# Transparency as part of rebuilding trust



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would like to hear how transparency is used in relationships for rebuilding trust after an affair. I am particularly interested in whether or not people, looking back, wish they had had it since the beginning of the relationship. Or if you did have it at the beginning, why it broke down.

If you have moved on from a relationship affected by an affair, did you make transparency a key component of the next relationship? How did you do that?

I am a big advocate of transparency, and believe it is key for building trust. That is my bias in this discussion.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

The blind, faith based trust of a new relationship is permanently destroyed upon betrayal and now a semblance of trust replaces it.

That replacement trust is based on having to prove one us not continuing to betray as opposed to love and faith. And, of course, the betrayed has to accept it as a false trust in all reality and hope betrayal isn't on going.

So I guess one can call it trust, but is it really?

To me, it isn't. There should be a different name for it.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

That really seems to be the issue: reestablishing trust. Very hard once it has been lost. 

BP, has transparency helped in that for you? I am sorry not to already be familiar with your story.


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I understand your need to invent a perfect pill; transparancy. Unfortunately, transparance is there untill one part decides that there isn't. And a spouse is faithful untill he/she's not.

And you trust someone untill you find out that you shouldn't have done that.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

jld said:


> That really seems to be the issue: reestablishing trust. Very hard once it has been lost.
> 
> BP, has transparency helped in that for you? I am sorry not to already be familiar with your story.


After betrayal #1 she was willing to try and be transparent but made it clear she would not talk about what they did sexually.

After betrayal #2, she refused to discuss anything at all.


----------



## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

jld said:


> I would like to hear how transparency is used in relationships for rebuilding trust after an affair. I am particularly interested in whether or not people, looking back, wish they had had it since the beginning of the relationship. Or if you did have it at the beginning, why it broke down.
> 
> If you have moved on from a relationship affected by an affair, did you make transparency a key component of the next relationship? How did you do that?
> 
> I am a big advocate of transparency, and believe it is key for building trust. That is my bias in this discussion.


I did not have full transparency in my relationship from the beginning because I trusted him 100% and felt everyone needed their privacy. I never wanted to be perceived as jealous and controlling, which is why I put up with poor boundaries I shouldn't have. And like most other people, I never imagined my spouse would cheat on me. 

Things are, of course, completely different now that we are in a successful R. The trust is starting to come back (although it will never again be 100% - but I now believe that isn't healthy for anyone). I have all his passwords, the phone records, etc. At first I checked them obsessively. Now, it's only once in awhile. And everything always checks out. The biggest thing that helped to rebuild trust was when he would immediately tell me things, such as the OW contacting him by email (he could have just assumed he caught it in time before I saw it). Or would tell me things that I would never have known about, like seeing the OW in public without me there. 

Anyway, dealing with infidelity definitely changes how you feel about the transparency issue.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

That's the name of the game---PRIVACY

When one marries, they become one with their partner, and in a mge, those partners should understand there can be NO expectation of privacy

If one wants Privacy, then one stays SINGLE


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

There is never any real trust in a relationship after infidelity. Transparency causes the betrayer to go underground. 

The only way to have trust in a relationship is to end the broken one and create a new one with a different person.

This is why betrayal is so wrong and hurtful. Betrayal does not damage a relationship, it kills a relationship.

So don't betray!


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Transparency is a two way street and is for accountability to each other. Parties are still free to do what they want to do, but they have to be accountable for their actions. It is something that is done between equals.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

We had transparency. Didn't stop the cheating, however.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I had transparency all the way through my WW's affair. I had her email password and phone password. However WW used her work phone for her affair. The phone actually never came home with her. It would stay in her office as her day ended at four thirty. The cell phone she used was when she was off property. I could never see those phone records or her office phone for that matter. I have only seen four emails between them on her personal email. So I would say I had transparency, she just used different methods. Workplace affairs really do suck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I had transparency all the way through my WW's affair. I had her email password and phone password. However WW used her work phone for her affair. The phone actually never came home with her. It would stay in her office as her day ended at four thirty. The cell phone she used was when she was off property. I could never see those phone records or her office phone for that matter. I have only seen four emails between them on her personal email. So I would say I had transparency, she just used different methods. Workplace affairs really do suck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I had access to all her emails and her phone as well. But it didn't stop her from using a secret email address, incognito browsing and lunches, breaks with AP from work. She would tell me about her day so I thought I knew everything. So you can still be fooled into a false sense of security with so called transparency. Where there is a will there is a way so they say.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Tryingpatience

It's like running into a brick wall without putting your hands out. There were two people in her department. We drove to work together although separate buildings. This makes me rage just typing but her affair was during work hours. I DROVE HER TO HER AP AND BACK HOME!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

If your wayward spouse was using another media or device that you were not privy to, then you did not have transparency. You got punked by a very conniving individual. There is nothing that you can do to stop infidelity, if your spouse desires to be unfaithful. Accountability to one another is a deterrent, letting your spouse know where you are going, being where you are suppose to be, letting them know if you are going to be late, openness with all media and devices.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

VFW said:


> If your wayward spouse was using another media or device that you were not privy to, then you did not have transparency.


:iagree:

Transparency, to me, means nothing hidden. Everything is out in the open.


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

While I demanded complete transparency and NC as prerequisites for R, my FWH was not and I regret I allowed him chance after chance...I kept redrawing the line in the sand. Because of this weakness on my part our false R took nearly three years, a lot of pain and anxiety for me. But I did finally learn all I needed to know about his affairs even though it was TTed. If I had kicked him out at the first noncompliance I discovered, I doubt we would be together today...and I certainly wouldn't have learned the truth from him about his first affair years ago. And that may have been as OK for me and my healing as remaining with him...

But now I feel I know the worst of his past and knowing more he still may be hiding would not make a difference, outside a love-child come calling. 

But as for the future? One more lie or deception to promote an infidelity or even cross that boundary and all bets are off. I have healed at least that much from DDay #1 to know I will never allow myself to be treated as a doormat ever again, by anyone on earth.


----------



## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

allwillbewell said:


> While I demanded complete transparency and NC as prerequisites for R, my FWH was not and I regret I allowed him chance after chance...I kept redrawing the line in the sand. Because of this weakness on my part our false R took nearly three years, a lot of pain and anxiety for me. But I did finally learn all I needed to know about his affairs even though it was TTed. If I had kicked him out at the first noncompliance I discovered, I doubt we would be together today...and I certainly wouldn't have learned the truth from him about his first affair years ago. And that may have been as OK for me and my healing as remaining with him...
> 
> But now I feel I know the worst of his past and knowing more he still may be hiding would not make a difference, outside a love-child come calling.
> 
> But as for the future? One more lie or deception to promote an infidelity or even cross that boundary and all bets are off. I have healed at least that much from DDay #1 to know I will never allow myself to be treated as a doormat ever again, by anyone on earth.


If you had truly "healed", you would not be with your spouse today!


----------



## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Transparency, to me, means nothing hidden. Everything is out in the open.


This is very true, which makes transparancy a mostly theoretical concept; you have transparancy untill you haven't. And I'm loyal untill I'm not.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> We had transparency. Didn't stop the cheating, however.


Same. 

My wife did temporarily remove transparency via a password on her phone. It hid everything.

But before the cheating and now, after REAL R, we both always had it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> If you had truly "healed", you would not be with your spouse today!


Hey Walter, some people do successfully reconcile and trust each other after infidelity. Your statements are pure generalizations and inaccurate in many cases.


----------



## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

I'm old, so I've come to the conclusion that living your life with a commitment and willingness to be transparent is a fundamental building block of good character in general.

Which kind of leads to some interesting ethical paradoxes, I expect, for people who must deceive for a living (e.g. intelligence officers, undercover law enforcement).

I have never personally known anybody--that I know of--that lived a life filled with secrets that didn't have a deeply flawed character anyway. Integrity and being who you really are all the time is kind of key, I think. Living your life like you wouldn't mind reading about all of its details in the morning paper which is also read by your family, friends and coworkers is the way to go, I think.

Of course, people will hopefully be too bored to finish a story on you


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> Same.
> 
> My wife did temporarily remove transparency via a password on her phone. It hid everything.
> 
> But before the cheating and now, after REAL R, we both always had it.


Yup, I thought we had transparency also. I didn't realize she was cunning enough to get a secret email address and secret facebook account and use her work phone to contact OM. I clearly underestimated her. I had no clue because she was always asking me to post her pictures and videos on facebook for her. 

IF I only had a keylogger installed back then!


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Timeheals

I have done undercover work, however, I still have integrity and can process between right and wrong. I see it as a way to remove danger from the public. I don't go home and deceive my family just because I did it at work for eight hours. I too am old and believe in my commitment and vows towards my marriage. I will say for R to happen complete transparency is a must. I have that now but the horse ran from that barn years ago. I don't see my WW as conniving, work electronics is how she needed to contact this co-worker. WW hardly used email with OM, it was the cell phone that was the method of contact.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I don't think I demand anything to be transparent so to speak. I don't have access to my Gf email, facebook, phone ect...

Would she give them to me if I asked? .I think so but I'm not sure.


What I have carried on is iron clad boundary and limits on what I will tolerate In my new relationships. If she did something that made me jealous, and she did once, I would tell her that bothered me and not to do it again. If she did it one more time I'm gone. 

My defense mechanism is an almost zero tolerance for anything that makes me uncomfortable or question someone lying or cheating.

I'm not saying that's the best way to be...it's just become the way I am.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I have transparency but it is the transparency she does not know about.
so i guess it is only one way transparency but then again I am the BS.

still not fool proof.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Transparency should be the normal state in a trusting relationship. There is nothing about you that you should want to hide from your spouse.


----------

