# 10+ Marriage coming to an end - Need Advice



## theguynextdoor (May 19, 2018)

Hello All,

Looking for advice from other folks who have gone through this. Quick background - 40 year male in the middle of a separation/divorce from my wife. Have 1 son aged 8. Wife complained after 8 years that there is no passion/romance left in our marriage. We tried marriage counseling for 6 months but it didn't help at all. Tried other things (date nights, alone time) but nothing was helping. I think after trying for 1 year, she had emotionally and mentally checked out. There is no infidelity (atleast as much as I know) on either side.

Anyways, I moved out 2 months back and have been staying separately. Our son alternates every week with each parent. Surprisingly he has been taking this very well. I unfortunately have not been in good shape. Really missing her, our family and most importantly our whole life. Had a sit down with her this Friday with the hope of reconciliation but she's saying it's too late. She can't think of me as a romantic partner anymore and she thinks she will be better off single. 

We will probably start the legal process after a month (family visiting out of state and my son's birthday coming up). So far we have committed to do this in a civil manner with equitable distribution of assets + custody.

My questions to the group are more around coping with this grief and how everyone else dealt with this time -

1) I am reading couple of books (Getting past your breakup + Crazy Time) to understand this grief process. What else do you recommend?
2) How has the experience been with a therapist? Any recommendations for the Boston area?
3) Unfortunately I don't have many close friends (which was my fault as I was too involved with my marriage and let friendships suffer). I have started to look at meetups to seek out new friends
4) Luckily have been eating healthy and going to join a Gym soon.
5) Work has been very accommodating. Mon - Fri 40 hours of work has been very rewarding 

Would love to hear feedback/suggestions. If there are any folks in the Boston area, please private message me as I would love to speak/meet up as well.

Thanks all!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Here's the thing man, whether it's an affair or not, emotionally being checked out for whatever reason in the female psyche, leaves a path for no coming back, at least in most cases and for a long while. It sucks, sucks really bad and it's what I am going through right now, although, almost at the end and about 2 weeks or so from her being out and the divorce being final in about a month .... all went down in the matter of a year. Affair began in May, (soft)D-Day in June, a few weeks of false recovery and then her saying she would be better off single/alone. It wasn't until December I found out the depths of her deceit and how deep the affair was. I essentially, after 17 years and 2 kids became her obstacle and enemy to happiness in her own mind.

Getting you past this is the most important part, no matter how this happened. However, I think figuring out how you got here is what helps you grieve, move on and not make the same 'mistakes' if that was even a choice you had. So, like most of us, I think we are curious as to how it may have come to this. And what that means, is it may not be the case but more often than not, it does sound like she found someone else at the 7-8 year mark.

Right before and during the time she started to bring the issues to your attention, did you notice any changes in her own behavior or appearance. More attached to her phone, going out with friends more, being involved in things that didn't involve you more? New clothes, underwear, etc?

Again, she may have hit an emotional impasse, her own mid-life crisis, etc. But sadly, more often than not, at least to those that come here. It involves someone else. The problem is sometimes you might never expect it because someone that you knew for so long, once involved in an affair will lie about anything to anybody and at anytime and make you believe you are crazy for even thinking it. Even people like my STBXW who are integral parts of our parish and part of a good family upbringing. They also do a great job of projection, which puts the onus of the marriage's failures on you, making you feel guilty and seemingly at fault for all of it. 

It does sound like you have taken responsibility for the failures but why? You said family was the most important thing to you and it sounds like you devoted a lot more energy to the family then bettering yourself or having your own life outside of the marriage. While this sounds great and admirable, it's the route I took for the most part, it sadly creates a feeling of attractiveness for the spouse.

Keep replying, posting questions, etc. We'll help you with what we can, our own experiences and what we can do to help you move on.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Can you describe what sort of intimacy you had before all this started? What was your sex life like? How often were you affectionate with her? How was it at the beginning of your relationship versus the end?

One fortunate aspect is that your son is young enough that he'll get used to this quickly. Once they get to be older than 12 or so, they have a harder time with the divorce. As long as you and her can be civil parents, he will likely adjust just fine.

If you don't have any close friends, then a therapist can be invaluable to just be a good listener. If nothing else, talking it out can get a lot of bad feelings out of your head.

I'm glad you're thinking about going to the gym. Surprisingly enough, you may find that good workouts will improve your mood more than just about anything else. To maximize this effect, work out as hard as you can. Doing light workouts won't energize your body as much and boredom will allow your mind to wander and dwell on your situation. Instead, workout hard doing weightlifting or join classes like bootcamp or kickboxing. If you're new to exercise, start with instructor-lead classes (for the guidance and motivation) and start out easy (to avoid injury). 

As for reconciliation, you should be realistic about the possibility. While it's true that you may be able to convince her to get back together, it's less likely that her heart will change. I suspect that if you got back together, she would be doing it for convenience and financial reasons. The years would tick on and you two would likely drift farther apart. If you do reconcile, make sure you have a clear head and don't hang on for decades hoping things get better.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

NC is your best friend. Any unnecessary contact will just keep you bound


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## MapMan (Dec 11, 2015)

The book that helped me get my marriage back on track, where nothing else worked, is "married man sex life primer", by Athol Kay. It explains what happened in your marriage and how to improve yourself in a way that makes you attractive to your wife again.even if you never get back with her, it will prepare you for the next relationship. Don't let anyone tell you the book is wrong; it's a miracle and your only risk is the $10 and your time.


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