# Need some advice/ tough love



## Bulldawg2010 (May 12, 2018)

Okay so long story short, my ex wife divorced me to be with another man. I’m 26, she is 24, the other man is 37. I got hit with the whole I love you but I’m not in love with you speech, I was pretty much forced to get out of my apartment and move back in with my parents. I’m struggling to deal with my divorce, it was finalized about a week ago. 

I just miss my wife so much, and I’m completely mind blown on what she has done. I keep asking myself questions like how did this happen? Why did she destroy our future. Two weeks before all of this happened, we were looking at buying a house together and talking about having children.

I’ve been in no contact, I haven’t talked to her in what feels like forever, but has only been about a month. Is it wrong to want her to wake up from this fairytale she’s in?

It just sucks to think that she might never speak to me again for the rest of my life. I guess if that happens it proves she never really loved me. 

I’ve been going to IC, and it helps for a time. I talk to my friends, I even started working out. But I just can’t stop my mind from wandering at night. I just can’t help to care about how she is doing, if she’s happy, if she regrets anything that she’s done.

Her own mother has reached out to me to tell me how sorry she is, and how disgusted she is with her daughters behavior. But she hasn’t. But she hasn’t reached out. Is it wrong to want my ex wife to reach out and apologize for everything she’s done?

I just need some advice, I feel like I’m being one giant ***** about the whole situation, but it’s tough. When we got married 10 months ago I never thought this would happen. Hell when we started dating 6 years ago I never thought this would happen.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Bulldawg2010 said:


> Is it wrong to want her to wake up from this fairytale she’s in?


No, it isn't wrong for you to want it. And, "fairytale" is an excellent description. In fairytales, they "live happily ever after".... the story ends before they "wake up"



Bulldawg2010 said:


> I guess if that happens it proves she never really loved me.


No, sir. I'm sorry to inform you, that there is no future event or behavior which will "prove" anything. The fact that she never loved you has already been proven beyond any reasonable doubt. It won't be proven again.

This young woman who called herself your wife, was no more your wife than she was the phucking Wizard of Oz.... the person she was "in love with", and the one she is still "in love with" is HERSELF. She got herself a doting daddy who will do nothing but agree about how wonderful and precocious she is, having sufficient maturity to "snag" a 37-year-old guy..



Bulldawg2010 said:


> I just can’t help to care about how she is doing, if she’s happy, if she regrets anything that she’s done.


Well, you can, at least, die happy..... because, I assure you, at this point in time, she's quite "happy", and doesn't regret not even the slightest of the reprehensible, selfish things she has done. She got a daddy, he got a cheerleader. They both not only got what they wanted, they got what they both so richly deserve.



Bulldawg2010 said:


> Is it wrong to want my ex wife to reach out and apologize for everything she’s done?


No, it's not wrong....as long as you recognize that she will be selling snow cones in hell before that happens. The kind of contrition required for people to do that takes YEARS, even DECADES, to develop inside them. And, then, it only happens when they have "hit bottom".

Sugar daddy's sugar bowl isn't empty yet.
But, it will be.....someday.....

However, I'm guessing, that by the time that happens, and her letter shirt and pom-poms no longer fit over her spreading adipose deposits, you will have actually cone to your senses, and probably will recognize that she has done you a wonderful favor, allowing you to find a REAL wife who will love you and care about you.

That's my advice....and as far as "tough" love....fuhgedaboudit....
that ship has sailed.....


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Bulldawg2010 said:


> Okay so long story short, my ex wife divorced me to be with another man. I’m 26, she is 24, the other man is 37. I got hit with the whole I love you but I’m not in love with you speech, I was pretty much forced to get out of my apartment and move back in with my parents. I’m struggling to deal with my divorce, it was finalized about a week ago.
> 
> I just miss my wife so much, and I’m completely mind blown on what she has done. I keep asking myself questions like how did this happen? Why did she destroy our future. Two weeks before all of this happened, we were looking at buying a house together and talking about having children.
> 
> ...


She is never going to apologize even if in the future she does live to regret her decision. Most everyone wants to get an apology but very very few ever get one. 

You will consider yourself lucky in the not to distant future that this happened now and not after kids, buying house and your very young yet. 

Right now your missing the illusion you thought was your wife, start getting your brain to override your heart and see her for who she truly is and that's someone you never want to be with. Take some time to lick your wounds and plan a future that will include someone better. You know what to avoid now.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Your reaction is normal.

The best thing you can do is be involved in activities with other people. It sounds like you're doing the right things otherwise such as counseling and staying healthy. Definitely avoid the unhealthy lifestyle stuff like excessive alcohol, tobacco, junk food, etc. Vigorous exercise will help keep the happy brain chemicals flowing.

Generally I would advise avoiding dating very soon. But it is fine to socialize and chat with women. This will help you see that there are other women out there you are interested in. Before long you're going to run into a woman that excites you. Even if you don't date or if you do but it doesn't work out with her, it will be a big step towards moving forward. So do stay socially involved.

Sorry this happened to you. But it is far better than 30+ years down the road which happens to many other people. It won't be long until you're feeling better and having fun again.


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## Bulldawg2010 (May 12, 2018)

Thanks guys. It’s just hard right now at this point. I feel like I wasted 6 years of my life on someone that I don’t even know anymore.

Maybe she was always like this and I just was blind to it. Would you even believe that before I found out about the other man, she wanted to be friends, like I was suppose to be okay with her wanting a divorce and then wanting to be friends with her?

It’s just mind blowing how I feel like I’ve been dating someone that is stuck with a high schooler mentality.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I am so sorry you find yourself in this position....but curious did you let her keep everything in the apartment? please tell me that you did not take the high road on this


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your heart wants what it wants but don't let that overrule your brain.

You still have her on a pedestal. Most BS's stay in denial of who they are and what they're capable of.

You keep wanting them to "get it" but it's you who's not getting it. She's taken her path because that's what she wants. You don't count.

Many will make all kinds of looney excuses but she's showing you who she is. Believe it.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This is normal.. You have loved her for so many years so it's natural to continue to want to know what she is doing or thinking. In time, it will lessen. Continue working on YOU!! You are absolutely worth it. Therapy, talking with family and friends, get into your hobbies, work-out and eat super healthy. Do all this for yourself and soon she'll be a distant memory. 

If she comes crawling back, DO NOT even consider--just keep moving forward. You are lucky that you didn't buy that house or even have kids together..


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## Bulldawg2010 (May 12, 2018)

No, I did not allow her to keep everything in the apartment, I took everything that I bought, so basically all the furniture, washer and dryer. I was actually a huge ******* about it. The last text message I got from her was that I was an ******* bc she needed the washer and dryer. Ha yeah right, I’m the *******. 
I do realize how lucky I am that all of this happened before we bought a house and kids, I guess I’m just struggling to accept that this is who my ex wife really is.

I’ve got so many memories that prove she’s a decent human being. But leaving me for another man, I just can’t explain that one. It’s like she really is two completely different people.

I honestly go to bed every night and pray that she never reaches out to me, bc I’m scared that I will not be strong enough to tell her to piss off.

Idk, this woman I viewed as my world, I gave everything I had to try to make our marriage work, while she did everything she could to destroy it.

I got the whole I love you but I’m not in love with you speech, then 10 days later she filed for divorce. I had TEN frickin days to process everything. Then about a week or two later, she admitted to me that she developed feelings for our 37 year old neighbor and that they started getting physical with one another after she filed for divorce.

On top of all of that, my friends have seen her out at bars, which is something she never did with me bc we both hate going to bars, and she tells them things like “ I didn’t leave him for another man, we just happened to get together right after I filed for divorce, my marriage was emotionally abusive and that’s why I left” just complete lies on top of lies. 

God just typing that makes my damn blood boil. We hardly ever fought, and when we did, it could get bad bc both of us would say **** we didn’t mean to each other. 

Idk I feel betrayed. I feel like the one person I put all my trust into broke it into a million pieces. 

I don’t want to go out and meet anyone, I just want to hangout with my friends and go home alone, which is what I’ve been doing.

But I still miss the life I had, I still miss the person I thought my wife was. I know everything she’s saying to our friends or anyone that will hear her side of the story is nothing but bs justifications out of the cheaters handbook. But damn it hurts like hell.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, it hurts. The only thing that helps is time. Sometimes lots of time. 

The truth is we never know someone as well as we think. I didn't and I was married almost 50 years. As to trust -- it's better going forward not to blindly trust the way you did before the person you loved most in life broke your heart. 

You'll get through this. It won't be easy but you will.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

We all assume she is in a fairy land. That she will one day wake up and realize her error.

It may 'not' be a life error. 
It certainly is a moral error.
.....On her part.....

She may very well be happy with this older man.
For us to 'assume' she will not, is wishful thinking.

Or course, the right thing for her to have done would have been to divorce first, then hook up with this guy.

But, in order for her to find him, to like him, then to develop feelings for him goes against that action.

Luckily for you, you are very young. 
You can easily find another women. 
A young women with little or no baggage.

Some will say she did you a favor by bailing early, but that is hard to swallow.

The favor has a bad flavor. 
It is a bitter brew. 
That, this bad thing she has done to you.
Done to you not as a favor.

Done to you as a betrayal, a last kiss.
A Judas kiss.

Look at it this way...
She was still growing.. 
Learning what she wanted.
She was, found this new off-growth.

She grew away from you..
Learned what she wanted.
It was not you that she wanted.

She found you wanting.

Find a new women, one wanting you.
One already learned, graduated to whole.
A complete gal. Replete with love and loyalty.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bulldawg2010 said:


> No, I did not allow her to keep everything in the apartment, I took everything that I bought, so basically all the furniture, washer and dryer. I was actually a huge ******* about it. The last text message I got from her was that I was an ******* bc she needed the washer and dryer. Ha yeah right, I’m the *******.
> I do realize how lucky I am that all of this happened before we bought a house and kids, I guess I’m just struggling to accept that this is who my ex wife really is.
> 
> I’ve got so many memories that prove she’s a decent human being. But leaving me for another man, I just can’t explain that one. It’s like she really is two completely different people.
> ...


You are grieving the loss of your marriage but don't wait around hoping she'll become who you thought she was.

What you will see when you wake up is she's not an irreplaceable snowflake and your world and life won't end over this


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Is there a way for you to do your job in another state...perhaps leaving the area would be good for you to start a fresh life.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Normally, I dislike pop psychology, but on Facebook today, someone posted a bastardization of Buddhist thought that may help you. It claimed that "we only fall in love 3 times"....a more accurate statement is that we fall in love for 3 reasons...and in sequence. 

First Love - Mad, romantic love, you totally give yourself to the other person, can't imagine being without. Usually ends when one of the people gets to realizing he/she lost themselves and they find someone else who respects who they were before they met the other person.

Second Love - It's about growing and learning and testing boundaries. Not just mad love, but you feel genuinely honored and respected. Your love grows, rather than being born on fire. This one ends because you end up NEEDING that feeling of respect and living for the approval of the other person. This one, if done properly, can end, and the same two people move onto the next stage.

Third Love - This is when both people go into it with a full expectation that it's going to take work, but the end result is that the relationship itself is a child to be birthed, nurtured, and carefully trained...then, as a couple in a relationship, you engage with the world as a unit entity, not as two people. The love in this relationship is the core glue holding it together and is unbreakable...neither individual continues to exist as you voluntarily surrender, not to the other person, but to the new life form, which is the relationship.


According to the posted article, it's possible for a first love to end up growing into the third love, but it is rare. More commonly, it will be a second love that grows into a third, and those second loves tend to begin between age 35 and 50.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Bulldawg2010 said:


> I do realize how lucky I am that all of this happened before we bought a house and kids, I guess I’m just struggling to accept that this is who my ex wife really is.


You have zero control over someone else's actions and choices. You do not need to "accept" who she is, you only need to accept who YOU are and realize that the two of you have no business being with each other. Do not judge, do not blame either of you.



Bulldawg2010 said:


> I’ve got so many memories that prove she’s a decent human being. But leaving me for another man, I just can’t explain that one. It’s like she really is two completely different people./quote'
> 
> Who or what she is absolutely does not matter. You are not together any more, therefore you are the only concern. Who are you? What do you want? Describe the next person you want to be with? What activities is she doing right now? Can you join those activities and find her?
> 
> ...


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

Bulldawg2010 said:


> Okay so long story short, my ex wife divorced me to be with another man. I’m 26, she is 24, the other man is 37. I got hit with the whole I love you but I’m not in love with you speech, I was pretty much forced to get out of my apartment and move back in with my parents. I’m struggling to deal with my divorce, it was finalized about a week ago.
> 
> I just miss my wife so much, and I’m completely mind blown on what she has done. I keep asking myself questions like how did this happen? Why did she destroy our future. Two weeks before all of this happened, we were looking at buying a house together and talking about having children.
> 
> ...




I’ve been going through something similar. What I can tell you is DONT LOSE YOUR SELF. 

Do things that make you happy to keep your mind off of her. Go out, meet new people. Maybe get another job. Do anything that will occupy your mind. 

I my self stopped eating. And became anemic. So take care of your self while going through this process. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Bulldawg2010 (May 12, 2018)

Thanks guys for all the replies. I’m going to try harder than ever to work on myself. Working out and going to work have really helped me out since all this has happened.

It’s just been hard for me to accept that my marriage is over, one day I will full accept it, I know I will be okay. 

But still, thanks for all the responses.


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