# I think my husband feels threatened....



## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

I am going back to school and I think he feels threatened.

To start at the beginning, we have been married for almost 18 years. When we first got married I had 2 years of college under my belt and was going to go to school as soon as I established residency in his state. However, in the meantime he got involved into a multi-level business and all our money went there so I couldn't go to school. It became clear after a while that wasn't going to go anywhere but by then we had our first child. We agreed that I would stay home and raise babies and it was all good. Then about 11 years ago he lost his good 6-figure income and in the following year went through 3 more layoffs. He felt depressed and didn't want to work in his industry anymore so decided to take a "break" before going back to school to do something slightly different. 

He took a job doing manual labor that makes 1/3 what he did before and I had to start working. I managed to afford my own training for a job I could do from home and have done that as well as working nights for a while to help supplement the income. Together, we make less than half what he did before. Of course, I am no longer a true "stay at home mom". In 11 years he has done nothing to change the situation. He hates it, complains about his job all the time, and I have been very patient, working my tail off to do 6 different things at once. I am so tired of it all.

This year I decided to pursue getting my degree. It has been too long since I was in school so I have to repeat everything. I found out about financial aide and loans and have been continuing to work and care for the house and the kids while I pursue my degree. In 18-24 months I should be done with my degree and within 3 months I will be able to work with an associate version of my degree and make pretty good money. I will be making better money at the end of it. I will definitely out-earn him.

We have had a lot of problems in our marriage through the years but have stuck it out, partly because of limited options with finances but mostly because we love our kids and want them to have a happy, healthy, family. 

However, the past few months he has been impossible. He is angry all the time. He won't help when I ask for little things. He has now decided he is done with his job, hates it and is going to find something else...that is great, I am glad to hear it. But he seems to be so angry at me about going back to school. He keeps bringing things up about how we cannot take another winter road trip vacation like we did last year...for 11 days....except I worked that entire vacation and it was not that fun for me. But we cannot do that again because I am in school. Then we were arguing and he said something about how once I have my degree and am making good money I will just leave him anyway. I cannot argue the thought has gone through my mind, especially lately.

But how do I help him see, that I am doing this so all of us can have better lives together...but if he keeps acting this way then the kids and I will have a better life without him because the degree will be my escape ticket?

I don't want to get a divorce. I have always loved him, even though he is a very difficult person to love. I don't want this to end, but when everything I say or do sparks him being grumpy and mean, I don't want to live this way either. I think that it is threatening his "man card" to think that his wife could go to school and make more money than he does at his manual labor only need a high school diploma kind of job...but he has a freaking degree. He could get a better job. He could have had a better job all these years and not put such a financial strain on our family.

I don't know what to do and I am so tired of working so hard to get along with him. I know I am not perfect. I know I do things that annoy him. I have been working all morning on a list of things that I know irritate him so I can work harder not to do those things. I have been compiling a list of things that I need so if the opportunity ever arises I can tell him those things. But he is just frustrated and angry and rude right now. 

Please, any input or advise is appreciated. Help me understand him if you can. I know he has some psychological diagonses that probably are relevant. He was raised by exceptionally abusive parents, verbally and physically. He seems to have some traits of borderline personality disorder, has diagnosed depression and used to have lots of anxiety attacks. In fact, the way he is acting now is similar to the anxiety attacks he used to have.

We have been so far down in a pit for a long time and now there is a light at the end of the tunnel. For the past 3 years our marriage has been better than it ever was. He has been getting help from his depression, we are living firmly within our means, saving some money, and now I have found a way to go to school with only borrowing minimal funds that I can pay off before the beginning of each new semester. I see that things are going to only get better and better, but it is like switch has been flipped to unhappy for my husband. :scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Gets some MC (marriage counseling).

I'm concerned for you...with you going off to continue your schooling you will be around young guys and both me and your husband are concerned you don't have the tools to affair proof the marriage.


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

the guy said:


> Gets some MC (marriage counseling).
> 
> I'm concerned for you...with you going off to continue your schooling you will be around young guys and both me and your husband are concerned you don't have the tools to affair proof the marriage.


I am not sure I understand this. We have been through extensive marriage counseling. An affair is not a concern. I am not that kind of person and he knows that for a certainty. If he were concerned about that he would not give me "free reign" to go visit friends, family etc alone without him, which I do several times a year. Plus, my son is taking classes with me at the college, so even if he were concerned about indiscretion that would solve that problem.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Carisma said:


> He seems to have some traits of borderline personality disorder, has diagnosed depression and used to have lots of anxiety attacks.


People like this fear abandonment A LOT!!! His anger is coming from the fact that he fears you making that money and leaving him. The irony is he's behaving in such a way to make sure you will leave. Counseling 'might' help him see this if you can get him to go. School is a threat to him and he's taking it out on you because he's scared and doesn't know what to do with those feelings.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> he said something about how once I have my degree and am making good money I will just leave him anyway.





> He was raised by exceptionally abusive parents, verbally and physically. He seems to have some traits of borderline personality disorder, has diagnosed depression and used to have lots of anxiety attacks. In fact, the way he is acting now is similar to the anxiety attacks he used to have.


He was abused as a child, started working and defined himself as the family man that provides for his family. It didn't work out so good as he expected and he is feeling a little like a failure.

Then you move towards becoming the main income provider completing his notion of failure. He also knows that women often lose respect for men they out-earn. 

Hence he is feeling the approaching doom, closer and closer everyday, fulfilling his past prophecies of abject defeat in life. Being abandoned by his wife, ending up alone and broken, probably proving his abusive parents right when they kept cussing him and putting him down.


There, i think i've just gave you an insight of what is going on within his mind. He is suffering from anticipation (hence the anxiety attacks) of that moment when you will tell him you are leaving him, proving him as broken and unlovable.

The funny thing is, by what you wrote, you're about to make his predictions come through. Instead of upping your displays of love apparently you went into fight mode, further reinforcing his notion that he is about to get dumped. And that in turn causes more anxiety and more disruptive behaviors. 

People with his history have a huge problem of communicating their feelings. Basically because if they did, in the environment they grew up in, they would get eaten alive. So, it's aggression, it's conflict, it's attrition. 

Maybe, if you are interested that is, you should spend sometime studying the man you are married to. I do not envy your task. It's a tough pill. But you did marry this guy, so he must have something good about him right?


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Maybe, if you are interested that is, you should spend sometime studying the man you are married to. I do not envy your task. It's a tough pill. *But you did marry this guy, so he must have something good about him right?*


Thank-you. Your input is helpful. 

Yes, I did marry him. I have stood beside him for 11 years while he piddled around trying to make nothing out of nothing for his job. For the first many years I was supportive, just kept encouraging him, but he did NOTHING to change it.

At this point I do have a significant amount of resentment about it all. He has a degree, a good one. He could have made something else work with minimal retraining when his industry kind of dried up. He didn't. As a result I have been working myself to death, doing the work of 3 people, while he went to his seasonal job that he hated and complained about it all the time. 

When I got tired of waiting and decided I was going to improve things for our family, all of the sudden his mad at me, being unkind and aggressive, and he is going to find a different job. If my moving forward motivates him to change something, wonderful. 

The thing I wish he could understand is that I don't WANT to leave when I can afford to. I don't want that. I want to be happily married to HIM. But if he doesn't change the way he is behaving, he is going to drive me away! I have tolerated a lot of unpleasant behavior over the years because I didn't have an option. A few years ago I was at the verge of leaving because of his behavior and was going to just go live with my parents. He agreed to get marriage counseling and we worked through things and it has been so much better for the past 3 years. Now, in the past 5 months, since this school thing came up, it is like he has reverted to all the behaviors that made me say "I just cannot do this anymore" 4 years ago.

He does have lots of good qualities...but honestly, when things are this mucky - I cannot see them. All I see is his criticism, mean attitude, etc. I want to see through that and be tolerant of his quirks. I know he has lots of "fragile areas" because of his child hood. 

But, I couldn't sit around and wait for him to change the status quo on our families income. Plus, my job is going to be going away given the onset of electronic medical records and electronic coding and billing that is being required by law. I NEED something else or we will be worse off than we were right after he got laid off. We are looking down the barrel of 2 kids in college and I have no way to afford that on our current income. Why can't he understand that I am doing this for all of us?

I am going to try to see his good points and be more patient and not fight back when he is unkind.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Carisma,

After reading your post, what jumped out at me the most wasn't that your husband feels threatened by your potential future earning power but the unspoken problems the two of you seem to have in your marriage.

In the body of your post you say things like " We have had a lot of problems in our marriage through the years but have stuck it out, partly because of limited options with finances but mostly because we love our kids and want them to have a happy, healthy, family."

and

"he said something about how once I have my degree and am making good money I will just leave him anyway. I cannot argue the thought has gone through my mind, especially lately."

There is something other that is causing the distress in this marriage. Your ability to potentially surpass his earnings is just another symptom of the problems. 

Get the two of you into MC as soon as possible and be sure your husband is up to date on any and all meds he may be taking for his issues. When was the last time he saw his doctors?


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Carisma,
> 
> After reading your post, what jumped out at me the most wasn't that your husband feels threatened by your potential future earning power but the unspoken problems the two of you seem to have in your marriage.
> 
> ...


He saw his doctor about 2 months ago. MC is really not an option at this point. We don't have ANY insurance, another reason I am pursuing my education so I can get a job that provides it. All of our medical costs are out of pocket. Our medications are out of pocket. Counseling is out of pocket. Affording those things are not in the near future other than the necessary appointments to check his depression meds and doctor.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I read all you wrote but i'm going to focus on one aspect of it. All your aspirations and the situation as you evaluate it is valid. But i'm going to pick this out:



> The thing I wish he could understand is that I don't WANT to leave when I can afford to. I don't want that. I want to be happily married to HIM. But if he doesn't change the way he is behaving, he is going to drive me away! I have tolerated a lot of unpleasant behavior over the years because I didn't have an option. A few years ago I was at the verge of leaving because of his behavior and was going to just go live with my parents. He agreed to get marriage counseling and we worked through things and it has been so much better for the past 3 years. Now, in the past 5 months, since this school thing came up, it is like he has reverted to all the behaviors that made me say "I just cannot do this anymore" 4 years ago.


Let's focus on this. You want to be with him, you want to be happy with him. And so, you tell him that if he doesn't act differently then "I just cannot do this anymore".

I understand you. It's hard and he is driving you away with in apparently insane fear of losing what he has. Completely based and sound feelings. Honest feelings. 

The thing is, on his side things don't get registered like this. You have to understand that his world filter (we all have a filter from which we perceive the world around us) makes him see the situation in a totally different way. 

He sees every such comment "I just cannot do this anymore" and other of similar ilk as announcements of foreboding doom. He doesn't take in the "if this doesn't stop" part that precedes it. All he focus on is the uttmost worse scenario. 

The guy thinks he is failing in all fields the "if" part is just a matter of time before he fails and the worst happens. Sounds crazy? Maybe, but it seems to be working that way.

Basically you are talking two different languages. In your language the worse case scenario only happens if something under his control fails. You see it as moderately easy to change.

In his language you are telling him he is on probation. Being tested. On condition. You only want to be with him if... He manages to perform.

This is why he is scrambling for new work and all the rest. He is desperate. Huge fear of abandonment. 

He is psychologically preparing to be dumped. 

What i suggest is that you turn this around a bit. Show him *unconditional love*. Try to make him feel like there is *nothing that can come between you two* and that you *love him for him*, not for his income.

And, specially, no more recriminatory talk about how he could have made better professional choices. Either he could or not that is more or less irrelevant at the moment isn't it?


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## Carisma (Aug 24, 2012)

I hear what you are saying Costa. I will try harder with the unconditional love bit. 

As far as his career choices etc, as far as I know I never make those comments to him. When he tells me how much he hates his job I do sometimes try to help him see things from a different perspective, ie that maybe people are "mistreating" him because of the way he interacts with them. However, this morning he made it crystal clear that he NEVER EVER wants to her that kind of input again. Done...I don't need to say those kinds of things. He says that when I try to shed a different light on things that is tearing him down, keeping him in this "spiraling downward vortex of his terrible job". Whatever, I certainly never meant to do that.

I will try this of zip my lip, say nothing but positive cheerleader kind of things and show him unconditional love. Sometimes it just gets to me...like when is it MY TURN to be taken care of, shown love, coddled if you will? I want to make the best of this but there is this little child inside my head saying "what about me?"


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK. I don't have much advice to offer other than you can show him better than you can tell him. Unfortunately his mindset won't allow him to be supportive of what you want to do. I've been in your situation before, and frankly it sucks royally. It feels like nobody cares about you and what you want out of life, and the only thing that does matter is you continuing to make everyone around you happy 24/7. 

Don't allow his negativity to keep you down, or prevent you from acheiving your goals. Forge forward and show him you are not only doing this for yourself but for your family too.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> As far as his career choices etc, as far as I know I never make those comments to him. When he tells me how much he hates his job I do sometimes try to help him see things from a different perspective, ie that maybe people are "mistreating" him because of the way he interacts with them. However, this morning he made it crystal clear that he NEVER EVER wants to her that kind of input again. Done...I don't need to say those kinds of things. He says that when I try to shed a different light on things that is tearing him down, keeping him in this "spiraling downward vortex of his terrible job". Whatever, I certainly never meant to do that.


See, that is exactly what i'm talking about. To you, those were helping comments. Your desire to see your guy move on to better things. For him they were criticisms and recriminations. 

Totally different filters. Every conversation about jobs and income is a minefield. 



> Sometimes it just gets to me...like when is it MY TURN to be taken care of, shown love, coddled if you will? I want to make the best of this but there is this little child inside my head saying "what about me?"


That's perfectly valid and not an uncommon complaint of partners of people with your husband's history. But have hope. The better he feels about himself the more in position will he be to be the husband you deserve. 

Also, when you are able (health insurance in place) have him see a doctor to check if he need medication. If you don't want to bring that up yourself take him to marriage counsel and have the counselor ask him to go.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Carisma, your story resonates with me an awful lot. My advice to you is to continue your schooling. Do NOT put yourself aside for him any more. Period. You are right -- your situation is very tenuous right now, too. There is no sense in pulling back your career aspirations because it may upset him. 

The fact is, nothing you do or avoid doing will heal what it going on inside of him. I've been there. I know. I tried nothing but positives, I tried cheerleading, I dropped my own schooling to take care of him, working multiple jobs while he went through a mental breakdown, etc. I worked on my resentment, read tons of books, went to counseling (so did he, in fact), but you are neither the cause nor the solution to the bad programming he had in his childhood. 

He needs to deal with his background no matter what you do. That's not to say you've done everything correctly -- nobody does. Your feelings are valid and important. There is no reason you have to just shut up and grin and bear it. 

Seek out a group (sometimes there are even free ones) that supports family members of those with mental illness. Look to see if there's a NAMI chapter in your area. They may be able to help you. If he does have a personality disorder, unconditional love is not going to help. It's not going to heal him or make him feel more secure or fear abandonment any less. 

I always recommend this book -- check your library for it, or perhaps they can interlibrary loan it for you:

Depression Fallout (also issued at How You Can Survive When They're Depressed) by Anne Sheffield. 

Also take some time to search the web for forums specifically dealing with spouses of those with diagnoses like your husband's. The negativity of depression and other illnesses has a way of being contagious. You need to take care of yourself, whether he changes or not.

I hear the pain and exhaustion in you. You are worth it. Take care of yourself. ((hugs))


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