# I am losing my mind



## JamesLB (Oct 29, 2013)

Hi all,

I am so frustrated. I am far from a perfect man. Very far. But I don't think that explains our problems.

I try to be nice and considerate but then my wife will do or say something pretty dumb and I ignore it or try to just get her to not repeat the idea and suddenly I am a bad guy.

Honestly, my wife is not of the highest intellect. And after begging I finally got her to see a therapist once. That therapist said my wife was near a nervous breakdown. No surprise to me.

She just won't go back and see her. Instead she continues to live a life of anxiety and stress. 

It is taking a toll on me. I tried escape. I have spent several months at a time twice a year for almost 7 years now overseas playing golf with friends in a party atmosphere. The escape does me good. But it gets harder and harder to come back to the gloom and doom atmosphere here. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm dreaming when I think some people are actually happy. I know I wish I was alone and didn't feel guilty because she is so miserable.

And I know some of her problems are real. She has back problems. Her sister is desperate for money. We do help financially. But she blows every problem in life out of proportion.

Today is a perfect example of how a problem explodes. She comes with me to the hospital to see my mother who is there for pain issues and has had an episode of psychosis in response to some of the pain meds. While there, they say she is fine now and they are releasing her. Well, I'm seeing my mother who can;'t wake up enough to talk to me and don't think so. I want her kept one more night for observation and pain help. 

While I am querying the head nurse about how certain she is about release my wife suggests that I stay with her overnight. Well, that isn't optimal as I felt staying in her hospital room was better so I say no I don't want to do that. I continue with the nurse getting her to rethink what is happening. Again my wife suggests the same thing. I say no that isn't a good idea. Maybe a little sharply but what is she thinking? 

Long story short when the nurse tries to dress my mom she realizes she isn't ready to go home and she stays. On the way out I ask my wife where she wants to go. We were going shopping but she is in one of her take me home modes. As if I've done something wrong.

I can't take it. She is so sensitive to every imagined slight I can't win. I am ready for divorce. I still worry what will happen to her as she is naive and has family that will strip her of her money once we separate but at some point I need to protect my sanity. 

Sorry to go on so long. I'm losing it too. Maybe I need therapy.

James


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Just from the sound of what you have said here, and believe me I don't know enough about you or your wife or your situation do know any of this for sure, but just from the sound of it, I get the impression that your disregard for her intelligence causes a lot of problems.

One thing to remember is that how intelligent she is or is not, or how wise her ideas/thoughts/suggestions are or are not, is really completely irrelevant. I get the impression that you judge her suggestions/ideas/thoughts quickly and dismiss them, insult them, or both, whether directly ("That's a dumb idea.") or indirectly (No that's not a good idea." or "I already told him I'm not doing that, I don't want to explain why." or "No, you just don't understand." etc.).

Regardless of the intellectual strength of her thoughts/ideas, in marriage you have committed to love and respect them at all times. If you shoot them down quickly/harshly all the time, you aren't just dismissing her words, you're dismissing HER. Every time you do so, you're telling her she's dumb, not worthy of your consideration, not of value, etc. The situation you described at the hospital sounds awful, I can't blame her a bit for being angry and wanting to go straight home and cry.

And you can't just argue semantics or say she is too sensitive because maybe you never directly told her she's dumb, not worthy of respect, etc. We guys operate on direct conversation, so I get that. But unfortunately she's not stupid enough to not be able to see through your words. If you are comfortable enough to tell us that your wife is dumb twice in your first couple of sentences here, then she most assuredly knows how you feel as well, and I bet she's miserable about it, and you've probably managed to convince herself that she is dumb too.

Again, it doesn't matter if she or her thoughts/suggestions are unintelligent or not, you owe her the respect of treating her and them with love and support, respecting her enough to discuss with her these thoughts and sometimes let her "win" as a means to show her your respect.

Just a few thoughts for you. You sound like a decent dude with a skewed perception of how you should treat your wife in such circumstances.


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## JamesLB (Oct 29, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Just from the sound of what you have said here, and believe me I don't know enough about you or your wife or your situation do know any of this for sure, but just from the sound of it, I get the impression that your disregard for her intelligence causes a lot of problems.
> 
> One thing to remember is that how intelligent she is or is not, or how wise her ideas/thoughts/suggestions are or are not, is really completely irrelevant. I get the impression that you judge her suggestions/ideas/thoughts quickly and dismiss them, insult them, or both, whether directly ("That's a dumb idea.") or indirectly (No that's not a good idea." or "I already told him I'm not doing that, I don't want to explain why." or "No, you just don't understand." etc.).
> 
> ...


I agree with your assessment. I do not respect her intellect. And sometimes I let it show. My bad. I do accept that she isn't a rhodes scholar. neither am I. 

In defense of THIS event I would like to say I knew my mother didn't belong home in her apartment with or without us watching her. She still needed professional help and today, 48 hours later, is being moved to Rehab facility which proves that.

And in defense I knew when my wife suggested we sit with her I knew that she didn't understand what I was trying to accomplish and the first time she said it I was not short or sharp with her. I understood she was trying to help. I simply told her in front of the nurse I was conversing with that I didn't think that was a good idea. I got it that she didn't understand I was preventing my mothers release on medical grounds not taking on medical responsibilities beyond my ability.

And perhaps the second time she suggested I stay with her I was a little short. Why? Because it was undermining the goal of getting my mother the right medical treatment. And I was already under stress having seen my mother that morning reacting badly to ambien and thinking the staff there were trying to kill her and kittens were coming out of the TV. And calling me at 7 AM telling me if I'm not there to get her out in 10 minutes they were going to kill her.

Had she suggested it to me again in private I would have tried to be more patient. As it was it didn't help and I wasn't at my best. 

But there is truth in what you way. And likely if my wife would get therapy for her depression and not assume an attack way out of proportion to what I say I would also be more patient. If she had said in the car "You hurt my feelings" I would have replied "I'm sorry I was under stress" and no blood no foul (basketball term no blood has ever been spilled in reality). Instead the goes passive-aggressive take me home I'm not talking to you. It is a typical over-reaction to many events lately.

I know she is in need of therapy. I wish she would get it. I can not push any more. It is having the opposite effect.


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## JamesLB (Oct 29, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Why is it always your wife's responsibility to make you try to be more patient with her? there seems to be some blaming here. Why don't you just BE patient, better still, forget about patience and demonstrate respect. Why didn't you respectfully say to her that you could discuss it later in private away from the nurse and remind her it is your mum and your responsibility to make the decision? Why couldn't you have brought it back up in the car and explained to her that you were not shouting her down and appreciated her suggestion? You could have just as easily let her know why you made that decision and apologised for snapping at her and disregarding her input, explained that you respect her input but at that moment you had already considered options and knew what you wanted for your mum. I don't understand why it is her job to make you 'try to be more patient'. Maybe she does need therapy, but I think you might too. Maybe MC to help you both communicate better.


Perhaps I miswrote. I basically DID reply politely. The response was "no that isn't the answer". She INTERPRETED it as an attack. Which is the problem. She accused me of shouting at her. Which did not happen. I did not raise my voice nor did I insult her. I will admit I gave her a look of annoyance which meant stop it. This needs to be clear. I may be impatient on occasion but sometimes even when I AM patient it gets the same result. And an adult doesn't get pouty and take me home for a look of annoyance.

Was I supposed to stop the conversation regarding the correct treatment of my mother with the nurse so as to "respect" her suggestion the second time she made it? Have a five minute discussion with her? In a perfect world I can do that. In this case they were trying to discharge my 87 year old mother and I didn't want them to have any excuse to do so. The nurse was doing the discharge paperwork. 

Also to be clear as we were leaving the hospital I had NO IDEA she was upset about this. Well, I knew she was upset but I thought it was from seeing my mother looking so pale. Truth is, she is near a nervous breakdown from other problems in her life and reacts to any negative stimuli poorly. The assessment of her being near a nervous breakdown came from a PHD Psychologist not me.

I hope this is clearer.


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