# What does my husband WANT?



## Happily (Feb 6, 2014)

Hi all,

I'm new here. I've been lurking for a couple weeks, but you all seem like a friendly bunch, so I finally got up the courage to post. I'm a bit nervous about it because I feel like talking about the inner workings of a marriage is such a private thing, but I'm still new at this, and I so badly want to get it right. I guess I'll jump right in. 

I've only been married for about nine months, and in most ways, it's everything I thought it would be. I've been head over heels in love with my husband since our third date, and he really is a very good husband. He treats me like gold, and it's obvious (not just to me!) that he loves me very much. 

But the thing about my husband is that he just doesn't need me. Not one single tiny bit. I do work, but he's the breadwinner by far. He can cook and clean (after a fashion...) and entertain himself. He can fix anything around the house. Even when it comes to sex, I feel like he'd be just as happy handling his own business as he is having sex with me. 

Don't get me wrong; I don't want a simpering man child who follows me around and hangs on my every word. I find his strength and independence and confidence very attractive, and I'm not threatened by it in that I'm thinking, "Oh no, he's going to leave me if I can't keep him hooked." We have a lot of trust and genuinely enjoy each other; I don't think he's going anywhere. It just bothers me a lot that I don't feel like I have anything to offer him. 

We're both pretty direct people, so I've asked him point blank why he married me. He says because he loves me. I've asked why. He repeats because he loves me. 

Part of me feels like maybe this is one of those make believe problems that teenage girls make up in their heads. (It's been quite awhile since I was a teenage girl, but it seems like that sort of trivial drama.) The other part of me is obviously concerned enough to be posting this. 

I guess my reasoning is this. Put very simply, I married my husband because in my eyes, he's the best person I've ever met. Of course he makes me angry sometimes, and we certainly have our squabbles, but I adore him. But... I'm pretty sure he doesn't see me that way, so even though I don't question that he loves me, I don't understand WHY. It never really bothered me before, but now I'm desperate to know so that I can do more of it! I feel like many of my attempts at doing something special for him fall flat, and I can never be sure when I'm doing something right. 

Sorry this turned into such a convoluted rant. It's been difficult for me to identify what exactly has been bothering me. Does anyone have any advice? Or words of wisdom?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sounds like a great guy. Actually, he sounds like my dh, except for the part of doing sex himself. Dh definitely wants me for that.

Some men are independent, like your dh and mine. We are actually extremely lucky. Can you imagine being married to a man you had to carry? 

So you want to know why he loves you. And all he says is that he loves you. I think just being yourself is enough to keep his love. I don't think you have to worry about "doing" something, or "continuing to do" something.

This is your lucky lifetime, OP. Enjoy your marriage, and always, always, always show your dh in word and deed how much you appreciate him (lucky man!).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Happily said:


> We're both pretty direct people, so I've asked him point blank why he married me. He says because he loves me. I've asked why. He repeats because he loves me.


My suggestion is you quit over-thinking this and accept him at his word.

For someone considers herself "direct people" you are certainly twisting yourself up in knots trying to figure out if there is more to what he says than what he says. 

Direct? Believe him. Don't go looking for problems that don't exist. Seriously.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm going to third, fourth and fifth that.. 

I'm just getting out of a marriage where literally, I carried him. I was responsible for our marriage working, our sex life working, the bills, my job, the kids, the house, his relationship with his family, his relationship with his exwife, his relationship with his kids from his first marriage.. 

you tired yet? B/c after 10 years, I'm freaking EXHAUSTED.. That man did nothing but leech life, love, energy and happiness out of me.. 

And at first, he gave back love and affection, but if I wasn't managing all of the above to his liking, well, then, no love or affection.. 

It was hell.. 

I would LOVE for someone to say they simply wanted to be with me b/c they loved me and wanted to BE with me.. 

Please don't overthink it. Enjoy it. Enjoy some "me" time, b/c you CAN. And then have some "US" time. B/c you can... 

B/c someone who needs you is nice, until they need you to do EVERYTHING..


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

He's not interested in sex with you after only nine months of marriage?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Maybe his love languages and emotional needs are more about affirmation and quality time together than acts of service? Have him take the questionnaires (they are both online) and see, it might show you that you are giving him what he needs to feel loved even without doing those specific things for him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> I'm just getting out of a marriage where literally, I carried him. I was responsible for our marriage working, our sex life working, the bills, my job, the kids, the house, his relationship with his family, his relationship with his exwife, his relationship with his kids from his first marriage..
> 
> you tired yet? B/c after 10 years, I'm freaking EXHAUSTED.. That man did nothing but leech life, love, energy and happiness out of me..
> 
> .


I am so sorry, brown eyes. So many women have gone through this. And yes, I feel your fatigue, right through your post. You have all my sympathy.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Hi Happily, and welcome to TAM. 

Seems like your husband loves you for how you make him feel. Isn't that enough?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I have to wonder if you don't struggle to believe he loves you, not because of anything he's done, but because of how you see yourself. You say you struggle to see what you have to offer him. That really sounds like someone who feels very little self worth.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

breeze said:


> I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I have to wonder if you don't struggle to believe he loves you, not because of anything he's done, but because of how you see yourself. You say you struggle to see what you have to offer him. That really sounds like someone who feels very little self worth.


Yeah, this was me. The longer I am on TAM, the more secure I feel. Stick around, OP.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

People have different emotional needs.
Quality time, gifts, conversation, recreational companionship, physical beauty..... 
IF you read "His Needs Her Needs" or the "5 Love Languagues", you may see some of the things he is getting out of his marriage to you.

You are not having a need met also by him, so those books will help you figure out how to put that into words.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

breeze said:


> I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I have to wonder if you don't struggle to believe he loves you, not because of anything he's done, but because of how you see yourself. You say you struggle to see what you have to offer him. That really sounds like someone who feels very little self worth.


:iagree:

This is the crux of it, I think, OP sounds somewhat insecure because she is questioning why he loves her and she feels she doesn't "offer" him anything.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

Love is a gift, why would my partner choose to share this gift with me? Early attraction morphs into love as we offer vulnerability, trust and intimacy in a relationship. A secure partner will not seek to fill the space that marginalizes their individuality for the sake of the relationship. An anxious partner will leap into this space and wonder why their partner isn't leaping right with them. This is a romantic approach to marriage, summarized by the "you complete me" ideal. This is a common occurrence when an anxious partner marries a secure partner. The secure partner serves to anchor the anxious partner with love, kindness and patience. The anxious partner wonders if they are truly important in the relationship, because the secure partner does not react in the way the anxious partner expects. 

What to know what you husband wants? .... ask him. I am reasonably certain a secure partner will answer he wants an open, honest and loving partner. Be that partner every minute of everyday and expect the same in return. What else could anyone ask for? Kindest Regards-


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jung admirer, do you know why secure people marry insecure people (anxious people)?


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

You are a very lucky woman! He is with you because he WANTS to be with you, not because he needs to be with you!  Just keep looking at it that way. I mean, wouldn't you rather that be the case? 

I think this is probably more of an emotional issue for you where you need to be needed. You need him to place value on you as opposed to realizing your own value. Does that make sense? 

And believe me, I am happy taking care of my own business too (and sometimes I prefer it) but don't think for one second that I would rather be with the person I love. My toys don't exactly connect with me emotionally or snuggle up afterwards. 

You is what your husband WANTS -- and yes, also needs. 

Try not to devalue yourself so much, sweetie.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Happily said:


> ...
> 
> I guess my reasoning is this. Put very simply, I married my husband because in my eyes, he's the best person I've ever met. Of course he makes me angry sometimes, and we certainly have our squabbles, but I adore him. But... I'm pretty sure he doesn't see me that way, so even though I don't question that he loves me, I don't understand WHY. It never really bothered me before, but now I'm desperate to know so that I can do more of it! I feel like many of my attempts at doing something special for him fall flat, and I can never be sure when I'm doing something right.
> 
> ...


It is a very caring post and you do sound like a lucky couple. I cannot recommend anything to you reliably, sometimes things are good.

My wife might have written something similar at that stage, in which she refused to do anything that would make my life easier. When I asked her to do these things, she would conclude she was there for me and I was lucky she gave emotional support (but not actually do anything). So, if he is directly telling you he wants something do not dimiss that he wants the thng he is saying. If not, then he is probably thankful to have a very caring wife.

The weakness that you may be struggling to put your finger on is that he feels the need to give and struggles to accept. Many girlfriends will keep a scorecard in their head and remember everything they do for their man, he may have grown used to this and is careful not to fall to far in the red. Unfortunately for you, this means that he hides any vulnerability and puts pressure on himself.

Be caring, be generous as soon as the chance arrives (it will, life is like that).

PS Just to add that your attitude is admirable.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say, Happily, just a question: When it is time for sex or intimacy, who usually initiates?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I could be your husband, and my wife has the same complaint.

We are with you because we want to be, plain and simple. Nothing wrong with that. In the end, hardly anyone truly needs any given other person anyway. Realizing that doesn't mean we love you or enjoy your companionship any less.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W and I had a discussion like this somewhere in the past, and I told her that if I didn't want to be with her, she'd KNOW it...because I would be an impossible pr*ck to live with.

I'm not nice to people that I don't want in my life (if I have a choice in the matter, that is).


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My STBW as expresed similar feelings to me as well. I am very independent in that I can happlty do my own laundry, cleaning, I am a good cook, I can fix most anything around the house, I have a good paying job and remember to pay bills on time. All the day to day living, I can be completely self sufficient.

She is by no means a domestic goddess, and she'll be the first one to tell you that, but in every other relationship she has had, she has been the one to manage the household, maintain it, do the chores, and be the stable bread winner. I am the exact opposite to anything she has ever known. I do my share of the domestic thing, most of them really, and she is somehwhat out of her element with that.

In my 5 love languages profile, gifts and acts both scored zero. Time and touch were both 11, and words were 8. That's what I need from her. To want to spend time with me, to snuggle, hold hands, kiss, let me run my fingers through her hair, gaze longingly into eachothers eyes, make love, and hear her tell me she loves me. All those things I can't do for myself. It really is that simple.


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## Happily (Feb 6, 2014)

Hi everyone,

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that so many of you took the time to respond to my post, and a lot of you really gave me things to think about. 

I took the 5 Love Languages quiz online last night and had my husband do the same. I fell pretty much where I expected, scoring the highest for Quality Time, and one point below that for both Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. My husband's scores surprised me initially, but actually might go a long way toward explaining my predicament. His highest score was in Acts of Service, followed by Quality Time, and then Physical Touch. 

The thing is, I spend basically all of my spare time working on our house or running our errands. I do my best to make sure that when we're both home from work together, there's nothing that needs to be done, so we can just spend that time together. So I think like some of you suggested, I really have been giving him what he wants. I just don't see it as a big thing, so I don't count it. 

F-102 - I try to initiate more often than he does, but if I initiate, it's less likely to lead to anything, if that makes sense. I think that plays a big part in all of my concern about this. 

It's like...

Sometimes I want to do something really nice for my husband for no particular reason. Just to say "I love you," just to say, "thank you for being such a great husband." 

I could initiate sex, but he only really wants sex when he wants it. 

I could buy him a gift, but he has pretty much everything he wants. (Or I'm already planning to give it to him for his birthday.)

I could plan something for us to do together, but he generally doesn't want to go unless we're hanging out with his family. 

I already clean the house, do the laundry, and run our errands. There's not too much more I can take off his plate. 

So, while I don't feel like there's actually anything terribly wrong with our marriage, I often feel like the only "special" thing I can do for him is just leave him alone! He tells me that he's happy, and I do believe him. I'd just like to be able to do something for the person who does so much for me. That's all.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

So is there something you can do that is not normally on your list? 

My guy loves that I fold his underwear, make the bed, and sometimes shovel snow or cut grass. It's that extra "something" that makes him go from loving me to cherishing me.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

When a man appears just as happy to take care of himself sexually in addition to all those things I would wonder about his ability to be vulnerable and truly attach.

Allowing people to do things for you and being able to receive love is just as much a part of a marriage as giving love.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your husband and mine sound a lot alike, and it is frustrating to try to figure out what to give the man who truly does not seem to have any needs or wants. You feel kind of useless. And you don't understand why other folks are having so many problems in their marriages.

Really, people like you and I, instead of wondering about those things, could use our spare energy to start a business or some other big project.

But if you are like me, you'll probably find so many interesting things to read and comment on here at TAM, that you'll put off any big projects for a while.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This guy seems too independent.

Interdependence is what marriage is all about.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> This guy seems too independent.
> 
> Interdependence is what marriage is all about.


No doubt she should just throw in the towel and kick him to the curb ASAP. Independent types shouldn't be getting married in the first place.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Yeah. That's what I said. 

:screwy:


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

clipclop2 said:


> Yeah. That's what I said.
> 
> :screwy:


It wasn't exactly clear what you did say, so I took a guess.

Independent people can find marital happiness just like any other personality type, given the right partner.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If they are both happy, yes. She isn't.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Happily said:


> ...
> 
> I already clean the house, do the laundry, and run our errands. There's not too much more I can take off his plate.
> 
> ....


There are women who would complain about being oppressed on the back of that. Things are OK


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## Microwavelove (Sep 11, 2013)

I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you just want some type of practical reason to feel needed. My advice, don't over think it and don't try to create reasons to validate yourself in your marriage. You have been married for such a short time, most likely life will give you enough circumstances that the reasons why you actually "need" one another will become more apparent over time. In the meantime, just enjoy where you are right now.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

If acts of service are his top love language, that's quite an easy one. Do extra things for him that he would usually do. Make his lunch every day. Bring him tea/coffee/without being asked. Make him breakfast. Basically extra things you wouldn't usually do, even though he's perfectly capable of doing them. Look for ways to make his life easier and sweeter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

A wife's search for meaning...


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Hmm, acts of service being a number one would make me a little exhausted to be honest, but from the sounds of it, he seems quite happy with things how they are. I'd still share the housework if I were you, but do little things here and there to spice things up, like the cuppa without being asked as someone else mentioned etc.

Don't forget that unless his first need scored hugely higher than any other, there are other needs that can be worked on.


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## Happily (Feb 6, 2014)

jld said:


> Your husband and mine sound a lot alike, and it is frustrating to try to figure out what to give the man who truly does not seem to have any needs or wants. You feel kind of useless. And you don't understand why other folks are having so many problems in their marriages.
> 
> Really, people like you and I, instead of wondering about those things, could use our spare energy to start a business or some other big project.
> 
> But if you are like me, you'll probably find so many interesting things to read and comment on here at TAM, that you'll put off any big projects for a while.


Funny you should say that. He's been working a ton lately, so I've been pretty much just hanging around the house. After doing one of my "big cleans," I was bored, so I baked a couple loaves of banana bread. Then I had a friend over because she wanted to learn to bake cookies. Now I'm out of eggs, so I'm planning and pricing out a major bathroom remodel (and hanging out here on TAM, of course)!



Mr The Other said:


> There are women who would complain about being oppressed on the back of that. Things are OK


Haha, I admit to not always being a saint about it, but I usually don't mind. He works (at work) more than I do, so I do a lot more at home. 

But truth be told, last weekend when he left trash on the counter SIX INCHES from the trash can after I'd been cleaning all day, I thought I'd lose it. Then he told me that the reason he'd left it there was because there was an "emergency." In his video game. While I was cleaning. Almost killed him, but five minutes later, we were good. 



Microwavelove said:


> I understand what you're saying. It sounds like you just want some type of practical reason to feel needed. My advice, don't over think it and don't try to create reasons to validate yourself in your marriage. You have been married for such a short time, most likely life will give you enough circumstances that the reasons why you actually "need" one another will become more apparent over time. In the meantime, just enjoy where you are right now.


Thank you! I've wondered if a lot of what I'm grasping at is just something you grow into as your marriage progresses. I do tend to get ahead of myself. Thank you for such a reassuring post. 



breeze said:


> Hmm, acts of service being a number one would make me a little exhausted to be honest, but from the sounds of it, he seems quite happy with things how they are. I'd still share the housework if I were you, but do little things here and there to spice things up, like the cuppa without being asked as someone else mentioned etc.
> 
> Don't forget that unless his first need scored hugely higher than any other, there are other needs that can be worked on.


I'm glad I'm not the only one who found acts of service to be exhausting! It's not that I mind doing the lion's share of the housework, but I'm also not trying to turn myself into the maid, you know? And while I know that he appreciates the fact that I do these things, I think his appreciation is more, "Good, I can play my game," and not, "Wow, she did all of this for me?" and that last one is what I'm shooting for. I've never hit on anything that elicits that type of response. I can and do pack his lunch (complete with a note), vacuum and dust nearly every day, take care of the dogs in the morning so he can just get up and go, help him shovel snow, wash, fold, and put his clothes away. This year, I did the Christmas shopping for both sides of the family without him even knowing it until he suggested that we go to the mall, and I told him that the shopping was done. I try HARD. 

His secondary need is quality time, which is my primary need. Since it's my primary need, I'm always trying to make it happen, and he always feels we get plenty. Physical is tied for second for me, and a somewhat distant third for him, so that's largely the same story. 

I think overall we have a good marriage and do a decent job of meeting each other's needs. I don't think either of us is unhappy or anything like that. I was just kind of looking for a way to give my husband that same "Wow, I'm lucky" feeling that I get from him, but maybe he just isn't wired that way. Oh well. 

Thanks again, everyone, for all of your insight. The 5 Languages quiz was especially helpful.


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## Outofluck (Feb 9, 2014)

Some men don't or can't express themselves very well. When he says he loves you, I'm sure he loves several things about you. Some men really don't know why. Sometimes it is just having that bond with someone that you know has your back. I wouldn't get to worried about this. Start worrying when he stops saying "I love you."


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