# Sorry not sorry



## Lovelost&found (11 mo ago)

Hi all, my wife and I have been married for 25 years, although it has been mostly a bad roommate arrangement for the last 5, and to truthful a bit of a struggle for the 5 years before that. 

I chose to change careers against her wishes as I felt trapped in the job at the time and realized that the bar she was setting for me to be able to make the change was always moving. Afterwards I attempted a startup business which unfortunately flopped and brought much financial stress to our family. Years later things have worked themselves out financially but our relationship has been in a tail spin ever since. Clearly she resents me having left my former career and has not let go of that and has in turn been cold and unloving since then.

Now we are at a constant state of butting heads, she has not been intimate in over 3 years and has been pretty nasty along the way. (I have of course not been a saint either) The arguments are the same over and over again. I feel like she needs to step up and apologize for her behaviour and start acting like her marriage matters. Her response is that I am angry all the time and why would I expect her to be loving or intimate under these situations.

Throughout our relationship the role of peacemaker has ALWAYS fallen on me and if someone was going to apologize and try and smooth things out it was going to be. In fact, I cannot honestly remember a time where she said " I am sorry" without adding a "but" afterwards. After the way she has treated me since the career change I can't bring myself to be the peacemaker anymore. It makes me feel shame for continuing to be the one to be trying to make our relationship whole while my partner doesn't seem to think it should fall on her to try and make things right. 

She has suggested counseling but I feel like if she can't bring her self to apologize for anything counseling seems pointless. I have said if she can apologize just once without a "But" I would go but now we are at an impasse where I feel like the only options is to leave as it doesn't look like she will ever decide our relationship matters enough to swallow her pride and be the one to try and piece things together.

I dont even know what I am looking for here but it did feel good to type it out in black and white.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I would probably put an end to things if it were me. Living under those conditions is toxic and such a waste.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Lovelost&found said:


> She has suggested counseling but I feel like if she can't bring her self to apologize for anything counseling seems pointless. I have said if she can apologize just once without a "But" I would go but now we are at an impasse where I feel like the only options is to leave as it doesn't look like she will ever decide our relationship matters enough to swallow her pride and be the one to try and piece things together.


So one of the reasons to GO to counseling is to improve your communications -- like apologizing, etc.. You should try it, but make sure the counselor works for you -- just don't "accept" one if you are not comfortable with them.
Don't be stubborn now. You can bring up all of these issues with the counselor to get them worked on. They can act as the referee so the emotions don't sidetrack the conversations too much...


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Agree with the bloke above, you need to work on your communication first, regardless if things are going to improve or get worse. She makes some sense when she says she 'thinks' you're angry all the time. Whether its perceived or otherwise, you have to clear it out. Go for counseling.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Having a bad relationship for 10 years and no sex for 3...I don't think there's any coming back from that. Time to move on.


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