# House arrest



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

This is a question to waywards who are wanting to reconcile and save their marriage.

How do you feel about the person you betrayed expecting you to basically be on house arrest. Not indefinitely, but at least for a while to prove you aren't going to fall back into cheating again?

I'm not talking about not being able to go shopping, work, visit family members...stuff like that.

I'm talking about when you are not doing something for the benefit of the family, then you should be at home. And if going out and blowing off steam is desired, then it should be with your spouse?

If I were to have stayed with my x-wife, then one of the things I'd have expected of her is that she no longer gets to go on her "girls nights out". I didn't mind it prior to the affair because I trusted her. But IMO, she f'd up that privilege (that being of a trusting man that didn't mind her having fun with her friends).

Waywards, would that be acceptable to you seeing as how you pretty much screwed that up? Is it too much to ask a spouse to start acting like a spouse and refrain from activities that are more suitable for single people?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Yes, that absolutely should be expected. But it shouldn't be called house arrest. It's called a "reasonable marital boundary"; and it's all the more reasonable for a cheating spouse.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It's one of those things I consider "temporary conditions of reconciliation". They aren't 'forever' going to have that house arrest, but it will last until their betrayed spouse can feel some level of comfort and there is some trust restored. It's done in small steps.

If reconciliation is working right, the BS will eventually have enough faith in their spouse that they won't worry when they are 'out of sight'. That is the long term goal.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Racer said:


> It's one of those things I consider "temporary conditions of reconciliation". They aren't 'forever' going to have that house arrest, but it will last until their betrayed spouse can feel some level of comfort and there is some trust restored. It's done in small steps.
> 
> If reconciliation is working right, the BS will eventually have enough faith in their spouse that they won't worry when they are 'out of sight'. That is the long term goal.


:iagree:

When I let him come home, he had to let me know where he was pretty much every minute. He knew it too. He was doing everything he could think of to set my mind at ease - he WANTED to do it. For example, his female hairdresser works out of her home. He'd been going to her for years. I actually didn't know she'd moved to her home - last I knew she worked at a salon. Anyway, I went with him a couple of times when he got his hair cut (he actually offered this when I expressed discomfort - I didn't have to ask) so I could see what her setup was and get a feel for things. After that it was fine. He used to curl twice a week, one mixed league and one mens, he dropped the mixed league.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Racer said:


> It's one of those things I consider "temporary conditions of reconciliation". They aren't 'forever' going to have that house arrest, but it will last until their betrayed spouse can feel some level of comfort and there is some trust restored. It's done in small steps.
> 
> If reconciliation is working right, the BS will eventually have enough faith in their spouse that they won't worry when they are 'out of sight'. That is the long term goal.


This is how I see it. A BS shouldn't expect to be ok with certain things a WS might think should be their right to do, at least initially. 

Like you said, eventually the BS, if wanting to reconcile, should come to a point where some trust is restored making things less restrictive.

However I think a WS, if used to partying, should refrain from that point on unless with the spouse. No clubbing, bar hopping, etc without spouse.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

This again goes back to BS playing bad cop/parole officer it's a sh!tty job and there is little "thanks I was being a thoughtless fool" response.

You usually end up with a grumpy or worse teenager on restriction response that makes the BS feel like a doormat or an unreasonable jerk. 

If the WS is still pushing boundaries they haven't owned their weak areas and done the work to reinforce boundaries and earn back trust.

This kind if stuff just makes me wonder if R is really worth it. If I have to be on alert, and my H is testing my limits he is done. His probation is not particularly strict. It doesn't need to be. He's aware of the issues that got us there. If he wants to test me he will find out I have my lawyer on speed dial.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I think there are going to be some WS that will do anything to make it right and have no problem whatsoever getting there asses home after work or doing whatever it is they need to do away from the home.
I think those will gladly refrain from going out with "the guys" or the "girls night out" if they want to keep their spouse and family intact. I even think they won't even have a desire to do so as their family is more important.

Those that don't want to give up certain activities and behaviors should be given a pink slip.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Eventually GNO at female friends house until say midnight = fine.

GNO at clubs / pick up joints = never. Should be never FOR BOTH SPOUSES.

3 kinds of men are at a dance club. Players looking to bed her, gay dudes looking to bed you, men dragged there by the females in their lives.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Eventually GNO at female friends house until say midnight = fine.


Oh I agree. Eventually. I'm not suggesting that a WS has to refrain from going out with friends indefinitely. But in the early stages where everything is still very raw for the BS, its a sign of disrespect as far as I'm concerned.




> GNO at clubs / pick up joints = never. Should be never FOR BOTH SPOUSES.


I agree with this too. I don't care what anyone says, there is a reason to go to clubs, and it isn't to "just dance". 

If one wants to act single, they should have stayed single.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Anything that gave the WS opportunity to further the cheating has to be eliminated. Whether that is opposite-sex friendships, toxic friends, GNO's, a locked cell phone, etc.

WS sacrificed their trustworthiness in favor of some cheap thrills, and at the expense of their real relationships. That trust is not supposed to be immediately returned to them. They need to re-earn it, bit by bit.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

That's the rub: you will NEVER have that same blind trust again, with her or any other partner. Your trust will always fall in a gray area.

Affairs leave you forever altered.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Doing everything an attentive ,caring, loving partner would do is required. 

Doing everything that a lying, devious, untransparent partner would do is not required.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I know boundaries must change. Those will have to be permanent changes. The issue is, I don't think it's possible to change those without seeming like an ogre.


If I am seen as an ogre for requiring that he change in a way that helps prevent future temptations and correct boundary issues in order to ease my pain and build a stronger marriage, then tough. He is free to pack up and go at any time.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> I do agree with this, but it brought up a thought. You all do know that it doesn't have to be a GNO for a WS to find another AP, right?
> 
> I know I'm playing, "devils advocate", but it was the first thing that came to mind. You basically have to have the same, blind trust, you did before the affair, either way. It seems, then, that it's just a punishment as you might give a child.
> 
> I guess I need perspective.


Well there's a thing. You can't control them. You need to have some trust, or else why bother at all right? But you are giving trust to someone who has aleeady proven beyond any shadow of a doubt that they should not be trusted. I don't know if the trust will never fully return, or if there will always be some doubt. Part of the heavy price the infidelity extracts from both the WS and BS.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I do agree with this, but it brought up a thought. You all do know that it doesn't have to be a GNO for a WS to find another AP, right?


Oh absolutely, this is just one of the big issues.




> I know I'm playing, "devils advocate", but it was the first thing that came to mind. You basically have to have the same, blind trust, you did before the affair, either way.


I disagree. There are certain things that are just part of everyday life that have to be expected (going shopping, etc).
Doesn't mean you turn a blind eye to activities that are inappropriate.




> It seems, then, that it's just a punishment as you might give a child.


So you are saying that a BS should say, "sure, go ahead and go clubbing and rubbing yourself up against someone else....I have to trust you right?"

Its not punishment. Those are activities that aren't appropriate for someone who is married in the first place. And if partying is more important to someone that has proven themselves untrustworthy, then they don't need to be married.

Simply put, if someone wants to act single, then they should be single.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Here is where I think you have to have trust. It's a sort of, "turning a blind eye", because, as I stated, you cannot watch everything. That would be controlling and ridiculously tedious.


Nor would I suggest a BS should watch "everything". But there are certain behaviors a BS should expect a WS to refrain. And if WS doesn't want to refrain, then WS should be given a pink slip.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

2ntnuf said:


> Seems as though, the WS needs to come back to the BS and really want to be there, for any of this to happen.


This is it exactly. There is nothing on earth a BS can do to prevent the WS from cheating again, without becoming a total control freak and locking them up. There comes a point where you have to put the ball back in the WS's court and start trusting. The WS's behaviour has everything to do with when this happens, and if the WS is just biding their time looking for another chance to cheat their behaviour will show that. If a BS chooses to stay with someone who is not invested in the relationship and who won't remain faithful, that's their choice. 

There is a big difference between staying married and reconciling.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

vellocet said:


> Nor would I suggest a BS should watch "everything". But there are certain behaviors a BS should expect a WS to refrain. And if WS doesn't want to refrain, then WS should be given a pink slip.


The WS needs to prove that they're worth it. They should WANT to prove they're worth it. Refraining from these behaviours is one thing they can do to prove it. If the BS has to force the WS to smarten up, the WS isn't remorseful.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I'm not going to be a warden. Her exile from "outside" life is self imposed.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm just not OK with having to constantly be on guard as if my spouse has no self control without constant reminding or reinforcement.

I've never cheated, never been tempted. Not for lack of opportunity. Not because my marriage was always perfect but I was still married.

My job requires me to be in environments that many would think spelled disaster. I have to go to bars/clubs and socializing is just part of my job. As is contact with men. Yet I've not strayed or crossed the line.

My H works a day job, he is an exec. It was his career that caused more issues in our marriage. It was his career that led to him meeting the OW.

I would go to a gig get home at 2 or 3 am shower so I didn't smell like smoke and stay up to make him breakfast and say good morning. This was not every night, but there was a time when it was frequent. I went on tour for short stints. But he traveled for his career and I went along. 

We are working on R but if he leaves me feeling unsettled or like I need to supervise him like a horny teenager he will find his bags in the driveway. I can't live like that long term. And if he doesn't like it short term...again, non negotiable.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

joe kidd said:


> I'm not going to be a warden. Her exile from "outside" life is self imposed.


And it should be self imposed. If I had cheated on anyone and wanted a 2nd chance, you better believe I'd be getting my ass home whenever I wasn't at work or doing necessary things.


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