# Getting a divorce...passive aggressive husband.



## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

I am new to this forum. My husband and I decided to seperate last week after only 6 months of marriage. This is so embarrasing to me as it was my second marriage. I really went into this marriage believing he was the one for me. I loved him and really still do. After 2 years of dating and being married for 6 months I finally stumbled upon an article describing men who are passive aggressive. I knew we had "issues" but I could never figure out what exactly was wrong with our relationship. Well he fit the description of passive aggressive to a tee! I refuse to live in a emotionally abussive relationship no matter how much I care for him. I felt like I was quickly becoming a shell of my former self. Day after day of feeling no love, no emotional connection, undesirable, and at the bottom of the totem pole... so to speak... I have had enough of it. He is a master at turning every discussion I tried to have with him into somehow everything being my fault and I was the one who would end up feeling guilty and apologizing for nothing! We finally had a blow up last week..well I blew up while he sat there and staired at the television showing no emotion..and I left the next night. At this point he wants a divorce too. But if the past is any indication of the future in a few weeks he will be regretful and willing to do anything to get me back. We broke up at least 4 times while dating and he always lured me back in with his charming ways and promises that always come crashing down after he feels secure in our relationship again. I could write a book on all of this but I will stop for now. Just wondering if anyone else has been through this? I am just hoping he will not make this hard. He says we will file divorce next week and I am just hoping we can get through this as painlessly as possible. It hurts to talk to him on the phone...still so many feelings. I just want this to be over and done with so we can both get on with our lives. Would love to hear from others!!


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this.

Personally, I don't have much advice seeing how I am currently going through my first divorce.

I am kind of curious to know how soon after your first divorce did you start dating him?

You said you dated for 2 years and only married for 6 months .. so how did it just seem to come crashing down so fast?


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

6 months? and this is your second marriage? Were you dating him before you were divorced from hubby #1? 

You need to figure out what exactly you will accept if he comes begging to be back together, because you know he will and you know the cards he will play. If you want to give it a shot then you need to have some serious ground rules here and if he doesn't agree then no contact.


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

UpnDown.. I started dating him just a few months after my divorce was final. We fell for each other rather quickly as he was charming as could be to begin with. I have to admit that I did see red flags while dating him but I just refused to believe that he wasn't the right one for me. It didn't just all come crashing down at once...it's been ongoing even during the dating phase. We had the his kids..my kids..issues as well and it was just a very difficult situation. Everyone tried to tell me not to marry him but I did it anyway. I only blame myself really. I just wish things would have been different. I do love him but his unwillingness to change and the way he treats me is so sad.

Paradise... No, I wasn't seeing him before being divorced from my first husband. I never ever saw myself as someone that would be divorced even one time..so the place I find myself in now is just really unbelievable.


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## UpnDown (May 4, 2012)

How long did it take you to get divorced in your first marriage?? What exactly happened in that one?? How old are you, him, your kids??

Even without knowing everything, you cannot blame yourself for it all.


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

Paradise... I forgot to say that getting back together is not an option for me. I told him that if I left I would not consider us trying again. I have been down this road with him enough to know that the changes are always temporary.


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

UpnDown.. I was married for 19 years to my first husband. It took us only a couple of months before our divorce was final. We were both very young when we got married and well it just fell apart. We have four wonderful kids though that we both love dearly. I am now 39 and current husband is 45. My kids are 21, 16, 13 and 8. His are 13 and 10. 
I don't blame myself for this marriage not working out but I blame myself for ignoring the red flags and marrying him anyway. I loved him and wanted him to be the right one for me. Just stepped out on a limb and well it didn't take long for it to break!


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Dees I am sorry you are going through this. What were the red flags or redirect me to your other thread.


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

Thank you. The red flags that I saw...well like I said before everytime we broke up he always lured me back in with his promises and charm and it never lasted. He lived 60 miles from me and I was always the one putting out the effort to go see him. He occasionally would come my way but I did the majority of the traveling. He remembered my birthday the first year we were dating and every other holiday after that he had a great excuse why he "forgot" to even get me a card. His family and kids were always before me..always! He was always late for everything too which drives me crazy. So I could go on and on but I won't. I just know that I saw things that should have alerted me to the fact that we were not right for each other no matter how much I loved him. I believe he loves me in his own distorted way. It hurts like hell to know we are really done but I know in the long run it is best. Not only me for but for my kids too.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was his childhood like?

Did you get any individual counseling after your first divorce?


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

He has told me before that he feels like his dad looks at him as a failure. He knows his dad loves him but he thinks he has not met his dads expectations. 
No I didn't get individual counseling after my first divorce. I really couldn't afford it as a single mom and still really can't.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

dees4 said:


> He has told me before that he feels like his dad looks at him as a failure. He knows his dad loves him but he thinks he has not met his dads expectations.
> No I didn't get individual counseling after my first divorce. I really couldn't afford it as a single mom and still really can't.


I would suggest you make sure you get it.

What you will find is that this relationship likely failed for the same reasons as the first one.

At a minimum, what you will discover is your role in it.

That may be a bit scary, but there's nothing like clarity to help you live your life better.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Dees, Conrad is right...like me, you need to work on learning what to look for and when to walk away. Setting boundaries and trusting yourself to know what's right for you. My stbxh is also passive aggressive, procrastinates or ignores all responsibility (work, bills, etc.) and player victim the entire time. Grown men should not he children. Don't think too much about HIM, think about what you could have done to stay emotionally safe. We need to choose who is worthy of our love and trust...just because we are attracted to personality or have chemistry doesn't mean he's right for us!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dees4 (Jun 30, 2012)

Thank you both for your advice!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this. We are so vulnerable after divorce. Sounds like he was a rebound and you shouldn't have married, but what can you do now? Just try to move on and learn what to look for and what to avoid. This is why it's suggested that you wait at least a year before dating anyone after divorce. I know it's tempting and you don't want to be alone but it's better for you to work in yourself than to jump into another bad relationship.
I was married to a PA man for a long time, and I know they don't get better, they get worse. After the wedding they stop their charm because they feel like they have you trapped.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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