# Should I expose affair to OW husband?



## helpless70 (Feb 28, 2013)

Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10. 
I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I would tell OW's H if I were you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes you should tell him...wouldn't you want to know in his situation.

Nothing you do or say can hurt her family anymore than her affair with your husband already has.

So sorry you going through this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

You should also be exposing this to their employer as well. If you want to have any chance at saving your marriage, they CANNOT stay in constant contact. Period. There's no other way. 

If you're not willing to bust this up completely and permanently, then you may as well go ahead and file for divorce, because I can guarantee you that is where you'll be headed.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Expose ASAP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yep. Time for you to p**s on their chips, to use a quaint Britishism.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Yes...expose...expose...expose...


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

WHY ARE YOU ASKING you should have done it the second you found out!!! would you want to know if it was the other way around??? :scratchhead: :scratchhead:


:banghead: :wtf:


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes you need to expose to the H and co workers. It ended my Hs A dead in 3 weeks. 
OWs H did the exposure but it doesn't matter who does it.
Your H will be mad as hell but so be it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Your H will be mad as hell but so be it


Too ****ing bad eh?


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## helpless70 (Feb 28, 2013)

Wow! you guys are fast.

I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

helpless70 said:


> Wow! you guys are fast.
> 
> I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.


Exactly. If what is stopping him is OW is not aviable...
Expose, let the chips fall whener they may. Dont warn your BH nor MOW. Get some evidence in case MOW paint you as the crazy wife of an inocent coworker.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

How did you discover the affair. I'm only curious because evidence is much better then your voice on the phone telling him. It would be nice to have chat logs, phone logs, etc. That you could deliver the H with a note explaining the details you are aware of. I think the better you nail her the more effective it will be and there will be less of her denying it and lying.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

helpless70 said:


> Wow! you guys are fast.
> 
> I know what I need to do. The reason I didn't do it in the first place was that my H wanted a separation and I was afraid that he would run into her arms if her hubby kicked her out. Now I realize that if this happens, I don't want him. Its just so hard to let go of the dream I have carried with me for the past 15 years.


You don't have to let go of that dream. You just have to suspend your belief in that dream temporarily and get to work on busting up this affair. And the best chance for that is full nuclear exposure.



MelodyLane @ MB said:


> Exposure 101
> 
> Exposure is simply your most powerful weapon against an affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure can be ruinous. Exposure is no guarantee, but it is your best bet at killing the affair and making it possible to save your marriage. YES, we know your spouse will be furious, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wayward spouse's anger at all cost. Your marriage can survive his/her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. Read up on why exposure is so effective: When Should an Affair Be Exposed?
> 
> ...


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Talk to OW's husband ASAP. That'll most likely kill the affair and only then will yo have a chance in saving your marriage.

After talking to the OWh, I would also expose to your family and friends.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

Expose the affair to everyone. Even the family pets and the cactus on the windowsill. 

I kept quiet to protect my disloyal wife and it bit me in the ass in the form of a FalseR. Like someone else on TAM wrote, affairs are like mold and thrive in darkness. 

The only people I kept out of the loop were octogenarian grandparents. They really don't need the worry.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

What are you afraid of? He's already in her arms, he's wanting a divorce. Exposé quickly you at save this.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

DrMathias said:


> Expose the affair to everyone. *Even the family pets and the cactus on the windowsill.*


That actually made me chuckle.

Hope you're doing okay DM. Been thinking about ya'.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

helpless70 said:


> Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
> I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.


You have a duty to tell her.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

helpless70 said:


> Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
> I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.


I would want to know if my wife was cheating on me. I would like to decide what is best for my kids, not you. If I wanted to stay together for the sake of the kids, I could.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> You have a duty to tell her.


No she doesn't.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Yes you should tell her husband,at least this way he knows early on what kind of a wife he really has.This gives him the option if he wants to stay married to this type of woman.

Its better he finds out now than after multiple affairs 20 yrs into the marriage.I only assume, if she dosen't get caught she will 
repeat this cheating pattern.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Yes, expose to her husband. You need an ally against your common enemy: the Affair. Plus, someone has to open his eyes, he deserves to know. 
Though, beware: it may backfire and he may kick her ass right into your H's arms. But as you rightfully stated that if this happens you don't want him anymore, go for it. 

I would limit exposing to her husband if you opt to stay in your marriage. Do not tell employer, friends, family, pets and plants too. I can't see how you would feel good making your friends and family hate him, and how creating him trouble at work would benefit your marriage on all fronts.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Not Helpless anymore...

This "theory" that circles around here... "If you expose hard and far, you will make him mad and run him right back into her arms", give me a break. 

If you expose and he leaves... why would you want him back regardless. This theory of easing your WS out of their affair to return to home is a joke.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

This is just my opinion but I believe it takes 2 to tango. Yes the primary culprit would be my SO and would surely get the worst of my fury. But, if OW decides to participate, especially if she's also married, well then, you messed with my life, now I will mess with yours.

Some may not agree, but that's how I feel about it.

If the exposure leads him to her arms, so be it, cuz my SO would be out the door anyway.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)




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## helpless70 (Feb 28, 2013)

OK. Getting up the courage to do it. I think I'd rather call than meet him in person since I don't really know anything about him. And yes, I know their address and home #.


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## Lmodel (Jun 1, 2012)

Tell him.


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## still.hurting (Dec 10, 2012)

helpless70 said:


> Stats: Together 15 years. Married 10.
> I discovered that my husband was having an affair several months ago after he gave me the ILYBINILWY line. Stupidly, I sat by hoping it would stop. Well it didn't. He moved into another room in the house because "he wasn't attracted to me anymore". After 4 weeks of this I was fed up and told him that I knew everything. He told me he was sorry and he wanted a divorce. I told him that we should at least give our relationship a try without the other woman's involvement. He agreed and told me he stopped seeing her. Now. The hard part. He works with her. He is currently in a surgery fellowship and she is a nurse at the hospital. He can't quit to get away from her. She is married with two little kids. We have none. Should I tell her husband to help ensure the affairs end? I know that the OW and her husband are having problems, but I would feel sorry for the kids.


 D day for me was 28 July 2011, I exposed their affair via FB -posting on my wall exactly what went on and naming names and asking for help from anyone who knew of the girl?, through that I was able to track down her profile and I sent her a msg. I knew from their phone msg's her fiancé's name and msg anyone with that name who was friends with her via FB, in attempt to inform her fiancé of their affair (I didn't succed) BUT, enough people knew and it was enough to scare the crap out of her to end the affair and cease contact with my H. The last time they had contact was the 12 Aug 2011, he tried to mend things with me a few days after, I did fall for it... We started seeing each other on the 20 Aug 2011, got married on 20 Oct 2012, been going to mc and ic ever since and he has been trying to make up for his past mistakes ever since.
Recovery is VERY hard, the trust issue isn't back for me still and I still question if I am truly his first choice and if I am doing the right thing being with him and then some days I feel like it's so right and feel so secure... It's an emotional rollercoaster...!
Good luck! I definitely think you should expose the affair, your H will be mad at first but he WILL try and make amends with you also. It's like they can't handle loosing everything, and, the 'fog' ends faster once their secret is exposed...
Again, good luck and I'm sorry that you are here too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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