# What to do next about our very infrequent sex life.



## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

I am at a bit of a stumbling block. My wife and I are both 46 and we have been married for about two years. Before we got married we had a discussion about her being LD (partially due to depression medication), the fact that she has only had one orgasm her entire life and what we could expect as far as frequency of sex in our marriage. We both agreed that four times a month would be great and anything beyond that would be gravy. As of September of last year we have had sex three times in seven months and when we did have sex it was very lack luster. She does not seem to be interested in foreplay at all especially when I try to do things that I consider normal like touching her breasts and vagina or performing oral sex on her (strangely enough she has no problem performing it on me). Almost every time we have set aside time or “schedule sex” she was either exhausted or her stomach wasn’t feeling good. At one point last year she thought that he was premenopausal but I think that we have ruled that out. Then in February of this year she was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer. She had surgery in mid-March and has recovered very well. She knows that the frequency hasn’t been good and has apologized to me for not being a “good wife”. I have told her that she is fine and does not need to worry about it because it will happen when it happens and the last thing that I would ever want is for her to feel that it was her duty as my wife. So my problem is that I want the frequency to improve and would like to broaden what we do when we have sex but I do not want to be callous or make her feel bad.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Read "married man sex life primer" it really helped me. My wife is getting much of her sex drive back.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> I have told her that she is fine and does not need to worry about it because it will happen when it happens and the last thing that I would ever want is for her to feel that it was her duty as my wife


Fair warning...be the nice guy at your peril. It certainly is her duty as your wife.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> Fair warning...be the nice guy at your peril. It certainly is her duty as your wife.


Yes, yes, yes!! Bingo you are the winner!


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

To me this doesn't sound like anything you are doing wrong. Your wife basically told you she was LD before you got married and then she had cancer. That in itself is a major scary life event that had to take a physical toll.

Your wife needs to find something that turns her on. Would she be open to reading some sexy stories the day when you schedule sex? I know that for me the physical stuff is nice, but arousal is really mostly mental. If she's going into the encounter thinking she's not going to enjoy it, she probably won't (which it kind of sounds like since she makes excuses). Or there are some xrated podcasts that my husband and I have listened to together before. Maybe that would rev her engine---as would her preparing that day by getting her nails done, etc...doing something that makes HER FEEL sexy.

Last, I don't know if you indulge, but maybe some wine or a little pot. The latter does wonders for me because I'm often really in my head and also increases pleasurable sensations 10 fold.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Oh, I didn't even notice that she's only had 1 orgasm in her whole life...No wonder sex isn't so fun. She doesn't orgasm? Does she have a vibrator? If she was having orgasms that would probably encourager her to fool around more!


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

Cre8ify said:


> Fair warning...be the nice guy at your peril. It certainly is her duty as your wife.


I understand what you are saying but I would prefer it to be because she wants to not because she feels like she has to.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

2ndmarriage said:


> I understand what you are saying but I would prefer it to be because she wants to not because she feels like she has to.


I was in the same boat your in today. You can make her want it. I did. She can't deny biology. Read MMSL. I would like to thank all those that told me the same thing.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

If you attract her she will want you. At the moment you are not. Its not that hard...but not intuitive.


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> Oh, I didn't even notice that she's only had 1 orgasm in her whole life...No wonder sex isn't so fun. She doesn't orgasm? Does she have a vibrator? If she was having orgasms that would probably encourager her to fool around more!


I don't think that she has a vibrator but I have entertained the idea of introducing something small and not so intimidating as some. She is not into pornography of any type but the idea of her having her nails done or something along those lines may be good.


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## 2ndmarriage (Jan 23, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I was in the same boat your in today. You can make her want it. I did. She can't deny biology. Read MMSL. I would like to thank all those that told me the same thing.


I will check it out. Thanks


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

Lionlady said:


> If she was having orgasms that would probably encourager her to fool around more!


If only it were that simple. My wife only had a handful of orgasms in her entire life prior to us meeting. Now 20 years later, she can have a handful of orgasms in 5 minutes. It has done nothing to improve her libido.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

So your wife is LD due to previous cancer, meds for depression and has never had more than 1 orgasm.

I would have flowers waiting for her first thing in the morning when she gets up. Surprise. Nice romantic card too.

I would have dinner ready before she gets home or order in something nice and surprise her.

Give her an oil massage, back and then front.

Rub her feet, foot massage.

Don't be a nice guy but don't be a total jerk either. Just stand your ground and don't take any crap and be decisive and lead.

Cuddle with her a lot and listen to her days, not trying to solve her issues, hard one for me.

If you want sex say all the time HD and she is LD, have a 3x per week sex compromise worked out. 2x during the work week quickies and a long marathon sex session on the weekend.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> So your wife is LD due to previous cancer, meds for depression and has never had more than 1 orgasm.
> 
> I would have flowers waiting for her first thing in the morning when she gets up. Surprise. Nice romantic card too.
> 
> ...


Perfect. First, you tell her that it's OK when it really isn't...so you lie to her. Then, when she doesn't change (because you told her she doesn't have to) you reward her behavior by bringing her flowers and buying her dinner. Yes, this website is just chock full of guys who have taken that approach and become overwhelmed by the amount of sex they're getting. Perhaps you should double up on cooking and cleaning duties as well. That always seems to work.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

She doesn't need something small. She needs this. Hitachi Magic Wand.

Hitachi Massager, Magic Wand - Walmart.com

What about a romance novel? It's not porn. It's romance. LOL.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Those things are nice, but would not make me want sex. I also disagree that it's so much about attraction to your husband. I mean...yes...that helps. But most of the time when I'm not in the mood it has very little to do with how I feel about my husband and much more to do with how I feel about myself.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Make it risky for her not to have sex with you.

Make it risk-free for her to have sex with you.

Like Lionlady says, make her feel like a goddess of love.


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

I don't think her attraction to you, vibrators or making your wife feel good about herself is going to increase her desire for sex.
One orgasm in her whole life. She doesn't appear to have much desire or need.

What you consider 'normal' foreplay isn't going to be appreciated by someone who doesn't have a normal need.
However your w is prepared to do things to you.

She made an agreement of 4 x month, but that was derailed understandably by a health issue.
When her health is ok, can you remind her of the original agreement and how important it is to you?
I don't think that is being callous at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Make it risky for her not to have sex with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

How about being direct?

I asked my husband what we were going to do after we finished running errands this Saturday. He responded - "We'll go home, make dinner, finish the laundry, watch Game of Thrones, then I will f*ck you."

I may be weird, but the fact that he said it so matter-of-fact like that was hot. 

It's good to be sensitive, but you also have to call her out on her sh!t sometimes. That's part of what being married is about...communicating your needs and telling the other person when they are being a butthole. That includes telling her she's slacking on the agreement you both made. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

kag123 said:


> How about being direct?...It's good to be sensitive, but you also have to call her out on her sh!t sometimes. That's part of what being married is about...communicating your needs and telling the other person when they are being a butthole. That includes telling her she's slacking on the agreement you both made.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This does works on me.. after the birth of my son, I was so preoccupied on the joy of being a father, and I assumed that my wife is in "mommy" mode too.. I am LD, so it's been an assumption made of convenience. Then a year passed, and my wife couldn't take it anymore, so she actually yelled at me, expressing her disapproval for not having sex for so long. Mind you, we're Asians, so this expression of anger is a bit unusual. But it served its purposes, these days I won't let my LDness gets the better of me ever again. With constant exercise, correct food supplements and self-hypnosis, we're having a fairly regular sex life (3 to 4 times a month).


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

2ndmarriage said:


> she has only had one orgasm her entire life


Wow!!! Well, then you knew she had issues going in. I can't even imagine this.



> She does not seem to be interested in foreplay at all especially when I try to do things that I consider normal like touching her breasts and vagina or performing oral sex on her (strangely enough she has no problem performing it on me).


That sounds like she has major self-esteem issues. She is so insecure about her body that she doesn't want you seeing it or touching it. She's got to fix her insecurities before she can fix her sex life.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cre8ify said:


> Fair warning...be the nice guy at your peril. It certainly is her duty as your wife.


Exactly!

Your response should have been something like "yes, I've known we have a problem with that, and I'm glad you are owning up to it. Now, we need to figure out how to get to a place where you are holding up your end of our agreement".

It's not enough to say "sorry". My ex played that angle and then expected me to let it slide, as in "I thought I would be into it, but I see that I'm not, and it's not reasonable to hold me to that agreement". That obviously should not be tolerated.

What you have is the classic "bait and switch". She made an express agreement for sex with you, then knowingly has refused to honor it (she admits being a "bad wife"). You need to insist she fix her issues and work on honoring her agreement. If she refuses, you do a 180 and start cold-shouldering her until she sees the light.

It's that simple.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

who's taking the depression meds? If it's your wife, she probably has zero libido and never thinks about sex. Until the depression is solved, there won't be very much sex.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

2ndmarriage said:


> I understand what you are saying but I would prefer it to be because she wants to not because she feels like she has to.


I think you are missing the point. You are not pushing her to have sex because she feels she has to or you will leave. You don't want that because it will lead to her going through the motions and trying to get away with as little as possible.

Rather, you are pushing her to resolve whatever hang-ups she has so that she can ideally begin to enjoy sex, and then let that increased enjoyment lead to an increase in frequency. At a minimum, you want her to see sex as a positive, so that she can at least cheerfully meet her commitment as a sign of respect for you and the marriage even if she does not want it for herself.

Only having orgasmed once in her life is not normal - neither is making commitments then not meeting them nor looking to avoid sex. That is what you are trying to fix.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Seems to me there are important medical reasons which are being overlooked...


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are so nice. You don't want her to feel bad if she does not want to have sex. So when she apologizes you tell her don't worry about it...You gave her a free pass and now wonder how you can fix it?

That was a major mistake.


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