# Does he mean it?



## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I'll try not to be too long, but feel I should give background to my dilemma. This has been the worst year of my life. I found out back in March that my husband was having an affair and "wasn't in love with me anymore". Since then we have both been trying to figure out if this marriage is worth saving. It's been a serious roller coaster. In August he said that he really wanted to stay and work this out. Long story short, he still hadn't stopped talking to the OW. I have asked him to please just leave, go be with her if that's what he wants. I even told him that I would make it as easy as possible for him to see our kids whenever he wanted. He told me he didn't want to go. Christmas Eve was wonderful, the week after not so much. I knew in my heart that we wouldn't be spending New Year's Eve together, just by the way he was acting. As I was driving home that night from dropping off the kids, I texted and asked him what was going on. He replied with basically that he wanted to see if he would miss me. So I called him and told him that I'd had enough, that if he had to lose me to appreciate me then so be it, he lost me. I told him that I wouldn't be spending the night at home and for him to come the next day and pack his stuff, I was done. When I got home to finish getting ready, he was still there. I got my things and left, not even telling him where I was going. He texted me a few times throughout the night and I didn't respond. He claimed to be at his friend's house, which I doubted. Figured he was with HER. Then at about 8:30 Saturday morning I get a text that says "good morning, sorry, thought about u all night and all morning, my friend is probably still drying his shirt off from my tears. I f'd up, alot. I hope that one day I can make it up to you and the kids". So I come home, we talk a little, he cries alot. I of course want to believe he means it, but could losing me for one night really make him change his mind? I know that we still have so much to discuss, but I don't even know if I believe him. He seemed sincere, but over this year I've discovered how skilled he is at lying. Perspective?


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sometimes, one night is all it takes for the WS to wake up, so, yes, there is a good chance that he has come to realize his mistake. 

But then again, there is the chance that he wants to suddenly save this M because the OW dumped him.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

First of all. Do you love him? It seems you can live without him very well, which is good. Second, do you think your marriage worths saving? 
Third, your husband damaged the marriage, having fun with the OW and now he's crying to you asking you for love? (It doesn't make any sense.) He's just a pure 2 timer. He knows how to soften your heart. Do you really buy that? Do you want to be loved in a marriage in this way?
There are quite many things you will need to figure out what you want in life.
He means it or not, in my opinion, who cares about a liar?
Liars always look sincere, that's how you're fooled & cheated.
Important is your happiness, so forget about what he wants, forget about his happiness because he already got a lot of happiness & excitement from the OW.
He doesn't love you. He was just trying avoid the troubles of divorce and custody issues.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

Having just been through a very similar experience I would say trust your instincts. My wife told me very recently how much I meant to her then hours later she was with the OM.

Do not rush anything, if he is serious then decide what you need to be convinced and ask him to do it. At some point you have to draw a line and if its crossed just walk away.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sounds like she dumped him.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Skillful Liars Never Regret Their Mistakes. They will lie to you even better, always brushing up lying skills, including crying, talking sweet, kneeing down, begging for chance...etc. You will live in the rest of your life in a lie if you want to continue staying married with a liar.
Some men by nature, one woman isn't enough for them, simply, they will try to skip all the troubles to get what they want.
They know how to speak to you because they know what you want to hear and they know they can make you believe them because they would act sincere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

I'd be wary of being manipulated. We can't profess to know what he's thinking or feeling, whether he's genuine or not, but I wouldn't trust him, that's for sure. It's been 9 months for me too (including the period of continued contact), and I still don't trust my husband either. He's still there, and we're taking it one day at a time. It's hard, and there are days that I want to give up, but I'm finding some joy in general family things, even if it is still missing in our relationship with each other. Maybe in time it will return, but it isn't a life I would choose again.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

She didn't dump him, guaranteed, I've talked to her and read things she has sent him and she is determined to have him. She's only 22 and not to sound nasty, but really just white trash. I'm not convinced that he's changed his mind, but we haven't really gotten in to it all yet. New Year's Eve I was completely ready to be done, and could still go that road, but my heart won' let me walk away if there's even a sliver of hope we can save this. Yes, I still love him, what is left of the him I know anyway. Obviously the next step is for us to have a serious heart to heart. Thanks for the replies.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

cantletgo said:


> She didn't dump him, guaranteed, I've talked to her and read things she has sent him and she is determined to have him. She's only 22 and not to sound nasty, but really just white trash. I'm not convinced that he's changed his mind, but we haven't really gotten in to it all yet. New Year's Eve I was completely ready to be done, and could still go that road, but my heart won' let me walk away if there's even a sliver of hope we can save this. Yes, I still love him, what is left of the him I know anyway. Obviously the next step is for us to have a serious heart to heart. Thanks for the replies.


You don't love him anymore. You just don't want to lose the competition because of jealousy. 
I hope you wake up because he can't give you the happiness you deserve.
Forget about that young girl. After getting bored, he would find someone younger to have fun with. He would lie to you with a better skill.
You can never win any one but waste your life handling this issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

You must be kidding. Yes he would pretend serious heart to heart, no matter how serious, he can provide you that attitude you like.
You know your husband. He loves young women and he wants to fk young women. 
By nature, he won't change. He wants to look sincere only because he doesn't want to spend money for MC, divorce, the lawer, all the troubles. He knows this is his own entertainment. His biggest mistake was he failed to hide it and let you catch him. I have seem too many this kind of men. They're also friends.
They said money can buy love, fun from young girls. The wife is only for family and kids.


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## Fallon (Dec 23, 2010)

Ouch!


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

There are steps your husband can take to show you that he is sincere about his willingness to work on the marriage. The very first step is to honestly begin _No_ Contact. Unless that contact ends, there is no chance for your marriage. 

We advise you to do this in a specific manner, designed to have the greatest effect, and create the best possible chances for your marriage to recover - and then move on to a better one. The way you do this is first, have your husband read this article:

The Purpose of No Contact. 

Print it out for him and hand it to him. After that, have him draft a 'No Contact' letter to the Other Woman and give it to YOU to read, approve and mail. _He does NOT mail it!_ The No Contact letter must be written in such a way as to do as much as possible to end the possibility of returning to _that particular affair_:

Here are some sample No Contact letters.

Note well how these are worded!

Does this step guarantee that this will end ALL affairs? NO, of course not - there are other things that must be taken care of for that to happen. But it can do a lot to end _this_ affair.

I know people tend to make over-generalized, imaginative claims ('once a cheater, always a cheater'), but this is simply not the case. MsLonely points out, above that, '...Some men by nature, one woman isn't enough for them, simply, they will try to skip all the troubles to get what they want..." I disagree with this completely. ALL people are by nature liars, etc. _It is by deliberate, rational action that we CHOOSE to not do the things we want to do._ To claim that 'some' men "CAN'T" help themselves takes away their humanity - it makes them robots (this is a major problem with behaviorism in any form). The mark of a human being - that is - if you are human _at all_ then you are able to make decisions and act on them. The second part of her sentence is dead on: people do 'skip all the troubles' to get what they want. That's pretty much the hallmark of our society, isn't it? How many people have credit card debt because they want stuff that they cannot afford? Regardless, the idea is the same: people CHOOSE to do things, they can CHOOSE NOT to do them just as easily. The 'troubles' they skip simply mean they end up with a different set of troubles with which to deal! Exchanging one set of problems for another shows how absolutely foolish it is to chase after happiness. 

True happiness comes from learning to be content _where you are._

So why did I gibber on so about all this? Because there is a simple thing to consider: 

If your husband is serious about the marriage, he will do what it takes to make things right. He will not try to wiggle out, he will simply take the steps and act. He will make the decisions necessary.

Here is a thread that gives the steps needed to begin the process of healing your marriage.

Right now, you have this one affair with which to deal. How you avoid affairs in the future is dependent upon the commitment BOTH of you make to your marriage from here on out.

But one step at a time: end this affair before trying to deal with possible ones in the future!


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

We have talked at length about the "reasons" all this happened, the things that went wrong, real and imagined slights, etc. And I am fully aware of my part in this, but you're right, I know that what he did was a decision he made. This girl was merely a crime of opportunity. I don't think he went looking for her, but he was out one night, friends that are in a band, she was there, she knows our mutual friend. He sings, she complimented him, and he seized the opportunity. As far as being jealous, you couldn't be more wrong MsLonely. I say she is trash because of the things she has said and done and because I know people who know her family. Now as far as his nature, no, I don't believe that he is predator and a born liar. He has simply gotten so far from who he really is, caught up in this ego storm, and convinced himself that he is justified in his actions. He's pretty much cut himself off from his friends because he knows they don't support him on this, but says it's because "he doesn't have any friends". Or that they just turned their backs on him. Until he is ready to admit his mistakes, own them, and make a concerted effort to put things right, we can't begin to heal. I guess we shall see how committed he is in coming weeks and months.


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