# 16 years down the drain.....



## Bestofme

Hello all
I am 35, my wife is 31..Its been a while since I last posted on the site, and boy has it been one screwed ride….So a little background, last year in August my wife had started a new job as a preschool teacher at a local school, prior to that she was a preschool teacher at and worked with only females at a private school. So after she had gotten the job at the school things began to change with her. Our marriage was not perfect… I had been having issues with a video game addiction, and also had issue with communication, due to withdrawing when issues got difficult, also affection was missing within our marriage due to the lack of communication, and the slight depression I had due to recent work-related issues. So let me begin, these past 6 months I have tried to do all I can as a husband to work on myself and this marriage… I started to get into the gym, started IC, took on the on tasks at home such as cooking and cleaning, and anything else my wife needed help with… yet my wife turned into the opposite of who I married. she started to show the signs of having an affair… staying at work late, not really talking much at home, taking away affection such as holding hands, hugs, and even sex was taken off the table, outside of the few times we fooled around. There was moments were it was like walking on egg shells, either she would snap or she would be difficult to compromise with.
We did attempt MC, but eve with that she would get overwhelmed, and after every session, she would leave to get time to herself, by parking in a parking lot without telling me where she was or when she would be coming back… so come a month in a half ago…. I go through her purse to find a note. I question her about it and she flips, get angry that I found the note, and would go through her purse. I told her just to be honest with me, but she could not. Shortly after she told she was moving out for the first time in 5 months she actually show emotion, but the nightmare would begin. the moving out process lasted 5 days, and it was pure hell, she was grabbing everything that she could, she fought over the littlest of things such as Disney movies, fighting or the tv, and all the while was unpleasant, all the while I was devasted with all of this happening. Even now she complains that I got the house which we are renting and she is living with her sister.

So at the current moment, separation hasn’t been much easier, I once told her the truth comes out…and it sure did…I had found out through a friend who sent me pictures that she met with the janitor who she worked with at a park, I also got pictures to prove it. there was no kissing hugging, or touching, but they sat on blanket and talked….i had had enough, and confronted her on it…she once again denied doing anything wrong, she said they were just friends, but I knew better to believe her, and of course she was denying doing anything wrong…..a week later met with a guy who worked with this janitor and he told me every detail of why she never wanted me at work….how her and the janitor would stay and her class room and talk, how it would happen maybe three times a week, to the point he would get behind on his janitor duties. How this person had been moved 3 other times for going after married women at other schools. I was beyond angry, and humiliated by what I was hearing, all those moment where I made dinner and she said she had work, all those moments where I tried to bring dinner to her, and she said no. Once I confronted her once again she explained she did no wrong, that they were friends. Crying about if I say anything, she could lose her job, and that is where things began to get a little worse. She had threatened me with a restraining order, she had threated my job, she threated to go after money that I had saved from finical aid before we got married.

So things get better from here…last Friday i finally met this guy at a gas station by chance… I held my self back from doing anything in the store as I stood behind the guy, he said nothing, shortly after he put gas, he parked behind my car, and rolled his window half ways and began to tell me things, of course I exchanged pleasantries with him, and he would shortly leave after words, after that incident he would then drive by on Monday and Tuesday and smile laugh, and flip me off. Of course I had spoken with law enforcement about the threat my wife has made, and about this gentlemen and his actions. And they told me I could get a restraining order, and they would call this guy to tell me to knock his crap off.

So here I am today I did everything a good husband would do to save what we had built these past 16 years. I know I cant control her actions, but after these last 6 months I was taken to a point where the person I trusted the most torn me down on a personal and emotional level. We had met last night for her to get me off her phone line, and it only began to argue in the parking lot, even after I tried to walk away, she began to threaten my job with false statements, started to tell me she was going to dump off a personal line of credit on me, began to cuss at me, as she blamed me for all the drama that had been going on. She tells me that she didn’t like that I had no life goals or motivation for life itself( I went out and go my masters) I had asked her if she has filed, and she tells me it was in the works, that we can do a quick easy divorce online??? Asked me if I had deleted the pictures with her and other person, and wanted to check my phone to make sure, once I told her no she began to cuss again saying that I’m risking her job by keeping those pictures. She has told me she wanted to be ambiclie, but with how emotionally unstable she I doubt that an be possible. My last shot to her was tell her that she lost a really good man, her response was she lost a good women, which I responded good women don’t cheat on there husband for a 38 year old part-time janitor who had a girlfriend, and you may be psycho. For a woman who fantasied about marriage all these years, you failed at marriage because you didn’t understand the work that goes into making it work.

These past 6 months I know I was being gas lighted, she never attempted to get IC, she tried to sweep everything under the rug… these past 6 months I’ve taken things for anxiety, for depression, sleeping pills for the lack of sleep of panic attacks I get when I wake up at night. I have lost 50 pounds since December going from 203 to 158. I won’t lie when I say I still love my wife, but I’ve been confused with how this once great woman turned into this selfish callous monster. I have no idea what to expect from the divorce, I do not want to file, but she has not filed either. She tells me that she doesn’t love me and doesn’t feel for me in that way anymore, yet tells me she doesn’t know if she can get back with me because according to her my actions have affected her too much. Up until last night I was all for reconciling, I would have worked with her through the affair, but even as I sit her. Her has spoken badly about me with her family since they don’t say hi anymore. 

So I’m unsure as to go from here, where I use to be happy to talk to and see my wife, I try to avoid her due to the negativity she brings. Even last night I see her and I get butterflies, yet to be turned down. I don’t understand why its taken so long for her file for divorce if that is what she wanted, I don’t understand why she can’t just say yes I had an emotional affair with this janitor, or why she can take ownership that it was due to her actions that all of this occurred. Each day I am getting stronger, but I have my moments…As for divorce, I am unsure what to expect, she is acting like this at the moment, I can only imagine what she will be like during divorce. I been told that cheaters always come crawling back after realizing what they lost, and I do feel she had no clue what she had in me as a husband, all these years I did everything for her, but I cannot forget how selfish she was in the choices she made. Or for someone who loved me so much how they could do all the things they did without any remorse. I don’t think she understands the trail of devastation she has caused with her actions, or how this has affected my family who loved her like a daughter and was there for her when her parents were being abusive. so I am taking it day by day, learning how to take care of myself, but I dread what is to come, and have no clue how to prepare for it, or how to approach the coming storm.


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## Ra3a369

Sorry you’re here man. I have recently been going through an identical situation. First, let me tell you some hard truth, it’s not just emotional it’s physical. Deny it all you want, but it will cause you misery in the end. Start to accept that now. Her actions are typical of cheaters. They blame shift, gas light, and get angry to relieve their guilt. I’ve been there trust me. 

Your best move is to start a 180 with no contact and start to detach now. Trust me on this. It will be hard for a while but after a week or more you will start to feel differently on your view of your cheating wife. I would keep a VAR on you too since she likes to threaten you so much. 

At the end of the day, it’s your choice on what you can live with knowing. However, you should choose you own self respect over your love for your wife. Once they cheat, it only becomes easier and do you really wanna be back here again in a year or 10 years? 

Good luck. 


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## Trident

Use the photos on your phone as leverage to get a better deal in the divorce.


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## Bestofme

Ra3a369 said:


> Sorry you’re here man. I have recently been going through an identical situation. First, let me tell you some hard truth, it’s not just emotional it’s physical. Deny it all you want, but it will cause you misery in the end. Start to accept that now. Her actions are typical of cheaters. They blame shift, gas light, and get angry to relieve their guilt. I’ve been there trust me.
> 
> Your best move is to start a 180 with no contact and start to detach now. Trust me on this. It will be hard for a while but after a week or more you will start to feel differently on your view of your cheating wife. I would keep a VAR on you too since she likes to threaten you so much.
> 
> At the end of the day, it’s your choice on what you can live with knowing. However, you should choose you own self respect over your love for your wife. Once they cheat, it only becomes easier and do you really wanna be back here again in a year or 10 years?
> 
> Good luck.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



thanks man i appreciate the kind words, and at this point nothing she has told me i would trust, emotional or physical, she has been exposed for cheating regardless, and yes the who blame shife denial has shown it face before. just curious what is this VAR you speak of?


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## Bestofme

Trident said:


> Use the photos on your phone as leverage to get a better deal in the divorce.



i live in California, so considering that the start isa no-fault state, i do not know what type of leverage i cant get from the photos. I don't even want to look at them, i had nightmares from those damn things, and how she treated me.


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## Ra3a369

Bestofme said:


> thanks man i appreciate the kind words, and at this point nothing she has told me i would trust, emotional or physical, she has been exposed for cheating regardless, and yes the who blame shife denial has shown it face before. just curious what is this VAR you speak of?




Voice activated recorder. 


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## Trident

Bestofme said:


> i live in California, so considering that the start isa no-fault state, i do not know what type of leverage i cant get from the photos. I don't even want to look at them, i had nightmares from those damn things, and how she treated me.


She wants the photos gone because it's a threat to her job or her reputation or both.

There's your leverage.


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## Bestofme

Trident said:


> She wants the photos gone because it's a threat to her job or her reputation or both.
> 
> There's your leverage.




to be honest it is a threat to both... her job has a strict no-dating co-worker policy, and as for her reputation, she has always tried to be the perfect nice person.... which is now out the door. the sad thing is i work with her school through a program that i work with at the college, and i was told i need to notify them why i wont be working with the at school.

she has tried to blame me for the issues she is having at work, but i told her that due to her selfish choices all this has occurred...she still blames shifts, and refuses to take accountability for anything she has done with her work or with our marriage.


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## SentHereForAReason

BOM, lot of similarities I see here between your story and mine, some differences but enough of the same and enough of the same as so many others on TAM.

As it's been said, sorry you are here. Take solace in your efforts to forgive, to try and work it out and move on. That will be important down the road, might be a while before it does though as the hurt and the state of disbelief you are in take center stage and then that will eventually fade over time.

The bad news (some may say good news, as it will be better off for you) but the bad news as of right now, what you don't want to hear is that it's over BOM, there's nothing you can do. You can decide to wait for her to divorce officially or you can stick it out until it becomes inevitable but it's over. She has left you no choice and if you are like me, the affair doesn't hurt as much as the treatment. How someone you trusted your life with, your future, who could be your ally, your life ... has now turned YOU into HER worst enemy and the roadblock to her 'happiness'. The things she can say and do and how easy it seems for her. She's done, more than done and there's nothing you can do about it. Even if she didn't give you a crumb of second guessing or 'I don't knows' it would all be delaying the inevitable of her kicking you and the previous life to the curb. Sucks but it's just where you are at in this process, where I was 7-10 months ago.

As it has been said already, very, very unlikely this was just emotional. Not important now because the endgame is the same. I would keep those pics but put them on a flash drive and toss it away somewhere as a just in case but not somewhere where you encounter every day. As you said, they will likely do you no good. 

Even though it may seem like it goes against what you believe in and are going along with what she foolishly wants. You must get a consultation with a lawyer or 2 or 3, ASAP. Understand your rights, get the divorce process in motion and then give her what she 'wants'. Coming from someone that tried everything, over a long period of time and many times in that span. Once it gets to this point, it's way over. You can still walk away with this, with dignity and a clear conscience. Stop engaging with her, don't even give her insults. Just show her indifference and don't bite when she tries to get peeps out of you.

The MUSTS;
- again, talk to legal counsel, this is not to show her consequence or that you mean business, it's just a plain necessity at this point to protect your life and future
- keep working out
- keep cooking, cleaning and things that keep you busy and make you feel like you are bettering yourself and growing
- keep up with IC, that is a big MUST
- stop talking to her, seriously, if it is a required response, not many are, make it short and indifferent and to the point, not mean

You'll get through this dude, you will never understand it but this is a type of crazy that defies logic and understanding. You will most likely, like myself always wonder what we could have done to be better, we should have done this or that but when it comes down to it, unless we were completely negligent or abusive, none of it warrants the emotional abuse of an affair upon their partner. Keep posting, we will keep trying to help.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Dude, your not at all in a bad place, her seat in the fire will be along shortly. Seriously, she went with a janitor? lol I mean c'mon, all the stories have the cute little teacher banging the principle or the sports director. NOT THE JANITOR. 

Keep with your attorney. She is deceitful and violent. Never underestimate a woman's wrath. Keep a VAR handy at all times. Do not communicate to her, and be left alone with her. She will DESTROY you.

Go to a gym like others have said. It will give you that Eu-stress you need and give back a little of the ego that was taken. Keep clean and get a haircut and a shave! Nothing feels better and wipes the slate cleaner. 

IC is good to process and build up a good support system. You got friends you can lean on during these times? And remember, you will be vindicated later on by living a happy existence and enjoying life with someone else who values YOU.


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## Bestofme

stillfightingforus said:


> BOM, lot of similarities I see here between your story and mine, some differences but enough of the same and enough of the same as so many others on TAM.
> 
> As it's been said, sorry you are here. Take solace in your efforts to forgive, to try and work it out and move on. That will be important down the road, might be a while before it does though as the hurt and the state of disbelief you are in take center stage and then that will eventually fade over time.
> 
> The bad news (some may say good news, as it will be better off for you) but the bad news as of right now, what you don't want to hear is that it's over BOM, there's nothing you can do. You can decide to wait for her to divorce officially or you can stick it out until it becomes inevitable but it's over. She has left you no choice and if you are like me, the affair doesn't hurt as much as the treatment. How someone you trusted your life with, your future, who could be your ally, your life ... has now turned YOU into HER worst enemy and the roadblock to her 'happiness'. The things she can say and do and how easy it seems for her. She's done, more than done and there's nothing you can do about it. Even if she didn't give you a crumb of second guessing or 'I don't knows' it would all be delaying the inevitable of her kicking you and the previous life to the curb. Sucks but it's just where you are at in this process, where I was 7-10 months ago.
> 
> As it has been said already, very, very unlikely this was just emotional. Not important now because the endgame is the same. I would keep those pics but put them on a flash drive and toss it away somewhere as a just in case but not somewhere where you encounter every day. As you said, they will likely do you no good.
> 
> Even though it may seem like it goes against what you believe in and are going along with what she foolishly wants. You must get a consultation with a lawyer or 2 or 3, ASAP. Understand your rights, get the divorce process in motion and then give her what she 'wants'. Coming from someone that tried everything, over a long period of time and many times in that span. Once it gets to this point, it's way over. You can still walk away with this, with dignity and a clear conscience. Stop engaging with her, don't even give her insults. Just show her indifference and don't bite when she tries to get peeps out of you.
> 
> The MUSTS;
> - again, talk to legal counsel, this is not to show her consequence or that you mean business, it's just a plain necessity at this point to protect your life and future
> - keep working out
> - keep cooking, cleaning and things that keep you busy and make you feel like you are bettering yourself and growing
> - keep up with IC, that is a big MUST
> - stop talking to her, seriously, if it is a required response, not many are, make it short and indifferent and to the point, not mean
> 
> You'll get through this dude, you will never understand it but this is a type of crazy that defies logic and understanding. You will most likely, like myself always wonder what we could have done to be better, we should have done this or that but when it comes down to it, unless we were completely negligent or abusive, none of it warrants the emotional abuse of an affair upon their partner. Keep posting, we will keep trying to help.



thanks foe the advice...my IC mentioned serval thigs to me that stood out.... first that im in the grieving process, and what i am griving is the woman that she use to be, not the woman that she became. 2nd the question that was asked is you are doing all you can to work on yourself, your growing stronger, but have you asked what is your wife doing to help herself? after 16 years the fact that she started something with someone else only says that she has a lot of unresolved issues, and in the long run it will come crashing down on her. 

they hadrest adjustment was within our marriage, i took care of us as a family and learning how to be selfish and make things about me has been difficult at times. 
as for talking to her... where i once got exicted and happuy to talk with her, what happened last night at the att store only showed me that she is very confrontational, and does what she can to push my buttons. and yes, unfortunately, im coming to the relaziation that my marriage is over, but its the divorce that i am fearing the most... considering i know that she is only going to show the worst of herself during that process.


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## SentHereForAReason

Bestofme said:


> thanks foe the advice...my IC mentioned serval thigs to me that stood out.... first that im in the grieving process, and what i am griving is the woman that she use to be, not the woman that she became. 2nd the question that was asked is you are doing all you can to work on yourself, your growing stronger, but have you asked what is your wife doing to help herself? after 16 years the fact that she started something with someone else only says that she has a lot of unresolved issues, and in the long run it will come crashing down on her.
> 
> they hadrest adjustment was within our marriage, i took care of us as a family and learning how to be selfish and make things about me has been difficult at times.
> as for talking to her... where i once got exicted and happuy to talk with her, what happened last night at the att store only showed me that she is very confrontational, and does what she can to push my buttons. and yes, unfortunately, im coming to the relaziation that my marriage is over, but its the divorce that i am fearing the most... considering i know that she is only going to show the worst of herself during that process.


Forgot to address that statement. You will endure more sucky things but it really can't get that much worse and whether you push forward with divorce this week or next month, none of that is going to stop her from any of the behavior or antics. She is going to do them whether you file or not, so you might as well get the ball rolling and start now. The sooner you start, the sooner the healing starts as well. THere's a lot to fear and not look forward to but embrace it, realize the feelings for what they are but move in parallel by seeing a lawyer ASAP! The shi%%Y behavior, as I said, can't get much worse and the things she will say and do will not be a reflection of what you did, what you are going to do with filing but rather a reflection on herself. That's not just cliche BS, it's the damn truth.


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## Bestofme

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Dude, your not at all in a bad place, her seat in the fire will be along shortly. Seriously, she went with a janitor? lol I mean c'mon, all the stories have the cute little teacher banging the principle or the sports director. NOT THE JANITOR.
> 
> Keep with your attorney. She is deceitful and violent. Never underestimate a woman's wrath. Keep a VAR handy at all times. Do not communicate to her, and be left alone with her. She will DESTROY you.
> 
> Go to a gym like others have said. It will give you that Eu-stress you need and give back a little of the ego that was taken. Keep clean and get a haircut and a shave! Nothing feels better and wipes the slate cleaner.
> 
> IC is good to process and build up a good support system. You got friends you can lean on during these times? And remember, you will be vindicated later on by living a happy existence and enjoying life with someone else who values YOU.



sad thing she told me recenlty was i lacked life goals and motivation for more in life....i went out got masters to take care of our family, while this janiot at the age of 38 has been at his job for 5 years at part time, 15 hours?? i was furious \.
as for IC been going since jan, and its been helping me work out things. support sysytem friends and family, and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house.


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## SentHereForAReason

"and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house"

Coming from myself, yes, no matter how crappy of a wife she was and how much she betrayed you over the past so many months, yes, believe it or not and I can't explain it, it still sucks because like you even said, we are attached to the life that once was or at the very least what we thought it was.

But coming from someone on the outside just looking in. You are coming home to a lonely house but free of a mega-B and someone that is just going to do and say things to make your life Hell. After a while, once the divorce is final, you will start to enjoy things again. It still stings for me a little because of the grieving but mainly because I don't have my kids half the time and I was the primary parent, spent everyday of my life with the kids (aside from a few mini-vacations with EW). That part will take a lot longer to not feel sh***y about.


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## Yeswecan

You have kids with this woman? No? Run brother. You go file. Stop the pick me dance. File the paperwork and make this all very REAL for the WW!


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## Bestofme

Yeswecan said:


> You have kids with this woman? No? Run brother. You go file. Stop the pick me dance. File the paperwork and make this all very REAL for the WW!


no kids sadly, her emy question why hasnt she filed? after all this time if she was so unhappy i figured she would have.... i askd her last night if she filed, and she tells me its in the works??? as for the divorce process how is that going to play out? i know once i file she will be served, its the asset part that im dreading, this woman fought over disney movies during her moving out....oh she left her wedding dress, can i get rid of it?


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## Ra3a369

Bestofme said:


> no kids sadly, her emy question why hasnt she filed? after all this time if she was so unhappy i figured she would have.... i askd her last night if she filed, and she tells me its in the works??? as for the divorce process how is that going to play out? i know once i file she will be served, its the asset part that im dreading, this woman fought over disney movies during her moving out....oh she left her wedding dress, can i get rid of it?




She isn’t filing because you’re officially her plan B. Take that away from her...


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## Beach123

Bestofme said:


> to be honest it is a threat to both... her job has a strict no-dating co-worker policy, and as for her reputation, she has always tried to be the perfect nice person.... which is now out the door. the sad thing is i work with her school through a program that i work with at the college, and i was told i need to notify them why i wont be working with the at school.
> 
> she has tried to blame me for the issues she is having at work, but i told her that due to her selfish choices all this has occurred...she still blames shifts, and refuses to take accountability for anything she has done with her work or with our marriage.


Stop being so nice to her!

She wants to acts like a tramp and have no consequences? It doesn't work that way when you're married!

File immediately for divorce - so she understands what consequences her lying and cheating and sneaky behavior has created.

Then go dark on her for a while...see if those actions sink in on her - and if she gets at all motivated to be a decent wife again... and if she's not completely willing to own her part in it and change everything - then have the divorce finalized.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Bestofme said:


> sad thing she told me recenlty was i lacked life goals and motivation for more in life....i went out got masters to take care of our family, while this janiot at the age of 38 has been at his job for 5 years at part time, 15 hours?? i was furious \.
> as for IC been going since jan, and its been helping me work out things. support sysytem friends and family, and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house.


OP doesn't have life goals...ROFL! The dude barely has a high school diploma right? And part time only? And he gives OP the finger? hahaha.

Jokes on him. When you do see him next, give him the TAM special..."Not my circus, not my monkeys." If he gives you guff about taking your "woman", just smile and say "Thank God!" "She's your mess now..."


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## Bestofme

BarbedFenceRider said:


> OP doesn't have life goals...ROFL! The dude barely has a high school diploma right? And part time only? And he gives OP the finger? hahaha.
> 
> Jokes on him. When you do see him next, give him the TAM special..."Not my circus, not my monkeys." If he gives you guff about taking your "woman", just smile and say "Thank God!" "She's your mess now..."





Beach123 said:


> Stop being so nice to her!
> 
> She wants to acts like a tramp and have no consequences? It doesn't work that way when you're married!
> 
> File immediately for divorce - so she understands what consequences her lying and cheating and sneaky behavior has created.
> 
> Then go dark on her for a while...see if those actions sink in on her - and if she gets at all motivated to be a decent wife again... and if she's not completely willing to own her part in it and change everything - then have the divorce finalized.






so justa response to all of this... yes what i learned is that he been a janitor for 5 years, 38 years old, lives with his parents, makes 15 an hour, and has been moved 3 times from different school du to going after married women. andy es not unless the require a bachlors or aa for janitor, yup hig hschool diploma.

as for being too nice....yes i am too nice, too kind really, even with all this bull**** my weakness has been just that. so as for consequences how can I go about this, im furious how she treated me, and i know that im the safety next, considering this falls apart on her. all ive ever know is to be a good husband, not a doormat, but all of this going on im ready to do what i need for myself, i understand filing i just dont know what to expect after the fact, all i know if she gets served ill be doing it at her work.

as for motivation, her parents now have influence over her, she can think for herself, she never been able too, even though this is our marriage, it would be me, and all her family marriage now. she knows she ****ed up, yet has hasnt been willing to take ownership for anything she has done... she blame shifts, and even with all this is trying to sweep it under the rug....too immature to understand divorce isnt any better, and too selfcentered to realize the damage she has casued,


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## SentHereForAReason

To answer your question about why she hasn't filed? Could be a variety of reasons, none of them good. With her decision making of ending up with the Janitor it's likely she really hasn't done a whole lot of research on the technicalities of it and is too lazy to do so until she has to and figures it will just fall in her lap. And for many, the only tiny shred of image that they think they can uphold, they would much rather you file for the divorce and do the 'dirty' work. It took me a long time to get over doing something she wanted me to do for her but then I realized, it's one of those things that it didn't matter if she wanted it and it needed to be done, the importance of it just needing to be done greatly outweighed the negatives of giving in.

Best way to sum it up as I started, the reasons she hasn't filed, none of them are good for you, although we certainly would like to think they don't file in these situations because they have doubts or 2nd thoughts, that would comfort us a tad and it was one of my last strands of dental floss hope but even that went up in smoke. Sooner or later, they even break that strand and get tired of waiting. Took a few months of my EW hoping I could 'just let her go' or agree to a split, to just her going on her own behind my back and looking at legal options to get the ball rolling. 

So much of what we say on here could be one-sided or rhetoric but please take my word for this, as someone who is pro-reconciliation when it's possible. Reconciliation is not possible here and you need to talk to a lawyer for the consultation. Forget paying a retainer or how you can afford it, etc. Don't even think about what you are going to hear, go and hear it so you know ALL of your options.


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## Bestofme

to be honest guys, there hasnt been a day , where i don't get the answer on how a person can just present that 16 years of sacrfices, accomplishments, and just love can be thrown away just like like that. even with all that crap she has done, it would seem she doesnt care aboutthe devsiation she has caused...crazy thing 16 years i was faithful, i was a good husband....this whole process has been bring out a whole new side to me, but looking at the divorce thats on the horizion all i can do is shake my head, and wonder WTF, ask the question of how the hell can one person do all this crap, and act if life is all good.

i understand filing, but ive heard the asset part is not the best experience, and i know for sure she is going to fight. but i am tired of her think she has all this pwoer, andthat was evident when i had mentioned i had to speak to her boss to explain why i had to stop working with her school site... she freaked, and almost cried at the idea.


as for reconciliation, i had hopes for it, i was willing to work through it, but ball was in her court, and time after time her actions have shown just who she is even after 16 years.


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## Ra3a369

Dude, trust me on this hard lesson i had to learn, you will never understand it. There is no rational explanation. Don’t think about all of that or the what if’s. It will drive you insane and keep you wallowing in yourself and being a doormat. Listen to what others are telling you. You were me a month ago, and i feel so much better today after taking their advice. No contact, var, file, and let your actions decide the outcome, not her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## bandit.45

Bestofme said:


> sad thing she told me recenlty was i lacked life goals and motivation for more in life....i went out got masters to take care of our family, while this janiot at the age of 38 has been at his job for 5 years at part time, 15 hours?? i was furious \.
> as for IC been going since jan, and its been helping me work out things. support sysytem friends and family, and the hardest things is coimng home to a big lonly house.


She's going to spew vitriol and hatred and all sorts of stupid crap because she's mad at you for exposing her and is angry you just didn't roll over and take it. 

She is showing you who she really is...who she always was. Time to shed yourself of the love-goggles and see her for the selfish creep she really is. Remind yourself of this every time you feel uncertain.


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## Yeswecan

Bestofme said:


> realize the damage she has casued,


Sir, sometimes the serving if D papers makes the other realize the damage they have caused. Don't delay. You start the proceedings. You take control. The W you once knew no longer exists.


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## Bestofme

Yeswecan said:


> Sir, sometimes the serving if D papers makes the other realize the damage they have caused. Don't delay. You start the proceedings. You take control. The W you once knew no longer exists.



i agree with this comment, i miss the woman she was,... i just want her to hurt for the **** she ut me through, sounds petty, but i want to to feel what i had to deal with for the last 6 months, and these last few weeks. as for filing ill be doing that ina week ina half, i need to leave o im takinga crusie to mexico...need some me time, but when i get back ill be starting the process.

for those of you who have filed , and gone through the paperwork, will there be a mediator at any point? as for asset if there disagreements whats happens from that point of view.


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## BarbedFenceRider

1. Go to an attorney. Or visit a few and limit your WW's options later. They can't represent her if you got advise from them first....

2. Get her off of your financials. Get attorney to help you with that. Get accounts in YOUR NAME ONLY. Anything you pay for, you stop...Phone, internet, gym club membership. She is getting a free ride. You need to stop it.

3. Begin the 180. Read about it here or just google it. Either way, you need to implement this to help YOU survive this attack upon you. She is not your wife that you knew, she is the enemy. She is a cheater and she is in infidelity. You are taking steps to get out of infidelity. 

4. Get all of her stuff OUT of the house. She is at her Mom's? Good, bag it up and send it there. Remember, you are not trying to punish her, you are helping yourself in a time of need.

5. Get some exercise. Burn off that stress and then get some good rest. Lay off the booze for awhile. It never helps. A clear head can make better decisions under pressure. But of course, a masters degree doesn't need that bit of advice huh....

6. No contact. Make sure you keep a recording device on you when dealing with her or the dumb gum on desk cleaner....


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## SentHereForAReason

Bestofme said:


> i agree with this comment, i miss the woman she was,... i just want her to hurt for the **** she ut me through, sounds petty, but i want to to feel what i had to deal with for the last 6 months, and these last few weeks. as for filing ill be doing that ina week ina half, i need to leave o im takinga crusie to mexico...need some me time, but when i get back ill be starting the process.
> 
> for those of you who have filed , and gone through the paperwork, will there be a mediator at any point? as for asset if there disagreements whats happens from that point of view.


As bad as my EW was with her affair and how she treated me, we settled on most everything between each other and between our lawyers, nothing went to mediation, that would have extended things. I had an amazing lawyer and she had so many things taken care of before they even came up or were an issue, like preemptive judgements, orders, etc. Basically EW and I agreed between each other on banking/savings accounts and bills, I paid her half equity in the house, i had to pay her money out of retirement to balance our totals and she ended up having to pay a few peanuts in child support. 

If we hadn't settled, after our divorce hearing we would have had to go back to court for as long as it would take and many times as it would take for 'settlement hearings'. It never came to that. Everything was pretty much done before we even set foot in the courtroom and once we did it was for the final hearing that lasted 15 minutes and it was all over.


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## Taxman

Get the divorce done then rat them both out to the school board. Make sure she is blacklisted as a preschool teacher. Sir, to be frank this is one great big gaslight. She got a lot of your stuff, make sure she gets nothing more. Rat her out to family and friends after the divorce is final. A client did not want to get his hands dirty on the OM, his brother and 20 of his friends “convinced” OM that it would be in his best interest to break up with the WW, and leave town. My client did not his wife back, he just wanted her to beg him, so he could say no. Did one hell of a number on her. Everything she had was taken away.


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## Bestofme

Taxman said:


> Get the divorce done then rat them both out to the school board. Make sure she is blacklisted as a preschool teacher. Sir, to be frank this is one great big gaslight. She got a lot of your stuff, make sure she gets nothing more. Rat her out to family and friends after the divorce is final. A client did not want to get his hands dirty on the OM, his brother and 20 of his friends “convinced” OM that it would be in his best interest to break up with the WW, and leave town. My client did not his wife back, he just wanted her to beg him, so he could say no. Did one hell of a number on her. Everything she had was taken away.


the crazy thing about this... per my boss i have to write am email to the school she works at because i had an internship program that was tied to their school. We provided college students to do an internship there. Since this went down i can no longer go to the school and have to email the principal to explain why.... my wife is freaked about it. other crazy fact is i had that principals son for one of my college classes.... she knows me and thanked me for helping her son out...guess thats what happens when you dont think of the bigger picture when make stupid choices....


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## VermiciousKnid

Your wife is a horrible human being. Please don't try and keep this train wreck in your life. Trust my, my man, there are some damn good women in this world. Your wife is not one of them. Get to a lawyer right away and protect yourself.


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## VermiciousKnid

Bestofme said:


> i live in California, so considering that the start isa no-fault state, i do not know what type of leverage i cant get from the photos. I don't even want to look at them, i had nightmares from those damn things, and how she treated me.


The leverage is she agrees to YOUR divorce conditions or you expose everything. It has nothing to do with the no-fault situation in the law. It's her wanting to keep her cheating a secret. That's very powerful leverage. It was also good that you reported her threats of filing false accusations against you. Make sure to detail those threats and share them with your lawyer.


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## Bestofme

VermiciousKnid said:


> The leverage is she agrees to YOUR divorce conditions or you expose everything. It has nothing to do with the no-fault situation in the law. It's her wanting to keep her cheating a secret. That's very powerful leverage. It was also good that you reported her threats of filing false accusations against you. Make sure to detail those threats and share them with your lawyer.




makes sense consdiering she is more worried about her job, rather than people she been hurting.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Bestofme said:


> no kids sadly, her emy question w*hy hasnt she filed*? after all this time if she was so unhappy i figured she would have.... i askd her last night if she filed, and she tells me its in the works??? as for the divorce process how is that going to play out? i know once i file she will be served,* its the asset part that im dreading*, this woman fought over disney movies during her moving out....*oh she left her wedding dress, can i get rid of it?*


1) Assume whatever she says is a lie. She is a cheater. She cheated on you and has been lying to you from the beginning. Anything that comes out of her mouth is a lie. The woman you married has been replaced by a lying idiot. File yourself tomorrow.

2) Assets can be regained. Be grateful you never had children with her and that you are young enough to start over with a loyal women. She was not. Stay strong. 

3) Save the dress. When the divorce is finalized mail the wedding dress to her parents. I'm sure they paid for it. If not who cares. Along with the dress send them proof of the affair along with a note saying it saddens you it had to happen this way but the marriage had to be dissolved because their daughter is an cheater.


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## Kamstel

I get the fact that you still love her, but I hate to tell you, your marriage is over.

If you really stop and think about it, is this the type person you want to be married to?

My suggestion is you contact a lawyer, because you’re going to need one very soon anyway, and you file first.

Also, no matter what happens, you protect those photos.

Send them to close friends, and create a secret Gmail account and send it to that account as well.

You are going through hell right now, and you have a ways to go to get out of it. You could either do it as quickly as possible, or you can take the more painful road and have it dragged out.

I think you need to file.

And if she’s playing any games whatsoever, the day you get the divorce decree, you send those photographs along with the reason for your divorce to the School‘s principal, superintendent, and HR department. Remind them that this scumbag has already been moved to three previous schools because he was having affairs with married women. Remind them that the scum bag has already violated their notating policy, and their failure to enforce their policy, may open them up to litigation.

I wish you nothing but the best of luck. Stay strong, and do what you know you must do.


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## Bestofme

so just a bit of an update....


soa little back ground...last friday me and the jaitor hada run in ata gas staion...as many of you may figured out we exhcnaged words...we were inthe store, but he didnt say a word, but once he got int ohis truck, he turned into superman with his window half way, and inside his truck....so weekend passes and we come to this week. monday and tuesday he has passed by my house and waved smiled and flipped me off past two days nothing... so this morning same thing turns around smiles, and waves....so i had alrady spoken with PD, and the consider this harassment. ...so the officer asked me for the guy number, if i dont get it from him then they will call my wife to get it...i ask her and im sure you guys/gals figured out that and well my wife gets mad at me and tells me that i do not own the street., and the itsa main streetn ad i need to stop being so egocentric, and parnoid that to think everyone passing by is looking at me..... so im debating on talking to this officer,(he knows the whole story) its one thing to pass by but its another to purposely wave and make gestures.... plus its antagonizing...so what do you all think?

no i have not texted her back nor will i, considering she called me a coward for not answering her phone calls, plus it be pointless considering she is all knowing.


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## jlg07

Don't wait for HER to file -- you need to get with an attorney NOW to find out about the process and what to expect. Get your financials in order, get your head around NOT being with her (the 180 will help you detach), and yes, realize who she REALLY is has nothing to do with the image you have of her in your head.
Expose this to the janitor's SO (be careful about it getting back to the school if your attorney doesn't want her losing her job yet) -- you can always expose AFTER she signs the papers....


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## Lostinthought61

So she will go our of her way to gas light you , blame shift you and protect the OM, why do you continue to put up with this crap...file already and move on with your life with out her.


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## jlg07

Bestofme said:


> so just a bit of an update....
> 
> 
> soa little back ground...last friday me and the jaitor hada run in ata gas staion...as many of you may figured out we exhcnaged words...we were inthe store, but he didnt say a word, but once he got int ohis truck, he turned into superman with his window half way, and inside his truck....so weekend passes and we come to this week. monday and tuesday he has passed by my house and waved smiled and flipped me off past two days nothing... so this morning same thing turns around smiles, and waves....so i had alrady spoken with PD, and the consider this harassment. ...so the officer asked me for the guy number, if i dont get it from him then they will call my wife to get it...i ask her and im sure you guys/gals figured out that and well my wife gets mad at me and tells me that i do not own the street., and the itsa main streetn ad i need to stop being so egocentric, and parnoid that to think everyone passing by is looking at me..... so im debating on talking to this officer,(he knows the whole story) its one thing to pass by but its another to purposely wave and make gestures.... plus its antagonizing...so what do you all think?
> 
> no i have not texted her back nor will i, considering she called me a coward for not answering her phone calls, plus it be pointless considering she is all knowing.


Let the police take care of getting his information (they may even go to the school to get it which should raise some eyebrows) -- you want this documented that he is doing this, and the police reports become the record. SINCE this guy is known to do this, and the school board must know about this if they move him around, then this could give you grounds to go after the school board for allowing this behavior (and would ultimately get him fired). No need to deal with your STBXW -- she's not worth the effort.


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## Bestofme

jlg07 said:


> Let the police take care of getting his information (they may even go to the school to get it which should raise some eyebrows) -- you want this documented that he is doing this, and the police reports become the record. SINCE this guy is known to do this, and the school board must know about this if they move him around, then this could give you grounds to go after the school board for allowing this behavior (and would ultimately get him fired). No need to deal with your STBXW -- she's not worth the effort.


police told me they can't really do anything without his cell number, wife wont give it to me.... plus i spokewith one officer about this issues for the past month so its been documented already, and ive called pd after what happened on friday. ill be talking to them today to notify that the guy what he did today....im not dealing with that crap.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Yup, she's baiting you. Do not react! You silence is your BEST weapon. She can't get you to react and she can't understand what you are doing in the interim. F-her.
Let her and toilet bowl biscuit boy spin in circles. I also agree that you need your attorney to go to the school board and give a CaD order....Usually just having a PC letterhead given to the principle will send the appropriate message.

BTW...Can you get your hands on an Employee handbook? Rules and Regs thing.... What does IT say about fraternization policy or romance between co-workers?


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## jlg07

Tell your wife that if she doesn't text you his phone number, you will have to call your friend the principal to get it and explain why......


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## Bestofme

funny thing is yes i can... i use to work at the district level myself.... and its a very strict no dating policy, and she knows it only makes it worse that she was married, and is on probation


to make matters worse i have relations with people at district level due to what i due witha local college.... i know not cleaing toilets but hey its a job...


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## Bestofme

jlg07 said:


> Tell your wife that if she doesn't text you his phone number, you will have to call your friend the principal to get it and explain why......


officer said if she doesn't give it to me, he will call her and ask him herslef, this idiot is obviously agonizing, lus i should the officer the pictures of them at the park, people don't like cheaters.

as for texting her back hello no, yes she is trying to bait me, but i have the background with the issues that have been going on...


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## jlg07

Good -- then let the cop call her and ask -- otherwise a C&D to the school district will be forthcoming...


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## Bestofme

jlg07 said:


> Good -- then let the cop call her and ask -- otherwise a C&D to the school district will be forthcoming...


if any of this helps i know the assistant sup personally i play softball with him....


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## BarbedFenceRider

Look, just so we are all on agreement. I HAVE NO beef with professions of others. And the ability to keep a job. No matter what it is. Even a janitor. To be honest, one of the cafeteria workers in my daughter's school is a good friend from TaeKwonDo lessons and is freakin' hot. She is a good lady and a wonderful mother to very successful and happy children. So, I don't dare knock professions. But when the WW accused OP of not having STANDARDS AND GOALS...I just had to throw a bone at him....

I always had a way with my mouth...Sometimes it got me in trouble, other times it kept me out of trouble. Usually as a weapon, the other party just sits and cries. lol

"Stupid, bubble gum scraping, toilet licking, floor wiping, cradle robber, poser"..... Sorry, had to.


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## BluesPower

@Bestofme, I am sorry for what you are going through, I really am. 

Now I want to lay some hard stuff on you, and it is for your own good. 

You are being a puss about this entire situation. Further, I bet if the janitor dumped her and she came crawling back you would take her back. 

You have been a DOORMAT through this entire ordeal and you are still being one. You are showing weakness at every turn. 

Do you realize that women despise weakness in a man more than anything, if you had cheated but were not such a weak man, you would have a better chance of getting her back. That fact that you, even in the back of your mind, think of that makes you weak. 

You work in education and you probably developed all of your beta male traits so you could get along with all the women that you work with, and basically you have been trained to be a puss. 

And look I mean no disrespect, but you have to understand what is going on. Why everyone has not said this before me is astounding because it is so obvious. 

So understand this, stop acting this way, learn from this experience and FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW. Get this woman out of your life, and learn how to man up a little.

She got bored with you, lost attractions and the HOT, HUNG, NEANDERTHAL GOT HER JUCIES FLOWING. You we a "NICE" husband but women get tired of nice. They take advantage of nice, and they don't respect nice, never have never will. 

Now find your balls, wherever your wife put them, reattach them and file for divorce...


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## BarbedFenceRider

^^^^2x4 therapy. Don't worry, I got it too awhile back.


" I have lost 50 pounds since December going from 203 to 158." ---Good news, you got the weight thing under control. Now go lift and get some testosterone back in ya! You need to get the ball rolling and get out of infidelity. She's not your wife anymore, that one is gone. The harpy that is there now is set upon your destruction. 

Get to a lawyer and get it started. They have PLENTY of experience in dealing with this kinda crap. You don't need to suffer anymore.


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## Taxman

She is scared to death that all of this will come out and destroy her career. Wait until all of the financials are in place and engraved in stone and then take your pound of flesh. I have instructed clients at all times to get the best possible financial settlement, and then to interfere with their worlds. I had one guy who was deathly afraid that his wife would quit her job during the divorce in order to hamstring him into higher spousal support. There were not kids involved and the AP was a married man supporting his family. We waited until everything was absolutely court ordered and signed off. The one thing that was missed was the non-disclosure. A day after the decree, we gathered in my office. He wanted them paid back to the nth degree. He would not be paying spousal support, as she was a teacher, and made decent money. The AP was a vice principal, and really stood to lose. At nine AM, the call was made to the principal of the school. He was told to deal with it, or the board would be informed. At 9:30 my client's cell phone went off. It was one long scream. He heard that he had fûcked her up beyond belief. She was terminated for cause. This would follow her to every job. She could no longer work as a teacher. Then, not two minutes into the conversation, her AP was heard screaming at her. Then a slap. Apparently the AP slapped her. All that we heard on the phone was, "bastards....couldn't leave it be...what the f' am I going to do now". My client actually giggled. He told her to do what she did best, sell her ass on street corners. He said in the calmest of calm voices, totally bloodlessly, "You hurt me. I warned you never to do that. You know what I am like, now, you pay. I am overjoyed that you wasted four years getting a teaching certificate that is only good for toilet paper now. Your boyfriend is welcome too. His actions have now ended his career. He will never work in education again. Have fun on the loading dock." All he heard til we cut off the phone were frustrated screams.


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## Marc878

So far all you've done is talk and take what she and her boyfriend have been giving you.

That is Mr Nice Guy doormatish behavior. 

Until you act nothing changes. You keep spouting off about 16 years. They are a sunk cost and meaningless now.

You keep wanting her to "get it" but you are the one who doesn't "get it". This is who she is you just don't want to believe it.

The only one keeping yourself in this is you.

See an attorney


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## Rob_1

OP you has done nothing but talk crap/complain too much and no actions.

Classic weak beta guy afraid of moving on, so he remains paralyzed in inaction.

My take is that you won't do a thing until your soon to be ex has you by the balls legally, by then it will be too little too late.

Hope I'm wrong.


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## Bestofme

took a few days away to go on a cruise.... and well i come back to answer those question...

yes 16 years ive been devasted, and yes within this last few months i did become the doormat, i tried to be the good husband, make the changes i need for myself, it hasn't been an easy transition considering everything that's happened and fter the last few days gone... i realize yes i was a doormat, and yes ive been way to nice to a woman who was unappreciative.

so as of today.... i will be contacting a layer, and getting the ball rolling, i do not plan to play nice with any of this, and when it comes to the assets... as for her job considering that i had a partnership with the school she works at i will be sending an email to the principal in regards breaking the partnership with the college i work with, and this will include contact with people at the DO level as well.... will this process be easy no i don't expect it too, but based on a lot of what you wrote... im tired of being that nice guy...i guess i want me piece of flesh now. 

but i knw its not going o be easy, like most she became this selfish *****, who after all this years wanted to get married, but when it came down to it was too lazy to put the work into making it work.


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## Bestofme

just thought id ask what is a good retainer for a lawyer? good average price? people for California does the process really take 6 months? how long does it normally take for her to be served, or if she hasn't already process take how long till she serves me, and it shows up on the court website? i am not sure if they.


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## SentHereForAReason

Not Cali but for Michigan where the process is a standard 6 Months w/kids.

- 3K is the standard retainer for any lawyer
- Takes 5-7 days from filing to get served, has to be served by an official process server, takes that long usually because of the paperwork getting done and finding availability of server
- Even though process is a standard 6 months, could be longer and usually is because of court dates, settlements, etc. When it was all said and done my EW and I didn't have any court disputes and it still took an extra month because of the availability of both lawyers making it on the same day and for the judge/court to have openings as well


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## BruceBanner

Your wife claims you have no life goals or motivation for life yet tries to hook up with a janitor? :|


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## Bestofme

soa few updates, i consulted with a lawyer, and the ball is rolling ....now outside of dealing with not just the nightmares at night when i sleep due to the affair, but I'm also dealing with panic attacks and anxiety.... so just a bit of an update....my wonderful wife in all here glory decides to text me, which only made me angrier, due to being manipulative and still not taking the blame....but of course I've saved them here idea of what a confession is..... for your pleasure.....

so she sends me....

*the truth is im starting to believe all the crap you are spewing...you are tell me you and NOT ME is the one whom understands what marriage takes obviously that is not the case i wouldn't have come to the conclusion out of the blue... i no longer want to be in this marriage is not becuase i dont know what i takes or im a quitter....*

*we did not havea partner ship*( bull**** considering i brought in th income, took care of her when she was sick or after surgery, pretty much took car of her).

*i wanted a family*( once again we had a plan for this but after two suriges between the two of us anda job loss made it diffcult)

*constant rejection*( sex was an issues with us, and it was also addresed in IC on my part due to intmacy issues, from past occurances. i heard her concerns and did somthing about it, chose to make chanes in myself and within the marriage. any emotional issues i would address them with her , but only get defensiveness, and rug sweeping, when there were issues tat need to be addressed..such as her needing to stop holding gruges.)

*gaming addiction*( i destroyed the computer, and sought out IC which ive been in for overa year, i was dealing with isseus with depression, and my way of coping was withdrawing, so video games was my outlet,, i avoid issues at home, and with myself...so issues with commuication,and being a partner arouse.... how i can i fully love someone else when i cant love myself...i need her support and she " check out")

*you kept a major family secret*/ Secret bank account( i had been abused as a child.. finally got the nerve to tell her which ralted to my lack of intamcy, and she got mad at me for it, told her how diffcult it was to tell here, and IC helped me get to I'veoint to shre with her. As for bank account before we got married i told her hey i saved all my FA money from college 40k we should get joint account ans save... she says no due to seperate accounts... 4 years passes i reminded her again, she tells me i never shared anything with her, and why is it she had to pay the water bill, gas bill, and electric...all the while i took care of house rent, 3 student loands, and any credit care we had.. i still took care of the house hold)

*ive fallen out of love with you*( up until here late night at work became more prevlent she was still saying she loves me and showing it through differant ways until she moved out in June)

*you had no patience for me*( so these last 7 monthsi stood by here didnt show patience or beinga doormat enough? trying to work on out marriage while you having an EA isnt patience)

*you threated me with divorce*( wtf was i suppose to do when you having an EA with janitor at work)

*empty words and broken promisies*...( i kept my vows, i wasnt perfect, but coming from a cheater thats golden)

i knew as a husbandi had issues we all do....but last year i made the choice to make changes as a husband...i was tired of what i was and did somthing about it... but it did not include finding somelse to handle my needs, but more handleing my **** at home...

so her text continues.....
*
youve told me i need to humble myself, and own up to my part and take responsibility...well ok i have no problem taking owndership of what i did asa result of yur issues i....

i began to distance myself from you
began staying away from home
began getting very angry
not using tactful forms of communication
stopped listening
and on....

so all this proves is that we both took part in making this what it is and still coming to the same conclusion that i no longer want to be in this unhealthy unproductive relationship....*

she ends with....

* just know im fine, im fine being on my own. i dont need anybody/man but my family and friends for support. id rather be by myself than unhappy in this ridiculous situation..*

so correction she did not admit to her cheating based on what i wrote....yea she isa WW, and its obvious like most affairs she is caught up in her fantasy or her fog, it makes me mad that she can act perfectly fine with what she has done to ou,r marriage, and me. she has shown no resmores, and still she has yet to take ownership for her cheating or even shown remorse for anything really....so lawyer been talked too, email to her boss, due to my boss telling its what i need to do , due to partnership been school will be sent today. i understand that reconciliation happens, but i am tired of the crap that ive been feeling due to her actions... ive grown tired of being her doormat, she has threaten my job 4 times already, accused me of not giving her the rest of her items even though she moved out( she fought for a waffle maker) , got made because i changed the locks, , and mad that i spoke with her mother about her cheating...im starting to see how immature my wife is, and i can only hope that she understands that she lost her family due to her not being able to handle her issues, which even the MC suggested she see IC for... but she declined..... funny hing been told noumerous times they always come crawling back when the see what they lost... morethan anything i hope she see that she scrwed good husband.


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## SentHereForAReason

I know it's tough man and although it sounds like you have cut through the BS to see what she is really saying and doing, there will be times where you still 2nd guess yourself. 

All marriages have issues and the marriages that have two willing people are the ones that are worth saving, so when issues do arise, you deal with them, work on them and get better together. The weaker ones, the ones just don't have it in them for commitment and what love really means, take the easy way out.

I applaud you for acknowledging what you felt was your problems were and even more so how you addressed them and was willing to work with your WW to address hers but again, the issue isn't with what occured in the marriage anymore, it's what's occurring inside of her. 90% of what you wrote her, many of us have seen word for word.

I hate divorce, I hate when people give up but when there's not choice, when you have only been given one option, sometimes you have to do what you hate, in order to get to something you may love again ... ie: your life, a new partner, a new hobby, etc


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> soa few updates, i consulted with a lawyer, and the ball is rolling ....now outside of dealing with not just the nightmares at night when i sleep due to the affair, but I'm also dealing with panic attacks and anxiety.... so just a bit of an update....my wonderful wife in all here glory decides to text me, which only made me angrier, due to being manipulative and still not taking the blame....but of course I've saved them here idea of what a confession is..... for your pleasure.....
> 
> so she sends me....
> 
> *the truth is im starting to believe all the crap you are spewing...you are tell me you and NOT ME is the one whom understands what marriage takes obviously that is not the case i wouldn't have come to the conclusion out of the blue... i no longer want to be in this marriage is not becuase i dont know what i takes or im a quitter....*
> 
> *we did not havea partner ship*( bull**** considering i brought in th income, took care of her when she was sick or after surgery, pretty much took car of her).
> 
> *i wanted a family*( once again we had a plan for this but after two suriges between the two of us anda job loss made it diffcult)
> 
> *constant rejection*( sex was an issues with us, and it was also addresed in IC on my part due to intmacy issues, from past occurances. i heard her concerns and did somthing about it, chose to make chanes in myself and within the marriage. any emotional issues i would address them with her , but only get defensiveness, and rug sweeping, when there were issues tat need to be addressed..such as her needing to stop holding gruges.)
> 
> *gaming addiction*( i destroyed the computer, and sought out IC which ive been in for overa year)
> 
> *you kept a major family secret*/ Secret bank account( i had been abused as a child.. finally got the nerve to tell her which ralted to my lack of intamcy, and she got mad at me for it, told her how diffcult it was to tell here, and IC helped me get to I'veoint to shre with her. As for bank account before we got married i told her hey i saved all my FA money from college 40k we should get joint account ans save... she says no due to seperate accounts... 4 years passes i reminded her again, she tells me i never shared anything with her, and why is it she had to pay the water bill, gas bill, and electric...all the while i took care of house rent, 3 student loands, and any credit care we had.. i still took care of the house hold)
> 
> *ive fallen out of love with you*( up until here late night at work became more prevlent she was still saying she loves me and showing it through differant ways until she moved out in June)
> 
> *you had no patience for me*( so these last 7 monthsi stood by here didnt show patience or beinga doormat enough? trying to work on out marriage while you having an EA isnt patience)
> 
> *you threated me with divorce*( wtf was i suppose to do when you having an EA with janitor at work)
> 
> *empty words and broken promisies*...( i kept my vows, i wasnt perfect, but coming from a cheater thats golden)
> 
> i knew as a husbandi had issues we all do....but last year i made the choice to make changes as a husband...i was tired of what i was and did somthing about it... but it did not include finding somelse to handle my needs, but more handleing my **** at home...
> 
> so her text continues.....
> *
> youve told me i need to humble myself, and own up to my part and take responsibility...well ok i have no problem taking owndership of what i did asa result of yur issues i....
> 
> i began to distance myself from you
> began staying away from home
> began getting very angry
> not using tactful forms of communication
> stopped listening
> and on....
> 
> so all this proves is that we both took part in making this what it is and still coming to the same conclusion that i no longer want to be in this unhealthy unproductive relationship....*
> 
> she ends with....
> 
> * just know im fine, im fine being on my own. i dont need anybody/man but my family and friends for support. id rather be by myself than unhappy in this ridiculous situation..*
> 
> so correction she did not admit to her cheating based on what i wrote....yea she isa WW, and its obvious like most affairs she is caught up in her fantasy or her fog, it makes me mad that she can act perfectly fine with what she has done to ou,r marriage, and me. she has shown no resmores, and still she has yet to take ownership for her cheating or even shown remorse for anything really....so lawyer been talked too, email to her boss, due to my boss telling its what i need to do , due to partnership been school will be sent today. i understand that reconciliation happens, but i am tired of the crap that ive been feeling due to her actions... ive grown tired of being her doormat, she has threaten my job 4 times already, accused me of not giving her the rest of her items even though she moved out( she fought for a waffle maker) , got made because i changed the locks, , and mad that i spoke with her mother about her cheating...im starting to see how immature my wife is, and i can only hope that she understands that she lost her family due to her not being able to handle her issues, which even the MC suggested she see IC for... but she declined..... funny hing been told noumerous times they always come crawling back when the see what they lost... morethan anything i hope she see that she scrwed good husband.


As horribly difficult as that was to read, I would like for you to respond to a couple of questions if you do not mind. 

1) You do understand that she is sleeping with the janitor, right? I mean I think you need to realize that in order for you to move on with your life. 

2) You do understand that she is in fact bat s**t crazy right? And everything that she says is coming from a woman that is crazy. I hope you actually understand that.

3) You do understand, no matter how hard it is to realize this, that she never and I mean never really loved you, Right? 

4) And lastly, understand that everything she is saying is either an outright lie or just rewriting the marital history so she can live in her la la land and feel good about herself...

Brother, the sooner this woman is completely out of your life, you will be better off, by like a mile...


----------



## 3Xnocharm

She may very well have some valid, substantiated points about the marriage in these texts, HOWEVER.. she is not truly owning what she has been doing. No matter what issues the two of you had within the marriage, she was 100% WRONG to seek out and be with another man. She made that choice, and no amount of blameshifting on her part is going to change the fact of what she did. There is no remorse here, there is no accepting responsibility, no accountability. If she wanted divorce, then that's what she should have done, period. 

You cant get away from her fast enough.


----------



## Ra3a369

I think you’re still having a hard time accepting all of this. You seem to put a lot of energy into still talking to her. I’m not pro divorce myself, but i learned the hard way it takes 2 people to be married. I would urge you to keep working on yourself and focusing on that. 

Be a better man mentally, physically, spiritually, etc. once you can look in the mirror and say to yourself that you respect the man looking back at you then you will be fine. I’ve been where you are, i accepted it, i worked on myself, and you wouldn’t believe the doors it opened for me. She’s not the only woman in the world for you and you will likely find another woman who is much more attractive, caring, driven, etc. There are plenty out there waiting. 

Stop talking to her. Hard NC and 180 and i guarantee you after a couple weeks of struggling through that you will be in a much better place. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sunsetmist

@ Bestofme

You have been given excellent advice by folks who have been there. Venting here is a good thing, but try to let go of as much hurt as you can. It is too late, your marriage/dream is lost. 

Don't dwell on the changes you have made trying to be the person she wants. Most changes will be beneficial to you anyway. Realize you could never do/be enough for your STBX. She has chosen a 'man' who acts like a 16 year old. There is nothing to be gained by trying to figure out why.

Become the person you wish to be and be proud of that--no excuses necessary.


----------



## Tron

That is all a bunch of typical blame-shifting baloney. 


Quick response:

"Let's just cut out all the bull****. 

You are cheating on me and F'ing another man. That is all that I need to know. 

I deserve better and am happy to let you ride off into the sunset with your janitor lover. 

So the only thing left to discuss is the kids and how to get this divorce over with as quickly and cheaply as possible. Please keep your texts and emails to that because everything else will be ignored." 

Then follow through.


----------



## Bestofme

BluesPower said:


> As horribly difficult as that was to read, I would like for you to respond to a couple of questions if you do not mind.
> 
> *1) You do understand that she is sleeping with the janitor, right? I mean I think you need to realize that in order for you to move on with your life.
> 
> As much as i wish it wasn't true, im sure it is, as for moving on its been a slow process, but considering this type of situation happened when we were first dating, funny thing then she wanted to get married, now she wants to have a family....this janitor is going to play her like a fiddle.... it was a lot harder earlier on, but im trying to stay away from gathering more details about all of it, due to me feeling likea fool when i think back to how she acted with me while she was at home. but moving forward is the hard part of all of this, i have a consultation with a savage layer coming up, also cleaned house which took two days, and moved everything...she did not clean for 6 months....
> 
> 2) You do understand that she is in fact bat s**t crazy right? And everything that she says is coming from a woman that is crazy. I hope you actually understand that.
> 
> crazy as in she is willing to cuss at me in a parking lot, or crazy as in she has yet to think she has done nothing wrong? she has turned intoa calloues, selfish person....who i think has a personality disorder but, but the woman that i once married did get replaced by this monster, and its kinda sad. even still she trie to hold pwoer of me in regards to the threats she makes or the fantasy she is living.
> 
> 3) You do understand, no matter how hard it is to realize this, that she never and I mean never really loved you, Right?
> the last 6 months yea i saw that, prior to that she was a great woman, but funny what happens when you leta third party make you think life is perfect. she has always been the type to run from tough situations...16 years she never process the abuse she had at home, and always founda way when things got hard looks for the easy way out instead of putting in the work....funny thing i was the hesitant one in getting married due to past occurrences, and in the end i was the one who fought for it.
> 
> 4) And lastly, understand that everything she is saying is either an outright lie or just rewriting the marital history so she can live in her la la land and feel good about herself...*
> 
> yea...she has always played the victim role when it came to things happening with her, makes sense why she is twisting what is happening, and explains why she wants the pictures deleted as soon as possible....she asked me for my cell phone...but i understand that la la land will eventually crash down on her, when true colors start coming out
> 
> Brother, the sooner this woman is completely out of your life, you will be better off, by like a mile...


----------



## Bestofme

BluesPower said:


> As horribly difficult as that was to read, I would like for you to respond to a couple of questions if you do not mind.
> 
> 1) You do understand that she is sleeping with the janitor, right? I mean I think you need to realize that in order for you to move on with your life.
> 
> 2) You do understand that she is in fact bat s**t crazy right? And everything that she says is coming from a woman that is crazy. I hope you actually understand that.
> 
> 3) You do understand, no matter how hard it is to realize this, that she never and I mean never really loved you, Right?
> 
> 4) And lastly, understand that everything she is saying is either an outright lie or just rewriting the marital history so she can live in her la la land and feel good about herself...
> 
> Brother, the sooner this woman is completely out of your life, you will be better off, by like a mile...





so to answer you questions.....

1) You do understand that she is sleeping with the janitor, right? I mean I think you need to realize that in order for you to move on with your life. 3

hurts to admit, but yes i would have no doubt she would have already...about 10 years ago when we were dating she pulled almost the same story... she wanted to get married i wasn't ready, so a co-worker told her all the right things.. she engaged with the guy after 6 months, while we had been together for about 3 years already... short story she came back when the honeymoon was over.... but as for moving on its a day by day process, i have my rough days, i have my angry days....but i try to advoid finding out any mroe details... but i did learn the guy really does live with his paretns, which only upset me more, but hey it say a lot about her boundaries, and the willingness to reach to the bottom of the barrel....

2) You do understand that she is in fact bat s**t crazy right? And everything that she says is coming from a woman that is crazy. I hope you actually understand that.

crazy in terms of she thinks the world resolves around her? crazy that she some how forgot how she was cussing at me in front ofa ATT? crazy that she has yet to take any responability or accountability for the things she is doing? yea sadly she wasnt always like this... but i think she started to get depressed this past 6 months, knew the crap she was doing wasnt right, and broke down mentaility becuase of it, and justifited everything she done, but he refuse to think work on the issues wie had on our marriage.... i remeber her saying the person you were once before deserved how im acting not the guy you are now....so yes mentaly i do believe she is twisted now.

3) You do understand, no matter how hard it is to realize this, that she never and I mean never really loved you, Right? 

as for love this owman did anything for me, she honeslty loved me....but now that third party was invloed that love wasnt the same, i mounr the woman i married not the monter she has now become.... i understand that love is a choice, and she has chosen to makea mess of this marriage despite her saying otherwise....i just pray that she opens her eyes on days, ad grows up to understand she needs to grow asa person, but as far as im concerned how can she love me, when she doesnt love herlsef....

4) And lastly, understand that everything she is saying is either an outright lie or just rewriting the marital history so she can live in her la la land and feel good about herself...

oh i am well aware of the fact that she is twisting this to make herself seem that she is the poor wife, whose husband had issues, and she need to go cheat to justifiy what she wasnt getting in our marriage....but wait she is trying to be hush about her cheating... she got made becuase i talked to her parents, made that i told my family....her concern was her imagination, her name, and her job....sad thing is what will happne when all this comes crashing down... consdiering she hasn't filed for divorce, and still thinks she done nothing wrong...all lies catch up to you, this whole situation has shown me that she was never ready to be married... all the issues listed are so common within a marriage, that will go communication, they can be fixed.... funny thing i was the one who was always hestiant about getting married, and now im the one who fought for it, or didnt go cheat as an excuse... i just wonder with WW if the ever become human again, and start to take respobility or accountability, and even remorse for how bad they scrwed up? but as of now i know she is rug sweeping all of this( which is common within her family) everything she has done....


----------



## Luminous

The OM is 'taking out the trash'.

Not your gig anymore. Down the track you will realise he has done you a huge favour.


----------



## Kamstel

Just checking in on you.

How are you doing?


----------



## arbitrator

*Late to the party here, but I'm in agreement here with those who think that your dear wife has been rather busy "swapping fluids" with the janitor!

"180" her, get into intensive individual counseling, and get yourself to a good family attorney's office and file, and let the janitor help you with taking out the trash!*


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## Decorum

BOM, hope you are reading other threads here.

Everything, and I mean everything she is saying and doing is according to a script that is rehearsed here over and over again.

All your floundering, and bewilderment, practically everyone here has been through it.

You dont even recognize the "thing" she has become.

Until you find your nuts you will make some mistakes, but I think the man that came back from the cruise has what it takes.

STOP engaging with her, email only or preferably through the lawyers.

Dont play with crazy!

Have a voice activated recorder on yourself, she may well make false accusations.

Ignore the other man completely. Not your monkeys, not you circus. You did not marry him.

Steel yourself, you will get through this. You will become a better man, and a better more discerning partner.


----------



## Stormguy2018

Get your own attorney and file ASAP. This woman is a toxic nightmare.


----------



## Bestofme

an update....

let me set the scene.... wife texts me hey i need to see you, we need t talk about us... im hesitant but was curious what the hell was going on first mistake thinking with my heart and nt my brain.... so we meet at a starbucks and she has her sister there with her... ask sister to leave, and she say no ill stay.... i had called my cousin to be my witness considering she brought her sister every other time...

so jump to the part i hate... my attorney appointment consultation is set for Wednesday... so my wife went to the court and filed.... we spoke prior to and once again it was all blame shifting... a lot of i tried to make our marriage owrk....her cheating according to her was to try and get my attention, which she was mad, and was sorry she went about it the wrong way, she learned a lot bout the janitor such as his past drug addiction, reason he was 38 and living in his parents garage..... she felt she did not need counseling herself....but she had no intentions of want ting to work marriage out...that we had done too many things....i just tell her she was never ready for marriage... that when i needed her the most , she turned her back on me... that through on own IC i learned i had issues within myself that i needed to work on and she choose the easy way out instead of putting in the work.

her idea which she had in her brain was hey on sept 26 with have an appointment for mediation... all you need to do is attend and sign the papers, you can bring who you want, ill have my sister with me....bring who ou want...so ill text u the date so u can be there to sign....as we end the conversation we both stand up and her sister throws the papers at me.... i shortly tell her laywer up,and she brakes downs and panics...no no we dont need lawyers, we just need to meet on the date, there no need for this...this isnt how its suppose to work out... at that moment im heart broken yes, but im angry as hell...i told her if you were done you should have ended it a long time ago, rather than use drag me along so that you could have your cake and eat it too... fora 38 old janitor who lives with his mother garabge, and was an ex drug addict.... i told her was it that hard that you could not have worked on our marriage....three MC session isnt working on anything...

so her sister helps her outside, and my cousin who was my witness helps me... i turn around and watch her throw up while going to her car, part of me wanted to go and counsol her....but my cousin pushed me to her car..... so im heartbroken yes...yet ive had these feeling since the moment she moved out...she gets up set at me for calling her calloues, selfish...it was sad that even within the moment she could not take full ownership for what she had done...it was upsetting to hear her tell me she cares about me that sh is upset that she feels her name is being dragged through the mud at work abd blames me......she really does, yet had the nerve to cheat on me with the janitor... yea a lot fo what people have wrote her has been right she is immature and toxic...

so looking at the paperwork...she filled paperwork out herself...lot of the assets are listed as unknown in total... she ut her car as seperate prperty, yet her papers sold it to use, and she made payments towards it while we were married...she says she didnt want anything yet listed my retirement...my bank account, she had no clue of any of her finical items due to me being the one who took care of everything, she overestimated on the couches we have... so tommorw i have my appointment with my laywer... i dont think my wife can afford one herself, but i gota real ***** ina good way as a laywer...

so for those of you who been through this ****... jus how much fun im i going to have moving foward, i heard divorce is hell... will i have to meet with her in court? i consider mediation but the moment she said her sister wil be ther i said no considering her sister runs her family...as for tbeing served was it even right that i got served in front of my wife... papers were given to me they were thrown onthe table.? so what now on my paper other than meeting with my laywer? all i know is the moment i said layer she freaked out bad, got into panic...


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> an update....
> 
> let me set the scene.... wife texts me hey i need to see you, we need t talk about us... im hesitant but was curious what the hell was going on first mistake thinking with my heart and nt my brain.... so we meet at a starbucks and she has her sister there with her... ask sister to leave, and she say no ill stay.... i had called my cousin to be my witness considering she brought her sister every other time...
> 
> so jump to the part i hate... my attorney appointment consultation is set for Wednesday... so my wife went to the court and filed.... we spoke prior to and once again it was all blame shifting... a lot of i tried to make our marriage owrk....her cheating according to her was to try and get my attention, which she was mad, and was sorry she went about it the wrong way, she learned a lot bout the janitor such as his past drug addiction, reason he was 38 and living in his parents garage..... she felt she did not need counseling herself....but she had no intentions of want ting to work marriage out...that we had done too many things....i just tell her she was never ready for marriage... that when i needed her the most , she turned her back on me... that through on own IC i learned i had issues within myself that i needed to work on and she choose the easy way out instead of putting in the work.
> 
> her idea which she had in her brain was hey on sept 26 with have an appointment for mediation... all you need to do is attend and sign the papers, you can bring who you want, ill have my sister with me....bring who ou want...so ill text u the date so u can be there to sign....as we end the conversation we both stand up and her sister throws the papers at me.... i shortly tell her laywer up,and she brakes downs and panics...no no we dont need lawyers, we just need to meet on the date, there no need for this...this isnt how its suppose to work out... at that moment im heart broken yes, but im angry as hell...i told her if you were done you should have ended it a long time ago, rather than use drag me along so that you could have your cake and eat it too... fora 38 old janitor who lives with his mother garabge, and was an ex drug addict.... i told her was it that hard that you could not have worked on our marriage....three MC session isnt working on anything...
> 
> so her sister helps her outside, and my cousin who was my witness helps me... i turn around and watch her throw up while going to her car, part of me wanted to go and counsol her....but my cousin pushed me to her car..... so im heartbroken yes...yet ive had these feeling since the moment she moved out...she gets up set at me for calling her calloues, selfish...it was sad that even within the moment she could not take full ownership for what she had done...it was upsetting to hear her tell me she cares about me that sh is upset that she feels her name is being dragged through the mud at work abd blames me......she really does, yet had the nerve to cheat on me with the janitor... yea a lot fo what people have wrote her has been right she is immature and toxic...
> 
> so looking at the paperwork...she filled paperwork out herself...lot of the assets are listed as unknown in total... she ut her car as seperate prperty, yet her papers sold it to use, and she made payments towards it while we were married...she says she didnt want anything yet listed my retirement...my bank account, she had no clue of any of her finical items due to me being the one who took care of everything, she overestimated on the couches we have... so tommorw i have my appointment with my laywer... i dont think my wife can afford one herself, but i gota real ***** ina good way as a laywer...
> 
> so for those of you who been through this ****... jus how much fun im i going to have moving foward, i heard divorce is hell... will i have to meet with her in court? i consider mediation but the moment she said her sister wil be ther i said no considering her sister runs her family...as for tbeing served was it even right that i got served in front of my wife... papers were given to me they were thrown onthe table.? so what now on my paper other than meeting with my laywer? all i know is the moment i said layer she freaked out bad, got into panic...


Listen brother, we all know that you are hurting, and we understand. We also all told you your wife was a complete POS, and I think that you are starting to understand it. 

It does not matter how much your lawyer cost you, you need him/her and you need to take her to the cleaners and not give her one penny more than the courts will give her. Not one cent...


----------



## SentHereForAReason

"so for those of you who been through this ****... jus how much fun im i going to have moving foward, i heard divorce is hell... will i have to meet with her in court?"

I can only speak to my experience and hopefully you can draw some things from this as each situation is different, we have kids, etc.

When it comes down to it, the process of my divorce was easy. She wanted out and in a hurry so she could be 'free' to have a shot at being with her soulmate and hope that he leave his wife eventually, at the very least, if that didn't come through for her to live the life of a teenager searching out relationships to feed her insecurities. Because of that, the divorce process itself was pretty painless out side of her attitude and just plain deviousness from time to time. We eventually settled on 50/50 custody, I wanted more, the finances splitting up were easy and once I put the plan in place to give her half the equity in the house, it was moving right along. My emotions were fried and it all seemed so wrong but the process was coming along without a hitch.

So ... divorce as a process, was not Hell. What came before that was Hell. The discovery of the affair, the multiple D-Days, the re-writing of our entire marriage history, the blame-shifting, the lack of compassion and the straight up horrible way she treated me through all of this ... was Hell. That went on for about 7 months before the Divorce process even started. 

I get the sense that your STBXW is not the most of stable people, at least not right now and doesn't seem to have a lot of common sense or balance, so you may run into a lot of sh** she tries to throw your way but as long as you keep to the high road and keep you lawyer involved. The sh** she is throwing won't stick. What you went through before this, is the real Hell and the Divorce will actually start the first phase of the healing and moving on process for you. 

Take your time to deal with this all properly and don't make rash or rushed decisions but once you get better, on solid emotional footing and things are starting to feel somewhat right again. That's when you can work on finding new potential relationships. And once you move into that realm, if you took your time to heal before that, the sickest of sick feelings you are feeling now, will essentially seem like a distant memory. That's why it's important to not stay bitter or hang onto the anger too long, so you can remove your self from all of this and be ready for someone awesome out there that will give you awesome in return.


----------



## Bestofme

stillfightingforus said:


> "so for those of you who been through this ****... jus how much fun im i going to have moving foward, i heard divorce is hell... will i have to meet with her in court?"
> 
> I can only speak to my experience and hopefully you can draw some things from this as each situation is different, we have kids, etc.
> 
> When it comes down to it, the process of my divorce was easy. She wanted out and in a hurry so she could be 'free' to have a shot at being with her soulmate and hope that he leave his wife eventually, at the very least, if that didn't come through for her to live the life of a teenager searching out relationships to feed her insecurities. Because of that, the divorce process itself was pretty painless out side of her attitude and just plain deviousness from time to time. We eventually settled on 50/50 custody, I wanted more, the finances splitting up were easy and once I put the plan in place to give her half the equity in the house, it was moving right along. My emotions were friend and it all seemed so wrong but the process was coming along without a hitch.
> 
> So ... divorce as a process, was not Hell. What came before that was Hell. The discovery of the affair, the multiple D-Days, the re-writing of our entire marriage history, the blame-shifting, the lack of compassion and the straight up horrible way she treated me through all of this ... was Hell. That went on for about 7 months before the Divorce process even started.
> 
> I get the sense that your STBXW is not the most of stable people, at least not right now and doesn't seem to have a lot of common sense or balance, so you may run into a lot of sh** she tries to throw your way but as long as you keep to the high road and keep you lawyer involved. The sh** she is throwing won't stick. What you went through before this, is the real Hell and the Divorce will actually start the first phase of the healing and moving on process for you.
> 
> Take your time to deal with this all properly and don't make rash or rushed decisions but once you get better, on solid emotional footing and things are starting to feel somewhat right again. That's when you can work on finding new potential relationships. And once you move into that realm, if you took your time to heal before that, the sickest of sick feelings you are feeling now, will essentially seem like a distant memory. That's why it's important to not stay bitter or hang onto the anger too long, so you can remove your self from all of this and be ready for someone awesome out there that will give you awesome in return.



let me ask this.... her sister throwing serving me in front of my wife isnt that suppose to not happen? i mean she threw the papers on the table didnt give them to me.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Bestofme said:


> let me ask this.... her sister throwing serving me in front of my wife isnt that suppose to not happen? i mean she threw the papers on the table didnt give them to me.


A little confused here. Her sister took the papers that were served to her and threw them on the table in your direction? Or these were papers she was serving you? Regardless. If her sister is acting like this, this tells me she has about as much maturity as your STBXW.


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## 3Xnocharm

Bestofme said:


> let me ask this.... her sister throwing serving me in front of my wife isnt that suppose to not happen? i mean she threw the papers on the table didnt give them to me.


That is NOT being served... all that sounds like is some papers that she got and filled out with info herself. Papers would have come from an official, not your wife's sister. They don't mean a damn thing. Stick with your plan to get an attorney, and don't back down from that, your wife is an idiot.


----------



## Bestofme

stillfightingforus said:


> A little confused here. Her sister took the papers that were served to her and threw them on the table in your direction? Or these were papers she was serving you? Regardless. If her sister is acting like this, this tells me she has about as much maturity as your STBXW.




the moment i told her i would not do medation, she got up frantic and freaking out telling me no no this isnt the way, we dont have too.... then her sister grabbed a bag pulled out the divorce papers and threw them on the table that we at.... they weren't given to me, but my wife was right in front of me when they were thrown at the table...


----------



## Bestofme

3Xnocharm said:


> That is NOT being served... all that sounds like is some papers that she got and filled out with info herself. Papers would have come from an official, not your wife's sister. They don't mean a damn thing. Stick with your plan to get an attorney, and don't back down from that, your wife is an idiot.




as for the lawyer ill be meeting with one tomorrow. was suppose to be a consultation, but that has changed.... is it true that if i make more money than her she can get me to pay for her lawyer? and looking at the filed documents she doesnt pay anything living with her sister...yet im still paying for everything within our house....


----------



## Tron

Bestofme said:


> as for the lawyer ill be meeting with one tomorrow. was suppose to be a consultation, but that has changed.... is it true that if i make more money than her she can get me to pay for her lawyer? and looking at the filed documents she doesnt pay anything living with her sister...yet im still paying for everything within our house....


Talk to your lawyer, but money for both lawyers would normally come out of the community pot, and get taken into consideration during the split. If you aren't sharing accounts at this point, she will have to write a check to her lawyer, just like you will, out of your individual accounts. Another reason why if she doesn't get an attorney and represents herself, you both will save $. If she lets her sister "represent" her and lets your attorney handle all the legal work and the documents, things should go pretty easy for you.

Talk to your attorney about getting some temporary orders in place so she is forced to assist you financially with the kids and housing. She is still on the hook for that BTW.


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## Kamstel

Have you informed her school district about two employees looking up? Especially one that has been moved from school to school because he has slept with multiple married women?


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## Kamstel

Did you tell the school district that you were thinking about canceling the joint program?


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## Chaparral

Different states have different laws concerning divorce. Talk it all over with your lawyer. Write down a list of questions. FOLLOW HIS/HER ADVICE. Some states take adultery into consideration and some don’t. Alimony is also a state by state deal. Tell the attorney you had to give up your work at her school because of the affair and her affair partner harassing you.


----------



## Chaparral

Different states have different laws concerning divorce. Talk it all over with your lawyer. Write down a list of questions. FOLLOW HIS/HER ADVICE. Some states take adultery into consideration and some don’t. Alimony is also a state by state deal. Tell the attorney you had to give up your work at her school because of the affair and her affair partner harassing you.


----------



## Bestofme

Chaparral said:


> Different states have different laws concerning divorce. Talk it all over with your lawyer. Write down a list of questions. FOLLOW HIS/HER ADVICE. Some states take adultery into consideration and some don’t. Alimony is also a state by state deal. Tell the attorney you had to give up your work at her school because of the affair and her affair partner harassing you.


i live in california so its a no fault state... so doesnt matter what happens...



Tron said:


> Talk to your lawyer, but money for both lawyers would normally come out of the community pot, and get taken into consideration during the split. If you aren't sharing accounts at this point, she will have to write a check to her lawyer, just like you will, out of your individual accounts. Another reason why if she doesn't get an attorney and represents herself, you both will save $. If she lets her sister "represent" her and lets your attorney handle all the legal work and the documents, things should go pretty easy for you.
> 
> Talk to your attorney about getting some temporary orders in place so she is forced to assist you financially with the kids and housing. She is still on the hook for that BTW.


chances are she may use her sister, her sister think she is queen of the world...as for saving money she is going ater my retirment, and left outa bunch of other stuff....i spoke with my lawyer earlier and basically told me she is going to " handle thing" not to worry. as for housing, we were renting but im taking care of everything on my own while she is living up rent free at her sisters house. that and she is making 2200 a month which i believe she is lying about....as for shared accounts we had seperate through our marriage.



Kamstel said:


> Have you informed her school district about two employees looking up? Especially one that has been moved from school to school because he has slept with multiple married women?


asa matter of fact she is under investigation with the school district for inappropriate behavior in her class. assit sup told me that she would be fireed if anything was found.... as for the program the other third party that i work with does not want me to cut ties with the school...they lose money, and love the partnership...so they do not want me to withdraw even though they know the issues.


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## Bestofme

at this point i dont know if mediation is the right step, i know that it will be a lot cheaper, but everytime me and her met in person it has been a difficult talking with her... i know that wew will not meet on the same level due to all the emotion that is between us. with her putting down retirement on the forms, along with my bank account i do not trust her or anything she has to say. even though she said there is nothing thatshe wants with all that she has done these last few months it makes it very difficult. i think at this point my laywer will be talking and doing everything for me, but i know that we will not be agreeing on a lot including credit cards, and the car that was given to both me and her during our marriage.

so i am not sure if we keeping going back and forth until a judge gets invloed, or if me and her even have to meet in court...


----------



## Kamstel

A new teacher already under investigation for inappropriate classroom behavior? Doesn’t look good for her getting tenure/professional status. 

Did you let the Assist Supt know about her affair with the janitor?

Hang in there. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I think she has done you a huge favor. Right now, you are the villain in her eyes. You and ONLY you are keeping her and Mr Clean from living happily ever after. Once divorce is final, she won’t have you to blame, then reality is going to kick here in the a$$, especially if one or both of them lose their jobs, and she will realize just how much she has screwed up. I give it 9 months after divorce is final until she knocks on your door. But unfortunately for muffin, hopefully you will have a new, loving, devoted, faithful woman in your life. When she comes knocking on the door, don’t say a word, let her rant and beg. When she is done, simply close the door on her!!!


TAXMAN, you must have a heart-warming story about justice you can share with this poor gentleman!


----------



## Bestofme

Kamstel said:


> A new teacher already under investigation for inappropriate classroom behavior? Doesn’t look good for her getting tenure/professional status.
> 
> she doesn't get tenure she is a classified employee... she is at the same level as the janitor, she has a ba and only makes two dollors more than him.... i provided everything or her financially...
> 
> Did you let the Assist Supt know about her affair with the janitor?
> 
> yes he is aware of the affair. i use to play softball with him..but we talked on the phone and asked me if this is what i wanted to be very sure.
> 
> Hang in there. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I think she has done you a huge favor. Right now, you are the villain in her eyes. You and ONLY you are keeping her and Mr Clean from living happily ever after. Once divorce is final, she won’t have you to blame, then reality is going to kick here in the a$$, especially if one or both of them lose their jobs, and she will realize just how much she has screwed up. I give it 9 months after divorce is final until she knocks on your door. But unfortunately for muffin, hopefully you will have a new, loving, devoted, faithful woman in your life. When she comes knocking on the door, don’t say a word, let her rant and beg. When she is done, simply close the door on her!!!
> 
> i keep hear that sme thing that she will come running back...but as each time this crap or event has happened i get more and more disgusted... i mean 38 yrs old janitor who lives in parents garage. part time, and use to be hooked on drugs... has meth face..i know its more of an ego thing, but my wife had everything... even worked on my issues as... yet i got a lot of blame shifting, calloues selfish behavior... and she got mad about that aswell.
> 
> 
> TAXMAN, you must have a heart-warming story about justice you can share with this poor gentleman!


----------



## Kamstel

Talk to your lawyer about wanting her fired. You might want to talk to the Assist Supt the day that everything is finalized. Just make sure you do NOT agree to a confidentiality/non-desclosure clause

You got this! Stay strong!!!


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## Bestofme

so another question ladies and gentlemen....

went over the forms last night... and obviously, she put a lot of numbers down that were not right.... she put that she only has 1000 in her bank account.... in addition, there were other things that she put down in the finical department that she was not honest about... so will there be a follow up.... the4 divorce papers seemed rushed, and nothing looked as if it was taken time on..


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## SentHereForAReason

Bestofme said:


> so another question ladies and gentlemen....
> 
> went over the forms last night... and obviously, she put a lot of numbers down that were not right.... she put that she only has 1000 in her bank account.... in addition, there were other things that she put down in the finical department that she was not honest about... so will there be a follow up.... the4 divorce papers seemed rushed, and nothing looked as if it was taken time on..


Everything I have seen so far today from you pretty much means you need to do this with a lawyer. It sounds like a lawyer would actually be the best thing for both of you. I just get the feeling that she is not just untrustworthy but seems to have no idea even how to use common sense on how to proceed with everything. You need a lawyer to issue the temp orders and put them in place to get things in motion before it gets even messier.


----------



## Bestofme

stillfightingforus said:


> Everything I have seen so far today from you pretty much means you need to do this with a lawyer. It sounds like a lawyer would actually be the best thing for both of you. I just get the feeling that she is not just untrustworthy but seems to have no idea even how to use common sense on how to proceed with everything. You need a lawyer to issue the temp orders and put them in place to get things in motion before it gets even messier.




temp orders?


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## Robert22205

She's acting irrational and it will get worse as the reality of her inappropriate behavior sets in.
Move this along ... see an attorney and follow their advice. Distance yourself from her and go NC.


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## SentHereForAReason

Bestofme said:


> temp orders?


They are much more critical early on when kids are involved but they also take care of the financial stuff. It details on how marital bills should be paid, what should happen with accounts, credit cards, etc until the final order is put in place with the divorce decree. 

You need a lawyer ASAP and like I said earlier, it would probably even help her understand what the heck is going on and what will happen and how they will play out in court because outside of the affair fog, from what you describe, she seems to lack basic common sense, which is strange for an educator. The fact that she has others involved that she is feeding info and that are feeding advice into her, makes it even more vital you get a retainer in place NOW.


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## Bestofme

stillfightingforus said:


> They are much more critical early on when kids are involved but they also take care of the financial stuff. It details on how marital bills should be paid, what should happen with accounts, credit cards, etc until the final order is put in place with the divorce decree.
> 
> You need a lawyer ASAP and like I said earlier, it would probably even help her understand what the heck is going on and what will happen and how they will play out in court because outside of the affair fog, from what you describe, she seems to lack basic common sense, which is strange for an educator. The fact that she has others involved that she is feeding info and that are feeding advice into her, makes it even more vital you get a retainer in place NOW.



imay sound dumb for asking this but what are temp orders and how can i talk to my lawyer about them?

as for laywer we are meeting tomorrow... so retainer will be in place tomorrow. and according to the lawyer on the phone, it will be shock and awe in regards to counter....

as for common sense she has always been one to act on emotion, always ...as for educator she doesnt have a credential she isa pre school teacher.... and yes her sisters or parents are veery much influencing her... its my marriage... but with all of them included... i stood no chance with her fog, and parents involved.

just based on how she filled out paperwork it looked rushed and looked as if she did not do any research on anything... she lied on her bank account and other items, so i dont know if she playing victim, but her lying on these forms isnta good thing.


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## BarbedFenceRider

Temp orders are usually placed "in front" of a court mandated action that allow life to proceed more or less until the day of discovery and trial are to take place. That usually means, bills get paid, property placement and ofcourse living situations. Ie...Her with her sister, you have the apartment etc..

Also, If puts a freeze on your credit and liability until court decree is reached. She can't open new accounts and ruin you. Or she can't destroy property that you are entitled to.

There are ofcourse other things to consider, but I think you get the point.

Keep your nose clean and follow your attorney's direction explicitly! 

Good luck.


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## SentHereForAReason

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Temp orders are usually placed "in front" of a court mandated action that allow life to proceed more or less until the day of discovery and trial are to take place. That usually means, bills get paid, property placement and ofcourse living situations. Ie...Her with her sister, you have the apartment etc..
> 
> Also, If puts a freeze on your credit and liability until court decree is reached. She can't open new accounts and ruin you. Or she can't destroy property that you are entitled to.
> 
> There are ofcourse other things to consider, but I think you get the point.
> 
> Keep your nose clean and follow your attorney's direction explicitly!
> 
> Good luck.


BINGO! Your Lawyer will know what they are and if they are good, will put them in place within a week's time.


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## Bestofme

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Temp orders are usually placed "in front" of a court mandated action that allow life to proceed more or less until the day of discovery and trial are to take place. That usually means, bills get paid, property placement and ofcourse living situations. Ie...Her with her sister, you have the apartment etc..
> 
> Also, If puts a freeze on your credit and liability until court decree is reached. She can't open new accounts and ruin you. Or she can't destroy property that you are entitled to.
> 
> There are ofcourse other things to consider, but I think you get the point.
> 
> Keep your nose clean and follow your attorney's direction explicitly!
> 
> Good luck.




*court mandated action that allow life to proceed more or less until the day of discovery and trial are to take place. That usually means, bills get paid, property placement and of course living situations. Ie...Her with her sister, you have the apartment etc..*

if i can get clarification on this... what does this mean... she pretty much abandoned the house, to move in with her sister, left with all the bills, we didn't have a rental agreement it was month to month and i paid pretty much everything but the water, electric, and gas...

what does it mean day of discovery? as for credit since they are in my name but paid for items we had does this go towards community property? examples i paid for tires on the honda pilet, paid for other items like her VS cloths she asked me for other items....


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## Tron

Talk to your lawyer about the temporary orders. It's really too much to discuss here, but the lawyer can explain to you in greater detail. It will keep you off the hook for EVERYTHING and force her to contribute from now on until the D is finalized.

Hang in there. There is some light on the horizon.


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## Bestofme

thanks for the advice everyone.... have my meeting later this afternoon.... im sure like may of use we never wanted this i loved my wife hell was faithful for 16 years. bachlors masters to tke care of us.... but like many of you said this.... i was a doormat.....but now doormat has teeth, and considering how bad she wrote out filed papers... and how she treated me this past months the wife i knew is gone... checkout or issues aside.... so ill keep you all update ...thanks


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## BarbedFenceRider

Here you go....This one is for Texas obviously, but you get the gist...


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## Kamstel

Is he from Texas? If so, that is fantastic as they don’t really have alimony, and he can counter sue for infidelity


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## Jharp

Taxman said:


> Get the divorce done then rat them both out to the school board. Make sure she is blacklisted as a preschool teacher. Sir, to be frank this is one great big gaslight. She got a lot of your stuff, make sure she gets nothing more. Rat her out to family and friends after the divorce is final. A client did not want to get his hands dirty on the OM, his brother and 20 of his friends “convinced” OM that it would be in his best interest to break up with the WW, and leave town. My client did not his wife back, he just wanted her to beg him, so he could say no. Did one hell of a number on her. Everything she had was taken away.


That guy is my hero. Your stories are wild man. Wild!


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## Kamstel

How did the meeting with the lawyer go?

Hang in there, stay strong, and blow up her world!


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## Kamstel

Since you live in California, get down on your knees and thank God that you have been married for ONLY 4 years!!! 

Thank goodness that you haven’t reached the 10 year mark and therefore would be paying the ungrateful little $lut alimony for the rest of her life!!!

Hope your meeting with the lawyer went well


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## Bestofme

ok so update ladies and gentlemen


meeting with laywer went well.... my wife for all she is screwed up on the forms... she did not attach anything ...statements, recipts stubs noting..... laywer said she would have advised her to redo everything becuase it was poorly done....

laywer asked me if i had all documents, and well since i took care of all the financial aspects of our marriage i have everything.... since we had separate accounts ill be ok as long as i dont have more than what i came into the marriage with ....so she can go after me, but may get 1k from my account.... but i can go after her saving and bank account myself, and i know fora fact since she only helped with water bill, gas and electric she has money saved so ...it open, along with all the credit debt, and her precious car which is community property...

the medication date that she kept througing at me i dont have to attend, its nothing but something she set up....all that matters is i turn in my hat into the ring before the 30 days, and i found out ill be serving her my response...... ive hada few friends vounteer.

so at this point i have to get paper work together, and retain my laywer who isa *****.. which isa good thing. ill admit it wasnt easy i never thought id ever be doing this...never believe in divorce... but after all my wife has done, im done thinking with my heart, and thinking with my mind...a she thought i would go aong and roll over....and her biggest mistakes was half assing the forms....moving foward i need to check my emotions, and make the right choices....

as for janitor idiot choose to see me on the steet and flipped me off ill be making another school to school district.....


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## Kamstel

Great news!!!!

Blow up Fantastland!!!!
Go after her savings accounts!!!!


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## Decorum

The guys who do well here, and pull through the soonest, roll just the way you are now. 

It is all about taking the right ations.

You have an opportunity while she is in La La land, i.e. in love/rainbows/unicorns/etc to exploit her desire to get it over with, and to make it smooth. 

Stay the course, dont break the fantasy for her quite yet.


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## Kamstel

What type of car is “her precious car”???
If she truly loves it, go after it!!! Get her to sell it and split the proceeds!!!!

Time to blow up her world!!!

It is now time to “go to the mattresses”!!!!!!

And when divorce is finalized, go back to Assist Supt and go after their jobs!!!!


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## Bestofme

Kamstel said:


> What type of car is “her precious car”???
> If she truly loves it, go after it!!! Get her to sell it and split the proceeds!!!!
> 
> Time to blow up her world!!!
> 
> It is now time to “go to the mattresses”!!!!!!
> 
> And when divorce is finalized, go back to Assist Supt and go after their jobs!!!!




2008 honda piolet rhat her parent sold us... she sneakly put title in her name....but thats her pericious car....

she had another that her parents gave her... but i think she sold it, and money is in her saing or account

scrwed up thing back in june....my current car had bad issues, so i asked her to use her other car, she said i had two weeks, and after she said she wanted it back wether my car was fixed or not.... needless to say i had to rush to get my car fixed... and she ened up taking it...


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Bestofme said:


> 2008 honda piolet rhat her parent sold us... she sneakly put title in her name....but thats her pericious car....
> 
> she had another that her parents gave her... but i think she sold it, and money is in her saing or account
> 
> scrwed up thing back in june....my current car had bad issues, so i asked her to use her other car, she said i had two weeks, and after she said she wanted it back wether my car was fixed or not.... needless to say i had to rush to get my car fixed... and she ened up taking it...


Your wife is not as smart as she thinks she is, She is in for a surprise. Just follow your attorneys instructions exactly as they advise.


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## Kamstel

Hopefully today has been a good day.

Hang in there and continue to stay strong!


----------



## Bestofme

so just an udate for those keeping score.....


gota phone call from the assitant sup for the district..... wanted to ask me questions about the rumor being that em and him have been friends.... i told him the truth of my wife kissing the janitor in the classroom, the truth that my wife who gets out at 4:30 is staying till 7-715 at times considering that she is classified, and does not have a creditnal or on salary contract. told hi mthe truth that i walked in on him and her acting funny as i opened the door, and how i had gotten the truth from her when we spoke recenlty... and her telling me as if there anything i can do about it.... i told him its been filed and i was done.....so she is offically being invesgated i told him i vaule my relation with the district and the services i provided....i have support from my bosses within the college, and an poutside agency that runs the after school programs for the district... so im sure he knows this goes beyonda personal matter but invloes the professional relam aswell.

so for the divorce... the laywer has been paided.....i will have my paper worked filed correctly and my response ready... then i get to serve her...and no i will not throw them at her as she did me.....so my wife may lose her job, lost her husband, and screwed her marriage, and i wont be going easy on the court. and for those who thinks its revenge its not... i provided services through the college to one of their elementray school, in addtion i am lead mft for their substance programs at their hig hschool, so i have connections withthe district....my wife made her choices...stupid as they are.


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## Bestofme

just an update on the situation, this Wednesday i finally have a date to meet with my soon to be new laywer..... retainer and all, and i will be responding to my wife filing for divorce. I have done a lot of growing these last few weeks, started to focus on me, but i still have my moments of weakness. I am not looking forward to the next steps of divorce, i never wanted it, but once again im looking at it like this is my wife selfishness showing up.

speaking of my wife here was here most recent loving message said.

*hello 

i just wanted to send you a reminder with enough notice for you to request sept 26th off so we can meet in mediation if you have any questions let me know i can give you more details closer to the time as well.... thanks*


i have no intention of meditation with her, once again i see it as her way of controlling the situation.but im tired of this whole situation, waste of money and time, and i blame her for the storm that is about to begin.


----------



## Tex X

Good update. Just remember to take care of yourself throughout this process. Hit the gym, maintain a healthy diet, limit your drinking, pursue your hobbies, and engage your guy friends. This is simply a business transaction now, so do your best to leave emotion out of it. And this woman is no longer your wife, so start referring to her as your STBXW. Hang in there bud - you got this!


----------



## Bestofme

ok ladies and gentlemen.... an update

as of yesterday... retainer has been put down and i officially have a lawyer.... i left the lawyers office not with relief, but with a lot of anger due to the waste of time, and money this is taking.... i know divorce is a long tedious process, but all of this is bull****, and im pissed at my wife for doing all this crap.

i understand the whole 50/50 that is California, but now im in the process of having to put down all the final aspects of our marriage considering im the one who took care of everything in that aspect. so officially i know im doing the 180, lawyer will be doing all the talking for me, as for that mediation date i dont have to show up, due to it not being court ordered, and it being pointless....

but either way, i havnt beena big fan of any of this, and i know im at war, a war i didnt want, and i understand that things from here on out will get ugly, and i know havnt delt with enough from her these past few months, im just getting tired of dealing with all this crap, even with the gym, self care IC, it still doesnt feel right.


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> ok ladies and gentlemen.... an update
> 
> as of yesterday... retainer has been put down and i officially have a lawyer.... i left the lawyers office not with relief, but with a lot of anger due to the waste of time, and money this is taking.... i know divorce is a long tedious process, but all of this is bull****, and im pissed at my wife for doing all this crap.
> 
> i understand the whole 50/50 that is California, but now im in the process of having to put down all the final aspects of our marriage considering im the one who took care of everything in that aspect. so officially i know im doing the 180, lawyer will be doing all the talking for me, as for that mediation date i dont have to show up, due to it not being court ordered, and it being pointless....
> 
> but either way, i havnt beena big fan of any of this, and i know im at war, a war i didnt want, and i understand that things from here on out will get ugly, and i know havnt delt with enough from her these past few months, im just getting tired of dealing with all this crap, even with the gym, self care IC, it still doesnt feel right.


Well it is a marathon, not a sprint, but you have taken the first step. 

Just keep yourself together, and when it is over after a few months you cannot imagine how good you will feel. 

Stay strong...


----------



## jlg07

BestofMe, hang in there --- keep up some sort of physical exercise (even if not the gym -- go for a walk, bike ride, hike...something to keep you moving and burning up energy).
Very sorry that you are going through all this, but try to see that this will set you up for a GREAT future and free you of someone who betrayed you at the fundamental level. 
Please do keep posting -- even if it's just to vent....


----------



## Kamstel

I’m so sorry for you, but you know that you have to do it!

And remember, this is all on HER! This is her doing! This is her creation!!! You just need to lower your head and just get through it!!!

Keep your head up! Do you see that just up ahead? This is a light that is now getting bigger and brighter!!

Stay strong and keep your head up


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## Bestofme

another event filled week...

so these are the wonderful bi polar texts that she sends me..... just know my laywer has been advised, and i did not respond to the calls for the texts messages.

*
im sick and tired of you following me, i check the mail youre there, i go runningyou pass by, and still pas by my work??? im tired of seeing you everywhere i go. this needs to stop this is not up for discussion or conversation.*

we live in a small town... she chose to move in with her sister who lives 4 house from my dads house... she chose to run a rute that passes by our old home... and her work is on a main street....my princess ex wife thinks the world resolves around here, and i should accommodate her.... im learning that she is dangerous and would make up anything to play the victim role
o
yesterdays y=text message....

*hey, i just wanted to geta for sure answer for the 26th, so i can give you a time and location and details this houdt be that difficult, i already did most the work... it isnt to resolve any issues, it is just to sort things out... i dont want nor should you want to be court ordered... or should i just inform a member of your family instead please let me know thanks...*

another example of her trying to control the whole situation.... i won't be attending the mediation per my laywer, and this is the reason why i didnt answer her calls, or even bother texting her back.... i know this will isnt going to be pretty, i do know she is going to be pissed that all her hard work was for nothing.... for those of you that been through this what steps can i take to handle this bull**** in court, im at that point where this toxic monster needs quit thinking she is in charge of everything, or even understand that i wont be playing her game anymore, how did you guys handle this manipulative bull****?


----------



## Beach123

How did I handle it? I did not engage!

Do not answer anything she sends you.

Let your attorney handle things.

Any interaction fuels the fire. 

Block her - if she has an emergency she can have your attorney notify you.

Communication with this type just gives them opportunities to be even crazier. Do not respond.


----------



## Bestofme

so let me begin by saying took all the proper steps, but as anything, nothing goes smooth....

as of today my ex wife finds out i hired a laywer, so she calls my laywer asking them why i would hire a laywer, and so the things start to get worse..... ex calss and acts so sweet to my laywer, then 2 hours later chooses to go and hire a lawyer herself, then proceeds to tell the lawyer that i am stalking her, along with the idea that she feels that i need to pay alimony. 

as you all have read i posted her texts messages, past 2 weeks she has gotten a hold of me, accusing me of things, or trying to offer tell me how she is praying for me due toa recent death in the family..... i made my lawyer aware two weeks ago how manipulative my wife would be.... but to destroy our marriage, cheat on me and expect that i pay alimony for her mess, really ****en pisses me off. all of this i know wasnt going to be easy, and even as i sit her at work im beside myself...

so at this point im more anger than anything else, does she even have any ground for that considering this is all her doing? what steps can i take other then no contact to protect myself... i dont trust her, and know she will make herself out to be the victim. need some advice, becuase at this point im more anger than anything else, and i know my laywer has her job to do, but this is bull****.


----------



## Marc878

Go dark as night. Zero response


----------



## Lostinthought61

Document everything, any time she tries to reach out or contact you...place a GPS on your car so you can keep a record of everywhere you go so if she does say your stalking her you will have proof of where about. if you are living somewhere where you can install a Ring camera so you can see if she come to your place or stalks on you, you will have evidence.


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Lostinthought61 said:


> Document everything, any time she tries to reach out or contact you...place a GPS on your car so you can keep a record of everywhere you go so if she does say your stalking her you will have proof of where about. if you are living somewhere where you can install a Ring camera so you can see if she come to your place or stalks on you, you will have evidence.


All spot on except for the GPS, I know I'll probably get into another argument over this but doing anything to open you up to litigation would be a blunder, in my opinion. He holds the high ground. Getting busted for violating the non-consent digital media law is not worth it.


----------



## GusPolinski

SentHereForAReason said:


> All spot on except for the GPS, I know I'll probably get into another argument over this but doing anything to open you up to litigation would be a blunder, in my opinion. He holds the high ground. Getting busted for violating the non-consent digital media law is not worth it.


How would placing GPS in _his own_ vehicle (not hers) open him up to anything?


----------



## personofinterest

GusPolinski said:


> SentHereForAReason said:
> 
> 
> 
> All spot on except for the GPS, I know I'll probably get into another argument over this but doing anything to open you up to litigation would be a blunder, in my opinion. He holds the high ground. Getting busted for violating the non-consent digital media law is not worth it.
> 
> 
> 
> How would placing GPS in _his own_ vehicle (not hers) open him up to anything?
Click to expand...

It wouldnt. Its HIS car. He doesnt need consent to GOS HIS car


----------



## Nucking Futs

SentHereForAReason said:


> All spot on except for the GPS, I know I'll probably get into another argument over this but doing anything to open you up to litigation would be a blunder, in my opinion. He holds the high ground. Getting busted for violating the non-consent digital media law is not worth it.


Reading comprehension fail.>


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Yup, that was my bad lol. So used to the cookie cutter advice on here to VAR and Track that I overlooked that one .... doh!

Sorry @Lostinthought61 !


----------



## Robert22205

Carry a VAR with you ...turn it on if she approaches you. Otherwise stay away from her.
She's just looking for an opportunity to charge you spousal abuse.


----------



## Bestofme

Just need to know....wife laywer is trying to push for alimony... she cheats, destroy our marriage, files,....what can i do to not let her get a dime....my laywer tells me to trust her, that they have seen this so any advice? The hell if ill pay her anything....


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> Just need to know....wife laywer is trying to push for alimony... she cheats, destroy our marriage, files,....what can i do to not let her get a dime....my laywer tells me to trust her, that they have seen this so any advice? The hell if ill pay her anything....


Your wife's lawyer, is doing the standard. Trying to scare you, trying to get ever last dime she can. 

They all do that. Now, this is were you have to have discernment, DO YOU Trust your lawyer? 

Because you need to be straight with them, and completely even harshly honest. I am not paying that. 

What are you going to do to fix it. 

My Ex came at with all of that. I told my lawyer that I would go to trial, have the children testify, spend every dime I could beg borrow or steal, because that was not going to happen. 

She got WAY Less that what she was asking for...


----------



## Bestofme

BluesPower said:


> Your wife's lawyer, is doing the standard. Trying to scare you, trying to get ever last dime she can.
> 
> They all do that. Now, this is were you have to have discernment, DO YOU Trust your lawyer?
> 
> Because you need to be straight with them, and completely even harshly honest. I am not paying that.
> 
> What are you going to do to fix it.
> 
> My Ex came at with all of that. I told my lawyer that I would go to trial, have the children testify, spend every dime I could beg borrow or steal, because that was not going to happen.
> 
> She got WAY Less that what she was asking for...



so when you say hinest, and harsh with the laywer in what way would that be? about all my finacial information or others things?

ive already told my laywer that the hell i will pay anything fora woman who does need help due to her living at her moms house for free.

all i was told by my lawyer was trust in her , and they know how to handle this.... the question that will arise will be one minture you wanted mediation, now you want full out alimony.... i mean she lied on her disclosure forms.


----------



## Kamstel

Don’t worry about the attempt to get alimony. She can ask for anything, that doesn’t mean she will get it. You have to trust your lawyer.

If she claims that she is paying rent to her mother, have your lawyer threaten to subpoena her mother’s tax records. Mommy would have had to report that income to the Feds. If she didn’t, that means your stbxw lied, hopefully under oath, or Mommy is committing tax fraud.


Trust your lawyer and don’t let them get under your skin. Simply tell her that ALL communication is to go through your lawyer.


----------



## Kamstel

If you want to annoy her, after talking to your lawyer, ask boss for a cut in hours so you make less than her, and you request alimony from her

Lol

It won’t work, but sometimes you have to look for things to laugh at.


----------



## Kamstel

What did Princess do when you didn’t show up to the mediation she was trying to force you to attend?


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> so when you say hinest, and harsh with the laywer in what way would that be? about all my finacial information or others things?
> 
> ive already told my laywer that the hell i will pay anything fora woman who does need help due to her living at her moms house for free.
> 
> all i was told by my lawyer was trust in her , and they know how to handle this.... the question that will arise will be one minture you wanted mediation, now you want full out alimony.... i mean she lied on her disclosure forms.


I guess what I am saying is this: Do you REALLY trust your lawyer. If you do, then you should be OK. 

I am saying that sometimes they see a Husband upset and they placate them. So you have to be assertive and say. OK, explain in laymen term how you are going to handle this. 

Now understand that temporary support is different than Alimony, I was paying her 2500 a month temporary support to start with, because I had a Chicken **** lawyer the first part, then I changed. 

I gave her a small portion of my retirement, and bought her out of the rest, including equity in the house. All that gets paid over time with 10G upfront. 

So now, she gets 1500 a month and that for me is just paying her off. NO Alimony. 

Don't know your state, but in Texas, Alimony is kind of hard to get. 

All I am saying is be assertive and if you don't feel good, get another lawyer. 

I assume that you are in a no fault state so her cheating does not really matter?


----------



## honcho

Bestofme said:


> so when you say hinest, and harsh with the laywer in what way would that be? about all my finacial information or others things?
> 
> ive already told my laywer that the hell i will pay anything fora woman who does need help due to her living at her moms house for free.
> 
> all i was told by my lawyer was trust in her , and they know how to handle this.... the question that will arise will be one minture you wanted mediation, now you want full out alimony.... i mean she lied on her disclosure forms.


Living at her mom's for free does work to your advantage in the alimony game depending on how your state views alimony. In my state a lawyer can easily argue that the spouse is not trying to live and start a new independent life but just became a dependent to a different person so no alimony is entitled. 

People lie all the time on disclosure forms so that isn't going to be ground breaking news to a lawyer or judge. 

Your stbx will asked for the moon and stars, they all do and it's standard fare with lawyers. Nobody starts out with "fair and equitable" so don't get too worked up about it. I know easier said than done but you got a long road ahead. 

My crazy ex was convinced I was following her day and night and she tried restraining orders and such as part of her divorce battle plan. Start keeping a daily log. When you went to work, got home or went shopping, things like that. Start keeping receipts, anything that can place you at locations at certain times.


----------



## Bestofme

good morning just an update....

nothing really new to report, lawyer went over all my documents, an had questions, so more digging and items that i have to go after to turn in....and it all falls back on me once again to research and put the time and effort into.

as for me, today is my exwife birthday, i wont lie in saying its been difficult considering for the past 16 years i had always celebrated it with her at 1200 mid night....i almost made the mistake of buying her a book, but choose to cancel the order. so far ive taken the day well, keeping in my mind that she does not deserve anything from me, and with the help of someone new within my life ive been able to geta whole new perspective of just how horrible a person my ex had been with all that she has did. 

so my question how did you guys/gals handle important dates...so far her birthday is mixed emotions, next month our anniversay day may be a different story....

as for dating is it wise to date during a divorce? does it have any implications with the divorce?


----------



## BluesPower

Bestofme said:


> good morning just an update....
> 
> nothing really new to report, lawyer went over all my documents, an had questions, so more digging and items that i have to go after to turn in....and it all falls back on me once again to research and put the time and effort into.
> 
> as for me, today is my exwife birthday, i wont lie in saying its been difficult considering for the past 16 years i had always celebrated it with her at 1200 mid night....i almost made the mistake of buying her a book, but choose to cancel the order. so far ive taken the day well, keeping in my mind that she does not deserve anything from me, and with the help of someone new within my life ive been able to geta whole new perspective of just how horrible a person my ex had been with all that she has did.
> 
> so my question how did you guys/gals handle important dates...so far her birthday is mixed emotions, next month our anniversay day may be a different story....


The thing is, when they are out of your life, those dates are no longer important or special. 

You moping around about it won't help. The fact that you even think about her at this point means to me that you need more therapy. 

You have GOT to move on, you were screw over, it sucks but it is what it is...

You need to forget what you THOUGHT were important dates. They were only important to you, obviously, and you need to put them out of your mind!!!


----------



## Bestofme

hello friends just an update

well time has passed since i have last posted, and well thing have gotten better partially

recently lawyer tld me she is not entitled to alimony so a victory for me

but it would sem when things seem to be going ok, she finds a way to make me mad

lawyer sends me an email which she addressed to her laywer demanding that she be allowed inside our old home to pick up items that she left in the home over three months ago..... things.....

The following are the items...... would like to pick up from the residence:

Articles of clothing dresses(wedding dress & formal dresses) and jackets from middle closet in bedroom

*appliances- waffle maker, griddle, toaster oven

*cups, tumblers, and mugs given to me as gifts from past students 

*furniture - entry way shelf given to me by family 

*small 12' TV in kitchen

*movies 

*The Count of Monte Cristo book (item sentimental to sister)

*any miscellaneous items that he will part with that are mine that he remembers 

*desk

*movies

*Wii gaming console for my class

now frankly i don't want her or her family anywhere inside the house, and i agree she is being petty.... a waffle maker of all things, a lot of these items she could have picked up prior yet never did, most of it i gave away to goodwill, and being that its 5 months later, so at the moment i dont know how to go about this ....my lawyer wants to not be petty and go along with her to avoid dragging this out, i dont want her anywhere near the house, nor do i feel like dealing with her in any way, so my question is how can i go about this in the correct way, i kinda figured 5 months later she had no claim to any of these items, and the dress i was going to burn come new years....so what can i do?


----------



## Marc878

Box it up put it in the garage and give her a time to pick it up. That way they don't have to come in your home.

Or rent a small storage unit and Mail her the key


----------



## Betrayedone

Don't rock the boat over this penny ante crap.....Let her have it and go away.......


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Don't let her in the house. 5 months is long enough to change the locks. Especially since the OM was looking for trouble with you that I recall you reported to the police

The wedding dress is hers, as much as you would like to make a statement just hand it over. The Monte Cristo book too as well as all her cloths. 

Make copies of all family photos including wedding album. Just hand over the copies or originals.

Gifts to you are not negotiable. Keep. Gifts to the both of you split down the middle if you care to. 

The appliances give her half, or all. Your call. 

I am assuming you are not in direct contact with her. Can you have an in-law just pick them up? Record the packing of the stuff with in-law in case she starts whining you damaged something etc. 

Your lawyer is just trying to save you a money in drafting a response for stuff that although sentimental is depreciated and probably not worth much. 

Plus the small stuff irritates the judge.


----------



## Bobby5000

Looks like you have a bad marriage. Be careful because it looks like she's setting you up for some false domestic violence charges.


----------



## Betrayedone

**** man, 16 years.........that's nothing compared to lots of folks around here. You got off lucky.


----------



## MattMatt

Betrayedone said:


> **** man, 16 years.........that's nothing compared to lots of folks around here. You got off lucky.


No. He didn't get off lucky.

This is not a "my divorce was worser than your divorce" competition!


----------



## Herschel

MattMatt said:


> No. He didn't get off lucky.
> 
> This is not a "my divorce was worser than your divorce" competition!


Maybe not, but I’d ****ing love to be a part of or judge one of them. We should definitely have end of the year awards for various categories.

Most heartbreaking
Worst ex
Worst way to find out
Longest time not having sex
Ect...


----------



## jlg07

@Bestofme, any updates? How goes the D? How are YOU doing?


----------



## Chuck71

Best........very sorry for what you are going through. I ended my 15 year ordeal six years ago.

There will be a better life out there for you. I never knew if my XW cheated or not.... her wanting to just

walk out on the M was all I needed. If you still want children, now is your chance. Just work on your 

picker. Take time to re-discover you, your likes, hobbies. Until current g/f moved in, it was nothing

for me to be up at 1AM watching a West Coast baseball game, sorting through baseball card in my

underwear, eating lasagna. Look forward to these times. 

Your BSC WW will eventually come out of her "fog" but it will be too late. Her family manipulates her, 

always have and always will. You were the one that got the anger dumps from her over that.

Maybe she can't live alone. Did she before you M? Her family will more than likely throw her under

the bus (not in D but after) for now becoming "their problem." Just be glad she isn't your problem anymore.

You haven't posted in awhile. We'll be here when you decide to. Just about every one posting 

on your thread, went through what you are going through. It's tough....you second guess yourself

sometimes, anxiety. See your Dr. if needed. All this will pass, I promise.

Even if you don't want to post, just let us know you're ok!


----------



## Dragan Jovanovic

Are you divorced yet?


----------



## [email protected]

Bestofme, how are you doing?


----------



## Bestofme

Hello ladies and gentlemen

its beena while but im here for a check-in 

divorce is still on its way, as of a few weeks ago i finally go all my paperwork in, and my lawyer sepeunoed her lawyer, so now it's it seems that the fight for items will begin.... lawyer told me if things don't get worked out then all four of us will be sitting in a room together at 5000 an hour....im against this because I have a lot to say.

since last year things have been difficult, I've learned that I have a lot of anger with all that been going on.... it didn't help that she sent me a birthday card, or even more recently she asked me if I was interested in filing taxes together which im in disbelief that she would ask me for that. not only that there are items she still wants in addition to wanting money considering she wanted alimony from me not too long ago, and still feels as if she is entitled to it.

lawyer wants me to put her stuff someplace, but i refuse to let her come to the house to pick it up, I might just put it on the street, but I'm unsure if I'm going to be at home when they come and pick her items up,

but I am in a much better place outside of the anger, learned the hard way that I wasn't ready for other women and had a lot to learn about myself, but im not sure how the rest of this will play out, i know that this is heading towards the finish, or what her lawyer or even her will ask for now that i have submitted all the documents and paperwork on my end.... but i do know that she will be petty

as for other comments from others post that i looked at divorce is divorce, 16-17 years still has the same impact emotionally and psychically on any person going through it, there has been nothing lucky that ive been going through outside of seeing the true colors of someone who i thought loved me, or how guarded ive become with other women, or how i take out what i did on my ex on these new women, divorce changes who you are, and how your view the world around you, i have no doubt things will get better for myself with times, but if anything this forum has taught me that people can be pretty ****ed up to one another, and in my case im still not divorced yet due to my greedy ex wanting and wanting.


----------



## Livvie

$5,000 an hour???


----------



## Chuck71

They ALWAYS want everything.....even the kitchen sink....and the drip from it. Glad you updated and hearing

you're holding up better than previous. It's a process. Do you have anything of her's you can barter

with to reduce her wanting "virtually everything?"


----------



## Kamstel

Great to see your update.

I know that you are still in Hell, and it is tough, but just think about where you were just a few months ago. You are in a much better place now.

Keep your head down and keep moving towards the finish line. You got this!!!!

Stay strong


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

So sorry you're going through all this.

Hang in there, and you can do it. Easy to say and hard to do.

Just know, from all the information, that this woman is now 100% your enemy. 

That's the hardest thing to adjust to. It's not your fault things are where they are.

I couldn't believe all the lies and web if deceit she wove while stringing things along. Wow.

Right or wrong there's a grieving period when a marriage passes. As you travel through this, and you'll get all the way thru, remember a relationship as toxic as this isn't typical. 

Your next relationship if you decide to have a future ltr, will be hugely better and different. 

Strength and encouragement to you.

Best,

RR


----------



## Bestofme

Chuck71 said:


> They ALWAYS want everything.....even the kitchen sink....and the drip from it. Glad you updated and hearing
> 
> you're holding up better than previous. It's a process. Do you have anything of her's you can barter
> 
> with to reduce her wanting "virtually everything?"




so as for barter im not sure what she wants yet? i mean she wanted her toaster and little oven for whatever reason, and even wanted old broken computer desk..... her goal has been money either t be alimony or my retirement, not only that but there is the Honda piolet that we both shared which is up in the air, along with her wedding dress, but beyond all the material items her signhts are set on money.....

as for me i have my days, im better than what i once was yes, but i have a ton of anger, i don't have the patience for much, and i find myself to be more blunt and harsh, that is why meeting up with her cannot happen, but im confused as to why she wants to do taxes together???

but also not sure what happens from this point on in terms of me filing and serving her, does she now have to do all the same digging for paperwork as i did? or is it going to be a back and forth until we can bot agree? i heard stories of this being dragged on for a while.


----------



## MattMatt

@Bestofme could you place her stuff in a storage locker, with Payments made in advance for two months, with the account in her name?

Then it would be up to her to collect her belongings.


----------



## Chuck71

Bestofme said:


> so as for barter im not sure what she wants yet? i mean she wanted her toaster and little oven for whatever reason, and even wanted old broken computer desk..... her goal has been money either t be alimony or my retirement, not only that but there is the Honda piolet that we both shared which is up in the air, along with her wedding dress, but beyond all the material items her signhts are set on money.....
> 
> as for me i have my days, im better than what i once was yes, but i have a ton of anger, i don't have the patience for much, and i find myself to be more blunt and harsh, that is why meeting up with her cannot happen, but im confused as to why she wants to do taxes together???
> 
> but also not sure what happens from this point on in terms of me filing and serving her, does she now have to do all the same digging for paperwork as i did? or is it going to be a back and forth until we can bot agree? i heard stories of this being dragged on for a while.


Give defiant people EXACTLY what they are wanting. Because in the end..... it rarely ever turns out

as they had hoped. The dark days are bad, been there. But you will see clarity come, that I promise.

Her actions, her choices are HERS to own. In a way.... be glad she showed her true colors.

In the end...... she will sink, and you will swim.


----------



## Bestofme

well a bit of an udate date since i was last on

at since March she had contacted 3 times through different methods for use to try an do taxes together... so come tax day and i go to the tax person and find out that she wants to do taxes due to not getting a refund due to me making three more than her, and her not getting refund if she filed separate, so i tell the tax person maybe ill be nie, and will do it together, under one condition that the tax refund be sent through mail and given to my laywer for fair disbursement.... while i step outside my ex arrives, i do the smart thing as she begins to video tape me.... i get into my ar, and drive away all the while she pulls up net time me window rolled down, trying to alk to me, but ignored.... so it turn out she is firm that she would rather have the check deposited into her account rather than have it mailed...so we both file separate......for a person who wanted nothing to do with me i have value to her...

ok so later today ill be meeting with my laywer, reason being is her side with the laywer she her parents paid for have requested... according to her attorney in order to equal the division of property she feel rthat i would owe her around 15k, which she wants to be paid day of judgment... of course ill be saying no to this...

in addtion he wants other little items which i am willing to give up, in addition i co signed with her ona ine of credit to help her get thoguh school, and she is expecting me to take full responsibility for... another are in which i refuse to give in about. not only that but she wants me to take full responsability of all credit card debt.

so at this point im ata loss i do not want her to get a dime of money from me, i unforntualy dont have the luxury of having my parent buy mea laywer like hers have, so im not sure how to play this moving forward, i hada week to look things over and come back witha counter, but i already know there is no bargaining with her, in terms of her behavior wit the taxes, so for those whove been through this what teps can i take to protect myself? i know that California its all about business, so how can i go about doing this to where i can protect myself?


----------



## ecoylisa

SentHereForAReason said:


> BOM, lot of similarities I see here between your story and mine, some differences but enough of the same and enough of the same as so many others on TAM.
> 
> As it's been said, sorry you are here. Take solace in your efforts to forgive, to try and work it out and move on. That will be important down the road, might be a while before it does though as the hurt and the state of disbelief you are in take center stage and then that will eventually fade over time.
> 
> The bad news (some may say good news, as it will be better off for you) but the bad news as of right now, what you don't want to hear is that it's over BOM, there's nothing you can do. You can decide to wait for her to divorce officially or you can stick it out until it becomes inevitable but it's over. She has left you no choice and if you are like me, the affair doesn't hurt as much as the treatment. How someone you trusted your life with, your future, who could be your ally, your life ... has now turned YOU into HER worst enemy and the roadblock to her 'happiness'. The things she can say and do and how easy it seems for her. She's done, more than done and there's nothing you can do about it. Even if she didn't give you a crumb of second guessing or 'I don't knows' it would all be delaying the inevitable of her kicking you and the previous life to the curb. Sucks but it's just where you are at in this process, where I was 7-10 months ago.
> 
> As it has been said already, very, very unlikely this was just emotional. Not important now because the endgame is the same. I would keep those pics but put them on a flash drive and toss it away somewhere as a just in case but not somewhere where you encounter every day. As you said, they will likely do you no good.
> 
> Even though it may seem like it goes against what you believe in and are going along with what she foolishly wants. You must get a consultation with a lawyer or 2 or 3, ASAP. Understand your rights, get the divorce process in motion and then give her what she 'wants'. Coming from someone that tried everything, over a long period of time and many times in that span. Once it gets to this point, it's way over. You can still walk away with this, with dignity and a clear conscience. Stop engaging with her, don't even give her insults. Just show her indifference and don't bite when she tries to get peeps out of you.
> 
> The MUSTS;
> - again, talk to legal counsel, this is not to show her consequence or that you mean business, it's just a plain necessity at this point to protect your life and future
> - keep working out
> - keep cooking, cleaning and things that keep you busy and make you feel like you are bettering yourself and growing
> - keep up with IC, that is a big MUST
> - stop talking to her, seriously, if it is a required response, not many are, make it short and indifferent and to the point, not mean
> 
> You'll get through this dude, you will never understand it but this is a type of crazy that defies logic and understanding. You will most likely, like myself always wonder what we could have done to be better, we should have done this or that but when it comes down to it, unless we were completely negligent or abusive, none of it warrants the emotional abuse of an affair upon their partner. Keep posting, we will keep trying to help.


This is such a good advice. I am keeping this on note in case i need it later.


----------



## Lila

Bestofme said:


> well a bit of an udate date since i was last on
> 
> at since March she had contacted 3 times through different methods for use to try an do taxes together... so come tax day and i go to the tax person and find out that she wants to do taxes due to not getting a refund due to me making three more than her, and her not getting refund if she filed separate, so i tell the tax person maybe ill be nie, and will do it together, under one condition that the tax refund be sent through mail and given to my laywer for fair disbursement.... while i step outside my ex arrives, i do the smart thing as she begins to video tape me.... i get into my ar, and drive away all the while she pulls up net time me window rolled down, trying to alk to me, but ignored.... so it turn out she is firm that she would rather have the check deposited into her account rather than have it mailed...so we both file separate......for a person who wanted nothing to do with me i have value to her...
> 
> ok so later today ill be meeting with my laywer, reason being is her side with the laywer she her parents paid for have requested... according to her attorney in order to equal the division of property she feel rthat i would owe her around 15k, which she wants to be paid day of judgment... of course ill be saying no to this...
> 
> in addtion he wants other little items which i am willing to give up, in addition i co signed with her ona ine of credit to help her get thoguh school, and she is expecting me to take full responsibility for... another are in which i refuse to give in about. not only that but she wants me to take full responsability of all credit card debt.
> 
> so at this point im ata loss i do not want her to get a dime of money from me, i unforntualy dont have the luxury of having my parent buy mea laywer like hers have, so im not sure how to play this moving forward, i hada week to look things over and come back witha counter, but i already know there is no bargaining with her, in terms of her behavior wit the taxes, so for those whove been through this what teps can i take to protect myself? i know that California its all about business, so how can i go about doing this to where i can protect myself?


Divorce is the equitable division of assets and debts. Take all of your assets (retirement, equity of home, investment accounts, etc) and subtract your debts (credit card, line of credits, etc) you will get your net. Divide it by two and then figure out how you want to distribute that amount to each. So is the 15k she's asking for and the credit card debt part of the distribution to get you each your share of the net? 

As far as the line of credit, you can argue if you want but at the end of the day, it's part of the matrimonial debt. It gets divided. If she had instead taken out a student loan in her name, you could argue against having anything to do with it.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Good for you for standing your ground on the tax filing issue. Let your lawyer deal with any "bargaining" with her, dont engage any more one on one. As Lila said, your debt will be divided, she doesnt get to just pile all the debt onto you. See if there is a way to get off of that line of credit now so that you wont have to be in for more than has already been accrued. Possibly the $15k she thinks she should be getting can be applied to your portion of the marital debt instead of paid directly to her?


----------



## StillSearching

Livvie said:


> $5,000 an hour???


Thats Horse****


----------



## Beach123

If any of that debt was accumulated after separating - that is her debt alone. That’s why date of separation is key.

No one says you have to agree to anything. You can still file taxes (or amend them) by filing papers to adjust them - and she doesn’t get to use you for that tax benefit.

She’s proven she will use you - so stop ALLOWING her to use you.

The CA courts will determine she is capable of earning _____ amount of money each month and calculate that number into the ratio of divided assets/debts.

Request that she pay you money back for her schooling - you thought you were paying that to reap the benefit of her working in the future. That school debt should be solely on her.

Keep fighting for at least what’s right. She will screw you over if you don’t start saying no to everything she asks for.

Don’t play nice. Not with someone like her.


----------



## Chuck71

Bestofme..... California huh! How long were you M? Don't they still have that dumbass law where if you

were M over 10 years the spouse gets lifetime alimony? It's nothing but a $ grab for her and she was

the ***** who cheated. Go ahead and cheat, if you get caught, take the poor schit to the cleaners

in court. And M rates continue to decline.... Wonder why *eyeroll*

I see nothing wrong with the church being involved in your M but the government..... should GTFO.


----------



## honcho

Bestofme said:


> well a bit of an udate date since i was last on
> 
> at since March she had contacted 3 times through different methods for use to try an do taxes together... so come tax day and i go to the tax person and find out that she wants to do taxes due to not getting a refund due to me making three more than her, and her not getting refund if she filed separate, so i tell the tax person maybe ill be nie, and will do it together, under one condition that the tax refund be sent through mail and given to my laywer for fair disbursement.... while i step outside my ex arrives, i do the smart thing as she begins to video tape me.... i get into my ar, and drive away all the while she pulls up net time me window rolled down, trying to alk to me, but ignored.... so it turn out she is firm that she would rather have the check deposited into her account rather than have it mailed...so we both file separate......for a person who wanted nothing to do with me i have value to her...
> 
> ok so later today ill be meeting with my laywer, reason being is her side with the laywer she her parents paid for have requested... according to her attorney in order to equal the division of property she feel rthat i would owe her around 15k, which she wants to be paid day of judgment... of course ill be saying no to this...
> 
> in addtion he wants other little items which i am willing to give up, in addition i co signed with her ona ine of credit to help her get thoguh school, and she is expecting me to take full responsibility for... another are in which i refuse to give in about. not only that but she wants me to take full responsability of all credit card debt.
> 
> so at this point im ata loss i do not want her to get a dime of money from me, i unforntualy dont have the luxury of having my parent buy mea laywer like hers have, so im not sure how to play this moving forward, i hada week to look things over and come back witha counter, but i already know there is no bargaining with her, in terms of her behavior wit the taxes, so for those whove been through this what teps can i take to protect myself? i know that California its all about business, so how can i go about doing this to where i can protect myself?


California is the worst for alimony, while I understand why you want her to have none of your money take your emotions out of this for a moment. Is 15k reasonable or not that bad of a deal? If you get stuck with alimony payments she can haul you back into court in the future and drag this out seemingly forever. Fighting with her now you can easily blow tons of cash in legal fees chasing nonsense. 

Take your emotions out for a minute, 15k and she goes away and can't take you back to court for more later. It puts an end to this and you can move on with your life. if it's not a bad deal for you cut your loses.


----------



## SadSamIAm

honcho said:


> California is the worst for alimony, while I understand why you want her to have none of your money take your emotions out of this for a moment. Is 15k reasonable or not that bad of a deal? If you get stuck with alimony payments she can haul you back into court in the future and drag this out seemingly forever. Fighting with her now you can easily blow tons of cash in legal fees chasing nonsense.
> 
> Take your emotions out for a minute, 15k and she goes away and can't take you back to court for more later. It puts an end to this and you can move on with your life. if it's not a bad deal for you cut your loses.


I was thinking the same thing. Especially if the OP makes 3 times what she makes (I think he mentioned that). Not sure his lawyer is giving the best advice in regards to how the debts, assets, etc will be divided.


----------



## Bestofme

so more ofa ****ed up update...meeting went worse than i thought....

looking like due to making to much that she is entitled to 15k, this is based on the fact that we had separate accounts AnD SINCE I HAD THE BETTER JOB and made more than her, and had more money in my bank account after we were married.( we had separate bank accounts) and the difference with the total i had before marriage and during was the 14k. in addition and her lawyer did not request my pension, which i guess she could get half of. according to my lawyer this isa good deal considering that her lawyer if i reject the offer is going to ask for pension papers or the qdro paperwork. according to her this would not only cost me a lot more in terms of attorneys fees, but this offer was also made because her lawyer seems to be wanting to wash his hands of my ex due to be caught up in a few lies and being petty for material items. so at this point, i am unsure as to what to do next i have until may 6th to choose if i want to agree or disagree,. 

my goal was to ensure i never had to pay her due to it looks like i may have to pay her, and get stuck with all the bills in order to save my retirement, and ensure she can get half. so to sum it up the offer according to my lawyer this offer is good because i would be owning her more money, and if her laywer went afer my pension she would be getting it due to my retirement being much more than hers.


----------



## Bestofme

honcho said:


> California is the worst for alimony, while I understand why you want her to have none of your money take your emotions out of this for a moment. Is 15k reasonable or not that bad of a deal? If you get stuck with alimony payments she can haul you back into court in the future and drag this out seemingly forever. Fighting with her now you can easily blow tons of cash in legal fees chasing nonsense.
> 
> Take your emotions out for a minute, 15k and she goes away and can't take you back to court for more later. It puts an end to this and you can move on with your life. if it's not a bad deal for you cut your loses.




this seems spot on with what you said, im more pissed that i have to pay her anything, alimony is off the table she can get it due to being married 4 years, but my laywer is saying that she is an idiot of is only thinking of wanting money right now, and not long term of what she can make. but due to the offer from her laywer saying that the will exam my pension next this deal may be a good one. oh and she still wants her toaster and oven back....


----------



## Bestofme

Chuck71 said:


> Bestofme..... California huh! How long were you M? Don't they still have that dumbass law where if you
> 
> were M over 10 years the spouse gets lifetime alimony? It's nothing but a $ grab for her and she was
> 
> the b1tch who cheated. Go ahead and cheat, if you get caught, take the poor schit to the cleaners
> 
> in court. And M rates continue to decline.... Wonder why *eyeroll*
> 
> I see nothing wrong with the church being involved in your M but the government..... should GTFO.




it was 4 years, and i agree CA isa joke when it comes to situations like this, bad enough her mom and dad are paying for the laywer, and yea i agree the days of marriages like my grandparents who are at 60 years are dead, community state laws make it to easy to get married and take someone to the cleaners, regardless of what happened, sad really.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Bestofme said:


> this seems spot on with what you said, im more pissed that i have to pay her anything, alimony is off the table she can get it due to being married 4 years, but my laywer is saying that she is an idiot of is only thinking of wanting money right now, and not long term of what she can make. but due to the offer from her laywer saying that the will exam my pension next this deal may be a good one. oh and she still wants her toaster and oven back....


I dont blame you for being pissed about giving her money, but as Honcho mentioned, just think $15k and she is gone. Why is divorce so expensive, because its worth it.


----------



## Chuck71

Bestofme said:


> this seems spot on with what you said, im more pissed that i have to pay her anything, alimony is off the table she can get it due to being married 4 years, but my laywer is saying that she is an idiot of is only thinking of wanting money right now, and not long term of what she can make. but due to the offer from her laywer saying that the will exam my pension next this deal may be a good one. oh and she still wants her toaster and oven back....


You are paying for her to leave.... and she knows it. Your attorney fees alone will mount if you

pass on this deal. I totally get you not wanting to pay her a dime. But you are handcuffed by the system.

Her lawyer wants this over and warned your pension is next if you don't take the deal.

You want this over ASAP with minimal loss. Here's your chance.


----------



## honcho

Bestofme said:


> this seems spot on with what you said, im more pissed that i have to pay her anything, alimony is off the table she can get it due to being married 4 years, but my laywer is saying that she is an idiot of is only thinking of wanting money right now, and not long term of what she can make. but due to the offer from her laywer saying that the will exam my pension next this deal may be a good one. oh and she still wants her toaster and oven back....


When my brothers first marriage ended his ex only thought of here and now and not of long term, I think she decided she wanted 5k and a ridiculous low number for child support cause she couldn't wait to run off to the new soul mate. He didn't have the money, had just graduated college and started new job. He told our dad what she wanted and of course he was grumbling about it and the unfair end etc etc. 

Dad listened, reached across his desk and wrote him a check for 5k and said this will be the best money you ever spend, get her gone.

To make a long story short, the day divorce was final the new Mr perfect dumps her as he didn't want to be stuck with her now that she was a free woman. Dumped her on the courthouse steps actually immediately after the hearing. A couple years later my brother is making 6 figures he's got a sweetheart deal on child support that was ironclad in the court eyes. She was miserable living in a trailer park, knocked up again living with some lost cause. 

Dad was right, best 5k he ever spent......


----------



## Bestofme

bit of any update, so after my last post ive been speaking with my laywer about the payment that i would ow my ex, and all that fun stuff involved....

so ive donea great job at ignoring or avoiding my ex wife since januray....

of course back in may she tried texting with little empty bubbles and i ignored..... even hada incent where she waited for me anda female co worker ata grocery store, and she waited for use to leave, while my co mentioned..." oh she wants a show.... so she holds my hand and kiss me in fornt of my ex.....

so last weeka i geta message of 

Hey can we talk?

i respond what do you want define talk, it only bring negativey...

so she goes on with serious of texts....

*i meant " talk" negativity and pain is what you associate with me, well i associate failure and pain with you, but this isnt what i want to do...i wangt to sy that im truly sorry for so many things but also i am wondering if it is indded what you want at this point why things are ata stand still, there is no clourse with us, we are still married why is that....*

i just tell her sorry over text, doesnt mean much....

her respones...*thats why i asked if we could talk*

so i bait, and ask what do you have in mind what does you wanna talk mean

her respone *well what would you be willing to do? what do you want?*

i tell her i think of talking with bher but it be till next week

her final response...*ok then get a hold of me when you have an answer thanks take care hun*

so at this point, I'm like wtf why all of a sudden, from the person who cheated, then went after money to all of a sudden wanting to meet with me? I've had a friends say its been almost a year this is the time where cheaters come running back, as for forgiveness or even find out the grass isnt always greener.... at this point im not sure how to go about this.... i agree many people say just ignored her, or it wont be the same going back....ive stalled to try and money needed to pay her back....fora person who started this divorce i dont get why all of a sudden she wants to talk.....im sure many of you have gone through this so just thought id get advice.


----------



## skerzoid

Bestofme said:


> so at this point, I'm like wtf why all of a sudden, from the person who cheated, then went after money to all of a sudden wanting to meet with me? I've had a friends say its been almost a year this is the time where cheaters come running back, as for forgiveness or even find out the grass isnt always greener.... at this point im not sure how to go about this.... i agree many people say just ignored her, or it wont be the same going back....ive stalled to try and money needed to pay her back....fora person who started this divorce i dont get why all of a sudden she wants to talk.....im sure many of you have gone through this so just thought id get advice.


Bestofme:

1. *Talk to your lawyer.* Find out her opinion.

2. *Are you ever going to forgive her?* She still shows you disrespect "well i associate failure and pain with you". 

3. *If so, what makes you think she has changed?*

4. *Was she released by the school district?*

5. *What happened to the OM?* Did he get grounded by his folks?

6. She kissed him in front of her class? *Are you kidding? * I've been an educator for 50 years and I've never even heard of that!

7. *You need to actually get out and date, not put on a show with a co-worker.* Get some strange. She had a love affair and she sees you kiss a co-worker and suddenly, "Can we talk?"

8. *Women are attracted to strength, courage, and decisive action.* Make that your "New Me". *Stay angry. Make her crawl.*


----------



## Marc878

Ignore her if you're smart


----------



## Bestofme

Marc878 said:


> Ignore her if you're smart


i think after all the crap she is done, why now is she trying to get a hold of me, all of sudden she is sorry for so many things? makes no sense.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Omg she’s not sorry. This is all a big bull**** act. She wants something from you, she wants to use you for... who knows what. Plan B probably. Don’t talk to her, back out of it and cut contact unless needed for your kids. Don’t fall for this crap. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine

Bestofme said:


> bit of any update, so after my last post ive been speaking with my laywer about the payment that i would ow my ex, and all that fun stuff involved....
> 
> so ive donea great job at ignoring or avoiding my ex wife since januray....
> 
> of course back in may she tried texting with little empty bubbles and i ignored..... even hada incent where she waited for me anda female co worker ata grocery store, and she waited for use to leave, while my co mentioned..." oh she wants a show.... so she holds my hand and kiss me in fornt of my ex.....
> 
> so last weeka i geta message of
> 
> Hey can we talk?
> 
> i respond what do you want define talk, it only bring negativey...
> 
> so she goes on with serious of texts....
> 
> *i meant " talk" negativity and pain is what you associate with me, well i associate failure and pain with you, but this isnt what i want to do...i wangt to sy that im truly sorry for so many things but also i am wondering if it is indded what you want at this point why things are ata stand still, there is no clourse with us, we are still married why is that....*
> 
> i just tell her sorry over text, doesnt mean much....
> 
> her respones...*thats why i asked if we could talk*
> 
> so i bait, and ask what do you have in mind what does you wanna talk mean
> 
> her respone *well what would you be willing to do? what do you want?*
> 
> i tell her i think of talking with bher but it be till next week
> 
> her final response...*ok then get a hold of me when you have an answer thanks take care hun*
> 
> so at this point, I'm like wtf why all of a sudden, from the person who cheated, then went after money to all of a sudden wanting to meet with me? I've had a friends say its been almost a year this is the time where cheaters come running back, as for forgiveness or even find out the grass isnt always greener.... at this point im not sure how to go about this.... i agree many people say just ignored her, or it wont be the same going back....ive stalled to try and money needed to pay her back....fora person who started this divorce i dont get why all of a sudden she wants to talk.....im sure many of you have gone through this so just thought id get advice.


Why are you even engaging with her? Tell her you will pay the money, she can talk to your lawyer, you have nothing more to say. Do not get hoovered into her drama.


----------



## Openminded

You could be Plan B.


----------



## Chuck71

Bestofme said:


> bit of any update, so after my last post ive been speaking with my laywer about the payment that i would ow my ex, and all that fun stuff involved....
> 
> so ive donea great job at ignoring or avoiding my ex wife since januray....
> 
> of course back in may she tried texting with little empty bubbles and i ignored..... even hada incent where she waited for me anda female co worker ata grocery store, and she waited for use to leave, while my co mentioned..." oh she wants a show.... so she holds my hand and kiss me in fornt of my ex.....
> 
> so last weeka i geta message of
> 
> Hey can we talk?
> 
> i respond what do you want define talk, it only bring negativey...
> 
> so she goes on with serious of texts....
> 
> *i meant " talk" negativity and pain is what you associate with me, well i associate failure and pain with you, but this isnt what i want to do...i wangt to sy that im truly sorry for so many things but also i am wondering if it is indded what you want at this point why things are ata stand still, there is no clourse with us, we are still married why is that....*
> 
> i just tell her sorry over text, doesnt mean much....
> 
> her respones...*thats why i asked if we could talk*
> 
> so i bait, and ask what do you have in mind what does you wanna talk mean
> 
> her respone *well what would you be willing to do? what do you want?*
> 
> i tell her i think of talking with bher but it be till next week
> 
> her final response...*ok then get a hold of me when you have an answer thanks take care hun*
> 
> so at this point, I'm like wtf why all of a sudden, from the person who cheated, then went after money to all of a sudden wanting to meet with me? I've had a friends say its been almost a year this is the time where cheaters come running back, as for forgiveness or even find out the grass isnt always greener.... at this point im not sure how to go about this.... i agree many people say just ignored her, or it wont be the same going back....ive stalled to try and money needed to pay her back....fora person who started this divorce i dont get why all of a sudden she wants to talk.....im sure many of you have gone through this so just thought id get advice.


What she is telling you is "if YOU apologize for HER cheating.....she just might throw you

a bit of crumbs and see how you re-act." She wants you, when she wants you......and she doesn't want you

when she doesn't feel like it. I do hope you ignore her reaches and move on with your life's work.


----------



## turnera

Bestofme said:


> i think after all the crap she is done, why now is she trying to get a hold of me, all of sudden she is sorry for so many things? makes no sense.


My guess is it's a legal maneuver and she sees some way to get some more money out of you - maybe if she proves you wanted to be with her, or showed affection to her, etc., she can use that in court somehow. Or maybe there's some time limit after which, if she can delay long enough, she gets more of your money. Is there something after 5 years?

She's a viper. Never forget that. NO CONTACT for your own well-being. Just stay neutral until all the papers are signed.


----------



## Kamstel

Just wanted to check in on you.

Have you scheduled the big talk yet?
I don’t see any up side for you agreeing to meet, but I do Wish you nothing but luck.


Hang in there and stay strong.


----------



## Bestofme

well a bit of an update

i got to the place where i was ok with talking with her without a laywer, ready to move on, ready to just end this.....on my last update i posted how she all ofa sudden wanted totalk with me, calling my hun, acting like a mature, as many of you said she was just playing a role becuase she wanted somthing. serval times i told her im willing to talk let me know what works for you. 

she finally texted me back telling me her mid set at the time was to talk with me, but now as she said, you wanted laywers fine go through laywers. 

so at this point im stuck, i dont have the 15k needed to make her go away, i no longer have the money to pay for my laywer, plus i dont think my laywer has done a great job thus far.

so what options do i have , she has her parents paying for her laywer, i already know i cant go that route. im ready to move forward in my life, while it seems my gold digging wife is well just that money hungry. 

what will happen if i drop my laywer? what steps do i have to take to protect myself knowing she will keep hers?

will i need to finda new cheaper lawyer?


----------



## SadSamIAm

Bestofme said:


> well a bit of an update
> 
> i got to the place where i was ok with talking with her without a laywer, ready to move on, ready to just end this.....on my last update i posted how she all ofa sudden wanted totalk with me, calling my hun, acting like a mature, as many of you said she was just playing a role becuase she wanted somthing. serval times i told her im willing to talk let me know what works for you.
> 
> she finally texted me back telling me her mid set at the time was to talk with me, but now as she said, you wanted laywers fine go through laywers.
> 
> so at this point im stuck, i dont have the 15k needed to make her go away, i no longer have the money to pay for my laywer, plus i dont think my laywer has done a great job thus far.
> 
> so what options do i have , she has her parents paying for her laywer, i already know i cant go that route. im ready to move forward in my life, while it seems my gold digging wife is well just that money hungry.
> 
> what will happen if i drop my laywer? what steps do i have to take to protect myself knowing she will keep hers?
> 
> will i need to finda new cheaper lawyer?


You are wasting money on lawyers. You made 3 times what she made throughout your marriage. $15,000 to get out of the marriage is a bargain. Do whatever you can to get the money and settle!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

I feel like it would be a bad idea to let go of your lawyer.


----------



## Steelman

Jeeze- dig up 15K from somewhere and move on. Even if you use a cash advance on a credit card. Sell a car. Go to the bank. $15K isn't that much when you have the rest of your life.


----------



## Chuck71

SadSamIAm said:


> You are wasting money on lawyers. You made 3 times what she made throughout your marriage. $15,000 to get out of the marriage is a bargain. Do whatever you can to get the money and settle!


Sad and Steel are 110% correct. What she is telling you is "For 15k, you can pay me to go away"

A check means more to her, than you do. When you select a mate after you are through with your

XW.... pick the opposite of her. Then you should be okay. Your XW reminds me of mine.

A few months after our D was final, she suddenly met her "soulmate" Moved 500 miles away, 

left her kid (was over 18) behind when he honestly needed her, to move in with a guy who claimed 

to be a pilot. He was on disability and wanted someone to take care of him.

Three years went by, (from what was said) he died suddenly. As she was milking the sympathy for

all she could.....not even a week after his death, she was on Match looking for her next....soulmate.

She couldn't find anyone there so she merrily put up a Go-Fund me account to move back 'home'

and when she arrived, set up another to get furniture. Of course she tried to re-connect with someone.

Take a guess who that was LOL..... Didn't work, I was beyond through with her. I knew she was a sad

and miserable person but her actions after that guy's death....showed me how much 

lower she could go.

I can easily see your XW doing this


----------



## honcho

Bestofme said:


> well a bit of an update
> 
> i got to the place where i was ok with talking with her without a laywer, ready to move on, ready to just end this.....on my last update i posted how she all ofa sudden wanted totalk with me, calling my hun, acting like a mature, as many of you said she was just playing a role becuase she wanted somthing. serval times i told her im willing to talk let me know what works for you.
> 
> she finally texted me back telling me her mid set at the time was to talk with me, but now as she said, you wanted laywers fine go through laywers.
> 
> so at this point im stuck, i dont have the 15k needed to make her go away, i no longer have the money to pay for my laywer, plus i dont think my laywer has done a great job thus far.
> 
> so what options do i have , she has her parents paying for her laywer, i already know i cant go that route. im ready to move forward in my life, while it seems my gold digging wife is well just that money hungry.
> 
> what will happen if i drop my laywer? what steps do i have to take to protect myself knowing she will keep hers?
> 
> will i need to finda new cheaper lawyer?


Borrow against your retirement account or take the tax hit cash in some of it and pay her. If you drop your lawyer you will get your clock cleaned and her lawyer can go for blood. 

Your in a horrible state and in a horrible negotiating position for divorce. Cut your losses, take the hit and consider yourself lucky this only costs 15k and some lawyer fees.


----------



## bandit.45

What a bloodsucking leech. 

Jeez...


----------



## Bestofme

so a bit of a update so i had accepted the proposal of what my ex was askng for, based on the advice a lot of you have given me,

well my wonderful ex has changed everything not only is she asking for 15k but she also wants me to pay for her laywer... i guess the retainer for her lawyer is 10k.....and her parents have been paying for him.\

not only that but i can't afford my lawyer anymore, so looks like ill be representing myself. after speaking with her this is moving forward, so either meditation or something else is going to happen and im not sure. hada hearing on the 4th where her lawyer asked for these items. saying I took to long and im drawing this out.

if im being honest i dont come from money, my parents dont have money, and i know they can ask for whatever and doesn't mean they will get it... but at this point im kinda lost, what steps should i take now? should i look at getting a paralegal? should i run for the hill? i did send a proposal that ive yet to get a response for, but at this point, i know she won't accept, her and her parents after money.....so ladies and gentlemen what should i do?


----------



## Kamstel

Jesus that sucks!

How often do you look at her and just think yourself who is this woman? How could I’ve ever even liked her let alone love her?

I wish I had some advice for you.

Good luck, and stay strong


----------



## Bestofme

everyday, two weeks ago she called my father and asked him to talk to to tell me i should accept her proposal,and not consider counter proposal or it will cost me more money, she drives by my house while im doing yard, and tries to call me, when days earlier she told her lawyer she has no wishes to talk with me.... 

she is drama, this is just crazy, and personally im ready to move forward with my life, and put this to an end.


----------



## jlg07

Do whatever to KEEP your lawyer. Just because they asked for you to pay her fees doesn't mean you need to.
Have YOUR lawyer go for the absolute minimum and NOT put up with all this extra BS charges.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You CANNOT be without an attorney!


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## Bestofme

my lawyer already gave my court documents to let her go, she had told me she know that i can afford her anymore, that if i need her for court prcoeeding she can go, but the other work they may require will cost money, while her parents are paying for her laywer , im on my own i know i cant be on my own, so do i find a cheaper lawyer? i know a paralegal cant do much. but what aremy options then?


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## Chuck71

Bestofme said:


> so a bit of a update so i had accepted the proposal of what my ex was askng for, based on the advice a lot of you have given me,
> 
> well my wonderful ex has changed everything not only is she asking for 15k but she also wants me to pay for her laywer... i guess the retainer for her lawyer is 10k.....and her parents have been paying for him.\
> 
> not only that but i can't afford my lawyer anymore, so looks like ill be representing myself. after speaking with her this is moving forward, so either meditation or something else is going to happen and im not sure. hada hearing on the 4th where her lawyer asked for these items. saying I took to long and im drawing this out.
> 
> if im being honest i dont come from money, my parents dont have money, and i know they can ask for whatever and doesn't mean they will get it... but at this point im kinda lost, what steps should i take now? should i look at getting a paralegal? should i run for the hill? i did send a proposal that ive yet to get a response for, but at this point, i know she won't accept, her and her parents after money.....so ladies and gentlemen what should i do?


I think.....in her weird F'ed up thought process, she is wanting to bankrupt you or make you think so

to try and have you take her back to avoid financial ruin. And rugsweep everything.

Her family has money.... she doesn't "want" for things.


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## Chuck71

Bestofme said:


> my lawyer already gave my court documents to let her go, she had told me she know that i can afford her anymore, that if i need her for court prcoeeding she can go, but the other work they may require will cost money, while her parents are paying for her laywer , im on my own i know i cant be on my own, so do i find a cheaper lawyer? i know a paralegal cant do much. but what aremy options then?


Check out legal aid in your county. They base fees off your income. What your STBXW is also wanting to do

is try to bankrupt you if you don't take her back. That's her punishment to you. If you dropped one

hint of possible R with her, she would pounce on it. Tell her you want to R and date AFTER the D

and drop the amount she is asking for by at least 75%. If she goes for it (who knows), after the D,

kick her to the curb.


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## jlg07

Just tell her that if she continues to try to bleed you dry, you will file for bankruptcy (check with your lawyer first).
Take a loan, take it out of your retirement, whatever you need -- you CAN'T go against her lawyer by yourself -- you need legal representation.
Can you see if there is a legal aid office and get a lawyer through them?


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## Bestofme

so good news talking with my attorney even though she technically isnt my attonrey undera retainer, she will still over look an documents that my ex laywer may send so im covered at that point, also i was told if they do ask anything make her laywer pay for it, so I just have to ask please drafta coy and send it to me for review. the good thing about this is can can go to just about anyone. 

as of today its a waiting game, im still waiting to hear about the proposal i sent, will she take it i highly doubt it, but ask may of you said sometimes need to just give things up.....so im willing to give her 5k, take on her student loan, take all credit card debi, let her keep the car we were given asa gift, and let her keep all that she took......and i ask for nothing but to get this divorce done. so hopefully, i mean they can't take money I don't have right?

so will see what happens next settlement is oct 30th but at the end of the day her attorney can ask for whatever, it doesn't happen without my signature...even my attorney said they see it every day, and well karma does happen...


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## Lostinthought61

why the hell would you take her student debt...i would push back on that...if you pick up her debt you should get some of her salary with that degree..i call bs on that.


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## Bestofme

im doing it so i can avoid the 15k, that she wants from the the debt is 3k, if it avoids having to pay her then im ok with it, plus my name is on the loan asa co signer

i cant give money i dont have, plus i rather handle it that way then have to deal with her.


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