# What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm just wondering how many others are out there in a similar marriage. My wife graduated from college but can't decide what pot to use to boil water. She does the most senseless things and it just drives me crazy. I bought an auto part for my truck once. Then I couldn't find it when I was ready to put it on. I searched for hours (and she even offered to help me!). I finally gave up and bought another one. Several months later I found it on the shelf in our laundry room!!! She had "cleaned up" one day and put it in the laundry room of all places. This is just one of hundreds of examples.

She can't change the bag on our vacuum cleaner that we've had for 15 years. Seriously. And I've shown here more than once and it's just beyond her abilities or something. I've come home and she says "I tried and tried to get that thing in there and can't." 15 years we've had this thing.

She can't rent or return a movie at a Redbox kiosk. No kidding. I asked her to return a move once and she brought it back home because she couldn't put it in the slot the right way. Now she just gets our 13 year old to operate it for her.

She can't clean a single room, can't cook, has no hobbies, no interests. Food sits in our refrigerator until it rots because she never thinks to clean it out. She can't make decisions about anything.

Oh, and she hasn't worked in 14 years. So she's home all day. We have two kids. She takes them to school and picks them up, does a little laundry, and that's it.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

OMG I can't even imagine. Those kiosks have instructions on how to operate them... the cooking thing...wow. I mean, I'm not the world's greatest cook, but I know enough to get by. "Cooking For Dummies" book? Well, that would probably just be called a cookbook, huh? I have no idea what I'd do in that case. However, I can understand the vacuum thing. Before we got a bag less one, I had a helluva time figuring that stupid thing out. So the vacuum... cut a bit of slack there lol. But the rest. DAMN! She's home all day?!?! And can't figure out how to do those things? Odd, for sure. Hmmm get her into a cooking class? IDK man... I just can't imagine....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> She can't clean a single room, can't cook, has no hobbies, no interests. Food sits in our refrigerator until it rots because she never thinks to clean it out. She can't make decisions about anything.


Since you have been changing the vacuum cleaner bag for her all these years, I assume she uses it to do a bit of cleaning, like vacuuming the rugs.

Does she watch t.v. during the day? If so, then she has an interest in something. From what you are saying, I assume she never watches cooking shows ...

I also assume you do all the cooking. Guess that leaves you with the responsibility to toss the food that goes bad, although I'm wondering why food is spoiling. If you make enough for a family meal, and freeze any leftovers, that would probably leave only the milk to sour.

You work all day, so you can't handle everything in the home. But it sounds like you do, for the most part.

You've let this go on for a long time. There is a difference between not being mechanically-inclined; such as putting in vacuum cleaner bags (found them a bit challenging myself ...), and playing at being stupid.

Your wife? I think a lot of this "helplessness" is a good act. Why? Because I assume she eats food during the day. I assume she runs the vacuum cleaner. You said she does some laundry, so she can operate a washer and dryer. She can drive a car.

With that said, she CAN learn to toss some vegetables and a roast in a crock pot, turn it on, and have a meal ready for the family in the evening. She can learn that when food gets moldy and emits a funky smell, it is time to toss it. The refrigerator is for storing food; a trash can or garbage disposal is used for getting rid of spoiled food.

I can only deduct that your wife is severely depressed, and it manifests itself with a lack of interest in life. You make no mention of her having friends, so I assume she doesn't socialize at all. If she is not depressed, she is beyond lazy.

Was she like this from the start? Why are you staying with someone who has no interest in anything? Guess she doesn't have much to say about anything either, since nothing interests her. 

I'm just conjecturing here.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Common sense isn't universal sense. I have weird little quirks of things that I could probably easily do but for some reason their is a mental block. My ex had all kinds of silly little mental blocks, that there were common sense solutions to.

You've had a decade and a half to learn to cope. What is more important than the things she has shown she won't do, is identifying all the things she does do well.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> She does the most senseless things and it just drives me crazy


:rofl:

I know you didn't mean to be funny with your post, but I'm LOL.

This all sounds awful. It would drive me nuts too! Such a scatterbrain.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Learned helplessness was my first thought too. I'm acquainted with a few of these type princesses. They stay at home but do nothing. They hire housekeepers, eat out, put their kids in daycare, while they play on FB, shop or go out with friends.

In your case you've allowed it to go on for 15 years so there is no motivation to change. Her life is just fine for her. She has a crew to do things for her and even if she is depressed that's not an excuse to not try to seek help.


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

sounds like a learning disability to me, or add, some sort of undiagnosed mental defect.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mrsamazing said:


> sounds like a learning disability to me, or add, some sort of undiagnosed mental defect.


That thought occured to me as well. I mean she can't operate a Redbox machine. :scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why should she learn to change the vacuum bag? You do it for her. 

About the auto part... why did you leave it laying around so she could put it on a laundry room shelf?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ele & Mavash are right. You have enabled a lot of this so there is no reason for her to learn/change. 



Mavash. said:


> Learned helplessness was my first thought too. I'm acquainted with a few of these type princesses. They stay at home but do nothing. They hire housekeepers, eat out, put their kids in daycare, while they play on FB, shop or go out with friends.
> 
> *In your case you've allowed it to go on for 15 years so there is no motivation to change. Her life is just fine for her. * She has a crew to do things for her and even if she is depressed that's not an excuse to not try to seek help.


Bingo!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Lemme see if I can answer all the questions….

Our vacuum cleaner is not complicated. It’s really simple. The problem she has is she doesn’t tuck the bottom of the paper bag in so when she goes to put the cover back on, it’s in the way. I’ve told her this repeatedly and she still can’t do it.

Is she lazy? By my standards, yes. We were raised differently though. She had to do very little growing up and I had to do a lot to help out. I think she doesn’t have the mental skills to do what a normal SAHM would do around the house. She can only do one single thing at a time and has tunnel vision. Sees nothing else. There could be a pink elephant in the living room tomorrow and she’d dust right around it and say nothing.

She’s always been of the mindset of if she can’t do something or doesn’t know how, then oh well, that’s just the way it is and she’ll never know how. She never tries to learn nor does she even want to.

Why am I staying with someone who has no interest in anything? I don’t want to but it’s a very tough decision. We have two middle-school aged children who are my world. One of those “too good to leave too bad to stay” things. But we have no relationship. We’re just roommates. We barely speak to each other.

“About the auto part... why did you leave it laying around so she could put it on a laundry room shelf?” I seriously hope you were being funny when you said this.

I’ve allowed it to go on for 15 years…not exactly. But ya know, if she can’t change the vacuum cleaner bag and I don’t want to come home to a filth-covered floor, then yes, I have to change it for her. She is somewhat of a princess. She thinks this is her lot in life. To be a stay at home mom and dilly dally around the house and chat with her friends. She does not spend money and shop and all that. She just takes all day to do what should take 20 minutes to do.
The best way to describe her is she goes through adult life with the abilities of a 12 year old.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> That thought occured to me as well. I mean she can't operate a Redbox machine. :scratchhead:


What's a "redbox machine"?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Lon said:


> What's a "redbox machine"?


Kiosk for movie rentals. Basically, you go to it, pick a movie that's in the box and pay there. They are located in Walmart around here... might be more stores as well.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> What's a "redbox machine"?


I've seen your earlier posts. I'm sure you are beyond aggravated with her, and it sounds like she has no desire to change. 

I know you want to be with your kids, but at the expense of your own happiness? Maybe the only way your wife is ever going to try is to be on her own and have to get a job, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You might want to take her to a neuropsych for an evaluation. If she has changed significantly since she went to college and from when you were dating and first married (as I would suspect by your current frustration), this change of ability could be an indication of something more sinister than just cluelessness. 

I struggle sometimes with obvious stuff sometimes, but I have had a brain injury (oxygen deprivation), am aware of my limitations, and compensate for them. For instance, after vacuuming if the bag was getting full and I knew I'd have trouble next time, I'd do something like leave the vacuum right by the front door, even blocking it, so that when you got home, I would be sure to remind you to help me change the bag. Or if library books are due, I leave them on the floor in the front hallway. I also make lists or write down important stuff I need to do, or send myself emails. I give myself a break on the little stuff, like going into the kitchen with a dirty coffee cup and a piece of trash to put in the bin, and coming back out with the coffee cup. (Brain probably wants to believe there is still coffee in there, does not distinguish the difference between holding empty coffee cup and full coffee cup...) or if I check the mail twice in one day, that doesn't stop me from doing those tasks altogether. But someone who was not as forgiving of themselves, might give up rather than be faced with the hard cold irritating frustrating and embarassing symptoms of a cognitive decline. For me, it doesn't bother me much that I sometimes can't remember the name of the town I live in, what grade my kids are in, or why I am finding myself driving in the direction of the next town over but not sure why...I can soon go through all the scenarios and settle on the correct one, and then am happy to know that I am on time for it. I've become a lot more relaxed about stuff. It's amazing how much of your cognitive power you can go without and still have a good life. However, it does sound like your wife's issues are causing severe problems, where she does not do much of anything. 

DEFINITELY take her to a neuropsych and explain what is going on with specific examples. Probably she will have an MRI and some testing. It ususally takes a couple days to be assessed, it is not a trivial process. 

What you describe sounds serious. But try to step back far away from your frustration and REALLY look at what's going on, as it is not normal at all and rather than being peeved or upset, you perhaps should be scared and concerned.

I have trouble learning new stuff, depending what it is. If I'd math based I get nauseous, there is definitely a huge physical and thus mental resistance to getting the hang of something new, but I make an effort. For motor/muscle memory and language/music it's actually easier for me. Stuff like ballroom dance, foreign language, even backing a trailer into a campsite, or kayaking or rock climbing. But the key to that is I go by feel, I turn off my thinking because it gets in the way. I've had to learn to adapt. With stuff that involves something new, I often have trouble getting started, mostly because I don't want to experience how difficult it is. So I break it down into smaller tasks and only do a bit at a time, or I ask for help, or in dire circumstances, I subcontract.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I think she doesn’t have the mental skills to do what a normal SAHM would do around the house. She can only do one single thing at a time and has tunnel vision. Sees nothing else.


As Homemaker suggested, this could possibly be a medical and/or mental condition. Dyslexia, perhaps? 



BeachGuy said:


> She’s always been of the mindset of if she can’t do something or doesn’t know how, then oh well, that’s just the way it is and she’ll never know how. She never tries to learn nor does she even want to.


So you married a bit of a "princess." Sounds apathetic too. Is she this apathetic about raising the kids? The problem with staying in this type of relationship is your children see her as a role model. And it's not a good role model, is it?



BeachGuy said:


> She is somewhat of a princess. She thinks this is her lot in life. To be a stay at home mom and dilly dally around the house and chat with her friends. She does not spend money and shop and all that. She just takes all day to do what should take 20 minutes to do.
> The best way to describe her is she goes through adult life with the abilities of a 12 year old.


You are married to a woman with whom you are merely roommates, and not even particularly friendly roommates at that. If she were out shopping all the time, spending your money like it was growing on trees, or having an EA, then I could see where something was up. But what you are saying sounds "off" to me. I don't want this to come across as being mean in any way, but you almost make her sound like she is intellectually-challenged (as in "special needs" child).

She obviously has a lot of issues. But you married her, fathered two children with her, and have stayed. If you're going to stick it out, then invest every moment you have in your children because it doesn't sound like your wife does squat with them or for them. Not good.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> The best way to describe her is she goes through adult life with the abilities of a 12 year old.


And obviously this was attractive to you... you married her after all. I don't know what else you expected. You saw how she grew up, dated her, married and then had children. Your discouragement is of your own making.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You sound very fed up, and I don't blame you. At the same time, however, I think you've gotten into the habit of looking only at the negatives.

There must be something about her you fell in love with. I'll bet it's still there. Focus on that and stop focusing on the negative. And start taking action to make her less dependent on you. Write down/draw instructions for her on how to change the vacuum bag. Give her more things she IS good at and stop expecting her to do things she ISN'T good at. Boost her confidence.

If you make a concerted effort to turn things around, an HONEST effort which involves a lot more from you than just complaining to her, and she still doesn't change, then decide from there what you're going to do.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> And obviously this was attractive to you... you married her after all. I don't know what else you expected. You saw how she grew up, dated her, married and then had children. Your discouragement is of your own making.


:lol:

What a stupid thing to say. We were 21 years younger when we got married. How many young people do you think focus on their spouses "how they grew up" when they're in love and wanting to get married? I was raised to believe you can make any marriage work as long as both partners are willing. Divorce wasn't even in my vocabulary. But after years of trying everything I know how, I've given up.

We were both young and inexperienced when we got married. I assumed she would grow with me as we got older. Learn. But she didn't. She's no different now (mentally) than she was at 20 years old.

My own making...give me a break.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> :lol:
> 
> What a stupid thing to say. We were 21 years younger when we got married. How many young people do you think focus on their spouses "how they grew up" when they're in love and wanting to get married? I was raised to believe you can make any marriage work as long as both partners are willing. Divorce wasn't even in my vocabulary. But after years of trying everything I know how, I've given up.
> 
> ...



You liked her as she was. You loved her even. Married her. Did you not? Your choices. Just like it is to stay after 15 years of the same thing. Your choice. It's not a revelation that she doesn't have common sense after this long. You can take shots at me all you want, but seriously 15 years of this and you're asking what to do about it now? 

You can keep enabling her and keep up the status quo, or leave her. Maybe you don't like how I present it, but I haven't said anything different from many of the others on this thread.



> Is she lazy? By my standards, yes. *We were raised differently though. She had to do very little growing up *and I had to do a lot to help out.


I was only going off the info you've given about her so far.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My husband is an engineer who was also a math prodigy growing up.

However, he cannot follow a shopping list. He needs to be told obvious details about very simple tasks, like a child. It is very annoying; I expect a university educated engineer to have more common sense. My husband is brilliant, so I don't understand why he can't follow instructions.

I was recently baking and needed flour. My husband graciously offered to pick up a bag for me. He bought _bread _flour, even though that is not what I asked for and _the bag was clearly labelled_. When I asked my husband why he chose bread flour, the excuse was "I didn't read it. I just grabbed." Yeah, that's a good way to grocery shop. 

Another time, I vomited on our bathroom mat because I could not make it to the toilet. My husband took the nasty mat and hid it in the closet. A grown man didn't know to throw it away or wash it. No, he has to be told like a fcuking toddler. 

I am trying to convey that I understand your frustration. We all expect educated people to comprehend simple tasks...how on earth do they get through school? Your wife seems lazy and childish. It is unacceptable for a stay at home spouse to do nothing. I am currently a student who is not working. I do my bit because if I am not contributing financially, I know I need to pull my weight in other ways. My husband works to provide for us-the least I could do is have dinner ready for the poor guy.

Set boundaries with your wife. She is taking advantage of you!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can see a few possibilities, and I'm a bit like your wife. Even though I test in the very high IQ range, I'm a complete scatterbrain in some ways, and in other ways, I just don't care or perceive things as others do. 

Your vacuum cleaner example had me chuckling because I am exactly like her when it comes to vacuum cleaner bags. Is it because I secretly hate vacuuming? Is it because I became passive-aggressive when I used to get criticized whenever I *did* put in the effort? Is it a lack of interest? Attention-deficit? Maybe a combination of all these things? 

I can't speak for your wife, but I know that for me, it is a combination of at least a few of those things, and it proved very trying to my previous partners. I avoided criticism at all cost, and since I had some pretty critical partners, it was easier for ME if I just let myself be helpless and hired a housekeeper. 

Now I'm in a relationship where criticism is virtually absent, and I have improved a lot in such matters, yet still might be seen by others as less involved than I "should" be. Fortunately, my partner values what I do contribute: Comparable household income as his but without having to leave the house to do it, regular home-cooked meals, completed laundry, and a made bed each day. He still has to vacuum if he wants it done to his standards. Or he may have to ask me to do something, because I genuinely don't notice that the trash bag is full until it's just about overflowing.

So... what does this have to do with YOUR problem? 

I would encourage you to own your own part of it before trying to foist changes on her. How much criticism has she heard from you over the last fifteen years? How often do you treat her as if she's stupid instead of for the good things she is - like a caring mom, or a good listener, or an expert at folding your laundry? 

Focus on how you can help her build confidence instead of breaking down what little she has. (I say she has little because you mentioned she wasn't expected to do much as a child, either.) When she tries and fails to get the vacuum bag right, sincerely thank her for putting in the effort and trying to build her abilities. 

Once you've eliminated criticism and blame from your interactions with her, consider scheduling some fun time for you and her that is based on building new skills: a confidence course, square dancing, whatever... it doesn't matter as long as it gives her a chance to experience personal growth and get your approval for it. 

As you see her confidence grow, I think you'll see her start being ready to either do more at home or to get into the workplace in some way. This would give her still more confidence, as her paychecks reinforce that her skills are worth money to someone. 

And that, my friend, will let you hire a housekeeper who knows how to change a vacuum bag so that you can be free to see her as your partner instead of your employee.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> My husband is an engineer who was also a math prodigy growing up.
> 
> However, he cannot follow a shopping list. He needs to be told obvious details about very simple tasks, like a child. It is very annoying; I expect a university educated engineer to have more common sense. My husband is brilliant, so I don't understand why he can't follow instructions.
> 
> ...


You know EXACTLY what I'm going through. Is it frustrating as all h*ll or what???? It's like every day you want to look at them and go "REALLY???"

My wife went to the store once to get pork chops (for me to cook). She asked what kind and I said anything EXCEPT the thin filet ones (I wanted to grill them). She called me from the store and asked again, what kind to get. Again, I said anything except the thin filet ones. Guess what she brought home? I wanted to scream.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I would encourage you to own your own part of it before trying to foist changes on her. How much criticism has she heard from you over the last fifteen years? How often do you treat her as if she's stupid instead of for the good things she is - like a caring mom, or a good listener, or an expert at folding your laundry?


This is great KathyBatesel.

I wondered after the way the OP responded to my post if he came across to his wife in the same manner.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> This would give her still more confidence, as her paychecks reinforce that her skills are worth money to someone.
> 
> And that, my friend, will let you hire a housekeeper who knows how to change a vacuum bag so that you can be free to see her as your partner instead of your employee.


We had always agreed that she would stay home with our kids until they were both in school, then she would go back to work part time. When the time came, she "changed her mind" and said she likes being a SAHM. Duh...who wouldn't. I sure would. So working is not in her future. But our counselor agrees with you 100% and has told her many times, the most important thing she needs to do is get a job to be around adults and grow. No matter what happens to us. But she still won't do it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This is great KathyBatesel.
> 
> I wondered after the way the OP responded to my post if he came across to his wife in the same manner.


I can pretty much guarantee you that he does come across to his wife in the same manner as he does here. Unless she really is profoundly mentally handicapped (doubtful, given a college education), there's no doubt in my mind that she is fully aware that her husband thinks she's stupid. 

OP, I think the suggestion of a neuropsychological evaluation for your wife is a very good one. Something seems more "off" than I would expect if she were just lazy or a princess. ADHD, apraxia, dyspraxia, or a processing disorder are all things that I think are worth looking into - once things like physical illness or injury are ruled out. If there is a neurological issue, then there are a lot of things that can be done to help your wife and to enable her to help herself.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> When the time came, she "changed her mind" and said she likes being a SAHM. Duh...who wouldn't. I sure would.


This is blatantly disrespectful to SAHM's everywhere, and the fact that they work damned hard. Harder than MANY men (and women) in the workforce full time.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> This is blatantly disrespectful to SAHM's everywhere, and the fact that they work damned hard. Harder than MANY men (and women) in the workforce full time.


I am not disagreeing that being a SAHM is not hard work if one is taking care of small children. But many of us work all day and then come home and spend all evening and weekend doing chores around the house. So that isn't hard work? I don't know how SAHMs can say they work harder than women working all day and then doing all the chores at home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> I am not disagreeing that being a SAHM is not hard work if one is taking care of small children. But many of us work all day and then come home and spend all evening and weekend doing chores around the house. So that isn't hard work? I don't know how SAHMs can say they work harder than women working all day and then doing all the chores at home.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am not saying SAHM's work harder than all working moms, The OP's attitude seems to be that being a SAHM is far preferable and easier to working full time. It's no wonder his wife acts the way she does if that's the way he thinks. Who knows if she actually DOES act the way he says, or if he's just seeing what he wants because he resents the fact she doesn't work.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Well, they agreed she would return to work. She decided she didn't want to. She no longer has small children to raise, so why hasn't she returned to work? I would be upset if I were the OP.

I agree that she probably knows the OP thinks she is stupid, but she doesn't sound too bright. It doesn't appear she's trying to get better either. What I sense from the OP is frustration that she contributes little to the marriage. I would be frustrated too. Why can other women have their acts together and she can't?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> We had always agreed that she would stay home with our kids until they were both in school, then she would go back to work part time. When the time came, she "changed her mind" and said she likes being a SAHM. Duh...who wouldn't. I sure would. So working is not in her future. But our counselor agrees with you 100% and has told her many times, the most important thing she needs to do is get a job to be around adults and grow. No matter what happens to us. But she still won't do it.


It appears you latched on to the part SHE is responsible for and ignored what I said about YOUR responsibility. If this is your typical response, get your belongings together and leave, because it's not going to improve till you change your attitude. Even if she made the changes you'd like to see, you'd be so alert for signs of her "stupidity" that she'd automatically fail and resort to the same behaviors.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Why is the OP responsible entirely because his wife isn't smart? You are blaming her behavior on him. Yes I agree she probably feels he thinks she's stupid, but she isn't trying to do better. So that us entirely his fault? Maybe he tried for a long time and just gave up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Your kids are in middle school so there's no reason she can't go back to work. SAHM is very hard work when the kids are young but not so much when they're teens. Set some new financial goals for your family and tell her she needs to go back to work to help with the goals. "Its critical for family ect..." This is how I handled it with my wife. 

I think your wife pretends to be unable to do things that she doesn't like doing. (By the way, buy a Dyson. It has no bag and nothing works better.). My wife doesn't like cooking and doing laundy and you what happened?. Our dinners started to suck and my shirts were getting ruined so I pleaded with her to stop cooking and doing laundry for me. It took her a while to believe that I was serious about it, but she finally stopped. You'll have to get use to it anyway if she goes back to work. As far as the auto part thing goes, my wife also moves stuff to illogical places. I asked her to never move my stuff again. Now she asks me to put it away or hands it to me which is fine. I can never find the ketchup because it's never on the same shelf ! :rofl:

My wife started with part time jobs using a temp agency and eventually she landed a decent full timer. After about a year of full time work she became more logical about everything and I think it's because she gained her perspective back that she had lost staying in the home for 8 years. She had to commute and deal with office politics which really woke her up. I think peoples brains atrophy when they stay home dealing with brats all day. Its like they begin to drop down to their level and forget their adults.

Peace


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## Love Song (Jan 16, 2012)

Two tips.

Buy a bagless vacuum. 

and 

Get netflix. You just drop those things off in a mailbox. Easy as pie.


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## Good Dog (Mar 28, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm just wondering how many others are out there in a similar marriage. My wife graduated from college but can't decide what pot to use to boil water. She does the most senseless things and it just drives me crazy. I bought an auto part for my truck once. Then I couldn't find it when I was ready to put it on. I searched for hours (and she even offered to help me!). I finally gave up and bought another one. Several months later I found it on the shelf in our laundry room!!! She had "cleaned up" one day and put it in the laundry room of all places. This is just one of hundreds of examples.
> 
> She can't change the bag on our vacuum cleaner that we've had for 15 years. Seriously. And I've shown here more than once and it's just beyond her abilities or something. I've come home and she says "I tried and tried to get that thing in there and can't." 15 years we've had this thing.
> 
> ...


I haven't read the rest of the thread, but I'm in a very similar marriage to yours. The thing that's helped me the most is to just stop trying to do everything for my wife all the time. She did nothing, though she does work a full time job so my comments are limited to the domestic sphere. But what worked for me was just keeping myself from doing everything for her. For example, she'll leave her socks in the middle of the floor when she gets home. I would pick them up for her always. Having been raised by a mother not too unlike the one in Mommy Dearest or whatever that movie was called, I never leave something like socks lying around. But my wife always does. So now we've had dirty socks in the middle of the floor for a couple of weeks, but I no longer kill myself trying to do everything for my wife. I basically limited myself to certain areas that I think are appropriate to take charge of and have left the rest to her. Other than random messes like the socks thing, she's overall become more responsible and less helpless.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Still wondering why you married her...this can't be a huge surprise for you.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> This is blatantly disrespectful to SAHM's everywhere, and the fact that they work damned hard. Harder than MANY men (and women) in the workforce full time.


I think you're making some assumptions here that are not the case in my house. IF she did what most SAHM do, I would completely agree with you that I was disrespectful. But she does NOT. She takes good care of our kids as far as dressing, hygeine, school....but that's where it ends. She waits on them hand and foot. She teaches them nothing about how to survive in life. Laundry, cleaning, anything. The would be as helpless as her when they grow up if it weren't for me. Marriage is not solely about kids. She told me once we shouldn't get divorced "becasue we have two beautiful children and we've been married 20 years". My reply was "If you and don't have a relationship, than those things are secondary."

Do you have co-workers who don't pull their weight at work? Do they deserve the same respect and accolades and salary as the ones that bust their a**? Of course not.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Still wondering why you married her...this can't be a huge surprise for you.


We were YOUNG. Aren't all 20-somethings pretty clueless? You learn as you go. She never matured. Was it unreasonable of me to expect that she would as she got older?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> It appears you latched on to the part SHE is responsible for and ignored what I said about YOUR responsibility. If this is your typical response, get your belongings together and leave, because it's not going to improve till you change your attitude. Even if she made the changes you'd like to see, you'd be so alert for signs of her "stupidity" that she'd automatically fail and resort to the same behaviors.


I am very bitter at this point. No doubt. But it wasn't always this way. I tried and tried and tried to work with her. Did I mention we haven't had sex in 10 years? Yeah, tends to make a man bitter. Even our counselor says she doesn't understand her.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Rowan said:


> I can pretty much guarantee you that he does come across to his wife in the same manner as he does here. Unless she really is profoundly mentally handicapped (doubtful, given a college education), there's no doubt in my mind that she is fully aware that her husband thinks she's stupid.
> 
> OP, I think the suggestion of a neuropsychological evaluation for your wife is a very good one. Something seems more "off" than I would expect if she were just lazy or a princess. ADHD, apraxia, dyspraxia, or a processing disorder are all things that I think are worth looking into - once things like physical illness or injury are ruled out. If there is a neurological issue, then there are a lot of things that can be done to help your wife and to enable her to help herself.


There is no way she would agree to any evaluation. I politely suggested once I thought she might be depressed and she got mad and said no she is not. She thinks she is a perfectly normal wife. But nobody else does. This isn't just my opinion. More than one person has asked me "What does she DO all day???"


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> This is great KathyBatesel.
> 
> I wondered after the way the OP responded to my post if he came across to his wife in the same manner.


I suppose if I'm walking on a sidewalk and a car runs up on it and hits me, it's my fault too, huh? Because "I knew the hazards before doing it" so my demise is of my own doing?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She must be some amazing hottie or she's got magical bedroom skills. I can't imagine otherwise why a guy would hook up with an unmotivated woman who lacked common sense or how one could date such a woman without these traits showing themselves. I don't think it's an issue of being too dumb, more likely, it's an issue of being lazy. A chimpanzee could figure out how to return a movie.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I am very bitter at this point. No doubt. But it wasn't always this way. I tried and tried and tried to work with her. Did I mention we haven't had sex in 10 years? Yeah, tends to make a man bitter. Even our counselor says she doesn't understand her.


Okay, take a deep breath and calm down. The people here are well-meaning, believe it or not! You are FRUSTRATED. However, regardless of your frustration, you are not 100% expunged from the responsibility that comes with being part of this situation.

Your counselor doesn't understand her? Fine. Get another counselor. And here is what I would like to respectfully suggest: find a counselor who has been trained, or follows, Dr. John Gottman. There are lots of marriage counselors out there, but the guy I saw, who goes out to Seattle every year to attend a Gottman refresher conference, was head and shoulders above the rest for me. Go to Amazon and review Gottman's books, or just google him.

I hear your frustration. You feel you need to defend yourself. You feel you are being attacked and that your point of view is being denigrated. Not so. People are giving your their perspectives, from the best of their limited abilities on an internet site.

Let me frame it to you this way: I was married to a rip-roaring alcoholic. I mean, this guy was trashing his life. In and out of jail. Lost his job. Lost his license. Lost his sanity. (Not in that particular order!)

I left feeling completely vindicated. The thing is, I had to own some of the responsibility for the demise of the marriage, addiction aside. No marriage exists in a vacuum.

Yes, you were young and idealistic when you got married. You grew. She did not. She remained the princess. Okay, I realize this sounds corny as he!!, but was she your fairy princess, and you her knight in shining armor?

Why do I ask that? Because you sound like a very responsible, take-charge kind of guy. She sounds like a wounded child who is in need of care and nurturing.

Help me here. I'm grabbing at straws! Heck, I hope some of my hypotheticals are hitting a nerve ... or two.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> “About the auto part... why did you leave it laying around so she could put it on a laundry room shelf?” I seriously hope you were being funny when you said this.


No I was not trying to be funny at all. 

My family members do this. They leave things around the house and get upset later when they cannot find them. It’s up to them to keep track of their stuff, not anyone else. If you don’t like your things just stuffed somewhere, then put it way yourself before she gets a chance to stuff it somewhere.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I suppose if I'm walking on a sidewalk and a car runs up on it and hits me, it's my fault too, huh? Because "I knew the hazards before doing it" so my demise is of my own doing?


You can either continue to throw your pity party and blame your misery and frustration solely on your wife, or own some of the way your marriage has turned out. That's up to you.

10 years of no sex? I would think that someone intelligent and full of common sense (such as yourself) would have maybe done something about that a lot sooner. Like say in year 6 of your marriage when you hadn't had sex in several months. 

What you liked 20 years ago has changed. Who she was 20 years ago is still who she is right now. That's what you do know. You'd rather resent her and enable her than make a decision for yourself. I'm sure you're frustrated with her and the fact that she's the way she is, but you don't have to stay and deal with it. If you've gone to counseling, done the work, then that's all you can do. She's chosen not to change. She's also withdrawn herself from you completely, refusing to meet your needs. That's not a marriage. Do something about it.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> I am not saying SAHM's work harder than all working moms, The OP's attitude seems to be that being a SAHM is far preferable and easier to working full time. It's no wonder his wife acts the way she does if that's the way he thinks. Who knows if she actually DOES act the way he says, or if he's just seeing what he wants because he resents the fact she doesn't work.


I expect he feels this way because after working all day, he does the laundry, cleans and cooks. A SAHM who does not do these things does in fact have it easy. 

I also see no reason to assume he is lying about the allocation of chores. He does need to be respectful of her, and he is to blame for letting it go for 15 years. He needs to own up to that. In a perfect world, he would have sat down and had a discussion over household chores and dividing up responsibilities, but to do so would be more the exception rather than the rule (beyond noting that my wife kept her apartment fairly neat, I never really considered this before I got married). But to attack him because he resents that she is not doing the work as a SAHM is unfair.


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## Thewife (Sep 3, 2007)

Sorry for your situation. Have you ruled out depression, ADD or some other psychological cause? I ask this because I once came across a colleague with a diploma working under me. She can only perform like a 10 or 12 year old and can't do most of the things that requires thinking. We sent her for a psychological assessment and discovered she has ADD. 

The fact that she doesn't know have the basic life skills an adult should have and the lack of interest, hobbies or needs seems like either depression or some psychological condition that was never discovered. Its worth giving it a thought.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Oh wow!

More than dumb I'd say she's lazy. She has no goal and no motivation.
I see no reason for you to love her or find he attractive no matter how much she's hot or has great bedroom skills.
I mean, who needs a hottie when she does NOTHING eventhough she's home all day. 

She's so irresponsible. I don't see how you can still call her your wife and I'm sure you don't feel much proud of her.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> You know EXACTLY what I'm going through. Is it frustrating as all h*ll or what???? It's like every day you want to look at them and go "REALLY???"
> 
> My wife went to the store once to get pork chops (for me to cook). She asked what kind and I said anything EXCEPT the thin filet ones (I wanted to grill them). She called me from the store and asked again, what kind to get. Again, I said anything except the thin filet ones. Guess what she brought home? I wanted to scream.


:lol::lol: She was at the store, asked you and _still brought home the wrong pork chops?? Jesus Claus._

I was getting verbally abusive because the lack of common sense. Now I just shake my head or calmly ask how a silly action makes sense.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

tennisstar said:


> Why is the OP responsible entirely because his wife isn't smart? You are blaming her behavior on him. Yes I agree she probably feels he thinks she's stupid, but she isn't trying to do better. So that us entirely his fault? Maybe he tried for a long time and just gave up?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I'm assuming the OP only has power to change himself, and that's where the buck stops.


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## Bee85 (Sep 10, 2012)

I just found this tread and I have to ask...are you married to my Husband's ex? Jk but it does sound so much like her. It is beyond me how some people can lack common sense and can be so helpless.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not a lack of mind power. Just a resolute refusal to agree with or listen to a single word I've ever said. Ever. Whatever it is, if I say it it's wrong or vaguely incomplete and she will continually ask the same things over and over and over or do the same thing wrong after asking me a hundred times what to do and getting the same answer a hundred times. 

Example, the check engine light came on but the car has to be inspected. So that needs to be fixed. Now it's fixed and the car has to be driven ~50 miles and 2 or 3 drive cycles to reset the sensors. I've explained this more than 30 times in 2 days. Finally I just dialed the repair shop and handed her the phone. She asked about 13-14 questions, it took all of 7-9 minutes and they gave her exactly the same answer I spent 2 days repeating to her. The difference being she listened to what they said and now it's clear and elegant and simple. So from now on, I'm no longer explaining anything. Done. She has a question 'ask a professional'. Don't ask me. Done done done done. Done.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree, your wife sounds like she has some kind of processing disorder. The example about the pork chops was what cinched it for me - she called, and asked, but still couldn't process what you had said - meaning either, she's evil and vindictive (which I don't get the idea she is), or she literally can't hold a thought. Could she have had a mini-stroke or something? Early onset Alzheimers? ADD? 

I'm not being funny or sarcastic, something sounds off.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

did you ever come across someone who obsessively makes a list and then goes out and gets everything that's not on it?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My ex used to do stuff like that, be asked not to do something on account of it being dangerous to the children, etc. Of course, he would do it (and the kids would get hurt...) We went to a counselor and the counselor pulled me aside and advised me to leave him. I think it's likely that he has sociopathic tendencies, and that it's best not to give him too much opportunity to wreak havoc. (Last week both kids 'forgot' stuff at a neighboring library...I told him he needs to check to make sure stuff is brought home on the days he takes the kids after school...never even got a reply or apology for me having to go out there and pick the stuff up.) This is why I strongly suggest both counseling as well as a neuropsych eval for your W, OP. I have learned to make my life as solid as it can be despite 'co-parenting' my kids. I've also taught my kids to be self-advocates, and not to accept unsafe or unreasonable situations from him. My daughter is very assertive. She is 8, he is I think afraid of her in some way. lol


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Starstarfish said:


> I agree, your wife sounds like she has some kind of processing disorder. The example about the pork chops was what cinched it for me - she called, and asked, but still couldn't process what you had said - meaning either, she's evil and vindictive (which I don't get the idea she is), or she literally can't hold a thought. Could she have had a mini-stroke or something? Early onset Alzheimers? ADD?
> 
> I'm not being funny or sarcastic, something sounds off.


She's been this way forever. Early on in our marriage I just figured it was because she was young and inexperienced but would learn. Never happened.

Here's another good one; she won't ever throw old food out of the fridge. It'll sit there till hell freezes over if I don't do it myself. (All part of her inability to make a decision about anything, which is also why our house remains a cluttered mess). Once a week I'll just take all the old crap out and leave it on the counter and then she'll deal with it. So a couple months ago I found a jar of chow-chow in the pantry that apparently someone in her family had given her back at Christmas on a trip I didn't go on. I love that stuff so I opened it, had some and put the rest in the fridge. The next day I couldn't find it. She said she didn't know what it was so she threw it away. Meanwhile she left the week old chicken and some other things sitting in there. AYFKM?????

:banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: :banghead: (Remember, this woman has a college degree.)


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> We had always agreed that she would stay home with our kids until they were both in school, then she would go back to work part time. When the time came, she "changed her mind" and said she likes being a SAHM. Duh...who wouldn't. I sure would. So working is not in her future. But our counselor agrees with you 100% and has told her many times, the most important thing she needs to do is get a job to be around adults and grow. No matter what happens to us. But she still won't do it.


Why would she? She has a sugar daddy that will throw a little fit and not have any bark to his bite.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

She brought home the wrong pork chops because next time she knows you will do it for her. WTH are you still doing all the work around the house? I would never cook/clean up after her again! Do your laundry and the kids laundry (or better yet teach them) When it comes to meal time if she hasn't cooked anything, load the kids up and go get something! Leave her ass at home. 

I'm not sure why I am wasting my time responding, you refuse to take the advice given in any of your threads...locked in a prison with no doors....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sbrown said:


> She brought home the wrong pork chops because next time she knows you will do it for her. WTH are you still doing all the work around the house? I would never cook/clean up after her again! Do your laundry and the kids laundry (or better yet teach them) When it comes to meal time if she hasn't cooked anything, load the kids up and go get something! Leave her ass at home.
> 
> I'm not sure why I am wasting my time responding, you refuse to take the advice given in any of your threads...locked in a prison with no doors....


LOL! Same reason why some guys never get asked to change diapers. Do the job crappy (pun intended) the first couple times, and after that, it's easier for the wife just to do it herself.

BTW, I would never do such a thing. Although I confess as I was dry-heaving, I might have thought about it. A few times. Ok, almost every time.

C


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Is she really stupid, or does she just enjoy playing the helpless female? Does her mother behave this way?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> She brought home the wrong pork chops because next time she knows you will do it for her. WTH are you still doing all the work around the house? I would never cook/clean up after her again! Do your laundry and the kids laundry (or better yet teach them) When it comes to meal time if she hasn't cooked anything, load the kids up and go get something! Leave her ass at home.
> 
> I'm not sure why I am wasting my time responding, you refuse to take the advice given in any of your threads...locked in a prison with no doors....


I'm not sure why you are either. So stop. And it's not that I'm not following peoples advice. I'm just not following your ridiculous advice. Me walking all over her to try and make her stop walking all over me is not a good solution.

I wonder if your wife knows you feel like this and would do this to her if things weren't working out in your home.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

LOL, trust me, she knows one thing. I WILL NOT BE A DOOR MAT. Good luck.

When did standing up for yourself become, walking all over people?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not sure why you are either. So stop. And it's not that I'm not following peoples advice. I'm just not following your ridiculous advice. Me walking all over her to try and make her stop walking all over me is not a good solution. I wonder if your wife knows you feel like this and would do this to her if things weren't working out in your home.


Um, SBrown's advice was right on, not rediculous at all.

What he suggests is not "walking all over her". It's setting your boundaries and sticking by them.

Your response to SBrown shows the root to your problem. You are enabling her to be as she is.

There are people, male and female, who act like they are helpless to get others to do what they do not want to do themselves. The only way to put an end to this sort of behavior is to stop doing for her.

You have been a classic enabler for a long time.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ele, 
Yes. This is a great observation. 

And one of the reasons that bg is in a Sexless marriage is he does not differentiate between enforcing boundaries and being aggressive. 

Note: his wife has achieved total control of her schedule, their sex life, and also manages the money. 

Bg mocks her for being so inept and yet she has him working hard to make money and doing lots of housework. And she does not have to ask permission to spend money. 

And despite all that she has him worrying about walking all over her. 

I personally think she is brilliant.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Mem, I was going to agree with you.
It's sadistically passive aggressive, on BOTH sides.

Complain about how things are done? Get mad when things aren't done exactly YOUR way? Then it's your job, from now on.

Treat a person like a dummy long enough and take over their chores and pretty soon they can't do anything right.

And the flip side to that is how far can you push a person? Lack of respect gone too far. 

Not saying that's what is going on with you. 
But outside of something diagnosable... 15 years worth of training can be hard to overcome, without some help.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I am very bitter at this point. No doubt. But it wasn't always this way. I tried and tried and tried to work with her. Did I mention we haven't had sex in 10 years? Yeah, tends to make a man bitter. Even our counselor says she doesn't understand her.


I don't mean she's not at fault for anything, and I hope you didn't think that's what I was saying. You can only change what you do, though. I wish there was a magic fix that people could wave and they'd suddenly find their relationship to be all that they want it to be, but that's not realistic.

You said you've gone without sex for ten years and you feel bitter. Yes, I'd feel the same way. But if you have truly exhausted your options, it's time to walk. If you haven't, then it's still going to come down to changing what YOU do or how YOU think. Sorry it's that way, but do you really think there's something else?


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

mrsamazing said:


> sounds like a learning disability to me, or add, some sort of undiagnosed mental defect.


This x 100.

My gf has ADD and she does things similar to what the OP describes. There's a lot of reason to believe that it's a genetic disorder (several of her relatives have other brain disorders), but it might be partly learned as well.



> Is she lazy? By my standards, yes. We were raised differently though. *She had to do very little growing up and I had to do a lot to help out*. I think she doesn’t have the mental skills to do what a normal SAHM would do around the house. She can only do one single thing at a time and has tunnel vision. Sees nothing else. There could be a pink elephant in the living room tomorrow and she’d dust right around it and say nothing.


That's how my gf was raised as well. Her parents were _extremely_ religious, so naturally they assumed women were completely useless. She had never mowed the lawn before, she's never used a hammer, a drill, a saw, a gun, or any other common tool (she grew up in a rural area where guns are common). It's borderline child abuse because she suddenly finds herself trying to operate in a world that requires a bunch of skills she doesn't have. She was never expected to do anything. If she did something wrong (as all children do), it was just dismissed as "oh well girls are stupid" and that was the end of it. If her brother made the same mistake, he would be corrected and shown how to properly do what he was trying to do because men are expected to be useful in some way.




> You might want to take her to a neuropsych for an evaluation. If she has changed significantly since she went to college and from when you were dating and first married (as I would suspect by your current frustration), this change of ability could be an indication of something more sinister than just cluelessness.


It's possible she never changed. My ADD gf had very high grades in school, but she never actually learned any of it. She just memorized formulas and facts because that's how ADD brains work. I'll often say "just like high school" when I'm doing something that is directly from high school courses, and she has no idea what I'm talking about because she remembered it long enough to write a test then immediately forgot it. 
Right now she's on ADD medication, but it only helps a little bit. She's still a bit scattered, but the medication makes her a lot less anxious (which is weird because her medication is d-amphetamine which usually makes people more anxious).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?


I tell her to dye her hair so she can increase her intelligence


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Ele,
> Yes. This is a great observation.
> 
> And one of the reasons that bg is in a Sexless marriage is he does not differentiate between enforcing boundaries and being aggressive.
> ...


Yep, crazy like a fox.

This is a woman who has a college degree. She is not stupid. She might have depression, AD/HD or other things that lead to lack of motivation. But what we do know she has is that she is every good at getting others (her husband in particular) to do just about everything.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ele,
LMAO. 

That was the phrase which came into my head when this first came up, crazy like a fox. All of her behaviors produce the result she desires. None of his behaviors, produce the result he desires. 




EleGirl said:


> Yep, crazy like a fox.
> 
> This is a woman who has a college degree. She is not stupid. She might have depression, AD/HD or other things that lead to lack of motivation. But what we do know she has is that she is every good at getting others (her husband in particular) to do just about everything.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> She's been this way forever.


You married a retard. 

A better question might be "why"?



BeachGuy said:


> I suppose if I'm walking on a sidewalk and a car runs up on it and hits me, it's my fault too, huh? Because "I knew the hazards before doing it" so my demise is of my own doing?


It's your fault if it's your own car and it hit you because you didn't set the parking brake.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> WTH are you still doing all the work around the house? I would never cook/clean up after her again! Do your laundry and the kids laundry (or better yet teach them) When it comes to meal time if she hasn't cooked anything, load the kids up and go get something! Leave her ass at home.


:iagree: My PA H's actions speak louder than words, my actions now scream back at him, verbal confrontation causes acute deafness.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I'm not sure why you are either. So stop. And it's not that I'm not following peoples advice. I'm just not following your ridiculous advice. Me walking all over her to try and make her stop walking all over me is not a good solution.


I hear your frustration BeachGuy,

When I first tried to explain my relationship with me PA H here I too was told I was an enabler, but I had stopped enabling him years ago, my actions forced him to take responsibility for his role in our relationship, consequences = Action Jackson. My problem was I would also confront him verbally, no use confronting a PA, I'd have more success & less chaotic confusion climbing Mt Everest without a map! :lol: I stepped away & did my own thing for the kids & myself, I made my happy content place, he wasn't invited, I wouldn't reward bad behaviour so to speak, yeah pathetic like training a child but it works for me, it made him reflect upon his actions, looking at himself, he is a better husband for it.

Please don't think setting boundaries is walking all over your wife, I have them, if he steps over, I retreat & do my own thing, he responds positively to this tactic. Intimacy was always on his terms, now if he doesn't respect my needs I don't respect his, when he reflects & respects my needs I respond positively to his needs, I don't let him drive down his one way street.

I have found a balance but there are no short routes with my PA H, it's always the long scenic route, which does require more effort, which is why I have formed my own private zoned area of peace. I continuously have to hang onto the ball, if I drop it & it lands in his hands he will bounce me about to his own rythme, which causes a major relapse into past habits, requiring me to pull him back again.

We have our roles to uphold within a marriage but a PA doesn't do it willingly, it requires tact.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Q:What do you do when your spouse has ZERO common sense?

A: Suffer. 

My wife's sister and her husband are BOTH lacking any common sense. I am aghast at what they do and the course of their lives and how it has taken its toll on their children. 

However, there is no such legal construct as "criminally stupid", so they roam freely.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Needpeace said:


> I hear your frustration BeachGuy,
> 
> When I first tried to explain my relationship with me PA H here I too was told I was an enabler, but I had stopped enabling him years ago, my actions forced him to take responsibility for his role in our relationship, consequences = Action Jackson. My problem was I would also confront him verbally, no use confronting a PA, I'd have more success & less chaotic confusion climbing Mt Everest without a map! :lol: I stepped away & did my own thing for the kids & myself, I made my happy content place, he wasn't invited, I wouldn't reward bad behaviour so to speak, yeah pathetic like training a child but it works for me, it made him reflect upon his actions, looking at himself, he is a better husband for it.
> 
> ...


I decided I was an enabler of my wife’s PA simply because I was married to her and living with her. Boundaries while living with her had no effect whatsoever. It wasn’t me that was the problem it was her and because of that whoever she’s with, she will be passive aggressive with. It’s a fact of life.


The only boundary that works with a true PA, violent person is total and absolute No Contact because that’s the only way you’ll ever be assured of them never hurting you again. Although they will try via other people and in indirect (as is their nature) ways. Then it becomes a matter of managing and coping in the hope that they’ll just go away when they realise they can’t hurt you anymore no matter what they try and don’t get any responses whatsoever.


That’s what people don’t realise about living with a person with a personality disorder, be it PA or whatever. They don’t realise they are an enabler of their own abuse simply because they continue to live with the abusive person!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> My wife went to the store once to get pork chops (for me to cook). She asked what kind and I said anything EXCEPT the thin filet ones (I wanted to grill them). She called me from the store and asked again, what kind to get. Again, I said anything except the thin filet ones. Guess what she brought home? I wanted to scream.


Read http://www.amazon.co.uk/Awareness-A...5192/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1346613803&sr=8-1 and also learn about Mindfulness. Both are a bit of a journey and life changing.

For example you think your wife bought exactly what you asked her not to because she’s dim, scattered brained or something. I imagine it got you mad and frustrated, angry and somewhat perplexed.

But what if it was a deliberate act to wound and hurt you? What if what she really wanted to do was pull your chain, ring your bell, shet test you? I can tell by your posts that you’ve been failing shet tests for years.

Your wife seems to have you exactly where she wants you. She most definitely has control of your emotions and can manipulate you psychologically and emotionally any time she likes and for whatever reason she feels like.

Another read for you is Hold on to Your Nuts: The Relationship Manual for Men: Amazon.co.uk: Wayne M. Levine: Books.


It’s about time you understood your wife is really a bright woman who has you totally under her control and that you are the dumb ass in your marriage.


If you see truth in the above, do not challenge your wife with it for its absolutely guaranteed you wont get anywhere with her and your new found knowledge.

Read the books and learn more.


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