# Can a married woman be friends with a single man?



## nosnhoj

My wife and I are having some issues currently and I was wondering what everyones take was on this. She has a new friend that she has known for about 4 months. She talks to him and hangs out with him quite often. Is this something that I should worry about, or is this something that is normal and I just overreact to? There are plenty of details that we can get into about who she is, why they talk. But the bottom line is this, can a married woman who is having trouble in her marriage be friends with a single man and not have this become a problem?


----------



## Amplexor

You’d have to give us more details about the relationship to try and make an assessment on it. Can a married woman be friends with a single man without it becoming more? Of course she can. But if you are in some marital stress and the friendship is bothering you, you need to talk to her to understand what it is.


----------



## draconis

It seems more of a trust issue. My wife (married ten years) has many single friends including many I have never met, but she knows them through her college or work. There are many she hangs out with for many different reasons but they are not often alone. I trust her, but quite honestly there is one that really rubs me the wrong way because he has no boundries to touch his women friends such as hugs, back rubs, rubbing their bellies, feet, or giving them pecks (kisses) and that is all within a controlled enviroment. I talk with my wife about him because I felt uncomfortable with the fact he seemed to have no boundries. I don't care that she talks to him at all however. She does have many guy friends that act like gentle men that I could care less if she hugs. 

To a degree she is a mature woman and can chose who she wants as friends. I respect her opinion, and will never stand in her way of her choice. 

As far as the guy I felt uncomfortable with I resersed the question and asked her if woman x acted that way to me how would she feel. She acknowledged she would feel jealous, and unsettled. So she doesn't let mr x in a zone that would make me feel uncomfortable. I am thankful that our communications are so good.

Truth be told I have trust in my wife. After all 99% of the time that she sees him or others I am not there. I have no worries. Because I trust her.

Can a married woman be friends with a single guy? sure.
Can it become a problem? No more then if he was married.
Even with issues in the marriage? That doesn't change things.

draconis


----------



## swedish

nosnhoj said:


> But the bottom line is this, can a married woman who is having trouble in her marriage be friends with a single man and not have this become a problem?


I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex when you are married, as long as the married person does not say/do things with the friend that they would not say/do if their spouse were sitting there with them.

If you are having marital problems and she is discussing them with a male friend, I would have concerns. Mainly because the two of you should be having those discussions and if the male friend is very understanding, etc. she may become emotionally attached to him and push you further away. I hear over and over on this forum that after an emotional affair ends the spouse does not understand how it got that far...it just happened, etc. but at some point the friendship crossed a line.


----------



## Lostwithouther

I never had issues with my wife being friends with any guy. Like draconis said, if you have trust there is no problem.

But Swedish is VERY right, this is what has happened to my wife. She couldn't talk to her girl friends anymore about our problems(didn't like their answers), so she turned to a guy friend. Sure enough she admitted having emotions for him even though she said she was just talking to him...I told her that I didn't want her seeing or talking to him for awhile until I could build my trust back up with her. She agreed but fell right back into him days later.
Today, she has moved out. Seems like there is still something there for me by the way she talks to me in person or on the phone.... BUT I know she talking/hanging around with this guy still and even got spotted at the beach with him and his two kids(divorced) last weekend.
Trust is great but emotions can happen anytime without you even knowing it.


----------



## draconis

Lostwithouther said:


> I never had issues with my wife being friends with any guy. Like draconis said, if you have trust there is no problem.
> 
> But Swedish is VERY right, this is what has happened to my wife. She couldn't talk to her girl friends anymore about our problems(didn't like their answers), so she turned to a guy friend. Sure enough she admitted having emotions for him even though she said she was just talking to him...I told her that I didn't want her seeing or talking to him for awhile until I could build my trust back up with her. She agreed but fell right back into him days later.
> Today, she has moved out. Seems like there is still something there for me by the way she talks to me in person or on the phone.... BUT I know she talking/hanging around with this guy still and even got spotted at the beach with him and his two kids(divorced) last weekend.
> Trust is great but emotions can happen anytime without you even knowing it.



It's not like you could keep her from her friend. Even if you could that would have meant you didn't trust her and was overbearing which may have lead to even more problems/issues. You have to trust in blind faith sometimes that what you built is strong enough to stand "tests".

draconis


----------



## mis

I think trust is key in this situation. If there is other problems going on in the relationship and you think you have something to worry about then maybe you do. However, if you have a good marriage maybe she just found someone she can relate to and it's not a big deal. Have you met him? If you're concerned maybe you can invite him over for a dinner party to get to know him and how they act with eachother, or maybe suggest setting him up with one of her girlfriends so you can double date. I think a married woman can be friends with a single man. It's up to you if it is a concern or not.


----------



## turnera

No. She can either be with him with YOU in the same room, or they will end up having an affair.


----------



## Stuckonstupid

Ive never been a big fan of married women having close guy friends. If the guy was married, then maybe not so bad. If they have a ton in common maybe even a double date or something could work. But I am exceptionally traditional, I dont see a lot of good that could come from a married woman and a single guy hanging out often. Open up to her in plain details about your insecurities. I never ever would try to control my wife, and say "you cant have guy friends" but I would put the ball in her court, and tell her how it made me feel and then she could either adjust her friendship, incorporate you more, or if she doesnt budge youll have to consider how you want to take it from there.


----------



## Choose2love

This is an age old question... can men and women be really just friends? The answer is yes, kind of, and no, not really. The being alone with the opposite sex part opens up far too many doors to allow lines to be crossed, add to that an emotional "understanding" of each other and it can happen without warning... a hand holding can turn into an embrace, the hug can turn into a kiss and so on. That emotional closeness is what you once felt with your spouse and now that you are "having troubles" (dont know too much about what they are), and she is having this friendship with another single man, there is opportunity for things to happen. The emotional closeness makes women more vulnerable to cheating... if she feels more emotionally close to him than you... she may feel like she is cheating on him when she is with you! That's why women in this situaiton stop kissing their husbands, and pull away... they are emotionally bonded to someone else and I believe its been said here before that women only bond emotionally to one man at a time. So true!

Can you stop her? No. You cant tell her that she cant see him... that would add gasoline to an already burning fire. No line has been crossed yet. Now, if you discover a line has been crossed she can in no way see him again, and you can insist on it. The "line" is anything physical, as well as any sharing of private details about your relationship/marriage with him. She in no way should be talking with a single man about anything to do with the 2 of you... it communicates to him that she is dissatisfied with you and gives him a mental green light to take things further.
It sucks doesnt it?


----------



## Choose2love

If she "needs" a male perspective on things... since she doesnt like what her girlfriends are saying... she should go to a male therapist and pay for the advice. No line crossing there. Or go online to a forum and get male opinions from complete strangers... annoymous helpers without risk!


----------



## f1r3f1y3

I think you already know the answer.

If you're already have marriage issues why would she want to rock the boat.


----------



## radioman

I believe a married woman can be just friends with a single man. I have been friends with a married woman for close to 15 years. Our friendship started due to our children being the same age and having the same interests. Over the years, it has always been about the children and family life in general. I lost my wife several years ago and it was the ear of a good friend that helped a great deal. We use to work together many years ago when we met, but since then, have not even lived in the same state. However, over the years, as business or vacations put us in the same state, we always at least had a cup of coffee and talked about - you guessed it, the kids. I now tease her that I have grandchildren and that she had better talk to her children about some soon. We do talk a couple of times a month and email every so often, and of course cards at the holidays. But the one thing that has allowed us remain just friends is a very simple thing - its called respect. Respect for each other and marriage. My wife understood when she was alive and so does my friends' husband. When I am in their area, it is always an invitation for both of them to take them out to lunch or dinner. I have never had any romantic feelings towards her nor she for me. Again, we respect each other and besides, good friends, no matter the gender, are hard to fine.


----------



## TempTime

swedish said:


> I don't think there is anything wrong with having friends of the opposite sex when you are married, as long as the married person does not say/do things with the friend that they would not say/do if their spouse were sitting there with them.


:iagree:
This is the key in my mind...
when you cross into territory where you WOULDN'T want your spouse to see/hear what you are doing/saying then you have crossed into very dangerous territory.
Exactly the same rules for email/facebook in my opinion.


----------



## AMOR

The simple answer to your question is yes, they can be. But is that a good idea when theres already strain on the marriage..... I think not.


----------



## TempTime

AMOR said:


> The simple answer to your question is yes, they can be. But is that a good idea when theres already strain on the marriage..... I think not.


Very good point AMOR...
AND, another I didn't think of when I first replied...
Openness is KEY... if there are "secret" friends, or friends who you wouldn't want your spouse to meet then you are in dangerous territory.


----------



## Complexity

Marie Z said:


> I am married and I have a single guy friend. We became friends when we worked together. He is a cool guy and he has been like a close friend to me. Lately the thing that is really making me sad cause it is so ignorant is that he has been avoiding me and acting strange with me so in return I don't know how I should handle his behavior he has said he doesn't want my husband thinking something is going on between us. I have been friends with him for awhile so I don't know why this is coming out now. I've talked to my husband he is ok with my being friends with him since I have been honest and told him he is just one of the buddies from my church. I wish there was some way I could make my friend feel comfortable with hanging around me like he does with his other girl pals that have boyfriends or husbands. It really hurts me when I just want to fit in and I feel like an outcast to him now because of my relationship status.


This is a perfect example of why I think it's inappropriate.


----------



## thunderstruck

Marie Z said:


> Lately the thing that is really making me sad cause it is so ignorant is that he has been avoiding me and acting strange with me so in return I don't know how I should handle his behavior he has said he doesn't want my husband thinking something is going on between us.


Maybe this guy is realizing that he wouldn't be too happy if his wife (if he had one) was hanging out with another dude?

Many years ago, when things were still good in my marriage, my W became friends with a single coworker. It didn't bother me, b/c my marriage seemed good + they weren't hanging out after work. We went to some event, and she invited him. I met him, and I think I acted friendly. I kept trying to start a conversation, but he just seemed squirrely. She had told me before that he was overly shy/quiet, but he seemed pretty uncomfortable around me. My gut is generally screaming over every little thing, but not so at all in this case. I don't think they were doing anything inappropriate...I think he just felt intimidated or something around me. Or...maybe he thought, "I wouldn't want the effin guy hovering around my wife."


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Please quit resurrecting old threads!

Marie, you should start your own theread and get fresh opinions and more eyeballs-


----------



## KathyBatesel

I have single male friends, some of whom I dated in the past. I've also cut out some male friends since being with my husband because he felt disrespected by things they said or did. 

Now, he's a guy that trusts me completely. I play on a pool league where I was the only girl on my team, and he had no objection to me going to my team captain's house to practice even though he was single and nobody else was at his house. I think I felt more awkward than he did, and I asked my captain to meet me in a public place after that. 

Another guy, who I dated, and who I consider a valuable friend, has never met my husband. We talk about getting us all together, etc. and my guy's not real comfortable with the idea, but has agreed. It still hasn't happened. But I've visited my friend once at his house, and once in a restaurant, in the two years since I've been with my husband, and we talk on the phone once a month or so. 

However, out of respect for my husband, I would put the brakes on "hanging out" regularly without him, and I certainly wouldn't talk about marital problems because of the conflict of interest potential.

If I didn't uphold those boundaries, I can't imagine him continuing to trust me, and I'd lose a lot of my "freedoms" in the process.


----------



## southbound

I'll give my old fashioned view, and I'm not trying to tell anyone what to do, but just how I was raised. Of course, everyone has people of the opposite sex that they consider a friend. I consider the lady i work with a friend, but she is married, so we don't hang out together and call each other on the phone and laugh and chat for hours. i think that just opens the door for problems, but then, that is the culture where I live and how i was raised. 

I've even heard people here talk about being married and going out with friends of the opposite sex, for example, but that is just not something that is done where I live. When I was growing up, I can't imagine my mom or dad going out with someone that was a friend and leaving the other at home. Tongues would wag in my rural community. No high horse here, just giving my experience.


----------



## piggyoink

Depends on the situation.


----------



## CondorTX19

I think it is rare for a married women and single man to only be (friends). Its my opinion that a guy will be friends until he can figure out how to make the relationship more. It has been my experience that most of my wife's guy friends eventually end up wanting more than just friendship. My wife has always been open about her guy friends and tell me about their interactions including when he tries to take it to the next level. One even tried to get her to leave me, marry him and move off to another state. Others have been more subtle about it but give it time and it will happen. Them being married didn't change things either when it comes to the guy wanting to have sex. She doesn't have any to speak of now, due to all of them eventually wanting the same thing. SEX. Nip it in the Bud now so that it can not progress any further. It usually starts innocent enough, then one becomes a shoulder to cry on then the sex idea comes up.


----------



## tacoma

Yes a married woman can be friends with a single man.

Not my married woman but I'm sure it's entirely possible
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sangfroid de Sade

Yes, you should worry about it.


----------



## piggyoink

Does that mean the platonic section on craigslist is a fraud?


----------



## tacoma

Lostwithouther said:


> I never had issues with my wife being friends with any guy. Like draconis said, if you have trust there is no problem.
> 
> But Swedish is VERY right, this is what has happened to my wife. She couldn't talk to her girl friends anymore about our problems(didn't like their answers), so she turned to a guy friend. Sure enough she admitted having emotions for him even though she said she was just talking to him...I told her that I didn't want her seeing or talking to him for awhile until I could build my trust back up with her. She agreed but fell right back into him days later.
> Today, she has moved out. Seems like there is still something there for me by the way she talks to me in person or on the phone.... BUT I know she talking/hanging around with this guy still and even got spotted at the beach with him and his two kids(divorced) last weekend.
> Trust is great but emotions can happen anytime without you even knowing it.


You seem to be contradicting yourself.

You had trust in your wife and yet there is a problem.


----------



## mattnjaime8

I have a wife that likes to have single male friends and it is one of the most annoying things. In fact it totally turns me off. I am not ugly or fat in fact I've been told that I'm easy on the eyes.

My wife had a friend in school named Brett and when I dated her all she would do is talk about this guy. I never understood it because he is fat and funky looking. I was told there was nothing between them although I have always had my eye on them. Reason being, coming from a mans point of view I have never had a relationship with a woman that didn't end up in the sack. I couldn't even have friendships with friends moms because we would end up in the sack. This was when I was in my early twenties and late teens. So I married this person and after a while Brett started coming around. He would bring his wife so I would let it go even though I knew there was some sort of relationship between these two. We live out in rural Colorado so after a while Brett starts coming out without his wife and was taking my wife target shooting on the edge of our little town. So I kept hearing the he's married anyway routine and I always thought yeah sure. His wife was one ugly mug. We had a failing business and there was a lot of tension over it. My wife had moved funds from one account to the other to make me think the business was doing ok until we ran out of money. I was mad real mad. I think I didn't really talk much to my wife for about six months. She claims this is what led her to what she did. So then the text messages start. I start watching a bit and was getting annoyed. Then there started being texts between the two at 2am, 3am, 4am, and so on. When this started to happen grabbed her cell phone when she was sleeping because she got mad at me the night before and left. She didn't come back till 7am the next morning. Her hair was standing on end. She had bed head but she doesn't remember this part. So then I start looking at the messages in the phone and I find a whole bunch of oral sex talk between the two. So I lo jacked the car and also put monitoring software on the computer. I found a message on my space with Brett asking how he was in the sack. I ask her about it she flies off the handle and takes the kids and moves out. She heads over to her moms. She stays there about a week and then we have a meeting at a local restaurant because I had met with a lawyer and was ready to initiate temporary custody of the children so she couldn't leave state. So texts keep coming on the phone when we were at dinner and then says to me she has to leave because her mom put a curfew on her. I knew better than that, and waited at the in-laws house out in the street for her to show up after dinner because she was going home to bed. Well she never showed up, so I wonder who she was talking to via text at dinner? I'm persistent, I waited till about 4am and had my vehicle strategically placed so when she came around the curve to the in-laws it would be to late for her to try to back up or get away. I said fancy meeting you here. She said I was stalking, I said I checked with local police and as long as she had my kids in that house I can stay out in the street all I want. She said she was at a movie with Bret and his wife. Later I found out that she and he went to the movie Bret's wife was out of town. This all got pretty ugly we came close to divorce, so we reconcile I'm told nothing ever happened. That is all great and all but this changed our relationship and it was never the same. So she said she made mistakes and we should move on and so that's what happened. Now she does that same garbage. Not with Bret but friends of mine from work. The one guy even went to work and said he was sleeping with my wife and she is still friends with him after all of the embarrassment I have to endure at work. So is this single guy enough no she has to bring another stray divorcee'to her Facebook page, then get her number and then start talking when I'm not around. I know what you all will say, but she thinks here behavior is fine. Another big part of the story is that their excuse for the Myspace message was that they were talking about when they were kids. The interesting thing was she told me for years that there was never a romantic side of things. Then the Myspace message happened and then they said that they just didn't want to tell me about their relationship before I met my wife. My biggest problem with the situation is that there was a major violation of trust then, and now she is trying to repeat history or something. This all happened in 2007. So we made it a few years and back to the same behavior. So my opinion is that men and women can't just be friends and I know this because I am a man and I know how they think. They never just think about wholesome things when they are around attractive women doesn't matter whether they are married or not. I sure would like some feed back from you folks. I am told I am the bad guy. I'm jealous and don't have any trust.




Make your inbox more you—personalize it with a color scheme by clicking the Options icon.
Close


----------



## piggyoink

It all depends on the local culture and the situation.


----------



## CH

If she needs to ask for advice about some personal problems and can't talk to you about then my reasoning is

Why the F*** did she marry you. If a wife or husband needs to go to a friend of the opposite sex to get advice on their life, well I guess I'm not good enough to hear about your problems and maybe help you out.

If she needs another man's shoulder to cry on, IMO the marriage is close to being dead. If my wife can't talk to me about her problems, I'm as good as gone. Or I'm just a sucker roommate who's there to help her pay the bills and provide her with a cushy life. BTW, this goes both ways.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Unlike most people on this thread, I do not believe that a married woman can have a single man as a friend unless he is gay. My experience has been that when a woman and a man get together it is hard to be just friends without some underlying sexual chemistry being developed. Throw into this the added (forbidden fruit) attraction of the woman being married and further compound this with marital problems being discussed and I would say you have cause for concern!

Just my opinion and experience so far.

Good luck and be vigilant.


----------

