# Husband says he wants a divorce



## Sara33 (Mar 6, 2015)

I feel like this came out of nowhere. I'm still in shock, kind of. My husband and I have been in counseling for a year, dealing with his anger outbursts and my overly emotional-ness. I do tend to get very emotional very quickly, which is hard for him since he is a very unemotional person. However, I feel like he has not tried to implement anything that we have been learning. It's like there's only one of us fighting to save our marriage. We have two small kids - and one has special needs. The other has some severe medical problems. We both work and are in professional, very demanding jobs. I know he's worried about money (although I grew up poor, so I'm not), but he doesn't talk about it with me and won't. I know he's worried about the kids, but again, doesn't like to talk about it. He has these awful rage outbursts and one got into a car accident when he slammed the brakes in the middle of the road (we got rear-ended) and our baby was in the car. We got whiplash. Baby was fine. Another time, he's pushed me. He's never hit me or the kids, but recently, he's been slamming his fists, doors and scaring me and kids so we run and hide. 

He said he doesn't like who he is when he's with me. Of course, it's me. So he wants a divorce. He says he does not have an anger problem. He has a wife problem. I nag him, apparently. I want him to be partner at his law firm, which he isn't yet, and I apparently complain all the time. Personally, I feel like he isn't hearing what I mean, which is that I'm supporting him and want to connect with him emotionally, but I think he doesn't want to hear this because then he'd have to take responsibility for the kids - and me - being scared of him when he gets angry. Which is more and more frequent. 

So - internet strangers - is this my fault? Am I responsible for his anger outbursts? What do I do now? He says he may not come home? I don't want a divorce, I want to help him. I love him and I do NOT want to lose my kids for even partial time in a divorce. Please help me. Thanks.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

What do you do now?

Give him space, don't chase him or nag him and let him figure it out.

The more you chase, or beg.. the more you're going to push him away. 

Hopefully some time apart will make him realize he wants to be with you.

If not, there's really nothing you can do but accept that things are going to change radically.

If he does come back he really needs to address his anger management issues or the conflict will perpetuate.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Law is a very tough profession in the US these days. I have friend in his early 50s who never made partner. Years ago he made good money but the hours were long and stressful. Today it's brutal. Would things be easier if he got government job?

Men want to be respected and admired by their wives. You need find a way to lift his ego without being trodden upon. 

Are you having sex? For men sex repairs everything. Again, you cannot ignore your need for security.

Is there anytime that succeed in talking?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, his choice to use anger and violence against you is not your fault. He chooses to do this. Sadly you do not seem to realize that you are living with a very abusive man; emotionally and physically abusive. It will only escalate.

Your husband is a very emotional person. A big problem is that he seems to be expressing all of his emotions as anger. 

He is escalating to physical abuse. Slamming on he breaks in traffic could have hurt all of you to include you baby. Hitting things, slamming and pushing you are all types of physical abuse.

Does your counselor know about his angry outbursts and physical abuse?

If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things based on my own experience.


If you search on the internet for "domestic abuse exit plan" or "domestic abuse safety plan" a lot will come up that you can look over. The one below is one that I added some things to based on my own experience.

*Get a support system:*


Find a local organization that provides counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse (emotional and physical). Get into counseling with them. They will have sliding scale counseling. 

Also check into legal aid in your area.
Talk to attorneys and do research on the internet to find out your rights in divorce. Be informed. Check out legal aid in your area. Ask the domestic abuse organization if they have a list of attorneys who do pro-bono work or very low fee work and how specialize in cases of divorce with domestic abuse. Most will have such a list. Many attorneys will give a half hour free consultation. If you have a good list of questions, you can learn about your rights and how the local court system handles specific issues. You might even find an attorney that you really like.
Let a trusted family member, friend, coworker or neighbors know your situation. Develop a plan for when you need help; code words you can text if in trouble, a visual signal like a porch light: on equals no danger, off equals trouble. 
Set up a ‘safe address’ and ‘safe storage space’. If you have a trusted friend/family-member, ask them if you can use their address for some things and if you can store some things at their place… like a box of important papers. If you do not have someone who will help you out in this way, rent a PO Box and a small storage space. Use the ‘safe addresses for your mail. Use the ‘safe storage space’ to keep important things you will need like:

your mail from the ‘safe address’
All account info and ATM card for your personal checking account
Copies of all financial paperwork, filed tax forms, etc.
Certified copies of birth certificates, marriage license, passports, 
Car title, social security cards, credit cards, 
Citizenship documents (such as your passport, green card, etc.) 
Titles, deeds and other property information 
Medical records
Children's school and immunization records
Insurance information
Verification of social security numbers Make sure you know your husband’s Social Security Number and your son’s. 
Welfare identification
Valued pictures, jewelry or personal possessions



*Your Exit/safety Plan: *this is so that you can leave immediately if things get out of hand.



Know the phone number to your local battered women's shelter. 
Keep your cell phone on you at all times for dialing 911. It’s best to dial 911. You need to establish a record of his abuse. So call 911 and start creating that record. If you think that it is not safe for you to leave, ask the 911 operator to send the police so that they can ensure your and your child’s safety when you leave.
If you are injured, go to a doctor or an emergency room and report what happened to you. Ask that they document your visit. 
Keep a journal of all violent incidences, noting dates, events and threats made. 
Keep any evidence of physical abuse, such as pictures. 
You can get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when you are around your husband. This way you can get recordings of the abuse. 
Plan with your children and identify a safe place for them. Reassure them that their job is to stay safe, not to protect you. 
If you need to sneak away, be prepared. Make a plan for how and where you will escape. 
Back your car into the driveway, and keep it fueled. Keep your driver's door unlocked and other doors locked for a quick escape. 
Hide an extra set of car keys. 
Set money aside. Open a checking account in your name only and put your paycheck (or a portion of it) in that account. Do not use the address of the home you live in with him for this checking account. Use your ”safe address” to the account and keep all of the paperwork related to the account in your “safe storage space”. 
Pack a bag. Include an extra set of keys, IDs, car title, birth certificates, social security cards, credit cards, marriage license, clothes for yourself and your children, shoes, medications, banking information, money" anything that is important to you. Store them at a trusted friend or neighbor's house. Try to avoid using the homes of next-door neighbors, close family members and mutual friends. 
Take important phone numbers of friends, relatives, doctors, schools, etc. 
Know abuser's schedule and safe times to leave. 
Be careful when reaching out for help via Internet or telephone. Erase your Internet browsing history, websites visited for resources, e-mails sent to friends/family asking for help. If you called for help, dial another number immediately after in case abuser hits redial. 
Create a false trail. Call motels, real estate agencies and schools in a town at least six hours away from where you plan to relocate.


*After Leaving the Abusive Relationship *


If you get a restraining order, and the offender is leaving: 

Change your locks and phone number. 
Change your work hours and route taken to work. 
Change the route taken to transport children to school. 
Keep a certified copy of your restraining order with you at all times. 
Inform friends, neighbors and employers that you have a restraining order in effect. 
Give copies of the restraining order to employers, neighbors and schools along with a picture of the offender. 
Call law enforcement to enforce the order. 
If you leave: 
Consider renting a post office box or using the address of a friend for your mail. Be aware that addresses are on restraining orders and police reports. Be careful to whom you give your new address and phone number. 
Change your work hours, if possible. 
Alert school authorities of the situation. 
Consider changing your children's schools. 
Reschedule appointments if the offender is aware of them. 
Use different stores and frequent different social spots. 
Alert neighbors, and request that they call the police if they feel you may be in danger. 
Talk to trusted people about the violence. 
Replace wooden doors with steel or metal doors. Install security systems if possible. Install a motion sensitive lighting system. 
Tell people you work with about the situation and have your calls screened by one receptionist if possible. 
Tell people who take care of your children who can pick up your children. Explain your situation to them and provide them with a copy of the restraining order. 
Call the telephone company to request caller ID. Ask that your phone number be blocked so that if you call anyone, neither your partner nor anyone else will be able to get your new, unlisted phone number.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He needs to get help for his anger issues. He is blaming you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his anger issues. This isn't good for your children. They are probably scared of him. It's probably best you two separate until he gets help. You need to protect your children.


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## Sara33 (Mar 6, 2015)

Thanks. I cannot tell if he was serious now, or if this was just a threat to get me to "behave". It seemed like he was serious at the time, but he came home, we talked briefly and he thinks that if I change and don't stress him out so much that he won't leave. So now I'm back to walking on eggshells, which sucks because that's one of the reasons why we were IN couples therapy to begin with. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's being super nice, in some kind of weird "honeymoon" be extra nice to me phase but he's done this before and I know it won't last. So he escalated the last fight to divorce...I'm worried this will be a recurrent threat. He knows I don't want to lose the kids to even partial custody, which I'm sure he'd get partial custody. It's a great threat for him. What a mess.


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## Sara33 (Mar 6, 2015)

Specific question to people with little kids - how DO I protect them? If he leaves and tries to get custody, then I'm not there to protect them. They ARE afraid of him. I'm trying not to teach them that they have to walk on eggshells too, but we have a special needs daughter that doesn't understand when people need to be left alone/need space and I have to protect her from a lot of his wrath. Any ideas?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sara33 said:


> Thanks. I cannot tell if he was serious now, or if this was just a threat to get me to "behave". It seemed like he was serious at the time, but he came home, we talked briefly and he thinks that if I change and don't stress him out so much that he won't leave. So now I'm back to walking on eggshells, which sucks because that's one of the reasons why we were IN couples therapy to begin with. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. He's being super nice, in some kind of weird "honeymoon" be extra nice to me phase but he's done this before and I know it won't last. So he escalated the last fight to divorce...I'm worried this will be a recurrent threat. He knows I don't want to lose the kids to even partial custody, which I'm sure he'd get partial custody. It's a great threat for him. What a mess.


He is pulling all the strings here. There is no excuse for his anger and behaviour regardless of what you do. This is emotional abuse. Perhaps it is time to call his bluff and do the 180 on him. Emotional abusers are just big bullies who know how to manipulate, when someone pushes back things might be different.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

See a lawyer. Start getting your ducks in a row. You don't actually pull the plug...but it will be better for you in the long run if you are ready.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on your and/or in the room at all times when he is around. You can capture his loud, angry outburst this way. Copy the recordings to some place like an account on dropbox.com that he cannot get access to.

Then see an attorney and play them to the attorney. Ask for how to proceed.

Also, you can ask the court for a custody evaluation. In the evaluation you should be able to play the recordings so that they know what is going on.

When we did the custody evaluation for my divorce the counselors who did it did all kinds of tests and talked to our son.


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