# Thanks to some of the guys I believe in life after divorce.



## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

I would like to thank AFEH, 2daughters, and help235 for bringing me to the realization that as painful as divorce is and yes I will miss the person I married but there is truly life after divorce.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

There really is!! It's a painful and confusing process, but sometimes it's the only path to a much better and happier life! I know that my life is going great. It took a couple of years, but I feel like I am finally happy again :smthumbup:


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

:smthumbup:


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## JustCallMeGirl (May 17, 2010)

This certainly gives me hope.  Sometimes I wish I could fast forward my life just to get through this hurt and pain. It will finally feel good not to wake up in the middle of the night with the tears and not walk around during the day with a lump in my throat.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Much hope and happiness. Thanks for the post. 

It can be difficult to sell yourself on the idea, and even harder to execute.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Hey Brewster that’s a really nice thing to say bless you mate and thank you. Appreciation, just can’t beat it for the feel good factor. I reckon in time I’ll be looking for romance and I find my thoughts going that way. But it’s too early as yet.

Funny thing happened in the supermarket yesterday. I was about to buy one cake and noticed a good looking woman by herself standing near me. I thought if I buy one cake she’s going to know I’m by myself, more so because I don’t wear a ring. I nearly bought two! Funny old life sometimes.

Bob


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

peacefully said:


> It took a couple of years, but I feel like I am finally happy again


Peace, thanks for your kind words in Help's thread. I am glad that you found my post helpful in some way. I suppose that some of the BPD discussion cast light on your unstable exH's behavior and the codependent discussion may have done the same with respect to your current BF -- who not only has lowered his personal boundaries to the floor but also has installed a moving walkway to make sure his exW doesn't strain herself walking back in.

I regret that, three years ago, I was not around to help you work through the pain of having to leave an unstable H. More than that, I regret your not being here to support me because, at that same time, I was in shock myself -- dealing with the fact that my unstable exW had suddenly had me thrown into jail (on a bogus charge that I was physically abusing her -- five feet from the guest room where our grand daughter and my exW's sister were watching TV). When I got out of jail, I learned that I could not return to my home (for 18 months) because she had secured a restraining order against me until the divorce was finalized. 

So now, after having read most of your posts, I realize that you could have given me a lot of badly needed guidance then -- if only your exH had not been dragging you through the mud at that very time. Don't you remember a crying man sitting there in the cold mud as you went sliding by? Well, that was me!


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I can relate quite a lot in regards to my Ex-h and with my BF and his Ex-w... It's difficult for me, as I can see the manipulations, but it seems that he can't, or won't. He and I are doing much better now, but it is at times a frustration for me when he justifies her clearly manipulative behaviors.

I am sorry that you are going thru what you are going thru. It's a terrible thing to have to endure.
Thank you again for your valuable insight!


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Yes it is different, 

I cannot say that I am better off just yet but I am starting to enjoy and do things that I never thought when I sort of "settled" when I married. I started to exercise more, taking tennis lessons, and more. I still miss her, but it's just the normal process of detachment. 

I look forwards to that moment when I'll be in complete peace with my past and even finding a nice lady to share my present and even better my future with. My counselor always says, "you know what? the chances of you finding somebody more compatible than your wife are greater."

Yeap, life is interesting and if people didn't have these kinds of predicaments I think we wouldn't be able to grow and truly appreciate it. 

The best of luck my friend


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## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I am humbled B. While my divorce is still pending, I can honestly say things are "easier" to deal with 9 months later. Hang in there and don't be afraid to reach out if you need someone to talk to.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Brewster, I don't measure my healing from the divorce but, rather, the separation -- because here it takes 18 months to actually get the divorce (have a wait a year before even filing). During my first year post separation, I made every effort to keep my changes to a minimum and to keep as much normalcy as possible. That meant that, for a year, I worked 10 hours a day for seven days a week because my work was the only familiar thing I had. Also, I needed some new underwear but waited a year because I had no desire to change anything -- I was already handling all the change I could stand. 

My healing took longer because I had been with my exW for 15 years. But a year later, I started working normal hours and bought some underwear. A year after that, I actually had the desire to date and started doing so. Now, I am about 4 years post separation (2 and a half years post divorce) and am really enjoying life. I therefore encourage you to just hang in there and be optimistic.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I saw a quote on one of my friends's statuses on Facebook. I liked it so much I would like to share it with all of you:

There
comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama 
and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people that 
make you laugh so hard that you forget about the bad and focus on the 
good. Life is too short to be anything but happy!!


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

notreadytoquit said:


> There comes a time in life when you walk away from all the pointless drama
> and the people who create it, and surround yourself with people that
> make you laugh so hard that you forget about the bad and focus on the
> good. Life is too short to be anything but happy!!


Great quote!

For me, a big piece of finally being able to move on was in recognizing that I was not divorcing my husband because I didn't love him anymore, I was divorcing him because I could not be married to him anymore. We tried and tried, but what I need and what he was capable of giving were too far apart. I came to realize that I could not put my needs aside any longer.
I am so much happier now. Not that things have been easy, they have been very challenging much of the time. I have also had to come to accept that any new relationship is going to be challenging, especially as an adult, with both of us bringing in our own baggage and complications and problems and coping skills. There were times when I thought about going back with my Ex, but that is just because at least I was _familiar_ and therefore _comfortable_ with our problems...
However, I realize that the old problems will continue to be the same problems, and I knew could not ever be happy.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

peacefully said:


> !
> 
> We tried and tried, but what I need and what he was capable of giving were too far apart. I came to realize that I could not put my needs aside any longer.
> 
> However, I realize that the old problems will continue to be the same problems, and I knew could not ever be happy.


Exactly my thoughts,

There is one thing that my soon-to-be X was able to do that I couldn't. Ask me for the divorce, when we were together I was NOT happy, we were not happy with each other most of the time but we were too afraid to decide, too afraid to be by ourselves, too afraid to let go. I guess that's the reason why I tried to save my marriage at the end but she was no longer in the same channel.

She was able to be strong and decide for both of us and now I see that was the best decision she could've made. Although I really miss her, now I am starting to enjoy life. I am not over my marriage just yet,this divorce was expected to happen or at least a great possibility due to all the problems we went through in the past but I haven't been able to get over the failure of my marriage. 

I know with time it will get better, and all those questions and going over and over the same thoughts will cease to exist, I just need more time, one cannot forget a 4-year relationship in 3 months.


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