# Can it be fixed?



## havetobepositive (Jun 23, 2009)

Hi I'm new here. Wanted some advice from people that have been through this. Reading through some threads it seems that my problem is quite common;the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" thing. 
Husband and I have been together for 6 years, married for 3. We had a baby girl in July last year, after a difficult 18 months trying for her. We went through tests and I ended up on clomid, which worked 2nd month of taking it. 
So in March this year husband tells me he feels like we're just friends etc. I agreed, with the trying to conceive then pregnancy and then the tiring first few months of parenthood our relationship had kind of taken a backseat.
We talked about what would need to be changed and these things were put into place. At first it was just that we needed to spend more time together as a couple and also as a family. 
6 weeks after this he said it still wasn't working and it was then I got the love you not in love with you. This completely shocked me tbh, I really didn't think it had got that bad. He was still being normal with me. We hardly ever argued, he was still affectionate etc. 
At first I was very hurt, angry and all the other emotions you go through. After thinking and talking lots we decided on some more things that needed chaging. One of the main issues was the fact that I had always been very clingy to H and was pretty dependant on him. I used to get upset easily if he was late home from work, if he went out with friends. Looking back I was silly to behave like that and had already started to change that since the baby had been born. 
In May we had a holiday booked toagther but I ended up going on my own with the baby. He said he didn't miss me as much as he feels he should have done. We are still living together now in the hope that the changes we, mainly I, have implemented will help. He has admitted he is a lot happier but his feelings towards me still havn't changed. 
I feel like he is being very immature and is scared of commitment tbh. 
I just don't know how long this can go on for. I love him so much but have told him if it makes him happy I will let him go. But he keeps saying he's not sure. Obviously he realsies he has a lot to lose.
Oh we went to one session of marriage counselling but in England they don't tend to give you any advice just sit and listen and be a mediator. We don't have any trouble talking so felt it didn't do us any good. If anyone from England knows of anywhere that will more please let me know. 
Oh and he said all these feelings started when we started going to see the fertility consultant, so 2 years ago now. Just wish he had told me sooner!
I have bought Nancy Wasson's book and find it extremely helpful. I am being positive throughout, not pestering him and generally just getting on with life, showing him I can cope. I have shcoked myself at how well I am doing!
Sorry for the long post, hope it makes sense! I guess I just wanted to write it all down and maybe get some advice. Maybe some positive stories?
Thanks


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

The stress and strain of trying to conceive a child, especially when you have to go to fertility clinics and go through all of that, can really wreck a marriage. It's cruel how the one thing that you strive for the most can cost you the one thing you thought you had.

This may be a rare exception to the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" rule that says there is someone else because of the circumstances. But, being cynical by nature and just to be on the safe side, you might look for evidence or clues that there is at least and EA.

To me it just sounds like the process of trying to have a baby really stressed the marriage. It's possible to get things back to where they were before but it's going to take a lot of work and patience.

Try and go back to the way things were before you were trying...go out on dates, find some romance, go for walks, touch, talk and laugh...enjoy one another and each others company. 

I would give it six months...if things haven't improved, then you might want to make your exit plan.

I wouldn't give up at this point...

Preacher


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I tend to agree with JDPreacher's post. However, I'm bothered by the fact you took a vacation and he decided to stay home. What was his reason? You may want to keep your eyes open. I would make sure there is no one else in the picture. 

You might also find the book, "The Five Love Languages", by Gary Chapman to be very help at this point.


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## havetobepositive (Jun 23, 2009)

Thanks for your replies. I have asked him numerous times if there is anyone else and he has always told me no. Others have also asked him and he has told him the same. I know most people would deny it anyway but I trust him and I can tell when he's lying. 
I was in a similar situation with my ex and it was my now dh that I had the emotional feelings for, causing me to leave my ex. He has reassured me numerous times that there is definitely noone else.
I went on holiday on my own to give us some space. He thought maybe that week away would enable him to discover what he was feeling and how he could fix it. It didn't work and here we are still plodding along.
We have made the decision to have a trial separation. DH will be moving out this week and living as we would if he decides the marriage is over. I am hoping so much that he will realise what he has and what he stands to lose. It will be stressful for him as he will still be paying the bills and mortage here and also his rent and bills elsewhere. He will also only be seeing our baby girl once a week. 
I don't want him to go but see this as the only solution now, if at all. He keeps crying all the time because of how much he is hurting me. He tells me he hopes this will help us to fix our marriage as that is what he wants. He wants us to be together if at all possible. 
I have told him he has to be positive, see this as a positive step. We have tried going out on dates etc, while we have been living together but he said his feelings still havn't changed. I just hope us living apart will help. 
I love him so much, can never see myself with anyone else. BUt I know begging and pleading with him to stay won't help. I have to get on with my life and show him I can cope.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

htbp, you have the right attitude. A week apart is only long enough for one person to enjoy the freedom from responsibilities that comes when you don't have to take care of a family and child, if you ask me. It's not nearly long enough to re-evaluate feelings about a spouse and one's future. The separation may help. Make sure it is long enough for him to be truly alone. I don't think the freedom from his child and responsibilities attached to her is a good idea, however; he will ALWAYS be a dad, even if he's not your husband. He should definitely have a few weeks of taking care of the baby on his own. That might be hard on you at first, but you can use the time as your own "mini vacation" to do what you want without the need to take care of a child. I'm always "on call" for our kids if I'm home; they don't ask their dad for help (b/c he'll say no) and he doesn't volunteer to help them either. So separation for me means some time to myself, something that has been in short supply in my life and, while I never thought too much about it before (I love being a mom), I'm actually pretty excited about it now. Most women I know have learned to love their time away from their kids, time to renew and rediscover themselves, even those who anticipated it with fear and loathing. So, make sure he doesn't get away with being childless, 'cause that ain't reality and he needs to know it.


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