# Maybe I Don't Want to Reconcile



## WhyDoIFeelThisWay (Sep 24, 2012)

Just wondering has any of the betrayed spouses here at TAM thought they wanted to reconcile at first but then realized they can't get past the lies and infidelity, even if the wayward spouse is doing the heavy lifting needed?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thats perfectly normal. When it comes to infidelity many have different stances. Some can leave it be, others its one and done with them. 

Just a different set of morals. 

I tried R for a bit, but it failed. She wasn't really remorseful, but in hindsight even if she was I still wouldn't have trusted her again with the ridiculously high scale nature of her infidelity. 

If you can't get past it, don't force yourself as that would only make you miserable.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Yes! My heart and brain play have this battle everyday. I am relatively new to the betrayed spouse world. I have only known about his PA for 5 weeks. But I did already file for divorce, so I guess I have decided on no way of reconciling. I guess all and all, a EA/PA is a deal-breaker.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Absolutely... though my ex W never really tried to do any heavy lifting, she was done and gone as much as I didn't want her to be. If she had wanted to R, or if I hadn't taken it upon myself to cut through the trickle truth, it would have been more complicated for me to get the the acceptance of my marriage ending. But I soon came to see that I would always be less than her #1.


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## MrMathias (Nov 19, 2012)

I was very much willing to reconcile with my wife, when I thought her affair was kissing and cybersex. In reality it had been an oral PA, and of course she lied about it. If she had told the truth to her IC and me maybe we'd be in a different place. 

Once she knew I was back on board the marriage, she and OM reconnected and she escalated it to full on penetrative PA and fulfilled some of his fantasies. 

Needless to say I'm not happy and I haven't said I will even try to R. I wish there was some way to get it through to cheaters that lying and trickle truth are marriage murderers, worse than the actions in many cases.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

DrMathias said:


> I was very much willing to reconcile with my wife, when I thought her affair was kissing and cybersex. In reality it had been an oral PA, and of course she lied about it. If she had told the truth to her IC and me maybe we'd be in a different place.
> 
> Once she knew I was back on board the marriage, she and OM reconnected and she escalated it to full on penetrative PA and fulfilled some of his fantasies.
> 
> Needless to say I'm not happy and I haven't said I will even try to R. I wish there was some way to get it through to cheaters that lying and trickle truth are marriage murderers, worse than the actions in many cases.


I have read some of your wife's posts, regarding her affair. And I just wanted to let you know how much respect I have for you. It has helped me understand the difference between the WW and BS thought processes and perspectives on the affair. I wish you all the luck and I am sorry for what you and your child have endured.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DrMathias said:


> I was very much willing to reconcile with my wife, when I thought her affair was kissing and cybersex. In reality it had been an oral PA, and of course she lied about it. If she had told the truth to her IC and me maybe we'd be in a different place.
> 
> Once she knew I was back on board the marriage, she and OM reconnected and she escalated it to full on penetrative PA and fulfilled some of his fantasies.
> 
> Needless to say I'm not happy and I haven't said I will even try to R. I wish there was some way to get it through to cheaters that lying and trickle truth are marriage murderers, worse than the actions in many cases.


If his fantasy was to break up a family and to have sex with the mother of a babe in arms, then, yes, he had some of his fantasies fulfilled.


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

It depends on the depth of the betrayal I guess.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

idkwot2do said:


> It depends on the depth of the betrayal I guess.


Or what is a deal breaker for the betrayed.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

WhyDoIFeelThisWay said:


> Just wondering has any of the betrayed spouses here at TAM thought they wanted to reconcile at first but then realized they can't get past the lies and infidelity, even if the wayward spouse is doing the heavy lifting needed?


Yes, I would be in that camp.

She didn't do much heavy lifting at all though.
Instead, she tried to pretend it didn't happen and go
back to the way things were before.

This only showed me that she had no idea of just how
much pain she caused by what she had done to me, our
kids and our family.

I couldn't, can't and won't live or be with someone like that.


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