# Need advice- You'll get a kick out of the story



## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

Ok, long story, but I need advice. My wife and I have been married 17 years; second for both of us. A few month ago my wife had the bright idea, and I was stupid enough to go along with it, to move my 37 year old step never employed daughter (wife's daughter) in with my father in law. They live across the street. As they say, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions". 
Well, things went south. The daughter began tapping into the old man's money and generally not doing what she agreed to do. My widowed FIL doesn't seem to mind because he has his granddaughter and great granddaughter as company. My wife has another agenda; that is to get her out and stop what she considers abuse, or at least dereliction of duty.  My wife is a hot headed redhead and her daughter is a lazy sociopath with 911 on automatic dial. 
While I was out of town several weeks ago, my wife decided she'd go across the street, straighten things out, and get the daughter out of the house. Well, all plans don't pan out and this was among those that didn't. The daughter and her got into a hair pulling. The daughter called to police. I don't know who started it and don't want to. Fortunately my FIL claimed to see nothing so the police couldn't do anything but tell my wife and the daughter, "don't make us come back". All has been reasonably well the following few weeks until today.
I was out of town today and, you guessed it, virtually the same thing happened minus the hair pulling. My question, other than should I call the Jerry Springer Show, is how should I handle this? I told the wife that my recommendation is for her to stay away and quit trying to fix the unfixable. Her response was, "so you're telling me to mind my own business. Thanks for the support". I didn't say it but, yes she should mind her own business. 
My question for you guys is what is the best position for me to take? To wit, I don't want to add fuel to the fire. :scratchhead:


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well if the granddaughter is steeling for him she needs to go, maybe tell gramps and let him decide or at least he could watch her or his money better.


maybe sit down with gramps and explain whats up over a beer,


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

I (We've) basically had several talks with my FIL. He complains about her being there but, in the same breath, says her want to help her get through college (were I teach and she flunked or dropped every course this past semester). I've pretty well given up and realize I don't have a dog in this fight or at least one I can control. My wife on the other hand is obsessed with getting her daughter out of his house, which by the way we own but he has a life estate. 
My concern is what is the best approach I can take, knowing I have no control over these people and watching my wife, who seems to believe my advice may sound good, but won't work in this situation. So please tell me, if it were you in my shoes, what would you do. I'm tired of hearing, "you're not supporting me" when I don't go along with her rather "red neck" approach. I love the woman but she's got a head like a rock. And I assure you, I'm not a troll making this up. Somebody come back with something.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

You said you own the house (the one your step daughter & FIL) live in. Can you go the strictly legal route and begin eviction? I'm not a lawyer and if she is not paying rent I don't know if you could do this, but it is worth looking into.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

I concur.. You're only safe route here is through proper legal channels..This way you have a written document stating what has been going on, so if it continues to happen you have a better hand..

Atleast for the short term, move out your FIL and I suspect once that happens, your step-daughter will find that her resources have dried up forcing her to make a move..


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

If your stepdaughter is 37 I imagine your FIL is probably older than 70. I would also look at adult protective services in your area. They prevent the abuse of adults who are not able to (which generally means elders, DD, etc). While your FIL may be in full capacity of his intellect and mind, he still would fall under their protection. If he's being stolen from, they might be able to help. It couldn't hurt to ask, right?

Just look up your local department of human services/social services, whatever it may be called in your area.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Oh, my! As you said, you don't really have a dog in that fight, but I'll tell you one thing... Don't go over there yourself, because when the daughter calls the cops, they won't be as passive with a man. (I don't agree with it, just recognize it.)

At 37, your step-daughter is likely to be toxic to everyone she encounters, and the sooner your wife and FIL recognize it, the better off everyone will be. It's hard for me to figure out whether your wife should or shouldn't be stepping in personally. 

I think the people who are saying social services should get involved are giving good advice, and I hope your wife will consider going taking that somewhat indirect route. Her kid can call the cops on social services and it will only protect your FIL better if she does.

I also wonder if there's a way to encourage FIL to manage his finances that would prevent daughter from being able to access anything. She's potentially stealing from you and your wife, too, if she wipes him out of his savings and leaves him destitute to such a degree he has to rely on you for support.


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

He gets a healthy retirement so if she goes through all his money, at least decent living expense money will be replenished each money. In four months she's tapped at least $40k I know about. Wife has done the protective services route to no avail. according to them, so long as he wants her there, there is not much we can do about it without having the court declare him incompetent. (and there ain't much chance of that). I'm concerned that the next time my wife has poor enough judgement to intervene, she and her 21 year old boyfriend, who seems to be hanging a more and more, will ambush my wife, and claim she attacked them. That almost happened this past Saturday.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Holy hell! 40k?! I'd say that both she and her bf need to go but how to do it... the best thing would be for someone to talk to your FIL and get him to realize that this will continue unless he says that he wants her out of there. I realize that she is his granddaughter and he loves her but she is abusive. Do you think that there may be a drug problem with either your step daughter or maybe her bf? 40K is a LOT of money to take and what has she spent it on? For that amount she should be in her own place for a year or so! Can you get your FIL to come over and have a heart to heart with him? And definitely your wife needs to stay away from the place. The last thing she needs are physical injuries and/or ending up in jail!


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Why not take FIL to your house for awhile?


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## TheProf (Aug 8, 2012)

in my tree said:


> Do you think that there may be a drug problem with either your step daughter or maybe her bf? 40K is a LOT of money to take and what has she spent it on?


About half went for a car. My understanding is $8K went for a tummy tuck, boob and azz job. This whole thing sound like the Twilight Zone.



CanadianGuy said:


> Why not take FIL to your house for awhile?


We tried that along with another daughter that lives about 150 miles north in Rome Georgia. He won't budge. He claims he want to see "K" get through school. I think I said she attends where I teach and flunked two out of three courses last semester. If she can't get her grade point average to a 2.0 she loses her Pell grant and the party will hopefully be over.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Can your wife get your FIL to give her power of attorney? It could be beneficial in many ways. At his age it's quite common.

I also believe some detective work is in order. Or even hire a PI, if you can afford it. Your step-daughter may have a habit your FIL is supporting. If so, present the evidence to your FIL. Chances are he wouldn't approve of the money going for that. Your step-daughter is probably lying to him anyway.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Well we can see where her priorities are. I guess until your FIL gets fed up with the theft or realizes that K isn't serious about school, there isn't much that you can do except keep trying to talk to him. He must have a heart of gold because most people would be seeing red or have kicked her our by now.


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## marcgaugha (Aug 27, 2012)

well if the granddaughter is steeling for him she needs to go


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Anounmously call (YOU) a hotline for elder abuse, tell them what's been going on and let them investigate. Department of Human Services should be able to look into it. There are laws against abuse of anyone and special laws on the books for elderly too.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Tell them you are putting the house up for sale and give notice to move out. Go to your local housing authority and find out the proper, legal way to move them out of the house. You don't have to sell the house and don't even have to show them papers. You just say you are going to sell the house and give them the proper legal notice to move. Tell them Dad is going to move in with you. Once they are out, then try to get a restraining order so they can't come near you or Dad. I'm with Mom, you gotta do something, Dad is being blinded by his love for his family and granddaughter is a POS if you ask me. And trust me, the 21 year old BF is in it for the money too--why else would he be hanging around a 37 year old with a kid?

Or, if you can prove Dad is in bad health and you guys have to take care of him and daughter has attacked mother physically and YOU OWN THE HOUSE, maybe you can get a restraining or PO that way?

Go talk to a lawyer for a free consultation and see what your legal options are. If it was my Dad, I'd be doing the same thing.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

WTF? She got a tummy tuck and a boob jobs with stolen money? I can see why your wife is so pissed off. Doesn't he care about the stolen money?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

TheProf said:


> He gets a healthy retirement so if she goes through all his money, at least decent living expense money will be replenished each money. In four months she's tapped at least $40k I know about. Wife has done the protective services route to no avail. according to them, so long as he wants her there, there is not much we can do about it without having the court declare him incompetent. (and there ain't much chance of that). I'm concerned that the next time my wife has poor enough judgement to intervene, she and her 21 year old boyfriend, who seems to be hanging a more and more, will ambush my wife, and claim she attacked them. That almost happened this past Saturday.


Would you be able to side with him and protect him at the same time? I'm thinking a couple of things right now, and I'm not sure how useful they are, but here goes...

1. Get a VAR that your wife can carry when she goes over there. If they pull that kind of crap, maybe your wife (or the cops) can fine the woman for frivolous use of public resources or fraudulent reporting.

2. If there's a way you can convince your FIL that you want to help him help her, and to protect what she does NOT need for school, perhaps he'd be willing to set up a joint bank account or a trust that limits the daughter's ability to get the funds... an could require a cosigner, for instance.


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