# Marriage Couseling- worked or not worked



## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I have been going to marriage counseling for about 1 1/2 now. I was just wondering from ppl out there...Has it worked or not worked for you?


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## rfAlaska (Jul 28, 2011)

I've been going to marriage counseling for a little over three years. The counselor is ridiculously busy and once a month is about what happens.

Each time an appointment comes up, my wife reflects on whether or not she's coming. If she has another priority (like watching someone else's kids, exercising or sleeping in), I go alone. If she's available, she comes in and lays into me for an hour.

For some reason, I keep going back because it has helped me personally. If at some point I choose to walk away, I'm confident that I did what I could do to make it work. I can only control myself.

Your real question is likely along the lines of is it worth the time, money and effort. I think it is, you'll get something out of it.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I am curious as to the responses here as well. Anything I can do (like reading feedback on TAM) that will help me be a better counselor to the couples I work with is a good thing for me.

From my perspective, not EVERYONE benefits from marriage counseling. I have noticed though, that when both spouses are willing to make their marriage a priority in counseling and throughout their life, counseling is usually extremely helpful.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"I have noticed though, that when both spouses are willing to make their marriage a priority in counseling and throughout their life, counseling is usually extremely helpful."

This is the key. Counseling did not help us until my wife started to try. Since then, we have seen some very good things. 11 months in and we are well on the way to healing. Humility from both parties is key.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Counseling worked extremely well for me, but I believe that was because the counselor was a great fit. When my ex bailed out because our counselor said we would have to address ex's drinking problem, I hung in and remained in counseling. I stopped focusing on the marriage and focused on my own issues.

Yes, marriage counseling does work when both parties are committed to making it work. On the other hand, if only one party is doing the work, it can still be successful ... for that particular party. JMO.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

I have gotten a TON out of IC and MC. My wife hates MC and thinks it is useless.

I have always been the introspective one. My wife is does not like to look inside herself. I'm sure there is a correlation there.


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## TheMizz...erable (Aug 14, 2011)

I say cudos for anyone who at least gives it a try. I mentioned it to my wife as something we could try and after saying she'd think about it, she said no. She left me last week. To me, I thought we should try it before just ending the marriage. She didn't even give it a chance.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Thank you all for your comments.


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## NormalPlease (Nov 14, 2011)

I agree with the above comment that it only works if the counselor is a fit and both parties are willing to work at it. I was the one that was hesistant at my husband's request we go to marriage counseling since I felt he needed individual counseling before I consider going. I obliged and was mortified at the counselors request. I was to shut my trap (nicer words though) about EVERYTHING for an entire week so husband can calm down and do his task for the week, which was schedule an individual counseling session with an addiction counselor of his choice. Week 1 passes, I did suprisingly well and husband was calm...but didn't do his weekly task. His weekly task dragged on for 2 weeks more, then when it was clear his task wouldn't be forgotten he got angry and ended counseling. If he would've been willing to push forward, I think it would've worked...I was doing good at learning how to choose better ways to communicate---which I ended up needing!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I believe some MC's are helpful in extreme cases...but in reality it just takes one person DOING THE RIGHT THING no matter what. Be that person!

There is PLENTY of information out there if you take the time to research. Learn all about your spouses needs in your downtime.

I think MC is trying to pay for a quick fix (A magic pill for today's need it now mentality).... THERE IS NO QUICK FIX! The MC has to play both sides of the field and it costs MONEY. Money better spent on improving yourself! Be your own advocate.

Think about it... it's between you and your spouse. Why involve a third party? Take ownership, look in the mirror, start doing consistently for long periods of time.

Get yourself to the point you are OK with or without them armed with the knowledge that you know the other sex inside and out. They will appreciate your resolve over time and will come back to you. Become a better YOU.

It's simple. It's hell. It works.
This is not rocket science... it does require shelving your needs for long periods while you wait for your spouse to reciprocate. Don't give up. Be consistent, be happy and upbeat always. (around them).

Most of your spouses undesirable behaviors are because THEIR NEEDS AREN'T BEING MET... be the one to meet those needs. The undesirable behaviors vanish.

This forum is every it as good as an IC session. It's free. It's mostly real.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

We are no longer going b/c i wanted to stop. I mainly wanted to go to get my husband help. To see if would help him. He is verbally abusive and npd. He doesn't see that he has a problem. I told him I thought about going by myself and I asked if he was going to go. He told me that I needed to go and he was not going to go. Maybe if we go through with divorce then I may go to get me through it.


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