# Do you ever wish you would have let them go.



## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lot's of us try to warn you folks who come on here who are cheated on. Let me warn you again maybe you will listen this time. You get ONE life. Time is finite. You can always make more money assuming you are not past retirement age.


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## DjDjani (Feb 10, 2018)

It will be hard, but you will work harder and make money, but life is short, don't stay in unhappy marriage and be miserable. Divorce, find a good woman and if she works, it will be easier and you will be happy once again.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BURNT KEP said:


> Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially.


Why did she stay with you when she was planning to leave?

Things are not OK. She cheated and faced zero consequences. Not OK for you. 

Some men cannot forget about their wife having an affair and just move on. Sounds like you are one (so am I).

Do you have children? Do you have a job? 

Need a little more info.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

BURNT KEP said:


> Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially.


Now in my seventh decade, I can say with great certainty.

The biggest mistake of my entire life was staying with my ex-wife past the third year.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Lot's of us try to warn you folks who come on here who are cheated on. Let me warn you again maybe you will listen this time. You get ONE live. Time is finite. You can always make more money assuming you are not past retirement age.


Or so completely defeated by 35 years of reviews saying "not good enough" due to ADHD that you literally get sick to your stomach at the prospect of ever having another job.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

DjDjani said:


> It will be hard, but you will work harder and make money, but life is short, don't stay in unhappy marriage and be miserable. Divorce, find a good woman and if she works, it will be easier and you will be happy once again.


Or don't bother with another woman. They are not necessary.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. *I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially*.


Figure it out because you only get one life to live.

I always wonder how many BSs once the shock wears off leave or wish they had years later.

Did your wife ever show remorse? Work on herself?


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## BadGrammar (Oct 29, 2017)

If you don’t have kids, it’s time to prepare your exit. Do your best to detach from her emotionally. Arrange your finances to ensure the best possible outcome upon your leaving. Take your time. Do this carefully, and deliberately...then dump her.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have read a few of your posts from your first thread. Why did you stay?

Do you have kids?

Can you transfer to another place with your job?

Do you have the funds to start again?

If no kids then take off and let her figure it out. 

Talk with a lawyer before hand to see what you need to do to cover yourself. 

Also talk with Taxman on TAM to see if he can help or has any advice.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

BadGrammar said:


> If you don’t have kids, it’s time to prepare your exit. Do your best to detach from her emotionally. Arrange your finances to ensure the best possible outcome upon your leaving. Take your time. Do this carefully, and deliberately...then dump her.


This. Take as much time as necessary and plan carefully, getting advice from this forum and from an attorney. Just having a goal and making plans will give you a sense of purpose and reinvigorate you.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

You can still move on any time you like. Never let money stop you from making very positive life changes. If you're willing to work then money will always recover.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Money is rarely ever the reason to stay in a bad marriage. Its called the Rationalization Hamster. If she has chosen the other guy, you would have had to divorce and you'd have had no choice but to deal with the financial issue. Guess what, money can be recovered, respect for a cheater is a lot harder to recover.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Regardless of kids, finances, remorse... I come to understand the reality of R does not really unveil itself to the BS until many years down the road.

*"Say a Prayer for the Pretender".*


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BURNT KEP said:


> Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially.


Take it from someone who knows, if that's how you feel just get out. Long story short, for the past few years I have found out about multiple "inappropriate" relationships my wife has had. Each time I could never find anything 100% conclusive that there was an actual affair. Because I had never found anything that was 100% concrete, even though my gut told me otherwise, I was staying and trying to work on our relationship because of our young son. Well I recently found out 100% for sure that she has been having having an affair, with a friend of mine for almost 30 years no less, and now the divorce is in motion.

Things may level out but that thought in their heads doesn't stop. If the opportunity presents itself, they will take it again. I followed my heart instead of my gut and I got played. But the best part about all of it now, is that because she got caught with a friend, part of group of friends who all basically grew up together and whose kids have all grown up together, now both of them have been completely outcast and have almost no one left. They not only destroyed two marriages but destroyed countless friendships in the process.

Check the laws in your state, it may be a little rough at the beginning, but you may not be as bad off financially as you think when everything is settled.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> Take it from someone who knows, if that's how you feel just get out. Long story short, for the past few years I have found out about multiple "inappropriate" relationships my wife has had. Each time I could never find anything 100% conclusive that there was an actual affair. Because I had never found anything that was 100% concrete, even though my gut told me otherwise, I was staying and trying to work on our relationship because of our young son. Well I recently found out 100% for sure that she has been having having an affair, with a friend of mine for almost 30 years no less, and now the divorce is in motion.
> 
> Things may level out but that thought in their heads doesn't stop. If the opportunity presents itself, they will take it again. I followed my heart instead of my gut and I got played. But the best part about all of it now, is that because she got caught with a friend, part of group of friends who all basically grew up together and whose kids have all grown up together, now both of them have been completely outcast and have almost no one left. They not only destroyed two marriages but destroyed countless friendships in the process.
> 
> Check the laws in your state, it may be a little rough at the beginning, but you may not be as bad off financially as you think when everything is settled.


That's just it right? Poor character doesn't just happen in a bubble. Being able to compartmentalize and lie repeatedly to your primary relationship is a symptom of being someone who brings a lot of risk to one's life especially if you are in a partnership with that person. This is why I really have a problem who push for R f the WS is contrite, like cheating doesn't have any relationship to the type of person these people are, or the potential future you are going to have. Especially long term cheating.  They are a huge risk that doesn't change even if they are sorry. 

Lets say you had a business with someone who you know cheats on their taxes (there is your first mistake). Lets say you also can tell that there are other things they are willing to push the limits on to get gratification, stealing cable things like that. Now you shouldn't be surprised when you catch them starting to embezzle money in this company you started. Not sure if there would even be a question about staying partners with this person after that. I mean logically is it safe to tie your entire financial future up in someone who is so reckless and destructive? I think we all know the answer is no. This is entirely the same thing except it's your emotional future and very often financial that is tied to your unfaithful spouse. 

I absolutely DON'T believe that long term cheating on ones spouse is an isolated character flaw and that that kind of behavior doesn't affect all aspects of that person's life. Cheating is only one end result of that flaw, there will be others. The point is unless there is a massive Olympian level of focus on changing by your WS you are just not safe. @BURNT KEP you may feel you are safe but one day she may have an affair with someone else and just decide to leave you. Her character is going to make her a risk whether you want to deal with it or not. At least if you are proactive you have some ability to manage the fallout. Proceed at your own risk.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

ABHale said:


> I have read a few of your posts from your first thread. Why did you stay?
> 
> Do you have kids?
> 
> ...


I have 4 kids also I started a new job a few years ago so with travel and my hours working a 2nd job would be tough.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

BURNT KEP said:


> I have 4 kids also I started a new job a few years ago so with travel and my hours working a 2nd job would be tough.


Understand and know the feeling.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Understand and know the feeling.


I having problems paying my bills on what we are bringing in now. How would i support 2 households on the same? I have cut pretty much all I can but it is still not enough.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BURNT KEP said:


> I having problems paying my bills on what we are bringing in now. How would i support 2 households on the same? I have cut pretty much all I can but it is still not enough.


Listen, I am going to try and help one more time. 

You are being a fool, you know it, everyone knows it. Is she working, surely she is, right. 

You are being a work mule and even at that you are not even a well treated mule. Brother, I hurt for you. You have got to find out where she put your balls. 

Short on money, sell the recording set up and use that for an attorney, how about that. 

If you want to live this way, you can. But if you stopped doing everything for everyone, and if you stopped letting her have whatever she wants, you might be able to get enough money together. 

Frankly, living in a one bed room efficiency that to live with this woman. 

I truly wish you would have some type of self respect, if you die as a martyr, you still die. 

I really hope you can find the courage to leave this marriage, but you probably won't.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell your wayward to get a job.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

bib, wrote, *Tell your wayward to get a job.*

Wait wasn't the affair with a co-worker, dammed if you do, dammed if you don't.

I know a wayward can find sex if they look for it but there is a special anxiety that goes along with them going back to a similar place to where the first affair took place.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

BURNT KEP said:


> I having problems paying my bills on what we are bringing in now. How would i support 2 households on the same? I have cut pretty much all I can but it is still not enough.


Your in an unhappy marriage and living a lifestyle you can't afford and not bringing you pleasure. If you divorce you'll take a cash hit but at least you give yourself an opportunity to find some happiness in your life. After my divorce I never realized how much I spent to have a wife. My overall expenses are so much less being single than married.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BURNT KEP said:


> I having problems paying my bills on what we are bringing in now. How would i support 2 households on the same? I have cut pretty much all I can but it is still not enough.


You separate and she will have to pick up some slack. You may have to downsize your house. Everyone will survive.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

From being on this forum, and seeing a few people irl who go through reconciliation after cheating in their marriages, I can somewhat see why they do, but I think like you say OP, it would forever change the relationship. It's not too late to let your marriage go, and like others say, it would be hard, but I think your mental well being is priceless, and worth fighting for. I hope you find peace with it all.


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## hoblob (Mar 28, 2018)

Clearly don’t want To leave her since you haven’t even spoken with an attorney. You basically took her back and she faced zero consequences and doesn’t even feel bad about what she did.
Speak with a lawyer and see how it may all pan out for you.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

hoblob said:


> Clearly don’t want To leave her since you haven’t even spoken with an attorney. You basically took her back and she faced zero consequences and doesn’t even feel bad about what she did.
> Speak with a lawyer and see how it may all pan out for you.


I have spoken with an attorney I know what my obligations would be. She also works (not in the same place) but the fact that she does not have a college degree the money she makes is not enough. One of my kids just graduated college and another is in their 3rd year and one starts this upcoming fall. So I have some loans that I took out for them that’s part of the money problem. If I left and even got a room in someone’s basement I am still not sure I would have enough to survive. And there is no way anyone could afford the house even though it has a very low mortgage for our area. 

I know I need to get off my ass and figure out how to get out. At least that’s my plan.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Are the loans in just your name? Can the kids help pay back the loans when the get a job?
Btw does she know your unhappy and looking to leave?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BURNT KEP said:


> Short story is that ww cheated on me with a co worker and started making plans to leave me and move in together. Well she wound up staying with me and things are ok but if I could have looked into the future I would have let them be a happy little couple and I would have just moved on. Once a spouse cheats it just changes the entire relationship and not for the better. I think I just want out I just don’t see how I can do it financially.


*If hindsight were indeed 20/20, I would have walked away from my RSXW during the early stages of our courtship.

But I was smitten and just too deep in love, with blinders on, and with an inordinate amount of oxytocin resonating through my bloodstream!*


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

BURNT KEP said:


> I know I need to get off my ass and figure out how to get out. At least that’s my plan.


BK,

Exactly. The first step in problem resolution is identifying (admitting) there is a problem. The second, formulating a plan to remedy the issues. 

However, *LIMBO-STATUS-QUO *is not a viable plan. You seem to be bound by finances? Talk with a financial planner, debt restructuring, eliminate fluff like cable, mags, eating out, anything that sucks funds from paying down principle. Interest on student loans is vicious and can never be forgiven and will follow you forever. And for god's sake when your children are earning, have them pay down the principle too.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

At some point you decided that your wife holds more value than you. She got to decide to have an affair.. then to leave you.. then to stay... the whole time you sat there like a little puppy waiting for his tummy rub.

Go see a lawyer and find out the actual numbers for this divorce for starters.

Having to work harder for money wont be that much more effort than having to live with a cheating spouse you dont want anymore


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I went from a combined household income of over $150K - which is very good money in my very low cost-of-living area - to a single household income of right at $40K. And that figure includes the state minimum child support I'm receiving. 

My ex-husband got a substantial raise shortly after our divorce and now makes more alone what we once did as a couple. With his new wife, they're now enjoying a household income of over $300K. And yet, he is still broke all the time. Because he cannot manage money or make sound financial decisions. Being a functional alcoholic serial cheater adrenaline junkie with a gambling habit who likes nice things, is expensive. Meanwhile, I'm more financially stable than I was when I was married because I manage money well and live within my means. 

And now that my son has just graduated high school and will be moving to college in a couple months, I'm free to find a better-paying job that will make my life even more financially comfortable. My ex-husband is still a guy who can't keep it in his pants and can't manage to live on an income that eclipses the average in our area by a wide margin without drowning in debt. Did I take a financial hit when I divorced? Absolutely. Would I do it again? Absolutely. Some things are just worth it. My mental, emotional, and physical health, and the long-term happiness of both myself and our son, are some of those things that are worth it to me.

My one regret is that I wasted nearly 3 years in a false R attempt, rather than cutting my ex-husband loose immediately when I caught him in an EA. But, then, I didn't know he was a serial cheater then - and divorced him just as soon as I found out - so I don't see much point in crying over spilled milk.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I remember well on May 12th 2017 when I caught my wife at the hotel I begged her to "Let me go!".
I didn't realize It was me that had to let me go....
I let myself go, finally. Life's better now.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Life is hard after divorce, that much I can say. It's hard emotionally for awhile, and it's hard financially. But after nearly a year of having stepped back from my marriage, I can see just how toxic it was, and even though I'm struggling financially, I'm much happier, and am in a MUCH better place and state of mind. You have one life, and it's important to live a life that makes you happy.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

StillSearching said:


> I remember well on May 12th 2017 when I caught my wife at the hotel I begged her to "Let me go!".


August 5, 2009, 7:30 pm. I remember exactly where I was when I got that phone call. Life changing moment.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

RWB said:


> August 5, 2009, 7:30 pm. I remember exactly where I was when I got that phone call. Life changing moment.


I don’t even remember d day or when it was but I have been on here since 2012. It’s a long time.


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## Mstanton (Feb 8, 2011)

As soon as someone cheats on you - it's like an open door to freedom. You should have played that card for all it was worth, at the time.


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