# Feeling resentful after amicable divorce



## MarmiteC

For those who don't know my backstory, I recently finalised my divorce. I left my husband ultimately because he could not be there for me when I needed him. I felt like his mother rather than his partner.

The whole separation and divorce went through amicably. We both had moments of being upset we had reached that point, but we talked and I thought we had closure.

We have our decree absolute, we have our financial clean break order, and I've signed the house over to him. I'm just waiting on the payment.

The problem is that recently I've begun to feel resentful and angry about everything. When we separated, I moved out. It was easier for me to since he has a child. I didn't take very much with me at all.
6 months after I moved out I moved away with a promotion at work. I did manage to get some more of my belongings, but it was a quick move. At the time we agreed that as I would need to come back at some point to clear out the apartment I moved into when we separated, I would take some time off, and I would come and go through everything in our home also.

When the time came for me to vacate the apartment I took when I moved out, I spoke with him and asked him when would be good to sit and go through everything, he would not or could not make a time available by when I needed. When I vacated the apartment I went to see him and he had bagged up all my stuff and put it in the garage. I managed to squeeze a couple of bags into my car. I was so tired I told him to just throw the rest away.

He did not help me at all with any of it. When I first moved out, I had to do it alone, I packed up my car and went. I had asked for help but he said no. I had had a recent medical incident and wasn't very well, I now feel like that had longer lasting effects and I'm only just coming out of that. I also think perhaps I was suffering from a little depression as in recent weeks I feel more 'awake' and motivated than I have for 18 months.

During all of this, not one single member of his family reached out to me, to ask me if I was ok. I guess emotional abandonment is a family trait. My family still to this day keep in contact with my ex husband, even sending his son gifts.

But now I am feeling angry and resentment. I feel like he engineered this. I left him the house and all the contents, I took no furniture or anything at all from it - not even a cup or a glass. I agreed to sell him my share in the house for quite a bit under my share of the equity value, as that's all he could afford, and he's dragging out paying me until the last court ordered date. I'm even paying him monthly maintenance for the cats since I can't take them just yet until I find another property to live in.🙈 I also discovered that I'm liable for capital gains tax on this based on market value, not what I received, since I was the one to move out, even though it was our primary residence.

Is this emotion a normal part of dealing after divorce? I feel I'm being irrational since I was the one who said we should separate, I was the one who finally said we couldn't reconcile, that we were too different.


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## minimalME

Divorces are really hard, and my story sounds similar to yours. It's just an immensely emotional time.

I would encourage you to focus on the fact that your choices have led you to where you are now. You're free. So, even if it takes a long while, little by little, move on. 

Assume responsibility, and create your new life. 😊


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## lifeistooshort

I'd double check the capital gains liability. If you use the money to buy a primary home within 2 years it should be tax free.

That capital gains tax is meant to catch investment properties.


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## Benbutton

Welcome to the world of divorce. You should expect nothing from him or his family as you are no longer part of his life, your resentment will only harm you.


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## DownByTheRiver

MarmiteC said:


> For those who don't know my backstory, I recently finalised my divorce. I left my husband ultimately because he could not be there for me when I needed him. I felt like his mother rather than his partner.
> 
> The whole separation and divorce went through amicably. We both had moments of being upset we had reached that point, but we talked and I thought we had closure.
> 
> We have our decree absolute, we have our financial clean break order, and I've signed the house over to him. I'm just waiting on the payment.
> 
> The problem is that recently I've begun to feel resentful and angry about everything. When we separated, I moved out. It was easier for me to since he has a child. I didn't take very much with me at all.
> 6 months after I moved out I moved away with a promotion at work. I did manage to get some more of my belongings, but it was a quick move. At the time we agreed that as I would need to come back at some point to clear out the apartment I moved into when we separated, I would take some time off, and I would come and go through everything in our home also.
> 
> When the time came for me to vacate the apartment I took when I moved out, I spoke with him and asked him when would be good to sit and go through everything, he would not or could not make a time available by when I needed. When I vacated the apartment I went to see him and he had bagged up all my stuff and put it in the garage. I managed to squeeze a couple of bags into my car. I was so tired I told him to just throw the rest away.
> 
> He did not help me at all with any of it. When I first moved out, I had to do it alone, I packed up my car and went. I had asked for help but he said no. I had had a recent medical incident and wasn't very well, I now feel like that had longer lasting effects and I'm only just coming out of that. I also think perhaps I was suffering from a little depression as in recent weeks I feel more 'awake' and motivated than I have for 18 months.
> 
> During all of this, not one single member of his family reached out to me, to ask me if I was ok. I guess emotional abandonment is a family trait. My family still to this day keep in contact with my ex husband, even sending his son gifts.
> 
> But now I am feeling angry and resentment. I feel like he engineered this. I left him the house and all the contents, I took no furniture or anything at all from it - not even a cup or a glass. I agreed to sell him my share in the house for quite a bit under my share of the equity value, as that's all he could afford, and he's dragging out paying me until the last court ordered date. I'm even paying him monthly maintenance for the cats since I can't take them just yet until I find another property to live in.🙈 I also discovered that I'm liable for capital gains tax on this based on market value, not what I received, since I was the one to move out, even though it was our primary residence.
> 
> Is this emotion a normal part of dealing after divorce? I feel I'm being irrational since I was the one who said we should separate, I was the one who finally said we couldn't reconcile, that we were too different.


You can't expect him to do much to help you move your own stuff out. You should have hired someone to help. That's what I always have to do. You can't expect any more relationship with his family unless you two have a kid together. It's best to make a clean break. You made the decision to let him throw stuff out instead of seeing to getting it moved yourself. You should have hired help and shipped it to yourself. You also made the decision about the home. Since I don't know the whole financial picture, I can't tell you if you settled for a bad deal or not, but selling anyone the house below market value isn't smart under any circumstances unless that person is maybe your son or daughter. 

You must have gotten something out of doing these things the way you did, or maybe you expected gratitude, which you'll never get in a divorce.


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## Luckylucky

A few things are going on here, understandable. Your family seems to be emotionally supportive of him and not you. (Did they know why you wanted a divorce and did they disapprove?) His family wants nothing to do with you, look, that can happen sometimes, it’s over for them so they don’t feel a need to get in touch. The bit about your family, that can’t be easy to deal with. 

He moved on as soon as you initiated the divorce and never looked back too, but he was also listening to what you wanted, how you wanting it and responded accordingly. So you’re left grieving a few things. Quite a few endings and losses. It sounds like your resentment is more emotionally focussed rather than a financial one though. 

What was it that you believe he ‘orchestrated’? That part wasn’t quite clear.


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## Al_Bundy

It doesn't sound like he was unreasonable. He didn't destroy your stuff or do anything childish like that. At the same time, you can't expect him to still treat you like the wife when you're not. He gave you what you wanted. Maybe look into some IC for yourself. Probably a ton of different emotions going on right now.

Best of luck in moving forward.


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## SunCMars

I would be more concerned for you if you were not resentful.
You are not a potato, are you?
I think not.

Who is it that can readily accept failure?
A shell of a lady, not one full of hope, so full of life.



_Nemesis-_


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## Casual Observer

@MarmiteC -

Are you happier that you're no longer married, than when you were? For many, maybe most, that would more than offset the various little hassles you've faced. The financial stuff sounds like you need advice from a financial adviser or at least a good tax preparer.

Also, it seemed like you were able to more-easily exit the marriage because you'd found somebody new. Is he still around? What's his take on things? Was there a change in your relationship with him when you were finally freed from you ex?


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## MarmiteC

lifeistooshort said:


> I'd double check the capital gains liability. If you use the money to buy a primary home within 2 years it should be tax free.
> 
> That capital gains tax is meant to catch investment properties.


I did check with HMRC (UK tax authorities) and they confirmed it, frustratingly.


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## lifeistooshort

MarmiteC said:


> I did check with HMRC (UK tax authorities) and they confirmed it, frustratingly.


Sorry, I didn't realize you were in the UK. 

Tax laws are different then in the states.


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## MarmiteC

DownByTheRiver said:


> You can't expect him to do much to help you move your own stuff out. You should have hired someone to help. That's what I always have to do. You can't expect any more relationship with his family unless you two have a kid together. It's best to make a clean break. You made the decision to let him throw stuff out instead of seeing to getting it moved yourself. You should have hired help and shipped it to yourself. You also made the decision about the home. Since I don't know the whole financial picture, I can't tell you if you settled for a bad deal or not, but selling anyone the house below market value isn't smart under any circumstances unless that person is maybe your son or daughter.
> 
> You must have gotten something out of doing these things the way you did, or maybe you expected gratitude, which you'll never get in a divorce.


I am not resentful about the later part, I did try to ask him for time for me to access the house for me to pack up my things and move them out. All I needed was a time to access it, not his help (I'd already hired help to assist me in moving from the flat I'd moved into). He couldn't give me that.

I'm resentful about the early part, when I first moved out. We had not agreed that was the end then, we had agreed we needed space. Even then his family did not reach out. What if we'd got back together? 

I don't know what I got out of it doing things the way I did. As I explained in my most, I wonder if I was also a bit depressed, I just kind of drifted through, and now I feel awake and motivated again. I'm not sure I made wise choices.


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## MarmiteC

Luckylucky said:


> A few things are going on here, understandable. Your family seems to be emotionally supportive of him and not you. (Did they know why you wanted a divorce and did they disapprove?) His family wants nothing to do with you, look, that can happen sometimes, it’s over for them so they don’t feel a need to get in touch. The bit about your family, that can’t be easy to deal with.
> 
> He moved on as soon as you initiated the divorce and never looked back too, but he was also listening to what you wanted, how you wanting it and responded accordingly. So you’re left grieving a few things. Quite a few endings and losses. It sounds like your resentment is more emotionally focussed rather than a financial one though.
> 
> What was it that you believe he ‘orchestrated’? That part wasn’t quite clear.


My family are supportive of me also, they just don't allow what's happened with us to affect them having a relationship with him. They care about him and his son.

I don't even know what I think was 'orchestrated' to be honest. Just I feel like I didn't look after my own interests in this. Reflecting now, that's my fault. I can't fault him for looking after his. 

I guess I'm just going through a process.


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## MarmiteC

Casual Observer said:


> @MarmiteC -
> 
> Are you happier that you're no longer married, than when you were? For many, maybe most, that would more than offset the various little hassles you've faced. The financial stuff sounds like you need advice from a financial adviser or at least a good tax preparer.
> 
> Also, it seemed like you were able to more-easily exit the marriage because you'd found somebody new. Is he still around? What's his take on things? Was there a change in your relationship with him when you were finally freed from you ex?


I am much happier, yes. There were good times with my husband, but ultimately he wasn't right for me.

I am still with the other person yes. It's a long distance relationship. Nothing has changed since my divorce, we're still moving forward. 
His view on all this is that I should try and get some of my other things, including my cats. I can't have them in this property though, he's even offered to take them, but it means us flying them to the US. Still something to solve.

It's these things I probably need to finalise still to help me move forward.


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## DownByTheRiver

MarmiteC said:


> I am not resentful about the later part, I did try to ask him for time for me to access the house for me to pack up my things and move them out. All I needed was a time to access it, not his help (I'd already hired help to assist me in moving from the flat I'd moved into). He couldn't give me that.
> 
> I'm resentful about the early part, when I first moved out. We had not agreed that was the end then, we had agreed we needed space. Even then his family did not reach out. What if we'd got back together?
> 
> I don't know what I got out of it doing things the way I did. As I explained in my most, I wonder if I was also a bit depressed, I just kind of drifted through, and now I feel awake and motivated again. I'm not sure I made wise choices.


The family did not want to get in the middle because clearly they're loyalties are going to lie with their son. So it was actually wise of them to just completely not be available to you. It's just too messy. 

I understand how you can get overwhelmed or depressed and make some bad moves because I had a period in my life where I did that too after my apartment complex got shut down over a gas explosion suddenly and I was left with an extremely full schedule between work and school and no time to look for apartments or anything. It was the one time in my life I went where the wind blew me. It wasn't a disaster but it wasn't a good move for me and got me into a relationship that if I'd had my wits about me I would have been able to maintain boundaries on. 

It's one of the only things in my life I truly regret. I'm glad you have your wits about you now. My best advice is keep your life simple and kind of minimal while you get yourself completely reestablished so you don't have too much to deal with and can just take one firm step ahead at a time and not get distracted by someone or something else. Whatever plan you have whether it's short-term or long-term, just stay focused on it one step at a time. Good luck.


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## MarmiteC

I know you're right. And even just voicing this made me look at it closer and I'm not so angry or resentful. I think I just needed to process it.

A new year is coming, I can start that fresh


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## LisaDiane

MarmiteC said:


> My family are supportive of me also, they just don't allow what's happened with us to affect them having a relationship with him. They care about him and his son.
> 
> I don't even know what I think was 'orchestrated' to be honest. Just I feel like I didn't look after my own interests in this. Reflecting now, that's my fault. I can't fault him for looking after his.
> 
> I guess I'm just going through a process.


Do you think if you had fought him harder that you would have ended up with enough extra that would have made the fighting worth it?? For me, I gave up alimony and half his retirement that I was entitled to, but I was HAPPY to do that, as the cost of him signing everything and dissolving our marriage as quickly and easily as possible. Also, he gave me the house that I put the down-payment on and made most of the payments for in return...I would have ended up with that anyway, but not without paying lawyers and making everything very stressful and drawn-out.

I look at is as, I can always get more stuff and more money if I want them. I NEED my happiness and hopeful feelings more than that!!!


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## Casual Observer

LisaDiane said:


> Do you think if you had fought him harder that you would have ended up with enough extra that would have made the fighting worth it?? For me, I gave up alimony and half his retirement that I was entitled to, but I was HAPPY to do that, as the cost of him signing everything and dissolving our marriage as quickly and easily as possible. Also, he gave me the house that I put the down-payment on and made most of the payments for in return...I would have ended up with that anyway, but not without paying lawyers and making everything very stressful and drawn-out.
> 
> I look at is as, I can always get more stuff and more money if I want them. I NEED my happiness and hopeful feelings more than that!!!


Another way to look at this is that she sacrificed some goodwill in favor of getting an early start on her exit. She’d already found someone new well before the ink was dry. That’s probably not considered a good move by your divorce attorney.


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## MarmiteC

LisaDiane said:


> Do you think if you had fought him harder that you would have ended up with enough extra that would have made the fighting worth it?? For me, I gave up alimony and half his retirement that I was entitled to, but I was HAPPY to do that, as the cost of him signing everything and dissolving our marriage as quickly and easily as possible. Also, he gave me the house that I put the down-payment on and made most of the payments for in return...I would have ended up with that anyway, but not without paying lawyers and making everything very stressful and drawn-out.
> 
> I look at is as, I can always get more stuff and more money if I want them. I NEED my happiness and hopeful feelings more than that!!!


Hi Lisa,
It's not about the money, although I'd actually like him to not drag out paying what I did agree to. It's about some of my personal belongings. The fact he didn't give me any time to be able to collect them. I've bought all new stuff, but there's still some things there I'd like.
More than anything, it's how I was feeling was over those early days.
We were in a full lockdown in the UK, we agreed we needed some space and distance but there was no other way to get it. At that time we weren't allowed to visit family and friends, so it was after discussion and MC we agreed I would take a temporary place instead. And we agreed it would be me since he has a son and we wanted to make this less disruptive on him.


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## LisaDiane

MarmiteC said:


> Hi Lisa,
> It's not about the money, although I'd actually like him to not drag out paying what I did agree to. It's about some of my personal belongings. The fact he didn't give me any time to be able to collect them. I've bought all new stuff, but there's still some things there I'd like.
> More than anything, it's how I was feeling was over those early days.
> We were in a full lockdown in the UK, we agreed we needed some space and distance but there was no other way to get it. At that time we weren't allowed to visit family and friends, so it was after discussion and MC we agreed I would take a temporary place instead. And we agreed it would be me since he has a son and we wanted to make this less disruptive on him.


Yeah, that sounds difficult, and I would want my stuff back too. It does sound like the emotional stress caused you to overlook some things that you didn't realize would matter later. Plus, expecting people to be decent and considerate is often a path to disappointment. 

Is there any chance to get any of those things back now?


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> Is this emotion a normal part of dealing after divorce? I feel I'm being irrational since I was the one who said we should separate, I was the one who finally said we couldn't reconcile, that we were too different.


Not sure if its normal, but I'm sure this all happens more than not. Some people can do it amicably, some can't.

In my situation, no, not amicable, but then again, without knowing the exact circumstances of your marriage, I did what your husband did.

If it had been a situation where we both just simply decided we shouldn't be together, I would have helped my x-wife move, my family would have likely reached out.

But as it stands I had a cheating wife, so there was NO WAY I was going to help her move or no way my family was going to speak to her.

So without knowing the circumstances of your marriage, I cannot tell you what your STBXH is likely thinking. Did you fight all the time? Any infidelity? If not and it was a matter of you two sitting down and just realizing it should be over, he could have helped.

Another thing I'll ask is, during the divorce proceedings, did you have an attorney that went for the throat? Anything he saw as unreasonable? If so, that would be a likely reason for him and his family turning their backs. Divorce is usually very ugly.


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> I am not resentful about the later part, I did try to ask him for time for me to access the house for me to pack up my things and move them out. All I needed was a time to access it, not his help (I'd already hired help to assist me in moving from the flat I'd moved into). He couldn't give me that.


Honestly that's reasonable, but again, depends. I did that with my X, left the house so she and a few friends could help her. She ended up taking things she wasn't supposed to and left me with very little that I had to go back out and rebuy. Did he ever say he suspected you'd do something like that? Not saying you would, just wondering what his thinking was.


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## drencrom

Ok, I just read your backstory, and yes, this is normal behavior. Had you both simply decided to deal with your problems, and couldn't come to a solution and mutually decided to divorce, then his behavior would be a little selfish.

However, I read this in your backstory: "*this guy I'd started an online relationship with me came to visit. We learned it was more than an online thing. Afterwards, I called my husband to tell him I had met someone and was moving on*."

This right there, I do not blame your STBXH a bit. THIS would be why he didn't help you move or his family didn't contact you. It doesn't matter what problems you have in the marriage. You either work on them or you don't.

But once you cheat, all bets are off. This is also likely why he wouldn't give you access to the house without him being there. Probably didn't want your new boyfriend there.

Whether emotional or physical, it doesn't matter. This behavior by your STBX and his family is completely normal.


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## MarmiteC

drencrom said:


> Ok, I just read your backstory, and yes, this is normal behavior. Had you both simply decided to deal with your problems, and couldn't come to a solution and mutually decided to divorce, then his behavior would be a little selfish.
> 
> However, I read this in your backstory: "*this guy I'd started an online relationship with me came to visit. We learned it was more than an online thing. Afterwards, I called my husband to tell him I had met someone and was moving on*."
> 
> This right there, I do not blame your STBXH a bit. THIS would be why he didn't help you move or his family didn't contact you. It doesn't matter what problems you have in the marriage. You either work on them or you don't.
> 
> But once you cheat, all bets are off. This is also likely why he wouldn't give you access to the house without him being there. Probably didn't want your new boyfriend there.
> 
> Whether emotional or physical, it doesn't matter. This behavior by your STBX and his family is completely normal.


This behaviour by my husband began before this. Sure I understand that affecting the later behaviours, but it was still my property that I was paying the mortgage on when I asked for access to take the rest of my belongings.


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> This behaviour by my husband began before this. Sure I understand that affecting the later behaviours, but it was still my property that I was paying the mortgage on when I asked for access to take the rest of my belongings.


I don't care. You have problems, work them out. If you can't, then end it...not cheat.
You don't just grab on to a new guy while still married. What's the saying, some people are like monkeys, have to grab on to one branch before letting go of the other.

Far as I'm concerned, once one of you cheats you give up the right to complain about not being helped moving out, etc.

Was it access to get your belongings without him there that was in question? If so, you gave up that right since I'm sure he didn't want you bringing your new side piece into the home. If you wanted your stuff, then he had a right to be there. If he denied access either way, if you are still paying, you get a court order to let him give you access. But he'd still have a right to be there unless there was a restraining order. And even then, he has the right to say who else can show up at the house.


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> This behaviour by my husband began before this. Sure I understand that affecting the later behaviours, but it was still my property that I was paying the mortgage on when I asked for access to take the rest of my belongings.


And the point was, as to your original question of your ex husband or his family not being nice to you....you cheated on him. What did you expect?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Never understand why people cheat. Leave if not happy, then they can screw whoever they want. Cheating is cruel and ruins lives.


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## jonty30

MarmiteC said:


> This behaviour by my husband began before this. Sure I understand that affecting the later behaviours, but it was still my property that I was paying the mortgage on when I asked for access to take the rest of my belongings.


It sounds like to me that he did you fair. You ended the marriage to his surprise and he packed up your stuff and put it in the garage for you to pick up.
He acted more rational to the betrayal than most men might have, because you're not reporting any damaged or destroyed property.


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## MarmiteC

I think some of you haven't fully read the circumstances of the end of my marriage and therefore have made conclusions I disagree with. Thanks for taking the time to respond here though.


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## jonty30

MarmiteC said:


> I think some of you haven't fully read the circumstances of the end of my marriage and therefore have made conclusions I disagree with. Thanks for taking the time to respond here though.


You praised your ex-husband as a good man you told us that you and him were best of friends, but you lacked passion.
You found somebody that you thought you could be passionate with and ended the marriage with your husband.
When you ended the relationship, he packed up your stuff and put where you could get it, when you wanted it.
I don't see anything wrong about him by your description.

I might be saying something different if he was an abuser or an addict or there was something very inadequate about him.
The only thing I can say is that he might have been too much a nice guy in your mind, but I don't know him personally to say that.
When a woman says a guy is the nicest guy, that's usually a way of saying that he was a bit too accommodating to others.
The only thing I can think of is that maybe you're bothered that he was too accommodating to you to end the marriage.

I'm not intending to criticize your wish to end the marriage. You were fair to him in ending it.


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## MarmiteC

jonty30 said:


> You praised your ex-husband as a good man you told us that you and him were best of friends, but you lacked passion.


I'm not sure I mentioned passion? I mentioned a parent/child relationship, that he wasn't there for me when I needed also. 5 months of MC didn't help. 



jonty30 said:


> You found somebody that you thought you could be passionate with and ended the marriage with your husband.


I found somebody who I felt I had more of an equal partnership with, after separation. It wasn't about passion.



jonty30 said:


> When you ended the relationship, he packed up your stuff and put where you could get it, when you wanted it.


He did not make my things available for me to collect. I asked for a convenient time to get them, when I had a removals van booked for the flat I rented short term when we first separated. By this time I had moved 200 miles away (all fully discussed and agreed with him), I couldn't just conveniently pop in, I also surrendered my key to him, even though I was paying the mortgage since it was his home now and he was entitled to privacy. I asked for any time he could make in an 8 week window before I needed to vacate the other property. He would not make that time available.



jonty30 said:


> When a woman says a guy is the nicest guy, that's usually a way of saying that he was a bit too accommodating to others.


He is a nice guy in that he didn't do me any harm. He could be fun, he was certainly a damn sight better than my loser boyfriends before. But, I felt emotionally abandoned by him. The MC felt it was because he is Asperger's, (we always felt his mother was also) and that it couldn't change and that I would need to find coping mechanisms. I would/could have done that if there was something else going for us other than not fighting and enjoying the occasional holiday. That to me isn't a marriage. I needed intimacy (not to be confused with passion) the small touches, hugs, things like that which were elusive in our marriage. I needed someone to ask me if I was ok and be by my side if I was not (as I was with him), like when I'm having a mild asthma attack late in the evening and I suggest I may need taking to hospital if it doesn't ease, I don't expect the reply "but my son is sleeping and I don't want to wake him, I can't take you." If he is Asperger's (and I believe he is), I get why that would be the response, it's not meant cold hearted, his brain simply can't work through how to manage multiple priorities. 
There were multiple other examples of abandonment like this throughout our total 10 years together, 6 married, which finally became too much. Part of it is my fault as I accepted these situations. I'm a people pleaser, I didn't tell him these were not ok. When I did tell him it was not ok, we tried to work it out ourselves, for 6 months, before also then embarking on MC when that wasn't working.

Fundamentally we were incompatible, but that does not make him a not nice guy.


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## Cindywife

MarmiteC said:


> This behaviour by my husband began before this. Sure I understand that affecting the later behaviours, but it was still my property that I was paying the mortgage on when I asked for access to take the rest of my belongings.


He was angry. You cheated and he reacted.

I didn't read your whole back story. I'm not sure why you cheated but you did and I'm not condemning you for that either. People make mistakes. Sometimes ppl get into situations they can't handle and do unethical stuff as a means of survival. 

When you cheated you weren't playing fair and now he isn't. Soon this mess will be over and you can move forward.


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> I think some of you haven't fully read the circumstances of the end of my marriage and therefore have made conclusions I disagree with. Thanks for taking the time to respond here though.


Circumstances of the end of your marriage are valid.

Using them to excuse cheating are not.


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## drencrom

jonty30 said:


> It sounds like to me that he did you fair. You ended the marriage to his surprise and he packed up your stuff and put it in the garage for you to pick up.
> He acted more rational to the betrayal than most men might have, because you're not reporting any damaged or destroyed property.


I've seen stories of alot of women, once they found out about being cheated on, either throwing clothes out on the front lawn bare, or burning them.

I agree, based on the situation, he did her fair. Nothing to complain about.


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## Casual Observer

drencrom said:


> I've seen stories of alot of women, once they found out about being cheated on, either throwing clothes out on the front lawn bare, or burning them.
> 
> I agree, based on the situation, he did her fair. Nothing to complain about.


Not just that, but even if you don’t look at cheating as a breach of trust, anytime in a marriage, at the very least it’s like she got a paycheck advance and there’s a cost associated with that.


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## drencrom

Cindywife said:


> I didn't read your whole back story. I'm not sure why you cheated but you did and I'm not condemning you for that either. People make mistakes.


Cindy, I likes ya! 😉 

So please, this is in NO WAY a criticism of you, just stating things how I see it.

Cheating is NEVER a mistake. It's an intentional, willful act to do something they want to do, especially when they go looking for it.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

MarmiteC said:


> For those who don't know my backstory, I recently finalised my divorce. I left my husband ultimately because he could not be there for me when I needed him. I felt like his mother rather than his partner.
> 
> The whole separation and divorce went through amicably. We both had moments of being upset we had reached that point, but we talked and I thought we had closure.
> 
> We have our decree absolute, we have our financial clean break order, and I've signed the house over to him. I'm just waiting on the payment.
> 
> The problem is that recently I've begun to feel resentful and angry about everything. When we separated, I moved out. It was easier for me to since he has a child. I didn't take very much with me at all.
> 6 months after I moved out I moved away with a promotion at work. I did manage to get some more of my belongings, but it was a quick move. At the time we agreed that as I would need to come back at some point to clear out the apartment I moved into when we separated, I would take some time off, and I would come and go through everything in our home also.
> 
> When the time came for me to vacate the apartment I took when I moved out, I spoke with him and asked him when would be good to sit and go through everything, he would not or could not make a time available by when I needed. When I vacated the apartment I went to see him and he had bagged up all my stuff and put it in the garage. I managed to squeeze a couple of bags into my car. I was so tired I told him to just throw the rest away.
> 
> He did not help me at all with any of it. When I first moved out, I had to do it alone, I packed up my car and went. I had asked for help but he said no. I had had a recent medical incident and wasn't very well, I now feel like that had longer lasting effects and I'm only just coming out of that. I also think perhaps I was suffering from a little depression as in recent weeks I feel more 'awake' and motivated than I have for 18 months.
> 
> During all of this, not one single member of his family reached out to me, to ask me if I was ok. I guess emotional abandonment is a family trait. My family still to this day keep in contact with my ex husband, even sending his son gifts.
> 
> But now I am feeling angry and resentment. I feel like he engineered this. I left him the house and all the contents, I took no furniture or anything at all from it - not even a cup or a glass. I agreed to sell him my share in the house for quite a bit under my share of the equity value, as that's all he could afford, and he's dragging out paying me until the last court ordered date. I'm even paying him monthly maintenance for the cats since I can't take them just yet until I find another property to live in.🙈 I also discovered that I'm liable for capital gains tax on this based on market value, not what I received, since I was the one to move out, even though it was our primary residence.
> 
> Is this emotion a normal part of dealing after divorce? I feel I'm being irrational since I was the one who said we should separate, I was the one who finally said we couldn't reconcile, that we were too different.


You are being a little whiney. You asked him for the divorce and you moved out. He owes you nothing and neither does his family. Be happy it was amicable, lots of people don't get that.


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## Cindywife

drencrom said:


> Cindy, I likes ya! 😉
> 
> So please, this is in NO WAY a criticism of you, just stating things how I see it.
> 
> Cheating is NEVER a mistake. It's an intentional, willful act to do something they want to do, especially when they go looking for it.


I'm not sure she went looking for it. It was some online guy who she never met until they were officially separated. It's probably in some grey area of cheating. But what's done is done and her marriage is over (that's sad.)

It's obvious he's angry and retaliating. I hope OP's not too attached to her stuff. LOL


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Cindywife said:


> I'm not sure she went looking for it. It was some online guy who she never met until they were officially separated. It's probably in some grey area of cheating. But what's done is done and her marriage is over (that's sad.)
> 
> It's obvious he's angry and retaliating. I hope OP's not too attached to her stuff. LOL


I can't tell if the sex with new guy happened before or after she let her husband know she wanted a divorce. I suspect the former, sounds like monkey branching, but I guess the point is moot now. 

She should have gotten her stuff when she moved out, now she is at his mercy.


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## Cindywife

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I can't tell if the sex with new guy happened before or after she let her husband know she wanted a divorce. I suspect the former, sounds like monkey branching, but I guess the point is moot now.
> 
> She should have gotten her stuff when she moved out, now she is at his mercy.


She might want to rethink getting her stuff back. If he's *really* angry he might be doing all kinds of weird things to her items.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Cindywife said:


> She might want to rethink getting her stuff back. If he's *really* angry he might be doing all kinds of weird things to her items.


He could be using them as cat litter or in other ways... might want to wash them if they seem a little crunchy!


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## MarmiteC

Cindywife said:


> I'm not sure she went looking for it. It was some online guy who she never met until they were officially separated. It's probably in some grey area of cheating.


Correct. The EA started 2 months AFTER I moved out and separated. With a guy in the USA. 4 months after the EA started he visited me in the UK. The PA started then = 6 months after separating, but yes, still married.

I later had a conversation with my xhusband and he told me at the same time he was on dating websites and had hooked up with 2 women. We both viewed it as not cheating since we were separated. That's our view and everyone else is entitled to their own. 

But for sure, my xhusband is also hurt and upset that this is where we got to, that we couldn't fix it. Him not making any time for me to collect my things was partly because he was going away on holiday with some new friends he claimed he found. I believe it was another woman, he already told me he was seeing someone. I don't even care to be honest, the last phone conversation we had (a couple of months ago) I wished him happiness. 

But yes, if I ever get my stuff back I'll be sure to check it 😆


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## Cindywife

MarmiteC said:


> Correct. The EA started 2 months AFTER I moved out and separated. With a guy in the USA. 4 months after the EA started he visited me in the UK. The PA started then = 6 months after separating, but yes, still married.
> 
> I later had a conversation with my xhusband and he told me at the same time he was on dating websites and had hooked up with 2 women. We both viewed it as not cheating since we were separated. That's our view and everyone else is entitled to their own.
> 
> But for sure, my xhusband is also hurt and upset that this is where we got to, that we couldn't fix it. Him not making any time for me to collect my things was partly because he was going away on holiday with some new friends he claimed he found. I believe it was another woman, he already told me he was seeing someone. I don't even care to be honest, the last phone conversation we had (a couple of months ago) I wished him happiness.
> 
> But yes, if I ever get my stuff back I'll be sure to check it 😆


Most relationships dwindle by the couple losing interest in the marriage and stop attending to its care and feeding. 

The best thing you can do for each other is to make the transition out of the relationship as easy as possible. While you'll never really be friends you can be gracious for the past and respectfully move apart.


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## drencrom

MarmiteC said:


> Correct. The EA started 2 months AFTER I moved out and separated. With a guy in the USA. 4 months after the EA started he visited me in the UK. The PA started then = 6 months after separating, but yes, still married.





> I later had a conversation with my xhusband and he told me at the same time he was on dating websites and had hooked up with 2 women. We both viewed it as not cheating since we were separated.


Hmmm, you never mentioned that before, at least I haven't seen it. And you didn't mention that to me in the DM. Would have been pertinent to your argument I would have thought.


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## thunderchad

As soon as you said you wanted a divorce you shouldn't have expected his time or help anymore.


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## uwe.blab

thunderchad said:


> As soon as you said you wanted a divorce you shouldn't have expected his time or help anymore.


yeah no kidding. OP leaves husband and then complains that he didn't help move and his family doesnt reach out. Wow. What did you expect?


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## MarmiteC

uwe.blab said:


> yeah no kidding. OP leaves husband and then complains that he didn't help move and his family doesnt reach out. Wow. What did you expect?


We mutually agreed to separate for some space. We couldn't get any space at all due to the pandemic. We couldn't go and see family or friends or even grab a hotel in order to get that space. I was in a financial position to rent a property to provide that space. When we had that space the chasm opened wider and it led to divorce.

Actually, I came back to this thread as I found out yesterday that the most likely reason I wasn't allowed access to my stuff is because he had some other woman's things there. We used to have a cleaner and she is a friend and still does clean for him. 

So it seems he moved on also - the difference is he hasn't owned it. I still don't have my things and I am still paying cat maintenance. lol


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