# Is this normal?



## Unsure1234

I'm currently in marriage counseling with my spouse of 10 years, after I said I was done with the marriage unless something major changed. He's admitted to being physically, sexually, emotionally abusive, manipulating and controlling. The counselor confirms all of this and adds that he's also passive aggressive and has an attachment disorder.

Here's my question: Last week in counseling when I said I was DONE with the marriage and I wanted out (in front of my husband). The counselor flat out told me (also in front of my husband) that I couldn't afford to live on my own with our 2 kids, and that I risked losing them to my husband if I couldn't prove I could provide for them adequately. 

I know that it would be hard with only a high school diploma and being a SAHM for 10 years, but I still don't think it was appropriate for her to say that in front of my spouse. Am I wrong??


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## amberlynn

no youre not wrong, but the counselor was.. she has no right to judge anyone..sounds to me shes on your husbands side... maybe you should see about finding a different counselor.


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## Unsure1234

Thanks. Every single person I asked about that has said that she shouldn't have said that to me. It's not unknown that it's hard to suvive as a single mom when you have the challenges of finding a job, raising kids, etc. It's not impossible though!

I called the local domestic violence hotline last week and I have an appointment with one of their counselors tomorrow. I'm seriously considering just not going to the other counselor on Wednesday and just sending my husband to the session by himself.

There's so many things telling me just to file for divorce.


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## JDPreacher

File...don't know where you live but you can get spousal support and you can get child support and don't buy into that BS that he will get the kids because you've been home with the kids. If you can prove the abuse, and you can with statements from the counseling sessions, then you don't have a lot to worry about.

You can get an attorney and ask that the fees be paid for by your husband...

In the meantime make arrangements for child care for the kids and seek at the very least a PT job...

The counselor was an ass for telling you such a thing, sometimes opinion supercedes good advice and when it does, it's time to bail on the counselor.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Unsure1234

I had a counseling appointment with crisis intervention today in my town. They were super nice, and they said I was in the right place to come for help.


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## Unsure1234

So I finally told my husband that I'm going to refrain from going to joint sessions with him for the time being (so it won't look negative). He knows I'm seeing the other counselor already, but I told him I need to work more on myself individually and then re-evaluate things to see if I want to join him back in his sessions. I thought I would have to deal with him not speaking to me, but he actually came home a little too happy which is completely out of character when I go against his wishes. I feel like I still have to keep my guard up and wait for the next blame session.

I'm working on some job applications and I'm in contact with Social Services. They're checking to see if there is any kind of employment program that I qualify for. Crisis Intervention is going to help me out too with resources and they said there's some free legal advice also.

For the time being, there's been a minor weight lifted off my shoulders and I feel more empowered!


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## JDPreacher

Good for you and good luck to you from here on out...don't let anyone take away you're sense of empowerment.

You are stong, you will overcome...

Preacher


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## voivod

sometimes it's best to go where you will hear only what you want to hear. to confirm your beliefs. i think.

abuse is wrong. you know that. human nature should be to get away from it. if you aren't compelled to do so, check your head.


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## easysilence

voivod said:


> sometimes it's best to go where you will hear only what you want to hear. to confirm your beliefs. i think.



Huh? What do you mean by that? Seriously, I don't understand.


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## TioMauricio

What that counselor said was definitely out of line! She should have pulled you aside to tell you, and should have asked you what you think instead of just flat out telling you like that.

Unsure, I'm thinking it's probably best for you and your husband to do individual therapy. You said your husband was physically, sexually, emotionally abusive, manipulating and controlling... that is NOT creating a SAFE place for therapy!

Good for you for getting your own counselor. You need a SAFE place!


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## Unsure1234

One thing that my husband told me that the counselor said to him when I wasn't there this last time was:

My husband told her that I felt like she had broken my trust when she told me that I couldn't afford to leave. The counselor said "Why? She shouldn't have trusted me"

To me this seems really messed up. Either my husband is twisting words, or the counselor is seriously whacked! Either way, I'm glad I'm out of that environment. 

Last night my husband was seriously upset (sobbing, head in the hands, the whole works) that he had cancer and was going to die in 5 years (just from reading symptoms online). He said I wanted to leave him because I didn't want to be with someone who was going to die in 5 years. He also said that he's only mentioning it now because he realizes he will be going through it alone. He accused me of being unsympathetic, uncaring, not compassionate, etc. A few hours later (3:30 in the morning) he said he really didn't think he needed to go to the doctor at all because he was making more out of it than was really there. UGH!!


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## XiaSulin

I don't know about the counselor. But with your husband it sounds like he was really upset in general because he knows you are unhappy with him and perhaps can feel you are going to leave him soon. And maybe being alone scares him. Maybe that was his way of saying 'I don't want you to go'. Maybe the 'I have cancer' wasn't the real issue, and all those tears were really just from the idea of going through life without you.

I don't know. Sorry you had to go through that with your husband. Have you talked with him as to why you don't think the marriage will work?


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