# Being INFP



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I don't know how many of you believe in personality testing but it seems to be pretty accurate.

I'm an INFP personality. Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Perceiving. (INFP Profile)

I'm not sure what CanteYola is but he definitely is an introvert at least (he hasn't done the personality test for this).

Do any of you others know what yours is and your spouses are? How does this play a role in your communication? How you perceive each other? Even how you deal with each other on a daily basis?

Relationship Pairs: Definitions

A little more information on personality types can be seen on typelogic if you aren't sure about it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Every time I take these MBTI tests I am always "I.N." but the last two always differ. I just did a quick one and I came up as INTJ this time (as I have before), though sometimes it says INTP, INFJ or INFP. I guess I'm a INXX. My stbxw is most assuredly a ESFJ. I don't have a clue how any of this played a part in our marital breakdown, normally I'd want to find out but with her it is just too damn complicated.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I'm also an INFP. Thought we were "rare."

Married an ESTJ. I believe the differences that seemed so interesting 15 years ago were part of the reason that we eventually couldn't keep it all together.

Opposites attract maybe - but do they truly compliment each other in the long run?


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

I am a INTJ and she is a ESFJ. Howtheheckdidthathappen? :rofl:


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## likegum (Oct 2, 2011)

I'm a ENTP


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Do you all find the descriptions of the personalities accurate? For me, dead on of who I am and how I function. Seriously scary how dead on mine is.

I've heard that INFP'ers are extremely rare...diamond in the rough perhaps...

Nice777Guy - do you have a highly creative side (writing, art, or other). I'm a writer myself. Extremely high level vernacular too. I am also a spelling and grammar psycho, I have a hard time not copy editing everything either in my head or out right (my writing).

I am so anal about it that if books have mistakes I shake my head and correct it as I'm reading (not that psycho that I write in the book though).


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Rocko's Modern Life? Seriously?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Some of those profiles are off. They have the same real life person in more than one congregate group.

Anyway they throw those things at us for work regularly. I doubt I came out the same way twice.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I am an ENFJ. My husband is INTJ. Whatever it means, according to google we're not compatible. I wonder if that is valid in a court of law.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

CantePe said:


> Do you all find the descriptions of the personalities accurate? For me, dead on of who I am and how I function. Seriously scary how dead on mine is.
> 
> I've heard that INFP'ers are extremely rare...diamond in the rough perhaps...
> 
> ...


I like to think I'm fairly quick-witted. Have always loved music - play some guitar / bass. 

I'm not real anal - but enough so to be an accountant.

I've always thought my type was "scary accurate."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I absolutely LOVE reading about the temperments, I have many books on these things. I have found that people who get a handle on their INBORN temperments -and that of thier spouses -are far more likely to understand themselves & each other. Even come to ACCEPT themselves more so for some of the behaviors we may not like a whole lot in ourselves, but at least we learn what we are dealing with.... each temperment has it's strenghts & weaknesses, none is better than another in reality , it is a blessing the world is full of such different people. And often Opposites DO attact and work very well. Me & my husband are night and day in a few things, but we have found it a blessing. 

A leapord will never change his spots, but he can strive to be the Best darn leaoprd he can be. 

I did a thread on this very subject....... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ments-our-spouses-better-understand-them.html 


.... I am an ES(T split with F)J, and my husband is a ISFJ, so we accually THINK very much alike but I am more anaytical having more THINKING , and being Extroverted over his Introverted. 

Also I am a Choleric /Melencholy and he is a Phlegmatic /Melencholy which often works very well in marraige as a Firey assertive even demanding lack of patience Choleric will often be well matched with a calmer partner like a Phlegmatic (who is more passive, more patient but needs a little Ommph in his life & someone to get him on the ball as he likes to relax alot, and take it easy). Where I am strong, he is weak, where He is strong , I am weak... so when our 2 halves come together, especially with our refining much of our weaknesses, we make a glorious whole.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My stbxw is ISTJ I’m ENFP/J. “Opposites” in everything. My wife is even an extreme introvert (95%) and I was an extreme extrovert (95%, been working that). In our case it was opposites attracting like powerful magnets, irresistible, passionate attraction.

Carl Jung the eminent psychologist who came up with the descriptive words of Introversion/Extroversion, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling (Judging/Perceiving are Myers Briggs) speaks of these opposites attracting and coming together to “make one” for the role of building a marriage, a home, bringing up children etc. In that one person does not have all the necessary traits, attitudes and skills to do these things on their own. The failures of the majority of single parent families attest to this.

But Carl Jung also talks of what happens when the child rearing is over and the children have flown the nest. And in particular what happens if the couple have enough money so they are not troubled financially. Up until this time the couple have been kind of “back to back” working as a team in their own “couples world”. But at this time when their major objectives have been completed they turn around and actually see one another maybe for the first time in a really long time.

What happens next is very interesting. They do find that they are truly opposite and have more or less opposite ideas of where their lives should go, which paths to take, at this stage of their lives. So there are two struggles. The first entails each getting to really know the other and the second entails choosing which path to take. This was an immensely enjoyable but at the same time stressful time in my marriage to my wife. We tried both paths, both “new worlds”. My wife’s was for things to remain as they were. That was what was stressful for me, I wanted out of that world but at the same time for us to stay together. This went on for 5 years or so.

Then my wife tried my new world and she was with me for two years. She settled but didn’t settle and was very conflicted. In the end she went back to our original country. I couldn’t live in her world and she couldn’t live in mine. Although I have heard she wants back but now I couldn’t take the disruptions brought about by our opposite natures no matter how much I loved her in the past or how much I could love her again. She has to change for that to happen.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> My stbxw is ISTJ I’m ENFP/J. “Opposites” in everything. My wife is even an extreme introvert (95%) and I was an extreme extrovert (95%, been working that). In our case it was opposites attracting like powerful magnets, irresistible, passionate attraction.


Yep, this is what this my *"Please Understand Me*" books says...

...."Now who would enjoy this frisky bubbly -yet serious--person? The Rock of Gibralter, of coarse--ISTJ, the trustee, who revels in keeping the books in order , balancing the budget, securing and ensuriing, stabilizing and steading, honornig contracts, keeping the ship on a steady course, and shipshape, delights also in providing anchorage & safe harbor for the heradic ENFP". Also says INTJ would be a suitable match. 

AFEH, wouldn't you say this... had your wife got a handle on her weaknesses & turned them into at least half strengths, used them to help the marriage instead of hinder it, I bet you would still be married today , and happily...... Like the passive aggressive thing, it has to be a fact that the introverted suffer more from this issue, while the extroverted suffer more from being a Bull to explosion when we are upset. One needs to tone it down, the other needs to let it out. 

I can tell you , my temperment can be a like a Mack truck IF I allow it (notice Martha Stewart for the Poster child on the "Thinking" aspect anyway) ...and what does it say....*"RUN"*! I am capable of going too far in wanting things DONE...and NOW....and in a certain way... I research everything to a fine degree and inwardly think I am always right. If I allowed myself to conduct myself in this manner with everyone in my life, noone would be able to stand me!! They'd all be lining up inwardly wanting to do this ... :BoomSmilie_anim::BoomSmilie_anim::cussing: 

I recognized when I started reading this stuff, I had many of those unfavorable choleric traits and some melancholy ones too (trying to be a perfectionist) in my youth. I was lucky my husband had the patience to put up with me, I surely had my moments! I could never stand Sanguines drowning in thier weaknesses, as they were the most irresponsible ones in the bunch, they forget everything they promise, rarely can you count on them to finish a project, they are too busy talking & charming, goofing off . Oh did such things irritate me. 

But I have worked to overcome much of these overly judgemental weaknesses for the most part, toned down my expectations of others. One of my best friends told me a few years back that I used to "intimidate" her when we were in High School. And I was even SHY back then. I had no idea! She says I am so much better today, even ALOT more laid back than I used to be, some may even think I am a cheerfully optimistic Sanquine -if they was to guess by how I conduct myself , but so not the case. 


For every thread like this - I simply MUST add this saying.... also from the book ... Amazon.com: Please Understand Me: Character and Temperament Types (9780960695409): David Keirsey, Marilyn Bates: Books




> *"Different Drums for Different Drummers" *
> 
> If I do not want what you want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.
> 
> ...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

AFEH said:


> My stbxw is ISTJ I’m ENFP/J. “Opposites” in everything. My wife is even an extreme introvert (95%) and I was an extreme extrovert (95%, been working that). In our case it was opposites attracting like powerful magnets, irresistible, passionate attraction.
> 
> Carl Jung the eminent psychologist who came up with the descriptive words of Introversion/Extroversion, Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling (Judging/Perceiving are Myers Briggs) speaks of these opposites attracting and coming together to “make one” for the role of building a marriage, a home, bringing up children etc. In that one person does not have all the necessary traits, attitudes and skills to do these things on their own. The failures of the majority of single parent families attest to this.
> 
> ...


Bob, you and I are both ENFJ? Does the P/J make that big of a difference? I wonder if our shadows are similar then.

I took another test online and scored INFJ with a very differing description than the ENFJ so no idea how much weight to put into it. I will say that although I am very outgoing and can sell things very well...it's not something I like to do or would regularly choose to do without cause. Currently I'm a marketing and communication coordinator and the job itself is driving me insane, if it weren't for a cause I feel deeply for and value as important, I would not want to do it at all.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yep, this is what this my *"Please Understand Me*" books says...
> 
> ...."Now who would enjoy this frisky bubbly -yet serious--person? The Rock of Gibralter, of coarse--ISTJ, the trustee, who revels in keeping the books in order , balancing the budget, securing and ensuriing, stabilizing and steading, honornig contracts, keeping the ship on a steady course, and shipshape, delights also in providing anchorage & safe harbor for the heradic ENFP". Also says INTJ would be a suitable match.
> 
> ...


Why do I have trouble picturing you as a mac truck?! :rofl:


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Trenton said:


> I am an ENFJ. My husband is INTJ. Whatever it means, according to google we're not compatible. I wonder if that is valid in a court of law.


My wife and I same combo going on our twelve year.

Husband (me) INTJ
Wife (her) ENFJ

She is the god damn sunshine. Everybody loves her until they eff up and then god help them. Hahaha. She is the bomb!


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yep, this is what this my *"Please Understand Me*" books says...
> 
> ...."Now who would enjoy this frisky bubbly -yet serious--person? The Rock of Gibralter, of coarse--ISTJ, the trustee, who revels in keeping the books in order , balancing the budget, securing and ensuriing, stabilizing and steading, honornig contracts, keeping the ship on a steady course, and shipshape, delights also in providing anchorage & safe harbor for the heradic ENFP". Also says INTJ would be a suitable match.
> 
> ...


Very accurate description. We were well matched even in the “stars” lol. My stbxw is Capricorn and I’m Aries, not supposed to be a good mix but the Capricorn in my wife provided a very solid base for me to go out and about from the home to do my creative and somewhat original ways of being the provider.

With the passive aggression I came to see that for my stbx to stop being an unforgiving, bitter and resentful passive aggressive woman is the same as asking me to stop being a readily forgiving, understanding, empathetic and compassionate man. I think these things are exceptionally personal, at the very core of our psyche.

I’m a readily forgiving person for very selfish reasons. I forgive others a million times more for myself than I do it for the person I’m forgiving. If they benefit from it great, if they don’t, great. I do it so that I do not hold onto grudges and live in the past … and so I do not become a bitter and resentful, passive aggression man. So if I dropped my readiness to forgive, I wouldn’t know myself anymore.

And I think the same for my stbx, but she's "opposite" to me. She’s a bitter, resentful, unforgiving, passive aggressive woman for very personal selfish reasons because by being that way she gets to hurt me and hurt me deeply. If she ever changed her unforgiving nature, she wouldn’t any longer know who she is and would have a crisis of identity. What had actually happened in the past, I’m such a forgiving person that I continuously forgave “without boundaries”. That is, I made my love for her unconditional. Last time round I forgave but put up boundaries (of intolerance) such that it was never going to happen again. She couldn’t live with that and it was over.

I never wanted to separate. We go way back to when we were teenagers, it meant losing the love of my life and half the money I have. I earnestly believe that if she could have changed her unforgiving nature we would still be together. But not only that I believe she would have truly blossomed and grown into a delightful and lovely wise old woman. That bitterness and resentment does terrible things not only to a person’s heart, spirit and soul but also to their body. Mostly around the digestive system and in the bones, it has a caustic cancerous effect. I also believe it to be one of the causes of Alzheimer’s.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can tell you , my temperment can be a like a Mack truck IF I allow it (notice Martha Stewart for the Poster child on the "Thinking" aspect anyway) ...and what does it say....*"RUN"*! I am capable of going too far in wanting things DONE...and NOW....and in a certain way... I research everything to a fine degree and inwardly think I am always right. If I allowed myself to conduct myself in this manner with everyone in my life, noone would be able to stand me!! They'd all be lining up inwardly wanting to do this ... :BoomSmilie_anim::BoomSmilie_anim::cussing:
> 
> I recognized when I started reading this stuff, I had many of those unfavorable choleric traits and some melancholy ones too (trying to be a perfectionist) in my youth. I was lucky my husband had the patience to put up with me, I surely had my moments! I could never stand Sanguines drowning in thier weaknesses, as they were the most irresponsible ones in the bunch, they forget everything they promise, rarely can you count on them to finish a project, they are too busy talking & charming, goofing off . Oh did such things irritate me.
> 
> ...


One marriage enrichment program I know of talks of Rhinos and Hedgehogs. I’ve often wondered what it’d be like with two Rhinos, or two Hedgehogs. With the Rhinos I imagine they’d either get problems between them resolved very quickly and then they’d be forgotten, moving on in a better way, or they’d both end up dead! With two Hedgehogs I wonder if they’d ever resolve anything! Would they just both store up cavernous amounts of bitterness and resentment and never ever really get to know one another?

You sound like me, a Rhino. But as I move on in my years I no longer like doing the Rhino bit. I never did like it at all anyway, just wasn’t aware of any alternatives. Many years back I started working on myself and on those alternatives. But my wife’s passive aggression could sure bring that Rhino out of me and I’d had enough. That’s why I made her staying with me conditional, conditional that she drop her passive aggressive ways. She didn’t even try! So my judgement is that what she had with me was not enough of a carrot for her and in that respect I was way better off without her.

So the only way I could see of not being that Rhino anymore and continue on my particular path to individuation was to no longer be with my wife.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> I’m a readily forgiving person for very selfish reasons. I forgive others a million times more for myself than I do it for the person I’m forgiving. If they benefit from it great, if they don’t, great. I do it so that I do not hold onto grudges and live in the past … and so I do not become a bitter and resentful, passive aggression man. So if I dropped my readiness to forgive, I wouldn’t know myself anymore.


 I am forgiving too, but not as readily as you, I need time to maul over things and work them out of my heart- this takes more mental exhaustion than maybe it should but it is MY way, and when I overcome, it has been washed away in the ocean. Until I get there though, I am unsettled & I am miserable and I KNOW it. 

Once this girl hurt my son, this was MY CHILD, it tore at him deeply, his talking to me about it -fueled my dislike for her in VERY negative ways, it would have been less an issue had she been REAL with him- not lying, being the examplary christian girl she was-or everyone thought. I was so angry over her behavior, I even confronted her at my house in a nice way (can anyone be honest I ask?) then ran my mouth about her shorty after....it got back to her... I knew I was in the WRONG this time!! 

I ended up going all out & writing her & her parents a 2 page letter (these people went to my church, how embarrasing!)- asking them to forgive ME, how I should not have reacted like that, It was very freaking vulnerable (I am good for that -it is like a freeing after I get something off my chest & admit my wrong)..... but to say I don't get mad and can slam -NEVER. 

The Dad accually wrote back to me & was so kind , words of encourangement to my son, very forgiving -even telling me I was an "example to behold" in how I delt with this, but literally it took me reading a book on forgiveness and mauling over that girl for 3 long months for me to get that completely "out of my system" , so If I seen her out & about -I could hold my head high, smile and mean it -in my being, no bs fake smiles to save face. 

Maybe it shouldn't take this long, but that is just ME. When it is over, it is truly buried. I don't think forgiving is easy by any means, when you are truly hurt . 

I also find it MUCH MUCH MUCH harder when the other person does not give a damn (regardless of thier words) . That was this situation. When the other person DOES CARE & communication has went forth I do find it EASY to make amends - very easy infact, I am very "readily" there.... 2 hearts coming together to put something past them & continue on is beautiful...

But when you have to walk that path alone, leaving another behind knowing you are 'dirt" in the others eyes, or never a consideration anyway, to forgive THAT ---- for me it is grueling. But I do it, because I genuinely like myself and It is their loss if they can not see my heart --or in that case, my sons. 

I found it harder to forgive that darn girl than ANYTHING someone has ever done to me, I guess it is very personal when it is an attack on your kids. The heart of a mother is an awesome thing-or a fierce thing, so I have learned. 




> I earnestly believe that if she could have changed her unforgiving nature we would still be together. But not only that I believe she would have truly blossomed and grown into a delightful and lovely wise old woman.


I believe this. 

These are the lessons to learn from others lives, how not to be, seeing how these things can destroy so very much... 40 yrs of a marraige is like insane!! Had your wife taken the risk and been openly vulnerable with you about how she was feeling, what a difference it could have made. Even if it would have been excrusiating for her to go there, even if she opened herself up to more hurt, if the person is worth the risk - most especially our spouse!! ... cause when you don't get rejected, it is truly life giving. 

Sorry for your loss AHEF ..... Living with harbored unforgiveness & hidden resentment, oh my, we have enough struggles in life as it is, with health issues, things breaking down, financial concerns, why add this monster on our backs, invading our psyches. I don't need any more clutter up there. I have enough to think about. I highly value peace in my relationships, all of them. 

I just got this book in the mail yesterday , written by the same authors as "the 5 love languages"- this is "*The 5 languages of Apology*". I love reading about stuff like this, even though I think I already have it all down. 

Here is some kind of test online for these things: Apology Language Quiz | The 5 Love Languages®


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Very well done with your “recovery job”! Humility is a wonderful trait, but can be hard got.

One of the reasons I readily forgive is so I can see and understand my role in whatever happened. And because I was “there” I sure as heck played some kind of a role in what got me hurt. This is totally different to say being knocked down by a drunken driver while waiting at a bus stop. In that case, we’re an innocent bystander. But in marriage, for example, are we ever an innocent bystander? My answer is no. There will be something we’ve done in the past that contributed to our pain, the pain we need to forgive the person for.

But if we cannot see that contribution of ours then we sure as heck are going to repeat the same mistakes. And “forgiving first” takes away our angst, our bitterness and resentment and need for revenge, freeing us up to “maybe” see how we contributed to what happened. I could never get that philosophy of life through to my wife, no matter what or how hard I tried. So I came to see my contribution to the pain I got from my wife was my lack of boundaries. That I contributed to the abuse from my wife by forgiving without boundaries. It’s what the “helplessly abused” do! Think on a child for a bit, a child who cannot enforce boundaries and stop the abuse. As an adult I can obviously enforce my boundaries. Just that I wasn’t aware of the things, I didn’t even know they existed! I had some sure, but only subconsciously, never consciously.

And “forgiving first” when hurt, before anything else, lets us be cool calm and collected and really think things through. It is immensely hard to do sometimes, forgive first. But if we do we are better able to see our role in whatever happened. I think that’s when we begin to understand what humility really is. It’s a quality I’m trying to gain but I struggle with that one.

But saying all that I am so bitter and resentful towards my stbx it’s unbelievable. I have actually come to hate her. And the reason I hate her is for her bitterness and resentment against me! Crazy or what? But unlike my wife, I could never live with her while I have this stuff inside of me. How on earth she lived with me thinking about me in the ways I now know for certain she did is way way beyond me.


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