# New and looking for an advice



## Unblazed

Hi all, I am new to this forum and wondering what you could suggest regarding the situation I am currently in, any ideas are welcome and very much appreciated.

I have been married for about 10 years and a couple of weeks ago, my wife, out of the blue, declared that she does not love me anymore and there is someone else. This came of course as a shock and I did not know what to make of this, since all this time we had great time together and I never thought this can happen (boy was I wrong).
Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me. 
I have discovered some stuff and know the guy's name and his phone number (she does not know that). I also know that he does not seem to want to start anything serious with her, and I know that she told him that she told me about her plans with him, at what he seems to be not very excited about, and told her a few times that he does not want jeopardize anything. I believe he currently has a family with kids. I am not sure if my wife is loosing her mind or going through some deep emotional crisis, but still I want to be prepared for the outcome. She is currently very polite and nice, does everything again around the house, but I think its because he rejected her. She says now she needs to think things over and does not know what she will do, great, very comforting! We sleep in different rooms now. 

Knowing all this should I wait things to calm down a little bit, and write this off as some wet teenage impulse thing (although woman is 38 years of age)?
Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that. I feel very stupid and like someone dumped raw sewage on me, wondering if there are interesting ideas how I can go around this, even in terms of revenge or to make her leave the house?

Thanks


----------



## Al_Bundy

Obviously talk to a lawyer, you might be somewhere you still have the option of an at fault divorce. As far as giving her half, you can give her half now or half later on down the road when it's a much bigger pie. 

The main thing is you now know you are her back up guy, Plan B. Is that how you want to live? Just wait around until she can find another sucker to take her in? Take action for yourself, don't sit there and wait for her almighty decision about where your life is going.


----------



## Diana7

Do you have children? 
Do you think they have slept together?
Her idea of wanting some sort of open relationship would be a no no for most spouses. I personally would see that as an end to the marriage. 
Staying with someone because you will have less money/assets seems wrong. There are more important things in life than that.

I would never go down the revenge route, but I do think his poor wife needs to know what her husband is up to.


----------



## TexasMom1216

She broke your marriage vows. It is no longer for her to decide what she wants to do. You do what you think is best. Understand, though, if you let her stay, this will happen again.


----------



## Trident

Unblazed said:


> , if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that


Depending on your state, if you haven't yet hit that 10 year mark you might save a bundle in spousal maintenance. Check your state laws and support calculators and see if waiting is going to really cost you. 

You will be left with half your assets but you won't be supporting her cheating ass anymore.


----------



## Unblazed

Al_Bundy said:


> Obviously talk to a lawyer, you might be somewhere you still have the option of an at fault divorce. As far as giving her half, you can give her half now or half later on down the road when it's a much bigger pie.
> 
> The main thing is you now know you are her back up guy, Plan B. Is that how you want to live? Just wait around until she can find another sucker to take her in? Take action for yourself, don't sit there and wait for her almighty decision about where your life is going.


I have already spoke to a lawyer and he basically told me that when divorce happens it basically just the arithmetic and everything gets split even. Other suggestions I heard is to try to iron this out nicely and make her an offer, for example everything she contributed towards the mortgage in our house, I could pay that back if she leaves. But she does not seem to want to do that yet, because this morning she gave me a $14000 cheque to make a payment towards the mortgage (we do that every year). Is that a good sign or a bad sign?
Now your second point is where I get stuck and wonder about this, if this happened once, can it happen again? My wife isn't the easiest person to get along with, she is pretty attractive but I don't think she is that of a catch for someone successful to leave their family to be with. Lately woman just smokes weed all day and sleeps when she is not working, I don't know what the hell is going on anymore..
I found those message on her phone the day she flipped out at me, it almost felt like I was reading messages of some 17 year old in heat sent to Justin Bieber.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Midlife crises are a real thing, and they happen to women just like they do to men. Sounds like that's what happening here. Bottom line, you shouldn't let her drag you down with her. She's paying the mortgage because as is the case with most cheaters, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

I'm surprised if you have proof of infidelity she still gets half. Divorce laws are a nightmare. At-fault divorces shouldn't result in the injured party losing half their belongings.


----------



## Trident

Unblazed said:


> But she does not seem to do that yet, because this morning she gave a $14000 cheque to make a payment towards the mortgage (we do that every year). Is that a good sign or a bad sign?


It's a sign that she wants to keep you calm and quiet and accepting of her cheating ways while she maintains her comfortable lifestyle.

It's a bad sign. It means you'll have to push ahead with the divorce on your own and she won't go quietly which means it could get expensive. Or continue to live with a person who is screwing another guy without a care in the world for the guy she was supposed to be committed to for life.


----------



## Unblazed

Diana7 said:


> Do you have children?
> Do you think they have slept together?
> Her idea of wanting some sort of open relationship would be a no no for most spouses. I personally would see that as an end to the marriage.
> Staying with someone because you will have less money/assets seems wrong. There are more important things in life than that.
> 
> I would never go down the revenge route, but I do think his poor wife needs to know what her husband is up to.


We don't have any children, and in fact that's what binds us (well at least it was initially). We both never wanted to have kids. But I agree with your point that it can't go on like that, what I don't understand is that how serious she is about this or not, maybe it will just pass, falling in love blah blah. This happened to me when I was in my 20s, but come one, you are almost 40, what love are you talking about? From what I can see that guys probably just wants to have sex with her for a while and then dump, which I told her and she seems to agree (the scary part). I don't know if she is just overly depressed


----------



## Trident

Unblazed said:


> From what I can see that guys probably just wants to have sex with her for a while and then dump, which I told her and she seems to agree (the scary part).


How'd that conversation go exactly? "Honey, you know when this guy is done screwing you, he's just going to dump you". Her "Yes I know but there will always be other guys willing to fill the position".

How about throwing all her stuff out the freaking window.. for starters?

Your passivity is the scary part.


----------



## Unblazed

Trident said:


> How'd that conversation go exactly? "Honey, you know when this guy is done screwing you, he's just going to dump you". Her "Yes I know but there will always be other guys willing to fill the position".
> 
> How about throwing all her stuff out the freaking window.. for starters?
> 
> Your passivity is the scary part.


As far I know they didn't have any physical relations yet, and the conversation was basically how she wants him blah blah, with him not responding at all. If I throw her things out she would probably call the cops, technically its her home also and she was paying for it. I live in Ontario Canada, and can't find anything for at fault divorce.
I am just wondering if I should send an anonymous text to the guy that my wife is a nut case and maybe share some things he would find not very pleasant, and then divorce her, but that's the rough road and would probably end up in court.
I am currently thinking to give it a month or so, and see if she comes to her right mind, she did apologize and cried already, but still says she loves him and it gives her anxiety, which does not really help me any.
tough situation


----------



## Trident

Unblazed said:


> If I throw her things out she would probably call the cops, technically its her home also and she was paying for it.


I didn't say throw her out. I said throw all her stuff out the window. It's sending a message.


----------



## Unblazed

TexasMom1216 said:


> Midlife crises are a real thing, and they happen to women just like they do to men. Sounds like that's what happening here. Bottom line, you shouldn't let her drag you down with her. She's paying the mortgage because as is the case with most cheaters, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
> 
> I'm surprised if you have proof of infidelity she still gets half. Divorce laws are a nightmare. At-fault divorces shouldn't result in the injured party losing half their belongings.


I brought her over from states (thanks btw) and she already divorced once, but from what I know that was an abusive relationship. I was anything but nice to her all this time, so that's why it is so hard for me to understand this. We don't have infidelity and just never wanted kids, so that's off the table


----------



## Unblazed

Trident said:


> I didn't say throw her out. I said throw all her stuff out the window. It's sending a message.


I kinda did this already and sent the message through my and her parents, both parties are fully aware and I don't think they are siding with her (at least my parents don't). If she is not in the right mind throwing stuff out the window could lead to unexpected actions from her side, what if is she damages the car or does something in that aspect, there are tons of things she can break.


----------



## Memphi70

Unblazed said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum and wondering what you could suggest regarding the situation I am currently in, any ideas are welcome and very much appreciated.
> 
> I have been married for about 10 years and a couple of weeks ago, my wife, out of the blue, declared that she does not love me anymore and there is someone else. This came of course as a shock and I did not know what to make of this, since all this time we had great time together and I never thought this can happen (boy was I wrong).
> Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me.
> I have discovered some stuff and know the guy's name and his phone number (she does not know that). I also know that he does not seem to want to start anything serious with her, and I know that she told him that she told me about her plans with him, at what he seems to be not very excited about, and told her a few times that he does not want jeopardize anything. I believe he currently has a family with kids. I am not sure if my wife is loosing her mind or going through some deep emotional crisis, but still I want to be prepared for the outcome. She is currently very polite and nice, does everything again around the house, but I think its because he rejected her. She says now she needs to think things over and does not know what she will do, great, very comforting! We sleep in different rooms now.
> 
> Knowing all this should I wait things to calm down a little bit, and write this off as some wet teenage impulse thing (although woman is 38 years of age)?
> Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that. I feel very stupid and like someone dumped raw sewage on me, wondering if there are interesting ideas how I can go around this, even in terms of revenge or to make her leave the house?
> 
> Thanks


Very sorry for what you are going through. I went through something similar. You need time to take care of yourself. I hate to say it but if she has done this once she will do it again. She wants her cake and eat it too as the saying goes. Do what’s best for you and good luck.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Unblazed said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum and wondering what you could suggest regarding the situation I am currently in, any ideas are welcome and very much appreciated.
> 
> I have been married for about 10 years and a couple of weeks ago, my wife, out of the blue, declared that she does not love me anymore and there is someone else. This came of course as a shock and I did not know what to make of this, since all this time we had great time together and I never thought this can happen (boy was I wrong).
> Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me.
> I have discovered some stuff and know the guy's name and his phone number (she does not know that). I also know that he does not seem to want to start anything serious with her, and I know that she told him that she told me about her plans with him, at what he seems to be not very excited about, and told her a few times that he does not want jeopardize anything. I believe he currently has a family with kids. I am not sure if my wife is loosing her mind or going through some deep emotional crisis, but still I want to be prepared for the outcome. She is currently very polite and nice, does everything again around the house, but I think its because he rejected her. She says now she needs to think things over and does not know what she will do, great, very comforting! We sleep in different rooms now.
> 
> Knowing all this should I wait things to calm down a little bit, and write this off as some wet teenage impulse thing (although woman is 38 years of age)?
> Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that. I feel very stupid and like someone dumped raw sewage on me, wondering if there are interesting ideas how I can go around this, even in terms of revenge or to make her leave the house?
> 
> Thanks


Well of course she's going to get half of everything because she's half of the marriage partnership. I really shouldn't be your main consideration here.

She's just going to keep doing this if you stay with her. I can't even imagine sitting and putting up with it and I don't think you can talk her out of it. I think it's time to give her half of everything and move on.

The norm is to do 50/50 joint custody so that you each have the kids the same amount of time usually that will keep you from having to pay child support and it will keep you in your kids' lives.


----------



## GusPolinski

Unblazed said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum and wondering what you could suggest regarding the situation I am currently in, any ideas are welcome and very much appreciated.
> 
> I have been married for about 10 years and a couple of weeks ago, my wife, out of the blue, declared that she does not love me anymore and there is someone else. This came of course as a shock and I did not know what to make of this, since all this time we had great time together and I never thought this can happen (boy was I wrong).
> Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me.
> I have discovered some stuff and know the guy's name and his phone number (she does not know that). I also know that he does not seem to want to start anything serious with her, and I know that she told him that she told me about her plans with him, at what he seems to be not very excited about, and told her a few times that he does not want jeopardize anything. I believe he currently has a family with kids. I am not sure if my wife is loosing her mind or going through some deep emotional crisis, but still I want to be prepared for the outcome. She is currently very polite and nice, does everything again around the house, but I think its because he rejected her. She says now she needs to think things over and does not know what she will do, great, very comforting! We sleep in different rooms now.
> 
> Knowing all this should I wait things to calm down a little bit, and write this off as some wet teenage impulse thing (although woman is 38 years of age)?
> Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that. I feel very stupid and like someone dumped raw sewage on me, wondering if there are interesting ideas how I can go around this, even in terms of revenge or to make her leave the house?
> 
> Thanks


Start talking with lawyers. Find out if adultery matters at all when it comes to splitting assets in a divorce; in some places it matters but in many it does not.

Also, tell the other guy’s wife what’s up. She deserves to know.

Oh, and NEVER reveal how you know what you know to your wife.


----------



## SunCMars

Sorry for your bad luck.

Her kitties itch is stronger than any marital glue.
Or, so it seems.

Why do I say this??


How long did her first marriage last?
This one has lasted 10 years, you said.

I suspect she got itchy feet near the same year/time duration in her first marriage.

Her first marriage (maybe) was said to be abusive because her first husband was trying to keep her on the straight and narrow?

You have no idea if this is her first time at cheating in _your_ marriage.

She is not marriage material.

Divorce her, find another wife.


----------



## Diana7

TexasMom1216 said:


> Midlife crises are a real thing, and they happen to women just like they do to men. Sounds like that's what happening here. Bottom line, you shouldn't let her drag you down with her. She's paying the mortgage because as is the case with most cheaters, she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
> 
> I'm surprised if you have proof of infidelity she still gets half. Divorce laws are a nightmare. At-fault divorces shouldn't result in the injured party losing half their belongings.


I don't think many places have at fault divorces now.


----------



## marko polo

Your wife chose another man over you her husband. If the other man had not declined to be with her she would have already been gone.

You have no children together so maybe you should reevaluate whether or not* you* want to remain in the marriage. She attempted to replace you once already and failed. She will try again. 

Leave your marriage and find someone more compatible with you. Adultery will not influence the divorce. You can file immediately but it will not get before a judge until you have been separated for a year.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Diana7 said:


> I don't think many places have at fault divorces now.


Wow. That's revealing. Can't threadjack, but I had no idea.


----------



## Diana7

Unblazed said:


> As far I know they didn't have any physical relations yet, and the conversation was basically how she wants him blah blah, with him not responding at all. If I throw her things out she would probably call the cops, technically its her home also and she was paying for it. I live in Ontario Canada, and can't find anything for at fault divorce.
> I am just wondering if I should send an anonymous text to the guy that my wife is a nut case and maybe share some things he would find not very pleasant, and then divorce her, but that's the rough road and would probably end up in court.
> I am currently thinking to give it a month or so, and see if she comes to her right mind, she did apologize and cried already, but still says she loves him and it gives her anxiety, which does not really help me any.
> tough situation


The thing is that if he has wanted her she would no longer be with you. Are you ok with that?


----------



## Andy1001

You are now plan B. 
Plan B never becomes plan A.


----------



## Diana7

TexasMom1216 said:


> Wow. That's revealing. Can't threadjack, but I had no idea.


I know in the UK the financial aspect does not depend on who did what but on what is fair depending on children and the earnings, assets etc.


----------



## Trident

Andy1001 said:


> You are now plan B.
> Plan B never becomes plan A.


I know at least one couple, both of whom cheated on their spouses, they've been a couple for over 10 years and are getting married soon.

Never say never. 

Well I just did but never mind.

Oops I did it again


----------



## re16

You are being forced into an open marriage. Tell her to go be with her boyfriend so you can stop being plan B. You are being used.


----------



## Evinrude58

Did you say you brought her over to the states? How did you meet her? Was her previous marriage to a man overseas or an American?

So why would you want to stay married to her if you know she loves another man and Diego’s in another bedroom? Wouldn’t it be worth the cost to get rid of this albatross?


----------



## Marc878

She’s a cake eater. Dump a cheater and gain a life.

You are the only one that can make yourself a chump.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

Diana7 said:


> I don't think many places have at fault divorces now.


And they shouldn't since both spouses could have been cheating but only one got caught or had evidence for it. Most are probably never caught.


----------



## Kaliber

Hi @Unblazed, sorry you are here!
Here is your predicament: If you wait for her to come back, you will never ever truly know if she is really in or not, she will say all the right things to keep you, but once a women steps out, you are really gambling with your future if you choose to stay!
If later another man comes, a player, who wants some hot sex and fun, he will easily hook her up, and he will enjoy your wife for months, and than dump her once she asks him if she can move in with him, or he might take her, and she will divorce you, taking half your assets!

Or maybe she will tell him that her husband knows about him and she is in an open marriage (like what she did now), she didn't care if you agree or not, she had no care in the world, the fact that she did this to you in this way is a very huge sign that she has no respect for you at all, she thinks you are a chump and will stick around, warrying about losing your money over your dignity!
This scenario could drag for years, and you would have built even more assets, and the break will be even more painful!

And you know what, she will have zero respect for you if you take her back (assuming she decides to get back to you)!
She will ask herself (like all cheaters do) what kind of a man that accepts his wife back after openly cheating on him and rubbing it in his face?!!

So what do you do as a man who has dignity and self respect?!
Buddy, don't pay the full price for something that another man can get for free!


----------



## Diana7

DownByTheRiver said:


> And they shouldn't since both spouses could have been cheating but only one got caught or had evidence for it. Most are probably never caught.


Agreed.


----------



## Andy1001

Trident said:


> I know at least one couple, both of whom cheated on their spouses, they've been a couple for over 10 years and are getting married soon.
> 
> Never say never.
> 
> Well I just did but never mind.
> 
> Oops I did it again


I would call that settling.


----------



## Trident

Well no, they did pretty much what any other exclusive happy couple does when they meet and get involved with one another.

The only difference is that they did it while still married to other people.


----------



## Diana7

I believe in Canada you have to have a years separation before you can divorce.


----------



## Diana7

I believe in Canada you have to have a years separation before you can divorce.


----------



## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> Agreed.


I disagree. Wholeheartedly.


----------



## Mybabysgotit

Unblazed said:


> As far I know they didn't have any physical relations yet, and the conversation was basically how she wants him blah blah, with him not responding at all. If I throw her things out she would probably call the cops, technically its her home also and she was paying for it. I live in Ontario Canada, and can't find anything for at fault divorce.
> I am just wondering if I should send an anonymous text to the guy that my wife is a nut case and maybe share some things he would find not very pleasant, and then divorce her, but that's the rough road and would probably end up in court.
> I am currently thinking to give it a month or so, and see if she comes to her right mind, she did apologize and cried already, but still says she loves him and it gives her anxiety, which does not really help me any.
> tough situation


She's in love with him but haven't had physical relations with him yet? That's the problem right there. Women don't like or respect clueless men.


----------



## Unblazed

GusPolinski said:


> Start talking with lawyers. Find out if adultery matters at all when it comes to splitting assets in a divorce; in some places it matters but in many it does not.
> 
> Also, tell the other guy’s wife what’s up. She deserves to know.
> 
> Oh, and NEVER reveal how you know what you know to your wife.


----------



## Unblazed

GusPolinski said:


> Also, tell the other guy’s wife what’s up. She deserves to know.


That is a great idea! Thanks friend, I just need to find out who she is, but probably won't be hard since I know his name and cell. I just need to get all my ducks in order and prepare for a full assault for what she did


----------



## Unblazed

Trident said:


> It's a sign that she wants to keep you calm and quiet and accepting of her cheating ways while she maintains her comfortable lifestyle.
> 
> It's a bad sign. It means you'll have to push ahead with the divorce on your own and she won't go quietly which means it could get expensive. Or continue to live with a person who is screwing another guy without a care in the world for the guy she was supposed to be committed to for life.


You don't believe there is anything else I can do, like teach her a lesson?
I understand that she is a human being with feelings, but so am I. In fact that she experiencing something might be very real, just by knowing her for about 15 years, maybe she is unable to control her urges, I honestly don't want to let her go and suffer with some ahole she thinks she is in love.
To me marriage was always a core, and love is just a dream that comes and goes, maybe she is just going through what teenagers typically go through. I think I just need to do something here that will reset her switch.
With any action comes responsibility, and I know for a fact, I won't leave this alone.
I don't want her to leave and don't care about the money, I want her to feel what I felt.


----------



## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. Wholeheartedly.


My solicitor who was brilliant said that a divorce isn't about who did what to who but on what is best for the children, the fact that both need a place to live and what is fair.


----------



## Diana7

Unblazed said:


> You don't believe there is anything else I can do, like teach her a lesson?
> I understand that she is a human being with feelings, but so am I. In fact that she experiencing something might be very real, just by knowing her for about 15 years, maybe she is unable to control her urges, I honestly don't want to let her go and suffer with some ahole she thinks she is in love.
> To me marriage was always a core, and love is just a dream that comes and goes, maybe she is just going through what teenagers typically go through. I think I just need to do something here that will reset her switch.
> With any action comes responsibility, and I know for a fact, I won't leave this alone.
> I don't want her to leave and don't care about the money, I want her to feel what I felt.


What? Of course she can control her urges. Good grief.
You said that the OM isn't interested in being with her, so you you wouldn't be letting her to go be with anyone else.


----------



## manfromlamancha

I am sorry to hear of your predicament but as others are telling you, this is not rare or uncommon. Standard cheater stuff. And very clearly, you are her Plan B - again no doubt about this.

Now lets deal with the first thing I believe that you are doing wrong. You, for some reason, can't accept that she found a man that she wants to have sex with and finds him more attractive than you. And this may not even be her first rodeo. You seem to want to blame it on all kinds of things including her mental health, teenage behaviour?!?!? etc. You need to accept that she is a cheat, a liar, selfish and believes that she can convince you to let her screw around while supporting her. You need to make it clear that this is not the case by very simply proceeding in an orderly manner to the best divorce you can get.

And I really don't get why you don't want her to leave but want her to feel what you felt. She is a cheat! She does not care about what you felt. You might be better served to find out more about her previous marriage and whether it was as one sided as she claims.

And yes, let the POSOM's wife know what is going on. Get as much proof or recorded admissions or whatever as you can get and then let his wife know. If you do not have solid proof, he will paint you out to be some jealous husband who is mentally unstable. So make sure she sees or hears irrefutable proof!


----------



## TexasMom1216

You don’t want her to suffer with someone who doesn’t love her, you just want to punish her and hurt her. Dude. Leave. All you want is revenge. I don’t think it’s going to make you as happy as you think it will. Plus you're just wasting your own time.


----------



## GusPolinski

Unblazed said:


> That is a great idea! Thanks friend, I just need to find out who she is, but probably won't be hard since I know his name and cell. I just need to get all my ducks in order and prepare for a full assault for what she did


If you have his cell number, try plugging it into a Facebook search and see what you get back. Might make it easier to find his wife.

Also, not sure if property tax/public property tax records are a thing in Canuckistan, but if they are, you may be able to find his address using just his first and last name.


----------



## Unblazed

Kaliber said:


> Hi @Unblazed, sorry you are here!
> Here is your predicament: If you wait for her to come back, you will never ever truly know if she is really in or not, she will say all the right things to keep you, but once a women steps out, you are really gambling with your future if you choose to stay!
> If later another man comes, a player, who wants some hot sex and fun, he will easily hook her up, and he will enjoy your wife for months, and than dump her once she asks him if she can move in with him, or he might take her, and she will divorce you, taking half your assets!
> 
> Or maybe she will tell him that her husband knows about him and she is in an open marriage (like what she did now), she didn't care if you agree or not, she had no care in the world, the fact that she did this to you in this way is a very huge sign that she has no respect for you at all, she thinks you are a chump and will stick around, warrying about losing your money over your dignity!
> This scenario could drag for years, and you would have built even more assets, and the break will be even more painful!
> 
> And you know what, she will have zero respect for you if you take her back (assuming she decides to get back to you)!
> She will ask herself (like all cheaters do) what kind of a man that accepts his wife back after openly cheating on him and rubbing it in his face?!!
> 
> So what do you do as a man who has dignity and self respect?!
> Buddy, don't pay the full price for something that another man can get for free!


I totally agree what you have just said, and puzzled in the same mind. However, sometimes I feel that marriage is hard work and needs sacrifices. In terms of assets, we still contribute evenly for everything, so worst case if I declare a divorce, it will be old sold and divided evenly, then I will just buy a new house and move in by myself.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband

Give her what she wants...let her go. She is a special kind of crazy. Quit being a doormat.
Tell her You want her to be happy and you will be packing her bags so she can go live with her soulmate.

You deserve much better sir.


----------



## Trident

Unblazed said:


> I think I just need to do something here that will reset her switch.


Oh she's getting her switch reset alright, don't you worry about that.


----------



## jlg07

Diana7 said:


> I know in the UK the financial aspect does not depend on who did what but on what is fair depending on children and the earnings, assets etc.


I found this for Ontario Canada:








Adultery and Affairs: Understanding the Basis for Divorce in Ontario - FamilyLLB


Adultery And Affairs The only ground for divorce in Canada is the breakdown of a marriage. This can be proven in three ways: (1) The spouses have lived




familyllb.com





OBVIOUSLY listen to your lawyers and not this page -- this is just for info.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Expose the affair. Friends, family and the other betrayed spouse.


----------



## Tested_by_stress

Diana7 said:


> I don't think many places have at fault divorces now.


There is something wrong with that fact imho. Betrayed spouses should be financially protected. At fault legislation should be engrained in the law in every place in the western world.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Tested_by_stress said:


> There is something wrong with that fact imho. Betrayed spouses should be financially protected. At fault legislation should be engrained in the law in every place in the western world.


I'm generally never for more government, and honestly, it's usually the woman who gave up her ability to earn money and is the one who'll end up with nothing, and "at fault" divorces do nothing for her. All the man has to do is get one of his pals to say he slept her and her claim is null and void. That's IF she's able to prove he was unfaithful anyway, which is literally impossible to do. Even photographs can be edited. And abuse, please. Her husband just tells the judge she likes rough sex and he's off the hook, he'll say she slept with the officer who put in the police report or something and it all goes away. "At fault" doesn't protect women at all, it only protects men. Which is very likely why those statutes are either off the books or are rarely used. No-fault is the only way a woman can successfully get a divorce unless the man wants it too, and most of the time the man doesn't want a divorce, he either wants to keep beating her or keep his mistress while he has a live-in cook and housekeeper.

However, in the case that the woman was unfaithful, the "at-fault" would be the fair and right thing to do so the man doesn't have to keep supporting her. Pre-nups do that too, and more effectively.

There is a LOT wrong with family law, especially in the states. The current laws favor women unfairly, the way the old laws favored men unfairly. Instead of striking a balance we swung too far in the other direction. I wish I had a brilliant idea for how to fix it to make it fair for everyone, but smarter people than me have tried and we're still here.

The important thing is that the OP needs to understand the local divorce laws and think of himself first right now.


----------



## jonty30

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm generally never for more government, and honestly, it's usually the woman who gave up her ability to earn money and is the one who'll end up with nothing, and "at fault" divorces do nothing for her. All the man has to do is get one of his pals to say he slept her and her claim is null and void. That's IF she's able to prove he was unfaithful anyway, which is literally impossible to do. Even photographs can be edited. And abuse, please. Her husband just tells the judge she likes rough sex and he's off the hook, he'll say she slept with the officer who put in the police report or something and it all goes away. "At fault" doesn't protect women at all, it only protects men. Which is very likely why those statutes are either off the books or are rarely used. No-fault is the only way a woman can successfully get a divorce unless the man wants it too, and most of the time the man doesn't want a divorce, he either wants to keep beating her or keep his mistress while he has a live-in cook and housekeeper.
> 
> However, in the case that the woman was unfaithful, the "at-fault" would be the fair and right thing to do so the man doesn't have to keep supporting her. Pre-nups do that too, and more effectively.
> 
> There is a LOT wrong with family law, especially in the states. The current laws favor women unfairly, the way the old laws favored men unfairly. Instead of striking a balance we swung too far in the other direction. I wish I had a brilliant idea for how to fix it to make it fair for everyone, but smarter people than me have tried and we're still here.


In Canada, the courts have nullified pre-nups


----------



## manowar

I can't believe I'm reading this guy's responses. Is this a joke of some kind??

Read -- no more mr nice guy robert glover -- download it (its free; you need it. its for weak men). Read the unplugged alpha -- rich cooper and videos. This will teach you whats really going on. You need this.

Dude you've been fired from your role as husband. So here's what you do. You immediately stop doing everything she relies on you for. Stop paying her credit card bills, car insurance, car registration, chores, whatever it is. Stop it. YOU ARE another nice guy. *Read up on the 180 and implement.* This is your immediate response.

Let the other guy deal with her issues. Do you want to become her emotional tampon? Come on. Did you play hockey in Canada or do you live under a maple tree? Where is the old you? The masculine you who didn't take sh+t. Or were you always this soft. Marriage has weakened you. It's known as the betaization process. 

You are a beta provider --- Google it.



Kaliber said:


> she thinks you are a chump and will stick around, worrying about losing your money over your dignity!


She has little respect for you to flaunt this in your face bec she knows you'll take it. That's what nice guys do!!



Mybabysgotit said:


> Women don't like or respect clueless men.


This is true. Apparently, you never received the memo. I guess you don't want to cross any boundaries. hey, that isn't polite.



Unblazed said:


> she is unable to control her urges


Are you kidding me. Maybe you can give her a little spending money when she goes out on her dates. WTF....


----------



## Diana7

Unblazed said:


> I totally agree what you have just said, and puzzled in the same mind. However, sometimes I feel that marriage is hard work and needs sacrifices. In terms of assets, we still contribute evenly for everything, so worst case if I declare a divorce, it will be old sold and divided evenly, then I will just buy a new house and move in by myself.


So you would have enough with half to buy a house, be thankful for that at least. Many don't.


----------



## Blondilocks

Unblazed said:


> You don't believe there is anything else I can do, like teach her a lesson?





Unblazed said:


> I don't want her to leave and don't care about the money, I want her to feel what I felt.


You haven't once stated that you love your wife. It appears your pride is hurt and you want to exact revenge. You appear to like being married for the sake of being married. 

Right now, you're married to a stoner who lusts after another woman's husband. Keep in mind that the guy isn't exactly champing at the bit to get involved with her.

Do yourself a favor and unload her (sooner rather than later). Your marriage of convenience is over.


----------



## Unblazed

manowar said:


> I can't believe I'm reading this guy's responses. Is this a joke of some kind??
> 
> Read -- no more mr nice guy robert glover -- download it (its free; you need it. its for weak men). Read the unplugged alpha -- rich cooper and videos. This will teach you whats really going on. You need this.
> 
> Dude you've been fired from your role as husband. So here's what you do. You immediately stop doing everything she relies on you for. Stop paying her credit card bills, car insurance, car registration, chores, whatever it is. Stop it. YOU ARE another nice guy. *Read up on the 180 and implement.* This is your immediate response.
> 
> Let the other guy deal with her issues. Do you want to become her emotional tampon? Come on. Did you play hockey in Canada or do you live under a maple tree? Where is the old you? The masculine you who didn't take sh+t. Or were you always this soft. Marriage has weakened you. It's known as the betaization process.
> 
> You are a beta provider --- Google it.
> 
> 
> 
> She has little respect for you to flaunt this in your face bec she knows you'll take it. That's what nice guys do!!
> 
> 
> 
> This is true. Apparently, you never received the memo. I guess you don't want to cross any boundaries. hey, that isn't polite.
> 
> 
> 
> Are you kidding me. Maybe you can give her a little spending money when she goes out on her dates. WTF....


well, there is one thing that is called Love, what if she just goes through tough times?


----------



## Unblazed

Blondilocks said:


> You haven't once stated that you love your wife. It appears your pride is hurt and you want to exact revenge. You appear to like being married for the sake of being married.
> 
> Right now, you're married to a stoner who lusts after another woman's husband. Keep in mind that the guy isn't exactly champing at the bit to get involved with her.
> 
> Do yourself a favor and unload her (sooner rather than later). Your marriage of convenience is over.


I love her still and care for her, I guess that is a duality in my nature, but at the same time I want her to be fully accountable for her actions. It's so nice you still have death penalty in some states....


----------



## Blondilocks

Unblazed said:


> I love her still and care for her, I guess that is a duality in my nature, but at the same time I want her to be fully accountable for her actions. It's so nice you still have death penalty in some states....


The best revenge is living well. Be fully accountable for your actions and file for divorce. Even if she decides that this was no more than a high school crush, do you really want to be married to such an immature person? You will never trust her again - even if she swears on a Bible and walks through a hot bed of coals. 

Your last sentence is disgusting. Get a grip.


----------



## manowar

were you raised by a single mother?


----------



## justaguylookingforhelp

There is nothing original in my reply but I figured I'd my two cents anyway. Based on your original post and your responses, I don't think you'll be able to mentally take what she's doing. This is not always true, but in my experience, once a spouse strays and you forgive them and take them back, a lot of times they stray again. There are a variety of factors as to why, but if you are not willing to live in an open relationship, you need to go ahead and walk. My situation was not exactly the same as yours, but I had a straying spouse and I gave them multiple chances (which, frankly, says more about me than them) and it always just circled back to where it was before. I have friends who have gone through similar. Again, if you don't want to be in an open relationship, you should go ahead and file for divorce because I don't see this scenario changing down the road.


----------



## Tdbo

Unblazed said:


> I love her still and care for her, I guess that is a duality in my nature, but at the same time I want her to be fully accountable for her actions. It's so nice you still have death penalty in some states....


I'm not sure why you would care for someone who steps out on you, wants to cuckold you, and basically hold you as a "Plan B."
However, you know what you want, and it basically is "Your Circus, Your Monkey."
You want full accountability? Fine, here is how you do it:
Find the meanest SOB of a legal Barracuda that you can find and get him (or better yet, her) on retainer,
Have her served cold, at a place and point in time that ensures maximum humiliation.
At that point, you will know what you have.
Either you will know that she truly wants out, or you will have "Harshed her Buzz," both literally and figuratively.
The idea here is to force her to remove her cranium from her anal orifice.
Observe what she does. If she makes moves to reconcile, and is willing to do the work and take the steps to become a safe spouse, you can adjust the speed of the proceedings. If you do this, it is on your terms and show no mercy. It is all on her to prove herself.
If she doesn't, push the handle on the proverbial toilet and flush her down.
At any rate, you are in charge of your destiny.
She can only treat you like crap if you let her.
Read and implement Glover's book in your life.
Study and implement the 180. It will be of benefit to you.
Quick, controlled, constructive action is your friend right now. Neutralize the power hold she has on you.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Whoooooo boy! You caught her mid-swing while she was monkey branching! Even better, the branch she was trying to swing to is no longer an option. Now she’s swinging back to you to grab on and save her.

you mentioned teaching her a lesson. This will be a lesson she’ll never forget. Don’t be the safety branch she is trying to swing back to. Divorce. Let her take the half the government will give her.

you move on. Enjoy your life. She’s left in the middle still swinging and no one wants her. Trust me, she’ll feel that lesson.


----------



## marko polo

Unblazed said:


> You don't believe there is anything else I can do, like teach her a lesson?
> I understand that she is a human being with feelings, but so am I. In fact that she experiencing something might be very real, just by knowing her for about 15 years, maybe she is unable to control her urges, I honestly don't want to let her go and suffer with some ahole she thinks she is in love.
> To me marriage was always a core, and love is just a dream that comes and goes, maybe she is just going through what teenagers typically go through. I think I just need to do something here that will reset her switch.
> With any action comes responsibility, and I know for a fact, I won't leave this alone.
> I don't want her to leave and don't care about the money, I want her to feel what I felt.


You have many hard lessons to learn.

You will not be able to "teach her a lesson" anymore than you will be able to prevent any suffering she experiences with some_ ahole_. She has already chosen him over you. If not this ahole then there will be another down the road. You cannot stop it.

There is nothing you can do to _reset her switch_. You can attempt whatever you like she will savor your futile efforts to get her back or teach her. She will laugh about it.

You want her to feel what you felt. Not going to happen. A person a selfish as her does not care about the damage done to you or anyone else they choose to betray.

Instead of wasting your time and energy on futile pursuits as you have listed above, your efforts would be better spent on getting away from her as soon as possible. She has come back to you - plan b / safety net. As soon as the someone else captures her attention she will leave you all over again.

Get away from her. Move and do not allow her to learn where you have gone to. Go no contact. Communicate with her only through your lawyer. Do not meet with her as it will not benefit you in any way. Trust nothing she says.

When someone shows you who they really are the first time, believe them. Look at her actions up to this point if you want to know who you are really dealing with. She has shown you who she is and that she does not respect you much less love you to treat you the way she has. *She chose another man over you and left you for him. If he had not rejected her she would be with him.* If you choose to ignore what you have seen and how you have been treated that's on you. Your situation will not improve much less change if you decide to stay with her.


----------



## Al_Bundy

Pay half now or pay later. There are some things you might be able to do, talk to a financial advisor and a lawyer and use the two together. 

For example, say the judge divides everything in half, debts and assets. Except maybe most of the debt is in your name. Guess what, the creditors don't care about your divorce, your name is on the debt. She could just take her half of the savings and you'd be left with all the debt. So one way to keep her hands off the cash is to pay down debt. That's just one example.

Best of luck.


----------



## NotSureAnyMore1

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well of course she's going to get half of everything because she's half of the marriage partnership. I really shouldn't be your main consideration here.
> 
> She's just going to keep doing this if you stay with her. I can't even imagine sitting and putting up with it and I don't think you can talk her out of it. I think it's time to give her half of everything and move on.
> 
> The norm is to do 50/50 joint custody so that you each have the kids the same amount of time usually that will keep you from having to pay child support and it will keep you in your kids' lives.


I have a question here, how about if she had number of incidents that involved the child protective services department and that led you as a husband to stand against your wife to protect your kids and maybe see if the wife will come to her right mind, if we assumed that she went ahead and filed a divorce, will she still get half of what you own if there is high possibility that you will have a full custody on your kids?


----------



## DownByTheRiver

NotSureAnyMore1 said:


> I have a question here, how about if she had number of incidents that involved the child protective services department and that led you as a husband to stand against your wife to protect your kids and maybe see if the wife will come to her right mind, if we assumed that she went ahead and filed a divorce, will she still get half of what you own if there is high possibility that you will have a full custody on your kids?


If you two were together how can she have a protective services incident without you also having that same incident? If you were standing by enabling this, they consider you just as guilty. If you were the whistleblower and made moves to get the children away from her if she was abusive to them or neglectful and you were feeling all those gaps providing and taking care of the children, then that is a different story. But they're usually is a path back to getting your children if you follow the steps the court requires of you.

If for some reason you got the children full time and she has been a breadwinner in the marriage, then she would be the one paying child support.


----------



## David60525

Unblazed said:


> Hi all, I am new to this forum and wondering what you could suggest regarding the situation I am currently in, any ideas are welcome and very much appreciated.
> 
> I have been married for about 10 years and a couple of weeks ago, my wife, out of the blue, declared that she does not love me anymore and there is someone else. This came of course as a shock and I did not know what to make of this, since all this time we had great time together and I never thought this can happen (boy was I wrong).
> Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me.
> I have discovered some stuff and know the guy's name and his phone number (she does not know that). I also know that he does not seem to want to start anything serious with her, and I know that she told him that she told me about her plans with him, at what he seems to be not very excited about, and told her a few times that he does not want jeopardize anything. I believe he currently has a family with kids. I am not sure if my wife is loosing her mind or going through some deep emotional crisis, but still I want to be prepared for the outcome. She is currently very polite and nice, does everything again around the house, but I think its because he rejected her. She says now she needs to think things over and does not know what she will do, great, very comforting! We sleep in different rooms now.
> 
> Knowing all this should I wait things to calm down a little bit, and write this off as some wet teenage impulse thing (although woman is 38 years of age)?
> Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that. I feel very stupid and like someone dumped raw sewage on me, wondering if there are interesting ideas how I can go around this, even in terms of revenge or to make her leave the house?
> 
> Thanks


Divorce, you will lose half anyway, cut your loses while young enough to recover. If she stays you will never know if she loves you or has burning desire. Evert day you look at her mug, face in the morning you will have ever growing disdain.


----------



## Rus47

Unblazed said:


> Now here is the kicker, it does not look like she wants to divorce me and I think her idea is to stay in my house while being open for the new relationships, which of course will bring a lot of mental burden for me.


Of course. She wants to eff other random guys while you pay the bills. She told you she doesnt love you, which is obvious. Get the divorce done ASAP, things arent going to improve with age.


Unblazed said:


> Just wondering how I should proceed, if I file for a divorce she would probably want half of everything, and I really want to avoid that.


She is going to get half. Later you will have more to cut in half


Unblazed said:


> I am currently thinking to give it a month or so, and see if she comes to her right mind, she did apologize and cried already, but still says she loves him and it gives her anxiety, which does not really help me any.


Stop thinking about prolonging tge agony. Only reason she is crying is cuz her lover wont take her. Dump her ASAP[/QUOTE]


----------

