# My wife is pregnant, and I can't say I'm very pleased



## localhost

Before I start this off, I will just say that I know it's my fault that it happened, and I claim full responsibility for my actions that lead to this. I'm not posting here to refute that in any way. Perhaps I just needed a place to vent, so I'm not really expecting anyone to read or even reply. Just wanted to put this out "on paper" so to speak.

I'm late 20's, wife's the same. We had planned on having children about a year and a half from now. Well, needless to say from the subject, that didn't happen.

We had planned to get on some kind of maternity insurance program since you have to be on one for a long period of time before you get pregnant for it to go into effect. Of course, that didn't happen.

She can't get on my health insurance through work, either. It would cost 250$ every two weeks, and we just can't afford 500$ a month in insurance for the next 7-9 months.

We can't get on the state program because we're "too rich" to qualify. I didn't know you could be called "rich" living in a one bedroom apartment and scrimping just to pay for the furniture in it, let alone the other bills and, of course, rent.

I know it's all my own fault, but I can't help but being depressed about it. We planned to get a house (well, build a house, really), and that's not gonna happen. We planned to pay down some major bills this year, again, not gonna happen. We planned to do a little bit of traveling before next year, not happening.

We planned alot of things, and now this comes in and traps me in that same old pattern of never getting ahead of any problems. The bills will never get paid off completely, we'll be stuck in whatever we can just barely afford instead of something we actually want, and etc.

"When you see the sonogram, you'll change your mind..." Yeah, yeah, yeah. "A child is a precious gift..." uh huh, yeah. "Put it in God's hands..." It's in God's hands, and he's have a good laugh right about now at my expense.

I don't think I could want this thing any _less_ than I do right now, and I'm sure that feeling will only be compounded as time goes along.

Oh, well. Can't stop the inevitable. Just gonna have to find a way to deal with it.


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## TNgirl232

It is a tough situation - but I guess my question is this - which can you afford more insurance for 9 months or paying the huge doctor and hospital bills at the end of 9 months? Is there anything you could cut out in order to help pay for that....cable, cell phones, etc. Would either of your families be willing to help cover the insurance costs? Also - does your wife have a job? Could you get a second job for a while? I know its not easy but maybe looking at this in a way that is looking for solutions instead of just getting bogged down in a pity party might help you find the bright light and motivation to pull yourselves through this.


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## localhost

TNgirl232 said:


> It is a tough situation - but I guess my question is this - which can you afford more insurance for 9 months or paying the huge doctor and hospital bills at the end of 9 months? Is there anything you could cut out in order to help pay for that....cable, cell phones, etc. Would either of your families be willing to help cover the insurance costs? Also - does your wife have a job? Could you get a second job for a while? I know its not easy but maybe looking at this in a way that is looking for solutions instead of just getting bogged down in a pity party might help you find the bright light and motivation to pull yourselves through this.


We can't afford either, insurance or the medical bills. If we get the insurance, it cuts my total income not spent directly on recurring bills to a little less than $100.

Cable is included in rent. Cell phones are our only mode of communication, and I've offered many times to just turn mine off to save money; she refuses. We just got married recently, so her parents are still recouping from that, my dad's not really in the picture beyond the good times, and my mom already helps us as much as she can. Wife works. There's no way either one of us could work a second job, she manages a business and I am in a very-high stress job working 5 days a week. On my days off, I turn into a zombie and reappear at work barely recuperated from the week before.

I probably shouldn't have even posted. Mod can just delete this thread or whatever.


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## sisters359

It's ok-most of us have felt this way at one time or another. It feels so overwhelming. I used to hear about penny-saving strategies and think, what difference does $10/week make, that is only $520 a year, and we owe a lot more than that!! 

BUT--time does help, esp. when it comes to money. The hardest part is disciplining yourself to live on TODAY'S income when tomorrow's raise or windfall comes. You will be so tired of living in a small apartment, etc. Make a promise to yourself NOW that you will live on today's income for XX number of years, knowing that will get you not only clear, but ahead. When you feel you "deserve" the rewards a bigger income allows, look at this post--print it and keep it handy for sometime down the road. You WILL one day be in a position to afford more, but if you delay that just a bit longer, debt will become a thing of the past. Just keep moving forward. 

Oh, and for the next few years, you won't need entertainment $$ in your budget, b/c you will find your own child completely enchanting and you'll be too tired to go out, anyway. Good luck and God bless.


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## localhost

Well, I forgot to mention that my job is on a raise freeze for the next two years, as well, so it will be living on today's income for tomorrow's inflated prices.

We've already been on a raise freeze for two years, so it's kinda like living on tomorrow's prices on yesterday's salary. Paying 2012 prices on 2008 wages.

I'm just gonna stop. I'm so tired now from arguing with wife and family about these issues that I don't even have the motivation to really explain them again, let alone find some brilliant way to fix them.

Just gonna live day by day and deal with it like I always have.


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## michzz

localhost said:


> There's no way either one of us could work a second job, she manages a business and I am in the police department working 5 days a week. On my days off, I turn into a zombie and reappear at work barely recuperated from the week before.


You need a change in attitude. Get over the imperfect timing of the start of your family.

Reassess your zombie theory and take on odd jobs. Consider moving to a cheaper place. Suck it up and approach your family for help. They may surprise you. If you can, sell your car, get a cheaper one. Drop auto insurance to bare minimum.

Make sure your wife's pregnancy is covered if you can.

Apply for a better paying job. 

You are not even 30 yet, step up.


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## localhost

lol Get over it and change attitude... well, I guess they're right, you get what you pay for, especially when it comes to free advice.

It may be best if we split up and go our separate ways when it gets here. Can't divorce while the female is pregnant here, and she is more and more sure she wants one if I can't be happy about this.

I just can't see the need to change every single little thing in my life because something that I do *not* want is coming.

Child support is looking much more attractive compared to the alternatives at this point.


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## TNgirl232

You had just as much control over birth control as your wife did and now you don't like the consequences of not using it? (Just assuming here).

I hate to tell you - but if you think you can't afford $500 in insurance every month...well you may not be able to afford the child support either. My ex pays almost $400 a month in child support and he has her every other weekend and once a week. AND you will still be responsible for half the medical bills, potentially even after a divorce for the child, AND you could be required to provide medical insurance for your child. At least those are some of the things that happen in my state. 

Its no longer about YOU. There is now a child involved - one who didn't ask to be here either or get you for a dad, but do you think he/she has a choice in the matter? Do you think me or my ex wanted a child while we were still in high school? But did we step up and meet take responsibility for our actions - Darn straight. I think you need to get over the selfishness and take a step towards being an adult. You are a cop... I know you see families with crappy parents everyday, kids that are abandoned, mistreated....you want to do this to your own child now?


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## localhost

That's all well and good, but the primary problem is that I am not happy with it and will not be happy about it. That's why she is giving the divorce ultimatum.

Less than $400 a month is a good bit less than $500 a month, plus I wouldn't have $1000 going to our joint bills. Where I live, you can usually get alot less on child support if you give up all visitation rights, too. Half the medical bills -- I'm still responsible for at least that staying married.

Would it not be better to not be involved than to be a miserable, negative influence on the child at all times?

The kid would have a mother that loved it around instead of a father who never wanted it and a mother who is miserable because the husband rejects the child at every turn.

According to the law, the government would say how much I would need to be fined in child support to "live up to my responsibilities", so wouldn't it be equivalent? Wasn't that what it was created for?

Edit: After a little research, the child support would be 14%, plus possibly insurance for the child after age 1, so it would be somewhere less than $300 per month.


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## momof6girls

do you love your wife? and yes things like this do put a damper on things and yes your in a spot allows you to be to well off to get help.. wait that is not true... 

ok not the best but 1st you have to make up your mind if you want to make it work 1st... you are in a corner and thinking all kinds of bad things. breath! then step back and you think baby and wife better off with out you... NOT true... at all (unless you being a bD and not looking at all sides)

there are programs, is she going to plan parent hood they are cheaper than most dr or clinics... (take it from me my 19 is prego and no insurance) go on line... look around. there is help out there programs not just for teens there church groups that are willing to help and groups that are active in wanting the best for women and want them to be able to keep there child. most think just for teen and single women not the case family is very important.

what upset me is you put alot of time into how much you can save by leaving.. live is hard very hard and **** happens! 

some hospitals have finiancal advisers you are not the 1st one in the type of problem... all i am saying is look at your options and unless you truly don't want to be part of there life and can't see all the problems melt away when they put that baby in your arms (people have moved into there cars to keep there families) then yes walk away your wife deserves a chance to be loved and supported.


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## sisters359

It's clear you don't want a child and therefore will continue to argue that there is no way out of the financial future you picture for yourself. As long as you "don't want to," you will continue to say "I can't." That's not true, of course. You can--you can get a part-time job, make other changes. You will just continue to insist you can't.

BUT, having said that, at least you are aware of how you feel and not afraid to admit it. It might be better to divorce--you are right, no kid needs a full-time reminder that his/her existence is resented. Don't totally abandon him, though. Make sure he at least knows he has a dad, and remember that with time, your feelings might change, so act accordingly.


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## michzz

localhost said:


> lol Get over it and change attitude... well, I guess they're right, you get what you pay for, especially when it comes to free advice.
> 
> It may be best if we split up and go our separate ways when it gets here. Can't divorce while the female is pregnant here, and she is more and more sure she wants one if I can't be happy about this.
> 
> I just can't see the need to change every single little thing in my life because something that I do *not* want is coming.
> 
> Child support is looking much more attractive compared to the alternatives at this point.


You were given good advice. 

BTW, seriously, do you really refer to your pregnant wife as "the female"?


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## localhost

I skipped one of the statements above that said,



> You had just as much control over birth control as your wife did and now you don't like the consequences of not using it? (Just assuming here).


I think that is saying that we did not use birth control. My wife has been on birth control for approximately the past 10 years, has never missed a pill. The only way she could have gotten pregnant is if there was some major failure in the birth control or she didn't take it, and the latter is very possible and makes me even more angry if it is true.

Of course I love my wife. She will, however, continue to be unhappy with me the longer this goes along because I continue to resent this child. Therefore, she will probably seek a divorce as soon as possible.

She has been going to the same doctor for like 10 years and has firmly said she is not going to change.

I don't think it's really a matter of "don't want to => can't". I just hate this child and hate the idea of it being born. Do I want abortion or any of that? No, my wife wants the thing. Adoption? No, she says she would never do that, and she wants it.

As far as total abandonment, that's what will happen if we get a divorce. Why would I want to even see this problem ever again if it destroyed my life? Besides, she's a rather attractive woman, and she wouldn't have a problem finding love in the future anyway. There would be no reason for me to be around anymore; I'd just be making things more difficult for her and her new family.

As far as being a bad person for talking about saving money, the question was put to me by someone else, so I explained the differences in-marriage and out-of-marriage. I was explaining that I would be responsible for half the medical bills whether married or not, and that child support and insurance for the child would cost less than insurance during the pregnancy.

And, for referring to my pregnant wife as the female, it's more of a generalized statement that no one can get a divorce while the female in the relationship is pregnant unless the husband isn't told about it in advance. It's legal precedent here for judges to rule that way, and I've heard from others that it is a part of the law though I have not seen it myself. (I don't know alot about family and civil law anyway, it's been mostly experience with criminal.)

Anyhow, it appears that probably the best option is to wait until its born and seek divorce, request zero visitation, and establish child support rules.

I do have one problem that continues beyond the child itself. She wants me to go to sonograms and doctor's visits with her, but I try to explain that my going would only be a negative influence in an otherwise positive experience for her. I told her that maybe her mom should go, that her mom loves the idea of her being pregnant and would only get happier the more she went with my wife to the doctor's.

She said she needs my support through all of this, and I'm getting blue in the face explaining my position over and over again. I don't yell, scream, and shout, I just explain how I feel about it and that I don't want it and do not want to see it, and especially don't want to go to its doctor visits, and she just cries and cries. There's nothing I can do short of lying and saying I'm happy that will make her feel any better. I've thought about doing, just saying I'm happy, but I can't find any way to be happy when talking about baby things or needs. I know she's not going to believe it if I can't act like I'm happy, either.


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## Mommybean

If this is truly your attitude, if you are truly hell bent on hating a child that is a part of you, just because it is not happening on the timeframe you had established in your mind, then they are both better off without you. Let the child (a child is NOT an IT) grow up knowing you as only the sperm donor, and let your wife find someone who can handle themselves like a man. But, when you sit alone, in your cold and empty one bedroom apartment, bitter because of the choices you made, remember that YOU made them. You can't see past yourself to have any compassion for what you are putting the woman you pledged to love through better or worse thru. 
My oldest son sure did not come at the "optimal" time for us. And yeah, we were using birth control too. Believe it or not there IS a chance of failure with the pill, regardless of how long one has been on it. We cut corners, A LOT of corners, and supported each other. He is almost 5 now, and neither of us looks at him for a split second and thinks we made the wrong decision. All you want to focus on is how this is going to negatively impact YOU...what YOU will have to give up. If this is truly your attitude, then yeah, do the best thing for them and leave. They deserve better.


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## helpless_wife

You honestly are one hell of a heartless bastard. You don't deserve children.


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## localhost

helpless_wife said:


> You honestly are one hell of a heartless bastard. You don't deserve children.


Thanks. I don't want them, either.



Mommybean said:


> If this is truly your attitude, if you are truly hell bent on hating a child that is a part of you, just because it is not happening on the timeframe you had established in your mind, then they are both better off without you. Let the child (a child is NOT an IT) grow up knowing you as only the sperm donor, and let your wife find someone who can handle themselves like a man. But, when you sit alone, in your cold and empty one bedroom apartment, bitter because of the choices you made, remember that YOU made them. You can't see past yourself to have any compassion for what you are putting the woman you pledged to love through better or worse thru.
> My oldest son sure did not come at the "optimal" time for us. And yeah, we were using birth control too. Believe it or not there IS a chance of failure with the pill, regardless of how long one has been on it. We cut corners, A LOT of corners, and supported each other. He is almost 5 now, and neither of us looks at him for a split second and thinks we made the wrong decision. All you want to focus on is how this is going to negatively impact YOU...what YOU will have to give up. If this is truly your attitude, then yeah, do the best thing for them and leave. They deserve better.


Like I said before, the options are either let her get on with her life and be happy about it or I can lie and say I am happy. I will still hate it, but she will be happy that its there and that we'd still be in wedlock.

So, the better option would be to lie and say I'm happy. I really don't care if I am happy or not anymore after what has happened over the last few days, so I can pretend that I am for her sake and its sake.


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## SweetiepieMI

She should be the one running for the hills, not you. How about not just thinking about yourself. SHE is going to be caring this CHILD inside of her for the next 9 months. SHE is going to be the one going on the emotional rollercoaster and having alot of added stress. I honestly thought you had to be kidding me to believe and act the way you are acting. 

Im sorry to tell you....... the world doesnt revolve around you..... a unborn child is never something to HATE...... and i cant even think for a second that the idea of marriage means anything to you with the way you talk about your wife and are so eager to quit......

remember your vows? probably not......


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## TNgirl232

I can kind of understand not wanting to be responsible for a child full time. But being in that child's life - to take him or her to the park once a week or to a movie. A son needs his father to show him how to be a man. By not being there your showing him a man can walk away from his responsibilities and be cold hearted. He will think its ok to walk away from anything when it doesn't go his way or gets to hard. A daughter needs a father to show her how she should be treated by men. By not being there you are showing her to accept mistreatment from the men in her life. She is not important enough to be cared and loved. She will get into relationships where she is second class and struggles to make everyone happy so that she feels loved - because just existing wasn't enough apparently.

And as for you, if you walk out on this child completely (regardless of divorce) - your going to have a hard time finding another woman to marry you unless she doesn't want kids EVER. We typically take into account what type a father a potential husband might be, and you are the turn and run kind. Just another thing to think about - there are farther reaching impacts other than you get 'it' out of your life.


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## localhost

Yeah, I remember my vows. If you haven't been keeping up, she's the one who wants the divorce if I am not happy about this child.

So, wouldn't it be the other way around? My wife's having a hard time dealing with the fact that I don't want this child, so she's considering divorce? In the course of our marriage, she's mentioned divorcing me 3 times, all out of anger, and no matter how mad I got I never said it because I knew it would upset her, and I knew I didn't feel that way.

I tell the truth in our relationship, and I state my feelings if they are major enough to be brought out. I don't trouble her with minor things, but a child is a major thing to lie about and pretend to be happy about.

When we got married, the minister said that it was never God's intention for you to make the other person happy in your marriage. It is your responsibility to love the other person unconditionally and support them.

I will continue to support her and love her unconditionally during the course of our marriage. That was never the issue. The issue is this thing that has, in every angle and perspective that I can see, come to destroy the rest of our lives.

I am starting to wonder if people just choose to be happy and let go of their concerns (basically say Whatever to their problems) just to keep from being unhappy. I've never been able to do that, I deal with problems when they come up. This is simply a problem that has no clear solution. There is no single positive outcome to this pregnancy without a vastly-outnumbering majority of negatives.


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## localhost

TNgirl232 said:


> I can kind of understand not wanting to be responsible for a child full time. But being in that child's life - to take him or her to the park once a week or to a movie. A son needs his father to show him how to be a man. By not being there your showing him a man can walk away from his responsibilities and be cold hearted. He will think its ok to walk away from anything when it doesn't go his way or gets to hard. A daughter needs a father to show her how she should be treated by men. By not being there you are showing her to accept mistreatment from the men in her life. She is not important enough to be cared and loved. She will get into relationships where she is second class and struggles to make everyone happy so that she feels loved - because just existing wasn't enough apparently.
> 
> And as for you, if you walk out on this child completely (regardless of divorce) - your going to have a hard time finding another woman to marry you unless she doesn't want kids EVER. We typically take into account what type a father a potential husband might be, and you are the turn and run kind. Just another thing to think about - there are farther reaching impacts other than you get 'it' out of your life.


I am replying to this with a quote in it because it came in between my reply to the one above you.

I have already explained to my wife that, whatever happens (death, divorce, disabling disease, etc.) that I will never remarry. Girlfriend? Possibly, but never marriage, and that will be clearly placed out in the open in the event that any of those events occur.

As for teaching it and doing things with it, I can force myself to do that. It won't really know the difference between me lying about liking it or genuinely liking it. There are plenty of kids who like their mothers more, so it can just be one of those kind of kids.

It's not impossible to perpetrate the lie for the next 18 years, either; people have been maintaining lies for longer than that all the time.


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## TNgirl232

Localhost - you may find that by forcing it...you come to mean it. That is what I will be hoping for. Ever heard the Kenny Chesney Song - There goes my life? If not - I recommend you take a listen.


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## localhost

TNgirl232 said:


> Localhost - you may find that by forcing it...you come to mean it. That is what I will be hoping for. Ever heard the Kenny Chesney Song - There goes my life? If not - I recommend you take a listen.


Nah, I'm not one for country or emotional music.

And, no, I know that I will never like this thing. It will just be a secret that I keep for myself for the sake of everyone else. I don't have to be happy, I've never been happy for very long anyway.

If everyone else is happy, that can be the positive outcome. And maybe 20-30 years from now, I might explain to it why I did what I did if I think it can handle the information. It should be relatively normal if it thinks it is loved during childhood. Especially if it is having a child of its own at that point and is feeling the same way I do now. I would just laugh and say, "Yeah, you're screwed. I never wanted you either, but that's life. Everyone around you will be happy about it, so just pretend to be happy and pretend to love it, because everyone else is going to be upset if you don't."

Everyone around me needs this thing to feel validated. My mother needs it because she has no other grandchildren. My father wants his son to have a child (preferably a son) to "carry on the family line". It will be the first grandchild for her parents, as well, so they need it. The wife feels the need to be a mother. My sister and her brother have the need to be aunt/uncle. My friends all have children and feel the need for me to have one.

I remember one of my friends telling me, before all this, "Yeah, her birth control won't work. I'm gonna sneak her an antibiotic so that she'll get pregnant. Ha ha ha!" And now, I told him about it, and he said "Really? Wow, congratulations." And I simply said back, "Yeah, I guess." He keeps trying to convince me that when I see it on a sonogram or when I hold it for the first time, I will love it and my heart will melt... blah blah blah. I tell him that I think he might be surprised. I'll let him know when I see the sonogram that I still feel the same way I always did. I may feel even worse now that I have seen it.

And when I hold it for the first time -- IF I hold it in the hospital -- I will act happy and hand it to back to my wife. And I will tell him, "Yep, still didn't feel that whole heart melting thing or whatever it was you said. I still hate it, but I will pretend I love it. Whatever it takes to make everyone happy."

So, I guess that concludes the issue. I will call my wife and tell her that I'm overjoyed about it, that I will love it and take care of it. I honestly will take care of it, but I will be pretending to love it, just for its own sake.

Thanks for all the advice. I guess it will be up to the child now to see if they can make it out of the low income bracket and make something out of itself before it has this same problem. I have no choice now than to accept the fact that things will never get much better than they are right now, and that they will probably get worse over time. But, I will act happy and pretend to be okay with the situation. There are many that have had to do it before, and I am sure I won't be the last one.

In closing, anyone else having the same feelings, it would be best just to pretend to be happy from the start. The wife and your family and friends don't really want to hear your BS anyway, so just accept it, pretend to care, and pretend to be happy. At least you won't have to hear it from all sides.


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## Mommybean

For the childs sake I really hope you leave your wife, so that she can find a man who really IS a man, who is not so self serving and cold. You think a child is so blind as to not know the difference between love and hate? Boy, you have a LOT to learn. Kids have a far better sense of character than adults. Your wife deserves so much better than what you have to offer, and I am not talking financially. Quit playing the martyr and if this is the way you really feel, then have the courage to pack your stuff and leave; yes, your wife will likely be hurt, but i'm betting that the point will come where she sees that you not only did her, but her unborn child a HUGE favor.


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## hyndsight1

Realy? You've been boinking this 'female' for 10 years and this scenario was never considered? 
My suggestion:
GROW UP. 
Let her have her child without you, she deserves better.
Man up and get your nuts cut for the next one.


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## Deejo

hyndsight1 said:


> Realy? You've been boinking this 'female' for 10 years and this scenario was never considered?
> My suggestion:
> GROW UP.
> Let her have her child without you, she deserves better.
> Man up and get your nuts cut for the next one.


If you don't want kids, that there is the best advice in the thread. Unless you somehow believe that you aren't going to have sex in the next 40 or so years, get the vasectomy.

You on anti-depressants or anything?


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## ladyred8585

I completely understand your situation. I can see how you feel stuck and have no control over anything and it is almost impossible to be happy when you dont have any money. Men especially need to be able to provide everything they can and want for their families. My husband was a miserable son of a! when we didnt have much money and couldnt do anything. It is understandable for pride. We went thru seperations, and arguements and i tried to control him into seeing the better side of parenting and having less money. Women believe that love is enough to hold a family together, men believe that security is enought to hold a family together. Familly will not be able to help you and neither will a free advise forum. Only time will tell. You may get a smack in the face when your child is born, and you may not. It will suck if you are head over heels for your child and then you have to go thru the rest of your life knowing that while that beautiful baby was growing inside of a woman that you love, something you created, a heart that is tiny and beating steady as i type this message, you hated it. Just saying that you should think really long and hard about the decisions you are making right now by putting out this forum and talking to your family. Stop. Talk to yourself and your wife. If you cant see that there will be an upside. You are basically ****ed in the head and dont deserve your wife or child. Believe me there are plenty of men in the world with good jobs that would be willing to take on your wife and a new baby. Put this image in your head once. Your wife kissing and holding hands with another guy while he pushes your kid in a stroller. I hope you are fond of alcohol and drugs, because even as a cop that is the route you are headed too!


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## ladyred8585

fyi i think you need to stop saying rediculous things on here just to get a riot out of people. Eventually the smarter people on here will come to find that you are some sort of social networking junkie trying to get heat out of anyone on here just for fun.


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## localhost

hyndsight1 said:


> Realy? You've been boinking this 'female' for 10 years and this scenario was never considered?
> My suggestion:
> GROW UP.
> Let her have her child without you, she deserves better.
> Man up and get your nuts cut for the next one.


I haven't been "boinking" her for 10 years. We only got married a few months ago. She's had more guys than I've had women.



Deejo said:


> If you don't want kids, that there is the best advice in the thread. Unless you somehow believe that you aren't going to have sex in the next 40 or so years, get the vasectomy.
> 
> You on anti-depressants or anything?


I agree. I wish I had gotten one already, wouldn't be having this problem now. Not on any anti-depressants.



ladyred8585 said:


> I completely understand your situation. I can see how you feel stuck and have no control over anything and it is almost impossible to be happy when you dont have any money. Men especially need to be able to provide everything they can and want for their families. My husband was a miserable son of a! when we didnt have much money and couldnt do anything. It is understandable for pride. We went thru seperations, and arguements and i tried to control him into seeing the better side of parenting and having less money. Women believe that love is enough to hold a family together, men believe that security is enought to hold a family together. Familly will not be able to help you and neither will a free advise forum. Only time will tell. You may get a smack in the face when your child is born, and you may not. It will suck if you are head over heels for your child and then you have to go thru the rest of your life knowing that while that beautiful baby was growing inside of a woman that you love, something you created, a heart that is tiny and beating steady as i type this message, you hated it. Just saying that you should think really long and hard about the decisions you are making right now by putting out this forum and talking to your family. Stop. Talk to yourself and your wife. If you cant see that there will be an upside. You are basically ****ed in the head and dont deserve your wife or child. Believe me there are plenty of men in the world with good jobs that would be willing to take on your wife and a new baby. Put this image in your head once. Your wife kissing and holding hands with another guy while he pushes your kid in a stroller. I hope you are fond of alcohol and drugs, because even as a cop that is the route you are headed too!


If that's what she wants, it is her choice. The divorce is in her hands. I've already told her that I will not be the first one to leave or seek a divorce. If she does, then all of that is by her own want. I can't control anything in my life, and I can't be expected to try and control someone else.



ladyred8585 said:


> fyi i think you need to stop saying rediculous things on here just to get a riot out of people. Eventually the smarter people on here will come to find that you are some sort of social networking junkie trying to get heat out of anyone on here just for fun.


These are really my feelings, whether you can believe it or not. If you think it's just someone trying to get a "riot out of people", why reply?

I really don't see how everything I've said is so ridiculous. It's not like I'm claiming I'm the emperor of the universe or something. I'm saying I have problems. You may not be able to comprehend them, but these feelings are not out of this world crazy or even new.

By the way, when people reply with "you don't deserve [thing]", it really invalidates your opinion in my eyes. No one -- especially people who know nothing about me -- are able to validate my deserving anything. There's no need to dehumanize me just because I have certain feelings and opinions you may not agree with.


----------



## localhost

Just to give the final information on the subject, I told her that I was very happy and everything would be fine.

It took her a while to buy it, but she eventually bought it. She has some doubts, but I'll just reinforce that I'm happy and all that over the next couple of days. Agreed to go to sonograms and all that to ease her mind. Told my parents and everyone that I was happy and sorry if I upset anyone.

It seems to be working. Everyone is leaving me alone again and things have become much easier. It's difficult to act happy and like nothing's wrong, but so far everyone's believing it.

She's not happy that I've decided not to have sex again in the future, but when it is born, she'll be preoccupied with it and won't pay nearly as much attention to me anymore.

I'm still completely screwed out of our future, but it can't be helped. It will be born, and we'll have to take care of it. I'm just going to ignore that part and take it day by day to keep my sanity and limit thinking about the regret/remorse for ever having sex.

So, like I said before, anyone who has the same thoughts, just suppress them and act happy. You'll have alot more peace in your life. You just have to be able to handle problems on your own and keep secrets completely to yourself.


----------



## michzz

I can't quite figure out if you are being sarcastic, a yanking chain exercise or you really need the services of a well-trained psychiatrist.

In either event, I believe you ought to seek professional counseling. If you are not posting sarcastically, you need the professional help since nothing folks are telling you is sinking in.

If you are trolling, God help you.


----------



## cherrypie18

localhost said:


> Just to give the final information on the subject, I told her that I was very happy and everything would be fine.
> 
> It took her a while to buy it, but she eventually bought it. She has some doubts, but I'll just reinforce that I'm happy and all that over the next couple of days. Agreed to go to sonograms and all that to ease her mind. Told my parents and everyone that I was happy and sorry if I upset anyone.
> 
> It seems to be working. Everyone is leaving me alone again and things have become much easier. It's difficult to act happy and like nothing's wrong, but so far everyone's believing it.
> 
> She's not happy that I've decided not to have sex again in the future, but when it is born, she'll be preoccupied with it and won't pay nearly as much attention to me anymore.
> 
> I'm still completely screwed out of our future, but it can't be helped. It will be born, and we'll have to take care of it. I'm just going to ignore that part and take it day by day to keep my sanity and limit thinking about the regret/remorse for ever having sex.
> 
> So, like I said before, anyone who has the same thoughts, just suppress them and act happy. You'll have alot more peace in your life. You just have to be able to handle problems on your own and keep secrets completely to yourself.



so you're pretty much LYING to your wife and giving her false hope? you're only PRETENDING to be there for her and acting happy? how is this going to work in the long run?? 


i truly hope she leaves you. you don't deserve her or this baby. 

how old are you anyway?


----------



## TNgirl232

I'm secretly hoping this is a 'fake it til you make it' scenario and once the shock wears off he'll actually begin to be happy. I'm an optimist. For his whole family I hope for a change of heart. He is trying in his own way. Eventually if he doesn't it will come out. 

localhost - I wish you luck and I really do hope that you truly become what you are going to pretend to be for now. A baby surprise isn't easy - I didn't know I was having my daughter until I was in the hospital - talk about a shock and being unprepared and wondering what in the h*ll this was going to mean for my future. I was 18. Once the shock wears off, you may see things differently. Please let us know how its going. Feel free to PM me if you want.


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## localhost

michzz said:


> I can't quite figure out if you are being sarcastic, a yanking chain exercise or you really need the services of a well-trained psychiatrist.
> 
> In either event, I believe you ought to seek professional counseling. If you are not posting sarcastically, you need the professional help since nothing folks are telling you is sinking in.
> 
> If you are trolling, God help you.


I promise, promise, promise that I am not trolling.  I am probably somewhere between the sarcastic and the psychiatrist at this point.

I would say that my attitude is just to be completely, 100% frank about what these feelings are saying to me. I didn't want to sugarcoat any of it.

I would love nothing more to be happy and pleased, but I'm just not. If I become happy and pleased, I would be so... well, I would be very happy and very pleased, I guess two-fold.

I am just comparing the pregnancy to a social and financial death, similar to the grief people would feel over their own physical death if it were approaching in +/- 9 months.

When I was first told, the first feelings I had were of resentment, embarrassment, anger, and hatred.

A few hours ago, my wife made me talk about how I felt. She didn't get (extremely) upset like she usually does. She listened to me.

I explained many of the problems in this post. I explained that I was not saying any of this to be mean-spirited or hateful. I explained that these are just feelings that I am having, and, as a woman, she should understand having feelings that you cannot control or influence, you just have them. If you have enough of them, it effects your mood.

If it continues effecting your mood, you can easily develop hate or depression.

Most of my comments here were made out of a feeling of hopelessness. I have a history of (vastly untreated) clinical depression, and it is easier for me (and people like me) to be very bitter, pessimistic, and not care about anyone else for small periods of time than to try to work through problems that we think are not fixable.

Do I automatically know I am going to hate this child? No, of course not. Did it cross my mind? Yes, many times. Enough times to make me think that it could be true, and then enough more times to make me think that I would.

Am I happy at this point? Yes and no. I am still not all the way happy (like I said, I rarely ever am 100% happy), but I have decided that I will (if necessary, force myself to) love this child.

I have posted alot of bad things here, but I have cried myself more than my wife over the last three days, through all the fighting and pain. I was absolutely terrified of all of these feelings I had, and the easiest route was to be cold and calculating. To feel nothing, at that time, was better than to feel all of this confusion and mixed emotions.

I'm not saying that anyone should forgive me for saying the things I have, even though they were motivated by and said for the wrong reasons. I don't care if anyone does forgive me for having feelings. I am a human being, and I react and have feelings, too. They may not be popular, but they were what I was thinking and feeling at the time through my anger and resentment.

My wife needs the real me right now. If we can't work out our differences, then divorce may be in our future. But, I can't let that be from lack of trying on my part. I have to be able to say that I tried to make it work at least. Pretending everything is fine may be okay in some situations, but I promised to be truthful to my wife, and I will uphold that.

Sorry for any hard feelings about all of this.

But, for those saying that I was just here getting my "jollies" by posting up my feelings, I hope you don't treat others who have equally hard problems the same way in the future. Minimizing or trivializing someone's problems (when they are legitimate) can make them do very bad things that they wouldn't normally do. It is a common cause of suicide and self-mutilation in long-term depressions. People come here for advice, so resist your urges to trivialize, minimize, or deny the existence of someone's very real problems. Not posting would be better for that person than, basically, calling them a liar.


----------



## swedish

Localhost,

I read this yesterday and quite honestly was too shocked to even know how to reply. I guess what stuck out was that you said you wanted kids, but not now, 18 months from now.

She was on the pill and got pregnant...there are no guarantees unless you are unable to have kids or not having sex....even if 18 months went by and you said 'I'm ready now' It could take 5 years to get pregnant, if at all...So the timing isn't something we can ever control. I understand your disappointment on the financial end of things, but honestly if I waited until I was financially set to have my 3, I don't know if I'd have kids...and my financial situation just got better over the years so that became a non-issue.

So you are disappointed that the timing of having a child did not go as you hoped...once you accept that we all have these types of disappointments...the world isn't out to get you or give YOU all the bad luck...we all get disappointed when things happen that are out of our control and not what we hoped/planned...the only thing we do have control over is how we will respond...and I liked the 'fake it til you make it' comment above because sometimes if you are feeling down and force yourself to start the day with a smile it does start to feel real and can change your mood....

This is not the baby's fault...if you harbor resentment for the baby and/or your wife, you will be an angry dad/husband....If you embrace your family...and it is scary to think you have a wife/child depending on you....but if you all love one another it makes it all worth it...would you seriously be more happy on your own with a little extra money in the bank knowing it cost you your family?

One last thing, since you have had such a negative reaction to the pregnancy, you should seriously consider whether you could handle more children down the road. If not, talk to your wife about a vasectomy...never having sex again sounds more like you expressing your anger and somewhat of a threat/punishment...there are other options....especially if you want to stay married and be happy.


----------



## sisters359

> Most of my comments here were made out of a feeling of hopelessness. I have a history of (vastly untreated) clinical depression, and it is easier for me (and people like me) to be very bitter, pessimistic, and not care about anyone else for small periods of time than to try to work through problems that we think are not fixable.


This is important information. You also say that you cannot control "anything" in your life or your feelings--but MANY of us know that is simply untrue. HOW you think of something determines how you feel about it--probably you know that, and you cannot get your brain out of "negative" tracks. I suspect that someday somre forms of depression will be understood as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (like much anxiety is today), because it is the complete inability to recast the situation in a different light that leads to feelings of hopelessness. 

Why don't you seek treatment? Life can be soooooooooo much better! You could even mention what I suggest here--and I'm not a medical doctor or anything, but I've been observing people with anxiety and depression for many years, and the common thread is the negative thought pattern that people get trapped in. I've personally experienced the difference the cognitive therapy, plus anti-depressant meds can make--truly remarkable. I cannot stress that it is likely the illness itself that keeps you from seeking and persisting in treatment, so this is one case where you really shouldn't listen to yourself! 

And you may find that the fake it till you make it works, or that the sight of your first child overwhelms you with joy, or that an unexpected employment opportunity brightens the outlook--so sticking with it, because you KNOW your feelings might change--isn't such a bad idea. Maybe not lying and saying your "happy," but knowing you've decided to be at peace with your unhappiness (and you can just say, I'm at peace with it, without going into more detail) b/c you know your unhappiness might lift/change--that's ok, too. Good luck and God bless.


----------



## Dancing Nancie

Well, I guess this is a glimpse into the mind of a dead beat dad.


----------



## momof6girls

sounds like your wife is hoping that going to see the baby will help you make the connection with it and change your mind...

you are dug in and from reading your post... be a man leave. it will be upsetting and hard on her but in the end it would be a great thing for both her and the baby and she will see you are not there for her and lean on her mom.... and i do hope the baby looks like her side of the family at that point easier for her.

let her read your post... she will be able to see your not into this at all... i am a child of a man that i never saw and a man i just resently 5 years ago (i am in my 40's) got a chance to met and let me tell you i grew up ok and i missed knowing who he was and if i looked like him but after we met i have not again contacted him there is no need live moves on.

from your post you are set in your way of thinking and i for one say you have that right, and i also think you know that and that is why you say better for the both of them you are not around... so do it know.


----------



## localhost

sisters359 said:


> This is important information. You also say that you cannot control "anything" in your life or your feelings--but MANY of us know that is simply untrue. HOW you think of something determines how you feel about it--probably you know that, and you cannot get your brain out of "negative" tracks. I suspect that someday somre forms of depression will be understood as a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (like much anxiety is today), because it is the complete inability to recast the situation in a different light that leads to feelings of hopelessness.
> 
> Why don't you seek treatment? Life can be soooooooooo much better! You could even mention what I suggest here--and I'm not a medical doctor or anything, but I've been observing people with anxiety and depression for many years, and the common thread is the negative thought pattern that people get trapped in. I've personally experienced the difference the cognitive therapy, plus anti-depressant meds can make--truly remarkable. I cannot stress that it is likely the illness itself that keeps you from seeking and persisting in treatment, so this is one case where you really shouldn't listen to yourself!
> 
> And you may find that the fake it till you make it works, or that the sight of your first child overwhelms you with joy, or that an unexpected employment opportunity brightens the outlook--so sticking with it, because you KNOW your feelings might change--isn't such a bad idea. Maybe not lying and saying your "happy," but knowing you've decided to be at peace with your unhappiness (and you can just say, I'm at peace with it, without going into more detail) b/c you know your unhappiness might lift/change--that's ok, too. Good luck and God bless.


This is the only reply I'm going to reply to. If other people can't be troubled to read through the progress of the thread, then there's no point replying to them.

In reply to paragraph #1, it is very, very, very hard to explain. The entire time I knew that there would be some way to make it, but just thinking about solutions is not enough to pull someone like me from the depths of crisis. Once you get there, the only thing you can really do is wait until emotion, control, and acceptance rebalance themselves out. When I get to feeling that way, I try very hard not to really talk much because I don't want to negatively influence other people around me. I talked to my mother about my feelings, and she went home and cried herself to sleep. I didn't want that to happen, didn't mean for it to happen, but she wanted me to talk to her about it, so I did. I would have preferred not to. The internet forum was a good place to talk about it, in my own opinion. It gave me the possibility to put my feelings out there completely, and to allow people with no vested interest in my problems to give me opinions. It's more of a getting unbiased and objective opinions.

In reply to paragraph #2, there are lots of reasons why I don't want to seek treatment. The first is that it's not life-threatening; I'm not in the ~3% that want to commit suicide, and it's not on the very serious end of clinical depression, either (bouts of catatonia, complete anti-social behavior, etc.). The second is that I don't want to be on a medication for the rest of my life. When I was diagnosed, 
I was in my late teens. The medication they gave me had a side effect of suicidal tendencies. In my opinion, giving me suicidal tendencies would make my problem worse. So, I didn't take it. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to die without the medication, but it wasn't a feeling of wanting to kill myself. It was more of a feeling of just not wanting to be around anymore, if that makes sense.

In reply to paragraph #3, I am really not faking it anymore. After my wife and I talked about these issues, it's been alot better than it was. I was able to talk about my problems honestly, and she didn't use it to start a fight; she was tired of arguing and fighting just as much as I was at that point.

I am happy and excited about it, but I do still have some reservations. It's okay to have some reservations; it's okay to be scared, especially with the first child.

I've decided that, when the baby is born and it's the right time to resume sex, that we'll do what we've always done. If we get pregnant again, that's okay. We prayed about the health of the baby and we thanked God that the doctor's have said she is going to be healthy. Every once in a while, I'd throw in a "please let it be on schedule next time", or a "please let it be a boy next", and we would smile and laugh.

We've started our family now, and there's no going back. I love my wife, and I love our baby girl. There's never been any reason that I shouldn't. I feel ashamed of how I felt before, but I know that it was wrong and I know that it was just a reaction I had to a situation I didn't know how to deal with at the time.


----------



## Mommybean

You are aware that it can take several different medications before you find the one that works best for you? My H had to try a couple before he settled on Wellbutrin. Your despair about your life sounds similar to how he felt about a lot, just never our children. They have always been his light even when he was in the darkest place he could be. 
Also, anti-depressants react very differently in the teenage/young adult population than they do with an adult. They are known to produce erratic behavior or thoughts of death in children and teens. The reaction you had as a teen is likely NOT to be the reaction you would have as an adult. 
As for being on medication for the "rest of your life"....why is needing meds to counteract depressive problems and different than needing a medication for your heart, or your blood pressure? The health of your MIND is just as important as the health of your body, after all. 
Lastly, if you have commited to staying with your wife and raising this baby, then you really owe it to them to get the chemicals in your brain that make you feel this way straightened out and working normally. Kids sense so much more than you realize, and if you are going to be a Dad, they deserve the best Dad you can be.


----------



## MEM2020

I remember being massively financially stressed out when we had our first accident/child. But we made it work. And now - 20 years later money is not really an issue any more. Back then it really was. 

Are you planning to get a vasectomy? 

I got one after we had our third and last child. It was quick and painless and works perfectly. Sex is a great part of being connected - you don't want to give that up due to fear of another pregnancy. 

I understand why the additional financial stress makes you angry. Have you thought about finding another job? One where you make more money. Seems like ALL of this comes down to money - which I understand fully - but if you are determined, often you can find a place where you earn more. I did that a couple times - worked out really well. 

I do think you need to recognize a few things if you want your marriage to succeed. Your wife is already bonding to this child and really does need your support. 

It seems like you find the basic idea of having a family - even the smallest size family possible - 3 people - overwhelming and frustrating. Most people are able to make this work with 2 or 3 kids, why do you think it is so much harder for you?

Are you in debt? 




localhost said:


> I promise, promise, promise that I am not trolling. I am probably somewhere between the sarcastic and the psychiatrist at this point.
> 
> I would say that my attitude is just to be completely, 100% frank about what these feelings are saying to me. I didn't want to sugarcoat any of it.
> 
> I would love nothing more to be happy and pleased, but I'm just not. If I become happy and pleased, I would be so... well, I would be very happy and very pleased, I guess two-fold.
> 
> I am just comparing the pregnancy to a social and financial death, similar to the grief people would feel over their own physical death if it were approaching in +/- 9 months.
> 
> When I was first told, the first feelings I had were of resentment, embarrassment, anger, and hatred.
> 
> A few hours ago, my wife made me talk about how I felt. She didn't get (extremely) upset like she usually does. She listened to me.
> 
> I explained many of the problems in this post. I explained that I was not saying any of this to be mean-spirited or hateful. I explained that these are just feelings that I am having, and, as a woman, she should understand having feelings that you cannot control or influence, you just have them. If you have enough of them, it effects your mood.
> 
> If it continues effecting your mood, you can easily develop hate or depression.
> 
> Most of my comments here were made out of a feeling of hopelessness. I have a history of (vastly untreated) clinical depression, and it is easier for me (and people like me) to be very bitter, pessimistic, and not care about anyone else for small periods of time than to try to work through problems that we think are not fixable.
> 
> Do I automatically know I am going to hate this child? No, of course not. Did it cross my mind? Yes, many times. Enough times to make me think that it could be true, and then enough more times to make me think that I would.
> 
> Am I happy at this point? Yes and no. I am still not all the way happy (like I said, I rarely ever am 100% happy), but I have decided that I will (if necessary, force myself to) love this child.
> 
> I have posted alot of bad things here, but I have cried myself more than my wife over the last three days, through all the fighting and pain. I was absolutely terrified of all of these feelings I had, and the easiest route was to be cold and calculating. To feel nothing, at that time, was better than to feel all of this confusion and mixed emotions.
> 
> I'm not saying that anyone should forgive me for saying the things I have, even though they were motivated by and said for the wrong reasons. I don't care if anyone does forgive me for having feelings. I am a human being, and I react and have feelings, too. They may not be popular, but they were what I was thinking and feeling at the time through my anger and resentment.
> 
> My wife needs the real me right now. If we can't work out our differences, then divorce may be in our future. But, I can't let that be from lack of trying on my part. I have to be able to say that I tried to make it work at least. Pretending everything is fine may be okay in some situations, but I promised to be truthful to my wife, and I will uphold that.
> 
> Sorry for any hard feelings about all of this.
> 
> But, for those saying that I was just here getting my "jollies" by posting up my feelings, I hope you don't treat others who have equally hard problems the same way in the future. Minimizing or trivializing someone's problems (when they are legitimate) can make them do very bad things that they wouldn't normally do. It is a common cause of suicide and self-mutilation in long-term depressions. People come here for advice, so resist your urges to trivialize, minimize, or deny the existence of someone's very real problems. Not posting would be better for that person than, basically, calling them a liar.


----------



## localhost

Mommybean said:


> You are aware that it can take several different medications before you find the one that works best for you? My H had to try a couple before he settled on Wellbutrin. Your despair about your life sounds similar to how he felt about a lot, just never our children. They have always been his light even when he was in the darkest place he could be.
> Also, anti-depressants react very differently in the teenage/young adult population than they do with an adult. They are known to produce erratic behavior or thoughts of death in children and teens. The reaction you had as a teen is likely NOT to be the reaction you would have as an adult.
> As for being on medication for the "rest of your life"....why is needing meds to counteract depressive problems and different than needing a medication for your heart, or your blood pressure? The health of your MIND is just as important as the health of your body, after all.
> Lastly, if you have commited to staying with your wife and raising this baby, then you really owe it to them to get the chemicals in your brain that make you feel this way straightened out and working normally. Kids sense so much more than you realize, and if you are going to be a Dad, they deserve the best Dad you can be.


I have tried several different medications over time. The problem is that they often have worse effects on me than my normal state of being. I am not constantly in a down, depressed mood, but I can have bouts where it is very dark. I've always dealt with the problems, and I let myself calm down of a day or two. It's worked better than the medication ever has, so I don't see why I need to be bound to it. It's just never really helped. I've tried talking about problems to doctor's, and they don't really seem to help. They try to offer solutions and tell me that it's not that bad, but sometimes things are that bad to me. I _feel_ that way, and trying to say that it's not that bad doesn't really help someone who feels like it is bad. It just makes you more distant and less willing to talk about problems.



MEM11363 said:


> I remember being massively financially stressed out when we had our first accident/child.  But we made it work. And now - 20 years later money is not really an issue any more. Back then it really was.
> 
> Are you planning to get a vasectomy?
> 
> I got one after we had our third and last child. It was quick and painless and works perfectly. Sex is a great part of being connected - you don't want to give that up due to fear of another pregnancy.
> 
> I understand why the additional financial stress makes you angry. Have you thought about finding another job? One where you make more money. Seems like ALL of this comes down to money - which I understand fully - but if you are determined, often you can find a place where you earn more. I did that a couple times - worked out really well.
> 
> I do think you need to recognize a few things if you want your marriage to succeed. Your wife is already bonding to this child and really does need your support.
> 
> It seems like you find the basic idea of having a family - even the smallest size family possible - 3 people - overwhelming and frustrating. Most people are able to make this work with 2 or 3 kids, why do you think it is so much harder for you?
> 
> Are you in debt?


I may get a vasectomy after our third depending on the time frame. We want to have two with the possibility of a third in the air depending on several factors, such as if we have two girls (I'd like to try one more time for a boy at that point), our ages and the age we would be at in ~18-20 years from the time of birth, and so forth. We decided we would cross the bridge of a third child after we see how two goes.

I agree, and especially for us, sex is a very important part of our marriage. We're both very indulgent in sex and our friends call us "rabbits" and give me strange looks when I respond to their question "How often do you... you know?" with "2 to 3 times a day average, with a minimum of 4-5 times a week when we're really tired and drained."

The money problem is present, but we've been shifting things around to make the bills work better with our current income, rather than trying to increase current income to match the bills. For instance, tax money will be paying off completely a credit card and making a dent in some other bills, so we will have emergency funding if we end up needing it.

I have some debts, and my wife has school loans that we will start paying before the child reaches one year of age.

From the second reply, I'm still not sure if some people are reading anything other than the original post, though.


----------



## TNgirl232

I am soo happy for you that you were able to turn this around. It was the inital shock that got you. It may not always be easy...but it will always be worth it.

Good luck!


----------



## localhost

TNgirl232 said:


> I am soo happy for you that you were able to turn this around. It was the inital shock that got you. It may not always be easy...but it will always be worth it.
> 
> Good luck!


Thank you. I'm also thankful for your words that you were able to stay positive with your advice through this, even though, as I see now, I seemed to be some kind of evil monster with my comments.

Again, thanks.


----------



## lastinline

localhost, I would like to share a little of my life's experience with you. One of the hardest things I have ever done in my life was transition to being a father.

Boot camp was easier. Training to become a black belt was easier. All of my medical schooling was easier. Do you know what though, nothing else I have ever done in my life was more worth while or meaningful than Fatherhood.

DAD is a title more pleasing and sweat to my ear than Dr. will ever be. It is a badge that I am more proud to wear than me 2nd degree thee. You see it as an inconvenience and an intrusion because you can't grasp the true beauty of fatherhood. Your focus is wrong.

The moment you realize that there are somethings in this world more important than you is the moment you will actually have a chance at becoming a man. Your just a boy right now, but let me tell you that your wife and your child need more from you than that. Especially now.

Simply put, you need to get up off your @ss, and make this right Sir. You need to give your wife a heart felt apology, beg for forgiveness, and then never speak of this again.

Show her it "never happened" by changing your behavior, and doing a complete 180 with your attitude. If you need to get a second job, get a second job. If you need to get up early, or stay up late then make some friggin coffee and get up early or stay up late. if her feet swell, rub them. When your baby is born, if he or she cries comfort them. 

It is not about you anymore localhost. In truth it never really was, you were just too immature to realize it. That's ok, life is about growth, and growth is often times painful.

You're afraid, I understand that. I was too. Everyone is. It's ok to be afraid. It's just not ok to be a coward. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said "The wise man in the storm prays God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear." I too pray that you'll be delivered from your paralyzing fear local host. 

Don't worry localhost your life may change, "but you'll be alright as long as you do what is right." I don't think you're a heartless bastard Sir. I think your just afraid. However, your family needs more from you than that right now. Get in the game.

LIL


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## working_it_out

I'm very happy for you that you are now able to enjoy this event in your life. Being a mother I think it's the best experience ever, but then I biased. 
My main point for posting is this. I know a couple of the others have said something about the programs that are out there to help but you have not really commented on them. I know personally I used WIC (women in children) when my husband and I had our first child. Now this program is not a 'maternity' program as such it is there to help make sure the mother gets the vitamins she needs through food and after the child (I believe you said a daughter) is born gets the same first with formula then with regular milk, cheese etc... 
It may not seem like much now by really 5 cans of formula free a month is alot off or you and your wife's budget. If you find out you don't meet the regulations for this program there are a ton more. Believe me. My husband and I where both in the military and we still qualified for some of them with both of our children and it helped alot. 
there are even ones depending on which state you live in that give you health insurance at a very low rate so your wife could still use her doctor but you would the insurance to cover it for only around 30/40 dollars a month.
I hope this helps you I know it did me when I used it. Good luck to you and your wife. I hope it's a smooth pregnancy and you have a healthy happy baby!!


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## TabbyCat

On your first post you said the plan was to wait a year and a half before you started having children, but later on you say you don't want children. Did you ever want them?

Well, what's done is done. I think you need to go spend some time alone with yourself and examine all of these feelings you are having....scream, cry, whatever. You've got to find a way to get rid of the hate you have. This baby will be here soon. I don't think you WANT to feel this way, these feelings are just happening to you. Get some books at the library, or search on-line. Maybe there are other men who have been through this.

My dad (still reeling from his horrible death) always said that if he waited until he could afford kids, he wouldn't have any. He always had love for us, even though he literally worked 2 full time jobs, and only had $2 left after paying the bills. It was hard, but us kids didn't feel it too much. Things were good. Daddy was at work a lot, but Mom was always there. She took us 3 kids with her everywhere.

My husband and I want children badly, but it turned out that we couldn't.

Just try to get through those horrible feelings you're having. Things will get better. In your mind jump ahead 20 years, from that perspective, look back. What do you see? I do this with my own life and it helps me make better decisions.

I feel for you.....I sincerely hope you find peace.

Do you realize that this child will give you the most ultimate love there is in the whole world? NO ONE will EVER, EVER love you more than this child, in the WORLD. It's almost like a second chance. You can choose.


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## localhost

working_it_out said:


> I'm very happy for you that you are now able to enjoy this event in your life. Being a mother I think it's the best experience ever, but then I biased.
> My main point for posting is this. I know a couple of the others have said something about the programs that are out there to help but you have not really commented on them. I know personally I used WIC (women in children) when my husband and I had our first child. Now this program is not a 'maternity' program as such it is there to help make sure the mother gets the vitamins she needs through food and after the child (I believe you said a daughter) is born gets the same first with formula then with regular milk, cheese etc...
> It may not seem like much now by really 5 cans of formula free a month is alot off or you and your wife's budget. If you find out you don't meet the regulations for this program there are a ton more. Believe me. My husband and I where both in the military and we still qualified for some of them with both of our children and it helped alot.
> there are even ones depending on which state you live in that give you health insurance at a very low rate so your wife could still use her doctor but you would the insurance to cover it for only around 30/40 dollars a month.
> I hope this helps you I know it did me when I used it. Good luck to you and your wife. I hope it's a smooth pregnancy and you have a healthy happy baby!!


Yeah, everyone has told me that WIC is alot easier to get than many other programs, just about anyone can qualify for it. With how expensive formula can be (if she cannot breastfeed), I'm willing to look at any option.

The sonogram says that everything is great with her. I did a little research on Google, and I was surprised to find out exactly how many things they can determine from sonogram, and it's amazing these days.

I am just glad that her work has such good benefits, they will pay her for maternity leave her regular salary. She makes more in overtime than her normal salary, but every bill won't be on me alone for the month or two until she gets back to work.


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## localhost

TabbyCat said:


> On your first post you said the plan was to wait a year and a half before you started having children, but later on you say you don't want children. Did you ever want them?
> 
> Well, what's done is done. I think you need to go spend some time alone with yourself and examine all of these feelings you are having....scream, cry, whatever. You've got to find a way to get rid of the hate you have. This baby will be here soon. I don't think you WANT to feel this way, these feelings are just happening to you. Get some books at the library, or search on-line. Maybe there are other men who have been through this.
> 
> My dad (still reeling from his horrible death) always said that if he waited until he could afford kids, he wouldn't have any. He always had love for us, even though he literally worked 2 full time jobs, and only had $2 left after paying the bills. It was hard, but us kids didn't feel it too much. Things were good. Daddy was at work a lot, but Mom was always there. She took us 3 kids with her everywhere.
> 
> My husband and I want children badly, but it turned out that we couldn't.
> 
> Just try to get through those horrible feelings you're having. Things will get better. In your mind jump ahead 20 years, from that perspective, look back. What do you see? I do this with my own life and it helps me make better decisions.
> 
> I feel for you.....I sincerely hope you find peace.
> 
> Do you realize that this child will give you the most ultimate love there is in the whole world? NO ONE will EVER, EVER love you more than this child, in the WORLD. It's almost like a second chance. You can choose.


When I said I didn't want them, it was more reactionary to the situation than anything else. I did want them, just wanted another year until the first. But, God wouldn't give us anything that we can't handle, and we can make it through with His guidance. I wholeheartedly agree that all these feelings just happened, whether I wanted them to or not.

As far as you and your husband not being able to have children, I am very sorry to hear that. You and I both know there are lots and lots of ways to possibly get a child, so I hope that you two decide to give one of those options a try and maybe it will work out for you.


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## 63Vino

Without reading all 4 pages of posts and only reading the thread start....

Life "Happens" while your busy planning it.
You will discover this over and over. Drop the stress because things didnt happen as you envisioned and be happy as if you chose it this way. This is something you wanted you say.. Just not in the sequence that you expected which is bugging you. If you're set on things happening the way you forsee them, always.. You may find yourself an unhappy person.

smile.
good luck and congratulations.


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## Croaker

it's going to take some time to adjust to it. It's a big change, and no, you weren't ready for it. My wife & I had been trying to have a child for 3 years before she got married, and I still had anxiety about it when she actually got pregnant.

First of all, birth control fails. It's a fact. And the only way you would know it "failed" is if she had gotten pregnant before. So, be grateful it didn't happen earlier, and get over it.

Second, hopefully you can work out the living situation. Get a cheaper apartment, or move further outside of town, or something. Don't know, but look into it.

There's a lot of support out there for pregnant women, as it looks like you're starting to find out. Use it. There are also people you can talk to about the stress.

Finally, yes, your life is going to change. Like it or not, you're going to be a father for the rest of your life. It's up to you to decide what kind of father your child will have.

Don't be surprised if you don't immediately bond with the baby. Fact is, for the first few months you are only important as a means of reaching mommy (and food!). Plus, newborns aren't really all that fascinating to play for more than a few minutes. They can't talk, they can't move around, they've got crappy coordination, and they throw up on you.

That changes. Go take a walk to a playground or something. One of those little people is going to be yours. Maybe you get a grubby little boy with a Pixar CARS t-shirt, or a little princess who insists on pink dresses and tights every day of the winter. Either way, you and your wife are going to be the most important people in their life for years. You will be the sun and the moon and the stars. They will have absolute faith in you. You will be stronger and smarter and faster than anybody else's daddy, ever.

My wife just turned 40 yesterday and I celebrated by essentially having a nervous breakdown; I'm in grad school piling on the bills; right now it's 1am on a saturday night and I'm at school trying to catch up before midterms & stuff next week; we're in couples counseling and considering separation; haven't had sex for 2 months & counting; I'm getting a psych consult next week for medication re depression; and no matter how depressed and horrible and awful I feel, going home and having my daughter scream "daddy!!" and run over and hug me makes it worthwhile. (not that I wouldn't like the rest of my life to be a little less overwhelming & stressful, but if it was a choice between her and my life at the moment, I wouldn't change anything, ever.)

Trust me. It's worth it.


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## Doc Savage

Dude, you stress way too much. You need to take yourself to a real psychologist and unload this anxiety before you go off the deep end.

People the guy has issues, put away the hate.

Resolution will come through time and patient handling of this issue. 

I had two jobs and was going to school full time when my first wife was pregnant with our third kid. I never wanted to be a father before 30 and had three before 25. All of them pill babies.

What he needs is what I didn't get, SUPPORT to resolve feelings. Once his feelings are resolved he will have the tools to resolve the rest.

BTW, not to sound like a goat, but you and your wife should have come to an agreement to terminate accidental pregnancies before you even had sex the first time; only if that is within your belief systems to do.

Otherwise, there is always adoption if you BOTH feel it is unreasonable to move forward with raising a child.


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## Angry_Man

This thread made me want to puke! * What the hell is wrong with you people!?!?! He doesn't want any children, what the is so hard to understand about that?* A girl I was sleeping with used reproductive fraud to draft me into fatherhood, she admitted to flushing her pills and lying to me because she wanted me to commit. I hated to after that, and I still hate her now. The OP isn't going to be happy by turning himself into a martyr and being miserable the rest of his life. He needs to run like hell from this abusive women while he still can. *Reproductive fraud is a form of sexual abuse, and women who engage in it should get the death penalty!*

Also all of you women calling this man a deadbeat are hypocrites. Over 50% of the adult female population has had an abortion at some point in their life according to planned parenthood, hundreds of thousands more women unilaterally abandon their parental responsibilities via adoption or abandonment laws. But no one ever has a problem with that! I guess the rules don't apply to you when you have a vagina. 

I'm tired of seeing men being enslaved for 18 - 22 years because our legal system is rigged to give women reproductive rights, while sticking me with all of the reproductive responsibilities. It's time to give men the same rights that women have enjoyed for decades, and allow men to walk away from fatherhood. A woman gets to make choices about her body, what goes into it, what happens to it, and what comes out of it. So she﻿ should have to live the the consequences of those choices. Stop trying to make men responsible for womens bodies' and the choices they make about their bodies. If a woman chooses to have a child then she needs to take responsibility for the choice she made and support it. Her body, her choice, her responsibility. Period.


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## FebStars

localhost: dude, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. You CAN do this.


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## DennisNLA

localhost said:


> We can't afford either, insurance or the medical bills. If we get the insurance, it cuts my total income not spent directly on recurring bills to a little less than $100.
> 
> Cable is included in rent. Cell phones are our only mode of communication, and I've offered many times to just turn mine off to save money; she refuses. We just got married recently, so her parents are still recouping from that, my dad's not really in the picture beyond the good times, and my mom already helps us as much as she can. Wife works. There's no way either one of us could work a second job, she manages a business and I am in a very-high stress job working 5 days a week. On my days off, I turn into a zombie and reappear at work barely recuperated from the week before.
> 
> I probably shouldn't have even posted. Mod can just delete this thread or whatever.


If you wanted to work a 2nd job you can. Sorry for grunching this thread. 
I currently work a high stress job up to 50+ hrs per week, commute 1 hour each way to this job, deal poker up to 1-3 nights per week for extra income. I have two kids, diabetes and up to last year worked an at home job for another 20 hours per week. I am 45 and not spring chicken. Its time to man up on the 2nd job buy the insurance and quit *****ing.


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## SweetiepieMI

Angry_Man said:


> *Reproductive fraud is a form of sexual abuse, and women who engage in it should get the death penalty!*
> Her body, her choice, her responsibility. Period.


First off the death penalty? really all i can say to that statement is :rofl: 

Secondly-havent you heard of a cool thing called condoms? If you seriously think a wife would lie to a husband to "trap" (when she already has him, he is married) then whats stopping you from putting a little rubber on to make sure?

It isnt all about the woman this and that- her body blah blah- you have choices too. Trust her when she tells u shes on the pill and take that chance, rubber up and protect yourself, or dont have sex. Simple as that-


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## Freak On a Leash

localhost said:


> I have tried several different medications over time. The problem is that they often have worse effects on me than my normal state of being. I am not constantly in a down, depressed mood, but I can have bouts where it is very dark. I've always dealt with the problems, and I let myself calm down of a day or two. It's worked better than the medication ever has, so I don't see why I need to be bound to it. It's just never really helped. I've tried talking about problems to doctor's, and they don't really seem to help. They try to offer solutions and tell me that it's not that bad, but sometimes things are that bad to me. I _feel_ that way, and trying to say that it's not that bad doesn't really help someone who feels like it is bad. It just makes you more distant and less willing to talk about problems.


Wow..this has been SOME thread!! Glad I did read it all through because I had a scathing reply based on your initial threads.  You've definitely gone in the right direction and I congratulate you on it. You've shown some real maturity and compassion and I give you a big "thumbs up!" :smthumbup:

Now, I understand EXACTLY where you are coming from. I was always a bit ambivalent myself about having kids. My husband said he wasn't sure about marrying me because of that. By the time we did decide to have them I was quite gung-ho though. Unfortunately our financial situation wasn't great either but if you wait until the "optimal" time you'll never get around to it because well, if you are just middle class working slugs like us, there never seems to BE a right time!

So my husband and I took the plunge and had two wonderful kids. Unfortunately I've always had a problem similar to yours in that I've always been rather erratic emotionally. Sometimes I was fine and sometime not and I was NEVER suicidal. How I felt really depended on the situation. Looking back to even my childhood I had problems but it really started to come to the surface in my 20s and when I had kids in my 30s it exploded. My marriage was also tanking, probably because of my mental instability but there were other factors as well. 

In any case, at first I did a lot like you did. I went to my family doctor and she gave me some pills and they didn't work. Then I went to a psychiatrist and he gave me some pills and they didn't work. I went to a therapist and they didn't see a suicidal, depressed person. I came off as a rather cheery, outgoing outwardly "normal" person who had a few issues so no one really took me very seriously. The fact that everyone is our present day society has "issues" and is looking for some magic pill doesn't help because those of us who really do have problems tend to get glossed over. 

But for me, it got worse and worse and having kids, with all the changes in my time, income, etc..all the stuff that you are concerned about...It finally came to a head. Slowly but surely I just crashed and was put into a hospital for three weeks. It was pretty awful and my husband, while he took care of the kids and kept our family business together, was not there for me (it's an issue I've dealt with to this day). It was horrible. 

But in the end it changed my life. I finally DID get the right medication and diagnosis. I eventually did find a doctor and therapist I could work with. But even then it took about 4 more years of working through everything, from tailoring the medication (I had to add another medication to the mix) and making some major life decisions before I finally arrived to the point where I am at now. 

Where am I at now? Well, my marriage is probably at it's best ever. I'm loving and enjoying my kids and I'm feeling great! I'm back at my college weight and exercise regularly (diet and exercise are BIG factors). Yes, I take medication and probably will for the rest of my life but THAT SHOULD NOT STOP YOU. If you were a diabetic would you not take insulin? If you had high blood pressure wouldn't you take medicine? Why is your mental health any different? 

I go for blood tests every 3 months and the doctor keeps an eye on things. It's a never ending process because you constantly have to adjust the medication as needed. That's why it's SO important that you deal with qualified psychiatrist, which is totally separate from psychotherapy. It's a long and involved process but it will CHANGE your life for the better! Trust me on this!

It's important that you don't gloss over this because you are indeed in for a long haul. Having children WILL change your life and it won't all be great. There were many many times that I felt JUST LIKE YOU DID and thought about just leaving. I came VERY CLOSE to leaving my husband and wanted nothing to do with my kids. I was RIGHT were you were at. I understand completely what you were feeling before! However, it's worth sticking it out. You are going to have to adjust to a lot of changes emotionally and financially and if you are mentally stable it'll make things a lot easier for not just you but your whole family. 

I grew up in a dysfunctional family with critical, unloving parents and a horrible environment. You don't want that for your kids. Trust me. It's so horrible. The few years that were bad for my family because of my issues is something that I regret deeply but fortunately I was able to save myself and them from the really deep, everlasting pain. They were young enough at the time so that it is just dim memories and my husband was able to take up much of the slack. 

I have a son with anxiety issues and ADHD. You know who reminds me of? ME. I look at my son and he is the child I was. I have done EVERYTHING my parents didn't do. I learned from their mistakes! Fortunately my husband is awesome as well with our kids. He's a great father. Together we have supported and loved our son and accepted him as he is. He is on meds and goes to a special school and made to feel great about himself. He is well adjusted and happy and suffers from none of the crap I did at his age. I am fully confident that he'll do great in life. 

Having loving supporting parents means EVERYTHING to a child! But you can only be loving and supportive as a parent if you feel good about yourself first. You must love yourself before you love someone else. How can you make others happy if you aren't happy yourself? 

My point is: It's SO important that you be emotionally healthy and happy so that you you not only enjoy your life but that you raise your family to be as well. 

Let me stress something else. Your kids don't need tons of money or material things to be happy. We aren't rich at all. My kids know that. In fact, recently my husband has had to work six days a week in order to pay some medical expenses that came up so things are super tight. But my kids are pitching in and understand and we still have great times together. 

Oh, and my parents were rich. I was the country club orphan. I never wanted for anything materially but all I knew was conflict and criticism and hate in my family. I grew up miserable and I haven't talked to my family in seven years. Best thing I ever did was walk away from them and a big part of that decision is because I didn't want to subject my kids to them. 

PLEASE get help for yourself. You will be far happier and so will your kids. Don't give up on yourself because you are worth it! 

Best of luck and again, congrats on the path you took.  :smthumbup:


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## Freak On a Leash

P.S. When you and your wife do decide to stop having kids think about a her getting her tubes tied. I know of three couples who wound up having "accidental" kids AFTER the husband had a vasectomy. 

My pregnancies were completely planned. After I had my second I went back on the pill and I was told that my medications could affect how well the pill worked and I DID not want a third child so I had my tubes tied. You have to be absolutely sure about this though. I was 37 and very, very sure that I didn't want to have any more kids.


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## pokergirl007

Wow... It sounds like your wife and child might be better off without you around everyday. Everyone deserves to feel loved, especially children... and if saving a hundred dollars a month is all it takes for you to start thinking that divorce is a viable option then do your wife and child a favour and move on so that they can have a man in their lives who really does love them.


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## DudeAbides

I had a big long personal story posted, but realized I hadn't read the whole thread. Glad to see you are in it to win it, localhost. You and your wife can do this!


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## Blonddeee

I didn't like you very much in the first posts you had written, but I'm so glad you have been able to talk things out with your wife and be in a better place about the baby. I can imagine it would be a very scary thing and you can't blame her- I have plenty of friends that have had babies on birth control- it's not perfect and being on it that long who knows if the effectivness wears off. 
Anyways- best of luck to you and your wife- things will work out- you will find a way to make things work money wise... my parents struggled when I was born, but they loved me more then I can ever thank them for... I had a wonderful childhood and it wasn't because I got everything I wanted- it was because they loved me- and they are just fine finacially now... money isn't everything and things change so just keep fighting for your happiness and your family and things will get better =)


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## blublazy

There is one thing you could consider that I am not seeing on here. Have you discussed adoption with your wife? This is not something you should throw it all away over. Your child could have a wonderful life with or without you. It was an option me and my husband talked about as we are only 22. We decided to keep him, but now we are seperated because he does not want 'all that'. The child could have a mother AND father, who would pay for all medical bills, allow you to have updates, and you can continue with your life plans until your ready. But you shouldn't be angry over her POSSIBLY forgetting her birth control one time in 10 years, if she made you wear a condom would you have been that strong? And besides, there is only 1 way to absolutly prevent pregnancy. You could even get a vasectomy and her tubes tied, and the possiblity is still there.


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## This is my life

Angry man goes a bit far but he does have some good ideas. I do not think that everyone is meant to have kids. I think that everyone posting here has changed local hosts views because of all the negative replies. I know you all want to help, but he should make the decisions he feels right with.

I am in a similar situation to local host, except I can afford a child, I just do not want one. 7 yrs ago my wife miscarried a baby and the doctor said she would never get pregnant again so we decided not to have kids. We both have good jobs, she is a manager of a popular retail store and I work with the goverment. Now, for some reason she ended up pregnant after 7yrs with no birth control and she decided to keep the baby. This is really affecting my job because I travel at least 2 weeks out of every month and my wife does not plan on quitting her job. 

This is something I do not want, she says nothing will change, but my job will not like me not being able to travel. I just feel this is my life and I am living it for me. I know it sounds selfish and yes it is. This has put a huge divide in our marriage and I am contemplating leaving my wife so I do not have to deal with this. I would rather pay child support and have nothing to do with the baby. It sounds cold, but I do not want kids, we both decided no and now I am expected to change. This really pisses off my wife and especially my parents, but I am just set in my principals. 

I have seen pictures of the baby and it has not changed my mind. I am sure my post will draw alot of heat from all the critics out there, but it is just the way I feel. I will keep eveyone informed of what happens.


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## TNgirl232

I honestly think this is a different situation from the previous poster - he was younger, not ready for it, and it was going to be a struggle just to get by.

You on the other hand are older, had made plans for your life based on what you had been told and then opps - life through one of its curveballs.

Basically - if you can't come to terms with being a father and supportive husband then yes you should leave because selfishly asking your wife not to have/keep the baby is unfair to her. Its not a choice that she should have to make - my husband or my child. Unfortunately a man can't know what it is like to have that life growing inside you - especially when you were told it would never happen - it is her miracle. You can't deal...bail and if you don't want to pay child support - sign over paternity rights...your basically a sperm donor at this point.


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## Wisp

this is my life:

Your wife will want this child and so she should. Imagine being told you cannot have a child and then a blessing WOW ..

Stop being so self centred and man up to your responsibilities, you never said no when it came to sex. So your wonderful plans will need to be redrawn. This is Life, love your wife, she deserves it and yes you will love your child when he/she arrives


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## cherrypie18

This is my life said:


> Angry man goes a bit far but he does have some good ideas. I do not think that everyone is meant to have kids. I think that everyone posting here has changed local hosts views because of all the negative replies. I know you all want to help, but he should make the decisions he feels right with.
> 
> I am in a similar situation to local host, except I can afford a child, I just do not want one. 7 yrs ago my wife miscarried a baby and the doctor said she would never get pregnant again so we decided not to have kids. We both have good jobs, she is a manager of a popular retail store and I work with the goverment. Now, for some reason she ended up pregnant after 7yrs with no birth control and she decided to keep the baby. This is really affecting my job because I travel at least 2 weeks out of every month and my wife does not plan on quitting her job.
> 
> This is something I do not want, she says nothing will change, but my job will not like me not being able to travel. I just feel this is my life and I am living it for me. I know it sounds selfish and yes it is. This has put a huge divide in our marriage and I am contemplating leaving my wife so I do not have to deal with this. I would rather pay child support and have nothing to do with the baby. It sounds cold, but I do not want kids, we both decided no and now I am expected to change. This really pisses off my wife and especially my parents, but I am just set in my principals.
> 
> I have seen pictures of the baby and it has not changed my mind. I am sure my post will draw alot of heat from all the critics out there, but it is just the way I feel. I will keep eveyone informed of what happens.


Looking at pictures of babies and being around a real one/holding one are way too different. They're not even close. Having your own baby, cuddling him, playing together, making him laugh and seeing the joy in their eyes is incomparable to any other baby or baby pic in the whole wide world. If a person is not meant to have a baby they won't have a baby. My aunt has been struggling with it her whole life. Got all kinds of tests done (both her and her husband) and they're 100% healthy. She just can't get pregnant. Now she's going through menopause and is still childless. Now SHE wasn't meant to have one. 

3 words for you: be a man.


P.S. on the other hand, maybe it's those fatherless babies who were not meant to have dads like you and are better off.


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## tamara24

I am at a loss for words. First, the pill is not 100% effective so don't blame your wife. Second,I know you are angry but things do happen for a reason. You sound so bitter and angry and all evolves around money. You say that you care about your wife? What do you think this is doing to her? Didn't she have plans to travel with you and pay down the debt. This was a surprise to her also.

When you married, you vowed for richer or poorer,sickness and in health. She needs you now and you are totally going to divorce her because things didn't go as you had planned? I would leave you!

There are all kind of things to get you through this. First of go to a financial advisor, see if you can consolidae the debt. You have a few months before the baby is born so pay down some of those bills,even if it means taking on the second job. There is all kinds of church groups that have baby showers to help pregnant moms get what they need. Can you not move in with her mom for. Awhile so you can afford the insurance pmts? This will also take off some of the financial preasure.

There are other options out there than divorcing your wife. If you love her, you will start thinking of her needs not yours. You can travel and still do all things you planned on doing,it just may not be in the right now. Go to counseling, and find ways to work through the anger and be a good husband and dad. My parents were fifteen when I was born and my mother had your attitude. She never wanted me, I ruined her life. And let me tell you she let me know it every day of my life. Now I have my own family and kids,my brother who she did everything for, doesn't even go see her unless he needs money or someone to watch the kids. Guess,who shecalls now? Me and she doesn't understand why I. Don't come see. her.You need to to start thinking we instead of me. Be there for your wife and child, they don't need your check, they need you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aedilis

Localhost,

I am a guy and I wanted to give you some advice on this subject from someone who has been on both sides of this subject all while in the same marriage. Take it or leave it, your choice.

Go to therapy and try to look at the reasons why you feel this way with someone who isn't going to judge you either way on the subject. You don't need to be given medication to deal with the issue, talk it out. It sounds to me like you have some issues from your past that might be giving you guilt over bringing a kid into the world.

I remember for me I felt the worry and angst when we found out we were going to have our 1st child together. I was worried about all the things I went through when I was younger and living at home with my parents and didn't want to put the kid through that. I went from raging inside about it, to thoughts of just up and walking out.

I went to see someone and talked these things through with someone about it. Got some realization from another person on the matter and started looking at it from a different perspective. One that I am in control. I can work my hardest to help raise our kid together. 5 years later and I still worry that I'm not a great dad and such, but I'm still glad I stuck around to make her life great.

Now, if you go through this and decide you still don't want to be around for the kid, at least man up about it. Don't be cruel about it. Stop referring to the child as 'it'. Stop with the 'I never wanted it, she did.' talk. It does no favors for you, her, or the child. Take a step back, give her the divorce, and be there financially for the kid, but in a respectful way. You never know when you might change your mind 5-10-15 years down the line. I'll give you an example of this from my personal experience.

When I started to date my wife, she was getting divorced from her first husband. She was 28, I was 24. Her husband left her with their son at 8 months old. To say he couldn't handle the situation was an understatement. In the child custody portion of the divorce, his statement to the court was as follows, "I never wanted 'it' and you did. I gave 'it' to you to make you happy." When the mediator told him that everything he says now will affect any chance at seeing his son in the future, his reply was "I don't care. 'It' can die for all I care."

Now fast forward to the boy being 13 years old. He knows I'm not his biological dad, yet he asks me, "Are you my real dad?"

I asked him, "Who takes you out to the movies and plays computer games with you all the time?" 
"You do." 
"Who helps you with your homework and taught you how to take a fish off the hook?" 
"You did."
"Who grabbed the boogie man and always flushed him down the toilet before bed each night and set up the monster traps to make sure the monsters wouldn't get you?"
"You did."
"So you have two people in your life son: one who donated some DNA to make you and someone else who took the time and energy to raise you and teach you how to be a man."
"Yeah, you're right dad."

Do I tell him all the horrible things his biological father told the court about him? Hell no. Will he find out? He could easily as that information is public records. My only hope in that is he realizes that I am his real dad for being the man and raising him and knows that he is more like me and less like the bio dad.

How does that come back to you? My point is that you can easily step out of the way without resorting to hurting the kid in the future with harsh words that you'll come to regret. Like I said, who knows if you'll have a change of heart and want to see the boy but can't because of all the harsh words left out there?

So make up your mind, be honest with her and yourself, and do the right thing for you, her, and your kid. Either be there for the kid without resentment and treat this as an opportunity or be a decent human being and step back but be there financially for the kid and maybe even emotionally somewhere down the line.


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## aedilis

Angry_Man said:


> This thread made me want to puke! * What the hell is wrong with you people!?!?! He doesn't want any children, what the is so hard to understand about that?* A girl I was sleeping with used reproductive fraud to draft me into fatherhood, she admitted to flushing her pills and lying to me because she wanted me to commit. I hated to after that, and I still hate her now. The OP isn't going to be happy by turning himself into a martyr and being miserable the rest of his life. He needs to run like hell from this abusive women while he still can. *Reproductive fraud is a form of sexual abuse, and women who engage in it should get the death penalty!*
> 
> Also all of you women calling this man a deadbeat are hypocrites. Over 50% of the adult female population has had an abortion at some point in their life according to planned parenthood, hundreds of thousands more women unilaterally abandon their parental responsibilities via adoption or abandonment laws. But no one ever has a problem with that! I guess the rules don't apply to you when you have a vagina.
> 
> I'm tired of seeing men being enslaved for 18 - 22 years because our legal system is rigged to give women reproductive rights, while sticking me with all of the reproductive responsibilities. It's time to give men the same rights that women have enjoyed for decades, and allow men to walk away from fatherhood. A woman gets to make choices about her body, what goes into it, what happens to it, and what comes out of it. So she﻿ should have to live the the consequences of those choices. Stop trying to make men responsible for womens bodies' and the choices they make about their bodies. If a woman chooses to have a child then she needs to take responsibility for the choice she made and support it. Her body, her choice, her responsibility. Period.


Wow, bitter much? I'm not naive that this stuff doesn't happen, but you can seriously step down off that cross man.


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## AFEH

localhost
My wife got pregnant before we were married. I had ten dollars in my pocket when I got married. Earned 150 a month with out goings of 175. No carpets on the floor, broken furniture and all that stuff.

I've now two sons in their 30s. You'll get through, where there's a will there's a way. You'll find it. Sounds like you've got yourself a great wife there as well.

You also know as evidenced in your thread that "this too will pass". I've read the whole thread. I couldn't believe your initial posts.

Well done for working through it.

Bob


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## gypsysouls

the pill isnt 100% effective you know . . . but maybe go and see a financial counsellor to see if they can help you figure out the financial stuff. in australia (where i am) you can access that service for free.

as for your feeling towards the baby - i cant really relate as i am probably unable to have kids and want them - but i do hope that you sort out how you feel and what you want to do. its no fun feeling the way you are now.


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## 76Trombones

I just want to suggest that you get treatment for your depression starting from now. If you keep going like this, your child will be affected in later on in his/her life. If you act all distant/hostile/whatever with the baby on a consistent basis, she/he will develop behaviours in the future that result from this. The child may end up with something like an attachment disorder which, without treatment, will basically destroy their life.

Treatment does not equal medication. Medication is a cop out. It is good for keeping you level while you are sorting out your issues, but it is not a cure, contrary to popular belief. You need to figure out what your issue is that leads you to this depressed state (you said you had battled with this for a long time so its obviously an in-depth issue). I had a similar thing in that I had severe clinical depression for 13 years but did not know what my issue was. I had just been like that.. always. Medication does not fix an issue, I found out. Eventually out of desperation I thought I'd try a psychotherapist (don't knock it until you've tried it, I said at the time). They are sneaky buggers those psychotherapists... its great! The floodgates opened and this issue that I was not aware of, but must have been festering inside my subconscious for my whole life, came out. It is a slow process, dealing with an issue that leads to long term depression, but it really is worth it. I don't know what the system is where you live but where I am you get a certain number of free sessions depending on the severity of your depression. I had no money so after those sessions were up, I had developed a rapport with this therapist and she is now offering me sessions at a highly reduced rate that I can afford. Maybe you could come to a similar arrangement? Hell, if you found out what your particular issue is, you could work on it yourself also in the mean time.

So yeah.. do something about it. You are not living life... you are living in a hollow shell of what your life could be. Might be time to do something about this.


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## phyxius

Angry_Man said:


> This thread made me want to puke! * What the hell is wrong with you people!?!?! He doesn't want any children, what the is so hard to understand about that?* A girl I was sleeping with used reproductive fraud to draft me into fatherhood, she admitted to flushing her pills and lying to me because she wanted me to commit. I hated to after that, and I still hate her now. The OP isn't going to be happy by turning himself into a martyr and being miserable the rest of his life. He needs to run like hell from this abusive women while he still can. *Reproductive fraud is a form of sexual abuse, and women who engage in it should get the death penalty!*


Where did he say his wife admitted to intentionally "forgetting" to take the pill? You are an ignorant prick!

Now back to the real matter.

Localhost, I really do hope you are happy with this child. I know from second hand experience (my husband's father left him at age 5 and has never seen him again) that a child doesn't need both parents around to be the most loving, caring and amazing person in the world. Although, to stay out of the child's life for good if things don't work out for you is the wrong thing to do. Yes, my husband is happy now, but there are sometimes when I know he's thinking about how things could have been and how miserable he is knowing that his father couldn't take the time in his life to see him. Before we got married he wanted to find his father and then decided against it. And ever now and then we talk about looking around. He missed having that "man" to show him how to be a man. To teach him things only a father can do for a son. He's even afraid now that with our child on the way that he'll even know what to do as a father. Granted you may have a daughter, but life without my dad would have been horrible. Girls need their fathers too.

I really hope things work out for you. Try things out and if it doesn't work, you're child will know that you at least tried.


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## humpty dumpty

I guess that you have got over your shock at finding out that your about to become a father , and its ok to feel sad and worried about the future, Its normal to have some worrys .
you had planned to have children together in the future ..well sometimes plans dont work out the way we want them to .. 
Me and my husband have six children in our lifes 2 were planned , 2 were through my brothers death ( we addopted his girls ) 1 was a result of his affair ...and 1 and very happy accident ... what im trying to say is that once you haveyour child in your arms and they start to toddle around and smile you cant help but be thankfull to be part of there lifes .
money worrys are real ...but so will be the love you have for you child ...give it a go ..relax and be the daddy your child deserves


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## lynst

The child you resent is NOT the problem. This "thing" did not create itself. I don't care how financially worried you are. That does not excuse your attitude. I am beginning to wonder if all men only care about themselves, because obviously that is all you care about. The doctor visits for prenatal care are only once a month. Your wife could consider having a homebirth with a midwife as to avoid costly hospital bills when the baby is born. OR she could have the baby at the hospital anyway. Do you know that hospitals WILL set you up on a payment plan. Also, when they find out you don't have insurance, that will automatically cause them to charge you less than they would charge us who ARE insured. Is your wife and this baby what you love? Or is money all that matters?


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## lynst

This is my life said:


> Angry man goes a bit far but he does have some good ideas. I do not think that everyone is meant to have kids. I think that everyone posting here has changed local hosts views because of all the negative replies. I know you all want to help, but he should make the decisions he feels right with.
> 
> I am in a similar situation to local host, except I can afford a child, I just do not want one. 7 yrs ago my wife miscarried a baby and the doctor said she would never get pregnant again so we decided not to have kids. We both have good jobs, she is a manager of a popular retail store and I work with the goverment. Now, for some reason she ended up pregnant after 7yrs with no birth control and she decided to keep the baby. This is really affecting my job because I travel at least 2 weeks out of every month and my wife does not plan on quitting her job.
> 
> This is something I do not want, she says nothing will change, but my job will not like me not being able to travel. I just feel this is my life and I am living it for me. I know it sounds selfish and yes it is. This has put a huge divide in our marriage and I am contemplating leaving my wife so I do not have to deal with this. I would rather pay child support and have nothing to do with the baby. It sounds cold, but I do not want kids, we both decided no and now I am expected to change. This really pisses off my wife and especially my parents, but I am just set in my principals.
> 
> I have seen pictures of the baby and it has not changed my mind. I am sure my post will draw alot of heat from all the critics out there, but it is just the way I feel. I will keep eveyone informed of what happens.


Well, you may not want kids, but you have one anyway. And even if you leave, it will NOT remove the fact that you're a father. I believe all men care about is themselves. If you cared about anything else, you wouldn't say the things you say. You don't have "principles." You disgust me.


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## ladtbug81

I am having a hard time understanding why you really feel this way. Were you happily married with your wife before she told you she was pregnant? If so how could you treat her this way. Its not like she did it on purpose. These things do just kinda happen sometimes.

State insurance covers pregnant women that do not have insurance, 95% of the time regardless of income. Plus to make it easier all she has to do is tell them you refuse to put her on your insurance. Also now there is considered a third person in your household. Might be able to get on food stamps one the baby os born and she can start WIC now.

When it comes to child support alot of things are facored in. the most obvious it goes off of how much you make before taxes and insurance. You might end up paying more than you think. As for signing your rights away the mother has to agree to it first. 

I totally understand in a sense of what you fell. But you did say that ou two were already planning on having a child even is as little as a year. Well you have 9 months to prepare.

I have 3 kids, 11, 8, and 2. I am only 28 years old. My first husband came in and out of my life as he pleased. I was a single mom for a VERY long time. If I can do it so could you. There are programs for families with kids. You can get the help. Did you know that your electric company gives discounts based on income and family size. 

If you are going to take just one peice of advice let it be this....Dont do anything yet. Dont make this kind of life alternating choice while youare so upset and mad. You might regret it later. You have nine months to save and scrimp and figure things out. It can be done and you can do it.

But please just sit on it.


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## Eli_Erdwell

This is sad for me to read. But I think I have to agree with daddy dearest. My father abandoned me before I was born because he felt he was too young to have a kid, even though they (my parents) both admit that I was fully planned on.

You at least are agreeing to pay child support, even if it's only because it's such a bargain for YOU. This child isn't even born yet and all you're worried about is yourself... not your wife, who is probably under a lot of stress right now with her hormones + a husband rejecting a piece of her INCLUDING all the bills you both have to pay, and not the child, who doesn't even get a say because he/she isn't even born to say whether or not they want you.

I wish every day of my life I had my father. He made it very clear that he didn't want me, even though he went through the motions for the first 2 years to be the best dad he could. Then he dropped me because I was 'too much of a hassle to deal with' at the time.

I have a daughter now. The timing was just about as perfect as yours. My husband was terrified and at first told me he didn't want 'it'. It tore my heart out to hear him say it. We have lots of bills to pay. But we kick our asses every day to make sure she's not going without, because we LOVE her and each other. If you love your wife, truly love her, you'd stop whining like a five year old about how _bad_ your life is and all these _horrible_ bills will just keep popping up.

Instead your love would make you at least TRY to be supportive for her. Go to councelling with her if you think you're getting what you paid for by coming on here. Talk about your options with a mediator. Just please sort out what it is you're going to do BEFORE the child arrives, because if anything, it's not fair to bring a child into a world of pure chaos.


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## Jonathan

This is absolutely one of the funniest message board posts I have ever read. As a result, I did a blog post on it. I would like to thank everyone for their contributions. I'm totally going to email him and ask what came of it. I hope he goes on an SSRI and starts donking his wife again. 

A child will destroy your marriage: "My wife is pregnant and I cant say I'm very pleased"


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