# Mother in Law drama-Help!!!



## Ggirl83 (Apr 9, 2014)

Well, perhaps I am overstating, but I have a huge dilemma. I am a 30 year old physician, I have been with my fiance for almost two years. I am in the midst of planning our wedding, which is set to take place next spring...all should be bliss. Alas, no. My fiance's mother is a neurotic control freak. She always wants to be in charge of everything, always wants it done her way. Even though my family is paying for the wedding, she is clearly pissed that she isn't getting what she considers to be enough input. She is trying to turn the rehearsal dinner, which she is planning, into a bigger deal than the wedding. She has expressed dissatisfaction secretly behind my back about everything from our choice of venue to the timing of the wedding (she wanted us to do it at the same hotel she had her second wedding at, instead of the vineyard we chose. She also wanted us to plan the thing in 6 months, rather than a year and half because she wanted her demented, 93 year old mother to be there...no regard for the fact I have a very demanding work schedule and there are 120 other guests to consider). But the problem is, she is also a very phony person who likes to promote her "emily post etiquette." She didn't like that we wanted to ditch the gift registry in favor of asking guests to help fund our honeymoon because it isn't "traditional enough." I am only half jewish and non practicing, which I know is a sore spot for her. She purchased expensive temple memberships for both my fiance and I, even though she knows I am an atheist and neither of us want to attend regularly. It is all very manipulative attempt on her part to dictate how we live our lives. 

Just for an example, I am 5 foot 9 and weigh about 138 lbs. I run 5 miles almost every morning before work.We were sitting at lunch a couple months back and she said "so, do you think the guests will be able to lift you up in the chair for the hora?" I was shocked. I thought I must have misunderstood her, and even my fiance started to panic and tried to redirect. When I asked her what she meant, she said "Yeah, do you think they will be able to lift you?" I can only think this was some nasty underhanded shot at me, since she knows via my fiance that I am self conscious about my weight (I used to be 25lbs heavier). I know I should have called her out on it, but she caught me off guard and it was just stunned silence from me. I am sure that was her intent. She goes back and forth between patronizing and passive aggressive. The problem is, while my fiance does recognize her controlling behavior and many of her flaws (he calls her tactless), he still defends her. He and I have gotten into many fights over this stuff, and he tells me I should be focusing on all the nice things she has done for me, not the negative stuff. The truth is, other than treat me to a couple meals out, she really hasn't done that much that I am aware of. She is very superficial and wrapped up in appearances. She always wants to look like she has money, education, etc etc...more than she does. So in return, giving expensive gifts or giving my fiance extra money so he can treat me to nicer things is her way of keeping a tight leash on the situation. Money is how she keeps control. The thing is, I just started in private practice and the money is starting to come in. I want us to build a life together and cut the parental financial ties. However, I saw a text message from her last night indicating that she would be giving him the money to pay for the honeymoon! Crazy! The save the dates went out last week and everyone has been saying how pretty they look...I got no message from his mom, and when I asked him if she'd said anything to him, he told me she complained that the post office had stamped the card multiple times and damaged it. Not a single compliment, nothing! I'm sure she thinks my family is incapable of putting on a wedding anywhere near up to her standards....which is just stupid because we have a very generous budget, a good planner, and my mom has wonderful taste. We are choosing only classy, beautiful options. But I know simply by virtue of the fact she isn't planning this thing, and she can't take credit, she will hate it all. She will skulk in the wings and try to damage it other ways, like making underhanded swipes at me. She is even requesting that not only she and my finances biological father walk him down the aisle, she wants the step-parents to follow, and her mother and mother in law to also walk down. She wants HER whole family "honored" as she puts it. What about my family? Only my parents are walking me down the aisle. I'm not parading three generations of extended family down. This feels like more attempts on her part to overshadow me and my loved ones on the big day. She's also demanding to know now, 9 months in advance, what time the photo sessions will start so she can book her hair and makeup accordingly...I haven't even booked my own. She was texting me at almost midnight wanting an answer, and wanting to know what color dress my mother would be wearing. Pathological. She is hypersensitive, and is constantly policing everyone else etiquette. However, she herself is socially oblivious and tactless. The problem is, because she elevates and celebrates my fiance at every turn (only child), he is bound to defend her. 

He accuses of me of not trying to get to know her and bond with her. But the truth is, that is impossible. She doesn't want to let people get to know her. That would make her too vulnerable. She wants you to believe the phony persona she shows the world. Even my fiance doesn't seem to know much about her viewpoints, beliefs, etc. He even admitted to me that every friend who has ever met her feels like she asks them a million questions but never reveals anything about herself. This is just such a hard thing to navigate. I love my fiance, but this is a sticking point that we fight about a lot. It will only get worse when kids come along! Any thoughts or similar experiences.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You know that this isn't going to magically get better once you're married, right?

C


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Well, as long as you are COMPLETELY certain he has cut the apron strings, you should be ok. Otherwise, you should run for the hills. PBear is right -- none of this will get better after you are married. She is a jealous old lady, no one is good enough for her baby.

These two comments really bother me, which indicate to me he hasn't cut the apron strings at all:



Ggirl83 said:


> The problem is, because she elevates and celebrates my fiance at every turn (only child), he is bound to defend her.
> 
> He accuses of me of not trying to get to know her and bond with her.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Your best bet is this. Make sure that your ready to say "I do" and only to your husband to be. If you have doubts, then you better lay your cards on the table and this can be done with your fiance without causing a rift and make sure you have his undivided attention and tell him that she a pain in the ass and it's really getting to you. 

Let him know that he needs to have a talk with her in a mature way so there's no more hard feelings and if he can't muster the back bone to do it, then you pretty much have an idea of your life with him.

He can sit Mumsy down and explain that this is your day and should be your way and your say. He can also remind her that she once had her day and it's not her place to dictate how it will go, That's your choice.

Honey you better nip this in the bud PDQ or I hope your a thick skinned woman because your going to need it.

Open your mouth and let your fiance know that your at the end of your rope and say it in a way that he understands.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Everything 6301 just said. 100%.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Ggril83, that is a really horrendous MIL you are describing, there.

What I find interesting is that over the course of your detailed post, you mention exactly ZERO specifics on WHY you are so fond of your husband-to-be.

Based on this, I have to think you'd be better off stopping the impending nuptials dead in their tracks and finding a guy with sane parents.

But I'm open to new information.

So let's try this.

In order to better weigh the pros and cons of your situation, could you go into some detail on why your partner is such a neat-o torpedo kind of guy, that you are prepared to have kids with him when you know that his evil Mother will be meddling endlessly in your marriage?

Tell me all about the love of your life, and what makes him so special!


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## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

ok.. You need to talk with your man NOW.otherwise this will get worse and she WILL try to control what you do,where you live,how you spend money,how you shall raise kids.. You need to put your foot down.i was too late and now my marriage is over. Part of the blame goes to my husband's mother. You can read my thread. These women think no1 is good enough for their sons and that we should do whatever they want because they 'gave' us their sons. Please, ACT NOW. you need to lay down the boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RealityBites2 (Sep 12, 2014)

Here is how to deal with it: state the issue clearly, respectfully and strongly (can be done) to your fiance and ask him to decide who he is going to side with, his mom or you...or else (you have to have consequences you are willing to go through with).

Because, as it was said earlier, this will not change just because you will be married. Seriously. Deal with it now.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me go over these since they are a mixed bag. 

1. "She is trying to turn the rehearsal dinner, which she is planning, into a bigger deal than the wedding." She gets to plan the rehearsal dinner and if its nice, people in the wedding party remember a great weekend. We had nice rehearsal dinners for both my sons at fancy places with passed hoer doerves and people were happy. . 

2. "She also wanted us to plan the thing in 6 months, rather than a year and half because she wanted her demented, 93 year old mother to be there...no regard for the fact I have a very demanding work schedule and there are 120 other guests to consider)." What you said was incredibly mean and callous. She wanted her mother there, that's nice. You may not have to change your schedule but the way you put it sounds terrible. 

3. "She didn't like that we wanted to ditch the gift registry in favor of asking guests to help fund our honeymoon because it isn't "traditional enough. Looks like mom is still winning; asking for money is tacky. 

4. "Yeah, do you think they will be able to lift you?" Agreed, nasty and tacky on her part. Talking about your daughter-in-laws weight won't win any friends. 

5. "She goes back and forth between patronizing and passive aggressive. The problem is, while my fiance does recognize her controlling behavior and many of her flaws (he calls her tactless), he still defends her." You are a little dominant and controlling too. 

6. "She always wants to look like she has money, education, etc etc...more than she does. So in return, giving expensive gifts or giving my fiance extra money so he can treat me to nicer things is her way of keeping a tight leash..., I saw a text message from her last night indicating that she would be giving him the money to pay for the honeymoon! Crazy 

You had better understand what you are in for. You are probably not going to control things regardless of how the money is handled. He will continue to try to facilitate compromise rather than appoint you queen. 

7. "She is even requesting that not only she and my finances biological father walk him down the aisle, she wants the step-parents to follow, and her mother and mother in law to also walk down. She wants HER whole family "honored" as she puts it. What about my family? Only my parents are walking me down the aisle. I'm not parading three generations of extended family down.

So you are in control, you get to determine how this occurs regardless of who is potentially hurt or his feelings. And instead of realizing that your future husband is trying to deal with a delicate situation, you regard this as some type of personal affront. 

I hope you become able to compromise, see other's perspective, see the good in your mother-in-law- her concern and love for her son. A good marriage is based upon understanding and compromise. While I have no doubt that some male doctors have malleable wives who cater to their whims, and perhaps family which does also, I don't think women doctors get the same treatment. 

8. "The problem is, because she elevates and celebrates my fiance at every turn (only child), he is bound to defend her. " No, he loves her because she is his mother. There may be some competition but candidly, she may be concerned if he is doing the right thing marrying a dominant high-maintenance sometime controlling wife whose belief in self-analysis is that she has been too nice and accommodating. 

9. "She wants you to believe the phony persona she shows the world." True enough. she is not going to show the possessive and protective nature you have seen behind closed doors. 


If the marriage is right, chill out, learn to get along, but realize you are marrying a family too.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree with 6301.

I will tell you what I did when my MIL would passive aggressively try to get her way during our wedding plans. I would just look at her and smile, then I ignored her and did what I wanted.


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## Sunburn (Jul 9, 2012)

Elope

After that watch some re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond, pay close attention to Raymond's mom and how she treats his wife......... welcome to your new life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Have you posted part of your story before under another user name? It sounds very familiar. 

What you are seeing now pales in comparison to what your life will be like once you are married.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

1. Your fiance should handle your MIL, not you. Just cut off contact with her except when you are with your husband. And if he won't defend you, then it's time to reconsider your wedding plans. 

2. Your wedding is next Spring? That's almost a year away. Why so incredibly far out in the future? All you are doing is dragging out the pain as long as possible. I know you have already sent out invitations, but you would have a lot less stress with a wedding this fall. Or better yet, elope. 

3. Your MIL bought "temple memberships" for you both, and looks like she wants to pay for your honeymoon? Is that really so terrible? Even if you never go to temple, big deal. It's no loss to you. Maybe you can transfer it to someone else. And paying for your honeymoon would be a huge gain for you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

This is only the beginning OP. My MIL is like this too. Luckily, my hubby is not like your fiancé. 

The problem is NOT your MIL, it's your fiancé. HE needs to tell his mother, respectfully, to please step back. This is your wedding (and his) not hers and the two of you will decide how it is organised.

It's his job to manage his family, your job to manage yours.

That aside - what you said about his grandmother was truly disgusting.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

There's a forum specifically for people dealing with horrible MILs would you believe, it's so common for people to have serious issues in this area.

Anyway, it seems like she's alienated you to the point where nothing she can do now will ever be received well. It won't matter who is right or wrong, you can't stand her, that's the issue.

Your fiancé needs to know how bad this really is. He will expect this to all go away. He'll think married life will be bliss and he'll let his mommy walk in and out as she pleases and you'll love her like he does because she's 'family'. You on the other hand will hate her and hate every minute spent with her, and you'll never see her as 'family'. Family don't ask if guests will be able to lift you at the wedding.

Make your stand now, before the wedding. Let him know exactly what you expect in future dealings with her.

1) He will defend you against verbal nastiness and ask his mother to leave if she does it, no excuses.
2) He will not listen to or participate in any verbal bashing about you.
3) You will always come first for him from this point forward, not his mother. Be very clear.

These are the sort of things you need to discuss now. Add in there boundaries about when she's allowed to visit (e.g. only if invited, not overnight) etc.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

Welcome to my old world. I had a MIL pretty much the same as yours. My ex was an only son too whose mother believed that appearances and show were her raison d'être.


So whose wedding is this? 

Your MIL is acting likes she is marrying her own son and you are just a bystander.

Sorry, but your husband to be must be a simpering mumma's boy if he is not standing by your side in the decisions that YOU make for your OWN wedding. This day is for you and he. Everyone else's needs, wants and desires is secondary, including you future MIL. 

You have to put on your big girl pants and deal with this. Stop her PA control of you via your feelings for her son dead in its tracks. If you let her have her way then your life with him will be a disaster. She will control you and her grandchildren as she has an agent working for her, her own son. She controls him and he lets her. Start as you mean to go on.

I envisage an eventual divorce if you don't get control of her and her machinations right from the get go.

If you partner doesn't see it your way and won't assist you and stand by your side in this, then he has no idea of what it means to be a husband, he doesn't have YOUR best interest at heart and you need to rethink the relationship.

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I have lived where you are right now and I know she won't change.

Wish you the best.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

are you in India or something, because that does not sound like weddings I have been to. Here, the bride plans the wedding, period. The guy is just along for the ride.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

As a male, let me just add this:

I think it would be most effective if you approached you fiance very openly and honestly, but not in a demanding "you need to do this" fashion.

Sure, tell him she is driving you nuts, is trying to take over your wedding, is a controlling diva, all that. Just don't cross into the telling how exactly how he needs to handle it. He's probably already getting that from his mom, and there's nothing worse than being in the middle of a tug of war.

If she doesn't back off, continue to let him know she is still a problem. Let him know until he finds the solution.

Good luck, hope it is a beautiful wedding and marriage.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Do you know how in cooking you have a recipe?

Flower + Sugar + Butter = Cookie?

In marriage there is also a recipe

Nutty MIL + WEAK Husband = Unhappy Wife

So, you can't fix the nutty mother. But what you need to determine is if your man is weak or not. IF he is weak and cannot manage this situation for you, then read the equation above before having children.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Let me respond to Breeze. 

"Anyway, it seems like she's alienated you to the point where nothing she can do now will ever be received well. It won't matter who is right or wrong, you can't stand her, that's the issue." That seems to be the sad fact. 

"Your fiancé needs to know how bad this really is. He will expect this to all go away. He'll think married life will be bliss and he'll let his mommy walk in and out as she pleases and you'll love her like he does because she's 'family'." Nope. He understands his mother's good and bad points and has learned to deal with them. His fiancé has likewise made her anger quite clear. Perhaps like his father, he is an accomodator. Before the wedding, he has been trying to compromise on various things and keep both happy. It's difficult to agree with his fiancé when she calls his grandmother a demented old lady. Guess what, you don't get to choose your mother, or substitute a better or more easy-going one. 

"You on the other hand will hate her and hate every minute spent with her, and you'll never see her as 'family. Family don't ask if guests will be able to lift you at the wedding.' Everyone agrees that this was tacky. My wife's friend's daughter was married. The daughter-in-law's father is a dentist and she suggested that he could perform some cosmetic dental work so the MIL's teeth would look better for the wedding pictures. 

"Make your stand now, before the wedding. Let him know exactly what you expect in future dealings with her." The mother-in-law is not a 6 year old for whom you can set rules that she will obey. If this is a fight, the poor son can expect calls from his father, brother, uncles, etc. I heard you had a fight with mom, 

1) "He will defend you against verbal nastiness and ask his mother to leave if she does it, no excuses." We have one clear example of nastiness, the weight comment. The mother-in-law saying that she's like to have her elderly mother at the wedding, or develop a way for the procession to include others in the parental role, cannot be easily put there. 

2) "He will not listen to or participate in any verbal bashing about you." What is verbal bashing. Is this all to defined by the daughter in law, if I call your grandmother a demented old lady, that's fine, but if your mother suggests a registry so that people can select gifts we would want (people can obviously give money if they choose) its "verbal bashing." 

3) "You will always come first for him from this point forward, not his mother. Be very clear." He wants to avoid conflict and has been trying to do that. He is stuck between two queens each of whom has a strong dominant personality and believes her only flaw has been accommodating the other too much and not being sufficiently assertive. Note the mother-in-law's friends say why don't you say something to your son. 

"These are the sort of things you need to discuss now.' Agreed this should be discussed. "Add in there boundaries about when she's allowed to visit (e.g. only if invited, not overnight) etc." Now the daughter is unilaterally setting boundaries without discussion. 

This model of the daughter as queen giving orders to her husband and mother, and mandating their behavior is unrealistic. They can try to work on some problems and try to set some boundaries but people do not dramatically change.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, first thing is first.

Sit down with your SO and ask him, WHO is his priority in life.

Is it his mother or is it you? You should think about this from your end as well.

He needs to really pay attention to this and always remind himself of it.

Then you can BOTH start tackling the issues on the horizon. You 2 need to both know that you are a great/strong team and in it together.

Once you confirm this with him and you are on the same page, you can work together (not against each other) to resolve your MIL issue.

The key here is to never EVER let ANYONE (whoever that might be) between you too.

Trust me, today it might be his MIL......tomorrow it will be your friends.....brothers....random people.

It's YOUR job to make sure that your relationship walls are like a castle. Strong and not penetrable!!!

And also, please do not take above as "aha, now that I'm #1 I can make demands and ultimatums".......not at all. Remember, it's all about compromise and working together, not being each others enemies.

I often like to compare above to great empires, like Rome.....Egypt etc. You see, knowing history, I realize that ALL empires fall sooner or later. Enemy is usually not the reason for the fall, it's the people within, enemy is simply there waiting at the doorstep for the right time to move in and finish it.

It's happening to US as we speak......

Anyways, now I'm getting too deep.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

The boundaries she can deal with have to be clear now. It doesn't get better after marriage, it only gets worse. The nasty comment was a taste of what's to come imo. Letting him know what she expects from him in these situations is not just for her benefit, but for his too. Instead of sitting there thinking, 'ugh, I don't know what the hell to do' and potentially doing nothing, he already will know what she wants from him. This could avoid a great many arguments down the road. 

As for the boundaries, I laid them out the way I see it, doesn't mean she has to go charging in and telling him what's what. I would assume every person would simply use suggestions to help them consider their options from different angles. As for whether she should discuss these expectations at all, that's up for her to decide. I'm coming from a place of experiencing problems with a MIL, so some wouldn't see it my way, and that's fine. 

I've read many people, men mostly, tell a woman she should suck it up because the MIL is family. Fact is, she's not her family. In my experience, you can try all you like to accommodate some people, invite them into your home and heart and they turn on you like wild dogs the first opportunity they get because they never loved you, they don't care about you and never will. That's my experience. Others will have had different experiences, lucky for them.


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