# Marriage advice Please



## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

Hi

I need some advice on some marriage issues that Im having.

Im married Im 41 an my husband is 44 yrs. weve been married sience 1995.

Things have been going fine up until these past couple of months. an Things seems to have taken a different turn. My husband use to snuggle with me at night holding my close to him until we fell asleep. Now I dont get that He only throws one arm over me. When I confronted him about it.. he said its because his arm falls asleep the reason why he stopped snuggling with me like he use to. AN our sex life isnt the same. I ask him about that he said that he had lost his sex drive. He says it isnt me. Ok so what could it been then? When I share my feelings he gets mad about what I say an we end up in a big disagreement. So Im feeling that Im not really apart of this marriage at all. I feel like Im just someone to do all the house cleaning, cooking an taking care of the kids an thats it. Ive told him Id like more romance in this marriage an he says ok an it never happens. I really dont know what to do anymore.
Any advice or suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks ~


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you think he has lost his sex drive or do you think it could be something else? What else, if anything, has changed about your husband recently? I am off to bed now but I'm sure there will be other night owls or early morning Englanders along soon. In the mean time, post back with more info.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Your husband could be feeling a disconnect due to his needs not being met. I suggest you read the book " the 5 love languages" and take the quiz. If he is feeling neglected, he may be pulling away from you. Just saying..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not much info to go on. My gut says to check his phone browser for porn, but hey that's just my gut.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Has he had his "T" tested? Is he on any meds that might impact his libido....anti depressants, blood pressure pills, ect.? Is he under any stress lately?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

At his age the t levels are dropping, but this should be something happening over time, not just in the last couple months. Has anything else changed?

Is he out of the house more or more distracted? Keep in mind stress could be a factor as much as the T levels. I sense frustration on his part, it is not easy on a guy when the sex drive drops. 

Do you 2 still have sex at all, and if so is he less intense or hard as in the past? Could there be another woman?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I ask him about that he said that he had lost his sex drive. He says it isnt me. 

When I share my feelings he gets mad about what I say an we end up in a big disagreement.

These two sentences.

If you are suddenly cut off from emotional intimacy, yes you are going to have feelings about that. They are your feelings. What does he say, "he gets mad"? What are the feelings you are telling him?


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## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies. Iam Just concerned about Him saying that about his sex drive. Someone ask me if we have sex yea but not very often. Someone ask me what feelings was I telling him. If I share any kind of feelings he gets mad. When I ask him about the sex.. he said that he had lost his sex drive. when I ask him about the snuggling he said he stopped holding me close because his arm fell asleep. He works Third shift an when he is home on the weekend.. he sleeps, plays ps3 an gets on his computer. He doesnt try to hide anything that he is doing on the computer. So I dont think its porn. Im just really not sure why he has no sex drive an why there isnt any romance in this relationship. But it doesnt matter what kind of feelings that I share he always finds fault with it an he always gets mad. I am not rude or mad anything when I share my feelings with him so its not like I approuch him In a mad or upset way. Iam just to the point I dont know what to do about any of this. He is older than me he is 44 yrs an Im 41. He said that the sex thing an the snuggling thing isnt me.. okey then what is it? I feel more like his room mate than his wife. Thanks for all the advice an help.


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## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Not much info to go on. My gut says to check his phone browser for porn, but hey that's just my gut.


His computer is where I can always see it when he is on it. He doesnt have a cell phone. So I really dont think its porn.


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## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm sorry you're going through this. Do you think he has lost his sex drive or do you think it could be something else? What else, if anything, has changed about your husband recently? I am off to bed now but I'm sure there will be other night owls or early morning Englanders along soon. In the mean time, post back with more info.


Im really not sure whats going on. with him. It just seems that he doesnt care anything about my feelings are anything. Nothing else has really changed with him. Just the things that I said in my post.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

While I bet it's only part of it, he could well be telling the truth about his arm falling asleep. 

It doesn't sound like it has a part in your issue but I know I intentionally stopped cuddling the wife to sleep after years of being constantly rejected. Our intimacy was/is only allowed on her infrequent initiation and it was a long internal battle to control my interest to avoid the pain of rejection. That also reduced my interest in setting up romantic situations just to avoid fights. While I tried to gently talk about it she would always take offense.

The earlier mention of meds was a very good suggestion. I know they impact me significantly so you might research any your husband is taking. Counseling had mixed results for us. Trying to talk with her was just never productive and always led to fights. 

Best of luck!


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Summergirl42 said:


> Hi
> 
> I need some advice on some marriage issues that Im having.
> 
> ...


From what you described I would hasten a GUESS that your DH has entered a MLC. For some people, this rocks previously held assumptions about virtually everything to the very core. The really tough part about this is that your DH may not be able to identify what's going on, other than to feel this sense of uncertainty and anxiety. A MLC is a very personal path, one that genuinely needs guidance and support to arrive at the other end. The guidance is found in IC and the support comes from you. I suggest you get some IC to help you deal with the changes that are happening around you. Kindest Regards-


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## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> From what you described I would hasten a GUESS that your DH has entered a MLC. For some people, this rocks previously held assumptions about virtually everything to the very core. The really tough part about this is that your DH may not be able to identify what's going on, other than to feel this sense of uncertainty and anxiety. A MLC is a very personal path, one that genuinely needs guidance and support to arrive at the other end. The guidance is found in IC and the support comes from you. I suggest you get some IC to help you deal with the changes that are happening around you. Kindest Regards-


what is MLC, DH, MLC...??? What does those stand for?


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## Summergirl42 (Sep 13, 2013)

HomeFrontDadAndMore said:


> While I bet it's only part of it, he could well be telling the truth about his arm falling asleep.
> 
> It doesn't sound like it has a part in your issue but I know I intentionally stopped cuddling the wife to sleep after years of being constantly rejected. Our intimacy was/is only allowed on her infrequent initiation and it was a long internal battle to control my interest to avoid the pain of rejection. That also reduced my interest in setting up romantic situations just to avoid fights. While I tried to gently talk about it she would always take offense.
> 
> ...


This cuddling thing just started,, an he says it doesnt have anything to do with me. so I dont know. I try hard to be a good wife. He has to do nothing in the house but take out the trash. I do everything else an I take care of our three kids. Like I told him his sex drive shouldnt effect him snuggling with me are anything like that. I think the sex drive is a comp out. thanks for your advice !


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Summergirl42 said:


> what is MLC, DH, MLC...??? What does those stand for?


MLC = Mid Life Crises


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Summergirl42 said:


> what is MLC, DH, MLC...??? What does those stand for?


DH: Dear Husband
MLC: Mid Life Crisis


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> DH: Dear Husband
> MLC: Mid Life Crisis


IC: Individual Counseling


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

Jung_admirer said:


> From what you described I would hasten a GUESS that your DH has entered a MLC. For some people, this rocks previously held assumptions about virtually everything to the very core. The really tough part about this is that your DH may not be able to identify what's going on, other than to feel this sense of uncertainty and anxiety. A MLC is a very personal path, one that genuinely needs guidance and support to arrive at the other end. The guidance is found in IC and the support comes from you. I suggest you get some IC to help you deal with the changes that are happening around you. Kindest Regards-


This is often triggered by low hormone levels, try to get your hubby to have a complete blood work up at the Doctor. All T levels free, over all etc. LH, TSH, FSH, all are good tests to see if he is in MLC.

He likely will not want to go, but tell him you want it for both of you. Based on what you have said he likely is entering MLC and as mentioned it is confusing and can cause all the things you are describing.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

my arm fall asleep when cuddling. plus i'm a tosser and turner.

but my sex drive is still as strong as when I was.....young. I'm 47

have you gained weight? do you wear frumpy cloth all the time?
do you give equally during sex. 

are you responsible with money.Do you nag all the time. dose he smoke? or drink alot? any new medicine.

how long has this been going on?


could there be someone else....a new employee. dose he spend time on facebook?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

A checkup with a dr. is good advice.

What I meant about feelings... is "how" you talk to him about his lack of sex drive. It's hard to tell a man that he isn't putting out enough, without affecting his ego. Which makes the problem worse.

Guys -- help with this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It's time to try different things until you hopefully find something that works. It's good that you are asking questions.

For a while, do not talk to him about this, except suggesting that he sees a doc about possible low hormones. Only mention that once or twice. 

For 1 month do not bring up your feelings/needs to him while you are figuring this out. There are some books that I think will help you. Read them in this order:

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands [Laura Schlessinger]

Divorce Busting

His Needs, Her Needs

It's probably better to not tell him that your are reading the books. That way he does not get the idea that any changes in your are contrived.

In one month... re-assess and decide where to go from there because the 1st month is a learning phase.


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Why don't you try something you can control, instead of wondering why he doesn't do this......why don't you put your arms around him, and smother him with affection. Actions really do speak louder than words.....and if the problem is not low T or his arm falls asleep, he might re-engage. 

I think alot of times it is forgotten that this is a 2-way street.

He doesn't put his arms around you......you put yours around him.


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## dc366 (May 25, 2011)

Well I think his sex drive is really dropping. Around the age of 40 testosterone levels drop. This also reduces excitement level. He should be able to sense that his penis is not as hard as it used to be. This is a real shock. This stress further reduces his sexual arousal.

Any time you ask him about sex, he is reminded about what has happened to him so he probably avoids talking about the subject.

The more you ask about sex the more he pulls away from you. He is most probably not going to tell you whats going on.

If you really feel sexual and are not able to have sex with him, I suggest you start looking for other men. Life is too short.. stop waiting before you get too old and you will be reminded of all the lost chances.

If you think what I'm saying is wrong, next time when you have sex make him give you a facial cum shot see if it changes anything.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> MLC = Mid Life Crises


Never having had an MLC in my 54 years I had to look it up myself. Came close to having one when I parked next to a sorority house two weeks ago 

Is the OP and her DH having any financial or work related issues? Those tend to impact intimacy quite a bit...


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would suggest you should not talk to him about this. You should write him a letter. He most likely will not answer it but at least then he will be able to understand you. I think that is really behind all this.


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