# What to do when your wife is blatently fantasizing in bed



## Earl 2

I have been married for 27 yrs. I always thought my wife and I had a pretty good relationship. The sex was fun, we do a lot of things together. We usually spend our free time together. Overall, I thought she was generally happy. 
During lovemaking we always had a lot of eye contact, even during the times she wasn't totally in the mood.
Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry. 
To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems. I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off. She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy. I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too.
I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy. 
I guess I feel as if she has just fallen out of love with me but can't go through with leaving me just yet. I don't really know what to think. I am fairly confident there is no one else, at least so far. Who knows, maybe she isn't fantasizing? But, it sure feels like it.
I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school. 
Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.


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## arbitrator

*It sounds rather reasonable that she may be fantasizing. 

IMHO, yours is an excellent question for a psychologist!*


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## Earl 2

Lila, thanks for responding. She says she has been going through menopause lately and mentioned being a little dryer than normal and not being in the mood as often.. She seemed upset that I would accuse her of fantasizing about someone else. Actually, I asked her if she was, not accuse her of it.
I always enjoyed our sex life and she has said she does, also.
I just feel that with her anger at me lately, she just doesn't feel very close and maybe the only way to deal with sex with me at the moment and get in the mood, is to think of someone else. I guess it's possible she isn't fantasizing, but it sure seems like she is. I can't stop thinking about it and picturing her face so disconnected from what we are doing and how it used to be.


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## GusPolinski




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## ConanHub

Try bondage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richardsharpe

Good evening all
If I thought my wife was fantasizing in bed, I'd ask her what the fantasy was so I could play along. I'm happy to be the dashing pirate captain, or crown prince of Croatobaltislavonia, a savage viking warrior, or pretty much anything else -- except many not the guy from Twilight, I do have my limits.


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## Rayloveshiswife

Earl 2, I sent you a PM

Re'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn

she is thinking about separating!

hmm

distant
not doing enough around the house
no physical contact out side the bed room
resents you because she had to go back to work

why wouldn't she want to work after the kids are in collage for crying out loud.

your not going to like what i say. But i would be concerned that she is indeed cheating.


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## chillymorn

Threetimesalady said:


> What makes anyone know/think a psychologist or anyone else knows what lives inside the mind of a woman...Most of them don't know that much about life with the exception of what they have read...Each woman is different...Each time in life has a different meaning...Some of us age with grace and others go deeper into ourselves...thus the joy of the aging woman who goes for the younger man...


I would think this insulting to most women!

???


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## the guy

Threetimesalady said:


> What makes anyone know/think a psychologist or anyone else knows what lives inside the mind of a woman...Most of them don't know that much about life with the exception of what they have read...Each woman is different...Each time in life has a different meaning...Some of us age with grace and others go deeper into ourselves...thus the joy of the aging woman who goes for the younger man...


Even I thought this was a low blow to the chicks!

Some chicks get phucked up, beat and abandoned.......you can't read that shyt in books!

OP, the way I see it, as long as you are the only one between your old ladies legs...then who cares how many shades, or what color your old lady is fantasizing about.

However I would but my mate guard up and look into any POS that might be trying to move in on your old lady. Check her phone.


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## the guy

Threetimesalady said:


> How is it insulting?...Each woman and her thoughts are different...You don't know where she lives during sex....She can say one thing and be thinking another...This is also true of a man...As long as she is happy and enjoying it he should be too...IMO, he is just looking for a problem........After menopause a woman really starts to get into it with sex....This, IMO, is a troubling word (menopause) that we as women are brought up to think...It can be an excuse...It can be a way out...All of these things can happen...What happens if we start really enjoying it?...Letting it all hang out and giving...Do all men worry then because we are now happy and erotic?....


It's all good.

I usually hang out in the CWI section Of TAM so as long as OP's old lady isn't phucking around and laying with her man out of duty...then it's all good.

Hell I still can't figure out how I could look into my old ladies eyes when alls I can see is her pelvis and a little strip of hair. 


I'm wired different then most....that whole eye contact thing is just foreplay....:smthumbup: I figure my old lady is looking into my eyes to see what she is going to be up against for the next hour.

Thread jack over!


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## Earl 2

Thanks to everyone for responding. We had a really good talk the other day about our relationship and she said she doesn't want to leave. She said she said that in anger, and I guess I have said similar things to her myself over the years She said she wants it to work and wants another twenty-seven years together years. She realizes we both need to try harder to give what the other needs. We went out to dinner Friday night and then stopped at a friend's restaurant on the way home for a drink and while we were sitting at the bar talking, we were turned on our seats facing each other and I could see the old familiar twinkle in her eyes that I always loved to see. I know she still loves me and she does always do nice little things for me that she doesn't need to do. She tells me she still loves me and I believe her. We did make love Friday night and the closed eye thing was gone. That felt nice and maybe it was just a lack of feeling close to me. I have been doing a lot more of the household chores, most actually, which she says she really appreciates. Oddly enough, I kind of enjoy it. Maybe, because I know that she appreciates it and is a happier person because of it. The financial issues with tuition are still a concern, but we will figure it out. 
In ninety days my second daughter is done with college, so that will leave only one to pay for, for only two more years. A piece of cake.
Interestingly enough, I was talking to my oldest daughter tonight and she tells me she had a conversation with her mother a few days ago, and that my wife referred to me as her soul mate. I really don't understand my wife, I guess.
Anyhow, I know she has never had an affair and I don't believe she would ever betray me like that. I think she would divorce me first and I really don't think that is going to happen. We have been getting along very well. I went skiing with a friend yesterday and she offered to make my lunch for me and she also bought a few snacks for me at the grocery store. That doesn't really sound like someone that wants out of the marriage. In fact, it sounds like my wife of old. I think we've turned a corner for the better and with continued attention to her needs, I think we will emerge stronger than ever. I hope so.
Thanks again for your inputs.


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## Catherine602

I hope you are right. After reading so many threads like this, I don't think you have enough info to come to a conclusion about cheating. 

Unexplained and unusually extra nice behavior is a way of diverting the suspicions of a spouse. The cheater may seem more happy and loving than they have in a long time. The fog makes everything brighter. Is your wife taking more of an interest in her appearance, exercising, and losing weight? 

Your wife works out of the home, she is unhappy in the marriage and with you. Motive, opportunity and marriage script rewrite. Your sense of something wrong is one of the biggest indicators. Trust your gut. Do some serious investigation.


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## Earl 2

She works from home. All of her coworkers work in different states. She really doesnt have time for an affair. What i mean by that is, i know where she is when she isnt working. I have wondered that same thing but i dont think thats it. I am not covering my head in the sand and refusing to believe that shes cheating. It was my first suspicion. But, i dont think so. Could she have cheated when out of town on business, maybe, but, she never seemed different or appeared guilty when i picked her up. I really dont think thats it and i have looked into it. Text messages show up on the phone bill. She could use her work phone but i never see her using it when she isnt working.


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## CincyBluesFan

Fantasizing during sex is 100% normal. Married as long as you have been don't lie us and tell us you haven't done that too. Be honest about it. Have fun with it. Love your lady with confidence and don't sweat the small stuff.


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## jolyajones

I would think this insulting to most women! i dont like those people who insults the woman's


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## ILoveSparkles

You're all upset because your wife as now started closing her eyes during sex?? So what? So what if she's fantasizing? You can deny it all you want, but I have do doubt you haven't fantasized during sex yourself. 

Why is it that every single time something changes people start in on the "possible cheating" train?


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## Mr. Nail

Have you ever wanted to just ignore all the post, and answers and just reply bluntly to the title?


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## marriageordisaster

Have you ever just had a night of rough hard, passionate lights off dont give a F*** sex. Sometimes the best way to get stress out is to just have after sessions, where it isnt about love or connection just sex. Maybe talk to your wife about have a night of hard meaningless sex. Turn the lights off, blindfold each other and dont say a word. put the tv on or some music. Something different, something she and you are not used to from your normal routine. You would be surprised how your senses are working during sex.


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## Yeswecan

I don't know guy. My W closes her eyes during sex. She has this image in her mind how we look during love making. I can assure you we both look like a god and goddess in her minds eye. I can assure you were are anything but. Once we videotaped and well...the final production was not what her minds eye sees. I guess to much Hollywood production sex scenes produced this image. Who knows.


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## YummyPB

I fantasize about someone else most of the time. I don't care if he does either. I'm not sure what the big hang-up is if everybody is happy when it's over.


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## Earl 2

I don't know why it bothers me so much. But watching her those times where she was obviously thinking about someone else from the point where I was just getting on the bed, four ft away from her, and she already closed her eyes, continuing with changing positions until we were finished, was very troubling to me. Of course I've thought about other women during sex, but only for a few minutes at a time and I don't, usually. I didn't make the fantasy person the only focal point the entire time we were having sex. It"s just that she was doing it 4 or 5 times in a row that was starting to bother me.
There were several underlying issues at the time that we have talked about since then, that I realize caused her to feel more distant than she does now. Maybe she would still do it if I hadn't mentioned how much it bothers me. I think if you are going to fantasize, just be more discreet about it.
Not everyone wants to know their spouse is thinking they are with someone else.
It could just be my insecurities I'm feeling having had a rough patch in my marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Earl 2 said*: Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry.


 How did you bring it up to her.. just trying to understand how such a conversation might go.. 



> To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
> *We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems.* I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off.* She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy*.


 She REALLY let it out here.. Ok.. it sounds your wife is very resentful towards you.. it has been building for years...



> *I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too*.


 I think to overcome resentment, it has to be opened up & talked about.. the feelings acknowledged and each forgiving each other.. what happened exactly.. I mean, sh** happens, people get laid off.. I surely wouldn't blame my H if something beyond his control like this happened..or was it more than this.. did you get fired for something, does she BLAME you for bad decisions that have left a financial burden on the family??



> I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. *There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy. *


 Please work on this...

I am thinking if she opened up to you about the blame, she is WILLING TO TALK .... even if it comes out hurtful as it did...to get back to the good, you will have to wade through these hurtful waters.. sometimes a couple need a counselor to help them get there.. but it's not necessary for everyone...



> *I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. *The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school.
> Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.


 it sounds with her now having to work, she really needed you to step up helping around the house... you have experienced the changes here for the good .. so yes. KEEP them up!! She could also be an "acts of service" woman -with your helping with the little things. it makes her feel more loved & appreciated..filling her love tank.

I wouldn't worry so much about the fantasizing unless you think she has an EA on the side at work.. (any suspicions here?) as that could steal her emotional energy away from YOU.. 

I would focus the most on getting to the root of this resentment, finding peace and forgiveness with each other ..understanding you've both made mistakes, could have taken each other for granted or acted out in stress ... really LISTEN to each other.. and own where you messed up.. this will go a long way.... see where she stands...small steps ...taking more time... showing affection to woo her back to you..... you will feel her receptivity as you & her find peace again...

Do you have unresolved Resentment in your life >>>> Resentment Test 









...........Resentment: The Biggest Relationship Killer..........

Resentment often functions in a downward spiral. Resentful feelings cut off communication between the resentful person & their spouse who they feel wronged them, which often results in future miscommunications & the development of further building of a resentment wall. Because of the consequences they carry, resentful feelings are dangerous to live with and need to be dealt with. Resentment is an obstacle to the restoration of equal moral relations among persons, and must be handled and expunged via introspection and forgiveness.

*MOST COMMON ISSUES FACED BY COUPLES*:


> “Not Tonight Dear” Why Couples Stop Having Sex (and what you can do about it)
> 
> *1*. Anger and resentment in the relationship
> *2*. Mediocre or boring sex
> *3*. Issues with initiating sex
> *4*. Failure to make sex a priority
> *5*. Excessive masturbation to pornography
> *6*. Failure to attend to personal hygiene or appearance
> *7*. Failure to address sexual dysfunction
> *8*. Forgetting that foreplay starts long before the bedroom


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## michzz

have you tried just not staring at her with a laser beam intensity?

Maybe it is unnerving and it breaks her concentration?


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## ConanHub

Try fantasizing back?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum

Have you read MMSL?


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## Earl 2

Simply Amorous, thanks for the response. When I first brought up the subject I simply asked her why was she keeping her eyes closed so much. Her response was basically "What's the big deal, I'm just closing my eyes". I commented that she had never really done that all the time before and from there it sort of escalated into a fight. I overreacted a bit and asked who she was thinking about. I said something is going on and I wanted to know what it was. She proceeded to tell me about how unhappy she was. She told me how unfair she thought it was that she did all the housework and cooking and that I did nothing to help. She said she couldn't live like that anymore and she had thought of a separation.
Actually, in my defense, I do all the maintenance and yard work and while she usually cooked dinner, I always cleaned up the mess.
But, she was right. I wasn't doing my share of the work, considering how many more hours a week she was working.
I pretty much do all the house work now, and we are pretty even on cooking. She is much more skilled in the kitchen than I am and she actually likes to cook. So, she still won't let me take it over, completely.

She did blame me for our financial stress. We currently have two kids enrolled full time in college. We're paying approximately $40,000 per year. This is the fourth and final year of two in school at the same. They worked very hard in high school to get good grades to get into good schools, and we didn't want to deny them the learning experiences of a four year college. This was a financial burden we both knew we would have when the oldest went away to school her first year. It has been a difficult challenge, but we're almost through it. We also didn't want our kids to have a heavy financial debt. upon graduation. To blame me for this I think was very unfair. She has never mentioned it to me since that one evening in bed. 

I was layed off in 2008 due to a housing slump. The company went from around 500 employees to approximately 75. Then they, along with every other home builder, went non-union and cut the pay of every remaining employee. That was the first time I lost a job since we were married. Even during this most difficult financial period of my life, when there were no real jobs to be found, I was able to find small jobs to stay busy with, and keep money coming into the household. We never got behind on our mortgage and we always had food on the table and clothes on our backs. Yea, those couple of years really were horrible, but we got through them. And in two months, we're down to only one still in college. Yeehaa!

Yes, she was very resentful. She had been mentioning how little I did to help out, but she has done that for so long that I think I learned to tune it out. I heard her loud and clear when she mentioned separation.
After the big blowout, it was difficult to initiate a serious talk about our marriage again, because I knew how it would go. After an argument one evening, I stayed up and wrote her a three page letter about how I felt. It's hard to stay on track and say the things you want to say when you are arguing, so I find it easier to write a letter. The next morning we talked and she agreed she needed to try harder, also.
Since then, the continuous closed eye thing pretty is much done. It wouldn't really bother me so much at this point, if she did it in smaller doses. 
Friday night I shut the lights off and she asked me why I did that. She wanted to keep them on. We usually have them dimmed down, or use candles. I just told her I felt like keeping them off for a change. So, that night I felt that if she needed to fantasize to get in the mood, that was fine. I just didn't want to see it. That's just my own hangup I have to deal with.
I also learned from reading all the posts here that my wife is an acts of service kind of person. Looking back, I realize that she has never really been a big huggy kissy kind of person. I don't think her family is like that at all. 
I have felt, for years, as though she didn't really love me all that much, because she didn't show me much physical affection, which is more of what I need, than her. I didn't realize that she was showing me her love by her actions. Which were plenty, and I just took them all for granted. By the same token, I have always commented on her looks, and how I felt about her, and would show her affection, but it seemed as if that didn't resonate with her. Today, I mentioned her love language to her and also mentioned mine. She agreed that she is more of an acts of service type. I'm not really, so I think she has been feeling the same sort of neglect as I have been feeling. She just doesn't communicate her feelings well. I'll see how it goes.
We really are very good together and I think we complement each others skill sets, very well. Our weekends are typically spent doing things together and we always look forward to them.

One other issue we are facing more often now is her low sex drive. About twelve years ago, she had a hysterectomy. She still has her ovaries and is now going through menopause. I find her very sexy, and after spending the entire weekend with her, my desire to be intimate with her is all I can think of. Saturday I wanted to be, and Sunday, even more so. All I hear from her then is, that all I think of is sex. It might be true, but doesn't she realize that you can't just shut it off. Still, we do have sex every week, usually, and she does initiate around half the time. Sometimes, it's really good, and sometimes not so good. I will give her credit for having sex when she's not really in the mood, but, I think those times are not that great. If I knew in advance, the state of her mind, I would turn her down on those days. 
She really is an incredible woman and I don't think that I would ever find someone better than she is for me. We all have flaws, and I can live with hers. The question becomes, am I better off with her, flaws and all, or better off without her. I choose her and she still, apparently, chooses me. Now, I just have to keep on working to keep her from changing her mind.


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## Cynthia

You have good insights and it is obvious that you are working to make your marriage good for both of you.



Earl 2 said:


> Sometimes, it's really good, and sometimes not so good. I will give her credit for having sex when she's not really in the mood, but, I think those times are not that great. If I knew in advance, the state of her mind, I would turn her down on those days.


I would not recommend this. If she is not really in the mood, but she approaches you anyway, she is showing her to love you through her love language. Do not rebuff her loving behavior towards you. Enjoy her desire to bless you. It will make her happy and draw you closer, even if it's not the best physically. Also, those hormones and the physical contact are healthy for your relationship when she is freely offering her love to you.


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## SimplyAmorous

> *Earl 2 said: **I also learned from reading all the posts here that my wife is an acts of service kind of person. Looking back, I realize that she has never really been a big huggy kissy kind of person*. I don't think her family is like that at all.
> 
> *I have felt, for years, as though she didn't really love me all that much, because she didn't show me much physical affection, which is more of what I need, than her. I didn't realize that she was showing me her love by her actions. Which were plenty, and I just took them all for granted. By the same token, I have always commented on her looks, and how I felt about her, and would show her affection, but it seemed as if that didn't resonate with her. *Today, I mentioned her love language to her and also mentioned mine. *She agreed that she is more of an acts of service type. I'm not really, so I think she has been feeling the same sort of neglect as I have been feeling.* She just doesn't communicate her feelings well. I'll see how it goes.
> We really are very good together and I think we complement each others skill sets, very well. Our weekends are typically spent doing things together and we always look forward to them.


 What you have said here.. SO VERY TYPICAL....

It's definitely a little more "WORK" in a marriage when our love languages are off like that...as we can't really grasp why the other feels the way they do.. because we just don't... ..... it brings so much more JOY to do the things we naturally want to do & express.. ..so yeah.. more effort is needed here.. for you both...

Now that you "get it" ... you love her, want to revive what you have.... she seems to love you , still initiating you.. she's been honest (that's important !!).. so much worse if a wife refuses to talk or says "nothing is wrong" trying to stuff her feelings.... ..

I think you have lots to work with here!! 

As you continue DOING for her, the daily acts of service.. this will become more of a habit, it should UP her spirits towards you.. soon only 1 kid in college..I bet her eyes will be opening again..... 

I remember reading this question being asked on a thread yrs ago here.... going by the replies... it sounded like a good many do close their eyes..and it doesn't mean anything is even wrong. In your case, it was something new.. and it's good you & she started to really dig & talk about the issues.. 

And on her end.. hopefully she is coming to understand YOU.. and what makes YOU feel loved/ wanted..... more touchy / feely, the words of affirmation.... she could work on that.. 

The Book *>>*  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts 

The Test







 Love Languages Personal Profile 









You both could fill out one of these too...








 Emotional Needs Questionnaire


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## person123

Hm, here's my 2 cents. I'm biased because of my personal experience, but is it possible she's closing her eyes because you've become unattractive (gained weight)?


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## Divinely Favored

YummyPB said:


> I fantasize about someone else most of the time. I don't care if he does either. I'm not sure what the big hang-up is if everybody is happy when it's over.


So mentally you are having sex with another man and you have made your hubby nothing more than a live dildo. Christ said lusting after someone else is adultry, that is a big freaking hang up!


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## Apexmale

Your feelings are "hurt" because your wife isn't making eye contact and you "feel" she might be fantasizing about someone else?? Hey man, you're atleast having sex with your wife. Have you not browsed around TAM enough to see how much sex is NOT happening?? 

Some couples here are currently praying for what you are taking for granted.

Sent from my Dodge Ram SRT10


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## lifeistooshort

If my hb b!tched at me for closing my eyes during sex I'd find that a little controlling and a turn off.

And what if she is fantasizing? 

You've never watched porn and thought about it during sex?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602

I think your feelings are normal and anyone would have them. We all like to think we are secure but experiencing a change that impacts your emotions is unsettling. This is a change from something you enjoyed so you naturally ask questions. 

You may have approached it in a way that created more problems. But some good things are happening, right. It will take more time and work to recover. 

It is possible that she is not fantasizing but concentrating. If things have been tense in the relationship, she may focus better by closing her eyes and shutting out worries. 

If this were the case, would you be as upset? She is backed into a corner now because of the conflict and she is unlikely to give in by doing what you want at the present time. 

I think @SimplyAmorous is spot on, try to improve things outside of the bedroom. Don't approach this closed eyes thing directly right now because I don't think you will get anywhere. 

She did ask you to change some things and you did, but do only your fair share and don't overdo. Is there anything that has been bothering you about the relationship that you have not expressed? Not the closed eyes.


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## alexm

My wife has her eyes close 99% of the time. Meh.

It used to _sort of_ bother me a while ago, and I mentioned it to her, semi-jokingly once. She also prefers doggy style over any other position and will just turn around most of the time.

Is she thinking of someone/something else? I don't know. I don't think so. Maybe it's just so she doesn't have to see the weird faces I make during sex.

I just think she's not a highly emotional person during sex, and that she doesn't require that connection you get when your eyes lock. Neither am I, TBH. My eyes are usually elsewhere.

But for the (long gone) OP (15 month old thread...) his wife used to make eye contact, and all of a sudden, she doesn't, and he noticed. I wouldn't suspect she's thinking of Raoul, the local swimming pool lifeguard, but more that she's not as connected to her husband as she was before.


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## TX-SC

I'm not sure how I would feel about that. My wife closes her eyes when she is getting close to O, but I don't think she is fantasizing, she's concentrating.


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## SouthernViking

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> If I thought my wife was fantasizing in bed, I'd ask her what the fantasy was so I could play along. I'm happy to be the dashing pirate captain, or crown prince of Croatobaltislavonia, a savage viking warrior, or pretty much anything else -- except many not the guy from Twilight, I do have my limits.


Whoa, Whoa now....easy with the Viking role play


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## arbitrator

jolyajones said:


> I would think this insulting to most women! i dont like those people who insults the woman's


*Then I'd bet that you wouldn't like Donald Trump!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman

Wow. I never realized so many people kept their eyes open. Are you gazing into each other's eyes? I find that very awkward. I don't keep them clenched shut but I don't maintain eye contact at all. 

Well, that's your norm and when she varied from your norm you asked and you have addressed the other issues.

Her body is changing and what she likes may also change. I know mine has. What worked at 20 doesn't work now. I'm not sure why except child birth and perimenopause do make things work differently and feel differently.

It could be she's just having to concentrate on the feeling in certain areas and focus to achieve orgasm vs. it being easy before. I wouldn't assume it's fantasizing and even if it were, she isn't wishing you were that guy/girl - it's just a fantasy.


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## alte Dame

This may be TMI from an older woman who has been there and done that, but if she is dry from menopause, she may well just be trying to concentrate and fantasize a bit to generate some lubrication.


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## Talker67

fantasizing is a normal thing to do. in fact, for older people it is very beneficial to keeping the libido up. I would advise to ENCOURAGE her fantasizing. Maybe add some role play to the bed room to really turn her on.


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## Vinnydee

My wife is bisexual and closes her eyes when she wants to focus on her orgasm. I know she is thinking about her longtime girlfriend who is no longer in our life after 44 years and it does not bother me at all. Most times I am fantasizing about the same girl since we both loved her. My attitude is that fantasies are just that and I have never once fantasized about my wife, only our girlfriend. My wife has told me that she only fantasizes about women. That does not bother me either because I am the one she is with and having very intense orgasms with. At our age we both need a little help in getting over the hump. Our bodies are not what they used to be but our memories are still fresh in our mind.

I think it is fairly common for people to fantasize in bed. The only problem for you is that you are aware of it. I think a lot of people are aware that their partners may be fantasizing but some will encourage it by saying stuff like imagine that guy you saw today in bed with you or imagine that I am Tom Cruise but taller. Not every time do we need to only think of each other. It is good enough that we are with each other physically and not just a fantasy in each other's head.

The problem you face is that even if she is more subtle about it, you still will know that she fantasizes during sex. If it bothers you that much perhaps a therapist can help you two sort it out. Fantasizing is health as far as I know but like anything else, if taken to excess can become a problem. For you it is a problem. Find a solution.


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## ThaMatrix

Earl 2 said:


> I have been married for 27 yrs. I always thought my wife and I had a pretty good relationship. The sex was fun, we do a lot of things together. We usually spend our free time together. Overall, I thought she was generally happy.
> During lovemaking we always had a lot of eye contact, even during the times she wasn't totally in the mood.
> Over the last 5 or 6 weeks, I have noticed a lack of eye contact. Even during a change of position, she will have her eyes locked shut. I have started watching for it and her eyes are closed almost the entire time now. I brought it up a couple of times and she just gets very defensive and angry.
> To me, it feels like I'm watching her make love to someone else. I feel totally disconnected from her. She doesn't admit it, but I seriously think she is fantasizing about someone else, and it is happening every time, now. I'm almost to the point I don't want sex with her anymore.
> We have been under a lot of financial stress paying for two kids in college and her job is very stressful, lately. She also blames me totally for our financial problems. I work in the building trades and was out of work for 2 years when this recession hit back in 2008. I had never been out of work the entire time we have been married until then, and she was a stay at home mom, working 2 days a week so she could spend more time with our 3 children. She went back fulltime when I was layed off. She told me she blamed me after the first time I asked her what is going on with her eyes closed. She also said she was thinking about a separation, and that she has never been so unhappy. I don't understand how we can spend time together laughing and having fun with numerous activities and then she tells me she has been thinking of a separation. I feel like I just got hit by a truck. Since our argument, we seemingly get along again. We spend our free together and I feel close to her, but I felt that way before, too.
> I honestly don't think she has had an affair, but I do think there might be someone she knows that she is fantasizing about. After valentines day I will bring it up again if I notice her in her little dream world while having sex with me. Also, while we do get along well, and seem to enjoy each others company, I have been feeling like we are just roommates, not lovers. There has been very little, if any, physical contact outside of the bedroom the last couple years. I can understand this if she is so unhappy.
> I guess I feel as if she has just fallen out of love with me but can't go through with leaving me just yet. I don't really know what to think. I am fairly confident there is no one else, at least so far. Who knows, maybe she isn't fantasizing? But, it sure feels like it.
> I should also mention that she said part of the problem was that I don't do enough to help out at home with cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I have stepped up my game in that area and I don't believe she would leave me now. The big thing is paying for tuition and that will be easier in 3 months when only one is still in school.
> Maybe her frustration with my lack of helping has caused her loss of feeling close to me and the lack of non-sexual intimacy.


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## *Deidre*

There's nothing wrong with fantasizing. I fantasize, but I imagine my husband sleeping with other women, other than me, when we have sex. Not all the time, but I like this fantasy. He knows I think this, and laughs, but we are open about things like this. Maybe you should just approach her in a casual way. If you approach her with an offended attitude, she might not want to share. There's nothing wrong with fantasizing though. (as long as it's not about an affair partners, obviously, etc)


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## Talker67

in these cases where you share your fantasy, and the spouse likes it, it is an open invitation to you suggesting they take the fantasy one step further. Woman fantasizing about other men...ask if she wants to try a threesome. Woman fantasizing about another woman when you are getting laid, give her a hall pass to find a new GF. Just because we are getting old does NOT mean we are dead! There are a TON of sexual things still to try...but we DO get embarrassed to ask for them. A spouse needs to be more encouraging!


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## cma62

ThaMatrix said:


> If I knew my wife was having a fantasy about another man while we were having sex I would see if I could play along and make the fantasy better. Wanna call me by a different name? Lets do it. Ill be whatever it takes to get her off. That includes dish washer and house keeper as well as sole bread winner.


 Lol....I love this response....a man willing to join in on a fantasy and turn into a domestic god to enjoy sex with his wife :smile2:


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## JayDee7

Ask her while you're doing it, ask her what's her fantasy. Then let her say it and share it. In a steady and strong voice ask, " what are you fantasizing about? Tell me baby, nothing will surprise me."
Then do not judge. Remember all the crazy depraved fantasies you have that would be embarrassing if anyone knew what you fantasize about so don't give any negative reaction to her even if it is really shocking.

If you just want for her stop fantasizing then just ask her to look you in the eyes while you are doing it which would be weird.


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## DayOne

OP last posted in 2015...


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## Yeswecan

Perhaps, you too should learn to govern your emotions, Doctor. (Mr. Spock). LOL


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## Fusebox34

I have been married for 20 years together for 22 years. I love my wife dearly and I love her more tomorrow than I do today. We have always had a great life, marriage, and sex life. Before we met she was engaged to someone that she was with for 10 years. She left him as it didn't work out. 4 years later we met and got married. 2 kids and 22 years later; last June she found out through Facebook her Ex's sister past away. She was very distraught about the situation, and was contemplating going to the wake. I couldn't understand why she was so distraught as it has been almost 30 years. Don't get me wrong it's sad but to be as distraught as she was 30 years later I didn't pick up on it. A week or so later I came home from working nights and she was drunk. She asked me why I didn't answer her 4 phone calls as she needed me. Since I had no missed calls I looked in her recent calls on her phone an found a guy's number. When I asked her who it was she put her hands on her face and said OMG 4 times. That's when my life crashed. I went to bed not pushing the issue. That afternoon I woke up with her laying down next to me explaining it's her Ex and she just called him to say how sorry she was for his loss. Since her initial reaction of OMG yield a different answer I dug deep to later get an answer they've been talking for 2 weeks. It turns out she was in deep. Sexual thoughts, she kept explaining he was her fist love etc. When I asked her to shut it down she did. She said out of respect for our marriage she would not continue, however part of her still wanted to be friends with him. 
I'm not an insecure person. I'm very confident in my self and what I've accomplished in life. I allowed her to be friends with him if that's all it would be. However it quickly turned sexual. I gave her the option for us to break up. She quickly shut it down and claimed it was a silly girl mistake, she never meant to hurt me, she loves me, they never met etc. She wants me and doesn't want to break up however I feel she's just not there. I have always been the more romantic type as where she is more the reserved type, but after 22 years I just don't feel here trying. When I try communicating she blows it off. I'm learning an emotional affair is more hurtful than a sexual one. Divorce is a hard thing to initiate and go through. I'm trying to salvage our love, but I feel I'm the only one trying. Any advice?


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## Lostinthought61

Fuse you will get more replies by taking what you wrote and place in the infidelity thread....this thread is old and you don't want to hijack someone else thread...i promise you, you will get a lot of advice.


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## SunCMars

Fusebox34 said:


> I have been married for 20 years together for 22 years. I love my wife dearly and I love her more tomorrow than I do today. We have always had a great life, marriage, and sex life. Before we met she was engaged to someone that she was with for 10 years. She left him as it didn't work out. 4 years later we met and got married. 2 kids and 22 years later; last June she found out through Facebook her Ex's sister past away. She was very distraught about the situation, and was contemplating going to the wake. I couldn't understand why she was so distraught as it has been almost 30 years. Don't get me wrong it's sad but to be as distraught as she was 30 years later I didn't pick up on it. A week or so later I came home from working nights and she was drunk. She asked me why I didn't answer her 4 phone calls as she needed me. Since I had no missed calls I looked in her recent calls on her phone an found a guy's number. When I asked her who it was she put her hands on her face and said OMG 4 times. That's when my life crashed. I went to bed not pushing the issue. That afternoon I woke up with her laying down next to me explaining it's her Ex and she just called him to say how sorry she was for his loss. Since her initial reaction of OMG yield a different answer I dug deep to later get an answer they've been talking for 2 weeks. It turns out she was in deep. Sexual thoughts, she kept explaining he was her fist love etc. When I asked her to shut it down she did. She said out of respect for our marriage she would not continue, however part of her still wanted to be friends with him.
> I'm not an insecure person. I'm very confident in my self and what I've accomplished in life. I allowed her to be friends with him if that's all it would be. However it quickly turned sexual. I gave her the option for us to break up. She quickly shut it down and claimed it was a silly girl mistake, she never meant to hurt me, she loves me, they never met etc. She wants me and doesn't want to break up however I feel she's just not there. I have always been the more romantic type as where she is more the reserved type, but after 22 years I just don't feel here trying. When I try communicating she blows it off. I'm learning an emotional affair is more hurtful than a sexual one. Divorce is a hard thing to initiate and go through. I'm trying to salvage our love, but I feel I'm the only one trying. Any advice?


Yes, copy and paste what you just typed here and start your own thread in 'Dealing with Infidelity'.


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