# Kids threatened to move in with their Dad



## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

I am going through what feels like the worst divorce in history - I’m aware divorce is never easy but I was unaware it would be this hard. My now ex (still going through divorce) made it clear he’d ‘ make my life hell and he’d ruin me’after I decided to call time on our 15 year marriage. 
We have kids and two of them are hell bent on living with him as he’s worked very hard the past 2 years turning them against me and I know my ex doesn’t want them, he just wants to break my heart how I broke his, he’s using the kids as a weapon and they don’t see it!

I feel totally lost.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Olive11 said:


> I am going through what feels like the worst divorce in history - I’m aware divorce is never easy but I was unaware it would be this hard. My now ex (still going through divorce) made it clear he’d ‘ make my life hell and he’d ruin me’after I decided to call time on our 15 year marriage.
> We have kids and two of them are hell bent on living with him as he’s worked very hard the past 2 years turning them against me and I know my ex doesn’t want them, he just wants to break my heart how I broke his, he’s using the kids as a weapon and they don’t see it!
> 
> I feel totally lost.


Well guess what, it will get better. 

I don't know how young you are but you sound really young. Under 40, or 30??? 

Here is the deal, take a breath. Even in the UK he cannot take the kids away from you, unless you are unfit, and it is obvious that you are unfit. So what he is saying it just stuff and nonsense. 

Next, no matter what age the kids are, they will see who the better parent is, and it may take a while. 

Are they of that age where they can pick where they live? Even if they are I don't think they can not see you. You are their mother, you have rights. 

He wants to hurt you, and you have not seen the worst yet so brace yourself. 

So did you just decide you were done, or did you have an affair? And did he not want the divorce? 

Any more details you give help us understand the situation and give better advice...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many children do you have? How old are your children?

What is he doing that you think is making the children want to live with him?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

The pet peeve of every family law judge is the parent who drags the children into their adult problems and bad-mouths the other spouse. So you need to take this before the judge through your family law attorney. 

I would strongly advise you insist on giving him 50/50 custody so he has to take care of the kids just like you do half the time and you both have an equal shot at being able to work and rest and have a social life. If you try to cling to the kids, you are simply giving him all the freedom he wants and none of the responsibility and you are going to end up being the exhausted one whose life comes to a standstill. 

50/50 joint custody with the kids staying with each parent half of the week and half of the weekend is standard. Don't let the kids make this decision for you. take this to your attorney and get it to a judge and let them know what he's doing and work out a 50/50 custody arrangement.


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## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

Thank you for everyone’s replies.. on a positive I sound young! I’m 45, the marriage ended due to him believing I had an affair and quite frankly, I’m glad he did as I could never have got away from him otherwise. I have been controlled and verbally abused by him for as long as I can remember and he has never tried to change. Sadly one of my sons are very similar to him, so I feel like I’m still living with him.
There is currently a restraining order in place to stop my husband contacting me, so instead he says things about me to the children. It’s a real mess! 
My eldest is 14 so I believe is of age he can decide who he wants to live with, my younger son is 9.
Although my husband is with a new partner and has been for over a year, he simply focuses on making my life hell. I too have a new partner who if they children talk too, my husband tells them he’ll disown them.


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## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

Sorry should say ‘if the children talk to him’


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to take this before a judge. And 14 year olds make terrible decisions. The part of their brain that can predict consequences of their actions is not fully developed until mid-twenties. You should not be letting the kids make their decisions.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

It’s going to get better. I am in same position you were. Living with an abusive husband. Of course my husband sees himself as a victim, not abuser. 🤦‍♀️ I wished he would leave me too. “ All I want for Chistmas from him, is a divorce” . yeah!
Your kids may be brainwashed by him for now, but if he is not a good father kids are going to find out soon they made a mistake.
I can’t imagine my kids living with my husband. I would never, ever allow that to happen since he is a bully and short tempered cares about his needs mostly. For instance if the internet is slow and his Netlix is not working or is slow, this would cause a huge fight between him and our kids. He is going to ask them stop using their electronics (usually he goes to our son’s room) and he will not take no for answer. We know teens talk back, oh my husband can’t handle it at all. He will say whatever comes to his mind at the moment, even bully his son. He doesn’t see it as bullying, of course. I have to take him away from my son’s room. What if I am not there one day?! Hell no! My kids are the main reason I want a divorce from him. I always felt like a single parent anyway. He knows they will never choose him over me.


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## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

marcy* said:


> It’s going to get better. I am in same position you were. Living with an abusive husband. Of course my husband sees himself as a victim, not abuser. 🤦‍♀️ I wished he would leave me too. “ All I want for Chistmas from him, is a divorce” . yeah!
> Your kids may be brainwashed by him for now, but if he is not a good father kids are going to find out soon they made a mistake.
> I can’t imagine my kids living with my husband. I would never, ever allow that to happen since he is a bully and short tempered cares about his needs mostly. For instance if the internet is slow and his Netlix is not working or is slow, this would cause a huge fight between him and our kids. He is going to ask them stop using their electronics (usually he goes to our son’s room) and he will not take no for answer. We know teens talk back, oh my husband can’t handle it at all. He will say whatever comes to his mind at the moment, even bully his son. He doesn’t see it as bullying, of course. I have to take him away from my son’s room. What if I am not there one day?! Hell no! My kids are the main reason I want a divorce from him. I always felt like a single parent anyway. He knows they will never choose him over me.


I can totally relate, my husband has called our children unforgivable names during one of his temper tantrums and has bad mouthed me for so long, yet said he didn’t want custody! I know he won’t truly want them to live with him as he then loses control of me. This has been the toughest 18 months of my life but I still feel I’ve achieved one thing atleast.. the process of being away from an abuser.. albeit they continue, as I’ve explained via other means, other people. The control never truly ends when you have children with them. I guess you just have to deal with now you allow it to affect you.. I’m saying this to myself also, I appreciate how hard it is. Oh and yes, he IS the victim!! Finally, he has something or someone to blame for his anger.. me!! I split the family up.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Olive11 said:


> I can totally relate, my husband has called our children unforgivable names during one of his temper tantrums and has bad mouthed me for so long, yet said he didn’t want custody! I know he won’t truly want them to live with him as he then loses control of me. This has been the toughest 18 months of my life but I still feel I’ve achieved one thing atleast.. the process of being away from an abuser.. albeit they continue, as I’ve explained via other means, other people. The control never truly ends when you have children with them. I guess you just have to deal with now you allow it to affect you.. I’m saying this to myself also, I appreciate how hard it is. Oh and yes, he IS the victim!! Finally, he has something or someone to blame for his anger.. me!! I split the family up.


You know what? I just want him to leave me. At this point, I don’t care if he turns everyone else against me a makes me look like I am the bad one. He can make up stories if he
wants, I don’t care.
Enjoy your freedom!


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## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

marcy* said:


> You know what? I just want him to leave me. At this point, I don’t care if he turns everyone else against me a makes me look like I am the bad one. He can make up stories if he
> wants, I don’t care.
> Enjoy your freedom!


And I felt exactly how you did, I used to pray he’d find someone else as I knew if I left my life would be hell. Well, it is hell, BUT I don’t have to live with him, that’s the only plus side. Trust me when I say, if he’s anything like my husband’s personality, it isn’t in anyway freedom once you’ve left them, though I don’t have to deal with his temper face to face, I’m still dealing with his bullying and controlling ways via my kids. Try and get yourself into a good, positive place and remember he does not define you!! I wish you much luck, it’s been a though journey but I s wouldn’t change the hell ive been through to get away from him:


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Olive11 said:


> And I felt exactly how you did, I used to pray he’d find someone else as I knew if I left my life would be hell. Well, it is hell, BUT I don’t have to live with him, that’s the only plus side. Trust me when I say, if he’s anything like my husband’s personality, it isn’t in anyway freedom once you’ve left them, though I don’t have to deal with his temper face to face, I’m still dealing with his bullying and controlling ways via my kids. Try and get yourself into a good, positive place and remember he does not define you!! I wish you much luck, it’s been a though journey but I s wouldn’t change the hell ive been through to get away from him:


I know. That’s the reason I am still married. I fear that he will threaten me with my life if I leave him. I am just waiting for the right moment. I envy people who get divorced and remain close for the sake of the kids. That will nevet, ever happen with my hubby. He will not even pay child support for sure. He would rather end up homeless than help me and kids with money. 
I hope it gets better for you and please keep us updated. Be safe!


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## Olive11 (Jul 14, 2020)

marcy* said:


> I know. That’s the reason I am still married. I fear that he will threaten me with my life if I leave him. I am just waiting for the right moment. I envy people who get divorced and remain close for the sake of the kids. That will nevet, ever happen with my hubby. He will not even pay child support for sure. He would rather end up homeless than help me and kids with money.
> I hope it gets better for you and please keep us updated. Be safe!


Likewise, sounds as if our husbands are cut from the same cloth.. totally exhausting, but there is light at the end, I assure you. I have more good days than bad, but it’s a rollercoaster. Keep safe


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

marcy* said:


> I know. That’s the reason I am still married. I fear that he will threaten me with my life if I leave him. I am just waiting for the right moment. I envy people who get divorced and remain close for the sake of the kids. That will nevet, ever happen with my hubby. He will not even pay child support for sure. He would rather end up homeless than help me and kids with money.
> I hope it gets better for you and please keep us updated. Be safe!


What makes you feel your life would be threatened? Sounds like a bad situation


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

The children are the one’s who are hurt the most in these situations


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

FamilyMan216 said:


> What makes you feel your life would be threatened? Sounds like a bad situation


He has said that to me. If you leave me I will hurt you. You will get nothing from me, and he even mentioned he will take my kids from me just to hurt me. Some of these were said when he was drunk but I believe he meant what he said, and he is a short tempered and vengful person. I had many fights with him about other’s people actions. He can’t let things go. If you hurt him, even when you don’t mean to hurt his feelings, he will not let it go.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> The children are the one’s who are hurt the most in these situations


Actually, that is kind of a myth. Everyone is hurt. 

Lots of men and woman use that as an excuse to stay in a bad toxic marriage because they are scared to get out, scared of the future, scared of the unknown.

What is REALLY BAD for children is to be around abusive dysfunctional parents and their marriage. 

It is far, far better for the children to be around ONE happy healthy parent than around two unhappy parents.


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## FamilyMan216 (Apr 1, 2020)

BluesPower said:


> Actually, that is kind of a myth. Everyone is hurt.
> 
> Lots of men and woman use that as an excuse to stay in a bad toxic marriage because they are scared to get out, scared of the future, scared of the unknown.
> 
> ...


The children suffer more because the adults couldn’t be adults and they inherit what they’ve witnessed. The situation will always negatively affect them one way or another...just my opinion


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

FamilyMan216 said:


> The children suffer more because the adults couldn’t be adults and they inherit what they’ve witnessed. The situation will always negatively affect them one way or another...just my opinion


You are not reading what I wrote. 

Divorce affects everyone. However, like in your situation, it is worse for you and your wife to stay together than be happy apart. 

Listen, I have already lived this, your fears are unjustified.

OP's fear are unjustified here, her kids will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF in the long run. 

Not that it will not AFFECT them, it is just that the OVERALL mental health of the kids will be better off when they are not in or around a toxic household.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> You are not reading what I wrote.
> 
> Divorce affects everyone. However, like in your situation, it is worse for you and your wife to stay together than be happy apart.
> 
> ...


It's not only fear that drive these people to freeze and do nothing, it is also cowardice. They just don't have the guts to do what needs to be done in order to protect the children mental health, and do whatever it is necessary so that they have a happier, more balance environment. Not to mention their own mental health and emotional well being. Instead they just wallow in the nightmare that is their home and stay and do nothing, because they're just frozen in fear; meanwhile the kids are getting messed up. How sad.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> It's not only fear that drive these people to freeze and do nothing, it is also cowardice. They just don't have the guts to do what needs to be done in order to protect the children mental health, and do whatever it is necessary so that they have a happier, more balance environment. Not to mention their own mental health and emotional well being. Instead they just wallow in the nightmare that is their home and stay and do nothing, because they're just frozen in fear; meanwhile the kids are getting messed up. How sad.


Amen brother, but I do have to be sexist here a little. I do think it can be harder for women that have been at home and not working.

I know the same thing can happen to men, but I think it can be harder for women. 

So I don't want to use the word cowardice for the women. I know it is being sexist I am sorry. 

But the same thing applies, get out no matter what, get your kids into a healthy environment sooner rather than later.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Olive11 said:


> I am going through what feels like the worst divorce in history - I’m aware divorce is never easy but I was unaware it would be this hard. My now ex (still going through divorce) made it clear he’d ‘ make my life hell and he’d ruin me’after I decided to call time on our 15 year marriage.
> We have kids and two of them are hell bent on living with him as he’s worked very hard the past 2 years turning them against me and I know my ex doesn’t want them, he just wants to break my heart how I broke his, he’s using the kids as a weapon and they don’t see it!
> 
> I feel totally lost.


Hi, 15 years is a good run. I am a man in Australia who got divorced 12 years ago. It was explained to me that when my son was 14 he could choose to live where he wanted. I discussed it with his mother and him and he came to live with me half the time. Younger than this, in almost all cases, the judge will award primary custody to the woman unless there is a good reason. If you're children want to go live with their dad primarily you will have to work on why with them. There's no point blaming their father for what he has told them as this will backfire. If you have issues with how you're relating with your children you should focus on them and not him. Someone's actions will always speak louder than their words. There's nothing wrong with sharing custody equally and co-parenting. I've found it to be extremely positive.


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