# Married Years with Ex Issues



## kainstevens (Nov 28, 2012)

I am a first time poster. Please forgive me if I break any forum rules. I am posting because of a terrible Thanksgiving trip to my in-laws' place in Los Angeles. My wife and her Mom have so much beef with each other because of things that have happened between them in the past, it's challenging and stressful being around them both at the same time. Here is the background; 

My wife (Sam) has a female best friend (Judy), they were Lovers back a few years ago. Judy's husband was somehow involved and I never really wanted details as to what he was doing while my wide was sleeping with his wife. Judy, is my wife's main source of relationship advice for our relationship. 
In addition, my wife has multiple ex boyfriends we are still social with. One of whom, (Bobby) can't help referencing their past, even when I am in the same room. My wife, thinks her ability to maintain friendships with these exs is part of her closure process and is proud of herself for finding something redeeming in these men after their relationships were done. 

I was uneasily ok with all of this until about 16 months ago. Sam was preggers with our amazing daughter. I happened to walk into the room and catch Sam telling Bobby she Loved him before she got off the phone. Apparently, she did this with almost all of the exs. I only ever heard the one time. I flipped out. To be honest, had she not been 8 months pregnant with our daughter, I would likely have just left that night. I can't tell if that is an over reaction on my part to this day. Things have taken a gradual turn for the worse with how I see these people in our lives ever since. 

The night before Thanksgiving this year, my wife and I are at her parent's place and things are going fine, other than weirdness with Sam and her Mom. Everyone starts drinking. Sam says something to me about not letting go of she and Judy's previous relationship. I begin depressed drinking, in the garage of all places. I come into the house and I don't remember how the big fight started or really what happened but apparently I told Sam's Mom that she had slept with Judy. This is bad for many reasons: 1. Her Mom had no idea her daughter ever liked girls (as a man raised by gay parents, I cannot believe I outed someone), 2. Referencing someone's sexual past with their parent is a **** move, 3. I, in general, betrayed my wife's trust on a foundational level. 

The next morning the house was beyond tense. I stopped drinking, which hasn't been an issue. I made the best of the holiday but was and am clearly still in hot water with Sam and her family. I made an appt for counseling and a hipnotist (happening tomorrow). 

My questions are: 

1. Am I crazy to feel this uncomfortable with Sam's relationship with Judy? 
2. Same question on all these exs, I count 8 of them. 
3. How badly did I just mess up and is there a way back to happy or at least normal?
4. Beyond what I have already done, what are my next steps? I don't even know how to approach this conversation with my wife. 

All thoughts are welcome and appreciated. 

Thanks, 

K


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

In your situation I'd have been a very long time gone.


But then I get very jealous at the thought of losing my wife (now tbxw) to other men let alone other women.


In your situation you must be totally saturated with negative emotions, sadness, anger, rage, depression, fear, anxiety etc.


Seriously it's no way to live. You'll end up with all sorts of internal physical problems, digestive system, stomach ulcers, nervous system exhaustion and breakdown and quite possible bone problems as well let alone your psychological health.


Your wife thinks her way of life is more or less "normal". And believe you me there is nothing you can do that will make her see it any differently.


You might want to seriously think about cutting your losses and get out of your marriage now. Drinking and other forms of drugging yourself is not the way to go.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

kainstevens said:


> My questions are:
> 
> 1. Am I crazy to feel this uncomfortable with Sam's relationship with Judy?


Nope. Not at all. Getting advice on your current relationship from an ex-lover is a terrible idea. Way out of line. I don't care if she is a woman.



> 2. Same question on all these exs, I count 8 of them.


No, not at all. She should not be contacting them. And I would insist on a paternity test for your daughter as well.



> 3. How badly did I just mess up and is there a way back to happy or at least normal?
> 
> 4. Beyond what I have already done, what are my next steps? I don't even know how to approach this conversation with my wife.


I think you should go over to MSSL and get some advice from Athol Kay. He has helped people out of a lot of situations like this.

Sounds to me like your relationship is on extremely shaky ground.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

> Sam says something to me about not letting go of she and Judy's previous relationship.


I missed this the first time through. SHE said something about YOU not letting it go. That's rich. What about her letting go of her past flings. You'll need to learn to stand up for yourself better if your going to keep this marriage working.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

kainstevens said:


> I am a first time poster. Please forgive me if I break any forum rules. I am posting because of a terrible Thanksgiving trip to my in-laws' place in Los Angeles. My wife and her Mom have so much beef with each other because of things that have happened between them in the past, it's challenging and stressful being around them both at the same time. Here is the background;
> 
> My wife (Sam) has a female best friend (Judy), they were Lovers back a few years ago. Judy's husband was somehow involved and I never really wanted details as to what he was doing while my wide was sleeping with his wife. Judy, is my wife's main source of relationship advice for our relationship.
> In addition, my wife has multiple ex boyfriends we are still social with. One of whom, (Bobby) can't help referencing their past, even when I am in the same room. My wife, thinks her ability to maintain friendships with these exs is part of her closure process and is proud of herself for finding something redeeming in these men after their relationships were done.
> ...


You don't have a wife, you have a communal truck stop, and a popular one at that.

Your "marriage" is over, but unfortunately you are too far gone at he moment to realize. Have you asked yourself why your "wife" is staying with you? Does she work? Do you make more money than her? Are you super indulgent to her every whim, need, and desire?

There is no "normal" to return to. 

Your self esteem is shattered. I know it is shattered because nobody with even a remotely healthy sense of their own worth would put up with a wife who:

- Slept with another woman, who she is still openly seeing while married

- Is, at the very least, having several emotional affairs with a cornucopia of exes

- And when the sh*t finally hit the fan, is actually the one blaming themselves for the marital troubles

There is a very real possibility that your child might not even be yours, considering your "wife's" behavior.

You may not be strong enough to ditch the wife yet, but she will likely ditch you as soon as she's finished using you up.

You need to reattach your balls just enough to get into some therapy. You need help right now to explore why you've reached a point where you could become somebody's human toilet, and not see the problem in that.


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