# How do I trust again?



## Laura2018 (Jan 4, 2018)

I have never posted before, so please bear with me. I feel very sad and alone right now. 

I have known my husband for 30 years (just as an acquaintance.. friend of friends), until we starting dating 3 years ago. I knew he had a past and made mistakes, but so have I. We have both been married before (me once, him multiple times) to addicts and manipulators. But we decided to start over, forget the past and (finally) have a healthy relationship.

The problem is my husband's ex-girlfriend (M). This woman is beyond immoral. A long time ago (before my husband and I were dating), she had an affair with him. She was married and pregnant with her husband's child. My husband was going through a divorce at the time, but finally came to his senses (breaking it off when she would not leave her husband).

Years go by and this woman (M) hunts down my husband and decides that she wants to be "friends" with him. She came and saw him a few times, but then moved to Maine. They continued a long distance friendship through calls, texts and emails. 

When I started living with my husband (he was just a boyfriend, at the time), I told him that I was uncomfortable with that friendship. I felt that this woman has/had no morals and no boundaries. I have no problem with my husband having female friends. I know most of them, and see that those relationships are JUST platonic. But, I knew what happened with M (from him and from joint friends from the past) and I did not trust her or her motives. We had a long talk and he agreed to delete M from his contacts.

A few months go by and M starts texting him. The texts (on the surface) seem "harmless" and he didn't answer, or gave very short answers. He told me about it when it happened, and did not initiate contact with her (as far as I know). This happens on and off for about a year. 

Then we get married (May 2017). We talked about leaving the past in the past and concentrating on our new life together. We committed to honesty and fidelity. We promised to put each other and our marriage first. 

The next time M texted was in Nov 2017. It was some lame excuse to get him to talk to her. I had finally had enough and told him that she "wasn't getting the hint." I asked him to finally end it. I told him CLEARLY that this was VERY important to me. He agreed with me and said he understood/shared my feelings. To his credit, he did text her and (very nicely) said that he was now married to me and he needed to say "goodbye" to her. "Wish you all the best and happiness.." etc.

I thought she was gone.. 

But.. a week before Christmas, M's new husband called my husband. M's husband gave my husband a sob story about M being sad about the end of the friendship. "Could my husband please talk with M again?" My husband reported to me (later) that he said he would think about it. 

My husband didn't tell me that M's husband called him.. or about the conversation (until after the next incident). 

A few days after Xmas, my son was sick and my husband offered to go to the store and get him medicine. He was gone for a long time (over an hour to go to the drugstore right down the street). I started to worry that he had gotten into an accident or something. 

When he got back, he told me that M had started texting him earlier that day, and he called her from the car while he was gone. (He deleted all the texts so that I couldn't see them). He said that he told M that he would talk to me about allowing him to be friends with her.

(This is when he told me about the husband conversation a week before).

I went ballistic.. 

We fought all night. I told him I was upset because he lied to me and was sneaking around behind my back. I feel like he chose M and her feelings over mine. I told him he was a great "fair weather husband" (Being honest when it was easy, but lying when it was more convenient). 

After talking all night, he told me that he thought that she manipulated him and preyed upon his ego (his wanting to be the "good guy," and a "good friend."). She had mentioned that another wife had made a male friend stop talking to her.. she said people didn't respect her at work.. (sounds like a pattern to me). 

The next day I told him to call M and finish it. He did call her, but she started manipulating again. He didn't stand up to her!! I was SO angry that I took the phone from him and told her to leave him alone. That she had "an inappropriate relationship with my husband, she was a mistake and she had no boundaries". She hung up on me. 

My husband did text her and said.. "I agree with my wife". 

Then M started trying to FB messenger me. I blocked her.

Then, she found my WORK email and emailed me a very hurtful, nasty email (I haven't even changed my last name yet at work). I refrained from calling her the names she deserved, but told her (AGAIN) to leave us alone (and I told her again that she had no boundaries). 

My husband FINALLY said that I was right about her all along. He texted her again and he FINALLY told her to STOP contacting him (he did not want to be her friend anymore). I got to read these texts. 

I still got 2 more emails from her on my work email that day .. I ignored them. 

That was a few days ago..

I feel betrayed. I feel angry and depressed. I have lost 7 lbs in the last week. I have no appetite and I don't sleep well. I know I have "trust issues" from my past, but my husband knew this too. I divorced my first husband because of his lies. 

How do I ever trust my husband again? I know that this particular woman is probably now gone (because I got rid of her), but what happens when there is another opportunity for him to do the "easy" thing and lie? He said that he has changed and he would never do anything like this again, but he said (before) that he wouldn't talk to her and he lied. He said that (before this last incident) he thought I was just over-reacting and she was harmless. He says he NOW believes that she is a bad person and could hurt our relationship (because she did). He says he knows that he was wrong. 

I love him, but I think that he was too easily manipulated. I don't trust that he cares about my feelings. I don't trust that he will tell me the truth. 

Thank you for reading this. Please tell me what you think. He may never be "tested" again, or he may be tested next week. This was the first big test of his loyalty, honesty, and commitment to me, and he failed.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think there is little to no chance that a woman's husband would call the woman's ex lover and ask the ex-lover to re-establish communication with his wife because she is sad that their communication had ended.

She manipulates your husband because he allows her to do so.

If he were serious, and it only seems he gets serious enough to agree with you when you put your foot down, he would have blocked her from his cell phone. It's easily done and he can call the provider if he does not know how.

He may care about your feelings enough to agree with you, but not enough to give up his chance at a little approbation from a former flame.

I am not sure how you begin to trust him because, as you said, this ended because YOU ended it. You do not want to be his mother or gatekeeper, and yet by not allowing him to succeed or fail at this on his own, that is exactly what you have become.

Interested to hear what others think you should do. I seem to have nothing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Get the book Not Just Friends and read it. Your husband is not being manipulated he just has poor boundaries and likes the attention. Don't trust him, he has repeatedly shown he doesn't deserve it when it comes to this woman, contact her husband if she still has one an make sure he knows about this, show him the emails. Trust should be earned.

Tell him to post on here and we will tell him for you.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

M will be the death of your marriage if this isn't shut down now and hard. I don't think it is. It's just on the back burner until the heat is off. This woman is a huge threat to your marriage and can wrap your hubby around her little finger when she wants.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> M will be the death of your marriage if this isn't shut down now and hard. I don't think it is. It's just on the back burner until the heat is off. This woman is a huge threat to your marriage and can wrap your hubby around her little finger when she wants.


I completely disagree. The threat to this marriage is the husband.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

NickyT said:


> I completely disagree. The threat to this marriage is the husband.


True but he's an idiot that thinks with his little head. He's a weak male powerless to say "NO" to a strong female and this other woman is a strong female going after what she wants. In a situation like this you have to kill the leader and then the followers will follow.


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## Laura2018 (Jan 4, 2018)

I absolutely agree with you. She needs to go. I have thought this from the beginning and was very clear about it.

I do think there is an 80% chance she is gone (since I told her off), but she might rear her ugly head again. I am on my guard, and he says that he will tell me immediately if she (or anyone associated with her) tries to contact him. 

M is a master manipulator and is very good at pushing his buttons. I did talk to her (personally) and read the emails she sent me. She is very good at twisting things. Her husband is probably manipulated too. Who else would have her husband call her former lover?? (I know if is hard to believe that he actually called, but she mentioned it too..).

But.. my husband allowed himself to be manipulated.. 

The big question is.. what do I do now? My husband is (typically) a good man. He is a good provider, he is attentive and affectionate, and he is wonderful to my son (from my former husband). I love him more than I thought possible. I don't want to leave him. But, I don't feel like I can trust him (when he is put to the test).


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Trust is extremely difficult to regain which is why many couples divorce sooner or later. You will have to deal with being suspicious when he does anything out of the normal. Does he go on business trips. I was on the road 3 months of every year and the guys and girls I travelled with cheated a lot, even every boss I ever had.

My ex fiancé and the girlfriend after her cheated on me and I refused to stay with them even though they gave me stories that minimized what they really were doing. How do you trust someone who has proven that they are untrustworthy? How do you believe someone who supposedly loves you and is an admitted liar? What is interesting when you study why people cheat, a lot of the time it is because they are unhappy in their marriage but afraid to divorce. Getting caught in an affair forces them to do what they really wanted to do all along. The problem is when your spouse does not want to divorce you after she or he catches you. Then you are back to square one and most likely will cheat again hoping to destroy your marriage. Some guys, like me, are just not capable of being monogamous. Others need an ego boost when they are not feeling good about themselves. Typically a spouse will stop telling the other how sexy they are and takes things for granted when you should be acting like you did during courtship. Guys start to view their wives as mothers rather than hot sexy women after a child is born. Spouses gain weight and are no longer attractive to some. All sorts of reasons why married people cheat.

All I know is that the two girls who cheated on me went on to cheat on boyfriends and husbands. I gave up on monogamy after that and started to date married women and what was surprising is that they were like pros at cheating. Most were caught once or twice but guys will believe anything they are told rather than have to face the truth that their wives loved and made love to other guys. They rather believe it was just a drunken night of sex with their wife not even having an orgasm. They grasp at straws but not me. I did not have a monogamous marriage. My wife is bi and I do not have a vagina and since we both wanted girls it worked out well for us but we shared girls and did not date them without the other. We both got our cake and ate it too but avoided all the sneaking around and lies that go into cheating. Some think a cheater can change his/her ways by talking to a therapist. Others say once a cheater, always a cheater. Although both are true I think the latter is more common. I have never met a cheater who never cheated again. I studied marriage in college. They actually had courses in it and one of the things we learned was that unless the cheater takes full responsibility for cheating and does not try to deflect all or some of the blame on his/her spouse, there is a chance that there will be no more cheating. If your husband is trying to partially blame you or make excuses, the odds are against you. Good luck though.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> True but he's an idiot that thinks with his little head. He's a weak male powerless to say "NO" to a strong female and this other woman is a strong female going after what she wants. In a situation like this you have to kill the leader and then the followers will follow.


You are spot on that he is weak - his wife is also very strong. But....if HE has to see that his behavior is ruining the trust in the marriage because there are women everywhere. M is a symptom, not the disease. 

OP, your husband needs to understand what he has done to the trust in your marriage, and he needs to know in real terms what the consequences of his behavior could be. Also, you seem to think this is your battle to fight. It is not. It is your husband's battle to fight, and he is not doing his job. Ask him what he would want you to do if the situations were reversed. Tell him you expect him to do that at a minimum. He needs to understand that he is no longer dealing with this woman, he is dealing with someone who wants to take his marriage and his life from him.


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## Laura2018 (Jan 4, 2018)

The ironic thing is that my ex-boyfriend contacted me right before our wedding (he said he was in some sort of crisis). 

I immediately showed the text to my husband and asked his opinion. He told me it was bs (he "didn't trust the guy"), but to talk to him.

I talked to the ex (realized quickly that "the crisis" was bs) and then told him what a wonderful man I was marrying, and how I was never happier. I went on and on about "my wonderful future husband." I told the ex that I was done with him. 

The ex has not contacted me again. 

WHY couldn't my husband have done the same??? 

I reminded my husband of this when we were fighting..


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Laura2018 said:


> The ironic thing is that my ex-boyfriend contacted me right before our wedding (he said he was in some sort of crisis).
> 
> I immediately showed the text to my husband and asked his opinion. He told me it was bs (he "didn't trust the guy"), but to talk to him.
> 
> ...


Because he does not want to let go of her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Laura2018 said:


> The ironic thing is that my ex-boyfriend contacted me right before our wedding (he said he was in some sort of crisis).
> 
> I immediately showed the text to my husband and asked his opinion. He told me it was bs (he "didn't trust the guy"), but to talk to him.
> 
> ...


It's not ironic it's a double standard. It proves he knows better.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

Honestly, I don't know that you ever can trust him. He has demonstrated that he has poor boundaries. I mean the only way you could ever know that he will hold his boundaries is for him to be challenged, and I don't recommend that. 

It sucks, but he has demonstrated to you who he is. Can you live with it? If you want to make your marriage work, I suggest the both of you going to marriage counseling to address boundaries. And you are going to always have to pay attention to his relationships with women.


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