# love lost



## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

A bit about “us”, hubby and I have been married now 16 years this November. We have 6 kids ranging from 16 to 1. I married him when I was 17, he was 34. Our wedding wasn’t born out of the normal circumstances but more toward the getting me out of a violent home with my folks. We were attracted to each other, I loved him, and I felt that I had met my soul mate. 
He used to make me feel loved and special for the first few years

I guess I always felt that maybe he did care about me but never really loved me but I figured that as long as I loved him then I was ok with it. I’ve always tried to please him in any way I could, made sure he knew my feelings about him through poems that I would write. I’ve been an honest, loyal submissive wife and for the most part he has been a good provider and friend. Every year of our anniversary I would ask him if he would give me a dance, I don’t want for anything else and every year I get the same nothing. When I asked him one year why he didn’t want to dance with me it either an excuse that maybe when we get in to a house or maybe if he had a few drinks he might be in the mood. 


The only time he says “I love you” or seems to notice me or touches me now is when he wants sex. I am referred to being his [email protected]&k toy, his take on terms of endearment maybe idk but all of it just makes me feel used. Not loved or wanted but just used like I’m his afterthought. When asked why he didn’t show me the emotions or feelings that he loved me he told me that he was too old for those feelings. 


I have tried repeatedly asking him to go out of his way and just write me a note saying “I love you”, “thinking of you” something, anything that would let me know that he thinks of me or that I’m still special, but it never happens. It has come to the point that I’m feeling unloved, and have become resentful of his and our oldest daughter’s relationship. He has made the comment on one of her pictures he was looking at on her FB page, that she reminded him of me when we first met. They do everything together, go places, laugh and joke, he makes sure she is happy and tries to fix it if she isn’t. He sends her emails of the things I’ve asked him to do for me. He approaches her to strike up conversations on how she is, what all she’s doing, I could go on but won’t. I think I painted a pretty good picture His excuse for not doing things with me is because of our kids. (mind you we have 5 other kids he has nothing to do with).

I have told him that I feel our daughter has taken my place and that I feel like I don’t belong anymore. 

I feel bad for admitting that I’m jealous of their relationship and I know I wouldn’t be if I got some of that attention that I so badly need. I feel like I’m on the out skirts looking in, watching him smile and play around with her, waiting for him to need sex in order to be touched or held. I’ve been trying to get him to understand the severity of my feelings but I honestly don’t think he cares. He knows how I feel I didn’t keep anything from him. He knows how unhappy I have become and how I’m slowly giving up, guarding my heart. I hate feeling this way.


When we’re having sex he sounds so sincere, saying how much he loves me and I really want to believe him with all my heart. But as soon as we’re done it’s like I’m not even there, he doesn’t talk to me, don’t touch me, no contact what so ever unless he needs me to do something. 

Right now I’m at the point that I would be better off on my own at least then I’ll know for sure that I am. I don’t know what else to do to try to save our marriage because I do still have deep feelings for him, although I really wish I didn’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt this way with anybody else or I was just too young and dumb to accept that we really weren’t anything else but a physical relationship.


I guess I’m just looking for support and or advice on what I should do. I have brought up MC but he wants nothing to do with it, says we don’t need it. If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I really appreciate it

xoxo


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sorry you feel like an afterthought and a sex object. It sounds like your husband has lost his need for intimacy and emotional connection with you. 

While I think it's great he's so close to your daughter, I can see why you'd be jealous of their relationship. If he's open and giving with her, you want the same, and that's not too much to ask for as his wife.

Have you told him you're thinking of separating because of his treatment of you? I think that conversation needs to happen. Let him know how lonely and hurt you feel and that you can't last like this.


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## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

I have told him that I'm thinking about leaving, he said he wouldn't stop me and if I did leave him that it would just be his loss....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

broken_hearted said:


> I have told him that I'm thinking about leaving, he said he wouldn't stop me and if I did leave him that it would just be his loss....



Wow. That's harsh. He seems either okay with it, or he doesn't believe you would actually do it.

I'm sorry but I couldn't live that way. I'd be packing up.


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## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

he has also admitted to holding back on me but claims he doesn't know why. That just makes my feelings feel even more real when he says that.


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## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Wow. That's harsh. He seems either okay with it, or he doesn't believe you would actually do it.
> 
> I'm sorry but I couldn't live that way. I'd be packing up.


That's pretty much where I am at this point, but I have our kids to think about and I know he wouldn't be able to take care of them the way they need to be.


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Broken Hearted, please look at your inbox for a pm.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

broken_hearted said:


> That's pretty much where I am at this point, but I have our kids to think about and I know he wouldn't be able to take care of them the way they need to be.


The kids would go with me. If you want to make this about your kids and their homelife not getting disrupted, then unfortunately you are stuck. You will have to accept his treatment of you until they are old enough to take care of themselves. 

I don't believe in the 'staying for the kids' way of thinking.


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## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

uphillbattle said:


> Broken Hearted, please look at your inbox for a pm.


I got it tyvm


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## broken_hearted (Sep 23, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> The kids would go with me. If you want to make this about your kids and their homelife not getting disrupted, then unfortunately you are stuck. You will have to accept his treatment of you until they are old enough to take care of themselves.
> 
> I don't believe in the 'staying for the kids' way of thinking.


I don't believe in it either, my folks did that and it didn't turn out to well.

Right now I am trying to make a plan for me. I start my job next week (haven't worked in over ten years), the pay is low but at least it will be something so I'll at least have an option.

I just need to believe in myself, make my plan and stick to it. This just sucks beyond words can express right now.


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