# Where to go from here



## Lostmybestfriend (Dec 23, 2014)

I don't know why I am even on here. I mean, advice from others that have problems too? I am so lost...I feel like I have lost my best friend and don't know how to get him back. I really don't want to go into a long thread of history, but to make a long story short, my husband is not sure he wants to be in this marriage anymore. I want to fix our marriage but how do you fix a marriage if only one of you is willing to work at it? And to answer the question, no, neither one of us is physically or emotionally involved with others. No affairs in the past either. I just don't know where to go from here. Do I give up? How do you stay if the other doesn't want to? We have a beautiful home, children, cars, weather. Just not a beautiful marriage anymore. I am willing to do anything to fix it, but feel I am unloved and unwanted and I am running out of energy to fight for us both.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes couples drift apart and don't meet each other's needs. When this happenes it can lead to an affair or it can lead to the breakup of the marriage witht out an affair.

While you say that neither of you is in an affair, the same things that are used to fix your marriage after an affair and be applied to the situation you two are in.

My suggestion is that you start with the book 

"Surviving an Affair", do what the book calls a Plan A for as long as you can.

Along with the Plan A, 

After you have been doing a Plan A for a week or two, see if you can get him to read these two books with you and work on that the books say to do... 

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

How long have you been married?

~Sammy


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

You've come to the right place. You'll get advice from people who will go through this with you and celebrate with you or hold you up. From people who have been where you are and can offer advice from their clear perspective. 

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you are.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You need to provide posters more information to help you with. How old are you and your husband? Do you have any children and how old are they? Do you work?

What prompted your husband to say that he is not sure that he wants to stay in this marriage anymore. When did he changed?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Details...


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lostmybestfriend said:


> *I don't know why I am even on here. I mean, advice from others that have problems too? *I am so lost...I feel like I have lost my best friend and don't know how to get him back. I really don't want to go into a long thread of history, but to make a long story short, my husband is not sure he wants to be in this marriage anymore. I want to fix our marriage but how do you fix a marriage if only one of you is willing to work at it? And to answer the question, no, neither one of us is physically or emotionally involved with others. No affairs in the past either. I just don't know where to go from here. Do I give up? How do you stay if the other doesn't want to? We have a beautiful home, children, cars, weather. Just not a beautiful marriage anymore. I am willing to do anything to fix it, but feel I am unloved and unwanted and I am running out of energy to fight for us both.


There are lots of people here with problems that's true. There are also many who have successfully restored their marriages and give solid advice. Elegirl is one of the sage posters and her advice to use some of the techniques that are used with infidelity is very wise.

There is something different in your marriage today from when you got married. You need to deeply reflect and figure out what it may be. You might have changed. He might have changed. The marriage may be suffering from the same routine day in day out. You may not be meeting his needs. You may not understand his needs nor he yours.

The naive response to your husband is to dote and become clingy. This will likely have the opposite effect and push him away as you smother him. A technique that I used though I didn't know it at the time that it was also recommended for infidelity. I used the 180, in mini form, to focus on myself, improve myself and reflect in my marriage. This entailed reduced interaction with my wife to only the necessities for awhile. I discovered through this process that I had changed. I also identified needs of my wife that were not being met. The reduced interaction created a vacuum that she responded to and my changes made me more attractive to her again. This whole process took a long time and as a result we both fell in love with each other again after broaching divorce as an option. 

If you let go and provide some details there will be many that will understand and have been through what you are going through that will respond.


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## Lostmybestfriend (Dec 23, 2014)

we have been married about 3 yrs, both in second marriages and have kids from previous marriages. We both work and I agree, yes routines, same ones day in and day out. So the book that was suggested for infidelity also applies to those who "haven't" had infidelity in their marriage? I am definatly not doting, but rather avoiding as he is avoiding me which I don't think is good.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Okay.
Thats better.
Three years is the traditional timeframe for a marriage to cool down. Now you both have to make the conscious decision to continue to love each other.
What you two are going through is fairly normal.
The key to getting through it is to talk and then recommit to things.

Is he open to discussing it?


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