# Conflicts with baby daddy



## dippitydee

Hi all. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. I have some pretty big issues going on in my life with baby daddy. We aren't married, he has another child with a woman whom he basically had a one night stand with. Anyhow, me and him now have an 8 month old baby boy together. Basically he is never around, when he works its 12 hour shifts, when hes not working he is gone all day fishing or doing whatever he wants. He gets his little girl on occasion, basically when he has no other plans he will get her. He has left her there with me several times to go fishing. He doesn't ask if I mind keeping her and several times has left her there without telling me. For instance, I got up one morning only to find her sitting on the couch eating chips and had a whole gallon of milk out! She is three. He never asked or told me he was leaving her with me and I had plans that day. 

He doesn't help around the house, he doesn't help with our son. He is not respectful of me or him. He is constantly waking him up because he is so loud. To be honest we don't have a relationship. We don't do anything together, we don't share the same bed, he vaguely listens to me talk doesn't seem to care about my concerns or just me in general. 

I don't want to be with him anymore then he wants to be with me apparently, however I do not want to leave and have my son subjected to what his little girl is subjected too. He takes her fishing with him ALL day, he says she barely talks to him and she sleeps mostly on the boat. 

I am in a pickle I think, because I want the best for my child, but I do not want him with his dad because he is not trustworthy, attentive or stable. I do want him to have a relationship with his dad but I just wish his dad was a different person! 

I work only part time and really cant provide a decent up bringing for my son alone and I do not want to work full time and let someone else raise my kid for me. I know sometimes you have to do things you don't want too but I am at my wits in with this man. 

In my opinion he only wants me there to keep from having to pay child support and so he can see his child, he went through a lot with this other woman getting to see his little girl, which he barely sees anyhow so I cannot figure out why he acted like it was such a big deal when we were dating. 

I have never been as disrespected or treated so horribly by anyone in my life, as he has treated me. I was going through a divorce and having a hard time standing on my two feet when we met and I guess I just didn't want to be alone so I stuck by him. He threw me out of his home several times, for reasons unknown to me, other then he thought I was cheating. Which I wasn't. He has lied to me about things with is ex, the one he has the baby with, his ex has stolen my clothes, trash talked me and my child and I am still supposed to want to help raise their daughter?? 

I'm sorry if I have extreme resentment towards both of them as well as animosity. Its hard for me to even want to be around the little girl, even though shes not at fault and she is a sweet little girl. I am just having a hard time dealing with all the craziness. Some advice is much appreciated. I know everyone will say I need to leave him, but I just don't think I can send my son off to stay with him without my supervision!!


----------



## happy as a clam

I don't mean to be judgmental and I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I have a problem from the get-go with the pejorative term "baby daddy." It's like giving him a free-pass to be a slouch by assigning him a slacker label. 

If you really only view him as a baby daddy, well, then it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy and that's about all you're gonna get out of him -- the behavior of a baby daddy. One who abandons his kids to pursue his own selfish activities all day, like fishing. Dumping the kids on you, using you to avoid child support payments (btw, that is total loser behavior), disrespecting you and mistreating you.

*Force him to become a "father"* by booting him out; then take his a$$ to court and demand child support payments. This man is no "father." Let a judge slap him around a bit in court and make him realize his responsibilities to his children.



dippitydee said:


> I know everyone will say I need to leave him, but I just don't think I can send my son off to stay with him without my supervision!!


I hardly think he will be clamoring to be with your son any more than he (rarely) sees his daughter. Besides, you should have no trouble convincing a judge that a fishing boat is no place for an 8-month old to spend the day.


----------



## DoF

I see SO many mistakes....where to start.

First, you said you were going thru a divorce when you 2 met? What a HUGE mistake. You hardly ended one relationship....didn't take time to heal/regroup....and jumped right into another....with the worst person possible. Hope you learn from this. Huge mistake on your part.

Second, you had a child with this guy without taking time to get to know him? Sad, really sad. Self inflicted pain #2. Next time you meet someone, put your private part drives to the sides and take time to get to know the person/take it slow. As a woman (or man)....jumping into intimacy too early = blindness and you end up missing important red flags.

Third, you allow this guy to be who he is today by living/staying with him. He loves this. You do all the work, he comes as he pleases. Put yourself in his shoes. Don't get me wrong, for sure he seems/is ****ty....but YOU enabled him to be that person.

Forth, you still seem to be in love with the idea what he CAN be vs who he actually is. This is your brain playing tricks on you.

My advice. 

It's time to make a change. Think about exactly what it is that you want from a partner. Accept him for who he is and end this thing you have (notice I didn't say relationship, cause it's NOT that). Tell him to leave and start taking steps to rely on yourself and yourself only. Meanwhile you can start the process to get assistance/child support. 

DO NOT deny him of his children by all means, if he wants to be involved/good father......let him, but let him take steps to do that (don't force it down his throat). Let's face it, even if you were to tell him to do it.....and even if he actually did it.....it would still not feel right or be honest, it's simply not who he is.

Accept your mistakes and have a lessons learned log that you read and review on daily basis. What you have done is pretty severe, your kids now have a ****ty father figure (figure which is EXTREMELY important in a child life).....and now you are on your own.

I do want you to know that ALL of the above is OK. 

Remember, what happens is irrelevant, how you deal with it is what really matters. Move on from this (don't dwell on it) and come out a better person at the end of the day.

Once you end this thing you have, take GOOD 6 months to a year to clear your head and heal. No interaction/relations with any opposite sex. Go visit your family/friends....clear your mind.

Down the road, you can start thinking about relationship. I just hope you are prepared to be disappointed. Pool of men that you REALLY want is VERY limited, but don't give up, they are out there. TAKE YOUR TIME, read some relationship books etc to make you stronger while dating/getting to know a man.

Remember, it takes MONTHS to really know someone and for first 2 years you do NOT make any big life decisions (we call this honeymoon period). When 2 year mark ends, if the sparks are still flying, that's a good indicator that relationship will flourish and be successful down the road.

Good luck


----------



## dippitydee

Thank you for your advice, and I am aware it is all bad decision making on my part. I feel bad about it daily the mistakes that I have made. That's why I am here asking for advice, because I obviously haven't been making good decisions in my life. I cried for months on end when I found out I was pregnant because I did not want a life with this man anymore and I was aware of that. I simply felt sorry for him, basically because of his situation with not seeing his little girl, big mistake there, and I let myself get taken advantage of. 

However, I want the absolute best for my son. I lived in a home with my mother and my father growing up and I wanted my son to have both mother and father as well under one roof. I have known him for 3 years and only the last year has his shady personality shone through. 

The reason why this is a dilemma is he is never at the house, so really it's usually just me and my son, which is awesome. Meaning I don't have to work full time, I get to see my son a lot. As well as I don't have to worry about him not watching my son/giving him any attention as I would if we were separated. 

I have seen him blast music as loud as it possibly can go while his daughter was merely three to four feet away, sleeping. I have caught him sleeping while she ran around unattended at his home. I have seen him let her sleep with the dog on his dog bed. I have seen and caught him driving while drinking and operating his boat. 

I don't want my son to ever be put in that position. I care more for my son then anyone and I am prepared to have a crappy life to save him from getting hurt/crying himself to sleep etc...if his dad has anything to do with him. I can tell the judge all these things but it's only my word, I have no proof. 

I know he doesn't have a lot of contact with his little girl, but this is a boy, he is all about wanting him to be just like him, obviously not going to happen so I think he would try harder to see him which is great if I knew and trusted he was actually being taken care of.


----------



## PBear

My advice. Get out. Move back in with your parents or whatever you need to do to support yourself. Fight as hard as you can for custody and support. But one healthy parent is better than two miserable or absent parents.

C


----------



## dippitydee

I don't sponge off of the system, I work part time, because he provides a home and pays the home bills. We live together. Thanks.


----------



## dippitydee

Didn't realize people are so quick to judge. Sorry for the misleading information, have never been on welfare, and certainly am glad it is there for people to use if its not abused. Didn't come to this forum to get trashed only helpful advice.


----------



## ConanHub

What you want.... A good life with a good husband and father of your children.

What you went out and got..... A cheap lay from an absolute idiot loser and an innocent child.

You do need to get away from this moron that somehow causes radical stupidity in women to have unprotected sex with him.

You need to do what it takes to start over and rebuild yourself. You are putting your fantasy over your reality and it does not fit.

I know many young women in your shoes. He is not going to change for you. He is already lining up his next brain dead victim to impregnate.

You and your son would be far better off without captain "baby daddy" in your lives.

It will be hard work but that is what happens when you screw up as big as you did and you want to set things right.

You kissed a toad and got warts. Stop thinking he will ever change. Guys like this are so incredibly self centered that they don't even care about the lives they help bring into the world. Guys like him make me furious but women like you do too.

Stop being a mental cripple. Leave your toad and maybe you will eventually find something resembling a man.

It won't happen till you start working on you.

Best wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustTired

dippitydee,

You knowingly procreated with a guy that is incapable of being a responsible parent. I get that you want your son to grow up in a 2 parent household, but the truth of the matter is that your home will never be a 2 parent household. You are the only person doing all of the parenting!

It doesn't seem like either of you are happy in the relationship, just going through the motions & staying in the status quo. You are at a point in your life where you have to make a quality of life decision. Can you actually live like this for the rest of your life?

You say that you don't want to put your child in daycare because you don't want someone else _raising_ your child. How do you propose to support yourself & your child then? Child support can only go so far; Trust me, it will never be enough as a custodial parent.

So.....you got 2 options:

- Stay in this dysfunction. Your son will grow up watching his father treat his mom not so nice. Your son will most likely model the behavior he has grown up watching. He will grow up with unhealthy relationship images.

- Leave & create a better life for you & your son. This may entail you needing to work full time & put your son in daycare. There are plus sides to daycare; he will socialize with other kids, learn to adjust to changes. You will show your son that bad behavior has consequences, that mommy is strong & independent, & mommy loves him enough to leave when things aren't healthy.

I am a working mom & have a 3.5 year old daughter. My daughter has been in daycare since she was 3 months old when I went back to work. She KNOWS who her mom & dad are, and no the daycare center is not raising my child for me. Morals & values come from home NOT daycare.

Your son is still very young & won't have to really do any major adjusting. So if you are going to leave, the time is NOW. Also, make sure you consult with a family law lawyer before you leave your BF. You want to make sure you have all of your ducks in a row when it comes to custody issues & child support. Most lawyers do a free initial consultation, go see a few of them to make sure you are well informed.

If your situation is really that bad, you will do what you have to do in order to leave. Even if it means that you need a full time job & daycare for your son. Otherwise, just stay & stick with the status quo.


----------



## dippitydee

Thanks for the criticism and constant badgering about the bad decision making, but my only real worry is the father getting a good bit of visitations with our son. Has anyone been through similar circumstances and what does it take to get primary custody and/or supervised visitations...without having to consult an attorney, just general advice here is helpful.


----------



## dippitydee

@ conanhub...some of your advice was helpful, although...unsure of why a woman like me, kind, caring, god fearing, intelligent, determined, strong willed, would infuriate or make anyone furious. Especially when you know nothing of me, other then a paragraph I have written of an unfortunate accident that has caused me a great deal of happiness, my son.


----------



## PBear

dippitydee said:


> Thanks for the criticism and constant badgering about the bad decision making, but my only real worry is the father getting a good bit of visitations with our son. Has anyone been through similar circumstances and what does it take to get primary custody and/or supervised visitations...without having to consult an attorney, just general advice here is helpful.


The "standard" (assuming both parents want custody) is 50/50. So unless there's a really good reason, you should expect that. Being a "bad parent" is probably (unfortunately) not a good enough reason. Unless he's doing drugs, is abusive, etc, he's likely to get significant time with his son.

C


----------



## dippitydee

To clarify as well, we were a couple. He WAS a much better partner then he is today. I am not a psychic and didn't foresee his disappearing act in our future...he is active military and was a much different person when he came back from deployment.


----------



## ConanHub

You have to show proof that there is good cause for no unsupervised visitation. For example, several mental illnesses count. Also alcoholism and drug abuse. 

His habit of leaving his child unattended and unsupervised, what if you didn't wake up in time and his daughter had drank poison or burned the house down.

Start writing everything down. Also, you can probably get some free initial counseling from a family lawyer.

My criticism was for you to work on you. Like I said, your situation is far from unique and I have seen many young women waste years hoping their loser becomes a prince. One I know became depressed and started using meth. She nearly lost her child is in rehab now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dippitydee

Thanks PBear that's exactly what I was afraid of.


----------



## JustTired

dippitydee said:


> Thanks for the criticism and constant badgering about the bad decision making, but my only real worry is the father getting a good bit of visitations with our son. Has anyone been through similar circumstances and what does it take to get primary custody and/or supervised visitations...without having to consult an attorney, just general advice here is helpful.


I still think you should consult with an attorney just for information. A bunch of people over the internet can only tell you general things.

But one example of a single mom that has sole physical custody & the father has every other weekend is my sister. My sister's visitation schedule with my niece's father has been established through the courts. I recommend you do the same. I could write a book at the nonsense my sister has gone through with my niece's father.


----------



## ConanHub

dippitydee said:


> @ conanhub...some of your advice was helpful, although...unsure of why a woman like me, kind, caring, god fearing, intelligent, determined, strong willed, would infuriate or make anyone furious. Especially when you know nothing of me, other then a paragraph I have written of an unfortunate accident that has caused me a great deal of happiness, my son.


The warning signs for guys like this are always there but young women often fail to see them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dippitydee

Thanks Conan...have wrote several things down already. It's just a shame what people put others through! I don't understand how hard it is for a man to be a father and a boyfriend/husband. The needs aren't many, simply put your family before yourself, how hard is that?


----------



## PBear

Keep in mind that whether you stay with him or not, he WILL be an influence in your child's life. And as long as you're stuck with him, he's unlikely to have any better of a father figure.

C


----------



## dippitydee

Well he currently gets 4 days with his little girl every week, if he picks her up, which he does not. He generally sees her once a month if that.


----------



## dippitydee

I agree PBear would rather my son have a father who is not biological but is great to him then have a father, biological who is a dead beat.


----------



## PBear

dippitydee said:


> Well he currently gets 4 days with his little girl every week, if he picks her up, which he does not. He generally sees her once a month if that.


He sounds like more and more of a winner all the time... And on that one day a month, he often dumps her on you?

Is he current on his child support? Are you able to support yourself?

C


----------



## ConanHub

P.S. My wife went through something similar before meeting me. She got full custody with supervised visits all determined by her.

I've just seen too many good, yes I think your good and worth more than you have allowed, young women make extremely stupid decisions despite many good advisors telling them otherwise.

Mark my words, you will probably not be the last link in this chain.

Guys like him usually take something life shattering to change or destroy themselves eventually, dragging some with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dippitydee

Yes he pays his child support, he has a great job and does work often.


----------



## ConanHub

dippitydee said:


> Thanks Conan...have wrote several things down already. It's just a shame what people put others through! I don't understand how hard it is for a man to be a father and a boyfriend/husband. The needs aren't many, simply put your family before yourself, how hard is that?


I agree. My wife was like you when I met her. Her divorce was final and she had grown a lot and started making better choices. I was one of the good choices.&#55357;&#56842; We have over 23 years together, 19 married .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dippitydee

ConanHub said:


> I agree. My wife was like you when I met her. Her divorce was final and she had grown a lot and started making better choices. I was one of the good choices.�� We have over 23 years together, 19 married .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's awesome! I love to hear about good marriages! I was with my ex husband from age 19 to 30 went from controlling spouse to buffoon only wish I would have better luck this second time around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub

dippitydee said:


> That's awesome! I love to hear about good marriages! I was with my ex husband from age 19 to 30 went from controlling spouse to buffoon only wish I would have better luck this second time around.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It happens. My wife was 31 with a 3 year old boy. He is 26 now and we added another boy who is now 19.

She had to change and adapt her views of life before we met though or I. might have passed her by.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrsVain

I am super sorry that you are in this position. it is sad when the man cant be a real man and tricks you into believing he was. {congratulations on your baby btw} 

i believe you were with this guy for a good enough time but he ended up tricking you the whole time. unfortunately by the time he was showing his true colors you were probably already knocked up. i do wish people would take birth control more seriously, but let me tell you i have been in your place so i am not bashing you.

if you can stay were you are at for a while being as he is hardly ever home anyways while you get your ducks in a row. please be ready to leave in the case where he gets physically violate, it wouldnt hurt to have a go-pack where you have all your documents, baby birth certificate, shot records, extra clothes, etc ready to be picked up at a rush out the door if needed. try for something that isnt too too big and you can sling over your shoulder as you run out the door carrying the baby in the car seat. if you have your own vehicle, you can store it in the truck.

in the meantime, you can possibly save some money in a separate account if you can. i am not sure who is paying the bills, but you need to start saving as much as possible before you leave him. i saved 6000 and used it little by little to pay the bills after i kicked my XH out. after the first 4 months, he decided he was not going to pay a single dime of the child support. i also have a job but my pay check does not pay all the rent, utilities, food, etc so having a lot in the savings is literally saving my a$$. yes i can get it court order but that takes time. be prepared that you are going to be the sole support for your child (and take more precautions about having another one with this guy if you are still having sex with him)

second, it might be a good idea to start documenting the times that he is not being a good father to his daughter. i feel sorry for her, and i am willing to bet HER mother doesnt know. you might try talking to the little girls mother, let her know that he leaves her alone or takes her on the boat. then sit back and let that mother take him to court or whatever. meanwhile if you can take pictures, and write dates and times down to use as documentation if and when you have to take HIM to court for your own custody case.

i seriously doubt you are going to get this guy to pay child support after you leave him. you are going to have to go to work full time to support the little one you created {and i believe God gives children as blessings} If you are able to be with your baby's first year count yourself lucky, but you can try to be with your child for as long as you can stand being with this man to do so. again.....only as long as he DOES NOT HURT or harm you or the baby. 

i kept waiting and waiting and waiting for my XH to snap. to be the man i THOUGHT he could be and the one he would show me every once in a while. i took care of everything...house, yard, vehicles, bills, food, children, schools, etc...while all he did was go to work, stay out all night drinking, not give me enough money to pay bills, and finally cheated on me one too many times. they never change. what you see now, is what you are going to get. in fact, it wouldnt surprise me if he gets worse.

please take care


----------



## MrsVain

ConanHub said:


> Guys like him usually take something life shattering to change or destroy themselves eventually, dragging some with them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


there are some guys like this that NEVER change. no matter how many children and broken women they leave behind them. unfortunately good women get tricked into believing they are good men. they are very good liars, manipulators, deceivers.


----------



## toonaive

happy as a clam said:


> I don't mean to be judgmental and I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I have a problem from the get-go with the pejorative term "baby daddy." It's like giving him a free-pass to be a slouch by assigning him a slacker label.
> 
> If you really only view him as a baby daddy, well, then it's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy and that's about all you're gonna get out of him -- the behavior of a baby daddy. One who abandons his kids to pursue his own selfish activities all day, like fishing. Dumping the kids on you, using you to avoid child support payments (btw, that is total loser behavior), disrespecting you and mistreating you.
> 
> *Force him to become a "father"* by booting him out; then take his a$$ to court and demand child support payments. This man is no "father." Let a judge slap him around a bit in court and make him realize his responsibilities to his children.
> 
> 
> 
> I hardly think he will be clamoring to be with your son any more than he (rarely) sees his daughter. Besides, you should have no trouble convincing a judge that a fishing boat is no place for an 8-month old to spend the day.


Absolutely! :iagree:


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I'll keep this short - I agree with a lot of the advice here. 

- he isn't being a parent and you are setting a bad example for your son. Maybe you can get your parents to help with your son so he doesn't have to be in daycare but daycare can be a great place to socialize and play and learn. And you can use your father as a good male role model for him.

- Document. Not just taking notes though a journal can be good. Get a voice recorder. Record some of your conversations about his daughter. Get irrefutable evidence that he doesn't care to see his daughter to the fullest he is allowed. Do you have a good relationship with the girl's mother? Would she testify in court? 

Operating a boat OR a car under the influence is dangerous and against the law. Keeping a child on a boat all day can be done but it's nearly impossible to do alone. I agree that he will not be interested in an infant. Too much work. 

And Call DSS or law enforcement on him if you really feel the little girl isn't safe with him. Don't do it to be mean or make your case - do it if you truly feel it's what's best for that little girl then do it.


----------



## ConanHub

dippitydee said:


> @ conanhub...some of your advice was helpful, although...unsure of why a woman like me, kind, caring, god fearing, intelligent, determined, strong willed, would infuriate or make anyone furious. Especially when you know nothing of me, other then a paragraph I have written of an unfortunate accident that has caused me a great deal of happiness, my son.


I am angry that you made a baby with an idiot. You should have observed this guy for a lot longer than you did and upon realizing what a complete loser he is, stay clear of him.

Instead, you switched off your brain and let him go to work impregnating you.

BTW. I have no idea what being a God fearing woman has to do with having unprotected sex outside of marriage with a moron.

I am furious at young women who give no thought to who they are letting into their bodies and the innocent lives that are a result.

I am angry for the children born into these stupid situations.

I was such a child and have seen many come into the world, finding themselves in a similar situation.

Young women need to consider what the hell they are doing sleeping with morons.

I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't a moron yourself.

Criticism is considered by the wise and wasted on the foolish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobin

ConanHub said:


> I am angry that you made a baby with an idiot. You should have observed this guy for a lot longer than you did and upon realizing what a complete loser he is, stay clear of him.
> 
> Instead, you switched off your brain and let him go to work impregnating you.
> 
> BTW. I have no idea what being a God fearing woman has to do with having unprotected sex outside of marriage with a moron.
> 
> I am furious at young women who give no thought to who they are letting into their bodies and the innocent lives that are a result.
> 
> I am angry for the children born into these stupid situations.
> 
> I was such a child and have seen many come into the world, finding themselves in a similar situation.
> 
> Young women need to consider what the hell they are doing sleeping with morons.
> 
> I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you aren't a moron yourself.
> 
> Criticism is considered by the wise and wasted on the foolish.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you're saying that you don't approve?


----------



## ConanHub

Tobin said:


> So you're saying that you don't approve?


LOL! Whatever do you mean? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

