# Separated for a month and still in limbo land



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum at least posting wise. I've read a lot of different posts on this topic. They are either one way or the other. A brief history on my situation.

Long story short version i hope. Basically my wife made a decision to move out because I've been in a deep seeded depression for the two years that we have been married. I lost my mother to cancer about a year before we meet. When we first meet we were in the crazy love stage for sure. We moved in together 6 months later. We got engaged and married within 9 months of us living together. After our honey moon I was offered a new job in the same industry and it was a much higher paying job. Well I didn't know the amount of stress that it would put me under. Soon i was thinking about work all the time and became pretty depressed. Our home life suffered and our sex life really never got to the next level of intimacy. We pretty much stopped having sex for about 7 months. Way too long!! She was telling me that something had to change but I just didn't think that meant I'm leaving. We fought a little but not that much. We have been best friends the entire time we've known each other. Which has been 4 years now. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer last year and that was a scare and i knew my job wasn't going to last through the end of the year. I had surgery to remove and the cancer was removed with success. Two days after I returned from that i was let go from my high paying job. I was the only source of income. i went deeper into depression at that time when I couldn't find a job right away. 

After the years of neglect emotionally and physically she said she was moving out. She signed a year lease and moved out a month ago. Please don't get me wrong she is a great person and one of the most genuine loving people that I've ever known. I do know that I'm in the wrong here. I've expressed that to her in a mature way and not tried to beg her or bother her at all. We are still communicating through txt'ing mostly and have seen each other twice. the first time was very weird but the second time was casual and we had fun laughing and just shooting the bull. She hasn't told me at all what she wants. Just that she needs some time to figure out what she wants to do. There hasn't been a mention of divorce at this time just when we argued when she was leaving she said she did. After she left and the dust settled she hasn't mentioned it since. I've expressed how I'm very sorry for the way things have been for her over our marriage. I let her know that I love her and would like things to workout. I've also said that I hope in time that the positive changes that I'm making for myself will allow her to feel more comfortable with the thought of continuing the marriage. 

I know there are a lot of pieces left out at this time, but I hope I can fill them in for you all as we go through this. We don't have kids just two great dogs. She has come over a couple of times and spent time with the dogs while I was at work. She also still tells me she loves me and is still calling me baby in the txt and emails. 

I guess I'm just curious with how people would handle this situation. I have been giving her the space that she needs and it seems to be the best thing for the both of us at this time. It's very painful and there are times when i just break down. She has taken some more of her clothes and few chairs for her place. She has made a little home for herself and I'm happy that she isn't feeling the pressures of my depression. 

I actually found a job with my company before the last one the day after she moved out. I'm doing really well with it. Her moving out really snapped me out of the funk at least enough to make a difference and try and make myself better. It's really helped me get out of the depression and I've been seeing a therapist and reading about every book there is on depression. Feeling Good is probably the most insightful book that I've read about depression and how to handle all the negative self talk.

I'm being patient with her and allowing her to hopefully heal a little from the physical and emotional neglect. I know this is the one of the number one things that a women doesn't like to feel is rejection. She made comments that she can't be the one to make me happy at this time and I have to do that for myself. The really hard thing that I would love for to be able see all the positive changes that I've made. I've rekindled old friendships and have been exercising again as well.

Sorry for the long story but I kept writing and dumping things out. 

Please let me know if you need more info on certain topics to better understand our situation. Thanks for all the comments ahead of time. 

I'm very hopeful but I'm expecting the worse and hoping for the best at this time. Just don't want to set myself up for a prolonged hurt when she maybe has made her mind up already. Looking for any woman out there to give some advice on whether you would continue to say I love you and calling him baby if you were done with the marriage.

I am very open to all the advice from everyone on here. There is a lot of great advice on here and I appreciate it.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

I'm not sure I have much advice, but I can offer words of encouragement. You have done a wonderful job of pulling yourself together and working to improve things. My estranged husband moved out of our house a year ago. He had no desire then and has no desire now to work on our relationship. I guess we are technically in limbo since neither of us have filed for divorce. It is an awkward land to live in!

The only advice I can offer at this point is to read "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Once you learn your wife's love language, perhaps you can implement some of those techniques. Once she feels the love again, maybe she will give you a second chance. Gary Chapman has another book titled "Hope for the Separated" that I have found to be helpful. It has a heavy religious overtone, so I realize it may not be for everyone.

Good luck to you on your journey....


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hello sinatra, I want to say good job too! I now exactly what you are going through and feeling but I can assure you things will get better. I have been separated for three months now, my wife has said the same things yours has. Like you, last year I was depressed as well, being self-employed in the housing industry with no work. She started having an EA, became distant and our marriage suffered greatly. First two months I was a walking mess, but soon woke up, bettered myself and started moving on with my life. When you make changes in yourself, your wife WILL see them. She just won't tell you, frustrating I know. Here's the good part, she will come around, sooner or later it does happen. Just last weekend my told me she does still love me for the first time in six months! My advice to you, come here and vent when you are sad, angry, happy or confused, it does help. See a marriage counselor as often as you can afford to do so, you need to be accountable to someone for the changes you need to make. Give her space and time, it didn't happen overnight and it will take time to repair. Start going out, doing things you like, once she sees you are happy and moving on with your life it will drive her nuts! But in a good way, because then she will remember the person she fell in love with and want to be with you more. Only the will she start reaching out to you. Best of luck my friend.


----------



## gizmo (Apr 4, 2009)

Hi Sinatra,

I am in your wife's position now. We are planning on going to counseling and depending on what that does for our relationship will decide whether I move out or not. I do not want to jump into a divorce; if we can separate and I am fine living without him in my life then I will know it is over.
My husband has physically and emotionally neglected me as well, I do not think it was intentional, I really don’t even know how it happened (I’m hoping the counseling will bring that to the surface). I begged him for the last couple of years to please help me turn this around, before it’s too late and he didn’t (I’m not sure why he didn’t, I know he loves me and I am positive there is not another woman) I just cannot be in a relationship by myself, we have just become friends and I am falling out of love. But I do love him very much, and he is my best friend in the world, if we do split no doubt I will still want to be friends for the rest of our lives.
I’m not sure what the future holds for us I’m not very hopeful to be honest, once you fall out of love how do you fall back in it?? But maybe the counseling will hold that answer. I am feeling like I’ve not had that “thing” for him in a long time, it is very sad to me and I am lonely and I just feel like now it’s gone and maybe I don’t want it back, maybe it’s just time for me to move on, b/c I don’t want to live the rest of my life married to a roommate, I need more than that to be fulfilled.
I sounds like your wife still loves you and possibly absence makes the heart grow fonder and things will work out. This is really hard and I feel for you.
Gizmo


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts Gizmo. I do believe that you can fall back into love once you fall out of it. It does take work and also really just starting over. I think you are in a pretty good spot to possibly get back the marriage that you want. It might take a separation to do that. My advice for you is to not think of a separation as the end. Talk with him and explain your intentions. You're not looking for a divorce at this time, but things have to change for the positive and you need to be loved again like a wife. If he truly loves you he will see the error of his ways and hopefully make a true effort to change. I think once he knows that you are serious and could leave him for good he will wake up and make some changes. 

Take this time and chance as a blessing to get that person back that you feel in love with. He is the one that has to make the decision to change though, not you. 

I do hope that my wife will allow me back into her heart. I've been so neglectful and her roommate for a long time. I have woken up and would love to show her the new me. I know she isn't ready for that and may never be. I also want to have sex with her very badly now that I have gotten out of my depression. It's very bad place to be and very hard to deal with. I love her very much but have to be as patient as I can be.

Stay strong and make this the start of your new marriage if he decides to make the right changes on his own.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So yesterday was of course a hard day. A little recap of the weekend. I sent her flowers on Friday and that seemed to be a good move. She txted and said that it was very sweet and unexpected and that she loved them. I then txted her late on Saturday night and let her know that I knew that she was working very hard and that I wished her sweetdreams and for her to sleep well. She txted that she was about to txt me as well. She said that she got home from a rough day and saw the flowers and made her smile. I let her know that she was welcome and that I kissed the dogs for her and that I loved her. She txted that she loved me as well. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy easter and she was working. She called me later in the day when she got off work. I told her that it was really great to hear her voice. She told me that she wanted to call me last night but that I said goodnight and she thought that I was going to sleep and was tired. We talked for a little a while and I said that I missed her but she didn't reciprocate the comment. I then let her know that I wanted to see her and she said that she didn't know her schedule and wasn't sure when she could see me. That made me a little upset but I didn't let her notice that I was upset at the time. We talked a little bit more and I told her that I would let her go and that I loved her and she did say that she loved me as well. 

I'm just frustrated to be in this state of not knowing what the hell is going to happen. I think she is feeling guilty and not wanting to let me know. On the other hand by her saying that she wanted to call me on Saturday I figured that she wouldn't have told me that if she was leaning towards divorcing me. Also calling me back after she saw that I tried to call her. All those things do give me signs of hope. I think again it seems as if she isn't ready to discuss anything or that she hasn't really healed from the years of neglect at this point. Do you all think that I'm being impatient in expecting something after 6 weeks of this? I'm just getting very frustrated and I do want to be patient with her and let her open up to me in her own time but it's just the hardest thing to do and it seems to be affecting my progress on working on myself. 

I'm looking for anyone's opinion on the behavior I guess at this point.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Be patient with her, she doesn't know whats going to happen either! Her behavior is normal, she is confused, sad, angry, etc. I can tell you to limit the amount of contact, I mean do not call, email, or text everyday. It's a sign of desperation and she doesn't need that, she needs a man that is strong and confident. It's hard I know but work on you, don't contact her for a few days, she will begin to wonder and reach out to ya. When she asks what you've been up to tell her you have been working on yourself. Start working out, lifting weights is a great place to vent frustrations! Read my previous posts, I have been where you are and things can get better.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks Sirch, I really appreciate that support. I do agree she doesn't know what's going to happen. I like the fact that she appreciated the flowers and she let me know a few times about that. Also that she wanted to call me the other night, good sign. I just start to slip into the dark places when I don't think she is opening up fast enough I guess. I'm planning on calling her on Wednesday which gives it 3 days of NC. I do want her to know that I'm willing to court her again and take it slow.

It's one of those things that truly truly test your resolve and patience. I have to look at the small positives that are happening and not put so much thought into what's not happening at this point. Like I said her admitting that she wanted to call me the other night is something that I thought would never happen so soon. I just feel I screwed it up the next day by pressing her on wanting to see her and telling her that I was missing her. Just time to start again with backing off and trying to give her the time that she needs. I know deep down she loves me and does want this to work out I think.

Thanks again Sirch


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

It's a struggle to learn so much about depression and how much it affects you sexually and in other ways and not be able to let her know. I guess I have to trust that she either cares to eventually want to know those things or not. I don't want to send her another long email on what I've learned. I think that would just be another let down for me maybe not getting a response. 

I haven't spoken or contacted her since Sunday and I'm probably waiting until tomorrow or Friday to contact her. I might even just wait for her to contact me and see if she just doesn't want to contact me at this point.

I'm trying to step away and focus on other things going on in my life and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. It becomes more difficult over time when I don't hear from her for a while.

One thing I wanted to get out is that I'm going through a lot with processing my mother's death this week. I'm working with a friend that is going through his mother's death this week. They are taking her off the ventilator tomorrow and she will pass shortly there after. I'm also putting a memento into my mother's space in the mausoleum. This is something that I feel will help me move on with my mother's death. I've held onto that since she passed. These are all things that I would love to share with W, but I understand that she's not ready yet.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

So sorry to hear about your mothers passing. Be strong during these times and remember that she is in Gods hands and in a better place. As for your wife, give her space to think and sort things out. She cannot miss you if you are contacting her!


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Sirch, you are seriously spot on with your advice to me. You have been a solid sounding board for me each and every time. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. I'm going to give her the time that she needs to process some of these thoughts that she has. You're very right about her not being able to miss me if I try and contact her.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

No problem sinatra, I have been where you are at right now! While you are giving her space start on yourself, read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Go to the gym and start working out. You need to work on the mental and physical you.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm going through the same thing you are sinatra. My husband moved out almost 2 months ago. he also signed a yr lease, but said it was only because he would lose the apartment if he didn't, and it's a really nice apartment for the price he's paying. we don't communicate much. usually when we do talk, it's either fighting or it's about our daughter. the only times i see him are when i pick my duaghter up at his place or he comes by to see her ( i will NEVER not let him see her. that's just cruel.). and once in a while i'll text or call him, like yesterday i texted him w/ a question about a program he installed for my that i needed for school. at first he just sent a message back, but then he called. then yesterday he was also sick, so we arranged that he wouldn't take our daughter for the night and he would have her an extra day next week. I sent him a text last night asking if he felt better and he replied yes he was able to sleep for a while and felt better. then he thanked me. either for asking him how he felt or taking our daughter for the night so he can rest, i don't know which 1 the thanks was for. i didn't ask. he also sends me mixed signals (look at my other posts, i don't want to hijack your thread anymore than i already did).
i just need to give him time and space, which i have been. we have our good days and our bad days, you will too. give her her space and see how it works. believe me i do know how much it's driving you crazy. hopefully it will work out


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

She sent me an email today and said that she has thought about it and would like to move on with the divorce. This is one of the saddest days of my life. Plus she did it in an email!!! She has so much guilt that she can't even face me or hear my voice. I'm pissed and moving forward at this point. It's going to be so hard to do but u have no choice anymore. At least I know what happens next and not in limbo land anymore.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Sorry to hear that sinatra, but life happens right? Ok now listen, do not let her know you are pissed, hurt, depressed or whatever! Do nothing but move forward with your life. Your still going to be in limbo because I think she is bluffing ya. Telling you she loves you one day and saying she wants a divorce the next just shows she is confused. Keep your head up my friend, and keep us posted.


----------



## smitten (Apr 15, 2009)

So sorry to hear that. I don't know what to say, but either way you have a rough road ahead of you. Let us know how things go.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I do wish that was the case. However after piecing things together and really knowing her it's done. I do wish that I had a chance here but it's bit the case. I've been cool as can be and I've been played the entire time. She emotionally moved on months ago and has been planning this with her mother for some time. It all boils down to the lack of effection and and intimacy in our relationship. She has replaced that with her new job and very likely her new sex partner. 

I've accepted it and I'm now moving forward looking to the future. I've left a message with an attourney and will be changing the locks in the morning. It pains me to do all of this but this is final. I know my STBXW and this is no bluff. 

My actions now will support a full force divorce while trying to remain civil. I've somewhat detached myself from her and she is now my enemy and not my wife what so ever. I will not show her that I'm hurting and and be very clinical with her. I'm done with this and her now. 
Time to accept and move on.

I will update everyone on how the divorce goes from this point on.


----------



## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey youu.!!...Dint you sleep with any one so long??And if you don''t try to wipe your wife's hurt and show that you are hurting,How will she ever know?Why did you marry her ,to make her your enemy!Trust me ,sometimes a simple clean-hearted apology will work wonders.Let her know that you are not an arrogant and proud person and that you have feelings for her .How will she know, if you don't give up your pride??.Let her feel sure and secure that the mistakes won't happen againand that she is safe with you.You won't hurt her again.She needs someone who loves her-everyone does!!So you accept defeat so soon?A pity !! What ,if you feel later in your life ,that you blew the best part of your life with your ego??Then probably she will be out of your reach.I pity you! You are not even sure that she is with someone and make funny assumptions.Trust an old lady!:smthumbup:Try your best before giving up!!ray:


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I appreciate your thoughts, but you don't understand my situation or my wife. She has checked out long before she left and has moved on with her life in her new town home. The lack of intimacy has allowed her to completely lose the desire for me and also the desire to come back into the relationship. All the divorcebusting in the world cannot move this one from her decision. 

I have contacted an attorney and will start the divorce precedings. I love her more than anyone in this world but I can't manipulate or plead her back to me. I've stated that I lover her and would never hurt her again, but when someone is done and I mean really done and ready to move on there is nothing the other person can do. It takes the other person to have a glimmer of hope to want to work it out for anything to happen. She loves her new life and the freedom of not having to take care of a depressed husband. She quit the marriage when things got difficult and she didn't see an improvement. 

I'm sorrier than anyone in this whole situation and have prayed and tried but it's not happening.


----------



## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

I may not know as much as you.But ,I don't want anybody to suffer.Don't spoil your life over silly things.People around you may be telling you the same.People of your age don't know what to advise ,they are basically all in the same boat.Girls envy and boys advise you not to leave your pride.Pride spoils more than all.Don't be misguided.She probably found a new job to forget the pain !!You never know!! She's probably giving you the time and space,or may be bluffing you?And she is not your girlfriend to leave as soon as you lost a job! She is your wife if she feels loved protected and secure with you she will stick with you and even clean your **** when you are too weak to do so!She probably doesn't understand that you won't hurt again ,else she loves someone else.But she did love you and you did too when you said your "I do!".She will eventually remember the person she fell in love with and want to be with you more.But ,it's your life finally!!:slap:I found your post funny !!I have seen people disgusted ,who couldn't stand their wife even for a second.But you, you love her and want to divorce her??for her happiness,she loves someone you don't even really know its true?And your posts vary from love to hate ,anger ,sadness,pain,love again?You give up because you can't change her mind?You are fine living without her in your life then you will know it is over."I do hope that my wife will allow me back into her heart. I've been so neglectful and her roommate for a long time. I have woken up and would love to show her the new me. I know she isn't ready for that and may never be. I also want to have sex with her very badly now that I have gotten out of my depression. It's very bad place to be and very hard to deal with. I love her very much but have to be as patient as I can be.I think again it seems as if she isn't ready to discuss anything or that she hasn't really healed from the years of neglect at this point.I know deep down she loves me and does want this to work out I think.It becomes more difficult over time when I don't hear from her for a while"
You probably don't have much stuff inside you to get her back?I feel you are being misguided.I don't know what to say, but either way you have a rough road ahead of you.Take care @


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

It's not that I'm misguided and getting bad advice. She has moved on and isn't interested in coming back. That's all there is to it. You can't make someone change their mind about by chasing after them and expressing your feelings to them. She knows how I feel and everything that I've done to be the person that she married. She doesn't want that person either. She doesn't want to be with me in any form or fashion outside of maybe being friends one day. She will be the one to file since she wants a divorce. I will consult an attorney and go from there. 

When a person is really done you can't hold on to false hope or let anyone let you believe when there is a chance. It's not good for anyone. My wife is gone from my life and there is nothing I or anyone else can do to change that. 

Again you don't understand my situation and are making uneducated assumptions stemming from your experiences and the people that you have dealt with. It's a different situation.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Dang crystall, kinda rough on the guy.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Yea thanks for all that crystall, nice. Not any help there. 

Anyway found out today that she has been having an affair with an old friend of her's. Talking with an attorney today and will be filing this week. No more holding out hope on this one. Time to move on from here.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

The funny thing is that she really is a great person and I'm this depressed person in her eyes that can't be with anyone. I know she is dealing with a lot of anger and resentment with me at this time. 

I'm just going to follow through with the divorce since it does take 60 days here when we file. I sent her an email asking for 500 of the 1000 that it will cost. The anger will go away and the hurt will come out, but I think it's a different kind of hurt and it makes things easier. There's no more of the false hope and why is she not wanting to give this a chance. Well now I know and I'm glad that I do know.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Once again Crystall thanks for the support. I hope things are always as easy and as straightforward as you seem to think mine are. I'm sure over the course of your life people have tagged you as a pretty negative person. I don't wish you any ill will, but I'm not sure you are helping anyone when you post.

Have a great day and a nice life yourself!


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I will keep venting here because it does help to get my thoughts out. My pain today is mainly the pain of losing my best friend and the person that I cherished most in life. It's very sad when thinking of all the laughs that we had and all the good times that we had. I'm sure that's the hardest part everyone. She responded to my email about the divorce by saying that she will pay the 500 for her half of the divorce. She also said that she was sorry for how angry I am with her???? I've done nothing to express anger towards her at all. I think she is referring to the fact that I contacted a lawyer so soon. She wasn't expecting that and I'm sure she is feeling a little guilty with how she's handled this whole situation. 

I responded to her email with a simple thanks for sending the checks in the mail. Nothing more nothing less. I think she was looking for a response to the I'm sorry you're so angry with me comment. I think it's time to let her lean on the OM shoulder's now and let her know that she made this decision and now the wheels are in motion. I surely don't want this to happen in anyway shape or form but what choice do I have after all this?? After she has drug this out when she knew good and well she wasn't coming back and still asked for money. I'm really hurt by this, I love her very much and was truly had some major issues that I should have faced during out marriage. I'm having a difficult time forgiving myself for those errors in judgment. I just wish that she had the strength to tough it out with me through all this and we could have made it to the other side.

She is now filling the void with someone else and it's a painful painful thought. I know deep down there is someone out there that will take the vows to heart and not check out. I still wish it would be her, but that hope is gone and I have to admit that and try to move forward. 

I wish I was still angry with her for how she has handled this and treated me for the past two months. The flip side is that she is still so angry with me because of the neglect I showed her for so long. She has a lot of resentment built up inside her. That hurts as well knowing that she thinks of me that way.

Sorry for the long post, just venting here I think.

Thanks again for everyone being there to help me get through these emotions.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Hi Sinatra, been reading your posts. I kinda know how you feel. Everyone's situation is different and I think I am beating a dead horse too. I'm sorry you are going thru all this pain and wish better days for both of us!


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Another rant today. I went to sleep pretty happy and at peace with the whole sitch. When I wake up it's another story completely. I feel alone and longing for that love that my wife showed me and the kiss that I gave her each day I left for work. 

Today I'm dealing with a lot of guilt. Guilt of neglecting her physically which drove a wedge into our emotional bond for one another. I've taken full responsibility for that and have expressed that to her. I don't think she has forgiven me for that and that's the main reason that she made the choice to leave and start seeing someone else. I have to forgive myself for that as well I guess. The depression that I was experiencing was completely the reason for this but I didn't get help in time to save my marriage and I have to live with that for the rest of my life. I have learned that lesson and will not do that again for any problem that comes up in future relationships. 

I also feel that she should have not given up on me or the marriage. That was her choice completely and I have to accept that as well. It hurts to think back on the times when she would tell me how much she loved me and would always be there for me no matter what. That wasn't very long ago. When I was going through the cancer diagnose and surgery she was by my side telling me we could get through this and we will get through whatever is thrown our way. Even when I lost my job in December she was telling me we will get through this without hesitation. I now recognize that she got tired of being the one to carry the relationship and be the strong one for us. Again me dealing with guilt on the matter. 

How do I accept and forgive myself for driving this wedge between us? I feel responsible for this situation. I do know that she made a choice and sometime just decided that she couldn't take it anymore or that she didn't want to take it anymore. I remember her saying that I have sucked everything out of her and she had nothing else to give. I'm not sure how to take that but I do understand that depression can do just that if not treated in time. It's like a terminal cancer on the relationship. Eventually if left untreated will take over and kill any love that was there in the relationship. I know this because I've witnessed the destruction first hand.

On the other side I feel if the roles were reversed that I wouldn't have given up. I'm not for certain because I wasn't in her shoes for that amount of time. I just know that I cherished her so much but didn't show her that at all. It sucks that I kept that to myself so much and didn't express it enough to her. I have to find away to deal with these feelings of regret, remorse and guilt. It eats me up inside to feel this way. It keeps me from feeling the anger that I feel I should be feeling to help me to start to move forward and continue with the process of grieving this loss. 

I do apologize for these long rants but basically I feel as I'm doing my journaling on these forums with the hope that some of you great people will help me process these emotions and thoughts. 

Thank you everyone for your continued support during these times.


----------



## toomanytears (Apr 15, 2009)

Sinatra, I feel all these same emotions but my anger is still there when it comes to my H not communicating how he felt. He is a grown man (despite in his mind he is about 18) and it is a simple matter of OPEN MOUTH.....SPEAK! I will always be angry for that because I, like you, wouldn't have thrown in the towel on a long marriage without trying!


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Sinatra, remember time heals all wounds but scars will always remain. Take this life lesson and apply it to the next relationship that comes along. Good luck to ya my friend.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So I went away this weekend to Boston to see my family and throw a surprise b-day party for her 95th. My grandmother loved it, but she was very close to my STBX and she cried on Saturday because she wasn't' there or didn't send her a card. She mentioned her quite a bit over the weekend. It was a very hard time for me as well. I was trying to be strong for my grandmother but it was not something that I could do on a consistent bases at all. We went up there around 4 times and always enjoyed the family and they all loved her as well. 

So everyone knew about my cancer surgery, loss of job and pending divorce. So it wasn't something that I could just try and forget for the weekend. Everyone gave me the hug and the I'm sorry to hear about everything that's been going on. 

I tell you what everyone, I have been in so much pain this weekend that I thought I was going to go insane from time to time. The pain is so so great and I miss her so damn much! I haven't contacted her since last monday letting her know how much her share of the divorce will be. Last thing she said was I'm sorry you are so angry with me. 

Anyway her Mom txted me on Saturday and asked what I was doing. Then when I didn't respond to her she sent another txt letting me know that even though I don't know it right now that I have a special place in her heart. She said for me to kiss my pups and that she missed them. I didn't respond and I'm not taking anything from it. I just have been trying to go NC with everyone from her family and her. I'm just pretty upset about the whole thing and the NC is for me to move on right??? That's what I'm looking for, I want to lose the hope, I think I have actually and know that's its just flat over with. She has skated out of the thing with money and half my **** and a new life. 

I need the anger stage!! How long did that take you all to get there? What's the deal with her mom txting me??


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey bud, don't go and get angry it doesn't help. That emotion will keep you thinking of her, which is not what you need. Moving on is what will allow you to focus on you and to better yourself! As far as the texting, the no contact is working for ya! Your ex is wondering what the hell your doing but is to chicken to be the one to contact you! Just keep moving forward sinatra, the nc has her confused, good job!


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I sent her email to today asking for the ring back. I know this is breaking the NC rule. The reason for this is that I still owe my dad 5000 for the ring. He's unemployed at this time and I really feel that he could use the money. I'm now not in a position to pay him back. 

It was just a simple email asking the question and my reasoning. I did break the rule, but I feel if I'm ever going to get that back now would be the time. Just kept it very business like and I'm not expecting to hear anything. 

This was strictly to see if she's up to it. I don't plan on contacting her again and if she doesn't respond that's fine too. 

I'm such a great deal of pain at this point, I don't really care either way. I just have to move on, but I feel like I'm stuck in the past and can't stop thinking about all the good times we had. There really were not that many bad times over all just no sex life and that's what did it and pushed outside of the marriage. 

Sorry ranting, just very very hurt right now and painful. 


Thanks sirch anything other words of encourage would be great! I'm having another very bad day today and having a hard time focusing at work.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are doing the right thing but moving on and pursuing your life with or without your wife! I went through the depression thing-no fun. 

She's having doubts. However, in the back of her mind, she is wondering if your change is a temporary thing. Only time will change her mind.

In the meantime, be happy and not too needy. No over texting or calling all of the time. Make her miss you. Make a date, in the future, to take the dogs to the park. Don't talk about the marriage, just have fun!!! 

Good luck.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I have been trying to move the focus over to me and look towards the future not the past. I'm still very raw with the emotions and trying to work through them. 

I have an update and would like some input. I emailed my wife yesterday and asked for the ring back since I still owed my father some money for it and he's unemployed at the moment. She emailed me back and started the email of with Hey Babe. It's just so strange to me that she is still calling me babe. Anyway, she said that she would not give the ring back because it holds too much sentimental value to her and that I gave it to her. She wasn't rude about it all or anything. She also said that it's bad enough that she had to give up me, our house, our life, our puppies and everything else because of the pain she's been through. She said that it's not like me to ask for something like that and that she doesn't see why she would have to give up something so sacred that I gave to her for him. 

I then talked with my grandmother and her mother called my grandmother earlier in the day and was crying and saying how she will always love me until the day she dies. She also made a comment saying "I don't know about my daughter right now" I'm guessing she's feeling guilty or doesn't really know why she is doing everything she's doing. Well my STBX called my grandmother later in the same day and was asking a bunch of questions about me like, has he been cooking, his he eating well, did he come to the party this weekend. She broke down while talking with my grandmother and told her that she never wants my grandmother to leave her and that she loves her so much. My grandmother didn't really get into anything with her but was telling her that it's a shame that things are like this right now. STBX was also saying that she hasn't really been working on her new place and that she was really tired from working so much and saying that it was hard. 

I'm not sure how to take all of this and I haven't responded to her email. I've wanted to keep NC through all this and maybe things are starting to set in a little with her and her family. Or maybe it's just the guilt seeping through and they are starting to feel bad for things. I do not want to have any false hope from any of this at this point. My thoughts are to not respond and just try to move forward with the divorce. In the back of my head I don't want to let it go if she is feeling any doubts about what she's doing though.

I'd love some advice from anyone on what their thoughts are on what I should do. Stay NC with them after she sent the email? It does seem like a open ended email and not really just slamming the door, I'm confused. 

Advice please?


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Keep up the NC sinatra, she is starting see what she has to lose and it's getting to her.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

W sent me an email out the blue. 

"I just feel that you have so much hatred towards me. I know you haven't said anything to me to merit that, but I just feel it. I know you are hurting, and I am too. I keep thinking that not talking is best, but there are so many times that I want to pick the phone and talk to you. I just don't want to upset you. I hope you are ok and wanted to tell you that I love you."

I'm not going to respond to it, because I believe actions speak louder than words and I feel this is her guilt eating her up.

What are ya'lls thoughts on it? I know it's not a big deal but I wasn't expecting to get anything from her. This isn't stopping me from moving forward with my life, but curious on other people's opinion on it.

Thank you for your time responding.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

She is confused sinatra, plain and simple. Now here is my question to you, What do you want? Do you still want your marriage? If not then do not reply, if you do want your marriage then respond. If you do respond keep it short and to the point. Answer her with honesty, and if you do love her let her know.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE!!!

I received an email from my W. It was a very long email stating that she has been miserable without me and she would like to try and work things out. 

She explained how she was shutting me out because she wasn't emotionally ready to hear any of my requests or could see that I was making true changes. As you all know this is completely unexpected. I haven't talked with her in detail because I let her know that Ive been through an emotional roller coaster and need a few days to process these new developments. We're planning to meet Monday night to discuss things. I did talk with her a little on the phone last night and let her know that I appreciated her pouring out her heart and was brave enough to express herself. I told her that i believe we can get through this but it will have to be a slow process because of some of the pain we have both been through. She stated in her email that my silence was deafening and that when I let her know that I contacted an attorney she thought that I was done. She began to realize that I might have moved on and there wasn't going to be a chance to see if I had made true significant changes. The NC worked for sure and I just couldn't believe the 180 that happened so fast. In a matter of 3 weeks it flipped!

I can't thank all of you on this board enough. There have been times when I have been unable to make it through a day never mind hours or minutes. I found myself pouring over other posters post's to at least feel as if I wasn't the only one going through this pain. 

I know that it's not a definite thing that we are going to make it, but from what the email said and what she is saying now I truly feel that we are on the way to the best marriage we could have! 

Also, my test results came back from my oncologist and my kidney levels are a little off but he thinks everything is ok. I'm going back in 6 months for a check up. 

This is such an amazing feeling and time.


----------



## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Good to see you here Sinatra.
Man the 180 works doesn't it.
Stay the course, keep strong, and remember this is about YOU. You are in control of your ship, you steer the course.
You and your wife are in my prayers. Remember no matter what, you will succeed in the end.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Good to hear that sinatra! Now just remember to go slowwww, a good quote to go by "slow is fast and fast is slow".


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I'm utterly devastated right now. After her sending the email saying that she wants to try and give it a chance and the txting's and the phone calls she and I were very excited to try and make things work it seemed. Then she came over and we talked for a little while and soon I realized that she still had a lot of anger and resentment towards me. She hadn't dealt with any of those emotions and when she saw me she wanted to talk about all the past hurt and pain that she dealt with. I thought that she was in a different place at this point. Everyone I'm so so hurt and utterly in shock. I was moving on and I felt good about moving on from this point. Then she sucked me back into it and then told me that she just thinks we are on different pages at this point. 

She doesn't think that we will ever be on the same page. She said that I had already processed things and was in a different place and that she realized that she hasn't and may never be able to forgive me. Why did she come back into my life like that and give me that hope? I'm just utterly floored and I'm sitting at home because I couldn't bring myself to go to work. I was doing so well and then she slammed me down to rock bottom again. I'm hurting so bad and I just don't want to feel this way anymore. 

I broke down for the first time in front of her when I realized that she didn't want to try and work on things. I just felt betrayed all over again. She said that she made a mistake by reaching out to me like she did. That just broke my heart. When she started to talk about all the hurt and resentment that she still had for me I became worried that she wasn't where I thought she had claimed to be.

It just seems like she's totally confused and lost and is not in a good frame of mind, but it's just unhealthy for me to talk to her now. I know that we will not see each other again or talk to each other again after last night. She did deny being with anyone numerous times and got upset when I kept asking her that. I just didn't think that we were going to be talking about everything like the day that she left. 

Everyone I'm so lost and in so so much pain that I can't take this pain. This is so much harder than the first time she walked out. I got my hopes up so so much and then she crushed them. I was trying to talk to her about being able to forgive me and then we could move on. I just thought that's where she was and when she realized that she wasn't there and hadn't forgiven me she said that she had a weak moment and sent me the email and called my grandmother crying and saying how much she missed me. 

Help me please


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Will someone respond this one. It's killing me more and more each day. I'm sitting at work trying to focus. I realize that someone that is so selfish at this point and really hasn't had one concern for my feelings or well being is someone that I probably shouldn't be around. Its just hard to get that love for this person out of my head.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

This morning I woke up and it hit me like a ton of bricks and I cried my eyes out. I'm trying to figure out why the hell it's hitting me so hard this time around. I think it's because I feel like I had a chance and I blew it by not letting her in when she was asking to come back in the day she reached out and it gave her time to put her wall back up. I feel like I lost a chance to mend it all. cat I told her not to tell me that she loves me unless she can show me and she said she won't tell me anymore. I feel like I shouldn't have said that now. I was hurt and lashing out I guess. 

When I went forward with talking to an attorney and just made the decision to accept and move on is when I started to feel better. I don't have that desire at this point because of the hope that was brought back into the equation. Then I had the most hope that I've ever had and I was the happiest that I ever was when she came begging back and I was so wanting it to work. When she showed up and had doubts right off the bat, probably being in the house to soon scared her. It crushed me all over again and brought me back down into the depression. 

To be completely honest one of my fears is being brought down into the depression again. I know I shouldn't let one person have that much power or control over me but it's the fact that my marriage was hanging on a thread and I did everything right to get a response from her and then I screwed it up because I moved too fast and scared her off. Was it my fault that I scared her off? Was it just because she really didn't want it to work and she was just having a very hard day and reached out to me and then realized that she really didn't want it when she saw me and we started to talk about it?

I hear everyone when they say it will be ok. I know that it will be ok, but how does one make a decision not to feel pain. I understand what everyone is saying but I just don't know how you wake up and stop yourself from not feeling the rush of pain that follows to know your marriage is over with?


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sinatra,

I feel your pain. I haven't read your story but I know you've been working at it a while and thought it was over, then the hope crept back in for you. I believe it is still there but you can't push it with her and I know you know that. You are strong, you can overcome this. Keep moving ahead to make yourself happy whatever that will be or is. I'm no expert, but I'm beginning to really come to grips with the fact that if I am happy -- no matter what -- that will flow to those around us.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Here is an email that I sent my wife on Friday. I'm not giving up exactly but I have to be proactive in the sense of moving forward but leaving the door open at the same time. It's very easy for me to slip into my depression again if I feel like a victim. By at least sending this email I feel that I have some control with my life. I would really really appreciate anyone's thoughts on the email that I sent if you would take the time to read it. I know it's long but it's very important. Thanks

Hi,



After thinking about things more I understand now that you haven't forgiven me. I think meeting in a neutral location or meeting with our therapist together would have been a better approach so that we both could have had guidance to deal with our emotions and issues. I know that you need to heal at your own pace. I made an assumption that you were further along with processing your anger and hurt and I didn't realize the depths of your fears and apprehension that night. I feel that we have much love for each other but it would take a decision from both of us to move beyond the past. I understand that you would have to be ready in your own time. I know it's very hard for you to move past the fact that I made these changes after you moved out. I do know that's a hard thing for you to accept, but I feel if one day you could accept that real changes did happen with me when you made that decision I think it would help you get to a point of moving past some of the hurt even if you still didn't see us working through it together. You have to do that on your own time. I know that you have been hurting and I have as well more than you know. I also know that it doesn't matter what anyone else ever thinks about what happened with us or our marriage. It's between you and I and that's all that will ever matter.



When you sent the email to reach out I was so happy and apprehensive at the same time. I didn't commit to it and say yes come over because I was also very scared of getting hurt and opening up my heart so I thought maybe a few days would allow us time to really think. While I was thinking over the weekend I decided that I did really want to move forward with opening up and trying to heal. I'm sorry I mis construed what your intentions were when you came over. It must have made you feel scared and very apprehensive to move towards opening up when you talked with me. I assumed that you were at a point of wanting to put the past behind us and move forward with healing each other. I understand that it takes more time for that to happen and you don't feel that you are ready and may never feel that you are. I do hope that you some day work through your anger, resentment and hurt towards me even if we aren't together. I think maybe in time when and if you feel ready that talking with someone yourself will help you to process your feelings. I truly feel that it helped me to process what I was feeling and allow me to move beyond what was holding me back as a person.



I would like you to know that you did see a little of the new happy ****. I would love to make things work between the both of us and end the misery that we are going through and be able to have a new start, but I can understand that you don't see that being able to happen because of the pain that you are harboring. Like I said I do hope that one day you can at least not feel the pain and the anger when you think of me or our marriage. I also hope that one day you will understand that it was never my intent to hurt you or jeopardize our marriage. I will respect your wishes and move on with our divorce. It will take me a month or two to be able to save some money to get it started. If you find a way to have it done another way and would like it done sooner I will understand.



I sent this to you because I didn't like the way that we said goodbye. I know that I was upset and those were my true emotions that just came out. I hope you know that I am and will be ok. I only truly wish the best for you with everything in your life. You are such an amazing person I can't put it into words. Please don't work yourself too hard with ***** and *****. I wish you nothing but the best with those two ventures and hope that **** flourishes with you as the chef, I know it will if you have anything to say about it. Please don’t over work yourself.



You will always have a place in my heart.


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sinatra,

I think that was a great letter. One I hope I won't need for myself in the future. You were very positive about your future for yourself and her without being whiny or anything. I saw no pressure that you put on her and no hostilities -- only positive and reassuring words. Did you receive a response?


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks Feelingalone, I have not received a response from her. I don't know if I'll get one at this point. I think she doesn't want to hurt me if she is waffling back and forth. I'm not sure if she'll reach out anymore which is hard to accept since I know she's just confused at this point. I hope it didn't seem to final to her but I can't do anything about how she reacts to it. 

I miss her terribly and it I just want to reach out to her, but I know that's not what I should do. I'm thinking with my heart when I want to and not my head I believe.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Here is my supposition:

Your wife feels overwhelmed by _your_ emotional baggage. It can be challenging to love someone struggling with depression. It sucks the life out of you. You become so caught up in being emotionally available to your partner – that the other partners well-being can become lost, diminished, overlooked.

Even worse, if you are the supporting partner – you provide support, encouragement, a positive outlook, love – and the distressed partner challenges it, minimizes it, or ignores it. At the absolute worst? It grows into a parasitic co-dependent relationship. The only way that the distressed partner feels validated is by continuously challenging the supportive partners commitment.

I’m not saying this is the case with you, Sinatra. But I will break it down in very simple terms:
Don’t make your wife responsible for your happiness and sense of well-being. Don’t ever make someone else responsible for your happiness. She may contribute to, or detract from it – but she doesn’t own it. You do. It’s yours. Be selfish with it.

The more you take care of you – the more attractive you become to her. It’s that simple.
The less you seek out contact with her, you begin to increase the likelihood that she will seek contact with you. Odds are, that she really does still love you – but if she does not perceive that there is a light at the end of the emotional well-being tunnel for you – then she remains overwhelmed and over-burdened. 
The empowering piece of taking care of yourself is that you exponentially decrease the desire or ‘need’ to have someone else take care of you (figuratively, from an emotional perspective). Instead of pursuing the object of your desire feeling compelled to make them ‘see’ that you love them, and ultimately pushing them away – you remove the emphasis on ‘them’ and make it about you. By seeing to your own needs, (addressing your mother’s death, employment, your health, your mental well-being) you reduce your dependence on her. In classic human fashion, the less she feels you need her – the more likely she is to want to be there for you. Crazy – but in my professional opinion, this is 100% fact. I should point out that my profession has nothing to do with relationships or emotional well-being.

What makes choosing this path the best decision you can make regardless of the outcome, is that by taking these steps, you increase the likelihood for reconciliation, and if reconciliation doesn’t occur, you are still better prepared to face that challenge as well.

Your wife left to take care of herself – in what you have written, I get the impression that it was not an easy decision for her. You need to emotionally separate from her, and do the same – take care of yourself.
Here are two more tacky affirmations you can apply to your situation:

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.” (What you are doing is not going to get you the results you are looking for)
Don’t focus on finding the right person. Focus on being the right person. (You reap what you sow. If you are emotionally healthy, grounded, confident and happy, you are much more appealing than captain Emo)

I’m not trying to at all make light of the seriousness of your circumstances, or appear crass about your suffering, I have experienced much of the same. Take what I have offered with a grain of salt. It’s an opinion. Mash up a bunch of opinions – and make something that works for you. I wish you well.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Deejo you're amazing! Thank you so much for putting so much time and thought into your response. I think I have read it about 5 times so far. It really spoke to me and helped me get past this trying day. Can't thank you enough. If you wouldn't mind checking in from time to time on my post I would greatly appreciate all the input that you would want to give.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond in that manner.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sinatra,
Ever hear anything back from her?


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I haven't heard a thing. Silence on both sides. I'm expecting the next response will be her asking for the rest of her stuff or commenting on what she needs to do to complete the divorce.

I've been just living my life and work is going well. I'm also trying to refi my house. Most of the pain has gone away since I've just decided to really just move forward. I hope she may change her mind down the line but I'm not very hopeful at this point. I don't plan on contacting her for a couple months. 

I find it a little strange that she hasn't contacted me since I sent the email??


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

It's funny as as soon as I thought the pain was going away it comes back in full force! I thought I was further along with all this and the pain has been so immense the past two days that I wanted to reach out to her and ask if she would go to counseling. I think I'm just curious why she hasn't responded to that email with a I need to get my stuff or let me know about the divorce and what I need to do.

I know I shouldn't be trying to read minds here, but why wouldn't someone try and get the rest of their stuff or say let's go forward with the divorce after I sent that email?? 

Any possible insight would be helpful. Of course I know it doesn't matter in the end but I'm just sitting here in disbelief this crap is happening the way that it is.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Same here Sinatra...I asked the hubby on Friday if he would go to counseling he flat out refused it's like he knows we can make it but doesn't want anyone to prove it to him right now because he's having too much fun w/the freedom or something. Hell I don't know I have all kinds of things running through my mind. Hubby and I have known each other for 11 years we have a long history I imagine we'll always be a part of each other's lives even though we have no children together we just have that bond. It's crazy I'm in constant disbelief as well...I'm like wtf?! Really?! is this really happening?! I know in my heart of hearts this is going to kick him in the a$$ one day I guess I just figured it'd happen sooner than later. I have no desire to be with anyone else absolutely none. I'm so confused I'm at such a loss for words that I'm rambling at the moment sorry.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

sinatra said:


> It's funny as as soon as I thought the pain was going away it comes back in full force! I thought I was further along with all this and the pain has been so immense the past two days that I wanted to reach out to her and ask if she would go to counseling. I think I'm just curious why she hasn't responded to that email with a I need to get my stuff or let me know about the divorce and what I need to do.
> 
> I know I shouldn't be trying to read minds here, but why wouldn't someone try and get the rest of their stuff or say let's go forward with the divorce after I sent that email??
> 
> Any possible insight would be helpful. Of course I know it doesn't matter in the end but I'm just sitting here in disbelief this crap is happening the way that it is.


So no contact w/her at all?


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Yes Rhea no contact at all. I sent the email and I haven't heard a thing from her and I haven't attempted contact. I really was just trying to find some kind of closure for myself by sending that what I find has happened is that I guess I was wanting some kind of response. Whether it be yes move forward with the divorce or I need to get my stuff. I just don't understand it, I guess she may be waiting to let things cool off and then ask for the rest of her stuff. Who the hell knows!! I'm just sitting her again in disbelief as to what has happened.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

I'm totally w/you Sinatra, you're in my thoughts.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I feel like I made a mistake by just cutting her off with the email. It sounds very final and I don't think that she would ever feel comfortable reaching out at this point even if she wanted to. 

Do you all think that if she did want to reach out she would after reading that letter? I guess I'm just worried about too much time slipping away. I'm also very concerned about how much I've regressed this week. It's like I don't want to get out of bed anymore. I felt like I was doing so much better until this weekend and this week.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

My closest friend passed away last night suddenly. She had trouble breathing in the morning and was complaining of back pain. They called 911 and they admitted her into the ICU as soon as she arrived. She was having a lot of breathing problems and in pain. They put her on a ventilator and a few hours later she flat lined. They were able to revive her and we were hoping for the best. She ended up flat lining 4 more times and was losing oxygen to her brain. They couldn't stabilize her and they made decision to not revive her if it happened again. 

She was my number one support system and such a great friend to ton of people. I just spent the weekend with her and laughing with her. Now in less than 24 hours died. It's just a complete and utter shock. 

One of my friends called my wife and let her know. She ended up calling me and telling me how sorry she was. She asked if she should could come to the funeral. I let her know that I didn't see why not. After thinking about it I'm not sure it's such a good idea. I really believe that she wants to come for the right reasons, however I don't want it to set me back. I would think that if she really gave a crap she would have offered to call and check up on me or reach out a little more than she did.

I'm just concerned about what to do and if I should let her know that I don't think it's a good idea that she comes to the funeral. What are everyone's thoughts. 

I really miss my friend and she was taken away from everyone so suddenly. You just never know how things happen or what is coming next.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I decided to let my wife go ahead and go to the service. I just sent her the info and she said that she will be there. 

I'm not going to let my selfish thoughts of how she's treating me get in the way of someone that may really want to pay their respects to someone. I guess it's just her only way to support me during all this as well. 

It really doesn't matter in the long run because I miss my best friend more than anything right now. Unfortunately my wife is not in the picture or my concern for the time being. My friends and her family are who I'm truly concerned with at this point.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My sincere condolences about your friend.

You have the right perspective about the service. All things in time. Unfortunately, time can equal pain, but you will get there.


----------



## overitnolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I agree with Crystall. You didn't try hard enough and that probably confirmed your wife's suspicions. Sorry to be harsh.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So I went to my friends funeral service yesterday and man that was hard. There were over 2,000 people there. Just goes to show you what an amazing person she was and how many people she touched during her short life. My W did show up but I was sitting with a row of friends so she sat in a different area with other friends of mine. She was telling them that she wished that she was able to sit with me.

After the initial service while everyone was gathering outside the main hall she came up to me and hugged me for a good 5 minutes and we both cried pretty hard. She said she was so sorry and so shocked about my friend. I then started to let my emotions get the better of me with the whole situation and asked how she was doing. We haven't talked since she walked out the last time about a month ago. She said so so not so good. I then asked her if she still wanted to go through with everything. I know I know I shouldn't have said anything at all but I just had too much damn emotions going through me and it was tough to control them. She just said that she didn't want to talk about it. I told her I didn't either and changed the subject and asked her if she was working tonight. She said yes and something about them not allowing her take off the full day. I told her that I appreciated her coming and I'm sure my friend would have too. We then hugged for another pretty long time and she cried some more and left.

Please don't bash me for saying anything to her. It wasn't the place or the time and I know I shouldn't have said anything at all. I'm beating myself up much more than anyone could do at this point. Just couldn't control my freaking emotions at that point and was trying to reach out.

I'm leaving her alone and it does seem that she wants to move forward with getting the divorce. I'm just just trying to get past all this. Her MIL txted me later in the evening and asked if I was ok. Just told her "yes doing the best I can under the curcumstances. Thanks for asking." 

I'm not reading anything into anything and trying to pick up the pieces of my life. My goals now are to try and get my house refinanced so I have a better chance of keeping it. Also, try and get a clean bill of health. Focusing on work during all this and taking care of my two boxers, which are like kids and require a ton of attention. 

You all have been very supportive through all of this every time. I appreciate anyone's input as usual. Thank you so much again. This board has helped me numerous times to get through some really hard times.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey Sinatra, you are going to make it! I know it's hard, trust me I know. As of right now I am making my exit plan and will carry it out. I have a knot the size of a basketball in my stomach just thinking about all this I am going through. Keep your spirits up better days are ahead for you (and me).


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Sinatra,
It's hard. No bashing from me I understand where you're coming from completely. Hugs.
Rhea


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

No bashing. I know this story, including doing the very things you convince yourself you won't do, and then beating yourself up over it.

Eventually, there will come a point where you get tired of beating yourself up - and you will simply make different choices. 

I remember believing that if I pour out my heart, she will know how much I love her, and she will love me back - because that is how it's supposed to work. It didn't. It doesn't. It won't. 

I often mention being selfish with your needs and well-being. For a long time, I pursued my wife to selfishly preserve my sense of well-being. Then at some point it became clear that the pursuit was no longer about self-preservation, it was more like self-destruction. It consistently produced the absolute opposite of what I wanted to accomplish.

Take care of yourself.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So at this point I should just leave it alone and continue NC? I was going to send her an email and ask her to come and get the rest of her stuff in a few weeks. She might beat me to it for all I know. 

Thoughts?


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

UGH! NC is so hard for me blah. Rough day sorry.

I would tell her to come get the rest of her stuff, the less of her around the less for you to dwell on...moving on sucks so bad I have no other words for it. Especially when you aren't the one whom wants to move on. I'm struggling w/this very thing right now and currently losing the battle.

My heart goes out to you and everyone out here Sinatra. But again I'd just shoot her a quick message and ask her to come get her stuff so that you may start moving on.

*HUGS*


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If _you_ want it gone, send the email. But given the recent death of your friend, and the interaction with her, there is no harm in letting the dust settle.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I'm just going to leave it alone for a little while. There is some stupid feeling that I have inside that there's a little hope. Even when all realistic thoughts point towards a divorce. She hasn't contacted me since the funeral for my friend last week. 

My birthday is this Thursday and although I'm not expecting anything from her, deep down I would love to hear from her. It's better that I don't at this point. 

My grandmother sent some pictures from her 95th birthday to my W a couple weeks ago and she hasn't contacted my grandmother. I didn't expect her to, but my grandmother misses talking with her so she sent over some pictures. I just let her know that it looks like she isn't going to contact you and to let her go at this point. 

I moved bedrooms today. Even though my master is bigger than the room I moved into I needed a paradigm shift I think. Waking up in that room was getting to me and I needed a change. It was difficult and I did get upset while doing it. That was something that my wife and I wanted to do before because we felt better in that room. 

This just sucks all around and I'm trying to stay positive and the pain is getting less and less each day. Just have to continue NC and moving forward, but I can't get this stupid false hope out of my head. I'm pretty sure that's just me not wanting to "let it go" completely. 

I'm missing her a lot today.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

sinatra said:


> I'm just going to leave it alone for a little while. There is some stupid feeling that I have inside that there's a little hope. Even when all realistic thoughts point towards a divorce. She hasn't contacted me since the funeral for my friend last week.
> 
> My birthday is this Thursday and although I'm not expecting anything from her, deep down I would love to hear from her. It's better that I don't at this point.
> 
> ...



Sinatra,
My heart goes out to you man, I keep holding on to the thin shred of hope as well, and I'm 2 weeks away from court 

It hurts so hard to let go. I was doing some googling last night about ex's getting back together etc because I really have been seeing lately that it's hard for mine to let go which makes it even harder for me to understand why he's letting go. But he's doing it anyway. 

I always wonder how many people go thru this only later to realize it was a mistake because one or the other or both didn't try hard enough or whatever the circumstances may be. Anyways there were a lot of success stories on there. Not that I will stop my life waiting for him to return or waiting for them time if and when we're brought back together. I'm only saying that if it's meant to be it will find its way back eventually. Me personally in order for me to get through this situation which is totally out of my control and stop letting him hurt me so much, is to relinquish it fully into God's hands. Or else I'ma kill myself (figeratively/mentally not physically).

I'm missing him today too. Hugs to you as I too hold on to my little piece of hope. Either way we WILL we HAVE to get through this.

Much Love,
Rhea


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So a quick update. It's my birthday today and I wasn't expecting anything from her or her family. I got a call from MIL and she wished me happy birthday. It was a pretty quick conversation and she told me about a catering event her and my W are doing this weekend. That was the first time I've talked with her on the phone since all this happened back in Feb. Then when I'm on the phone with her my W txt'd me "Happy Birthday Sweets!" 

Someone please tell me how to approach this one? I've had a lot of people just tell me to not respond at this point. I haven't responded to her at all. I'm thinking it doesn't really mean anything at this point, but I know you all have some good advice on how to approach these types of situations. This is the first time I've heard from her since she showed up at the funeral on Tuesday. Thinking that she just is wishing me happy birthday and that's that. 

Thanks for the advice as usual.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

Yikes I don't know what to do about that one. My urge wld be to respond even when I shlouldnt 

My self control when it comes to NC is a little lacking. I'd say if you can handle it don't respond. See how she reacts to you not jumping when she makes a move. However if you just can't make it simply respond with "Thanks for thinking of me" or a simple "Thank You" and take it from there.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"Thanks."

Should be sufficient. I acknowledge that we are in different places in terms of moving forward - so again, take my input with a grain of salt.

What you see as reaching out, I see as cruel and manipulative. "Sweets???" WTF?? 
If she knows you, then she knows damn well what dangling those little carrots out there means. I see it as a fishing expedition - she is waiting to see how you respond. So don't give her the satisfaction.

Yep. I got a little anger going at the moment. Reading your post really bothered me. If she really wanted to reach out ... she would have friggin called you.
So another response option would be:
"Gee a text on my B-day? Thanks for going the extra mile."

Apologies for my malcontent. And, oh ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sinatra said:


> my W txt'd me "Happy Birthday Sweets!"
> 
> Someone please tell me how to approach this one? Thinking that she just is wishing me happy birthday and that's that.


y'know, i think there's more to this than meets the eye. are you the "sweets" she's referring to? of course. yeah she is "just wishing you a happy birthday." but "sweets?" she opened the door again.

my wife told me once after txting me some pretty loving stuff that it "means more than a phone call because it's a written records for you."

hmmm...i've been wrong before. but....


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Thanks for all the Happy Birthday wishes! I didn't respond to her at all. I probably would have felt better responding with a "Thank You", but whatever. Really if she wants to reach out a txt message isn't going to do. I'm not angry with her I just don't like the "sweets" comment if she is moving on with the divorce, which nothing has been done on the front from either side.

Her brother txted me a Happy Birthday and I love you later in the day. My MIL, txted again later in the day asking if I did something fun for my BDay and commented on how great it was to hear my voice and that she loved me much. I let her know that my friends planned a get together and was having a good time and that i loved her and it was nice to hear her voice as well.

Of course I'm trying to not read into anything and just continue with moving forward, but obviously not having the best luck with that.  I'd love to think that it was more than it was, but I can't afford to be set back again. It hurts way too much and is devastating to my well being. At this point I would need a lot more reassurance and commitment to reconcile right now. It's still painful and I miss her terribly but have to stay the course.

I still regret a little not at least giving her a "Thanks" or something but again, don't think that would make or break anything at this point


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I broke down today and sent my W a txt saying "Thanks for the BDay wishes" today. Even though it was a day late atleast i don't look angry or that i'm ignoring her. 

I'm trying to not read her mind and get caught up in it all, but hey look at me now. I hope I didn't make a mistake by waiting a day to respond to her. Reading way too much into this situation!! This is so freakin stupid and doesn't even matter in the end.

I suck right now for letting all this consume me today!!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

_Why_ are you consumed with analyzing the possibilities or intent of every interaction or exchange?

Can you articulate that?


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Consumed I think is a bit much, but if I had to explain it. It's basically me moving in a direction of NC and making an effort towards letting go then receiving some kind of communication from her side even though small and yes manipulative in nature. I then go into this fight or flight mentality of how I should or shouldn't respond to her. It becomes confusing when I WANT this to work out in the end, but don't want to be nieve and think that it will or won't by how I respond to something. 

I know that I have no real control over the situation or how she feels or will ever feel on whether she wants to try and reconcile. Which has helped with me keeping it NC for the most part and business like as possible, except for at the funeral service when I asked outright if she wanted to continue with the divorce.

I'm definitely at a better place with my handling of the situation internally, but still have the fleeting hope or thoughts of really wanting to reconcile. 

Make sense or just rambling?


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

sinatra said:


> Consumed I think is a bit much, but if I had to explain it. It's basically me moving in a direction of NC and making an effort towards letting go then receiving some kind of communication from her side even though small and yes manipulative in nature. I then go into this fight or flight mentality of how I should or shouldn't respond to her. It becomes confusing when I WANT this to work out in the end, but don't want to be nieve and think that it will or won't by how I respond to something.
> 
> I know that I have no real control over the situation or how she feels or will ever feel on whether she wants to try and reconcile. Which has helped with me keeping it NC for the most part and business like as possible, except for at the funeral service when I asked outright if she wanted to continue with the divorce.
> 
> ...


Makes total sense to me. I constantly battle when hearing from H. I contimplate do I respond or no. If I do am I reading to much into it? BUT if I don't my I ignoring his attempt to reach out? What if I am? What if he's trying to reach out and I ignore him? 

It sucks something major I really do understand what you mean. I try to think of it this way. Key word is TRY. Doesn't always work because I to want a reconcilliation now or in the future.

Anyway I try to tell myself if you ignore him this time if he's truely trying to reach out he won't give up after being shot down once. That's how I keep my sanity. Sometimes it works for me and I ignore him other times I'm like hey, how are you? And hope for more. Somtimes I get it and sometimes I don't. 

You're doing a good job. Baby steps.

Hugs
Rhea


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

After another hard Sunday I'm back to negotiating with myself. I keep thinking that she may want to try and reach out but feels that she has done too much damage and is afraid to reach out again. I know this isn't rational thought at this point and I have to continue NC with her but it's just hard to think that maybe she does want to reach out.

I guess that's stupid, because if she really did she would. The only thing is that the last time she reached out she said that she just didn't know how because she thought that I had moved on so she just tried to reach out. 

Looking for some direction on how I continue on this course. Do I just leave it alone or will there come a time when I have to make a decision to let her know that one of us needs to start the divorce process. Again i don't want that in the end and I'm not pushing it, but how long do you wait for something to happen?? It just seems so hopeless right now when there isn't any movement from either side and things just seem to be progressing towards the divorce. 

How long do you continue in this state? I'm not really moving forward with letting go, because I have my hopes and dreams with her. If she is already moving on which EVERY sign points to that why am I sitting her almost waiting for something to happen??

I'm getting a life and trying to be as positive and proactive as I can with my life, but I feel that without the divorce which again I don't want that I'm just sitting in limbo once again. 

Hope this makes sense just having another conflicted day with my emotions.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I'm at a point in this whole process where I feel that I'm coming to a breaking point. I miss her terribly as we all are missing our WS's. I'm just at a point where I feel I need to reach out and ask her if she is still wanting to move forward with filing. I haven't started the process and I'm pretty sure she hasn't either. 

The last communication I received from her was on my birthday last Thursday when she txted me "Happy Birthday Sweets!". I'm just having the hardest time moving forward with all this because I don't feel like she has clearly said yes move forward with filing. If she does want to file I'm going to request that she starts the process. She wants the divorce she can go through the headache of handling all the paperwork.

There's just silence from both sides and part of me wants to continue NC and leave it alone and let her realize that the grass isn't greener on the other side, but the other part of me wants to reach out and see where she is with her feelings with all this so we can both really move forward if that's what we have to do.

There is part of me that thinks that she doesn't want to reach out because what happened the last time when she realized that she was confused and got cold feet when we started talking about it all. She might just be afraid of what I would say if she tried to reach out. I know that sounds pretty weak form my side of things.

I really would love to hear everyone's advice on this one that would like to chime in. It's been an extremely hard time dealing with the loss of my closest friend and also the loss of my W. I'm just lost as to what my next step should be. 

Forgive me for being all over the place for my last few posts, but it's been very difficult lately.

I would like to request counseling to her and or see where she is at with everything.

Thanks again for all the advice that you all provide it helps me a ton!


----------



## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Sinatra, 

You've been through all of this longer than I but I know what you mean about dealing with things. I was sorry to hear about your best friend. 

As you know - one day at a time. Agape love is where I'm at with my w. I don't expect anything in return from here while I work on improving myself. I know she is working on herself.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I recognize how difficult all of this can be. The emotional up's and down's take a toll.

But ... it appears one of the core issues still remains in play. You are leaving what happens, completely in her hands. That isn't good for either of you. She may _not_ know what she wants.

What's your rush?
I recognize that this will sound harsh - but the same thing was said to me.
Forcing a premature outcome won't make it hurt less. However, knowing what the outcome is going to be, and neither party acting on it will certainly over time, make it hurt a whole lot more.

Do you have any sense if she is seeing someone else?

Best recommendation I can make would be to request that she goes to marriage counseling with you, starting in August (or future date of your choice). If she declines, then you can inform her that based upon her decision, _you_ will move forward with the divorce. If that is too big a step for you, and she doesn't want to go to MC, then asking her why she hasn't pulled the trigger is a legitimate question.
As long as there is a plan, and you are both onboard with it - I don't think it much matters what you do.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hey sinatra, here's my two cents. Ask her to go to marriage counseling, if she doesn't go (like my nj) then you have your answer. If she is not going to put effort into saving the relationship then you need to start moving forward and file for a divorce. I have continued to go to counseling for six months alone, now it hasn't helped my marriage but it certainly has helped me as an individual.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I decided against reaching out to her. I've been doing really well with moving forward but have been dealing with some emotions lately that I'm having a hard time processing and letting go of. 

I think it would be hard for her to save face from everything that has happened if she was thinking of reaching out or coming back.

The weekends are still the hardest as everyone knows. Even when I have things planned and try to stay busy. I was thinking over the weekend that I miss the physical attention of a woman. I know I could probably have that with someone else if I really wanted to, but I think I'm not really ready for that and I would be missing my wife that much more wishing it was her. Then when I woke up this morning my mind was racing and I was thinking how long my W put up with the lack of love physical and emotional from me and I'm racked with guilt again. My heart is telling me to write her an email saying that I'm sorry for neglecting you for so long and that I really understand some of the pain that you where feeling since I'm experiencing a lot of that same pain now. 

I know that the recommended action would be to stay NC because she would reach out to me if she was wanting to give it a chance. I'm just feeling that I really didn't allow her a safe way back if she wanted to reach out. I know that if there is another man in the picture it's all a moot point. She never has admitted to having another man, but I don't think she would be able to continue this no contact without the support of another man. I'm sure this feeling will pass, but I've had this urge to reach out since she contacted me for my birthday just to let her know that I'm sorry for the way she was neglected.

Most of the crying and the intense pain has passed. I've adjusted my life to living alone with my pups and am really just dealing with a lot of loneliness and missing the love of a woman at this point.

What do you all think about all this? I've been really solid with NC, but I guess I'm just breaking a little and just so curious if she is having some doubts about going through with this. That's probably the sole reason for these thoughts. I know that I may never know anything about her and how she's feeling again, but still throwing it out there to you all. I know I have repeated myself over and over again and I wanted to thank everyone for their patience with me.

She is not my sole source of happiness, obviously I have found happiness with my self and friends and other things. Just still wanting to be with her after all this.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask her to coffee, share what you have felt, ask if she would be open to marriage counseling. 

If she says no to coffee, or like sirch indicates, she says no to counseling; you can assume that she isn't really interested in reaching out or reconciling.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I know you mentioned it earlier Deejo that the less I reach out to her the better chance it is for reconciling. Do you think things are at a different place now that there really hasn't been any form of contact from her except a Happy Birthday Sweets comment since my friend passed away? Is it just me in denial with how things are really heading towards a divorce? Again thanks for everyone's patience.


----------



## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Look Sinatra start taking control of your own destiny. If she doesn't want to be with you then fine (i know it hurts but only for a short time) let her grow old alone. Go see your attorney and move forward. Again find yourself some professional help like a counselor to see you through this process. Stop living in limbo, it serves no purpose other than misery. Trust me I know, been living there for six months. I too had hopes of reconciling and repairing my marriage, sadly one person cannot mend a marriage it takes two.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I think I'm just driving myself nuts just sitting her in limbo for sure. It's like I'm in complete denial at this point and just can't bring myself to file. I know I could it's not that expensive to file and I just think that she's waiting for me to do it anyways. I still think that sending her an email and asking where she is with everything so that I feel a little better about moving forward with everything and not thinking that maybe she still has feeling for me is something that I feel that I need to do. 

I'm at a place now that I know I will be ok once I get past the pain. I have a ton to offer someone and I know I will find some sooner rather than later. I guess my limit has been reached and there's not much more of the possible limbo that I can take. I mean really she has given me no sign whatsoever to think that she may have feelings for me anymore. It's just obvious that I'm not moving on and letting go myself.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

sirch said:


> Look Sinatra start taking control of your own destiny. If she doesn't want to be with you then fine (i know it hurts but only for a short time) let her grow old alone. Go see your attorney and move forward. Again find yourself some professional help like a counselor to see you through this process. Stop living in limbo, it serves no purpose other than misery. Trust me I know, been living there for six months. I too had hopes of reconciling and repairing my marriage, sadly one person cannot mend a marriage it takes two.


Couldn't say it any better, or agree any more.


----------



## hopethingsworkout (Jun 17, 2009)

sinatra said:


> I think I'm just driving myself nuts just sitting her in limbo for sure. It's like I'm in complete denial at this point and just can't bring myself to file.
> 
> I'm at a place now that I know I will be ok once I get past the pain. I have a ton to offer someone and I know I will find some sooner rather than later. I guess my limit has been reached and there's not much more of the possible limbo that I can take. I mean really she has given me no sign whatsoever to think that she may have feelings for me anymore. It's just obvious that I'm not moving on and letting go myself.


I've been browsing your post and figured I should add my 2 cents. I'm in a veeerrry similar situation as yours - separated for the second time in the past year. 4 months now in limbo since March 09 - wife not knowing what she wants and she's been having an emotional affair with another man for over a year. Similar in the neglect aspects as well. To be honest in looking at the thread here, I would be highly suspicious that there is another man in her life - not sure but just sayin.....

I've done the following to deal with this crap - filled up my schedule almost every night by getting out - improv classes, running clinics, spanish class. Made tons of changes to better myself, educated myself many ways on better "relationship skills", read through forums, read books. My 2 outcomes are:

1) She files for divorce. I am never giving up and filing on my end - I want to walk away if it comes to that knowing that I tried everything to try to save the marriage and not having regrets. This means living in limbo in terms of the relationship but I've learned to accept that for now -it sucks but that's the decision I'm going with.

2) With time, patience, forgiveness, and a lot of other stuff she decides to re-commit to the marriage.

Fortunately outcome #2 is slowly becoming more of a reality for me but it's surely been a roller coaster ride with many twists and turns and times where I thought it was all over. Lately she has been calling me, we've been meeting up, going on "Dates" and she has sometimes been staying overnight with me.

things that have helped in my sitch:
-try to be her best friend if at all possible
-don't talk about the relationship as it puts pressure on and pushes her away
-any interactions with her try to appear positive, confident and have a sense of humor. It's hard but the reality is that she's not going to be attracted to someone who is sad, depressed, whiney, etc.

I feel for you there and I know it's tough but in my case I'm a believer of "it ain't over til it's over."


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

So let me see if I can keep this update relatively short, but the hope is now completely gone and out of my situation. I've been trying to get my house refinanced this month and it's taken a few weeks. Anyway yesterday the mortgage company called and said that everything is going through, BUT they need one more thing for the file to be completely processed. You guessed it they need a copy of my wife's credit to be on file since it's the state of Texas and it's community property. 

So I emailed her yesterday and kept it very business like and asked her if she would contact the mortgage company to give them permission to run her credit. I was as nice as I could be and just said that I appreciate her doing that. So she emailed me back today and said that she's doing ok and that she's stressed and things are very hectic. She said that she's confused as to why I'm doing this before we've discussed our situation with an attorney. She said that she knows in the state of Texas anything to do with the house is split 50/50. So that concerned me right off the bat. She said that she wants to keep it fair and that she understood why I'm trying to refinace. Then she goes into how broke she is and barely making ends meat. She asked if I had contacted an attorney and if I was being advised by him, she would have contacted one but she can't afford it. She tells me that she needs to come and get the rest of her stuff and goes on listing everything that she needs to come and pickup. Tells me again that she's running herself ragged and is completely stressed. She says that she's going through this transition with me and her work and that she's very stressed with it all. She then asks if she can have more money. She reiterates that she just hopes that I understand and that I will be fair. Then at the end of the email she says that the last time she saw me that I looked amazing! 

I called her so we can just hash this stuff out. I had to explain to her that I was refi'ing the house so that I can keep the house with lower payments and not too sell it. I asked her if she was wanting half of the house and she gave me some answer like not really I just knew what the law is and wasn't sure if a lawyer told you to do that. I said that there is no equity in the home and there's nothing to get and that I haven't contacted an attorney because I can't afford to at this time. She then tells me the estimated value that's on zillow which she wouldn't have known to look there unless someone advised her to go there (architect boyfriend is what I'm thinking, could be wrong). I just let her know that I hope things will go as smoothly as possible. I was being very nice and trying to play it as cool as I could. She then went into talking about her job and the other possible wine bar that she's going to work at but can't because her friend the owner can't pay her right now. We talked for 30 or so minutes about her work and my work and stuff and really it was her doing most of talking about herself and her not really caring about what is going on with me. The biggest thing that I noticed was the lack of emotion that she had for me while she was on the phone. I explained to her that I'm not in the financial position that she thinks that I am and that I really couldn't give her the money she was looking for. I asked her how much she was looking for and she said 2000$!! I said I just can't do that and she said well you don't have to pay me all at once. I reminded her that I gave her 3500 already and let her take half of everything in the house and didn't mention anything about how I cleaned up her credit and payed her student loan off of 3200 a month before she left.

So we ended the conversation by making arraignments for her to come and pick up the rest of her stuff on Monday. I then said ok so I guess I'm going to look into the divorce and see what we can do on our own? She said yes and didn't waiver. I didn't press anything with her but she didn't make me ever think that she was interested in anything different. I said ok and then we let each other go. I called her back just to let her know that I could meet her at the house on Monday because I have a doc appointment. She then questioned that I didn't trust her and got upset. I let her know that I trusted her but I was just wondering what she really wanted to get and that I could be there. She said just to leave the key to the gate and leave the stuff on the porch. I said that works and that have a good day.

I'm sorry if I'm all over the place. It's just a lot to process and get out in writing. I'm now ending this and filing as soon as possible. Going to either go the attorney route or the online route. I was really trying to do the NC and move on with my life, but that just wasn't possible with the refi situation. She's had every opportunity to turn this around and get out of the bad spot that she's put herself in. 

She also apparently talked with my step sister in May and told her that she just doesn't have any feelings for me anymore. I would have liked to know that last month!

Sucks that it looks like this chapter of my life is quickly coming to a close. It was already there but I had that hope in the back of my head. I would have left it alone for a while but I didn't have much of a choice if I wanted to keep my house and lower my payment. Didn't force this on her or try and push her to make a decision, simply trying to keep my home. 

I of course welcome all the support that you all provide because it's here and I will be filing next week.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Any support right now from you guys would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i think this: it ain't over til its over. whatever she told your stepsister is just that. if she's not telling you that, there's a reason. keep doing the right things now. and maintain hope. tell her you still have hope. tell her why you have hope. maybe she'll begin to show emotion towards you. good luck man.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

I wish I could agree, but it's over. It has the possibility of getting nasty very quickly. She is struggling to pay her bills and sees me a way to get what she wants from my house. I would love to stay hopeful but it's time to move forward and protect myself at this point.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

This is exactly why it becomes so important to focus upon yourself, what you want, what you need, what you will tolerate.

Her wanting more money doesn't have to mean that things get ugly - but you will be better served if you are prepared for that possibility.

I strongly urge you to go talk to an attorney. Not necessarily be in a rush to file, but get information. Any attorney worth their salt is going to give you a free consultation, and be a font of information - because they want to earn your business. You can find out what you are and aren't responsible for - and what the status of the house will be. 

Recognize as well, that it is entirely possible that neither of you can afford to get divorced using attornies. Mediation is significantly, and exponentially cheaper. I think you are aware that this is the route that my ex and I have taken. If you each want to maintain a modicum of dignity and respect for one another, you have far more control and flexibility over what happens.

The mixed messages are likely to continue - ours did. It's difficult and it hurts. It appears that she hasn't really thought things out on her end either - but what is apparent, is that despite the hardships she now faces, she has not asked you to consider reconciling. Leave out the inuendo, comments to other people, and mixed messages. She has not said, or hinted at, "I miss you and I want to come home." 

As it stands right now, you aren't obligated to give her _anything_. I can understand not wanting to see your spouse come to any harm, but based upon the path you are on, and the choices she has made - it is certainly not up to you to solve her problems. You are trying to solve your own, and that is plenty enough to be worried about.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Not that this is too much of a suprise but it was confirmed that my wife has herself a boyfriend for a while now. Not that i'm shocked by this it's still pretty hard to hear when she's been manipulating me to get money. I'm preparing for a fight with my house as well. This woman has never contributed a thing to paying bills for 2 years even though i was happy to do it she leaves me when I need her the most. Whatever beating a dead horse. 

Talked with an attorney and I'm meeting with him on Monday. My problem is I have to communicate to her that the best and cheapest route for us both is to agree to go our seperate ways with what we currently have and then file. Any suggestions on how to best approach this? I was going to email her and try to help her come to her senses on the divorce. My next option is to just got straight to the attorney and have him draw the papers up and have her served. I just think that will be expensive if she doesn't agree with things and refuses to sign the papers. That could be an expensive issue for sure. 

What does everyone one think. I have confirmed she has a boyfriend while still being married but it Texas so doesn't matter I'm sure. 

Let me know what you all think is the best approach at this point. 

Not sure if mediation is going to be an option.


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

My wife emailed last night and is calling the mortgage company so that I may process my refi. She also said that she has thought more about it and she wants to continue with the divorce. She doesn't have any idea that I know about her boyfriend. I'm not letting her know that I know until the divorce is final. I'm going today to give the money to my attorney and having him file this week. There's a 60 day waiting period so in about 60-70 days I will be divorced. 

It's bitter sweet at this point because I still love the woman even though I know her true colors and she's been lying to me this entire time about what her intentions are. This whole experience has been one that will stay with me for a very very long time and I don't think I will ever forget the pain even though I know it will get easier. She told me in the email that she loves me and always will, still playing on my emotions which angers and hurts me at the same time. 

I get the house and she is coming today to pick up the rest of her stuff that I put out on the back porch. We are going to sell our scooters and split the money. All the memories of the past 5 years are stuck in my head and hard to let go of. Trying to look towards the future and what it has to offer.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You are going to get through this. The most difficult of lessons are often the ones we learn the most from.

I learned plenty ...

It's ok for you to hurt. It's ok for you to love her. It's ok for you to forgive her. It's ok for you to be mad as hell at her.
There is no timeline for any of those emotions to change, other than trusting that time itself, will change them. It does. Trust me.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

hopethingsworkout said:


> things that have helped in my sitch:
> -try to be her best friend if at all possible
> -don't talk about the relationship as it puts pressure on and pushes her away
> -any interactions with her try to appear positive, confident and have a sense of humor. It's hard but the reality is that she's not going to be attracted to someone who is sad, depressed, whiney, etc.


i've had 3 seperate counselors say the same things. i've implemented all the above. nothing could be more true. great post!


----------



## sinatra (Apr 6, 2009)

Just a quick update. Things have been great for me once I made the decision to truly let go and move on with my life. I have a couple of dates lined up already and should be filing next week for the divorce. The wife and I are just emailing to finalizing division of some of our stuff. She has decided to just go without any additional fight for the house or anymore money. 

We've actually had some humor in our emails back and forth. I don't think she knows that I know about her boyfriend but I don't really care. I'm done with it and having some fun on my own now. Went to the Kid Rock show last night with some friends and that was pretty cool. I'm not trying to say that there isn't anymore hurt or some pain, but it's so much more bearable and I'm not living in the past like I was. The mornings are still a little difficult but they pass quickly. 

I have a few attractive cool women that I'm talking with. Taking it all slow but a little company is what I need at this point. 

Wanted to thank everyone again for being there and reading all of my long posts. I'm going to hang around and hope to help others and proabably have some more updates as the divorce get's closer. 

To all having a hard time, please please hang on for yourself and yourself alone. YOU REALLY CAN'T FIGHT TO CHANGE SOMEONE ELSE!! You have to be able to let that person go and find a life for yourself. The sooner you make that decision the better you're going to be whatever happens. Please take that to heart I can't stress that enough. We all have (or at least I have) wasted months and months of our lives waiting on someone else to want to come back all of a sudden. 95% of the time it doesn't happen. 

Start loving yourself now!!


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Carpe Diem, baby.


----------

