# I feel like I am losing my wife



## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

If this is in the wrong section I apologize. New to this site and haven't read into ever subcategory. I'm typing this on my phone so if there are odd typos or auto correct I'm sorry. 

For the last few months my wife has been acting like a totally different person. She is easily irritated, not sleeping, losing weight (from already skinny), not wanting to do things with me, not talking much to friends, going for very long walks, no interest in sex, doesn't want me to touch her, often sleeps in the guest bedroom.

She recently told me that 10 years ago she was raped. She was 15 and it was before I knew her. This is something that she has NEVER told me or hinted at before. We have been together for 6 years married for 3. The day she told me that she was raped she also went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and given escitalopram. She said she was on similar meds in the past, before we met. She is also going to be going to therapy. 

I feel like I don't even know my wife anymore. Or who she was to begin with. This is something that she straight up hid from me our whole relationship and I don't think I ever gave her reason. 

I don't know what triggered her to be like this. It has been 10 years since the attack and she was fine for at least 6 years. She has been slowly telling me details and each time it feels like it's being ripped open again. I wish she would just tell me it all at once so we can move past this and I could help her. 

When we met she said she was a virgin, which I do NOT care about. Do not twist my words. However since telling me this she has confided in me that she slept with one guy twice, then was raped by him and his friends. So she has had consensual sex before. I don't care that she has, I care that she lied. That being said, I understand it. I understand that she wanted to hide it or forget about it. It's more that she went above and beyond to stick to the virgin role. Acting more naive than she probably was, basically like she had never seen a naked man or penis in her life. She became pregnant as a result and aborted, she told doctors infront of me that she had only been pregnant 3x (with me). It's the lying that bothers me. An abortion could be relevant as she has had 3 miscarriages since we have been married (none recently). 

Now our life is a mess and it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under us. She isn't who I married. Maybe the meds and therapy will help. She says she doesn't know what triggered it. It just slowly came on until she couldn't take it anymore. At first I thought she was preparing to leave or having an affair. 

In a way, right or wrong, I feel cheated because I unknowingly agreed to this. She should have told me. She should have felt like she could tell me. Does this even usually happen, someone being affected by a rape 10 years later after being previously fine? I dont understand how she can go from fine to this. This isn't something that I can't talk to friends or family about, due to the personal nature. 

I don't know what to do at this point. I wouldn't leave her if she was raped while we were together so why am I even thinking about it just because it happened before we met? The affect on her and our relationship is the same. I would have done things differently if I had known she was raped. The first time we had sex was the first time she had sex since her rape. I think I should have been aware of it. I haven't been careful what I say or do, or what my friends say. I have a couple friends who often say things like I was raped or he raped me while speaking about a video game. My wife admitted that it always bothered her. She says she didn't want to be treated differently, but to an extent she needs to be. I have done things that upset her that I wouldn't have done if I knew. 

In a way, it's like starting from scratch.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

Sorry to hear about this... I'm sure all she wanted to do was to block that out of her memory and when she met you, she couldn't/ didn't want to share such an awful time in her life. Sometimes it's easier to just bury it somewhere. But is has now resurfaced--perhaps with the miscarriages . The good thing is she went to the doctor and hopefully will do some counseling to help her heal and move forward if possible. Just be patient and when she feels like talking, listen. It's really the best thing she needs is for you to listen and understand. I'm sure it was very traumatic for her.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> Sorry to hear about this... I'm sure all she wanted to do was to block that out of her memory and when she met you, she couldn't/ didn't want to share such an awful time in her life. Sometimes it's easier to just bury it somewhere. But is has now resurfaced--perhaps with the miscarriages . The good thing is she went to the doctor and hopefully will do some counseling to help her heal and move forward if possible. Just be patient and when she feels like talking, listen. It's really the best thing she needs is for you to listen and understand. I'm sure it was very traumatic for her.


I understand that it was a very hard time for her and from what she has told me I'm surprised she is as "normal" as she is, or has been. I feel that if she was ready to marry me she should have been able to tell me this. I don't think that I am necessarily mad about that she didn't tell me, but more upset that she didn't feel she could tell me. What does that say about me and our marriage? 

She hasn't had a miscarriage in a year, we have put conceiving on hold for a while to heal and decide on the next step we want to take. It may still have been a factor. She either doesn't know what caused this to resurface or won't tell me, which I guess would be nothing new for our marriage. 

She was in therapy before, following the attack, and it helped her a lot so I'm hoping it will help her again. She made an appointment but of course it takes a few weeks to get in. For now she is on medication but we have to wait a few weeks to see if it's helping at all. 

I feel like I don't recognize my wife anymore. And our history feels like a lie. I know I shouldn't feel that way but, I do.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

While you are dealing with the expectations of understanding why she did not share her painful past, she too is dealing with the same in addition to having lived that painful past.

She was as ready as she could be... is it possible in your disappointment she is not meeting rules that you are putting into place for her?

If you are not a safe zone, she will desperately seek another as we all do in times of coping. It may not necessarily be another person so please don't mistake my intent here, but a withdrawal to a place she can find even a temporary sanctuary.

She carries a lot of misplaced shame yet she shouldn't, but in that shame she owns it all, she will need a lot of patience and compassion. I know you are suffering from this too because you can't know what you don't know and this is an unavoidable truth.

"In a way, right or wrong, I feel cheated because I unknowingly agreed to this". Ok, this is simply how it is... you were an unknowing participant.

That was yesterday, today you are a knowing one.

What would you like to do about it knowing all you can control is you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think you have to think about where she is coming from. Rape is a traumatic experience and one which many victims take years to be able to reveal and get help in fear of judgement, not being wanted etc. You should stop taking this personally and making it about you, it is not. 
Right now you need to speak with her and tell her you will be there once she is ready to deal with the trauma, whether that is going to a therapist, etc. Encourage her to do this and be supportive, don’t let her fears come become a reality, where you are more concerned about her not telling you and it being a reflection on you, etc, as I said it is not about you.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

My wife doesn't see me as a safety net. There are things she says she wants to tell me but won't because she doesn't want my opinion of her to change or for me to judge her. She thinks I, her husband, will shame her. If she can't talk to me about something that is clearly bothering her what kind of marriage do we have. 

Today she barely spoke to me. She sat in a chair most of the day, silent and not wanting to be touched. Mothers day and father's day are hard for her because of the miscarriages but she has never been this bad. 

If she won't let me in I don't know what to do for her. I came up behind her today and kissed her neck and she started crying and didn't want me to touch her after that. 

She won't tell me what the he'll happened to cause this 10 years after the fact. She won't tell me what I do right or wrong. We won't get anywhere.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?

ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Tobyboy said:


> I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?
> 
> ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?


This is something that needs to be honestly investigated. There are just too many warning signs to be ignored or brushed off.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

That being said, I will add two more things - 

- the first is you are doing the right thing by deferring any further discussions of trying to conceive at this time. There are too many unknowns and too many issues to address before bringing more mouths to feed into the mix. A baby will cause MORE issues and chaos and will not fix a thing.

- This is out of the realm of strangers on an internet forum. This is a complex and potentially volatile situation that needs a multi-disciplinary approach involving medical doctors, therapists and marital counselors. Don't try to treat brain cancer with wive's tales and folk remedies here.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

Tobyboy said:


> I'm gonna be the bad guy here and say.....she cheated or is cheating. Way to many red flags to ignore the possibility. As to what trigger this detachment? Tell us more on what she was doing when you noticed? Was she going out without you? We're you away for a while?
> 
> ETA: Where is she going on these long walks and when? Does she take her phone with her? Is she attached to her phone?


When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence. 

She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city. 

She is attached to her phone. It goes everywhere with her and she doesn't really like me using it. 

This started with her pulling back slowly and being very irritable. Followed by not wanting to kiss, not wanting sex, not wanting to go out. I haven't gone away, nothing in our routine has changed.

She went to the doctor and was prescribed medication for depression and anxiety and a referral for therapy. You can't make up mental health conditions and be diagnosed. If she hadn't seen the doctor maybe I'd still wonder about cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rawlyk said:


> When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence.
> 
> She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city.
> 
> ...


There is a lot going on here. 

You are right that your wife clearly has depresson and anxiety as she is getting help for it.

But having those does not mean that she is not also cheating. She might not be cheating. Or she might be. 

Since you now know that she has a history of hiding some pretty important things from you and even lying about these things, you know that she has a propensity to lie. There is a reason why she has suddenly now decided that now she can slowly tell you the truth about some things in her past. So something changed or happened to her about the time she changed. I think you need to do some looking to see if you can figure that out.

Cheating is definitely something that could be a catalyst. Her new revelations could be her way to creating the distance she needs from you to justify it.

You might want to at least look at her cell phone bill and see if there is a number that she is often in contact with. That would be a start.

Also, I think that there is a reason why she is tickle truthing you about the rape and other things. She does not feel safe. So she's testing the waters. The best thing you could do right now is be empathetic and listen when she shares. Over time she might learn to trust you. Remember that if the only thing going on is her dealing with the rape, she is most likely her own harshest judge. It might be herself that she does not trust. The voices in her head might be what is judging her and preventing her from opening up.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I can't believe I am about to write this, and I will probably get blasted for it, but this situation seems off to me. Your gut intuition is guiding you the right way, and you know this situation better than anyone. I agree with you, I would be very upset by all the lies she has told. I tend to think she is covering up something else, such as an affair, and perhaps using this as a diversionary tactic. Being a victim of a sexual crime doesn't excuse one from being honest with their spouse. She didn't just omit info, she decieved you over a very long period of time by "going above and beyond to play the virgin role." You feel like your life is a lie, because it sounds like a lot of it is. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I hope in the long run it works out best for all involved.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

rawlyk said:


> When this first started I accused my wife of having an affair. She denied it and was very upset (though not angry). She wouldn't tell me what was going on but denied over and over. When she told me she was raped I felt horrible for accusing her of an affair. I don't want to bring that back up without solid evidence.
> 
> She goes for long walks daily. She's gone for 2 hours most times. She takes her phone, sometimes the dog. She says walking helps clear her mind and makes her feel better. She says she goes walking down the waterfront of our city.
> 
> ...



OK, rape trauma is one thing, disappearing for 2 hours on walks is definitely another.
Investigate, take time off and follow her or pay a PI to do it. Something doesn't sound right at all. I'm sorry. She may well have cheated/cheating and is so confused and muddled is using her past to explain her present - cheaters do that sometimes so they do not have to confront what they are doing and take responsibility.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

No kids. Unless she was activly trying to get help. And keeping me abreast on how shes feeling i would think about leaving.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There is a lot going on here.
> 
> You are right that your wife clearly has depresson and anxiety as she is getting help for it.
> 
> ...


When her behaviour change first started I was sure that she was having an affair, or wanted out. I checked her phone and didn?t find any contacts I didn?t recognize, text conversations other than her regular ones or anything on Facebook. I checked her email and didn?t find anything. I just checked the call logs and didn?t find any number that she has been calling a lot. 

She sleeps with her phone with her, either in her hand tucked into her chest or under her pillow. If I ask to use her phone to look something up, text someone or use it as a remote (for our tv) sometimes she is fine with it and sometimes she says she doesn?t have it on her or it?s dead. She is the same with her laptop. She created a separate account with the same background and username for me to use and assumed I wouldn?t notice. She also seems to hide it when she isn?t home as I have looked for it and couldn?t find it. She generally only uses it in bed, so it shouldn?t venture far from there. 

She does have a history of lying and is able to lie seemingly very easily. I find it hard to trust what she says when so much of our past has been fabricated. I don?t want to confront her again and ask if she is having an affair if she really isn?t. If all that is going on is her difficulties with her rape then I don?t want to make that worse. If she isn?t having an affair then she is hiding something else. 

I do think she is testing the waters with what she tells me regarding her rape. At first it was just that she was raped and left it at that. Then more, and debatably worse, details started leaking out slowly. If I reacted at all she pulled back a bit. Whatever she wants to tell me she doesn?t trust me to know or trust that she won?t be judged.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you considering divorce at all?


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

jld said:


> Are you considering divorce at all?


It's on my mind. It's not what I'm jumping to but I think about it. If she is having an affair, yes I'm done. There is no coming back from that. We don't have kids, we haven't been married for 50 years. If she isn't having an affair, I'd like to be able to help her. If this is how it will be for the rest of our lives then that's a different thing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rawlyk said:


> It's on my mind. It's not what I'm jumping to but I think about it. If she is having an affair, yes I'm done. There is no coming back from that. We don't have kids, we haven't been married for 50 years. If she isn't having an affair, I'd like to be able to help her. If this is how it will be for the rest of our lives then that's a different thing.


I asked because it certainly seems you married under false pretenses. 

I think I would tell her that. If you love her, tell her that while you are going to file for divorce, you are open to dating and possibly remarrying. But this will be contingent on both of you being completely transparent with each other.

I would not go down the road of spying on her. I think that has the potential for being a huge trust breaker, similar to infidelity. I would not trust my husband if he were spying on me, anyway.

Are you considering telling her parents what she told you?

If she would be living with them after a divorce, and if you trust them to handle this wisely, it may be a good idea. Your wife needs to start being as honest as possible with herself if she has any hope of getting healthier. And her parents knowing what happened might facilitate that.

ETA: I would like to shout out to @Mr Blunt, please. Mr Blunt, what would you advise this young man?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

rawlyk said:


> When her behaviour change first started I was sure that she was having an affair, or wanted out. I checked her phone and didn?t find any contacts I didn?t recognize, text conversations other than her regular ones or anything on Facebook. I checked her email and didn?t find anything. I just checked the call logs and didn?t find any number that she has been calling a lot.


She could be using an app for texting or voice calling, that would show up as data usage so you wouldn't be able to see it on the bill. Take a look at her data usage, is it high? Go back and look at usage before the problems started, compare how much data she was using before to now.



rawlyk said:


> *She sleeps with her phone with her, either in her hand tucked into her chest or under her pillow.* If I ask to use her phone to look something up, text someone or use it as a remote (for our tv) sometimes she is fine with it and sometimes she says she doesn?t have it on her or it?s dead. She is the same with her laptop. She created a separate account with the same background and username for me to use and assumed I wouldn?t notice. She also seems to hide it when she isn?t home as I have looked for it and couldn?t find it. She generally only uses it in bed, so it shouldn?t venture far from there.


Sleeping with the phone and the alternate user account and hiding her laptop are red flags. Sometimes she's fine with handing over the phone and sometimes she's not, well sometimes she's removed all the evidence and sometimes she's not sure it's clean.




rawlyk said:


> She does have a history of lying and is able to lie seemingly very easily. I find it hard to trust what she says when so much of our past has been fabricated. I don?t want to confront her again and ask if she is having an affair if she really isn?t. If all that is going on is her difficulties with her rape then I don?t want to make that worse. If she isn?t having an affair then she is hiding something else.


This is a red flag not just for infidelity but for having a relationship in general. How can you live with someone you can't trust? Don't confront again without hard evidence. Hide what you're doing, if she thinks you still suspect her of cheating she's going to be more careful thus more difficult to catch.



rawlyk said:


> I do think she is testing the waters with what she tells me regarding her rape. At first it was just that she was raped and left it at that. Then more, and debatably worse, details started leaking out slowly. If I reacted at all she pulled back a bit. Whatever she wants to tell me she doesn?t trust me to know or trust that she won?t be judged.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

First, you seem to not be very tech savvy. Checking her contacts, looking at her call log, reading her texts, etc. is useless. Call logs can be deleted, texts can be deleted, men can be listed in contacts under "Susie", and the AP could actually be a female. A lot of people cheating use apps or games to communicate. Using apps and games leaves no record on the phone or the phone bill. Some cheaters use burner phones and pay for them with minutes cards or through companies that go month to month like Boost or MetroPCS. A lot of cheaters also have email and social media accounts their spouses know nothing about and cannot possibly check.

If you really want to investigate the possibility of cheating, you need to consider a VAR (voice activated recorder) where she commonly talks on her phone (car, bedroom, attic...whatever) and some keylogger software.
@Nucking Futs Data usage isn't necessarily going to be high. WiFi is free everywhere from Burger King to the DMV. Our phones and bills only reflect data from our network and nothing of what we're doing on various WiFi signals.

If she's not cheating, you're still going to have to cope with her mental/emotional issues and the fact that she lied to you for so many years about such deeply personal and intimate things. I can't imagine how betrayed I'd feel in your place. She not only lied to you about her sexual history and assault, she concealed pertinent medical information that may be effecting her ability to conceive and carry your child as well as emotional trauma that could effect your relationship and marriage should she be triggered. I'm not sure that is something I could forgive and I certainly wouldn't be able to regain trust.

It's good that you're not trying to conceive at this time. Many anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications cannot be taken safely during pregnancy. If the marriage survives and you do want children in the future it will be something you'll have to plan in advance because she'll need to find medication safe to take during pregnancy and in the combination that works for her. It's a process and can take months.

Whatever you decide about the marriage, your wife needs to see a reproductive specialist about her inability to carry a pregnancy to term. The specialist needs to know about the assault and the abortion. It is possible her uterus was damaged. If that's the case, sometimes surgery can treat the problem.

You also should consider that there is no guarantee she will get better or become the woman you thought she was when you married her. Some people are so broken, they never really heal even with the best meds and therapy. Investigate, give it some time as long as she is seeking physical and mental health treatment, but don't wait years hoping for a change that isn't coming.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

jld said:


> I asked because it certainly seems you married under false pretenses.
> 
> I think I would tell her that. If you love her, tell her that while you are going to file for divorce, you are open to dating and possibly remarrying. But this will be contingent on both of you being completely transparent with each other.
> 
> ...


If what she said was true, she has told one person that she was raped and never told her parents. She told a close (male) friend she had, shortly after it happened. I don't think it's my place to tell her parents, she isn't very close to them and I can see them throwing judgement. 

Filing for divorce seems extreme. I would think that divorcing her right after she told me this will make things worse and prove that she couldn't trust me. I could explain that it's not because she was raped but because she lied, whether she'd believe that I don't know. I don't want to give up that easily when I have no solid evidence that she is having an affair. 

If she has not cheated, if medication and therapy help her and if this is all she lied about, I think we could be ok. One of those isn't going to be true though, she's hiding something. I don't know if it's cheating or something else in her past.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rawlyk said:


> If what she said was true, she has told one person that she was raped and never told her parents. She told a close (male) friend she had, shortly after it happened. I don't think it's my place to tell her parents, she isn't very close to them and I can see them throwing judgement.
> 
> Filing for divorce seems extreme. I would think that divorcing her right after she told me this will make things worse and prove that she couldn't trust me. I could explain that it's not because she was raped but because she lied, whether she'd believe that I don't know. I don't want to give up that easily when I have no solid evidence that she is having an affair.
> 
> If she has not cheated, if medication and therapy help her and if this is all she lied about, I think we could be ok. One of those isn't going to be true though, she's hiding something. I don't know if it's cheating or something else in her past.


If her parents cannot be trusted, and in particular if she does not trust them, then I agree you should not tell them.

I do not think divorce seems extreme in these circumstances. I think it might actually be very helpful in her becoming more honest with herself.

Your trust has been broken. That is the reality of this situation, of marrying under false pretenses. I do not think it will work to discount that in any way.

But please realize that your spying is a trust breaker, too, and could result in similar consequences.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> rawlyk said:
> 
> 
> > When her behaviour change first started I was sure that she was having an affair, or wanted out. I checked her phone and didn?t find any contacts I didn?t recognize, text conversations other than her regular ones or anything on Facebook. I checked her email and didn?t find anything. I just checked the call logs and didn?t find any number that she has been calling a lot.
> ...


Her data usage is usually under 400mb, she doesn't use much. Based on how much of the allowed usage I've used, she would be at 1.6gb this month which is half the billing cycle. That being said, it's possible she forgot to switch to Wi-Fi (she's done that before). Trying to look at it from both sides... 

Seeing it written out though, it doesn't seem like anything other than cheating. I don't think she would have a reason to cheat. Before her behaviour changed we had a good sex life, we got along well, we spent time together, she didn't complain about lack of attention. We had hard times with trying to get and stay pregnant and miscarriages but that was our only major problem. We still leaned on each other during that time. Right before this started we went for genetic counselling to see if there was a link there, but we didn't complete the process. If she was somehow blaming me for our struggle maybe that would cause it. She doesn't seem like the person to cheat, but I guess who does.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Take a look at the phone bill.

Do it today.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

MJJEAN said:


> First, you seem to not be very tech savvy. Checking her contacts, looking at her call log, reading her texts, etc. is useless. Call logs can be deleted, texts can be deleted, men can be listed in contacts under "Susie", and the AP could actually be a female. A lot of people cheating use apps or games to communicate. Using apps and games leaves no record on the phone or the phone bill. Some cheaters use burner phones and pay for them with minutes cards or through companies that go month to month like Boost or MetroPCS. A lot of cheaters also have email and social media accounts their spouses know nothing about and cannot possibly check.
> 
> If you really want to investigate the possibility of cheating, you need to consider a VAR (voice activated recorder) where she commonly talks on her phone (car, bedroom, attic...whatever) and some keylogger software.
> @Nucking Futs Data usage isn't necessarily going to be high. WiFi is free everywhere from Burger King to the DMV. Our phones and bills only reflect data from our network and nothing of what we're doing on various WiFi signals.
> ...


I am more of a computer guy than a cellphone guy. I know that she could have deleted all evidence from her phone. The phone logs on our bill wouldn't be changed though. I was just saying that when I checked I didn't find anything. I've read that some programs can recover deleted information, I have not tried that as I wasn't able to get her phone without her around and when she told me that she was raped I tried to forget about the affair allegations and chalk it up to that. We both have the same phones, Samsung S6. Her computer however is a Mac and I don't know if that would be harder to track. I hate Apple products and I am not as familiar with iOS software as PC.

I didn't think about using an app to communicate. I looked through her apps for things like Tinder, but didn't find anything. If she had a secondary phone I don't know about it and have never seen one around. It seems like an extreme length to go to, but I've never cheated so what do I know. 

We actually have a voice activated recorder lying around here somewhere, I think. I have no idea where I would put it though. She talks to family and friends in the house and doesn't hide those conversations. Her car would be the next place I guess. I've have not seen her go to her car to take calls but I also don't watch her closely either. 

If she is not having an affair: It's probably wishful thinking to think she will take her medication, it will start to kick in over the next few weeks, she will go to therapy and our lives will go back to the way they were. 

I think I am going to have a hard time with the lying. She played the part well and being married to a good liar does not sound like a good time. I don't want to be questioning everything in our past, present and future. We struggled for 2 years with trying to get and stay pregnant. She was often very upset and wondering why she couldn't stay pregnant and why it was taking longer than expected to get pregnant each time. When a doctor was trying to figure out a reason she straight up lied about ever being pregnant before and aborting. She could have easily just told me she had been pregnant once before, had an abortion because she was too young and that would be the end of it. She knows I'm pro-choice, she claims to be anti. It is definitely relevant to her fertility. She also knows that I have a sexual history and didn't care if she did. It's not as if I was a virgin as well and only wanted a virgin. Even right before this came out she would say that I was the only person she had been with, without me prompting. The conversation could have gone on without that piece but she would throw it in. She is so wound in the part she's played that who knows if she can come out of it. Was she just scared or is she a pathelogical liar.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Who is the male friend that she told about the rape and is he still in the scene? This is where you should start your investigation, spying, verifying, researching......... whatever you want to call it. Don't let others tell you what your deal breakers are!!!


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

Tobyboy said:


> Who is the male friend that she told about the rape and is he still in the scene? This is where you should start your investigation, spying, verifying, researching......... whatever you want to call it. Don't let others tell you what your deal breakers are!!!


He was a very close friend that she had in high school. She said they are no longer in contact and haven't been for 5 years. She didn't say why, other than they both moved and lost contact. She doesn't even have him on Facebook, though she use to because when I went way back I found posts from him on her wall and pictures.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

jld said:


> If her parents cannot be trusted, and in particular if she does not trust them, then I agree you should not tell them.
> 
> I do not think divorce seems extreme in these circumstances. I think it might actually be very helpful in her becoming more honest with herself.
> 
> ...


Invading her privacy is a trust breaker but if she won't open up to me and it like a chance to save our marriage what choice do I have? I don't want to sweep it under the rug but also don't want to throw in the towel so easily. Maybe I'm being stupid. There has never been a divorce in my family and I'd rather not be the first. It's feeling inevitable right now. If it is just rape that I'm dealing with I don't want to give a forceful ultimatum. I want to be able to go back and her to be honest from the beginning. That, of course, can never happen.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

rawlyk said:


> Invading her privacy is a trust breaker but if she won't open up to me and it like a chance to save our marriage what choice do I have? I don't want to sweep it under the rug but also don't want to throw in the towel so easily. Maybe I'm being stupid. There has never been a divorce in my family and I'd rather not be the first. It's feeling inevitable right now. If it is just rape that I'm dealing with I don't want to give a forceful ultimatum. I want to be able to go back and her to be honest from the beginning. That, of course, can never happen.


It is not a life or death issue to stay married, OP. You will both survive either way.

If you were spying on her to save her life in some way, like if you thought drug dealers were after her, and you could protect her by going to the police with that info, then I think the spying might be justified. 

But as it is, you are looking out for your own interests. Morally, imo, that is much harder to justify. And again, it could have serious consequences. Spying is always risky.

Have you considered consulting with a professional counselor?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

rawlyk said:


> Invading her privacy is a trust breaker but if she won't open up to me and it like a chance to save our marriage what choice do I have? I don't want to sweep it under the rug but also don't want to throw in the towel so easily. Maybe I'm being stupid. There has never been a divorce in my family and I'd rather not be the first. It's feeling inevitable right now. If it is just rape that I'm dealing with I don't want to give a forceful ultimatum. I want to be able to go back and her to be honest from the beginning. That, of course, can never happen.


Lies are trust breakers. I would say in all honesty....your W is having an affair.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I can't believe I am about to write this, and I will probably get blasted for it, but this situation seems off to me. Your gut intuition is guiding you the right way, and you know this situation better than anyone. I agree with you, I would be very upset by all the lies she has told. I tend to think she is covering up something else, such as an affair, and perhaps using this as a diversionary tactic. Being a victim of a sexual crime doesn't excuse one from being honest with their spouse. She didn't just omit info, she decieved you over a very long period of time by "going above and beyond to play the virgin role." You feel like your life is a lie, because it sounds like a lot of it is. I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I hope in the long run it works out best for all involved.


Sounds like during her walks she wants freedom to contact the OM without having to hide from you. She's not going on these walks to clear her head.


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## rawlyk (Jun 18, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> Sounds like during her walks she wants freedom to contact the OM without having to hide from you. She's not going on these walks to clear her head.


So every time I've told her to enjoy her walk what I've really been telling her is to enjoy being pounded by some bloke. Quite a few times, before it got this bad, I tried to initiate sex when she got back from her walks and she said no because she was sweating but wouldn't shower. Didn't want to because she was sweaty or because she had just been filled by some other guy.

Now I feel done.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

1. Why the eff is this now such a problem? What triggered her? There's nothing in your posts that suggest anything happened.

2. Why is she teasing out details like this?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Rawlyk
Based on your posts your marriage is in a lot of trouble but you already know that. *You are in trouble if she is cheating or not cheating because you will not be able to stay married to your wife unless she gets a lot better*…Everyone can empathize with her because she was raped; that is a terrible hurt. However, her latest behavior will render you a door mat or an emotional disaster unless she gets a lot better.

As for her cheating, she has a LOT of the red flags that go along with cheating. *Even if she is not cheating you have a serious problem with her lying and the trust factor and you have stated that you feel cheated. Furthermore, she does not trust you as you have stated “…more upset that she didn't feel she could tell me”*

If you want to try and save the marriage then I suggest that you tell your wife that you are very empathetic about her situation and want to improve the marriage. No more tip toeing around the main issues; be honest. Empathetic, kind, loving, but faces and address the issues that will ruin your marriage if not improved. Getting a good therapist is a must and the issues that you have brought up in this thread have to be confronted and addressed. You are way over your head so do not think that her getting everything out in the open with you is enough for you and her to get passed this crisis. If your wife refuses to get the right help and then make the changes then you better concentrate on you taking care of yourself without staying in a relationship with her. You need to know that if her situation does not changed for the better it will make you a serious emotional cripple.

Unfortunately, your wife has created a situation where you cannot afford to remain neutral or in a state of inertia. *Get all the help that you can if you want to save the marriage but also take actions to get yourself in the best possible shape in the event you have to end the relationship and start a new life.*




> *By Rawlyk*
> For the last few months my wife has been acting like a totally different person. She is easily irritated, not sleeping, losing weight (from already skinny), not wanting to do things with me, not talking much to friends, going for very long walks, no interest in sex, doesn't want me to touch her, often sleeps in the guest bedroom.
> 
> I find it hard to trust what she says when so much of our past has been fabricated
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks for chiming in, @Mr Blunt!


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You are speculating. Take her phone and run Dr Fone to recover deleted texts and call logs. That will give you the answer. Period.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

rawlyk said:


> Her data usage is usually under 400mb, she doesn't use much. Based on how much of the allowed usage I've used, she would be at 1.6gb this month which is half the billing cycle. That being said, it's possible she forgot to switch to Wi-Fi (she's done that before). Trying to look at it from both sides...
> 
> Seeing it written out though, it doesn't seem like anything other than cheating. I don't think she would have a reason to cheat. Before her behaviour changed we had a good sex life, we got along well, we spent time together, she didn't complain about lack of attention. We had hard times with trying to get and stay pregnant and miscarriages but that was our only major problem. We still leaned on each other during that time. Right before this started we went for genetic counselling to see if there was a link there, but we didn't complete the process. If she was somehow blaming me for our struggle maybe that would cause it. She doesn't seem like the person to cheat, but I guess who does.


If wouldn't be the first time a woman cheated because if these issues. I have read stories of other women cheating going through the same thing as your wife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rawlyk said:


> Invading her privacy is a trust breaker but if she won't open up to me and it like a chance to save our marriage what choice do I have? I don't want to sweep it under the rug but also don't want to throw in the towel so easily. Maybe I'm being stupid. There has never been a divorce in my family and I'd rather not be the first. It's feeling inevitable right now. If it is just rape that I'm dealing with I don't want to give a forceful ultimatum. I want to be able to go back and her to be honest from the beginning. That, of course, can never happen.


I disagree that you snooping is an huge invasion. You are married. There is something wrong and she will not tell you what it is. You have the right to find out to protect both of you.

When my step daughter was having a lot of trouble in junior high school, she kept a diary. I used to read it and felt badly, but it was the only way I could figure out what the problems were at times. I talked to her counselor about me reading her diary. Her counselor said that it was normal for a kid like her to use a diary as a form of communication. That my step daughter clearly could not vocalize some things. So she wrote them. She knew I as going to read it. And so it was the only way she could tell me what was going on in her head at times.

If your wife is as disturbed by something as she appears to be, she might actually be needing for you to figure some things out yourself, if snooping is part of that, so be it. She never even needs to know that you snooped.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jb02157 said:


> Sounds like during her walks she wants freedom to contact the OM without having to hide from you. She's not going on these walks to clear her head.


While I think that there is a possibility that she is cheating, to say that her walks are proof of an affair is just silly.

I go for about a 2 hour walk every morning. Does that mean that I'm having an affair? People go for walks, runs, etc for the exercise.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

rawlyk said:


> So every time I've told her to enjoy her walk what I've really been telling her is to enjoy being pounded by some bloke. Quite a few times, before it got this bad, I tried to initiate sex when she got back from her walks and she said no because she was sweating but wouldn't shower. Didn't want to because she was sweaty or because she had just been filled by some other guy.
> 
> Now I feel done.


But you don't know if that is what she is doing. You need to follow her or hire a PI to follow her. She could just be going for walk. 

Her behavior is bizar enough that there is no telling what she is doing. But you have to find out. And there are way to find out.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

That's why your advice to snoop is great. The truth is always on the mobile. One simple run of Dr Fone can mean that everyone can end the weeks of soul-killing unknown.

Hell just grab her phone. The look on her face will tell you everything that you need to know


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> While I think that there is a possibility that she is cheating, to say that her walks are proof of an affair is just silly.
> 
> I go for about a 2 hour walk every morning. Does that mean that I'm having an affair? People go for walks, runs, etc for the exercise.


I did say "Sounds like". I didn't intend for that to mean she is categorically is cheating, but there certainly is a possibility of that happening. I'm sorry for any confusion my statement caused.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

The timing of her "confession" about the alleged rape, and the trickle-truthing of details, is EXTREMELY suspicious. Her pathological lies are telling and every single thing she says and does should be questioned.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

A little off base here:

If she takes the dog on her walks, and you aren't 100% sure of where she goes...

There are GPS for dogs. Amazon has them as do others. I know it sounds a little ( ? ) nuts but how suspicious are you and how are far are you willing to go?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> While I think that there is a possibility that she is cheating, to say that her walks are proof of an affair is just silly.
> 
> I go for about a 2 hour walk every morning. Does that mean that I'm having an affair? People go for walks, runs, etc for the exercise.


If going for walks is something she has always done and not out of her character/routine, I wouldn't be so concerned. If this is something new than it could be significant. Out of the blue, my XWW started going for walks occasionally which was strange because she hated exercise. It was so she could communicate with POSOM. It turns out that she was meeting him on some of those walks as well. She would walk over to the office complex, a couple blocks away. By this time of evening, there was no one there. He would be parked and waiting for her. You can guess what they were doing.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Have you considered the rape story may be a cover up for being a party girl in her younger years ,and she was afraid to admit to that? She already fessed up to at least one guy twice, and I'd bet that is minimization. After all the time she may have had to come clean about the abortion and the rape story was a good cover. I'd also venture there is something going on now. You have more red flags than a Chinese military parade.


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## twoofus (Jun 16, 2017)

Have you thought about reporting the alleged tape to the police? If it did happen then the guy would get something he deserves, even if goes no further than having a bad time with the police. There's a possibly you may have called someone's bluff and you then you will better informed about your wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I disagree that you snooping is an huge invasion. You are married. There is something wrong and she will not tell you what it is. You have the right to find out to protect both of you.


Yes to this x 1000 ^^^^^^^^^

I think it is complete crap when people say that you should not look into strange and suspicious behavior by your spouse. You not only have a right, but you have an actual responsibility to protect your marriage and protect the sanctity and security of your home and marital life. If something turns fishy, you have a responsibility to find out what it is even if it does upset or anger your spouse. 

Look at it this way, if you go out to your car to go to work in the morning and you notice the engine is still a little warm and the fuel guage is down a quarter of tank from the night before, would you not look into what happened with it?

If you started noticing items missing or being rearranged in your house when no one was home, wouldn't you investigate that?

If funds started missing out of your savings and investment portfolios, wouldn't you save no expense in getting to the bottom of that?

Well your spouse and marriage is your biggest investment in life that has the biggest potential for positive or negative impact on your well being through out your life so why on God's Green Earth would someone not investigate suspicious and concerning activity taking place in one's marriage???????

Something is terribly wrong here and your wife is not being honest or forthcoming about it, so there for you will be negligent and irresponsible to NOT fully investigate this with 100% due diligence. 

At this point we don't know if she is crazy and about to have some kind of serious breakdown or do something very harmful. 

We don't know if she having an affair but there are more red flags here than a Chinese festival. 

We don't know if she is having an affair that is making her crazy or if she has gone off her rocker and is about to pick some dude which is a very real threat because crazy chicks do all sorts of crazy and wild sexual stuff all the time. 

We don't know what is going on exactly and that is the reason it is critical for you to leave no stone unturned in finding out!!!!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> We don't know if she is having an affair that is making her crazy or if she has gone off her rocker and is about to pick some dude which is a very real threat because crazy chicks do all sorts of crazy and wild sexual stuff all the time.


The point I want to make here is even if she hasn't got down with some dude yet, that doesn't mean that it isn't in the near future.

Women that have had some kind of mental or emotional breakdown or crisis are very vulnerable sexually. 

All it may take is a drink or two or a few charming words from some slickster and her pants will hit the floor.

She may be acting all standoffish and uninterested with you at the moment, but that doesn't mean she wouldn't go from 0-100 in a matter of moments with some slick talking stud. 

Acting out sexually in inappropriate and even destructive manners is often a manifestation of emotional/mental disorders.

So even if she hasn't cheated yet, that doesn't mean she won't tomorrow and it doesn't mean that inappropriate sexual activity won't be a component of the issue.


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## Nix2 (Jun 16, 2016)

Reading your post was bizarre for me, because the beginning of the end of my previous relationship came when my ex disclosed to me that SHE had been raped, in her case, 10 years before we met, so at the time of disclosure, the attack was 20 years in the past. At that point we had been together for nearly eleven years, and while our relationship by then was far from perfect, this was the last thing I saw coming. She'd never breathed a word of it to me before this; and I was the first person she told.

Other similarities to your situation: concurrent with the disclosure of the attack, my ex was also undergoing personality changes including a very significant weight loss, questioning her sexuality (we were a lesbian couple and I am now remarried to a woman), and withdrawing not only from me but also from her family and others close to her. And, while I didn't know it at the time, she began dating the man she would eventually marry a few years down the road while still technically in a relationship with me, living under a shared roof with me, and allowing me to pay all of her bills as she strung me along with false hope. But that is my story, not yours.

I'm not saying your situation is going to end the way that mine did necessarily, but from experience, I can say that recovering a memory this traumatic is going to shake your wife to her core and will definitely have an impact on your relationship. Because of the nature of what she experienced, it's probably reasonable to expect it to have a temporary impact on your sex life. However, what I would suggest again based on my personal experience with something very similar, is that IF your wife, as mine did, starts finding excuses not to be with you, doesn't want to spend time with you anymore, starts saying things like "it's not you it's me," "I don't know what's wrong with me," "I feel dead inside," and becomes completely unwilling to acknowledge or meet your needs in any way, form, or fashion, then it's probably a sign that IN ADDITION to the very real memories she's dealing with, she's also preparing to leave the relationship.

I'll watch your thread and hope for the best for you. In my case, the previous relationship did end and it WAS indeed the best for me. Sometimes forces beyond our control know better than we do, what is best.


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