# Why is it so hard to bring up?



## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

After 14 years of my husband's addiction issues (drugs, alcohol, women), I've made the decision that I don't want to be with him anymore. I don't love him and haven't for a long time. I've talked to my son, told him there was a good chance that we were going to split up. I explained why (he sees his dad drink and pass out at least 3-4 times a week, he understands that that's not ok. My son is 13.) 

I just don't get why it's so hard for me to tell my husband that I'm ready to leave. I've spent all these years telling myself that I was terrified to tell my son, but it seems like that was the easy part. I don't know what I'm so afraid of...I've gone over in my head what might happen during the conversation:

He'll try to manipulate me with guilt (So you're willing to just throw away everything we have had for 14 years?). He'll try to use my feelings of guilt about my son (How do you think our son will feel about this?). He'll get belligerant and uncooperative (You're not taking anything out of the house, I'll keep it all). I can afford to live out on my own, I can afford to move out. I can't afford to start from scratch and replace everything, and I can't afford a mediator or lawyer. 

I know I need to do something. I've been losing self confidence, gaining weight, and losing interest in the things that used to give me happiness. I just wish there was a guide somewhere to tell me how to start the process.

Any suggestions?


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I'm sorry to hear JensHere! 
As for your statement- "I just don't get why it's so hard for me to tell my husband that I'm ready to leave." Well, I think it's totally normal to feel challenged by the thought of having to break up with someone, ESPECIALLY when you've slipped into the support role with your husband due to his problems. You're probably a people pleaser by nature right? You feel better when everyone else is happy or ok and if he is playing the guilt trips on you then he knows exactly what you're about. It's one thing to take the love & support of a people pleaser like you, but it's another thing to hold them accountable for all of your problems and expect them to pick up the pieces after every bad decision they make. That's just selfish, honestly. 
I realize you have a son and it's not fair for him to be put in the situation of divorce, but at the same time, you're not the parent that is really forcing the relationship to the end - you're in a way, the savior that's hiding behind an enabler's mask. Even if your son doesn't see it right now, he will better understand and see it down the road that IF you leave, removing him from this lifestyle was a good, healthy decision on your part if your husband isn't capable of getting the help he needs to turn this around. 
"(So you're willing to just throw away everything we have had for 14 years?)" - seriously, he is in denial about the effects his drinking have had on the relationship and your home life. He HAS to start holding himself accountable and that probably won't happen if you're always around to accept him back into your life after he makes mistakes over and over again. 
Have you considered an intervention? Basically say to him, clean up your life or were gone? Do you have supportive family you can lean on to help you with an intervention? Some employers also offer counseling and help for employees that abuse drugs or booze, I know my company does so do a little research and see if that's an option to help with costs. 
In the mean time, try to disconnect yourself a little and take on some healthy activities during your days like exercise and being with friends. Don't feel ashamed to take care of yourself while you are figuring out your next move - it's not fair for you to continue to spiral downward in self confidence because your husband isn't strong enough to play a more active role in being a healthy family. Keep us posted - I really wish you the best from the bottom of my heart!!! You seem like a strong, smart woman so cling tight to that and allow your strength to gain momentum by believing that this isn't the end all be all for you, or your son.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Jen,

I would try to go to an Al-Anon meeting as soon as possible. This is the AA support group for family members who are living with Alcoholics. There are many great people who have gone through what you are going through now and will help you walk down this path.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

The AA route may be good, but there has to come a time when you have to ask if you want your son to see much more of this, see an irresponsible alcoholic as the primary male role-model in his life. Of course, it is very difficult to deal with a decision such as yours, the consequnces could be staggering, but-what are the consequnces of your son thinking that this is normal behavior?


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## JensHere (Oct 14, 2010)

Thank you everyone for your input. I have looked into Alanon meetings and I do plan to attend at least one, and when it's all said and done I'll see if I can find an alateen(?) meeting for my son. An intervention might be helpful for him, but I know in my heart I can't stay either way. He'll need to do it for himself, I'll be there for him if he ever does finally admit he has a problem, but not in the role that I've been in.

Question: Would it be wrong for me to start a dialogue through email? I know it would be so much easier for me to clearly state what I'm feeling and how it's affecting me, without having to worry about having all of my feelings turned back on me as guilt. But email is so impersonal, and I just don't know if it's appropriate. I think one of my biggest fears in all of this is the face to face confrontation, and I could at least get things started with a letter, saying we can talk about it in detail later. Thoughts?


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