# Does your spouse do this?



## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

My DH consistently texts me all day complaining about his day or how tired/such he feels. It's something he's done a long time and we've discussed in therapy. 

Just wondering.., is this pretty common? He's 41 and only works 3 hours a day and watches our son after school.
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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

What are you looking for by starting this thread? I think we've covered pretty thoroughly in the other thread that your husband has some serious issues. How much venting is enough? At what point does it become counterproductive?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Sorry, I was just trying to separate my issues to get feedback on this particular issue. 



John Lee said:


> What are you looking for by starting this thread? I think we've covered pretty thoroughly in the other thread that your husband has some serious issues. How much venting is enough? At what point does it become counterproductive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband only complain about his day? or does he also ask you how you are doing?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Don't get me wrong, it sounds irritating, and it's probably not that common. But what do you get from learning that? You already know it irritates you. Now someone has told you that it's probably not very common. Does that make you feel better? Does it give you a strategy to deal with your marriage? Or does it just give you more ammunition to sit around feeling frustrated with your situation?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I think it makes me feel less guilty about wanting out.... To be honest. 

And elegirl he will often bombard me with negativity. He will ask how I am. I usually say fine... Worked hard or tired. He will ALWAYS try to one up me. He's always worse. 



John Lee said:


> Don't get me wrong, it sounds irritating, and it's probably not that common. But what do you get from learning that? You already know it irritates you. Now someone has told you that it's probably not very common. Does that make you feel better? Does it give you a strategy to deal with your marriage? Or does it just give you more ammunition to sit around feeling frustrated with your situation?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Less guilty about "wanting" out is good, if you're actually planning on getting out. But if that's what you really want, you have to take a concrete step at some point. Talk to a lawyer. Do some reseach. Make a plan. Figure out how to protect yourself and how to extricate yourself in the least harmful way to all. I wouldn't blame you in the SLIGHTEST for wanting out of your marriage, from what you've described, but you eventually have to make up your mind about it.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I read about a study that said even just making your plans makes you feel more positive. Even if the plans are iffy, or might take awhile... it's better in your MIND to have a plan. 

Do your homework. If you can't afford an attorney, get online and research the divorce, separation, child custody and support laws in your state. THEN you will have a mental picture and can formulate a plan to leave. 

You really have two choices..... 1 = Stay and deal with it 2 = CHANGE it. Period.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

In response to the OP original question.

Yes my wife often tells me all the things that have gone wrong in her day (normally just bad traffic / naughty kids) and she seems to be happier for getting it off of her chest. She is a bit "glass half empty" were as I am the opposite so we do balance each other out.

I make a conscious effort to separate work and home but if I have had a hard day I like to drop the roof on the car and take a longer route home to allow myself to chill. My wife works from home so does not have this option so I will accept her venting to me when I get in.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

In 14 years I've been married I've only heard my husband complain once or twice about something when he's in a not so good mood. I don't know how he stays so positive. I try not to complain to him, but some days I can't help it.(I live in severe chronic pain).:/


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You said its something that's been discussed in therapy. What has the therapist said about all
the complaining? Has the therapist offered any suggestions to you on how to handle it?
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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

The therapist was trying to help me establish boundaries, because he tends to text me all kinds of complaints... While he knows that I am at a lunch date with a girlfriend or busy at work. 

He knows that my office is around many other people and he continuously calls me at work and will ask me questions about my co workers... Things I can't share on the phone at that time. I will say "sorry, I'm at work right now, I'll tell you later". He will get a tone and say I can't believe your office is that small! And ask more questions. This happens at least 3 times a week. My response is always the same. And it clearly isn't working.., despite the fact it was instructed to me by the therapist. 

Yesterday he was texting because he was angry the neighbor kid came over and he kept texting about each issue. I ignored them all, but I still heard it after I came home for a dinner break. 





trey69 said:


> You said its something that's been discussed in therapy. What has the therapist said about all
> the complaining? Has the therapist offered any suggestions to you on how to handle it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Do you have caller ID? Don't answer. Turn off your text notification and only check once an hour. Can't do that due to kids? Glance to see the content and then ignore. Tell him you aren't going to reply to any text with negative content. Ask him to tell you one good thing for every negative thing he says. Maybe that will train him to look on the bright side - worth a try.

Personally I don't tolerate negativity well and tend to come back with a positive to every negative until they get exasperated and give up and go away or stop complaining.

Kids are over there? isn't it great our son has friends?
Noisy? Isn't that youthful exuberance energizing?
Fighting? Isn't it interesting how they learn to settle disagreements?
Sick? Aren't you glad to at least be able to rest at home?
Sick at work: I know you're glad you'll only have to work four more hours until you can relax. Or So glad you took those meds - think how bad you would feel if you hadn't!

I'd stop sharing about co-workers. Really, are their lives that interesting? Is there really that much drama that there are things you can't share aloud? Yes, Tina is planning her wedding. Marie's pregnancy is going well - I'll let her know you asked! No, Tom is not going to the game this weekend. 

I mean, if it's personal let it stay personal. Anything else be able to reply aloud.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Yes, those positive responses are what I try to do.., if I respond at all. But he will always counteract it... With negative. 

I try! I was just wondering if that kinda thing was typical among couples. I can tell you no matter how much I ignore... Just knowing it has happened... Gets to me. I try... But it only fuels my negative opinion of him...

As for personal stuff... I meant more to the effect of... Did so and so get fired? Or what did your boss say about xyz. The thing is he used to work in my profession... So he likes to try to stay in the know. 



EnjoliWoman said:


> Do you have caller ID? Don't answer. Turn off your text notification and only check once an hour. Can't do that due to kids? Glance to see the content and then ignore. Tell him you aren't going to reply to any text with negative content. Ask him to tell you one good thing for every negative thing he says. Maybe that will train him to look on the bright side - worth a try.
> 
> Personally I don't tolerate negativity well and tend to come back with a positive to every negative until they get exasperated and give up and go away or stop complaining.
> 
> ...


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## easy_e (Sep 11, 2013)

Does he know this bothers you so much?

Why does it bother you so much? Do you think he's checking up on you?

Is it possible he feels insecure about his position and staying home with the kids?

Surely he must have a reason for doing this.....ask him?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

At some point, it's not that productive to think about what is "typical" among couples. Are you looking for a "typical" marriage or a good one? As I have made clear in this thread and the other thread, I think your marriage has a lot of problems, and I think a lot of them are related to problems with your husband as a person. But at the same time, is there some checklist somewhere that says what we are or aren't entitled to in a spouse? No, there's only what you want and what you don't, what you can tolerate and what you can't. This behavior bothers YOU, so it doesn't matter what's "typical." The focus should not be what other husbands do, rather it should be: why does this bother me? Why does he do it? Would he stop if I tried to explain why it bothers me? Is it a symptom of something else? Is this something I'm willing to put up with or not? Do I want to stay with this man or leave him?

I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but you have limited options -- you can figure out how to cope with the behavior, you can try to change it, or you can leave. You have a tendency to talk about your marriage as though a good marriage is something that should just fall into your lap, and you're resentful that it hasn't worked out that way, like the man you chose to marry is just some unfairness visited upon you by fate. Try to stop thinking about it that way and start thinking about what you actually have the power to do.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

I understand and I think you are absolutely correct. I DO Need to decide. It isn't easy...when you have a child and realize that you will have to pay alimony... 

Today, I really tried to get him to get him to sit down and talk about the finances. I asked him for an estimate on his income...so we could make a budget. He said he couldn't even give me an estimate. Then, he said that he needs to buy equipment...to grow his business. He needs about 7500 to 10k to do this...(he's currently renting equip). 

I said..maybe you can get an sba loan? He said he wants to ask his parents for money now. They are both in their 70s...working ..Mom had breast cancer twice. She makes 30k as a teacher and his dad doesn't have a strong income. They are just preparing for retirement. I said I didn't think that was a good idea...

He said well, then I guess I will just have to get a corporate job...I said...okay...if you can't sustain your current income, I think that's wise. He immediately went back to asking his parents for money....so he didn't have to. 

I don't know what he will do....but, all I know is that I have to fend for myself... I need to get my own side business going...and get myself (our family) out of this hole. I don't think my husband is going to make that happen.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

mega1 said:


> I understand and I think you are absolutely correct. I DO Need to decide. It isn't easy...when you have a child and realize that you will have to pay alimony...


Oh absolutely, it's not easy. And I don't think it would be a bad idea to see if you can find a lawyer who will just consult with you briefly, so you can get a better idea of what you'd actually be looking at. It might be less scary than you think. It really depends what state you're in, but there might be factors that would count in your favor with regard to any alimony payments, e.g. the fact that you took the bankruptcy hit, the fact that he isn't really making an effort to get better work even though he's capable, etc. I'm not telling you to leave or stay, but it might help you to get a concrete idea of what you'd be in for, so it stops being this big, scary, anxiety-producing thing. Sorry if I've been overly harsh and I do feel for you in what you're going through.


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

No it's good feedback. To be honest, I started with a therapist who seems to be trying to coach/support me to leave... And I've already gotten scared of the pressure. I need to stick with it. 

Truth is.. My husnand "accidentally" kicked our son (when he was 4) in the ribs and knocked the wind out of him. I thought he broke his rib. It happened when my son was bouncing around and accidentally hit my husnand in the groin. My husband said it was a "reflex" I went to therapy back then ....to get clarity and basically realized it was not just an accident. It was his angry reflex. I felt I HAD to leave at that point and my therapist was there to point it out. But I backed down... Sent him to anger management therapy and stayed.., 

What I'm trying to say is I obviously have trouble drawing the line. There's obviously something wrong with me.., as a mother... If I couldn't put my child's safety ahead of my fears. I DID get him to therapy and I haven't seen that kind of behavior since... But I recognize that he is still the same person. 

So I have to work on my co dependency. And I often find myself wanting an EA or even an affair to lure me out of the marriage... Making me feel safer... I know that's insane... But I think a lot of people fall into that trap.... 




John Lee said:


> Oh absolutely, it's not easy. And I don't think it would be a bad idea to see if you can find a lawyer who will just consult with you briefly, so you can get a better idea of what you'd actually be looking at. It might be less scary than you think. It really depends what state you're in, but there might be factors that would count in your favor with regard to any alimony payments, e.g. the fact that you took the bankruptcy hit, the fact that he isn't really making an effort to get better work even though he's capable, etc. I'm not telling you to leave or stay, but it might help you to get a concrete idea of what you'd be in for, so it stops being this big, scary, anxiety-producing thing. Sorry if I've been overly harsh and I do feel for you in what you're going through.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

mega1 said:


> Truth is.. My husnand "accidentally" kicked our son (when he was 4) in the ribs and knocked the wind out of him. I thought he broke his rib. It happened when my son was bouncing around and accidentally hit my husnand in the groin. My husband said it was a "reflex" I went to therapy back then ....to get clarity and basically realized it was not just an accident. It was his angry reflex. I felt I HAD to leave at that point and my therapist was there to point it out. But I backed down... Sent him to anger management therapy and stayed..,
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry to gum up the works for you at all, but my dad did the exact same thing to me when I was three or four. I punched him in the groin and he knocked me over. And frankly, he was a great dad and a great breadwinner for my family, so I think this one incident was forgiveable -- yeah, it was an anger response. Yeah, he did overreact. But he was a person of great character overall. And having been hit in the groin my share of times, I can kind of see how it happened. Is your son's "safety" really at risk here? You say he never did anything like that again, so I don't get the sense that's really the issue. I don't hear you saying that you have a physically abusive spouse who is endangering your son, correct me if I'm wrong. Why add that kind of exaggerated drama when you have more than enough real issues?


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## mega1 (Sep 20, 2013)

Well, the truth is he did exhibit that kind of behavior frequently before that incident. Any time he was accidentally stepped on or pinched...he would be violent with our son. He would push him abruptly or force him backwards. I think therapy helped and also my strict response...

But yeah you are correct... It's not an issue now. I certainly have a billion other things to worry about. 




John Lee said:


> I'm sorry to gum up the works for you at all, but my dad did the exact same thing to me when I was three or four. I punched him in the groin and he knocked me over. And frankly, he was a great dad and a great breadwinner for my family, so I think this one incident was forgiveable -- yeah, it was an anger response. Yeah, he did overreact. But he was a person of great character overall. And having been hit in the groin my share of times, I can kind of see how it happened. Is your son's "safety" really at risk here? You say he never did anything like that again, so I don't get the sense that's really the issue. I don't hear you saying that you have a physically abusive spouse who is endangering your son, correct me if I'm wrong. Why add that kind of exaggerated drama when you have more than enough real issues?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Hmm ok, I see your point. Either way, good luck, and keep up the "work" -- this is going to take a good amount of it. Best wishes to you.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

mega1 said:


> The therapist was trying to help me establish boundaries, because he tends to text me all kinds of complaints...* While he knows that I am at a lunch date with a girlfriend or busy at work.
> 
> He knows that my office is around many other people and he continuously calls me at work and will ask me questions about my co workers... Things I can't share on the phone at that time. I will say "sorry, I'm at work right now, I'll tell you later". He will get a tone and say I can't believe your office is that small! *And ask more questions. This happens at least 3 times a week. My response is always the same. And it clearly isn't working.., despite the fact it was instructed to me by the therapist.
> 
> ...


Your husband is psycho. anyone who makes it difficult for their partner to earn a living is just plain crazy...... since your income benefits him and his child. What would he prefer? That you not work so you can take his calls all the time?

Don't forget to mention that to your lawyer. 

I have a mother who gets off on being negative. And then I thought it was ok to be that way as well. And then I got out into the real world and learned that many people (including my EX husband) don't put up with that.

I learned to control my own impulses and I have also learned to get other people's (like my mother's) negative impulses under control at least when they are around me. 

If anything, getting your husband to control his own emotions will be a favor to him whether you stay with him or not.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Since I've said some seemingly critical things, I would also like to say some positive things here, because you are doing very admirably. You are making it possible for your family to have a roof over your heads and food on the table, even while it feels like your husband is actively working against you. That's very hard to do, and you're doing it. So you must have a lot of strength. I think you can call on that strength to get yourself to the next step, whether that be divorce or not. You will survive on your own if you leave your husband, and you will make it work financially -- who knows, it may even become easier without him dragging you down. Don't forget that while you might have to make "payments" if you split, you already ARE putting that money into the family, you already ARE the one earning it, so it's not like that would change. But a lawyer can give you better advice on this than I can.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

mega1 said:


> Yes, those positive responses are what I try to do.., if I respond at all. But he will always counteract it... With negative.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Have you tried responding to his negative messages with your own negative messages? I ask because if somebody says something I consider 'too positive' I will produce a' negative' response but if they say something' negative', I will generally say something 'positive'. I guess some might think I am perverse but I think of it as me trying to 'balance' the conversation, so if someone is gloomy I try to cheer them up but if they are 'too cheerful' , I aim to bring them back down to earth. Maybe I am just a pain in the neck!



So if he says 'my day has been awful because.....' you could say 'yes, life sucks does it not?' It could shake him into being more positive.


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