# OW wants to talk



## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

My husband had a EA and then a brief PA with an employee. I discovered this when she sent a bitter text to him the day after "the event" (Oct. 14).

When I saw her the following day, she said how sorry she was, that she couldn't help her feelings toward my H AND that she would be looking for another job.

Today, I called H's office and she answered. I asked how the job hunt was going and she said she hadn't found anything, that she was probably going to stay. She then texted me, "If you feel you want some assurances or some answers, feel free to call me. Believe it or not, I am hurting deeper than I can express...my intention is not to hurt you any more than you have been, but perhaps some answers will help you move on with "husband".

So, do I call her? It seems counterproductive, but I WOULD like to hear her angle on things.
HELP! I still haven't located a counselor, though I'm getting closer.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unless she did not know your husband was married, she knowingly slept with a married man. YOUR husband.

What could she possibly say that would change that fact????


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Hazelrah10 said:


> My husband had a EA and then a brief PA with an employee. I discovered this when she sent a bitter text to him the day after "the event" (Oct. 14).
> 
> When I saw her the following day, she said how sorry she was, that she couldn't help her feelings toward my H AND that she would be looking for another job.
> 
> ...


The OW in my case, contacted my wife but it was to say some very hurtful things to her. 

The OW in my case, did not lie about the truth, but some OWs will. 

Talking to her may cause you further emotional turmoil or harm.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

At this point the only reason to talk to the OW is if you have not gotten the truth from you WH. If there is more to this then you may get it.

If you have all you need then don't.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Does your husband know that you know about the affair? Is she trying to seek revenge on your husband because they had a fight? What do you think her motive is? Me personally, I would want to sit down and talk with her to get the truth. I get the feeling that your husband doesnt want you to know the truth. I would want to know so I can either plan for a recovery or an exit. The truth would help in my decision making.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You say you would like to hear her angle. If there is something you want from the conversation, then call her.

If not, you owe her nothing at all. Do not do her any favors except to show her the door.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Interesting question. I would probably want to know what she had to say. That's just me. 

She sounds like she immediately regretted what she did. 

The part that bothers me is that she hasn't been able to find another job, and that she'll likely stay. This COULD mean that your H convinced her to stay. 

But it's hard to know what's what without hearing your full story.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are staying with your H----I have one question for you---WHY DOES YOUR H's LOVER STILL HAVE HER JOB----or why is your H, not out of that workplace----for you to stay, and R.---it MUST be one or the other IMMEDIATELY---It does not matter whether anyone likes it---IT IS A CONSEQUENCE OF THEIR ACTIONS, and for the R to work---NC AS OF NOW


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## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

Thanks for input! I DID talk to her.

Back story: My WH and OW were texting back and forth, but they worked together. I asked him if anything was going on, but he said no. The texts I saw in no way indicated an EA or A, it was just that I saw no need for their repeated contact outside of work. Until I saw that he would text her on his way home from work. 

Then I saw a text where she called him "sweet". After I would go to the store or walk the dog, I would look at his phone and although no texts were present, when you hit "contacts" it was either on her name or close to it.

I went away for the weekend, Oct. 11-13, and the next Monday, while his cell was on the kitchen counter, I saw a text from her indicating "you got what you wanted, now go home to your family and wife" - which indicated they had a one time PA and he ended it (true, I found out). I confronted him that night and saw her the next day. In tears, she said she would look for another job, she was sorry, she couldn't help her feelings toward him.
My WH seems very sorry, although he has a hard time expressing his feelings. He has agreed to IC and then MC, though its been hard finding counseling in our rural area.

When I called the office today, OW answered and asked how I was doing. I told her not so well and asked how her job search was going. She said she couldn't find anything and was staying.
STABBED - is how I felt.
So she agreed to talk. We meet, she is in tears and she tells me that she would NEVER have pursued my H except he told her our marriage was on the rocks. He denies telling her this.

But, as I tell WH, this is another wound in the relationship. He has offered to go elsewhere for work which would mean a big drop in income. And it wouldn't help our relationship (although I am having big doubts if this will go to R) if he was away.

I thought her leaving would be a big help toward healing. I told her I was a lot madder at my husband than at her, but still I wish she was gone!

Advice?


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## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

jnj express said:


> If you are staying with your H----I have one question for you---WHY DOES YOUR H's LOVER STILL HAVE HER JOB----or why is your H, not out of that workplace----for you to stay, and R.---it MUST be one or the other IMMEDIATELY---It does not matter whether anyone likes it---IT IS A CONSEQUENCE OF THEIR ACTIONS, and for the R to work---NC AS OF NOW


Well, this happened Oct. 14. I thought she was leaving. I know money shouldn't be the #1 concern, but my WH has a great job and is 65.

He can't just fire her, can he? Wouldn't things get uglier?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

If your husband is at a higher level then her and he fires her this is an attorney's dream. Ugly does not describe it, ever read Dante's Inferno this would be the circles of H*ll.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP so sorry you are here.

i too, talked with the BS of my WW's AP. i actually was the one that discovered the affair, she was as blind sided as i was. But my WW would not admit to much of anything, it was the AP that broke down to his BS and she told me many things that i was able to get to more of the truth.

the point is to others that are reading, while there might be much hurt to come from this tyoe of contact, it may be helpful too.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Can he make the job she has redundant?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Bottom line this is really on your H--it is he , who took vows with you, it is he who has had a life with you---OW, who knows why she went along----you know for sure, your H has no trouble lying to get what he wants.

Why would he need to do this---at age 65-----what is going on--------Is there a problem with the mge---or is your H, just wanting foreign spice---which begs the question, is this the 1st time he has done this---what really lurks in his past history.

If you do stick around, I can tell you, it will not be pretty---once he retires, and it isn't that far away---the 2 of you will basically be together 24/7----and your sub--conscious---is gonna just keep on hitting you where it hurts

You might just wanna think long and hard about the future---cuz retirement is a whole different ballgame, when there has been an infidelity


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## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

Remains said:


> Can he make the job she has redundant?


No, I'm sure he can't do that. She did tell me he has been very cold toward her since D-day. I am sure it is over between them (since he lied to both of us), and she said I "won" because he chose me, but I'm not sure what I won....I am feeling so angry right now!


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

I didn't know you had to compete for your own husband? OW is a piece of work. She should just have apologized and left graciously. Your husband isn't worth competing for...


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Unfortunately the job market is really bad so it isn't that easy for either of them to just up and get another job, especially in a rural area. But that's what would be ideal - for one or the other to go.

The anger that you feel is normal. This is a really difficult time - it's SO fresh right now. You've been traumatized and you're also grieving, having lost the marriage you thought you had. 

And it's hard to know what to believe when you hear conflicting stories. You know he's lied to you, but you can't be 100% sure that she's incapable of lying either, though it's more likely that she told the truth. (What would be her motive to say he said the marriage was on the rocks if he didn't say that? She's a "woman scorned," so she's mad at your husband, and she'd want to make herself look better and make him look bad; or she might want to make sure you don't hassle her - also so you'll have more anger for your husband than you do for her, which is what you said you feel.)

I hope you can arrange for some counseling soon because I'm sure you feel very isolated. Please make sure you find someone with experience in helping couples who've dealt with infidelity.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hazel's H and his lover should have considered there would be consequences to their adultery---One time or more, whatever----Hazel has been violated, and she has the right to propose whatever she wants, in a R, should that be her choice

Her H, does not get a choice in the matter---if she says jump his response is to be "how high"

The tuff part of all of this as I said before, is the age that Hazel and her H, are---and the approach of retirement

Most on this forum---are years from retirement---so you have NO CLUE

When retired---you ARE together 24/7---one or the other, or both do NOT go off to work, or to other pursuits daily---you ARE thrown together, and you spend most of your time together---and if there are problems, from the past---your mind/sub-conscious will bring them up---again and again and again---it goes with the territory---of not having other diversions to occupy you----yes you will do things/have visits from kids/relatives/participate in hobbies/be with friends---but that DOES NOT EVER fill a whole day----day after day after day----RETIREMENT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT BALLGAME---and if there has been adultery/disrespect---IT COMES TO THE FOREFRONT OF ONE'S MIND DAY AFTER DAY AFTER DAY---for there is lots of time to think, and think, and think.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hazelrah10 said:


> ....I am feeling so angry right now!


As you should, to be honest with you this woman does not sound like a man eater or a person with 0 morals, for what I am hearing your husband put sweet words in her ears and once he had his fun just trow her under the bus.

about firing her, I don't think is a good idea, to be honest right now she can sue your husband even if she has not been fired, your husband as her employer, used a position of powert to made advances on her (that is how any lawyer will depict the situation), so the best for the 2 of you is let her go when she finds something better.

now, you have to ask yourself if this is the first time this happens and if your husband is being honest, as they are right now your husband can reignite the affair taking it underground, by the way, once the OW is out of the company request to speak with her again, maybe there are rumors that your husband has done this before but right now she don't wanto to tell you for fear to lose her job.

I hope I am wrong, but is better to know the true now that with a second OW.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You know, call me cynical, but it would probably be in your best interest to go see a lawyer to find out what your options are. It might be best for you to take your due from your husband, before the hussy figures out she might have a case. Let him pay for his mistakes, and not using your share of marital assets.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Probably speaking out of school here, but my H is in his 60's and if I found out he did something like this, I think I would kick him out. Life is too short and getting ever shorter at this age. I would get a small place for myself and try to enjoy my retirement in peace. Such blatant disrespect - wouldn't be worth it to me anymore, I don't think.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Hazelrah10 said:


> Thanks for input! I DID talk to her.
> 
> Back story: My WH and OW were texting back and forth, but they worked together. I asked him if anything was going on, but he said no. The texts I saw in no way indicated an EA or A, it was just that I saw no need for their repeated contact outside of work. Until I saw that he would text her on his way home from work.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't put too much stock in the part about "marriage on the rocks". It's quite common for someone who is behaving inappropriately to try to justify him/herself. Moreover, your H needed to convince the OW that he was somehow "serious" about her. I guess the issue is: do you still love him and would you be sad without him. Can you accept him as he is? From what you wrote it doesn't seem as though the OW is a real threat. He had no intention of prolonging the affair and was clearly in it for the ego boost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

Is the OW your husband's subordinate? If so he might be in big trouble as this can easily be viewed that he used his position of power to coerse the woman into the affair. Think about it who's gonna believe your WH if things get ugly? I don't agree that OW should leave the job it's your WH who should leave.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I should warn you I am anti-R because of my own experience and what I have read about R on here. Check out the R threads. It takes years and isn't much fun and you are not 25. I am very proud though and my pride and dignity took a terrible hit. It is so tawdry. That said, I have great admiration for those who embark on it. 

I would take my chances and go it alone. 

I would definitely have met her too BTW. My curiosity would have got the better of me. 

If she stays at his work, I seriously doubt she will do anything more though I know it's not 100% guaranteed. As she said he chose you so she was probably expecting more and now feels used. That kills the passion very quickly. She also sounds more remorseful than the average OW. I got to know my carbuncle's OW. He went one better and told her he was single! She was livid when I contacted her. She said she had never gone out with anyone who was attached and never would. We even email each other now and then. He was furious about that.:rofl:

I wouldn't want to take a drop in income because your WS decided to turn into a Don Juan. You will be affected by that too. 

As for your WS who's old enough to be a grandpa? I agree with Alte Dame and I sure wouldn't want to look after him in his old age. 

He told her your marriage was on the rocks? Grrrrr. Why don't you leave him sitting on a rock then. I would believe her because every WS tells that to OW/OM. The cheater's script is so predictable.

What he did was particularly cruel given your age group. You should be looking forward to your retirement and now he dumps this on you. 

I can assure you there are a lot of retirees out there who are looking for a mate. Down here in Australia they have many social clubs, travel clubs and clubs that do fundraising for charity. 

My 75 year old uncle is hopelessly in love with a woman he met at his bowling club. They just moved in together. When I go visit them they are always sitting in the back garden in a swing seat holding hands while having a glass of red wine which they love. Sometimes they drink a whole bottle and end up giggling like teenagers. He looks 10 years younger now. It is so cute. Cupid can strike at any age it seems.

What age is OW?

How is your marriage otherwise?

Do you suspect he has done this before?

I'm sorry for all the questions and I am very very sorry this happened to you. You will find great support here on TAM as you go through the journey.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

I say no way. But that's just me. If I had to meet my wife's OM, I beat the sh!t outta him, I just couldn't resist. But again, I'm a bit different. 

I say no. Why? For what? What's it gonna do for YOU. And that's all that matters. YOU. Not your hubby or his ho OW. Just YOU. Look out for your number 1 player. YOU. 

Will it help you in recovery?

Ask yourself that.


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## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

Thank you ALL for all the input!
I went away for the weekend to think things out and left a long letter with my WH, detailing the hurt & betrayal.
When I came home (a few hours ago), he had written me a letter and he detailed his escalating relationship from an EA to a PA with the OW. The cause: a disconnect in our marriage, which I concede was partly my fault.

I am going to see a counselor tomorrow. His counselor has yet to be identified. I agreed to work toward R, but told him we had better have damn good counselors!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Remains said:


> Can he make the job she has redundant?


He could try. But a court would see through it.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Hazelrah10 said:


> The cause: a disconnect in our marriage, which I concede was partly my fault.


Make sure your counselor doesn't let the blame for the affair fall on you. Just so you know, this is a common reason/excuse issued by cheaters. No, the EA and PA was not due to the disconnect. The problems in your marriage were from your disconnect. The decision to jump in the sack is all on him. A disconnect means more communication with your spouse, not sex with another person. The affair is not your fault, he had a hundred other choices before using that to gain attention or fix the marriage.

Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The cause: His conscious decision to pursue sex with another woman.

If everyone went out and committed adultery when there was a 'disconnect' in the relationship, the adultery rate would be 100% for both genders.

What he is doing is blameshifting. Don't buy this as a reason to level the field in MC. Don't take any responsibility for his cheating. None.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The cause: His conscious decision to pursue sex with another woman.
> 
> If everyone went out and committed adultery when there was a 'disconnect' in the relationship, the adultery rate would be 100% for both genders.
> 
> What he is doing is blameshifting. Don't buy this as a reason to level the field in MC. Don't take any responsibility for his cheating. None.


I agree. The "disconnect" theme may or may not be true. Nonetheless, the statement is a way to justify his actions and to lessen his guilt. You can always acquiesce in the conversation with the counselor in order to get a dialogue going about what is really going on, but in the back of your mind, please remember that the "fault" is not yours. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daisy10 (Nov 10, 2013)

I just want to know how old the OW is and how old the OP is?

And what does R mean?


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## Hazelrah10 (Oct 31, 2013)

R stands for reconciliation. There is a posting somewhere on this site that explains all the abbreviations.

OW is about 50, I think.
I am 58
WH is 65

Wow. It was a sleepless night. I guess I have to be careful what I wish for. My WH outlined for me the whole EA to PA and now I feel like I've been betrayed four times. First, when WH and OW had EA. Second, when I questioned him whether something was going on and he denied it.
Third, when he was confronted with evidence of PA and he did a cover up on how long it was going on. And now - with what I truly believe is the truth.

Of course, I wanted the truth and now I have it and the pain is just as devastating as when I first found out. 

Several people commented on the fact of our ages and retirement possibly coming up. Is there a thread or posting I should read regarding this situation at our ages? 

Going to IC this morning!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are several posters who are confronting infidelity at your age and older - missmolly, disconnected, for example - but these are not threads about trying to live in retirement with a spouse who has betrayed you the way yours has. Granny7 is definitely dealing with retirement issues, even though her WH's affair was long ago.

If I can think of any threads that are exactly on point, I will post them for you.


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