# New here -living together but separately



## mytwoboys (May 9, 2011)

Just registered 5 minutes ago but have been busy reading this forum for the last week. 

I won't go into all the details now, but I would *love* to get a divorce. My dh & I have been married 17 years & have 2 boys, 12 & 8. He works 2nd shift, I work 1st --it works great. Except I dread the weekends when I have to see him. We don't argue -- we all get along fine, which is why I'm not rushing into divorce. He just irritates me. He barely speaks, he doesn't move from the couch, he does nothing with the kids, he has health issues -- I will go into all that later. My son's divorced friends have a terrible time shuttling between 2 houses. I say as long as we are amicable & not fighting, the situation works.

Funny thing is, I know that I would never get married again, probably not even date. Not interested. I am not gay. I've never had an affair. I just long to be alone. Not alone without my kids, my kids will always come first. I mean alone without my husband, without any man. The boys & I always have a great time together --- life is easier during the week when dad is not here. I must be the only one who actually looks forward to the work week!

No counseling -- not interested. I am just done. But I don't want to give up my house ---heck we couldn't even sell it in this market -- & I don't want to share custody of the boys --right now I know where they are at all times & who they are with. My husband does not enjoy spending time with them at all. Nobody would enjoy it if he was forced to be with them every weekend, or whatever it would be. Things are ok the way they are. I've read on other threads the same situation going on -- except the author always says they are lonely --they long for companionship. I am different. I am fine on my own.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

It appears you are content to continue to have your financial needs and child custody benefits continue via the marriage, but you spend no time with him, you get irritated with him, you put the kids before him, and you are content to be completely withdrawn from the marriage and have seemingly given up counseling and any hope of fixing things.

Personally I would be curious what your husband would say if he were to post here...he is not exactly getting a lot out of the marriage either if you ask me.

But if this arrangement works for you guys, that's great... everyone is different.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

OP will you let your kids marry and move out eventually or are they firmly lashed to you till death?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I don't think you are being fair on your children. Your are an example to them on how a marriage should be. Allowing your husband to remain unengaged with them is quite cruel to them. he needs to know that at the very least he is not being a good father, let alone a good husband.

I also think he deserves to know how you feel and deserves the chance to do things differently.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, have you actually spoken to him yet about how you are feeling? Runs like Dog has a point, you will get your wish and be very alone once your two boys move out. They will have their own lives. Maybe you are very different but most of us are alone because of one unwanted situation or another; it seems to me that you want to be alone at the moment. While you may feel this way right now - think very hard about how it will really be 5, 10, 15, 20 years from now.

Could it be that you are just very resentful that your husband has been non-existant and you have been sacrificing all of your time on the kids? I don't think wanting to be alone is really what you are reaching out on this forum for. If you have not had an honest from the heart sit down talk with him about this, then that is not giving him a chance to correct things; if you have and he insists on being incognito in the marriage then you probebly should look into a separation, might bring him into the light since he will have to tend to everything for himself being on his own. Again though, not all men are like this. Most would be there for you and be very helpful to you; it seems like he is just not giving you a chance to have your alone time.

Also, I am not sure what you mean by health issues but I am assuming that the health issue doesn't impede his abililty to get off the couch and do things with you. If his health issue is serious then maybe he can not help sitting on the couch a lot. I don't know, maybe this is not relevant, I'm just trying to cover all the basis.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

It's not a good thing when you don't communicate. Solving problems can only be accomplished through communication, even if it hurts.

When one refuses to communicate then nothing is ever resolved, the irritation, frustrations, anger and sometimes hatred becomes greater.

It does no good to hide your feelings because it will only eat away at you, and really ... you owe it to your kids to try and communicate with your husband and discuss the situation.

Then if he refuses to budge and make any changes, then you can rest assured that you've done your very best to try and make things work out. However, keep in mind that it takes two to make a marriage work.

You can only live in a loveless/quiet house for so long. it will keep eating away at you and it may even affect your health. Then one day when you can no longer stand it, things will erupt and you go on your way. By that time, a lot of damage has been done.

NO COUNSELING? Are you really willing to save your marriage or are content to go on the way you are. If it's the last resort ... why not?


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## mytwoboys (May 9, 2011)

Financial needs --- I make as much as he does, so he's not "taking care of me". In fact, he does not know how to do laundry or pay bills -- I'm not exaggerating -- I have recently tried to show him how to do laundry & he told me I'm better off just doing it myself. Before we lived together he had a checkbook but never wrote checks or deposits so he never knew how much he had. He had serious credit problems. I take care of all the finances. All the housework. 50% of the yardwork. And all the child rearing. So who takes care of whom? Will I let my kids move out? Of course -- they spend time with other relatives, friends -- I'm not saying I don't want to share custody because they are tied to me -- I'm saying I want them to be with someone who actually *wants* to be with them, not because they are forced to be. He's never read a book to either of them, never played a board game with either of them, has been to their school one time (my older one is in 6th grade) --when I asked him recently if he wanted to go to a basketball tournament our son was playing in, he said "no thanks, I can't sit on bleachers that long". So bash me all you want -- I want my kids to feel loved not like they are an annoyance.

He is the one who never wants to talk. I talk to him, & he stares at the tv. He gets up in the morning on the weekends & goes right to the couch, where he lays there & watches tv ALL DAY. Doesn't eat with us, doesn't go anywhere with us, doesn't talk to us. If anyone wouldn't be annoyed by that then you are a saint. His health problem is an esophageal issue, so getting off the couch is not a problem.

Trust me, he knows how I feel. I am not keeping anything from him.


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## beatman (May 9, 2011)

How do you leave when he makes promises like things well get better. It has been 5 months since my husband returned from a job in California and he has not been the same. He says he met someone over the phone while working, he's a telephone-man. And he says he miss California and he needed a vacation by myself. He's a good man and he takes care of the house plus he has been taking care of his father since he was twelve so I told him to take his vacation in July. Now he is leaving for Las Vegas for a weekend trip, he says with the fellows at work but I don't believe him. He takes his laptop to work and into the bathroom. He says he is going through a midlife crisis and I'm trying to be understanding because I want my marriage. But it's hard when you know that his is emotionally attached to someone else. Im trying hard to keep my sanity. Not just for me but for my daughter because she sees the change in our relationship. I can't seem to stop texting him but he says that ok. I'm so confused.


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## beatman (May 9, 2011)

I really feel we are living together but living separate lives at least he is anyway.


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