# He says being romantic is not in his nature.



## Emerson (Oct 6, 2008)

I have communicated several times to my husband that I would like him to be more romantic. For example, to do thoughtful things as if we were dating and he were still trying to "woo'' me. He told me "being romantic is just not in my nature". 

He is the kind of person that researches EVERYTHING on the internet. We'll watch a reality TV show and he will look up the biographies of the people on it; we'll go somewhere on vacation and he will be on message boards related to the destination for weeks afterward; he checks message boards related to his job (agriculture) and hobby (aviation) up to 10 times a day. But, if I look back at the internet history, he has not once ever researched anything relationship related since I've spoke with him about this. 

If it were me, I would have the attitude that I would want to make him happy and if being romantic wasn't in my nature, I would look for ideas elsewhere and give it a shot.

His lack of action/concern/interest makes me think he could care less. Part of the problem is because he thinks everything is fine with us.

Please see my previous post under "coping with infidelity" for more insight.

I'd like to hear your thoughts. How do I motivate him to put some effort into this?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are right, It seems he just doesn't want to put the effort forward. Being romantic isn't hard or costly, he is just complacent with the marriage now that "he has you".

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Here is a link to her other post.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...g-between-husband-love-my-life.html#post20343

draconis


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## Ladyinblue (Sep 18, 2008)

My going theory about this is that much of human unhappiness comes from comparison. When you are interested and that feeling is not reciprocated, it can be a struggle not to let this impact on your self-worth. Rejection like this tends to kick you down the ladder in comparison to all of the other monkeys, and that is upsetting. Whereas before the uncertainty let you feel like you at least had hope for romance in your relationship, rejection collapses that waveform into the certainty that it's just one ... more ... person who doesn't think you're good enough.You just assume something must be wrong with you,when in fact it may have nothing to do with you.
Still you have to keep in mind that anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings. It's impossible to Love without giving away some power.When we choose to Love someone (or thing - a pet, a car, anything)we are also giving them the power to make us happy - we cannot do that without also giving them the power to hurt us or cause us to feel angry or stressed.But in order to live we need to be interdependent and the way to healthy interdependence is to be able to see things clearly - to see people, situations, life dynamics and most of all ourselves clearly.If we are not working on healing our childhood wounds and changing our childhood programming then we cannot begin to see ourselves clearly let alone anything else in life.I think you would both benefit from seeing a marriage counselor and go from there, especially if you feel this has been an ongoing problem within your marriage for you and you have been unable to communicate how its affecting you successfully.Look at this as a BIG RED FLAG that is telling you something is off. 

_*"Romance is based on shared sight and is shaped by happiness. Immature love is based on shared blindness, and is merely a fortress against pain"*_ 


Ps. This is a really great article:
About Romantic Love

LadyINBLUE


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Emerson said:


> But, if I look back at the internet history, he has not once ever researched anything relationship related since I've spoke with him about this.


Totally know how you feel.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Are some men better at romance than others? Yes. Can he be better at it? Yes. If he won’t take the initiative then take it your self. Plan your evening better yet weekend of romance and include things that interest him. Let him know how much you are enjoying your time together in this setting. Make it special for you both and see if he takes the hint. Like in all other things sometimes it is best to learn by example. Good luck.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Wow, I just got on here to post a message, very similar to this one, and read this. Really hits home. My hubby is kind of trying to be romantic, I guess, but he's not doing it the way I want it. Yeah, the flowers are nice, but what I really want is one on one time with him, and quality time at that. 

Oh and I SO hear you about the internet research!! He spends HOURS every day shopping for softball bats. Now it's hunting season and that has all of his attention - I really don't know how he's handling having two obsessions, softball bats and hunting. Anyway, I'm sure you know I dont' fit anywhere in that mix. I tell him that if he doesn't know something, then he should check a relationship forum. Of course he has no interest in that. I'll give him this... he has looked on here once or twice, just to get a feel for it. But he wants nothing to do with it for two reasons 
1. the stories on here are all one sided and you never hear what the other person in the relationship has to say, so how can the advice be solid?
2. how many other people do you know that go out and look up relationship advice or join relationship forums. 

Pathetic reasons, I know. Well, I'm going to go to my post now.


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## kprtyqn (Oct 9, 2008)

Yes we wish every man could be the "knight in shinning armor and sweep us off our feet til end of days", i so have that dream and have had it most of my life! Men's version of being romantic is more like a time clock, you got 5 minutes and then the thrill is over. How we wish those moments could be more frequent and last day after day.
Ive tried the "asking, telling, argueing," you name it. When their words to you are simply put "honeymoon phase is over" thats why women become depressed and find out the thrill starts all over again with a new person if your man isnt willing to keep trying and being your knight.
Me, if im asking, that means youre my knight and want to share all the joys of love and life with you yet you would deny me it due to the lack of thrill in time? Ill never understand


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

bhappy3 said:


> I'll give him this... he has looked on here once or twice, just to get a feel for it. But he wants nothing to do with it


I showed mine this, too. He called it "crap."


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