# Why are you on GTDS so much?



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I know many of you are like me. I see you posting all day (and all night). Why? What are you looking for here? 

Many of you keep up with your threads often as you have so many things going on. Still in the thick of things with the drama a divorce can sometimes bring. 

But in your downtime you're still here. Repeating the advice you've learned here and offering (much appreciated by the way) support. 

I'm just curious why we are here so much. What are we looking for?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I think its like people who have been through a tragic circumstance together -plane crash - natural disaster - man made disaster. Some of these people form strong bonds and remain in touch with one another because of their shared experience. I think that is what keeps a lot of us around as we go through this process.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

i think there's also something very refreshing (or life-saving, even) about being able to say anything you need to say, in an anonymous context, during such a ****storm as divorce usually is. 

and to have hope that anyone - the names and support we come to know well, or even a new "stranger" - will respond, in some way, to our desperation...well, it's a life line some times. 

then there are the updates - both positive and negative - that help us track where we are, where we've been, and hopefully, start to believe in where we're going with all of this.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

My IC has advised that I cut back on my time here. Says that I need to have more positive influences in my life. Rather, more uplifting experiences. 

I guess I agree. I do have fun; hanging out with the kids, going out with friends, etc. However, within any and all if these things, I check in here regularly. Even find myself refreshing the page every few minutes when it's slow. No updates. 

I think that I come here looking for answers. My wife didn't cheat (that I know of). I didn't abuse her. I'm a great dad. I am a great provider. I have no vices or addictions. 

I have made friends here. They and and their families are on my mind and in my prayers. I will continue to be here for them in any small way I can. 

Surely I will learn some things to help me on my way to recovery. But I don't think I will ever find what I am truly looking for here.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

This is a place for support - sometimes you need to step away & then like I do you may jump on here one day & see someones story you relate to & make a comment. Maybe even make a new friend.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ceegee said:


> My IC has advised that I cut back on my time here. Says that I need to have more positive influences in my life. Rather, more uplifting experiences.
> 
> I guess I agree. I do have fun; hanging out with the kids, going out with friends, etc. However, within any and all if these things, I check in here regularly. Even find myself refreshing the page every few minutes when it's slow. No updates.
> 
> ...


Happiness tends to find you, when you're least expecting it and not searching. Learn to appreciate it, no matter how short lived it might be. Be thankful and appreciated of those moments. This is much easier said than done at times though, as the world is not built on such principles. To be happy, you must work 40+ hours a week and be able to flaunt your wealth among the sewer rats.

As for checking TAM when you're out with your kids or friends, I can relate to this and it's the main reason I rarely venture out of this one sub-forum. Hold yourself accountable for looking when you 'know' you shouldn't be. But, there's nothing wrong with checking between sets at the gym.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> This is a place for support - sometimes you need to step away & then like I do you may jump on here one day & see someones story you relate to & make a comment. Maybe even make a new friend.


This is true but I think the reason for my frequency has to do with simple companionship. 

This divorce crap is on my mind 24/7. I have a lot of things to talk through and my friends and family can only hear so much. 

The people that come here are here to talk about one thing and, it just so happens, it's the one thing I always want to talk about. 

DWDS is the friend I can talk to whenever I want and he never gets tired of hearing it.


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## Bullwinkle (Feb 4, 2013)

Same for me, Ceegee. Sometimes I'm disappointed or discouraged by what I read on TAM. But overall, I do like the anonymity of it and like you, have bonded with some folks that I have grown to care about 

Hang in there, amigo.


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## hank_rea (Mar 13, 2013)

Honestly, I'm just addicted to message boards. And also, I'm looking for some kind of validation to these ridiculous reconciliation fantasies that go through my head all day. I think I should cut back on my time here as well...feels like I'm just dwelling on my situation....told myself several times I was going to stop coming here, but I just can't stick to it. Like I said....addicted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

I love this site.

The support and advise has been invaluable to me.

It's helped me in the recovery process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> I love this site.
> 
> The support and advise has been invaluable to me.
> 
> ...


You're thread, in particular, has helped me immeasurably FAN. 

That one entry the other day is enough to keep me coming back.


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## lostLove77 (Jan 25, 2013)

With very few opportunities to see and speak to friends this site helps with feeling some connection during the hardes time of my life. 

I'm not happy with the way I've been handling things for myself and friends here are really trying to drive heir point home, hard so there are times I find it very hard to read things but it has been a comfort and important tool for couping / making changes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Ceegee-

If you're like me, this has been the most horrific experience of my life bar none. When I first stumbled onto TAM, for some reason, I clung to it like a lifeline. Reading posts/updates constantly, in the IC waiting room, waiting for a doctor's apt, waiting in the lawyer's office. I couldn't focus enough on anything else like a paper or a news website. The whole situation was all-encompassing.

Now, I've tapered off the continual checking, etc. But still know I'm not out of the woods emotionally. TAM helps me to crystallize the thoughts/emotions that whirl in my head so I can recognize them and maybe devise a plan of positive action. And the other members keep me "accountable" in some way.

Friends/family I don't think could handle all this talk. Here it's the topic d'jour and every day. I think balancing checking in here plus having support IRL is the key. Initially though I was not strong enough to discuss this much with anyone and found I could here.

I can only keep up with certain threads at this point. It helps me to see others recover or even flounder but still trying. Maybe it reminds me of AA meetings. I'm not sure.

However, if I can also be a source of support to someone else through this just by saying "I know. It sucks" it is payback for the times I needed TAM to know I wasn't alone.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

You know, my marriage was in trouble for 4 years prior to her telling me she wanted a divorce. I never told a soul. I was just not the type of person to talk to anyone about such things. It wasn't very macho. 

Now, thanks to TAM I not only have a place to come talk about these things but it teaches me how to organize my thoughts and identify exactly what is bothering me so I can talk about it with safe friends, family and my IC.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

I came here for some support and to see that I'm truly not alone when it comes to divorce. The only people who can understand what I'm going through are people who have been through divorce themselves...and sometimes even they don't, but its good to come here to get things off your chest because you know your family and friends just won't understand. I don't post a lot, but I have gotten some good advice just from reading everyones threads. I've also gotten to know some pretty great people too.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Agree that too much time here is not good. It's additive. But there is truth and human warmth here that have a value in their own right.

Ceegee, I read your thread short and not sweet.
Maybe you could post a short synopsis of how things have gone. What was your ex so unhappy about. Has her jet touched down in Nirvana?

ReGroup's thread is so hilarious (sorry RG but laughter is the best medicine).


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> I know many of you are like me. I see you posting all day (and all night). Why? What are you looking for here?
> 
> Many of you keep up with your threads often as you have so many things going on. Still in the thick of things with the drama a divorce can sometimes bring.
> 
> ...


We just like you.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> We just like you.


It's funny reading this now. I used TAM a lot to get through this ordeal. It worked. I still come here a lot but not nearly as much as I used to. Life is moving on and is fun again. 

I've made some good friends here and try to support them when I have something to offer as I appreciated all the support and advice I was given. 

We now have a date for mediation which should be our last meeting. This is unusual for a collaborative divorce but necessary. If all goes according to plan, though, I should be divorced in 7 weeks.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> It's funny reading this now. I used TAM a lot to get through this ordeal. It worked. I still come here a lot but not nearly as much as I used to. Life is moving on and is fun again.
> 
> I've made some good friends here and try to support them when I have something to offer as I appreciated all the support and advice I was given.
> 
> We now have a date for mediation which should be our last meeting. This is unusual for a collaborative divorce but necessary. If all goes according to plan, though, I should be divorced in 7 weeks.


Congrats brother.

Sounds like you're ready for the next phase of your life.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Congrats brother.
> 
> Sounds like you're ready for the next phase of your life.


A little too ready. Taking a little more sh!t from a woman than I should. 

At least this time around I'm aware of it and of why. Nipping in the bud.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> A little too ready. Taking a little more sh!t from a woman than I should.
> 
> At least this time around I'm aware of it and of why. Nipping in the bud.


That's the key thing.

Stay @50k

Act accordingly.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Agree that too much time here is not good. It's additive. But there is truth and human warmth here that have a value in their own right.
> 
> Ceegee, I read your thread short and not sweet.
> Maybe you could post a short synopsis of how things have gone. What was your ex so unhappy about. Has her jet touched down in Nirvana?
> ...


I agree with you about RG's thread. Best ever. Main reason I'm still around TAM as much as I am. Mrs Ceegee and Mrs RG would hate each other. They're too much alike. Although, Mrs Ceegee is not as ugly to me and getting better.

I had a thread that detailed a lot of what was going on. I decided to delete it when a friend told me about his marital problems and I suggested TAM to him. He is here quite a bit and getting a lot out of it. I don't think he has posted anything yet. I was uncomfortable having this information here for him (or anyone else I know) to read.

As far as whether or not Mrs Ceegee has found Nirvana I would not know. Frankly I no longer care. I neither wish her well or ill. I simply try not to think about her at all. That being said, if I had to guess, I would say no. She is an entitled princess with absolutely no communication skills. She is a shopaholic. She, at minimum, has borderline tendencies. Nothing is ever her fault and she blames the world (or just me) for everything that is wrong in her life. I am sure she will find pockets of happiness but nothing long term - at least not until she admits to herself the problems she has and gets help with them.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I came to TAM completely lost in my marriage, as I had just found out about her PA that she never told me about. The threads here gave me coaching, a pattern, something like training for this kind of warfare. I am a lot stronger now IRL in these areas whereas before, although I had boundaries, I didn't know, for example, "cheaterscript" and what might happen next. Learning about R, DDay, other peoples' experiences, and so on were very valuable to me. 

The thoughtful, mature folks here have no real agenda other than trying to help you out. And I love to give back to that, because I am really greatful for the comments, even if not in my threads, that I read here. 

Whoever thought this place up probably never thought it would get to be this huge for people.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> I agree with you about RG's thread. Best ever. Main reason I'm still around TAM as much as I am. Mrs Ceegee and Mrs RG would hate each other. They're too much alike. Although, Mrs Ceegee is not as ugly to me and getting better.
> 
> I had a thread that detailed a lot of what was going on. I decided to delete it when a friend told me about his marital problems and I suggested TAM to him. He is here quite a bit and getting a lot out of it. I don't think he has posted anything yet. I was uncomfortable having this information here for him (or anyone else I know) to read.
> 
> As far as whether or not Mrs Ceegee has found Nirvana I would not know. Frankly I no longer care. I neither wish her well or ill. I simply try not to think about her at all. That being said, if I had to guess, I would say no. She is an entitled princess with absolutely no communication skills. She is a shopaholic. She, at minimum, has borderline tendencies. Nothing is ever her fault and she blames the world (or just me) for everything that is wrong in her life. I am sure she will find pockets of happiness but nothing long term - at least not until she admits to herself the problems she has and gets help with them.


So she had an affair. Showed no remorse. And now she is not a part of your life. It's just about the child(ren) now.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> So she had an affair. Showed no remorse. And now she is not a part of your life. It's just about the child(ren) now.


All I discovered was the beginnings of an emotional affair. 

I looked everywhere for signs of something else. 

I believe that her poor communication skills combined with my nice guy/doormat behavior did us in. 

But yes, it's just about the children now. Even that, though, is minimal. She is incapable of coparenting. This is a difficult balancing act but I'm getting the hang of it.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I wish I had found this site earlier. I had a rough year trying to figure out why my marriage was suffering and my wife wasn't talking. I just didn't know what to do. When enough people echo the same message you start to see the truth that you ignored. 

This site exposed to some great literature that helped me learn more about myself as well.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

somethingnewmaybe said:


> I wish I had found this site earlier. I had a rough year trying to figure out why my marriage was suffering and my wife wasn't talking. I just didn't know what to do. When enough people echo the same message you start to see the truth that you ignored.
> 
> This site exposed to some great literature that *helped me learn more about myself as well.*


Most important.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

I wish I'd found it years ago. Would have helped get me out of being a Nice Guy. I did some of that on my own with my mother, but with SOs I have definitely try to nice them into loving me.

May not have saved my current marriage (I think it would not have), but I could have started seeing some of my sh!t sooner and working on it.

It helps to chime in with experiences from my life to help others, but mostly reading threads of others who are experiencing similar stuff has been helpful. What to expect for emotions, what the SO is doing and help understanding why; or at least how to behave myself in the face of some of the antics.

TAM has been helpful, in addition to journaling, IC, friends, self reflection. I'm on here a lot now, but I expect that will tail off as I come to terms with changes in me and the end of my 2nd marriage.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

angstire said:


> I wish I'd found it years ago. Would have helped get me out of being a Nice Guy. I did some of that on my own with my mother, but with SOs I have definitely try to nice them into loving me.
> 
> May not have saved my current marriage (I think it would not have), but I could have started seeing some of my sh!t sooner and working on it.
> 
> ...


Did you first marriage play out in similar ways?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Did you first marriage play out in similar ways?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In some ways, codependency, for sure. Being a Nice Guy and trying to keep the peace, for sure.

I married her for the wrong reason to begin with. I was getting out of the military and we'd dated for 3 years. Instead of manning up and saying, nice knowing you, I'm going to college, have a good life. I thought, well next is get married and you've been dating this woman for 3 years, so I may as well marry her (ouch!).

The codependency got to be too much for me when I went to grad school. X1 fought and kicked to keep me away from friends, work travel, promotions. Anything I did to better myself or have a full life that didn't include her, she fought and fought hard against. 

She became jealous of my love for our two daughters and between that and her lack of support for grad school, I felt trapped and actually thought that since she was 10 years older than me and a smoker, she would die when I was 50 or 60 and then I'd be happy. I knew there was a problem then.

We went to MC for 8 months, went to Disneyland with the Ds, looked at new houses and I realized that it didn't matter. It was sad and I felt a failure, but I triggered the D. I should probably sound off more on TAM on successful managing of kids after divorce, because my Ds are teens now and things have settled down between X1 and myself.

I was by myself for 2 years between marriages, dated a lot and really thought I had my sh!t together. Unfortunately the NMMNG rings too true for me. I have a strong personality, angry mother and I grew up with trying to please her, not be a pain, etc. While my friends stood up to their folks in high school, I tried not to rock the boat. I have firm boundaries with my mom now, but we don't talk much because she expects codependency from me and I don't give it to her anymore.

It's too bad that some of the books I've read now aren't required reading in HS for boys. If I'd figured out how reacting emotionally and angrily turns women off and doesn't accomplish what I was trying to anyway, I would be happier now and have a less checkered history. I think that's true for many men raised by women in our society. I love my mom, but she did a number on how I deal with women. 

With marriage 2, I didn't want to diagnose and I'm working on me, but I'm really starting to think some of 3Strikes initial comments on my thread about BPD are possible for stbxw. She looks less attractive to me all the time and my wanting to avoid another D (for fear of failing again) and my codependent nature are resisting unwinding my attachment to her. Even if I came to TAM 4 years ago, I don't think our marriage was savable. She hid who she was from me for so long. She shifted from thing to thing to try to make herself happy. Career changes, remodel house, eventually the problem was me and she changed that as soon as she could. 

It's funny, but I was able to keep close male friendships, do my own stuff, set boundaries, etc. during both marriages. stbxw did push me on doing less with friends and more work on the house. I'm sure working on the house constantly is another symptom of wanting to change the environment, because she wasn't happy with herself. So I didn't completely turn into a doormat for my stbxw. But I definitely got to be resentful on some things like sex, her treatment of my kids. I played the covert contracts. I put my head in the sand about some things like the relationship between my wife and my daughters. Some of it was just tough to call out as crossing a boundary, because teens are difficult and blended families are difficult. But, there were times when my wife's behavior towards my kids crossed my boundaries and I only said something about 25% of the time, so I could keep the peace with her and she would still love me. 

It's interesting to reread my journal from when I met my stbxw and I voiced concerns right away to myself that things were moving too fast, I was getting too wrapped up in her. I had a plan to work on getting my condo ready to sell for a year while she renewed her lease on her rental house, but then we bought a house together a few months later. I had some perspective from these journal entries, but as I got into the relationship and tried to make her happy, I lost sight of what I wanted/needed and what was ok for me. 

This getting lost in the relationship worries me for future relationships. I need to keep that perspective I had after divorce 1 and have periodic check-ins with myself on how things are going; observe, observe, observe.

Long post, but you asked.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

angstire said:


> In some ways, codependency, for sure. Being a Nice Guy and trying to keep the peace, for sure.
> 
> I married her for the wrong reason to begin with. I was getting out of the military and we'd dated for 3 years. Instead of manning up and saying, nice knowing you, I'm going to college, have a good life. I thought, well next is get married and you've been dating this woman for 3 years, so I may as well marry her (ouch!).
> 
> ...


I think you are making great progress here.

Your post reflects it.

You and I share similar childhoods. 

Thanks for sharing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That was a good account. Sad that we don't get to be young again with the knowledge we have... but then we'd be dangerous to ourselves and others

My father hasn't got long in this world and his death, whether it comes this month or next year is inevitable. This has triggered a lot of memories for me. I came on to TAM a voyeur and ended up figuring out the past.

For sure I could not function properly as a husband because I had way too much damage from emotional abuse. The terrible thing is that you figure love will conquer, and for a while it does. But nothing lasts if you don't have yourself figured out.

It's such a relief my two daughters are turning out so well. They're also teens, 18 and 15.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Nice post Angstire.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> It's such a relief my two daughters are turning out so well. They're also teens, 18 and 15.


I'm glad for both of us, but I have a little tickle in the back of my mind. If I thought I had everything together for my life, what am I missing now that will be obvious with my daughters in 10 years? Paranoid much?


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Nice post Angstire.


Thanks!


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> My father hasn't got long in this world and his death, whether it comes this month or next year is inevitable. This has triggered a lot of memories for me. I came on to TAM a voyeur and ended up figuring out the past.


It's interesting, my dad was gone when I was 5. He's in bad health and will probably die in next 5 years. We talk about every 3-4 years when I initiate and it's a 5 min convo about the Vikings and the Broncos.

I don't care what happens to him. He's been out of my life for so long, I used to be really angry at him, but over time I've seen he just couldn't be a parent, friend, anything. And so I don't care. When he dies, that will be too bad. My sisters want me to care more, but honestly, I'll go to his funeral to see that side of the family. Not for him.

Also interesting about how many recurring themes there are about vulnerability, communication, setting boundaries, etc. between IC, all the books recommended by TAM folks, the spirit of the convos on TAM, my anger management group. All of it has a slightly different angle, but the main themes are consistent and reinforcing. I'm actually really pleased that there aren't divergent, inconsistent messages between the different sources. :smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

angstire said:


> It's interesting, my dad was gone when I was 5. He's in bad health and will probably die in next 5 years. We talk about every 3-4 years when I initiate and it's a 5 min convo about the Vikings and the Broncos.
> 
> I don't care what happens to him. He's been out of my life for so long, I used to be really angry at him, but over time I've seen he just couldn't be a parent, friend, anything. And so I don't care. When he dies, that will be too bad. My sisters want me to care more, but honestly, I'll go to his funeral to see that side of the family. Not for him.
> 
> Also interesting about how many recurring themes there are about vulnerability, communication, setting boundaries, etc. between IC, all the books recommended by TAM folks, the spirit of the convos on TAM, my anger management group. All of it has a slightly different angle, but the main themes are consistent and reinforcing. I'm actually really pleased that there aren't divergent, inconsistent messages between the different sources. :smthumbup:


There's only really one truth.

All the right roads lead there.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Bloody good question Gee , wonder the same thing about myself.

Should l be gone , it's been 9mths ?

Personally was heading outa here a mth or two back . But since then things took a turn and l became involved again.
But l realized too , 1 , l still need you guys and 2 , l've really come to like a lot of people here and do miss you fkr's if l haven't been in for awhile.
I have advanced a little at least , l like the guys c/house, the R section , the open section.
Spose when we're done it is healthy for us to move on but l will miss it here . lf it wasn't for this place l doubt l'd have gotten through this .
So , while l'm here , here's a big mushy thank you to everyone seems the subject came up :lol:


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

I started reading on TAM about a year before the STBXW announced she wanted a divorce. I didn't post anything anywhere until after she filed and I was out of the house. Big mistake.

Since then, TAM has helped me get over the shock and trauma of it all. Helped me realize my POS tendencies and understand hers. It has guided me through divorce proceedings. Many here have given me solid advice in dealing with STBXW and offered tips with effective coparenting techniques when dealing with a high conflict spouse.

As I am passing the 1 year mark since her filing I am in a much better place in my life. I'm actually excited about my future. I never thought I would be ready to date again - at least not this soon. Certainly never I thought I'd be dating before the divorce was final. Then again, I never thought it would take this long.

Though I'm not yet divorced, I'm thinking about starting a thread in Life After Divorce. Not a whole lot going on yet, at least by some people's standards, but there is action. Plus, I already know what happens when you wait to long to get advice.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Ceegee said:


> I was uncomfortable having this information here for him (or anyone else I know) to read.


That's a lot of the reason why I'm here. Not only do I not want to burden friends and family with my issues, I don't want them knowing too many of the details. There are few divorces in my family and none among my friends (although I know a lot of women who want to be divorced but don't). 

I need to be able to talk about it, share my concerns, goals, struggles, and all the ugly details that, once you know, you can't "unknow." Know what I mean?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm trying to help people with my experiences and what I have learned through dealing with a serial cheating, passive aggressive, narcissistic sexually abused ex husband. 

Giving advice and venting here is therapy for me. It really helps organize my thoughts and feelings and reading advice and words of insight from others also helps me tremendously to look at other points of view. I still get "AHA!" moments and I have been on the site for about a year and a half.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Ceegee said:


> Though I'm not yet divorced, I'm thinking about starting a thread in Life After Divorce. Not a whole lot going on yet, at least by some people's standards, but there is action..


Good. Hope is a good thing. Take care and keep moving forward.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ceegee said:


> All I discovered was the beginnings of an emotional affair.
> 
> I looked everywhere for signs of something else.
> 
> ...


From your description, she's incapable of quite a bit.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> From your description, she's incapable of quite a bit.


Understatement of the year.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Couple of observations today. 

First, I've long admired Zillard's "with-it"ness. That guy is the most self analyzing mf'er I've ever seen. It seems like he's got everything figured out. 

Then, this morning, he posts a huge brain knot. I mean, the topic was worthy of discussion, but it seemed like today he didn't know which end was up. It seems that all the awareness in the world won't shield you from the risks of dealing with someone in a romantic relationship. The good people of TAM were right there willing to stand him up again. 

Second, the woman I've been talking to. Well, what else can I say. I really like her. The problem is, when I go long periods without talking to her I begin to resent her. I start telling myself that I'm not going to call/text her again until she does so first. So I didn't call her last night or this morning. Waited all the way until lunch before I couldn't take it anymore and texted her. She greeted me in the most pleasant way that made me feel horrible for resenting her. It's an insecurity that carries over from how my STBX treated me. It's wrong and I shouldn't do it anymore. Reading Z's post made me realize this. You have to take the risks if you want the rewards. I finally did so and got them.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Ceegee said:


> Couple of observations today.
> 
> First, I've long admired Zillard's "with-it"ness. That guy is the most self analyzing mf'er I've ever seen. It seems like he's got everything figured out.
> 
> ...


Is it dating gitters or baggage? Either way, be careful not to blow it.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ebp123 said:


> Is it dating gitters or baggage? Either way, be careful not to blow it.


Both.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Angstire - there is a line in your post where you say that your stbxw had you working on the house was a symptom of her wanting to change the environment because she wasn't happy with herself. That comment sort of hit home for me because my own stbxh was never happy with anything. Always changing cars - never happy where we were living - he'd be ok for about 5 years and then he'd get antsy. This time around we owned our house & with the market crash there was no way we were going anywhere for a while. Nothing seemed to make him happy. I should have seen after all those years where he constantly needed something new to keep him happy that eventually he'd get board with being married to me.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Pretty cool about your plans Gee and excitement to man , mine too , who would believe???
Talking to my D last night and she actually said well , we will have to do this and l can't wait till we get that. She was talking about "our" new area and the house "we" wanna buy - who would believe ! 
So damn proud of that girl !


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

I've tapered off a bit, but still come here for an attitude adjustment when I regress. In the beginning it was for much needed advice, what an education it's been.

When I get down, the examples of so many who have gotten through and made it to the other side helps give me the strength to push forward.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> That comment sort of hit home for me because my own stbxh was never happy with anything. Always changing cars - never happy where we were living - he'd be ok for about 5 years and then he'd get antsy. This time around we owned our house & with the market crash there was no way we were going anywhere for a while. Nothing seemed to make him happy. I should have seen after all those years where he constantly needed something new to keep him happy that eventually he'd get board with being married to me.


I've read in a couple spots (books and online), that people who are constantly looking for changes in their environment are unhappy or missing something inside. They try to change things around them, because they mistakenly believe that will make them happy and it gives them a sense of control.

Far less stressful (maybe not easy, but I hope I get there too), to make yourself happy and realize you can only control yourself. Life is about change and that can't be stopped or controlled.

You ex and mine sound like they are looking for that same level of control and new in their environments. My stbxw changed things until she saw me as the thing to change. I don't think she's happy now that she's made that change, so it will be next man, new house, new job, etc. I'll bet you see the same pattern in your stbxh.


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

angstire said:


> I've read in a couple spots (books and online), that people who are constantly looking for changes in their environment are unhappy or missing something inside. They try to change things around them, because they mistakenly believe that will make them happy and it gives them a sense of control.
> 
> Far less stressful (maybe not easy, but I hope I get there too), to make yourself happy and realize you can only control yourself. Life is about change and that can't be stopped or controlled.
> 
> You ex and mine sound like they are looking for that same level of control and new in their environments. My stbxw changed things until she saw me as the thing to change. I don't think she's happy now that she's made that change, so it will be next man, new house, new job, etc. I'll bet you see the same pattern in your stbxh.


Mine was similar. As we've said before, that behavior all comes out in the end. Unless you're willing to change, the habits you deny will continue to be your habits.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

angstire said:


> I've read in a couple spots (books and online), that people who are constantly looking for changes in their environment are unhappy or missing something inside. They try to change things around them, because they mistakenly believe that will make them happy and it gives them a sense of control.
> 
> Far less stressful (maybe not easy, but I hope I get there too), to make yourself happy and realize you can only control yourself. Life is about change and that can't be stopped or controlled.
> 
> You ex and mine sound like they are looking for that same level of control and new in their environments. My stbxw changed things until she saw me as the thing to change. I don't think she's happy now that she's made that change, so it will be next man, new house, new job, etc. I'll bet you see the same pattern in your stbxh.


I agree about the control - I was my stbxh's first project. Got rid of friends - distanced myself from family- quit my job- agreed to have a baby 2 months after we were married even though I knew full well that we were too young and not ready financially. That's only the start - over 25 years its always been something that he felt needed changing.

They do sound very similar - I am waiting to see how long it takes him to get tired of this new situation. 

See this is exactly why we all still come here - because you can learn something new or find someone who may be able to identify with what your own situation is. That's a nice feeling at a really crazy time in our lives.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

smallsteps said:


> See this is exactly why we all still come here - because you can learn something new or find someone who may be able to identify with what your own situation is. That's a nice feeling at a really crazy time in our lives.


Indeed!


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

I stopped hanging out with friends because a little over a year in, when she detached, I felt like I had no control over my marriage. So I stayed close to home a lot, where I WAS happy, but also because I felt like the further I distanced myself the worse the situation would get. It was dysfunctional from the beginning.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

somethingnewmaybe said:


> I stopped hanging out with friends because a little over a year in, when she detached, I felt like I had no control over my marriage. So I stayed close to home a lot, where I WAS happy, but also because I felt like the further I distanced myself the worse the situation would get. It was dysfunctional from the beginning.


For me it was easier to walk away from my friends than to argue with him or even if I won the argument have him embarrass me by acting like a possessive child in front of them. I had the good fortune of when he left me every one of those friends came back and are helping me now. They all point out that we never had an argument - they just all stepped away because they thought I was happy with him and they didn't want to cause trouble between us. 
I lost control in my marriage right in the beginning but didn't see it that way until many years later. I would say mine was a dysfunctional one too.

Isn't it amazing how much we give up and go through just to keep what we percieve is a "happy marriage" going? Then when we step away the reality of how toxic it was sets in?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I think there most people are trying to repair themselves and their relationships and are seeking an anonymous forum to express their feelings. But, I also think their is an aspect of voyerism too which can be unhealthy if taken to the extreme.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ms. GP said:


> I think there most people are trying to repair themselves and their relationships and are seeking an anonymous forum to express their feelings. But, I also think their is an aspect of voyerism too which can be unhealthy if taken to the extreme.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And, we were just starting to like you.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Dude!! You would have ran away screaming from me today at MC. I let all my crazy out!! Poor GP. We were talking about how we carry over our unmet needs from childhood into our marriages. She even had a little diagram of a box and curved lines represented needs met and straight lines were unmet needs. My box was completely flat. My first thought was! " I'm screwed!!" and I started bawling. Yes. I realize I was totally catastrophizing things. Oh well. At least I got my monies worth today! HA ha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Ms. GP said:


> Dude!! You would have ran away screaming from me today at MC. I let all my crazy out!! Poor GP. We were talking about how we carry over our unmet needs from childhood into our marriages. She even had a little diagram of a box and curved lines represented needs met and straight lines were unmet needs. My box was completely flat. My first thought was! " I'm screwed!!" and I started bawling. Yes. I realize I was totally catastrophizing things. Oh well. At least I got my monies worth today! HA ha
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I truly believe that females have a "worst case scenario" part hardwired in their brains.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I truly believe that females have a "worst case scenario" part hardwired in their brains.


Now what would ever make you think that?? Lol!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

smallsteps said:


> Now what would ever make you think that?? Lol!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just imagine what that triggers in a "niceguy"

Damn, I've got to make her feel better!

(Which, of course, makes her feel more unsafe)


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Just imagine what that triggers in a "niceguy"
> 
> Damn, I've got to make her feel better!
> 
> (Which, of course, makes her feel more unsafe)


It's a *very* hard habit to break.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I know I'm definitely guilty of black and white thinking at times. That's why I try to save it for the pros. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

CG,

That whole dynamic with the gf is f'ing killing me. I don't have any kids so I want a 7 day a week gf. She has two kids and two grandkids and can be a 3-4 day a weeek gf.

Uh oh!

The situation has helped me acknowledge my dependency issues and forces me to work on my independence.

You don't realize it but it helps you work on trusting again as well because that waiting and regret is our trust deficiency.

Still good to have a gf!

Stretch


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Just imagine what that triggers in a "niceguy"
> 
> Damn, I've got to make her feel better!
> 
> (Which, of course, makes her feel more unsafe)


Wow - I get it. Since I wasn't married to a "niceguy" if I pulled a doomsday scenario about something I got a "are you kidding?" or a "stop being so dramatic" or a blank stare lol. I guess that is why I didn't realize where you were going with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Wow - I get it. Since I wasn't married to a "niceguy" if I pulled a doomsday scenario about something I got a "are you kidding?" or a "stop being so dramatic" or a blank stare lol. I guess that is why I didn't realize where you were going with that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey... Nothing wrong with the "blank" stare type.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I think a blank stare accompanied by a little reassurance is probably the best move. Usually once it's said out loud, I feel a little ridiculous.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Hey... Nothing wrong with the "blank" stare type.


If I were you, I must just close my eyes, lay in the fetal position, find a happy place, and pray it all blows over soon. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ReGroup said:


> Hey... Nothing wrong with the "blank" stare type.


Show stealers don't do blank stares.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> Hey... Nothing wrong with the "blank" stare type.


Lol - no there's not but blank stare with eyeroll & heavy sigh - not so good. Eventually I mastered the same look & he hated it!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Ceegee said:


> Show stealers don't do blank stares.


On second thought, she might accuse you of being to cheap to fight for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Conrad said:


> I truly believe that females have a "worst case scenario" part hardwired in their brains.


This might be true. But a wise man can use this to gain some real alpha points. Like, if I'm afraid that a spider has set up residence in the toe of my boot (could TOTALLY happen), instead of mocking me, be all manly and reach into it to be sure. Virtually zero risk, tons of wifely adoration!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

somethingnewmaybe said:


> Mine was similar. As we've said before, that behavior all comes out in the end. Unless you're willing to change, the habits you deny will continue to be your habits.



I was a lot that way myself but probably not for why you would think.
l had dreams . I had ideas about how I wanted to end up living , where, the way l wanted to work, one day I wanna get this car . A house in the burbs at 35 , some 9-5, 2 kids , just like everybody else for ever wasn't what I wanted.
I did like change too but I just dreamed of something a bit special , different.
And we both dreamed of a warmer climate and moved around a lot interstate for a long time.
That all snow balled though because to me new places were always disappointing , not what l thought they would be and we ended up bouncing around a lot for yrs.
She would say l was never happy but for me it was like , ok if this keeps happening l still want to chase my dreams till 40 or so if I have to - and if it still doesn't pan out ok we'll just settle for what we can do.

So in a last stitch effort we went back to a spot in our home state , family and all . We picked again a really unique spot , new to us both , we liked thaat idea if we were going back.
But again the new area had problems like all the rest. This one work was really hard to get , housing finance was really hard too because banks didn't like the area it's population was too small.
So more unsettled . All that basically lead to our problems with stress and that went on for yrs while we tried to make the new area work.
But x probably would have just settled 10yrs earlier in the very first town interstate we went too.
I didn't think there was anything wrong with that , being that settled type of person like hey this'll do me , it's a good thing. It's just more that l had dreams of A certain type of life l wanted and l wanted to spend my best years trying to get it.
PS , l was always changing cars too.:scratchhead:


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## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

That's another possibility altogether that people have expectations that have nothing to do with the other person that change how they behave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

My divorce and separation took place a while back. So, guess I hang out here for the free psychotherapy. I am a cheap SOB (may one call oneself a name on TAM without being banned?).

Ms GP, what was your mother's profession. I imagine that in between the abuse there were some curious and intellectually stimulating conversations in your home when you were a child.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> My divorce and separation took place a while back. So, guess I hang out here for the free psychotherapy. I am a cheap SOB (may one call oneself a name on TAM without being banned?).
> 
> Ms GP, what was your mother's profession. I imagine that in between the abuse there were some curious and intellectually stimulating conversations in your home when you were a child.


My mother was a psych nurse at the time, and went back to school when I was in undergrad for her masters in counseling. My parents are both incredibly brilliant people, and yes there were many intellectually stimulating conversations around the dinner table. (Still are) To be perfectly honest, I could barely understand half of what they were talking about until my junior year of college.

My brothers are also extremely intelligent, but they have yet to finish college. I would describe them as auto Didacts. But my parents seem to always make them feel inferior for not finishing their degrees. It's sad, because they tell me all the time they don't know how I finished school because I'm not as smart as my brothers. That's the kind of head games they like to play. I quit reacting to it, but my poor brothers still get upset.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

LongWalk said:


> My divorce and separation took place a while back. So, guess I hang out here for the free psychotherapy. I am a cheap SOB


Yes, but are you balding?

Are you a show-stealer?

Do you have evil sperm?

If you answer no to the above 3 questions, that's only a .250 batting average.

More work to do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

:rofl: If I had $1 for every great and hilarious thread I missed, I could buy a beach house in Naples


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