# Gentle guidance please.



## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

I have a dilemma going on in my marriage. So here goes.

I have been wanting to leave marriage for quite sometime. Recently I stumbled upon a great deal for a housing arrangement that would allow me to leave my husband.

However, today I am signing contract and am wondering if I am making right decision. 

My husband also found out this week he will be losing his job. I don't know what to say, I just dont want to add to his pain and suffering by leaving him knowing he is losing his job. I just dont know what to do. I feel like this is the right time for me to leave though and I have already gotten everything set up and ready to go.

I dont want to be this terrible person that leaves someone holding the bag. I just dont know what else to do. We have had rocky relationship for awhile. We aren't intimate and dont really even speak friendly to each other anymore. I am afraid this is going to send him over the edge, he suffers from depression and has controlling behaviors. I'm worried. 

Please any advice to help in this situation or anyone have similar thing happen please anything will help! Thanks.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

need more info please, why are you leaving him? What steps have you taken to improve things prior to this decision?


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

We have both cheated on one another and I have much resentment for things.

I have tried somethings like being nicer, etc., but it never seems to work for long. We always go back to our hateful selves and make each other miserable. 

I thought maybe some time apart and some therapy on both our parts maybe something could work out.

I have went to therapy by myself and my therapist suggested leaving and separating was a good idea and that she thought he was controlling. 

I guess I am tired of being hurt and just want a fresh start that is why I am wanting to leave.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If you want to leave, tell him straight up and make a quick surgical cut. Tell him you are done, there will be no reconciliation and you want a divorce.

DO NOT drag this out or give him false hope. That is a horribly selfish thing to do to someone.

if you are done, say so, and follow through on it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well somethings are not in the cards so to speak

It sounds like you've poisoned each other throughout the marriage and probably didn't address the cheating the correct way either. (you can go to the coping with infidelity forums and see what I am talking about here)

I guess since you know what you want now and know what you wish to do, the real question is whether or not to "kick him while he's down"?

It's a hard spot, but know that him losing his job is out of your control. Truth be told, that there is no way to soften the blow of divorce/separation as it needs to be done with a certain amount of coldness in order to convey the seriousness of your resolve. I will argue that staying with him until he gets a job and providing that support may muddy his perception of your true intentions. Thus living this lie is similar to the cheating you both have done. Some things just need to be done, despite the external circumstances that you find yourself in.
I suppose the best thing you can do is inform his closest supportive friend or family member that can help him out after you leave so someone else can keep an eye on him.


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## rikithemonk (Jun 8, 2011)

chubz said:


> I have a dilemma going on in my marriage. So here goes.
> 
> I have been wanting to leave marriage for quite sometime. Recently I stumbled upon a great deal for a housing arrangement that would allow me to leave my husband.
> 
> ...


Loosing his job may be a ploy to guilt you into staying. If things have gotten to the point where you are moving out, then working on the marriage has failed and it is foolish to stay.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

I have left before and he makes it so hard that I feel like I have to make him think that we may have a chance because you never know really...he hits himself sometimes when I mention leaving and that scares me. 

I cant even talk to him in a nice way and it's hard for me to even listen to him and be with him for long periods of time. 

I know much of this is my fault but I thought by leaving maybe we both could heal and move on. 

I think maybe I have been selfish and he has said that to me. I just dont want to hurt anyone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chubz said:


> I have left before and he makes it so hard that I feel like I have to make him think that we may have a chance because you never know really...he hits himself sometimes when I mention leaving and that scares me.
> 
> I cant even talk to him in a nice way and it's hard for me to even listen to him and be with him for long periods of time.
> 
> ...



I hate to use this phrase but it applies-


sh!t or get off the pot


either put in 100% effort towards a healthy and productive R (if he's also willing to do as such) or do as JB says and make a surgical strike.

the back and forth is a limbo of hell and it's only prolonging the inevitable and torturing both of you in the process


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If you want to leave, tell him straight up and make a quick surgical cut. Tell him you are done, there will be no reconciliation and you want a divorce.
> 
> DO NOT drag this out or give him false hope. That is a horribly selfish thing to do to someone.
> 
> if you are done, say so, and follow through on it.


This is good advice. If you have to cut someone's head off best to do it with a sharp sword and a firm stroke. 

If nothing he says to you is going to change your decision then anything you say to him other than - it's over - is really just justification to make yourself feel better and just strings out the pain.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

Thank you so much that is good advice, Lord knows I dont want to cause him anymore hurt or pain. 

Thanks for the great advice, was real worried about the job situation, he has very low self esteem and I keep thinking I would hate for someone to do to me what I am doing to him, but it is best to just get it done and over with. Just hope I am making good decision.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Chubz--I understand you worrying about hurting him but here's the thing: divorce will hurt no matter what. Divorce is not pretty. It's nasty, dirty, and that is just the way it is. It's par for the course.

Don't let you fear of him hurting himself or wanting to soften the blow of telling him drag out what you consider a dead relationship. If your heart isn't in it, the worst possible and most selfish thing you could do is stay with him. You would be doing both of you a disservice if you were "faking it to make it." That is so wrong on so many levels.



chubz said:


> ...he hits himself sometimes when I mention leaving and that scares me.


If he starts to do this when you tell him, call the police and have them come put him in a 50/50 and explain he is harming himself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

chubz said:


> I have left before and he makes it so hard that I feel like I have to make him think that we may have a chance because you never know really...he hits himself sometimes when I mention leaving and that scares me.
> 
> I think maybe I have been selfish and he has said that to me. I just dont want to hurt anyone.


Here is the cold, hard reality of what IS: He is manipulating you. By feeding into your guilt, he keeps you attached. However, the attachment is downright unhealthy, non-productive, and doing neither of you any good. Staying stuck is just that - STUCK. He has his reasons for wanting you to stay, but when a guy starts hitting himself, HE is the one with problems, and you are not responsible for them. You do not have the power to control your husband's responses. He makes the choice to hit himself. 

Maybe you have been selfish. Again, his pointing this out is a way to play into your guilty feelings. So what? We all feel somewhat guilty over leaving a marriage. GUILT IS NO REASON TO STAY. He's going to be hurt. When a marriage dissolves there are always hurt feelings among one or both parties. It's just life, and nobody ever told me life was easy.

You want to leave. Follow your gut instincts and your heart. I wouldn't stick around one second more allowing someone to guilt-trip me into staying. He owns that issue. Let him choose to deal with it - or not.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

Your right life isnt easy, this advice has really helped me have a different perspective and clear up some thoughts for me and I really appreciate that!

He knows I am a nice, kind person and he does use that to his advantage to get what he wants. I hope it gets easier soon enough! 

In a relationship that is so confusing it's nice to have some clarity....the water is less murky. 

Thanks so much.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you still seeing the guy you cheated with? If you don't mind, can you share? I ask because I was in a similar situation where we both cheated.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

No jellybeans I am not, that was several years ago. What happened in your situation? If you wanna share.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

We both cheated and got a divorce.


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## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

I think it's best you leave and do it quickly and firmly. Be absolutely ready to go. Considering his self-injurious behaviors (which are clearly manipulative and he needs to seek help to heal and grow, himself), you may want to move out while he's gone rather than put yourself in risky situation. I'm not a fan of advocating for the Dear John letter, but when violence is a possibility, it may be the safest, wisest choice of action. If you decide to handle this in person, have the phone in hand ready to go. I'm not trying to scare you, but I was a police officer back in the day and went on many domestic violence calls. You never know what someone may do under severe emotional stress.

In the long run you may be doing him good by leaving since it appears more likely that he won't seek professional help while in the marriage. Treat him with respect, but stay firm. Remember, you're not responsible for his actions/responses, you can only be responsible for your own.

Best wishes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> We both cheated and got a divorce.



nice cliff notes


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way controlling or abusive people can be helped is to stop enabling them and to stop being their victim. After you leave, he may end up getting mental help.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

I want him to have good life too so I keep thinking that too, maybe if I leave he will understand and seek help. I have tried to tell him that how he acts is not a comforting loving way to be but he never seemed to get it. Just nod and keep going really.

When we would argue he used to block doors and tell me I wasnt going anywhere also that he would take my car so I couldnt go anywhere. He has also took my keys and shoved me and screamed in my face in arguments....that is not healthy I dont think. Just bad situation all in all.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When I broke up with my abusive fiance, he left the apartment for a few minutes but came right back; he had gone down to my car to disable it so I couldn't leave. I ended up walking a couple miles in the dark to get to a phone to call for help.

You can't help him, chubz. Either he'll get help himself when you're gone, or he'll end up getting placed in treatment. Either way, he'll be better off.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

If you are not 100% certain that you want out and see a ray of hope in the marriage, I would recommend looking in to Marriage Fitness by Mort Fertel. I believe it helped us reconcile and are on the right path to a healthy marriage.


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

Thanks for all the great feedback! 

Left the home and moved in to my little place. He has not taken it so well. Really acting strange. Texting, calling all the time....crying, screaming, quiet, all over the place.

I do not plan to go back...I wonder if i will be safe sometimes, he does not know where I am. I get the feeling these are just all things he is using to get me to come back, there is no genuiine emotion it seems like to me. 

Now I guess to find something to keep my mind off all this....

Thanks so much!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have the perfect thing to get your mind off of it.

Get this book from your library and read it, so you know what you have been dealing with and what to do moving forward; it is the bible of abuse: 

Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds Of Angry And Controlling Men, by Bancroft


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## chubz (Sep 30, 2011)

Turnera....so you had controlling bf, husband?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. My father was a yeller. My brother was a controller tried to replace him after Dad left. Was engaged to such a guy, who cheated on me the whole 3 years. Then married a guy who tried to control what I did by guilting me, and it took me 30 years to figure out how to get that to stop.

But the reason I know about the book, and how good it is, is that my DD21 dated such a guy, and then decided to do a school project on it, so we both read all the books.


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## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

Chubz - Best of luck to you, hang in there!

Tunerar - are you still married?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes, 32 years next April.


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## qigong (Sep 2, 2011)

turnera said:


> Yes, 32 years next April.


Congratulations.


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