# Quantity and quality troubles



## crazyhorselady (Jul 15, 2010)

This is my first posting, so here it goes:

I've been married for almost 5 years to a pretty good guy. We have the typical arguments re: housework, money, etc., but generally we're pretty good. We both like to talk and he really is my best friend. I love him tremendously and I have never doubted that he loves me.

Sex is the one area where things are lousy and have been pretty much from day one. Until a year ago the biggest issue was quantity. I'd like every other day, he's happy with once or twice a month. He's ALWAYS too tired (despite the fact that I work A LOT more and sleep a lot less). After four frustrating years and several sessions with a useless counselor, we had his testosterone checked and, big surprise, it was low. Things still haven't changed much, but I'm coping with it better knowing that there is a medical reason. His level still isn't up to normal (long story) but I'm hoping things will improve once it is.

So now, it's more the quality issue. When we were dating he was pretty good about foreplay. Once we got married, foreplay became very limited. He hasn't given me oral sex in several years, and when he used to do it, it was begrudgingly and limited. I have an orgasm about half the time, but only by touching myself during intercourse - I don't mind helping, but I'd like a little variety. If he finishes and I haven't, then I am out of luck. He will not touch me at all to help me finish. Last night I asked him to hold and kiss me so I could "finish myself" and he said no, it makes him uncomfortable. I ask why and all he says is "I don't know." When I tried to talk about it further, he said, "I have to get some sleep." He offered to leave the room so I could finish by myself (how depressing). Instead, I rolled over and cried myself to sleep, while he snored.

In addition to the things he won't do for me, he's turned off by dirty talk (which I love) and the ways he lets me touch him are very limited. There are a couple of things he does like that are "wilder", but generally I feel like he's become a prude. 

He loves to cuddle, but only if it is me holding him or me rubbing his back, feet, etc. He'll hold or massage me if I ask, but then it's quickly back to all about him. Kissing is always very platonic (even during sex, if he kisses me at all), nothing open mouthed (again, something I'd love).

I had great sex in previous LTR's. I always assumed sex would never be a problem for me in marriage. I'm very comfy talking about it, but he won't talk about sex at all. I waited a long time to find the right guy, but I've been terribly disappointed by marriage.

Do you think getting his testosterone fixed will help the quality some, or is he just terribly selfish? Should I just hang in there until his testosterone is good and then worry about quality? I'm trying to find a decent counselor again, but I'd love any advice or comfort.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi crazyhorselady,

Welcome to the forum. I do like the user name! And just for the record my beloved old mare outlasted my marriage. My mare lived to be 30 and my husband only hung around 22 years. Somehow I think there may be a lesson here....A girl can always count on her horse!

I don't know that I can offer a lot of advice on your problem, but I will offer support and encouragement. It has got to be a frustrating problem. I honestly don't think the testosterone is going to help with some of the problems you described. It sounds like some of that stuff is due to a psychological problem. How was he brought up? How was sex regarded in his house as he was growing up? I just have a hard time imagining a man actually turned off by some of the things you mentioned. 

Hope you find answers.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I'm not so sure that the increase in testosterone will help with the "quality". Have you tried talking about it when you're not in the middle of doing it or it's not bedtime where he can roll over and fall asleep instead of talking? And when you discuss it with him, try to use "I feel" statements and let him know how it makes you feel and see if you can't come up with some type of compromise. Good luck!!


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## crazyhorselady (Jul 15, 2010)

Yeah, I've tried talking about it in "non-sexual" times. He generally won't talk about sex and the only answers he gives me are "I don't know." When I've asked for compromise, he basically says no. He says that this is just him and that I have to live with it. When I talked to him about oral sex and said that it made me sad to think that I would never get to receive it again, he said, "Well I never get to have sex with a blond again (not that he really wants to)." He just kinda sees it as the normal sacrifice of marriage and that since I married him, I have to live with it. I don't agree - I cannot become a blond (well not really), but he can choose to compromise on the oral sex and foreplay in general.


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