# just found out about cheating husband



## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Hi. I just found out that my husband of 7 yrs slept with someone I considered a friend. I am at a hotel for the night. He slept with her with I was out of town this week in MY house in MY bed. How could I have been so blind and stupid? I dont know what to do. A part of me still loves him but I can ever trust him let alone let him ever touch me again. I dont know what to do. I feel sick when I think about it. Can someone please help me? Thanks


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## fairydust (Mar 28, 2009)

I understand as my H had a affair with our neighbor who was my friend in our house and our bed too.

Were they having an affair or was it a one time thing? Since you just found out you'll go through many emotions like a rollercoaster ride. The best thing is talking with him. 

I can understand you wanting to get out of the house tonight but I think talking with him will be the best for you both. I still have issues with myself being so blind and stupid as well. But we can't feel that way. I know my H lied and made me feel like I was crazy when I questioned things that seemed a little odd. 

Keep reading on this site. It has helped to know so many people in the same situation your in now. I hope your H is willing to do all that you need in order to help you recover. It does get better with time.

Unfortunately for me my H wasn't helpful enough. I've lost the emotional connection and feel were over but many other people have survived this tragedy but a lot of that has to do with your WS and helping you get through this.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

He says it was just the one time. But this woman has lived with us on many other occasions. She is a single mom of 3. I trusted him! I am his 2nd wife. His 1st marriage ended in divorce because she was the one who cheated. So i cant understand how he would put me thru the same thing he went thru so many years ago.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I can't understand why anyone would put someone they loved through this but that isn't what goes through their head. Its a totally selfish act. You don't enter the picture. I think you are right you need time away. Do you two have children together? Assuming there are none, I think you need some time to think and to be away from him. 

Problem with cheaters is they ARE liars. So if he thinks you will stay with him if its only once, he will tell you that even if it was 30 times. You can't believe a word he says right now. 

Do you have friends and/or family nearby? You need someone you can be with, don't try to do this alone. 

If you do decide to try to reconcile, I tihnk counseling is essential. Also tell him that he has to be completely honest. As it is it will be difficult to build trust but not impossible if he takes responsibility, and is truly sorry and is completely honest and open. Then you have a chance. 

I am so sorry, I have been in your shoes. Still am. My husband of 15 years (we'd been together 23) who I have 2 children with cheated on me with the babysitter several times and at least once in our own bed. Its a rollercoaster, funny I was turning here because tonight I'm simply feeling depressed. We are reconciling but in our case he decided to withhold information from me, I got it little bits at a time. That was far more painful and I think selfish on his part. He said if I'd known right away how many times he's sure I would have left. Funny, I almost left because he lied about that after we reconciled. Its still rocky, still don't trust him. I still check up on him and he's really trying to make amends and he feels intense guilt.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are going thru this! I've been there and agree with the other posters. I'm going to be very honest though. He cheated on his first wife and now he cheated on you. He doesn't know how to be faithful! I guess whether you stay married or get a divorce will depend on what you are willing to tolerated in the future. And if you can ever trust him again.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

thank you for your replies. His first wife cheated on him..just had to get that clear. I know that because she admitted it to me. I ma raising his 2 kids, so my step-children. I kept telling him that this doesnt just affect us it affects them as well. They already basically lost a mother, she left them with him. And now there is a chance that they will be loosing another mom. And their opinion and feelings for him will change. Its almost 5 in the morning and we just talked for an hour on the phone. I know I maybe stupid but i still love him. i told him that it is going to be really really hard but if he is truly honest with me than maybe with counsiling with our pastor there maybe a chance. I told him that I dont know if i will ever be able to stay in that house. I dont feel as if that is my house anymore. we have talked for months about selling...maybe this is the time. Maybe if we have a new house and counsiling and complete honesty from both of us maybe just maybe it can be a new start. Am I talking rationally? insane? hopefully? stupid? I dont know.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

I am sitting in the hotel room again tonight. He told me this morning that he would be by so we can talk. He went up to his parents instead. What am I going to do? I feel as if he isnt willing to work this out. Am I stupid? Do I just walk away? I still love him, am I wrong? I am more confused than yesterday. I know god is here with me but I dont know what to do. Am i wrong to try to believe him? Am i wrong to give him another chance? I feel so alone? I want my best friend, the one I trusted and believed in back. Will I ever get that again? Will I ever feel that trust and love again? i dont know anymore.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

When I was younger, I always said if my dh cheated on me, that was a deal killer.

But as I've grown older and wiser, I better understand how crap happens to a spouse. And I do NOT believe the "once a cheater always a cheater". 

Some people who stray do it and then regret it and have remorse. If you are a person who could forgive or want to try to forgive him once for this one time, then you can try, I see no harm in that especially considering the kids issues. That is important.

I would try to forgive my dh one time because we've gone through some really tough issues and I've not always been there for him nor he for me, and circumstances just happen sometimes and a spouse looks to another for comfort at a stupid moment without intending.

(not sure how I ever got to this resolution because am highly anti-cheating) 

I've seen more than one instance where a couple will share their home with a "friend" who is divorced or single out of kindness..and an affair happens. 

Best not to expose a marriage to temptations. Did you never notice anything between them, flirtatiousness or eye contact, teasing each other?


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

They flirted with each other once but alcohol was involved. He told me it would never happen again. Now im beginning to think that maybe something was going on all along. I still love him thats the problem. I am anti-cheating too. You make a vow to someone, how can you break that vow? I would NEVER do anything like that. i want to forgive him but how can i when he says he wants to work things out but his actions are the opposite. I am so confused right now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm sorry I missed that part; that his first wife cheated on him. Not the other way around.

So what was his excuse for visiting with his parents instead of meeting with you? Although I have always been very "anti-cheating", I have mellowed a bit on the subject with age. I realize no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. With that being said, I could go along with forgiving the other person once. But, is that person remorseful and will it happen again? Unfortunately your husband doesn't seem to be there yet. His actions and words don't match. That says a lot to me! Also, where is the other woman now? Did she move out of your house? Has she said anything to you? I'm curious....how did you discover the affair?


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

He came clean with it the morning after I got home from visiting my parents. I kicked her and her kids out. I drove her back to her brothers house. No, she hasnt said anything to me. He said it only happened once and he is very sorry. I jsut got a text from him about 30 mins ago saying that we will get back together. He hasnt really given me a reason for going over there just that he didnt want to get yelled at again. I told him that he is a coward and not a H for not working this out. I am still here, at home, i really thought about suicide but just dont have the nerve to go thru with it. Is that normal? Is it normal to not feel like a woman anymore? I feel as if took everything from me, my selfconfidience. i dont feel sexy or pretty anymore. He told the kids, my stepkids, that it only happened once and that it meant nothing so no big deal. My daughter says she doesnt want to come home, she is with her mother for another 2 weeks. So hopefully things will calm down at least a little bit. Im just sitting trying to think of what to do next. Im tired and hungry but cant eat or sleep. When i close my eyes i picture them together. Will that ever go away? I cant live the rest of my life picturing that. It makes me physically sick. I have thought about forgiving him but he has to show me that he is ready to work HARD at making this work. I dont believe in divorce or adultry. It goes against God. (I'm a pastors kid). I know God is here with me. I have friends and family that are supporting me which helps. One of my Hs cousins wife and I have been talking. She has been seperated from her husband for 10 months..different reasons though. But that and now on this site has helped.I want to thank all of you for your advice and kind words.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Don't do anything foolish, girl!! Please! I've been there...tried it twice...obviously it didn't work!  I'm SO glad I don't own a gun! 

Just hang in there. I KNOW it hurts! A lot! It will pass, in time, I promise. 

We're all here for each other! Please continue to post, vent. It does help! 

Eat some crackers, a little bit of toast. Your body still needs it even if your mind (or heart) says no. A little soup...something. I've been there! I didn't eat for days! Get something inside of you. 

I, too, think of them together...but not often. Was she doing him like she did me? Does he do for her what I did? These thoughts are pointless...it won't ever go away...you just have to learn to not think about it. 

I am sorry for what you're going through...I wish I could make the pain go away...but only you can do that.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

I know i should eat but the thought of food just makes me sick to my stomach. I will try food again soon, I promise. And I know suicide is not the answer but when I am in the moment thats all I can think about. Thanks for all the advice and thoughts. I really need it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

in_need_of_help said:


> I would NEVER do anything like that.


If it is ONE thing I've learned in life it is NEVER say NEVER.... because it will come back and _bite you_ at some point in life.

*Example*: You forgive your DH, work it all out, then something happens, and YOU become human and have a human "failure" ONCE. 

In the perfect world none of us would cheat, but humans are not perfect and ONE mistake and the forgiveness that follows may be opportunity for grace.

Not that I am TELLING you to forgive, you are the only one who knows what you want or need to do. Wish I could make things more easy for you, but your soul searching must happen and the good thing is, you grow from these things....I know, it is a sucky way of having to "grow".


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Suicide is turning HIS issue in on yourself, it is running from this and just isn't a rational option. Your DH has a problem, you do not have this problem of weakness of character, he does. 

Talk with him about how he fell, why he thinks he fell. If he can't handle ETOH then he doesn't need to drink except in your presence. 

If you focus on "helping" him, rather than anger, it may help.

And I agree with dcrim, eat something and might I add, get out and do something ALONE and PHYSICAL such as run, find a gym with a punching bag, etc. Mental pain creates pent up physical energy that needs to be wasted.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

I know. I have been doing some cleaning today and spending the day with my pets. I havent been home much this week. That has helped a lot. It just happened this week but I have been thinking about forgiveness. I still love him with all my heart. Is it too soon for forgiveness? Shouldnt he prove to me he wants this to work first? He just called a little while ago and said he is on his way home from his parents. its about an hour and 15 min drive. So we will see how tonight goes. I want to be physical with him but am scared. Im scared that he will be thinking of her. We havent had sex in about 2 months and i am just so scared of the next time we do. Am I moving too fast? I just dont know


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

For me, I would be very cautious. Like you said, it has only been a short time since this has been discovered.

I'd let him do the talking, watching him. Just be sure he understands HE has the problem and HE is going to be under your microscope.

If you want sex, and can do that, I don't see why not, but to be perfectly HONEST I'd ask him to go get an STD check FIRST, sweetheart!

Don't ASSUME your departed roomie was "clean" and "nice" or whatever....just tell him _"Until the tests come back, we don't do the deed regardless of me wanting you...or not..."_

Doing this will likely make you feel better too, if he objects, just stare at him with the look: "Non-negotiable...dear".


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

I know. i have already stressed this to him and he agreed to have it done. I know I have to be cautious because I know the OW has been around ALOT! Thank you for all the advice. It has helped.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I hate to say this, but time does help. As for the forgiveness, he really needs to ask for forgiveness first? Is he ready to do that? Hang in there!


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

He asked for forgiveness earlier. I even dressed up for him...makeup, dress, etc. He is doing things so he doesnt have to face me. Am i an idiot? i want him...i want my best friend back. AI feel as if I read too much into his reactions to me. I feel such a fool. How could i be such an idiot?!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

The hardest thing about an affair is loosing your best friend, because its impossible to reconcile the idea of "friend" with the hurt they put you thru.

Forgiveness is divine tho, I feel the greatest compassion I ever showed was to my wife when she started to come clean about what really happened between her and the OM. But forgiveness is not the end of the story, you can decide to forgive someone but still have to pick up the peices of your world, and make sense of what happened.

The only thing that makes that possible is honesty. Truth will set you free. Free to love anew. Your partner will have a hard time with this part because noone wants to talk about thier faults, espically one as personal as infidelity, but they need to be honest with themself and you about what happened. It needs to make sense, the questions must be awnsered until you discover all the "why's". Get thru the "I dont know" and "It just happened" and there is sanity and acceptance on the other side.

It took me accepting that we were both imperfect and not maintianing our relationship properly. We made changes together, and it has brought confidence that is will not happen again.

If you feel the Holy Spirit within you I know you will be moved to forgiveness. If he is willing to help you change the relationship and be totally honest to who he has been he will become a better person, and so will you.

But be honest with yourself if he is not willing to change, and move on. Cheating is a symptem of problems in a relationship. Like people relationships are never perfect, but they can learn from the mistakes. It takes two tho pulling together in the same direction.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Am i stupid but i want him so much? i want the man i fell in love with. I can imagine him in me. Is that stupid? He just turns me on even now. I cant stand him being with someone else but the human part of me wants him so bad. what am i suppose to do?


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You need to give yourself time. I've been there. IMO there are people who cheat who do it because they think its fun...they get a thrill off of it, don't want to think of being with "just one person" for the rest of their lives, etc. There are also those who make stupid choices....because they can't deal with stress, have low self esteem, or are searching for something that has gone missing in their relationship and they can't communicate effectively with their spouse to set things back on track. I know my H has poor coping skills when it comes to stress and depression. We finally figured out his triggers, and he is in therapy and taking meds to help with his depression while he learns to change his patterns. It's not a quick or an easy process, but it can be done if the spouse wants to change. 
Take it one day at a time, and don't expect things to be solved overnight. As for the sex, wait till he gets tested, for your own security. How much of you wanting him so badly is you really wanting him, and how much of it is you wanting to try to erase the picture in your head of the two of them together? Or wanting to replace the memory he might have of the OW with one that you two make together? It's a completely normal reaction IMO, but until he gets the clear, its best to wait.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Thanks. I know you are right. We talked about it and he told me that he knows what I am thinking and he loves me enough to wait. In one way I am thankful that he thought of me enough not to touch me. In another way Im hurt, I feel as if I am not attractive enough for him. He says that I looked beautiful, is that enough to get by for now? I think I am more confused than ever. I know one day at a time...one minute at a time. 

thanks for alll the advice everyone.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Your beauty has nothing to do with his affair. It's something that is inside of him, NOT you, that caused it. Even if there were relationship issues, he did not talk to you about it to change the situation. How can you change what you have not been told about? Please, quit beating yourself up about it. Do what I did, go to the gym or something. Not for HIM...for yourself...trust me, its helped to get my aggressions out while this all came to light, and the added bonus is i'm down to an 8...smaller than I have been since we had our kids, and my H finds me incredibally sexy...so, even though I did it (gym) for ME...it's the gift that keeps on giving!!


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

in_need_of_help said:


> He says it was just the one time. But this woman has lived with us on many other occasions. She is a single mom of 3. I trusted him! I am his 2nd wife. His 1st marriage ended in divorce because she was the one who cheated. So i cant understand how he would put me thru the same thing he went thru so many years ago.


Whoa, a single woman lived with you and your husband?

Man, that would never fly in my book.

Single woman in our house or single man, too many bad situations of one spouse being out and the other being home alone with the single person, temptations, etc.

As a married man, I don't even let my wife's friends/sisters in our house if I'm home alone, if they come over I meet them outside. I try to keep myself out of the 1 on 1 situation when I am alone.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Everyone old me it was a bad idea. But I fel bad for her kids. I love her 2 little girls to death. That why we first brought them in. She lived with us on and off for about 3 yrs. I know bad idea. Believe me, somehing like that will NEVER happen again.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Today was alright. I spent the whole day with my H. We were busy but we did everything together. He even took me out to dinner. He hasnt done that in a long time. It felt good. In a way it felt like old times but I did get these thoughts or images of him and the OW together. I did cry from time to time but the tears didnt last long. Yes, I did throw in some jabs (mean comments). Sometimes they spilled out without me realizing it till it was too late. We go into a little bit of an arguement but i didnt last long and within 10 mins we were fine with each other. Its about 330 in the morning i need to go to bed but i dont want the good conversations that we are having to end. Im probably not making any sense. Im just writing out my thoughts and feeling.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You keep writing, girl...it does help to vent.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I just wanted you to know that everything you are feeling is very normal...hurt, sad, angry, wanting him all at the same time as confusing as it feels, you are not alone there.

It's also a difficult time for you because you are still trying to process all of this and at the same time trying to figure out how to go forward with your marriage. One thing I would suggest is talking openly with your husband about how you are feeling...your moods will likely go up and down...certain things he says or does will trigger bad thoughts/images but these will fade over time providing you keep an open dialogue and start to feel better about the two of you. It is better to vent how you are feeling now, and let him know you need to do this to work through this and at some point when you are ready you can let it go. You will never forget, but if you throw this back in his face 2 or 3 years down the road, you will never truely get past this as a couple.

I don't know if it's nature kicking in, but it's not unusual for one's sex drive to suddenly appear from nowhere...if/when you are ready (I think it's good that he's getting tested) go with it...it will bring you closer. I have read many posts on this over the months and although I understand feeling as though he doesn't desire/isn't attracted to you, it's rarely the case. It does create the opportunity to talk and figure out what pushed him to cross that line with her...sex was lacking and she pursued him at a time when he was weak...they developed a friendship and he felt he could talk to her, etc...anything along those lines are things you can both do to get your marriage back on track.

Also think about yourself...if sex was lacking, why? Have you built up resentment or are there things missing for you? Get it all out in the open so you both feel happy within your marriage.

Good luck & hang in there...you are definitely not alone.


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

MizSmith said:


> It totally helps to write...
> 
> My H took me to dinners every friday as promised so we could get back on track and rekindle things. We talked, hung out and things seemed ok. That lasted all of a couple months.
> 
> ...



I am so sorry that your H is doing that to you. I hope and pray that things will get beter for you.

Its going on 4 in he morning and I just now staring to wind down. Its been a long two days. Tuesday was long and very eventful. My H and I ran some errands and I had to file a police report. 2 of my rings are missing out of the my car...my wedding band and the most expenseve ring I have ever owned (my H gave it to me for my 30th bday). The OW was the last person in my car at the time my rings wen missing. I took them off and tossed them on the dashboard and they slid down onto the floor board. I drove her and her brats back to where they belong, thats why she was in my car. Anyway I filed the police report and then we drove up to the beach to be with his family. My H and I got along great that day...it was like we were dating again but even better. We stayed up talking till 4 Am when we finally laid down he held me for 2 hrs (the only time we slept). Then this evening a big fight broke out beween his mother and me. She is angry at me because of somethings I said on facebook...which i was venting and not thinking of his family seeing it. Long story short everyone left (there were 8 of us). His family has basically disowned him whether or not we stay together. I know everyone is hurt and angry but why did she have to start something when things were going so well?? He is blaming me because I couldnt keep quiet. Well I am sorry but I am not going to get yelled at like a child for a mistake I made. Im not the one who cheated. When we got home he yelled at me saying it was my fault he has noone now. I was able to calm him down and we talked about alot of issues. He fell asleep on the couch and we werent fighting. I dont know what to think of all this. Should I leave and make his family and my stepdaughter happy? Or do I stay and fight for my marriage which I believe strongly that we have a new chance? I am determined to stay but will he resent me later down the raod (and im not the one who started the fight)? I am so confussed.
:scratchhead:


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## in_need_of_help (Jun 27, 2009)

Yesterday was peaceful, my H slept all day. Today has been a rollercoaster. I am close to my breaking point. I dont know what to do. I have even thought of looking for someone new. I have thought hat his marriage isnt worth saving. I still love him but I can not go onn living like his. I knew I got my hopes up on Tuesday, it was too easy for him to be nice and loving. I dont know anymore if he wants this to work. He keeps saying "well im here arent i?" I keep telling him that thats not good enough. His body is here but emotionally and anything isnt here. I am more confused than ever.


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