# How can someone say nasty things about their child?



## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

He makes me sooo mad. He yells at our son so much and calls him nasty names all because he says our son likes video games,drawing and is very artsy and not sports and argues and debates too much.
On Monday he called my 10 year old son a F*&^ing Pu&^y. OMG!!!!! I flipped out!!!!!

Then last night he tells me he wants someone to punch our son in the face so he will smarten up. Really!!!! 

I freaked and we argued and he had the audacity to say it was ok to say these things to him because at the end of the day he gives our son hugs and talks to him.

So apparenty its ok to treat him like absolute crap and beat him down as long as at the end of the day you hug????
I tried to explain how abusive this is and how horrible it is on a child and got nowhere. I also tried to explain this was typical of children and its a phase all kids go through.

I really do think I have to grow a pair and walk but im soooo scared  

Can he change? We have another councelling session on the 25th and I will bring this all up but......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sure he can change if he wants to. But does he? 

How old is your son?

One way to look at it is that as long as you are around, your son has you to stand up for him. 

If you divorce your son will be with this meaness all by himself. 

My son's father was mean to our son. I spent a lot of time before the divorce teaching him to deal with it, to stand up for him self, etc. When my son was in about the 10th grade his father started throwing things at him adn yelling because my son wanted to play video games. It was the last straw. My son is 6'4" and a big guy. His dad is a skinny 5'7". (our son is adopted) 

Well the kid picked up his dad and slammed him into the wall. His dad was not hurt but he was shaken. I used to tell my ex to stop being mean to the kid because one day he was going to tower over his dad... well it happened. That was the last time my son stayed at his father's house. My son is 23 now. Good kid, in college, very smart. And he knows how to handle people like his dad now. 

Take your son to counseling. he will need help in dealing with this.

The thing is that a kid has to explore all kinds of things. The arts is one of them. He should not be abused for it.


If a person knows what they are doing they can earn a lot of money in the arts.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

While I agree with what Elegirl said to an extent, I also have to say that you have a responsibility to protect your son and "I'm scared" is not an excuse for abandoning him to abusive treatment.

Tell you husband that there will be no name calling or physical violence or you're going to leave. Be ready with a plan so you can follow through, and then DO it.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> While I agree with what Elegirl said to an extent, I also have to say that you have a responsibility to protect your son and "I'm scared" is not an excuse for abandoning him to abusive treatment.
> 
> Tell you husband that there will be no name calling or physical violence or you're going to leave. Be ready with a plan so you can follow through, and then DO it.


I agree. That is abuse!! And your husband has anger issues. You need to protect your son. Leave if you have to.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Sure he can change if he wants to. But does he?
> 
> How old is your son?
> 
> ...


Firstly, I cheered when I read your son slammed his dad against the wall. 
Secondly, I agree with everything you said. I left an abusive spouse when my kids were 8 and 5. His abuse was just uunder the radar. Name-calling, belittling and a swift kick here and there. I thought I was doing good to protect my kids. Wrong. It was called differing parent styles and the only change is for visitation, my kids now had to spend a specified amount of time with him alone without me as a buffer. 
OP, while your husband's behavior is cruel and abusive, his right to see his son will trump any abuse accusations. So your son will be exposed to the same except without you being there.
My suggestion is to see if you can get you and husband in to parenting counseling or classes (both of you because he will slam the idea if you say he needs to go) and let a professional tell your husband how damaging his cruel remarks are. Maybe hearing from someone else will clue in this neadrathal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

what your husband is doing is abusive.

It can have so many negative affects on a child lasting into adulthood, my step dad was "that guy" my brothers and I all have quite a few lasting issues because of it. Towards the end of my mom and his relationship he tried everything he could to get my little brothers to fight him.

My thought here, is that at some point it becomes the child's choice as to whether or not they want to visit the other parent. Get a psych evaluation of your son, send him to a counselor, and use it in court if you have to. I don't know how it works where you are, but that is how it works in NY. Maybe see if you can record him on video flipping at your son.

I watched my little brother who is into drawing, video games, and martial arts receive the brunt of my jock minded step dad for so long and it stunted him so much..really, he is just his own person, and so is your son. It would be horrible for your son to end up not developing who and what he is as fully as possible because he's constantly put down for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you living with him? 

Everyone, if you start new threads, please try to bring us up to speed in the new one so we don't have to hunt through old posts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Our former best friends, the husband called his son Susan all the time, put him through every sport imaginable, to try to toughen him up. That kid is in prison now.


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## Cat3CatGirl (Jun 19, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> He makes me sooo mad. He yells at our son so much and calls him nasty names all because he says our son likes video games,drawing and is very artsy and not sports and argues and debates too much.
> On Monday he called my 10 year old son a F*&^ing Pu&^y. *OMG!!!!! I flipped out!!!!!*
> Then last night he tells me he wants someone to punch our son in the face so he will smarten up. Really!!!!
> 
> ...


I'm doing a lot of reading and web browsing on effective communication, as part of reconsiling with my DH. We're also in MC and one of the major aspects of counseling is to work on our communication with each other. I'm not an expert, but just wanted to share some information that seems to be repeated throughout all the information I've been reading.

But before I share, I would like to ensure you that you have a VERY valid concern. You may just be inadvertetently turning your husband away with the communication methods you use.

I've highlighted a few snippets from your post, specifically "freaked out," "flipped out," and "argued." These are very aggressive forms of communication, and likely confrontational and accusing. I'm NOT an expert and can't give specific advice, but a general theme on good communication is to remain calm and communicate in a non-threatening way. A popular way to do this is to use "I statements." An example using your scenario is to say (in a calm voice), "When you call him names and insult him, I believe you are damaging his self esteem." You could follow this up with an example from a study or article you've read. And follow it up with a firmly but calmly stated request for your husband to address his concerns with your son in a respectful tone of voice.

It will be VERY tough and may be more successful if your husband agrees to go to a parenting class, prefferably with you there as support.

HTH!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

My dad verbally abused me growing up. And the one I blame the most is my mother. She just stood there and allowed it to happen. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me while he was yelling at me. She never tried to stop him, never left him, nothing.

And as a result I've spent most of my adult life in therapy trying to heal. This type of abuse is worse than physical abuse because the scars are on the INSIDE where nobody can see them.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

mommyofthree said:


> He makes me sooo mad. He yells at our son so much and calls him nasty names all because he says our son likes video games,drawing and is very artsy and not sports and argues and debates too much.
> On Monday he called my 10 year old son a F*&^ing Pu&^y. OMG!!!!! I flipped out!!!!!
> 
> Then last night he tells me he wants someone to punch our son in the face so he will smarten up. Really!!!!
> ...


Uhhh...NO.


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## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> My dad verbally abused me growing up. And the one I blame the most is my mother. She just stood there and allowed it to happen. She wouldn't even make eye contact with me while he was yelling at me. She never tried to stop him, never left him, nothing.
> 
> And as a result I've spent most of my adult life in therapy trying to heal. This type of abuse is worse than physical abuse because the scars are on the INSIDE where nobody can see them.


I never allow it to continue to happen when it starts and I definitley intervene and take the brunt of it on myself by stepping in the middle and shifting the abuse my way.My son knows I fight for him.

I know scared is not a valid reason to stay...I know the kids come first.I grew up in an abusive home as well.My mom never left and they are very happy now.

This issue is just one of sooooo many but this one is the one I need to deal with before any of the others .My needs and issues are not important as long as this is happening.

I guess I really want to make it work so bad and I see all the good things that would be lost as well.He is a good father (lol...I know ... I mean outside of the verbal crap) and is at every school performance,takes them fishing,swimming,etc. 

maybe I can convince him to enter family councelling with me.God knows im not a perfect parent (nobody is) so maybe I should try that first.

I know his mom and dad are very cold people who were very hard on him growing up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Abusers don't get help in family counseling. He needs to go to an abuser's counselor.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Until he sees that what he's doing is abusive he's unlikely to change.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

mommyofthree said:


> I know scared is not a valid reason to stay... I guess I really want to make it work so bad and I see all the good things that would be lost as well.He is a good father (lol...I know ... I mean outside of the verbal crap) and is at every school performance,takes them fishing,swimming,etc.


Well, it's your life and your choice as to what you do. Advice is a dime a dozen. I kinda got caught up on your husband calling his son a f***ing pu$$y. Sorry, I don't give a good cahoot how many school performances he attends or all the activities he takes his son on. This is child abuse. Okay, you intervene and take the brunt. Your parents went on to have a happy marriage. And, meanwhile, your son has a verbally abusive father as a role model.

I just can't get past a man calling his own child a filthy name.

But, like I said, you ultimately have to decide how to deal with this. Your husband definitely needs counseling. The issue is, will he be willing to go?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would NEVER choose to stay with a man who harmed my child like that. Child comes first in times of abuse.


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## ShawnD (Apr 2, 2012)

mommyofthree said:


> He makes me sooo mad. He yells at our son so much and calls him nasty names all because he says our son likes video games,drawing and is very artsy and not sports


Pick one or more of the following:
1 - your husband is a self-hating closet homosexual 
2 - your husband has extremely low self esteem and needs to dump on things he isn't good at



> and argues and debates too much.


As far as I can tell, people only hate arguing when they suck at it. It takes a lot of brain activity to construct and deconstruct arguments, find logical faults, and convince another person that they are wrong. Usually the parent is smarter than the child, so it's the child who breaks down and gets angry when they see that they are losing the argument. I guess it's always possible for the child to be the smarter one and have the parent resort to name calling or intimidation.

Here's a study I love linking to
Homophobia may reveal denial of own same-sex attraction, study suggests - HealthPop - CBS News


> All together, the study showed that participants with parents accepting of homosexuality were more open and aware of their implicit sexual orientation, while those with authoritative parents were more likely to deny their implicit sexual orientation. The researchers found *participants who said they were heterosexual but revealed different reactions on their implicit tests were more likely to act with hostility toward gay people*.


Dun dun dun! Scientists confirm what everybody has already known since the beginning of time: the people leading the crusade are just trying to shake suspicion. The guy leading the witch hunt is the witch. The guy saying all gays should be killed is probably gay. 



> Our former best friends, the husband called his son Susan all the time, put him through every sport imaginable, to try to toughen him up. That kid is in prison now.


But the important thing is that murdering that family proved that he wasn't gay and he now has his father's respect.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

golfergirl said:


> Firstly, I cheered when I read your son slammed his dad against the wall.
> Secondly, I agree with everything you said. I left an abusive spouse when my kids were 8 and 5. His abuse was just uunder the radar. Name-calling, belittling and a swift kick here and there. I thought I was doing good to protect my kids. Wrong. It was called differing parent styles and the only change is for visitation, my kids now had to spend a specified amount of time with him alone without me as a buffer.
> OP, while your husband's behavior is cruel and abusive, his right to see his son will trump any abuse accusations. So your son will be exposed to the same except without you being there.
> My suggestion is to see if you can get you and husband in to parenting counseling or classes (both of you because he will slam the idea if you say he needs to go) and let a professional tell your husband how damaging his cruel remarks are. Maybe hearing from someone else will clue in this neadrathal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wish I could agree with you but I can't because of several reasons. 

Abusers tend to escalate their behavior over time. This woman could face criminal charges if it ever escalates to a point where a teacher reports him. 

However, it's true that the courts are extremely reluctant to restrict a parent's access to a child, and with good reason. that's why it's critical to document every single instance - there must be substantial proof of ongoing risk. 

Finally, if you cannot leave or don't want to, you may consider something that's a little bit off the wall: You could call the child abuse hotline in your state, and let them know you're the parent who is concerned about your own child, and explain that you'd like them to open a case based on an anonymous report. In other words, your husband doesn't have to know you called, but it could be an eye-opener for him.


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