# False Reconciliation v the Real deal



## Mamatomany

Okay, so we aren't even really talking or in contact but after reading TAM and MLC forum I read about ppl who have gone through false reconciliations. 

My question now is when do you know it's a false r versus the real deal?

Is a false R just when both aren't really giving 100% back into the marriage? Is it when one of the spouses plays the part but isn't committed? Or is it when the R just wasn't successful so someone calls it a false R?


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## abetterme

Mama can you read my post. I am going through this same dilemma.


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## Jayb

Thanks mama. Now, you've given me even more to consider.

I suppose it's when 1 is full-on and the other isn't. Either out of guilt or doubt.

I'm not sure what to believe anymore. 

I had a great day with the family today. All together, helped her with household duties, laughed, together....

Then, I left.


I am willing. She????????


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## daisygirl 41

Mama
For me I just knew. There is a huge difference.
Last summer when we tried H was still guarded and closed corn emotionally. He didn't want to talk about anything and it just didn't feel right.
He was deep in hue EA fog and it just didn't feel right.
Now it is different we are talking and talking. There has been complete closure on the EA and those damn aliens have returned my H.
He has taken full responsibility for his actions. No blame shifting, no rug sweeping and he has said that he knows he has to do ALL the hard work to prove to me that he loves me and wants our marriage to be better than it was before.
Good luck mama 
Xx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownUnder

Mama, i was right in the middle of false R until up to last week when i ended it by kicking him out of my house.

Just like Daisy's husband, my H was still emotionally withdrawn and he witheld intimacy and shutting down (not communicating his feelings). 

I knew it didnt feel right when he came back home 4 weeks ago....he was still in the fence (one foot out and one foot in) so he wasn't fully committed. The EA started back a couple of weeks ago when the OW started coming on to him again and flirting with him at work. He couldn't resist it and didnt want to stop it because he liked how he feels when he was with her.

I told him to get the hell out of my house and told him he can explore that spark and relationship with the OW, im setting him free and letting him go. Its the best way for both of us. Not to say that im not devastated...its bloody painful and hurts like hell. But he made his choice when he didnt stop the flirting....he can't have both me and the OW. I made it clear to him that im not waiting around for him again this time. I've accepted the fact that im okay with loosing him if this will come to the end. I wish him the best and i truly let him go.

Im not sure if the real reconcilliation will ever come my way, but IF it comes my way in the future (that is a big HUGE IF - because he just moved in with her last week) there will be a LOT of hard and heavy lifting that he will need to do on the TRUST issue that has been lost.


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## Helpme1

So is it false if I still dont trust her and sometimes hold my heart closed in fear of getting hurt again? I have never heard of this (FR) before. I dont think that I will ever trust her again. What does this mean?


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## scione

Helpme1 said:


> So is it false if I still dont trust her and sometimes hold my heart closed in fear of getting hurt again? I have never heard of this (FR) before. I dont think that I will ever trust her again. What does this mean?


False reconciliation is more like if your spouse comes back after an infidelity and acts like trying to work things out. Instead of being remorseful and trying to gain your trust back, she rug sweeps and still contacting the OM behind your back. It's like being back together but not together.

The real deal is more like if your spouse comes back and willing to do anything she can to gain your trust back, including never ever contacting the OM again.


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## Going Mental

> So is it false if I still dont trust her and sometimes hold my heart closed in fear of getting hurt again? I have never heard of this (FR) before. I dont think that I will ever trust her again.


The fear could be holding you in a false R, but it is also a genuine problem that needs to be worked on and resolved which could mean it is just the roadblock you are at. Do you want to trust again despite your fear?

Sometimes you can think you are genuinely trying to reconcile but some part of your and your wife's (it will be both not just one and not neccessarily at the same time) behaviour/emotional state etc will not have been faced and dealt with.

As an eg, I have just been through 6 months of separation and 4 of that was spent in false R because I had not learnt what I needed to learn. Everything came to a head because of certain behaviours. That and reading this forum made me realise I had only been pretending until then. I still have some concern that H is not yet moved to real R but only time will tell. We have an issue now that has to go to MC because we are having difficulty resolving it without it degenerating into a slanging match.

Are you having marriage counselling? This really is the best way to see if you still have something to reconcile. As Dr Phil says, leave no stone unturned...have you unturned every stone in your M??


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## This is me

Obviously there a various degrees of damage and emotional detachments. The same is true with degrees of stages during reconciliation. At anytime there can be the fake it to make it given by either party. Faking it or false behaviors for the right reasons is good, faking it for the wrong, simply wrong.


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## Mavash.

I think if you can stay still and pay attention you will know the difference. Your body, your gut, your instincts will tell you when something isn't right. You'll just 'know'. Trust that.


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## iheartlife

I knew false R was over when my true love who I married fully returned to the marriage and was his "old self" again. The petty arguments vanished overnight, he spontaneously shows me affection, he says I love you on his own several times a day, he checks in with me via text as I go about my day to ask if I'm ok and how I'm doing and that he loves me.

That said, I didn't know that before that, I was in false R for THREE YEARS. I was in false R then because he was still in contact with his affair partner. I was trusting and I never double checked; I believed him when he said it had ended; I believed him when he said she was not in contact with him. I couldn't tell he was lying. But, as I said just now, he was picking lots of fights, he was still distant, he would give me an ugly card for my birthday he bought at the drugstore a few minutes before...etc etc. This had been going on for such a long time that I guess I thought it was the new normal, instead of, he's still in his affair...


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## DownUnder

Mavash. said:


> I think if you can stay still and pay attention you will know the difference. Your body, your gut, your instincts will tell you when something isn't right. You'll just 'know'. Trust that.


:iagree:


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## Cuckold

I think the distinction between real R and false R is all about honesty. If you are both being honest with each other, then it's real. Even if that honesty leads to more pain. The 'reality' of the R in the context spoken of here at TAM is not tied to how successful it is.


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## Greg40

The "you just know" might seem vague but, ultimately, you know your partner better than anyone. 

How they were when they were in love and truly into you, how they were during their affair and after it.

Actions really count, especially how genuine they are. 

Willingness to work at the marriage, communciation, transparency, remorse...all good indicators that you're on the right track but, they can confuse a betrayed spouse because they are easier for a WS to fake for a myriad of reasons.

I'm in R now - MC, transparency, some remorse, reasonable communication and I'm not convinced because the actions just aren't there yet.

So IMO, if your begining R and all other pre-R conditions have been met, genuine actions from your WS will really indicate if you're on the right track to good one.


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