# Separated and Unsure About Our Future



## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

Hello! I have been reading over some posts looking for some kind of insight to my problem, but in the end, it looks like the best thing is to post my situation and maybe someone else can relate.

*Basic situation:*

We were together for over 8 years and married for about 3 of those. We split up briefly during that time, and we got back together without really working any problems out. 

After about 4 years, she got pregnant. After looking at our relationship, I thought marriage was the next best step. It wasn't just because she was pregnant. I thought about it for a while, and we talked about it together. We agreed that we had what was necessary for a life long relationship. We have the same views on life, religion, politics, children, etc. On paper, we were a perfect match. 

Fast forward 4 years and we have one 3 year old and a 2 year old, but our relationship is falling apart fast. I basically had a mental breakdown due to some bad medication that caused apathy and depression, which took a major toll on my job and my marriage. I didn't realize it was the medication until a while later. When I hit rock bottom, things were bad, and I felt the only solution was for me to move out, because I shouldn't be around the kids until I got better.

I moved out, and we both had rebound relationships of sorts. Mine ended after about 3 months, and hers is just ending now. We have been separated for a total of 7 months.

After about 5 months, I thought I was over her and moved on, but she started trying to reconnect with me while she was in her other relationship. I thought I was over her, but feelings started to come back as we started having intimate conversations about her current situation and how she felt about me.

At 7 months, she is getting over her other guy, and we are trying to find out where "we" stand or if there should ever be a "we" again. The real problem in our relationship comes down to one thing: we never were in love with each other. We cared and loved each other deeply, but we were not in love in the way that motivates you to work on yourselves and your relationship.

I know it probably seems crazy to think that after being together over 8 years, we could fall in love at this point, but I still can't help but think we never had the right chance. She has had problems with her hormones that can make her get very emotional and pick fights. That has mostly been reconciled by avoiding things that effect her hormone levels. She also has a bit of a temper, but she has been working on that. At this point, I think love will be a possibility once we both have healed from our past pains we have caused to each other. We both still love each other, and we enjoy spending time together, but we're also both very skeptical about any potential romantic future.

She is still getting over her guy after me so she is confused about her feelings. She thinks she should go date some guys, which I read as go sleep with some guys (she's highly sexual). I'm already working on the pain of getting over this guy she just dated that lived in my house with her and my kids (long story), but I don't think I could think about her romantically again if she started seeing other guys.

Yeah, I have to admit part of the reason I'm thinking so hard about this is because of our kids. I hate what this is doing to them, and they lost their stay at home mom as a result of this. I wouldn't say it's the only reason. She is still my best friend, and I love her.

I guess what I'm getting at is whether I should just move on and never look back (I would have to take that approach to get over this) or should I deal with the tough times of her checking out life for a little while and see what happens. Not sure I could do that, but I would try for a while if it seemed like the best option. I can understand why she wants to test the waters per se. She has never been single in her life since she had her first relationship at 16/17. She has hopped from one to another until now, and she's 30. I think her being alone is a good experience, but I'm just not sure I can handle it if my feelings for her are still there. I have told her that if she can tell me that we have no chance together, I will move on, but she won't. She went as far as saying there is a 95/98% chance, we will never happen again, but she refuses to close the door. 

Any advice? Very very confused...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Uh...when a woman says there is a 95-98% chance you'll never happen again? That IS closing the door.

I'm sorry. I wish you well.


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## Married in VA (Jan 6, 2012)

Uh dude,
You have no relationship, it is over. Any time a woman says she's done, well she's done. Women tend to detach emotionally LONG before they actually end the relationship. Your W has been DONE for a long time. She had her taste of other men and she's not going back to you. Even if she did, as soon as another guy came along that she was interested in, there would be another affair and you would break up. Time to face the facts, she's just not that into you. She may be cake eating and stringing you along. Do you pay any of her bills or provide stuff for her without a court order? I would recommend you work on you and get yourself ready to move on to greener pastures. Your child will be okay knowing you and your STBXW love him. That is what the child needs, to know they are loved by BOTH parents, not necessarily to live with both of you. Best of luck.


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## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

To clarify, she didn't cheat on me while we were married and when we decided to end the relationship, it was amicable. She has grown a lot as a person, which is the only reason I'm considering still being with her. I know 95/98% sounds over, but she always comes back to me, which is why it's hard for me to believe. It definitely comes off like she's stringing me a long, but I really think she's just being honest about her feelings. That's the kind of relationship we had/have. She wasn't always honest in the beginning, but now she has matured so much going from 21-30, which a lot of people do. You guys are probably right, but this is such a huge decision, I want to be sure. Thanks for the replies.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

We wish you well. You are still not listening, but that's normal.


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## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

Is it really that cut and dry? I have never found matters of the heart to be that simple.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

It sounds like your relationship has been pretty tumultuous. I personally don't think things are that cut and dried, but I think what everyone else is trying to say is that you now have to act as though they are, for the sake of your own sanity. Otherwise, you'll be hanging on to that 2-5% "chance" of getting back together. In fact, given that it sounds like you've had a rocky road, I'd wager the reason she told you that rather than "100%, its over" is that she likes the idea of you as the Backup Guy.


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## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

Yeah, I told her I feel like a plan B. No response when I said it, but no surprise there. She is still getting over and trying to decide if she wants the guy she just left. To me it's obviously a rebound, but it was the first guy she gave all of herself too (abandonment issues). She did that because things were so bad with us. As a reminder, we are only reconsidering each other because we found out my apathy and depression were mostly due to a prescription. I have since gotten much better.

Thanks for the advice guys. I'm ready to move on with my life as I have already, but I just want to be sure. I guess there is no 100% in situations like this, but I want as close as possible.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

What was her childhood like?

She an abuse victim?


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## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

She was separated from her parents when she was young at times to live with her grandparents. She was unplanned and the parents were in college.

She was verbally abused by her father about her weight and looks, but no physical abuse that I'm aware of.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Integrity101 said:


> She was separated from her parents when she was young at times to live with her grandparents. She was unplanned and the parents were in college.
> 
> She was verbally abused by her father about her weight and looks, but no physical abuse that I'm aware of.


I'm willing to wager she doesn't readily apologize or take responsibility for her actions.

Would you say that's true?

The blameshifting likely goes to the point where he expects you to apologize for things she's done.


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## Integrity101 (Jun 1, 2012)

That's a little eerie. Yeah, I don't think she ever said she was sorry for the first few years in our relationship. She got better in the last few, but it was definitely a work in progress. It did feel like she made most things appear that they were my fault. To her credit, she has improved some there as well.

She definitely looks for a cop out before deciding to take responsibility for things, and I'm the opposite. I don't take the blame for everything, but definitely the things I know I do.

I saw another thread on here called the "nice" or "good" guy. Well, that's me. I tend to attract needy women. Emotionally, she was high maintenance. She called me her "rock."

My conditions for taking her back were that she work through these issues, but it doesn't appear I'm worth the effort. I have essentially made my decision, but I'm having trouble thinking how to word the goodbye type email. Overall, she's matured into a pretty decent person despite the work that still needs to be done. So, I don't want to be mean or cold, but I want her to know why I'm done. She will not want to give me up as her friend, but it has to be that way for me to move on.

I really think she will regret this later. She has a grass is always greener type mentality, but it always turns out to be false. It would be so much easier for me if she was mean or cold, but she hasn't been. In fact, she has probably been more supportive during our separation than she was during our marriage (emotionally). Hence, the reconsideration.


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