# I need advice



## Soulsearchinggirl (Dec 31, 2014)

Hi! I just joined. Here is an outline of my marriage. I could really use some advice.

Married for 22 years and have two daughters (15 and 11).

I check off a lot on the "Are You Being Emotionally Abused" checklist. My husband is very hard to live with and has very diverse mood swings. He is mostly negative and angry all of the time. Although he self medicates with mj and then he is fine. He also has alcohol abuse issues. Drinks a lot by himself several times a week. His mood changes when he drinks and he is even worse to me when he is drunk. He treats me like he hates me and does this in front of our kids. He tries to discredit me and make me look like I am a bad person in front of my kids. He is always in competition with me to try to convince the kids that he knows better than me. I don't participate in this behaviour. I am a very passive person and I don't want to argue especially in front of the kids. He tries to make me out to be this horrible person to our kids but my kids are so amazing - they know this is not true. Our kids love both of us but we all walk on eggshells when he is raging which is quite often. He plays the victim. My 15 year old doesn't fall for this but my 11 year old feels sorry for him because he always complains about his awful life even though he has a great life. He complains about everything and especially me. He tells me to shut up and to mind my own business. He is very controlling. I could go on but I think you get the picture. The thing is, this started pretty much right after we got married. I saw disturbing signs of his abuse. I didn't understand why he was always getting so mad at me for something that I didn't do. At first, I would just do everything to try to make whatever better. Now, over the years, I have had to protect myself by simply detaching from him and carrying on with my life. I have a very busy life with working full time and then taking our kids to all of their extracurricular activities. He doesn't seem to have much luck finding work so has a lot of time on his hands which is not good. I live my life and my kids but I really don't like the person that my husband is. When I first got pregnant which was 16 years ago, I cried to a month because even at that time I was having serious thoughts that he was not the person I wanted to be with. But then we got preoccupied with our new wonderful child and then another one came and before you know it 22 years go by. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was so hard for me that I would never want my kids to go through what I did. But on the other hand, I have two daughters who see how badly he treats me and I know that this is not good either. I just want to do what is best for our kids. We have a big house and my husband sleeps and pretty much lives downstairs and me and our two daughters live upstairs. We haven't been intimate for several years. I must say that because we have such a big house, we can both live in it relatively peacefully but I feel so lonely and empty without having a person to love me. I see old people walking together holding hands and know that I will never have that. Can anyone give me any advice or share their thoughts. I just want the best for our kids.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

This is not easy to give advice on , though others may well have more to offer.

It sounds to me as though AA and/or treatment for depression might be called for here.

I assume he will not engage in serious discussion with you - that would be my first suggestion otherwise?

Is there anyone else he might listen to? Who you could recruit to help you get through to him?

Best wishes


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Seem to me he's more in tune with drugs and alcohol than a meaningful relationship with you or his children.

You can't force him to seek help if he feels he doesn't have a problem with it. What you can do though, is to seek your own help.

Go to one Al Anon meeting and it could change your life. 

I can't quote statistics but having a parent who smokes weed and drinks like a fish allows a child more apt to try those things as well.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

He needs help, plain and simple. The question is, how do you get him to realize that HE needs help. For a guy out of work on MJ and alcohol living in the basement raging tells me he is seriously depressed about where he is in his life. We men all grow up thinking we're all going to be rulers of the world and sports heros and then real life settles in. For many men, it's hard to take. The first step is self medication and then rage and then blame everything on everyone except yourself. I feel for you. I too had similar yet not quite as bad a problem with anger. Thankfully I woke up myself. My wife would detach just like yourself. One day I woke up and said WTF am I doing and went about changing myself.
He needs a wake up call.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Step 1
You need fighting rules. Make a list of things you don;'t like about your fights (in front of kids, anger, yelling etc etc). Go over it with him and tell him you are trying to create a healthy environment for you 2 to communicate. This is a MUST in a healthy relationship, without it......not much will happen. Agree on the list and have it in front of you when you talk.

Keep it cool is the name of the game. Without that, once anger/tension kicks in......both of you will make wrong decisions etc.

I've never made a good decision in anger...have you?

Step 2
Have a serious conversation with him about the state of your relationship. FOLLOW THE RULES ABOVE. If things get heated/anger/frustration kicks in....step away and come back when things are cool again. Also ask him what you can do better as a wife 

Express to him the state of your relationship (especially lack of intimacy, treatment, mood swings, drinking etc).

Tell him this needs to change right away. I would highly recommend putting alcohol to the side for good.....if MJ helps, that's fine.

Step 3 (this would be YOUR step only). Define how much longer you are willing to put up with this crap. Make a list of MUST HAVE changes and defines some timelines. Figure out which ones are deal breakers and also start thinking about if you are willing to leave or accept as is for rest of your life (I wouldn't). 

To sum it up, talk to him about the issues, ignore his words, WATCH his actions. If it doesn't change (give him at least few weeks/month or 2 while you document actions) give him a fair warning that you are thinking about divorce.

If that won't wake him up......nothing will > proceed to divorce.

Do not worry about your kids in all of this. They will be fine as long as you 2 stay involved in their life post divorce. Remember, TODAY they are learning REALLY BAD relationship dynamics, and to them what they see is normal (read: they will apply current environment to their relationship.....).

MEANWHILE, focus on your self and do your best. What was the last time YOU initiated intimacy? What was the last time you took your husband out. Key here is to always keep YOURSELF in focus. Make sure you do your best in the relationship (cause we already know it takes 2 to tango and I'm SURE you are playing your part in your marriage misery).

good luck


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

VERY good advice from DOF. It wont be easy, but it will work......one way or the other. Definitely keep in mind that you have two girls who are learning from you what is ok to live with. Do you want them growing up and marrying a man like your H is now? Or do you want them to be strong women who wont put up with garbage?

I am sorry you are here. You don't deserve to live like that. No one does.


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## Soulsearchinggirl (Dec 31, 2014)

Thank you for all of your advice I really appreciate hearing from both women and men on this. We tried marriage counselling twice. Once 12 years ago and then again two years ago. Both times he only went twice and then he wouldn't go anymore. There is absolutely no way of talking to him as he just rages and interrupts and I get pretty tongue tied when he is raging and just can't hold a conversation as he just rages and doesn't listen to me so I write him letters once in a while of things that bother me. As far as initiating sex goes, I have done this. I mean I thought it was unspoken rules that when the kids are gone that is just what is going to happen. But he already is into the beer is his excuse and things don't work properly so ... I have thought about alanon and someone else has suggested that so I might do that. We have a big house and economically speaking it works out because then both of us can share the household expenses. Has anyone every heard of married couples who live together and share expenses but just don't have a relationship and will this work? I know he is just unhappy with his life and needs to change things and I actually feel that if I left him it would do him some good and maybe force him to get a life but economically speaking, it would be a struggle to live on my own with my two kids. Anyway I really appreciate all of your advice and support and any other suggestions or advice would be great. <3


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think it is best to get the kids away from him if he is being detrimental to them. His behavior could be past onto them. Behavior is learned and he is a poor excuse of a father and husband. Not bashing him, but his actions are poor. The example he is setting is poor. He does need help, and I am sure once he sobers up, he will at least be a father again.

A toxic environment is a poor place to raise children. It will not give them the stability that they need. You should ask family for help if possible. If you and the kids leave him, it may give him a wake up call. usually people with addictions need to hit rock bottom before they can start the climb back up.

I do not believe an in house separation would work. He is still going to negatively affect the children if he acts out when they are around. Be truthful and tell him that to you the relationship is over. He is not being a husband and meeting your needs. If he cannot be a husband then it is no longer a marriage. A paper does not make a relationship and to you, you probably feel that way. He has more of an attachment to alcohol than he has to you as a wife. Detach, and save your mental energy. You do not want to be constantly rejected by him. If you do divorce him, I would be okay with it since he probably broke his vows to honor and cherish you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Soulsearchinggirl said:


> Thank you for all of your advice I really appreciate hearing from both women and men on this. We tried marriage counselling twice. Once 12 years ago and then again two years ago. Both times he only went twice and then he wouldn't go anymore.* There is absolutely no way of talking to him as he just rages and interrupts and I get pretty tongue tied when he is raging and just can't hold a conversation as he just rages and doesn't listen to me so I write him letters once in a while of things that bother me*. As far as initiating sex goes, I have done this. I mean I thought it was unspoken rules that when the kids are gone that is just what is going to happen. But he already is into the beer is his excuse and things don't work properly so ... I have thought about alanon and someone else has suggested that so I might do that. *We have a big house and economically speaking it works out because then both of us can share the household expenses. Has anyone every heard of married couples who live together and share expenses but just don't have a relationship and will this work? * I know he is just unhappy with his life and needs to change things and I actually feel that if I left him it would do him some good and maybe force him to get a life but economically speaking, it would be a struggle to live on my own with my two kids. Anyway I really appreciate all of your advice and support and any other suggestions or advice would be great. <3


My H works with 2 men ....a "living arrangement" similar to yours... with women...sharing a house ...but tend to have their own lives.. One is a divorced couple but still lives together, he is in the basement (I guess they get along well)....and the other was a couple who was divorced (he cheated on her earlier in the marriage) -then he remarried her so she could get his benefits a few yrs back, so she'd get his pension (they too are on good terms)....of course the situation is calmer over yours... as these men are not abusive, smoking weed & getting drunk..raging or even depressed.... it's more of a convenience / financial arrangement......

Your daughters have lived with this for 11- 15 yrs of their life... Do you & your girls talk about DAD, how do they feel, have they ever said "Mom why do you stay, Mom you deserve better?".. or do they feel this is NORMAL -having grown up with it ?



> *Soulsearchinggirl said* : I just want to do what is best for our kids. We have a big house and my husband sleeps and pretty much lives downstairs and me and our two daughters live upstairs. We haven't been intimate for several years. I must say that because we have such a big house, we can both live in it relatively peacefully *but I feel so lonely and empty without having a person to love me. I see old people walking together holding hands and know that I will never have that.*


 I know you started this thread caring what is best for your daughters... but it's so much about YOU too!!.. this is YOUR LIFE.. this wasn't how it was supposed to be... you have catered, made excuses carried this man all these years...while sacrificing your own happiness for your children...and HIM...

You are in mid life NOW.. it's coming to a head.. you don't want to be lonely and empty till your life is through, someday your girls will move on, find Boyfriends and have their own lives.. I think this would be such a lonely road to travel.. how does one remain faithful to someone so cold, absent and cruel, living downstairs.. his bottle his comfort, his companion at night... 

You deserve so much better.. If I was in your shoes.. I'd want my freedom from him.. Let the chips fall where they may, you deserve a shot at happiness..to love & be loved..


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you're in this situation. Been there, done that.

It's time to leave. His problems are way bigger than you can handle.

If you decide to leave, speak with domestic violence counselors to come up with a safe exit plan. Because he will go off the rails when he realizes you mean business and are really leaving him.

You are doing your children no favors by staying with him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Your husband sounds passive-aggressive and has problems with alcohol addiction. Look up "life with passive-aggressive husband" and I think you will have your answers.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He's not likely to change. 

Your kids having one great household with you after a divorce is far better than having one very bad household like it is today. Divorce may not be ideal, but in may be far better than what you currently have. Don't compare the ideal of a great married family with the less than ideal divorced family. Compare the realities, which are a terrible home for your kids today vs two homes after divorce, one of which will be yours and will be healthy.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

DoF said:


> Make a list of things you don;'t like about your fights (in front of kids, anger, yelling etc etc). Go over it with him
> 
> Have a serious conversation with him about the state of your relationship.
> 
> ...


I just took the main points to tell you how bad this advice is. You are going to rationalize with an alcoholic drug addict abusive husband to get him back in line? I'm guessing you missed the part about how well their attempt at marriage counseling went. And I'm guessing you never were/had to deal with an abusive husband.




DoF said:


> If that won't wake him up......nothing will


It won't.



DoF said:


> ...proceed to divorce.


THAT is "Step 1".

And let him see the divorce papers hanging on the refridgerator with a magnet, in that you and your kids will have packed your bags and be at your mom's/a friends house. "Sorry, I tried, but I just can't take it any more".

Shock and awe. That is the ONLY way an abuser MIGHT come to his senses. Trust me on this. I've lived (my version of) it.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I knew what my issues were but didn't really KNOW. I heard her complain about me but didn't really LISTEN. 

When I figured out she had emotionally left the marriage years earlier, I was crushed. The clarity was deafening in that one horrible moment. It killed me, but I am a better person for it today. NO WAY am I going to be the kind of person that drives away his family. I changed IMMEDIATELY. Didn't need to try.

She hasn't come back since. You probably won't either. But you need to share parenting duties with this man for the rest of your life, so you do have an investment in his mental well-being. Help fix him. And to do it, you need to crush him.

Shock and awe.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Soulsearchinggirl said:


> Hi! I just joined. Here is an outline of my marriage. I could really use some advice.
> 
> Married for 22 years and have two daughters (15 and 11).
> 
> I check off a lot on the "Are You Being Emotionally Abused" checklist. My husband is very hard to live with and has very diverse mood swings. He is mostly negative and angry all of the time. Although he self medicates with mj and then he is fine. He also has alcohol abuse issues. Drinks a lot by himself several times a week. His mood changes when he drinks and he is even worse to me when he is drunk. He treats me like he hates me and does this in front of our kids. He tries to discredit me and make me look like I am a bad person in front of my kids. He is always in competition with me to try to convince the kids that he knows better than me. I don't participate in this behaviour. I am a very passive person and I don't want to argue especially in front of the kids. He tries to make me out to be this horrible person to our kids but my kids are so amazing - they know this is not true. Our kids love both of us but we all walk on eggshells when he is raging which is quite often. He plays the victim. My 15 year old doesn't fall for this but my 11 year old feels sorry for him because he always complains about his awful life even though he has a great life. He complains about everything and especially me. He tells me to shut up and to mind my own business. He is very controlling. I could go on but I think you get the picture. The thing is, this started pretty much right after we got married. I saw disturbing signs of his abuse. I didn't understand why he was always getting so mad at me for something that I didn't do. At first, I would just do everything to try to make whatever better. Now, over the years, I have had to protect myself by simply detaching from him and carrying on with my life. I have a very busy life with working full time and then taking our kids to all of their extracurricular activities. He doesn't seem to have much luck finding work so has a lot of time on his hands which is not good. I live my life and my kids but I really don't like the person that my husband is. When I first got pregnant which was 16 years ago, I cried to a month because even at that time I was having serious thoughts that he was not the person I wanted to be with. But then we got preoccupied with our new wonderful child and then another one came and before you know it 22 years go by. My parents divorced when I was 16 and it was so hard for me that I would never want my kids to go through what I did. But on the other hand, I have two daughters who see how badly he treats me and I know that this is not good either. I just want to do what is best for our kids. We have a big house and my husband sleeps and pretty much lives downstairs and me and our two daughters live upstairs. We haven't been intimate for several years. I must say that because we have such a big house, we can both live in it relatively peacefully but I feel so lonely and empty without having a person to love me. I see old people walking together holding hands and know that I will never have that. Can anyone give me any advice or share their thoughts. I just want the best for our kids.


You don't deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. Drugs and alcohol do not explain all of that. And you are the main breadwinner so you are not financially dependent on him. Yes divorce can be hard on kids but so can living in this kind of emotional chaos. And your daughters are learning how a man treats a woman from your relationship. Have you contacted any domestic violence resources in your area? Emotional abuse is as bad as physical abuse and just as unacceptable. The phone number for the National Domestic Violence Line is 800 799 7233. Keep in mind, although there has been no physical abuse it can still be dangerous to leave. The most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is when she leaves. I would connect with domestic violence resources in your area to make a safety plan if that is something you want to do. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Take good care of yourself and be safe.


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## Soulsearchinggirl (Dec 31, 2014)

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your advice and support. 

I have made a plan to write out all of the things that I don't want to happen in the house (well upstairs where me and the kids live anyway) which will include no negativity towards me, raging, insults, intoxication, muttering under breath (which he does constantly), playing the victim and criticizing me for really unusual things to make me look bad in front of the kids, etc. I will then give this to him and see what happens. Like I said before ,there is absolutely no way to talk to him and have a calm discussion. I will also tell him that this has to happen to provide our kids with a physically and emotionally safe home for our kids.

I am also hopefully going to go to alanon and will let him know that I am doing this.

I will tell him that he needs to get help for himself so that he, me and the kids can be happy. 

If he can't do this, nI will tell him in my note that he needs to just keep to himself.

My kids would be devastated if we left this house that they are so attached to. I know that my 15 year old knows that our relationship is so wrong but my 11 year old feels so sorry for him because he does play the victim a lot.

Can anyone please tell me what I should and shouldn't tell my kids about him? My 15 year old knows he has problems and that is just the way it is. I have done a lot of debriefing. But I don't know what to tell my 11 year old. Should I tell her that he has a drinking problem and that he has problems with his mental state? I really don't want them to worry or scare them. If anything, in front of my kids I deal with his rages by just brushing them off as insignificant and that he is just moody so that they don't get too alarmed - meanwhile I am really hurting by it all.

Thank you again for all your advice. This really helps! Especially when you are being told that everything is your fault.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have an EAP program at work? Employee Assistance Program. It is totally free and totally confidential counseling. Your employer will never know you went, and the records of your visits are not reported anywhere. The number of visits per year varies by state, anywhere from 3 to unlimited visits.

I think you would get a lot of benefit from talking to a professional therapist. It would give you some good perspective and also get you connected to local support services.


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## Soulsearchinggirl (Dec 31, 2014)

No programs at work unfortunately. And a counsellor is $150 per hour. I will make a plan and stick to it. Give him the list of things that I don't want to have happen anymore so that the kids (and myself) can have an emotionally safe and stable place to live. If that doesn't work, then I will decide what to do next. Thank you everyone.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Soulsearchinggirl said:


> Thank you for all of your advice I really appreciate hearing from both women and men on this. We tried marriage counselling twice. Once 12 years ago and then again two years ago. Both times he only went twice and then he wouldn't go anymore. There is absolutely no way of talking to him as he just rages and interrupts and I get pretty tongue tied when he is raging and just can't hold a conversation as he just rages and doesn't listen to me so I write him letters once in a while of things that bother me. As far as initiating sex goes, I have done this. I mean I thought it was unspoken rules that when the kids are gone that is just what is going to happen. But he already is into the beer is his excuse and things don't work properly so ... I have thought about alanon and someone else has suggested that so I might do that. We have a big house and economically speaking it works out because then both of us can share the household expenses. Has anyone every heard of married couples who live together and share expenses but just don't have a relationship and will this work? I know he is just unhappy with his life and needs to change things and I actually feel that if I left him it would do him some good and maybe force him to get a life but economically speaking, it would be a struggle to live on my own with my two kids. Anyway I really appreciate all of your advice and support and any other suggestions or advice would be great. <3


Sounds like to me you are the one that takes care of everything already. So how does him being around help?


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## Sunshine30 (Jan 4, 2015)

Hi- can't figure out how to do a post.....any advice is appreciated..

I have been married for over 1 year and with my wife for about 3 years. I never wanted to get married to her. I don’t have sexual feelings for her. She is a great person and has a wonderful family. The type of family I could only hope for. So, I did what everyone else warns against doing- Settled. We do not have any children, yet she is pressuring me to start by the end of the month. I kept on hoping that maybe my feelings would change. I have also been working out and eating much better. I’m finding now, it is much easier to get the attention of women. Recently, I found myself flirting with an attractive woman. Eventually, we ended up going out for drinks. She is so attractive; I felt alive again. But, obviously it was the wrong thing to be involved with another woman who didn’t know that I was married. So, I told her that I was married. You know the result, she obviously wants nothing to do with me.
I have never felt so lousy. After so many train wreck relationships, I meet a beautiful woman that I connected with only to let her slip away because of my loveless marriage. I can’t stop thinking about her, but of course I know I have to leave her alone. I was falling for her and now I feel like my heart is shattered again.
I feel alone trying to navigate this situation. It is also not fair to my wife to lead her alone. My wife has given me an ultimatum to start a family at the end of the month. I know I can’t do that. 
Any advice anyone could offer would be much appreciated.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Soulsearchinggirl said:


> No programs at work unfortunately. And a counsellor is $150 per hour. I will make a plan and stick to it. Give him the list of things that I don't want to have happen anymore so that the kids (and myself) can have an emotionally safe and stable place to live. If that doesn't work, then I will decide what to do next. Thank you everyone.


Find a local chapter of Al-Anon. They are a support group for spouses, family and friends of alcoholics. You can get a lot of support and learn a lot form them. Also, it's free.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sunshine30 said:


> Hi- can't figure out how to do a post.....any advice is appreciated..
> 
> I have been married for over 1 year and with my wife for about 3 years. I never wanted to get married to her. I don’t have sexual feelings for her. She is a great person and has a wonderful family. The type of family I could only hope for. So, I did what everyone else warns against doing- Settled. We do not have any children, yet she is pressuring me to start by the end of the month. I kept on hoping that maybe my feelings would change. I have also been working out and eating much better. I’m finding now, it is much easier to get the attention of women. Recently, I found myself flirting with an attractive woman. Eventually, we ended up going out for drinks. She is so attractive; I felt alive again. But, obviously it was the wrong thing to be involved with another woman who didn’t know that I was married. So, I told her that I was married. You know the result, she obviously wants nothing to do with me.
> I have never felt so lousy. After so many train wreck relationships, I meet a beautiful woman that I connected with only to let her slip away because of my loveless marriage. I can’t stop thinking about her, but of course I know I have to leave her alone. I was falling for her and now I feel like my heart is shattered again.
> ...


Click on the link below. Once there you will see a button that says "New Thread" a the top left of the forum . Click on that and copy/past the above post to your own thread so that you can get the help you seek.


General Relationship Discussion

Oh.. .and leave your wife. Divorce your wife. The worst thing you could do for everyone is for you to have children with your wife. Just get a divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Soulsearchinggirl said:


> No programs at work unfortunately. And a counsellor is $150 per hour. I will make a plan and stick to it. Give him the list of things that I don't want to have happen anymore so that the kids (and myself) can have an emotionally safe and stable place to live. If that doesn't work, then I will decide what to do next. Thank you everyone.


He isn't going to do it. He's going to laugh at you and ramp up the bad behavior to put you back in your place. and he'll take it out on your kids. 

Stop expecting HIM to change. It doesn't work that way. 

YOU change and YOU stop accepting bad behavior. Tell him to start expecting consequences. Then, each time he yells or criticizes or whatever, take something of his and throw it out on the front lawn. Keep your phone in your hand so you can call the cops when he starts getting out of hand. Let him spend a night in jail to see you mean business.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I knew what my issues were but didn't really KNOW. I heard her complain about me but didn't really LISTEN.
> 
> When I figured out she had emotionally left the marriage years earlier, I was crushed. The clarity was deafening in that one horrible moment. It killed me, but I am a better person for it today. NO WAY am I going to be the kind of person that drives away his family. I changed IMMEDIATELY. Didn't need to try.
> 
> ...


MachoMan, this is what my counselor and friends have told me too. I have been divorced before and I know how ugly divorce is and how hard it is on the kids even as adults. I don't want that for the only child we share, or even the 4 older kids who would also feel the effects of our changed lives. I just am at my wit's end. I am exhausted from all the years of his very selfish behavior. My patience right now is low and I am not tolerating much. 

Every counselor I have been to has told me my husband is passive-aggressive, I have done alot of reading over the years and I have been able to apply much of what I have read with success but right now he is pulling stuff and when he does this I am not supposed to react, I do get that. For me though it is very hard. When I react it usually is not good but this is exactly what he wants and then he can criticize and blame me. I have been there time and time again. 

Yesterday I had to tell myself over and over not to react, let it go, walk away. It takes separating yourself emotionally from the excuses and the stab. If I tell him I am not going to listen to his excuses he gets all upset and tells me I am not listening to him. It become a vicious cycle of craziness.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

turnera said:


> He isn't going to do it. He's going to laugh at you and ramp up the bad behavior to put you back in your place. and he'll take it out on your kids.
> 
> Stop expecting HIM to change. It doesn't work that way.
> 
> YOU change and YOU stop accepting bad behavior. Tell him to start expecting consequences. Then, each time he yells or criticizes or whatever, take something of his and throw it out on the front lawn. Keep your phone in your hand so you can call the cops when he starts getting out of hand. Let him spend a night in jail to see you mean business.


I did call the police on him one time. He broke my finger in a drunken stupor. I had been talking to him about something and he walked away, typical of him walking away without a word like I wasn't even talking. At this point I had taken 15 years of being ignored like this (something I saw his dad do to his mom) so I went up to him and pulled on the back of his collar and told him to "never walk away from me again." He whipped around, this man is big and outweighs me by at least 75 pounds, grabbed my hand and just started twisting. Our youngest daughter was watching when this happened. I was kicking him screaming for him to stop, slugging him with my other hand, I was in pain. I heard this 'snap' and immediately my finger started swelling. I called the police and I left the house with my daughter. I called my mom and my grand mother, both tole me to stay and that I should not have grabbed my husband's collar. I was not in the house when the police arrived. The female cop came out and basically told me that my husband had marks on him that he could charge me with and that I needed to be careful with my accusations, that I am ruining my marriage. I figured he played it off well to her and convinced him that I had attacked him and my mother even felt that by pulling his collar I was the one that started the confrontation.

I left and spent 3 nights in a hotel and then went back. I asked my then 10 year old daughter what she saw and she saw it just as I described it here. First chance my husband had to be alone with my daughter I know he said something to her because later she told me that I attacked him.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Find a local chapter of Al-Anon. They are a support group for spouses, family and friends of alcoholics. You can get a lot of support and learn a lot form them. Also, it's free.


Thank you EleGirl, I do have the contact number. I just need to make the call.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Thebes said:


> Sounds like to me you are the one that takes care of everything already. So how does him being around help?


I do take care of everything, that is not the issue as far as me leaving. I know how to take care of all of this stuff. I do not have the income to support myself. We live nicely on my husband's income and I fear being on the social system and unable to pay my heat bill if I leave. I also will not have any health insurance which means purchasing health insurance and that's more money out of my pocket that I cannot afford. I also do not want to put our only blood child thru what the older four kids went thru, watching parents divorce, date and remarry, introducing step children and my own dealing with new steps. My (now) step kids hate me and have made it very known to their father and the rest of the family. That is not easy to deal with. Doesn't mean it will happen but at my age the likelihood of finding a man without children is slim. I have also looked to just see what it looks like out there and the options do not look good quite honestly.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am so sorry, I thought I was replying to my post and the people who had posted to me. I did not realize I highjacked SoulSearchingGirl's post. Disregard, I don't know how to delete the posts.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am always an advocate for communication. Sadly, in order for it to work, there must be rational thought from both parties. Usually when there is rational thought from both, these problems do not arise but if they do they can be dealt with by talking it out.

Having said that, I have to agree that, for people behaving irrationally, the only language they understand is consequences and pain. It is much the same as a young child in that reasoning with them is beyond their ability. Spanking they understand because it is consequences and pain.

Your H is displaying the attributes of a weak intellect, unable to cope and using drugs and alcohol as "medicine". This is a horrible example for your children and makes for an overall negative environment for everyone.

Please realize that if you do decide to use D as your tool of consequence that your H may agree and allow it to happen so be prepared for that eventuality. If that occurs you would then be able to start over and possibly find that soul with whom you can grow old.

The alternative is to stay and deal with the negative environment for an indeterminate amount of time, maybe forever. I applaud you for not wanting to put your children through D as it can be a traumatic event for them but the time will come, if it is not already here, where you will simply not be able to tolerate it any longer.

At least 7 years until your youngest is an adult and you could D with lesser consequences to the kids but the example they are currently learning from may do them more harm than sticking it out. Weigh your options carefully as there are other factors to consider such as financial, spiritual and so forth. A difficult decision to be sure. I wish the best for you and your family.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> I did call the police on him one time. He broke my finger in a drunken stupor. I had been talking to him about something and he walked away, typical of him walking away without a word like I wasn't even talking. At this point I had taken 15 years of being ignored like this (something I saw his dad do to his mom) so I went up to him and pulled on the back of his collar and told him to "never walk away from me again." He whipped around, this man is big and outweighs me by at least 75 pounds, grabbed my hand and just started twisting. Our youngest daughter was watching when this happened. I was kicking him screaming for him to stop, slugging him with my other hand, I was in pain. I heard this 'snap' and immediately my finger started swelling. I called the police and I left the house with my daughter. I called my mom and my grand mother, both tole me to stay and that I should not have grabbed my husband's collar. I was not in the house when the police arrived. The female cop came out and basically told me that my husband had marks on him that he could charge me with and that I needed to be careful with my accusations, that I am ruining my marriage. I figured he played it off well to her and convinced him that I had attacked him and my mother even felt that by pulling his collar I was the one that started the confrontation.
> 
> I left and spent 3 nights in a hotel and then went back. I asked my then 10 year old daughter what she saw and she saw it just as I described it here. First chance my husband had to be alone with my daughter I know he said something to her because later she told me that I attacked him.


So you're teaching your daughter to stay with abusers?

You shouldn't have grabbed him that way but he shouldn't have done what he did. But bottom line, you should have moved out to protect your daughter.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

AVR1962 said:


> I do take care of everything, that is not the issue as far as me leaving. I know how to take care of all of this stuff. I do not have the income to support myself. We live nicely on my husband's income and I fear being on the social system and unable to pay my heat bill if I leave. I also will not have any health insurance which means purchasing health insurance and that's more money out of my pocket that I cannot afford. I also do not want to put our only blood child thru what the older four kids went thru, watching parents divorce, date and remarry, introducing step children and my own dealing with new steps. My (now) step kids hate me and have made it very known to their father and the rest of the family. That is not easy to deal with. Doesn't mean it will happen but at my age the likelihood of finding a man without children is slim. I have also looked to just see what it looks like out there and the options do not look good quite honestly.


So you're attending school to get a degree to afford to support yourself? And no one is saying you have to remarry if you leave him. My mom didn't. And I thank her all the time for (1) not letting him come back home and (2) not dating while I was still growing up.


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