# Sticky  Post your experiences with professional counseling



## Chris H.

This new section is for people to post their experiences and Q&A's regarding professional counseling. While I started "Talk About Marriage" as a way for people to get feedback from others and support others going through relationship problems, I'm still someone who strongly believes in the counseling profession. 

At the same time, I recognize that not everyone's experience is always positive, and my experience is limited to individual therapy - not relationship or marriage counseling.

For me, seeing a professional therapist has been an incredibly rich experience where I learned a lot more about myself and my family. It helped me to see "the big picture" of things that were going on in my life, while at the same time helping me to change simple behaviors that were not conducive to my happiness or becoming the person I wish to become.

I hope others will post their experience as well.


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## Blanca

Individual counseling has had its ups and downs for me. I actually had one counselor tell me if I held a rock he found in a 'sacred' grove that I would start to feel better. Needless to say, I did not go back. I had another counselor introduce me to boundaries, though, which I think is what saved my marriage.

I really like the counselor I have now. She puts it in perspective for me. I was telling her of an incident between my H and I and how he was being such a jerk but by the end of the story she just looked at me and said, "Ok. So who was _really_ being the jerk?" She was right.

Counseling has really helped my H. He's starting to make really good progress dealing with his anger and depression.


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## MsStacy

Marriage counseling is helping us to communicate. We seem to dredge up old stuff and go round and round in circles on our own. Our counselor is able to help us stay on topic. She has helped us push past our personal limitations. She challenges us to come out of our safe/comfort zones. It took us a couple tries to find the counselor that worked for both of us but it has been well worth it.


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## wonder

marriage counciling was worthless for us. the therapist only either read from a book, twisted our words around to make us fight, or accuse my husband of being an alcoholic. now he won't even consider going to a different therapist


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## Debby

We have just had a telephone conversation with a councilor. He asked me where I was in the marriage at this time. I told him that I am ready to move out. He asked us both to write down what we feel is wrong in our relationship, email it to him and then we will make a date to see him. I thought I knew what our problems are/were, but seeing it in writing makes one feel so stupid! My views differ so much from my husbands. The councilor told me that he has a 100% success rate... and I should wait for our session before I make any further decisions. I am wondering if councilling works. I really do not want to go on with this partnership. I will be better off all round getting a divorce. Financially, emotionally and physically.


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## humpty dumpty

I never knew quiet how much i needed grief counseling after a stillbirth until my brother passed a way to ,It made me realize just how much i wouldnt allow myself to share how i was feeling inside i cried for 4 complete sessions.
family counseling has been fantastic for me and my husband our 2 boys and now my brother 2 girls showing us how we can move fowards together,
id say give it a go you have nothing to loseand so much to gain


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## 2crazy4her

Has anyone tried counseling to help with a controlling issue and if so what have some of the common factors in making someone a controlling type of person?

Thanks


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## preso

I have never had good experiences with counseling in the few times I tried to get some during my life. It always turned up of the therapist wanting to share their lives with me and all their problems... I found more help in self help books and that is where I found the most help. In person one on one counseling I found the therapists to mostly be unhelpful and I was not going and paying to hear about their problems , I was seeking help with mine.
Also, once about 15 years ago when I went for some counseling, the therapist asked me if I would date him or go on a date. I was mortified.


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## Country Girl

I've had a wonderful experience with my current therapist. I wish I had met her years ago! It is just a matter of finding the right counselor for you! Heck, my counselor is available to me all the time. I'm free to call or e-mail her also. She has no office staff, so it's always a warm and personal feeling at her office.


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## rsucks

_


mommy22 said:



It's amazing the difference the right counselor can make. I went for grief counseling years ago. I just cried through every session and she gave no feedback to help me through. 

However, my marriage counseling was much different. We went to a different center. He thoughtfully listened to each of us and gave us homework. He gave us constructive and objective advice . He didn't hold back in his opinion of what was best for us. He was unbiased as well. He didn't pit us against each other and seemed most concerned in focus on the future and how to make our marriage stronger. He really didn't focus on our past mistakes all that much. He gave us tools to work through hurdles and trudge forward. He helped save our marriage in many ways (although we were already determined to do so (which makes a big difference)). 

We sought a counselor who specialized in marriage counseling. It's good to seek someone with credentials who specializes in your specific needs. 

I almost didn't go to marriage counseling because of my previous experience and horror stories I had heard from others. I'm glad I gave it a go.

Click to expand...

_*Views on Marriage Counselling:*

_Just a word on "couple counselling" and how it can be divisive. Views of others on the forum both receiving counselling as well as professional counsellors would be welcome as I really can't understand what this counsellor was thinking of - read on!.....
_

We used a famous national UK service which declared itself as a marriage/couple counselling service. In total we had 4 sessions, of which two were as a couple and two were just my wife.

The first solo session with my wife was by mutual agreement between all three of us and only because I was due to go up to our old house and organise removals and we didn't want to lose the slot so agreed my wife would meet up on her own. Indeed, the counsellor said that solo sessions were really not what they were about but this once, give our circumstances, she would do it.

At this solo session, for some inexplicable reason, my wife and the counsellor agreed to meet up again without me. This was despite the fact that at the same time, my wife was taking separate and individual professional support sessions at a similar cost to the "couple counselling" sessions. It was arranged despite the counsellors earlier cautions about seeing one partner on their own, and seemed entirely inconsistent and inexplicable. Didn't help that in this organisation, you couldn't communicate with the counsellor directly, but only via a pretty abrupt desk clerk.

The fact that this 4rth session was arranged completely without consultation with me made me lose faith completely in the counsellor. I asked my wife if she felt fearful which not surprisingly she answered "no" to as we have never had shouting match type arguements, and of course there has never been any violence of any sort whatsoever.

My wife still can't explain why she agreed to the second solo session - indeed, it only occurred to her that I might feel it unfair when I mentioned it specifically - but how could it be fair for one side of the couple to be getting two professional sessions a week, and the other partner to be getting no support whatsoever?

We're still on shaky ground, but seeking support from a different counsellor - and trying to get money back from the original one to help pay for it.

But both parties should be aware that if a supposed "couple counsellor" suggests seeing the same one partner more than once in a row, it can make the other party feel pretty hard done by and unless for a very good reason (eg. good reason to fear for safety) should be viewed with caution.

E-mail replies aswell as posts very welcome!


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## SaxonMan

I've had mixed results with counsellors. I went to one once for a month or so, and it was mildly useful, but very expensive.

I've just recently stopped couples counselling. I found that she just didn't have the gumption to tell us what we needed to hear. She was so busy being impartial and non-confrontational that she really was no good to us whatsoever. Either/both of us needed to be told what we were doing wrong. We were basically paying for someone to witness our arguments.


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## vgbk

Me and H started couple therapy last week with an ACSW and she described me as a person who needs control over everything around me so I wont fall apart. Is it right for her to point that out in first session. H totally agreed that I was that way. Will this help or further separate us permanately


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## airplane

Not all counselors are good, there are more bad one's than good. My wife and I have been going to marriage counseling for over 3 years and I have been in group for the same amount and one on one. My wife started one on one also about a year ago after I asked her to go. 

I know that 50% of our problems are my fault. I know that God gave me my wife so I can find out about all the lousy stuff about myself. I know that I married a woman whom has the best and worst of what my Mother and Father were like.

Counseling has taught me that you fight tooth and nail to keep your marriage. If you have to stand buck naked in counseling and throw spit wads; then you do it!

Counseling has made me understand that intimacy was never on my radar and why. And now it is on my radar and I understand how important this is in a marriage. 

It was with counseling I was able to talk about my abuse as a child with my wife and my therapist. I would of never shared that with anyone without seeing how important trust is in a relationship.

Without counseling, no doubt I would be on my 3rd or 4th marriage instead of my first or worst I might be dead.


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## hurtnohio

Debby said:


> The councilor told me that he has a 100% success rate... and I should wait for our session before I make any further decisions.


I hope your counseling works out for you. But I really wonder about a counselor claiming a 100% success rate. Not trying to dim your hopes here, but that sounds unrealistic to me. Unless the guy has only counseled two couples and they're both doing fine.

It just seems to me that anyone who's been a counselor for very long at all is going to run into that one couple that just can't be helped. No fault of the counselor's but the partners in the marriage have to want to change, and not all do.

I hope I'm wrong. But a 100% success rate sounds a little fishy to me.


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## jayde

Maybe 100% means that both parties ended up happy. Maybe not with each other, but happy. ???


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## romantic_guy

It was the best thing we ever did for our relationship. We went originally because of some issues we were having with our teenage children, but it ended up helping our relationship greatly. The best part was taking the Myers/Briggs test. Turns out that we are opposite in 3 out of 4 areas. I am INFP and she is ISTJ (google it if you want to know more). It helped us to realize that the majority of disagreements in marriage are differences of opinion not issues of right and wrong.


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## accept

I have already posted a bit about my experiences on another thread. I have been to three marriage counsellors all women in my time. Only one was any good.
Their training may be ok for most people but for instance with me a different kind of solution was called for.
They believe their main job is to reconcile the couple and get them talking. They are not prepared to offer judgement saying you have to work things out for yourself. If sex is a problem they seem to thing that that is the last problem to sort out and all others come first. As though once all others are the penny drop and the sex will also fall into place. Not all men and woman will listen to reason. Some have the most stupid complaints which they never seem to forget. As though every person has to an angel. 
Their saying is there is no right and wrong in marriage.
In my case all this didnt work. The only good counsellor was the one who saw through my wife. She was very rough and fierce and told my wife in no uncertain terms (not in front of me) what she thought. She came out crying afterwards. As I wrote elsewhere my lifelone regret is that I couldnt stay with that counsellor.


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## Struggling4ever

I had a horrible experience in counceling! My wife had an ongoing PA with my best friend (or so I thought). I caught them on a cruise together. We went to therapy and I was told I had to take some blame and ownership. We also came up with the great idea that my wife must have been manipulated by this man (blame shifting), and then I was told if we want to stay married I needed to put this behind me and make a decision to move forward because every time I brought it up it was like sticking the knife in deeper and twisting it, killing her self esteem. (rug sweeping). Now 11 years later it has all resurfaced due to other issues and it is like it just happened yesterday! Even though we have shared a lot of good times, I never dealt with the pain or anger....I have had too many triggers (including my own name) and we are heading towards seperation. I am going to therapy on my own, but right now I don't understand how i could have ever let this all go? The betrayal was deep!


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## Lordhavok

my therapy was going nowhere, ic that is, I mean sure. I learned alot about me and how not to be so controlling. Other than my communication skills being for sh*t, not much they can do. Docs had me on all kinds of drugs, was taking 4 different ones daily. My therapist was a *********. He quit the job, never called, sent a letter, nothing. I understand that therapist dont get to personal with patients, but when you expose your deepest insecurities to someone? I just felt like case number 438, he just give my file a glance over 15 min before the session and thats that. I quit taking all of the meds and havent been back in 5 years, f**k that crap. Not trying to tell others here to do the same, just saying for myself, therapy is crap.


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## Struggling4ever

bandit.45 said:


> ZOMBIE THREAD!!!!!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^^What did you mean by Zombie thread???


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## Corpuswife

Just like any profession...there are good ones/bad ones and quacks! I am a counselor and I have attended counseling-yes even had a few quacks!

My recommendation is to get a recommentation (from a friend/family member) and try it out for about 3 sessions. If you don't feel movement or feel something is off-you can cut it off or present it to the counselor. A counselors role isn't to tell you how to live your life or judge. They shouldn't be sharing their stories/lives unless its beneficial for the client. 

Once you find a good therapist, it can open up your perspective and create a new way of living. However, you have to be open to the process.


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## accept

'A counselors role isn't to tell you how to live your life or judge'
That I think is what is wrong with counsellors today. Some men and women have to be told!
Hearing it from a counsellor can make all the difference. It may not be ideal but it can work rather than divorce.


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## arbitrator

STBXW already had an IC when we met several years ago. This lady also served as our MC. She was pretty decent except for one thing~ if you ever said anything bad about my wealthy STBXW to her, she would turn on you like clabbered milk!

This counselor definitely knew who was richly buttering her bread. Sensing that I wasn't being fairly or totally heard out by her, I just quit going!


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## Runs like Dog

My wife has fired every counselor, sued one and boxed another.


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## Womanofsteel

We tried marriage counseling, I would agree with other posts regarding trying more than one counselor or therapist. Ours was not the one for us. Who knows, we may try again, but we did not progress at all after our sessions and would leave so mad at each other that it was making things worse. I should add that we are currently separated but have made progress. I do recommend individual counseling if you are considering it. I think all counseling has potential, just wish we wouldn't have stuck it out so long with a poor match for us.


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## firebelly1

First marriage: we went to MC for two sessions, then I went to him by myself. At my IC session he told me I should get out. It was the push I needed. 

Second marriage: we went to two different MC's that didn't work for us. I was seeing an IC for a few years. My stbxh suggested we go to her for MC and she agreed. We had a few sessions, which I think were really good, but in the end, it didn't save our marriage. Just got us clear that we were not compatible. Which is a successful outcome I think.


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## WayUpNorth

My xw and I went to a marriage counselor (female) We had IC and couples appointments. Counselor wanted to see my x more often than me. She NEVER offered any helpful advice, books to read, things to try....NOTHING. All she ever did was listen, perhaps ask a question or two. When my X suddenly hauled butt the Counselor said, "Well, I didn't see that coming". 
It was a waste of money....and when our insurance finally covered most of the sessions which I had already paid for, the x got the check and never shared it with me. I got double screwed on that deal.


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## SleeplessInTO

We went to an MC who turned out to be a "life coach". Husband and I knew what was wrong and what we needed to do, she told us that neither of us had to do anything we did not want to do. Then she proceeded to ask each of us questions, soon the focus shifted on my stresses. All she ever did was make me talk. In the end, she suggested I seek therapy for some of the childhood issues I had (emotional abuse many girls in Asian families go through).

After 10 sessions, we got no tools, no books, no exercises, no follow-ups. And the bickering escalated into full blown arguments, withdrawals and now a demand for a divorce by my husband after nearly two decades of marriage. He now thinks that MC will never work, that I would never change. 

If I could report her incompetence now (6 years after using her services) to some regulatory board, I would.

I am going through Power of Two Marriage and reading Mort Ferkel which makes SO much more sense! I know behaviors can be changed if you know how. No mind games, no power plays, just basic knowledge of what your actions can do and how to stop and think before you inflict a hurt that you can't take back easily.


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## DCMarriageCounselor

Womanofsteel said:


> We tried marriage counseling, I would agree with other posts regarding trying more than one counselor or therapist. Ours was not the one for us. Who knows, we may try again, but we did not progress at all after our sessions and would leave so mad at each other that it was making things worse. I should add that we are currently separated but have made progress. I do recommend individual counseling if you are considering it. I think all counseling has potential, just wish we wouldn't have stuck it out so long with a poor match for us.


This has been my experience also. My wife and I have done several of the most popular "brands" of couples therapy and finding the right match is what ended up saving our marriage I'm convinced. 

I also run a large practice that specializes in couples therapy and I literally talk to close to a hundred couples per month seeking professional help. Most people don't ask questions about the kind of help we offer. It's like we're a 9-1-1 service and there's an implicit trust that if we're picking up the phone to answer the call we must be equipped to respond effectively. 

By %, most therapists offer couples counseling but also by % couples counseling is taught at very few counseling grad programs. That means the market is saturated with undertrained couples therapists. You MUST ask questions about experience and know what "training" means. Did they read a book about couples therapy? Attend a weekend workshop in 1998? Marriage therapy is the mount everest in our profession...it's not just normal counseling x2. It's a completely different beast. 

I wouldn't ask my general practice physician to do heart surgery and you have to also know the right questions to distinguish general practice counselors from couples specialists because for lots of reasons it's not obvious until the wheels are coming off the wagon after the fifth session.


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## billbird2111

I started to see a counselor as soon as my wife pulled away from me emotionally and I sensed I was losing her. I would cry in an isolated room in our house, for example. I knew she was pulling away. That's when I first contacted a counselor. She told me the following: "Let my wife be the person she wants to be." In other words, don't argue with her, don't whine and give her the freedom she wants. And so, I followed that advice. My wife continued to pull away from me. I no longer complained. I let her be the person she wanted to be and do the things she wanted to do. When she asked one Christmas for permission to start yoga classes, I said "sure, why not. And you really don't need my permission. If it makes you happy, please do it."

In reality, the yoga sessions allowed her to start having some hot and steamy hidden experiences with the man she was interested in. Her anger at me for giving her permission to do the things she wanted just continued to grow, as did the hostile treatment. She went to counseling with me once, where she announced to the counselor that there was "no one else," and she was "totally committed" to making the marriage work. But both responses were uttered in anger. I could tell. So did the therapist. I stopped seeing the therapist in February of last year. Three months later, my wife owned up to the affair I had long suspected and sliced my heart into tiny ribbons that night. She left the next day, never to return. I moved out of the house we shared three months later.

When my wife left, I texted the counselor to let her know that my wife's statement about "marriage commitment" was a sham, and the affair I had long suspected was true. I started to see her again. I still see her every other week. She helps. She helps a great deal. She doesn't have any magic answers. But she does help. She's helped me see my wife, or ex, for the person she truly is. I couldn't see it at first. Now I can. It was so simple, really. It doesn't mean we will ever reconcile. I've given up hope for that. But it does give me a clearer idea of why my ex did the things that she did. I stopped wondering why. I began to understand. We always want to look at who is at blame for the end of a relationship or marriage. Sometimes, there is no blame. There is no one thing. There is no "several things." It is simply this is the way it was, and this is what happened. No blame -- just answers.

Some people take a lifetime to experience the life-changing events of loss of a spouse, loss of family, loss of homes and job loss. I'm one of those unlucky turds who decided to cram all four experiences into a six month period. Talk about getting hit with a pile of bricks! More like a baby grand piano! Dropped on my head from the height of the International Space Station!

But, bottom line, counseling has worked for me. I'm better today because of the help I received. I still continue to see her too. I think I will keep this activity up for quite some time. There's nothing wrong with seeking help. There is something wrong with needing help, and not seeking it out.


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## NTA

accept said:


> 'A counselors role isn't to tell you how to live your life or judge'
> That I think is what is wrong with counsellors today. Some men and women have to be told!
> Hearing it from a counsellor can make all the difference. It may not be ideal but it can work rather than divorce.


Exactly. I was always looking out for what was reasonable. For example, my parents were always either getting me somewhere or picking me up. When you're mistreated in a situation and can't get out of it, like living with your family as a minor, you try normalize that behavior. I probably lost a few potential friends and opportunities by being late. 

Same as being called fat, "oh they mean nothing by it." Thanks, Dad.


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## NTA

I think about a few pivotal moments with a counsellor that reminds me of how useless and expensive and judgemental they can be. When I'm in the mood to write them out, I'll do it. 
I do recall on ChumpLady.com, one of the commentators to one of her blogs admitted that he is an MC and counselled against the back drop that "adultery is everybody's fault." When his marriage was stricken by adultery due to his wife's activities, After learning that turn of events, his ethos towards MC changed completely. Now why didn't he learn this during training?


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