# Should I call his bluff?



## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

AmImad said:


> My H left just over 3months ago, is living away from us, and seems to have no intention of coming home, I am desperately trying to do plan a, but feel like I am failing on a grand scale.
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> I have been looking into divorce, I didn't have a clue how to go about it. I am feeling like he is sat there laughing at me. Should I call his bluff? Tell him I am not happy with the way he's treating me, that I am seeking legal advice?  In hope that it will scare him a bit?


IMHO, the threat of divorce should NEVER be in idle one. You should only pull that card if you are really feeling like it's what you want to do. Also understand that it's possible that he's just not wanting to be married to you anymore. I don't know your history (forgive me for not reading) but if he left and is having he time of his life without you, you probably need to accept the idea that he might not be coming back. Tricks and scare tactics should not be what keeps a person with you. Finally, don't you deserve to be with a man that wants to be with you? I hope that you find peace in your situation. Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad~

Do you love your husband or not? I mean seriously, think about that a minute. You *claim* "But I HAVE TO be in contact with him because I love him..." but I challenge you on that. When you love someone, you do what is BEST FOR THEM even if it is hard for you. What I see you doing, over and over again, is making up reasons why you HAVE TO do we've told you is going to be bad for the marriage, usually "because you hurt so much"

"I HAVE TO contact him because I love him. He keeps being mean to me and it hurts so much so I HAVE TO tell him..." 

No you don't. You have to STOP thinking of all these tricks to trick him into loving you, and START thinking of two things: a) do what is in your own best interest and b) do what is in HIS best interest! Do you love him? * PROVE IT* by stopping all these shenanigans and doing what will help him as a man, husband and father...even though it is difficult for you!!!

Do you love yourself enough to only have a partner who voluntarily chooses to give 100% of his affection and loyalty only to you? Or are you willing to take crumbs? Are you willing to settle for someone who doesn't really love you, but you tricked him into it? 

*If you REALLY do love yourself*, then stop putting up with his :bsflag: and act like you have the discipline to live through some "hurting" to get to REAL LOVE!! 

*If you REALLY do love him*, then stop standing in the way of him experiencing the consequences of his choice. As long as you prevent him from living with the aftermath of his decisions, guess what? He'll keep making that choice over and over again! 

His choice has been to ditch you and the children for some tart he met over the internet! You have been with him for years and the two of you lived together and worked together to build a LIFE!! The children are flesh of his flesh and have adored him since they were born!! And all that was worth LESS to him than some jezebel who lured him over the web. I personally think that is a "less than smart" choice but he's an adult and can decide that. But make no mistake...he will learn his lesson FAR FASTER if someone who supposedly "loves" him didn't stand in the way and prevent him from living with the repercussion of his choices. 

Now, I know I'm being and sound pretty harsh here, but I'm trying to give you a Hollywood Reality Slap. WAKE UP! There are no magic words to make him love you. There are no magic actions to trick him into loving you. There is no way to avoid hurting. If you love him, then let him learn that choosing to ditch you is going to cost him. Letting him learn that is going to hurt you...you can not avoid that. 

So stop. *Just STOP*. 










Stop trying to avoid the pain and trick him into loving you again, and get busy. It will not be easy and it will be hard and it will hurt--I can guarantee you it will hurt--but if you endure some pain now, you have a chance he will learn and return. If you keep trying to trick him and avoid the pain now, he won't learn...you won't learn...and there is no chance for the marriage to survive.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Who says it is a bluff? I haven't read your other posts, so I'm not sure what is going on in your situation. But, I agree with Orion's post. Don't make a threat unless you are prepared to deal with the consequences. After my estranged husband had been gone for a year, I did finally give him an ultimatum. Either he move back in the house and seriously work on the marriage, or I would file for divorce. After a year, I had had enough and needed an answer. Mission accomplished--I got my answer.

If your husband has been gone three months, you probably do need to speak to an attorney though. You need to take measures to look out for yourself and know what your options are. However, you may want to keep that consultation to yourself--until you decide which path to take.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

You probably need to realize, he may likely not be bluffing. Even more likely, is that he is calling YOUR bluff because he knows you won't do it. 

If your going to do it, do it. Don't tell him, inform him or warn him.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I hope you know, AmImad, that I gave you that Reality Slap because I care. Shoot if I didn't care I wouldn't respond to you at all--or I just wouldn't write. 

I can really understand how you feel and what you're doing because I did the exact same thing, and I thank God for friends who stuck with me while I kept going back and doing the same things over and over...they stuck with me until I did finally see it. So I know that what has to happen is that you have to see it and do it for you, not for me. So I do understand what you mean when you say your promise isn't for me. Nothing personal, but it isn't! I live maybe thousands of miles from you and I don't have to live your life in your skin--right? You do! 

Now, on your other thread I'm going to write to you about what the OW's H said and about what I told you about your H "being there for you" during your illness. Do you remember when I wrote to you about that before? We can go over that again, and make sure you understand what's happening and why...and then whenever you have a "temptation" to call, email, text, or write him, I want you to come on here instead and talk to us. Okay? 

See ya over there in your other thread.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

Amimad just happened to read your posts this AM find comfort in the fact that you are not alone keep your spirits up and know others are on your side. AC your posts are great!

May we all find the strength to get through our situations!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Stick to your guns girl, you can do it!!!! This site has helped me soooo much!!!! These people know what they are talking about, and btw, us geek girls have to stick together, I play WoW too!!  and *Hugs* to you.


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## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

I am attending a divorcecares class I have also found it helpful it provides a human component they have a website to find nearby groups usually run by a church gets. Focus is to get through the trauma of D but it covers forgiveness and reconcilliation as well I have found it very helpful for myself. I found it only by chance when trying to find a live support group for this situation. Seems most peopls there are ther due to a DS.
I have had the goal to save my M and keep my family intact. But I chose to attend this class as another learning and preparing for the worst tool.

Stay strong, blue skies and sunshine over my head today there's always something to smile about 



_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Get him a card, do stop trying to second guess him. Behave and live your live without him . The 180 says do not appear needy, be strong and independent and get on with your life without him. Read the 180 every day and keep to it. You will have far better results focussing and changing yourself than chasing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> ...He's coming for dinner tonight, part of me doesn't want him to come, as I hate it when he leaves. He hasn't seen me in a week, the last 2 days I've not really been in contact, I wonder if he's noticed the difference? He sent me a text last night telling me he fell asleep on the sofa and wished me good night, and said "see you tomorrow" I wonder if he's looking forward to seeing me?


Ummm...why is he coming to dinner again? Has he agreed to give 100% of his affection and loyalty to you? Is he facing the consequences of his choice to leave his wife? Or while you're sick with cancer are you cooking him dinner while he fools around with the OW on FB? 

I would suggest telling him you don't feel up to seeing him, cleaning the house or cooking, and that when you do feel up to it, you'll call him. Then go to the hospital, and come home and relax. 

Seriously, at this point he needs very badly to realize that if he chooses to continue to contact the OW secretly, he will not have YOU to cook his dinner. He will be cooking for himself, doing his own dishes, and spending the night ALONE. 



> I've asked before, but should I get him a valentines card? I am worried he won't bother getting me one, and that will hurt, I don't want to look like a fool. Maybe I shouldn't get one, and if he does by chance get me one, he may realise I meant business? Or is that a love buster?


I would skip the card and maybe get a somewhat neutral gift like a gift certificate for a free car wash...or $20 for a dinner-for-one at a local restaurant. That way you are not being thoughtless but you won't look like a fool, and it is somewhat appropriate to the way he is treating you. 

And by the way--I'm not encouraging "tit-for-tat" here but more like that Reality Slap. Remember it? He needs a good old dose of REALITY, and reality is that if he keeps on making the deliberate choice to act like this, he will no longer have you around to meet his needs! And I doubt of OW's H will allow them to continue fooling around much longer...so he'll have no one. This will help him learn his lesson faster: that if he wants someone to meet his needs, you are willing but in order to have that kind of partner in life he needs to BE that kind of partner in life. 

So if there is absolutely no way to cancel, I personally suggest that you let him eat with the kids and avoid all contact by being in your bedroom until he leaves...but frankly that will be MUCH harder on you, and I can pretty much guarantee you will cave in. 

AmImad--you need to break your own dependence on him as much as he needs to break with the OW. Right now you are addicted to contacting him, and it it is not "for the kids" to have him come over and eat dinner with you. After you're divorced you will drop the kids at his house and HE will cook for the kids and HE will do their dishes!  You will not see him anymore, and more importantly HE WILL NOT SEE YOU and will no longer have any say in your life. Right now he thinks he'll have the "thrill" of some new woman and you to boss around or blame for things. So show him you mean business. NO means no, and if he insists tell him "Then I'll bring the kids by and you can cook for them and spend time with them at your place. I said no."

(P.S. It is now 1:35am here in the USA so I'm off to bed. I'll check on you as soon as I can in the morning, and hopefully Eli-Zor is an earlier timezone and can help too.)


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Stop analysing what you think he thinks, the way to recovery is to ignore him, he can start feeling anxious and wonder what you are doing. Do not give him feedback on your hospital visit , if he cared enough he would have been there with you, if he calls you may choose to give details keep this to a high level as you would to an aquaintance. The suggestion from
AC to give him a voucher or something is a good option.

You are doing far better than were a few days ago, stay focused it will get easier for you. Over time you will be on the position to determine your way forward without any games from your husband.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Have you formalised the support payment etc....This to ensure you are not left financially embarrassed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have your answer, time to go plan B . Have you bought the book surveying an affair? It explains plan B. Rest do not take any calls or messages from him, no dinner invites, no divorce conversations. Today he is not your friend, he is in the fog and if you divorce he must understand he will never be your friend. 


Be hard on him, avoid all conversation with him unless your children are sick etc. No more Mrs Nice, gloves are off and time for tough action to ensure you and your children are protected, when he wakes up it will be your decision to allow him back or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Do not answer him and do not let him in your house, he is abusing you and you should start being firm on your boundaries for your own well being.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Do you think he is just saying all of that to keep me hanging on?


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

Eli-Zor said:


> Do not answer him and do not let him in your house, he is abusing you and you should start being firm on your boundaries for your own well being.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


AIM.....I got one question....if he lives somewhere else, why can't he have dinner with the kids there instead of coming to your house and telling you he doesn't miss you ???

I assume that would make it easier on you to do the 180.....?!?!?

Just make sure you look and act sexy when he comes to pick them up and returns them....


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

AmImad said:


> I started seriously doing the 180 2 days ago. I wish I had just said to him last night I am NOT talking about 'us'
> 
> Love Busters has arrived. Least I have something to do this weekend now.


I so hear what you're saying....I'm trying a moderate 180 since we're divorced yet still living together....it's hard....so hard....


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

AmImad said:


> He lives with his sister an hour away, so and her house isn't exactly 'child friendly' he came over as we were celebrating. We we're trying to work on being friends and having family time together once a week.


NOTE TO SELF: AmImad--he is the one who chose to NOT work on his marriage, leave his children, and move to a place that is not "kid friendly" and an hour away. He will learn his lesson faster if he is not coddled and has to face what life will be like if he continues this choice. The natural consequence of his choice is that HE will have to come up with a way to spend time with his children on his own--without you giving him a way and making it easy for him. 

If you are in the second day of No Contact/Plan B then when he texts, do not read it. When you see its from him, delete it. Do not allow his words to pierce your heart and string you along. When he emails, do not open them and read them...delete them (return to sender would be better but there usually isn't such a thing for emails). The reasoning is two-fold: 1) Right now he believes (in his affair "foggy" thinking) that he can have the fun and freedom of a single life...and have you to take care of responsibilities AND meet a couple needs here and there as he needs them; he believes after a divorce that you would still "be friends", he'd still have a say in your life, he would be able to see the kids "when he wants" in your home, etc. 2) Right now you are entangled with him, thinking you are to blame for his choice, you have to let him be free, you have to take care of the kids, you should lure him back to loving you with "being loving" etc. and you need to disentangle from him as much as he needs to learn that HIS CHOICES mean no more YOU!! Thus your No Contact/Plan B is not only for him, but also for you. 

For example, in real life, he should be paying child support right now. His responsibility to provide for his children does not end because he chooses to not be in their life! So would his "single lifestyle" be somewhat cramped if he had to pay 1/3 of each paycheck for his children? In real life, he would either have the children ON HIS OWN half the time or the child support to you would increase. Would his "single lifestyle" be more difficult if he had to figure out a way to get his kids to and from school? Do homework with them at night? If he's their father, why is he not doing those things? So he'd have to drive an hour each way? TOUGH! He's the one that chose to leave and move there--and that's the cost of his choice! 

Now bear in mind, AmImad, I am not saying these things to be an angry, bitter, or spiteful person. No this is done in a spirit of complete calm and based in reality. It is REALITY to expect a parent to continue to meet their responsibilities toward their own children--if he wants to leave you he is free to do so but YOU will not stand in the way and allow him to avoid his parental duties. If it "inconveniences" him...well he can always choose to end the affair and come home can't he? So although he may blame you and say you're being spiteful, you're not. You are ALLOWING him to make choices for his life and live with the cost of those choices. 

Get it?


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

I have deleted my other post as, yesterday I found my H was looking at my laptop when I was out of the room, this is my safe haven and he could blantently work out who I am from what I had written.

I do find it amusing how the tables have started to turn, albeit slowly, but as I am not telling him what my plans are, he has started to snoop around to find out what I am doing..?

Anyway AC, thank you for that article, I shall read it later. I am doing as much research as I can, so I can communicate better, I wonder how the hell we made it through so long!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Did you sit down and create a schedule for him to have the children? Going forward do not allow him into your home until all the requirements for restoring the marriage are met, set the bar high and keep those boundaries.

You will notice with time and you maintaining firm boundaries you will become stronger and less affected by his behaviours. Keep a couple of paces ahead and let him be on the backfoot. Stay on track it sounds like you are slowly getting control of your life.

Create a list of todo items and a target date to complete each item. You must plan for the future , always assume the worst so there are no surprises should it go wrong. You have not responded to the CSA question , do not avoid it , you have to know where you stand legally ignoring it does not make the problem go away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

No, not as yet. Was unwell today, plan on getting sorted tomorrow.

Well something interesting happened today, I received a bouquet of flowers today, I text the H to ask if they were from him- maybe sent from the children... Nope... He's not a happy bunny, he got quite arsey with me, but apologised & said it's not really his concern... Jealousy maybe? Thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

:rofl: Sorry, but that was quite a smooth move


> I text the H to ask if they were from him


 :smthumbup:

Got him thinking, didn't it ?!?!?!

No further comment, just loved this part !!!!!!


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

He has asked if we can have dinner on Friday evening, as a reward for no R or A talk and us getting on better... He knows that I have given up on 'us' that I'll be here when he is ready to commit 100% He said he would like to watch tv sat next to me, snuggled up, without me reading too much into it? 

I sent him a silly text of a rubbish valentines card (txt) that I was sent as a joke and he got really funny about it, when I didn't respond straight away as to who it was from he sent me "So no telling who it's from then. Ok."

I asked him why he asked and was being funny and he said "Becauss I was being a d*ck and it's none of my concern." Opinions please people?

I did ask him if he sent anyone a V Day card/msg, he said no, no one and he swears on our kids... like he wanted to really let me know he didn't... rather than just saying no...

Also with the flowers, he said if he had sent them, he would have sent Lillies.. (my fav).. maybe I am just reading too much...

Does anyone think his fog maybe starting to lift? I know he is isn't commiting still, doesn't want me to 'read' into things and it's very hard not too... but I think my new attitude has made a bit of a difference...:scratchhead:


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Well maybe another little break through I am not sure.. but he has said whilst we are seperated he is going to be 100% faithful.. he's still not saying he wants to work on us.. but does this seem like a positive? Or is it because now I am moving on and getting stuff done for me?


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

AmImad said:


> Well maybe another little break through I am not sure.. but he has said whilst we are seperated he is going to be 100% faithful.. he's still not saying he wants to work on us.. but does this seem like a positive? Or is it because now I am moving on and getting stuff done for me?


I think the flowers scared him that you were moving on, and he said that in hopes that you'd feel obligated to remain single as well. I'm not sure if I'd believe him.


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## AmImad (Jan 28, 2011)

Its so hard to know what's going through their tiny minds..

I have backed off alot, doing things for myself and he seems more interested. But I don't know if that is just to make sure I don't move on completely? 

I am trying to do the plan A thing, with a big dollop of 180 thrown in for good measure, I am polite when he calls the children and I may reply to an odd text message. But there is no talks about 'us' whatsoever.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

It is a slow process, your husband is not likely to come round before your Plan B timelimit . Carry on as you are, Plan A him, when the change comes he must know what he is missing, spend some time giving thought to who your intermediary will be for plan b and how you legally secure your financial position.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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