# Why don't I feel supported?



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

*He never listens to me....*

Hi,

I am wondering what to do with our marriage. It feels like I am always the one to start trying to sort out problems, all my husband seems to do is bury his head in the sand. But here we go:
We met and got married fairly quickly, in 3 years. About 3 months married, we decided to try for a baby. With us both being in our 30s, I thought it would take a while. Er, no! We got pg straight away! So our son arrives a little early and we aren't even a year married at this stage. He is 2 and a half weeks in NICU but is a perfect bouncing boy now. It has been rough, and we do feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I am on maternity leave at the moment and doing quite a good job looking after the house and the baby, and I am proud of that. The thing is, I don't feel like my husband LISTENS to me. I would say that 60% of everything I say or tell him goes straight over his head and then ends up doing something that has me screaming at him, 'WHY did you do that? I asked you to do it this way!'. Before any of you think i am bossy, I am not, this is things my DH offers to do and I gratefully accept. But it is even when I am chatting to him in the evenings about stuff. You can tell he isn't listening to me. I feel invisible and worthless. So many times he has donw stuff with regards to the baby that is downright DANGEROUS, even though I have warned him - 'please don't do it like this'. What do I do to make him take notice of me? This has been a hard year for both of us. He has lost 2 jobs this year and I am tired of being the strong one. What can I do? I feel like I am his mother, not his wife. I ahve given up talking to him a lot because what si the point? He doesn't listen to me anyway.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

More often then not it is the way you talk to him or the enviroment in which you talk to him tht matters the most. Men physically are not wired the same as women are. The white matter that connects the two halfs of the brain is better placed in women then men for communication. The advantage for men is they can better focus on one thing at a time. Women are better at multitasking because of how they are wired and how the white matter in the brain is placed.

How are the distractions when you talk to him, can he hear or see a TV, computer or radio? Is the little one running around?

Although it might not be a major distration for a women it can be worse for a man.

How do you present yourself to get his attention? People in general will focus better on someone in control. We can use our bodies as agents of control on a subliminal leve. Do not let him cross his arms, this is a protection signal for him to reject the information. Take his hands in yours. If he is sitting and you are standing it is natural for him to feel you are in control.

draconis


----------



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Hi draconis,

Yes, there are distractions, but when I ask him to turn off the tv, he sighs dramatically but then says there is nothing wrong. Believe me, he has nearly let the baby slip under the water when giving him a bath because he was glued to the tv!
So when I ask him to turn off the tv, he does his eye rolling ,sighing etc. But then things are already tense! That attitude already has me really angry before we have even started!
Re: me being in control, I ahve to say that I really am the one in control nearly 100% of the time. I take charge with the finances, major decisions, even small things like remembering someone's birthday and getting their gift. He is quite happy to let me do it all! And when I ask him to do something for me, a lot of the time he gets it wrong because HE HASN'T BEEN LISTENING TO ME. It is driving me absolutely insane. I cannot make myself any clearer when talking to him, I am not a meek or mild person, I say it how it is. I have told him I don't want to be like his mother, but sometimes thats how I have to be.
I want my lover back, to be perfectly honest.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

madmam said:


> I want my lover back, to be perfectly honest.


Have you told him as much?

Remember when we where first dating and things were exciting, love was all the time and we truely felt for each other? Well, that is what the relationship needs to continue to be strong honey.

draconis


----------



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Yes, I have told him, and told him other stuff too, but I am tired of talking and getting nowhere. He moved out for 3 nights only a while ago, and it an awful thing to say, but I almost enjoyed it because there was no tension in the house. I wasn't always having to repeat myself, pick things up after him, trying to set the scene for a possible 'window' in order to have sex! I'm always the instigator, in everything. 
I don't remember it being like this in the beginning.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

madmam said:


> Yes, I have told him, and told him other stuff too, but I am tired of talking and getting nowhere. He moved out for 3 nights only a while ago, and it an awful thing to say, but I almost enjoyed it because there was no tension in the house. I wasn't always having to repeat myself, pick things up after him, trying to set the scene for a possible 'window' in order to have sex! I'm always the instigator, in everything.
> I don't remember it being like this in the beginning.


Strange to ask but how old is he? Could he be at the age that his "male" hormones are waning and he is having a midlife crisis, or does he seem to get to stressed out (say like from a job) ?


draconis


----------



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

He is 33, not too old I would have thought. He has just started another new job (the 3rd this year, not that losing them were his fault as far as I know). Maybe it is that...I don't know...I am sick of trying to figure out whats eating him. I think what really bugs me is that he it TOTALLY elsewhere when he is at home. I might as well be talking to myself sometimes.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Two things I would suggest.

First start building on yourself. Do things for yourself that make you happy. It sounds like you are getting frustrated because you are trying to fix a problem that takes two people working together to handle. Maybe as you improve yourself you can handle the other things better.

Second you can come back here and post as many times as you want about almost any thing. Those that reply here might not be the best therapist but always someone to talk to.

draconis


----------



## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

hi, 

peace in the house is a good thing. 

if your husband is in the home, instead of repeating yourself and feel like your talking to a wall, (my mom and i have always been down this road with my dad), we can try putting notes on a huge monthly calender for him to see. you write down the important dates and things to be done for each day and of course he has to comply with going along with it. it's basically splitting up the tasks except that he has to read your messages instead of shutting out with the tv. place it right at the entrance of the main door that he comes home from after work and this is what he sees: your messages. 

try it out and maybe this will work. he may be a visual learner instead of auditory. 

it is difficult for us women to not be heard especially in times when we are basically doing everything and the guy just sits there and necessary tasks have to be completed. so try this out and see how it goes.


----------



## madmam (Nov 10, 2007)

Thanks for your reply.

I have tried that I am afraid, and it didn't work. I will try using bigger, bolder notices maybe? But I think when his head is elsewhere, its elsewhere. When the baby first came home (he is nearly 4 months now), I was told by the health nurse (for my health) to give him some jobs to do in the evening when he came home from work. I put up point-bypoint notices around the house on how to do this, that etc. And believe me, they were simple jobs! So I did - what a disaster! I won't go into it, but he put the baby's wellbeing at risk. I gave up and now do it all myself.

There are some things he is excellent at, like washing the floor, hoovering etc, so its not all bad. It just that I sometimes really have to say it again. And again. And again. It exhausting.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

madmam said:


> Thanks for your reply.
> 
> I have tried that I am afraid, and it didn't work. I will try using bigger, bolder notices maybe? But I think when his head is elsewhere, its elsewhere. When the baby first came home (he is nearly 4 months now), I was told by the health nurse (for my health) to give him some jobs to do in the evening when he came home from work. I put up point-bypoint notices around the house on how to do this, that etc. And believe me, they were simple jobs! So I did - what a disaster! I won't go into it, but he put the baby's wellbeing at risk. I gave up and now do it all myself.
> 
> There are some things he is excellent at, like washing the floor, hoovering etc, so its not all bad. It just that I sometimes really have to say it again. And again. And again. It exhausting.


Well keep him on the jobs he is good at. Sometimes when people don't like a job around the house they only put in half the effort into it. Let's face it any help is better then no help at all. Yesterday my whole family was sick except me, with the extra work load and extra cleaning I did twelve hours of housework after coming home from my store (where I had cleaned all day) and took care of all the sick ones too. Not a lot of fun but even a little effort is nice. Make sure when you get him to do a project to always say thank you. That always seems to go a long way.

draconis


----------

