# Is my wife cheating/going to cheat?



## saint11 (Mar 30, 2012)

Hello everyone greeting from THE LONGHORN STATE !!! It's a mostly sunny day here in Austin!!!
I'm longwinded I'm sorry in advance.

I'm sitting here worried as to weather or not my wife is going to cheat or is cheating. First off I really have flimsy reasons but I have a bit of a paranoid/suspicious personality to start with. Also I'll say this, I'm a reasonable person in general I recognize when I'm being paranoid and don't often express those feelings and usually things are just fine. So here is my issue. Without going into detail about where and what kind of work my wife does I'll explain what I've noticed and what I think may be going on. My wife is pretty far up the ladder in here job, that being said there are a few people that are laterally high but report to a different boss in a different building; they are I guess you could say her equal but operate as a security function. It all started about 2 years ago when I noticed she was spending a lot of time in this fellows office. It's worth noting that it is a shared office but there are rarely more than 1-2 people in it at a time and usually 1 of them is him and often he's the only one there. NOW it's not completely out of the scope of my wife’s job to be there, there are instances that would require here to be there for a time. I have however seen her and know that she goes there "with a reason" but not really a reason SHE would "need" to be there for. Many of the things she spends hours in there doing with/without him are in fact not her actual duty but his. Communication is part of there job but I can't really understand a reason they would need to text outside of work or when one is not there, these things could easily be left for email or notes at work but often tend to be sent via text. Well... I assume they COULD be work related I know that they texted quite a bit in the past but honestly I don't really know what there were I've only seen his number in the call/text log. Back where I noticed that there were a large number of texts/calls from him<>her I asked and kind of made my thoughts know and then I didn't see them in the bills anymore. I have a few times talked to my wife about this guy over the last few years while I've had these suspicions and maybe I'm crazy but when I see this person I get that feeling in the way he looks at me that he know more about what’s going on than he should. I'm very good at reading people, I wouldn't go as far as to say I can read minds but I can almost always figure someone out in only a few encounters. However my wife is a complete mystery to me I can't read her at all, maybe it's because I love her or some other reason but I can't make heads or tails of what she's thinking most of the time. Now that that long winded story is out (sorry I like to hear myself talk and it seems to bleed into my writing) I will say this for my wife, she doesn't spend all day texting on her days off she's home on time and leaves on time to go to work. She stays home on her days off or we go somewhere together or with the kids. There is nothing to make me wonder when we are together it's only at work I get these feelings. My concern is that there is something going on behind closed doors that is restricted to the time she spends at work. Both her and this fellow are in a position to leave as they like for lunches and/or w/e else they can conjure up. I'm at a loss as to why she would insist on spending time with him when she knows it bothers me :scratchhead:

In closing, I have made many attempts to get this to stop she knows it bothers me when she goes to his office and does w/e she says she has to do sometimes for the better parts of the day but she continues to do it. There is no reason they need to work closely and do it solely by their own choice. She doesn't cancel plans or go out drinking, she goes to lunch when I ask her on short notice ect. There are no outside factors to make my suspicion more intense but perhaps one. At one point I had gone to visit sort of unannounced and as a pulled into the complex where she works just past the gate I notice this guy sitting in his parked car once I pull around and part I get out and start walking towards her building this guy pulls around and had apparently called one of his people out to get something he had brought for my wife. As I'm walking up I happened to be in earshot of this person replying loudly to him the name of the person he was asking them to give it to with an odd look on their face. As I pass the checkpoint just past the doorway I see that person take the item into his office which was peculiar to me because as I turned an looked back I see him on his way in with a similar item, which I know realize is takeout. Now the gears turn and I start to wonder.. Why would he have someone take something in for someone when he was on his way to that same place with some of his own?... Also why was he parked in his car with both meals far from the building? Did he have them take it in to try and hide it from me that he had brought it? Was he waiting in his car for her to come eat with him and changed his mind when he saw me? Something is a-foot in my opinion but I figured that it would be best to get some outside opinions as to not let my brain analyze this into something that it may not be. I've looked at this at every angle I realize it may just be a friendship it may not even be that I suppose it could just be "a series of unfortunate events" wrongly interpreted. 

Anyway I'll shut up now, if you've gotten this far into my ramble I thank you for you patience.

P.S. Sorry for the spelling grammar I had to hammer this out before softball practice.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you are suspicious there are several things you need to do. One is to stop talking to her about it. Go dark about it. You made your point. She knows that you are checking her phone. Since the text and phone calls stopped it is either because she got it and stopped because it bothered you or she went underground and has another phone or another means of staying in contact.

Put a VAR under her car seat. Cheaters will often feel safe talking in their cars. You can then retrieve the VAR from time to time and listen to whatever conversation is going on.

That would be my first step.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I think you`re a little paranoid.

Word of warning, this forum will kick that little bit of paranoia into extreme overdrive and you could very well do something stupid.

The only real red flag I see in your OP is that the texts/messages from this male co-worker stopped when you mentioned them to your wife.
That seems to be a direct result of your inquiry and is suspicious.

Other than that I don`t really see anything.

If you`re concerned do some investigating.

Voice activated recorder in her car.
GPS her phone
Keylogger on her computer.

If you don`t find anything within a week or so I`d deactivate all snooping equipment and forget about it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I think you`re a little paranoid.
> 
> Word of warning, this forum will kick that little bit of paranoia into extreme overdrive and you could very well do something stupid.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

This may be a good place to throw this out.

I recently heard of a program that will allow you to actually listen in on both side of a phone conversation. Also, it claims to save both sides of any texting that goes on. It also claims that you can set the program up to email you if another phone (wife's) gets or makes a call to a specific number (OM) - then you can listen in. Don't know how (on your phone????). It also claims to save any emails sent or received.

Drawbacks
1. I do not know if this is legal - could get you in trouble if found out.
2. I do not know if all claims are valid.
3. They advertise that an iphone or Blackberry must be "jailbroken" to install this. But claim to include step by step instructions on how to do this. If the phones in question are "company" phone you probably don't want to use this.
4. I have no idea of the cost of the program - could be one time cost or it might be month to month to keep the service active.

Before throwing out the name of the program maybe one of the moderators can let me know if this is something that is allowed on this site?

But I agree with others here - you need to do more investigation and get some proof. The majority of times - your gut is probably right.


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

I agree with TDSC60, your gut is trying to tell you something. And maybe the relationship is nothing more than friends but your senses are telling you that maybe its too close for comfort and its normal to feel that way.

Definitely start gathering info, have you considered a PI to watch them during lunch time?


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## saint11 (Mar 30, 2012)

This whole thing makes me feel like crap on every front. If she is in deed not doing anything wrong and I'm just making my own conclusions taking the measures listed above would just make me feel worse. I'm torn in all directions I'm not usually wrong when I feel like something isn't right BUT what if I am and I violate her trust am I any better than someone that is cheating? Am I trustworthy if I do these things?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed would your wife accept all of this disrespect from you?


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## saint11 (Mar 30, 2012)

bryanp said:


> If the roles were reversed would your wife accept all of this disrespect from you?


Perhaps not but I couldn't say that she would bug my phone, car, and pc. Obviously she isn't willing to fullfill my wishes to keep this guy at a distance maybe it's not even important if she's cheating. . . Uhg!


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

saint11 said:


> This whole thing makes me feel like crap on every front. If she is in deed not doing anything wrong and I'm just making my own conclusions taking the measures listed above would just make me feel worse. I'm torn in all directions I'm not usually wrong when I feel like something isn't right BUT what if I am and I violate her trust am I any better than someone that is cheating? Am I trustworthy if I do these things?


I don't understand this line of thinking. Infidelity is not the same as investigating the possibility of infidelity. So you remember your wedding vows? Was not reading your wife's email one of the vows? I know it wasn't one of mine.

It is often said on this board that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy means your wife can shut the door when she's in the bathroom. Secrecy means your wife calls, texts, spends all day in the office of, and eats lunches with this guy from work and hides it from you.

Successful marriages have boundaries. Successfully married people may work closely with people of the opposite sex, but they don't have "work husbands" or "work wives." It sounds like this guy is your wife's "work husband." That needs to stop. Even if it is innocent, it makes you uncomfortable. And, it increases the odds that your wife is going to cheat with this guy.

Good luck.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Blind trust in a spouse will sooner or latter just get you whacked in the head with a 2x4. I can not tell you how many times a friend said to me "I didn't see that coming." Well, it was because they were not looking for it and ignored the obvious warning signs. They just could not believe it would happen to them. They were wrong.

Follow your gut feeling. Investigate and confirm before confronting. You have already expressed your uneasiness with this guy and she ignored you.

It may not be a physical affair. But it could very well be behavior that she knows you would consider inappropriate. Snoop as much as you need to and DO NOT FEEL GUILTY about doing it.

There is no room for secrets in a marriage.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

saint11 said:


> Perhaps not but I couldn't say that she would bug my phone, car, and pc. Obviously she isn't willing to fullfill my wishes to keep this guy at a distance maybe it's not even important if she's cheating. . . Uhg!


If your marriage is not your #1 priority than sure worry about petty stuff like this. Take charge and do what it takes to save your marriage. At all costs. If you are not all in at you risk being all out.

Partners are supposed to protect and care for one another. Do that. 

Blind trust is lazy and weak.

Marriage is about love and respect. Trust is a by-product. Don't confuse them. Or if it helps love trumps all.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

saint11 said:


> This whole thing makes me feel like crap on every front. If she is in deed not doing anything wrong and I'm just making my own conclusions taking the measures listed above would just make me feel worse. I'm torn in all directions I'm not usually wrong when I feel like something isn't right BUT what if I am and I violate her trust am I any better than someone that is cheating? Am I trustworthy if I do these things?


Notice you keep using the word "feel". That is intuition. Nothing wrong with validating. Stop feeling and start acting.


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## BroderickMi (Mar 30, 2012)

you are suspicious there are several things you need to do. One is to stop talking to her about it.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Going back to the time you told your wife the texting bothered you: Did she offer to show you the texts? or did she just stop texting so much?

Was the texting outside of work hours? What was the approximate number of texts and what times of day were they?

I find it strange that she stopped texting if it indeed was required for work. If it truly were required for work, wouldn't she tell you that and then show you the texts, like, see, it really is necessary for my job?


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## saint11 (Mar 30, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Going back to the time you told your wife the texting bothered you: Did she offer to show you the texts? or did she just stop texting so much?
> 
> Was the texting outside of work hours? What was the approximate number of texts and what times of day were they?
> 
> I find it strange that she stopped texting if it indeed was required for work. If it truly were required for work, wouldn't she tell you that and then show you the texts, like, see, it really is necessary for my job?


She did actually show me the texts at that time, there were indeed work related but just small 3,4, or 5 words asking or answering some small meaningless questions. I'd say there were 20 or so each way at that time which continued for 2 weeks either way until I asked her about them and why. I agree it's odd that if they were for work why would she just be able to stop with no troubles or perhaps she didn't I'm not the type to grab her phone while she sleeps and dig through it. I would do it now but she no doubtedly deletes anything I shouldn't see since she knows I'm suspicious. I'll give it a few weeks and start digging I guess.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

saint11 said:


> She did actually show me the texts at that time, there were indeed work related but just small 3,4, or 5 words asking or answering some small meaningless questions. I'd say there were 20 or so each way at that time which continued for 2 weeks either way until I asked her about them and why. I agree it's odd that if they were for work why would she just be able to stop with no troubles or perhaps she didn't I'm not the type to grab her phone while she sleeps and dig through it. I would do it now but she no doubtedly deletes anything I shouldn't see since she knows I'm suspicious. I'll give it a few weeks and start digging I guess.


Can't you access the text messages through your phone carriers online account? Either way you want to keep it on the down low until you are sure she is having an affair or not.


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## LeighRichwood (Mar 31, 2012)

One of the things I think you need to do now is to cool the talk about how suspicious you are about her texting and friendship. If she thinks you're suspicious she'll just go deeper and be more careful. 

Telling your spouse about your suspicions only makes the job of getting the details more difficult. The last thing you need is to make this more difficult.

This will be hard for you to do. As a spouse who is honest, you want to discuss things with your wife. Not being able to be honest about your feelings is very difficult. But you must keep this from her if you want to find out the truth.

You need to know the truth or you won't be able to help your marriage.

Start investigating to get details that you can use to prove to yourself what's really going on and have evidence to confront her with. That's the only way you'll get the info you need and get to the bottom of your situation.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

She has definitely gone underground.

So, stop talking to her on this. Act normal.

I think you need to hire a PI. Cell phone thing may not work because she may use those temporary phones.

Could you talk to the person who came out to get the thing from OM for your wife? Could you discreetly find out things from her close colleagues?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

saint11 said:


> Obviously she isn't willing to fullfill my wishes to keep this guy at a distance maybe it's not even important if she's cheating.


 No maybe about it. Cheating or not, she should respect your concerns. No friendship with another man should be so important to her. That being said, the fact that she will not stop when asked directly by you, is a strong indication that she is in an emotional affair (EA). You should sit your wife down and ask her in no uncertain terms to end her relationship with the other man. Look up the term emotional affair (EA) and be prepared to explain it to her. Many spouses that are in an EAs are unaware until it is explained to them that an EA is cheating. They think that just because they have not had intercourse with the OM, that what they are doing is OK.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> She has definitely gone underground.
> 
> So, stop talking to her on this. Act normal.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Did you install a keylogger and place a VAR in her car?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

saint11 said:


> This whole thing makes me feel like crap on every front. If she is in deed not doing anything wrong and I'm just making my own conclusions taking the measures listed above would just make me feel worse. I'm torn in all directions I'm not usually wrong when I feel like something isn't right BUT what if I am and I violate her trust am I any better than someone that is cheating? Am I trustworthy if I do these things?


Your number one responsibility is to protect your family. Your wife may be innocent but I would bet the OM has plans or yuou wouldn't get that weird vibe from him. Of course there are other threads here where workmates have had long term affairs with betraying themselves for years.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How do you know how much time she spends with him in his office?


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## Baffled01 (Mar 14, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> This may be a good place to throw this out.
> 
> I recently heard of a program that will allow you to actually listen in on both side of a phone conversation. Also, it claims to save both sides of any texting that goes on. It also claims that you can set the program up to email you if another phone (wife's) gets or makes a call to a specific number (OM) - then you can listen in. Don't know how (on your phone????). It also claims to save any emails sent or received.
> 
> ...


There are many programs out there that will do this. I heard the most economical is called 'Spybubble'. I use it. Must be downloaded and installed on the target phone. Provides log entries for every phone call and text message made to or from the target phone, even if the user deleted them. You can view this info by signing in to a website from any computer. I found it to be effective on my Android phone.


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