# What is seduction to you?



## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Hello ladies,

One of the threads in the sex forum got me to thinking. What is seduction to you?

I have never been the most romantic type with words, etc but I do try to be flirty, playful, what have you. But that is usually met with disdain or a laugh off.

As an example. We have been doing P90 together lately and of course my comment is "Hey the kids are at school and I am home today, great day for naked P90!" Which is met with something like "Yeah so you can see my floppy t*ts, etc". Now obviously naked P90 isn't really practical but any time I try to play with her like that her comments are negative. Not mean, just almost like she intentionally tries to kill the thought.

She doesn't like frank dirty talk so I can't sext with her. So where do I draw the line? How can I tease her mind a little without her being so negative about it?

Thanks!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Please excuse my ignorance but what is a P90? In your example, her comeback almost sounds similar to your half asking for some play. She in turn was half replying to show you her breasts. The term p90 doesn't sound all that erotic in this context. (even thuogh I have no idea what it means). 


I feel seducing is more of a coming on cause you "*want*" and "*desire*" your partner, there is an* intensity *about the matter, no asking about it, but passion fully present with eyes that tell the whole story when she looks into them, she should feel a longing for her. 

It is not so much light hearted with a question mark hoping she will come your way but a "oh honey, I am SO into you right now, have been missing you all day" type of feeling- needing to be expressed in words , showing a bodily urgency that you need to have her NOW. With a rubbing up against her, a pushing her down romantically.

Sometimes sex may be the last thing on our minds, but a coming on like this can take us by sweet surprise- and she will fall under your spell ~~ your passion fueling her passion. 

Starting with some affection to gauge her mood, your hands around her waist, a kissing on the neck, hands moving further up possiby, whatever she LIKES- glances to see the pleasure on her face, if it is there, more kissing, roamning hands going to some of these hotter zones, a whisering in her ears all the things you have been waiting to do to her, Teasing all way to the finish. 

For me, THIS is seduction. Many women will fall under such a spell. Need to not be afraid or even question your ability to bring her to these places though, she wants to feel your passion. (or she should!!). 

I realize this sounds easy , if your wife is a cold fish or you are having issues, might not go so well, but a shame, this is what romance novels are made of and it works for most of us !


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Hello ladies,
> 
> One of the threads in the sex forum got me to thinking. What is seduction to you?
> 
> ...


I think suggesting naked p90 is flirty...kind of like when i would suggest to my husband that we play naked wii sports
or play naked pool...naked guitar hero...anything naked


but her idea of flirty might be more conservative. maybe send her a text telling her that you miss her soft skin or you love her sweet scent...erotic but not filthy.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

SA,

P90 is an exercise program.  Believe me I try the "I want you now" or rubbing on her stuff all the time, that never works.

WhiteRabbit,

I have tried less suggestive texts and even leaving little notes in her truck or on the fridge. Seems to get me nowhere.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

No wonder your name is "frustr8hubby". Why is your wife so cold to you? Do you ever try to discuss it with her?

Seduction means romance to me, along with the urgency. My husband seduces me by sending dirty emails and pulling me away from whatever I'm doing to have sex.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> WhiteRabbit,
> 
> I have tried less suggestive texts and even leaving little notes in her truck or on the fridge. Seems to get me nowhere.


bummer does she have a low self esteem that would keep her from being able to accept your praise and advances? the floppy boobies comment makes me feel like she doesn't feel sexy and it's really keeping her from getting in the mood.

it isn't your job to make her feel sexy.it's your job to supplement the sexiness she already feels for herself...you can't just create a self esteem for her. does that make sense? if she can't feel sexy on her own then nothing you do will ever make her respond in a positive way.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

She has a horrible body image yes, and it drives me nuts because she has a great body for a 43 year old woman with three kids.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> She has a horrible body image yes, and it drives me nuts because she has a great body for a 43 year old woman with three kids.


i'm not going to say stop trying to make her feel good bc that's probably not the best course of action. but your efforts will continue falling into thin air. if she can't get over her low self image she can't be receptive to your praise and sexual flirting.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

did you ever hear the expression "if you want to be heard, whisper"? that's what seduction is.


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

Rap "Ice Ice Baby" in her ear, worked for me! lol


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

That would not be seductive to me in any way. I'd consider it playful and almost funny but not seductive.

Seductive takes more work in my opinion and is not nearly as blunt as sexts and naked P90. If you master seduction I think she will be more likely to respond to sext'ing and P90 naked ideas.

For seduction I think there has to be subtle conflict and intense emotions built up to create a sense of sexual friction. 

An example: If your wife had interaction with any man. Say you're at the grocery store and she gets help from the clerk and you comment on how he is checking her out. If this happened you could say something along the lines of, "Why was that guy checking you out?"

Now she might feel that you're being ridiculous but your slight jealousy and notice of her as a woman will stir emotions for her. Then you can follow your comment up with a physical touch of some sort. A light slap on the bum or an arm around her waist (arm around her waist if she's not use to a lot of physical touch from you) and then say, "You're mine." -or if this is too much for her- you can say something jokingly but firm in the form of a question but said as a statement...like, "Doesn't he know you're mine." Then let it go.

Now later on that evening you can re-bring up the emotions you stirred and have it lead to more physical touch. So you say something like, "Why do you look so good in those *fill in the blank with whatever she was wearing that you found attractive during the day*? 

Make eye contact with her and say something along the lines of (again, not in a serious psycho voice but rather a joking, serious/possibly not serious voice, "I don't think it's fair that you give me a hard on like that and do nothing about it."

If she's responding well you can place her hand on your ****. She may not submit to you and instead will look confused or give you a similar reaction as to what you got from P90 which is why you have to continually build the seduction with small conversations like the one you had in the grocery store until she feels as if she is a Sex Goddess who can fulfill your every whim and wants to. 

If you're just starting out you will have to take it slow and use her responses as your guides. The more subtle you are to begin with, the better her response.

Seduction is about making the other person feel intense, not made to feel self conscious. Unless you have all the aspects in play you will continue to get your wife's feedback to your suggestions to mimic those of a woman who feels insecure with her own body and has no idea why you'd be interested.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i'm not going to say stop trying to make her feel good bc that's probably not the best course of action. but your efforts will continue falling into thin air. if she can't get over her low self image she can't be receptive to your praise and sexual flirting.


Whoa!! STOP IN THE NAME OF LOVE!!!

If your wife doesn't like her body, you'd better stop suggesting naked workouts immediately!

NO NO NO NO NO.

She has a wall up, when it comes to being seduced. She's not liking herself at the moment.

I'd suggest you BACK OFF for now, and help her work on her image a bit.
How about a day of beauty for her? Women love that stuff.
Give her the works. Tell her that you feel that she's the most beautiful woman on the planet, and you wanted to give her something special for no special reason.
If there was ever a way to seduce her, that might do it.


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

i felt seduced when H said to me at dinner one evening a long time ago..."so,when are you going to let me taste you?"

he said it while staring directly into my eyes...very serious and completely oozing confidence.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Nothing wrong with surprising her with a little wine and a a picnic. Let her have a glass or two so that her guard is not completely up (not suggesting you get drunk and romp though as she will feel taken advantage of and most likely pissed the next day!). 

But, you can then always...
-Brush your hand across her cheek. 
-Tell her she is beautiful while looking her in the eyes.
-Take her hand and squeeze lightly before letting go
-Suggest a walk and reach for her hand while you are walking
-Listen to her carefully and pick up her wants and then fulfill them. Example...she says, "I always wanted one of those." The next day purchase it, wrap it up and surprise her with it.

Runs Like Dog is absolutely right...seduction is the whispers that speak to us quietly, softly and thrill us.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i felt seduced when H said to me at dinner one evening a long time ago..."so,when are you going to let me taste you?"
> 
> he said it while staring directly into my eyes...very serious and completely oozing confidence.


thats awesome, my wife would have rolled her eyes and changed the subject.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i felt seduced when H said to me at dinner one evening a long time ago..."so,when are you going to let me taste you?"
> 
> he said it while staring directly into my eyes...very serious and completely oozing confidence.


OH good lord!
I just fell back on my chair!!


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## JustAGirl (Oct 1, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i felt seduced when H said to me at dinner one evening a long time ago..."so,when are you going to let me taste you?"
> 
> he said it while staring directly into my eyes...very serious and completely oozing confidence.


whew....that'll do it right there!

But, not all women like that kind of approach.
Gotta find what works for her - now....
My tastes have changed as I've gotten older


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> i felt seduced when H said to me at dinner one evening a long time ago..."so,when are you going to let me taste you?"
> 
> he said it while staring directly into my eyes...very serious and completely oozing confidence.


This is my husband as well and it melts me each and every time but my husband does all the other stuff that allows those words to melt me. He is romantic, mysterious, confident in the bedroom and thoughtful. If he thought seduction equaled watching my boobs bounce during P90X we'd be in some serious trouble. :rofl:


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

JustAGirl said:


> whew....that'll do it right there!
> 
> But, not all women like that kind of approach.
> Gotta find what works for her - now....
> My tastes have changed as I've gotten older


that's another thing...seduction is a case by case,age by age thing.

when i was in my early 20's I liked the down and dirty approach to seduction and rolled my eyes at the sweet stuff.It was a sign of weakness to me if a guy touched my cheek n told me how beautiful i was.

being close to 30 I now like a more steamy,confident approach to being seduced. my H using the 'taste you' line on me in his rough bedroom voice was just the ticket for me.it wasn't dirty or sleazy but it wasn't exactly pg13 either.


i agree JustAGirl saying you have to find out what seduction tactic your wife likes best.and it won't always be the same...it will change as she changes.

i still think she needs to work on her self image though for anything to be effective.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Trenton,

I wasn't suggesting that naked P90 was seductive, just more playful but thanks I may try some of your suggestions.

Undertheradar,

I have done that often over the years to no affect. Now money is more of an issue. But even now on her birthday I offered to send her for a day at the spa to no avail.

WhiteRabbit,

Tried something similar. She has been anti-licking for a while now, though she is slowly starting to come back around to it.

Back to Trenton,

I do almost all of those things. While I haven't suggested the walk, if we are in the mall or whatever I usually take her hand. As for her wants, that is a hard one. She is very low maintenance and will rarely ever even mention wanting anything. 

I offer to give her massages without the fear of it leading to sex and she turns that down too..

Maybe I'm just disgusting...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Trenton,
> 
> I wasn't suggesting that naked P90 was seductive, just more playful but thanks I may try some of your suggestions.
> 
> ...


You're not disgusting! It sounds like you're doing everything right to me and your wife has issues with self worth.

Is it possible her low maintenance is tied to her self confidence as well? Maybe she believes she doesn't deserve all the things you do for her or to want/desire things?

You really can't fix this for someone else though. You'd need to get her to want to figure out why she feels this way when she has a man who loves and, it sounds like, adores her.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Trenton said:


> For seduction I think there has to be subtle conflict and intense emotions built up to create a sense of sexual friction.
> 
> An example: If your wife had interaction with any man. Say you're at the grocery store and she gets help from the clerk and you comment on how he is checking her out. If this happened you could say something along the lines of, "Why was that guy checking you out?"
> 
> ...


 Excellent Excellent Post, Love all of this ! A "little" jealousy --it can really STIR the emotions -and work wonders, so long as neither spouse is threatened by it and sees it for what it is-- and uses it to flatter the other, uplift them in a teasing way. 

I also dont feel you are disgusting, not at all, you are doing the best you can desite some real hangups in your wife.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I have tried and I don't know how to reach her and she is opposed to counseling.

How am I not supposed to feel disgusting when she claims she is content/happy/all her needs are met/loves me but has zero desire for me?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Ok, I hate to ask you this.....

Is there a chance that your wife is not into you?

Do you have a good marriage?
Are you friends?
Do you do other things together?

Did she ever cheat? Or have a text affair?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Does the Old Spice dude on a white horse complete with diamonds dripping from his palm count as seduction?


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## WhiteRabbit (May 11, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Does the Old Spice dude on a white horse complete with diamonds dripping from his palm count as seduction?


*drool* where's the drooling smiley when I need it?! lol


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

My absolute favorite is sexting throughout the day until we are both ready to jump each other the second I get home from work. I've told her how much I want her to talk dirty to me, and I think she is working on it. Yesterday she txtd me, "I am naked under my clothes," and I took that and ran with it. It was quite titillating!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

* What is seduction to you? *

A bottle of red and Keanu Reeves. 

No but seriously. ... that's what seduction is.

Kidding... romance is seduction!!!!!! A tender, long-lingering kiss, flowers, a sweet note saying all the ways you love her!


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> * What is seduction to you? *
> 
> A bottle of red and Keanu Reeves.
> 
> ...


You are so right....
But if she's not into it, it's not happening.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

frustr8dhubby said:


> I have tried and I don't know how to reach her and she is opposed to counseling.
> 
> How am I not supposed to feel disgusting when she claims she is content/happy/all her needs are met/loves me but has zero desire for me?


I am not familar with your story, but why do you stay. I would seriously leave someone who had NO desire for me, making me feel less about myself AND refused counseling, I would be making a planned exit. It would simply be too frustrating (like your user name - I feel for you!) and heart breaking to remain in this state of hoping, praying, wishing, all attemps on your end, nothing on hers, I would be dreaming of another who did not have these uncaring tendencies and sexually closed cold fish hang ups.

Life is too short.

Can you live the rest of your days and nights without desire? Many do it, but are they happy??


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

candlelight + sexy music channel on Pandora (take your pick, 'smooth jazz,' 'Isaac Hayes,' 'love songs' or anything Brazillian works for us) is great. Also easy to set up; light the candles and load it up on your laptop within seconds while she is in the shower.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Undertheradar said:


> Ok, I hate to ask you this.....
> 
> Is there a chance that your wife is not into you?
> 
> ...


Of course there is that chance and I worry about it. Yes, I believe we have a great marriage and she tells me we do to. Yes, we are the best of friends. There really isn't anything I cannot talk to her about (except for maybe my filthy fantasies ). We do just about everything together, though we do also have our own interests. In fact she just went to California for a week for her sisters 50th b-day party without me and the kids.

I do not know that she has cheated and I highly doubt it, there are zero signs to that. I'm telling you she has nothing that turns her on. (And again it is possibly just me). But she rarely even mentions an attractive actor or anything.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

SA,

I stay with her because in every other way I couldn't ask for a better wife/friend/mother to my children. She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

JustAGirl said:


> Rap "Ice Ice Baby" in her ear, worked for me! lol


:lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl: What a horrible song! Remember the hair and outfits in that video? 

YouTube - ‪Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby‬‏


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

frustr8dhubby said:


> SA,
> 
> I stay with her because in every other way I couldn't ask for a better wife/friend/mother to my children. She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.


Common theme on this forum, I feel for every one of you, every last one, I think you are all saints and your wives (or husbands) are blessed as the morning sun that you stay with them. They don't realize what YOU are giving up -just to stay with them. I couldn't do it, I would fall into an affair if I tried, I would have to get out. And then we could still "be friends". 

Not sure how you find contentment in this, religion may be an answer. Other hobbies to consume you -to keep you busy, taking a drug to suppress your sex drive (a low drive wife's husband did this for her, her thread in the sex forum). How sad that would be. 

Can you live out your life this self-less for another? And what about resentment, how is this not building within you? 

I guess so long as you can ward off the resentment and realize this is HER -and not take this too personally. But IF staying married (under these desireless circumstances) leads to a man or woman needing depression drugs to cope or feeling so low about themselves, destroying any self-worth they once had, these spouses have miserably failed them somewhere along the line. 

Depends on how strong you are I guess. I would be too weak to deal with it, and too selfish too put up with it. Maybe you are made of something else. Very Honorable but I always ask --at what cost?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Of course there is that chance and I worry about it. Yes, I believe we have a great marriage and she tells me we do to. Yes, we are the best of friends. There really isn't anything I cannot talk to her about (except for maybe my filthy fantasies ). We do just about everything together, though we do also have our own interests. In fact she just went to California for a week for her sisters 50th b-day party without me and the kids.
> 
> I do not know that she has cheated and I highly doubt it, there are zero signs to that. I'm telling you she has nothing that turns her on. (And again it is possibly just me). But she rarely even mentions an attractive actor or anything.


Ok, thanks for the honest answer.

It sounds as if your wife is settled into her marriage. Her needs are more geared towards family life, and not towards sexual fulfillment.
I would stop the seducing, and back off 100%. She will no doubt, soon begin to feel pressured, and may start to resent you. There always a chance here, that not only does she not feel good about her body, but she will also start to feel inadequate to you in emotional ways.
Woman don't like to be nagged for sex.

Not to get too personal..; Does she ever become the aggressor in the BR? Or is it always you?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Common theme on this forum, I feel for every one of you, every last one, I think you are all saints and your wives (or husbands) are blessed as the morning sun that you stay with them. They don't realize what YOU are giving up -just to stay with them. I couldn't do it, I would fall into an affair if I tried, I would have to get out. And then we could still "be friends". I concur with this. I refuse to be a cheating spouse, so I would have to walk away.
> 
> Not sure how you find contentment in this, religion may be an answer. Other hobbies to consume you -to keep you busy, taking a drug to suppress your sex drive (a low drive wife's husband did this for her, her thread in the sex forum). How sad that would be. No hobbies could distract me from not having sex; it is too important to me.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> :lol::lol::lol::rofl::rofl: What a horrible song! Remember the hair and outfits in that video?
> 
> YouTube - ‪Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby‬‏


Could be worse. Years ago we were getting all hot and heavy while listening to the radio. Sir Mix Alot came on and I swear to God there is NO WAY you can stay in the mood with lyrics like 

"red beans and rice didn't miss her". 

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

SA,

I don't know if I can live like this. As someone else pointed out in my Open Marriage thread, do I really have it that bad? I see how awfully some of the husbands and wives are treated on here and it just blows my mind that they stay. I did get tempted by a woman last summer and that scared me. Not only for my marriage but for my own integrity.

Please none of you get me wrong, I am no saint either. I can be a moody, depressive, pain in the arse so it isn't like she has it made!  And I'm no Brad Pitt in the looks department either.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> She is very good to me and I feel loved, I just don't feel desired.


Check out this book to see what you can do to help cultivate that desire in your lady, and maybe understand more about her too: Amazon.com: Cockfidence (9780983240303): Celeste Hirschman, Danielle Harel: Books


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Undertheradar,

I think you have hit the nail on the head with being totally geared towards the family life. I have backed off quite a bit but I can't do 100%, I just don't seem capable.  I don't want to play games, I don't want to leave.

As for her being an aggressor. Prior to children, totally. In the last 7-9 years, it is me.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Undertheradar,
> 
> I think you have hit the nail on the head with being totally geared towards the family life. I have backed off quite a bit but I can't do 100%, I just don't seem capable.  I don't want to play games, I don't want to leave.
> 
> As for her being an aggressor. Prior to children, totally. In the last 7-9 years, it is me.


Ok, this is a good start.
Don't back off 100%, try to understand what she may be feeling.
Even though I'm a man, there was a time when I gained weight, business slowed down, and I didn't feel good about myself. I couldn't look friends in the face, nevermind hold my head up high as a man to my wife.
Your wife reminds me of so many wives in my inner circle of friends. It's very common.
As far as what you're feeling, you're expecting something from your wife, that she may not be capable of at the moment. Woman has the highest regard for how they feel about themselves. If she doesn't feel good about herself, she's not giving in to you,.. Period.

Does she have a desire to wear nice clothes?
Are you struggling finncially, to a point wear she's wearing old clothes every day?
Maybe you need to coax her out of her "family mode" slowly. Back off YOUR needs for a while, and see if you can fill some of hers.

BTW... My 50 yr old friends all have the same complaint. Their 50 yr old wives "lost it". I say it doesn't have to be that way.
I'm 52, and a tiger.
My wife is 37, and she still cheated on me, regardless.
So I say, respect your wife for all the wonderful qualities you describe, and help her through whatever it is you want from her.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

To me - anything.

Overtly sexy or hidden meaning.

I don't have to be wined and dined - that does nothing for me.

Put your arms around me, tell me you love me and that you want to f***k me - that's all it takes for me!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Undertheradar,

No we are not that bad off financially we just spend a LOT on our childrens gymnastics. And the rest of your points are part of my problem. She tells me that all of her needs are met. If she tells me this and I can't see anything blatant that is missing, how the heck do I know what to concentrate on if she is really missing something???

MWIL,

Oh if only she were that "easy"...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

All her needs are met except for the part where she recognizes all your needs are met. Work on recognizing that you have needs too and then ask for them. If she loves you, your needs will be her needs shortly thereafter and there won't be a problem.


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## bunnybear (Jan 13, 2011)

Give her lots of compliments that she's so beautiful and sexy. Spank her bum bum. Hubby always do this.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Trenton said:


> That would not be seductive to me in any way. I'd consider it playful and almost funny but not seductive.
> 
> Seductive takes more work in my opinion and is not nearly as blunt as sexts and naked P90. If you master seduction I think she will be more likely to respond to sext'ing and P90 naked ideas.
> 
> ...


I really like this. *sigh*


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

bunnybear said:


> Give her lots of compliments that she's so beautiful and sexy. Spank her bum bum. Hubby always do this.


:iagree::iagree: My husband does the butt spank too! :rofl:


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Gift certificate for a new bra and panties from a lingerie shop. One that will do a proper fitting and make sure she gets the right fit. For the nearly-naked P90... 

I don't know about other women, but for me a good fitting new bra goes a long way towards the great 40+ body after 3 kids.

A chick-fit tee shirt and some new workout shorts too. 

If she spends a lot of time at gymnastics watching the kids in the evening at classes in a viewing area, one thing I saw that goes a LONG way in the esteem department is to have hubby bring in a nice salad meal and iced coffee from a nearby cafe. Delivered with a kiss on the neck, by your most attractive self. Then ask if there is anything else she wants, such as specific chores done around the house or dinner on the table, errands run, etc. before she gets home. 

How it works is that after you leave, there will be many many nice things said about you by the other women...

If you are already doing this and it has fallen short, my condolences.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Undertheradar said:


> You are so right....
> But if she's not into it, it's not happening.


That's true. So did you ask her what she is into? Or is she still having the affair with the other guy?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Bah, she is not having an affair, or at least if she is, she is darn good at hiding it. And yes, I have asked her repeatedly over the years what she is into and it is a very small list.

In fact she is one of the few women that I have ever known that actually asks for thinks like a vacuum or kitchen appliances for Christmas/etc. I'd just as soon buy her diamonds and she wants a Cuisanart.. WTF?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> In fact she is one of the few women that I have ever known that actually asks for thinks like a vacuum or kitchen appliances for Christmas/etc. I'd just as soon buy her diamonds and she wants a Cuisanart.. WTF?


She is not in tune with having a sensual side of herself. Not everybody is - I have something of that same problem but am getting more in tune BECAUSE my husband refuses to let me exist like that. 

There was another thread that I just read this morning that had a post that essentially said that inside every prim, proper, innocent, non-sensual wife is a tiger waiting to be unleashed by her husband. Likely true in many cases - the only problem is YOU have to figure out how to help take that leash off of her (and she may not even realize she has one on!) The way my husband does it is by acting like I am the sexiest woman in the world to him - the only one for him, and he does a good job of making me believe he is the only one for me too. So, after so many years of this I am beginning to start to believe him.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Bah, she is not having an affair, or at least if she is, she is darn good at hiding it.


My comment was directed to Under re: the affair. 



frustr8dhubby said:


> And yes, I have asked her repeatedly over the years what she is into and it is a very small list.


Do the things on her "small list" and ask her straight up today what she finds seductive. Tell her you want to make her happy, ask what you can do. Tell her what you like too.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Bah, she is not having an affair, or at least if she is, she is darn good at hiding it. And yes, I have asked her repeatedly over the years what she is into and it is a very small list.
> 
> In fact she is one of the few women that I have ever known that actually asks for thinks like a vacuum or kitchen appliances for Christmas/etc. I'd just as soon buy her diamonds and she wants a Cuisanart.. WTF?


:lol: Some ladies are practical. When I was dating my husband, I asked for a vacuum because I was moving. He gave it to me, but also added Chris Rock tickets. I don't ask for practical gifts anymore, because Mr.G thinks that they are unromantic. 

I have wanted an amazing cake mixer. I asked for it on my birthday; my husband laughed and gave me a quick kiss. "I'll buy you something nice." 

Does she like jewelry? Flowers? Lingerie? Surprise her with a diamond necklace...let your wife know that you want to see her with nothing but the necklace on.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> :lol: Some ladies are practical. When I was dating my husband, I asked for a vacuum because I was moving. He gave it to me, but also added Chris Rock tickets. I don't ask for practical gifts anymore, because Mr.G thinks that they are unromantic.
> 
> I have wanted an amazing cake mixer. I asked for it on my birthday; my husband laughed and gave me a quick kiss. "I'll buy you something nice."
> 
> Does she like jewelry? Flowers? Lingerie? Surprise her with a diamond necklace...let your wife know that you want to see her with nothing but the necklace on.


You know, this got me thinking. If she likes practical gifts like food mixers, then get them for her! But make it romantic too by putting the diamond bracelet and a boatload of flowers in the mixer bowl! Don't let the practicalities stop you from being romantic - get creative!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I've never been seduced so don't ask me.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> practical gifts seduce me as well as any piece of jewelry.
> 
> kitchenaid artisan series mixer....*n-pples hard just thinking of it*  hehe...


:iagree::iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl:

KitchenAid® Artisan® 5-Quart Stand Mixer - Empire Red: Amazon.ca: Home & Garden

Are you wet yet WR? I am! :rofl::rofl:


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> I've never been seduced so don't ask me.


Not even before you were married?


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Mrs.G said:


> :iagree::iagree::rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> KitchenAid® Artisan® 5-Quart Stand Mixer - Empire Red: Amazon.ca: Home & Garden
> 
> Are you wet yet WR? I am! :rofl::rofl:


Got a sexy black one sitting in my kitchen right now


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Enchantment,

That is a great idea I may try that, though money is less available then it used to be. 

WhiteRabbit,

Too funny!! 

Mrs G.,

Jewelry, yes to some degree; Flowers kinda; lingerie, sadly NO. 

Jellybeans,

I have asked her. Maybe I am asking it wrong somehow but there is nothing that seems to really get her going. Her love language is acts of service but I think I do fairly well in that area. *sigh*


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^ Ask her straight up..."What do you think is seductive...what turns you on...what gets you going?"


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Nope. Nevah.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I asked her directly over a month ago. "What turns you on?". The answer: nothing.

Same discussion: "Name one sexual fantasy.". None.

She says she gets emotional/loving/whatever when watching me play with or read to our girls and such but nothing actually turns her on.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ditto. More or less. Actually I was met with stony silence like I asked her to eat a baby.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> That is so depressing. Can't imagine not being able to pinpoint what gets me going. I feel sorry for them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree  I can easily make a list within minutes of 100 things that turn me on. To answer nothing is rather sad.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

She is at best, disinterested and utterly unengaged. At worst, she has an aversion to the idea of sex ... with you. May be the same with anyone else too, but at the moment the relationship consists of you and she.

There needs to be at minimum, a basic emotional connection for seduction. Seduction is about eliciting feelings in your target/partner. As Trenton mentioned, almost any strong emotional response that you can trigger, can establish a connection that you can work from there.

Your issue? She sees you coming a mile away. The dynamic you currently have is that the moment she recognizes that the course of conversation or interaction is moving into sexual territory, she closes up like Fort Knox. I'm familiar with this, because it's what my ex used to do. I called it a negative feedback loop. Ours got so bad that ANY pretext of affection on my part, she viewed as sexually overt ... and responded very poorly to.That my friend ... is about as f*cked up as a relationship can get.

I agree with the suggestion to back off. Way, way off. Trying to 'seduce' your wife right now, simply isn't in the cards. She isn't open to it, and all because she is over-focused on the fact that YOU are.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> She is at best, disinterested and utterly unengaged. At worst, she has an aversion to the idea of sex ... with you. May be the same with anyone else too, but at the moment the relationship consists of you and she.
> 
> <cut>I agree with the suggestion to back off. Way, way off.


I don't understand this. I really don't. :scratchhead:

If she's disinterested and / or unengaged, why will backing off MAKE her interested? If I'm not interested in something, someone NOT talking to me about doesn't make me want to do it. In that case, whatever it is simply drops off my radar totally.

If she has an aversion to sex, how will ignoring it (backing off) remove / deal with the aversion? By backing off, do you not simply re-inforce her position, by basically saying you accept the status quo, and that if she's OK with it so are you?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sawney Beane said:


> I don't understand this. I really don't. :scratchhead:
> 
> If she's disinterested and / or unengaged, why will backing off MAKE her interested? If I'm not interested in something, someone NOT talking to me about doesn't make me want to do it. In that case, whatever it is simply drops off my radar totally.
> 
> If she has an aversion to sex, how will ignoring it (backing off) remove / deal with the aversion? By backing off, do you not simply re-inforce her position, by basically saying you accept the status quo, and that if she's OK with it so are you?


Negative.

You back off and reset the dynamic. If she has issues surrounding sex, and a belief that ANY form of intimacy will lead to him desiring sex, then intimacy becomes a trigger of avoidance. If a wife is sexually shut down, and a husband consistently brings it up for discussion, flirtation, seduction, complaining ... it becomes the male equivalent of nagging. It doesn't work.

By backing off and focusing on HER issues, it puts the subject in a different focus. Instead of trying to get her to have sex, stay focused on the reasons she DOESN'T want to have sex, and make her take responsibility for them in the context of maintaining the relationship. She needs to be honest with herself, and her husband. If her attitude is 'this is who I am, take it or leave it.' Hubby should make it clear that he will leave it.

My ex tried 'fake it til you make it' with me for about a month in the dying days of our marriage. In our case? It made things worse. She said as much in counseling. It was pity sex. It actually strengthened her aversion, and left me disillusioned and very, very, angry.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Negative.
> 
> You back off and reset the dynamic. If she has issues surrounding sex, and a belief that ANY form of intimacy will lead to him desiring sex, then intimacy becomes a trigger of avoidance. If a wife is sexually shut down, and a husband consistently brings it up for discussion, flirtation, seduction, complaining ... it becomes the male equivalent of nagging. It doesn't work.
> 
> ...


agreed, except i would label it begging not nagging. i will not beg for anything from anyone


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Deejo,

I think we've had this discussion before and I have even gone through periods of trying this. However, what is the focus on HER issue if she claims she doesn't even know what the issue is???

I think I need to reiterate. She isn't necessarily sex averse it just never seems to even cross her radar. So in some respect I have to agree with Sawney, I think just ignoring it will likely mean it will just never cross her radar.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Undertheradar,
> 
> No we are not that bad off financially we just spend a LOT on our childrens gymnastics. And the rest of your points are part of my problem. She tells me that all of her needs are met. If she tells me this and I can't see anything blatant that is missing, how the heck do I know what to concentrate on if she is really missing something???
> 
> ...


I am "that easy" and unfortunately my own husband doesn't take advantage of that anymore...what a shame for the both of us.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Well at least she was using a vibrator. My wife doesn't even own one and doesn't masterbate (at least to my knowledge and has told me that she doesn't).


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I am not quick to believe her but I have to have some element of trust there or what would be the point?

In fact she made some off-hand comment a week or two ago. Something to the affect of: "Well I guess I would be a bad masterbater..". After that, I told her she should masterbate and she said she didn't see any reason to.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nowhere did I state to ignore what's going on. What I'm saying is to change how you address it. 

Bottom line ... are you prepared to accept your marriage as it is?

I'm presuming you aren't. You have indicated that you have done all of the legwork in trying to discover what turns her on and how she feels about sex. And according to her the answers are 'Nothing and indifferent.' Not much question that your spouse has a low sex drive. I apologize for not being fully familiar with your history, was that always the case?

If you believe she is already doing the best she can in trying to step up and address your needs, then at some point in time you will need to decide if her effort is acceptable to you.

What I'm suggesting, is that if she values the marriage, she should be willing to explore the issue, with an MD or a therapist ... so at the very least, even if she isn't 'feeling it' she recognizes that you do, and it's important to you.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Deejo,

I don't know if I can accept it as it is. I should be able to but I don't seem to be able to.

No it was not always the case. In fact when we were first together I was a little lower drive than her because I was having some rough times after my divorce. It has gotten progressively worse over the years after the birth of the kids.

She has talked to the MD about it some. They did some hormone checks but I don't know if it was the "right" checks. She doesn't want to see a therapist. She seems to have this inane fear of being told that something is "wrong" with her. She has the same fear with medical stuff.

She does try and she does know it is important to me. However, maybe I am too much the other way, I don't know. To your point, I am sure my pushing/nagging/begging/whatever you want to call it probably doesn't help. Though I have gone through some long periods trying not to grope/touch/initiate/whatever but that doesn't change anything.

Sometimes I wonder if it is me and I am some kind of sex addict or something. Though I don't think it's that level as I don't go get it elsewhere, I watch porn some but rarely masterbate to it, etc, etc.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes it sounds that people confuse seduction with corruption.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sorry, I don't understand what you mean?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Negative.
> 
> You back off and reset the dynamic. If she has issues surrounding sex, and a belief that ANY form of intimacy will lead to him desiring sex, then intimacy becomes a trigger of avoidance. If a wife is sexually shut down, and a husband consistently brings it up for discussion, flirtation, seduction, complaining ... it becomes the male equivalent of nagging. It doesn't work.
> 
> By backing off and focusing on HER issues, it puts the subject in a different focus. Instead of trying to get her to have sex, stay focused on the reasons she DOESN'T want to have sex, and make her take responsibility for them in the context of maintaining the relationship. She needs to be honest with herself, and her husband. If her attitude is 'this is who I am, take it or leave it.' Hubby should make it clear that he will leave it.


Ah! Nowhere did it say "...focusing on HER issues...", it just said "...backing off...". No wonder it made no sense. What about when the focusing on her issues becomes the male equivalent of nagging? As for being detached / disinterested, if someone tries to focus on why I don't like football (for example), I'll just say "'Cos it's ****, now drop it!" All the focussing on why I thunk it's **** won't make think any more highly of it.:scratchhead:


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Deejo said:


> What I'm suggesting, is that if she values the marriage, she should be willing to explore the issue, with an MD or a therapist ... so at the very least, even if she isn't 'feeling it' she recognizes that you do, and it's important to you.


Sooner or later, doesn't the arguement come out along the lines of:
"Why is the fact that YOU want it / like it more important that the fact that I DON'T want it / like it?". What happens then?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Sorry, I don't understand what you mean?


"Seduction" has some certain negative connotations, usually in the sense of a more experienced partner taking advantage of the innocence / naivete of the less experienced. Often in this context in older books.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Sooner or later, doesn't the arguement come out along the lines of:
> "Why is the fact that YOU want it / like it more important that the fact that I DON'T want it / like it?". What happens then?


Exactly. In fact that is kind of where we are right now. Me going down on her is a perfect example, we have pretty much had that exact "argument". I LOVE going down on her, she could kind of care less and so there it goes.

WIFE: "Aren't I supposed to like it?"
ME: "Yes"
WIFE: "Well I don't care about it so why do you want to do it?"
ME: "Uhm, well I enjoy doing it and I would like to make you feel good?"...

And so forth...


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Sawney,

Oh and thanks for the clarification on the seduction/corruption thing, though I am still not quite sure where it fits in this context.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Sawney,
> 
> Oh and thanks for the clarification on the seduction/corruption thing, though I am still not quite sure where it fits in this context.


Guessing here, but there could be some people who think of seduction like that and see it as something done to them, and not necessarily with their full willing agreement, rather than something they actively participate in?


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I think I just learned that seduction is telling your wife, she could leave.

Those love juices start the flow like a river.


Actually just kidding...
I don't operate that way.
I'm a lover, not a fighter.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's the difference between a loving relationship a power relationship.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Yeah I've heard that over and over also. Usually it is just the tears flowing, not the "love juices".


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