# I'm suffocating



## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

Hi, I am new.. and it's almost midnight so I'll write what I can.

I have just spent 10 minutes crying in the bathroom, alone.. I wish I could die from depression.

I have been diagnosed with BPD. My husband is.. boring, I don't see any sparks anymore. We've been married for 5 years. And every day it's getting up in the morning, go to work, back home, eat whatever in front of and watch tv, and go to sleep. 

And to top it off, my mother-in-law and my brother-in-law live with us. 

I used to have a better life. Better in sense I lived in the moment and happy with my life. I lived in a condo (rent) and work part-time. Before that, I had it worse. I moved to a new country, but then my husband worked out of town. He would come home twice a month. I had no drivers license and public transportation was scarce. I had no friends either. I was isolated.

Husband decided to buy a house. All under his name and with his money since I had 0 dollars.

A year or so after, he got fired. But the house was already bought. 

He got another job, lower salary and started working in town, and I got a part-time job since he was able to drive me. This was the happy life. Until I had to move to the new house, I had to leave the job that I liked to the job that I hated. I tried to commit suicide by drinking a lot, hopefully I'd get alcohol poisoning, didn't work. 

I needed a job because husband asked me to contribute to the house.

Few months later, I got a better job. Then I started Hep C treatment and because of my boring life and chemical imbalance, I went back into depression. Attempted suicide twice, got admitted in psychiatry unit and lost my job. 

It was hard for both of us but husband did not show any emotional distress that made me think he did not care. I know he does.

I tried to get another job but nothing that I liked. And with depression, it was difficult to get up every morning and go to work. It was a fight. I got fired, looked for another job and got fired again.

By then, my husband had been talking about how his mom paid so much rent and his brother (a 25+ year old who does nothing and depends on her, basically a spoilt brat, called his mom ***hole few times) did not help. I am pretty intuitive and my gut told me that he wanted his mom to live in the house and help pay mortgage. He also promised me that he would do more things with me since he would be able to save more money.

I finally said yes. But things do not get better. My life is still boring.

I get disgusted with my brother-in-law. He does not work, lives off his mom, does not clean.. My mother-in-law.. well, we're different but I respect her. 

Last year, my husband told me that he lost his high salary job because of me. Yes, I might have been nagging. I tried to get him a job where he wouldn't have to work so far away, my dad has good networks. He refused. But I felt isolated. Can you blame me?

I was a spoiled yet emotionally abused as a child. My parents provided materials for me, but my mom had her own problems and always took it on me (the yelling, shouting, bullying). 

I have a job now. Low income, physically demanding, no need for degree. I wish I could get a better job with a degree but I feel ok. My days are fine, but my nights and weekends when I get to be home, are my nightmares. 

I have not explained things very clearly, but I do hope you get the picture.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

I suppose I probably see things from the other side. Suicide usually doesn't help. It may help to try things one at a time.

For the BPD, try DBT - it is sometimes effective. If unaffordable, buy the book at least.

For the depression, try therapy/anti-depressants.

For the boredom, well, marriage is boring. If you have BPD, you may be a bit of a drama addict. You'll basically have to accept a tradeoff. On one end, you can avoid drama and stay married. On the other end, you can create tons of drama, end up divorced, and journey from R/S to R/S with plenty of drama. You could even seek out someone with emotional issues to get a better drama fix. Of course, you'll probably lose your stable life and eventually end up old,broke, and alone. In the short-term, as you're older now - you'll probably have to settle a bit, but it may be worth it to you.

For the brother-in-law, y'know, he should probably start working at some point. I don't know that this is something you can have much input on. If he's 25 years old and not disabled, it isn't healthy for him to sponge off of other people. That said, your husband probably lets him stay for the same reason he keeps a BPD wife around.

For your husband's job, while you probably did contribute to him losing that job, some portion of that failure was probably him too - so don't take all the blame. Honestly, I can blame you for meddling with your husband's career - even if you felt isolated. Still, isolation is a big deal and it may have been worth the risk. Next time though, it might be better to discuss things carefully and plan them out well in advance - if you acted impulsively last time. Also, bear in mind that BPD involves distorted perceptions, so, it may be best to take your husband's opinions on faith, as a rule.

If your husband is still with you - don't worry - he cares. He may be having trouble coping with your BPD/depression/health issues - which also may be relevant to his current career issues. Bear in mind that, if you cut the drama, he will have more time and emotional energy for you. That might take a few months, as he is probably running on his last legs most of the time.

For the R/S, it can help to schedule regular dates and time together. It can also help to take those nights and weekends and fill them with R/S with girlfriends and a life independent of your husband. One person can't substitute for the whole world.

--Argyle


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

There should be a lot of people out there besides your husbands to be friend with. There are a lot of clubs, you have neighbours etc. Boredom does not come from the outside but from yourself. What are your interests? What would your really like to do?
Even if I would not like to have my MIL in the house, you seem to get along. But each and every adult must provide. If he does not work than it is his job to fix everything, clean the house, tend your garden and even to grow the vegetables you eat. As you have issues yourself try to be prepared when you talk to other people you must stay calm and tell things in a fair way. Like "OK, I think we must discuss how we share the work here."
The financial situation seems a bit unclear to me. Is the house only in the name of your husband? As you contribute to the payments you should have this changed. But do things like this carefully. As your husband will still have anger that your somewhat spoiled his career - and that is the case, if you have a depressed wife at home.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

Iam actually seeing psychiatrists. They categorize me as high-functioning BPD. I was offered a therapy but I had to refuse since the schedule doesn’t fit with my work.

I enjoy my work so much but I am thinking of quitting in a few months and go with the therapy. There are still days when I can’t cope. When I told my husband this idea, his response was, “what’s wrong now?”

I don’t do drama. All the suicide attempts, nobody knew, I told my husband after. My husband does not think I am depressed. I hide all my emotions, only express the sadness, frustration, anger, when nobody’s around. 

But there are times when I give my husband the cold shoulder. And then he would show that he cares. Other times, I would feel neglected. We don’t spend quality time. He can’t sit next to me without the tv or the cellphone or the tablet or the computer on. He eats with the tv on and not look at me. He doesn’t like sitting in a restaurant. He would go buy food and do takeaways, and either eat at home (in front of tv, and leave all the mess up to me to clean) or eat it while driving. 

When he was working out of town, he would only call me once a day, that was at bed time to say good night. I could survive if he had showed more care. But he didn't. I guess this is what drove me to try to find him a new job. 

I am bored with my relationship, not with my life. I’ve got plenty of things to do, I dance twice a week and go out whenever I am not tired. 

I feel like I don’t have a husband, but a roommate with sex.

As for my brother in law, I think my husband and MIL are scared of him. Even little things like putting microwave cover, my husband can’t tell him. My husband once said, “You don’t know with this guy, you don’t know what he’s thinking of, what if he (he made a gesture of shooting his head)”. I said, “I did it once and I am not scared of doing it again”

Someone said that MIL is afraid that the little brother would leave so she keeps him like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Too bad you have to live with inlaws! Hopefully this isn't forever. 
Do you exercise? It will help you sleep and improve your moods a lot. 
Can you afford to quit your job and go to therapy? Personally I find work IS therapy. Staying at home only leads to more depression. Hopefully you can find a therapist that has the hours that match up to your work hours. 

Always remember that our brain chemicals fall to a low at night, and they rise up again in the mornings. Nights can be very hard.

Many men have trouble with showing feelings and emotions. It does not mean they don't care or love their wives. They show their love through working to support their family and through sex. 

All marriages reach a point where there the excitement is gone. You only feel the excitement in the early stages. After that a more mature love develops, one of unity and security. This is a normal development in all long term relationships, and you have to expect and accept it to be realistic.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

indiecat said:


> All marriages reach a point where there the excitement is gone.


Not all 

Anyways, yes, working is therapy for me, especially when I think about quitting, I'd be stuck with the brother in law. However, I have mental issues, some of them are pretty deep, 'caused by my abuse. And if I don't do it soon, I'm just gonna be more and more distant from my problems. I might get a part-time job later. 

Before I quit, I am going to have a talk with my psychiatrist.

Yes, I do exercise. I dance twice a week and it really makes me happy. I just wish I could do more things together with my husband.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...that sounds pretty lonely. Our MC told us that in a marriage with kids, we'd be lucky to have a few hours of 'us' time weekly with a realistic schedule. If you're below that amount of time, it might help to schedule dates every 1-2 weeks. If you're above that amount of time, it may be wise to adjust your expectations. It does help to eat dinner at a table without devices. There's nothing wrong with asking your husband for modest changes to his behavior that help you get your needs met - but it sounds like he has a lot on his shoulders right now. Consider working out a trade that is sensitive to his needs. (Eg., I know we're broke and you're busy...how about I arrange for cheap meals...which'll save you time and xx weekly and when I stay on budget, you'll arrange a date on Sat night.) Beyond weekly dates, and maybe 15 minutes of touching base nightly, a husband is a roommate with sex - I wouldn't expect much more.*

...truth is...having done the travel schedule...it is hard to call more than once a day. Still, it is hard having a spouse travel. Unfortunately, life involves tradeoffs. It won't be easy, but you might think about discussing, very calmly and rationally, what both of you would like those tradeoffs to be. Consider email - if you have bad habits, it might help you bypass them.

Consider picking up Linehan's DBT workbook and going through the exercises. Probably better than nothing. I'd be very, very wary of quitting your job. Therapy helps my wife...but less than being employed.

The BIL thing doesn't sound healthy, but, unless he's being obnoxious, I don't think there's much you can do about it...I'd step warily.

Regarding the house, even though you're contributing, speaking as someone married to a BPD, there's absolutely no chance I'd add you to the mortgage if you aren't on it. Even beyond the probability of divorce, there's the 'crazy, impulsive' issue which means that my wife does not have access to any significant accounts. (I'll admit that the original motivation was the 'doesn't fill out paperwork in a timely fashion...) I'd rather not end up in debt, but owning a bunch of swampland. (Don't laugh...happened to her father...and I've had enough warning signs.)

It sounds like your husband may be somewhat tired of continual crises on your end. Asking someone to handle depression and BPD is already too much. It might help to scale back your demands on your husband and focus on one or two issues at a time. As a first step, brainstorm 1 idea, schedule it, and do it. Maybe ask your husband or MIL for help following through with that one thing if you need it. I like the 'don't break the chain' approach.

Depression is probably the most immediate - since it affects all the others. Medication helps with depression. So does exercise. And therapy. And friends. Try meetup dot com if nothing else. Knitting's great too.

BPD is probably the next most important. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy helps and is only modestly expensive if you already have a therapist. If unaffordable, 'Putting the Pieces Together' is shorter than Lineham's workbook and covers much of the same material.

Once you have a bit of a handle on those two issues, it might make sense to tackle marital issues.
And then financial/career issues.
And then, maybe, discuss the BIL.

The truth is that all of these issues sound like they've been around for a while. So there's no rush. Just think of it like cleaning out the garage.
Anyways, best wishes.

--Argyle
*There are 168 hours weekly. If your husband works 60 hours weekly, commutes 14 hours weekly, sleeps 63 hours weekly, eats 14 hours weekly, that leaves 17 hours - to be split between wife, friends, family, chores, relaxation, church, and children. So, assuming an even split, 2 hours for you is fairly reasonable. Kind of sucks though...keep in mind that shortening commutes or reducing other time sinks can help a lot. Also, if you sleep all day - you're sucking up a ton of his time - don't expect anything until you fix that. Not saying you do...just I'm married to a depressed BPD - and keeping the house clean while working full time and keeping quiet until noon on weekends is problematic.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

A lot on his shoulders? Well I don't know.. I know he has to pay for mortgage and car, etc.. he also has plenty of help. I really don't mind when he does not have time for me because of work.. He is also taking more schooling (online) to get some certification. A couple of times he told me he wanted to do nothing but study, and those times I barely saw him studying.. he'd go read news, watch tv etc.. and then one day we had a fight and he told me he had to take this test one last time because he failed the first two. I confronted him about he was not studying. He did not say anything and just went to sleep (it was during the day).

And travel schedule.. mmm the travel was not everyday.. just twice a month back and forth. I was okay with not being called/texted the day he drove four hours there.. But I still envy my friends who are in the same circumstance as I was with LDR, and their husbands call them three to four times a day.. during the day, at night, etc.. and the constant texting..

Like I've said, I might get part-time job while doing the psycho therapy.

I am not added on the mortgage for the reason that my husband does not want me to have any major liability problem should he fail to meet his responsibilities. I am thankful for this. My husband ran away from a country in order not to pay his students' loan. 

He actually trusts me with money.. and I know I can be trusted. Yeah, I can be impulsive, but only when I know I have the money. I also have rules to shop. I don't go crazy. My husband is impressed at how much money I have saved for the number of months I've worked at the current company. 

I've got to go. I'll post again later..


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

In practice, anyone with his mother and brother depending on him, working full-time, in a job he's probably not that wild about, and married to a depressed BPD has a lot on his shoulders. A lot of men would be stressed to near the breaking point.

Regarding his studies, it sounds like he made at least one mistake. And it sounds like he's not a dedicated student. That could be pretty aggravating. I know it was...watching my wife while she was studying. In the end, I realized that I couldn't do much to help her or change her behavior and just stuck to being supportive, occasionally giving advice, and biting my tongue until it bled. (figuratively) It worked as well as anything...which means that she didn't blame me much when she dropped out.

...see...I'm more used to the service techs on 75% travel who fly 16 hours straight into the factory at a moment's notice and are on-duty in the factory until the problem's fixed. There - you can't plan on seeing them ever and mostly get texts from the airport. Albeit, honestly, most of them are divorced. Still, they love their wives - they just have a hard job.

...a part-time job might be a smart idea. I dunno though. From my wife's experience - for the psych-therapy, you're looking at a psychiatrist for antidepressants, a CBT psychologist as a primary therapist, and a DBT group. If you have mental health coverage, this all may be covered. (was for us). The CBT psychologist is an hour weekly. The DBT group is an hour weekly - and every group we've found meets in the late evening. DBT groups are usually pretty cheap - as they're basically skills training groups. So, I don't know whether or not you need to leave the full-time job. In the short-term, seriously, read the book.

...it sounds like your husband is a nicer guy than I am. And like you're much less impulsive than my wife.

Best Wishes, Argyle


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

Yeah, I have a DBT book. I have no time to read it right now.. I read some of it last year together with people at the hospital, when I was hospitalized in the psych unit, also did the exercises.

"_In practice, anyone with his mother and brother depending on him, working full-time, in a job he's probably not that wild about, and married to a depressed BPD has a lot on his shoulders._ "

I agree. But that's not what my husband is. He's passionate about his work, which I am really happy about. His mom is working full-time to provide for herself, help him pay mortgage and provide for the youngest son. And me, a high functioning BPD (as my psychiatrists call me), is the only one who is depending on him. Not 100% though. 

Oh no, the therapies are covered, I make sure I do not have to pay a single cent. 

I don't know you, but on some points you could be nicer than my husband. I mean.. "_and keeping the house clean while working full time and keeping quiet until noon on weekends is problematic_". My MIL and I are the one who tries to keep the house clean. My MIL is responsible for her and my BIL's mess, and I'm responsible for my and my husband's mess:
- He throws away his shoes and socks all over the living room, his clothes all over the bedroom, and I'm the one who picks up everything. 
- He drinks a lot of soft drinks and never puts away the cans. Every morning I'd wake up to 5 empty cans sitting on my coffee table. 
I can go on, but I'd rather not, it drives me crazy.

Do you talk heart-to-heart with your wife about her mental illness, argyle? 

Thanks and best wishes to you too.


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## argyle (May 27, 2011)

...sorry...I was guessing about the job...as he'd been complaining about a pay cut. And I'm maybe anticipating the date when my wife's parents move in.

...I really, really, really sympathize. The part I hate most is cleaning up the moldy food she leaves under the bed. Or hidden under discarded clothes in odd places. (bangs head on wall...just figured out part of the reason for our bedroom's smell.) I'm moving towards just storing her clothes in the garage instead of rehanging them. It'd lower my workload. Problem is that she will rewear clothes almost infinitely instead of rehanging washed laundry. /end infinite monologue

...as you're working, it would seem reasonable to talk about chore distribution. This can be difficult, depending on your cultural background.*

Yep. Mixed results. The bright side is that she's stayed in therapy...and that she's working on emotional control and learning non-abusive communication styles...and that she even understands that her communication style and lack of empathy contributes to conflict.

The downside is that she's fairly narcissistic and that acknowledging any sort of personal issues is pretty triggering, so heart-to-hearts tend to be followed by fairly abusive meltdowns. But - later - by thoughtful analysis and ownership. So, not hopeless, or so I kid myself. I dunno - she does work at things, but she has enough issues that being married to her is difficult.

Overall though, she's getting better at control...and I haven't had to drive to my parents in the middle of the night as frequently this year.

--Argyle

*Asking for change in single, small issues can help. Big changes - like being less messy - hardly ever work. So can being flexible - like adding a trash can next to his desk for sodas. Of course, sometimes you just have to hire a maid. That said, sugar is bad for people. Carbohydrate intake causes obesity, fat accumulation in the liver, diabetes, cardiovascular failure, and death.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If you had a horrible home life as a child, you will feel troubled at home until you have dealt with this problem, through therapy is a good idea. It's a fact of life that you have to live in a home. You can't escape that, and it's where you feel most troubled. I don't think it's the boredom so much as it is the quiet time, which you cannot quite trust, and don't know how to interpret, because it's so different from what you had to deal with growing up. This is something I have dealt with. You can 'treat' yourself to time spent outside the home some weekends and evenings, no judgement. Take a class in a second language, music, dancing or whatever. Go to art museums or something like that on the weekends. You can also take some control over your environment by learning about home care, and then doing small projects (or big ones if you feel like it) around the house, not just contributing to it financially. This feeling of going nuts because of a boring home life is not unique. Over time through working through this issue you will learn to love your home the way a fox loves a den, a bear loves a cave, and a beaver loves a lodge. It's only natural. Except that as a child, you had your 'homing instinct' severely messed with. You only feel comfortable outside the home, or on the move, or when there is an issue to deal with to show that peace and tranquility were but a passing illusion in your home, rather than the status quo. 

A lot of what you describe is that of a full-timer who is tired due to work and wants to relax. Typical behavior of someone in the privacy of their own home. Probably has less to do with you than you think. Most people treat their homes as a refuge, not as a place where they want to have to follow a lot of rules and do a lot of work. Most of us try to get away with as little work as possible at home. The exception seems to be people who have 'invested' in their real estate, people who entertain as part of their jobs, or those who have a genuine hobby in home improvement and get a lot of satisfaction through making their home uniquely theirs. 

Maybe you can get some meds to help you deal with being stuck in a home in the late evening hours. It would be the kind thing to do for yourself, while you are working on the long process of therapy, which does take time, and kudos to you for sticking to this path. It sounds like you have a lot of fortitude and I think with keeping focus on your goal to have a happy life at home as well as at work and elsewhere, you will reach it.

Your brother in law would seriously creep me out.


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## damsel (Aug 29, 2012)

*Homemaker_Numero_Uno* I never realized it.. but I think most of the things that you say apply to me.. 

_"If you had a horrible home life as a child, you will feel troubled at home until you have dealt with this problem, through therapy is a good idea. It's a fact of life that you have to live in a home. You can't escape that, and it's where you feel most troubled."_

True. I see other people, friends that are stay at home moms. I'm thinking to myself, "I would never be able to do that". I hate cleaning up when I'm at home, but when I'm about to leave my house for whatever reason, I suddenly have the urge to clean up.

_kudos to you for sticking to this path. It sounds like you have a lot of fortitude and I think with keeping focus on your goal to have a happy life at home as well as at work and elsewhere, you will reach it._

Thank you, it's nice to hear a compliment..

_Your brother in law would seriously creep me out._

Lol, how? Well my husband and his other brother told me, "we have to be patient with this guy, we don't know what his state of mind is like, what if he decides to attempt suicide?" my reply was like, "what if he goes crazy and decides to rape me?" I was pissed!!!


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

damsel said:


> Iam actually seeing psychiatrists. They categorize me as high-functioning BPD. I was offered a therapy but I had to refuse since the schedule doesn’t fit with my work.


If you have BPD, high-functioning or not, you MUST have therapy. DBT is one of the few effective treatments for BPD, but I've heard other things will work, too. Regardless, BPD is not something that can go untreated.



> I enjoy my work so much but I am thinking of quitting in a few months and go with the therapy. There are still days when I can’t cope. When I told my husband this idea, his response was, “what’s wrong now?”


Your husband is probably drained by the emotional upheaval and such on top of his daily grind. As painful as it is to realize, people with BPD can be extremely draining to deal with or be around, especially when BPDing. That does not mean that the nons don't love you or don't care, however. Just means that they're not wired to deal with all that energy, just like people with BPD aren't wired to be phlegmatic. 



> I don’t do drama. All the suicide attempts, nobody knew, I told my husband after. My husband does not think I am depressed. I hide all my emotions, only express the sadness, frustration, anger, when nobody’s around.


What underlies all that is intensity of feeling, I think. People can see the suicidality, acting out, high emotion/explosions, and self-harm as dramatics, but I think it actually comes down to intensity. I think you need to be honest with your husband about your emotional/psychological state. Hiding everything is not helping you, only further isolating you.



> But there are times when I give my husband the cold shoulder. And then he would show that he cares. Other times, I would feel neglected. We don’t spend quality time. He can’t sit next to me without the tv or the cellphone or the tablet or the computer on. He eats with the tv on and not look at me.


You're going to have to start trying to communicate more effectively with him, like actually telling him that you feel neglected or that you would like his full attention. Sounds like you guys need to do date nights or set aside certain hours for couple time. He NEEDS to spend quality time with you, and that means the two of you focusing on each other and doing something together without any distractions or multitasking. Somehow you need to tell him that your relationship will die without it.



> I am bored with my relationship, not with my life. I’ve got plenty of things to do, I dance twice a week and go out whenever I am not tired.


It sounds like your relationship needs some serious attention. And that you need more friends/socializing. 

It's also very easy to feel bored/dead when you are not in the highs and lows of your swings/moods. But that's what healthy people are like. They live most of their lives in that mid-range, not in the extremes like someone with BPD would. Therapy would help you to normalize and learn how to live in that mid-range world instead of leaving you strapped to the roller coaster upon which you can only flash through that everyday world where everyone else is rather than living there with them.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you get into therapy?


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