# Have I waited too long? What should I do?



## Cranberries (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi everyone.. I've never posted here before but I thought this may be a good place to go...

My husband and I were married in 2004 and this July will be 7 years married. I was 24 years old and he was 30 when we got married. It hasn't all been a bed of roses, especcially the first couple years, but we've for the most part learned to live with each other, which isn't always easy. 

When we first got married we DID have the baby conversation and we agreed that after awhile we would have a child. I wouldn't say the conversation was in depth or anything, but I wad definitely left with the impression that children were on the table in the future. 

Around the 2 years married mark I began desiring to start a family. I was 26 years old... I began reading everything I could about children and conception... but every time I brought it up to my husband he would always say "not right now" or "now's not a good time"... or he wouldn't even answer me. I took me about a year to just not ask anymore. 

I of course did bring it up from time to time between 28 and 30 years old and was always shot down. Many times when I would try to bring up the subject at all he would say "I don't want to fight right now." I can't even have a conversation with him....... Last year when I was 30 I found out my best friend was pregnant. I had a small collection of "baby stuff" I had in my drawer and I told the husband that I was going to give it to my best friend for her baby... he told me to hold off and we would start having a family after our cruise that May... I was soooooo excited!!!!!!!! We went on our cruise and did try... for one month. Then he changed his mind... and that was it. I did give my best friend my collected stuff.

I turned 31 years old and it was this last December.... I started putting a lot of thought into it, and decided that DH and I wanted different things. It broke my heart but I told him I wanted a divorce because we wanted different things. After he realized I was serious he started begging and pleading to stay together. He agreed again to have a child... we picked out names (LOL I know.. so soon), we talked about ways to possibly decorate the babies room. BUT we also had had a vacation planned with diving, so even though I didn't want to give him time to think about it.... I decided to wait for the vacation. This time was "different" though and I really felt like we were going to start trying. 

We got back from our vacation yesterday and he's changed his mind again.....

I'll be 32 this month and I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to just say "I don't want a kid." He keeps coming up with stupid reasons to blame me for why he wants to wait again... Like I asked him too many times if he was still wanting to try... or I brought up a name after he thought we'd already picked them out??? Doesn't that just sound ... dumb. Some may be thinking that I harped on it, but if I brought something up once every two week that was a lot.

He's 37 now and I'm 32... and honestly... I feel like if I keep waiting it just won't happen and I will resent him my entire life. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum today because I'm feeling like my child rearing years are slipping away. 

I'm really thinking this is going to end up in divorce. Children are a deal breaker to me. I'm just really starting to resent him for not coming out and saying that he doesn't want them.... why lead me on????


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

This is a tough one.
If he is that much on the fence, do not have a child with him. He will be having one with you just to keep you and he will resent you and your child down the line.

I know you had the discussion about having kids down the line, but are people entitled to change their mind? That seems to be the issue.

Ask yourself this, what if you and your H. Do end up divorcing and you don't meet someone else? What if you did meet somebody wonderful but found out he didn't want children either?

This is such a difficult issue because I feel you both are right in your positions. There is no easy way to work through this without somebody getting their heart broken.

I really, really wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Does he have ANY material objections he can speak to?


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## Cranberries (Jun 5, 2011)

He's seems good with it for awhile.. then as time goes on he changes his mind. The problem is that he doesn't "speak" about anything.. he just chooses to ignore it or not talk about it. I can't have a conversation about it because he doesn't participate. The few things he has brought up have been cop outs. It's funny.. our only argument has been about whether or not to have a child really... aside from silly petty stuff. This morning he used me "bringing up different names, when we already picked them out"???? and that I questioned him a few times this week ... HELL YEAH I did... I'm nervous that what happened last year was going to happen again and he was quiet about it and ignoring it... 

Monetarily we are stable.. both with secure good paying jobs... We are homeowners. I work school hours, which would be PERFECT. He did say today that we would have to put off any trips and vacations for a few years and everything would change... which made me believe that he didn't want to change his lifestyle. When he said that I asked him if he was changing his mind.. he didn't answer and then said he didn't want to fight. Sounded like a yes to me.. though I hate putting words in his mouth..

I have a feeling that I'm going to be the one getting my heartbroken.....  There should be a cry smiley because it's what I've been doing all morning.. 

Thanks for your replys... I know this is an impossible situation...you are probably right delinquentgirl....


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

It's not impossible, it's just difficult.

My H & I do not have any kids together. I have 2 from a previous M and he has 1 from a previous R (never married)
When we got together, we went back and fourth on whether or not to have a child. First he wanted one, and vice versa. We actually did get pregnant on accident in the beginning of our R and I was so upset because I did not want another child. That pregnancy ended in miscarriage and I was so depressed and angry with myself because I didn't realize how badly I did want this child until I couldn't have it.

It sounds like your H is afraid that things will change between the 2 of you, and not for the better. I won't lie, I know lots of couples whose marriages went to h*ll after they had kids because their lives became all about the kids and their marriage was put on the back burner. It happens quite a bit, but not always. That could be what is scaring your H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

My opinion on this is that your husband do not really want any children. For whatever reason he has which could be childhood related, physically unable, fear of raising children or freedom to do things without having to deal with kids *needs to come out*.

The hedging part comes from him not wanting to upset you to the point of you losing hope and wanting out of the relationship. So he keeps you on this merry-go-round, but unfortunately this won't go on forever because sooner or later, you will come to your senses. As I've said before, there comes a time when enough is enough.

One word of advice though. DO NOT have children with your husband unless you feel that he REALLY wants them. He would NOT be doing you any favors if he were to just give in and have kids because YOU want them. 

You could wind up more miserable than you are now (as well as you children) and could one day be stuck with having to raise them by yourself.

...and as cruel as this may sound, you may realize one day that you're NOT getting any younger (nor getting any happier) and cutting your loses may be your best option. He may be better off with someone who DOESN'T want kids, while you go and find someone who can not only love you but also share the enjoyment of having children with you.

Here's hoping the best for you.


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## pana1089 (Feb 24, 2012)

Have you considered counseling? Maybe that will get him to talk to someone since he isn't sharing with you. Maybe it could get him to get over his fears of having kids. Oh, tell him you will stop at one.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

pana1089 said:


> Have you considered counseling? Maybe that will get him to talk to someone since he isn't sharing with you. Maybe it could get him to get over his fears of having kids. Oh, tell him you will stop at one.


Just an FYI, @pana1089... this thread is 4 years old.


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