# My mess



## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

Help me please!

I'm married and have 2 children and am on the verge of losing everything I worked so hard for.

It started with an older guy paying attention to me. I brushed it off because he was over 10-years older than me. It was completely harmless when it started. I tried to stop a few times, but he always found a way to get back in touch with me. After a while, it turned physical. I did something so unbelievably stupid. I can't even understand why I did it. I also got caught by my children and daughter's friend.

My kids told my husband. He exploded about how F-ing stupid could I be to do something like this when the kids were around and how could I do this to us, etc. He was yelling and insulting me in front of our children. I tried denying it, but he called the OM and he admitted to it.

My daughter couldn't even go to school at the end of the year. My kids won't speak to me. They told my parents, my parents won't speak to me. I tried calling my dad today for father's day and he cried and told me he had to go. 

I still can't believe that I was used. We had a real connection and now he is denying it. To save his own marriage I'm certain. Why does he get to keep his family and mine is disowning me? The old double standard at work. 

I'm about to lose everything. My husband won't even hear of counseling. If he truly loved me we'd get past this. I'd forgive him. I've tried explaining that and he just gets angrier.

I made another mistake and moved out of the house. My kids and H were insistent that I go. Now my kids refuse to speak with me, write/email me, or spend time with me. I was in the PTA, helped sell girl scout cookies, was a homeroom mother, walked the floor at night when they were sick, etc. How could they forget everything I have done! My daughter is in counseling and wants to be home schooled because she says she can't face her friends at school next year. My husband speaks to me, but only in a business like tone. He said I killed us. 

Before it turned physical, I tried telling him that I had an older man was flirting with me. He brushed it off. Does he not own part of this as well? 

I read some of the posts on here and tried calling the OMs wife. She already knew, told me to not call any more and that I was harassing her family. This can't be legal, surely there is something I can do, get him for slander?

I am at a complete loss. I know it was wrong, but this outcome is not possible. I was a good mom/wife/person. I do not deserve this and cannot figure out how to help my family understand that. This cannot be my life. It doesn't even seem real.

I also want the OM to tell me one on one why he is now acting this way. 

How can I fix this mess??


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I feel the pain in your post. But, I have to say no, your H doesn't "own part of this" and neither does the OM. You are responsible for what you did. 
My advice is to get your H away from the house in a neutral place and talk to him. Remind him of your family and all you will lose. Keep in mind that taking you back would be a big hit to his self respect and pride. I know this, I've been there.
Let him know you understand this and tell him how you feel. You need to understand there's a painful atonement for what you did but you need to start the process. Believe it of not, you could actually be closer as a couple after all of this. 
I wish you the very best.

WHN


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

How is the OM not responsible? He was right there with me. He chased me, not the other way around. He is married also. 

I was never a ****ty girl and have only been with 2 other guys before my H. Both were long term boyfriends. I have never ever done anything like this before.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

Also, if your wife told you some other guy was hitting on her, would you brush it off?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry dear but you diserve this, so the best thing right now is own it, make no excusess for it.

Once you truely own this behavior then you can make the step with in your self to change. To make a personal commitment to your self to never be that person again.

Then you can only hope that your husband and kids see this change and see that you have taken full responsablity for your actions and see the new person infront of them that can regain their trust.

So please stop with the OM did this and he did that and I don't diserve this and that.....own this sh*t and women up. You f*cked up and now take the cosequences like a big girl and stop blaming the OM and show your family who you really are and what you want to be.

It will take time to show them that you are different now and the ughly lessons you learned will make you a better person.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Anymum said:


> How is the OM not responsible? He was right there with me. He chased me, not the other way around. He is married also.


He is responsible for his own marriage, but not yours. Until* you *own up to screwing your marriage up *all by yourself*, you will never be able to begin to heal.
*You *allowed this. Having some guy flirt with you made you feel good. *You* felt alive, excited and beautiful. Then your fantasy crashed all around *you.*
*You* did it, not your husband, not the OM.
The OM was obviously looking for a quick lay with no strings attached and got it.

What do you think would have happened if you had not been caught?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Anymum said:


> I still can't believe that I was used. We had a real connection and now he is denying it. To save his own marriage I'm certain. Why does he get to keep his family and mine is disowning me? The old double standard at work.


It's too bad you didn't find this forum before you had the affair. People such as myself would have warned you that the only connection he had with you was wanting to bang you and put another notch in his belt. When are you women going to learn that a man will tell you ANYTHING to get in your pants??



Anymum said:


> I'm about to lose everything. My husband won't even hear of counseling. If he truly loved me we'd get past this. I'd forgive him. I've tried explaining that and he just gets angrier.


Easy for you to say since your the one that cheated. If you truly loved your husband you wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place, and certainly not been stupid enough to get caught by your children. Talk about throwing caution to the wind. Some people don't want to deal with the deception and lies. You not only cheated, you lied about it afterward. And now have the gall to blame your husband for not doing something when you told him someone was flirting with you?



Anymum said:


> How can I fix this mess??


You can start be accepting full responsibility for your actions.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

I'm not trying to make excuses. I admit i made a mistake, but the end result is to severe. Also, just pointing out that I'm not alone in this mess. Why doesn't all of the things I have done before count for anything? How long is this supposed to take. It's been over a month and only getting worse.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

I'm not an easy lay! This was a mistake and I want to fix it.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please stop under esimating the severity of this.

Fix it by taking all the severity and blame and carry it...own it and except all the consequences that are put on you. Do this with out any deniel. Show your family you will except and understand there pain that you have caused. 

Once they see you owning this mistake it will be easier for them to forgive.

This is going on for ...what a month and nothings changed? its getting worse? Well please look inside your self in what you can change to show others. What is it that *you* can do different that you haven't done in the last month?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Might I ask what you thought the consequences would be? 

In the least offensive way possible, you are not going to be seen as classy under these circumstances honey. It was in fact for the OM, an easy lay.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

At the time I never stopped to consider the consequences, but would have never imagined this. You cannot imagine how horrible I feel. This went against everything I believed in. I don't know why I did this.

You are also making assumptions about the OM. I can't believe that he used me me for just sex. He shared personal issues with me. He won't even give me the time of day now for one last discussion to close this out. He has washed his hands of me.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I can probably ball park it, I watched my husband go through this same thing. He had an affair as well, and it ended pretty similarly. And he thought the same thing about his affair partner, that it must be real, that she really GOT him, they could be so happy. Then he found out she was basically after a paycheck and someone to rub in her husbands face. And she got it! Almost at the cost of two marriages!! 

No one here is going to say you are a terrible person, just that you did a terrible thing. as you can tell by being here, it happens a lot. the first thing you are going to probably have to realize, is what the FOG is. Because I think you are still in it quite a bit


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

What is the fog?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Anymum said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses.


You're trying to lessen the severity of because you want it to just "go away".


Anymum said:


> I admit i made a mistake, but the end result is to severe.


So was the mistake!
How do you think your husband feels? You betrayed him.



Anymum said:


> Also, just pointing out that I'm not alone in this mess.


No, you're not. By your thoughtlessness and desire for excitement, you drug your husband and kids into a nightmare and they can't wake up.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Do some looking around on this forum, there are a few threads explaining what it is. It would take me forever to type it all here LOL. Look into it, because I almost sense you are more concerned over the fact the OM dropped you like a hot rock then you are concerned that your own children and husband caught you sleeping around. The fact that you think he has something invested more than getting laid makes me really think you need to read up on it.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

I don't think I expalined it right. It's not like he said one nice thing to me and I slept with him. It went on for months and I told him I wasn't interested in anything physical. He said he understood and wasn't looking either. Our situation just happened. I don't know why, but it did. yes, it was a mistake and I should have stopped it sooner. I tried, but he kept reaching back out to me. He chased me. A person wouldn't do that just for sex.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Anymum said:


> Our situation just happened. I don't know why, but it did.


I know why. It was because you wanted it to happen and so did he.


Anymum said:


> I tried, but he kept reaching back out to me. He chased me. A person wouldn't do that just for sex.


Baloney. Either he played you to get in the sack or you played him.
You're just mad now because you got caught.

*I know, Anymum, I have been there.*
Before this can be over, you need to drop you feelings for this guy and show your husband how much you love him. Quit trying to "make this go away" and own up for what you did.
"It was a mistake" is not going to cut it.
What you did was horrible, the worst betrayal that a person can lay on one who loves you.
The OM got what he wanted and now is gone. You need to beg your husband for forgiveness, on your knees if needed and tell him that you will do anything that he demands to fix it.
Trust me, he is probably going to ask you some questions that you don't want to answer. Answer them. "I don't know" is not an answer.

I know that I am being hard and you probably think I'm cruel, but like I said, I have been where you are and it sucks. It is humiliating, degrading, and painful. *And you brought every bit of on all by yourself.*


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Aaaa ya they would,
I believe you are niave, like you mentioned it was only a few guys you had relations with, but as a man I can tell you there is a thrill in the the conquest after the hunt.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

You asked for help, I hope you see this as such. It sounds like you are still hung up believeing in your OM??

I have been the OM in your situation and know several others like that as well. It was always about sex and nothing more. You were played, plain and simple. I never flirted harmlessly with a married woman. I certainly tried to have it appear that way, but I always wanted in her pants. If she responded to my actions, I simply persisted and let things develop. It is a very safe approach and has worked well.

If you would have told me that you were interested in nothing physical. I would have responded just like he did. If you would have told me things about your spouse that upset you, I would have used that to my advantage. As an example, I had women who complained about their Hs not being involved enough with the kids. I would then work in all the things I did with my children. Get it? I was suddenly dad of the year. Yes it was crap, but I said whatever it took to score.

Forget about closure with your OM. He's already given you all you are going to get. One more meeting with him will probably end up with sex. Also, if your family finds out you met with him they will likely conclude that is what happened.

Bottom line, you need to absolutely believe that for him you were just another willing sex partner. He was certainly never going to leave his wife for you. I'm not sure you wanted that either??

Put him in your past and learn from it. He is not the only scoundrel on the hunt. The best plays happen just like you describe it as the WWs don't seem to see it coming or just don't want to. 

Whatever you do, put him out of your thoughts and focus on you and your immediate family. It sounds like you want them back and you cannot possibly work both angles at the same time.

Best of luck
FMW


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Anymum said:


> I don't think I expalined it right. It's not like he said one nice thing to me and I slept with him. It went on for months and I told him I wasn't interested in anything physical. He said he understood and wasn't looking either. Our situation just happened. I don't know why, but it did. yes, it was a mistake and I should have stopped it sooner. I tried, but he kept reaching back out to me. He chased me. A person wouldn't do that just for sex.


I think you do know why it happened. You liked the attention. You liked that he was chasing you, and he was a new guy that might bring something better to the table. and you gambled on it. Now that he has chosen his WIFE over some girl he chased and scored with, you don't understand why. Because yes, people ( not just men) do this ALL THE TIME just for sex. You are so far in the fog honey, you need to go do some reading here. This man, who slept with you while you were both married, is DONE with you. He has already broken up your family and probably recommited to his own wife. He is not some knight in shining armor, he is a snake in the grass, who took advantage of being able to read you like an open book


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

If he really played me and took advantage, how is this all my fault? I realize and accept that I particpated, but I was not alone. He gets a free pass and I'm punished beyond all reason.

I do not want the OM back. I would like to hear from him.... honestly... if he was really just after sex from me and why would he ever do this to a person and family. If that means I'm in a fog, then I guess I'm lost.

I really want my family back and do not understand why I can't be given another chance. I know I'm a good person that did a bad thing. I just want the chance to prove I am a good mother and wife. I'd even move to a new town to start over with my family.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> Help me please!
> 
> I'm married and have 2 children and am on the verge of losing everything I worked so hard for.
> 
> ...


No he really does not. Would we have advised him to step in and try to intervene ... sure. But that said, affair partners totally own their affair. They try to rationalize of course. Problems in marriages are not solved by having affairs.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey anymum---you were not just dumped on this planet---and you are a big girl now---YOU KNOW THE CONSEQUENCES OF AN A, RUN FROM IMMEDIATE DIVORCE TO POSSIBLE R.

You knew you were risking everything you had, when you started your A., and everytime you continued it

You have destroyed the soul of your H., trampled on the future of your children, betrayed the trust of your family----what did you expect the results were gonna be

Stop blaming the scum you had sex with---yes he is scum---BUT YOU AND ONLY YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS-------When at any point in your A., did scum put a gun to your head, or put you in a hammerlock, and force you to be with him, all thru every step of the way, YOU KNOW YOU WERE WRONG, what did you think you wouldn't get caught, and if so did you think your family wouldn't care

YOU WERE THERE VOLUNTARILY, also you were there as a result of your own deception, manipulation, greed, and lying-----does that lay it out for you as to your part in this mess

What you need to do is stop showing selfishness, and become the most SELFLESS woman on this planet-----beg, cajole, do what ever to get back into any kind of relationship with your family---and hope and pray they give you the greatest gift you will ever get---A SECOND CHANCE---meanwhile get yourself into IC, and find out why you needed to go outside your mge., why you allowed yourself to be manipulared, and why you still don't think you are completely responsible.

Was your romps in the hey, and professed hot passion/infatuation, worth a future that includes none of your family----yes you got taken in by a slimy jerk, who was really only after sex---but you were there with him every step of the way---wanting your own sex, and hot passion---while your innocent family got slammed by you---you have no gripe coming about anything.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> If he really played me and took advantage, how is this all my fault? I realize and accept that I particpated, but I was not alone. He gets a free pass and I'm punished beyond all reason.
> 
> I do not want the OM back. I would like to hear from him.... honestly... if he was really just after sex from me and why would he ever do this to a person and family. If that means I'm in a fog, then I guess I'm lost.
> 
> I really want my family back and do not understand why I can't be given another chance. I know I'm a good person that did a bad thing. I just want the chance to prove I am a good mother and wife. I'd even move to a new town to start over with my family.


I do feel for you, but you did this to yourself. You probably need counseling. The other guy is an @$$hole no doubt. He was gaming you. We would have told you that. You have to be responsible for your own actions. Life is not fair.  It is up to your family whether you get another chance. Sorry, but you should not have had the affair. They are an addiction. Chemically based. Playing with fire. Affairs destroy families.

Yes you are in a fog and will need to go through withdrawal. Been there ... done that. Not easy.

What about your husband? Is he hurt by this? Does he feel it is fair to him? He will never see you as the same again. If he took you back, he would have many years of adjustmant and the pain and images will always be with him.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

I also got caught by my children and daughter's friend.
"My kids told my husband. He exploded about how F-ing stupid could I be to do something like this when the kids were around"- This is why your kids aren't speaking to you- Can you imagine the humiliation they're feeling right now?

"I tried denying it, but he called the OM and he admitted to it." You STILL tried to lie yourself out of it after being caught red-handed? This only tells husband that you were denying your own children's honesty about what really went on. 

My daughter couldn't even go to school at the end of the year. My kids won't speak to me. They told my parents, my parents won't speak to me. I tried calling my dad today for father's day and he cried and told me he had to go.

"I still can't believe that I was used. We had a real connection"- This is the fog that's talking. So if you hadn't been caught- How long were you going to engage in the cheating and deceit? 

"The old double standard at work."- No, his wife is probably rug-sweeping, while your family is holding you to HIGHER standards. The standards you brag about as being such a great person and pillar of the community.

"If he truly loved me we'd get past this. I'd forgive him. I've tried explaining that and he just gets angrier." Now your just rationalizing the thing so you can justify your actions. If YOU truly loved HIM, YOU wouldn't have cheated on HIM. By the way, HE didn't chat on you, so you better not bring that silly **** to him. 

"I was in the PTA, helped sell girl scout cookies, was a homeroom mother, walked the floor at night when they were sick, etc. How could they forget everything I have done!"- Your cheating trumps everything you've just described in your justification for them to take you back. These kids are irreparably harmed at the emotional level, maybe for life.

"Does he not own part of this as well?"- Own what? That you let this guy stick his **** in you. It was you that let him in, right? Why should your husband be responsible for YOUR behavior?

All in all, it seems you haven't owned you **** and want a quick fix to this. You don't seem to understand it was nobody's fault but your own. Furthermore, it seems that your more preoccupied about being found-out, rather than coming clean about your cheating ways.

YOU ****ED UP!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> I don't think I expalined it right. It's not like he said one nice thing to me and I slept with him. It went on for months and I told him I wasn't interested in anything physical. He said he understood and wasn't looking either. Our situation just happened. I don't know why, but it did. yes, it was a mistake and I should have stopped it sooner. I tried, but he kept reaching back out to me. He chased me. A person wouldn't do that just for sex.


It is called GAME. He gamed you. This went on for months!!! First off it was still an affair even before it became physical.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Anymum said:


> If he really played me and took advantage, how is this all my fault? I realize and accept that I particpated, but I was not alone. He gets a free pass and I'm punished beyond all reason.
> 
> I do not want the OM back. I would like to hear from him.... honestly... if he was really just after sex from me and why would he ever do this to a person and family. If that means I'm in a fog, then I guess I'm lost.
> 
> I really want my family back and do not understand why I can't be given another chance. I know I'm a good person that did a bad thing. I just want the chance to prove I am a good mother and wife. I'd even move to a new town to start over with my family.


 It is your family, so the responsibility lies on you. the OM owes your family nothing. He made no vows to your husband. His responsibility is to his wife and family. that is who he answers to. Why won't he talk to you? Because his wife has probably had him committ to No Contact and has put consequences in line if he were to have contact with you. And he is obviously listening to her requests and taking them very seriously.

Your biggest battle in all of this is that you think it was a mistake that should be forgiven just for the sake that you were a good person. it doesn't work like that, and trying to blameshift will not get you anywhere. It actually just makes you look like you have no remorse or guilt for your actions. No one is telling you that the OM is clean in all this, what they are telling you is that you are the one who broke your vows to your husband, and he holds you responsible for your actions and choices, as he should. how could the OM do this to a family? how could you??? I guarentee you its the same answer.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> How is the OM not responsible? He was right there with me. He chased me, not the other way around. He is married also.
> 
> I was never a ****ty girl and have only been with 2 other guys before my H. Both were long term boyfriends. I have never ever done anything like this before.


You have now. Now is what counts.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> I'm not trying to make excuses. I admit i made a mistake, but the end result is to severe. Also, just pointing out that I'm not alone in this mess. Why doesn't all of the things I have done before count for anything? How long is this supposed to take. It's been over a month and only getting worse.


If my wife did this to me it would be a deal breaker. See to some of us husbands our wives engaging in affairs is pretty severe. Them spreading their legs for another man is about as servere as we can imagine. It is not a little thing. It is everything.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> I'm not an easy lay! This was a mistake and I want to fix it.


You really need to stop calling this a mistake. You need to own it. It is something you willingly did. It was not a ONS. They are bad too of course. This went on for months. You wanted it. You got it. You were easy enough for someone other than your husband to screw. I don't know what scale of 1-10 that is on easy lay, but it is not zero. It was easy enough for this older guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> Also, if your wife told you some other guy was hitting on her, would you brush it off?


Not me. I would be what everyone calls jealous and controlling.
But a guy hitting on you and you f'ing him are not the same thing.
This is not your hubby's fault. He trusted you. He is guilty of trusting and loving you. he was not jealous or controlling. He trusted his lovely wife would not spread her legs for some guy.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> At the time I never stopped to consider the consequences, but would have never imagined this. You cannot imagine how horrible I feel. This went against everything I believed in. I don't know why I did this.
> 
> You are also making assumptions about the OM. I can't believe that he used me me for just sex. He shared personal issues with me. He won't even give me the time of day now for one last discussion to close this out. He has washed his hands of me.


So we continue to hear about the OM and not your husband. You are still in love with this OM. That is what hurts. Not your husband who you wish to blame.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> *If he really played me and took advantage, how is this all my fault? * I realize and accept that I particpated, but I was not alone. He gets a free pass and I'm punished beyond all reason.
> 
> I do not want the OM back. I would like to hear from him.... honestly... if he was really just after sex from me and why would he ever do this to a person and family. If that means I'm in a fog, then I guess I'm lost.
> 
> I really want my family back and do not understand why I can't be given another chance. I know I'm a good person that did a bad thing. I just want the chance to prove I am a good mother and wife. I'd even move to a new town to start over with my family.


Your husband trusted you to keep your legs together and not have an EA and then a PA. You are the wife. You are not suppossed to share yourself with other men. All on you baby.

GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS SOMETIMES. That is why I get upset when I hear people say that trust is everything. We are human. No one is perfect. But if good people keep doing bad things, they are really bad people. You have a choice now with your life. Good people show remorse when they do bad things.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Anymum,

Are you just upset that the OM's family seems to be taking a different route than yours?? his kids didn't discover his cheating, so it very well may be easier for his family to recover at first. it seems like you are genuinely upset that his wife didn't kick him out, and that you were tossed aside by your husband. Alone. Were you hoping that you would both be kicked out by your spouses so you could be together or something??


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

DawnD said:


> Anymum,
> 
> Are you just upset that the OM's family seems to be taking a different route than yours?? his kids didn't discover his cheating, so it very well may be easier for his family to recover at first. it seems like you are genuinely upset that his wife didn't kick him out, and that you were tossed aside by your husband. Alone. Were you hoping that you would both be kicked out by your spouses so you could be together or something??


You have probably just nailed it. :iagree:


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

I'm not judging you.

I am curious as to what you want. It is difficult to tell. Most of this thread has been about the OM and you the victim.

Do you want the OM or do you want your H? I'm guessing that you actually want your H. I can't imagine why else you would have hung in as long as you have with the responses you are getting. Admittedly, you present yourself as the victim and you are not. Were you used by a player for sex, yes. That seems hard for you to accept, but does not change the reality. 

If you want your H back, re-read DawnD's reply pasted below. Sorry DawnD, I can't figure out how else to quote you.


"It is your family, so the responsibility lies on you. the OM owes your family nothing. He made no vows to your husband. His responsibility is to his wife and family. that is who he answers to. Why won't he talk to you? Because his wife has probably had him committ to No Contact and has put consequences in line if he were to have contact with you. And he is obviously listening to her requests and taking them very seriously.

Your biggest battle in all of this is that you think it was a mistake that should be forgiven just for the sake that you were a good person. it doesn't work like that, and trying to blameshift will not get you anywhere. It actually just makes you look like you have no remorse or guilt for your actions. No one is telling you that the OM is clean in all this, what they are telling you is that you are the one who broke your vows to your husband, and he holds you responsible for your actions and choices, as he should. how could the OM do this to a family? how could you??? I guarentee you its the same answer."

I hope you are not actually wanting the OM. Because if you do, you will be sorely disappointed. He clearly wants his wife/family. How his wife/family respond may seem unfair, but honestly, that is none of your business and is a waste of your time to worry about. I'm also not convinced it is a double standard. It may just be how she is choosing to deal with it. 

Also, I'm not sure what kind of clsure you are really looking for from the OM. What is he supposed to say to magically make you understand. " I just wanted to see if I could really bang a girl 10-years younger than me". WTH would that help? Trust me, that is the reality. You were just some extra @ss the presented and he collected. Do not be offended.

Good luck
FMW


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm not judging you either, but its all your fault just kidding, seriously I believe you have posted that you don't want the other man, you just want answers from him that you may not get.

Stop worring about the OM stop worring about your family, take a long deep look into your self and truthfuly answer some of your own question, start with really looking at what DawnD has pointed out. 

My point is look at your self and make the changes with in your self that will give you strength in getting your marriage back, you need to eat , sleep and excise. get your self in a better place, heal your self so that you can then start looking at how to heal your family.

What you've done the last few weeks hasn't help..in fact is worse so its time for a change up..a different approach if you will.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

People are not here to slam you---they are reacting with what is actually the truth

You just don't wanna face the facts, as they actually are

First you had your A., you knew from the beginning, that it was horribly wrong, and if caught there would be nuclear winter, but you went ahead and had your A. anyway---and it went on for awhile---I think you thought you would never be caught---so there would be no consequences!!!!

You also knew that the spouse who is betrayed have their options, that range anywhere from immediate divorce, to shaky R., to staying together as roommates till the kids get old enuff and then the parents split.

You knew all of this going in, yet you still had your A.

You were also, for no other choice of words, a moron, in that you had sex with another man where your kids could see you, which was probably in your own home

How do you think that played out in everyone's mind---you H., not only had to deal with his wife being with another man, but that she brought him into his own home, his castle, his sanctuary, the one place he feels comfortable with in the whole wide world, and you made it into a *****house for him, on top of that you allowed his kids to see their mother having sex with another man---isn't that just a great vision for the kids, seeing their loving mother humping another guy, in vivid living color, and surround sound, also throw in 3-D


what the frig, did you expect, would be the result of all of this

You wanna blame the other man---what are you gonna blame him for---once again---you did all of this WILLINGLY, and the other guy, sure as heck DID NOT drag your kids into this---- nowhere was this a mistake, it was the highest level of stupidity, and selfishness----so suck it up, now you get to play with the hand that is dealt you---actually which you dealt yourself


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yeah, the kids finding you made this seem even worse. You emascualted your husband in front of his children.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

I don't want the OM. I want my husband. I still love my husband and want my family back. How I missed getting this across I don't know.

I would like to hear it from the OM's mouth why he would do such a thing. I was perfectly happy before all this. It is extremely hard to face that this is all my doing.

I want my family back. OM gets another chance and maybe he is a player. I just want my husband to give me one more try. If Om deserves one, why not me? I would never let him or the kids down again. This is absolute agony.

The guy, thank you for the PMs. You give me hope.

DawnD, your responses are hard to read for me, not an insult just a weakness on my end. I have extreme trouble viewing this from my husband's perspective.

I don't know what the H___ I was thinking, but I could have never imagined anything this bad.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I do think you are getting an unusually hard time from your kids and from your parents. As for your husband, you are not getting it nearly as bad as you could be getting it.

I agree with everyone here. It is time for you to own this and stop shifting blame. If my wife was shifting blame I would have not have stayed with her...simple as that. We owned up to our own mess. She owned up to the affair, and I owned up to my issues and improved myself.

Better buckle down also. This ride is going to last a long time. In one month you husband has not even had a chance to go through the many stages that he is about to go through. I'm 6 months out and it sucks. Others here talk about feelings like these lasting for several years.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Also, I think you are making a good start on this forum. At least you do feel bad about the affair. That is a good sign.

Now just step back...way back and have a good hard look at the situation. Try to look at it as an outsider. If you want everything to work out, you just need to try your best. Thats all you can do.

My wife has been trying her best and that has kept us togeather. And for that reason I feel like we will be ok in the end.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Anymum said:


> I don't want the OM. I want my husband. I still love my husband and want my family back. How I missed getting this across I don't know.
> 
> I would like to hear it from the OM's mouth why he would do such a thing. I was perfectly happy before all this. It is extremely hard to face that this is all my doing.
> 
> ...


I don't know if it is helpful to view from your husbands perspective or not. But it is his greatest nightmare. He no doubt wishes he could have his wife back. BUT, and it may be hard to understand, he can never have that person back. She is gone. She is changed. Actually she was never who he really thought she was, most importantly. He lost his wife forever. That relationship is gone. He would have to fall in love with you as who you are. You are not in shape for that to ocurr. 

You must work on yourself for him to be able to accept the new you. He may never be able to do that. But rest assured his wife he thought he had does not exist. Soul crushing to many men. It would be for me, I assure you. I would never be the same.

You have to accept that you did what you did. Get way past this, how come someone else got away with it. Who cares really. It has nothing to do wiuth you any more. If the OM kept after you, you would still be in the relationship with him and you hsuband would be out in the cold.

Not being mean. But why should your husband take you back after what you did to yourself, him and your marraige? If it has to do with fairness or that the OM got away with it, start again and list why your husband should take you back.

FWIW, my wife has been totally faithful to me our whole marriage. A dozen years ago I had an EA. My wife called me on it and helped get me through. Incredible for her to do so. She forgave me. I have carried the weight of what I did with me all these years. About six weeks ago, we were doing a lot of talking and I again confessed that I was still very sorry for my betrayal. She told me that she had forgiven me long ago and that I needed to forgive myself. I have now. This was vert cathartic. I had not realized how much I was punsihing myself. But she knew.

So, I am telling you that at some point you will need to forgive yourself. But that is at the end of the journey. You must have complete ownership of what you did. It takes a lot of time to come to grips with this stuff. I was very fortunate that my wife caught this when she did. I love her no end for this. I never blamed her for any of it. It was all on me. Not the OW either. It was all on me. Yes I was fortunate that it was halted short of where it was probably headed. My wife had every right to kick me out. She did not. She did not deserve what I did. I had comitted myself to be the best husband I possibly could. But that is stressful too. At some point you have to be a loving partner but you cannot make up "completely" for what happened. You cannot undo it. All you can do is be remorseful for you have done and do you best to be a better person. Perhaps she kept me because I showed immediate remorse and comitted back to her. Think about that. I did go through withdrawal.



You need some counseling. This is a great website and it can help a lot of folks. But you need some professional help as well. 

Some day down the road, you will indeed need to forgive yourself. For many that is the last hurdle. Probably not the first. I wish you well. Take care. Reflect on your husbands perspective when you are ready. He is not the one at fault.


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## Anymum (Jun 19, 2011)

Great, so I'm a moron. I don't know what I was thinking coming here in the first place. I guess that makes me twice the moron.

Good riddance!


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Anymum said:


> I don't want the OM. I want my husband. I still love my husband and want my family back. How I missed getting this across I don't know.its getting missed because of your constant obsession with the OM and the blameshifting going on. This is what we are trying to advise you of: Don't worry about what the OM's family did or did not do. Don't ask about his hand in all of this. Just recognize your hand in this mess, and that is how you will reach true remorse. You need to show true remorse for people to want to forgive you.
> 
> I would like to hear it from the OM's mouth why he would do such a thing. I was perfectly happy before all this. It is extremely hard to face that this is all my doing.This should never happen. You are a married woman who had an affair. DO NOT make it worse by trying to continue being in contact with the OM. He is dealing with his family and you need to respect the fact that you could possibly play a part in the break up of not only your marriage, but his too. Leave him alone, and move on from any thoughts of him.
> 
> ...


as I said before, my H had an affair. it can be overcome in some cases, it all depends on the couple. Your husband probably needs some time to process. the kids, it may take a very long time for them to be able to cope with everything that has happened. You were very careless when you risked it all by being with him somewhere that they could find you. It won't be easy, but nothing that is worth it ever is


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

If you come back to read this, I suspect you will. You can always PM someone on the thread to avoid the name callers.

Good luck, think about what DawnD has provided to you. She has some good stuff here.

Put the name callers out of your mind. That does not matter to your current situation, neither does your OM. Focus on you and your immediate family.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Hate to see that happen. But I guess that does explain the percentage of marriges that fail after infidelity. I don't even know anything about the H but it looks like he's about to be hit twice by all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

All I can say is that my wife owned up to her A. And now we are both being the best we can be. Its been about as good as it can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I would like to hear it from the OM's mouth why he would do such a thing."- You still don't get it. What is this obsession with trying to get an explanation from HIM? 

"I was perfectly happy before all this."- Then why did you cheat? Was there an underlying issue that maybe you were'nt aware of- Lack of attention or something?

"I want my family back. OM gets another chance and maybe he is a player. I just want my husband to give me one more try. If Om deserves one, why not me? I would never let him or the kids down again. This is absolute agony."- You're still comparing your situation to that of OM. When are you going to see past this and work on YOUR problem. Based on your last post, you to lack patience and humility. Nobody here is really laying it on in any way. You seem really defensive and combative. You think the advice being given is criticism- IT'S NOT. Its the truth, however harsh it may seem to you.


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## findingmyway (May 25, 2011)

Interesting, one of the previous posts on this thread is missing. The one calling you a moron. 

Again, most responding to your thread are not name calling and you can avoid that if you want to by using a private message. I really do not have much else to offer you. Except to try one last time in saying this.

Your OM was not your friend. He used you. You will get nothing at all helpful by contacting him or continuing to focus energy on him. Forget him, I'm sure he has put you completely out of his mind and could care less what troubles you face.



I wish you all the luck in the world.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

My bet is the post was reported and then deleted by the mods.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

I will tell you what I told my husband, "You made your bed, now you sleep in it !"

There is no excuses for an affair. An affair not a mistake, it is a choice!!!

~sammy


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

DawnD said:


> It is your family, so the responsibility lies on you. the OM owes your family nothing. He made no vows to your husband. His responsibility is to his wife and family. that is who he answers to. Why won't he talk to you? Because his wife has probably had him committ to No Contact and has put consequences in line if he were to have contact with you. And he is obviously listening to her requests and taking them very seriously.
> 
> Your biggest battle in all of this is that you think it was a mistake that should be forgiven just for the sake that you were a good person. it doesn't work like that, and trying to blameshift will not get you anywhere. It actually just makes you look like you have no remorse or guilt for your actions. No one is telling you that the OM is clean in all this, what they are telling you is that you are the one who broke your vows to your husband, and he holds you responsible for your actions and choices, as he should. how could the OM do this to a family? how could you??? I guarentee you its the same answer.


Don't know if you'll be back or not... But if you do, read DawnD's posts, then print them off and put them somewhere you'll see them every day.

I also cheated on my spouse. While we might both have been responsible for putting the marriage relationship in a place that I even considered it, and while the other woman was a willing participant, the decision to meet her for the purpose of sex was entirely my decision. Nobody held a gun to my head, nobody slipped me a roofie and took advantage of me. 

As far as the other man goes, why does it matter what he tells you? If you truly want to fix it, no contact with him, and don't even bother to consider why he did what he did. The net effect is the same to what really matters; your marriage.

As far as your family forgiving you... That's one of the prices to be paid for cheating. There's a reasonably strong possiblity that if you get caught, your marriage will crumble. The OM's didn't, lucky him. Yours did, unlucky you. But it still comes down to the impact of your decision (with regards to your marriage). In the end, it's your husband's (and kids) decision whether they can forgive you or not. All you can do is demonstrate genuine remorse and ask. But not accepting responsibility for your part is NOT a good start.

Sorry for the tough-love... But that's the way I see it.

C


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Anymum said:


> Great, so I'm a moron. I don't know what I was thinking coming here in the first place. I guess that makes me twice the moron.
> 
> Good riddance!


Wow. That is some 'chip on your shoulder' attitude you got there.

How is that attitude going to help you get what you want?


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

It's too bad someone called you a nasty name when you were genuinely looking for guidance. I hope you're still reading, because I can give you my H's perspective post affair as he is the OM. 

Quick synopsis... my H had a 7 mos EA that turned PA, we're 5 months past d-day.

My H got swept up into the fantasy of the EA pretty quickly. He wasn't looking for just a piece of @$$, but he loved the attention. As email and texts got more sexual, it was just a matter of time before they had sex. It was not his goal. He was insecure and flattered a younger woman was interested, the newness in his unexciting and unchanging life was the draw. 

When the OW's H discovered the affair, he contacted me right away. The OW sent my H a NC letter and my H sent one to her (with my reading it first and approval). He knows that if he were to contact her in any way without my knowledge, we would be over. He feels guilt and remorse, not only to what he did to me, but for potentially making the OW think he intentionally used her. But he did use her, he used her to make himself feel better about himself. Instead of working on our marriage or his career, he took the coward's way out and looked for a quick fix to make himself feel better.

My point in telling you this, you have no idea what is going on in the OM's home. What promises he's made to his wife that he may very well want and plan to keep. You don't know why he pursued you, but at this point in time, it no longer matters. Unless they are rug sweeping, I promise you, he's not getting off easy. Rebuilding after an affair is incredibly painful, even for the DS if they're honestly trying to understand why they cheated in the first place.

Why you had the affair is one thing you should be focusing on, "It was a mistake" or "The OM pursued me" is not a good enough answer for the loyal spouse. No matter what, there is always a choice. If you choose to keep letting the OM into your life, he was fulfilling a need you didn't feel was getting met. Attention, ego boost, intellectual stimulation, fun, a shoulder for him to lean on, etc..... think about it and pinpoint why you kept getting closer. At any time you could've said, "I'm married and I don't feel this relationship is appropriate anymore." 

Whenever you try to make an excuse, blameshift, or minimize the betrayal, your H won't be able to look at you let alone talk. The rage and hurt is too strong and hearing the DS not own their actions, regardless of the circumstance behind the affair, is like throwing fuel to a fire burning inside us.

I don't think you've said it, but I'm guessing you and the OM told each other "I love you". My H did tell the OW he loved her after she said it first. He felt uncomfortable saying it back, but knew she'd feel bad if he didn't. He didn't think about how bad I'd feel knowing he said it. Now in hindsight, he realizes it was the fantasy fog and it wasn't love. It was newness and the attention he loved, not her. He even remembers being grossed out once when she had a runny nose, he remembers thinking, "How can I be grossed out if I love her?" He's seen me throw up, give birth, and in all kinds of nasty situations and has never had an issue. The fog does things to both disloyals, you start believing your own fantasy. The OW thought my H was the nicest man alive. Ummmmmm, he's cheating on his wife.... that's not so very nice, now is it?

I really hope you stick around and listen to the helpful posters and not those that demean this site by name calling when someone is seeking help. I hope what I've posted is somewhat helpful in that it's possible you were not intentionally used. But it truly doesn't matter anymore, so let that one go. 

Focus on why you were vulnerable to someone's advances and how you can make yourself a better and stronger person. Perhaps someday your family will let you back in, but first they want to hear you come clean. They want to hear you say you were weak and were getting some need met by the affair (specify the need if you can) and that it was selfish of you to put that need above your husband, children, and marriage. Like everyone says, own it. Once you do, your family might start to someday see a good person once again. It won't be the good person they thought you were, but still good. Then hopefully you can start rebuilding some kind of relationship, but be prepared that it might not be marriage and the family unit as you knew it. Be willing to take whatever they're capable of giving, it's a start and maybe you can build from there.

Good luck and I wish you the best!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Anymum said:


> Great, so I'm a moron. I don't know what I was thinking coming here in the first place. I guess that makes me twice the moron.
> 
> Good riddance!


I see people here who have been in your shoes giving you great advice. Being defensive about it isn't going to help you. But if you don't want to listen, then that's your choice. 

This is what I get from your posts: You made a mistake but it was all the OMs fault, OM is getting a 2nd chance so you deserve one as well, you want to contact the OM for closure and find out why he pursued you, that its been over a month and you feel that you deserve to come back because of what you have done in the past. Let me address these.

You still have not owned up to the affair and are blame shifting it on to the OM. Sure he pursued you. That's what OM do. But you allowed it. You did not put a stop to it. You chose to keep it a secret and would have kept the secret except that your children found you out. You had other options. Why did you not say no? Why did you not tell your husband immediately that this OM is pursuing you? Did OM rape you? Did he put a gun to your head and force you to have sex with him? No. You were a willing participant. You need to own that. This was NOT a simple mistake. You allowed him to contact you and you contacted him also. You participated in the secrecy, you participated in the lies, you participated in the sex. In every one of those decisions, you made a choice. You said it was real. Own it.

Whether OM gets a second chance from his BW has no bearing on your situation, none at all. Of course he threw you under the bus, that tells you a lot of his motivations. How real can that be? His Betrayed Wife probably has him go NC with you. You need to understand that and respect it. You do not need to contact him to find out why he did it or if it was real. That is another mistake.

Your situation is different from his. Your own children and her friends found out about your affair. They are hurt and humiliated. If there is one thing that most fathers do is that they are willing to do just about anything to protect their children from harm. In his eyes, you not only emotionally harmed him and your marriage, but the children as well. He and the kids are devastated. For him, this just might be a deal breaker because of the devastation to the children. 

Don't think that because it's been over a month that everything is fine. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. You need to get this idea out of your head that you automatically deserve a chance. At this point in time, you don't deserve any shot at R. You have to be willing to EARN IT. Are you willing to do the years of hard work to recover your marriage and family? 

What have you offered to do in terms of trying to repair the marriage and family? You're getting some good advice here, please don't dismiss it out of hand. Doing so will end any hopes that you have about helping fix your situation.


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## blue_calm85 (Jun 20, 2011)

the only thing that you really can do now is accept you made a mistake. and show your family that you're fixing your life. it will take time but thats the only way to correct everything. your life will never be the same but life goes on. you cannot live like that forever.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

sigh*
It still shocks me how many people come on here looking for validation rather than truth, and throw it right back in the faces of those trying to help.
This was a solid thread, I hope she takes note and ponders some serious self reflection.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

To have any hope of R with your betrayed husband and family, you need to do the following things:

1. Accept responsibility for the affair. That means showing true remorse, not blaming the OM. Answer any and all questions that your husband and/or kids might have.

2. No contact, no contact, no contact with the OM forever. This means sending a NC letter to him in front of your husband.

3. Be honest and transparent! This items is going to be the most important thing that is going to help fix your marriage.That means handing over any and all passwords to any email accounts, cell phone accounts, bank accounts, etc. Be accountable for your whereabouts at all times. If you are going to be 20 mins late, then call! He his not going to trust you right now. Be aware that he will be snooping on you. Do not be offended! If you are truly remorseful and willing to fix your marriage, than you will be willingly transparent. Being transparent will help him in regaining trust in you.

4. Be understanding. He is going to trigger, and that means things, situations, or other things will trigger his memories of the affair, and that means he is going to be angry and upset all over again. This is normal. You need to reassure and comfort him during those times. If he needs space give it to him. You are going to be saying sorry a lot of times.

5. Do not ever tell him or the children they should get over it already. This tells them that you are just trying to sweep this under the rug. This takes a lot of time and effort on you part to heal. He is probably in shock because of what you did. He may hit his anger stage later.

6. Go to marriage counseling or individual counseling if your husband requests it. You need to find out why you cheated and assure him that you will never do something like this ever again.

Infidelity is really a betrayal of trust. You have betrayed that trust and you have to work to get it back. You try to regain trust by doing the above. Don't automatically assume that you deserve their trust because of what you did before. 

And in the end, there is no guarantee that this will succeed because for many people, this is a deal breaker. For some, an Emotional Affair (EA) is a deal breaker, for others a Physical affair (PA) is. While others can move on even though their wife was in a Long Term Affair (LTA) spanning many years and giving birth to an Other Child (OC)! In my case, a PA is my deal breaker, my line in the sand. I do not know what the case is for your husband.

But you need to own it and make the effort. You betrayed, so the onus is on you to fix this.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

First off, quit using the word "mistake". A mistake is when you forget to carry the one in a math problem. This is a "betrayal". You betrayed your husband, your children, your family. Own it. Work on yourself, let them contact you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She doesn't want help or guidance. She wants someone to sympathize with her because she can't have the OM...


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

DanF said:


> She doesn't want help or guidance. She wants someone to sympathize with her because she can't have the OM...


Exactly. She's holding desperately onto the victim role in hopes that her H will take her back. I don't blame him for dismissing her. How can she be remorseful if she's only concerned with the pain she feels?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You are getting some great advice in this thread. LordMayhem's post above is spot on about what you need to do. Almost everyone's message to you has been the same: 

*You must first accept responsibility for what you have done. You must own it and stop deflecting the blame. You must end all contact with OM. You must accept that ultimately, you may lose your family over this and truly understand why.*

Because right now, it doesn't seem you've "gotten it" yet. You seem to think it's crazy you could lose your marriage and the respect ofyour children over what you've done. You seem flabberghasted at the possibility that that could even be a result of your actions. And if you don't lose that attitude soon, you will probably never understand the gravity of what you have done.

Having an affair, an ongoing one that was long like you did, is not a mistake. A mistake is something you do without the knowledge that it could have a harmful effect. It's something you don't know would have the effect it ultimately does. Your affair was very calculated, pre-meditated and both *willful and intentional*. 

Time for a 2x4 from me: 



Anymum said:


> I still can't believe that I was used.


Eh. The OM may have wanted sex from you but you actively participated in the affair with him. In fact, you said this went on for awhile. Nobody held a gunto your head to have sex with him



Anymum said:


> Why does he get to keep his family and mine is disowning me?


Because that's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes. It's not a competition. You say he hasn't suffered but I beg to differ. He is paying for it every single day at home. His wife has been betrayed in the worst fashion ever and you better believe she is hurt and in some ways, the pain is irreparable. Some folks can get past infidelity through a LOT of hard work, and some cannot. Your husband may be in the latter category. There are no guarantees a relationship can stay intact after someone cheats. But one thing is certain: a relationship after cheating is never the same. It can never go back to the way it was. 



Anymum said:


> If he truly loved me we'd get past this. I'd forgive him. I've tried explaining that and he just gets angrier.


He gets angry because you aren't owning what you did yet. He gets angry because you aren't respecting his feelings. He has a right to feel the way he does and you denying him that is going to piss him off. And it's not true that if he "trly loved you" he'd "get past this." He can love you just teh same but realize he would be doing you or him no favors knowing that the trust for him is gone. Granted, you guys may reconcile in time but right now he may think that there is no way it's even worth it to him. And you need to give him his space and honor what he's thinking. 



Anymum said:


> Before it turned physical, I tried telling him that I had an older man was flirting with me. He brushed it off. Does he not own part of this as well?


Once again, you're deflecting the blame. While your husband may have contributed to a bad environment for your marriage, the affair is totally 100% YOUR FAULT. Nobody made you carry on with OM and nobody made you have sex with him. You did that all on your own.



Anymum said:


> I read some of the posts on here and tried calling the OMs wife. She already knew, told me to not call any more and that I was harassing her family. This can't be legal, surely there is something I can do, get him for slander?


While I believe the betrayd spouse has a right to know about the affair/cheating, I FIRMLY BELIEVE they should NEVER EVER EVER be told by the OW/OM. Why? Because it's like throwing salt, gasoline, and a Mack truck on a huge open wound. "Oh hey I f*cked your husband and I'm really sorry." Imagine, just imagine if someone, an OW called you telling you!!! Anyway, you did it already so you can't take it back (calling her as well as sleeping with her husband repeatedly). 

Re: legalities... yes, she can absolutely say you are harassing her family if you don't stop contacting her, him, their family unit. So my advice is to STOP contacting them. Re: slander... I don't see how you could get him for that unless he's standing outside your house with signs and harassing you, pursuing you, soiling your name. Slander in this case doesn't seem applicable due to the fact that it's true--you DID in fact sleep with him/have an affair. None of that is a lie. 



Anymum said:


> I am at a complete loss. * I know it was wrong, but this outcome is not possible. I do not deserve this *and cannot figure out how to help my family understand that. *This cannot be my life*
> 
> *I also want the OM to tell me one on one why he is now acting this way. *


You don't get it and until you get it, you have a very very very long road ahead.

You really really need to accept the fact that this is a very real situation and your actions had very real consequences. It seems you feel entitled to your husand just forgiving you and having everything go back to normal cause you were on the PTA and a good wife and sold girl scout cookies. 



Anymum said:


> I don't think I expalined it right. It's not like he said one nice thing to me and I slept with him. *It went on for months* and I told him I wasn't interested in anything physical. He said he understood and wasn't looking either. * Our situation just happened. I don't know why, but it did. *yes, it was a mistake and I should have stopped it sooner. I tried, but he kept reaching back out to me. He chased me. A person wouldn't do that just for sex.


Your situation did not "just happen." Re-read the entire thing you wrote again. It went on MONTHS. So it's not like this was a one-off. As for you trying to stop it and him reaching out to you--he only was able to bed you in the end because YOU LET HIM. 

Do you see it yet?

As for WHY you did it--you did it because you wanted to. You chose to. So saying you "don't know why" is not a good excuse.

From your posts, it sounds like your children caught you or walked in on you with the OM, which is possibly the worst way to have an affair be discovered. Either he was at your home while this went down or somewhere else where the kids were and you were watching them. 

You said this seems extreme (your husband telling you to leave, etc) but actually, it's not. Infidelity is one of the worst betrayals you can inflict on another, especially a loved one, a spouse and until you've experienced it, you cannot possibly fathom how damaging it is to the one on the receiving end. Not every couple can get past infidelity. I firmly believe that the ones that DO get past it start with the disloyal spouse owning what they've done and not deflecting the blame elsewhere. 

As far as contacting the OM, I'mnot sure why you'd want to do that if you have seen already what the consequences of your affair have done to your life. If anything, I'd think you'd have learned your lesson fromt his sooo much that the OM would be the very last thing on your mind. That you'd be ashamed of even the thought of wanting to speak to him. It sounds to me like you did develop an emotional attachment with him:



Anymum said:


> We had a real connection and now he is denying it.
> 
> He shared personal issues with me. He won't even give me the time of day now for one last discussion to close this out. He has washed his hands of me.
> 
> *I do not want the OM back. I would like to hear from him.... *honestly... if he was really just after sex from me and why would he ever do this to a person and family.


The bolded part = "The Fog." Oh and has for how he could ever do this to a person and family--um, you did it, too. Not only did you betray YOUR marriage, husband, & children, you also participated in betraying his wife and family.



Anymum said:


> *I really want my family back and do not understand why I can't be given another chance*.


I realize you are hurting deeply. Guilt is a motherf-cker. You can start being owning what you did, taking responsibility, not deflecting the blame everywhere else, committing to zero contact with OM (as OM's wife told you to STOP, not just for her but for your OWN family and marriage), looking inward and maybe even getting some counselling.

You can tell your husband you are truly sorry that you chose to have an affair instead of focusing on your marriage and you are committed 100% to no contact and doing any/everything he asks of you and that you realize what an awful thing he did and you respect his decision either way. Tell him you are receptive to marriage counselling, get individual counselling and then... the ball will be in your husband's court.

If he gives in to reconciliation--you have a LONG road ahead but it may be worth it in the end, however you must never ever cheat again and be honest/open/transparent/committed to your marriage/understand the gravity of what you've done, etc.

If he decides he wants a divorce, you are going to have to live with his choice as a result and consequence of your decision to have an affair.

Good luck either way.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Mayhem and JB are right on the button. There is nothing more to add. Your family are the victims here, not you. If you're a good person then hold your hands up and admit it. Forget the OM, you were a lay, a game, a conquest that you let him win.
Learn and move on.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Think Anymum is gone. If you come back, quit being the victim and blaming your husband and OM. It shows you don't own yuor actions. Mife cheated and that was the first thing she needed to do before I would R with her, that and no contact. Own it, take full responsibility, quit balming people for their reaction to your actions. YOU have to repair the damage you've caused and even if you were Mother Theresa before, your not now.


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## Tourchwood (Feb 1, 2011)

I'm really not sure how to think or give an advice on this issue.

Could you tell us how it happened?
How did your kids find out? was it in your house? in bedroom? on bed?
Did they just walk on you on the bedroom?
what happen when they saw you?
how old are your kids?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Re: legalities... yes, she can absolutely say you are harassing her family if you don't stop contacting her, him, their family unit. So my advice is to STOP contacting them. Re: slander... I don't see how you could get him for that unless he's standing outside your house with signs and harassing you, pursuing you, soiling your name. Slander in this case doesn't seem applicable due to the fact that it's true--you DID in fact sleep with him/have an affair. None of that is a lie.


Indeed. As the saying goes, the truth is 100% protection against claims of slander. If the OM's wife is making untrue statements that stand to do harm to your reputation, then there MAY be a legal claim. If she's she's saying nothing untrue, however...them's the breaks, and part of the consequences of the OP's actions, whether those true statements harm her reputation or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I think she's gone. She's looking for someone to pat her on the shoulder and tell her it's not her fault at all and that the OM was the real person to cause all of her problems with losing her family and friends.

Hopefully she learns from this and doesn't let it happen again.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

you guys were mean to her.

lol.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Life is terrible when you can't look in the mirror!


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## Forsaken (Feb 14, 2011)

Well I don't blame anyone for being mean to her, she refused to accept her responsability for her actions. As far as I can tell she is one of those women who love attention and are always trying to get their husbands in a fight.


"Why doesn't all of the things I have done before count for anything?"

Well Anymum, we all know the saying, "You can build a thousand bridges...." I feel this applies to your question.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

_*sigh*_ I hope she's at least still reading, even if she no longer wants to post for fear of being attacked. 

Anymum is missing the opportunity to make amends with her H and children by focusing on the wrong things. If she waits too long before finally understanding the magnitude of what she's done and how to best help her family heal, it very well may be too late.

If my H had come to me after his affair and said it was because the OW pursued him, that I didn't come to his rescue when she flirted, that he'd forgive me if I had been the one who cheated, and that it was just a mistake..... he'd be out the door. He almost was out after a few comments he made on d-day that sounded awfully familiar to the ones above. The second he started to blame shift, I ripped him one and almost kicked him out. It was only when he started realizing the damage he caused and accepted 100% responsibility for his actions & 50% for marital problems pre-affair.... did I even consider R.

My H also owns that the OW might have made the first move, but he reciprocated with no hesitation. When she gave him an out after that first move, he didn't take it and suggested private google email accounts to continue their conversations. My H totally owning his part in the affair is what helps me find it in me to move forward together. Heck, even if my H said he pursued the OW I'd probably consider R. As long as he understood _why_ he pursued the OW and wanted to make changes in himself and our marriage so he wouldn't do it again. 

I really really really really hope Anymum is reading and is starting to understand. I always hope for people to find personal growth in adversity. This is a sad but great opportunity to achieve something more in herself and her marriage.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The funny thing is this sounds EXACTLY like my wife. It isn't the situation was different but the total inability to see reality.
Watch "Sliding Doors"

One line from it cracks me up.
"Your not going to like this: It is based in reality"

She is soon to be my ex wife because she continued the affair [and still does] after she admitted to it under pressure.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Saffron said:


> _*sigh*_ I really really really really hope Anymum is reading and is starting to understand.


She's not. 

She has "poor me" syndrome. She's firmly entrenched in her role as a victim. Likely extends beyond the infidelity, and has long been a part of her character. Suprising, or maybe not suprising that MANY DS's _are this person_. 

Refusing to give them pity (a core need for this personality), and forcing them to look through eyes that make them accountable and shatter the victim identity they have cultivated over years and years is a sure way to send them running for the hills... lol.

She's gone. Went elsewhere to get that need met. LIkely only stayed as long as she did because she was thinking "If they only understood" and she tried to get us to understand why she was the victim, when we didnt.... gone. lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Refusing to give them pity (a core need for this personality), and forcing them to look through eyes that make them accountable and shatter the victim identity they have cultivated over years and years is a sure way to send them running for the hills... lol.


I agree. And it's the DS' who refuse to accept their part in the infidelity and refuse to accept the consequences of their actions who have little to no chance of being helped.

It's so different when someone comes out and says how they f-cked up and realize the destruction they have caused & will accept whatever outcome. Read Blackbunny's thread, for instance. What a difference!

Anymum's post saying *"I do not deserve this"* to me said it all. 

The entitlement is astounding.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

6-19 was her last post anywhere. She hasn't been back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh noes. The truth ran her off.


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