# Husband sharing marital problems with co-workers



## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.

I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.

Actually when he was telling me about what they did to his Ex, it seemed like he was so proud of it, and that bothered me a lot. He told me that sometime after we were already married.

I just believe that no matter how bad things are between a H and W that their marriage problems do not need to be shared with co-workers except with a marriage counselor. That also a spouse should never encourage others to disrespect his wife no matter what. It really shocks me to know that he's willing to share such private matters with others that really do not know what really goes on behind closed doors. And when I suggest we go through counseling he says he doesn't believe in seeing someone who is going to tell him what to do. But he's willing to listen to coworkers and do what they say. 

I'm not happy with what I found out, but I am more determined than ever to do what I need to do for myself then just leave him. I'm sick of him trying to make me look like I'm the one that is the problem and he's the one that's all good and perfect.

Is it right to share your marital problems with coworkers, friends, family?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Well at least its not another woman so that is a good thing.

What kind of work place is this? Blue collar? Office? Manufacturing plant?

He work in a big or small group?

You need to establish boundaries with him. Obviously he's got a big mouth so tell him it bothers you.

Lastly, what problem did he reveal? There are degrees of badnass. Some items are big no no. Others could be boys talking shop.

Trust me when I was divorcing my exW you can be sure her female coworkers probably thought I was Mr Ahole.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...


Yes.

who else to talk to ? complete strangers?


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> Well at least its not another woman so that is a good thing.
> 
> What kind of work place is this? Blue collar? Office? Manufacturing plant?
> 
> ...


Yes he has talked to another woman about me and what goes on in the bedroom. These coworkers of his he has known less than a month. So I feel that they have no business giving him advice on what goes on in my marriage. He has this habit of letting others think that he's being treated badly, when really it's the other way around.

We have talked about this before especially when he started telling me bad things about his ex and what he encouraged his former coworkers treat when she comes around. Right off the bat I told him that if we were having problems that I would not expect him to share things with his coworkers that I'd prefer that we go into counseling if needed. He agreed, but now went back on it.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Yes.
> 
> who else to talk to ? complete strangers?


Well he needs to talk to me about it and come to some kind of resolve, rather than running to others just to hear others say that it's all my fault and that I deserve to be treated badly and that he's right and I'm wrong. I don't go running to my friends, and family telling them he bad he treats me. I try to talk to him about it but he tells me I'm always wrong, which I know that I am not always in the wrong.

As for his coworkers he's known them less then a month.

So I suppose it's ok for him to talk to everyone he knows about OUR problems and when I need a friend he makes it where he's always around to listen to what we talk about whether in person or on the phone. He also makes a point to ask me what my friends, and family talk about.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> Yes he has talked to another woman about me and what goes on in the bedroom.


:surprise: Wow. Ok. This is not appropriate and neither is providing details to the co-workers.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't MAKE him stop. 

He's a big mouth who likes to share personal information with strangers or near-strangers. You've told him that you don't like it, he agreed not to do it, yet he continues.

It seems as though your options are to ignore the co-workers(who cares what they think) and to suggest counseling so that he can understand that he's crossing a line and hurting you. Maybe he will be able to understand that he's an exhibitionist, constantly seeking attention and validation from others. 

The woman at work may be fishing for a deeper connection with him. Don't jump to conclusions, but you should tell him that it's even MORE inappropriate to discuss sexual details of your marriage with a person of the opposite sex.

If you can't make this clear, ask him how he would feel if you started discussing private sexual matters with another man?


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Omego said:


> :surprise: Wow. Ok. This is not appropriate and neither is providing details to the co-workers.
> 
> Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. You can't MAKE him stop.
> 
> ...


I have suggested counseling, but he says he won't have anyone tell him how to live his life or tell him that he has to make changes. Yes I can try and ignore what his coworkers think of me. Problem is it bugs me to know that he lets them think that I'm this mean nasty woman, which I am no where near mean or nasty. Just like the way he's always talked badly about all his exes. I just cannot believe that every woman in his life has been horrible with him and he's never done them wrong.

I've even asked him how he would feel I discussed our problems with another man. He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> I have suggested counseling, but he says he won't have anyone tell him how to live his life or tell him that he has to make changes. Yes I can try and ignore what his coworkers think of me. Problem is it bugs me to know that he lets them think that I'm this mean nasty woman, which I am no where near mean or nasty. Just like the way he's always talked badly about all his exes. I just cannot believe that every woman in his life has been horrible with him and he's never done them wrong.
> 
> I've even asked him how he would feel I discussed our problems with another man. He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care.


What is he complaining about exactly? He sounds like the one with the problem, not you.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Omego said:


> What is he complaining about exactly? He sounds like the one with the problem, not you.


He complains about everything. Just because I want to spend time with him or talk with him. He says that we have nothing to talk about and that why do I want to spend time with him. He feels that I should do what he wants me to do. He complains about how I wash dishes, tells me how to dry off in the shower, tells me I have tacky tastes. Says I don't know anything.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> He complains about everything. Just because I want to spend time with him or talk with him. He says that we have nothing to talk about and that why do I want to spend time with him. He feels that I should do what he wants me to do. He complains about how I wash dishes, tells me how to dry off in the shower, tells me I have tacky tastes. Says I don't know anything.


Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> Well he needs to talk to me about it and come to some kind of resolve, rather than running to others just to hear others say that it's all my fault and that I deserve to be treated badly and that he's right and I'm wrong. I don't go running to my friends, and family telling them he bad he treats me. I try to talk to him about it but he tells me I'm always wrong, which I know that I am not always in the wrong.
> 
> As for his coworkers he's known them less then a month.
> 
> So I suppose it's ok for him to talk to everyone he knows about OUR problems and when I need a friend he makes it where he's always around to listen to what we talk about whether in person or on the phone. He also makes a point to ask me what my friends, and family talk about.


Actually, no. You're the last person he should trust with such things. He has to get it right in his head first, get an idea of whether he's over-reacting.

That they're stangers makes that easier.

He will have to work on not oversharing at work or it will severely reduce his career opportunities, as it makes him look indecisive and needy, and peers and bosses are likely to think he can't separate his work and home work.

And it is very common for womenfolk to speak of what their menfolk do, how they perceive they're being treated, what the "MereMale" has done this week/yesterday, including his bedroom habits and characteristics.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> He complains about everything. Just because I want to spend time with him or talk with him. He says that we have nothing to talk about and that why do I want to spend time with him. He feels that I should do what he wants me to do. He complains about how I wash dishes, tells me how to dry off in the shower, tells me I have tacky tastes. Says I don't know anything.


Sounds rather OCD.
Did he grow up with controlling parents.

You might be better out of a relationship as you're just going the frustrate the heck out of each other.

Do yourself a favor though and at least do the "5 Love Languages" on line, free, test


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do yourself a favor and never go around his work. No, you don't share marital problems with others except a counselor. The reason being is that it may get back to your spouse. Apparently, he doesn't care if it gets back to you.

Do the 180 and get on with your life. The coworker who let the cat out of the bag was doing you a favor. When I worked, if a coworker started in with the moaning , I shut them down by saying I was sorry they were having problems but it was none of my business.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Honestly I think what your husband is doing is common. Complaining about spouses, kids, family and life in general seems to be a running topic of conversation among employees at my business. Part of it has to do with comradeship, you feel the people you work with will be supportive of your grips. Another thing is many people don't have close friends they can vent to, coworkers become their main social outlet. Admittedly it can lead to some awkward situations if the spouse finds out what is being said, but I wouldn't worry over it to much.

Essentially it's gossiping, and gossiping has to be juicy to keep it interesting.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Anyone who complains about what is (or isn't) going on in the bedroom is shooting theirself in the foot. The spouse is likely to stop sleeping in the same bedroom so tales can't be told.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He sounds like a real catch. No one in my workplace b*tches about their spouse. It's inappropriate and anyone with a clue knows that the people with big mouths are usually the cause of their own issues.

What are you going to do when you start getting treated the same way as his ex-wife? It's only a matter of time really.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...



I don't know your particular situation, but he is probably needing to talk to someone and vent. This could be because you don't fulfill his needs.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

nirvana said:


> I don't know your particular situation, but he is probably needing to talk to someone and vent. This could be because you don't fulfill his needs.


Believe me his needs have always been met, he always had his way no matter how it makes me feel. If anyones needs have not been met, its mine.

We have went to counseling together and after the counselor heard and listened to what we both had to say. This is what the counselor said to my husband that what he hears me saying is that my needs are not being met and that it is not fair to me that his needs are being met and not mine. Well that was the first and last session that we had. H said that the counselor does not know what he's saying and that we need to look for someone that is more professional, but of course it never happened because I'm really the main problem and not him.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

Omego said:


> Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?


I'm actually starting to do things that will help me get out of this marriage.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Sounds rather OCD.
> Did he grow up with controlling parents.
> 
> You might be better out of a relationship as you're just going the frustrate the heck out of each other.
> ...


He's father was a controlling man and he hates his mother.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Actually, no. You're the last person he should trust with such things. He has to get it right in his head first, get an idea of whether he's over-reacting.
> 
> That they're stangers makes that easier.
> 
> ...


To an extent, I have to agree with Spot. Sometimes you need to get your head straight and talk about things with someone who isn't invested to try and get some perspective. After all, to an extent isn't that what TAM is all about (I understand there is a difference in that with TAM is mostly anonymity, I am just trying to draw some parallels). I know when I had some issues before talking to my wife I came here first, got some guidance/opinions which helped me to better focus my thoughts, and I believe helped make a difference when talking to my wife.

Now don't get me wrong, your H may be a complete dbag, and I do definitely believe that some discretion should be used in what information he shares, especially since these are people you may come face to face with. However, I don't agree with the absolute statement that problems should only ever be discussed with the SO or a counselor.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

nirvana said:


> I don't know your particular situation, but he is probably needing to talk to someone and vent. This could be because you don't fulfill his needs.


It would serve you well to acquaint yourself with a person's particular situation before making an asinine and totally useless statement.


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## nirvana (Jul 2, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> It would serve you well to acquaint yourself with a person's particular situation before making an asinine and totally useless statement.


Why are you complaining? We all can give our opinions and comments. Let the moderators decide.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

nirvana said:


> Why are you complaining? We all can give our opinions and comments. Let the moderators decide.


A statement of fact is not a complaint.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> I'm actually starting to do things that will help me get out of this marriage.


I think this is smart! He has zero respect for you and for your marriage. I can understand discussing things with coworkers who you are close to when there are serious issues going down, but it sounds to me like all he is doing is purposely causing drama, trying to make himself look like the big man to them and you to look like the sniveling nagging wife. Fvck that, you deserve better.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...


The number of red flags in this alone should have told you what kind of man he is and what kinds of friends he keeps. Sorry to say, but if he was this way with #1 I don't know why you'd think he'd all of a sudden turn into a respectful man.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

3Xnocharm said:


> I think this is smart! He has zero respect for you and for your marriage. I can understand discussing things with coworkers who you are close to when there are serious issues going down, but it sounds to me like all he is doing is purposely causing drama, trying to make himself look like the big man to them and you to look like the sniveling nagging wife. Fvck that, you deserve better.


Yes I agree that he has no respect for me and our marriage. You're right is trying to make himself look like he's all good and that I'm the one who is treating him so badly. It just makes me sick to know that I am married to someone like him.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

SurpriseMyself said:


> The number of red flags in this alone should have told you what kind of man he is and what kinds of friends he keeps. Sorry to say, but if he was this way with #1 I don't know why you'd think he'd all of a sudden turn into a respectful man.


Yes I know that he would do the same to me as he did his ex, well all of his exes actually. Sadly I never knew how he was until later on after we were married. If he had shared with me all that he did to his exes before we got married, I would have kicked him to the curb.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> A statement of fact is not a complaint.


then what is the purpose of making it?


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> Yes I know that he would do the same to me as he did his ex, well all of his exes actually. Sadly I never knew how he was until later on after we were married. If he had shared with me all that he did to his exes before we got married, I would have kicked him to the curb.


People do have to remember that the kind of relationship you are in before marriage is considerably different to the post marriage relationship.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> Believe me his needs have always been met, he always had his way no matter how it makes me feel. If anyones needs have not been met, its mine.


Now that is a red flag, against you.

Do understand that he is being rather immature.
It is entirely possible that the counselor is wrong - I had to have one changed for _bullying_. Their way was the only thing that "was true", disagreement was met with authoritarian statements or storming out of the room. Every attempt to extend a hand/point out the absurdness of some of their statements was brushed aside with authoritarian decrees. Counselors are human - this one just happened to get their reputation from (1) other professionals "professionally supporting" a fellow professional rather than telling truth, (2) they tended to work with abused or timid people who would quickly fall into pattern of the familiar relationship.

If your husband is willing to tell his co-workers, get him to come on here, introduce himself clearly, and share his side of the story....


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...


No. Plain and simply no. 

I can't imagine how someone would revel in their coworkers referring to their W as the B. It sounds as if she wasn't the problem there, and you are finding the same thing. 

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> I have suggested counseling, but he says he won't have anyone tell him how to live his life or tell him that he has to make changes. Yes I can try and ignore what his coworkers think of me. Problem is it bugs me to know that he lets them think that I'm this mean nasty woman, which I am no where near mean or nasty. Just like the way he's always talked badly about all his exes. I just cannot believe that every woman in his life has been horrible with him and he's never done them wrong.
> 
> I've even asked him how he would feel I discussed our problems with another man. He shrugged his shoulders and said he didn't care.


It's very unlikely that every single one of his exes is horrible. You may find that the problem is the common factor in all these cases, and that is him. 

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...


How long have you been together, and how long married? 

Do you have kids? 

Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Now that is a red flag, against you.
> 
> Do understand that he is being rather immature.
> It is entirely possible that the counselor is wrong - I had to have one changed for _bullying_. Their way was the only thing that "was true", disagreement was met with authoritarian statements or storming out of the room. Every attempt to extend a hand/point out the absurdness of some of their statements was brushed aside with authoritarian decrees. Counselors are human - this one just happened to get their reputation from (1) other professionals "professionally supporting" a fellow professional rather than telling truth, (2) they tended to work with abused or timid people who would quickly fall into pattern of the familiar relationship.
> ...


Why is it a red flag against me? Is it because I said that my needs need to be met? If anything it's true! His needs always have been met, he makes sure the he gets his way always. He either does it by letting me know that he is angry and won't speak to me or makes me feel guilty so I have to give in. I don't think counselor was wrong about him.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> No. Plain and simply no.
> 
> I can't imagine how someone would revel in their coworkers referring to their W as the B. It sounds as if she wasn't the problem there, and you are finding the same thing.
> 
> Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


I can't imagine it either. I seriously think that she wasn't really the problem, he was. He is really a very selfish man.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> It's very unlikely that every single one of his exes is horrible. You may find that the problem is the common factor in all these cases, and that is him.
> 
> Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


That's what I think too. According to him they all do him wrong and take advantage of him. He says he's the good guy. But as I have been him I am finding out Jo he really is. He's not a god guy, he's a mental and emotional abuser. He has labeled me crazy and a psycho. Has even gone as far as asking my friends and family if I am mental.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> How long have you been together, and how long married?
> 
> Do you have kids?
> 
> Sent from my HTC6500LVW using Tapatalk


Been married 10years, no kids


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

https://medium.com/matter/the-known-and-the-un-known-d7f0cff3c001#.p27yld17z


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

lee2012 said:


> Been married 10years, no kids


Time for a divorce then.

By the way, I can't imagine how anyone here (on Talk About Marriage) could think it was okay for him to do this. It's horrible.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> I can't imagine it either. I seriously think that she wasn't really the problem, he was. He is really a very selfish man.


The clue was that she said "all his needs are being met"

Remember we're only hearing any of this from one persons' side, and only the really condensed 10 second elevator pitch at that.
One thing that stands out, is that for some reason, he is not happy with the relationship, otherwise he would have nothing to complain about at work to co-workers about.

Therefore with the one-side condensed version we have to look for discrepancies and omissions more than what is being present to us on the surface.

Comments such as "I (or counselor) should be the only ones' he should talk to", are very controlling and isolating statements.

That means what we're hearing is likely to be a very subjective point-of-view. so when I see "all his needs are being meet and it's mine that aren't" that's red flag - two very immature people, unable to communicate.

Sadly though, without him communicating in the right direction it's hard to assess just what his motivators are, and clearly the OP is unable to correctly read the situation for her own reasons.

Also the complaints about ex's. The common factor is not just him. Another common factor is the _type_ of people whom he interacts well with and who find his brand of s..t attractive. A second common factor, is when same person, finds themselves in similar circumstances, with a similar type of person, they will tend to revert to familiar patterns - even as far as making the relationship environment "comfortable"/familiar to what they're used too, even though it is destructive ... in pseudo-science I would call it that persons' "low energy state". It takes definite action and Will to create order and patterns which don't collapse back to the "normal".


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

lee2012 said:


> I have suggested counseling, but he says he won't have anyone tell him how to live his life or tell him that he has to make changes.


The correct term for this is "divorced".

Likely if his habits are that ingrained and he's that closed off, he's untrainable and unadaptable. Narrows your options considerably.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> The clue was that she said "all his needs are being met"
> 
> Remember we're only hearing any of this from one persons' side, and only the really condensed 10 second elevator pitch at that.
> One thing that stands out, is that for some reason, he is not happy with the relationship, otherwise he would have nothing to complain about at work to co-workers about.
> ...


Yes his needs are always being met, each and every time I reach out and communicate with him, he doesn't want to hear it. If anything I have always tried very hard to do everything I know how to please him. So no I'm not immature. If he's not happy then I don't know why he keeps me around. I have asked him countless times if he wants out, he sas no each and every time. If he isn't happy then it must be that I have told him that I will NOT put up with all the crap that he dies to me and I will NOT be controlled anymore. As a matter of fact he does not want me to work outside of the home, but from home, if that's not controlling then I don't know what is. He is constantly telling me that it's better to just work from home, but I say NO WAY IN HELL I'm going to do as he says.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

technovelist said:


> Time for a divorce then.
> 
> By the way, I can't imagine how anyone here (on Talk About Marriage) could think it was okay for him to do this. It's horrible.


I'm seriously thinking of divorce!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> I just found out that my husband is sharing what is going on within our marriage with co-workers that he barely knows. Today a co-worker of his let it slip out to me that he knows of stuff that has been going between my husband and I. Well I told this co-worker that whatever goes on between my husband and I is no ones business, and that my husband should never have shared private stuff with others outside of our marriage, that should never be.
> 
> I asked my husband about it and of course he denies it just like he denies a lot of stuff when confronted. But I have to say that I do believe that he has talked about our problems to this co-worker and to all the guys that he works with. The reason why I believe that he has shared stuff with others is, my H was married before and pretty much had problems with his EX and told all his co-workers at a company he used to work for, about all the problems they were having and that she(ex) is a "B" and is a horrible woman. Well his co-workers took his side just disrespected her to no end. They would call her the "B" word to her face every time she came in for him. He said they would actually call him on the phone in her presence and say the "B" is here for you and they would laugh about it. They would cuss her out and he actually encouraged his coworkers to do it because she deserved it.
> 
> ...


He disrespected his first wife. Now he is disrespecting you.

There's a pattern, there, sadly.

Oh, yes! And he is a liar and a manipulative POS, too. But your probably already suspected that, yes?


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He disrespected his first wife. Now he is disrespecting you.
> 
> There's a pattern, there, sadly.
> 
> Oh, yes! And he is a liar and a manipulative POS, too. But your probably already suspected that, yes?


Yes sadly I have suspected that he's a liar and very manipulative.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lee2012 said:


> Yes sadly I have suspected that he's a liar and very manipulative.


Time he was put out to grass, I think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> then what is the purpose of making it?


The purpose is enlightenment. Throwing out a standard accusation to a person who is hurting is mean.

Offering an opinion when one hasn't even bothered to read the circumstances is stupid and useless to the OP.

Hope you understand, now, Mr. Dead Dog.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Time he was put out to grass, I think?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, I am actually working on it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

technovelist said:


> By the way, I can't imagine how anyone here (on Talk About Marriage) could think it was okay for him to do this. It's horrible.


I agree.

Years ago I had coworker that constantly complained about her boyfriend. When I finally met him it was really hard to like him because of the things my coworker told me. He was probably a perfectly nice guy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Because he's talking with his male co-workers about his marital problems you guys are recommending she leave him? Serious? There are 2 sides to the story. We're only hearing what to me sounds like way over the top response. Is he cheating on her? is he abusing her? What is he actually sharing? What are the problems in the marriage? We're strangers here. No shame in sharing with us.

It must be pretty bad if he doesn't want to talk about problems with his wife. Why does he want her to work at home? Why is she accusing him of being controlling? Everyone at TAM knows one of the main reasons husbands are accused of being controlling. 

Hey if I'm wrong, then I apologize but I'm sensing that someones whispering sweet nothings into her ear.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jsmart said:


> Because he's talking with his male co-workers about his marital problems you guys are recommending she leave him? Serious? There are 2 sides to the story. We're only hearing what to me sounds like way over the top response. Is he cheating on her? is he abusing her? What is he actually sharing? What are the problems in the marriage? We're strangers here. No shame in sharing with us.
> 
> It must be pretty bad if he doesn't want to talk about problems with his wife. Why does he want her to work at home? Why is she accusing him of being controlling? Everyone at TAM knows one of the main reasons husbands are accused of being controlling.
> 
> Hey if I'm wrong, then I apologize but I'm sensing that someones whispering sweet nothings into her ear.


Read her other thread and then determine if you are wrong and post your apology accordingly.

I know that some men want there to be another man involved so that the blame falls on the woman and therefore the poor fellow brother is not only innocent but is getting thoroughly shafted by his wicked, wicked wife.

However, some husbands are just jerks. Fact of life.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I just don't understand disrespecting your spouse to coworkers. Then you bring your spouse to company picnics and Christmas parties and then what? Everyone supposed to act normal? What a position to put your coworkers in... AND your spouse. 

I would be devastated if I found out my husband was bad mouthing me to his coworkers. Thankfully he's a grown up.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> The purpose is enlightenment. Throwing out a standard accusation to a person who is hurting is mean.
> 
> Offering an opinion when one hasn't even bothered to read the circumstances is stupid and useless to the OP.
> 
> Hope you understand, now, Mr. Dead Dog.


Believe me, I'm absolutely the last person you wanting to be playing the victim card to.

I have read *your* version, which was all about your impression and very light on facts or details, and heavy on accusations, been dealing with too many people who do that to not notice the omissions.

The result was hardly enlightening.

What was *enlightening* was that you follow up with three personal attacks at me, in a similar vein to the personal attacks that you have been been giving us about your husband.
Why don't I believe your intent was actual "enlightenment"? Because nothing you have said yet has actually been information or reason enough to enlighten, only to illustrate your feelings.
Thus I completely believe you cover up your complaint by labeling it as "enlightenment" to give yourself [in your mind] a plausible deniability ... no you don't complain and attack people, you "enlighten and address" them.

If you want the play the b_tch-card, learn to own the kennel.

Advicewise, look to the actual motivations and actions, not just your feelings and responses. If you are responding to your male in the same way as you're responding to me, you will trash all your hetrosexual relationships.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Believe me, I'm absolutely the last person you wanting to be playing the victim card to.
> 
> I have read *your* version, which was all about your impression and very light on facts or details, and heavy on accusations, been dealing with too many people who do that to not notice the omissions.
> 
> ...


You are obviously confusing me with another poster. Three personal attacks? Attacking my husband? My husband is deceased. You are the one who questioned my comment. Frankly, I didn't think it needed an explanation.

B_tch card? You need to get off your high horse. Just what set you off?


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

jsmart said:


> Because he's talking with his male co-workers about his marital problems you guys are recommending she leave him? Serious? There are 2 sides to the story. We're only hearing what to me sounds like way over the top response.
> 
> *Is he cheating on her?
> *
> ...


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I guess, I'm wrong on this. I apologize for accusing you of cheating. But on this forum, a common thing that is seen is WWs accusing their husbands of being controlling. This is done to get their BHs to back down from trying to stop them from having inappropriate relationships with men.

I still believe that destroying a marriage for your spouse sharing problems with co-workers is a bit much but it seems there is actually more issues in your marriage. I hope you can shake your husband out of it. I'd bet your husband is so busy playing the victim card, that he's not grasping that he's about to lose his wife.


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## lee2012 (Nov 18, 2015)

jsmart said:


> I guess, I'm wrong on this. I apologize for accusing you of cheating. But on this forum, a common thing that is seen is WWs accusing their husbands of being controlling. This is done to get their BHs to back down from trying to stop them from having inappropriate relationships with men.
> 
> I still believe that destroying a marriage for your spouse sharing problems with co-workers is a bit much but it seems there is actually more issues in your marriage. I hope you can shake your husband out of it. I'd bet your husband is so busy playing the victim card, that he's not grasping that he's about to lose his wife.


Thank you for your apology jsmart. Not once have I ever cheated on him, even when he did what he did. That's not who I am. Yes there are more issues in my marriage. I have let my husband know that I will not put up with his put downs anymore. My husband does have a habit of playing the victim every time. According to him it's always my fault. Just like with his ex wife and ex gfs it was always THEIR fault each and every time. I don't even think he'll care if he loses me. I know one thing though that when I do leave I will NOT be going back to him, no matter what. It'll be his loss and not mine.


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