# I want out, but I don't want to hurt her or the kids



## dabo1983

Well I never thought I'd reach this point in my life, I've always said it would never happen to me... but alas, it has. After 8 years of marriage, I am no longer "in love" with my wife. I do care about her, but we are not "in love". Let me expand on the subject...

We met at a very early age, in our young teens at a summer camp. We talked on and off for a few years and "dated" even though we lived apart and neither of us had our driver's license. We continued to talk for a few years and I went to college out of state as I was 1 year ahead of her. I went from living 1 hour from her to 9 hours from her. My first semester we emailed and chatted a little, but nothing serious. Then right around Christmas time we started talking a lot, and then the once a week phone conversations turned into nightly "burn your phone up 5 hour conversations".

Our relationship started to develop during my second semester and by the end of that year I decided to move back home and go to a local community college so we could be together. 

We lived together for about a year and got married that following fall. Everything was great, we had entry level jobs, no money, and a George Foreman grill. I couldn't be happier. About 2 years later we moved on to better jobs, had a little money, and a full size grill . At the same time, my wife became pregnant with our first child who is now 6. She is growing up fast and I wouldn't trade her for the world. Actually, we have a t-ball tournament game tonight (I coach her team), and I'm looking forward to it! Over the next few years we bought a house, new vehicles, you know, livin like the Jones'! We weren't hurting for money and life seemed great. But somehow we started to drift away...

2 years ago, my wife gave birth to our son and once again, he means the world to me. He is all boy and wild as ever.

Now back to the problem... Our relationship has really drifted apart since the kids, jobs, etc. We have our good days and bad days followed up by a semi-annual blow up where we let everything that has been bothering us out. We've tried to be open with each other, but my wife is hard to confront. She gets mad and gives me the silent treatment followed by eye rolling and a smart a** "whatever" comment. Believe me, this happens often.

Here's a recent example of one of our blow ups... My birthday is coming up in a couple months and my wife asked me if I wanted a gift OR a day trip with her for my birthday. (Sidenote: my wife is an extremist when it comes to spending time together, which I love to spend time with her, but it's good to get away ever now and then) Back to the story... I said a day trip sounded fun. Later we talked and she asked me if I had previously thought of any ideas for my birthday. I told her I had been thinking it would be nice to have a bunch of "our" friends over including neighbors and have a cookout with corn-hole, cards, a keg, and get a sitter for the kids. Usually birthdays consist of going out to eat with the family and keeping it low-key, but her birthday was a couple months ago and we went out with a bunch of "our" friends and had a really good time. I thought it would be nice to do the same for mine.

After sharing that with her, she went on to inform me that she wanted to take me to a Major League Baseball game and she couldn't believe that I wanted to hang out with friends instead of her. I told her that I really wanted to go with her to the game and it would be a lot of fun. In fact, I got online and was looking into ordering a hat for the game. It wasn't over there.... She proceeded to tell me to forget the game, because obviously I want to hang out with friends instead of her. So I lose either way. I did explain to her that that was my suggestion because she "asked" if I had thought about my birthday yet, she didn't get me a card with tickets in it, and then I said, "well, I really wanted to have people over instead, but thanks anyways". Well that escalated into a full blown argument which included bringing things up from the past and before we knew it, 2 hours had passed. I slept on the couch, she slept on the bed.

My wife can never come out and tell me what she really wants to do. She wants to beat around the bush and have me magically give her the right answer. If I'm wrong, then it's "Well if that's how you really feel, then........." Unfortunately, it has been a lose-lose situation for me the last few years.

Now I know I'm not perfect by any means... I sometimes leave dirty clothes out, let the trash can get full before taking it out, etc... But I've stuck through the fights because I love her and I don't want to hurt my kids. I'm a big hunter and I've dreamed of taking my little boy hunting in Canada when he is older and bringing home a picture album and video to share with my wife and daughter. I've dreamed of sitting by my wife in the bleachers as we watch our daughter play college softball. The list could go on and on... and that is what scares me.

My parents are in a very bad relationship. My mom has serious depression and she takes it out on my father. I've been in the house and seen laptops broken, scissors thrown, police called, my dad getting locked out of the house by my mom, etc... The last thing I want is to end up with a relationship like theirs. They have been married for 40+ yrs and my dad tells me to this day, if he didn't care so much for his kids, he would have left her a long time ago. I know my dad is still miserable. My mom works part time and would be lost and lonely without my dad. I guess that's where I get that feeling I'm having towards my wife. My wife's family lives an hour from us, she really has just a couple friends, and I don't want to see her lonely.

With that said... We have tried to patch things up including talking, going out by ourselves, going on weekend getaways, and doing little things for each other. The problem is, they don't last. We are right back at square one after a few weeks. I feel like I'm in the same cycle my parents are in and it will only get worse.

I am a loving person, but I don't feel a desire anymore to show love to my wife... It really hit me this past New Year's Eve when my wife and I went to a New Year's Eve party. Everyone was having a great time, my wife included. Drinks were flowing freely and everyone was dancing. I was dancing with my wife when I noticed another woman giving me that "look". I brushed it off but it continued all night. After midnight everyone decided to go back to a neighbors house and lo and behold the woman was there. My wife was mingling with everyone and I had slipped outside to smoke. I looked up, and there was this lady. Now before you get your mind in the gutter, we didn't have sex. We just sat and talked and for the first time in a long time I felt an emotional and physical urge. We kept it low key and went back inside where everyone was passing out for the night. We went our separate ways and I've only spoken with her a few times since.

This thought of divorce is not over a specific woman, she is actually seeing someone right now and they are very happy. Rather it's more about me wanting to experience love again and actually be "in love". I want to fall in love with someone for the right reasons and not because I felt obligated or just settled.

The real reason I'm on here is for advice, suggestions, past experience stories of divorce/working it out, and how you and your children handled it.

I've not totally made up my mind; the kids and the fact we have 8 years of memories along with plans for the future is the main reason I haven't pulled the plug yet. I don't want to cause emotional harm to my kids, they did nothing to deserve this. My children are 2yo and 6yo and I am 28 and my wife is 27. We are young, and have our whole lives in front of us.

Finally, we are not a couple who fights everyday and then hides it from our friends. We get along for the "most" part, we have just drifted apart...major. My wife and I discussed this for 3 hours last night and divorce was brought up. She said she loves me and doesn't want that to happen, I told her I know she loves me, but she's not "in love" with me just like I'm not "in love" with her... she agreed. Then she wanted to know how we could fix it (just like we've both mentioned 100 times). Our relationship is like how a coach loves his assistant coach and players. We work together to provide for the kids, but other than that, there is no romance.

Please help...


----------



## Jess6

Dabo1983,

I feel your pain. I too am young and in a relationship that has seemed to lose its spark. I have not thrown in the towel for sure, yet...but most definitely am considering it. I too have had a "connection" with another man, who has made me see how unhappy I have been. Settling, is the last thing I want to do. I know many people would ask, if it wasn't for this other man, would I feel this way? I think I have recently felt this way, but he has made it more clear to me. I am sorry that this is what you have to deal with, especially having to consider your children. I only have one, and I am at a stand still on what to do next...


----------



## anx

Get in mc now. You guys have a good core to the marriage, but your communication is crappy. She shuts down and stonewalls. You both have really bad communication styles. Eye rolling and whatever is extremely dangerous. You end arguments with nothing fixed, but built up contempt and resentment.

I might suggest getting the book why marriages succeed or fail ASAP and taking the quizzes inside. Start there, tonight. they take about twenty minutes

Best of luck and God bless.


----------



## KathyGriffinFan

Is it just me, or do most of these stories including OM/OW in the background, and always ends with "I'm not leaving my spouse for this other person." LOL, maybe just the ones that I'm reading.

The fact that you get the lil' bubbly feelings for someone else, is just a pit stop to ending up where you already are. Happens to everyone, even the best marriages. You're experiencing a lull. Work at it. Go to MC. Put your cards on the table, air it all out and chip away at it lil' by lil'. 

Everyone I know does the same thing, they fight, the resolve it and promise to change their ways, then we end up right where we started. I think the key is to improve just a lil', every time. 

So ya gotta lil' twinge for another person. It happens sometimes, doesn't mean you're gonna marry that person. Use it as a wake up call and work on your marriage. Sounds you got a good life...two healthy children, a home, multiple vehicles, and the only thing getting you down is a marriage with some hiccups? Join the club, lol. In seriousness, try and work on it.


----------



## BigToe

anx said:


> Get in mc now. You guys have a good core to the marriage, but your communication is crappy.


:iagree:


----------



## B lookingforadvice

Wow. I'm new here with issues in my own marriage but this post is exactly how I feel about my marriage! (less the other woman thing) but I do as look! I'm wondering if this is a fairly typical situation for married couples and we need to find ways to work throught it?


----------



## Jellybeans

KathyGriffinFan said:


> Is it just me, or do most of these stories including OM/OW in the background, and always ends with "I'm not leaving my spouse for this other person." LOL, maybe just the ones that I'm reading.


No, it's not just you. Almost every time I read a thread that starts "I awnt to leave my wife/husband," I immediately scroll down to look for the part about the Other Woman or Other Man. Because inevitably, in nearly all of those threads, it's there. 

They don't call it a "Script" for nothing! 

OP--either work on your marriage ot get a divorce. No contact with the OW. At all. You can't make a major decision while your mind is being clouded by the "FOG." 

Oh and as for not wanting to hurt your wife and kids if you leave -- not possible. When someone leaves their marriage and especially if the other party is unsuspecting or doesn't want a divorce, it destroys the person(s) left behind.


----------



## that_girl

When I got married, I expected ebbs and flows...god knows I'm in a big ebb at the moment. However, my grandparents were married for 63 years and my gramma told me that there were times she didn't really know why she married my grandpa. But...for better or worse...and eventually they would fall in love again.

I think what I'm noticing about myself (my husband moved out a month ago) is that I relied too much on him for my own happiness. This is crap. I also know that my husband, like many men, thinks "being in love" is all that lust/honeymoon stuff at the beginning of a relationship-- when in fact, that's just the tip of the iceberg. 

I think people, myself included, these days want instant gratification. You aren't getting it in your marriage so you look for it elsewhere. Why not try to impress your wife? Flirt with your wife? Yes, there is a void, but it can be repaired.


----------



## that_girl

Jess6 said:


> Dabo1983,
> 
> I feel your pain. I too am young and in a relationship that has seemed to lose its spark. I have not thrown in the towel for sure, yet...but most definitely am considering it. I too have had a "connection" with another man, who has made me see how unhappy I have been. Settling, is the last thing I want to do. I know many people would ask, if it wasn't for this other man, would I feel this way? I think I have recently felt this way, but he has made it more clear to me. I am sorry that this is what you have to deal with, especially having to consider your children. I only have one, and I am at a stand still on what to do next...


Give it a few months and you'll see the other man's faults/quirks/annoyances... promise.


----------

