# Confusing Signs



## needhelp1976 (Apr 14, 2012)

We have been married over 20 years. Over a year ago, my husband told me he was seeing another woman. He moved out of our bedroom and dated this other woman for several months and then after several months, moved out of our home into hers.

I wanted to keep my marriage together but gave him space. While he lived with me during the time of his affair, we flirted, laughed and even had sex.

Even though my husband moved out, he still comes back to our home. On many occasions we have sex. We do not talk about the future of our marriage. And, many times after sex, my husband leaves quickly and then will not contact me again for weeks. This has gone on for over a year now.

I am confused about the situation I am in now. I love my husband and would like to try again to see if we can have a better marriage. Our sexual relationship needed help. Now, our sexual relationship is more satisfying but his affair continues.

I know that many people will tell me to give up. But I do believe his affair will end eventually and maybe we can try again. 

I want to save my marriage and make it better than ever. Any advice?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

needhelp1976 said:


> I am confused about the situation I am in now.


You are the OW now.
No confusion anymore.

He loves cakes on the side, only changed his primary source.


Learn to respect, love yourself. Be kind to yourself.

You deserve better. Be that woman. Chose. Now.

File, go NC with him. Plan you life without him.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

How would he like it if you had an affair?

He would not like it. He is not respecting you or his vows.

I think you should file. He may wake up, but he is very selfish.

I would stop his fun on the side. 

He is messed up to think it is okay to do this and be so selfish.

I think you still want him in your life. I am trying to figure out why.

Start the 180 for yourself.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

You're confused because you think that by having sex with you means he still loves you. It only means he knows how to get you to have sex with him. Time to file and find your self respect..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

His affair will most likely end and he will come running back to you if he thinks you won't mind being second string.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

needhelp1976 said:


> I want to save my marriage and make it better than ever. Any advice?


What marriage?
You haven't been in a marriage for quite some time. 

Make an appt to see a lawyer then make an appt for individual counseling. You need both of these much more than you need doofus.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

plz tell me you don't have children. 

as someone already said, you don't really have a marriage anymore. you're his fvck buddy, not his wife.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

He doesn't see you as his wife, soulmate or partner. You are nothing more than a booty call to him. He knows this and will continue to treat you as such until you stand up for yourself.


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## Dredd (Apr 16, 2014)

I realize its hard to do, but you need to move on. A man that continuously cheats on you for over a year isn't worth keeping around. Granted, you've allowed this behavior to continue, but all the same, he needs to go. You need to develop more respect for yourself.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I find it disgusting you would have sex with a man who is in a committed relationship with someone else. Where are your morals?

Three peas in a pod. They all deserve each other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

All it means is that he's having sex with two women -- at least. He's a cake eater. I hope you have periodic STD tests.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

OP, when you discovered his affair, you should have let him know that you will not be treated poorly and will never be his plan B. He never had to face losing you and think deeply about that possibility. Instead he knows that he can just have you anytime he wants, at his convenience. 

If his relationship with his current partner fades, he may come back to you for awhile, but with the caveat of trying to find another replacement for his current partner. If you stop accepting this behavior and stop seeing him, you will gradually regain your self-esteem and someday look back and wonder why you wasted so much time waiting for such a selfish and cruel man to come back.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> I find it disgusting you would have sex with a man who is in a committed relationship with someone else. Where are your morals?
> 
> Three peas in a pod. They all deserve each other.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe you're right, but I don't quite agree. I don't have any sympathy for the OM and doing the same thing to her is a bit of poetic justice in my view. In addition, according to the OP, they are still married.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No sympathy for any of them. They stopped being married when (1) he left the marital bed. (2) moved out of the house and (3) moved in with his girlfriend. The fact that a court didn't dissolve the marriage is trivial. It might be poetic justice, but two wrongs don't make a right. Not to mention the STDs the three of them have swapped.

Hubby is a contender for scumbag of the year no doubt. These ladies reap what they sow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

If you won't divorce him over this, you won't divorce him over anything.

You might as well just wait for him to get tired of his fling and come home. That seems to be all you think you deserve. 

That is an issue no advice can fix.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

needhelp1976 said:


> I want to save my marriage and make it better than ever. Any advice?


You want him back? Cut off his source of cake. THAT is how you get him to want you back.

"Hon, you know I love you and I want you, but I can't share you any more. If you want me, you'll give her up. Until you do, you ain't getting any more of this."


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

OP... sleeping with him only feels good in the moment. He is physically using you to make himself feel good, and he has cut you so deeply into your self worth, that you allow it.

He wanted to be with someone else. Let him be. Stop fighting over him like a prize... He isn't worth it. 

You will feel so much better if you just let him go... There is no marriage here to save. Just some sick a**hole getting his rocks off by taking advantage of vulnerable women. I can tell you have a kind heart. Give it to someone who will give theirs in return.


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## needhelp1976 (Apr 14, 2012)

I have tried to stop the sex but when my H comes to our home, my willpower dissolves. I have tried NC but my husband will reach out to me or come over unannounced.

I do respect myself but agree that I am to blame for my part in the situation. 

I do not want to be the one to file for divorce and make it easy for him. I do not believe in divorce. I realize that divorce is just a legal process and that we don't have a marriage anymore.

We have two kids in their twenties - they do not know about the sex. They just know that their father is living with another woman. The OW doesn't know about the sex either as far as I know.

I am dependent upon my husband for financial support which complicates the matter. In addition, I love my husband and want my family back together.

Haven't any of you been stuck in a relationship that you know needs to change but can't find a way to make those changes?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

needhelp1976 said:


> I am dependent upon my husband for financial support which complicates the matter.


Bullshyte. You own half of your family's assets. You just have to get your lawyer to get it for you.

needhelp, I don't know what you want from us. You KNOW the answer, but you say you won't do it. Not much we can do for you if you won't be the adult and do what needs done.

I already told you that if you want him back you have to stop feeding him cake. Period. If you're going to let 'my willpower dissolves' rule the rest of your life, it's your choice. But know that you have no room to complain, then.


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

needhelp1976 said:


> I have tried to stop the sex but when my H comes to our home, my willpower dissolves. I have tried NC but my husband will reach out to me or come over unannounced.
> 
> I do respect myself but agree that I am to blame for my part in the situation.
> 
> ...


He has not lived at home for over a year and is living with the other woman now. Change the locks. Let the other woman know he is still coming over. Stop relying on him for financial support. It has been a year... do you work at all ?


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## TurtleRun (Oct 18, 2013)

turnera said:


> Bullshyte. You own half of your family's assets. You just have to get your lawyer to get it for you.
> 
> needhelp, I don't know what you want from us. You KNOW the answer, but you say you won't do it. Not much we can do for you if you won't be the adult and do what needs done.
> 
> I already told you that if you want him back you have to stop feeding him cake. Period. If you're going to let 'my willpower dissolves' rule the rest of your life, it's your choice. But know that you have no room to complain, then.


:iagree:

You have to either accept you are the other woman now or just divorce him. I do not see how you will win him back since you are being a doormat.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

needhelp1976 said:


> I have tried to stop the sex but when my H comes to our home, my willpower dissolves. I have tried NC but my husband will reach out to me or come over unannounced.
> 
> I do respect myself but agree that I am to blame for my part in the situation.
> 
> ...


Tell the OW about the sex.

Then do the 180 on your husband.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It sound like your old man has to pay a lot of money to get laid once a week. If I was supporting you I would at least get it more then once a week.

As this comment not help you much. It is coming from a guy who thinks your husband is one lucky guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, start your own thread.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Honey, you're just a little nookie on the side. How can you live with the fact that your "ex" is only using you as a quick lay, and then going back to his "true love?" FILE!!! The courts will make sure you get the financial support you need. He's never going to file for divorce. Get that through your head. He's having too much fun this way. Get some self-respect and cut him loose permanently.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When my dad started cheating, my mom kicked him out. He tried the single life and realized all he could get was middle-aged women with kids. So he tried to come home. She told him to stuff it and divorced him. Spent the rest of her life happy.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Have some fun for a change NeedHelp. 

Put some fire in your belly. You're living in a vortex called hope. 

Tell OW he's sleeping with you as well. . . I didn't read all the posts but I'm presuming you haven't and if not it's insane that you haven't. 

He thinks he's James Bond. Time to put an end to that.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Cake is delicious OP. He loves eating it.

But this situation is extremely unfair to you.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You are the affair partner, not his wife. 

Sex does not equal love or that he even wants a relationship with you. He enjoys the physical release that sex brings. Thats it. 

Good luck to you. Hope you can find some self worth soon.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You have been on TAM since April 2012 and this is what your husband said back then:


*I'm trying my best not to shove my desire for independence in your face. It's hard to do that when you stay up late waiting for me to come home, hang around like this morning where I had to leave in front of you. Clearly you aren't trying to live your own life as well, still hoping for me to do something, still trying to get my attention. That's not going to happen. Maybe I haven't made myself clear enough to you. Let me try again.

There is something I need you to absolutely understand, because I fear you don't. You spent so much energy worrying about another woman that you have failed to really see what is happening here. This is NOT about some other woman. This is NOT merely a mid-life crisis, having-a-fling thing. This is 
NOT something where you wait around for me to get it out of my system. And despite what those people on that website have been telling you, this is NOT something where I might notice you again, get interested in why you're staying out late, "want to come back to you" etc. This was NOT done on a 
whim. And this is NOT temporary. I will live the rest of my life absolutely alone before I will settle for anything less than the kind of life and love that I'm looking for, and have no problem doing so. 

I want to live my life. I want to find my happiness. I want to find my kind of love. I do not want to sit around wasting time, getting old, waiting to die. And I certainly don't want to die without ever trying. I want to spend every moment I can trying new things, experiencing new things, living life. 

You and I have a special relationship, a special friendship. That should not change. I've asked you several times if you need me to move out, and you've always answered no. From the look on your face this morning, it appears that you will not resign yourself to seeing our relationship as 
partners and friends and living that way. And for whatever advice you're getting, which is either bad advice or good advice that you are not heeding, the message I'm receiving is you cannot move forward with me living there with you. *


Here it is two years later and it has only gotten worse. You won't file because you don't want it on your conscience:scratchhead: Yet you allow this idiot to continue to manipulate your emotions. And your grown children don't know about the sex but they know their father is living with OW, :scratchhead: All I can say is that you made a choice two years ago to take the financial support as the principle factor in this relationship, and your husband is fine with this as. You have gotten good advice on your earlier threads and honestly other then hitting you up against the head with a two by four, I doubt if anything any of us here on TAM recommends will get through to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. Didn't realize.

I'll change my advice. 

needhelp, he obviously sees you as nothing better than a payday booty call. But what's more tragic is that you have no self-worth and think he's all that matters.

How sad for your children. When they could have had a mother the last 2 years who enjoyed life with them in their new adulthood, you robbed them of that by obsessing about a POS man unworthy of respect, let alone desire.

You have only one job, as far as I can see: find a good psychologist and start going every week to find out why you act like the sh*t he wipes off his feet. Do it for your kids, if not for yourself.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

NeedHelp... you are so much better than that a-hole. You only have one life... why are you allowing him to continue to do this? 

Rip the bandaid off... it hurts for awhile, but you can't heal if you keep letting him pick off the scab.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What you are doing now is making things easy for him. 

If you file for divorce you will be making things hard for him.

Go see a lawyer. Find out your rights and what financial settlement you are likely to get. Then have him served.

After he's served call the other woman and let her know that he's been having sex with you all this time. That will put a thorn in their relationship. It will most likely end it.

Then get busy.. find a place to do volunteer work.

Start a new career. 

Make friends.

Get a life


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