# Trying To Salvage our Marriage



## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

I never thought that I would be writing this. Last year my life took a bad turn with my health. After 7 months I had lost 70 lbs, had botched prostate surgery, had a major concussion and lost my job. Thankfully it was discovered that my thyroid was the problem. I am still recovering. However, before all this happened I was losing my marriage. I can't put my finger on it, but the affection and attraction was gone. It had come to the point that I prayed that I would not be physically attracted to my wife anymore... She no longer wanted anything to do with me and couldn't stand being around me. That is when my health went South. Our 23rd anniversary is this next week and because of my unemployment, we are barely making it with our 3 kids. Our church has no idea.... I want to make some sort of attempt to salvage our marriage. My wife has agreed to go away for the weekend. There are no "retreats" going on around and no counselors near enough to us. I would like to find a DIY retreat plan..I need some ideas.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Put effort into getting a good job.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Going to need a whole lot more information. What are ages of you, wife, and kids? Provide details regarding your statement that your wife doesn't want anything to do with you and can't stand being around you. Why would she feel this way? When did she start feeling this way? Have you discussed it with her? What were some of the statements/answers? How far away do you think you are from securing employment? How long before you "recover" completely?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MarriedMyMother said:


> I would like to find a DIY retreat plan..I need some ideas.


How about a garage sale? 

You get rid of junk you don't need and make money doing it! 

I almost say this as a joke, but I am serious. After being married for a few decades, my wife and I had accumulated some junk. The kids had a playground in the backyard that was rated for three years but after ten years it was starting to crumble. We had hand-me-down furniture still around the house from when we were in college. We did not want to do a garage sale and instead opted for a 20-yard dumpster. OMG, we filled it up and could have kept going. The feeling of having a clutter free house and yard afterwards was life changing! Highly recommended! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Sounds like you've let your wife down and aren't the man she had married. The best thing to do is get your life in order. If you have a problem with your health or employment, then fix those things and be the man that she looks up to. No marriage counselor or retreat can fix this, but you can by taking decisive action and making changes in your life.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Bananapeel said:


> Sounds like you've let your wife down and aren't the man she had married. The best thing to do is get your life in order. If you have a problem with your health or employment, then fix those things and be the man that she looks up to. No marriage counselor or retreat can fix this, but you can by taking decisive action and making changes in your life.


 Exactly. This is not a problem a grand gesture or a weekend away is going to fix. She is completely exhausted and drained from the constant day-to-day stress. You need to make a plan and execute it to fix that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Wow. Compassion and encouragement to you.

Tell your church family what's going on. 

More to come, as more details are known...

Peace to you.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Bananapeel said:


> Sounds like you've let your wife down and aren't the man she had married. The best thing to do is get your life in order. If you have a problem with your health or employment, then fix those things and be the man that she looks up to. No marriage counselor or retreat can fix this, but you can by taking decisive action and making changes in your life.





personofinterest said:


> Exactly. This is not a problem a grand gesture or a weekend away is going to fix. She is completely exhausted and drained from the constant day-to-day stress. You need to make a plan and execute it to fix that.


OP says his marriage was already suffering before his health issues. He gave no indication of what his wife said her issues were. These posts are kind of blaming the messenger.

I do agree that a grand gesture of a weekend away will _*not*_ fix his problems.

OP, do you feel like you married your mother as per your screen name? Being a woman, I'm sure your wife has verbally expressed why she is unhappy over the years. What are her reasons?

Then add to that your illness, the financial stresses, etc. and no working on the marriage. It was bound to keep going south as long a her original issues weren't addressed.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Araucaria said:


> OP says his marriage was already suffering before his health issues. He gave no indication of what his wife said her issues were. These posts are kind of blaming the messenger.
> 
> I do agree that a grand gesture of weekend away will fix his problems.
> 
> ...


Excellent questions. On the periphery it sounds like issues on both sides?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

There is one set of issues over which you have any control. Those are your own. That is where I would start


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

I just realized that I haven't revisited this site until now. Well, my brain recovery has been slow. This was my 3rd concussion and there are some permanent memory issues. However, I just had shoulder surgery for a torn rotator cuff and am recovering once again. I am putting a major effort into establishing a small business. I have 3 contracts with local merchants as their IT guy. I have been putting together an automotive garage that was supposed to be opened last month. Due to my injury, I can't pursue that for another 5 months according to my surgeon... Anyways, I have started another thread with a more pressing, but related issue. BTW, the weekend never happened.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry for your terrible situation..

Did you get your concussions from falling after getting dizzy or blacking out?

Being an IT guy makes you employable. Your' getting three contracts with local companies is a good start.
If you are going to faint and fall, this puts you at increased risk. Is this still an ongoing problem?

Opening an auto garage requires long hours, and if you are going to do some of the work, it can be heavy work, with a lot of crouching, standing and bending over.

I do applaud your efforts.
...............................................................................................................................................................

On your marriage, the prostate surgery likely damaged your sexual functioning. It may heal, it may not. 
There are other options available to help you in this regard. Look into them. Some require surgery.

Like most healthy people, your' wife needs some sexual interaction.
As mentioned, there are other options.

What have you done to get yourself in shape?
Going to the gym and doing long walks is a good start.

The most important thing anyone can do to make themselves desirable is to have a good attitude and to be pleasant around everyone.



[THM]- THRD


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## MarriedMyMother (Sep 20, 2014)

I stumbled while playing racquetball with our son. Head first into the wall.. was out for 6 minutes and had amnesia for 3 days... It is not ongoing. I was raised in my father's auto shop and am very good with cars.. so, even though I swore as a child never to go there, I now respect the work. 2 weeks after the surgery I contracted Peyronies Disease. The doc says it's the worst case he has ever seen... The options they gave me are not good ones... Though I may elect for surgery... I do need to take care of my appearance, my wife has made this a point... With all the things that have happened, I am now finally feeling able to renew my self in that


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

never mind you answered it in your other post. disregard.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

If it's a bad case, the surgical options are probably the only viable ones. 

You have indeed had a lot of unfortunate circumstances. I hope and pray your life takes some better turns in the upcoming months and days. I think you're making right choices by going to a business that you know well. You're fortunate in that you have two such businesses, both of which can be financially satisfying.

It may be some "reading between the lines" on my part, but I take it that "married my mother" probably indicates that you disrespected your father's work because your mother disrespected your father. She was a likely source for your own feelings carried into adulthood. Swearing as a child to "never go there" suggests that you were strongly influenced.

Your wife is certainly stressed by these things, too. I hope she can find some peace and put her trust in God to continue His supply for her and your family.

You are not to blame for the things which happened to you. They are "life".... we all have these kinds of losses and when God brings us through to the "other side" of them, that self-renewal occurs by His provision. Our faith is strengthened, and consequently, marriages get better.

Like @SunCMars, I also applaud your efforts. As @personofinterest rightly said, the only issues over which you have any control are yours. And, you are doing the right things. Your wife will have to go to her Lord and fix her own issues if her marriage is to be successful.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sheesh!

Post shows up twenty minutes later!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

duplicate post


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

triplicate post...

first posts did not show up!!


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I think it would help to stick to one thread.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yikes. Clicked too quickly! Too get a more holistic view and more helpful responses, one thread would allow people to help you with all the context at hand.


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