# Wife's phone and social media obsession changing who she is - tapped out and agressive



## Atlas99 (Oct 1, 2020)

So my wife (been married for just over a year) is obsessed with her phone. It's bad enough that we can't have a conversation without her attention being drawn away to facebook, or have dinner, but it's actually changing her personality.

She's increasingly aggressive and argumentative and pre-loaded to be offended and argue. She's using a lot of social media speak and arguing about things we never would have before, I feel like she's starting to view me as an enemy or opposition. I hear her parroting phrases from facebook and social media people all the time now. She never did before she was a really independent thinker. I just talk less and less and never about anything serious I just divert or change the subject or don't engage, because I know she'll jump all over me. She's got no time any more for any opposition or somebody who doesn't think the exact same way as she does only from recently.

I'm not argumentative by nature, I just want to get on with my life and take care of my family. I really don't care about much else outside of that. I'm not very political or opinionated, or if I have opposing views or whatever to my wife I'm happy to just accept we don't have to agree on everything and that's okay. I may not agree with her but I respect her opinion even if I don't share it. That's not enough now though. She's got no middle-ground or give to her.

Even if we argue and I try to apologize she gets very arrogant and dismissive and even that isn't good enough, or I'm not apologizing in the right way.

We're growing apart, I can feel it. Since the pandemic hit she's more and more in her phone. She's even admitted it, said she took the facebook app off etc so she's "on facebook a lot less." She isn't, she's just using the web-browser.

I'm not getting the joy out of this relationship I once did. She's either on her phone, or I can tell she wants to be. She's "limiting" how much she's on it because we've talked about this before, but I know she doesn't want to and is only doing it because of me. She's also not really limiting it like she thinks she is. If she has a spare second, I walk out of the room, she's eating lunch, I get out of the car to pick up food, name the scenario she has her phone in her hand and she's on facebook. Just scrolling and obsessing on the lives and opinions of strangers. Not to mention all day when she's in her office "working."

I genuinely feel that her family is an annoying distraction and obligation she has to deal with in order to spend more time on her phone. She works upstairs in the office during the day, doesn't come down much any more during the day, I'm sure because the whole time she's "working" she has facebook up on her phone or laptop.

Also after we talked about her facebook usage time she took a step back from it for a few days (didn't stop) and just jumped to instagram. If not those she's reading news websites. She wants to focus on anything but her life; just what's inside her phone. She'll find anything else to be focused on so long as it's inside her phone.

I do the childcare and home schooling, and I think that's basically my value now. She can stay upstairs and go on facebook and I'll take care of the rest of it. I'm convenient, a childcare service that enables her to play with her phone more.

In the evenings it feels like she feels obligated to spend some time with me (making dinner, watching tv etc) but really what she would rather be doing is interacting or reading the opinions and thoughts of strangers on the internet. And if she has a spare second or the mood hits her - guess what - the phone is in her hand again.

It's a horrible feeling to be in competition with a Samsung smartphone for your wife's attention, particularly if you know you're losing and the phone is winning.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Sorry your going through this. 

Just to cut to the chase, if you don't plan how you can get back to being independent financially there is likely no hope.

You're going to have to show her you're done waiting on her to put down the phone, by getting out and doing your own thing.

You don't need her permission or acceptance. The quicker you do this the better chance you may have, and it's just a maybe, of her return to a couple's relationship with you. 

My hope is there's time, my opinion is she's gone already. 

Hang in there.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is a very long history on this site of SAHD's wives ending up like this. She may says she is progressive, but lots and lots of women grow to resent their husbands who stay at home. I get lots of "modern" thinking is to believe and maybe hope people have progressed passed this kind of thinking, but maybe it's not thinking but instinct. Queue the backlash, but how has it worked out so far? I would think long and hard about whether you want to stay in this situation.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Dude: being a SAHD is respect's death eventually for most women that have their husband being the one taking the traditional role of women at home. That, plus, you are coming across as a passive guy, it is the sure thing for her to eventually start seeing men in the working environment as more "men" than you. That's if she's not already doing it. Get out of this role if you want the relationship to continue. That is if it is not too late already.


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## Atlas99 (Oct 1, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sorry your going through this.
> 
> Just to cut to the chase, if you don't plan how you can get back to being independent financially there is likely no hope.
> 
> ...


 Thanks Ragnar.

I've tried going off and doing my own thing, honestly I think it's a positive for her because she can just continue to play with her phone and not feel bad. If she even notices.


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## Atlas99 (Oct 1, 2020)

sokillme said:


> There is a very long history on this site of SAHD's wives ending up like this. She may says she is progressive, but lots and lots of women grow to resent their husbands who stay at home. I get lots of "modern" thinking is to believe and maybe hope people have progressed passed this kind of thinking, but maybe it's not thinking but instinct. Queue the backlash, but how has it worked out so far? I would think long and hard about whether you want to stay in this situation.


That's the thing; I don't want out, I just want a reset. For things to be how they were. She's been working from home since the start of the pandemic and we're together allllllll the time which I think is part of the problem. She has too much time to play with facebook. She wouldn't if she was at the office and really working.


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## Atlas99 (Oct 1, 2020)

Rob_1 said:


> Dude: being a SAHD is respect's death eventually for most women that have their husband being the one taking the traditional role of women at home. That, plus, you are coming across as a passive guy, it is the sure thing for her to eventually start seeing men in the working environment as more "men" than you. That's if she's not already doing it. Get out of this role if you want the relationship to continue. That is if it is not too late already.


She's not seeing or around anybody else; I think that's part of the issue. She's working from home since the pandemic hit and we're just around each other so much (when she's not in the office). She's just not present when she even is here. Just facebook.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Atlas99 said:


> Thanks Ragnar.
> 
> I've tried going off and doing my own thing, honestly I think it's a positive for her because she can just continue to play with her phone and not feel bad. If she even notices.


Make sure you're leaving the kids with her or put her in charge of them as you get out regularly. 

No calling her to check on things, or putting her schedule first.

Tell her this that, don't ask, and leave kids and home chores up to her.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Atlas99 said:


> She's not seeing or around anybody else; I think that's part of the issue. She's working from home since the pandemic hit and we're just around each other so much (when she's not in the office). She's just not present when she even is here. Just facebook.



That, as it may be, it still doesn't negate what you've been told about SAHD. PLus don't discard for a moment that deep within herself she might have some type of feelings/resentments about it.
Regardless, you must be alpha when it comes to who's who in the relationship and what do you expect out of it. There can't be lingering doubts about. Communication is the key here. 
One thing is for sure: one must be willing and able to walk out of a relationship if your needs are not met.
Arguing and *****ing about without consequences are meaningless. The circle continues. Give your demands, if they are not met, then what's there to save? But you must be willing to walk away, otherwise, shut up and put up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it’s certainly possible that she only sees your value as being there for child care and home-schooling. Respect could well be lost at this point. It can easily happen in situations like yours, unfortunately. How are you planning to correct that?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

"Wife, it doesn't look like you have any space left in your life for me, so I am going to save you the trouble and free you, so you have the time to pursue what really matters to you."

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Do you think her efforts to diminish her usage are b/c she sees what is happening, or just to appease you? If you can get her to realize how it is affecting her, and not just that you object, your chances seem better.

I think a lot of people have abandoned traditional friendship for an electronic form and the results are disastrous. I'm sorry it is happening to you.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I went through something similar with my wife except she was a news junkie. It came to a head one evening while I was trying to have a nice, quiet dinner with her and she turns on the TV and starts yelling and arguing with the new commentators like they could hear her. I just told her that she was ruining our evening and our relationship and I wasn't going to put up with it so I took the remote and turned off the TV and would not discuss any news event with her. It was the end of our "date night" for that night as I would not talk to her and let her know that she was the one to ruin our evening together. I followed up over the days ahead with walking away from her every time she started ranting about some news story and telling her I wasn't discussing it with her. She finally got the message and now she rarely watches the news, but when she does and starts back into her old ways, I remind her that I'm not interested in the BS and walk away. If I was in your position, I would probably take her phone and break the damn thing in half.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Diceplayer said:


> If I was in your position, I would probably take her phone and break the damn thing in half.


In view of how the OP is coming across through his posts, I doubt very much that he would do such thing.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> I went through something similar with my wife except she was a news junkie. It came to a head one evening while I was trying to have a nice, quiet dinner with her and she turns on the TV and starts yelling and arguing with the new commentators like they could hear her. I just told her that she was ruining our evening and our relationship and I wasn't going to put up with it so I took the remote and turned off the TV and would not discuss any news event with her. It was the end of our "date night" for that night as I would not talk to her and let her know that she was the one to ruin our evening together. I followed up over the days ahead with walking away from her every time she started ranting about some news story and telling her I wasn't discussing it with her. She finally got the message and now she rarely watches the news, but when she does and starts back into her old ways, I remind her that I'm not interested in the BS and walk away. If I was in your position, I would probably take her phone and break the damn thing in half.


I don't consider the fact that she likes to watch the news and/or argue about it to be a problem, just that her obsession w/ it was robbing you of your couple time. Not clear if you agree or not, just wanted to clarify.

I feel the same about most interests, a spouse is welcome to enjoy hobbies the other doesn't but if they conflict w/ the couple's time together it is then a problem.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

OP, disregard the insulting posts and remember the qualifications for posting here begin and end with having an email address.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Nothing new in this....

The lockdown orders and abject fear has people at each others throats. 
Stress level, boredom and the sense of being helpless has fueled what you are seeing.

Most people need to interact with others on a constant basis. We are meant to socialize.
The Wuhan Virus has effed up our lives big time. So has the politics behind it.

Little children were previously baby sat by television and cartoons, and now mini-laptops, and electronic toys.

Your wife is escaping into her phone and its apps, and those at the other end of the pixelated universe, the internet. 

You need to wait this pandemic out. 

.....................................................
Side jack:
Once people go back to their normal lives it will get better. 

Will it return to the same as before?.....Not a chance. 

Companies now see that people can work at home. They do not need such expensive facilities to do business.
.....................................................

Yes, you need to get your own job, away from home. That is the consensus here.

Your wife may be too far gone and may never get back to before.

I can say there is a good chance that she will, at some point, get bored with her new found friends and this internet/phone use.

....................................................
We see this on TAM. 
Many people no longer post and are likely viewing this blog a lot less, as time goes by. They may pop in and out a few times a month to see if something that interests them catches their eye.

The same folks post here, week after week. Then, they too, drop off, only to be replaced by a new crowd.

.................................................

My point?

As mentioned, she may get bored with the internet and return to her family. 
Expect it not until after this pandemic and the concurrent political circus we are experiencing.

One can hope.

My opinion?
It ain't looking good for her and you at the moment. 
You already know this.

Good Luck!


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

I remember when I was first started dating my wife. We went out to dinner, just the two of us, and low and behold, she pulls out her phone and starts looking at it. I had to pick up my jaw from the floor for the amount of disrespect that showed. After the shock wore off, I got up and started walking out. She asked me where I am going, and I simply replied that I am going home......

That was the last time we went out to dinner and she has done that. I don't do that either, it's incredibly disrespectful.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Your wife is having an affair. She is pissed since she is now stuck at home and cannot visit him. She's not on Facebook all day. She's messaging her affair partner. Her behavior is textbook cheater behavior.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

I Know said:


> Your wife is having an affair. She is pissed since she is now stuck at home and cannot visit him. She's not on Facebook all day. She's messaging her affair partner. Her behavior is textbook cheater behavior.


^^^very possible. Was thinking the same. ^^^


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## Ironmonger76 (Oct 10, 2020)

I agree with the previous reply. Quit waiting on her. Build your own castle, your own life, your own awesome. You need no one's permission, and whatever you decide to do , be it lifting or painting or ballroom dancing, you do not need to explain yourself or defend yourself. get on with your life. At some point when you are firing on all cylinders, invite her to join you on a date night. Dress up, night restauruant, go out dancing. One condition, she MUST leave her phone at home. If she declines, don't make a big thing. Just shrug and say "Suit yourself" and go meet with friends instead.


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