# need a man's perspective on a marriage going sour



## anonymous999 (Jan 6, 2011)

i'd like a man's perpective...(women welcome too)

my husband and i have been married for 2.5 years, and largely unhappily from the beginning. he feels i am an unreliable wife when it comes to household tasks, and i feel that he is emotionally unavailable and controlling. i am definitely not the most organized person in the world, i never was, and i can admit this as a big fault of mine. i am working on it, slowly, to become more organized, meet deadlines, pay bills on time, etc. 

here is what i am not - i am not a spendthrift or a cheater. I don't think my husband is either, though he does spend way more money on the finer things in life than i do!

since our engagement, i have found it increasingly difficult to connect with him. conversations are brief because he gives one word answers to everything. stories about my day are often met with a grimace or an "i don't care" or "you've already told me this story." he dislikes my closest friends and family and refuses to attend important events like weddings with me if he doesnt' like who else will be there. since we've been married, i've been to five of my best friends' wedding or engagements completely alone. he is very career focused and ambitious, which makes finding the time to spend with me difficult for him at baseline. he doesn't enjoy the same foods i do, and refuses to eat what i cook (saying...he'll wait until i become a better cook). we grocery shop separately. i eat dinner alone almost nightly. i spend holidays and vacations alone, because i can never get him to travel with me, or he generally doesn't want me to travel with him. i find my attempts for affection are often spurned ("dont' touch me right now," "i need some space," "can you sit over there, you're all up in my space," "i'm too tired/stressed/etc" "why do i always have to tell you i love you/why do you need me to hug you" and lately it is "why are you ALWAYS nagging me?!") and i think he seriously underestimates how much it hurts me. he is affectionate generally when he wants to have sex which honestly is not that frequently. maybe once every two weeks or less. however, when i want to have sex, i usually get "not tonight, i'm too tired/stressed/etc). if there's an important event in his life, he won't generally invite me to go. i have to ask him - "am i invited?" or "should i come with you?" and his answer is invariably "i don't care if you come or not." 

money is an issue as currently i am the only earner (he is a student at the moment). i have a full time job and work about 60 hours a week, he often works more as a student. money won't be an issue forever, but it makes everything more complicated now. he would prefer to save everything and spend as little as possible now, which is often the excuse he gives for not going anywhere together - "it would be cheaper if you just go alone." it is hard for me to make plans on my own because he flatly REFUSES to discuss financial matters with me on a regular basis. he just says, "all the info is available online, why don't you go look it up yourself." this makes any mutual decision making impossible - needless to say, we have NO mutual financial goals or dreams. his family will often pay for him or even us to go visit them, which is very nice of them, and he will drop cash occasionally (not frequently) to visit his friends. i might add - he has NO problem connecting with his friends and family, with whom he has daily conversations and fabulous relationships with. he confides in them and shares with them the mundane aspects of his daily life that i wish he would share with me. he doesn't seem to trust me, and refuses to let me use his computer (thankfully i have my own) or drive his car (which is the only one we have...this definitely makes my life harder as i am taking public transport everywhere and cabs at night). 

whenever we argue, it always comes down to me begging for an emotional connection, but him saying why should he put forth the effort if i am not reliable with the chores. he seems to think i never put in a greater effort on my end, but i don't think that is true - i have tried and in many cases suceeded to become more helpful around the house. i will say he has to some extent tried to be more loving (tried to come home earlier for dinner, once in awhile he will surprise me with an affectionate gesture) but i feel like these are few and far between - and they seem to be done with an unhealthy amount of resentment (on the order of....i'm only doing this because she wants me to, i could be doing something more productive...). our fights usually end up with us not talking to each other for a few days, almost always initiated by him while i wait for him to cool down and talk to me again. 

i know everyone has a huge flaw, and mine is that i am disorganized. does this make me not deserve his affection? honestly - i don't care about getting gifts, presents, money. i've never wanted diamond rings, fancy cars, or a big house. i don't care for excitement all the time. what i wanted out of a marriage was an emotional connection with someone, love, friendship, loyalty. someone with whom i could cook, eat, laugh, go to the movies, have a physical relationship, maintain a warm household, visit friends, bounce ideas, complain about work, have a spiritual life together, raise children, travel....share dreams....maybe this is overly romantic as i know there are plenty of ups and downs, and plenty of hard work involved, but aren't there people out there living this dream? i would trade so much of the material things we have if i could just have a house full of love. i often feel like i'm just tagging along in his life, a vessel for him to fulfill his career goals and physical needs. i often feel that he would do much better with a housekeeper and an accountant - people who could manage his household but with whom he would have NO emotional obligation. 

we have started to go to counseling and i am not too optimistic but am willing to give it time. we were great as friends before we got engaged and i don't know how to get it back. we are just roommates now, not even friends really. 

anyway...guys...i am wondering. does having a sometimes unreliable wife make it hard for you to give affection to her? is it fair to ask a woman to keep better house as a condition of receiving your love? anyone out there in a successful marriage with someone who is so incredibly different from them?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The feeling I was left with in reading your thread is that you were either selling yourself, or us, on the reasons why you _shouldn't_ stay married to this guy.

I will tell you quite honestly, my ex's inability to care for the home was one of many of our issues. However, it was made worse by the fact that she didn't work. That isn't your case.

On the whole, you are young. Your relationship is young, and quite frankly, just doesn't sound like it has a very good foundation.

You can give it the old college try and see if you can rediscover your 'spark', but that presumes there was a spark in the first place.

Do you want to stay married to this man? And if so, why? What's in it for you?


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I have to agree with Deejo.

But to specifically answer your question, NO. If it were that way my wife would have left me years ago. She is completely anal and organized. I am chaos. She puts up with my brain farts and I put up with her nagging me about them..


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

anonymous999 said:


> i'd like a man's perpective...(women welcome too)
> 
> my husband and i have been married for 2.5 years, and largely unhappily from the beginning. he feels i am an unreliable wife when it comes to household tasks, and i feel that he is emotionally unavailable and controlling. i am definitely not the most organized person in the world, i never was, and i can admit this as a big fault of mine. i am working on it, slowly, to become more organized, meet deadlines, pay bills on time, etc.


Organization is akin to responsibility, I am afraid. Habits, skills, routines. Slowly may not be fast enough. 

FlyLady.net: Your personal online coach to help you gain control of your house and home. Get off your franny. 

Seriously. With or without a man, bills need to get paid. Housework needs to get done. It takes 28 days for form a habit, so says FlyLady. If the happy horse pucky bothers you, like it does me, ignore it. Take what is useful and leave the rest.



> here is what i am not - i am not a spendthrift or a cheater. I don't think my husband is either, though he does spend way more money on the finer things in life than i do!
> 
> since our engagement, i have found it increasingly difficult to connect with him. conversations are brief because he gives one word answers to everything. stories about my day are often met with a grimace or an "i don't care" or "you've already told me this story." he dislikes my closest friends and family and refuses to attend important events like weddings with me if he doesnt' like who else will be there. since we've been married, i've been to five of my best friends' wedding or engagements completely alone. he is very career focused and ambitious, which makes finding the time to spend with me difficult for him at baseline. he doesn't enjoy the same foods i do, and refuses to eat what i cook (saying...he'll wait until i become a better cook).


Nice. Hand him the pan. Ass.

It is often the case that Deejo is right. Seems this is another of these cases.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> It is often the case that Deejo is right. Seems this is another of these cases.


Wait ... what?

Thank you? :bunny:


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

anonymous999 said:


> i'd like a man's perpective...(women welcome too)
> 
> my husband and i have been married for 2.5 years, and largely unhappily from the beginning. he feels i am an unreliable wife when it comes to household tasks, and i feel that he is emotionally unavailable and controlling. i am definitely not the most organized person in the world, i never was, and i can admit this as a big fault of mine. i am working on it, slowly, to become more organized, meet deadlines, pay bills on time, etc.
> 
> ...


i think she does want the marriage to work,but her H seems to be emotionally not giving hardly any part of himself,only when he wants sex.
you work 60 hrs a week,he goes to school a couple more hours a week or whatever then you do?that does not mean he gets out of his part of the chores,sure take on a little more because his schooling has more hours then your job,but he should be doing stuff at home as well.is he?


your H not liking your touches or wanting your company is not good at all.
your working,he is not,which im sure you are pulling him finanically along while he attends school.you seem like you are reliable,to me he is using the house work thats not done as an excuse to be unavaible to you for whatever reason.

Your H dont seem to want the marriage very much,it something you really have to talk about with him.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Wait ... what?
> 
> Thank you? :bunny:


Your advice is usually spot on. Does that come as a surprise to you?

Your expression of your philosophy often makes no sense to me. I suspect it is language usage. You ARE the one who finally got through to me on Nice Guy vs nice ... guy.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

MxRacer965 said:


> You put up with an aweful lot from your husband, I don't know how you do it.
> Being disorganized should not be justifiable reason to not go places with you, do things with you, confide in you as he should, and generally treat you better. He has a problem or issue, what it is I cannot say. IMO you should be his best friend and he should be yours. You both should be able to confide in each other in levels way beyond what can be done with others outside your marriage. This does not sound like the case though for him. He seems to treat you like an annoying roommate or meal ticket. I don't think you should be putting up with it. This is probably the only time I have ever said this but if I were you I would leave if things don't change drastically. It's wrong of you to have to go through living your life in this way.


ok,this is what i was trying to say in my other post:lol:
as you will all find out,im horrible at making sense.i read posts here and there is such intelligence in the way some of you explain things,,hope i just made sense:rofl:


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## AdrenalineJunkie (Dec 30, 2010)

I have to agree with MXRacer on this. Have you changed since dating and recently become disorganized or has it always been that way? I'm guessing it's not a recent thing and something he surely knew about before marriage. Although I do believe it's worth a try to become more organized (especially where bills are concerned) it shouldn't be entirely up to you for these things if you are working 60hours a week. Definitely no reason for him to deny you affection or doing things with you. I went through a similar situation with my husband being distant with me and never wanting to go places or aknowledge me or my needs. I wanted sex WAY more than he did and it was always on his terms. Then after several attempts to talk about it turning into an argument it got more drastic and I was leaving. He has completely turned around and wants me all of the time now and wants to travel and go do things with me. However after years of living the other way I sometimes wonder if I really want him to go or if I had more fun just going with my family or friends. It's easy to build up resentment and then wonder if they truly want to change or if they are only doing it to keep you there and if the change is permanent. If he was like this before marriage and it's only been 2.5 years then I would not think he is going to suddenly change for the better. You need to stay true to your happiness. If he's willing to go to counseling and work on it that's a start but don't sell yourself short either.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

anonymous999 said:


> i'd like a man's perpective...(women welcome too)
> 
> my husband and i have been married for 2.5 years, and largely unhappily from the beginning. he feels i am an unreliable wife when it comes to household tasks, and i feel that he is emotionally unavailable and controlling. i am definitely not the most organized person in the world, i never was, and i can admit this as a big fault of mine. i am working on it, slowly, to become more organized, meet deadlines, pay bills on time, etc.


Why isn't he doing the housework if you are working full time?



anonymous999 said:


> stories about my day are often met with a grimace or an "i don't care" or "you've already told me this story." he dislikes my closest friends and family and refuses to attend important events like weddings with me if he doesnt' like who else will be there. since we've been married, i've been to five of my best friends' wedding or engagements completely alone. he is very career focused and ambitious, which makes finding the time to spend with me difficult for him at baseline. he doesn't enjoy the same foods i do, and refuses to eat what i cook (saying...he'll wait until i become a better cook). we grocery shop separately. i eat dinner alone almost nightly. i spend holidays and vacations alone, because i can never get him to travel with me, or he generally doesn't want me to travel with him. i find my attempts for affection are often spurned ("dont' touch me right now," "i need some space," "can you sit over there, you're all up in my space," "i'm too tired/stressed/etc" "why do i always have to tell you i love you/why do you need me to hug you" and lately it is "why are you ALWAYS nagging me?!") and i think he seriously underestimates how much it hurts me. he is affectionate generally when he wants to have sex which honestly is not that frequently. maybe once every two weeks or less. however, when i want to have sex, i usually get "not tonight, i'm too tired/stressed/etc). if there's an important event in his life, he won't generally invite me to go. i have to ask him - "am i invited?" or "should i come with you?" and his answer is invariably "i don't care if you come or not."


You are not married. The certificate says you are but that is not a marriage. Marriage is a partnership but this misogynist is just taking you for a ride.



anonymous999 said:


> anyway...guys...i am wondering. does having a sometimes unreliable wife make it hard for you to give affection to her? is it fair to ask a woman to keep better house as a condition of receiving your love? anyone out there in a successful marriage with someone who is so incredibly different from them?


I don't think that you can have a successful marriage with someone who is too _similar_ to you. Your partnership should be complementary, he should be strong where you are weak and vice versa. Hopefully the whole being worth more than the sum of the parts. 

Your husband needs to get to the bottom of why he is emotionally manipulative and sort it out, this has nothing to do with you being 'unreliable'.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Break off the engagement and wish him luck.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

While reading your post I can feel the sadness. 
You list a number of things you want out of a marriage. None of these things is he giving to you, or will likely give you. Sounds like his heart just isn't in the marriage. I think he is using you until he finishes school, and starts his career. 

Be good to yourself.


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## anonymous999 (Jan 6, 2011)

thank you all for the replies and support. i do feel like my marriage is a lonely sea...struggling to swim here. do i want to stay married? i don't know. i think we love each other deep down, but have such disparate ideas of what "love" looks like. there's a part of me that really wants to feel free, and to find love somewhere else, but i am also afraid of the stigma of divorce in my culture, esp being so young. and then there's a part of me that wonders if i could try harder. 

to his credit, he does a lot of the housework; i don't want it to seem like he does nothing. our fights center around the fact that he doesn't think i'm reliable with my end of it. he's right about this much of the time (sometimes he's not) and i wish he would give me more credit for what i do right. regardless, i know i have to be better with my responsibilities. at the same time, there's something about doing housework/errands as an exchange for love and affection that is unsettling for me (my husband just thinks this is a "victim mentality"), but i wonder if doing housework is my husbands way of feeling "love and affection" from me, so i am willing to try. 

a lot of this is complicated by the fact that my husband has a lot going on in his life right now and is somewhat fragile. though i have been asking for his emotional presence even when he isn't in a fragile state and were not getting anything, and i feel so selfish asking for his emotional support at the moment...and our counselor is asking me to push back a little in that regard. i think he sees that my husband has a hard enough time giving emotionally, and now it is even harder for him. i think my feelings would be mitigated if my husband counted on me for emotional support - i guess that connection would still be there - but he doesn't want that from me. so i feel selfish even asking the question...where does this leave me? am i a selfish wife...for even thinking like this?

question for you - when you are all feeling lonely in your relationships, but are not in a good position to ask your spouse for that love and affection because of something they are going through, what do you do? where do you turn? suck it up for their sake? i might have been able to do that if this hasn't been going on for 2.5 years. i am at a breaking point. i know some people have an affair but that's not an option nor is it desirable for me.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

From one "needy" wife to another, my advice to you is to do things for yourself and to boost your self esteem.
There's an imbalance of emotional investment and power between you that will deplete you if it doesn't change.

And he's not going to shift it, because he is the one with more power.

Be less available.
Take care of yourself.
Do things for yourself.
Don't react to everything he says or does emotionally.
Even if you do care, don't show it to him.
He may detect more confidence and less dependence on him, and wonder about it.
And if he doesn't, then you're still doing things for yourself, and it sounds like you are lonely in your marriage and need to give yourself the love that he's not giving you.

It's a good sign you're in counseling--it shows he cares.

Sure, you may not be a domestic goddess but that doesn't justify his distance and criticism on several fronts; and it's unfair for him to pin it all on that one trait of yours.

I hope you get some answers in counseling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Give yourself the emotional support and love and care you need.

Seriously---talk to yourself because YOU are the only person who really knows what YOU need.
Even if part of what you need is connection from your husband.

I'm going through something similar.

Pull back on your neediness from him. 
Not because your needs don't matter...but because your H can't meet them right now.
Like i said, I'm working on this myself right now with my H too.
And I notice that the more I do care for myself and the less I ask him for anything, the more he actually notices and comes toward me.

It's not easy and it takes time.
But I feel better about myself when I treat myself with love and dignity, instead of setting myself up to be hurt by him, and then feeling rejected.
This is how I'm going with it for the time being, and when I approach things this way, I do see a gradual response from my husband.
I hope this helps.
(read my threads for a timeline of a similar struggle---excellent advice from people here that may help you too)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymous999 (Jan 6, 2011)

thank you for all the replies.

well, i came back from a trip recently. he picked me up from the airport but seems nonchalant about my arrival and is cold to me again. simply walked away when i asked for a hug. Hasn't touched me since I got back five days ago. told me he didn't want to hug or kiss me because i had a little cold, but when he came back from a trip sick last month, he asked for (and got) sex from me. that was the last time we did it, about a month ago now. 

i have asked him why he is cold to me lately, but he denies that he is cold or that anything is wrong. CLEARLY, he is distant, a blind man could see it. i have not put up a fuss about it this time. it is so exhausting to do that....so i am just minding my own business. it is like living with a stranger, except so emotionally draining. i am so sad and tired. i don't mean to sound like a victim or full of self pity, but it is the simple truth that i am sad and tired. 

i had gone to my motherland as one of my relatives was having a once in a lifetime event and my family really wanted me to come. i could not afford to go, so they paid for my ticket - they wanted me there that badly. as a result of the trip, i would miss my husband's birthday. i was torn about this and wanted to show him i cared, but also felt obligated to my family who actually WANTS me around and TELLS me this. 
a month earlier, my husband went to the same country to visit his own relatives (we could not arrange our schedule to go together), and was gone for the entire holiday season. i spent new years and much of the christmas holidays alone. so initially i didn't feel too bad and decided to go. still, my husband i think was a little hurt that i left him on his birthday. i still don't know if i made the right decision. so i tried to arrange an outing for the two of us before i left to celebrate, but he didn't want to go anywhere and refused my efforts. i bought him a birthday gift that I think he will find useful; he said thank you and walked away without even looking at me. 

i think he is also upset that in his opinion, i didn't spend enough time with his relatives while i was in our home country, but in an 8 day international trip that was paid for by other people who are also making demands on my time, I did the best I could (i spent about 2 days total with his relatives). when his parents paid for our previous trips to our home country, he made it clear to me that since THEY were paying, i had to do whatever they wanted. I saw my relatives for only a few hours on those trips. I guess he doesn't care about the double standard. 

not sure if I have done something wrong or if I could have made better choices. 

randomly, the other day one of my co-workers noticed me walking alone on my way home on a dark street. I generally feel safe on this street but my coworker was aghast and actually YELLED at me - "What the hell are you doing alone? It scares me to think about what could happen to you out here! Take a cab for goddsake!"

While I felt a little embarrassed that I was, indeed, a woman walking alone at night on a dark street, I can't tell you how good it felt in that moment to feel cared for. Isn't that weird? I realized I haven't felt that way in so, so long. 

I am not sure how long I can live in this emotionally empty marriage. my partner is like a closed book.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I've seen it before elsewhere and on TAM.

Bottom line - we teach people how to treat us. If there are no consequences to bad behavior, then we teach them that the behavior is acceptable to us and that gives them no motive to change.

Example in point: he is cold and distant from you, but when he wants sex, you're available. So he knows he doesn't have to "work for it," that it doesn't matter how he behaves, you're ready and willing when he snaps his little finger. 

Perhaps not being available will make him wonder what's up?

As someone who is also needy and co-dependent and trying to break those bonds, I know what you're going through.

YOU have a decision to make - one person can make dramatic change in a marriage - seriously - it can be you - it doesn't have to involve him also. You can make the decision to:

- Be less needy
- You CAN live without him if you had to
- Do things yourself, rely on him less
- Do not engage when he is behaving badly. If he's behaving badly, then no sex, why reward him?
- Carve out a life for yourself - be less interested in making him happy and more interested in making yourself happy
- Get mysterious - stop being there for him all the time and be there for yourself, it will make him wonder
- Don't cater to him
- Act like your life is great and you're happy - nothing worse to someone who is trying to make you miserable than by not letting them and showing a happy face

I not only offer this advice - but for exactly 7 days today I have been following it. My husband has already noticed (in small ways) and can tell something has changed. And guess what - I thought it would make me lonely, but I actually feel better as I'm more concentrated on me and less on him, so I'm not dwelling on issues or causing additional ones - I'm taking care of me!

You can do it, but it takes a conscious effort each and every day to let it go, walk away, tamp down the resentment and ignore him when he is trying to make you feel bad or think less of yourself.

Unfortunately, your husband is who he is and you are who you are. If he's always been emotionally detached, I can almost guarantee he always will be - this is who he is.

You have to make a decision if you can compromise and live with him as he is, if not, then you need to leave.

You cannot count on someone else to make you happy - you have to do it for yourself, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment and failure if you're expecting your husband to do it for you. Like my counselor once said - sometimes you have to blow sunshine up your own ass!

Good luck.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

if this was a husband writing this,the guys would tell him he is a nice guy and refer him to the nice guy threads.what do women do when their men are like this if she wants to save the relationship before considering walking away?
OP your guy is a jerk,sorry.if your not married and dont have kids,walk away would be my advice.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I've seen it before elsewhere and on TAM.
> 
> Bottom line - we teach people how to treat us. If there are no consequences to bad behavior, then we teach them that the behavior is acceptable to us and that gives them no motive to change.
> 
> ...


very good advice,try this and see what happens.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

My three guess based on what you've said is either one of, or a combination of all 3:

Either:

1) You let yourself go. Gained weight or not making much effort in your appearance. Thus drastically changing your husbands desire levels for you, causing resentment and will magnify other silly issues like house work.

2) Hes cheating on you. When someone finds a new interest, they almost always act out the way he is. All problems get magnified and blown up, lack of affection, resentment etc

3) Hes into something on a sexual level that he suspects or knows you'll never fulfill for him. We can deny our sexual urges for a long time, but eventually they build up and if they're not fulfilled/hes feeling trapped they will create resentment towards you. 

Men are for the most part, sexual creatures. If you're having a problem with a male, I'd look to sex as your first answer (like the 3 things I put out there). After you're 100% convinced its not this, then look elsewhere.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

coops said:


> My three guess based on what you've said is either one of, or a combination of all 3:
> 
> Either:
> 
> ...


Why is it HER fault if he is cold/distant? 

She might have not done anything - the issue might be his and his alone - ever thought of that?

By the many women who have posted that they're husbands aren't into sex, never have been or aren't now - maybe it's the husband that is the issue - not the wife. 

Based on what I've seen here on TAM, all men aren't sexual creatures - a well hidden statistic.

Men are really good at making their women feel like they are the problem and we are raised to want to fix everything so we tend to take issues and make them ours - but issues in a marriage usually always involve both the husband and the wife, it is very rarely ever one person.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Why is it HER fault if he is cold/distant?
> 
> She might have not done anything - the issue might be his and his alone - ever thought of that?
> 
> ...


Men are sexual creatures, using this board as some sort of example to say they aren't is silly. This board is filled with extreme cases of marriage, where resentment, anger and ill will have built up over the years. You have no idea what issues are in play, what behaviors the wife is exhibiting despite what is posted on this board. 

Of all these "Non sexual males", how many of them will turn down sex if a super model in lingerie appeared before them right now, that was ready and willing to have sex with them. Please.... these people need a dose of reality, not some contrived "I wish the world was this way" thinking. Men do not act or think like women. Stop pretending they do. 

You might think I'm horribly pro male, but go look at the threads by Jonny and others. I'm clearly pointing my finger at him to change despite how much he posts about his wifes *****y behaviors. 

You are right, the issues are both parties, however the only person that can change is the person who's posting here looking for advice. Since she is the only one she can control, I'm naturally going to look to say "Hey what can she change to improve this situation?"

Want another reality? people skew history based on how they're feeling now. If things were going great, she'd probably forget most of the bad stuff and talk about the good times. Since shes in a negative frame, all she can see are the bad times for 2.5 years. 

Keep in mind, the original poster probably is going to leave out negatives that make them look bad. Heck they might not even realize they're negatives until they're pointed out. Is she a nag? Does she tell stupid ass stories she told last week 100 times over and forget she told him? Is she grossly negative in all their interactions? And yes, how dare I say it, maybe she got comfortable and put on 60lbs in 2 years.

You have no idea, she could have been annoying the crap out of her husband, so yes, in this situation she should be looking at herself first cause shes the only one she can change. 

Either she wants to honestly evaluate the situation, do her best to find out whats going on and find a solution or shes just looking for people to tell her that her husband is a dead beat and its time to move on. 

I gave her what I think to be practical areas to consider and evaluate first. She wanted a males perspective on why her husband might be acting the way he is, and I gave her my opinion as a male. 

I stand by what I said, those are the 3 areas I would consider first. I just highly doubt all this resentment and anger is due to her not doing the dishes sometimes.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

coops said:


> Men are sexual creatures, using this board as some sort of example to say they aren't is silly. This board is filled with extreme cases of marriage, where resentment, anger and ill will have built up over the years. You have no idea what issues are in play, what behaviors the wife is exhibiting despite what is posted on this board.
> 
> Of all these "Non sexual males", how many of them will turn down sex if a super model in lingerie appeared before them right now, that was ready and willing to have sex with them. Please.... these people need a dose of reality, not some contrived "I wish the world was this way" thinking. Men do not act or think like women. Stop pretending they do.
> 
> ...


I honestly can't disagree with anything you've said. 

And it can take just ONE person in a marriage to change the dynamics.

She also asked for women's opinions too, hence the reason I'm here (since I'm a woman, I actually saw that in her post - ).

And there is no doubt in my mind, based on your post that you are definitely pro-male and that can sometimes skew your own responses. I am actually pro-marriage and do like to entertain issues from both sides - because there are always three sides to every story - yours, theirs and the truth which lies somewhere in the middle. 

And BTW, some men like pudgy women - that's why chub clubs exist...:smthumbup:


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## anonymous999 (Jan 6, 2011)

coops said:


> Men are sexual creatures, using this board as some sort of example to say they aren't is silly. This board is filled with extreme cases of marriage, where resentment, anger and ill will have built up over the years. You have no idea what issues are in play, what behaviors the wife is exhibiting despite what is posted on this board.
> 
> Of all these "Non sexual males", how many of them will turn down sex if a super model in lingerie appeared before them right now, that was ready and willing to have sex with them. Please.... these people need a dose of reality, not some contrived "I wish the world was this way" thinking. Men do not act or think like women. Stop pretending they do.
> 
> ...


i appreciate your frankness. 

in response, I have not let myself go. I am of average build and have stayed that way since high school, give or take a few pounds. I am not an unattractive person; that being said, I have NEVER been one to pay a ton of time to my appearance every morning like other women (I rarely wear makeup) and I tend to stay in my work uniform even at home, which is hardly attractive. that isn't something new, but i do understand how from a man's perspective, it can get old. i guess it doesn't hurt to pay more attention to your appearance, and i am willing to do anything if it makes a difference, so maybe i'll get that gym membership and put on something more appealing. honestly, i doubt it will make a difference with respect to my husband. even when I am dressed to the nines, my husband will notice but doesn't seem to care much. but maybe it will make me feel better. 

second, i do not suspect he is having an affair. this behavior of his has been going on since our engagement - it's nothing new, and i really have no hard or soft evidence he's cheating with another woman. if anything, he is cheating on me with his work and his family, who get all his attention, love, and curiosity. it's like he doesn't have room in his life for a wife after that, like he never needed a marriage to begin with and has no need to transition into one. (when he was visiting them once, and we were on the phone, something I said upset him and he hung up the phone on me. I called him back and he actually said -- "you're bothering us while we're having a good time, STOP calling us!")

aside --- it's actually very frustrating, because for so long he would tell his family EVERYTHING about our marriage and complain to them about me constantly. to their credit, they haven't brought it up with me and therefore i've not had to defend myself in front of them. but i worry that his constantly putting me down will make them not like me in the long run, and i feel like it speaks to a general lack of spousal respect. i asked him to set boundaries - our business should be our business - and he has very reluctantly agreed, though I'm pretty sure he still tells them whatever he wants. now, if we argue, he calls MY parents and tells them i'm being unreasonable, which worries them to no end, especially because they get no warning from me - i rarely discuss the intimate details of my marriage with others, including my family (excepting i guess this online forum). and then i have the awkward task of reassuring my parents that "everything is fine," when it really isn't.

third, i think his resentment is based on my following behaviors: not being more of a domestic goddess and organized housekeeper, procrastinating, and asking for affection (which he considers nagging). i don't consider asking for affection nagging-- there is only one thing i REALLY nag him about, and that's wearing his seat belt, which he never can remember to do. i am sure there is more if you ask him. so, i am not a perfect wife. i never claimed to be a saint. but my question was always, is not being a perfect wife in his eyes deserving of the way i am treated in return. 

i am more than open to ways to improve myself and i thank everyone for the wonderful suggestions, which i will employ, but as you alluded to, I would be lying to myself if I also didn't want my feelings validated. I feel so alone in this marriage and I guess I just want some support too. I dont deny that.


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