# Husband not interested in sex



## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

We've been married for 25 years. My husband has never had much of a sex drive. We have had sex maybe twice in the last year, and it's a huge pain point for me. Although he insists it's him and not me, I find that very little comfort in that explanation. I have realized in the last few months that he is searching for pictures of naked women several times a week. Often while we are watching TV with one another. I learned this by snooping on his ipad. Honestly, if it was porn while he's masterbating I wouldn't care. But it just seems so intentional that he's doing it while we are together. And I have no idea if or how to talk with him about it, particularly since I found it while searching his history. He hates talking about sex, likely because I talk all the time about how we aren't having it. Any advice would be very appreciated.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Well, if he's looking at porn and masturbating instead of being with you, that's a serious problem. He might be looking in an attempt to bring up his libido? But you need to ask him and you need to be painfully honest about how it makes you feel as a wife when your husband doesn't want you. 

I know the devastation it can cause. I'm sorry and I wish you good luck.


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## 335289 (Nov 28, 2018)

Porn addiction is a real problem. 

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change. 

If he does not WANT to change with capital letters for desire, your husband will NEVER want you the way you want him to. 

There are solutions, though. If sex inside a marriage doesn't matter, then it logically follows that sex outside a marriage doesn't matter. First, find out the laws in your area, though. Make sure it does not matter to the law. Next, accept that your needs matter. You are just as important as he is in the relationship. You have no right to force him to be sexual, but he has no right to keep you from being sexual.


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## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> Well, if he's looking at porn and masturbating instead of being with you, that's a serious problem. He might be looking in an attempt to bring up his libido? But you need to ask him and you need to be painfully honest about how it makes you feel as a wife when your husband doesn't want you.
> 
> I know the devastation it can cause. I'm sorry and I wish you good luck.


Thanks so much.


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## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

IronHamster said:


> Porn addiction is a real problem.
> 
> How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
> 
> ...


Thank you. This makes perfect sense


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

SorryHe must think the images are enough and he does


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## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

Donny69 said:


> SorryHe must think the images are enough and he does


That sadly may be the case


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

Hit “post” accidentally. Any man pursuing fantasy while his wife is there and available is pretty messed up. Of course our culture kind of encourages it with these endless images and videos available in seconds. Regardless, you should angrily confront him because that’s inexcusable. He probably needs a content filter on all his devices- he’s got a real problem, sadly.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Throughout your marriage have there been any other times or signs that he has been watching porn?
I just wonder if maybe that has been the problem all along.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sex twice in a year? WTF. He’s got a willing wife but rather look at porn? Does he know he has a sure thing right in front of him? These threads of wives wanting more sex from their husbands always blow my mind. Cupid is a cruel matchmaker.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If he's looking at pictures of naked women but you don't think he's masturbating, then maybe he's just trying to see if he can get aroused at all.


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## Roselake (Aug 6, 2020)

My husband Is not interested in sex either. He also insists it’s him and not me and I totally understand how that explanation is just awful and unhelpful. Like you we maybe have sex twice a year. Id try talking to your husband about the photos and try to see what’s going on. That would be very upsetting to see him doing that when he won’t respond sexually in your marriage. I hope the best for you.


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## 335289 (Nov 28, 2018)

Roselake said:


> My husband Is not interested in sex either. He also insists it’s him and not me and I totally understand how that explanation is just awful and unhelpful. Like you we maybe have sex twice a year. Id try talking to your husband about the photos and try to see what’s going on. That would be very upsetting to see him doing that when he won’t respond sexually in your marriage. I hope the best for you.


In your case, do you know what his issue is? Asexual? Closet homosexual? 

The bottom line, though, is that he is not into you. You deserve better, and better is out there to be had. You cannot change him, but you can change your own choices. 

I speak from experience. 25 years of a sexless marriage. It never gets better until you do something for you.


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## laedenapp (Sep 20, 2020)

Your plight resonated with me, and I hope it’s ok to offer my point of view as a guy who has been married for 18 years. 

This is an important and intimate part of your relationship. You both need a comfortable way, and both willing, to talk together without judgements from either. An example judgement would be making comments about the other not being interested in them or the lack of an activity. Try to make time during the day/night that is convenient for both to talk about anything together. Find topics that interest you both as a first step to opening up communication. Talk about dreams, how life is going, what is needed versus wanted, and so many other opportunities. 

Next, if talking isn’t going well, then seek out help. Get advice from those you trust. Research different strategies online. Seek a marriage therapist/counselor who will meet both of your needs. The bottom line for me was to gather info, really think about the viability of the options for my marriage, and approach my spouse with possibilities and get her thoughts about general needs before diving into specifics. This turned our conversations to positivity versus dreading recurring negative topics. New discussions began to flourish, and what made us happy in the beginning of our marriage and our connections started to appear again. 

After discussions and seeking help, a real look inward was warranted by me. I cannot change my spouse. No matter how hard I may try, I cannot change my spouse. And why would I want to change my spouse anyway? My spouse is my partner whom I made a commitment to, and she is a wonderful individual who deserves her needs and desires met without my interference unless she asks for my help. We have our own lives, and yet we’ve made a commitment to join together in all areas of life. This compromise takes tremendous work and compassion (search the differences between pity, sympathy, empathy, and compassion for help). The first step for me was to realize I could change myself, my behavior, my actions, and that I could better myself after so many years together versus dwelling on the “has not been so and I’m upset.” 

I could continue with so much more about my marriage journey and lessons learned, and alas time is not on our side. I did want to end on the topic about porn and masterbation. My perspective, porn is a way for me as a man to explore my interests in the area of desire and sex. How can I make myself more appealing to my spouse? What sexual techniques might interest my spouse and myself? Is my spouse interested in watching porn with me to help liven the mood? Porn is also a very personal thing to an individual, and trying to take it away is like taking any other type of freedom from someone. Porn is just one of many tools that a married couple can entertain using. Masterbation is also a personal freedom and expression of self-love. The more I know about myself the more I may be able to communicate to my spouse what I like and how comfortable I am in a particular event. 

You shared you’ve been married 25 years, and that is truly an awesome milestone . I hope you both were able to celebrate, and will continue to do so. Finding out about the way our spouses have changed after such a long period is a great way to see how better to synergize together, and realize individuals do change over time. Our constant drive to be better, to improve, and to relish our successes can be a positive path forward. May your marriage journey see more light, and you both get what you need and want. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

iwanttoknow said:


> I have realized in the last few months that he is searching for pictures of naked women several times a week. Often while we are watching TV with one nother. I learned this by snooping on his ipad. Honestly, if it was porn while he's masterbating I wouldn't care. But it just seems so intentional that he's doing it while we are together. And I have no idea if or how to talk with him about it, particularly since I found it while searching his history.


is it just nude ladies pictures, or are they posed in fetish kink? are they kinky or perverted videos?

it sounds very much that:
1) he IS very horny for women
and 
2) for some reason that you have to figure out, he is not asking you for sex to satisfy his urges.

If he is looking at kinky sites, bondage sites for instance, maybe rent "50 Shades of Gray", watch it with him, and casually comment after watching it that it turned you on, and you would like to try some of "that stuff". See if that opens him up....he may just be too shy to ask you for what he really wants. And at this point....do not judge at all what he says, no matter how perverted....just note what he wants, and go down the list and see if there is something you too want to try.

How do you dress in the house? Men like short skirts, no panties, a revealing top....things that get them horny for you without them even noticing it until its too late. Or do you have mom jeans on, and wonder why he is never grabbing you?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

iwanttoknow said:


> We've been *married for 25 years*. My husband has* never had much of a sex drive*. We have had *sex maybe twice in the last year*, and it's a huge pain point for me. Although he insists it's him and not me, I find that very little comfort in that explanation. I have realized in the last few months that he is *searching for pictures of naked women several times a week*. Often while we are watching TV with one another. I learned this by snooping on his ipad. Honestly, if it was porn while he's masterbating I wouldn't care. But it just seems so intentional that he's doing it while we are together. And *I have no idea if or how to talk with him about it*, particularly since I found it while searching his history. *He hates talking about sex*, likely because I talk all the time about how we aren't having it. *Any advice would be very appreciated*.


Yes, some advice, but first, I am sorry for your pain.

You and your husband need to figure out how to discuss this problem as it will only get harder with time. You cannot change your husband, but if he wants, he can change himself and you can support him in his efforts to change. He will probably never have the libido that you would prefer, but don't give up hope on happiness.

If you can, talk to him in a place he feels safe about your feelings and how you would like to regain some higher level of intimacy between the two of you. My wife and I couldn't, so we got the help of a sex therapist to help save our sex starved marriage. I was the HD and she was the one who did not want sex. 

You situation is not uncommon. You might want to get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. It is about your situation and what other women have tried and how they have succeeded in getting the intimacy they need in marriage. At some point you may need to settle for intimacy instead of the sex you dream of. With time you and you H might be able to redefine sex in your relationship to include things that are not PIV. Remember that your H's biggest sex organ is between his ears and that what he might find sexy and arousing might surprise and please you.

Good luck.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

iwanttoknow said:


> We've been married for 25 years. My husband has never had much of a sex drive. We have had sex maybe twice in the last year, and it's a huge pain point for me.


As someone who has been in a mostly sexless marriage for over 28 years, I feel your pain. But rather than focus on what is happening now, I would like to focus on the first few years of your marriage. How often did you have sex on your honeymoon and during your first year of marriage? Who typically initiated sessions back then? Would you say that the sessions were physically satisfying to you back then? Did you orgasm regularly from sex with your husband? If not, were you honest with him about that? There are several different reasons why a husband might not desire to have sex with his wife despite having a functioning sex drive. Telling us what sex was like in the early stage of your marriage will help us identify which explanations are more or less likely to be the one that applies to your husband.

He might be gay. He might have a fetish that he is afraid to share with you. He might have ED or PE and he doesn't want to share that with you. He might have realized that you do not get much physical pleasure from sex with him, and he doesn't want to engage in yet another episode that reinforces his ineptitude. Or maybe he just finds sex with you takes too much time and effort in order to satisfy you, and he likes to masturbate so he can get his own orgasm reliably and efficiently.

Tell us more about how the 2 of you got here and perhaps we can give you more tailored advice about where to go from here. Good luck. This generally is not a quick and easy solve.


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## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

Spicy said:


> Throughout your marriage have there been any other times or signs that he has been watching porn?
> I just wonder if maybe that has been the problem all along.


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## iwanttoknow (Sep 19, 2020)

None at all. And I’ve looked. Thing is he has an anxiety issue. He blames the low libido in that


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I divorced after 30 years because of a sexless marriage. It's a long story, there was an underlying issue. Not saying take that route but I finally had enough. She didn't understand how bad it got for me and when the last kid was ready to leave the house I was out of the marriage. Now life is great. I remarried but it is an entirely different situation. We have sex five+ times a week, and being retired (well mostly, this is her last year teaching) we spend most of our time naked around the house and on the property (in the country, neighbors can't see us). My life is so different now. Yes, we are still "new" vs. a 30-year marriage but I'll take it. After living with someone who didn't give a crap about sex for over ten years, it is amazing to have someone ready to jump your bones at a moment's notice. I know at some point things will taper off but for now, I'm loving life. Believe me when I say that I am sorry that you're going through this, I completely understand.

Edited: We have a doormat that says "We're retired, give us a few minutes to put pants on, thank you."


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## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

She’s luckier than me to have twice a year. I didn't have sex, a hug for 6.5 years, and no kiss for maybe 8-9 years. It's really painful while I am in shape and 10 years younger. 



jsmart said:


> Sex twice in a year? WTF. He’s got a willing wife but rather look at porn? Does he know he has a sure thing right in front of him? These threads of wives wanting more sex from their husbands always blow my mind. Cupid is a cruel matchmaker.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Itiyou34 said:


> She’s luckier than me to have twice a year. I didn't have sex, a hug for 6.5 years, and no kiss for maybe 8-9 years. It's really painful while I am in shape and 10 years younger.


Dr. Phil would say, "You have to teach people how to treat you." That's a true statement. A sexless marriage is NOT okay unless it was agreed to in advance of the marriage. It is said somewhere on this board, I think, that a spouse refusing to have sex is the same breach of the marriage covenant as having an affair would be.


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