# Wife left tonight



## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I was completely blind sided tonight. My wife came home and after the kids went to bed told me that she no longer has any feelings for me, and wanted to separate. I asked if it was for a divorce or if there was a chance to work things out. She said that she didn't think that it was good for the kids to go through her leaving while trying to work things out. 

I have been blind sided before and I have always tried to talk her into at least trying to work things out. Tonight was very different. I have been doing everything I could to make her happy, but she just doesn't seem to be happy. I told her that I don't want a divorce, and if she is unwilling to try and work things out then she needed to leave. 

I am really at an impasse here. I am an abused child, and have always wanted to have a family. I do not have any family and have desired since I was a small child to start a family and break the cycle of my childhood. I am really uncertain if my personal goals of having a marriage, and doing anything I possibly can for her has lead me down the wrong path. I literally would do anything she wanted. I don't think this has done me many favors. I think that I have given too much, and she no longer respects me as a man. 

She has recently lost a lot of weight. She has always struggled with that and never really felt sexy. Well I have encouraged her to look around and to see how other men do find her attractive. I have let her have some sexual discussions with other men to help with our own sex life. Well as you could imagine this didn't go as well as I had hoped. She told me tonight that she has gotten more turned on from those conversations than she does with me. Well duh... I just saw them as a spring board for her to find her sexual identity. Well aparently I am a complete jackass. 

I am stuck at what to do now. I have tried soooo hard to make this marriage work. She has always done less than I have trying to make it work. I really think I have tried too hard, and it has worked against me. I really am not sure if I am willing to do anything to try and get her back home. I do love her with all my heart, but how much am I willing to try and help someone? She has so many issues, but she has never been willing to put in the hard work needed to come to a resolution, or closure to those issues.

I think I would be willing to try to work things out, but I am just not sure she is capable of doing the work needed to be in a marriage. I think it takes two to make things work. If one is always willing to do whatever is necessary, but the other is only willing to do something if nothing is expected, how much is really accomplished? 

Sorry for the rambling, but I am really stuck on this one. On one level I think I am done trying, but on the other, I just love her so much and can't imagine my life without her...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> She told me tonight that she has gotten more turned on from those conversations than she does with me. Well duh... I just saw them as a spring board for her to find her sexual identity. Well aparently I am a complete jackass.


The jury is still out on that. Given that you have been so compliant, standing firm and waiting might yield results. Do you have any kids together?


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

You have firmly planted your wife on a pedestal. Go read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" NOW!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

it doesnt mean your marriage is over .. you still have time to work things out , TALK to her


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> The jury is still out on that. Given that you have been so compliant, standing firm and waiting might yield results. Do you have any kids together?


Yes we do have two children. A 6 year old and a 2 year old. I honestly think that I have just given her too much. In the process I have lost a piece of myself.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> it doesnt mean your marriage is over .. you still have time to work things out , TALK to her



She is coming over now to see our son off to school. She said she is calling a counselor to go and talk. There have been some depression issues on her end, and she told me last night that she thought about talking to a therapist before she talked to me. 

She has dropped me several bombs over the years after holding things in. After a long night of thinking, I really don't think I could take another one. I am so tired of being jerked around because she doesn't know how to express herself emotionally.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> She has dropped me several bombs over the years after holding things in.


Such as?


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

She has always been a driven career woman, and has put that first for our whole relationship. She told me about a year ago that she no longer wanted to be the bread winner and wanted to be home with the kids. She said then that she wanted a divorce because she had built up so much resentment that I was the one responsible for the kids. She didn't tell me until she exploded. She has problems talking about her feelings. She will keep things inside until they become too much for her to handle and they blow up. 

I went back to work and have a job that supports the house without much help needed from her. She said that she wanted to build in a place for her to do hair from home. So I have been working in the garage to get that done for her, and now she says that she has been thinking for a few months that she doesn't want to work from home and it scares her to be completely reliant on me for money. 

I could go on with other examples if needed.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Be firm and see where that gets you.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Not a good Idea to bring other men into the picture. I hate to say it, but this has just come back to bite you in the azz.

You've allowed her to dictate what goes on in your marriage for too long.

No more Mr. Nice Guy. Here's an approach I might try. Not saying it's right in your instance, but if I were in your shoes, this might work.

Sit down with her to have a heart to heart. It will be hard, but do this in a very professional manner without emotion. She may try to interrupt, but do not let her. Advise her that you have something to say, please be patient and listen.
I'd tell her, honey I love you more than anything on this earth, and I've tried to be the perfect husband, though I'm not, and I never will be. We both have made many mistakes in our relationship, and I'm committed to fixing these, but I'm not sure you are. If you want to fix whats broke there's some things you can do to show me you where you stand. I need you to be completely honest with me. If your not I will find out and our marriage is over.
1. Are you seeing someone else? If you are, you need to stop and end all contact.
2. Are you still having "conversations" with other men regarding sexual things? If you are, you need to stop.
3. Are you willing to commit to counseling to address our concerns with each other? I'm committed to changing and fixing your concerns with me, do you share this same committment?

I know you have alot going on in your head right now, and above everything else you're feeling overwelmed and confused. I do not expect answers or a commitment from you right away, but I will not wait forever. Nor will I submit myself and our children to what I feel is behavior which I feel is destroying our marriage.
Think about what you want from me and our marriage, and when your ready let me know. If you want me I will be here, but I will not wait forever, I will move on.

None of this is open for negotiation, she commits to everything, or nothing.
Sounds like she's fence sitting. Don't let her sit too long. This will only hurt you in either healing your marriage, or healing yourself.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

seibert253 said:


> Not a good Idea to bring other men into the picture. I hate to say it, but this has just come back to bite you in the azz.
> 
> You've allowed her to dictate what goes on in your marriage for too long.
> 
> ...


First line is a no brainer. Yeah hind sight is 20/20. I went to a counselor today, and we have gotten myself grounded a bit with what I need to do. 

She said she is not seeing anyone else, and stopped herself before she did. She has told the men she was having sexual conversations with that she is having marital problems and wont be speaking.

She made a counseling appointment for herself for tomorrow. She says she is willing to try and work things out. I have my doubts right now about whether she will committ to it the same as I will. 

I have told her as well that I have deal breakers that I am not willing to bend on. The most important being that she goes to individual counseling, and we attend marriage counseling as well. 

Great post seibert. I read this after, but I pretty much followed this approach to the tee. Good advice sir!


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I just looked into No More Mr Nice Guy. I don't think that fits me at all. I am not passive agressive at all. I have never avoided a conflict, and have actually been told that I look for debates. I have put her on a petistal because I do love her. I think I have made the mistake of just giving her what she asks for because I want her to be happy. 

I really like giving her what she wants, but I really don't think that is going to happen from here forward. She will want one thing, then change her mind two weeks later. It's fricken maddening!


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Quick update: We have a counseling appointment tomorrow, and I am really curious to hear what my wife has to say and the counselors interpretation of the issues at hand.

I will say that my wife has a networking site for people who work out. It is what opened my wife up to feeling like she isn't happy with me. I encouraged her to post provocative pictures to help boost her self esteem. Well it certainly did, as she got a ton of men complimenting her. There is one man that I let her talk to sexually, and she has become very attached to this man. She told me that she was going to end contact with him, and tell him she couldn't talk anymore. Well I looked at the emails and saw that she said we were having problems and there was one where he asked if that meant they couldn't talk anymore. I checked later only to see that email was deleted and there were no more emails after that. Well I asked her and she informed the that she told him that she would talk to him sometime later. Most of their contact was through a personal email account. 

Well I saw that he contacted her on her workout page. After talking about that she told me that she didn't appreciate me checking there. She changed the password yesterday. I can only assume that she is now talking to him as much as she desires. I know this is not acceptable, but I feel like I need to give her time to find out that the grass will not be greener. I think that she is addicted to the attention that she receives from that site and can't stop.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> I know this is not acceptable, but I feel like I need to give her time to find out that the grass will not be greener. I think that she is addicted to the attention that she receives from that site and can't stop.


I oscillate between wanting to give people as much freedom as they desire... and feeling they need saving from themselves. I think you did what you thought was right. It appears to be backfiring, but it might not be for two reasons:


She may yet decide the grass is not greener.
If she will be happier with someone else, perhaps it's best that she runs off now.

I know item 2 is hard to swallow, but it's how I would deal with it if I were in your situation.

One thing to bear in mind with women and sexuality is that a lot of them feel deep down that sexuality must be repressed and controlled for this very reason: When it is given full reign, They find it so powerful, they don't know what they will do. So to a husband who is trying to get his wife to open up, they suffer a repressed women if you don't give them their freedom, and a run-around if they do! And then when they have calmed down, and returned to the marital home, they have the cheek to say "I told you so".

And this plays into my theory that women are actually much more sexual than men, but they spend a lot of time and energy on repressing it out of fear that it will run amok. And to some extent they are right. But a woman who can unleash that power and control it, is a wife to die for. Perhaps sometimes to get past the fire you have to walk through it* 



*don't try this at home.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I oscillate between wanting to give people as much freedom as they desire... and feeling they need saving from themselves. I think you did what you thought was right. It appears to be backfiring, but it might not be for two reasons:
> 
> 
> She may yet decide the grass is not greener.
> ...


I do agree that it would be best if she ran off now if she thinks she will be happier with someone else. As much as it would hurt, I do really want her to be happy and healthy. She is the mother of my children and I will always want the best for her. 

This situation has back fired in a sense, but it has done some good as well. She has repressed her sexuality for a long time, and that needed to come out. I think it will take some soul searching on her end to figure out what it is exactly that she wants. I have been asking for years for her to figure out what she wants so I can have something to work with. In the process I have pushed what I want because I had nothing else to work with. 

My greatest hope is that she is able unleash her power and control it. I would walk through fire for her if I knew that she was going to be on the other side ready to share what she has found out about herself. I really am not sure that she is willing and able to find those things out about herself. I think she is too scared to do that. She has told me that she didn't want to think about certain scenarios because she thought that she would enjoy it too much. Anyone who wont allow themselves to even think about a situation because of fear will have a difficult time going forward IMHO.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> She has told me that she didn't want to think about certain scenarios because she thought that she would enjoy it too much. Anyone who wont allow themselves to even think about a situation because of fear will have a difficult time going forward IMHO.


This is exactly what I was referring to. Repression of sexuality in women has many causes, but this is one of the most unexpected...


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Part of why I love her is that she is a very unique woman! 

I am very curious to see what the counselor thinks about this. I have thought for quite some time that she needed to see a sex therapist. Anyone who can repress their sexuality for that long of a time should have help to come back out. I was foolish to think that I could help guide her.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> I was foolish to think that I could help guide her.


Not really. It's not really anything to do with sex. It's to do with fear of losing control.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Losing control of what? I am not sure I understand where you are going there.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> Losing control of what? I am not sure I understand where you are going there.


Fear of losing control of herself. Fear that she will be sucked into a frenzied state of orgasmic wish fulfilment that she can't stop once she gets started.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Well that could be a troubling state.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Dancing Nancie said:


> I am an abused child, and have always wanted to have a family. I do not have any family and have desired since I was a small child to start a family and break the cycle of my childhood. I am really uncertain if my personal goals of having a marriage, and doing anything I possibly can for her has lead me down the wrong path. I literally would do anything she wanted. I don't think this has done me many favors. I think that I have given too much, and she no longer respects me as a man.


My sister is just like this, too. all she ever wanted was a family and a white picked fence. so, ironically, she picks someone that she can never get that from. She would have done anything for this guy. he abuses her so much but she takes it because she's determined that he's the one that's going to be her family. She has, in affect, created the very dysfunction she was running from. This alternative motive will definitely cause problems in a marriage. it will create the exact instability that fosters abuse. I think, subconsciously, you picked a women with low self esteem b/c you thought you could keep her. 

I think you should work on yourself. Once you find peace in yourself, and you are healthy, you will attract someone more stable; someone who can give you the family you want.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Blanca said:


> My sister is just like this, too. all she ever wanted was a family and a white picked fence. so, ironically, she picks someone that she can never get that from. She would have done anything for this guy. he abuses her so much but she takes it because she's determined that he's the one that's going to be her family. She has, in affect, created the very dysfunction she was running from. This alternative motive will definitely cause problems in a marriage. it will create the exact instability that fosters abuse. I think, subconsciously, you picked a women with low self esteem b/c you thought you could keep her.
> 
> I think you should work on yourself. Once you find peace in yourself, and you are healthy, you will attract someone more stable; someone who can give you the family you want.


I am just not seeing the parallels here. I didn't choose her because she had low self esteem. When we were dating her self confidence was high, and she was much different then. She is finding that she had some post-pardum depression that went untreated. She is a confident woman when she is feeling normal and like herself. 

I have put a lot of work into myself and am very much at peacew with myself with or without my wife. I would just prefer to have her as my wife.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Update:

We had our counseling appointment last night and it was certainly interesting. The counselor did something that hasn't been done yet. My wife was asked by the counselor if the relationship she has online has gone in a sexual direction since she changed her password and she said no it hadn't. My wife said that she couldn't work on the marriage anymore. The counselor started to talk about mediation and separating. She asked if we would be able to talk some after the appointment and I asked my wife directly if we could talk last night and she said yes.

Well when we got home and the kids off in to bed to watch a movie so we could talk she started to cry and said that she wasn't ready to make a decision yet. I explained to her that the counselor was trying to push the reality of the situation, and that she didn't have ot make a decision right now but there are a few things that I needed to say.

I explained to her that I knew what she was doing online and that she lied in counseling about the conversations being non sexual. I told her that I knew more than she thought I did and she has misled me on some very important details. She went on to explain that she was ashamed of herself for what she was doing. This is a shame I know well unfortunately and understand. I will not be lied to though, and there will need to be some work to rebuild that.

There was a ton of other things that came out on her end. She admitted a fear of intimacy and committment which is pretty tough to have a marriage. In my eyes marriage is a committment to intimacy. Her fearing to give both is very very hard on me!


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## MrsVain (Feb 1, 2009)

why in the world would you allow provocative pictures and sex talk with another men? You might as well had put in an ad in the paper "Have Sex with my Wife" or "Please take my wife away from me". I have no idea how you ever thought this was a good idea.

that being said, i think both of you are going in the right direction with the counseling. Maybe now you can let it go, stop feeling like the victim, and start making the marriage work. I am not saying that she is right and you are wrong, it takes too, but it does sound to me that you are still trying to find out what went wrong, and feeling sorry for yourself over past issues, and i think if you really want your marriage to work, after all this time and investment, not to mention the children, You need to let the past go, wipe the slate clean, and let the counselors figure out why and how she is the way she is, and work on bettering yourself to better the marriage.

good luck


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