# Guys... Give me some insight into this male way of thinking!



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I'm looking to get some idea of how guys think here. Had a little issue come up which got me thinking...

Earlier on, me and hubz went out for tea. I was wearing a playsuit, with a cardigan, black tights and mid-length boots. I had my coat on over it. Thing is, my coat is mid-thigh length and buttoned up over my playsuit, well, makes it look like I don't really have anything on underneath. But I really do!

Hubz said something on the way to the pub. Paraphrased, it went like how I really shouldn't wear stuff like that, because people will think I'm slvtty, and it really doesn't suit me. I was taken aback because I've worn this outfit a few times, and believe me I am NOT looking to give off that vibe at all. To me, it was a cute outfit I dressed up for winter, and I didn't really think about the coat thing, I suppose because I know I am wearing something decent under it.

Got in the pub, sat down. Hubz told me, see, I told you, some guy was eyeing up your legs, I shot him the daggers to let him know I clocked him. Said again how I shouldn't wear stuff like that. Commented on a pencil-skirt dress I wore last week where he said I looked beautiful (didn't know he had an opinion as generally he doesn't really say.)

I was mulling it over as we chatted. Random chit-chat. He mentioned he'd watched a Transformers film after I fell asleep, got talking about Megan Fox after he gave a "look" when he mentioned her name. I said I didn't know he liked her.

Got back to the dress issue. I highlighted that I found it odd that he thought Miss Fox was rather nice when she goes round generally looking rather, well, slvtty, yet he says *I* look slvtty and that is BAD.

I was told there is a WORLD of difference. That it is a matter of respect. That basically it is okay for him to think that about her. But there is no way he wants to think that about me.

Okay guys... I think I get it. Just give me some clarity and insight into this thinking.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm not a guy, but I can answer this easily. 
You are taken. It's important to him that you don't give off the impression that you are looking for attention from other males.
You are taken. Your goods are for his eyes only. 
Pay careful attention to what he is saying. If he bothers to tell you that he doesn't like it when you dress that way in public, what does it hurt to listen? Save it for when you are alone.


----------



## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Megan Fox is in the business of making people look at her. You arent, unless you strip or pole dance, which even if you do, I assume you werent planning to do it at the dinner. 

He is worried that you are fishing for male attention when you already have it from him. If it worries him, it should be something you care about. If you care about him that is.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, if he is controlling how you dress, that's a big sign of ew.

If you always dressed like this and now he has a problem, that's a red flag.

There is nothing wrong with dressing the way you want to dress.

OH NO! A man was looking at your legs! Wtf country are you in? People look. Oh well. Your man looked or else you wouldn't be with him. You can't control others...but you shouldn't go around in a sheet either.

Do what you do. Really ask yourself why you dress the way you dress. If it's to get other people's attention (be honest) then stop it...or just tone it down. If it's because you LIKE TO WEAR IT, then stop letting your man control you. Is he always the way YOU want him to dress?? I doubt it. 

Funny how he likes other women looking slvtty, but not his woman. Should you look doudy so he can fantasize about other women? Screw that. My husband likes when i look hot. He likes when other men look. He has said, "I'd worry if they didn't look! Who cares if they look! I get to TOUCH YOU!" lolol. 

I can't believe the other advice given on this thread so far. Good grief. The OP has done nothing wrong.


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I agree with TG. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

What is a playsuit?


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Emerald said:


> What is a playsuit?


Like a dress, but the bottom half is shorts instead of a skirt.

Like this


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

tobio said:


> Like a dress, but the bottom half is shorts instead of a skirt.
> 
> Like this


Okay that is seriously darling!

You are a grown woman & should be able to wear whatever you want. If he doesn't like a particular outfit, so be it. But his reasons are controlling.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

tobio said:


> Like a dress, but the bottom half is shorts instead of a skirt.
> 
> Like this


I think this looks cute!

I see both sides of this. But I don't think a man being a bit possessive is a bad thing. As long as you don't feel like a caged bird. I also don't get the vibe he's super controlling. I think he made that statement sound too black and white. When it comes to style and attire, too many things to take into consideration. I think he should have spoke more about how he feels than the way you dress. Because I don't think you were trying to look like a **** and if he thought you dressed ****ty there was no way in hell he would have loved you and married you. I think Megan Fox is a physically attractive woman. But from how she portrays herself in the media and from what is revealed about her personally life, I do not respect Megan Fox. Perhaps your husband could have said this instead of "Yeah she's hot but a ****". Based on what you said I think the bigger issue is that your husband has trouble expressing himself and getting you to see things his way while being understanding of where you are coming from.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

FalconKing said:


> I think this looks cute! . . . .


When I saw “playsuit” I thought . . . . well never mind what I was thinking.  The outfit pictured is perfectly fine and something fine upstanding women in Texas might be seen in on Sundays, with hose and before Labor Day mind you, but – ****ty . . . really?


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I would love it if my wife would wear clothing like that. I would love to show her off knowing she only belongs to me. But everybody is different.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hmmm... the day my husband and I got married at the courthouse, I wore something similar. I didn't wear pantyhose, just bare legs. OH NO! And yet, the lady magistrate who married us, and my PARENTS, as well as my husband... NO ONE thought i looked "slvtty". It isn't slvtty. He just doesn't like the idea of someone else looking at you.


----------



## SoxFan (Jun 9, 2012)

Tobio,
As a male I can sort of see both sides to this. My wife has an outfit somewhat similar to what you were wearing and I remember once when she wore it she looked really sexy (but not ****ty in my opinion) and turned some heads while wearing it. Some guys don't mind it when their wives/gfs get some eyeballs on them when they are out but I'm more along the lines of your husband where I'm not crazy about it. I like her to look good when we go out......but not too good. I agree with deejov, I don't want any other male to think she is dressing to look for their attention.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

T,
You want symmetry - you got it. 

It isn't my place to tell my W how to dress. That said, she chooses to dress in a way causes other men to drool over her, then I feel perfectly comfortable staring at other women I find to be attractive while the two of us are out. 

You create a situation where other guys pointedly give you sexual attention, you need to be ok with your guy pointedly doing the same to other women. 

You can't possibly not understand that.



tobio said:


> I'm looking to get some idea of how guys think here. Had a little issue come up which got me thinking...
> 
> Earlier on, me and hubz went out for tea. I was wearing a playsuit, with a cardigan, black tights and mid-length boots. I had my coat on over it. Thing is, my coat is mid-thigh length and buttoned up over my playsuit, well, makes it look like I don't really have anything on underneath. But I really do!
> 
> ...


----------



## countrybumpkin (Nov 8, 2012)

The outfit you described and showed to us is completely appropriate. It's not short enough to show your butt, you had tights on, and boots. You were covered. I could understand if you were wearing a dress that came up to your hooha and some boots that went up just as far. 

With that said, it seems like your husband does have an issue with other men looking at you. In this case, I would almost take it as a compliment...almost. He sees that other men are taking interest and is genuinely bothered by the potential competition (though, you're already married...so I think the contest is over). 

It does get annoying when you try to look good for your husband and he takes it as you're trying to look good for everyone else. I guess he only wants to see you that way at home.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

tobio said:


> Like a dress, but the bottom half is shorts instead of a skirt.
> 
> Like this


I'm way too old to wear something like that, of course, but with the right figure, black tights and knee length boots - I don't think that could be termed sl*tty.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's just nuts that if your women dresses cute/nice/attractive that it gives her man the right to oogle other women? THE EFF?! 

So you want your woman to look like gramma when going out?

Eff that. MAYBE your woman dresses the way she dresses because she is showing off for you and likes the way she looks/feels when she looks cute/attractive etc.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL other people. If men look, oh well. Holy crap.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> It's just nuts that if your women dresses cute/nice/attractive that it gives her man the right to oogle other women? THE EFF?!
> 
> So you want your woman to look like gramma when going out?
> 
> ...


True. But if your spouse does something that makes you uncomfortable or you if don't like it you should have the right to tell them and hope that they stop doing it. Or at least take what you said into consideration. 

With that being said, men are going to look at women no matter what they wear. If we can't see any skin we will just use our imagination. Unless you are dressing like Madonna or make it a point to always show cleavage and wear low cuts, it's just his insecurities eating up at him. We look at women, especially if we find them attractive. I was on a date with a woman and we were in the parking lot talking. Some guy drove behind her and was clearly looking at her butt as he drove by. She did nothing to invite that guy's attention except be attractive I fell out laughing:rofl:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

That's what I mean. The OP isn't dressing slvtty, but her husband is very insecure and then puts HER down  disturbing and abusive.

But, he probably shot himself in the foot. I know that if my husband thought I looked slvtty because he thinks I'm dressing for other men, I'd be more self conscious and less likely to get freaky in bed. God knows what else he'd critique.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

She mentioned he doesn't say much. And when he does it sounds like he can come off as abrasive and insensitive. Once again it just seems the issue is another man who communicates poorly with his wife:yawn2:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lollll And look, she posts here, all worried that she's done something wrong.

Lame.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

OP I think your husband's problem is his poor way of addressing things that bother him. I thought that dress(I think you would call that a dress:scratchhead was really cute. And I doubt you are dressing like Posh Spice. You guys have got to discuss this. Maybe you could reassure him that you like to look good for yourself and loves that he thinks you look attractive/sexy. But i'm just worried while trying to come to some resolution and understanding he will unload a barrage of insensitive things. The things that he likes you to wear, do you like wearing them or do you feel it's not really you?


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I didn't see the picture until now. 

Just saw it. Perfectly harmless. 

Tobio,
Sorry for jumping to conclusions. That is not in any way a slvtty outfit. Is he agitated about other stuff and seeking to gain advantage? 




that_girl said:


> It's just nuts that if your women dresses cute/nice/attractive that it gives her man the right to oogle other women? THE EFF?!
> 
> So you want your woman to look like gramma when going out?
> 
> ...


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

tobio said:


> Earlier on, me and hubz went out for tea. I was wearing a playsuit, with a cardigan, black tights and mid-length boots. I had my coat on over it. Thing is, my coat is mid-thigh length and buttoned up over my playsuit, well, makes it look like I don't really have anything on underneath. But I really do!


So basically you were dressed like a prostitute? 
'round these parts, mid-length boots are called "hooker boots" because it's mostly hookers or women cruising for a one night stand who wear them. One of the first google images for "hooker boots" is this one:









Black tights with hooker boots would look a bit more like this:









The above image was found by googling for "dress ****ty." Those are the first women to get hit on at the bar because we know they're looking for attention.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Shawn

Not hooker boots. Mine are halfway up my calves, no heel, biker style boots.

Like Studded Biker Boots | Women | George at ASDA but without the studs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, if he is controlling how you dress, that's a big sign of ew.
> 
> If you always dressed like this and now he has a problem, that's a red flag.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I dress on the conservative side. The playsuit you posted looks cute! I tend to make more effort when I'm going out with Bats because he's the one I'm wanting to attract. We went to dinner last week and I wore a dress he hadn't seen before that was fitted at the top with a plunging neck line. We sat across from each other and he said how sexy it was. While running errands together I've worn a spiderman tshirt and jeans (low effort weekend outfit) and he's mentioned other guys noticing me - not in a way that's insulting to me but he did make jokes that I wasn't allowed to wear that tshirt anymore lol. Similar to TG's post though, he'd also comment how lucky he was.

Has he taken issue with your clothing before? Why is he feeling insecure? 

I wouldn't care for my husband suggesting I looked sl*tty. If something doesn't look flattering, that's one thing and the language used can be tactful and caring, but I would not be cool being spoken to and put down in that manner and if it's more to do with him than me or my outfit then he needs to own that.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I can see both sides here. tobio is hit the nail on the head. He in his primative form has his "woman" and she is not up for being taken from him. Therefore dressing in a certain way for him is advertising availability (I hate the phrase sluvt, I prefer to use the phrase dressing for availability).
He, by your own admission never comments on how you look but this time did so. Therefore he was significantly concerned to do so.
Being controlling is at this stage a little premature to say. Yes a wife and husband should be able to dress the way they want, but they should also be aware of what message they give out. How would a wife react if the H was dressed in a manner that brought female gaze?
On the point of controlling - some husnads dio feel threatened when a wife dresses in a certain way, it may be a confidence issue with them but when a guy feels like this its a reality and they feel "their woman" is seeking someone else. 
Its about respect for each other and their feelings in the first instance and if the guy felt threatened or if the woman felt threatened surely they should be able to say so, Isnt one of the big issues in marridges we see here about not communicating feelings to each other but rather than taking no notice or even discussing these with otehrs ahead of the partner concerned.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He rarely makes comments about what I wear. I have said previously I would like him to, say, tell me when he thinks I look good but it's this old, old thing where he thinks I know he thinks I look nice without him ever saying it.

Like he mentioned a dress I wore last week, he told me I looked beautiful and I should wear stuff like that. He never said a WORD at the time.

I've worn that outfit before, and I do dress it down a little because I want to look presentable as his wife and mother of four - and plus I know I'm not 20 any more. I have never dressed slvtty. He said yesterday that he KNOWS I am not like that, and he thinks I look nice in everything I wear, but clothes like that may be giving off a different message to other people.

He said I'd changed how I dressed of late, and asked why? Without thinking - I didn't really know I thought this - I said that what I was wearing before (prior to his EA) wasn't keeping his attention on me. I have started to dress more femininely, more dresses, cute pumps, less jeans, cute little cardigans to throw over the top.

He rolled his eyes at this and didn't take any opportunity to say anything about it. If that were me, I'd have been all over that opportunity to reassure me but hey...

But yes, the way he said it... He never usually says anything like that. That's why it got me. He would NEVER say how lucky he is... I just get that I look slvtty. Hmm.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’m from the 60s/70s generation, the time of hot pants and such. I remember my wife’s father calling out the window when we went out on a date for her to get back indoors and put a skirt on, he had a great sense of humour. Believe me women these days are positively covered up by comparison. 

So for me situations like these all ”depend”.


Tobio if you dressed and went out with the intention (either consciously or subconsciously) of making your H jealous then well done, it worked. The more jealousy he exhibits, the deeper his love for you and the greater he values you.


So for me it just depends on Tobio’s behaviour. If for example she was flirting, either consciously or subconsciously with other guys then of course her H is going to get jealous.


Tobio you might want to read Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality: Anthony De Mello, J. Francis Stroud: 9780385249379: Amazon.com: Books so you can see how you contribute to the situations you find yourself in.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Pault said:


> Its about respect for each other and their feelings in the first instance and if the guy felt threatened or if the woman felt threatened surely they should be able to say so, Isnt one of the big issues in marridges we see here about not communicating feelings to each other but rather than taking no notice or even discussing these with otehrs ahead of the partner concerned.


The discussion and communication deserves to happen respectfully.


----------



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

that would come. Yet female use this compliment with ease. It becomes nearly embarressing for guys and when we do use it, it realy is heart felt. 
Some basic open talking is needed here and HE needs to feel secure, despite the fact youve not dont anything wrong. 
Ask simply what should YOU do if hes being eyed up by someone in the pub. Should you expect him to change his clothing. Guys will always stare at an attractive woman, its build in to us to do this as it is females to dress to attract., its the boarder lines that can be breached that are important. If however, the way you dressed brought lurid comments within earshot of your H then this has to be handled with sensitivity. Having been in a situation where I overheard a guy make comments because my wife wore a stunning evening dress which showed some cleavage and clearly saids what he'd do to her if she was his I did react and the guy did have difficulty speaking properly after. Im not proud of it but my W, when she was told of the comments was ataken aback and actually kissed me and thanked me for being "a man". 

It will always be an issue how someone dresses and it is down to the couple at the time. If both are comfortable with the attention it can draw then ok, if either is uncomfortable then the other party needs to understand and provide positive affirmation.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tobio said:


> He said I'd changed how I dressed of late, and asked why? Without thinking - I didn't really know I thought this - I said that what I was wearing before (prior to his EA) wasn't keeping his attention on me. I have started to dress more femininely, more dresses, cute pumps, less jeans, cute little cardigans to throw over the top.
> 
> He rolled his eyes at this and didn't take any opportunity to say anything about it. If that were me, I'd have been all over that opportunity to reassure me but hey...
> 
> But yes, the way he said it... He never usually says anything like that. That's why it got me. He would NEVER say how lucky he is... I just get that I look slvtty. Hmm.


Were you trying to take a stab back at him, with the reason why you have started changing up the way you dress? You didn't own it to say you want to wear more dresses and less jeans because it makes you feel more feminine and enjoy his attention. 

It seems there's more stuff that needs to be sorted between you.

When I wrote before that I make more effort when hubs and I go out, while that is true, I dress that way because I like to feel good and make an effort for both him and myself. Just as he does for himself and to look good for me also. 

If you want to switch up the way you dress slightly, then do it because you want to. Otherwise it sounds to me like you're trying to guilt trip him. By him rolling his eyes, it would signal you may have been answering his question with that tone and approach, rather than playfully "oh I just wanted to show off my legs to you on our pub date...." Granted I don't think I'd be responding in a playful manner either if my husband approached it the way yours did. Still, I'm just offering a different way of looking at it.

I'm not suggesting that you don't have a right to feel a certain way after his actions in the relationship, but if that needs to be dealt with, then deal with that together. It seems there's more going on (emotionally) than just your outfit.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

tobio said:


> Commented on a pencil-skirt dress I wore last week where he said I looked beautiful (didn't know he had an opinion as generally he doesn't really say.)


by the way.....you sound like you have a great wardrobe!


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think in these situations body language (facial expressions, where our feet are pointing, where our body is pointing, where we look, where we don’t look, flirty behaviour, showing wrists and palms of hand, pushing back hair to expose neck and ears etc.) speaks volumes whereas actual spoken words are easily misconstrued and can be deliberately deceptive.


Plus Tobio you at times seem kind of loaded with resentment, you just haven’t dealt with past issues in a constructive way (for goodness sake forgive the guy for his 4 week EA. Or eventually you’ll lose him) and other new issues keep coming. It’s because of this that you need to keep a wary and cautious eye out for passive aggression. You may, even subconsciously, be getting your own back by the use of PA. If you are you will be in the viscous circle of the drama triangle.


On top of all that you went and made big changes wrt how you dress. Without telling him what you are doing and why you are doing it! What’s the guy supposed to be, a mind reader?


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I just want to be clear. The way I dress is for me and him. If I put on a cute outfit to go out, I am hoping he's going to think I look fantastic and will be looking at me. There's no ulterior motive on my part. It is very much for him. Unfortunately rarely do I hear any affirmation from him that he thinks I look good.

I have always gotten plenty of attention from guys. Even as I dressed before. I'm not interested in deliberately stirring up that kind of attention. I notice it but truthfully - that's the kind of attention I'd love from him. It makes me sad.

Maybe if he'd phrased it differently the message might have been better received. To say I look slvtty... Honest to god I do not. It really upset me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Does he always look the way you want him to? I mean, when you go out, does he look nice? Or wear jeans and tees while you look cute? If so, bring that up. He should hear he's sloppy.



If a woman is respectable, and wearing feminine, cute clothing, then her man needs to be quiet, imo. By shaming his wife or making her feel bad for feeling sexy, he is shooting yourself in your own foot.

I like to feel sexy. I can feel sexy in jeans and a tee or a dress and my heels. Sexy is in the mind. However, I won't waste my youth looking like gramma just because my husband has issues with what I wear. I could understand if it was "Pretty Woman" style, but what's next? No tight jeans or shirts? Holy hell. 

This whole thing stinks. My ex was controlling. I used to look cute and sassy. By the end of that relationship I was in sweats and overalls, and i'm not even kidding. Wtf. If that had been NOW, I would have kicked his ass or told him how stinky his breath was or how he dresses like a bum. But they break you down slowly until you're in sweats and baggy overalls. Hells no.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

ShawnD said:


> So basically you were dressed like a prostitute?
> 'round these parts, mid-length boots are called "hooker boots" because it's mostly hookers or women cruising for a one night stand who wear them. One of the first google images for "hooker boots" is this one:
> 
> 
> ...


ROTFLMAO. Well, if Sarah Palin is wearing a Playsuit and GoGo boots that is . . . prima facia conservative. Case closed. 

This fashion commentator stuff is really quite easy.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And "eff me boots" worn out with hubby is about HIM. Holy crap.

I wear my "eff me boots" on dates. He loves it. I also have a pair of 6 inch red heels that he LOVES! I dn't wear them to work or to the market. I'd die lolol.

I have boots I wear to work. Flat. Not hooker. 

But geesus. Men want hot women until they get that woman, then it's NO HOTNESS EVER!  Then men wonder why women are so screwed up about sex. 

Reassure your man that it's just for him and to feel good about yourself. He had an EA though? He could be projecting. Maybe he dressed better when in the affair so he assumes that about you. Just reassure him and do what you do. Don't end up in sweats and overalls.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

A bunch of guys that can not control themselves at a bar staring my wife because she looks great? I would give them something to look at. I would kiss her with lots of tongue.... and I have a introvert personality. If they still do not get the hint who cares? It is their problem not mine or my wifes. Lighten up and have a good time.


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

tobio said:


> I've worn that outfit before, and I do dress it down a little because I want to look presentable as his wife and mother of four - and plus I know I'm not 20 any more.
> 
> *He said I'd changed how I dressed of late, and asked why? Without thinking - I didn't really know I thought this - I said that what I was wearing before (prior to his EA) wasn't keeping his attention on me. I have started to dress more femininely, more dresses, cute pumps, less jeans, cute little cardigans to throw over the top.*
> 
> He rolled his eyes at this and didn't take any opportunity to say anything about it. If that were me, I'd have been all over that opportunity to reassure me but hey...


Therein lies your answer. He has had an EA and knows what attracts men. So, in his mind, you went out looking and feeling hot and he didn't like it due to what OTHER men might think.  Isn't that called projection? :scratchhead:

Yet he can drool over some actress that dresses the same way...and it's different? :banghead:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And I'm happy I don't live "round these parts". Dear god. BOTH of those women in those pics look nice.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> A bunch of guys that can not control themselves at a bar staring my wife because she looks great? I would give them something to look at. I would kiss her with lots of tongue.... and I have a introvert personality. If they still do not get the hint who cares? It is their problem not mine or my wifes. Lighten up and have a good time.


Yea, I think many men would put their wives in a berka if they could. 

My husband says when people stop looking, then he'll worry  hahaha...


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Would everyone PLEASE stop calling them 'hooker boots'. Its ridiculous. Wearing boots with a heel are perfectly normal attire.

My personal opinion on this whole situation is that insecure men turn me off . . . he needs to man up


----------



## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

JJG said:


> *Would everyone PLEASE stop calling them 'hooker boots'. Its ridiculous. Wearing boots with a heel are perfectly normal attire.*
> 
> My personal opinion on this whole situation is that insecure men turn me off . . . he needs to man up


:iagree: I love all of my boots! Some have heels, some don't!


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I just remembered something really weird!

Last year I bought some denim shorts. Thought they'd be great for summer. I remembered hubz saying he liked it when I showed my legs.

I wore them on holiday with bare legs. Walking down the street some guy wolf-whistled at me. I made some lighthearted comment about how it must be my short shorts. Hubz laughed and said, no, they're not short. They're covering everything - they're nothing like high cut shorts.

It was really weird - it was like he was making fun of me for trying took good for him. 

Months later he said they really didn't suit me. Hilarious given every time a cute girl walked past wearing the same thing he'd be looking, but for some reason on ME - no way... I'm not a heifer or anything, I have nice legs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tell him to get the fvck over himself.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> I just remembered something really weird!
> 
> Last year I bought some denim shorts. Thought they'd be great for summer. I remembered hubz saying he liked it when I showed my legs.
> 
> ...


You gave the guy a serious road test. I don’t see how fitness tests come bigger or stronger than living with a guy and having two of his children BEFORE you got married.

And even then you twisted his arm up his back and told him you’d leave him if he didn’t marry him.

And here you are more or less constantly moaning about him. Doesn’t look too clever does it.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

tobio said:


> He rarely makes comments about what I wear. I have said previously I would like him to, say, tell me when he thinks I look good but it's this old, old thing where he thinks I know he thinks I look nice without him ever saying it.
> 
> Like he mentioned a dress I wore last week, he told me I looked beautiful and I should wear stuff like that. He never said a WORD at the time.
> 
> ...


Ok. Here's my take on this. Your husband had an emotional affair and betrayed you. Also, your husband seems to do a very poor job of expressing his emotions and projects things on you. Your husband may feel insecure because he cheated on you and maybe in the back of his mind he's worried you could do the same to him. He probably thinks it's what he deserves. He may not give you compliments because he may think doing so is a sign of weakness for him. For example, if his fears were founded then he would feel like a fool for saying nice things about you and opening up to you about how attractive you are. Rather than deal with all this it's just easier to demean you or just not say anything. Some men have trouble being vulnerable and don't know how to effectively and affectionately communicate with their wives. It's like they went to Caveman School. 

Also, because your husband has trouble being open with you about his feelings then it makes it that much easier for him to have an EA because their is a level of vulnerability and closeness that he is refusing to give to you. Also, there wasn't anything sl_tty about those boots IMO. They are stylish and nice. Hell, I even like stilettos. If i'm with a woman and we have a night out on the town, I want her to look attractive. I mean damn i'm trying to! I would rather she wear some high heels, and a dress rather than some sweats and cross trainers. Your husband needs to learn to be more open. This all in my opinion of course.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Tobio I went back and read some of your other posts/threads. It seems like you guys have A LOT on your plate in this marriage. I think there is obviously some resentment and frustration on both sides.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

OP asked for an insight into the male mind. Instead she mostly got the sisterhood version of husband bashing with the throwing of the usual adjectives, including "abusive"... Holy cow, dude has an opinion on the way his wife is dressing and he is "abusive"!

When you girls wonder why many men don't communicate and don't offer their opinion, this is why. You're not interested in it. They know it, so why they risk having a sh!tstorm over it?

The OP, given the advice here will probably totally ignore her husband's opinions and continue with whatever she wants to do, probably even raising hell for him for being "controlling". And her husband will learn from this that his opinion doesn't really count. 

Next time he will keep those opinions to himself. But there will be a trade off. Next time she voices her opinion he will feel entitled to ignore it too. And that is a cycle that tends to kill relationships.

OP, i don't see nothing wrong with that sort of dressing. But i'm not your husband. You have been given an honest opinion from the man you call husband. You are as free to ignore it as he is free to have his opinions.

Many men don't like that their partner attracts too much attention. You may or may not be doing it. But one thing you much consider is that your husband's feelings do matter, or they should. Ignoring them is a liability you may or may not wish to face.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes and no.

When a man says "you look like a slvt", that's a blow. No respectable woman wants to hear that. I assumed (so sue me) that the OP is a respectable woman or she'd already have told her husband to eff off...and not posted here, wondering if she did something wrong.

Men have a weird double standard and then they wonder why women are so effed up. "I like hot women, unless it's my woman...then she better be HOT but not too hot and not hot in public and if men look, then it's HER fault for dressing hot...even though I look at hot chicks."

Eff that.

Yes, her husband's feelings matter, but seeing that he had the affair, I think there's a TON of projection going on.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Yes, her husband's feelings matter, but seeing that he had the affair, I think there's a TON of projection going on.


Yes, there is, because he is a dog and he knows what others dogs are thinking.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And again, that's not her fault. A woman shouldn't feel like she has to dress like a slob just so people don't look at her. If her intentions are good, then he has to trust that...but seeing that he broke tons of trust, I'm sure he can't trust anyone.

It's sad. Her clothing is the least of the problems here.


----------



## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Men have a weird double standard and then they wonder why women are so effed up. "I like hot women, unless it's my woman...then she better be HOT but not too hot and not hot in public and if men look, then it's HER fault for dressing hot...even though I look at hot chicks."


Skanks are good for 1 night. The girl next door is good for a lifetime.

Trying too hard to get the attention of men is like being that guy who bathes in after shave, has a popped collar, and wears sunglasses indoors. He might be ok for sex, but it would be embarrassing to date such a person.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

:rofl: And this OP wasn't dressed like a slvt. She wasn't trying to get men to look at her. gawdam. So a woman can't look cute unless she's on the prowl? Good grief. I like to look good. I like look good for my husband. He knows I am not trying to get guys' attention. He likes looking at me...and when I look hot, he likes it. Who wants a doudy wife? 



I like popped collars!


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

I think they are both messed up. Another example of wanting to change your partner after getting married. Both of them are insecure.


----------



## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

CrazyGuy said:


> I think they are both messed up. Another example of wanting to change your partner after getting married. Both of them are insecure.


Umm..i'm sure there was a nicer way to say that:yawn2:


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

On I will comment on this topic more generally because I probably had to be there to have an opinion on this situation. And maybe where he took his wife was not the right place either. Idunno. 

I have always liked my wife to dress sexy when she is out with me. In general she dresses more conservatively when she goes out on her GNOs then when she is out with me. She does it to please me I am certain. If it were the reverse we would have a HUGE problem. I have never had to say anything to her in this regard. She has always been respectful of me.

But to be blunt, if you are out amongst a bunch of men flashing, shaven or otherwise and / or bouncing freely with either sheer fabric or just continual nip slips no matter what your intentions are this is disrespectful IMO to your husband. No doubt this varies from couple to couple. My comment has to do with a husband having zero input on what his wife may or may not wear. Sorry I think a husband has every right to have a say in this. This husband does ( me ). YMMV. I took it to this extreme on purpose to make the point that it depends on how extreme. The fact is few men want their wife to be available. Indeed some men will show off their wife in some settings and even invite other men to hit on their wife ... and so on.

Now to where we all mostly live ... the gray areas. Again I like my wife to look nice and sexy within reason. Always have. I have always been very secure. She has worn things while with me that would not be appropriate out on the town without me for sure.

So since the OP asked what guys think, I will suggest that if it matters to your husband ... it matters. This is something to work out with him.
I suspect what you were wearing was fine but I can't really tell from this thread. Your behavior and body language could have much to do with it. I probably had to be there like I said.

Be careful when you hear comments about him being controlling and to just ignore him and wear whatever you feel like. If my wife did this she could be single again real quick. But I chose well.

What kind of a place was this?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :rofl: And this OP wasn't dressed like a slvt. She wasn't trying to get men to look at her. gawdam. So a woman can't look cute unless she's on the prowl? Good grief. I like to look good. I like look good for my husband. He knows I am not trying to get guys' attention. He likes looking at me...and when I look hot, he likes it. Who wants a doudy wife?
> 
> 
> 
> *I like popped collars! *


That says much. 

So OP can you post some pictures so we can tell if you were cute or on the prowl?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Yes and no.
> 
> When a man says "you look like a slvt", that's a blow. No respectable woman wants to hear that. I assumed (so sue me) that the OP is a respectable woman or she'd already have told her husband to eff off...and not posted here, wondering if she did something wrong.
> 
> ...


I toally agree with this. I am sexually aroused by hot women. I like my woman to be hot but not too hot in public. This seems very normal and well adjusted. If a woman dresses in a very provactive manner it is her choice. I do not see women as helpless and clueless as you do in this example. Yes some women can make anything look good. But that is no excuse to wear things that are over the top. I mean you may be fine with sheer blouses while being braless. Most women are very capable of knowing where the boundaries should be. Couples should discuss these boundaries.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But it's a stupid double standard, Entropy. If men want hot women, then they need to shut up when their women look hot. She was with her man. And she looked cute. She posted pics already. It was NOT some hooker sexy outfit. It is in style and cute.


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

FalconKing said:


> Umm..i'm sure there was a nicer way to say that:yawn2:


I am sorry, but hey I am messed up too. That is why I am here. I like to keep it short and to the point. But to clarify I think she needs to work on her self esteem and after what he put her through he is lucky she is still around.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> But it's a stupid double standard, Entropy. If men want hot women, then they need to shut up when their women look hot. She was with her man. And she looked cute. She posted pics already. It was NOT some hooker sexy outfit. It is in style and cute.


My comment was general aimed at your general comment. 

There is a limit to how much I wish for my wife to share with other men. I think most couples can deal with this without drama. I do not see this as stupid at all though. I am not talking about a burqua and you are likely not talking about topless. Both are absurd. So somewhere there lies a reasonable area.

I wish I could tell what the OPs situation really was. I think it is awful for a husband to say his wife was dressed slvtty. That is a serious insult. Sounds like an @$$hole. But I do believe a husband has a say in this. Was he wrong? Perhaps. Perhaps a symptom of bigger issues. 

But come on. I mean I love watching my wife ride me cowboy. That is not a vision I want to share with other men. Is that a double standard. No.

I agree if she was just looking cute he is messed up.

It is a double standard if he hits on hot women but does not like hsi wife hit on. Is this what you mean? Maybe you mean if he is looking obviously at other women.

I am proud of my wife. I would not mind guys taking notice of my wife. That said, just like women do not like their husbands obviously looking at other women, many husband would not want guys gathering to gape at their wife. Some men like that. The issue is not cute and sassy.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Beautiful is in the eyes of the beholder.

I got the impression, OP, that your hubby thought you looked too attractive. Not to other guys... but to HIM. Meaning you were getting HIM all hot and bothered. He was envisioning that you had nothing on underneath the jacket. And "bam" he assumed all the other men were thinking the same thing. 

Good tip for a time when you can surprise him for lunch at his workplace, or some other spicy rendevous.... he thinks the jacket with nothing on underneath (even just the idea of it) is pretty HOT!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just think since he cheated, he's all messed up in what he wants and what he thinks. HE messed up so he thinks everyone will mess up.

Of course I don't think wives or gfs should go around struttin their stuff and presenting their asses :rofl: gawd.

But to call your spouse a slvt is...wow. She's not a child. She did not cheat. HE did.

Did you see the outfit, Entropy? The little romper but she wore it with tights and boots? yea. Hardly "cowboy" riding. lol. 

But what do I know. My husband likes when I dress up hot, but he also doesn't get the vibe that I do it for other guys.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

deejov said:


> Beautiful is in the eyes of the beholder.
> 
> I got the impression, OP, that your hubby thought you looked too attractive. Not to other guys... but to HIM. Meaning you were getting HIM all hot and bothered. He was envisioning that you had nothing on underneath the jacket. And "bam" he assumed all the other men were thinking the same thing.
> 
> Good tip for a time when you can surprise him for lunch at his workplace, or some other spicy rendevous.... he thinks the jacket with nothing on underneath (even just the idea of it) is pretty HOT!


I actually bet it was hot. Because it looke dlike she had nothing on underneath. I would have been ok with that.

I have posted before that my wife picked me up at the airport wearing nothing but one of my dress shirts.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I just think since he cheated, he's all messed up in what he wants and what he thinks. HE messed up so he thinks everyone will mess up.
> 
> Of course I don't think wives or gfs should go around struttin their stuff and presenting their asses :rofl: gawd.
> 
> But to call your spouse a slvt is...wow. She's not a child. She did not cheat. HE did.


Ok. We agree then.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I didn't think it was the actual outfit per say... but the impression of the jacket making it "look" like she wasn't wearing anything underneath it. Imagery that he couldn't get rid of. THAT crossed his personal barrier of "okay". 

I'd wear it again to pick him up somewhere LOL


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We were out for tea at a pub in town. I was with hubz, I didn't talk to a single other person nor make eye contact with anyone else. I didn't clock the guy hubz said was looking at me. I'm pretty shy. I don't go sxanning the room, I just look where I'm going.

Hubz says he regrets his choice of words. But that it looked like I wasn't wearing anything under my coat. Like if I wore a miniskirt. Says that style of clothing doesn't suit my personality. I said but if you think I look hot in a nice dress instead, then surely other men will think that, and still look, so what's the difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

The difference would be the mental movie he has in his head... of who knows what.... maybe some image of a hooker coming to his office naked underneath a jacket... it's personal obviously. You hit on something that revs his engine horribly. Go with it!!


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tobio said:


> We were out for tea at a pub in town. I was with hubz, I didn't talk to a single other person nor make eye contact with anyone else. I didn't clock the guy hubz said was looking at me. I'm pretty shy. I don't go sxanning the room, I just look where I'm going.
> 
> Hubz says he regrets his choice of words. But that it looked like I wasn't wearing anything under my coat. Like if I wore a miniskirt. Says that style of clothing doesn't suit my personality. I said but if you think I look hot in a nice dress instead, then surely other men will think that, and still look, so what's the difference?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok so with all due respect I think he was being more than a bit of a wanker.

Given this it was more than a poor choice of words. It makes me really wonder what he was thinking. Perhaps he has a classic Madonna Wh0re complex. Idunno. 

personally I would have thought that was hot and would have enjoyed it. It does not sound like you were the problem.

There is a difference between a women who looks really nice in a dress and one who gets attention because she is being provacative.

Women turn men's heads for different reasons. There is the OMG what a great looking woman and OMG what a hottie and the OMG I can't believe she is wearing that. The last one may even be a lustful look. My point is that a man looking is not just one thing. A look in my opinion is not always completely flattering. Lets call the latter a leer. Shades of gray.

So maybe this is part of the insight inot men. At least for me all looks are not equal.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> I actually bet it was hot. Because it looke dlike she had nothing on underneath. I would have been ok with that.
> 
> I have posted before that my wife picked me up at the airport wearing nothing but one of my dress shirts.


Which airport do you generally fly into?


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> Which airport do you generally fly into?


This was DFW. LOL.

Yeah but I was omitting a very important point. She stayed in her SUV. But it was very nice and a tad risky. She has met me in some provative dress from time to time, with zero complaint for me. As long as she is meeting me I am pretty good.

Last week though when she was there to pick me up in her convertible she said a couple of guys wanted to know if I did not show if they could come along with her.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If I wore my husband's dress shirt...omg...it would show what I own! :rofl: That's hot though. 

But men will look no matter what. I had a guy whistle one day when I was in a hoodie and jeans. The hell? Whatever.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Reassure your man that it's just for him and to feel good about yourself. He had an EA though? He could be projecting. Maybe he dressed better when in the affair so he assumes that about you. Just reassure him and do what you do. Don't end up in sweats and overalls.


I thought this too - just couldn't formulate the words constructively. Must have needed more caffeine when posting last. 

I agree with this sentiment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This was DFW. LOL.
> 
> Yeah but I was omitting a very important point. She stayed in her SUV. But it was very nice and a tad risky. She has met me in some provative dress from time to time, with zero complaint for me. As long as she is meeting me I am pretty good.
> 
> Last week though when she was there to pick me up in her convertible she said a couple of guys wanted to know if I did not show if they could come along with her.


Dang, my luck. Intercontinental is home base for us. I will think of this next trip. And we usually just stop by Waffle House on the way home. 4 and 7 year-old in the back seat so its probably better that way, I guess.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I think we're okay. We had a bit of a struggle understanding each other. I think if he'd said more previously about what he likes me to wear then we'd be more on the same page.

The dress he said he liked me wearing was similar to i ASOS Petite | ASOS PETITE Pencil Dress In Wiggle Shape at ASOS 

I really like the 50s vibe in clothing and dress so that's good.

He apologised for the use of the word slvtty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

FrenchFry said:


> Women are more likely to either been a victim in an abusive relationship and/or know someone who has been in one and are **willing to speak up about it.**
> 
> Because of this more women, especially women who have been victims or closely intertwined with a victim and were able to escape, these women tend to *intricately* know the signs of a borderline/abusive relationship, mostly to avoid another such relationship and to prevent other women from entering such a relationship. These women are vocal for a good reason.
> 
> ...


Yes, lets go with the healthy notion that most men are bound to get abusive and tell the sister what is what at the first perceived signs of it.

And if you go back, the language wasn't that he is exhibiting signs of a potential abuser. The expressions used were that this action on his part was abusive.

I dislike when people overuse such terms. It voids the meaning and makes people just dismiss real claims of that despicable behavior. Nowadays whenever a guy raises his voice the "sisterhood" cries "abuse". No matter if the woman was already screaming her lungs out and even getting physical. 


Also, we don't know what were the exact expressions and the demeanor the guy used. We get what he meant by what the op posted. I think you will find that these often matter a lot.

And for the record, unfortunately, there is nothing, and i mean nothing, you can teach me about "abuse patterns" and abusive men. This is why some women's way of talking about abuse concerning ridiculous "nonevents" annoys the hell out of me. They don't have a clue about what abuse is or looks like. 

That and the use of the word to intimidate weaker men into not defending their own in an exchange of words.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

tobio said:


> I think we're okay. We had a bit of a struggle understanding each other. I think if he'd said more previously about what he likes me to wear then we'd be more on the same page.
> 
> The dress he said he liked me wearing was similar to i ASOS Petite | ASOS PETITE Pencil Dress In Wiggle Shape at ASOS
> 
> ...


He may be in trouble, cuz that will still get some looks, specially if you look anything like that model.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

DayDream, that some horrible crap, not even hot IMO. In fact i think her original outfit was hotter than that.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

costa200 said:


> DayDream, that some horrible crap, not even hot IMO. In fact i think her original outfit was hotter than that.


:rofl:

I picked the most ridiculous thing I could find.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

DayDream said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I picked the most ridiculous thing I could find.


Mission accomplished!


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Didn't want to get banned so I deleted it. LOL


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

costa200 said:


> *OP asked for an insight into the male mind. Instead she mostly got the sisterhood version of husband bashing with the throwing of the usual adjectives, including "abusive"... Holy cow, dude has an opinion on the way his wife is dressing and he is "abusive"!*
> 
> When you girls wonder why many men don't communicate and don't offer their opinion, this is why. You're not interested in it. They know it, so why they risk having a sh!tstorm over it?
> 
> ...


It would have been nice to see some of the women here teach Tobio how to confront her husband in a constructive way and without going into conflict to solve the issue between the two of them to do with her husband’s choice (bad choice) of words. Maybe like a wise elder sister, mother or aunt would.

Instead I see what happened as a “toxic friends” thing with the women instead of helping her in her situation they demonised her husband. This the guy who has taken on her two children and is the bread winner in the family. And as sure as eggs are eggs back comes Tobio with something her H did wrt her clothing over a year ago and long before they got married. And if that sort of thing keeps up Tobio will be separated from her second husband and looking for her third and she’s yet in her forties.

Marriage needs work. And husbands and wives do screw up and sometimes they screw up really big time. We must learn during these times how to manage conflict, how to effectively apologise and how most importantly to forgive!


And blow me down her H has agreed it was a bad choice of words and apologised! A storm in a tea cup! But I do wonder if Tobio has forgiven him (it does take effort to forgive Tobio) or if she’s stacked this one up against him just like she has the others.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lol Toxic friends 

No one said to divorce him, at least not that I read. We just said she did nothing wrong.

being called a slvt by your husband isn't exactly awesome, especially when you dress cute for him.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> lol Toxic friends
> 
> No one said to divorce him, at least not that I read. We just said she did nothing wrong.
> 
> being called a slvt by your husband isn't exactly awesome, especially when you dress cute for him.


It's the very definition of toxic friends. It's people who throw petrol on the fire instead of helping to put the fire out!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Who put petrol on the fire? Who, with any credibility, did anything wrong? Telling her she did nothing wrong is not a crime. HE cheated on her. So now we need to tell her to have compassion because he's projecting his insecurity? Ok. It would be different if SHE had cheated and now he's insecure, blah blah. Fine. I would have told her differently. But he cheated and now he's betching about how she dresses. What else can he do that is "ok" and not worthy of her feeling good about herself?

So anyone who says DIVORCE! in the infidelity threads are also toxic friends. By your definition, they are.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Perhaps the OP started dressing cuter because HE DID CHEAT so she wants to feel good and cute again. To keep HIS attention. Buuuut NO! he doesn't want her to look good because other men will look  So he can cheat and say she looks slvtty because he has a MESSED up conscious, so she can feel more insecure, which will keep her with him because she'll question herself because of his words. 

I've been there. Have you? it sucks. Forgive me for wanting to give the OP a bit of strength. How should she confront her husband? I think I mentioned that earlier......reassure him that you are dressing for him and not for males' attention. But there is no crime in looking cute. The main reason that his radar is peaked is because he is guilty.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SoxFan said:


> Tobio,
> Some guys don't mind it when their wives/gfs get some eyeballs on them when they are out but I'm more along the lines of your husband where I'm not crazy about it. *I like her to look good when we go out......but not too good.*


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Like women are some object to control.

Gawdam. This thread makes me ill.

I'd never dream of treating my husband this way...telling him to "look good but not too good". Gross. I want him to look hot. Hot as hell. It gets me goin


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If I was with a man who said I looked "slvtty" for wearing a cute outfit I'd be pissed. "Slvtty" isn't exactly a term of endearment.

There is another thread going on TAM rigt now about a man who can't get his wife to dress up at all for him. Funny. Different strokes.

And granted, I know there is a thin line between cute/classy looking clothes and "too short" or "too low" or things like that but the outfit Tobio posted has NOTHING wrong with it. It's adorable.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not like it was a Kardashian outfit. LOL.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Like women are some object to control.
> 
> Gawdam. This thread makes me ill.
> 
> I'd never dream of treating my husband this way...telling him to "look good but not too good". Gross. I want him to look hot. Hot as hell. It gets me goin


Maybe this is another difference between men and women. We are different.

Looking good is fine. Looking hot is fine within reason. Looking slvtty is not fine. Few men want their wife to look that way in public. Looking slvtty is not looking good.

A marriage is a partnership. What one person does impacts the other. My comment has nothing to do with the OP. Drawing extra attention in an overtly sexual way is NOT preferred by all men. Some men like that. Indeed men who treat women as objects often feel that way. It is about them showing off their wife as a sexual object.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> Who put petrol on the fire? Who, with any credibility, did anything wrong? Telling her she did nothing wrong is not a crime. *HE cheated on her.* So now we need to tell her to have compassion because he's projecting his insecurity? Ok. It would be different if SHE had cheated and now he's insecure, blah blah. Fine. I would have told her differently. But he cheated and now he's betching about how she dresses. What else can he do that is "ok" and not worthy of her feeling good about herself?
> 
> So anyone who says DIVORCE! in the infidelity threads are also toxic friends. By your definition, they are.



See how it builds up? It happens in marriages.


Toxic friends can't let go of the past even if the person who's been wronged has. It is in this way that those past offences are kept alive and kicking in the present in the mind of the offended , by toxic friends who keep bringing it up.


To kind of make their point. To prove that they are right.



When really the thing to do is to help her resolve the issue with her H such that he doesn't repeat the same offence, they both learn something and grow, he appologises and he's forgiven. That's the way to move on without resentment. Works much better if you play forfeits. 


With your way she's just going to go through her married life piling her backpack with resentment. Eventually that resentment will put love into the shadows because it sure as heck can't grow when resentments around.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SpinDaddy said:


> Dang, my luck. Intercontinental is home base for us. I will think of this next trip. And we usually just stop by Waffle House on the way home. 4 and 7 year-old in the back seat so its probably better that way, I guess.


I avoid the Waffle house. I generally treat my wife to a steak dinner when I return ... depedning on what she is wearing or not wearing of course.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

OK AFEH. 

I meant no malice. I just think it's funny that he gets to call all the shots.

Go talk about being toxic in the infertility threads. No one should be talking about divorce in there...and I see a TON of crazy posts about PIs, divorce, etc within the first few posts.

It's cool. She said that she and her husband "made up" . So yay for them.


----------



## elisha_parker (Oct 1, 2012)

countrybumpkin said:


> The outfit you described and showed to us is completely appropriate. It's not short enough to show your butt, you had tights on, and boots. You were covered. I could understand if you were wearing a dress that came up to your hooha and some boots that went up just as far.
> 
> With that said, it seems like your husband does have an issue with other men looking at you. In this case, I would almost take it as a compliment...almost. He sees that other men are taking interest and is genuinely bothered by the potential competition (though, you're already married...so I think the contest is over).
> 
> It does get annoying when you try to look good for your husband and he takes it as you're trying to look good for everyone else. I guess he only wants to see you that way at home.


Like it


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If I was with a man who said I looked "slvtty" for wearing a cute outfit I'd be pissed. "Slvtty" isn't exactly a term of endearment.
> 
> There is another thread going on TAM rigt now about a man who can't get his wife to dress up at all for him. Funny. Different strokes.
> 
> And granted, I know there is a thin line between cute/classy looking clothes and "too short" or "too low" or things like that but the outfit Tobio posted has NOTHING wrong with it. It's adorable.


There is a whole lot of gray between being naked and wearing a burqua. 

I like my wife to dress sexy, but not too sexy. I am not alone and in fact I contend I am well within the mainstream of married men over the age of 30.

Indeed there are different strokes but the whole abuse thing is a two way street. Indeed we can agree that women tend to show more skin when they are on the make and / or want to draw attention.

A woman does not have to dress like a hooker to look very good and very hot. 

In no way am I suggesting that the OP dressed inappropriately.

I think all too often it comes down to a whatever a woman wants to do is just fine.

Let's see, Her husband is not her dad. That is popular with young women who have not been gone very long from daddy.

Of course we have the jealous. insecure and controlling comments.

But the big one is abusive. I agree the husband comment here was abusive. No argument. If she was dressed so poorly to him why did they go out at all.

Trust me a woman is abusing her husband IF she insists on putting herself out there for other men. One way of doing this is how she dresses and how she interacts with other men.

For sure the way a woman ups her sex rank is by showing more skin. Some women feel the need to show more skin to draw attention. Others do not have to to look good.

So yeah, I want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed. 

To me this is just more misguided feminist agenda where men just have to be ok with whatever a woman feels like doing. I say she can do that and stay single.

JB, my comments are not directed at you. 

But really to suggets a husband does not have the right to care how his wife dresses in public. Some men do not care.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

A woman can be sexy as all hell by dressing like a lady. Heads will still turn and that's ok 

I'm glad the OP and her H made up. I just hope it doesn't continue...


----------



## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

tobio said:


> He rarely makes comments about what I wear. I have said previously I would like him to, say, tell me when he thinks I look good but it's this old, old thing where he thinks I know he thinks I look nice without him ever saying it.
> 
> Like he mentioned a dress I wore last week, he told me I looked beautiful and I should wear stuff like that. He never said a WORD at the time.
> 
> ...


Sorry I only skimmed the replies.... I read this to be his own quilt over the EA. he could be worried about his own security in the marriage thinking other men are looking. Now all of a sudden he thinks you are dressing slvtty?? 
FWIW, I didn't think that outfit was at all.

ETA: Oops, I just saw in the above post that you made up. Disregard


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> OK AFEH.
> 
> I meant no malice. I just think it's funny that he gets to call all the shots.
> 
> ...


But you see there is absolutely no way I’m convinced they’ve made up. Why? Because she wont have forgiven him. And because of that, that issue, that event in the pub in November of 2012 will always be in her mind and ready to recall at any moment.

People who aren’t natural forgivers have to learn how to do it. Even natural forgivers like me at times have to put ourselves very consciously and deliberately through the process of forgiving.

People think forgiving is for the offender, for the person who committed the offence. In some ways it is, most especially if they are remorseful, apologise and ask to be forgiven.


But in the main forgiveness is for the person who is doing the forgiving, for the person who has been offended against. Why? Well in Tobio’s case it’s so that the love between the two of them can grow and get stronger. It’s such that from the love she feels for him she can keep on doing her loving actions. It’s such that he can move on in full confidence in his role as breadwinner that he is indeed not only forgiven but truly valued and appreciated.

Her forgiveness is also for her children. Such that her children also learn how to relieve themselves of resentment such that they can go forward in life full of expectation and confidence. And it’s also to do with making her marriage a successful and very long term one such that the two of them grow old together.


You know where Tobio lives, in that country TWENTY-FIVE PERCENT of families are single parent. That’s a MASSIVE statistic.

I think most of those people are “victims”. Sure they had a hard time but they become long terms victims by not forgiving. These people need knew life skills and forgiveness is right their at the core of all successful marriages, it’s the very foundation, one of the pillars that long term marriages are built on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> There is a whole lot of gray between being naked and wearing a burqua.


I agree. And that made me laugh :rofl:



Entropy3000 said:


> Indeed there are different strokes but the whole abuse thing is a two way street.


Whoa. I did no throw the word "abuse" in any of my posts above at all. I did say that calling your wife "slvtty" is fcked up. 



Entropy3000 said:


> A woman does not have to dress like a hooker to look very good and very hot.


Agreed and also, again, nowhere in my post did I say a woman has to dress like a hooker to look good. 



Entropy3000 said:


> Trust me a woman is abusing her husband IF she insists on putting herself out there for other men. One way of doing this is how she dresses and how she interacts with other men.


Ok but the thread topic is about how she wore a playsuit and her husband called her "slvtty." 

Sidenote: if a man gets with a woman who does "insists on putting herself out there for other men in how she dresses and how she interacts his men" then that is on him. He shoulda known who he was about to marry efore he wifed her. 

But I'm getting offtopic. 



Entropy3000 said:


> So yeah, I want a lady in the street and a freak in the bed.


As most men do. Just as most women want a gentleman in the street and a freak in the bed. 



Entropy3000 said:


> To me this is just more misguided feminist agenda where men just have to be ok with whatever a woman feels like doing. I say she can do that and stay single.


Uh, again, my post was talking about how her husband's comment was mean, the playsuit was fine, and how there is a vast difference with dressing up classy vs. trashy. Maybe your post is meant to be interpreted differently but it seems ike you're trying to find loops in what I've said or making something out of it that I did not mean? :scratchhead:


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For me, and this is just me, I forgive and that forgiveness gets stronger over time when the issue doesn't repeat. Does that make sense? I'm probably using the wrong words.

I feel her husband is still reeling from his own issues with the affair and assumes everyone is like him, hence his words and wanting to make her question herself. It's not nice.

He apologized, which I guess is good...unless it was a crappy apology.

Time will tell. I hope this is the last of the issues for them regarding this.


----------



## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

:iagree:, what you say makes sense. For me personally, I should have just read more of the thread before replying


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> For me, and this is just me, I forgive and that forgiveness gets stronger over time when the issue doesn't repeat. Does that make sense? I'm probably using the wrong words.
> 
> I feel her husband is still reeling from his own issues with the affair and assumes everyone is like him, hence his words and wanting to make her question herself. It's not nice.
> 
> ...


Yes, it does make sense. With me once I’ve forgiven that’s it, done and dusted. It’s to do with wanting to spend my energy in the present and future and when I look back to just recall the good things. 

In it’s own way what happened was a shet test. Something unexpected that hurt very much.


We all know it happens. Nobody on the planet is perfect. The unexpected and deep hurts can’t I think be avoided in a marriage. It’s impossible to avoid them.

And rather ironically the deeper the love that’s there, the deeper the pain we feel. If we didn’t feel any love then we’d probably feel a little offended but move on very quickly.


So it’s very much more to do with how we handle the shet tests that come our way than the contents of the shet tests themselves.

I actually think shet tests are only ever resolved when they’re worked on, understood, forgiven and eventually forgotten. That’s how I got through mine anyway.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I feel I have to address a few issues that have been mentioned here.

First - I have not been married before. I was in a LTR with the father of my oldest children. He was young, had/has an alcohol problem and a spending problem. He used to spend our grocery money on drinking, would just not come home from uni because he'd go drinking, he'd skive work to go drinking and not tell me. I never knew where he was half the time. He was terrible with money which I didn't realise at first. He racked up debt and kept on doing it even when I bailed him out. I stopped and he continued. By the time he left, it hardly made any difference because he was never at home anyway. My then youngest was 8 months old.

FWIW he did exactly the same thing to his subsequent wife.

I *have* forgiven him for his EA. Bob I think we are at crossed purposes here. I'm not going to lie to look good - what he did had a profound effect on me and I haven't gotten over that. The after-effects if you like. My self-esteem took a huge hit. No, massive actually. I did switch up how I dressed. I didn't look bad before really. But I thought I had to keep up because in my head it was MY fault. I still question if he finds me attractive. You know, yes he took on my children and he works to support us. But I know how much he adores his children and a little part of me wonders if he is only with me because of them. He was brought up by his mum and never had his dad around and never wanted that for his children.

Hubz is not the talkative type. It is like getting blood from a stone. Most of the time I am guessing stuff and putting pieces together. I saw what kind of outfits got his attention and so used that to update what I was wearing. Thus the story about the shorts on holiday. That wasn't berating him, that was me thinking I can't do anything right. And again with this. I was genuinely going out to look good for him. I don't think there is a person that knows me that would describe me as slvtty so to hear it from him was like a slap round the face.

What I was seeing was this: cute hot girls in cute clothes get his attention. The kind of attention I DON'T get. So I dress cute and hot and it is NOT what he wants. Okay. See the problem? Other girls are privy to that kind of attention from him but somehow, I am not allowed it. The kind of thing he was attracted to in his EA and that attracts his attention everyday he does not associate with me. He never says I look hot, or do I get "that" look, or that kind of attention.

And what I get told is that I'm not SUPPOSED to look like that. Can you see how it is confusing? There is NOTHING I can do to get that attention from him. It isn't confidence-boosting to know he lusts after others but not me. This is what I was thinking.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'd never dream of treating my husband this way...telling him to "look good but not too good". Gross. I want him to look hot. Hot as hell. It gets me goin


This made me laugh, not at you, but b/c I recently experienced this. I bought a black shirt and wore it to dinner with my wife and kids. I guess I looked "too good"  b/c it bugged the hell out of her. She kept looking me up and down, and then grilled me most of the night...why did you buy a black shirt...are you trying to pick up women or something...you think you're hot now, or something...that's not like what you wear, what's got into you?

I don't know if this is more of a "man" issue, or just a low self-esteem person issue.

And...no, I've never cheated on her.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> This made me laugh, not at you, but b/c I recently experienced this. I bought a black shirt and wore it to dinner with my wife and kids. I guess I looked "too good"  b/c it bugged the hell out of her. She kept looking me up and down, and then grilled me most of the night...why did you buy a black shirt...are you trying to pick up women or something...you think you're hot now, or something...that's not like what you wear, what's got into you?
> 
> I don't know if this is more of a "man" issue, or just a low self-esteem person issue.
> 
> And...no, I've never cheated on her.


Why is she so suspicious? Usually suspicious people have guilty minds.


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Why is she so suspicious? Usually suspicious people have guilty minds.


Good question. She hasn't cheated as far as I know, but I suspect that she has guilt from crossing or almost crossing emotional lines/boundaries. Also, very low self-esteem and father abandonment issues. I'll stop here before I hijack the thread. 

I've explained my nightmare in my threads if you're really interested.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> I feel I have to address a few issues that have been mentioned here.
> 
> First - I have not been married before. I was in a LTR with the father of my oldest children. He was young, had/has an alcohol problem and a spending problem. He used to spend our grocery money on drinking, would just not come home from uni because he'd go drinking, he'd skive work to go drinking and not tell me. I never knew where he was half the time. He was terrible with money which I didn't realise at first. He racked up debt and kept on doing it even when I bailed him out. I stopped and he continued. By the time he left, it hardly made any difference because he was never at home anyway. My then youngest was 8 months old.
> 
> ...


It looks like your H has not only not got a decent role model for a husband and father, he doesn’t have any role model at all. So your H will not have experienced what a happy and healthy marriage with children looks like. Plus he stepped right into a ready made “family” and then had two more children. And he’s supporting you all, it’s a wonder he’s still breathing!

From your side I don’t know about your childhood, but you come from a broken LTR.

So basically you both come from somewhat dysfunctional backgrounds. As an aside I think this is happening more and more in the UK as time goes by.


But what on earth can you do about it? How on earth can you get to learn what the ingredients and dynamics of a healthy marriage/family are? Take a look at The Marriage Course - Explore the Marriage Course | Alpha USA and Relationship Central: Find out More. I know they run the course in England and I believe they’re free. I’ve met a husband and wife who run them and they are seriously high quality, learned people. It is not necessary to believe in God to attend. I think it’s a couple of hours a week for seven weeks.


I really can’t see that you could make a better investment in your marriage and your children. When you learn and implement the things taught on the course, your children will pick up on them and they too will know the ingredients and dynamics of a happy and healthy marriage which will last them and their children a lifetime. Believe me it will get passed down the generations and you and your H can be the source, the font from where it all began.


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well my parents have been married for a looooong time. I was brought up in a stable two-parent household. I can safely say I have recognised patterns of behaviour inherited from both parents. My mum in particular waa quite conflict avoidant with my dad who had a bad temper. A lot of time waz spent keeping him happy rather than dealing with issues. I grew up feeling I had to always be "nice" and had no confidence to assert myself at all. As a result I was bullied at school.

I tie my self-worth into how people treat me. It is something I became aware of and have worked on correcting. It is difficult. I often find it difficult to separate people's actions and their intentions and it being about me. 

What that_girl said about forgiveness becoming stronger after time passes. I get that. Trouble is hubz freely admits he acts before he thinks a lot of the time. It leads to sticky situations which get repeated and I feel not listened to or valued enough for him to work on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just think about when H left me. After he came back, he apologized and I forgave him (after 3 months of talking it out) and I truly forgave him, but the more time passed where he was showing he wouldn't do it again, the forgiveness became stronger...now, I dont' even worry like I did at first. Time is going forward.

If Tobio's husband apologized sincerely, then that's a start. But if he pulls this crap again (not controlling his choice of words), she won't trust his apologies.

If I slap you and apologize, then slap you again and say "I'm sorry" again....then slap you a while later, then my apologies mean shet.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> Well my parents have been married for a looooong time. I was brought up in a stable two-parent household. I can safely say I have recognised patterns of behaviour inherited from both parents. My mum in particular waa quite conflict avoidant with my dad who had a bad temper. A lot of time waz spent keeping him happy rather than dealing with issues. I grew up feeling I had to always be "nice" and had no confidence to assert myself at all. As a result I was bullied at school.
> 
> I tie my self-worth into how people treat me. It is something I became aware of and have worked on correcting. It is difficult. I often find it difficult to separate people's actions and their intentions and it being about me.
> 
> ...


Your sense of self-worth should come, well from your self. Not from other people. Others can sure make us feel good (or bad) but no way should we let others define our worth.


It’s the same with self-esteem. That prefix of self is exceptionally important. In essence it’s the image with have of our self. Some have a good image of themselves, others a bad image. Others images of themselves can be totally inaccurate, both good and bad! For example a really good and competent person can have a bad self image/esteem.

We get our self-esteem from “doing things”. The more successful we are at what we do, the better our self-esteem.

So in your case I would suggest you ramp your game up. Become a leader and lead your marriage into a better place (it’s what we tell the men to do in the Men’s Clubhouse).

To become a leader you need a vision. And you need to inspire and motivate and be consultative and understanding of other’s (your H’s) needs. You also need to be ambitious and looking far into the future to a time when you no longer have your children at home and you are wondering what to do with your life. It’s all there for the taking but you have to do things and get outside your comfort zone.

I’m more than willing to help you but you’ve got to want to do it Tobio as opposed to betching and moaning about things. Believe me that will never improve things but it will make them a whole lot worse.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

My husband doesn't even want me showing any cleavage...I mean even if it's a long sleeve shirt that happens to be a V-Neck and a tiny bit of cleavage is showing he says, "You're not going out in that are you?"


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Your sense of self-worth should come, well from your self. Not from other people. Others can sure make us feel good (or bad) but no way should we let others define our worth.
> 
> 
> It’s the same with self-esteem. That prefix of self is exceptionally important. In essence it’s the image with have of our self. Some have a good image of themselves, others a bad image. Others images of themselves can be totally inaccurate, both good and bad! For example a really good and competent person can have a bad self image/esteem.
> ...


The self-worth issue is fortunately something I now recognise. It's breaking out of that way of thinking that takes time and conscious effort. I keep plugging away. Sometimes I have moments of depression but I work to control that with positive thinking. That is also a conscious effort, I think from my dad I am a cynical person as he was.

I have actually tried to guide hubz into being the leader. I am quite dominant at times. This strangely goes against my core personality of being shy and retiring, but I am quite focussed with long-term plans practically. For example I have a three year plan surrounding my career choice, I worked it out and ran through it with hubz for his thoughts. I am working on financial plans tied in with this towards saving for a deposit on a house. 

There is other stuff but I see as of now that I WILL have to be the one to lead. Hubz has aspirations but I am the one that can work out the practical stuff looking forwards. He has ideas but doesn't do anything to put them into practice. He kind of coasts along, all laid back, never making plans.

Within the marriage, I have thought and worked on me and us, I have read, we have done counselling. You know, I do moan. It is frustrating because after something comes up, we sift through it. If it's on his part, I get an apology and he swears he gets whatever it is. And a lot of the time he does it again later on down the line.

I kind of "reset" after something's happened. I think, okay, he gets it, trust in what he's saying and move on. So I do. And when it happens again, I am the one who is blamed! It's my fault for not reminding him, he doesn't remember ever talking about it, etc. I would have so much more respect if he did actually take stuff on board like he says he will. And every time I feel taken advantage of because of my good nature. He has even said that before, that he doesn't know how I put up with him sometimes.

On my part... Well he says I am high maintenance. I get that. He thinks I am complicated. I don't think I am. I am conscious of how I come across and it isn't always how I would like though. I work on that as well and it is a work in progress.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

As time goes on, I increasingly enjoy when I see a guy checking out my wife. However, people can think differently about this based on what's going on in your relationship or within himself.

I'm speculating but I might feel threatened by my wife dressing 'hot' if I, for example, lost my job or felt that our relationship was not in a good place.


----------

