# Husband of 19 years walked out



## incrtalent (Oct 4, 2012)

Two weeks ago, (a week before my 52nd birthday), my husband left. I had sent him on a 5-day bike trip for his birthday (44th)and I got angry when he didn't call home. I said some things I shouldn't, but the truth is, I've been unhappy with him for a very long time. 

He has always been a little OCD, moving from expensive hobby to expensive hobby, while I cheap-shopped, took care of everyone's needs, and sacrificed the things I wanted so everyone could have their needs/wants met. Everything he does, he does way over the top, and for the past three years, it's been biking/triathaloning, etc. I've felt like a single parent for years--he does whatever he wants, and I try to keep everything else together. To me, his irresponsibility and lack of regard for putting other people's needs ahead of his own has been hard to deal with. 

In the past two years, we've been struggling with excessive debt, and I've been fighting to save our home from foreclosure, which now looks like its going to happen. I had finally lined up investors who were going to buy it, rent it back to us for 3 years, and then let us re-buy it at market value, and that was scheduled to close Oct. 1st. We have also been trying for years for my husband to be able to buy out his boss and take over the company he has been working at for all these years. That's scheduled to happen this week, and I will not be a part of it. Everything we've worked for is now falling apart.

He has never seemed very tuned in to the needs of his family or his kids, but suddenly, he is Mr. Compassionate to the rest of the world. I always attributed his habits, compulsions and lack of warmth to the fact that his own father left when he was young and they had a very rough time financially. But the one thing I did believe was that, despite the way he often behaved, he loved me and our kids as best he could. Now, that no longer appears to be true. He told me he isnt in love with me anymore, doesn't know if he wants to work on our marriage, etc., etc. I'm stunned, heartbroken, and furious. I could have left years ago, but I stayed because I DID love him, even though I often didn't feel "in love," and I love our family. He texts my son almost every day, but has not even attempted to talk to me. It's like I dont even exist to him any more. I don't understand, and I don't know how to deal with it.

I am unemployed, and I am having to pack up the house we built together all by myself, because we are going to lose our home. My son and I will probably have to move to an apartment out of his school district. He has lived here all his life. I am probably going to have to file bankruptcy as well. And he is just doing his thing, like we aren't over here dying a little more each day. I tried to reconcile with him, offered to get marriage counseling, but so far, no move on his part, so I am just moving forward with packing and preparing for come what may. 

He has not yet asked me for a divorce. He says we will wait until the end of October and see what happens. But this "time apart" isn't helping. I'm growing angrier and more disillusioned, more heartbroken with each passing day. I miss him and wonder how he can't miss me, but I also hate him for what he's done to us and feel like I will never trust him again. It's horrible, and I really don't know what I'm doing. He's asked to come to my son's birthday party this coming Saturday, which I think would be awkward because of the status of things. Somebody give me something, please?


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like he has disengaged from the family. Very selfish (and I am so sorry you have to go through this)
This makes me wonder if he hasn't found someone else. You don't mention it, and it is thrown out alot on this board, but it would make sense.
Ask your son if he wants his dad at the party and let his choice stand-it is his birthday and this has got to be really hard on him.
I understand that money is pretty non-existent for you, but is there anyway you can speak with a lawyer. Putting together a divorce and bankruptcy is pretty tricky and you don't want to get the shortend of that stick.


----------



## incrtalent (Oct 4, 2012)

Luckily, I have a good friend of 30 years who is probably the best divorce lawyer in town. I'm having lunch with him today. As to the affair thing, he claims the moral high ground here and that he would never do anything like that - that another person has nothing to do with it, but like you, I have to wonder. I know Johnny wants to be with his dad for his birthday, but I think its probably best that we do separate celebrations. I cannot see him right now without having an intense emotional reaction, and my girls, (who are also very angry with their father) will be here. I'm afraid if he comes it will spoil whatever good time we might have, and I don't want to do that. He's been traumatized enough already!


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you are in this situation. I've been in a similar mess for the past six years. Your husband is probably going through a mid-life crisis. If so, don't expect too much in the way of rational behavior. Also, there's a good chance he is seeing a younger woman.

How can he possibly buy his boss's business in your current financial disarray? Even if he can buy it, it's a disaster waiting to happen. He can't control his spending even on a personal level.


----------



## incrtalent (Oct 4, 2012)

He is financing the business directly through the owner - the owner is stepping down but will continue to receive monthly payments for the next 15 years. I'm worried, too. He's never been personally financially responsible, but luckily, the guy who is going in with him on this deal is. Hopefully, that will help balance things out - although it doesn't look like its going to matter to me one way or the other.

As to the younger woman thing, who knows? I'm super fit, (a ballroom dance instructor), and weigh the same I did when we got married, 3 children later. He's the one who got fat - topping 260. When he turned 40, he suddenly decided to do a turnaround. He quit smoking, started working out, and now weighs 195, (he's 6'6"). He looks like a crack addict. The only thing he wanted when he left was the bathroom scale so he could weigh himself daily. He is doing his first iron man in November, and seems to be consumed with himself and his new lifestyle. He wanted me to do it with him, quit smoking, bike, etc., etc., but although I've been to a few functions, I cannot be all about it all the time. First, I am not competitive like he is, don't enjoy running/biking maniacally, and have other things to do - like take care of my home and family. And I believe quitting smoking is a personal choice. I've been super considerate about it - don't smoke in the bedroom or around him, but I guess he figures since I didn't "fall in line" with his new lifestyle, we are now "too different" and I don't fit in with his new plans. It's obsessive, bizarre, and sooooo hurtful. Hard to think that he left me for a SPORT.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

He is not leaving you for a sport.
He's left but not because of the sport. That's just an excuse. I cannot believe how selfish he sounds. He is dumping the real world on your shoulders why he goes out to play. I understand how hard this is for you, but don't you deserve to have someone in your life that wants to be your "dance" partner? (ballroom instructor-how cool is that).


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If you don't have him to your son's party it may hit him that he is giving up his family. I would explain to your son that you are still a bit too upset to have dad at his party, and that his dad can see him the next day. He's been living the 'married singles' life for awhile now. No good comes from that. Ignore him as much as possible and let him experience the 'single' life. If he does have an eye on someone else then that will come out soon enough. He takes his family and you for granted. He probably thinks that his marriage is the source of his restlessness. Let him find out that you are keeping busy and pretend to be enjoying your life when you talk to him. Being tearful and angry when you talk to him is the wrong approach if you want to reconcile. 
He doesn't miss you because in his mixed up head he blames you for his unhappiness. He's in a fog right now. He's lost sight of your fine qualities. It's a cold world out there, let him find that out.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your husband is behaving much the same as mine did. We were very well off, but my estranged husband blew all of that wealth on his "single" life. Not only did we lose our family, but we also lost our business and most assets (including acreage and a very nice house). My health was also destroyed. I really hate to see you or anyone else get caught in that horrible whirlpool.

The others who have suggested that you not invite your husband to the party are probably right. He shouldn't be allowed to "cake eat". Go dark on him; cease any contact with him and treat him as if he doesn't exist. Let him experience what life will be like without his family. However, if he is involved with another woman, it's going to be even tougher for him to see that.

That business acquisition could be important to you and the children. You will probably be in alimony territory! Everything matters.


----------



## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Definitely sounds like a mid life crisis to me. At 44 he is scared of growing old which is why he is suddenly working out so much and paying attention to his health. So much so he sounds a bit narcissistic. Or it could be he is bettering himself in hopes of aquiring a love interest. Any hints to that you have picked up on? Or have you two just had some really tough times and through all the day to day routines and challenges grown apart?

Like a lot of long term relationships it sounds like the passion between you two has faded to a degree. I assume from all the financial stress and raising children you two have had your fair share of arguments or fights? It sounds like you two have been at odds over household responsibilites as well? Be careful what you say in a argument. The wrong words just one time will stay in his head forever. Even if you get back together it will be held against you forever. Nothing ends a relationship quicker then saying the wrong thing in the heated moment of a passionate argument.

It sounds like maybe he feels he's unhappy. This kind of problem usually lies within ones self not their partner. The fact is if you can't make yourself happy no other person can do it for you. The "moving from expensive hobby to expensive hobby" kind of fits the model for him being unhappy. He is trying to find something that makes him happy and when it doesn't he grows bored and moves on to something else.

You have the high ground here. You were faithful and tried everything in your power to keep the family together. My advice is don't try and be mean to him, but don't try and be overly sweet either. Neither will benefit the situation IMO. He's going to do what he wants to do regardless. If you're mean it will drive him away further. If your overly sweet trying to win him back he will think you're being pathetic and be turned off. The fact he can so easily ignore your financial problems makes me wonder if it is really worth any effort on your part. 

I would just put yourself and the kids above everything else. You need to focus on you and your future. Try to find things to do to get your mind off of everything. If you really want him back the best thing is to try and just speak to him. Don't get emotional and don't beg. Don't let your emotions or fear of change affect you. Sit him down and tell him how you feel and that you would like to get help. Be short and sweet. Don't allow yourself to get roped into any old arguments or fights. Ask what his intentions are. If he isn't willing to make a effort you know what you need to do. I tend to believe most people know in their heart what their problems are and know how to proceed, but when you are so tied to someone for so long the emotions can make you think, do and say stupid things.

Has he ever left before like this or is this the first time? He may just need some space, but I would think if he loves you he would call you because he missed you at some point.

Again I have no idea if you suspect him of seeing someone or not and I don't know the guy. Maybe he just needs some time apart. Though be careful. If he is trying to better himself to find or be with someone else he could be leaving the divorce and relationship open just as a fallback plan. If that's the case you are better off dumping him. That kind of thing shows you someones true character. 

You of all people should know whats going on in your gut even if you don't want to believe it. Trust your instinct and don't let him make you think you are crazy for how you feel. From how you describe his actions it sounds like he doesn't really deserve you if you ask me.


----------

