# How should I have took this comment?



## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

I don't want to get into to much detail but my husband has always said it takes him a bit longer when receiving oral and always has not just with me. So we have been together for a few years and I have always tried to make it easier and better for him so I would ask him questions like what would you like or what could I do different to help??

Well all through the years I have always gotten the same response it has always been I don't know Babe or I don't know Babe I just have a harder time.

And we have been having problems for some time (not sexually) but just in the marriage itself, communication, time, growing distance.

All of the sudden the other night I was going to give him a Bj and out of the blue he says here do you want me to help you or maybe he said show you what works, and I was instantly upset because I thought WTH after all these years how do you all the sudden know what works for you? I lost my mood and haven't done anything since.

My mind instantly went to a bad place, I have been cheated on by every man I've ever been with I guess I'm just waiting for him to follow suit. Was I right to think that? What are your thoughts???? Should I say something more to him??


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'd just ask him. Tell him something he said the other night kinda bothered you....ask why he suddenly figured out what works? Did he read it in a magazine, did he talk to a buddy....?


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

ak41
I would not think that at all. 
It's difficult to ask the woman you married to do this or that, sexually. Maybe he just now got the courage to give you direction. He might also be apprehensive for fear of what actually happened, you getting upset.

BTW- I also have a hard time getting off from BJ alone. I sometimes feel bad for my wife, that she has to be down there for so long. Don't get me wrong, I love BJ's but it just hard sitting there and relaxing for a long time. In fact, I too don't really know exactly why that is.


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

ak41 said:


> I don't want to get into to much detail but my husband has always said it takes him a bit longer when receiving oral and always has not just with me. So we have been together for a few years and I have always tried to make it easier and better for him so I would ask him questions like what would you like or what could I do different to help??
> 
> Well all through the years I have always gotten the same response it has always been I don't know Babe or I don't know Babe I just have a harder time.
> 
> ...


So when he finally worked up the courage to tell you, you shutdown on him. He was likely afraid (justified or not) that you would react negatively to what he might tell you.

You just proved him correct!

I think you should tell him your sorry for your reaction and explain why you reacted the way you did. Then ask him to show you and this time enjoy it and encourage him to keep sharing!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Isn't the main idea of having sex is a means to enhance intimacy? The way you know it's working is when both parties are completely comfortable doing or saying anything. They can be 100% open. Your husband gave you a suggestion on how you could give him an even better experience. That takes lots of trust. How does he know what would work? Maybe he doesn't really know but just thinks this or that technique might work. Maybe he saw it on porn, maybe it's something he read or one of his friends talked about or maybe he just thought it up. Who knows? He learned that you respond poorly to intimate honesty and it'll probably take some time to get him back to that place.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Always Learning said:


> So when he finally worked up the courage to tell you, you shutdown on him. He was likely afraid (justified or not) that you would react negatively to what he might tell you.
> 
> You just proved him correct!
> 
> I think you should tell him your sorry for your reaction and explain why you reacted the way you did. Then ask him to show you and this time enjoy it and encourage him to keep sharing!


Yep


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I have to agree with the others. After he finally chooses to answer the question you've been asking for quite some time, you reacted in such a way that sent the message that he was right to not answer every other time you've asked. It will take a great deal of work by both of you to open him up to the concept of telling you that kind of thing again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I think it would depend on how he said it. She's been asking him for a while how to improve. If she's between his thighs and out of frustration he said it sarcastically, yeah I'd be pissed. On the other hand, if he said it lovingly with a soft tone she would probably be more receptive to be instructed. IMO.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

ak41 said:


> I don't want to get into to much detail but my husband has always said it takes him a bit longer when receiving oral and always has not just with me. So we have been together for a few years and I have always tried to make it easier and better for him so I would ask him questions like what would you like or what could I do different to help??
> 
> Well all through the years I have always gotten the same response it has always been I don't know Babe or I don't know Babe I just have a harder time.
> 
> ...


Well, you started out great by opening a dialogue with H about how to make things better for him. But you blew it big time when he actually took you up on your offer.

I don't understand your reaction. After all, you asked. Were you expecting to have an arm chair discussion about it, and not in the throes of the BJ? Maybe the timing took you by surprise?

I think you need to go to him, hat in hand, and apologize profusely for how you reacted. I bet after you had that conversation with him, he thought good and hard about how to approach you. Apologize.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I really hate it when I agree with you.




unbelievable said:


> *Isn't the main idea of having sex is a means to enhance intimacy? * The way you know it's working is when both parties are completely comfortable doing or saying anything. They can be 100% open. Your husband gave you a suggestion on how you could give him an even better experience. That takes lots of trust. How does he know what would work? Maybe he doesn't really know but just thinks this or that technique might work. Maybe he saw it on porn, maybe it's something he read or one of his friends talked about or maybe he just thought it up. Who knows? He learned that you respond poorly to intimate honesty and it'll probably take some time to get him back to that place.


I totally agree with all of this.





OP, after you apologize for your potentially harmful reaction and listen to what he had to say I suggest you try the following.

Just like some women have a hard time letting go of their inhibitions particularly during oral sex, some men do as well. So think of some things that would help you feel less inhibited and more comfortable while your man's face is between your legs.

Talk to him during. Take little breaks to say sexy, positive, encouraging words that convey your desire and enthusiasm for what you are doing. Smile and make those yum yum yummy noises we all make when eating a delicious dish. Use your hands not just on his package, but lovingly caressing his whole body as far as you can reach. Mix it up. Don't stick to one or two sort of actions. Don't just insert and pump. Bring it out, rub your cheek on it, twirl it around, okay with it like its the neatest toy ever and you want to see all that it can do. As you do different things study his reaction and when you notice a positive reaction as him in a sexy voice, "you like that when I do that?" Asking yes or no type questions when the answer is likely a yes makes communication easier.

Keep in mind the building crescendo as you vary your technique and make your comments and yum noises mirror that building spcrescendo.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Talk to him during. Take little breaks to say sexy, positive, encouraging words that convey your desire and enthusiasm for what you are doing. Smile and make those yum yum yummy noises we all make when eating a delicious dish. Use your hands not just on his package, but lovingly caressing his whole body as far as you can reach. Mix it up. Don't stick to one or two sort of actions. Don't just insert and pump. Bring it out, rub your cheek on it, twirl it around, okay with it like its the neatest toy ever and you want to see all that it can do. As you do different things study his reaction and when you notice a positive reaction as him in a sexy voice, "you like that when I do that?" Asking yes or no type questions when the answer is likely a yes makes communication easier.
> 
> Keep in mind the building crescendo as you vary your technique and make your comments and yum noises mirror that building spcrescendo.


YES, YES, like this!!
Do you give private tutoring classes? I don't care what it costs. Time and place and my wife will be there.

Did I mention, I ALWAYS wear nice, polished shoes. My grandfather was a shoe maker from Italy. I've always been a freak for nice shoes.:smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> YES, YES, like this!!
> Do you give private tutoring classes? I don't care what it costs. Time and place and my wife will be there.
> 
> Did I mention, I ALWAYS wear nice, polished shoes. My grandfather was a shoe maker from Italy. I've always been a freak for nice shoes.:smthumbup:


LOL, you could just print it out and give it to your wife, and talk with her about it.





Honey, I know you're reading my posts while you are on your boys weekend. Just wanted to leave you with something to think about...


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> LOL, you could just print it out and give it to your wife, and talk with her about it.


Serious question. Do you think that's actually a good idea, because that's EXACTLY how you're supposed to do it!
Your technique is what I would call the "gold standard" of BJ technique.
If I show her, I'm afraid she might get pissed. Don't get me wrong, she's good at it, but not THAT good.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ak41,

I agree with a lot of what the others are saying and I agree with you. I know that sounds contradictory but it's not. Let me explain.

I agree that it's kind of odd that you have been asking him what would make it better for him for a long time and he's not that nothing would, it just takes him longer with a bj. By the way, some men cannot come with a bj, they need PIV to come. It's not as unusual as one might think.

Now suddenly out of the blue he seems to know that there is a way that he can orgasm with a bj. Now a bj is an sex act that takes 2. One person cannot learn a better way to do it and know for a fact that it's better for them by going solo... not unless they are very limber... 

So where did he learn this something that he now knows is a better way of doing it???? Your reaction is a valid one... someone else gave him a bj and it worked for him. So now he wants to teach you that technique.

But as the others said.. maybe he learned that technique somewhere else.. maybe a long time ago before you. Or maybe he's been looking at stuff on the web and has seen some things that he thinks will work.

So the got up the nerve to talk to you and to show you what he's learned. He does not actually know that these things will work for him because he's not tried it yet. He hopes that they will.

So he finally opened up to you and you reacted badly to it... not surprisingly at all.

I agree that you need to go back and talk to him. Tell him that you are sorry that you reacted that way. It was because the first thing that came to your mind was "how did he learn this? who did it to him recently so that now he knows?" it was a gut reaction, a knee jerk reaction. tell him that you have had time to think about it and have realized that your reaction was not good. Ask him to show you. Also ask him where he learned these things... not in an accusatory manner. Also tell him that you are glad that he felt safe enough to ask .. and apologize again for reacting as you did.

Is he usually open about talking to you about sexual things? Was it a big threshold for him to finally talk to you? Or has he always been pretty open about talking about what he likes sexually? These are important questions so if you could, please answer them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> I really hate it when I agree with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yep that's how to work it


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## Sammiee (Apr 15, 2015)

ak41 said:


> All of the sudden the other night I was going to give him a Bj and out of the blue he says here do you want me to help you or maybe he said show you what works, and I was instantly upset because I thought WTH after all these years how do you all the sudden know what works for you? I lost my mood and haven't done anything since.


He hasn't been satisfied with the BJs, he finally gets up the nerve to say something and you freak out on him. 

What it comes down to is that you haven't been giving good head for all those years and you're unwilling to take constructive advice. 

If you won't listen to him then watch some porn for ideas.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> .
> 
> 
> Talk to him during. Take little breaks to say sexy, positive, encouraging words that convey your desire and enthusiasm for what you are doing. Smile and make those yum yum yummy noises we all make when eating a delicious dish. Use your hands not just on his package, but lovingly caressing his whole body as far as you can reach. Mix it up. Don't stick to one or two sort of actions. Don't just insert and pump. Bring it out, rub your cheek on it, twirl it around, okay with it like its the neatest toy ever and you want to see all that it can do. As you do different things study his reaction and when you notice a positive reaction as him in a sexy voice, "you like that when I do that?" Asking yes or no type questions when the answer is likely a yes makes communication easier.
> ...


Great googly-moogly!


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I really hate it when I agree with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ohh man!
to steal a quote from Eddie Murphy "I'll take a 0"

it comes from a stand up routine about daydreaming of sex with one of his teachers, when she suddenly calls him up to the blackboard to complete a math problem.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

He has always been pretty open when it comes to talking about sex. We have had an open dialog since we became intimate. It just kinda caught me off guard like ok how do you know now all the sudden? And I automatically thought he may have done something with someone.

But thank you for all the advice it has made me think that may not have been it at all and I do need to apologize for sure.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening ak41
I don't see it as a sign he is cheating unless there are lots of other signs. 

Maybe he has just felt that your sex life is declining. He wants to make things more exciting. Maybe hoping that by suggesting what he likes, you would suggest what you would like?

As others said, he may have read about it, seen porn or something.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. If he is giving you suggestions, I'd take this as a good opening to give him suggestions for what you would like. 

If there are other signs of cheating and this is part of the pattern, then that would be different.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

UMP said:


> Serious question. Do you think that's actually a good idea, because that's EXACTLY how you're supposed to do it!
> Your technique is what I would call the "gold standard" of BJ technique.
> If I show her, I'm afraid she might get pissed. Don't get me wrong, she's good at it, but not THAT good.


My technique is what my husband taught me. Not all in one sitting, or kneeling, but over time he would say one thing like "do this...yeah, then that other thing..." And I have to say I find that instruction sexy as hell! 

So UMP you might want to start suggesting one thing then suggest she was witch back to the other thing. Then you tell her you like it when she switches from one to the next.

I have no idea how your wife would react to being handed a print out on BJ technique. Probably not well. Find a way to tell her in your own voice.

It's funny cause I think women are different in terms of pleasure. Yes build sensation, yes make loving noises, yes say loving things but don't mix it up!! Holy cow once she gets going do not stop doing what you're doing! You keep doing that until the fat lazy sings!


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My H like a BJ with a prostate massage.

He says the O is intense.


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Maybe I missed it, but did you ever let him tell you what he thought would work better? Have you tried it?

My attitude with blowjobs has always been to commit fully, turning it into an indulgence for me as much as it is for him. I feel quite connect to him afterwards, from the intimacy of it.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> All of the sudden the other night I was going to give him a Bj and out of the blue he says here do you want me to help you or maybe he said show you what works, and I was instantly upset because I thought WTH after all these years how do you all the sudden know what works for you?


So, you're not even sure of what he said?

In the absence of any other signs of cheating, my guess is he has always known what "works" and has just not had the heart to tell you....feeling as though you'd feel like you were doing something "wrong". He was afraid of hurting your feelings.

Now, on the other hand, he is also watching you apparently continually work on this and possibly getting "nowhere" for all your efforts. Perhaps he felt bad that your efforts were going unrewarded as he was leaving you walking in the dark. And he finally found the courage to speak up.

Maybe he wants a bit of a prostrate massage while you're doing it. An extremely difficult thing for a man to ask for.

My W and I are very communicative. But I still have a problem verbally directing her in what I'd like when it comes to bj's. Not sure why. Guess it just feels like it would be judgment against her or something. BUT, I will give much affirmation when she does something right! And she is very talented at it. So I'm probably not getting 100% of what I'd like...but 90% isn't bad!

I think an explanation and apology would probably be in order if you want to fix this. And then at some point, when the time seems right and he's relaxed, take control, set his azz down for a bj, and give him a dirt / sly look while you play with him, look him in the eyes, and tell him...."tell me what you want me to do!" Or start doing different things and ask him "do you like it when I do this? How about this?" etc.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Anon Pink said:


> I really hate it when I agree with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



If you grow weary of your current job, you could make a fortune writing pornmance novels.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> If you grow weary of your current job, you could make a fortune writing pornmance novels.


thank you. Have a few stories on literotica already. 


No, I won't link my author names. My H wants my smutty stories completely unidentifiable to me.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

Sad start but I can't help but like all the responses and advice in this thread.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

ak41 said:


> He has always been pretty open when it comes to talking about sex. We have had an open dialog since we became intimate. It just kinda caught me off guard like ok how do you know now all the sudden? And I automatically thought he may have done something with someone.
> 
> But thank you for all the advice it has made me think that may not have been it at all and I do need to apologize for sure.


Has he cheated on you? If not, why are you punishing him because your mind went on cheat-alert due to what other guys have done? You said you are having trouble communicating in other areas of the relationship, do this a few more times and you'll not be communicating about sex either.


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## R4ce (Mar 29, 2015)

This is why men keep quiet. They are damned if they do, and damned if they don't.


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