# so confused



## canadianal (Feb 18, 2013)

Hey everyone I am so confused in my life and am hoping anyone can shed some light on my situation. I wasa told 2 weeks ago my wife wants a separation from me. She says its cause in our 17 year relationship 13 married and 2 kids 6 and 8 that shehas never felt passion with me. She said it has been work to get her mind able to have sex with me for years and about 2 months ago she shut down sexually on me totally. I dont understand how someone could marry someone and have kids with them feeling this way. she said she has been trying to get rid of the feelings for years but it only got worse over the years and now she wants a separation. She says that she would love to stay married to me as we love each other and are a great team and parents to our kids she just doesnt want to have sex with me any more. she says the last few times we did it she resents it. I years ago when we were dating cheated on her when I was 18 and then in the first year of marriage I fooled around no sex with her best friend. Her best friend got me so drunk and I stopped it before it went to far and I fessed up right away as I still feel remorse for what I did. We have stopped sleeping together and in the same bed. I am trying to give her space to see if her feelings can change. We have got a appointment with a marriage councillorfor mar 8th which is 2 1/2 weeks away and its killing me not knowing if it can be repaired. I feel so down and depressed that the woman I have devoted my life to all these years has felt this way and never told me or done anything to fix it. I am wondering if the problem is me or if there is something wrong with her. I am hoping that councilling can save this marriage but am being realistic. I have never really been a believer in councilling but I am willing to try everything to try and fix our marriage. I know these next 2 weeks aregonna be hell till we get in to see the councillor. She has said when we do both agree on separation she would like me to still live at home for as long as possible so there is no financial burden on either of us. How do I walk in my house knowing she wants to possibly have sex with other men and see her every day. I regret hurting her when we were younger and Id love to chalk it up to being young and dumb but I made those choices then and I have manned up and told her how sorry I am. I feel like that is the root of the problem of her not wanting me sexually. I guess im just looking for a little advice on what she is going through from a womans perspective and maybe a guys perspective if they have gone through this kind of thing. Any help is greatly appreciated.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Are you sure she isn't having an affair? Since your wife is "rewriting" history and you are getting the ole "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" line, I see possible red flags.


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## ChknNoodleSoup (Oct 20, 2012)

Oh my God, she should marry my soon to be ex. That's how he is rewriting us too. I'm sorry but maybe she is having an EA or a PA even.


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## canadianal (Feb 18, 2013)

honestly I dont think there is any chance she is having an affair. She has been talking with all her closest friends and me we are actually being very good to each other through this and that has never come out. I think I know her well enough to know she isnt. I have questioned this and her and I believer her answer of no is honest and truthful. she says she is scared to move on and have sex with other men cause she is affraid of disease and possibl being harmed oh and she is self proclaimed a picky woman.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Most likely she is in love with another man. This runs the gamut all the way from he may not even know it, to the full blown sexual affair.

What you have to do is not take a crappy deal just to keep the status quo. If you wife wants out, your best bet is to tell her you are not keeping her prisoner, and that if she does not have passion for you she should leave today.

You have to wake her up from her fantasy by playing hard ball... i.e. forcing her to act on her desire to not have a marraige with you.

Don't scramble and bend over backwards trying to fix it. This will only feed her thought process of you being wrong and her being right.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Unfortunately she's in the process of checking out of the marriage. If it was just a matter of something you're doing or not doing she would be prepared to work with you on it. 

I agree with Hicks on this. You can't make someone love you. When they announce they don't the best thing you can do is start making sure you take care of yourself and any children that are involved. Sometimes seeing you be strong will attract them once again...more often though it's too late. Either way you need to start protecting yourself financially and emotionally.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

canadianal said:


> She says its cause in our 17 year relationship 13 married and 2 kids 6 and 8 that shehas never felt passion with me. She said it has been work to get her mind able to have sex with me for years and about 2 months ago she shut down sexually on me totally. I dont understand how someone could marry someone and have kids with them feeling this way.


There are two possibilities. First, your wife never loved you and felt passion for you. If she's telling the truth about never having loved you, romantically, then she's a psychopath who can't be trusted. Second, your wife used to love you and feel passion for you, but she's recently lost those feelings and she's trying to rewrite history to make herself the victim instead of the bad guy.

See, if you've been a good husband and father for 13 years, but she wants to blow up your family because she's bored, or because she's screwing the neighbor, then she's a bad wife and a bad mother. But if she's been holding her nose for 17 years and just going through the motions by putting your happiness and your children's happiness above her own, well then, she's a hero. Now, who wouldn't want to be a hero rather than a bad spouse and parent?



canadianal said:


> She says that she would love to stay married to me as we love each other and are a great team and parents to our kids she just doesnt want to have sex with me any more.


In other words, she would love to keep your paycheck and your obligations to the marriage. She just doesn't want to uphold any of her obligations to the marriage. That sounds like a sweet deal for her.

If I thought my wife would buy it, I would try the same thing. I could tell her that I would love to stay married to her because we're good parents and I enjoy having sex with her. But I also want to date college cheerleaders on the side. Yeah, that would be the perfect marriage for me. The problem, assuming I can find a supply of cheerleaders who are game, is that my wife won't go for it. Either I meet my obligations, or she stops meeting hers. That's the way marriage works. It's supposed to be a two-way street.



canadianal said:


> I years ago when we were dating cheated on her when I was 18 and then in the first year of marriage I fooled around no sex with her best friend.


You're just grasping at straws. You cheated on her while you were dating, and then she continued to date you for a few more years before marrying you. Then you kissed her friend, but stopped short of sex, and she remained married to you for 12 more years before telling you that it was a problem? I doubt it. Those actions are in the past and they should stay there. If your wife is continuing to harbor resentments against you for things you did when you were a teenager, then perhaps she really is a psychopath.



canadianal said:


> I am trying to give her space to see if her feelings can change.


They won't. You're giving her what she wants. Why do you think that will make her change the course of action she has decided upon?



canadianal said:


> We have got a appointment with a marriage councillorfor mar 8th which is 2 1/2 weeks away and its killing me not knowing if it can be repaired.


You don't have 2.5 weeks to sit on this. You need to take action right now. Your house is burning down and you're sitting on your hands hoping the flames will get tired of burning before there's nothing left.



canadianal said:


> She has said when we do both agree on separation she would like me to still live at home for as long as possible so there is no financial burden on either of us.


She's going to let you live in your own home? That's mighty nice of her!



canadianal said:


> Any help is greatly appreciated.


You need to get proactive. First, rule out an affair. Because this is classic behavior for a disloyal wife. I know you've said that you know her and that she isn't the kind of person to cheat. But you're wrong. You spent the last 17 years believing that she loved you. Now, she's telling you that she never did. So she either lied to you every time she had sex with you over the last 17 years, or she's lying about never loving you. Either way, she's a liar. So get that through your head.

Check her phone records to see if she's calling/texting one number excessively, or at suspicious times. Check her email/Facebook accounts for suspicious activity. Check your credit cards for suspicious activity. I'm betting you'll find something.

Also, start to run a 180 on her. That means changing your behaviors 180 degrees from what you have been doing to push her away.

Basically, she has this fantasy where you're going to keep raising your kids together, live in the same house together, share income, and just date other people. She probably thinks you can be her emotional tampon so, when some insensitive cad mistakes her green light to 2nd base as the green light to 3rd, she can come home and cry on your shoulder and you can reassure her that most men are jerks, but there's some Prince Charming out there who will serve her even more faithfully than you have. Except she'll be attracted to him.

You need to snap her out of that fog. Divorce/separation doesn't look like that. It's ugly. If she's a stay at home mom, she will have to get a job. You will have to sell your house and both of you get smaller homes, or apartments. She will have to start doing all of the things that you currently do for her. Your kids will see their grades slip. They will be at increased risk for teen pregnancy, dropping out, fights, drug and alcohol abuse, incarceration, and more.

So start giving her a sneak peek of her future life. Stop serving her. Separate your finances. Stop talking to her except for practical things concerning the children, such as who is picking up the kids at what time, etc. The 180 will help you emotionally distance yourself from your wife and prepare yourself for divorce. At the same time, it can often snap delusional spouses such as your wife out of their fog and make them realize that they need to recommit to the marriage.

The Healing Heart: The 180

Also, I recommend visiting Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for good information on what married women want in a marriage. Even if it's too late to save your marriage, you can be in better shape for you next relationship(s).

Good luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The chance that there is another man is huge here. Don't just dismiss it, you need to investigate and watch and see for sure there isn't someone because her actions are exactly those of a woman who is moving her husband out so another can come in.

Don't discount that it could be a woman. It does happen.

Do not just go accusing her. Get real hard evidence and make sure of your facts. 

She's not cutting you off because she hates you. She's cutting you off because she is saving herself for someone else.

Try a VAR , voice activated recorder, in her car. Under the seat attached with Velcro.

Have a look at the cell bill, who's she texting, what times of the day?

Does she work? Stay at home? Girls nights out? Girls only vacations?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also grab a copy of Married Mans Sex Life by Athol. Read it ASAP.


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## canadianal (Feb 18, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> There are two possibilities. First, your wife never loved you and felt passion for you. If she's telling the truth about never having loved you, romantically, then she's a psychopath who can't be trusted. Second, your wife used to love you and feel passion for you, but she's recently lost those feelings and she's trying to rewrite history to make herself the victim instead of the bad guy.
> 
> See, if you've been a good husband and father for 13 years, but she wants to blow up your family because she's bored, or because she's screwing the neighbor, then she's a bad wife and a bad mother. But if she's been holding her nose for 17 years and just going through the motions by putting your happiness and your children's happiness above her own, well then, she's a hero. Now, who wouldn't want to be a hero rather than a bad spouse and parent?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PHTlump nailed it.

Read that post many times until it sinks in.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

She is definitely checking out for some reason. Most likely another guy.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I'm in a similar situation where I am trying to find passion for my husband. I can't say that I know exactly how your wife feels, as every situation is different. I do know that I find myself questioning wether I ever had passion for him. It's hard to remember things how they were when your heart feels something different years and years later. I do have love for him and that is why I don't want to leave him and break up our family and I believe your wife feels the same however it is a platonic love.
At some point, she had a realization that there are feelings she wants to have for her husband that she doesn't have for you. This may be because of an affair or something else. 
I am currently in counseling with my husband, trying to work through these feelings. It's not easy and we are meeting with our third therapist next week. 
Wether there is something you can do to bring out those passionate feelings in her is hard to say not knowing much about you and your relationship. Do you make her feel sexy? Do you "date" each other? Do you make her feel more than a mom and a wife in the bedroom? Have you made her pleasure a priority in the bedroom, trying different things, learning to improve your performance? Have you let yourself go? Are you too much of a doormat? 
I do hope you and your wife are patient and take some time to work this out. Hopefully you can get an earlier appointment with the therapist.


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## CAN52 (Sep 8, 2012)

canadianal,

You have no time to wait. Do you want her? Really want her? If you do then take the steps necessary to win her and then having done all you can do to win her heart give her the room to agonize over the man she would be stupid to leave if she does not choose you. 

1. Sleep in the same bed.
2. Bring her flowers, send her cards, email her love notes.
3. Tell her that love and intimacy is the response of a willing heart and not the leader of random feelings. 
4. Do for her what love demands: hold your tongue, tell her you are sorry, wash her car, pick up your clothes, put the kids to bed, make meals, etc.
5. Buy books on loving and romancing her. Focus on this issue being your problem and commit to her your pledge to become the husband and lover she needs.
6. Most of all mean what you do.

or you can plan on seeing the kids on the weekend. - your choice.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

CAN52 said:


> canadianal,
> 
> You have no time to wait. Do you want her? Really want her? If you do then take the steps necessary to win her and then having done all you can do to win her heart give her the room to agonize over the man she would be stupid to leave if she does not choose you.
> 
> ...


PLEASE do not do this (except for the sleeping in the same bed part). You cannot win your wife back by being nice. You need to take a stand for your marriage, not become a doormat. ESPECIALLY if she is cheating. What the heck do you have to apologize for??

The first thing you need to know is if she's cheating on you. Many BS's never know what hit them, me included. If anyone had told me what my husband was up to I would have laughed in their face, right up to the day I found what I found. The best way is to start snooping. There's a lot of info on that in the CWI forum - have a look.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

OP,
If you read Kermitty's post, you will get a good idea of what is going on in your wife's head.

Some women don't realize that they need to keep their mind in their marriage.

What do I mean? Every man or woman in a long term marriage can entertain thoughts of lack of passion. Becuase life is stressful, kids are annoying, and money is not abundant.... So this is where there mind goes: My husband turns me off.

I could easily sit and think about how my wife is 20 years older, this is wrinked, that is sagging, and there are young replacements out there for the taking. I don't let my mind go there. I think about all the greatness that we together can and are accomplishing. I think about her from a perspective of admiration.... And that drives passion.

But this is what you are dealing with. A person who does not accept that in long term marriages people, situations, and feelings change and mature... And that each of us must manage our own minds to consously decide to CHERISH what whe do have, recongize that in a long ter marraige, feelings of passion wane etc.

And you can see from her post that you are about to enter an unresolvable rabbit hole... 3 therapists and she just can't get her feelings back... Well if a wife spends 5, 10 or 20 years purposely focusing on "what isn't" instead of "what is", then she may never be able to change her mindset.

This is why you must listen to PHTrump...If your wife does not have passion for you, let her deal with that, while you get to go find someone who does. Bubble bursts, passion is found.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> ...You don't have 2.5 weeks to sit on this. You need to take action right now. Your house is burning down and you're sitting on your hands hoping the flames will get tired of burning before there's nothing left.


:iagree:



PHTlump said:


> ...She's going to let you live in your own home? That's mighty nice of her!


:lol: Funny, in an unfunny situation.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

Geez Hicks, you could have said what you had to say without criticizing me and making assumptions about my situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> PLEASE do not do this (except for the sleeping in the same bed part). You cannot win your wife back by being nice. You need to take a stand for your marriage, not become a doormat. ESPECIALLY if she is cheating. What the heck do you have to apologize for??
> 
> The first thing you need to know is if she's cheating on you. Many BS's never know what hit them, me included. If anyone had told me what my husband was up to I would have laughed in their face, right up to the day I found what I found. The best way is to start snooping. There's a lot of info on that in the CWI forum - have a look.


Read NMMNG or MMSL and get back into bed.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> Geez Hicks, you could have said what you had to say without criticizing me and making assumptions about my situation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry..

But I am confident that my post applies to you as well.

If it doesn't, what's the harm of you thinking about my points? None I imagine.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Hello forum, first post here. 

Everyone is telling "canadianal" that his wife must be seeing some other man, but he says that she has only been talking to her friends (female I assume) and he is certain she would never do that. 

It hasn't crossed anyone's mind that she is having an affair with a woman instead? If she has turned lesbian, it would greatly help explain why she has seemingly lost passion for her husband when everything else seems fine. It's worth consideration.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OP,

Your wife may be what folks refer to here as a Walk Away Wife. She may have truly lost passion for you and it's that simple......

HOWEVER, in the majority of cases like this presented here (at least 90%) there is either a currently active affair or one that is being contemplated.

Look, since your wife already has told you that she wants nothing to do with you, what's the harm in snooping? You could at least put your mind to rest one way or the other. 

Oh and the advice to bring her flowers and do all nicey nice....don't do that. It amazes me that some feel that the best way to deal with sh!iity behavior from a spouse is to reward it


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Call her bluff, tell her you would rather file for divorce, and then disappear for a few days....She will either take the opportunity to leave, or rethink her attitude and want to R....Either way you will save a lot of time....My money is on toxic friends having "what a pric_k I married phone sessions....


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Look, since your wife already has told you that she wants nothing to do with you, what's the harm in snooping? You could at least put your mind to rest one way or the other.


I'm not sure you really can put your mind to rest. If you don't find anything that doesn't necessarily mean something is not going on. 

I'm of the opinion that if your gut is telling you you need to snoop then it's over either way. Either something is going on or it's not and you're incapable of trusting. Both knaw at your gut just the same.


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