# This is not living



## ArmyOfOne

A lot has happened since the last time I was on here 2 years ago. My wife was abusing an alcoholic and I didn’t even know she drank alcohol. Still smile at how stupid I was. 
Any ways, fast forward 2 years and some months. And I need more advice. Even though it will be a long post I will try to keep it short and organized. 


*The girl I thought I married*
The girl I married was amazing, kind, loving, sexy, forgiving…all that a man could ask for. I have often said that the first 5 years of marriage were probably the best years of my life. But like I said I was stupid and naïve. I am now realizing that she did everything I wanted her to do, said everything I wanted to hear, and even made her hobbies and interests akin to mine. Red flag, I know, should have seen it for what it was. But like I said I was immature. So before marriage there were some things (some conditions were hers and some were mine. Lo and behold most of them ended up being the one and the same) which were agreed upon.

- I am conservative and she ‘claimed’ to be as well – dressing modestly
- Neither of us wanted kids
- Wanted to take care of some financial obligations before we got married. She didn’t want to wait and assured me that she will be right there with me and will help in whatever way she can. And didn’t require money and flashy things to be happy.
- And most importantly, just like me she had never had a drink and never experimented with any drugs. I am not the moral police here so don’t really care if someone has or hasn’t. 


*The girl who I actually married*
Well like I said the first five years were awesome (I thought so at the time). Looking back now I realize she was trying to be someone who I would have wanted to marry and not herself. Well that can only last so long. And also, coz I was seriously co-dependent and didn’t even know it. So before long the conditions went out the window; she wanted kids, didn’t dress like she dressed the first two years, wanted a big house and abused alcohol for two years after giving birth to our second daughter along with benzos and opiates. And in the process I found out a lot of things about her which I didn’t know. All the while I was a controlling co-defendant who thought I could fix everything by yelling and screaming and taking control of the situation by manipulating her every which way. 


Fast forward to today, it’s been 2 years since I have joined Al- Anon and worked a program with a sponsor. She has only gone to couple of AA meetings and counseling sessions (even though that was part of the deal for me to give her second chance). You know how that goes…I don’t have reason to suspect she is drinking or abusing drugs. But her behavior is getting worse day by day. One day she loves me more than life then the next day she hates me more than anything. It always takes two to tango, so to add to the mix I also have in attentive ADHD, which makes matters a lot more ‘complicated’ if you will. 


*Issues*
So now even though I have tried to work things out, I feel like she is a dry alcoholic. Has the same mindset and gets upset at petty things and stops talking for days (longest being 8 days). We finally ended up in therapy where she admitted to all this (we have had multiple before where she wasn’t truthful) and we are going to have our second session in two days. 


Her main issue now is that I DIDN't support her mentally and physically when she was pregnant and that is why she turned to alcohol. And she has shut down since then. She constantly finds faults in things I do. Small things and they become so huge that we don’t talk for days. I keep telling her I want to work on this marriage but she has to own up to her stuff and work on herself. But according to her all the issues are mine. And she has been putting up with it for a long time and is not going to anymore and has emotionally shut down. I am hurt, and cry a lot over what has become of my life. 

I feel like I compromised on every level. There are other more suitable partners out there if she wanted to live a different life style. She even had an abortion without my consent. I realize that I have no say in the matter. But as a family unit I would think my opinion would matter in a decision like this. 


Any ways, we are in one of our ‘cold war’ modes again. And I am just hurting really bad, I married because I wanted companionship and a friend as a life partner. Feel more like I am living with a stranger. I still have so much love for her that it hurts. But I can’t keep living like this, this is not living.


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## ArmyOfOne

...what is eating me is that yesterday I looked up a program which tells you how to kick start your relationship in 30 days and it tells you to an activity which you do for your spouse/significant other. And on my first day today I wrote a poem on sticky notes (one word per sticky note) and posted them on the mirror in our bathroom. They all have numbers on them and the idea is to arrange them sequentially and read the poem. She messages mid day and says, what was that thing on the mirror. Was it for me? Was it code for something coz I didn't get it? And when I told her what it was, she goes, 'okay'.


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## lifeistooshort

Let me ask you this: were you supportive during her pregnancies? I'd like to get that one straight because that can cause a ton of resentment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyOfOne

...at the time I didn't see it. But no I wasn't, I could have and should have been more supportive. I didn't know what postpartum depression was and I didn't realize how bad it had gotten till the abuse started. There are no excuses, I have owned straight up to it. I apologized and I have been committed to my program for the past 3 years. 

I was at the lawyer's office filing for a divorce when all this was going on and she convinced me to give her another chance. I said I would work on myself and she agreed to work on her side of the street. Like I said I am not making any excuses, but at the time I started a new job, had a baby, and moved into a new house. It was just too much too soon. I was coming home late from work in the evenings. And she was stuck home all day with the baby. But things got a lot better, they were really really good. We had gotten closer and stronger. Till about 6 months ago, when all of a sudden she started withdrawing.


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## ArmyOfOne

lifeistooshort said:


> Let me ask you this: were you supportive during her pregnancies? I'd like to get that one straight because that can cause a ton of resentment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



...although you are right. She said it to the counselor in our first session that she still holds resentment from that time.


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## Ms. GP

She sounds like a dry alcoholic to me. Full of resentment and self pity. I would know. I've been in recovery from alcohol and drugs for over two years now. I see them all the time in and out of AA meetings. I swear the dry ones are harder to deal with sometimes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

ArmyOfOne said:


> ...although you are right. She said it to the counselor in our first session that she still holds resentment from that time.


It might help if she feels like you really get it. A woman is never more vulnerable then she is when pregnant and with a newborn, and if there's ever a time she needs her man to have her back that's it. If he isn't her protector at this time he loses his protector status and she never quite feels like she can count on him again.

She may feel like the man she thought she married had her back, but the man she actually married didn't. 

I think if she felt like you understood this it could help her move past it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArmyOfOne

lifeistooshort said:


> It might help if she feels like you really get it. A woman is never more vulnerable then she is when pregnant and with a newborn, and if there's ever a time she needs her man to have her back that's it. If he isn't her protector at this time he loses his protector status and she never quite feels like she can count on him again.
> 
> She may feel like the man she thought she married had her back, but the man she actually married didn't.
> 
> I think if she felt like you understood this it could help her move past it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did exactly that, I went to her when we were both fine and weren't upset at anything. I told her that I understand now, I get it. I am sorry I left you alone when you were vulnerable. I should have been there. I said a lot more but the point I am trying to make is that I genuinely get it and I am remorseful. She teared up and even though she said it was nice to hear. I didn't see a change in her behavior. 

We have been fighting over stupid stuff. And the last time she complained was about me putting my head on my mother's lap. Who I just recently met after not seeing her for 8 years. According to her its 'in-decent'. I basically lost it at that point and told her go eff herself.

I don't get this sort of behavior. If I was not giving you enough attention or affection that would be one thing. But how the hell is this even a problem. My mother is freaking 59 years old and can barely walk. And like I said I hadn't seen her in 8 years till just 3 weeks ago.


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