# Ultimatum from wife



## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. Idk what to do now.


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## DinoMom (Apr 27, 2019)

Well, she has every right to be upset. Do you love your wife? Then get it together, stop the cheating….get to therapy if you need it…and tell your family the truth.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Colombianog30 said:


> I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. Idk what to do now.


Wife comes before all family except kids as far as I'm concerned. What have they been doing to her? Also, is your wife aware of the cheating?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

I just read through your other posts spanning several years. Do you still have the untreated ED problem? Have you continued to cheat on your wife since 2018 when you last mentioned cheating in old posts? I think you both may be better off going separate ways.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Yes she has. She knows what I’ve done but what is really hurting her is the fact that I have not stood up for her in 10 years and now she is done with my family not treating her as my wife or part of the family. I was raised by a single mom and I have put them first and not my wife afraid they will not love me or think something bad but now is to the point to where she is done with it and just want to be happy for herself and remove people that don’t celebrate her.


BigDaddyNY said:


> Wife comes before all family except kids as far as I'm concerned. What have they been doing to her? Also, is your wife aware of the cheating?


That’s what I have not been done because I am afraid of my own family to think I am a piece of **** (which I am). Well every time we come into my sisters house or mom homes, it feels like she is more like my gf than wife of 10 years. My mother and her don’t talk at all unless we come visit. Mom calls me 4 times a week sometimes and never my wife.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I just read through your other posts spanning several years. Do you still have the untreated ED problem? Have you continued to cheat on your wife since 2018 when you last mentioned cheating in old posts? I think you both may be better off going separate ways.


 Yes I still have my Ed problem, we’ve became more apart each year obviously but we want to work things out. Now this ultimatum really just puts me in a position that I don’t want to be in but I created it by not putting her first and mmputting my foot down to my family about her


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@Colombianog30,
It seems that you are asking us how to control this situation that you have created to remove the consequences of your actions. No one can do that. What you are facing (finally) are natural consequences of being a poor husband.

What you should do is to make some major changes, because it's the right thing to do, not because it will get you what you want. Making changes so that you can get what you want is more of what you've already been doing. You need a moral compass. 

The idea is that each person should have a moral foundation that guides their thoughts and behaviors. If you are guided by your emotions and fears, you will never be reliable or trustworthy and you will allow the perceptions of others to rule you. I assume you have a conscience - you know right from wrong - yes? I recommend you sit down and start writing out some truths that you will live by. Stop worrying about what others think and start concerning yourself with living a life of integrity.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Colombianog30 said:


> Yes I still have my Ed problem, we’ve became more apart each year obviously but we want to work things out. Now this ultimatum really just puts me in a position that I don’t want to be in but I created it by not putting her first and mmputting my foot down to my family about her


So you are up to 7 years and an ED problem while only in your 30s. If I were you that would be my top priority at the moment.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you are up to 7 years and an ED problem while only in your 30s. If I were you that would be my top priority at the moment.


Now idk how to start that conversation with my family because they think my wife is ***** and never wants to be around them but she doesn’t want to be in that position because I’ve allowed them to treat her that way


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ED at your age is likely due to porn. Cut out the porn 100%.

How your start with your family is that you tell them you need to talk about something important. You sit down with them and confess the truth. They may be angry with you and they may stop speaking to you, at least for a while, but you have to tell them the truth. Apologize for lying to them and for misrepresenting your wife to them. It's hard, but doing the right thing, even when it's difficult, will help you grow as a person. It will build your courage to do what's right and suffer the consequences. Part of growth is working through consequences of bad decisions and bad behaviors.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you really only have two choices 

continue to be a crappy husband and become her ex or 

grow up and take responsibility and be the best husband she needs and wants 

right now you are trying to placate everyone and that does not work in the end. 

if you love your wife then ALWAYs make her first


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Colombianog30 said:


> I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. Idk what to do now.


This isn't hard. You NO ONE should help you here. Figure it out, those skills will help you solve your marriage problems. I mean it's not rocket science.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Colombianog30 said:


> I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. Idk what to do now.



I will say you are at he beginning of making it right by simply acknowledging any of that. So kudos from a woman here to that alone. Proof is in the pudding though. I think it's a little brash to want you to banish your family entirely, HOWEVER if they have been hideous to her and you're not going to have the backbone to tell them so, then... Maybe she's doing a favor by making you chose. Make your choice wisely.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

How are you able to cheat if you have ED? I'm surprised your wife still wants to be married to such a mama's boy. Why not let her go so she can find a man who will actually cherish her and be able to have sex with her. 

BTW, your wife doesn't have to like or be involved with your family. Your wife is supposed to be your primary family. You're lucky she's giving you a chance to fix this.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

That should be an easy choice (wife over family).


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> How are you able to cheat if you have ED? I'm surprised your wife still wants to be married to such a mama's boy. Why not let her go so she can find a man who will actually cherish her and be able to have sex with her.
> 
> BTW, your wife doesn't have to like or be involved with your family. Your wife is supposed to be your primary family. You're lucky she's giving you a chance to fix this.


She has given me many chances and I have took them for granted and I am now speaking to my family about it and all the hurt I have caused in my marriage by not talking to other woman ( cheating) and not had sex for 3 years now. I am now realizing I have not taken care of business and lost her because she doesn’t know if she even loves me anymore. I want her to be happy even if it’s without me which obviously it is


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Bulfrog1987 said:


> I will say you are at he beginning of making it right by simply acknowledging any of that. So kudos from a woman here to that alone. Proof is in the pudding though. I think it's a little brash to want you to banish your family entirely, HOWEVER if they have been hideous to her and you're not going to have the backbone to tell them so, then... Maybe she's doing a favor by making you chose. Make your choice wisely.


thank you but I feel like I have already ****ed up all my chances with her and now when Iheard This last ultimatum by her not wanting to do anything with my family really just put everything on the line which I regret so much. She doesn’t want to be people around That doesn’t care for her and obviously that’s the voice. I feel like she deserves for me to make it right but it is also hard because I can’t cut my family out of my life like that but is get it. My wife should and is my family so she needs to come first


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Wife comes before all family except kids as far as I'm concerned. What have they been doing to her? Also, is your wife aware of the cheating?


Well for one they treat her more like a gf than my wife. I mean you can’t tell that there is something that is not right when she is around them. Now she is 46 and I am 35. We have no children because I can’t get hard and have not treated my problem which I am sure my mother thinks she is not making me want kids.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> you really only have two choices
> 
> continue to be a crappy husband and become her ex or
> 
> ...


right now my options are to make her First and work on our marriage without my family or just let her go


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Colombianog30 said:


> thank you but I feel like I have already ****ed up all my chances with her and now when Iheard This last ultimatum by her not wanting to do anything with my family really just put everything on the line which I regret so much. She doesn’t want to be people around That doesn’t care for her and obviously that’s the voice. I feel like she deserves for me to make it right but it is also hard because I can’t cut my family out of my life like that but is get it. My wife should and is my family so she needs to come first


Why can't you cut your family out? 

My family absolutely hates my wife, were horrible to her, and couldn't act like adults. Guess who I no longer talk to or see? 



Colombianog30 said:


> I am sure my mother thinks she is not making me want kids.


Then tell her what is actually going on. Hell, you could just say "male factor infertility" for that part. But get the blame off your wife.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

bobert said:


> Why can't you cut your family out?
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, were horrible to her, and couldn't act like adults. Guess who I no longer talk to or see?
> 
> ...


I ****ed up big bc now I am just confused and obviously because I care and love my family I don’t want to cut them Completely from my life but I have to put my spouse first. So you don’t talk to your family at all?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is too old to have kids, now. Does she have kids from a previous relationship?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Would your wife be agreeable to you maintaining ties with your family if wife wasn't expected to be a part of your little family? No phone calls, dinners, holidays - nothing involving wife. Your wife can consider them as dead. Of course, they would not be welcome in her home.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Colombianog30 said:


> I ****ed up big bc now I am just confused and obviously because I care and love my family I don’t want to cut them Completely from my life but I have to put my spouse first. So you don’t talk to your family at all?


I talk to my brother, because he has never been a problem. I talk to a few cousins because they are also not a problem. The only time I talk to my parents is when they show up uninvited to my house (rarely happens). They no longer get to see my children and have no relationship with my youngest two kids. I used to be very close to my mom but she ruined that in the last couple years. Many other family members I don't talk to at all, even if I run into them.


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## Colombianog30 (Jul 22, 2017)

bobert said:


> Why can't you cut your family out?
> 
> My family absolutely hates my wife, were horrible to her, and couldn't act like adults. Guess who I no longer talk to or see?
> 
> ...


Well it is scary to cut out family but I have brought this to my self. Even after talking to my family and trying to fix things, idk if my wife will forgive me or trust me again


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Colombianog30 said:


> I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. *Idk what to do now.*


Start by reading what you typed out above, and then get to work on fixing all of it.

Derp.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Colombianog30 said:


> I ****ed up big bc now* I am just confused* and obviously because I care and love my family I don’t want to cut them Completely from my life but I have to put my spouse first. So you don’t talk to your family at all?


Ugh


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

You can keep saying that "I f***ed up" without saying what it is that you did.It doesn't matter to us. but it matters to your wife. 

I don't get why you are "just confused". It sounds like you are really not raised properly to have your moral compass pointing in the right direction, or to know what even a moral compass is for that matter. Having the awareness that you messed up is a good start though, since we all need to start somewhere. It's just sad that it took so many years of your wife taking abuse from you for you to come to this realization. 

If you are in US, have you considered talking with an individual counselor to see what you can do to make your wife feel prioritized and valued? This might be a foreign concept for you, but the counselors are trained so that s/he should help you and guide you through this process.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

So you cheat on her, treat her like garbage and badmouth her to your family. I don’t believe you care about her at all, because if you did, you would leave her alone to try to enjoy what is left of her life after all the damage you have done. You’re using her and wasting her life. If you have any honor at all, you will leave her.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Colombianog30 said:


> right now my options are to make her First and work on our marriage without my family or just let her go


You’re a serial cheater. You’re never going to change, so do the honorable thing and stop hurting her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spouse should be number one, come before everyone - including children, and certainly before parents. How could you allow your wife to be treated that way OP?

Choose wisely, and remember, you're darn lucky she's even giving you a choice.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Colombianog30 said:


> I am typing this as Hang up phone with wife. We’ve been together for 10 years and I have not been the best husband. I have not put my wife first with my family and now it is to the point where she doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I’ve had plenty of chances to fix things but being immature and dumb, I have not come forward to them everything that I have done to her, from cheating to fighting all the time and not putting first. She is upset that I have allowed them to not treat her like my wife and now she is telling me it’s either them or her. Idk what to do now.


You don’t know what to do? Really? Cmon


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