# I am falling apart at the seams here



## SpicyGinger (Nov 18, 2017)

I'm overreacting. Am I, though? We have been married four years, together for seven. We have a 17-month-old and a newborn (three weeks old). Both times I was pregnant, my husband went on some weird, bizarre, 9-month-long party phase. I resented him entirely during both pregnancies. He drank too much, got belligerent when drunk, would disappear for several hours every day after work -- just totally bizarre because it's SO out of character for him. All the while, I stayed home doing what I always do, but I resented him for his behavior. Last year, we decided we wanted to buy a house. We live in SoCal where prices are high. We decided that we would move in with my dad when our lease ended in May. Then we found out we were having a second child. We moved in with my dad, and my dad got really sick. I ended up having to manage my dad's health all summer long, which was really stressful. My husband did what he did the first time I was pregnant, which is he lost control for nine months. It was extremely stressful because normally, we would have an argument or have it out, but I couldn't do that because I didn't want to disrespect my dad by arguing in front of him. Then I noticed how much money was being spent on alcohol, cigarettes, chewing tobacco, and marijuana (which is legal for recreation in California). One month, he spent over $700 on those things. When football season started, he started gambling money on games. He works, I don't. I am the one who pays all the bills and budgets the money. I keep telling him we cannot afford these things if we want to buy a home. That is the entire reason we are living at my dad's. My husband and I have been independent people our whole lives. We both moved out and supported ourselves since teenagers. We are giving up a lot living with my dad, but we want to be homeowners and plant roots for our kids to have somewhere to grow up. But he won't stop spending. I comb over the budget every week. We don't pay rent. We don't pay utilities. We don't go out to eat, I cook every night. I shop at a grocery store 12 miles away because I save money there. I don't shop. I don't get my hair or nails done or buy clothes. But he spends SO MUCH on himself and his gambling and his cigarettes and weed and beer. He just won't stop. Now he decided to take "Family Leave." I had an emergency C-Section. Five days later, I was up cooking and cleaning and doing all the things I always do while he lays on the couch drinking, getting high, and playing Nintendo. This isn't the hard working man I married. I am starting to LOATHE him. I wake up every two hours to feed the baby. I wake up in the morning and drink 12 cups of coffee to make it through the day. I do all the laundry, the dishes, the shopping, the cooking, the doctor's appointments... and he just lays there. He hasn't completed ONE thing, start-to-finish, since he put himself on Family Leave. He will start a load of laundry but then it doesn't get folded or put away. He will start a load of dishes but the dishwasher doesn't get unloaded. If I don't cook, we don't eat. It's exhausting. I resent him. I resent him SO MUCH. We literally haven't had a date since the 17-month-old was born. That isn't an exaggeration. In at least 17 months, we have not even been to a simple dinner by ourselves. Our marriage is suffocating to death, and I am not sure I want to revive it. He WILL NOT stop spending money. He told me the other day we need to start making time for date nights. My first thought was NO. I am too tired because you won't help me. I just can't stand him anymore. I don't want him around our kids high from weed. And then if we qualify for a house, they're going to ask for our bank statements and see all the money he spends at Circle K. I am SO FRUSTRATED. It's causing me to snap at him and be really *****y. I don't know what to do. My older son LOVES his dad. I don't want to be the reason he doesn't see his dad every day. He loves his daddy SO MUCH. But I am MISERABLE in this situation. I want out of my dad's house. I love my dad, but I want my independence back. Somebody please tell me what I should do.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@SpicyGinger, 

I doubt if you are going to like what I have to say, but I would recommend that you be honest with yourself first, and then be honest with him, right out like you said to us. 

FIRST you need to be honest with yourself. If he does not stop spending on weed, laying around, and gambling, etc. are you really and truly willing to pack up his things and kick him out of your dad's house? Is this really the camel that is breaking the camel's back? Here's why I ask: very often people come on here and what they really want is some magic words to make their spouse/partner "do what they want." In your instance, you want to make your spouse get back to work, help with the kids and the chores, save some money, and spend some money on you two for a date night now and then. Those aren't unreasonable things to hope for, but that's what YOU want. And in order for HIM to actually do these things, HE has to want to pay his own way, be a responsible adult, get his own home, and build the love in his marriage. For all we know, he doesn't want any of those things--AND YOU CAN'T MAKE HIM want those things even though they are pretty reasonable. That's not how it works. You can only change YOURSELF. 

So don't go to him and say "You have to get back to work, help with the kids, etc. and if you don't we're getting a divorce!" unless you mean that as if you are stating a fact. If you say it as a threat to make him do what you want, then you are doing two things: you're manipulating him, and you are threatening the foundation of the marriage and the family to get what you want. That is the very definition of controlling! We don't want to go there. 

However, if you really and truly do feel like this is the straw that's breaking the camel's back, and you are about a week out from packing his things and looking for legal council, it is reasonable to have a frank, blunt, honest, "come to Jesus" sit down with him and let him know that in real life you RESENT him, and that the things he is doing are causing EXTREME DAMAGE to the people he made a promise to love (namely you and the kids). If you pretty much read to him what you wrote to us above and say "Look I'm informing you, this is the way I think about you. I am trying one last time to request that we work this out together. After this, if you continue as you are now and refuse to work as a team to tackle this, I will look into my legal rights and I will close the door on you forever, and I do not want to do that." 

The thing is, when you make a request, you are not demanding--the person has the right to say "no" and then to tell you what they would be willing to do. If he's not willing to do anything then you have your answer, and you're probably going to need to ask your dad for some moral support at least to kick him out of your dad's house. 

Are you paying rent? Then you have to figure out if you guys are lodgers or if you have a landlord-tenant relationship. If you're lodgers (he lives in the house and you guys essentially "rent a room") then all dad has to do is give a notice that he wants hubby out by the next rental cycle. So put it in writing Nov. 1st that hubby has to be out Dec. 1st. If you're tenants (if your dad owns the home and you have a verbal "rental" agreement with him for half the rent), stop paying the rent, and then he could evict for unpaid rent (If you paid the rent, it would count as rent "for the marital family" so that won't work). So he'd have to provide notice, refuse to take any more rent, file paperwork with the court--there's a whole procedure. 

Are you not paying rent? Then all he has to do is make a formal demand for hubby to leave. Put something in writing that's a formal request to leave, and if hubby refuses he becomes a trespasser. Call the cops, show them the formal request and let 'em know that hubby doesn't pay rent, and they won't be jerks but they will remove the trespasser. It may not be pleasant, but it is an option and it's not going through the legal system.


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## SpicyGinger (Nov 18, 2017)

AffairCare, thank you so much for your response. Yes, I am willing to leave over his spending. It's a deal-breaker. Not just because of the spending, but because we have two awesome babies who deserve more than a dad who won't spend time with them unless he's stoned. I hate it. I HATE it. Is this all my fault? I married a party animal. I was a party animal. I partied more than he did. But then we had kids, and I don't want to be a parent who parties all the time. Now I resent him for it. Is this my fault? He wanted kids. I assumed he would quit constantly partying. This is all my fault.

I have told him. I have told him SO MANY TIMES. I have told him nicely. I have told him not-so-nicely. I have demanded and threatened. His behavior doesn't change. 

The way I feel is this: marriage was a lot of responsibility. Kids were a lot of responsibility. He thought that's what he wanted, but once he had it, he realized it was way too much for him, and now he's mentally checking out. Moving in with my dad eased the responsibility because we don't have to pay rent or utilities. Family Leave eased the responsibility because he doesn't have to work for a mont and a half. He's beginning to remember what it's like to have little responsibility, and he likes it.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Your husband and the father of your children has a very seductive mistress that you allow into your home and give your permission to be seduced by.

Please- boot him out of your fathers home and save yourself and your precious, innocent babies.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

One comment that stood out is when you said "this isn't the hard working man I married". You're probably right because that guy was an actor just pretending to be the guy you wanted. Now you are seeing your husband for who he truly is, a selfish, hard drinking, smoking, gambeling irresponsible stoner. 
You're in for a hard life hooked up to a guy like him. He needs to focus on his family or you need to focus on a life as a single mother.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

tell him hes spiraling out of control. And needs to get help. Marijuana is much much stronger than it used to be. 

That if he loves partying more than his family he doesn't deserve to have a family.

That your only giving him this oprotunity once.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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