# All these posts about falling out of love



## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

There's a lot of people on here posting about how they don't feel the same about their partners the way they used to. Falling out of love, out of attraction, thinking their sex life gets boring... all of these scare the hell out of me. 

I'll have been married to my wife three years this May, together 5. Right now our marriage is doing great. We are both attracted to each other, in love and have amazing sex. 

So what are the main signs to look for in a marriage fading? What causes one partners feelings to fade while the other burns hot still? I know people change and marriage takes work. Why do some marriages last so long while others fail due to giving up? Are marriages today really so disposable?

I know this a broad question but I think it could make for a good discussion.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Complacency is a big killer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to remember that most people don't come to a place like TAM for help until things are really bad. So TAM draws a self-selected group of people who have serious marital problems. This place is not the norm.

That said, there are things you and you wife can do to prevent your marriage from failing. The answer is not something that anyone can give you in one post or one thread on any forum. So I'm going to give your the names of some books that I think have the answers.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" - (see links in my signature block below)


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

A communication gap start existing and it makes the couples unable to express their feelings of love.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> There's a lot of people on here posting about how they don't feel the same about their partners the way they used to. Falling out of love, out of attraction, thinking their sex life gets boring... all of these scare the hell out of me.
> 
> I'll have been married to my wife three years this May, together 5. Right now our marriage is doing great. We are both attracted to each other, in love and have amazing sex.
> 
> ...


You kinda answered your own question here. Marriage does take work and more than that it takes work and commitment from both partners. A single partner who shuts down, checks out, or simply stops working can implode a marriage from the inside no matter how hard the other person tries.

Marriages that last have a commitment to one and other and tend to, above all things, put their marriage first. In today's society so many want to put themselves first. Hence the issue.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If I could use just one word. One word that packs a marital success punch, it would be "compatibility".

Couples need to be compatible in as many areas as is possible.

Or.....one bends their "likes" in the direction of the others "likes". However, do not bend too far. The back will crack...the healing "set" makes for a permanently crooked unhappy person.

Better: Both partners bend towards the middle...and lock lips...lock their marital destiny [forward] to a mutually convivial journey.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Treat your partner with respect and treat yourself with respect, too.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Speak up early on. I did not speak up. By that I mean even though I did mention things not being to my liking, I rolled with it. And in rolling with it I dealt with it by becoming cynical and negative. I put it aside and smouldered away. Don't smoulder - look where it got me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Horizon said:


> Speak up early on. I did not speak up. By that I mean even though I did mention things not being to my liking, I rolled with it. And in rolling with it I dealt with it by becoming cynical and negative. I put it aside and smouldered away. Don't smoulder - look where it got me.


Yep, it took you down under!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Not questions that can easily be answered plus every marriage/relationship has unique dynamics.

One thing I see now a days is people are no longer focused on the family unit as the foundation of their life. The world has changed, we have so much stimulation our focus is spread too thin, dual careers, hobbies, friends, sports, electronic gizmos, etc. As people many of us have become selfish, it's no longer what's best for the family, it's about me, myself and I. It's way too easy just to wake up one day and change your life because you never took the time to lay that family foundation. 

Don't get me wrong there is much of the modern age to be thankful for and individual life has certainly improved. I just see where as we improve individually we move away from the family unit being the core of our
life. 

Short answer is it's just too easy to drift apart.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CanadaDry said:


> There's a lot of people on here posting about how they don't feel the same about their partners the way they used to. Falling out of love, out of attraction, thinking their sex life gets boring... all of these scare the hell out of me.
> 
> I'll have been married to my wife three years this May, together 5. Right now our marriage is doing great. We are both attracted to each other, in love and have amazing sex.
> 
> ...


Turning into room mates and routine. Don't let it happen. My W and I did become the parents taking care of kids room mates. But, we both stayed the course. However, I noticed I was slacking in the keeping my W first department. Even when she would say it from time to time. My feelings never faded I just was not being responsive to my W needs. I finally(after 20 years) realized I was messing up. Turned it around. Started to run the day to day like we were dating again. We plan weekend outings ahead of time. Gives us time together that is needed to keep the relationship fresh and connection solid. 

Bottom line....conduct your marriage like you conducted your dating before marriage. Take care of the other needs. Always make each other first.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

CanadaDry said:


> There's a lot of people on here posting about how they don't feel the same about their partners the way they used to. Falling out of love, out of attraction, thinking their sex life gets boring... all of these scare the hell out of me.
> 
> I'll have been married to my wife three years this May, together 5. Right now our marriage is doing great. We are both attracted to each other, in love and have amazing sex.
> 
> ...


In my experience it was a long process of bad communication and both being stubborn and not resolving past conflicts however minor they may be, also once kids came into the picture having no family around led to very little time to spend with each other. Got in habit of focusing on kids and financials rather than focusing on the relationship, Sexlife and intimacy dwindled which led to more conflict, she started spending a lot more time with friends. 
Figured out that kids will be good if the relationship between parents is strong so that should be the priority since the parental relationship is the core of the family. Unfortunately for me learn this all to late and still in relationship school for further improvement. :smile2:


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

There is a "Long Term Success in Marriage" board here at TAM. It isn't very active, but there are some great posts that speak to this concern. 

My wife and I have been married for 21 years, together for 23. No infidelity and no risk of divorce. We are quite happy, though I would like more sex, but that's really minor when compared to the rest of our life together. 

Marriage should include mutual respect, communication, and openness. I married for life and I'm very happy with my choice. I still find her very sexy and I love her dearly. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that for a marriage to work long term, each person needs to remember how much they enjoy making the other happy. Remember how when you were dating you went out of your way to do things for your date. Remember how much you enjoyed seeing them smile.

I remember dropping my wife off at her house at the end of the semester at college. It was only a 200 mile detour - but it meant spending a few extra hours with her.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I've never been married up to now, but from what I've seen (just like in other long relationships) *lack of communication* is the no.1 reason why ANY relationship fails. 

It goes like this: 

Lack of communication -> not meeting each-others needs -> built of resentment / unhappiness -> feeling ignored/not pleased -> you think your SO is being selfish -> so you start becoming selfish as well -> you forget why you fell in love with your SO -> you fall out of love -> the emotional and physical connection decrease immensely -> difference in lifestyle of each of you -> you feel empty and start looking outside the marriage to fill the emptiness -> affair/divorce.

All these...because you were afraid/insecure or simply didn't bother to communicate to your partner what was wrong in the relationship.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cooper said:


> Not questions that can easily be answered plus every marriage/relationship has unique dynamics.
> 
> *One thing I see now a days is people are no longer focused on the family unit as the foundation of their life. The world has changed, we have so much stimulation our focus is spread too thin, dual careers, hobbies, friends, sports, electronic gizmos, etc. As people many of us have become selfish, it's no longer what's best for the family, it's about me, myself and I. It's way too easy just to wake up one day and change your life because you never took the time to lay that family foundation. *
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CanadaDry said:


> There's a lot of people on here posting about how they don't feel the same about their partners the way they used to. Falling out of love, out of attraction, thinking their sex life gets boring... all of these scare the hell out of me.
> 
> I'll have been married to my wife three years this May, together 5. Right now our marriage is doing great. We are both attracted to each other, in love and have amazing sex.
> 
> ...


This thread has a similar discussion to yours >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...any-me-generationers-successful-marriage.html...

I spoke about the "Disposable mindset" in my post... (will copy & paste here)...



> Could anyone argue we are now living in a progressively "*Disposal society*"... I've been reading some articles on this in the past couple weeks....
> 
> The cultural changes are VAST..the most disgruntled with marriage welcomes these changes, many would like to see  Renewable Marriage Contracts , feeling this will solve many things..
> 
> ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think there is still this idea that when you grow up you should get married, have a family, white picket fence, the works... I have nothing against this idea, but I think there are people who go into marriage not necessarily b/c they want to but feel like they have to b/c that is what "adults" do. Likewise, I just think there are people who are unable to maintain relationships when they are no longer the focal point and challenges (i.e. work, finances, kids is a big one).


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