# Coping with a Passive Agressive man



## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

I'm new to this forum. Not sure where to introduce myself and as my issue is dealing with a Passive Agressive Partner thought this might be the most appropriate spot.

As I said, I am currently in a relationship with a Passive Agressive Male. He drives me to distraction and there are some days where I love him to death and others were I want to bang his head against the same brick wall I seem to have my own head against most of the time.

Outwardly he is a sweetheart, walks around like the doting husband/partner and sometimes he can be that very person. Other times he can be rude, sulky, controlling, overbearing and chaotic.

You can't reason with him. Everything I say is a slight against him. He knows the things that push my buttons but seems to push them anyway, then feigns that he wasn't doing it deliberately and goes into victim mode accusing me of always picking on him.

He butts into everything I do and contradicts me numerous times, yet when I point it out he seems to twist it around to be about him and somehow he believes that he is the one who first raised the issue and magically I am the one who is at fault yet again!

I am a very calm, very easy going and very patient person. I was married for 12 years previously and during the first 11.5 years of that relationship my husband and I NEVER fought. We discussed thing and were both able to reason with each other.

This is foreign to me, but it is slowly becoming the norm.

It takes a lot to get me fired up and I tend to pride myself on being a very reasonable and objective person, but time and time again, I am finding we are banging heads and it ends with me in tears from sheer frustration.

My partner takes no prisoners during a disagreement, he bends the truth, omits facts, changes the subject, to suit his own argument and to be honest, he's as slippery as a well oiled snake. 

He has in the past accused me of storming out or throwing things around in a rage and as god is my witness this has not been the case. I ask him to leave me alone when I am angry and I calmly leave the room. I have never thrown anything in anger but I swear these blasey statements are deliberately designed to bait me into having the argument so that he can play the victim.

I'm ready to strangle him. Honestly, I don't know how much more of this ridiculous behavior I can take.

I'm ready to poke a dummy in his mouth or leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why ARE you taking it? It will only get worse.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

I'd recommend couples therapy - but if he's anything like mine used to be he's say something like "you're the only crazy one here." 
But its worth pursuing - even if to get him there you place the blame/need on you... "I need it to help me - will you come with me to help me?..." yada yada. That way he doesn't have to go feeling like the blame will go to him and might be given the opportunity to be your hero. 
Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you HAVE to stay with him - and I don't recommend it - you need to educate yourself on the destructive qualities such people have. They are master manipulators, and their life's goal is to win. It's all a game to them.

Start checking books out of the library on passive aggressiveness, control, and manipulation. You need to understand what you're dealing with.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

stillINshock said:


> I'd recommend couples therapy - but if he's anything like mine used to be he's say something like "you're the only crazy one here."
> But its worth pursuing - even if to get him there you place the blame/need on you... "I need it to help me - will you come with me to help me?..." yada yada. That way he doesn't have to go feeling like the blame will go to him and might be given the opportunity to be your hero.
> Good luck.


He is happy to go to couples therapy but I am worn out and just don't know if I have the energy to go through it at the moment. The first 5 sessions will not doubt be about how much of a victim he is and how he never feels like he is heard, how he can never do anything right.

The comment about not doing anything right stems from a number of foul habits he has that I pull him up on, after much arguing and forcing him to stick to the facts and not divert he realises what he is doing is wrong, but then 5 minutes later is back at it again.

There are so many examples but here goes one or two...

He empties the bin, but then walks off and leaves it without a bin liner and asks me to thank him - literally, forgetting I have just cooked his dinner, washed and folded his clothes, fed, bathed and run his kids all over the courtyside, yet I am supposed to thank him for taking the frigging bin out. I've talked to him about this numerous times but he still does it and I can only take it as baiting. So now I just dump the food scraps as is in the bin without the liner and when he complains remind him that I'm sick of reminding him to put the bin liner in.

I told the kids not to play on the computer until they had made sure their homework was done and they had their chores completed (tidying room and having their baths etc). He pipes in with, 'they're not playing, it's educational'. Ummm, it's an educational computer game, but it's still playing and doesn't absolve them of following their usual afternoon routine.

I tell someone the sky is black, he'll say no it's not. If I then turn around and agree with him, he'll say I was right the first time.

He acknowledges he has a problem and is reading self help books on it. At times, he genuinely seems to want to change, not just for me but to improve all his relationships. Other times he is stubborn, condescending, manipulative, sarcastic and cunning.

turnera I'm beginning to think it's not going to work out, and that you advice might be the only thing I can do for my own mental wellbeing in the long term. However I'm curious to know if anyone has successfully worked things out with a Passive Agressive Partner and if so what tips they would have before I throw it all away.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I know of one couple - one of my best friends - whose husband was a genius, literally, and it was just his nature to be 'better than' her. Fortunately, she just would have none of it. For every 'push' he gave, she gave one back. He actually liked that about her.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

turnera said:


> I know of one couple - one of my best friends - whose husband was a genius, literally, and it was just his nature to be 'better than' her. Fortunately, she just would have none of it. For every 'push' he gave, she gave one back. He actually liked that about her.


It's hard to explain, but my partner doesn't want to be better than me in everything. I think his ego just gets in the way. What he lacks up in height he seems to overcompensate in other areas. 

I'm a strong person also and I do give back or assert myself when it comes to the respect thing. I just don't feel I should have to fight for that all the time and I'm tired of the constant tug of war for something that should be a natural thing for human being.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

A good therapist will see right through him. Trust me. My H has a LOT of those qualities. 

In every example you gave there is a tone of resentment. And your response has a tone of withdraw. (Been there, so I can see it.) 

If he is willing to go, I think its worth it - if you think the marriage is worth fighting for. If you are done fighting - don't waste your time. Get out and find happiness. Read LOVE BUSTERs.


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## Bambusa (Feb 3, 2010)

stillINshock said:


> A good therapist will see right through him. Trust me. My H has a LOT of those qualities.
> 
> In every example you gave there is a tone of resentment. And your response has a tone of withdraw. (Been there, so I can see it.)
> 
> If he is willing to go, I think its worth it - if you think the marriage is worth fighting for. If you are done fighting - don't waste your time. Get out and find happiness. Read LOVE BUSTERs.


Thank-you for that site address. Very insightful.


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## cupcake (May 5, 2010)

my husband is just like this.

my husband knows things that can drive me crazy and pushes those buttons. 
eg: Like this morning , he was sneezing a lot and when i asked him what happened , he said "dust allergy" so i decided to wash the comforter. he said "its dry clean only". 

but dealing with this guy is tough .... if i say no i am going to wash and if the comforter spoils then he would certainly say that he knew it and i should have listened to him. if i say lets get it dry cleaned he would take his own sweet time... to play safe i said "ok what do you want to do ? you take a decision.." when i said this he looked irritated .... then slowly his passive aggressiveness took over.

after saying that i went ahead and started cleaning the bedroom , he sat there on the bed saying "just let me cloths be on the floor". so i asked if they had to be washed for which he replied "i have to throw all of them away". i kept quite and put them back on the floor. i went to the kitchen and started cooking 

same morning, he had taken leave from work, and he knows that at 9 i have my bath and exactly at that time he went to have bath. i knocked the door and told him i am going to take bath and in the mean time he could have his breakfast. so when i finished my bath and came near the kitchen i realized that this guy has left the break fast plates (which had to be washed ) on the table. now this is his new annoying habit . he has been leaving dirty dishes all over the house and i have to go pick them up. i had confronted this a week back in a nice manner but no use!

now all the while i was worrying but dint say a word, he showered, got ready and was leaving the house without telling where he was going. now i pissed off and i cried and yelled at him. 

he plays with my emotions because he knows i am emotional. sometimes i feel playing along with him his own game has on one side made me just like him "immature and selfish" and on the the other side i am hurt and depressed.... all in all draining my energy and spoiling my sanity. he is known as a very nice guy and when i married him people were telling me that i am lucky and so on.... but this is his real face behind the mask. i feel daily there is cold war and it is a battlefield. when i try to talk to my parents about this matter he puts the entire blame on me and makes himself look like a victim. so he is safe all the time. 
anything can set his mood off... you should be happy and makeing plans for your future instead you would be draining your energy thinking about past and the present and dealing with these kind of people.... they use a lot of stratergy to get what they want 
see below: 

he keeps dishes all around the house-----> i confront in a nice way / i may confront in an angry way-----> he realizes that keeping dirty dishes annoys me.

his strategy 1::scratchhead:
next time when he is angry/sad/hurt/irritated-----> he keeps dirty dishes all around the house-----> i get irritated because i have already told him once-----> i tell him again-----> he acts like he is been bullied/ i am control freak/ or sulks in a way that he is the victim and i am being bossy--------> when he plays victim , it gets on my nerves-----> i yell ------> he continues acting like a victim -------->i am angry and and say all that i don't mean-----> he will still continue acting like a victim-----> i finally give up and CRY-----> now he is happy but looks sad and he will just nod his head and walk away (instead of consoling) -----> SHE IS HURT mission success!!! :smthumbup:

his strategy 2: :scratchhead:
he is angry with me------> he keeps the dishes all around the house----> when i don't confront-----> he will do it more------> i am worried but i still don't confront--------> he will do with other things in house like pulling out the chairs out of its place or anything else that i can irk me (because he already knows) ---------> i am irritated but act like as i still don't care -----> he will try and come up with something new that could annoy me in future----------> i am mentally exhausted and feel depressed and look dull , lonely or cry --------> SHE IS HURT mission success! :smthumbup:

his strategy 3: :scratchhead:
when i confront---> if he is in a good mood he may bring the plates but keep it next to the sink and not in the sink. -----> this annoys me-----> i ask him "you could have put it in the sink -----> he says i have kept it there and again start looking like a victim and i am a control freak------> this makes me regret asking him ------> next time i don't bother to ask him but i am worried------> SHE IS HURT mission success!! :smthumbup:


so i am caught in a vicious cycle of sadness......and this doesnt help us get close in any levels ....i some how avoid having sex with him because i dont feel that closeness... just when i am like finally we are gettting along and then BOOM....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Quit trying to reason with him. You will lose.

Determine what YOU are willing to accept and accept only that. 

Everything else...ignore it. He's only doing things cos he knows he'll get a reaction. Don't give him one.

When my husband leaves his clothes around, and I can't stand the mess, I pick them up and dump them right at the side of the bed where he has to get in. If he doesn't like it, HE can put them away.

If he leaves his dishes out, I leave them there and only wash what I need, to make a point. Not great marriage advice, but with a PA person, you have to make your point.

At some point, you have to take a stand and say either get counseling, or I won't stay married to you any longer.


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## manny1 (Nov 9, 2010)

was reading about your PA partner and wonder if you are still with him if you aren't married to him don't even think about it. unless he sees himself for what he is counseling won't help and he will never change good luck


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## JennyO (Nov 10, 2010)

"So now I just dump the food scraps as is in the bin without the liner and when he complains remind him that I'm sick of reminding him to put the bin liner in."

You might be a little passive-agressive, too...no? Self-examination is critical for healing. 

Hang on-I have a passive agressive husband and things have gotten a lot better in this last year. 

*Only ask him questions with a yes or no answer
*Love him unconditionally
*DO NOT TAKE THE BAIT
*He lives for you to take the bait
*If he can focus on how miserable he thinks you are then he doesn't have to look at himself
*Learn to respond with just a few repetitive phrases: "Oh", or "I can see how you would think that", or "That could very well be"
*Think of correcting him like dog training: If he's good, give him high praise, if he's bad-let him know quickly that you dissaprove, then go about your day cheerfully-he's trying to get your goat!
*If he gets into a rant, ask him to lower his voice and you can talk about it. Let him know calmly that if he doesn't stop and lower his voice that you are going to leave. If you can be gone all day, have some fun, come back, give him a kiss and be happy-you just took care of yourself!


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