# I Want Out....Help



## ThirdSister (Apr 28, 2010)

I am so relieved that I found this site and learned that I am not alone. I've been married for 8 years, together for over 10. I am his third wife, he's my second husband. H has two children from his first marriage, they're now 29 and 26 (girl and boy); I have a 22 yr old son from my first marriage.

I apologize, this is a rather extensive post, but there's so much to say, and I’m still only giving the minimum of facts.

H was having a lot of problems with his son when I began dating him and, although I didn’t ask him to make a choice he promised me that his son wasn't going to reside with us when we married. However, I've learned talk is nothing more than that, it's just chatter. The SS (stepson) refused to attend our wedding (it was at our home) but came to the reception and, at the end of the night, proceeded to beat the crap out of his father for asking him to leave because he threatened his own sister. H pressed charges, but when it went to court he told the judge that SS had "learned his lesson" so the judge dismissed the case.

Since our marriage, SS has forged my personal checks, stolen money from me, his father, and my son, stolen a credit card, etc. He stole drugs and other items from a drug dealer who came to my home looking for him! Unfortunately, no matter how horrible his actions, H won't hold him accountable, ever. During the time that he wasn’t allowed in our home, he'd call his Dad and ask if he could stay at the house for a night because he didn't have anywhere else to go, and without even discussing it with me, H would say come on over. Then, the SS would stay for a few weeks or months until he did some other atrocious act that would cause his Dad to finally boot him out again.

He moved back in with us back in July ("only for 2 weeks, honey") because his g’friend kicked him out for physically assaulting her. He’s quit working, dropped out of school, and plays video games all day long. He smokes in my home although I've asked him repeatedly not do so because I'm allergic to cigarette smoke. When I mention this to H, he just acts like I'm speaking in a foreign language. H promised me in December that he'd give him until March to get a job and find his own place; he recently admitted that he never talked to him about it.

Last October, our 4 1/2 mth old granddaughter died and SS couldn't be bothered to attend her wake or funeral--his own niece! H and I sat him down for a serious conversation regarding this and other issues that were occurring during that time. Unfortunately, H decided to do his impersonation of a clam and I had to do all of the talking. The only responses I could get out of SS was "*%#@ you", to the extent that my son finally came into the conversation and told him to never speak so disrespectfully to me. My H and SS have screaming matches with each other all of the time--they never resolve anything because they're just screaming over each other.

H told me last week that SS is returning to school in June, so it doesn’t appear that there’s an “end date” for SS to move out. SS and I don't really have any interaction with each other if we can avoid it. I don't respect him and I can't pretend that everything's okay. He's brought people into my home that I don't trust, things are beginning to come up missing again, and he's still using his recreational drugs in my home. When I tried to discuss this with H, he asked me "why do you resent my son so much?" I finally told him that I don't resent his son I resent him because he hasn't provided either of his children with the tools necessary to be able to sustain themselves in the real world.

I understand that it takes two to make or break a commitment, but I don't feel that H considers our marriage a true commitment. Over the years, he's continued to have contact with his last wife (who he doesn't have any children with) although I’d asked him repeatedly to stop communicating with her. His response was always “I’m concerned that she’ll kill herself if I don’t respond to her”. Well, she remarried last March and that’s when he finally quit exchanging emails with her (at least as far as I know). I also stumbled across emails and risqué photos from other women that makes me believe that if he hasn't physically cheated, he sure has emotionally. A few years ago, I found emails he was exchanging with another woman in which he was complaining about our waning sexual relationship--shouldn't he have been talking to me about that?

I think this relationship has passed his expiration date and I’m trying to find excuses to stay rather than find excuses to go. Believe me, I don’t think I’m perfect and I know I’ve allowed my resentment to build into a volcano of anger, and I’ve lost all respect for H. Why does he continue to make excuses for his son and disregard my happiness? Any insights that you have is appreciated.


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## someguy888 (May 15, 2010)

Lots of history here and lots of family dynamics. It's clear that your SS is leaching off of your family. He shouldn't be in your house. I would say give your husband an ultimatum to get the SS out.

It also sounds like you have had other issues. What have you done to work on those? Have you talked to your husband or gone to counseling for yourself or for you both.

Neither of you are strangers to divorce so you know what you're doing. Try to work it out and get some professional help!


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## ThirdSister (Apr 28, 2010)

Someguy, thanks for your reply and input.

Yes, I've attended counseling for myself, but the Hubby won't go to counseling because "there isn't a problem".

The latest--SS didn't start school in June because "classes were full", so now it'll be August. In the meantime, he's at our house enjoying the highlife--no job, no responsibilities. When I speak to H about this, he just blows it off completely. "He's looking for a job" is a statement I've heard so many times, I probably quote it in my sleep.

At this point, I'm so angry and resentful that I don't see our marriage surviving. The H doesn't understand that by enabling his son to fail over and over again, he's just perpetuating the cycle.

I finally got a second job in the evenings so I can (1) be away from the house, and (2) save money towards getting my own place. I'd just really love to have some peace and relaxation in the near future.


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