# D-Day#2



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I didn't understand this term until a few days ago... lucky me. WH and OW txting over a dozen of times since first D-day of May. So, what do I do about it? I 've never been in this role before so I'm at lost. The only thing I do know, it hurts. 

Upon learning about the multi txting, I lost it, and demanded my husband not come home after his trip. He was no longer welcomed. "Go live with your mother! I don't care, just go !"

My son begged me to let him come home until he leave for University. I did, but told my husband I needed 4 demand met first. I gave him time to think it over. My demands were, I wanted 4 new NO CONTACT sent to her again, emails (2) and to her phone, and a mail delivered letter with the same information to be sign for when delivered. This way I will know she understands to stay away, and he is proving to me, who he would rather protect. (am I wrong in this thinking?) Anyway, he said no, he wont do it. He feels the affair was over in May, besides, she just wanted to make sure he and I were doing ok !!!! 12x? I ve learn one thing fast about WS, double what they say when throwing numbers out...


And now he just informed me, he wants these 5 things in his relationship , 1.an easy connection, 2,fun, 3.safety, 4.mutual respect, 5.physical chemistry . "Tell me , do we have these? Can you put this whole affair behind you and go on in a loving relationship with me ? All I wanted was to be closer to you and that is part why I had the affair." Where is love on his list ? 

I understand we all want those things in a relationship, but, my god, this guy just changed my whole life and I am supposed to say, "sure, I can do that, how about tomorrow?" 

Please once again, those who came before, help me out here... 

~sammy


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

he is blame shifting. You caught him and he is trying to make it your fault for not being loving enough,
You are not at fault. The person who has the affair is looking for something in themselves. 

he really is not facing up to the reality of his actions. She MAY have been checking to see if you were Okay. In the weird world of an affair this is acceptable. Supporting each other. puke.
The problem is that he just busted whatever trust you had built up down to zero again.
Putting it behind you is going to take Three to Five years! He needs to do most of the work..


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

So now what do I do with him refusing to do as I ask ? He is making me feel crazy all over again. I have no grounds to stand on. 

~sammy


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You have already stated your terms and he refused, have you exposed her to her family and friends? 

Do not take any blame for the affair , you both have equal share in the marriage issues he is 100% responsible for the affair, the two are not linked , he is blame shifting.

You expose his ongoing affair to his parents, her parents, co-workers and anyone else who influences her life . Buy the "surviving an affair" by Harley there are templates therein. You said he can't come back unless he agrees I suspect he came back is cake eating and dictating the terms, kick him out. If he texted her during work hours let both her compqny and his know they are conducting an affair on company time using company resources .

Plan these exposures , say nothing to your husband and do them . Your husband and the OW are playing with you and it is time you showed them you can fight. 

A first step is to strip all the financials into an account you control, if that means maxing out credit cards that he is accountable for do so , waywards play dirty when the chips are down , best you be one step ahead.

As this is a D day 2 it implies they are going to carry on for a long time. The only persons they care for are themselves, steel yourself for a long haul or divorce , your marriage can be saved but not on their terms , fight ruthlessly and with conviction. Exposure is what most wayward fear your task is to find her parents, friends family , co workers and expose ber adultry . I have previously posted exposure ltemplates on TAM.

Btw: if you think she has any remorse for what she has done think again, there are OW's on affair site that a full of glee when the married man contact them after D day, they say he loves them that's why he reconnect, the only ones that are shaken are those whose world are turned upside down by exposure . The exposure against her has to be planned and acted on at the same time , no drip drip.

You are at war against two waywards anything they say is rubbish , they will invent and rewrite history to suit themselves
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Sammy, this is not on you whatsoever. Do not let him even try to put any of the blame on you, after all you were both in the same marriage and you certainly didn't see the need to develop a relationship with someone else. He is trying to protect himself and his own interests. As you know, Sammy, after my WW broke NC I kicked her out of the house with which resulted in her seeing life, for real, for the first time. She is now back, the divorce papers are in a draw, written up and ready to post should I be messed around one more time.
Put yourself as the first and primary, Sammy. You DESERVE better, you EXPECT better and, whether it is with him or without him, you will GET better.

Take care and best wishes

N-B


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

Tell him his affair is not your fault and he is not in any position to make demands. Do not let him move back in until he realizes this. Tell him if he tries to play your son against you in this, then your son should be told the whole story.

Personally, his response would have put me on the phone with a divorce lawyer.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's clearly blame shifting. 

You told him the consequences, now you must follow through or else he will push and blame and push. What he asks for in a relationship is reasonable, BUT only once the trust is there again.

If he wants those things his job is to rebuild the trust. So far he's failing at that. So far things like blame shifting are further killing the trust. If he really wants those things he needs to change is ways and work on the marriage.

Call him on it, and follow through on what you've told him are the consequences. Hopefully that will show him that his current path isn't going to take him where he wants to be.

Remember - you can't negotiate a WS back to being faithful - you can only demand it and refuse to accept anything else.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I have gotten all financial paper together, did that this week. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week, highly referred. I know I don't want to divorce immediately, but want to learn as much about separation as I can... this is all new to me. 

I answered his 5 questions this morning to him, and said no to each one. I told him his affair has changed me beyond words. I also told him I am finished fighting for our marriage. I don't fight for a male, never have, never will, (my son being an exception, and my male saint bernard)

I told him this is what I offer. I have am not fighting him anymore with his allegiance for the OW. I have no idea yet if I can return to this marriage or want to. I am keeping the lawyer appointment, I will cont MC with you, and I will try to find what little joy that is left in my life at the moment and enjoy it. I can only see how we relate on a daily bases, to even try to understand where we are. 


Why is it I read many post here on couples relating well after an affair? How do you all just go about it in a normal way? How can people look at the face that betrayed them and hold them close to the heart again ? I feel like I am missing something here? Why is it so hard for some to move on together and others can ? 


~sammy


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your questions on the last paragraph are answered as follows:

The only way things get better is if the wayward is truly remorseful , accepts the affair is totally their fault and does everthing plus more to rebuild the marriage, they do this without prompt because they want to remain married and love their spouse.

As for MC if you are paying for it stop, change this to IC for yourself.

It looks like your husband is looking for an out and is going to try blame you, make sure the papers use adultery as the reason and name the OW.

What was his response to you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

His response was "Please, Please, Stop, I want to save my marriage." 


The trouble is, I don't think I do, and I haven't come to terms with it as it is sooo painful . Almost 30 years out the door. 


~sammy


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Why is it I read many post here on couples relating well after an affair? How do you all just go about it in a normal way? How can people look at the face that betrayed them and hold them close to the heart again ? I feel like I am missing something here? Why is it so hard for some to move on together and others can ?


You are not missing anything. Those who have R, and did it in a healthy way, were able to do it because the cheating spouse did what your husband will not do. Take responsibility w/o blaming the partner, go NC, be transparent, and work through the process - not just try to pretend it didn't happen. Yes, some say they R without this occurring but I feel they were just sweeping it under the rug and the dirt will surface eventually.

You assertive yourself well and should be proud for doing so. He is still in a fog and your actions may help break it. If it does, and you still wish to R, anything is possible. If it doesn't, then just know you have shown that you will make it through this because you have the strength to stand up for yourself and do what you know is best for you. If you followed other member's stories here, then you know that can be a rare quality sometimes.

Time to start focusing on you, and living your life for YOU. Good luck!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sammy one step at a time, in the meantime file , if he is serious about the marriage he will commit and do what needs to be done , he has until the divorce court day to evidence this. From an outside view he is cake eating. 

Focus on you, avoid relationship talk, if he brings it up go back to boundaries, permanent no contact and him evidencing this on a daily basis. Change the topic thereafter and prep yourself for the next step.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Sammy,

I am sooo sorry, ugh this is a tough one. Remember though, you come first. He is blame shifting, as everyone is saying. Unbelievable, this is really awful! I am at a loss for words, sorry.

*hugs*

Lily


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your advise. Hubby arrived home with his book in hand, "Why Good People Have Affairs", he asked me to sit with him as he wanted to read me a chapter. It turned into 3. It was on trust, healing, and rebuilding. It is written for the WS. As he finished he looked at me and said , "sigh*... I get it, I get it now. I get everything you have been telling me and I understand how wrong I did you. I will agree to your 4 demands, and put my pain aside and ask only what I can do for you to help you through this, I love you more than life itself, always have alway will, and promise you, I will never do anything like this again, to you, or anyone, even if we don't make it and am sooo sorry I hurt you so badly. "

I sat and listen. I told him I am still going to the lawyer, understand what I need for separation, & will have it completed, (Thx N-B ) If once there is contact, I file and you are homeless. I told him I would allow him back in the house, but he still lives in the den. 

I really don't know what to do next , because I really haven't come to terms of what I think I want. I will say this, one doesn't come out of this experience the same as they went in. I am a changed person. This whole process is just so weird and mind blowing !

I just don't know if its too late...

~sammy


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Sammy3, this is perfectly understandable. While I was fortunate enough to have a WW who was remorseful and understanding, no one is perfect. Even the little tiny insignificant slipups she made were incredibly painful to me….often sending me right back to D-Day feelings.

We are totally hypersensitive to anything that can be construed as inappropriate communications with the OM/OW or even the opposite sex for that matter.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

When he tells me he loves me and cannot see his life without me, it doesn't affect me. It used to, but not anymore, I so know how you feel Sammy, it has changed us a great deal. 

How to trust again, that is a difficult one. He was on his computer doing work and for a split second I thought, what if he's chatting with her. I immediately got real angry. My mood changed instantaneously without even knowing if it was what I suspected. 

I guess you need to look deep inside yourself and really think about what you want + need.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

And that is a good book....


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

sammy3 said:


> Why is it I read many post here on couples relating well after an affair? How do you all just go about it in a normal way? How can people look at the face that betrayed them and hold them close to the heart again ? I feel like I am missing something here? Why is it so hard for some to move on together and others can ?
> 
> 
> ~sammy


Since I decided to take the 90 moratorium on leaving my marriage, this time have giving me the opportunity to see my wife in a different light. While what she did is unacceptable to me, I am starting to see it was not personal to me on her part. She would have done this to any man she married. I also see that some of her short comings, as a wife, are part of her weakness as an individual. I am actually starting to feel sympathy for her as a person. Weird...


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## anonymiss (Jul 20, 2011)

A dozen times? I have over 100 pages where 75% of the texts are from H to OW. One whole page of 80 txts to her in one day and 1 txt to me. Makes me feel like a million bucks


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Sammy. I know your a long way from this but i want to tell you it can get better. My wife slipped and contacted the OM only once 2 months in. I was ready to file and even started to cancel a family trip to see my son in Dallas I was so hurt and so ready to file. Now 9 months out with the right ACTIONS by her - not words. I think you'll be surprised by my reaction to new revelations in our MC session tonight - posted this for disbelief:
Here's one for you disbelief. A hell of a session at MC tonight. Two things. My wife made it clear once again she cannot understand why I wanted to R with her. How could I still love her in spite of everything. She did not feel worthy of my love and devotion and desire to always be there for her. Going into her knee replacement surgery this wednesday she didn't feel worthy of the burden she was going to be. The MC flat out asked me why. I explained that there were times when I felt done, especially when she refused NC. But what got me to hold on despite her unwillingness to give me any hope was my love for her. I mentioned how torn up I was when I travelled missing her and wanting her. She said " I couldn't understand that because when you got home you weren't that close." I explained I was as close as she would let me be, that it was like trying to cuddle a porcupine - there were three in our marriage though I didn't know it and she didn't accept my love like I wanted her to. The MC jumped in and reminded her that everyhting that was a problem with me in our marriage was a lack of involvement in her life and a lack of intimacy that I craved. She rejected it at the time and only saw my angry responses to her rejection. He made it clear to her that she had to forgive herself and open up to my love and that it would help me immensely. I reinforced that on the way home. She also vocalized that she wondered how the OM was doing. I responded I would expect that, he was a friend of both of ours for more than 30 years and she had developed an attachment to him in spite of not wanting to admit it. I understood why she would wonder, I hated it, but I understood it. I also explained it was very important to be honest about those feelings - it showed she was being honest and that was more important than the feelings and gave me the opportunity to help her resist the urge to contact him. A very emotional but very revealing and helpful session.

I truly pray your wife can eventually open you the same way and I encourage you to encourage her to find forgiveness for herself. It is the biggest and hardest step for her to move forward.


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