# Fear Vs Confidence



## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I'm going through hell of roller-coaster ride. To overcome the pain of being a BS, I want to take couple of major personal project like house construction etc but the fear is killing me. The fear that the people will deceive me, the fear that I won't be able to focus on the project, the fear that I'll make major mistakes etc.

But after sometime, I get the confidence that the project is doable and I need to re-focus my energy completely towards the project.

I'm fighting against fear but I don't want to succumb to it. What can I do!!!


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## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

I've always seen unhealthy fear as a way to avoid dealing with things. Maybe you are chasing your tail. It's not the construction project that you fear.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

My psychologist instructs me to head directly toward my fear and jump in as fast as I can.

“It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

MysticMouse said:


> I've always seen unhealthy fear as a way to avoid dealing with things. Maybe you are chasing your tail. It's not the construction project that you fear.


Once the EA became open, I had huge financial loss, I lost my weight and my focus at work. I avoid common friends and except for opening up myself in TAM forum, I don't have much outlet. So everything is closely guarded by myself. I went to IC but she just listens to me and nothing much. So deep down the betrayal is killing me, knowing that it happened on my face is hurting me. We both used to depend on each other for support and now that support is gone. Dealing alone is causing fear. As people say, when you're left all alone, even your shadow leaves your company, so that is my state.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I have been exactly where you are until an old friend of mine reminded me of the person I used to be. This encouraged me to make a list of ten of my best qualities. I wrote them down and read them often and I began to be a better version of me. This is no magic formula but it helped me because my ex had told me for years and years that I was many negative things he "wished" I really were (all it was was reacting to him and his secret life). Start your own journey of self-discovery, savor foods, drinks, smell the roses, recall a country you always wanted to visit, make plans and go...gently flood your senses, re-acquaint yourself with you...get some new cologne! Time to revamp...when you least feel like it


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## MysticMouse (Dec 17, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Once the EA became open, I had huge financial loss, I lost my weight and my focus at work. I avoid common friends and except for venting in TAM forum, I don't have much outlet. So everything is closely guarded by myself. I went to IC but she just listens to me and nothing much. So deep down the betrayal is killing me, knowing that it happened on my face is hurting me. We both used to depend on each other for support and now that support is gone. Dealing alone is causing fear. As people say, when you're left all alone, even your shadow leaves your company, so that is my state.


I relate to this really well.

But this isn't the first time I've felt alone. You have to dig deep. Think about what you really want. Then do something, anything each day every day until you get it. You have to look at failures as an oportunity. Easier said than done especially since the hurt we have now is not just about being alone. Just being alone is easier. It's trying to cuddle the snake that bit you that has us concerned.

I'd give you advice on regaining your focus, but my own focus is seriously screwed up.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

John,

I imagined myself as worthless.

Let go of fear.

As a matter of fact, you are holding to your own insecurities. Most of our insecurities are unfounded.

It is not the fear of house construction you fear. It is your fear of failing is what you fear.

See.


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

John, ia your WW still trying to win you back, is she still in contact with her OM?


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> John,
> 
> I imagined myself as worthless.
> 
> ...


That is correct. My greatest fear is that already I'm in debt. In this mental state, can I repay the house construction debt? And at the same time, if the house construction project, which is very pet project for me and I planned for this project for almost 4-5 years, if that becomes a great success, that is going to be add a great feather in my crown and boost my morale !!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

John, defer your decision on R or D for sometime, until you are able to think with clarity.

Fear is one of our worst enemies and I can see that you are still not out of the aftermath.

Take time. Take time.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> John, defer your decision on R or D for sometime, until you are able to think with clarity.
> 
> Fear is one of our worst enemies and I can see that you are still not out of the aftermath.
> 
> Take time. Take time.


Thanks. Your advise makes sense and this is the reason I feel TAM is better place for me then my IC. It's true that I'm still not out of the aftermath, wounds are still very fresh. It's only 4 months from DDay.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

John: How about dividing the project into several smaller, more manageable (and affordable) projects? 

First, it won't seem so daunting, and second - it won't be so expensive.

Accomplishing even a small project will bolster your confidence, and upon completion, you can reassess your financial ability to proceed with the next project.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

old timer said:


> John: How about dividing the project into several smaller, more manageable (and affordable) projects?
> 
> First, it won't seem so daunting, and second - it won't be so expensive.
> 
> Accomplishing even a small project will bolster your confidence, and upon completion, you can reassess your financial ability to proceed with the next project.


Thanks. This was valuable input. After seeing you comment, I started dividing the project into several parts. Yep, at least on paper it looks doable. I hope my fear won't stop me from back-tracking.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

John, house construction is not only about money, time and effort.
I know this is your childhood dream.
Moreover, a house construction is not done in parts. You plan it and start executing it. Although it takes time, you cant really stop once you start. Stopping in the middle has serious consequences for you.
Why you take up something you cherish from your childhood so flippantly?


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> John, house construction is not only about money, time and effort.
> I know this is your childhood dream.
> Moreover, a house construction is not done in parts. You plan it and start executing it. Although it takes time, you cant really stop once you start. Stopping in the middle has serious consequences for you.
> Why you take up something you cherish from your childhood so flippantly?


This is ancestral property which came for division. I've been given a choice to take-over and construct. If I give up, then I'll be left with meager financial share. If I take the challenge, it will keep me very very busy to such a extent that I can overcome the current pain. 

Before this betrayal, I along with WS had grand plans of different activities for fun but now I'm very empty. To fill this emptiness, I would like to get busy by working on construction.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I hope my fear won't stop me from back-tracking.


Your freedom stops where your fear begins...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Fear is a very normal response to stressors like yours. Experts trace it to the instinctive & very biological fight or flight response. Some things that help are:

- The step-by-step approach that old timer talked about. Break your challenges down into manageable chunks that you can set goals and deadlines to. Write these things down as things to accomplish on a daily basis. The open-endedness of the challenges of life is what can paralyze us. Break down that timeline so that you can accomplish smaller things well each day.

- Music is good for this. Studies show that listening to classical music, even if that isn't your thing, helps a lot when the fear overtakes you.

- Regular, sustained physical exercise - You don't have to do strenuous exercise if you prefer something more moderate. Walking several miles a day can make a big difference.

I think your project sounds great & I'm sure you will do an excellent job. The fear is just that - it's not the reality. It's not your future.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

People will deceive you. You will lose focus at times. Take these as givens and plan for them. Develop methods to check up on people or verify that things are getting done. Set aside some time during the day where you will focus on your marital problems as well as time to focus on your project. Think about how to make your project succeed. This will help to redefine you and at the same time distract you from your issues. The advice by Old Timer is good, chop up the project into smaller tasks and tackle easier ones first then progress into larger ones to build confidence.

These are some of the things I use to gain confidence and control fear. Fear is normal and is a warning sign. You need to listen to it to the extent to enable you to improve your chances for success but don’t dwell on it too much.

Look at the quote from Laird Hamilton in my signature. He is a big wave surfer who can die doing his hobby and controls fear by being prepared to handle the situations he undertakes. Choose to live and fulfill your dream it.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> Fear is a very normal response to stressors like yours. Experts trace it to the instinctive & very biological fight or flight response. Some things that help are:
> 
> - The step-by-step approach that old timer talked about. Break your challenges down into manageable chunks that you can set goals and deadlines to. Write these things down as things to accomplish on a daily basis. The open-endedness of the challenges of life is what can paralyze us. Break down that timeline so that you can accomplish smaller things well each day.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Double down on the exercise!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As long as we're quoting for inspiration, I have a few:

"The courage of life is often a less dramatic spectacle than the courage of a final moment, but it is no less than a magnificent mixture of triumph and tragedy. People do what they must - in spite of personal consequences, in spite of obstacles and dangers and pressures - and that is the basis of all human morality." JFK

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." Eddie Rickenbacker

"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway." John Wayne

"Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear." Mark Twain


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

One of my major drop back I've developed is that I trust people a lot and feel that people after being paid are responsible enough to do their job. 

So I would like to know " how/what methods I can use to check up on people or verify that things are getting done"


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are a lot of management techniques. Usually it depends on the job and the people. For example, if you have a lot of people, each with a different goal, you can have each person break down his/her job into tasks and have definable deadlines with a task checksheet that you have access to.


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