# Was it only a kiss? Over 20 years ago?



## jon.hudson.rst (5 mo ago)

Hi people,

I met my now wife 24 years ago, she was 19 and I 20. 3 years into our relationship which I thought was great I found out on holiday that she had kissed another guy, who was a friend of my family. It was a complete shock and was only told because the friends we were with started to argue and this secret was shared in the heat of it. 
I couldn't believe it, and I obviously asked for the details. I never felt angry, it was so overwhelming I felt numb?
She told me that he knew who she was and they got talking on a night out and ended up kissing and touching. She took his phone number too. She went out the week after to hopefully find him out again, and she did. She also phoned him and they decided it was a bad idea to take it further. 
This is what I was told then, and I believed it all. I love her?
6 years later we were married and I had thought little about it, but now there a few things that don't seem right, I guess this has built up over the years.

The first thing is that she has a brother in law that she had a relationship with before me, and one night she stayed over at his house, apparently his girlfriend was there so there was nothing to worry about, now I really question this as I never really knew and it was around the time kissed to this other guy?

The second was we did bump into the other guy in a club one night, he tried to shake my hand, I didn't and asked him why it happened, he said he didn't know who she was? So I called he over and asked who was lying, I obviously knew it was him. He then squared up to me and started to laugh in my face, so I pushed him away and he rushed me. I hit him and we were pulled apart. Now if it was just a kiss I now think this reaction seemed a bit over the top from him.

Third, I have tried to talk about more recently, because i was getting depressed with the questions, and she would tell me she can't remember as it was too long ago, and she was drunk. But she now says she never called him, and there was no groping, which she told me there was initially. I don't think you forget these things, so I worry now that she isn't sure of what it is she has told me? 

Fourth, she says she did it because I didn't want to get married, and I wasn't as loving as I was. I remember at that time I was working 6-7 day weeks because we were saving for a house together, so assume it was due to that? I fear that she may have been out looking for people to show her the interest that fades in relationships, if this happens with one person and she didn't tell me, who don't I know about. 

The last thing is I that I now worry there were other instances, and she flat out denies this, and I got a bit frustrated one night and asked if she was willing to swear on our daughters life to that. She wouldn't but said it's a silly thing to do. 

She is a good person, but I worry now that I had based our life and marriage on something I look new only little about. 

I can't talk to anyone, even she shuts
down. My family still talk to the other guy so I have never felt about to bring it up with them. 

Am I being over the top, how can I move on from this? I feel quite foolish now I look back


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Where there's smoke .....


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re passed about something that happened 6 years before you were married? You’ve been together 30 years after this? She was 22 at the time?


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> Hi people,
> 
> I met my now wife 24 years ago, she was 19 and I 20. 3 years into our relationship which I thought was great I found out on holiday that she had kissed another guy, who was a friend of my family. It was a complete shock and was only told because the friends we were with started to argue and this secret was shared in the heat of it.
> I couldn't believe it, and I obviously asked for the details. I never felt angry, it was so overwhelming I felt numb?
> ...


Your wife certainly knows what happened but she is NOT willing to tell you. 

1. Why did you rugsweep this matter for so long?

2. Why did you marry this woman?

3. Have you told her that you find her LIES unacceptable and this is NOT good for your marriage?

4. Are you willing to file for divorce?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

My math was different.

Met 24 years ago.

3 years later she had wild monkey sex with a ‘friend’. So 21 years ago.

6 years later they married.

So 15 years married.

OP you believed the lie and married her. What about _now_, how are things aside from you having buyers remorse?


Will you leave her if she confesses the truth? What’s your plan? What do you hope to achieve? What will you accept?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The real question is why are you suddenly all bonkers about something that happened 20 years ago? From what you described, yeah they likely had sex and most definitely the guy she spent the night with. 

Has she started to show some signs of infidelity as of late? Is that why you’re here?

It’s a little late crying over this spilled milk. Even if it’s spoiled rotten, stinky spilled milk.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

snowbum said:


> You’re passed about something that happened 6 years before you were married? You’ve been together 30 years after this? She was 22 at the time?


I agree with this post. That you are bringing up something from so long ago, that happened before marriage, after all this time together, makes me wonder if you’re not looking for a way out. When did you run into this guy at a club? Was that recent? How is everything else? 25 years, are your kids grown? Are you sure there isn’t something else that’s bugging you? I ask because it seems odd that one instance from so long ago would be bothering you now. 

FWIW, I don’t think that kissing a guy 6 years before you married means she’s been cheating this whole time. I hope you realize a lot of people here have been cheated on and see cheaters in every story. Is it possible? Anything is possible but surely you’d have noticed something over the years. If everything else is fine in your marriage and it’s just this, that seems like a bit of a stretch. Maybe there’s something else that’s up with her and you’re fixating on this? Just putting other possibilities out there.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why is this so much on your mind now? Has your wife been recently acting unfaithful?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Just make sure you are not using this an an excuse to test the waters because you are hitting middle age.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Adults who meet up illicitly don't kiss, they have sex. PERIOD. I'm sure you knew it back then too, but you rug-swept. What has been added below that rug recently that makes it no longer conceal the size and stench of what's beneath it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

She very likely had sex with that guy. But you knew that but just suppressed those feelings. With her hookup happening 20 years ago and way before you were married, I have to wonder, what is triggering this renewed concern? Is there something going on now that is getting your spider senses going, which is triggering you think on that time?


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## 40YOL (Nov 20, 2015)

It sounds like this has been festering in your subconscious for some time and has recently come to the surface. Asking her to swear on your daughter's life truly is a silly thing and it would really prove nothing. She could lie or tell you the truth and you would never know which she was doing. I suggest that a polygraph would give you a more reliable result. For probably less than $1,000 you you could ask about that episode and whether there were any others during the time you have been together. Seems a small price for peace of mind. Just suggesting...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Just make sure you are not using this an an excuse to test the waters because you are hitting middle age.


Exactly what I was thinking.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Is there other things wrong in your relationship , that this is been made into a big deal now after 20 years , I am not buying into the he said she said crap , that is stuff for the school play ground , 

Unless you have other things that are not good then you would be right to think about this but if not and you have a loving relationship and this came out of the blue then let the past in the past , if she has not given you reason to think she is playing around or other in the last 20 years it is time to start laughing about how silly this was , 

we have people that are in good relationships with 35 years or more and they can recall that at sometime very early on their gf had sex with her first bf and they survived that , 

now she was 3 years with you at the time she went away on a trip , she was out one night and fooled around with a guy that is known to you and your family, she kissed him and hands explored a little , she liked him a bit a week later they met up again and to me he might have tried something on again thinking she was into him and she kicked him back, end of story , now why she does not want to tell you the story is because she knows you and you will blow this up into something it was not and she has from that night built a life and made a child with you and knows to well that you could feck up the life of you child over what was only a kiss back in a time she was having a moment of thinking about how much she was to you , 

BEST to let this go and think about how good things are and look at the family that you have made , the other testosterone junky lost out on the woman you made 20 years of sharing with , 

WHO IS THE WINNER who lost out ?
Are the last 21 years worth flushing away like you pull the toilet string


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> BEST to let this go and think about how good things are and look at the family that you have made , the other testosterone junky lost out on the woman you made 20 years of sharing with ,
> 
> WHO IS THE WINNER who lost out ?
> Are the last 21 years worth flushing away like you pull the toilet string


When will people learn? A house that has it's foundations built in detritus will eventually slip and crack, so would a marriage built on lies.

@jon.hudson.rst , only you can do the cost / benefit analysis between further rug-sweeping or knowing the truth and then what actions to take as a result.

You wouldn't have posted here if you were okay with the status-quo. I guess having her write down what happened between herself and this man and following that up with a polygraph to confirm is in fact a viable option.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@jon.hudson.rst

You did not answer my questions. Are you simply venting here?

Let me tell you WHAT is SILLY. You tried to pick a fight with the other man (OM) in a club. Refusing to shake his hand was fine. Telling him to mind his own business would have been fine. But what were you hoping to achieve with a fight? Your anger was absolutely misdirected.

You should be focused on your wife instead. The problem is that your marriage is built on questionable foundations. Your (now) wife most likely had an affair with him back in the days and gaslighted you when you found out. You decided to rugsweep this matter on the other hand. Now your feelings have caught up to you, and the wound have reopened?

Your wife will not tell you unless you are willing to introduce 'consequences' for her. You can start on a smaller level by refusing to sleep with her and wait for her to come clean.

But before you do it, you must be willing to rock the boat and/or leave it. You need to show strength in the face of her gaslighting.

@frenchpaddy

I do not think this woman is a catch and the OM lost. This is rugsweeping rationale. He scored for free, and this was it. Truth hurts, bro.

A woman is a catch when she has 'principles' and live by them. She will not allow men to score with her. She will not cheat. She will be legitimate relationship material. Whether your paths will cross with this type of woman (or not), is due to your sheer luck. Mine did.

A marriage should be built on honesty and mutual acceptance for it to be a fulfilling experience.

A marriage should not be built on lies and deception. This problem will come to light at some point and cause problems in a seemingly fulfilling marriage. But men are typically told to let it go.


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## jon.hudson.rst (5 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> Is there other things wrong in your relationship , that this is been made into a big deal now after 20 years , I am not buying into the he said she said crap , that is stuff for the school play ground ,
> 
> Unless you have other things that are not good then you would be right to think about this but if not and you have a loving relationship and this came out of the blue then let the past in the past , if she has not given you reason to think she is playing around or other in the last 20 years it is time to start laughing about how silly this was ,
> 
> ...


Thanks for this, you put some perspective where I needed it. I never blow up, I have always kept calm. I haven't mentioned that she has recently approached me as she was suspicious that I was cheating, and it's made me think alot about what I have given in this relationship. I have never cheated, I find other people attractive and have been in positions that could easily have lead to something but have never, even a kiss. Because I love her and I'm really not interested in anyone else. Over the years I have known alot of people and seen alot in many relationships, and can't believe what people get up to behind partners backs. For her to think I am up to something is so confusing to me, and that is maybe the main reason I am going over this again


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Cheaters often (extremely often) accuse their partner of cheating. Do some checking on your phone bill.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Your wife certainly knows what happened but she is NOT willing to tell you.
> 
> 1. Why did you rugsweep this matter for so long?
> 
> ...


I think that, for me when I was younger and really into someone, I would force myself to look past something-- believe the minimized version, in order to stay with her. Believing she didn't sleep with him and it was no big deal. This is looking back at my younger self. (yes, total 'nice guy' stuff). So, this is not my story, but if it had been, now, being grown and knowing things like boundaries and red flags, etc.....yeah I would be having same issues OP has. I allowed myself to be hood-winked but I should be able to ask for the truth.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

My wife and I have been married for 34 years, we are in our 60s now.
When we met she told me she`d never had a boyfriend and was a virgin.
For some years I have been scanning photos from my albums and putting them on my computer.
About a year ago I found a few strange photos of my wife while digitally enhancing them on my computer, looking at the photos full size on my 24in monitor, first time I ever looked at them in detail.
It appears she`s wearing an engagement ring with either a promise ring or wedding ring, I also discovered more recently. there is more to this and I will create a thread about this soon.
Showed some family and friends just a photo of my wife`s hand wearing the rings, not telling them it`s my wife and asked them what type of rings do they think these are? And all came to the same conclusion as me.
I did call my wife out on this and she gaslights me as I`m the crazy one imagining things.
When I`ve told people I get the standard response, it was a long time ago so why does this bother me?
That`s not the point. I`ve never kept or keep secrets from her and now I just don`t feel as close and connected to my wife as I used to be.
I can tell the OP, his wife will behave in exactly the same way, and it`s caught between a rock and a hard place, he either accepts or he doesn`t, but it certainly does affect the marital relationship, knowing your wife has her own secrets, which makes me think, what else has my wife been hiding from me throughout our marriage.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Before married? no biggie


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Before married? no biggie


The cement the high-rise was built with was mostly dog-crap and the rebar was rusted, no biggie? It wasn't a building yet after all.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> The cement the high-rise was built with was mostly dog-crap, no biggie?


N


Dictum Veritas said:


> The cement the high-rise was built with was mostly dog-crap, no biggie?


correct.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@jon.hudson.rst 

Please DO NOT listen to people who says things happened before marriage and you need to get over it. 

your wife cheated back then with both people, and if she cheated then there is nothing to stop to cheat or continue to cheat now. 

now it is up to you what you need to do - 

what is your answer to cheating? will you stay in marriage or leave? 

not only that, the guy she slept with stayed around your family some way and she still didn't even try to not let you meet. 

I bet her family and friends knew about it

she made the decision back then to cheat and rob you from making a decision by covering her tracks and marrying you. 

it is your decision now


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## jon.hudson.rst (5 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> @jon.hudson.rst
> 
> You did not answer my questions. Are you simply venting here?
> 
> ...


I didn't pick a fight with this guy, he squared up to me, and the. Rushed at me. I was simply asking him why he did what he did knowing she was with me. I only hit him because he tried to hit me when he rushed at me. This reaction doesn't make sense.


blackclover3 said:


> @jon.hudson.rst
> 
> Please DO NOT listen to people who says things happened before marriage and you need to get over it.
> 
> ...





gameopoly5 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 34 years, we are in our 60s now.
> When we met she told me she`d never had a boyfriend and was a virgin.
> For some years I have been scanning photos from my albums and putting them on my computer.
> About a year ago I found a few strange photos of my wife while digitally enhancing them on my computer, looking at the photos full size on my 24in monitor, first time I ever looked at them in detail.
> ...


Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it must me hard to take in what you have found out. The scary thing for me is that I have remained so faithful and trusting, if I do find I was lied to how can I trust anyone. I know she loves me, and I love her, but trust has go before love? Otherwise what is love?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@jon.hudson.rst
she can love all day and night. she also loved the other man's ****. now it is up to you what is acceptable
she stepped all over you sleep with other guys

the fact she is holding back and not helping you with the information tells you everything. no need for you to investigate.

what will you do now? are you ok with her cheating or will you divorce

and also DNA your kids


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> Thanks for this, you put some perspective where I needed it. I never blow up, I have always kept calm. I haven't mentioned that she has recently approached me as she was suspicious that I was cheating, and it's made me think alot about what I have given in this relationship. I have never cheated, I find other people attractive and have been in positions that could easily have lead to something but have never, even a kiss. Because I love her and I'm really not interested in anyone else. Over the years I have known alot of people and seen alot in many relationships, and can't believe what people get up to behind partners backs. For her to think I am up to something is so confusing to me, and that is maybe the main reason I am going over this again


A lot of cheaters accuse their partners of cheating because they know what they are capable of doing.

I believe you have good reasons to think she could have cheated over the years.

The first time you know about, she screwed his brains out.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> I didn't pick a fight with this guy, he squared up to me, and the. Rushed at me. I was simply asking him why he did what he did knowing she was with me. I only hit him because he tried to hit me when he rushed at me. This reaction doesn't make sense.
> 
> 
> Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it must me hard to take in what you have found out. The scary thing for me is that I have remained so faithful and trusting, if I do find I was lied to how can I trust anyone. I know she loves me, and I love her, but trust has go before love? Otherwise what is love?


Not true.

You only believe your wife loves you the same way you love her.

How could she when she hooked up with a guy because you were working to make money to buy a house for her?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

She is not a good person. Good people don’t cheat on their partner.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

uwe.blab said:


> I think that, for me when I was younger and really into someone, I would force myself to look past something-- believe the minimized version, in order to stay with her. Believing she didn't sleep with him and it was no big deal. This is looking back at my younger self. (yes, total 'nice guy' stuff). So, this is not my story, but if it had been, now, being grown and knowing things like boundaries and red flags, etc.....yeah I would be having same issues OP has. I allowed myself to be hood-winked but I should be able to ask for the truth.


I went through something very similar with my wife right at the start of our relationship. I too rugswept it and I can tell you that now almost 40 years later, there is not a day that I do not think of it and our relationship has really suffered. You need to get to the truth as not knowing is a killer (or rather her not admitting it is a killer). She needs to understand the consequences of not telling you the truth even after all this time. For your own well being as well as that of the "marriage". And of course she remembers everything so do not fall for "it was so long ago, I do not remember". 
My wife and a friend of hers, (another wayward who would cheat on her husband at the drop of a hat) went to Spain on holiday while I was just recovering from the death of my father and going through exams for my final year in university. When she came back she was in tears (of guilt) but would not tell me why saying that she missed me. She did out her friend though when I continued asking as having hooked up with a French guy, She made the mistake of telling me that the French guy had a friend who was interested in my (then) fiancee and that she had turned him down. When her friend (later) found out that she had told me about her fling (I knew her friend's husband reasonably well), she retaliated with "did she tell you what she did with the French guy's friend?" And that is how I found out. When I confronted my wife, she first said it was a lie, then went on to "I was angry with you about something or the other", to it was only a kiss, to "well we got naked in bed but nothing happened" (which is how she knew what his irregular shaped penis looked like (question prompted by her cheating friend to help me get the truth) to she thought I was cheating to "none of this happened - I was just trying to make you jealous". 

So trust me this will kill you if you do not get to the bottom of it - even if you decide to stay like I did. We sleep in different bedrooms and I have not had sex with her in a long time. So big mistake no 2 - staying! The children did appreciate it.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> Thanks for this, you put some perspective where I needed it. I never blow up, I have always kept calm. I haven't mentioned that she has recently approached me as she was suspicious that I was cheating, and it's made me think alot about what I have given in this relationship. I have never cheated, I find other people attractive and have been in positions that could easily have lead to something but have never, even a kiss. Because I love her and I'm really not interested in anyone else. Over the years I have known alot of people and seen alot in many relationships, and can't believe what people get up to behind partners backs. For her to think I am up to something is so confusing to me, and that is maybe the main reason I am going over this again


Could be she is cheating now and projecting it on you. I would have to look at her dead serious and say, "No, I'm not a cheater like you"


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> I didn't pick a fight with this guy, he squared up to me, and the. Rushed at me. I was simply asking him why he did what he did knowing she was with me. I only hit him because he tried to hit me when he rushed at me. This reaction doesn't make sense.
> 
> 
> Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it must me hard to take in what you have found out. The scary thing for me is that I have remained so faithful and trusting, if I do find I was lied to how can I trust anyone. I know she loves me, and I love her, but trust has go before love? Otherwise what is love?


When she accuses you of cheating, tell her you are going to book 2 polys so y'all can see who is being truthful here.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Some folks believe that the passage of time mitigates this to the point that you let it go. However, it is bothering you and I would think the fact that she is CURRENTLY lying about her ability to recollect plays a big part in this.
No one of normal,or even marginal intelligence would fail to remember something like this with a fair bit of specificity. She previously disclosed some details but is now denying having done so. THIS IS CLASSIC GASLIGHTIN and it is extremely abusive and insulting.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Typically gas lighting regarding things that happened long ago follows a pattern that's continuing today. In other words, people don't suddenly gaslight late into a relationship; it's been part of their character all along. Similarly, they don't gaslight early on and then stop. Leopards don't typically change their spots.

So I'd ask, is there other behavior that is in line with a generally dishonest person? Does the OP feel like there have been other issues over the years, other denials of agency? Because so far, in the few entries he's given, I don't see a lot of evidence that his wife has treated him badly or held other things back from him. He doesn't mention suspicion of cheating during the marriage, near as I can read.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

gameopoly5 said:


> My wife and I have been married for 34 years, we are in our 60s now.
> When we met she told me she`d never had a boyfriend and was a virgin.
> For some years I have been scanning photos from my albums and putting them on my computer.
> About a year ago I found a few strange photos of my wife while digitally enhancing them on my computer, looking at the photos full size on my 24in monitor, first time I ever looked at them in detail.
> ...


I want to know more , now I am thinking how did she do away with the first husband , 
This is like a story out of the movie , but your living the real thing , 
I know once women had to spin the story "I am a virgin " SOME WERE SO GOOD AT IT THEY convinced themselves they were , even to the guy they had slept with a few times , but it takes hiding to hide a marriage, 
there has to be proof of it some where , 
I would pay a PI if I was you


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> I didn't pick a fight with this guy, he squared up to me, and the. Rushed at me. I was simply asking him why he did what he did knowing she was with me. I only hit him because he tried to hit me when he rushed at me. This reaction doesn't make sense


from your response to my post WHERE you said your wife thinks you are or have cheated , we see this a lot , I am sorry to give you a very short response but I have a meeting to go to 

We get this very often where a husband in your case is wrongfully accused of cheating , mostly by a cheater , 

Now I am going to use your words " This reaction doesn't make sense" 
think about it Jack , does it make sense , because what it looks like to me is 
she is the one cheating and you have punched the guy she is cheating with , I hope you gave him a good one it might be the last one you get for free ,


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

jon.hudson.rst said:


> Hi people,
> 
> I met my now wife 24 years ago, she was 19 and I 20. 3 years into our relationship which I thought was great I found out on holiday that she had kissed another guy, who was a friend of my family. It was a complete shock and was only told because the friends we were with started to argue and this secret was shared in the heat of it.
> I couldn't believe it, and I obviously asked for the details. I never felt angry, it was so overwhelming I felt numb?
> ...


Whoa.......danger....she is blameshifting and lying.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Make her take a poly... not sure if it works, but I bet something comes out of the process.

Be sure to arrive early and sit in the parking lot with her for 30 mins or so... that is where the confessions happen...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My marriage time frame is about the same as yours. I met my wife very early but we didn’t start dating heavy until about 17. At about that same time I had a little thing with another girl I had known for a while. We played around one night but honestly I can’t remember all what we did that night and I wasn’t even drinking. That was sssooooo long ago! Your wife doesn’t have to be some mean evil cheating master plan man hater to tell you she doesn’t remember. Just like my situation that was all before marriage and early dating stuff. It’s what humans do …. Even if they don’t remember.

There is no conspiracy except in your own mind.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

re16 said:


> Make her take a poly... not sure if it works, but I bet something comes out of the process.
> 
> Be sure to arrive early and sit in the parking lot with her for 30 mins or so... that is where the confessions happen...


We keep hearing that, about the parking lot confessions, but is there empirical evidence to back it up? It’s become conventional wisdom perhaps just because it’s repeated so often.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> My marriage time frame is about the same as yours. I met my wife very early but we didn’t start dating heavy until about 17. At about that same time I had a little thing with another girl I had known for a while. We played around one night but honestly I can’t remember all what we did that night and I wasn’t even drinking. That was sssooooo long ago! Your wife doesn’t have to be some mean evil cheating master plan man hater to tell you she doesn’t remember. Just like my situation that was all before marriage and early dating stuff. It’s what humans do …. Even if they don’t remember.
> 
> There is no conspiracy except in your own mind.


There may not be a "conspiracy" today because said person's memory has lost details of the past. But whatever might have been said or claimed way back when, when the memory was fresh, remains an issue. There is not a statute of limitations on the damage done by past lies & omissions. But that might not be relevant here. I don't know what claims she made way back when, if any. I don't know if she intentionally misled OP. It doesn't sound like it to me; it just sounds like she was doing her thing for a while and he had no expectations of her behavior at that time. They didn't have a relationship with boundaries that had been violated.

Later he says-

*She is a good person, but I worry now that I had based our life and marriage on something I look new only little about. *

If you learn something scary about your partner's past, but it isn't affecting things now, or hasn't even in the past, *and *there were no attempts by your partner to lie or deceive, I can see an argument for retroactive jealousy maybe, but that's on OP, something he has to work on. Even if you're a plan B, sure, finding out might not be a fun thing, but in a lot of cases, Plan B turns out to be the best. Plan A might have had serious flaws and would never have resulted in a good marriage. It's OK to be Plan B if there's no dishonesty involved, no gas lighting, no deception. 

Having said all that, if she realized that things would have gone south with OP had she revealed her past, then she was recognizing a character flaw that should have been a red flag, and denying OP agency. But again this requires intent on her part to do so.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@jon.hudson.rst I concur that a polygraph might be worth considering.


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## Trdd (Jan 11, 2022)

Here's my take.

1) she was on holiday as a young woman and met a guy who hit on her. Of course this type of thing happens all the time.

2) You were not married, she decided to kiss the guy. She was flattered by him. She saw him once again during that trip but decided she wanted you not him. She messed up. But being flattered by flirting and kissing someone is something many unmarried people may have done. But she chose you. She did not get obsessed with this guy. She did not seem to consider dumping you for him etc.

3) people say when adults meet up clandestinely for an affair they have sex. I agree. However, I do not think we can definitvely say that is the case here. Why? It was not the typical affair from a married woman, it was a young woman getting hit on during a holiday trip. Not really clandestine. Most young women do not jump into bed with a guy on the first date, nor the second. If your wife did not have sex with you right away then I doubt she did with this guy either. Alternatively, if she was always the type to jump straight to sex then, well, she may have done it with this guy too.

4) if your marriage has no signs of current infidelity, I would let it go. You've built a life together. She is committed to you. If she has proven that, don't obsess about what else may have happened.

I have a somewhat similar story with my wife. It was earlier in our dating relationship than yours and the circumstances were not the same but similar enough. I almost ended our relationship at the time. One difference was she told me what happened right away. Although I stewed on this for weeks at the time, once I made the decision I kind of rugswept it with her and it came back as an issue for me many years later when moving back home. So I get why it still bothers you. But she and I have had a great marriage and it was a great decision to marry her. That was a small blip in the road and our commitment is clear from all the years we've been together. I am guessing your situation is the same.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Jon, unfortunately, with infidelity, the chapter dedicated to lying and deceiving is VERY thick. What you are told, 99.99% of time is only the tip of the iceberg. There is a VERY good chance she had sex with him, probably more than once. What you have to know is if it was unprotected or not. As far as I see it, if the sex is unprotected it means she/he is trying to get the other person pregnant, therefore forcing the person out of the relationship (cheater logic they call it). If it was protected then I'd give her a chance. Main issue is that now she is going to say what you want to hear so you'll never get to know the truth. It sucks, I know.

I see many young men/women letting their partner go on vacation or nights out with their friends all the time and I always tell them NOT to. There is nothing good that can happen to a person in a committed relationship in a boozed up club environment, alone. If anything, if you're looking to cement a strong relationship early on, set strong boundaries, no-go zones and enforce them. Someone has to stop this "girls/boys night out" horse **** once and for all. We ALL know it's a cheating cesspool. We all know men and women will drop their panties/underwear given the opportunity. Don't know why NO ONE speaks up.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

Trdd said:


> 1) she was on holiday as a young woman and met a guy who hit on her. Of course this type of thing happens all the time.


Yes, she was young, but also in a committed relationship. She did have the choice to say "no," and didn't. That says a lot.



> 2) You were not married, she decided to kiss the guy. She was flattered by him. She saw him once again during that trip but decided she wanted you not him. She messed up. But being flattered by flirting and kissing someone is something many unmarried people may have done. But she chose you. She did not get obsessed with this guy. She did not seem to consider dumping you for him etc.


This is an ode to cheater/swinger logic. She made out with the guy but chose you. AS IF that is going to make the man feel any better.



> 3) people say when adults meet up clandestinely for an affair they have sex. I agree. However, I do not think we can definitvely say that is the case here. Why? It was not the typical affair from a married woman, it was a young woman getting hit on during a holiday trip. Not really clandestine. Most young women do not jump into bed with a guy on the first date, nor the second. If your wife did not have sex with you right away then I doubt she did with this guy either. Alternatively, if she was always the type to jump straight to sex then, well, she may have done it with this guy too.


I disagree. The fact that she took his number means feelings were exchanged. And that they sought and reached a quick end to the fling means there was more than kissing. You don't put an end to something when only kissing was involved. They probably had unprotected sex and he agreed on not continuing the relationship as soon as he found out she was on the pill. 



> 4) if your marriage has no signs of current infidelity, I would let it go. You've built a life together. She is committed to you. If she has proven that, don't obsess about what else may have happened.


That's a bit of a case of the _sword_ of _Damocles._ Jon just found out his wife is two drinks away from dropping her pants to ANYONE. Not a nice thing to know. Especially when she goes out on "girls only" outings.



> I have a somewhat similar story with my wife. It was earlier in our dating relationship than yours and the circumstances were not the same but similar enough. I almost ended our relationship at the time. One difference was she told me what happened right away. Although I stewed on this for weeks at the time, once I made the decision I kind of rugswept it with her and it came back as an issue for me many years later when moving back home. So I get why it still bothers you. But she and I have had a great marriage and it was a great decision to marry her. That was a small blip in the road and our commitment is clear from all the years we've been together. I am guessing your situation is the same.


You were lucky in the sense that you married a rare specimen. Once you let a cheater know there are no consequences to their misbehavior, they tend to repeat the behavior ("once a cheater, always a cheater"). Your comment is AWFUL advise if you ask me. That you decided to let her escape unscathed does no one any service, especially you. These behaviors have to be stopped. PERIOD.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

“And if you can't be with the one you love, honey. Love the one you're with” - Stephen Stills


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Trdd said:


> Here's my take.
> 
> 1) she was on holiday as a young woman and met a guy who hit on her. Of course this type of thing happens all the time.
> 
> ...


I do think OP has a right to be concerned if the two of them were in an exclusive relationship. I don't think it is uncommon for a couple of young and unmarried people to meet by chance in a pub and kiss, but that should not dismiss the boyfriend/girlfriend who are not present and completely unknowing of the situation. I mean, at the very least it might give OP an idea of how much respect she had for him at the time.....


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> I do think OP has a right to be concerned if the two of them were in an exclusive relationship. I don't think it is uncommon for a couple of young and unmarried people to meet by chance in a pub and kiss, but that should not dismiss the boyfriend/girlfriend who are not present and completely unknowing of the situation. I mean, at the very least it might give OP an idea of how much respect she had for him at the time.....


it was so long ago


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> it was so long ago


There is no statute of limitation on betrayal especially on matters of the heart. It just means the BS was made a fool of day after day for a longer time. It's not a mitigating fact, if anything the length of the lie by omission is a daily indictment, compounded by each day the BS had to live the lie bereft of his agency.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> There is no statute of limitation on betrayal especially on matters of the heart. It just means the BS was made a fool of day after day for a longer time. It's not a mitigating fact, if anything the length of the lie by omission is a daily indictment, compounded by each day the BS had to live the lie bereft of his agency.


if you say so, guess we agree to disagree


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> it was so long ago


It was. I mean, time is relative. But how long ago does something have to be before you can not care? If it was 5 years ago would it be something to be bothered by? What's the number?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> It was. I mean, time is relative. But how long ago does something have to be before you can not care? If it was 5 years ago would it be something to be bothered by? What's the number?


He said 21 Years ago


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> He said 21 Years ago


No I mean what is the number of years ago it needs to be when you have to quit caring? If it wasnt 'so long ago', say, 5 years, would it be ok for him to care about this?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> No I mean what is the number of years ago it needs to be when you have to quit caring? If it wasnt 'so long ago', say, 5 years, would it be ok for him to care about this?


That’s up to him to decide.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> it was so long ago


He has apparently decided to care about his wife (then gf) actions, despite it being "so long ago".


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> He has apparently decided to care about his wife (then gf) actions, despite it being "so long ago".


Fine. I would not care about something that happened before marriage. more into forgive/forget. here’s a hammer, start nailing me to the tree


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Fine. I would not care about something that happened before marriage. more into forgive/forget. here’s a hammer, start nailing me to the tree


Well, you said it is up to him to decide. This is about you or him?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> He said 21 Years ago


They say time heals all wounds, but how much time is needed is unique to every person and every situation. The time needed may be more than a lifetime. In cases like this it may as well have happened the day before he found out. It is brand new to him. He doesn't have the benefit of any of that time. 

I do get what you are saying, but when something like this comes to light it will make you question so many things. For 21 years he viewed his relationship through the lens of what he knew to be true. Now that truth has a big hole ripped in it. It could really change his perception of his wife. She has been capable of hiding a significant secret for a very long time. What else is she hiding is where the mind wanders to. Maybe there were things that occurred during their marriage that may have raised an eyebrow but were left go because he knew his wife to be honest. Now he may start to wonder about those. 

On the other hand, if there have been no red flags in their marriage and he is happy as can be, then it probably is best to let this go.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, you said it is up to him to decide. This is about you or him?


It’s about you. sheesh, are you the White House press corps? Let him decide. Move on, por favor.


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> They say time heals all wounds, but how much time is needed is unique to every person and every situation. The time needed may be more than a lifetime. In cases like this it may as well have happened the day before he found out. It is brand new to him. He doesn't have the benefit of any of that time.
> 
> I do get what you are saying, but when something like this comes to light it will make you question so many things. For 21 years he viewed his relationship through the lens of what he knew to be true. Now that truth has a big hole ripped in it. It could really change his perception of his wife. She has been capable of hiding a significant secret for a very long time. What else is she hiding is where the mind wanders to. Maybe there were things that occurred during their marriage that may have raised an eyebrow but were left go because he knew his wife to be honest. Now he may start to wonder about those.
> 
> On the other hand, if there have been no red flags in their marriage and he is happy as can be, then it probably is best to let this go.


Voice of reason^


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Trdd said:


> Here's my take.
> 
> 1) she was on holiday as a young woman and met a guy who hit on her. Of course this type of thing happens all the time.
> 
> ...


WTF???

So a committed relationship means nothing in your world.


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## Leopren (Feb 5, 2017)

Longtime Hubby said:


> it was so long ago


This means that it is more time lying. This is not a mitigating factor, it is an aggravating circumstance.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> WTF???
> 
> So a committed relationship means nothing in your world.


He's a cuckhold, what would you expect?


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## olk (Aug 17, 2021)

Serve her with divorce papers, then she will probably tell you the truth, and maybe not. But divorce is still the best option for you, because a marriage based on lies and infidelity will still collapse sooner or later...


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