# When Enough is just Enough!!



## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

I posted this in another thread but I have not gotten much feedback there. Sorry for the long post but I'm trying to give as much detail as possible.

My husband and i have been married for 3 years and together for 4 years.

I have never been done so wrong in my entire life. i feel like this whole marriage was some kind of punishment. but I only have myself to blame for allowing it for so long.

This man has cheated on me so much with the same woman that it has me feeling like crap and used. This woman would constantly call my cellular looking for my husband because of some promise that he had made to her. They have been together for 12 years and I am his second marriage (she is not his first wife). So basically, he has gotten married on this woman twice. It was kind of hard at first to believe that he actually had something with her because he came home every night. Boy o boy did I learn the hard way that coming home every night means nothing.

We had broken up over this woman for about 5 months and I took him back (not to mention all the times we have had short term break ups over this). When we got back together things seemed really weird. He would come home late and on the weekends he would be gone from about 8 in the morning until midnight without even calling or anything. So I complained about it because we were spending no time together (not that we did much of that anyway) and he tried to stop. I had this gut feeling that he was still seeing her and my gut feeling was right.

Our anniversary just passed and he knew there was no way of escaping that day because i took off of work. we were together all day and night and here comes the phone call from her the next morning. She said that she had been seeing him all week and I knew that she was not lying because she told me what color underwear he had on the day before our anniversary. I knew it!! i just couldn't prove it. He was so distant with me, he would not make love to me and he didn't even want me to touch him. he ended up cursing her out again like he'd always do but it meant nothing, because he'd end right back up with her again.

Foolishly, I stayed and for about two weeks my soul just didn't feel right. He just does't have it in him to appease my mind from all of this. after a week went by, he just couldn't take it anymore and he left the home at 10:30a and came home at 3a. I was so upset with him!! So he tells me that he was out so late because he ran into my ex (which was way before his time) and he figured that my ex had called me and told me where he was. and i blasted him so bad for trying to turn things around on me that he packed and left.

I have had enough and I just need to get past this but it's so hard because we are married. Every time I took him back, I tried desperately to put this behind me, (without his help) but it was so hard with his constant mood changes, not wanting to do anything together and the constant sneakiness with his phone and just him being sneaky period. I never hounded him with my insecurities because I knew that eventually that would make him tired and leave. But I didn't have to because our happiness was always short lived anyway. He would be alright for close to a week and then he's back in his moods again. And then here comes the mistress again.

Somehow, I feel like I really meant nothing to him because he cannot let this woman go. I know he married me and I know that he loves me but it's just not enough to let her go. And the funny thing in all of this is, he seems to think that he put in so much work for this marriage hahaha.

I definitely have no intentions on going back EVER!!!!!!

Thanks for reading.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, you're not really asking any questions that require feedback, so what are you looking for?

Your husband is an asshat, you should have dumped him and kept him dumped long ago, and it's time for you to get on with your life without him. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

you're right! i guess i'm looking for someone to tell me what i already know. i should have dumped the loser a long time ago and that he will never change.

i'm just down in the dumps and in need of a pick me up.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Do you have your next steps planned? Any kids or property to worry about? Are you self-sufficient?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Next the cheat. Period. 

... Nothing else to add but so sorry for you. 


Once he's flushed, you'll feel a ton of bricks off your back. Happiness will return and you'll be a bit wiser. The next guy will be lucky to have you.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

Yes, I am self-sufficient. But he has left me with a sh!t load full of bills. So, right now I am working on how I'm going to get back on my feet from this. We have no children together. THANK GOD for that!! and no property to worry about. If there was a place that can divorce us for free, I'd be there in two seconds. I believe that's where the slump is coming from?



PBear said:


> Do you have your next steps planned? Any kids or property to worry about? Are you self-sufficient?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

The real Q is when do you say it's enough?

Ask yourself why do you put up with being cheated on?
Why do you take second place to his OW.
Why are you putting up with his behaviour?
Why don't you feel that you deserve better than him?

He can only get away with what you allow him to get away with. And he'll treat you the way you allow him to.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, yes D cost money. With his cooperation it can be very cheap. I think once you speak with several lawyers, and have a plan, your "down in the dumps" feeling with fade as your resolve will take over. 

Be strong.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you taking responsibility for the debt? Any assets that can help offset that?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

trinmir said:


> She said that she had been seeing him all week and I knew that she was not lying because she told me what color underwear he had on the day before our anniversary. I knew it!! i just couldn't prove it.


 If she knows what color his underwear was, then his relationship with her includes him taking off his pants. What more proof do you need?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Depending on your state -- For cheap D, you might come to an agreement with him for everything outside of court. With lawyers instructions, Have him sign docs and tell him he does not need be involved with anything else. And his debts are his.

The lawyer will then move for a default D as he does not show up or otherwise respond. The lawyer will document matters have already been settled and agreed to. No kids? Perfect.

Cost? Under $1,000. Had some friends who did this. He Divorced her. His total cost was $600. So there are ways.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

No assets, nothing together at all. and everything is in my name so he doesn't have a care in the world. he has left me stuck like this so many times and I have come out on top each time. this time it's a little harder because I have pretty much exhausted all of my resources.

He has money but he will not help pay his portion of the bills that he left. Hell, i could barely get him to pay his portion when he was there. too busy taking care of the other woman. I don't even know if I can call her that because although he was there with me and came home every night, I kind of feel like I was the other woman.




PBear said:


> Why are you taking responsibility for the debt? Any assets that can help offset that?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I would have a party hes finally gone.... I cant believe how badly he treated you, and worse you let him.

Be thankful hes gone and you can finally meet someone who deserves you.


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## 10th Engineer Harrison (Dec 11, 2013)

Get yourself a lawyer and get a divorce.

He is 50% responsible for the marital debt.

On the other hand, if it isn't a lot, it might be easiest 2 just cut your losses.

Whatever you do, cut him out of your life for keeps. Don't let him talk his way back. This was never a healthy relationship. 

Learn 2 value yourself without having 2 have someone else 2 buoy you up. There's a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude can be very peaceful and fulfilling, especially without jerkwads disrupting your peace.

-ol' 2long


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When you file for divorce, you can hand him his share of the bills, if you care to. He is responsible for half of them, in most cases. Whether it's worth the fight is a different story. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

trinmir said:


> you're right! i guess i'm looking for someone to tell me what i already know. i should have dumped the loser a long time ago and that he will never change.
> 
> i'm just down in the dumps and in need of a pick me up.


To your credit, you tried to make it work. He failed you.

To be sure, you feel like crap now, but you have much better times and much better men aheadnof you. Try to look forward to that. A few years from now and this drop will be a faded memory.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

You know, I asked myself all of the above. I even included, what made me fall in love and what made me stay in love. 

The answer to your questions is, when your in love you only see what you want to to see. The answer to questions is nothing. I came up with nothing. I tried to write down all the good things and came up with nothing. 0



lovelyblue said:


> The real Q is when do you say it's enough?
> 
> Ask yourself why do you put up with being cheated on?
> Why do you take second place to his OW.
> ...


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

That's funny!!! He feels like he put in the work. Thank you for the encouraging words. I need it:smthumbup:



thatbpguy said:


> To your credit, you tried to make it work. He failed you.
> 
> To be sure, you feel like crap now, but you have much better times and much better men aheadnof you. Try to look forward to that. A few years from now and this drop will be a faded memory.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

You are absolutely right!! And he really tried to argue me down that she was lying. As if I didn't pay attention to what color underwear he had on.



TRy said:


> If she knows what color his underwear was, then his relationship with her includes him taking off his pants. What more proof do you need?


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

Thank you so much for the info.

QUOTE=Q tip;10137362]Depending on your state -- For cheap D, you might come to an agreement with him for everything outside of court. With lawyers instructions, Have him sign docs and tell him he does not need be involved with anything else. And his debts are his.

The lawyer will then move for a default D as he does not show up or otherwise respond. The lawyer will document matters have already been settled and agreed to. No kids? Perfect.

Cost? Under $1,000. Had some friends who did this. He Divorced her. His total cost was $600. So there are ways.[/QUOTE]


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Trinmir 

I'm sorry about your situation. I couldn't even make it past the fourth paragraph without knowing what you must do. It was too painful to read.

Please, just get a shark lawyer, protect your interests, learn and do the 180. Next, simultaneously, serve him divorce papers, expose the affair, and go dark on him. Get away from this toxic husband and don't ever let him back into your life. Don't even give him a chance to apologize to you, just get away. 

Get some individual counseling to help you heal and don't ever consider reconciliation with this guy. Some spouses are long past the point of no return and your husband is one of them. I really hope we hear back from you in a short while telling us how you got rid of this guy. Good luck.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

Yes, I will do all of the above. And I will definitely keep you all posted. 



commonsenseisn't said:


> Trinmir
> 
> I'm sorry about your situation. I couldn't even make it past the fourth paragraph without knowing what you must do. It was too painful to read.
> 
> ...


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

trinmir

I know it hard to let go of someone you love however in your situation it maybe better for you-(& ur health) if you do let him go.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I just wanted to chime in as a fellow BW to support you and let you know that you have been heard.

He doesn't love you and never could. He loves only himself. 

I also wanted to say that while this situation didn't happen to me, it did happen to someone to whom I am close -- the wayward husband in question was married, divorced his first wife, moved on to my loved one, and all the time - over YEARS - he had the same mistress. 

Each woman, when she left, was subjected to a smear campaign punctuated by the wayward-in-question's pathetic attempts to get her back. Just so you know what you might, unfortunately, have to expect.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

lololololololol and the attempts be pointless because there is no way I could believe that he will not still be involved with her. I believed him too many times before.



dignityhonorpride said:


> I just wanted to chime in as a fellow BW to support you and let you know that you have been heard.
> 
> He doesn't love you and never could. He loves only himself.
> 
> ...


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

so true!!



lovelyblue said:


> trinmir
> 
> I know it hard to let go of someone you love however in your situation it maybe better for you-(& ur health) if you do let him go.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Trinmir, I'm sorry but this man does NOT love you. At all. If he loved you he would not have cheated on you. If he loved you he would have worked hard to go NC and spent all his energy on repairing the marriage that he damaged. If he loved you he would own his affairs and not blameshift and lie. 

This man does not love you. You are loving yourself more by leaving him than he has ever loved you by being in this "marriage." 

I wish you all the best and am glad you're working to take care of yourself. X


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

Thank you!! I need all the encouragement that I can get.



Satya said:


> Trinmir, I'm sorry but this man does NOT love you. At all. If he loved you he would not have cheated on you. If he loved you he would have worked hard to go NC and spent all his energy on repairing the marriage that he damaged. If he loved you he would own his affairs and not blameshift and lie.
> 
> This man does not love you. You are loving yourself more by leaving him than he has ever loved you by being in this "marriage."
> 
> I wish you all the best and am glad you're working to take care of yourself. X


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

T, you seem young, so debt now is nothing but growth personally for you. When you come out on the other side with a 800 credit score riding in a new sports car, he will know how bad he messed up.
Take all the work you put into your marriage, an put it into something like the Dave Ramsey method of reduction, and in no time, you will be doing you young lady.

Good Luck and God Bless.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Oh,, you know he won't help with the debt, so check and see if your state had D papers online.
Get them, file, and STOP talking to him.

The only thing you want from him is help with the debts, and since he won't help, you have no reason to ever talk to him again.

What it boils down to is you have out grown him and the drama.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

I'm so glad to hear you say this. this man has done a number on me. He really had me believing that cutting off all contact with him was the wrong thing to do. This time around I have blocked him out of everything. The only way he can contact me is at work. But if i see his number I will not answer.



OldWolf57 said:


> Oh,, you know he won't help with the debt, so check and see if your state had D papers online.
> Get them, file, and STOP talking to him.
> 
> *The only thing you want from him is help with the debts, and since he won't help, you have no reason to ever talk to him again.
> ...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

You will always be plan b with him. If he could live with her he would. She won't support him like you did.
Since you basically took care of all bills, he won't have the money to party like that, an is finding out. 

You are worth much much more than a paycheck, maid service and quickie.

Let the dead bury the dead.


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

you know, i had to ponder on that for minute, and your absolutely right!!! you hit it right on the nose. He could live with her because she would definitely have him. It is kind of mind boggling though because I just don't understand why he keeps her as a mistress and not marry her. He can't let her go. She caused grief in his first marriage and in other relationships that he has had.



OldWolf57 said:


> You will always be plan b with him. If he could live with her he would. She won't support him like you did.
> Since you basically took care of all bills, he won't have the money to party like that, an is finding out.
> 
> You are worth much much more than a paycheck, maid service and quickie.
> ...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

T, ppl are just messed up.
I stopped long ago trying to figure them out.
I let their action speak for them.

Let the dead bury the dead. You are alive and kicking baby, and getting your mojo back, so just walk and don't look back.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

remember this ??

" Only a fool would keep doing the same thing and expect a different result "

You've stopped being that fool !!!


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## trinmir (Aug 25, 2014)

yes, i surely have :smthumbup::smthumbup:



OldWolf57 said:


> remember this ??
> 
> " Only a fool would keep doing the same thing and expect a different result "
> 
> You've stopped being that fool !!!


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