# help for my last ditch effort



## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

My wife has been enjoying my income for about 7 years and travelling all over the world with me and enjoying it. But at the same time does not believe in giving a satisfying BJ and other non vanilla activities. I do not want to do anything beyond what she cannot possibly do ... e.g. initiation sometimes and better bjs besides giving physical affection sometimes.... (anal would be good but I do not expect that from her). None of that happens....

On the other hand she thinks I am pervert to suggest cumming inside her mouth or face or even suggesting anal !!! 

Just hanging on for my 2 kids currently else... 

Guess she has taken advantage of me for being too nice to her.... and being afraid of losing them in divorce.....We have had fights but most if not 95% root cause is the dissatisfying sex....

have tried to talk with her, talked with her, tried various ways, On top of it all she has the gall to yell at me ... 

Tried to show her this forum - she thinks all people are oversexed in here.... This morning I said I am divorcing her but then on my own said that I will give it one last try....

In my country that will be a problem due to the language barrier here.


lately trying some non sexual touching ... any ideas what else I should try in my last ditch effort....

Apart from Marriage counselling. sex counselling what else ????


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## noira (Jul 17, 2012)

That's awful getting into trouble with your marriage over sex!! Sorry to hear about that. Only thing I could suggest is talking to your wife about how you would love sex to be rather then telling her what she is not doing for you. If you can make the conversation more about your feelings for her and how attractive/sexy she is. During sex try to ask her if she will go one little step more with you then leave it at that if this works take it one small step at a time every time you have sex and she might start to enjoy it herself.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

Loosen her up a bit - ask her about any fantasies she has and see if you can make them a reality / play them out. Take baby steps with her, and for goodness sake, make her feel sexy - the vixen will emerge soon enough.

As for 'non-sexual touch' - you want to go for things that don't directly lead to sex (so she doesn't get anxious and shrug it off), but are still very sensual:
kiss on the neck
whisper in her ear that you love her, or that she looks beautiful today
massages
the good old HUG - everybody needs to embrace.


Stop with the divorce threats and the 'just in it for the kids' attitude - it makes you feel worse, her feel helpless and results highly unlikely.

This is more than about sex. This is about getting to a point where both of you strive to please eachother, in all aspects of marriage. 

Has she had a very conservative upbringing? If so, and her views on sex remain very 'vanilla', then you need to take your time with her and slowly introduce more kinky/interesting ideas into your sex life.

How do your 'talks' usually go?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This is pretty ridiculous. You're going to divorce her because she doesn't like giving blowjobs? And you think your income somehow entitles you to blowjobs? If no blowjobs is really a deal breaker for you you should probably find someone else. Did she give blowjobs when you met her? When you got married 7 years ago did she know no blowjobs was a deal breaker for you?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I might be wrong,
But I suspect there might be more to this situation than what the OP is saying.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

the key is lots of non-sexual touching, naked cuddling, bonding, lost of kissing, eye gazing.

Do this for two weeks. Don't initiate or have sex. It increases the oxytocin levels in your brains. It makes you both want each other a lot more. It creates completely different feelings.

It's a wonderful start. Then "better BJs" won't enter into it anymore. You will start to really grow passionate about each other and want to please each other more and more.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Okay, so she won't let you cum in her mouth or on her face. What else isn't satisfying about the BJ's?

Just FYI, anal sex is something given, not something you should demand. It can hurt, and more than likely will hurt the first time. To get that you need deep trust, not threats of divorce. Are you willing to let her shove a full size dildo up your butt?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

I'm sorry you are having this problem, but honestly, your attitude about the situation makes me wonder if there aren't other issues that probably explain your wife's reservations. Your income doesn't entitle you to blowjobs. More importantly, it's not "your" money singular, it's "your" money as a couple. Sounds to me like she's taking care of kids ... do you pay her a full-time salary for that? Does she clean around the house sometimes? Do you pay her for that? Etc. I wouldn't give a blowjob to a partner that took that attitude with me either. 

You say part of your last ditch effort will be to offer more "non-sexual" touching. Umm, shouldn't that be at the core of a loving relationship to begin with?

Finally and most importantly, are you sexually satisfying your wife? Meaning, is she having orgasms during sex with you? (and not faking them). Women that are not being satisfied by their husbands are much less likely to feel liking giving them "extras" (i.e., bj's and anal) and will not be receptive to exploring. Why would she want to if even the vanilla stuff sucks? (not saying this your situation, but if it is, something to ponder!)


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Okay, so she won't let you cum in her mouth or on her face. What else isn't satisfying about the BJ's?
> 
> Just FYI, anal sex is something given, not something you should demand. It can hurt, and more than likely will hurt the first time. To get that you need deep trust, not threats of divorce. Are you willing to let her shove a full size dildo up your butt?



I think ppl have not been reading my post - she doesnt give me any physical intimacy nor starts one or even so much as hug or kiss me on her own....

BJs - everyone has been able to gather from my post....

Anal - I am respecting her wish for it... As to whether I will allow her or not to push a dildo up mine... answer is yes if she wants to and gets some physical fun out of it... although it does not seem logical. still whatever she would like. I have even asked her to do a prostate massage sometimes and she has not that either....

Seems like my post seems to be that of a guy wanting to divorce just because the wife doesnt give even a mediocre bj or any anal - it is miles away from that situation. Wonder what is making people get it wrong. The whole "women are a weaker sex" mentality should not be indiscriminately applied everywhere..


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ukv said:


> I think ppl have not been reading my post - she doesnt give me any physical intimacy nor starts one or even so much as hug or kiss me on her own....
> 
> BJs - everyone has been able to gather from my post....
> 
> ...


Probably from the way you presented it. I make all the money, she gets to enjoy it, but she won't suck me off and swallow or give me anal. That was basically your intro. We only know what you tell us. I don't think its a coincidence that various posters got the same picture I did.

If you would have come out with " my wife is withholding any and all types of affection" the answers will be more helpful.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I suspect the language barrier is the problem here on TAM.

He's probably just another too nice guy whose wife takes him for granted.

uvk is that true?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> I suspect the language barrier is the problem here on TAM.
> 
> He's probably just another too nice guy whose wife takes him for granted.
> 
> uvk is that true?


 If she is withholding all sexual attention, then I agree


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I suspect the language barrier is the problem here on TAM.
> 
> He's probably just another too nice guy whose wife takes him for granted.
> 
> uvk is that true?



Yes no sexual attention or any physical displays of affection either... if I start and do it all the way then everything is fine.... however lately me asking for BJ lead to arguments... 

Sometimes the brain is too fatigued to go through the post before hitting submit... like those emails that are sent without a second lookover ...


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

DawnD said:


> If she is withholding all sexual attention, then I agree


yes, totally in fact going the opposite way.... my other answer in my reply to mavash.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Probably from the way you presented it. I make all the money, she gets to enjoy it, but she won't suck me off and swallow or give me anal. That was basically your intro. We only know what you tell us. I don't think its a coincidence that various posters got the same picture I did.
> 
> If you would have come out with " my wife is withholding any and all types of affection" the answers will be more helpful.


sorry for not doing the due diligence before hitting submit


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

ukv said:


> yes, totally in fact going the opposite way.... my other answer in my reply to mavash.


Have you ever heard of the Five Love Languages book?? if not, google it, and it will show you that there are five ways people like to show and receive love. Show your wife and ask her which one is her top need. If she has two that are equally important, take note. Show her yours ( which will probably be Physical Touch) and tell her how important it is to you, and that she is the only person that can meet that need. Try to see if she would be willing to work together, with you both giving priority to the others need. Is that something she would do with you?


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I might be wrong,
> But I suspect there might be more to this situation than what the OP is saying.


the unsaid part could be that she is unable to think rationally... its difficult to explain this... e.g. she would rather wallow in resentment, sullennes, lethargy rather than actively seeking a way out of her difficulties.... she expects others to fight the battles for her and make efforts on her behalf.
I guess her problem is the attitude or the lack of positive attitude.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Have you ever heard of the Five Love Languages book?? if not, google it, and it will show you that there are five ways people like to show and receive love. Show your wife and ask her which one is her top need. If she has two that are equally important, take note. Show her yours ( which will probably be Physical Touch) and tell her how important it is to you, and that she is the only person that can meet that need. Try to see if she would be willing to work together, with you both giving priority to the others need. Is that something she would do with you?


I will try to go through your suggested book.

I guess her problem is the attitude or the lack of positive attitude. She is not able to apply herself with commitment to any kind of self-dev task or something to do with relationships..... we have had numerous discussions around it and she conveniently andd easily falls back to the previous unresponsive state.

I would say only this because it becomes complicated beyond this.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Seven years with kids an no BJ's?
Wait until somebody shows you a photo of her giving one to some other guy.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

I'm always reluctant to reach a conclusion after hearing only one side of the story, especially where, as here, there seem to be some obvious ambiguities.

BTW, I read the OP as saying he didn't feel the BJs were "satisfying," presumably because his wife won't allow him to cum in her mouth, which is hardly unprecedented as wives go.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

jaharthur said:


> I'm always reluctant to reach a conclusion after hearing only one side of the story, especially where, as here, there seem to be some obvious ambiguities.
> 
> BTW, I read the OP as saying he didn't feel the BJs were "satisfying," presumably because his wife won't allow him to cum in her mouth, which is hardly unprecedented as wives go.


No your presemption is totally wrong. Sure if she allowed me to cum in her mouth then it I would be on the top of the world and I would forget all other inadequacies of my wife.... but she hardly has anything that I would call a BJ. she will just work on the tip for ten seconds at a time and then take half a minute break and then I will wank myself and then before putting it in her mouth she will again clean the tip with a clean cloth to remove any precum that she suspects..... 

everyone seems to be taking the story as "this weird guy is dissatisfied and wants to divorce because her wife will not give anal or let him cum in her mouth". This is just not true as I explained earlier...... As ever "women are victims" theme seems to be running in the minds or so it seems....

If the minimum is not met then I cant get into a just reasonably satisfied state regarding sex... same for non sexual matters...


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Pervert? haha
Then i am right there with you!

Yes to divorce over sex is outrageous.
She must be pushing it to those ends useing this because she knows it will get to you.
Maybe thats what she wants but wants you to make the call.
What does she say to you when you tell her you will divorce her if she doesnt please you?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Pervert? haha
> Then i am right there with you!
> 
> Yes to divorce over sex is outrageous.


didnt get u ? do u think that its perversion.... although i think divorce over sex is justifiable... in my case its not only no sex but no affection of any sort either.....

what do u mean by "Then i am right there with you!"


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> Yes to divorce over sex is outrageous.


Actually I think divorce over sex is completely justifiable and actually preferable to the alternatives (sexless marriage, cheating, etc...)


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

ukv said:


> the unsaid part could be that she is unable to think rationally... its difficult to explain this... e.g. she would rather wallow in resentment, sullennes, lethargy rather than actively seeking a way out of her difficulties.... she expects others to fight the battles for her and make efforts on her behalf.
> I guess her problem is the attitude or the lack of positive attitude.


I totally got this with her last thread which was pretty much "my husband asked me to post here, but it is obviously a waste of time". She clearly seems like she absolutely will not put in any effort. So you can try the "male action plan" inthe Married Man Sex Life book and see what happens, but it seems divorce is inevitable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ukv said:


> My wife has been enjoying my income for about 7 years and travelling all over the world with me and enjoying it. But at the same time does not believe in giving a satisfying BJ and other non vanilla activities. I do not want to do anything beyond what she cannot possibly do ... e.g. initiation sometimes and better bjs besides giving physical affection sometimes.... (anal would be good but I do not expect that from her). None of that happens....
> 
> On the other hand she thinks I am pervert to suggest cumming inside her mouth or face or even suggesting anal !!!
> 
> ...





right there in your second paragraph, where she says she thinks you are a pervert for pretty much liking different things.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Actually I think divorce over sex is completely justifiable and actually preferable to the alternatives (sexless marriage, cheating, etc...)




This is what i meant by that. pretty much what you said!!!!

i should have been more clear! sorry about that


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ukv said:


> didnt get u ? do u think that its perversion.... although i think divorce over sex is justifiable... in my case its not only no sex but no affection of any sort either.....
> 
> what do u mean by "Then i am right there with you!"



i met then i guess i am a pervert for liking certain thigns too. i guess we all are.

and i do feel bad for you not having any of that. i do agree its justifiable.

i cleared that up a moment ago. apoplogized for not being clear enough!


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