# What do I do?



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

As I approach my 14th year of marriage, I'm coming to a cross roads. And I'm not sure what to do. We have not had an "easy" marriage. We've used counseling on and off, and that has helped communication, but there continues to be issues that I fear will continue to get worse not better.

I have a trauma history (DV in my childhood home) so my self esteem is very low. I also must note that I've only ever dated my H, and he has been my only partner. I was 19 when we met, the beginning was intense, I was the center of his world. He treated me well. Totally opposite of what I saw as a child between my parents.

This continued until we got married. Once we were married the romantic I dated just disappeared. By year 3, I caught him in an online relationship and a porn addiction. I felt so betrayed. With some counseling we worked through it, though I just gave in out of fear of "failing" at marriage. Plus, he is all I've ever known and I'm terrified about being "without" him.

Most recently, he discovered he has wicked bad ADD and was put on meds for it, though it still impacts our daily life. He opened a business a few years ago and due to the stress and demands of it, I've become his roommate and business partner (aka sugar momma). For the past 4 ½ years I've paid all of the bills, put around $40G into the business/paying off debt, and he has no responsibility in the house. I try to cut him some slack about not being around ever (missed b-days, anniv, weddings, etc), but it has gotten old. In the last 2 our intimacy went out the door. I feel really rejected and am very lonely. 

This past summer after many ups and downs, I had a moment of clarity. When I work on myself, on building my self-esteem, I start to see how unhappy I am in our marriage. In September, after 4 months of doing a ton of self-care and therapeutic work, I decided to leave. I packed my bags and everything. However, when I told him, he begged me to stay. It was in the middle of an event at the business, so we never really talked about it. He did start doing more, taking care of more of his own day-to-day life, but it sporadically returns to the old way. 

I love him, but haven't been in love with him for several years. I know I'm participating in the lack of intimacy, I don't feel attracted to him, and I fear he isn't attracted to me. I feel stuck, I see so much more potential in my life, but feel contained due to financial strain of the business and the financial strain in our home life.

I work full time, go to school (Ph.D) ⅔ time, and do all of the home life. Thankfully we do not have children, just a dog. I'm busy too, but still make time to be home and do "family" stuff. 

I feel that his ADD and resulting self-centeredness is never going to change. Do I suck it up, accept him as he is, or do I look at the next options? Help!


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If you aren't happy, don't think you'll ever be happy, then I think it's simple and you know the answer.

If it's a money issue, put it the other way. Would you be ok if I paid you whatever money you owe to be as unhappy as you are? If the money isn't worth it that way to you, then it's not worth it the other way. You can figure something out financially. You deserve happiness. We all do. Don't sell yourself short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

Thanks, Hershel. I think part of my hesitation is that my H is well-liked and pretty popular in our community. Everyone sees the happy outgoing guy, they don't experience the man that comes home. So I'm worried that people will be judgmental, that my life will crumble. I guess I'm just scared.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's amazing how many people have representatives of themselves. Avatars so to speak. One way in public and another way at home. Is it cognitive? Are people aware of it? Does he know he is a schmoozer publicly but just well, what you described at home? 

I hear you about being scared. Everyone is. I have been divorced once and having issues in my current marriage and i worry about the reprucussions of what happens. But I won't let be my driving force. It's not about other people, it's about you. It doesn't have to be a nasty breakup. You could talk to him and say, if we make this amicable, nobody has to think of either of us in a negative way (undertand what I mean lazy porn addict)?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

He isn't the only one with a dual personality. If you ask anyone in my life, they'd say I'm happy and outgoing, when actually I'm usually depressed (clinical depression/anxiety) and I'm an introvert. My H says he likes me when I'm happy, which hurts because I would love nothing more than to be happy, but in order to get there, it may have to be without him.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

RachelM said:


> ...I decided to leave. I packed my bags and everything. However, when I told him, he begged me to stay....so we never really talked about it. He did start doing more, taking care of more of his own day-to-day life,* but it sporadically returns to the old way*.
> 
> I love him, but haven't been in love with him for several years.


It's the same story over, and over, and over again. 

1 - You know what you did wrong in that scenario, right? He _started_ changing then stopped. He saw you were bluffing. You need to really leave next time. Crush his world. THAT will get his attention.

2 - Had my wife left me when I was 33ish, I would be happy with someone else now. It would have crushed me, but I would have become a better man for it. How do I know? Because when she _accidentally_ notified me almost 20 years later, I got fixed. NO WAY was I going to treat someone I love like that EVER again. But it was too late. She was already gone. And I was too old to start over. He is not. YOU are not.

Please leave him a detailed letter describing why you left. Leave and go dark. If in 6 months you see he has REALLY changed, you can go back to him. But you are probably like all of the other WAW's. It's too late for both of you. But give it a try if you want.

You want out. It will crush him. But better he finds out early. He gets TWO benefits from that: it fixes him and he can start over. Please don't keep that from him. I was almost the same age as him while my wife was going through the same thing. 

If I could have ONE wish in life, it wouldn't be to go back and kill Hitler in 1921. It would be that my wife told me she didn't love me before it was too late to start over. Like right where you guys are right now.


----------



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> It's the same story over, and over, and over again.
> NO WAY was I going to treat someone I love like that EVER again. But it was too late. She was already gone. And *I was too old to start over. * He is not. YOU are not.
> 
> Please leave him a detailed letter describing why you left. Leave and go dark. If in 6 months you see he has REALLY changed, you can go back to him. But you are probably like all of the other WAW's. It's too late for both of you. But give it a try if you want.
> ...


Not to highjack the OP, but these posts are getting old. YOU are not too old to start over, you are just to big of a coward to start over. You should probably change your user name since there is nothing macho about a self pitying, broken, defeated man who has given up.

As to the OP, I feel badly for you and sincerely hope you find peace. From your posts you seem to know what you must do. You really do have only one life. If you are not happy, only you can make the changes needed to become happy. do not live your life to make others happy.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

You aren't happy and he isn't making any real attempts to help fix the marriage. Like you said, he starts to be more responsible and then goes back to the way he was. He doesn't think you will actually leave him! The only advice that I have for you is to keep going to therapy and get the self help, which is the most important thing right now. Get help, make yourself happy, regain your confidence and self esteem and talk with your counselor about your marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You need to ask yourself two questions:

Do I love this man like I want to be loved?

Is it possible I could ever love him again if he does x, y, z, and stops doing abc?

If both of these are no, then you should divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

How did you work on yourself and what self care have you done?

The reason I ask is that I see many weeds of co-dependence in your story. That is not uncommon with your FOO issues.

You have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and yet you place a lot of blame for your unhappiness at the feet of your H. I find that curious. 

I'm not saying that it isn't difficult to live with people with severe ADD, because it most certainly is, but if he is getting treated, is taking meds and working with you then the problems may be more with boundaries and enforcement. And that is on you.


----------



## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> You need to ask yourself two questions:
> 
> Do I love this man like I want to be loved?
> 
> ...


This is really good advice. OP you should absolutely ask yourself these questions. Look at the pros and cons of the relationship as it is now and look at the pros and cons if it were to get better. You can generally make a logical decision by doing that.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

RachelM said:


> He isn't the only one with a dual personality. If you ask anyone in my life, they'd say I'm happy and outgoing, when actually I'm usually depressed (clinical depression/anxiety) and I'm an introvert.


Do you hide who you are with your H or how your feeling? Do you bottle things up?

How are you communicating your concerns to him? 

Are you passive aggressive? 

Open and honest? 



RachelM said:


> My H says he likes me when I'm happy, which hurts because I would love nothing more than to be happy, but in order to get there, it may have to be without him.


It's clear you blame him for your unhappiness. I am sure he feels that. He is pretty much telling you that he feeds off your energy, so if it's mostly negative then he feels hopeless.

And the way you approach him is having an effect on him and how it is received.

I think you have a lot more to do with the current status of your marriage than you think you do.


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Tron said:


> Do you hide who you are with your H or how your feeling? Do you bottle things up?
> 
> How are you communicating your concerns to him?
> 
> ...





RachelM said:


> This continued until we got married. Once we were married the romantic I dated just disappeared. By year 3, I caught him in an online relationship and a porn addiction. I felt so betrayed. With some counseling we worked through it, though I just gave in out of fear of "failing" at marriage. Plus, he is all I've ever known and I'm terrified about being "without" him.
> 
> Most recently, he discovered he has wicked bad ADD and was put on meds for it, though it still impacts our daily life. He opened a business a few years ago and due to the stress and demands of it, I've become his roommate and business partner (aka sugar momma). For the past 4 ½ years I've paid all of the bills, put around $40G into the business/paying off debt, and he has no responsibility in the house. I try to cut him some slack about not being around ever (missed b-days, anniv, weddings, etc), but it has gotten old. In the last 2 our intimacy went out the door. I feel really rejected and am very lonely.



It could go the other way around and it is his behavior or both. Either way, perhaps he should stop being lazy and take some of the responsibilities to decrease her stress. All that she does, where is his own energy. She is depress herself, but she still takes care of the home, bills, and apparently his business as well. Could he just be using her. Keeping his business afloat, taking care of bills, cleaning cooking and all those wonderful things.

How about his past EA, I am sure that affected her as well in the self-esteem department.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

RachelM said:


> This continued until we got married. Once we were married the romantic I dated just disappeared. By year 3, I caught him in an online relationship and a porn addiction. I felt so betrayed. With some counseling we worked through it, though I just gave in out of fear of "failing" at marriage. Plus, he is all I've ever known and I'm terrified about being "without" him.
> 
> Most recently, he discovered he has wicked bad ADD and was put on meds for it, though it still impacts our daily life. He opened a business a few years ago and due to the stress and demands of it, I've become his roommate and business partner (aka sugar momma). For the past 4 ½ years I've paid all of the bills, put around $40G into the business/paying off debt, and he has no responsibility in the house. I try to cut him some slack about not being around ever (missed b-days, anniv, weddings, etc), but it has gotten old. In the last 2 our intimacy went out the door. I feel really rejected and am very lonely.


Yeah Mr.Fisty, I must have skipped over that. My bad! 

Sorry Rachel, 

Couple more questions, what happened 2 years ago when intimacy went out the door? 

Was it him? New secretary? Or was it you? Resentment?


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Tron said:


> Yeah Mr.Fisty, I must have skipped over that. My bad!
> 
> Sorry Rachel,
> 
> ...



No prob, with so many post, we skim a lot and miss out on the details. Happens to us all the time. Or, sometimes, it is on a another thread and the details are separated.

We read so many threads that sometimes we fill in the blank or gloss over details. Lol, I started to limit the number of threads I read and would mostly go to threads with low counts. Laziness on my part as I do not want to read pages and pages of details.


----------



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

It was him, stress of the business. He came home all hours of the night, was tired when he was home and did nothing but sit on the couch when he was there.This caused us marital issues, we are not connecting, communicating, or really living life as a couple. The stress of our marriage, the business, and my own schooling spiraled me into a pretty deep depression, so I didn't help the intimacy issue. 

I feel disrespected often. Like him coming home at 3am when he knows i have to be up in the morning. Having the energy to be at work (hanging out) but not having energy to be home with me, or to do anything around the house. 

I do feel like he means well. And I think another poster is right, this is on me. I've been doing some serious work on codependency, I'm reading the books, it is the focus of my therapy, and I'm doing workbooks on building self-esteem. I do keep my feelings bottled, I was raised with the fear of being angry or experiencing anger. I'm working on it. I prefer being numb than experiencing deep feeling. I know he picks up on that. He is very sensitive, in a good way, sometimes in an overwhelming way. 

I guess I have been expecting him to meet my needs when in reality, I should be meeting my own needs. I'm working on that. Clearly what sounds like the best option is to head back to marriage counseling. Thanks for the feedback, everyone.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

RachelM said:


> It was him, stress of the business. He came home all hours of the night, was tired when he was home and did nothing but sit on the couch when he was there.This caused us marital issues, we are not connecting, communicating, or really living life as a couple. The stress of our marriage, the business, and my own schooling spiraled me into a pretty deep depression, so I didn't help the intimacy issue.


You guys clearly have a whole lot on your plate. Just as clearly, you haven't prioritized each other. 

Long term, that's not healthy for a marriage.



RachelM said:


> I feel disrespected often. Like him coming home at 3am when he knows i have to be up in the morning. Having the energy to be at work (hanging out) but not having energy to be home with me, or to do anything around the house.


Resentment building for him not carrying his load, or not meeting your needs, or not being considerate. Your feelings are justified and understandable. He may not be doing this to you on purpose.



RachelM said:


> I do feel like he means well. And I think another poster is right, this is on me. I've been doing some serious work on codependency, I'm reading the books, it is the focus of my therapy, and I'm doing workbooks on building self-esteem.


I am encouraged that you feel like he means well. That's good. He may be trying like heck to make this business thing work and doing absolutely everything he can to make things happen. If after a good period of time it is still a financial drain though, or there isn't a light at the end of the tunnel, then he may need to call it quits. The sunk cost just doesn't justify continuing any further. Have you guys talked about this? 

Keep up the hard work in therapy!



RachelM said:


> I do keep my feelings bottled, I was raised with the fear of being angry or experiencing anger. I'm working on it. I prefer being numb than experiencing deep feeling. I know he picks up on that. He is very sensitive, in a good way, sometimes in an overwhelming way.


This is a common trait of victims of abuse and DV. But going through life numb ain't no way to live your life. 

I've read that ADD's are especially sensitive. I think he picks up on what is going on with you. I think that dealing with someone with depression and anxiety complicates things for him. 

I'd like to suggest that if he is gone a lot from home, if it isn't cheating then it may very well be because he is uncomfortable (even so far as "drained") by being around you when you are in your moods. He may subconsciously/consciously be avoiding you.



RachelM said:


> I guess I have been expecting him to meet my needs when in reality, I should be meeting my own needs. I'm working on that.


In this case I am going to disagree with you a bit. You are responsible for your own happiness, but in a marriage you have every right to expect your partner to make an effort to meet your needs, whatever those may be. 

It is always helpful to know what those are. There are a couple of books you guys could read together to figure out how best to do that. And communication is really important. 

But I hope you realize and understand that "100% follow-through" is not a strength for most folks with severe ADD. They will try hard, but in the end you may only get bits of what you need here and there; it's just the way they are wired. 

If that's not ok with you and you can't appreciate that, then you may simply be mismatched. 



RachelM said:


> Clearly what sounds like the best option is to head back to marriage counseling. Thanks for the feedback, everyone.


I almost always recommend counseling before making such a permanent and painful decision like divorce. And I'm not a therapist, I just like to play one on the internet. :grin2:

Hang in there Rachel. Come back if you want to chat.


----------



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

Thank you, Tron. I appreciate your words here!


----------



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Rachel,

You definitely sound like you still love your husband and aren't ready to pull the plug on the marriage. I think that he loves you, too, but has focused all his emotional energy on his business. That's a common trait in ADD-diagnosed people.

I am happily married to a severe-case ADD spouse. She gets lost in her singular-purpose issue many times...and gets incredibly frustrated if you "interrupt" her because she then completely loses her focus. She stays up until 3-4 in the morning doing things around the house many nights because that's when she has the most clarity and uninterruptions and distractions that she can't handle when the rest of the family is awake. She handles the distractions much better when she's on her meds, but off of them she just gets lost in the day's activities.

It sounds like your husband may suffer from some of the same traits as my wife. Late nights may not mean that he can't relate to you but that it may be the only time that he can actually get anything accomplished without the interruptions. His singular focus on work is another symptom of ADD because he can't handle focusing on more than one thing at a time. Get his meds correctly balanced, and you may find that he is a completely different person who can balance you and work well.

The thought about ADD is that it is an adolescent issue that you will eventually grow out of. I cannot disagree more because my wife has actually gotten more ADD the older that she has gotten. I've learned to adapt to her ways and she understands her problem and tries to not let it get to her too much. High stress events really compound the issue and is when the meds are needed the most.

It used to really bother me that she wanted so much alone time. But, I now realize that she NEEDS that time and it has nothing to do with me. When she's had the time to "breathe" then she is very affectionate and tender with me. But, if not provided the space that she needs she just feels like she is being suffocated and crawls into a shell to cope.

Ever seen anyone mow the lawn, work in the flower beds, put out lawn fertilizer at 3 a.m.? That's fairly common for my wife to do. Fortunately, we live out in the country with no surrounding neighbors to wake. Have flood-lights all around the house so that she can "do her thing" during the wee hours of the night. Kind of makes me sound bad, but she WANTS and NEEDS that time to herself and doesn't want me to do it for her. She doesn't work outside the home so that is her release (and working late nights may be your husband's).

That being said, your husband still needs a wake-up call that you are his primary focus. Give him the space he needs to deal with his ADD issues, but don't let it consume him. You need him to focus on you and your needs. Let him know that and make him understand that you want to give him space but not at the complete exclusion of you.


----------



## RachelM (Mar 31, 2016)

To autopilot---
Yes, I know that his ADD is a large part of his behavior. I've read the books, I've spoken to his psychiatrist. He was doing ADD coaching for a long time (very expensive) and he focused his work on managing a business with ADD. We recently had to stop that coaching due to the expense of it. 

It would be one thing if he was up late at night working, but he isn't. He's drinking beer with friends (we own a bar/brewery). I have tried to not use his ADD as a blaming tool, but I feel like the meds aren't working and he is suffering from anxiety due from the amount of amphetamines he has to take every day (lord, knows if I took that much I'd be cleaning my house with a toothbrush!) 

An example of his behavior is like today, I'm out of town at a meeting, he told me yesterday he'd call me last night. He didn't. In fact it is now 1:30pm the next day and there is no call/text/email, nada. Just reminds me that he isn't thinking about me. He told me once he see life through a tube (used the paper towel tube to illustrate). He told me that if it isn't at the end of the tube, he doesn't see it, and if he doesn't see it he isn't thinking about it. Well, he married a person that doesn't want to waive her arms for attention at the end of the tube. So there's that.


----------



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Rachel,

You've addressed a bigger issue IMHO. The fact that you own a bar isn't a problem but the fact that he's using that as his time to "let loose" is a big problem. It sounds like he's using his ADD problem as a crux to the freedom he feels when he's having a good time at the bar or wherever else he might be. Add to that blaming his ADD behavior on lack of responsibility and accountability to you and that's a huge issue.

My wife does not act like that towards me at all. She takes a pretty high dosage of Adderall and even when not taking the meds or taking a half dosage (she likes to make them last as long as possible) she still puts me first in her life. She does not use her affliction as a scape-goat and neither should your husband.

Put your foot down and give him a good dose of reality by explaining your expectations from him and the result if he's not willing to change. Be ready to follow through on whatever those results are (so gear up for the worst case scenario and be prepared to execute it). We all have our faults but learn to deal with them. He needs to grow up and do the same.


----------

