# Husbands gawking and flirting



## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

advice, wisdom...what can u help me with? My husbands gawking and flirting is more than I can take. If we are out he gawks at every decent female - blatantly - a look, a 2nd look and he'll turn again to look if shes hot. If we're in a store walking side by side and a cute clerk is arranging a rack suddenly hes 20' behind me in a laughing chat with the clerk...or the girl at the admissions gate to a baseball tourney...or the girl coming out of the bathroom at the movies etc. He does not expend the same charm on me. If we're in a gym for our boys wrestling I can pick out the 3 prettiest women- and by end of day he has somehow managed to find a way to initiate a conversation with at least 2 of them - while Im in the bathroom or whatever. It seems the only time I get his attn is when Im finally the only one in the room - that feels demeaning! I tried to gently initiate a talk about it but after one sentence he gets angry about his 'harmless' 'friendly' behavior and refuses to talk or listen and of course I am being ridiculous. We went thru his internet porn addiction for a couple years...he's been clean about 2 yrs now (if u dont count recording every smutty cinemax show). Before that it was a borderline inappropriate friendship with a neighbor - I dont know if that cured because he wanted it to or because she moved. But for 5 yrs now it seems its one thing after another involving women. To top it off the subject came up in front of his mom...who said she always thought it fine for a man to flirt as long as hes going home with you...based on that philosophy we should be able to treat a spouse however we want and as long as they go home with us we should be grateful - and I fully disagree with that! On th flip if a guy looks at me he gets mad at me. He also frequently mentions oh how that one checked him out...or looked him up and down etc. I do not have low self esteem - the opposite - I look very good - and I find his behaviour rude, disrespectful, and irrespective of my feelings. It has put quite the damper on my normally naturally strong libido - and yet the tacit ability to flirt , stare, and gawk at, other women seems to be more important to him than our sex life - and he has a strong libido.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I was about to reply "Come on! Some folks are just natural flirts, learn to accept us!" But then... I read this:



> He does not expend the same charm on me.


Never? Well that can be a problem then. Have you considered playing the same game back? It's not like he's taking it too far so far (I hope)


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

Randomdude; I dont really want to play games. He virtually ignores me or is short with me...until bed time then Im suddenly supposed to be in the mood. And no he doesnt have opportunity ie time to take it too far. If you went on a date and spent the entire time chatting up and gawking at other chicks would you expect to get laid by your date that night? I expect even a little more out someone who loves me and is my husband. And he is jealous and posessive and has a fit if I talk to any man so doing it back would compound the problem.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

jennie70 said:


> Randomdude; I dont really want to play games. He virtually ignores me or is short with me...until bed time then Im suddenly supposed to be in the mood. And no he doesnt have opportunity ie time to take it too far. If you went on a date and spent the entire time chatting up and gawking at other chicks would you expect to get laid by your date that night? I expect even a little more out someone who loves me and is my husband. And he is jealous and posessive and has a fit if I talk to any man so doing it back would compound the problem.


Ahhh I see, so its ok for him to do it but if you were to do what he does, it wouldn't fly! Let me ask you this, what would be a deal breaker for you? Do have any boundaries for yourself in the marriage as far as what you will and will not put up with? He gawks and flirts with others, but not you. He is getting over porn addictions, had borderline inappropriate friendship with a neighbor, and you find his behaviour rude, disrespectful, and irrespective of your feelings.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You will have to withdraw from him to wake him up a bit. Playing the game is optional but in my opinion it may help, you mentioned he is jealous and possessive - you can use that to your benefit. But yes, it's risky, and it may backfire into a serious fight until he may even possibly cheat.

Personally I flirt a lot whenever I get the chance, but the missus has zero competition and she knows it. Some types of women however do tap into her insecurity and those I avoid out of respect. I've always encouraged her to do the same but since marriage she's taken up the 'good girl' stance, even if she's a natural flirt herself.

Have you talked to him about this?
One thing to note however, considering *he's jealous and possessive yet "expects" you to be different in this regard - shows something - insecurity*. It seems like he's getting off over the prospect of you being jealous. Hence you will have to withdraw from him a bit.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

jennie70,

I don't know how explicitly you have explained the effect that his behavior is having on your libido but if you have not explained this to him in no uncertain terms, then you really should. I saw where you say you tried to gently talk to him about it and he gets mad. Don't worry about being gentle or his anger. You are being disrespected by the man that should respect you the most. Maybe he needs to be hit over the head with this.

In the event that he continues to act this way, then you need to decide how to proceed. Unfortunately, I don't have any answers in this regard. I did just want to say that you are not wrong for feeling how you feel, in my opinion.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Ugh I hate that!!! It is one of the difficult things in marriage for me is that youre in such a close relationship with someone usually you are the scapegoat for their frustrations, etc. Of course the clerk isnt going to piss you off because you dont have a mortgage with her! I hate when my husband and I get into an argument then he goes off to work and laughs it up with his coworkers and is all nice with them (female & male). It just makes you feel like youre married to them but youre the least favorable person in their life!!

If I were you I would go try to get an obnoxiously large ring (even if it is fake) so that it is more obvious that you are married. Maybe get him a new large shiny obvious wedding band so there is no question. 

Have you tried asking him if hes attracted to other people more than you? My husband used to have naked girls on his screen saver and do the porn stuff too and I just put a complete stop to that. I dont think they understand they it hurts our feelings or why.

I wish you luck- marriage is quite frustrating!


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

Trey...I know it sounds lax on my boundaries...but relationships are complicated. Its not a simple as just love - life together encompasses so much more and if you throw out the bad the good gets thrown out too...and there is good between us too - and I quite like him. I believe my own sexual frustration isnt helping but Im just not turned on by this behavior lol. I know other men look at me as much as he looks at other women - I accept it but I dont respond personally to it - that is the key difference in my boundaries compared to his - and he initiates a response from women constantly. I could easily do the same but prefer to attempt a mature route...is that just complicating it? From a mans point of view maybe it would just work better to flirt my ass off too -hard for me to not look at it from chicks view since 'I am what I am" lol


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

thx confused---nice to hear from a lady. I prefer to be nicest to the ones I love! And I too often feel last on the list of people my husband likes!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm not saying you should throw in the towel on your marriage, however I do stand by the saying, "You teach people how to treat you." I'm not saying you deserve how he acts to you either, I'm simply saying, at some point you will have to come to some kind of conclusion on what your opitions might be...either he doesn't change his ways and he continues on and you still feel frustrated with what he is doing/not doing. Or you take the bull by the horns and put your foot down somehow to get your point across to him how serious you are about how this is affecting you. He might change, he might not. If he doesn't, then your choices would be to live with it or not.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The guy has no sense of decency. As a man, I look, but I don't gawk/flirt, and NEVER in front of my W, because I know she doesn't like it, and, it's pretty rude and lower than a snake full of buckshot. 

How about this: "hire" a hotty to walk by you and your H, and make sure a big testosterone fueled jock is with her, and have the guy scream: "Whaddya doin' lookin' at my girl, 'ya pervert!"


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

He is being disrespectful to you.If he is not going out of his way to chat it up with everyone he finds, but only the pretty girls. Maybe it's an ego boost to him. To him, it may be harmless, but to you, if it hurts your feelings, then it's not OK. 

If I were you, I would (once again) let him know how it made me feel. Whether he thinks it's OK or not, let him know that to you, it's not OK. If it's no big deal (like he says), then it should be no problem for him to quit doing it. Let him know that the next time he does this, you're leaving the scene. If he does it again, head for the door, and go home.


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

I hate this too. So much in this thread rings true for me. Makes me sad and I wish I could change it. In my case, I think it's about both of us pulling back from each other for different reasons and then having too much pride to be vulnerable for the other person again. Ugh.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jennie,
Why is he doing this? I can think of only two obvious motivations:
1. He constantly needs the reassurance from other women that he is attractive (this is deep insecurity on his part)
2. He is deliberately punishing you

Could be both. As for this "some people just like to flirt" nonsense - yes they do - it feeds their ego. Healthy people do NOT feed their ego's in a way that harms their spouses self esteem. 

Regardless of that I have a suggestion. When he does this - in a nice calm polite way tell him "you are leaving". And then do it. If that means you need to bring 2 cars for a while do it. If that means you need to arrange for a friend to be available to give you a ride - do that. But find a way you can leave and then leave. 

I am in a LTR and can tell you neither of us would ever do anything like what you describe. It is incredibly disrespectful.



jennie70 said:


> Trey...I know it sounds lax on my boundaries...but relationships are complicated. Its not a simple as just love - life together encompasses so much more and if you throw out the bad the good gets thrown out too...and there is good between us too - and I quite like him. I believe my own sexual frustration isnt helping but Im just not turned on by this behavior lol. I know other men look at me as much as he looks at other women - I accept it but I dont respond personally to it - that is the key difference in my boundaries compared to his - and he initiates a response from women constantly. I could easily do the same but prefer to attempt a mature route...is that just complicating it? From a mans point of view maybe it would just work better to flirt my ass off too -hard for me to not look at it from chicks view since 'I am what I am" lol


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## marriagesucks (Sep 24, 2010)

I had this same problem with my husband. I know exactly how you feel. It makes me feel embarrassed and disrespected but when I bring it up to him he gets angry with me and says I am ridiculous. That all changed when one day we were at a small restaurant at a nice vacation spot. A pretty blonde "stepford" wife and her two beautiful small blonde children came in with her mother and handsome 40 something handsome husband. They were obviously staying at the luxury hotel next door. The wife looked like she was proud of her family and felt privileged.

In walks a saucy looking dark brunette in a one shoulder red dress. Well the husband could not stop staying at this woman! She sat to his left and he would actually turn his head around to look at her...and it was not just a glance... His stepford wife tried to ignore it but I could tell she was mortified. Her whole dimenor changed. Her chin wasn't held high anymore. My husband's back was to this so I was telling him blow by blow what was happening. I was laughing sometimes but mostly just so embarrassed for her that I told my husband we had to go because I couldn't watch this pathetic situation.

Since then my husband realized how shameful it looked and that other people do notice.

Our relationship was also not the greatest. But as it got better, he seems more sensitive to my feelings about it. I am sure too that he was giving his friends and family reason to believe he may be cheating or wanting to have an affair. When I go out with him now and there are pretty girls around I see him trying hard not to look. I also recently lost weight and feel better about myself. I definitely feel more attractive and he compliments me more now. He is also more aware that maybe I might run off with some other guy.

I think it is a combination of his obsession/addiction to women and a sign that there are problems in the relationship. I think if your relationship was better he would be more considerate of your feelings and TRY not to make it so obvious that he likes to look at other women. My husband admits he is a bit selfish. It is this selfish behavior that first lets him seek to satisfy his obsession with out considering your feelings. If there are problems with the relationship this will make him even less likely to consider how you feel.

What to do? What I eventually did was focus on yourself. If dress nice, dress even nicer. Pull it up a notch. Whatever it takes for you to feel great about yourself. Spend less time with him so you don't put yourself in these situations. Become a little more alouf. He will notice and wonder what the hell is going on. Let him do his own thing and you do your own. That is what helped bring my H around. If not, look great and you might just find yourself with someone else that appreciates you better.


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

Thank you...your attitude makes me a picture a confident self aware man with a lucky woman


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

Thank you...I did get some replies that flirting is a personality trait...then again I was drinking partyer b4 getting married with kids and I changed that - I think its called growing up! At the end of the day yesterday I somehow clicked into some inner peace and let go of anger - doesnt mean I accept it as okay but the effect on me is less. Looking is ok but my husband is like our boys - never seems to have the control to know when to stop. I am working on re-defining his definition of 'harmless'.


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## jennie70 (Jan 5, 2011)

Thx for the help...unfortunately the better our relationship the more my hubby takes me for granted and therefore advantage of me. Seems like there is always some form of addiction to women - get thru one (like the porn) and another pops into place. And hes 43 this year so its prob gonna get worse! Our boys have a wrestling tourney this wkend - gym full of moms and wives! I'll let u know how that pans out! Bet he ditches me and I find him talking to the prettiest mom - funny how he says hes 'friendly' but hes not friendly to the the less attractive (but just as nice!) moms!!!


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

In my experience if they are doing this they are sometimes doing more when you are not around. In my situation the whole porn, flirting thing seemed connected and then he took me to Hooters on Halloween because the girls were dressed up in "school girl" costumes! This was on our "date night" and he is almost 50! I finally just told him his behavior mortified me, the porn, the flirting, the obsession with 20 year old girls. I told him he was very disrespectful and making an ass out of himself. Problem is that I suspect he now does all this stuff but just hides it better, but I can't confirm it. If I could I would leave. I guess I wasn't much help, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.


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## Bad News (Nov 4, 2010)

The gawking and flirting is awful, and rude. While its natural for men to identify attractive females and glance now and then, the flirting clearly crosses the line especially since he knows or should know that it bothers you. You mentioned your reluctance to play games, but have you considered dressing in a more provocative way when you guys are out together? You wouldn't need to necessarily flirt with other men, but the attention your likely to draw might preoccupy your hubby from his unpleasant behavior!


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

that's disgusting. you only have really one option. You need to tell him you want time alone and that you are moving out or in with a friend for awhile , and actually do it! if he apologizes and begs for you back then you lay down the boundaries that he has to follow and tell him he gets one chance only.such as things like.. -He must not stare at other women in a noticeably rude way that makes you feel uncomfortable.-He must not get angry when you tell him how you feel, in fact he has to listen. also in my opinion if he has no business talking with other girls unless its for a reason ,then he shouldn't be trying to seek attention from them. Tell him if he wants to act like he is in high school then you will be happy to make him single again. If he loves you he will change his bad behavior for the good of your relationship. 

by doing this you will have accomplished

-seeing where his loyalty is
-possibly making him understand his offensive behavior
-letting him know you are not that kind of women and that you have more respect for yourself
-also you will get to see how much respect he has for you

also my partner would NEVER do any of these things he wont even look at another girl in that way, he doesn't feel the need to period.


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