# Single BS's - can you or do you want to find love again?



## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is). 

I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?

How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

It does not repel me nor am I laying in bed praying for it. 

I was dating a very nice lady up until recently but we wanted different things. She wants to be married, i understand her wants but i don't want the same thing at least not now. We parted in good terms. 

I won't avoid dating but I'm not rushing it either. My preference for now is to not be married. If the right woman and situation presents I would consider asking her to move in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Burned (Jul 13, 2013)

I'm excited about the possibility of finding a woman to love me for me, I'm in no rush though as I want to find my peace in being alone and getting to know me again.

They say "Love comes when you least expect it" I surely don't expect it so who knows...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know me. If I hadn't been able to fix things between my wife and I, I doubt I would have bothered dating, again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

My husband and I are R'ing but had we decided to separate and divorce, I can't imagine wanting to date anyone. In fact, the idea is repellant to me. Even casual dating, to say nothing of a serious relationship with someone else, sounds mentally exhausting. If we ever do divorce I suspect it will be a long time before I would consider even one date.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

I don't want to be vulnerable anymore. For the first time in my life, I have an emotional wall. I don't want to open my heart to someone and have them hack it the way my stbxh did. It really is a bad position to be in. My love language is physical touch. I crave closeness, but fear it. My stbx made me feel so undesirable. The thought of rejection from another man is unbearable right now.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

This is a new angle. Leave it to The Deceived to start a thread that makes us think.

Love again? I jumped back into marriage. I really like it. It feels different because I am more open to the realities of failure. The only thing that scares me is if it does go to h#ll, I will probably have to file for bankruptcy. LOL!

My heart doesn't feel like it would be shattered again. Guess it is an immunity to pain. I love my new wife, but it seems like there is less commitment emotionally in some ways. She is not on the pedestal, nor am I Mr. Nice Guy. It is real. We have talked about my trust, and both agree that my trust will never be 100% for her or anybody again.

Sex was actually a bigger jump for me. I only had sex with my ex, and only when I was married. It really lost its value as far as something special. Don't get me wrong, I like it as much as anyone, but it was significantly cheapened after my d-days. 

It is safe to say I am back in the saddle again. 

I totally understand why many people never get back into a committed relationship. The risks may seem to be bigger than the rewards.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

At this point in my life I am sure I would never get married again. We are in R, but if that hadn't happened (and no guarantees this will work), I'm off the market. There are plenty of ladies who have in the past, and would I'm sure in the future, show interest in me, but I have no interest in them. Other than sex, maybe, and in my single days when I wasn't interested in a real relationship I'd be up front about that and was never turned down... 

But to fall in love again, no. Like Salt, I don't want to open my heart up to anyone like that again. After 50+ years of life, finally opening up completely to THIS woman, and her cheating on me just like all the rest, what's the effing point? So will the others. Defeatest attitude? Maybe. But also it's been my life. 

Ha ha reminds me of "welcome to the Eminem show"


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

The-Deceived said:


> I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is).
> 
> I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?
> 
> How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


After my divorce... I was bitter as hell and was bound and determined that I would never be married again. It was just too painful... absolutely miserable... I NEVER wanted to be in that position again..

I was 30, tall, pale blue eyes, no kids... didn't drink, smoke or gamble, good paying job... I had no shortage of people wanting to introduce me to a friend of theirs. 

If they started getting clingy... I'd tell them, "Look, I am NOT interested in getting married.. If you want to get married, you need to date someone else." I never dated any one more than twice in a row...

The key is to keep moving... DO NOT fall into dating someone steady just because you are compatible and comfortable with her. You'll never meet Mrs right if you tied up with Mrs. OK.

I did meet Mrs. wonderful... It had to be over powering love or I would have never married her... 

I have not had to work at my marriage. We are so in love.. have so much respect for each other that... it just comes easy...

Don't give up.. Your Mrs. Wonderful is out there... someplace..


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

michzz said:


> I tha ought as the two of you did and finally realized I was wasting my life in fear.
> 
> Took a risk, and it has paid off.
> 
> ...


I don't know if my issue is as much fear as it is exhausted. Exhausted of people and exhausted of relationships and the work they require. 

I grew up surrounded by addicts and the f'ed up drama that goes along with that. My parents were both addicts and three of four grandparents were/are alcoholics. If I went to a family reunion on other side I would be able to point out more addicts than non-addicts. When I went to my aunt's house for my dad's memorial service a couple years back, she was drunk well before noon. My family isn't backwoods trash in terms of the public eye either, as a couple people once tried suggesting to me upon hearing about my family. My aunt is a well-respected physician in our area, at least for now. Takes all kinds.

Their father, my grandfather, is approaching 90yo and for years has been drinking the same "breakfast" his daughter/my aunt now partakes in on a regular basis. No pity party, it is what it is.

Additionally, I was married to my alcoholic first husband for a couple years and to my current husband/WS for 20+ years. He had an EA last year with a younger coworker.

Can't pick your family but my two husbands are on me. I knew my first husband had a drinking problem before we married. Big time familiarity with a dash of young and dumb......that was me.

I'm no walk in the park but by some act of some higher power, I'm not a drunk, druggie, etc. My "man/friend/relatives I'd voluntarily choose to spend time with picker" is beyond a tune-up or an overhaul. It just flat doesn't want to work anymore and I haven't the energy to expend on men, dating, relationships, marriage if I end up divorced again. 

I'm sure some baseline level of fear plays into it but after encountering what seems like more than my fair share of s*ithead addicts, etc, I can't see why I would bother. 

I'm glad you've found your joy and I wish you well, I just don't see myself in your position, ever. Besides that, I wouldn't wish my now trust issues on a new guy. Wouldn't be fair.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

I am twice divorced: once because of infidelity and the second time due to incompatibility. I do not despise marriage and I am open to he idea of marrying again one day in the far off future. I have lots of female friends who I date and hang out with, a couple of them could be described as FWBs. So getting my sexual needs met has not been an issue. I am actually enjoying the bachelor life and am in no hurry to get into a serious relationship. One day though....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

hambone said:


> You'll never meet Mrs right if you tied up with Mrs. OK.


Yes.

I had no interest in being with anyone after divorce. Neither the first nor the second. I turned women down, not out of hate or bitterness. Just no desire. It took about six months both times before I felt like it. 

After the second divorce I eventually wrote down a list, and some might consider some of the things on the list as over-the-top but I went two years without seeing anyone because nobody locally even remotely qualified. 

So Mrs. Perfect just went skinny dipping with me in the river.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

michzz said:


> I've found love with a very awesome lady. Was not looking for it, *she literally sat in my lap when I met her.*
> 
> She's the best. No, I haven't transferred all my cash to her, put her on the house, added her to life insurance.
> 
> But I see nothing but good things for us. Marriage? Not ready for that, but maybe some day.


Hope it wasn't because it was a lap dance


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is).
> 
> I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?
> 
> How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


Dear 'The Deceived'
Sorry if I sound light hearted, but I had a giggle about your comment 'is your heart dead/cold fish' cause that's exactly how I feel, well towards my H anyway...
ATM, I'm just plotting along, doing what has to be done everyday, yes I'm still with my H, although I wish we never went down the path of R, now I'm the coward and waiting till things fall apart again or till I meet someone else I guess, and then do the break up thing again...

I do believe there is someone out there for everyone, someone with the same moral values as yourself and same interests. So hang in there, she will probably pop up when and where least expected ;-)

I also think that yes your heart/your personality changes when any kind of traumatic life changing event happens and I think it's a good thing too.

Good luck to you...
From Still Hurting (I think I should change my name now, lol)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Love to find it. Like to find a unicorn, that stupid class ring i misplaced about 20 years ago and the hair that I lost too. 

Don't suspect the other 3 things would be capable of destroying me if I found them though... 

Well, I guess the unicorn could gore me in the belly with that horn if I wasn't carefull or didn't feed it enough rainbows or whatever.. but I digress...

lol.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Funny I feel like my heart is switched off - the down button!

Never felt like this before just can't be bothered with it all

One thing age and experience has suggested to me is that there is a lot of 'emotional politics' to being in love, chasing love, being active in 'pairing up' etc and I just cannot be doing with it. 

I watch and observe this all the time with close friends and after a chat about their marriage woes pluses and minuses I always feel lucky to not be in it anymore

I spose it will lift at some point but at the moment ........... who cares


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is).
> 
> I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?
> 
> How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


I feel much the same as you. I cant decide if I really ever want it again. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with the need to be touched and kissed, and held (my love language is physical touch), but thats about it. I have opposite desires at once...I wish I had someone to do things with and spend time with, (sometimes!) but at the same time, I just want to be left alone to do my own thing with my own time. Its weird. I have never been afraid to love before, this is new for me. And now that I have committed to never pursuing a man again, I have pretty much readied myself to be alone.


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is).
> 
> I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?
> 
> How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


I found something pretty good. I'm taking my time with it though. As a man, I don't have a biological clock and she quite a bit younger than me.

The good: I am eyes wide open, I'm in the drivers seat, she's a lot better looking than my ex, low to no drama, consitently good sex, my family and friends all like her

The bad: I worry that she may cheat on me some day, has similar FOO issues as my ex, not as intelligent as my ex, not sure how receptive she'll be to boundary setting as the relationship progresses.

On balance, I'm very happy with things right now. And thanks to site like this, should we progress, I have better toolkit. He'll, I didn't even know there WAS a toolkit before all this!


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

I'm just so tired and investing time in love (romance) feels like a waste of time.

There is only one person i'll care for and that'll be ME.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

It is hard I have to say. I have a beautiful girl friend for over a year now. She has BPD so she has issues, but seriously after going through the hell that Divorce and Adultery have been so do I.

It's a work in progress. I don't want to give up the dream that I would grow old with someone I loved. I also tend to put up with a lot less than I used to.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

When I remarried, I intentionally chose a friend and not a lover. My wife and I are best friends and I love her as such, but after losing the love of my life to her boy friends I was done with that.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck said:


> This is a new angle. Leave it to The Deceived to start a thread that makes us think.
> 
> Love again? I jumped back into marriage. I really like it. It feels different because I am more open to the realities of failure. The only thing that scares me is if it does go to h#ll, I will probably have to file for bankruptcy. LOL!
> 
> ...


You're forever changed and your heart now has a layer of steel around it. That's what the WS does for the BS - kills off a part of their heart - infidelity is like a cancer that eats away at the heart. That "all in" will never happen for me again. I will always be somewhat guarded, always somewhat closed off, never fully available and never fully vulnerable again.

It's really sad for the future partners of BS's - that they will likely never get the whole person - not like the WS did. Sad.


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## The-Deceived (Jan 8, 2013)

still.hurting said:


> Dear 'The Deceived'
> Sorry if I sound light hearted, but I had a giggle about your comment 'is your heart dead/cold fish' cause that's exactly how I feel, well towards my H anyway...
> ATM, I'm just plotting along, doing what has to be done everyday, yes I'm still with my H, although I wish we never went down the path of R, now I'm the coward and waiting till things fall apart again or till I meet someone else I guess, and then do the break up thing again...
> 
> ...


You are where I would be if I had continued with R - miserable and waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel bad for you -doesn't seem like a good way to live. I hope you find peace and happiness - whatever path you choose.


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## bff (Jul 24, 2012)

I'm excited to be dating and in love again, mostly because I feel so much better prepared for it now. I can see that selection issues played a big part in why my relationship wasn't good for the long-haul. I am now more aware of what I want and what I *need*. I'm also about 1000 times better at communicating what I want to my partner. It's amazing what a difference actually TALKING about your expectations, desired, problems does versus just stewing and letting animosity and then resentment build because your partner doesn't figure it out on her own...

I feel like the MMSLP, the help here and from friends and about 12 months of self reflection have given me the tools for a healthy, happy relationship. This is a first, for me, and I'm happier than I've ever been.


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## GoBlue (Feb 21, 2013)

Absolutely! But I am a hopeless romantic 

However, it has to be right, fun, honest, silly, and adventurous with chemistry or I'd rather not.

I've become very picky about who gets to be with me  And that's a good thing!


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

The-Deceived said:


> I jumped right into dating after my stbxw left/dday. Of course it was for external validation - not because I was lonely or needed a woman. Now, 8 months post dday, I've backed off dating and enjoy being alone. I honestly can't wrap my head around falling in love again, or even loving again (romantic love, that is).
> 
> I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?
> 
> How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?


I have not closed myself off to the idea of starting over with someone new. It's just a) not now, I'm, quite happy by myself, and b) because I'm neither lonely nor desperate, I will not settle for second best. One has to let go of the idea that it's up to someone else to fulfill them and make them happy. That's entirely your own job.


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

seagoat said:


> I have not closed myself off to the idea of starting over with someone new. It's just a) not now, I'm, quite happy by myself, and b) because I'm neither lonely nor desperate, I will not settle for second best. One has to let go of the idea that it's up to someone else to fulfill them and make them happy. That's entirely your own job.


This is an excellent place to be. I'm not quite there yet. I get intensely lonely sometimes and even hanging out with friends can't compare to having a partner at home to snuggle with. But when you have a partner who resents you and has given up on you and on life in general, then it is better to be a little lonely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

One thing I've learned after 66+ years and becoming what I never thought I'd be, is don't make marriage/relationship bigger than life itself. There are a lot of risk and no guarantees. I asked a friend who said, "I don't know if I can live without him", would you still be alive and probably better off if you'd never met him? She's now married about 20 years to her second husband who is not a philandering druggy.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_I don't know, at this point, if I want it, or even believe in it. My friends and family keep telling me true love is out there for me and I'm going to find an amazing woman. Will I? Do I want to?

How about you? Are you hoping to find true love some day? Do you crave it? Does it repel you? Is your heart a cold, dead fish, unable to feel that kind of love? Is it open and waiting for the right person to come along and fill it up?_

I too am questioning whether or not to ever get involved in an LTR/marriage again. Having been cheated on and ripped to shreds has soured me. Plus being alone for the past 15 months I realize how much effort romantic relationships take. 

Are the all the risks and work really worth the potential reward?


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

_I don't know if my issue is as much fear as it is exhausted. Exhausted of people and exhausted of relationships and the work they require._ 

This sums it up for me.


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## "joe" (Aug 19, 2013)

Wrathful said:


> I chose someone that clearly wasn't stable and did my best. ( Really I did ) And still couldn't avoid being humiliated.


as did i. 
but i loved being married and i'd love to be again, just with my eyes open this time. i'm 56 tho'. it's very scary.


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## THANKGOODNESSIMFABULOUS (Aug 19, 2013)

After being cheated on by every person I was ever in a relationship with I finally found someone who I hope is the one. 

Unfortunately for me, I am scared of being cheated on and miss treated so much that I am pushing this person away. I still believe that love can be a powerful and wonderful thing. But it is hard not to allow those fears get the best of me.


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## Fearless (Aug 13, 2013)

I never thought I would EVER say yes! But that is where I'm at. 

I went through an emotionally devastating divorce, I never thought I would ever survive and was so fearful of dating and marriage. Two years later, I met a really great guy who I thought treated me well. He did for a while. Tho, coming from my marriage, anyone would be amazing after him. Unfortunately, because of my fear to commit, I attracted a commitment phobe. Life was perfect when I didn't expect much, however slowly over time I started to want more and more. The more I wanted the more he pulled away. This is when he didn't treat me so good.

I finally reached the point that I'm so tired of carrying this emotional baggage I want to put it down. I'm tired of being afraid. Im tired of being a victim. The worse happen again, my bf left me, but I'm so much stronger. I'm shocked that I truly want to get back into a relationship and risk it all again.

I know I am NO where ready to date and if I did right now, I would probably attract the wrong type of guy and get all messed up again. So for now, I'm processing my grief, but I'm focusing on acceptance. I'm going to focus back on me and stay single for a while, wait for this NEED to be married surpasses. Love usually comes when you least expect it, so I'll focus on me and let life play out. 

But yes, right now I'm so tired of being closed off and the baggage is SO heavy, I cannot carry it anymore. It's time to let it go!


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