# I lied. She left. I need to win her back. how?



## alex1013 (Jul 10, 2012)

My wife and i got married in march we have lived together for 4 years and she is the best part of my life.
We are both going to college and were schedualed to grad at the same time. I started to fail and drop classes without telling her thinking i would just catch up the next semester. well she is about to grad and i am a year behind. 
she just found out on friday.. she said my lie was worse than cheating and has been at her moms house since. she hasnt talked to me since.. i have never seen her so mad/sad. she is my best friend and the love of my life. what should i do?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The worst part about infidelity is the lying. So in that way what you did is very similar.

Not lying anymore is a good start.You are going to have to show her over time that you are not a liar if she gives you that chance.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Eeewww... I just posted about a lying husband.

Lies break down and kill a marriage. How can you love and trust someone who lies to you???

So be a man. Pull up your big boy pants and be the honest trustworthy man your wife would be proud off.

At the same time...why did you not feel able to tell her what was happening? Was it because of her reaction? Do you fear her in some way??


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

alex1013 said:


> My wife and i got married in march we have lived together for 4 years and she is the best part of my life.
> We are both going to college and were schedualed to grad at the same time. I started to fail and drop classes without telling her thinking i would just catch up the next semester. well she is about to grad and i am a year behind.
> she just found out on friday.. she said my lie was worse than cheating and has been at her moms house since. she hasnt talked to me since.. i have never seen her so mad/sad. she is my best friend and the love of my life. what should i do?


So what was the lie?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

alex1013 said:


> she is my best friend and the love of my life. what should i do?


If you really felt this way truthfully, it wouldn't even have occurred to you to not tell her the truth that you were failling. She's your wife and best friend, she would have tried to support you through it but your dishonesty sends her the clear message that you don't trust her and that she can't trust you.

It could take years to rebuild that trust. Very foolish.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

I do sympathise with the situation you find yourself in, but lying in a relationship, is often the begginning of a very slippery slope. Have you made any tentative steps towards contacting her and apologising, or has she been in touch at any point since she found out? Although you haven't cheated and hopefully never would, the anger and disappointment she's probably feeling will be almost identical as if you had. I've been there myself, and my wife has never quite been the same since ( During a bad patch where she'd thrown a frying pan at me, and said she wished I was dead - in front of our kids -I went off and had an EA for literally 2 days with a total stranger on a message board. She found out a year later by discovering my un-deleted messages to the other woman).

I hope you can somehow approach her and speak to her about how sorry you are, and most importantly, that she lets you. I really hope you can turn this situation around. You have my best regards as I know what this is like.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sounds like you got married too early.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It may also be that your wife feels very angry that you obviously think she's an idiot. Did you imagine she was really so stupid that she wouldn't notice that you would no longer be graduating at the same time she was? 

So in her eyes, you don't trust her to support you, don't think she deserves honesty from you, think she's too dumb to figure it out on her own, or you're a pathelogical liar. She's also probably wondering what else you've lied to her about in the past or might lie to her about in the future. None of those things bode well for continued marital harmony. 

Apologize profusely. Spend some time in introspection determining why you thought lying was a good idea and what steps you are going to take to correct the issue. Ask for another chance. If she gives it to you, spend a really long time proving to her that you are honest and trustworthy - by being honest and trustworthy.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Sounds like you got married too early.


Just the wrong woman.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Dude....


Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.

Words actually do have specific meanings.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Machiavelli said:


> Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.
> 
> Words actually do have specific meanings.


Withholding a piece of information is a lie of omission.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Acorn said:


> Withholding a piece of information is a lie of omission.


Not necessarily. If the op's wife asked about this, and he failed to tell her, then I agree. A lie of omission.

However, if the topic was never broached, it is not a lie.

I didn't take out the garbage yesterday, I did it today. I didn't tell anybody, and nobody asked. Did I lie about the garbage?


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Everyone I know that got married in college is now getting divorced, been divorced or is generally unhappy with life. I still firmly believe marriage before 30 should be banned.....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't care if you call it a lie or not. It was dishonest. 

I don't blame the OPs wife for being upset. Keeping this from her was a terrible thing to do. I would think long and hard about a life with someone that would do something like this. 

Only advice I have is to apologize. If she allows you back in, the only thing you can do is swear to her that you won't keep secrets from her. It will take TIME for her to trust you again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

People do need to be careful. there was a fantastical case of a husband murdering his wife.....I think in Utah....I can't remember all the details but their marriage came apart after she quite her job as a broker to move to the city where her husband told her that he was accepted to med school. When the husband knew that the wife knew about the house of cards, he killed her and went on the run,

I saw it in People magazine about 2004 or 2005. It just goes to show you, partners need to drop by the place of work and do some other checks.

that's one good thing about an e-mail address. My fiance works full time permanent at a multinational. So I was able to e-mail him on his work address.

there was a time when you could get a lot of info on someone just on the basis of an e-mail since they are unique. But I think more people have become savvy and have closed that loop.

Yes, I agree, lying is bad. And to lye about your relationship status and work status is unforgiveable.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

MadeInMichigan said:


> Not necessarily. If the op's wife asked about this, and he failed to tell her, then I agree. A lie of omission.
> 
> However, if the topic was never broached, it is not a lie.
> 
> I didn't take out the garbage yesterday, I did it today. I didn't tell anybody, and nobody asked. Did I lie about the garbage?


So the fact that all her plans for the next year are now ruined, the fact that there will be an extra year of student loans or payments, and most importantly an entire year of her life where she has to essentially live apart and wait for her H to catch up do not factor in here?

You did not lie about the garbage, but OP's lie of omission is flagrant.


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## MadeInMichigan (May 8, 2012)

Acorn said:


> So the fact that all her plans for the next year are now ruined, the fact that there will be an extra year of student loans or payments, and most importantly an entire year of her life where she has to essentially live apart and wait for her H to catch up do not factor in here?
> 
> You did not lie about the garbage, but OP's lie of omission is flagrant.


I agree.....but I was merely pointing out to another poster that not all omissions are lies.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.
> 
> Words actually do have specific meanings.


Wow, I completely disagree, deceitful behavior is wrong regardless of it being a lie or an "omission". 

I could understand if it were an omission by mistake, but willfully hiding something is just as bad as lying about it.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.
> 
> Words actually do have specific meanings.


I gotta agree with you on this, I don't think he set out to be dishonest in the same way a WS sets out to be dishonest in their affair(s).
Regarding this situation, I would be more concerned about the intent behind the lie, not so much the lie itself.
Lies are not inherently a good thing, but there are lies & then there lies. 
Let's be truthful here, people lie on a daily basis, some big, some small, some those little white lies that just about everyone says.
I think the OP's wife is over-reacting about the situation, almost to the point of intentionally over-reacting.
Call it my pessimism, but when I see people over-react to situations, it does give me pause to their motivation.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.
> 
> Words actually do have specific meanings.


if you are hiding something.. its a lie


what was having you fail in the first place? and you spouse should be the first and one person to go to with ANY and EVERYTHING! you should be able to tell her despite her reaction, that should not stop you from sharing something that important.
another thing it think is actually weird on her part is not so much her leaving for you lying to her about graduating together, but is it that easy to walk out the door on your husband because of that? you are both the number one supprter for each other. that should have been something you two discussed together. way before it got to this..is there something else tying into it?


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

phenix70 said:


> i gotta agree with you on this, i don't think he set out to be dishonest in the same way a ws sets out to be dishonest in their affair(s).
> Regarding this situation, i would be more concerned about the intent behind the lie, not so much the lie itself.
> Lies are not inherently a good thing, but there are lies & then there lies.
> Let's be truthful here, people lie on a daily basis, some big, some small, some those little white lies that just about everyone says.
> ...


nicely put!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, the good news is that since you're still a student you can avail yourself of the college's counseling service. I'd start there. After a few sessions perhaps you will know better how to involve your wife. Not telling her this probably wasn't so much about lying but about not confiding which is a different level of intimacy that she likely expected from you. All that time you were suffering and thinking you had to catch up, etc. She could have been on your side. You made her the enemy and you didn't even ask! That's the issue here. You made a decision for her about how she was going to react to your troubles. It's never a good idea to prevent someone from being sympathetic to you in your time of need. Especially a spouse. I hope this provides some insight into the specific hurt you caused.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, the good news is that since you're still a student you can avail yourself of the college's counseling service. I'd start there. After a few sessions perhaps you will know better how to involve your wife. Not telling her this probably wasn't so much about lying but about not confiding which is a different level of intimacy that she likely expected from you. All that time you were suffering and thinking you had to catch up, etc. * She could have been on your side. You made her the enemy and you didn't even ask! That's the issue here. You made a decision for her about how she was going to react to your troubles.* It's never a good idea to prevent someone from being sympathetic to you in your time of need. Especially a spouse. I hope this provides some insight into the specific hurt you caused.


:iagree: 
Especially to the bolded.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> if you are hiding something.. its a lie


Now, that's a lie.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Po12345 said:


> Wow, I completely disagree, deceitful behavior is wrong regardless of it being a lie or an "omission".
> 
> I could understand if it were an omission by mistake, but willfully hiding something is just as bad as lying about it.


and I would also add to that.....

Selective sight, hearing and memory are also lies. Harder to prove maybe, and harder to prosecute as we can see in the political and financial sector......but still, a partner who can't remember **** maybe shouldn't be your partner.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> Withholding information is not the same thing as a lie. It's dumb, and it may or may not have consequences, but it ain't a lie.
> 
> Words actually do have specific meanings.



Keep telling yourself this and one day you might believe it. :liar:


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Phenix70 said:


> I think the OP's wife is over-reacting about the situation, almost to the point of intentionally over-reacting.
> Call it my pessimism, but when I see people over-react to situations, it does give me pause to their motivation.



I think this is the right call. I was thinking along the same lines. In fact i have a theory as to what the deeper reason is.

I remember girls in college always tried to stay away from guys who smelled 'loser'. (not saying you are one, just that by failing and falling behind her, for her you are starting to smell that way). In all likelihood she will probably start earning before you and even may have to support you for a while (a no-no for most women). And THIS is what the fuss is all about. The "lies" may hurt but at the end its just a cover to protect her against your lagging career 

If you want her back you just have to convince her that you will get your career back on track (and of course show her).


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Everyone I know that got married in college is now getting divorced, been divorced or is generally unhappy with life. I still firmly believe marriage before 30 should be banned.....


totally disagree 

ive seen plenty of people who married after 30 divorce usually they are on their 2nd or 3rd divorce as well.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Talk to her. Tell her WHY you lied...because you love her and felt ashamed of failing and didn't want her to see you as a failure. Tell her it's not an excuse. Tell her you're sorry and it won't happen again. And live up to that promise.


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