# phone privacy



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

hi all,

my husband and I have been married for a little over two years now...when we started dating I was still talking to my ex for about a year but nothing romantic...he was talking about wanting to kill himself blah blah blah and all I kept saying was go find someone else because we're through and ive found someone too (my now husband)...my husband found out about this and he was FURIOUS but I showed him ALL the texts from the first to last...he did things too like send emails to work colleagues telling them he wants to hug them, see them etc. he has always been private with his phone but once married I felt like it should be more open...he has thrown it at me numerous times and said look through it but I said I didn't want to...he keeps saying im paranoid and its because of my guilty conscious about texting the ex! I mean yes ive been burnt before but shouldn't he be helping my paranoia instead of making it worse...I feel like its some sort of payback...he says I ask too many questions about it as he's on it CONSTANTLY texting and all...as a wife I feel like I have a right to question but he just gets angry...is he hiding something? im soo confused!!! I asked if he'd ever be willing to be open with it and he said if I stopped asking it'll come naturally but its driving me INSANE! I did try to go through it a month ago when he was in the bathroom but realised he had a code on it...when I told him he went CRAZY and got very angry at me trying behind his back! not that I went through it because of the pin but because I tried...I understand he wants to punish me for that but how long is punishment enough....he takes it with him EVERYWHERE! he said that he has a code because he doesn't trust people at work yet he didn't say but here it is or anything!

HELPPPPPPP!


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

This has nothing to do with your Ex texting you, it has everything to do with the sh!t he is doing on his phone. Which is probably setting up meetings to "hug" coworkers.

A married couple should have no expectation of privacy on our smartphones. You should know each other's codes. 

If you stop asking he will let you see the phone eventually?? Wtf kind of reverse logic is that?

His actions are not trustworthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

I know and im soo stressed out about it and am really thinking into hiring someone to find out for me once and for all but I need to have access to his phone in order for them to find out for me which I cant do!

he doesn't come home from work too late...maybe 30mins or so after his shift is finished so I don't know if he's just finishing things up or up to no good...I have had instances where he was at a colleagues wedding and didn't tell me he sat there taking pics with a girl who works there that I hate!

I keep getting the blame game even though ive done everything I could to reassure him...like if I had something to hide why would I have shown him all the text messages!

if I ask him about his phone he says well ive given it to you many times and you didn't want it but now that you tried to go through it behind my back you wont get it...

he always blames me for every little thing that I have done wrong and trying to make it like he did nothing wrong at all...

I honestly don't know how much more of this privacy thing I can take!


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

It's not a privacy issue. Let go of that term.

It's a girl/porn/whatever else he doesn't want you to see issue.


----------



## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

I've been in a similar situation when we first started dating, I snooped through everything and it got me in trouble. I never found anything to question, but he thought it was a lack of privacy so I don't do it anymore or rarely..but it took me awhile to lose that personality trait. I am a very curious person. I understand why you want to look, but maybe try not to for a month, and see how he treats you and if anything changes. While it seems his activity may be suspicious, I'd wait on it for a bit, and then do something. The whole hugging co-workers is odd, but some men are harmless flirts.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

@SunnyT we've always spoken about how wrong we think cheating and infidelity is and we've agreed that if its something that we want then we'd let go of the person instead of doing it while with them...don't know if its his machoness that he feels like he needs to be in control of ONE thing in his life, but he's always saying how nothing private and that's the only thing he has that can be...

@traveler247 I'm so glad someone is in the same position as me! thought I was the only crazy one! ive always been a curious person also and every time he sits there texting on it I go 'ohh who you talking to now'...its not about trusting but a sense of curiosity...I don't want to jump to conclusions because he's such a nice guy but he's driving me mental...how did you cope without asking for that month? I think I need to do the same and see if he changes with it...&the hugging co-workers happened when we were dating but that doesn't make it ok...he is an overly nice person which people would take as a flirt because he's done it in front of me many times....he just randomly strikes up conversations with anyone (shop assistants etc.)

when I ask him if that if I stop questioning about who he's texting etc. will he be more open to not being so protective of it and all I got was so stop asking because you're doing it again! I feel like there's no compromise.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So he went to a wedding, and you didn't know about it?

He's not mature enough to be a husband. Sorry you are realizing that now, after you married him.

Do you have kids with him? If not, move on. You're still young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> So he went to a wedding, and you didn't know about it?
> 
> He's not mature enough to be a husband. Sorry you are realizing that now, after you married him.
> 
> ...


 I don't know, I feel that might be extreme. You haven't been married that long, and frankly, neither have I. I would keep at it. Marriage is work and a commitment, don't give up yet. This feels fixable. If a month goes by and your not suspicious, eventually the curiosity will dissipate. If you had the discussion about cheating and he's against it then maybe he's doing something on his phone that he would be embarrassed for you to see. Like my husband plays star wars games on the phone constantly and I make fun of him...could be something similar. I'd remain hopeful until proven wrong, but also, he needs to drop the ex communication if it's over with. Let go of past, and move forward.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

sorry my bad i did know about him going to a wedding which i saw as wrong..i mean i know when we got married this colleague whos wedding he went to was only in a relationship so we didnt invite girlfriends or partners..YET when he got married he invited friends and partners but no his colleagues WIFE! &my husband was ok with going to it..

i asked him who was there&he lied&didnt tell me she was but then i found photos on fb with her which he said he was "forced" to take..when i confronted him about it all he said if he had told me he knew how i would have reacted and it would have ruined his whole night (which i probably would have)...&it was just a picture with a work colleague so i needed to get the eff over it..

no, no kids yet but my parents died when i was 18 which left me as a carer of four younger siblings who we've been looking after&living with for the 2years we've been together..he's amazing for having to deal with and put up with that knowing we'd have no time to ourselves! i probably dont give him enough credit!

im 23 and he's 28..we're both young but if he just compromises then i wouldnt have an issue..i feel like he doesnt value our relationship!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

im doing everything in my power to make this work..i didnt go in this marriage with the thought of divorce (no-one does)..

i think i need to find something else to occupy my mind because im always thinking and overthinking! 

ive been a mum/dad, studying, had all these responsibilities and put EVERYONE else ahead of myself and never made time for me! 

he says im too needy but maybe thats because ive had to look after my parents ever since i was 13 until they died when i was 18..i just need him to realise that i might need someone to be there for me for a change! is that soo selfish and wrong?


----------



## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

I think I was similar at age 23, I'm 28 now, and am not needy anymore but was told in early 20s that I was. Things change, and it seems like you have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. You probably are overwhelmed and stressed and this current situation with your husband isn't helping. Try doing things that keep you calm and happy. I read a lot to de-stress. I recommend before getting worked up over things to take a couple minutes to yourself, regroup, and then talk to your husband. I used to overreact and act like a crazy girl over every little thing, and luckily, I take joy in being older, bc not a lot gets me upset like it used to. It's hard to keep emotions in check, esp as a woman, but just try and not look at his phone, and be rational. And keep calm, life is so short. Unless you think he's truly cheating, I'd let it go and cool down for a bit.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

God forbid you ruin his night. Smh.

Barring some odd situation, married couples attend weddings as a couple -- or not at all. If he wasn't allowed a Plus 1 (which is extremely poor etiquette) then he should have declined the invitation. But here is a dude who happily went to the wedding solo, didn't tell you he was hanging with this chick (from work?) so you don't get on his case.

Now he hides his phone constantly, scolds you to stop asking for the phone or you'll never see it.

It's not online games or anything benign like that. He knows how much stress this is causing yet he won't hand over the phone. Wonder what's on there. What a piece of work.

By the way, he will hand over the phone eventually. Just as soon as it's scrubbed clean. And then he will continue to make you feel guilty (gaslight you) for asking about it.

I stand by what I wrote earlier. I hope I'm wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

If that was me then I would definitely not have attended the wedding because when you're married that should be an event that a couple go to together no questions asked...he's happy to go birthdays and all without me&its a kick in the stomach because I feel so strongly about doing things like that together...&he doesn't even like the guy who got married but felt bad not going because he came to ours...

I totally understand and have said to him that he knows what stresses me out yet he keeps doing it...I don't know if it's to get to me as payback or make me even more paranoid...

I hope this is a phase that I can get over because it puts so much stress on me and makes me an unhappy person and that's not who I am...I've only been this weary for a few months now and I get told that I want to be controlling with everything&thats not what I've done...

I don't think he's cheating but might be conversating with people (females) behind my back which is kind of like cheating anyways...in the end if that's what he's been doing&he feels it's right and ok to do then so be it...hopefully he gets found out so everyone knows the jerk he is (IF it's what he's doing) He just does things that don't seem reasonable and normal and I'm always made to be the idiot and the reason for all the problems...

I need to try something to keep my mind off things and to stop overthinking EVERYTHING he does! Doesn't help to see married friends so open with one-another and have no secrets!


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What kind of phone does he have?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

an iphone 6 plus


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Check out this thread

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post-6.html

There are ways to find out what he's doing on his phone. Know that if he hands it to you it will be scrubbed clean. 

I assume you don't know his iCloud password or his email password?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

he's gone to hand it to me before when ive given him no warning but i didnt want to look through it which now was sooo stupidd&im kicking myself!

thanks for the thread ive had a look at it..

no passwords to emails or icloud..i tried guessing them to login but incorrect and didnt want to try too much because it then sends him a notification saying someones trying to access it&he'll know its me!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

babykins said:


> he doesn't even like the guy who got married but felt bad not going because he came to ours...


 Wait a minute. Is your husband saying that a guy that came to you and your husband's wedding did not invite you to his wedding? I am not buying it. Your husband did not tell you about the wedding because the other guy would have of course welcomed you to go to his wedding, but your husband did not want you go. Had you gone, he feared that it would have negatively impacted his relationship with this other woman at work.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your husband took another woman to a wedding as his date? And didn't tell you about it?

Uh...
Yeah the shadiness about his phone would be giving me pause too.

question - does he always take it into bathroom with him? Like it's always on his person?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kind of phone does your husband use?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

babykins said:


> an iphone 6 plus


----------



## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Does your husband reference your past correspondence with your ex to this day when you ask him what is going on with his activity on his phone?


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I would TOTALLY not be OK with him being on his phone so often, hiding the pass code from me, and throwing a fit when I question him about it. He's trying to make you feel guilty for a very reasonable request. He's hiding something.

I'd go emotionally berserk over this, no problem.


----------



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Play devil's advocate.

Spend a lot of time texting on your phone, don't tell him who it is, and hide your pass code. If he questions it, say you're simply doing what he does.


----------



## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

I am going through some things right now with my wife.... A while back I had started getting a gut feeling out of the blue that something was off, (Phone charged next to her by the bed, phone has a passcode, etc...) I patiently got the code one day just watching her put the code in. That is when I found her texting a guy from work and then I stumbled onto this sight. After reading and finding help, I discovered what she was doing wasn't just harmless texts, it was a EA (emotional affair and could be physical or in the way to a pa.

Im knot trying to make things worse for you, but in my opinion.... in a marriage, there is no reason the husband or wife should have a lock on there phone unless their hiding something. ( My wifes excuse was the kids are always playing on her phone)


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Abel402 said:


> Im knot trying to make things worse for you, but in my opinion.... in a marriage, there is no reason the husband or wife should have a lock on there phone unless their hiding something. ( My wifes excuse was the kids are always playing on her phone)


EVERYONE should have a lock on his or her phone. If you want the spouse to know the passcode, fine, but unless you really like identity theft, an unlocked phone is a hand grenade in your pocket.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

sorry to hear @abel402...how are things now? did you sort it out with your wife?

yes its quite frustrating because to me a marriage should be open and if its not then you're definitely hiding something...in the end if my husband is up to no good then its something he'll have to deal with and look like an idiot for! I wouldn't even know where to begin with knowing the passcode and even if I did...he NEVER leaves it laying around for even a minute for me to get my hands on it...he tells me off and says I don't trust him and even though it has a little bit to do with that...to me its more about being able to be open with everything which he's refusing to see.!

his excuse is that he doesn't trust people at work because he's alright to leave it laying there but not at home...& even if that was the case then he should have turned around and said well this is the passcode anyways.!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Cletus said:


> EVERYONE should have a lock on his or her phone. If you want the spouse to know the passcode, fine, but unless you really like identity theft, an unlocked phone is a hand grenade in your pocket.


totally agree with you on that one but it should be given to your spouse either way!


----------



## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

Cletus said:


> EVERYONE should have a lock on his or her phone. If you want the spouse to know the passcode, fine, but unless you really like identity theft, an unlocked phone is a hand grenade in your pocket.




Cletus, I see your point.... ive never had that happen and never really thought about that issue (identity theft) but in my case my wife never had a passcode until she was hiding stuff.


----------



## Abel402 (Jan 26, 2015)

babykins, I agree with what your saying.... In my situation, after getting the passcode and finding the texts, I kept it to myself for as long as I could. I then asked her if everything was ok and that I felt things were different. I asked her if there was anything she needed to tell me, at that time she had said she hasn't been happy the last 2 years.... Her reason for being unhappy was Financial stress ( I own my own business and it can be very stressful.

After all of this and a few other small issues she had with me... she never admitted to the texting with the other guy. ( if you look in the coping with infidelity section, you can see my entire story)

Two weeks after that I blew up and confronted her, she played it off as what she did was no big deal.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

@TRy yes he said that the guy didn't invite anyone's partners except the bosses BUT he invited friends and sisters of colleagues so that's even worse! we didn't invite his work colleagues boyfriends/girlfriends because it got too expensive so I don't know if he was telling the truth or not...feels like all I'm doing is making excuses for him!

@Jellybeans yes its ALWAYS on him 24/7 in his pocket...he takes it to the bathroom even if he's only in there for a couple of mins! he's always been like this but ever since we've been married its played on my mind more and more!

@AlisonBlaire he doesn't like me questioning ANYTHING...even if I ask about his day and he tells me that someone has annoyed him...id ask why and he'd say stop asking they just did...every time there's something I question it comes back to "well you were texting your ex for a year of our relationship" which was the first year only and he saw all the messages! he received flowers from a chick for his birthday which he didn't tell me about YET the card was still in his wallet from 3-4 years ago until I found it a few months ago and he went CRAZY when I questioned it saying he did her a favour when he was working at the bank and that he threw the flowers out because he thinks its weird for guys to receive flowers....BUT why couldn't I be told about that? instead I'm lied to and then when I questioned it he's like but you were talking to your ex for a year! like you shouldn't have gotten married 4 years later if you couldn't get over it!

@Orange_Pekoe I've done everything in my power lately to refrain from asking who he's texting or calling but I don't know how much more I can bite my tongue! if I lose it, he'll walk out as he's told me b4 which makes me question how much he values this marriage to be able to let it go so easy over a little questioning! &yes I've been doing the same...hiding my phone...I have a passcode on it...when he wants to show me something he used to grab my phone & show me like that...he'd NEVER use his but lately if he asks i'll say well you've got one you can get it out...don't know how much it'll bother him though!

@foolscotton3 I totally agree with you on that one I just wish he understood also! he lost it that I TRIED to go through it when he was in the bathroom a month back and I couldn't because of code and when he found out he went berserk so I don't know if he's hiding it even more purposely now to teach me a lesson...he is selfish like that so I wouldn't put it past him.! I'm 100% sure he *****es about me non-stop and I do the same about him to a friend of mine so I wouldn't want him reading my conversations with her but id let him see who I'm texting either way...yep I gained his trust after speaking to the ex thing (or so I thought I did) and he's slowly losing mine...don't know how much more I'm willing to take or how much more is reasonable to take!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

@abel402 we were at a party on the weekend and had our photo taken which he was reluctant to take as he knew it would end up on social media and he completely hates it (we both don't have one)...the following day pictures were posted of the party on social media and he lost it when he found out one pic of us was there and called the person who posted it demanding it be taken off (which they did)...I asked what the issue was & he said I don't like it end of story (not like that's a reasonable excuse)...I said your with your wife and doing nothing wrong so don't understand what the problem is and he blatantly said to me if you want to argue it then pack my ****...like who says that because of a question being asked! 

however on a colleagues social media site, I found a selfie of him and her and he looked very happy to have taken one with her which is quite the opposite of what he looked like in the photo with me (I haven't told him I've seen it as he will completely EXPLODE) I don't know if he knows she's put it up...im going to bite my tongue for now and see how much I can keep it in for! if I confront him about this he'll blow up and say well I work with her get over it! double standards!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> @traveler247 I'm so glad someone is in the same position as me! thought I was the only crazy one! ive always been a curious person also and every time he sits there texting on it I go 'ohh who you talking to now'...its not about trusting but a sense of curiosity...I don't want to jump to conclusions because he's such a nice guy but he's driving me mental...how did you cope without asking for that month? I think I need to do the same and see if he changes with it...&the hugging co-workers happened when we were dating but that doesn't make it ok...


Traveler is not the only person on here who has had a spouse who constantly chats with, messages and texts people and then has everything password protected so that their spouse cannot see what they are doing. Almost every one of them found that their spouse had something to hide. They were cheating.

I too had a husband who did these things. One day he forgot to lock down his computer. So I looked. He was cheating. 

I completely disagree with the advice for you to just stop being curious. Your husband’s behavior is wrong. Of course you are curious, and suspicious. He is acting like he has something to hide. So he must have something to hide. I think that you 



babykins said:


> he is an overly nice person which people would take as a flirt because he's done it in front of me many times....he just randomly strikes up conversations with anyone (shop assistants etc.)


Does he tend to strike up more conversations with other women? Or he is equally friendly in the same manner to men as well.



babykins said:


> when I ask him if that if I stop questioning about who he's texting etc. will he be more open to not being so protective of it and all I got was so stop asking because you're doing it again! I feel like there's no compromise.


How many hours a night and on the weekend does he spend texting? From what you wrote it sounds like he is constantly doing this.

Who are these coworkers of his that he is saying he’s going to hug? Are they women?

Do you have a job as well? It would be helpful to know.

I think you need to hire a PI. People do not hide things unless they have things to hide.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> If that was me then I would definitely not have attended the wedding because when you're married that should be an event that a couple go to together no questions asked...he's happy to go birthdays and all without me&its a kick in the stomach because I feel so strongly about doing things like that together...&he doesn't even like the guy who got married but felt bad not going because he came to ours...


Whose birthdays is he going to without you? Why are you not invited? Why does he tell you that he’s going without you?


babykins said:


> I totally understand and have said to him that he knows what stresses me out yet he keeps doing it...I don't know if it's to get to me as payback or make me even more paranoid...


He’s doing these things because he wants to. He wants you at home. But then he wants his own life without you. 



babykins said:


> I hope this is a phase that I can get over because it puts so much stress on me and makes me an unhappy person and that's not who I am...I've only been this weary for a few months now and I get told that I want to be controlling with everything&thats not what I've done...


Your husband is emotionally abusive. These put downs, insults, leaving you and going out to party without you.. that is all emotional abuse. Abuse is about control. It’s about breaking down you self-esteem so that he can control you and have his life as a single man on the side.



babykins said:


> I don't think he's cheating but might be conversating with people (females) behind my back which is kind of like cheating anyways...in the end if that's what he's been doing&he feels it's right and ok to do then so be it...hopefully he gets found out so everyone knows the jerk he is (IF it's what he's doing) He just does things that don't seem reasonable and normal and I'm always made to be the idiot and the reason for all the problems...


Do you want to find out what he’s up to?



babykins said:


> I need to try something to keep my mind off things and to stop overthinking EVERYTHING he does! Doesn't help to see married friends so open with one-another and have no secrets!


Has he ever hit you? pushed you? grabbed you in a way that hurts? When he is angry, does not bang things? Break things? Throw things?


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

@EleGirl its hard for me to stop myself being curious but he thinks that its ok for him to ask questions and not me...I cant say if he's cheating or not definitely but I've got a feeling that he does have something to hide...

to be honest no he strikes up the same conversation with both men and women but when its with women I tend to take it a little more to heart than I do with men...I mean many of us would...

he constantly still does it although from a month ago until now he doesn't make/take calls or text as often as I told him it s**ts me...he used to take calls for hours on end and go outside while I'm in bed having to wait for him...it was always a detective mate of his who called to tell him things that are going on as they work in the same area...but who's to say he doesn't have a woman's number saved as a guys name on his phone...all these things play on my mind...

yes these co-workers are all and have always been women...which makes me question so much...I don't know what he does at work and its not like any of his work colleagues are going to tell me that he's doing anything if he is up to no good.!

I'm finishing off my masters degree at the moment and will be finished in a couple of months so no I'm at home and not working...I guess that's why I'm always sitting here thinking instead of occupying my mind...

I wanted to hire a PI but they said to me that in order to track messages and calls I need to get his phone which is IMPOSSIBLE as he NEVER leaves it anywhere in sight and especially because it has a passcode on it also! lose lose situation for me I guess!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> he's gone to hand it to me before when ive given him no warning but i didnt want to look through it which now was sooo stupidd&im kicking myself!
> 
> thanks for the thread ive had a look at it..
> 
> no passwords to emails or icloud..i tried guessing them to login but incorrect and didnt want to try too much because it then sends him a notification saying someones trying to access it&he'll know its me!


If he handed it to you, it's most likely because he cleaned out the messages and calls that might get you upset.

What I suggest is that you stop asking him about his phone. Stop complaining. And start really looking for evidence of what he is doing. When you get some incriminating evidence, do not confront him right way. Instead come here and we can help you plan what you will do. The worst thing you could do it confront him before you had enough evidence to either prove or disprove that he's up to no good.

Does he have a car?

Does he use a computer at home?

Do you have access to the cell phone bill? If you do, get it and see who he is texting and calling. Again, do not confront us. Let us know if you see one number or a few that he texts/calls a lot.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

babykins said:


> hi all,
> 
> my husband and I have been married for a little over two years now...when we started dating I was still talking to my ex for about a year but nothing romantic...he was talking about wanting to kill himself blah blah blah and all I kept saying was go find someone else because we're through and ive found someone too (my now husband)...my husband found out about this and he was FURIOUS but I showed him ALL the texts from the first to last...he did things too like send emails to work colleagues telling them he wants to hug them, see them etc. he has always been private with his phone but once married I felt like it should be more open...he has thrown it at me numerous times and said look through it but I said I didn't want to...he keeps saying im paranoid and its because of my guilty conscious about texting the ex! I mean yes ive been burnt before but shouldn't he be helping my paranoia instead of making it worse...I feel like its some sort of payback...he says I ask too many questions about it as he's on it CONSTANTLY texting and all...as a wife I feel like I have a right to question but he just gets angry...is he hiding something? im soo confused!!! I asked if he'd ever be willing to be open with it and he said if I stopped asking it'll come naturally but its driving me INSANE! I did try to go through it a month ago when he was in the bathroom but realised he had a code on it...when I told him he went CRAZY and got very angry at me trying behind his back! not that I went through it because of the pin but because I tried...I understand he wants to punish me for that but how long is punishment enough....he takes it with him EVERYWHERE! he said that he has a code because he doesn't trust people at work yet he didn't say but here it is or anything!
> 
> HELPPPPPPP!


Your husband is abusive.

Educate yourself. 

Nothing will change until YOU learn how to be a stronger person and get therapy.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

I was invited to the birthday as it was his bosses wives birthday but we both agreed that we didn't want to attend and a week before he goes he was made to feel bad as everyone was backing out and she's a really close friend of both of us...she's a beautiful person so he said...we're not joined at the hip...if you don't want to come say you have assignments but I'll go for a bit and come back! just because one of us cant go doesn't mean we both shouldn't...

I don't know how someone can be so cruel...like if you want your own life then LEAVE! he's said he'd do that but is still guilt tripping me all the time!

I'd LOVE to find out what he's up to but I don't think a PI following him is going to do any good as I feel like he gets up to no good just through his phone...

no he's never laid a hand on me even when he's been furious although he does throw things and punch walls and get up in my face yelling like crazy when he is angry!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He's abusive. Abuse does NOT just mean punching you in the face.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If he handed it to you, it's most likely because he cleaned out the messages and calls that might get you upset.
> 
> What I suggest is that you stop asking him about his phone. Stop complaining. And start really looking for evidence of what he is doing. When you get some incriminating evidence, do not confront him right way. Instead come here and we can help you plan what you will do. The worst thing you could do it confront him before you had enough evidence to either prove or disprove that he's up to no good.
> 
> ...


yes he has a car and I've thought about putting a tracking device but at work if he needs to go somewhere he'll take a colleagues care instead so I think that's pointless to do!

he has a laptop at home but NEVER uses it at all...phones these days do everything you need them to and their easier to keep under wraps!

no I don't have access to his cell phone bill...he receives it electronically...

I don't want to confront him about any suspicions yet as I know it will blow up but like you said without evidence there's no point in pointing a finger


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Your husband is abusive.
> 
> Educate yourself.
> 
> Nothing will change until YOU learn how to be a stronger person and get therapy.


yes emotionally abusive I totally understand and sometimes I see that as being so much worse than physically abusive...

I've done things for others all my life and now its time to think about myself first! when he asks me to do something, my reply is "well what do you do for me"...his excuse is that he works! well I sit at home study, are a carer for four younger children and also do everything around the house! that's more work than he'd do YET he gets paid for it AND I never see one bit of the money...I pay for EVERYTHING at home so he basically lives like a king!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

babykins said:


> yes emotionally abusive I totally understand and sometimes I see that as being so much worse than physically abusive...
> 
> I've done things for others all my life and now its time to think about myself first! when he asks me to do something, my reply is "well what do you do for me"...his excuse is that he works! well I sit at home study, are a carer for four younger children and also do everything around the house! that's more work than he'd do YET he gets paid for it AND I never see one bit of the money...I pay for EVERYTHING at home so he basically lives like a king!


Everything you have described is because you LET him treat you that way.

Go to your school therapist; it's free. Start getting stronger. Before it's too late.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> yes these co-workers are all and have always been women...which makes me question so much...I don't know what he does at work and its not like any of his work colleagues are going to tell me that he's doing anything if he is up to no good.!


Do you ever visit where he works? If so, how often?


babykins said:


> I wanted to hire a PI but they said to me that in order to track messages and calls I need to get his phone which is IMPOSSIBLE as he NEVER leaves it anywhere in sight and especially because it has a passcode on it also! lose lose situation for me I guess!


There are things that you can do to find out what’s going on. Look at the cell phone bill.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> I was invited to the birthday as it was his bosses wives birthday but we both agreed that we didn't want to attend and a week before he goes he was made to feel bad as everyone was backing out and she's a really close friend of both of us...she's a beautiful person so he said...we're not joined at the hip...if you don't want to come say you have assignments but I'll go for a bit and come back! just because one of us cant go doesn't mean we both shouldn't...


 He did not want you at the party and he figured out a way to get you not to go. That’s pretty clear. He was probably meeting that other chick there.



babykins said:


> no he's never laid a hand on me even when he's been furious although he does throw things and punch walls and get up in my face yelling like crazy when he is angry!


What you describe here is the start of physical abuse. All of what you describe is done to intimidate and scare you so that he had control of you. It’s working pretty well because you are questioning everything… becoming very insecure.

What will most likely happen is that as time goes on the level of violence will escalate.

You say that your siblings are still living with you. How old are they now?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

babykins said:


> yes he has a car and I've thought about putting a tracking device but at work if he needs to go somewhere he'll take a colleagues care instead so I think that's pointless to do!


Has he told you that he uses a colleagues care when he goes somewhere during the work day? Why would he do this? Whose car is he taking?
A tracking device would still be a good idea. For example the next time he goes out without you, you can see where he is.

Another thing that would help is to put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car. Secure it up under the front seat with adhesive backed Velcro.. the very strong type. People who cheat use their cars as private phone booths. If you get something on a recording, do not let him know. This is for your ears only.


babykins said:


> no I don't have access to his cell phone bill...he receives it electronically...


Is your cell phone on the same account?


babykins said:


> I don't want to confront him about any suspicions yet as I know it will blow up but like you said without evidence there's no point in pointing a finger


Yep, just back off, start looking without letting him know and keep it quiet.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Everything you have described is because you LET him treat you that way.
> 
> Go to your school therapist; it's free. Start getting stronger. Before it's too late.


I'm letting him treat me this way because I feel as though I've hurt and upset him in the past which I thought I paid for but obviously not as it keeps coming back again so I deserve it..

yes I'm seeing a therapist and she's bewildered at how he's treating me also!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask her to give you homework to improve your self worth and steps to take to stand up for yourself.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > yes these co-workers are all and have always been women...which makes me question so much...I don't know what he does at work and its not like any of his work colleagues are going to tell me that he's doing anything if he is up to no good.!
> ...


im not allowed to go visit his work because he says he doesnt want to mix his personal and work life together...i wouldnt want to go anyways with all the idiots that work there..but he doesnt let me either! &if i drop him at work i cant take him into their parking, its got to be across the street and he'll walk which baffles me as ALL his work colleagues including the girls came to our wedding so i dont know what his motive is=/

i have no access to the cell phone bill..we've got our own contracts and he doesnt get it sent to our house so i guess he gets it electronically so theres no way that i can get a hold of it..


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > I was invited to the birthday as it was his bosses wives birthday but we both agreed that we didn't want to attend and a week before he goes he was made to feel bad as everyone was backing out and she's a really close friend of both of us...she's a beautiful person so he said...we're not joined at the hip...if you don't want to come say you have assignments but I'll go for a bit and come back! just because one of us cant go doesn't mean we both shouldn't...
> ...


i did end up going to the birthday so i guess that was bad luck for him&will not complain about going anywhere anymore as i wanna be in his face whenever i can! but that doesnt mean he cant do stuff behind my back at other times!

yes he's made me very insecure about everything..i now have to think to an extent b4 i say anything...and im now questioning everything i do!

yes my four siblings live with us and are 11, 15, 19 and 21...he did a good thing having to take them under his wing with me but as time has gone on he's seen it as a chore and i feel like he keeps saying well i live with your siblings! umm i know that and u did too ever since we got together you knew that was my situation..he wants me to praise him or something..


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Ask her to give you homework to improve your self worth and steps to take to stand up for yourself.


yes i did that today and im also taking steps myself..i bought a diary so instead of taking my anger out on someone else (including him) ill write it in there..ive also bought some workbooks which help with anxiety and things like that so hopefully it will help me ease up a little once i receive them


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Demand his phone, run it through Dr phone, get your answers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


if i demand it now, he'll walk for sure..what is dr phone?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

babykins said:


> im not allowed to go visit his work because he says he doesnt want to mix his personal and work life together... he doesnt let me either! &* if i drop him at work i cant take him into their parking, its got to be across the street *and he'll walk





babykins said:


> ...the following day pictures were posted of the party on social media and he lost it when he found out one pic of us was there and called the person who posted it demanding it be taken off (which they did)...I asked what the issue was & he said I don't like it end of story (not like that's a reasonable excuse)...I said your with your wife and doing nothing wrong so don't understand what the problem is and *he blatantly said to me if you want to argue it then pack my *****...like who says that because of a question being asked!
> 
> however on a colleagues social media site, I found a selfie of him and her and he looked very happy to have taken one with her which is quite the opposite of what he looked like in the pic with me


It doesn't even seem like he wants to be married to you or that he likes you. He is treating you worse than an animal. 

His defensiveness and shutting you down when you asked why he was bothered at the pic and telling you "pack my sh*t" - like he was gonna pack up and leave a is extremely childish. It's also no way to discuss things. Does he have a pattern of doing that?

Also, everything you're saying about the phone - going outside to talk, never leaving it out of sight, taking it with him each and every time he goes to the bathroom screams Red Flag. Most people who are being inappropriate on their phones will not leave the phone in plain sight and taking it to the bathroom with them, even for a hot second, is a big indication that he's up to something. 

My guess is that your gut is right. You notice "off" behaviors for a reason.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> Demand his phone, run it through Dr phone, get your answers.


It's pretty obvious this guy is not going to give her his phone. He won't even leave it around her in plain sight.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Also, two things:



babykins said:


> my husband and I have been married for a little over two years now...when we started dating I was still talking to my ex for about a year but nothing romantic...he was talking about wanting to kill himself blah blah blah and all I kept saying was go find someone else because we're through and ive found someone too (my now husband)...my husband found out about this and he was FURIOUS but I showed him ALL the texts from the first to last...


Your husband is still holding onto resentment from this. It seems you enver told him about the contact with ex for a year since you said "when he found out" implying he had no clue. Should have addressed this before marriage. With that said, the damage is done.

Two:



babykins said:


> I asked if he'd ever be willing to be open with it and he said if I stopped asking it'll come naturally but its driving me INSANE!


This is a lame excuse. If he wanted to be transparent with you, he'd show you his phone.



babykins said:


> I understand he wants to punish me for that but how long is punishment enough...


Not a good dynamic. Or mature. Or healthy in a marriage.



babykins said:


> he takes it with him EVERYWHERE!* he said that he has a code because he doesn't trust people at work*


One of the dumbest excuses I've ever heard. Does he pass his phone around at work? None of my colleagues ever grab my phone so there is absolutely NO reason to put a passcode on it. He is hiding something. And even if he wasn't, his behavior is shady as hell. He knows it bothers you, and he is doing NOTHING to assuage your fears/concerns. That makes him a JERK.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

babykins said:


> yes i did that today and im also taking steps myself..i bought a diary so instead of taking my anger out on someone else (including him) ill write it in there..ive also bought some workbooks which help with anxiety and things like that so hopefully it will help me ease up a little once i receive them


Instead of reading those things, read this book first. You need to understand what's in it so you really know what you're dealing with.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

intheory said:


> babykins,
> 
> I'm just addressing this part of your situation.
> 
> ...


I completely agree. That's a LOT of aggravation! All but the 11 year old should be working and contributing to the household if they're going to live there. Are they all in school? If not they should be told to move on.


----------



## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

I have read through this entire thread, and SO MANY red flags jump out that I cannot take the time to list them.
My H is, undeniably, a DASTARD (read my first post in my thread "I am so ashamed"), but even he has given me the code to his phones (both his personal cell and work cell).
I have to tell you, I feel that you are in DEEP DENILE. He is cheating on you. The reason he walks the last block to work is because he has told his co-workers that the two of you are no longer together (same reason he demanded the facebook pic be taken down). I would go so far as to say that he is cheating with the co-worker he went to the wedding with--he doesn't want her to see you drop him off at work, he doesn't want her to see pics of you together on their mutual friend's FB page.
You said in one of your posts that he doesn't have to pay for anything living with you, that he keeps his money and "lives like a king". Honey, I know it hurts, but he is using you.
He says he will leave if you keep pushing to see his phone? Well, keep pushing! He might leave....but I seriously doubt that you would be that lucky. He will leave just long enough to erase everything, then he will be back to "show you your wrong" and then use that to continue to torment and use you.
I feel like there is more that I could say about this, but I'm not going to because I can tell that you are hurting too much as it is. This man thinks he is a "player" and has convinced you that an innocent text conversation you had years ago justify his abuse of you--it doesn't. 
He is using you. You can either continue in your denial and let him make a fool of you for "love" or you can demand the genuine, transparent, trusting relationship that you deserve. The choice is totally up to you. I hope you make the right decision.
Best of Luck,
Evie


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

babykins said:


> @AlisonBlaire he doesn't like me questioning ANYTHING...even if I ask about his day and he tells me that someone has annoyed him...id ask why and he'd say stop asking they just did...every time there's something I question it comes back to "well you were texting your ex for a year of our relationship" which was the first year only and he saw all the messages! he received flowers from a chick for his birthday which he didn't tell me about YET the card was still in his wallet from 3-4 years ago until I found it a few months ago and he went CRAZY when I questioned it saying he did her a favour when he was working at the bank and that he threw the flowers out because he thinks its weird for guys to receive flowers....BUT why couldn't I be told about that? instead I'm lied to and then when I questioned it he's like but you were talking to your ex for a year! like you shouldn't have gotten married 4 years later if you couldn't get over it!


ALL of this is unacceptable! (Common courtesy says that if you are texting someone in another person's presence, you make it known who you are talking with. You shouldnt even have to ask.) Number 1, you should be able to have a normal conversation with your spouse. Number 2, keeping a card from a female other than his wife..in his wallet, secretly, for YEARS... very inappropriate and very wrong!




babykins said:


> @Orange_Pekoe I've done everything in my power lately to refrain from asking who he's texting or calling but I don't know how much more I can bite my tongue! if I lose it, he'll walk out as he's told me b4 which makes me question how much he values this marriage to be able to let it go so easy over a little questioning! &yes I've been doing the same...hiding my phone...I have a passcode on it...when he wants to show me something he used to grab my phone & show me like that...he'd NEVER use his but lately if he asks i'll say well you've got one you can get it out...don't know how much it'll bother him though!


LET HIM WALK. He doesnt expect you to call his bluff. AND, if he ISNT bluffing, then he isnt committed and is not worth having anyway, so you're better off! Keep your phone as secret as he does, until he opens his up to you, yours is off limits as well. 



babykins said:


> @abel402 we were at a party on the weekend and had our photo taken which he was reluctant to take as he knew it would end up on social media and he completely hates it (we both don't have one)...the following day pictures were posted of the party on social media and he lost it when he found out one pic of us was there and called the person who posted it demanding it be taken off (which they did)...I asked what the issue was & he said I don't like it end of story (not like that's a reasonable excuse)...I said your with your wife and doing nothing wrong so don't understand what the problem is and he blatantly said to me if you want to argue it then pack my ****...like who says that because of a question being asked!
> 
> however on a colleagues social media site, I found a selfie of him and her and he looked very happy to have taken one with her which is quite the opposite of what he looked like in the photo with me (I haven't told him I've seen it as he will completely EXPLODE) I don't know if he knows she's put it up...im going to bite my tongue for now and see how much I can keep it in for! if I confront him about this he'll blow up and say well I work with her get over it! double standards!


ALL OF THIS is also unacceptable and wrong! He is pretty much admitting to you that he is cheating! Demanding that a picture taken with YOU, HIS WIFE, be removed, yet hamming for the camera with another woman online for the world to see?? UGH. HE IS CHEATING. 

Like I said before, if he threatens to leave again, hold the damn door for him. Better yet, get rid of him before then.


----------



## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Eyvonne said:


> I have read through this entire thread, and SO MANY red flags jump out that I cannot take the time to list them.
> My H is, undeniably, a DASTARD (read my first post in my thread "I am so ashamed"), but even he has given me the code to his phones (both his personal cell and work cell).
> I have to tell you, I feel that you are in DEEP DENILE. He is cheating on you. The reason he walks the last block to work is because he has told his co-workers that the two of you are no longer together (same reason he demanded the facebook pic be taken down). I would go so far as to say that he is cheating with the co-worker he went to the wedding with--he doesn't want her to see you drop him off at work, he doesn't want her to see pics of you together on their mutual friend's FB page.
> You said in one of your posts that he doesn't have to pay for anything living with you, that he keeps his money and "lives like a king". Honey, I know it hurts, but he is using you.
> ...


^^^^ This!!

i was thinking the exact same thing. He has told everyone at work that you two are no longer together hence why no visits to his workplace, doesn't invite you to events where co-workers will be and no photos of the two of you together on FB... He is obviously cheating on you and quite possibly dating this other women on the side. 

Does he wear his wedding ring? 

I'm so sorry you are going through this but he is very clearly cheating on you and using you to pay his way and he is spending his money on his other woman...


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

babykins said:


> I'm letting him treat me this way *because I feel as though I've hurt and upset him in the past *which I thought I paid for but obviously not as it keeps coming back again so I deserve it..
> 
> yes I'm seeing a therapist and she's bewildered at how he's treating me also!


You're buying into his blame shifting with cash AND with credit cards.

STOP IT! 

This guy is in it for HIMSELF. If he hasn't made that abundantly clear, just log off completely and come on here and read this thread as though you were a complete stranger.

Ths original post hooked me (very familiar situation), and the rest of it completely convinced me - you need to get rid of him!!!


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

LOCKED (OR HIDDEN) PHONE = HIDING STUFF!!

Period....


----------



## ShouldIbehere (Mar 24, 2015)

hes hiding something. This is exactly how my wife started. I would say get out, but honestly do some snooping. Its not hard he has to sleep some time. There is always a way to get info. What kind of phone is it?


----------



## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

You have allowed this boy, not man, to treat you this way. You did not set boundaries for him to know what is acceptable and what is not. He is acting single, not married! You both cannot be in a union of partnership with him acting mentally disconnected from his wife! I say you need to get aggresive-quick. Like now. No more hiding you, no more hiding his phone...hiding hiding hiding! Geesh. If he doesn't give you the code right there and then when you ask, you are leaving for the night, or two, or three. Show me you love me, don't just say you do.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Let him walk...
> 
> With wondershare Dr phone, you can retrieve recently deleted messages, calls, pictures, sect.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


how will i use this if i have NO access to the phone..if i ask i'll get hammered for it&then ill hear all the bullsh*t of you dont trust me blah blah blah!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Jellybeans said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > im not allowed to go visit his work because he says he doesnt want to mix his personal and work life together... he doesnt let me either! &* if i drop him at work i cant take him into their parking, its got to be across the street *and he'll walk
> ...


yes i totally agree an animal is treated much better than i have been lately and ive done NOTHING wrong to bring it on except treat him like royalty! 

yes the pic scenario had me gobsmacked as i dont understand how asking a question leads to pack my sh*t...thats beyond childish&to be married and do that is ridiculouss! he has a pattern at losing it over every LITTLE thing!

ive noticed this for the past few months but i dont understand why someone cant just leave instead of sitting there playing around with someone elses head and feelings..like im shown NO value or compassion whatsoever!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I promise you, YOU are the ONLY person he 'loses it' with, except maybe his mother. Abusers often also abuse their mothers.
And that's only because everyone ELSE would chew him a new ******* if he treated them that way. YOU DON'T.

I promise you as well, if YOU got mad, if you walked out, if you chewed HIM out, he would start respecting you and start treating you better.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Forget key loggers, forget breaking into his phone, forget him. Because yes he is cheating. but that's the least of your worries.

You are 23. You have no kids. Ex him, he becomes someone else's problem. Who cares who, just not yours.

End this now. 

Find a man. You married a child. He is abusive. He is a manipulative bully. You staying with him is a YOU problem. Because you are the one who decided up to this point that this behavior is acceptable. Force yourself to break away from him.

This is all the advice you need. 

The end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Forget key loggers, forget breaking into his phone, forget him. Because yes he is cheating. but that's the least of your worries.
> 
> You are 23. You have no kids. Ex him, he becomes someone else's problem. Who cares who, just not yours.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

If your husband is doing something untoward, that might be what is triggering your instincts about behavior that is off. He cannot demand transparency from you without offering it himself. His treatment of you is appalling and it disturbs me that he is throwing your past behavior from years back as a justification for acting in the same manner himself. 

I could be wrong for saying this, but I think he knows what he is doing, and is going to continue acting without honor or compassion until you put your foot down. You have to decide what is good for you and your siblings. When he acts this way, does he do this in front of all your siblings?


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

babykins said:


> how will i use this if i have NO access to the phone..if i ask i'll get hammered for it&*then ill hear all the bullsh*t of you dont trust me blah blah blah*!


To which you reply "Damn right I don't. You've proven to me that I can't. If you're NOT hiding something, what's the problem"?

FWIW, your story is _somewhat_ similar to mine (though not exactly), and I divorced over it.

Your self esteem, your self worth and YOUR safety and sanity mean something, too - not just HIS....


----------



## traveler247 (Mar 31, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Traveler is not the only person on here who has had a spouse who constantly chats with, messages and texts people and then has everything password protected so that their spouse cannot see what they are doing. Almost every one of them found that their spouse had something to hide. They were cheating.
> 
> I too had a husband who did these things. One day he forgot to lock down his computer. So I looked. He was cheating.
> 
> ...


Re-read my post, I never said my husband chats and texts with people constantly, I said when we were first dating I always wanted to look at his phone and he thought that was a violation of his privacy..I've been on his phone numerous times and haven't found anything once. Just nerdy stuff, haha. My posting on this was me thinking it was initially a similar situation for this woman, but after reading more threads, that is not the case. He has to be hiding something, especially if he won't let a picture of his wife and him on a social media site, thats a huge red flag. I hope it works out babykins, but I wouldn't put up with it. I question how you guys even ended up married in the first place, if he showed signs of this from the beginning, I would have been reluctant to marry. Either way, I hope this discussion at least helps you relieve some stress by venting, and maybe finding a resolution to all of this. If he keeps threatening to walk out, let him, you definitely don't deserve that.


----------



## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I concur with FoolsCotton3, get the password. That doesn't mean you have to do that poorly. Be adult about it, walk up to him calmly and say, "Here are my passwords to my accounts. I believe that transparency in a relationship is part of a healthy trusting relationship. One of my boundaries is that I will not be with someone who cannot/will-not share their information or even acts like they are hiding information from me. You can choose to do as you please, but I will not put up with that behavior. I have given you my information, please give me yours immediately." if he says no, then stand by your boundary. You obviously are obsessing about it to the point of distraction so it is clearly important to you. And if it is a deal-breaker for you, and he decides to walk, then he saves you the effort of booting him. If he decides to abide by this boundary, then you have something to work from.

I don't think that is all you two have working against you though, so even if he clears this up, I'd look into MC.


----------



## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

I hope you have found the courage to find the answers you seek. You have a whole life ahead of you, make the most of it. Settle your mind and heart with knowing if he is being honest with you or not. We have intuition for a reason, use it.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

babykins said:


> I've done things for others all my life and now its time to think about myself first! when he asks me to do something, my reply is "well what do you do for me"...his excuse is that he works! well I sit at home study, are a carer for four younger children and also do everything around the house! that's more work than he'd do YET he gets paid for it *AND I never see one bit of the money...I pay for EVERYTHING at home so he basically lives like a king!*


Let me get this straight, you pay for _*EVERYTHING*_ at home and he doesn't contribute a dime to the household? Where he lives? So all his money is for play and this other chick?

That stops *NOW*. He pays or he goes. Since you pay for everything, you'd be a lot better off to toss him out.

IamSomebody


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

babykins,

Just read up on your story.

I hope you take seriously the fact that you are being abused and only you can stop it.

You do not deserve this kind of treatment. This isn't about payback from something in your past.

I hope things get better for you.

Please give us all an update when you can.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

intheory said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > *he doesn't come home from work too late..*.maybe 30mins or so after his shift is finished so I don't know if he's just finishing things up or up to no good..(
> ...


yes i do not currently work as im finishing off my degree at the moment and even though he does..i see NONE of that money..i still pay for literally EVERYTHING from savings i had previously.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> babykins,
> 
> Just read up on your story.
> 
> ...


i honestly feel like i deserve this kind of treatment as i hurt him in the past by msgn my ex for that first year of our relationship even though it was NOTHING MORE! he has made many mistakes also in what he's done to me but just brushes that off like its nothing and concentrates on what ive done..things go better a little because i keep my mouth shut&then when i cant hold it in anymore&confront him..**** hits the fan&he loses it..

i dont know what to do with my life anymore=(


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

IamSomebody said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > I've done things for others all my life and now its time to think about myself first! when he asks me to do something, my reply is "well what do you do for me"...his excuse is that he works! well I sit at home study, are a carer for four younger children and also do everything around the house! that's more work than he'd do YET he gets paid for it *AND I never see one bit of the money...I pay for EVERYTHING at home so he basically lives like a king!*
> ...


yes i pay for everything at home..bills, groceries, clothing, eating out..EVERYTHING..&i feel bad to ask for any money as he'll say but your siblings dont contribute so why should i...i buy things for him constantly nd he used to buy things for me b4 but not anymore..

he probably sits there and spends his money on someone else that i dont know about..i quickly checked his credit card statement koz he showed me but didnt see anything but maybe it wasnt looking far enough into it..i seriously dont know anymore


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Angelou said:


> I hope you have found the courage to find the answers you seek. You have a whole life ahead of you, make the most of it. Settle your mind and heart with knowing if he is being honest with you or not. We have intuition for a reason, use it.


Thank you for trying to reassure me..I have snooped and found various things which all had an explanation for but now i dont know what to keep thinking..do i snoop some more? i think im actually scared of what i'll find..he throws his phone at me to check which im stupid koz i dont but i dont know if im making excuses for him about when he decides to throw it at me..a relationship needs to have trust as if there isnt any, its nothing..so i dont know if i just stop overlooking things and put my trust in him and what he's telling me..in the end if he is cheating he'll look like the d*ck not me but it'll make me look like the idiot instead..


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

PM1 said:


> I concur with FoolsCotton3, get the password. That doesn't mean you have to do that poorly. Be adult about it, walk up to him calmly and say, "Here are my passwords to my accounts. I believe that transparency in a relationship is part of a healthy trusting relationship. One of my boundaries is that I will not be with someone who cannot/will-not share their information or even acts like they are hiding information from me. You can choose to do as you please, but I will not put up with that behavior. I have given you my information, please give me yours immediately." if he says no, then stand by your boundary. You obviously are obsessing about it to the point of distraction so it is clearly important to you. And if it is a deal-breaker for you, and he decides to walk, then he saves you the effort of booting him. If he decides to abide by this boundary, then you have something to work from.
> 
> I don't think that is all you two have working against you though, so even if he clears this up, I'd look into MC.


in all honesty its the secracy with the phone thats turned me insane as im sure everyone has heard stories etc to make them second guess when their other half is acting suspicious with their phone about what they're up to..

we tried MC but it did nothing..they just spoke a whole heap of sh*t which didnt help whatsoever...we need to work on this together but he doesnt see or understand how important this phone issue is to me and he doesnt want to try and make it better at all..he doesnt want to "give in" to what i want to make me feel better as he put it..so instead he'd rather have me make myself crazy about it instead of putting my mind at ease..i just wish he treated me like he used to..it doesnt help that my ex has been in contact with him telling him we've been talking again (which is completely bullsh*t!) and ive told my husband to check my phone records etc if he wants to believe him but says he believes me so i dont know if this is ground enough to stop questioning him about his phone also..soo confused=/


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

traveler247 said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Traveler is not the only person on here who has had a spouse who constantly chats with, messages and texts people and then has everything password protected so that their spouse cannot see what they are doing. Almost every one of them found that their spouse had something to hide. They were cheating.
> ...


that picture that he demanded be taken off still plays with my mind as to why..its you and your wife..maybe he doesnt want other "potential" future partners to see us together..i have been putting up with it because i honestly dont know what id do without him..noo he was NEVER like this prior to getting married..i was treated honestly like a princess and now i feel like our dog gets better treatment than i do which is probably the case..yess this discussion has helped ALOT..just being able to vent and get it out and have people talk back with their experiences/opinions helps a lot...it feels like i had no-one to talk to before and now all these people are willing to talk and help which makes me feel a little more worthwile than i have been lately..

i know if i let him walk out he'll have someone right away..ive always felt like he's been too good for me but which wife would do the things for her husband that i do..paying for everything especially..


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read any books on abuse yet? Everything you describe is that of an abuse victim. Everything.

Which means what?

That he will never change.

That the only hope for your happiness is to leave him. 

And why aren't your teenage siblings working and helping to pay for things?


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

babykins said:


> *i honestly feel like i deserve this kind of treatment as i hurt him* in the past by msgn my ex for that first year of our relationship even though it was NOTHING MORE! he has made many mistakes also in what he's done to me but just brushes that off like its nothing and concentrates on what ive done..things go better a little because i keep my mouth shut&then when i cant hold it in anymore&confront him..**** hits the fan&he loses it..
> 
> i dont know what to do with my life anymore=(


As long as you continue to think this way the abuse will continue.

You are allowing it by excusing it.

It will only get worse.

The very first lesson I learned when I came to TAM was that we teach people how to treat us.

Understand this...by allowing him to treat you this way, you are teaching him to abuse you.


----------



## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

babykins said:


> i dont know what to do with my life anymore=(


And, I really don't like hearing this.

This is a desparate cry for help. 

Good talk therapy will get you on a path toward self respect and confidence.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

babykins said:


> i know if i let him walk out he'll have someone right away.*.ive always felt like he's been too good for me *but which wife would do the things for her husband that i do..paying for everything especially..


Are you KIDDING ME?? The man is WORTHLESS!  Wow, he has really done a number on your head!


----------



## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Are you KIDDING ME?? The man is WORTHLESS!  Wow, he has really done a number on your head!


:iagree:

You're being more manipulated than words can say. HE is being a complete azz, blaming you, and you're allowing it!!!

There is some REALLY good advice on here. Please TAKE it.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you leave the phone issue out of it altogether, there is no reason for a person to be married or even be a friend to someone like your husband.

He doesn't contribute anything to the marriage. He hides you, is ashamed of being with you, wont let anyone see you in a picture, abuses you, mooches off you, burning up your savings I assume was left to you by your parents for you and your siblings.

He's a lying, cheating loser that's ashamed to be married to you but wont leave as long as youre paying all the bills. Who does that? who puts up with that?

Are you so bad you couldn't find another man? None of this adds up.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

turnera said:


> Have you read any books on abuse yet? Everything you describe is that of an abuse victim. Everything.
> 
> Which means what?
> 
> ...


no i havent read up on anything but its probably because im making excuses for him..

im hoping that with time he will eventually start to change but i dont know if im kidding myself..i cant find myself leaving him..i married him for a reason not to get divorced..ive worked so hard to make this work and i dont want to let it go down the drain..

no-one helps with nothing and maybe thats why he gets the way he does because he sees what everyone else does and that i do everything for everyone else so why shouldnt he get the same in return..at 29years i thought he'd give more of a sh*t and take responsibility for things.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Ceegee said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > *i honestly feel like i deserve this kind of treatment as i hurt him* in the past by msgn my ex for that first year of our relationship even though it was NOTHING MORE! he has made many mistakes also in what he's done to me but just brushes that off like its nothing and concentrates on what ive done..things go better a little because i keep my mouth shut&then when i cant hold it in anymore&confront him..**** hits the fan&he loses it..
> ...


people on here have given some really good advice but my suspicions about him cheating aernt confirmed..do i hire someone to look into this for me? im scared if he finds out that ive gone to that extent if i do..

do i straight out ask him if he's cheating?

he's treated me like a princess b4 but now he's degrading towards me..calls me dumb infront of my siblings and all..he wants the upper hand on everything..maybe he can treat me the way he used to once upon a time again...im tempted to tell him to go be with someone else to get it out of his system if thats his problem..im soo stupid for thinking this i know.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You mean your brothers and sisters aren't doing anything around the house either?


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> You mean your brothers and sisters aren't doing anything around the house either?


nothing..i do it all..one of the older two work yet spends it on himself..ive never had them say heres some money to contribute to the bills..at all..


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY free download. It may be written for men but it can't hurt. 

You have a husband, and two adult siblings living with you. You accepted the role of maid, butler, Gardner, student, mother, father, and cook to them all.

This causes disrespect in both directions with all of them. In their hearts they're ashamed of themselves for treating you so poorly and take it out on you. You know its not right so you can't respect them.

Somehow you need to get counseling. Its not your fault your parents died. You can't single handedly make it all right.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

babykins said:


> no i havent read up on anything but its probably because im making excuses for him..
> 
> im hoping that with time he will eventually start to change but i dont know if im kidding myself.


. You're getting excellent advice here, you're getting books to read, you're being told he won't change...and here you sit saying you're waiting for him to change.

You have all these people in your home and you can't even say to them that they owe you something? 

If this is a real thread, and you aren't willing to do any of the advice you're given, then I don't know what else to say to you.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

babykins said:


> an iphone 6 plus


Pretty sure an iPhone 6/+ requires a code due to the fingerprint scanner.

When I got mine I programmed three of my fingerprints into it and then I programmed my wifes index finger into it.

There should be no reason she can't acess my phone.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Hey guys,

I'm back! I know i should have come on to give everyone an update but i have been overly busy now working full time ontop of looking after a household.

So long story short..Husband had an email sent to him by someone (i presume my stalkerish, mentally retarted ex) talking ****&decided to believe it so he played the i'm so hurt, in so much pain, can't look at you etc card&left to his mummies house for the second time in 5 months!

Seriously you're almost 30 years old&you run to mummy each time things get a little tough instead of working on them together as a married couple should but i guess vows really meant nothing to him..

He told my younger siblings that he's going back to his parents for a little while (no time limit for them) however he told my 15yr old brother that he'll come back if we can sort things out which he didnt and doesn't know if he can..im gutted! how can someone thats supposed to be there for you through better or worse and made that promise in front of God just leave so easily..I asked him what his parents said when he told them&he said that they understood but were upset that it had to come back to him leaving...biggest mummy's boy you will ever meet like grow up seriously and become independent&look after your wife..his parents asked for how long&he said to them about two months, maybe more, maybe less or maybe for good..he stayed under the same roof for a week but didnt speak to me or sleep in the same room let alone bed..he's been gone now for two weeks&it's been the worst time of my life..he hardly took any of his clothes..his wardrobe is still 3/4 full so im confused! if he told me he WOULD definately be back i'd be more at ease but i'm dying inside not knowing..i havent contacted him at all but i go to each day but then i delete because he said he needed space for him which i didnt give him the first time..

ive done EVERYTHING and i mean EVERYTHING for this guy&look at how he's treating me! ive been soo sick lately with doctors and specialists going back and forth as my health has deteriorated pretty bad and it feels so strange not having him to talk to..

HELP what do i do??? do husbands ever come back..

I just wonder if he misses me or anything like that or he's content with mummy waiting on him hand and foot! cant stand the lady she seriously has always meddled in our livesss and he thinks its okay because she's his mummy&he lives with my YOUNGER siblings (which he knew what he was getting himself into prior to marrying me) im soo :rage::rage::rage: and  all in one!


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you are grieving because you know he's not going to stick around. Even if he comes back again, there'll just be a next time, and a next until he finally stops coming back at all.

You don't have to do anything about this right now. I think you need to just work through the pain for a while. Get through each day as best you can. The day will come when you start to feel a bit better. Just keep working towards that.


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

breeze said:


> I think you are grieving because you know he's not going to stick around. Even if he comes back again, there'll just be a next time, and a next until he finally stops coming back at all.
> 
> You don't have to do anything about this right now. I think you need to just work through the pain for a while. Get through each day as best you can. The day will come when you start to feel a bit better. Just keep working towards that.



In my heart i'm hoping he will come back because he hasn't taken all his things&he still has the key etc. &could come get his things during the day if he really wanted to..I just feel like he really did need his space to think and some time out but I won't settle for this being the solution each and everytime things get a little rough because that's not right and not the way to go..i literally dont feel like i can function..my head isnt there..im not me..&ontop of everything i'm really sick so all i keep thinking is things are going from bad to worse..i seriously feel cursed as nothing in my life ever goes right!

thanks for your words breeze! appreciate it=)


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to pack his things and drop them off at his mommy's. He isn't marriage material. He doesn't have the stones or integrity.

I was going to tell you to get rid of the girly man but that would be disrespectful of girls and girly men.

If you want a life of drama with a weasal go ahead. Doesn't look much like father material though for your kids.

With your health issues it looks like he's gone when you needed him most.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBOQgL731Ac


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why do you even want this POS to come back? One less mouth to feed on YOUR dime.

Move on from this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

he msgd me and said he can't do it anymore..after only two weeks of his two month break..he said he loves me but isn't in love with me anymore but I don't believe that..I don't know who has gotten to his head or what they're playing at but he's not the man i married..I believe he's using any excuse to get out&i called his Dad and told him everything infront of his son..every wrong ive made and every wrong he's made..i told his dad that i think he's mentally unstable and needs help who he agrees with me on..

I don't know why but i think he's playing the victim card and using not loving me as an excuse because its the first ive heard of it..I really don't believe he doesnt love me..how can you fall out of love with someone so quickly especially someone you're married to..

Can a husband/wife fall in love with eachother all over again after taking time to realise what they actually have/had?

I love the guy and am willing to make it work but he's been soo adamant that he wants out&thinks we can get a divorce tomorrow which obviously wont happen! 

im soo angry and confused right now i seriously want to slap him so bad for doing this to me and my siblings!


----------



## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi babykins sorry you are going through this. I have to say it does sound like both of you have some growing up to do (your texting the ex while he tried to emotionally blackmail you and not telling ur bf probably cuz you thought it would cause a problem) The good news is immaturity is not fatal and can be over come. The real problem is either he is trying to control you or he is up to no good. As for going to a wedding with out you was a major bad sign, then lying about the pictures, either he is fooling around or he has way too much growing up to do. Either way it can be overcome but both of you will have to do some growing up. Dont worry we have all been immature at one time. Good luck


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Blaine said:


> Hi babykins sorry you are going through this. I have to say it does sound like both of you have some growing up to do (your texting the ex while he tried to emotionally blackmail you and not telling ur bf probably cuz you thought it would cause a problem) The good news is immaturity is not fatal and can be over come. The real problem is either he is trying to control you or he is up to no good. As for going to a wedding with out you was a major bad sign, then lying about the pictures, either he is fooling around or he has way too much growing up to do. Either way it can be overcome but both of you will have to do some growing up. Dont worry we have all been immature at one time. Good luck


Hi Blaine,

Thank you for your honest reply..

I totally agree with you in the sense that we've both got flaws we need to work on..However, me texting my ex happened when we FIRST started going out and even though that doesnt justify it, it still needs to be left in the past and what needs to be focused on is our marriage nd from when we got married..All his lies he did through when we have been married..I've NEVER lied about anything during our marriage and have always been faithful..

I'm just shattered that he told me he loves and cares for me but isn't in love with me..like i know he's angry, hurt and upset right now and i'm trying to figure out if he's actually telling the truth or he doesnt know what he's saying and that he's confused..

he told me he LOVED me before he left to his parents house THREE weeks ago&now this..was he lying to me then and just saying it for the sake of saying it..im soo confused but i REALLY want to work things out and fix my marriage..i miss EVERYTHING about him and US! i'm not willing to give up soo easily! that's not the type of person i am..

BUT all these lies make me think otherwise and that there is someone else!


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ilybnilwy, is cheater speak for I have found someone else. He's telling you who he is, he's making it plain. Trust him and move on. You picked a bad one now you get a do over.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

babykins said:


> .how can you fall out of love with someone so quickly especially someone you're married to..


Simple, you fall in love with someone you're not married to.

He's cheating, I know it, everyone on this forum knows it except you.
That phenomenon never fails to amaze me.

Have him served divorce papers.

Go for as much alimony as you can.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The others have summed this up.

If he isn't willing to come clean, stop lying and get into MC with you then there is nothing to save here.

Sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> Ilybnilwy, is cheater speak for I have found someone else. He's telling you who he is, he's making it plain. Trust him and move on. You picked a bad one now you get a do over.


no-one ever wants to believe that about their other half but quite frankly thats what everyone has told me..but i cant sit here and judge but only make assumptions..what if he really is going through a mid-life crisis and this is a cry out for help..but if he isn't willing to speak about it then how can anyone help him!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

tacoma said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > .how can you fall out of love with someone so quickly especially someone you're married to..
> ...


but why CHEAT and why not be a man instead of a child and come clean about it and tell the truth..we've always spoken soo bad about people who cheat on their partners and why they can't just tell them how they feel instead of doing things behind their back and he was always against cheating..which is what makes me think otherwise..i don't know where this guys head is at right now but someone needs to knock some sense into him!


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> The others have summed this up.
> 
> If he isn't willing to come clean, stop lying and get into MC with you then there is nothing to save here.
> 
> ...


i wish i knew what his brain was thinking and where his head is at..it's driving me insane not knowing! everyone says marriage counselling is a complete waste of time and we tried it twice and the stupid lady said that if I don't stop being needy then it's okay for him to leave which is bullsh**!! which woman isn't needy in some way..&he's taken that as another excuse to leave and didn't stop throwing it back at me! 

everything is fixable but obviously it's gotta happen both ways...


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

babykins said:


> but why CHEAT and why not be a man instead of a child and come clean about it and tell the truth..we've always spoken soo bad about people who cheat on their partners and why they can't just tell them how they feel instead of doing things behind their back and he was always against cheating..which is what makes me think otherwise..i don't know where this guys head is at right now but someone needs to knock some sense into him!


LOL! You would probably be surprised at the amount of cheaters that talk down about cheating and seriously hate on cheaters.

There are a couple weeks reformed cheaters that I have read about right here that always hated on cheaters and still do.

Although they have a little more insight after getting caught you might say!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

babykins said:


> i wish i knew what his brain was thinking and where his head is at..it's driving me insane not knowing! everyone says marriage counselling is a complete waste of time and we tried it twice and the stupid lady said that if I don't stop being needy then it's okay for him to leave which is bullsh**!! which woman isn't needy in some way..&he's taken that as another excuse to leave and didn't stop throwing it back at me!
> 
> everything is fixable but obviously it's gotta happen both ways...


Maybe there is a good reason why the counsellor said you were being needy, but instead of thinking about this and looking for ways to improve the marriage, you've thrown it aside and refused to look into it. Did it seem like too much effort?

You've sort of displayed a needy clinginess in your posts. I understand wanting to save a marriage, but if the other person just doesn't want to, at what point do you step back for a bit and start re-assessing?


----------



## babykins (Mar 31, 2015)

breeze said:


> babykins said:
> 
> 
> > i wish i knew what his brain was thinking and where his head is at..it's driving me insane not knowing! everyone says marriage counselling is a complete waste of time and we tried it twice and the stupid lady said that if I don't stop being needy then it's okay for him to leave which is bullsh**!! which woman isn't needy in some way..&he's taken that as another excuse to leave and didn't stop throwing it back at me!
> ...


well no they're not really supposed to say things like that because they're basically telling you what you need to do and to me thats not right..my neediness only ever went as far as wanting to be open about everything and wanting to be able to share things..his phone being private made me suspicious which i have a right to question and he didnt like that..

&as soon as she said that i did start to improve and he even said i did but the way he started getting with his phone and being more private with it than ever made me question so i started snooping&did find many things which left a question mark and he got angry about that..but if you were suspicious of something your husband was doing would you just leave it alone and let it go?

like i said..things started to get better and then this comes out of the blue which is not making sense to me..at which point am i supposed to give up? what just take and do what he wants and be done with it because its what HE wants? what about what I want? its a marriage not a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario..


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Actually, anyone is free to leave a marriage, that is why they have divorce.

You're making marriage as if it is a permanent status for life, but the truth is, anyone can leave for any reason.

So, you are still married, but you do not have a relationship. Marriage does not equate a romantic interest.

Your neediness is controlling, trying to make him love you and be with you. You cannot, but your issues are driving him away.

Whether he is trustworthy or mature enough for a committed relationship should not be your main focus, it should be ways in improving yourself.

Perhaps if you start being more independent, your own person, then he does not look so good as a partner.

Besides your love, what traits does he possess at present that make him marriage material. You are blinded by your love not to see that perhaps the current him is not the correct person you should want or need.

If you were able to detach and take a step back and analyze your situation, you know that you should work towards freeing yourself. You cannot make another person right for the life you want, and if you cannot accept him as this flawed individual, then you are trying to turn him into something he is not. Hence, you want to control him.

If you detached, your life would be more stable without him in it, and I wonder if you have an addiction to drama. You found a guy that when things get uncomfortable, instead of working on it, he bails. He comes and goes into your life as he pleases, and you're a doormat with a welcome sign waiting for him. You know what, it keeps him as an immature person. People need consequences to grow, and him treating your relationship poorly with little or no consequences is keeping him in a perpetual state of an adolescent.

How about you work on you instead of trying to change him to suit you. Look at your own unstable emotional state and tell me that you do not have your own issues.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

babykins said:


> well no they're not really supposed to say things like that because they're basically telling you what you need to do and to me thats not right..my neediness only ever went as far as wanting to be open about everything and wanting to be able to share things..his phone being private made me suspicious which i have a right to question and he didnt like that..
> 
> &as soon as she said that i did start to improve and he even said i did but the way he started getting with his phone and being more private with it than ever made me question so i started snooping&did find many things which left a question mark and he got angry about that..but if you were suspicious of something your husband was doing would you just leave it alone and let it go?
> 
> like i said..things started to get better and then this comes out of the blue which is not making sense to me..at which point am i supposed to give up? what just take and do what he wants and be done with it because its what HE wants? what about what I want? its a marriage not a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario..


If I were suspicious about something I'd dig and dig until every nasty little secret was exposed to the light of day. I'd use every trick they advise and I'd find out.

The problem I see is that you don't seem to have any conviction behind all this talk. You don't like a lot about the relationship, but you don't actually do anything about it. It's as if you lack any motivation to actually do anything to improve your situation and use the excuse that it'll make him angry or upset him, and he might walk out. Maybe that's exactly what needs to happen. As they say, you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. We all go through tough periods in our relationships, but if he can't handle it now, there's not a chance in hell he'll make it through the rest. Follow the suggestions and find out if he's cheating and tell him he can contribute to the household expenses, because to mooch off his wife who is also supporting her siblings is so pathetic he should have a huge "L" tattooed on his forehead.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

babykins said:


> we tried it twice and the *stupid lady said that if I don't stop being needy* then it's okay for him to leave which is bullsh**!! which woman isn't needy in some way..&he's taken that as another excuse to leave and didn't stop throwing it back at me!
> 
> everything is fixable but obviously it's gotta happen both ways...


babykins, you ARE needy. It's quite clear to us, to your friends and family. YOU just don't want to hear it.

And quess what kind of men NEEDY women get?

USERS.

Let him go, start going to personal therapy, every week, and ask her to help you learn to love yourself. Because guess what? Women who love themselves ARE NOT NEEDY.

Why? Because they love themselves and they KNOW that they are worth A LOT. They know they deserve a decent man who will NOT cheat, will NOT blame the cheating on the woman, will not lie, and who will respect her, treat her well, and keep her feeling like a princess. And if the man does NOT treat her like that, guess what a woman who loves herself does? 

SHE LEAVES HIM.

You need to learn to love yourself so all this drama you're in is a moot point because he'd be long gone because you would have never put up with his crap, you'd never keep making excuses for him, you'd never blame yourself (or a MC) for what he does. And you'd stop trying to justify staying with him like you've been doing here.

Get some professional help for YOU.


----------

