# Suggestions on respectfully declining vow renewal



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

I haven't been on this site for sometime. Had a horrific 2011 after discovering my wife's double life and multiple affairs throughout our marriage. We have come a long way, and what started simply for the sake of our kids (as far as my interest in salvaging anything with this woman) has developed into some feeling for her...but for me it is different.

Understandably, given her position, she wishes the nightmare she created would disappear, and renewing our vows is something she feels would being additional closeness to us.

I however, have no interest whatsoever in this. I don't wear my ring (not even sure where it is). But I'm honest in saying that I do want to be here...but it is absolutely different than it used to be. 

So, judgments aside, should I just say that "we have come a long way, but I am not ready to share an experience like renewing our vows"? When she asked me [on the phone] if i wanted to do that next month, I just said "ahh, not sure, I will have to think about it". Maybe it will not some up again, but if she asks, I want to have a reasonable answer.

Anyone who has been in this position, please let me know if you have any advice.


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## jameskimp (May 8, 2012)

I would decline. It seems like a form of rug sweeping to me. An affair changes a marriage forever.

I understand she wants to essentially start a new chapter of your marriage but...

Don't let her dictate the pace on your forgiveness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just tell her that you are not at a point yet where you can do that. It takes 2 - 5 years to recover from an affair.

What month in 2011 did you find out about her affairs?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her exactly how you feel.

Communication is key.

Be honest.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think it is worthy of discussion.

Not that you decline, but I think it is worth talking about to determine if she understands why you are declining.

Being able to have THAT conversation will effectively have far more emotional value than renewing vows that have already been broken.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You could say, "Why, they didn't do much good the first time", but that would be childish. Maybe just fantasize about saying that line.....

Deejo is giving great insight here. It is completely within your bounds to tell your wife that you are not ready to do this, and you are not sure if you ever will be. It sounds like she is wanting this to happen to make HER feel better, not you.

Telling her why you are not ready is a good dialogue to have.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I've been there, but I went thru with the renewal, it was a good time, went to Vegas with the kids 18 and 21. my MIL and BIL, it was small to say the least but the Luxor had a nice set up.

As far as getting out of it I suggest you tell your FWW that you will readress it when it gets closure to your Anni. Thats what I did. I set the renewal on our next anni...it was about a year after d-day and since fWW did the heavy lifting to change her lifestyle and behavior i went a head and did it.

So in short tell your fWW you need a year and will think about doing it on the following anni.....tell her, if any thing it will be small and simple if it does happen.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BTW, I still have my ring off and its been 2-1/2 yrs since d-day, so I feel you man, its just not the same, its different and all good, but not just the same.

Maybe I just wanted an axcuse to go to Vegas LOL


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I will tell you my conversation when my H brought this up. He brought it up to do a year after the affair, and I wasn't on board. So here is what I told him (without the pauses so I could say it elegantly LOL)

When we renew our vows, I want it to signify that our love to one another is whole, and that we are confident in ourselves and each other. I want to renew our vows after I truly believe we have healed, moved past, and are living the next chapter together. I feel that doing a renewal while we are still working on reconciling would be trying to signify the hurt and pain that we have gone through instead of the love we have for each other. 

OP -- my H and I renewed our vows this summer in Vegas, just shy of three years since Dday. Hope that helped.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

This is a good opportunity to let her know there's still a lot more work to be done. To tell her that you won't allow her to rugsweep the affair.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It is all about making your fWW feel good there no doubt there, But I felt it was a action that had a defining date/line from the past seperating the future..

I felt is was dumbing my old marriage and that person that used to push his wife around, the women I was with that slept around. A ceromony that got rid of the old and starteda new marriage. 

On a side note you can put off the renewal until you hit a bench mark like a 25th anni...enless your next anni is the 26th anni then you can tell her on your 30th anni you will renew...make sense?


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Many good suggestions here, as always. I will think about it a bit, and if/when it comes up again I will sit down with her and offer her my thoughts. No anger or yelling (or fighting really) when we talk, so it should be fairly simple to have a mature conversation about this.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I don't wear my ring and haven't done it in 16 months.
W said she really would like me to wear it again. I told her that I am nowhere near there yet, and that the ring actually mean something to me.
It hurts her, I think. But I also think, that she needs to see, that her actions have consequences and that it is definitely not the same marriage anymore.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'd simply tell her it's too soon for you. And if she asks when tell her you have no idea. Healing takes as long as it takes.

My snarky side says she should have considered all this BEFORE she cheated.

You don't owe her anything but truth which was something she was incapable of providing just a year ago.


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## skip76 (Aug 30, 2011)

caution, jaded remarks to follow;


had to chime in on this one, for i could never renew the vows. lets go over the list of why not

you are already married
already said our vows "for life"
they won't mean more the second time
i paid 30,000 dollars for the first vows
will it make the problems go away, no
vows were broken the first time, whats different now

so no, i would not renew my vows just to benefit some fantasy of hers to try some redo. Honestly i would feel like a complete a$$ standing up there saying these vows. some of my responses would be to say one of the following (they won't get anywhere but i never could hold back)

1. "no thanks, did that already and didn't do me any good"
2. "good idea but lets update some of that old english language so everyone is clear on what is being said"
I will not F%$# any other men
I will F%$# my husband
you get the idea
3. "did you say renew or redo?"
4. "i thought it was the first ones that counted"
5. "anyway we can get the OM to pay for it?" "he should pay something, your not a "cheap" wh0re.
6. "that would be weird with you standing up there redoing your vows and me not saying anything, with my vows still being valid and all"
7. why?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

skip76 said:


> caution, jaded remarks to follow;
> 
> 
> had to chime in on this one, for i could never renew the vows. lets go over the list of why not
> ...


A bit harsh maybe, but I could go with #7


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

How about ...
"Is this best two out of three?"




skip76 said:


> caution, jaded remarks to follow;
> 
> 
> had to chime in on this one, for i could never renew the vows. lets go over the list of why not
> ...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

If you're not ready, then you're not ready. It's as simple as that. I totally understand that she thinks it will help in your reconciliation, but if it doesn't help you, then it isn't any good.

No need to have snide comments or anything of the such. Just say you're not ready.

But let me give you a flip side...and it's probably NOT gonna be that popular: My wife, Regret214, had a LTA and our Dday was 3/6/12 and we're in reconciliation. Yesterday was our 12th anniversary. I bought myself a new wedding ring, it kinda looks like chainmail. I didn't want to keep wearing the old one. It didn't stand for what it truly meant.

For me to move forward, I needed something new on my finger. I wanted something new. I also bought her one. Yesterday morning when we woke up, we exchanged rings and said our piece/peace to each other.

No witnesses. No mumbo jumbo. Just the two of us because that's all that mattered.

You need to do what YOU need to do, man. Don't feel pressured to do anything else. Period.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

She should definitely renew her vows, you don't have to do a da*m thing


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

When you're ready ...


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Jellybeans said it best...

Be honest.

Communication is key.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'd try this line:

"Oh, this is such a great idea! But I feel that I need to wait a while longer before making such a renewed commitment. I do hope you understand?"


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

skip76 said:


> 6. "that would be weird with you standing up there redoing your vows and me not saying anything, with my vows still being valid and all"


I was waiting for someone to post that one, because yeah, that would be my thought.

Either that or "I guess it's time for my revenge affair so we both have something to renew."


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

I say only do it when your ready, if at all. In R, it seems that the CS will always attempt to rugsweep to some extent, maybe even subconsciously in some cases.

And renewal for you seems to feel like rugsweeping, if I hear you right. I would explain that you're not ready now, and that you will bring it up, if you decide that you wish to renew.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

lovestruckout said:


> So, judgments aside, should I just say that "we have come a long way, but I am not ready to share an experience like renewing our vows"?


This is good. It's honest. Tell her this. And, then, maybe it will stimulate a discussion between the two of you on what else is missing in your marriage that you can work on before you actually would consider something like this (if at all). 

She will probably want to know why you don't want to do this. Also, it sounds like she is looking for some reassurance that you're still invested in this relationship. It might be time to start thinking about both of those questions, if you haven't. Are you both in MC? What are your main reservations to the renewal of vows? Are you unsure if you're really committed to the marriage now?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Bout ten years back my aunt was telling my mom that she and my uncle might be getting their vows renewed soon.

He said (paraphrase) "Doesn't make any sense. Why the hell would I do that, my vows are still valid unlike some peoples"

She got pretty teary eyed

To his benefit he was already in a foul mood and has always been pretty snarky but its kinda true. I'm not gonna stand on a podium and say vows when mine are still intact.


If you're not ready or even just don't want to, don't do it.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I'm a bit torn what to suggest.

I didn't wear my ring for a very long time after her affair. Much longer than the 2 to 5 years number everyone quotes. I'm actually glad to read I'm not the only one that attached such significance to a stupid piece of metal.

I eventually put it on as a symbol to me that I needed to be more intimate with her. It was very meaningful to her when it happened, and really was the final step in healing things. (And by the way it was hard to do. I tried several times and just had to take it off again. Too painful).

So my suggestion is that you have to try and be intimate, try and give her trust and affection even when you don't feel it, even when in the back of your mind there are doubts. Punishing her and holding distance stop you from healing.

On the other hand, I'm not the one who forgot about "..forsaking all others..." in that vow. If it helps her to renew her vow to me I would listen, but I would feel like a hypocrite renewing a vow to her that I never broke.

So you have to find a balance between compassion and honesty. Maybe what I went through with the ring is what you have to go through with the vows. But only if and when you can do it honestly.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I've seen a couple posting about their vows renewal ceremony on facebook. To be honest looks too contrived and theatrical.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

I have also recently politely declined


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Good discussion. I do feel there is a lot of meaning behind this type of 'ceremony', and what makes it particularly tough is that my WW not only had her recent affair, she was involved with someone when we got married (prior to, leading up to, and who the fvck knows, maybe even after the vows). So it's almost comical to me that she was able to lie to my face and the priest's face about the "I do's".

With this particular woman, some of my biggest mistakes have been forgiving her too quickly, because sadly, this enabled her to continue her bad behavior. There were many instances where I let her off with a slap on the wrist...and sadly she felt the risks continued to be worth the reward??? This woman had to be nuked...as my therapist agreed that this would be the only way get her to realize the severity of damage she had been doing. Morality works in strange ways, and certain people reach the critical guilt level over one sexy text...others just don't reach it until you blow up their world. 

She has only recently (post exposure) begun to understand herself, let alone others. Consequences didn't exist in her mind b/c she didn't have that dynamic in her cognitive thinking and processes.

My goal is not punishing her or holding this (and not wearing a ring) over her head, but I think I'm giving as much as I can give right now. Actually, I know I am after talking it out in this thread.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I know others might disagree with me..

But I think if she is willing to show her new dedication by renewing your vows, that's a sign that she is willing to throw the old life she lived away and start anew. I would consider it. If she wants to put all of her chips into the poker game now, do it.

This way, if she slips up again in your M, then you will know for damn sure that she is a lying, rug sweeping, cheating W. And you will know that you know that you know.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

lovestruckout said:


> My goal is not punishing her or holding this (and not wearing a ring) over her head, but I think I'm giving as much as I can give right now. Actually, I know I am after talking it out in this thread.


Then you are doing absolutely what you must. That is all anyone can ask given your situation. If she doesn't understand your reasons, then she needs to examine herself a bit deeper. One does not merely "get over" this stuff. On EITHER side.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

I'm not in R or anything but in the past this was been suggested to me 

I can't imagine a time when it wouldn't feel false 

If BOTH parties had cheated or whatever I suppose it could work but when there is a BS and a WS it just seems like it wouldn't be a meeting of equals. 

Maybe I'm odd but how can you renew something you didn't stick to ? A renewal to me is a celebration of what those vows have meant so far not another go at the thing you screwed up

I can see why a WS offers it though, not just to make themselves feel better, but a public recommitment is something they can do because there isn't really much else is there ?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not posting to change your mind, but like you said it is a good discussion.
Some here look at this a why renew something you didn't break, I think it like the cars registration. The cars is fine but yet every year we renew and pay the dough.

My point is even though the betrayed doesn't need to renew the vow it does have to be *refreshed*. More impotantly it the wayward that need to recommit with new vows. 

Sure the wayward broke the first set of vows, but if the betrayed is going to give the wayward another chance, then it may as well be documented and even celorbrated.

I mean if another chance is going to happen, then why not have a ceromony making a new begaining.

I guess I'm a little partial, my fist marriage was so screwed up, and my fww did the heavy lifting and changed that adultous behavior, just like I changed my phiysicly abusive behavior, the renewal just seemed to work for both of us.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I know others might disagree with me..
> 
> But I think if she is willing to show her new dedication by renewing your vows, that's a sign that she is willing to throw the old life she lived away and start anew. I would consider it. If she wants to put all of her chips into the poker game now, do it.
> 
> This way, if she slips up again in your M, then you will know for damn sure that she is a lying, rug sweeping, cheating W. And you will know that you know that you know.


I disagree
What happened when she showed her "old" dedication? I wouldn't be able to see passed there possibility of smoke screen alert.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

cpacan said:


> I disagree
> What happened when she showed her "old" dedication? I wouldn't be able to see passed there possibility of smoke screen alert.


I knew someone would disagree with me..
I see where you are coming from

However....just to make my point again..

I believe that all people make mistakes. Nobody is perfect. I certainly have made mistakes in my M and so has my H. 

And seems as though lovestruck is willing to work on the M. So I made my suggestion as an option for a "fresh start" more so for him. He could have more solidified knowledge that his W is willing to show her dedication. AND if she ever breaks the second ceremony, then he surely would not feel any hesitation in leaving, knowing happily that he gave the M all he had, giving his W a huge opportunity to renew vows.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

What about her renewing her vows to you. Are you open to that? She gets a new ring for you (or a watch or something) and commits to you. Do you have reason to renew your vows to her?


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

I guess it matters to me whether the vows are public or private.

A select few people know about our past. So a public ceremony would entail a public "Guess what my wife did?" moment. Could be awkward!

Privately, no formal ceremonies and no formal vows, but we have certainly had some very deep and difficult discussions, where we have apologised for wrongs we both committed and committed to be different in some very specific ways. If that counts as a vow I have done it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Wife told me why waste the time on renewing our vows. Just show me you've changed and prove to me you'll never do it again.

Renewing our vows means nothing to her, just some pretty words to repeat all over again.

If you need it to help you heal then by all means do it, it's just some worthless words you said once already. That's what she told me, btw we never did renew our vows and it's not needed.

Hence her song to me now is

More than words by - Extreme

I already said all those pretty sounding words professing my love. Not needed anymore, to say it again would be a joke to her. I said them already, I broke them, just fix it and prove that I learned from it.

I guess if we both got drunk again like last time and just do the Elvis marriage again, it might be fun for ****s and giggles.


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

lovestruckout said:


> So, judgments aside, should I just say that "we have come a long way, but I am not ready to share an experience like renewing our vows"? When she asked me [on the phone] if i wanted to do that next month, I just said "ahh, not sure, I will have to think about it". Maybe it will not some up again, but if she asks, I want to have a reasonable answer.


You want answers but no judgements.. hmm.. walking a fine line here with my response.

Rather than biting your nails and hoping that she never brings it up again, bring it up first.

Tell her, "Oh about your request to renew the vows? It aint happening".

End of story.

Other than to say:

Generally speaking, guys who act all insecure and weak and feel like they're walking on eggshells around a wife who has cheated on them haven't quite figured it out.


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## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

donders said:


> Generally speaking, guys who act all insecure and weak and feel like they're walking on eggshells around a wife who has cheated on them haven't quite figured it out.


Yes, you've got a good point. A CS really needs to suck it up with this sort of stuff. It's part of the heavy lifting.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> I know others might disagree with me..
> 
> But I think if she is willing to show her new dedication by renewing your vows, that's a sign that she is willing to throw the old life she lived away and start anew. I would consider it. If she wants to put all of her chips into the poker game now, do it.
> 
> This way, if she slips up again in your M, then you will know for damn sure that she is a lying, rug sweeping, cheating W. And you will know that you know that you know.


From the sounds of it this guy is only interested in staying together for the kids, so her enthusiasm to continue the marriage is hardly a silver lining to him.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

shazam said:


> From the sounds of it this guy is only interested in staying together for the kids, so her enthusiasm to continue the marriage is hardly a silver lining to him.


Well, that's what I did. If you are going to do it you may as well try and have a good relationship with yoru partner, since you are going to spend a lot of time together.

Worked out great for me in the long run.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

In that case he might plan on a renewal for a few years down the road.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Lol, rest assured, in my situation at least, there is no nail biting and insecurity, and my wife is fully aware that she's on indefinite probation (and a post-nup was executed prior to beginning R). And this is coming from a guy that was previously a doormat.

'It aint happening' is not how I articulate my feelings on issues...and IMO if someone is still driving a point across with that kind of loaded statement, someone is fooling themselves that they are ready (either party) for a discussion about vow renewal to even come up.

Don't confuse respect with weakness. Yes my WW didn't give me any respect for years...but this has only made her realize even more of how much of a mess of a person she was...that she was disrespectful to someone that (her words) "was one of the best men a woman could have".

So really, the lack of interest when she brought up the prospect of renewal was enough for her to get that I wasn't interested.







donders said:


> You want answers but no judgements.. hmm.. walking a fine line here with my response.
> 
> Rather than biting your nails and hoping that she never brings it up again, bring it up first.
> 
> ...


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Wazza said:


> Well, that's what I did. If you are going to do it you may as well try and have a good relationship with yoru partner, since you are going to spend a lot of time together.
> 
> Worked out great for me in the long run.


Time is a pretty wild thing, arguably the only thing that heals sometimes. It would be great if in 5-10 years if all was well with us. I imagine there are a lot of us that may have only stayed for the kids at first, but things blossomed, albeit slowly, in time.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lovestruckout said:


> So really, the lack of interest when she brought up the prospect of renewal was enough for her to get that I wasn't interested.


If you weren't interested her behind would have skid marks from the asphalt already. taking her back wasn't enough proof that you still loved her? You did give her another chance out of love right?


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## donders (May 9, 2012)

lovestruckout said:


> Lol, rest assured, in my situation at least, there is no nail biting and insecurity, and my wife is fully aware that she's on indefinite probation (and a post-nup was executed prior to beginning R). And this is coming from a guy that was previously a doormat.
> 
> Don't confuse respect with weakness.
> 
> So really, the lack of interest when she brought up the prospect of renewal was enough for her to get that I wasn't interested.


You're leaving it up to her to figure out that she should drop it based on your lack of interest rather than you coming right out and saying that you aren't interested, and in the first post on this thread you express concern about how to handle it when and if she brings it up again.

To me at least, that indicates you are still reluctant to step up and make your feelings known.

That IS weakness and there's nothing wrong with that as long as you understand that it's there and you need to address it.

I have quoted your first post here:



lovestruckout said:


> So, judgments aside, should I just say that "we have come a long way, but I am not ready to share an experience like renewing our vows"? When she asked me [on the phone] if i wanted to do that next month, I just said "ahh, not sure, I will have to think about it". Maybe it will not some up again, but if she asks, I want to have a reasonable answer.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Speaking of fine lines, there is a level of acting that some of us adapt (the fake it till you make it), which requires some finesse. While I don't disagree that being implicitly clear would be best practice, the message delivered by changing the subject was loud and clear to this woman. 

We'll have to agree to disagree that lack of interest translates into being a weakness.

My initial question about advice (and there were some good responses) was more related to looking for a tactful response from someone that has been in the same position. I don't need to come out with 'b!itch it's not gonna happen'. Not my style. 



donders said:


> You're leaving it up to her to figure out that she should drop it based on your lack of interest rather than you coming right out and saying that you aren't interested, and in the first post on this thread you express concern about how to handle it when and if she brings it up again.
> 
> To me at least, that indicates you are still reluctant to step up and make your feelings known.
> 
> ...


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