# 26 years of marriage ending



## seekingcalm58 (Apr 1, 2010)

My story is long and probably not untypical. I have been married for the last 26 years of my life and have two boys (24 and 20). My wife and I dated for 3 years before getting married.

After 7 years of marriage and the birth of two boys, my wife became highly agitated with me whenever I would speak, drive a car, do projects around the house / home or even make love as I was told I wasn't doing it right or I didn't know what I was doing or I was a complete and utter failure. This was such extreme behavior for her that I tried to find out what was going on. I would ask what was wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did I do something to deserve this treatment? A few months into this new behavior I was away on a business trip and when I returned my wife came to me and told me that she has been having and extramarital affair for quite some time and that was just now telling me because the guilt became unbearable (for her). 

We discussed everything that had happened - how she felt ignored and unwanted because I was gone on the road so much over the last few years. I went through all of the emotions - outrage, sorrow, anger, disgust, betrayal, denial. I was going to leave my wife at that point and looking back at it now, I probably made a huge mistake. I was afraid that I would lose my two children. I didn't want them growing up without a father or worse yet, some other man becoming their father. I talked to my minister and decided that I would forgive my wife and that we would work together to ensure that we could get past this. No one in our families knew of this then or even knows today about my wife's infidelity.

So, I got a new job that did not require extensive travel, we bought a newer house and moved to a different part of town, and into a new school district - giving everyone a clean start. 

For a year or so things seemed to be going well, but little by little, my wife's behavior reverted back to the behavior from when she was having her affair. I always forgave my wife, but now she was acting like she did when she was having the affair, so it was becoming hard and more difficult to get it out of my mind. I would ask her what was wrong and why she was yelling all the time and she would yell at me that " I hate you" and "I don't love you" and " I don't care about you" and "I dont know why I married you in the first place". I asked her to go to counseling with me and to get help but she refused. She told me there was nothing wrong with her that it was all my fault. This continued to become a more frequent pattern of behavior that now included public humiliation and castration of me - in grocery stores, in department stores, restaurants, at youth events, etc.. telling me I am not a real man while berating me for something as innocent as a remark about our financial situation or looking for a car or buying a bottle of wine...

This behavior had become steadily worse over the next 14 years - even her friends, her family and our children would ask her to talk to someone and should still refused to seek professional help. It has only been in the last 4 years that I have taken all I can take yet still I have been patient and asked her to seek help. All of my pleas have been rebuffed with rantings and rages of temper and sometimes bordering on violence. I loved my wife and tried to forget everything that happened in the past, but I can take this anymore. She has pounded it in to my head that she doesn't love me anymore, that she doesn't like me and that she doesn't know why she married me. She pushed me outside of our relationship and I can honestly say I don't love her anymore.

Our children are grown - one just finished college the other just starting. The oldest is now engaged to be married and both children are still living at home.

I am planning on leaving my wife now as I can't take the daily/weekly abuse anymore. I think my decision 18 years ago to stay may have been the wrong decision because I fear I have made things worse for our children when I devastate them with this news. 

I want to be happy and I want my children to be happy. I feel the last 18 years have been too much for me and I will need extensive therapy as well as my children.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

I have an idea that your kids will understand. Seek some individual therapy to determine which path will be best for you to take. Fully understand what you would like out of life. There are advantages and disadvantages on whatever path you decide to take. Another few months after 18 years will not make a difference.

Please take care of yourself.

Dennis


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## BishopBurt (Apr 5, 2010)

seekingcalm,

I am worried for your self-esteem after such a sustained peiod of ill treatment and verbal abuse by your wife. I have not heard your wife's version of events obviously, but if everything you have written is accurate, it would seem to me that you have endured a great deal of unfair treatment when you have only ever tried to do what is right. In fact, my guess is that you are already a relatively calm and consciencious person, because many men would have cracked up and left many moons ago .... In fact you should be congratulated for remaining a hard-working stalwart of your marriage for such a long time. Many women would read your post and wish their man could manage such huge efforts, efforts which come across as thoughtful, mature and dignified.

Thoughtful, well-meaning and dignified are not adjectives which spring to mind when trying to describe your wife's behaviour. When some people feel guilty, or emotionally hyped up they often take their feelings out on those they are closest to, they may not mean it, and they may not understand why they are doing it, but in my view this is by no means an exuse - she has behaved in a way which is hurtful for you and your whole family, behaviour which shows real emotional immaturity on her part. You deserve better....

I work with young people with emotional problems, and many of them exhibit aggressive behaviour on account of anger at their parents' divorce or separation, so I think there is a strong case to say you are likely to have helped them to become more stable and stronger adults by remaining in your marriage. But they are now adults, and they will be much better able to cope with your break up if you go ahead with it - in fact I doubt they will want you to remain in an unhappy marriage.

It's time you took your life in your own hands, told your wife how you feel, and do what you feel is right for YOU. I'm worried that the many taunts you have received over the years have left you with little confidence, which makes it even more important for you to regain your confidence, and do what you feel you want for yourself from now on.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Your actions, in refusing to take abuse and getting help for yourself, will set a good example for your kids, even now. Encourage them not to tolerate abuse themselves and let them now how you feel about what you did--how torn, how you don't know if you made the right decision 18 years ago, etc. They can handle it. Good luck; you deserve something much better.


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