# Told husband I want a divorce- he's saying he'll change



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

Hi everyone,
Its my first time posting here..
OK here's the story.We have been married for 7 years. had more bad times than good. I have depression and have had it for many years. He has been really violent to me in the past( kicking etc but I wasn't able to divorce him as I was too depressed and ill and couldn't cope with our 2 children. I think he was violent because he was depressed/ or at least very stressed too. I was very needy and that sort of provoked his violence.( i would have to beg him to give me a hug and he would be violent to get rid of me.) The depression has gone so bad that I only have vague memories..but what I do remember is bad.over the years I have told him that one day I will not be able to deal with his day to day rudeness and disrespect and violence..my husband doesn't want a divorce because he wants the kids to have both parents in one house. Now My depression is getting better so have been able to actually consider divorce.He has said he will change before too but he can't help it... I know it sounds like I am blaming him for everything but he has been through a lot too so he has sort of given up or died emotionally(that's what it feels like!!!)and he wont share his life with me, wont go out with me, wont talk to me, is always rude to me and uses some violence still today..even though it is not as bad as before..its not actually the pain that bothers me about the little shoves( because they don't hurt now as they are minor shoves) its the disrespect that I cant take.
few days ago he was upset.I approached him and asked,darling whats up? why are you looking so stressed? and he just pushed me away with his hand and said" YOU don't speak!!!".
That was just the last straw. so after a while i told him that we need to divorce- am not blaming you entirely... i did things wrong too, but now we need to accept we cant go on like this and just go our separate ways.He is saying-no we need to try again..for the kids.I will do everything you have always asked for( give you time etc)I have already improved; my violence has reduced etc.
I said I am sorry but You have tried before, but it just doesn't work.. and anyway I just don't want to try anymore.. I cant enjoy my life with you whilst having all the violent memories etc with me. I need to start again. we have tried many many times..and I am just fed up..
what on the earth shall I do? please don't say keep trying- I really don't have it in me..I think he has taken all the oxygen out of me...I need to breath again and live again.
Please everyone be kind whatever you say!!!!VERY FRAGILE HEART!!!!


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

He doesn't want to stay married he just doesn't want to pay child support or see you have a better life with someone else. 
Please read "why does he do that?"
Abusive men hardly ever change and just living with one will make you depressed. 
I suggest get yourself some help from a domestic violence agency because abusive men get worse when you are leaving. You need a plan of action to keep you and the kids safe, to keep your pets, belongings, and money safe during the transition. 
Marriage counseling hardly ever works on abusers. They need hard core individual therapy with someone who is an expert at treating abusers. 
You deserve better, life is short. 
Your kids deserve to see you happy and healthy and with self esteem and self worth.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Sounds like you are leaning toward D but not sure about it. Have you considered temporary seperation? That may help you decide.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Diwali is right. Abusers, especially those who are physically violent seldom change for the better. Instead they usually escalate over time.

Search the internet for "domestic violence exit plan". Read a few of the exit plans you will find. You need to put together your plan. Please find a domestic violence center near you and ask for theri help. YOu can get counseling, help with an exit plan and even sometimes help to end your marriage.


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

I think my previous message just got lost somewhere so am gonna write it again- thanks Diwali and elegirl-you've really helped!!
blue laser-yes am definitely leaning towards divorce- just don't want to feel guilt later or regret!!! and no we haven't actually tried separation...


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am so happy to hear your depression is better! Isn't it wonderful to get out of the dark hole?

My 1st H was verbally & emotionally abusive (not physical like yours) & promised to change when I talked divorce but never really did even with MC. He was always abusive & I was Co-D for 22 yrs. until I walked & yes we also had children & he verbally abused them as well.

ABUSERS CANNOT CHANGE WITHOUT SOME SERIOUS HELP, ie, anger management, counseling, etc. & sometimes nothing works because they don't WANT to change.

So unless your H immediately signs up for anger management classes, MC, IC, does some research, read books about why people abuse, I am advising you to run not walk.


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

Emerald-wow man, that must have been soooo terribly hard for you!!!! that is amazing that you got the courage to get out!!!


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

My family is not supportive of my decision to divorce... everyone just keeps saying keep trying, It can work...but I just don't want to...I haven't even told all my family yet as I can' bear to start them off....but the few I have told are not supporting- in fact they trying to dissuade me... I live quite close to my family so I can't just ignore them too... and ever since I told husband I want divorce, he's gone into his extra nice phase again, and my family are looking at that...but they don't understand!!!! I don't want to live with someone who has been violent with me- even if he has other good points...plz advise guys....just feeling down in the dumps...


----------



## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

I can't stand people that dont do the commen courtesy and just RESPECT those around them especially those they are supposed to love. 

my wife does NOT respect me, hasnt for years. She also does not respect our children (shes has had multiple affairs, EA, etc.). 
if you are not happy, you just need to take care of yourself, do things for you, do what makes you happy.


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

thanx emptyinside, appreciate your words...


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He's abusive. You don't deserve that. Walk away. Even being alone is better than being with someone who is physically abusive. You don't want to teach your kids that it's okay to be treated this way, because deep down inside, you don't believe that it is. It's okay to have hope and to wish that he would be a better man than this, but don't let yourself be endangered by that wish when it might just take you leaving him for him to realize that he's got a problem.


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

thanx moxy, appreciate your kind words...


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

He's saying let's sit down and idscuss what we can do to resolve our issues. I said no, as we have done this many times in the past 7 years, with other people trying to help us too, it never works..and anyway I am only doing now what I should have done years ago, but I was too ill, couldn't cope with the kids etc.. He said I was violent to you AGES ago. I said that is not true. During our marriage we have moved to about 4 different houses and the violence has been there in all the houses including the one we are currently living in.. I don't know whether the recent SHOVE that I mentioned classes as violence or not, as it's not painful, just disrespectful.... also what exactly is emotional abuse?? or verbal? as I think he has done that too, but just wanna be sure..


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

And just few days ago, my sister said to me, you don't need to divorce, everything is getting better. I said his violence has reduced but not gone. and why should I forgive all the previous violence? Don't I deserve to have a relationship which does not have violent memories???
she said, it looks like you are not thinking of divorce as a last resort, you look like you are happy to get divorced!!!!
I said yes, Iam happy. After so many years of ambivalence(if that's the correct word!!) and misery, I have finally decided, and am trying to become happy. what is so wrong with that??????
I know it's my own decision, but it hurts to see that my sister, KNOWING everything is saying I should keep trying..that she thinks there can still be a marriage even after all I've been through???
All You guys are a real help to me right now with all your supportive words..


----------



## tooconfused (Aug 1, 2012)

He has said many horrible things to me over the years...Is it my fault that I don't want to forgive him or Is it my right to not tolerate all the things he has said.. When we first got married, he started calling me slave girl..I told him I don't think that's a good joke, it's disrespectful, but he kept saying it, until I said I will no longer iron your clothes etc as you don't appreciate me. after that he stopped. I still don't do stuff like that for him now unless he asks, that way he says thank you!!


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Diwali is right. Abusers, especially those who are physically violent seldom change for the better. Instead they usually escalate over time.
> 
> Search the internet for "domestic violence exit plan". Read a few of the exit plans you will find. You need to put together your plan. Please find a domestic violence center near you and ask for theri help. YOu can get counseling, help with an exit plan and even sometimes help to end your marriage.


Absolutely! 

My ex h is an abuser and extremely controlling. Well, I'm not one to be controlled and I left. It had gotten so bad that he's held me hostage in my own home. When I left, he stalked me for a year. He would try and disguise himself in public to spy on me. It was incredibly creepy.

Luckily I got out when I did. He's so much worse now then in the past.


----------



## putera12 (Aug 13, 2012)

Family and Marriage Therapy Programs

If you are looking for a low cost alternative to expensive marriage therapy from a private professional, you may want to look to see if any colleges or universities in your area offer family and marriage therapy programs. 

Therapy can be very expensive when you are paying anywhere from $80 to $150 per hour for a licensed clinician. Many couples don’t have an extra several hundred dollars a month in their budget to cover that type of expense, no matter how much they need the help. Family and marriage therapy programs offered by colleges and universities are usually much less expensive and thus much more affordable. 

These programs provide valuable services to people in many ways. Not only do they conduct ongoing research on important topics, they also provide supervised student training. The therapy or counseling services offered by these family and marriage therapy programs typically utilize graduate students who are getting a degree in clinical psychology, general counseling, clinical social work or marriage and family counseling. 

The students are not yet licensed, but are providing therapy in order to gain clinical experience which is required by most, if not all, graduate programs. They work under the supervision of a licensed counselor, therapist, psychologist or social worker. As they work with you as a client, they discuss your progress and any concerns or questions they have with their supervisor. This both protects you as a client and also ensures that you are getting quality therapy. 

Some family and marriage therapy programs may require that you fall within a particular household income range in order to qualify. They also are usually only available to you if you do not have any type of health insurance which covers outpatient mental health services. In some programs there may be no fee at all, but many do require a fee for services. Part of the reason for this is because people are generally more committed to and invested in the counseling or therapy process if there is a cost to them. When services are free they are often devalued by the client. 

Many family and marriage therapy programs have a facility that is separate from the college or university. But others offer the services right there on the campus. Confidentiality is required just as it is with any other type of mental health or medical care. 

If you are reluctant to get help through one of these family and marriage therapy programs because you don’t think a student-in-training can help you, you may be short changing yourself out of a very valuable service. Graduate students are not only eager to learn, they are not yet burned out by the profession like some seasoned clinicians who have been doing therapy for years. Also, many graduate students are often very aware of and informed about the most recent advances in treatment for a variety of disorders, which may be to your advantage. So it is definitely worth making a call to see if there is a program in your area, and if you qualify. You will never know unless you try, and if your marriage is in crisis, isn’t it better to thoroughly check out all your options rather than just discount them? If you qualify, at least give it a chance. You may be surprised at how much benefit you may get out of it. 

here is useful link that might help you to solve your problems,

Save The Marriage, Even If Only You Want To


----------



## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Change take time work and dedication and most importantly the person must want to change.

My wife left me because I neglected her and was cold to her . She discribed it perfectly when she stated "this is not a marriage you are my roommate and I'm tired"
I begged I pleaded "I'll change I promise, I love you with all my heart" and she didn't bye it

So here I am 10 months later still faithful, still missing her. Still working on my issues
And yes I am changing because I myself had enough. Why keep on hurting the person I love most. Why? Just because I'm depressed? That's no excuse I'm better than that. 

Your husband can change, he really can but it will take work and time and maybe he needs a good scare.

I miss and love my ex but I'm proud she left me. I'm proud she had the courage to say "I'm not living like this anymore" I love her more for that. She is my hero and she is like that oasis song wonder wall
"your gonna be the one who saves me" yup she is . 

So honestly I don't know if he can do it. Many try and fail because the road to change is hard and lonely. some modify behaviors temporary and then return to their evil ways. 

Maybe give him space, file for divorce and see what he does. I'm sure he loves you so hell promise change but it's up to you to remain strong and don't give in. Give him a list of things he must do example
join anger management
Mc
Communicate
Open up about feelings (I'm pretty sure he bottles things in, that's not healthy)
Give him altimatums and If he deviates from your agreement then talk to him and guide him back to focus and in months/years of work he manages to change you will be a happy couple
But if he deviates and loses focus then divorce maybe in order.

Hope this helps and sorry for spelling, I do my posts by phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

