# 2nd time



## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

This is my first post so please bear with me!! 

My wife and I divorced almost 2 years ago after 5 years of marriage and 6 years of dating. She has two daughters that I have been raised as my own since the very beginning of our relationship. We also have one daughter together. 
Through all of this they have remained a very big part of my life and I am a big part of theirs. 

The reasons for the divorce are complicated but I am sure you have heard it before, I got sick, very sick, I withdrew from life and the marriage, she cheated I couldnt handle it and we split up. 

Through it all we were able to remain civil and treated each other with respect. We somehow ended up back together. I was very reluctant to pursue a relationship again but with some serious pressure from my own daughter and my youngest step daughter we reconciled. We have not remarried. 

Three weeks ago I put her on a plane to Florida to go to rehab. That day I went into her phone and found out she was cheating on me again. 

I am so crushed I cant hardly get out of bed but that isnt an option since I have two daughters depending on me. I really dont want to speak with her but I am stuck and I dont know what to do. I have to speak with her about the girls and whatnot. I also want to be supportive to her during her treatment as I care about her and want her to get better. 

Any support or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I have one suggestion. You need to realize who this person is instead of what you desire her to be.

She is an addict and a cheater. Toxic to you, your daughter and stepdaughters. Why do you want to be "supportive"? Are you that much of a masochist?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You gave her a second chance and she through it in your face.

She is toxic and not "wife" material. End it now. Understand that she is incapable of a faithful relationship. 

Rehab is for some kind of addiction? Even if she conquers that she is a selfish, self-centered person and a serial cheater. I am betting there are more that you do not know about.

Run.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Who is the OM?
Find out and expose him to his wife or GF. Also make sure he isn't effecting your wifes treatment. Contact the rehab center and inform your wifes doctor and get there take.

Since your wife will be gone, it will give you *time* to reevaluate your life with out her in your ear all the time. You need to do some soul searching and see what if any the kind of relationship you want with your girlfriend/ex wife.

I'm curious, who's idea was it to go to rehab, and when was the timeline between getting back with you and going to rehab. It reads like she got back with you to go to rehab. I would be concerned she bails on you after rehab. So prepare your self but in the same breath I would be curious to see if she continues with her adultorous behavior after her treatment.

If you go colvert, you might yeild more answers to all the questions you currently have but in the same breath she hasn't the resource to do damage control.

Call the rehab center and talk to her counselors and let them know what you found out, and continue to investigate OM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

costa200 said:


> I have one suggestion. You need to realize who this person is instead of what you desire her to be.
> 
> She is an addict and a cheater. Toxic to you, your daughter and stepdaughters. Why do you want to be "supportive"? Are you that much of a masochist?


Because he loves her. Because sometimes we find ourselves in very bad situations where we have to do stuff that we might not like doing but need to do for our own sense of self worth.

Yeah. He could just dump her, cut off all contact, but that isn't who is he is, I suspect.

OP, good luck with what you have to do, with what you decide to do.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> You gave her a second chance and she through it in your face.
> 
> She is toxic and not "wife" material. End it now. Understand that she is incapable of a faithful relationship.
> 
> ...


Either that or the issues that helped her cheat in the first place were never resolved?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Because he loves her.


Obviously. I hope he finds time to love himself and the kids.


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## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

The OG is an old boss who has no GF or wife that I am aware of. 
It has been almost a year that we have been back together. The idea of her bailing once she gets back is not going to happen simply because she does not have the money to go elsewhere.

I have contacted her counselor at rehab and informed her of what is going on and she told me that the issue has already come up and is one they are dealing with. She told me to try and be patient as it is one of the many many things the xwife/girlfriend is trying to address.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Did you somehow get back together because she was broke???


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## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> Did you somehow get back together because she was broke???


I never thought so, but I am now asking myself that question. Also, I am the one who forced her to go to rehab, she obviously went willingly and is now glad she is there.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she already told her rehab counselor that she is cheating on you.

Rehab is not a guaranteed solution to anything. There are no guarantees. Statistically the failure rate for rehab is much higher than the success rate. More addicts eventually return to the addiction that those who do not.

The odds are against you that she will learn from this and never do it again.

I repeat - Run.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> So she already told her rehab counselor that she is cheating on you.
> 
> Rehab is not a guaranteed solution to anything. There are no guarantees. Statistically the failure rate for rehab is much higher than the success rate. More addicts eventually return to the addiction that those who do not.
> 
> ...


What are her addiction problems?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

not married the second time, right?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

rehab, fine it will deal with her problems-----as to resuming life with your X---No, No, and No

You gave her a 2nd chance, in a very easy situation, and she still can't keep her hands off her lover------YOU, YOURSELF, do not need this crap in your life------she can get herself straight in rehab, and go her merry way

In case you didn't know it, there are millions upon millions of decent women out there----you do not need her, and her serial cheating---she obviously has a thing for her boss---so let him have her, and all the more power to the 2 of them

The statistic will hit them also----the statistic---oh yeah----97% of all A. hook-ups FAIL


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Is this the same other man as the first time?

What do the texts say? Sexual? I love yous, soulmates?

Was this affair going on when you re-started the romantic relationship with your ex-wife?

Anything bad about you or your marriage?

Does anyone else know besides the rehab place?


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## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> What are her addiction problems?


Alcohol and prescription pills


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## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> Is this the same other man as the first time?
> 
> What do the texts say? Sexual? I love yous, soulmates?
> 
> ...


It is a different man,

Texts were somewhat sexual but more emotional in nature. 

The affair was not going on when we got back together, about 2 or 3 months from what I can gather.

Yes her addictions were putting a huge strain on the relationship. She did nothing other than go to work and go out. I ran the house, the kids and everything in between. 

No one at this point is aware she was at it again.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It wasn't even the same lover---then there really is nothing to think about is there-------even if she gets off of her addictions to substances---what makes you think, she is over her addictions to other men

Keep her out of your life, no matter what she says and does, she will just do this to you again---also it is obvious you can't stop her, as in she came home and she went out for the evening---whatever happened to staying home with your family??????


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bigmess said:


> Alcohol and prescription pills


Oh. Why does alcoholism and cheating go hand-in-hand? 
(Boundary issues, distorts reality, etc.)


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

bigmess said:


> It is a different man,
> 
> Texts were somewhat sexual but more emotional in nature.
> 
> ...


Was it a physical affair? Did they meet up or have sex from what you can tell?

Did she badmouth you to the other man?

Do you want to save the marriage?

Can you see if her and other man are in contact while she is at rehab?

If you want to save the marriage, you will have to confront your wife and see if she is willing to end the affair and meet whatever conditions you may have for reconciling with her. You probably will want her to cease all contact with the other man and allow you to verify that she no longer is in contact with him. You also might want her to tell you the full truth about the affair, when it started, what they did and said to each other, and why she cheated on you. You may want to ask her to take a polygraph if her story doesn't add up.


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

I am sorry you are here....

Its good your ex is getting the help she needs.
She is doing these things not out of loving someone else but out of hating herself. She has self destructive tendencies. 
You may be the one positive thing in her life and she feels she doesn't deserve you. 

Give her time to fix her problems and maybe she can repair the damage she's caused you. Otherwise, make plans for her to move into sober living and separate. It's not like you didn't know what she was capable of. 

Do you somehow blame yourself for her alcohol and prescription pill addiction?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bigmess said:


> I have contacted her counselor at rehab and informed her of what is going on and she told me that *the issue has already come up* and is one they are dealing with. *She told me to try and be patient as it is one of the many many things the xwife/girlfriend is trying to address.*


Intriging. So XW plus counselor are adressing it.
I wonder whether it came out becuase you already confronted her (this was the same say she went to rehab) or whether she brought it to IC attention.

As the counselor tells you to be patient I imagine she/he considers it an extension or another manifestation of her issues.

For some reason counselor is giving you some hope.


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## bigmess (Nov 25, 2012)

Silverlining said:


> I am sorry you are here....
> 
> Do you somehow blame yourself for her alcohol and prescription pill addiction?


Thanks! No I do not blame myself other than the fact that I should have forced the issue of her alcohol and drug use a few years ago.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you going to dump her for this new betrayal? Pretty obvious she doesn't care about you, and that she's using you for support do she can drink and abuse drugs.

Is the OM helping give her drugs?


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

bigmess - 

First, very sorry to hear your story. Sounds like you've been trying your hardest to be a gentleman and sincerely care about your x-wife's health.

Your post is very useful to me and others (lurkers). My DW just started IC for mental illness (she's on a handful of hard prescription drugs) - and I'm trying to be a caring man towards another human being. Despite uncovering massive cheating a month ago, I'm keeping my calm and working with her on how to better herself. I've been trying to "save/help" her for our entire 3 year relationship. Sounds like you've tried to be a good guy to a difficult case. 

Be very careful, my wife and her family use her mental illness as partial scapegoat for her cheating and abusive behavior. Don't fall into this trap.

Her mental state is that of a cheater - no matter how much fixing your X gets - it will always be in there somewhere just waiting for an excuse/reason to re-emerge. Do you want this to happen again in 1,5,10,20 years from now - like you've already experienced? How would you like to be retiring and she just gets up and splits on you... taking half your retirement and leaving you to either 1) age alone or 2) try to start dating at the age of 65 

For your kids sake, your own mental sanity, and your own genuine love for her - you could keep up the caring as a friend... no scorched Earth is necessary. 

Have you dated? How was it? Do you see yourself being happy with another woman?


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