# Advice on GF's past relationship with a married man



## Deciding

We have been dating for about 9 months and met a little over a year ago. She is 27 and I am 28. She is a great fun loving person. She was single for 5 years before dating me. Before that she had a boyfriend for 4-5 years. During the time she was single she dated men and slept with a few. I understand this and that doesn't bother me. 
Through a series of events I learned that when she was 23/24 years old she had a job over the summer. She was pursued by a married man who made her feel accepted. She said they talked alot, usually at work or through email. He was 15 years older than her and was married with two kids. Eventually they finally started having an affair. They would secretly meet for lunchs and hook up at times (no sex). I am not sure exactly how long this went on, but I know it ended a while ago.
We have talked about it and its not easy for her. She has explained to me that she hates him and never wants to see him again. We had this conversation about 2 months ago (July/August). She eventually told me that his wife found out about her, but she doesn't know how much the wife knew. She also told me they slept together one time and she hates herself for it.
I guess I want to believe her that she only slept with him once because she was have a panic attack basically while telling me. On top of that she told me that they had talked through email back in February when we had just started getting serious. It wasn't anything bad, but they talked about an injury he had over Xmas break and she told him she may be having an issue with her spine as well. It was a very "friendly" email for someone you hate. She finally emailed him in July after we talked and replied to an email he had sent to her in April where he asked where she had been hiding. She forwarded the email to me and it told him that she had met someone she wanted to spend her life with and it wouldn't be right to keep talking to him.


----------



## A Bit Much

I'm not sure what advice you'd be looking for. She told him she didn't want to correspond, and even forwarded a message he sent her to you. What else do you want from her at this point?


----------



## newwife07

You have nothing to worry about. 

We all do stupid things when we're 23 and don't realize how sacred a marriage is (not that I have, but a few friends of mine who I love dearly have been The Other Woman--only when we were 22/23 and they were rather stupid about life).

If it looks like a "friendly" email she's probably just being fake. It's annoying to know that someone is potentially pursuing your mate, but it seems like she isn't into him at all and you need to trust her to get rid of the guy herself.


----------



## Jellybeans

Red flags everywhere, my dear.

Yes, they probably had sex more than once.

The good thing is she is being honest with you.

The bad thing is she says the affair ended eons ago yet she is still in contact with him even this year, on more than one occassion.


----------



## Deciding

Jellybeans said:


> Red flags everywhere, my dear.
> 
> Yes, they probably had sex more than once.
> 
> The good thing is she is being honest with you.
> 
> The bad thing is she says the affair ended eons ago yet she is still in contact with him even this year, on more than one occassion.


Yeah, I guess I just can't understand why she was still talking to him at all. Especially joking around and talking about their lives. I'm slowly over time getting past this stuff, but its so hard for her to talk about. So its always a really hard time after I bring it up. I hate making her feel bad and remember the past.


----------



## newwife07

Technically though, you're not bringing up the past--you're bringing up the presence of this guy in your current relationship. She shouldn't be blowing up about that, unless she does indeed have something to hide. 

I imagine that the way you're bringing it up might benefit from some revision--are you accusing her of anything? are you making her feel shame for what she did? Make sure you speak only about YOUR feelings (NOT her behavior) and use "I" statements to let her know how this is impacting you.


----------



## 827Aug

I would be more concerned about her character. Although that event was in her past, it does tell you more about her--the "real" her. She had an affair with a married man and she knew he was married! That's really low. And she would probably have continued the affair if the wife hadn't found out. I would find someone else; someone who does have scruples.


----------



## FirstYearDown

newwife07 said:


> You have nothing to worry about.
> 
> We all do stupid things when we're 23 and don't realize how sacred a marriage is (not that I have, but a few friends of mine who I love dearly have been The Other Woman--only when we were 22/23 and they were rather stupid about life).
> 
> If it looks like a "friendly" email she's probably just being fake. It's annoying to know that someone is potentially pursuing your mate, but it seems like she isn't into him at all and you need to trust her to get rid of the guy herself.


While I did stupid things at 23, I would have NEVER been The Other Woman. I had offers, but it was one thing I wouldn't budge on.

I believe that the OP's girlfriend had sex with her MM more than once.


----------



## FirstYearDown

827Aug said:


> I would be more concerned about her character. Although that event was in her past, it does tell you more about her--the "real" her. She had an affair with a married man and she knew he was married! That's really low. And she would probably have continued the affair if the wife hadn't found out. I would find someone else; someone who does have scruples.


But can't people make mistakes and move on? I agree that having an affair is reprehensible, but maybe she learned from her past.


----------



## kekel1123

827Aug said:


> I would be more concerned about her character. Although that event was in her past, it does tell you more about her--the "real" her. She had an affair with a married man and she knew he was married! That's really low. And she would probably have continued the affair if the wife hadn't found out. I would find someone else; someone who does have scruples.


Yes find someone else.the girl has no regards with committed relationships.if she was able to do it while being single, now, if you get married whats the assurance that she will not do it again.just my opinion.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 827Aug

FirstYearDown said:


> But can't people make mistakes and move on? I agree that having an affair is reprehensible, but maybe she learned from her past.


Yes, people can make mistakes and move on. This is beyond a mistake though. It speaks volumes about her moral fiber. There are simply some things which are next to impossible to change--and this is one of those things. 

My own daughters would never even think of dating a married man. It's because they have a conscience and know it's morally wrong. Also, they know I would intervene and it wouldn't end well. Somehow OP's GF didn't have this ingrained into her.


----------



## tacoma

I don't see the problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## LuvMyH

I believe people can make terrible mistakes, learn from them and not repeat them. The thing that I feel raises red flags is the fact that she has been in contact with him at all since then. That says to me she is still capable of crossing the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. I would think the shame of causing his wife and family so much pain would keep her from ever wanting to have any contact with that man. So, I would wonder if she truly understands how wrong she was for being a willing affair partner or if she is only angry at the MM for hurting her. 

Have the two of you talked about what marriage means to each of you? I think you should tread carefully and talk about it. Also, take a look at her friends. Do they currently do things like that? If so, is she okay with it? That can be a clue to how much respect she has for marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

I do believe people can change, if they want to, and not repeat old/ad behavior.

The problem I see here is that she is STILL in touch with the married man who's marriage she helped betray. That is major. She says she hates herself so much for what she did, yet she still has been in touch with him after the fact, even during your relationship. 

I'm not saying you're doomed, but I will say be careful. And obviously, this is bothering you, so talk to her about it. 

See what she says, find out where to meet in the middle, and if you can't, cut her loose.


----------



## Jellybeans

LuvMyH said:


> I believe people can make terrible mistakes, learn from them and not repeat them. *The thing that I feel raises red flags is the fact that she has been in contact with him at all since then*. That says to me she is still capable of crossing the line between what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior. I would think the shame of causing his wife and family so much pain would keep her from ever wanting to have any contact with that man. So, I would wonder if she truly understands how wrong she was for being a willing affair partner or if *she is only angry at the MM for hurting her. *


Bingo! My bet is she's so angry at him because she believed all his words and in the end, he slighted her, ended the affair, & didn't leave his wife for her.

OP said she told him the affair ended awhile ago...yet she is still in touch with him. Mmmm...


----------



## Doni

I too have made mistakes, even when I was old enough to know better. Would I make them again? I hope not! 
Have I done things, that, thinking back on them make me feel panicked? yeah!

Maybe I can give you another perspective, a different insight to this?

I can relate to gf. I was once in the position of being pursued by an older man in much the same manner. He patiently, gently, tenderly kept approaching me, like you would a stray animal. Though the circumstances were different, I think the "man's motives" were the same as what I feel your gf encountered.

It took me over two years, after the fact, to realize that I was used to fulfill a hobby this man had. To bed down unattainable women. It didn't dawn on me all at once, but rather in a million little ways. All the flags I missed at the time, later popped into my head. I was physically sick at the thought that I got "played". I thought I was smarter than that.

Thinking back, I have to cut myself some slack, but when it first fully dawned on me, I kicked myself silly for falling for it. I always prided myself in not being duped. But I met my kryptonite.

He was *good* at what he did and how he did it! He was charming, charismatic, funny! He was endearing, and showed a vulnerable side. He was always "there for me", seemingly with no agenda of his own. I thought he was the first 'genuine' man I ever met.
He flattered me subtly, sometimes he would 'need' me and knew my kind, generous heart would fall into the trap.

*He played me like a fiddle*

After a year of this, he was very patient! yes, I fell into his bed. "it just happened" ......One time. 
What I didn't see then was, Thats all he wanted. The trophy for all the successful game plays he made.
BUT, he didn't quite end it there. Every now and then I would get a call from him, until I ended that.

I have since realized that it was an ego boost to this older man, to pursue the 'unattainable' (which I was considered AND of the HIGHEST moral fiber!!!!), and win it. He got the 'prize'.

But he didn't totally end it there, because when he felt low (when his new *game* wasn't going the way he planned?) and he was feeling a little blue, he would call me. I know now that he did this to hear my voice, it was a reminder of his achievement.... an ego boost again.

I did finally confront him, and he acted so very wounded!! This made me unsure if I had him pegged correctly.....
but I did *almost* get a confession out of him before I finally ended it altogether. He still called, I just didn't answer it.

It was all for his amusement, his ego. He was never going to fully admit to how he played me! But that makes him no less guilty. 
However! I am the one who fell for it. It makes me physically sick to write this, as this is the first time I have 'spoke' of it. 
I still cannot believe I let my self get played like that, even if he was a very good player. I should have known better!

IMHO, gf was at a vulnerable stage in her life when this man pursued her. I think he picked up on that, even if it was subtle and used it 'to his advantage'. To fulfill a need in himself. 
Even after it 'ended', he still pats himself on the back and revisited his 'winning moments', by trying to stay in contact with her or maybe when his new game isn't going his way and he needs an ego boost?

That she told you about all of this, says to me that she really trusts you to love her, in spite of her failures. Wow. You lucky man! Lucky woman! To find a man she feels she can trust so deeply to share with, likely the worst mistake of her life! One that apparently still shakes her core to know she let herself get into it!
She is NOT still in contact with him. Months later she replied to an email, with THIS IS IT. THE END.
I would guess it was as much for her closure and forgiving herself for letting herself get into this mess, as it was to tell him to leave her alone, she was no longer his mouse to play with.

It hurts to read that someone thinks this mistake tells of her 'true moral fiber'. No, what tells of her true moral fiber is that she had a panic attack telling you about it! She isn't proud or thrilled with this mistake! She is mortified she let herself be used in such a manner!

Yes, she *hates* him, but she also hates herself for letting this happen. 

I say that you have a wonderfully honest moral woman in your life. She could have kept this secret. But the fact she didn't means she thinks you are a strong enough man to love her in spite of any mistake that she has ever made.
I hope you are.


----------



## Jellybeans

Doni, the problem is she has stayed in touch with him since then..on more than one occassion. THAT is the red flag.



Doni said:


> After a year of this, he was very patient! yes, I fell into his bed. "it just happened" ......


Affairs don't "just happen."


----------



## CandieGirl

Sounds like she's ashamed of her actions, which is good. Also, she told you about it, so that's good too. She told him about you, and asked to end correspondence which is GREAT.

File this one away (for now) and concentrate on the future...!


----------



## chattycathy

Of course she is ashamed of her actions. They are bad actions.
Yes, people can learn from their mistakes but it sounds like she is still learning from this one and far from at the point she is done with it and will never repeat anything like it.

I would probably keep in mind all of this as you continue a relationship with her.

She is telling you who she is. A person who doesn't value marriage and a person who is capable of stabbing another women in the back.


----------



## Jellybeans

Trust but verify!


----------



## Whip Morgan

Wow, is JB the only person to catch that she is still talking to this guy? That's the problem! It's easy to say that she has changed from being a mistress. But to stay in contact? No good. Stay in contact when SHE is now in a long term relationship? DANGER ZONE. 

To the original poster: red flags exist for a reason. To warn you. It brought you here, after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnj express

What MISTAKE did she make---SHE CHOSE TO BE A HOMEWRECKER

She KNEW he was married, she KNEW he had kids---where is the MISTAKE---she made a CHOICE---whoops, maybe he put her in an armlock, or had her in a headlock, and FORCED HER TO GO OUT WITH HIM------NO MISTAKE PEOPLE----BAD CHOICES!!!!!!!

Obviously for someone she hates so much, to still be in contact with him, makes her out to be deceitful, and a liar, as to even right now---if it was over, there would be no contact of any kind, AT ALL

There are millions of women out there, who not have had an A. with a married man---this woman is not one of them, she as has been stated above, has bad moral character----where does it come from, F O O, maybe?

If you wanna stay with her, then you need to get to the bottom of this, cuz once a cheater, always a cheater, happens more often than naught!!!!!!!

It is real possible she is still in some form of EA, with her lover----you had better handle this very carefully, and with strict, boundaries, and consequences, if you decide to keep going out with her


----------



## Catherine602

Doni don't kick yourself, these old men are predators but that does not make you a fool just good and naive and unlucky perhaps. I was unlucky too and I was only 15 yrs old. Till this day I feel sick to my stomach when older men stare at me or try to make a move. I am not so nice about the rebuff. Young men you expect but old men are looking for sex only and it is an insult that they would approach me to boost their sad egos. . 

My now husband was a friend when we were teens and he helped me to get over a very deep depression by telling me to just think - the man who tricked me will never in his life have anyone like me and he will suffer for the lack.

You be happy D, look at what he has to look forward to - years of observing the ravages of age and dissipation on his body and performance, seeing fresh young men in contrast to himself and increasing difficulty landing his prey because of his age, finally he will never be loved. As these men age their game gets rusty and they are increasingly unattractive. They become the target of predatory chicks who turn the tables on them. Before they know it, they are had and spit out for the next chick. 

That probably why he calls you, he is the prey now but he keeps trying for a hit. As men age and testosterone is lower they become closer to women in wanting an emotional connection. Maybe he gets Prostate cancer, hypertension, diabetes and no one who wants them. He is a taker and old takers die alone. 

When he calls again tell him you missed him and ask him to meet you in at a hotel somewhere 3000 miles away for a romantic W/E. Imagine his glee - then nothing. There is nothing worse to a gamer than being played. He he.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

Too many red flags, too much risk. Is she worth it? She'll certainly keep you on your toes (not in a good way) for the next few decades.


----------



## tacoma

Deciding said:


> ... she was 23/24 years old she had a job over the summer.... He was 15 years older than her and was married with two kids. ....
> We have talked about it and its not easy for her. She has explained to me that she hates him and never wants to see him again. .... She also told me they slept together one time and she hates herself for it....she was have a panic attack basically while telling me.....She forwarded the email to me and it told him that she had met someone she wanted to spend her life with and it wouldn't be right to keep talking to him.


Did nobody read the OP?

She was young, she regrets it, she told him she was in a relationship and could no longer speak with him.

I repeat..
I don`t see the problem.


----------



## Thinkitthrough01

Okay hold on. You're saying it's "hard for her" to talk about it but if she loves you and she wants to be with you and win your trust and respect she HAS to go through it over and over and over until you're satisfied. Human beings have a fascinating way of habituating themselves to adverse and trying situations. She needs to break down her defense mechanisms, her rationalizations, her difficulties, her walls, and everything she might have used to cope. This is just as much a healing process for you as it is for her. Only when she does this can she actually bare her entire heart and soul to you in as fresh a state as she can. Then you can see who she truly is and make a calculated decision on what you want to do. People are giving you the wrong advice about the "contact" thing because they aren't considering what was actually occurring psychologically. Some people are truly dark, evil individual with very loose morals, more than willing to break down a sacred relationship for their own personal satisfaction. Others become emotionally broken through these types of experiences and they lose power and control over themselves emotionally and they seek out whatever it is that is making them feel that satisfaction (in this case it would be the closeness/fulfillment from having a relationship with that particular individual). Think about the last time any of you lied about something or cheated on something. You know it's wrong but you rationalize it by saying "I'll never do it again, but just this once" or "it's not as bad as some things other people are doing." Now take that into any situation and you have the basic human psyche. What if I told you that there was a 22 year old female and she was having an affair with a married man much older than her but that on their first "encounter" he actually essentially raped her by using her innocence and naivete to quickly have intercourse with her before she could even figure out what was happening? Anyone that blames the girl is missing the point of rape and the emotional consequences of it. Why do you think so many rape victims commit suicide? They can't cope with the emotional turmoil and nobody else can help them. They don't want to see a therapist because it's "embarrassing" so they end up just ending it all.


----------



## TAM2013

What she's told you is the tip of the iceberg. If she had learnt ANYTHING she would make sure this guy has NO MEANS to contact her and the fact she REPLIED.....come on, OP.

Guess who she'll be straight in contact with when you two argue badly or split up? Is it sinking in now?


----------



## Livvie

This thread is from 2011.


----------

