# Rollercoasters and hurt



## mydoghasfleas (Aug 27, 2014)

Im not even sure where to begin. I am in the final stages of a divorce after a nearly 10 year relationship. Ironically the divorce final day will be on the 10 year anniversary of the first date. Our relationship had a lot of great highs and a lot of really bad lows as well. Part of what lead to our breakup was children or lack of. I became Catholic to marry my wife but had gotten fixed in a previous relationship. I also had a daughter from a previous relationship that I was raising on my own. 

Fast forward nine years, I had medical complications from the reversal and began looking at my options for a reversal both for the medical and religious reasons. The chances weren't great we'd have a child but in my heart, I didn't feel like I could call myself a Catholic without giving God the chance to fulfill the sacrament of marriage as it was intended.

My soon to be ex did not change her mind on children and was very adamantly opposed. Many months went by and I found myself in a urologist's office without her discussing the options I had. A few months ago I decided to tell her I wanted to end our marriage because I was not going to force her to explore having a child with me because it wasn't what she wanted.

For a split second and out of desperation she said she would try to have a child with me. However things quickly escalated between us and I moved out because of a history of violent episodes during fights. A physical fight and she damaged several sentimental and valuable things that were important to me. For that reason I chose to move out and take a breather. She told me we could work it out but things continued to get much worse. Instead of having a heart to reconcile, she kept lashing out in anger and destroyed what was left of our marriage and our friendship. Her communications with me were always angry. I responded as best I could with compassion and empathy. If I couldn't manage that, I didn't respond to her.

She told me she went to our priest to get advice to reconcile our marriage and how to tell me about a gun she purchased (after I removed one from the house when I moved out). When I spoke to the priest later, he was shocked that she told me she came to him to get his advice about the gun and reconciliation. Instead she got an annulment form and did nothing but bad mouth me to the priest. She asked me to lie to a future marriage tribunal saying I deceived her about wanting children to get an annulment.

She filed for divorce. From the day I moved out she has continued to lash out in anger, talking to every one of our mutual friends, harassing them to choose her over me, kept me from our house, spent a lot of money needlessly and hurt me in ways that no one else has in my life, at least no one who said they loved me. Her behavior has been extremely vindictive and erratic. Everything she's done and said behind my back say she wanted a divorce but she would tell me something different to my face. It's been a constant whiplash and there are days (when I'm in the middle of the contradictions) feel like I don't know which way is up. 

I thought my ex was the love of my life and would be it for me. If I didn't, I wouldn't have married her, especially in the Catholic Church where divorces are not ok. I still find myself feeling that grief at times and having to grieve losing 10 years of my life, family and friends as well as the life I thought we'd have together. Even though she was controlling and at times abusive, I still loved her and hoped someday (at least before I moved out), that she'd have a change of heart and we'd get the chance to salvage our relationship. 

In the middle of this tragedy, I met someone and we've become very close. Ironically we knew each other 16 years ago and she'd even watched my daughter once or twice as an infant. We didn't figure this out for the first month or so we'd become re-acquainted. She's everything my ex is not. She treats me with such kindness and she understands me in a way that no one else has. She accepts me for who I am today and sees the best in me, even when I can't see it. She loves me with all of her heart and I love her very deeply. She has a small child and wants to have more. She's extremely selfless and giving. She has a beautiful soul and a smile that melts my heart. We make each other happy and we do not have major communication issues or immaturity that plagued my previous relationship. 

My dilemma is with everything that has happened the last couple years and especially what's happened since I moved out has really taken a toll on me. I feel extremely damaged and part of me wonders if my heart will ever stop feeling its made of swiss cheese.

There are days when everything is fine. Then there are days when I'm distant and numb, moments where I'm depressed and saddened that things ended the way they did. I've accepted my marriage is over for some time. I did before I asked to end it. But I find myself continuing to take roller-coaster rides. Moving forward has been very painful even though I know its what is best and is what needs to happen. I seem to jump between stages and it happens at unpredictable times. Sometimes triggered by an event that reminds me of something from the past, sometimes nothing at all. 

I've been seeing a therapist and I've talked about the issues and will continue to see him for awhile. He seems to think I'm progressing normally. Moving forward I do see myself having a future with my new love. She has been through what I'm going through and has really helped me keep my head above water in the most difficult thing I've gone through as an adult. I realize everyone is different and processes things at their own rate. How long does it take for the jumping around to stop and actually have traction to be healed enough to be happy most of the time without a regular trip to the amusement park?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mydoghasfleas said:


> Things quickly escalated between us and I moved out because of a history of violent episodes during fights. A physical fight and she damaged several sentimental and valuable things that were important to me.....Her behavior has been extremely vindictive and erratic.


MDHF, welcome to the TAM forum. It would be helpful if you would tell us what "a history of violent episodes" means. Are you saying SHE was the violent one? How often did it occur during the ten years? By "a physical fight," do you mean that she was hitting you? If so, how often did that occur? Did you hit her back?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The rollercoaster is pretty normal. But over time the good days should get to be more prevalent. 

Make sure you do things for yourself. Build a strong social support system. Get out and do things that you enjoy and meet new people. when we focus on things outside of ourselves, it's easier to move forward.


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## mydoghasfleas (Aug 27, 2014)

Uptown said:


> MDHF, welcome to the TAM forum. It would be helpful if you would tell us what "a history of violent episodes" means. Are you saying SHE was the violent one? How often did it occur during the ten years? By "a physical fight," do you mean that she was hitting you? If so, how often did that occur? Did you hit her back?


I never hit her back. A dozen or so fights over the years that would escalate to physical episodes. Sometimes things were thrown at me and the only reason I wasn't hit was I ducked out of the way. She was also physically abusive towards my daughter. Several incidents where she hit her, choked her. I had to get between them.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mydoghasfleas said:


> A dozen or so fights over the years that would escalate to physical episodes. Sometimes things were thrown at me and the only reason I wasn't hit was I ducked out of the way. She was also physically abusive towards my daughter. Several incidents where she hit her, choked her.


MDHF, the reason I asked about the violence and abuse is that you are describing some of the warning signs for BPD, which my exW has. Specifically, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., "erratic," "extremely vindictive," "violent episodes during fights," verbal and physical abuse, and temper tantrums -- are some of the classic red flags for BPD. Of course, you will not be able to diagnose your W to determine whether her BPD traits are so strong as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that.

You nonetheless are capable of spotting the warning signs for having strong BPD traits if you take a little time to read about them. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about red flags such as strong verbal abuse, very controlling behavior, and always being "The Victim" (i.e., blaming you for every misfortune).

I therefore suggest you take a look at my list of red flags at 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in Maybe's Thread. If that discussion rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, MDHF.


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## mydoghasfleas (Aug 27, 2014)

To be honest, some of those fit and then some don't. I'm not quite sure how to categorize her behavior other than a full blown psychotic episode or breakdown. 

I had to go to court yesterday and was in the same waiting room with her for about 2 hours as the lawyers did their thing. The morning went like this:

She told me how she NOW realizes how I felt for the years she neglected me, how I felt going to church, being around families with children, etc...now that I'm not there. Everything I felt the last year plus she now understands. When I was going through it, I had to hurry up and get over it. 

There was a weapon in the house. I removed it before I told her our marriage was over. The day I moved out she asked me where it was. She bought another one right after I left and would send angry and threatening texts. She even showed up to my work once. I also recently took half of our dogs to live with me. They were VERY depressed living in the house and were more attached to me. She told her lawyer that I agreed to give it all back to her. When she asked I said no. My lawyer said her lawyer agreed her client was a little bit "crazy" yet she continued to argue the point in court over the gun to have it returned.

While the lawyers continued, she admitted:

She wanted to harm me with our gun the day I moved out (but she wanted her gun back because she would NEVER harm me)

She de-friended me on Facebook AND asked all mutual friends to choose her or me after she regularly harassed and badmouthed me to them to get me out of her life (but she misses me and wants me back)

The woman I've started seeing is "inconsequential" to her and she could care less. But she's admitted to having "happy" dreams of where she beat the GF to a bloody pulp while I watched and did nothing, has called her work several times and was stalking her house. 

She has paranoid thinking, imagining someone is going to break into her house. She accused me of trying to sneak in the house even though I now live 25 miles away. She sleeps with "all doors locked" including the bedroom and has a butcher knife in the nightstand.

When I took half of the dogs, she said "others" accused me of trying to push me over the edge. "Other" people wanted to seek me out and harm me but she said no, "leave him alone"

She accused me of taking her medications to build a case she's mentally unstable. She's taking at least two anti-psychotics (maybe a 3rd). The last time I was in the house I saw a third script for a medication I didn't recognize but sounded in the same genre as the Clorzapam and Topamax she's currently taking. I believe its Chlorpromazine. 

She's definitely confused. She's asked me at least 5 times where her gun (that I confiscated) is. Each time I've told her it was with my lawyer. She acts like she doesn't remember I told her. 

Her mood went from sadness and tears to angry back and forth. 

I was glad to get the court appearance over with. The court wanted to see her records from the therapist. My concern will be that the records may not indicate an issue and the court will order to have the gun returned. I am still very concerned for everyone safety. She doesn't have my address and I am keeping anything I do on social media to a minimum.

She's mad at me for not returning her angry or "hey baby I miss you" texts/voicemails. Really tired of this ride and I want off ASAP.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mydoghasfleas said:


> To be honest, some of those fit and then some don't. I'm not quite sure how to categorize her behavior other than a full blown psychotic episode or breakdown.


Perhaps that is what you're seeing now, MDHF. You do not describe psychotic breakdowns, however, as occurring for the past 10 years. Instead, you describe her as having "a history of violent episodes" that occurred "a dozen or so times over the years." On top of that, there were several instances in which she physically assaulted your daughter. I mention this because you are not describing a one-time psychotic breakdown but, rather, a continual history of anger issues and losing control of her own emotions.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your STBX is a ticking time bomb.... for your safety and your daughter

it may be wise to cool the engine with new g/f. Do you have a RO?

I am a firm believer in one's childhood will shape their adulthood.

Was she abused as a child? Does she smoke? Does she drink?

I would need a lot more info but she would be worth an evaluation

for a split personality. Usually someone as her would want to have a

child with you to maintain a hold over you. In some ways, she is / has

held you hostage through your faith. My heart goes out to you


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## mydoghasfleas (Aug 27, 2014)

Moxiesbuddy said:


> MDHF, you were right in using "rollercoaster" in your post. There are few things more painful than being mischaracterized by someone close to us. We all long to be understood, and for our motives to be seen as pure ~ or at least accurate.
> 
> You didn't set out to destroy your wife or her reputation, but the details you've shared make it hard to view some of her behavior in a positive light. Is she being monitored by a psychiatrist? For the safety of you and others, I would think some of these events should be reported in case her meds need to be adjusted. An accurate diagnosis seems to be greatlneeded. Could your therapist advise you along these lines?
> 
> ...



I dont think she's being seen by a therapist. The one I'm seeing was "ours". Since I knew she needed help way more than I did, I let her have first crack at seeing him since he wouldn't agree to see us separately. She didn't contact him to set any followup appointments so I moved forward with him. Her doctor (also a close friend) was prescribing her medications but I think they had a falling out so I'm not sure where things stand. It's not like she shares anything with me nor is it any of my business provided she stays out of mine.

I think the hardest thing that I've had to come to terms with is how horribly shes treated me since I moved out and the realization that she didn't truly love or respect me, that she chose to be who she is and not live up to her potential or be a better person. I just wasn't the right person and I wasn't enough. She didn't want to have a real marriage, she wanted a companion and someone to fit in the corner of her life she'd carved out after her career and her own desires. 

Of course the insults said to my face and half truth's she's said and done behind my back continue to add much more pain to an already very painful situation. I honestly don't understand how doing the crazy/ugly things shes done makes her feel better or the situation better. I'm pretty sure its made her more miserable too.

@ Chuck71, I'm not a professional so I could't begin to guess whats going on. She's not going to be honest with a therapist so it would take someone like me who is seeing both sides to provide insight. I don't know who else that's close to her now that would be able to provide that insight. From her stories growing up, her mom raised her mostly by herself, worked two jobs most of her life and would come home tired and not give her the attention she craved from her. When I would repeat those stories to her, she would defend her mom. Her mother didn't necessarily give her a very nurturing environment and that also played a role in her personality development. I tried to take care of her and give her the attention she needed. She simply didn't return it. 

I stayed as long as I did because of my faith, love and the hope that the "grinch" part of her personality (for lack of better wording) would grow. I gave it everything I had. The irony of losing my faith because the born and raised Catholic didn't believe in the sacrament of marriage, at least in the intent of it, is disillusioning. It's been a couple weeks since I've been and I feel horrible all the way around. 

I just want to be able to move forward and finally have what I need/want/deserve from a partner in life and have this whole ugly mess behind me.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

mydoghasfleas said:


> The irony of losing my faith because the born and raised Catholic didn't believe in the sacrament of marriage, at least in the intent of it, is disillusioning.
> 
> ...I just want to be able to move forward and finally have what I need/want/deserve from a partner in life and have this whole ugly mess behind me.


Fleas, I am also a "born and raised" Catholic. I divorced after a 20-year dysfunctional, loveless marriage. My divorce was very hard to reconcile with my faith. It's what kept me from doing it FAR sooner than I did.

Bottom line, I went to church, went to confession, talked to my parish priest. When my priest told me what I already knew -- my partner betrayed every vow by not being a true husband in the sense of the word (you can read my story in my signature line) -- I was able to let go of the Catholic guilt and realize that the H*ll I was living in is never what a loving God intended.

I guess you could call me one of those "cherry-picking" Catholics now... take what works and chuck the rest.

Bottom line, I am more SPIRITUAL than I am RELIGIOUS....

I am one of God's creations. He loves me regardless of poor choices and bad decisions and bad husbands.

Don't lose your faith. Let go of the ingrained guilt, move forward in a healthy relationship with a God who LOVES you, and be the BEST person you can be.

In the end, that's all that really matters.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Bottom line, I am more SPIRITUAL than I am RELIGIOUS....


I grew up Baptist (South), moved to Methodist, then Catholicism

until I settled on spiritual. Even though I had issues with organized

religion, getting a D bothered me. I went to a non-denomination 

church and spoke to an associate pastor. He confirmed pretty 

much what I had thought about D. Come to realize he ran MC

seminars in nearby city. He was joking with me one day about

having to MC with several gay couples. Everything he had told me,

was contradicted. We have not spoken since. One can be 

spiritual...and religious without attending a church.


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