# Wishing I could turn back time....



## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

This is my very first post. I'm not even sure where to begin so just bare with me.

I'm a 25 year old married women to my 26 year old husband. We have been together since I was barely 17. He was my first "Real" boyfriend. Heck, he was my first everything. We had a secret relationship for the first year. My parents were extremely controlling and forbidden me from dating him but being 17 I rebelled and figured out any way I could possibly see him. Fast forward two years and at the age of 18 I have gotten pregnant very unexpectedly. I was forced by my parents to drop out of nursing school and this is where I feel like my life just started spinning.

2 years later we did the "right" thing and got married. We have been through literally everything from dealing with having 3 children who ALL where born very premature, to a year of my husband not being able to find a job, to almost even being homeless. Through it all we held on to eachother for dear life. From the outside we have beaten all the odds. We look like a perfect family who has it all together. My husband is a nice guy who works very hard for us and I look like a loving faithful wife.

But when it looks too good to be true it usually is. When we fight my husband's abusive childhood rears its ugly head. He becomes extremely mean, cruel and heartless. I've been called names pushed up against a wall (only once a few years ago) and have literally begged him to stop being mean. He has the hardest time taking any responsibility for anything. When it's all over he is perfect, understanding and I couldn't ask for a better man.

Now I know I have my faults. Over the past few years now that I have "grown up" I have really realized on the life I missed out on. One thing that really bothers me is that I have never been taken on a date. I have never even dated. I get attention from men who I think "What if?". I am not looking for anyone in particular but I feel like I clung onto my husband to escape a controlling household. I am finally back in school for Nursing and I'm meeting alot of people. I have recently met a guy who I kind of hit it off with. We haven't had any physical contact at all. We haven't even admitted any feelings. We have exchanged phone numbers and Facebook. My husband found a couple of friendly messages on Facebook between me and the other guy and flipped. I feel horrible.

I just can't help but to think that I would be dating this guy if I wasn't marred. That I would still be figuring out myself. That I just want to be able to really figure out what I want. I love my husband and our children. I couldn't imagine my life without my kids. I want my husband and I to work out but I just never was able to find myself. How do I do that? How do I stop really wanting to date another man? 

I feel like a horrible person but I can't shake this feeling....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hm.. maybe your parents weren't so controlling but instead trying to protect you from the very things you snuck out and did?

Whatever you do, do not have an affair with this guy. Does he even realize that you are married with 3 children? Most young, single men will not date a woman with 3 children for very good reasons.

You are very close to having an EA right now as it is. Don't make more bad decisions. Fix your marriage or get out of it first.

Start by going to a counselor who specializes in abuse.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Thank you for replying. The man I just met is around 30. He said he's really ready to get married and start a family. I am seeing a counselor but she doesn't give me much feedback. I'm actually in the process of trying to find a new one...

I was the "goody good" teenager. I did all the right things but I was still very controlled. I actually had a therapist back then who really pushed me to go away to a 4 year uni to escape my house. Yeah, it was that bad. To this day my father still tries to control me (Down to still referring to me by my maiden name and refusing to respect that I am married) but I realize it's his own issues and so I love and respect him anyway.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

1. How does one get pregnant unexpectedly? Is this Mary?

2. Don't cheat. If you don't love your wonderful husband (who also happens to be abusive and controlling), then leave him.

3. Finish school. Find work. Good luck with your studies.

4. School and work aside. Single/married/divorced/widowed. You are a mother to three young children. You do not have the luxury to date.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Hm.. maybe your parents weren't so controlling but instead trying to protect you from the very things you snuck out and did?
> 
> Whatever you do, do not have an affair with this guy. Does he even realize that you are married with 3 children? Most young, single men will not date a woman with 3 children for very good reasons.


They might have sex with one though.



EleGirl said:


> You are very close to having an EA right now as it is. Don't make more bad decisions. Fix your marriage or get out of it first.
> 
> Start by going to a counselor who specializes in abuse.


Yeah, the abuse is a thing. The other parts is the parts of life you think you missed out upon:

1. Partying
2. Not being responsible
3. Dating, multi dating and one on one
4. Club scene
5. Making it all about you

These are pretty much the things you will get back by being single.

Personally I'd rather use most of my time to make money, to have all my needs met within my household as far as opposite sex goes, and go out in small doses. 

If I was in a sexless situation  and had a bad experience with women taking advantage in long term relations, I would be a true bachelor, never tieing down with one woman. Multi-dating, etc anything goes.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Thanks again for more replies. I just want to make it clear that I am *not* looking into being "free" again. I'm not a big drinker, never partied in my life and am a very responsible person when it comes down to it. I love my kids and yes, due to my high risk pregnancies, if I wanted anymore kids I had to do it quick and my last two were planned. I don't want the "luxury" of dating around. I just wonder if this is really who God wanted for me? My children feel so, so right but I just can't shake this feeling of wondering if my marriage is wrong....


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you have date nights with your husband ?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Thanks again for more replies. I just want to make it clear that I am *not* looking into being "free" again. I'm not a big drinker, never partied in my life and am a very responsible person when it comes down to it. I love my kids and yes, due to my high risk pregnancies, if I wanted anymore kids I had to do it quick and my last two were planned. I don't want the "luxury" of dating around. I just wonder if this is really who God wanted for me? My children feel so, so right *but I just can't shake this feeling of wondering if my marriage is wrong....*


Your first post described a cruel, abusive man. So by that sense yes this marriage is wrong.

You will probably reply that he is a good man in many other ways. None of that matters if he is abusive toward you and/or the kids.

Down the road yes you can find a great guy to date and settle down with. Just don't do it while you are still married.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Tainted- We very rarely have date nights. We've been together 8 years and never even spent a weekend away together. Never had a honeymoon. We don't have a relationship with his family (Hence his childhood abuse) and my parents don't think we "deserve" a vacation yet since they had to wait many years to get their first one. 

I'm just so scared to give up and walk away. This is all I've ever known since I was 17.....
I keep wondering if I really don't know how good I actually have it?


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> 1. How does one get pregnant unexpectedly? Is this Mary?


LOL I was wondering the same thing.



PhillyGuy13 said:


> 4. School and work aside. Single/married/divorced/widowed. You are a mother to three young children. You do not have the luxury to date.


That's ridiculous. She can't date (someone else) because she's married. Were she not married, she could date whoever she likes no matter how many children she has.



CoastGirl9 said:


> Now I know I have my faults. Over the past few years now that I have "grown up" I have really realized on the life I missed out on. One thing that really bothers me is that I have never been taken on a date. I have never even dated.


What you did is what used to be called "ruining your life." What you're feeling now are the consequences of that because.....you ruined your life. Your parents were trying to save you from yourself, but you refused to be saved because you were a teenager and like most teenagers, you thought you knew better than they did, so you ignored them and did as you pleased. Now you're having some regrets.

I can't say that I blame you though. I, too, feel your parents were too strict, and you should have been able to date at around 16 and certainly at 17. The only thing is that I have to say you're going to have get ahold of yourself because you are on the same path of ruining your life again, only you're no longer a teenager. This one is the adult version of "ruining your life" which means you have more to lose this time and it could be detrimental. The truly awful part is that this time, it's not just your own life but 4 others you would be dragging along with you. 

So, you have to suck it up. Your feelings over regret of everything you missed out on, questioning your choices, and all your curiosity are the same things other people go through. Like you as a teenager, there are adults who are intent on doing as they please, and there are those who suck it up and do the right thing for themselves and for their family they are responsible for. You said you are a responsible person, so then be responsible and suck it up.

You can work on your marriage to better your situation. Your hsuband is abusive, which could cause any woman to start looking at greener grass and feeling forlorn. Go to MarriageBuilders.com and recruit your husband so that the two of you can begin working on your relationship. Establish a date night once a week, so he can finally start taking you out on dates. Get a babysitter and let nothing interfere with your dates. Also ask him to get counseling for his temper. Initiate all of this by sitting him down to talk, and tell him you're not happy and would like for you both to begin a journey in making your marriage stronger. See what he says.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You will destroy the security your children know and cherish... you cannot even begin to understand how long that hurts. It is something that should be avoided at all costs... If you want the experiences you suggest, try having an open dialogue with your H, before doing anything you will regret


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> The man I just met is around 30. He said he's really ready to get married and start a family.


Wake up, CoastGirl... this guy is playing you.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

CarlaRose said:


> That's ridiculous. She can't date (someone else) because she's married. Were she not married, she could date whoever she likes no matter how many children she has
> .


It's not ridiculous.  Sure, she _could_ date whoever she likes, but should she? No. If/when she is single again, she should be concentrating on her full time studies, finding full time work, and caring for three young children under age 8. There is no time for dating and reliving teenaged years. That luxury is forfeited when we choose to have children.

She's the only one there for those kids. I feel for her. I really do it's an awful situation. A violent, abusive husband at home. Lousy set of inlaws. Parents who don't seem to give a damn. She's all those kids got. For better or for worse. 110% of her efforts should be spent on their well being, not out dating to see what was missed out on.

Eventually, yes. Once she is out of school and working full time. Kids are older and better adjusted, certainly she can date whoever she likes.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

If your H is as mean as you say, then maybe your marriage is wrong. That doesn't mean date another guy. It means get a divorce, work on your needs, and protect your kids. Then date another guy.


> I just can't help but to think that I would be dating this guy if I wasn't marred. That I would still be figuring out myself. That I just want to be able to really figure out what I want. I love my husband and our children. I couldn't imagine my life without my kids. I want my husband and I to work out but I just never was able to find myself. How do I do that? How do I stop really wanting to date another man?


You are on the way to rationalizing an affair. Keep that mindset, keep up contact with this other guy, and you'll be down the rabbit hole before you realize it. 

If your H has no interest in working on your relationship, if you're not in love with him anymore, if he's abusive, etc... If you must separate your family, then do it amicably if possible, do it honestly, and protect yourself and your kids above all else if you suspect any harm might come of you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Thank you for replying. The man I just met is around 30. He said he's really ready to get married and start a family.


So the two of you are talking about a lot of intimate things. You are already n an emotional affair. 

I doubt he would want to take on 3 children who are not his. If you did marry him, our children will most likely hate him as they will blame him for braking up your family. The major reason for divorce in 2nd (and subsequent marriages) are step children.

this guy has never been married with 3 step children. He probably has no clue of the turmoil this would bring in to his life.

And to be honest, the two of you don't even really know each other. The chance of any thing lasting very long, even more than a sort fling are about 3%.



CoastGirl9 said:


> I am seeing a counselor but she doesn't give me much feedback. I'm actually in the process of trying to find a new one...


Find a counselor who deals with domestic abuse. 




CoastGirl9 said:


> I was the "goody good" teenager. I did all the right things but I was still very controlled. I actually had a therapist back then who really pushed me to go away to a 4 year uni to escape my house. Yeah, it was that bad. To this day my father still tries to control me (Down to still referring to me by my maiden name and refusing to respect that I am married) but I realize it's his own issues and so I love and respect him anyway.


You have a pretty distorted view of yourself. A “goody good’ teen does not sneak around behind her parents back and get knocked up. You are were apparently like a lot (far from all) teens you break the rules. 

While your parents might be have been strict, or controlling as you called, they were trying to keep you from ending up the way you ended up. Their intentions were good. 

Does your father know that your husband is abusive? Maybe your after does not respect your husband. Why should he? When my stepson married an abusive girl I had to tell him that she was not welcome in our house. I also told him that the day he wanted a divorce come see me and I’d do the legal word for free. He’s divorced how and yes I did the divorce. Parents are not required to respect it when their children marry an abusive person.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It looks like you both ran away from your families and ran into each other...recipe for dysfunction. It may not be entirely because you missed out from life...it's more as of you missed out on knowing your *own identity*. You are discovering yourself as you go out into the world and with nursing school. That's one issue.

The other issue is your husband's behavior. It is a love-killer, no buts about it.

Having wistful feelings about another man/men is not going to solve the problem. You need to be very decisive and action-oriented regarding your marriage. At the same time, stop the roaming fantasy playing in your head. Any man that engages another female that is married...is not thinking about settling down with a women who has three kids. He wants something else and will walk off once he achieves that objective. 

Be honest to your husband about your struggles. If you honestly fear he can't handle it and it will be unsafe...then I suggest counselor. If he won't participate and has no intention of changing, then I think you either accept that this is how it will be for the rest of your married life or move on. I would suggest moving on.

Also, if he ever puts his hands on you again, call the police.


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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

Of course you wonder what it would be like. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I was in a situation similar to yours. I had an emotionally abusive husband. It was getting really bad. Terrible finances, flat broke, not able to go on dates. So, I started to find interest in another man and it began to enter into a EA. This was because I was looking at other things that would be better than my situation.

I turned it around because I knew the direction I was heading. I started going to marriage counseling. You need to go WITH him so the counselor can stress to him how abusive and wrong his behaviors are. My husband began getting better after about a month's worth, and the behaviors completely went away after about three months of counseling.

Something else that completely changed my thinking, and you mentioned you are a Christian so I would highly recommend you watch all four of these (maybe one per day) with an open mind:

Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 1 | Desiring God
Staying Married Is Not About Staying in Love, Part 2 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 1 | Desiring God
What God Has Joined Together, Let Not Man Separate, Part 2 | Desiring God


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

I'm just curious....in your 5 years of marriage, have you ever asked your husband if he would seek marriage counseling with you in an effort to fix what's wrong with your marriage? Nowhere in your posts have you stated as such. If things were as bad as you claim, why have you not sought the help you needed? Could it be that this fabulous new man you have met has made you "realize" just how bad you have had it? Is that the true reason you need to "find yourself"?

You made a vow "for better or for worse". Not just until things got rough or until some hot new hunk came along. So you are having regrets well guess what? Welcome to marriage, half the people who get married have regrets or "what ifs' to some extent. That doesn't mean they all act on those feelings. Talk to your husband, seek a MC. Tell him what you are telling us. If he discounts your feelings and doesn't want to try to fix things then seek a divorce. Cheating isn't the answer. You're an adult with 3 children not a high schooler.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Jambri said:


> I'm just curious....in your 5 years of marriage, have you ever asked your husband if he would seek marriage counseling with you in an effort to fix what's wrong with your marriage? Nowhere in your posts have you stated as such. If things were as bad as you claim, why have you not sought the help you needed? Could it be that this fabulous new man you have met has made you "realize" just how bad you have had it? Is that the true reason you need to "find yourself"?
> 
> You made a vow "for better or for worse". Not just until things got rough or until some hot new hunk came along. So you are having regrets well guess what? Welcome to marriage, half the people who get married have regrets or "what ifs' to some extent. That doesn't mean they all act on those feelings. Talk to your husband, seek a MC. Tell him what you are telling us. If he discounts your feelings and doesn't want to try to fix things then seek a divorce. Cheating isn't the answer. You're an adult with 3 children not a high schooler.


You're right on the money. So many people feel they are entitled to joy and happiness 100% of the time and it's utter nonsense. I guess that's the "entitlement" culture we live in. We should be entitled to making the best of the decisions we have made. Instead of spending time wondering if we have made a mistake or fantasizing about a different life, it's more prudent to determine what could make your current life and marriage more satisfying and pursue that course of action. 

Nobody is 100% happy or has strong feelings of love for their spouse all the time. That's just not possible and if that's the expectation of so many, then no wonder the divorce rate is as high as it is. Unrealistic expectations are a relationship killer if there ever was one.

The most important element in any marriage is commitment, not love. Feelings can ebb and flow and come and go but commitment is a decision that you make. No different really than the commitment one has to love their children. I've been married to my W for 28+ years and we've definitely been through our trials as we also have three kids, but we're committed to one another and the marriage. My feelings about or toward my wife on any particular day or the state of my current happiness are really irrelevant because they can change from one day to the next. We built our marriage on commitment because that's unchanging.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

Coast Girl,

You are very close to make the biggest MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE, please let elaborate:

If you cheat (one night stand, Emotional Affair, Physical Affair) you will risk your entire family you, your H, and your kids. Not mentioning mutual friends, family, parents at your children school, etc
When people have an affair, they are not thinking, nor even asking them self the right questions.

Consider that If you get caught, despite the terrible pain you put on your H and your self, there are 2 ways:

1.- Divorce, in this case would you be prepared to:
Not being with your kids every day? Shared custody
Are you prepared to divorce without planning it? On your own, just 3% of couples made from affairs last, yes there is a big possibility to be by your own, lonely, at the end.
Etc.

2.- R, would you be prepare to
Apology every single day for years to come?
Bare his anger for the next years?
No more privacy? Full transparency is a must in R
See your kids grow in a broken home, toxic environment (you crying, H angry, yelling, etc)

In other hand, If you won’t get caught, are your prepared to
Bare the guilt? Some people can other can not
Waiting to be discovered? There so much cases that DD happened years after the affair, very destructive as well, as far as BS should deal with cheating spouse and lying.

Read at TAM how destructive an Affair could be, take a good look to the R part and divorce as well.

You should consider that your Husband, as you, didn't have dates, did date other people, etc. try to be on his shoes. You really need to have a good talk.

Please leave God out the equation, free will remember! Marriage vows, among other things like fidelity God teach us, dont you think?

What your are thinking about your marriage, the doubts, is your brain trying to justify what you are wanting to do, despite you know is wrong! it is called rationalization.

Even if you come to the conclusion your marriage is not working this is not a justification to cheat, there is not any justification to cheat under any circumstances.

Just another thing, if you decide not to cheat, you should have no contact with this other man!! There is a high possibility to do something you will regret the rest of your life!!!

If you love your husband, tell him how you feel, have a serious conversation about everything what bothers you, and let him know that is a must to fix things (abusive, etc.)

About your family, do as you consider, don’t let them choose for you, if you need a weekend away whit your husband just make it happen!!

PS, as you are religious read the story at this website: www.nancycanderson.com


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Strange how quite a few cheating WWs describe their BHs as abusive and controlling. It's the cheaters script. They have to demonize their husband so they can justify in their mind whatever comes next.

BTW, nurses are one of the top professions for cheaters. So it's not surprising she already wants to stray. I'm sure Mr. Wonderful is all that, while your BH is a controlling, abusive jerk.


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## A++ (May 21, 2012)

CoastGirl9 said:


> I just can't help but to think that I would be dating this guy if I wasn't marred. That I would still be figuring out myself. That I just want to be able to really figure out what I want. I love my husband and our children. I couldn't imagine my life without my kids. I want my husband and I to work out but I just never was able to *find myself*. How do I do that? How do I stop really wanting to date another man?
> 
> I feel like a horrible person but I can't shake this feeling....


Do you think that you will find yourself after opening your legs to another man? :scratchhead:


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Sounds like you were fine until you met this guy recently. It's all about this new guy. You don't miss dating, you just really like this new guy and want to have a relationship with him. You don't want to date around, you just want to date the new guy.

You and your husband can't find a sitter for the kids, so you can't go on dates with your husband. It would be more convenient to date this new guy while your husband watches the kids, hopefully without knowing what you're really up to. Then, if you want to explore further with the new guy, and let's face it, without any of real life like finances, screaming kids, horrible in-laws, etc., intruding into your relationship with the new guy, of course you will want to explore further, then you can make sure you have a safe landing place for you and the kids before you leave your husband. Maybe finish your nursing degree. And while you do this to your husband, he will get more and more "mean" and "abusive" and whatever other bad qualities that can justify you leaving him.

The way you feel about your husband now, the loss of attraction, excitement, romance - would be the same with the new guy after a similar number of years.

The new guy represents an escape from your stressful life. How nice to go out on a date with an attractive guy who you hit it off with and forget about all of your troubles at home, your husband can handle those while you have your fun.

What you really need to do is find a way to spend some time with your husband alone and go on dates with your husband. Why is it so impossible to find someone to watch your kids for a night?


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## FromEurope (Jun 29, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> This is my very first post. I'm not even sure where to begin so just bare with me.
> 
> I'm a 25 year old married women to my 26 year old husband. We have been together since I was barely 17. He was my first "Real" boyfriend. Heck, he was my first everything. We had a secret relationship for the first year. My parents were extremely controlling and forbidden me from dating him but being 17 I rebelled and figured out any way I could possibly see him. Fast forward two years and at the age of 18 I have gotten pregnant very unexpectedly. I was forced by my parents to drop out of nursing school and this is where I feel like my life just started spinning.
> 
> ...



You remind me of my ex.... read my thread to understand.
I was her first real boyfriend but i did'nt have angry issue's. 
She started like you.... but it went physical. She got to much involved and lost contact of real life and she payed at a high price this mistake. It seems that your heading in the same direction if you keep up with this


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Read these two threads:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/175881-i-just-need-tell-someone.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...elp-i-need-more-than-ever-29.html#post9507449

They are about a young lady, with small children, still a college student, who has a one night stand with a classmate. She (correctly) confesses to her husband. He has left her at this point, despite her being 100 % remorseful and doing everything right since that fateful night. She would be the first to tell you SHE wishes she could turn back time. It's one of the most heartbreaking reads on TAM. She would tell you to NOT go down this road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Thanks again for more replies. I just want to make it clear that I am *not* looking into being "free" again. I'm not a big drinker, never partied in my life and am a very responsible person when it comes down to it. I love my kids and yes, due to my high risk pregnancies, if I wanted anymore kids I had to do it quick and my last two were planned. I don't want the "luxury" of dating around. I just wonder if this is really who God wanted for me? My children feel so, so right but I just can't shake this feeling of wondering if my marriage is wrong....



There are thousands of people who are right for us. There is no soul mate or someone who God wanted for you. Trust me...the way it is is exactly how God intended it. sometimes its a cruel joke other times it's a test. Either way, it is what it is and we try to rationalize a reason to escape our chosen mate and blame someone else even God.
Engineer the life you have to be what you want! But know this...it isn't easy and it takes a great deal of courage to do what's right instead of what we feel at the moment.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> This is my very first post. I'm not even sure where to begin so just bare with me.
> 
> I'm a 25 year old married women to my 26 year old husband. We have been together since I was barely 17. He was my first "Real" boyfriend. Heck, he was my first everything. We had a secret relationship for the first year. My parents were extremely controlling and forbidden me from dating him but being 17 I rebelled and figured out any way I could possibly see him. Fast forward two years and at the age of 18 I have gotten pregnant very unexpectedly. I was forced by my parents to drop out of nursing school and this is where I feel like my life just started spinning.
> 
> ...


You're building a list of justifications for why cheating on your husband is okay. If you want people to say 'yea, he's a jerk, cheat on him', I only know a couple people here that will say it's justified. Most will agree you should leave, get help or do anything other than cheat on him. Don't compromise your own integrity and values for a cheap thrill. If your husband is mean, make him stop or leave. If you can't leave, and you need to date other men, then tell him about it. Be honest... if he blows up, call the police have him taken away. Don't let him touch you again in a violent manner. Keep 911 on speed dial.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Has it occurred to you that you husband might equally show up here talking about how hard he's had it? He went thru all the things you did, and surely has a list of ways he thinks you've failed him over the years.

Maybe he'll meet a nice girl at work sometime; "someone who really seems to understand me, is interested in me", etc. Maybe he longs for that carefree, unattached lifestyle he missed out on, too.

No one forced the two of you into your situation. You did it all of your own free will, and chose to be where you are now. You took on repsonsibilities, you can either honor them, or start destroying lives.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Wow! My post really blew up over night!

Thanks for all the replies. Some were quite interesting, some harsh but needed to be said and then with others were just out of left field. Anyways,

The number one thing I am seeing is that I am justifying having an affair. Maybe I am? First things first is that I have felt this way for a long while. My feelings have not just "appeared" since I met another man. I've felt for a while now that I just rushed into everything. But I've been sucking it up, putting a smile on my face and laying in the bed I made. It's just getting to be a little too much to handle anymore. How do find peace with everything? I feel like my own soul is at war right now. It's so, so hard....

Another thing I read is that I am conveniently labeling my husband "abusive". Ummm....WOW! All infidelity aside, I hope the posters who said that don't go around saying that to other women in bad situations. Did you read my post?! All those things have HAPPENED! I'm not a monster who would make up stuff like that. I didn't even call my husband an abuser. The other posters did that. I just have admitted that he has issues. Deep down I know they are abusive ones. For future reference, please, please don't ever tell a women you think she is lying about abuse for selfish reasons. By doing that you are enabling the abuser to further his abuse. (This really made my blood boil)

Thank you for those to have suggested marriage counseling. I'm not sure if it's like this everywhere but here in my state marriage counseling is not covered by insurance. It's ridiculously high and not something we can swing by any means right now. We have bought books though. My husband follows them for about a month and then I see a slow transition back to his previous ways. It's heartbreaking....

Another thing, I noticed a lot of posters said that any man who finds a women with three kids only wants one thing from her. Really??? I understand that I come with a lot of baggage but I really don't think I'm that horrible since I have 3 kids. Many, many men age 30 an older have kids. Maybe this is why so many mothers won't leave a bad marriage. To be told that no one will want her because she has kids is very disheartening. I am not talking about the man I am referring too, I am just saying mothers in general shouldn't have such a bad label. It's just really sad.

Everytime I see this guy I know that he's just another man. Just another person that would eventually get "old". I know that every marriage takes ALOT of work. I know that and I understand that. Sometimes when I really start to get flirty with this other man I will bring up my husband. I will talk about my husband to help myself stay grounded. I've shown him pictures of my family because I'm so proud of them. I brag about my husband and kids. Anything to keep my head out of the clouds. I'm trying. I really, really am.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Wow! My post really blew up over night!
> 
> Thanks for all the replies. Some were quite interesting, some harsh but needed to be said and then with others were just out of left field. Anyways,
> 
> ...


I am sorry if you find some post offensives, it was not the intention.

You must get from them what fits your current situation, you must understand that everybody is trying to help.

About a women with 3 kids is not a catch, you get it all wrong, it was refering to the other guy, Have he ever see you with your kids? even help you with them? it is different al school than home.

You should consider that there are higth possibilityes that he just want to get in your pants.

Of course a mother is not label at all, you can read at here alot of people dating after separation people with kids.

But you can read as well that cheaters have a bad label forever!

Try to get some couple time with your H, tell him how sad you feel when he stops trying!! you can fix it!

Good luck, and please don't take everything personally, see the main idea.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Thank you for responding. I understand what you are saying. 

What you said about cheaters having a bad label forever is very, very true. Thank you for saying that. I like reading things I have not thought about. I never thought of myself as a cheating type of person. In real life I am very, very loyal person. I want the best for everyone and would be quick to tell anyone all of these things if they were thinking about cheating. Maybe I'm a hypocrite? I don't want to be. I just want to be at peace with my whole life, ya know?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Here's the thing Coastgirl and take it from a guy who has grandkids only slightly younger than you. The old boy that you have the hots for is not interest in getting caught in the kiddy trap with you and with your kids. Like he said, he wants to start a family, not have a readymade one where he's spending tens of thousands of his hard earned money taking care of someone else's responsibility. Plus, he knows, if he has any sense at all, every time he tries to disciple the little hellions, you'd be on his azz like a momma grizzly. Worse, if he were saddled with four dependents, how do you think he'd grow to feel about you once the single, unencumbered chicks start sashaying around him. Probably like you do about your old man, you know, the life you missed out on.
Regarding your concern this feeling of wondering if my marriage is wrong, if you wonder whether its wrong, it means that it is. You got pregnant and got married to young. Chances are your old man feels the same as you, hence his abusive behavior. He calls you names and pushes you because he blames you for the frustration and mega-responsibility of three kids. Unfortunately, the abuse is likely to get worse. Its a little late my girl for you to be talking about "dates", notwithstanding dates with your husband. Men date woman for two reasons; one as prelude to a longer romantic relationship and two, to get in their pants. Guess which one you are.
I cannot advise you on reconciling your disappointment with the breadth of your life, and your marriage but from the way you're talking it doesn't look good baby girl. The title of your thread speaks volumes. My take is your marriage will likely end short of some serious counseling. My advice on "other guy" thing is if you just have to pursue it, be careful, realize its nothing more than a fling, realize there is no un-ringing that bell, and stay off cell phones and any form of written media like letters, text and email. When it ends, and it will, you'll only be sorry once and that will be forever.


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

So if you feel you have been rushing things in life and making mistakes, cheating won't help you fix them. It will just add more mistakes and more rushed things in your life and messing it up a lot more than it is today.

Finish your school and get a job, then see if your marriage is fixable or not and decide what you want to do with it.
If you finish it then you can start seeing other people honestly, and the people you'll meet will know that your looking for a serious relationship and you'll have a better chance to find someone who will accept your "baggage" as you called it.
If you decide to fix your marriage stop playing with fire outside of it.

Believe me, the man who is now pursuing you is doing it just for some sex, nothing more. If you go down that route your life is probably bound to get a lot worse than it is now.


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## Suspecting2014 (Jun 11, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Thank you for responding. I understand what you are saying.
> 
> What you said about cheaters having a bad label forever is very, very true. Thank you for saying that. I like reading things I have not thought about. I never thought of myself as a cheating type of person. In real life I am very, very loyal person. I want the best for everyone and would be quick to tell anyone all of these things if they were thinking about cheating. Maybe I'm a hypocrite? I don't want to be. I just want to be at peace with my whole life, ya know?


If you get to a point where your marriage is not working anymore, get an amicable D. You can read at TAM that the must hurt from an affair is for the kids...so take good care of them.
Try keeping no contact to this guy. if you are doubting being with him could make you make a mistake.

Must people have cheated just by not being eyed open and expose themselves to a easy cheating situation (lunch alone, a drink , etc)

If he text you any inappropriate stuff, tell your husband right away, you dont want him to find it and think you were doing something wrong.

By not a second try to be his friend, this is just the leading trick to cheat.

Be very careful about this guy,

Good luck!


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Remember also, some family court judges don't look kindly on wayward spouses when deciding on custody issues...

From another site:

>Adultery and Child Custody

Having an extramarital affair is not a factor considered in its own right, but it does go into the courts assessment of these other factors. For example, if you engaged in an affair that embarrassed the child in some way or that otherwise indicates that you were putting your own needs and desires above the needs of the child, this can be used as evidence against your fitness as a parent.<

Your children should come FIRST in your life...before your husband, before yourself and definitely before the OM. If you chance the affair and your husband finds out, be prepared to lose everything. Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but do you really want to take that chance?


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## StuckInAL (May 8, 2014)

my wife and i also married very young..."missed" out on alot of things as you feel you did. it cause massive problems in our marriage.

she was right where you are now about 7 yrs ago (minus the kids and abusive husband)....but wondering if she'd made the right choices...if she was w/the right man...etc...etc.

sounds like you are dealing w/the fantasy of what life could be like...when the reality is that life is what it is. marriage is hard; with anyone. 

i'd advise you to have a serious talk w/your husband....let him know how you feel and you guys work on your marriage.

i like to think if my wife had sat me down in an adult manner and really laid out before me how unhappy she was; we'd not have dealt w/infidelity......


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Jambri said:


> Your children should come FIRST in your life...before your husband, before yourself and definitely before the OM. If you chance the affair and your husband finds out, be prepared to lose everything. Maybe you will and maybe you won't, but do you really want to take that chance?


Some experts will disagree with this and have written many volumes researched about this exactly. They feel that the spouse and yourself and well being should come first,and then the kids should come after that. They state that without this philosophy, the marriage experiences a breakdown. I know many parents believe (and I am one of them) as you have written that the young children still in the home should come first, but they state that this is a wrong position, as by the time the children leave home, too much damage is done to repair and that the marriage vows should come first.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Thank you for replying. The man I just met is around 30. He said he's really ready to get married and start a family.


That's nice and all but you are married.



CoastGirl9 said:


> My feelings have not just "appeared" since I met another man.


But they are exacerbated by the fact that you have met someone else you have a crush on. That isn't rocket science. It's just a fact.

Talk to your husband about how you feel. Tell him the dynamic between you needs to change and that your emotional needs are not being met. he has already found messages between you and this man so he is probably hurt and also reeling. Either it changes between you guys or it doesn't. Then you need to decide whether to stay or go. Don't cheat though. It's weak.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I want my husband and I to work out but I just never was able to find myself. How do I do that?"

OP,

You do that by accepting this basic truth...who we 'are' is nothing more than a function of the choices we make in life.

You chose to be a wife and a mother...certainly at a lot younger age than most people would recommend, but it is still who you 'chose' to be.

Going back and second guessing your choices and creating mental what if scenarios in your head is not gonna lead to some big discovery/epiphany moment where you finally discover this 'secret' or 'hidden' you.

All its going to do is lead you into actions, like potentially cheating with this POS, that will totally erase and destroy the identity/person you are today.

And yes, if this guy is expressing interest in another man's W he is a POS with no character or morals at all.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Your chosen profession is fraught with affairs that ruin families if you choose to do that. You can also have integrity and a great career.

This OM has not sworn vows to your husband, you did. He is only there to get you to break your vows and when your husband finds out, the OM will run. He just wants a piece of you, not the whole thing. Then you'll be divorced with no one, and maybe 3 kids to stop you from dating ever again. 

Guys really don't care for a package. They'd rather date a single one, not with kids. Don't make this mistake with your life. The OM is playing you. Don't be that naive. He is not a friend of your marriage. Plenty of jerks around like him. Don't bring poison into your life that will hurt your family. 

The OM is using a basic trick naive ladies go for. He is "friending" you and will push your boundaries and comfort zone. Gain your trust. Get you to talk about all your problems and be a shoulder to cry on... Look how far he's gotten already. It may take a while longer, but he's gonna do you. Then dump you. Wake the heck up. You're being played.

Yep, you have issues in your relationship. Everyone does. No one is perfect. So go easy.

Your husband can be fixed. Can you be fixed?

What's this single guy doing with a married mother? TAM/CWI members can answer that easily and so can you. And you're so sure he's single?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Coastgirl9
I think you need to separate two things. Is your marriage unhappy, and your interest in this new guy. 

There is an old song with the line "love is an angle disguised as lust". True, but lust is also a devil disguised as love. It is easy for someone who is physically desirable to seem to be emotionally desirable, for the physical attraction to feel like love. Generally when you meet a new person it is under positive conditions in a relaxed fun setting, not with all the stresses of real life. 

So try to separate the thoughts in your head. If you are unhappy in your marriage, then think about how you can possible fix it. If you cant fix it, then consider divorce. Everyone deserves to have a happy life - marriage is important, but its not worth a lifetime of unhappiness.

Until you settle that (at least in your mind), keep this other guy only to your fantasies.


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## Growapair (Sep 19, 2013)

Ok, sorry if what I’m about to say sounds mean, but this is just me being frank with you.

Since you seem very naïve about guys and their intentions in general, maybe it helps to hear this from a guy. Most guys are “pigs” when it comes to women. Scratch that, 95%+ of guys are pigs when it comes to women. I think those celibate monks in Asia make up the rest 5%. 

You’re a married mother of three who is going through rough patch in her life. Guess what these single or married guys who seem to be “hitting off” with you are after? Hint: refer back to the third sentence above.

These guys don’t want to take you out on a romantic date, pamper you and romance you. This is not Sex and the City. You're not Sarah Jessica Parker. You dont have an apple Powerbook where you record the events of the day by narrating it, ok, maybe you do, but that's not the point. Any guy who seems to be interested in a married mother of three is only after one thing. Remember that Lauren Hill song.. That thing, That thing, Thaaaat thiiiiinnng! I think you get the hint!

Now if what you’re looking for is to get some’in, some’in on the side, maybe in his car after class? with no romance or future, with the possibility of ending up a single mother of three on welfare, then you should pursue this male nurse with whom you are hitting off.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

LOL Thank you for making me smile today. I needed it!! Actually when I read that I had a reply from "Growapair", I knew I had quite the response coming =) Anyways, Thank you for the response. I didn't find it harsh but truthfully told in a kind tone. I know men are usually only after one thing. Actually this guy is not going for Nursing. He's actually military and just got home from active duty in Afghanistan. But that probably doesn't help anything does it? Military men usually don't have the best reps.....


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> LOL Thank you for making me smile today. I needed it!! Actually when I read that I had a reply from "Growapair", I knew I had quite the response coming =) Anyways, Thank you for the response. I didn't find it harsh but truthfully told in a kind tone. I know men are usually only after one thing. Actually this guy is not going for Nursing. He's actually military and just got home from active duty in Afghanistan. But that probably doesn't help anything does it? Military men usually don't have the best reps.....


A guy in the military? Seriously?
Are you collecting cliches for a recipe for disaster?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@CoastGirl9

Life is not perfect for "many" people. Every time you feel bad, remind yourself of this reality. Grass always seems greener on the other side but this is an illusion.

You need to focus on fixing your marriage. Please also keep in mind that nobody is perfect; you are not perfect either. You think that you have taken a lot and your husband might be a horrible person but you need to focus on your imperfections as well. 

Marriage is not just about romance and happily every after, it is a major development and responsibility. It have its rough phases. People have rough phases in life. Here is an example: http://www.newsday.com/opinion/oped...o-pick-up-food-stamps-darlena-cunha-1.8726138

You are young and you have potential. Do not let the harshness of life fail you, succeed in your objectives and you will be in a better place then you ever had been in the near future.

Also, you are making a miscalculation by having a male friend while experiencing a rough patch in your marriage. You need to FIX your marriage, try to convey your concerns and feelings to your husband so he can do something about this. Drop the OM before things escalate.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

CoastGirl9 said:


> I just want to be at peace with my whole life, ya know?


If you really want peace then stop talking to the other man and
start looking for ways to communicate your emotional needs to your husband.

You may read those two books as beginning:

His Needs, Her Needs: by Willard F. Jr. Harley  

The 5 Love Languages: by Gary Chapman


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

IMO, it's easy to idealize another guy since you just interact with him on a superficial level. Sharing private details of your lives or understanding and emotional support are not what shows real compatible intimacy. It's easy to idealize someone when you are not sharing your daily lives together, having dealt with all the routine stuffs together, and can choose to show your best selves to each other. This is why the grass often seems greener on the other side. And so many people seems compatible or ideal at first! Yet you won't know how it will develop later. And if you or the other guy are also not mature enough, same old relationship issues or others would surface the same.

You need to focus on your marriage. Do you still love him? What is missing? Emotional connection? You said that you haven't dated, do you and your husband go out at all? A cinema night, or cinema at home while cuddling, or a dinner even if it is not anything expensive... Or a small trip, perhaps each year, while leaving your kids to the grandparents or family for a few days... Or during the night share some series to watch... Or think of a medium term project for your home... Or have fun figuring out new recipes to cook... Things to do together, even if just a walk at park away without the kids...

Relationships are like plants, no one can take it for granted and should water it with romance every now and then. Hoping for rain to come is recipe for disaster.

Tell him how you feel, the lack of romance, or even suggest doing things together. Take initiative. Find out what both would enjoy.
Get something sexy for the nights.  Spice it up. Get physically affectionate even if not for sex.


Also, you need to talk to your husband about the physical aggression even if it's minimal. It is wrong and he must stop and can't take it lightly. If he has anger issues he needs to see counseling or find healthy outlets.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You want to know why everything seems perfect? Because you are living two lives. 
I did something similar myself, and realized how stupid I was for entertaining the idea. 

You are 25, with 3 kids, and a husband. Going to school, to get a job in nursing. Your husband has mental problems that causes him to act out, hurting you emotionally, and draining you. This is no doubt taking a toll on your relationship and marriage. That is the real you. That is your reality. 

In your classes, you are 25 years old, getting ready to start your career, where you can make good money, mingle with rich doctors, and in general, do good for society as a whole. 
You also meet this guy, who lacks all the negatives your husband has (probably because you haven't seen them yet) and he seems perfect. 
And you fantasize about everything. 
What if you didn't have 3 children, and a husband with anger issues? What if you two could date, and go out, and start a family? What would your life be like then?

But you know, this is a fantasy. 
You just love entertaining the fantasy, because you are able to live it and entertain it every time you have classes. 
You need to realize, this is a fantasy, and nothing more.


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## Growapair (Sep 19, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> LOL Thank you for making me smile today. I needed it!! Actually when I read that I had a reply from "Growapair", I knew I had quite the response coming =) Anyways, Thank you for the response. I didn't find it harsh but truthfully told in a kind tone. I know men are usually only after one thing. Actually this guy is not going for Nursing. He's actually military and just got home from active duty in Afghanistan. But that probably doesn't help anything does it? Military men usually don't have the best reps.....


I’m glad I could make you laugh today. We have to laugh at life sometimes. 

But on a serious note, this male nurse is very bad news for your marriage (I know he’s not male nurse). What you have for him is fantasy. Your entire perception of this male nurse is a fantasy brewing from the fact that you’re unhappy with your marriage. 

Remember you were once crazy about your husband. Remember how you felt when you were 17 and your parents did everything to coc$-block! Yeah, see if you can get that back with your husband. It was once there! 

Stop seeing or communicating with this male nurse. Thank him for his service to our country and leave him alone. 

Remember this: If the grass appears to be greener on the other side, water your own damn lawn!


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> This is my very first post. I'm not even sure where to begin so just bare with me.
> 
> I'm a 25 year old married women to my 26 year old husband. We have been together since I was barely 17. He was my first "Real" boyfriend. Heck, he was my first everything. We had a secret relationship for the first year. My parents were extremely controlling and forbidden me from dating him but being 17 I rebelled and figured out any way I could possibly see him. Fast forward two years and at the age of 18 I have gotten pregnant very unexpectedly. I was forced by my parents to drop out of nursing school and this is where I feel like my life just started spinning.
> 
> ...


OP

(see bolded) how mean, more exactly? e.g. what are some of the worst things he has ever said to you, called you? how often do you guys have these kinds of fights?


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Well....he's called me a B**** about 7 or 8 times total, he's told me he could "take me" (Like in a fight) a few times (Yeah, how charming), told me our kids prefer him over me, told me I "tantrum" like our son when I start crying hard, about 6 years ago he put his head (!!) through our bedroom wall....there's more but I can't think of it. Maybe that's a good thing that I have forgotten?

These things don't all happen at once during fights. Usually he just turns incredibly cold. For instance when I start crying really hard and unable to pronounce words correctly he will mimic me. I will beg him to stop fighting with me and just hug me. He will just stare at me. He gets crazy sarcastic and cannot be defensive and respectful at the same time. He becomes what he thinks is "logical" and starts telling me what I'm thinking in his own words. Everything is twisted around and becomes about him. This happens every. single. fight. We have these fights about once a month.

Heart to hearts with him are non-existent. I've practiced all the right psychology in our talks of starting my sentences with "I feel" and really listening to him. I've told everything I truly feel deep down. I've said how I want to be with him and the potential I feel our marriage has. Everything turns into him wanting a big drag out fight. Everything turns out to be all about him. I swear his mind is literally programmed to take in the truth and spit out anything that works in his favor.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

I hope you wake up and start thinking about your kids.

Your new "dates" do not want the kids, just you. 

If you want to leave your kids and your H, keep thinking fantasy land.


Do not do this to your kids. Reality is working the 12 hours shifts at night and taking care of kids during the day. nursing school is hard, but many of these wonderful students would love to have sex with you, but only want the sex and not the responsibilities 
of your kids. 


I have several daughters that are nurses. So is my wife. Wake up and at least be a good mother.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Well....he's called me a B**** about 7 or 8 times total, he's told me he could "take me" (Like in a fight) a few times (Yeah, how charming), told me our kids prefer him over me, told me I "tantrum" like our son when I start crying hard, about 6 years ago he put his head (!!) through our bedroom wall....there's more but I can't think of it. Maybe that's a good thing that I have forgotten?
> 
> These things don't all happen at once during fights. Usually he just turns incredibly cold. For instance when I start crying really hard and unable to pronounce words correctly he will mimic me. I will beg him to stop fighting with me and just hug me. He will just stare at me. He gets crazy sarcastic and cannot be defensive and respectful at the same time. He becomes what he thinks is "logical" and starts telling me what I'm thinking in his own words. Everything is twisted around and becomes about him. This happens every. single. fight. We have these fights about once a month.
> 
> Heart to hearts with him are non-existent. I've practiced all the right psychology in our talks of starting my sentences with "I feel" and really listening to him. I've told everything I truly feel deep down. I've said how I want to be with him and the potential I feel our marriage has. Everything turns into him wanting a big drag out fight. Everything turns out to be all about him. I swear his mind is literally programmed to take in the truth and spit out anything that works in his favor.


Wow honestly this is quite bad...  He seems to have little to no empathy to your feelings when you guys fight! What were you fighting about?? How could he be that cold? Not only not trying to comfort you but even mocking you when you cry hard... I can't imagine how can someone do this to someone he/she loves.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

That's what I think too. How could someone be so cold during a fight but so perfect when not fighting? I know most women in abusive situations says "Oh but he really does love me! He's usually not bad!". I'm not joking when it literally baffles me how great of a man he is without fighting. He does anything and everything I like, supports me in all my decisions, doesn't hold me back from friends or family what so ever, wants to attend church, works his butt off so I don't have to work while going to school.... I could go on and on.

We get into a fight, all bets are off and he turns into a monster. It's so, so hard to wrap my head around.

Our fights usually don't start out big. It seems like he doesn't want to quit until he's killed me emotionally. The other night he got mad at me for a trivial thing and I just didn't respond to his ranting. He HATED that!!! He was slamming doors and would not shut up. He tries to provoke the hell out of me =(


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> Wow honestly this is quite bad...  He seems to have little to no empathy to your feelings when you guys fight! What were you fighting about?? How could he be that cold? Not only not trying to comfort you but even mocking you when you cry hard... I can't imagine how can someone do this to someone he/she loves.


Obviously you have never been with someone that can cry on demand and thinks that they need to be the center of all attention and placed on a pedestal? Those type of people make it all about them and their feelings while neglecting everyone else and their feelings. When they aren't getting the response they want then they turn on the water works, and generally that is at every argument. After a while one becomes jaded to it and it no longer works to illicit a response. Lots of those types are overly thin skinned and can't take ANY criticism so they turn to tears to stop the criticisms. (not saying this is the case with the OP, but when you have been with and around enough of these people, you just stop reacting to it as it is their coping mechanism. People see this behavior as acceptable but someone getting angry as not, when in reality they are the same thing, a calculated response to be able to deal with a situation.)


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

CoastGirl9 said:


> That's what I think too. How could someone be so cold during a fight but so perfect when not fighting? I know most women in abusive situations says "Oh but he really does love me! He's usually not bad!". I'm not joking when it literally baffles me how great of a man he is without fighting. He does anything and everything I like, supports me in all my decisions, doesn't hold me back from friends or family what so ever, wants to attend church, works his butt off so I don't have to work while going to school.... I could go on and on.
> 
> We get into a fight, all bets are off and he turns into a monster. It's so, so hard to wrap my head around.
> 
> Our fights usually don't start out big. It seems like he doesn't want to quit until he's killed me emotionally. The other night he got mad at me for a trivial thing and I just didn't respond to his ranting. He HATED that!!! He was slamming doors and would not shut up. He tries to provoke the hell out of me =(


 Perhaps his childhood does have to do with his poor emotional and conflicts management? He needs to figure out ways to deal with it like getting therapy... Hopefully he doesn't do this or won't do this to the kids if they talk back or misbehave? Idk but you might want to convince him of this.

Can you remove yourself from the situation when he gets too much? Would he follow you and continue getting aggressive?

Maybe other TAM members can help you with this.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> Obviously you have never been with someone that can cry on demand and thinks that they need to be the center of all attention and placed on a pedestal? Those type of people make it all about them and their feelings while neglecting everyone else and their feelings. When they aren't getting the response they want then they turn on the water works, and generally that is at every argument. After a while one becomes jaded to it and it no longer works to illicit a response. Lots of those types are overly thin skinned and can't take ANY criticism so they turn to tears to stop the criticisms. (not saying this is the case with the OP, but when you have been with and around enough of these people, you just stop reacting to it as it is their coping mechanism. People see this behavior as acceptable but someone getting angry as not, when in reality they are the same thing, a calculated response to be able to deal with a situation.)


Maybe you have a point, although OP's husband sounds emotional and possibly aggressive. He pushed her to the wall once, also slammed doors and would not shut up, which sounds like wanting to continue with the conflict.

But then we all don't know OP in real life, so in the end it's hard to tell.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> That's what I think too. *How could someone be so cold during a fight but so perfect when not fighting?* I know most women in abusive situations says "Oh but he really does love me! He's usually not bad!". I'm not joking when it literally baffles me how great of a man he is without fighting. He does anything and everything I like, supports me in all my decisions, doesn't hold me back from friends or family what so ever, wants to attend church, works his butt off so I don't have to work while going to school.... I could go on and on.
> 
> We get into a fight, all bets are off and he turns into a monster. It's so, so hard to wrap my head around.
> 
> Our fights usually don't start out big. It seems like he doesn't want to quit until he's killed me emotionally. The other night he got mad at me for a trivial thing and I just didn't respond to his ranting. He HATED that!!! He was slamming doors and would not shut up. He tries to provoke the hell out of me =(


(BOLDED) is not an unusual pattern at all with spouses that are emotionally abusive. It also could be a sign of him having a Personaility Disorder, which aren't very amenable to treatment. Such people are simply not fit for marriage, nor parenthood for that matter. You will have to decide just how bad his abuse is.....on some reasoable scale. IMO it is a BIG mistake to stay married to an abusive spouse.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Nuclearnightmare- I have thought about him having personality disorder for a while now. Knowing him he just doesn't fit a stereotypical abuser. I've been taking quite a few psychology classes and learning as much as I can. Mental illnesses runs very bad in his family. Especially Bi-polar. He did tell me one time it's very hard for him to feel feelings. He was pretty much abandoned as a child and there are times when I don't know if it's his inner child talking and wanting attention or if it's him admitting a real issue.

I usually don't feed into his "inner child" as I call it. He is a grown man and that's how I will treat him.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> (BOLDED) is not an unusual pattern at all with spouses that are emotionally abusive. It also could be a sign of him having a Personaility Disorder, which aren't very amenable to treatment. Such people are simply not fit for marriage, nor parenthood for that matter. You will have to decide just how bad his abuse is.....on some reasoable scale. IMO it is a BIG mistake to stay married to an abusive spouse.


Yes, but does he start the fight cold, or is he pushed that way by the other spouse?? Someone that starts cold could be a candidate for Personality Disorder, but someone pushed to the brink by another person could just be reacting to the situation. I would bet he has anger issue that need addressing, but not being there when they fight, we can't say that he pushed her against the wall because he was being aggressive, as he could have been defending himself against her advances. People never really seem to tell the truth about their actions in a fight, but remember everyone else's perfectly.


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

You said it yourself that you really want things to work out between you and your husband. Going any further down this path might keep that from taking place. So I think it's really important to keep that in mind before you go any further with this other man.

Have you considered marriage (or even individual) counseling? You're obviously going through a difficult season right now, but a good counselor can help you get through this. And they might even be able to help you communicate your feelings to your husband and get on the same page with one another. Date nights are a great start -- hopefully your husband will get on board with that option.

Hang in there! Praying for you, friend.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Squeekr-Wow, you're really playing the devils advocate aren't you? I am the first person to agree with you that there are two sides to every situation. But I can promise that I don't number one "Cry on demand when I don't get my way" and number two I don't "push" him into being cold. Some men believe it or not can just jerks. He has a multitude of childhood issues. He's been through crazy amounts of abuse. Starting out cold in an argument would not be that far fetched considering his past.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

CafeRed- Thank you for the prayers. While I don't consider myself very religious, I do try and have a relationship with God. I prayed last night about this. Admitting my faults and asking for help. I know what I am feeling isn't right. I figure God wants me to come to him even when I am acting not very God like.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Squeekr-Wow, you're really playing the devils advocate aren't you? I am the first person to agree with you that there are two sides to every situation. But I can promise that I don't number one "Cry on demand when I don't get my way" and number two I don't "push" him into being cold. Some men believe it or not can just jerks. He has a multitude of childhood issues. He's been through crazy amounts of abuse. Starting out cold in an argument would not be that far fetched considering his past.


Some men can be jerks, some women can be jerks. This isn't a gender thing. Fact is we are only getting your side to the story, he isn't here to defend himself or give his side so how much of what is really going on is up to interpretation or gut feeling on the part of those reading your posts. One thing that continually gnaws at me is the abuse thing. According to you he pushed you up against a wall one time. Now don't get me wrong, I am not condoning that kind of behavior but let me ask you, has he hit you, slapped you or pushed you around on any other occasion? If not I fail to see where this one time occurrence warrants being labeled as an abuser. If that is the case then any wife who has ever slapped her husband one time is an abuser. Now the verbal abuse that is a different matter entirely. Your husband seems to have a temper and an inability to deal with conflict in a constructive manner and that is where a therapist should be able to right the ship but I don't see where this can't be fixed. When I was a kid and my parents got into fights my mom would go ballistic, screaming at the top of her lungs at my dad, throwing dishes into the sink, slamming the cupboards, and doing other various things that would cause us kids to scurry away seeking cover. My dad would just slink away like a mouse, not daring to say a word back to her. They are 70 now, still together and still in love. My mom is one of the most religious people I know and it's funny to think of some of the things she did back when she was younger and full of vigor but even then we all knew that wasn't really her. It was just her way of letting out lifes' frustrations. My dad was just more adept at letting things slide off his shoulders and not worrying about anything. Same with lots of people I know who's spouses call them b*tches or this or that and next thing you know they are back to normal again. Fights happen, that is a part of marriage. When you are with another person for so many years there are bound to be conflicts. But you yourself said that in all other aspects of your life he is a great provider and overall person. So count yourself lucky


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Please end any and all contact with OM. He is toxic to you and your family. Do not bring poison into your home. Remove him fromFB, cell phone and emails. Focus on your family.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

Jambry, Idk, if OP can count herself lucky then I'm very very lucky, since my H would never get physical in anyways, we never yell like crazy nor call each other names nor fight like this. Slammed doors or raising voice perhaps in a few occasions, but no flying dishes or yelling like crazy.

Conflicts are normal, but fighting that negatively, it's not supposed to.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Squeekr-Wow, you're really playing the devils advocate aren't you? I am the first person to agree with you that there are two sides to every situation. But I can promise that I don't number one "Cry on demand when I don't get my way" and number two I don't "push" him into being cold. Some men believe it or not can just jerks. He has a multitude of childhood issues. He's been through crazy amounts of abuse. Starting out cold in an argument would not be that far fetched considering his past.


Sorry if my statements offended, as that was not the intention. I was not playing the devil's advocate and it is not just men that can be jerks and cold. I have experienced this first hand (as I said I wasn't trying to imply that this was the case for you) where the person shuts down and uses tears as a defense mechanism, just as some use anger and violence. It is a way to shut themselves off from the pain and situation at hand and gain a measure of control over the situation. Unfortunately the stereotypes would dictate the cryer to be female and the abuser/ aggressor to be male in most cases. After people have been together long enough, they know how to push the others buttons and sometimes the results aren't good.

Abuse is unacceptable definitely, but without knowing both sides of the story and what each is doing within the fights, I am not sure that I would be so quick to call him an abuser. I believe if your description is accurate and truthful, that he has anger issue, but I am not being so quick to judge as unhappy spouses (especially those that become way wards) have a way of re-wrtiting history to support their viewpoints and make the betrayed a monster and responsible for all things bad in the marriage and world.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

rEad the first post and skipped to the end. Any kind of affair, emotional or physical will cut up human hearts, including yours. Book MC and tell your husband that in xx days he should be there. If the time creates a conflict change it. In MC you can talk about your feelings in a controlled situation.

Your husbands abuse is unacceptable. You have to make that clear as day.

If your marriage is merely unfulfilling, well, life is never 100% satisfying, so you need to evaluate what is missing.

Falling out of love is a legitimate reason to divorce in modern society. After divorce you will be able to date and have sex with other men. It may be great. It may scramble your brains. There are many women on TAM who are wise and can explain what you stand to lose or gain.


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> Jambry, Idk, if OP can count herself lucky then I'm very very lucky, since my H would never get physical in anyways, we never yell like crazy nor call each other names nor fight like this. Slammed doors or raising voice perhaps in a few occasions, but no flying dishes or yelling like crazy.
> 
> Conflicts are normal, but fighting that negatively, it's not supposed to.


Again, I agree that getting physical is wrong. But I refuse to label someone a serial abuser due to a one-time occurrence. 

As far as fighting...people approach conflicts in their marriages in different ways. There is little that separates slamming doors from throwing dishes. That's just splitting hairs. As long as nobody gets hurt and you remain true to your spouse and the vow you made, fighting can be a therapeutic thing, not a negative thing.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Jambri said:


> Again, I agree that getting physical is wrong. But I refuse to label someone a serial abuser due to a one-time occurrence.
> 
> As far as fighting...people approach conflicts in their marriages in different ways. There is little that separates slamming doors from throwing dishes. That's just splitting hairs. As long as nobody gets hurt and you remain true to your spouse and the vow you made, fighting can be a therapeutic thing, not a negative thing.


I agree and there is a difference between pushing someone up against a wall as a defense action to hold them still and immobilize them and their attack aggression towards someone and slamming them against a wall as an aggressive action meant to hurt them. We don't know what he did or his attentions so I am not quick to label that as abuse either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> I have really realized on the life I missed out on. One thing that really bothers me is that I have never been taken on a date. I have never even dated. I get attention from men who I think "What if?". I am not looking for anyone in particular but I feel like I clung onto my husband to escape a controlling household. I am finally back in school for Nursing and I'm meeting alot of people.


How much does husband's abuse play into this? 

I've read some like this here where there was no abuse at all but the wife cheated because she felt she missed out.

Every one is focused on the abuse, but I don't see where that is mentioned as a reason. A justification. Is it?


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> My husband found a couple of *friendly* messages on Facebook between me and the other guy and flipped.


In another post you said "flirty." Which was it, friendly or flirty?


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> I have recently met a guy who I kind of hit it off with. We haven't had any physical contact at all. We haven't even admitted any feelings. We have exchanged phone numbers and Facebook. My husband found a couple of friendly messages on Facebook between me and the other guy.
> I just can't help but to think that I would be dating this guy if I wasn't marred.
> 
> How do I stop really wanting to date another man?
> ...


Does other man know you are married with kids?

Is other man flirting with you?

Do you think other man would sleep with you if you wanted it?

What kind of 30-year-old single guy is interested in dating a *married* woman with 3 kids? I'm not talking about an *unattached* woman with 3 kids, I'm talking about a married woman with 3 kids. What kind of single 30-year-old guy wants to date a *married* woman with 3 kids?


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

Try to imagine that you are single and never been married and you are 30 years old and want to finally settle down and start a family. Would you date a 30-year-old *married* guy who has 3 kids?


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## Just Joe (May 26, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Over the past few years now that I have "grown up" I have really realized on the life I missed out on.


My last post here, I promise, but you are the same age as some of my nephews and nieces, and they are smart people, but they lack the wisdom that a 50-year-old has.

And when you are 50 you will realize what hogwash that is in the quotes up there.

We all make choices, whatever paths we choose in life, we give up the other path. Sometimes it may seem like the path chose you, or you didn't have a choice, but you did, at every step of the way, have a choice, and these are the choices you made.

If you want to go on a different path now, then go ahead, and if you want to be a cheater, then go ahead, it's your life and you can do what you want.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Coast girl - just don't cheat. Your marriage won't be perfect -- no ones is. You will screw up, he will screw up. That's normal. But cheating will forever damage the marriage. If you truly don't want to be with husband then leave him. 

But as a former 30 year old single guy, I had one thing on my mind when it came to opposite sex friends. 1. Do I want to get into her pants; 2. How quickly can I get into her pants? I can't think of one single guy I know outside the priesthood that doesn't spend 24:7 thinking about how to get laid.

And after that? He would leave you high and dry. Not to sound callous, but what he doesn't want is to supprt three young children that aren't his own, with an exhusband lurking about. That's too much like work.

So do not sleep with this guy. Cut off all contact. And then if u still don't want your husband leave him. As I said yesterday finish school, concentrate on what's best for the kids.

Can you pledge here to take the first step and cut off all contact with your friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Just out of curiosity, which is worse assuming that it happens;
her cheating on him or him abusing her? I get the impression her interest in the other man overshadows his purported abuse of her. Ya, I know they are both bad but equally so? I guess my question is would you rather have your spouse verbally and physically abuse you or cheat on you. 
Anybody feel froggy enough to jump on this one.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Well to take a page from our friend in the other thread who slept with four hookers and now is mad his wife cheated...

They are both despicable acts and I hate to start ranking what is worse than what. But if I HAD to choose...I would find domestic violence more vile than cheating. Without getting into HOW abusive was the abuse, or how long or deceitful the affair was. Just my opinion please don't castrate me.

OP says her husband pushed her around and is verbally abusive. If she wasn't on CWI and the school friend wasn't involved in this, we would advise her to strongly consider taking her children and leaving. I will take her word that he is abusive and she should consider leaving.

But if it's all justification to start dating school friend then that is terrible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

CoastGirl: Look up your local YWCA chapter and reach out to them for group counseling for victims of domestic violence. It's an amazing, 16-wk program that is provided free of charge. BtDT.... my exH was very physically and verbally abusive.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Surprised no one has asked how do you think your husband would react if you cheated and he caught you?? Especially if he blows up over trivial things.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Oh my goodness. Where to start? I left my computer for a couple of hours and now I have a lot to catch up on. On a side note: I highly recommend a long run in the woods with ear buds blaring music. I ran for an hour straight today just trying to process this. Highly therapeutic. =)

Do I want to cheat and will I cheat are actually two different things. Do I WANT to? Honestly? Yes. WILL I cheat? More than likely no. I'm just one of those people that can't do a really bad thing when push comes to shove. I know there are people here who probably think I'm lying through my teeth. I get that. But if any of you knew me in real life you would know that I'm probably one of the most faithful friends you would ever have. I have everyone's best interest at heart. 
This is going to sound terrible....forgive me... but I have fun getting a little attention from this guy. It makes me feel like someone out there see's me as something other then a mom, a really young mom, and something to take issues out on. Like I said in my earlier post that when I feel like I'm sitting in class and I say something a little too flirty I will pull out my phone and start showing him pictures of my kids and husband. It's how I stay grounded. I talk about my husband to him. I say things like "Yeah, my husband also likes that" or I've told him how my husband and I met. The other man doesn't come on too strong. We hit it off as good friends but I'm not one of those that thinks men and women can be good friends only.

Someone asked what if I did cheat how would my husband react? Hmmm....he would probably punch a wall and then sulk for a long, long time. I know he's not expecting me to cheat so I don't think he would be prepared for a big blow out. 

Ready for the weird part? I really wanted my husband to meet him. I felt like they would hit it off well too. Where this is coming from? I have no idea.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Jambri said:


> Again, I agree that getting physical is wrong. But I refuse to label someone a serial abuser due to a one-time occurrence.
> 
> As far as fighting...people approach conflicts in their marriages in different ways. There is little that separates slamming doors from throwing dishes. That's just splitting hairs. As long as nobody gets hurt and you remain true to your spouse and the vow you made, fighting can be a therapeutic thing, not a negative thing.


Emotional abuse is words...not physical. Thatis what she is saying he has been doing habitually. A practiced offender can pick the right words to slice up thier partners self concept bit by bit over the years. They can be very sick people, unfit for marriage - like I said.
Does not give her an excuse to cheat. Does give her solid reason to shut down her marriage TODAY.


BTW we hardly ever have the other side of these stories. Don't see why people have the need to constantly speculate and 2nd guess an OPs story.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

nuclearnightmare; said:


> BTW we hardly ever have the other side of these stories. Don't see why people have the need to constantly speculate and 2nd guess an OPs story.


Because like it or not, it is human nature to embellish your story to make it support your point in the best way possible and many times we do this in out minds subconsciously without ill content, it just happens. This is why they always say there are 3 sides to every story, person one's view, person two's view, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. 

Doesn't matter if it is the BS or WS, they both rewrite history to some extent. Perceptions aren't always the truth and shouldn't be immediately accepted as such. Of that was the case, most people would be locked up as abusers as that is how their other half perceived the actions or words and will relay it to others as such.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Emotional abuse is words...not physical. Thatis what she is saying he has been doing habitually. A practiced offender can pick the right words to slice up thier partners self concept bit by bit over the years. They can be very sick people, unfit for marriage - like I said.
> Does not give her an excuse to cheat. Does give her solid reason to shut down her marriage TODAY.
> 
> 
> BTW we hardly ever have the other side of these stories. Don't see why people have the need to constantly speculate and 2nd guess an OPs story.


I am well aware of what emotional abuse is. She claims verbal AND physical. It seems to me many have picked up on the claims of physical abuse and ran with it. Sorry but I am still not sold on him being a physical abuser. Nobody here knows if he picked her up and threw her into the wall or if he grabbed her shoulders and stood her up as an attention-getter. Neither is the right thing to do but one is far less egregious than the other and she really never elaborated. 

As far as speculating and second guessing, there are many scenarios on this site that are cut and dried and easy to offer advice on. Cheating on a partner, whether physical or emotional, heavy drinking or drug use, trouble with the law, etc. This guy has done none of those things and as a matter of fact in her own words she has only said that he "called her names" when they fought and even said afterward that he is the most perfect husband in every other aspect of their life. Now if she wants to "shut down her marriage" over that then that is her choice but I will continue to speculate that there is more to it than that, especially since she is coming forward with his "abusive" behavior (which only happens when they fight) right on the heels of meeting her new Don Juan (of whom she admits she flirts with).

BTW, I would love to know how many people calling for her to divorce this guy have ever called their SO a choice name or two in the midst of an argument.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"This is going to sound terrible....forgive me... but I have fun getting a little attention from this guy. It makes me feel like someone out there see's me as something other then a mom, a really young mom, and something to take issues out on."

I think you are blinding yourself to an important fact I and other posters have tried to point out to you, however.

This guy is a complete POS...he KNOWS you are M yet he keeps pursuing you.

This makes him an utter piece if filth and a disgusting excuse for a man.

If you were a single mom and completely unattached, there would be no issue with his interest, and you would be entitled to feel flattered at his attentions and interested to see what possibilities there might be there.

The fact that he shows no care for the fact you are in a committed relationship should be setting off alarm bells in YOUR head as to what type of guy this sh*tbag really is.

If you had a M friend or relative who was being openly pursued by some weasel who obviously had no respect for the fact she was M, what opinion who you have on that?...what advice would you give her about the predator?


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## Growapair (Sep 19, 2013)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Oh my goodness. Where to start? I left my computer for a couple of hours and now I have a lot to catch up on. On a side note: I highly recommend a long run in the woods with ear buds blaring music. I ran for an hour straight today just trying to process this. Highly therapeutic. =)
> 
> Do I want to cheat and will I cheat are actually two different things. Do I WANT to? Honestly? Yes. WILL I cheat? More than likely no. I'm just one of those people that can't do a really bad thing when push comes to shove. I know there are people here who probably think I'm lying through my teeth. I get that. But if any of you knew me in real life you would know that I'm probably one of the most faithful friends you would ever have. I have everyone's best interest at heart.
> This is going to sound terrible....forgive me... but I have fun getting a little attention from this guy. It makes me feel like someone out there see's me as something other then a mom, a really young mom, and something to take issues out on. Like I said in my earlier post that when I feel like I'm sitting in class and I say something a little too flirty I will pull out my phone and start showing him pictures of my kids and husband. It's how I stay grounded. I talk about my husband to him. I say things like "Yeah, my husband also likes that" or I've told him how my husband and I met. The other man doesn't come on too strong. We hit it off as good friends but I'm not one of those that thinks men and women can be good friends only.
> ...


Uh oh… We are heading straight for creepy town. Grab your popcorn folks; things are going to get interesting! 

Here is my assessment of your predicament. He has something you want/need/desire which is his attention. You have something he wants/desires(he probably doesn’t NEED it), piece of that a$$. 

When you’re single you trade one for the other, everybody wins, at least in the beginning. He flirts with you, showers you with compliments, takes you out to nice places, all in the hopes of Bow Chicka Wow Wow! 

When you are married the process doesn’t change, not at all! He is still offering his attention and compliments for a chance of Bow Chicka Wow Wow. But this time, when you cave and fall for it, the ramifications and the consequences are astronomical. These consequences can destroy your future and the future of the people you care about. 

Now, I suspect that you are willing to trade your goods for his services. All the signs point to it. You are very close! You have arrived at the market place with your goods all packaged very nicely. You have made them look very desirable (You do try to look very nice for him when you go to school, don’t you? Don’t lie!). 

You have done a quick market analysis at your school and determined that it is a sellers market (plenty of girls offering the same goods). You are also a bit worried about the time value of your goods (will another guy be interested in the future when I’m older). You’re conscious about the current market value of your goods (I have three kids, I’m I desirable) All in the hopes of closing the deal and striking while the iron is hot (while he’s still interested). 

The only thing stopping you for now is your half assed commitment to your husband. But, the more desirable his services become (more attention, more compliments), or the more saturated the market becomes (a pretty girl from his Anatomy and Physiology 101 class comes into the picture), the more irrelevant your husband becomes. 

Guess what happens after that… Oh yeah, Bow Chicka Wow Wow… 

In your face dad, see, my MBA is valuable!


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Growapair said:


> Uh oh… We are heading straight for creepy town. Grab your popcorn folks; things are going to get interesting!
> 
> Here is my assessment of your predicament. He has something you want/need/desire which is his attention. You have something he wants/desires(he probably doesn’t NEED it), piece of that a$$.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Wow the creep factor is there alright, but certainly not surprising. Having this guy tight with hubby would accomplish 2 things. 1) It would give her easier access to him and 2) It would result in hubby letting his guard down. The scary part is the OP is so far gone that she needs the OM in her life now at any cost. These are not the actions of a married mother committed to her husband and her children. She can't even say for sure that she won't cheat. Instead, she is "most likely" not going to. Pffttt! This entire thread is dripping with her loyalty and love for her husband right?

>>I never thought of myself as a cheating type of person. In real life I am very, very loyal person. <<

Sorry but I see no indication anywhere that this is the type of person you are. If you are truly loyal and true, cut ties with this guy and get him out of your head so the temptation to cheat will be gone. Put your money where your mouth is.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Growapair said:


> Uh oh… We are heading straight for creepy town. Grab your popcorn folks; things are going to get interesting!


[URL="[/URL]

(Stole this avatar from CharlieParker--have to give him due credit!)


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

CoastGirl9 said:


> Ready for the weird part? I really wanted my husband to meet him. I felt like they would hit it off well too. Where this is coming from? I have no idea.


Oh puh-leeze Coast Girl!

Search this forum for the threads where the husband caught the wife b*nging a good friend -- they are the most heartbreaking of all!

No doubt your hubs and this male nurse (I know, not a nurse) would hit it off, have lots in common, and develop a friendship.

Then what? Do you feel even more special because both guys want to do you? And you'll end up doing both of them. I don't care how "loyal" of a person you are in real life, your loyalty is not to your husband right now with these thoughts you're having.

You are treading in VERY dangerous water...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> BTW we hardly ever have the other side of these stories. Don't see why people have the need to constantly speculate and 2nd guess an OPs story.


Everything here is speculation and 2nd guessing.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

Ugh. You remind me so much of my wayward.

It's the same rationalization, the same mindset, and you even want them to meet? Know what? I was introduced to the OM. She thought we'd have a lot in common. Needless to say, I'm thrilled she was so _loyal_ and _thinking of me_, just as you are _loyal_ and _thinking of your husband_. I'd love to meet the guy again...

Eh, cut this guy out of your life and change your mindset, or be a cheater. It's no skin off my back, but if you're not a troll, you've been well-informed about the territory in which you are treading.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Cabsy said:


> Ugh. You remind me so much of my wayward.
> 
> It's the same rationalization, the same mindset, and you even want them to meet? Know what? I was introduced to the OM. She thought we'd have a lot in common. Needless to say, I'm thrilled she was so _loyal_ and _thinking of me_, just as you are _loyal_ and _thinking of your husband_. I'd love to meet the guy again...


:iagree::iagree: This makes me have flash backs of my WW's APs. One was a former neighbor and "friend" of mine (I thought he was but now see the truth and he was a "friender" alright, and with a wife and kid). The other I never met, but she tried to get me hired at his company and I talked to him on the phone a few times. I now feel like a fool as they both were just trying to get us closer to where he lived (her admission after exposed) and I don't think he ever even tried to help me get hired on (we are in the same line of work, so she said we had so much in common, he was an old BF too, with a wife and 3 kids). I feel like I had been kicked in the groin by King Kong after finding this out. I would like to meet him for sure, but he doesn't have the guts and has said so (of course, the then insulted me after saying so and quickly hung up. Nice, huh?).


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## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Just out of curiosity, which is worse assuming that it happens;
> her cheating on him or him abusing her? I get the impression her interest in the other man overshadows his purported abuse of her. Ya, I know they are both bad but equally so? I guess my question is would you rather have your spouse verbally and physically abuse you or cheat on you.
> Anybody feel froggy enough to jump on this one.


Well, I consider cheating as a form of abuse, the emotional kind and far worse than verbal. 
I would consider anyway physical abuse a worse and bigger issue.
And that's the point... If you had a _really_ abusive husband and a crush on someone else would you rather talk about the former or the latter as the more urgent of your problems?
That's why, as a gut feeling and without wanting to minimize what the OP said, I'm under the impression the the abusiveness here gets to be a little inflated for justification of OP's waywardness...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

italianjob said:


> That's why, as a gut feeling and without wanting to minimize what the OP said, I'm under the impression the the abusiveness here gets to be a little inflated for justification of OP's waywardness...


:iagree:

I'm sick and tired of people immediately jumping on the abuse bandwagon all the time. Do people argue? Yes. Do sometimes people say things that they regret during the heat of an argument? Of course they do. That's why it's called an argument.

You might as well call parents who spank their children, child abusers, and people who take more than two drinks of alcohol, alcoholics. 

And the thought about introducing the OM to the BH? Very common cheater fantasy. The cheater wants the OM/OW to be friends with their BH/BW. It's to minimize their guilt over the affair. The fact that the OP has this fantasy already seems to indicate to me that she's already deep in the EA. 

An EA is just a PA that has not happened yet. It's cheating pure and simple.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Everything here is speculation and 2nd guessing.


not necessarily. depends how one approaches it. I'm just of the opinion that asking the OP some questions about their spouse and/or situation is fine. But I think in this thread, as sometimes occurrs in others, there is too much pure speculation on just how fair or unfair an OP's depiction of their spouse really is. It gets to the point of there being no way of knowing. IMO just makes more sense at that point to base comments and advice on what the OP has said, not what they might not be saying, what they might have exaggerated etc.

but if you don't agree save your energy. 'cause now I'm gonna address the question you posed on which is worse, abuse or infidelity.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Just out of curiosity, which is worse assuming that it happens;
> her cheating on him or him abusing her? I get the impression her interest in the other man overshadows his purported abuse of her. Ya, I know they are both bad but equally so? I guess my question is would you rather have your spouse verbally and physically abuse you or cheat on you.
> Anybody feel froggy enough to jump on this one.


thanks. I'll be glad to settle this one once and for all.
:lol:

generally speaking (not basing on this case alone) it is a tie. being cheated on is humiliating. being physically and verbally abused is humiliating (i.e. I think the humiliation involved is usually the most serious effect, as opposed to physical injury etc.). I consider them both marriage deal breakers.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Jambri said:


> *I am well aware of what emotional abuse is*. She claims verbal AND physical. It seems to me many have picked up on the claims of physical abuse and ran with it. Sorry but I am still not sold on him being a physical abuser. Nobody here knows if he picked her up and threw her into the wall or if he grabbed her shoulders and stood her up as an attention-getter. Neither is the right thing to do but one is far less egregious than the other and she really never elaborated.
> 
> As far as speculating and second guessing, there are many scenarios on this site that are cut and dried and easy to offer advice on. Cheating on a partner, whether physical or emotional, heavy drinking or drug use, trouble with the law, etc. This guy has done none of those things and as a matter of fact in her own words she has only said that he "called her names" when they fought and even said afterward that he is the most perfect husband in every other aspect of their life. Now if she wants to "shut down her marriage" over that then that is her choice but I will continue to speculate that there is more to it than that, especially since she is coming forward with his "abusive" behavior (which only happens when they fight) right on the heels of meeting her new Don Juan (of whom she admits she flirts with).
> 
> BTW, I would love to know how many people calling for her to divorce this guy have ever called their SO a choice name or two in the midst of an argument.



Jambri:

(see bolded) OK, what is it? not being combative just wondering if you, me and others are talking about the same thing.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Coastgirl...you COMPLETELY misinterpreted what I meant by the other man only wanted one thing...as you took it as if I was saying you had no value. What I meant was that HE is of poor character talking to a married woman...but then again as long you are putting out the "I'm available" sign and keeping testing boundaries, then it's not all him. As you admitted yourself, your husband's behavior seems to be fueling the justificatio for exploring the "what if" scenarios. Do what you gotta do I suppose.

My concern is that you are from a dysfunction background married to a dysfunctional husband and now have a dysfunctional family of your own. Let's say you leap lilypads into the arms of Gi Joe...I GUARANTEE he will be just as dysfunctional as your husband, because dysfunctional people ONLY attract dysfunctional people...like flies to poop.

Step back. Make your choices. Get healthy (mentally and emotionally) in order to make healthy decision, and thus be able to attract healthy people in your life.


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## AwfullyGuilty (Oct 29, 2012)

Whatever you do, do not cheat! It is not worth it...Even though it may start as a romantic movie, it usually ends as a night mare. I married young my first BF just like you did and when things were bad, I did my mistake and cheated. That's why I know that no matter what you do - don't do anything with OM while married.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

CoastGirl9,
Save these posts you've made...some day you are going to see what a self proclaimed "idiot" you are...my ex-wife had the same stupid idea of introducing me to one of her male "friends"...to this day, my ex-wife still wants me back...someday you'll want your husband back and these posts will haunt you...


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

I'm thinking either troll, or she didn't like the advice she was given


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

I think there are a lot of people out there like CoastGirl9 who have the attitude: "I didn't get to do XYZ. This is what everybody does. I should get to do this too."

And I think it's going to be worse for her because she chose to be a nurse -- one of the professions KNOWN for promiscuity. "Normal" behavior among her colleagues is a bit more sexually liberal than it is among the rest of the population.

But, getting back to my main point of the whole "I want to do XYZ too" attitude... That's not really how life works. First off, all of this partying, "zero responsibility" lifestyle that we push on college students is a crock of ****. You are ALWAYS responsible for what you do. You can have sex with one person once and pick up HIV. Or get pregnant. Or sleep with the wrong person and damage a relationship. And you are always responsible for your grades.

You really are NOT missing much. Just the weekend morning Walk of Shame.

Second, LOVE is NOT about romance. Hollywood teaches us that it is. Big shock: they are wrong. Look at the divorce rate over there and ask yourself if that's really where you want to go for relationship ideas. Love is about caring for somebody through the bad and the good. Love is what you've experienced with your husband, but are now turning your back on.

But there is one valid point here. If you've never been on a date you need to tell your husband "I am missing this. I want this to happen. I need occasional romance in my life. Don't take me for granted. Now take me out for a quiet dinner... away from the kids."


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## lostmyreligion (Oct 18, 2013)

NoRush said:


> But there is one valid point here. If you've never been on a date you need to tell your husband "I am missing this. I want this to happen. I need occasional romance in my life. Don't take me for granted. Now take me out for a quiet dinner... away from the kids."


:iagree: From personal experience I can tell you that this works. 
It only took my wife asking this three or four times before I figured out that this was preventative marital maintenance that I needed to do on a regular basis and started asking her without being prompted. 

You probably think that because you two are all each other have ever had, he should be able to read your mind.

He can't. But he can be taught. Hopefully he won't be as slow as I was. But we're men. I wouldn't bet on it and that shouldn't stop you from persevering.

I think you'll both be pleasantly surprised about the person(s) you both thought you knew. 

The thought here being that it will (re)ignite a fire bright enough to burn away the fog you currently find yourself in.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

I have the distinct feeling that this is not going to end well.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

:iagree: If it's real (a fairly big if) it's a train wreck happening in slow motion. We may or may not hear about the aftermath.


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Wow...well I thought I would come back (if anyone remembers this post) and give an update. Quite a bit has happened.

Contrary to what others strongly believe, I did NOT end up having an affair. This might ruffle a few feathers but this is what honestly has happened.

This man and I became even closer friends. I realized the closer I was as a friend to this guy the more I learned about him and the less attracted I became. I really feel like before "coming to my senses" my imagination took over and my feelings followed. One of my classes he was in had a night where they invited spouses to join in for a class discussion. This man decided to not come. My husband did come and was expecting to see this guy but after a LONG talk with me he felt a little more at peace with it. Well while we all were sitting there waiting for the professor to walk in the other man unexpectedly shows up. I said "Oh I thought you weren't coming" and he said he could only stay for a minute. In that minute he said hi to a few people and came over, introduced himself to my husband and shook his hand. (The only person in the room he shook hands with) Then he left. My husband actually seemed VERY relieved after this. I felt relieved for some reason too.

The next day the other guy and I were texting (I know its a no-no. Just bare with me). I told him that I was afraid our friendship was inappropriate and I asked him if he felt the same. He first asked if my husband knew how much we talked and if he was okay with it. He then went on to say that a few years ago he was in a serious relationship and his girlfriend cheated with another man while he was deployed. He said that he didn't want to cause any strife in my marriage or make my husband feel the way he did by his girlfriend. He said while he still wants to be friends that he doesn't want to do anything that would make my husband uncomfortable. Not much of anything has happened since that day. 

I'm not sure how to feel. My husband and I had a very rough weekend last week. This weekend wasn't so bad. I guess we will just take it one day at a time.

(Sorry if my grammar/spelling are bad tonight. I've been up for about 24hrs straight with a teething baby and feel VERY out of it)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Has your husband ever had counselling to address the damage he was caused?


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Do you mean damage he was caused by his life? (Not sure if you read it but I had posted on here that my husband had a very abusive childhood and that has contributed to his behavior towards me)

Or 

For the damage I caused him? This all just started happening within the last month so not much time yet for counseling.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

CoastGirl, I'm not here to judge or to bash for the sake of it (in fact I'd like to appreciate your honesty and stopping the A before it went further e.g. physicall).

However an unbiased reading of your story can be summarised as following:" I hit it off with the guy and was considering dating him. However when I knew him more I didn't find him that attractive and I've changed my mind). 

Your H would arguably say 'what would have happened if this guy was slightly more attractive?'. Please be assured this is not to criticise you but perhaps to provide little assistance in - as you put it - finding yourself....
Which besides - as others posted here and as it was proved by many cases - is as significant symptom of affair as 'I love you but not in love with you' message.

Hth

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## CoastGirl9 (Jul 9, 2014)

Turin74- I totally understand what you are saying. I wondered if that is how I would come across when I was typing that.

What I meant by "The more I got to know him the less I liked him" what just that. Nothing really more. If I got to know him better and liked him even more then yes, it probably would of been more hard to put a stop to things but I just felt a gradual decline in my attraction towards him before I started seeing his flaws. I've had many, many people on here try to tell me otherwise but I really am the type of person that when push comes to shove I cannot do a bad thing. 

This whole situation has been eating at me since the beginning. This may sound selfish but I just couldn't keep going thinking how much I would severely damage myself. I don't want to be "that" women who has no dignity.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Whatever you do, do not have an affair with this guy. *Does he even realize that you are married with 3 children? Most young, single men will not date a woman with 3 children for very good reasons.*
> 
> You are very close to having an EA right now as it is. Don't make more bad decisions. Fix your marriage or get out of it first.
> 
> Start by going to a counselor who specializes in abuse.


Maybe he does realize and what she does not realize is that there are plenty of men out there willing and eager to have sex with attractive married women but they don't want any sort of commitment with them and much less take care of their kids.

It seems that OP have lived in a protected enviroment from her childhood home to her marital home, and she does not realize that dating and men are not all sweet, good, dreamy and and that there is a reason out there of why there are a lot of single mothers.

OP there are a lot of women out there, who deal with wife beaters, drug addicts, compulsive gamblers, alcoholics, serial cheaters, if your husband is devoted, hadworking, commited to his family and willing to work in the realtionship you should consider yourself between the lucky ones.

I read in your comments that he was abusive, I don't want you to stay in an abusive realtionship, but I advice you to review honestly your definition of abusive relationship, is common for couples to fight but if you are describing your relationship as an abusive one to justify your attraction and communication with other men, `please be carefull, be aware that there are not pefect relationships where couples live in blissful happiness and perpetual armony all the time of their lives, if you are looking for "happily ever after" of disney out there, it does not exist, good relationships need commitment, work, support and understandig of both parts, take it from a 32 years old single man who have dated alot .......................alot and is tired of it even we men have biological clocks


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

Coast Girl,

I really appreciate and respect the way you responded.
Couple of observations if I may:
Yes, we can see only what we read here. It is my opinion many posters there suffer (literally) from inability to structure a trusted communication here (and often in their marriage as well). So what are you communicating is."yes, I was attracted to the guy before I got to know him closer, but even if kept being attracted nothing would have happened because I'm not likenthat". You know what - I belive you. The issue is that you are basically acknowledging you are down to your last line of defence. This is the very slippery slope, your defence won't hold (an abc of military defence tactics - if you are on your lasting of defence for any prolongued time the battle is lost). So don't stay on it. If that is what you want - climb back (save your marriage). Or, as I'm with manticore here, if your relationship is no good (again comms issue - is it?) go sideways and end it. Just don't stay because you'll slide down and - as you put it - loose everything.

Las thing - many posters here do have a problem in that department (communicating in a trusted way in an untrusted context - be it this forum or the marriage. How much does your H trust you now, btw?).
Don't want to write a lecture here, but there some nice simple models around. My suggestion is to try to improve this.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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