# Initiating failure after the talk



## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Hey guys I'm after some advice, you may have read some of my posts of problems I've had with my wife and lack of sex, we had "the talk" and my worrys that she maybe having an affair or didn't love me anymore, at the time she said don't be silly and that she was way to busy to have another man, it was ok for a few weeks but she started getting pouty and one night whilst in bed you could cut the atmosphere with a knife neither of us could sleep and she got up and went downstairs I followed and asked her why,saying that she couldn't sleep So we went back to bed and she said she was annoyed that I accused her of having an affair and that I was depressed, I said that I was only depressed becsuse of the lack of intimacy and she said that did I want a divorce, I said no I love you more than ever, she said I need to snap out of my depression.
I said that I'm only depressed as we don't have sex hardly ever and that I get turned down all the time and that it would be nice if she initiated some of the time so I don't pester her, she said that she will never initiate as it's not in her to do it.
We ended the night making up and having great make up sex.
It's been ok so far but I'm struggling on how to initiate at times without coming across needy, she said to me the other night I was like a dog looking at their owner, also I'm a hopeless romantic so I tell her that I love her and give her a kiss goodbye but she is the opposite she never says she loves me won't even say it back and also won't ever kiss me first.
I've said this to her and she said it was how she was raised so she dosent know how, if that makes sense.
So I'm lost I don't know how to initiate without being needy.

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## manwithnoname (Feb 3, 2017)

Well your first sentence says quite a bit. Your worries about her having an affair or not loving you anymore. She got annoyed about the affair accusation, but didn't address the other concern? Also, what if she DID have time for another man?

It wasn't make up sex, it was IV drip sex, just enough to keep the marriage alive.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> She said' "Did I want a divorce?"
> 
> She feels that YOU are rejecting HER, she no longer meets your needs. Which is obviously true.
> 
> ...



If she has always been this cold with you then this IS the way she is.
If it is something that is relatively new, suspect an affair.
If iit is something that has slowly gotten worse, suspect that she has fallen out of love with you.

Her mind is not on you. It is not on your crotch, your arms or your lips.

She may be just plodding along, in limbo.
She is waiting...for what?

Who knows.

With what info you have provided, I do not think she is having an affair. She actually got quite upset that you would say such a thing.
The fact that she can get upset shows that she has feelings, that she is not a potato. 
It seems her feelings do not extend to intimate passion. It seems so. 

Who knows?




TH-


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Slap her on the ass and tell her it’s lovin time. 
If that doesn’t work I got nothing else.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just remember, what people say and what they really think and do are totally different things.

What I get from your conversation is this:

You’re not getting any more sex than rare or never like you have been getting, and she has let you know this.

You’re not going to get any affection of any kind, really.

It’s too much damn trouble for her to tell you she loves you so you won’t get that, either.

Basically, she has let you know that she’s not that into you, you’re not getting any physical or verbal affirmations of affection. Her excuse: “it’s not in her” and “that’s how she was raised”.....


I think this very well may just be “her”...
The thing is, are you happy with that?
Do you think that’s how all women are?
Do you think you can’t find a better relationship?

It is extremely hard for a person to leave any relationship, certainly with a spouse... However, when your spouse tells you that your basic, reasonable needs for affection and touch are NEVER or EXTREMELY rarely going to be met, I think it’s wise to ask oneself, “Is this how I want to live the rest of my life? Always wanting, always sad, always feeling loved less than I deserve?”

If your answer is no, you’ve got a lot to think about. Do you really want to waste years trying to get to the point you can walk away and find someone that you’re compatible with?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think she's made clear that what you've got now is all you can ever expect, and it's likely that will fade further. I think your best option is to file for divorce. She may make a big effort in an attempt to stop you from following through, but that won't last, either. If this issue is important to you - and it must be, or you wouldn't be depressed over it - then you need to act boldly and decisively.

Love is NOT enough, especially when it isn't reciprocated.


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## Mommame2 (Oct 8, 2017)

If she's looking at you like a puppy dog, maybe she just wants you to give her the bone, and NOW!

It's not needy, get over that thought. Some of us just aren't good at initiating, but want to be taken. 

Having trouble sleeping may have been a good opportunity to go for it, you said you had great make up sex. 

Maybe she doesn't want the sad puppy dog, but the assertive pit bull. Lord knows mine gets my leg any time he tries. 


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"I tell her that I love her and give her a kiss goodbye but she is the opposite she never says she loves me won't even say it back and also won't ever kiss me first"

Am I the only one that thinks this is the most alarming of this thread so far?

LG, did she ever say ILU back and kiss you first? Like for a sustainable amount of time in your marriage. Sorry, don't have the back story. Do you have kids, how long have you been married?

This is my battle plan for you and don't take it lightly, please, don't do it, kill it!

- Start working out like an f'n champ, build muscle mass, tone up
- Start taking interest in everything about yourself (Hair, Clothes, Cologne) 
- Stop caring about what she does, in terms of affection. Don't get sad or depressed around her

Work on you and the results you see in the mirror will start to power you to want more results until you turn into a machine. She will start to notice but don't bring any of this up, don't advertise your 'gains'. Just do it! Don't ask for approval. If she doesn't notice, then I think that tells you she just doesn't care but you need to do this for yourself, you confidence and then hopefully she catches on. In a way, put the thought in the head that if she is not going to give it to you and she doesn't want to. You will be confident enough in yourself that if this marriage doesn't work out, that you will easily be able to find another after that will.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Slap her on the ass and tell her it’s lovin time.
> If that doesn’t work I got nothing else.


For her "normal" this truly is one of the ways that very well work best, while allowing you to raise your standing in her eyes.

It's common that some women rarely initiate but respond well to H starting to fool around with very, very minimal talk, just get to it. Kiss her when you want, not to be crass, but grope when you want, and go with it. Just because she never initiates (for now) doesn't mean you can't initiate when you want. Many couples have one SO that starts things 90% of the time and both are ready whenever, that's their pattern.

Minimize the "asking" start respectfully taking.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mommame2 said:


> If she's looking at you like a puppy dog, maybe she just wants you to give her the bone, and NOW!
> 
> It's not needy, get over that thought. Some of us just aren't good at initiating, but want to be taken.
> 
> ...


I missed this post, this is good and experienced advice. 😊 She reminds me of my lovely W of almost 35 yrs.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

If you want your love life to improve go buy and read these books:
No More Mr. Nice Guy
and
Married Man Sex Life Primer

Both will really help you with the frame of mind you need to start initiating properly and be more attractive to your wife. Like @stillfightingforus mentioned, you need to start focusing on you a bit more

A depressed, crying about sex, husband is not attractive and is actually a turn off. Talking about wanting more sex will dry your wife up even more. Its time to be attractive and less unattractive.

Go to the gym and start putting on muscle. Muscle on a man is like great breasts/ass on a women...


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> "I tell her that I love her and give her a kiss goodbye but she is the opposite she never says she loves me won't even say it back and also won't ever kiss me first"
> 
> Am I the only one that thinks this is the most alarming of this thread so far?
> 
> ...


She's always been a little shy, her adopted parents treated her like dirt saying she was worthless and fat..she isn't, we have been together 22 years this year and married for 16 years this August, we have 2 children 9yo and a 13yo.


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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> If you want your love life to improve go buy and read these books:
> No More Mr. Nice Guy
> and
> Married Man Sex Life Primer
> ...


I bought nmmng but I can't get mmslp over here in the uk

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## Lonelygent1977 (Feb 20, 2018)

My apologies I've just been on Amazon and married man sex life primer it's now available so I have purchased the kindle version


Lonelygent1977 said:


> I bought nmmng but I can't get mmslp over here in the uk
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Lonelygent1977 said:


> It's been ok so far but I'm struggling on how to initiate at times without coming across needy, she said to me the other night I was like a dog looking at their owner, also I'm a hopeless romantic so I tell her that I love her and give her a kiss goodbye but she is the opposite she never says she loves me won't even say it back and also won't ever kiss me first.


You're smothering her with affection and her natural response is to withdraw.

Find and read Mem2020's post on Temparature.



Lonelygent1977 said:


> So I'm lost I don't know how to initiate without being needy.


Well, there's always "I'm going to **** you tonight" or "I'm going to **** you now" or "You get me so hot that I'm going to....". You get the idea (although you it difficult to believe, plenty of women will probably come along and tell you how hot that gets them). A significant portion of a woman's libido is driven my her man's desire for her. She doesn't want to be nice to you. She doesn't want to do you a favor. She wants to be sexually needed by you (if she wants anything at all). 

The problem is that there is no way that's going to work just out of the blue.

So, read about how to lower your temperature. Start going to the gym and lifting weights. Do fun things without her (invite her to join you, but still go if she declines). Deprioritize her happiness (stop doing things only for her benefit). Read the above books. Stop initiating.

Then, after a couple of months, tell her that you will not spend the rest of you life in a marriage where your sexual needs are not met and try out the lines above.

They'll work or they won't.

If they don't, then stay married and deal with it or file for divorce.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

You dont know how to initiate without being needy because you are infact needy.

The books i suggested, and some comments above will help you down the path. 

Your wife doesnt want to be the center of your world... trust me.


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