# D-Day....yesterday.



## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

My wife and I have been together for over 4 years. Married for 2. 

My wife and I have been going through some issues over the past month. I found out about her flirting/emailing a coworker, then confiding in him the beginning of july. After going through the hard EA rollercoaster, i thought we were coming out of it well together. 

Without getting into the reasons she was doing what she was doing, I learned on my own that one of the things I had always been doing that was poisoning my marriage was being extremely jealous/controlling. So I made a conscious effort to give her space so she didnt feel like a prisoner anymore. Was hard, but I knew I needed to back off some if this was going to work. Seemed like it was....

She is close friends with her ex and I knew about this. Had no problem with it. She was forthcoming everytime they talked, never lied to me about it, showed me all their messages, ect. Last week, I allowed her to go hangout with him. I figured he was respectful of our marriage from what i gathered. This was a mistake.

When they got together, the communication issues they had when they were a couple were gone. There was no pressure since they both knew she was married. So they began to come clean with all of the unresolved feelings they had for each other. 

This weekend I was out of town and they met Saturday morning for brunch. An awkward moment turned into a passionate kiss which turned into a day of sex. I found out yesterday afternoon after stumbling upon a journal entry in her laptop. She is now highly confused and doesnt know what she wants. She obviously still loves him and alluded to such.

I told her we needed time apart so she can decide what she really wants. Shes currently telling me she trying to do some soul-searching to figure out if she can be the wife i deserve. She says she should be giving me 100% of herself and if she cant, then she shouldnt be in the picture. I respect that, but I still love her very much and want to make it work somehow. I know she loves me too and is sorry and didnt mean for this to happen....I also hope she realizes what we have and what she stands to lose. 

Im trying to prep myself for the worst, but its so difficult....shes my world. Cant imagine being without her....but I suppose I have to now understand that may be a possibility and come to terms with it. Trying to be optimistic.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this. And you're taking a very well balanced and mature approach to this.

Could it be that maybe your past behaviour of jealousy was coming from a sense that she could do something like this to you? I'm a big fan of gut feelings. Perhaps your subconcious was telling you something?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Truthfully itchee I see so many red flags within YOUR actions it`s kinda scary.




itchee said:


> Without getting into the reasons she was doing what she was doing, I learned on my own that one of the things I had always been doing that was poisoning my marriage was being extremely jealous/controlling. So I made a conscious effort to give her space so she didnt feel like a prisoner anymore.


First major mistake.
during a reconciliation after your wife had an EA is not the time to "give her space" and lay off taking control.
It`s the time to show her she`s earned no space and you will be kept apprised of what she`s doing when where why and with who. 



> She is close friends with her ex and I knew about this.


Another major mistake!
Rule #1 in any relationship (including this one if it survives)
No intentional contact with any Ex anywhere anytime for any reason.



> Had no problem with it.


Wrong.
It was a major problem you were just unaware it was one and I have trouble seeing how any spouse would think contact with an Ex wash`t a problem.



> Last week, I allowed her to go hangout with him. I figured he was respectful of our marriage from what i gathered. This was a mistake.


Dude 
Why would anyone allow their wife to "hang out with an Ex"?



> When they got together, the communication issues they had when they were a couple were gone. There was no pressure since they both knew she was married. So they began to come clean with all of the unresolved feelings they had for each other.


This is why Rule #1 is NC with any Ex ever, anywhere for eternity.
There is already an emotional connection that can so easily turn physical when in contact.
There`s no courting needed, no "getting to know you" required first.
It`s a fast lane to a PA.



> I told her we needed time apart so she can decide what she really wants.


So she can decide what she really wants?
Why give her the power.
You`ve just left her wide open with all the time and space in the world to go on ****ing the Ex while she "decides what she really wants".
SHE DOESN`T GET TO DECIDE!!
YOU DO!!
You tell her what it`s going to take for you to continue in this relationship if she can`t accept that then she can move on with the Ex



> .....but I still love her very much and want to make it work somehow. I know she loves me too and is sorry and didnt mean for this to happen....I also hope she realizes what we have and what she stands to lose.


Yes, yes she DID mean for it to happen.
Do you mean to say that she accidentally keep tripping and falling on this guys penis and that`s how "they spent the day having sex"/
How did she not mean for this to happen?
Sex is never an accident.It`s ALWAYS intentional.



> Im trying to prep myself for the worst, but its so difficult....shes my world. Cant imagine being without her....but I suppose I have to now understand that may be a possibility and come to terms with it. Trying to be optimistic.


If you keep acting like a doormat you will be without her.
Check out the 180 and stiffen your spine/self-respect.


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## disappointed123 (Jul 26, 2011)

A wayward will always tell you that you are 'controlling' if you spy on them and find something that is adulterous.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have this backwards---this is not about what she wants---this is about what you want

She knew full well, what she was doing when she went thru stop sign, after stop sign ---she agreed to meet, she flirted, she kissed, she went with him somewhere to have sex, they had foreplay, they had sex, they did it not just once, for a couple of hours, but for a whole figging day---AND WHEN DID THIS ALL OCCUR---WHEN SHE KNEW YOU HER INNOCENT LOVING H. WAS OUT OF TOWN

She planned, decieved, manipulated, lied, demonized, and connived----THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHAT SHE WANTS

If you want to R., you lay it out to her, hard, and tuff, with heavy boundaries, and actionable consequences----otherwise, why would even want to look at your wife, much less touch her, or talk to her.

She has taken a carefree person, that had peace of mind, and a good life, and destroyed it---she has stabbed you thru your heart---she didn't even think twice about it---you are basically just a nothing to her----how do you love someone like that??????


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't wait for her to 'decide' if she'll choose you. If you do that, she will spend the next 50 years 'deciding' if you're good enough for her.

Tell her that you are going to give her ONE chance ONLY to cut off ties with ex and any other men with whom she is friends away from you, or that you're going to file. It's the only chance you have to save the marriage.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You have to read the 180 and adopt most of the principles.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list

She has you right where she wants you. She is in a position of strength and you are in a position of weakness. You can't live without her and she gets to decide how much she is willing to commit to you.

Stand up for yourself. Women are attracted to strong men much more than they are attracted to non-threatening jellyfish who give them all the time and space they request to figure out whether they're done banging their ex or not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do not beg for your marriage, this will empower her to sit on the fence even longer.
Be confident that you can move on with out her, if she chooses to sit on the fence.
Don't cry its not attractive, right now you want to be as attractive as you can in her eyes and any weakness will prevent this.
You have alot of hard work infront of you so do the research and read up.
I'm a big fan of "After the Affair" by Janis A. Spring
Do not carpet sweep this, she is fence sitting and there is alot of things that will fit your sitch. so again spend the time to read up and research and put a plan together so #1 get her off the fence, # 2 prevent this from happening again.

Right now the biggest thing for the both of you is that she does the NC. that is permount if you want even a chance of repairing this.

If she continues her affair make no mistake, make it as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

You have a long road infront of you, there will be alot of rollercoaster rides, so stay strong and confident, and I hope it does not get to a point were you just have to let her go, but again NC mean absolute no contact= no text, no FB, no calls.

Confront other man and tell him you have nothing else to lose so it would be in his best interest that if W contacts him that he break it off. No threats just letting him know you know period.

If he has a GF or wife, and family expose it to them, this will help in...again making the affair as inconvienent as possible. You want other to know that you want support in repairing your marriage, you love your wife and want others to respect the vow that the both of you took.

Again there are steps and variables, it all depends on which side of the fence she is leaning on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

IMHO---he has a major problem-----he stated that she said, that her, and her X, figured out what was previously wrong tween them, and they became emotional, relived their early passion, and he "took" her---whether he just wanted one more conquest who knows---problem is she went with her X

Where are they at right now---her X, was there 1st, and maybe her love for the X, will trump anything OP does/tries

He may not have a mge. anymore

He needs to let her know, in no uncertain terms, cuz right now, he has nothing to lose, as he has lost his wife as of now, anyway, that she ends it now, with everything that goes with that situation, or he will move on, and put D., on the table

I just don't think she has given him any other choice, based on what she is saying, and what she has done

Had she any love for OP, this would not have happened while he was gone, and unable to defend himself, at the worst, she would have just talked to her X, and nothing more---but she had hot passionate sex for a full day, with a man, she lived with and loved for a long time, prior to being with OP

Afraid he is in for tuff sledding, no matter what!!!!


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

thank you for all the replies.

its been a few days and shes come around somewhat. she understands what she has done and what she stands to lose and says she wants to be with me and work on our marriage. she still has yet to completely end the chapter of her life with her ex, but i dont have any indication shes said much to him. i know she still has alot to work out in her head and im doing my best to not constantly pressure her about it, as it seems this doesnt work (with her anyway). she claims shes sorting it out in her own way. currently, im keeping an eye on things while attempting to keep my own raging emotions in check. despite me wanting to drive the issue home repeatedly, it seems the best thing to do thus far is to be happy with myself and work on me a bit.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Did your relationship with your wife start from an affair?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm with Tacoma. You have given her way too many outs and enabled this.

Set a hard boundary. _"I will not live in an open marriage. I deserve to be with someone who knows if they want to be with me or not. If you are not sure of what you want and/or continue your affair, I will take all appropriate actions including up to and filing for divorce. I deserve better. If you want to restore our marriage, you will end all contact with the other man and fully commit to our marriage. This is non-negotiable."_

She should not be having ANY CONTACT WITH THE OTHER MAN!

Non-negotiable.

Is her ex married/partnered? If so, out him to his significant other w/ zero warning to him or your wife beforehand so they don't have time to get their stories straight. 

The longer you don't enforce boundaries and actually back it up with actions, the longer you enable the affair. Scary, isn't it?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

She sounds more sorry that she got caught than for breaking your heart. If while in your marriage you felt that you had to be controlling and a little jealous from the get-go. Then, subconsciously, you knew you couldn't trust her...I guess you were right. 

I would ask her to leave and if the OM has a wife or girlfriend I would contact them immediately. 

This isn't your fault! Youu didn't make her sleep with him, she made a choice and she choosen to end the marriage by betraying you. If she tells you that you deserve better, just tell her she's right and she needs to get out so you can find her.

She hooked up with her Ex. There's a reason why Ex's are Ex's...they won't last long and by the time she realizes that, I hope that you have moved on by then.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> shes come around somewhat. she understands what she has done and what she stands to lose


She has been caught , she has not come round. 




> and says she wants to be with me and work on our marriage.


again this because she has been caught, she was not working on your marriage when she was having sex with him 





> she still has yet to completely end the chapter of her life with her ex,


Yes Yes Yes, like no contact for life 



> i know she still has alot to work out in her head


Like what?



> and im doing my best to not constantly pressure her about it, as it seems this doesnt work (with her anyway).


Why? there is a process to follow

She hand writes an NC letter
You both tell her parents and yours of her affair 
She commits to and keeps NC 
She gives you full transparency at all times 

I suggest you buy 'surviving an affair' by Harley , it will give you a process




> she claims shes sorting it out in her own way.


No she is not, she is working out how not to get caught next time. Her way has not worked before , it is time to invoke your way. 



> the best thing to do thus far is to be happy with myself and work on me a bit.


I agree , if you recognize a change in your behaviors attitude or anything else that will improve the marriage, make it so.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you let OM's wife/girlfriend know? That is your #1 job. Has nothing to do with 'pressuring' your wife - just setting the record straight.


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