# Need Input/Advice please!!!



## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Hi all, I need some input/advice. I posted about a suspected EA in this thread here, Another emotional affair

This last Thursday we had individual sessions with the same counselor and something she tasked us with was to write three things that we wanted the other to start doing and stop doing in order to help our relationship. Well our next appointment is tonight together. I’m not sure if she’s written hers or not but I have mine. They aren’t very long but I feel they are things we’ve talked about before.

Now on to my dilemma. As I mentioned in the other thread I have fairly concrete proof that she isn’t being honest with me about her EA, proof in the form of emails. I am holding this information back in hopes that she will see the error of her ways but so far nothing. Over the last week or so I have been giving her the space she asked for but she has been so cold to me that I feel she isn’t really trying to work things out. I think she is just stringing me along because I pay all of the house bills. The only bill she is responsible for is paying our daughter’s (9 years old) tuition for the school she goes to. I’m feeling that the only reason that she says she wants to work on things is that she is afraid that I would leave and stick her with all of the bills which she can’t afford. Well I wouldn’t do that mainly because of our daughter but also because the last time we were separated and I moved out (@ 3yrs ago) she let the bills slip so much that the house was almost foreclosed on and they were about to turn off the power and water. Not to mention that the HOA ended up filing lawsuit for non-payment. Mind you I was giving her money to help with all of the bills she just wasn’t taking care of them.

Anyway, I am considering telling her in tonights session that if she doesn’t end the “friendship” then we are through and that I will no longer support her. 

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EDIT: I realize now that these were stupid thoughts and have since changed my mind, although any and all input/advice would still be appreciated.
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By that I mean I will remove her from my auto insurance and health insurance and I will take the gas credit card back. I know this sounds vindictive and it partly is but why should I continue to provide for her when she really isn’t interested in being married anymore and is only using me to pay the bills. Now for the part I really need some input on, I am also considering asking her to move out, she can go stay with her father. I can 99.9% guarantee she will say no in which case I was thinking about having the locks changed while she is at work. I would never keep her from seeing our daughter. She would pick her up from school and on the nights she has to work I would have her and on the nights she doesn’t then she would. My only hesitation here is any legal ramifications that might come up.
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I know part of my thoughts here are mostly because I am hurt but I feel that I need to show her that I will not be taken advantage of and she needs to accept the consequences of her actions.

Please, any and all input, good or bad would be greatly appreciated. I need to know if I am waaayyyy off base here or not.

Thanks for reading.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Don't do anything without consulting your attorney! Changing locks and removing her from insurance etc. could cost you dearly if divorce comes about. I am currently separated and hoping for the best but I have prepared for the worst! My attorney has given me sound advice to follow and you should seek for advice with your situation. But whatever you do DO NOT MOVE OUT!


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

sirch is right, I wouldn't do anything that rash. Locking her out of her house, although you might pay the mortagage, it is still her place of residence too. She is legally your wife, so if you take measures that rash, she would have a leg to stand on , to take a lot from you if a divorce comes about. I would simply be honest with her, tell her you do not intend to tolerate it anymore, and that if it does not stop, that you will leave. going from a therapists meeting to locking her out while she's at work ,will only imflame the situation more. Go about a separation and divorce legally. If you want to have some space, then talk it over with her, and see what the two of you can come up with.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Thank you both so much for your replies and after thinking about it and looking around on the web I now realize that it would be a big mistake to go that route. I think part of my attitude there stems from when we were separated before. I stupidly left because she said she needed her space to think things through and decide if she still wanted to be married, I still wanted it to work so I obliged. A week after I moved out she changed the locks on me and I was pissed. So I think I was trying to "get even" so to say, in a do it to her before she can do it to me kind of way.

Its just so frustrating knowing that she is lying and wont own up to it and she keeps blow smoke up my you know what that she wants to stay together. I want to believe her but I know better. Like you said I just need to be honest with her and let her know that I know what is really going on and I wont put up with it anymore.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

By all means you should not have to put up with it! Confront her as soon as you are face to face. Tell her how you feel and then let her decide what she really wants. If she wants the other guy then let her have him. I know it is hard but you must stand strong, as I said get yourself an attorney and find out what your options are.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Well, its over.

I asked her tonight if she still wanted to be married. She admitted that her feelings had changed but that if we could grow as individuals and become stronger separately that we would make a strounger couple. I brought up that almost more importantly that we needed to be honest with each other. At this point I asked her if there was anything going on between her and TOM. She looked me dead in the eye and said no. What makes it so much worse is that last weekend I asked her the same question and she swore on our daughters life that nothing was going on. I then asked if she wanted to explain the emails I found. This is when she said it was over, which I said fine, I couldnt be with someone who would lie so easily to me.

I am so angry and hurt right now but there is also a part of me that is relieved. Its going to be a rough time coming up.

Thanks for the support all.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Its going to be rough mas1208, but you must be strong for your kids sake. Do not let your kid or wife see you as weak! Whenever you see your wife, no matter how hurt you are inside do not let it show. Put on a [email protected]* eating grin, and make everything seem (at least to her) that you are moving on. It may may be hard or tough love but go no contact for a while, except when contact is required because of your children. It is going to be hard but it might be what you need. I am sure you will get other advice that may be better, just follow your gut instinct and try to be there for your kids.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How are you doing Mas12108? How about an update.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Hi Initfortheduration,

Thank you for asking. Things have been as well as can be expected. As far as she is concerned we are still getting a divorce and I'm not doing anything to change her mind. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her and would love to work on our marriage but she seems set in her ways. We’ll still talk about everyday things and such but a lot of the time she seems so cold and indifferent.

I have my good days and bad days, like this last Friday night (3/13) our daughter had an over-night at my brothers and so my wife said she was going to go out with some girl friends from her day job and she might just stay the night with one of them. Now I have no basis for it but I just couldn’t help but get the feeling that she was really spending the night with a guy. Probably just my paranoia but I didn’t sleep well that night.

As far as separating and divorcing goes she is being great. She has agreed that we will have shared custody of our daughter, which is nice because last time she seemed like she was going to fight me on that. As far as the assets and finances go, we have about 15k worth of medical dept (among others) which is 95% hers and the rest our daughters. She said she will not burden me with her part of that and we will split the rest. I'm not sure how the courts will want us to handle this but she said either way she will take care of it.

The only challenge right now is the timing of everything. We are not very good house keepers so our home is a mess and it will take a while to just get it cleaned up. Once that is done then we need to focus on getting it ready to sell: patching, painting and yard work and such. This could take a while, maybe up to 6 months depending on how hard we work. Once it’s ready to be put on the market I think she'll probably move in with her father. The catch for me is I can’t afford to pay the mortgage on the house and rent on an apartment until it sells so I'll most likely end up back in my parent’s basement apartment. Luckily I should be able to save some money this way and there are two bedrooms so I won’t have to sacrifice any time with my daughter.

It’s just going to be so hard spending so much time with her in the same house (sleeping in separate rooms now) knowing that she may be moving on with her life without me. I've been actually thinking about joining something like eHarmony or Match.com just to see if I could find someone to do things with. I'm not looking to start dating again but I just need to get out and do the things that I want to do and maybe with someone that enjoys them as well.

My biggest obstacle is my self esteem. I briefly mentioned it my original thread, but my wife is the only woman I really dated. Not that I wasn’t looking but I was just to timid and shy to find anyone, probably because I was afraid of being rejected. So the thought of going back out there and trying to fine someone is very daunting. Like I already said I’m not looking to jump right back into another relationship though. There is a small part of me that is actually looking forward to being on my own but I am the type of person that enjoys and wants companionship. 

Something I use to help me through the rough days is thinking about fixing up a car I have. For the past 14 years I’ve had a 1969 Ford Mustang convertible sitting in the garage. I’ve never had the money to really work on it, and it needs a LOT of work but I figure once the house is sold and we split the proceeds I am going to take part of that and start fixing that baby up.

Thanks for reading,

Mike.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Well this morning things took an interesting turn.

My (soon to be Ex) wife works event staffing for the sports teams here. Last night there was a game that ended at 9:30pm but she didnt get home until 1:30am. I heard her come in so I went downstairs and asked if everything was ok. She said she had to work post game, I'm thinking yeah right and that took an extra 4 hours!?!?! So anyway this morning I get up early to go to the gym and notice that the middle seat of her van is reclined, something is definitely afoot. While I'm at the gym I start thinking more about it so when I get home I decide to look a little more. I look around and see a plastic bag and guess what I found in side? A USED F-ING COMDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am enraged at this point so I take it and come up stairs and she is in the bathroom getting ready for work. I barge in and throw it at her and say "Care to explain this?". Her answer? "I planted that" so I say "Ok where did you get the sperm?" here she claims to have gotten it from a girl at work (the used condom). This just doesnt make any sense, why would she need to plant it? She already knows that I snooped in her emails and in a paper work folder she has, so why would she need to plant something like that, what would she have to gain!?!

Again she tries to shift the blame to me for invading her privacy. I keep asking her to just tell me the truth but she is set in her ways and refuses to acknowledge that I busted her.

EDIT: I also wanted to clarify that the person she was with, or that I believe she was with anyway, is not the same guy as she was having the EA with. When looking through her emails the last time I found one she sent to a co-worker back in January where she said that her and her best friend were going to be getting a room after they went out on a friday night and was hoping he could stay too.


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## Pavlov (Nov 18, 2008)

She is seeing someone else. I am sorry to say. There is no other reasonable explanation. 

How are you doing on the attorney front? If at all possible I would urge you to avoid lawyers. If you are reasonably smart and have a good deal of time you ought to do the divorce your self it should not be that hard if both parties are agreeable.

The reason I am urging this is that most attorneys are not going to change the outcome of your case that is up to the judge and they can literally do anything they want.

So option 1) pay attorney, lots of money, you will definitely regret and then maybe lose anyhow. 

Or option 2) dont pay attorney, you still might lost anyhow.

At least with option 2 you keep your money. Take it from a host of experiences, do not spend your money as your first response. Keep hold of your money for as long as possible.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help - Marriage Problem Solving

Try this. 

You are being an A$$. You started this war, you need to end it. If you are serious about wanting to work things out with honesty, then you need to fix yourself first.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

Neither of us could afford a lawyer anyway. We plan on representing ourselves and going through mediation.

Thank you for the advice, its greatly appreciated!


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

You say you want to fix things. Then stop talking about it and DO IT.


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## mas1208 (Feb 24, 2009)

snix11 said:


> You say you want to fix things. Then stop talking about it and DO IT.


As far as I am concerned we are done, after what I found yesterday I'm not putting up with her crap anymore.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

And she should put up with your crap why?? Just remember, you started this war - you made the ultimatums. If you don't fix YOU, you are gonna be in the same position a few years down the line. Good luck.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

man, I am sorry to hear that mas1208.... the used condom in the car being planted? nope... give me a break, she was lying.

That's so ridiculous... planting a used condom with semen in it... 
I am sorry that you had to find that, it must have really hurt.

But, you deserve much better than that.


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

You need to learn to talk together. As long as you are attacking her like this, you will get nowhere.


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