# he doesn't want a child, i do



## lilyshining (May 26, 2011)

here's my story: My husband was previously married and had two children in that marrage a boy and a girl and then he had a vesectomy. Before we got married, 5 years ago, he was honest and told me about the vesectomy and how he never wanted children in the first place and never wants any more children. At the time I was career focused and agreed on not wanting a child but now as I am in my mid 30's my thoughts on having my own child has changed and I would like to have a child with my husband......but he has not changed and with all the issues with his two children he has went the extreme opposite of me and absolutely does not want anymore children. He refuses to "get cut on" nor spend any money on "a stupid kid". 
This hurts me greatly and although he says he cares.... i don't feel like he does care about me nor my feelings especially when he gets mean when I bring up discussing a child and he tells me "I knew what I was getting and I should have never married him and that I have a mental issue and need to see a docotor " .............................. how can he say he cares but show the total opposite and instead of yelling at me and getting so mad when he says no.... how about talking calmly and explaining how he feels when I am just talking calmly and trying to explain to him how I feel? Rejection is hard enough a lone and makes you feel unloved but when you add the lack of support and reassurance from your spouse that despite the fact he doesn't want a kid, he still loves you..... it's hard and makes you want to quit. What should I do?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Oh my, this is a tough one -simply because you talked about this BEFORE, you was on his side BEFORE, and now you want to turn the the tables, change the rules. I always say it is "a women's prerogative to change her mind", especially on this issue of Motherhood. Women tend to do this as her fertility ticks. Had you known this then, the relationship might have never gotten off the ground. 

These are huge "deal breakers" when dating, disagreeing on children and a lifestyle to live. 

But I want you to know , I completely and totally sympathize with what you are saying. I struggled with infertility for a time and NO force was more powerful in my being than wanting children (I even had ONE but I wanted MORE), I understand the pure LUST of wanting to be a mother of "children". I don't believe MEN "get this". And him having his own children, he is even further from wanting to procreate, his desires have been filled -even when he didn't want them! He is so far on the other spectrum in this, you may NEVER see eye to eye, no matter how much talking, crying, pleading you do. 

I am sure your husband feels --if he lets you in, hears your cries for a baby, he fears what to do with those cries, as his mind has been made up and firm from when you married. 

I really do not have any advice for you -other than - what you are feeling could be a deal breaker for this relationship. 

HOW BADLY do you want a child? Will you grow to regret this someday if you stay with your husband and only have 2 step children? Will you RESENT him for not getting re-cut & allowing you a chance to be a mother? 

There is adopting, donor sperm, foster children, getting involved with children (church?)- just throwing things out there to fill that "void", that yearning you have. Maybe you have neices & nephews you could spend extra time with, take them to the zoo, chucky cheeses, have them spend the night. Personally I wanted MY OWN (I have no siblings so no neices & nephews) , so I understand if these do not hold any allure for you. 

Only you can answer How much this yearning means to you, and where you feel you need to go. I would never call you crazy & needing a doctor. I do feel he is being Cruel in his handling of these "desires of your heart", if nothing else. 

May you find peace and direction in this.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Oh my, this is a tough one -simply because you talked about this BEFORE, you was on his side BEFORE, and now you want to turn the the tables, change the rules. I always say it is "a women's prerogative to change her mind", especially on this issue of Motherhood. Women tend to do this as her fertility ticks. Had you known this then, the relationship might have never gotten off the ground.
> 
> These are huge "deal breakers" when dating, disagreeing on children and a lifestyle to live.
> 
> ...


I have a very strong mother urge and feel for you. Reversing vasectomy doesn't have very high success rate. I think you need to have full communication on both your wants, and if deal breaker for you, you might have to move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

lilyshining said:


> here's my story: My husband was previously married and had two children in that marrage a boy and a girl and then he had a vesectomy. *Before we got married, 5 years ago, he was honest and told me about the vesectomy and how he never wanted children in the first place and never wants any more children. * At the time I was career focused and agreed on not wanting a child but now as I am in my mid 30's my thoughts on having my own child has changed and I would like to have a child with my husband......but *he has not changed* and with all the issues with his two children *he has went the extreme opposite of me* and absolutely does not want anymore children. He refuses to "get cut on" nor spend any money on "a stupid kid".
> This hurts me greatly and although he says he cares.... i don't feel like he does care about me nor my feelings especially when he gets mean when I bring up discussing a child and he tells me "I knew what I was getting and I should have never married him and that I have a mental issue and need to see a docotor " .............................. how can he say he cares but show the total opposite and instead of yelling at me and getting so mad when he says no.... how about talking calmly and explaining how he feels when I am just talking calmly and trying to explain to him how I feel? Rejection is hard enough a lone and makes you feel unloved but when you add the lack of support and reassurance from your spouse that despite the fact he doesn't want a kid, he still loves you..... it's hard and makes you want to quit. What should I do?


I can only imagine how hurtful it must be to feel so attacked when you try to express your feelings on this subject. The way he's approaching the discussion is really not fair, appropriate or....just plain nice! 

In spite of that, there are a few things though that I have to point out. You said that the two of you discussed and agreed on not having children before you got marriage. Then it was you that changed your mind. He's remained the same, he's never gone the opposite of you, he's been absolutely consistent the entire time on this. 

I believe that the desire for children is pretty much absolute. It may come about later in life for some, but for the great majority of people, they either absolutely must have them or they don't want to have them at all. It's something that you feel deep in your heart and if it's not there, then all the discussion and logic and tears and threats in the world aren't going to put it there. He sounds like he always fell into the second category and that frankly, having two was an incredible concession and to have more is more than he can consider dealing with.

As hurt as you are feeling by all of this, I'm sure he's feeling just as upset and backed into a corner. I'm sure he's frustrated that you've completely flipped on this issue and that you're not seeing his side of this and that it's such an emotional issue to deal with. Not to mention, I'm sure he's becoming as doubtful and uncertain about the state of your relationship as you are. The difference is how he's expressing it. Women tend to want to talk these things out, men can lash out.

I was listening to one of those psychologist radio talk shows and the doctor made a great point to a caller: "the one who wants the fewer or no kids always wins. It's not fair to bring an unwanted child into a family". I think that's so true. Even if you managed to wear him down and convince him to let you get pregnant, you'll end up fighting over the money you spend on the kid, the time he doesn't spend with the kid, everything. 

He's completely clear on his feelings and has been for longer than you've known him apparently. He's not likely to change at this point. If you sincerely have that child-shaped hole in your heart, you are going to have to find a different man to do that with.

Kids are a flat out dealbreaker. In this case, it's sad, but it's true.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Guy here. I do not fault you for wanting what you want, but let's be clear here; how he 'feels' doesn't matter.

He told you how he felt. His position hasn't changed. Yours has.

He's angry because your change in position now jeopardizes the stability of the marriage. He can't win here. Have a baby, he resents you. Don't have a baby, you resent him. Again, I'm not blaming you, but you are acting like he is the one that needs to clarify his position ... and that simply isn't the case.

You both feel emotionally hijacked. And you're both right.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

lilyshining said:


> here's my story: My husband was previously married and had two children in that marrage a boy and a girl and then he had a vesectomy. Before we got married, 5 years ago, he was honest and told me about the vesectomy and how he never wanted children in the first place and never wants any more children. At the time I was career focused and agreed on not wanting a child but now as I am in my mid 30's my thoughts on having my own child has changed and I would like to have a child with my husband......but he has not changed and with all the issues with his two children he has went the extreme opposite of me and absolutely does not want anymore children. He refuses to "get cut on" nor spend any money on "a stupid kid".
> 
> If your husband never wanted the children he has now, he is going to be VERY angry and resentful about having even more. He was honest. Did you marry him hoping that he would change his mind? Your husband seems very adamant against having more kids.
> 
> ...


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