# Depressed wife, needy husband



## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

I have major depression and my husband doesn't know how to handle it, and it's making everything harder.

I was diagnosed with depression years ago and struggled with it off and on, but nothing near as bad as the last 6 months or so have been. We had our first child almost a year ago so that probably contributed to it... but I'm getting to a breaking point. The worst part about this recent bout of depression is that the *utter* sexual aversion I have towards my husband... or anyone, really; we had a fairly healthy sex life before, but now I'm pretty much disgusted by it. It wasn't immediately after the baby, either... it was maybe 4-6 months afterwards; no changes on my husband's part or anything. Pretty much I was just suddenly totally grossed out by sex. I don't even want to be touched. I've never been a very touchy-feely person, but I think because my husband rarely touches me in non-sexual ways, I'm afraid to be touched at all. When I started seeing a therapist, I wasn't surprised at all that he asked me if I'd been sexually abused in the past as that's how I'm reacting now, but I haven't.

Understandably, my husband feels abandoned, lonely and rejected. He "understands" what I'm going through, sort of, but he just doesn't know how to handle it. I give him sex or whatever when he needs it physically but we both know I'm just going through the motions. He misses the intimacy and I don't blame him at all. 

And he tells me all the time. He's constantly telling me he loves me, he misses me, he wants to hold me, etc. He's very physical and touchy. All of this makes me feel worse and drives me away... I guess because I feel inadequate. What am I supposed to say when he says he misses me? I don't miss him! I wish I did, but I just want space. He knows I can't stand being touched but he does it anyway. 

I'm working on finding medication and in therapy but this will be a very long road for me. We're looking into couples therapy whenever we're able to afford it... but what's the right thing to do? It seems lose-lose... either I let him express those things, which still doesn't accomplish much, and feel guilty because I can't satisfy him, or he suffers in silence and doesn't even get to say how he feels. He wants to help, but he's suffering too, and the only thing that "helps" me is for him to leave me alone, which makes him miserable... what do you do???


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Its good you're in therapy I would continue on with that. Has the doctor mentioned possibly postpartum depression? That can happen at any time too, not just as as soon as you have a baby.

Sounds like you're on the right track as far as therapy and seeking medication if need be. Your husband needs to get into some counseling or continue on as well if he is already in therapy. He will benefit by getting info and understanding depression. Depression doesn't just effect the person thats depressed it effects everyone involved.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

How often do you get out of the house? Do you go shopping or have any friends you might hang out with some, possible play dates with other babies and their moms? 

Do you feel you are depressed regardless of where you are or who you're with, or just when you're with your husband? If you were depressed some before and now you feel its worse, it does sound like postpartum depression. Some women's hormones can just go haywire after a baby is born making things ever worse.


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## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

Postpartum probably enters into it... unfortunately, it doesn't really matter; it's all treated the same way.

I rarely get out of the house, but that's partially my fault... I've never really been a very social person... I'd much rather sit at home and watch a movie or read a book. Going out was always mentally and physically tiring to me, but now it's even worse... between the baby and the depression, just going to the store seems like such an awful chore (unless I can go without the baby and then it's kind of exciting haha).Showering, finding something to wear, actually doing my hair and makeup seem like sooo much work. But no, I have no friends... that probably contributes to my depression, too, I realized I'm pretty bad with people and pushed people away, I guess. And while I'd like friends in theory and I'm sure it's good for me, the few people I'm friendly with at work I never reach out to... going out with friends again seems like so much work... the going out itself, and then actually initiating/organizing it...

My husband and I don't get out a whole lot either, although I guess we go to "something" once a week, but always with the baby. We can't afford daycare so we work opposite schedules; he works 6 mornings a week and I work 3 nights, so we don't see each other a lot. He has his own issues (health related) and mostly sleeps when he's home. 

Sorry to keep going on... as I said, I'm working on my problems; not that I don't appreciate the advice, but if I got into all of it I'd write a book! My therapist says I'll probably need a year or maybe two of therapy, which is even more depressing, ha! The real problem is how my husband deals with it and how we relate. I guess I need to encourage him to get therapy; he's not exactly opposed to it, it's just something that wouldn't occur to him and he had marital counseling in his previous marriage and I think he sees it as a weakness, and in the case of couples therapy, the last stepping stone to divorce, so he's afraid to go.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

It sounds like a fixable situation if you both are willing to come together and do the work that needs to be done. Talk with a doctor about some depression meds, maybe something mild to start off with. Not sure where you live but with winter/cold weather approaching and the days shorter now, it might be good to invest in one of those light therapy lamps as well.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Sounds like you can use a mini mommy vacation several times a week. I get that impression from the fact that you like going to the grocery store with out baby in tow.
Even if you are not a very social person there are still many things that you can do out side the house, with out the baby, that will help. Try finding some one you trust to watch your baby a couple times a week for a few hours then head out to the bookstore or even to go shopping, see a movie by your self in theater (not just run errands like grocery shopping) Also plan some dates with your husband at least once a week to give you couple time.
I will be very honest right now. After my second child was born (and it happened with my first, but on a smaller scale) I did not want to have sex at all with my H because I never wanted to get pregnant again. My pregnancies were very hard on me physically and I did have postpartum after (I suffer depression to start with). But the idea of him touching me made my skin crawl because I some how had connected all the hard parts of the pregnancy, being severally ill, bed rest, pains, you name it, to the act that got me there. Even to this day I freak out sometimes that I am going to end up once again in the pregnancy hell if I have sex, even though we are very careful and using several types of birth control. 
Now I do not know if that has anything to do with what you are feeling and facing.
95% of beating depression is just getting out of bed, dressed, and leaving the house. If you do that and take breaks from the baby, date your husband, as well as continue with IC you are going to be in better shape.


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