# What To Do When You Don't See Eye To Eye



## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

​Ok, this is my first post, I've lurked and read for a month or so. WH and I have been together for 11 years, married for 10 with 4 kids. 
Our marriage was not good to say the least. I love him and he loves me, but we married really young and were horrible at communicating with each other right away. I like to talk things out, he likes to ignore an compartmentalize, so of course we had issues. 
This last year in 2012 things were really bad, we could barely be around for 5 minutes without fighting, sex was twice the whole year. 
DDay was around the second week of Dec 2012. He only confessed because I asked, and of course he lied and said he had cheated but was a ONS, yeah righhhttttt...., Well the first one was a 2 night stand in winter of 2011, then he started a full blown PA/EA in July 2012. As soon as I found out about it I did everything told to do here. 
Told him he is to have NC, and start working on us and o f course he loves her and I got the whole ILYBINILWY, etc. He did tell her about me but told anyone that knew that this was our arrangement., of course all of his family is in the area and he definitely didn't tell them because he knew they would tell him he is wrong. 
Well his rationalization is that he thought we had agreed to have an open marriage!!!! Problem is the KEY to an open marriage is complete honestly and communication, he NEVER once talked to me about this! I am not ok with an open marriage to begin with, not my thing! He never once came to me and said, "Hey honey I'm thinking about phucking other women, you cool with that?, ok great!" But they(WS) never do, DO they ? So he feels angry with me when he thinks about the fact that we didn't have an open-marriage. We married under a monogamous contract,.
We have started going to MC but I am having a hard time, he wants to not talk about anything at all at home and save it for therapy, well of course he wants to only talk about the marriage and admittedly doesn't want to talk about his cheating. I am completely open to talking about what I did wrong in the marriage, but he says all I want to talk about is IT. Well no S%@! Sherlock, of course I want to talk about what you did so I can get some healing done. It's his MO, deflect, deflect, deflect.
I will see what I can get from him tonight ( where he thinks we don't see eye to eye) but I feel and he has said as much, is that he blames me for why he cheated and says we just aren't going to see eye to eye on this. WTF?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

He was under the assumption that he was in an open marriage. You had the impression you were in a monogamous marriage. 

Yeah, a bit of a disconnect. 

Oh, I think you started MC a bit too early. He is under the assumption that the MC is there to shield him from blame. You are under the impression that the MC is there to help you both face and overcome your marital woes. 

Yeah, a bit of a disconnect. 

Oh, I think you married the wrong guy. You wanted a faithful husband - 

You can set the MC aside for a few weeks and determine IF you, either of you want to be married. From your description. You are not married. You are living together at best. Not quite FWB b/c there are few benefits. 

Decide what kind of marriage you want. Discuss it with him. Clear the decks on the affair(s). Expose the OW. Write the NC letter. Expose his affair to his parents and yours (he should do this one). 

Have him answer all your questions about the affair(s). If he doesn't want to do that, then he wants to hold secrets in his marriage. Tell him you will tolerate no secrets. 

You want "openness" in your marriage - the full truth (not an "open" marriage) 

Be bold. You have nothing to lose that isn't lost already.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> He was under the assumption that he was in an open marriage. You had the impression you were in a monogamous marriage.
> 
> Yeah, a bit of a disconnect.
> 
> ...


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You know he is in NC because he said so, but he doesn't want to talk about it? Are you willing to have secrets in your marriage? 

Who was/is she? A workmate? Does he see her for any reason these days? 

Is there a way for there to be contact through email? chat fx of games? 

IMO you need to have a lot more information. Ask him why he doesn't want to talk about it with you face to face without hiding behind the MC.


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

As far as exposing, I already told his family, but haven't told mine yet. They know we are having problems but I haven't shared the details. The problem is if I have him tell my parents he will tell everyone it was a misunderstanding, not that he lied and cheated. That is what he has told everyone that he had to. He thought we had an OM and an understanding, bull****!


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You know he is in NC because he said so, but he doesn't want to talk about it? Are you willing to have secrets in your marriage?
> 
> Who was/is she? A workmate? Does he see her for any reason these days?
> 
> ...


He says because we had so much fighting the last year he just doesn't want it anymore, and we need to keep the peace so that he actually WANTS to come home everyday. I agree about the fighting but I feel he is using that as an excuse to not deal with what he has done.

He says he thought we had the kind of open marriage where I didn't want to know. 

He does fire performing as a hobby and met her at the local street fair we have in town, I do know details, as in I figured through phone records the he went to see her after work almost everyday and left EVERY weekend and took her with for 6 months. He left for fire shows and stuff and she went too. All the while I had no idea. She is a single mom with a four year old daughter with no job and lives with her mom.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

I mean that HE tells his parents. And you tell yours - or you both tell yours. 

And if he is lying to everyone about what happened. Then you are hanging your hopes on rusted-out hinges. 

IMO you want to hear the truth from him but will settle for less as long as you're together. Is that so?


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## NeverMore (Feb 24, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> I mean that HE tells his parents. And you tell yours - or you both tell yours.
> 
> And if he is lying to everyone about what happened. Then you are hanging your hopes on rusted-out hinges.
> 
> IMO you want to hear the truth from him but will settle for less as long as you're together. Is that so?


He is refusing to speak to his parents and has actually sworn them off completely now that they know, of course he uses the fact that they had a strained realtionship as his reason why, but it's because they know he's a cheater. He says he is very afraid of telling my parents because he doesn't want them to be upset with him.

No, I am starting to realize I don't want to settle with this being his way. I deserve to be treated with respect. One of our therapist says she thinks he has a narcissistic personality disorder.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

NeverMore said:


> He says he thought we had the kind of open marriage where I didn't want to know.


HUGE, enormous pile of horsesh!t!!!


NeverMore said:


> No, I am starting to realize I don't want to settle with this being his way. I deserve to be treated with respect. *One of our therapist says she thinks he has a narcissistic personality disorder.*


Then it makes sense.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You were fighting for a year. But during that time at least for half of that time - he was seeing another woman. Do you suppose that had something to do with the "fights". 

A common ploy amongst cheaters is to manufacture or exploit a spat and inflate it into an enormous fight in order to justify leaving for a night or a weekend. You were being played and manipulated. That may be part of why he doesn't want to discuss the issues now.


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