# Being in limbo is the WORST!



## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

When H first told me he wants a separation, that was it. He didn't want to try or go to counseling. I was (and still am) devastated but I had to try and move on. It was with no doubt the worst months of my life. I went to my dr. and got meds which seem to be helping. 

He moved out 2 weeks ago and now HE brought up going to counseling to see if "we can work on it". I went to my first IC session the other day and he has an appt next week. Then we will start MC "IF" he is serious about R.

I am so scared that he isn't going to want to work on this marriage. I'm afraid that he is going to admit there is someone else. I'm afraid to go back to the place I was 2 months ago.

I know that I should be focusing on ME and life without him, but it's so hard when there is that glimmer of hope that things can work. This is the worse feeling knowing it can go either way.


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

Jenny the worst fear is the fear of the unknown. It drove me insane for a year, still does. One thing I can tell you is it caused me to do a whole lot of wrong things out of fear. Try to not focus on it. Good advice I got from my therapist which calms me when I feel panic ed and fearful is that i need to continue working on me and get a life and if he comes back it will be a bonus and if he doesn't then at least I've built a life.

Focus on the positives....him wanting to go to therapy. Give it some time to work. You won't see changes after one session. I know it makes you anxious, I was anxious too. I know rushing it does not work though.

I don't want you to follow my path because its hell once you dig your hole too deep.

(((Hugs)))
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The coolest thing about Limbo is that you can end it at anytime that you want.

Don't be fearful. If he does tell you he's done or that there is someone else, then face that, accept it and let it go.

It's much better to be single than grasping at crumbs in a relationship. He is either all in or he isn't. Marriage is a partnership. It takes two.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Its actually quite liberating to finally believe that at this current time, theres really "Nothing you can do"

Instead of feeling scared, you might actually start to feel kinda sorry for their confusion. 

Really? they don't know if they don't want to be with you? don't you have a lot to offer, especially now that you are working on yourself/owned up to your part in this? 

You are taking the time to learn about your self and learn what YOU want from a relationship. It must be very confusing for THEM. And thats not your problem!


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Just Let them Go

I don't know if theres any cheating going on (both in my situation and in yours), but the advice in the above link is pure gold, and has helped me tremendously in assuaging one of my big fears during this time.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

sadwithouthim said:


> Jenny the worst fear is the fear of the unknown. It drove me insane for a year, still does. One thing I can tell you is it caused me to do a whole lot of wrong things out of fear. Try to not focus on it. Good advice I got from my therapist which calms me when I feel panic ed and fearful is that i need to continue working on me and get a life and if he comes back it will be a bonus and if he doesn't then at least I've built a life.
> 
> Focus on the positives....him wanting to go to therapy. Give it some time to work. You won't see changes after one session. I know it makes you anxious, I was anxious too. I know rushing it does not work though.
> 
> ...


Thank you Sad....this makes me very anxious. I wish I could be a fly on the wall during his IC session. 

I hope you are doing ok today!


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The coolest thing about Limbo is that you can end it at anytime that you want.
> 
> Don't be fearful. If he does tell you he's done or that there is someone else, then face that, accept it and let it go.
> 
> It's much better to be single than grasping at crumbs in a relationship. He is either all in or he isn't. Marriage is a partnership. It takes two.


You are absolutely right. Why would I want to hang on if he's not all in it? I would love to turn him down if he ever asked to come home. I wish I truly felt that way, but after 18 years of marriage it's so hard to let go. I miss the family unit.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I am really struggling with that right now as well. Some days are good, others not so much. I just wish I coud let go of the hope...not give up on it, but just let it go. Hang in there ok?


I'm sorry you are struggling with this too. It's not fair.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Just Let them Go
> 
> I don't know if theres any cheating going on (both in my situation and in yours), but the advice in the above link is pure gold, and has helped me tremendously in assuaging one of my big fears during this time.


Thanks for that link. That is some good advice, even if there is no cheating going on. Just the fact that they can let go so easily baffles me.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Sure they let go, but not in the right way. Theres a lot of confusion/blaming going on in that fog of theirs.

As the other partner, you go through that pain, confusion, blaming too. But the difference is, after a while you're able to step back and take a realistic view of the situation. You let go the right way. Easier said than done, but by understanding what motivates/triggers you, you move toward that place.


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## Matt1720 (May 7, 2012)

Very true, over times things changed. You want to change it back overnight. Won't happen. Things can get better for sure, maybe even be better than before. But both have to want it, and be committed to it. You're in love with a memory, not a person.


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## fromblisstothis (May 17, 2012)

Matt1720 said:


> Just Let them Go
> 
> I don't know if theres any cheating going on (both in my situation and in yours), but the advice in the above link is pure gold, and has helped me tremendously in assuaging one of my big fears during this time.


Oh my word- I am printing that off and keeping a copy in my back pocket. Thank you.

After being separated for two weeks (his idea)...I have decided to Let Him Go...and am moving out tomorrow. Who knows, maybe letting them go is the solution to getting them back...


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

I don't know what is happening. He's been texting and even calling all the time. After our son's baseball tournament on Saturday, he started doing stuff around the house. Turns out he stayed over that night (after one too many margaritas). We wound up sleeping together (he initiated). 

He talks about doing family stuff in the future, but we never talked about what is happening in the relationship. He had his first IC session this week. I have to make an appointment for MC soon. 

My neighborhood is having a pool opening party this Saturday and he is coming. We have been getting along great, but my walls are still up. 

Should I ask him what the deal is? I don't want to pressure him or anything, but I want answers. It's really not fair to me. Should I wait until MC to discuss whats going on??


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

jenny123 said:


> Should I ask him what the deal is? I don't want to pressure him or anything, but I want answers. It's really not fair to me. Should I wait until MC to discuss whats going on??


You just answered your own question, it's not fair to you. Now, you don't have to be pushy, but you have every right to ask him what exactly his thought process is.

Take a step back and listen to him, try not to react to everything he says. If anything, you could use the MC session as a back up / support to what he says. Let him know you want to discuss it more in MC.


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

We spent the whole 3 day weekend together. I finally asked him if he thought about coming back home and he said he wants to......then he told me he loves me.:smthumbup:

He started IC last week. We are going to start MC. I still need answers and we need to get alot of things out in the open. It's a good start. At least now I know where we stand and can start working on us instead of being in limbo. It will be a long road but the one I am glad to be on.

I am very happy, but also treading lightly. Thank you all for your support during my darkest days. It was pure hell and I pray for everyone going through this.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

Jenny Im so happy for you! Good Luck- let us know how it goes


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## jenny123 (Mar 21, 2012)

Thanks unsure.....and good luck on your date this weekend! I hope it works out for you!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Very happy for you! Best wishes!!


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