# Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)



## SomeLady

I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how little I do all day as a SAHM. I do some housework, and I make sure the kids don't burn the house down. Mostly, though, I goof around on the Internet.

This doesn't seem right to me. I feel like I should be doing more. Shouldn't I be working as if I were at a job? What job lets you goof off on the computer?

And, assuming a SAHM does all the housework possible during the day so that very little needs to be done on weekends and evenings, should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so. But, I also wonder if the reason I spend a couple of hours on the computer in the morning after everybody has left for the day isn't because I was doing all the stuff you do to get kids ready for school. Then, too, I also cook dinner and clean up afterwards. (H does the bedtime routine. I insist on this. I tell him it's because he should have that special daddy time with the kids. But, it's also because by that time, I'm pretty much ready to not deal with the kids any more for the day!)

I'm trying to be a better wife. Better housekeeping is part of that. So, I've been thinking about these things and I wondered what other people thought.


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## Gratitude

My daughter is nearly 4. I worked up until 8 months pregnant then went back to work full time when she was 2 and then stopped six months ago when my husband started his new job working away. Luckily he earns quite a bit so it's given me time to stay at home again with my lil one. 

Because I am home all day I don't expect him to do any housework. I'm pretty fanatical about it anyway. He doesn't mind helping out, but I don't ask. He's been non stop at work and hasn't had the breaks that I have, so I don't expect him to come home and work too when I have the time and he is financially supporting us. Not even bedtimes. Story and quality time is nice and he likes to do it, but I wouldn't ask.

What do I do all day? Housework, play time (when she's not at kindy), trips to the store peacefully (sigh) ... not alot of computer time, maybe a phone call to a friend, run more errands, pay bills etc ... you know the drill.

I'm looking forward to going back to work when she starts proper school so for now I'm enjoying what I have. Why are you trying to be a better wife? Has he complained?

My advice is, if you're bored at home find a hobby or part time work. Don't complain to your husband about it (not that I'm saying you do). As long as my house is clean and my child and husband are happy, I'm happy.


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## chillymorn

SomeLady said:


> I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how little I do all day as a SAHM. I do some housework, and I make sure the kids don't burn the house down. Mostly, though, I goof around on the Internet.
> 
> This doesn't seem right to me. I feel like I should be doing more. Shouldn't I be working as if I were at a job? What job lets you goof off on the computer?
> 
> And, assuming a SAHM does all the housework possible during the day so that very little needs to be done on weekends and evenings, should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so. But, I also wonder if the reason I spend a couple of hours on the computer in the morning after everybody has left for the day isn't because I was doing all the stuff you do to get kids ready for school. Then, too, I also cook dinner and clean up afterwards. (H does the bedtime routine. I insist on this. I tell him it's because he should have that special daddy time with the kids. But, it's also because by that time, I'm pretty much ready to not deal with the kids any more for the day!)
> 
> I'm trying to be a better wife. Better housekeeping is part of that. So, I've been thinking about these things and I wondered what other people thought.


the cats out of the bag SAHM have it easy.
if you can get the house work done during the day then why not?

maybe a part time job.


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## SomeLady

I'd like to have a PT job, but it would have to be on the weekend due to our location/living circumstances. So, that would be me away from the family on his days off. This is something we may do for financial reasons, but I don't think it's anything to do with what a woman should be doing while her husband is working outside the home.


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## CandieGirl

When I was a SAHM, I was always out...go figure. I went to the gym, I took the baby to playgroup, I shopped, visited friends...then I'd be home in time for the older kids to get in from school, do a bit of clean up and make dinner. It was an easy life.

Now, I work full time outside the home. I long for those easier days, where I had plenty of me time. Now, there doesnt' seem to be time to get anything done! I'd love to be able to quit my job...definitely not one of those women who would be 'bored' if they had to stay home all day. No sirree...!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I'm disabled with a spine injury, so I'm limited to what I can do in a single day.

I clean the house, I clean one thing, the rest, another thing will get done, then rest. I bike 20-30 minutes and I will often bake bread, pie, or a snack for the kids, so they have something to eat when they come home. I rest in between every activity. 

I also take care of the dogs and chickens. We have a flock of 8 hens that give us fresh eggs. I clean the coop and their run 2-5 times a day.

When I rest, I'm on the internet. I do not watch much tv. When the kids get home, I get them started in their homework and make dinner. Dinner is done at 5-5:30. After that I take the night off resting and spend time with my husband and kids.


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## A Bit Much

If you're on the computer quite a bit, take an online class. Or better yet take a class at your local college. Exercise. Join a gym. Tend a garden. Read more.

All of that can be squeezed between keeping up with the household chores. When the kids get home, they will take up the rest of your time, and so will your husband. 

I know if I was a SAHM I wouldn't be bored at all.


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## Gratitude

My best friends ex used to say 'what do you do all day, watch Oprah?' and 'wish I had your life'... luckily my husband has never made those comments, probably because he likes sleeping inside.


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## Ten_year_hubby

SomeLady said:


> should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so.


What? So your husband should drive someplace, work all day, drive back home and do half (or more) of the housework? That's what I do but I'm not real happy about it. I would be more than happy to trade places, stay home all day, do all the cooking, housework and kid stuff and let her go out and work and be responsible for providing. She can come home and do whatever she wants and I'll cook all the meals instead of half.

That said, I don't hold my wife to the same standard as myself. I expect her to be responsible for the kids while I'm gone, do all the laundry, try to pick up after herself, do at least one chore per day and make an effort to be pleasant and respectful when I'm home. If she does more (and she often does) that's great.


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## Mavash.

I'm a sahm with 3 school aged kids. Between dropping off and picking up from TWO schools I have exactly 5.5 hours per day open. That's not a lot of time....

That said I work out, I eat right, laundry, dishes, cook, buy groceries, clean up, and yes I play on the computer. However my day doesn't end at 5pm it's 24/7.

Pick up the kids and it's homework times three plus I watch an extra kid for money. Cook dinner, clean up, do baths, finish up housework, spend time with kids and hubby. My husband and I do tag team the evenings because it's gets pretty hectic here. 

I have every intention of getting a part time job as soon as the kids are old enough to stay at home by themselves for a few hours a day. If I did it now any money I made would go to after school care and daycare during the summers. It's not worth it.

My logic is as long as the house is clean, kids are taken care of, I cook, etc. what difference does it make if I play on the internet? I happen to know plenty of people who work and play on the internet during the day. How is what they do different than what I do?


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## Tall Average Guy

Mavash. said:


> I'm a sahm with 3 school aged kids. Between dropping off and picking up from TWO schools I have exactly 5.5 hours per day open. That's not a lot of time....
> 
> That said I work out, I eat right, laundry, dishes, cook, buy groceries, clean up, and yes I play on the computer. However my day doesn't end at 5pm it's 24/7.
> 
> Pick up the kids and it's homework times three plus I watch an extra kid for money. Cook dinner, clean up, do baths, finish up housework, spend time with kids and hubby. My husband and I do tag team the evenings because it's gets pretty hectic here.
> 
> I have every intention of getting a part time job as soon as the kids are old enough to stay at home by themselves for a few hours a day. If I did it now any money I made would go to after school care and daycare during the summers. It's not worth it.
> 
> My logic is as long as the house is clean, kids are taken care of, I cook, etc. what difference does it make if I play on the internet? I happen to know plenty of people who work and play on the internet during the day. How is what they do different than what I do?


This is my wife, minus watching the extra kid. She volunteers a lot at the school. I think the biggest thing she does is running the errands during the day, when the stores are not so busy. She will often pick up things I need at the hardware store so that I can handle projects at night or on weekends without having to navigate the crowds. She also makes sure the beer fridge stays stocked.:smthumbup:

She views her job as making our lives easier so that we have more free time in the evening and on weekends.


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## Mavash.

Tall Average Guy said:


> This is my wife, minus watching the extra kid. She volunteers a lot at the school. I think the biggest thing she does is running the errands during the day, when the stores are not so busy. She will often pick up things I need at the hardware store so that I can handle projects at night or on weekends without having to navigate the crowds. She also makes sure the beer fridge stays stocked.:smthumbup:
> 
> She views her job as making our lives easier so that we have more free time in the evening and on weekends.


Exactly. I used to volunteer a lot as well but it got to be too time consuming so I quit.

Errands are time consuming no doubt even during the day. Takes me TWO hours a week just to buy groceries (I go to multiple stores - all close together - to save the most money).

Then if my husband needs something I get his stuff too. Sometimes I even bring him lunch to work when he's too busy to get away. I also handle all the finances.


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## gonefishin

Somelady

I want to defend the stay at home moms. My wife gave up a career to stay at home and be there for our kids. Very big sacrifice. I think it is the toughest job on the planet. It is not a 8-5 job, so if my wife wants "me time" for a couple hours during the day so what. There is a huge trade off for the stay at home moms or dads.

Now, for those of you that stay at home and your house is dirty, and the kids are doing poorly in school you must ask yourself; what is the point of me being home?

Personally, I think some kids are getting short changed not having a parent around when they walk through the front door after school.


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## kag123

I would love to be a SAHM. Sadly we cannot afford that so I work full time and so does my husband. I did do this for one year though when I was unemployed. I spent my free time (after the basic childcare duties, housework and cleaning) accomplishing projects around the house. I taught myself how to do some basic hone maintenance and basic car maintenance. I took care of the stuff that was piling up on the "honey do" list, I figures there was no reason why I couldn't learn to do some of that stuff myself. Projects included fixing the toilet (seal was bad, replaced the seal and fixed the leaking pipes), cleaned out and rerouted the dryer vent, retired the bathroom, painted a few rooms, did basic car things like change oil in the car, replace batteries, etc. I would also try to do something nice for my husband like clean his car inside and out, meet him at his office and bring him lunch, iron his clothes (we have stopped ironing now lol), take his suits to the dry cleaner. I was just learning to sew when I got a new job, made curtains for the house and a couple dresses for my little girl. I am not the type of person who can sit still. I loved staying home and honestly felt so much more productive then than I do now that I work 50-60 hour weeks!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby

stritle said:


> if that's how the op was intended, i misinterpreted.
> 
> i took it as the housework is done. stuff that's above and beyond a days work is split evenly.
> 
> the situation you describe is not cool at all. if you are willing to do that much though, why wouldn't she allow it to continue, as there is no reprecussion to her action (or lack there-of).
> 
> if i slave drove my wife into double duty like that and she just did it without pushing back, i would probably lose respect for her.


Please. One would have to have respect in the first place to lose any. What exactly is above and beyond a days work? What exactly is a days work? It's sort of up to the individual and everyone is different. We see numerous different descriptions in this thread and some of these ladies' days sound pretty long.

My wife and I come from different family backgrounds from different parts of the country and we have different physical and emotional capabilities and maturity levels.

Honestly, all that cleaning and cooking just isn't that difficult for me, no matter how hard it is for my wife. And I love doing it because I love her and I love my kids and I love doing stuff for them. I would be happier staying home because I like being home. But I don't stay home because we want stuff.

Courtesy of her parents, my wife doesn't have any respect for married people, including herself. To the extent that she picks up more load, enhanced self-respect seems to be a major motivation for her. I've got it and she wants what I've got so she does what I do.


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## lovinmyhubby223

I suddenly became a SAHM, quitting my job when circumstances made it necessary for me to take custody of my two nieces. I am a true believer in being home with the kids until they are at least out of elementary school. So for 7 years I did the whole take care of kids, clean, cook, be there for husband thing and I think it was a fair trade. Husband works full time but still managed to swoop in and help when the stress of raising two girls (14 months apart) who truly seem to hate each other would have me twitching or rubbing my temples. 

Then daddy (not wanting to pay child support) decided to take full custody of his girls so there I was childless again but with no job and only the wifely duties to do. (By the way take 7 years off to raise children then try to find work in this economy)

So now yes I do spend time on the computer, sometimes extensive time on the computer and I feel guilty but I do what I can to make my hubby’s life as comfortable as possible. I get up with him at 4am make breakfast and his lunch and see him off to work. During the day I clean, do laundry, the yard work, repairs around the house and have dinner ready when he gets home. I do all the shopping, bill paying, errands and tend to the girls every other weekend. It helps too that for the past year and a half my sex drive has topped the charts and so hubby never goes without. He likes it when I’ve spent my time arranging something special for when he gets home (and I’m not talking dinner). I feel better when I can make it possible for my hubby to have no responsibilities once he gets home.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My husband is not dissatisfied whatsoever if I could not get something done that day. Living in severe pain 24/7 has it's limitations. My husband has zero expectations of me either. Nor do I of him. There is nothing wrong with being a SAHM. I do what I can, I push my limits. 

The people who have a problem with it seem to be jealous. Not once have I ever been lazy, not even with my disability. I have 2 neck herniations. Anyone with a herniation knows how painful and difficult it is to live in this condition. I'm a prisoner in my own body and home. If it wasn't for the support of my husband, I would not want to live through this. 

So what if I'm online on and off all day, my other alternative is to watch television. I focus my attention on my husband at night. Once dinner is done, the kids do the dishes, take their baths/showers, Which leaves time for hubby and I to do whatever. 

My children are older, which they are more independent. It's nice to have their help. On the weekends I teach them how to cook/bake. We do a lot of crafts as well. 

We are a very happy family. I've been at home for 11-12 years. I've enjoyed every minute of it. Before I broke my neck, I ran 6 miles a day, I would then mow our lawn by hand for 4 hours, do all the yard work and keep the garage clean. I miss those days when I was pain free. Now I have my flock of chickens and dogs to keep me busy. 

Someday I'll have another neck surgery, hopefully then I'll be pain free. Although they say I have permanent nerve damage, so we'll see when the time comes. 

I read a lot of articles online. I keep myself busy. I never find myself bored. My husband is extremely supportive of me and we have a very strong and healthy marriage.


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## SomeLady

Ten_year_hubby said:


> What? So your husband should drive someplace, work all day, drive back home and do half (or more) of the housework?


Half of the things that need to be done on a weekend or in the evening? Maybe. If the main stuff is done during the week, and all that remains is meal prep and clean up, kids bedtimes, and the odd other thing why not split it evenly?

I find that I can do pretty much everything so long as my husband does the bedtime. He also helps in the morning. He usually gets the boys' breakfast (cereal or toast) while I'm getting my hair and face ready. He usually helps with the rush of getting coats and boots on the kids so they can be out the door. I always make their packed lunches.

Tomorrow we're renting a Rug Doctor (I am ridiculously excited about this :lol and he's going to help with things like moving the furniture, etc.

On the weekends, the only meal I always prepare is dinner. Sometimes lunch. I don't cook three meals a day, every day. Sometimes I wonder if I should.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

SomeLady said:


> Tomorrow we're renting a Rug Doctor (I am ridiculously excited about this :lol and he's going to help with things like moving the furniture, etc.


We have a Hoover Steam rug cleaner that I LOVE! Since I'm very picky about the carpet, I steam them every 6 months or if they look dirty from the dogs tracking in dirt.

I bring the water just to a boil before adding to the machine. It seems to work well. Our machine is just like a vacuum cleaner. 

I couldn't live without it!


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## SomeLady

I used to have one of those machines - a Bissell - but I gave it away when we moved to a house that had no carpet. Then, we moved to a house with carpet. 

I didn't think the cleaner I had was all that great. I think the Rug Doctor is supposed to be better. I sure hope so. I don't care if the carpet looks perfect. If there are stains, that's OK. But, I can't handle the obvious superficial layer of dirt on top! I'm going to buy some cleaner to use with a rag when the kids spill stuff and then rent this thing a couple times a year.


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## southern wife

chillymorn said:


> maybe a part time job.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## WhereAmI

SomeLady said:


> Half of the things that need to be done on a weekend or in the evening? Maybe. If the main stuff is done during the week, and all that remains is meal prep and clean up, kids bedtimes, and the odd other thing why not split it evenly?
> 
> I find that I can do pretty much everything so long as my husband does the bedtime. He also helps in the morning. He usually gets the boys' breakfast (cereal or toast) while I'm getting my hair and face ready. He usually helps with the rush of getting coats and boots on the kids so they can be out the door. I always make their packed lunches.


This is pretty much how my H and I handle things. I get everything done during the day and when he gets home my job ends (just like his) and we're a team. After dinner he typically cleans the kitchen while I clean the living room and vacuum the house. 

He never has to do laundry, major cleaning, reorganizing, dusting, minor repairs, etc. On occasion he'll do one of these things to be helpful, but he knows I have everything under control.


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## SomeLady

WhereAmI said:


> This is pretty much how my H and I handle things. I get everything done during the day and when he gets home my job ends (just like his) and we're a team. After dinner he typically cleans the kitchen while I clean the living room and vacuum the house.
> 
> He never has to do laundry, major cleaning, reorganizing, dusting, minor repairs, etc. On occasion he'll do one of these things to be helpful, but he knows I have everything under control.


I think that is the ideal.

The truth is, I am pretty damn efficient. I can clean the bathroom in ten minutes (and I mean a deep clean that includes mopping the floors and polishing the taps.) The house is really pretty tidy. We have little "hot spots" of clutter because not everything has a home (it doesn't help that we've rented a house that is "furnished" with the personal belongings of the landlord's deceased mother. But, that's a vent for another day.) I do think I could spend more time scrubbing base boards and just generally looking for things to clean. I try to do that more and more. 

Honestly, time spent with the kids is where I need to work even harder. I tend to let the older boys do their own thing (play outside with friends, watch tv, play on computer). I should probably spend more time down on the floor with them, really interacting with them. I've never been good at that.


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## southern wife

SomeLady said:


> He also helps in the morning. He usually gets the boys' breakfast (cereal or toast) while I'm getting my hair and face ready.


*I have to ask, WHAT do you have to get your hair and face ready for, if you're a SAHM? * :scratchhead:








SomeLady said:


> I usually only prepare dinner on the weekends. Sometimes lunch. I don't cook three meals a day, every day. Sometimes I wonder if I should.


I think you should cook dinner during the week. Who does that, your husband after he's worked all day? He comes home to cook AND put the kids to bed? While you're "resting" from your day on the computer? :scratchhead:


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## SomeLady

southern wife said:


> *I have to ask, WHAT do you have to get your hair and face ready for, if you're a SAHM? * :scratchhead:


For my husband. And so that I feel better about myself. He was coming home to an ungroomed schmuck in pajamas and glasses every evening. So, I get myself ready every morning, just like anybody else with a job.  It only takes about ten minutes. Pouring cereal into bowls takes even less time than that. 




southern wife said:


> I think you should cook dinner during the week. Who does that, your husband after he's worked all day? He comes home to cook AND put the kids to bed? While you're "resting" from your day on the computer? :scratchhead:


I mean that I cook ONLY dinner on the weekends. I cook dinner every night of the week, unless I'm tired or poorly. We tend to snack on sandwiches and so forth during weekend days. Sometimes I'll make a big lunch. Of course we fix things for the kids to eat - both of us do that.


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## Unhappy2011

SomeLady said:


> I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how little I do all day as a SAHM. I do some housework, and I make sure the kids don't burn the house down. Mostly, though, I goof around on the Internet.
> 
> This doesn't seem right to me. I feel like I should be doing more. Shouldn't I be working as if I were at a job? What job lets you goof off on the computer?
> 
> And, assuming a SAHM does all the housework possible during the day so that very little needs to be done on weekends and evenings, should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so. But, I also wonder if the reason I spend a couple of hours on the computer in the morning after everybody has left for the day isn't because I was doing all the stuff you do to get kids ready for school. Then, too, I also cook dinner and clean up afterwards. (H does the bedtime routine. I insist on this. I tell him it's because he should have that special daddy time with the kids. But, it's also because by that time, I'm pretty much ready to not deal with the kids any more for the day!)
> 
> I'm trying to be a better wife. Better housekeeping is part of that. So, I've been thinking about these things and I wondered what other people thought.


Wow finally one admits it.

That's not a knock. I am sure you have a good life and congrats to you.

I have just been listening to some SAHMs I know for years talk about how "hard" their lives are and how if they were to be paid it would be worth like $100,000 and blah blah blah.

I just want to say to them to cut the crap. 

Being a SAHM has to be a pretty sweet gig. No shame in that, but the ones who makes themselves out to be martyrs, cut the crap.

Some of us actually work for a living and don't want to hear that BS.


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## SprucHub

southern wife said:


> *I have to ask, WHAT do you have to get your hair and face ready for, if you're a SAHM? * :scratchhead:
> 
> I think you should cook dinner during the week. Who does that, your husband after he's worked all day? He comes home to cook AND put the kids to bed? While you're "resting" from your day on the computer? :scratchhead:


I was wondering about this too? Why not get ready once the boys are out of the house? On the other stuff - however people decide to divide labor is their choice.


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## SomeLady

SprucHub said:


> I was wondering about this too? Why not get ready once the boys are out of the house? On the other stuff - however people decide to divide labor is their choice.


I don't see anybody else, most days (don't leave the house, much). I want to look nice for my husband. 

We both get up about six or seven. The boys leave for school at 8:45. I'll usually get myself dressed and put together while husband pours bowls of cereal. When I come downstairs, husband is usually on the computer, checking the day's news. 

I change the 2yo's nappy, and get the older boys dressed. I make their packed lunches. Husband and I both tell them over and over to get their boots and coats on and we both herd them out the door. 

When the boys have left, my husband gets in the shower and gets ready for work.

When my husband gets home, I try to have the house tidy for him. Toys picked up off floor. Laundry put away. Floor vaccuumed. Dishes washed. I'll start preparing dinner once he's home. We eat, then I'll wash up and clean the kitchen and table and he'll put the boys to bed.


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## SomeLady

Unhappy2011 said:


> Wow finally one admits it.
> 
> That's not a knock. I am sure you have a good life and congrats to you.
> 
> I have just been listening to some SAHMs I know for years talk about how "hard" their lives are and how if they were to be paid it would be worth like $100,000 and blah blah blah.
> 
> I just want to say to them to cut the crap.
> 
> Being a SAHM has to be a pretty sweet gig. No shame in that, but the ones who makes themselves out to be martyrs, cut the crap.
> 
> Some of us actually work for a living and don't want to hear that BS.


It's not always easy. For one thing, there's no clear line about when you're on or off. It's 'round the clock. You can't call off sick... The kids need watching, no matter what. (Although as soon as my husband comes home, I'm crawling between the sheets and sleeping!) It can be isolating. I live in a rural area. I don't go anywhere or see anybody. 

I agree, though, that making oneself out to be a martyr is ridiculous.


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## SomeLady

You sound like a real peach of a husband!

Yeah, my husband reacts positively to me when I've put a little effort into my face and hair. I'm one of those women who doesn't look great au naturel, but scrubs up very well.

Anyway, yeah, small children really are exhausting. They don't let you get into a groove. You can't zone out and do your own thing, unless they're sleeping. You'll be cleaning something and then realize that it's much too quiet... and discover the 2yo pouring maple syrup on the carpet or something. That sort of constant vigilance, and inability to really focus on any one thing, is tiring in its own way.


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## Kricket

I think the amount of free time matters on the ages of the children. I work part time from home. My work hours can range from 10 to 35 hours a week. Since most of that work requires concentration, it tends to take me longer than it should with two small children. If my children were in school, then I could ideally finish my work during the school day, clean the house, and cook dinner every day without missing a beat. I still do all of those things, but I would love to put more effort into it all. 

Right now, one of the hardest things for me to deal with is the fact my children are little tornadoes. I have found that it is much better on my sanity to wait until the end of the day to straighten up the house because cleaning up after them all day is like shoveling the driveway during a blizzard. 

I did give up a good career to be home with my children and don't regret it one bit. They are both clearly ahead in everything compared to other children their age. To give them that head start is worth it all. 

I have found some free time (obviously I am here on TAM) and have committed to take a couple of online classes starting in May. I suggest that if you have free time, spend it furthering your own education. I feel like I am losing some of my mental sharpness if I look at mind-numbing websites or play solitaire all day.


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## Ten_year_hubby

SomeLady said:


> time spent with the kids is where I need to work harder
> I should probably spend more ... really interacting with them


This would be a primary motivation for me to stay home myself, you have started to answer your own question.

I consider bringing children into adulthood the most important task parents have on their plate. Unless we had excellent role models from our own childhood (not me) or we have great examples to follow in our friends and family (not me again) or we are just naturally gifted in effective techniques of parenting (third strike, I'm out), I see a need to research, read, collect and assimilate materials which coordinate an overall plan to get the desired result. This takes some time.

Also, regarding cooking and diet, I would be inclined to work at replacing prepared or highly processed foods with more basic alternatives. Another time consuming activity made very difficult by working outside the home


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## SomeLady

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This would be a primary motivation for me to stay home myself, you have started to answer your own question.
> 
> I consider bringing children into adulthood the most important task parents have on their plate. Unless we had excellent role models from our own childhood (not me) or we have great examples to follow in our friends and family (not me again) or we are just naturally gifted in effective techniques of parenting (third strike, I'm out), I see a need to research, read, collect and assimilate materials which coordinate an overall plan to get the desired result. This takes some time.
> 
> Also, regarding cooking and diet, I would be inclined to work at replacing prepared or highly processed foods with more basic alternatives. Another time consuming activity made very difficult by working outside the home


Yeah, that's what I do IRT food. I don't go so far as to bake all our bread, but I do make a lot from scratch. Today I made pizza from scratch and also baked a cake.


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## SomeLady

A couple of people have suggested that I get a part-time job or do an online course. I was wondering why?

I may have given the impression that I'm bored or unfulfilled or something in my OP. I'm sorry if I did. I was just wondering if I had it too easy or if I should push myself to work as hard as I did when I was, say, a waitress years ago. Mostly, though, I was wondering what other people - especially men - felt a SAHW ought to do with her time.


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## tobio

I've been a stay at home mum for four years now, not primarily by choice, I was working but got made redundant, started looking for another job then got pregnant and logistically it made more sense for me to be at home. We have four kids aged 8, 5, 2 and 1.

I find I am VERY busy all day! Gawd knows my OH says he couldn't do it with our lot.

OH gets up for work and I do at the same time. He leaves before breakfast. Getting four kids ready to go out to school is basically carnage no matter how much you organise things!

The day then consists of washing up, clean kitchen from breakfast, loads of laundry in the washing machine, loads of wet laundry in the tumble dryer (repeat this around four times for each plus a couple of extra loads as the toddler is potty training), put away dry laundry, vacuuming, clean the bathrooms, scrub table and highchairs of weetabix aftermath, clean kitchen, clean living room, baking (make all cakes and biscuits from scratch), snacks, lunch, wash up from lunch, more vacuuming, more dry clothes to put away, tidy bedrooms, run errands to shop/bank/town for OH/us/dinner/bills/etc, prep dinner (from scratch), school run, cook dinner, eat dinner, wash up and tidy kitchen and living room from dinner, homework and reading for older two, packed lunches for next day, bathtime, bedtime, more laundry, more laundry, more laundry, plus the stuff you can't get done with kids about... 

Much of this is s-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d out by carrying either a crying baby or a cuddly toddler on my hip at any given time: I have perfected the art of washing both my hands without putting the baby down amongst many other things!

As a treat I get to sit down when driving and occasionally when eating a sandwich at lunch 

I never, ever get chance to spend ages on the internet. I treat being at home like a job. The trouble is I'm actually a stay at home mum, I HATE being called a housewife because I don't stay at home to do housework, I stay at home to look after the kids. Yet I feel terribly guilty that I don't spend enough time with them. I mean, I do spend time with them and doing fun stuff but MY GOD it is hard to find the time with four of them. It is terribly easy to think I have when I've sort of been *alongside* them so I do prioritise it now, albeit in lots of inventive ways at times!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

SomeLady said:


> Yeah, that's what I do IRT food. I don't go so far as to bake all our bread, but I do make a lot from scratch. Today I made pizza from scratch and also baked a cake.


Ooooh, I love making homemade bread. 95% of our food is from scratch, we raise chickens for fresh eggs.

Here's my braided Lemon bread(King Aruthor recipe with homemade lemon curd(allrecipes). It is so far the best dessert bread I made yet!










I make homemade 100% whole wheat and a white bread. My pizza, tacos, and pies are all my own recipes. We eat nicely here.


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## sisters359

Now I'm hungry! 

Seriously, though (and I haven't read all the posts), I'd be bored to tears as a stay at home mom if I devoted myself to housework and related stuff. I stayed home some with each child before they started school, but even then worked part-time a lot, worked on a graduate degree, etc. I guess if I had had extra time, I would have worked out a lot, b/c I enjoy it. But I was more in need of intellectual stimulation than physical, at that time, anyway, so my stay-at-home time was never full time and I never had what felt like "free time."


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## SimplyAmorous

I love being a SAHM !  ...it is what my husband wanted for our family (I have a few small jobs on the side but they are insignificant).... we have 6 kids (oldest living at college), a large old farmhouse & acres of grass to cut in the summer & weed wack. 

For me, I feel it is my role to do everything I can possibly DO to make my husbands life easier ... I am thankful I am a woman & not the man who gets stuck with eveything that breaks down.... (3 vehicles, house repairs/ projects, snow plowing, chain sawing etc etc -I am not a handyman).... plus he has his 40 hours at work -blue collar job working in the freezing temps, summer heat, welding, works with some real idiots /boss from hell -and just getting out of our driveway in the winter is tricky. 

I Do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, calendars, scheduling appointments, paying every bill, making every phone call, researching anything & everything (vacations, help with projects, I've posted on Chevy forums to get advice for my husband), I get up every am to cook for him & pack his lunch, I do all the dishes. 

I try to cut the grass while he is at work -but sometimes I wreck the rider -breaking belts on rocks..He never seems to get mad at me -but often asks that I wait for him to get home. Then we both do it together -we have 2 riders. 

My laptop sits in our kitchen while I do my mundane chores throughout the day-I feel I have oodles of free time to be online -my posts shows that. Often I go to do one chore, get sidetracked with another -cleaning a room before I walk out or it , I live & breathe by 2 extra loud timers to stay organized. 










Things must be in their place or I am irritated. And I am not a procrastinator, I like to get it ALL done so I can have that "free time", I enjoy kicking back. 

My kids play with each other many times, I am not the type of mom to sit down with them & watch Sesame Street, but they have a happy atomosphere to enjoy & get all of thier needs met -plus they have each other to play with & annoy, I never say no to a friend coming over or them going somewhere .... I also allow tons of kids to filter through our house, they appreciate this about me...On weekends, It is common place to have another 4 teen boys spending the night here. I get up & cook about 40 pancakes for them all in the am. I enjoy the chaos somehow.

I keep them all in line. They do good in school, for the most part my kids are easy. I seem to have to remind them to brush their teeth too often but besides that, I can't complain too much. 

We grocery shop when we run to town -for their after school activities or we have to kill time when daughter is in gymnastics...I don't make special trips ... This helps save gas as well.

But my husband helps with the homework, cause I hate donig that & he has more patience.


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## effess

Up till last fall my wife was a SAHM. The women I work with thought I was some superstar for "letting" her stay home. It was decision we mutually came to once she was pregnant with our first child. 
My wife is project-oriented and is VERY pragmatic. So she always and I mean always keeps busy. Cooking, laundry, fixing stuff around the house, doing things with the kids, taking them places, cleaning, organizing closets to better utilize our limited space, etc. So I never begrudged her for wanting to stay home.


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## SomeLady

sisters359 said:


> Now I'm hungry!
> 
> Seriously, though (and I haven't read all the posts), I'd be bored to tears as a stay at home mom if I devoted myself to housework and related stuff. I stayed home some with each child before they started school, but even then worked part-time a lot, worked on a graduate degree, etc. I guess if I had had extra time, I would have worked out a lot, b/c I enjoy it. But I was more in need of intellectual stimulation than physical, at that time, anyway, so my stay-at-home time was never full time and I never had what felt like "free time."


I do crave intellectual stimulation. I volunteer a few hours a week at a museum and I read a lot. I'm in an online book club that reads classic literature. That helps.


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## CrazyGuy

I am not slamming SAHM's. I have seen some that are amazing... But...

My wife was always "overwhelmed" but she did it to herself. She stayed up late until 2 am. She would wake up at 10 or 11. She would spend all day running around going to the pool, out with other moms, restaurants ect. She never had time to clean or household stuff.

She would get home an hour or so before I got home. I would leave for work at 6am and get home about 7pm. So when I would get home it was a mess, it is always a mess. She would expect me to help clean up and I would be like what the heck do you do all day? Sometimes she would mow the yard although I never told her to do that. I think she just liked being outside or away from the home.

The days I would have off where "cleaning days" for the whole week. So I was expected to work and do nothing but clean when I was home. That was our family time, cleaning together.

To me she always had it all backwards. Stay at home Mom should be just that. STAY AT HOME. Do the work that needs done at home first. Then when I got home if she needed a break I could watch our son or we could go out as a family. Looking back I should have got rid of all the cars except the one I drove to work.

I surely would have loved to change positions and be the stay at home parent. I would have loved to see my son grow up.

I have no problem with the moms out there that do the household stuff and manage to have free time. That's great. But I also get irritated when I hear how rough stay at home moms have it. 

Depends what you call a stay at home mom though. For my wife she was nothing more then a baby sitter with a set of wheels going every place.


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## chillymorn

IMO

being a stay at home mom is very hard when they are little.and the husband should help with in home chores as much as possible.As the children get older they require less time and is less stressfull and the mom should transition into making sure the chores get done with the extra time they have while the kids are in school and make an effort to have a nice dinner for the family etc

if she ends up with some extra time when everything is squared away the she should enjoy it. moms are only human and deserve some down time also.

after the kids are in school full time then it would be nice for her to try to earn some extra income for the the extras in life like vacations etc. the feeling of helping financialy will make you fel good about helping espically with the way the economy is.

just like moms liking when the husband helps with chores the husband likes when the wife starts helping with earning money.


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## DawnD

chillymorn said:


> IMO
> 
> being a stay at home mom is very hard when they are little.and the husband should help with in home chores as much as possible.As the children get older they require less time and is less stressfull and the mom should transition into making sure the chores get done with the extra time they have while the kids are in school and make an effort to have a nice dinner for the family etc
> 
> if she ends up with some extra time when everything is squared away the she should enjoy it. moms are only human and deserve some down time also.
> 
> after the kids are in school full time then it would be nice for her to try to earn some extra income for the the extras in life like vacations etc. the feeling of helping financialy will make you fel good about helping espically with the way the economy is.
> 
> just like moms liking when the husband helps with chores the husband likes when the wife starts helping with earning money.


:iagree:completely!!


As soon as both my kids started school, so did I!! But I think I got to appreciate being a SAHM more since I didn't get to do it until my oldest was 3.5 years and the youngest was 1.5 years. 

I ask very little of my husband even now, just because he does work all day. I get paid to go to school ( my GI Bill) but it brings in a fraction of the money his paycheck does. So I carry most of the cleaning/cooking/dr appts/ kids homework load and he carries just about all of the financial load. Seems very fair to me. 

I will admit that its nice when he offers to take the oldest to one of his therapy appts ( autism). But I certainly don't expect it.


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## Gratitude

CrazyGuy said:


> Stay at home Mom should be just that. STAY AT HOME. Do the work that needs done at home first.


:iagree:


If there are two able bodied people in the marriage, then they should both provide what is needed for their household and family. If the man takes care of the finances, then the woman takes care of the house. I don't agree with wives who exploit their husbands as banks to support their daily lunch trips and then expect their husbands to help with all the housework.

Marriage is partnership. Balance is the key so nobody becomes resentful. In reality, some people are just lazier than others.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I vacuum.
It takes all day.
LOL. 
Not really, but I have an official list that I give to people if they ask.
Otherwise, I don't feel the need to justify my existence.
At home or anywhere.
I would be leery of giving an answer...say it would feed into someone else's perception of what they should be doing or their stay-home spouse should be doing...and if I give an answer for one day, then that could become someone else's 'gold standard' and that would be wrong. I think people who are at home should be able to make their own decisions about the proper and right use of their time.
If people fill up their time with should-do's, none of the would-do's or could-do's or why-not-do's that are so valuable to our society, would happen. 
I vacuum. Really!!!!


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## chillymorn

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I vacuum.
> It takes all day.
> LOL.
> Not really, but I have an official list that I give to people if they ask.
> Otherwise, I don't feel the need to justify my existence.
> At home or anywhere.
> I would be leery of giving an answer...say it would feed into someone else's perception of what they should be doing or their stay-home spouse should be doing...and if I give an answer for one day, then that could become someone else's 'gold standard' and that would be wrong. I think people who are at home should be able to make their own decisions about the proper and right use of their time.
> If people fill up their time with should-do's, none of the would-do's or could-do's or why-not-do's that are so valuable to our society, would happen.
> I vacuum. Really!!!!


then the people at work should be able to quit and find a less stressfull job that might pay less.

I say bull the SAHM should be held somewhat accountable for what they do and don't get accomplished.


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## DawnD

chillymorn said:


> then the people at work should be able to quit and find a less stressfull job that might pay less.
> 
> I say bull the SAHM should be held somewhat accountable for what they do and don't get accomplished.


I agree to that to a point. If the H is still meeting his SAHW/SAHM's needs for interaction and treating her well, yes she should absolutely be putting in the effort. If he on the other hand comes home, grabs a beer and disappears until dinner and then disappears until bedtime, then I could see why one wouldn't necessarily care. A LOT of people forget that SAHM's or SAHD's need interaction with people other than their children.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

chillymorn said:


> then the people at work should be able to quit and find a less stressfull job that might pay less.
> 
> I say bull the SAHM should be held somewhat accountable for what they do and don't get accomplished.


OK, I confess.
I have a part-time job I do from home.
It's in a professional capacity.
Also, I do things that offset the lost income from the other 1/2 time I want to have free. I volunteer, and this comes with perks I'd have to earn money to pay for.
I also cook from scratch, and garden, and hang my laundry out.
I am also a full-time student and a writer.
LOL.
But I am a SINGLE SAHM so it's MY BUSINESS WHAT I DO.
If I guy marries me, then he has no right to tell me what to do.
I can pay my own bills and earn my own keep.
So nope, sorry, not accountable to nobody. Cept me and my kids.
And when I was MARRIED, even though I stayed home, I still paid my own way, in addition to scrubbing the potty my H cr*apped in, washing his clothes, managing his errands and paperwork when asked, etc.
We are not married any more because any time I wasn't working and did something for myself, like WENT TO THE GYM, I was accused of having a BOYFRIEND. Ick, I don't need that kind of assessment on how I would choose to spend my free time.
I hate people who try to control other people. If you choose to have a SAHM in your family, it's better to be cool with that idea, not to have some sort of idea that the person is a hired hand.


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## chillymorn

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> OK, I confess.
> I have a part-time job I do from home.
> It's in a professional capacity.
> Also, I do things that offset the lost income from the other 1/2 time I want to have free. I volunteer, and this comes with perks I'd have to earn money to pay for.
> I also cook from scratch, and garden, and hang my laundry out.
> I am also a full-time student and a writer.
> LOL.
> But I am a SINGLE SAHM so it's MY BUSINESS WHAT I DO.
> If I guy marries me, then he has no right to tell me what to do.
> I can pay my own bills and earn my own keep.
> So nope, sorry, not accountable to nobody. Cept me and my kids.
> And when I was MARRIED, even though I stayed home, I still paid my own way, in addition to scrubbing the potty my H cr*apped in, washing his clothes, managing his errands and paperwork when asked, etc.


your accountable to your self and are making a huge effort which I could not see any man worth his weight in salt complaining about because you have high standards for your self.

my comments were for someone who isn't motavated to pull their own weight.


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## CrazyGuy

It is funny how people can be on the same page but interpret things differently. I guess it is from the different experiences and angles we view things from.


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## that_girl

I'm only a SAHM in the summer time (I'm a teacher) and my days consist of laundry (daily), chores, grocery shopping, gardening, daily projects (cleaning out closet, scrubbing floors,etc), cooking dinner, and activities for the kids.

I like to take a break when the little one naps, because, well, I need a break too! But I try to work just as long as Hubs works...just how i do it.

During my work time, I come home, rest for an hour, then do chores, laundry and make dinner.  It works well. I finish working when hubs gets home. We eat together and then hang out for a couple hours before bed


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## chillymorn

that_girl said:


> I'm only a SAHM in the summer time (I'm a teacher) and my days consist of laundry (daily), chores, grocery shopping, gardening, daily projects (cleaning out closet, scrubbing floors,etc), cooking dinner, and activities for the kids.
> 
> I like to take a break when the little one naps, because, well, I need a break too! But I try to work just as long as Hubs works...just how i do it.


Nice. but you left out the most important chore..........keeping the lust for your husband!

which from your posts I know you do very well.


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## that_girl

chillymorn said:


> Nice. but you left out the most important chore..........keeping the lust for your husband!
> 
> which from your posts I know you do very well.


Well, I don't consider that work or a chore! He's just soooo damn sexy. 
He's gained about 15 pounds since moving home (cause I cook awesome food) and his belly is SOOOO damn SEXY! OMG! He hates it, but dayum...I don't want him to lose it. LOL! 

Aww...I've got the flu and he's at work. He wouldn't come near me last night as I coughed up my lungs. LOL so selfish of him! hahahaha....nah...i just hate being sick...means we can't have sexy time.


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## that_girl

One could think I'm on the internet doing nothing all day.

Truth is, sometimes y'all are in the kitchen with me as I clean and cook. Or you're on my washer as I fold clothes.

I'm a social person. I would die if I was stuck in this house all day with 2 kids and a dog. 

omg.


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## Gratitude

that_girl said:


> One could think I'm on the internet doing nothing all day.
> 
> Truth is, sometimes y'all are in the kitchen with me as I clean and cook. Or you're on my washer as I fold clothes.
> 
> I'm a social person. I would die if I was stuck in this house all day with 2 kids and a dog.
> 
> omg.


I'm on here alot now too. I don't know why! My husband just started awhile ago working away on site for 3 weeks at a time. I still go out and socialise and see friends or talk on the phone but I log on here everyday. It's kind of like a social network to offer advice and receive some from an impartial point of view. You get to recognise different user names even though you have no idea who anyone really is but you become fond of some people lol. I'm waiting for the "I'm addicted to TAM" threads!!


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## SimplyAmorous

sisters359 said:


> But I was more in need of intellectual stimulation


 I never really felt this way in near 22 yrs of staying home , though I have had side jobs throughout all of these years.. also, I would talk to friends on the phone during the day, listen to talk radio, read books, loved to go outside lay in the hammock under a tree, peace & quiet -while the kids played nearby , or on a blanket , a # of books by my side to explore. I belonged to a local "Mops group" that I went to twice a month for 13 yrs , would do lunch with a friend every so often.......& when I got the net, I discovered forums !! Tons of stimulation there..... started out on Parenting forums, then c-section , Christian, health boards, etc etc 





chillymorn said:


> just like moms liking when the husband helps with chores the husband likes when the wife starts helping with earning money.


 Me & my husband feel differently- I know this is very odd, but he could care less about any extra $$ -he worries about me driving on the country wintery roads -plus I am very very frugal....we are not hurting..... and I don't want him helping me with any of my stuff -unless I am sick -because frankly, I have WAY more energy than him & the last thing I want is for him to get tired & not have enough Testosterone for sex that night! That would tick me off. 

About a month ago, we had a little scuffle over him thinking I never sleep. He jokes I need a job to wear me out... but he loves me being home.


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## chillymorn

SimplyAmorous said:


> I never really felt this way in near 22 yrs of staying home , though I have had side jobs throughout all of these years.. also, I would talk to friends on the phone during the day, listen to talk radio, read books, loved to go outside lay in the hammock under a tree, peace & quiet -while the kids played nearby , or on a blanket , a # of books by my side to explore. I belonged to a local "Mops group" that I went to twice a month for 13 yrs , would do lunch with a friend every so often.......& when I got the net, I discovered forums !! Tons of stimulation there..... started out on Parenting forums, then c-section , Christian, health boards, etc etc
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Me & my husband feel differently- I know this is very odd, but he could care less about any extra $$ -he worries about me driving on the country wintery roads -plus I am very very frugal....we are not hurting..... and I don't want him helping me with any of my stuff -unless I am sick -because frankly, I have WAY more energy than him & the last thing I want is for him to get tired & not have enough Testosterone for sex that night! That would tick me off.
> 
> About a month ago, we had a little scuffle over him thinking I never sleep. He jokes I need a job to wear me out... but he loves me being home.


maybe there alittle truth to his joke?

but if I made piles of money i wouldn't care if she worked or not. but I just an average joe with an above average ..........


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## SimplyAmorous

Gratitude said:


> I'm on here alot now too. I don't know why! My husband just started awhile ago working away on site for 3 weeks at a time. I still go out and socialise and see friends or talk on the phone but I log on here everyday. It's kind of like a social network to offer advice and receive some from an impartial point of view. You get to recognise different user names even though you have no idea who anyone really is but you become fond of some people lol. I'm waiting for the "I'm addicted to TAM" threads!!


I have been addicted for over 2 yrs now -it really is quite rediculous, even if I go on a vacation, I feel like I am having TAM withdrawl.... late at night, I have to go check & see what new questions are on here... .. I always did have a thing for the question/ answer type atmosphere-loved that in books also....

Getting feedback is exciting, I always loved it when I had a question on other forums and I so very much enjoy answering others. It doesn't interfere with my life, my husband is not complaining , so I keep on.


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## SimplyAmorous

chillymorn said:


> maybe there alittle truth to his joke?
> 
> but if I made piles of money i wouldn't care if she worked or not. but I just an average joe with an above average ..........


No, I think he worries I am not getting enough sleep but... the truth is , if I am not tired, I toss and turn & keep him up (and he does NEED his sleep as he is a lower Test guy!) .... so I do my thing until I am tired, even at age 45, I can stay up all night and be ok the next day. 6 hrs is enough for me easily. After he goes to bed, sometimes I will get up & make pies or something, do laundry. I have always been like the "Energizer Bunny".... I once had my thyroid checked thinking it might be overactive, but I am totally fine.... I believe I have HIGH Test.. ha ha - a symptom of alot of energy-- that is me ! 

If I had a steady job where I had to "punch in", we'd need another 4x4 , and if you seen our driveway from Hell, you'd see why he would be worried about me -even getting out of it . He wrecked the plow in it last year, the farmer next door had to pull him out. IT would be different if we lived in the city -but we are country boonie people. 

He worries about me very much, it is sweet though. The only thing about all of this is .... sometimes I feel like "less of a woman" or something -like I am just a boring old stay at home mom, like I have no skills , but in reality, I love my life -just as it is, I shouldn't worry about the "norms" of other women in society.


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## FirstYearDown

Not all stay at home wives have it easy.

I am very industrious at home since my main focus is school and I am not working. I clean, cook and study most of the day. I also go to doctor's appointments and run errands. I never watch daytime TV because it is pure nonsense and I could be using that time to review my schoolwork.

I will chat online for about an hour, but I still get everything done.

90% of the time, my husband comes home to dinner, smiles and kisses. He does not ask me to do these things. It is simply understood that since I do not work I need to pull my weight somehow. We are not having kids, so there is no excuse for a dirty place with no dinner at night.

I have a high sex drive and I understand that men need to eat well to be good lovers. Have to have energy!  I have been groomed to look after a man since I was nine years old and I admit that it has certainly influenced me a great deal. I feel like such a bad wife if I don't have dinner on the table. I know it sounds sexist but _I am just being honest about how *I* feel_.


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## heavensangel

I'm a SAHM turned SAHW - Our sons are now grown & gone. I had a full-time job until Feb 2007. Company downsized our department so they let 7 of us go. I'm lucky in that DH makes a decent enough living, I have the choice of whether or not I want to work. DH travels VERY frequently (gone 1 mth/home 2 wks) for work. So we take advantage of every moment possible when he's home. The first couple years after leaving work, we still had sons at home going to school; when they were done, we sold our home, moved, & built a new home. That kept me busy while DH was gone. Now, besides taking care of everything (housework, yard work, vehicle detailing & mntnc, staining decks & porches, painting, bookkeeper, secretary, etc., etc.), I volunteer at the local No-kill shelter thrift store 2 days a week and just recently started doing Zumba (and love it!!!!). I find things I enjoy and do them. 

My motto: if my DH is willing to do whatever it takes (sacrificing by being away from home) to support our lifestyle, the least I can do is make sure he has VERY little to do when he does get home. Do I feel I contribute? ABSOFREAKINLUTELY!!!!!! And he has no problem making sure I know just how much he appreciates what I do for US!


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## YinPrincess

*Skipping through the replies*

I quit my job on December 23rd, due to the increasing difficulties I was having as a result of a severe car accident I was in, in September. That, combined with my progressing pregnancy, (which also limited my treatment options), made it very difficult to keep working.  I loved my job and miss it like crazy.

Around the house I do what I can - being 8 months pregnant, heavy and out of breath, makes even simple household chores a nightmare. We have three large dogs, who spend a good amount of time with us indoors for the time being, and it's a lot of upkeep to keep the floors swept and mopped, as well as picking up after them when they have accidents. I do most of this, but my husband helps me out a lot. I feel overwhelmed and depressed most days, that I am in so much pain, that I'm swollen from my face to my feet, and I have zero energy to keep up with what needs to be done. I think sometimes he forgets the massive impact being pregnant has on a woman, (not that he will ever get to experience it), in addition to my health problems, and pain related to the car accident. He works full time and pays all of the bills, and yes, still does dishes and helps with the cleaning. We are still trying to get unpacked in our new house, and prepare for the arrival of our daughter. It's a lot for both of us to manage.

I sincerely hope that things will change once the baby arrives - that I will no longer be lethargic and encumbered and able to do all of the housework so that when he comes home, all he has to do is relax and enjoy quality time with me and his baby.

I wish I could do more right now, though. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

:rofl:

I wish it was an option for me to "help make money".

I work. I would still work even if I could stay home. I don't like depending on someone else for money, or asking for money. I guess I was single for too long.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I gave it some thought...after other posting and here is a less defensive take on the matter.

Sooooo, I had this professional job at an Ivy Leage for 3 years.
Some days I went to work, some days I worked from home.
Sometimes I worked away from work and away from home.
Sometimes I decided I needed to travel to a conference or a class or to visit colleagues who did what I did at other universities.
Sometimes my kid (and a friend) came to work with me.
Sometimes I went schmoozing to in-house stuff.
AT NO TIME DID MY BOSS EVER MONITOR ME AND ASK ME WHAT I DID ALL DAY?
When I left after three years the head lady who was very scary, old, and well-respected...came to my going away party and gave me a present. People were :-o OMG so-and-so came to your going away party. My boss was nervous in her presence. Then the dean came in and gave me kudos. I said "I am going to tell the truth about this place. I have always hated.....[pause]...the carpet in this room. It looks like birds were shot and then bled all over it." (It was a sort of print with leaves and stuff and had some birds and berries, but the berries were red and blotchy." My boss looked apalled, the dean didn't get it, the old scary head lady laughed. 
I was told at my going away that I really changed the way that place did research. My boss beamed. I sure made him nervous my last year there, doing the things I did when he was busy with his own stuff and couldn't really keep track of me while I did other stuff. (The dean was my real boss, but he had appointed this other guy to be administratively my boss...because I didn't want the admin tasks as I'm a research and people person...)
If you have a SAH wife and mom...you can give her a LIST and treat her like a TECHNICIAN....or
YOU CAN TREAT HER LIKE A PROFESSIONAL and give her credit for knowing what the h*ll she's doing. You picked her, giving her a list is like telling her she's not her, she's just mini-you, like a clone to do what you want done because you can't be home to do it. If my boss had treated me that way, I'd have said F*ck this, job's no fun, I'm outta here. In fact, at my interview (a day long affair with lots of different people), I was at lunch with him and I did just that...got up to excuse myself to use the ladies' and told him "Too stressful, I'm leaving...." (He got a look of panic...this told me what I wanted to know...) I laughed and said, I'm just kidding. I want to make sure I'd be working for someone with a sense of humor. We got along great. 3 years, I hardly saw him.
I got 3 raises during that time. I met my replacement & he had a kid with a disability and hardly had to be in the office at all, because of the way I'd set things up for my position. 
The thing is, it wasn't just me, those meetings and conferences and schmoozing...a whole bunch of different universities set things up the same way. Now if I hadn't been treated like PROFESSIONAL and had been overly monitored and given a 'list' none of that would have happened, and the research it supported wouldn't have either.

professional or technician - how do you treat the person who shares your home and life?

Which would you rather have?

How do you like to be treated during your 'working hours'? Do you like to have creative ability to improve the status quo...or do you like being told what to do so you can make 5% profit for your company...or whatever other measly goal is set that someone thinks you can (under)achieve?


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## grenville

SomeLady said:


> I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how little I do all day as a SAHM. I do some housework, and I make sure the kids don't burn the house down. Mostly, though, I goof around on the Internet.
> 
> This doesn't seem right to me. I feel like I should be doing more. Shouldn't I be working as if I were at a job? What job lets you goof off on the computer?
> 
> And, assuming a SAHM does all the housework possible during the day so that very little needs to be done on weekends and evenings, should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so. But, I also wonder if the reason I spend a couple of hours on the computer in the morning after everybody has left for the day isn't because I was doing all the stuff you do to get kids ready for school. Then, too, I also cook dinner and clean up afterwards. (H does the bedtime routine. I insist on this. I tell him it's because he should have that special daddy time with the kids. But, it's also because by that time, I'm pretty much ready to not deal with the kids any more for the day!)
> 
> I'm trying to be a better wife. Better housekeeping is part of that. So, I've been thinking about these things and I wondered what other people thought.


I think you're supposed to answer the door to a string of buff electricians, plumbers, milkmen etc. and, you know, do it. Well, that's what's in the, er, films.


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## that_girl

My husband isn't working to provide for me and the girls (I make as much as him but he works 2times as long as I do) only to come home to a messy house, dirty clothes and a cold kitchen.

I have a couple friends who stay home and do NOTHING. 

They constantly fight with their irritated husbands though, and don't understand why.


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## Conrad

If they'd like to know why, I can tell them.

I actually agree that kids benefit from a stay-at-home-parent.

Yet, I will tell you this.

If my wife and I do - or do not - reconcile, I've supported my last partner with my wages.

No way. No how.


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## CrazyGuy

that_girl said:


> I have a couple friends who stay home and do NOTHING.
> 
> They constantly fight with their irritated husbands though, and don't understand why.


Yeah that's my marriage. Add to that she is out socializing and spending money while I am at work. That makes me work more to pay the bills. Then she complains that I do not care about the family because I am gone at work all the time. :scratchhead:

Do not get me wrong, I think she is an great mom. But not so great at being responsible or being a wife.

I know other SAHM's that have many kids and they amaze me. I do not know how they do it.


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## Runs like Dog

Don't get me started on this.


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## Conrad

Runs like Dog said:


> Don't get me started on this.


Dog,

Indulge me.


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## SomeLady

chillymorn said:


> then the people at work should be able to quit and find a less stressfull job that might pay less.
> 
> I say bull the SAHM should be held somewhat accountable for what they do and don't get accomplished.


Accountable to whom? In what way? Do you mean annual reviews or something? :lol:


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## NeverRight

To Somelady: there have been many great views shared in response to your thread. My wife is a SAHM (nice acronym BTW) and this year is the first year where our three boys are all in school. There are definitely two aspects of the SAHM role: the mom who is at home taking care of the kids and everything else because there are children home and then the mom who is just that -- the mother who is at home but without the kids. I am going to tread lightly here but follow me for a moment. It sounds like you are doing a great job -- if you aren't working and your husband is, the team concept dictates that taking care of the home is, for the most part, your contribution to the team effort. Gonefishin stated (very well) that, if your house is clean the the kids are good to go, then you are doing what you need to do. If this is the case, goof off on the computer all you want. You have done your part and, if your husband isn't saying that you aren't holding up your end and you sense that his feelings are genuine, than you are in the house (pardon the pun). Others have stated above that you should get a hobby and I can't agree more. There is nothing more important to a human being than being to do something that has nothing to do with anyone else and is the source of his/her inner strength necessary to repeat the previous days actions again and again. Everyone needs this, those who deny it or try to live without it are more unhappy that most.


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## chillymorn

SomeLady said:


> Accountable to whom? In what way? Do you mean annual reviews or something? :lol:


accountable to the family just like everybody in a family should have to pull their weight.

kids included!

many of my friends with kids do not give their kids chores.I think thats crazy both my children have to help with chores.

and their pay is food shelter and being part of a family!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

chillymorn said:


> accountable to the family just like everybody in a family should have to pull their weight.
> 
> kids included!
> 
> many of my friends with kids do not give their kids chores.I think thats crazy both my children have to help with chores.
> 
> and their pay is food shelter and being part of a family!


I agree. Each one of my girls are expected to do chores, especially on the weekends when they have free time and no homework. We do not give allowance either.

For their chore efforts and good grades, my hubby rewards them with a day at the waterpark, movie, ice skating, bowling, ect.... 

It's nice having help with the chores since I'm so limited in what I can accomplish in a day. It teaches the kids responsibility as well. I also teach my daughters how to cook from scratch. My 10 year old made her very own pumpkin pie from scratch 2 weeks ago. Knowing how to cook well is a good skill.


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## FirstYearDown

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I agree. Each one of my girls are expected to do chores, especially on the weekends when they have free time and no homework. We do not give allowance either.
> 
> For their chore efforts and good grades, my hubby rewards them with a day at the waterpark, movie, ice skating, bowling, ect....
> 
> It's nice having help with the chores since I'm so limited in what I can accomplish in a day. It teaches the kids responsibility as well. I also teach my daughters how to cook from scratch. My 10 year old made her very own pumpkin pie from scratch 2 weeks ago. Knowing how to cook well is a good skill.


:iagree::iagree:

I never received any allowance. 

However, my mother loved to take me on shopping jaunts because I did well in school and did my chores.


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## tennisstar

I am a full-time working mother. I have been my whole adult life. I was married before and my husband made good money, but he didn't want me staying home. Then, I was single for 10 years, and I had to work. Now, I'm married again, and I earn 2/3 of our income. My husband and I each work about 40-45 hours week, about 55 hours each with commutes, but he just doesn't bring in as much as me. My son is grown and has moved out, but I have a teenage step-son at home.

For me, it's all about doing household chores in the few minutes between getting home from work and going out to play tennis in the evenings. I keep a very clean home. I can mop, put dishes in the dishwasher, throw clothes in the washer and dryer, etc in 15 minutes or so. I cannot stand a dirty house. My husband usually does not help out with household chores inside the house, but he does the outside chores, like mowing, edging, etc. I do some outside work, too. My stepson also mows the yard. My husband and I both take care of the pets. 

I don't cook much. Really, I have always hated cooking and cannot ever seem to find enough time to get to the grocery store regularly(especially when it's so crowded on the weekends). Plus, I have about an hour to clean my home, get changed and dressed and drive to play tennis several evenings a week. I love playing, though, and with my stressful job, I need some stress relief. It's a great hobby for me. I should cook more, but I just run out of time to do it all. I rely on sandwiches, frozen dinners and take-off often. I know it's not as healthy, but one can only do so much and stay sane. 

Through tennis, I know a lot of SAHMs. I understand that taking care of young kids is a lot of work. But the ones I know have grown children and spend a lot of time shopping, going to lunch, playing tennis, etc. Some of them tell me how they are soo busy and how it's so hard to be a SAHM. They assume I have a housekeeper, etc because I work. Sometimes, it frustrates me because I would like them to have to work all day and still keep their homes clean and do all the chores. Then, tell me about being busy.

Like I said, taking care of small children is lots of work and I'm sure it's very tiring. And I know some SAHMs that do a lot around their homes and make their husbands as comfortable as possible. I also know some who do little of anything. I think, sometimes, before complaining about how busy they are, some SAHMs need to think of working mothers who have to work all day, often at stressful jobs, and then, do everything around the house.


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## SomeLady

NeverRight said:


> To Somelady: there have been many great views shared in response to your thread. My wife is a SAHM (nice acronym BTW) and this year is the first year where our three boys are all in school. There are definitely two aspects of the SAHM role: the mom who is at home taking care of the kids and everything else because there are children home and then the mom who is just that -- the mother who is at home but without the kids. I am going to tread lightly here but follow me for a moment. It sounds like you are doing a great job -- if you aren't working and your husband is, the team concept dictates that taking care of the home is, for the most part, your contribution to the team effort. Gonefishin stated (very well) that, if your house is clean the the kids are good to go, then you are doing what you need to do. If this is the case, goof off on the computer all you want. You have done your part and, if your husband isn't saying that you aren't holding up your end and you sense that his feelings are genuine, than you are in the house (pardon the pun). Others have stated above that you should get a hobby and I can't agree more. There is nothing more important to a human being than being to do something that has nothing to do with anyone else and is the source of his/her inner strength necessary to repeat the previous days actions again and again. Everyone needs this, those who deny it or try to live without it are more unhappy that most.


Yes, a SAHM definitely needs some sort of hobby or interest or SOMETHING. I took up knitting and joined a knitting group when we lived in an urban area. Now that I'm in a rural area, I still knit but I participate in an online book club. There's also volunteering at a local museum. These things are really important for one's sanity!


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## that_girl

When my friend got married, her husband was having trouble at work and suggested she get a job (no children).

She said, to me, "I didn't get married so I would have to work!"


Well, her husband didn't marry her to support her stupid ass.

I told her that her entitled attitude and her idea that wives don't work is rather offputting. i asked her how she gives to the marriage and she looked at me like I was crazy. No cooking, no cleaning, no working, nothing.

No wonder her husband cheated on her and basically left without leaving. They are still married, but she has stepped up and got a job and does more around the house.

I just couldn't get over her childish attitude about marriage! LOL! What a shet she was.


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## tennisstar

Thatgirl, that attitude drives me crazy too. I was taught that we all have to support ourselves, no one is entitled to anything. I hear women complaining their husbands work too much and don't spend time with them. It's the same women who don't work and don't do too much around the house.


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## SomeLady

So, I just had to reassure myself that I'm OK, and not selfish... 

I spent the weekend shampooing carpets and running errands, and spent today cooking and baking. Made dinner with/for the kids. Husband had a nice nap on the sofa with football on the telly.

Having eaten with the kids, I'm not hungry. There are some nice leftovers from last night's dinner (steaks and mushroom gravy, mashed potatoes). I told him to boil some frozen vegetables and nuke the leftovers for his own dinner. Basically, I said, "You know... make dinner for yourself. I'm gonna sit here and listen to music on Youtube."

So, he's in the kitchen making his own dinner (lots of questions about how to do various things/where are things/is this microwave safe) and I thought, "You know, that was selfish of me. It would have been such a nice thing to just heat that up for him and serve it to him in front of the TV." I said something to my husband and he said, "What?? Are you crazy? You've been doing everything all weekend. You're tired. Sit down!"

And, so I am.

Still wish I'd taken that opportunity to do that one nice little thing for him, though. I need to think beyond what's "fair" and go wholeheartedly into what is LOVING.


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## tennisstar

SomeLady, if your husband is the only one working, shouldn't you be doing everything else? Isn't that the only fair division?

Going to work and putting up with all the bs all day is tiring. When one gets home from work, the last thing one wants to do is pick up a bunch of chores because the person staying home is tired. I'm not saying you are doing this, SomeLady, but some do. They gripe about being tired from being home all day. What about the person working? Do some SAHMs think working is a breeze or the husband somehow got a break because he's at work all day.


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## Therealbrighteyes

Yes, all SAHM's are Peg Bundy.


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## Lydia

I'm not a SAHM, never have been and never will be (I feel 'safer' having my independence and I would NEVER feel good about being dependent on a man, hey just my opinion) but my opinion is a SAHM should be doing all of the housework and even extras as well.. If I stayed home while my husband was at work all day, I wouldn't ask him to do any thing when he got home, either.

During his days off, he could spend time with the kids and while they're out, I would have my "me" time. I do not feel that bathing kids, putting them to bed, etc is quality time spent with children and IMO my husband would resent me for that (understandably! I wouldn't want to have to come home and do all the bathing and putting to bed if my H didn't work)....

Other than home repairs that you can't do yourself, I think you should be doing basically everything in regards to housekeeping, cooking, etc. If I can do most of that while working FT I don't see how a SAHM can't do it plus more while staying home all day.

Sorry, I get a bit heated on this topic. I think there are some wonderful SAHMs who do a great job at what they do - but there are also a lot who just use it as a cop out to be lazy.  They are the ones who give them a bad name.


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## that_girl

i worry about what will happen to this home while I recover after surgery.

i work full time, but as a teacher, I'm home by 3:30 and take care of the kids/home. In the summers, I'm a SAHM. It's the best of both worlds 

My recovery time is anywhere from 2 to 6 weeks--- not sure yet.

I told Hubs today that a chore list will HAVE to be written up for our older daughter and himself. I know he works SO HARD for our family, (5 twelve hour days a week) but if he doesn't pick up my slack, along with our 12 year old, this house will go to hell in a handbasket. 

I told him i didn't want to insult him with a list, but there are a lot of things that i do that go unnoticed unless they aren't done. Does that make sense?

He wasn't insulted, and actually said it was a good idea. Whew. I hope it works.

Ima freeze some homemade meals for the first week or so, and get the house SPOTLESS before surgery...that should help a bit...


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## FirstYearDown

I never believed that I would EVER be a stay at home wife.

I always dreamed of earning my degree and having a great career.

Sadly, there were some severe health problems which put me out of commission during those years when most people complete their education. I also snapped my right arm in two places right at the beginning of university-bad luck with health.

I have been struggling with dependence on my husband because it goes against everything I believed in when I lived alone as a single woman. That is why I am in college, so that I can earn enough to support myself if need be and help out financially. My husband will always earn more than me, but I still need to have my own money to feel good about myself.


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## SomeLady

tennisstar said:


> SomeLady, if your husband is the only one working, shouldn't you be doing everything else? Isn't that the only fair division?
> 
> Going to work and putting up with all the bs all day is tiring. When one gets home from work, the last thing one wants to do is pick up a bunch of chores because the person staying home is tired. I'm not saying you are doing this, SomeLady, but some do. They gripe about being tired from being home all day. What about the person working? Do some SAHMs think working is a breeze or the husband somehow got a break because he's at work all day.


It depends on what the husbands do for a living. A man with a white collar job is probably going to be less tired than a mother of two preschool children. Plus, there's a lot to be said for a change of scenery and venue. 

So, I don't think it's unfair for a husband to help with things that must be done in the evening, if the SAHM has done everything that can be done during the day.


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## SomeLady

Lydia said:


> I'm not a SAHM, never have been and never will be (I feel 'safer' having my independence and I would NEVER feel good about being dependent on a man, hey just my opinion) but my opinion is a SAHM should be doing all of the housework and even extras as well.. If I stayed home while my husband was at work all day, I wouldn't ask him to do any thing when he got home, either.
> 
> During his days off, he could spend time with the kids and while they're out, I would have my "me" time. I do not feel that bathing kids, putting them to bed, etc is quality time spent with children and IMO my husband would resent me for that (understandably! I wouldn't want to have to come home and do all the bathing and putting to bed if my H didn't work)....
> 
> Other than home repairs that you can't do yourself, I think you should be doing basically everything in regards to housekeeping, cooking, etc. If I can do most of that while working FT I don't see how a SAHM can't do it plus more while staying home all day.
> 
> Sorry, I get a bit heated on this topic. I think there are some wonderful SAHMs who do a great job at what they do - but there are also a lot who just use it as a cop out to be lazy.  They are the ones who give them a bad name.


I agree there are some SAHM who do very little at all. But, do you think it's lazy because, after the wife doing all the house cleaning during the day and preparing the meals and cleaning up after, the husband is expected to do a couple of things with the children's evening and morning routines? 

I think that's absurd. I also think that daily mundane parenting things like bedtime is "quality time." My husband told me that he only sees the kids for a few hours a day. He'd feel like a jerk if he sat and watched TV while I put them to bed. Not because it would be unfair to ME, but because it would be unfair to the kids. He likes to be the one to read them their bedtime stories.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I can not believe all the negativity there is about being a SAHM. 

My husband had asked me to quit my job to stay home and take care of the kids before we married. It took me a year after our first child was born before I got the courage to leave. I loved to work.

We had discussed that there was a very good chance I would not be returning to work, which is proven to be true since I broke my neck and I'm housebound due to severe pain.

My husband and I have a fabulous marriage. Not once have we held resentment that I'm not ever going to work. I do not expect him to do anything. He also does 100% of the grocery/supply shopping since I'm housebound. He's never complained.

He comes home, eats, sometimes does the dishes and spends the night with the kids and I. He cooks breakfast every weekend due to the kids request. They love HIS pancakes, plus he makes them into fun shapes and dyes them with food coloring.

Anyways, I'm a forever SAHM and I love it! I took up chicken farming and cooking/baking everything I can from scratch. I love trying new things. I'm never ever bored. Most my neighbors are SAHM's too, which we have very few neighbor's living out in the middle of nowhere.


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## Tall Average Guy

SomeLady said:


> I agree there are some SAHM who do very little at all. But, do you think it's lazy because, after the wife doing all the house cleaning during the day and preparing the meals and cleaning up after, the husband is expected to do a couple of things with the children's evening and morning routines?
> 
> I think that's absurd. I also think that daily mundane parenting things like bedtime is "quality time." My husband told me that he only sees the kids for a few hours a day. He'd feel like a jerk if he sat and watched TV while I put them to bed. Not because it would be unfair to ME, but because it would be unfair to the kids. He likes to be the one to read them their bedtime stories.


I think that is reasonable, but perhaps it is because that is what my wife and I do. The kids (we have three) don't stop making messes just becuase I come home from work or am home over the weekends. My wife still does more of the house work (laundry, cleaning, etc.) during those times, but I chip in as needed. I also take on the more physical tasks (fixing the door or moving stuff) as well as outside work.

Neither of us like the housework, but it has to be done. we both look at it as something we do so that we can get time together. That means that on some evenings, she has it all under control before I walk in the door (actually most of the time), but on other evenings, I have to do more for us to get that time.

As I think about it, my perception is that my wife works hard at her job. Maybe she could do more, or be more efficient, but I really have not thought about it. But because I feel she is working hard to keep up her end, I am happy with what we accomplish together.


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## tennisstar

SomeLady said:


> It depends on what the husbands do for a living. A man with a white collar job is probably going to be less tired than a mother of two preschool children. Plus, there's a lot to be said for a change of scenery and venue.
> 
> So, I don't think it's unfair for a husband to help with things that must be done in the evening, if the SAHM has done everything that can be done during the day.



White collar jobs are not physically demanding but they can be mentally draining. By the end of the week, I'm exhausted from putting up with the stresses of the week. So while I agree taking care of small children is hard work, don't discount the husband going to work. I think it's unfair to think your SAH work is more demanding. Both have their demands.

Having your husband participate in the nighttime routines for the children is probably a good way for him to get quality time with the children. Having him do the morning routine when he has to get ready for work....well, personally I think you should be doing that as you're the one staying home. Just my opinion. 

I am certainly not trying to say you are lazy or any SAHM is lazy. I know many work hard caring for young children. What irks me is when some SAHMs forget that a lot of working moms have to come home, clean the house, cook, run children to afterschool activities etc. They have 2 jobs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomeLady

I didn't say that my SAH work is more demanding than what my husband does. I just wonder why you assume the opposite. 

I don't have my husband do "the routine" in the morning. He does some things in the morning. I make sure the boys are dressed and I pack their lunches. He has HOURS of time in the morning. He doesn't leave the house until 9:30. He doesn't even start getting ready for work until after the children have left for school. So, him helping see to them having their coats and book bags is no hardship to him at all. Pouring bowls of cereal while he pours his own is no hardship at all. 

There's no reason why he can't do these things. There's no reason why he should not. Both parents should be involved in these mundane things to at least some extent.


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## zaliblue

uh, think that this post has opened those door so that all SAHM's are now considered to just have all of this free time. WHATEVER! I have a two year old and a one year old. I am in school, doing my work, cleaning, laundry (which I may add is a heck of a lot when you have 2 kids this young), cooking, changing diapers, cleaning bottles, doing errands, taking care of our pet....and I am sure I've left a few things out I feel that I do a lot, so I expect my hubby to help with the kids when he gets home. He usually will take care of the bath time routine for the kids and get them ready for bed...which i appreciate so much. I just can not stand to hear this 1950's scenario that since the man works, all household/kids/pretty much everything in the world has to be left for the wife. I work hard around here and I feel like I deserve a break as well!


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## tennisstar

I see how demanding white collar work can be, since that's all I have ever done. I am sure your work is hard, too. I was just getting the idea you thought your work was so hard and his was not. Maybe I read your tone wrong.

If he doesn't leave until 9:30, I agree. Most people I know who work have to be at work by 8 (including me) so that's why I said that. Maybe 8 am is just the work start time on my part of the country. I find helping out with kids in the morning hard if one has a long commute and has to be at work early.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomeLady

If he had to leave before 8am, I wouldn't expect anything of him other than trying not to get in the way of the morning stampede! LOL

My husband's job isn't physically demanding, but it's stressful. That's definitely tiring.


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## ShevetteSears

Hi am about to get married and my fiancé got a promotion that requires him to move to another city. Now my job that am currently on I can always get a transfer but my fiancé wants me to be a stay at home wife.

He has 2 kids and I have 1 and none of them will be living with us so really I have no kids to take care of just house chores I guess and cooking.

Is there anyone out there that is just a stay at home wife I want to know what it is like, am a bit nervous to leave my well paying job and let our finances fall totally on my husband-to-be because even though the kids aren't with us we still have to send money for them to be taken care of.


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## over20

Lately I have been on TAM way to much :rofl: but seriously I get all my work and errands done during the day so I am rested in the evening for my sweetie and the kids (sometimes not so sweet). I do cook a nice dinner every day,read a lot of nonfiction books, jog, garden (in the summer) and raise chickens (no laughing) for meat and eggs. It is a very important role I feel that is overlooked (the SAHM, not chicken raising :rofl


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## Nextlife

Not me. I'm up at 5:30 getting first kid ready for school make lunch so she can be on bus then get my other child up at 7:00 to do the same. Once they are out So am I. The time to myself is the gym. Once I'm done with that.. It's errands and laundry and cleaning and appointments.. then next thing you know it's 3:00 and I have to start my day with kids. Homework, religion, sports, meetings, school events finish making dinner. Games, studying help .. by the time I sit down… I'm done. until 5:30am again!

PS… I do it all btw. and in the beginning of our marriage.. I also had my Stepson over. I was never without kids since being married.


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## frusdil

I am a stay at home mum/wife. I'm a stepmum to my hubby's gorgeous 9 year old daughter who is with us 50% (sometimes more) of the time. Her mum has a new boyfriend so she is spending a bit more time with us at the moment.

I worked full time for over 20 years. I will never do that again. I LOVE being home and I'm so grateful that my husband allows me to do it. 

I do pretty much everything inside - laundry, cooking, cleaning, make lunches, school run, errands, grocery shopping, look after the animals...I also run a dog rescue so I'm pretty busy.

I don't expect my hubby to do anything other than little things - if the toilet roll runs out change it, if the soap dispenser is empty fill it up, rinse his plate and put it in the dishwasher type stuff. He also carries the basket of clean washing up the stairs for me because my balance is a bit off 

My life is very easy and I have nothing to complain about.

However, if I had babies/small children to care for all day, I would expect the division of labour to change...he'd have to do more...


----------



## Feeling-Lonely

I think SAHM or SAHW jobs are easier than work outside of house. My H said right away that laundry, dishes and cooking, bill paying isn't going to cut it. He has high demands from me, I on my days off work restore the house, he bought a fixer upper (2 story aprx 2000 sq/f), 2 years in and we are almost done, and that's holding full time and part time jobs. We don't have kids but instead I do demo/drywall/paint/tiling/floors/exterior tile removal/exterior paint and so on. He does carpentry/pluming/electrical 

We also have separate finances, I pay bills, he does insurances and taxes. Comes out to be the same. 

I often wonder how many other women would restore a house that isn't on their name, it sure proves I didn't marry him for the money or green card (I am European). 

I sure feel for the stay at home people because you do work and don't get paid (in money) if something happens it is like you shoot yourself in a foot. But then again it is easier living. 

I am postponing and postponing having kids, it is harder than any construction I have done and you are stuck, no way back or out. It is scary really, I can put a drill away but when you have a kid it is 24/7..


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## AliceA

When I was a SAHM I was pretty much doing everything around the house. I'd have some me time during the day, but mostly just 10 min here and 10 there, in between watching kids, dropping off, picking up, chores, volunteering at kindy, play dates etc, it was only the odd day here and there where I'd spend a solid hour or more doing something just for me, like reading. I certainly socialised more, but generally it had a dual purpose of finding playmates for the kids, and half the time I was thinking about how much I wasn't able to get done at home because I was out.

My Mum looked after my boy while he was sick and I had to work and I thought it was funny when she complained that she wasn't able to get anything done those days. I don't know why, but my boy just couldn't/can't amuse himself; someone always has to be playing with him. 

My house may not have been spotless, but my kids had me at home and I'm happy with that. Now I just work during school hours mostly, and that's good too. House is a mess though! lol


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## StayInIt

Just for today, I am going to sit down and have one beer. My daughter took off her clothes while playing outside, then took a dump, then seemingly rolled in the turd, then ran inside crying. One beer, then I will steam the carpet. LOL


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## CharlotteMcdougall

I'm just going to say that I look down on spouses who stay at home yet do nothing but goof off. Such behavior is lazy and selfish. 

If you do not work outside the home, you need to be working inside the home. Full stop. 

My husband and I have decided not to have children. During the times that I was a student or looking for work, I made sure our place was clean, our laundry was done and I had dinner on the table EVERY NIGHT. It was my way of pulling my weight and thanking my husband for supporting us.

I will be working full time again soon, so the housework will be divided more evenly.


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## northernlights

I was a SAHM from when my first was born until my younger one started kindy. I tend towards workaholism, so I was always super busy. 

A typical day was breakfast and playtime, outdoors a LOT, errands like grocery shopping, lunch, household chores, lots more play, lots more cleaning (sweep or vacuum daily, mop weekly, dust every other day, bathrooms every week, laundry pretty much every day, dishes 3 times a day, windows, walls, clean toys, and all of the outside chores except mowing the lawn. That was the ONLY thing my husband did. I fixed everything inside and out, and did all of the major and minor repairs. I told you I'm a workaholic!)

What else... lessons for the kids too, playdates, dinner every night, nap time, bedtime, diapers, teeth, there's so much to childcare. Lots and lots of play time. Sewing.

Here's the problem though: we spent 8 years with me doing EVERYTHING (oh, and not sleeping through the night for 8 years too. I nursed the little one until she was almost 4, including nighttime nursing), and now that I'm working full-time AND taking classes, I STILL do all of the chores (except mowing the lawn!).

My life isn't actually that much different, because the hours that the kids are in school are the hours I'm working, and when they're home I'm doing the cleaning/homework duty/childcare/cooking. They require less from me now that they're older, but the class and dogs have taken up that extra time.

Now, if I were a SAHM when the kids were in school, I'd LOVE it. I could have a hobby!! I could exercise! My showers would last more than 3 1/2 minutes! It's my dream, to somehow get a year off while the kids are in school. Oh, or I guess my husband could pick up some of the slack so I could at least exercise. But, I think I wouldn't be here if that were happening...


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## Redpill

I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves. 

Here is what most SAHM's do:

Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.

12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera

1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.

2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.

6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.

8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard. 

9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex. 

11:00 AM - Repeat.


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## NobodySpecial

SomeLady said:


> I've been thinking a lot, lately, about how little I do all day as a SAHM. I do some housework, and I make sure the kids don't burn the house down. Mostly, though, I goof around on the Internet.
> 
> This doesn't seem right to me. I feel like I should be doing more. Shouldn't I be working as if I were at a job? What job lets you goof off on the computer?
> 
> And, assuming a SAHM does all the housework possible during the day so that very little needs to be done on weekends and evenings, should there be an even division of labor? I sometimes think so. But, I also wonder if the reason I spend a couple of hours on the computer in the morning after everybody has left for the day isn't because I was doing all the stuff you do to get kids ready for school. Then, too, I also cook dinner and clean up afterwards. (H does the bedtime routine. I insist on this. I tell him it's because he should have that special daddy time with the kids. But, it's also because by that time, I'm pretty much ready to not deal with the kids any more for the day!)
> 
> I'm trying to be a better wife. Better housekeeping is part of that. So, I've been thinking about these things and I wondered what other people thought.




FlyLady.net is a good resource.


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## jld

I am a SAHM, and when the kids are grown will be a SAHW. I think having a job would interfere with our family's freedom. I guess we don't know the future, though.

Dh has always helped, even getting up to walk with the babies so I could get some sleep as a nursing mom. He wanted the babies nursed, so did whatever he could to help.

Dh wants me at home with the kids (we homeschool). He thinks the reading and writing I do here on TAM is worthwhile. He also likes me to read Paul Krugman's work and just generally keep my mind active. It makes me an interesting companion for him, I guess.

He pays for our life, so if he is happy with what I do, it's all good.


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## NobodySpecial

Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard.
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex.
> 
> 11:00 AM - Repeat.


I suspect there are actually people like this. But it is not super bright to think that most or even many are. 

I am always amazed at the degree of woman hate there is on pretty much all relationship boards.


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## Leobwin

It's not all bad around our house, but ....

Being a SAHM gives plenty of opportunity for the Devil to work an affair into the marriage.

In our case DW became involved with a work-from-home dad at our elementary school, and after eight years the damage from that 9-month dalliance is still being repaired.

Today, she remains a SAHM, martyrs herself in private and public conversation, and refuses to take a job outside the home even though our finances are dismal.

Not all bad, but aching.


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## Anonymous07

Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard.
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex.
> 
> 11:00 AM - Repeat.


Stuff like this sh!t bugs me. ^

I'm a SAHM and my "work day" never ends. 

My day starts at 8am and when our son goes to bed at 8pm, I get a couple hours of me time(well, more like couple time). Then he is up at 1am, 3am, and 5am to nurse(working on night weaning him off one of those feedings - husband sleeps through the night). During the day, it's cleaning, errands, making breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and keeping the little one happy/out of trouble. It's more tiring than my previous job, but I enjoy it(for the most part), being able to watch my son grow up. My husband occasionally helps out around the house, but typically it's all on me. 

I don't know any SAHMs who just sits on their butt all day. There are always things to be done, especially with never ending laundry and dishes. I meet up with a few moms each week to go walking, so we can all keep our sanity.


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## StayInIt

It is no good ladies. If you totally despise and hate all women, there is nothing that can convince you otherwise. No amount of hard work counts because it comes from a female and ALL WOMEN ATE UTTERLY WORTHLESS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd

Couldn't be a stay at home parent. It would drive me insane.


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## over20

Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard.
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex.
> 
> 11:00 AM - Repeat.




Why are you bitter? Sorry your wife let you down. NOT all SAHM are like her.


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## AnnieAsh

Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard.
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex.
> 
> 11:00 AM - Repeat.


I'm giggling so hard. If this were my life, I'm sure I'd be much more relaxed and not on the verge of being confined to bed rest. :rofl:


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## GettingIt_2

Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago.
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected.
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking.
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard.
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex.
> 
> 11:00 AM - Repeat.


Nah, Lunchables and those precooked meals are _way_ to expensive and impinge on my Clinique budget and funding for my twice-weekly spa days. MY kids know how to boil pasta, why should they get a fancy pants "pre cooked" meal? :rofl:


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## AnnieAsh

GettingIt said:


> Nah, Lunchables and those precooked meals are _way_ to expensive and impinge on my Clinique budget and funding for my twice-weekly spa days. MY kids know how to boil pasta, why should they get a fancy pants "pre cooked" meal? :rofl:


I send mine out to the yard to forage! It also takes care of any weeds that would ruin my perfectly manicured lawn.


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## GettingIt_2

AnnieAsh said:


> I send mine out to the yard to forage! It also takes care of any weeds that would ruin my perfectly manicured lawn.


Yeah, and what is it with "*deny* husband sex"? Mine knows better than to ask!


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## AnnieAsh

GettingIt said:


> Yeah, and what is it with "*deny* husband sex"? Mine knows better than to ask!


Only if you have subjugated him and taken his dignity like a proper SAHM. 

Owie. My side hurts from laughing too hard.


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## GettingIt_2

AnnieAsh said:


> Only if you have subjugated him and taken his dignity like a proper SAHM.
> 
> Owie. My side hurts from laughing too hard.


Well, you know, it took some doing, but he's broken in now. Oops, gotta go--I hear him at the door now. Gotta meet him first thing with some harsh criticisms. I'm thinking of starting out with: "Home ALREAY? Shouldn't you be putting in some overtime? We have a MAID to pay for, you know!"


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## SadSamIAm

Being a SAHM is a very hard job with multiple young children. My wife's job as a SAHM was much harder than mine for the first 8 years of having 3 kids. 

But once all the kids were in school her job got easier. She still kept busy and there was a bunch of running around to do. I did most of the running around after work, but she was often involved as well.

Now the kids are for the most part grown. Youngest is 17. All have their own cars and come and go as they please.

Now my wife's life is much easier than mine.

This is her weekday schedule now as far as I can tell:

1) Gets up at 7:45 and makes the kids lunches (I think they should be making their own).
2) 8:00 to 8:30 gets her hair and makeup ready before she goes to her workout class
3) 9:00 - 10:00 workout class
4) 10:00 - 4:00pm
- sometimes looking for furniture and things for the house
- sometimes meeting girlfriends for coffee/lunch
- sometimes grocery shopping
- sometimes napping
5) 4:00pm - 5:30pm Cooking Supper/ Watches TV
6) 6:30pm - 10:00pm
- sometimes watches TV
- sometimes cleans bathrooms/floors/etc.
- sometimes does laundry
(usually during this time she complains if I am not helping)
7) 10:00 - midnight or later - Watches TV
(I believe she stays up late to avoid intimacy with me)


Weekends - This is when she usually does her cleaning, laundry, etc. Complaining that I just sit around.

Our house is always immaculate and meals are always prepared.

My complaint is that our life should be easy. She should get the work around the house done during the same hours that I am at work. We should have plenty of time together during the evenings and weekends. But she is always busy in the house during those times. She gets upset if I try to tell her 'when' to do her job.

To be honest, I wouldn't care when she does her work, as long as she made time to be intimate with me 2 or 3 times a week. What is actually happening is that I am being rejected most of the time and she is working around me during the evenings and telling me how lazy I am. 

Lately I have tried to workout at night for a bit. I try to make a point of helping clean up dishes and put away left overs after supper. But it seems the more I help with cleaning/laundry/cooking, etc. the less she does during the day.

I run a business. We have plenty of money. I have offered to hire a cleaner to come in once or twice a week. She says that is stupid. That then she wouldn't have enough to do.


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## SimplyAmorous

I would enjoy taking a moment to respond to this post by Redpill .....I know everyone is :rofl: at what you said....I'll just give my real answers... I don't know anyone who lives quite like that..

... 1st of all.. I will be THE 1st to say that I feel my husband works MUCH HARDER THAN MYSELF, always has...he has to plow & scrape our icy driveway & brave the winter roads, work with A-holes & the boss from Hell, in the freezing cold laying under a Train...or 90 degree weather ....*I most definitely feel my role is EASIER*..and I say this with having 6 kids.. (at one time we had 4 ages 6 & under)...The 1st 3 I had in cloth diapers & didn't even have a dryer...never complained... never expected him to get up in the middle of the night either.

I try to do everything so this man can RELAX when he gets home.....why - I am greedy... I want my own time with him, I sure as hell don't want to waste my time during the day so I have to beg him to help my sorry a$$ when he gets home, I want our NIGHTS FREE...for activities, family time.. Open for friends, what ever comes...he enjoys his computer time too..does this many evenings before we retire together...

Plus he has other important things to do -like fixing vehicles... Manly house repairs that I am too feminine to handle... I am not a Handy Man.. but I'll help my Handyman!



> *SadSamIAm said:* *My complaint is that our life should be easy. She should get the work around the house done during the same hours that I am at work. We should have plenty of time together during the evenings and weekends. But she is always busy in the house during those times. She gets upset if I try to tell her 'when' to do her job.*










WITH YOU SadSam... I really feel Mothers should teach their daughters to manage their time & multitasking when their husbands are at work... in this we maximize our free time for each other.. this makes for a happier husband as well. 

Now my responses to this...



Redpill said:


> I laugh at people who say being a SAHM is the "hardest job in the world". Nothing but an empty phrase women and their loyal white knight followers use to validate themselves. My H is the Traditional type ...he has always preferred me to Be in the Home..(loved him for that)....even complained when I worked more hours in our earlier years - he felt we didn't see each other enough.
> 
> Here is what most SAHM's do:
> 
> Wake up at 11:00 AM - Child(ren) already got themselves ready for school and got picked up by the schoolbus about 3-4 hours ago. I get up every morning at 6am (including Sat & Sun) to cook for him, pack his lunch & send me off with a kiss....and on those weekdays..for the 5 kids still at home..Weekends we might have 9 kids there !.. Love it....but sometimes they just eat cold cereal too..easy mornings.... ...
> 
> 12:00 PM - 1:00 AM - Watch your favorite soap opera I used to do this before I got the internet...But I never shirked on my home responsibilities or expected my husband to lift a finger when he got home ..I had it handled.
> 
> 1:00-2:30 PM - Go to gym or meet your boyfriend because since your husband works his ass off from 5:00 AM to 8:00 PM to make sure everyone has the good life you feel neglected. Never did the Gym, nor pedicures or anything like this....hardly interested.. husband works 7-3.. love his hours! Happy he is not a Workaholic -cause then I would be bored...true... so it's my responsibility to Not waste his hard earned money....
> 
> 2:30-5:00 PM - Kids get home. Hands them a lunchable and go back to watching more TV or sitting on the computer. Too cheap to buy lunchables.. never bought one in my life, don't do Boxes foods...I would see that as wasting $$...Food has been prepared during the day -ready for as soon as they hit the door.... Laptop does sit in the kitchen inbetween my chores though... Our teen sons seem to enjoy Baking - which saves me ... Dad helps kids with their homework... I DO appreciate that.
> 
> 6:00-7:00 PM - Throw in a stouffers or marie calenders precooked meal because you've had such an exhausting day that you don't feel like cooking. We already ate back at 4pm....might be picking kids up from an activity at this time.. we kill time together when daughter has gymnastics class & grocery shop together .
> 
> 8:00 PM - Husband comes home, tell him how lucky he is to get out of the house. Make sure to inform him how he never helps out, and how you do everything. Your life is so hard. I have never spoken like this... in the beginning of our marriage, I worried we would not be able to afford me to stay home...so when we realized we could swing it, I have always felt the height of gratitude to be able to live this role..
> 
> I have never -literally never complained it is difficult.. or whined..it was part of our deal for having more kids even....If anything he has told me to wait till he comes home -so I won't bust another Lawn mower belt trying to save him some work... we have hours of grass to cut and I try to save him time.. but I get the mower stuck sometimes.. ha ha ...
> 
> 9:00 PM - Go to bed. Deny husband sex. I get more upset if HE is tired...need to calm my jets.... he likes to go to sleep around 10.. Me..maybe Midnight ...


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## yours4ever

I like working in the office. With job performance reviews, colleagues to mingle with, predictable tasks AND a paycheck at the end of the month... Who doesn't like being an employee?

The reason I became a SAHM is because I want my children to have a trustworthy caretaker.. And I trust NO one except me, husband, and the grandparents to take care of the children. I don't understand how people still hand their children to other people after hearing all sorts of news about child abuse and murder. Besides, why have babies when you don't take care of them? 

I will work in the office only if:
a. Husband loss his job and have a hard time to find work
b. We are in a huge debt
c. When our last child is at least 2 years old, and I have time for part time job


And hopefully, one I have half day free from taking care of children and housechores, I'd like to start working on a business...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GettingIt_2

You know, I think it's like any other job: some days are easier than others. I've had runs of pure hell, and times of relative ease. 

You can't easily make assumptions about what it means to be a SAHM. Some women find it an easy and desirable role, some women do it because they think it's right for the family and/or the kids and not because it's their first choice of "careers." Some women have more of a choice in the matter than others. Some women don't put much effort into "working" other than caring for the kids, some are dynamos who undertake project after project around the house. Same as anyone else with a job. 

I've been a SAHM for our three kids for 13 years. Lots of ups and downs and I find it harder work than when I had a job outside the home. But it has it perks, too. I agreed to stay home with the kids for a couple of different reasons, none of which were because I thought it would be more fulfilling than focusing on a career. I don't find it personally fulfilling, but I am satisfied with my decision to do this. I think it benefited our family, and my kids have many times noted how happy they are that I don't work. 

There is a fair amount of snark directed at SAHM's. Not sure why: we're not a very homogenous group at all, IMO.


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## frusdil

Well I just remember the days of getting up at stupid o'clock, going out in the freezing cold or stinking heat to go to work. Only having 2 days off a week, one spent sleeping from exhaustion...trying to do it all...run a house, care for pets, older parents, have friends, a life...

I did this for over 20 years. Blech.

My life is so much easier now, and I'm so grateful that my husband allows me to stay home. Some of the work is physically more demanding but I have total flexibility over what I do and when...I wouldn't change a thing.

I think SAHM's/SAHW's (again, NOT the ones with small children not yet at school, that's a whole different ball game) give themselves a bad name by going on and on about how hard it is.

Once the kids are in school, it's really not that hard.


----------



## AnnieAsh

frusdil said:


> Well I just remember the days of getting up at stupid o'clock, going out in the freezing cold or stinking heat to go to work. Only having 2 days off a week, one spent sleeping from exhaustion...trying to do it all...run a house, care for pets, older parents, have friends, a life...
> 
> I did this for over 20 years. Blech.
> 
> My life is so much easier now, and I'm so grateful that my husband allows me to stay home. Some of the work is physically more demanding but I have total flexibility over what I do and when...I wouldn't change a thing.
> 
> I think SAHM's/SAHW's (again, NOT the ones with small children not yet at school, that's a whole different ball game) give themselves a bad name by going on and on about how hard it is.
> 
> Once the kids are in school, it's really not that hard.


My experience is the opposite. My working life was easier than staying home. I was a restaurant manager, worked 50 to 60 hrs a week, dealt with rude/stupid people, got robbed once, did the corporate ass kissing, AND managed my team. I worked shifts 8am to 1am, then came back to do it again at 8 the next morning. 

Being a SAHM is tons harder. I have the perfect Annie in my head. Perfect Work Annie ALWAYS achieved her goals. SAHM Annie (to me) is a failure. Always. I could always have done better. I work around the clock for my family but I always spot that ONE THING I didn't get done. I am forced into bed at the end of the day by my husband (when he's home.) 

Maybe for some women it is easy. But for those of us who strive to make home a warm and comfortable place...we put a lot of expectations on ourselves.


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## Tall Average Guy

GettingIt said:


> Well, you know, it took some doing, but he's broken in now. Oops, gotta go--I hear him at the door now. Gotta meet him first thing with some harsh criticisms. I'm thinking of starting out with: "Home ALREAY? Shouldn't you be putting in some overtime? We have a MAID to pay for, you know!"


Make sure to mention that the bon-bons you require as is you right ain't free. Plus the pool boy needs a new "outfit." My wife is always telling me that (despite the awkward fact that we don't have a pool).

In all seriousness, the one thing that makes being a SAHM difficult is the lack of deadlines in many cases. My wife takes on a lot of tasks that need to be done, but don't need to be done that minute. So there is a level of self discipline in attacking the office to remove clutter, for example, that is impressive.


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## NobodySpecial

AnnieAsh said:


> My experience is the opposite. My working life was easier than staying home. I was a restaurant manager, worked 50 to 60 hrs a week, dealt with rude/stupid people, got robbed once, did the corporate ass kissing, AND managed my team. I worked shifts 8am to 1am, then came back to do it again at 8 the next morning.
> 
> Being a SAHM is tons harder. I have the perfect Annie in my head. Perfect Work Annie ALWAYS achieved her goals. SAHM Annie (to me) is a failure. Always. I could always have done better. I work around the clock for my family but I always spot that ONE THING I didn't get done. I am forced into bed at the end of the day by my husband (when he's home.)


Oh MAN you need flylady.com. You really do. FLY means finally loving yourself. It means accepting what you can, and not letting the perfect get in the way of the possible. 

*I* think you rock.


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## GettingIt_2

Tall Average Guy said:


> Make sure to mention that the bon-bons you require as is you right ain't free. Plus the pool boy needs a new "outfit." My wife is always telling me that (despite the awkward fact that we don't have a pool).
> 
> In all seriousness, the one thing that makes being a SAHM difficult is the lack of deadlines in many cases. My wife takes on a lot of tasks that need to be done, but don't need to be done that minute. So there is a level of self discipline in attacking the office to remove clutter, for example, that is impressive.


I think one thing that is often missing from these discussions is consideration of a person's aptitude and desire for staying at home. Those things can really color one's assessment of how "hard" it is. 

I'm good at it, but it doesn't fulfill me. For many years it made more sense financially. Now everyone--kids and husband--are used to the perks of having me around. Clothes are always clean, there are home cooked meals every day, house in good order, larder always full, I have the time to keep in great shape, I handle the social schedule, homework, appointments, etc, etc. 

Is the work "hard?" Well, sometimes it's very stressful because I'm busy and I do pressure myself to do a good job, but more and more I find it a mind numbing grind and I long for something more. My husband feels the same at his job. If we could switch, we would, but we've also gotten used to the perks of his salary, versus what mine would be. 

I'm sure there are days when I slack at my job, just as there are days when he slacks at his. SAHM (and SAHDs for that matter) aren't inherently spoiled or lazy or ungrateful, but if you look, it is easy to see that some SAHMs have those qualities, same as some engineers, mechanics, teachers, data entry clerks, truck drivers, film makers, computer programmers, lawyers, nurses, receptionists . . . you get my drift.


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## EnjoliWoman

I was a SAHM for the first two years. I got up when she did, fed her then put her down to play while I did a 30 minute aerobic DVD. Then a shower, sometimes with her, but depending on her nap time. The rest of the day usually involved cleaning, taking care of kiddo, cooking, gardening, laundry, doing grocery shopping or working on some project around the house. Sometimes there was TV tho that was usually with him because he made fun of anything I watched so I just didn't. He worked from home (OY) so my 'weekend' never really happened - if he wanted to go out on the boat we'd go on a weekday. He occasionally cooked breakfast and usually did lawn care although I helped with big projects and he usually scrubbed the shower because I hated it and he didn't mind and would scrub when he took a shower. He also took care of automotive stuff and did all the financial stuff but that was so linked with his business it only made sense although he nearly bankrupt us.

But for the most part I assumed my job was to care for kiddo, do most of the cleaning and cooking and all of the laundry and home stuff (decorating) and errands.

Now I do all of that AND work although when I left kiddo was in preschool. I still make breakfast, pack her lunch, cook dinner, clean, do laundry, take care of the lawn, do home repairs and keep up with auto maintenance and manage all of the finances. I still hate scrubbing the shower.  

Kiddo has to pick up her room/vacuum it and clean her bathroom (which doesn't happen often). I tell her that her 'job' is to do well in school and her chores vary depending on how big her workload is. In the summer she'll have daily chores assigned but then again that's when I also have to mow, whereas in the winter I don't. It balances out.


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## John Lee

Having done the occasional stay-home day with my kid, it seems to me that how hard the work is depends on your standards. It IS hard to actually have a clean house, a home-cooked meal on the table, the laundry done, and actually do something with your kid outside the house and not just plop them in front of the TV all day. I would say just as hard as an above-average day at my job, but in a different way. Also depends on the age of your kids/whether you have to watch them constantly or not. 

At the same time, if you slack as a stay-home parent, you can usually get away with it, and there aren't generally days as hard as my hardest days. There's also the mind-numbing element of being a stay-home parent which is tiring in its way. Of course, even my "high-powered" job has its slack days -- today I'm posting on the internet a lot of the day and I took a long lunch, had a beer and watched some NCAA. There are crunch times and there are slack times.


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## AnnieAsh

NobodySpecial said:


> Oh MAN you need flylady.com. You really do. FLY means finally loving yourself. It means accepting what you can, and not letting the perfect get in the way of the possible.
> 
> *I* think you rock.


Aww thank you. 

I think my biggest challenge is accepting that everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time. It's ok if someone leaves a plastic baseball bat on the couch or if there are lalaloopsie toys in the middle of my bedroom floor lol.


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## NobodySpecial

AnnieAsh said:


> Aww thank you.
> 
> I think my biggest challenge is accepting that everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time. It's ok if someone leaves a plastic baseball bat on the couch or if there are lalaloopsie toys in the middle of my bedroom floor lol.


Well now you are speaking to my pet thing. If there is a baseball bat on the couch, I am betting you did not put it there. Why would you pick it up?!? That is the responsibility of the person who put it there. It is great for the kids to learn to take care of their own things. Place a box somewhere out of reach. Things that they leave lying around go in the Saturday box. They get them back on Saturday. If they want their belongings to use, put them away! Anything that repeatedly winds up in the Saturday box they don't like enough to keep and gets thrown out. I mean, talk to them first though.


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## WorkingOnMe

SomeLady said:


> Stay-at-Home Wives: What do you do all day? (What should they do?)


Kegals?


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## not recognizable

chillymorn said:


> the cats out of the bag SAHM have it easy.
> if you can get the house work done during the day then why not?
> 
> maybe a part time job.


Thank goodness she is honest about it!! Usually it's just realms of self justification.


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## not recognizable

"definitely not one of those women who would be 'bored' if they had to stay home all day"

Me either. It's funny; the only women I hear say that are the working ones.
If someone can't find the world interesting enough to occupy her mind and spare time, then she needs a job!


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## AliceA

Lol, I like working, but I'm never bored at home. Give me nothing to do and I'll give you a big HUG! :yay:


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## FizzBomb

*Zombie thread. Originally from over one year ago.*

Shevette Shears, why don't you start your own thread instead of posting on a defunct one.


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