# Seven year itch



## Mic (Jan 13, 2013)

Never thought I would be posting messages (for that matter never thought I would be visiting these websites).
I have been married for 7 years now, have 2 boys (2 and 4yrs), I am hard working and provided my wife and family with what I think is a fantastic life. We travel abroad as a family at least once a year, have a beautiful home, kids in a good school and a wife who is intellligent non practising attorney.
My "punishment" for what I have created (with my wife) is infilidaty on her part. A real kick in the teeth!
She went out with some girfriends, had some prick take her phone out her hand (how she allowed that I dont know). He dialed his number off her phone and so the texting ensued.
The very next day, I caught her texting him (on the evening of our sons 2nd birthday), naturally I lost it and she claimed to understand I was angry and said it was nothing and would cease all correspondance.
Her behavoiur over the following weeks became odd (not to mention she was actually being abnormally affectionate towards me), and I started checking her phone, computer etc. (I thought I was going CRAZY!) I found some correspondance on her computer (a search for airline tickets to visit the prick). I then found another phone in her handbag (I pay her cell phone so I would naturally be able to check her account - so she bought a pay as you go sim card and phone). I called her and told her I knew something was going on and it was time for her to come clean. I was told I was psychotic and that nothing was going on. He sms'd her the next day on the phone which I found while I was questioning her about the reason for the phone saying "any chance I can see you today, we can run into the forrest and hide somewhere". This guy is a real piece of work.
So 10 days before Xmas she was caught again, I was asked not to leave and that we needed counciling. Reluctantly, I agreed.
The first thing the councilor said to her was that if it was not over with the prick that we would all be wasting our time and money. She was adamant that it ended. I found out partly by bluffing and partly her telling me that he flew in to see her, he checked into a hotel and she had seen him 3 times in the 4 nights he was here (so I am told anyway). I am told they lay on the bed fully clothed and only kissed.
After 2 councilling sessions, 1 day before new years, I found more email correspondance between her and the prick, this time on a new gmail account she created. They had alyce facebook accounts, but she had deleted all the correspondance baring that day. The correspondance included how they loved each other, missed each other etc.
I moved out for the week, we went to the councillor twice and she is not remorseful, she tells of how being a stay at home mom has caused a lot of what she has/is doing. She tells me she loves me, but really I think she just likes the fact that I provide and give her what she has.
Currently I am back home, but barely talk to her.
Dont know how the hell I got here.....


----------



## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

This is awful,so sorry for you and what your going through.Cheaters suck and they only think of themselves at the time.Your wife is lying to you,if she loved you she would've admitted her mistake and cut off all correspondence with this guy,the fact she set up an alyce FB account and is maintaining contact says that she is willing to hurt you furthermore and doesn't want to salvage your marriage.

Pick yourself up and move on!!!and don't blame yourself what a load of crap about being a stay at home mum has caused this!!!Load of bull!!


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Mic said:


> Never thought I would be posting messages (for that matter never thought I would be visiting these websites).
> I have been married for 7 years now, have 2 boys (2 and 4yrs), I am hard working and provided my wife and family with what I think is a fantastic life. We travel abroad as a family at least once a year, have a beautiful home, kids in a good school and a wife who is intellligent non practising attorney.
> 
> My "punishment" for what I have created (with my wife) is infilidaty on her part. A real kick in the teeth!
> ...


Well, you've given her plenty of chances to end it, and she hasn't.

And the consequences to her are? She gets to continue the same lifestyle? She gets to continue the affair? You get to be upset about it? WHAT REASON DOES SHE HAVE TO STOP?

If it weren't for the kids, I would say just kick her to the curb.

Cheaters are liars. Ignore everything your wife says, unless it is supported by her actions.

I posted this in another thread, but I think it applies to you, too.

When you confronted your wife originally about this situation, she immediately and sincerely pledged to work on the marriage and then she proceeded to not work on the marriage one little bit.

Your marriage MAY be salvageable. It may not.

Your situation is very common. There always are a few variables, but nothing significantly different. Cheaters follow a very predictable script. Betrayed spouses also follow the script. The plot outline could take one of a few courses, like bad TV movies. You and your wife both are following the script to a T.

Your wife is "fence-sitting" and "eating cake." She is "in love" with the other man. This will run its course on its own. In about a year, or two, maybe at longest three. That's how long it takes to get over the "in love" feeling, which eventually turns into the kind of love you and your wife have for each other, the more mature settled kind of love, not the exciting, not-knowing-what's-going-to-happen-next, butterfly-in-the-stomach love. After the "in love" feeling wears off, your wife may stay with the other man out of habit for a year or a few more. Then she will contact you via Facebook, remembering only the good times, and want to reunite with you. If she doesn't meet anyone else in between. So, if you follow your current course, you might have your wife back in 7-10 years or so.

Your wife wants the safety of you at home and the excitement of her new lover. She's not going to give up either unless you force her to (or unless the other man gets hit by a bus, struck by lightning, finds someone else, or otherwise dumps her).

You can wait until hell freezes over and it still won't be enough time for your wife to decide to stay with you. The only way you are going to save your marriage is to end the affair. That is the first step and no guarantee that you can save your marriage.

Your wife is "in love" with the other man, which means she is infatuated, gets butterflies in the stomach, like a teenager with a crush. Her "affair" with the other man is pure fantasy-land; none of the harsh realities of life intrudes. In her affair with him, she does not have to pick up his dirty underwear off the floor, do laundry, cook, clean, or deal with any of life's unpleasantness. With him, there is only I love you's, sex, and talk of living in a perfect fantasy world together. Of course, no such perfect fantasy world awaits your wife, and somewhere deep down she knows that, but a big part of her wants to believe in that fantasy, just like you want to believe that she will come to her senses on her own. She won't.

Right now, she likes the fact that she can still have her other man knowing you will be there as a backup in case it falls through. She is sitting on the fence eating cake.

There is a reason she hasn't left you for him - what is it? The kids? The job? Other man's hesitance to leave his wife and family? If she is in love with him and they are soulmates destined to be together, why hasn't she left you for him yet?

Your first step is to talk to your wife. Get her alone without the kids around. Tell her that you love her and are sorry for whatever legitimate gripes she has against you, that you will improve yourself and improve your marriage, that you feel your marriage will be better than ever if you try to reconcile. Next, tell her that although you feel this way, you cannot go on this way any longer as she continues to lie to you and continue her affair. Give her one day to decide whether she wants to continue in the marriage with you or get divorced. Tell her no decision means she chooses other man. Tell her you took vows together, you've been married many years, have had children together, and have been through life's ups and downs together and you don't plan on waiting any longer as her "backup plan" while she continues her affair with the other man.

If your wife does choose to commit to the marriage, she agrees to:

1. Give up all contact with the other man now and forever.

2. Handwrite a no contact letter to the other man. The letter states that she doesn't want to ever talk to him again, if he contacts her again, she will file harassment charges against him. It is handwritten, contains no terms of endearment, starts simply with his name, and ends with "signed" and your wife's name. It does not contain any "I'm sorry this didn't work out" or "I will always remember you fondly" or anything of the sort. Just that the affair is over and there is to be no contact forevermore.

3. Tell you the full truth of her affair. If the story does not make sense, she will take a polygraph to verify the details.

4. Give you complete transparency of all her communication devices and accounts, all passwords, you get to check whenever you feel like. Agrees to let you know where she is at all times.

If she can't agree to this, file for divorce. Don't threaten it, just do it.

Divorce is a long process. You can always stop it if your wife comes to her senses. If not, you save yourself months and months of pain and unhappiness, which ends in a bad result anyway.

If your wife does not want to meet your conditions and work on the marriage, start moving on with your life. Stop engaging with her as your wife, and start engaging with her as your soon-to-be-ex-wife. Be pleasant, but not romantic. Talk to her only as needed to discuss the divorce settlement. If you are financing her affair in any way, stop. Definitely don't pay for any means she uses to cheat on you.

Also, if she doesn't choose to re-commit to the marriage right away, expose the affair to the other man's family and friends. Expose the affair to you and your wife's family and friends. Let them know the other man's name and ask for their support in saving your family and your marriage. Don't tell your wife you are going to do this, just do it.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it. You cannot "nice" your wife out of her affair.

The longer you allow this to go on, the more respect your wife is losing for you. She sees a weak-willed man who is not willing to stand up for himself. When she sees the other man, she sees a strong man who goes after what he wants and doesn't stop until he gets it. Other man may be belittling you to your wife every chance he gets. And if so she likely is listening to it and not disputing it. If the situation were reversed, do you think she would tolerate it? Why are you willing to put up with her cheating on you?

If your wife does agree, buy a few voice-activated recorders and some heavy-duty velcro. Place one under the front seat of her car and another in the house where she is likely to use the phone when you are not around. Within a week you should be able to see if she's serious about ending contact with other man. Keylog the computer if you can. You can't go on snooping and spying and monitoring for the rest of your life, but for the immediate future, given your wife's history of lying, you must verify her honesty in order to rebuild trust. As time passes and you find nothing, then you can stop or greatly reduce the monitoring of her communication devices and accounts and get rid of the voice-activated recorders.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you told her parents that your marriage is hanging on by thread because she has a boyfriend? How far away do the parents live?


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Another point of view:

I wish I could claim credit for this masterpiece but I can't. It belongs to very wise member from another website. It should be etched in the minds of every man and woman who has been the victim on infidelity.

_Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them. _


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I assume there are no more GNOs?


----------



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I agree with not fighting it anymore.

Is the new guy single?


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

This hurt me when I came here but it is the truth - she's gone man - and you should let her go - my STBXW is no longer in my life - but I realize there was nothing I could do to get her back - the long painful process of trying to keep her would have hurt me in the long haul. Here's a question to ask yourself - IF you could get her back - would you take her back? Knowing she betrayed you, had sex with another dude (with all the acts that encompasses) - would you be able to get that out of your head? I would not be able to....knowing I was her plan B - also knowing she betrayed you in the worse way. She is not the person you thought she was - in life there are consequences - hers will be the loss of her family....sorry dude...you may say to yourself you want your family back - but you will see your family is gone anyway---take care.

One more thing - it is NOT seven year itch - there is no itch....7 year, 8, 9..if that were the case my ex had a 27 year itch....it is infidelity and betrayal plain and simple.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mic, my friend: I'm sorry to see you here, but you've definitely come to right place! We are all somewhat in the unenviable position of going through what you are to greater or lesser degrees.

Having read your story, I cannot make myself believe that this guy yanked her phone out of her hand. In fact, I don't think she even met him in the company of her girlfriends~ but it's much more believable, however, that she met him through Facebook(FB) or some other social medium.

"Seven Year Itch" is just a phrase. Some people reach it in 7 years, some in 15, and some in 1, or even less; pretty much on a "case-by-case" basis.

There seems to be a discernible absence of the truth here as I vastly see nothing more than smoke and mirrors. It really makes me wonder when the last time was that she actually was "truthful" with you. Having said that, she has created a track record from which she cannot escape, nor in my mind's eye, see that she can even begin to recapture the trust that you once had.

It's beyond "180 time" for you now! Additionally, you need to have her move out of your domicile, and you should keep the kids. After all, she seems to give greater creedence to pleasing her boyfriend than executing her marital and maternal interests, greatly provided she has any.

To do that, get to your attorney's office post haste and beat her to the punch in filing for Divorce and for temporary custody of your beautiful children. In her scurolous state of cheating and the resulting deception, you don't need her, and the kids certainly don't need her. I'm thinking the kids would be far better off with you even on your worst day, than they would with her on even her best one.

If you love those kids and yourself, you'll fastly extricate yourselves from that cesspool of deception. I wish you well, my friend! I'll continue to keep you all in my prayers!

P.S. And if you should find that her slimeball BF is married or encumbered, then he needs to "outed" by telling his wife or SO about it.

Also, I don't really know when the last time that you may have had sexual relations with her, but at least for your own peace of mind, get yourself tested for STD's immediately!


----------



## mattokeol (Jan 13, 2013)

This is awful,so sorry for you and what your going through.


----------



## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> but you will see your family is gone anyway---take care.
> 
> One more thing - it is NOT seven year itch - there is no itch....7 year, 8, 9..if that were the case my ex had a 27 year itch....it is infidelity and betrayal plain and simple.


Yes, you now have a new family. One that doesn't include your lying cheating wife. I am with you man. I am six months out on my saga.

I am letting you know that all the advice given so far is spot on. THERE IS NO OTHER WAY TO DEAL WITH THIS SITUATION.

Divorce is the only option. File now and see if she pulls her head out of her a$$. Or, file now and get your life on sooner. Either option, you have to file.

As far as the 7 year itch, mine was 9 year. Another name for the 7 year itch, mid life crisis or whatever you want to call it is this: depression, need for attention, poor communication, no coping skills, fear of conflict, or whatever you wanna call it.

File for divorce tomorrow. It will be the first step to the new you or to getting your wife back. I know someone said something about her wanting back in a few years, don't hold your breath. I only know of one person who had their wife beg them to come back, he said no. I know it happens, but don't count on it.

If you want to know my story, 10 years, two kids 4 and 8, wife lied and lied and lied. I gave her chance after chance after chance. 7 in total. She is willing to incur 10s of thousands of dollars in debt, cut the time she sees her kids in half, and completely destroy them mentally. This without so much as even lifting a finger to try and really reconcile. I pity her. Her real actions spoke louder than anything she ever said, and those actions said, "I don't want you anymore." Fine, she is getting all that she wanted.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Married 7 years and there's this much turmoil? You've got a whole lot of trouble ahead of you. 

Wait until you've been married 25 years. She'll be one of "those" women who have a varied sex life.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am so very sorry. Not only is she a disloyal wife, she is also a bad Mother. I mean no disrespect with that statement.

Good Mothers of babies don't cheat on their good hard-working husbands. You say she is an SAHM. Well not really. She is not staying home when she spends nights away in a hotel with an OM.

If you divorce, go for full custody. You do not want your children around this man or the next or the next........


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Expose the affair to her family.
Find OM family and expose to hiswife,GF,parents.
Cut WW off and stop finacing her A.
Stop all joint accounts and credit cards.

All these tactics will make the affair as inconvienent and uncomfortable to continue. The goal is getting the OM completely out of the picture. Once the influence of the OM is gone then you guys can focus on the marriage.

The counselor was right until the OM is completely out of the picture, your marriage is screwed. 

Its time to show some tough love...it suck having to do all the grocery shopping and taking care of all the crap your wife used to, but you have really cut any founding you are providing....this is also a great tactic in giving her a taste of things to come if she continues and she loses her marriage with a divorce.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jenny1981 said:


> I don't believe that just because someone is a bad wife that makes them a bad mother. Sorry one has nothing to do with the other. I have been the bs and the WS in the past and my exh tells me on a weekly basis how I'm an excellent mom. Think about what your saying here, so every man and woman who cheats or has cheated us a bad parent? No sorry that's bull! They may not be setting the best example for their children but that doesn't make them a bad parent. Also in my state infidelity doesn't decide who gets the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So were are the kids when she is spending time with OM 3 out of the 4 days. So were are the kids when they are texting 100 times a day.

Not only has she cheated her husband out of a commited relationship , but she has the possiblity of destroying her kids family unit if she continues.

So ya she is a bad mother, her parenting is only half of what it could be if she didin't spend all her energy and her affair.

She is risking the family breaking up......how is that good parenting?


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Mic: That sucks. Focus on yourself and your kids. Your old marriage is dead and your old wife just a memory. Get through the rough period by focusing on you and your kids. When you're past the shock phase, decide whether you like this new woman who calls herself your "wife". Decide if you are attracted to her vs your old wife's memory. If you feel this woman is truly remorseful and that you could build a NEW relationship with this stranger, then try to R. But keep your eyes wide open.

Sorry you're here but good luck with your upcoming decisions.


----------



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

jenny1981 said:


> , so every man and woman who cheats or has cheated us a bad parent?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Considering the damage it does to the family and everyone in it - this is true....my Dad was a known philanderer and as a result my sisters both married philanderers and both got divorced and their kids had to have the effects of that placed on them - I never trusted women because they were so willing to sleep with my father ---so I have no problem with the statement---

It is selfish plain and simple....your husband may say you were a good parent by doing other things but this is just ignoring the HUGE elephant in the room...sorry but that is how I see it.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

There's a big difference between loving your kids (which she probably does), and being a bad parent (which she is,by depriving them of the time she spends on the OM and the example she is setting).


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Why are you putting up with this? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.
1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See an excellent lawyer.

She is playing you for a total fool. Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

the guy said:


> So were are the kids when she is spending time with OM 3 out of the 4 days. So were are the kids when they are texting 100 times a day.
> 
> Not only has she cheated her husband out of a commited relationship , but she has the possiblity of destroying her kids family unit if she continues.
> 
> ...


How can a bad spouse teach a child to be a good spouse when they grow up. The idea a cheater could be a good parent is totally illogical. Its just another lie in a cheaters arsenal.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

jenny1981 said:


> Ok so here's a scenerio, man cheats wife stays and they mend the marriage. Doesn't that make her a bad mom for staying with someone who is a "bad dad". You can't have it both ways. Funny how we change the rules of the game to suit us best, path of least resistance. Ok I'm guilty if this, why is it I will take advice from people but only if they tell me what I want to hear? Anyone else in that sort of boat? Or am I just too honest for this site?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cheaters can change, althought many can't. Some just have personality defects, others moral defects.

Are you suggesting your husband wasn't a bad dad when he injured your marriage. That hurt your children in untold ways. It had to change you and your husband. Do you disagree that in almost every case not cheating would be better for the family.

Cheating hurts families.

Divorce hurts children badly.

Reconcilliation is not as bad for children as divorce, if the parents are successful at it.

Google children of divorce statistics and children of infidelity statistics.

I hope your recovery is wonderful and I recommend reconcilliation more than most. 

In OP's case he hasn't shown he has done anything to stop the affair.


----------



## JMGrey (Dec 19, 2012)

jenny1981 said:


> I don't believe that just because someone is a bad wife that makes them a bad mother. Sorry one has nothing to do with the other. I have been the bs and the WS in the past and my exh tells me on a weekly basis how I'm an excellent mom. Think about what your saying here, so every man and woman who cheats or has cheated us a bad parent? No sorry that's bull! They may not be setting the best example for their children but that doesn't make them a bad parent. Also in my state infidelity doesn't decide who gets the kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sure it does. More than nurturing and protecting, a mother's duty is to raise her children to not do bad things. We're not talking about rolling stops at stop signs or not flushing a public toilet after use, we're talking about behavior that destroys families, ends careers and even lives. In their formative years, a child looks to its parents to know how to behave. It forms their understanding of what it means to be an adult. 

Presented with the opportunity for infidelity, one would have to know that it was eventually going to be revealed, either when one were caught or when one finally left their spouse, and that it was going to completely change one's life and the lives of all involved. Because of those actions, a child's life is forever colored because the most fundamental behavior for intimate human action, trust, becomes next to impossible. How can they have complete trust in another person when someone who meant so much, who's supposed to have their best interests at heart, could betray their trust so completely? And when a WS engages in infidelity, they're cheating on the kids, too. So, yeah, it does make them a bad mother or father, because they willfully and consistently placed their own gratification above their child's formation and feelings.


----------



## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If a H goes to play golf (or drinking, or playing poker etc) by lying to his W about what he's doing, being dishonest, causing disharmony in the household - he IS SETTING a bad example to his kids about how a relationship works. And he IS being a very bad parent - no matter how much he loves his kids. 

Actions have consequences - the consequences fall on the kids and their later relationships and interactions. 

A parent can be gone for 18 months on deployment or for other work and still be a great parent. 

A person can be gone two hours a night for illicit __whatever___ and be a bad parent. JMO.

If your marriage is done. It's done.


----------



## jenny1981 (Jun 14, 2012)

I deleted my posts because I don't want to upset anyone who chooses to wear rose colored glasses.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

SAHM is comfy in her nice big house and kids, she has a lot of nice things in her life but adventure (enter OM). You provide the niceties of life, but she has moved you to friend zone or provider status. There is no way for you to get back to relationship status, on the current path, as she does view you in that way. 

The counselor is correct; sessions right now are useless as long as OM is in the picture. He will not go away until the allure of him goes away. Right now he can do no wrong; he does not have to deal with the house, kids, or bills. All he has to do is ride in on his white horse and save the damsel in distress, this has to change.

All information has to be exposed to light for it to be seen as it really is an illicit affair. He needs to be exposed to his family, so that contacting your wife has a cost to him. You need to contact an attorney and sequester money, so that she gets to see there is a cost to her actions as well. Looks like she has too much time on her hands and needs to find out what life without you is life. She should not assume that you are the one to leave; you have not defiled the relationship. 

What you need to do is work on make you a better you. If you are not regularly exercising then start, this will help to relieve stress and make you more physically appealing. Concentrate on your children; they are going to need you more than ever before, look to do fun things with them in your free time. None of these things may break the spell of the OM, but they will serve you well regardless.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

You have to take control. She is working on replacing you, pure and simple. She asks you not to leave but continues with the OM. If OM works out you are gone. You are plan B. 

Ask her to leave and file D. You have to take away the foundation. She has been in his hotel room at least three times, she has been having sex with him. Do not full yourself nor acept any more lies.

You can still R even in D. You have to end the bs (bull sh&t)


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

1. Expose expose expose. If you have access to her main Facebook start there. Then go to her family. Then ALL friends and acquaintances. The easy part to do 1 second after you read this. Whether you d or r this is important.

2. Expose to other cheaters wife or girlfriend.

Your ages for perspective?

You are aware the probability of anything less than oral sex is about the same as winning a lotto right?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

jenny1981 said:


> I deleted my posts because I don't want to upset anyone who chooses to wear rose colored glasses.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You didn't need to delete your post.

You were respectful & presented your opinion.

I started the "bad Mother" dialogue. I realize what I should have said, is that she did a bad thing as a Mother. I don't like to attack the person, only the problem. "Bad" & "Good" is too black & white.

The OP's wife did a very "bad" thing. She lied, snuck around & probably cheated multiple times with an OM.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Hire a babysitter or live-in nanny or family who will help with the children until you find one. Expose them. Tell her get out (your leaving is never an option). The sooner you put your foot down, the better. It will clear some of her fog. Let this man take care of her, since he is enjoying the fruits of your labor or eating off your plate. The fog will definitely lift then, when they have to face the real them and get on each others nerves.


----------



## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

She keeps cheating cause you keep doing nothing each time you catch her. Kick her ass out. 

If you don't give any consequences and big ones at that, nothing is gonna change.


----------



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Yep! She needs a 7 year scratch.


----------



## Mic (Jan 13, 2013)

Hi All, really very grateful to you all for wanting to help. Thank you.
Firstly, I dont believe they met before the night out with her mates. The prick does not live in our country, and he was out with someone else I know so have confirmed it was a first meeting. He then only returned after a month of them communicating. He appealed to all her senses and passions and sucked her in. I have since spoken with him & told him I would tell his "common law wife", with whom they have a 3 year old daughter. He begged and pleaded for me not too. I am busy investigating as how best to get to his wife to tell her. He screwed up my life, so I will screw up his.
Secondly, I have had some truth telling from her, but not enough, so this process will go on. I will not stop until I know everything.
Thirdly, and the strangest phenomen of all is the fact that she is just not remoursful in the slightest, she seemingly still protects him and at this very point, I dont think the mailing/sms'ing/FB has ended.
That all said, my W did have a father who cheated on her mother 3 times during her teens and her mother spoke to her about it all, she was there to see it all over a 5 year period. There are serious issues at play here and I think she is seriously messed up. I just dont understand how it has played itself out to this degree over 2 months....1 day everyone's happy all's great, and the next day this hard, cold, emotionless woman arrives. It's just crazy!
She says shes loves me, she says it was just a stupid fantasy (stupid enough to have carried on for 2 months etc.), and that her family means more to her, but really I'm just not sure anymore.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Mic said:


> Hi All, really very grateful to you all for wanting to help. Thank you.
> Firstly, I dont believe they met before the night out with her mates. The prick does not live in our country, and he was out with someone else I know so have confirmed it was a first meeting. He then only returned after a month of them communicating. He appealed to all her senses and passions and sucked her in.* I have since spoken with him & told him I would tell his "common law wife", with whom they have a 3 year old daughter. He begged and pleaded for me not too*. I am busy investigating as how best to get to his wife to tell her. He screwed up my life, so I will screw up his.
> Secondly, I have had some truth telling from her, but not enough, so this process will go on. I will not stop until I know everything.
> Thirdly, and the strangest phenomen of all is the fact that she is just not remoursful in the slightest, she seemingly still protects him and at this very point, I dont think the mailing/sms'ing/FB has ended.
> ...


He begged and pleaded? Well boo hoo! Fvck him, my heart bleeds purple piss for him. He thought nothing of screwing you over and fvcking up your marriage.

He deserves every ounce of payback coming to him.

GO FOR IT.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Mic said:


> Hi All, really very grateful to you all for wanting to help. Thank you.
> Firstly, I dont believe they met before the night out with her mates. The prick does not live in our country, and he was out with someone else I know so have confirmed it was a first meeting. He then only returned after a month of them communicating. He appealed to all her senses and passions and sucked her in. I have since spoken with him & told him I would tell his "common law wife", with whom they have a 3 year old daughter. *He begged and pleaded for me not too.* I am busy investigating as how best to get to his wife to tell her. He screwed up my life, so I will screw up his.
> Secondly, I have had some truth telling from her, but not enough, so this process will go on. I will not stop until I know everything.
> Thirdly, and the strangest phenomen of all is the fact that *she is just not remoursful in the slightest, she seemingly still protects him and at this very point, I dont think the mailing/sms'ing/FB has ended.*
> ...




You seems too weak to ask your wife to stop everything right now or **** out off your home. If you had took a firm stand like this when she was caught with a Pay phone or when you saw them contacting again your wife may not have been banging OMs brain out for three nights.

He begged for not to expose means he is afraid to face the consequences of his doings and you being a nice guy agreed to that. If it was me i might have contacted his wife by any way by next day. Why should he get a free ride from your wife when you are there? Let him pay for it, dont allow him to make you a cuckold joker.

Why should she stop the contact when she can have her cake and eat it too. Why should she stop when she is trying to replace you with someone else? Why should she stop when you are not ready to take a firm stand on this?

Why should she stop when she sees you as a weak and needy husband?


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Mic said:


> he checked into a hotel and she had seen him 3 times in the 4 nights he was here (so I am told anyway). I am told *they lay on the bed fully clothed and only kissed*.


That's as far as I got.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Sigh-tell the pos wife asap! That will be the only chance you will have of ending this.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Mic said:


> I have since spoken with him & told him I would tell his "common law wife", with whom they have a 3 year old daughter. He begged and pleaded for me not too. I am busy investigating as how best to get to his wife to tell her. He screwed up my life, so I will screw up his.


Absolutely tell his "wife". Screw him over good and do it soon. Not only does revenge feel good but the bastard did wrong. He knew what he was doing all along. Fvck him



Mic said:


> Secondly, I have had some truth telling from her, but not enough, so this process will go on. I will not stop until I know everything.
> Thirdly, and the strangest phenomen of all is the fact that she is just not remoursful in the slightest, she seemingly still protects him and at this very point, I dont think the mailing/sms'ing/FB has ended.


In the end this affair is your wife's fault. I don't recomend reconciling with her at all. Throw in the fact that _"she is just not remorseful in the slightest, she seemingly still protects him and at this very point"_ means that you need to get her out of your life (many here would disagree with me on that). If you do take her back, think about how you are going to make her "pay for her transgression" what do you want from her to make up for all this pain that you are going through. Unlike others, I don't believe that you should take her back with only the promise of "I'll be a good girl from now on". This has to cost her something tangible; something that will make her think twice and maybe even hurt. This can help you get back a little of your self respect, your dignity and sooth your ego a bit. You were not the one who did something wrong, she did; you shouldn't have to eat a sh1t sandwich.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

MrK said:


> That's as far as I got.


Seriously. Reads like a scene for PG-13 film. That's not what adult couples rent hotel rooms for.


----------



## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

snap said:


> Seriously. Reads like a scene for PG-13 film. That's not what adult couples rent hotel rooms for.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

And does OP believe this? What is his say about this?


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please just file for divorce! Your wife has no respect for you and truly belives you will do nothing. You haven't said you exposed her to her family and friends. 

If you really want this (and I can't imagine why. You situation is not unlike mine) Please file and expose. NOW!


----------



## Mic (Jan 13, 2013)

Her folks have been involved the entire time, they know just about all of it. I have told them and sent them proof of correspondance I found. They are appalled at her behaviour but not really taken a hard line with her at all.
Tonight we had (yet) another argument. She's trying to tell me that I have failed her emotionally, that I never showed or displayed love. To which I naturally argued and told her that she is trying to hang onto anything she can to make it look like my responsbility, my fault. She tried to say that this happenend because I drove her to it. I argued saying that this is not the way you get your H's attention and that I can admit where things where not great, but thought we had a great marriage for the most of it ; I thought she was always happy ( which she cannot contest and has agreed with me before). Furthermore is if you are sorry, show me, prove it. So she stormed out the house and returned 2hrs later. I have not bothered to ask her where she went but the prick lives in Europe so know she did not go there....no doubt called, emailed or FB him. 
I am taking a much harder stance and tomorrow we have another councilling session. So lets see what BS she comes up with now...I'm sticking to my guns. If she shows and proves nothing, I'm done with this rubbish.
I have lots and lots to give and want to give it to someone who cares, loves and cherishes me...not someone who takes me for granted, lies, cheats and then tries to blame me for it!


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yes stay strong life is too short for this bs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Mic,

You should expose the OM to his wife!

Wouldn't you want to know if you were in her shoes?


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Not exposing to his wife sends the message to your wife you are not willing to fight off another man for her. It makes you look weak.............the worse thing that can happen.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Definitely expose to OM's wife- she deserves to know. Are you sure this is a first time for her? She seems to have been taken into to it quickly... just asking- not accusing.

I wish you well. You deserve better. Believe me, better is out there.

Good luck
WD


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Mic, you don't threaten to expose, you just do it. Your goal isn't to make friends, impress people or show your decency - your goal is to get your W out of her affair using any and all means available. Don't utter another word to the guy, he is not the cause of the problem, your W is, but just as his presence facilitated the affair, so will his absence end it, which is why you expose expose expose and don't second guess yourself.

Then once you make the affair as uncomfortable as it can be, when your W starts throwing the blame in your face you confront her with her own lies and wrongdoings, then you patiently wait until she shows remorse and willingness to bust her ass fixing all the damage she has caused, while you get counselling for yourself to help get over the grief. And if she is unwilling to accept the blame, responsibility or heavy lifting you kick her out and tell her to go have a good life without you so you can focus on having your own good life.


----------

