# Fear of sex, but then get into it, what??



## Pinacle47 (Nov 30, 2012)

My marriage has some issues. Our sex life used to be amazing, yada yada, 8 years and 2 kids later and antidepressant that killed whatever shred of libido I had left. I literally fear having to have sex for no specific reason. I’m not really attracted to my husband anymore but I’m not revolted either... but on the occasions that I give in, I may cringe at the first touch, but I quickly get really into it. This happens just about every time. It’s hot sometimes, but there’s no real intimacy for me... I think for me it’s jyst satisfying the physical urge, although I can’t explain the long stretches of fearing it in between. I’m not interested in anyone else, if fact even watching sex scenes in TV kind of grosses me out most of the time. When I do want it, I generally just want to come pretty quickly and get back to bed. What’s going on? My libido isn’t totally dead, but I’m afraid of sex/intimacy... don’t know exactly what it means.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm not sure why you're getting a fear reaction, but antidepressants are well known to dampen libido. It might be worthwhile to ask your doctor about other options that don't have that side effect. Welbutrin might be an option. Also, it may be that you're having anxiety, either instead of or in addition to, your depression. Unaddressed anxiety can heighten fear responses, visceral reactions, OCD, etc. So that may explain the gross-out factor you're getting from even images of sex on television. Ask your doctor about the possibility. Oh, and hormonal birth control can crash your libido as well, so you might want to look into non-hormonal options such as an IUD. 

Also, that you aren't attracted to your husband and don't feel an intimate connection to him is likely a _huge_ part of this problem. You may even have developed a sexual aversion to him. The books _Lovebusters_ and _His Needs, Her Needs_, both by Willard Harley, may help. Essentially, you have fallen out of love with your husband - likely because your top emotional needs are not being met. Chances are pretty good that his needs aren't being met well either, so he may also not really be in love with you at this point. The books will give you a plan to rebuild that love. Read the books and start following what they say. See if you can get your husband on board as well. Improving your marriage and the emotional intimacy in it will probably do a lot to help you two create and sustain a mutually fulfilling sex life.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Also, you may have responsive desire. That is, you rarely have a spontaneous desire for sex, but if you consent to allow sex to happen, you find that once it gets going you enjoy it. Your desire for sex does not arise on its own, but it does arise in response to being sexually stimulated. Do some reading on responsive desire. It is quite common and normal to be that way. Maybe if you learned how you react, and that it is OK to be that way, you might not feel that sex is bad and wrong and that you should not allow it to begin unless and until you already feel desire.

Or maybe your H needs to hit the gym and start treating you better!

Anyway, good luck and I hope you resolve this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Pinacle47 said:


> My marriage has some issues. Our sex life used to be amazing, yada yada, 8 years and 2 kids later and antidepressant that killed whatever shred of libido I had left. I literally fear having to have sex for no specific reason. I’m not really attracted to my husband anymore but I’m not revolted either... but on the occasions that I give in, I may cringe at the first touch, but I quickly get really into it. This happens just about every time. It’s hot sometimes, but there’s no real intimacy for me... I think for me it’s jyst satisfying the physical urge, although I can’t explain the long stretches of fearing it in between. I’m not interested in anyone else, if fact even watching sex scenes in TV kind of grosses me out most of the time. When I do want it, I generally just want to come pretty quickly and get back to bed. *What’s going on?* My libido isn’t totally dead, but I’m afraid of sex/intimacy... don’t know exactly what it means.


In general what you describe would be that of a "responsive drive" in that you seem to respond very well to your husband once you allow yourself to be receptive to his advances.

As for the fear in between... there could be many causes. I'll focus on the fact that you mentioned that you are not attracted to your husband anymore, as perhaps you fear that he feels the same about you or that there is no more love in your marriage. If that is the case, then in my opinion this is just a manifestation of low self esteem combined with an awkward subconscious acceptance of having let go of your marriage. Yet you remain roommates, and having sex with someone you don't feel in love with will create a repulsive notion. 

I would strongly suggest you talk to your husband about how you feel and work together as a team on helping do whatever it takes to make each other feel loved. It is OK to tell your husband that you do not feel attracted to him. It is OK to tell your husband that you are afraid of sex. It is OK to tell your husband that sometimes you cringe a little when certain things happen. All these things are OK to tell your husband because those are things you want to ask him to help you with so that you can enjoy your marriage better. 

Perhaps this means he might need to take a shower just before intimacy or brush his teeth and extra time. Perhaps you might want to do the same if you feel self conscious about your body to help you relax.

Bottom line... talk to your husband and ask him to help you with this. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

badsanta said:


> (...not attracted to him....etc.)
> All these things are OK to tell your husband because those are things you want to ask him to help you with so that you can enjoy your marriage better.


I'm in agreement that discussing this is right and good. I just want to ask you to make sure that your husband understands this overall purpose behind why you might tell him you're not attracted to him.

I might suggest you "frame" these things in the discussion. It might be good to reassure him that you're not attracted to other men, either.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Pinacle47 said:


> My marriage has some issues. Our sex life used to be amazing, yada yada, 8 years and 2 kids later and antidepressant that killed whatever shred of libido I had left. I literally fear having to have sex for no specific reason. I’m not really attracted to my husband anymore but I’m not revolted either... but on the occasions that I give in, I may cringe at the first touch, but I quickly get really into it. This happens just about every time. It’s hot sometimes, but there’s no real intimacy for me... I think for me it’s jyst satisfying the physical urge, although I can’t explain the long stretches of fearing it in between. I’m not interested in anyone else, if fact even watching sex scenes in TV kind of grosses me out most of the time. When I do want it, I generally just want to come pretty quickly and get back to bed. What’s going on? My libido isn’t totally dead, but I’m afraid of sex/intimacy... don’t know exactly what it means.


Are you a CSA survivor?


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Can you explain your attraction issue? Curious... Is it something he's done or doing that actively is turning you off to him? What does the rest of your marriage look like? 

Trying to understand if there's a real reason for this vs. other contributing factors.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Some Anti-depressants have the side effect of causing anxiety. The 1st thing I would do is look in to that


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

This will be a stretch, but how did your pregnancies and delivery go. I ask because not a week ago I had a conversation with a good friend who is a OBGYN. He was talking about an interesting phenomenon he has noticed the past couple of years. He has had a few patients report feelings similar to yours and the common thing with these patients was they all had tough pregnancies and very tough deliveries, ie. significant tearing. 

I wonder if it could be possible that some women who have a tough time with delivery could have some sort of protective subconscious aversion to sex. 

This was clearly a small sample and was just women who had these feelings having this in common not that all the women or even a majority of women who had delivery issues had these feelings but it is interesting. The brain is a mysterious thing. 

Do you do anything to try to enhance the sexuality of your relationship aside from the physical act of intercourse. Do you and your husband flirt with each other, do you show basic affection, hugs, touching etc.. 

I am interested in what happened to your attraction to your husband, when did this occur? Was it something you can put your finger on? Did he gain a bunch of wait? Lose a lot of hair? Did any behaviors change?

I think marriage counseling is a great thing. My wife and I did a few sessions years back shortly after our second child. We didn't have any specific issues, a friend who is a therapist always talked about how great counseling is even for people without issues just to help focus on the marriage with all the craziness of small kids. We had a few sessions and we really just talked with the therapist about how important it is to keep your marriage a top priority and not just take it for granted. We really did come out with a new sense of purpose and motivation to always take time to focus on us as partners and lovers not just mom and dad. So what I found was even without focus on specific issues it helped us be more committed to maintaining our affection and romantic connection each other. We also put in place rules we live by no matter what based on things the counselor told us she found led to couples becoming disconnected. 

1. Once the kids are in bed we hangout with each other, no TV no devices, just us.
2. We have at least 20 nights a year just us no kids. This means trips just the two of us, nights away in the city, kids with grandparents and so on.
3. Regular date nights, once a week minimum. 
4. No more than 3 nights in a row without having sex. 

You are at a tough time for most marriages, 7-10 years in with small kids. It is a period of life when it becomes very easy to put your relationship on the back burner and stop seeing each other in a romantic/sexual way. People tend to put the husband/wife part last, it's a very common mistake we luckily avoided by taking our therapist friends advice and doing a few counseling sessions. You need to address your loss of attraction from different angles and with open loving communication with your husband.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Schedule an appointment immediately with a good sex therapist!*


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

TJW said:


> I'm in agreement that discussing this is right and good. I just want to ask you to make sure that your husband understands this overall purpose behind why you might tell him you're not attracted to him.
> 
> I might suggest you "frame" these things in the discussion. It might be good to reassure him that you're not attracted to other men, either.


ummmm.... OK so you suggest protecting his ego by having her claim that she is not attracted to men in general?

I can see so many things going wrong with that discussion. Perhaps it is better for her to say that she is not interested in finding anyone else, that she wants to make this relationship work.

In my opinion it is OK to be attracted to other people. That is normal. My wife and I compare notes all the time on our favorite hollywood stars. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Medication can cause all sorts of sexual problems. I'd suggest reading up on anything you are currently taking, and discussing with your doctor changing. Antidepressants are especially bad at causing sexual problems. 

Aside from that, I'd say that anytime someone has a fear that they wish they did not have, and which is irrational, then looking at therapy may be a good approach. (assuming that fear has a significant impact on your life).


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