# Hypothetical:



## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

For LD spouses:

if your higher-drived partner stopped attempting to initiate sex, what do you think your reaction would be? 

How long would it be before you thought 'something was up' and started talking about it with your spouse? 
Or would you likely not notice it very much?
Or would you be relieved? 
How long before you started attempting to initiate?


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## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

I am an HD spouse

But I guess the answer to the question is, it all depends what else was going on, the HD spouse starts to sort themselves out, gets fit, and cleans their side of the street up, the LD spouse would have to be blind not to know something was going on.

But saying all that, LD spouses seem an insensitive (not to mention self centred) bunch and it does take a while for them to cotton on


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

hmmm, we were both quite HD until he started scouring the internet for other women 

he kept rejecting me, I stopped bothering to try - and here we are, separated for two months with NO chance of reconciliation


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

I'm HD. I did an experiment during the sexless (maybe 1x/month) portion of our marriage, and abstained from sex for 6 months before I just couldn't take it anymore.

She never noticed. Not once.

I only mentioned to her years later that we had a 6 month gap once... she doesn't recall to this day (though she tends to forget things that don't stand out to her in general).

She never attempted to initiate, wasn't interested in the slightest.


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## Bluemoon1 (Mar 29, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> I'm HD. I did an experiment during the sexless (maybe 1x/month) portion of our marriage, and abstained from sex for 6 months before I just couldn't take it anymore.
> 
> She never noticed. Not once.
> 
> ...


To me that is one of the problems of living with a LD partner, in that they just don't see the problem, and even if it's mentioned to them they can't seem to comprehend what they are doing, I am sure they are wired up differently, that's why talking about it is no good. Action is what is needed


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my opinion is the LD spouce isn't really LD and because of the dynamitcs of the relationship the one who needs sex more seems needy and the other uses it to their advantage. at first not intenialy but over the year it gets worse.

religious up bringing and sexuall assult aside.maybe even afew others.

and a women that this has worked for is NEVER going to admitt it.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Yeah in my case, while I didn't always handle it perfectly, it wasn't until I got my wife's attention. Let her know how much our sexless marriage was hurting me, how deeply.

That was when things started to change for the better. It's still been a long road to where we are now, but it's a ton better than before. The more we've communicated and educated ourselves (from here, books and our therapist), the better things have gotten.

So yes, I strongly agree that action is required to turn things around.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

As a previous LD spouse... I will answer your questions.... YES I did notice. My husband HD (until recently) has said he has in every relationship demanded sex too much and pushed the other partner away... after several discussions. And we are talking, 1-2 times a week we were still having sex, unless something stressful happening then we might skip a week (usually that became my fault because sex was farthest from my mind) and then it was an issue and a problem. If I slipped into a once a week habit, and started to turn him down... it wasn't long before some sort of fight/discussion ensued. I would try to be more open, give in more, etc. And then he wasn't happy with that, because I wasn't trying to get off, I was just pleasing him... he wasn't happy with that. Finally I said maybe you are the one with too high of a drive. So he backed off... I noticed, immediately. Instead of just backing off a little he backed off totally. At first I was relieved, but then it was weird, because I didn't want our entire relationship to go cold, I just didn't want to be treated like a sex object or the remarks which were sometimes just point blank rude. Finally we were in a middle ground, I was giving in more, happily because I realized the more I conciously put myself in the mood, the better it was going to be for both of us. I do remember a time though when he didn't initiate for a while and I initiated and he tried to turn me down, and I was like what is up, he said how does it feel, jokingly, and then I was like... oh.... wow..... okay..... but I think it still requires a balance in a relationship... one person cannot do all the demanding and one person cannot do all the turning down, it has to be give and take (as with all other aspects of the relationship).


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## SoWhat (Jan 7, 2012)

Thanks, livlaughlove.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

You are welcome, oh and it was about two weeks before I initiated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If I acted like I'd completely lost interest in sex, my wife would drive on for the next 50 years as if nothing was wrong.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Browncoat said:


> I'm HD. I did an experiment during the sexless (maybe 1x/month) portion of our marriage, and abstained from sex for 6 months before I just couldn't take it anymore.
> 
> She never noticed. Not once.
> 
> ...


i did the same thing.... 2 years of no initiating. that resulted in 2 years of no sex... she had/has no clue. I told her last summer.


We had a heart to heart, and now, we have sex 2 to 4 times a week... with her making a concerted effort to initiate. What did I say or do? I stop initiating the emotional connection she needed. I'd NEVER turn her down, but would never initiate. After weeks of it, she asked why I never hug her... or cuddled... in her words, "Why dont YOU hug me?". I responded "same reason YOU dont initiate intimacy" 

"Real giving is when we give to our spouses what's important to them, whether we understand it, like it, agree with it, or not. " - Michele Weiner-Davis


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## tinbanger (Feb 27, 2012)

Crazy timing on this post - I just started the 180 myself this past Sunday. I wonder how long before she initiates (if at all)?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

tinbanger said:


> Crazy timing on this post - I just started the 180 myself this past Sunday. I wonder how long before she initiates (if at all)?


Good luck man!


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I am the higher drive spouse (female.)

Two weeks ago I decided to stop initiating. It was a way of protecting myself because I realized putting myself"out there" so much and being rejected so often was taking a toll on my self-esteem. I didn't really have a plan further than that other than to gauge his reaction and take it from there.

He has responded. He does tend to respond generally if I pull back with a pretty quick turnaround, i.e. days. He did with this. 

After a week and getting some good vibes off him, I felt confident enough to initiate. He turned me down. I was pretty upset and stepped back again.

One night this week we were fooling around in bed initiated by him. I knew I would like to take it further and "showed"him. His response? "Oh baby I wish you'd told me before you wanted to have sex", delivered in a huffy tone of voice as he jumped on. It totally turned me off.

Apart from that he has not said anything about me not initiating. I don't think he has noticed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tinbanger (Feb 27, 2012)

Browncoat said:


> Good luck man!


Thanks! Though I am a bit apprehensive if she does initiate. I'm hoping I have the willpower to turn her down, so that she knows exactly how I feel every time she rejects me.

On a brighter note, I've actually been able to enjoy quite a few full games of baseball, plus spent some time out in the garage working on the cars. :smthumbup:


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

tinbanger said:


> Thanks! Though I am a bit apprehensive if she does initiate. I'm hoping I have the willpower to turn her down, so that she knows exactly how I feel every time she rejects me.
> 
> On a brighter note, I've actually been able to enjoy quite a few full games of baseball, plus spent some time out in the garage working on the cars. :smthumbup:


Lemme get this straight.... you stop initiating, cause she doesn't, now you want her to initiate, so you can turn her down....


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> Lemme get this straight.... you stop initiating, cause she doesn't, now you want her to initiate, so you can turn her down....


I guess he is trying my husbands tactic... it worked. It's a sucky feeling... when the tables are turned. Of course my husband didn't follow through with the turn down (only for a few minutes) but left me to myself long enough to stew and feel the rejection... totally changed my mind and perspective on turning him down from that point forward, unless I am sick or something. I seriously try not to.

Also it really opened a dialog afterwards different from the previous ones..


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

OK I miss-read and made assumptions... For some reason I thought he told her to initiate. I would not suggest communicating a need just to reject it when it happens...


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

tinbanger said:


> Thanks! Though I am a bit apprehensive if she does initiate. I'm hoping I have the willpower to turn her down, so that she knows exactly how I feel every time she rejects me.
> 
> On a brighter note, I've actually been able to enjoy quite a few full games of baseball, plus spent some time out in the garage working on the cars. :smthumbup:


Not sure if you really want to turn her down much. Maybe for a moment if you want to make a point, but you don't want to contribute to the lack of sex between the two of you.

Meanwhile though, definitely focus on yourself more. Good stuff.


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