# BWs 'stronger' than BHs?



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it."

This was posted by a female poster on SI earlier today.

It got me thinking.....I too notice the same trend in so many threads.

The BW's seem so much more willing to play hardball with their cheating H's.....far less willing to tolerate their crap or exhibit 'doormat' behavior in a desperate attempt to save the M.

And as she points out.....more inclined to quickly file for D if their demands/boundaries are not met.

Does anyone else see this as well?

It got me thinking....Why?

Is it because BH's are more afraid that their WW's actually want to leave the M, so they are terrified they will push their cheating spouses away if they take a hardline?

While BW's know that the majority of WH's are just in it for the sex and have no intention of leaving their spouses, so they feel more confident putting their foot down and demanding an end to the bullsh*t?

I don't know...maybe it is only my perspective that is off....but it does seem to me that BWs are handling infidelity in their M's in a far 'stronger' way than most BHs.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> "Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it."
> 
> This was posted by a female poster on SI earlier today.
> 
> ...


Economics I think plays a big part. In longer marriages or marriages with one income the higher wage earner in penalized.

Assuming the male is the higher wage earner and you find out your wife is cheating and she is a stay at home mom and it's a 20 year marriage, it's gonna cost you a great deal to divorce in most states. 

The stay at home mom finds out her husband is cheating she can take him to the cleaners.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

It is a good question and I had noticed that too. 

There are a few reasons I can think of:
1 Men who come on here might be more emotionally desperate than women. If a man keeps his confidence, he is perhaps less likely to ever share it with us.
2 Women are just more like that than man.
3 Men are more likely to feel at fault. There is a slight society view that while seeing a woman who is cheated on as unequivocally wronged, will view a man who is cheated on as being partially at fault.
4 Economics and access to their children. The man has more to lose.
5 This is could well be complete nonsense, a very strong willed woman is more likely to be cheated on than a very strong willed man. A more accommodating man is more likely to be cheated on than a more accommodating woman.

I have no idea which, if any, of these could be a factor.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I take a simple approach, which is obviously one-sided and pretty sexist.

Women (on average, not whole) tend to think, judge, and scrutinize with their feelings. They use predictive behavior (intuition) to help guide decision-making. So, to them severing a connection to the person that hurt them seems right. 

Men (on average, not whole) tend to think, judge, and scrutinize with logic. They use actual behavior and facts to help guide decision-making. So, to them, the knowledge of divorce law and outcomes for other men lends to a more cerebral, rational decision. 

Each approach has its benefits and pitfalls. I try personally to inject a bit of both approaches in any decision I make, but for years I was predominantly thinking with my feelings.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I definitely believe that women, whether they are the wayward's or the betrayed, are the preeminent ones who will file for the divorce first!

The wayward's', so that they can more fastidiously exercise their "Plan A" options with their "loving" paramours; the betrayed's', so that they can exit a socially "bad situation" and effectively move on with the rest of their lives!

And 95% of it has to do with "feelings" moreso than "logic!"*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> It is a good question and I had noticed that too.
> 
> There are a few reasons I can think of:
> 1 *Men who come on here might be more emotionally desperate than women. If a man keeps his confidence, he is perhaps less likely to ever share it with us.*
> ...



Tha is a great point - these message boards are not really a broad sampling of men but a self-selecting one. There are men here whose wives have cheated in some case decades ago and they are still effected enough by it to visit TAM regularly. A man who dumps the POS and moves on is perhaps less likely to linger at places like TAM.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> 3 Men are more likely to feel at fault. There is a slight society view that while seeing a woman who is cheated on as unequivocally wronged, will view a man who is cheated on as being partially at fault.
> 
> 5 This is could well be complete nonsense, a very strong willed woman is more likely to be cheated on than a very strong willed man. A more accommodating man is more likely to be cheated on than a more accommodating woman.


3 is true to an extent. Most BH even when not feeling at fault themselves, will tend to blame the OM or some other factor like her depression, for the cheating. I think most BH tend to push back any feelings that the affair may be partially their fault.

Regarding 5, a woman will tend to maintain higher romantic interest in a strong willed man. He will always be a challenge to her; along with respect, a key ingredient for romantic interest. They come to find accommodating men, (men who always say yes ), as boring and will lose both respect and romantic interest for/in them.



Satya said:


> I take a simple approach, which is obviously one-sided and pretty sexist.


Truth is not sexist. In relationships, women are better at looking over the horizon and judging what future years are going to be like. About 80% of all divorce filing are done by women and they are much less likely to initiate any reconciliation after they decide to call it quits. Women tend to follow through with a divorce filing whereas men are more likely to be the one to pull the plug and go back home.
You may or may not agree with my premise that when a woman loses interest and/or respect for a man, it never returns to an acceptable state. Hence, when women file, they mean business.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

There is a pendulum at work here I believe....at least partial explanation for the difference between BW & BH and divorce - though I do think society tends to blame men more than women if a marriage fails...not saying a whole lot more but more....the pendulum is historical where if a marriage ended it was the wife's fault and divorce was rarely if ever granted so women in a bad marriage were basically hosed....then divorce laws relaxed and it was pointed out that they needed to because of some horrible men in marriages etc(and in many cases an element of truth to these claims substantiated the request for divorce being easier)...flash forward to today and now the shoe is on the other foot - divorce is really pretty easy and tends to favor women in court and men are typically seen as the cause or large part of it because we still hold to an older belief that women love marriage so would only leave if they had no other options....hopefully the pendulum will swing back some to a middle ground that will support both genders better etc....

That being said, the secondary problem with where things are today is that it also makes it easy for men and women to give up and I think we can all agree that to some extent the numbers of women filing at a higher rate is also bolstered by some of them being quitters - not saying this as an indictment but men are still looked at differently when we quit anything these days than women (again generally speaking) - women get more of a pass because the supporting evidence for why they quit something is they are 'emotional' and 'logical' doesn't quit something that is mostly beneficial....all of these adjectives are applied subjectively of course and no doubt these comments will not hit the mark with many men and/or women but just adding as possible support for the #'s of women filing....I've read plenty of posts on here from women who may have actually tried too long to make things work so I know it does not apply to everyone....but - throw in an OM or toxic friends for support and I do think it can be easier for a women to 'quit' her marriage...men tend to have less support networks for doing the same...


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## tpdallas (Aug 28, 2015)

I'd be even more depressed if my husband only stayed with me because he didn't want to lose the house and lifestyle.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I think confident men bolt after cheating for the most part no matter the consequences. In their mind, they've always been a winner anyway and so if their lifestyle takes a hit its only temporary because they know they will find a hot chick who has plenty of income(assets) from her former cheating spouse...Isnt that nice? DUDE


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

Funny but an element of truth Dude! Men and honestly women who's lives are moving forward rarely tolerate: cheating spouses, toxic friends, weakness (perpetual) etc....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

McDean said:


> Funny but an element of truth Dude! Men and honestly women who's lives are moving forward rarely tolerate: cheating spouses, toxic friends, weakness (perpetual) etc....


BINGO!!!!! Save yourself first!!!!!!!!!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> I think confident men bolt after cheating for the most part no matter the consequences. In their mind, they've always been a winner anyway and so if their lifestyle takes a hit its only temporary because they know they will find a hot chick who has plenty of income(assets) from her former cheating spouse...Isnt that nice? DUDE


They also get less of their identity from their spouse then BH's who have more trouble moving forward...they know who they are is who they are regardless of who is int heir bed


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Truthseeker1 said:


> They also get less of their identity from their spouse then BH's who have more trouble moving forward...they know who they are is who they are regardless of who is int heir bed


AND I might add, as confident men MAY ALREADY have someone lined up or dreamed about CHEATING themselves, so then its very easy to say well, F it!!! I'm out this mo fo!!!


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

It's true - when you are confident, successful(whatever that word means to you) you trust that you are worthy and can move on and find better yourself - whether you're a man or a women.....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Yes, but even the most confident will probably have to get over their shock and grieve the loss of the relationship(marriage). Then they are back on point and look out!! DUDE


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

McDean said:


> It's true - when you are confident, successful(whatever that word means to you) you trust that you are worthy and can move on and find better yourself - whether you're a man or a women.....


you also realize your spouses affair was about their character and their behavior - not yours...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Please don't think I am completely sexist for this answer. However, divorce laws were drawn up long ago when many wives didn't have an employer. They were stay at home moms who worked incredibly hard at running a home. With that said it is almost a given the woman gets custody of the children. The woman gets half the assets. Half of the income. Child support. All based on laws that were single income households. That is fact and not the fault of the husband or wife. It's just how the times were, but they have now changed. But the laws remain the same. I was shocked at my personal situation. 

So they may be stronger knowing full well the courts stand behind them. What if the current situation were reversed and the male were to go into court and be in the lead already? How quick would a female rush to divorce knowing she may lose half her pension? Half her 401k? Have to pay alimony? Child support? Lose the house? That's quite a comfort package to know you are in the lead for. Again it's just the way the laws are, at least for me. But it's a hell of a deterrent to divorce depending on age and other financial matters. 

Women are raised differently then men are also. Women are taught about feelings and emotions in general. Just this last weekend we had a birthday party for our boys. One fell and hurt himself, not seriously, but he cried. I happened to be closest and I picked him up. Most of the women began coming over to comfort him, a couple of the men yelled out rub some dirt on it , he's fine. Quite a contrast there as both men and women cared but the care completely different. Men who display emotions or feelings are viewed as weak to other men. Remember watching old yeller as a kid? How many men tried not to cry? Why? Because that playground would be brutal if you let those tears fly. 

I don't view it as stronger but maybe a difference in upbringing. As I said there are many differences, and it's difficult to say if it's strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

I've got NO PROBLEM w my wife getting half of everything NOW and then I pay her a reasonable child support and cover medical for the kids. She has talents and can work just like me so that it and that fair! DUDE


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

I can only talk about the women I have met in my life and that was a lot years ago I'm sorry to say

They were on the whole able to attach emotionally better than most males I knew *BUT* were 
able to detach if the need arose

Perhaps the bottom line is that women do have more emotional attachment in a relationship as 
they prioritise things differently and show love easier so they are use to dealing with their 
emotions and are then able to act on situations better than males


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## Average Joe (Sep 2, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Please don't think I am completely sexist for this answer. However, divorce laws were drawn up long ago when many wives didn't have an employer. They were stay at home moms who worked incredibly hard at running a home. With that said it is almost a given the woman gets custody of the children. The woman gets half the assets. Half of the income. Child support. All based on laws that were single income households. That is fact and not the fault of the husband or wife. It's just how the times were, but they have now changed. But the laws remain the same. I was shocked at my personal situation.
> 
> So they may be stronger knowing full well the courts stand behind them. What if the current situation were reversed and the male were to go into court and be in the lead already? How quick would a female rush to divorce knowing she may lose half her pension? Half her 401k? Have to pay alimony? Child support? Lose the house? That's quite a comfort package to know you are in the lead for. Again it's just the way the laws are, at least for me. But it's a hell of a deterrent to divorce depending on age and other financial matters. _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep. End of story. Not much more to discuss.


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## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

I agree, the backing of the courts makes it easier in many cases for women to walk - perhaps too easy? At the same time I am seeing some changes in that the state I am in at least will nail them to the wall if they were the spouse who went wayward whether they were stay at home or not....when the courts catch up and balance out a little more it will be interesting to see if who files most changes as well....


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

McDean said:


> I agree, the backing of the courts makes it easier in many cases for women to walk - perhaps too easy?


There is some truth to this, too easy. Also, since women initiate like 80% (not sure of the exact number), it implies lots of things:
* easier to detach?
* they fair better in D than men?
* Men may tend to fight, women to flight? (innate response to bad situations is fight or flight)
* are women taught to flee? I think part of feminism really promotes this as part of the unintended consequence of women should expect it all.

Probably many others that I can't think of....


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I took a hardline with my exww - demanded total transparency, proof of her whereabouts at all times, MC, no contact, etc etc. And then, even after I got those things, I realized that it wasn't enough, and the betrayal was too great, so I divorced her anyway.

So in my case, this doesn't apply.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Healer said:


> I took a hardline with my exww - demanded total transparency, proof of her whereabouts at all times, MC, no contact, etc etc. And then, even after I got those things, I realized that it wasn't enough, and the betrayal was too great, so I divorced her anyway.
> 
> So in my case, this doesn't apply.


I agree....and this hardline is the best way to actually save your M if you do want R.

But if you go to SI (it happens here too, but seems almost epidemic over on that site) it seems almost every BH is TERRIFIED of taking a firm stand with their WW's.

At the same time, far more of the BW's over there are taking an approach with their WH's similar to what you did Healer.

Its odd, but the 'conventional wisdom' that women are more forgiving of infidelity than men are just doesn't seem to be borne out by the threads.

I think some of the other posters might be right about it being a matter of self-selection.....that the BH's who take the hard line simply don't post as often.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is all quite simple to understand when you think about how much an advantage a woman has in divorce court. She usually gets the kids, the house and all the money. If I had the chance of robbing the **** out of someone how betrayed me, I'd do it to.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> It got me thinking....Why?
> 
> Is it because BH's are more afraid that their WW's actually want to leave the M, so they are terrified they will push their cheating spouses away if they take a hardline?
> 
> ...


Honestly, I think it's because it's much easier for a woman to replace a man, even if it's just a short term rebound, than for a man to replace a woman. Sorry if that sounds over simplistic.

I think men fear more the prospect of finding a new mate because the men have to do the courting and brace for the potential rejection. Especially if they have been out of the game a long time. A big unspoken fear for men imo is with their dad bods and average income they will not be able to land a comparable mate.

A woman can just throw up a single status on an online dating site and if she's a 5 or better will be bombarded with emails and dates fairly quickly. A comparable man might have to contact 20 women to land one date. The quality might not be what she's hoping for right off the bat but their is at least plenty of opportunity and she doesn't have to do much to get it.

A lot of men just don't want to deal with that garbage and would rather give the cheater a second chance under the guise of "for the kids". How many of these men do you think would REALLY be sticking around if they had a replacement super model just waiting in the wings? I'd go with NONE.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

jb02157 said:


> This is all quite simple to understand when you think about how much an advantage a woman has in divorce court. She usually gets the kids, the house and all the money. *If I had the chance of robbing the **** out of someone how betrayed me, I'd do it to.*





I didn't consider it "robbing the sh!t" out of my cheating Ex and believe me I took his @ss to the cleaners. He didn't consider it "attempted murder" by banging his skank without protection while still having sex with me.

There should still be penalties in place for adultery in divorce. I wonder how many waywards are forgiven because it is cheaper to keep them? It seems like a lot from the responses here.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> [/B]
> 
> 
> I didn't consider it "robbing the sh!t" out of my cheating Ex and believe me I took his @ss to the cleaners. He didn't consider it "attempted murder" by banging his skank without protection while still having sex with me.
> ...


Quite, but to his point, if you separating would have meant giving up custody of kids and are large chunk of wealth, it would have been harder.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

kristin2349 said:


> [/B]
> 
> 
> *I didn't consider it "robbing the sh!t" out of my cheating Ex and believe me I took his @ss to the cleaners. He didn't consider it "attempted murder" by banging his skank without protection while still having sex with me.
> ...


 @kristin2349 You rock!


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I have to say this does not match up with my experience. The over whelming majority of the BWs I know tend to rug sweep. I would agree that the BWs on TAM seem to be more intolerant of cheating, but from what I see around me. Most BWs I have known would rather not rock the boat and look the other way as long as everything else is fine in the relationship. Especially if they are married to a man with means/power. This is ironic because the reality is if they dumped him they would be just fine given the settlement they receive. 

With that said most of the BHs I know tend to go nuclear and upgrade via wife 2.0. So I guess I feel like the people that end up here (not saying its a bad thing) aren't necessarily reflective of what you would see in the real world.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

ReformedHubby said:


> I have to say this does not match up with my experience. The over whelming majority of the BWs I know tend to rug sweep. I would agree that the BWs on TAM seem to be more intolerant of cheating, but from what I see around me. Most BWs I have known would rather not rock the boat and look the other way as long as everything else is fine in the relationship. Especially if they are married to a man with means/power. This is ironic because the reality is if they dumped him they would be just fine given the settlement they receive.
> 
> With that said most of the BHs I know tend to go nuclear and upgrade via wife 2.0. So I guess I feel like the people that end up here (not saying its a bad thing) aren't necessarily reflective of what you would see in the real world.


I agree - it depends on personal experience....in my experience the BHs divorced, had RAs or got girlfriends while separated - although there was one case where the wife even after having her lovers baby was totally remorseless and they eventually divorced YEARS later but she had a new bf even before they separated...the H has a RA or two but the wife did not care either way...her response was basically "affairs happen everyday get over it"


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

the answer is just too simple....Divorce laws favor the woman, so the ex husband ALWAYS takes a beating......Pays out more money, usually has to leave the family home, less time with the kids....


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> I've got NO PROBLEM w my wife getting half of everything NOW and then I pay her a reasonable child support and cover medical for the kids. She has talents and can work just like me so that it and that fair! DUDE


Your magic word is reasonable. The court system doesn't have a clue what reasonable means. If a "reasonable system" were in place I'm sure you would see more men or women who are higher wage earners file and we might see a few less WS get the bright idea to cheat.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Well my kids aren't young so luckily I wouldn't pay that long anyway. But I hear ya!!! Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Dude007 said:


> Well my kids aren't young so luckily I wouldn't pay that long anyway. But I hear ya!!! Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But alas that most likely means you have been married long enough to hear the magic word.....alimony and the always popular lawyer phrase "maintaining a lifestyle". Unless of course you are one of the lucky ones where your spouse earns the same as you.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Healer said:


> I took a hardline with my exww - demanded total transparency, proof of her whereabouts at all times, MC, no contact, etc etc. And then, even after I got those things, I realized that it wasn't enough, and the betrayal was too great, so I divorced her anyway.
> 
> So in my case, this doesn't apply.


Healer your situation falls into a certain category. Your relationship with your ex was co-dependent and toxic, but neither of you understood this. She lost respect for you because you put up with her nonsense. You thought her nonsense was part of marriage. Her loss of respect resulted in a loss of attraction or at least she decided to treat herself to some ego entertainment.

Once you busted her she could see emotionally and rationally that the best deal for her was to stick by you and reconcile in no small part because she wanted you to resume the codependent relationship. She was going to cede power to you but that was just a burden. You would have preferred it if she changed herself. Just getting back the old her with a thick coating of I-am-sorry paint slapped on was not attractive.

So, your decision was a combination of emotional and rational. Fixing the broken WW was something you rejected but it took some time.

Most women are emotionally smarter their husbands. When a guy cheats, his wife already has the toxic aspects of their relationship in a mental ledger. I swear women remember all sorts of stuff that guys never notice. Adultery just causes her to see all the defects in a flash. She's gone.

The big exception is women with young children. They are very dependent. So, they struggle to reconcile because a single mom with two or three small kids is screwed.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Texas baby!!

Presumption Against an Order for Spousal Maintenance

Except where there is a conviction of family violence, the court will start by assuming that an order for spousal maintenance is not appropriate. To overcome the assumption, the spouse seeking support will need to convince the court that she or he has made a good effort to earn income or to develop skills to provide for basic needs during the separation and divorce proceedings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Healer your situation falls into a certain category. Your relationship with your ex was co-dependent and toxic, but neither of you understood this. She lost respect for you because you put up with her nonsense. You thought her nonsense was part of marriage. Her loss of respect resulted in a loss of attraction or at least she decided to treat herself to some ego entertainment.
> 
> Once you busted her she could see emotionally and rationally that the best deal for her was to stick by you and reconcile in no small part because she wanted you resume the codependent relationship. She was going to cede power to you but that was just a burden. You would have preferred it is she changed herself. Just getting back the old her with a thick coating of I-am-sorry paint slapped on was not attractive.
> 
> ...


Nailed it. Very insightful.

I did put up with her **** for a long, long time. She was/is an extremely messed up person. Borderline for sure. I read back through our text logs from just before Dday and after, up until I ended R once in awhile. It's absolutely astounding to see how manipulative, narcissistic and toxic she was - and how I put up with it - even after dday, in hopes of saving my family. Not my marriage - but my family. And to do that, I had to save the marriage. I tried as hard as I could for 10 weeks, and it was just killing me a little every day.

But seeing how she manipulated and played me - and how sad I was for eating that up...really is difficult to comprehend. I'm a different person now. But like I said, I knew I had to try to save my family, or I would've never been able to reconcile with myself. I'm at peace (mostly) now and have no regrets, no guilt.

By the time the marriage ended, I was a shell of my former self. She had ground me down to a nub.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> I agree....and this hardline is the best way to actually save your M if you do want R.
> 
> But if you go to SI (it happens here too, but seems almost epidemic over on that site) it seems almost every BH is TERRIFIED of taking a firm stand with their WW's.
> 
> ...


Right - could be they just don't need the outlet if they've already made the hardline decision. Fortunately for me, I was never terrified. It was instinct to try and save the family, but I never had a real fear of her being gone. Her having the affair and leaving was the only way I was going to be saved - I never, no matter what, would've ended the marriage (aside from her cheating). I would've stayed in that toxic relationship forever, because the guilt of walking away from my family would've killed me. She did me a favor by cheating, and thus allowing me to divorce her.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> "Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it."
> 
> This was posted by a female poster on SI earlier today.
> 
> ...


I have seen perhaps between a half dozen and a dozen divorces happen close-up, including my own. 

What I witnessed, in general, was that the women-initiated divorces were more subtle, calculated, and nuanced. Meaning, on a couple occasions, the wife took YEARS to divorce the husband. Getting finances sorted, job sorted, kids sorted, emotionally separating, while the husband seemed to have NO idea what was happening. In two cases, it even included finding another guy to run to. Then... boom! Husband is shocked, wife is gone with another guy, and it all seems so sudden. When it wasn't. And in those female initated divorces, for all but her best friends, it's "why did you up and leave this guy?" Meaning, she hadn't been broadcasting that there was a problem at all.

The male initiated divorces that I've seen seem unplanned, actually sudden, and not very well thought through, including one who left, found his own place, and then begged for his wife back. A couple as a result of her cheating and then he's gone. And in every one of those male-initiated divorces, everyone's been "I can't believe you stayed with her that long." Meaning, the guy had been making overtures for a long time that he was unhappy.

Not statistically indicative, but that's been my experience.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I have to disagree. From everything that I've read and what I've seen online, a BW is more apt to forgive infidelity more than a BH.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you visit Surviving Infidelity one gets the impression that women are more forgiving of infidelity. Actually, I wouldn't say they forgive, but they attempt reconciliation. There is a sometimes a spirit of wanting to beat out the rival OW.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'll say this for BWs...

They sure do seem to "get it" a whole helluva lot better than the BHs, and that's whether they opt for reconciliation or divorce.

Seriously... it doesn't take NEAR the number of 2x4's to get your typical BW to see what's up compared to your typical BH.

But maybe that's just my perception; after all, we do seem to get way more BHs than BWs here.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> "Just read the men and women posts on this JFFO forum..More women seem inclined to file for divorce than men if it comes to it."
> 
> This was posted by a female poster on SI earlier today.
> 
> ...


Profit


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

honcho said:


> Your magic word is reasonable. The court system doesn't have a clue what reasonable means. If a "reasonable system" were in place I'm sure you would see more men or women who are higher wage earners file and we might see a few less WS get the bright idea to cheat.


I don't agree. 

I've seen the fog close up, and money just doesn't enter into the equation in unicorns and rainbows and great sex land.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

marduk said:


> I don't agree.
> 
> I've seen the fog close up, and money just doesn't enter into the equation in unicorns and rainbows and great sex land.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cash seems to enter once the rainbow ends and the real world comes a calling. A few get lucky and the affair lasts long enough to get deal cut.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> A lot of men just don't want to deal with that garbage and would rather give the cheater a second chance under the guise of "for the kids". How many of these men do you think would REALLY be sticking around if they had a replacement super model just waiting in the wings? I'd go with NONE.


Even if I thought I'd never be able to be with another woman again, I'd still have divorced my exww. I'd rather be alone than be with a cheater.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

I 100% agree with you. I have the same mentality. 

I think many weaker men don't however.


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> I 100% agree with you. I have the same mentality.
> 
> I think many weaker men don't however.


Yup. And honestly now that I've been single for nearly 3 years, I can't imagine going back to being in a full time relationship again. I need my physical needs met now and again, but I'm perfectly happy being on my own. I've tried to make relationships work these past 3 years, but I just...don't feel it.

I think it would suck being afraid to be alone.


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## sparrow555 (Jun 27, 2015)

I think it has a lot to do with how men are portrayed in the media and culture he(the BH) grows up in general. Especially, I think in the western society, the line where measures aimed at bringing gender quality and encourage woman have swung a bit too far that right now, they are a bit discriminatory towards men. It is particularly worse for guys from UK from what I've observed. Some of the infidelity stories where the BS is from UK seem to be the most horrific. If I understand it correctly, the law is heavily slanted towards women in case of a divorce. The guys from that country seem to be absolutely destroyed from inside by the time they post on the forums. 

There is also glorification of women that can leave their partners to some extent. A woman who can leave her relationship is lauded as being strong and independent. We can obviously deduce the origin of this mindset from the time where many women remained in ****ty and abusive marriages fearful of the stigma if she leaves her family. Books like Eat, Pray Love are best sellers with a lot of middle aged women. Leaving a ****ty marriage is portrayed as an act of courage. This might even explain on why women file for more divorces than men. i don;t think it is the same for a man. It may not be looked down upon by default but I am pretty sure that there are no best sellers in recent times about how a man left his marriage to travel and have flings with other women

One more important reason seem to be that most men seem to be terrified of the kind of man their WS might bring into their kid's life. Or that his kids will call some other guy "Dad"


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"The guys from that country seem to be absolutely destroyed from inside by the time they post on the forums."

The saddest thing about it though?.....no one can ever take your pride and dignity from you, you can only give it away.

That seems to be something that many men have forgotten.

These guys need to embrace their anger....they have been wronged, betrayed, and insulted in the worst possible way.

They can either wilt under that or stand up and say 'Enough of this sh*t!'.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

It's actually an education for me! I assumed that men filed more, particularly in the case of wife's adultery. I thought that women were faster to opt for reconciliation. 

I know there are couples out there that have lots of money, properties, huge retirement funds etc. I assumed that the average couple were like us. Big mortgage, not a lot of equity, credit cards, not a lot of savings. I'm not convinced that MOST women walk away from divorce set-up for life. 
Child support is exactly that...money to support the children. I assumed that most stay at home Mums who sacrificed their careers to care for kids, home & support of their H's in their career were more financially terrified that they couldn't make ends meet than men who still had their career after divorce.

As I said...This has been an education for me in many ways.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

I'm from the UK & the USA.

I've NEVER known of a man in England get custody of the children. I know of a few men who got custody in America. I believe best interests of the children should be the deciding factor. It shouldn't be assumed that any mother, not matter her behavior, should automatically get the children.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

BrokenLady said:


> It's actually an education for me! I assumed that men filed more, particularly in the case of wife's adultery. I thought that women were faster to opt for reconciliation.
> 
> I know there are couples out there that have lots of money, properties, huge retirement funds etc. I assumed that the average couple were like us. Big mortgage, not a lot of equity, credit cards, not a lot of savings. I'm not convinced that MOST women walk away from divorce set-up for life.
> Child support is exactly that...money to support the children. I assumed that most stay at home Mums who sacrificed their careers to care for kids, home & support of their H's in their career were more financially terrified that they couldn't make ends meet than men who still had their career after divorce.
> ...


I wouldn't view TAM as representative at all. There are other sites that attract more BWs. In my experience, BWs are actually less likely to file for divorce for all the reasons you mention. Not so easy to be a suddenly-single mom with half the income or less. Think about it mathematically: say a couple is renting a home for $2,000 a month. That's $1k per adult. After a divorce, both parties still need to rent, and in my geographic area, you'll still pay $1,700+ even if you drop one bedroom or bathroom, meaning each person is now paying significantly more. Whoever has primary custody now has to work AND figure out pick up / drop off, coverage for illness, etc. Which is why many BWs stay.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

I guess it's already been touched upon but let me get my sledge hammer for this point. 

If the courts inverted how they handle divorces, alimony and child support you'd see men filing more often. This isn't about strength but rather who consistently and conspicuously gets the short straw. 

Rarely do statistics demonstrate what kind of person is smarter, nobler or stronger. They likely point to the way our society has been constructed, and changed over the course of time.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

As a man, there were many reasons that I was apprehensive to take a hard line to D. 

First off, I loved my XWW. Logically, I didn’t want to believe that she didn’t love me and our family. That didn’t make any sense to me. I was convinced that this was some kind of temporary insanity. We had built such a good life and family as a couple, I was afraid if I took the tough approach, I would push her away. She was my best friend and I didn’t want to give up on her. :banghead:

I dreaded the thought of being single and dating again. I hadn’t dated in almost 20 years. I was almost 50 years old and didn’t want to start over again. Dating and courtship required so much effort and energy. By this time in my life I was starting to look forward to retirement and a more carefree lifestyle. I had also lost a lot of confidence and self-esteem through the betrayal process. Attracting another women would be years away, if at all. I guess I thought that it was better to stick with the devil that I knew. :scratchhead:

XWW was a stay at home mom for many years and had only started to work part time after the kids were in school full-time. The truth is she was lazy and never applied herself. She would not give up her shopping and lunches with friends to actually work more than 18 hours a week. She never contributed to the finances of our household. Because of no-fault divorce, I stood to lose half of my pension, half of my savings and investments, alimony and child support for many years and half the time with my children…and she knew this was all to her benefit because this is the world she grew up in. Retiring when I had planned would be impossible and I would have to work at least another decade to recover part of what I had lost. My life had become financially comfortable and I didn’t want to give it up. :slap:

I was afraid of failure. Getting divorced for the second time in my life meant there was something wrong with me, even though both X’s cheated. When I found out my first XWW had cheated, over 25 years ago, I immediately filed and divorced her. There was no hesitation in my mind. This time it was very different. I had so much more to lose and less time to recover. 

I had lost my balls somewhere along the way. My XWW was doing just barely enough to keep me from leaving and I was excepting her scraps as enough. I stupidly chose to remain hopeful because it was easier for me…for about a year. At that point I became pissed off, filed for divorce and told her to get the hell out. Even with everything to lose, I still woke up, found my balls, and decided I would rather be alone with half of what I had than stay with a lying, cheating b***h. :moon:


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

I think Dude007 is on the right track. 

IMO the reason BH's hang on is because of the kids. Most of the time the BEST any man is going to get is 50/50 custody(assuming the WW isn't completely nuts). In many states the Dad is going to get much less than 50/50. For many, I'm sure it's a tough decision, divorce WW and see kids on weekends or try to save a bad marriage and get to see the kids all the time.


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## BrokenLady (Jan 19, 2015)

After years of litigation my friend has complete custody of HIS 3 children. Logistically it took a lot of organizing & some career sacrifices. Legally it was an uphill battle that exhausted him emotionally but it's been so worth it! They are a lovely little family.

He makes sure they visit & maintain a relationship with their mother but they are no longer inflicted with the 'crazy' & they're not vulnerable to her appalling taste in lovers. 

The kids are thriving! It's been an amazing journey to watch. All of the 'mental health' (ADD etc) issues are gone. No more acting out at school. Great grades. He knew what was right for his children & never gave-up the fight. Wonderful father :smile2:


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

BrokenLady said:


> After years of litigation my friend has complete custody of HIS 3 children. Logistically it took a lot of organizing & some career sacrifices. Legally it was an uphill battle that exhausted him emotionally but it's been so worth it! They are a lovely little family.
> 
> He makes sure they visit & maintain a relationship with their mother but they are no longer inflicted with the 'crazy' & they're not vulnerable to her appalling taste in lovers.
> 
> The kids are thriving! It's been an amazing journey to watch. All of the 'mental health' (ADD etc) issues are gone. No more acting out at school. Great grades. He knew what was right for his children & never gave-up the fight. Wonderful father :smile2:


Sounds like one of the good ones, good for him and his kids.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> I think some of the other posters might be right about it being a matter of self-selection.....that the BH's who take the hard line simply don't post as often.


I took a hard line with my xWW. Divorced her and didn't look back. And yeah, I don't post here very often. Sometimes I find it helpful to talk to other men who are going through what I did, offer some points of view, etc. But for the most part, nah. It was almost four years ago. My life is better in just about every conceivable way now. How can I begrudge any actions that led me here?

My xWW tried to get me for everything she could during the divorce. The judgment is coming up for its first renewal, and she came right out and said, "50/50 time, no child support, you pay your day care costs and I'll pay mine." I was stunned, I didn't expect that at all. I was expecting another fight, truthfully. Maybe she learned from the first time through.

I would say my biggest issue is I haven't found anyone special yet. I've had a couple relationships, but they fizzled out about a year in each. I don't mind being single, and every time I've been single I've really moved my career and life forward. But I still miss having someone to sleep next to sometimes.

All in all, if that's my biggest complaint, then life is still pretty damned good. I don't stress about money, bills, my daughter, etc. Life's pretty laid back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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