# Sexually Incompatible with my husband of 20 years



## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

I have been married 20 years after dating for 1.5 years. When we dated our sex life and all the accompanying playfulness was perfect and exactly what I wanted. Once we were married, it stopped. I have discussed many times with my husband that I am lonely and I know he loves me, but I need - not just want - but need to feel that he loves me too. He swears he has not cheated on me, and I don't think he has, but no one can be 100% sure except him. I have a very high sexual drive, playfulness and sense of adventure in that department. I would be happy with everyday or more, or at least every couple days. My husband on the other hand is very reserved and tame. Lately it is maybe a couple times a month - which is more than it used to be, but has been as long as 6 months or so between interludes. I want more and more adventerous, which I am pretty sure we had when we dated, but he's not that way now. I have discussed this with him many many many times through the course of our marriage all the different things I want. I have even guided him to what I want and at least half or more, he will not oblige. (Example: kiss my neck here, it really feels nice and I really like it - he may do it once, then not again for months or years later.) I don't know what to do. Sidenote: We have three children ages range from 19 to 3. I am a stay home mom for the last 2 years and even when I worked - I take care of everything except paying the bills. Housework, cooking, shopping, packing lunches, laundry, making beds, decorating for holidays, packing for trips (he does most of the driving when on a trip), cleaning up after kids, getting kids to bed and bathed, getting up in the night with the kids when they were babies - I literally do it all, except paying the bills and the occasional change the lightbulb because I can't reach it, opening a jar that I can't seem to get open or something like that. He has also rejected my advances many many times which has brought me to tears, crying myself to sleep and a huge sense of lonliness and unhappiness. I love my husband and he loves me. It surprises him that I am not happy or content, and has tried to make me feel guilty for what I want, that it is not real and not possible. Or he makes me feel guilty for saying anything, because he takes it I am not satisfied when we do have sex. That is not the case most of the time, I can't tell him that sometimes it is just not enough - I don't want to hurt his ego. I disagree with him and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to rip my family apart either. What do we do? I have suggested him see a doctor to get all his levels checked and all, but he has yet to do so. I have a battle in my head about it - why can't he give me more? Am I being unrealisitic wanting this? Is this a justifiable reason to consider a separation or divorce? I am in my late 30's and not overweight - I am no where near a bodybuilder, but I am not by any means unattractive or unkept. Granted I don't dress in fancy dress, except for him on occasions, which does nothing, hence the reason I have kinda stopped. Any advice? I am tired of being depressed, lonely and crying myself to sleep about it. What can be done to fix it without hurting his feelings? Or am I just asking for too much?


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

1) Speak up and tell him strait up what you need. He needs to know this needs fixed. 
2) Get his testosterone checked.

There are countless guys looking at your post wishing that you where there wife. Do not feel bad, the problem is not you. There are plenty of men and women here that understand how you feel if that helps.

Wish you good luck in getting him to change. Regular sex should be a part of marriage.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

CrazyGuy said:


> 1) There are countless guys looking at your post wishing that you where there wife.


No question. You need to lay it on the line. Tell him the frequency you want and it better be good. Or else. You only get one shot at life on this planet. Withholding sex is abuse. What makes you think he's not getting it elsewhere?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I have been married 20 years after dating for 1.5 years. When we dated our sex life and all the accompanying playfulness was perfect and exactly what I wanted. Once we were married, it stopped. I have discussed many times with my husband that I am lonely and I know he loves me, but I need - not just want - but need to feel that he loves me too. He swears he has not cheated on me, and I don't think he has, but no one can be 100% sure except him. I have a very high sexual drive, playfulness and sense of adventure in that department. I would be happy with everyday or more, or at least every couple days. My husband on the other hand is very reserved and tame. Lately it is maybe a couple times a month - which is more than it used to be, but has been as long as 6 months or so between interludes. I want more and more adventerous, which I am pretty sure we had when we dated, but he's not that way now. I have discussed this with him many many many times through the course of our marriage all the different things I want. I have even guided him to what I want and at least half or more, he will not oblige. (Example: kiss my neck here, it really feels nice and I really like it - he may do it once, then not again for months or years later.) I don't know what to do. Sidenote: We have three children ages range from 19 to 3. I am a stay home mom for the last 2 years and even when I worked - I take care of everything except paying the bills. Housework, cooking, shopping, packing lunches, laundry, making beds, decorating for holidays, packing for trips (he does most of the driving when on a trip), cleaning up after kids, getting kids to bed and bathed, getting up in the night with the kids when they were babies - I literally do it all, except paying the bills and the occasional change the lightbulb because I can't reach it, opening a jar that I can't seem to get open or something like that. He has also rejected my advances many many times which has brought me to tears, crying myself to sleep and a huge sense of lonliness and unhappiness. I love my husband and he loves me. It surprises him that I am not happy or content, and has tried to make me feel guilty for what I want, that it is not real and not possible. Or he makes me feel guilty for saying anything, because he takes it I am not satisfied when we do have sex. That is not the case most of the time, I can't tell him that sometimes it is just not enough - I don't want to hurt his ego. I disagree with him and don't want to spend the rest of my life like this, but I don't want to rip my family apart either. What do we do? I have suggested him see a doctor to get all his levels checked and all, but he has yet to do so. I have a battle in my head about it - why can't he give me more? Am I being unrealisitic wanting this? Is this a justifiable reason to consider a separation or divorce? I am in my late 30's and not overweight - I am no where near a bodybuilder, but I am not by any means unattractive or unkept. Granted I don't dress in fancy dress, except for him on occasions, which does nothing, hence the reason I have kinda stopped. Any advice? I am tired of being depressed, lonely and crying myself to sleep about it. What can be done to fix it without hurting his feelings? Or am I just asking for too much?


Sorry you are going through this.. but here is what I can tell you! You are not alone, as I read this I felt like it was me that had written it. My wife does and acts the same way and we have been married over 20 years as well.
I have come to the realization regardless of what I say or do.. threaten or compromise to no avail. She just doesn't care or get it, so nothing really changes. Being honest and straight forward does not work either.
Marriage is 50/50 and so I only come to the conclusion it is a live with it or divorce scenario. So I feel as if I am most lonely, confused and hurting person. Marriage should not be like this so I think it will eventually mean a split.
I wish I had some ideas or something that I have tried that would help you.. God knows I have tried!


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

I have told him what I want, in great detail too many times to count throughout the years. I trust him, that's why I don't think he has found someone else. I have even told him that if he doesn't start doing something, then he should let me get a benefit friend. I have asked him way too many times to get his testerone checked. I even worked for a doctor that specialized in that problem, so I understand that is a genuine problem and am very understanding about it. I have asked, but I can't make him do it. Last conversation we had he finally agreed that we were sexually incompatiable, but hasn't done anything that I know of to fix it. I told him I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, that I love him dearly, but I just don't know if it is enough. I have pretty much resigned myself the last several years, I will never be happy with that aspect of my life. I don't want to tear apart my family - according to him everything is fine - we don't fight or anything, but I don't really think it is fair that I am lonely either. I just don't know what to do. It seems as though the only avenue I have is divorce, since he absolutely knows how I feel, but chooses to do nothing about it. He has even stated before that when he does do something, at times it feels as though he is trying to fulfill an obligation. That statement just replays in my head and it just loses what it should mean. When it does happen it is great, but it just isn't near often enough and I am just very unhappy. Does anyone have a mutually sexually happy marriage? Is this a reason to tear a family apart, it seems so selfish of me to break up my family because of sexual incompatability? Is it?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I have told him what I want, in great detail too many times to count throughout the years. I trust him, that's why I don't think he has found someone else. I have even told him that if he doesn't start doing something, then he should let me get a benefit friend. I have asked him way too many times to get his testerone checked. I even worked for a doctor that specialized in that problem, so I understand that is a genuine problem and am very understanding about it. I have asked, but I can't make him do it. Last conversation we had he finally agreed that we were sexually incompatiable, but hasn't done anything that I know of to fix it. I told him I don't want to live the rest of my life like this, that I love him dearly, but I just don't know if it is enough. I have pretty much resigned myself the last several years, I will never be happy with that aspect of my life. I don't want to tear apart my family - according to him everything is fine - we don't fight or anything, but I don't really think it is fair that I am lonely either. I just don't know what to do. It seems as though the only avenue I have is divorce, since he absolutely knows how I feel, but chooses to do nothing about it. He has even stated before that when he does do something, at times it feels as though he is trying to fulfill an obligation. That statement just replays in my head and it just loses what it should mean. When it does happen it is great, but it just isn't near often enough and I am just very unhappy. Does anyone have a mutually sexually happy marriage? Is this a reason to tear a family apart, it seems so selfish of me to break up my family because of sexual incompatability? Is it?


So do you have any other kind of connection? Kissing, cuddling, etc. or is it just sex when you do have it? He may just be so disconnected.. I know my wife is. We have mechanical sex only!


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Yeah it always felt selfish to me to break up a family. But you are far from being selfish. He is the one that is selfish, you got to realize this.

I loved my wife a long time ago. I would have gladly given my life in exchange for hers. I tried to fix this so many times. You are not broke, he is. If you go on for too long you will be broke to. At this point in my life I can say I no longer love my wife. But I feel so messed up myself that I do not know how good of a partner I would be to somebody else. So hear I am, sticking it out because I do not know why.

You can not fix him if he does not want the help. Shake his life up and separate if you tried everything else. Leave before you end up like me. If he loves you he will jump through hoops to get you back.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> So do you have any other kind of connection? Kissing, cuddling, etc. or is it just sex when you do have it? He may just be so disconnected.. I know my wife is. We have mechanical sex only!


There is always the peck kiss/hug thing when we leave and meet - you know the see ya later or hello half hug peck kiss thing. I do occasionally hug him more intently, but I try not to overdo it because I don't want to put pressure on him about things. I try not to pressure him. And at bedtime, if I go to bed at the same time as him, we initially fall asleep with him laying behind me with his arm wrapped around me. Sometimes I either put his hand under my shirt on my skin, or tell him he can put his hand under my shirt and goodnight is usually a peck kiss and a love ya. I have noticed that I kinda dread going to bed at the same time because I want something that I can't have. He refuses to give me a massage, I used to give him one all the time, but quit when he never reciprocated. He says I want a fairy tale. Does this sound like I want a Fairy Tale?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

He is right to think it his obligation because it is. Listen he needs to be straight up with you about it. If he does not want to go to the MD then I tend to think there is something else that he is not letting you in on. Asexual, Bisexual do come to mind. Anything is possible and please do not rule anything else. You have invested 20years of your life in him and this family and you deserve straight talk.

There are many here that can empathize with you on this site. In my experience I have gone through every emotion you have. I started worrying less about us and have begun to focus on me and there have been some positive results but I am looking for greater intimacy both physical and emotional. We used to have it but her outside interests of work have become paramount in her life.

Do not settle, let him know you expect an effort to change or a logical explanation of why he cannot. I would not suggest FWB and he should not expect you to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

I have asked him if there was someone else or if he was interested in same sex. I have asked if there is something about me he doesn't like and he says no to all the above. He just says that everything is fine and that it is different for guys than women and it just can't happen like that and such. I have asked him many times to see a doctor, but he won't. I have thought about a separation so he can see what he feels without me around, but not sure that would work. He has been on a three month straight business trip to a different country and things didn't really change once he got home.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sex is merely one affect of the calm cool placid middle age-ness your relationship has fallen in to generally. It's only one of many many aspects where you've both fallen into deeply ingrained patterns of 'oh well that's the the way it is now'.

After 2 decades or 7,300 days you've both settled into the path of least resistance. It's not even resentment, it's same-ness. It's the stability of going through the same motions day after day, fulfilling your responsibilities and chores and tasks in order to the keep the machine running. And little else.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Sex is merely one affect of the calm cool placid middle age-ness your relationship has fallen in to generally. It's only one of many many aspects where you've both fallen into deeply ingrained patterns of 'oh well that's the the way it is now'.
> 
> After 2 decades or 7,300 days you've both settled into the path of least resistance. It's not even resentment, it's same-ness. It's the stability of going through the same motions day after day, fulfilling your responsibilities and chores and tasks in order to the keep the machine running. And little else.


So the relationship has been like this for the most part since we were married 20 years ago - does this mean it will never change and that this is normal? We have little (and I mean little) phases that are a little better, most commonly after I let him know how unhappy I am. I know that there is the comfortable thing, but now with seeing my oldest falling into a relationship and "settling" it feels like I have taught her that it's ok to have that kind of relationship. I don't want my younger two to fall into the same kind of thing nor do I want them to think it is okay to treat someone else that way, but I don't want to make them come from a broken home.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I have asked him if there was someone else or if he was interested in same sex. I have asked if there is something about me he doesn't like and he says no to all the above. He just says that everything is fine and that it is different for guys than women and it just can't happen like that and such. I have asked him many times to see a doctor, but he won't. I have thought about a separation so he can see what he feels without me around, but not sure that would work. He has been on a three month straight business trip to a different country and things didn't really change once he got home.


Dang that is hardcore right there.. I think most men would have been ready to go at it like rabbits after 3 months. Is he into porn and masturbation alot?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> There is always the peck kiss/hug thing when we leave and meet - you know the see ya later or hello half hug peck kiss thing. I do occasionally hug him more intently, but I try not to overdo it because I don't want to put pressure on him about things. I try not to pressure him. And at bedtime, if I go to bed at the same time as him, we initially fall asleep with him laying behind me with his arm wrapped around me. Sometimes I either put his hand under my shirt on my skin, or tell him he can put his hand under my shirt and goodnight is usually a peck kiss and a love ya. I have noticed that I kinda dread going to bed at the same time because I want something that I can't have. He refuses to give me a massage, I used to give him one all the time, but quit when he never reciprocated. He says I want a fairy tale. Does this sound like I want a Fairy Tale?


Sounds familiar... no french kissing, touching here either. A hug or two and some pecking on the lips or cheek. I give massages regularly but never get one in return. No hand games in our bed.. I would love to touch skin at night. I just get flanel pj's at best!
No you aren't looking for a fairy tale. Just a normal relationship which is abnormal to him! So sorry.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Dang that is hardcore right there.. I think most men would have been ready to go at it like rabbits after 3 months. Is he into porn and masturbation alot?


I caught him in our younger years of marriage and told him that was fine with the masturbation, I didn't like the porn though, because he wasn't giving it to me. I told him I could and would do anything he wanted but I needed him to want me instead of that. I told him I liked watching him masturbate and I could help him, but he keeps that aspect of his life secret. He won't do it in front of me and got pissed that I was upset about the porn. I have since (and I have also gotten older and more mature about things) brought porn in just help things along, letting him pick what he wants to watch and watch with him. Doesn't happen often, but occasionally. Like I said I try not to push, but a person has needs. He's even said that he likes it in the am and I like it in the evening...so I told him if he woke up ready - to do something about it...wake me up, I don't care, that's what I want him to do. But he has yet to do that.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

One thing that stands out for me is that he feels resentful because you made him stop watching porn. He might feel like he had to put the breaks on his sexuality and that is a huge turn off. I'm just guessing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

This is quite depressing...sounds like I have the option of either, live with it - with being depressed and unhappy about things in the personal department or do a separation or divorce - which I still beat myself up that it is selfish of me to do to rip my kids life apart just so I can have a go at finding someone more compatiable with me, which there is no guarantee of - risking my kids resenting me - finding out that it can never happen and then not being able to go back to my otherwise happy marriage. So depressing, think I will go cry. I lose no matter what I choose. I don't know what to do.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I caught him in our younger years of marriage and told him that was fine with the masturbation, I didn't like the porn though, because he wasn't giving it to me. I told him I could and would do anything he wanted but I needed him to want me instead of that. I told him I liked watching him masturbate and I could help him, but he keeps that aspect of his life secret. He won't do it in front of me and got pissed that I was upset about the porn. I have since (and I have also gotten older and more mature about things) brought porn in just help things along, letting him pick what he wants to watch and watch with him. Doesn't happen often, but occasionally. Like I said I try not to push, but a person has needs. He's even said that he likes it in the am and I like it in the evening...so I told him if he woke up ready - to do something about it...wake me up, I don't care, that's what I want him to do. But he has yet to do that.


Geez.. sounds like your husband and my wife are the same person! Seriously.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> One thing that stands out for me is that he feels resentful because you made him stop watching porn. He might feel like he had to put the breaks on his sexuality and that is a huge turn off. I'm just guessing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I didn't make him stop - I caught him several more times, just never said anything unless he refused to let me do a sexual act and I would say something about him watching that crap, but can't let me do the actual action. I don't think this is the case, but it could be I guess. I have asked if there is a problem. Everytime he tells me things are fine. I think I caught him off guard the last few times, he started getting defensive and saying that he was sorry that he wasn't good enough for me, he didn't think there was a problem. Now I get worried everytime I try to talk to him, afraid that he will take it as a cutdown to him, and I don't want to do that to him. He is a good man and a good husband but our relationship lacks the intimacy that I need and want.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> This is quite depressing...sounds like I have the option of either, live with it - with being depressed and unhappy about things in the personal department or do a separation or divorce - which I still beat myself up that it is selfish of me to do to rip my kids life apart just so I can have a go at finding someone more compatiable with me, which there is no guarantee of - risking my kids resenting me - finding out that it can never happen and then not being able to go back to my otherwise happy marriage. So depressing, think I will go cry. I lose no matter what I choose. I don't know what to do.


Huh.. I have been trying to figure this same exact situation out for a couple of years too! Be stuck in a emotionless, boring existence or try to find someone else (no guarantees there). Also run the risk of making a mess of the family situation and the effect on children!
I want out but really feel like I will not find anyone else.. so depressing!
Sorry you have to suffer in silence too!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I feel for you, I really do. My h and I are in MC for desire differences. He has told me that at times sex felt like a chore. I thought my heart would break. I have come to accept that a lot of people don't equate sex with love like I do. And that of his desire isn't as high as mine it doesn't mean that he isn't attracted to me. 
I think talking with the MC has helped both of us understand each other. Our frequency is higher than it was but I still find myself getting turned down. It hurts but I don't take it personally like I used to. 
And the odd thing is that my desire in general has dropped off. I used to feel like he had all this power and control and he was rejecting me as a woman. Now I don't see it as emitionally and I feel like I'm more appreciative of other things in our marriage. 
Have you read any books on the subject? Like "the sex starved wife"? 
Also "intimacy and desire" is great. 

I am convinced that when men feel pressured to have sex it makes them want it less. 
You could have another option. Have you asked him to go to MC?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Huh.. I have been trying to figure this same exact situation out for a couple of years too! Be stuck in a emotionless, boring existence or try to find someone else (no guarantees there). Also run the risk of making a mess of the family situation and the effect on children!
> I want out but really feel like I will not find anyone else.. so depressing!
> Sorry you have to suffer in silence too!


So sorry that you are having the same problems, I can completely relate to how awful it feels. I wish you a lot of luck - if you find a magic answer let me know. I was really hoping that maybe there is some kind of magic advice that I have not thought of, but there doesn't seem to be. And I will feel so bad tearing my family apart if I can't find what I crave with someone else. I have seen tears in my husbands eyes once when we were about to call it quits 14 years ago, and I don't ever want to see those tears in his eyes again, it broke my heart. If only he felt the same about mine.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I didn't make him stop - I caught him several more times, just never said anything unless he refused to let me do a sexual act and I would say something about him watching that crap, but can't let me do the actual action. I don't think this is the case, but it could be I guess. I have asked if there is a problem. Everytime he tells me things are fine. I think I caught him off guard the last few times, he started getting defensive and saying that he was sorry that he wasn't good enough for me, he didn't think there was a problem. Now I get worried everytime I try to talk to him, afraid that he will take it as a cutdown to him, and I don't want to do that to him. He is a good man and a good husband but our relationship lacks the intimacy that I need and want.


See I hate that when they try to turn it around on you.. almost gaslighting. Divert the attention to something else when the real problem is apparent. The problem isn't that he is not good enough.. (trying to make you feel bad) he is not trying and does not care about his wife. If he did he would oblige you!


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> So sorry that you are having the same problems, I can completely relate to how awful it feels. I wish you a lot of luck - if you find a magic answer let me know. I was really hoping that maybe there is some kind of magic advice that I have not thought of, but there doesn't seem to be. And I will feel so bad tearing my family apart if I can't find what I crave with someone else. I have seen tears in my husbands eyes once when we were about to call it quits 14 years ago, and I don't ever want to see those tears in his eyes again, it broke my heart. If only he felt the same about mine.


Have you tried toys? With him? Does it help?
My wife is anti-toy and says she has never masturbated in her life..


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> And the odd thing is that my desire in general has dropped off. I used to feel like he had all this power and control and he was rejecting me as a woman. Now I don't see it as emitionally and I feel like I'm more appreciative of other things in our marriage.
> Have you read any books on the subject? Like "the sex starved wife"?
> Also "intimacy and desire" is great.
> 
> ...


I feel like - and have told him - that I feel like we are two people living together like roomates doing what needs to be done to raise our kids and that is about it. I still take rejection hard, I have cried myself to sleep many nights and I know he knows and doesn't feel like he cares. I haven't read those, but will look into those books. I agree about the pressure thing, and I make a very controlled effort to not pressure him, but still to no avial, it hasn't helped. I have discussed MC and he says that we could not afford to go to a one. We did go to one really early in our marriage but it seemed that it did nothing to touch on the basis of our problems. That's when he went on attack of me about anything and everything - including my family and unfortunately, I shut down when the counselor seemed to take his side about things. None of which included our sexlife. I think it is because he really doesn't want to go.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Have you tried toys? With him? Does it help?
> My wife is anti-toy and says she has never masturbated in her life..


Oh yeah, toys are absolutely welcome with him and have been at my initiation. I have blindfolded myself, left out an array of toys and told him that he could do as he wishes and could even take pictures if he likes. He did participate, with one toy and no pictures, but lights were on. And I told him anytime he would like to do that, to go ahead and do it, but he has never initiated anything. I always feel like I am pushing if I try to initiate, so I try to come up with different ways to strike a fancy with him randomly, it usually never works, or just gets a little smile/smirk. When we dated he said he never masturbated. A couple years after we were married, I caught him when he thought I was sleeping and I watched out of the corner of my eye. Later - much later I asked him to do it, he wouldn't said he didn't do that, I told him that I had watched him do it when he thought I was sleeping and I wanted to watch him again. He obliged...somewhat, but doesn't ever in front of me unless I really prompt him too, but don't often anymore. Just doesn't seem like he feels comfortable doing in front of me, so I don't ask him too.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Get one of the toys and use it on yourself, at least you'll get an O. Even better use it while he lays next to you. Wonder what he would say when he hears you enjoying yourself. Hopefully he'll want to join in. 
If he asks WHY you are being so blatant about it just say you want to be honest and not hide it, but you need the release as you are a healthy woman!
I wonder if he enjoys the power over you, and is being smug thinking you won't walk out. He bugs me.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> Oh yeah, toys are absolutely welcome with him and have been at my initiation. I have blindfolded myself, left out an array of toys and told him that he could do as he wishes and could even take pictures if he likes. He did participate, with one toy and no pictures, but lights were on. And I told him anytime he would like to do that, to go ahead and do it, but he has never initiated anything. I always feel like I am pushing if I try to initiate, so I try to come up with different ways to strike a fancy with him randomly, it usually never works, or just gets a little smile/smirk. When we dated he said he never masturbated. A couple years after we were married, I caught him when he thought I was sleeping and I watched out of the corner of my eye. Later - much later I asked him to do it, he wouldn't said he didn't do that, I told him that I had watched him do it when he thought I was sleeping and I wanted to watch him again. He obliged...somewhat, but doesn't ever in front of me unless I really prompt him too, but don't often anymore. Just doesn't seem like he feels comfortable doing in front of me, so I don't ask him too.


OMG! He is a lucky guy. Gosh I am so sorry for you.. he has some major issues. Most guys would relish that opportunity. Have you tried to masturbate in front of him to get him going? Honestly if that doesn't do it I don't know of anything that will!


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

indiecat said:


> Get one of the toys and use it on yourself, at least you'll get an O. Even better use it while he lays next to you. Wonder what he would say when he hears you enjoying yourself. Hopefully he'll want to join in.
> If he asks WHY you are being so blatant about it just say you want to be honest and not hide it, but you need the release as you are a healthy woman!
> I wonder if he enjoys the power over you, and is being smug thinking you won't walk out. He bugs me.


He wouldn't ask - or I should say he doesn't ask. I haven't used the toys though. I do usually wait until he is already in bed before I do. A woman has needs - one way or another they will be met, but it is not the same as having someone else to share it with. I have placed his hand on top of mine in process. He just kinda mmmms and when I am done we go to sleep. I swear I have thought so many times that he is cheating or interested in guys or something, but he denies it. I just don't understand how any red blooded man can be so uninterested. I have never thought about it the the way you listed above though I am sure that he would know that I wouldn't walk out. Now I wonder if I am just a plain idiot.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> OMG! He is a lucky guy. Gosh I am so sorry for you.. he has some major issues. Most guys would relish that opportunity. Have you tried to masturbate in front of him to get him going? Honestly if that doesn't do it I don't know of anything that will!


Thank you. Of course I have...many times. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> Thank you. Of course I have...many times. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.


Uh.. I would think it should work 100% of the time! The only other thing that might trump this would be oral. Does he like to receive and or have you just tried to get aggressive and take charge and give him oral?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> He wouldn't ask - or I should say he doesn't ask. I haven't used the toys though. I do usually wait until he is already in bed before I do. A woman has needs - one way or another they will be met, but it is not the same as having someone else to share it with. I have placed his hand on top of mine in process. He just kinda mmmms and when I am done we go to sleep. I swear I have thought so many times that he is cheating or interested in guys or something, but he denies it. I just don't understand how any red blooded man can be so uninterested. I have never thought about it the the way you listed above though I am sure that he would know that I wouldn't walk out. Now I wonder if I am just a plain idiot.


:scratchhead: Seems very weird... I have a hard time believing he wouldn't be all over you trying to help out and get involved!
I know I would probably die of a heartattack if it ever happened to me. LOL.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Uh.. I would think it should work 100% of the time! The only other thing that might trump this would be oral. Does he like to receive and or have you just tried to get aggressive and take charge and give him oral?


Honestly, I have been rejected by him when I would try to crawl in bed and do it, that it has become something that I will do only when I know for a fact that he won't reject me. When we dated it was all the time, when we married, rejection started and a person can only take so much rejection till they stop trying. From a guys perspective, what does this mean?


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> :scratchhead: Seems very weird... I have a hard time believing he wouldn't be all over you trying to help out and get involved!
> I know I would probably die of a heartattack if it ever happened to me. LOL.


That's what I would think, but I am wrong. I don't know...it is so weird. He won't rub my back or shoulders because his hands hurt. I used to massage him all the time, but stopped from lack of recipication. He won't let me mess with him or he won't do anything at night as going to bed because he is tired. That is always his excuse, he is tired. That's when I told him to wake me with it in the morning but he hasn't yet. It truly feels like we are two friends raising a family.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> Honestly, I have been rejected by him when I would try to crawl in bed and do it, that it has become something that I will do only when I know for a fact that he won't reject me. When we dated it was all the time, when we married, rejection started and a person can only take so much rejection till they stop trying. From a guys perspective, what does this mean?


Well for me I would have to be in a unstable frame of mind to refuse oral sex from my wife. I just can't imagine turning it down under any circumstances.
Has there been any infidelity in your relationship?


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> That's what I would think, but I am wrong. I don't know...it is so weird. He won't rub my back or shoulders because his hands hurt. I used to massage him all the time, but stopped from lack of recipication. He won't let me mess with him or he won't do anything at night as going to bed because he is tired. That is always his excuse, he is tired. That's when I told him to wake me with it in the morning but he hasn't yet. It truly feels like we are two friends raising a family.


He is an inconsiderate and lazy lover.. there is always a way if there is a will. My wife is the same! Makes me sick. There is no wake up call in the morning because he doesn't care for some reason. 
I have asked my wife to wake me up with oral for 20 years and it has yet to happen! It is still on my bucket list. I hope to cross it off the list one day.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

discouraged1 said:


> Well for me I would have to be in a unstable frame of mind to refuse oral sex from my wife. I just can't imagine turning it down under any circumstances.
> Has there been any infidelity in your relationship?


None known. I know how crazy it all sounds, but it is the honest truth and it is my life. We were rocky our first 5 years of marriage - we fought a lot. But these problems were even issues then, hurtful words would fly between us and we went to bed mad at each other several nights. We stopped fighting, agreed to disagree and haven't really fought since. The physical side of it has times that are a little better than others, but overall, it is pretty scarce, at least for me - he seems to think it is fine. Seems we have been doing better over the past several months, averages about twice a month (it used to be once every couple months or so), but that is still not enough for me. I send texts and revealing pictures to him hoping it may put him in the mood. I never push for more. He may comment "Sexy" or with a smiley face, but more often than not, he does nothing more than that to esculate my innitiation with the pic or text. Really plays on my self confidence. I have come around to it in my mind that I may not be a model, but am a good looking woman and deserve more. I just wish he desired me even half as much as I do.


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## discouraged1 (Mar 16, 2010)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> None known. I know how crazy it all sounds, but it is the honest truth and it is my life. We were rocky our first 5 years of marriage - we fought a lot. But these problems were even issues then, hurtful words would fly between us and we went to bed mad at each other several nights. We stopped fighting, agreed to disagree and haven't really fought since. The physical side of it has times that are a little better than others, but overall, it is pretty scarce, at least for me - he seems to think it is fine. Seems we have been doing better over the past several months, averages about twice a month (it used to be once every couple months or so), but that is still not enough for me. I send texts and revealing pictures to him hoping it may put him in the mood. I never push for more. He may comment "Sexy" or with a smiley face, but more often than not, he does nothing more than that to esculate my innitiation with the pic or text. Really plays on my self confidence. I have come around to it in my mind that I may not be a model, but am a good looking woman and deserve more. I just wish he desired me even half as much as I do.


No it doesn't seem crazy.. I am living the same type of thing here. Feels very familiar but I am getting more frequency but it is all mechanical with only a 2 position option (only one or the other, not both together at the same time). No foreplay or touching just straight sex.. once it is over, it's over!
To put things into perspective, I have done more things with a high school girlfriend than I have done with my 20+ year wife!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Do you think you can afford MC? 
Does he know that you are considering divorce? 
It's possible that some of the sexual problems relate to other issues and the MC knew that. I'm going through the same thing. I feel like she takes his side, and it pisses me off. Thing is if you go to another MC and the same thing happens its entirely possibly that there are things that you do need to work on. I thought he was the problem but Im seeing I need to work on things too. And it pisses me off. I had a major tantrum after MC three weeks ago. 
But we were on the verge of totally breaking apart and now things feel stable and better. Not perfect but better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Do you think you can afford MC?
> Does he know that you are considering divorce?
> It's possible that some of the sexual problems relate to other issues and the MC knew that. I'm going through the same thing. I feel like she takes his side, and it pisses me off. Thing is if you go to another MC and the same thing happens its entirely possibly that there are things that you do need to work on. I thought he was the problem but Im seeing I need to work on things too. And it pisses me off. I had a major tantrum after MC three weeks ago.
> But we were on the verge of totally breaking apart and now things feel stable and better. Not perfect but better.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I asked him to go, he said we couldn't afford it - and honestly I don't think we could at this point in time. When we went before, it was very early in our marriage when we fought about stupid stuff. I had problems with his family trying to control our lives and that was what the MC was taking his side on. Since then, that is no longer a problem. We truly do not fight about anything really...well except that I think we are sexually incompatiable. I had a couple alcoholic beverages to get the liquid courage to discuss it with him yet again. That time we didn't argue about it and he ended up saying he agrees that we are sexually incompatiable, and both of us said that we don't know what to do about it. So here we are...and I am still lonely and unhappy and he seems to be just fine as usual.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

unsat1sf13dw1f3 said:


> I have asked him if there was someone else or if he was interested in same sex. I have asked if there is something about me he doesn't like and he says no to all the above. *He just says that everything is fine and that it is different for guys than women and it just can't happen like that and such. * I have asked him many times to see a doctor, but he won't. I have thought about a separation so he can see what he feels without me around, but not sure that would work. He has been on a three month straight business trip to a different country and things didn't really change once he got home.


The highlighted area above is complete BS. You husband is an anomaly. Look I know this is a complex situation but your husband needs to be a man and a husband and begin to act like one.

I have been reading the dialogue here it is: Your husband is not being much of a husband. Being a good friend and a good dad does not cut it. Your older daughter has already taken your cue. Is that what you want for your other kids? How many other "good things" are going to come from you maintaining the status quo? These circumstances are very challenging and in order to make significant change you have to be willing to take a risk that things may not work our for you but it may be the best your your emotional well being and for the long term well being of your kids.


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## unsat1sf13dw1f3 (Oct 27, 2012)

RClawson said:


> The highlighted area above is complete BS. You husband is an anomaly. Look I know this is a complex situation but your husband needs to be a man and a husband and begin to act like one.
> 
> I have been reading the dialogue here it is: Your husband is not being much of a husband. Being a good friend and a good dad does not cut it. Your older daughter has already taken your cue. Is that what you want for your other kids? How many other "good things" are going to come from you maintaining the status quo? These circumstances are very challenging and in order to make significant change you have to *be willing to take a risk that things may not work our for you but it may be the best your your emotional well being and for the long term well being of your kids*.


Thank you for your comments. That is basically what I have been struggling with. I guess I just needed someone else to say it as well so I knew I wasn't selfish or crazy for thinking it or feeling that way. I guess I am of scared of the consequences of actions of either decision, but I know what I have here and not emotionally content with it and can only dream of the unknown. I am able to keep myself busy with my children for now, but I am really afraid of how life will be when they are grown and move out. But at the same time, I hate to rip their family apart as well. Such a hard thing to decide what to do. Thank you again. I will have to talk to my husband again.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You have invested a great deal in this marriage. I am in a very similar situation. After about 18 months and getting good information on this board I believe I am on the way to saving my marriage. 

I like you have been in the depths of despair wondering what happened to my wife and not understanding how it was possible that we had grown so far apart. It all happened so gradually and when I figured it out I had dug a pit for myself that was very deep. One of the big wake up calls for me was sensing my daughters were not only wondering what was happening to their parents but confused by the way their mother treated me and them as well. 

It has been a process but I believe I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong. Do not be afraid to reach out to those that are here reading the threads. They have seen everything.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

So he refuses to get his testosterone and thyroid levels checked? Have you told him that low levels of either one will make a man very tired? 

Is he on blood pressure meds. or sedatives or anti-depressants?

Have you told him point blank that you want a weekly encounter? 
Maybe putting a number to it would help? Can you ask him to agree to doing it at least every weekend to keep the marriage stronger? If he says no to this, then you have a bigger problem than sex, you have someone who does not care about your needs.

It is time for MC, even if you have to save up for it. 


The sexually incompatible part is not an valid excuse for him, if he he cherished and valued you he would step up. Tell him you need weekly or you really have to consider separation. Yes he'll be shocked, but at this point it may take this. Adults have needs and he is being very careless with his marriage, and he doesn't seen to get that. The fact that it bothers YOU should make him want to try harder. As I said I sense he gets some power off of this.

IF it comes to that, a trial separation never killed anyone, and sure helped a lot of them. Sometimes a month apart clears the air.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Is he addicted to porn or does he masturbate excessively? Has he gotten his T levels tested yet?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

You are so not alone and I wish there was an simple answer to help you. I haven't been able to fix my own sex life =(!


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## MiriRose (Mar 12, 2012)

Unsatisfied Wife ~ So sorry you're dealing with this, it sounds like your husband's rejection has really taken a toll on your self confidence. I encourage you to not give up hope that things can change in your marriage. I've said a prayer for you!

There are a couple links I wanted to give you that might help. During my time working with Focus on the Family, I'm aware of a website for those dealing with sexual issues called Pure Intimacy. There is an article on "Coping with Sexual Anorexia and Aversion." In addition, Focus offers an article series on their site called "When Your Husband Isn't Interested in Sex." The author of this series, Dr. Juli Slattery, has her own website called Authentic Intimacy.

I do hope that things will change for the better soon. God bless you!


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