# Lost and confused!!!



## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

I was here last year posting about my marriage n what not. Last year i ran into problems with my husband talking to a coworker n then I did the whole 180 thing.. He came back after that n I gave him another chance. Recently I found contact list of females that he's been talking to. I told him if he deleted all their numbers n he said yes of course. However couple of weeks ago.. A girl FaceTime him at 2am.. I looked at the number n I'm like WTFRICK this number looks familiar. What do u know? It's another female that I told him not to talk to anymore was hitting him up again! I confronted him about n he said he doesn't have that fat "b" number anymore. Now Im lost and confused on wtfrick he really wants. At this point I'm really fed up and I did throw the big D word in his face.. Telling him he better shape up or else I'm moving the heck on! I'm tired of this s#*t n I'm tired of getting hurt all the time. Not to mention there is another girl at his job that sent him a snapchat picture with a heart symbol saying "? you boo" I asked him is he in love with someone else he yells n says no! That this girl was ugly n yadayadada.. Someone please give me some kind of advice ?????


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## cathy1978 (Sep 14, 2015)

Lynnie, I am so sorrry to hear that, It must be really hurt to see that he has continue doing the same hing. Have you tried counseling? Have you ask him if he wants to be with you? It seems that he is not caring much for the commitement that he should give as a husband. If you keep accepting his behavior he will continue to do so.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

from what you have shared it sounds like he is trying to have the best of both worlds - married to you and playing the field with other women. Only you can decide when enough is enough and you make the move to split. In the meantime you should be practical and look at all the details about living on your own - finances, housing, etc, etc so if and when you decide to make the move you will be somewhat prepared.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lynnie, your WH has no respect for you or his marriage.
He has been allowed to do whatever he wants because you keep threatening him but nothing changes and you are still around.
You need to be willing to lose this marriage if you are going to save it, he needs to know that you mean business and there will be no more second chances.

So far he has his cake and is eating it. You have to go 180 on him again, ask him to leave the house, pack his stuff and ask him to move out.
Tell your and his friends and family what he has been doing to you, there is value in shaming him. Effectively he is cheating on you by engaging with these other women. How do you know that it has not gone further?

Contact a lawyer and have the divorce papers drawn up, you do not have to go through with it, but know your rights and be prepared. If you do not want to continue to live this way, then change your circumstances. 
Are you financially independent, do you have a job as it will make things easier?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Lynn,

Remember that classic I am dumping you line, honest it is not you, it is me. In your case guess what: it is true, it is him!

Look thier are women who are broken in some ways and will betray their spouse. 

Your husband is the the long lost twin of a guy back in the day. A women asked him "aren't you married"? He responded "my wife is, me not so much".

I give him some credit for honesty, not enough to stop me from telling his wife, and supplying a photo. Was he pissed, you bet like I told him long before this incident "what did you think I meant when I told you when I told you if I could I would"? moral of the story is if someone tells you something, believe them. 

What have you told him in the past?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you plan on sharing your H when you married him? Of course not.

Don't share him now.

Move on.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Thanks everyone for all responding. I am still going through this with my husband. I do blame myself for not protecting my heart n still allowing my husband to treat me like this! I've tried to sit down and talk to him about his issues about having an affair I've even cried n talked to him calmly. When I did it he started saying I was dramatic n that I am is a effn drama queen who likes drama. Like wtf did I ever do to this man? Then he says that if I don't change my ways his exact words "watch what's gonna happen" I've been going to counseling for myself and trying to work on myself. I'm still hurt cause he calls me all kinds of names and still tells me to stfu and calls me the b word all the time.. I don't know I'm lost again. Times he acts like he loves me and at times he cusses me out like I'm a stranger n s#*%! I've done the 180 before n it worked he changed for a lil bit. But I fell into his this mess again n look where I'm at now. Back at square one


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You'll be an abuse victim for as long as YOU allow it.

Why haven't you left him?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

As long as you stay with him while he is contacting other women he'll keep on doing it. I suggest a separation for awhile and if he can prove to you that he stopped and wants you back, you can mae a decision. Saying things to him that you will not back up does not good, you have to put some kind of consequences behinf them like a divorce or separation.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My friend, people do not change in a short amount of time. He is going to keep abusing you emotionally and mentally to control you, to keep you from moving on.

Those time of peace are like bait to draw you back on the hook, and unfortunately a tool he uses to entice you back to him.

The trick is to believe that it is just manipulation, which it most likely is.

When abusers feel their victims drawing away, they turn sweet to lure their victims back. Victims tend to feel and empathize with their abusers. Sure, a lot of abusers have terrible past, but they are unfortunately likely to be abusers or victims themselves. It is what they know, how they behave, and to them, it is normal.

Also, by making you seem like the unstable one, he makes himself look stable to others.

The best thing you can do is leave him and his influences, they will only confuse you. On one hand, you have your logical side telling you to leave and there is the emotional and love side, driving you to stay with him.

Love is a bond, and there is a drive to bond. You have to ignore that love feeling because love is illogical. Its main purpose is to motivate to being bonded. Love does not care about the character of your husband.

Btw, it takes about a year to change a little bit to a moderate amount. I am nearly certain that for him, if he seeks help, it would take years before he will make a passable partner.

You do not want years going down the drain for someone who makes you feel insignificant.

You need to reengage the 180 again, and this time, do not be so quick to come back, and better yet, keep detaching. A few words, and a short period of time is not enough. He knows that all it takes for you to crack is for him to be sweet.

You need support to help you ignore him while you detach. It is okay to walk away from him and leave. You are more important than a relationship.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Lynnie1981 said:


> Thanks everyone for all responding. I am still going through this with my husband. I do blame myself for not protecting my heart n still allowing my husband to treat me like this! I've tried to sit down and talk to him about his issues about having an affair I've even cried n talked to him calmly. When I did it he started saying I was dramatic n that I am is a effn drama queen who likes drama. Like wtf did I ever do to this man? Then he says that if I don't change my ways his exact words "watch what's gonna happen" I've been going to counseling for myself and trying to work on myself. I'm still hurt cause he calls me all kinds of names and still tells me to stfu and calls me the b word all the time.. I don't know I'm lost again. Times he acts like he loves me and at times he cusses me out like I'm a stranger n s#*%! I've done the 180 before n it worked he changed for a lil bit. But I fell into his this mess again n look where I'm at now. Back at square one


I'm also married to someone like your husband (emotional abuse, name calling etc). I left for several months and then returned after many promises and some positive changes that he started implementing. It turned out that none of that was honest, it was meant to only lure me back in. Now I'm stuck again. The point is, where there is no respect, there is no love. There is only one right thing to do and you know what it is. I know what it is.
Good luck!


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Thanks Annie! Sorry for the late response, but u are so right. That's why I left.. I couldn't stand the verbal abuse and the trash talking. I've been there for my husband and always been truthful with him. I just couldn't do it anymore. This time when I left, I didn't cry and beg him like I use to. Like hell no I just couldn't do it. I guess it's true when my friends tell me that one day I'm gonna be in the "IDGAF" stage lol. That's exactly where I'm at. He's been texting n calling me. I finally gave up and blocked him. I just can't fall into another one of his bs stories anymore. So, I'm totally happy where I'm at. I love my husband don't get me wrong and he knows that himself. But I've tried over and over numerous times. I'm not getting any younger and my life is way more important than getting hurt n verbally abused all the time. I take blame for my actions as well. I'm not gonna sit here and say that It's all his fault he's like that. I know that I could've changed somethings of myself. But I couldn't change myself if my husband wasn't willing to Change himself as well. I'm okay and am living my life. Hope all is still good with you Annie. We woman can put up with years of crap, but when enough is enough, ITS ENOUGH! Take care of yourself and wish u nothing but the best in life! Have fun n enjoy yourself with close ones


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through. It sounds like he has commitment issues and it is a good thing that you decided to move one and blocked his number. I know you love him and it hurts but no woman wants to be with a man who will not fully commit to her 100%. If you feel like you can try couples counseling then that would be good but if you don't think he will get his act together then maybe it is time to go through with the divorce. You have support!


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

Thanks Danielle, I choose not to go through marriage counseling. It's not worth my time and I'm happy where I'm at now. It hurts me, but I have to start thinking of myself n making myself happy. Ive been with my husband too long and have been tolerating all the mess that he's put me through. I will always love my husband, but I will not put myself in that miserable marriage anymore. This time I'm in control of my happiness


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

Lynnie1981 said:


> Thanks Danielle, I choose not to go through marriage counseling. It's not worth my time and I'm happy where I'm at now. It hurts me, but I have to start thinking of myself n making myself happy. Ive been with my husband too long and have been tolerating all the mess that he's put me through. I will always love my husband, but I will not put myself in that miserable marriage anymore. This time I'm in control of my happiness


Good for you! Makes me happy that you have the reins on your life and you are moving forward! A small part will always love him in the end, but you deserve MUCH better! Good luck!


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