# Help



## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

Okay, so here it goes and I know some of you are going to respond with how could you!
My husband and I had the worst argument on Sunday. It started out with one of his coworkers telling me he was having a relationship with a female co worker. I was really upset and I showed up to where he was and was just upset that this was happening to us I was in complete shock and not thinking clearly that was Thursday of this last week. My husband was upset that I didn't believe him... I couldn't understand why his friend would say something like that. 
I was freaking out in my head. A little back info When I was 8 months pregnant my husband started seeing someone from his work. I found out 2 days before I went into labor... We worked through it. I know he would never do that again it hurt him that he did that to me... 
We don't really fight, so that's why I am just in shock by how bad this got.
So I stayed at a friends Sunday and not being used to being away from my husband and son for that long I walked home.. He had a friend here so I came checked on them because I missed them... SO his friend left and I asked if he wanted to talk about what had happened and he said no.. SO I left and checked my email when I got back and he sent and email saying he wanted to end it that the past keeps getting brought up and so fourth.. I haven't thrown what happened in his face because I know he felt terrible doing that to me. I ended up coming back which was the biggest mistake.. We had the biggest argument ever.. It got so bad I was screaming at him saying how could you do this to me how.. I ended up smacking him which I have NEVER done before EVER.. I am not that type of person.. I don't know why.. So now I am doing everything to apologize, show him that wasn't me.. I can't explain why I did that.. He did agree to go to marriage counseling then yesterday he said nothing can help us.. I know we can work through this and I am seeking counseling for myself..I scared myself. We are not immature people we are very loving and we always talk things through.. I know he is angry with me and he has every right to be.. He has been going through a lot since his mom passed away in Feb.. They had a very bad relationship. I will do what ever it takes to fix this


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

Any advice will help


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

jenhstn1 said:


> Any advice will help


Hi Jen,

I think you are on the right track in terms of personal counselling. To understand your reactions, impulses and fears is important. In regards to fixing a broken marriage, this is what worked for me -> Stop Divorce . I also noticed that you said that you don't really fight. I think that might be a clue that your relationship may have been on the rocks for a long time. I believe that in a healthy marriage: People fight. Now, I'm not talking about every day or using physical violence but when people share a life together they are bound to butt heads. Even in a healthy marriage. But it is how you respond after the fight that matters. Alot of people in unhealthy marriages shut down or are just plainly apathetic or keep going over the argument over & over. Whereas in a healthy marriage, you learn a greater understanding of the other person from the argument and apologize for any hurt you caused. For me the opposite of love is not hate. It's apathy. So, the argument could possibly be a good thing as a catalyst for change. It depends where you go from here. The fact you used physical violence complicates the issue but the good thing is that you sought help and admitted to your actions.

I hope I'm reading your situation correctly. Let me know, if not


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

Thank you... When I said we don't fight I meant like what happened.. We do fight over little things like most. We are always able to talk through what ever it is. 
He says he can't trust me right now which I completely understand.. I know in time it will get better..I hope. I am doing what I need to do to figure out why I acted like that. I will do what ever it takes to fix my marriage.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

He hurt you emotionally, and in the heat of the argument you lashed out to hurt him. He also needs to do some work don't put all the blame on yourself.

If you can forgive him for an affair he had while you were pregnant, surely he can forgive you for the slap. This can be worked out.

Wishing you a positive outcome


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Definitely get counselling if he's willing to go with you.

I haven't told this story much but the day I confrontd my now ex with the printed out ads from the dating site I found him on looking for sex, he was crying and acting hurt that he got caught and I kept saying how could he do that and why would he do that and I smacked him across the face. Not proud of that.

GET COUNSELLING TODAY.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

If there isn't more to his friends story ill be surprised. His anger suggests something more. Check his phone and emails and cell bill.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Aside from the slap, it sounds to me like you have much deeper issues. Any man that would cheat on his very pregnant wife has issues. And you are right.....why would the co-worker say that unless he felt the need. 

To me it sounds a little like he's taking advantage of your forgiving and good nature.... You deserve more than it sounds like he's capable of giving.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

Thank you everyone.. We've been talking and I think he sees I'm deeply sorry and that I am willing to forgive him for the past. I have to because if I don't it will cost me my marriage. I'm holding onto the anger and abandonment I felt from his affair when I was pregnant. I think that's reason I had a melt down


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

I am a very caring person and I do do what ever I have to to make everyone happy. I have always been like that.. Even with people i don't know. I don't like seeing people down. He is very passionate, he doesn't have expectations of me that are so high I can't do reach them, he is a very calm person, he does want to be around and yes he does push me away some times.. Like in the past few months he has kind of been on auto drive dealing with mother's death. He didn't have a good childhood. I am not saying that gives him the right to treat people including myself in a disrespecting manor. When it comes to the past he saw my pain and how I dealt with it. He beats himself up over still. He knew it was going to be hard, but this isn't all him I am saying its both our faults. I'm not defending what he did or what I did.. I keep everything inside. I know we can save our marriage... I really do believe that


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

We spoke tonight... he doesn't understand how I could be so angry one moment and be like I am now.. 
It will get better in time.. I hope. I have an apt set up for myself to sort my issues out. 
We both know we have to work on this.. he's just not sure how.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I will never make light of a physical situation in a relationship...however, he cheated during one of the most vulnerable times in a womans life. He can take it.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

So this is what's going on now... We are going to work it out and I am going to counseling.. So I can sort out what happened in the past and recently.. What has happened has scared me and the fact that I did get physical has shook me to my core.. 
He says he's more then willing to go to counseling with me, but I asked him to wait.. I need to do this on my own. Thank you for the advice and comments. I am going to keep checking in on this site. if any of you would like to email me feel free. [email protected]


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## Ser Pounce-A-Lot (Apr 7, 2011)

jenhstn1 said:


> So this is what's going on now... We are going to work it out and I am going to counseling.. So I can sort out what happened in the past and recently.. What has happened has scared me and the fact that I did get physical has shook me to my core..
> He says he's more then willing to go to counseling with me, but I asked him to wait.. I need to do this on my own. Thank you for the advice and comments. I am going to keep checking in on this site. if any of you would like to email me feel free. [email protected]


Hi Jen,

I'm glad that he has agreed to go to counselling. Have you thought about doing both? Personal counselling for yourself and couples counselling as well? The reason I say that is because doing counselling together can be a very powerful unifying experience (depending on the counsellor, of course, and how you approach it). For example, if one of you breaks down and the other person can see the hurt they caused it can be a powerful step towards reconciliation. If you need help choosing a couples counsellor, I highly recommend signing up for the free Marriage Fitness e-mails series (and if you like it, you can do the full program - which is excellent). 

Let me know if you need more advice.

Take care.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

4sure said:


> He hurt you emotionally, and in the heat of the argument you lashed out to hurt him. He also needs to do some work don't put all the blame on yourself.
> 
> If you can forgive him for an affair he had while you were pregnant, surely he can forgive you for the slap. This can be worked out.
> 
> Wishing you a positive outcome


:iagree:

You have a reason to distrust his fidelity and he's going to have to get over that. His immediate overt defensiveness and rudeness to you leads me to believe he may not have been all that innocent. On the other hand you are absolutely right that you have no excuse laying your hands on him and I'm glad you are willing to seek counseling for it. I hope you can agree together to see an MC! Thoughts are with you.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

I'm going to counseling alone. He asked if I wanted him to join me, but I think for right now its best if I do this on my own. As of right now its a day by day for me.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Go together from the start. So what you hit him, i'm not saying its okay, but he put you threw he\\. He's using your resentment of your actions against you. If it wasn't for A.... than there wouldn't of been a B. He cheated on you while you were pregnant, which is a major, deal breaking RED FLAG!!! He then followed it with messing with another if not the same woman again, which is another RED FLAG! Now he has the nerve to say, "How can you act this way?" How about asking him how he can act this way??? 

Methinks for a guy to cheat once on his pregnant wife has some extreme issues. Once forgiven... for that guy to "supposedly" cheat again. That is basically a character flaw. That tells me that it will probably never stop... why should it, you've decided to stay with him? To me... he's getting off waaaaaaaaay to easily here. It should of been him leaving... not you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think going together is a GREAT idea.

And you can do IC alone if you want too but MC is very good.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

For right now I'd rather go alone.. I'm still not sure what to think about everything that has happened recently. I do know I never want to have anything like that happen again.. As for him he's trying and I see that, but I'm not sure if I want to go forward or just let go. that's what I am trying to figure out for myself right now.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

I mentioned tonight to my husband that I think he might be taking what happened and using to his advantage.(Not what he did but what I did) I'm doing everything I can and I feel he's not really trying and doesn't seem to think he needs to do anything.. I don't know maybe I'm a little insecure or something.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You are not an insecure person--he gave you a reason not to trust him! My goodness, you slapped him and yeah, you need to address that. But he cheated, and he must be an open book or you will never trust him again. His behavior upon the accusation is pretty much exactly what a cheater will do after getting caught again--b/c he CANNOT be an open book, which is what he owes you! You really need to figure out why you are with a serial cheater; I'm sure you deserve better. And you will learn in counseling why you are such a "pleaser," and hopefully, you will get over it. You are being far too accommodating under the circumstances. He has NO right to demand any privacy, because he cheated! So ask for the phone and that will tell you right away whether or not he's hiding something (unless he's deleted everything, now that he has had time). Give it a few days/weeks, then check his phone when he thinks you have forgiven him. I don't encourage deceit, but you are too deep in pleasing to stand up to his lies; you are going to need to see the evidence to believe it. Good luck with counseling.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

This is just going to take some time to sort out.... Thank you.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

Today I received a very thoughtful card from my husband.. Bday card. He always gets me cards for special occasions, but this was the best. It was a blank card and what he wrote was by far the most heart felt loving stuff. It will work out. I just thought I'd share.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That is very sweet and romantic


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

It was the sweetest thing... Also he planned a date night for just the 2 of us for my bday... He took care of getting a sitter and everything... without me knowing, he has never done anything like this. =D


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy was messing around on you when you were 8 months pregnant and it's a pretty fair bet he's messing around again. All he got was a slap? My wife would have taken an axe to me and I would have deserved it. Enough with the apologizing. You are the wronged party in this scenario. Only the lowest form of pond scum slips around on his 8 month pregnant wife. Such a man doesn't have even trace residue of honor or respect. If his wife agreed to stay with him after such a violaton, he should drop to his knees each morning and give thanks. Why would his coworker tell you he's having a thing with another employee unless they believed it to be so? Why would your husband expect that you wouldn't be suspicious at such news after the very major violation he committed? He screwed up huge when you were pregnant and it'll take years to win back all the trust he surrendered. Messing around was his choice, not yours. He doesn't sound like a man worth keeping, but if he does wish to hang on to you, he has to realize his actions are responsibile for the natural distrust you have. He has forfeited any expectation of credibility. If he ever gets it back, it'll be because he's earned it.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

The co worker as I found out has serve mental issues. I have been getting hate emails and phone calls from this guy. We are not the first married couple he has caused major problems for. I know this because he did something similar to a couple I know. I just didn't know about his craziness and what he did to them.. until recently.
I am not in any way ever going to defend what my husband did. But I want to move forward an let go of all the anger and resentment from that experience.


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## Bielay (Jun 10, 2011)

Relatioinships are work no doubt about it. Marriage counselling will give you both the tools to deal with what has happened in your relationship and will you help you both move forward. 
This site has some great information about counselling for couples




> The one thing couples often do that makes things worse is to continue to communicate when they are feeling intense emotions. Bad Idea!
> 
> Everyone has trigger points, sensitive areas that can spark overwhelming feelings and emotions. When this happens, the ability to absorb and integrate information being communicated to you, in addition to the ability to communicate effectively, essentially shuts down.
> 
> Whenever you and your partner trigger one another, the most likely by-product is having strong intense emotions and feeling rather heated. This will become a huge barrier in having a constructing conversation. The most likely outcome is that the conversation becomes overly heated and turns into a bigger argument than needs to occur.


Hope this helps and hope things get better.


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## jenhstn1 (May 3, 2011)

I know relationships are a lot work... But when only one person is doing everything to make it work it doesn't work. I am realizing slowly that it probably won't work. I will never be what he wants. I can change my hair color, stay in shape, never complain about his shopping issues, be okay with him doing what ever he wants and list continues. I'm not the type of person to be someones door mat and that's what I have become. I had a friend recently ask me what I do for me and I told her I don't know. I am to busy putting everyone first. Husband, son, family, work, friends... I have been doing my best to not spread myself out so much.. I hate saying no to people, but i have been putting that word back in my vocab. Maybe I'm just rambling on here because I'm tired or because I have no other way of just saying what I want without the unwanted opinion. I do take advice but sometimes a good listener is all it takes. And if I do get a divorce at least I can say to myself I gave it a good go. I did my best. I will not be bitter if it happens sad yes, but not bitter.


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