# Privacy in marriage???



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

This question was started due to comments from another poster's thread, but my question is what does it mean to have privacy in marriage? What is there to be private about? We may have been an exception (although I don't think so) but my wife and i used to walk in on each other during our even while using the restroom and it bothered neither of us. This started very early in our relationship so it wasn't hard. Other than that, what else should you not want your husband or wife to see or know about?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

We have privacy. It's not a big deal if we walk into the bathroom or whatever. We don't hide things from each other, but we don't tell each other everything either (concerning friends' issues, etc).

I'm not a private person. He somewhat is, although I'm not a pryer either so it works out.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

If a spouse has trade secrets or government intelligence clearance, then I would make that exception

Aside from that, what is there to not share?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> If a spouse has trade secrets or government intelligence clearance, then I would make that exception
> 
> Aside from that, what is there to not share?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my exact take on this issue. What is there that you cannot share with your husband or wife???


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sometimes you have to be very careful how you share e.g. no that doesn't make your ass look fat.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sometimes you have to be very careful how you share e.g. no that doesn't make your ass look fat.


Funny!!!:lol::lol::lol:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> This question was started due to comments from another poster's thread, but my question is what does it mean to have privacy in marriage? What is there to be private about? We may have been an exception (although I don't think so) but my wife and i used to walk in on each other during our even while using the restroom and it bothered neither of us. This started very early in our relationship so it wasn't hard. Other than that, what else should you not want your husband or wife to see or know about?


It`s not a matter of hiding things from your spouse.
It`s a matter of personal space.

I`m an artist, I don`t like anyone in my studio when I`m working as it dulls my train of thought/concentration.
I require privacy when I paint.

My wife does`t like defecating or urinating in the same room as another person.
She requires privacy for these functions.

I hate having other people running in and out of the bathroom in the morning when I`m trying to get ready for work.
I require privacy during this time.

I`m sure there are more reasons but these should suffice.

Edit:
So you really have no problem having your wife in the bathroom while you`re in the middle of an epic, loud, gaseous, stench creating dump?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

tacoma said:


> So you really have no problem having your wife in the bathroom while you`re in the middle of an epic, loud, gaseous, stench creating dump?


If she doesn't mind being there while doing it, then no. Not at all. There is no shame in my game, as they say.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> If she doesn't mind being there while doing it, then no. Not at all. There is no shame in my game, as they say.



That`s sooooo sexy!

:smthumbup:


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

tacoma said:


> That`s sooooo sexy!
> 
> :smthumbup:


So it's my fault she has been comfortable walking in on me??? NOT!


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

It all depends on the individual. If its fully disclosure on everything.. so be it, if it be privacy in the bathroom, so be it...

My no go zone:

My journals
My sketchbooks
Some aspects of my work
My bathroom time
My conversations with other people that have implicitly expressed that what has been discussed be held in confidence. The only caveat is if there is serious potential harm to another or illegal activity.

I will listen to any and all requests from H, about any of the above, it is my choice and right, what and if anything will be disclosed. I have shared much, some I will never.

However, he bypassed my request and snooped... you can imagine the result.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

tacoma said:


> It`s not a matter of hiding things from your spouse.
> It`s a matter of personal space.
> 
> I`m an artist, I don`t like anyone in my studio when I`m working as it dulls my train of thought/concentration.
> ...


I agree. It's not about privacy, it's about space and a little breathing room. I'm divorced, so I certainly can't say that worked and push it as the way to go, but that's how we were.

We always shared the bathroom when getting ready and thought nothing of being naked as j-birds while doing it, but watching each other take a dump just wasn't our idea of normalcy or romance. We always wanted a few minutes of peace there.

I've always seemed like a private person, and I suppose I am, I'm an introvert, but it was never for a reason other than that. 

There was nothing we wouldn't tell each other if we asked, there were no "secrets," but I didn't yak my head off about every second of my day automatically.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

marksaysay said:


> If she doesn't mind being there while doing it, then no. Not at all. There is no shame in my game, as they say.


LOL I would not want to be in the bathroom when my husband was pooping, nor he in with me.

Just because you're married, doesn't mean you need to share those things

Even our baby would go behind the couch and poop in her diaper. People want privacy for that.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

we dont hide things, we dont have unhealthy secrets. like SA, we brush teeth, use mouth wash, and use the bathroom [#1] in front of the other.

we both can go and read a book one was reading, if someone is writing, its a known-known to have courtesy and be asked. in our house, its rude to ask what for dinner if you werent told...and its fun to guess, and to guess the seasonings.

we keep the mystery with not telling what movies we are going to watch, or a treat from the store.

but nothing is off limits for us. prob because if you want to know, just ask, or just look. i usually dont just be all up in his stuff with out a good reason, or telling him, im going to read your comic books, or leaf through your magizine.

the one golden rule is, if its "mine" then "i" read it first. if its been sitting around, and the person it belongs to had chances to read it, then the other person can read it, but not talk about it yet.

i can go in his pockets, and he can go in mine. i can check his cell phone call history, and he can my phone's call history. we have passwords for e-mail, and facebook, and i have a notebook with every password for every free thing i get, and site and additional e-mails, all in it in order, written clear.

i leave it out all the time. my phone is unlocked, his phone is unlocked.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

The normal things to be private about---can be kept private----IMHO---it's about hiding things

If one has to hide things then something is wrong in the mge

If one wants that kind of privacy they should have stayed single


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W and I both have our "private" things, but we never tell each other everything, because frankly, we don't ask. Why? Because we would bore each other to death. We know each others passwords to all our fave websites, and if she ever wanted to look in mine, she can be my guest-they're almost all scale model building sites, anyway. Just as I have a "man cave" (I call it the lab, where many of my dreams become realities, and some of my realities have become dreams!), anyone is welcome, just as long as you don't disturb my current projects.

But at the same time, we both know that we each need "alone time", and we don't disturb each other while we're there.

Now, when people in marriages start to hide things (affairs, secret credit cards, e-mails from that old lover, etc...), and then start to scream "you're invading my privacy", then that's where I stop respecting "privacy".

So, no, I don't think "privacy" (i.e., "secrecy") has anyplace in a marriage.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think it depends on the views of each individual. 

I respect my husbands privacy because he needs that, that is the person he is. He likes to have his man activities and an area to call his own. 

I think this is consistent with a healthy relationship, however, it's absence does not indicate the opposite. 

I dont like porn but my husband watches and I do not make it my concern, he is high drive and masturbates frequently and I would not dream of monitoring his private activities with his body. 

I think of privacy as a right to some autonomy. On the other hand, secrets are damaging to relationships, i think. We have no secrets, we just have activities that are we don't share and that works for us. My posting on this forum is no secret but it is private like a journal. I have discussed it with my husband as i should. He can look at any time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tacoma said:


> It`s not a matter of hiding things from your spouse.
> It`s a matter of personal space.
> 
> I`m an artist, I don`t like anyone in my studio when I`m working as it dulls my train of thought/concentration.
> ...


I am pretty much a full transparency person. 

Exceptions:

1) Using the restroom. Showering together though is great.

2) Well I see your point on wanting to do your thing painting. So in that same vein sure there are times when I like to be able to focus on things by myself. I have never really viewed it as privacy per se, only because I am not keeping it secret from her. But I do think this is a valid point.

3) Obviously you keep secret thing that you must do so legally. i.e. you don't provide your spouse with passwords to your work systems or proprietary inforation and so on. That is just silly though.

I do think what people mean anyway has to do with keeping secrets from one another.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

I'm an introvert and grew up with a very broad notion of personal space, so I like a fair bit of privacy. I may be half of a couple but I am still an autonomous being.

Definitely in the bathroom! I don't want to see it, and I want privacy for my own bodily functions. I'm not sure I could even manage to go if someone was there watching me -- what do they call that? Shy bladder? Anyway, I remember a friend long ago talking about the breakdown of her marriage and saying how watching him take a s*** every morning for the past 10 years had killed the romance and the love, and I guess that stuck with me. I've heard a few times since then that a little (benign) mystery is good within a relationship.

I also draw the line at letting him read correspondence from others that was intended for my eyes; I'm not going to breach someone else's confidentiality. And I work in a confidential environment so my work cell is off limits, as is a lot of the "shop talk".

But I'll freely hand over my personal cell... knock yourself out going through my contact list or my texts... the only danger is dying of boredom.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So based on the responses, most people make a distinction between secrecy and privacy. I can understand wanting to have space for letting your creative juices flow. I can understand maintaining confidentiallity due to ones profession and such. But are 'space' and 'privacy' the same. 

As a minister, I need space and alone time as I prepare sermons. I guess I really never thought it to be 'privacy'. I call it 'alone time with God'. Maybe that is privacy. But it has never been an issue with me hiding the reason for this 'space'. I also understand keeping the secrets of those who have confided in you. Again, I don't call that privacy. Maybe I'm wrong.

Webster defines privacy as the state of being free from intrusion or disturbance in one's private life or affairs. Based on this definition, I still question whether privacy belongs in marriage. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have extremely high boundaries between my personal life and my professional life. Don't ask, I won't tell you, I won't share anything or talk about it. Deal with it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What about this very forum?

How many spouses keep this place as their private sounding board for advice and support ?

For a great many here this place is a "private" one, hell it may even be a "secret".

I see nothing wrong with that


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My W knows I come here, but she doesn't pursue.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

TwoDogs said:


> I'm an introvert and grew up with a very broad notion of personal space, so I like a fair bit of privacy. I may be half of a couple but I am still an autonomous being.
> 
> Definitely in the bathroom! I don't want to see it, and I want privacy for my own bodily functions. I'm not sure I could even manage to go if someone was there watching me -- what do they call that? Shy bladder? Anyway, I remember a friend long ago talking about the breakdown of her marriage and saying how watching him take a s*** every morning for the past 10 years had killed the romance and the love, and I guess that stuck with me. I've heard a few times since then that a little (benign) mystery is good within a relationship.
> 
> ...


You sound very much like me. I wonder if some people sharing the bathroom while taking a dump is just something they think close, married people would do, in other words, no secrets! At the same time, however, it doesn't really float their boat, they just do it. 

If my x wife had been sick and needed help on and off the toilet, and I had to wipe and flush for her, that would have been ok with me under the circumstance. But to share toilet activities as a common thing just seems weird to me. My question would be "why"? Our house had two bathrooms, so why would we need to do that. We liked some privacy.

As stated before, I am an introvert who enjoys personal space in all aspects of life, it's not just something I invented for marriage. Sometimes attitude plays a part too. If someone is truly interested in things I do, that's ok, but to stand over my shoulder every time I post a comment about Marshall Dillon on the "Classic TV Show" site just to be nosy doesn't do it for me. 

I suppose I have certain beliefs that appear private, but it's more of a way of life for me. I remember Johnny Carson once saying that someone asked him how much he payed for his home and he told them, "none of your business." He said it was because he was from a small town where people just didn't talk about such things. I'm the same way.

I also don't open other people's mail or want them to open mine.
I remember being in my early 20s still at home and my mom opened a piece of my mail and my dad told her that you don't open other people's mail. It was the same in my marriage. If my wife got a letter from her workplace with only her name on it, it was her place to open it, not mine, it was her business. 

that may sound weird to some people, but that's just my silly ways.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Even our baby would go behind the couch and poop in her diaper. People want privacy for that.


Heehee . . . does your baby have a TAM account so she can weigh in on this topic?? 

I think I'm done with it . . .


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

jayde said:


> Heehee . . . does your baby have a TAM account so she can weigh in on this topic??
> 
> I think I'm done with it . . .


Speaking of that, that is another difference in my in-laws. When they had young children and they needed a change, they would just do it in the middle of the floor or wherever they happened to be. If they were visiting or at home, it didn't matter. I even saw a change on the kitchen table once.

When we had kids, someone bought us a changing table. Someone in her family said, "Oh, you'll never use it." But we did. I always changed my babies on their changing table away from others.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Incidentally, the guy in Michigan whose exW had him arrested for reading her e-mails is going to have an appeal granted. Sure will be interesting to see how this turns out.


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## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

What about the issue of phones?

My husband is so private with his and takes it everywhere..he has a code on it which I don't know...is there a reason to be suspicious?

Thoughts?


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

babykins said:


> What about the issue of phones?
> 
> My husband is so private with his and takes it everywhere..he has a code on it which I don't know...is there a reason to be suspicious?
> 
> Thoughts?


Yes and moreseo if there are things going on such as change in appearance, staying out later, change in routines, etc.

Not trying to freak you out but you don't log onto a site like this unless you've got more thoughts than your husband clinging to his cell phone.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

My view on privacy it clear. If there is EVER a time I want to see something and it's hidden or delayed in order for meto see it I'd be done right there on the spot. 

So in marriage, in this day and age with electronic communication the idea of privacy is a farce. Keep a written diary if you want private. Electronic communication is open book.

Someone brought up TAM as "secret". I don't tell her I am on here but she saw me reading it one day and asked and I told her it's a marriage website. She didn't press further but would have gladly told her anything she wanted to know. For all I know she reads it as would not be that hard to put 2+2 together. Better to get some anonymous advice than from some confidant that she may not like and create bad blood. Nobody here has skin in the game so opinions are easy to accepts here....

I'd gladly share everything I wrote with my the woman I love even if some of it stung her. I don't believe in secrets/privacy in marriage. My whole life and financial future is at stake and if I have doubt, I'm gonna ask and look Johnny on the spot.


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## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

no change in appearance as he's actually gained heaps of weight...he doesnt go out nor does he stay late back at work so thats not an issue for me..

it does however play with my mind how someone can be soo secretive about something with their other half yet constantly be on it texting or taking calls outside!

yes i did come on this site because of my insecurities but he keeps telling me that im the only one that can deal with them instead of saying ill help your insecurities out by being more open with my phone so you see nothings going on..its bad to think but im very suspicious and dont know how to go about it..dont know if i let it be and see if he changes or what!


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

babykins said:


> no change in appearance as he's actually gained heaps of weight...he doesnt go out nor does he stay late back at work so thats not an issue for me..
> 
> it does however play with my mind how someone can be soo secretive about something with their other half yet constantly be on it texting or taking calls outside!
> 
> yes i did come on this site because of my insecurities but he keeps telling me that im the only one that can deal with them instead of saying ill help your insecurities out by being more open with my phone so you see nothings going on..its bad to think but im very suspicious and dont know how to go about it..dont know if i let it be and see if he changes or what!


Taking calls outside? Red flag. Sorry.

If this were me I would demand immediate access at a suprise time. Say you value the marriage and want to get to the bottom of it.


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## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

This thread is cracking me up...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> This is my exact take on this issue. What is there that you cannot share with your husband or wife???


I agree completely. There should be no level of secrecy in a marriage, if there is, that's where you get into problems.


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## razgor (May 8, 2014)

traveler247 said:


> This thread is cracking me up...


LOL, me too! Married or not I want some darn privacy in the bathroom! Fortunately, that is not an issue in my marriage.

Same goes if I am working from home and taking important calls for work!

To me the bigger issue is really about letting your spouse know WHO you are communicating with and how often. Hiding who you are talking to is an issue. I certainly do not want to read all my wife's texts to her girlfriends! There just is not enough time in the day, LOL. But I should be able to pick up and look at the wifes phone at any time. 

Just like I should be able to look at her bank account statement or other things.

Locked phones, computers or hidden bank records are all red flags in a marriage. You should know the passwords to all accounts and devices.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Interesting topic.... and what's even more interesting is when should trans[arenacy start?

I got involved with my future husband while he had unfinished business which he classified as "just friends." At some point I decided that even before marriage and even before cohabitation, if someone expects you to stop dating other people and to coordinate your free time with them (or at least be transparent about what you are doing when apart) well, buddy, for these kind of demands you have to give me full transparency in return.

I remember in my first marriage when times were good, how (pleasantly) surprised I was when my husband asked me to answer his cellphone. Well, it was the 90s, and they were still very new..... so no etiquette established on them at that time.

I come from a big family so privacy was a scarce commodity. Siblings seemed to get points for tattle telling. So it was hard for me to see that there are some things about life partner that I should know and should keep tabs about.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There are several issues here. Bathroom / dressing privacy. Phone / communication privacy. Journal Diary privacy. financial privacy. And latest tattle telling.

Generally I think couples can decide what levels they are comfortable with. I just would add this caveat Intimacy brings intimacy. If you are not feeling close you probably have too much privacy.

Now stories. My best bud in high school had an unusual tradition. I don't know when or where it started but he and his wife had the family cottage for their first 1-3 months. While living there they had an open door policy. Every door inside the house was left open. Seriously. So much that when I popped ove3r to drop off my wedding announcement he had to go close the bathroom door before he could invite me into the house. His bride was showering.

We cured our kids of tattling by refusing to seriously consider any tattle they told. Instead of the accuser getting points, the accused got a free pass if someone tattled. They would come in to tell a tale and I'd just turn to my wife and say "sounds like someone is farting in my ear." Pretty soon we only heard about it if someone was in danger.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

I am really trying to think what privacy Hmmmm.

Well, I really would not want to be in the toilet when my husband is having a crap, because he really does stink!!! and i mean smelling it from the living room stink Yuck.

When were having a bath not bothered really, I am forever walking in on my husband.

Phones, I know where my husbands is as its always put in the same place and mine is also put in the same place. He would not mind me going down it, but i have no reason to. Some people are always on their phones taking them everywhere with them, Not us we rarely use our mobiles.

Not really in need of any privacy really, but everyone is different.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Now stories. My best bud in high school had an unusual tradition. I don't know when or where it started but he and his wife had the family cottage for their first 1-3 months. While living there they had an open door policy. Every door inside the house was left open. Seriously. So much that when I popped ove3r to drop off my wedding announcement he had to go close the bathroom door before he could invite me into the house. His bride was showering.


I don't see this as so extraordinary. My husband and I are child free so unless we have guests, there is no need to shut any internal door.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a female friend on the phone about her last date and failed romance. I did go into another room and shut the door. Men, including my husband, like to act as if they are above those kinds of stories, but also, I think that my friends might not like the idea that the story is being simulteneously transacted to my husband.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

babykins said:


> What about the issue of phones?
> 
> My husband is so private with his and takes it everywhere..he has a code on it which I don't know...is there a reason to be suspicious?
> 
> Thoughts?


Only if there's a reason to be suspicious. My wife doesn't know the code to my phone either, but that's because she's never asked for it.


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## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

I have my doubts and suspicions as he has given me reason to be suspicious in the past as he has told "little white lies" as he likes to call them but to me they're bigger than he makes them out to be but that's of course because it was his mistakes! its not ok for me to make mistakes & he'll lose his **** over it but when he does its like well get over it!

I agree there should be some form of privacy but like I've told him its not like I want to read your messages but if you're sitting next to me & get a text...you don't need to turn the phone away from my sight to text back....that's what makes it look like he has something to hide..

but when I say well if you've got nothing to hide then don't see what the issue with texting in front of me is like I do with him as he's constantly looking over my shoulder when I'm doing it (which I've stopped now to show him how it feels)...to him its the principle behind it and I never stop hearing "well its the principle".!


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