# Struggling with "not so happy" New Year news.



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Well. I know my 22 year old daughter smokes marijuana, and I hate it! She lives on her own, is in school, works, etc., but I still hate it for a myriad of reasons. I am JUST newly divorced, and just today my 19 year old son who is still living with me finally admitted he TOO smokes pot. I feel absolutely alone and helpless today. My ex, is off "camping with the GF" and I am sure could care less. Ever since he left, he has had little or nothing to do with our kids. He did however have them over for dinner, but contact is NEVER made by him first. Once they became teens, he was all but "hands off" and left all the hard stuff (discipline, etc.) solely to me. I have contacted him telling him I need to speak with him, and he in his "oh so caring way" told me to write him an email. I would rather not place this in an email. I'm an idiot for thinking HE could be a source of help and support for any of us. UGH UGH UGH. I would appreciate any and all advice about this subject. I realize that pot is VERY prevalent with young people and have done a lot of reading/research. I STILL feel betrayed, and like everyone in my life is letting me down and disappointing me when I am such an honest and moral person. (Yes, I did my share of drinking and experimenting when I was younger, but thank GOD I never did more than "try drugs." Alcohol.....that was a different story) Have any of you dealt with this issue? I welcome all comments  I'd like advice on dealing with the ex on issues such as this, as well as the "pot smoking/drugs
" issue as well. Happy New Year to you all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You asked for advice... use email to communicate with your spouse whenever possible. Don't call him. Calling him obviously upsets you so why do you call him? The only reason to call him would be for life threatening incidents for your children. And even then you could just text him.

It sounds like you did what our children are doing, but somehow now you hold them to a higher standard than you held yourself. Why are you judging them for doing the same thing you did.

The only thing you can really do with your 22 year old is to voice your disapproval of her using pot. If you feel strongly enough against it you could tell her that you will withhold all financial help unless she submits to drug tests when you want her to. But you'd have to make that decision for yourself.

As for your son; he lives in your home. You cannot control what he does outside your home. There are different options you have in dealing with him being in your home.

You could tell him to move out because of his drug use.

You could tell him that in order to stay he has to submit to drug tests when you want him to. Pot is one of the few drugs that acutally stay in the system long enough to show up on a drug test.

You could tell him that he is not to bring any illegal drugs into your home. If he does he has to move out.


You need to decide on your own how you will handle their pot use in your home. You cannot ask your ex to help you make this decision or set these limits for your adult children in your own home. Your ex will have to make these same decisions for his own home.

Hopefully this is the experimental stage and your children will end their pot usage sooner than later. And hopefully they do not graduate into harder drugs.


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## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

@EleGirl- Thank you for a very thorough, and candid response. Not that it really matters, but my "experimenting" with any kind of drug was in college. I was very "straight" in H.S. The drinking age was younger back in the day, and unfortunately, my parents gave me alcohol at a very young age, which I greatly regret. I had many years of "drinking" that I now regret. I realize I feel differently about my own kids doing things. I just feel that many of us feel "defeated" and adopt the attitude...."Well, they're going to do it somehow, some way, so what's the point?" I just don't quite know how to proceed. I'm conflicted personally. I realize this is something I have to decide on my own as for how/if I will handle this.

As for the ex, I only texted him. I keep finding myself wanting him to be a "co-parent" but WTH would he step up NOW, when he really never did before.

You've given me a lot of great things to ponder, and again, I thank you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

There is no easy recipe for dealing with the kids on the use of drugs or drinking, and obviously you are on your own here so I would tell the ex what you know but figure on dealing with this issue on your own. 

I found my son was smoking pot two years ago, he was 16 and claimed to just be experimenting. Maybe so but....he lost the privilege of sleeping at any of his buddies houses, he had to take a drug test every couple of months and if he failed he would lose the use of a car until he tested clean. He never failed another test and at this point I (kind of) trust him. I also flooded him with information, anything I saw about drug use or drinking I made him sit at the table and read, and we then talked about it. And I am able to point at my 54 year old sister as an example of what chronic drug use will do to a person and their life, not a pretty picture. Also do not give either of your kids cash, and tell family to give them no cash as gifts. 

Your daughter will be harder because she is out of the house but don't give up on her. Talk and talk and keep talking, if she has a boyfriend get on him as well. 

One thing that really helped both my kids was sending them to a life coach after their mom and I divorced. The life coach was a therapist who specialized in teenagers, she helped them develop goals and work at achieving those goals. She also was a great neutral party for the kids to talk with, the kids talked with her about things they wouldn't talk with me about. 

Good luck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Trust me, marijuana is far safer then alcohol abuse. But personally I just prefer the alcohol.


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## Confused_11 (Aug 11, 2011)

My 17 yr old Step daughter smokes it. Her mother, buys her pipes as well! Her mother is a terrible alcoholic. (Ex: She will have $20 in her pocket. If the daughter needs feminine needs, she will tell her tough luck and buy her alcohol.) My husband and I have caught her smoking IN MY HOUSE (I have a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old) I told her if she were to do it again, I would kick her out in the street so fast her head would spin. Shortly after we confiscated a pipe from her room. I told her that was the last straw. If I caught ANY contraband in my house one more time I was going to contact the law and have her arrested for possession. I still search her room. So far I have come across nothing, but I do not doubt that she will slip eventually. I will not tolerate it. I suggest the same for the child that still resides with you. I understand that they are "adults" and feel they don't need to listen to you, but your house your rules. It's a harsh way to deal with the issue, but who is to say that eventually they may slip into something more dangerous? Drug addicts have no care for other people than themselves. Who is to say that later marijuana doesn't satisfy his needs and he goes to something harsher causing danger to you. I am by no means trying to scare you, I am just trying to warn you. You don't have to take the rough road like I did, but you can at least try and discuss it with your 19 yr old. Let him know how you feel. As far as the ex is concerned, I am at a loss on how to help you with that. My husbands ex encourages and allows those things. But I wish you the best of luck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My kids are 22, 20 and almost 18, and I would rather they smoked pot than drank alcohol. I'm actually thinking of trading the booze for pot myself. I have relatives who smoke pot regularly, and I know a few people professionally who do as well.

Anything else as far as illegal drugs, though, I do NOT condone


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