# WHy does it have to be so hard?



## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

I'm feeling really down on myself tonight. I've been doing really good and feeling strong since I filed for divorce over a month ago. When he attadcks me or blames me for his affair I don't let it get to me. But its is waffling back and forth that is really hard.

I've tried not talking to him, but we have a 3 year old and I'm pregnant with our 2nd. We also have a business together so we have to communicate about adminstraive tasks an whatnot. Recently during these basic conversations hes been sticking little things in placing the balme for us not being together on others (counselors, my parents, etc.). He acts like he wishes things were different, asking why I didn't give him more time to figure "us" out. 

Not once has he taken any action to fight for me, or end his relationship with the OW. He's been texting me song lyrics, or telling me to listen to our wedding cd. When I ask him "what's the point?" he apologizies then goes silent. I try not to entertain these events, but its so hard after 13 years of him in my life to not want him to try. Tonight I texted him back telling him that as hard as it was for me, I couldn't be his friend rightnow. But then followed it up with a message about how I missed my husband, implying that he wasn't him.

In my mind I know I'm fooling myself and I did give him 2 months to at least just stop seeing the OW. All I got was that it wasn't that easy. Some people say the I should have separeted instead of filing for divorce, but I really had just had enough disrespect. 

Is this common for the STBX to do? Is he trying to keep me strung along? Or is it even more selfish of just wnating to know that he still can have parts of me?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I think it is daily common, but the details often differ. Your right that it is a mix of selfish and stringing you along. 

Somehow, his idea of what is OK to do in a relationship is messed up. He seriously said that ending the relationship with the OW wasn't that simple?? 

Of course you got sick of the disrespect. Him shifting blame to you is pretty common and represents his true character.


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I am sorry you are having a day of it. I am too. I did file for legal separation instead of divorce so that I can get setup with our two kids and then when we are settled I will file for divorce. He is still with the OW and wont admit to what it is. This is the 2nd time, and he didnt try to fix anything this time.

The first time, he said the sorry's but continued to talk to OW1 but eventually stopped, but less than a year later, here I am again.

Your H is selfish. They dont want to be living with you but yet, they don't want to move forward. So I pushed mine and finally after a month, he took step one to get us out of here.

I noticed lately that I havent been saying my positive affirmations to myself, or prayer or doing anything for myself, I have been letting his words or non actions affect me. I need to take my power back...Last week I was great. This week I am struggling.

Know there are many of us like you, understand you, and are sending you hugs across the globe to keep you strong. Find yourself some quiet time and let it go for the day. However you need to do that.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Thanks. I really need to keep hearing these things even though I "know" it in my head. 

I had bad dreams last night about him packing up our house into a trailer and taking a bunch of my things. I argued with him and he allowed me to take SOME, wouldn't let me have things like the bindings of my snowboard. Really weird. I hadn't had dreams for a while so It really came down hard, and I woke up bawling my eyes out. I kept thinking over and over "He promised me forever". 

I guess its just part of the greiving process. I know I have to cry like that to help me get over this, but part of me hates myself for allowing him to get to me like that. I can't let him win like this. I need to find a way to love myself.

I've been trying to meditate, but I can't seem to do it for more than 5 minutes. 

Now that my day has started its easier to see his actions for what they really are. I have never been this much a hostage to my emotions. I know that being pregnant does help with that either, but I'm just so used to being in control at least of myself.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

SOOOO there right now. Take care of yourself and your babies. I keep thinking to myself: When did I give him so much power over me???? And I'm struggling to get mine back, too. Pregnancy is a tough time, but with all of this? Just know that you are not alone.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

Well, more ups and downs as expected. We had some rough communication on Friday about the business and some last minute work that he needed me to do ASAP. I didn't let it bother me, and instead had an afternoon out with a friend. I really did make some great friends through my STBXH. All of them are behind me in my decision. 

Today started out nice and lazy, and I had planned to take my little guy to the park for a picnic. Which was nice. I recived several messages from him today asking me if I meant what I said about being done, and telling me he loved and missed me, and he was sorry. Its so hard not to reply. I just sent a message back acknowledging the apology, but telling him he was never sorry enough to change what was happening (the A). He replied that we was just not strong enough to fight for me.

I know I shouldn't entertain his messaging at all. BuI I really feel I handled it well today. I don't feel emotionally one way or another about the conversation. I just told myself that someday I will be happy without him. Things wouldnt be fixed even if he got rid of the OW and begged me for forgivness. 

The only thing at this point that even allows me to think about reconciliation is my son. I know he misses his daddy. And wants both of us together. But I am trying to tell myself that if we reconciled and it didn't work out that it would be even worse on my son. Its just hard to not think that two parents together is better than apart for the kids. Its also just so hard to communicate anythign to a 3 year old.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

So.. the drama continues, somewhat. Sunday I got a call from STBXH, he wanted to talk. He told me hemissed me and that he wasn't ready to give up yet. I replied, "I feel like you gave up a long time ago". I can tell he's struggling with his guilt over his A, but its still continuing so I don't really know how to treat this.

I told him my ultrasound appointment was scheduled, to find out the sex of the baby. I also told him I didn't know if I wanted him to come. He seemed really frustrated by that, stating this was "our baby". I just don't think I'm going to be comfortable sitting in that room with him, after all the hurt he's caused me. I want the ultrasound to be a happy moment for me. With our son, it was such an amazing event. So I view this as something that couples experience together, not two people who are getting divorced. I just kept telling him this whole thing was weird to me. Its very difficult rying to figure out what I think he deserves to be apart of now that he's abandoned me for someone else.

Anyone out there agree or disagree with me?


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## upset/confused (Jul 26, 2011)

I think this should be just your moment.


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

What is it with these spouses? Mine is doing the exact same thing. Wants to work on our marriage, but is still seeing the OW...loves me but feelings aren't the same. When I told him I was starting to date, he flipped out. Why? He has said he wants to move on but when I even begin to do the same he gets angry. He constantly avoids any talk about having a legal separation drawn up with lawyers and says he doesn't want a divorce when I say that is where we are headed. I am so tired of the head games!


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## faith07 (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with upset/confused.


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## LostJB (Aug 3, 2011)

So I talkd with my counselor today about this, he had some interesting perspective. One - he says its highly unlikely that my H is trying to string me along or playing games with me. More that he just isn't willing to take responisbility for his actions bringing us this point. He isn't willing to make any decisions one way or the other. Won't take any actions to fight for our marriage, but also won't make any steps to let me go either. He is more willing to "let things happen" because he can claim its not his doing. Again not taking responsibility.

As for the ultrasound. I'm torn. My counselor says he fully understands where I'm coming from. The only thing he warned me against was that if I wanted to have my H involved with the child its best to have him involved as much as possible now. Didn't say i should or shouldn't have him there, but that it will be easier for my H to feel and want to be part of the childs life if he gets to be apart of it now. 

So this is where I really wnt to be able to be selfish. Its so not something I'm good at. I feel guilty when I'm selfish. And I know from my expereince with the divorce already that the right decisions are not the easy ones. I just really want this to be about me right now, but the mother in me knows it really is about the baby.

UGGHH. Why is it so easy for my H to make selfish decisions ALL THE TIME, but I can't even make one when it could have consequences?


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