# I AM going to cheat.



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Actual conversation today:

Me: Do you know it has been 5 months since we had sex and over a year since you gave me oral sex?
Him: Oral sex was more like 6 or 7 months. 

My jaw just dropped. Apparently correcting me was more important than hearing my message. Nothing more to say to him really. 

I can't divorce him (health insurance) but yes, I will become one of those women who cheats. Frankly, he deserves it. I want love and affection and he doesn't care about sex with me, so why the hell should I care about being faithful? He made a vow to me to be my husband and my sole sexual provider and he decided on his own accord to break those vows, so tell me again why "cheating" on him would be worse? I guess I am not the cheating type or I wouldn't be asking the question. [email protected]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Crap, move this to Infidelity mods. I posted it in the wrong section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why does heath insurance come into the equation?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and have been married for 13 years now but no kids yet. We got married young in our 20's. I've had opportunities to cheat on my wife with hot women that want crazy sex. I stay home after work for the most part, no bars, pubs, beach and I even let my wife cut my hair. I could of cheated on her with a co-workers female party friend a few years ago and this women in her 20's was hot!!! She even told me, I won't say anything, your wife doesn't have to know, lets go!!!! I left after the real party began, actually high tailed it out of there because I would of. I told my wife later and she got mad and no sex for a month or two but I didn't do anything. What a joke, right?


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Holland said:


> Why does heath insurance come into the equation?


I have breast cancer but am in remission. We have private insurance but no way could I afford the rate on my own and no company will insure a person with cancer if I wanted to get different insurance, I've checked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

CuddleBug said:


> I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and have been married for 13 years now but no kids yet. We got married young in our 20's. I've had opportunities to cheat on my wife with hot women that want crazy sex. I stay home after work for the most part, no bars, pubs, beach and I even let my wife cut my hair. I could of cheated on her with a co-workers female party friend a few years ago and this women in her 20's was hot!!! She even told me, I won't say anything, your wife doesn't have to know, lets go!!!! I left after the real party began, actually high tailed it out of there because I would of. I told my wife later and she got mad and no sex for a month or two but I didn't do anything. What a joke, right?


No kids? Get out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I used to think it was okay that he never wanted sex. Now? I am a shell of who I used to be, literally. Look at my user name. He gave me that name, Bright Eyes, when we were dating. He hasn't called me that in years and wonders why I am sad and doesn't see those sparkly eyes anymore. Rejection does that to you, especially from the person you loved.
Get out, just [email protected] run. Don't waste your life. I wasted 19 years on this guy and now with my illness I realize how short life is. Get out Cuddlebug. There are plenty of women out there who will love you, plenty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes-so your husband will not divorce you after he finds out about the affair?then you might lose your insurance. I also think you have some serious reservations since you came here and you know what most are going to say.
I will also say I have almost died twice and most people do realizes how fast things can be over and they think they have all the time in the world.I say 50/50 because it would be great if you and your husband worked things out but you need to live after almost dying and enjoy every day..


CuddleBug-not sure what you are thinking,13 years of your life just gone with somebody that does not really want you.The Vows are not for a life sentence of hell,they are vows to love each other and respect each other mutally.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

dubbizle said:


> Therealbrighteyes-so your husband will not divorce you after he finds out about the affair?then you might lose your insurance. I also think you have some serious reservations since you came here and you know what most are going to say.
> 
> 
> 
> CuddleBug-not sure what you are thinking,13 years of your life just gone with somebody that does not really want you.The Vows are not for a life sentence of hell,they are vows to love each other and respect each other mutally.


First off, I have not had any affair. None. Not at all. If I did, I don't know what will happen. My point to all this is he decided sex was off the table, so why should I suffer? Let's say he decided one day to become vegan, should he be upset if I eat a hamburger? I guess this opens up a larger question, if sex doesn't matter to one partner, then why is having sex with somebody else seen as such as huge deal? It is selfish to deny a spouse and then vilify them for wanting it elsewhere. Hell, did you read his response? Does that sound like a man who cares an ounce about my sex life?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

[I AM going to cheat] I did not say you had an affair,I am going off what you said you might do.

[You said you have to stay because of the insurance ]so why tell you to go,I would tell you get out NOW also but you said you need the insurance and I don't know you at all but I want you to have a long healthy life.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I also don't think one person in a relatioinship should decide there should be no more sex,I totally agree with you.I have said many times on boards why would a person who does something like that not expect thir partner to find somebody else.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

dubbizle said:


> I also don't think one person in a relatioinship should decide there should be no more sex,I totally agree with you.I have said many times on boards why would a person who does something like that not expect thir partner to find somebody else.


Thank you for your kind response. In this post, I cannot agree with you more. 

Just to make sure I understand all the deniers out there, you won't have sex or show affection and yet you would be upset if somebody else did? So it is such a crushing issue that divorce would happen but not enough of a motivator to get your ass in gear to provide such comfort? Yup, it's terribly important to you. In other words, it doesn't matter at all, unless somebody else is in the picture. At that point, it's really only about the hit to your ego and not about the sexual needs of your partner being met.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I have breast cancer but am in remission. We have private insurance but no way could I afford the rate on my own and no company will insure a person with cancer if I wanted to get different insurance, I've checked.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am sorry to hear that and wish you well. Staying for insurance is something unheard of in Australia which is why I asked.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm sorry TRBE

Have you asked him to go to counselling? Or given him an ultimatum?

Once you are in remission will you think about leaving?


I can't say I blame you. Honestly I don't think cheating is the answer unless you have exhausted all avenues, and generally I think someone should leave, but obviously it's not all ways cut and dry. 

It is truly torturous for someone not to show you the affection and sexual attention you deserve. 

If you can find a way to leave please do it, because as you said, life is way too short.

You deserve so much better.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

From what I have ready from many boards since this issues is every where is that many people will not change until the divorce papers are in their partners hands.These are people that had tried everything to get things right.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Is there something wrong with him medically?
I don't want to rub it in but I'm horny as heck and I'm mid 50's.
Could he be meeting his needs elsewhere?

Why does he want to be married to you?
Are you just a trophy wife he can show off at functions?
I just do not understand how a man can not want to make love to his wife at every oppo rtunity


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I'm sorry TRBE
> 
> Have you asked him to go to counselling? Or given him an ultimatum?
> 
> ...


We have been to counseling. It started out great but returned to "normal". I am in remission so that is a huge plus. I think about leaving every day. Even more so after Thanksgiving when he waited nearly hand and foot on his mother. Oh, his father was here too but he managed to make sure his mother was taken care of. Whatever she wanted, she got. I'm the "pal" who got the high five for making a kick ass turkey. He touched my feet on Sunday, when we were all watching a movie and I moved them away. I couldn't stand to be touched by him. I doubt I will ever want to be touched by him again. He makes me sick.

I will try not to generalize but here goes: when you treat your wife like a business partner and show that your priorities are elsewhere, take for granted the love you have, "listen" to her while checking your email, not look her in the eye while talking and show that everybody else in the world matters, you will not have a wife who ever wants to touch you again. I often read here about men who say they do everything but I doubt it. My husband would literally tell you he does it all. He doesn't. He does what is the most passive thing possible. I do the heavy lifting. 

As I said, if I did decide to cheat, he deserves it. Horrible thing to say. The only thing keeping me from it is my own integrity and self worth. It sure isn't him. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

TRBE:

I feel for you, I truly do. A spouse who UNILATERALLY removes sex from the marriage for no good reason (medical) has MADE his/her choice and MUST expect the consequences. In a case like this, I, personally, would see NOTHING WRONG with the dissatisfied spouse seeking sexual relief/fulfillment elsewhere.


You are stuck in the marriage due to forces beyond your control (unaffordable health care costs for a long-term illness)
Your H refuses to have sex with you EVEN AFTER you've discussed the problem with him AND been to therapy in an effort to resolve the problem
You are only CHEATING (in MY opinion) if you are witholding something from your spouse that s/he wants or values and you are giving it to someone else instead. That is clearly NOT THE CASE here. He DOESN'T want it. You're not cheating him out of ANYTHING, he doesn't want what you're offering.
I would feel NO COMPUNCTION about seeking satisfaction outside the marriage if I were trapped in a marriage like this.

I know you said you cannot afford the health care insurance premiums yourself and a new insurance carrier would REFUSE to take you on because of pre-existing conditions. Have you spoken with a DIVORCE ATTORNEY to see if part of a divorce settlement could COMPEL your H (or ex-H) to continue the health insurance coverage on you? Most divorce attorneys have a free consultation, please call and inquire (if you haven't already) whether this could be an option! (I'm hoping the answer is 'yes').


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

WyshIknew said:


> Is there something wrong with him medically?
> I don't want to rub it in but I'm horny as heck and I'm mid 50's.
> Could he be meeting his needs elsewhere?
> 
> ...


Nothing wrong with him. He's fit, 41, tall and good looking. 
As for why he wants to be married to me? I asked him a few months ago and he said "Because I love you and you are my best friend". Not sure what to make of that but I am NOT his best friend if he treats everybody else as more important. Also, I am his wife, NOT his friend. I didn't sign up to be a friend. I have many of them and never had sex with any, man or woman. 
Not sure about the trophy part. I am good looking but also 41. In a moment of sheer stupidity, he admitted that 20 somethings were the optimal age for his fantasies. So to answer your question, no I am not a trophy wife. 
I doubt he is getting his needs met elsewhere. No, I am not some fool wife who thinks her husband could never cheat. Anybody could cheat, hell I am ready to. He on the other hand talks about a man code and other bull****. He thinks it is some kind of badge to say he never cheated and comes from a long line of men who never did either. He is the kind of man who believes wholeheartedly in honor and cheating is not part of it. Apparently ignoring your wife for years is however.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

If you remove his hands from your feet I doubt he'll try anything else at this point even if he wanted to. 

Has he actually said that he doesn't want sex?

Is there anything he can do at this point to win you back?

Did you tell him you feel like cheating and why? Some people need a 2X4. 

Sorry for your predicament.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jfv said:


> If you remove his hands from your feet I doubt he'll try anything else at this point even if he wanted to.
> 
> Has he actually said that he doesn't want sex?
> 
> ...


Yup, me removing his hands from my feet turned him off to sex. (rolls eyes)
Never said he didn't want sex, just doesn't. 
Yes, I have told him I want to find somebody else. Response was calm and nothing short of "I wish you wouldn't".
Is there anything he can do to win me back? Not a damn thing. Too much pain on my end to ever look at him the same way again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> TRBE:
> 
> I feel for you, I truly do. A spouse who UNILATERALLY removes sex from the marriage for no good reason (medical) has MADE his/her choice and MUST expect the consequences. In a case like this, I, personally, would see NOTHING WRONG with the dissatisfied spouse seeking sexual relief/fulfillment elsewhere.
> 
> ...


1 lawyer said he could be compelled to pay and 2 others said it would only be for 2 years. Yes, I have far more to lose than he does. 
Just so I don't give the wrong impression, this guy went to the end of the Earth and took care of me. He isn't a monster. He does love me, just not like I need. He is a good man but he isn't a good husband. I think he really thinks of me as a friend. I am so angry over this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Feel your pain in your writing. You are 100% right, life is too short. You sound like you checked out. It also sounds like its the romance you miss as much as the sex. Sorry for what you are going through, it must be very hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

It sounds like if you have this much anger its over,are there times that you still want to be wih him sexually now?

You have beat the hell out of cancer so now its time to live every minute.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

You answered my question above.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

Is there more to this marriage than sex (or the lack thereof?) 
Is there anything our husband is willing to talk about to bring any of these causative issues out to the fore so that they can be assessed? 
It's sad that it has come to this but as we don't know his side of the story it's hard to be impartial and suggest that it's OK for you to cheat or time for you to leave. 
Nevertheless, if you've already decided, I wouldn't let your health condition be the reason to hold you back. But I don't know your other circumstances either. I can only hope you make the right decision for you and be as open as you can with each other in the process.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Holland said:


> I am sorry to hear that and wish you well. Staying for insurance is something unheard of in Australia which is why I asked.


Same up here...we're really blessed that way. Best wishes Bright Eyes!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

No one ever deserves to be cheated on. You say you've read through this section of the forum, if that really is the case, and you still say he deserves to be cheated on, you have no heart.

How much of this have you actually brought up with him?

So counseling worked at first, but then became "normal" and things stopped improving. So that was all it took to give up? How bout trying a new counselor? Or trying a different counseling style?(couples retreat)

Look back at your first post in this thread, in your dialogue you ask him if he realizes that it has been x amount of days since y happened. No where in that conversation do you say "I need 'x' to happen in order to feel 'y' otherwise I feel neglected etc.."

You say you are only with him for the insurance, how do you think that makes him feel? Or do you think he's a giant idiot and doesn't realize that you are only in the relationship for the medical coverage (BTW you can't be denied coverage over pre existing conditions anymore)

You sound angry and bitter toward him, and you may be justified in feeling that way, but believe me, he can feel it from you, and those types of feelings aren't exactly the kind that foster intimacy, romance and sex.

Get back into MC, address the issues that are making you angry, fix your marriage and live happily ever after. Or go find a divorce attorney, and star over with someone you don't hate. Cheating is not your answer.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Let me get this straight You want to have sex with your H but he doesn't want to. Then, because of this you have withdrawn and do not want his hands on your feet, never ind want to have sex with him.

You both have huge resentment about something. He won't talk about it . You want to solve it by sleeping with someone else because you don't want to lose your health insurance..

Tell me. What happens when he finds out you cheated because you wanted to? 

Do you think he might Divorce you. Divorce is rarely a joint decision and you will end up divorced whether you like it or not!

The choices you have now are quite different to the choices you will have after your cheating. You both take a lot for granted and you won't even know what he does in the marriage [like he doesn't know what you do] do until he is not there. 

Your call of course. Do you have someone in mind?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I think Ing hit the nail on the head with the resentment comment. If both you and your husband are harboring resentment for each other you need to get the underlying issue into the open.

You say you are not having enough sex, but when he does touch you it "disgusts" you? I'm sorry, but if my wife acted that way toward me I wouldn't want sex either. Intimacy is a 2 way street. One person can't carry the load. 

If that has been you for a long time, you can't spurn his advances, even if they are pitiful. Because if you do he will stop trying. Sounds like you are conditioning him to not have sex with you. Maybe you are setting him up, so you can cheat then blame him? Then if he divorces you, you can be the poor victim. I'm not buying it.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Honestly, you need to divorce him and damn the health insurance. But then I won't be surprised if you cheat because all your posts on every other section indicate so much built up resentment against your husband that he's better off without you in his life. You don't want him to touch your feet? Why can't you use that opportunity to initiate sex? 

You say that your husband loves you as a friend. Only the lowest of the low betray friends. I hope you make the wise choice to leave before you cause more harm than good.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Brighteyes. I agree with ing and paladin. I understand where your at and what your feeling but you know im against cheating in any circumstance. By the way, there is no reason why best friends can not be lovers as well. Your husband is an idiot but you should still try for mc imo and ic rather then cheat. Then again, the way he is talking, perhaps he has some sort of cuckhold fantasy? 

I cant imagine it being anything else.... Especially since he didnt do jack when another man grabbed your tits.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Who will you cheat with ? 


So much anger and resentment in your posts..Are you sure your judgement of him isn't flawed ?

And maybe he doesn't approach you because you keep rejecting him regularly ? You are repulsed by his touch and he has to find it sexy ?



> He touched my feet on Sunday, when we were all watching a movie and I moved them away. I couldn't stand to be touched by him. I doubt I will ever want to be touched by him again. He makes me sick.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I guess this thread shows one of the many advantages of Obamacare......... spouses won't stick around in unhappy marriages just for the health insurance.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

The fact that he was aware of how long it has been tells me he is also keeping track. Were you withholding sex before? Has he been getting his sexual needs met elsewhere? Is he angry with you for something? Have you considered asking him to see a doctor?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> 1 lawyer said he could be compelled to pay and 2 others said it would only be for 2 years.


I guess I am confused because in 2014, Obamacare starts up and pre-existing conditions won't be the cause of being denied insurance, so if you get divorced this year and have coverage for 2 years you will be fine to get your own insurance


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Hubby took me out for a surprise dinner. He got his car detailed, came home and said "Wear something stunning and hot as we are going out tonight". Me shocked, but I did. Dinner was amazing. We sat there for over 2 hours just talking about everything. Us, our past, our future and our hopes and dreams for us. It was awesome!!!
> After dinner was over, I fully expected to go back home but he wanted to go to a happening bar. He isn't a bar kind of guy but we settled in to a booth, ordered drinks and sat there talking some more. After about 20 minutes, hubby scoots over to my "booth side". So there we were drinking, laughing, talking and making out, having a blast of a time. It was loud but we suddenly heard a group of drunk and obnoxious 20 something women talking about us! The "ring leader" blurts out "Look at them. ****ing disgusting. She is such a [email protected]". We giggled and continued with our PDA. Ring leader ramps it up to her friends and loudly says "You know, the weekend before Valentine's Day is when every married man takes his [email protected] out. Check them out. She is totally not his wife and he has a wedding ring on!" (Mine is at the jewelers). So we decided to take the opportunity to put on a show for them. They get even more pissed. One of the other women yells out "I hope you feel like **** going out with your [email protected] No doubt your wife is at home right now taking care of your kids, wishing you were there. You're a bastard". We ignored them. More insults hurled at us including (my favorite) "He's only with you because you are hot and dress like a **** but he will never leave his wife for you. Good luck to you, SKANK!". They continued to get drunk and we continued the way we were.
> 1:45 am was final call and as we got up to settle the tab, I walked over to the group and said "Thank you for MAKING my night. That married man that I am with? Yeah, he's MY married man of 17 years." Their jaws hit the damn floor. I told them that if we came across as star crossed lovers sneaking out for an evening, then I guess our marriage is better than most! The "ring leader" drunkenly stood up and apologized profusely. She offered to pay our tab. I said no. "If anything, I should pay yours". She grabbed my arm and said "How do you do it?" Not sure, I responded....we just do.
> Ahem, we "stayed up" until 4:00 am. I woke up this morning at nearly 11. When I rolled over, there was a small box by my head. I felt "lovely" to say the very least. Makeup smeared from last night and a cotton taste in my mouth. Hair sticking up in every direction. He was standing over me, fully showered, dressed and looking hot! He said "Open the box". Inside were a pair of gold earrings that have a chocolate pearl dangling from them. They are stunning, just stunning!! He said "Happy Valentine's Day, honey. I knew you would love them". I put them on and he said that I was the most beautiful women he has ever seen. Um yeah. I looked like a rabid raccoon but apparently I am still gorgeous to him. I said to him "Honey, Valentine's Day isn't today, it is tomorrow, so why the early gift?". His response "I know, but as my mistress, today is your day."
> ...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Hmmmm... Okay then. And you're gonna cheat why?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, i will be harsh here. Why did you make this post and phrase it as such ? Do you want some attention ? 

I just skimmed over her posts and I can be totally wrong. She seems to have a huge resentment over him having a fun job traveling places while she is stuck at home with home duties.. Is that the case ?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> First off, I have not had any affair. None. Not at all. If I did, I don't know what will happen. My point to all this is he decided sex was off the table, so why should I suffer? Let's say he decided one day to become vegan, should he be upset if I eat a hamburger? I guess this opens up a larger question, if sex doesn't matter to one partner, then why is having sex with somebody else seen as such as huge deal? It is selfish to deny a spouse and then vilify them for wanting it elsewhere. Hell, did you read his response? Does that sound like a man who cares an ounce about my sex life?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is sex off the table??? Sorry if you've said before and I missed it...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TRBE,

Even if its not popular, I'll throw in my $0.02...

Yes, nobody deserves to be cheated on. But nobody deserves to swear that they'll be sexually faithful to someone, only to have that person unilaterally decide to withdraw their sexual support, leaving the first person hanging. And just like nobody deserves to be hit, if someone (including my spouse or partner) hits me first, I'm likely to lash out as well. At that point, I'm no longer too concerned about hurting them or their feelings.

I went through a "sexless" marriage (by definition, if not as extreme as you). At the end of it, I cheated. Yes, it was entirely my decision to seek out someone else. But regardless of what anyone else might think, I don't think I would have done that if I was in a healthy relationship. In the end however, it solved NONE of the problems I was hoping it would solve, and I ended the marriage a few months after cheating. Not to be with one of my affair partners, but just to be out of the marriage. 

My GF went through 2 years of a truly sexless marriage, after years of it being sexless by definition. She fought tooth and nail to try to solve the mystery of why her husband wasn't sexually interested in her, and even told him that if he didn't start fixing the problem, he shouldn't be surprised if she found someone who did want her sexually. In the end, her frustrations put her in a similar state as you... Casual contact or a "joke and a grope" was just a slap in the face.

I wish I had an answer for you... With your health insurance issues, you don't have many options. But cheating isn't likely to solve your problems either, unless you can get your husband to agree to an open marriage. An hour of fun once every week or two doesn't make up for the lack of intimacy in a marriage, at least in my experience. Of course, if your spouse could make himself interested in sex for an hour once a week, we probably wouldn't have this thread, right?

C


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> OP, i will be harsh here. Why did you make this post and phrase it as such ? Do you want some attention ?
> 
> I just skimmed over her posts and I can be totally wrong. She seems to have a huge resentment over him having a fun job traveling places while she is stuck at home with home duties.. Is that the case ?


Was that an old post from a different thread? I have to admit some confusion...


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Your husband stayed with you through cancer. I know from personal experience that it's tough. I also know that a lot of people lose their spouse when they get cancer or another life threatening illness. It's sad but true. Your H stuck by you.

I guess the real question is... Are you sure the guy you're thinking of cheating with is worth the marriage you're throwing away.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

You stated that he cared for you and took care of you above and beyond the minimal during your cancer treatments. That indicates he still has strong feelings for you. How long has the no sex thing been going on? Since before your illness or just after? Do you ever initiate sex (not verbally - by doing)? Are you being too subtle? Sometimes we men have to be hit on the head with a hammer to get the message. Is it possible that he doesn't realize that you're ready and wanting your physical and intimate relationship to resume post-illness? 

Besides sex, how does he treat you? Do you have reason to suspect he's having an affair and getting his needs elsewhere? 

Have you been to counselling?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Well if Im reading this right...."ahem we stayed up til 4am"....was meant to lead us to believe you were having sex, right? And He sounds like a prince here. I know he isnt, they all have their flaws(just like us) but THIS is NOT a man who only thinks of his wife as a friend.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how long ago was that post made? If you recall TRBE did indeed mention that they had a renewal of sorts that eventually turned and went back to the status quo of sexless


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> how long ago was that post made? If you recall TRBE did indeed mention that they had a renewal of sorts that eventually turned and went back to the status quo of sexless


ah, got it. That was in referrence to Valentines Day so 9 mos ago assuming that was the last time they had sex. I find it hard to believe they went from THAT to nothing for NO reason...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> Yes, nobody deserves to be cheated on. But nobody deserves to swear that they'll be sexually faithful to someone, only to have that person unilaterally decide to withdraw their sexual support, leaving the first person hanging.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

Like the old saying goes, "Money can't buy happiness but it sure can make misery a lot easier to live with."


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and I searched it and it was close to two years ago- Feb 2011

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21811-last-night-morning.html#post253058


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> and I searched it and it was close to two years ago- Feb 2011
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21811-last-night-morning.html#post253058


Ok. Then just ignore that post. My apologies...

So, he's given NO reason for not wanting sex? NONE? What is his response when you ask him directly "wth?"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think what is creating more argument than support is the fact that TRBE is coming out and saying she is going to cheat and posting this thread in CWI instead of SIM or CD

in fact I really think she doesn't want to cheat but feels trapped and is venting by expressing herself in a manner that unfortunately triggers most of us here. (presenting a "valid excuse" to cheat)

TRBE- you aren't trapped, you have choices and options. To choose to cheat is a very wrong choice and you know this. Withholding intimacy/sex is indeed abuse and extremely detrimental to your marriage. Cheating would only serve to pile on the pain and confusion for the sake of some instant gratification. It is not an appropriate response to what your husband has done to you. You can indeed divorce with a clear conscience and still get insurance due to the new laws that will be enacted in 13 months. 

I hope you find the strength to do what's right, not only for you but for your husband as well, even if you think he doesn't deserve it.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Why are we digging up old posts? Things have obviously changed, as they often do...


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Why are we digging up old posts? Things have obviously changed, as they often do...


I think this was in regard to the post Warlock made and it left me confused since I didnt realize he'd chosen a post that was that old. 

Yes, clearly things have changed. I was trying to ask 'why'? If she has any clue why or what he says when she addresses the subject. I mean if she says "why dont we have sex?" what is his response????


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> How long has the no sex thing been going on?





Therealbrighteyes said:


> Actual conversation today:
> 
> Me: *Do you know it has been 5 months since we had sex and over a year since you gave me oral sex?
> Him: Oral sex was more like 6 or 7 months.*





Cedarman said:


> Have you been to counselling?





Therealbrighteyes said:


> *We have been to counseling. *It started out great but returned to "normal".


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I have a feeling that there is a lot more to this than what has been disclosed so far.

TheRealBrightEyes: Would your husband be willing to join and post here?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Maricha has mad reading comprehension skillz


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Maricha has mad reading comprehension skillz


It was posted on the first page!


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Maricha has mad reading comprehension skillz


I agree with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> Why are we digging up old posts? Things have obviously changed, as they often do...


Generally I'd agree, but on this one...seems odd that less than two years ago these two long-term married people were making out in a bar...and now they sound completely broken, with no hope for recovery.

What changed?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I think OP has her sights set on someone else.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> It was posted on the first page!


well good thing someone is fully awake!


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Ovid said:


> I think OP has her sights set on someone else.


Could be that someone is giving her some attention.

Not trying to hijack the thread, but I can relate to some of TRBE's thoughts/feelings here. And...it did not help at all when a younger/attractive woman basically made me an offer about a month ago. It F'd me up for a few days, and I was fortunate that we don't have ongoing contact.

TRBE - if someone has your head spinning, give it LOTS of thought before you do something you'll regret later.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

thunderstruck said:


> Generally I'd agree, but on this one...seems odd that less than two years ago these two long-term married people were making out in a bar...and now they sound completely broken, with no hope for recovery.
> 
> What changed?


Perhaps going through Cancer? I don't know...it would seem that staying healthy would top the priority list in her case, not being sexless...sexless is no fun, but it doesn't kill you...anyways, that's JMO.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Looks like a marriage history re-write.
TRBE,

Something else is going on here..who has caught your eye? You are probably in an emotional affair right now as we post to you.

You have been here for a little bit and have many posts, Don't you see how foggy you sound?

You have already crossed a line haven't you?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey TRBE...I tried to PM you and got this message....fyi.

"....has exceeded their stored private messages quota and cannot accept further messages until they clear some space."


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

She sounds pretty foggy, and I'd bet several benjamins that theres something shes done that shes not saying.

Also you get repulsed at his touch, and can't return basic affection and hes supposed to want to sleep with you?

You both have a lot of resentment, and should be getting it out in counseling instead of playing tit for tat.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Yes, staying to use him for benefits is completely ethical while you go out an f0ck someone else.

That's apparently the answer you're looking for. 

So, my genuine answer is don't do it. Get out.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

While I would agree that it looks suspicious lets try not to convict her of the crime just yet...

TRBE??? What say ye?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Yes, staying to use him for benefits is completely ethical while you go out an f0ck someone else.
> 
> That's apparently the answer you're looking for.
> 
> So, my genuine answer is don't do it. Get out.


Bravo! I'm glad someone had [email protected] to say it.


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## 2asdf2 (Jun 5, 2012)

Looking through OP previous posts in other threads I find that she has withheld sex from her partner before. 

Not only from previous partners, but also from her current husband.

Not only for lack of attraction (with previous partners) but also for tactical reasons (with current husband.)

So, what gives? Why the current concern and lack of understanding now the shoe is on the other foot?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

My one and only post on this thread.

1) I don't think TRBE has found someone else. I suppose that with her husband being so fully engaged in his work and travelling much that this is possible as she may be leaning on someone else. Idunno. Posting this thread should bring the predators out of the woodwork of course.

2) Not ever having cancer I feel completely unqualified to suggest how this might impact anyone in particualr nor the pressures that it may have on a marriage. I will take the leap however that ones emotional needs would become relatively extreme during all of this.

3) Her husband has a very demanding job that requires travel. Suffice it to say that such jobs and the choices one may make in this situation can place significant stress on all concerned. A job can become a mistress. Perhaps she feels he has not been there for her and resentment has grown between them. 

4) I hope very much that TRBE can get the support she needs but more importantly that the situation itself turns around. That she does not indeed cheat but most importantly that she and her husband can break this impasse. This has spiralled downward it seems. It will take both of them to stop this.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Yes, staying to use him for benefits is completely ethical while you go out an f0ck someone else.
> 
> That's apparently the answer you're looking for.
> 
> So, my genuine answer is don't do it. Get out.


thats SO awesome lol


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

OP - If you divorce, you could get COBRA for 36 months & the premiums paid by him via a divorce settlement. Check with his HR Department.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> 2) Not ever having cancer I feel completely unqualified to suggest how this might impact anyone in particualr nor the pressures that it may have on a marriage. I will take the leap however that ones emotional needs would become relatively extreme during all of this.


Having had chemotherapy myself, it as, as the Brits would, swings and roundabouts. I consider myself very lucky. Although most of my week was consumed with hospital visits and I was tired, I wasn't sick as one usually expects with chemo. the nurses said that they have seen a distinct improvement with the drugs over the last 15 years and many people do not become so sick.

But it is hard to concentrate on other things, like a job. People who have full time jobs have the advantage of employment protection. People who free lanced (like myself) do not have that protection so yes I became financially insecure at a time when my(future) fiancé was still expecting me to pay for some of the dates.

I bring this up here because given the fact that I didn't lose my hair, didn't gain too much weight and still found men trying to hit on me ....... was when I finally grew a backbone and told my (future) fiancé that I wasn't going to put up with his inappropriate friendship with his just a friend ex. 

I suppose if I had had a more difficult time with chemotherapy, I might have felt more dependent and therefore less assertive with my (future) fiancé who (ETA) may not have felt the need to drop his friend and commit to me.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

I think TRBE needs to tell him that she is on the verge of cheating on him because of she isn't having her need for emotional and sexual intimacy being met. She needs to gauge his reaction and then needs to decide whether she will continue with marriage or divorce.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> I think this was in regard to the post Warlock made and it left me confused since I didnt realize he'd chosen a post that was that old.
> 
> Yes, clearly things have changed. I was trying to ask 'why'? If she has any clue why or what he says when she addresses the subject. I mean if she says "why dont we have sex?" what is his response????


Oh.. I am just posting something from her happy times...just to remind her of the happy memories of her memories. 

Kinda making sure she isn't mentally rewriting the marriage when in resentment to justify her choices


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I smell total rewrite, and other interested party... The longer this post goes on the more sure I am...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I don't think the OP realizes that she has presented herself as unsympathetic, selfish and opportunistic. I think this posting is a cry of frustration and maybe for a little help, but she went about it the wrong way. From my POV, no sympathy here. 

(FYI: My step mother is a brest cancer survivor, so I do understand those issues)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> and I searched it and it was close to two years ago- Feb 2011
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/21811-last-night-morning.html#post253058


Sorry. Did not mean to confuse anyone. The blue button right next to the username of the quoted post(Check the blue button right next to *Almostrecovered* in the quote above ), if you click on it, it will take you to the message that was quoted...Phew


:scratchhead:

Did that make sense ?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> I think TRBE needs to tell him that she is on the verge of cheating on him because of she isn't having her need for emotional and sexual intimacy being met. She needs to gauge his reaction and then needs to decide whether she will continue with marriage or divorce.


This, exactly.

Or she should simply ask for permission to engage in an open marriage so someone else can ring her bell once in awhile.

If she does it on the sly, it's cheating and wrong, no matter what the circumstances. 

This whole thing is a confused mess. She doesn't even want him to touch her feet, and says she is disgusted by him. But she complains about no sex. 

You can't complain about not getting something you don't even want.

So what DO you want?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Ovid said:


> I smell total rewrite, and other interested party... The longer this post goes on the more sure I am...


The thing you're smelling is based on what others are saying,not based on what she is saying since she hasn't been back to respond to all the accusations yet.

I think it's probably best to read what she has to say to all this rather than continuing to speculate on what she has/has not done.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I really can't fathom making a decision to cheat. NO MATTER WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCE!

we all have rough times in marriage. good years, and bad years. 
thats why you take the vows.

cheatin IMO is something you do NOT come back from....at least not me. you cheat, there's the door. and don't let it hit ya where the good lord split ya!

there have been times when my wife has made my wife such a living hell that I thought about it for a brief moment. then something called self respect interveened. Hell, @ times I wished she would so I would have a reason to be done with it. but you don't...you look for ways within yourself to rectify a problem- ALWAYS.

I sense, as most have, there is another person in this picture


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I nursed my W through cancer. 

Two things I remember well. Most of the people in the waiting room that were going through it were being left by their spouse. My W was one of the very few that stayed in a M.

Chemo/radiation/severe ilness destroy a sex drive. It would be more likely that he's feeling deprived. Especially if she says it's 5 months and he says 7...

The staying for insurance sounds like another version of ILYBINILWY.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The thing you're smelling is based on what others are saying,not based on what she is saying since she hasn't been back to respond to all the accusations yet.
> 
> I think it's probably best to read what she has to say to all this rather than continuing to speculate on what she has/has not done.


No. I'm reading what she wrote. She doesn't want him to touch her but then says he's depriving her of sex. It's a history rewrite. It wasn't her it was him...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

So...no one here has EVER said or posted anything in a dark time of desperation,hurt,anger,frustration? You've never had your back against a wall. You've never gotten to the point where you started speaking thoughts that pop into your head that you'd NEVER follow through with but wanted to get them out because it felt better than suffering with the thoughts on your own?

EVERYONE says things at one point or another that they don't really mean.Haven't you ever said or thought to yourself, "OMG if that person does xyz one more time I'm going to go insane?" You wouldn't ACTUALLY go insane,but it feels like you will so you say it or think it.

She sounds at the end of her rope and nothing more.She sounds like she's having desperate thoughts and expressing them here. It might not be a great thing for her to post this in CWI but does that really even matter?? She's reaching out in pure frustration,obviously,and I think she has contributed enough around here that people need to give her a break before they start jumping onto their moral high horse.

*Before we all jump on the "she's f**king someone.She has another dude in mind" train,let her come back and talk some more.*


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> So...no one here has EVER said or posted anything in a dark time of desperation,hurt,anger,frustration? You've never had your back against a wall. You've never gotten to the point where you started speaking thoughts that pop into your head that you'd NEVER follow through with but wanted to get them out because it felt better than suffering with the thoughts on your own?
> 
> EVERYONE says things at one point or another that they don't really mean.Haven't you ever said or thought to yourself, "OMG if that person does xyz one more time I'm going to go insane?" You wouldn't ACTUALLY go insane,but it feels like you will so you say it or think it.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I gave her the benefit of the doubt by simply saying I believe she has someone in mind. She herself titled this "I'm going to cheat" which indicates that she does. You don't plan on cheating with noone.

I'm pointing out the obvious history rewrite:
1. She doesn't want him touching her and she's been very ill, but then saying he's withholding sex.
2. His statement that its been longer than she thought for sex, which indicates he is more frustrated.

Also the cheater script in he statements like
"I cant leave because of the insurance"
1. An excuse to be covert and not open.
2. I love the security you bring but want to f other people. = ILYBINILWY

There's more. This is just what is glaringly obvious.

You can't help someone with their problem if you refuse to point out what the obvious problem is!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ovid said:


> You don't plan on cheating with noone.



orly?

I think what you are confusing the difference between someone who is angry and frustrated and venting with someone who has slipped past their boundaries and started an affair or is about to have one.

but I'll let her answer that instead of jumping to conclusions


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Ovid said:


> 2. His statement that its been longer than she thought for sx, which indicates he is more frustrated.


I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but one correction. From her 1st post, his statement is that the number of months since the last oral was much shorter than she recalls. That stuck out to me when I first read it, b/c my LD W will usually come up with much shorter durations vs. the true duration.

*"Me: Do you know it has been 5 months since we had sx and over a year since you gave me oral sx?
Him: Oral sx was more like 6 or 7 months."*


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> orly?
> 
> I think what you are confusing the difference between someone who is angry and frustrated and venting with someone who has slipped past their boundaries and started an affair or is about to have one.
> 
> but I'll let her answer that instead of jumping to conclusions


I'm sticking to this because of the reasons stated in the rest of the post. If it was just the one thing I wuld go along with it's simply frustration.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> I agree with a lot of what you wrote, but one correction. From her 1st post, his statement is that the number of months since the last oral was much shorter than she recalls. That stuck out to me when I first read it, b/c my LD W will usually come up with much shorter durations vs. the true duration.
> 
> *"Me: Do you know it has been 5 months since we had sx and over a year since you gave me oral sx?
> Him: Oral sx was more like 6 or 7 months."*


Good point. I read too fast.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ovid said:


> I'm sticking to this because of the reasons stated in the rest of the post. If it was just the one thing I wuld go along with it's simply frustration.



well put it this way, due to postings I've read of hers elsewhere I will state that you are most likely wrong


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> orly?
> 
> I think what you are confusing the difference between someone who is angry and frustrated and venting with someone who has slipped past their boundaries and started an affair or is about to have one.
> 
> but I'll let her answer that instead of jumping to conclusions


I get that she is frustrated with her husband and her marriage, this of course comes from reading her other threads. But there is a time and a place for venting. And a forum full of spouses who have been on the receiving end of infidelity isn't the place. Not when you declare your intentions to be unfaithful and defend your stand. To expect any other kind of reaction or advice is foolish. 

TRBE, sit down and ask yourself why your marriage is where it is at today. And how you are contributing to its breakdown instead of laying all the blame on your husband. 

You could probably do this, I read it on another site somewhere. 
Take a piece of paper and list all the things your husband doesn't do for you and all his bad qualities on one side. Then write down how you react every time he displays these qualities on the other side. Tear the paper in half and throw away the half that contains all the nasty things your husband does. How does your half look?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

I don't see how anyone could defend this behavior as "frustrated"

she did not say, I think I am, my husband is driving me too..

she said "I am going to cheat"

that statement alone is grounds to show her the door.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well put it this way, due to postings I've read of hers elsewhere I will state that you are most likely wrong


I hope I am. 

These things still point to issues that need to be addressed before they guarantee I'm right.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> I get that she is frustrated with her husband and her marriage, this of course comes from reading her other threads. But there is a time and a place for venting. And a forum full of spouses who have been on the receiving end of infidelity isn't the place. Not when you declare your intentions to be unfaithful and defend your stand. To expect any other kind of reaction or advice is foolish.



I already something similar to this, I think she chose poorly in where she posted this and ended up triggering a bunch of folks


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

and to put it another way, had she posted about being sexless for half a year in SIM, she would have gotten a totally different response. And had she been a man she would have been told to run a MAP and act more alpha, etc


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Isn't there a FAP that women can run?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> And a forum full of spouses who have been on the receiving end of infidelity isn't the place. Not when you declare your intentions to be unfaithful and defend your stand. To expect any other kind of reaction or advice is foolish.


Maybe this is the perfect place if she wants to be talked off the ledge. Maybe she feels vulnerable, but doesn't really want to cheat. She posts "I am going to cheat," knowing that she's going to get blasted for 20 pages.

The few times I've had mixed thoughts on this subject, I've called a buddy or two about it. I knew they'd kick my azz, and that's what I needed.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Maybe this is the perfect place if she wants to be talked off the ledge. Maybe she feels vulnerable, but doesn't really want to cheat. She posts "I am going to cheat," knowing that she's going to get blasted for 20 pages.
> 
> The few times I've had mixed thoughts on this subject, I've called a buddy or two about it. I knew they'd kick my azz, and that's what I needed.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> Maybe this is the perfect place if she wants to be talked off the ledge. Maybe she feels vulnerable, but doesn't really want to cheat. She posts "I am going to cheat," knowing that she's going to get blasted for 20 pages.
> 
> The few times I've had mixed thoughts on this subject, I've called a buddy or two about it. I knew they'd kick my azz, and that's what I needed.


Probably but one has to take into account betrayed spouses who are still not quite out of the rough parts.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TRBE has posted many times about how cheating is wrong and a poor choice, etc. Go back through her posts and look. So forgive me if I am giving her some slack based on her prior posting and seeing this for what I believe it to be- her lashing out in a bad moment in her marriage and making a ill thought out statement and post. I don't believe she ultimately thinks cheating is justified and I don't think she will cheat when it comes down to it. Perhaps I have more faith in my fellow humans than I should, but I am making a judgement call until I get different information.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> ...sexless is no fun, but it doesn't kill you...


But then what's the point of living?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> So...no one here has EVER said or posted anything in a dark time of desperation,hurt,anger,frustration? You've never had your back against a wall. You've never gotten to the point where you started speaking thoughts that pop into your head that you'd NEVER follow through with but wanted to get them out because it felt better than suffering with the thoughts on your own?
> 
> EVERYONE says things at one point or another that they don't really mean.Haven't you ever said or thought to yourself, "OMG if that person does xyz one more time I'm going to go insane?" You wouldn't ACTUALLY go insane,but it feels like you will so you say it or think it.
> 
> ...


onsidering what she posted as the title in CWI, nothing he posted was outrageous. Open forum and all that. let him post what he wants..(like you did).


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> onsidering what she posted as the title in CWI, nothing he posted was outrageous. Open forum and all that. let him post what he wants..(like you did).


I never said he couldn't post. I simply suggested what I felt was the better thing to do.

no forum policing on my part,only expression.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> TRBE has posted many times about how cheating is wrong and a poor choice, etc. Go back through her posts and look. So forgive me if I am giving her some slack based on her prior posting and seeing this for what I believe it to be- her lashing out in a bad moment in her marriage and making a ill thought out statement and post. I don't believe she ultimately thinks cheating is justified and I don't think she will cheat when it comes down to it. Perhaps I have more faith in my fellow humans than I should, but I am making a judgement call until I get different information.


When I was a little boy I had bought some candy and was riding my bike home when I slipped on the bike. My leg got tangled up in the chain and gashed by the gear. A young man saw me and asked if I needed help. I said yes. He punched me in the face and took my candy.

As an adult the only person I trusted cheated on me and nearly destroyed our family as a result. She had earned my trust for 20 years and then threw it away on a fling. Now she is slowly earning some of that trust back.

The moral of the story is 
1. Don't trust
2. People can change but it goes both ways.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> And a forum full of spouses who have been on the receiving end of infidelity isn't the place.


This forum is also filled with spouses who have been denied sex for no good reason and can relate to OP. As well as being filled with people who have cheated and wish they hadn't. Nothing wrong with her posting this for advice.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ovid said:


> When I was a little boy ......
> 
> The moral of the story is
> 1. Don't trust
> 2. People can change but it goes both ways.


Similar experience as a kid on Halloween. I chased him down, we fought, I got my butt kicked but did draw blood. I didn’t feel like a victim anymore. I can’t remember “how” but we became friends later (the type my mom didn’t want me hanging around with). 

Moral of the story; Sometimes you have to fight for yourself even when you know you are going to lose. You never know, sometimes you win in the long run.

Therealbrighteyes should continue to fight the sexless nature of her marriage. Hit below the belt and do whatever it takes to get that change. She may not win this, but no one can ever say she took the easy road and she sure won’t feel like “poor her” and simply accept her lot in life. Better to burn it down in front of their eyes than do the same thing in secrecy. If she’s frustrated, hurt, angry and resentful.... She should be acting that way. Sometimes it takes drawing blood for them to see you in a new light.


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

Woah folks.. lets slow down here a bit..


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

ATC529R said:


> I don't see how anyone could defend this behavior as "frustrated"
> 
> she did not say, I think I am, my husband is driving me too..
> 
> ...


For the same reasons as AR, I'm more than willing to allow for TRBE to simply be venting. Likewise, I don't see an angry expression of "I AM going to cheat!" as grounds to show her the door, if there's no follow-through on her part.

If I did think that warranted showing her the door, my angry outbursts of, "I'm going to kill so-and-so!" during some of my worst moments would be enough to lock me up for murder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Go for IC or MC ASAP.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Racer said:


> Similar experience as a kid on Halloween. I chased him down, we fought, I got my butt kicked but did draw blood. I didn’t feel like a victim anymore. I can’t remember “how” but we became friends later (the type my mom didn’t want me hanging around with).
> 
> Moral of the story; Sometimes you have to fight for yourself even when you know you are going to lose. You never know, sometimes you win in the long run.
> 
> Therealbrighteyes should continue to fight the sexless nature of her marriage. Hit below the belt and do whatever it takes to get that change. She may not win this, but no one can ever say she took the easy road and she sure won’t feel like “poor her” and simply accept her lot in life. Better to burn it down in front of their eyes than do the same thing in secrecy. If she’s frustrated, hurt, angry and resentful.... She should be acting that way. Sometimes it takes drawing blood for them to see you in a new light.


Nothing to do with victemhood. Just pointing out that people are not trustworthy.

OP is going through some serious emotional issues. Trusting her to make good decisions on her own when she's posting for help seems foolhardy.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

She's asking for help with fidelity. It doesn't make sense to overlook that to give her the benefit of the doubt.

It doesn't mean she is cheating. It means that she is tempted. Even if it's just frustration speaking the temptation is obviously there. It's the name of the thread. 

It's not revolutionary to say she would have someone in mind. If there were no options she couldn't have temptation.

The fact that she's asking for help shows that she is against cheating.

Ignoring that to give her the benefit of the doubt is denying the help she asked for by turning a blind eye to her problem.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Ovid said:


> If there were no options she couldn't have temptation.



I don't know why you keep saying this, it isn't a stretch to imagine having confidence in oneself to go out and have stranger sex if you really wanted to. (women do have it easier in most cases)
which is what in fact I did when I briefly had the notion to revenge cheat by going to ashleemad

but regardless, this is becoming dumb until she comes with either a cooler head or to state that she does indeed have set plans


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

even I could simply go to a number of websites and have something set up in a relatively short amount of time (either pay an escort or use a site like ashleemad)


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> even I could simply go to a number of websites and have something set up in a relatively short amount of time (either pay an escort or use a site like ashleemad)


I would count this as an option she could have in mind.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> even I could simply go to a number of websites and have something set up in a relatively short amount of time (either pay an escort or use a site like ashleemad)


are you sure????:rofl:


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

pretty sure, nerds are in vogue right now


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> pretty sure, nerds are in vogue right now


OH good! That means even I could do it then...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)




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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> This forum is also filled with spouses who have been denied sex for no good reason and can relate to OP. As well as being filled with people who have cheated and wish they hadn't. Nothing wrong with her posting this for advice.


Of course there is nothing wrong with her posting for advice. But wouldn't it have been more productive if she had simply listed her problems and asked for the various avenues/decisions she could make with regards to the above problem. She could simply have stated that it is becoming harder for her to resist temptation rather than declaring her intentions to do one thing and justifying it knowing fully that people would dissuade her.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Bottom line - if you are married, you have taken vows to be faithful. You can't change the terms of those vows without agreement from both.

As for sexlessness, we went through a bit of that after BH had multiple back surgeries. I perceived it as him denying me sex while he perceived not wanting 'pity' sex since I was worried about hurting him. So, we were living that way for no valid reason.

This isn't something to be solved with half of the puzzle - it's time to get in to MC and figure out if it's worth staying and working it out or leaving.

Saying 'I'm going to cheat', isn't saying 'I'm thinking about cheating'. It's making a very bold declaration of intentions. Let's face it, if I state I'm going to harm myself, someone would likely call emergency services to intervene.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

BjornFree said:


> Of course there is nothing wrong with her posting for advice. But wouldn't it have been more productive if she had simply listed her problems and asked for the various avenues/decisions she could make with regards to the above problem. She could simply have stated that it is becoming harder for her to resist temptation rather than declaring her intentions to do one thing and justifying it knowing fully that people would dissuade her.


I agree but not everyone is a robot like me and you and react to their emotional levels in poor ways


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

Grayson said:


> For the same reasons as AR, I'm more than willing to allow for TRBE to simply be venting. Likewise, I don't see an angry expression of "I AM going to cheat!" as grounds to show her the door, if there's no follow-through on her part.
> 
> If I did think that warranted showing her the door, *my angry outbursts of, "I'm going to kill so-and-so!" during some of my worst moments would be enough to lock me up for murder.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


those were outbursts....as you stated. this is not an outburst......it's a bit more thought out when you go to the computer and put fingers to the keyboard.

and yes, if you posted blogs about killing a particular person you would be arrested.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

uh oh, I better go delete that blog I have about amplexor


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

PM me. Will reopen at your request, and damn the torpedoes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

guess she mistook the difference between figuratively and literally?


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