# ED issues when I initiate.



## Beachy (May 18, 2013)

My husband & I are both confused & frustrated. We have been married for almost 20 years, have 3 kids & have had a huge turn around in our marriage in the past two years. We married young & had some really hard times over the years until we finally went away together for a vacation without our kids. From that point on our marriage totally changed (for the better). It's like we never knew each other until that point & since then it has been really great. But, we (well he) is having an issue sometimes. I have finally connected it to that when I push or initiate sex he has a hard time getting & keeping an erection. It upsets him because he really wants it & it really upsets me because I do feel rejected. Other times when he initiates everything is great, so I'm wondering if it is some kind of mental block or something. He does have high blood pressure (controlled with meds).

I'm just wondering if this could be happening because to be honest I have always been LD & he was always HD (hope I'm using those right) until two years ago. He was ALWAYS the pursuer in the bedroom, I preferred not having sex at all. Now that my kids are much older, I'm way more relaxed & things have changed on my end drastically when it comes to sex. I mentioned this to him (we were talking about the issue) & he agreed that maybe it is, he doesn't know. Any thoughts?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you initiate, he worries if he can keep it up. If he initiates, it's because he's feeling confident about keeping it up. We had this problem too so I stopped physically initiating. I let him know, in a vast number of ways that I'm open to sex, or I want sex, or I need sex right NOW! He begins the physical part when he's wrapped his confidence around things... It works for us...


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Spend a couple hours surfing the Sex in Marriage forum and the OVERWHELMING Theme running through every message in one way or another is that:

Sex is BOTH psychological and physical

That's why women feel bad 'mentally' when they're used for sex

That's why men feel bad 'mentally' when they're sexually rejected or doled out begrudgingly given scraps 

etc etc

I think two of most common issues in these cases are: 

1. it's a psychological turnoff for you to assume the 'masculine' role of 'pursuer' too aggressively

2. (and this is likely your case--as the above poster noted) 
He feels anxiety and pressure to deliver the goods (and the BEST goods at that) when YOU are the one initiating


My first thought is to tell you to just stop initiating period...especially if it 'really upsets' you too when he can't perform---cause for sure, that will do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to make him feel less anxious...and likely make everything worse

My second thought is...(and granted, I don't know how you go about initiating currently)---but what if you initiate via just just putting out a strong vibe of being interested...so being obviously coy, flirty and RECEPTIVE....but not the obviously in PURSUIT


The idea being to get him exciting enough...to make his move

But not stoking the current emotional state he finds himself getting stuck in...that defeating blend of BOTH excitement and nerves which ultimately kills the whole deal

Whatever you do...the most important thing is that *you getting really upset *stops

so don't pursue him anymore if that's the inevitable (though totally understandable) emotion you're going to feel...I promise every time that happens, you're talking a backwards step in your sexual relationship


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## Beachy (May 18, 2013)

Thank you both. I just want to clarify that my getting upset isn't a freak out or anything. I should have used maybe disappointed instead. For now I think we have a mutual agreement that he will initiate. A perfect example of what can happen is just yesterday he came home from work & started playing around with me, he was totally aroused & ready. We stopped because our kids have a tendency to come in & out (those pesky people). About 30 minutes later I came on to him, touching & kissing & said lets go. He was all about it, but when it came down to it, it was gone. Like I said before, he has always been the one to make the first move (I had alot of issues from an event in my early teens & it has taken me this long to become comfortable with myself & I'm loving it now) & I'm thinking that he is just not used to it. He likes it, but I think he just doesn't quite know how to deal with it. I met him shortly after this event & he has been my rock ever since. If that makes sense?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

makes perfect sense. You guys will be okay...


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Beachy said:


> It upsets him because he really wants it & it really upsets me because I do feel rejected.


Thanks for clarifying..."really upsets me"...made me assume a reaction that would ultimately be self-defeating.

And if that was the case, seemed like the most important advice would be making sure you knew it would be self-defeating

As long as you already know that--you're quite ahead of the game with this problem.

Glad that your rule is that he's initiating for now...seems best...and just try to have patience, understanding and be *positive* when it doesn't work out (I think that's the only attitude that can remedy this in the fastest period of time possible)

[ and yes, this is definitely much easier said than done...but just remember that it'll be worth it!!]


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