# Men vs Men



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Is there any betrayed spouse (man) who has confronted the OM? Sorry if this has been covered before.

I am wondering if there is an unwritten rule that a man will not confront another man over his cheating, be it a husband not facing the OM, a father-in-law not confronting his son-in-law or a father not confronting his cheating son. 

It seems to me that a man will not stand-up to another over infidelity, I might be wrong, any insight would be great, thanks.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I texted the OM from my W's phone and basically told him that my wife was stupid for giving up on me because I've been a devoted father, faithful provider and all around good guy. I also wrote how useless my W has been and how she abandoned me right before I had to go in for surgery, and since I couldn't take care of my son during recovery and have no other reliable caregiver how she just dumped our son with whomever friend she could sucker into it in order to answer his booty call. I wrote that if he was able to get anything out of her other than a good dance **** and sex buddy I'd commend his playa skills.

It was effective at making my wife feel a lot of guilt, at no cost of regret to me, though it didn't really stop the booty calls (this is the guy she was trying to convince me was a good "christian").

If I'd had the chance to confront him in RL I wouldn't have held back so much.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

So I guess I didn't "confront" him, more just gave him a warning of what he was getting.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Depends on the context, if I did meet him I would be like "ooo nice! take a video next time!" and get the missus to finally agree to an open marriage. Part of me is really turned on with that, but pity that the missus is stubbornly anti-extra marital adventures - yet I trust and respect her a lot due to it (irony). But if the OM was really malicious - like if he somehow coerced her into it, I'll hammer him and cave in his face and ribs.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No there's no rule. I would have fun with it. Out him in his church with his family sitting there. Get a burner phone and scare the **** out of him. Cartoon psychotic supervillain stuff. 

But that's me.


----------



## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I contacted the OM via phone. Within 10 min the police were at my door. The guy was man enough to have sex with my SO but not enough to deal with me.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thats why you cut the words and just bag him.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

mswren, in my case you are wrong. I have no "guy code" to keep me from confronting the OM. He's too much of a coward to meet me and has pretty much gone off the main grid, so I can't find him.
I will meet up with him one day(I'm not going to stalk him to make it happen) and hopefully watch him piss in his pants when he realizes who I am.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mswren7.

There are good and bad reasons why men do not confront the OM or the unfaithful husband.

One good reason why some betrayed husband don't confront the OM is because it can lead to a violent confrontation with far reaching consequences for the betrayed husband. Many betrayed husbands are physically more powerful than the OM and can easily injure or kill him if they loose emotional control of themselves.

But a bad reasons why father-in-law will not confront his son-in-law or a father not confront his cheating son is the belief that it is not his place to intervene in another man's marriage. Or that since his son-in-law or son wasn't emotionally involved with his lover, that there is no harm to the marriage because his daughter or daughter-in-law will not find out about it in order words, it wasn't a big deal because 'boys will be boys'.

But can't the same can be said of women? How many times do women friends cheerfully cover for one of their own that is having an affair? How many times do women friends of the cheating woman, who may feel bad for the betrayed husband, fail to take action to expose the affair? How many times will a mother of father tell his daughter to never confess to her husband that she had an affair and to take the secret to her grave?

As you see, the 'conspiracy of silence' knows no gender.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

mswren7 said:


> Is there any betrayed spouse (man) who has confronted the OM? Sorry if this has been covered before.
> 
> I am wondering if there is an unwritten rule that a man will not confront another man over his cheating, be it a husband not facing the OM, a father-in-law not confronting his son-in-law or a father not confronting his cheating son.
> 
> It seems to me that a man will not stand-up to another over infidelity, I might be wrong, any insight would be great, thanks.


I think you are giving us far too much credit in suggesting that there are unwritten rules among us that may negatively impact the women in our lives. 

I also think it was different twenty years ago, when a real man would never pick up the phone to let the police settle disputes regarding his honor (or lack of). At some level in all of us, there is an unwritten code that says we must confront, but how we weigh that with the risk of being arrested varies in each of us. Most of us would find the idea of being prevented to do so by a man code to be highly offensive.

While I would never dream of interfering in my daughter's life when she gets married, I am most definately part of the package deal if he cheats on her, though. She's my daughter. I'm not like I was when I was young and addicted to fighting, but my wife and daughter's tears seem make me respond like that. When my wife and daughter are in trouble, I'm the one they call, so I take this serious.

I'm not saying any of this to appear pushy or arrogant. There are just many of us out there who live by a code, in a sense. This is more important to us than the fear of someone calling the police. And its more important that vague man codes.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Pack up all her stuff and bring it to him. She's someone else's train wreck now.


----------



## mswren7 (May 8, 2011)

Thank you guys for your input.

I guess I was really wanting to find this out due to no other man in my life has stood up to my cheating husband about the pain he has caused me with 5 years of deceit and multiple women. So I feel I have been very badly let down by the men in my life, not just the cheating husband but I feel that his bad behaviour should have been addressed by another man in my life because I feel it would have more strength or meaning if he learnt that this is not the way a man should behave towards his wife. He has only heard it from me and he has no respect for women anyway so what I say or feel means nothing.

My father has said nothing although I know he is very angered about it, father-in-law has said nothing and only tried to find fault with my brothers when I told him about his son's philandering ways. The husband of one of the OW said nothing when I exposed the affair his wife was conducting in his house with my H. He said that it wouldnt do much good him knowing husband's name etc.

See I just dont get it why no other man has stood up to my CH about what he did, although your posts do shed some light on it, eg, boys will be boys, and fathers not wanting to get involved in their daughters marriage.

And I guess you are right morituri when you say the same can be said of women who cover for their friend's affairs and never expose it to the husband.

So anyway, I was glad to get a man's perspective on it and thank you again.


----------



## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

I think a lot of people are afraid of the unknown set of consequences. If I had a cheating brother-in-law, for example, and outed him to my sister, would she kill the messenger, so to speak? Maybe she's happy in her own way but once it's revealed she can't go back. These are the sorts of things that keep people from revealing. However, I do have a hard and fast rule that I won't be involved in such things in any way. I had a neighbor/friend who used my driveway to hide one girlfriend's car from another, and I made him stop once I figured out he was doing it.


----------



## Fido (Feb 9, 2011)

I watched him and his sons load up all her crap at my house. I was sitting in a lawn chair with a cold beer (it was over 30 degrees that day) together with a bunch of friends and had a good time. 

Now she is his problem :rofl:

Good riddance!!! :smthumbup:

PS: I didn't exchange a single word with him...


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I was first thinking I'd go Mongol Horde Invasion on him. Upon further reflection I determined he's ALREADY GOT THE PLAGUE. May they all bleed pus onto each other unto death.


----------



## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

I would confront, but I am 6'5" and 210 lbs and somehow have a reputation. I don't like having to raise my voice, so I tend to be soft-spoken and I think that scares more people than if I were loud. 
I would, though, be very frank about how if an OM were carrying on with my wife, he WILL be having her move in with him and WILL be supporting her from now on, otherwise, I might have to get annoyed


----------



## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

The code of silence seems actually rather lame. I don't think it is gender based by any stretch. Read through these forums and you will find many a person who protected or enabled their friend - male or female. Personally, I would never actively support a friend who is cheating. It comes across as judgemental but cheating is cheating and the betrayal is oh so painful and oh so selfish. It's a slippery slope and I would hope that if I went down that path someone would stop me. Having said that I have two friends who I suspect might be in an EA or PA. But I'm so unsure it just seems wrong to confront them.

Confrontation does not have to be physical and I think in most if not all cases it is the absolutely wrong thing to do. I think you will see a common theme here in the forums that the most widely supported form of confrontation is not physical but is a pure outing. OM? Tell his wife. If it is a work situation let them know. And absolutely it must be a cease and decist situation. I suppose it can come across as revengeful but I'm thinking that meeting an extremely deceitful situation with unbridled honesty has a certain poetic justice in it.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

morituri said:


> But can't the same can be said of women? How many times do women friends cheerfully cover for one of their own that is having an affair? How many times do women friends of the cheating woman, who may feel bad for the betrayed husband, fail to take action to expose the affair? How many times will a mother of father tell his daughter to never confess to her husband that she had an affair and to take the secret to her grave?
> 
> As you see, the 'conspiracy of silence' knows no gender.


I can attest to this one!

Women that I thought were my friend, that we socialized with as couples, went to their homes, shot the breeze with their husbands, etc. At least five of them knew of my wife's affair, what little she really revealed.

Did any of them do a thing to let me know?

Nope.

I found out last year from my wife that she actually was telling them I was a cheat and that if I hadn't been one, she never would have done what she did!

I was nail spitting mad about that and made her get on the phone to the "best" friend and tell her in my presence that I didn't cheat and that she was the only one who did.

Response? I could here it on the phone, she already knew that years ago!

So left unanswered for me is why these supposed friends of mine did nothing both to try to stop my wife from wh0ring herself and alert me to what was going on?

I hated being reduced to juicy neighborhood gossip and my good name sullied by my wife's lie.

And as to the original question. I wanted a confrontation and was denied it by my wife's really honed deception skills.

I found out in recent years that he has died.

If I knew where he is buried I'd piss on his grave.


----------

