# I'm SO unhappy



## s'yllas

My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have 2 children (3yrs and 2yrs). We have had problems since before we were married. Trust issues, money issues, sex issues (he says he doesn't get it enough), communication issues!! You name it. We have always stuck it out even when we probably shouldn't have. I do not want to be with him anymore. He does not want to be with me anymore.
BUT, we both love our kids to death and it hurts so much to "give up" on their family, for them. I am ready to go, he is ready for me to leave. 
How long do you stay in a loveless marriage before you realize that there is nothing left to save?


----------



## anotherguy

I'm not sure 'long term success' is in the right location for this?

Have you both considered counselling? Has one of you said 'I want to make this better and need your help to do it.. how do you think we should go about it?'

Sometimes, 'sticking it out' isnt quite the same as actually resolving actual problems - can even make it worse if you are simply fostering resentment - but I am guessing a little.


----------



## s'yllas

anotherguy, we were in counseling even before we got married but my husband will not take advise from an outside party! The therapist gave us some personality test and told me privately that he is so high up on the "Type A" scale that 99% of therapists will not be able to get through to him on anything! When I told him that she said that, he said "yeah, I believe that!!!"

I posted in this section because people in this section have made it work, and I want to know how. We never resolve anything... EVER. It is always just swept under the rug and life goes on. 

When we argue, he still brings up things that made him mad 7 years ago! I am scared that if I leave him I might find someone even worse. Someone who is abusive or neglectful or any number of things. But what if I find the person who is right for me? I am so confused.


----------



## anotherguy

Well - type 'a' does not automatically equate to close minded a$$hole. Or at least it shouldnt.

"I am scared that if I leave him I might find someone even worse."

Why would you think that? You should have more confidence in yourself. Just because you have landed in a difficult spot does NOT mean you are incompenent as a person.

---

You both definitely need counseling. Agreeing to go is really a necessary and important first step seems to me. (I know you said you have been there - but sounds like nothing came of it?) If he says 'no' then you will have a much better idea of where the relationship stands I would guess.

You (and he) will also have to admit that you havent been able to resolve it on your own so that you (and he) will need to at least give serious consideration to experienced 3rd party relationship advice. Lets face it - none of us are perfect self evaluators and a good therapist can see things that neither of you can see. Based on what you say I would try to find couples co-therapists (a male/female team) and try to give it a fair shot including accepting the observations and advice they give.

If he cant do that? If you both cant do that? You are done - and maybe just as well. You are at the point where you simply CANT keep staying on the same course, right?

I am totally shooting from the hip here - I've never been in therapy - but I do know that when conflict happens - it is not always easy to be our own mechanics. Getting help is not a sign of failure - its a sign of success in that it shows both of you that you are both willing to do the hard work of saving the relationship. That you both care enough and are willing to act on it.

Buckle up. This doesnt sound like something that is going to get better in 30 days - but you CAN at least start something moving so that the both of you are not feeling like you are doing nothing at all and hating every minute of it too.


----------



## turnera

You need to be stronger. You need to set boundaries with real consequences. We can help with that. If you do that, he can come to learn to respect you and start treating you better. But it will have to start with you.


----------



## SimplyAmorous

s'yllas said:


> *we were in counseling even before we got married but my husband will not take advise from an outside party! *


 He sounds very prideful which is a destructive force in any attempted communication........ Ok forget the outside Party... how about resources you both can read together??

This is a great article on Effective Marital Communication... how it works... has 6 short paragraphs ....

 PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE- Communication 

A LOT of self work needs done here though..... the Blame shifting has to STOP ...the rug sweeping... learning how to be honest with your true feelings/hurts -which will require some vulnerability...there is a correct technique for this also..

Can read this short article >>  COMMUNICATION: “YOU” Vs “I” STATEMENTS

... which should help with calming the immediate offenses that likely you find when fighting....Both need to give each other the floor... determined to hear each other out fully... and come to some compromises...and honor your own word in carrying those out. A workable plan.. Kinda like exercise, all good things with rewards takes *discipline*...



> Trust issues, money issues, sex issues (he says he doesn't get it enough), communication issues!!


 These are generally the 4 big ones right here.. 

*Trust*... no more secrets, a commitment for a "willing" Transparency .... this is the only way through this one...as to re-build trust again... 

*Money* ...will some financial discipline help here? or is a higher paying Job required to meet your monthly expenses? 

*Sex*... It is very very frustrating for a High Drive man to be partnered with a low drive rejecting wife... even if he is a great husband who meets your every emotional need...sometimes the sex is the only contention.... the fact you have all these other issues on top of this divide only compounds everything....and ZAPS your desire even more so for your husband. He needs to understand and care to fulfill your Love languages as well.. 

You both will have to come to a workable agreement sexually also... But understand >>  Sex is an Emotional NEED...Male sexuality is a central part of who he is as both a man and a husband

Here is a book I found very helpful to deal with mismatched Libidos/ understanding each other....

When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life  ..... ... 

Click here for -- Identifying Your Libido Type


Speaking of those Love Languages - 2 highly recommended books -with Links and Tests below... to help you see where you are missing each other...once a couple starts speaking each others Love languages, it will soften you both ....the contentions die down...you may even begin to appreciate each other.. It's something to work towards ! 










>>  The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts  is one of the most popular & recommended to read on this Forum. 









 Love Languages Personal Profile 





















Another Highly recommended Book >>> His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  ~ these are the Core Emotional Needs addressed in that book...husbands & wives generally do not have these in the same order of importance, but when we are married, we need to understand what fulfills our partner to please them... this has it's rewards! And hopefully he will do the same!



> 10 Emotional needs:
> 
> 
> 1. *Admiration*
> 2. *Affection*
> 3. *Conversation*
> 4. *Domestic support*
> 5. *Family commitment*
> 6.* Financial support*
> 7. *Honesty and openness*
> 8. *Physical attractiveness*
> 9. *Recreational companionship*
> 10. *Sexual fulfillment*


You could print these out in the privacy of your own home... fill them out...and again work together to meet each other half way....







 Emotional Needs Questionnaire









........


----------



## s'yllas

anotherguy - I feel like I am a very confident person. I am worried that I could find someone worse because I have 2 young children, I have never been in an abusive relationship but I have read about them on this site and it scares me. 

I totally agree that we are completely unable to fix this without help from a professional, I think if we come to the point of discussing what to do I will mention the "mechanic" example that you used. It might help him to understand the concept! At this point we are not speaking to each other, I am looking for a place to live, it is BAD. Not sure we will get to the point of "talking" but maybe.

SimplyAmorous - he is VERY prideful. He is self-employed and thinks he is the hardest working man in the world because his job includes physical labor. He will take 4 days off in a row, and after working one day he will come home and say something like "Sigh... it feels so good to be home before 10:00pm for once", as if he has just worked a week in a row until 10:00pm! If you listen to him speak about himself without knowing his day to day activities, you would agree that he is the hardest working person on the planet! I cannot stand this about him. I am very realistic, even about myself. If I am lazy for 1 day at work, I come home and admit it and say something like "I need to start working harder". Listening to him exaggerate his accomplishments and his daily work is nauseating! That is a very big problem for us. Its hard for me to listen to him idealize himself all the time.

I am all about reading self-help and relationship help books. My husband on the other hand is not a reader. He would NEVER read any books, especially not self-help books. I would have to read it and convey it to him, but advise coming from my mouth would be the last type of advise he would listen to! My love language is definitely Acts of Service (at least now that I have children, work full time, etc. etc.)! May have been different before.

He has a VERY high sex drive, mine is very low. It is always higher in the beginning stages of any relationship and then slows down big time. All of the animosity I have towards my husband doesn't help either. The excitement is totally gone. When we do have sex it's very "job like". No forplay, just get it done. Which bores me to death. I do it just to shut him up most of the time! I know this is a MAJOR issue for him and has been our entire marriage. He doesn't hide his disappointment and it is brought up almost daily! I am going to counseling next week.

Another problem is that 5 months ago my mother passed away. I was VERY VERY close to her. It is so hard right now and I feel like this tragedy in my life has pushed our fragile relationship right over the edge!!!


----------



## turnera

You may need some temporary antidepressants to help you cope with all of it. When my mom died, I was still crying every day 6 months later, and had to go on some for a few months. It really helped.


----------

