# Anyone completely marginalised by wife's Facebook and Cellphone use?



## Jimbob82

Hi there guys, new poster here, and was hoping to get some of your thoughts on your wife's usage of Facebook, and also just general Internet usage on Cell Phones, to see if your story is similar to mine?

The reason I ask is because my wife (I'm 30. She's 36 -been together 8 years, married for 4) is quite simply NEVER off either Facebook, or Online forums on her Cell Phone internet function (as far as I can tell, its generally chatting to other mothers she knows in real life, or virtually, as we have 4 kids, aged 1,5, 13 and 15 - the eldest are stepsons).

I know this may seem perfectly innocent, but it's really starting to annoy me the way she is literally never off her phone. Weekdays, weekends, evenings and nights - 7 days a week, 365 days a year, you name it. Been ongoing and worsening about 18-24 months since she got the phone.

Every time I look at her, whether it's on a morning at 7:15am when I'm helping get the kids ready before I go to work, or on an evening, when the kids are in bed after 9pm - all I see is her gawping at, mainly Facebook, and also the other online forums. The same applies right up to our bedtime, usually about 11:15. I purposely quit facebook (permanently!) last year as I wanted to spend time with my wife and kids, and not be distracted by the stupidity and dullness of it. I also never sit looking at my phone on an evening. I have no need to.

When I try to speak to her about stuff, asking how she's doing, whether we could get the kids looked after and go out sometime, general positive chit chat, she makes no eye contact or give sort of monosybalic answers like 'yeah' or 'cool' (which to me sounds like 'Whatever!'). The only time she is upbeat and happy is if she has seen something she'd like to buy. 

What saddens me is she never asks what kind of day I've had, or how i'm doing - something I always ask her. She rarely kisses me, or shows any affection on a daily basis. Even when I go out on a morning, she doesn't even look at me as I kiss her on the cheek, and kisses to the mouth are ice cold pecks. I guess I just miss those spontaneous little arms around the waist, the unexpected passionate kisses or back massages your partner gives you from time to time. They rarely, if ever, occur now.

In fact, The worst part for me is when I do go to either kiss her or touch her, and generally try to get her interested, 95% of the time she tends to flinch away from me and act really, really annoyed, like I'm invading her personal space - when I guess I'm only really after some warmth and conversation from her. I appreciate she's had a busy day with the baby, but I do more than enough to help out and regularly put the littlest ones to bed. 

I make the majority of meals and do so much other stuff to make her life easier. But her mentality seems always to be 'I'm going on FB / Cell Phone - this is my time, screw everything else.' She even gets annoyed if one of the kids interrupts 'her' time on the phone - I rarely see her actually playing or smiling with the kids.

Examples of recent stuff thats really annoyed me:

Last night, she said she was going to bed at 10:30 to sleep - I was just gonna stay down and watch the rest of my dvd for an hour or so. Her body language (rolled eyes, big sighs, cold shoulder) indicated that any Fun or intimacy was off the cards - as it is most nights. I went up at 11:30, to be confronted by, you've guessed it, the familiar blue sreen illuminating her staring face, and she got really ratty when I came in, saying 'Oh well I guess i'm going to have to go to sleep now.' - She turned the phone off, turned over and sighed 'I'm not having sex with you tonight, deal with it.' Before we went to sleep I noticed 'Missed Calls - 2 and Messages - 1' on her phone. When I woke up at 7am on the morning it said 'Missed Calls - 7 and Messages -2' on the phone? Is this a red flag, or am I over-reacting?

Saturday night is always, or at least used to be 'Our' night - kids in bed, film on, wine, chocolate and doritos, which we do still make a point of doing. However, she has little or no attention span with the film, and will be grabbing that damn phone and staring gormlessly into it during the film, or the second the credits roll - what is so important and amazing that you have to look at your cellphone / Facebook at 11pm on a Saturday night when you're meant to be chilling with your partner. I do no, and would not do this to her!

I just feel like this has come between me and her, but if I mentioned it, she'd go on the defensive and tear my head off (she can be quite volatile). I really love this woman, but am just not getting anything back from her anymore. That goddam cell phone and Facebook are slowly eroding it all. She used to be so much fun, we'd have lovely intimate fun 2 or 3 times a week, and she'd initiate a lot of it. Now it's always me that has to force the issue, we have sex about 1 every 10 days, and I can tell she's not really into it by the way she rolls her eyes. Maybe once a month, she'll really get into it and moan in delight! She doesn't even do 'Special Occasion' bedroom fun - in fact on last Father's Day I was awake and up before her, and made the evening meal as well as other normal chores 

Thanks so much for reading - basically, are any of you guys experiencing similar issues with your partner, and have been totally marginalised and left feeling like a spare part by their Cell Phone and Facebook usage? 

Am I wrong to be so upset and frustrated by this, or is it totally justified? 

Shall I just cut off making any attempts at affection for now, and let her make any next move?

What is the 180? Can I do a lite version of it?


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## lamaga

Huh. This would really annoy me.

Hey, I'm an internet gal. I'm busy here, on LJ, on some other comment boards, and I love it. But the minute that I get home, or that H gets home and we're together, the computer is shut.

Now, occasionally on the weekends, I'll say hey honey, I want to play around online for a while, but he comes first. Always. And he knows it.

As far as what to do about it? Ah. That, I don't know. She's an adult and she'll spend her time the way she wants. You might let her read your post -- I'm sure she has no idea that you feel quite so alienated.

Good luck!


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## Runs like Dog

Telephones are a constant source of irritation here. The world stops when the phone rings. And I have 2 VoIP lines in the house just for her, really. Two you say? Why yes because 'unlimited' means up to 5,000 minutes and go over that a month or 7 in a row and they start threatening to pull your account. So there's two lines. And an unlimited cell phone as well. 

I bet few of you know that Vonage has an automated system trigger that terminates any call after 4 continuous hours. They do this in case you don't have an unlimited plan and for some reason when you hang up, the call tear-down proc doesn't execute correctly and keeps billing you. So they tear-down the call automatically even if it's in process and avoid having to fight with customers over it.


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## lamaga

Wow, RLD. I can safely say that there is no one in the history of the world, alive or dead, that I'd want to spend four hours on the phone with.


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## Maricha75

Ok, like Lamaga, I am an internet gal as well lol. I have FB, TAM, and swagbucks up pretty much all the time on my laptop. My old android phone, I use for internet activity related to swagbucks. My cell phone, I will text my sisters, parents, a few friends, and (try) sexting my husband during the day. I turn my cell off when I go to bed at night. Everything gets turned back on as soon as I wake up. The difference between your wife (by your description) and me? I look up from what i am doing, and have a conversation with my husband and/or kids (11, 5, 4). 

She went up to bed...to go to sleep. And her phone was still on when you went to bed. She turned it off when you came in. I would be concerned about this. There were only two times in my marriage when I behaved that way...

Who the hell is calling her that late? Seriously, unless it is an emergency, my friends and family don't call OR text me after 10pm...well, they may reply to a text sent earlier, but not just sending messages. Also, does she have FB alerts on her cell? That COULD explain the messages. FB sends me texts when certain friends post and when people reply to my statuses. However, the lack of household activity, constant phone usage, etc...I'd definitely be concerned.

What was her internet usage before getting the cell? Was she constantly online on the computer? Did she do more around the house? And...regarding the sex life...was she always like that (once every 2 weeks)?


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## Jimbob82

Hi thanks for the replies so far. To be fair, her phone does receive text notifications when a FB update changes, so that's probably innocent, I just can't get round the 5 missed calls that took place between 11:30pm and 7:00am the next day - is it fair for me to just take a look at her phone when she's not around, and see the call log - just to put my mind at rest if anything?

The sex used to be around 2-3 times a week, gradually dwindling to 3-4 times a month. I know it sounds trivial, but I get more enjoyment from satisfying her sexual needs rather than my own (honest) and I initiate about 90% of it probably. We both have busy daytimes, but I am prepared to spend time and energy on her when we are together - whilst she doesn't seem to be the same?


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## rj700

FB & the phone are strictly a vehicle/tool/escape. The real problem is her priorities. One thing when you are ignored. Not that that is acceptable. But the kids too?


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## Jimbob82

yeah, she gets really irate if one of the kids wants to even talk to her or show her a picture or something. She does the whole  and gets wound up saying 'God, I don't get 5 minutes to myself!'


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## lamaga

Good Lord, Jimbob. I don't want to advise you to do, but this is not tenable -- your children are being hurt in ways that will last.


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## Jimbob82

It is so sad that they come second to Facebook. I always make a point of asking them how their day went and giving them cuddles and affection. My wife seems to see it all as an inconvenience to this virtual world or escapism?

I used to be on Facebook and realised that it is so inane and stopped me from spending time with my family and interests - so I quit in summer 2011, and will never return to it, I just hate everyone's complete obsession with it - is anyone actually NOT on FB? Do people actually realise the damage it does to marriages, relationships and families - because they are that engrossed in it?


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## chillymorn

Bit*h alert bit*h alert.

what exactly do you love about a woman who prefers her phone and computer over spending time with you?

I would start the film and when she picks up her phone and starts acting disinterested get up put your shoes on and good out for some beers. stay out late and leave your phone at home so she can't call you. when you come home and she acts all piss* just say what do you care your phone and facebook are more important then your husband just go play with them.
and walk away.

I might even go as far to get rid of my cell phone and really start being unassessable to her.

I perdict the new health problem of our time will be addiction to be connected to the internet,weather it be with a computer or smart phone.


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## As You Wish

I'd do a little snooping on Flakebook to see what she's up to, but that's just me.

That's how I discovered my EX was in contact with old girlfriends from HS. He was on the planning committee for his reunion and around the time I filed for divorce, I hacked his account and found that he'd gone and wished every one of his female friends who has children a personal "Happy Mother's Day," and I, the mother of his very own children, didn't get as much as a how-do-you-do that day.

I hate Flakebook. :lol:


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## Mavash.

chillymorn said:


> I would start the film and when she picks up her phone and starts acting disinterested get up put your shoes on and good out for some beers. stay out late and leave your phone at home so she can't call you. when you come home and she acts all piss* just say what do you care your phone and facebook are more important then your husband just go play with them.
> and walk away.


:iagree:

You train people how to treat you. No doubt.


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## YinPrincess

Try Facebooking her?

Not a joke... She *should* get your point, loud and clear. If not, why don't you try talking with her about it and letting her know that you'd like to spend time with her - sans phone. Hopefully she's just oblivious and will understand. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

She's addicted to it.
What you need to do is decide you don't want to live like this, and stop living like this. By being conflict avoidant, you are enabling it.


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## Toffer

Jimbob,

I think she's an internet/facebook addict too.

You should show her your posts. hand them to her and say "read this and then let's talk about going to counciling because if this continues, I can't imagine the two of us growing old togather"

I would also be curious about the calls and maybe the texts too. If you can get the phone, start going through it. If it's PW protected, that's a bad sign!


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## hunter411

Well JB, 
I guess Im going to be the doubter in the group. I thought the same thing, however, there were other red flags. I started snooping and discovered my worst fears. She was having an EA/PA. If she constantly keeps the phone with her like its a piece of equipment to stay alive, locking it, etc... you may want to start digging. Are there any more red flags? If so, check the infedelity section, there are tips on how to check things. Trust but verify and dont accuse unless there is proof.


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## anchorwatch

Toffer said:


> Jimbob,
> 
> I think she's an internet/facebook addict too.
> 
> You should show her your posts. hand them to her and say "read this and then let's talk about going to counciling because if this continues, I can't imagine the two of us growing old togather"
> 
> I would also be curious about the calls and maybe the texts too. If you can get the phone, start going through it. If it's PW protected, that's a bad sign!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Addiction!!! That's when it interferes with daily life. 
Read this article;

New Research about Facebook Addiction :: UiB


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## Po12345

YinPrincess said:


> Try Facebooking her?
> 
> Not a joke... She *should* get your point, loud and clear. If not, why don't you try talking with her about it and letting her know that you'd like to spend time with her - sans phone. Hopefully she's just oblivious and will understand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This will not work, I guarantee you that.

I have Facebook, mainly to be closer to my wife because she is on it so much and because I can use it at work from time to time so we could communicate that way.

Unfortunately she doesn't really communicate with me on it much at all. If your spouse doesn't communicate with you very well in real life by being addicted to online chatting and facebook, trying to get more time with them by doing that yourself doesn't really work. I've tried it. 

Your wife is addicted to Facebook. I don't have much advice to offer because I know my wife also has the same issues, maybe not the same extent but she's addicted. That stupid phone beeps at all hours of the day and night with updates, and it enabled an ex "fling" to contact my wife, and she seems totally unwilling to get him out of her life.


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## Po12345

anchorwatch said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Addiction!!! That's when it interferes with daily life.
> Read this article;
> 
> New Research about Facebook Addiction :: UiB


Very good post, also, go check on this link:

Defeating Facebook Addiction

It goes more in depth about what may be driving someone to use Facebook as much as they do. For me, I use WoW too much apparently, as I traded in World of Warcraft for most places where it says Facebook.


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## Gabriel

OP, you need to flatly tell her to choose Facebook or you. You need to be very firm and honest with her about what she is doing, tell her what you used to do, and what you do now. Maybe it will wake her up. The longer you tolerate it, the longer it will take for her to break the addiction.

Honestly, I think this is a major problem with society in general. There are thousands of stories like this, some more severe than others.


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## Maricha75

Po12345 said:


> Very good post, also, go check on this link:
> 
> Defeating Facebook Addiction
> 
> It goes more in depth about what may be driving someone to use Facebook as much as they do. * For me, I use WoW too much apparently,* as I traded in World of Warcraft for most places where it says Facebook.


Funny, I learned the same thing about myself...and my husband, recently. WoW was a HUGE part of our lives. FB, yes, it is/was there, but no where near the extent of WoW. The only thing I miss about WoW now is the friends I made. Only one or two are not on FB/twitter/cell number. Kinda miss farming and dailies. But, my husband and I are closer now that it is out...I'd say it was a good trade!


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## resetbuttonpushed

Talk to her, tell her point blank you want more time with her and after such and such hour no more technology.... it can become addicting... my dh was addicted to video games for a while and I picked up a fb habit..... after a while i tried to get his attention and it didn't work so I gave up and continued my fb, well then the tables were turned and he decided to give up his gaming and I had a hard time with fb... and he didn't come right out and tell me, he was hinting apparently, he told me later, by watching tv? I was supposed to know that he wanted me to watch tv with him? Anyway he told me how much it bothered him becuase it was the first thing I did with my coffee (after saying goodmorning) and last thing I did before saying goodnight.... I finally got it when he said, I want to spend time with you. I was taken aback and hadn't realized just how bad it was. I deactivated my account for a week, and didn't touch it even removed it from my phone.... made a huge difference, I did get back on, but I make sure to make him a priority first and foremost. I would also ask you, does your wife get out of the house? Is she a stay at home mom? does she have any social life at all? This happened to me when i was a stay home mom and that was my social life, pathetic as it was.... lol


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## fun4drew

Get used to it, because you are not leaving and she is not changing. Do yourself a favor and stay busy with the kids.

Do not expect anything, be yourself and suck it up, because it is never going to change.

It does not matter what any user says or a MC says. She is who she is and that's the way it is.

Sorry.


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## Po12345

fun4drew said:


> Get used to it, because you are not leaving and she is not changing. Do yourself a favor and stay busy with the kids.
> 
> Do not expect anything, be yourself and suck it up, because it is never going to change.
> 
> It does not matter what any user says or a MC says. She is who she is and that's the way it is.
> 
> Sorry.


It is very likely you needed to make some changes too and it didn't happen. Sorry but it isn't always like this and you shouldn't try to say it is, plenty of people have made progressive changes to save their relationships


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## sirdano

We had someone like that in our facebook group. would post something every 30 minutes or less and you could not see any body else stuff. Would talk about kids and a husban nicely but when you went over there she was not raising the kids it was a mad house. All full of daily drama and on her facebook. I unsubcride and unfriend her. I can not stand people that kept spamming my accound with there dumb crap.


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## Gabriel

fun4drew said:


> Get used to it, because you are not leaving and she is not changing. Do yourself a favor and stay busy with the kids.
> 
> Do not expect anything, be yourself and suck it up, because it is never going to change.
> 
> It does not matter what any user says or a MC says. She is who she is and that's the way it is.
> 
> Sorry.


Dude, how is this helpful at all? What a useless post.


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## Maricha75

fun4drew said:


> Get used to it, because you are not leaving and she is not changing. Do yourself a favor and stay busy with the kids.
> 
> Do not expect anything, be yourself and suck it up, because it is never going to change.
> 
> It does not matter what any user says or a MC says. She is who she is and that's the way it is.
> 
> Sorry.


Funny... it changed for me. It changed for my husband. It also changed for another couple who stepped away from their poison of choice (WoW). It works if the couple actually WORKS TOGETHER to change things. If only one sided and one refuses to change, sure, I can see where you could say "it's never going to change". But the fact is, it CAN change... if she learns what exactly she stands to lose if it doesn't.

There is only one piece of advice in this post that I actually agree with: *stay busy with the kids.*


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## Latigo

Dude, get some control over this because right now its got control over you! My wife went through the same thing, but part of the 8-12 hours a day she spent on FB was spent chatting with guys! I PUT A STOP TO IT! Maybe she isn't doing that now, but if she starts, you are gonna be in a world of $hiz!!! Write that down!


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## Machiavelli

Start moving away from her. Take up bodybuilding, cut the fat off your body, change your hairstyle and clothes, get the kids with you out of the house as much as possible. Start going out solo at night after you put the kids down. Once she sees you doing this, she should start to chase you. If she doesn't, she's got something going on besides facebook and you'll need to see a lawyer.


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## Jimbob82

Thanks for all the replies folks, they have given me a new perspective, although ultimately the situation hasn't changed. On saturday, the saddest thing for me was seeing my gorgeous 1 year old son, full of wonder, sat next to her on the settee, and her face was buried in that darn phone the whole time. She barely looks up from it, ever. She is a stay at home mother, but attends daily groups with other moms and their kids, and also goes to 2 exercise groups a week. I know these are genuine as other moms go to it, plus they are women only classes, led by another mom. I am so sad that she is oblivious to the damage it is doing, I rarely even have the confidence to initiate anything now. When I try and cuddle up on the setee, most times she likes 'oh just give me some space and stop pawing at me' and other times when we go up to bed (after she's sat on FB etc all night) and I do my favourite thing of putting my arms around her, it doesn't work anymore and she tends to sigh and face the other way, says good night and goes to sleep. Another masturbation beckons...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Paulination

OP, my wife was similar to yours for a couple of years but has really toned it down. I put up with it but it really didn't bother me until we ran into a rough patch in the marriage and then I saw it as a threat.

It caused some pretty good fights for awhile and then one day she sort of got it. She realized it was a problem and completely changed her habits. She won't change until she percieves it to be the problem you think it is.


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## mina

I was a little guilty of this, heading the wrong direction. I took up exercise and started paying more attention to my husband and suddenly I noticed that my computer and phone time dropped off quite precipitously. 

I am in the IT field so I do get paid to sit at the computer all day, though. The difference is now I no longer work until 7pm or later doing programming. I shut off the computer at about 6pm and it pretty much stays off all night. I lose my phone regularly after hours.


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## Jimbob82

It does look like a total addiction. What would you guys says is a reasonable amount of time to spend staring at a cell-phone non-stop and ignore basically everyone and everything around you.

I only ask because last night, the damn phone did not leave her hand pretty much at all between 3:30pm-11:30pm. That's basically 8 hours solid sat staring at at. She does it when putting the baby to bed ( I do it some nights) and even has to take it the toilet. When she's not on it, or has to have her attention taken away from it - she gets SO angry and irritable - can it be like an instant 'Cold Turkey' she's getting if she has to put it down? 

I'm so fed up now to be honest, and in a way am in a kind of 'mourning', that the fun-loving, affectionate woman I fell for all those years ago has become a FB addict with no love or affection any more. There's not a day or evening/night goes by that it's not in her hands, she's even neglecting things that she has to do (like wrapping parcels for ebay items she needs to post - I'm doing it all)Jees, I'm only 30 and bored and frustrated, is this it for the next 50 years?


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## arbitrator

Jimbob:

Classic signs of FB addiction that has greatly escalated to the point that it is having serious consequences with your married relationship.

Now I haven't exactly been accused of being the sharpest knife in the drawer, but it doesn't exactly take a nuclear physicist to figure out that given the circumstances that you have so aptly described, that your wife has completely oversaturated herself with FB, to the point that there is little to no affection being demonstrated to you by her. Rational human physiology would greatly dictate a need for companionship, closeness, and, yes, even sex, as at least from a hormonal release standpoint. Apparently, you are more than willing to comply, but she obviously is not.

That coupled with her usage of FB, missed messages coming at the odd hours of the night is clearly indicative of other human contact at a time that she doesn't think it would arouse suspicion on your part. Those messages need to be verified either with or without her permission. I'm fearful that she's at least in EA mode and when the time comes that she becomes noticeably absent from the family home, then she has, in all probability, taken it to PA.

You two need to have a "Come to Jesus Meeting" about it~ if she is, in the least bit, unreceptive to it, that is in giving you verifiable passwords and details, then you would have no other recourse than to go 180; because the noticeable lack of affection toward you speaks volumes about the distinct probability that she's finding her affection from yet another sourse, possibly an old flame that has "found" her, or vice-versa, on the FB network.

I just know that that is what had to have occurred in my situation. After all, if it looks like poop, and smells like poop, then you would have a fairly good probabilty that that's exactly what it is!

Best of luck to you and the kids! My heart goes out to you!


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## Jimbob82

Thank you arbitrator for a wonderful reply, I will see what can be done from here. It has got to the point now where I'm going to kiss her goodbye on a morning before my ten hour shift, that she doesn't even look up from what she's doing, there is no affection, I just peck her on the cheek and she says 'see you later' as if I'm a total afterthought. When I get home, it's always a case of (from her) 'I've had a stressful day, I'm now going to chill out and sit down' - with, you've guessed it, the phone!


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## arbitrator

Jimbob82 said:


> Thank you arbitrator for a wonderful reply, I will see what can be done from here. It has got to the point now where I'm going to kiss her goodbye on a morning before my ten hour shift, that she doesn't even look up from what she's doing, there is no affection, I just peck her on the cheek and she says 'see you later' as if I'm a total afterthought. When I get home, it's always a case of (from her) 'I've had a stressful day, I'm now going to chill out and sit down' - with, you've guessed it, the phone!



My educated guess is that she fastly developed an obsession with the cell phone, then with FB, then with someone "special" either on FB or some other social networking channel.

Would her cell phone perchance be a "smart phone?"


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## He'sallright

To the op....I am more or less in the same boat dude. My wife is constantly in her phone or her kindle. Facebook, pinterest, etc. She is also addicted to tv. There's rarely a moment when she is not plugged in. It is extremely frustrating for me... I totally sympathize with you.

She watches movies on her kindle in bed til late late at night... It has Pretty much killed our intimacy. Can't say that I've been all that interested, however. She has gained a lot of weight... All of it due to a general lack of exercise. Who needs fresh air and sunshine... when you can have an entire bag of chips on the couch while playing on your iphone?

Sorry to hear that you're not the only one dude. I have no real advice to offer. I can say that i plan on giving her an ultimatum soon... about her "device habit" and her weight. She's volatile, too. I decided i am just going to have to get over that and bite the b!tch bullet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimbob82

He'sallright said:


> To the op....I am more or less in the same boat dude. My wife is constantly in her phone or her kindle. Facebook, pinterest, etc. She is also addicted to tv. There's rarely a moment when she is not plugged in. It is extremely frustrating for me... I totally sympathize with you.
> 
> She watches movies on her kindle in bed til late late at night... It has Pretty much killed our intimacy. Can't say that I've been all that interested, however. She has gained a lot of weight... All of it due to a general lack of exercise. Who needs fresh air and sunshine... when you can have an entire bag of chips on the couch while playing on your iphone?
> 
> Sorry to hear that you're not the only one dude. I have no real advice to offer. I can say that i plan on giving her an ultimatum soon... about her "device habit" and her weight. She's volatile, too. I decided i am just going to have to get over that and bite the b!tch bullet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey dude, sorry to hear that also! It's really comforting knowing that you come a distant second to a smart phone ain't it!

Do you find that the most annoying thing about it is the way you are pushed to one side at the end of the day, every day? - it's never a case of, 'I'm coming off my phone now so I can spend some time with you to chill, chat and have some fun' - it's always 'I'm coming off my phone now, to go to bed - to go to sleep' - WHAM, passion killer!


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## He'sallright

Jimbob82 said:


> Hey dude, sorry to hear that also! It's really comforting knowing that you come a distant second to a smart phone ain't it!
> 
> Do you find that the most annoying thing about it is the way you are pushed to one side at the end of the day, every day? - it's never a case of, 'I'm coming off my phone now so I can spend some time with you to chill, chat and have some fun' - it's always 'I'm coming off my phone now, to go to bed - to go to sleep' - WHAM, passion killer!



Yeah, absolutely discouraging.  she spends hours on end messing with her phone or kindle... With the tv turned on. when she's ready to crash, it's just a quick peck on the cheek... And then time for some netflix. She pops in her ear buds and that's the end of it. Sometimes she tries to get cuddley with me... But I'm very often not in the mood. 

The thought that intimacy is being initiated solely on her terms and her timeline makes me... I don't know... Resentful. I don't wanna come off as cold and uncaring towards her. I do care. I just hate seeing her life being engulfed by all that nonsense. ...is a walk in the park too much to ask for? ha! 

What do you plan on doing? I'm doing a 180 on my life... I've lost lots of weight and have been toning and firming up my body. I am hoping that she notices my progress and will finally snap out of it. Here's hoping...


----------



## Toffer

Jimbo,

Do you have access to her FB account and can you look at her phone when she's asleep?

You should check waht's going on just to be sure it's a FB addiction alone and there isn't a 3rd party involved

Trust but verify.

Also, this will be your life if you don't step up and deal with it!


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## He'sallright

:iagree:

I wouldn't rule anything out. Your story, from the posts I've read so far, seems to suggest that your W is having some kind of an affair... if not physical, then perhaps an emotional affair? That does happen... sometimes spouses look for emotioal connections with others through social networking. It CAN be easy and discreet, if their careful. Since you're no longer on facebook, she's potentially got free reign to do whatever she wants. 

I get that you're fed up with FB. I understand why you walked away from it. However, I'd highly recommend getting back on there and checking up on her.


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## Maricha75

As a woman who is/was always on the computer...including Facebook, and on my cell, texting all the time.... I agree with Toffer to check to be certain it's "just" a Facebook addiction. In my case, had my husband checked up on my activities, he would have discovered my emotional affair long before it ended on its own. I was fortunate that it DID end on its own. But I agree...check it out. She's neglecting the kids. She's neglecting her responsibilities...for crying out loud you said she isn't taking care of ebay sales like she is supposed to! Don't do it for her. She needs to get off her @ss and do these things HERSELF!


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## Latigo

This thread serves to remind me why I came down hard on my wifes FB activity. It also tells me that I did the right thing. The things you guys are going through are my worst friggin' nightmare! Being a nice guy by nature, there was a part of me that felt guilt for what I did. In fact, one of my reasons for joining this forum was to consider opposing views and to sort out whether I was being a good husband or just another jealous idiot. In almost 3 years of reading/posting I have yet to read anything that changes my opinions. Quite the opposite.


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## Santa

Yes its sounds very much how my life has been the last several years. Stop giving a **** and start planning your life forward. If she shows no interest in "sharing a life" with you, then let her see you have no problem moving forward. If that doesnt get her attention, you didnt have anything left anyway. 

Like I told my wife, I dont need a roomate. Much less one that doesnt contribute. I can pay a maid to clean the house for far less. If there isnt a "relationship" between us, there will be no "us". 

Get your head out of your phone and off Facebook, put on your big girl panties and act like an adult wife and mother that gives a damn about her husband and family. If not, I will move forward with divorce and find someone that will be happy to. 


Sometimes they dont realize how good they have it until reality hits them like a brick.


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## Santa

Jimbob82 said:


> yeah, she gets really irate if one of the kids wants to even talk to her or show her a picture or something. *She does the whole  and gets wound up saying 'God, I don't get 5 minutes to myself!*'




Hate to say but I know that reaction very well....


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## Machiavelli

You guys need to put cell phone spy or something like it on those phones. If she gets on the computer key log it. If she has a car, GPS with a VAR under the seat. I guarantee you there are messages and/or dix pix form other guys on there that she does not want you to see.

Start detaching while you investigate. Also read this guy's website and book. It's about how maintain sexual desire from the wife over a long marriage. It won't really work, though, until you break her up with her APs on facebook/RL.


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## turnera

Jimbo, you are a Beta dog. Women HATE Beta dogs. You don't matter any more because you are not Alpha. Your kids don't matter any more because she hates this boring life and she is getting ALL her Emotional Needs met by her friends (and maybe a boytoy or two).

Until you are ready to stand up to her and tell her you will expect changes, you will continue to get nothing in return.


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## Santa

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


I am in the process of doing this now. Mine will give me a **** test and I push back and she's like "wtf?' :scratchhead:

She makes a little effort for a few days and then another **** test comes. It appears to be a cycle at the moment. 

All I know is divorce will be final soon and if things dont make some major changes, I am d.o.n.e!! I can already feel it in my heart. I love my wife and would faithfully until the day I die but at some point, (divorce final day) if she isnt willing to do anything to make it work for more than a couple of days and revert back, its over. 


You need to tell her to give you total access to the phone and set aside time for you and kids. If the phone and facebook are more important, well there's your answer!!


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## EverRain

Jimbob82 said:


> yeah, she gets really irate if one of the kids wants to even talk to her or show her a picture or something. She does the whole  and gets wound up saying 'God, I don't get 5 minutes to myself!'


My WH, has always loved his video games and I have always felt somewhat second to them, but the real/unbearable red flags were when his phone became permanently attached to his hand and we would be waiting on him to give us a moment of his time. The amount of quality time that he was wasting with me and the kids made me sad. He also become very annoyed when his children needed his attention and would be very irritable towards them, he also began neglecting making them supper or even knowing their whereabouts when I came home from work.

I made excuses for my husbands behavior and NEVER even thought that he could be having an EA on his game, but low and behold that is exactly what was going on. Just be careful and do not rule anything out. Your post reminded me of how I was feeling before I discovered his EA. 

If it is something more than an innocent addiction, which on its own is serious enough, it is probably better to catch anything (IF anything is going on) sooner rather than later. 

Take care, and I hope she realizes what she is doing to you and her children, she is wasting some precious moments that she will never get back.


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## Jimbob82

Thanks once again folks for some really good feedback, I can take a lot from that. If I'm honest, I'm not suspicious of anything, just feeling like a spare part. I want any change to be her own free will, and I aint gonna make it an issue, I guess I'm probably going to have to accept that this is it from now on, her phone comes first, then the kids, then her friends in the real world, friends online, her exercise groups, and then right at the bottom, yours truly! A guy who is good for watching the kids, sharing chores, doing DIY and dirty work, putting spiders out, putting the trash out - and of course, funding all of this as the sole bread winner! As she never initiates sex, or gives signs and hints, and tends to re-buke every attempt I make to start some fun, rolling her eyes or actually getting annoyed as if I'm a pervert, then the sex will get less and less too. I'm so sorry guys, didn't mean to be bitter, this is just a good place to vent!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anubis

Look, I hate to get harsh, but this is the point in the movie where a good friend slaps your dazed self in the face and yells "Snap out of it Man!"



You not just not suspicious or anything, you're also clueless. 

Everyone here is telling you to silently check up and verify because it happened to us EXACTLY the way it is happening to you. EX-ACT-LY. Exact-o-bleeping-lootly. The red flags are there and the odds ARE NOT in your favor. What they do favor is that you're in a fog and you're going to get to demolished and destroyed when it all finally comes down on her terms.

If you knew that it was storming outside and that if you got into your car, as-is, and drove down to the store to the stuff you need, that there would be a *firm* 75% chance you would wind up in an accident... would you still do it? Or would you go to plan B and wait the storm out? 

I predict a fender-bender in your near future.

It's not just a PA or EA you are looking for, there are other toxic situations you need to be on the lookout for.

And accepting that you are on the bottom of her priority list without standing up for yourself??? That never ends well because she gets what she really wants (which doesn't include you) and you get... . A life of misery, or misery until the day you man up and call it quits.


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## turnera

Jimbob82 said:


> Thanks once again folks for some really good feedback, I can take a lot from that. If I'm honest, I'm not suspicious of anything, just feeling like a spare part. I want any change to be her own free will, and I aint gonna make it an issue, I guess I'm probably going to have to accept that this is it from now on, her phone comes first, then the kids, then her friends in the real world, friends online, her exercise groups, and then right at the bottom, yours truly!


*WTF!*

Why on EARTH would you just accept that? NO WONDER she doesn't want you! Good god!

Have you even READ No More Mr Nice Guy yet? Obviously not!


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## arbitrator

Jimbob82 said:


> Thanks once again folks for some really good feedback, I can take a lot from that. If I'm honest, I'm not suspicious of anything, just feeling like a spare part. I want any change to be her own free will, and I aint gonna make it an issue, I guess I'm probably going to have to accept that this is it from now on, her phone comes first, then the kids, then her friends in the real world, friends online, her exercise groups, and then right at the bottom, yours truly! _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jimbob: Absolutely no disrespect, but you need to fastly grow a pair and stand up for your rights. You're letting her literally run over you all to her greater benefit.

What about you? Where are your feelings and why are they not being given any due consideration? God didn't make relationships so that they would be one-sided monocratic dictatorships. There's a certain amount of "give and take" that must be successfully employed in order to make any relationship fully functional. And that incudes your feelings and your kids feelings as well.

Take the bull by the horns and assert yourself. After all, this happens to be your life, too!


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## Jimbob82

Thanks for the metaphorical slap to the face guys, I did write that in the heat of the moment and it does read back as so awful. For what it's worth, my wife gave me the most awful rejection on saturday night. We'd had our movie night, and when we went up to bed, I sort of came up behind her and put my arms on her waist and said 'hey, need any help getting that top off?' in a sort of fun, seductive way. I did NOT expect her sigh, rolled eyes, and emphatic way she pushed my arms away and said 'stop being so lecherous!!' I apologised and said 'sorry, I guess you're not up for any fun' to which she replied 'to have fun, it only works when BOTH of us want to do it' and then we went to awkward sleep. In the morning, I made her coffee and she said 'sorry about last night, I just don't like bein pawed at and expected to just lie there' and I kind of apologised if I'd been too full on. I thin she's got the mindset that sex is just some sort of duty for her, and that I'm just using her to empty my balls (her words 2 weeks ago) - which is just not true at all. - Anyway guys, enough of this negativity. Can somebody please give me any links to maybe just stop a beta male mindset, and also, this 180- what is it and what is required of you? I am always grateful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

Given the severity of your particular situation, I'd be extremely proud to post the TAM link to the *180 Process *for you on a post by *chapparal* It is:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/609945-post77.html-*The 180*


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## Jimbob82

Thank you so much arbitrator. I'm so sad its come to this, but let's see what happens. I will take a look at the 180 and add regular updates to see if this makes any difference
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NewM

Don't be sorry for wanting to have sex with your wife,and don't apologize for it,you didn't do anything wrong.
If you keep apologizing like this you are letting her know that you also think that you shouldn't be wanting sex with her and that it is ok for her to reject you most of the time.


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## Maricha75

Jimbob82 said:


> Thanks for the metaphorical slap to the face guys, I did write that in the heat of the moment and it does read back as so awful. For what it's worth, my wife gave me the most awful rejection on saturday night. We'd had our movie night, and when we went up to bed, I sort of came up behind her and put my arms on her waist and said 'hey, need any help getting that top off?' in a sort of fun, seductive way. I did NOT expect her sigh, rolled eyes, and emphatic way she pushed my arms away and said 'stop being so lecherous!!' I apologised and said 'sorry, I guess you're not up for any fun' to which she replied 'to have fun, it only works when BOTH of us want to do it' and then we went to awkward sleep. In the morning, I made her coffee and she said* 'sorry about last night, I just don't like bein pawed at and expected to just lie there' *and I kind of apologised if I'd been too full on. I thin she's got the mindset that sex is just some sort of duty for her, and that I'm just using her to empty my balls (her words 2 weeks ago) - which is just not true at all. - Anyway guys, enough of this negativity. Can somebody please give me any links to maybe just stop a beta male mindset, and also, this 180- what is it and what is required of you? I am always grateful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


"expected to just lie there"??? WTF? Yea, I think you're right. When it comes to sex, she sees it as a "duty"... I was on that same mindset before. But, we won't rehash THAT one. 

I agree. Do the 180. But seriously, I would be checking those extensive conversations for ANYTHING toxic. Something is up.


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## turnera

What's up is that he's up for the Doormat Of The Year, and doormats are disgusting. You disgust her.

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet?


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## arbitrator

Jimbob: Take these comments to heart only from the aspect that they are warnings to you. You might be "doormat" material and not even know it, but these TAM warnings and comments should make you want to richly change your persona.

I should know! I believe that I was a doormat too! But that has all drastically changed!

There is a huge difference between the "doormat guy"(or "gal"), compared to just being a "nice guy"(or "gal"), who will stand up for themselves and their belief systems in greatly promoting the institution of matrimony as being played on a level playing field.

Your feelings count~ you are human and her equal! Acknowledge that fact and start asserting your rights as a spouse by embracing the 180!


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## Jimbob82

Looking back I absolutely agree my friend. So many times she's told me to man up or said 'I need a man, not another child' - and thank god for this place and you guys. I'm classing this today as my day zero and taking aspects of the 180 that I feel are most applicable. I do think the sex issue isn't about to change, but I'm gonna make the steps to change my own persona, and basically hope everything else follows!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

{{{Jimbob}}}

Awesome! I am SO happy for you. She wants a real man, and you have that at your fingertips. Start with these books - No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. - and consider investing in a weekend retreat. Bettermen.org holds them and they seem to be amazing in helping men learn how to be men again and lead their families. 

Don't do the 180 until you have read the books, ok? You won't understand WHY you are making the changes and they will be superficial and likely to just anger her. You need to understand the concept; it will help you greatly.

And don't be surprised when your wife starts coming on to YOU, once you have regained your manhood.


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## Jimbob82

Thanks man for the cool feedback. Yeah, I'm aproaching the 180 only lightly right now, and will be getting the No More Mr Nice Guy book ASAP! I realise now that I have gotten complacent, and really just become a Beta-provider to her without even realising. There isclearly no sexual attraction towards me, and I felt she was only having sex to keep me happy for another 10-11 days until the next time. Looking back there were times (most of the time) where I was an absolute apology of a man, and lost count of the times my wife said she wanted a 'real man' I can tell she is not turned on by it, and probably disgusted, so am gradually working on myself, improving my wardrobe, outlook on life, my own interests and am gonna let her be the one to take notice. 

I'm just aiming to be a fun, but firm guy to be around. I'm no longer going to 'chase' her for sex, I'm just gonna give her the space to let her notice and make the moves. This is definitely one for the long haul, and I'm thinking weeks and months, rather than an overnight radical change! Thanks once again for all your advice everyone.


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## Jimbob82

Ok guys, I just feel the urge to add this. I am of course doing my utmost to improve and have already begun, but my partners behaviour is just, IMO worsening. It is now 14 days since our last sex, which is abnormal, it really is. It can't be blamed on time of month or anything. She is literally NEVER off FB, I mean I am writing this from the sofa at 1am (UK), as she has lain awake, she says 'bored' and woke me up to say so. This was NOT a green light for sex, she was really uptight, and I just left the bed. Before this,All night she barely ackowledged my existence, I did the kids pack lunches (HER kids) and dishes, and said jokingly 'I am super dad' and she just grunted. Guys, bottom line, am I just wasting my time with her now, I have a lot to offer and am not content any more to sit being ignored night after night, year after year. Its a difficult think to approach with her as she can be a fiesty character,and would fail to see my viewpoint, but I do feel as though I'm her meal ticket now and nothing else. She only got excited tonight about getting a new dress so she can 'go out with the other mothers next week to celebrate the end of the school year.' I need to check her FB and cellphone, can I log into FB at another location without it arousing suspicion? She sits on FB smiling as I'm stood making her kids lunches for her, something aint right surely? this a lost cause dudes or what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Sounds like cheating to me.


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## Machiavelli

That's kind of the point of building up your SMV and being cool toward her. She has no need to change because she has all she wants out of you. For some reason, she has no fear of you leaving. The reason is that she is not sexually attracted to you and doesn't thing any other woman would be either. Up SMV and fire up your roving eye. She'll eventually notice this and start working to protect her gravy train (you). Then you'll have a decision to make.

And she probably has at least one EA going on FB.


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## EleGirl

I take it that each of you has your own computer? Can you get on hers? If so install a key logger. There are key loggers that send the data to a website so you can check what she's up to by going to website from your own computer.


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## Jimbob82

Thanks again folks. In the early hours, I went on our laptop and FB was already logged into her account. Thankfully, there are zero interactions with any guys whatsoever. It is all other mothers she knows in the real world and online. I checked her message box too, it's all her chatting to women about baby stuff and catching up. So in that respect, I can breathe a sigh of relief. I just need to check that cellphone when she is asleep as this is pretty much the only time she's ever off it. This morning, she basically gave me the cold treatment again, I went for the goodbye kiss and no eye contact, just turned so I could kiss her cheek and said 'bye' in the most half-assed way you could imagine. This is a woman who, in our early days, after her kids were in bed, leapt on me with nothing on under her skirt, as a treat for making the kids tea earlier that evening!!

Is it also wrong to - at least hypothetically - think about other women now, as I'm kind of at a crossroads?


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## Lyris

She is really not interested in you at all, is she? I'd say cheating and good at covering her tracks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimbob82

A lot of people think this, but I'm not so sure. I think she's just using her cellphone as an escape route from everything. She's starting to neglect everything now, apart from her exercise classes - the kids, me, we've all just fallen by the wayside. She hates it when I speak to her when she's sat staring at that phone. We now even have a dispute on ebay from an item she never even bothered to wrap or get the address for to send - she just didn't bother! I am getting to the mindset where it's obviousl I don't matter to her - I may as well be some man-droid servant or something. I could leave tomorrow, but I'd have to take my two kids with me, her stepsons can stay with her for all I care. I took them under my wings when I was only 22, and my family have funded us so many times to get our house, with cars, and also lending us money when times were hard. Her mom and her mom's fella have contributed nothing in all the 8 years I've known her.


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## Jimbob82

I've noticed things worsen since I started working longer shifts (8am-6pm, with Wednesdays off) - The baby is kind of walking everywhere now, but really clingy to her. If she goes to stand up he bursts into tears and bawls his eyes out. I understand that this is frustrating for her, and I take him off her hands as much as possible. Ideally, I want to spend some quality time with her - in the past we'd normally go out once or twice a month - nothing flash, just the cinema or a meal, but when I suggest it now, she's just not that interested - it's since the baby was born really. The only people who can babysit are my parents, and I feel now that they are starting to politely resent helping us out, as the kids age ranges are so different, and it's hard work. Hence, we spend every night on the sofa, doing nothing, before going to bed, to do nothing. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it really?

Do you think I should make more effort with her (taking her out, surprises, looking smart), as I do love her, she's the only woman I've ever been with. I feel like I need to start from scratch to win her back again, and be that fun guy she met in 2004. I guess my mind is in turmoil, but I'm taking a positive pro-active approach..


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## Jimbob82

Thanks enoughisenough for your feedback, it's very welcome. I think a cleaner would probably be out of the question if I'm honest, but the kids are in bed by 9pm at the latest every night and the baby sleeps through til 6am, so he doesn't impede on what should be, and used to be 'our time.'

Re. PND, I may look into this further, and see if sh has the symptoms as it does sound plausible. I will give her all the help she needs (I do anyway). I think what she's finding the hardest is making the kids their evening meal at 5pm when I'm still at work, and the baby is clinging to her leg, bawling his eyes out because she can't give him attention. I have requested to go back to the working hours of 08:00-16:30, so I can be home by 5pm to make the evening meal, as I believe this is the main factor in her being so stressed out. Literally every time I walk in the door, she looks so haunted as if it's the worst thing ever making a meal, whereas I can make a nice meal from scratch, and find it relaxing and theraputic.

If only I could get her to cut back on the FB habit!!


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## Jimbob82

Hi, yes we do have a slow cooker, and it ought to get more use as it's great!! I might sit down and plan some recipes for it that are easy for her to make, and I can get the ingredients for it tomorrow. Thanks for your kind words, I do my best to be a good, 'not-nice' guy for her and kids, although do feel taken for granted most days. In November 2011, we had a big fall out, and since then, things have been more strained than they used to be. Despite initially making up and agreeing to spend more time on each other (we had some great make up sex for 2 months!) we've kind of gotten complacent and back in our old ways as before the fall-out. She now gets mini panic attacks in busy shops, and worries that she is going to need the lavatory urgently (Irritable Bowels is something she's been blighted by since then too). God I feel like I want to take all the pressure off her, but can only do so much!


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## Rumstraightnoice

My wife is _sooo_ much like this. facebook. Linkedin. Instagram. Twitter. if her eyes are open, they're fixed on her smartphone. 

I stumbled on it because like you i want to change it all. i've come to the conclusion that she can spend ages with her phone, or the kids and me. she _cannot_ do both. she needs to either _want_ to put the phone down because she recognises it as an addiction, or be so distracted by the fun and life together that you (me) and the kids are having without her that she'll feel guilty for missing out on it and put it down then too. different motivations. same result. 

there has been some pretty good advice in this thread but i'm worried you may have missed it, so i'm going to summarize

keylogger/spyware - good advice and you've eliminated the posibility of an EA. 

*Machiavelli* said "_Start moving away from her. Take up bodybuilding, cut the fat off your body, change your hairstyle and clothes, get the kids with you out of the house as much as possible. Start going out solo at night after you put the kids down. Once she sees you doing this, she should start to chase you_" then suggested this The Male Action Plan (MAP) | Married Man Sex Life
big help for beta tendencies, something which i struggle with too.

married man sex life primer by Athol Kay. amazon. best £18 I've spent in a while.

2 weeks in and something is already happening for me

*Turnera* suggests (twice i think) "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover which is also excellent
the online support group is particularly good too 

You said this "_I realise now that I have gotten complacent, and really just become a Beta-provider to her without even realising. There is clearly no sexual attraction towards me, and I felt she was only having sex to keep me happy for another 10-11 days until the next time. Looking back there were times (most of the time) where I was an absolute apology of a man, and lost count of the times my wife said she wanted a 'real man' I can tell she is not turned on by it, and probably disgusted, so am gradually *working on myself, improving my wardrobe, outlook on life, my own interests and am gonna let her be the one to take notice*_" which will make a difference. she has lost respect for you, but in a while she'll look up from her phone and see someone that looks familiar, but different and hotter. beware of sabotage though. once she notices, let her fight to keep up, not drag you back down.

go to No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin and start a breaking free thread so we can see how your getting on with getting yourself free.


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## turnera

Jimbob82 said:


> I went for the goodbye kiss and no eye contact, just turned so I could kiss her cheek and said 'bye' in the most half-assed way you could imagine. This is a woman who, in our early days, after her kids were in bed, leapt on me with nothing on under her skirt, as a treat for making the kids tea earlier that evening!!
> 
> Is it also wrong to - at least hypothetically - think about other women now, as I'm kind of at a crossroads?


 You are a doormat and kissing a doormat is like kissing a slug - disgusting. Oh wait, didn't I already say that a few pages back? Are you reading yet?

In the meantime, STOP ASKING HER FOR AFFECTION!

Live your life, ignore her, enjoy the kids, and get the hell out of the house and go do things with your friends!


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## turnera

Jimbob82 said:


> I've noticed things worsen since I started working longer shifts (8am-6pm, with Wednesdays off) - The baby is kind of walking everywhere now, but really clingy to her. If she goes to stand up he bursts into tears and bawls his eyes out. I understand that this is frustrating for her, and I take him off her hands as much as possible. Ideally, I want to spend some quality time with her - in the past we'd normally go out once or twice a month - nothing flash, just the cinema or a meal, but when I suggest it now, she's just not that interested - it's since the baby was born really. The only people who can babysit are my parents, and I feel now that they are starting to politely resent helping us out, as the kids age ranges are so different, and it's hard work. Hence, we spend every night on the sofa, doing nothing, before going to bed, to do nothing. It's a vicious cycle when you look at it really?
> 
> Do you think I should make more effort with her (taking her out, surprises, looking smart), as I do love her, she's the only woman I've ever been with. I feel like I need to start from scratch to win her back again, and be that fun guy she met in 2004. I guess my mind is in turmoil, but I'm taking a positive pro-active approach..


Not yet. But if you spend every single day on the couch, for goodness' sake STOP!

Turn the tv off. Get out a board game. Start a jigsaw puzzle. Take ALL the kids for a walk and give her some peace. Show her she's more than just a babysitter. And continue to get your own life. Above all, stop this horrible routine!


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## turnera

Jimbob82 said:


> The only people who can babysit are my parents


Why is this? There are no teenagers or college students home for the summer in your area?


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## turnera

Jimbob82 said:


> Hi, yes we do have a slow cooker, and it ought to get more use as it's great!! I might sit down and plan some recipes for it that are easy for her to make, and I can get the ingredients for it tomorrow.


Now, what you do, is you take the KIDS with you to the store (to give her another break) and get them to help you find the ingredients. Then you come home and you gather the KIDS in the kitchen with you to help you assemble the meal. You clear a space in the fridge for the crockpot (if it's that kind) or in a tupperware; in the morning, YOU put it in the crockpot and start it.


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## turnera

btw, keep this in mind, as it's universal to everyone: 

We do what makes us feel good and we avoid what makes us feel bad.

You have to become what makes her feel good. Better than FB and chats make her feel.


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## Rumstraightnoice

turnera said:


> btw, keep this in mind, as it's universal to everyone:
> 
> We do what makes us feel good and we avoid what makes us feel bad.
> 
> You have to become what makes her feel good. Better than FB and chats make her feel.


^ beautifully condensed and right to the point
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli

If IBS is a problem, drop all wheat, barley, and rye. She'll probably see vast improvement in 3 weeks. Humans weren't really intended to eat grass seed as the main part of their diet.

What kind of shape are you and wife in physically?


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## Jimbob82

Machiavelli said:


> If IBS is a problem, drop all wheat, barley, and rye. She'll probably see vast improvement in 3 weeks. Humans weren't really intended to eat grass seed as the main part of their diet.
> 
> What kind of shape are you and wife in physically?


Thanks, will try and do this. She kind of refuses to see a doctor, she's that stubborn. Although she does take tables for it.

I'm 30, in good shape, size 32 waist, I don't exercise but my diet is healthy, I don't smoke, and have just the occasional light drink.

Partner is 35, she's gone from a size 14 to 12 in the last 3 months, she does two heavy-duty 1 hour gym based exercise classes during the week, and an aqua-based class at the weekend.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Jimbob82 said:


> The reason I ask is because my wife (I'm 30. She's 36 -been together 8 years, married for 4) is quite simply NEVER off either Facebook, or Online forums on her Cell Phone internet function (as far as I can tell, its generally chatting to other mothers she knows in real life, or virtually, as we have 4 kids, aged 1,5, 13 and 15 - the eldest are stepsons).


Jimbob82,

Four kids including a 1yo at age 36, your wife is overwhelmed and possibly a little depressed. Electronic media is her escape and it has gotten out of control. You would be surprised how many people live this way but you don't have to. Hire some help. Make plans to go out and don't take no for an answer.


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## Jimbob82

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Jimbob82,
> 
> Four kids including a 1yo at age 36, your wife is overwhelmed and possibly a little depressed. Electronic media is her escape and it has gotten out of control. You would be surprised how many people live this way but you don't have to. Hire some help. Make plans to go out and don't take no for an answer.


I absolutely agree with this statement, my friend. I honestly do my utmost to keep her stress levels down, and i know a lot of people escape reality this way. My plan is for in a few weeks time, when the eldest two are with their grandfolks for a week, I will take her out to the cinema, it was our favourite pastime together in the early years. My own folks will watch the two little ones. A few positives I didn't mention is that on Wednesday she wants to meet me for a dinner, just me, her and the baby and She also said last Thursday that she wanted to have another wedding ceremony in a Rockabilly style! So I guess there are SOME silver linings to this this huh?


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## turnera

My escape is my phone's Solitaire and, yes, I'm addicted, whip it out whenever we're in the car, etc.


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## Ten_year_hubby

Jimbob82 said:


> I absolutely agree with this statement, my friend. I honestly do my utmost to keep her stress levels down, and i know a lot of people escape reality this way. My plan is for in a few weeks time, when the eldest two are with their grandfolks for a week, I will take her out to the cinema, it was our favourite pastime together in the early years. My own folks will watch the two little ones. A few positives I didn't mention is that on Wednesday she wants to meet me for a dinner, just me, her and the baby and She also said last Thursday that she wanted to have another wedding ceremony in a Rockabilly style! So I guess there are SOME silver linings to this this huh?


Yes, these are very positive actions. The problem with compulsion is that the compulsive act does not satisfy the compulsion, it only makes the compulsion worse. The more you do something, the more you want to do it. Luckily, electronic media usage doesn't make you wreck your car or die of cancer or cheat on your spouse


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## turnera

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Luckily, electronic media usage doesn't make you wreck your car or die of cancer or cheat on your spouse


Unless you're playing solitaire while you're driving! :rofl:


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## Machiavelli

Jimbob82 said:


> Thanks, will try and do this. She kind of refuses to see a doctor, she's that stubborn. Although she does take tables for it.
> 
> I'm 30, in good shape, size 32 waist, I don't exercise but my diet is healthy, I don't smoke, and have just the occasional light drink.
> 
> Partner is 35, she's gone from a size 14 to 12 in the last 3 months, she does two heavy-duty 1 hour gym based exercise classes during the week, and an aqua-based class at the weekend.


Why is your wife upping her sex rank?

At 30, it's time to start training. Do it for the health benefits, the Michelangelo's David body you get is just a side effect to greatly slowing the aging process. See the thread in the Men's Clubhouse on muscle building.


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## Jimbob82

Further update is that wife's addiction to FB continues to know no bounds, but I now am no longer concerned, have realised its unlikely to change. I'm now all about giving my time to the kids, and importantly, myself. I'm dressing smart, wearing aftershave, pursuing my own interests and letting her carry on. I can tell she's fed up with being a SAHM, and has zero libido, or any interest in me. I am just accepting it now, but not letting it be a concern. I've realises that I can always escape this, there are women who would appreciate this, although I do wanna be with my wife. Will update again in a few days I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I think you're being a fool AND a Nice Guy. The next phase of this story is her affair.


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## Jimbob82

Turnera, respectfully, I have got to say I disagree with the last part of what you said. I have now confirmed that her FB and cellphone are no more than tools of escape from being a SAHM, and I have checked for myself her interactions - 100% of it is with her network of other moms. On sat nite, we had a good night relaxing on sofa, and in bed cuddled up, where she opened up a bit more to me. She told me she doesn't feel very sexy at this moment in time, and also is worried she's put on weight. I told her this isn't a problem as she's always very attractive and sexy to me. She is also about 6 days overdue her period, which is concerning her too. Add to this the stresses of having a 1yr old clinging to you for 11 hours, and you can see why she feels that way I guess! I apologised, in a non-nice guy way, if I'd been too pushy and have basically said that when she's up for fun again, just head this way, but for now, am not initiating anything, giving her space, a chance to re-ignite her spark, and time to get confidence back. Best way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

Jimbob,

I can understand her feeling the way she does. Little ones can sap everything out you. How much time away from the children does your wife get?

One thing I'm wondering is if you can take her for an over night or weekend away from the kids. Just the two of you. This might help her recharge quickly and give the two of you some much needed time together.


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## Nod

She's no longer attracted to you. It's that simple. Maybe it's physical, maybe emotional, as women are complicated. You have to become that guy she fell in love with. Albeit a bad boy, buff guy, whatever... Even a modest weight gain can destroy all sexual attraction as shallow as it seems. I've learned that myself & am dealing with the similar addictions. Luckily, you have recognized it before she carries it to an affair or divorce.

Find that guy she fell in love with (not even the one she married) & you'll fix her addiction, sex life, etc.

Edit : it took several Weeks of dragging it out of my wife that I was too fat for her. She cried because she said she felt horrible, but she couldn't help it. It was a brutal wakeup call. But I was so relieved because i saw the way to fix it. I now let her enjoy Facebook & other escapes while I work on me. Yes it does hurt, but you deal & try to understand her PoV. 

We both have lost a lot of weight. I have lost close to 200 & have another 100 to go. She lost 150, & a size 4 hottie, from a size 24. I would say she is neutral now towards me. I'm not hot, but no longer a turn off when at my highest weight. I am working my way back to turn on. In the meantime, I enjoy her body while she does use her phone. Also we discovered that reading porn novels on the kindle is an excellent bridge, while I work on me. This gets her in the mood & we now have sex 4 times per week. Better than her cheating.


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## turkish

We need to meet up for a pint. We in exactly the same boat fella. Only we are a stage further, she has decided enough is another and we are separated, yet still living under the same roof.

My OH is too a SAHM and she just will not snap out of "Mummy Mode". She has been like it for 4 years, time and time again I tried to address it and it just wouldn't change. I have not helped the situation, but can relate to your situ totally. I too have taken a step back. Making an effort to always look presentable, losing weight, keeping active but best of all totally enjoying my children, which I have failed to do as often as I should have up until my rude awakening.

I like your approach, and bid you all the best for both you & wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lelkin

I can totally relate. I use my phone for function and for work. I don't play. My husband is on his phone all the time. I have no idea if it is functional or playing but it is maddening. Yes, he gets irritable if I say anything. So strange that people don't want real relationships with real people.


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## bribrius

Jimbob82 said:


> Hi there guys, new poster here, and was hoping to get some of your thoughts on your wife's usage of Facebook, and also just general Internet usage on Cell Phones, to see if your story is similar to mine?
> 
> The reason I ask is because my wife (I'm 30. She's 36 -been together 8 years, married for 4) is quite simply NEVER off either Facebook, or Online forums on her Cell Phone internet function (as far as I can tell, its generally chatting to other mothers she knows in real life, or virtually, as we have 4 kids, aged 1,5, 13 and 15 - the eldest are stepsons).
> 
> I know this may seem perfectly innocent, but it's really starting to annoy me the way she is literally never off her phone. Weekdays, weekends, evenings and nights - 7 days a week, 365 days a year, you name it. Been ongoing and worsening about 18-24 months since she got the phone.
> 
> Every time I look at her, whether it's on a morning at 7:15am when I'm helping get the kids ready before I go to work, or on an evening, when the kids are in bed after 9pm - all I see is her gawping at, mainly Facebook, and also the other online forums. The same applies right up to our bedtime, usually about 11:15. I purposely quit facebook (permanently!) last year as I wanted to spend time with my wife and kids, and not be distracted by the stupidity and dullness of it. I also never sit looking at my phone on an evening. I have no need to.
> 
> When I try to speak to her about stuff, asking how she's doing, whether we could get the kids looked after and go out sometime, general positive chit chat, she makes no eye contact or give sort of monosybalic answers like 'yeah' or 'cool' (which to me sounds like 'Whatever!'). The only time she is upbeat and happy is if she has seen something she'd like to buy.
> 
> What saddens me is she never asks what kind of day I've had, or how i'm doing - something I always ask her. She rarely kisses me, or shows any affection on a daily basis. Even when I go out on a morning, she doesn't even look at me as I kiss her on the cheek, and kisses to the mouth are ice cold pecks. I guess I just miss those spontaneous little arms around the waist, the unexpected passionate kisses or back massages your partner gives you from time to time. They rarely, if ever, occur now.
> 
> In fact, The worst part for me is when I do go to either kiss her or touch her, and generally try to get her interested, 95% of the time she tends to flinch away from me and act really, really annoyed, like I'm invading her personal space - when I guess I'm only really after some warmth and conversation from her. I appreciate she's had a busy day with the baby, but I do more than enough to help out and regularly put the littlest ones to bed.
> 
> I make the majority of meals and do so much other stuff to make her life easier. But her mentality seems always to be 'I'm going on FB / Cell Phone - this is my time, screw everything else.' She even gets annoyed if one of the kids interrupts 'her' time on the phone - I rarely see her actually playing or smiling with the kids.
> 
> Examples of recent stuff thats really annoyed me:
> 
> Last night, she said she was going to bed at 10:30 to sleep - I was just gonna stay down and watch the rest of my dvd for an hour or so. Her body language (rolled eyes, big sighs, cold shoulder) indicated that any Fun or intimacy was off the cards - as it is most nights. I went up at 11:30, to be confronted by, you've guessed it, the familiar blue sreen illuminating her staring face, and she got really ratty when I came in, saying 'Oh well I guess i'm going to have to go to sleep now.' - She turned the phone off, turned over and sighed 'I'm not having sex with you tonight, deal with it.' Before we went to sleep I noticed 'Missed Calls - 2 and Messages - 1' on her phone. When I woke up at 7am on the morning it said 'Missed Calls - 7 and Messages -2' on the phone? Is this a red flag, or am I over-reacting?
> 
> Saturday night is always, or at least used to be 'Our' night - kids in bed, film on, wine, chocolate and doritos, which we do still make a point of doing. However, she has little or no attention span with the film, and will be grabbing that damn phone and staring gormlessly into it during the film, or the second the credits roll - what is so important and amazing that you have to look at your cellphone / Facebook at 11pm on a Saturday night when you're meant to be chilling with your partner. I do no, and would not do this to her!
> 
> I just feel like this has come between me and her, but if I mentioned it, she'd go on the defensive and tear my head off (she can be quite volatile). I really love this woman, but am just not getting anything back from her anymore. That goddam cell phone and Facebook are slowly eroding it all. She used to be so much fun, we'd have lovely intimate fun 2 or 3 times a week, and she'd initiate a lot of it. Now it's always me that has to force the issue, we have sex about 1 every 10 days, and I can tell she's not really into it by the way she rolls her eyes. Maybe once a month, she'll really get into it and moan in delight! She doesn't even do 'Special Occasion' bedroom fun - in fact on last Father's Day I was awake and up before her, and made the evening meal as well as other normal chores
> 
> Thanks so much for reading - basically, are any of you guys experiencing similar issues with your partner, and have been totally marginalised and left feeling like a spare part by their Cell Phone and Facebook usage?
> 
> Am I wrong to be so upset and frustrated by this, or is it totally justified?
> 
> Shall I just cut off making any attempts at affection for now, and let her make any next move?
> 
> What is the 180? Can I do a lite version of it?


i actually limited my wifes facebook time and made her delete her account.
I didnt like the idea of having our entire family activities posted online so her friends and family could debate or discuss our life. My wife was careful what she posted and really didnt put much into it but the friends and family just seemed way to involved in our familys life. I prefer not to have our lives publicized.
If i had your problem i think i would take the computer out into the driveway and run it over with my truck and consider it solved. Not sure what else to tell you but i dont think i could put up with that for long. Course, i dont even answer our phone ill sit here and watch it ring. Kind of person i am im the complete opposite of social.


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## Nod

bribrius said:


> i actually limited my wifes facebook time and made her delete her account.
> I didnt like the idea of having our entire family activities posted online so her friends and family could debate or discuss our life. My wife was careful what she posted and really didnt put much into it but the friends and family just seemed way to involved in our familys life. I prefer not to have our lives publicized.
> If i had your problem i think i would take the computer out into the driveway and run it over with my truck and consider it solved. Not sure what else to tell you but i dont think i could put up with that for long. Course, i dont even answer our phone ill sit here and watch it ring. Kind of person i am im the complete opposite of social.


That's avoiding the problem rather than solving it. A person finds other things to do with their time when they are bored with you. Fix the attraction issue & you fix the problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimbob82

Thanks once again for some cool replies guys, plenty to take from that. Re. Attraction, yeah I think that's part of it, albeit I feel it is emotional right now (having said that, I can't remember the last time she said I looked handsome or sexy). Turkish, yes a pint or three does sound mighty fine mate! Also agree with what you said about 'mummy mode' - its like, in your spare time when the kids are in bed, she can't escape that mode, she'll discuss it on FB, where all the friends she speaks to are SAHMs too. She gets away for 1.5 hours, 3 times a week at different exercise classes, and also when I take the baby out most of wednesday so she can have baby-free time at home. I do feel sorry for her really, and we are close, but ultimately daily life has fried her brain so much, that, for now at least, there's no 'us'or any nocturnal fun (20 days now, possibly a record!) if you know what I mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn

Jimbob82 said:


> Thanks once again for some cool replies guys, plenty to take from that. Re. Attraction, yeah I think that's part of it, albeit I feel it is emotional right now (having said that, I can't remember the last time she said I looked handsome or sexy). Turkish, yes a pint or three does sound mighty fine mate! Also agree with what you said about 'mummy mode' - its like, in your spare time when the kids are in bed, she can't escape that mode, she'll discuss it on FB, where all the friends she speaks to are SAHMs too. She gets away for 1.5 hours, 3 times a week at different exercise classes, and also when I take the baby out most of wednesday so she can have baby-free time at home. I do feel sorry for her really, and we are close, but ultimately daily life has fried her brain so much, that, for now at least, there's no 'us'or any nocturnal fun (20 days now, possibly a record!) if you know what I mean?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bull .........she is selfish and can't see the forest throught the trees. daily life has fried her brain... what the h*ll is that all about ... bull quit putting up with this spoiled little brat mentality!!!! or its on you for letting her take advanatage of you. 

you make the money and she gets to do whatever and complain thats she fried!!!!!!!! oh brother wake up and put your foot down.


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## Shaggy

Crazy idea - what if you took her and the kids camping at a place with NO cellphone coverage? Say for 5 days ?


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## Nod

It's a lot easier said to tell your wife she's a selfish brat, then actually doing it. My guess is you adore your wife, & just want it in return. I'm telling you, she is not sexually attracted to you right now. Either you look like a pansy to her emotionally, or you fattened up. Post some wedding pics & some current pics. You'll get some honesty then. Is it shallow? Yep, but that's the new game today with women. Do you think women just hate sex? No they like it as much as us men. But when you are seen as unattractive, now she is doing it just for you. Check out the male action plan, by anthol. It is $10 usd for the kindle, but you will learn what you need to know for not only your wife to want you again, but to actually submit to you. 

I have discussed this in depth with my wife, & she is so excited that I am working on me. She is looking forward to the day she can toss the iPhone out the door. She just wants to be man handled. This coming from the woman who wanted to split 2 months ago, is now wanting me, but the new me. In the interim, she can have her Facebook, iPhone, words with friends, etc. I also told her, I want no compliments until I deserve them. I was tired of whining about the lack of attention, & got to the core of the problem...you need to too.

Time to spice it up.


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## Jimbob82

Nod, I haven't put any weight on, i'm uber-slim and in good shape! It's my wife who thinks she's putting weight on and feels unattractive! I find it frustrating when I see stories about women who've lost 'X' amount of weight by having really good, hard regular sex - so I say to her, 'hey, we should try that!' - but she just rolls her eyes and says 'oh, do you think i've got the energy for that?' But yeah, some good advise from yourself Nod and others again. Again, I'm ok, just throwing myself into time with the kids, being a good guy to be around, basically the guy she fell for in 2004. Most importantly, I'm doing it essentially for me, and if she notices and takes action - then, that's a bingo! (to quote Inglorious Basterds!)


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## mina

Facebook and Texting are not "real" hobbies. If she had a hobby I bet that immersion into the electronic would disappear. Re-engaging with the "real world" has a way of doing that. 

I started working out in addition to my extensive time I spend with my horses and riding. Instead of taking away from my relationship, it has found more time for me to spend with him. I also find more often that phone is left in the barn on the charger till morning and the computer stays shut down after 5pm.


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## Jimbob82

Mina, well done for having the will-power to keep away from technology after hours! 

Alas, my wife is not really like that, the cellphone is barely out of her hand from 7:15am to approx 11pm most days. Apart from when she's taking the baby to groups (about 4 or 5 a week), and making meals etc, she can't get off it. It is a habit, i'd like to be able to help her kick it, but I dont thank she WANTS to, it's her form of escapism. 

Even after her exercise group, when she gets home, its the first thing she does. When I kiss her goodbye on a morning, it's more often than not in her hand. It's got to the point where she's neglected other things that need doing (we had an ebay dispute because she never bothered wrapping an item, and getting the address!) I'm over it now, it's not a problem, i'm just kicking on, giving her space and not forcing the issue - it's the only way, IMO.


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## bkaydezz

hmmmmm...i see no reason why she cant get you time. how is it htat she can stay so linked to these things while taking care of her family? women can juggle and multi-task, but shes leaving everyone out from recieving undivided attention. she could very well have an internet addiction. but i am checking into her intrests disappearing from husband to facebook to cellphone...WHY? there is a reason here..In my last relationship the only reason i was so hooked on a site or my cellphone was because i was communicating emotionally with another man. I am not trying to say this is your wife. But its definately something to be nosing around for. She shouldnt be complaining about her valuable time that you two need to share together.


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## Jimbob82

Well guys, for the time being, I feel like the time has come to take a break from here (I mean this in a good way). The advice from you all has been great and I have taken a lot on board in a tiny space of time - thank you so much for this. If I hadn't discovered this site, I'd still be a bumbling beta, a pathetic, apologetic nice guy, who got annoyed with his kids and wife, then kept pestering and groping her for 'duty sex' she clearly didn't want - THEN ask why she didn't want to in a grovelly way, and getting all angry inside, and sulking when it didn't happen, day after day, week after week. Something HAD to give, guys!

Whilst absolutely nothing yet has changed re. my wife's FB addiction and current disinterest in sex (I at least understand why now), my attitude REALLY has. I am looking forward to reading NMMNG in the coming days. There is little else further that can be done right now to change my wife's behaviour, IMO. She's just SO set in her ways, it's absolutely no different to a drug or alcohol addiction. We still have family days out, and our phone-free 'Saturday DVD and fat food night', so I'm not going to demand she stops her FB, or gives me her undivided attention, it'll just create needless, awkward resentment IMO - No, she can just see me getting on with things, enjoying myself and let that lightbulb in her head go off about what she's missing, and she can start hitting on ME sometime (hey, maybe she won't, who knows, or in fact cares?). 

On the flip side, I must say this too - whilst I am enjoying this fresh approach and outlook on life and myself, I also feel slightly 'lost in the woods' on certain days, as if i've been over-analysing the situation, to the point where I'm not always in full control of my emotions - i.e. thinking about when the sex was hot and beating myself up that it's not like that now, or thinking about her with exes. I realise this is possibly unavoidable ('detached hose' theory?), as I change from a classic, awful Nice Guy persona (covert contracts, pandering to her needs, pleasing her, running around doing favours - and getting ZERO in return), to a strong, fun, masculine guy who knows what he wants, keeps a healthy distance, pursues hobbies, creates mystery. But it's an interesting and fun journey to be embarking on, and let's see how it pans out.

I'm right in a middle ground between these two places now - I've basically got to kill the lifelong nice guy I've been, so he NEVER returns. It's all I knew as a child, an adolescent, and most of my adult life - and it got me nowhere. I was wrapped in cotton wool as a child, my dad is a great guy, but not much of an alpha. My mother's the nicest person in the world, and told me to just 'be nice' to people, growing up. I went along with things, offering no opinions or healthy input or disagreement. It's why I went through 5 years of higher education without a girlfriend, why my first kiss didn't happen until I was 22, and was still a virgin at 23, until I met my wife. 

It's why I spent night after night in the house between age 17-21, wondering why I couldn't get a girlfriend, when my peers were socialising and, yeah, screwing anything that moved! It's no co-incidence that I started getting good, genuine female attention, when I got a full time job, aged 22 and started a '****y but likeable/funny' manner with women - it's what attracted my wife to me in the first place when we briefly worked together and met, for God's sake!

I bagged my woman, and then slowly tip-toed back into complacent nice guy mode over the years with her, and When I look back to what I've been like, it's no wonder the idea of going near me lately is so unappealing to my wife - coming in from work every day with a glum face, snapping at the kids, moaning at her, when she'd had a bad day too. God, only 2 weeks ago, I cried in front of her and my two youngest, because we had no money in the bank for one day, and she blamed it all on me, and I was apologising and saying 'why are you so mad, I do my best for you and you never appreciate it!' with tears in my eyes. I totally get why she wouldn't go near me. My hygiene wasn't good, I'd not brush my teeth for a day or two, I'd shower once a week and wear the same clothes 5 days in a row. I'm never being that way again...ever, ever. I want to kill that person I was! Now, the hardest part for me will be to get her to realise that I've genuinely changed for good, for my own benefit, the kids - and hers. 

She definitely isn't noticing and responding to it right now, as it's so out of character for me to dress smarter, be positive, and pursue other interests - I think SHE thinks I'm trying way too hard, and she's probably suspicious of why I'm doing it too (the 180 says this can happen) - but it's still early days. It's gonna take weeks, and months of consistency from me before we can even BEGIN to turn things around for the better.

I'm hoping to get back to a fun, basic way of life with my new-found approach, and try to rediscover the spark that always used to be there between me and the wife. I absolutely love her, as we're on the same wavelength deep down (same humour, fashions, music and outlook on life), but I guess with 4 kids aged 1-15, you probably lose your own identity and barely feel human most days? Even with two kids, life was a lot easier. If I can't re-discover our spark - and make no mistake it's gonna be a mammoth task - then that's life, and we'll just see what happens from then on.

I look forward to returning here in the near future, and wish all of you the best, whatever your situation. I hope you can emerge from the other side of whatever you're going through, as a better person, and achieve what you set out for in the first place. You deserve it...


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## 40isthenew20

My wife's Facebook usage (mostly playing those ridiculous games) take so much time out if the equation for me and the kids alike. She tries to make comparisons that I'm always on the computer, too, but I utilize t for business purposes. Checking these boards out a few times a day is my only 'entertainment,' per say online (plus the daily porn because her favorite word in 'no').
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Goldmember357

no she is never on it

i could not tolerate someone who is so into something like that.


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## Jimbob82

Yeah Goldmember, it has got to the point now where she's never off it. I find it actually a bit weird now, all I ever see now is her, sat on the sofa staring blankly at this small white object. Outwardly I'm totally getting on with things and doing my own thing, but you know, inisde I feel really sad about it to be honest. I have called her up on it in the past, but am made to be the bad guy, as its 'her time to chill'- so I just let her get on with it now. I know its not all about sex, but I just miss those things I used to take for granted like when she'd just come over to me on the sofa and straddle me out of the blue, or pinch my butt, or just start french kissing me in the kitchen. It doesn't even feel like we're 'room-mates' now, as that implies the remote chance of fun! Its like she's become a stranger to me and the kids, ive lost my lover and they've lost their fun mom (the kids also don't get much affection from her)...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I suggest you get a poster board and write out all the things that have to be done in the household - everything, including SF. Write it all out, walk around the house to jog your memory so you get everything. Then sit down with her and talk about who's doing what and how often. Tell her that you want her to be happy, but not at the expense of everything else that goes along with being married. Don't get up til you have an agreement on how much time she should be spending. 

Of course, if she's superwoman and HAS gotten everything else done, then you know it's you she's avoiding.

How's the book reading going? You should be done by now.


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## Jimbob82

Hi Turnera, I got the book sent to my parents and have not read it yet - I guess I really oughta? Re. the jobs in the house,I do about 50 per cent or more and yeah they're basically all done by 8pm, then all kids are in bed by 9pm at the latest. Bedtime for us is generally 11:15. The time inbetween she'll spend on the phone. I'll generally not loiter around her, I'll surf net, read,work on car, come in, make her a tea with toast maybe. I might then sit on sofa in a way she stretches her leg on me (she's still on phone all this time). Might rub her feet + put lotion on them, I do this on my own initiative lol. In the past, I may have run my hands up her leg and then gone for the neck kiss (previuosly this drove her wild with desire!) - now, I think ahhh, why bother, she's feeling ill most days (she has IBS) or says she's tired (basically code word for 'sex is off the menu'). Just remaining chilled, philosophical, not pursuing or grovelling, but yeah, kind of reminiscing about funner times
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## turnera

No wonder you don't get any. You have turned into her manservant. What woman wants to do it with someone like that? 

Yeah, I guess you oughta go get that book.


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## turnera

Does she work?


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## FirstYearDown

I am addicted to the internet. I spend way too much time on it and my husband has to ask me to close my laptop and pay attention to him. I am not proud of it, but it is the truth. He is socially awkward and rather than have a one sided conversation, where I am constantly asking questions to draw him out, I play with the laptop. Our sex life has not suffered because I will turn off the computer for that. My husband is making an effort to learn the art of conversation, but I can appreciate how hard it is for him because he is extremely introverted. 

Is your wife getting something from the phone or FB that she is not getting from you? Not placing blame, just looking for possibilities.


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## Jimbob82

Well guys, this situation has taken a new turn. We have just discovered she is now pregnant. We have 4 already, and this wasn't planned. Its not a happy time unfortunately, she doesn't want it, nor does. she want to get rid of it. In fact this morning when I asked her in an adult way what she wants to do, the blame and anger was basically hurled at me, and she's just said she can't stand to be in the same room as me, then escaped with the phone to the bedroom. I am doing my best to stay calm and support her, but just cannot have an adult conversation with her, so I'm gonna head out with the kids and have a nice relaxed day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator

Jimbob: With this latest revelation, I cannot keep from feeling sorry for you and your children. While it is all too apparent that your wife's "unexpected" pregnancy has a somewhat zero probability of being from you, something greatly tells me that neither FB nor somebody whose last name is Zuckerberg is actually going to step up to the plate and claim to be the father of this child~ I think that a major clue to who that might really be might actually be a FB "friend" of your wife~ and highly likely not be a female friend!

In any event, a DNA test is now in order! If she resists in the very least, then it's fastly time for you to load up your brood and get out of there; or to just kick her butt to the curb and let her go find comfort with her phone/computer and the father of this child, if that's possible.

There's also a great probability that her paramour will try to lose her as well, because if there's one thing that he doesn't really need right now is the added responsibility of having another mouth to feed, not to mention the emotional stigma of passing along all of this information to his own family~ provided that he's married, he would likely be having a divorce all of his own.

You also need to consult with legal counsel pronto to start the proceedings and get a firm handle on your rights.

*Your wife got what she wanted~ chill time from you, her unfettered ability to play with her phone, as well as with other male appendages, and impregnation from another man.

*Her FB buddy got what he wanted~ a strange and exciting piece of action that he wasn't getting anywhere else.

*And you got what she let you have~ absolutely nothing!

Time for you to move on, raise those kids, and find some woman who will love you for who you are and with her whole heart! It is time for you to start a completely new chapter in your life~ I wish you well, my friend!


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## Jimbob82

Thanks Arb, for what its worth, I believe it is mine, as there was an occasion in May where the contraception worked itself off, and we didn't realise until afterwards, and another where I didn't wear any but still entered her for a few moments after she'd given me a HJ. I take responsibility for this. She is now constantly sick, so am just giving her space and getting on with it.
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## DangerousCurves

Jimbob82 said:


> She turned the phone off, turned over and sighed 'I'm not having sex with you tonight, deal with it.'


As if the rest of your post wasn't bad enough... this part made me really sad. I couldn't imagine my spouse saying that to me.

I wish I had some advice for you, but in our home the Internet is my husband's mistress. Although, I can honestly say he doesn't ignore us (not totally) while browsing the web. I've grown use to staring at his back while he sits on the computer for hours on end.


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## Jimbob82

I sympathise with you, as its like they're there, but not really 'there?' And yeah after that rejection, I kind of realised that it was pointless trying to initiate anything or create sparks, as there was no reciprocated desire or passion being returned anymore. It kind nof feels worse aswell when you consider that in the past, my advances would either lead to fun, or if she wasn't in the mood, then a cheeky promise of fun the next night (always kept promise too), rather than labelling me lecherous and a nuisance for (shock horror) finding her sexually attractive!
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## DavidWYoung

My wife does the same thing.


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## Jimbob82

Crap aint it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DangerousCurves

Jimbob82 said:


> I sympathise with you, as its like they're there, but not really 'there?' _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactlly.


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## Jimbob82

Well, been a while and my attitude has changed so much. My wife is in the first trimester of pregnancy, and has been basically feeling crap for 2 months. The other week, when she felt ok and gave hints about having sex, I went to make my move, only for her to finally admit that she didn't want to do it, and not only that, but she DOESN'T want to either, and only did it (pre-pregnancy) to 'keep me happy.' Although i was so peed off that nite, I have had a weird relaxed feel about it now, like the truth set me free? I have no plans to initiate any more, and am all about just looking after her and the kids. Our sex life died this summer, but every other aspect of us and the family is good now, and I've never had a clearer head, I feel oddly liberated if that makes sense?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Give it a few months when you need a release. You'll change your mind. You're kidding yourself.

No offense, but this is the ONE situation in which the husband just has to say "I won't stay married to you if you don't believe in sex. If you won't go to therapy to figure out why you have an aversion, I will start the separation procedures."

Well, before you say that (and not while she's pregnant, of course), educate yourself on what a real marriage looks like. Women typically stop sex when the man stops meeting her needs. Period. Read the book His Needs Her Needs if you haven't already. Report back.


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## Jimbob82

turnera said:


> Give it a few months when you need a release. You'll change your mind. You're kidding yourself.
> 
> No offense, but this is the ONE situation in which the husband just has to say "I won't stay married to you if you don't believe in sex. If you won't go to therapy to figure out why you have an aversion, I will start the separation procedures."
> 
> Well, before you say that (and not while she's pregnant, of course), educate yourself on what a real marriage looks like. Women typically stop sex when the man stops meeting her needs. Period. Read the book His Needs Her Needs if you haven't already. Report back.


Yeah I hear what you're saying, but how can you change someones mind when they're so clear cut? Do I sulk or moan, and set myself up for rejection every time? She's made sex something every couple should enjoy together into an alien, abnormal concept. I certainly hate the fact that she's turned me into a celibate monk, but I have just got to get on with things. Thanks tho, I will get that book read.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

That's why I said you have to be ready to leave her. I'm sorry, but I don't know a single couple whose wife decided to cut sex who got it back, without the husband at least starting separation procedures. And even then, if the wife says no, don't leave, they then have to go to a LOT of counseling, to figure out why she turned off.

It's usually a set of reasons: 

she can replace wanting the guy with taking care of her kids (some women just seek out a man so she can have kids; and no, she doesn't realize she's doing it)

women sometimes have to have their breath taken away, to want to have sex; usually tied up in childhood shaming of her regarding sex, so that the only way she can 'justify' it is if the desire is so strong (think romance novels) that she lets herself get swept away

men have sex to feel loved; women have to feel loved to have sex; if your life has become stale, if she has built up a list of resentments, if you are Love Busting her, you'll rarely get her in bed, if at all; you should be spending 15 hours a week together to keep your marriage from being stale - date her, talk to her, ask her about her life, show interest in her...all the things you did when you were dating.


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## StuckInMud

I would have put the brakes on the facebook thing months ago, but the no sex policy I could not live with at all. I would have a blunt serious talk with her.

I think the longest we have gone without sex is three weeks, and we have been together 28 years. At that time I was Opening at work at 6:30 AM, working til noon, going to the university, attending classes from 1 to 5, studying and having dinner then going back to work at 7 til closing at 10:30 PM. I did that for six months and she was always working til 3 am. She would wake me up at 4 am wanting sex but I was too beat. 3 weeks seemed like 3 years to both of us.

I hope she snaps out of it for both your sake and the kids sake.


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## MEM2020

Turnera
I agree with this. And also believe that there is a constructive way to handle that conversation. 

My preference in that situation was to go down the massage plus happy ending route. But not in a cheating mode. In a 'take the pressure off you to do something you dislike'. 

Amazing the response you get to that.


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## drained

Why not just cancel the cell phone plan and internet? Look you are paying the bills. If she is not going to be considerate of your needs you have every right to not supply her desires.


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## badmemory

As You Wish said:


> I'd do a little snooping on Flakebook to see what she's up to, but that's just me.
> 
> That's how I discovered my EX was in contact with old girlfriends from HS. He was on the planning committee for his reunion and around the time I filed for divorce, I hacked his account and found that he'd gone and wished every one of his female friends who has children a personal "Happy Mother's Day," and I, the mother of his very own children, didn't get as much as a how-do-you-do that day.
> 
> I hate Flakebook. :lol:


I don't mean to suggest all wive's have an ulterior motive for excessive use of Facebook and texts. However, my wife was doing the same thing for two or more years. Facebooking and texting late at night and early in the morning when she wasn't at work. Long story short, though she used it to talk to friends, it was her primary source of contact for the man she was having a 2 year physical affair with. It took me that long before I finally wised up and decided to check on what she was saying. I recovered thousands of deleted Facebook e-mail messages from this POS on her computer.

Even if your wife is innocent of extra marital communication for now, it can be a pretext down the road. Bottom line; I don't think it's a good sign for your marriage.

I'll quote Ronald Reagan - "Trust but verify". Learn from my misstep and at least make sure you know who she's communicating with.


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