# Reconciliation Tips



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

would like to hear from the guys but anyone that has any suggestions would be welcome.

My H & I have been married 31 years. He recently had an affair as he said our life was boring and he was looking for excitement and he thought it was fun. I thought our life was comfortable not boring. Anyway he has held a lot of resentment towards me over the past few years and I think he literally fell out of love for me.

We are trying to work again on our marriage but I find he isn't quite with me emotionally yet. I'm not sure if he is still pining over his OW but I don't know what to do as far as making our life a bit more exciting. Money is an issue for us as he made some bad business decisions that caused the looking elsewhere and excitement to make himself feel better.

I'm afraid to have sex with him as that I'm sure will be boring after the excitement of someone else.

He has never been one to open up emotionally and talk about his feelings. he did attend IC and the counseller told him what he was looking for he could easily find at home if he wanted too.

Should I keep after him to talk to me, should I leave him alone? As men, how would you like your wife to act so you could fall back in love with her again?

Suggestions/comments.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Are you sure the affair is over? You said "recently" - how long ago? Was it emotional, physical or both? Affairs are very hard to kill and even when they're dead they can affect the cheaters head and heart for sometime after. I had an EA. I never once bashed my wife or complained about my marriage. In fact I spent a lot of time telling my AP (affair partner) how happily married I was. I was wrong. I was contentedly married, a big difference it turns out. Post my EA my wife and I both realized that we had been only content, comfortable - and that we missed the excitement of nothing more complicated than simply flirting. This could be what your H means by boring. So now we consciously work at it - a kiss on the back of the neck, a finger slid across the butt as you pass, a suggestive text message - all the things a new flirting couple does. Hell my wife and I had gotten to where we never really kissed anymore before my A, now we kiss all the time. It's just making your relationship a priority, like you would if it was new and it commanded your attention full time. The thing is you can't do it by yourself, it's a two person game, and if his head or heart is still wrapped up with the OW he can't play with you. Assuming he's fully broken his affair and is fully into you then communication is the key - open, honest, communication. His counselor told him right but he has to be willing to find it. If his affair is truly over I would suggest just trying to talk with him. As a wayward spouse he should be willing to listen and work hard and long at whatever you need to reconcile your marriage.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

:iagree:
My wife and I were in a "comfortable" place ourselves a while back. However, we didn't want comfortable, we wanted excitement, desire, anticipation, yearning, that ache you get when your love is not nearby, that flutter when she(or he) is.
What we did was start dating again and really working on making life exciting for the other person.
A quick kiss stolen in public, an ass grab when (you hope) no one is looking, a quickie because the kids won't be home for 30 minutes, a quickie in the car because they are home, etc.
Also, open and completely honest communication of desires and expectations. Tell him what you want. Get him to tell you what he wants.
It's not easy, but I am proof that it can be done if you want it bad enough.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Thanks guys for your responses. The problem I am having is I'm still too wounded I think by the affair to start flirting and such. I never fell out of love with my H but it feels to be so unnatural as we have been married way too long.

I guess I need to do more to spice things up so we don't fall back into the same "boring" exsistence.

As for the affair being over, I don't know 100% and have no real no way of knowing. He could be phoning and texting her all day at work, he owns his own business so can hide a lot from me. I know he is not seeing her as she lives 10 hrs away and yes the affair was both EA/PA.

Thank you for your suggestions.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's up to him to make you feel comfortable and reestablish your trust in him and the marriage. I own my own business to and yes he can hide it from you if he wants to, but he can also prove to you that he is not. I gave my wife access to all of my email accounts, facebook, cell phones - everything. Could I have another phone and alternate identities to continue my affair - yes, but I don't. If he puts forth the effort to make you believe he wants to reconcile it's likely genuine. If he puts forth the effort and he's not genuine well then he's a pathological liar and he'll get caught eventually and then you'll know what you've got. 

You can always get a voice activated recorder and GPS tracker and put them in his car. Go spend some time over in the Coping with Infidelity section. You'll hear more than you want to about some of the things it takes for betrayed spouses to reconcile with their waywards. 

I hate to say it but if your not sure it's over and he's not working really hard to A) prove to you that it is, and B) restore your faith in the marriage then odds are better than not that it is not over. 

You should not feel like it is on you to do anything alone to save your marriage. He cheated - not you. You may well have neglected some of his needs but that is never ever an excuse to cheat. If he proves he wants to reconcile and save the marriage, then you can both talk about what you each need to do to improve your marriage. 

Again, I recommend you spend some time in the Coping with Infidelity section.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

^^^
Never mind, just realized how many threads you have in the CWI section. So if you've been over there, you know everything I just said - why are feeling like it is your job to keep his interest as opposed to his to restore your trust and faith in him and the marriage?


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Just his comment that he thought our life was boring makes me wonder what I can do to make it not boring for him anymore and more exciting.

I guess if I can spark and keep his interest he doesn't need to get his needs met anywhere else anymore. That is what I was trying to get at.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

*


sigma1299 said:



The thing is you can't do it by yourself, it's a two person game, and if his head or heart is still wrapped up with the OW he can't play with you.

Click to expand...

*

I went and and just skimmed a couple of your threads. It sounds like you've established an acceptable behavior for him in your marriage that, frankly, may be irrecoverable. For several times now he has been allowed to "have his cake and eat it to." 

You can't entertain him into loving and respecting you. Even a Ferrari becomes just a car after enough time. Your handle of "Clinging" maybe says it all??? I hate to be harsh but it sounds like you need to find the respect you have for yourself first before you start to worry about his needs. I have not read all of your threads by any stretch so if I'm off base please accept my apologies.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Clinging said:


> Thanks guys for your responses. The problem I am having is I'm still too wounded I think by the affair to start flirting and such. I never fell out of love with my H but it feels to be so unnatural as we have been married way too long.
> 
> I guess I need to do more to spice things up so we don't fall back into the same "boring" exsistence.


There's no "too long". My wife and I rekindled our love and rebuilt our marriage after 26 years of being married.



Clinging said:


> As for the affair being over, I don't know 100% and have no real no way of knowing. He could be phoning and texting her all day at work, he owns his own business so can hide a lot from me. I know he is not seeing her as she lives 10 hrs away and yes the affair was both EA/PA.


It is up to him to convince you and rebuild that trust. It's not your job to find it.


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