# When is enough enough?



## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

At what point do you say "this isn't worth it?"

I know the answer is different for everyone. But, man oh man. I've driving myself crazy and I just don't think it's worth it.

I keep finding "clues", on top of my deep gut feeling that he is having at least an EA and possibly was an PA.

He is treating me like crap and denies everything. "You're crazy", "we're JUST friends" and "I don't love you anymore" are among his favorites to tell me.

When I search for signs of re-writting marriage, cheating and walk away spouse syndrome- he fits them to a T.

He suggested MC and we are doing it. But, keeps telling me it doesn't matter because he doesn't care. He's, also, depressed and I think it's guilt that's eating him alive. When I look back at the timeline, he became condescending, rude, belittling and depressed right after she transferred out of state. It's like he was home and nice still because he was still on a high from seeing her. When I asked him to cut off contact, it turned into a no way, she's my friend, you're controlling, I need my space/privacy and (the best) YES, her friendship is worth our marriage. And, last night on FB, she posted something along the lines of "If you love 2 people, always pick the second. Because if you really loved the first, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."

He later says he says these things out of anger and really doesn't mean them. 

But, seriously, what do you do without concrete proof? Is this concrete proof? What do you do when one week he says he's in and the next he's out. 

It's not easy to call it quits when you're going to devastate 4 little people's lives.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Even without concrete proof, what do you really have in this marriage? A man who disrespects you, belittles you and says he doesn't love you.

What are you holding on to? Do you think that is a good example for those kids?


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Your life is too short on this earth to play this game. End the marriage, fix yourself and start to love yourself. Find someone that makes you very happy to wake up every morning. Repeat.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

You hit the nail on the head!

It's just hard to call it quits over 3 months of hell. Before this, there weren't problems. He had NEVER treated me like this during our 9 years. 

I will continue to go to MC and if things continue to stay the same and aren't looking better within a couple months, then I know I did my best. Besides, for the kids, I want to know I did everything I could possibly do- so I can walk away with my head held high.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> You hit the nail on the head!
> 
> It's just hard to call it quits over 3 months of hell. Before this, there weren't problems. He had NEVER treated me like this during our 9 years.
> 
> I will continue to go to MC and if things continue to stay the same and aren't looking better within a couple months, then I know I did my best. Besides, for the kids, I want to know I did everything I could possibly do- so I can walk away with my head held high.


I can understand wanting to try your best. Have you explained to him that if he doesn't become an active participant and straighten up that he stands to lose you and his family? He may be taking the stance that you're allowing this and will indefinitely.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

He knows and most of the time doesn't care. He's set to move on and live the life that me and the kids "took" from him.

The only time that I was talking to "him" was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. He initiated a hug from me, told me he loves me, wants our marriage to work out, he's tired of not talking/holding/fighting me. We had a GOOD 2 hours of what we were going to do from here on out. Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.

jerk.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

"When is enough enough?"

When you realize your inner self and who you are as a person are dying a slow and painful death...


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> "When is enough enough?"
> 
> When you realize your inner self and who you are as a person are dying a slow and painful death...



So true. I'm almost there.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> He knows and most of the time doesn't care. He's set to move on and live the life that me and the kids "took" from him.
> 
> The only time that I was talking to "him" was the Sunday after Thanksgiving. He initiated a hug from me, told me he loves me, wants our marriage to work out, he's tired of not talking/holding/fighting me. We had a GOOD 2 hours of what we were going to do from here on out. Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.
> 
> jerk.


He is a jerk - where was he over the weekend? The change in behavior makes me think he was in touch/contact with the OW. 

Does he give you access to his phone, text records and email accounts?


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

I had a lot more patience when I had more faith in him and thought the depression was because we were in a slump. I can deal with marriage low points. 

But, when I feel like the clues keep coming and as of last night feel like (once again) it's being dangled in my face. Not cool. They're lucky that I'm a lot classier then them.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

He is stationed 2 hours away. He stays out there during the week and comes home on the weekends. 

Yes, I have access to all accounts, phones, etc. What I don't have access to is work accounts. Which is where they communicate.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Ah..yes, the "we're just friends" line...I think the majority of us BS's have heard that line...sadly I believed it until a week later I saw the emails between H and his OW...you usually do not say I will love you forever and I can't wait until I can spend the rest of my life with you to a "friend":scratchhead:


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## littlegreengirl (Dec 5, 2012)

Trust your instinct. It's enough when one day you wake up and you can't remember the last time you laughed for no reason because your spending so much time surviving the marriage.
Here's some of my story.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Yeah. "just friends", glad he thinks so low of me, like I'm going to roll over and believe that one.

I can play nice and do my part. But, I'm not a dummy. He should know better.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> Then he came home this past weekend and was back to his ****ty self.


Do you have any reason to believe he could have been talking/seeing another woman right before he came back?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

He's definitely not committed to working on your marriage which brings the question about what is he focused on right now?


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Last week? No, I don't for sure. But, it wouldn't be hard. When I asked him if he was done talking to her, he shook his head yes and walked off like I wasn't talking to him.

So, I know he did- just from that. I know my husband, he runs when lying. When he's not, he'll stand his ground.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> I had a lot more patience when I had more faith in him and thought the depression was because we were in a slump. I can deal with marriage low points.
> 
> But, when I feel like the clues keep coming and as of last night feel like (once again) it's being dangled in my face. Not cool. They're lucky that I'm a lot classier then them.


I have been with a man that belittles me at times and disrespects me but he has NEVER said to me that another female was worth our marriage. I cant imagine how you can hear that and not hate him, atleast a little. What a terrible and hurtful thing to say. I would suggest doing the 180 so that you can become stronger in mind and so that the things he says that are so hurtful dont hurt 'as much'.

Im sorry you are here!


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> He's definitely not committed to working on your marriage which brings the question about what is he focused on right now?



Himself. Not the kids. Not me. Just him.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> Himself. Not the kids. Not me. Just him.


I don't think it's just himself. I think he's still completely buried in his affair partner. 

There's no point in pursuing marriage counseling until he commits to stop communicating with her.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Want to hear something twisted...

If you leave him, he will choose you.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Is your husband clinically depressed, you know, diagnosed as depressed, and is he receiving any treatment, i.e.; meds, counseling?


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I have been with a man that belittles me at times and disrespects me but he has NEVER said to me that another female was worth our marriage. I cant imagine how you can hear that and not hate him, atleast a little. What a terrible and hurtful thing to say. I would suggest doing the 180 so that you can become stronger in mind and so that the things he says that are so hurtful dont hurt 'as much'.
> 
> Im sorry you are here!


Trust me. After some of things he has said, I DO hate him. But, it's not all about me right now. 

I have started the 180. I am focused on the kids and myself. I'm getting set up to start school in Jan. I'm getting finances set up to where I can handle the house/bills on my own. He can do as he pleases, because he'll do it anyway.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Want to hear something twisted...
> 
> If you leave him, he will choose you.


Then let him. Because by time he "chooses" me, it may be too late. That time is rapidly approaching.

And, this sounded snarky towards you, but it wasn't.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

bobka said:


> Is your husband clinically depressed, you know, diagnosed as depressed, and is he receiving any treatment, i.e.; meds, counseling?


He is in IC and started meds 2 weeks ago. He was started on Zoloft and that messed with him, so he is now on celexa.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

keepmyfamily said:


> Then let him. Because by time he "chooses" me, it may be too late. That time is rapidly approaching.
> 
> And, this sounded snarky towards you, but it wasn't.


No, It didn't sound snarky. Not at all. I understand.

Keep that spirit. Your going to be alright.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

The part that hurts the most is how in the hell can someone do this to their kids?? 

My heart hurts the most for these 4 innocent people who's lives are going to be turned upside down. It's maddening!


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

You leave when the person tells you they don't care and no longer love you. 
You to him are a stranger. When I see strangers on the street I care not how they feel, nor do I love them.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

Your kids lives may not exactly be turned upside down. Yes, they will be affected, as their environment will be changing but you will be happier, and when you are happier you will be able to take better care of your children. Your children will still see their father, and will grow up knowing who he is. You...don't need to stay with the father. You...have a life ahead of you. Do you really want to look back and realize you've spent another 20 years next to someone who doesn't love you, simply so he could live in the same household as his children? I mean, if he was so concerned for his children, he wouldn't have done things with splitting the household being one of the main consequences. 
You have to ask yourself, 'Well, What about me?" "When do I get to be happy?"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> When I asked him to cut off contact, it turned into a no way, she's my friend, you're controlling, I need my space/privacy and (the best) YES, her friendship is worth our marriage.


There. Right there. That's when you say enough is enough. 

He has done you the great favor of telling you, upfront and to your face, that you and your children and everything your family has built together over the years are worth less to him than this woman. Sit and think about that hard for a few minutes. Really let that concept marinate around in your brain. Then thank him for his honesty, file for divorce, change the locks and pack his stuff into bags for him to pick up at the curb. 


BTW, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I've been there and I know how much it sucks.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When I asked him to cut off contact, it turned into a no way, she's my friend, you're controlling, I need my space/privacy *and (the best) YES, her friendship is worth our marriage.*

That comment would be the last straw from my point of view. That tells you everything you need to know. 

Do the 180 on him and start divorce preparations. If he comes around and shows true remorse - by his actions, then you can reconsider. But be prepared to go through with it if he doesn't. You deserve better.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

Point taken everyone. 

You have all said what is bouncing around in my mind and heart. It doesn't make the situation any easier, but it does help. Thank you.

I have already come up with what I'm going to tell him on Sat. in our next counseling appt. I hate what I have become the last few weeks, over someone that doesn't give a [email protected] anymore.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

How are you doing?


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

All things considered, I'm doing good.

I told him over the weekend I was done with his [email protected] That I want to work on our marriage, but it needs to be a joint effort. And, if it wasn't, then we were done. He is now reaching out to me. They are little things and I'm not taking them for anything, yet. I need more.

I went to my first therapy appt. today and at the end she asked why I was there, that I seemed strong and to have my head on straight and handling things the way I should. That gave me the push I needed to be me again. 

One day at a time.

Thanks for asking.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Good, I'm glad to hear you're reclaiming your voice a bit at a time. Stay strong and remain firm about your needs. You'll be ok. Reach out and vent here as you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> YES, her friendship is worth our marriage.


I'm out...


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

He finally admitted to cheating... for at least the past 8 months. He says it wasn't physical, I call bs. He spent months lying to my face as if I didn't have a clue, seriously, give me a little credit.

And, I'm pretty sure he's been reading my posts on here. If so, I hope it's good reading. You really should read more in this section of the forum.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

How did you figure out he is here?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

He casually mentioned it a couple weeks ago.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Well this is the trickle truth part. He is only going to tell you what he thinks he needs to tell you to get by.

Tell him he needs to give you her name, email, phone number now. If he wants to work on the marriage then he needs to write a NC letter to her and give it to you to send.

Expose the A to his family and yours. Tell them what you know because he admited to it and then tell them what you suspect.


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

He's in fantasy land with her. She "saved" him and the grass is greener. He's ready to have perfection and a fun, happy, carefree life with her.

He sat in MC on Saturday saying he was going to put forth the effort for us and on Sunday he left earlier than normal so he could "be" with her. Like I had no idea what was going on.

As for all the info, I have it and he knows I do. That's why he "confessed", because I said I was going to give her a call.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> He's in fantasy land with her. She "saved" him and the grass is greener. He's ready to have perfection and a fun, happy, carefree life with her.
> 
> He sat in MC on Saturday saying he was going to put forth the effort for us and on Sunday he left earlier than normal so he could "be" with her. Like I had no idea what was going on.
> 
> As for all the info, I have it and he knows I do. That's why he "confessed", because I said I was going to give her a call.


So where do things stand with the marriage? Are you going to still try to work on it or is it not worth it?

Obviously he isnt going to stop seeing her if he's leaving early, etc.

Sometimes it takes losing everything you have before you realize what an idiot you are, and Im not talking about you either!


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

I don't have it in me anymore. He lied to me over and over again for months as I stood there knowing everything. And, no matter what I said, I was still "crazy", "didn't know what I was talking about" and was "REALLY good at making things up in my head."

If he wants fantasy over reality. He can have it. Like I've told him over and over, I'm not playing these games. I'm not coming in any less than first. And, I'm sure as hell not going to let them walk all over my babies. 

He'll have to learn on his own that life isn't rainbows at every turn and if he feels the need to run out and find someone new in a rough spot of our marriage, then by all means- go for it. I can't control what he says, does or wants and I don't want to. It should just be a given, you got married, had kids and should do your part to make sure that WE are happy and making a good life for us and our kids.

He had the nerve to be bothered by the fact that I am making plans for a life without him, that I'm going back to school and that I'll be OK without him. That takes balls considering what he's been doing.

He, also, said if I wanted to play hardball (contacting anyone) that he would have no problem leaving us high and dry. 6 months and 1 day... that's all it takes for a divorce to be complete is what I was told last night. Awesome.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

keepmyfamily said:


> I don't have it in me anymore. He lied to me over and over again for months as I stood there knowing everything. And, no matter what I said, I was still "crazy", "didn't know what I was talking about" and was "REALLY good at making things up in my head."
> 
> If he wants fantasy over reality. He can have it. Like I've told him over and over, I'm not playing these games. I'm not coming in any less than first. And, I'm sure as hell not going to let them walk all over my babies.
> 
> ...



Sure says alot about a mans character to even let those words slip out of his mouth. He will leave you high and dry if you contact anyone..WOW!! What is he saying about his kids? You realize thats just a way for him to control you, right? He feels like he doesnt have control so he panics and says whatever comes to mind. Sadly he's speaking huge volumes about the value he places on his kids to say such a think. 

Im in a different situation then you, and Ive put up with ALOT of stuff but I'd be tempted to test him on that one. I have a hard time passing up a dare!!


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

What a jerk! My husband too has threatened that I will have nothing if I leave him and he won't let me divorce him until infer a fulltime job so he won't have to pay! Guess what? My lawyer says what he wants and what the law will make him do are two different things. It doesn't look like your husband is showing remorse. Or trying to change. I know this stuff is hard! Wishing you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Sure says alot about a mans character to even let those words slip out of his mouth. He will leave you high and dry if you contact anyone..WOW!! What is he saying about his kids? You realize thats just a way for him to control you, right? He feels like he doesnt have control so he panics and says whatever comes to mind. Sadly he's speaking huge volumes about the value he places on his kids to say such a think.
> 
> Im in a different situation then you, and Ive put up with ALOT of stuff but I'd be tempted to test him on that one. I have a hard time passing up a dare!!


Character? Values? Morals?

He's lost all of those. His loss, not mine. I get to walk away with mine intact. It's a great feeling. 

I know the things he's saying are panic and him trying to gain control again. He thought he was on top of the world when he thought I had no idea. 

I suggested that we only separate (until I'm done with school) for a few different reasons (medical ins. for me and my oldest son being one of them.) He basically told me he couldn't care less if we had ins. and there was no way he was staying married to me, after all, "what IF he found the perfect person and wanted to marry them?" 

I brought up that he take care of us financially (while I go through school) so the kids can stay in their house, schools, friends and with the dr.'s, therapists, etc. that they have grown to know and work well with. The way I worked it out, we can do it, we'll be tight on both ends but the end result of me finishing school and making good money (compared to next to nothing if I was to go straight to work now). He laughed at me. He has no problem leaving me to fend for myself and 4 kids, while he sits on skype all day and tries to figure out how to not have his text messages show up on the phone bill (which makes absolutely NO sense, since I know they are talking). It's disgusting the person he has turned into. But, then again, this person was probably always there. I'm just relieved I was saved from another 10, 20, 50 years of this.

He's, also, trying to figure out how to transfer to be where she is. And, a laughable moment, a few months ago he suggested we all go. Someone likes their cake...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm sorry - that is horrible. Have you already talked to an attorney?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If you have no consulted an attorney - do it ASAP. Consultation is usually free and they can tell you what to expect. File for divorce and make sure your attorney knows about the affair. 

Your husband sounds like a certified A-hole. 

Did you mention his job? You did say he was stationed elsewhere. Military?


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## keepmyfamily (Nov 16, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Your husband sounds like a certified A-hole.
> 
> Did you mention his job? You did say he was stationed elsewhere. Military?


Yup.

Yes, he is stationed 2 hours from us. So, he was coming home on the weekends and staying out there during the week. He's now hoping to transfer out of state so he can be with her. 

As long as he's happy, then all is right in the world.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The father of four children? These are the actions of a selfish boy, not a grown man.

This will sound like a cliche' at a time when you're hurting, but you're the one who hit the jackpot because you have your children. You'll look back on the years with your H & the emotional abuse that he's dishing out & you'll have the love of your family and a solid life. 

I hope you get to a lawyer soon & take some real control of your future.


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