# My father in-law hates me! what do we do



## jno

Okay, well here is the story. My wife and I have been together for five years. Married for two years. Her father has hated me from day one for little to know reason. When we started dating I was not allowed around him or the family. After a couple of years and several attempts to break us up, things got better. We still didn't like each other but we both made very valid attempts to get along. He even offered to pay for a wedding and wanted to be apart of it. Not more than six months later he was screaming at wife for no reason what so ever (he has been to anger management classes before for his temper) and I took a stand for her. It resulted in a very bad verbal fight between him and I. After our fight I felt like my wife submitted to him and didn't stand up for me even after he threatened physical violence. Her solution was that I not go around him, and her time with him would be limited. I was okay with this for a while. However now almost two years later I can't take it any more. My wife really only sees her family on hoildays or special days like birthdays, so I really tried to be okay with that. Although it does stink to be left alone for at least half of ever holiday. The bigger problem is they have a reason to get together and throw family parties every month in which I am not welcome. My father in law also does things like have her x-boyfriend come out on the boat days that she will be there. 

I really love my wife with all my heart. I would and have done everything I know to make this work, but I feel like there is no good ending in site. I don't want to divorce my wife over her family, but I don't want to live like this forever either. 

What do we do?


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## NWCooper

You should come first with your wife. If you are not welcome, she shouldn't go...never mind the whole inviting the x boyfriend. That is ridiculous! She needs to tell her dad, you get along with my husband or WE don't visit.


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## jno

I really feel the same way. I just hate it. I wish everything was good for my wife's sake. The bigger problem is he controls there whole family. They all live on the same street and he's at every single event. If I ask her not to attend these things. I'm asking her not see her whole family because of her dad. At the same time non of them ever come here to see us. However he is very controlling and may have something to do with that. 

My wife doesn't do well with confrontations, and her dad gets really loud and aggressive fast so I don't think she will ever be able to tell him that this problem bothers her because she's to scared. At the same time I see her desire to love him and make him happy. It's easy for me to think he's a peace of trash and walk away for good. How do I get her to do that? I feel like nothing is going to change as it hasn't in years. He gets his daughter when he wants without me, and everyone seems to be okay with it to some degree other than me!! AWW, feels good to get that off my chest.


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## NWCooper

I get your problem, I really do, I had the MIL from hell for years, but eventually we worked it out. I still don't care for her but we manage to be civil and actually friendly to each other when we do see each other

Your problem here is actually not your FIL it is your wife. She needs to understand that YOU come first. I get it that she doesn't want to confront him. My husband never wanted to upset his mother by confronting her when she said her ugly things to me. You didn't say how old y'all were but some of this being able to stand your ground does come with age and maturity.

Just talk to her when she isn't upset, and tell her that y'all need to present a united front. You come as a pair, no if ands or buts. This goes for you as we'll as for her, that she will always come first with you and you expect the same. As far as the family, invite them over (if you want them over). Setup some new standards. If your wife can't handle talking with her father, maybe she could write him a letter telling him how it will be in the future. She can tell him that although she loves him, she will not choose between y'all anymore and if he does love her he WILL accept you. The whole solution to this issue though is that your wife must put you first, it won't work any other way.


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## Mavash.

jno said:


> Her solution was that I not go around him, and her time with him would be limited.
> 
> My wife really only sees her family on holidays or special days like birthdays.
> 
> The bigger problem is they have a reason to get together and throw family parties every month in which I am not welcome.
> 
> My father in law also does things like have her x-boyfriend come out on the boat days that she will be there.


The agreement was you wouldn't go around him and her time would be limited stating she only sees him on holidays or special days.

Then you say it's every month for these big parties AND to throw salt in the wound they invite an ex boyfriend.

This would be a big fat NO in my world. If she goes you need to go too. If they have a problem with it then she leaves too. If she chooses them over you then so be it. MAKE HER CHOOSE. She can't have both because at the rate you are going they will destroy your marriage.


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## treyvion

jno said:


> Okay, well here is the story. My wife and I have been together for five years. Married for two years. Her father has hated me from day one for little to know reason. When we started dating I was not allowed around him or the family. After a couple of years and several attempts to break us up, things got better. We still didn't like each other but we both made very valid attempts to get along. He even offered to pay for a wedding and wanted to be apart of it. Not more than six months later he was screaming at wife for no reason what so ever (he has been to anger management classes before for his temper) and I took a stand for her. It resulted in a very bad verbal fight between him and I. After our fight I felt like my wife submitted to him and didn't stand up for me even after he threatened physical violence. Her solution was that I not go around him, and her time with him would be limited. I was okay with this for a while. However now almost two years later I can't take it any more. My wife really only sees her family on hoildays or special days like birthdays, so I really tried to be okay with that. Although it does stink to be left alone for at least half of ever holiday. The bigger problem is they have a reason to get together and throw family parties every month in which I am not welcome. My father in law also does things like have her x-boyfriend come out on the boat days that she will be there.
> 
> I really love my wife with all my heart. I would and have done everything I know to make this work, but I feel like there is no good ending in site. I don't want to divorce my wife over her family, but I don't want to live like this forever either.
> 
> What do we do?


If you where "right" and your wife sided with you in the situation, your wife could not have been "wrong". Would not have been "wrong". She chose to submit to him and leave you out there looking stupid.

I don't know what you can do. I will look to this thread for answers.

I guess you could pray. I'd also look to being even stronger and in more control of myself if I were you. If the thing goes on with the father again, you will be strong enough to let him self destruct and won't need your wifes support.


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## F-102

Does your W know that the XBF is going to be at these events? Or does he just happen to show up after your FIL invites him? Demand that she not go to ANY of these things if her XBF is there, and if he does "show up", demand that she leave.

Otherwise, you may be dealing with more than just a FIL from hell here.


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## tom67

F-102 said:


> Does your W know that the XBF is going to be at these events? Or does he just happen to show up after your FIL invites him? Demand that she not go to ANY of these things if her XBF is there, and if he does "show up", demand that she leave.
> 
> Otherwise, you may be dealing with more than just a FIL from hell here.


I agree with everyone else here your wife has to make a decision she is emasculating you by going to all these parties and stays there when an xbf is there? Really? This has to stop either you two go together or she doesn't go at all jmo.


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## treyvion

tom67 said:


> I agree with everyone else here your wife has to make a decision she is emasculating you by going to all these parties and stays there when an xbf is there? Really? This has to stop either you two go together or she doesn't go at all jmo.


Sounds great. What else can the man do? I was thinking of this in terms of the politics of the situation. Does he have any supporters from within that group that can help him have a fair chance or prevent things from snowballing?


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## F-102

treyvion said:


> Sounds great. What else can the man do? I was thinking of this in terms of the politics of the situation. Does he have any supporters from within that group that can help him have a fair chance or prevent things from snowballing?


Probably not. Sounds like a "Cross Daddy At Your Own Risk" type family.


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## treyvion

F-102 said:


> Probably not. Sounds like a "Cross Daddy At Your Own Risk" type family.


Well then it's man to man. If the wife is doing "family first" even if their wrong, he's going to have to get out of there.


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## jno

F-102 said:


> Does your W know that the XBF is going to be at these events? Or does he just happen to show up after your FIL invites him? Demand that she not go to ANY of these things if her XBF is there, and if he does "show up", demand that she leave.
> 
> Otherwise, you may be dealing with more than just a FIL from hell here.


She doesn't know for sure, but the X is friends with other family members also, so someone invites him. If she knows that he will be there then she won't go so I'm told. The truth of the matter is that I would never know! I haven't had any communication with any of her family in a year and half. I do trust my wife. The X isn't really a huge concern. Just another thorn in our relationship caused my the A$$ father in law.


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## jno

F-102 said:


> Probably not. Sounds like a "Cross Daddy At Your Own Risk" type family.


I have no support from any of her family members. If anything the other family members do there best to drag her out. They all live on the lake at the expense of my father in law. After we got married he bought a small house on the same street and tried to get us to live there. I nicely declined and noted that I my business was successful & I would prefer to buy things on my own! 

I think that my success in business and life might be intimidating to him. I am the only family member that doesn't need or want anything from him and won't take his crap. Needless to say he is a control freak with an agree issue. I'm a calm easy going person, but I have been a fighter my whole life, so he doesn't scare me at all. If I thought it would help anything I would put him in his place.


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## F-102

Sounds like a classic megalomaniac.


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## richie33

Your wife is disrespecting you by staying at these events where the FIL is intentionally inviting the ex boyfriend. If she had any common sense she would see this and be furious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallen Leaf

What does your wife say about you not getting along with her father?

Does she think you are the problem or her father?


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## Pinkdaisy91

OP, I am sorry for what your going through I have been with my Husband now for 4 years and I am going through sort of the same thing. His family has never accepted me, but I can honestly say he does take up for me most of the time. I think you need to realize one thing is just like we love our family your wife clearly loves hers but if you haven't already discussed openly full heartedly how you feel you need to now.. Your wife shouldn't have to give up her family but she should put you first your her husband, you come first her family should come last if nothing else.. Whats helped me is agreeing that I don't always have to be with my Husband when he visits i rarely see them except for holidays and birthdays. Another big thing that helps is coming to an agreement and sort of contract as i would call it with one another that no matter how sad or vulnerable we are on a certain day with our relationship that we would never vent to our families about one anothers problems with or without each other and that we wouldn't come home and discuss with each other what the family did today that we were so annoyed with! it really helps again I am very sorry for what your going through but you should totally set some goals, boundaries and come to some sort of agreement quickly with your wife.. and "jno" if you love her don't divorce her over this if there is still a chance for repair!
Best of luck


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## treyvion

Fallen Leaf said:


> What does your wife say about you not getting along with her father?
> 
> Does she think you are the problem or her father?


This is a great question. It will help to understand her perception so he can better and in a more informed fashion deal with the situation.

Why does the father "think" he doesn't like the husband? Is it due to competition, or the husband presents a strong and secure image around the daughter and the father can't have that?


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## Runs like Dog

The only way to deal with bullies is get 3 inches from their face and scream you will bust them up if they don't step off. And if he doesn't like that he can stay out of your house for the duration of his entire life - to be enforced by violence where necessary. 

Seriously I have less than zero tolerance for bully a-holes. Ever since I was a teenager and discovered I could pay someone to bust up my friends dad who was physically and sexually abusing him and his mom.


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