# Texting a coworker



## marielea (Apr 3, 2015)

I am so confused, hoping talking through this will help. 

Husband and I have been married for just under a year, together for 4. A woman started working in his department a few months ago, and approx. 2 months ago, I saw texts between them on his phone. Non-work related, but nothing horrible either. So husband and I sat down, and I explained (very calmly I might add) that it makes me uncomfortable that they are texting, and asked that he keep communication between them work related. He said ok, said he understood and that he would. 

So a couple of weeks ago, I asked if I could see his phone, and he instantly got angry and tossed it to me and walked out of the room all huffy muttering about how I'm not going to like it. 

Well, as I'm sure you've guessed, they were still texting. There weren't many on there, and again, nothing horrible, but he is texting her to "smile" with all these smiley faces and it's stuff that just seems odd to me to text to a random person he just met not overly long ago, that he knows his wife is uncomfortable with. 

When I confronted him about it, I only asked why he still was when I had asked him not to. He swears that there is no interest there, and nothing inappropriate, but my issue is that I cannot get over the feeling of being betrayed. He kept saying that he didn't have a good answer and he deleted her number, saying that I am welcome to check his phone records from now on. I don't want to be that wife though... I so desperately want to make our marriage work, but I just haven't been able to shake the suspicion and hurt. 

Please help, any insight or advice would be appreciated.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

He is flirting and walking a fine line with the co-worker. Marriage is a open door on everything with exception of a open door when you are in the bathroom. 

Checking his phone...he has earned it. Check away. Your trust has been compromised. Very hard to get it back. Let your H earn it.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

He didn't stop after you first stated that you were uncomfortable with it. He didn't have the good sense to resist the impulse from the start. He should have been grateful for the calm way you handled it and took it as a warning.

Him knowing you "weren't going to like it" yet still doing it again...It's a pretty clear indicator that he cares more about keeping this (whatever it is) up. Personally I don't think grown men enter into this sort of thing without some fantasy or idea that it is going to go further. It indicates there is trouble that you need to address.

Him saying it won't happen again. Really a third chance? When they work together? Most of the stories we read here go according to the same old script. He will get better at covering his tracks.

Buy the book "Not Just Friends"


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Is this woman married? If so, contact the husband of the texting activity of your husband. I don't text co-workers in my workplace. I have worked in the same office for 25 years. If it is important to contact them, I email officially from the work email address.

This texting activity and the way your husband reacted is in the initial phase of an affair. Stop this activity if you are going to survive in this marriage. Your husband does not respect you nor is afraid of any consequences.


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## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

I have been going through this exact same dilemma, my wife initially reacted as if there was nothing wrong with it and decided to hide it from me until I blew a gasket. One thing in life I have always put a huge value on is trust, and after discovering this in my relationship it has been very hard to try and work through it.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is pretty serious stuff for one year into a marriage. I really think the two of you should go to counseling together. Try not to be accusatory--he knows darn well he's wrong, and as far as we know (from what you have said), he did not try to defend his actions (yet). 

Also remember that he not only communicated with someone inappropriately, then continued after you expressed concern; he also AGREED to stop and then kept doing it. This lie or whatever it was could get lost in the discussion of the texting and OW, but the lying can be a huge issue in and of itself.

Please do not give him too many chances. Honestly, if he crosses a line one more time, you should bail--you only have a few years invested and no kids, right? I personally would say hang it up right now--no third chance--but adjusting to the reality of marriage can be unsettling, and my ex did some weird stuff about one year out, so maybe that's just the way some guys (maybe women, too) react at that point--at the realization that the honeymoon is over and this is marriage. So, good luck whatever you decide.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband is flirting with another woman. More than likely it is an emotional affair on his part, possibly hers as well. They didn't just happen on their numbers by chance, it takes communication. He is spending time and giving attention to her rather than you and you have a right to be uncomfortable with that. He knows what he is doing is wrong but he is justifying his actions based on the premise that sex has not happened. However, what is happening now is how affairs result given that this is mutual. She is not innocent either. I have found that office affairs might start thru innocence but these women know that the men are loving their attention and they too are seeking this.

What you have seen and his lack of honesty to end this like he promised destroys your trust which is a natural response to his actions. He also is not being honest with you about his feelings and you want top believe him but there is no reason for him to be carry on with another woman like he is without having the desire for her. You are in limbo because you want to believe him, you want to think there is something wrong with you and maybe this is innocent and question your feelings. There is nothing to question. You need to trust your gut feelings on this. It needs to end and it needs to end now or you leave him to his little honey.

My husband was involved in 3 of these situations, all office babes. I did like you, wondered if they really were just friends, etc. With the first it was obvious that she was not interested in him but was being kind, he was the one pursuing her. With the second one she was mutually interested in husband and I have wondered how far it actually went. He claims once she started talking about sex that he backed off. It takes alot of building up to reach the point of talking about sex. The third time the lady knew exactly what was going on and she was loving the attention even though she might not have had the same amount of interest. I actually confronted the third lady and told her to stay away from my husband.

The real issues lie with your husband though. he has to be aware that this is not good for the marriage, he has to be the one to cut it off, he has to be the one to admit to his errors and see what he has done was a betrayal to the marriage. He also has to be honest with you about his feelings and if he wants to stay in the marriage he has to promise that this will never happen again with anyone.

My husband lied and lied about his feelings towards these women for years, that bothered me as I saw how he was reacting to them and how he was not reacting to me. His time and attention was going to them, it does not feel good and you wonder what is wrong with you. This is not about you just like it was not about me. Finally in marriage counseling all this came out. He confessed to feelings about these women, wondered what sex would be like with them, he admitted to pursuing them and his interest in them. He still did not see the relationships as emotional affairs as he did not have sex with the ladies. It was the counselor that made it very clear to him that these were emotional affairs and that any time you spend pursuing a person of the opposite sex is taking time and affection from your marriage and basically damaging the marriage.

Ask your husband how he would feel to find texts like he was sending on your cell phone to and from some other man. Ask him what his response would be.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Ok, maybe I'm not the paragon of sense here but I have no problem with it - I value teamwork and good relationships and such messages are not that uncommon in my team and in my company overall. 

(Glad to see Corporate HR is on top of things )

As long as we are not talking teenage amount of texting, inappropriate pics, etc I have no problem. 

If the OP feels uncomfortable I would try to get to the bottom of why she feels this way and respect her wishes as much as possible, but at some point we are all adults and should be trusted a bit.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Problem is she told her husband it made her uncomfortable, he agreed it would stop.

It didn't stop. It continued, in secret. So trusting him a bit goes out the window.

I text with many of my coworkers as well, make and female. I'm on the road a lot so texting is the easiest and most convenient form of communication. In the typical workplace setting, I see less need for it. Besides, according to OP the Texts weren't work related. Not necessary.

What's more important to him - a reasonable request from his wife, or sending smiley texts to a new female coworker?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Notwithstanding the obvious issues within the marriage, which I’m not addressing, texting and other communications between work colleagues, particularly where there is a “discoverable” record between co-workers and especially male/female; these should always be at a high level of strictly business and professional i.e., no smiley faces and texting jingo e.g., “BRB, OMG, etc.”

And God forbid either of the devices are “company owned” or “BYOD – Bring Your Own Device” (which really isn’t your own device with respect to company matters), then this fellow needs a dope slap of reality re. potential consequences.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

john117 said:


> Ok, maybe I'm not the paragon of sense here but I have no problem with it - I value teamwork and good relationships and such messages are not that uncommon in my team and in my company overall.
> 
> (Glad to see Corporate HR is on top of things )
> 
> ...


I get where you're coming from, however OP did say she asked him respectfully and calmly to please not do that anymore, and told him why. Husband agreed.

Then he did it again.

Now it's a problem. More over, it shows that husband was just giving her lip service and probably had no intentions of stopping.

Take away any thoughts of an EA (or worse) for a second, and what you're left with is a lack of respect, and that's where OP is with her husband. It almost doesn't matter if something is going on, the point right now is that husband is putting this woman ahead of his wife, no matter how harmless it is, or ever will be.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree there is some merit to the idea that she will have to validate often-but who wants to live like that? Having to check his phone and all other devices, on to which he will install or create whatever he thinks it takes to hide his tracks. "Be that wife" means living in a marriage without trust. 

OP, create a boundary beyond which he cannot stray. Be very clear in your own mind that this isn't a game, that he cannot come back and say, "Oh, I didn't think you meant blah, blah, blah." You cannot possibly have every avenue of deceit covered when you lay it out for him, so the bottom line must be that all his behavior is above reproach, which means NOTHING that needs to be "explained." Honest people do not need to make a lot of explanations--because they do what they say they will do, they are where they said they will be, they use what they say they will use and nothing else (in all ways), and on the very rare occasion that something changes--a problem with a car, for example, or anything out of the ordinary--it is extremely rare, they bring you in on it without having to get "caught" and come up with the explanation on the spot, and yet they don't over-involve you. 

I cannot imagine being in a marriage without this kind of trust. You don't have it--he has destroyed it. 

BUT, after laying it on the line for him, and making it clear that he gets no more chances, you could just choose to trust him again. Assume the best. Work through your anger and return to who you were-a loving, trusting wife--before this betrayal. You will know if he continues to deserve it. You will know the moment something goes off. You will get that feeling in your stomach and you will realize he could not do it. If you get to that moment, you will know you gave it your best shot and you will be able to leave, knowing he was not worth your trust. Doesn't make him worthless--just makes him untrustworthy, a man you cannot be married to.

He might grow up, and he might not. His need for attention may lead to the demise of your marriage, or you may grow into a very strong couple as you work together and individually through counseling. But you and he are at a crossroads, and he needs to understand that. 

But, for yourself, do not be that woman who lives forever in a marriage without trust. What is the point?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

OP needs to address possible insecurities... Not a whole lot of texting with my team is work related


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

john117 said:


> OP needs to address possible insecurities... Not a whole lot of texting with my team is work related


Maybe so. However, she calmly told her H she was uncomfortable with this. He continued to do so anyway, even though he said he would not. He literally ignored her, lied, and proceeded to do the very thing that she asked him to please keep professional. That clearly shows how much he doesn't care about her feelings. That he is going to do what he wants to do regardless of how she feels. 

He should have, instead, continued to talk with his wife about what makes her uncomfortable while still maintaining a professional relationship with this co-worker. If at a later date, her and her H worked through this insecurity - friends at the workplace could be met with personal texts. 

Op, to become a snooper is a very long, stressful road. You don't want to live a life where you're constantly having to check up on your spouse. To some, it becomes an obsession. A dangerous obsession. 

Continue to talk to your H. Let him know why you feel uncomfortable with this. Let him know that it would mean a great deal to you if he would please keep things professional with this woman. 

If there is an insecurity on your part, explain to him what it is and what you plan on doing in order to resolve the insecurity, if it can be resolved. Take every step necessary in order to work this out for you guys to come to a compromise.


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## BrutalHonesty (Apr 5, 2015)

> I don't want to be that wife though...


It's not about what you want. It's about what you need to keep your marriage a thing of two people and only two people. In my experience, men and women can only be friends if there is no attraction at all. If there is some, then a friendship is like flour in the oven... It will bake into something else.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

john117 said:


> OP needs to address possible insecurities... Not a whole lot of texting with my team is work related


Wife got a vibe that the texts were the start of things. Smiley that can seem a little too keen and cheeky is enough to get the radar going and sounds like wife is smart and not being insecure IMO.

The husband stated that when the phone was viewed that the OP would not like what she sees. That clearly means husband knew a line had been crossed.

Be really interesting to see if texts are after hours, etc.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

john117 said:


> OP needs to address possible insecurities... Not a whole lot of texting with my team is work related


Ah him saying he would stop but then not stopping almost voids insecurity as a valid argument. They had a conversation and they made an agreement and failed to hold to the agreement. He flat out lied and that's betrayal. Not very complicated. His character is weakened and her hope that he just didn't realize that it was wrong is not going to hold water any more. The benefit of the doubt was given and he took advantage of that.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Said wife would have a litter of Maine **** kittens if she ever found out what board games we play in our UX Lab monthly board game meets... 

View attachment 33610


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

john117 said:


> Said wife would have a litter of Maine **** kittens if she ever found out what board games we play in our UX Lab monthly board game meets.


And if those games turn into texts with smilies that give someone pause based on context then you tell your spouse do cut all contact.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

john117 said:


> Said wife would have a litter of Maine **** kittens if she ever found out what board games we play in our UX Lab monthly board game meets...
> 
> View attachment 33610


Either you're speaking in code or I've drank too much Merlot (or both). What?


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Who got who's number first? And why or how did they become fast friends if she just started working there? Both are out seeking attention. The least of your worries right now is if she knows he's married bc let's face it, I'm sure she's noticed he is or someone has mentioned it. It is him who needs a talking to. A firm one. He is opening the door for something to possibly enter the room, aka your marriage. He is looking out for his best interest right now which is to seek attention or whatever._Who cares if my wife told me she feels uncomfortable with this. _ His ego is talking to him, not you. Squish that sucker! 
Don't be afraid to look like a b****, he is obviously not afraid to look like a a**.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Thundarr said:


> Either you're speaking in code or I've drank too much Merlot (or both). What?



No code. A number of people from my team at work meet once a month and play board games or video games and pig out. This includes some younger members and former members of both genders. 

I think I'm the only married one  and the older by a decade. Let's just say my team at work has an incredible working chemistry.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

john117 said:


> No code. A number of people from my team at work meet once a month and play board games or video games and pig out. This includes some younger members and former members of both genders.
> 
> I think I'm the only married one  and the older by a decade. Let's just say my team at work has an incredible working chemistry.


An organised once a month get together is much different then texting all hours of night and day with smilies that in certain context give a person reason to feel uneasy.

Most people don't text opposite sex coworkers incessantly and discuss personal lives. Unless there is clear understanding about boundaries and what's acceptable I think it's a very slippery slope to allow things to go unchecked. Friends can be more than friends given the right conditions.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You must not be familiar with the board game "cards against humanity" 

We also text each other on a regular basis, occasionally work related but more often than not, not.

As for discussing personal lives... As the resident psychologist I have heard it all. From Florida divorce laws to child emancipation to you name it.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

john117 said:


> You must not be familiar with the board game "cards against humanity"
> 
> We also text each other on a regular basis, occasionally work related but more often than not, not.
> 
> As for discussing personal lives... As the resident psychologist I have heard it all. From Florida divorce laws to child emancipation to you name it.


In the past my job had a forum where we discussed work issues and occasion off topic stuff.

However, it was not isolated to 1:1 situations, ever. In the case of the OP I think you are being a bit coy about what may be occuring. 

Sure some texting can occur but there is a line for most people what they will tolerate their spouse to be exchanging with others.


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## jd08 (Nov 20, 2012)

I text with female co-workers after office hours and it's not always related to work though it usually is. I consider them to be friends but I know where the line is and they do too. We don't cross into inappropriate conversations. It really depends on the people involved and their boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

john117 said:


> You must not be familiar with the board game "cards against humanity"


lol. great card game. My SO introduced me to it this year, she heard of it through kickstarter.

I haven't laughed so hard in my life, and didn't have a drop of alcohol in me


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

staarz21 said:


> Maybe so. However, she calmly told her H she was uncomfortable with this. He continued to do so anyway, even though he said he would not. He literally ignored her, lied, and proceeded to do the very thing that she asked him to please keep professional. That clearly shows how much he doesn't care about her feelings.
> 
> Op, to become a snooper is a very long, stressful road. You don't want to live a life where you're constantly having to check up on your spouse. To some, it becomes an obsession. A dangerous obsession.


:iagree:



Thundarr said:


> Ah him saying he would stop but then not stopping almost voids insecurity as a valid argument. They had a conversation and they made an agreement and failed to hold to the agreement. *He flat out lied and that's betrayal.*


:iagree:



jdawg2015 said:


> Wife got a vibe that the texts were the start of things.


A little woman's intuition goes a LONG way.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I think the mistake was made with you stating a discomfort with the expectation of automatic compliance and him lying to you about a behavior he had no real issue with.

I know some will disagree, but merely telling your spouse that their behavior makes you uncomfortable isn't always license to get what you want. Both of you have to agree that the boundary is important. If you didn't have an actual conversation with your husband about whether he fundamentally agreed with the boundary, then it's going to be difficult for him to fundamentally comply. Likewise he was totally irresponsible in making an empty promise, simply for placation sake, if he didn't really see the big deal; the lying was foolish and wrong.

My wife doesn't police who I text, or about what, and I don't do the same. Now IF one of us developed a problem with a particular person, for whatever reason, we'd need to discuss the reason why one of us is uncomfortable. The end result might be a cessation of the non-work related texts, yes, but that's not an automatic outcome or expectation. It's also likely that the one of us with the problem is harboring some insecurity that ultimately has nothing to do with that particular co-worker or situation, and that would be dealt with instead. You've got to talk openly about these things and both parties have to be heard.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

jaquen said:


> *I think the mistake was made with you stating a discomfort *with the expectation of automatic compliance and him lying to you about a behavior he had no real issue with.
> 
> I know some will disagree, but merely telling your spouse that their behavior makes you uncomfortable isn't always license to get what you want. Both of you have to agree that the boundary is important. If you didn't have an actual conversation with your husband about whether he fundamentally agreed with the boundary, then it's going to be difficult for him to fundamentally comply. Likewise he was totally irresponsible in making an empty promise, simply for placation sake, if he didn't really see the big deal; the lying was foolish and wrong.
> 
> My wife doesn't police who I text, or about what, and I don't do the same. Now IF one of us developed a problem with a particular person, for whatever reason, we'd need to discuss the reason why one of us is uncomfortable. The end result might be a cessation of the non-work related texts, yes, but that's not an automatic outcome or expectation. It's also likely that the one of us with the problem is harboring some insecurity that ultimately has nothing to do with that particular co-worker or situation, and that would be dealt with instead. You've got to talk openly about these things and both parties have to be heard.


I would also like to point out how toxic that word "uncomfortable" and its various permutations, like "discomfort."

I find people throw the word(s) around without being specific in what exactly is making them uncomfortable. To simply say "I'm not comfortable with that" and like the Lord of the Manor, expect other people to adjust to your whims is just a bit entitled.

and then there are some people who can really turn things around..... they guy I dated now 10 years ago and his weird habits in bed...... when i would ask him "do you have a problem in going down on me", his standard issue for a few months was "I don't know what you're comfortable with." 

(FTR, he knew what I was comfortable with... if I withheld sex from him long enough, he would not be able to get his face down there fast enough when I did finally open the gates......)

whether family member, spouse, bf, date, friend, co-worker, etc. someone who cannot be more specific with me than "I'm not comfortable with that" is someone I will try to put as much distance between us as possible.


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