# A year married & I am miserable



## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

First, let me say that I love my husband & that he is the best in the world..but i just can't take the bad times anymore.

Here is the background, we live far away from all family members, which has it's pro's & it's cons. I am in weekly therapy dealing with my own life issues. My husband comes from a steady home environment, but I feel that they make people believe that what we all see is rosy but in fact it is not. He likes to remind me of the differences here, I always say that a modern family does not have to consist of 2 parents & that we got just as much love & support as he did. We did luck out, my siblings & I.

When we dated it was always on his terms, where he wanted to go, whom he wanted to hang out with...heck even when we were to be engaged & married, & now where we live. I love him so much that I didn't care..but I have a voice too.

My family (regardless of being 'broken') always seem to look at the brighter side of the picture whilst his is severely negative. 
He has 'inherited' this trait, so much so that I don't want to get pregnant & have our kids end up being negative. It is very hard to keep positive when someone is just beating himself up or others on a daily basis. 
I have noticed his negativity increases when he drinks. I have asked him to get help & to go for counselling, as he is aware of this negativity & it eats him up. His answer to me is that he can figure it out himself...but this has been going on for years..it is come to a stage now where he has driven wedges between family & us. He even brings it to work. I think that he thinks that he looks like a hard man when he gives off this attitude, I have tried dropping hints that it is so unattractive, as he is quite vain.
I can't be sad at all, or down in the dumps. Even when I thought we were pregnant & I got my period, he was a good support, but it faded quickly. I can't rely on a man who is going to choose when he wants to support me?

It has come down to this, he is well aware of how angry he is & of how negative he is but he won't get help. 
In a cry out for help, I tried hurting myself. I want to walk away but I love him too much. I know we can get through this, but sometimes my own self esteem is shot by him that I feel I am to blame. 

It is so crazy, cause when it is good, it is amazing (at these times I have to really focus on everything being ok & making him happy), but when it's bad (when he is drinking, down in the dumps, angry) I want it all to end. He did confess to me the other day that he is only happy when we are having sex. I am not a sex toy.
I just feel like maybe I created this! I feel like I settled, but I do love him. When its good it is good But I can't stay on this roller coaster.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

user79 said:


> When we dated it was always on his terms, where he wanted to go, whom he wanted to hang out with...heck even when we were to be engaged & married, & now where we live. I love him so much that I didn't care..but I have a voice too.


You should have started raising your voice while dating. What you saw is what you got. Love is not enough when someone always wants to be the "alpha dog" and the other partner is relegated to nowhere. As you are seeing, love does not conquer all.



user79 said:


> I have noticed his negativity increases when he drinks. I have asked him to get help & to go for counselling, as he is aware of this negativity & it eats him up. His answer to me is that he can figure it out himself.


Generally bad behaviors become magnified when one drinks because alcohol is a depressant and it lowers inhibitions. I'm married to an alcoholic; I am not saying your husband is an alkie, because he doesn't particularly sound like one from what you have posted. However, trying to figure out one's problems by oneself leads nowhere. Thus, your husband will continue to live with the pain until the pain exceeds the desire to reach out for help.



user79 said:


> It has come down to this, he is well aware of how angry he is & of how negative he is but he won't get help. In a cry out for help, I tried hurting myself. I want to walk away but I love him too much. I know we can get through this, but sometimes my own self esteem is shot by him that I feel I am to blame.


There is codependency and the codie's need to manipulate and/or fix a situation and person. But hurting yourself? I would suggest you seek counseling for yourself. No, it may not work out. YOU CANNOT MAKE YOUR HUSBAND DO A SINGLE THING ABOUT HIS ISSUES. HE OWNS THE ISSUES, NOT YOU. Step away from your husband, quit trying to "fix" him, and get help for yourself. 

You mention you are on a "roller coaster." Maybe I should ask how often your husband drinks, because he exhibits some of the classic traits of an alcoholic: he can tough it out, everybody else is to blame, appearances are all important, it's not his fault he has problems, and even if it is, he's man enough to fix them.

So is he drowning his anger and depression in a bit too much too drink?

He may be.

In the meantime, you need to untangle yourself from his issues long enough to look at your own. And what you have posted is a cry for help - FOR YOU.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Your husband sounds a bit like I think I was in the early part of my marriage. In my case the love and security of being married to a good woman helped me grow out of it (or at least so I like to think). Still married after 35 years now and currently amazingly happy. I hope you find the same happens for you.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> You should have started raising your voice while dating. What you saw is what you got. Love is not enough when someone always wants to be the "alpha dog" and the other partner is relegated to nowhere. As you are seeing, love does not conquer all.
> 
> I know that, I am well aware of my own downfall here. I was just so besotted with him, that I didnt care. And bar the fact that I was super happy with him, it really didnt phase me.
> 
> ...


I have, by getting help for myself. But it is so hard for me to get better when there is this hanging over my head.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> Your husband sounds a bit like I think I was in the early part of my marriage. In my case the love and security of being married to a good woman helped me grow out of it (or at least so I like to think). Still married after 35 years now and currently amazingly happy. I hope you find the same happens for you.


I hope this is true. I believe that it can be & that it is in our case. I just hope & pray that this is true.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

user 

It is true. I can make no promises that what applied for me will apply for anyone else but I can and will pray for both of you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

IDK. How can a post start out like this...



> I love my husband & that *he is the best in the world*.


And then turn into this...



> When we dated it was always on his terms, where he wanted to go, whom he wanted to hang out with...heck even when we were to be engaged & married, & now where we live





> My family (regardless of being 'broken') always seem to look at the brighter side of the picture whilst his is severely negative.
> He has 'inherited' this trait, so much so that I don't want to get pregnant & have our kids end up being negative.





> I can't rely on a man who is going to choose when he wants to support me?
> 
> It has come down to this, he is well aware of how angry he is & of how negative he is but he won't get help.





> He did confess to me the other day that he is only happy when we are having sex.


:scratchhead:

He's the best in the world? The BEST in the world?


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> IDK. How can a post start out like this...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I did not come on this forum to get attacked for my penmanship! Listen to me ....I am upset, confused, worried & therefore picking at points of my relationship to give you an insight so you can help...Obviously not....I am here cause I am broken! & if you are going to undermind me, well just keep your opinion to yourself! I would like to see when your upset how you explain yourself...Thanks for your offer of making me feel worse about myself!! Thank you


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> user
> 
> It is true. I can make no promises that what applied for me will apply for anyone else but I can and will pray for both of you.


Thanks for your support & your prayers


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

user79 said:


> I did not come on this forum to get attacked for my penmanship! Listen to me ....I am upset, confused, worried & therefore picking at points of my relationship to give you an insight so you can help...Obviously not....I am here cause I am broken! & if you are going to undermind me, well just keep your opinion to yourself! I would like to see when your upset how you explain yourself...Thanks for your offer of making me feel worse about myself!! Thank you


I'm sorry if I offended you. 

The description you give of your husband isn't one that would truly be described as the best in the world... you wouldn't be here if that were even true. He's someone you admit to settling for, flawed perception and all. He doesn't sound like a person anyone would want to be around, so I'm trying to understand why you tolerate it. 

He has made it clear he's not getting help for his issues. This means YOU need to make changes. You only have two options... suck it up and deal with it for the long haul or walk because this is NOT what you want for yourself long term.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

user79 said:


> I did not come on this forum to get attacked for my penmanship! Listen to me ....I am upset, confused, worried & therefore picking at points of my relationship to give you an insight so you can help...Obviously not....I am here cause I am broken! & if you are going to undermind me, well just keep your opinion to yourself! I would like to see when your upset how you explain yourself...Thanks for your offer of making me feel worse about myself!! Thank you


Okay, before you get even more upset, let me say that you came to this forum looking for support. However ... you also came looking for advice. It is normal for folks to question discrepancies in posts. They do it all the time here; but not with the motive to attack, but to clear up contradictions.

Many people will say, "I love him/her, but ..." then go on to describe someone who sounds like a cross between Godzilla and a sociopath.

I believe A Bit Much wanted you to see that you deserve to be treated far better, but you are having some denial issues about getting a handle on how bad things really are. Many of us have lived in pretty rotten relationships for a long time because the fear of leaving exceeded the fear of staying.

Your husband doesn't want help. Sure, it's hard for you to get better living in the atmosphere you're currently in. But you can learn, through counseling, to detach and then back up enough to take a clear look at your relationship. With a less emotionally-laden view, you can assess more accurately whether you want to stick it out or separate.

Understandably, you are not going to like all the responses you get here, but you can choose to ignore them, and take what you read with a grain of salt. I think you need to work at harnessing your emotions a bit. That takes time. So be patient with yourself and work on your own recovery.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'm sorry if I offended you.
> 
> The description you give of your husband isn't one that would truly be described as the best in the world... you wouldn't be here if that were even true. He's someone you admit to settling for, flawed perception and all. He doesn't sound like a person anyone would want to be around, so I'm trying to understand why you tolerate it.
> 
> He has made it clear he's not getting help for his issues. This means YOU need to make changes. You only have two options... suck it up and deal with it for the long haul or walk because this is NOT what you want for yourself long term.



Maybe, I should have waited until I was no longer upset to reach out for help/advice/comfort. I seek counselling for myself.

Our relationship like all others has ups & downs, but when its down, I think its a human defense & we attack all the negative aspects of it. I am well aware of what I wrote.

I thought that this forum might help me to understand more. I guess I was wrong. I thought someone may have had the same or a similar experience to me, tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel...after all isn't marriage about accepting each other, good & bad & working through it??/ Next time my husband & I have issues, I will wait until the sad emotion has well passed & write about our relationship so that everyone can understand it better....cause I can?

I didn't come here to be made little of, I know I made the choice to stay with & marry my husband even though I felt like he was in control of our decisions. I came here for help! I married the man I love(which is more important than where we live, etc..), we both have our flaws, I understand mine more clearly now..I need to understand his. That is why I am here.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

user79 said:


> First, let me say that I love my husband & that he is the best in the world.


Part of finding your voice means admitting the truth and this isn't it. He sucks and in hindsight you knew that. What's happened is you were broken and therefore you married someone who is broken. You are getting better and he isn't. 

My sincere advice is to keep working in therapy. In no time you will see that you likely married the wrong man when you were unhealthy. This will no longer be okay with you and then he will have a choice to make either get better or you're out of there.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Okay, before you get even more upset, let me say that you came to this forum looking for support. However ... you also came looking for advice. It is normal for folks to question discrepancies in posts. They do it all the time here; but not with the motive to attack, but to clear up contradictions.
> 
> Many people will say, "I love him/her, but ..." then go on to describe someone who sounds like a cross between Godzilla and a sociopath.
> 
> ...


Thanks, I apologize for getting defensive, human nature.

In this day & age the argument for & against counselling is great. For years I struggled until one day I turned for help. My husband disagrees with counselling, & since I am getting better I thought there would be an alternate way I can help him. Maybe I just need to step outside the box for a moment.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can't help him. The only person you have control over is YOU.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Accepting and living with a person who acknowledges but won't get help for their negative destructive behavior is NOT okay. How would one go about working on a problem together when one only of the partners will not participate in the work? 

No one can tell you what to do. You asked for an opinion about your situation. From an objective point of view, you seem to be hitting your head against a brick wall. He has to want to change and then make the efforts toward that change. It cannot work out and give you the happy ending you wish for unless he is 100% committed as you are.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> You can't help him. The only person you have control over is YOU.


 I am scared that the 'control' I am learning will make me leave, I do love him too much, but I also want to be happy & excel in my own way. I don't want to give up just cause he is not willing to get help. I do believe that he is my soulmate & we do have amazing love for each other, when it is good 98 % if the time it is the best! But when it is bad, that 2% over rules everything else..well for me it does..... I just can't cope when he gets depressed & down. I have learned skills over the last year in therapy that have helped me, but this factor of getting down I can't cope with much longer...well until his next bout. I want to help him see this, but he is casting a blind eye. I love him too much to walk away now, & I do know that eventually for me to feel good I may have to walk or stick it out.
If I could learn skills to just stick it out..well I would...but then that is fair to no one.

Excuse any contradictions, as I am upset & rambling....Lovesick, lost, confused & sad.....& many more emotions!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's true that you cannot change him. He has to want to stop the negativity all on his own. You said he doesn't want to get help. It's his choice. 

You can only work on you and how you react to him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

user79 said:


> I am scared that the 'control' I am learning will make me leave


I've had 3 years of therapy so I know this feeling. My husband and I were able to work it out but I've lost my parents and my sister plus a few friends. Being around toxic people was no longer okay with me.

I tried the 'stick it out' approach with these people for a while but I couldn't maintain it. I wasn't being genuine. Be patient with yourself. This is a process. Maybe your husband will come around or maybe he won't. Keep working on yourself and you will be just fine.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I've had 3 years of therapy so I know this feeling. My husband and I were able to work it out but I've lost my parents and my sister plus a few friends. Being around toxic people was no longer okay with me.
> 
> I tried the 'stick it out' approach with these people for a while but I couldn't maintain it. I wasn't being genuine. Be patient with yourself. This is a process. Maybe your husband will come around or maybe he won't. Keep working on yourself and you will be just fine.


I have had the same experience with therapy, but I gained strength in deciphering my relationships with people & I have distanced myself from the toxic ones and focused on good ones. Maybe that is where I am getting lost, cause I am now more aware of our flaws than ever, I am sure I am responsible for some, which I do take ownership...I need my husband to take ownership too.

I wish I could just snap my fingers & it will all be good again....My battle now is more in my head. It is what I need to do....to get better


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

user

How long have you been together? You say you have been married a year. If that is all the time you have been together it is still early days.

As you know, because of my own experience I have more hope than some of the other posters. Call me a ****-eyed optimist if you like but my wife usually describes me as a realist (not always sure whether she means this as a compliment or code for pessimist).


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

user79 said:


> I need my husband to take ownership too.


I thought that too but now I realize I don't. I state my boundaries, my needs and either my husband chooses to work on it or he doesn't. I don't need him to do anything I will decide how to proceed if he doesn't want to. Same thing with my family, friends, etc. These are MY problems not his. Once I learned to focus on me my marriage got better.

FWIW the first 7 years of my marriage SUCKED. Just sayin...and I was the negative one. LOL


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> user
> 
> How long have you been together? You say you have been married a year. If that is all the time you have been together it is still early days.
> 
> As you know, because of my own experience I have more hope than some of the other posters. Call me a ****-eyed optimist if you like but my wife usually describes me as a realist (not always sure whether she means this as a compliment or code for pessimist).



8 years.....together....Reading all posters inputs, it has dawned on me that I need to learn to cope with him. He has told me point blank that he doesnt seek or need help & that he can figure it out for himself. My doubts in our relationship only arose when I started getting help, & started getting confident & stronger. Maybe I am expecting the same from him, too fast, too soon? 
And of course his latest lash out could not have come at a worse time, my counselor is on vacation, & here was me thinking that I was getting better & near the end of my treatment, when I couldn't be more wrong..I need her now more than ever.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I suggest talking to your counsellor. If you have changed I am wondering if that may have unsettled your husband. If that is the case you may need to be patient and give him more time to grow with you. I believe your counsellor who clearly knows you far better than any of us do is best placed to help you.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I may have missed it, but how long have you been in counseling?


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I may have missed it, but how long have you been in counseling?


I Only started shortly after we got married maybe 10 months ago. I went for help because of his lash outs, but at this stage mainly *his family*, the newness of marriage, and some bad relationships (1 or 2 toxic people..but balanced off with many good ones), but we worked & are working on just me. I knew I needed help but I originally went to deal with issues created or partly created by my husband.

His behaviour is negative the majority of the time & he only lashes out at me & others when he has had one too many, this does not happen every month, more like every 3 - 4months, but it should ever happen.

He beats himself up so much about it that I just comfort him. I have tried on numerous occasions to help him understand that he has issues too that need to be addressed. 

But it is obvious reading posts here, that I cant change him but I can help myself. I know that ....but I am scared the the answer is to leave....I dont want that.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

tryingtobebetter said:


> I suggest talking to your counsellor. If you have changed I am wondering if that may have unsettled your husband. If that is the case you may need to be patient and give him more time to grow with you. I believe your counsellor who clearly knows you far better than any of us do is best placed to help you.[/QUOT
> 
> 
> I suppose I just need to wait until she gets back


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

User79 you have a similar personality to mine (getting offended by the snide comments). That's what I got when I shared my story with everyone on here...

How long were you with your H before you got married?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> User79 you have a similar personality to mine (getting offended by the snide comments). That's what I got when I shared my story with everyone on here...


Same here and I ended up using it as training. I needed to learn not to let people get to me so easily especially complete strangers on the internet.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> User79 you have a similar personality to mine (getting offended by the snide comments). That's what I got when I shared my story with everyone on here...
> 
> How long were you with your H before you got married?


I was offended at the start, but then re-reading it, & for others to realize that I only put a little bit out there( I took some of the negative & tried to balance it off by stating that I love him & his the best-of course now after drying my tears I can see the confusion), yes I felt it was an attack. But now after calming down, it was just another persons point of view & it wasnt their fault I only shared a bit of my story.


I was with my husband over 7 years before we got married. one year later, after counselling, I still feel like I am lost, maybe because she is on vacation & I need her more than I need him????.

& I do get offended by everything, I over analyse everything, I get very protective, I read into the smallest things & let my head get hurt. You would too if you had the stuff happen to you that happened to me:-(..which I am dealing with


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Same here and I ended up using it as training. I needed to learn not to let people get to me so easily especially complete strangers on the internet.



Yeah, definitely. It was a shocker for me because my marriage has been so screwed up compared to others. I got a talk about marriage "beating" so to speak when all I was looking for was advice. Unfortunately the question I had asked was ignored and I just got chewed out by everyone ha ha. But alas. I am still married and staying strong!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

user79 said:


> I was offended at the start, but then re-reading it, & for others to realize that I only put a little bit out there( I took some of the negative & tried to balance it off by stating that I love him & his the best-of course now after drying my tears I can see the confusion), yes I felt it was an attack. But now after calming down, it was just another persons point of view & it wasnt their fault I only shared a bit of my story.
> 
> 
> I was with my husband over 7 years before we got married. one year later, after counselling, I still feel like I am lost, maybe because she is on vacation & I need her more than I need him????.
> ...



Oh my friend. I know how you feel. My H doesn't drink, but he sure has pulled me and my family through the mud Jerry Springer style with his own "addictions". I am still standing though, trying to work it out with him. I have also made my own mistakes to contribute as well but his have surpassed the limit now. 

I am currently in the same spot you are. Should I stay and see if he will actually ever change? Or should I go and leave him in his own misery of what he has caused? I have been with my H for over 7 years. It is also a mystery for me what to do. You are not alone in this.

I have made one decision that I finally feel is concrete in my own mind. And that is; if he proves one more time that he cannot control his evil ways, I will leave, and I won't stand for it anymore. It feels good to have a boundary for once. I have always been here, riding the waves and getting sucked into his ways. But no more. I'm not sure if you are in that same position yet. But one thing I have learned the hard way, is that nothing I do or say can make someone change their conscience or mind.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Yeah, definitely. It was a shocker for me because my marriage has been so screwed up compared to others. I got a talk about marriage "beating" so to speak when all I was looking for was advice. Unfortunately the question I had asked was ignored and I just got chewed out by everyone ha ha. But alas. I am still married and staying strong!



It is good to hear that your marriage is still strong. I really see that future for my husband & I also. I have to realize that he is not a believer in getting help for himself, it doesnt make me love him or the choices we made any less. I just need to buck up or buck out....after I have reviewed everything! I am the sort of person that wants everything done yesterday, & I just want him to be better so we can both grow old together....

Support, inspiration that it can get better & an ear is all we need sometimes. Why help me focus on the negative? I think I need to listen to my own words here! ...I just want to make my marriage work, even if I am the only one that puts the effort in with counselling etc..with the help I am getting I can help him better himself? Isn't that ideal??? I am sure if the shoe was on the other foot that he would help me?
I just need to figure out how to help him.....


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Oh my friend. I know how you feel. My H doesn't drink, but he sure has pulled me and my family through the mud Jerry Springer style with his own "addictions". I am still standing though, trying to work it out with him. I have also made my own mistakes to contribute as well but his have surpassed the limit now.
> 
> I am currently in the same spot you are. Should I stay and see if he will actually ever change? Or should I go and leave him in his own misery of what he has caused? I have been with my H for over 7 years. It is also a mystery for me what to do. You are not alone in this.
> 
> I have made one decision that I finally feel is concrete in my own mind. And that is; if he proves one more time that he cannot control his evil ways, I will leave, and I won't stand for it anymore. It feels good to have a boundary for once. I have always been here, riding the waves and getting sucked into his ways. But no more. I'm not sure if you are in that same position yet. But one thing I have learned the hard way, is that nothing I do or say can make someone change their conscience or mind.



I think I was riding his wave for the last few years & I did OK with it until I went for counselling & realized it was not OK. Right now I am feeling a little better than when I first posted this rant, because of the positive support I got from you & others. 

Alot of the 'weak' decisions I made do reflect on my childhood. But I have paid that price already & I WANT TO STOP PAYING IT!

We are all only human. And I think we are all well aware of ****ty situations but we can only confront them when WE are ready. No one else, we can't be undermined, shoved, laughed at....etc..Until we are ready then we make that call . In the mean time we need to surround ourselves with the right network of listeners & advisors to help us.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

user79 said:


> Right now I am feeling a little better than when I first posted this rant, because of the positive support I got from you & others.


I used to rant all the time about my marriage on here (not so much now) to get clarity about what I needed to do. Before I'd go to my husband with both guns blazing wanting to DEMAND he take ownership of his part in this. Thankfully the good people here talked me down and I began to (with help) learn other ways of dealing with him. 

I'm married to a passive man not an angry one so my situation was different than yours. I did however recreate my parents marriage with me playing the role of controller and him being the doormat. That was the dynamic I had to fix before our marriage could get better. I had to think outside the box to stop the rut we'd behaved ourselves into which is NOT a quick fix.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

user79 said:


> & I do get offended by everything, I over analyse everything, I get very protective, I read into the smallest things & let my head get hurt. You would too if you had the stuff happen to you that happened to me:-(..which I am dealing with


Been there myself. I took everything to heart, and my feelings got hurt even when people didn't intentionally mean to hurt me. Give yourself credit for seeing where your issues lie.

This is just my 0.02 cents, so take it for what it's worth ... I think you are experiencing a great deal of inner turmoil. I don't think it has that much to do with your husband. Deep down inside somewhere, a little voice is probably saying, "I don't have to put up with this unacceptable behavior! No excuses acceptable for what he is doing! Bad behavior is just that - bad behavior!"

You are in love with the man's potential; what he could be if he got ahold of himself and sought help. So many times we see bits of the good and cling to it, in the hopes it will counteract the bad. We fall in love with WHAT IF rather than WHAT IS.

Eventually, when the pain of staying exceeds the pain of leaving, you will leave. 

Leaving may be what your husband needs for a wake-up call. Without you to project his anger upon, he may suddenly realize how much he values you. Right now, there's a lot of denial going on. At least you are getting help.

Hubs telling you he has a problem, but doing nothing about it is just blowing smoke up your wazoo. Watch his actions. Talk is cheap. 

I lived with a hard-core alcoholic for 10 years. He told me many times he "knew" he had a "drinking problem." He didn't get into A.A. or any sort of recovery program. I detached, released the RAGE I felt over the sh!t he pulled on me, and walked out the door. Never looked back.

That is the end of my story. Your's may end far differently. Just keep in mind that people have the potential for good and evil. Their lives. Their choices. We can't figure them out, fix them, or control them.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

user79 said:


> I think I was riding his wave for the last few years & I did OK with it until I went for counselling & realized it was not OK. Right now I am feeling a little better than when I first posted this rant, because of the positive support I got from you & others.
> 
> Alot of the 'weak' decisions I made do reflect on my childhood. But I have paid that price already & I WANT TO STOP PAYING IT!
> 
> We are all only human. And I think we are all well aware of ****ty situations but we can only confront them when WE are ready. No one else, we can't be undermined, shoved, laughed at....etc..Until we are ready then we make that call . In the mean time we need to surround ourselves with the right network of listeners & advisors to help us.


You are absolutely right. We are all only human, and it is good to have the right support to help us through. My mom always says to me, "take it day by day, do not be anxious for what tomorrow brings" I've lived by that for a long time now. 

Sometimes though, there comes a day where your today is an awakening...

I found that by the time I came onto this site, I knew that something had to change dramatically in my relationship with my H otherwise I was going to go crazy and I would not have come on here to get clarity. I can tell you are at that same place too as you have been going to get help already and by what you have said.

On that note, I hope that your today brings brighter tomorrows and keep us up to tabs on how things go. I'm here to support you as well as many others.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

user

as you will have guessed i am touched by your story. I see affinities between me when much younger and your husband (though not identical). Can I therefore leave you with one last thought before I head off to sleep.

My uncle, a very great man and now, I firmly believe, a saint in heaven, counselled many hundreds, probably thousands of people during his life. People sought him out from great distances because of his renowned wisdom. He was a priest. When he died I researched his life for a book. One thing I discovered he had said to someone has stayed with me ever since. It was this:

Love is stronger than fear.

People have responded to this by asking what we have to fear. Well I think the answer is that fear lies behind most of our problems. Fear of losing our loved ones, fear of failure, fear of losing our health, fear of poverty, of death. Your husband's demons (like mine) I suggest probably reflect some deep underlying fears. He may be so frightened deep down that he does not want to confront them. if this is case, that is the thought I leave you in the hope it may be as inspiring a thought for you as it is for me.

Love is stronger than fear.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Love is stronger than fear.[/QUOTE]

I think that is what has kept me strong throughout all of this. It is still confusing for me right now. I am battling the demon now of: I feel like this is wrong but I dont want to leave. Does that make sense?? 
As I said before it is brilliant when we are good, but I feel that, it is only good at those times when I do all the work. I feel like it is very one sided, & I am getting burnt out...for my own sanity .....
Heck I don't know...there is two little characters sitting on my shoulders: the one on the left is saying go & start your life again(but I cant picture it without him),....& the one on the right is saying, stay you are stronger than this & we can work through this together.....

Then I think maybe I push him to be the way he is because maybe I do want out?? So confused.....With all my counselling, I have opened up many new feelings, & some have just been too much to deal with...

I went to counselling at the start to better my life (which it has helped me understand things) but with this new found wisdom comes many other confusing thoughts....I am scared of the outcome...but what is to be scared of, if at the end of it all I am happy?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Relationships are like glass.

Sometimes it's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Relationships are like glass.
> 
> Sometimes it's better to leave it broken than to hurt yourself putting it back together.


It wasn't broken when I started therapy, it was great. Yeah he controlled when & what we did, but not in that crazy sense. I am guilty there for being passive just for an easy life. And now because of therapy I am stronger..all for the better, but I feel weaker in my head!! because of the demons.....

The faults & problems I find are all me over analyzing stuff, I am guilty of that in every aspect. 

I honestly think that I am just going through something in my own head & picking at us to figure me out(there is problems but there is also no problems???)....Or maybe you are right, for me to leave......... I don't know..I am questioning my own sanity...aghhhhhhhhhhh

I am not making sense now...even to myself...LOL


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

user79 said:


> It wasn't broken when I started therapy, it was great. Yeah he controlled when & what we did, but not in that crazy sense. I am guilty there for being passive just for an easy life. And now because of therapy I am stronger..all for the better, but I feel weaker in my head!! because of the demons.....
> 
> The faults & problems I find are all me over analyzing stuff, I am guilty of that in every aspect.
> 
> ...



I know what you mean. I've always felt I am far too passive and have allowed for my H to do as he pleases. But the funny part about that is....I don't allow people to do anything. I don't take part in trying to control people, so why do we have this feeling like we have done something to partake in another's decisions? 

It all seems to be connected to that fact that our H's do not have the ability to value themselves and in turn, they do not value others. This leads to them straying to something other than reality. I had this discussion in another thread too. I don't think our H's understand that we are not just a stepping stool for them to be happy. We are their partner in "fighting crime" we are their friend and lover. Not their enemy. 

Your H's own ability to contribute good things into your R has nothing to do with you being passive, or too kind, or too giving. You are who you are, and he takes advantage of your ability to love and be strong in an R. 

Does he twist your words around on you when you are frustrated with him in an argument? I'm just asking, because my H always tried to do this when I met him, and since then too. All the time. And with my H when things are great, they're great, but when things get bad, they're bad. He is very good at turning situations around to make it look like it's my fault. I have since become well aware of his manipulative ways and learned to have a "lawyer" like ability to stop him in his tracks and flip it back to what really needs to be talked about. I know now how he twists words and sentences. Uses my weaknesses against me. Does your H do any of these things? Because not all men do this. Only certain types do.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Maybe change the way you look at things. Stop with the "what ifs?" & learn to accept your husband exactly like he is. The way you describe some of his behaviors sound pretty bad & I for one would hit the road.

I know of what I speak.

My 1st H was very similar & I left....but you want to stay married to him forever so plan for what will make you happy with him which is to love the good times & all his good traits & find a way to accept (not necessarily like) the bad times & his flaws.

Good luck!


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

user

you asked if you make sense and the answer is yes, to me you certainly do.

You can achieve much with patience and perseverence. You may find that if you show your love when times are good and just ignore the bad as best you can then in time his behaviour will respond.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I know what you mean. I've always felt I am far too passive and have allowed for my H to do as he pleases. But the funny part about that is....I don't allow people to do anything. I don't take part in trying to control people, so why do we have this feeling like we have done something to partake in another's decisions?
> 
> I am so like this when it comes to others. I was used & taken advantage of for years but now I am very strong & don't let it happen..I learned to say NO to these folks.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Does he twist your words around on you when you are frustrated with him in an argument? I'm just asking, because my H always tried to do this when I met him, and since then too. All the time. And with my H when things are great, they're great, but when things get bad, they're bad. He is very good at turning situations around to make it look like it's my fault. I have since become well aware of his manipulative ways and learned to have a "lawyer" like ability to stop him in his tracks and flip it back to what really needs to be talked about. I know now how he twists words and sentences. Uses my weaknesses against me. Does your H do any of these things? Because not all men do this. Only certain types do.[/QUOTE]


Oh man does he, he will turn everything I say around! And twist things..But i have learned to stop playing into it. I try to approach things from how he sees it, still not successful but getting there.


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Maybe change the way you look at things. Stop with the "what ifs?" & learn to accept your husband exactly like he is. The way you describe some of his behaviors sound pretty bad & I for one would hit the road.
> 
> I know of what I speak.
> 
> ...



Thank you, it is the learning how to deal with this.....Or finding myself!


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Some of the posts in this thread have made it seem like you should've known that getting married was a mistake, which it wasn't and you shouldn't have. 

Marriage is difficult because somewhere deep down, we're all broken. We're all imperfect. We all have problems that haunt us, and as soon as we conquer one, an even bigger one rears its ugly head. Such is life in an imperfect world.

There are times when I screw up. Most men step into the realm of "the wrong man" at least a couple times in their married life. Part of being married is understanding that problems pass, as long as they are addressed.

That being said, if he can't or won't stop drinking, that may be a serious problem that requires special attention. I have to confess that this is not my area of expertise, but I do fully believe that if he could see himself in the mirror the way that you see him while he's drunk, he would realize he has to stop. The problem is he doesn't see it that way, and furthermore, he drinks so that he doesn't HAVE to see it that way.

Keep in mind that in the case of all addictions, something is lacking elsewhere which leads to the dependence. It may not have anything to do with you or your marriage, but right now your husband is missing something from his life and he is filling that void with alcohol. It might be self-confidence (that's my guess). It might be depression. It might be love. I don't know.

What I do know is that every marriage has a happy marriage buried somewhere inside. You might not ever find it, but it's there, and I believe that you will. 

I strongly urge you to stay together. From what you said, it sounds like there will be still darker times in your future, but take hope in tryingtobebetter's sentiment in post #3. Men have the capability to change, especially when confronted with a loving wife who by her very nature makes any and all faults apparent, not through accusation and nagging, but through honest love and good character. 

Stay strong, we're all here with you!


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## user79 (Aug 7, 2012)

jelichmann said:


> Some of the posts in this thread have made it seem like you should've known that getting married was a mistake, which it wasn't and you shouldn't have.
> 
> Marriage is difficult because somewhere deep down, we're all broken. We're all imperfect. We all have problems that haunt us, and as soon as we conquer one, an even bigger one rears its ugly head. Such is life in an imperfect world.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I appreciate this.
I do want to stay with him as I love him truely & deeply. I think he is aware of his demons, he just doesnt seem to be ready to address them. He was raised to not address them, that is where we differ I think, & I struggle with that. I just want all this angst to end. I need to turn the switch off in my head that makes me read into every little thing.....On/Off..if only it was that easy

Thank you all for your support


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

user

you are still in my thoughts and prayers.

jelichmann prompts a thought. The most powerful teaching is done by example. We all of us find it hard to be good and loving all the time. We are all merely human.

Just be the good, loving person you clearly are (or you could not have written what you have) and that in itself will have more effect than you might suppose.


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