# A wife's advice to all the husbands



## Crickets (Sep 2, 2015)

I'm seeing a lot of posts from husbands whose wives are uninterested in sex. I am a wife who loves her husband but dismally uninterested in sex. Which is what made me come to this forum to begin with. So before Anon Pink tells everyone to get divorced, I hope I can give some insight from the other side of the fence. My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head. As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****. And when he does certain things, like caress my back, or gentle kisses, I know he's only doing it because he wants to ****. And I don't want to just have sex. I want to be really loved. Sometimes his way of showing affection is by rubbing my back, but he does it so roughly and while I'm sleeping! I know if I tell my husband this he would say "what's the point, it's not like I can do anything to make you want me" But that's not true. Women need to feel certain things, safe, respected, cared for, trusted, secure... these are the things that make us want to be with you. There are other things like excitement/adrenaline, joy, laughter... the positive things that should outweigh the annoying things. I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things. Make her feel in other ways. Spend some time and very gently touch her all over, but not with the intention of intercourse. Sex is in our minds, it's a head game so you have to break through in that way. I hope that makes sense. In my opinion, the problem for women is that we can't offer you any guidance here. My husband knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways. I know that sex should be a by-product of other things and it's fueled by emotion, but how to define those other things and emotions, it may be different for everyone. So there's my rant. One thing I realized in my own experience is that the physical interaction of sex is a smaller part of something else. I think men enjoy sex more too when they have the other aspects as well.


----------



## Quigster (Aug 1, 2015)

Crickets said:


> As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me.


I had to do a double-take to make sure you weren't my wife, posting here. Because this is totally her to a tee. (I can do things perfectly all day long, and at 9:36 p.m. I make one wrong move, like loading the dishwasher incorrectly, and suddenly that's the reason she has to punish me and withhhold sex that night.)



> I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things.


This is great advice. Worst-case scenario, I'll try it and nothing will come of it, and I'll be no worse off. Thank you.


Quigster


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sounds transactional to me. Does your husband not have any redeeming qualities? It sounds like even the sight of him repulses you. You are annoyed by him because of his back hair? The notion that you have to fill up your own gas tank annoys you too?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
OP, I'm sorry you feel unloved in your relationship. Was it always like this or did he change, or did you? Sometimes these problems build on each other - a lack of intimacy can make him feel frustrated and unloved - so he becomes less loving in return and things just snowball. Maybe though he has just stopped trying - or did he every try.

If your husband became romantic and loving, do you think you would enjoy sex with him again? 

Not all sexless or sex-starved marriages are like yours though. Many of the men here do all the things you talk about and their wives are still no interested. I do. We sit on the balcony holding hands watching the sunset. She gets back rubs, kisses, hugs, etc - with no pressure for sex. She gets flowers at home, and by surprise at the office. We take romantic trips together, an generally have at least one "date night" a week. It is nothing I am doing or not doing. It is not her fault. She just doesn't want sex. 

For people with a healthy desire for sex, this is difficult to imagine, but for many of us it is the reality of our lives.


----------



## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

I'll give some advice as well to both men and women.......

If you're in a relationship like the first 2 posters above - you need to find a new relationship. No one should have to spend their life walking on eggshells in order to get their needs met......whether they are physical or emotional needs. Most couples in a healthy, loving relationship gladly try to meet each others needs.

I can't imagine a worse existence. You spend all day doing chores perfectly, shaving whatever, in the "hopes" of getting sex that night. One screw up and that's it.....nothing for you. How sad!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I hate my wife. I also love her and would kill and die for her. I have issues. People are complex.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Stopped reading when you had a go at AP, she tends to give excellent, informative detailed thoughts and does not come across as saying divorce is the only answer.

Hope you get some advice that suits you.


----------



## Tobin (Jun 24, 2015)

Crickets said:


> My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head.


This is YOUR issue. When you can't stay out of your own head, it's because you've let stress and ongoing issues get the best of you. 

That's why therapists advise you work on yourself before trying to have a relationship.

All of the faults your husband suddenly has..were always there. It's you who can suddenly no longer tolerate them, for reasons that likely have little or nothing to do with him.


----------



## Crickets (Sep 2, 2015)

Quigster said:


> Crickets said:
> 
> 
> > As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me.
> ...


 Ha... yeah the dish washer thing... guilty. I hope it does work for you. I don't think she means to punish you. If you can pull her out of her own thoughts, and find a way to be her escape from reality, you win.


----------



## Crickets (Sep 2, 2015)

Personal said:


> Crickets said:
> 
> 
> > I'm seeing a lot of posts from husbands whose wives are uninterested in sex. I am a wife who loves her husband but dismally uninterested in sex. Which is what made me come to this forum to begin with. So before Anon Pink tells everyone to get divorced, I hope I can give some insight from the other side of the fence. My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head. As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****. And when he does certain things, like caress my back, or gentle kisses, I know he's only doing it because he wants to ****. And I don't want to just have sex. I want to be really loved. Sometimes his way of showing affection is by rubbing my back, but he does it so roughly and while I'm sleeping! I know if I tell my husband this he would say "what's the point, it's not like I can do anything to make you want me" But that's not true. Women need to feel certain things, safe, respected, cared for, trusted, secure... these are the things that make us want to be with you. There are other things like excitement/adrenaline, joy, laughter... the positive things that should outweigh the annoying things. I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things. Make her feel in other ways. Spend some time and very gently touch her all over, but not with the intention of intercourse. Sex is in our minds, it's a head game so you have to break through in that way. I hope that makes sense. In my opinion, the problem for women is that we can't offer you any guidance here. My husband knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways. I know that sex should be a by-product of other things and it's fueled by emotion, but how to define those other things and emotions, it may be different for everyone. So there's my rant. One thing I realized in my own experience is that the physical interaction of sex is a smaller part of something else. I think men enjoy sex more too when they have the other aspects as well.
> ...


Ouch. I'm not sure what an STI is. I'm new to the whole forum thing, so I don't know the acronyms, but I was looking for help here, I see a lot of people are trying to figure things out too. So I hope we all do. 

I'm not casting any stones and I don't wish most of what I went through on anyone here, and I'll just leave it at that.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Cricket, where you fail in your arguement is that your lover, onLy had to work on your mind...he did not have to put gas in your car, or take out the garage or other trivial task that makes you feel whole....And just what are you doing to make your husband feel special....shame on you


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So, you have demonized your husband to yourself, as well as some posters, to excuse the FACT you are a serial cheater.



Thanks for reinforcing the stereotype, which causes many a fight on this website, if your spouse becomes LD they must be investigated for or are cheating.

Time to go.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

STI = STD sexually transmitted infection/decease.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are two ways to take what you have written.

One is that you are unreasonable, you micro evaluate what your husband does/says and you take no responsibly for your own happiness. Instead you expect him to jump through loops and walk on egg shells until he finally finds the magic that will finally make you happy. This is basically emotional abuse on your part. When there is one spouse who does not want sex with their spouse, this sort of abuse is used to make sure that sex never happens. It’s a passive aggressive way to punish the spouse. Both men and women use this tactic about equally.

The other way of taking it is that your husband is not meeting your emotional needs. He might be clueless. It’s not unusual for one or both spouse to not understand that both non-sexual and sexual intimacy are equally important. It turns into a situation that spirals down. The more your non-sexual needs are not met, the less you will fill his sexual needs. The more his sexual needs are not met, the less he will feel like filling your non-sexual needs. And now you are in a dead lock.

The problem with this is that when a person’s emotional needs are not met, they lose interest in their spouse. It can get to the point where they do not want to be touched. Their spouse cannot do anything right. 
Whichever of the above is your situation… here you are now in a marriage where you are pissed off all the time. You don’t want anything do to with your husband. And he’s not happy either. One of you is going to have to give up your strongly held position in this battle to fix your marriage.

If you want to fix your marriage, you are going to have to look at all those things about him that bother you so much and decide which are truly important and which are just things that you use to maintain control over him. 

Look at the things you listed about him and you get upset about. How much of that is a real problem? Most of it looks like you are just picking on him. You need to find the few, very few things that are important and deal with those. All the rest…. Learn to deal, find solutions.

There are two books that I think will help you: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agree with Elle above and cheating is most definitely not the way to go imo, you have already brought a third party/parties into your marriage, no wonder your head is all screwed up.

I feel for your poor husband. I don't know what makes you think marriage is all about receiving, it is also about giving, even when you don't feel like it. It is not always about feelings but commitment. Heck if you have kids you know the feeling that you most definitely do not want to get up at 3 am and bottle feed the baby but you do it because you are committed to taking care of him/her. Marriage is a bit like that, we don't get want we want all the time but we do the best we can in meeting our SO half way at least, it is about some sacrifice, give and take.


----------



## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

I don't take advice from unrepentant liars or serial cheaters or those in an unsatisfying nonsexual marriage. No thanks. Your advice is all bull$hit too.

Why on earth would you think you had advice to offer that would take someone somewhere different than to the hell you are in?


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Crickets, you know you have lost "that feeling" for your old man. That's why you cheated and sexually experimented. Why don't you just come right out and say it? If he's anything like you describe, who can blame you.
I know your offering your experience as advice to other men as to how women feel. Just don't get your hopes up that its going to have a positive impact your marriage and/or your opinion of your husband is somehow going to change. It won't and you're done, even if you don't know it yet. I think it your last hurrah malady.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Jumping through these kind of hoops is a waste of time. It never works even though ld women claim it's what they want.


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

All I can say is WOW, you have affairs and withhold sex from your H for the most trivial, bs reasons and then wonder why he won't meet your emotional needs.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

There aren't that many ld women, there are women who aren't into you. Doing these things will work on a woman who's into you, but if she's not then it won't work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

This thread is almost a perfect case study for a great deal of relationships. The first post is presented nicely and reads SO WELL. But then you dig a little deeper and you quickly see some things do not reconcile very well. Then you want to think it can work, but then the more you sit back and think, the more you scratch your head and loose faith in the world. 

I'll chalk this one up to, "life is messy" and leave it at that. 

Badsanta


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I started off reading the OP as "under appreciated woman finally loses attraction for husband after hundreds of tiny slights."

it's understandable in theory how this could happen.

Then I thought about all of the times I have personally (and have personally seen other men) behave like 100 percent @ssholes and still had women be interested in sex.

Then I realized that, as sensible in theory as OPs post was, it is really just confusing cause and effect.

If OP was actually attracted to her husband, she wouldn't even notice all of these little things.

It is only BECAUSE she is not attracted to him that she finds all of these "reasons" why she's not attracted.

This is the cold truth. 

I am certain OP does not give a sh-t about whether her affair partner(s) clean up after themselves.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

naiveonedave said:


> All I can say is WOW, you have affairs and withhold sex from your H for the most trivial, bs reasons and then wonder why he won't meet your emotional needs.


Gaining a bunch of weight and playing video games until 2 am when he's ready for sex and then going in to wake her up is hardly trivial. That reeks of a selfish ahole.

Having said that affairs are not the answer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Anon1111 said:


> It is only BECAUSE she is not attracted to him that she finds all of these "reasons" why she's not attracted.
> 
> This is the cold truth.
> 
> I am certain OP does not give a sh-t about whether her affair partner(s) clean up after themselves.


This brings to mind a psychological study where participants were asked to fill out a survey about various political/moral opinions, then afterwards were asked to provide justifications for their beliefs.

However, in the time period between the two steps, half of the surveys were tweaked so that one or two of the answers on the survey were different from what they had originally put down. Still, more often than not the participants were still up to the task of justifying the 'choice'.

My takeaway from this and other studies is, as you said, people tend to come to emotional conclusions first, and match the reasons up later. Also, the meat computers in our heads are seriously flawed.


----------



## McDean (Jun 13, 2015)

This response will appear a little harsh but so be it.....Crickets, your view is lazy and dishonest. Men (and women on the flip side) should not have to invest inordinate amounts of time 'trying to figure out' what makes the other one happy or turned on, especially when: you are long past the get to know you and dating stage, you're both busy with full time jobs/kids/hobbies etc., you're adults who (unless your mute) can TALK with these things called WORDS. The absence of this smacks of lazy, if you have communicated needs and he hasn't worked on them or helped then he is lazy as well.

Now for the liar part. Long before I got married I operated under the belief that all women are as sexual as I am but do have more hurdles in place in many cases because of society etc. Rarely did I find evidence to the contrary unless a medical issue was involved. The cheating clearly reflects this belief has some merit. One night stands are the clearest evidence because I am pretty sure those guys did none of the things you listed in the original post other than flatter and pay attention to them, and of course a base attraction existed.

The saddest part of this dialogue is there are men and women who truly suffer from a low libido and can't figure out why but in every other way have a wonder relationship with the SO and it makes them look like they keep sex from others as a punishment. Conversations like this imply the other spouse is to blame for a low libido, sometimes it may be the case but then your post is about someone not appreciating you, not why you with hold sex and/or cheat on your spouse....last I checked nobody is a mind reader and should not be expected to figure it out without help.....


----------



## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

I thought it strange that you withhold sex for long periods of time, but expect your husband to rub your back and all over your body with no thoughts of sex. That would be tough for a sexual person to do. Let's experiment, don't eat for a week, then cook a big meal with no expectations of actually eating it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Seriously if I'm going to take advice from a woman on how to have sex with my wife, it's going to be from a woman who actually has sex with her husband. A faithful one at that.


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

It seems to me that you no longer love or even like your husband. That is why you are so irritated by all those small things. You should just tell him what he has done to irritate you and not to hope for sex that night. 

Everyone of us have nasty little habits. Should that stop our partners from loving and treating us with respect. This comes down to liking and respecting the people we share our lives with. It seems to me that you scorn him and put him down too much in your mind. That's why you cant get out of your head. It's not your husband it's you.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Seriously if I'm going to take advice from a woman on how to have sex with my wife, it's going to be from a woman who actually has sex with her husband. A faithful one at that.


We have sex and I'm faithful. Just saying.

But my hb has a hot body and doesn't wake me up when he's done playing video games. Among other great qualities he has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> We have sex and I'm faithful. Just saying.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



And I give your advice a lot of weight. Not that I'm sexless by any stretch.


----------



## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

Crickets said:


> I'm seeing a lot of posts from husbands whose wives are uninterested in sex. I am a wife who loves her husband but dismally uninterested in sex. Which is what made me come to this forum to begin with. So before Anon Pink tells everyone to get divorced, I hope I can give some insight from the other side of the fence. My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head. As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****. And when he does certain things, like caress my back, or gentle kisses, I know he's only doing it because he wants to ****. And I don't want to just have sex. I want to be really loved. Sometimes his way of showing affection is by rubbing my back, but he does it so roughly and while I'm sleeping! I know if I tell my husband this he would say "what's the point, it's not like I can do anything to make you want me" But that's not true. Women need to feel certain things, safe, respected, cared for, trusted, secure... these are the things that make us want to be with you. There are other things like excitement/adrenaline, joy, laughter... the positive things that should outweigh the annoying things. I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things. Make her feel in other ways. Spend some time and very gently touch her all over, but not with the intention of intercourse. Sex is in our minds, it's a head game so you have to break through in that way. I hope that makes sense. In my opinion, the problem for women is that we can't offer you any guidance here. My husband knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways. I know that sex should be a by-product of other things and it's fueled by emotion, but how to define those other things and emotions, it may be different for everyone. So there's my rant. One thing I realized in my own experience is that the physical interaction of sex is a smaller part of something else. I think men enjoy sex more too when they have the other aspects as well.


This is EXACTLY how my wife is. Thank you for posting.
I agree with you 100% and this is exactly what I have been trying to say in another post.
My contention is that if your husband was doing everything he was supposed to do, being in tune with what YOU need to get horny you would be all over him and make Jenna Jamison look like a virgin.

Edit:
I am not condoning cheating or the like and I don't know all your history.
Just replying to this one original post on this thread.
I understand where you are coming from.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> And I give your advice a lot of weight. Not that I'm sexless by any stretch.


That's nice of you say. I know I'm a sledgehammer without a filter quite often :grin2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Crickets, you know you have lost "that feeling" for your old man. That's why you cheated and sexually experimented. Why don't you just come right out and say it? If he's anything like you describe, who can blame you.
> I know your offering your experience as advice to other men as to how women feel. Just don't get your hopes up that its going to have a positive impact your marriage and/or your opinion of your husband is somehow going to change. It won't and you're done, even if you don't know it yet. I think it your last hurrah malady.


This ^ x 100
@Crickets, I read your other thread and then this one. You are giving your husband way too much credit. He's just not going to change. Deep down in your heart, you know this. It's why you nitpick his faults. 

Are you sure that you're not withholding sex in the hopes that he'll do the dirty work of initiating divorce?

BTW, I cringed when you described how he fingers you while you're sleeping. Have you told him how unacceptable this behavior is to you? If you don't speak up, how else is he supposed to get the message?

Lastly, stop with the affairs. They only add more people to your already troubled relationship.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> I started off reading the OP as "under appreciated woman finally loses attraction for husband after hundreds of tiny slights."
> 
> it's understandable in theory how this could happen.
> 
> ...


I disagree to, partially.

I do agree that if a woman (or man) just complains about many, many trivial things related to their spouse it's a good indicator that they just are no longer attracted to their spouse.

However, if among those things there are significant, real complaints then there are real problems. Her husband put on a lot of weight. He plays video games until 2am. He wakes her in the middle of the night for sex instead of having seeking it in a way that she can still get a good nights sleep. He does nothing to actually please her sexually. He does not spend quality time with her.

These are not trivial things. These are significant.

But in either case, it can be fixed. It's easiest to fix if both are willing to do the work. But it can also be fixed with just one spouse making unilateral changes because those unilateral changes will force the other to change.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Crickets,

Are you still participating in this thread? 

If so, I have some questions I'd like to ask you.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Crickets,
> 
> Are you still participating in this thread?
> 
> If so, I have some questions I'd like to ask you.


Looks like a drive by hand grenade.


----------



## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

It does sound like you're looking for an excuse to not have sex? I did crack up at the other posters comment about being "good" all day and screwing up just prior to bedtime and being withheld sex.
Sometimes you can actually do everything right and then some and they still aren't interested, it's all about where your focus is and if you care enough to keep the flame alive? Men having to be perfect all the time or they won't get their "treat" is such a joke. I'm so thankful I got to the point where I don't care about this anymore, you can drive yourself nuts jumping through hoops, like I did for years. IF two people truly love each other, they will look for ways to have sex, instead of ways to get out of it. Once cheating occurs, all advice is null and void concerning sex with their spouse. Unless you've been on the other end, like me and others, with my ex, cheaters will never "get it"!.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The lady doth protest too much, methinks


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well there you go, picked it straight up with the OP, blame shifter. You had a go at another member here, were all "poor me" and it turns out you are a huge part of your own problems.

I'll say it, get divorced, your marriage is toxic.


----------



## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Crickets said:


> As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****.



I must ask, is he your servant? Is there a reason you can't put gas in the car and pay a bill? How about his back, is he supposed to do that by himself. Why don't you remove it for him, I did for mine.

There is so much more to say here, but I will leave it as ...I feel sorry for your husband, as well as a lot of the men who aren't getting any and are afraid to make one wrong move.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I just can't figure out for the life of me why the OP thinks divorce is off the table.

If she's so miserable as to have posted here and carried on with her extramarital affairs, why the heck does she want to stay with her Husband? If half the stuff she said is true, she should get the heck out of that marriage now


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I tried to please my wife once, doing everything I could to show her I loved her while she withheld sex for months, unless she happened to be in the mood. 

I was rewarded with absolutely terrible treatment. I would assert that most men would have divorced, and they would have been completely justified. 

Well, one day, tragedy struck. I suffered multiple organ failure. Including the heart. And I realized what true hell really is:


Living a lie, only to wake up one day and know that not only did you lose everything, you never had any of it to begin with because you denied your very identity and therefore never loved another soul. 


OP, you do not love your husband. You don't love yourself either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brownmale (Apr 20, 2015)

If you find a new relationship, it will work fine... for the first two years.

Then you'll probably be back at starting point. With everything not working, again.

Sorry for being so cynical.



Youngster said:


> I'll give some advice as well to both men and women.......
> 
> If you're in a relationship like the first 2 posters above - you need to find a new relationship. No one should have to spend their life walking on eggshells in order to get their needs met......whether they are physical or emotional needs. Most couples in a healthy, loving relationship gladly try to meet each others needs.
> 
> I can't imagine a worse existence. You spend all day doing chores perfectly, shaving whatever, in the "hopes" of getting sex that night. One screw up and that's it.....nothing for you. How sad!


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

As'laDain said:


> I tried to please my wife once, doing everything I could to show her I loved her while she withheld sex for months, unless she happened to be in the mood.
> 
> I was rewarded with absolutely terrible treatment. I would assert that most men would have divorced, and they would have been completely justified.
> 
> ...


QFT.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Crickets said:


> I'm seeing a lot of posts from husbands whose wives are uninterested in sex. I am a wife who loves her husband but dismally uninterested in sex. Which is what made me come to this forum to begin with. So before Anon Pink tells everyone to get divorced, I hope I can give some insight from the other side of the fence. My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head. As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****. And when he does certain things, like caress my back, or gentle kisses, I know he's only doing it because he wants to ****. And I don't want to just have sex. I want to be really loved. Sometimes his way of showing affection is by rubbing my back, but he does it so roughly and while I'm sleeping! I know if I tell my husband this he would say "what's the point, it's not like I can do anything to make you want me" But that's not true. Women need to feel certain things, safe, respected, cared for, trusted, secure... these are the things that make us want to be with you. There are other things like excitement/adrenaline, joy, laughter... the positive things that should outweigh the annoying things. I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things. Make her feel in other ways. Spend some time and very gently touch her all over, but not with the intention of intercourse. Sex is in our minds, it's a head game so you have to break through in that way. I hope that makes sense. In my opinion, the problem for women is that we can't offer you any guidance here. My husband knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways. I know that sex should be a by-product of other things and it's fueled by emotion, but how to define those other things and emotions, it may be different for everyone. So there's my rant. One thing I realized in my own experience is that the physical interaction of sex is a smaller part of something else. I think men enjoy sex more too when they have the other aspects as well.


While I understand your sentiment and motivation, and applaud your attempt to bring enlightenment, do you not understand that you yourself are playing into the exact dynamic that you're railing against?

Because when I read this I translated it to "my husband must do everything I want perfectly for me to even consider having sex with him."

Which is in fact, making everything about sex, which is what your problem is.

Your husband does not exist to jump through hoops for you. You are not the ringleader of his sexual circus.

And sooner or later, there will be a negative outcome as a consequence. It's simple karma.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She is still in a relationship with one or more of her affair partners as well.

Could easily be getting in her way to forming a better connection with her husband.

She refuses to admit her cheating and how she is dealing with it could be contributing to the pathetic state of her marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Why should the fact that my wife did a half dozen things today that put me off, or pissed me off prevent me from wanting to have sex with her? Some of our best sex has been after a spirited discussion.....Finding fault with your partner is the first symptom of a lagging sex drive...


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> QFT.


Help! What's QFT?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Quoted For Truth.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I always thought it was "Quite f***ing true" :grin2:


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My take on this is that I lived this, as the husband, and it's no damn fun, let me tell ya.

That said, what I've read about the husband in this case is not exactly flattering, and although I was not perfect, I didn't do the things he's accused of doing, either (except having body hair!)

Regardless, my ex wife lost respect for me at some point along that road, much like OP has lost respect for hers. The reasons why are rather moot, with the point being that the respect is gone in the end, and you wind up like this.

Like OP, my ex wife also went outside the marriage to validate herself and her unattraction to me, and to justify how she felt - rather than communicate with me about what was missing for her and allowing me the chance to even try to fix it.

What that screamed to me was lack of respect from the get-go, not just a sudden, or even gradual, loss of it towards me.

I always thought I was a good partner and husband to her. I was thoughtful and encouraging, and on her side with everything, and very attentive. But that's the catch-22, isn't it? It made me appear passive and I presented little challenge to her. Some women want a partner like me, others don't. Sometimes you don't learn this until it's too late.

But the hurtful thing about marriages like this are all the little things that annoy the one partner, and are used as excuses to justify this, that or the other thing.

With my second (current) marriage, things are different. I present a challenge to my wife, and even though she resists sometimes, she does often tell me she's grateful that I push her to be better (and vice versa), especially in regards to communication. But at the same time, I'm also encouraging and loving and thoughtful.

When I neglect to do something, I don't get jumped on. When I don't do something "right", I don't get jumped on. I also have body hair (not much!) which my wife (like most women) isn't a huge fan of, but it's not an issue. My ex wife found my body/chest hair gross, and told me so. She didn't like my clothes, my haircut, or I had bad breath. My shoes were ugly, I made too much noise when I slept (although I didn't snore???). I didn't do this right, or that well enough, or the other thing to her standards, or on time, or when she expected me to. All kinds of things.

As other posters have said here, once you reach that point with somebody, all hope is generally lost and it's likely too late. The reality is that all those things DID bug my ex wife, justified or not, and it's incredibly difficult to STOP being bugged by them.

There are 100 things that bug me about my wife, but none of them get in the way of me loving her, or even respecting her. Nothing that is worth dwelling over. She's her own person - she's not me. My ex wife expected me to be her. But of course, as I alluded to above, the irony is that that scenario presents no challenge to people like her. You can't win when it gets to that point, IMO.


----------



## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

Divorce.... and i am not Anon pink ... I just think its the best solution for both of you.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If your husband is too off-putting for you to have sex with, he's too off-putting for you to accept his support. If your heart has left the marriage, then your body needs to depart with it. He may not be consistently hitting all the targets you wish he'd hit but you may not be hitting any of his or even attempting to. Any two people on earth who live together will occasionally disappoint each other. If your libido can't endure a few shortcomings in a partner you might as well have a funeral and bury it. There is no real Cinderella or Snow White. You aren't really a princess. Nobody lives "happily ever after". We all have faults and weaknesses. Nobody can make you happy. 

You did promise to be a sexually faithful wife. Nothing in that equation mentioned "if I feel like it". If you aren't a wife, then what are you? A house guest? A dependent? A hostage taker? 

Under what circumstances does your husband owe you sexual faithfulness? Only on the days he finds absolute perfection in you? If you are forgetful, uncaring, messy, indifferent, or angry, do you still expect him to not have sex outside the marriage? Under what circumstances do you expect him to share the fruits of his labor with you? Only when you're perfect in his eyes? You expect him to use his body for your benefit every day but your's is off limits to him? 

If you have placed your body off limits to your husband, he doesn't need to leave you. There's no marriage to leave. You have already left him. A divorce is to marriage as a death certificate is to murder. The divorce doesn't end the relationship. One or both parties does that long before a judge gets involved.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

unbelievable always brings the fire.


----------



## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Crickets said:


> I'm seeing a lot of posts from husbands whose wives are uninterested in sex. I am a wife who loves her husband but dismally uninterested in sex. Which is what made me come to this forum to begin with. So before Anon Pink tells everyone to get divorced, I hope I can give some insight from the other side of the fence. My husband and I had/have a lot of hurdles, both individually and as a couple. As a result, I literally can't stay out of my head. As the day progresses, every tiny (and big) thing is a seed: cloths on the floor, no gas in the car, an unpaid bill, the hair on his back. I know these things are stupid, but they annoy me. And then when he climbs into bed, my feeling is, he doesn't want me, he just wants to ****. And when he does certain things, like caress my back, or gentle kisses, I know he's only doing it because he wants to ****. And I don't want to just have sex. I want to be really loved. Sometimes his way of showing affection is by rubbing my back, but he does it so roughly and while I'm sleeping! I know if I tell my husband this he would say "what's the point, it's not like I can do anything to make you want me" But that's not true. Women need to feel certain things, safe, respected, cared for, trusted, secure... these are the things that make us want to be with you. There are other things like excitement/adrenaline, joy, laughter... the positive things that should outweigh the annoying things. I would say you should stop trying to have sex, and maybe try making her feel these other things. Make her feel in other ways. Spend some time and very gently touch her all over, but not with the intention of intercourse. Sex is in our minds, it's a head game so you have to break through in that way. I hope that makes sense. In my opinion, the problem for women is that we can't offer you any guidance here. My husband knows me better than I know myself in a lot of ways. I know that sex should be a by-product of other things and it's fueled by emotion, but how to define those other things and emotions, it may be different for everyone. So there's my rant. One thing I realized in my own experience is that the physical interaction of sex is a smaller part of something else. I think men enjoy sex more too when they have the other aspects as well.





Posted a week ago, and hasn't been back since......hmmm


----------



## Space Mountain (Jul 19, 2015)

My advice to all cake eating, serial cheating wives who starve their husbands of intimacy is to tread lightly and watch your actions. All it might take is some acquaintance of your husband to treat him with a little decency and respect and you could find yourself all alone and now labeled as the crazy cat lady.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

aine said:


> Agree with Elle above and cheating is most definitely not the way to go imo, you have already brought a third party/parties into your marriage, no wonder your head is all screwed up.
> 
> I feel for your poor husband. I don't know what makes you think marriage is all about receiving, it is also about giving, even when you don't feel like it. It is not always about feelings but commitment. Heck if you have kids you know the feeling that you most definitely do not want to get up at 3 am and bottle feed the baby but you do it because you are committed to taking care of him/her. Marriage is a bit like that, we don't get want we want all the time but we do the best we can in meeting our SO half way at least, it is about some sacrifice, give and take.


This statement is what seems to be lacking in so many of the posts on this forum. I believe it is about utilizing our higher intellect to realize that life is not all about getting our wants fulfilled but also about doing "the right thing" even when we do not want to.

The more immature a person is the more they are concerned with their wants and less so with doing what is right. Their minds are not well equipped to understand "the greater good" mentality and they therefore cater more to what their mind does understand, them.

Having said that, OP's H is not behaving in a manner conducive to creating desire in her. Cheating however, is never the correct course of action.

I also agree that OP has lost desire for her H because her feelings for him, whether genuine or contrived, are gone and along with them her attraction towards him. Her "feelings" have now focused on others which leads me to suspect that those she had for her H were not deeply rooted.

I believe her advice in her OP to be that of an immature intellect in that if she cared deeply for her H she would be overlooking some, perhaps not all, of his negative behavior and trying more avenues of attack wherein she tries to attract him by changing her behavior. I say that because the only way to effect change in another is to cause them to want to change. Absent their desire to change, it will never happen.

To apply her advice would possible cause a small temporary change but unless the attraction for the H is revived, or initiated if it never really existed, then any change would be fleeting. IMO.


----------

