# kids will be devastated, what to do ?



## brucelee (Sep 18, 2012)

hi guys

am between a rock and a hard place, and wonder if anyone has been though similar ?

my wife and i are talking about divorcing.

i think we have really been going down hill for a few years but have two kids and have not really thought about divorce until recently. obviously neither is happy in the marriage, we have discussed open etc. although we are still friendly and amicable.

the problem is that her mom has cancer and is terminal so there are all kinds of emotions flying around, what neither of us wants is for the kids to suffer the upset of her mom passing then to suffer the upset of us splitting, it will surely be too much.

but the feeling is that the marriage has gone beyond repair.

what to do ???


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Have you all tried MC? If so, and you both feel there is nothing left to try then proceed with separation. Yes, kids will be hurt by divorce, most all people involved will be. However, I'm a firm believer that staying for the kids sake in a relationship that just isn't working or unhealthy harms them far worse. They may not know what going on exactly but they know mom and dad are not happy. Most kids want their mom and dad together period, but I also think some kids would rather have their mom and dad both in their lives, if they can't no longer be married, but at least happy. I think two people can remain civil and in the kids lives without actually having to be married if it simply isn't working out.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

I'm more concerned about how grandma's terminal cancer will affect your wife then how it will affect your kids. I don't mean to trivialize the effects of losing a grandparent. This is often the first time that a child will realize that people die, and once one person has died they may start to ask "what if my mom dies? what if dad dies? what if I die?" But, losing a grandparent is less disruptive than a divorce.

On the other hand, your wife is about to lose one of the most important people in her life, and this loss will put her at increased risk of depression, it's going to put an emotional strain on her, she will need time to cry and process. Taking on that burden while also dealing with the stress of a divorce really may be overwhelming. 

For those reasons I second Jamieson's suggestion that before you pursue a divorce make sure that you have exhausted all your options -- after all, several months of marriage counseling is less expensive than lawyer fees for a divorce and WAY less expensive than setting up two separate households.

If you and your wife really can't work it out and divorce is inevitable, I would recommend coming up with a plan to separate your finances, child custody arrangements, etc, BUT then agreeing that you will not actually pull the trigger and file for divorce for a reasonable time (1 year? 18 months?) so that your wife will have time to work through her grief, and so you can take your kids to family therapy as well.


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