# Intense sexual chemistry and long term relationships..



## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

So a couple of years ago I met a man that I shared the most intense and unexplainable sexual chemistry I could ever imagine with. To paint you a picture, all he had to do was be in the same room with me and I'd be so soaking wet that it was running down my leg. Actually, we didn't even have to be in the same room together, texting (not sexting just texting) also produced the same result. I'll spare you story of the messed up, confusing love triangle I was in at the time. I didn't cheat, so you can save any lectures. The end of the story is that I got pregnant from goodbye sex with my ex-fiance, so my relationship with this guy was very short lived. I got back with the fiance because I thought it was the right thing to marry him and raise our baby together. 

Getting to the point... It's been 2 years since the last time I saw this man and I still can't get him out of my head. Part of the reason that I left was that I was afraid I was mistaking lust for love. My question is: has anyone ever been in a relationship with this kind of intense sexual chemistry and have it turn into a long-term relationship? If so, did the sex still eventually become (for lack of a better word) boring?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

We were like that at first. I get wet just thinking about our early days  We lost it somehow, for a few years, then he cheated, but we've got it back now. You can read my story thru the link in my sig if you like  We've been together for, I was going to say 16 years but it's longer I think.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I married the man that I had intense chemistry with. After 23 years together the sex is still great. In fact sex is the glue to our marriage. Without that I would have left him years ago. Lol.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Yes, I've had that kind of chemistry before, and yes I think it can be long lasting.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Thanks guys keep it coming. Although it's really upsetting to think I may have a one that got away, it's nice to hear from people who can prove that relationships/sexlives can still last. I think I'll write my story too. I'm new and didn't know there was a way to do that.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Oh there was more to it then just sex. I was madly in love with him. I was just stupid and let him go because I was scared of getting hurt, pregnant, and scared of being a single mother if it didn't work out. I did the whole "listen to your head and not your heart" thing.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife and I clicked very strongly and our sexual chemistry has always been intense. Too intense actually, we're now seperated because of too much sex and the issues related to it, but we're working on it. The intense sex life also led to rug-sweeping which made our issues difficult to fix until much later. Our relationship is 7 years old, 4 years married.

Sexual/love chemistry is great but it isn't everything. If I was you however, I'll try and focus on your fiance as he's investing his time in you regardless of your feelings for this guy. Sometimes you click with sex other times you have to work on it.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

It's probably harder to forget him because things ended in a high note for you two, I'm guessing. I had the same situation where I went with my head instead of my heart and groom ones, so to speak. I've convinced myself it wouldn't have worked out eventually so I don't continue to wonder. It's certainly harder to find sexual chemistry after getting married if it wasn't there in the first place but hopefully it's not impossible. This post sure made me envious of those who currently have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I still lust for my H after 26 years. A couple of years ago during a rough patch it was definitely part of what kept us together. We have used our physical relationship to comfort each other many times over the years and for some reason even while we were going through that rough time...I still wanted sex with him. There were times I wanted to kick him out...but i quite fancied a shag first. 

I could never understand myself... :scratchhead:


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh it gets weird like that sometimes, still remember the times when we have fights then end up sleeping in seperate beds yet she comes wakes me up for sex first in the morning lol. Or the times in the middle of a fight we end up having sex which usually results in rug-sweeping. Kinda hard to remember what you were arguing about after giving each other a few orgasms.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

RandomDude: We're actually married now, but our sexlife is so bad that I'm considering divorce. I was in a relationship kind of like yours before, so I know what you're talking about, but believe me I'd much rather be having sex that I actually enjoyed right now. lol.

Kermitty: You and I almost sound like we're the same person sometimes. I've tried to convince myself for two years that it wouldn't have worked between us anyways, but I can't get him out of my mind. It's driving me crazy. I just feel like a coward for not even giving it a try.


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## rose petal (Feb 1, 2013)

This is an enlightening thread. You took the question right out of my mouth. If you read my other thread, I too am struggling with attraction to my husband. My case is different in the sense that I've never had any physical attraction for my husband to begin with. 

I married him for all the wrong reasons. I was young, stupid, and trying to escape from emotional abuse. I've never experienced the intense sexual chemistry that you experienced. I do wonder what that would feel like.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

RosePetal: I've also never had any attraction to my husband. I dated him because he's a nice guy who would never hurt me, and I married him because of an untimely pregnancy. Intense sexual chemistry is AMAZING, and I can't imagine never having experienced it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

This thread is valuable for me for the lessons learned. I must take note about this interesting anomaly: that being a nice person who never hurt his wife, does not guarantee that the wife would be attracted to him. 

I hope this thread will be a reminder for all you unmarried men out there: be 1000% sure that your girlfriend/fiancee really love you, respect you and attracted to you, before you even thinking of getting married. Being nice and kind is absolutely totally not enough, you have to have that special something, that "intense sexual chemistry" thing. 

Otherwise, one day they will be coming to TAM and asking the question "why I can't be attracted to my husband?". 

More interesting things for my research. Thank you ladies!


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Intense sexual chemistry and long term relationships..*



john_lord_b3 said:


> This thread is valuable for me for the lessons learned. I must take note about this interesting anomaly: that being a nice person who never hurt his wife, does not guarantee that the wife would be attracted to him.
> 
> I hope this thread will be a reminder for all you unmarried men out there: be 1000% sure that your girlfriend/fiancee really love you, respect you and attracted to you, before you even thinking of getting married. Being nice and kind is absolutely totally not enough, you have to have that special something, that "intense sexual chemistry" thing.
> 
> ...


Excellent point. Although we see both men AND women on here posting about marrying someone with whom they did not have deep chemistry, I would imagine that women do such far more frequently than men do, since it seems that more women value stability and friendship over intense sex. It is very possible that my wife is one of those. In the beginning, when sex was frequent, I was still the driving force behind our love life. She has never had any interest in actively pursuing me or "seducing" me, however, at least for the first few years, she would never turn me down. After 20 years, and 4 children, the last 10 years of which have been a constant struggle in the martial relations area, I finally came to accept this as my possible reality. 

We have had HUGE fights over our sexual incompatibility, probably about every 3 months, for years. A couple of weeks ago, having come to the conclusion that the only possible answer to our situation is exactly what you pointed out, I sat her down, and we had "the talk". I told her that there simply was no way I can live the rest off my life like this, and that we both deserve to have fulfillment in our lives. I engaged her deeply in conversation about ME as husband and partner, and had her air any frustrations. I purposely centered the conversation around that in the beginning, questioning over and over so I could be certain there was nothing left unsaid. This gave me a list of her wants and needs from me, from life to romance to sex, things that she says she needs.
i then laid out my feelings, completely honestly, and told her how inhibited I was sexually with her, and that the ED issues I was developing were due to emotionally disconnecting from her and closing myself off from her because I was unable to continue in our relationship in it's current dynamic. I plainly told her that if we cannot develop this, we cannot continue. 
I'm not willing to just walk away- I made vows that I feel I must do everything possible to keep, and I promised her that I will give 100% to creating this new dynamic in our marriage, if she will as well. 
I'm hoping that it is possible, and that we can develop that intensity and connection that several on here talk about. It's something I deeply yearn to experience, and lacking it in my marriage has been slowly destroying me emotionally.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

:scratchhead:

Come to think of it, normally the no-chemistry thing doesn't get past dating. I normally friend-zoned them and/or had them as FWBs. If my wife and I did not have the chemistry I sure as hell wouldn't have decided to marry her regardless of her pregnancy at that time.

Still, as I mentioned on the other thread; I do find it curious how arranged marriages function better then romantic marriages.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

humanbecoming: If that post was meant to be sarcastic, then you're being very biased in your judgement. Are you telling me you've never heard of a woman whose husband no longer found her attractive?? I was just reading last night about a guy who can't have sex with his wife anymore because she's put on alot of weight after giving birth to his four children. Other than that he had no complaints about her as a person and said he loved how great of a mother she was to his children. I have a friend who is one of the smartest, funniest, and nicest people that I know yet she can't seem to get a man to be interested in a serious relationship because of her height and stature. I treated my ex like a king and we had sex at least twice A DAY, yet that apparently wasn't enough for him because he cheated on me repeatedly. You men may say that "nice guys finish last", but the door swings both ways.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

hb, thank you for sharing. I recently found my self in a similar situation, albeit the period was weeks, not years.



humanbecoming said:


> we cannot continue.
> I'm not willing to just walk away


I used similar words, "we can't go one like this" but also implied I was willing to walk away. She agreed. I think that really helped us get figure out what our real issue was (wasn't apparent).


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Intense sexual chemistry and long term relationships..*



realistorcynic said:


> humanbecoming: If that post was meant to be sarcastic, then you're being very biased in your judgement. Are you telling me you've never heard of a woman whose husband no longer found her attractive?? I was just reading last night about a guy who can't have sex with his wife anymore because she's put on alot of weight after giving birth to his four children. Other than that he had no complaints about her as a person and said he loved how great of a mother she was to his children. I have a friend who is one of the smartest, funniest, and nicest people that I know yet she can't seem to get a man to be interested in a serious relationship because of her height and stature. I treated my ex like a king and we had sex at least twice A DAY, yet that apparently wasn't enough for him because he cheated on me repeatedly. You men may say that "nice guys finish last", but the door swings both ways.


RC, you'll find on TAM, I'm not subtle at all when I'm being sarcastic. I promise you it is very obvious


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

*Re: Re: Intense sexual chemistry and long term relationships..*



CharlieParker said:


> hb, thank you for sharing. I recently found my self in a similar situation, albeit the period was weeks, not years.
> 
> 
> 
> I used similar words, "we can't go one like this" but also implied I was willing to walk away. She agreed. I think that really helped us get figure out what our real issue was (wasn't apparent).


Thanks Charlie. I think the realization that this could be the end of the line has opened her eyes. She has been trying very hard, as have I. Some of it, like having that feeling of her actually desiring me, may never happen, but that is her personality, so I may have to just learn to continue living without that. She has been more "present" during love making the last couple of weeks, which is a huge improvement. Our sex life for the last 10+ years was either her avoiding it as much as possible, or her just giving in and letting me do my thing. There have been brief periods of passion, and those give me hope.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

realistorcynic said:


> So a couple of years ago I met a man that I shared the most intense and unexplainable sexual chemistry I could ever imagine with. To paint you a picture, all he had to do was be in the same room with me and I'd be so soaking wet that it was running down my leg. Actually, we didn't even have to be in the same room together, texting (not sexting just texting) also produced the same result. I'll spare you story of the messed up, confusing love triangle I was in at the time. I didn't cheat, so you can save any lectures. The end of the story is that I got pregnant from goodbye sex with my ex-fiance, so my relationship with this guy was very short lived. I got back with the fiance because I thought it was the right thing to marry him and raise our baby together.
> 
> Getting to the point... It's been 2 years since the last time I saw this man and I still can't get him out of my head. Part of the reason that I left was that I was afraid I was mistaking lust for love. My question is: has anyone ever been in a relationship with this kind of intense sexual chemistry and have it turn into a long-term relationship? If so, did the sex still eventually become (for lack of a better word) boring?


While I've never had the "running down my leg" thing,I do have a very intense chemistry with my SO that only seems to grow stronger with time.Known him since we were kids and we've been a couple as adults for about a year and a half.Typically I'd start to lose passion for someone after the first 6 months.But with him,it gets deeper all the time.
He initially had trouble expressing his feelings and passion but now the gates are open and it's wonderful.

Living thinking about what might have been is dangerous if you're married to someone else.You have to put this man out of your head and focus your passion on your husband,if you're still married.


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## Typo (Feb 1, 2013)

My husband and I are in a rough patch, but we still have chemistry. At least I do, which is part of the rough patch. I'm kinda not sure he still does.

I had a starter marriage with a man who was nice, safe, and loved me tremendously. I had zero chemistry with him. I spent most of my twenties having sex every six months or so. I did the evil thing of having an affair to get out of that marriage, for which I have been eternally sorry as it hurt my ex deeply. Like so many of you whose stories I've read, I married him at 21 because I needed to get away from some dicey parenting and he seemed like a good, safe, bet to establishing my independence. Not wise. We did not have children together, thank goodness.

My (now) husband and I have been together for 19 years and that spark has been there the whole time. I can still describe the first kiss and how electricity went through me. I have only to touch his skin and I'm ready to go. So, I've been married with chemistry and without it. With it is deeper, richer, better - but also with far more risk because losing chemistry can be devastating. I think sometimes we shrink away from chemistry because we're afraid of that risk.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> Living thinking about what might have been is dangerous if you're married to someone else.You have to put this man out of your head and focus your passion on your husband,if you're still married.


:smthumbup::iagree:

But I do know that sometimes it is hard to let go an old flame. In my country, some families still practice arranged marriages. And thus there are people who get married, but the wife/husband are still thinking of former boyfriend/girlfriend. When they came to me for advice (mostly after the marriage becomes unhappy) usually first I give the same advice as I quoted above. But in many cases the old flame cannot be extinguished and keeps on burning the chances for the new romance.


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

Believe me, I've been trying to forget him for 2 years. It's easier said than done. I'll do good for a few months or so then I'll go back to dreaming about him or thinking about him all the time. I just hate myself for being such a coward that I didn't even give us a chance because I was too scared of being hurt. Maybe once I'm done with school and go back to work it'll help keep my mind occupied.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

The only way I found to get over someone with intense chemistry was find someone better unfortunately. =/


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## realistorcynic (Feb 6, 2013)

I don't think I could ever find anyone I had more chemistry with. I didn't even know it was possible to feel like that it was so incredible. I think it would help knowing that he didn't want to be with me anymore, but it's quite the opposite. As long as I know the possibility for so much more is out there, it's making it pretty much impossible to work on the problems in my marriage.


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