# Needing advice on how to not be resentful.



## lonelynewlywed

I read a post similar to mine a few posts down and they didn't get much response so that worries me that maybe no one knows the answer yet I know others have gone through it. I am currently a stay at home mom, not by choice, but my job is seasonal and our daughter just had a liver transplant 2 months ago, so the timing was perfect. I do all the usual housewife duties plus some. I take care of most of the vehicles , am solo caregiver to our 2 yr old, the only cook, cleaner, laundry person, dog trainer, hand woman(yes I fix my own stuff because it would take him 2 weeks to put something together for me). I feel like I always look like the bit** because I am always angry but it is because I feel unappreciated. My husband works a good job and travels an hour to work each day (he does carpool) but in the spring/summer/fall I work more hours than he does and still do the same amoutn of work. He comes home and sits on the couch. I'll ask him to do minor things like the dishwasher and he tells me he will but by the time he remembers its 1030 at night and he is tired an says tomorrow (how do you work around dirty dishes all day?) So my real reason for resentment is that my husband is a volunteer firefighter and he his life is firefighting (even though they have like 4 real calls a yr). He spends at least 2 (4hour nights) a week(after work) there doing training some weekends with 16 hours of training and then because they rely on him several hours in between do little thing. He never tells them no and does alot of the leg work for the place. Yet if I ask him to unload the dishwasher it is too difficult. 
Yes I knew he loved the fire co when we first got together but he also loved me and helped me and was different (or so I thought). I have tried ever angle of talking to him and nothing works he apologizes says he will change does for a day and then gets "tired". Please someone tell me you went through this and found a way not to resent your husband.


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## Advocado

There's no easy answer to this one I'm afraid and I can understand how the resentment has built up because I'll bet you get tired too, and it's its unsettling when your spouse finds time to help others but has no time to help you. (My husband will always make time to drive my mother anywhere she wants to go but for me, I have to get at taxi.)

I'm wondering if the two of you ever get to spend some quality time together. Is there a relative or someone who could look after the children for a couple of hours every now and then to give you and your husband the opportunity to go do something together that you can both enjoy and kind of reconnect? 

Just maybe if you are able to share leisure time together he might feel more inclined to share household duties with you, knowing there is the leisure time to look forward to further down the line.

I also wonder does he help out with the children at all when he gets home. If not, perhaps after he has had say just half an hour on the couch after getting home from work, he could bathe, read a story and put the children to bed. If you are doing this now then it would be one less thing for you to do and he would get to spend quality time with the kids too.


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## lonelynewlywed

Advocado said:


> There's no easy answer to this one I'm afraid and I can understand how the resentment has built up because I'll bet you get tired too, and it's its unsettling when your spouse finds time to help others but has no time to help you. (My husband will always make time to drive my mother anywhere she wants to go but for me, I have to get at taxi.)
> 
> I'm wondering if the two of you ever get to spend some quality time together. Is there a relative or someone who could look after the children for a couple of hours every now and then to give you and your husband the opportunity to go do something together that you can both enjoy and kind of reconnect?
> 
> Just maybe if you are able to share leisure time together he might feel more inclined to share household duties with you, knowing there is the leisure time to look forward to further down the line.
> 
> I also wonder does he help out with the children at all when he gets home. If not, perhaps after he has had say just half an hour on the couch after getting home from work, he could bathe, read a story and put the children to bed. If you are doing this now then it would be one less thing for you to do and he would get to spend quality time with the kids too.


Thanks, we actually do get to go out at least once a week, we are fortunate to have a large family willing to help watch our daughter. He doesn't help when he gets home and I have always told him I understand he needs a little unwind after work but it seems like its one show after another after another. We had a good argument yesterday and he apologized and helped quite a bit last night so we will see if it continues


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## 63Vino

Nip it in the bud. Even though its already a bit late for that.
As a man... i can say that sometimes we need a good kick in the a$$, to realize our unconciousness. 
You dont want to be the bitc* because if he doesnt see it, he'll just become less engaged.

You should however NOT gloss over the seriousness. You dont feel it now, but 6 mos/ 1 yr. You're going to be here struggling with if you should leave him and you would be fighting all the time.
The time to communicate this stuff in a non confrontational way is ASAP. Maybe have a nice evening where your daughter is away. Make a nice dinner, make it romantic even, then explain that you feel like a worker in the house, not a partner.
Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you because you're really struggling with everything.

You have a LOT on your "plate". Dont let time build up more resentment, because it will.
There is no key that you hold to resentment other than. 
1. Totally accepting the situation and just decide this is your life.
2. Work hard, NOT necessarily to make your husband do what you want, but get close enough to him, make him feel loved so that he does it as a byproduct. (he's just missing the boat right now)

Especially with a child that has had serious health issues, im a little suprised and how small time it "seems" he is putting in,.


good luck!


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## turnera

Write out a chart of everything that has to be done for the house. Put them all in the columns - you and him - of who gets it done.

Let him see the disparity. Then tell him you canNOT continue to stay married in this condition. It's not that you don't love him, but you are having serious issues remaining calm around him when he so obviously ignores you and the family and the house. 

Basically, let him know you will NOT remain married to a man who expects you to do 95% of the work keeping the family going. He needs a calm, loving, factual wakeup call.


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## lost2010

I think sometimes people just don't realize how much they are leaving to be desired in the helping out in the home department. Sometimes it takes some kind of wake up call for him to really see and experience what you do and go through on a daily basis.

Would it be possible for you to go somewhere (trip with the freinds, job related, whatever) for more than a day where he would have no choice but to take care of the things he normally wouldn't since you were already there to do them?


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