# Losing my mind...



## broken_butterfly (Apr 23, 2013)

So let me start somewhere close to the beginning of where this all began for me.

I have been married to my husband for just over 2 years now, I was 20 when we got married & we had been together for 3-4 years before we got married.

He was always a bit of a flirt, which is how he managed to get me to go out with him & move out of home with him at 16. (And before anyone gets ahead of themselves - I chose to move out of home, he wasn't using or manipulating me, I knew what I was doing & I wanted to get out of my parents house because I couldn't live with them any longer! If anything, I used him so I could move out of home!)

Anyway, after we got married (approximately 8 months after) my husband had an affair with someone in our area. (We live in a small country community)

I didn't know the OW at the time, however before I found out my husband tried to get me, her & her husband to all be friends. Which (at the time) was fine because I actually thought they/she were really nice people.

Apparently they'd had this affair before I was introduced to her & they had realised it was a stupid thing to do (there was alcohol involved) & they apparently went to have a "chat" to agree that it shouldn't have happened the first time & it won't happen again.. but that just turned into another session (again, more alcohol).

Skipping over a few of the details (because I'm still bitter about it & currently working myself up even thinking about it), I found out (by mistake) that they had not only been having an affair, but also emailing each other behind both mine & the OW's husband's back.

I confronted my husband about the emails & demanded he told me the truth even though I already what was going on but didn't want to believe it. He reluctantly told me that they'd slept together & my whole world came crashing down around me. I felt like someone had tried to stab me in the chest however my heart had already been ripped out & smashed on the ground. I was in complete despair & disbelief that I couldn't conjure any words, only tears & screams.

Side Notes:
- The OW's husband still has no idea that any of this even happened!
- The OW is practically twice my age (40), with 3 kids of her own!!
- My husband still wanted the both of us (him & me) to be friends with the OW after I found out.
- I still see the OW around the community every now & again.

Needless to say I (just turned) 23 & am dealing with some big problems on my own whilst my "friends" are off hooking up with random people & getting drunk & drugged up every weekend.

We had some counselling when I found out as I couldn't deal with any of it, I was catatonic the majority of the time for about a year. I could barely eat anything & if I tried to then it made me throw up, I couldn't even keep water down (the only thing I managed to keep down was alcohol!), I barely slept but when I did I was having nightmares, I couldn't do my job or hold a conversation, I was having hallucinations, I could barley get myself out of bed & dressed in the morning & was severely depressed & suicidal.

After seeing a Dr he put me on anti-depressants combined with visits to my counselor & I slowly began to claw back at my sanity. I still struggle & fall back into old destructive patterns, but I'm trying to work my way through this never-ending turmoil.

Apart from the obvious destruction this situation has caused I have been trying to deal with this situation alone. I am no longer seeing my counselor, no longer on medication (although sometimes I think I should be) & none of my friends ask how I am. (I told some of them about it when I found out & they would check up on me, however they don't do that anymore. It's like they've completely forgotten about it & even make inappropriate jokes which they don't remember are inappropriate until I remind them!)

One thing that I'm currently trying to work out/deal with is that I have noticed recently that I seem to be wanting male attention. My husband is currently harvesting which means he's not home a lot, however I've been feeling like this since before he started harvesting. Even if he gives me attention it doesn't seem to matter, I still want attention from other males.

I don't think I could do the same thing he's done to me, even though (to be honest) I have thought & fantacised about it. My husband has been my only sexual partner & of course you fantacise about it being so young & only ever being with 1 person.

I don't understand why I feel like I want this other attention - whether it's because I'd feel like I was "getting back" at my husband for what he's put me through (which he expects me to do & told me that it wouldn't surprise him if I did the same thing), or just because I want to feel loved/needed/special again.

So many of these thoughts are trapped in my mind all day & I can't seem to get them out. I have no-one to turn to & I don't understand why this happened or how I feel, or why he would do something like that with someone twice my age??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why would he do this with someone twice your age? Because he wanted to. He must find her sexy. Because she was willing.

A large percentage of betrayed spouses get the desire to cheat and seek out attention of others. It’s normal and it’s not good. Many betrayed spouses follow through and do have affairs. In the end it causes most of them a lot of pain. It seldom fixes anything.

If you have been so emotionally devastated for a year, doesn’t your family notice this? It sounds like you need to get back on meds and back into counseling. You do not sound emotionally well still.

It takes 2-5 years to recovery from infidelity. And that’s when people are doing the right things. I’m not sure from your post that you and your husband have done the right things. It sounds to me like the two of you have tried to sweep this all under the rug and forget it.

Depression is often caused by a person using all their energy to try to stuff the things that anger and upset them. You need to stop stuffing this. How do you do that?

Well you start by getting help and by taking back your dignity. You need to expose his affair. Call her husband and tell him. Do you still have the evidence? If so send him a copy. Your husband has to end all contact with this woman. That means that you cannot be friends with them anymore.

Tell his family and yours about the affair. Ask them to help you by talking some sense into him.

What has your husband done to help you heal? What has he done to prove that he can be trusted?

I suggest that you get the books “Surviving An Affair” by Dr. Harley. After you read that one get “His Needs, Her Needs”. The books will tell you what you need to do. Your husband has things he needs to do as well.

Why don’t you have anyone you can turn to? Do you have family? Do you have any trusted friends?


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## broken_butterfly (Apr 23, 2013)

I don't know why he would do that with someone twice my age, I still ask myself that everyday & it hurts more than you could imagine. I also still wonder what about her is so much better than me & why it even happened to start with.

I'm not saying that I have "the desire to cheat", I just seem to want attention from other people but if they get too close then I shut down & run away.

I don't get along with my family, there is a few distant relatives that I still have something to do with but they live in another state so I don't tend to see them very often.

It was a real struggle to start with as my husband was resisting the steps we needed to take to move on, but since seeing the counselor (& realising she wasn't just going to sit there the whole time & point the finger at him) he realised what he needed to do. He's actually been pretty good about the whole thing (apart from a few slip up's) & adhered to my demands.

He let me look through everything - his messages, call history, emails, facebook etc. He's made every part of his life open for inspection & still lets me do it now when I feel I need to. He also updated me multiple times during the day on where he is, what he's doing, who he's with etc. He still does it now but I have let go of the leash a little bit as he has earnt that because he has been doing the right thing.

He stopped all contact with her after the counselor explained why it was important, I also stopped being friends with them as soon as I found out. I've run into the OW a few times but I haven't said anything or even looked at her because I would lose my temper if I did.. She's also been with her kids any time I've seen her & I have more respect for her kids & poor husband than to start something in front of them.

The OW has begged me not to say anything to her husband (which I also kind of see as leverage if she doesn't stay away) as he's been going through a pretty tough time. He saw a friend die in a car crash & their body fly out the window.. all of the gory details! He's been struggling with that since around the same time & is severely depressed etc.

His mum & cousin know about the affair, & my cousin, my boss & a few of our close friends. Apart from that I don't want anyone else to know that I wasn't good enough for him that he felt he had to go out & sleep with another woman twice my age!!!

I don't have many friends left that I can trust (or that stick around for very long). I've always been a bit of a loner which is why I tend to keep things to myself.

I've always been a very private person, & I don't like announcing to everyone personal details about my life & what I'm going through. I've gotten so good a faking a smile that even I can't tell the difference anymore, that's the way it's always been & probably always will be.

I was also talking to an old friend last night (that I just so happened to date back in high school) & he steered the conversation from being about how his gf broke up with him, to professing how much he still cares for me & that I should run away & be with him?? Seriously?! Like I don't have enough sh*t to deal with right now!


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

It wasn't really a flaw with you that caused him to cheat - it was a flaw in him. I understand not wanting to tell the other husband because of his problems, but you're losing, not gaining leverage by keeping this information in your back pocket. And if she doesn't do it again with your man, she'll do it again with another, behind her broken and depressed man's back. It may save him some pain in the short term, but it will not fix his problems.

I'm a loner too, I'm proud too, and I told everyone close to us. It stings that she cheated on me, but I do not take it as being my fault in any way, and I know I could land another girl without much trouble if I wanted. I told her brother (friend of mine), who then told her father and mother, I told my family, our mutual friends, and the other man's wife. Scorched earth left the ****roaches no place to run and hide - the fantasy was over and reality began to set. 

I feel no shame because of the way I handled the situation - the shame is hers. Her actions do not reflect on me in my view - they prove that I am a better man than she deserves or could hope to find again. I am in control.

Do not seek other attention from men until you make a decision about your husband. Don't sink to his level - rise above it. Keep doing the things for you and stay strong.


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## misfitmischief (Aug 18, 2013)

Your husband committed the ultimate betrayal. Are you really willing to spend the rest of your life with someone who has broken your trust in this way? Maybe the desire for attention from other men is a sign that you aren't meant to be in this relationship. You don't sound happy


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

broken_butterfly said:


> His mum & cousin know about the affair, & my cousin, my boss & a few of our close friends. Apart from that I don't want anyone else to know that *I wasn't good enough for him* that he felt he had to go out & sleep with another woman twice my age!!!


Stop this kind of thinking. Right now.

Your husband cheated because he could. His bad choices have nothing to do with you or your qualities as a human being. He threw away his integrity, his marriage vows, his chance to be a man of substance, because he's flawed. We're all flawed, of course, but not all of us have it in us to betray ourselves or the ones we love.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I understand your decision not to tell the OW's husband, for now, given that he's going through such intense grief and trauma due to actually witnessing the death of a friend. You know the kind of trauma that YOU are going through, and you don't want to add another trauma on top of it for him right now. 

I'm a private person too, and haven't shared my situation with anybody other than a counselor. But if the OW in my situation had been married, I do think I would have felt obligated at some point to inform her husband. This man really deserves to know, if the OW won't tell him the truth. Not now - I understand your reason for holding off - but if you were in his shoes, and one betrayed spouse knew but the other one didn't, wouldn't you feel that you should have been told?

As to her being so much older, please don't let that aspect of this bother you. It was all about her being willing and available for sex. When an opportunity presents itself, the package may not be all that spectacular, but when someone is vulnerable to having an affair, the packaging isn't all that important. Have you read "NOT Just Friends" by Shirley Glass? She describes the various reasons people may be more vulnerable to affairs. Some people are more psychologically "predisposed," and then conditions may be right, and then someone who's willing happens to come in their path - that person may not be a hot young sex goddess, but our husbands didn't care.

And as others have said, this wasn't about YOU. It was about HIS issues. Something was missing or empty or not right inside of HIM. Most marriages aren't perfect, but no marriage is so bad that an affair is the right corrective action. Nothing you did or didn't do made him a cheater. HE decided to become a cheater rather than to work proactively on himself or on any issues between you that were bothering him. After being caught, most cheaters say their marriages weren't good - but most cheaters also rewrite history as if to almost "justify" their cheating, so they even lie to themselves as they try to convince us the state of the marriage was worse than it really was. (I've found text messages that prove my WS was telling me things were pretty darn good at the same time he was texting the OW - like telling me "I love you with all my heart;" and a few days later, on the anniversary of our first date, these have been "the best years of my life.")


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would expose it to the husband. Of course there is trauma at losing the friend but I think he should know. I would not tell anyone you are going to share this with him. 

Before you go any further with any other guy, whether new or an old friend, D your husband, then you will be free to pursue other men.


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