# Greetings all



## Willis84

New member here. Hoping to get some incite through this forum. Sorry in advance for such a long post. Got a lot going through my mind.

Marital issues are tough. Wife has changed drastically in the past two weeks. I don’t even know who she is anymore. Been married for 10 years. Lived together for 12 years. Have 1 child together plus she has 2 from a previous marriage. We’ve been through hell together and put each other through hell a few times. This time, I don’t know if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

Things haven’t really been that good for a few years. I regrettably became addicted to pain meds that were prescribed to me. Went down a dark path as a result. At the same time, my wife developed a cocaine and Benzo habit. During her time of drug addiction, she was cheating on me by trading her body to her dealer in exchange for the drug. I have a very strong belief in honesty and loyalty especially when it comes to being married. She blamed my addiction for her choices. A part of me wanted to leave and end the marriage because of the betrayal but I love her far too much plus there are children involved. She agreed to get off the drugs and be focused on our relationship and a few months later, I began MAT therapy and counseling and got off the pain meds.

I am still haunted in my mind by her betrayal. I don’t feel our marriage has the connection we once had. I’ve told her many times over the last 2 years that I didn’t feel happy and that things felt very different. I told her that I missed my wife. Things have been stable since drugs were put in the past but really, I’ve been emotionally non existent. I don’t feel like she is in love with me anymore or at least not like she used to be. Up until recently, our sex life remained pretty active but to me it has felt like we lack the emotional connection we used to have.

For the past 5-6 weeks, I have been real sick from severe gastritis where I’ve practically been bed-ridden and felt like I was fighting for survival. As a result, I have been unable to be sexually active. 2 weeks ago on a Monday, I had an emotional breakdown and told my wife about all my mistakes that I’ve made over the years, admitted to all my faults, expressed my concerns and my goals for giving us all a better life. 4 days later, I was feeling somewhat okay from the gastritis so I told my wife I wanted to spend some quality time together that night. Unfortunately because of being so sick and not sleeping much, I fell asleep shortly before the kids went to bed. Woke up the next morning not feeling good at all.

I apologized to my wife for passing out the night before and that I will make up for it when I am healed and back to my normal self. A couple hours later she takes off to go up to the cable company to return an old modem. She texts me and says “I wrote you a letter I need you to read”. In the letter she says she’s taking off for the weekend because she needed space. Took the words from my emotional breakdown and used them as her own feelings saying that she wasn’t happy with me and listed all the faults and mistakes I admitted to as the reasoning.

She returned Sunday night a completely different person. Absolutely no emotion towards me at all. Said she didn’t feel comfortable naked around me or sleeping in the same bed. For the next 5 days, she was very snippy. If I asked a simple question, she would spend 20 mins attacking me. Putting me down, calling me names, just basically doing whatever would hurt me or so it seemed anyway.

Even through our bad times, she’s always been nice to me and talked civil and respectful with me and showed her true emotion when conversations became serious until now. 4 days later, she said she needed to leave for a week because she needed space and time to think. She changed overnight and I don’t know where to go from here.

Tomorrow marks the day she is set to return from her 1 week getaway and I fear things are gonna be much the same as they were before she left. I love her to death even after all the stuff we’ve put each other through but the way she’s been treating me the last couple weeks is hurting me so much that it’s making me want to not be around her at all. I want so badly to fix this mess but I’m lost and need some advice


----------



## AmericanMama

Hello Iam new here. Left my marriage of 10yrs


----------



## Andy1001

Willis84 said:


> New member here. Hoping to get some incite through this forum. Sorry in advance for such a long post. Got a lot going through my mind.
> 
> Marital issues are tough. Wife has changed drastically in the past two weeks. I don’t even know who she is anymore. Been married for 10 years. Lived together for 12 years. Have 1 child together plus she has 2 from a previous marriage. We’ve been through hell together and put each other through hell a few times. This time, I don’t know if there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
> 
> Things haven’t really been that good for a few years. I regrettably became addicted to pain meds that were prescribed to me. Went down a dark path as a result. At the same time, my wife developed a cocaine and Benzo habit. During her time of drug addiction, she was cheating on me by trading her body to her dealer in exchange for the drug. I have a very strong belief in honesty and loyalty especially when it comes to being married. She blamed my addiction for her choices. A part of me wanted to leave and end the marriage because of the betrayal but I love her far too much plus there are children involved. She agreed to get off the drugs and be focused on our relationship and a few months later, I began MAT therapy and counseling and got off the pain meds.
> 
> I am still haunted in my mind by her betrayal. I don’t feel our marriage has the connection we once had. I’ve told her many times over the last 2 years that I didn’t feel happy and that things felt very different. I told her that I missed my wife. Things have been stable since drugs were put in the past but really, I’ve been emotionally non existent. I don’t feel like she is in love with me anymore or at least not like she used to be. Up until recently, our sex life remained pretty active but to me it has felt like we lack the emotional connection we used to have.
> 
> For the past 5-6 weeks, I have been real sick from severe gastritis where I’ve practically been bed-ridden and felt like I was fighting for survival. As a result, I have been unable to be sexually active. 2 weeks ago on a Monday, I had an emotional breakdown and told my wife about all my mistakes that I’ve made over the years, admitted to all my faults, expressed my concerns and my goals for giving us all a better life. 4 days later, I was feeling somewhat okay from the gastritis so I told my wife I wanted to spend some quality time together that night. Unfortunately because of being so sick and not sleeping much, I fell asleep shortly before the kids went to bed. Woke up the next morning not feeling good at all.
> 
> I apologized to my wife for passing out the night before and that I will make up for it when I am healed and back to my normal self. A couple hours later she takes off to go up to the cable company to return an old modem. She texts me and says “I wrote you a letter I need you to read”. In the letter she says she’s taking off for the weekend because she needed space. Took the words from my emotional breakdown and used them as her own feelings saying that she wasn’t happy with me and listed all the faults and mistakes I admitted to as the reasoning.
> 
> She returned Sunday night a completely different person. Absolutely no emotion towards me at all. Said she didn’t feel comfortable naked around me or sleeping in the same bed. For the next 5 days, she was very snippy. If I asked a simple question, she would spend 20 mins attacking me. Putting me down, calling me names, just basically doing whatever would hurt me or so it seemed anyway.
> 
> Even through our bad times, she’s always been nice to me and talked civil and respectful with me and showed her true emotion when conversations became serious until now. 4 days later, she said she needed to leave for a week because she needed space and time to think. She changed overnight and I don’t know where to go from here.
> 
> Tomorrow marks the day she is set to return from her 1 week getaway and I fear things are gonna be much the same as they were before she left. I love her to death even after all the stuff we’ve put each other through but the way she’s been treating me the last couple weeks is hurting me so much that it’s making me want to not be around her at all. I want so badly to fix this mess but I’m lost and need some advice


She’s cheating again.


----------



## bobert

Willis84 said:


> *She blamed my addiction for her choices.* A part of me wanted to leave and end the marriage because of the betrayal but I love her far too much plus there are children involved. She agreed to get off the drugs and be focused on our relationship and a few months later,* I began MAT therapy*.


What about her, did start therapy as well? What about marriage counseling? Does she still blame you for her choices? 

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like her faults in the marriage were never properly dealt with. That's not how you reconcile. That's how you rug sweep and set yourself up to bee hurt again... like right now. 

IMO, she's either using again or cheating again. Or both. And you know damn well she will blame it all on you and your health (which is a load of BS, btw).


----------



## Willis84

I accepted blame for a long time but then I woke up and realized that it wasn’t my fault. It was her choice. She never got help for her habits. She quit on her own. She says she’s open to marriage counseling and that she wants to fix the problems in our marriage but she’s not making any efforts to work on anything. It bothers me that I never made her accept responsibility for her own negative actions and yet, I’m the problem. I’m the one who always has to change. What about her faults? When is the issues partly her fault? I can’t possibly be the sole problem within the relationship. She makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. The people she associates with are not exactly model citizens either. She’s subjected my kids to dozens of negative people. Criminals, drug dealers, addicts, pedophiles, etc. 2 of the people she was leaving my kids with are now doing life in prison for child rape. Now my youngest son is constantly around some weird creep that I swear is gonna be another one of those. I need to get him away from there but I don’t know how to. She sees nothing wrong with the situation


----------



## jlg07

YOU are not to blame AT ALL for her cheating -- not THEN and not NOW. SHE is the one who chose to cheat on you.
You own YOUR part in the marriage, she owns HERs. She used YOUR honesty against you.
You need to document who she is leaving the kids with. WHEN you get divorced from this awful person, you can use that in custody hearings so that she only gets supervised visits.

If you need proof, do the typical -- check her phone, use a VAR to record any phone conversations she may have (her car, a room where she goes to talk, etc.), hire a PI.
Do you know where she actually went? Can you check your CC to see if she went to a hotel?

It's GOOD you don't want to be around her - you are starting to detach which you need to do. Honestly she sounds awful to be married to.


----------



## farsidejunky

Willis84 said:


> I accepted blame for a long time but then I woke up and realized that it wasn’t my fault. It was her choice. She never got help for her habits. She quit on her own. She says she’s open to marriage counseling and that she wants to fix the problems in our marriage but she’s not making any efforts to work on anything. It bothers me that I never made her accept responsibility for her own negative actions and yet, I’m the problem. I’m the one who always has to change. What about her faults? When is the issues partly her fault? I can’t possibly be the sole problem within the relationship. She makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. The people she associates with are not exactly model citizens either. She’s subjected my kids to dozens of negative people. Criminals, drug dealers, addicts, pedophiles, etc. 2 of the people she was leaving my kids with are now doing life in prison for child rape. Now my youngest son is constantly around some weird creep that I swear is gonna be another one of those. I need to get him away from there but I don’t know how to. She sees nothing wrong with the situation


Your lack of will to hold her accountable for her cheating is exactly what empowered her to continue to blame you for it. 

She needed to be humbled. You did the opposite.

That said, I also think she is cheating again.

But...even if she isn't, is this the type of marriage you envisioned when you exchanged vows?

It is time for you to find your righteous anger, and hold her accountable. This will accelerate the process by revealing whether there is anything left to save.

But if you aren't truly open to ending things as a potential option, don't bother. Without that willingness, accountability is nothing but empty threats. 

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


----------



## sokillme

Like rain is wet, passive men get cheated on.


----------



## SunCMars

You opened up to your wife., 
You admitted guilt, and expected her to admit of hers.

She did not.
But, something in her 'clicked'.
Prior to talking to her, she had a smidgen of guilt herself, ah, it seems that your admission of having faults, erased that guilt.

*You gave her ammunition and more reasons to hate (on) you.*



When someone admits guilt, there cannot be any doubt in the minds of those who already have doubts about that person.
Or, to those who desire that you should be punished (for something).

Honesty is innate, and it is not readily transferable, from one to another.
She is not an honest person.

When you open your heart and soul for others to peer in, and they see things they find contemptible, they will usually act on that contempt.

You got hooked on pain killers, you got off of them.
Shame on you, then, good for you.

She went one further and got hooked on coke and benzos.
These drugs lead the users to extreme behavior.
Her infidelity that followed is all too common. 

The old _monkey on her back._
A real monkey, for sure.

Her brain and common sense has likely been damaged by these drugs. 
Don't be surprised if she is still using 'something'.

.............................................................

On your gastritis......

Are some of the drugs (under the MAT protocol) that the doctors prescribed for you causing this stomach/intestinal upset?

You need to get yourself 100% healthy.

..............................................................

You need to get with your lawyer and divorce this woman.
She is bad news, and a goner.

Discuss with the lawyer the danger your children are in with them being exposed to (the unsavory characters).

Go for sole custody of your kids.


----------



## Willis84

farsidejunky said:


> Your lack of will to hold her accountable for her cheating is exactly what empowered her to continue to blame you for it.
> 
> She needed to be humbled. You did the opposite.
> 
> That said, I also think she is cheating again.
> 
> But...even if she isn't, is this the type of marriage you envisioned when you exchanged vows?
> 
> It is time for you to find your righteous anger, and hold her accountable. This will accelerate the process by revealing whether there is anything left to save.
> 
> But if you aren't truly open to ending things as a potential option, don't bother. Without that willingness, accountability is nothing but empty threats.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


My issue with leaving is that I do still love her even if she may not have the same feelings about me or at least she doesn’t right now. I keep trying to hold on and weather the storm but I don’t know if this storm will ever end. The other reason I hesitate in leaving is because 2 out of 3 children are not my blood. If I divorce, I have no legal rights to them. What type of life would they have without me? For one they would be devastated. The oldest child practically wants nothing to do with her as it is and hasn’t for probably 5-6 years. I know how they would end up living if we split. She will take the kids and go live with her family in a tiny shack in the ghetto of Detroit. She will be even more unstable than she is right now and the people the kids would be subjected to will probably be far worse than who she is subjecting them to now. I keep telling myself as long as I stay, at least the kids have a father. At least they have some sort of stability in their life. I treat them and think of those 2 as my own and I don’t wanna lose them even more than losing her. She chased their biological father away so without me, the only parent they would have is their mother. The oldest child is autistic and nobody seems to understand him or want to be around him. Even his mother treats him like **** most of the time. He would be lost without me for sure 

as for what I envisioned when exchanging vows, no this is definitely not what I envisioned and who she is today is not the person I married. I’m not sure I even know who she is anymore. I may not be the greatest husband or father out there, but I have always had the best intentions and I’ve always made it clear where my loyalty stands. I don’t go out and party. I don’t run with friends all day and night. I wake up, go to work and I come home. The only time I was ever untruthful with my wife was during my addiction to pain meds. I always felt shamed by her so I wouldn’t always be honest about money spent or how many I was taking. Other than that I’ve always been 100% honest with her about everything good or bad.


----------



## bobert

Willis84 said:


> I accepted blame for a long time but then I woke up and realized that it wasn’t my fault. It was her choice. She never got help for her habits. She quit on her own. She says she’s open to marriage counseling and that she wants to fix the problems in our marriage but she’s not making any efforts to work on anything. It bothers me that I never made her accept responsibility for her own negative actions and yet, I’m the problem. I’m the one who always has to change. What about her faults? When is the issues partly her fault? I can’t possibly be the sole problem within the relationship. She makes me feel like an idiot sometimes. The people she associates with are not exactly model citizens either. She’s subjected my kids to dozens of negative people. Criminals, drug dealers, addicts, pedophiles, etc. 2 of the people she was leaving my kids with are now doing life in prison for child rape. Now my youngest son is constantly around some weird creep that I swear is gonna be another one of those. I need to get him away from there but I don’t know how to. She sees nothing wrong with the situation


Her word doesn't mean **** if she won't follow through it. She absolutely needs to get into individual therapy to deal with her cheating, her inability to accept responsibility, and her horrible parenting choices. However, at this point you really need to start protecting your children and stop trying to fix the marriage. 

Why does she have all these opportunities to take the kids around people like this? Is she not working? Doesn't let you take care of the kids? 



Willis84 said:


> The other reason I hesitate in leaving is because 2 out of 3 children are not my blood. If I divorce, I have no legal rights to them. What type of life would they have without me? For one they would be devastated. The oldest child practically wants nothing to do with her as it is and hasn’t for probably 5-6 years. I know how they would end up living if we split. She will take the kids and go live with her family in a tiny shack in the ghetto of Detroit. She will be even more unstable than she is right now and the people the kids would be subjected to will probably be far worse than who she is subjecting them to now. I keep telling myself as long as I stay, at least the kids have a father. At least they have some sort of stability in their life. I treat them and think of those 2 as my own and I don’t wanna lose them even more than losing her. She chased their biological father away so without me, the only parent they would have is their mother. The oldest child is autistic and nobody seems to understand him or want to be around him. Even his mother treats him like **** most of the time. He would be lost without me for sure


Talk to a lawyer. Step-parents (or anyone who has acted as a parent) actually do have rights in many states, especially when the biological father is out of the picture. It may also be an option to adopt the older two, depending on the situation with the father. 

You need to figure out a way to protect these kids. If their mother is putting them in dangerous situations, isn't caring for them properly, and is treating them like ****, then she could lose custody of them. It's not easy but it also wouldn't be the first time. Start keeping a detailed and dated record of everything and talk to a lawyer.


----------



## Willis84

bobert said:


> Her word doesn't mean **** if she won't follow through it. She absolutely needs to get into individual therapy to deal with her cheating, her inability to accept responsibility, and her horrible parenting choices. However, at this point you really need to start protecting your children and stop trying to fix the marriage.
> 
> Why does she have all these opportunities to take the kids around people like this? Is she not working? Doesn't let you take care of the kids?
> 
> 
> Talk to a lawyer. Step-parents (or anyone who has acted as a parent) actually do have rights in many states, especially when the biological father is out of the picture. It may also be an option to adopt the older two, depending on the situation with the father.
> 
> You need to figure out a way to protect these kids. If their mother is putting them in dangerous situations, isn't caring for them properly, and is treating them like ****, then she could lose custody of them. It's not easy but it also wouldn't be the first time. Start keeping a detailed and dated record of everything and talk to a lawyer.


She doesn’t work. She’s had jobs in the past that I got her through my own connections but with all those jobs, she would do great for a year or so then quit. She always uses the excuse that she can’t find a babysitter or kids behavioral issues cause problems within her job or with the pandemic, virtual school interferes with her ability to work. I’m a contractor so my job takes me anywhere in the country. Most of my work is in the Detroit area but about 30-40% of the time, I get sent out of state. My contracts generally take an average of 1-3 weeks so I’m not always able to be home everyday. I’ve had this job for 18 years so long before I met my wife and she knew what she was getting into when she got with me. I hate traveling ever since getting married. It’s been even harder since she started her betrayal. I avoid over the road contracts as much as I possibly can but sometimes I have to travel because I have to get a paycheck especially when I’m the only one working. I’ve been the main financial provider for this family this entire time. My wife when she works, always makes minimum wage. She never leaves the kids with me when she takes off unless I’m around when she leaves and I know she’s leaving so that I can insist that they stay home like right now I have the 2 step kids but the youngest which is my biological is off with some creep that she knows I don’t want around him. If I knew where the guy lived, I would go get my son myself


----------



## bobert

Willis84 said:


> She doesn’t work. She’s had jobs in the past that I got her through my own connections but with all those jobs, she would do great for a year or so then quit. She always uses the excuse that she can’t find a babysitter or kids behavioral issues cause problems within her job or with the pandemic, virtual school interferes with her ability to work. I’m a contractor so my job takes me anywhere in the country. Most of my work is in the Detroit area but about 30-40% of the time, I get sent out of state. My contracts generally take an average of 1-3 weeks so I’m not always able to be home everyday. I’ve had this job for 18 years so long before I met my wife and she knew what she was getting into when she got with me. I hate traveling ever since getting married. It’s been even harder since she started her betrayal. I avoid over the road contracts as much as I possibly can but sometimes I have to travel because I have to get a paycheck especially when I’m the only one working. I’ve been the main financial provider for this family this entire time. My wife when she works, always makes minimum wage. She never leaves the kids with me when she takes off unless I’m around when she leaves and I know she’s leaving so that I can insist that they stay home like right now I have the 2 step kids but the youngest which is my biological is off with some creep that she knows I don’t want around him. If I knew where the guy lived, I would go get my son myself


So she can't work because there is a pandemic, but she can go hang around creeps?

Why won't she tell you where she is and more importantly, your son. I hate to say it but... She is a known cheater, you travel a lot, she is insistent on taking your child to see this man, she won't stop and she won't tell you where she is... There is a possibility he is not your biological child. That could be why she doesn't leave him with you... she and the creepy guy want to have family time instead. I'd recommend doing a DNA test. You can do it at home and you don't need your wife's permission. It sucks, I know (I've done it) but you need to do it.

As a side note, I'd be looking up the signs of child sexual abuse and monitoring VERY carefully. Especially the child with autism. 

If she won't share her location or tell you where she is, then you KNOW she is up to no good. Does she drive? If yes, put a tracker in her car.

If you divorce, there is a good chance you will be responsible for paying alimony and child support for all 3 kids because you have been their sole support. Might as well fight for custody as well, though your job would be a problem and you may have to look for something else that keeps you home.


----------



## Willis84

bobert said:


> So she can't work because there is a pandemic, but she can go hang around creeps?
> 
> Why won't she tell you where she is and more importantly, your son. I hate to say it but... She is a known cheater, you travel a lot, she is insistent on taking your child to see this man, she won't stop and she won't tell you where she is... There is a possibility he is not your biological child. That could be why she doesn't leave him with you... she and the creepy guy want to have family time instead. I'd recommend doing a DNA test. You can do it at home and you don't need your wife's permission. It sucks, I know (I've done it) but you need to do it.
> 
> As a side note, I'd be looking up the signs of child sexual abuse and monitoring VERY carefully. Especially the child with autism.
> 
> If she won't share her location or tell you where she is, then you KNOW she is up to no good. Does she drive? If yes, put a tracker in her car.
> 
> If you divorce, there is a good chance you will be responsible for paying alimony and child support for all 3 kids because you have been their sole support. Might as well fight for custody as well, though your job would be a problem and you may have to look for something else that keeps you home.


I don’t have any doubts about the child being biological. He looks and acts way too much like me. She’s not involved with the creepy guy. This guy just shows up out of nowhere even when me and my wife are not home and takes my son. My wife sees nothing wrong with the fact that this guy is mid 40’s and only hangs around children. He lives in the city, has no significant other or children of his own, has no job though he claims he’s a bounty hunter. He lives next to a ***** house according to one of my step kids. He has lots of firearms also. I question whether he is legally allowed to have those firearms but I don’t know much about the guy at all. Middle child has been to this guys house a couple times but he refuses to go with the guy anywhere. He claims the guy gave him a bad vibe like something bad is gonna happen. Oldest child has never been anywhere with the guy. Oldest child has autism but he says the guy is scary. Youngest child is 11 years old and is easily influenced. Middle child told me this guy who knows nothing about me is telling them he doesn’t like me, I’m a horrible person and that they need to stay away from me. I don’t know who this guy thinks he is but trying to come between a father and his son is not a smart thing to do. I’m trying really hard not to do something crazy here. I don’t like what this guy is doing and I don’t trust him at all


----------



## bobert

Willis84 said:


> I don’t have any doubts about the child being biological. He looks and acts way too much like me. She’s not involved with the creepy guy. This guy just shows up out of nowhere even when me and my wife are not home and takes my son. My wife sees nothing wrong with the fact that this guy is mid 40’s and only hangs around children. He lives in the city, has no significant other or children of his own, has no job though he claims he’s a bounty hunter. He lives next to a *** house according to one of my step kids. He has lots of firearms also. I question whether he is legally allowed to have those firearms but I don’t know much about the guy at all. Middle child has been to this guys house a couple times but he refuses to go with the guy anywhere. He claims the guy gave him a bad vibe like something bad is gonna happen. Oldest child has never been anywhere with the guy. Oldest child has autism but he says the guy is scary. Youngest child is 11 years old and is easily influenced. Middle child told me this guy who knows nothing about me is telling them he doesn’t like me, I’m a horrible person and that they need to stay away from me. I don’t know who this guy thinks he is but trying to come between a father and his son is not a smart thing to do. I’m trying really hard not to do something crazy here. I don’t like what this guy is doing and I don’t trust him at all


_"I’m trying really hard not to do something crazy here."_

No, it's time to knock this off and do something. Your job is to protect your children and I'm sorry, but you're failing. No parent in their right mind would allow this to keep happening.


----------



## SunCMars

bobert said:


> _"I’m trying really hard not to do something crazy here."_
> 
> No, it's time to knock this off and do something. Your job is to protect your children and I'm sorry, but you're failing. No parent in their right mind would allow this to keep happening.


I would normally agree, but this is Detroit, the ghetto, one of the countries _murder cities._

And, the guy is armed to the teeth.

Willis needs to be smart about how he is going to extract and keep safe his children. He needs to ferry him out of the city to a friend or relative. Maybe move out of Detroit himself.

The mother has no money to fight him in court.


----------



## jlg07

Willis84 said:


> I don’t have any doubts about the child being biological. He looks and acts way too much like me. She’s not involved with the creepy guy. This guy just shows up out of nowhere even when me and my wife are not home and takes my son. My wife sees nothing wrong with the fact that this guy is mid 40’s and only hangs around children. He lives in the city, has no significant other or children of his own, has no job though he claims he’s a bounty hunter. He lives next to a *** house according to one of my step kids. He has lots of firearms also. I question whether he is legally allowed to have those firearms but I don’t know much about the guy at all. Middle child has been to this guys house a couple times but he refuses to go with the guy anywhere. He claims the guy gave him a bad vibe like something bad is gonna happen. Oldest child has never been anywhere with the guy. Oldest child has autism but he says the guy is scary. Youngest child is 11 years old and is easily influenced. Middle child told me this guy who knows nothing about me is telling them he doesn’t like me, I’m a horrible person and that they need to stay away from me. I don’t know who this guy thinks he is but trying to come between a father and his son is not a smart thing to do. I’m trying really hard not to do something crazy here. I don’t like what this guy is doing and I don’t trust him at all


Next time he comes and takes your kid when you are not home -- call the cops. This sounds REALLY sketchy and you saying they have nothing going on? Yeah, I seriously doubt that if he is bad mouthing you to the kids - and what POSSIBLE reason could he have for coming over and taking your youngest?
You may want to call the cops anonymously and drop the news about his guns anyway. RECORD all of this stuff.



Willis84 said:


> My issue with leaving is that I do still love her even if she may not have the same feelings about me or at least she doesn’t right now.


I hate to say this but you love the IMAGE of how you see her in your head. The REAL her seems to be quite different and those love goggles have to come off and see how and who she really is.


----------



## Willis84

Just an update to any who may be curious. My wife finally returned home on Saturday. She packed up all her stuff and moved out. I have all the kids so she’s free with no responsibility which she never liked responsibility anyway. I have been paying attention to the bank account and can tell that she’s buying about $70-$80 worth of weed per day and then I noticed she’s doing ATM withdrawals of about $40-$80 per day which leads me to believe she may be back on the cocaine. I hope she can get herself together before something bad happens or she does something she regrets however, I suppose it’s no longer my problem even though I do care about her. I realize I love her but I haven’t been in love with her for years. I just kept trying to hold on for the sake of my kids and a part of me hoped my feelings would grow stronger again. I think the hurt over the years that was inflicted was just far too great. I feel weird after my realization too. I love her but I have resentment towards her. I feel angry yet disappointed and upset with who she has become.
I realize I’m no angel and I made mistakes within the relationship as well. I always had the best of intentions and never did anything to intentionally hurt anyone. At least I never gave up I guess. At least I remained honest and loyal. Perhaps that doesn’t mean much anymore.


----------



## jlg07

IMMEDIATELY get 1/2 of the money of your accounts OUT and put it in one in YOUR NAME ONLY before she runs down all your funds on the drugs. Same with Credit Cards, checking, etc.. Redirect your paycheck to that new account.
Document that SHE has left and you have the kids. Did she contact you AT ALL to let you know she was doing this? Any note? You can't control her, but now you need to be the best YOU you can be for your kids.
YOU may have contributed to marriage issues, but NOT her cheating and drugs. That is on HER.


----------



## Willis84

Y


jlg07 said:


> IMMEDIATELY get 1/2 of the money of your accounts OUT and put it in one in YOUR NAME ONLY before she runs down all your funds on the drugs. Same with Credit Cards, checking, etc.. Redirect your paycheck to that new account.
> Document that SHE has left and you have the kids. Did she contact you AT ALL to let you know she was doing this? Any note? You can't control her, but now you need to be the best YOU you can be for your kids.
> YOU may have contributed to marriage issues, but NOT her cheating and drugs. That is on HER.


Yeah I have a few credit cards that I’m the cardholder name but she has additional cards. I need to deactivate those additional cards and start a new bank account. The only conversation she had with me was to tell me she was moving out and leaving me the kids. 2 are my step kids. 3rd is both of ours but I look at them as all being mine. I’ve raised them since the oldest was 1 year old and 2nd was 1 month old. They’re teenagers now. I have my belief that she may be seeing someone else but I’m not sure. Not that it matters anymore anyway. She has been with at least 3 others that I know of throughout our marriage though she only admits to 1. This whole thing seems like a scam to me too. As of a few months ago we have been married 10 years. State law here says spouse is entitled to alimony after 10 years of marriage so that seems well timed. I should’ve left her years ago when I started feeling like the marriage was done.


----------



## TJW

Willis84 said:


> She doesn’t work.


Well, guess what ? The bible says that those who won't work, shouldn't eat.... Draw a HARD line. Force her to prove that she is unable to work to the satisfaction of the court. I think that, by RIGHT, she is not really entitled to your support. You have the kids. Make sure your lawyer goes after child support for all of them.



jlg07 said:


> Document that SHE has left and you have the kids.


Exactly. Get the meanest, son-of-a-*****, barracuda lawyer you can find, cancel any and all credit cards she has any access to, privatize ALL money you receive after she abandoned you and her children, and your child.


----------



## TJW

Duplicated post removed by TJW


----------



## Willis84

Felt I should give y’all an update since it’s been a while and a lot of things have happened in the past few weeks. Since my wife moved out, I found out that she’s been with someone else. She started seeing him 2 years ago though she denies it’s been that long. I found this out through one of her friends that had an issue with what she’s doing. She was caught in sexual act with this guy by her friends 12 year old daughter who is now traumatized. This daughter also happens to be best friends with the oldest child. My wife is no longer friends with the girls mother as a result. The guy was a roommate of her friend but he got thrown out as a result of this. My wife is definitely on drugs without question. She has come by a couple times to see the kids for a few mins and every time she runs straight to my bathroom and I can hear her snorting cocaine plus I can see it in her eyes. It’s very obvious.

About a week ago, she asked if she could come take the kids out for dinner which I agreed. I found out after they returned, she introduced the kids to this guy as her friend. The 2 older kids knew the truth even though she claimed him as a friend. The 2 kids ended up explaining to the youngest child what was really going on which devastated him. She is now working for the same company and on the same shift as this guy. They are living together at her brothers house until they can find a place. I did some research and found that he is an ex-heroin addict. I’m not sure if he has relapsed or not. I’m told by her friend that this guy has hepatitis from sharing needles which leaves me to believe she could be infected as well. She expressed that once she secured a permanent residence she plans to take all 3 kids. As of right now, none of them want to live with her. They all say they don’t like her new man, they don’t trust him and they don’t want to be around him. They are very upset and angry with their mother for all of this.

I have contacted an attorney and I am supposed to meet with them on Thursday for a consultation to see what my options are. All 3 kids want to live with me but with the 2 older kids not legally mine, I’m not sure if that’s an option but I told them I would find out if I can fight for them.

I have been seeing a therapist which also sees my wife and kids. This therapist has scheduled a couples session for tomorrow through zoom where they want me to confront my wife on how I feel about everything and not hold back. I’m not one to fight or argue or degrade so I always hold back my true feelings to keep the peace. I’m afraid that by truly expressing my feelings, it could make this whole situation worse.

she called me earlier today telling me she’s taking the youngest child on Thursday and keeping him until Sunday and asked if I’m going to bring him to her or if she needs to send people to get him. I expressed that I’m not comfortable with her taking him like that considering she’s living with this guy and she claims she will not have him around my son. I’m also concerned about her drug addiction and I really don’t want that around my kids. This would be her 3rd attempt to take the child overnight. The last 2 attempts, I made up an excuse such as we had plans to do something, etc because when she showed up wanting to take him, she was extremely strung out from the drugs and I didn’t feel he would be safe. She has not once tried to take the other 2 kids overnight which seems very strange to me as if maybe she’s trying to get the youngest away from me or possibly convince him to not want to be with me or something. I just feel there’s a scam going on here with this and it makes me very nervous.

She’s currently staying in a crime ridden neighborhood in Detroit andis trying to establish permanent residence in the same area which I don’t want my kids subjected to those dangers. I have provided them a good stable home in a rural area far north of the city where they don’t ever have to worry about crime and safety. They have all pointed out that they get along better and feel happier with her not around. They don’t have to deal with her constantly yelling and screaming at them anymore. I’m really hoping this attorney will have some good news to tell me


----------



## jlg07

Wow this sucks -- you DEF need to protect the kids. You may in fact want to, as part of a custody agreement, have her drug tested and if she fails, she can ONLY get supervised visits. I think right now a legal custody agreement is most important, so talk to the lawyer about something like this. You can also see if you can add that NO new people can be introduced to them (including the POSOM) for 6 months after the divorce type of thing -- your lawyer should know about this also. You want to make sure this lawyer is a shark and will work hard for you with the kids and keeping her away from them unsupervised. See if they can get affidavits from the kids about not feeling safe with him.

If she snorts coke while at your house, why not call the cops on her? Again, ask the lawyer -- and keep all this documented.

She MAY want the youngest so that YOU have to provide child support to her (so she can use if for drugs). 

I think Child services could also get involved to do a home check to make sure it's safe for the kids (and I bet that will fail) You also don't want them to have to change schools from where they reside now.
How old are the kids? Based on age they may in fact have some input on where they want to live.

Also there should be no "send people to get him" -- who are these "people"? BS -- you don't just hand your kids over to random people.
You should also document that she is living with this guy (get a PI to do this so you can use it in your custody/Divorce proceedings).


----------



## Willis84

jlg07 said:


> Wow this sucks -- you DEF need to protect the kids. You may in fact want to, as part of a custody agreement, have her drug tested and if she fails, she can ONLY get supervised visits. I think right now a legal custody agreement is most important, so talk to the lawyer about something like this. You can also see if you can add that NO new people can be introduced to them (including the POSOM) for 6 months after the divorce type of thing -- your lawyer should know about this also. You want to make sure this lawyer is a shark and will work hard for you with the kids and keeping her away from them unsupervised. See if they can get affidavits from the kids about not feeling safe with him.
> 
> If she snorts coke while at your house, why not call the cops on her? Again, ask the lawyer -- and keep all this documented.
> 
> She MAY want the youngest so that YOU have to provide child support to her (so she can use if for drugs).
> 
> I think Child services could also get involved to do a home check to make sure it's safe for the kids (and I bet that will fail) You also don't want them to have to change schools from where they reside now.
> How old are the kids? Based on age they may in fact have some input on where they want to live.
> 
> Also there should be no "send people to get him" -- who are these "people"? BS -- you don't just hand your kids over to random people.
> You should also document that she is living with this guy (get a PI to do this so you can use it in your custody/Divorce proceedings).


kids are 11, 12 and 13. I thought about having her drug tested but cocaine is cleared out in only a couple days from urinalysis so unless hair follicle test is used, drug test won’t do any good. I also thought about PI although I’m sure that’s pretty expensive also. The lawyer I contacted specializes in men’s rights so I’m hoping they will fight hard for me. If hair follicle is possible in court, I will absolutely request it since that goes back 90 days . As fir sending people to get my son, she was referring to her brother which I can’t stand him. The middle child admitted to me a couple days ago that he watched his mother put stuff up her nose the last time he was there and also her brother is a felon who spent time in federal prison and has more than a dozen guns and also sells a lot of drugs out of his house. Not the place for children to be


----------



## jlg07

Willis84 said:


> kids are 11, 12 and 13. I thought about having her drug tested but cocaine is cleared out in only a couple days from urinalysis so unless hair follicle test is used, drug test won’t do any good. I also thought about PI although I’m sure that’s pretty expensive also. The lawyer I contacted specializes in men’s rights so I’m hoping they will fight hard for me. If hair follicle is possible in court, I will absolutely request it since that goes back 90 days . As fir sending people to get my son, she was referring to her brother which I can’t stand him. The middle child admitted to me a couple days ago that he watched his mother put stuff up her nose the last time he was there and also her brother is a felon who spent time in federal prison and has more than a dozen guns and also sells a lot of drugs out of his house. Not the place for children to be


You HAVE to make sure the lawyer gets all this from the kids -- I'm sure social services wouldn't allow her free visitation.
As for the PI, I don't imagine it would be that expensive to just verify where she is living and WHO she is living with, but I don't know for sure -- maybe call around to find out?
If you need the hair follicle test for the custody, then make sure your lawyer goes for it.
If you KNOW that he sells drugs out of his house, and already has a record, perhaps an anonymous call to the authorities is required? if SHE is doing drugs, maybe they have them at that apartment? No reason to not make their life more difficult esp. if it helps you in the divorce (it's war at this point, so....)


----------

