# Advice desperately needed!! Pregnant and Divorce



## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi Everyone I just signed up for this forum.. I could really use advice..
In short I've been married a year this September. Our marriage has been shakey since the beginning. I was 23 and he was 35 and a Marine. My only "parent" passed away when he and I started our relationship in May of 2010, than married September 2010. I also got over bulimia at that time. From that moment I felt like I made a totally bad decision and always threatened divorce, he caught me talking to other guys and I, being like my parents always used very hurtful words to attack him constantly.. He dealt with my **** and than at one point in March cheated on me after gathering that I must have!! I hadn't but I could see where my actions had been the catalyst.. He was suicidal but I gave him a chance and we started moving forward. More stress came, he avoided a deployment due to the cheating and my finding out. We moved from Los Angeles closer to his base so he wouldn't have to commute which he did for 8 months for me! Than I got pregnant this July. He always wanted a child I did not, and I felt very unready for this, especially with the nature of our relationship. After many arguments and my leaving a few times to live with a friend, threatening abortions for a week at most I decided to keep the baby when I realized and he basically made it clear he would divorce me If I didn't since that was the thing that would really make or break our relationship. He immediately became very depressed due to work and the stress, as my hormones went up I definitely got crazy the first two months. 

One night We had a very large fight where he decided (he says) that If the cops had come I could have threatened his career. Now I'm living with a friend because he won't communicate with me, except in short phrases. He avoids texting me, facebook, calling me. He hardly has sex with me he prefers to jerk off and the the other night I cried and told him I'm making so many changes and I've become very aware of all the things I had done (which in the last 8 weeks I had changed those terrible habits) but he said I'm still unstable. He's afraid I'll have another one of those fights and can't afford to risk his career. He's unsure. He says he just wants to relax and be left alone etc.. 
Now he is being deployed right after the baby comes this March, and I know his new job in the Marines is extremely important he is high up. I had to move out because I don't want to stress him and he says If I stay there he will go on base instead but I can't be there because I don't have a car and I go crazy home all day, practically becoming suicidal. Now I'm back in LA where I can get around easily without a car, plus I'm looking for a temp job to keep my mind busy during the holidays. I'm staying with my friend till the baby comes.. 

Meanwhile I don't know what my husband is thinking. He mentioned divorce but hasn't acted on it just mentioned people at work have asked him. I asked him to please just do it, If he feels this is too much, since I'd rather just know than sit here crying over him. He says he would but never brings it up.. He texts me daily or so to ask me how I'm doing but usually doesn't ask or say much else. He wants to be at the birth and he's going to my 20 week appointment Friday.. I just don't know what to do, part of me wants to file but my best friends parents who are marriage psychologist for like 20 years tell me to sit back and wait, that he would have already filed since he is a definite guy. And to quite doing irrational things our of fear! I just don't know what to do. Sure he'll always support me as I have his child and be a great father I know but I love him. This is the first time I've ever remotely loved anyone! I'm so hurt tomorrow is my bday and last year he did more for me than anyone on Earth has ever, he was such a loving considerate man and I couldn't see that!!.. He chased me for a year as I was a f$%@king ***** to him, I feel like the least I can do is swallow sh$t and keep trying till its final. I told him I won't give up on him because he didn't give up on me.I know he hears me but he's emotionally shut down.. still I don't know what to do!! I cry a lot and my friend is getting sick of it but he tries to be supportive... Anyone please advice this is so hard.. I turn 25 tomorrow and my baby is due March.. I just keep thinking he wants to focus on the deployment than when he gets there he will have enough time to think and I will be the one who he can call and write to and send him everything he needs and maybe it will make us stronger??? 
......


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

MandaPanda said:


> I cry a lot and my friend is getting sick of it but he tries to be supportive...
> ......


MandPanda

Do I understand this correctly? You are separated from your husband, living with a friend, and the friend is a guy?


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## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

NotLikeYou said:


> MandPanda
> 
> Do I understand this correctly? You are separated from your husband, living with a friend, and the friend is a guy?


Yes but the guy I grew up with and his parents are like my own. My husband has no problem with him and knows the nature of our relationship, he is not threatened nor cares..
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## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

Also to update. I went on facebook last night and I saw he wrote a comment on some girls picture about "perfect body" I went off last night on him which I've avoiding doing but it was set me off! but than he must have thought about it and asked for me to come home which he hasn't done in soo long. I did and we had amazing sex but I'm still not sure where his thoughts are and how I should approach this..
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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Okay, MandaPanda, advice you want and advice you shall get.

1) Decide whether or not you really, REALLY want to be married to this man or not. If you do not want to be married to him, tell him so, and borrow some money from your friend or his parents to hire a lawyer and file for divorce.

If you DO want to be married to him, you have a real heavy load of work to do. You are pregnant, so you are riding the hormone choo-choo, which means lots of mood swings. And from your post above, you don't come across as very emotionally stable to begin with. Staying married and creating a happy marriage will be much easier if you commit yourself to being more stable and under control. As you are pregnant, I can't in good conscience recommend a visit to the Doctor for mood adjustment drugs, but you should see about getting counseling ASAP. Try to talk to the folks on base if you have to. Your husband is preparing to go in harm's way, and he needs things under control on the home front. So you might, with his knowledge and approval, talk to his CO's wife. You also don't sound like you know much about the trials and tribulations of being a military spouse. The CO's wife should be able to give you some help.

You should also have a frank and honest discussion with your husband about moving back in with him. I don't care how non-threatening your roommate is, YOU ARE MARRIED AND LIVING WITH ANOTHER MAN. This is such a fundamental problem, and you seem to brush it off, that I have severe doubts that your marriage can be saved.

If, somehow, you can get back under the same roof as your husband, DON'T CHAT WITH OTHER GUYS ONLINE. Don't make Facebook friends with other guys. Don't go on Girls Nights Out and go bar hopping and dancing. If you can set this boundary for yourself, guess what? You can insist that your husband abide by the same boundary. Hopefully, that will prevent him from cheating on you again.

If you have to have an argument with him, count to 10 before you start talking sh*t- once you've said something hurtful, it can never be un-said. It can be forgiven, and excused, but never truly forgotten. Best not to say it in the first place.

If you want to stay with him, but for whatever reason cannot get back under the same roof, do not perform booty calls for him, as you did last night. If you are going to be his wife and give him children and sex, you should at least be able to live with him. If you do get back under the same roof, try to give him so much sex before his deployment that he doesn't have time to send chat messages to other women on Facebook. When he is deployed, you want him thinking about sex with YOU!

And that's just getting started on your first decision!!!!!!!!!



2) Decide whether or not you want to keep the baby. I hope you decide to do so, but it is your decision. The important thing here (besides the choice itself) is to STICK WITH YOUR CHOICE. If you decide to terminate the pregnancy, go do it. If you decide to give birth, do that instead. EITHER WAY, DO NOT THREATEN YOUR HUSBAND WITH ABORTING YOUR BABY, NO MATTER HOW MAD HE MAKES YOU. That is despicable behavior, and guys don't like it when their wives behave despicably. So don't do that.

3) Stay away from alcohol, and stay even farther away from illegal drugs.

4) I said this already, but see if you can get counseling through base services for anger management, depression, and whatever other issues you identify as causing problems in your marriage.


Now go forth and do better for yourself, your husband, and your baby.


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## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

Thanks, NotLikYou. I apologize for my writing I'm doing this on my cell. First I do want to keep my marriage. Also I'm 5 months pregnant so I have to keep the baby,which I've already decided is my decision and I never want to take resentment out on my child as my mother did to me.. I am emotionally unstable but especially more so being pregnant that's why I'm having difficulties in my decisions. Also last night I wanted sex too but I have all my things here and its my place to he never asks me to leave, he just says if I argue he's going on base.. With that said I will try that advice. I am not familar with miltary protocol and being a spouse but learning quick- I was actually hesitant to contact any of his superior officers including wives and the FRO because I'd never want to jepordize his career. But I have contacted his bestfriends that are long term Marines, they are helpful but it sounds like my husband hasn't opened up to anyone even his bestfriend.. That's where I'm afraid because I don't want to have lost him already.. I will definitely try out what you have said I think my leaving has shown unstability and I will do my best to get help, I was seeing a psycologist for 8 weeks before things weren't changing and I left.. Thanks for your thoughts and suggestions!
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## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

PS I don't drink or do drugs. And I consider any antidepressants,psycho tropics, and prescribed drugs,drugs. I don't believe in them I believe in nutrition and definitely therapy which I'm planning to go ahead with. I just lose my mind in this house all day also why its urgent I find temp work..
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## TSG2010 (Oct 22, 2011)

1. There is a big age difference. He is in his mid 30s, you're in your early 20s. You'll be in your mid 60s when he is 80. Having someone older is not a bad thing but it does cause problems. In almost every aspect, someone that much older than you is at a different point in their life and have different needs.

2. If he has cheated once, he'll do it again if the situation suits him. 

3. The threat of "police will jeopardize my career" is nothing but a control angle to keep you from reporting something. If he does something that warrants the police being called, that's on him, not you. He's grown and must be held accountable for his own actions and decisions.

4. Making threats of divorce, cheating, abortions, etc. is not a marriage based off love and commitment, plain and simple. Decisions in a marriage should be made after consultation with each other, not through coercion, hatred, threats or guilt trips.

In short, dump his ass and move on with your life.


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## MandaPanda (Oct 27, 2011)

Hi TSG

Age difference, YES! but I have only dated older men, its been positive actually they tend to know what they want. I was the immature one and NOW after everything my husband has really enlighten me. I do want a marriage so IF things don't work out with him I know now how to act right. I didn't realize that in a relationship your on a team. My mother has hammered into my head for years that men are pure evil and they will all [email protected]#$k you over, she told me this mantra since I was 5.. She is one messed up lady still unmarried and unhappy.

As for cheating again I don't think that's fair to say he will again. I was a huge cheater before my husband and after I saw what just flirting did to our relationship I never wanted to do it again. If he does cheat again its when he doesn't care about me or the relationship. Still I can't sit around being afraid of whether or not that will happen. He knows what will happen if he does.. And as my friends mother said he wanted to get caught, it was obvious and if he didn't that's when you should worry!

As for the cops, well he said something mean for the first time, he never says mean things, that's what I do... And I flipped and screamed my butt off. I shouldn't have done that its not like he hit me he's never ever been physically abusive towards me. I think I've almost been which I'm embarrassed to admit..

Sometimes I'd like to dump his ass and move on BUT I will tell you what my best friends parents have been helping me and their advice thus far, I spoke to the mom yesterday. Note they have over 20 yrs experience in marriage/relationship therapy and have been married 30 years...
She told me not to make any drastic changes, yet. She keeps reminding me to stay in "present time". I tend to get scared and want to act on a bit of an impulse. Also to wait a while because I don't not have to divorce him but she believes I should wait and see. Also that his posting on that girls picture was most likely an effort to get me jealous, once again immature but something to bring up later. Right now I'm focused on finding that job and getting myself stable before my child arrives. My husband is going to Afghanistan and I don't want to stress him out, I know I'm pregnant BUT his life will be in danger, more so If he is upset. I'm praying Afghanistan gives him the time to think about everything.

And all the threats are terrible of me, just my immaturity but I'll own up to all my faults. Right now he won't and that's why this is becoming so difficult. That and he won't really communicate with me...


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