# Am I heading for trouble?



## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Hi all, new to this. Just want to type this out and see what people think... Bear with me. It will be long..I feel a bit pathetic but I am lost at the moment... Its not something I can talk to anyone about properly.
So... ive been with my partner for nearly 2 years. I'm in my late 30s (female) and it is the relationship I have been waiting my whole life for after disasters... where I feel truly like I am someone's girlfriend, great mutual attraction, we're both attractive, fit people... I feel solid and contented, involved with his family and him with mine etc, really great... Except...and its major ... He is impotent. ( He is in 30s too). There I said it... 

So its been a gradual realisation as over time just never happened. i cannot believe I can be this (un)lucky. ... and have waited this long and now ... no sex. I am not sex crazy but its tough. We get close to it and then ... He cant. I have been very patient supportive etc but he has spells (weeks) where he wont even cuddle me and it gets tense. I have said to his face more than once that I am worried about the physical side of us and we need to deal with it. He just says hes stressed at work and thats all. Nothing wrong with me and him.Like end of subject. 
So because of this major problem I feel like things are silently crumbling and i worry about the long term. I dont want to give him an ultimatum but one night I mentioned Id like children in a gentle non demanding way... i mean im 38... I dont panic about marriage but I do panic about fertility and risks of being an older mum... (Obviously I would like to be having regular sex with my boyfriend first...) He said yes ... in a kind of mildly exasperated tone. 
Somehow, We plan on living together but i said fresh start, new house. 
But he is getting really uptight and does not budge on much even really tiny everyday house stuff which is making me doubt living with him let alone anything else. Plus how does he think we can live together if we havent ever had full sex?
He really is great although this text will no doubt focus on the negatives... So there are lots of positives with him but if there are these things that are niggling me now? Plus the impotence... Always there..
He s very uptight about domestic stuff. Very particular about little things being as he likes and doesnt adapt to me. At the moment this is tricky because I stay with him at his place 3 nights a week so its his turf. I have learned to adapt myself a lot.
So examples of my niggles are... 
He criticises me snoring which upsets me. I try and sleep all night on my side. Then apologises. He is quite messy and im tidy. Ive loosened up a lot I think. He puts the duvet on the bed in a deliberate mess and when I just make the bed he really doesnt like it. Said it drives him crazy. weird?? Makes me feel like its weird of me to want a flat duvet. I said yesterday how can we live together if we cant agree on a duvet? No answer from him.
He doesnt want to go abroad with me but wont be clear about it, even though I love to travel and said id like us to together. He just says he loves our own country and he says not scared of flying. So we are nearly on our 4th non foreign trip. I do enjoy them but...

So finally my questions. Is he a control freak or if I tackle the impotence would that unlock everything? Am I just too scared to be single again after finding him? I do love him and he loves me. But If you love someone surely you compromise. I think I have. Am i being too weak with him to avoid us breaking up. Scared of failing again? I dont think we should live together until we resolve stuff. I am willing to talk more and even argue. Maybe healthy to do that but its one of those things a woman cant really get maybe. i want us to go to a doctor but he hasnt even got a doctor and hates docs & hospitals etc.
I feel like we re living a bit of lie .
Please help, what should my next step be?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he tried any of the meds?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blahblahblah38 (Mar 13, 2013)

Hi there,
No, not to my knowledge.
He doesnt even like painkillers


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Then you're heading for trouble. If he can't be bothered by your concerns to try to address something you see as an issue while you're in your "honeymoon phase", it's only going to get worse later on. 

Just my $0.02

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There is little connection between the impotency and his controlling side.

I'd think long and hard before moving any further with this guy until both of these issues are addressed. It will absolutely get worse as he ages.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have dealt with my H with ED. Men can be sooooooo ..... ARGH!

You have to make this a deal breaker because it will only get worse. He refuses to think about it. He refuses to deal with it because then that means he will have to admit his penis isn't working. It could be a number of medical issues, or it could be psychological. It doesn't matter what the cause is, the bottom line is that there IS treatment but first he has to get to a doctor about it.

Ask him this, "Do you think you will wake up one day and be magically able to get an erection? No honestly, do you think this is likely to ever happen?" He will try to shut down the conversation but don't allow it. 

Tell him that he *MUST see his doctor about his ED or the relationship is over.* He will be in pain, he will be angry, he will be defensive. But if he loves you, he will follow through and get what ever medical treatment is necessary so he can be a full partner in this relationship. Give him a deadline by when he has to have his first consult with his doc. Tell him you expect to know when the appointment is, so that you can hear about potential blood tests or trial of ED drugs. 

But wait, :Insert pathetic crybaby voice here: he doesn't like drugs. Tough Toe Nails Buster! You deserve to have a healthy fully functioning partner. It's not like he lost his penis on the battle field or something!


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## Sunbubble (Mar 15, 2013)

It is often psychological, but there might be an issue that is not as pleasant...are you aware of his sexual history? Because he might be suffering an outbreak...and does not know how to inform you. It is not so much the impotence, but the fact of him being unwilling to please you with all the additional stuff that's possible before a vaginal intercourse - one does not need erection to touch you, no? Not willing to become intimate with you may have other reasons, and at times, the idea of having to move into "sex" after the cudling may be the show stopper right there. Be gentle, be patient, and you will win more than by being demanding - sexual functioning is a very delicate matter, but you should know the truth.


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