# Husband never wants sex again!!



## Lemonhead (Jan 30, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years married for 4. We are both 35 and have 2 children. Our sex life was amazing up until about a year before we got married but it slowly fizzled out to pretty much nothing. He has pretty much said to me he doesn't want to have sex or be intimate in any way again. He said he is happy with me and doesn't want anyone else which I do believe as he never goes out anywhere. We get on very well and are best friends. He has recently suffered depression but the sex was a problem long before this. I love him dearly, he is the perfect husband and in every other way and a brilliant father so I do not want to leave him but I am desperate to be close to him again. I have tried to be understanding and patient and when I speak to him about this he doesn't see what the fuss is about. I have always been the one with the higher sex drive so this is killing me. He wont even sleep in the same bed as me. We have a double bed and a single bed in our bedroom and whenever I ask him to come into bed just for a cuddle he refuses. I feel very alone. I have considered getting it elsewhere but I don't want to, I want to make love to my husband I'm not interested in anyone else. Does anyone else have this dilema that could give any advice?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

Have you ever asked him why he doesn't want sex?

Does he avoid you in other ways, or just sexually?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I would start be telling him that he's free to be celibate, but you won't be. 

Then suggest he start with getting a complete physical, including testosterone level checking. How is his health in general? Does he work out at all?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lemonhead (Jan 30, 2013)

Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

There are people who truly lack interest in sex. There are people who use marriage to pass themselves off as "normal" and avoid drawing attention to other inclinations - homosexuality or fetishes, for instance.

Can you think of something that's as important to your husband's sense of well-being as a healthy sex life is to you? If you can, you may be able to impress on him just how important this is to you. 

As it is, he's sort of duped you into thinking he would provide something he had no intention of providing. You will have to decide if you're ready and willing to let it affect the rest of our life or how to solve the problem for good.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Lemonhead said:


> Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. *When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end*!


It sounds like it.

If you're not prepared to leave him or cheat (which doesn't solve this issue at all) then I suggest buying yourself a few nice toys and stop talking about it. Keep a journal or seek some counseling if you need to vent about it, but honestly the only person you can change is yourself.

I think your husband is awful for putting you through this.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Lemonhead said:


> Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. Insist that he see a doctor, this isn't normal and it's no way to live. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He refuses physical affection, even snuggling in bed, that's avoiding you. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, there's plenty you can do. This is actually grounds for divorce. It's grossly unfair that he now unilaterally decides that you will have a celibate relationship. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!
> You may have to make a difficult decision, since the situation is becoming untenable. You need to consider a separation, possibly divorce....before you seek affection elsewhere. You must explain in no uncertain terms that he is placing you in a very vulnerable position because physical affection/sex is a very real human biological need.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

he may have had undiagnosed depression before, which lead to his disinterest in sex.

First thing is to make sure that is treated. Talk to his doctor about medication that does not kill his sex drive.

Also make sure that he has a physical so other medical issues are ruled out.

Once you clear any mental or physical issues, you have to ask him whether he thinks sex is important in the marriage. If he says no, then tell him he shouldn't mind if you got it elsewhere. If he says it IS important, then ask him why he won't make an effort to fill that important need.


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## MsMittens (Jan 25, 2013)

This is a very unusual situation. I haven't heard of many men that don't desire sex. Although you value and love your husband for the good husband and father he is, what are you going to do about this? Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage, but certainly is important. You are being neglected. You have needs too that you will soon have to address. Encourage him to seek counseling. I think it's very selfish of him to not consider your needs and desires. Dont suffer any longer with this issue. Have a serious sit down with him. Tell him your not happy and you need intimacy. Best wishes to you.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lemonhead said:


> Our sex life was amazing up until about a year before we got married but it slowly fizzled out to pretty much nothing.


Anything happen around that time? Death in the family, big fight, infidelity, sickness, etc.?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> he may have had undiagnosed depression before, which lead to his disinterest in sex.
> 
> First thing is to make sure that is treated. Talk to his doctor about medication that does not kill his sex drive.
> 
> ...


This is really good advice. What is his health like besides the depression?


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Actually it's not such an unusual situation as some people might think. In my time on different forums, I have come across many, many women who are living in sexless or near sexless marriages, not by their own choice. It seems to me from that experience - although of course I haven't exactly done a study on it - that women are far more inclined to remain in the marriage, regardless of the lack of sex, than men are - all other things being equal (i.e. no abuse, no infidelity.) 

I am in a marriage where sex is rare, and my husband's desire - although high during dating - after marriage all but disappeared. I joke (to myself) that if I hadn't conceived our child before we married, I probably wouldn't have ever had one. For several years, sex was something that happened about every 2 months. It took me a year to actually talk to him about it - which sounds pretty sad, but there were all kinds of reasons for that. When I did finally pluck up the courage, he made all kinds of excuses (lies) and invented all kinds of reasons why he just wasn't in the mood or didn't feel like it, or was so tired, etc. I just got tired of hearing it, you know? How long does it take to have sex, after all? As a guy pointed out on another thread - who is in the same position as me and the OP - it's not "just" sex. It's the intimacy and closeness that come with a regular and good sex life. I always felt closer to my husband at that time, than any other time, and we always got on much better for the few days after sex .. until I started to realize, yet again, that I was going to have to wait 2 months until the next time.  I did, at one point, find out that my husband was addicted to porn (by his own admission). It seems that he dealt with that, I don't know for sure. But it didn't improve our sex life any. 

So, we have been married for 13 years last November, and intimacy is still not 'normal' so far as I understand it from previous relationships/one previous marriage/other people's marriages - but then comparisons aren't always wise! It's a bit of a minefield, because I want him to desire me, and he doesn't really. So, OP I really and truly DO know how you feel and what you are going through.

In my case, I decided that 1) I will not cheat. This is really important to me. There have been occasions when I could have cheated. Men have come on to me, and I have turned them down and discouraged them from approaching me again. I don't believe that cheating will help, because it's not "just" sex that I want - it's intimacy with my husband that I want. 2) I will not divorce him. We have three kids between us, the first two of which already survived his divorce from his first wife (who _did _cheat on him), and who don't deserve to suffer through a second divorce, and our own kid who I will not expose to the trauma of divorce. Sure, he might decide one day to divorce me, and if he does, then I will have to do the best I can to cushion the kids, but at least I know that_ I_ won't have initiated that trauma. 

You can certainly try counseling. We have been to counseling twice, but I found it hard to actually say what the biggest problem was in front of the counselor, because I didn't want to embarass my husband. I don't know how you feel about that. I did seek counseling for myself, but unfortunately my counselor was of the opinion that I shouldn't stick around - and that wasn't what I went to hear - so that didn't help me either. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I wish I had some way to help.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

BTW, you can't talk to his doctor about his medical issues, or his medication. Little thing called HIPAA.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

janefw said:


> BTW, you can't talk to his doctor about his medical issues, or his medication. Little thing called HIPAA.


PAtients can agree to disclose to others. If he refuses to share his health info from either himself or the doc (or both) it would suggest another really big problem in this marriage


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

41362 said:


> PAtients can agree to disclose to others. If he refuses to share his health info from either himself or the doc (or both) it would suggest another really big problem in this marriage


I just disagree I guess. I have never given my doctor permission to disclose my health info to my husband, or vice versa. I don't see the need for it. Now, if there were a situation where I had to have surgery or had a serious disease, I could see that happening, but for this kind of thing, no. 

If she gets on his back about it, it may only succeed in driving him further into his shell.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

Lemonhead said:


> . Does anyone else have this dilema that could give any advice?


You're not alone.

I had this dilemma. My now ex husband quit having sex with me three months after we married. We only had sex 3 times after we married and one of those times was on the honeymoon. I finally left 2 1/2 years into the marriage after over 2 years of no sex. We had other problems, but his refusal to deal with the problems is what made me finally leave. You can't fix a marriage by yourself.

Like your husband, my ex slept on the couch for over a year before I finally got through to him that it was not acceptable. However, him moving back to the bedroom didn't make a difference. Since you have two beds in your bedroom, maybe you need to move one out?? Demand that he sleep in your bed?

My situation was different than yours however because my husband wouldn't give me any kind of explanation. My now ex said he wanted sex, but it never happened. And he always said it in anger.

So, as to why your husband doesn't want sex, there could be many reasons. But, if he refuses to work on it or deal with this, then that is a problem. Without sex, you are just roommates. I know that some people feel it is okay in their marriage, but it sounds like it is something you want in your marriage. 

Maybe you guys can see a sex therapist? Does he have any want to increase his sex drive?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

janefw said:


> BTW, you can't talk to his doctor about his medical issues, or his medication. Little thing called HIPAA.


Unless he has signed a release for her to get information. I can talk to our doc about my husband's and daughter's medical conditions all day long.


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## ku1980rose (Sep 7, 2010)

I also wanted to add that I didn't have any children with my now ex husband, so that was one reason I filed for divorce. If we had children, I might not have divorced him. I might have stayed in the sexless marriage for the children.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He is an imperfect husband.
Why? Becuause he refuses to meet your emotional needs. This is a bad husband by definition.

The solution to your problem starts with HIS emotional needs. What are they? If you don't know what they are, then you have to figure it out and start meeting them. You then teach him that in marriage we meet each other's needs and that our needs are diferent from each other.

If you already are meeting his needs, then you stop doing that in order to teach him what a marrige is. 

This is not about sex, this is about emotional needs... Recommend the 5 Love Languages books also.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Unless he has signed a release for her to get information. I can talk to our doc about my husband's and daughter's medical conditions all day long.


Yes I am aware of this, but the post I was responding suggested that the OP talk to her husband's doctors about his medication to make sure it didn't interfere with his sex drive (paraphrased). I wanted to point out to the OP that she can't just go and do that, so she doesn't waste her time thinking she can just call up his doctor and chat to him about her husband's medications. Of course, if he gives her a release etc etc. - but none of that was mooted. So, my comment is strictly regarding the advice given and letting the OP know that, generally speaking, you cannot do that.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

janefw said:


> Yes I am aware of this, but the post I was responding suggested that the OP talk to her husband's doctors about his medication to make sure it didn't interfere with his sex drive (paraphrased). I wanted to point out to the OP that she can't just go and do that, so she doesn't waste her time thinking she can just call up his doctor and chat to him about her husband's medications. Of course, if he gives her a release etc etc. - but none of that was mooted. So, my comment is strictly regarding the advice given and letting the OP know that, generally speaking, you cannot do that.


Well, yes and no. You can inform the doctor about information to make sure that s/he knows (because not all patients tell their doctor every issue. The doctor can't say anything, but can steer the conversation at the next appointment. That assumes you can even get the doctor to talk to you.

You can also attend the next appointment and ask questions. If a spouse or family member attends, many doctors view that as consent and thus will discuss. Again, that assumes that the husband will allow her to attend.


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## Lemonhead (Jan 30, 2013)

Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond I really do appreciate it. We have had alot of issues and heartache over the years through no fault of our own. I had 2 heartbreaking miscarriages before we got married but the problems started before this. I think I will keep trying to talk him into seeing a Doctor again for hormone tests etc. I definitely don't want our marriage to end as I know I will never find anyone else like him, he is my soul mate. And as the marriage vows say "in sickness and in health" so I'm looking at this as his sickness. In the meantime I think a trip to Ann Summers is in order!!! Thanks again everyone x


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

It is hard to except when a partner no longer want's / cant give you the physical satisfaction you desire.

As others have said it is always worth geting your husband to have a full mediacal to see if there are any underling health issues but from what you have said it sounds as if he is just one of those men with little / no sex drive. If for which ever reason this is the case then you have 5 options in no order of preferance.

1. Presure your husband into giving you satisfaction.
2. Leave him and find someonelse.
3. Stay with him but cheat.
4. Buy some toys and "sort yourself out".
5. Accept that this is the way it is and put up with it.

Which you these you choose is up to you but will effect you all. Husband, Wife and Kids.

What ever you deside to do please take the time to be sure before you get to a point of no return. remember act in haste repent at leasure.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I think he needs an ultimatum, that you mean, or nothing will ever change. To me the thought that he would never change would be more terrifying then being by myself.

He has chosen to ignore a huge problem that only he can help solve, he is ignoring your feelings, and needs, neglecting you and putting your marriage at risk. It's not OK for him to do that, it's incredibly selfish.

The way I see it, he is either cheating, has a porn problem, or has a physical issue that he's embarrassed about. None of these are ok, all are fixable, but he has to want to.

You deserve to feel loved and cherished and desired. Please do not waste you life with him. You will absolutely regret it.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There's absolutely zero reason for a man to not TRY to have intimacy with his wife. None.

The arrogance. Selfishness. To suggest that he will never change and you just have to deal with it? Well you don't. You are devout by staying true to your vows, but IMO he already broke them. He's not caring for his wife the way a husband should.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

sinnister said:


> There's absolutely zero reason for a man to not TRY to have intimacy with his wife. None.
> 
> The arrogance. Selfishness. To suggest that he will never change and you just have to deal with it? Well you don't. You are devout by staying true to your vows, but IMO he already broke them. He's not caring for his wife the way a husband should.


There could be some grounds for the voicing of such hardline stance if you KNEW that the OP's Husband was both phyical and mentaly able to perform.
Since the OP has not told us this (they have said that he is a good husband in other ways) and has stated that they are treating their husbands inablitiy to perform as a "health" issue might I respectfully suggest that you go to far.


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## Lemonhead (Jan 30, 2013)

Yes Wiltshireman I agree with you. If I can talk my husband into seeing a doctor and having tests then we can go from there. I am hoping there is a medical reason for this.

I know he is not cheating on me, if he's not at work he is home with me, he doesn't go out anywhere and isn't secretive about anything. I know some of you may think he could cheat during the day when he's at work but I honestly believe he isn't. He owns and runs a garage and he always says to drop in and see him anytime which I do and he's always there and always busy. He just isn't that sort of man. He has never been into porn either.

Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to talk him into getting tests but yes he is being selfish by doing nothing about it. I'm not giving up though.

I appreciate your opinions, after all that's what I came on here for. It's good to read peoples views, it has helped me alot and made me feel more determined to get this sorted x


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Lemonhead said:


> Yes I have asked him. I try to approach the subject carefully as I don't want him to think I am just being a nag. Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex. When I tell him that I'm not happy with that he just says there's nothing I can do about it. He won't consider seeking help either so I am really at a dead end!


You don't have to be apologetic for wanting a decent sex life. As a married woman you have a right to that. You have to explain that your marriage is at stake if he doesn't sort himself out. He is obliged to live up to the marriage contract.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Originally posted by: Wiltshireman
> There could be some grounds for the voicing of such hardline stance[sinnister's] if you KNEW that the OP's Husband was both phyical and mentaly able to perform.
> Since the OP has not told us this (they have said that he is a good husband in other ways) and has stated that they are treating their husbands inablitiy to perform as a "health" issue might I respectfully suggest that you go to far.


I'm with sinnister on this one.

The husband is PHYSICALLY able to perform! There's more than just penis-in-vagina sex. The man's hands and tongue work perfectly well (he's a mechanic, he talks to wife), so he COULD perform sexually with her IF HE WANTED TO.

I will agree that MENTALLY he may be unable to perform. We don't know, husband won't see a doctor or a therapist (OP's own statement.)

So what we DO know is:

H refuses to have ANY type of sex with OP *for FIVE YEARS*.
H refuses to be intimate in ANY WAY with OP (won't even sleep in the same bed).
H refuses to explain WHY he won't have sex or be intimate with OP.
H states that he is PERFECTLY HAPPY in a non-intimate, non-sexual, JUST ROOMMATES relationship with OP.
H refuses to see a doctor about possible physical reasons for disinterest in both sex and intimacy (2 different things).
H refuses to see a therapist about possible emotional/mental reasons for disinterest in both sex and intimacy.
H KNOWS that OP is unhappy with the situation, feels the need for emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy, feels rejected, unloved, unattractive, etc. *FOR FIVE YEARS*, but H DOESN'T CARE because...
H states that HE IS JUST FINE with the no sex, no intimacy and OP just needs to GET OVER IT and there's NOTHING SHE CAN DO!
*If that is NOT the definition of SELFISHNESS and ARROGANCE, then I don't know what is!* 

It is NOT the lack of sex/intimacy *FOR FIVE YEARS *that is SELFISH; it is his ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that OP sees it as a serious LONG-STANDING problem, he must surely KNOW that this is NOT NORMAL, and YET his attitude is I'M HAPPY--SUCKS TO BE YOU--QUIT NAGGING ME.


.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Lemonhead said:


> Yes Wiltshireman I agree with you. If I can talk my husband into seeing a doctor and having tests then we can go from there. I am hoping there is a medical reason for this.
> 
> I know he is not cheating on me, if he's not at work he is home with me, he doesn't go out anywhere and isn't secretive about anything. I know some of you may think he could cheat during the day when he's at work but I honestly believe he isn't. He owns and runs a garage and he always says to drop in and see him anytime which I do and he's always there and always busy. He just isn't that sort of man. He has never been into porn either.
> 
> ...


As well as the doctors I think it would be worth trying to get your husband to speak to a councelor or similar about anything else that is troubling him. 

I had a close family friend who wife also had a miscarriage and then an ectopic pregnancy. They were both distrort after that he was so fearfull of putting her through the same pain and suffering agian that he felt unable to have intercourse incase she were to get pregnant / have more problems. If he had been able to talk to his wife openly about this I am sure they would have found a way through it more quickly but like alot of us men he found it hard to admit his weaknesses to her. He saw it as his job to be strong for her. In their case things came to a head when through fear of being aroused to a point where he would forget himself he stoped all intimacy with his wife and she demanded to know why.

I am not saying that this isthe case with your husband but sometimes there are deep rooted reasons for people behavior that are not obvious to others. especialy if they are unwilling / ashamed to admit them even to themselves.

Things are much better for them now and I hope they get better for you as well


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

If he loves you request on thing from him. He needs to see if he has low T. Could be medical. I do not think it is normal not to have a sex drive so this could be medical.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Lemonhead said:


> Thank you everyone for taking the time to respond I really do appreciate it. We have had alot of issues and heartache over the years through no fault of our own. I had 2 heartbreaking miscarriages before we got married but the problems started before this. I think I will keep trying to talk him into seeing a Doctor again for hormone tests etc. I definitely don't want our marriage to end as I know I will never find anyone else like him, he is my soul mate. *And as the marriage vows say "in sickness and in health" *so I'm looking at this as his sickness. In the meantime I think a trip to Ann Summers is in order!!! Thanks again everyone x


While true, I beleive there is an implict requirement that your husband work to address the issue. At some point, if he refuses to get help, he is hurting you. So you need to push getting him to a medical doctor and a counselor to work on this. If he refuses, an ultimatum may be necessary.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Wiltshireman said:


> There could be some grounds for the voicing of such hardline stance if you KNEW that the OP's Husband was both phyical and mentaly able to perform.
> Since the OP has not told us this (they have said that he is a good husband in other ways) and has stated that they are treating their husbands inablitiy to perform as a "health" issue might I respectfully suggest that you go to far.


In my opinion you can't be a good husband "in other ways" if you're treating your wife like a good friend and roomate. Share everything but a marital bed then REFUSE to seek treatment or work on reconciling the issue.

The title of the thread reads Never wants sex again. Meaning he has stated rather emphatically that regardless of what's causing this issue he refuses to change.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Lemonhead said:


> Yes Wiltshireman I agree with you. If I can talk my husband into seeing a doctor and having tests then we can go from there. I am hoping there is a medical reason for this.
> 
> I know he is not cheating on me, if he's not at work he is home with me, he doesn't go out anywhere and isn't secretive about anything. I know some of you may think he could cheat during the day when he's at work but I honestly believe he isn't. He owns and runs a garage and he always says to drop in and see him anytime which I do and he's always there and always busy. He just isn't that sort of man. He has never been into porn either.
> 
> ...


This is the point OP. It's not so much the fact that he doesn't want it again, it's the fact that he doesn't even care enough to figure out why and if it can change for the betterment of your relationship.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I would suggest counseling. My ex had a low sex drive and never initiated. He suffered from depresssion. You might have your hubby have his testosterone checked out. I couldn't handle sleeping alone.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

"Whenever I ask he says he doesn't know why he just has no desire. No he doesn't avoid me in any other way. He just says he is happy to go through life without sex."


Pretty much describes me to a tee (although I do the best I can for hubbys sake). I have several medical issues that cause this. I would strongly suggest getting him to talk to a doctor. He may not because of embarrassment or "not seeing the problem".. so it may take some convincing. Or, see if he is willing to try over the counter supplements to enhance libido. Let him know how important it is to you, and hopefully he'll meet you half way. Keep in mind that you shouldn't expect or hope for more then "half way", to be fair.


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## Lemonhead (Jan 30, 2013)

Progess!!! My husband and I have had a good talk and he is going to see his GP for tests. He said he refused before as he was embarrassed and didn't want to face the fact that there may be something wrong. Lets hope they do find something and it can be resolved. Thanks again everyone for taking time to post your comments it is very much appreciated. Fingers crossed!!


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Lemonhead said:


> Progess!!! My husband and I have had a good talk and he is going to see his GP for tests. He said he refused before as he was embarrassed and didn't want to face the fact that there may be something wrong. Lets hope they do find something and it can be resolved. Thanks again everyone for taking time to post your comments it is very much appreciated. Fingers crossed!!


Graet news in two ways, not only has he agreed to go to the doctors he has also started to have a meaningful dialog with you about his feelings.

I wish you BOTH the best for the future.


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