# Marriage, Sex, Secret Spouse Fetishes



## lovinita (Sep 28, 2013)

Anyone find out fetishes after they were married? What did you do? Anyone in a sexless marriage? 

Me I am 43 year old women, My hubby and I were both virgins when we met. We got married. And we have been married for 15.5 years.

Before we got married, sex wasn't great. Hubby had a hard time maintaining erection once he wanted to come. So it lasted like 2-3 minutes. I give him BJs, and he would finger me; never give me oral sex.

I figured over time we would work through the issues.

Right before we got married he stopped any type of intercourse with me. He still fingered me. But fingering stopped about 9 years ago. He also stopped letting me give him BJs.

So basically no intercourse for 15 years. No masturbation for 9 years for me. And no masturbation for him for 15 years, not that I didn't try.

Then about 11 years ago I found out he was using a cathered up his pee hole to get off. I discovered this through a credit card charge that i looked up on the web. I do the finances.

I didn't say anything I let him be. Hoping once I discovered it he would stop.

2 years ago he started sleeping in the other bedroom. And has stayed there. He claimed it was because I wake him up when coming to bed. But then I think I discovered overall what the real truth was.

About 4-6 months ago. I discovered he wears diapers (as far as I know to bed). He accidently left his diaper on the counter. When I asked him if he was incontinent he said no. just like the feel of them.

A month goes by I then ask him some questions. I ask him if he goes in his diapers. He said yes but only #1. He said since he was a child he always like to wet his bed with something and sit in it.

I asked how long. he said he started wearing diapers right after we got married.

So I let it go.

But all the while I am horny over all these years, no sexual contact except with a vibrator.

Recently, I discovered as well he is still jacking off to the plastic tubing. So it is not like he is not horny or not wanting sexual pleasure.

He has other issues as well, like he talks baby talk alot, I have all the responsibility in the relationship. I do the cooking, cleaning, the grocery shopping, the paying of bills, finding/arranging/hiring/managing contractors for work on the house, taking care of our dogs, planning our retirement, doing the taxes, getting cash out, depositing the checks, buying his clothes (he is a bad dresser), buying his shoes (cause he doesn't want to), I took care of his grandmothers household when she was alive. I had to put down our dog alone cause he couldn't handle it. I mean the list goes on.

He wants everything his way. We have to go where he wants to vacation, the movies he is interested in, the music shows he wants to see. The restaraunts he likes.

You know I realize marriage is a give and take. But it feels like I am doing all the giving.

Don't get me wrong, there is stuff he puts up with me. I gained alot of weight due to metabolic issues and I just recently lost over 100 pounds.

And I thought for sure the sex would come back I am about 17 pounds from my wedding weight.

But he doesn't care. I got all dolled up to goto a concert, came home rubbed him, kissed him, told him I was horny. That I wanted him.

Nothing, not a single rise in his pecker.

Said he was tired. I said I don't do it for you anymore do I? he said I love you. I said that isn't what I asked. And he made a sad sound.

So he didn't deny that he was no longer physically attracted to me.

Yet he expects me to remain sexless.

For me there is dealing with personal differences or issues coming up together and making sure each other is happy. And being selfish and self centered all the time.

I feel he is being extremely selfish. Am I wrong?

We been to therapist about the other stuff (not sex cause I didn't know at the time). And the last time I mentioned a therapist he said he wasn't going to go to one anymore.

Snoping I discovered he has fetish for watching adults/children go under anesthetic. Hundreds of videos he watch on Youtube.

I also discovered he has been hiding alcohol in the basement (his man cave). And no I am not anti alcohol never been. But why the heck is he hiding it?

You know when I tried to kink it up as in wear sexy lingerie he said it felt dirty and didn't like it. When I talked about tying him up he was like no way. When I said you want to watch porn? he said no doesn't like it.

Honestly, I can't get into the diaper fetish because I don't want to be his mom. Nor do I want to feel like I am molesting a child.

And all this I still love and care for him. and I know he loves and cares for me to a degree.

But, I know this sounds weird and it is not a competition, I just don't think he loves me as much as I love him.

And I don't know if I can keep sacrificing for him.

I am at a cross roads...wondering peoples thoughts and experiences?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Run for the effing hills this dude is crazier than a $hit house rat! 8-0. I don't mean to sound harsh but I doubt you will ever have a normal sex life or marriage or anything even remotely close to one with a guy like this. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Do you guys have children?

I find it noteable the ways that we work around obsticles in our lives and are able to justify them in our minds so much that we come to believe them. I think all humans do this to am extent. I'm not without fault in my own life, so I am not one to judge.

Having said that - I'm putting aside all your husbands fetishes. Be who you are and all of that. There's a person for every fetish out there. Fine.

Even putting all of that (which he has hidden from you) aside you still paint a picture of a long term sexless marriage to a man who acts more like a child that you need to look after and care for. This does not sound like a marriage between two adults.

I notice that you did not mention why you are still with your husband. What keeps you there? Do you hold hope he will change or that your marriage will reach some point of equilibrium? You didn't state that he wants this. He seems fine with the situation as is. 

Is this how you care to spend your one sexual life?


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## lovinita (Sep 28, 2013)

Thanks Sbrown, I am fine with honesty... And you are probably right in the fact it will never be normal. Something I have to come to terms with and try and make a decision with the direction to go.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I know it's painful to hear but he's in the deep end in mental health. It sounds like he's not really a spouse to you, and has no intention to change that. Seems like he went down the path he thought he should follow and married you, but he's heart is not there. You are young you need to evaluate what you have with him because that's not a marriage.


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## lovinita (Sep 28, 2013)

MissScarlett, 

I made the decision to not have kids with him, cause of these issues and more.

I didn't want to be a single mom in a marriage where my hubby was also a child I was taking care of.

He can be sweet, kind, and loving when he wants to. He has a good heart.

But honestly, I am tired of people coming and going in my life. And I wanted to see this relationship work out.

Growing up family history or dysfunctions people get angry at each other or disapprove of each other and they quit speaking. It could be over something silly or serious. One person always holding out for an apology.

So, I guess in a way I am trying to not repeat behavior I saw as an example when I was younger.

And to be honest, I never really dated I was always goal driven. My experience in relationships is with him and only him.

So I have nothing to weigh it against. I don't know if my expectations are unrealistic, if I am being too judgmental, or not understanding enough. If this is the way guys are? Or people in general? I know marriages are difficult at times and there are hard times.

but it seems he has settled into this relationship being a certain way, and has quite trying in many aspects.

I was hoping we would meet in the middle somewhere. I guess I been expecting him to have the same capacity for compromising, flexibility, compassion and caring as I do for him.

He wants what? Sex with me? I would say from his actions he doesn't. And he hasn't asked me to share in his fetishes.

It may sound weird but everytime I think of leaving my heart breaks. But staying, I beginning to feel more and more empty inside.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You should consider individual counseling for you. I understand it's hard to know what's normal or what's not when you grew up in a dis functional home. Trust your instinct which is what brought you here.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

I second the advice for individual counseling for you. It seems like you need to sort out a lot of things from your childhood and from your marriage, as well as learn about how healthy marriages function, and what you can expect and demand from yours, should you choose to stay.

Your husband's fetishes, although not mainstream by any stretch, are not unheard of, either. Have you done any reading about them? I'm guessing there is information on the internet that you might find helpful and even illuminating. You might even find support from other spouses in similar situations as yours.

I was wondering if he ever asks you to participate, but then you mentioned that he does not. Are you physically intimate with him at all--hugging, kissing, holding hands, sitting close when you watch a movie, etc? He's moved out of your bedroom, so I suppose that's not a positive sign. 

It must be incredibly isolating to feel shut out from your husband's pursuit of sexual satisfaction. Do you think he feels isolated in his own way? Have you had any serious conversations about this with him?

I admire you for wanting to preserve your marriage, but I think you need help and guidance so you can decide if that is really in the best interest of your happiness and health.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Its possible that he saw this in you, that you would stay with him and try to work with what you had together.

I am the same age as you and have been in therapy this past year. Its really amazing how we can start out trying to be different than our childhood relationships and then oddly end up in the same kind of relationships that we set out to avoid.

Life is very strange that way.

I don't know you of course - but I would guess that you might fear being alone but also don't realize how alone you already are. Your future is open to having a man in your life who desires you and takes you to bed 2-3x/week and is responsible with bills and household duties. Who might make you breakfast on the weekends and then take you back to bed. It could happen!


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## lovinita (Sep 28, 2013)

GettingIt, 

I have read about the diaper fetish to a certain extent already. But honestly, have not found anything about the tubing up the pee hole or the fetish with being put under. he also likes to watch people change their ostomy bags. you know when they poop through stomach bags.

Overall, he can be very affectionate with touching, rubbing my back, ect... We do kiss but it is really not kissing it is pecking unless I initiate something more physically satisfying. And then it is a 50/50 shot if he acts like I am keeping him from something.

Movies the dogs are usually in between us but we hold hands.

Our cuddling is not like it use to be. It is more rigid alot of the times like he is putting in his time in the morning and then when the clock hits a certain time he gets up. He is on his side and I am on my side and his rubs my belly. It use to be much more integrated and intertwined.

And in case you are wondering he comes into the master bedroom with a blanket from the other bedroom he sleeps in once he takes a shower.

he is all about routine, he has his routine and he doesn't want to break from it.

I generally won't initiate anything more satisfying with kissing, cause I know it is not going anywhere anymore.

just like the other night I initiated and was rebuffed.

He used to be more physical but then he never follow through. He get me all horny, kissing my neck, my ear, rubbing me and then just stop. Leaving me hanging. Not even masturbation.

He was acting like a child and viewed me as a toy he could wind up and got off on that feeling he could have such an effect on me.

I told him about 6 years ago, unless he planned on following through with the fore play then don't do it. Cause it is horrible to get all horny with no place to go with it. I mean yeah you can self masturbate but honestly, after 35 years of doing that. It really doesn't cut it anymore.

I can't even carress him, like rub his arm or back with out getting all horny and that is how badly my sex drive has been muted. It is just building up.

Any conversations we have about it, he just says he doesn't have the energy. Or that for some reason having sex with me feels really wrong to him. he has stated that on more than one occasion.

But he uses the excuse of no energy for a multitude of things. He also uses the excuse he doesn't have time to talk to me about anything serious because he has x,y,z to do. X,Y,Z are usually pet projects like rebuilding a car or helping a buddy out.

recently, I told him I no longer wanted to hear him say he does not have enough time excuse, when it came to talking to me or doing something for me. If he had time to work on his 2nd car (yes he has 2 cars) all the time, then he can make time for me.

We always kiss eachother good bye and we always say I love you when ending a conversation when we are apart or when we are going to bed.

I honestly don't know if he feels isolated. I now I am trying.

The other day, I went to get him for lunch frm my work. Got all dolled up. That ended in him getting pissed, getting out of the car and walking back to his work for 3 miles. I left.

He basically was stressed out about something and took it out on me.

He came home, stayed down in his man cave not speaking to me. Came up about 9 PM and apologized.

Bought me a dozen read roses the next day. And since then has been lovey dovey.

2 days later I tried again, went and got him for lunch looking nice. And we had a good lunch and he thanked me.

But that pattern is in our relationship. It is like walking on eggshells sometimes. He gets all stressed out, frustrated, upset at whatever (nothing to do with me) picks a fight with me over something stupid. Gets me all upset and crying, then he cries and then he is all lovey dovey.

Almost makes me feeling like I am in a wacky form of an emotionally abusive relationship. 

But my experience is whicked limited with relationships, so I have no reference point.


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## lovinita (Sep 28, 2013)

MissScarlet,

You are right about being alone. I am very much alone in more ways than one. 

My thoughts also go to what if I don't realize what I have is as good as it gets. Meaning it could be worse and I won't find anything better.

That my expectations are too high? Is this how a marriage is? If I am wrong, I will have thrown away a perfectly good man because I was too demanding and couldn't see my own issues.

Wouldn't that be fantastic sex in the morning


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lovinita said:


> GettingIt,
> 
> I have read about the diaper fetish to a certain extent already. But honestly, have not found anything about the tubing up the pee hole or the fetish with being put under. he also likes to watch people change their ostomy bags. you know when they poop through stomach bags.


Look up "medical fetish." Catheter and anesthesia fetishes fall under that general umbrella--or you should be able to Google them separately.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

lovinita said:


> But that pattern is in our relationship. It is like walking on eggshells sometimes. He gets all stressed out, frustrated, upset at whatever (nothing to do with me) picks a fight with me over something stupid. Gets me all upset and crying, then he cries and then he is all lovey dovey.
> 
> Almost makes me feeling like I am in a wacky form of an emotionally abusive relationship.
> 
> But my experience is whicked limited with relationships, so I have no reference point.


Lovinita, what you describe is not a healthy relationship and you've endured far more than most people would. I'm not talking about your husband's fetishes, but about his inability (or refusal) to see that your needs are going completely unmet. He's found a routine that works for him and has shut you out. It's selfish and it's cruel. He has to know that dealing with his fetishes is already a lot to have on your plate, and on top of that he wants you to put aside your own wants and needs. He seems capable of giving you just enough (roses, occasional shows of remorse, etc) to keep you around. 

I think you're putting yourself dead last here. What are you getting out of a marriage in which your husband says having sex with you "feels wrong?" I hesitate to say this, but it's almost as though he's already incorporated you into his fetish world as his mother/caretaker. If you go there willingly, as a participant, that is one thing. But he's assigning you this role without your permission. I wouldn't tolerate it. It's controlling and, frankly, a bit violating.

I have no idea how this sort of fetish affects marriages in which one partner does not want to participate in the fetish, and the other partner won't come out of the fetish to have "regular" sex. Counseling might help, but something tells me that some gulfs are just to wide to span.

I think you should focus on yourself. Find a therapist and start to do the work of discovering why you've tolerated his pattern of behavior for so long. It's not something that most people would accept like you have, I think. It sounds like you have low self esteem, and a reluctance to break with what you know, even though you sense it's not good for you. You can get past those feelings so you can better judge what to do about your marriage.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Yes, it could be worse. You could be with a husband who physically abuses you on top of the emotional and sexual abuse he is already doling out.

OR - you could leave this behind you and make very sure you don't get in an abusive (whether the abuse be passive or active) relationship again. You could, say, find someone to date who has had a wife who hasn't had sex with him for 15 years and the both of you could start new in a relationship where sex and intimacy is treasured and both of you are so happy to have each other after what you have been through.

From the picture you paint it seems your husband is keeping you around as more of a cover. It seems you want an actual spouse out of him and he in turn just doles out enough affection to keep you around. 

I do hope you will consider therapy for yourself.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"Almost makes me feeling like I am in a wacky form of an emotionally abusive relationship."


It isn't necessarily abusive but it is certainly co-dependent. Can you read up on that? I am sure you will see yourself in that type of literature.

Basically you are feeding off each other's love AND other less noble traits, to keep each other in a state of dependency rather than a state of growth and health. 

If you both could get individually healthy, there is no reason you couldn't have a good sex life, fetish or no. But honestly, he sounds far past healthy, especially given that he can't seem to meet you on an adult level for at least the normal shared household issues and responsibilities.

Until he can at least do that, it will be hard to have an adult relationship at all. 

I hope you can both get some counseling, but definitely, for you individually.


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## Denam15 (Mar 13, 2020)

My husband has a fetish, I knew about it (he not only told me, but demonstrated), I thought once we got together, he would want it less, but that is not the case. I participated in the fetish with him, he seemed happy, but there was always something missing. We eventually had intercourse, but he doesn't come, he only does it with his fetish item, but he does ask me if he could put his semen inside me afterward. Sometimes I let him, sometimes I don't. He touches, caresses, kisses and strokes me, he can get erect sometimes, sometimes he can't, but when he's with me, he's 100% with me. I used to model his fetish items for him but got resentful because I wanted him to come inside me, like a "normal" man. I even went so far as to put in a personal ad for a man to have sex with because I didn't feel I was good enough for him. I realized that he is who he is, and the fact he trusted me enough to even tell me at all spoke volumes about the relationship, now marriage we have. He is on the high end of the autism spectrum and is very ritualized; everything has a routine/script that has to be followed in order for him to feel "normal". He loves me very much, and I love him. I no longer complain about his fetish; I have let go of the personal ad, because that wouldn't solve anything. I am insisting on marriage counseling because except for that, the marriage is otherwise good and he treats me well. Your husband has issues that need the help of a professional to deal with, and you need the support of others(which I don't have). I'm glad I found I'm not the only one dealing with this, and I thank you for your honesty. It's not easy putting your issue out there for the world to see(and judge), just know I know what you're going through, and I support you. If he won't go, go alone, for your own sanity. I took the initiative and made love to my husband on his birthday at 6am. He had no way to refuse me, couldn't shut down, he wound up enjoying the experience, and he was happy I took charge(so was I!). We hadn't been intimate for a while, but I didn't want things to stay the way they were. It's hard loving a person with a fetish, but it can be done, but only if BOTH PARTNERS WANT IT TO WORK. It takes honesty, communication, trust, and a willingness to meet each other halfway. You shouldn't stay in a situation where you're doing all the giving and getting nothing back. Your husband had gotten used to a certain routine/mindset and therefore isn't threatened by you. Maybe you need to leave for a while and not return until he goes with you to counseling, and REALLY look at his fetishes and why he shuts you out when all you want to do is love him and be loved in return. I wish you luck and hope to hear from you soon.


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