# Fiancee's Former "Stepchildren" Please I need your opinions : (



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

First of all I will start by saying that my fiancee and I have gone to a counselor about this issue and her advice goes along with my line of thinking...
Here are the facts
I have been in engaged to my fiancee for three months, we plan to be married in December. We have been dating a year and a half.

He was in a long term relationship with a woman with two twin boys. They awere together for 7 years and he raised them from 2 years old. They were broken up a year before him and I met.

Since I have been in the picture she has been difficult. Does not like the children around me, refuses to speak with me, will not allow the children to be out in public with me. She is still in love with my fiancee and has asked to move back in even. 

She sometimes allows him to see them, and other times she doesnt. She yo yos between allowing him to father them and pushing him away.

My fiancee has stopped seeing them often and has stopped being financially responsible for them because her attitude has not changed and because I want her out of our life.

My question is...what do you think about my opinion of him not seeing the children often? They call him dad and love him but...she makes every outing a living hell and has ridiculous rules. Should I support him in supporting them even though this woman actively seeks to tear us apart? Should I allow him to have a relationship with those boys even though she is impossible???
I have a hard time talking to the people in my life about this and I would love to have some opinions..

Thank YOU


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think the issue is really yours, not his. How does your fiance feel about the time he does spend with them? Is he as annoyed with their mother as you are?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Should I allow him


Be careful with statements like this. To allow is to permit. Are you your fiance's equal or his parent?


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

I can see how it is "my problem". But the fact that she is not even respecting him and what he has done for them makes me so angry. She wants to punish him instead of create a healthy situation for us. The children are even aware of her craziness and she involves them in mind games. I feel instead of negotiating with her, we should cut her out until she is ready to participate in a more normal blended family situation.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, I kinda think you should just let him do what he feels is necessary. It's really nothing to do with you. If he feels that his interaction with them is important enough to put up with the exes bull, then you have to just be quiet about it.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

Shouldn't I demand respect? When she says that I am not allowed in public with her children even though she will NOT talk to me..should we just agree for the sake of the kids?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> I can see how it is "my problem". But the fact that she is not even respecting him and what he has done for them makes me so angry. She wants to punish him instead of create a healthy situation for us. The children are even aware of her craziness and she involves them in mind games. I feel instead of negotiating with her, we should cut her out until she is ready to participate in a more normal blended family situation.


I understand you want to protect your fiance from the nonsense, but the fact of the matter is, he's willing to endure it for the relationship with those kids. It's important to him to stay connected to them despite the fact that their mother and he split. 

Because it's important to him, I would do the best I could to keep peace. His feelings would be paramount over whatever that woman could throw at us. Can you do that?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> Shouldn't I demand respect? When she says that I am not allowed in public with her children even though she will NOT talk to me..should we just agree for the sake of the kids?


She can make demands all she wants, she doesn't get to call the shots if the kids are with him. That's the reality of the situation.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Your fiance should be doing that, NOT you. According to what you and he agree to. If he isn't willing to stick up for you against this 'evil ex' then perhaps you should rethink your relationship. You cannot be dictating to him how he interacts with these kids, or with his ex even. You can tell him what you want, and decide together what's appropriate, but it's up to him to execute what you agree on with him.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And no I'm sorry but she doesn't owe YOU specifically anything, including respect. She doesn't have to want to know you or like you as a person. She does need to accept that you are in her ex's life now... that's about it. 

Would it behoove her to get to know you? Sure, I wouldn't want my kids around a woman I didn't know anything about. I'm protective like that when it comes to my kids. She can't see past her and her ex's relationship that ended though, so I wouldn't expect much from her.


----------



## Texas Lady (Jul 18, 2012)

Yes he should definitely have a relationship with the kids and you, my dear, need to encourage that. This has nothing to do with you. I am curious, do you have kids? My thought is no, so you can't begin to understand what this kind of thing can do to kids. From the age of 2, he has been dad to them and that is a big deal! Forget about her or that you can't be with the kids, if he wants to have a relationship with them (and he should) then just stand by him. Be there to listen and support but don't add your own drama to the situation. You don't want him to end all contact and then resent you down the line.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> And no I'm sorry but she doesn't owe YOU specifically anything, including respect. She doesn't have to want to know you or like you as a person. She does need to accept that you are in her ex's life now... that's about it.
> 
> Would it behoove her to get to know you? Sure, I wouldn't want my kids around a woman I didn't know anything about. I'm protective like that when it comes to my kids. She can't see past her and her ex's relationship that ended though, so I wouldn't expect much from her.


Thanks everyone..this really helps. Well thats another problem. I'd say 80% of the time he takes up for me. But there have been times that he hasn't IMO. He has gone months without seeing them and I guess maybe he could have been afraid to upset her. He didnt tell her we were engaged on my request it took like a month and counselor to get him to do it. Is it because he was afraid of retaliation or hurting her..I dont know...


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> Thanks everyone..this really helps. Well thats another problem. I'd say 80% of the time he takes up for me. But there have been times that he hasn't IMO. He has gone months without seeing them and I guess maybe he could have been afraid to upset her. He didnt tell her we were engaged on my request it took like a month and counselor to get him to do it. Is it because he was afraid of retaliation or hurting her..I dont know...


He's in a tough spot. I get it. He has to make nice to see the boys... he has to make nice with you to keep you happy... he's in the middle and probably just wishes everybody would get along for the kids and his sake.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

A friend of mine admitted that when she started dating her husband, the ex wife got so nasty with him that after a couple of years, he has simply given up making the effort to see his daughter.

They were divorced already for several years when my friend met him and she had already run through two or more boyfriends.....but still.

The daughter is now a young adult. But she still hasn't bothered getting in contact with him.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> A friend of mine admitted that when she started dating her husband, the ex wife got so nasty with him that after a couple of years, he has simply given up making the effort to see his daughter.
> 
> They were divorced already for several years when my friend met him and she had already run through two or more boyfriends.....but still.
> 
> The daughter is now a young adult. But she still hasn't bothered getting in contact with him.


The kicker is, these are not his biological children. He has no legal rights. They have a father, and a relationship with the father's family. Yes the dad is a deadbeat...but why should he have to fight to do the right thing? There is not much in it for him anymore. She has started the mind games with them. It is all very toxic. I see how her husband gave up. But maybe he can have a relationship with the daughter minus her mom now.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

fullhour said:


> The kicker is, these are not his biological children. He has no legal rights. They have a father, and a relationship with the father's family. Yes the dad is a deadbeat...but why should he have to fight to do the right thing? There is not much in it for him anymore. She has started the mind games with them. It is all very toxic. I see how her husband gave up. But maybe he can have a relationship with the daughter minus her mom now.


I can understand after playing Dad for 5 years to such young inocent beings that one can become attached. So I can appreciate an ex spouse wanting to continue relations under the circumstances. But yes, I don't think the law should force it on ex step parents especially when the custodial parent is a pain.

I dated a guy briefly who married a woman who had adolescent son when they married. My date told me that the son had confided that his birth father didn't show much interest in him until the mother remarried. My date told me that his ex wife was making every effort to keep him away from her son. In addition to stipulations in splitting, my date said he left a trust fund for the son. so the mother made out rather well.

But the effort to keep them apart was such that he had two cellphones. One with the NY area code and one with the other area code, so that when the ex stepson called him, it would not show up as a long distance call.

I didn't date this guy for too long, so don't know how it turned out.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

They were never married either, so he was not even their stepfather.
I love him alot. I want to be successful in our marriage and work on other differences and this takes over everything. I thought coming in that it was a normal blended family thing. I grew up in a similar situation. My parents were always nice to each other and their spouses.
Then when I saw what I had gotten into, I was sure it would get better. It has not. A year and no progress. I just want this part of his past to go away. I want him to move forward....sounds awful but it's too much.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My date was married to the mother of the child in question.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> The kicker is, these are not his biological children. He has no legal rights. They have a father, and a relationship with the father's family. Yes the dad is a deadbeat...but why should he have to fight to do the right thing? There is not much in it for him anymore. She has started the mind games with them. It is all very toxic. I see how her husband gave up. But maybe he can have a relationship with the daughter minus her mom now.


Bio or not, what does your fiance want to do? That's the bottom line. If he still wants to be around for them in whatever capacity, is that such a bad thing? Regardless of what interfering their mother does, this is about your fiance and his wanting to be there for the kids.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My stepdad's new wife was kinda like this. My mom didn't cause problems, but my stepdad's new wife HATED me (I was 17...raised by him since I was 3.5).

I hated her too. Still do. He's dead and buried (RIP) but she ripped my family apart.

Bio-dad or not, he is their dad. My bio dad was a drug addict. My stepdad was my dad. He was awesome, even AFTER he and my mom divorced when I was 12. Then....his wife came along. What a betch.

I dated a man with a child...his ex-wife was INSANE. I had to break it off.

You may have to break it off. Drama is SO overrated.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Bio or not, what does your fiance want to do? That's the bottom line. If he still wants to be around for them in whatever capacity, is that such a bad thing? Regardless of what interfering their mother does, this is about your fiance and his wanting to be there for the kids.


My fiancee does not know what to do. That I do know. Our counselor told him to back off until she was ready to behave basically. She said that her rules were ridiculous and that sooner or later she will see that her behaviour is wrong. She will see how good she had it and that she ruined it. 
He understands the logic behind it but I can tell it is hard for him. 
I have given alot for this relationship to work, quit my job, moved...taken less money at a new job and I have been patient for a yr. We have given in to her crazy demands. Now I have decided to be selfish. It might backfire but I don't care anymore. I am tired to doing what's right and good and I am putting us first. We need the extra money and we need to work on us before we get married. To hell with her and her broken heart and hurt feelings. If he can't be on my side with this, just to see if pulling away works then to hell with him too.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> If he can't be on my side with this, just to see if pulling away works then to hell with him too.


I see this going badly. If your attitude doesn't change about this, and you understand that this relationship was very meaningful to your fiance and those kids BEFORE YOU CAME INTO THE PICTURE, you're in for a real hard time.

You're making this about you and this woman and it isn't about you two. You're asking him to choose. You or the kids. Kids he raised for 5 years. That's not an easy decision to make at all. I'm sure he's extremely conflicted. He loves you but he also loves them and they're innocents in this adult drama.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

that_girl said:


> My stepdad's new wife was kinda like this. My mom didn't cause problems, but my stepdad's new wife HATED me (I was 17...raised by him since I was 3.5).
> 
> I hated her too. Still do. He's dead and buried (RIP) but she ripped my family apart.
> 
> ...


I think this says it all. Suck it up...the children are important to him and he to them. Married to their mother or not, he raised them.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

I know. I see it ending badly as well. I don't want to deal with her for the next 10 yrs for his sake. This was not the relationship I wanted. If he wants to kiss her ass for the next ten yrs then fine, but I don't have sit back and watch it. Its so sick.
Maybe I am young and naive. But can enduring something that is making me so unhappy be worth it? Will I be happy if I stick by him through all of this or will I regret it. I guess that is where I am. I don't know if it is worth it or not.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> I know. I see it ending badly as well. I don't want to deal with her for the next 10 yrs for his sake. This was not the relationship I wanted. If he wants to kiss her ass for the next ten yrs then fine, but I don't have sit back and watch it. Its so sick.
> Maybe I am young and naive. But can enduring something that is making me so unhappy be worth it? Will I be happy if I stick by him through all of this or will I regret it. I guess that is where I am. I don't know if it is worth it or not.


Well the bright side is you're only engaged, not married already. You do have an out. You're not wrong or right to feel the way you feel, and if it means walking away then that's what you should do.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

fullhour said:


> I know. I see it ending badly as well. I don't want to deal with her for the next 10 yrs for his sake. This was not the relationship I wanted. If he wants to kiss her ass for the next ten yrs then fine, but I don't have sit back and watch it. Its so sick.
> Maybe I am young and naive. But can enduring something that is making me so unhappy be worth it? Will I be happy if I stick by him through all of this or will I regret it. I guess that is where I am. I don't know if it is worth it or not.


I think you should tell him this in a more constructive manner. That you don't want to deal with this for the next 10 years. It isn't what you wanted. You're not sure if your relationship together is worth the pain it causes you. That, in itself, says a lot. Is your love for him strong enough to conquer the nuisance of dealing with this strange family dynamic? What happens when you start your own family?

You ever watch the movie "Stepmom"? Sounds similar.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I think you should tell him this in a more constructive manner. That you don't want to deal with this for the next 10 years. It isn't what you wanted. You're not sure if your relationship together is worth the pain it causes you. That, in itself, says a lot. Is your love for him strong enough to conquer the nuisance of dealing with this strange family dynamic? What happens when you start your own family?
> 
> You ever watch the movie "Stepmom"? Sounds similar.


Lol I have not seen that movie in years. Maybe I should watch again...this time maybe I will relate.

That is where we are now. I have said these things to him. He says he will do what he needs to do to make us happy. But it does not make him 100% happy. He thinks that if we hurry and get married maybe she will back down. She will see there is no moving back in and being a family. She will accept that I exsist. But....I can't help feeling that would be a mistake. I want to get married because its what we want not because its the next step to making our relationship valid to other people. I want this a little more ironed out before I walk down the aisle.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> Lol I have not seen that movie in years. Maybe I should watch again...this time maybe I will relate.
> 
> That is where we are now. I have said these things to him. He says he will do what he needs to do to make us happy. But it does not make him 100% happy. He thinks that if we hurry and get married maybe she will back down. She will see there is no moving back in and being a family. She will accept that I exsist. But....I can't help feeling that would be a mistake. I want to get married because its what we want not because its the next step to making our relationship valid to other people. I want this a little more ironed out before I walk down the aisle.


It would be nice if the adults could take themselves out of the equation. Put the kids first and what's best for them.

Getting married sooner won't make any difference. It's no magic fix. She's an angry, bitter woman and your marriage won't change that. He's moved on and she has not. She's using the children as leverage to WIN when it's not about winning, it's about her kids and how they feel about her ex. It's a way to keep your fiance close.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I get the impression that it doesn't bother the fiance nearly as much if at all. He's willing to tolerate the BS for the sake of the kids and their diminishing relationship. Is this accurate?


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> I'm impressed by some of the answers given here by women. How do you guys do it? If you were in the OP's shoes, you would truly be able to take the higher road?


Yep. I have in the past... it's not about ME. When you take your own insecurities and issues out of it, it's not so bad.

ETA: What helped me is thinking.. you know what? It's not their fault it didn't work out. And if the relationship was that strong, I can't see how it could be severed so easily. So either I need to find a way to get over it, because I love who I'm with (and I know he loves me) or I can walk. 

But honestly, in this situation, I wouldn't let that beotch run me away from my man. Just saying.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I get the impression that it doesn't bother the fiance nearly as much if at all. He's willing to tolerate the BS for the sake of the kids and their diminishing relationship. Is this accurate?


Yes it is. He gets mad about little things here and there...like her letting the boys around the real dad's family. ( got a big wtf from me) It seems he is only reacting to my issue with the whole thing..and boy does that hurt. If I didn't react he could care less what she says


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

Well pinkberet.....It seems that I have not been singled out and cursed my the gods lol. I'm sorry you are in the same boat but at least I am not alone out there...


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> I don't think it's a matter of insecurities or any issues. For me it's a matter of why should a person have to go through this? And of course it is about YOU, are you not part of this relationship? And it has always been about you that's why this situation started in the first place -- the mother of the boys are causing YOU grief because you were chosen by your fiance to be his future wife.
> 
> I think the mother is the one that needs to remove her insecurities and issues, not the OP.
> 
> Also, by taking the higher road, did it take you to a better place with that relationship? I'm young too so maybe there is something I haven't learned yet.


Nope. It's about the boys. They were there before me. I don't get to rewrite history just because he chose me to marry and not her. He has a past with her and them. That's how I would see it. In it's own time, it all could fade away, but why make things more difficult for my fiance than I need to? He has enough to deal with... a bitter ex and boys that he cares about.

And yes, it makes for a better relationship if you could understand. Of course it does. And honestly, kids grow up. They won't always be there.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And I'd like to add, nobody is saying that the fiance needs to have regular visitations... like every weekend or whatever. If it's once a month? Yeah, I wouldn't have a problem with that whatsoever.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

Hmm..exactly...they will grow up and see how crazy their mother was...and when they are of a certain age they can reach out to him. 
My fiancee also has a tendancy to not be open minded about certain things about my past and in my life. Ideally I would love to lay down my heart on the line...but having done so already, I think I am drawing the line because...If it were reversed...I DO NOT believe he would do the same. I believe he would have dropped my from the get go.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

PinkBeret said:


> Does the mother have a relationship of her own? Her own man?


No I don't think so, anything serious anyway.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> Hmm..exactly...*they will grow up and see how crazy their mother was...and when they are of a certain age they can reach out to him.*
> *My fiancee also has a tendancy to not be open minded about certain things about my past and in my life. Ideally I would love to lay down my heart on the line...*but having done so already, I think I am drawing the line because...If it were reversed...I DO NOT believe he would do the same. I believe he would have dropped my from the get go.


I'd let your fiance make the decision to cut them off until then. If you impose your will here, you may end up with a resentful husband on your hands. Is that what you want?

And he's not open minded? I find that interesting. What are you keeping from him, if you don't mind me asking? 

Marriage is about give and take. Both of you have to learn to accept things about the other and make compromises for one another or it won't work.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> And I'd like to add, nobody is saying that the fiance needs to have regular visitations... like every weekend or whatever. If it's once a month? Yeah, I wouldn't have a problem with that whatsoever.


I would endure her craziness for that...if he helped out a little finacially and saw them like once a month. But he wants to see them 3 times a week for sports, pay for the sports... I'm like baby...you can't do that!
She came to the games and said how things are killing her...that she still loves him. She wouild not walk over to us to speak to him, she waited until he went over to them...then she would go over and talk to him. Her family has been nice to me though. The boys give me hugs. But Im like invisible. I'm referred to as That girl. She still texts him and says you care more about that girl than the boys you said you would love forever...

It's like he is just realizing that things are NOT how they used to be..and that they will never be that way again...at least not until she folds.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Wow, I'm amazed at the ignorance of some people.

Children attach to the people who PARENT them-not the absent sperm donor/uterus that might be their biological mom or dad.

If the fiance quit staying in touch with the children, they would experience it as paternal abandonment. 

When he married/committed to a woman with 2 kids, he took on the role of father b/c their bio dad was absent. He did not have to do this, and assuming he is reasonably decent, he went into the situation eyes-wide-open. 

He is demonstrating a great deal of decency by sticking it out. He does this out of love for the kids. To stop seeing them b/c of their mom would just be cruel. It is not their fault their mom is so vindictive. 

OP, no one with a lick of sense will blame you if you decide you do not want to deal with the ex wife for the next 10 years. You too are considering marriage with someone who has a family--two boys from a previous relationship. Biology does not matter at all here. You thought it would be like your own blended family, and you know that blending can work. But the ex-wife apparently has issues that make such a positive outcome impossible. So make your choice, eyes-wide-open, too. 

good luck.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

PinkBeret said:


> I'm impressed by some of the answers given here by women. How do you guys do it? If you were in the OP's shoes, you would truly be able to take the higher road?
> 
> Not me, I wouldn't be able to.


I don't know if I'd be able to, not having been in the situation. But I feel for the kids and the step-dad having had such a long relationship with them at such a young age. It doesn't seem right to force them to not have this relationship being he was their father figure. So this is the advice most given, not considering our own selfish notions and wants.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> I would endure her craziness for that...if he helped out a little finacially and saw them like once a month. But he wants to see them 3 times a week for sports, pay for the sports... I'm like baby...you can't do that!
> She came to the games and said how things are killing her...that she still loves him. She wouild not walk over to us to speak to him, she waited until he went over to them...then she would go over and talk to him. Her family has been nice to me though. The boys give me hugs. But Im like invisible. I'm referred to as That girl. She still texts him and says you care more about that girl than the boys you said you would love forever...
> 
> It's like he is just realizing that things are NOT how they used to be..and that they will never be that way again...at least not until she folds.


Again, it's not a war between you and her. Everything you say here is pointing to how SHE makes you feel, when really what she thinks about you is irrelevant and secondary. She should be mature enough to acknowledge the ending of her relationship with this man, and that her kids still love him and want to be with them (and he them), but guess what? SHE ISN'T MATURE ENOUGH. You can't do anything about that.

To him, he's their dad. Period. He can't and doesn't want to end that yet. Regardless of what she says or does.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I feel for the kids.

2 dads gone in their short lives. Mom really is ffing them up, and good.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Wow, I'm amazed at the ignorance of some people.
> 
> Children attach to the people who PARENT them-not the absent sperm donor/uterus that might be their biological mom or dad.
> 
> ...


The only reason I bring up the fact that they are not his is because he is at her mercy for parenthood. At her will at any time she can legally cut him out. This will never change whether we are together or not. Does he want to put this crazy woman and her kids ahead of a possible family of his own is all I ask...I know he loves them and I know he was a good man to take on that responsibility...but he focuses on what he is owed and not reality. Yes he deserves to be their father but he will never be according to her...she uses that often.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

I feel for the kids too...they are smart and funny. If it were up to me we all would be giving in order to make this work. I just feel my fiancee and I are doing all the sacrificing. She gets the joy of causing us unhappiness, and making us look bad in front of the children. She is an innocent in her eyes. We are the bad people.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

fullhour said:


> The only reason I bring up the fact that they are not his is because *he is at her mercy for parenthood. At her will at any time she can legally cut him out*. This will never change whether we are together or not. Does he want to put this crazy woman and her kids ahead of a possible family of his own is all I ask...I know he loves them and I know he was a good man to take on that responsibility...but he focuses on what he is owed and not reality. Yes he deserves to be their father but he will never be according to her...she uses that often.


Maybe it will take that to happen for him to disassociate himself? Rather she do it than YOU do it IMO. He can hate her for her actions and not you for trying to drive a wedge between him and the kids.

You guys don't have kids yet. This whole scenario will change once/if that happens.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

They are adorable and through it all still seem to like me very much. I can't say anything bad about them. If they were terrors I think I would feel less guilty about my stance lol


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Maybe it will take that to happen for him to disassociate himself? Rather she do it than YOU do it IMO. He can hate her for her actions and not you for trying to drive a wedge between him and the kids.
> 
> You guys don't have kids yet. This whole scenario will change once/if that happens.


Maybe you are right. He needs to see this for himself instead of me trying to drill it in his head.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> as soon as she finds a new relationship, she could snap her finger and the boys will be out of your fiance's life...and what was all this for?


That's just it. It's all for THEM. They will never forget his involvement in their lives, no matter what their mother does or says. To them, he's their dad. He's been there through potty training, learning to ride a bike, hit a ball, almost all their firsts up to this point in their lives.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

PinkBeret said:


> But if she were a good person, she wouldn't have caused this upon her boys. So I don't think that's going to happen.
> 
> Look, people will continue to do what they are allowed to do. She is allowed to cause this because she is using the boys to control a situation she has no right to! Your fiance is probably putting up with her because he doesn't want her to cut him off from the boys, because he's simply still attached..which puts her in the control position.
> 
> ...


Oh I have said ALL of this to him. He says he will cross that bridge when we get there...As for her begging and pleading, he says it does not bother him..He says he only stayed with her so long because of the kids and that he had to leave because of them too. They did not get along and they were arguing too much in front of them and not modeling good behaviour. He said he knew he could never marry her and never asked..and that he knew after our 2nd date he would marry me...so her feelings mean nothing to him and should mean nothing to me.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks everyone...It feels amazing to hear impartial opinions...


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ask yourself this, because this is really what it comes down to--- DO you want this in your life? DO you want this in your marriage? IS this drama all worth it?

Because for me, I'd have to bow out.


----------



## tidal1 (May 3, 2012)

My ex was divorced with a two & four year old when I met her. We were together almost 13 years, engaged but never married, so similar situation. My first reaction was I'm out, she already had someone else and that was fine with her, she would gladly have him fill every role I used to but the kids, their bio dad & family intervened I guess, so I'm still involved. 

It's a tough situation, I temper my willingness to be involved with the fact that she holds all the cards and it could end at any time. And I'm not sure how to actually move on without actually moving on. Try finding a woman that'll put up with a man's ex & kids drama when he doesn't even have to do it. 

Sounds like you've realized you don't want to share a life with another family & that's a valid concern. We had problems with her ex over the years, and that's how I know how this ultimately plays out, and it'll be the same for your boyfriend.

Nobodoy want's to deal with someone's ex, when my ex or your boyfriend's ex finally meet someone they may want to settle down with, they'll have the same kind of friction in their new relationship that you & your boyfriend are having now. Except when their new man tells them their ex has no business being involved in their life anymore, they'll do what your boyfriend wont do for you. They'll cut us off, won't let us harm their new relationship & remind us it's not our kids. 

If I was seeing someone that picked up their ex step kids three times a week and put up with crap from ex, I'd think they still have it for the ex. When his ex meets a man, that's exactly what the new guy will say to her too. The guy she meets will feel just like you and she doesn't have to put up with your boyfriend in her life so it'll be curtains for him....Me too, but I'm preparing!


----------



## 7chakras (Jul 20, 2012)

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
-Buddha
Not to say you're wrong for your feelings, but you seem to have some stuff to work out on your own. Only YOU know what YOU can take. Best of luck.


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

tidal1 said:


> If I was seeing someone that picked up their ex step kids three times a week and put up with crap from ex, I'd think they still have it for the ex. When his ex meets a man, that's exactly what the new guy will say to her too. The guy she meets will feel just like you and she doesn't have to put up with your boyfriend in her life so it'll be curtains for him....Me too, but I'm preparing!


 This has crossed my mind for sure. He has reassured me. But I dont understand why he is trying to keep everything like they were, minus them living together. It has taken over our relationship to the point that we have ignored other issues. When those "normal problems" come up...it seems so all encompassing. I don't want to leave. I dont want to have failed. But I feel sometimes like it will never be better. Last night I talked to him about it...and he does not think she will find another relationship. ( I dont know why he feels that way) He says she is 37 and overweight and too picky. I could read alot into that statement....


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

7chakras said:


> It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.
> -Buddha
> Not to say you're wrong for your feelings, but you seem to have some stuff to work out on your own. Only YOU know what YOU can take. Best of luck.


Yes you are right. My desire to control this has gotten me nowhere. I have tried this route and though it will ultimately work...it is still hard to take your hands my of the wheel. To let go, to trust and focus on me....quite difficult.


----------



## 7chakras (Jul 20, 2012)

fullhour said:


> Yes you are right. My desire to control this has gotten me nowhere. I have tried this route and though it will ultimately work...it is still hard to take your hands my of the wheel. To let go, to trust and focus on me....quite difficult.


That's ok. Relationships are not easy nor is the decision to get our if that's what needs to happen.

Cool avatar btw. I love trees


----------



## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

PinkBeret said:


> I have a different opinion on this matter compared to everyone else that posted. Don't hate me!
> 
> I personally think that it's time your fiance let go of this family that is not his and to move on with you and start a family with you.
> 
> ...


^^^^ Yes, this!

This is such a familiar story (not mine thankfully). It never fails that the husband is a sucker to his ex and never stands up to her when it involves the kids. Ex-wives (the mother of the kids whether they were actually married or not) are almost ALWAYS like you describe this woman - demanding, disruptive, and destructive to his new relationship, and you are right to be concerned. She will definitely get WORSE when you and he get married. To her, it represents the end of her hopes of getting him back and the end of her feeling she still owns him. She will get worse to prove to herself she can still control him and to force him to communicate with her. The funny thing is, you are telling me men are like this even if the kids are not his??? Great jeepers. I don't get why they can never stand up to the ex. It makes him and you feel disrespected because, well, she is being disrespectul in her attempts to control everything.

If they were his biological children, I would suggest you leave. In fact, I would strongly encourage you to run very fast out the door. One reason is that they are his kids, and you are not more entitled to their father, his money, or his time than they are.

However, they are not his kids, so there is no legitimate or logical reason for all this drama. It's just happening because she wants control, which is the reason it almost always happens when the kids actually ARE his. 

One thing is for certain, you have a really good guy, and I would hang on to him if I were you. That he feels so strongly for these kids says a lot because it's not only about how he feels, he is equally concerned for how they feel. He doesn't want to abandon them so that they don't feel abandoned. Very commendable.

Therefore, I don't think you should be forcing your opinions on him. I think that will backfire on you. Even though you have a right to how you feel in that you don't want her disrupting your lives together, disrespecting you, or making demands on him (because all of that affects you, and she's the one who has no right), I think you should back off a little. He will only blame you later if he decides to grant your wishes. Yes, it would be his decision, but he will blame you for encouraging him.

The best thing you can do is to educate him and educate yourself. He needs to see how typical this is and that he is potentially allowing her to destroy what you and he are trying to build. You need to read the book Stepmonster (not at all based on the movie. The movie by the same name is very unrealistic where step family dynamics is concerned.) Then give it to him to read. Or, the two of you read it together. It is very enlightening.

In the meantime, please do not marry him until he gets this under control one way or another. And, the worst thing you can do is get pregnant. That would be repeating, actually re-creating the exact same scenario. If/When you and he break up from all this stress and pressure (or for whatever reason) there will be a child(ren) in the mix for you to become overprotective and controlling about and causing problems in his future relationships (just like his ex, the way she acts is too common to think it is beneath you), and there will be future girlfriends or a stepmother who will very probably dislike your kid(s). Plus, you will have future boyfriends or a husband. And goodness knows that is an altogether different set of problems. At least make sure the two of you are on the same page with this current situation before marrying and having any children.

Additionally, you are going to meet other guys and date again. In most cases, these guys will have previous relationships just like this guy, only the kids involved WILL be their biological children. Do you see this happening all over again? It surely will, only it will be even worse because those kids will resent you since you represent the loss of their hopes that their real parents will ever get back together. In this respect, you've got it mad pretty much in that you only have their crazy mother to deal with. All the more reason to stick by this man you have now. Stop being selfish. Stop thinking you can control the situation. Stop trying to force your will on him. Just make sure you both get educated and stay in counseling. This is an easy one to iron out. He will likely put his foot down one day. It just shouldn't be you trying to make him do that.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> She can make demands all she wants, she doesn't get to call the shots if the kids are with him. That's the reality of the situation.


Not so fast.

They are not his kids - they are his step kids. That the OP is talking about him no longer being responsible for their upkeep implies he is not their legal parent / guardian nor has otherwise secured legal rights to see them.

If that's the case, the kids' mother can simply say she will not allow the OP's husband to see them if he does abide by her rules.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

fullhour said:


> The kicker is, these are not his biological children. He has no legal rights. They have a father, and a relationship with the father's family. Yes the dad is a deadbeat...but why should he have to fight to do the right thing? There is not much in it for him anymore. She has started the mind games with them. It is all very toxic. I see how her husband gave up. But maybe he can have a relationship with the daughter minus her mom now.


It's a very tricky situation, OP, because he isn't their biological father and doesn't have any legal rights over the children. If he did, the ex wouldn't be able to call the shots and manipulate as much as she is doing. 

I find it commendable that your fiance still wants to father the ex's children, despite not being in a relationship with her, and, to be frank, I'd support his efforts.

By the sounds of things, the ex is using the emotional attachment your fiance has for her children as a tool to come between you and your fiance. Don't let her win!!


----------



## fullhour (Jul 18, 2012)

7chakras said:


> That's ok. Relationships are not easy nor is the decision to get our if that's what needs to happen.
> 
> Cool avatar btw. I love trees


Thank you. They are an awesome symbol.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I have two step children who came into my life 13 years ago when they are D10 and S12. There is no want I would let anything/anyone come between me and them. They are the same with me.

I also have my own son who is now 23. 

I've divorced their dad.. guess who they live with? Yep, me... still. 

Has he spoke to any attorny about him getting some rights?


----------



## JR526 (Oct 17, 2012)

fullhour said:


> First of all I will start by saying that my fiancee and I have gone to a counselor about this issue and her advice goes along with my line of thinking...
> Here are the facts
> I have been in engaged to my fiancee for three months, we plan to be married in December. We have been dating a year and a half.
> 
> ...


I was curious what happened with this because I am going through the same situation minus the ex wanting to get back with him. Instead she has manipulated my ex and the little girl. We have been told to leave them alone but the daughter continues to text him and we receive threatening texts back from her mother when she finds out they have been talking. Now he is hiding it from me becasue I'm not looking forward to a restaining order if she so decides to file one. Pretty much the ex wants us to pay to see her child which doesnt fly well with me since he is not her biological father. 

The little girl has no clue what is going on because her mother hasn't told her anything and we have told her that when she is older we hope to see her again. Has anything happened with you guys. 

I realize this was posted back in July but I'm curious what happened with you situation.


----------

