# My first post - my husbands secrets have finally been discovered



## standingbymyman

I met my husband almost 12 years ago. We had an instant connection and married probably sooner than we should have. He was 27 still living at home with his mother and I was 21 out living on my own since 17. It wasn't long before I moved into the house he shared with his mother and not long after that I was pregnant with our child. We decided to get married which we did on June 15, 2002. Our child was born in November and one of the greatest blessings to come from our relationship. After having our child we moved into one of my parents rental houses so we could begin a life together on our own. 

My husband came from a broken home. His father left him, his sister and his mother to live in a filthy trailer, with no money and never contacted them for years after leaving. I came from a home where my parents remained married but it was not healthy. I witnessed the fighting, the yelling, screaming and even one of my parents leaving for a few nights then coming back on again off again. Neither one of our situations was healthy for any relationship.

Our marriage was great the first few years. Then I found porn on the computer. I threw an absolute fit and he assured me that because I wasn't having sex with him often enough (Probably once per month) that the porn helped him to pleasure himself. It made sense to me and I became ok with it to the point of even watching it with him in the bedroom. I had read that it could be fun to do and watch and to get ideas as a couple. It was ok for me.

Fast forward to 2008 he began a new job which paid a lot of money and they seemed like great people a family run business. I also began a new job that year. We were in a good spot in our lives. As time went on he became more miserable at his job and his bosses mood swings. I witnessed them from time to time and yes they were bad. I wanted to him to leave that job and find another but we were so stretched financially that he had to find another job before he could leave that one. The thing is he didn't want to put any effort into it. He wanted me to make his resume' to contact the companies and send them the info if they were hiring. I told him I would make his resume' but the rest was up to him. I made it, but he never did anything with it. Things continued to spiral out of control at his job then in 2010 I began having medical issues with my back. I went several months not being able to hardly walk, in so much pain it was unbearable and eventually I wore myself down to see a back specialist. I had an MRI, x-rays etc and come to find out I have degenerative disc disease, spinal stenosis, a herniated disc pressing on my sciatic nerve and several bulging discs. It was determined that I had lived in pain long enough and surgery was scheduled for the following week to bring relief. I had my surgery and 6 weeks recovery time. I immediately felt better however, because I was adamant of not going to a doctor, I have permanent nerve damage in my leg from waiting too long to help the problem. At the point of my surgery our sex life had dwindled from once a month to 3-4 times a year. His attitude got worse and we were pretty much miserable.

In late October 2011 his work van, sitting outside our house, was broken into. Being the good wife I went out to try and help him to clean up the mess, all the broken glass and to take pictures of it. When I went out to help he turned around and immediately put his hand, clenched tightly, behind his back and proceeded to walk to the trashcan. I asked him what he had and he wouldn't answer. So I went over, pried his hand open and there in his hand were 3 condoms (still in wrappers). I asked him why he had them in his work van and his response was that he just had not brought them into the house in case our child were to find them. That he sometimes used them when he would pleasure himself instead of paper towels as it was easier clean up. I was devastated and I wanted to believe him, as he is such a good man I didn't think it was possible for him to ever cheat and he never showed any signs of cheating prior to this. He always came home after work, he always called me when he got off early, he just simply was never gone from home other than for work to have the opportunity to cheat. I was heartbroken as I knew in my heart something wasn't right with this story so I got in my car and I attempted to drive away. He stopped me crying hysterically asking, begging and pleading for me not to go. He swore to me he was telling me the truth. I left and drove myself to work hysterically crying. I called my best friend immediately letting her know what I discovered and instead of going to work I drove to her house. She sat and assured me that my husband was not this type of a person. She knew it and I knew it. In all honesty in my heart I did but there was still something nagging at me that something wasn't right.. I didn't have concrete evidence that anything happened. I was determined I was leaving him. I didn't know when or how but my mind was made up that we were through. I told him that night when he came home from work I felt it best that we separate. We continued to live together for a couple of weeks until I figured it out for sure. Then one day he sat me down and said we need to figure out what we are doing. If we are staying together, or if we are divorcing so that I can take my ring off and move on. It hurt to hear those words from him. I told him we could try marriage counseling but he would have to find someone cheap that we could afford to go to and he would have to be willing to give 100% of himself to do this. He assured me he would and without a second thought the appt was set and we began to attend counseling.

We began counseling and nothing ever seemed to come out of it. He did little things for me as bring me flowers, leave me little notes etc. that the counselor told him to do. My husband isn't a romantic, nor is he one to sit and discuss his feelings at all. Things seemed to continue to improve and we made the decision to stay together and even put back the money to take our first family vacation on our 10 year anniversary, though we did quit going to counseling. It didn't do anything for either of us other than make me want to strangle the counselor. What can I say she was cheap and it showed! This past year I thought was one of the better ones we have had within the past 4-5 years. Although whenever he would kiss me it would only be when he wanted sex. We still only continued to have sex 4 or 5 times last year, not because I didn't want to, but it just still didn't feel like anything was there. Something was missing...We never seemed to be a close couple as we once were. I still didn't see the signs. I don't know if I just turned a blind eye and didn't want to see them or if they just weren't there. Things were fine in my eyes.

In early January this year his employer decided he was shutting his doors and laid off everyone. My husband was out of a job just like that. He and I were both relieved though as it seemed what had destroyed us for so long was finally over. He began looking for other jobs and within 2 weeks he had several job opportunities and was back to work again. Not easy to do in this economy! I began paying attention his our phone records and realized that he was using a ton of data on our plan. I asked why and he said he thought he had an app that was doing something funny and he took it off. Last month he almost went over on data so I asked for his phone and deleted all kinds of things I thought was causing this problem. This month I receive an email stating that 11 days into our cycle and he had used 50% of data on his phone already. This was April 24. Again, I asked what that was for and he responded that he had to look up a couple of addresses to get directions for as his work GPS was not bringing it up. I told him even if he did that it would not take that much data to do so. Then he said he will have to stop reading his nfl mobile on his phone that was the only other thing he could think of. I replied with there is no way as there are times he is using 2000 bytes and as many as 13000 at a time. I am not stupid and I know something is going on and for once it would be nice to have a straight answer. He responded saying they have files he has been downloading to listen to when he drives. I asked what exactly does the nfl have going on at the moment since it's off season and that when I went to delete the problem files on his phone I didn't see anything nfl on there. He then said he had been listening to howard stern podcasts. 

Upon arriving home that night I began to snoop as much as I possibly could. He always deleted his emails and all the history on the computers. For some reason I went to gmail and typed in his screen name on our home email accts and the same password, low and behold he has a gmail account. There were no emails, but there were contacts in his contact lists. Upon clicking on the contacts I noticed they were for personal ads on craigslist. I googled every single one of them. I didn't get any responses except for one that said "New glory hole opening soon". I called and asked him about it. He denied ever cheating and responded that he inquisitively responded to a few of the ads. I told him at that point I could never trust him to tell me the truth. Everything at this point was nothing but lies and I was sick and tired of it. I gave him my wedding rings and he threw his at me. I woke up the next morning to a note stating for me to figure out what I wanted out of the house and that he would like to keep the house for the animals sake and for his mother's. (She currently lives rent free in our rental apartment above our garage) Also that he wanted us to remain friends for our childs sake and doesn't want a bitter court battle. He texted me that he was sorry for everything he put me through. I texted him that I would like for him and I to just sit down and talk about things that night (April 25) and asked if he would be willing to take a lie detector test to prove once and for all that he was telling me the entire truth his reply was whats the point it's not going to change your outlook on me. At that point I had my answer. His mom told me that when I took off my ring and handed it to him that he felt like he was destroyed. He himself contacted his mom to see if she would keep an eye on our child so that we can talk and she agreed. When I arrived home that night I knew there was more to it. 

I went to yahoo and typed in the same email handle only the password was wrong. I went through a few questions and before long I was able to change the password and log in. What I found left me in absolute shock, disgust and disbelief. I found emails that he had "50 flowers" (money) and would like to stop in. Others stating how many flowers for oral and or sex. Conversations that when he told me he was on call and on his way to work he was actually meeting up on his way to work to get his fix before going. Others asking hey remember me can we play today. Several others that he sent emails too that were not returned or deleted. Then I found the craigslist account where he actually posted it has to be now - just as title says I can host need someone to show me what real sex is. Then others like the wife is gone tonight looking for sex nothing more just sex and maybe a little cuddling afterwards. These posts were made from early 2011. I texted him and told him I found the yahoo email account and that I suggest he get home NOW. Then I called him and asked if he had anything to say. To which he replied very softly "no". 

I grabbed my keys and went to withdrawl money out of our account as I didn't know what was going to happen. It wasn't soon after I arrived home that he arrived as well. He came in and immediately the words out of his mouth were that he knew a guy that is good at comps and actually made up that yahoo account so that it would be an easier out for me and closure when I found it. I told him I wasn't stupid and if he really wanted me to believe that than to get that guy on the phone to tell me himself. He said he promised him he wouldn't involve him in any of it. I told him regardless of whether it be now or later I had forwarded all those emails to an account of mine that he doesn't have access too and it would come up when I contact the authorities and take him to court over custody. That I refuse to subject my child to craigslist hookers and I have proof and I would fight. 
I asked again about a lie detector and he said he had no feelings for me anymore and that he hasn't for a long time and it's best we go our separate ways. I told him fine to get his stuff and to get out. He stated it was his house too and he wasn't going anywhere. I looked at him and just simply asked...are you a sex addict? He started crying uncontrollably and admitted everything. He even told me it had been ongoing for a couple of years and there were 6-7 women but just oral was ever received. I told him everything that he and I are going through will have to be put on a back burner for now and that if he was willing to admit it then we needed to get him help. I told him I want him to be here for our child, unlike his father who was never there for him. Not to be dead in 5 years from some disease. He admitted he wanted and needed help and I told him I would help him in anyway that I could and stand by his side through all of it. After we heal him then we could try to heal us if that is what both of us wanted. He said he didn't want to lose me and to please help him. I told him until I could find him someone to go to I was taking away his cell phone, turning off the internet and he was not to withdrawl any cash what so ever out of our account. I told him I had to take every step possible to quit enabling the behavior and he agreed 100%. We left it at that as he was still visibly upset and both of us emotionally drained. I asked him if his work phone had internet access and he said he wasn't sure, that he signed a paper when he hired in not to use the phone for personal use or he could be charged and/or fired if he did. He said he liked where he was working now and he didn't want to risk that. I took the day off Friday to call around and finding someone to go to. Not only did I find someone I also found a SAA meeting in our hometown! I didn't even know they existed. Not only did I find both of those but I also started my own bank account to start putting money in just in case in the long run things don't work out. I have to protect myself but more importantly my child.

In the past few days I have seen a lot of change from him already. His attitude has improved 100%, he is now writing in a notebook everyday about his feelings, his emotions as it is so hard for him to do with words. He even lets me read it every night when he is finished writing. He has even said he wants to attend the meetings, he cannot wait to get the help that he needs at the therapist and that he even wants to find a church to start attending. He admitted to wanting to go through and get rid of all the porn in our house and we did that Sunday. Our home is now 100% free of adult items. He also said that he feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off of his shoulders since the truth had come out. (He still claims in his writings that it was all oral and never anything more) At this point it doesn't matter. What's done is done and we both know he needs help. Our first appointment is May 14. 

I have talked to my best friend in regards to this and she thinks I am absolutely out of my mind for staying. (Mind you the same one that thought I was crazy for wanting to leave last time as he wasn't that type of a man) I told her I wasn't doing anything right now but standing by him and getting him the help that he so desperately needs. I haven't talked to her much since then as a matter of fact I don't think I have talked to her at all. He and I are still sleeping in the same bed together and last night he hugged me, kissed my forehead, and said that he loved me and never wanted to let me go. I feel this is going a little too far too quickly and he has to know that this type of behavior is not ok. Yet at the same time I want him to know I do really care for him and I want him to get better.

I know this is long and I probably lost most of you a while ago but for those still hanging in there have I completely lost my marbles? Any advice?


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## 3Xnocharm

Its only been a few days, so you have lots of relapses coming ahead in the near future. That's just the nature of an addict trying to deal with an addiction. Are you prepared for that? Can you deal with starting this ordeal over and over? He may do great for weeks, even months, but a relapse is going to happen before any chance of it becoming better for good. I commend you for giving this a chance, that would not be the case were this me. Good luck to you.


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## standingbymyman

I guess I haven't really sat down and thought about that. I have no experience with addiction I just know that all signs pointed to sex addiction from reading after I found everything. Definitely gives me something to think about.


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## Hope1964

My husband is a sex addict. I discovered it just over three years ago. You can read my story through the link in my signature if you like - it's remarkably similar to your story.

You are not crazy, but you do need to know what you're in for. Addicts do not get better just like that. You have a lifetime of vigilance on your hands, and so does your husband.

Is he seeing a CSAT? They will require that he take a polygraph - my bet is that there's a lot more to what he did than he's telling you. You may never get the full truth.

There's some reading at the end of my story for sex addicts and their spouses, if you're interested.

I wish you both all the best. SAA is a great group - my husband attends SAA once a week.


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## Hope1964

Oh, and I am very impressed with the way you've handled things 

Have the two of you been tested for STD's?


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## standingbymyman

Thank you Hope! No we haven't been tested, that is next on our agenda and top priority. It took everything I had not to completely flip my lid, fly off the handle and completely go crazy and lose my mind. At that point though it would not have done either of us any good. My main concern at this point is getting the help he so desperately needs to keep from hurting himself any further and to guarantee that our child will have a father figure around whether we are together or not. After we work on trying to heal him then we can begin to heal us as a couple were my exact words to him. It seems these days people are so quick to throw away their marriage and that is not something I am ok with. I know that if things don't work out at least I will know I gave it my all and that none of this was my fault. 

He was shocked that I said I would stand with him through all of this and that was his reasoning for saying what he did about not feeling anything for me. That he figured this was the easiest way for me to have closure and move on. He said he didn't deserve me and he's right at this point right now he sure doesn't, but hopefully with a lot of time he will again. Only time will tell. I am still a mixed bag of emotions and I had to find somewhere to let it all out! I will definitely read your story as I think it would help tremendously to hear from someone who has been there done that.


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## eyuop

That sort of blatant infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. I think the scales of trust would be so lopsided if this were my wife that I would have to move on. We've been married for almost 18 years and there is full trust in each other -- and even then sometimes things are difficult. I couldn't imagine staying married in your situation. There is a reason that infidelity is a legal reason for divorce (even in the Bible).


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## FlyingThePhoenix

Hello Standing,

That's some story....



standingbymyman said:


> Thank you Hope! No we haven't been tested, that is next on our agenda and top priority. It took everything I had not to completely flip my lid, fly off the handle and completely go crazy and lose my mind. At that point though it would not have done either of us any good. My main concern at this point is getting the help he so desperately needs to keep from hurting himself any further and to guarantee that our child will have a father figure around whether we are together or not. After we work on trying to heal him then we can begin to heal us as a couple were my exact words to him. It seems these days people are so quick to throw away their marriage and that is not something I am ok with. I know that if things don't work out at least I will know I gave it my all and that none of this was my fault.
> 
> He was shocked that I said I would stand with him through all of this and that was his reasoning for saying what he did about not feeling anything for me. That he figured this was the easiest way for me to have closure and move on. He said he didn't deserve me and he's right at this point right now he sure doesn't, but hopefully with a lot of time he will again. Only time will tell. I am still a mixed bag of emotions and I had to find somewhere to let it all out! I will definitely read your story as I think it would help tremendously to hear from someone who has been there done that.


When I read stories like yours of a loving loyal spouse who forgives and attempts reconciliation, even after such discoveries of your husband’s cheating, I have to admit this is a lost cause on your part.

But, sometimes, just sometimes, I have to eat my own words (_Dam you “standingbymyman”, How could you make me side with you _).

WOW! If I was your husband I would be shocked out of my skin that you would stand by me. He will remember those words for the rest of his life and he forgets remind him. Your ability to forgive is impressive but you know his history and past cheating, *YOU MUST remain proactive to his activities *and *HE MUST to all the HEAVY LIFTING.* Your *Plan A is reconciliation*, than your *Plan B is divorce *if you discover he is not making any attempt to change his ways, and continues his cheating. _The posts of EYUOP and DARKRAT should also be part of your Plan B; I can add no other words to theirs but agree with them._

You don’t deserve him; make sure you remind of this FACT from time to time. You remind me of my mum and dad, there was no cheating, except it was alcoholic abuse, physical abuse and verbal abuse. The first two have been killed off many years ago, the last one still pops up now and then, but nothing like it was, more like cats and dogs fighting, you know what I mean right?. They’ve been married 46 years and counting and although they don’t say it, I know they have deep feelings for each other, I don’t know if its love, but it’s there.

Check this link out and purchase the album/song. It describes many of us here on TAM and now YOU! 

I'm Still Standing

Good luck! You’re going to need it.

Regards, FTP


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## HMMMM NOW WHAT?

eyuop said:


> That sort of blatant infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. I think the scales of trust would be so lopsided if this were my wife that I would have to move on. We've been married for almost 18 years and there is full trust in each other -- and even then sometimes things are difficult. I couldn't imagine staying married in your situation. There is a reason that infidelity is a legal reason for divorce (even in the Bible).


~I am in a similar situation to this woman and all I have thought about for months is ending my marriage. We have been married for 15 years. I like your comment about "There is a reason that infidelity is a legal reason for divorce (even in the Bible)!


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## LadyBing

My $.02 is simple. You can forgive and he, possibly, might get help and change. Forgetting is another problem to deal with. It's traumatic to discover the cheating and many, myself included, never completely lose the trauma. I refer to this hangover as PTSD. It's not all that dissimilar. Good luck


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## CEL

Well I am not going to be popular on this thread so I will try to get it all in before I get attacked and stop posting. First off I am a sex addict "or whatever you want to call it" no I never cheated but I used porn to medicate myself. Feeling bad look at porn. Feeling sad look at porn. Feeling stressed look at porn. Angry look at porn. Now this came about because like you husband I was weak and a coward the other part is that I was in an environment that was a perfect place to grow a sex addiction. So I see you have two problems so I am going to tackle them in two separate ways.

Sex Addiction

1. He has to own up to the addiction the addiction comes about because we cannot deal with conflict so we medicate ourselves this way. Instead of making decisions to end a relationship we decide to look outside the relationship for affection or sexual fulfillment. Whatever you want to call it we are weak and cowardly that is just a fact with no value judgment on it. 

2. He has to understand he needs help with this that his judgement is flawed when it comes to this behavior this is central to him getting better he needs someone to talk to when he gets urges or feels weak also the things you have put in place are great he needs FIRM boundaries that make it difficult for him to do this. So no internet, no phone that can look up porn, when he comes home you check and make sure he does not bring porn in. No racy movies on the television.

3. He needs to get into that counselor and look into meetings. If you want you can PM me and I can talk to him until he gets there. But that is up to you and him after I am done posting I doubt you will want me to talk to him but the offer stands.

4. He has to start working through the why of his addiction. Here is a starting point his number one emotional need is probably sexual fulfillment this is how he feels loved, in love, accepted, cared for. When this was not present in the relationship he felt rejected and worthless so he looked outside that relationship for that validation

5. Polygraph is a must not if on it he has to come clean about EVERYTHING for him to move on to a healthy life or for you to stay with him. He will need to be told that his WILL happen. This is a must no matter if he stays or goes.

6. He has to understand that just like an alcoholic he can NEVER look at porn again. Yep never his brain is wired to light up like a Christmas tree every time he looks at it so he just can't. His justifications will be that a lot of people look at it responsibly and that is true but they are not him. His brain has wired for it now to the point that when he does look at it he will become crazy the dopamine burst will make him rationalize anything.

7. He needs to be able to confess to you when he breaks down. It will happen if you have an open communication you can get through it but if you don't then you mine as well split as the addiction will come back and you will break up either way. When he falls he needs to be able to tell you and get back up. Failure is quitting as long as you keep trying you have not failed yet.

Your Marriage
Here is where you will hate me.

1. You guys screwed up. Yep both of you the environment of the marriage was such that it was a great place for this to grow and flourish. You and he did not possess the tools to make a good marriage and now you are in a bad place. You both should own up to the fact that neither of you really gave 100% to the marriage.

2. When porn was first seen you were okay with it even when he said that he did it because you did not want to. Here is the deal this was really him saying I am unfulfilled in this relationship as my number one need is not being met. You were okay with him meeting that need with a computer instead of working on a solution that involved you.

3. As the marriage progressed he got deeper and deeper into his addiction it was probably easy for him because his emotional need was being more and more neglected so the resentment just gave him the excuse to deepen it. As this downward spiral went on for what looks like years he probably wanted to leave but could not reconcile that with his abandonment issues.

4. We have a few basic needs each person is different but when these basic needs are not met we have a few choices. 1. we leave the relationship "this is the honorable way to do it" 2. We suffer for kids, money, love "this is stupid and is conflict avoidance". 3. We get those needs met outside the relationship "this is the cowards way and what he did". Now the point is that each spouse has the chance to either meet these basic needs or not if we honestly cannot meet them than we are saying to that person that this relationship has a timeline it will not last. When these needs are not met long enough the person becomes bitter, angry resentment settles in and that is cancer to a relationship. You chose not to meet his needs this put a timer on your relationship as long as you are at this spot it will only be a matter of time before you split whether over this or other things.

5. I am sure you did not have your basic needs met as well. When one party besides not to meet the needs of the other than the other party then stops meeting needs. This creates a cold way where each side decides that they will not be the first person to budge. Both side fear that even if the meet the other persons needs that they still will not have their needs met or they are just to resentful to meet the other persons needs. To much blood under the bridge.

I am going to recommend 3 books for you and him even if you do not stay with him the behaviors you have displayed in this relationship can carry over to others and I would hate to see you have to deal with something like this again. These books will give you the framework to build a good marriage with the tools necessary to have open dialogue and make sure that BOTH of you emotional needs are met.

His Needs Her Needs
Love Busters
5 Steps to Romantic Love.

In closing you are NOT to blame for his addiction. You and him do take credit for a hurtful marriage where you both suffered deeply. It may not seem it but I truly hope that this gets better for you.


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## Woodchuck

I really have to say having sex 4 times a year for a prolonged period of time might be part of the problem......

This guy supports his family, brings home his pay check, to a sexless relationship...and He winds up being the bad guy....

I would have left way earlier...

It is easy to pin "sex addict" on a guy when his SO is a totally committed to a sexless marriage....By comparison, any normal man would be seen as an addict....

The saddest part is that he is staying for his children, being humiliated into therapy, and being badgered into admitting to a phony addiction...

My advice to him is to leave and find a woman with an actual libido....

Cheating is always wrong...He should have left instead....But he was trapped between a normal male sex drive, and his love for his wife and kids....SAD....

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck

standingbymyman said:


> I guess I haven't really sat down and thought about that. I have no experience with addiction I just know that all signs pointed to sex addiction from reading after I found everything. Definitely gives me something to think about.


The most recent research has debunked sex addiction...It is an urban myth...

What have you committed as far as meeting your husbands sexual needs, or do you expect him to remain sexless AND give up any other form of sexual release?....

Do you think this is a realistic expectation?

If you do, your marriage is doomed...You might as well file for divorce, and put him out of his misery...It would be the kindest thing to do.....

My wife reached a point about 46 years into our marriage where she thought a sexless relationship was just fine.....

I was given absolutely no vote in that decision, and it could have ended in divorce....It is all documented in the pages of TAM....

We have worked through that problem, and are more love than ever...now she thoroughly enjoys our make out sessions and sex is again on the agenda.....

As it should be for any married couple...

the woodchuck


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## Woodchuck

CEL said:


> Well I am not going to be popular on this thread so I will try to get it all in before I get attacked and stop posting. First off I am a sex addict "or whatever you want to call it" no I never cheated but I used porn to medicate myself. Feeling bad look at porn. Feeling sad look at porn. Feeling stressed look at porn. Angry look at porn. Now this came about because like you husband I was weak and a coward the other part is that I was in an environment that was a perfect place to grow a sex addiction. So I see you have two problems so I am going to tackle them in two separate ways.
> 
> Sex Addiction
> 
> 1. He has to own up to the addiction the addiction comes about because we cannot deal with conflict so we medicate ourselves this way. Instead of making decisions to end a relationship we decide to look outside the relationship for affection or sexual fulfillment. Whatever you want to call it we are weak and cowardly that is just a fact with no value judgment on it.
> 
> 2. He has to understand he needs help with this that his judgement is flawed when it comes to this behavior this is central to him getting better he needs someone to talk to when he gets urges or feels weak also the things you have put in place are great he needs FIRM boundaries that make it difficult for him to do this. So no internet, no phone that can look up porn, when he comes home you check and make sure he does not bring porn in. No racy movies on the television.
> 
> 3. He needs to get into that counselor and look into meetings. If you want you can PM me and I can talk to him until he gets there. But that is up to you and him after I am done posting I doubt you will want me to talk to him but the offer stands.
> 
> 4. He has to start working through the why of his addiction. Here is a starting point his number one emotional need is probably sexual fulfillment this is how he feels loved, in love, accepted, cared for. When this was not present in the relationship he felt rejected and worthless so he looked outside that relationship for that validation
> 
> 5. Polygraph is a must not if on it he has to come clean about EVERYTHING for him to move on to a healthy life or for you to stay with him. He will need to be told that his WILL happen. This is a must no matter if he stays or goes.
> 
> 6. He has to understand that just like an alcoholic he can NEVER look at porn again. Yep never his brain is wired to light up like a Christmas tree every time he looks at it so he just can't. His justifications will be that a lot of people look at it responsibly and that is true but they are not him. His brain has wired for it now to the point that when he does look at it he will become crazy the dopamine burst will make him rationalize anything.
> 
> 7. He needs to be able to confess to you when he breaks down. It will happen if you have an open communication you can get through it but if you don't then you mine as well split as the addiction will come back and you will break up either way. When he falls he needs to be able to tell you and get back up. Failure is quitting as long as you keep trying you have not failed yet.
> 
> Your Marriage
> Here is where you will hate me.
> 
> 1. You guys screwed up. Yep both of you the environment of the marriage was such that it was a great place for this to grow and flourish. You and he did not possess the tools to make a good marriage and now you are in a bad place. You both should own up to the fact that neither of you really gave 100% to the marriage.
> 
> 2. When porn was first seen you were okay with it even when he said that he did it because you did not want to. Here is the deal this was really him saying I am unfulfilled in this relationship as my number one need is not being met. You were okay with him meeting that need with a computer instead of working on a solution that involved you.
> 
> 3. As the marriage progressed he got deeper and deeper into his addiction it was probably easy for him because his emotional need was being more and more neglected so the resentment just gave him the excuse to deepen it. As this downward spiral went on for what looks like years he probably wanted to leave but could not reconcile that with his abandonment issues.
> 
> 4. We have a few basic needs each person is different but when these basic needs are not met we have a few choices. 1. we leave the relationship "this is the honorable way to do it" 2. We suffer for kids, money, love "this is stupid and is conflict avoidance". 3. We get those needs met outside the relationship "this is the cowards way and what he did". Now the point is that each spouse has the chance to either meet these basic needs or not if we honestly cannot meet them than we are saying to that person that this relationship has a timeline it will not last. When these needs are not met long enough the person becomes bitter, angry resentment settles in and that is cancer to a relationship. You chose not to meet his needs this put a timer on your relationship as long as you are at this spot it will only be a matter of time before you split whether over this or other things.
> 
> 5. I am sure you did not have your basic needs met as well. When one party besides not to meet the needs of the other than the other party then stops meeting needs. This creates a cold way where each side decides that they will not be the first person to budge. Both side fear that even if the meet the other persons needs that they still will not have their needs met or they are just to resentful to meet the other persons needs. To much blood under the bridge.
> 
> I am going to recommend 3 books for you and him even if you do not stay with him the behaviors you have displayed in this relationship can carry over to others and I would hate to see you have to deal with something like this again. These books will give you the framework to build a good marriage with the tools necessary to have open dialogue and make sure that BOTH of you emotional needs are met.
> 
> His Needs Her Needs
> Love Busters
> 5 Steps to Romantic Love.
> 
> In closing you are NOT to blame for his addiction. You and him do take credit for a hurtful marriage where you both suffered deeply. It may not seem it but I truly hope that this gets better for you.


There is no such thing as sex or porn addiction....If looking at porn makes you feel ill, sad, or angry, then please don't look at it...

A male who has problems admitting to his own sexuality may have issues with it, but "own" your problem, don't subscribe to the totally bogus theory of addiction........

The husband in this thread has suffered long enough....I would have been out the door after the first sexless year....And would leave with a clear conscience, knowing I had given my wife more than enough time to fix her problem.....

I cannot believe any rational person would say 4 times a year sex is not a tremendous issue....After 47 years of marriage I am having that much sex in one week....so he is 52 X off the mark....Unbelievable....

I have been on TAM since last November, and have not found a single thread that supports healthy couples NOT having sex....

the woodchuck


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## Mavash.

standingbymyman said:


> I wasn't having sex with him often enough (*Probably once per month)* that the porn helped him to pleasure himself.


I wish I had stopped reading at this sentence. 

Your husband doesn't have a sex addiction he's sex DEPRIVED.


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## Woodchuck

Mavash. said:


> I wish I had stopped reading at this sentence.
> 
> Your husband doesn't have a sex addiction he's sex DEPRIVED.


Bravo....well spoken....If that poor guy is a sex addict, anyone with a libido like mine should be shot on sight....It is just WRONG

the woodchuck


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## Thundarr

Woodchuck said:


> My advice to him is to leave and find a woman with an actual libido....
> 
> Cheating is always wrong...He should have left instead....But he was trapped between a normal male sex drive, and his love for his wife and kids....SAD....
> 
> the woodchuck


Incompatibility, in this case sexual incompatibility. Talk about setting someone up for failure. A normal libido man or woman reduced to sex a 3-12 times per year is the definition of asking for trouble.


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## SunnyT

Even if it were "sex addiction", it hasn't been diagnosed legitimately. 

He is still wrong for cheating. He should have made his needs clear, or divorced to find the amount of sex he wants. 

I don't think that makes him an addict though.


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