# How to help a friend cope with infidelity?



## lea_7 (Jun 22, 2012)

Greetings. I'm new here, I hope I'm not making any mistake against the forum rules. Apologies if I do. 

I need an advice. My bestfriend is in a difficult marriage situation and as a friend I want to help but I don’t know how.

A few years ago her husband cheated on her, he confessed and chose to keep his new girlfriend but didn't divorce my friend. My friend and her husband had one kid together at the time. At that time when her husband told her he wouldn't leave his new gf, my friend decided to divorce him. After she found a job and separated from him for a few months, he promised her her would change and leave his new gf, so they worked it out. A few months after they got back together, she was pregnant again. Not long after he knew that she’s pregnant again, he told her that he never left his lover and that they're still together. That he was just getting my friend back to prove that he still could, and that he never wanted another child. After the confession he left their house to live with his new girlfriend, but he still visits his child on the weekends. 

Now the new child is born and not long after, his new girlfriend gave birth to their love child too. Now her husband lives with his new gf and their child, but visit his children with my friend on the weekends. No one in her family knows about this so in front of everyone they're still married and everyone thinks that her husband has to go to work at other town during weekdays. No one knows he has another family. 

To me it doesn’t look like he still care about her at all but she still begs him constantly to live together again. My friend told me she knew that her husband is treating her like a daycare centre. She got nothing out of this marriage aside of taking care of the children. To an outsider like me it does seem like that her husband doesn't want to divorce her because the current situation is perfect for him. My friend takes care of the children and he only visits them whenever he feels like it while he has a new perfect little family he lives with. 

I really wish I could help but I don't know how. My friend doesn't want a divorce or leave her husband but it's obvious she's so miserable. She told me that she's really unhappy and miserable but it feels like she doesn't want to get out of the situation herself. She doesn't even want to let anyone in her family knows because if they do, she's sure they'd pester her to get a divorce and she doesn't want that. 

It's frustrating that even with this situation, she lives her life depending on him. Even now that they're separated and her husband never make plans with her, she still does on her own. She never want to make plans for her weekend before she knows what her husband's plan is. Whether he'd visit the children or not because when he does then she doesn't want to leave the house so she could 'spend time with him' (and be bored at home if he doesn't, because it's his husband's habit to make and cancel plans on last minute) 

She still believes that her husband would eventually choose her and leave his girlfriend. But honestly I don't see it would happen, especially after they have a kid together and the way her husband always compliment her new gf in front of my friend. Telling her that she's perfect and how she's a thousand times better than my friend. And somehow my friend still thinks he still loves her and that they still could work it out.

It is so painful to watch. She said that she doesn't have a life anymore and if she leave her husband then her life would be over. She said that sometimes she thinks of divorce but she's afraid of the future. She doesn't think she could make it on her own, and when I tried to convince her that she could, she couldn't believe it and it only made her upset. 

What should I do to help her? I feel like she's drowning and I'm doing nothing. Being the only person who knows about her problems I feel that I must help her in any way that I could. But I don't know what could I do..

Do you think someone in her husband's situation could leave his new spouse to get back with his wife?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your friend needs some professional advice to help her figure out why she's willing to let herself be degraded like this. Until she can respect herself, nobody else will either.

And her husband won't change because there's no reason for him to change. She's taught him that she's willing to be treated this way and that it's acceptable. So he'll keep doing that until it's no longer an option for him.

C


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

she needs IC, poor lass my heart goes out to her. Convince her to go to counseling. Otherwise she will wither away.She's still young I reckon so she has a full life ahead, she doesn't need to live with Mr [email protected]@rdo 
and ruin her emotional and physical health


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## lea_7 (Jun 22, 2012)

I think you’re right, she might need professional help with so many problems going on in her life right now. I wish she would, and I hope she would be able to understand that she deserves to be respected.

I’m sad for her situation, but more sad about her accepting to be treated this way. 

She’s a little bit against counseling and therapy but I would try to convince her. 

Thank you very much for your advice, guys.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

send her the 1st page of this thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Wow she needs help. This is just awful. She really needs to expose the affiar to family and friends no more pretending. I hope she has stopped having sex with him and she needs to get checked for STDs. IC is a must she has to do this. She must feel so low about herself to be treated this way.

I am sure she feels lost and maybe feels that she cannot support her kids without him. Get her to a lawyer right away to start the divorce. Help her pack up any of is crap that is still in the home. Call him and tell him his stuff is on the front lawn.


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## lea_7 (Jun 22, 2012)

I will. That is one great article. Thanks a lot!

She does need help, hopefully from a lot of people. She does, her husband broken her self esteem over the years by keep insulting her physical appearance, calling her ugly (when she's not) and such. I would try to get the divorce and child support informations for her to read, although I don't think she's ready for that.. 

Thank you for your advice : )


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