will not hesitate to tell anyone that asks. Guess I have passed the shame phase and realize that I am not the only one affected by stupid decisions of a wayward (and I wasn't the first and won't be the last). I find that the more people know, the more I garner support and find out whom the true friends are in a given situation. (Of course it is easier for me as I know that she is blame shifting and making stories/lies about me in order to garner her support network, but our families and the kids know the truth).

It would just be nice to have a place to meet with others where I don't feel like the outsider and could feel that I belong and fit in.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

CL is full of dangerous losers and predators. Be thankful there aren't any there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

still so sad said:


> Ya know, I thank God for TAM and the community help and advice, but sometimes I wish I could just post on Craigs List for " betrayed spouses looking to form face to face support group".
> 
> In my case, no one knows about my WH's affair. We have lived in our community for a long time and I know that we are looked at as being a "nice family". I keep my mouth shut mostly to protect my kids and my family reputation. I confided briefly with an old friend, but we have lost touch and I know she never really could relate anyway.
> 
> ...


Nobody in our circle of friends knows about our problems.

My wife's mother somehow found out she apologised to me for what her daughter had done.

But we have been complimented on being a loving couple and a good example.

I think to myself: "If only you knew!"


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Nobody in our circle of friends knows about our problems.
> 
> My wife's mother somehow found out she apologised to me for what her daughter had done.
> 
> ...


Yep, that is one of the most hurtful things to deal with. I would have agreed with them at one point. I think about this everytime I hear about the "perfect" couple that everyone strives to be like. What skeletons are in their closet?? Call me jaded.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> CL is full of dangerous losers and predators. Be thankful there aren't any there.


No more so than another site (the personals are littered with them, but the selling and jobs parts aren't as bad, CL isn't just about hooking up). Heck we have our share of them here as well, and you would think it would be more secure and safe here, because of the nature of the topic, but many see it as a draw and challenge.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I've often thought there are so many good people here that have helped me get this far. Sometimes I wish I could meet some of you in person..


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

In your browser's search bar, type in this and add your zip code after. For me, it came up with a "psychology today" list of groups for my area. 

_local support groups for betrayed spouses_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

A support group for betrayed spouses, I like this idea. May be a way to tell my story fully to people who understand what I'm going through. Yes it is humiliating but in a support group with others going through the same could be therapeutic. I don't tell my story as just yesterday I allowed my sarcasm and triggering to post in a non helpful way. I believe my story would filled with posters like the way I posted yesterday. So this group could actually work for someone like me. Just hope a WS support group isn't formed!! Probably need to leave as my sarcasm returned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

OP, same situation here. After 3 years I've been able to talk to someone, another Tam member. Worse becomes worst when you can't talk to anyone about it.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

It seems so unfair to me sometimes that we shoulder the larger burden of protecting the reputation of our WS / family while the WS goes on living life on their own terms. Not much seems to change for them other than that we know their secret and for us, we carry the heavy baggage around just to avoid having the pain spread to our kids and families.
Only another BS could ever understand that.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

still so sad said:


> It seems so unfair to me sometimes that we shoulder the larger burden of protecting the reputation of our WS / family while the WS goes on living life on their own terms. Not much seems to change for them other than that we know their secret and for us, we carry the heavy baggage around just to avoid having the pain spread to our kids and families.
> Only another BS could ever understand that.


:iagree::iagree: Yep, and if we ask them to own their actions then it is the whole "am I supposed to wear the Scarlett letter A my entire life, as I am not going to do it" argument. Not asking them to wear the letter, but definitely not hide it and act as though it is nothing that tells about their character, given especially when they were serial in their actions!


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

still so sad said:


> It seems so unfair to me sometimes that we shoulder the larger burden of protecting the reputation of our WS / family while the WS goes on living life on their own terms. Not much seems to change for them other than that we know their secret and for us, we carry the heavy baggage around just to avoid having the pain spread to our kids and families.
> Only another BS could ever understand that.


still so sad

I couldn't agree more with this. My sister knows of the WW's "activities" but nobody on her side of the family knows. If I had told more then my sister my family would disown her. This would make our R twice as hard if I disclosed. I feel R is hard enough without the added resentment of your family. But not a day hasn't gone by that I feel the weight of WW's burden on my shoulders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

For years I really wanted this too, even while wondering how many relationships would come out of that support group.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Same feelings here : no exposure to spare the kids, hide humiliation,spare myself the gossip and pity in my small town. But I end up hiding his dirty secret and enable him to live the lie of what a great guy he is. Hardest to bear is seeing the OWs walk around with heads held high when in reality they thought nothing of poaching somebody elses husband and tearing families apart. 

Sorry just having a bad day after meeting another person tell me how great FWH is who knew him from the years he cheated. All I wanted to say to that person was "yeah he was f **ing your boss back then. He sure is a great guy. "

And when I try to explain how crappy it makes me feel, he shrugs and says its all over now and in the past. Except for me it never is.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Harken Banks said:


> For years I really wanted this too, even while wondering how many relationships would come out of that support group.


I have actually thought about this too! I even think I would feel safer in a new relationship with someone who has been a BS too. That way we could both understand the pain involved in betrayal since we have experienced it first hand.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

I don't know about this one. Yeah it's great to be able to talk to someone but that's what friends and family are for. It's not like being an alcoholic which can last a lifetime, and which is why AA exists. If you keep on going to a support group because you can't handle that your spouse left, then it means you haven't moved on. 

I can also see plenty of hatred developing in such a group. Imagine the group plotting to seek revenge on behalf of one of it's members.

My wife left three years ago. Every once in a while I still feel some pain. You just need to realize it is what it is, and move forward and not think about what happened any longer.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I don't know about this one. Yeah it's great to be able to talk to someone but that's what friends and family are for. It's not like being an alcoholic which can last a lifetime, and which is why AA exists. If you keep on going to a support group because you can't handle that your spouse left, then it means you haven't moved on.
> 
> I can also see plenty of hatred developing in such a group. Imagine the group plotting to seek revenge on behalf of one of it's members.
> 
> My wife left three years ago. Every once in a while I still feel some pain. You just need to realize it is what it is, and move forward and not think about what happened any longer.


I see your point somewhat, but friends and family don't want to hear about this as they don't want to think about it, lest it might happen to them. Of course the same thing about the revenge could happen with a family unit as well. If properly moderated, such a groups shouldn't rise to such levels.

Also this will last a lifetime. Can you move on from it, yes, but it still doesn't make it disappear. By your statement once a WS moves on, unlike AA they are no longer a WS? Nope it will be with them forever, just as this will for a BS. You will forever have a failed marriage, betrayal, etc. Moving on doesn't change that fact, it will always be there and a group could help one move on and heal, where just say cest la vie won't work.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I totally relate. I have told 2 people about my WH's PAs. One of them is my MIL, who has basically become my mom. (Abusive bio family.) the other distanced herself from me as if infidelity was contagious.... That really hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

Alpha said:


> I don't know about this one. Yeah it's great to be able to talk to someone but that's what friends and family are for. It's not like being an alcoholic which can last a lifetime, and which is why AA exists. If you keep on going to a support group because you can't handle that your spouse left, then it means you haven't moved on.
> 
> I can also see plenty of hatred developing in such a group. Imagine the group plotting to seek revenge on behalf of one of it's members.
> 
> My wife left three years ago. Every once in a while I still feel some pain. You just need to realize it is what it is, and move forward and not think about what happened any longer.


I understand about the need to move on. However, I feel that my WH has dealt me a lifetime sentence. As much as he would like to ignore it, the pain of his betrayal isn't going to just go away. Although we did not divorce ( although I do still consider it from time to time) we are not the same couple that we used to be. Maybe we look the same to people on the outside, keep up a good facade, but we both know that we are not the same behind closed doors. How could we ever be? He has proven himself not worthy of my trust by making a mockery of our marriage vows for years. Deep down I am broken hearted and expect that a part of me will forever be no matter if we stay in R or get a D. Just like an alcoholic is never cured but considered " a recovering alcoholic", like it or not we are all " recovering betrayed spouses"


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

still so sad said:


> I understand about the need to move on. However, I feel that my WH has dealt me a lifetime sentence. As much as he would like to ignore it, the pain of his betrayal isn't going to just go away. Although we did not divorce ( although I do still consider it from time to time) we are not the same couple that we used to be. Maybe we look the same to people on the outside, keep up a good facade, but we both know that we are not the same behind closed doors. How could we ever be? He has proven himself not worthy of my trust by making a mockery of our marriage vows for years. Deep down I am broken hearted and expect that a part of me will forever be no matter if we stay in R or get a D. Just like an alcoholic is never cured but considered " a recovering alcoholic", like it or not we are all " recovering betrayed spouses"


Still so sad

Whether you divorce or reconcile you are correct that you have been given a lifetime sentence. I still would like to see a support group for betrayed spouses. As with AA they can stop going and restart at any time. It should be the same for infidelity group. Many times I have reached for my phone and wanted to talk, but who can I call? Only our MC knows the whole story. In my opinion, infidelity is a cancer laying in wait, then suddenly it's exposed and you can't get treatment. Only difference is you die slowly and painfully.


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## still so sad (May 27, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Still so sad
> 
> Whether you divorce or reconcile you are correct that you have been given a lifetime sentence. I still would like to see a support group for betrayed spouses. As with AA they can stop going and restart at any time. It should be the same for infidelity group. Many times I have reached for my phone and wanted to talk, but who can I call? Only our MC knows the whole story. In my opinion, infidelity is a cancer laying in wait, then suddenly it's exposed and you can't get treatment. Only difference is you die slowly and painfully.


Yup. This is exactly what I mean about how only another BS can fully understand where we are all coming from. As much as I love our MC and the help she has given us, I know that she doesn't completely "get it". Family, friends etc can be good too but only to a certain point, plus they are likely far too close to the situation to be objective.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

still so sad said:


> Yup. This is exactly what I mean about how only another BS can fully understand where we are all coming from. As much as I love our MC and the help she has given us, I know that she doesn't completely "get it". Family, friends etc can be good too but only to a certain point, plus they are likely far too close to the situation to be objective.


Still so sad

Our MC had been cheated on while in college, so she knew some of what I was going through. Our MC big on homework for me so I finally tried a new approach. MC kept asking me to describe my thoughts on a certain area. I couldn't so I asked the MC if she would consider a homework assignment. Shockingly she said yes. I gave her the assignment and after she completed it she understood my situation much better. I will say my WW hit a home run when she found our MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

still so sad said:


> I have actually thought about this too! I even think I would feel safer in a new relationship with someone who has been a BS too. That way we could both understand the pain involved in betrayal since we have experienced it first hand.


I thought this too, but I think another BS has to many skeleton in the closet, compares the new to the old in behavior, and is always looking out for mistakes to be made. In other words, I think two BS's are just to mistrusting during times of conflicts. 

~sammy


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