# Man can't reach climax



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Hello!
I’ve been seeing this guy who told me that he struggles to reach orgasm. He says he can never with oral sex, sometimes with a handjob, and only sometimes with vaginal sex. It’s definitely frustrating on my end. Any men have this problem that can talk to me about it?

Btw he is in his 30s and says he has always been like this. He is a little over weight but otherwise healthy. He does masterbate but says he needs porn.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is he?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

He’s 33. Sorry the title is suppose to say CANT.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Can he bring you to climax and does it bother him that he can’t finish himself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> He’s 33. Sorry the title is suppose to say CANT.


I fixed the thread title. :nerd:

So it's not an age related thing.

Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

Do you know if he uses a lot of porn to get off on? Some men have used porn for sexual gratification to the point that it's the only way they can really climax. Sex with a live woman just does not do it for them anymore. There are ways to fix this. A good sex therapist has things that they will tell the guy to do, like no porn or anything sexual for 2 to 6 months. It breaks their 'addition' to porn.

If there is not a porn issue, he needs to see a doctor to first rule out any physical health issues that could be causing the problem. If there are not physical problems, then he needs to see a sex therapist who is also a psychiatrist to find out why he is having this problem. A lot of this type of problem is causes my mental health issues.

This is his problem and he needs to address it. If he will not, he's not relationship material.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> I fixed the thread title. :nerd:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I don’t know what qualities as a porn issue but he says that it’s half mental half physical. He says he needs porn to masterbate. And the first few times he has sex with a women he is so in his head that he can’t orgasm but after a couple times he can relax and orgasm. I don’t know if this is true we haven’t had sex. 

He has no problem getting and maintaining an erection. And he is a doctor and he would never go to the doctor to get this problem fixed. My guess is that he masterbated too much and with such a strong grib as a child that it causes this problem.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Can he bring you to climax and does it bother him that he can’t finish himself?




Yes he can bring me to climax. I didn’t ask him about if it bothers him but I can tell he is use to it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@EleGirl gave such wise suggestions. Really SAD that he won't seek help because he is a physician! Seeking help should NOT be embarrassing. Not seeking help for something this important would be embarrassing. Bet if he had cancer he would seek the best help available. So maybe seeking help out-of-town--large, well-known, impersonal clinic--where he is unknown, would be more comfortable.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> @EleGirl gave such wise suggestions. Really SAD that he won't seek help because he is a physician! Seeking help should NOT be embarrassing. Not seeking help for something this important would be embarrassing. Bet if he had cancer he would seek the best help available. So maybe seeking help out-of-town--large, well-known, impersonal clinic--where he is unknown, would be more comfortable.




I also think that maybe he did seek help and doesn’t want to tell me. The more research I’ve done about his problem the more I learned that there is not much one can do about it. 

The reason why I posted on here is because I thought maybe someone on here has similar issues that can give me inside perspective.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This could be a wide range of causes. I think he should see a sex therapist and his doctor. It could be in his head, I know when I have a ton going on with work etc my mind sometimes can go off on tangents that prevent me from focusing on the moment which leads to me having a hard time finishing. It could also be related to porn and masturbation, if he is doing that daily he could be less sensitive which along with condoms can make it very hard to get there. 

So this could be too many things for him to figure out on his own. I assume he has no problems with ED.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> This could be a wide range of causes. I think he should see a sex therapist and his doctor. It could be in his head, I know when I have a ton going on with work etc my mind sometimes can go off on tangents that prevent me from focusing on the moment which leads to me having a hard time finishing. It could also be related to porn and masturbation, if he is doing that daily he could be less sensitive which along with condoms can make it very hard to get there.
> 
> 
> 
> So this could be too many things for him to figure out on his own. I assume he has no problems with ED.




No problem with ED.
I’ve mentioned his porn use but it’s a sensitive issue because we just started hanging out and it comes off kind of crazy/controlling for someone new to tell him to back off the porn. Basically he made a bunch of excuses for his porn use. I think he masterbates once a day.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The data incoming is kind of all over the place, at least to me. Cannot you consistently manually bring him to an O?

When troubleshooting it can be best to try and eliminate one thing at a time. Perhaps that will help narrow subsequent related issues if more than one thing.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> No problem with ED.
> I’ve mentioned his porn use but it’s a sensitive issue because we just started hanging out and it comes off kind of crazy/controlling for someone new to tell him to back off the porn. Basically he made a bunch of excuses for his porn use.* I think he masterbates once a day*.


There you have it. His brain has now been taught to masturbate with porn as the stimulation and I am sure he has "death grip syndrome". If he is unwilling to discuss or change this, you are in for a lot of disappointment. Good luck to you Sis


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> And he is a doctor and he would never go to the doctor to get this problem fixed.


Doctors are their own worst patient.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> No problem with ED.
> I’ve mentioned his porn use but it’s a sensitive issue because we just started hanging out and it comes off kind of crazy/controlling for someone new to tell him to back off the porn. Basically he made a bunch of excuses for his porn use. I think he masterbates once a day.


Yah if it's early on in the relationship it's probably too early for you to start getting into that stuff. If there's no ED problems I would say just work on it with him however you can, and be happy you're not posting about him having problems with PE or ED, at least he can last long enough to make you happy. 

Depending on his health and drive he could have a very long refractory period so if he's masturbating daily by the time he gets to you he might not be fully recovered and recharged. You could try enticing him by planning a sexy night with him and agreeing to both be orgasm free for a number of days before so the buildup and anticipation is maxed out. My wife and I do this every now and then. If we know the kids are going to be out of the house on the weekend sometimes we'll abstain from anything all week so when we are alone in the house we are ready to explode over and over and over. It's just a thing we use to mix it up but for him it could be a way for him to realize he might be jerking it too much to really enjoy real sex, if thats the case.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The data incoming is kind of all over the place, at least to me. Cannot you consistently manually bring him to an O?
> 
> When troubleshooting it can be best to try and eliminate one thing at a time. Perhaps that will help narrow subsequent related issues if more than one thing.




I just started seeing him. Before we even fooled around he told me about this problem. He basically told me that I would not be able to make him orgasm unless we have been having PIV sex for a while. I gave him oral once without completion. He even tried to masterbate but couldn’t orgasm.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I just started seeing him. Before we even fooled around he told me about this problem. He basically told me that I would not be able to make him orgasm unless we have been having PIV sex for a while. I gave him oral once without completion. He even tried to masterbate but couldn’t orgasm.


I’m not being facetious here but why are you so upset?
He doesn’t seem bothered,he told you allready that this was going to occur so why are you upset?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

And there is also a potential simple explanation. He could be using the approach of emptying the chamber so to speak before he gets together with you, a la Ben Stiller in Something About Mary. Have you ever noticed globs of hair gel on him?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I just started seeing him. Before we even fooled around he told me about this problem. He basically told me that I would not be able to make him orgasm unless we have been having PIV sex for a while. I gave him oral once without completion. He even tried to masterbate but couldn’t orgasm.


You can take some of the pressure off of him by telling him that you don't care if he orgasms as long as the sex last long enough that you do  His orgasm is not your responsibility. Much too often, us men forget that the ride can be as good or better than the destination. The ride is the meal, orgasm the dessert. Unfortunately, many men think sex is a failure if orgasm isn't achieved discounting the intimacy and bonding that takes place beforehand.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Whatever the thing is....it is HIS thing. it is not on you to fix him or play dress-up to make him finish blah blah. Not that I have anything against being frisky and seductive and all that - I enjoy it. But it isn't YOUR job to become something so he can fix this.

If he doesn't seem to care (and he doesn't) and you feel frustration then you two may just not be compatible. maybe he needs a woman who doesn't need actual sex. She can cook and he can wank.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I’m not being facetious here but why are you so upset?
> 
> He doesn’t seem bothered,he told you allready that this was going to occur so why are you upset?




I’m not so upset. It’s a little frustrating that’s all. I wanted a mans perspective that has personal experience with this.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with this guy? He seems more interested in his hand then you.

He needs to cut out the porn.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> Whatever the thing is....it is HIS thing. it is not on you to fix him or play dress-up to make him finish blah blah. Not that I have anything against being frisky and seductive and all that - I enjoy it. But it isn't YOUR job to become something so he can fix this.
> 
> If he doesn't seem to care (and he doesn't) and you feel frustration then you two may just not be compatible. maybe he needs a woman who doesn't need actual sex. She can cook and he can wank.


But he is giving her plenty of sex,he just doesn’t ejaculate. 
She said she can orgasm with him so what’s the problem. He told her it takes him a while with a new partner before he climaxes. 
Maybe the op should read some posts from women complaining about their partners premature ejaculation problems or difficulties maintaining an erection.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It's kind of funny how defensive of this guy people are, especially when the OP wasn't ugly about him at all, just asking a simple question.

And they say women are sensitive.

I suspect that the daily porn is a factor, but I am sure that will be shouted down lol. And yes, you are too early into the relationship to broach that sensitive and highly volatile topic.

Maybe once he gets comfortable he'll be able to finish things. But if it really doesn't bother him, then hey, enjoy! At least he won't finish in 5 minutes and then start snoring before you have a chance.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with this guy? He seems more interested in his hand then you.
> 
> He needs to cut out the porn.




I am not sure I want a relationship with him haha. We are just starting to talk and get to know each other so we will see...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I am not sure I want a relationship with him haha. We are just starting to talk and get to know each other so we will see...


Again I’m not being facetious but let me get this straight.
You have only recently started dating this guy.
You are enjoying the sex with him,he is obviously not a selfish lover.
You orgasm without difficulty and he has no erectile issues.
He obviously finds you attractive and you him.
You knew at the start that he doesn’t ejaculate until he’s comfortable in a relationship.
So what the **** are you complaining about.
I’ve said this before,god gave women orgasms so that they could be happy and still moan.🤐


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You know, not many of them will admit it, but I would posit that some women feel as inadequate when they cannot get their partner "there" as men do. I know if my hubby never "got there" when we were together I would start wondering what was wrong with me. It isn't logical, but there you go.

This might not apply to the OP though. Or maybe she feels selfish if she is "getting hers" and it seems he isn't?


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

Assure him that him orgasming isn't detrimental to you guys having great sex. He's basically told you the cause for his issue so you know it's not anything to do with how he feels or sees YOU. If you find it's something that that you can't handle later, address it then.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> I’m not so upset. It’s a little frustrating that’s all. *I wanted a mans perspective that has personal experience with this*.


PM me.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Again I’m not being facetious but let me get this straight.
> 
> You have only recently started dating this guy.
> 
> ...




Let me clarify.... we aren’t dating. We just started talking and hanging out. I have not had sexual Intercourse with him. He has made me orgasm won his mouth and hands. But yes, he is very generous.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> You know, not many of them will admit it, but I would posit that some women feel as inadequate when they cannot get their partner "there" as men do. I know if my hubby never "got there" when we were together I would start wondering what was wrong with me. It isn't logical, but there you go.
> 
> 
> 
> This might not apply to the OP though. Or maybe she feels selfish if she is "getting hers" and it seems he isn't?




Yes! Everyone wants to please their person.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sexual compatibility is important. I think it would suck being with someone who couldn't orgasm with me.

Through honest open communication a couple should be able to get both partners needs met.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> And the first few times he has sex with a women he is so in his head that he can’t orgasm but after a couple times he can relax and orgasm. *I don’t know if this is true we haven’t had sex*.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> half mental half physical. he is so in his head that he can’t orgasm but after a couple times he can relax and orgasm. .


You already have the answer ..... he can't relax the first few times.

Self fulfilled prophecy: For some reason or another I can't explain I became my own worst enemy during sexual encounters with my wife. Thank God it only lasted a couple
weeks!!! My brain decided it wanted to say.... "don't lose your erection.....don't lose your erection!" and now you can guess exactly what happened. The thing you fear the most 
has a way of becoming reality by your own doing. This is also the case with....."Am I going to orgasm?" The mind game has all the control. As soon as I relaxed and put my
BS fears to rest..everything was back to normal. In his mind he believes he has a problem so guess what....he does. In my case I have a long loving relationship with my wife
so all those fears were easy to put aside and get my mojo back. In his case there are a lot more things going on when getting into a fresh relationship..."oh crap what will she think,
I bet her other lovers were not like this, yada yada yada....."

The solution: Put all his fears aside with your words, actions, and intent. Don't address it as a "problem"....but perhaps as something fun to "work out". He's likely just very nervous.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I know that everyone is different but for me... I’m very black and white and passionate and emotional and I’m the type of person who doesn’t enjoy sex unless I climax. I actually think it’s mean and torture to get worked up and not finish. I’d rather not get worked up to begin with if that makes sense. 
It’s hard to explain but this guy... it seems like he treats fooling around so casual. Like he enjoyed touching me and watching me moan and groan and reach orgasm and he did have an erection but it didn’t drive me crazy not to orgasm and that is very unusual for me. 
As of right now he seems to love to please which I love but he doesn’t seem to like love “sex” like I do.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Any men have this problem that can talk to me about it?


This may or may not help....

Autism research has shed a light that there is a much higher percentage of people in the population that have sensory issues. An example might be someone that can not tolerate their cloths getting slightly wet such as running in the rain to get in a parked car. Meanwhile others can walk through the rain as if it does not bother them.

Some research indicates that these sensory issues are often highly pronounced in the erogenous areas, but it goes both ways of either being too sensitive or having very little sensitivity. Awkwardly being too sensitive can be experienced as little or no sensitivity because the erogenous areas can be quickly numbed via normal stimulation. 

If you suspect this is the case, get a feather and a hitachi wand for some experimentation to see if one or the other generates a desirable response for him. A feather would be too little for the average guy and a hitachi set on high could easily overwhelm pretty much everyone on the planet. So if he likes a feather you need to understand that less is more, but if the hitachi barely creates a response you are going to have to get rough and think of things that are likely to be overstimulating but not harmful. Porn is generally seen as overstimulating even though it is visual/mental, but that it important to note that not all stimulation is physical. You can supplement traditional lovemaking by simply playing a little rough with his mind! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## LeananSidhe (Feb 6, 2018)

My husband had the exact same issue when he was younger. When he first started having sex with his first GF he couldn’t finish. When we first got together he told me that he couldn’t orgasm. I was 17 so I didn’t really care much. The second time we had sex he orgasmed and was very surprised. After that it was sporadic. Sometimes he could, sometimes he couldn’t. Then he could only finish from intercourse (not oral or my hand) and only in a certain position. After a year of steady sex he started being able to finish in different positions.

Fast forward 15 years... He can finish in all positions and from oral and hand jobs easily. Maybe twice a year he’ll be tired or stressed out about something and not be able to orgasm from intercourse. It used to really bother me when it happened (my first post here was about this issue) but now I try to shrug it off. We have sex normally around 5-7 times a week so I really have no reason to be upset.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its not that uncommon. There can be physical causes, but there can also be mental causes - in particular if someone becomes stressed about not finishing, that stress can make it even harder. 

If he isn't worried, then you shouldn't be worried - in fact worry or concern will just make it worse - just enjoy what you are doing at the time. 

Playing to his fantasies might help - or not. 

Your expressing confidence can help. If its psychological, then its important that it not bother you - because that will cause him ore stress. 

If he is stressed about it, reverse psychology might even work - if its a game you both enjoy - tie him up and have him try *not* to have an O, while you do things to him. (with some (fun) punishment if he fails to resist)


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

I have read a lot of posts from women saying at first the guy not orgasm, she was OK but years down the road it was making her feel inadequate and she wished she had found someone else. Some men say the same thing if the woman doesn't have at least a few orgasms every now or then.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

I was “once” with a guy that could not orgasm. He could go forever and nothing. I found that it was an important part of a relationship for me. I have since moved on with someone I am more compatible with sexually. You have to decide.....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is his problem:






This is the solution:










Simple.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

If he's on Paxil or some other anti-depressants, you've likely found the problem. Some other drugs cause the same problem. Again, if he's on paxil, bingo. Its sometimes prescribed to men with the opposite problem.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Does he do drugs?

Only men I know that couldn't finish did drugs.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Beach123 said:


> Does he do drugs?
> 
> 
> 
> Only men I know that couldn't finish did drugs.




No drugs


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> If he's on Paxil or some other anti-depressants, you've likely found the problem. Some other drugs cause the same problem. Again, if he's on paxil, bingo. Its sometimes prescribed to men with the opposite problem.


I was on citalopram for a year and was unable to have an orgasm under any circumstance for that year. I didn't miss it but if others feel differently it might present a problem.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> No drugs


No anti depressants? That would also do that. Some of them anyway.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I've posted about this many times before. Have had it all of my life. 

Early 40's I developed prostate issues, and then had my delayed ejaculation compounded by ED.

No drugs. No anti-depressants. No porn addiction.

Best suggestion I can make to you, is that you simply can't take it personally. And I know from experience, that is easier said than done. It bothers women, despite their best efforts and I can understand why. 

Happy to answer any questions.


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