# How do I communicate with him?



## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I will try to not make this long. A Little background: We have been together for 7 years we have 1 child, a toddler.
He is a very kind and good man, yet very selfish and needy. He always puts himself first and everyone else comes second to what he wants. 
I have my faults too, I am learning that I am pretty needy myself.
I need to feel loved and appreciated and cared for. He does take good care of me. He is lacking in the loving and affection and the big one communication.
I have tried talking to him about this before, but I can see the look come across his face. He feels like a failure and he is not good enough etc. and it usually ends with me re-assuring him and me still not getting what I need.
I have tried starting every day normal conversations, It usually doesn't make it very far. Most of the time I feel that he is telling me what I want to hear so I will go away. This brings up trust issues. 
It just feels like the harder I try the more it is spiraling out of control. So I need some help/advice. HOw do I get us out of this rut before we get to deep?
Thanks!


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

The key here is HOW you bring it up to him. When my gf overlooks the nice things I do, and can only complain about what is missing, I feel like a failure, and I lose the motivation to try. Why bother trying to please someone who will not be pleased.

I wager your husband is gun-shy. When you "communicate", do you focus on one issue at a time, and emphasize positive, as well as negative? Orrrr.... do you use the conversation as a gripe-fest, and fling a bunch of "I need more care, I need more time to myself, you didn't wash these dishes properly" then OF COURSE he is going to tell you what you want to hear just to shut you up.

The fact that you say you are needy too makes this very interesting. Do you KNOW what his needs are? Can you proactively see to them, and then see if he reciprocates? If he has been after you about more alone time, can you just out of the blue say "i'm going to take the kid tonight so you can ahve some time to yourself" and just leavei t at that. Don't bargain yet, don't fling that back on him later when YOU want something, just see what happens.

Another trick to these conversations is to remove yourself as the subjects and use others as examples. You have to be careful doing this, because otherwise he'll draw the connection, but if you are good at it, you can get a LOT of information. It also helps to reverse the genders so that the male is the "right" one. For example, say you wanted to discuss equality in chores. You could say something like "my co-worker was late again because his wife decided to sleep in instead of taking the kid to day-care. Its so unfair that I had to run his meeting for him". Your goal is to get him to discuss the equality in chores and learn about his opinion. He may say "yeah, spouses should share equally" or he might say "well he brings in money while she stays at home, so he shouldn't ahve to lift a finger". Either way, by removing you two as the subject, you get a mroe direct conversation.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---Most of the time I feel that he is telling me what I want to hear so I will go away.---

I have to address this separately. Men HATE this attitude because it taints the nice things they do. Yes there are times when men will say anything just to stop the nagging. But I have found that women who are upset that they aren't getting something they want, are STILL upset when they DO get it, because they think he is only buttering her up or something.

If he does not feel appreciated, he will shut down.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

I do appreciate the things he does. He is a great help around the house and I tell him this often. I thank him for frequently for the things he does.
I do not know for sure what his needs are as I can not get him to tell me. I do make sure the house is straitened up when he gets home from work, dinner is always ready, I give him his time and take off with our D. He gets frequent back rubs, sex is good. I frequently leave him cute little notes and treats in his car / lunch etc. I am not trying to make myself look like a saint here because I am not. Just showing how I am trying. 
I feel like I think like a guy but still have the darn female hormones. =) I do need more from him emotionally but I know nagging is bad bad bad. I hate being nagged therefore I don't do it to him. If he does do something I don't like my response is something like thanks I appreciate it, next time it would be great if...., or I just leave it as thanks if it is not a huge deal to me.

I just feel really disconected from him and trying for a while to get us back. 
Doing some other reading on here though I think it is time for me to quit concentrating on him and trying so hard and start concentrating on me.


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## wantingmore (Nov 24, 2008)

thanks for the advice by the way. I love this site and the feedback.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wantingmore said:


> I think it is time for me to quit concentrating on him and trying so hard and start concentrating on me.


:iagree:


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## goodintent65 (Nov 26, 2008)

wantingmore said:


> I will try to not make this long. A Little background: We have been together for 7 years we have 1 child, a toddler.
> He is a very kind and good man, yet very selfish and needy. He always puts himself first and everyone else comes second to what he wants.
> I have my faults too, I am learning that I am pretty needy myself.
> I need to feel loved and appreciated and cared for. He does take good care of me. He is lacking in the loving and affection and the big one communication.
> ...


Sweetie, I feel your pain.  You hit the nail on the head for me too.....you end up reassuring him and not getting what you need. I have tried every approach known to man, and it all ends the same. I am married to the salt of the earth....the nicest guy ever..........and he has not physically touched me for over 5 years now....and no matter how I try to talk about it, he turns it around and does the same thing......he is a failure and if I need that, then why did I marry him, blah blah blah.

Forum, give us both advice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please


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