# Is my marriage doomed?



## stressed1951 (Jan 12, 2010)

This year we should celebrate 20 years of marriage. Generally the years have been good and the only times we argued have been about money or lack of. In early 2009 I found out that she had been having a 'relationship' with a married guy who lived next for a short time. The guys wife and I emailed one another to keep tabs on the 2 of them. He now lives outside the US and apart from a missing weekend when she should have been at a girls night out, there was never the chance for sex. When I finally confronted my wife about it, she said nothing happened, they were just friends and nothing ever happened and the guys wife was a loonytoon and probably made much of it up. I found emails from my wife to a girlfriend where she expressed her liking for this guy. When confronted about this she said she knew I had been 'snooping' in her emails and they were red herrings she planted?? Through all this she never admitted the inappropriateness of what she had done, no matter how innocent in her eyes. We agreed to put it behind us and make a renewed effort, especially as she had said I was undemonstrative as a husband. That was January last year.
Since then I have made a lot of effort to be a more 'emotionally tuned husband and made a conscious effort to say and do the right things AND mean it. I rarely find these days that she responds.
In recent months she has become a Facebook fan and by 'accidental curiosity' I was able to get into her account. I found that the co-owner of a store she has been working part-time at was 'hitting' on her and had sent some pretty raw stuff like sex toys and such as well as the usual 'I luv you, miss you' stuff. I have not been able to see what she has replied. My wife saw me at the PC this one time and guessed what I had been doing. We had a 'talk' about the whole thing and she said he had a crush on her, she didn't fancy him and she was dealing with it. They guy is in a strange marriage (his #2) and I suspect he is frustrated. He does not appear to be my wife' type at all. This guy and his wife are friends of ours too, just to make matters worse. Since then she has changed her FB password so I don't see anything, but I am still able to get into her email account and thanks to FB's way of notifying messages I can scan over the messages and read them with out actually opening the email and arousing suspicion. It is clear she hasn't dealt with it, quite the opposite - she seems to be encouraging it. The messages from him are getting quite raw again and in on recent one he remarked about what my wife had said about 'he know that he wants what she wants and that they should be careful'.
I am at my wits end with this. I want to confront her, but my information comes via a source I shouldn't have access to and if I reveal it, she will simply change the password on the email account and I'll be totally out of the loop. I have also thought about telling the guys wife about what they are up to. The most drastic option is simply leave or kick her out. I have 2 lovely kids and it breaks my heart that we may split, unless we can haul this back on the straight and narrow again.
In our 'talks' my wife has accused me of snooping, but I never ever did this till she broke the trust between us. Now I seem to look for her doing wrong at every turn. Unfortunately at every turn, that's what she seems to be doing.
Any advice as to what I should do to bring this to a head?


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

i think others on here have used keyloggers on the computers so they can see all correspondence your wife might have with anyone else. I think she is giving you enough reason to check...I learned the hard way when the PA was in full force.....you need to know otherwise you will guess the rest of your life andnever really trust her, if she wasn't doing anything wrong why change the password?
goo luck


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree. If she's not lying - she should have nothing to hide. Based on her actions she needs to prove some things to you. How about you surprise her with a 20 year anniversary marriage retreat. Serious. You guys need some counseling. Something is about to get worse before it can get better. 

I kicked my H off FB. He avoided answering whether he was married when asked by 'old classmates', and led ladies to believe he'd "love to meet up next time I'm in town" which apparently was "just an expression" he said. No. Wrong. FB gone. She's not being honest with you about something. Deal now - or the pain will be even greater later. My reco - drop your ego and tell her she is hurting you. If she responds in a way that wants to hurt you MORE - even when you are already showing pain, then you'll have a very powerful answer. And at least you can say to yourself that you really tried.
Good luck.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

how did this work out?

I am curious, because i was in your exact situation with an online affair by my wife.


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## Bigwayneo (Jan 22, 2011)

stressed1951 said:


> I want to confront her, but my information comes via a source I shouldn't have access to and if I reveal it, she will simply change the password on the email account and I'll be totally out of the loop. I have also thought about telling the guys wife about what they are up to.


Well, I am pretty new here myself, but I am pretty sure in general, being married there should be total transperancy anyway. There should be nothing to hide as it is. You should always be able to say "hey can we look at your internet stuff" and should with confidance show you all of it without worry. But she apparently has to worry, being things are going on. 

YEs you should tell the other guys wife. She needs to know as well.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

If it were me, I would do a couple simple things...

1. tell your wife you know whats up... its got to stop and now.
2. copy the emails, go to a Kinko's and send them to his wife from a free email account. - hell send them to his office, parents and anyone else you can find.

put the pressure on him to quit. 

My wife cheated, and im still with her and married 10 years. i made her call the guy on speaker phone and end it in front of me. at least i wasnt wondering after that.

Take your life and your wife back, if you want her.


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