# Vent; She found my journal



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My wife found my journal. Basically, she found a temp file dump that contained about three hundred pages from earlier this year. I’m in my third year of R, and the stuff she found reflects this. It’s more a documentation of my thoughts, my changes, etc. In fact, most of it is responses to other people’s postings and how I would approach it now knowing what I know and the mistakes I made along the way.

I don’t really feel violated at all. Honestly, it doesn’t bother me that she got a chance to see inside my head and I’ve expressed almost everything in one form or another throughout the R. I’d hope it’d just reinforce that this isn’t behind me and is still quite alive and well regardless of her rugsweeping. Yet she did exactly what I thought she’d do with this knowledge.

Her mind puts it through her ‘glass half-empty’, ‘how does this affect me’ filters. She latched onto the unhealthy junk and attempted to use it like a knife. It wasn’t about a “I’m concerned you think that” type approach or even a attempt at “you don’t understand me”. It was a weapon to put me down. “You are sick for thinking this...” approach. 

It bothers me that she didn’t ‘get it’. Those shaming tactics don’t work on me anymore. If she had really bothered to truly read my words, it should have been clear. Instead though, she skimmed it, using her filter to verify that I’m ‘out to get her’ sort of thing.

So, we have it out for a couple hours. I answered everything honestly and kept my composure. I was not ‘nice’ though and there were no attempts to pacify. I called it out as I see it; Open book and transparent. There was even the slippery slope stuff like flirting with other women. I wasn’t ‘nice’ about my ‘why’... My WW shattered my self-esteem intentionally (and I went through all those nasty hurtful things she told me)... Having some other woman find me attractive was alluring and helped me find another sounding board when my only one was telling me how I disgust her and I struggled with finding that from within. Yet I know I can’t find self-esteem in the arms of another; nothing developed beyond a few flirty messages.. I had to find it from within. Its just harder with someone who’s telling you how repulsive you are. And I clarified how I found that self-esteem; I stopped listening to her (my own wife) define me and instead just looked in the mirror. I detached from caring about how my wife sees me and focus now on how I see myself a lot more.

She also latched onto a idea I have that the sweetest ‘revenge’ is to make her fall in love with me all over again and dump her just to hurt her for “the win” (my two pounds of flesh); Part of my philosophy is to latch onto whatever it takes, even unhealthy ideas, if that keeps me trying to reconcile. My gut has always told me she’s still my one, even when I can’t rationally justify it... So, I’ll use whatever I can to “justify” why to stay and work knowing damn well once I’m over the hurdle a justification won’t be needed (I learned this from her and other WS.... justifications CAN help you violate your own belief system). I’ve made it clear that adultery IS a nasty violation of my beliefs, so I need every possible reason I can to help me follow my heart. Luckily for her, my heart is still with her; and unlike her, I don’t act on this thought to hurt... I use it to push me to work on the marriage to restore it, not as something to push me away. Whatever it takes.

Then the weird. I got the silent treatment the next day. That night, she extended the olive branch, which I accepted. She’s been hyperbonding ever since. I’ve got no idea what impact reading that had on her. As always, she’s a closed book.... 

And part of me is wanting to ‘fear’ (I’m resisting that fear and trying to not think about all those possibilities). There’s the paranoia that she knows my ‘love language’ is physical; This also makes it a weakness. So, the huge increase in sex is either her way of securing me, or her way to pacify while she absorbs and dwells; Am I a monster? She might pick that one and that will be how she sees me (ignoring everything to the contrary)... Ugh. She also doesn’t get that the ‘unknown’ is just as scary to me as it is for her. This is also why I have zero problems sharing my thoughts when she asks; I want her to ask and know the real me. She on the otherhand, does not. 

Which leaves me where I’ve been for years now; “Who is this woman really and what are her motivations; How does she tick?”. It bothers me that she wants a ‘secure and safe’ marriage, yet won’t give me enough information to really know who I’m dealing with so I can fall back in love with the woman I suspect she really is: Instead of the presentation she just wants me to see (the mask in my journal). I can’t get close to ‘false idols’. Is her reaction from the heart, or is it just a tool she’s using? I hate that.... and I mostly hate that when I ask, the default answer is what she believes I want to hear (I keep catching her doing that). So, I’ve stopped asking those questions as they are always blown off. As you can see above, I don’t tick like that... I tell her things I know she doesn’t want to hear, but needs to know so she can know who I am and where I struggle.

Its frustrating............


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Huh. She can snoop and find your journal and she can read your journal, but she doesn't get to throw fits over what she finds.

And it sounds like she didn't find much.

There are many people on here who will tell you that you don't deserve any privacy in marriage. I disagree. Your journal is your most private thoughts. And, ironically, they were not particularly damaging to her. But I think you need to keep hammering on the fact that she read your private journal.

I wouldn't do that to my H.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Huh. She can snoop and find your journal and she can read your journal, but she doesn't get to throw fits over what she finds.
> 
> And it sounds like she didn't find much.
> 
> ...


lamaga,

This is just a question-what if it were the other way around? As in the BS found WS journal? Does WS still have the right to privacy?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Canttrust, I think everyone has a basic right to privacy, but I know that I am in the minority here on that, so I'm not going to go to the mattresses over it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Canttrust, I think everyone has a basic right to privacy, but I know that I am in the minority here on that, so I'm not going to go to the mattresses over it.


no, you have a right to your opinion. It really was just a question for you. I happen not to agree. But Truly, it was just a question.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> lamaga,
> 
> This is just a question-what if it were the other way around? As in the BS found WS journal? Does WS still have the right to privacy?


Actually, I would say that they do (as does the BS and the OP). I don't think they have privacy with respect to communciations and interactions with others. But journally is a very personal matter which deserves privacy and respect. 

I don't do it, but have talked to those who do. Some use it as a sounding board to get ideas out and consider them, as well as better understand what they are thinking and how to communicate that to others. Because I think this is valuable to a person, particularly to a WS, I think this level of privacy is acceptable.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Except under actual treats of infidelity I also believe journals are out of touch. This is privacy, your ''at work'' ideas which may change dayly, hourly. The same goes for counselling sessions. It's privacy.

Sorry to hear she doesn't get it at all.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

lamaga, I totally agree with you. We are all entitled to privacy.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Actually, I would say that they do (as does the BS and the OP). I don't think they have privacy with respect to communciations and interactions with others. But journally is a very personal matter which deserves privacy and respect.
> 
> I don't do it, but have talked to those who do. Some use it as a sounding board to get ideas out and consider them, as well as better understand what they are thinking and how to communicate that to others. Because I think this is valuable to a person, particularly to a WS, I think this level of privacy is acceptable.


:iagree: 
I was referring to privacy in general. Not journaling. I think journaling is eqivalent to climbing inside ones head. Its your own thoughts(WS or BS doesnt matter) not communication with others.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

lamaga said:


> And it sounds like she didn't find much..


Oh don’t get me wrong... there was some awful stuff in there. Think of this way; I didn’t hold back or filter it. If I was raging, the words reflect it. Pages and pages.

I’d believe most would be mortified of their spouse finding this. The difference is really that I learned to accept myself. I’m neither good or evil, but somewhere in the middle. I accepted and embraced my own darker side instead of boxing it away. Pandora’s box was opened. So, manipulating and filtering who she gets to see just isn’t my way. That is a difficult concept for her. “You don’t care about me” is how she sees it. I see it more like; “I care so much, I do not want you thinking I’m someone I’m not. This unfortunately means I am not the man, nor trying to be the man, you made up in your head as ‘perfect’. I’m a typical screwed up little monkey who’s been hurt and is still trying to sort it all out inside. I look in the mirror because I can no longer trust that reflection in your eyes.” Not pretty Hallmark words, but quite reflective of the real truth of it. 

Where I’ve filtered; I know the rollercoaster quite well. The highs and lows come and go. So, I express only consistent feelings, not the temporary ones very often. Yet the journal has the writings of those temporary highs and lows and the words I did not speak because I knew in a day they’d be gone or tempered with reflection. So that is what she read.; It’s not all pretty ‘unicorns and rainbows’ stuff. There are demons in there too.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You have been reconciling for 3 years. She found your journal. She's fairly confident now you wont leave her. You have accepted her for what she is -- and she knows it now.

There's really no need for her to change.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

aug said:


> You have been reconciling for 3 years. She found your journal. She's fairly confident now you wont leave her. You have accepted her for what she is -- and she knows it now.
> 
> There's really no need for her to change.


Your summary seems sort of like a ‘shot’. So I’ll clarify.

I’ve accepted what she is right now (it isn’t the same as a year ago, or how she’ll be next year). True enough and I don’t believe I’ll leave in the foreseeable future and she knows this too. 

However, she is also aware that with this acceptance there are limitations she doesn’t want. Small example in whole jumble of issues... Trust: She isn’t trustworthy and lies to protect herself rather than own her true intentions. Therefore ramifications are there to protect myself. Sort of an “equal and opposite reaction” philosophy. If she wants to be trusted, she has to be trustworthy... she isn’t entirely, so she isn’t treated that way either. And so it goes down the line; I treat her in a manner consistent with how I perceive her. There’s no “fake it ‘til you make it” going on; I don’t pretend she is something she isn’t no matter how she wants me to. 

So yes, she isn’t under the constant threat of divorce driving her to change her wicked ways; We’re beyond that now; No longer necessary.. Its about getting what she wants. She wants a real marriage; the fantasy version of forever after. Given the issues, that isn’t what she’s getting. I control that part of what I give. She’s well aware of the ‘conditional and limited’ aspects of THIS marriage. If she wants something more..... she’s gonna have to work on herself so I’d want to give it. 

So, there is change. It is a constant process with both of us. Really, that is the important part; You have to work at making a marriage succeed and want it.


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Sounds like you have taken back your power, no longer fearing losing her when you reveal yourself. You seem to realize that you can be happy without her. Nice work.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How is her weight these days? Are you stocking up more ding dongs?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

No, it wasnt intended to be a shot.

My apology if it did come across that way.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

warlock07 said:


> How is her weight these days? Are you stocking up more ding dongs?


OMG, lol... early threads... Well, to fill in the blanks from 3 years ago; Two years ago we joined a gym together and started working out. She didn’t stop eating poorly though so she didn’t lose much. Then she stopped going to the gym, became severely depressed and suicidal as the fog finally lifted. Then she started packing it on with a vengeance; happier, growing (literally), but still at the comfort foods. And again, I don’t force her to eat that junk, she is drawn to it. 

She’s gained a ton and still at it. She also dresses way down; as in today she left wearing my old baggy jeans and a old concert t-shirt that is severely worn. She isn’t looking that good and knows it; Even the maternity clothes won’t fit. So she’s also bailing on any social engagements because she doesn’t want these people seeing her so fat. She even got a rather ‘dike’ haircut. I think eating and the dressing down is her way of isolating herself from unwanted male attention, but don’t know for sure. She doesn’t talk about it. I’ve mentioned it. I’ve tried to get us to the gym again... the excuses spill forth.



Unhappy2011 said:


> You keep a journal?
> 
> Are you a 13 year old girl?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol... It’s odd, I’ve never done it before. It started actually as more of a ‘evidence’ and timeline thing so I could keep all her stories straight, and just document what I knew. And I began to add ‘commentary’ to it since it was chalked full of so many things that didn’t seem right. As I got involved in forums, I also would draft up responses (like this) in the document so I could easier edit and get the wording right. And, it became my primary coping mechanism to deal with ‘those thoughts’ quickly so I could get back to work. I even set times to write so when a trigger hit, I could blow it off until it was time to puke it onto those pages. It’s helped me stay somewhat sane. My counciling was only bi-weekly, so waiting that long for just an hour also was slow torture and there just wasn’t much direction. So, I could hash out ideas in the journal prior to going there and have the sessions be more productive. And, in the early days, often the ‘less traumatic’ way of communicating to my wife was via long emails where she couldn’t interrupt, deflect, or change topics on me. Lots of good reasons for a BS to journal.


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