# After an affair he wants to go back to where she lives..



## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hi all! I have been "lurking" and reading for a few months hoping to see if anyone else had the same problems as myself. This may be a bit long but a lot has happened.

I have been married for almost 19 years, and very happily until 2015. My H was kind, sweet, caring and very attentive. We have always had a wonderful sexual relationship and enjoyed each other 3-5 times a week up until the point I found out everything.

My H started a new hobby of biking several years ago. With his line of work, he needs a hobby or an out because he has a very dangerous job. I was fine with it until all he wanted to do was eat, sleep and breath this hobby and was gone on his days and weekends off from the time he woke up until dark. 

During this time, I had an injury that happened 10 years prior and it never healed correctly and I had to have 5 shoulder reconstructions 3 on one shoulder and 2 in the other.

I had my first surgery was in 2008 and when the first surgeon got into my shoulder, there was so much damage and destruction that he did what he could I had to have 4 screws put in and referred me to a surgeon in his practice who was able to deal with the injuries and damage that was found. I spent 4 days in the hospital.

I was in so much pain, I could barely breathe and I wanted to cry, but the jarring movement killed my shoulder. The screws that were put in hurt horrifically. Any type of bone surgery is just the worst pain imaginable x100! I had multiple stitches on the outside of my shoulder and over 250 on the inside. 

I needed someone to help me with everything from taking care of the kids, eating, medication administration to cooking and helping me get up to go to the bathroom. My husband did a great job helping me. He could see how much pain I was in and my doctor talked to him about helping me with everything. 

The first week was a blur
of pain, pain, and more pain. Going into the 2nd week he was pretty much over it. He had cabin fever. 
I told him to go and do his hobby and he could get me situated and I would be good for a couple of hours. 
He said he wouldn't be long and he was gone all day until 9pm. I had to get my oldest child to open my med bottles and told her what to give me. I was out of water and had to go to the bathroom so bad. She helped me. 

He said that he got side tracked with a buddy of his who was riding with him. 
I told him what happened and he didn't seem to care. 
After that it was down hill all the way.


Fast forward 2 years and I had to have another reconstruction on the same shoulder, the ligaments and tendons that were reattached by the screws were basically coming apart. Again, another excruciating surgery with a lot of pain. I would need the same help as the first surgery. He responded the same way most of the time. Everything else was always more important. So I would time my meds to take them just before he would come home so I wouldn't have do deal with him and his "I could careless" attitude. I would rather sleep than deal with him and upset myself. 

Shortly after my 2nd surgery, he planned a trip to see his parents. He would be leaving just as I would be going back to work. He knew that I couldn't take any time off because of using my sick and vacation time for surgery. 

He left for 10 days to see his parents in another state. This pattern continued all of these years until last year. He had become more and more withdrawn and spending his days off biking with his buddies. 

July 2, 2015, I asked him to meet me at home, I was coming home after working 3rd shift and I cooked his favorite breakfest and served him. We ate and I talked. I told him that he had been very distant and otherwise he was gone on his days off all of the time. I told him that my schedule was changing at my job and I would be working at night on the same days he would be working days. We would now have the same days and weekends off together. I asked him if he was unhappy or if there was a problem. The only attention I got from him is if I wanted sex or vice versa. He assured me everything was fine and great and nothing was wrong. He left the next day to go see his parents for an extended amount time of 10 days again. He drove up and dropped our daughter off to stay at his parents in June for 10 days and now he was headed back up for a family reunion for another 10 days. 

After he left and had been up there for several days, I got a notification from google saying that he changed an event on our shared calendar.....but his email was totally different than what his email was when we both opened google accounts. 

When he got back, I held off saying anything and I snooped on his phone. I checked his history and found porn and selfies. 
So, I caught him off guard and asked him about the email and of course he denied it having another email name or changing his email address. I picked up his phone and showed him that I knew about this other email and that I knew for a fact that he sat there and lied to my face. 

Fast forward to August 2015 and he leaves for another 10 days to go pick up our daughter at his parents house. I was able to do some internet searching and found out how to see if he had other email names or user names. OMG I found quite a bit, and a lot on chat sites where they could talk back and forth without ot showing on their phone bills. Then, I was able to figure out the password to our cell account which he had managed. I was not at all prepared for what I found...

I became so sick when I saw it that I actually ran and threw up, I was shaking and was light headed and literally had a massive panic attack. 
In the month of June there were 9200 and hundreds of phone calls and text messages to 2 numbers. The area code matched where his parents lived and the second phone number had the same area code and appeared to be a business phone. There were multiple phone calls to and from this number all through out the day amd sometimes at night. And, I started checking dates and he was texting and talking to someone at the cell number and business number all day, even when I was at home and was sleeping after working 3rd shift. He was talking and texting these 2 numbers. I checked the July bill, same thing except that month there were 14,882 texts and he talked to someone on the cell and the business numbers between 4 to 6 hours a day. On the nights that I worked, he was on the phone for 2-3 hours at a time. 

I was furious, hurt, heart broken and sad and physically ill. I have never felt such a wealth of raw emotions like that before. 
I called the business number and found out it was a hospital. I didn't have a name yet so, I called my MIL and asked if she knew of anyone that worked there. Then, she told me and how she knew her. The person he was talking to was his EXGF. They dated for about 3 months before he moved to my state. He never told me about her.

Now that I had her name and where she worked at in the hospital. Mind you, this is a small hospital up north in a small town. Basically everybody knows everyone's business. So I did a a lot of searches on the internet and I checked facebook to see if I could see what she looked like. OMG!! She has bleached blonde hair and has a round fat face and bug eyes and weighs at least 240 lbs. Not at all attractive, not in the least bit. So, I felt better knowing that he went to the bottom of the trash can to cheat on me. I don't know why, but it made me feel better.

Not only did he have EA with her but a PA as well. 
I later found out that they started talking in 2011 and had sex once.
He said they haven't spoken since then until 2015.

So I gather all the info that I can on her and I check our lap top and then I cracked his password to his yahoo email. I checked all of the inbox, trash and sent folders. I didn't think I would find anything and BOOM, I found where he sent a couple of her topless pictures that she sent to his cell phone, he sent them to his work email address. His employer would fire him for having this on his hard drive. I sent those to my own email address for proof. 

Then, I called him to come home from work. So he comes by and I ask him if there is anything that he needs to tell me, he says "No". I said, "I wouldn't be asking if I didn't already know what you havr been doing". He played dumb. I had never noticed until that exact moment that when he lies, his yankee accent is super pronounced. He has been in the south for 20 years and has lost pretty much his entire accent...I would have to remember that for any future interrogations.....

Then, I showed him the June and July cell bills. I thought his head was going to explode. I also reminded him that his employer would fire him on the spot if they ever found out. He honestly thought he was so slick and would never get caught. His explanation was, they were friends and he called HER to ask about a biking injury that he had and all they did was "CHIT CHAT and catch up". 
I about got sick when he said that.
I said, of all the doctors, paramedics and EMT's that he comes in contact with on his job, why didn't he ask them. He said that his mom told him to call her because she is a family friend. This was a lie too. I was livid by this point! I yelled, "You are a bleeper bleeping liar, she is your old girlfriend. I then showed him the nude
pictures that I found and he tried to grab the computer away from me, I held on for dear life, and he pushed me and I hit the wall with my bad shoulder and he yanked it out of my hands and arms and was trying to delete it. I just reacted and slaped him so hard across the face that I buckled his 6'3 body to his knees. I don't like or condone violence at all. My first husband was an abusive alcoholic. I had several busted lips and black eyes because of him and my H knew that, and had seen the police pictures of my swollen, beaten face.
I don't know if it was instinct but I did it.

I have always avoided any confrontation with anyone. He is the same way. If I was upset or mad about anything that he said or did which was only on a few occasions, I kept it to myself so not to cause any argument.

He tried to stand up and he went down again. I thought maybe I really had hurt him. I said, "you can keep those or erase them, I have all the copies that I need." He looked up and he was an ashy gray color, I thought he was going to pass out. 

He lied and lied and finally, I told him to get his crap and leave that I no longer wanted him near me. He got clothes and uniforms and his toothbrush and his razor and left. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the day of our anniversary, he called me and said he wanted to come over just to talk. I got ready and "dolled" up. When he got there, he had a zillion roses. I let him in and he looked like he was going to pass out. He gave me the roses, kissed my cheek and apologized like there was no tomorrow. He cried, and I have never, ever seen him cry. He said that he needed to come clean. He started talking and the information just flowed out almost uncontrollably.
I asked him why? Why did you do this to me, to us?

All he could say was how dealing with my surgeries and the medication that I was on got to him and all I wanted to do was sleep and he was bored at night and just wanted someone to talk to. I was flabbergasted! I told him that medication comes with surgeries like the ones that I had and he said he just needed some attention. He was not used to being a care giver. 

I am on sleeping pills now because I work permanent 3rd shift. I am sleeping all day while he works. On our days off together he is so used to going to bed early, he is asleep by 10pm. I take them after he goes to sleep, otherwise I would be up all night. 

So I asked him why did he not talk to me and tell me how he felt. He said he didn't know how to talk to me. So, I said, "To solve this problem, you call up your ex and started talking to her and boom, you are now having an affair, your wife caught you and your wife hates your guts and has kicked you out of the house. Tell me, how did that work out for you"? 

I asked how many times they had sex and did he use protection. He looks at me without skipping a beat and said, "I took some of our old condoms out of the closet and used them". I said, "You want to tell me the truth now". He insisted that was the truth. "I promptly told him that I threw the condoms out 5 years ago when we cleaned the closet out".
"He said, ok I got some at the store up there". I told him he was a liar and that he didn't use a condom. He admitted it, I lost it completely! I was screaming at the top of my lungs that he didn't love me or respect me or my health enough to at least use one, and that we both probably had an STD. I took the roses and threw them at his head and told him to get out of my house. I was shocked just hearing this come out of my mouth. I reached a point that I didn't care anymore, but I was going to stand up for myself. He left and I sobbed for what seemed like all day and sobbed my self to sleep that night. 

I called the doctor and made an appointment and told him everything. He is both of our doctors. He was shocked. I had the test and it came back negative, thank the lord!

I found out where HER husband worked by sheer dumb luck, I checked the local news papers on line in the county that I had an adress on and put his name in the search box and it returns an article about him and a large account that he was able to secure. I looked up the phone number and called very late one night and got the company directory and his name and extension number was on there as well. 

So, the next day, I called her H at work and told him everything. He literally just sat there an listened. I told him that I would send him a copy of everything. He declined, and the last thing I said to him, "If you don't believe me, just look at her cell phone records". He thanked me and we hung up. I then called the hospital where she works and talked with a lady at the switchboard that apparently knows what kind of person she is, she tells me that she is glad that she has finally been caught and that someone is finally doing something about it. So I gather that the operator has talked to a few pissed off wives. Apparently, she has split up a few marriages. The operator has the Human Resources manager call me back ASAP. I filed my complaint and and she listened to everything that I had to say. I told her that I would be glad to send a copy of my cell phone records and the naked pictures and the emails that I had salvaged. She told me that she didn't think that she would need anything from me other my name and phone number. I gave her that.

I told my MIL everything, she assured me that he was not raised to do things like this, and that he was raised in church and to have morals and values. I assured her that he did until he dicided that he didn't want to live by those any more. She apologized, I told her that he is a 42 year old man and he made the choice to to do what he did, and it was no reflection on her. This has been totally out of character for him.
If someone told me that I would be dealing with this in the future, I would have called them crazy!

Well, my MIL called me a few weeks later and told me that she had heard from someone that worked at the same hospital that SHE been fired. 
I honestly did a happy dance!!! 

She told me that everybody knew what she had been doing for years and no one complained to the hospital until I did. They fired her for conduct un-becoming and pretty much dared her to cause a scene and she was escorted out of the hospital! I told my H that I called her H and the hospital. He didn't say a word. 

Were separated for a while, he has poured his heart out to me and apologized every time I called him about something with our daughter or the house. I have had as little contact as possible with him.
He has begged for me to let him come home. I let come home about 2 months ago. He has done a complete about face and I can see my old H that I have loved like no one else. I have worked on my self and spending time together and he is working on talking to me and telling me his feelings. I am happy with the changes that he has made. 


I have looked for a MC but I haven't found anyone that I want to go to. I am looking at the next county over where no one will know us.

Fast forward to present day. His family reunion is coming up and he wants to go up to his parents house and see them and go to it. I am unable to get off work due to the type job that and he and I both do. My agency is smaller and it is harder to get someone to switch work schedules with me. I cannot find anyone at all. He tells me that he and my daughter are still going. I wanted to throw up, this is just a slap in my face!

All of the pain and heartache have come flooding back with a vengeance. I didn't talk to him all weekend. On our 2 days off together I stayed in bed. I am just sick to my stomach, and I feel like H3LL has been unleashed on my emotions. I told him that I don't trust him or her at all and I felt like if they had a chance, they would see each other. 

I told him how I felt about everything. He said to me "So are you telling me that you don't want me to go"? I said " Put yourself in my shoes". I told him that I would never keep him from seeing his parents and that he could do what the H3LL he wanted to. 

I tried to explain by tezt what triggers are and how they affect people, and how him going up there without me was a major trigger and a reminder of what he did. At that point, I didn't text him anymore. He texted back "I am sorry". I was at work and started to get upset. So, I didn't respond after his last text. 

I am so upset by this whole thing. I thought he would bow out and not go when we found out that I couldn't change my schedule. I feel like he is being so selfish...

I am sorry that this was long and drawn out, but it did help to get it out.

Any help or advice from you guys will be greatly appreciated!

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you want to stay with him? He seems to be disappointing you pretty consistently.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

This has really opened my eyes. I am thinking long and hard about everything that has happened. We've had a lot of great years and we never did fight. That is why I am so confused as to why he feels like he has to go, and start this all over again.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

alywhite77 said:


> This has really opened my eyes. I am thinking long and hard about everything that has happened. We've had a lot of great years and we never did fight. That is why I am so confused as to why he feels like he has to go, and start this all over again.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Have you asked him? Does he feel he can be honest with you?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady. 

What really bothers me is the part where he just turned his back to you and your Family when you needed him the most.
In some way this was the test of his love for you and your Marriage and he did the worst possible thing. 

His talk about how sorry he is and beging for another chance is big lie. If he really cares for you he would tell you the truth and he would never go without you to this reunion.

Also his excuses for having this Affair are ridiculous. Him saying he couldnt talk with you is selfish and dumb. When he needed some sex then he could find a way to talk with you. 

Maybe I am wrong for saying this but you should go for Divorce. Betrayal is really bad but not caring about your spouse when they need your help is huge. This is where he showed his true face.

Sorry about your first Marriage. Noone deserve to be abused and hit but you put smile on my face when you hit your curent Husband. 

Stay strong.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I really think, if he is not prepared to bend over backwards to make you feel more comfortable he has not had his come to Jesus moment. In fact, he seems to have gotten off rather lightly, a short separation and then all things go back to normal. I suggest you think long and hard about a future without him, you cannot trust a man who is not remorseful or working on the relationship to give you the peace you need. I would suggest separation, and counselling. Tell him you are not out of the woods yet and you are still keeping your options open about the marriage. Put the fear of God in him, you let him off too lightly imo. In fact forget about the marriage, get IC for yourself to handle your emotions and heal.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

alywhite77 said:


> That is why I am so confused as to why* he feels like he has to go*, and start this all over again.


He does not HAVE to go. He WANTS to go. There is a big difference.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my Lady.
> 
> His talk about how sorry he is and beging for another chance is big lie. If he really cares for you he would tell you the truth and he would never go without you to this reunion.
> 
> ...


His "excuse" is not as ridiculous as it seems, or should I say not as uncommon as you might think. There are quite a few threads here at TAM of the spouse (for some reason, all the stories I know of are men) leaving their sick/ill/injured wives to pursue EAs or PAs.

Many man are weak and cannot cope. But in the end it is their decision to cheat. Yes, he physically abandoned her at her time of most need. 

IMO his trip back there is a deal-breaker for the marriage. @aine has very good advice.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wait... he's a yankee?

Immediately file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

It's really not your fault that he used the excuse of visiting his parents to go cheat. He screwed everything up, not you. I would say it's a deal breaker too.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

With the remorse that was shown, it is unsettling why he would even want to place himself in such an unmindful place, and even more that he would be willing to drag you through that again... possibly it's time to think less of the lessons you hope he had learned and think about the lessons you have learned.

Please cast aside the fear of finding counseling where "no one will know us", if you have access a quality counselor close by use them as soon as possible... mental, physical, and spiritual all tie together and you are struggling with much more than you deserve and can handle alone. Lead your marriage in a lesson of humility and take care of yourself first.

**additional thought**

Oh, and stay true to your healthy boundaries... these are your values and worthy of enforcement. Draw that line with confidence, promote them with vigor, rest in them with comfort of courage... the best way to keep your values alive is to execute them.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Aly, that's a bad story, I'm sorry for you here.

I think you need to decide if you can ever heal from this. Sometimes, the trauma is just so bad that the marriage is irreconcilable. I think it might be worthwhile to spend time thinking about this, and try to be specific with yourself about what would need to happen for you to accept him. Right now, you're awash in anguish. That's not conducive to healing and surely not to reconciliation.

At this point, it's about you and what's going on inside of you, not really him or anything he's saying or doing. You mentioned MC, I think your own individual therapy might be in order, too, to help heal and clarify what direction you really want to go in.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld
I have asked him many times, always his answer is "yes". He will say it without even thinking about what I asked. So, I don't know if I am getting the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
My thoughts on the "truth" will be coming in the form of a polygraph. Sooner than later!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you asked him? Does he feel he can be honest with you?


We texted back and forth last night while I was working. It was very busy last night...a lot of criminals to take to jail
I asked him point blank if he felt that he could talk to me and be completely honest with me, his response was immediate..."YES" 
I asked him why it was important for him to go for a week when i can only stay 3 days. 

Then, I asked him to put himself in my shoes and look at this from my point of view, through my eyes and then answer my question. He paused and texted "you are right, if it was me in your position, I wouldn't want you to go either". 

I asked him why he wouldn't want me to go, 
"I wouldn't trust you or the other person.
YES!!!! I think he finally GETS it!!!



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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

Be smart said:


> Sorry you are here my Lady.
> 
> What really bothers me is the part where he just turned his back to you and your Family when you needed him the most.
> In some way this was the test of his love for you and your Marriage and he did the worst possible thing.
> ...


That part really bothered me to. He has redeemed himself since then. I had to have 2 kidney surgeries after all this happened and he was right there with me. He cooked, cleaned and stayed in bed with me. 

He knows that I am still on the fence about divorce.
I have shown him that when I say something, I mean it and I will go through with it. Especially where he is concerned!


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> He does not HAVE to go. He WANTS to go. There is a big difference.


That's exactly what I said to him.

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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

alywhite77 said:


> YES!!!! I think he finally GETS it!!!


He only gets it if

1) He does not go unless you are there, and 
2) he only stays for number of days you can go with him, and
3) he is always with you and does not disappear for a few hours by himself.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> His "excuse" is not as ridiculous as it seems, or should I say not as uncommon as you might think. There are quite a few threads here at TAM of the spouse (for some reason, all the stories I know of are men) leaving their sick/ill/injured wives to pursue EAs or PAs.
> 
> Many man are weak and cannot cope. But in the end it is their decision to cheat. Yes, he physically abandoned her at her time of most need.
> 
> IMO his trip back there is a deal-breaker for the marriage. @aine has very good advice.


Him doing this behind my back and getting away with it makes it an adventure and a rush. 
My question to him was, "Why didn't you at least try to talk to me". "I made an effort to talk to you and asked you last year if there was a problem". I explained to him that he had the choice to stop and end it all with her, but he didn't he chose to meet up with her again. I explained to him it was his way of rubbing salt in the wound. 
He was so caught up in the excitement of sneaking around that he got sloppy and I caught him red handed. 

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Wait... he's a yankee?
> 
> Immediately file for divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hey Gus!
He is a yankee...
I like to yankee a knot in his tail!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> With the remorse that was shown, it is unsettling why he would even want to place himself in such an unmindful place, and even more that he would be willing to drag you through that again... possibly it's time to think less of the lessons you hope he had learned and think about the lessons you have learned.
> 
> Please cast aside the fear of finding counseling where "no one will know us", if you have access a quality counselor close by use them as soon as possible... mental, physical, and spiritual all tie together and you are struggling with much more than you deserve and can handle alone. Lead your marriage in a lesson of humility and take care of yourself first.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I will!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

Unicus said:


> Aly, that's a bad story, I'm sorry for you here.
> 
> I think you need to decide if you can ever heal from this. Sometimes, the trauma is just so bad that the marriage is irreconcilable. I think it might be worthwhile to spend time thinking about this, and try to be specific with yourself about what would need to happen for you to accept him. Right now, you're awash in anguish. That's not conducive to healing and surely not to reconciliation.
> 
> At this point, it's about you and what's going on inside of you, not really him or anything he's saying or doing. You mentioned MC, I think your own individual therapy might be in order, too, to help heal and clarify what direction you really want to go in.


I think I am going to take care of myself first. If I can take care of me and recover my self esteem from the floor, I feel like I will be in a stronger and in a better state of mind to deal with the rest!

Once I get into counseling, I may just realize that life is much easier without him.

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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

alywhite77 said:


> Hey Gus!
> He is a yankee...
> I like to yankee a knot in his tail!


Ma'am, they're ain't a southern girl that ever lived that couldn't do better than a yankee.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hey, I am a Yankee, living in the deep, deep, deep south and married.

But I imported a Buckeye.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Ma'am, they're ain't a southern girl that ever lived that couldn't do better than a yankee.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here I sit, living in West Tennessee, yet born and raised in California.

They keep trying to tell me I am a yankee.

I keep trying to tell them that people in California were too busy drinking wine and hitting the weed to get involved in that skirmish.

I don't think they believe me.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I was born in the South and lived in California for most of my life. It seems the Southerners I run into really think California is some sort of other country. They don't quite know what to make of me. May as well be from Mars.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ally, start getting your ducks in a row. Start doing the 180 on him, let him know you will not be walked over ever again. Be prepared to lose this marriage, he has had it too easy. You seem to have a need to keep this under wraps with counselling somewhere people don't know you. Remember
1. you have nothing to be ashamed of, you did not cause this
2. affairs only thrive in secrecy and darkness

Intuitively you want to hide it, but you must do the opposite, expose it to the light, tell his and your parents, your friends, family, everyone who will listen and tell the OW friends and family. The A will be snuffed out, when the thrill of the sneaking around is exposed.

Stop talking about twisting his tail, do it!


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

alywhite77 said:


> We've had a lot of great years and we never did fight.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Not fighting doesn't mean that it was a great relationship. My Ex and I never fought. She would just talk about me behind my back to what ever guy or gal she was hooking up with.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

aine said:


> Ally, start getting your ducks in a row. Start doing the 180 on him, let him know you will not be walked over ever again. Be prepared to lose this marriage, he has had it too easy. You seem to have a need to keep this under wraps with counselling somewhere people don't know you. Remember
> 1. you have nothing to be ashamed of, you did not cause this
> 2. affairs only thrive in secrecy and darkness
> 
> ...


Here's an update!
We left for up north Friday when I got home from 3rd shift. I slept all day and we arrived at 8pm.

Saturday, we got to the reunion and talked to everyone. He stayed with me or around me for about 30 minutes. He would just walk away not say a word and socialize. I felt out of place the whole time.

While sitting in the sun, I did a lot of soul searching
I realized that it is time for me to find a counselor for just myself. He has mind f----- me so bad over all this. I am just going to do me... and not make any huge efforts towards us until I feel like I can give more than a half a$$ed effort at most. 

I am losing my hair and I am just totally pissed off to no end at him and this situation he has put us in. I constantly want to argue with him and shove all this crap back into his face. 

I never really realized how broken down I am. I had to get up from sitting in the sun and go to the bathroom and I cried and just sobbed. I don't even remotely feel the same at all. I feel like I have lost myself, and will never be able to find her or her happiness again.

I am in the car and we are driving back. I am supposed to be resting because I will be driving late into the night, he keeps turning around to see what I am doing. 
He has asked me if I was reading, checking facebook, emails..
is about to get the best of him! A little pay back sure can't hurt. 

I will up date once i get back home.



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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Alywhite, I can hear the pain in your mail, this is a normal part of betrayal. He has betrayed you and it hurts, but time will heal this. However, it has to be on your terms. You are right to take care of yourself now, go and get that IC, do things for yourself, take care of your health, pamper yourself, love yourself. Be mindful everyday of how you are. Take the focus of him and of the marriage, you can put both aside for now. That is why doing the 180 will help you to detach so you can work on yourself. You do not have to play games with him but do not engage with him on anything emotional, or the marriage. 
You need the space, time to step back and see where you are, to leave the emotional turmoil aside for now and work on you alone. You will be much stronger to deal with whatever comes your way and even be prepared to walk away if neccessary. When emotions are raw, that is not the best time to make any decisions, you are doing the right thing, mourne the old marriage if you need to. If you stay a new marriage has to be built.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you losing your hair from stress?


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

Hi Aine!
Thank you for such great advice! I really appreciate all of it. I had to work the past 2 nights and was just emotionally and physically exhausted. I am will be off work for the next 2 days and I am going to work on finding a good a counselor for myself. 

I am mourning our marriage because we had a great one. 
It is so hard to look at him in the same way or with any respect considering that he didn't love or respect me or our marriage vows " Forsaking all others till Death do Us part".

I really feel broken and damaged inside and out.
I have started the 180 and truly, it is working! The less attention I show him, the harder he tries to get my attention and affection.

I will update everyone on the hunt for my counselor. 
I feel like if purge myself of all that has happened, I will just in general feel better and less stressed. 

Again Aine, thank you for helping me!!

Thank you all for listening and giving great advice!!



aine said:


> Alywhite, I can hear the pain in your mail, this is a normal part of betrayal. He has betrayed you and it hurts, but time will heal this. However, it has to be on your terms. You are right to take care of yourself now, go and get that IC, do things for yourself, take care of your health, pamper yourself, love yourself. Be mindful everyday of how you are. Take the focus of him and of the marriage, you can put both aside for now. That is why doing the 180 will help you to detach so you can work on yourself. You do not have to play games with him but do not engage with him on anything emotional, or the marriage.
> You need the space, time to step back and see where you are, to leave the emotional turmoil aside for now and work on you alone. You will be much stronger to deal with whatever comes your way and even be prepared to walk away if neccessary. When emotions are raw, that is not the best time to make any decisions, you are doing the right thing, mourne the old marriage if you need to. If you stay a new marriage has to
> 
> 
> ...


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

turnera2 said:


> Are you losing your hair from stress?


Yes, I believe it is because it started when I found out everything. I have a very thin spot in the crown and it is harder and harder to cover it. 

I am taking hair, skin and nail vitamins. I have been taking them since I noticed my hair coming out. I just wish I could totally shut my emotions off.



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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alywhite77 said:


> This has really opened my eyes. I am thinking long and hard about everything that has happened. We've had a lot of great years and we never did fight. That is why I am so confused as to why he feels like he has to go, and start this all over again.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


Maybe you have to accept that this behavior is a part of his nature. He is not going to get it. He really doesn't care like he should. You said in his original post that this is out of character for him but you need to accept that this IS his character.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Ma'am, they're ain't a southern girl that ever lived that couldn't do better than a yankee.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a yankee, born in NJ ... NEW JERSEY! :surprise: Read my posts, I am as hard as they come on cheaters. Where you were born has nothing to do with it.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Please don't think I'm heartless but given the state of your health you need him to help out at home with your kids and keep the family budget balanced. That is the ONLY reason to keep the marriage. Doing the 180 or disengaging is a GOOD and NECESSARY move for you. The counselor will stop you losing your mind and help keep you courageous and strong. 

I am just being practical and have been married over 25 years so experienced good and bad times in my marriage.

If you won the lottery and had home help for you and the kids I would help you push him out the door.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> I'm a yankee, born in NJ ... NEW JERSEY! :surprise: Read my posts, I am as hard as they come on cheaters. Where you were born has nothing to do with it.


Hi sokillme,
I didn't mean any disrespect at all, I just said we were going up north and stated he was a yankee and I wanted to "yankee a knot in his tail". 
Just a play on words was all. 

I am glad that you are hard in cheaters, they don't realize how much damage they do to a persons self esteem and feelings of self worth. They damage and destruct and destroy people and marriages.

They leave in their path nothing but hurt, heart break, and broken people who end up being a shell of their former happy selves. 

They are careless with the love that has been entrusted to them, they care only about them selves!

I honestly did not mean to offend you, please accept my apologies.

Thank you!


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

btterflykisses said:


> Please don't think I'm heartless but given the state of your health you need him to help out at home with your kids and keep the family budget balanced. That is the ONLY reason to keep the marriage. Doing the 180 or disengaging is a GOOD and NECESSARY move for you. The counselor will stop you losing your mind and help keep you courageous and strong.
> 
> I am just being practical and have been married over 25 years so experienced good and bad times in my marriage.
> 
> If you won the lottery and had home help for you and the kids I would help you push him out the door.


My youngest daughter is almost 18, so I really only need help with chores and cleaning.

If I won the lottery, I would buy a house take my youngest daughter and move to my oldest daughters town. If I won the lottery, I would be able to leave and file for separation and divorce and not look back. 

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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

alywhite77 said:


> My youngest daughter is almost 18, so I really only need help with chores and cleaning.
> 
> If I won the lottery, I would buy a house take my youngest daughter and move to my oldest daughters town. If I won the lottery, I would be able to leave and file for separation and divorce and not look back.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk




All boils down to money. Yuck.
It's a shame that for so many of us money dictated whether we can leave an unhappy situation or not.


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## mist42 (Jul 6, 2016)

He lied his arse off and you put up with it. Travel back to parents etc while you'll still sick when you put up with so much, .... no that doesn't work. 
If he didn't try to gaslight you...twice (about the condoms)...
I understand that a partner who has to play caregiver role and isn't prepared for it, can slip - but lie after lie - setting up trip after trip, nah.

there's that wedding thing "for better or worse". Sometimes it's for worse and unless you were doing something despicable then IMO it's valid to hold him to his oath.

re: the upbringing. yeah. Really don't want to bring his mum into your relationship. Remember they might not have taught him to cheat but he did so, and lied and lied and lied, and kept dirty secrets. And also, and I think this *is* important regarding young men (and many young women) the church _doesn't_ teach them how to care for others. All the caring is handed off by proxy to someone else, just like Sunday Christians and their "forgiveness". Caring is down by nurses, or counsellors, or soup kitchens, or pastors; basically "other people". Everyone goes to church and gets the warm fuzzies for "caring" and being "compassionate" etc but more often than not it's not the congregation doing the practice (and getting the skills). I know people in St John (the ambulance and first aid guys) who are some of the coldest folk I know, yet their motto is "first to care" but all the "care" seems to be delegated to someone else. Same as doctors who seldom realize how horrible their hospitals are until they themselves get badly injured or ill. Few people can handle people who need domestic care (and fyi, I'm hopeless at it too).


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## mist42 (Jul 6, 2016)

alywhite77 said:


> My youngest daughter is almost 18, so I really only need help with chores and cleaning.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk



Ask around (look up the public services in the phone books or citizens advice bureau). In many towns there are organisations which have people that do provide those services and are funded by government or churches.
Make sure that you do get the interview because often they take the first call lightly as they do have tight budgets. But genuine cases do get help whether it's occasional lawns or washing/housekeeping.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alywhite77 said:


> Yes, I believe it is because it started when I found out everything. I have a very thin spot in the crown and it is harder and harder to cover it.
> 
> I am taking hair, skin and nail vitamins. I have been taking them since I noticed my hair coming out. I just wish I could totally shut my emotions off.
> 
> ...


Ask your doctor for some anti-anxiety meds for a few months; that might help.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

mist42 said:


> Ask around (look up the public services in the phone books or citizens advice bureau). In many towns there are organisations which have people that do provide those services and are funded by government or churches.
> Make sure that you do get the interview because often they take the first call lightly as they do have tight budgets. But genuine cases do get help whether it's occasional lawns or washing/housekeeping.


United Way is a great place to start. They can point you to other places, too.

Oh, and I meant to say, about your original question, your best response is "I can't control you. If you want to go where she is, go right ahead. You'll come back to an empty house and divorce papers."

btw, were you are SAHM? If so, it's possible the courts might award you some alimony. And if nothing else, you'll have to divide everything up and you'll have half of the value. See if you can find a lawyer who'll give a cheap first meeting. Mine only charged $50.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alywhite77 said:


> Hi sokillme,
> I didn't mean any disrespect at all, I just said we were going up north and stated he was a yankee and I wanted to "yankee a knot in his tail".
> Just a play on words was all.
> 
> ...


Wasn't offended just kidding around.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alywhite77 said:


> My youngest daughter is almost 18, so I really only need help with chores and cleaning.
> 
> If I won the lottery, I would buy a house take my youngest daughter and move to my oldest daughters town. If I won the lottery, I would be able to leave and file for separation and divorce and not look back.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk


So your youngest is 18, maybe it is time to look at getting yourself a career where you can be self sufficient. Nothing is keeping you from getting training so you can make more money right.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Maybe you have to accept that this behavior is a part of his nature. He is not going to get it. He really doesn't care like he should. You said in his original post that this is out of character for him but you need to accept that this IS his character.


Very much this.

I've come to the conclusion after reading some threads here, that maybe people just don't know their spouses as well as they thought, or the spouse was a narcissist all along, and narcissists are good at fooling people. Even those closest to them. Sorry you are here, praying for you to stay strong. And do what's best for you.


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

citygirl4344 said:


> All boils down to money. Yuck.
> It's a shame that for so many of us money dictated whether we can leave an unhappy situation or not.


This is so true!


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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

mist42 said:


> He lied his arse off and you put up with it. Travel back to parents etc while you'll still sick when you put up with so much, .... no that doesn't work.
> If he didn't try to gaslight you...twice (about the condoms)...
> I understand that a partner who has to play caregiver role and isn't prepared for it, can slip - but lie after lie - setting up trip after trip, nah.
> 
> ...


This is true!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

mist42 said:


> Ask around (look up the public services in the phone books or citizens advice bureau). In many towns there are organisations which have people that do provide those services and are funded by government or churches.
> Make sure that you do get the interview because often they take the first call lightly as they do have tight budgets. But genuine cases do get help whether it's occasional lawns or washing/housekeeping.


Thank you so much!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Wasn't offended just kidding around.


 you are a gem!!

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## alywhite77 (Jun 27, 2016)

sokillme said:


> So your youngest is 18, maybe it is time to look at getting yourself a career where you can be self sufficient. Nothing is keeping you from getting training so you can make more money right.


I am in public safety. I love my job and there is never a dull moment, and never the same. I love my job and have been doing it since the early 1990's. 

I have considered working on a Computer Forensic degree, since I found the mountain of information on our home computer and on his cell phone.

I have thought a lot about this and I want to use my skills to help other BS's find proof and information of their WS's affairs and and indiscretions on-line, so they can have concrete proof when they confront the WS. 

After I became a victim of a WS I have wanted to help others at a low cost in case they are are bound to a loveless marriage by money issues.



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