# Need advice on how to deal with my situation, before I go crazy...



## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hello everyone.

I´ve been reading these pages for about 2 years and generally am able to cope with whatever happens in our relationship, but this time my bearings are all over the place. I really can´t recognise myself, compared to the man I was a few years ago. As a bit of a background:

- We´ve been together 15 years, never married
- 2 children, 13 and 9
- We moved back to our home country 6 years ago, after living abroad for 17. It was tough on everyone.
- I started my own business, my wife started a new job.
- Starting up was very hard, but it was harder not seeing my wife for weeks on end. She totally dived into this new job and, despite several chats about it, she seemed to never listen to my opinions and would always find a reason to not be home on time (she would work 12-14 days for the first 4 years). She travelled a lot and was always tired.

I understand that her job is demanding and she was trying to prove she was worth it, but on the other hand, was I, starting a business form scratch and at the same time having to be with the kids. Take them to school, pick them up, bathe them, cook dinner, go to PTA meetings, and all that goes with having children.

My wife was so absorbed in her world that we started drifting apart. I tried being as helpful as I could be, as much for the kids as I was for her. I would even charge her laptop the night before and checked her in for flights because she would be sleeping on the sofa, being as tired as she was. I was always the romantic, trying to come up with ways for us to be together, but tiredness or her job would overcome all my ideas.

I started to get really down, not performing professionally as I wished, my business slowed down and I was genuinely falling down a hole. It´s as if no one listened to me, but yet, I had no escape - kids were first.

I made a huge mistake - I met someone (I wasn´t looking for anyone, it simply happened) with whom I connected and for the first time in about 4 years I felt genuinely happy. I was smiling again. She made me feel there was hope, she made me feel love again. It didn´t last long, and we never had any physical (sexual) contact. We liked each other´s company and we liked feeling valued by one another. It was painful, but I ended it. This wasn´t the way to do things. I felt bad going behind her back, even though, by this time, I hated the very sight of my wife. I did tell my wife I was leaving (even without the other person in my life) and it was as if she woke up from a coma. None of our previous arguments worked to change her behaviour. In fact, it came to a point that as soon as any of us said "we need to talk", we would automatically shut down. Amongst all the commotion, she did find out about the other person. She was livid, and with good reason, because I was stupid enough (not only because I actually did it) but by not telling her what was going on - there was no excuse for what I did. At that point, she was ready to leave, she wanted to take the kids too.

She never left and confidence was slowly restored. I think, deep inside, she understood the reason for me to want to leave (even though she will never forgive me for what I did, and I understand that).

Things got better but slowly started to get back to where they were. She has now even more responsibility at work, working not only long ours at the office, but also from home. This year, she had to cancel 2 weeks holidays on separate occasions, due to work commitments.

Her life revolves around work, it´s her main responsibility. When she´s home, she´s so tired that everything gets left behind. She was´t like this before...

As we speak, she told me that she would leave early today (she´s travelling again and staying away for a whole week, then another whole week after that, but it´s almost 8pm and she´s still on her way back. This is constant.

She almost never cooks, it´s always me, she lays on the sofa after her day and falls asleep pretty quickly. She then either sleeps on the sofa, because she doesn´t have the strength to go to bed, or wakes up in the middle of the night and drags herself to bed, when I´m already sleeping. Sexual contact only happens if all the planets and stars align, which is usually when she´s on holiday (rare). She rarely initiates and, to be quite honest, I´m tired of being the one initiating and suggesting. She says so her self "I don´t make efforts to have sex if I don´t feel like it, I´m too tired. Either I feel like having it or not, and if I don´t, there´s no point".

I do honestly try to rationalise this and find explanations for her behaviour: "she´s tired, she works really hard, the office is not that close to home, she travels a lot, she has a lot of responsibilities, but I still love her and will have to put up with that". But it comes a point that I can´t seem to fool myself anymore. This feeling of revolte is stronger than me and I feel depressed all the time.

We´ve been saying that it would be good to move closer to where she works, but it´s been 5 years and we´re still here. We never seem to have the time.

I´m even trying to find a 9-5 job so I can force her to be more careful with her schedule, since she relies on me being flexible with my business and really abuses it.

I have no ideia what to do. I feel trapped, I know I still love her, but I´m on the edge of mental illness!

How do people cope?..

Help...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Why are you wasting your life away with this woman? It's not like you have a relationship with her. After all this time, you must realize that the only thing you did that made any difference was when you attempted to end it. Stop settling. Dump her and find someone who wants a relationship with you.


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## Trakz (Aug 9, 2015)

Well,

First,I think you both need to decide if you still want this marriage. 

The kids are the both of your responsibility. So I think she needs to figure out how to either quit the job or work a whole lot less.

Finding a 9-5 job could work but I don't really get the feeling that she's going to allow that to interfere with her own job. Right now,she seems to have chosen the job over her family. Getting her to stop working so much will no doubt be a challenge.Personally,I think it's pretty cut and dry. It's either her job or her family. Sounds like she's on the path to losing one. 

IF you can get her job to stop,I would suggest some serious counseling. 

I don't really know how much advice there is to give that you don't already know. Things need to change with her job.

Maybe you can tell her you want a trial separation and get back together in a month and see how things are. Maybe after some time away she will decide your family is more important. Honestly though,I don't really see this ending well.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

I used to love working on my business, connecting with people and was on the right track. All that changed. It's a chore for me now, but I know deep inside that it's a direct result of this stupid life we live. I have no drive right now. My whole day is spent thinking "why?"

She loves, I mean, loves her job, and she goes into a hypnotic state whenever she's at work. Rarely are the times she finds 20 seconds to ring me during the day. I used to ring and send txts, but she's busy and she hardly replies. I stopped it. She's a different person when we're away on holiday, which doesn't happen often. But life isn't just made of that one or two weeks holidays a year. We never go out just the two of us, even though I suggest it quite often.

We had this idea of moving back to the country we were living before. Life was much better balanced (we moved because of family issues), but if we do, she will just relocate with the same company. I don't know if we should give it a shot or not. My heart says yes, but I SO burnt with these past years, feelings are different, I, myself became a different person in the process. I was such a happy guy, now it's all resentment.

I keep thinking how in the world can she work 50 hours a week, sleep for 40, and still doesn't have a single hour to be with me as a couple. We average 2 hours a night together on the sofa, and by then, she's fast asleep. She goes above and beyond at work, why can't she be 1/3 of that to me. I sound like a little cry baby, don't I?.. All I can think of is that everyone that knows her at work sees this energetic woman, doesn't matter if she works 3 or 4 hours extra a day, ready for everything that may come her way, she volunteers for anything that might bring her value, but what I see at home is someone constantly tired and not in the mood for anything but sleep. All I hear is "I'm so tired, by back hurts", etc.

If I say anything, her reply is that "it's my job, that's the way it is".

I want to to fix it, I really like her, love our family, but it keeps chewing up my insides slowly.

It's so difficult.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I can never understand why people put up with so much unhappiness and misery. Staying together to be a family and putting your kids thru all the crap, does no one any good.

Even if you are not married you still have rights with your children. So her saying she leaving with the kids just does not cut it. 

See a lawyer, draw up custody agreement. May preparation to separate. You are already a single parent it should not be that hard for you.

You wife is married to her job and is not likely to do anything to change this situation. You having an EA and telling her, did not change anything. You telling her to change is not going anywhere.

So you have to take the bull by the horns and make a move to separate.


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## Trakz (Aug 9, 2015)

StillTheOne said:


> I used to love working on my business, connecting with people and was on the right track. All that changed. It's a chore for me now, but I know deep inside that it's a direct result of this stupid life we live. I have no drive right now. My whole day is spent thinking "why?"
> 
> She loves, I mean, loves her job, and she goes into a hypnotic state whenever she's at work. Rarely are the times she finds 20 seconds to ring me during the day. I used to ring and send txts, but she's busy and she hardly replies. I stopped it. She's a different person when we're away on holiday, which doesn't happen often. But life isn't just made of that one or two weeks holidays a year. We never go out just the two of us, even though I suggest it quite often.
> 
> ...


I understand loving your job but this is a situation where she is showing she loves her job more than she loves her family.

I highly doubt she can take the kids anywhere. She is far too busy for any court (with a sane brain) to give kids to anyone who doesn't care to make time for them.

It's time for a wake up call. She loves her job more than she loves her family. If the situation is sucking this kind of energy out of you then it's time to take yourself out of the situation.

As brooklynAnn said. See a lawyer,draw up the papers and prepare for a separation. She needs to see that this life she's trying to lead doesn't work and you and the kids are not going to be subject to it anymore. They deserve to have people around who are interested in them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm trying to figure out why your wife is so immersed in her work.

Before you returned to your home country, was your wife a SAHM for a few years? 

How much of the child care and housework did you do before moving back?

What percentage of your joint income is your wife earning now?

Some companies today require long hours. For several years my company required 50-60 hour weeks... and at my level I don't get over time. They got in some trouble over that so now they say that we have to work 43 hours a week and we are not required to do unpaid overtime. Instead we just need to get all our work done. And this of course requires that we do overtime. Is your wife stuck in this sort of situation?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*For the very sake of those precious kids, why aren't you two taking an honest stab at MC? You have some serious joint problems that really need resolving before things could really reach an even more sordid level, moreso than they are now!

With no real jump into the world of infidelity and deception, this R seems like it could be totally salvageable if you both really set your minds to it, doing it preeminently for those kids welfare!

They love you both! Are they not worth it? *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Sounds like your wife is married to her job. From what you've written I don't even see a relationship between you. What are you to her? What is the point of being married? Most people marry because they love being with their partner. They envision a future where they're holding hands, laughing, enjoying life together.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

This is a tricky situation. Unless your gf truly chooses the family willingly, forcing her to choose you guys over her job can result in future resentment that might destroy the relationship.

Also, she is losing this opportunity to bond with her kids. Someday they will grow up distant, adults only care to interact enough with parents if they had good relationship with them. She won't have this time of their childhood back. Was she ever told of this?

If she chose to have kids and a home with you then you can't be the only one doing everything. You also work, so you are not a stay home dad having to deal with everything.
Assuming that she can choose less demanding jobs then it's her responsiblity to deal with all the extra hours and efforts.

And she can't say that it's her job so "that's how it is". She chose this way of career just as she also chose to have a family. People can't go along, plant seeds (seed of career, seed of family) and expect all plants to grow well if she only takes care of one plant (career). The other plant can witter and she has to assume the consequences.


You guys really need to talk about this, and if it doesn't work try counselling.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I'm trying to figure out why your wife is so immersed in her work.
> 
> Before you returned to your home country, was your wife a SAHM for a few years?
> 
> ...


Hi EleGirl

Before returning, she worked full-time, then, when we had our first child, she reduced to part-time (20-30 hrs a week). Later she returned to full time employment. Even then, it wasn´t like it is nowadays. She has always been very focused, but nothing like it is now.

We always shared responsibilities with the kids. I used to do most of the cooking because she isn´t that great at it, but she helped. Baths, bedtime routines, trips to the doctors, school runs were all shared. Housework in general, she isn´t very home proud. I´m more organised and like to see the house minimally tidy. I also ironed clothes (if it needed doing, went grocery shopping we both did), etc. There is nothing I can´t do around the house, really.

Income split nowadays is 60-40, her being the highest earner. It used to be 70-30, with me being the higher earner.

I know her job is demanding and her too doesn´t get any overtime, but she does go above and beyond. That´s probably why she went up in the company in a fairly short space of time. She is a robot when she´s at work. She also brings work home. If she has a day off during the the week, I make sure I stay home with her, but she ends up picking up her laptop and working. That drives me nuts. I can´t really let her know what I feel anymore, because I did it so many times that she just blocks it out completely, not to mention she always finds a reason to justify what she´s doing.

There´s always something going on all year around - Xmas Sales, January Sales, February (Carnival) Sales, Kids Holidays Sales, Back to School Sale, Halloween... "It´s my job, it´s how it is", she says.

I don´t want a SAHM, I´m not that kind of guy. I helped a lot to reach the stage where she´s at, I´m aware of that, and it´s biting me in the behind now.

Even as we speak, she´s leaving for another trip to HO, which is in another country. She´ll be back tomorrow night, but the next day she´s off again for another whole week. The week she´ll be away was supposed to be one of her two weeks holiday, but this opportunity came up and she simply couldn´t say no. It made me boil inside, but it´s something that a lot of people don´t have the opportunity to participate.

If our life was a bit more balanced, I would probably twist my nose, but I would understand. But the way it is now, I didn´t know if I should scream or cry...

I started being so averse to her way of dealing with work, that I started being the opposite in regards to mine. Maybe it´s psychological, I don´t know, but I have no love for what I do at the moment. My mind is always asking the same question "Why"?... I can´t concentrate and love my job.

I feel jealous of the people she works with. They see a different person, energetic and full of life. All I see is a woman coming home tired, complaining of fatigue and lack of sleep, and falling asleep on the sofa.

That´s probably why I need to find a 9-5, because I believe this will be the way to keep my mind busy and actually force her to contribute to the family responsibilities.

I´m the one who takes the kids to school, picks them up, cooks dinner, helps them with homework, etc. She very rarely does that. The famous sentence is "I need to stay an extra hour to finish something up, can you pick the kids up, please?" I say yes, because I´m 5 minutes away from the school and she would still need to drive 45 minutes.

But I confess... I´m running out of energy and excuses to give myself in order to explain this behaviour.

We talked about moving closer to her work (she complains about the long drive to work, but then again, if you work 10-12 hours a day, any drive is long). She seems excited about that, but I have my doubts if it´s going to change her behaviour. Maybe I´m so negative I can´t see that it would actually be a good thing.

There´s a constant knot in my stomach and I can´t speak straight to her, but she just keeps doing what she does, as if this will pass, or I´ll get used to it...

I´m conscious I´m getting into a depression, and I hate that I know that and yet, I think of the kids and I swallow it.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *For the very sake of those precious kids, why aren't you two taking an honest stab at MC? You have some serious joint problems that really need resolving before things could really reach an even more sordid level, moreso than they are now!
> 
> With no real jump into the world of infidelity and deception, this R seems like it could be totally salvageable if you both really set your minds to it, doing it preeminently for those kids welfare!
> 
> ...


I wish it was as easy as that where we live! We have no support in terms of MC over here. I looked for it. I even thought about online help, but it´s not the same thing. Live help is always different and more productive. We´re kind of stuck and that´s why I turned to TAM, in the hopes of someone making me see things from a different perspective.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StillTheOne said:


> I used to love working on my business, connecting with people and was on the right track. All that changed. It's a chore for me now, but I know deep inside that it's a direct result of this stupid life we live. I have no drive right now. My whole day is spent thinking "why?"
> 
> She loves, I mean, loves her job, and she goes into a hypnotic state whenever she's at work. Rarely are the times she finds 20 seconds to ring me during the day. I used to ring and send txts, but she's busy and she hardly replies. I stopped it. She's a different person when we're away on holiday, which doesn't happen often. But life isn't just made of that one or two weeks holidays a year. We never go out just the two of us, even though I suggest it quite often.
> 
> ...


Sir, your W is married to her job. You are nothing more than person who is taking care of home so she can conduct here marriage to the job. Accept it and buck up or plan a exit.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

StillTheOne said:


> I wish it was as easy as that where we live! We have no support in terms of MC over here. I looked for it. I even thought about online help, but it´s not the same thing. Live help is always different and more productive. We´re kind of stuck and that´s why I turned to TAM, in the hopes of someone making me see things from a different perspective.


*Then by golly, you've come to the right place as we'll collectively try to help you find the answer that you're searching for!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> This is a tricky situation. Unless your gf truly chooses the family willingly, forcing her to choose you guys over her job can result in future resentment that might destroy the relationship.
> 
> Also, she is losing this opportunity to bond with her kids. Someday they will grow up distant, adults only care to interact enough with parents if they had good relationship with them. She won't have this time of their childhood back. Was she ever told of this?
> 
> ...


That´s my worry. I don´t want to force her to make a choice. She would probably blame me for everything that could eventually go wrong in the future. It´s a delicate issue.

She loves the kids, and the kids love her, no doubt, but time spent with them is far shorter than I would´ve liked. Weekdays she sees them in the evening, for a couple of hours (all ready to go to bed). It´s tough. She obviously has no energy to go out and do stuff with them, specially when I work Saturdays. Often I come home and lunch was a couple of sandwiches, and dinner was noodles or something fast, because she was too tired. Sunday we go out as a family, but by 4pm she´s already nodding off. She´s depleted of energy.

But you know, she always says that I live in a dream world. "This is life, millions of people are like us, don´t be so negative!"

I used to be such a confident guy, ready to tackle everything, and now I see myself with so little confidence it´s unreal. I barely recognise the person I used to be.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Why are you wasting your life away with this woman? It's not like you have a relationship with her. After all this time, you must realize that the only thing you did that made any difference was when you attempted to end it. Stop settling. Dump her and find someone who wants a relationship with you.


Easier said than done, mate. I happen to think that if you choose to have children, first try all possibilities of fixing a relationship and if all fails then, yes, better to go our separate ways. Better for us and for the kids. But until then, we need to go through all this stupid suffering so we can appreciate, or not, what we have and what we want to save.

If it´s worth it, then let´s fight until there´s nothing more we can do.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Some people are just cowards.. 

Some people just don't have the balls to ask for a divorce, did you ever think of that..

My Ex wife had the affair and asked for a divorce but NEVER ONCE got a lawyer until she really had to and that was just to review the papers.. Only when she realized she was getting the sh!t end of the stick did she get another lawyer to confirm what the first had said..

But after that she never got a lawyer again.. 

But initially I had to do all the running around.. The guy who was begging her to stay even as I was handing her the divorce papers had to do all the legwork for her to get divorced.. 

Some people are even more lazy and don't ask for a divorce.. They just wait for you to ask for it.. 

I mean really, she only fvcks you when she wants to fvck you.. You are basically a living dildo to her.. You take care of the kids for her and you would fvck her sh!t up if you left her.. What would she do when she had the kids.. 

Mind you she cannot have the kids.. Though she will say she will take the kids.. Don't be a fool and accept that as fact.. You keep those kids and you make her pay child support to you.. That is what I did.. 

Its hard.. I know trust me.. I have my own issues with being alone and such..


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You should be able to find an online counselor who can conduct Skype sessions with you. At least you would be speaking in "real" time and not just emailing or texting. I agree that "live" help is better and would be more productive, but it seems like you don't have that choice. So take the next best thing.

I agree with others though. If she won't change jobs, it's probably time to change your relationship status.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Some people are just cowards..
> 
> Some people just don't have the balls to ask for a divorce, did you ever think of that..
> 
> ...


Hard to hear, but yeah, some of what you said makes perfect sense.

I´ve only seen her making a TRUE effort when I had my bag packed and was ready to leave, no matter what crying she did.

Sex-wise, yep, it´s a bit like that. I try it gently, I try to initiate, I get frustrated for not getting it and then I lose interest and resentment settles in "She has all the time in the world to work 12 hours a day, but can´t give me 1 hour for sex". Then she sees the way I am and tries to explain that if she´s not in the mood, she´s not in the mood, that´s it. We´ve been together for quite a few years, and we need to make an effort to be together every now and then. It tried for the past month to be with her. I tried romance, joking, etc. Didn´t work. I can´t remember the last time she initiated, to be honest. If she´s in the mood, she let´s me know, but it ends up being me doing all the "hard" work (no pun intended).

This wasn´t like this before. I don´t feel that I changed that much. I´m still thoughtful and don´t go straight for the jugular, but sometimes, a guy reaches a point that making love doesn´t matter anymore - it becomes a need that isn´t being filled. And I need to feel more than that...


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> You should be able to find an online counselor who can conduct Skype sessions with you. At least you would be speaking in "real" time and not just emailing or texting. I agree that "live" help is better and would be more productive, but it seems like you don't have that choice. So take the next best thing.
> 
> I agree with others though. If she won't change jobs, it's probably time to change your relationship status.


Thanks Happy.

Sadly, I´m beginning to accept that. I´m willing to go and move closer to her work, as a last attempt, and that will be my final effort, because I´ve heard all kinds of excuses one too many times.

Where did the girl I fell in love with go?...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

StillTheOne said:


> But you know, she always says that I live in a dream world. "This is life, millions of people are like us, don´t be so negative!"


And these millions of people are going through the same trials and tribulations. It does not make right.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

StillTheOne said:


> Thanks Happy.
> 
> Sadly, I´m beginning to accept that. I´m willing to go and move closer to her work, as a last attempt, and that will be my final effort, because I´ve heard all kinds of excuses one too many times.
> 
> Where did the girl I fell in love with go?...


You're just setting yourself up for more disappointment if you move closer to her work. The problem is much deeper than that.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> StillTheOne said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks Happy.
> ...


Steve, in what sense would this move be more disappointment? It's a genuine question and I'm just trying to weigh all the pros and cons.

She keeps saying that the commute is what kills her. It's an hour there and an hour back. If she could be closer, that would make things better... 

It doesn't make a difference to me. I can work from anywhere and I don't dislike big cities, which is where we would be moving to.

Is this genuine? Would a shorter commute help her and our quality of life, all things considered?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

StillTheOne said:


> Steve, in what sense would this move be more disappointment? It's a genuine question and I'm just trying to weigh all the pros and cons.
> 
> She keeps saying that the commute is what kills her. It's an hour there and an hour back. If she could be closer, that would make things better...
> 
> ...


If you don't insist on measurable goals and outcomes for the move, then I believe it's actually a covert contract. Have you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

*Re: Needy advice on how to deal with my situation, before I go crazy...*



WorkingOnMe said:


> If you don't insist on measurable goals and outcomes for the move, then I believe it's actually a covert contract. Have you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy"?


Yep, I have read it and the funny thing is, a few years ago I didn't consider myself to be " that guy", but now it's closer to what I've become.

I want to to believe that all this will be better after we move, but we'll see. I just don't want to be accused of not trying everything I can to make it work.

The kids, at least, deserve another go.

All I need is to find that positive, happy person I once was because I lost that completely. I'm very good at what I do professionally, I'm conscious of that, but I've been letting myself down for a while. I need to find my passion for life again. At the moment all I feel is that I'm my wife's PA and a dad. The man I used to be is lost somewhere.

I'm seriously considering leaving for a few months, to work somewher else, so I can find myself again. A few things can happen. I'll feel better on my own and realise I don't really love her anymore, I'll miss her maddly, she'll miss me and that could be the way to make her see things in a different light or she'll realise she doesn't love me as she thought she did, can actually cope on her own and we part ways.

Be honest, my head is a mess, isn't it? :smile2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

@StillTheOne, I've noticed that you posted your situation in another thread 2 years ago. It didn't seem much changed at all.

I assume you are from Portugal. Me too.  Marriage counseling sessions seems to cost around 45~60€ each in Lisbon for example. This x1 per week might be around 180€~300€ per month. Maybe you can go 1 session every 2 weeks?

This might sound costly but I assume you both or at least she earns well? Since she works so much and all. Her "dedication" reminds me of IT jobs here - full of extra work hours that are unpaid for and people just doing it as they are not assertive enough to say no.

But if you are really desperate and things are not improving, it might be worth the money. You might not be getting different responses here but an experienced counselor might help.

I don't know your wife but if her job is similar then is it really worth it? Why such need to prove herself that much? Is it easy for her to find jobs in her field? Or it'd be very hard if she loses her current job?


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> @StillTheOne, I've noticed that you posted your situation in another thread 2 years ago. It didn't seem much changed at all.
> 
> I assume you are from Portugal. Me too.  Marriage counseling sessions seems to cost around 45~60€ each in Lisbon for example. This x1 per week might be around 180€~300€ per month. Maybe you can go 1 session every 2 weeks?
> 
> ...


Hi Lilith.

I´ve looked into MC, but the more efficient ones seem to be few and far between. I´ve had a situation where we both agreed on seeing someone. I went in first and explained my situation, she went in after and explained her bit. The guy was so anecdotally inefficient, that even I could do a better job. He was all over the place, looked like he was high on drugs and charged an arm and a leg for the sessions. Put me right off...

We´re not exactly close to Lisbon, unfortunately.

The situation here isn´t that she´s being exploited or if it´s worth it. She genuinely loves what she does. I think she has a slight obsession with it and her job isn´t at risk at all. It doesn´t even cross her mind looking for another job. It´s stable, good income and a good company to work for.

I may have to apply to the same company. If you can´t beat them... :crying:

I just wish she knew when to stop. The job will be there tomorrow, new problems will arise, and she won´t be fired by coming home at decent hours and turning off for the sake of our family.

I´m not saying there aren´t times when people need to work that extra harder but, common, that should be the exception, not the rule...

EDIT: To add that I just read my post of 2 years ago and you´re right. Not much has changed... We had some periods that were better, but in general, it´s more of the same...


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

StillTheOne said:


> Hi Lilith.
> 
> I´ve looked into MC, but the more efficient ones seem to be few and far between. I´ve had a situation where we both agreed on seeing someone. I went in first and explained my situation, she went in after and explained her bit. The guy was so anecdotally inefficient, that even I could do a better job. He was all over the place, looked like he was high on drugs and charged an arm and a leg for the sessions. Put me right off...
> 
> ...


Some counselors can be inefficient indeed.  But it might be worth a try with a new counselor, since you are in a desperate situation?

If she is not really losing her job and not doing so much extra hours is not going to make her look bad (unfortunately in Portugal sometimes not staying 'till late with your coworkers can be looked at badly), then she should learn to not be so obsessed. It might be good for her health and sanity too, as being too obsessed can cause constant stress and tireness.

Applying to the same company might be a bad idea, specially if you might work extra hours. It might be bad if you are also constantly tired and you already handle the house chores.
Also, working in the same place might not help easing her obsession nor provides intimacy for your relationship. It might also not be good to mix career with relationships.

You need to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this for the rest of your life. Kids will understand your decision sooner or later, and then they might feel bad or guilty sooner or later if you attribute continuing this relationship just for their sake.

I've read in some post that sometimes to save a relationship we need to be willing to risk it before your feelings completely die.
So if you really tried everything, perhaps it's time to try trial separation and see how she reacts.
You distancing before your feelings completely die can still provide a chance for her to realize the consequences and decide to do something before it's too late. But you distancing only after your feelings dies would really end it and nothing more can be done, even if she starts to change later.

It's a gamble and something hard to bet, but you either gamble now when you still can or lose the chance of gambling and risk 100% failure. The % of winning is getting smaller and smaller by time - coz your feelings will die bit by bit by time, and resentment will build up more and more before you become completely indiferent to your gf/wife.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

lilith23 said:


> Some counselors can be inefficient indeed.  But it might be worth a try with a new counselor, since you are in a desperate situation?
> 
> If she is not really losing her job and not doing so much extra hours is not going to make her look bad (unfortunately in Portugal sometimes not staying 'till late with your coworkers can be looked at badly), then she should learn to not be so obsessed. It might be good for her health and sanity too, as being too obsessed can cause constant stress and tireness.
> 
> ...


Excellent advice Lilith, thank you.

I can´t keep pouring my energy into this nonsense anymore. It´s literally taking over my days. I ask myself why, then I try to find explanations. I find myself always checking up on her, where she is, who she´s with, but never really showing it (that would make me look paranoid, which I am, but I don´t want her to know that). I don´t have any reasons to complain. She´s always been faithful, to my knowledge, but that´s the way I am at the moment, with her absent for so long. I don´t want to be like this, but sometimes I can´t help myself going through her phone, just in case...

What a nutcase...


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

StillTheOne said:


> Steve, in what sense would this move be more disappointment? It's a genuine question and I'm just trying to weigh all the pros and cons.


If the long commute is very difficult for your wife and adds to how tired she feels at home, then moving closer does make sense. It would definitely improve her quality of life. However, I cautioned you to not get your hopes up because even though she will have less stress from driving, I do not think that it will improve your relationship with her. I hope I'm wrong.


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## StillTheOne (Feb 10, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> If the long commute is very difficult for your wife and adds to how tired she feels at home, then moving closer does make sense. It would definitely improve her quality of life. However, I cautioned you to not get your hopes up because even though she will have less stress from driving, I do not think that it will improve your relationship with her. I hope I'm wrong.


Maybe so, but I´m willing to give it one last try. As Lilith mentioned before, I started a thread about 2 years ago, with the exact same issues, and although some things changed after the "ultimatum", they slowly tend to go back to the old ways.

I don´t know, maybe I´m a masochist or I simply lost my confidence and am afraid to step out of this and be ok. Time does that to you...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This will be your next last try.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

StillTheOne said:


> Maybe so, but I´m willing to give it one last try. As Lilith mentioned before, I started a thread about 2 years ago, with the exact same issues, and although some things changed after the "ultimatum", they slowly tend to go back to the old ways.
> 
> I don´t know, maybe I´m a masochist or I simply lost my confidence and am afraid to step out of this and be ok. Time does that to you...


I vote for "lost confidence" instead of masochism. Unfortunately 'Hope springs eternal' is a human condition that often adversely affects our decision making. 

During the next few months, do what you can do to either keep in shape or get in shape. It does help both physically and emotionally when going through a difficult period.


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