# Help. Married 37 years and feel stuck.



## Travelmom

I've been married 37 years. College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again. He was a much better husband. Last year, he chose to retire early after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still... We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? I love him but don't really like him. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.


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## Jimi007

You want to have fun and excitement. 
With or without your husband ?
What kind of fun and excitement ?


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## EleGirl

Travelmom said:


> I've been married 37 years. College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again. He was a much better husband. Last year, he chose to retire early after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still... We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? I love him but don't really like him. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.


Have you tried planning activities that you find fun & exciting and then asking him to join you?

If you have, how does he respond?


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## gameopoly5

Travelmom said:


> I've been married 37 years. College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again. He was a much better husband. Last year, he chose to retire early after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still... We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? I love him but don't really like him. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.


My now second wife and I have been married for 35 years and we are both retired.
When we are older and no longer working us older folks still want to have a purpose in life, otherwise it becomes a case of doing very little, getting older and waiting to die.
You say your husband has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it?
This is because considering he is now not working he does not want to go into life stagnation and needs to keep himself mentally and physically active.
My wife and I live in Chiang Mai Thailand. I was becoming bored and so I with a friend created an expats group here until Covid knocked that on the head.
But I still have my interests and hobbies as does my wife.
It doesn`t mean just because a person is a grandparent their life should 100% revolve around family.
Chill out and give your husband some slack.
I am sure your husband would have no objections to you having some fun and excitement providing it`s nothing too crazy.
Enjoy your grandchildren, enjoy your husband rather than criticising what he does or what he doesn`t do and also find your own entertainment. This way you can have the best of all worlds in happiness and contentment in your older years.


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## Young at Heart

Travelmom said:


> I've been *married 37 years.* College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just *before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again*. He was a much better husband. Last year, *he chose to retire early* after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. *Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team.* Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? *One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still..*. We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? *I love him but don't really like him*. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. *I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.*


I am really sorry that you don't like your husband any more. Have you tried to work with him on fixing that? I understand that his affair hurt you and that you still have trust issues. If he is showing you his texts, he probably understands the need for his transparency. I think I understand some of your feelings and what your fears may be.

My wife and I have been married 51 years. At about 37 or 38 years of marriage, my wife told me she would never have sex with me again. To me that was not marriage and I was not going to put up with it. We worked through our problems with the help of a great marriage counselor and Sex Therapist. 

Just before we retired, I insisted on a "pre-retirement marriage tune-up." Sort of like taking your car into the shop to have everything checked out prior to a long road trip. May I suggest that the two of you try the same thing?

Also prior to retirement, I went to several seminars and read several books. There is an incredible amount of good information on retirement financial planning. There is not much good information on two very important topics: (1) Finding social fulfillment in retirement and (2) How marriage changes in retirement. Those are areas where a good counselor can help.

I am a real believer in visualization and affirmations as a way to positively change your life. We talked about and visualized what we wanted to "achieve" in retirement. We figured out some new hobbies, walking, wine tasting, traveling. We downsized our home, to a condo so we have more free time (no lawn to mow, gutters to clean, leaves to rake, etc.) and are in walking distance to stores, restaurants and community activities. My wife feels like she is making a difference with a local non-profit that helps people in need. She has strengthened her ties to the community by doing this. I have done some school volunteering in classes of my grandchildren. I have also been doing some part-time work in my profession. We are also traveling more and seeing things we only dreamed about, when we were younger.

One of the harsh realities we discussed was that at some point one of use will become frail and need the other to help care for them. That scares both of us, but it has helped to discuss it and realize our future. One of the things I insisted on was how we can maintain an intimate sensual and/or sexual connection as we age. What are ways we can still accomplish some of our dreams as we become weaker and more frail? 

We are lucky in that we have seen other couples and friends we know who are facing these challenges before we need to. We talk about it and see what we can learn from them. We also have a couple of close friends who are now widows and we call them and visit with them. We have one widowed friend who has real mobility problems, but loves to travel. She has taught us that there are ways to get airlines help you with your luggage and transport you across airports. As she has aged and become less mobile, her trips are now more on cruise ships or to ADA friendly hotels, where she can go out on relatively flat streets with nearby sights. She has really been a mentor.

The point of all this is that you can make a better life for yourself. You can use this frustration as a wake-up call to work with your H on building a better relationship and committing to a future you both look forward to as a couple.

Good luck.


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## D0nnivain

I agree that him getting involved is probably more of him needing purpose & to be active now that he's retired. I also agree that you are right to be concerned about this other woman. He seems to be putting too much energy into her. Energy into the cause his fine. Interacting with her while ignoring / excluding you is problematic. 

Can you discuss your concerns with him? Is there anything he can do to reassure you? It also sounds like you resent having to be the bread winner / insurance provider.


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## Travelmom

Not sure. That is why I'm confused. Time to move on?


EleGirl said:


> Have you tried planning activities that you find fun & exciting and then asking him to join you?
> 
> If you have, how does he respond?


Yes. I love the beach, travel, kayaking, festivals, hiking. He lives for hunting and fishing. He goes on a month long solo hunting trip every year. He also takes a few 2-3 week solo backpacking trips. I have summers off, but that is prime hunting and fishing season, so I do my activities alone or with friends or my kids. He will join every once in a while, but always saved his vacation time for his trips. Now that he is retired, he prefers to stay home except for hunting season.


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## SunCMars

Travelmom said:


> Not sure. That is why I'm confused. Time to move on?
> 
> Yes. I love kayaking, He lives for fishing.


I edited out most of your post, but the above.

Being a [boating] fisherman myself, I have seen husband and wife, fishing for bass, out of their kayaks.

Looks like a lot of fun, and is good exercise.


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## Loves Coffee

Travelmom said:


> I've been married 37 years. College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again. He was a much better husband. Last year, he chose to retire early after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still... We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? I love him but don't really like him. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.


This just comes across that you don't want your relationship to work. Both of the issues you raised were things that you have to overcome if you want the marriage to work. Big emphasis on IF. Did you just come here to vent or are you actually looking to make your marriage work?


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## DallasCowboyFan

Sounds like his emotional needs are being met by someone else and yours are just not being met. Texting another woman that much is an emotional affair. Sounds like he doesn't take time for you and really isn't into you. You deserve so much more


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## re16

Sounds like a serial cheater, you've only caught him once.

He is in an emotional affair again now.

I would not recommend that anyone tolerate that kind of behavior.


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## Travelmom

D0nnivain said:


> I agree that him getting involved is probably more of him needing purpose & to be active now that he's retired. I also agree that you are right to be concerned about this other woman. He seems to be putting too much energy into her. Energy into the cause his fine. Interacting with her while ignoring / excluding you is problematic.
> 
> Can you discuss your concerns with him? Is there anything he can do to reassure you? It also sounds like you resent having to be the bread winner / insurance provider.


He told me he is involved only because others keep asking his advice and he loves the attention. As for resentment, maybe a little. I have always pulled my weight. He worked for a huge medical organization and got free medical. 2 more years working for them and we would have both had medical for life. He retired at 59 because when he was 20, he made a life plan that included retiring before 60. He is a creature of routine. He can't deviate. Out kids have always said that he puts far more energy into others and himself than into the family.


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## Anastasia6

Travelmom said:


> He told me he is involved only because others keep asking his advice and he loves the attention. As for resentment, maybe a little. I have always pulled my weight. He worked for a huge medical organization and got free medical. 2 more years working for them and we would have both had medical for life. He retired at 59 because when he was 20, he made a life plan that included retiring before 60. He is a creature of routine. He can't deviate. Out kids have always said that he puts far more energy into others and himself than into the family.


I do our families financial planning and I'm trying to get my husband out at 60. But if 2 more years would be free medical for life then yes he would work 2 more years.

I'd be so pissed if I was you that he didn't stay for that. It is probably also better health care than medicare and would have been available 3 years before medicare.


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## D0nnivain

Travelmom said:


> He worked for a huge medical organization and got free medical. 2 more years working for them and we would have both had medical for life. He retired at 59 because when he was 20, he made a life plan that included retiring before 60.


that would make me furious. How short sighted. Medical care is the most expensive thing about retirement. The fact that he kept to some stupid schedule / plan he made at 20 rather than do the responsible thing is insane. He could have sucked it up for 2 more years. Yuck. 

Only you can decide if you are better off with him or without him. It doesn't sound like he will ever change & put anybody else 1st.


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## Travelmom

Loves Coffee said:


> This just comes across that you don't want your relationship to work. Both of the issues you raised were things that you have to overcome if you want the marriage to work. Big emphasis on IF. Did you just come here to vent or are you actually looking to make your marriage work?


I appreciate those who both allowed me to vent, but also have good suggestions. As a mental health professional, I know there is room for both. I'm not quite sure where you got the idea that I don't want it to work, but thanks for the post.


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## She'sStillGotIt

*


re16 said:



Sounds like a serial cheater, you've only caught him once.

Click to expand...

*Agreed.

OP, that affair you found out about probably *wasn't *the first time he cheated on you. 

It's just the first time you CAUGHT him.


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## uwe.blab

Travelmom said:


> I've been married 37 years. College sweethearts. Life flew by. Just before 30 years he had an affair. Very short but hurtful. I finally agreed to try again. He was a much better husband. Last year, he chose to retire early after a stressful medical career. He left me to cover health care for both of us which is fine but leaves little income. Now he has gotten super involved in union in his former medical team. Why??? He says to improve the world and his profession. Why not when he was in it? One of the people involved is a woman he worked with who he is enamored with. She is married but told me her husband is busy. They text constantly. He shows me texts, which are professional but still... We have 3 grandchildren under 3. My life revolves around family. His revolves around being popular and revered. Where do I go from here? I love him but don't really like him. His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring. I love my job in the counseling field and want to have fun and excitement.


So you are around 60, or late 50's now. How is your sex life? Does it still exist and are you both satisfied?


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## ccpowerslave

Travelmom said:


> His days involve waking up at 5, working out, watching the news, a few projects, watching more news, having a cocktail or 3, and then going to bed. I am finding him so boring.


I got up at 5, watching the news, figuring out my workout, then I am going to work on a couple projects, watch more news with a cocktail or 3, then going to bed.🥺

Anyway… ignoring the cheating stuff; as someone who is generally a home body except for working out I would just straight up tell him you’re bored and what you want him to do. 

I made changes in the last few years to say yes to travel with my wife. Previously I’d tell her to go with friend(s) and she did. Like you, she was bored and could care less about my home hobbies. I started saying yes to a lot of things I said no to. It improved our relationship a lot to the point where even my own friends noticed.

As for your husband’s Union activity, my father did similar when he “retired”. He wanted to hang out away from the house and go to “working lunch” aka bars with his buddies. He worked as a volunteer for a few years before they ended that. It’s basically the fun part of work (the social part) without having to produce anything. It was also important for him to get away from my mom because she can be a lot.

I don’t know if you’re a lot or not, but my wife isn’t. So I don’t have any need to try and get out of the house other than working out.


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## SunCMars

Young at Heart said:


> I am really sorry that you don't like your husband any more. Have you tried to work with him on fixing that? I understand that his affair hurt you and that you still have trust issues. If he is showing you his texts, he probably understands the need for his transparency. I think I understand some of your feelings and what your fears may be.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 51 years. At about 37 or 38 years of marriage, my wife told me she would never have sex with me again. To me that was not marriage and I was not going to put up with it. We worked through our problems with the help of a great marriage counselor and Sex Therapist.
> 
> Just before we retired, I insisted on a "pre-retirement marriage tune-up." Sort of like taking your car into the shop to have everything checked out prior to a long road trip. May I suggest that the two of you try the same thing?
> 
> Also prior to retirement, I went to several seminars and read several books. There is an incredible amount of good information on retirement financial planning. There is not much good information on two very important topics: (1) Finding social fulfillment in retirement and (2) How marriage changes in retirement. Those are areas where a good counselor can help.
> 
> I am a real believer in visualization and affirmations as a way to positively change your life. We talked about and visualized what we wanted to "achieve" in retirement. We figured out some new hobbies, walking, wine tasting, traveling. We downsized our home, to a condo so we have more free time (no lawn to mow, gutters to clean, leaves to rake, etc.) and are in walking distance to stores, restaurants and community activities. My wife feels like she is making a difference with a local non-profit that helps people in need. She has strengthened her ties to the community by doing this. I have done some school volunteering in classes of my grandchildren. I have also been doing some part-time work in my profession. We are also traveling more and seeing things we only dreamed about, when we were younger.
> 
> One of the harsh realities we discussed was that at some point one of use will become frail and need the other to help care for them. That scares both of us, but it has helped to discuss it and realize our future. One of the things I insisted on was how we can maintain an intimate sensual and/or sexual connection as we age. What are ways we can still accomplish some of our dreams as we become weaker and more frail?
> 
> We are lucky in that we have seen other couples and friends we know who are facing these challenges before we need to. We talk about it and see what we can learn from them. We also have a couple of close friends who are now widows and we call them and visit with them. We have one widowed friend who has real mobility problems, but loves to travel. She has taught us that there are ways to get airlines help you with your luggage and transport you across airports. As she has aged and become less mobile, her trips are now more on cruise ships or to ADA friendly hotels, where she can go out on relatively flat streets with nearby sights. She has really been a mentor.
> 
> The point of all this is that you can make a better life for yourself. You can use this frustration as a wake-up call to work with your H on building a better relationship and committing to a future you both look forward to as a couple.
> 
> Good luck.


What you wrote is wonderful.
It is.

But, these things and attempts and actions require both parties.

It is usually the case where, one or the other, has no interest or compulsion to do these things.


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## SunCMars

Travelmom said:


> I appreciate those who both allowed me to vent, but also have good suggestions. As a mental health professional, I know there is room for both. I'm not quite sure where you got the idea that I don't want it to work, but thanks for the post.


You know better, by training.
The challenges we face in life cannot be overcome by thoughtful words.

It takes desire, something that is hard to instill in others.

Having a husband as a patient only complicates (comprises) any wishful outcomes.

Life is hard, as are human heads.


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## Young at Heart

SunCMars said:


> What you wrote is wonderful.
> It is.
> 
> But, these things and attempts and actions require both parties.
> 
> It is usually the case where, one or the other, has no interest or compulsion to do these things.


Thank you. It does take two fully committed people to rebuild a marriage.

However, sometimes when one of them is staring at a certainty of divorce and the financial and lifestyle disruption, they may have second thoughts.

If either of them might want to save the marriage, then there are some options that they can work with their spouse on, however, the spouse has to understand what is at stake and feel that the benefits outweigh the cost and hassle of trying to fix a marriage. At least that is what a sex therapist convinced my wife.


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