# Am I wrong?



## Katie707

I have been married 15 years. My husband has always raced cars, it’s VERY time consuming. I hoped one day he would out grow it. Well he did stop racing. First a little back story he has 2 children which were never in his life our entire marriage until the last 3 years. He sees his son one night and found out his son wanted to race cars. His son is 35 with a family of his own. Racing takes 4 nights a week to work on cars. I have had other family things going on like family weddings in another town for example my husband could not attend because of racing. I am 50 years old and I am extremely lonely. I know if I make him choose he will be full of resentment and I don’t want to be the evil step mother. 

How long do I keep doing this? We were going to build a new house but I know that’s not going to happen with racing so I told him don’t bother. I do family weddings, funerals alone. I am so bitter now I don’t participate in any of his family things because of so many broken promises. .......what to do... thank you for reading and helping.


ETA - my husband was never on that track without me there I supported him the entire time. I was looking forward to doing other things after he quit, we bought a camper. I Have never said and never will say it’s me or the racing.


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## x598

well you picked him him knowing this "hoping for a change" so yeah...

whats odd to me, is I know plenty of familys that race, and while the wives may not be turning wrenches in the garage, they attend the races and participate in other ways.


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## Lostinthought61

Don't marry someone hoping they will change.


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## LimaTango

Hi Katie707,

Oh man. Sorry to hear about your situation but you'll get some great advice/questions here. I have some experience myself in getting a little overboard with hobbies. If the situation isn't corrected, YOUR resentment you build up can be fatal to your marriage.

Tell us about the things you've done to communicate with him about your unhappiness. Does your H know how you feel?

Is he roughly your same age?

If your H were super attentive to you the other 3 non-racing days, is it possible you could feel loved and supported?

One suggestion I have for you is a book "5 love languages."

All for now.


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## WorkingWife

I don't think you're right or wrong but I'm curious to know more about how you're handling this.

*What *have you said to him about the racing? I can understand him reconnecting with his son and really getting into the racing again, but I can't understand him missing funerals and weddings over it. Or changing home building plans over it. Or giving up camping with you.

It seems that a 50+ man should be mature enough to understand the racing is a hobby but at this point in life he doesn't have to be at EVERY event. He should be able to enjoy it when it's not interfering in other things, and not feel like a disapointed 10 year old if something less "fun" but more "important" comes up -- like attending a wedding or funeral with his wife. Or even spending time with his wife on a regular basis.

Anyhow, I may have some suggestions for you but I'm curious to know how you have approached this so far and just what you have said to him when he chooses racing with his son over being by your side when it's important to you.






Katie707 said:


> I have been married 15 years. My husband has always raced cars, it’s VERY time consuming. I hoped one day he would out grow it. Well he did stop racing. First a little back story he has 2 children which were never in his life our entire marriage until the last 3 years. He sees his son one night and found out his son wanted to race cars. His son is 35 with a family of his own. Racing takes 4 nights a week to work on cars. I have had other family things going on like family weddings in another town for example my husband could not attend because of racing. I am 50 years old and I am extremely lonely. I know if I make him choose he will be full of resentment and I don’t want to be the evil step mother.
> 
> How long do I keep doing this? We were going to build a new house but I know that’s not going to happen with racing so I told him don’t bother. I do family weddings, funerals alone. I am so bitter now I don’t participate in any of his family things because of so many broken promises. .......what to do... thank you for reading and helping.
> 
> 
> ETA - my husband was never on that track without me there I supported him the entire time. I was looking forward to doing other things after he quit, we bought a camper. I Have never said and never will say it’s me or the racing.


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## Prodigal

Katie707 said:


> ETA - my husband was never on that track without me there I supported him the entire time. I was looking forward to doing other things after he quit, we bought a camper. I Have never said and *never will say it’s me or the racing.*


So why does it matter if you're right or wrong? You have made a decision to not give your husband an ultimatum. So there ya go. The best thing you can do is accept this is the life you have chosen.


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## MattMatt

This racing does seem like an obsession with him.


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## Mr.Married

Katie707 said:


> My husband has always raced cars, it’s VERY time consuming. I hoped one day he would out grow it.


You knew it when you married him.


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## Laurentium

WorkingWife said:


> I'm curious to know how you have approached this so far and just what you have said to him when he chooses racing with his son over being by your side when it's important to you.


Yeah, same as the above. What happened when you tried to talk about this?


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## personofinterest

x598 said:


> well you picked him him knowing this "hoping for a change" so yeah...
> 
> whats odd to me, is I know plenty of familys that race, and while the wives may not be turning wrenches in the garage, they attend the races and participate in other ways.


You may not have read her full post.

She stated very clearly that when he was still racing she was always there with him.

So yeah....reading the whole post is important.


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## MattMatt

personofinterest said:


> You may not have read her full post.
> 
> She stated very clearly that when he was still racing she was always there with him.
> 
> So yeah....reading the whole post is important.


I think it might have been a case of:

"Hurrah! He stopped racing!"

"Boo, he started racing again!"


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## personofinterest

MattMatt said:


> I think it might have been a case of:
> 
> "Hurrah! He stopped racing!"
> 
> "Boo, he started racing again!"


I think so as well.

My husband no longer works on racecars or at the track, but he still likes to go watch.

I confess: I don't care all that much about the dirt track or drag racing. I go with him a couple of times a month, and the other times, he hangs with his buddy whose son races. While he is gone doing that, I do stuff he doesn't participate in, like my songwriting and dinner with a girlfriend or a Netflix binge lol

There is absolutely no way my husband would blow off important family things to go to the track, however.


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## x598

personofinterest said:


> You may not have read her full post.
> 
> She stated very clearly that when he was still racing she was always there with him.
> 
> So yeah....reading the whole post is important.


no I read her post. what I got out of it was that in the beginning she did participate....but no so much (or if at all) now. or even worse, now resents her husband for his dedication to racing (that she knew about from day one) and wants him to give it up (back to that hoping he would "change").

im sure for some people, they do loose interest in their hobbies/passions over time. but for many, as things progress (especially in racing) they get deeper involved as they climb towards higher levels of the sport.


she has made a couple statements where hi missed a funeral or a wedding. OK, but are these isolated examples in all the years he has been doing this, and can she honestly say he never participates in any other social or family functions? I highly doubt that but it sounds good if you are looking for a sympathetic ear.


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## personofinterest

x598 said:


> no I read her post. what I got out of it was that in the beginning she did participate....but no so much (or if at all) now. or even worse, now resents her husband for his dedication to racing (that she knew about from day one) and wants him to give it up (back to that hoping he would "change").
> 
> im sure for some people, they do loose interest in their hobbies/passions over time. but for many, as things progress (especially in racing) they get deeper involved as they climb towards higher levels of the sport.
> 
> 
> she has made a couple statements where hi missed a funeral or a wedding. OK, but are these isolated examples in all the years he has been doing this, and can she honestly say he never participates in any other social or family functions? I highly doubt that but it sounds good if you are looking for a sympathetic ear.


Let me break it down:

The entire time her husband was racing, she was supportive

When the SON (who husband had little to do with for 35 years) started racing, her husband began spending several nights a week with him doing the racing thing again, neglecting family in order to do so.

So yeah.......no

You are incorrect.


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## x598

personofinterest said:


> Let me break it down:
> 
> The entire time her husband was racing, she was supportive
> 
> When the SON (who husband had little to do with for 35 years) started racing, her husband began spending several nights a week with him doing the racing thing again, neglecting family in order to do so.
> 
> So yeah.......no
> 
> You are incorrect.


says the OP. and neglecting what family? time with his son? is that not family? just because he had little to do with prior, is he not supposed to be involved with him now? I would argue it s exactly what he should be doing.

here is the thing....there are two sides to every story, and we are only getting one, and its human nature to throw stuff out to help your cause or garner sympathy for your situation. So rather then making a rash "you are incorrect" judgment, I am trying to look at this from both sides. I know that's a difficult concept around here, even this place has become polarized with the crowd of who is right and who is wrong. And even the OP admitted she knew full well how dedicated he was to this yet now laments the bed she made for herself.


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## WorkingWife

personofinterest said:


> Let me break it down:
> 
> The entire time her husband was racing, she was supportive
> 
> When the SON (who husband had little to do with for 35 years) started racing, her husband began spending several nights a week with him doing the racing thing again, neglecting family in order to do so.
> 
> So yeah.......no
> 
> You are incorrect.


Yeah, I'm interested to see if she's said what/how she has communicated her desire for him to be with her for important events and just spending time together in general.

If what she wrote is accurate, it sounds like he basically dumped his wife for his long lost son. I suspect it's not just the "racing" so much as his connecting with his son OVER the racing, which may mean a lot to him. He probably has a lot of guilt and regret over whatever kept them apart for so long, and a lot of joy over getting his son back. But it sounds like he's lost perspective over it. And he's totally neglecting his wife and marriage because he's so focused on his son and racing.


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## x598

WorkingWife said:


> Yeah, I'm interested to see if she's said what/how she has communicated her desire for him to be with her for important events and just spending time together in general.
> 
> If what she wrote is accurate, it sounds like he basically dumped his wife for his long lost son. I suspect it's not just the "racing" so much as his connecting with his son OVER the racing, which may mean a lot to him. He probably has a lot of guilt and regret over whatever kept them apart for so long, and a lot of joy over getting his son back. But it sounds like he's lost perspective over it. And he's totally neglecting his wife and marriage because he's so focused on his son and racing.


are you really expecting to get an honest answer or portrayal of what really happened? yeah of course she is going to she is going to say she "told him she needed more quality time" or whatever with her husband. and even if she did, what does that mean? Give up racing? or just a few more family gatherings that have nothing to do with racing?

my point is, that we as human beings are so bad a really communicating we cant even hold a conversation anymore. its all viewed from a perspective of "I'm right, you are WRONG" lens.....just like politics where if you are for one thing then the other side is automatically AGAINST it, no matter what. even this place its like there is a war or contest of words when we don't even have all the facts.


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## personofinterest

x598 said:


> are you really expecting to get an honest answer or portrayal of what really happened? yeah of course she is going to she is going to say she "told him she needed more quality time" or whatever with her husband. and even if she did, what does that mean? Give up racing? or just a few more family gatherings that have nothing to do with racing?
> 
> my point is, that we as human beings are so bad a really communicating we cant even hold a conversation anymore. its all viewed from a perspective of "I'm right, you are WRONG" lens.....just like politics where if you are for one thing then the other side is automatically AGAINST it, no matter what. even this place its like there is a war or contest of words when we don't even have all the facts.


Are you an avid racer? You are awfully defensive about a STRANGER's issue...

If you think a poster is going to lie, why even be on the thread?


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## x598

personofinterest said:


> Are you an avid racer? You are awfully defensive about a STRANGER's issue...
> 
> If you think a poster is going to lie, why even be on the thread?


not at all but I have done my share of it. not trying to sound defensive about anything, just trying to suggest people come here only seeing things from their perspective and try to sway the answers to what they WANT to hear.

I mean this is like a court room of public opinion. you think one side is gonna do or say anything that cast them in a bad light? NOT. so while i'm not calling the OP a liar.... I am questioning and taking what thrown out there with a big "maybe" and trying to look at both sides of the equation.


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## Robert22205

How long does racing season last?
Is it 4 nights a week 52 weeks of the year?
What time does he get home after racing?

Does he come right home after the race/repairs or going out drinking?

Does your husband own the car?
Is your husband a driver (or is it the son)?

Is your husband subsidizing the 35yo son's racing hobby?
Racing sounds expensive - how does it impact your budget, including retirement plans?

What bad happens if he skips a night?

Do you guys have children (and do you feel he's neglecting them)?


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## wilson

I'm leaning towards cutting him some slack since he was involved with racing when you met. It was something he was into when you met and you knew about the time commitment. He could have been racing this whole time rather than taking that break. However, you have your own needs and the life you wanted when you were 35 isn't necessarily the same you want when you're 50. 

I think it's fair to ask him to cut back some days from racing, but I wouldn't ask him to give it up completely. Is it 4 or 5 days a week he's doing it? I could see maybe more like 2 days or occasionally 3. And also if there's an event (like the wedding) which would be typical for you to go as a couple, then he should go with you. You are his wife and you should be his priority. He can still have other interests, but you should feel like you are his #1 interest.


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## BluesPower

On one level, I could understand that at 50, and he is probably older by a little, the it might be ok to say: 

"I love you, I want you to be happy, but at 50, I would like for you to cut back to the bare minimum. I want to have more time with you, and not just at the race track." 

Now, he could say no, and there are a lot of other possibilities with divorce being one of them. But to me, I think asking him to cut back, is not so much. 

On the other hand, when I was younger, I had an ExW, wife at the time, ask me to stop playing music...

Now of course she is one of my ExW's...


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## personofinterest

I think this is a situation where compromise would work well. Obviously he loves racing, and it is a good reconnect with his son. However, a balanced approach doesn't involve 4-5 nights and ducking out of family events. I like the idea of a couple of nights a week, maybe 3. Could you use the 4th "night" as a holding spot for a regular date night? That would help the two of you reconnect.

Also, you could find a hobby or activity to do on the nights he is helping his son. For example, my hubby participates in a activity that happens to fall on the same night as most of the open mic nights in our area. He does his club thing (not a nightclub, a hobby club), and I take a friend to whatever open mic. If there's no open mic, sometimes I go with him if he is fishing by himself. Or if there's no fishing, he comes to open mic.

It goes without saying that in a healthy marriage the spouse should come first.

The end

Saying "It's always been this way" does not preclude changing for the better.


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## 3Xnocharm

BluesPower said:


> On the other hand, when I was younger, *I had an ExW, wife at the time, ask me to stop playing music*...
> 
> Now of course she is one of my ExW's...


That's a BIG NO!


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## WorkingWife

x598 said:


> are you really expecting to get an honest answer or portrayal of what really happened? yeah of course she is going to she is going to say she "told him she needed more quality time" or whatever with her husband. and even if she did, what does that mean? Give up racing? or just a few more family gatherings that have nothing to do with racing?
> 
> my point is, that we as human beings are so bad a really communicating we cant even hold a conversation anymore. its all viewed from a perspective of "I'm right, you are WRONG" lens.....just like politics where if you are for one thing then the other side is automatically AGAINST it, no matter what. even this place its like there is a war or contest of words when we don't even have all the facts.


Dang, that sounds so cynical. You don't have all the facts either yet you've already written her off as a liar with "_are you really expecting to get an honest answer..._". All we know is she is a person on an anonymous forum asking for advice. How do we know we get an honest answer or portrayal from anyone on here? If the assumption is everyone is a liar and only capable of considering their own side of the story, then what is the point in answering anyone's questions?

I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Afterall, it's not like if we all say "You are right, he is wrong!" that she gets to declare herself the victor and tell him no more racing. She already said she would never ask him to choose between her and racing. Sounds to me like she is doubting herself and just looking for some insight from those who can be more objective.


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## WorkingWife

personofinterest said:


> It goes without saying that in a healthy marriage the spouse should come first.


And yet, it seems it needs to be said. Again and again for some!



personofinterest said:


> Saying "It's always been this way" does not preclude changing for the better.


Exactly. People change and evolve as they age. If one partner loses his or her enthusiasm for a shared hobby/passion, a smart couple would look for something they BOTH enjoy to replace or at least supplement it. You don't just say "well, 30 years ago you liked it, so screw you."


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## SongoftheSouth

This is a tough call Kate. I have a neighbor that is dirt track racer and it is a serious commitment as you stated, incredibly time consuming. He is very financially sound so he can fund this thing that he loves doing. Its really a way of life for him and his family. I like that your husband is connecting with his kid and sharing a common love, but at the same time I get your needs and frustration. Have you expressed your concerns to him as you have here? I think you have stated it well to a bunch of internet strangers so maybe you can articulate it to him. It sounds to me that he is not looking to go back racing himself but trying to help jr. get his cars right so he can be competitive and he needs dads help.


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