# Spending the weekend with my husband and ex-husband



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

I did this to myself, I know that. I’m trying to navigate the situation the best that I can. Honest, well-meaning thoughts and opinions are welcome… 

I have been with my husband for 6 years. Overall we are both very happy and have a good marriage. The problem that I am having is in our social group, which is entirely my fault so maybe the answer is “tough titties, you knew what you were getting yourself into”. The cause of the issue: My husband use to be a very close friend of my ex-husband. 

When my husband and I got together that friendship ended. They share a very close group of mutual friends, so they do see each other a few times a month but they are no longer close (though that sort of seems to be changing). For the first two years that we were together my husband didn’t participate in group activities, over the last few years he has slowly gone back into it. 

The problem that we are having is that I generally don’t go, and my husband wants to spend that time together. It is important to him that I get along with his friends, and I do but… Out of respect for my ex-husband I refrain from going out with mutual friends when my ex will be there. If we make plans as a group and my ex later decides to go, I’m out. We have been in the same social setting twice in the last 6 years, both unplanned. I find it very uncomfortable being around my husband and ex-husband at the same time. 

My husband (along with a group of other people) has been invited to my ex-husband’s parent’s cottage for a weekend. My husband is going and wants me to go as well. 

I know that cottage well. It’s where I married my ex-husband. It’s where we spent time together as a family. It’s where we made love. It’s where we spent every summer. It’s where I started falling for my husband. It’s where I went to get away from my previous marriage. There are too many memories there. I haven’t been there since our divorce. The thought of going with all our old friends, feels like too much. The last time that happened I was married to my ex-husband. 

My husband believes yes it would be awkward at first, but no one cares about it as much as I do and it would be more awkward if I don’t go. His friends think it’s weird that I’m never around. It has been 10 years since I divorced my husband, we are both remarried. My ex-husband and I do not talk unless it is about our son. He told my husband that I’m welcome to come and he doesn’t care. We don't even have conversations but he doesn't care if I crash his weekend? 

Being back at that cottage, with my ex-husband, does not seem appealing to me. I’d much rather stay home alone. My husband really wants me to go with him and is starting to think that I don’t want to go because I still have feelings for my ex – which is not true at all. He doesn’t want to be the only one there without their SO. 

Do I suck it up and go? Even though my husband wants me to go is going a mistake? Do I make the selfish decision to stay home, or do I deal with the situation I made and stand by my husband's side. I’m sorry this is all over the map and hard to follow. I don't know what decision I am going to make and I can't focus or concentrate on anything else.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think if you're uncomfortable around your husband and ex husband at the same time, then your husband should try to understand and respect that. It's kind of cool though, in a way, that you all can get along. It's different for sure, but if you don't wish to go, I think your husband shouldn't push the issue. Hope it works out.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You know, you are a grown A$$ woman. If you don't want to go, then don't go. 

Now, I don't know if there was an affair, or you guys got together after the divorce. 

But I think your husband should find some other friends, and come on, going to his moms house where you and X were married??? 

How is that anything but completely and totally insensitive of your H. 

For various reasons, I have had to talk to my Ex w several times this last week, it makes me what to throw up. 

Talk to your husband and tell him this is not cool and it is not happening.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> You know, you are a grown A$$ woman. If you don't want to go, then don't go.
> 
> Now, I don't know if there was an affair, or you guys got together after the divorce.
> 
> ...


Don't mean to sidetrack this even further but the two things that immediately caught my attention. Were that she fell in love with current husband at her ex in-law's, my guess, while she was still married? And that while her current husband and ex are no longer friends hers ex's parents are still on good terms the new husband that probably 2-timed his old buddy?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Tell your H that you aren't going for obvious reasons!

Trust me! No loving H would ever begin to subject the woman he loved to something like that!*


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

I wouldn’t say that my ex and I get along. We only have contact because we have a child together, and even then that contact is limited. Much more so now that our child is a teenager. We don’t fight, but we have contact because we have to - not because we want to. My husband has far more contact with my ex than I do. I have no desire to be friends with my ex. In a perfect world I would have been able to walk away and completely close that chapter. If I do go am I supposed to ignore my ex? Talk to him? About what? Pretend nothing had ever happened? Talk to his wife? 

My husband has asked twice recently if I still have feelings for my ex, because I don’t want to go and I don’t like being around them at the same time. He knows why I don’t want to go to my ex-inlaw’s cottage, but his thought is that if I was over my ex I wouldn’t care at all. That isn’t normal for my husband AT ALL, he is normally very understanding and has never questioned me or doubted me. Which makes me feel like I am in the wrong here...


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

emegr said:


> I wouldn’t say that my ex and I get along. We only have contact because we have a child together, and even then that contact is limited. Much more so now that our child is a teenager. We don’t fight, but we have contact because we have to - not because we want to. My husband has far more contact with my ex than I do. I have no desire to be friends with my ex. In a perfect world I would have been able to walk away and completely close that chapter. If I do go am I supposed to ignore my ex? Talk to him? About what? Pretend nothing had ever happened? Talk to his wife?
> 
> My husband has asked twice recently if I still have feelings for my ex, because I don’t want to go and I don’t like being around them at the same time. He knows why I don’t want to go to my ex-inlaw’s cottage, but his thought is that if I was over my ex I wouldn’t care at all. That isn’t normal for my husband AT ALL, he is normally very understanding and has never questioned me or doubted me. Which makes me feel like I am in the wrong here...


First off, you have been asked twice if you have an affair with your current H. Just curious. 

You are not in the wrong. I think your H is wrong to push this, why can't he understand? Why is your XH such an important "Friend" to him. Why is this guy more important than you? 

I just don't get that at all. 

You are completely right not wanting to be around your X. I think your H is being a clod. And for him to ask if you still have feelings for him is way out of line. 

If my GF was friends with my XW then we would just have to brake up. I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to see her, I frankly don't even want to know that she exists. 

What is the deal with your H? This is weird...


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

emegr, would you mind giving us a bit more backstory here, What was the cause of the failure of your first marriage. Why are you so uncomfortable around your ex. It would seem to me that unless something major happened to cause these deep negative feelings all these years later, this trip could potentially be healing for you. But I think more information would help.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

emegr said:


> I did this to myself, I know that. I’m trying to navigate the situation the best that I can. Honest, well-meaning thoughts and opinions are welcome…
> 
> I have been with my husband for 6 years. Overall we are both very happy and have a good marriage. The problem that I am having is in our social group, which is entirely my fault so maybe the answer is “tough titties, you knew what you were getting yourself into”. The cause of the issue: My husband use to be a very close friend of my ex-husband.
> 
> ...


Wow, better you then me. Why would you do this to yourself? There are millions of men out there you picked your ex-husband's friend? Was there cheating involved? Crazy..


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

We had irreconcilable differences. My ex was insensitive and it caused sexual adversion. We stopped having sex and he cheated instead of going to therapy with me. Many people knew about it, he cheated while out with his friends, but no one told me because it wasn't their business. My husband was the only one who was there for me and told me. My ex denied it and at the time I had to believe him. He cheated again, my husband told me, and showed me evidence. My ex admitted to the bare minimum and slowly let more slip out over 8 months. From just a kiss once to sex with two women on 6 separate occasions. My ex blamed it on me, said he wanted a divorce and left. My husband was there for me, he supported me and talked to me. He spent time with me daily because I needed it. I started falling for him. We had sex. I stepped back for a couple years to focus on myself and my husband was still who I wanted to be with. We got together after my divorce was final.

I was married to my ex when I had sex with my husband for the first time, but my marriage was over. When my ex found out I was spending time with my husband (his close friend at the time) he assumed we had sex and said it was cheating. 

My ex isn't more important to my husband. He wants to go because all of his friends are going. He can go, I don't care, but he wants me to go with him and his judgement is foggy. He doesn't want me to be best friends with my ex, but he does want me to be comfortable being around his friends (which includes my ex because of mutual friends). 

My husband is my best friend. I love him more every day and can't imagine not being with him. Regardless of my ex, my husband is who I always should have been with. I met him in an unconventional way, but he's the love of my life. I didn't jump right into a relationship with him. We did have sex, yes, then I stepped back for two years. I saw a few other men, but he was still who I wanted. It has always felt right with him. He's a great husband, great dad and step-dad. This is really the only problem we've had.


----------



## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

My useless 2 cents: If everyone else is cool with it, go and have fun. My wife and I had my ex-wife over to the house for Mother's Day one year when my daughter was visiting. Everyone got along fine. I don't and have never said anything bad about my ex to anyone. I tell people she is a great woman, a wonderful mother and that we just weren't compatible. That seems to put everyone at ease and we are able to be around each other without it being awkward. It would set a helluva example for your kids on civility and respect.


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

So in short, you decided to end sexual relations with your (husband) and became good freinds with his freind. Your exH said f-that and had sex somewhere else. His good buddy whispered in your ear of the infraction. You confronted, he denied, and the sexless marriage continued. He went for it again, (set up by this same good buddy who just happened to be there for pictures) and his "freind" whispered in your ear again and showed you photos.

Of course this good "freind" of your exH had no motives at all. Ok.

Then you cheated with his freind.. And then you cheated with other men. Finally you divorce and the loyal "freind" who you always loved resurfaces to claim what he has worked for from day one.

Your X husband was a serial cheater
You were a serial cheater.
Your husband is what men call a sneaky scoundrel.
And now he wants to be friends again with the man whose wife he stole. Wow. Surprised your X doesn't punch him in the eye.
You know you were just as dirty as your X. That's why you don't want to look people in the eye. Your wonderful husband has no such qualms. He is that type of guy. A thief. Now he is questioning you.

Question. Do you have any close female friends? Is your husband friends with any of them? Instead of worrying about your X, you best be keeping an eye out on your current "romeo".

A different shade of your grey.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, your current husband has a very skewed perspective. He was your knight in shining armor, waiting in the wings to inform on his cheating bestie so he could scoop up the bewildered wife before the divorce was even final. And now that he has you, he wants to go back to all being friends like nothing ever happened. That makes him both slightly predatory, and indicates he's suffering from a rather staggering case of KISA Syndrome. Let's just say he lacks a healthy perspective. 

Ask him why he wants you to spend time around someone who hurt you terribly. Ask him why he wants to be friends with someone who he's aware is a cheater and who he knows betrayed you. 

And I'm sorry, but every single one of your other "friends" is a bad friend. They stood by and watched while you were being repeatedly betrayed and said nothing. Real friends don't do that. 

OP, you need to learn what a healthy relationship looks like. And you need to learn to have some boundaries. Number one on that boundary list should be that you don't associate with people who betray you - and that would include your cheating ex-husband and your group of complicit mutual friends. What you really need to figure out is why your current husband is so lacking in boundaries that he's willing - even eager - to spend time, have you spend time, around someone he knows is a liar and a cheater.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> So in short, you decided to end sexual relations with your (husband) and became good freinds with his freind. Your exH said f-that and had sex somewhere else. His good buddy whispered in your ear of the infraction. You confronted, he denied, and the sexless marriage continued. He went for it again, (set up by this same good buddy who just happened to be there for pictures) and his "freind" whispered in your ear again and showed you photos.
> 
> Of course this good "freind" of your exH had no motives at all. Ok.
> 
> ...


I’m sorry, but you are WAY off base here. 

I didn’t “decide” to stop having sex with my ex. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it. He was an insensitive ******* who didn’t have a care in the world as to how I was feeling. As long as he got his 10 seconds, all was good. He stopped caring about things in my past and didn’t give me the support that I needed from him. When I tried to talk to him about it he dismissed it or turned it around to make me feel even worse about it. It got to the point that having him on top of me was beyond what I could handle, I had a panic attack and I needed him OFF. He made me feel like **** about it. I told him I wanted to go to therapy (sex and marriage), he went once and wouldn’t go again. I kept going - for myself. I didn’t choose to stop having sex. I didn’t choose to panic at the thought of sex. I didn’t choose to feel so disconnected to my husband that it was like being raped by a stranger. I tried to fix it. He didn’t. Instead he went to **** other women, because I wasn’t worth the effort. 

I didn’t become “good friends” with my (new) husband until the cheating came out. We had always been friends, and I was closer with him than my ex’s other friends, but that’s it. Just friends. 

My (new) husband did NOT set up my husband’s cheating! He was my ex’s best friend, of course he knew about it. He knew about it because he was there. When they (and other friends) were out he saw my ex kissing other women, flirting with other women. He said something to my ex, who didn’t care, then he told me. I didn’t believe him, I trusted my husband. My ex chose to cheat again, and again, and again, and again, and again. My husband did not sit around figuring out how he was going to MAKE my ex cheat. That’s ****ing ridiculous. Yes, he showed me a video of my ex making out with another woman. Yes, he played a conversation that he and my ex had that convicted him. He did that for me, because no one else would. At least 14 people knew about it, not a one told me. 

My husband did NOT force my ex to cheat, just so he could get with me. That is ridiculous. He was the only good friend I had at the time. 

I had sex while I was legally married, yes. By that point my ex had moved out, and he made it known he wanted a divorce. Our marriage was over, just not legally. So no, I do not see it as cheating. Some people may, and that is their prospective - everyone has one. It is a factor in why I don’t like to be around my husband’s (and ex’s friends). 

I did not date other men while I was married. I had been divorced for over a year before I went out with anyone else. 

My husband did not steal me. My ex lost me, from his own actions. And there has been physical fights, 10 years ago. 

Yes, I do have close female friends and no my husband is not doing anything with them. You are way off base here.


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> So in short, you decided to end sexual relations with your (husband) and became good freinds with his freind. Your exH said f-that and had sex somewhere else. His good buddy whispered in your ear of the infraction. You confronted, he denied, and the sexless marriage continued. He went for it again, (set up by this same good buddy who just happened to be there for pictures) and his "freind" whispered in your ear again and showed you photos.
> 
> Of course this good "freind" of your exH had no motives at all. Ok.
> 
> ...


Now come on guys, even for me this is a little too much. 

OP, What you wrote is pretty much what I figured. 

Let me explain why this is not a good situation. 

Your H, has an unhealthy attachment to "this group of friends'. And like the @TheBohannons said above, your husband was low down for laying in wait to get in your pants. Then, when your ExH found out the "Friendship" ended, you know, bros before hoes and all of that. 

You are in a dynamic that is not good for a healthy relationship. This group of "friends" including your H, cheated on you as well by allowing your Ex to screw around and not tell you in the first place. That entire dynamic is wrong, it was wrong then and it is wrong now. 

Your current H is being a complete A$$ with all of this. You and your H need to divorce this group of "Friends" and find new ones. 

You of course should not go to the party, and neither should your H. You guys both need to move on from your Ex and this group of friends. 

Nothing about this is healthy...


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

You previous marriage ended very badly, all the crappy stuff your ex did while it was ending, it was over when you started having panic attacks at the thought of having sex with him. He was a scumbag and the whole thing has affected you very negatively to this day. I think your Husband does have a point that by now you should be over you ex and let the past be the past. The fact you have a child together should give you some motivation to be able to get along with him. I'm not saying you have to but I guess it would seem like it would be good if you could. 

Pros and cons I guess...

Pros

You can show you husband and his friends that you are totally over your ex.  
You can show your ex that he has no power over your feelings or happiness.
You can move closer having a better relationship with your sons father.
You might have fun. 
It might be exciting to have sex with your new husband in the place it all started.

Cons

You might feel a bit awkward.
You'll have to witness you ex having fun with his new wife. 
You'll have to hangout with a group of people you view as being complicit and partly at fault in your ex's cheating.
You might not be capable of letting it go and will have a very uncomfortable weekend and as a result harbor some resentment towards your husband for pushing you to go through that. 

I see the whole situation as having some pitfalls, you're kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you go you might end up with resentment towards your husband, if you don't he might end up with bad feelings that you still have feelings for your ex and find it more strange that you can't move on. 

If it were me I would go, enjoy the time with your husband, be friendly, have a few drinks and have fun. It sounds like it will only be really awkward if you're awkward about it.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> Now come on guys, even for me this is a little too much.
> 
> OP, What you wrote is pretty much what I figured.
> 
> ...


This was frankly the best way to sum this up because I could see where this was headed. 

In short, the Ex-Husband is your typical selfish, low grade cheater, the new Husband is an opportunist that I would trust as much as I would trust Uncle Scar for the Lion King and the OP used his cheating as an excuse to do so herself. 

OP, I don't blame you for what you did and I don't think many others would as well, if everything about your husband is true and I appreciate that you came clean with all the info. But there is a foundation here that was built on the type of wood they use in super market entertainment centers. I just hope you have beat the odds and lucked into the person that really was right for you and not just a dude looking for an upgrade that was easily accessible.


----------



## TheBohannons (Apr 6, 2018)

Well, it was 4am and I couldn't sleep, so it probably was a bit overboard. And having a "10 second charlie" explains quite a bit.

With that said, my opinion of your current H remains. What kind of freind would bust you to the wife? Twice. How convenient for him to have pictures. It really looks like you and your X were going thru a tough time, and he used the information to bust his freind and make his move. Maybe I am completely off base, but he did have sex with his best friends wife.

Quite honestly, I am projecting. I always had a feeling about the X of my x. Always sniveling around. We had a child and maintained a good Co parenting life, however this Barney always tried to be friends. To this day, when I see him, all I want to do is send a straight right down the middle.

A sincere apology for my early morning rant.


----------



## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

I think your husband is being a little bit flippant about the whole thing. It seems like it would be pretty awkward. I wouldn't go, but more than that, if I were your husband, I wouldn't even want to go. He's being an a-ss.

Running in the same social crowd might be awkward but doable. This would be too much and too weird. But these friends don't really seem like they should be worth the effort. The whole thing is unhealthy.

And your current husband- sorry, his role in this is pretty sleazy.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TheBohannons said:


> Well, it was 4am and I couldn't sleep, so it probably was a bit overboard. And having a "10 second charlie" explains quite a bit.
> 
> With that said, my opinion of your current H remains. *What kind of freind would bust you to the wife? * Twice. How convenient for him to have pictures. It really looks like you and your X were going thru a tough time, and he used the information to bust his freind and make his move. Maybe I am completely off base, but he did have sex with his best friends wife.
> 
> ...


One with principles. 

I'm not disagreeing with the convenience of being the KISA when he obviously had feelings for her but you don't just let one person humiliate and make a fool of another because they are your friend. I expect my friends to treat their spouse (and mine come to think of it) with respect, someone who wouldn't do so wouldn't be a friend anyway.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

WonkyNinja said:


> One with principles.
> 
> I'm not disagreeing with the convenience of being the KISA when he obviously had feelings for her but you don't just let one person humiliate and make a fool of another because they are your friend. I expect my friends to treat their spouse (and mine come to think of it) with respect, someone who wouldn't do so wouldn't be a friend anyway.


I agree with this. I would split the two parts of the puzzle up. He is not a sleaze in my book for busting his friend, he is a sleaze for why he did it and what he acted on afterward.

After what has happened to me in the past 12 months I look at all cheaters differently now, even the ones that were my closest friends, relatives, etc.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

My husband is not a ****ing predator. He would never and has never hurt me. So what if he was a "knight in shining armour"? He was there for me and I needed that. When he told me what was going on, neither of us planned on ending up here, married with our own family. In that moment I hated him. When things started to get serious we both went back and forth on whether we should pursue a relationship or not. We waited 2 years to pursue anything (other than sex). He told me because he is a good man, there was no motive. Yes, he had sex with his best friends wife (me). And I had sex with my husbands best friend. If he's a sleazy POS then so am I.

I didn't come here to rip my husband apart. He is a good spouse, good partner and good father. No one here knows him, I do. Give the benefit of the doubt... 

I do wish he'd cut ties with those specific friends, but those are his people. One of them is his brother, who he is very close to.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

emegr said:


> My husband is not a ****ing predator. He would never and has never hurt me. So what if he was a "knight in shining armour"? He was there for me and I needed that. When he told me what was going on, neither of us planned on ending up here, married with our own family. In that moment I hated him. When things started to get serious we both went back and forth on whether we should pursue a relationship or not. We waited 2 years to pursue anything (other than sex). He told me because he is a good man, there was no motive. Yes, he had sex with his best friends wife (me). And I had sex with my husbands best friend. *If he's a sleazy POS then so am I*.
> 
> I didn't come here to rip my husband apart. He is a good spouse, good partner and good father. No one here knows him, I do. Give the benefit of the doubt...
> 
> I do wish he'd cut ties with those specific friends, but those are his people. One of them is his brother, who he is very close to.


In that moment, yes you both were. Here's the thing though;

Good People don't do these types of things BUT Good People also make mistakes. 

That is why I think the jury is still out on which one. If you guys live happily ever after and don't cheat on each other, it can be chalked up to the latter.


----------



## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Honestly this whole weekend trip seems pointless and you should simply decline. Let your husband go if he must. You know it's going to be painful and awkward at best. You have no desire to rekindle these relationships. You don't owe anyone any explanation for the past. What is the point exactly?

I won't rag on your husband or judge either of you for how you came to be - but a man should be looking to protect his family. Not force you into a terribly uncomfortable situation that has no hope of any positive outcome. Why are you OK with that?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Did your relationship with your husband begin before your marriage to your ex-husband ended?

ETA: Nevermind, I see that’s already been answered.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It seems that the reason you don't want to go is that the place is tied up with your feelings of betrayal by your ex-husband. It's not that you have romantic feelings for your ex-husband. It's that your ex-husband treated you abhorrently, then blame shifted to you and caused you trauma. Your current husband is having trouble with this because your pain is interfering with his social group interaction. I think you two need some marriage counseling to work through this.

My concern with you going is that you may be overcome by anxiety and have an anxiety attack. If you go, I recommend you either ask your doctor to prescribe something to help you stay calm or if you're in an area where marijuana is legal that you bring some with you to keep you calm.

Explain to your husband that this is creating a lot of anxiety due to the trauma you experienced that you haven't worked through and how this place is a part of that trauma.

Have you spoken to your therapist about this?


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

GusPolinski said:


> Did your relationship with your husband begin before your marriage to your ex-husband ended?
> 
> ETA: Nevermind, I see that’s already been answered.


I'm afraid to even ask if current Husband was involved (Married or w/ a GF at the time) when things commenced between OP and him.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> GusPolinski said:
> 
> 
> > Did your relationship with your husband begin before your marriage to your ex-husband ended?
> ...


He was single.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> emegr said:
> 
> 
> > My husband is not a ****ing predator. He would never and has never hurt me. So what if he was a "knight in shining armour"? He was there for me and I needed that. When he told me what was going on, neither of us planned on ending up here, married with our own family. In that moment I hated him. When things started to get serious we both went back and forth on whether we should pursue a relationship or not. We waited 2 years to pursue anything (other than sex). He told me because he is a good man, there was no motive. Yes, he had sex with his best friends wife (me). And I had sex with my husbands best friend. *If he's a sleazy POS then so am I*.
> ...


We both know that sleeping together at that time was a bad choice. That was 10 years ago. 10 years... My husband shouldn't be ripped apart and thrown in a ********* column for a choice he made a decade ago in his mid-20's. Do the last 10 years mean nothing? He's been a good, honourable husband.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

emegr said:


> He was single.


Orbiters usually are.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

emegr said:


> We both know that sleeping together at that time was a bad choice. That was 10 years ago. 10 years... My husband shouldn't be ripped apart and thrown in a ********* column for a choice he made a decade ago in his mid-20's. Do the last 10 years mean nothing? He's been a good, honourable husband.


Hmmmm .....

I think more of it from my angle is disappointment for you and disgust for your current husband both for past choices, not necessarily today. Disappointment from the standpoint of, you kind of let your loser ex off the hook in a way for what you guys did. Would have been nice to go out with head held high and dignity so you could always look back on that time as when you stuck to your values, integrity, etc. But that is in the past and like I said, good people can and will make mistakes, we just do ... it's how we learn from them and move on, so as not to make them again and become better people.

I think the collective disgust from our end about the current husband is that many of us have seen this before in real life and often on daytime talk shows. 'Caring' friend does the right thing by exposing his loser friend but instead of leaving it at that, takes the opportunity to slide in for his own benefit. Again, in the past, could of been just a mistake by both of you in the moments, where emotions trump logic and reasoning.

I was treated like dirt over the past year as my marriage comes to an end in about another 3 weeks and was left in the dust as she chose the OM, who is married still over keeping our family together. It hurt, 18 years down the drain, along with dreams of the future but because of my kids, thank God, I couldn't waver and the only thing I had left was to look into the future and do what my kids would be proud of me for doing 10 years from now.

I hope the best for you guys and mistakes of the past can be lessons learned and obviously forgiven. I am not trying to judge because that goes against my own believes but just observe and comment


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

emegr said:


> We both know that sleeping together at that time was a bad choice. That was 10 years ago. 10 years... My husband shouldn't be ripped apart and thrown in a ********* column for a choice he made a decade ago in his mid-20's. Do the last 10 years mean nothing? He's been a good, honourable husband.


Did I miss something here. The way I read the timeline of events was, your now husband gave you the proof, you confronted your then husband, he got pissed, blamed you, told you he was divorcing you and left. Do I have that right so far?

Then while you were in the process of getting divorced, your now husband supported you you too had sex and you stepped back until the divorce was final. Am I right on all this or is my reading of the timeline off.

If I have the timeline correct then there was nothing wrong with you sleeping with your now husband if your then husband had left and was divorcing you. 

Fact is you husband knew you ex was a scumbag and didn't deserve you. Was he an opportunist, maybe sure but doesn't make him telling you wrong. If he had come on this board and asked if he should tell his friends wife that her husband is cheating I believe very strongly he would have been told YES SHE HAS THE RIGHT TO KNOW. Don't be bothered by people hating on him, you know he did the right thing and it all worked out for everyone in the end. 

And I still think you should go with him and have a good time. He had your back then he'll have your back now.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Did I miss something here. The way I read the timeline of events was, your now husband gave you the proof, you confronted your then husband, he got pissed, blamed you, told you he was divorcing you and left. Do I have that right so far?
> 
> Then while you were in the process of getting divorced, your now husband supported you you too had sex and you stepped back until the divorce was final. Am I right on all this or is my reading of the timeline off.
> 
> ...


Telling was the right thing to do. Having sex with his good friend's wife while she was still married was the opposite. In some ways I liken it to taking advantage of a girl under the influence of alcohol.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Telling was the right thing to do. Having sex with his good friend's wife while she was still married was the opposite. In some ways I liken it to taking advantage of a girl under the influence of alcohol.


I guess that depends on the timeline. If they were not getting divorced yes, if they were getting divorced, in my opinion it doesn't matter, the marriage was over the husband had cheated multiple times she was done, why wait, you know the old husband was screwing anything he could get his hands on. 

And no having mutually consensual sex is nothing like rape.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to the forum!

This is a hard one. I am a happily remarried woman that is still good friends with my XH and we do things socially. If you can pull this off, it is great for the kids is what I have noticed. My XH is a good man though. My H is also and awesome man with no jealousy and he really likes my XH.

I had to read through this quick so this may have already been answered. How far from your home is this cottage? Can you drive there or do you have to buy an airline ticket? If you drive, then I would suggest giving it a whirl and seeing how it goes. If it's awful, get in your car and drive home.

At first it is kinda awkward, but after time (and it's already been a decade for you, plus you hubby is already comfortable with him) it really is not that big of a deal. I kinda view it as my first 20 years was chapter one with my XH. Now I am living chapter two. It still has a lot of the same characters, with a new main character (hubby) added. Our lives converge often because of kids and lots of shared friends. I opted to just go forward, and work hard to keep things comfortable. It was harder for my XH because he still is in love, but I am hoping it has lessened. We all have our weird moments, but overall it's pretty darn great if you can pull it off. It really depends on the quality of the people involved, and only you can answer that.

OTOH, if you opt not to go it would be abrsurd for your H not to understand. How you feel is the normal way to feel. How I have handled it, and how it has turned out is NOT the norm, but it works for all of us. I hope you find a good solution for all of you.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > Telling was the right thing to do. Having sex with his good friend's wife while she was still married was the opposite. In some ways I liken it to taking advantage of a girl under the influence of alcohol.
> ...


Not really likening to rape .. I'm comparing to when someone is vulnerable. With alcohol it's chemical. In this case it was emotional vulnerability.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Not really likening to rape .. I'm comparing to when someone is vulnerable. With alcohol it's chemical. In this case it was emotional vulnerability.


Ahh I get what your saying, I took it like you get the drunk girl who doesn't really know whats she's doing. But hey it all worked out in the end.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> stillfightingforus said:
> 
> 
> > Not really likening to rape .. I'm comparing to when someone is vulnerable. With alcohol it's chemical. In this case it was emotional vulnerability.
> ...


I truly hope it does!


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TheBohannons said:


> What kind of freind would bust you to the wife?


One who believes more in integrity than maintaining a friendship with someone not worthy of it. One who rightfully thinks the wife, like any other betrayed spouse, has every right in the world to know what her wayward husband is up to. 

He may have been looking for an opportunity to move in or he may have just been doing the right thing. 

I would do exactly the same and I would have zero ulterior motive in doing so. 

My friends are my friends because they are people of integrity, not because I expect them to keep my vile secrets for me. My friends would, or at least I think and hope they would, do the right thing and expose me in a New York minute were I to violate my marriage vows.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> It seems that the reason you don't want to go is that the place is tied up with your feelings of betrayal by your ex-husband. It's not that you have romantic feelings for your ex-husband. It's that your ex-husband treated you abhorrently, then blame shifted to you and caused you trauma. Your current husband is having trouble with this because your pain is interfering with his social group interaction. I think you two need some marriage counseling to work through this.
> 
> My concern with you going is that you may be overcome by anxiety and have an anxiety attack. If you go, I recommend you either ask your doctor to prescribe something to help you stay calm or if you're in an area where marijuana is legal that you bring some with you to keep you calm.
> 
> ...


When my husband asks why I don’t want to go, the first thought is that I don’t want to be back at that cottage. There is too much history there and it’s like time travelling back to a time that I don’t want to relive. Closely followed by the inevitable awkwardness and not wanting to be around those people. I have seen most of those friends since our divorce, and they have never said anything or treated me poorly. My husband has taken the brunt of it, in previous years. When everyone is together and my ex, husband and I are together where we have so much history, there is bound to be comments. Especially with the alcohol added in. There is going to be A LOT of drinking. With the exception of some spouses, everyone going was at my wedding with my ex. But that was 15 years ago, does anyone really care - probably not. It is a situation I’ve been able to avoid for 10 years, dealing with it now brings back a lot. I have anxiety (and right now it’s through the roof) and that could be making me over-think. I know that my husband would not let anyone say anything. 

I have anxiety medication. I have been off of it for a while, but I do have it. If I were to take it over the weekend I would not be able to drink. Pick my battle. Part of me wants to say that if I were to go I’d need to keep myself tipsy the entire time to be able to tolerate being there. My husband is on board with me staying drunk all weekend if I’ll be there… I have not spoken to my therapist about this specific issue.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Orbiters usually are.


He has dated plenty of people and had longterm relationships, he didn’t sit around for years waiting for his “in” with me. He happened to be single when my marriage ended.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Did I miss something here. The way I read the timeline of events was, your now husband gave you the proof, you confronted your then husband, he got pissed, blamed you, told you he was divorcing you and left. Do I have that right so far?
> 
> Then while you were in the process of getting divorced, your now husband supported you you too had sex and you stepped back until the divorce was final. Am I right on all this or is my reading of the timeline off.
> 
> ...


Your timeline is correct. My opinion and my husband’s opinion is that it was not cheating. The marriage was over. If it would have been anyone other than my ex’s friend, I don’t think anyone would ever think anything of it. My ex has a different opinion and for a long time said what I did was worse than what he did. His opinion means nothing to me. He had completely moved out, said he wanted a divorce, proposed a custody schedule and said he filed for divorce, then I slept with my now-husband. The marriage was over.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to the forum!
> 
> This is a hard one. I am a happily remarried woman that is still good friends with my XH and we do things socially. If you can pull this off, it is great for the kids is what I have noticed. My XH is a good man though. My H is also and awesome man with no jealousy and he really likes my XH.
> 
> ...


Life would probably be easier if my ex and I could get along well rather than avoid each other like the plague. I can’t say that my ex is still a bad person. I have no idea who he is now. I hope for his sake, and his wife’s sake, that he has grown into a better man. 

The cottage is 4.5 hours from our house. We would be driving there. In theory, if I wanted to go home I could. If I had been drinking, obviously that is out. I have considered going up Saturday morning, and only staying for the day then going home. That way I make my presence but I only have to deal with it for a short time. My husband wants to go together. Showing up late and leaving early could prove to be more awkward.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

When is this scheduled for? I really think you need to see your therapist about this.

I don't want to push pot smoking, but I have seen it used for anxiety and it can be helpful. It doesn't interfere with your ability to drink, but you will be "cross-faded." Of course I would only recommend this if you are in a state where it is legal.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> When is this scheduled for? I really think you need to see your therapist about this.
> 
> I don't want to push pot smoking, but I have seen it used for anxiety and it can be helpful. It doesn't interfere with your ability to drink, but you will be "cross-faded." Of course I would only recommend this if you are in a state where it is legal.


It is scheduled for June 8-11. I have enough anxiety leading up to it that I have been considering making an appointment. I would have access to marijuana if I wanted to do so. I am not a huge drinker (the last time I drank was 4 coolers a year ago) and I have never combined alcohol with anything else - so I'm not sure what my reaction would be.


----------



## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I don't know that pot would be great for this. But if you had a really good dispensary in your area and they could dial the strain right so you can function well and not be stoned but happy an without anxiety that could work. But I think going into this as a way to bond with your husband and begin the process of improving your relationship with the father of your son and making things easier and more comfortable with your husbands friends could turn it into a big plus for all. 

It really is up to you @emegr you know yourself and what your limits are. I think after what you went through way back when with the ex this should be a cake walk.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

emegr said:


> He has dated plenty of people and had longterm relationships, he didn’t sit around for years waiting for his “in” with me. He happened to be single when my marriage ended.


Really?

Were any of the other guys in their circle of friends cheating? (I’ll bet yes.) If so, did he inform their wives as well?

How much time had passed between his initial disclosure to you and the onset of your romance? And for how long had he been single?

Anyway, telling you was the right thing to do. His motivations for doing so are sketchy as best, though, and that rightfully calls his question into character. But hey, if you’re happy....

You’re correct in that you kind of brought this in yourself. Either way, you should discuss your discomfort with your husband.

And he needs to give up on the idea of getting his best friend back. He’s dismissing all of your concerns in favor of his pipe dream.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

emegr said:


> It is scheduled for June 8-11. I have enough anxiety leading up to it that I have been considering making an appointment. I would have access to marijuana if I wanted to do so. I am not a huge drinker (the last time I drank was 4 coolers a year ago) and I have never combined alcohol with anything else - so I'm not sure what my reaction would be.


There would be no reaction. They don't react off of each other. If you drank too much you would be drunk. If you smoked pot, you would be stoned. If you did them both together, you'd be both at the same time. If that makes sense. Some people smoke pot (or take tincture or edible) to avoid a hangover. It can be pretty effective due to the anti-nausea properties of marijuana.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

emegr said:


> CynthiaDe said:
> 
> 
> > It seems that the reason you don't want to go is that the place is tied up with your feelings of betrayal by your ex-husband. It's not that you have romantic feelings for your ex-husband. It's that your ex-husband treated you abhorrently, then blame shifted to you and caused you trauma. Your current husband is having trouble with this because your pain is interfering with his social group interaction. I think you two need some marriage counseling to work through this.
> ...


Okay, so if this group weekend away was anywhere other than the cottage would you have the same anxiety? You are romanizing this place. 

I don’t believe you cheated by being with your current husband when you did. But your XH had made sure that other people - the people that will be at this weekend - do. I think you don’t want to deal with being a WS in other people’s eyes. It is a much safer feeling to hold on to being a BS. And if you stay away from them you don’t have to face that. I think you need to. 

Everyone’s conjecture about your current husbands original motives aside, I wonder if he doesn’t feel like Plan B - after all you put him on ice to try to reconcile with your XH. Maybe he needs you to make a public show to this group that he IS the choice. 

And have you seriously never spoken to your child’s step mother?


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

GusPolinski said:


> Really?
> 
> Were any of the other guys in their circle of friends cheating? (I’ll bet yes.) If so, did he inform their wives as well?
> 
> ...


Every situation is different. How he reacted in one set of circumstances does not equal how he would react in another set. There was enough fall out from him informing me what my ex was doing. 

From the first time he told me to when we had sex? 10 months. From the first time he told me to when we started a relationship? 3 years. He was in a long term relationship for half of those 3 years. 

-In June 2007 my husband told me that my ex was cheating on me. My ex denied it.
-In July 2007 my husband told me again that my ex was cheating on me and had evidence of it. I confronted my ex about it. He admitted to kissing but nothing more. 
-We spent 8 more months together trying to fix our marriage. 
-In March 2008 my husband moved out and said he wanted a divorce. 
-In April 2008 my husband and I had sex. We spent a few days together, then I stepped back. 
-That was it. We stopped everything. We talked here and there. 
-My husband was in a relationship from July 2008-January 2010(ish). 
-My divorce was final in August 2009. 
-I dated a few men in late 2009-early 2010. 
-May 2010 my husband and I started hanging out again; two years after my marriage ended.
-We started getting close, our relationship became sexual. We stayed in a limbo for about 2 years, not knowing what we were going to do. 
-My husband went out on a whim and proposed in 2012. 

We did not jump into a relationship. I will always defend my husband.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> Okay, so if this group weekend away was anywhere other than the cottage would you have the same anxiety? You are romanizing this place.
> 
> I don’t believe you cheated by being with your current husband when you did. But your XH had made sure that other people - the people that will be at this weekend - do. I think you don’t want to deal with being a WS in other people’s eyes. It is a much safer feeling to hold on to being a BS. And if you stay away from them you don’t have to face that. I think you need to.
> 
> ...


Honestly, no I probably wouldn't feel the same way that I do. I wouldn't be jumping for joy and excitement about the thought of going, but I likely wouldn't feel the way I do right now. 

I think you are right in your assessment. I don't want to be seen as the wife who cheated. My ex made sure that people knew that I slept with his best friend, after refusing him sex for 'so long' and being so horrible to him. He told people that I was sleeping with my husband during my marriage to my ex. Including his wife. So no, I really haven't had much communication with my ex's wife because the first couple years were VERY rocky. She thought I was some gigantic ***** who cheated on my poor, perfect ex, ****ed his friends, refused him intimacy, and denied custody. It doesn't come up anymore, but we also don't talk. 

My husband has never mentioned feeling like a Plan B. That doesn't mean he doesn't feel that way, he just hasn't mentioned it. It is a valid point. I don't personally feel like I put him on ice to reconcile with my ex. There was nothing between us at the time. He could say that I put him on hold for 2 years to focus on myself. Either way, it is a valid point.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

emegr said:


> Every situation is different. How he reacted in one set of circumstances does not equal how he would react in another set. There was enough fall out from him informing me what my ex was doing.
> 
> From the first time he told me to when we had sex? 10 months. From the first time he told me to when we started a relationship? 3 years. He was in a long term relationship for half of those 3 years.
> 
> ...


You clearly did nothing wrong. Your husband did nothing wrong. Your marriage was over.

I'm sorry that some here are giving you a hard time. But this is an open public forum so you will get all kinds of responses. You have calmly answered a lot of questions. Just take the input that you feel is useful to you and ignore the rest.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@emegr

I would probably go as I would not like the idea of my husband being involved with this bunch without me around.

I wonder if there are things that you can do to make new memories there with your now husband. I'm not sure what that would be... maybe have a lot of good sex while you are there. Maybe go for walks, just the two of you and do a lot of talking/bonding. If you focus on him, you might be able to change the 'feel' of the place.

Your ex? Ignore him and his wife a much as you can. Is his wife someone he was cheating with while you were married?


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

If your now husband had come on to this forum, he would have been advised to tell you about your ex-Husband's cheating. BUT he would also have been told not to even think of ****ing you!

He told you and that should have been the end of it and it should have been up to you as to whether you chose to believe it or not. Instead, he went back (sneakily) and got evidence and came back AGAIN to prove to you. That makes him pretty sneaky and creepy! And if you believe he wasn't doing this to get into your pants, then I have a bridge to sell you!


Your ex-husband may have been a cheating creep, but your current husband is no better and YES the two of you were both cheats too. You say he has been an honourable husband and I say so far and as far as you know. He has demonstrated a skill for being sneaky already.

As for going back to the cottage, your now husband wants to rub it in the face of your ex-Husband (who may have beat the crap out of him before).

I would agree that you should not go and that your ex-H should let your group of friends know exactly what your now husband did (since everyone knows about what your ex did).


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> emegr said:
> 
> 
> > Every situation is different. How he reacted in one set of circumstances does not equal how he would react in another set. There was enough fall out from him informing me what my ex was doing.
> ...


Thank you. I'm trying not to get frustrated or offended (I can't say it's working). I know everyone has an opinion, that they are entitled to, and that is the curse and beauty of these sort of sites. It's difficult for me to ignore the posts that (I feel) are bashing my husband.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

emegr said:


> Thank you. I'm trying not to get frustrated or offended (I can't say it's working). I know everyone has an opinion, that they are entitled to, and that is the curse and beauty of these sort of sites. It's difficult for me to ignore the posts that (I feel) are bashing my husband.


I get it.

You really do not need to defend him here. You know what he's like as a husband. It sounds like you are happy with him and your marriage. Good for you. 

One of the problems on forums like this is that we get a very small amount of info. That leaves the reader to fill in with gaps with their imagination. You see how that works out. Clearly some people have great imaginations. :wink2:

Your current issue is where you need to focus and what this thread should focus on.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> @emegr
> 
> I would probably go as I would not like the idea of my husband being involved with this bunch without me around.
> 
> ...


As far as he has told me, his wife was not in the picture when we were married. His word means nothing so I don't know if that is true or not. I don't know if it has changed but for the first 2-3 years of their relationship she didn't know that he cheated and the demise of our marriage was all on me.

I do like the idea of trying to change the image of the cottage that I have in my head. To recall memories of my husband rather than my ex when thinking about that place. I don't know how I'd "overwrite" those memories, but I do like the idea of it. Spending as much time as possible with just my husband is probably a good idea. I've had two people suggest to have sex with him there, for me I think that would be the last thing on my mind. I wouldn't force it but if it felt right then maybe - I love being with him. We can definitely go on a lot of walks, go swimming, there is other stuff to do as well. If I do go I will try my best to be out with the old memories and replace them with new (hopefully good) ones.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

emegr said:


> As far as he has told me, his wife was not in the picture when we were married. His word means nothing so I don't know if that is true or not. I don't know if it has changed but for the first 2-3 years of their relationship she didn't know that he cheated and the demise of our marriage was all on me.
> 
> I do like the idea of trying to change the image of the cottage that I have in my head. To recall memories of my husband rather than my ex when thinking about that place. I don't know how I'd "overwrite" those memories, but I do like the idea of it. Spending as much time as possible with just my husband is probably a good idea. I've had two people suggest to have sex with him there, for me I think that would be the last thing on my mind. I wouldn't force it but if it felt right then maybe - I love being with him. We can definitely go on a lot of walks, go swimming, there is other stuff to do as well. If I do go I will try my best to be out with the old memories and replace them with new (hopefully good) ones.


I think you can do it. Make all about you and your husband. Sure you can spend some time with others, but do so mostly with your ex.


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

manfromlamancha said:


> If your now husband had come on to this forum, he would have been advised to tell you about your ex-Husband's cheating. BUT he would also have been told not to even think of ****ing you!
> 
> He told you and that should have been the end of it and it should have been up to you as to whether you chose to believe it or not. Instead, he went back (sneakily) and got evidence and came back AGAIN to prove to you. That makes him pretty sneaky and creepy! And if you believe he wasn't doing this to get into your pants, then I have a bridge to sell you!
> 
> ...


My husband wasn't thinking about "****ing me" when he told me what was going on... That isn't how our story starts. He did it to because someone had to. He wouldn't do that. 

He didn't sneak around to get evidence. He was my ex-husbands best friend, at that point they were always around each other. He stayed overnight at our house countless times. My ex started hooking up with a woman at a bar, in front of a bunch of his friends then told my husband about it later. My husband wasn't sneaking around, my ex didn't care if he knew because he didn't think he'd ever rat him out.

To say that he is cheating or is going to cheat is incorrect. He is not that type of person. I trust him entirely. 

There is nothing to "rub in my ex's face"... My husband wants to go because his friends are going, not to prove some point. Physical fights that occurred 8 and 10 years ago are irrelevant now, or the group wouldn't still be friends. My ex is not the only person going who my husband has scuffed with. Everyone there knows that my husband told me what was going on.


----------



## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

@emegr Your H seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of vitriol from some other users on here, which in my opinion is unfounded. Do try and ignore these posts, people on here have been hurt in a lot of different ways and seem to believe that everyone is the same as the people they were involved with. To some there are no good men (or women) and everyone has a hidden agenda.

Based on the timeline you have given you did nothing wrong, and neither did he. In fact I would say that he showed you his own integrity when he advised you of your xH's antics. He put his own beliefs regarding monogamy in marriage before his friendship to your xH and I can't help but see honour in this. 

I'm very lucky in that I have a son from a previous relationship, although we were never married. My x (who is now married to one of my closest friends) myself and my W are all very close and do lots together, but this is far from normal. Our breakup was a mutual decision that we did not have enough in common and just didn't work well as a couple. There has never been any animosity.

As for now going with your H to the cottage, that is a tough one. Having never been subject to infidelity its hard for me to fully appreciate the disdain you have for your xH. It would be easy for me to say just go and ignore him while you are there, but with the memories the place holds for you coupled with seeing him around every corner I could imagine it being a rough ride.

You have a tough choice to make here, and I would hope that whichever way you choose your H can understand your position. I know if my W did not want to attend an event for any reason at all (even just not being arsed) I would appreciate her decision and likely not attend myself either. 

Has your H ever explained to you why he feels it would be more awkward if you don't go? Has he ever hinted to you whether anything has been said when he has attended such events before about you not being there?


----------



## emegr (May 30, 2018)

Wooodd said:


> @emegr Your H seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of vitriol from some other users on here, which in my opinion is unfounded. Do try and ignore these posts, people on here have been hurt in a lot of different ways and seem to believe that everyone is the same as the people they were involved with. To some there are no good men (or women) and everyone has a hidden agenda.
> 
> Based on the timeline you have given you did nothing wrong, and neither did he. In fact I would say that he showed you his own integrity when he advised you of your xH's antics. He put his own beliefs regarding monogamy in marriage before his friendship to your xH and I can't help but see honour in this.
> 
> ...


Thank you. It's very difficult for me to sit and watch people bash my husband. They don't know him, so it's impossible for them to judge him. He was the one who took the brunt of the hostility from friends and family, I hate seeing it again. Honestly, seeing the negative comments does two things. In a way it helps me prepare for what people could say to me if I go to the cottage. There are two people going who speak their mind, more so when drunk - and both use to be very heavy drinkers. It also makes me second guess for a moment, which I hate.

I have no desire to be close to my ex. There is too much water under the bridge and it is too far gone. It would be nice to at least be able to be near him or sit beside him at events for our son. Right now we don't fight, but avoid each other. Maybe, maybe, going to the cottage would be the first step in getting use to being around him. For our sons high school graduation family tickets are side by side. It'd be nice to be able to sit beside (or near) him without being miserable inside. If the weekend was somewhere else not on his "turf", it wouldn't be so hard. I still wouldn't be excited to go and wouldnt be sure, but it wouldn't be this hard. 

If I told my husband to stay home, he would. He wouldn't be happy about it, which is why I won't do that to him. He has more respect for me than some people here seem to think. 

We have talked about it. In no particular order: Everyone else has a spouse who is going, he'd be the only one there without, he hates going alone, his friends do make comments/questions about why I'm not around. For him being asked is a frequent reminder. Even just "where's the wife" reminds him that I'm not there because of the past. Sometimes the comments are on the more rude side. They have straight up said that I should be there. The odd time I am around, that's a shock. 

I talked to my husband this morning, asking if he ever feels like plan b (as someone mentioned here). He said no, but he feels like my ex is held just a little bit higher than him. For example me not going out because my ex will be there and I don't want to see him and I don't think it's fair for me to be there invading his space. He wants his wants and needs to trump whatever my ex would feel. And they should. So I'm in the wrong there. 

So the answer is probably, suck it up and go to the cottage. Try and enjoy myself. Hope no one says anything. If it's terrible go home, if I haven't been drinking.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If you liked your ex well enough to spend a weekend with him at his parents cottage, he wouldn't be your ex.

The thought of you all being friends is so very civilized and sophisticated; but, you're not feeling it. Your husband needs to respect your feelings and stop trying to make it all one big, happy family. Time for him to grow up and move on.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

emegr said:


> When my husband asks why I don’t want to go, the first thought is that I don’t want to be back at that cottage. There is too much history there and it’s like time travelling back to a time that I don’t want to relive. Closely followed by the inevitable awkwardness and not wanting to be around those people. I have seen most of those friends since our divorce, and they have never said anything or treated me poorly. My husband has taken the brunt of it, in previous years. When everyone is together and my ex, husband and I are together where we have so much history, there is bound to be comments. Especially with the alcohol added in. There is going to be A LOT of drinking. With the exception of some spouses, everyone going was at my wedding with my ex. But that was 15 years ago, does anyone really care - probably not. It is a situation I’ve been able to avoid for 10 years, dealing with it now brings back a lot. I have anxiety (and right now it’s through the roof) and that could be making me over-think. I know that my husband would not let anyone say anything.
> 
> I have anxiety medication. I have been off of it for a while, but I do have it. If I were to take it over the weekend I would not be able to drink. Pick my battle. *Part of me wants to say that if I were to go I’d need to keep myself tipsy the entire time to be able to tolerate being there. My husband is on board with me staying drunk all weekend if I’ll be there*… I have not spoken to my therapist about this specific issue.


I'm not going to address all the other crap that's floating around this thread, but the part in bold is a killer for me. Your husband is so determined to have you in this place you dread with people you despise that he's okay with you being chemically altered to make it tolerable. That's not how a loving husband treats his wife, that's how a jackass who doesn't love his wife as much as his friends acts.

I can't agree with all the people telling you to medicate in one way or another for this, it's a completely optional trip where no mind altering medication is needed if you just don't go. So just don't go.


----------



## Wooodd (Apr 9, 2018)

emegr said:


> We have talked about it. In no particular order: Everyone else has a spouse who is going, he'd be the only one there without, he hates going alone, his friends do make comments/questions about why I'm not around. For him being asked is a frequent reminder. Even just "where's the wife" reminds him that I'm not there because of the past. Sometimes the comments are on the more rude side. They have straight up said that I should be there. The odd time I am around, that's a shock.


How does your H respond to the comments. Hopefully its with something along the lines of _"That prick ripped my W's heart out and stomped all over it, she doesn't want or need to be around him"_ but I'm guessing not as that would cause a fair bit of awkwardness for everyone there.



emegr said:


> I talked to my husband this morning, asking if he ever feels like plan b (as someone mentioned here). He said no, but he feels like my ex is held just a little bit higher than him. For example me not going out because my ex will be there and I don't want to see him and I don't think it's fair for me to be there invading his space. He wants his wants and needs to trump whatever my ex would feel. And they should. So I'm in the wrong there.


He says no to feeling like Plan B, but at the same time says he believes you hold your xH higher than him (which does describe him as a Plan B in a way). I think his feelings are a little deeper than he is letting on and he maybe said no to you to save your feelings and avoid any possible confrontation. 

Your H's wants and needs should definitely trump your xH's, but it isn't your xH's wants and needs that are in question here is it? Your concern isn't with how your xH would feel about you being there, but how YOU would feel being there. Surely your own wants and needs should be at least on par with your H's. I don't think you are in the wrong for being so conflicted over this.



emegr said:


> So the answer is probably, suck it up and go to the cottage. Try and enjoy myself. Hope no one says anything. If it's terrible go home, if I haven't been drinking.


If you could bring yourself to attend, it could help you learn to stomach being in the same vicinity of your xH as a test run ready for your Son's graduation. If anything is said by anyone put them straight on what happened and don't let them continue to believe that you were responsible for the marriage breaking down, but tell them that its all in the past now and you don't want to discuss it. Easier said than done I know.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck. You are kind of in an unwinnable situation (damned if you do and damned if you don't), and either choice is doing to be difficult.


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I'm not going to address all the other crap that's floating around this thread, but the part in bold is a killer for me. *Your husband is so determined to have you in this place you dread with people you despise that he's okay with you being chemically altered to make it tolerable. That's not how a loving husband treats his wife, that's how a jackass who doesn't love his wife as much as his friends acts.
> 
> *I can't agree with all the people telling you to medicate in one way or another for this, it's a completely optional trip where no mind altering medication is needed if you just don't go. So just don't go.


Read this again.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband is a serial cheater. I don't hang out with him. I don't move within the same circle of friends we shared as a couple, because most of them knew he was a serial cheater and no one ever told me. If there's an event where I know he'll be that would require us to socialize directly, I usually skip it. We get along just fine, co-parent well, and can amicably both attend events for our son. But we are not friends. My SO has no desire to be his friend. I have no desire to be friends with his new wife. While he might get it into his head to invite me to a weekend at the lake (or wherever), it would never occur to me to accept. 

None of that means that I'm still hung up on him. None of it means that I'm letting his needs overshadow my own or my SO's. 

What that does mean, is that I don't want to be around people who have a verifiable history of lying to me, lying about me, using me, emotionally and verbally abusing me, and betraying my trust on a very fundamental level. Interestingly, my SO also doesn't want to be around someone who would do that to me. We, neither of us, like the reality of who my ex-husband is, so he's not someone either of us would choose to spend much time with. We don't choose to spend time with the "friends" who helped him conceal his cheating either, for the same reasons. We think they're not good people and we don't like their characters. 

OP, why is your husband so attached to a group of people who he knows hurt you? Why does he want to spend time with a man he knows betrayed you? Why does he want to be best friends with someone of such low character? Why does he want you to spend a great deal of time with someone, several someones, you don't like? Why is he choosing to signal glad acceptance of the actions, and character, of group of people who exposed someone he loves to humiliation, ridicule, and betrayal?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> I can't agree with all the people telling you to medicate in one way or another for this, it's a completely optional trip where no mind altering medication is needed if you just don't go. So just don't go.


As one who suggested mind altering medication, I agree with you, but I think she's going to go. If she does, it would be worse for her if her anxiety got out of control.

Seriously, I think the dynamic of the group being described is unhealthy. They enable each other in horrid behavior, fight with each other (even physically), and don't really hold each other to a higher standard. But you can only control yourself. Emergr can't do anything about her husband's involvement with the group and I don't see her opting out of this event.

However, @emergr, maybe if you get in to see your therapist you can get what you need in order to opt out of this event. I don't think it's healthy to plan to be drunk and stoned to manage being around people you are basically afraid of. I don't think you should go. Who cares if people wonder why you aren't there. You aren't on this earth to please them or to answer to them. I think it's disheartening that your husband doesn't understand your anxiety over this, but that's because he loves this group of people so much that he has stuck with them through all the dysfunction to the point of reestablishing his relationship with your ex.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> If you liked your ex well enough to spend a weekend with him at his parents cottage, he wouldn't be your ex.
> 
> The thought of you all being friends is so very civilized and sophisticated; but, you're not feeling it. Your husband needs to respect your feelings and stop trying to make it all one big, happy family. Time for him to grow up and move on.


I agree.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

emegr said:


> When my husband asks why I don’t want to go, *the first thought is that I don’t want to be back at that cottage. There is too much history there and it’s like time travelling back to a time that I don’t want to relive.* Closely followed by the inevitable awkwardness and not wanting to be around those people. I have seen most of those friends since our divorce, and they have never said anything or treated me poorly. My husband has taken the brunt of it, in previous years. When everyone is together and my ex, husband and I are together where we have so much history, there is bound to be comments. Especially with the alcohol added in. There is going to be A LOT of drinking. With the exception of some spouses, everyone going was at my wedding with my ex. But that was 15 years ago, does anyone really care - probably not. It is a situation I’ve been able to avoid for 10 years, dealing with it now brings back a lot. I have anxiety (and right now it’s through the roof) and that could be making me over-think. I know that my husband would not let anyone say anything.
> 
> I have anxiety medication. I have been off of it for a while, but I do have it. If I were to take it over the weekend I would not be able to drink. Pick my battle. Part of me wants to say that if I were to go I’d need to keep myself tipsy the entire time to be able to tolerate being there. My husband is on board with me staying drunk all weekend if I’ll be there… I have not spoken to my therapist about this specific issue.


Those two reasons are sufficient on their own.



emegr said:


> Your timeline is correct. My opinion and my husband’s opinion is that it was not cheating. The marriage was over. If it would have been anyone other than my ex’s friend, I don’t think anyone would ever think anything of it. My ex has a different opinion and for a long time said what I did was worse than what he did. His opinion means nothing to me. *He had completely moved out, said he wanted a divorce, proposed a custody schedule and said he filed for divorce*, then I slept with my now-husband. The marriage was over.


I agree with you in that instance. There is only a marriage because of the timeline to get rid of a piece of paper. A marriage isn't a piece of paper or a ring it's a relationship.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Okay I just now read through this thread, and that is fifteen minutes of my life I'll never get back. 

OP you need to cut all contact with your exH except for the brief appearances together for the kids. You and him and your current husband are a big ball of weirdness. You feel icky about the whole f*cked up situation because it is f*cked up. 

It just astounds me how rational people end up complicating their lives. And I feel bad that the kids have such crap role models.


----------



## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> Okay I just now read through this thread, and that is fifteen minutes of my life I'll never get back.
> 
> OP you need to cut all contact with your exH except for the brief appearances together for the kids. You and him and your current husband are a big ball of weirdness. You feel icky about the whole f*cked up situation because it is f*cked up.
> 
> It just astounds me how rational people end up complicating their lives. And I feel bad that the kids have such crap role models.


Exactly ... I'm a firm believer that when you divorce someone, you divorce their entire family, friends, etc. You make it a complete break going forward. When I got divorced, that's exactly what we did ... we didn't even co-parent. She took care of the kids when she had them, and I did the same with my time. We were like oil and water and never should have M'd, so trying to force a co-parenting relationship or anything else would have gone worse than being totally separated from each other. The kids had 2 black and white lifestyles to choose between, and when they were old enough to make their own choices, they both chose to live with me.

People don't have to live like the OP, they CHOOSE to live in that drama filled lifestyle. Neither my current W or I have any desire to socialize with any of our ex-spouses/BF's/GF's. That is just unnecessary drama that's best avoided. Personally, I'd advise the OP to have a heart to heart with her H and establish some drama free rules going forward that would look a lot like what I just described, but I doubt that will happen, as most people that I've experienced that live a drama filled life, do so because they thrive on the drama a chaos that goes with it.


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TheBohannons said:


> So in short, you decided to end sexual relations with your (husband) and became good freinds with his freind. Your exH said f-that and had sex somewhere else. His good buddy whispered in your ear of the infraction. You confronted, he denied, and the sexless marriage continued. He went for it again, (set up by this same good buddy who just happened to be there for pictures) and his "freind" whispered in your ear again and showed you photos.
> 
> Of course this good "freind" of your exH had no motives at all. Ok.
> 
> ...


I suggest a reading comprehension course, sweetie


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

emegr said:


> My husband wasn't thinking about "****ing me" when he told me what was going on... That isn't how our story starts. He did it to because someone had to. He wouldn't do that.
> 
> He didn't sneak around to get evidence. He was my ex-husbands best friend, at that point they were always around each other. He stayed overnight at our house countless times. My ex started hooking up with a woman at a bar, in front of a bunch of his friends then told my husband about it later. My husband wasn't sneaking around, my ex didn't care if he knew because he didn't think he'd ever rat him out.
> 
> ...


Your husband would have some credibility if he did not:




Eventually get into your pants (which shows ulterior motive for doing what he did).


Go back and get evidence after telling you the first time (which backs up the above point).


He was NEVER a friend to your ex-H and most men here would agree with that. He should have told your husband that he was going to end the friendship and tell you before telling you.


Having said all that, it was good that he told you as somebody needed to - I agree with that. None of this makes your ex-H a good guy but it also does not make your current husband a good guy either. It was wrong to hook up with you and the same goes for you. At the very least, you two should have waited for a while before jumping in the sack together and by that I am talking at least a year or so. That would have given you time to recover and also see if you really liked this guy or maybe see him for the weasel he was too.

As for those telling you to ignore what people like me are telling you, I would say the same applies to them. They are coming from a point of view that might be I did something similar so it cannot be wrong.

You, of course, can choose to ignore anyone you please but if you come on to a public forum, expect to get different points of view and some of these might just be based on experience.

Your ex-H is a creep and your current one is a weasel. Devil and deep blue sea! Be careful going forward. There might be someone out there for you who is neither.


----------



## Lifesontheup (Jun 1, 2018)

I wouldn't go and your husband should respect that decision.


----------

