# emotionally unavailable dad - help



## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

Needing some advice. My GF and I have been together going on 7 years in June. We also have a 3 yr old daughter. My GF has cheated on me twice. The second time was about a month ago which I have forgiven her for. We get into an argument last Friday and she mentioned that she could be independent and didn’t need me, my mind goes blank and I packed her stuff and took her house key. The next day we talk and she is asking for space. Never have I put this much effort in saving our relationship. I have been searching and reading anything and everything on how to save the family I once had. We still talk and text each other because of our daughter. For the past 3 yrs I have been solely focused on my daughter and neglected my GF's needs and as well as our needs. On Sunday she come to get some more of here belongings, we talked but I couldn’t get to her, so tell her to give us one last bang without the emotions an to get the F out of my house. After the bang she lays in bed so I ask her if she left her feelings out, she couldn’t answer me, she then says could not do it, she put her emotions and feelings into the whole thing. Yesterday I cook diner for our daughter and invite my GF to join us, I give the house key back to her and tell she still has a home here. I just don’t get it, she wants space, puts her emotions back into the love we made, accepts the key to our house. In 7 years I have not cheated on her or have yet to break a promise to her and she knows that. I also promised her that if and when she comes back I would never lose sight of her needs and to also communicate more with her. I also promised her that in 5 or 10 years later we would look back at this and realized that this is what made us stronger than ever. I know it has only been 4 days but I can even be around my 3 yr old daughter with out crying like a 13 yr old little girl. I just want her to understand that I want to be the best BF/Husband figure for her. I just want what is best for us and our daughter.


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## Jacked (May 21, 2012)

Wow. My hard opinion is: "If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it." As far as I can see, you messed up by not requiring her to be committed before having kids, or even at all if you didn't expect her to cheat when you began ignoring her or your relationship. (I know that's no guarantee, but sometimes a commitment holds its own weight.) Although its good that you were a good dad the last three years, there is no better dad than the one who loves her mother and puts HER first. Because that little baby suddenly has a broken home. How is that being good to her? Your GF is not a baby machine for you, and whether you like it or not, she is not obligated to you because of it. That means the baby is hers. Cheater or not. And let's be honest, if she's capable of cheating once, she is capable of cheating repeatedly. 

My soft opinion: However... She should have never cheated. she was wrong in retaliating in such a hurtful way. She was being a coward in not telling you how she felt instead of ruining your relationship. Some women who feel neglected just lash out that way, in a self destructive (and they know it) way that hurts all those around them. She must be a child herself. If you want her to be reasonable and get back with you, then just having sex isn't going to do it. That is one messed up game to play. You have to build her trust again and she has to build yours––without sex, unless you want a baby brother or sister to join a family that legally you have no right to.

If you want to stay together, you need to have a bond on a foundational level, I recommend you both work for each other's happiness, helping each other be the best parents and individuals possible, and both be striving for something that is bigger than both of you as a common goal.

Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone hurts someone. Everyone deserves respect. Good luck.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

I have been looking up to legally obtain my Fathers Rights through the courts. Before my GF and I started dating she knew of my intentions of never getting married in which she agreed marriage was over-rated. And she respected my view and beliefs on why I was not gonna marry. 

When we began dating I told her I did not want a fling and that I was 100% committed, and no way was I going to ruin what we have by straying off with other women. In 7 years I have not cheated and if things work out for the best, I still would not do that to her. I have always wanted to make every day a field day for her.

About a year into our relationship she starts talking about marriage. So I remind her of the conversations we had as friends and she dropped the issue. Maybe six months later she brings up marriage again. I did not want to dismiss the issue at hand again, after a long discussion we came to an agreement. If she really wanted to get married and spend the rest of her life with me then on our 10 years anniversary we would get married. This was an accomplishment that we were both looking forward to. Well at least up until now. Some may think this is dumb and un-realistic but I feel if we had gotten married early on we would have not made it this far. Just my opinion. Being that we started everything in reverse order maybe we have a happy beginning ahead of us. But… I am starting to just give up all hope, I fought hard and I just have no more fight left in me…


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry for your pain.

I wouldn't have given her the key back. When she asked for space you should have told her she could have all the space she needs because you are threw w/ her cheating ways. 

You need boundaries. Cause you have none.

Please get tested for STDs. One person alone can't save a relationship or restore it. It's clear from her actions she uses you while she does whatever she wants. Your feelings do not matter to her. 

You need to work on your self-esteem and realize you deserve so much better than what you are receiving. Tell her you have thought about things & realize you dont want to be in a relationship where the other person keeps cheating, that you deserve better, that you both know it. Tell her you are done w/ this dynamic.

You probably will not do that though. But for your own sake, it's best.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

"so tell her to give us one last bang without the emotions an to get the F out of my house. After the bang she lays in bed so I ask her if she left her feelings out"

Seriously? One last bang?

Sorry, I couldn't get much past this sentence. I think you should rethink quite a few things.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Please get tested for STDs.


Jellybean, I made her get tested, she set up and appointment and went through with it. test came back Negative. 




lamaga said:


> Sorry, I couldn't get much past this sentence. I think you should rethink quite a few things.


I am open to any advice. what exactly should i be rethinking

you guys are brutal here. friends and fam would have never talked to me like this. 
all they ever say "it'll work out" or "she'll be back" and all the usual stuff.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Give her the space she seeks.

Take your key back and go dark on her.

Unless it has to do with your daughter, don`t call her, text her, message her, e-mail her.
Don`t answer any calls, texts, messages, or e-mails.

Don`t be available for her when she needs you .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

xbdad said:


> Jellybean, I made her get tested, she set up and appointment and went through with it. test came back Negative.


You need to get tested for STDs no matter what. STAT.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She brought up the issue of marriage....TWICE and you told her to wait 10 years. Just because she appeared to drop the issue doesn't mean she did. She has since emotionally (and physically) moved away from you and is asking for 'space'.

So give it to her. If it's meant to be she will be back and you will listen to her otherwise she will likely find someone who is willing to commit to her legally.

Now do I think you should marry her NOW after she's cheated? No but I do think you need to rethink what committment means.

Oh and btw if you think waiting 10 years spares you from relationship problems you are sadly mistaken.


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## xbdad (May 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> You need to get tested for STDs no matter what. STAT.


I was the first one to get tested. I went to a walk in clinic the same morning I got the bad news. She went a few days later. 



Mavash. said:


> Oh and btw if you think waiting 10 years spares you from relationship problems you are sadly mistaken.


I know waiting 10 yrs was not going to save me/us from relationship problems. 

We have the same circle of friends most are married, the majority have been together for a few years and right after marriage give or take 6 months – 2 yrs most have divorced, we both didn’t want to end up like that. The 10 yr plan was something we both agreed upon. 

As of Friday I have been losing my mind with this going dark/180 stuff. I hate keeping our kiddo away from her but I’ve been ignoring her text of wanting to come over to visit the both of us. (As she said it’s my weekend to have her). The most I’ve done was sent a pic of our kiddo and told her we’re doing fine. 

Friday night I had the chance to hook up with an old high school friend, I didn’t go through with it. In the back of my mind it felt like I was cheating or I was doing something wrong. Should I continue to be faithful while going dark? I’m just about feed up with this “space” and ready to just give it all up and give her all the space she needs!!! 

I have been searching about the 180 and what exactly it is but I can seem to find it on the search button.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

If you want to reconcile with her and have a worthwhile relationship, then I'd suggest staying faithful to her. If you don't want to be with her anymore, don't string her along with pretend reconcile, that's unfair (she did you wrong, but there is no need to lower yourself to that). That's the only advice I really have. Good Luck.


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