# Wife Rarely Flirts or Displays Sexual Attraction



## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

We have a pretty solid marriage for over 10 years and we are both in mid 30s. I am noticing that my wife is completely lacking the desire to flirt or show sexual attraction to me. She almost never gives any compliments about anything and especially nothing about how I look etc. 
We have a so so sex life. It is great when we have it but really that is only 2-3 times per month. She really gets into and enjoys it always has an orgasm. She is great wife in most ways and a good mom to our children. But she is not overburdened as I do half of all chores easily in addition to working more hours than her. 
When I have confronted her in the past about why she never comes on to me or flirts or initiates sex she just says that is not how she is but it does not mean she does not love me or find me attractive. I believe her but frankly it is getting old and in the last few weeks I have been extra attentive and loving with sweet phone calls, texts, emails, and flowers really just because I wanted to and she really appreciated all of it. But then I start noticing it does not come back my way. So now I am just backing off a bit and while remaining loving I have no interest in even requesting sex even though I want it -- I know this is not a wise strategy with her as this has not worked in the past but again I am just not feeling like always being the one to keep the energy up between us.
I don't want to talk to her directly about this. I have before and she just tells me how she loves and is attracted and all of that but this is just who she is - plus then the conversation gets really heavy and she starts asking courtroom style questions in which she will not really accept my answers. Looking for some advice that does not involve reading a book or going to counseling. Seriously no books - been there done that and counseling has worked some but it seems she does not think my concerns about her are valid as this is who she is and I just need to accept her. She really is a special woman I love her deeply but I just miss that playful sexual energy that only your spouse can provide --- it is not totally absent but I have to spark it every time which also means it gets rejected a good 80% of the time if not more.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi normalguy!
Thanks for posting! Has your wife ever been a flirty kind of gal? I know that I am not naturally very flirtatious, and believe that some people just aren't. I am more likely to respond to it when my husband is flirtatious, but don't necessarily initate the flirtatiousness so much.

However, it sounds like maybe your wife might feel a little bit 'crowded' by you. There's a good thread over in the Men's Clubhouse about the 'thermostat' that would be good to read. See if you see yourself in there.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

One thing is that women are simply programmed to be sexually reactive to men. However, your frequency is too low and her rejecting you 80% of the time is unacceptable.

In addition to the thermostat thread, go to the Men's Clubhouse section of this site and read the man-up sticky thread. Also, check out Married Man Sex Life as another resource. The author there offers a book (I know you said no books), but it's a better distillation of the blog posts then the web site is. Plus, it has some extra stuff.

Basically, you have to change your approach. If you're constantly coming at your wife, she will naturally default to push you away. She can't initiate until you stop coming at her. At the same time, start some self-improvement. Get in shape. Work on a hobby. Let her notice other women noticing you.

Good luck.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It's not that she's not into you. She's not into 'it'. So don't take it personally if that's possible. Because your wife seems to have near zero interest in physical intimacy, and anything that can lead to it. Mine is like that - no drive (not low, NONE), no touching. She even rails at movies and tv which depict any romantic or sexual intimacy at all; calling the characters animals and beasts. She freezes or recoils from touch. In retrospect when we were kids, she really wasn't any different, maybe just marginally better. But being young and stupid it just seemed normal to me that young women would act this way; like middle school dating. My own failure to realize what adult behavior is supposed to be is what got me here. 

All I can suggest that men and women are hardwired to be what they are. It's almost impossible to change them in this way. I wouldn't hold out much hope because even if there was something to do, it has to come from her and her alone.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Also wondering if she was EVER flirtatious (while dating, early marraige) ?

IS this something that has died down or never was? If it was, why do you feel it died down -- having kids? 

I was rarely the flirtatious type, I felt acting like that was being a "bad girl" somehow, I had too much of a conservative mindset for much of my dating & marraige, I would even call myself a stick in the mudd in this area. Always loved Romance but it had to be "pure" , nothing too naughty, or anything remotely "dirty". I had issues!

I have changed dramatically in this area - once I shed my overly religious good girl mindset, let my hair down & finally come out of that repressive sexual shell I was hiding in. Now I can be the most flirtatious playful seductress wife ever. Kinda nuts, but it is my story. 

What turns your wife ON?? Does she ever read Romance novels, does anything highly sexual arouse her or she turns her nose to it? 

How you change someone like this -they have to have a will & desire to change themselves-or let's say "FIND that part of themselves" -they have to see some value in it. For me, it is pure FUN , the spice of life, I feel I have been missing this part of myself for a long long time, so when I finally came into it, It was like a damm unleashed. Kinda took the husband by surprise, he used to call me a NUN, now he has other words far more naughty to say about me.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Tuesday morning, stop going to work. When she asks, tell her that's just the way you are but that it doesn't mean you don't love her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah that kind of thing never works. You can't snap someone out of that. They like being what they are.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i agree, dont really think she is going to change. i could have basically written the original post about my wife. nothing i have tried really ever changes our frequency which is 2-3 times a month. i have just accepted it for what it is and simply stopped stressing about it.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

some women are genuinely not interested/motivated as per the dating yrs yet, some are
playing the control game with ya re: whether they want it or not.

if u/we are able, i find that holding out on them works wonders
eventually, as they dont like rejection, lack of control, or wondering/worrying about what u r really up to.

God help u if shes a control oriented type of person.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

She is actually into"it" the 2-3 times per month. But that is it and when I try to flirt with her even leading up to that evening she is not really that playful or responsive. Once we get going she is really fun in bed. 

I know that I am not "crowding" her at all as I also know me backing off affection has not really worked that well in the past either. It is not that she is not affectionate it is just not that energetic sexual type of thing that can happen. Plus she loves my attention and I think a big part of the problem is that it is just not who she is inside -- but you would not know that from how great things can go in the bedroom once we get going. Not sure why we have to limit ourselves so much.

Right now I am not even bothering to ask about sex as I really just do not feel like initiating it. Since it has been well over a week she would probably be responsive but I am just not excited to even bother, I would rather just sleep. Afraid I am turning into her! I really do love her deeply and it will work out somehow as there are bigger problems in life for sure. But as a guy this comes up so often as it crosses our brains once every 2-3 minutes I guess.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

[
Afraid I am turning into her! I really do love her deeply and it will work out somehow as there are bigger problems in life for sure. But as a guy this comes up so often as it crosses our brains once every 2-3 minutes I guess.[/QUOTE]

I saw my own marriage in this, and it concerns me, because it was just one of the symptoms before the whole thing imploded on us. I have read lots of places that lack of sex is more of a problem for a marriage than people think, and needs to be looked at seriously. Your needs are different from hers, for sure, but they are still yours and you still deserve to have them fulfilled. 

I think this problem is probably pretty common. I wonder what the folks in the "long term successful marriages" forum would tell you? Maybe they've been there and know a trick or two? What about a marriage retreat, or workshop, or something like that? Anybody ever tried that? What did you think? 

My brother and I were talking last night and he confided this same problem to me. I am worried for him, as his situation appears to be more dire than yours. I will be interested to see what other ideas get offered. 

Maybe someone could offer up a book that you could leave on HER pillow. With a rose, of course.


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## Frustrated4Fifteen (Apr 20, 2011)

normalguy said:


> ...(she says) I just need to accept her....


My wife uses this phrase like a weapon almost any time we have an argument about anything.

I'm selfish
I'm never satisfied
why can't I accept her for who she is
I make her feel like she's not enough, or not good enough
I make her feel like she can't do anything right

She'll pick any one (or more) of those depending on the subject at hand.


I basically told my wife that I simply would not remain in a sexless marriage. Sex on a regular basis is *that* important to me. So, now we're working on it. It's only been a couple weeks, but so far, so good. I really think that was the only thing I could have done to make her understand what it really meant to me, and how important it is to me (and our relationship in general). She told me today, that the *only* reason we are on the "schedule" that we are, is because I told her I would leave if it didn't change.
Honestly, I don't care why we're doing what we are to fix it, I'm just happy we are. I do KNOW that it will improve (and already has some) the other aspects of our marriage. 
Hopefully she'll see (realize?) that too.

I wish you the best of luck normalguy. I really do.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NG,
You want her to understand how this REALLY feels? Stop
Broadcasting her love languages whether those are words, acts
Of service, etc...

;332660]Thanks for the replies.

She is actually into"it" the 2-3 times per month. But that is it and when I try to flirt with her even leading up to that evening she is not really that playful or responsive. Once we get going she is really fun in bed. 

I know that I am not "crowding" her at all as I also know me backing off affection has not really worked that well in the past either. It is not that she is not affectionate it is just not that energetic sexual type of thing that can happen. Plus she loves my attention and I think a big part of the problem is that it is just not who she is inside -- but you would not know that from how great things can go in the bedroom once we get going. Not sure why we have to limit ourselves so much.

Right now I am not even bothering to ask about sex as I really just do not feel like initiating it. Since it has been well over a week she would probably be responsive but I am just not excited to even bother, I would rather just sleep. Afraid I am turning into her! I really do love her deeply and it will work out somehow as there are bigger problems in life for sure. But as a guy this comes up so often as it crosses our brains once every 2-3 minutes I guess.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Not really sure what to say about last replies. It is not a sexless marriage and our marriage as a whole is much stronger than even a few years ago. 

I like this board I can learn quite a bit about good ways to handle things but "love languages" seriously that kind of talk is just not helpful in itself. Maybe I have not read enough on here to get through the meaning of broadcasting love languages but again really just appreciate comments without being told to read a book or fall into some male vs. female dynamics lexicon. 

Things are actually not bad at all. Well the sex is not here and the lack of that kind of energy is just not happening but she has been really sweet and given me hugs and been more affectionate in a non-sexual way. Again not what I want so much but she is who she is and part of me needs to just adapt a bit. I REPEAT WE HAVE AMAZING SEX A FEW TIMES PER MONTH.
My thought is just to be sweet and stop worrying about it for awhile and maybe this will lead to a decent conversation. But I have to be careful as when we do talk about sex and the lack of frequency than she is the type to overthink that and be timid about initiating as then she would think well he is waiting for me and she is not good at the type of sexual pressure. 

Maybe she will change or not but I love her and if this is all she has to offer I will just deal with it. Not going to be a lonely old jackass because I want sex a few more times a month.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What happens when you initiate more frequently than a few times
A month?

UOTE=normalguy;333238]Not really sure what to say about last replies. It is not a sexless marriage and our marriage as a whole is much stronger than even a few years ago. 

I like this board I can learn quite a bit about good ways to handle things but "love languages" seriously that kind of talk is just not helpful in itself. Maybe I have not read enough on here to get through the meaning of broadcasting love languages but again really just appreciate comments without being told to read a book or fall into some male vs. female dynamics lexicon. 

Things are actually not bad at all. Well the sex is not here and the lack of that kind of energy is just not happening but she has been really sweet and given me hugs and been more affectionate in a non-sexual way. Again not what I want so much but she is who she is and part of me needs to just adapt a bit. I REPEAT WE HAVE AMAZING SEX A FEW TIMES PER MONTH.
My thought is just to be sweet and stop worrying about it for awhile and maybe this will lead to a decent conversation. But I have to be careful as when we do talk about sex and the lack of frequency than she is the type to overthink that and be timid about initiating as then she would think well he is waiting for me and she is not good at the type of sexual pressure. 

Maybe she will change or not but I love her and if this is all she has to offer I will just deal with it. Not going to be a lonely old jackass because I want sex a few more times a month.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

normalguy said:


> Not really sure what to say about last replies. It is not a sexless marriage and our marriage as a whole is much stronger than even a few years ago.
> 
> I like this board I can learn quite a bit about good ways to handle things but "love languages" seriously that kind of talk is just not helpful in itself. Maybe I have not read enough on here to get through the meaning of broadcasting love languages but again really just appreciate comments without being told to read a book or fall into some male vs. female dynamics lexicon.
> 
> ...


Second comment first - I really relate to what you say about her from her perspective; just try to see it from her point of view or indeed anyone's - push and you get nowhere, back off and let someone come to you and it's more successful. Maybe she needs *VERY* gentle reminders of how sexy and flirtatious she CAN be sometimes (she might on top of everything else doubt her own abilities in that way) and how great that makes YOU feel - but really baby steps.
First comment: Please recognise this is key to the way possibly the majority of women regain intimacy - NON sexually first. Crucial. Critical. Read your own comment and inwardly digest! Sounds to me like she's trying.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

The backing off thing does not seem to work at all. What happens is that we just don't have sex. I see part of the problem is that she does not want to pursue me or sex but does enjoy it sometimes. Like some other women have commented on this board they just don't like to initiate. 

We had a big talk about her lack of response toward me out of bedroom and she told me well I do think you are "hot" and all that but this is just not how she is. Well I told her this is hard as I give her compliments etc and other little things that she enjoys clearly but nothing much comes back. 

As far as sex - it is ok when we do but we are still talking 2-3 times per month tops. After about 6-7 days of no sex for no apparent reason (no period or health reason) than I get a bit moody and she is like what is wrong. It sucks because when I bring it up it is "pressure" - dam such bull**** but I love her and we have a family. She has no concern at all for my needs. 

So last night after a week of no sex and know she will be starting her 8 day period soon I made a move on her and she was receptive. It was going ok but then it was ouch dont touch me like that it hurts - she then said I am going to be sore tomorrow. So we stopped -- ahh we had barely started me using fingers on her which she normally loves. Then I asked well if I use my penis is that going to hurt too and she said well it is softer but will probably be sore -- she then commented I am not sure what is wrong (Ahh it is always something and I am sure she is not lying but this gets old). The main problem was once again I was doing all the work and she was not even touching me or saying anything. I was pissed I even bothered. So I just got up and said I will just go have sex with myself then --- I am so sick of this.


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## Mamie (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow, I just read your post and it could be my Husband talking about me!!!! I posted earlier (will this work on my husband). I don't know if your wife is thinking the same way I am. For a long time I had the idea that my husband was supposed to be the aggressor and I shouldn't have to be all flirty and done up all the time because he already knows who I am. 
I'm finally realizing its not the case. I know I need to put in more effort and initiate and act seductive, but now it almost feels too late. We haven't had sex in two months, I feel so depressed. But now I can't even find the urge to try to initiate because I feel rejected....
Hopefully your wife will figure things out, but don't just give up on her or be cold to her. It really only makes things worse


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have got to say that living with a partner like this, I can go through the motions and guess what might work, but I truly and deeply do not get it. I am utterly dumbfounded by a partner who would do this or why. It is so far off the map of my understanding that it doesn't feel real, which is why I'm indifferent to whether it gets fixed.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I will just suggest what so many others have. Read a book.

I know you have repeatedly said you don't want to. So I will assume that this just isn't that important. I understand that your marriage isn't worth doing something especially hard, like maybe a triathlon. But reading a book is really pretty easy. If your marriage isn't worth doing something that is easy, then I suggest you stop complaining about it not getting better.

The book I suggest is Athol Kay's Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Mamie - I think that is close to how my wife feels. Because rarely and I mean rarely in the past she would say something or whatever and I might teasingly blow her off - having done that for a few years. Well she does this to me regularly and I felt like giving it back - not mature but hey feel like a sucker some times. So funny that she can worry herself about rejection when she routinely does it to me. 

Runslikeadog - So this is not real? Odd comment you just dont care because it is so odd. Hey trust me it is real and I guess the natural reaction for people with high sex drives is to say no way could I tolerate that...but if you are in love you just suck it up. It is a big problem but worse things in life trust me I know.

Books -- done it and have read several good ones together and it just did not help. Counseling did help some for sure and did in many other areas of our marriage but I really do not want to go to counseling forever and she was really stuck on me improving things but sort of tossing out my main concern of sex. To her I think it truly seems like a small issue ie she just does not get it.

BTW - the morning after latest incident I was sort of waiting for her to say something like how wrong that was or some other load of crap but she was actually nice and hugged me and was sweet. And thank god did not want to have some big conversation about it -- need a whole lot less talking and some more action over here. Never liked the song but it sure makes some sense. I know for a fact if I was a jerk and got all dressed up and went out with the guys and was vague and all that she might get a bit jealous and pursue me a bit - but seriously I am over that and do not want to push those buttons.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I didn't say it's not real. I said that if your spouse appears to suddenly have zero interest and zero explanation then maybe what was normal was not going from sexual health to some problem but that your spouse never had any sexual interest and covered it up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

normalguy said:


> I know for a fact if I was a jerk and got all dressed up and went out with the guys and was vague and all that she might get a bit jealous and pursue me a bit - but seriously I am over that and do not want to push those buttons.


So you know for a fact that are some buttons that you can push that will give you some success, but you would rather push the buttons that don't work? Good luck with that. :scratchhead:

Perhaps your wife has you figured out better than you realize.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Did you inform her BEFORE you married that you want her to carry on like a hormonal 13 year old girl for the rest of her life?


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Well I dont push the jealousy button cause while I might get some immediate sex or whatever that is just not a healthy thing to mess with. 

Hormonal 13 year old -- well that would not help to say that.

Well I tried.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

So I know this may be boring circular thing to many of you but does help me to get this down here.

So after another week without sex I was pretty frustrated. We had a few really nice days and each night I thought ok maybe but I am not going to push it and get rejected again - so tired of it. 

Well finally decided to push forward as my wife seriously does not initiate and I really wanted sex. We were having a good day but then she comes home and tells me well I need to go see doctor as I have another yeast infection (yes I know gross). Well I sort of lost it -- she knew I have been wanting sex and has been blowing me off and now it is obviously out of the question for several days and then it will be time for her 8 day long period. Then who knows? it is always something. 

She tried to play the whole well I can't have sex dont you understand. I was like yeah I get it but what about all those days that you could and you just don't. I told her I am just sick of this as why can't you see that this is something I need period. If I had a period but she was horny I would find a way to pleasure her - but somehow this does not even enter her mind. I told her that and a lot more. She was like so do you want a divorce? She knows that I am committed and this was just a test. I told her you know that is not what I want I just need more sex. Then she plays the whole I need to feel connected etc. etc. and I do understand that but it is like I have to walk on water over hear for days on end to have sex with my wife - heck she does annoying things and ticks me off to but I let it go - it seems she records it in her brain for future I am not in the mood. 

She asked about going back to counseling. Hell no - that was her deal to change me and it was funny because I really did improve in lots of ways and she was happy --- but guess what she still was reluctant to help me in the one area I requested - SEX. It was like we were dating again -- testing, testing, testing. So no I told her I am not going back as I know that would be like another reset button. I told her I am open to reading books with her if she wants but all I really need is more sex - thats it. Cannot make do with 0-2 times per month. For some reason she does not understand that if we had more frequent sex this would help me to be "connected" to her. Our counselor got it - she called it our chicken-egg issue as who knows which is first. 

So we shall see. I seriously wonder if she is a bit happy about the yeast infection and then the coming 8 day period. In her mind this gives her more time to test me and see if I am worthy and also she wont feel "pressure". I swear I just don't get it. She has great orgasms every time - enjoys it but then I guess gets amnesia. Before you tell me to get a divorce or move out understand I love her and will never leave - we have kids and I have to wake up next to them all every day. She is a great mom and a solid wife - I JUST NEED SEX


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## Prometheus Pyrphoros (Jun 16, 2011)

Could there be any health issues causing this problem? Also, what was she like before, was sex ever more frequent?
Regards

--
Gloria in excelsis Deo, et in terra pax hominibus bonae voluntatis


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

normalguy said:


> So I know this may be boring circular thing to many of you but does help me to get this down here.
> 
> So after another week without sex I was pretty frustrated. We had a few really nice days and each night I thought ok maybe but I am not going to push it and get rejected again - so tired of it.
> 
> ...


Need, need, need, want, want, want. It sounds like a broken record - of neediness. As a woman, I would seriously be unattracted to that, and your wife likely is too.

Sex, sex, sex. Where is the intimacy? Where is the caring for your wife? Just comes across as selfish, maybe she gets this same vibe and she is turned off by that?

You know, you should be going to counselling to change YOURSELF for the better, your wife can't change you, only you can change you. Have you read the Man Up/Nice Guy stickies in the Men's Clubhouse?

Do you think you are passing any of the tests you feel are being thrown your way?

I don't want this post to come across as harsh, but it seems that there is a big disconnect between you two - she may not understand how fundamental your need is, but do you really understand what hers are? Can you be the better person to take the first step forward in trying to find out what she really needs and try to meet those and move forward? Can you be the better person to learn to become a stronger, more attractive man in the way your wife needs? Otherwise, you could be on this carousel for a long time.


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Well I can tell you for sure I am not a needy guy at all. That is just not me. But go ask 100 guys out there if they could handle having sex only 1-2 month and they will tell you they NEED more. That is it. 
I think early in our relationship when I was in my early 20s I did not even notice that she was not really that flirtatious at all or initiating. I think I had such a giant ego at that age it was like yeah I am great I am a stud you don't even have to say it. Funny now looking back at how dumb I was. But we fell in love at the same time and she clearly wanted me and still wants me - but for her sex is just a like desert. You know you have sometimes but not really required with every meal. Well I don't need it every night but I do need to have sex more with her. Yes need - I think sex with your spouse is a basic part of marriage.
Counseling was really good for us both in many ways but she seriously thought her concerns with me were so valid but mine were like I said - desert. 
As far as health issue - yes I think this is a part of it. It is possible that she has a low drive in some ways due to medications and obviously frequent yeast infections are problematic. But again - I distinctively remember us having sex one day after I had a pretty serious surgery. - If she woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to do the kinkiest thing she could think of -- I would. But for me the stars and planets have to align perfectly and then maybe - my main point with her is that she needs to realize that in a committed relationship she has to realize it is not just about her needs but mine too. 

Married women out there - is this how you would treat your husband sexually ? if you were committed to him (she is) and attracted to him (she says she is). Would you expect your husband to just accept whatever or would you want to please him?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

normalguy said:


> Married women out there - is this how you would treat your husband sexually ? if you were committed to him (she is) and attracted to him (she says she is). Would you expect your husband to just accept whatever or would you want to please him?


Well, it's not how I treat my husband. We basically have an "open door" policy. I may not be real high drive, but I am willing to be aroused, and if he wants to, then I go ahead. But I so much LOVE my husband and am committed to him, our marriage, and our family.

It took me a long time to really understand the sex - intimacy connection with him. I am not sure what actually happened for me to see this - perhaps it was just gradual.

I said you seemed needy because of the way you presented your post. If your wife feels like she's always badgered, then that could really turn her off.

So, even though she has recurrent yeast infections and such, is she ever willing to try and do other things with you - manual sex or oral sex? I don't get these kinds of infections, but we resort to these two things when it's that time of the month. Unless I have the worst cramps or headache, we still try and be intimate in some kind of way.

Is your wife responsive to you when you flirt with her? Do you flirt with her at all anymore? Do you casually touch her throughout the day? My H is great about softly stroking or pinching me when he walks by me, and then giving me the "wagging" eyebrows. If your wife is slow to percolate, then think of ways that you can throw some more wood on to the fire - slowly, everyday.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

normalguy said:


> Married women out there - is this how you would treat your husband sexually ? if you were committed to him (she is) and attracted to him (she says she is). Would you expect your husband to just accept whatever or would you want to please him?



If the husband is a good husband, emotionally connected, affectionately present, patient & kind for the most part, attentive to her needs -whatever they may be - then I feel a good wife would care about her husbands's physical needs. She should care. 

I would never leave my husband hanging. Years ago, I didnt think about it much but if he ever asked, I was happy to do it. I would be ashamed of myself these days, if he even had to "ask". 

It is so easy to take care of a man, a willing pleasurable hand job on her part would probably be all you need every couple nights, 10 minutes of her time maybe. Especially when she is on her monthy or on medication for a yeast infection- for those 8 days. I don't think many women realize's how this can TAME the raging beast. Until women have walked in a man's shoes , they simply can not relate, and it is very very very unfortunate. She needs a book like this to open her eyes Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520625): Laura Schlessinger: Books

Loving our men sexually is also about "respect" , men need this from us. Love this book too. Women want Love, Men want Respect --and Sex of coarse. Amazon.com: Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (9781591451877): Emerson Eggerichs: Books

Does she take something like this keep these Yeast infections at bay, not sure if it helps but worth a try ... Amazon.com: Yeast Infection Tablets 60 Tablets: Health & Personal Care


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

normalguy said:


> I seriously wonder if she is a bit happy about the yeast infection and then the coming 8 day period.


My bet is yes she is happy about it. 1-2 times a month is all your wife wants. I've got a friend like that. She could care less about sex but thankfully she does do it just to keep him happy. As the high drive spouse I've lectured her plenty. Her husband should thank me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> My bet is yes she is happy about it. 1-2 times a month is all your wife wants. I've got a friend like that. She could care less about sex but thankfully she does do it just to keep him happy. As the high drive spouse I've lectured her plenty. Her husband should thank me.


I have a friend like this too, she told me her husband has cried when she has refused him at least on one occasion. I asked her if she felt bad, she said she does not feel much, she is just not interested. I've known them both since 11 th grade, he comes from a nicer family and is a very good christian man, does everything for her , he would NEVER cheat, and never leave her - she even says she loves him but has zero concern for his needs. She just doesn't get it, nor does she care too. I told her to her face, If I was marreid to her, I would leave her. 

She listens to all my stories, inspiration - but for some reason, nothing sinks in, she is a LD woman and knows he will stick by her till his death . Regardless of how it could revive their marraige if she gave just a little more, showed him some desire. 

What can you do!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I have a friend like this too, she told me her husband has cried when she has refused him at least on one occasion. I asked her if she felt bad, she said she does not feel much, she is just not interested. I've known them both since 11 th grade, he comes from a nicer family and is a very good christian man, does everything for her , he would NEVER cheat, and never leave her - she even says she loves him but has zero concern for his needs. She just doesn't get it, nor does she care too. I told her to her face, If I was marreid to her, I would leave her.
> 
> She listens to all my stories, inspiration - but for some reason, nothing sinks in, she is a LD woman and knows he will stick by her till his death . Regardless of how it could revive their marraige if she gave just a little more, showed him some desire.
> 
> What can you do!


This is sad, because you can still be a LD spouse, but be willing to give to your HD spouse. It is hard to know how to get a LD spouse to see the light (and in my relationship I am the LD spouse), especially if the HD spouse is not willing to take action, set those boundaries, and enforce them. A HD spouse can perpetuate the situation indefinitely by doing ... nothing about it.

@OP: What is the willingness level of your wife? Is she willing to work with you? I think not being willing to work out a solution suggests a lack of commitment to your spouse/marriage.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

normalguy said:


> Well I can tell you for sure I am not a needy guy at all. That is just not me. But go ask 100 guys out there if they could handle having sex only 1-2 month and they will tell you they NEED more. That is it.
> I think early in our relationship when I was in my early 20s I did not even notice that she was not really that flirtatious at all or initiating. I think I had such a giant ego at that age it was like yeah I am great I am a stud you don't even have to say it. Funny now looking back at how dumb I was. But we fell in love at the same time and she clearly wanted me and still wants me - but for her sex is just a like desert. You know you have sometimes but not really required with every meal. Well I don't need it every night but I do need to have sex more with her. Yes need - I think sex with your spouse is a basic part of marriage.
> Counseling was really good for us both in many ways but she seriously thought her concerns with me were so valid but mine were like I said - desert.
> As far as health issue - yes I think this is a part of it. It is possible that she has a low drive in some ways due to medications and obviously frequent yeast infections are problematic. But again - I distinctively remember us having sex one day after I had a pretty serious surgery. - If she woke me up in the middle of the night and asked me to do the kinkiest thing she could think of -- I would. But for me the stars and planets have to align perfectly and then maybe - my main point with her is that she needs to realize that in a committed relationship she has to realize it is not just about her needs but mine too.
> ...


I am sad to say that I was a woman who treated my husband like that sexually. And yes I expected him to just accept whatever. And I even more sad to say he did accept whatever for many many years. 

This is so complicated but I will try to give you some of what was in my head. Bottom line - I did not believe that sex was a "need". It wasn't for me - just like you said, it was desert. I felt it was a "want" and in my selfish opinion it was a selfish "want" on his part. Quite frankly, I would have been happy to forgo sex completely during those years. Yes I had orgasms, this is hard for a man to comprehend, but here it goes - they just weren't worth the effort. I was overwhelmed with life, with my kids, and sex just seemed like one more thing that someone was requiring me to do. Orgasm or no orgasm - I was emotionally drained with raising my children and felt I was giving all I could to my husband (which was in reality - measly leftovers). 

And to be honest, I didn't think anything was missing from our marriage without the sex. I know differently now, but how do you explain to someone that has never had chocolate - just what they are missing? Just like you, my husband loved me, he was kind to me, we did things together, he was sometimes emotionally distant, but so was I. In my mind that was marriage. I knew he would never leave me - so why should I change my attitude about sex? I thought he should just adjust!

Why should your wife change her attitude? Is she being selfish - of course she is, but she probably thinks you are the one being selfish. That is what I thought back then. 

The way I see it Normalguy - you have a real problem here and are at an impasse. You have tried to explain over and over and she is not changing her behavior. So either she still doesn't get it or she gets it and doesn't care! Either case - you ain't getting "it"

I would advise you to go to counseling. However, I would advise you to switch to a sex therapist. Look one up under AASECT. While I am sure you have marital issues on top of the sex issue - (we all do) - YOUR main complaint is of a sexual nature. I don't know what your wife's complaints are - but they will also be addressed if you go to a sex therapist. You see - Sex therapist are trained counselors (trained in the same way MC and IC are) except that they also have additional specialty training in sexual issues. They will and do the same kind of counseling as MC and IC. You will get the marriage counseling - along with their specialized training about sexual areas of marriage. 

What you are doing now is not working - nor do I think it will work. There is no reason for your wife to change - because you have already said you won't leave the marriage. And I am not advising you to. But you have to DO something to let her know this is a need and you will NOT continue on the way you are! So what is it? What will you DO to show her that?_


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Well thank you all -

I do appreciate your perspective. Enchanted - I know it is hard to understand someone off a few posts and my response to your needy comment I get now. And then I read how you had sex with your husband or were intimate in some way during your cycle - ok that has not happened once in 10 years of marriage. 

Yes - we are at an impasse. But really I am just going to stick to my guns that I need more. I think she will get it as I saw a glimmer the other day. A sex therapist might be a good idea but seriously I am afraid that for my wife this just opens up the whole meet me in the middle - which will still be crumbs. I hope you understand I love her - I tell her she is beautiful - I flirt with her - I do it all and she likes it but just says it has never been in her nature to respond that way. 

She will be sweet and give me a hug and kiss and touch me nicely as we move throughout the house - and yes I need to do more of that -- but I have tried that and end up feeling like a fool when I don't get the one thing I have been asking for. 

So for starters please could you all give me some good books? Ones that discuss how to get past sexual differences. I really am not interested in love languages - I know hers she knows mine -- I aint getting mine. 

thanks


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Have you tried 'physical flirting?' hmmm how to explain it...

When she's watching TV, put your arms around her, kiss her neck, or while she's ironing, put your arms around her and slowly move your hands up/down while you're behind her, or while sitting down on the sofa together, stroke her inner thighs, etc etc. Or while she's in the shower, sneak in, eye her up and let her see you do it, etc etc. Or if she's sore, give her a massage, then slowly move to more 'questionable' areas... Or if she's gardening in the backyard, wrestle her to the ground and 'play'. And if she resists, talk dirty, treat it like a game - don't believe her when she says no especially when her beating increases, breathing becomes more irregular etc


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## normalguy (May 27, 2011)

Nice thought but really. I am a normal horny dude. I would not eat all day long if I could be promised sex that night. 

So I have done the little notes, the emails, the text, the sext, the being helpful, being rude, making things easy for her, standing up, standing down --- etc. etc.

When we were in counseling and the counselor suggested a few things to get more in the mood. I was like ok - think Dr. Suess she doesnt want in the train, or the bus, or whatever. And my wife said yep that is true. She just has to somehow be in the mood. Are there things that help...sure but it does not really get me there. And sometimes this shows difference between us because she will see all the sweetness or sexy behaviour and she will give me a hug or kiss and a nice smile etc. See for her it was just nice..but the sex is just like I said an extra. So then when we don't have sex and I am getting frustrated she feels pressured I can tell. 

Again we have really great fun sex....ah but so rarely. So anyway that I can get her to see that this is a normal need would help. Books I guess? I really wish she would talk to some of her girlfriends but she just does not. 

Thanks for the help. Thinking books might help or any websites that discuss this? But all the little tips of how to act not going to work. I mean I know I treat her well. I love her I work full time she works part time but I still do more than half of household things etc. I dont mind that as she really is patient with kids and takes time in ways that I would not but I really do look out for her and she knows it. I am the guy or dad that is hard to buy a gift for because seriously i dont care - I want her and the kids to have the nice things and I could care less. I am no saint but I know that she is not the stressed out over worked wife - while I complain about sex when she does all the work. 

thanks


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

normalguy said:


> Well thank you all -
> 
> A sex therapist might be a good idea but seriously I am afraid that for my wife this just opens up the whole meet me in the middle - which will still be crumbs. I hope you understand I love her - I tell her she is beautiful - I flirt with her - I do it all and she likes it but just says it has never been in her nature to respond that way.


Meet in the middle is probably the best you can reasonably hope for. She might have a Damascene moment - you never know, but she might react very badly to the suggrestion too. A friend of mine suggested this to his wife, she took it as a deep affront.



> So for starters please could you all give me some good books? Ones that discuss how to get past sexual differences. I really am not interested in love languages - I know hers she knows mine -- I aint getting mine.
> 
> thanks


You could try MEM's idea of shutting down the affection, which appears to have a reasonable success rate. I guess it depends on whether she gets the cooling down as:
a) something she needs to react to and make improvements around;
b) an opportunity to avoid getting bothered by you;
c) an attack on her that just makes her entrench further.

"A" is obviously the intended result, but keep the law of unintended consequences in mind...


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Normalguy - you just don't get it! (in more ways than one)

Books - articles - you'll find tons. Just google it!!!! But why in the world do you think it is going to do any good? What's a book going to say to her that you have not already said? Do you think your going to find a book that says men need sex - show it to your wife - and she is going to say - "OH I get it now! Of course, honey lets have sex anytime you want!" 

You can't change your wife - she has to change herself. And in order to do that - there has to be something that makes her WANT to change. And then she will need to have help figuring out how to change. And yes - there will have to be compromises made by both of you. That is part of marriage.

I am sorry you discounted the sex therapist - cause honestly - I think it's your best bet. There are two main reasons why I think this. 1. It shows your wife you are serious about this - that it's a problem, and you are willing to spend the money and time to fix it. 2. It gives you access to a professional who deals with this all the time! It's like going to a doctor for an illness. Yeah - you can get books and read - but you are just a lay person self diagnosing - even worse you are diagnosing someone else by what you think are their symptoms. Why would you not seek someone who has the knowledge, skills, and education to help you get the right diagnosis and treatment?

Good Luck!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

mary35 said:


> Normalguy - you just don't get it! (in more ways than one)
> 
> Books - articles - you'll find tons. Just google it!!!! But why in the world do you think it is going to do any good? What's a book going to say to her that you have not already said? Do you think your going to find a book that says men need sex - show it to your wife - and she is going to say - "OH I get it now! Of course, honey lets have sex anytime you want!"
> 
> ...


:iagree:

If your wife isn't at the point where she is willing to be enlightened, then her reading a book about it will likely not help any more than talking has. If she was at that point of enlightenment and willing to make a change to improve the relationship, it may help.

I agree with mary35 - there are no consequences for your wife's action/inaction, so if she has a similar thought process as mary35 described in her earlier post, you are likely to see little traction going forward.

If you want to read a book, however, you could read some that may help you instead, such as some that could shed some light on women's needs in marriage and female sexuality. If she isn't at the point to want to understand you better, then get to the point where you begin to understand her better.


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