# Husband wants Out after 24 years



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

On the 30th of dec my husband of 24 years told me he was done. I was crushed, I had noticed he was extremely cold to me for the last 3 or 4 weeks. When I had asked him what was wrong he said that I was mean and he had built a wall up . We just moved into our own home, 12 weeks ago. He started acting odd when we moved in here. 

We did go to a marriage counselor on the 10th of Jan , it didn't help he just sat there and picked me part. Told the counselor everything I have done wrong in our marriage from 12 years ago. 

So he made it really clear that we were not getting back together and that he is not willing to even try. I on the other hand is not giving up. 

He does things that I don't understand, he still talks about us doing things in the summer. He still says things like,in the summer we won't be able to open this window. I asked him last night when he thinks he will be able to help me get a place , cause I'm starting to get really angry. I still love after him the house and the kids. I still call him love and hun and babe. He is still wearing his wedding ring. So when I asked him about me moving out he said he didn't know . 

I'm so confused, I have done some really hurtful things . 12 years ago we took a break from each other and I happen to get drunk one night and had a one night stand. Then he came to me a few months later asking me if I missed him. I told him yes I did but I don't think we could ever be together cause I was pregnant. He said he didn't care he would raise the baby as his own. 

Then in 2005 I left him again , he was so wrapped up in a video game that he didn't realize the things that were going on around him. So I left him but this time I left my children also. I ended up being with someone online. It was a rollar coaster ride, as I went back and forth until I finally realized I wanted to be with my kids and my husband. 

We have been back together for just about 5 years now, and now everything is bugging him. When the counselor asked him why things are buggin him now he said cause he is getting older and wants to enjoy life. He doesn't think that he can be happy with me. We have been talking and laughing more in the last 2 weeks then we have in 6 months. 

I don't want my marriage to end, I love my husband like crazy. 
Here is a letter that I wrote him , I have not give it to him yet though. 

Dear Terrence,

I'm writing this letter because I want to apologize for all of the wrong and hurt I have caused you and our
children, and also because I would like to be able to explain some things to you. I would have loved to do
this face to face, but somehow I always end up forgetting something or get side tracked, When we went to the Marriage
counselor, The things that you said were hard to hear but needed to be heard, and not only did I hear them but I
listened, and a lot of things became clearer for me. I need to take responsibility for my actions and the
consequences that came with them. I'm sorry for leaving you, and I am sorry for leaving our children, none of you
deserved that. It was a selfish decision and I was thinking only of myself at the time. I have thought a lot about
it and you were right, I should have came to you first and told you that I was missing something in our marriage, I
should have gave us an opportunity to work on it and fix the problems. i do not want to play the blame game, it
seldoms get people anywhere, and I do not see it being good for us. It is difficult to find the words to express how
sorry I am that I did those things to you, It breaks my heart to know that I did that to you and our children, I
know that there is no way to take away your pain, and there is a chance that you will never be able to forgive me
for my actions, but it is a chance I am willing to take, I am just hoping that you will give me the opportunity to
try to make it up to all of you. I know that the bad memories will never go away, but I would love to attempt to
replace some of those bad memories with good ones, to change atleast that part of our marriage and make the good
outweigh the bad for once. 

I know that you do not trust me, you do not believe my promises, or my word, and I understand, You have a right
to feel that way. Over the past few days when you told me, and the counselor the things that I have done, or the
way that I have acted, I have been shocked. I knew that I was controlling to a point, but I did not realize how
bad it was. I know that when I get mad, I say hurtful things, without thinking of what my words will do to someone
else, but that is not who I want to be. I do not want to be mean or controlling. I want our children to remember
me as someone who is caring, someone who liked to laugh. I know you do not believe my change will last, and you
have a right to feel that way as well, but all I can do is prove to you that it will. I am changing, just look
at our current situation We are living in the same house, but I am unable to touch you or tell you how much I
love you and that kills me everyday, the old me would have been like **** this **** I would have been mean and
brutal towards you, but I have not been that way. I have realized that being negative is bad for the soul, and
rarely has a positive outcome, my soul is already jaded because of the things I have done. Overall I want to be
a better person, not only for you and our children, but for myself.

I am pleading with you to let me show you that I can change, that I can be a good person, to prove that I can be
a good wife. I love taking care of our home, our children, and you. I do not do it because have to, I do it
because I want to, because I think you deserve to come home to a clean house and a nice meal, because you provide
for us, You are a hard worker, and you work hard so we can have a good life. I admit that I was not always like
this, I am not sure what changed when we moved in here, but I genuinily love taking care of our home, our children
and you. I feel full when our home is clean and I have cooked for all of you. 

I know that you may not believe my promise, but I can promise you that I am changing and I will stay this way, I
can promise you that if you give me an opportunity you will not regret or second guess your decision. Like I said
before I am not only changing for you, I am doing it for myself as well. The old Lisa is gone, this is the new
Lisa. There will be no more games, no more lies, no more betrayal, I know that getting you to trust me again is
going to take work, but I am willing to work very hard, I want us to be happy, I want us to be able to do things
together and have fun, to make memories and do things as a couple, I want there to be an us! I also want to let
you know that I realize that you will also need alone time and that it is okay with me, as I will need mine too. 

So in closing I am asking you to please think about giving US a chance, I know you will not be dissapointed, and
that you will love your new wife 

What do you think ?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jaded Heart said:


> i do not want to play the blame game, it
> seldoms get people anywhere, and I do not see it being good for us.


Keep in mind, this is just my opinion, but with this sentence it also sounds like instead of accepting your responsibility you are trying to remind him that he also played a part. Just accept responsibility for your actions and leave it at that.

On a side note, I wouldn't promise anything. You can't promise that he won't regret it. That isn't possible. It isn't your to promise. Stick to things that you CAN do and show him through your actions. 

I do wish you well, and I hope that some others can come in and comment to help!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

12 years of anger, pain and hurt is very hard to wash away at this point. There is a chance that things can still work out but I would steel my heart because he's probably done with the marriage at this point.

Did the 2 of you work it out with counseling and such at that time or did he just take you back and brush everything under the rug and life went on?

Might want to find out if he's also found someone else, just ask him and tell him you want the truth no matter how much it might hurt.

All you can do at this point is fight for your marriage and hope he still has a small portion of love tucked away somewhere in his heart that hasn't been grounded to ashes by all the anger and pain.

My wife took me back and we brushed everything under the rug (big mistake) years later it came back and bit us in the behind. Luckily my wife has a big heart and still loved me (why I have no idea, cuz I would have probably kicked me to the curb if I was her) enough and we got help to get us through it.

The key to us getting back was her love and willingness to forgive and forget (well, maybe not forget entirely but enough to forgive). But it was close and we could have been another one of those statistics. Heck we could still be one of those statistics because nothing is ever set in stone, but I hope I'll be able to ride out this journey with her till the end.

Good luck to you both but IMO, brace yourself for the worse and hope for the best.


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