# Mens opinion - is it controlling or respect



## Doe (Jun 17, 2010)

If I could get some mens opinions on this, I would really appreciate it. 
When you're wife is not comfortable with your relationship with certain people (namely another woman), and she doesn't want you to continue the friendship, ( especially if it's a new friendship, not a childhood friend), do men consider this to be your wife is trying to control you, or tell you what to do, or do you see it as she expects you to respect her feelings about something she doesn't like.


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## Imbwj (Jun 20, 2010)

A wife's concern when her husband has a new friend of the opposite sex is a valid one. He will say, she is just a friend, you have guy friends don't you and you aren't having an affair.
He may not be having an affair either, but his friendship with this new friend could easily wind up becoming intimate. If your husband respect's your feelings at all he will back away from the new friend and protect his marriage. If he doesn't respect you, he will continue on with his new friend and probably wind up having an affair. You may want to try putting the shoe on the other foot (literally). Pick the best looking guy you can find and be his friend or if your not comfortable with doing that find an on line friend and be sure to let your husband know that "It's only a friendship, nothing serious is going on". He will get the message and he won't like your new friendship at all. Your husband will then decide for himself that his friendship with his new friend maybe wasn't such a good idea.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Controlling.. so you think your wife's intention is simply to control? Umm really?? 
Drop the labels, put down keyboard and listen to her.

Eveyrthing is "point of view" or subjective (agree with hunt brown). 
How would you feel if your wife had a nice new man friend. If it didnt cause a tinge of jealousy or concern then you're one of three things....
1. Very secure in your marriage and know nothing could ever come betwee you both.
2. Simply don't care at all 
3. Completely oblivious (and maybe believe No1 hahaha)

I personally like to continually ask to myself and my S.O. "Why" about things.

"Why" do you think your wife would not want you to have a new girl friend?
"Why" is it that she may be threatened by that?
"WHY" do you feel the need to make new girl friends knowing it makes your wife uncomfortable (is there something missing?)
"Why" have you not made her secure as to fall into category 1 above? 
"Why" dont you spend time talking to her to figure it out and ultimately respect her concern?

Bicker about what she's saying on the surface, label it as "controlling" and that's where you'll stay and play... on the surface. Never getting to the root and more critically important, never getting a really close understanding relationship with your wife.

I had a female friend while married, the wife hated it. I felt I needed some other input and felt that the female gave me perspective which helped my marriage, but honestly I was not putting enough effort into making a solid love and friendship with my wife and it made her uncomfortable and was in fact a barrier to any betterment of the marriage. Not saying female friends are out of bounds because females and female point of view and perspective is invaluable with EVERYTHING in life.
(we are merely here fo their amusment,, they are WAY the smarter sex hahaha)

But if you're not in a place from a marriage standpoint that would allow you to have a female friend (provided that if your marriage were perfect you'd even want one.).... find out "WHY"


Thats another man's opinion.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Imbwj said:


> A wife's concern when her husband has a new friend of the opposite sex is a valid one. He will say, she is just a friend, you have guy friends don't you and you aren't having an affair.
> He may not be having an affair either, but his friendship with this new friend could easily wind up becoming intimate. If your husband respect's your feelings at all he will back away from the new friend and protect his marriage. If he doesn't respect you, he will continue on with his new friend and probably wind up having an affair. You may want to try putting the shoe on the other foot (literally). Pick the best looking guy you can find and be his friend or if your not comfortable with doing that find an on line friend and be sure to let your husband know that "It's only a friendship, nothing serious is going on". He will get the message and he won't like your new friendship at all. Your husband will then decide for himself that his friendship with his new friend maybe wasn't such a good idea.



so this works both ways, right?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

define "relationship".

I am friends with women at work. We go out after work together with others, go to lunch together, sometimes by ourselves when others in the office aren't available. My wife is OK with that.

Would she be comfortable with me talking and texting them off-hours (for anything other than business)? Probably not.


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## Doe (Jun 17, 2010)

I should explain, that I am the wife. We've been married 21 years, and it's been great. We are at a point in our relationship where our kids are grown, and now it's time for us to play and enjoy life. Recently we were on a business trip. This women tried to befriend me, but I didn't like her much and avoided her. She befriended my husband, and she poured her heart out to him about her marriage troubles and how she's going to file for divorce. They exchanged numbers so that he could help her. (He has a big heart and wants to help the world). He told me about it, and showed me the texts so that I knew what was going on. After about a week, I felt my husband crossed the line and got VERY personal with the questions he asked her. I know his intentions were good, but non the less, to me it wasn't appropriate. There were a few other things too that I felt was inappropriate. After that I had a BIG problem with his friendship with her. He knew I didn't like it and was upset about it, but he kept saying that he is doing nothing wrong, (which I know), that I had a jealousy problem, and that he asked me about this relationship before, and i told him it was ok, now in the middle of her problems, he couldn't just dump her, that would devastate her. I needed to work on MY problem. He also said that he was going to help her through this, and if she decided to leave her husband, then he would be helping her through that, because she will need alot of emotional support, if she decided to stay with her husband, he was going to tell her to stop communicating with him out of respect to her marriage and husband.
He talked to her more than a month ago, and she was on the fence, but said her husband was trying hard to do the right things, seeing a marriage counselor, and in talking to her, he felt she wanted to stay with her husband, etc. it appears to me that she has made her decision and is staying with her husband. I've told my husband this, she hasn't made any mention of her situation in the few texts she's sent him in the last month. So I asked my husband why he still has her number. It's not that they text all the time, he's probably gotten, 4 or 5 texts from her in the past month. 
The issue is that I don't like her, and it really upsets me that he can't respect my feelings about it. I think she has been decietful with him, and is just looking for attention, and pity. His opinion is that I don't own him, he is not my slave, he is not a puppet, he only answers to one person, God. His intentions are pure. ( which I know my husband, they are pure) My opinion is, something is upsetting me, and as my husband, he should be respecting my feelings. I'm not saying he has to agree with how I see things, we all know men and women see things differently, but to not acknowledge my feelings and how i feel, is hurtful. I trust my husband, I know he has been faithful to me for 21 years, and I know he loves me, those are not the issues for me. I've changed a lot of things after getting married. I changed the way I dressed, I changed the way I interact with people, because I am now married, I don't put myself in situations where men will get the wrong idea about me. My husband is a flirt, even though I don't like it, I've never told him to stop flirting, I have told him, that he is sending the wrong message out sometimes, and that will put him in a situation that he doesn't want to be in. I've changed my friends. I believe that our friends should be couple friends that we can do things together with. I don't have any just MY friends, and I don't think he should have any just HIS friends, when it comes to the opposite sex friends. I feel this is the way to keep peace, and not run the risk of having any issues down the road, or hurt feelings. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against him talking with women when we're out and about, I just don't think he should be exchanging numbers.


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## Doe (Jun 17, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> define "relationship".
> 
> I am friends with women at work. We go out after work together with others, go to lunch together, sometimes by ourselves when others in the office aren't available. My wife is OK with that.
> 
> Would she be comfortable with me talking and texting them off-hours (for anything other than business)? Probably not.


Hi Chris, 
I think it's perfectly fine when you are at work to befriend men or women, even going out to lunch with your co-workers. So you acknowledge that your wife probably wouldn't be ok with it extending to after hours, how would you take that. That she is trying to tell you what to do, or would you respect her feelings, and not do it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Doe said:


> Hi Chris,
> I think it's perfectly fine when you are at work to befriend men or women, even going out to lunch with your co-workers. So you acknowledge that your wife probably wouldn't be ok with it extending to after hours, how would you take that. That she is trying to tell you what to do, or would you respect her feelings, and not do it.


I would consider her opinion and if she felt uncomfortable, I wouldn't do it.

I think the relationship is inappropriate on a couple of levels. First, you are uncomfortable with it and he has to decide whose feelings are more important... yours or hers?

Second, he's not a marriage counselor. granted, most of us on this forum aren't but there's a huge difference between anonymous advice and discussing personal relationships with someone you know. It's not his place to be giving personal relationship advice to other women.

He should have stated earlier that she should seek counseling and wish her the best.

As for the tree pruning analogy, my wife doesn't want me climbing the trees to cut branches. She feels there are people better suited to do it, that the risk of me doing it (considering I'm the breadwinner and her lover) is too great and she worries about me.


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## Doe (Jun 17, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I would consider her opinion and if she felt uncomfortable, I wouldn't do it.
> 
> I think the relationship is inappropriate on a couple of levels. First, you are uncomfortable with it and he has to decide whose feelings are more important... yours or hers?
> 
> ...


That's how I feel. I have expressed that as his wife, my feelings should be first. I've also said, that he shouldn't give anyone advice, there's always 2 sides to every story. While I feel she's just looking for attention and pity, a counselor would talk to both of them and help them. For all he knows she could be the problem in the marriage. That's their business, and I really don't care. If he can't understand his own wife, how can he help or advise another women. 
Hunt - my analogy is this, if he was crossing a street and didn't look both ways, and if I saw a car come barreling down the street, shouldn't I yell out watch out? 
He is not my child, but as my husband, someone I love and care for and worry about, I would expect him to yell out watch out to me, if he saw something that I didn't see, I wouldn't think of it as he was trying to boss me around or tell me what to do. Nothing wrong with looking out for someone you love. I suppose then if I do something he is not comfortable with, and he speaks up, I should feel that he's exerting some authority over me? In marriage, there is no authority over the other.
While the issues started out with his mishandling and saying the wrong things to this women,(many things have been said between them, that is TOTALLY inappropriate. I don't want to bore you all with all the little details, I'm trying to keep it short) I've expressed my feelings about it all to him, and it isn't the issue so much any more. I'm hurt because he doesn't understand, and is focused on "I'm trying to control him".


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Call me old fashioned or simplistic but think that opposite sex friends can be potentially dangerous to a hetorosexual relationship. I am all for trust, giving your spouse some space but i think caution should be headed in some instances. 

People who say that a healthy relationship can tolerate and trust this situation where others have a "freind" what happens when the marriage has problems for whatever reason. For the sake of clarity let's call the person with the "freind" as the "friendly one". The friendly one has a "fall back plan" if you will. Since many people (especially as they get older) don't like being single. Having a friend (which on some level you may think, suspect or know could be more) may undermine your motivations/desire to work through the difficult times that are BOUND TO come at some point or another in ANY MARRIAGE. 

As a man who is freindly sometimes my freindlyness can be missinterpreted as being flirtatious. I would be a big liar to say that on some level i did not enjoy enjoy engaging women in conversation and on some level enjoy when there is some sexual tension. I would be niave to think that my wife doesn't feel the same way. Having said that I while intriguiging, exiting and flattering to me I stay away from relationships like that. They are dangerous! I think people do have same sex relationships that are trully platonic however, many of these relationships have some sexual tension as one may have desires but, are ignoring them or not acting on them. 

My wife and i both travel on business and on guy/girl trips and trust eachother. I think that it is good to have lives apart for the sake of sanity and the marriage itself. My wife has put the kabosh on relationships with females in the past before we were married. I denied that there was anything there (i was being stupid/niave). As it turns out the women/relationship made very bold, advances on me. While i resisted her advances and I was flattered. Looking back on some level perhaps i should have seen what my wife saw/suspected. 

I think many "friendly" spouces conveniently ignore their attraction to the other person or the other persons attraction to them for the sake of falsly maintaining its status. While still in a "strictly platonic" relationship their true assement of their relationship to themselves and their spouse is in my humble option is incorrect. They do so because: 

1) They are flattered or excited by the relationship on some level
or 
2) It gives them a sence of security that they have a "plan b" if the marriage doesn't work out. 

This may be on a conscous or unconscous level i think this sometimes happend. 

I would imagine that people that work in fields that have more opportunity for establishing opposite sex relationships are more vulnerable to cheating etc. 

Personally, if your husband wants to save the world he would be better to volunteer for the boys club, greenpeace or whatever. Why should he feel compeled to help this women? I can't help but, think that she could have been making advances on your hubby. If it were an old friend that who's relationship were time tested to be strickly platonic ...different story. 



While he may trully have a big heart and the best of intentions, i still feel like this type of behavior feeds his ego. It may even give him some excitement if there is sexual tension no matter how subtle. I think his commitment to you and your concerns should trump his need to engage in a manner you are describing. 

Not sure how to advise how to address but, don't think your concerns are out of line. I will say there is a big differnce between being "controlling" and asking for your H to dissengage from a relationship that is uncomfortable for you.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Why do we feel inclined to label a genuine concern as an act of controll? This is bunk! 

I once called my friends wife on her cell because he was not available. He made a joke/comment about it that had a tone that he was not cool about it. I have known both of them for years and not sure why he had a hangup with it. Nevertheless i respected and followed his request even though it was rediculous. 

She acknowledges and accepts his being freindly and flirtacious and she seems not to object. This is more understanding than some wives are. If i exchanged number with some women i met on a business trip that wanted marital advise, getting a divorce my wife would not be ok with that and she would have every right to object and I would respect that and kill the correspondence. Really, who gives a flying F---- if some random stranger is going to be devistated. With all due respect to his wanting to be helpful...come on! 

In fairness you should examine other areas where you could legitimately trying to be controlling. It could be that this is one of many instances where you are trying controll him and he is standing his ground on "this one" You need to find out what he feels.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Hunt Brown said:


> and are you being reasonable? by your own admission, no. he's trustworthy, he's the straightest arrow in the quiver. he is a good man and a good husband, so...
> 
> the real question is why? why do you want to control his behavior? clearly something about this relaitonship alarms and frightens you and rather than deal with what ever the fear is, you want him to behave in a way so that you don't have to experience it.
> 
> ...


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## BrooksPublicationCom (Jun 29, 2010)

Hi,

Because of the high regard that I have for my
wife and our marriage,if my wife would tell me
that I was doing something that pained her and
I could do something to take away that pain I
would do it in a heart beat.

Why would I want to do something that I knew
bothered her.I would not want her to do that
to me.

There is a big difference between controlling and
respecting someone.To me control means that you
are trying to keep them within a box for YOUR
OWN PURPOSE,you are ONLY concerned with keeping
them in that box whereas to respect someone means
that you value their opinions and feelings,they 
are a priority to you.When you respect someone
you don't make decisions based just on what you
want but you consider how this will affect your
spouse and your marriage.

Marriage is a relationship but is also a 
partnership.In partnerships there are specified
goals that are wanted to be achieved,these goals 
can only be achieved with mutual cooperation,
responsibility and respect.

The Very Best To You,
Brooks


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## Doe (Jun 17, 2010)

I don't think it's so much about what I'm afraid of. This women lives 2500 miles away. To me he crossed the line with a woman he only had a couple of conversations with, and asked her way too personal questions about her sex life with her husband. He explained why he asked those questions, but it doesn't matter. Whatever his reasons were, it's not appropriate. That's when I started to have a problem with it. He said he was going to help her till she made her decision, she has obviously decided to stay with her husband, at least for now. He was supposed to tell her when she made her decision that out of respect to her husband and marriage, they should cease talking. that was more than a month ago, and he still has her number. We had a big fight the other night, and once again I told him, that I am not comfortable with any of this. He said he's not going to watch over his shoulder everytime he talks to a woman, to make sure I'm not getting upset. But I explained to him, I have no issues with him talking with women, I have no issues with him flirting with them, even though I can't understand why, I told him that I don't think he should be exchanging phone numbers with women. I wouldn't go out to a party, talk to men, then come home with their phone numbers. What would he think. When we were first married, I had friends that he didn't want me associating with. Out of respect to him, and he came first, I dropped my friends. Friends that I had before I met him. He says that was when he was young and jealous, he no longer is jealous. This woman he just met, and I am hurt and upset that he wont give me the same respect, and pick my feelings first. So I guess in a sense it is a power struggle. A struggle for him to give me the same courtesy and respect. 

I noticed that he was always hogging his phone, all of a sudden his phone never left his side or his pocket. He would get a text and laugh or make a comment. When I would ask him what it was, he would ignore me, and act like he didn't hear me, and never did tell me what the texts were about or who it was from. This was going on at the same as I was getting upset over this friendship. When I asked him about why is he hogging his phone, at first he denied it, but then he said he was trying to do something for me and it was a surprise, and just asked me to bear with him. I believe him. after a couple of weeks when it was still happening, my mind went wild, with all sorts of theories as to whats happening. I talked to him, and he saw how worried and upset I was, so he told me what it was, and he also said that I blew it, and the surprise was over. The timing sucked. Well if the surprise is over, then he has no reason to hog his phone anymore, but he is. How should I feel? Is he still working on the surprise, or is he communicating with his friend? The seeds of doubt got planted, and it's hard to shake it off.

My husband was my best friend, and we told each other everything. Now he wont tell me everything, and that makes matters worse. How do I know if the line is being crossed again. 
Some of you said that rather than trying to get him to see where I'm coming from, I should work on changing myself, then it wont bother me so much. To me that means lay down and let him do what he wants. I've always been a docile wife, and have never gotten into arguments with him. I don't like confrontation, so I usually stay quiet. He always complained that I never spoke of my feelings, and now that I am, he wants to shut me up. I start to discuss whats bothering me, and he walks away, because he doesn't want to talk about it. I've told him as my best friend, I have no one else to talk to about this, and if I have to talk about it 20 times, then that's what I have to do. It's like he thinks if he ignores it, I will finally get over it. It's been 2 months, I haven't been able to have fun with friends, talk with him like I used to, I've just been depressed, and sad. 

He has other female friends here locally that he talks to once in a while, or in a couple of instances has gone to lunch with them to help them with their problems. I didn't have a problem with it. He has their phone numbers in his address book, I dont tell him to cease those relationships. It's just this one rubbed me the wrong way and crossed some lines that I am not good with.

She befriended me on Facebook when we got back from our trip which was in May. She has never posted any messages to me on Facebook. Why? My husband says I have the wrong idea about her, that everytime she texts him, she always asks about me and says how much she likes me. I've told him, she doesn't even know me to like me, I spoke with her for not even 5 minutes and I couldn't wait to get away from her. I also told him, that if she is telling you to say hi to me, why doesn't she do it herself on facebook, she always comments on other friends remarks, but has never commented on mine, or private messaged me to say hi.

Bottom line, I guess I'm old fashioned and believe when you are in a marriage, you don't have friends of the opposite sex, that your spouse is not friends with. It keeps things simpler. No misunderstandings, no putting yourself in a bad situation.

Sorry for the length, I really did want to keep it short, but once you start, you can't seem to stop.


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