# he cant come home or wont???



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

somewhat separated for almost 9 weeks. has kept up all responsibilities. 11/2 weeks ago found out he is in a full blown midlife crisis...( see older posts please)
now hw says he isnt coming home. too much fighting...what a bunch of bs. I have done nothing these past 2 months but care for me and our girls...giving him some space, at his parents. now he cant come home??? wtf. is this the crisis or him speaking??? someone help. I am not ready to quit fighting for our marriage or our girls to have their father at home where he f25347g belongs. insight please!!!!!!


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

What was the reason or circumstances, if any, other than midlife crisis, that he moved out?

Would you/he agree to counseling?


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

he didnt feel like a man anymore, too much bickering, he didnt have control over anything in his life...doesnt me to hurt me though!?? 
i was and still go to counceling, he has no interest...says it is good for me but he doubts it would help him...cop out? he is running from his fears and problems. i want to be there for him, to listen...i want to start the next half of our lives together. i just dont know how much linger i can keep it up on my own. he is so filled with anger and resentment. geared towards me and the marriage that he sees nothing else that is goin on!
we have 2 small daughters who only know that dad is working nights too. this isnt too bad as he used to work different shifts b4.
it seems as if it is nothing but mixed signals and picking a fight to justify his off the wall reasoning!


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's good you're getting counseling though. I would suggest giving him space, but also remind him, when you do talk to him that you still love him and want the both of you together again. I know it's hard. If all else fails, prepare to move on with your life and be there for your daughters.

My wife and I were separated 18 months, before she filed for divorce...because I wouldn't move back home. Our circumstances were different, because we both went through long extensive counseling before the marriage collapsed...and have agreed to more counseling after the divorce was filed


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

wow! i am sorry for you too! it is that right now no matter what i say or do is still wrong...then he wants to get in bed with me...sorry to be blunt. this is by no means the man i married.i fell as if i have to keep fighting so to speak for first and foremost our children and for the both of us! he is so irrational most of the time i could scream! EVERYONE who knows anything about what is going on thinks he is crazy and making a huge mistake...he needs to see that on his own i guess, unfortunately for now he just doesnt!
? did the counceling help you as a couple at all? i sometimes feel i am and will continue to get way more out of it then he would. he cant even tell anyone WHY...how the heck could anyone help w/o some serious digging??


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

The counseling actually made things somewhat worse for us at first, then it got a little better...and then a year later my wife kept suggesting we separate and I moved out. I refused to move back home, because I knew that unless the MANY issues were resolved, we'd only end up separating again. 

After my wife filed for the divorce, our new pastor asked that we try counseling with him. We both reluctantly agreed but won't stop the divorce process, unless the counseling and/or a miracle causes us to have a successful reconciliation. My wife has alot of anger and resentment that has helped destroy the marriage, among other issues between us.

It's too bad that your H can't tell you why he moved out and/or feels as he does. If he's irrational and refuses counseling, please continue going for you and the children...to help you cope. He may be battling depression as well?


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

depression at first...cymbalta didnt help, made things worse. as recent as last monday he was in for his check up...doc did bloodwork.3 days later we find out he is almost depleted of testosterone.
doc prescribed androgel ( t replacement therapy) and also discussed all of his other symptoms as well...mid- life crisis. andropause is the medical term...
yes, depression and all the rest add up to one UNHAPPY person! i just hope and pray that the medicine will start to help, then possibly counceling and we can work through this.
i dont mean to excuse his poor behavior by any means however i want to understand as much as possible what he is going through. it is not me or the marriage, it is life in general and i hope he sees that b4 he makes anymore hasty, life changing decisions!


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I fully understand and sympathize with what you're going through. My wife has been battling depression off and on for most of 21 years of marriage. She had been in and out of individual counseling and had her meds changed at least 3 times. Apparently her latest meds are aren't working either, because she's irritable and difficult to talk to much of the time...one of the reasons we're separated.

Even though we're trying counseling again, there's no guarantees it will work (especially before the divorce is final in 3-5 months), because of the serious issues...


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok so last night i had no sleep...scared to death he will never come home. this morning it gets even worse...
get a call from our 3rd graders teacher...she has completely withdrawn. not doing homework, failing tests and disrupting the class. we knew this and have been communicating with the teacher. i called my husband to let him know they want to put her into a tutoring/couceling group to help her overcome this...we are all for it and will take part.
what PISSES me off is that he doesnt see the obvious! WHY cant he see and accept that his absence is getting at her??? even tho he is still around, it is not like it used to be. why wont he stand up and take what WE as parents owe our children in doing all we can to save this marriage, to deal with the problems, not run from them??? this man is by no means dumb...just stubborn. i know the mlc has to do with it but this is his DAUGHTER...any suggestions on how i can effectively communicate this to him???


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Lost man I feel for you. You are experiencing everything I told my wife and our parents told her. My daughter is in 3rd grade alos and very sensitive. I mentioned to wife when we discussed me moving out. This was at the time school was to start. I didn't want to put that stress on her. That her school work would suffer. SO I got her to realize that. This was the constant work I had to do to get her to see damage that was going to be done.. Her family begged me not to move out... I am glad I didn't.. I know its like beating your head when they can't see the damage being done or won't face it.. Hang in there and continue to work I hope for the best.


----------



## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

Lost- we are living paralleling lives at the moment. My wife has been gone 14 weeks and I still have no real idea why! It appears to be a mid life crisis at times (WHATEVER THAT EVEN MEANS) as she also wants to quit her career as a director of a software company and go back to be a Buddhist instructor. Funny thing is, I completely support her if that is what she wants to do. However, she tells me that I never supported her and her goals for 18 years and I do not bring the best out in her. I just could not believe it when she said this. She regularly makes comments about what a great job I am doing on making changes and then torpedoes the same weeks later only to say she needs them to be permanent; while adding new reasons why she cannot come home. Our daughter is an extremely bright 11 year old who until recently was placing near the very top in all her age group testing nationally- now- is crying daily; says she hates her mother; is calling from school with stomach aches weekly; and has transitioned from a boisterous and laughing kid to a child who seems wanting of a smile and a life that used to be. School work has suffered. While I have her in counseling, it does not seem to be working. My daughter tells me that all the talking to the counselor in the world won't give us the answer on why mom just walked out on the family and won't talk to us on why or what she needs from us to support her. It is a painful process indeed; however, know that there is always life on the other side of a tragedy. I must say, however, that this is the worst experience of my entire life; much more difficult than losing my father or other loved ones in the past. It's as if someone you have been walking hand in hand in through all aspects of life for two decades dissapeared as it applies to you, but you can still see and talk to them. A very sobering experience indeed!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lost: I am truly sorry for all that your going through. I totally get it! 

I am wondering how are you coming across to your daughter? Just a thought. If she sees you distant or always crying or holed up in your room then she will be even MORE affected by your H's absence. If she see's you coping and in control then SHE will feel more in control. Even if you aren't in control and only faking it around her is better than the other.

Just a thought.


----------



## MBuck26 (Sep 13, 2009)

sometimes problems are best solved when you remove yourself,thoughts,and feelings ,all from the situaton, we always tend to think that we have to always DO something when things are happening around us , sometimes the answer is doing nothing ,getting out of the way and allowing God to do it ..have you ever considered maybe you are not wrestling against this situation ,but rather contending against what God wills at this time ..what if he is teaching something to you, and your missing it . and if he didnt see fit for your daughter to suffer through this he wouldnt have allowed it ..even Jesus suffered unto bloodshed .do you think you will not have to endure any pain ? pain can be good it can be used as a tool towards growth , when things are too good or fine we get comfortable and complacent and we stop growing . sometimes it takes extreme things to knock us back into reality and remind us that we have not arrived yet and the fight is not yet won ..there is a reson jesus admonishes us to put on the full armor of God ..because we re in a battle , however I never remember him mentioning taken your armor off.. everyone will cringe and attempt to run when pain is inflicted , however those nails in Jesus hands made sure he couldnt go anywhere until his job was finished..and you and I wont be going anywhere eithier until God is done wroughting out of us what he pleases..there is more I could say on this but wont good luck..psalms 46:10 -Be STILL and KNOW that I am God..


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

c,
i am as strong and as normal as ever around my girls...thats why i continue therapy as it keeps giving me the strength. we are BOTH here for her and she knows that we do spend time together as a family...however i think she is in a childs way expressing her frustrations and anger at her dad always having to go back to work. this is what we have been telling both girls after discussing all the options. it isnt out ouf the ordinary for them as he has worked shift work forever...


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

ok, after another lousey day and another sleepless night i have comt to realize something...i think...
I am so utterly disgusted with this whole situation.Not to mention the other million feelings we are all going through!
I am stsrting to believe that all of this anger, resentment, indecisiveness, mood swings. outbursts, selfishness, pity and again the other million issues our spouses are having are all about them being unhappy with themselves...i know i have read this over and over...its like a light went off when I got my morning phone call from h this morning...
I think I am gonna back away, have a bit of a cold shoulder (unless it involves our children) and just sit and wait for the snowball effect to run its course! there is no getting through to him,YES i want my husband to come home...I guess he has actually been right all along in saying it is him not me...he needs to fix himself...its not me that is doing anything wrong.he is tearing a once happy family apart because he cant deal with his own fears and the such. I cant stand the person he has become, where the hell did my real husband go???:scratchhead:


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

All you can do is fix yourself.. Work on making you better.. Not saying that your husband sn't at fault but the only person you can change is yourself. Don't give him the cold shoulder. Give him the loving one. The more you get angry and hold back the more it confirms why hes doing it. So put on the happy face and make it seem like everything is great..


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Backing off is a good way to get distance for youself. It's hard to not be so wrapped up in this mess. Plus, backing off will allow him to think about things on his own. 

I agree with Loving Husband regarding the cold shoulder. Put on a happy face. Small talk, happy talk, and NO relationship talk. 

It's crazy and difficult. I know it sucks. Just control what you can-you!


----------



## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

thanks to C and LH! i know you are right and i am fuming that this is stating to affect our children and he STILL will not act like an adult sometimes!


----------

