# Lack of Respect



## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

I wanted to ask for opinions on how a lack of respect might manifest itself between a husband and wife? I have seen some subtle behaviors (nothing too overt) by my wife that I attribute to her lack of respect for me, but wanted to see if it's a lack of respect or... maybe something else? 

In lieu of describing what she does - or doesn't do - I'd really appreciate feedback on what others would anticipate in a marriage if one spouse did not respect the other.

Thanks very much for your help.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Cliff - I'm going to ask a possibly dumb question: what do you mean by 'respect'?

I ask this because I'm from outside the US and I think you folks use the word in a very particular, very specific way that I can't quite understand. 

I see a lot of people talking about 'respect' here. Well, we all expect to be treated with courtesy, dignity, with due regard to our sensitivities, but I get the feeling that for you 'respect' is invested with some extra meaning - can you explain?


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## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

I'm meaning, say, things that are or appear to be self-serving. Mildly selfish actions perhaps. Things done that might be perceived as undermining to the other spouse. Not considering the outcome for the other before action is taken. These kind of things.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Simple litmus test for this - I ask in a very firm voice "would you be ok if I do that to you?" And then I press hard for a yes or a no. If the answer is anything other than a firm "yes", then I say "do you have something to say to me?" And I insist on 2 things:
- an apology and
- a commitment for her to not do it again

BTW - this is exactly the same treatment I would want/expect if the situation were reversed. 

If you allow this type of thing to persist you will end up in a very bad place. 


"Avoiding conflict in an attempt to get laid, is the first step on the road to celibacy"



cliff said:


> I'm meaning, say, things that are or appear to be self-serving. Mildly selfish actions perhaps. Things done that might be perceived as undermining to the other spouse. Not considering the outcome for the other before action is taken. These kind of things.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Cliff - I don't want to divert your thread but I'm fascinated by what I'm reading here. Would you guys say your views are shaped by Biblical teachings about man and wife relationships?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Steve,
Mine are not. They are just based on the golden rule. If I do something to my wife I would not want done to me, I apologize and try not to do it again. 

And that is all I ask from her. I am definitely NOT asking her for a level of behavior that I am not willing to give. 

Actually - we banter about how our marriage is happily 80-20. 

Outside the bedroom we do things the way she wants 80%
Inside the bedroom we do things the way I want 80%

But that 80 percent does not imply I tolerate being spoken to rudely, or being ill treated. Just means I am more flexible/easygoing about what we do in that situation than she is.

And vice versa. 



steve71 said:


> Cliff - I don't want to divert your thread but I'm fascinated by what I'm reading here. Would you guys say your views are shaped by Biblical teachings about man and wife relationships?


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## cliff (Jan 31, 2009)

Thanks MEM11363 and Steve71. 

On Biblical teachings? Not really. Well, maybe in an indirect way as my belief system is based on the Bible, but I just feel I'm being steamrolled and undermined in many parts of the marriage. 

And I love the quote MEM11363, as I've been guilty of this : "Avoiding conflict in an attempt to get laid, is the first step on the road to celibacy."

I just have been in positions where I have to apologize to her when I've spoken out of frustration, as she "shuts down" after what she claims are verbal attacks. But the truth of the matter is we never get down to the content of the message. We have little to no sex, so then I finally snap, and she pulls back for 2 weeks as she recovers - thus guaranteeing no physical interaction w/ me. A win for her. 

Meanwhile, I'm still left with no sexual physical contact. This doesn't seem right. 

Usually, I say no more. I've already said what I wanted to say. She just says my words have bite and a tone to them that emabarrasses her and "cuts her to her core." 

I see it as a lack of respect. I don't know how else to approach her. I've stated when I something out of frustration it isn't pre-planned, it just comes out. Still, she knows how I feel and she does nothing about it. 

I am meeting with a very expensive counselor next week (I have to pay out of pocket.) I just need an opinion as we work thru the other stuff on if her drive is so low, or her lack of wanting to have sex with me, if she choses to stay married to me, what is her role in regards to the physical/sexual aspect of the marriage is? What should her involvement be?


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