# Is it possible to Save a marriage after so much damage



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

H called it quits on the 30th of DEC. I have been asking him to re think specially for the kids. I know that is not a reason , but he never even told me that he was a hard time. 

Long story short, he turned to my SIL which is his Brothers Wife. They have been talking for just about 5 months. They are also trying to work out their marriage , the only difference is I knew that H and SIL were talking my BIL had no idea. 

Till yesterday when SIL called my H and said I feel I guilty he is trying so hard and all I do is think about you ! H told her to be honest, so she was . BIL called H and freaked out and told him to stay away from his family. 

Now H and I have talked , I'm not mad about the EA. I know that sounds dumb but I'm more hurt with who it happened with cause SIL and I were close. 

I said to H, if you could look into the future and see us happy and our kids happy and are marriage the best ever would that not be worth trying for. 

First thing he said was , no one can mend a marriage with the issues we have 

Issues
- We broke up in 98 and in 2 weeks I had a one night stand
- Same time I hooked up with someone and got pregnant, and my H has raised him from the get go 
- In 2005 I had a break down and left H and the kids 

He doesn't think that a marriage can be mended after all those things. He says he can't look at me cause people have been where only he should have been . He can't think about us cause that is all he sees is me with someone else. 

I asked him to go to marriage counselling together or maybe apart. Maybe he should go alone for a while and then we can go together. I can't go anywhere for at least another 5 months. So why not take that time and try instead of living in a night mare.


DO you think counseling would help him get past my past ? Anyone out there have it worse and got through it all


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> H called it quits on the 30th of DEC. I have been asking him to re think specially for the kids. I know that is not a reason , but he never even told me that he was a hard time.
> 
> Long story short, he turned to my SIL which is his Brothers Wife. They have been talking for just about 5 months. They are also trying to work out their marriage , the only difference is I knew that H and SIL were talking my BIL had no idea.
> 
> ...


JH, think about it. He was okay from 1998 until 2010 with your past indiscretion.
Since he has been messing around with his brother's wife, you two are all of a sudden beyond repair.
He wants his brother's wife, but wants you to continue to kiss his ass, wash his clothes, cook his supper and raise his kids.
He has everything he needs, a great wife at home and a hot girlfriend when he wants to get sexy.

You need to wake up, girl. He is playing you for all your worth and as hard as you're trying to do what's right, you are doing exactly what he wants.
He'll string you along forever if you let him.
I'd also bet a day's pay that he an SiL have done more than "talk"...


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

DanF said:


> JH, think about it. He was okay from 1998 until 2010 with your past indiscretion.
> Since he has been messing around with his brother's wife, you two are all of a sudden beyond repair.
> He wants his brother's wife, but wants you to continue to kiss his ass, wash his clothes, cook his supper and raise his kids.
> He has everything he needs, a great wife at home and a hot girlfriend when he wants to get sexy.
> ...


:iagree:
and you were broke up during the ONS right?how is that cheating.
now you leaving in 2005,did he forgive you and has the marriage been happy until he and sil started talking?
what caused him to turn to her?
how was your marriage from 2005 when you got back together to through 2009?

i dont like judging anyone,we all make mistakes,we all sin but
how someone can hurt a family member by being sexually or otherwise involved with their spouse is beyond me.
now the brothers relationship will be forever ruined,and if both marriages end their relationship will never be what it once was.its sad,shame on your husband.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Yes we were broke up when when I had the ONS. He just doesn't understand how I could jump in bed with someone else so fast. 

Our marriage was pretty good , it wasn't the best but it was okay! The fact is he only starting bring up mt past when he was with her. And now he won't let it go , he said sleeping with me makes him sick ! That I find funny cause we had a great sex life till 2008

This is why I kinda backing off right now. I don't think my H would have let it go this far if he didn't have the OW to fall on. NOw I wonder what he is going to do with those feeling he has for the OW.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Jaded -- didn't you cheat again when you left in 2005?? I thought you went off with your OM and left him and the kids?? Its quite possible I am confusing you with someone else though, so let me know if thats the case.

I want to say there is a chance to save this, I do. And in my heart I think there is. But I also think it will have to go to the extreme for him to come back to you. Make sense? Kinda like he will have to hit rock bottom. You might have to decide if you want him back after that.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Yes I guess you could say I cheated , it was a LD EA there was not sex, physical contact at all. 

I seem to think because he had a EA he thinks everything is wrong in our marriage and maybe talking to OW and telling her the things I did was so wrong it made his anger again, 

I honestly don't know what to do , he says he is done 100% I asked him what if I move out and you change your mind he said he wont' from our past I don't believe that. I'm hoping he will try and go to Counseling, if not I will start Divorce . He doesn't want a Divorce but I won't leave without have a Divorce .


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am sure talking to another woman about his marriage does certainly bring up thing. But I remember going through this with my H ( the recovery from his affair) and had several posters here tell me that when they are involved with someone else they tend to demonize you and put the OW/OM in this perfect light. And it sucks LOL.

Perhaps with his brother calling him and screaming about the EA they will actually quit talking and allow you and your marriage time to heal. I noticed a lot of "rewriting history" with my H when I did finally find out about his affair. A LOT. Do you see this in your H??


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

What do you mean by rewriting history?? You mean beinging up the past? 


If that is what you meant then yeah, he brought every little thing I have done bad in the 24 years. From my ONS , to getting pregnant with my son which he loves to death but hates how he came into this world cause I was being dumb and not responsible. To me leaving the kids and him in 2005, to not doing right with my money, to being mean, controlling, angry. This I have never heard him say ! 

I know one of my girlfriends told me that is not your H that is a evil woman that is talking to him that makes him bring up all these things, 

I don't know if he is still talking to her , I have not asked him. I will though , I wonder if he is going to respect his brothers wishes. I assume that the EA is still fresh in his mind cause when I spoke with him last night he was sure it was over with us .


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Rewriting history tends to be more or less when they say that there were no good times, everything was always miserable, it was always YOUR fault things were miserable, and they tend to see things in this horrible light. My H's perceptions of what happened were so out of touch with reality that when we talked about the situations later, he couldn't even realize we were talking about the same thing. 

He is a grown man, so blaming the OW is pointless. He is making his own choices. I know since she is your SIL you feel she should answer for it as well, but he is the only one with a committment to you. I think it really could help you gauge where he is at if you ask about things that happened in the past and see how you both remember it.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Oh yes he has been doing that ! 

When I asked him yesterday if he thought the good memories out weighted the bad he said " every time I think of us I think of you being with someone else, or getting pregnant by someone else" Everything he says bad about the last 24 years. 

When we talked he said you have to know that we never tended this to happen. He still does not consider it cheating. Cause so he says there was no physical contact. Well if that is the case then he has nothing to ***** about what I did 5 years ago . Cause I never met that guy all we did was talk on the phone just like he did ! 

At first I was not even mad about him having a EA, but the more I think about it the madder I get. H has never lied to me, and he has lied and lied and lied to cover his ass over this EA


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I would ask him about a specific happy memory that you have. Something you would both remember and ask him how he remembers it or what he remembers about it. That helps you see his frame of mind also. Right now, it sounds like he just wants to make everything you have ever done into some horrendous act ( just like my H did) so you should definately line that up as something to talk about with a counselor in the event he is willing to do with you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Jade I think you/us can save a marriage after all the crap that the each of you took part in. 
If the both of you want the change then the both of you need to do the damage control. 
For my wife she does her part by resisting the exciting charms of a young man and being in vulnable places were that can accure.
For me I resist the comfort of having my own space and appreciate the fact that someone loves me and not egnoring that.


So for us its more about prevention, its been so many years of BS we have come to term with it and avoid the bad behaviors we both had. After 20 years there are to many to mention that you address them and move on to the next one, soon and with time you just put that BS behind but in the same breath understand what got us to this place in your life in the 1st place.

Its easy for me to spout this off b/c my W was on the same page.

I hope it makes sense, for us it does.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks Dawn, I need to think of something and ask him ! I'm pretty sure what ever I ask him he will have something bad to say about that memory.

The Guy, Thanks so much for replying. The problem I have is my H is done. He doesn't think people can get through this much damage in a marriage and be happy for the next 20 years. I asked him if we good start over with a clean slate and be happy with our kids and grandbabies would it not be worth it. He said yes but it is my past that stops him from being able to move on. 

He gives a lot of mixed signals. Talks about us redoing the house, talks about me having the new car home so I'm not stuck. Still wears his wedding ring. Before this all happened when he use to come home he would call me and ask me if I wanted to go smoke in the truck cause it is so cold here. He has not done that in months, and all of a sudden he did today! 

I wonder if he is starting to think right. I'm sure his feelings from his EA made him think everything about our marriage was bad.


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Jaded Heart - Nothing is ever beyond repair except death. 

Have hope for yourself first. Never lose hope because without hope all is lost. 

Prove your words with your actions. 

Read all you can about relationships and how they work and how it can be brought back from the brink of disaster. 

You can begin this change yourself and through positive influence your husband notice and will also begin to change. It won't be overnight, it might take a year or 2. 

I just read a fascinating book by Gary Chapman - The Four Seasons of Marriage. He gives some wonderful ideas of how to work on the relationship yourself if your husband is unwilling.

Another very good book is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F Harley. 

You see there is nothing you can directly do that will make your husband do anything but through consistent action and positive influence you can subtly help him change by his recognizing the changes in you. 

Right now I think you still do love each other and that is a good starting point. 

I am in stages of recovery with my wife of 18 yrs. With us it was not an EA or PA . We gradually drifted apart partly though my inaction and neglecting her and my family. I was lucky - I woke up. 

Keep it positive and work on yourself as much as possible. People can never take away what you learn!


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Thanks Powerbane, Thanks so much for your reply. You made some great points. I'm reading the Five Languages of Love Right now, I wish my H would do the quiz so I would know what his language is but he won't. 

I need to get a libary card so that I can get some more books. We don't have anywhere we can buy books here .


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