# No clue what to do.



## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

I'm sorry this is long, but it needs a bit of backstory to really make sense. 

I met my husband online 21 years ago in role play chatrooms. We were long distance with occasional meet ups off and on for about 10 of those years. I ultimately (briefly) married someone else and had two children. After I divorced, we reconnected and have been together for 9 years.
We have struggled sexually pretty much since we moved in together. My sex drive is on the lower side and while I was always into it and wild when we met up every few years and even when we started dating in person, daily life just squashes it and it's hard to get out of my head. We've had numerous fights and it's always all my fault (which it 98% is, I agree.) With the help of some counseling and getting my diet on track, it has improved dramatically over the past 6 months and I'm rather enjoying it. It's worth mentioning that in general, I actually have a lot more sexual experience than him. I was particularly wild pre-children. He knows of some, but not all. By the time I moved in with him, my libido had tanked and he's accused me frequently of being very vanilla. So, there haven't been a lot of frank discussions about our kinks, fantasies, etc.

About 6 years ago, my husband was playing a lot of tennis and started a friendship with a married, older woman. He also had lunch with her a few times and also lied to me about who he was playing with. I never felt threatened by her and actually liked her, so I found this very suspicious. I snooped through his phone and found highly inappropriate texts, lots of flirting, including him telling her things like I was jealous of her because of how witty and beautiful she is. When confronted with this and me letting him know I was not comfortable with their friendship, the focus was entirely on me and invading his privacy by looking through his phone. He turned the whole argument against me and told me he cannot trust me, etc. It was a mess and years of (individual) counseling and conversations and I thought it was all over with. I ultimately decided that if he wouldn't stop and it continued, he knew the consequences and had made that choice.

Until, when driving in the car together about two weeks ago and his phone was hooked up to the car and I saw a text from her come through. He didn't think I had seen it and was texting her back right next to me. I didn't say anything since we were on a 10 hour drive and didn't want to start a fight. Of course it made me suspicious, and when we got home, I again looked at his phone like an absolute idiot. They hadn't really been texting much other than texts initiated by her and they were all generic small talk. Whatever. 

But then I noticed he had discord on his phone. So I opened it.

There I found that he has been erotic roleplaying for years. We've never discussed this and I wasn't aware he role played at all anymore. His OOC (out of character) chats were just as wild as the sexual roleplaying. He is pretending to be a woman IRL. She's obsessed with giving blow jobs and is quite the ****.

I'm more confused than mad. I have a lot of questions and it's eating me alive because I know if I mention it, the conversation will only be centered around me invading his privacy again. (For the record, NEVER AGAIN. I don't want to know anything else ever again. Ignorance is bliss for me from now on.)

I actually don't really care much that he is doing this, especially since even his out of character persona isn't him and he rarely has any privacy to get an actual, physical, sexual satisfaction from it since we both work from home. I just really want to discuss this and learn more about his interests, maybe there is more that he wants from me?

Do I bring this up and risk him knowing I again snooped? Will it embarrass him if I bring it up? Should I just try and get this out of my head and pretend I didn't see it? How the hell do I do that?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You aren’t snooping that’s called being married. There shouldn’t be secrets.


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> You aren’t snooping that’s called being married. There shouldn’t be secrets.


I actually agree completely, but that is not his stance on the issue. I now wonder if his panic over me reading his texts years ago was more about me possibly finding this stuff, and not the texts. It seems he was on a different site doing the roleplaying before switching over to discord.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

And I thought my marriage was crap...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Either way, your husband is leading a double life and you have not fulfilled him sexually. You are at least seeing your “faults”, but honestly, if he’s role playing a woman wanting to give guys blowjobs, I think you may have a closet gay guy you’re married to. I can’t really say what you can do to fix this, but I don’t think you should have ANY guilt about looking in his phone. His defensiveness says all you need to know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Welcome to our world.

We have crazy people running around in our head, too, um no, six, and a *Red Dog.*
At least four are _Martians. _

Enjoy, or go bonkers! 

..............................................

You seem accepting of this.
His obvious cheating.

With, one of his persona's having a penis. 
Having sexual banter with the older lady.

The other having a VJ, and loving to give BJ's

Why is that?

Is it, your sexual side being in low gear, and this invites these other personalities into his mind?

Is he talking to men when discussing blow jobs?
If so, could he be bi-sexual?
A lot of unanswered questions.

Just curious, that's all.


_Lilith-_


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I admit to being old fashioned, but this is why it’s best to actually date in at least the same area code steadily for at least a year or two before making any legal commitments with somebody. 

Additionally, I will never understand why so many people think that looking at their legally wedded spouse’s phone is more sinful than adultery. 

Nor do I understand why looking into one’s spouse’s phone absolves that spouse of any wrong doing when they get caught cheating. Why does the fact that one spouse looked into a phone or computer, make infidelity inadmissible evidence that must be thrown out???

Who you yoke yourself to legally and have a home and family with us your life’s biggest investment and the investment that will have the biggest impact on your life whether that be positive or negative. So why don’t we have the right to look into what is really happening within our marriage????


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

I find it pretty unusual that you seem to be ok with having a spouse that directly lies to you and keeps secrets under the guise of 'privacy'.

If roles were reversed, and he found you were doing what he is doing, how would he react?

How do you rate your own self-confidence?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Your vanilla sex life… isn’t that a bit strange, given you’re the one who brings more experience to the table? Is it possible that you hold back because you’re keeping your past a secret?

in general, I think it’s really seeing to not divulge something about yourself to a potential LTR if you fear it would be an issue. Seems like there could be some of that on both sides. Was the counseling for both of you (couples/marriage) or individual? Whatever’s held back in counseling isn’t likely to come out elsewhere. It could show a willingness to deceive.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

What? Are you telling us your husband is having inappropriate conversations outside the marriage and you are worried about invading his privacy? Is this serious? My wife would've drug me out of my sleep by my ears, shoved that discord phone up my patootie and kicked me out of the house if i was pulling that crap.


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Either way, your husband is leading a double life and you have not fulfilled him sexually. You are at least seeing your “faults”, but honestly, if he’s role playing a woman wanting to give guys blowjobs, I think you may have a closet gay guy you’re married to. I can’t really say what you can do to fix this, but I don’t think you should have ANY guilt about looking in his phone. His defensiveness says all you need to know.


I am very curious about his sexuality after reading all of this. He's always been very adamant that he wasn't interested in anything butt related (giving or taking) but he does really enjoy receiving bj's..maybe he's curious what it's like to give one?


re16 said:


> I find it pretty unusual that you seem to be ok with having a spouse that directly lies to you and keeps secrets under the guise of 'privacy'.
> 
> If roles were reversed, and he found you were doing what he is doing, how would he react?
> 
> How do you rate your own self-confidence?


I'm very much not okay with the privacy aspect of it. As a former online roleplayer myself, there is a sense of detachment in the characters we play. I personally think if the roles were reversed NOW with our lackluster sex life the last few years, he'd be incredibly pissed off that I was seemingly expending sexual energy elsewhere.. but I can't tell you for sure. He's watched me get hit on before and found it very amusing and did not intervene despite my obvious distress.

My self-confidence sucks.


Casual Observer said:


> Your vanilla sex life… isn’t that a bit strange, given you’re the one who brings more experience to the table? Is it possible that you hold back because you’re keeping your past a secret?
> 
> in general, I think it’s really seeing to not divulge something about yourself to a potential LTR if you fear it would be an issue. Seems like there could be some of that on both sides. Was the counseling for both of you (couples/marriage) or individual? Whatever’s held back in counseling isn’t likely to come out elsewhere. It could show a willingness to deceive.


Honestly, many of the things in my past just never came up in natural conversation and he's honestly never seemed inclined to hear much about my past history. I would readily tell him anything he'd like to know. Counseling was on my own.



Mybabysgotit said:


> What? Are you telling us your husband is having inappropriate conversations outside the marriage and you are worried about invading his privacy? Is this serious? My wife would've drug me out of my sleep by my ears, shoved that discord phone up my patootie and kicked me out of the house if i was pulling that crap.


Lol, that was my first instinct, trust me. In a sense I feel like this may be more of a creative outlet than looking to start anything outside the marriage, and maybe work out some kinks (maybe some gay fantasies?) that he has never been comfortable sharing with me. When we both role played online, it was known and understood that we did sometimes participate in sexual role plays and it was mutually okay then. I do think he's definitely hiding it from me, which bothers me a lot. If his intentions are what I'd like to assume they are, I'd have been okay with it. Heck, I'd have done it with him. But the hiding it definitely screams it's something more.

Honestly, my dilemma is the fact that I want to talk about this, address it, but I don't want the focus of the conversation to be me looking through his phone. And he has and will turn it into that. I'll be the bad guy instantly. He is very skilled at that and twisting my words and everything.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Keeping secrets is not part of a marriage, period.

You seem like you want to reward him, by acting better or differently, now that you found this out. This is a mistake. He will feel free to deceive more in the future if he knows that he can twist your words and get away with it.

You need to stand up for yourself, and say it is fully not allowed to have these secrets, and that if he wants to keep things from you, he can do that but not while married to you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

cocosue said:


> he does really enjoy receiving bj's..maybe he's curious what it's like to give one?


That is certainly a stretch. 

I love them too, but I definitely don't wonder what it's like to have a penis in my mouth. I don't want to even _think_ about that, let alone role play it. Bleh.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

bobert said:


> That is certainly a stretch.
> 
> I love them too, but I definitely don't wonder what it's like to have a penis in my mouth. I don't want to even _think_ about that, let alone role play it. Bleh.


However, he's fantasizing about homosexual encounters. I've never done that and neither, likely, have you.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> However, he's fantasizing about homosexual encounters. I've never done that and neither, likely, have you.


Well, I have no desire to be female either. Maybe he wants to transition to female, who knows. Only way the OP has a shot at finding out the answer is by asking him.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

cocosue said:


> I am very curious about his sexuality after reading all of this. He's always been very adamant that he wasn't interested in anything butt related (giving or taking) but he does really enjoy receiving bj's..maybe he's curious what it's like to give one?


Or. He's created his ideal fantasy woman in his RP, and is just pulling her strings. Is it possible that he's RPing "her" doing things he fantasizes you doing to him?


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Update: confronted him today. While he acknowledged that it was/is inappropriate, the convo went as expected and I’m the untrustworthy jerk who violates his privacy. He’s mad at me. I’m obviously not allowed to be upset.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is it role playing, or do they meet physically for sex? that is a big difference (at least in my eyes).

there is a type of role play where the man becomes a sissy. He dresses like a girl, sucks her strap on, allows her strapon anal sex, and so on. She is a dominatrix, that forces him to do these things, and applies the maximum humiliation.

It is NOT all that unusual (for sissies like that) to have vanilla sex with their wives, but kinky degrading sex with their dominatrix.

Sometimes it is just her doing degrading sexual things to him. but sometimes she will bring a stud in for him to service as if he were a woman. or she might have two sissies she is controlling, and make them service each other as she watches and directs.

I guess it is all degrees of the same thing. If it is only him and her, it might be possible to let the relationship go on. You would need to actually meet with and talk to her about ground rules. things you would allow your husband to do with her, but things that are not allowed (like possibly gay sissy encounters). She might even be willing to let you participate in his humiliation, although some dominatrixes will not want you involved as that would be sharing control of her submissive.

So yes, he is getting intense sexual gratification from all this, but you do have a bunch of control on this. You can take over as his dom. You can refuse to let them continue to meet/role play. You can set up rules he has to follow. and so on.

one problem with all this: in any dom/sub relationship, the dom OWNS the sub. so She will be giving up some of the control of him if you two can work out an arrangement. She might now want that. In fact, she might have forbidden him from having sex with you, and he "has to obey" her. that would be a deal breaker, for sure! You need to be sexually gratified in all this.


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Thanks for your reply. This is all online role playing with created characters and what not. 



Talker67 said:


> is it role playing, or do they meet physically for sex? that is a big difference (at least in my eyes).
> 
> there is a type of role play where the man becomes a sissy. He dresses like a girl, sucks her strap on, allows her strapon anal sex, and so on. She is a dominatrix, that forces him to do these things, and applies the maximum humiliation.
> 
> ...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

cocosue said:


> Thanks for your reply. This is all online role playing with created characters and what not.


is She real, or just a fantasy role play dom to him?

if it is all role play, what is the problem?


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> is She real, or just a fantasy role play dom to him?
> 
> if it is all role play, what is the problem?


It’s multiple people in an online forum. I can’t even tell you if they’re males or females since they make up characters. Not really Dom stuff in there that I saw.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

"When we both role played online, it was known and understood that we did sometimes participate in sexual role plays and it was mutually okay then."


Could you express interest in returning to role playing yourself, maybe get him to confide in you slowly, vs having a confrontation with him?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Quad73 said:


> Could you express interest in returning to role playing yourself, maybe get him to confide in you slowly, vs having a confrontation with him?


i like this idea.
at least you will be informed about exactly what he is up to.

is this text only RP, or video chat RP? 
text only, you are right, who knows who the other people are!

the key, again, is getting him to re-engage sexually with you. try to figure out ways to do that.

various comic cons are opening up again this year...how about physically role playing there. or at some steampunk festival? Planning out such a thing, and working on your costumes, would be a bonding experience as a couple


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Sadly, the confrontation has already happened. I did drop some hints for about a month to see if he'd open up but he didn't. He is not remorseful at all that I found it. He's angry that I violated his privacy. He stated I never asked so he never told, but he also said even if I had asked he'd have lied about it anyway. Says he never wanted me to know about it. He seems kind of embarrassed about it all and is threatening to end the marriage over this.




Quad73 said:


> "When we both role played online, it was known and understood that we did sometimes participate in sexual role plays and it was mutually okay then."
> 
> 
> Could you express interest in returning to role playing yourself, maybe get him to confide in you slowly, vs having a confrontation with him?





Talker67 said:


> i like this idea.
> at least you will be informed about exactly what he is up to.
> 
> is this text only RP, or video chat RP?
> ...


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

your husband should not be embarrassed to discuss sex with you. We all are to some extent, but still you should work to be open with your talks. No matter how perverted his RPs are...be open to doing them with him....he probably just is ashamed to show you what actually turns him on. It may be a deal breaker, or no big deal...depends on what it is.

still, involving him and you together with his sexual pursuits seems to be the way to go. Shows you are trying, and actually interested instead of just be a busy body. Since you used to be into role play, it should be relatively easy to get back into it.

after seriously trying to do some of this stuff together, if it is still not working out, you can divorce him then. but why not give it a try?

Remember, you have a trump card....you can go from online role play to actual sex acts in an instant. he wants to role play sucking a penis, get a strap on and have him suck you....for instance. You can surprise him with the new toy!


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

At this point, he’s not interested in trying anything. Despite the fact that he’s held this information from me for 10 years, he’s telling me that my invasion of his privacy is a dealbreaker for him. He doesn’t care how I feel or trust anything I say and doesn’t care about the kids or anything. 



Talker67 said:


> your husband should not be embarrassed to discuss sex with you. We all are to some extent, but still you should work to be open with your talks. No matter how perverted his RPs are...be open to doing them with him....he probably just is ashamed to show you what actually turns him on. It may be a deal breaker, or no big deal...depends on what it is.
> 
> still, involving him and you together with his sexual pursuits seems to be the way to go. Shows you are trying, and actually interested instead of just be a busy body. Since you used to be into role play, it should be relatively easy to get back into it.
> 
> after seriously trying to do some of this stuff together, if it is still not working out, you can divorce him then. but why not give it a try?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

he MIGHT have a leg to stand on.
If you both used to role play together, then you got disinterested in it.....he would have assumed you knew he was still doing it, and assumed you wanted a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of arrangement. 

but never the less....try to talk to him about it all. 

any chance you could get him on here, so we could reason with him a little, and hear his side of the story?


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## cocosue (Oct 31, 2021)

Eh, when I say used to I’m talking nearly 20 years ago. He’s confessed that he knows I thought he had stopped before college even. Even if I asked, he says he would have lied and said no. 

He would be furious if he knew I was talking about this anywhere, but I have no where else to go. 




Talker67 said:


> he MIGHT have a leg to stand on.
> If you both used to role play together, then you got disinterested in it.....he would have assumed you knew he was still doing it, and assumed you wanted a "don't ask, don't tell" sort of arrangement.
> 
> but never the less....try to talk to him about it all.
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@cocosue in my opinion it sounds as if your husband is using online role playing as a means to facilitate emotional affairs, and then claiming it as his right to privacy as a way to maintain it and the euphoria it creates for him indefinitely. 

Otherwise if it really were a work of creative fiction, then there is no violation of privacy occurring. Because the notion of looking into an imaginary world of fiction that is an enjoyable creative work would be something that he would be very interested for you to get involved and give him some feedback. Perhaps therein lies an awkward solution as emotional affairs at their core are indeed a work of fiction for everyone. You have an idea of who you need someone to be and you imagine them fulfilling that role. Perhaps you could ask him to get involved in these "creative works of role play" alongside him in an accepting way (since you seem OK with it) and perhaps give him some pointers based on some of your real life experiences to help fuel this "creativity" and perhaps create a few sparks for the two of you in the process.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

cocosue said:


> Eh, when I say used to I’m talking nearly 20 years ago. He’s confessed that he knows I thought he had stopped before college even. Even if I asked, he says he would have lied and said no.
> 
> He would be furious if he knew I was talking about this anywhere, but I have no where else to go.


it really IS too bad that his entire role play life is now hidden away from you.

a really sexy thing to do in the bedroom is sexual role play. And it sounds like he would not want to do that with you (but possibly with others outside the marriage).

Imagine you are driving home from work, and your car breaks down. He is a police officer, stops to help you, and says _"Howdy Ma'am, is there anything i can do to help?" _
......and you know where to take this further....


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