# Disclosure when meeting old sex partners with current spouse?



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Another thread got me thinking about this but I didn't want to hijack that thread.

Recently my wife and I attended a small dinner party that was also attended by a guy that had very raunchy sex with my wife before we met. We both have been pretty open about our sex lives but since I did not know this guy before, I had no reason to connect this guy with any of her escapades. I won't go into detail but let's just say that this one time encounter was pretty adventurous and it would be impossible for a guy not to be playing the mind movies of the act as he saw my 'prim and proper' wife after all this time at this very civilized dinner party. They never dated and there were not any feelings other than sexual.

It wasn't until later that I connected the dots and realized that this guy banged my wife in the past. It's not really a big deal and I won't even bring it up with her now but I was left feeling like somewhat of a fool not knowing ahead of time what they did. Others at this dinner party knew what they did also which makes me feel even more foolish. She knew ahead of time that he would be there so she had the opportunity to tell me prior to us sitting across the table from him. I'm really cool about her past and I actually already knew about this encounter, just not that I was face to face with a guy that did all of that stuff with/to my wife.

Shouldn't she have told me prior to meeting him? Again, I have no problems or hang ups about her past but isn't this just a matter of respect and courtesy? I'm very certain that there is nothing at all going on between them in the present so this is not a factor in the issue.


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

You need only be concerned with how she conducts herself presently. If she's true to you now that she's your wife, you are miles ahead of the relationship I had with my wife while we were pretending that she was married to me.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She should told you ahead of time, and even offered not to go,

While her past is part of her and she can't undo it, she should be on watch for when it may come up and his it affects you. Frankly, by letting you go there knowing he was there and keeping you in the dark was dead wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

couple said:


> Shouldn't she have told me prior to meeting him? Again, I have no problems or hang ups about her past but isn't this just a matter of respect and courtesy? I'm very certain that there is nothing at all going on between them in the present so this is not a factor in the issue.



Maybe I`m wrong but I don`t tell my wife every time we run into someone I`ve slept with that I slept with them.
I`m quite sure she doesn`t either and I don`t have a problem with that.

I don`t see why I should have to as I`m not sleeping with them now nor will I be sleeping with them in the foreseeable future.

She probably never even considered the need to do such a thing.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

tacoma said:


> Maybe I`m wrong but I don`t tell my wife every time we run into someone I`ve slept with that I slept with them.
> I`m quite sure she doesn`t either and I don`t have a problem with that.
> 
> I don`t see why I should have to as I`m not sleeping with them now nor will I be sleeping with them in the foreseeable future.
> ...


What if they ask you point blank? Do you tell them? I've had my H pretty much ask me about every guy in my life... I.e. I had my reunion, and he asked me if any of my HS relationships would be there, or if we're out and run into a guy I know and he's never met or heard about. I somewhat do the same to him. In the OP's case, I wouldnt have even suggested going if I were his W... or at the very least mentioned it and ask my H how he feels about going given the circumstances. That's just awkward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Thankfully, my past partners are a hundred miles away. I don't talk to them either. Except my daughter's father, but that's a given.

My husband's past lovers (all 3) don't exist in our circle either...well, his last ex did for a while. She had her hooks into his friends and it was drama for a time. But, i'm way cuter than her so whatever.

:rofl:

But yea, if we go somewhere and I know a past lover will be there, I would have to let my husband know.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I know it is impractical for those that have had a large number of sexual partners, however, this is one reason why I think it is a good idea for partners to know who the other has had sexual relationships with prior to marriage. The focus would be more on relationships and their nature but knowing who the ex lovers are can be very helpful. Since previous lovers are the biggest threat it makes situations more clear.



> Shouldn't she have told me prior to meeting him? Again, I have no problems or hang ups about her past but isn't this just a matter of respect and courtesy? I'm very certain that there is nothing at all going on between them in the present so this is not a factor in the issue.


To your specific question. At least, yes. Especially since others knew as well.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't ask scary questions, unless you are prepared for scary answers.

If you and your wife are in a great place then it doesn't much matter. Unless ... you aren't in a great place.

I'd say let it go. Or ... be calm but proactive. If you are certain that was the guy she got funky with, you could just make a request:
"Do me a favor, remember all of those 'wild' stories you told me about? Just let me know when I'm going to be interacting with one of those guys in the future ... like the other night when we were at so and so's."

Just leave it at that.

But ... if having this information is fueling fires in your mind, or feeding resentment, then you would do well to simply leave it alone, and take stock in the fact that you are the one she made a commitment to.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> What if they ask you point blank? Do you tell them?


Certainly I`ll tell her if she asks but she never does or would have any reason to.

I`ve lived in this town my entire life and was quite the player from my teens through my early thirties yet I rarely run into any old lovers and when I do it`s not something I think about.

It wouldn`t even occur to me to tell my wife after checking out out Publix..

"Hey honey I used to have sex with the store manager that checked us out"

If I did such a thing she`d be asking me why the hell she should care?
Knowing my wife I`m quite sure telling her would piss her off more than not.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

I see what your saying.... and unless me or my H asks the other specifically, we don't volunteer the info unless its like the OP's scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I see what your saying.... and unless me or my H asks the other specifically, we don't volunteer the info unless its like the OP's scenario.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Granted maybe I`m off base concerning the OP and she should have said something.

However before he makes a big deal of it he should consider that she never even realized it would be necessary.

Undoubtedly her fling with this guy means nothing to her and she isn`t aware it means something to her husband so he should communicate that need.

That said, there are certain women my wife knows I`ve been with and I`m sure she`d appreciate a heads up before we find ourselves in a previously scheduled social situation with them.

So, yes I can see where it`s appropriate in certain situations and perhaps the OP is one of them.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Good discussion so far and thank you for all the views and advice. I will not make a fuss about this as it's not really a huge problem. I am just disappointed that she didn't tell me. I can fully accept that she's had other lovers and adventures. It's part of her and I accept it fully. I honestly don't secretly wish she was with only me like some guys do. It is what it is (to be cliche).

The reason for the disappointment is partly because I feel like a fool when everyone knows and I don't. Silly pride thing, perhaps. But more importantly, I also think that sex is a pretty big deal and we have shared our pasts and are comfortable with it. Breaking down these barriers has made our relationship more intimate. That's why I'm disappointed that she didn't tell me about this guy being part of her past. She briefed me on other guests like she played a particular sport with this or that person, or that she travelled somewhere with this other person there, etc. It seems like a big thing to omit.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

couple said:


> The reason for the disappointment is partly because I feel like a fool when everyone knows and I don't. Silly pride thing, perhaps. But more importantly, I also think that sex is a pretty big deal and we have shared our pasts and are comfortable with it. Breaking down these barriers has made our relationship more intimate. That's why I'm disappointed that she didn't tell me about this guy being part of her past. She briefed me on other guests like she played a particular sport with this or that person, or that she travelled somewhere with this other person there, etc. It seems like a big thing to omit.



I think the bottom line is she made a selfish and easy choice to her: She knew he was there, she knew it might be a difficult conversation with you for her, so she chose to protect herself by avoiding doing it. 

and that is a big problem. put aside all the other talk and questions, the thing that is the problem here is that instead of choosing to step up and deal with potential emotional reactions from you, she decided on self protection and the easy way out.


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