# lost in love...



## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

I am new here but i need serious advice.

I am 37 and I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together 20 years but only married for close to 8. He told me that he cheated on me this past Oct with a woman he has cheated with previously. The "act" happened in July (i think) but he told me in Oct. He only told me because he thought he caught an STD so I had to get checked (I was clean) but this hurt me super bad. We have 2 kids (2 and 4) and my body image was low anyway so now i feel really ugly and unattractive. Adding insult to injury we only have sex once a month anyway and now it's really sad when we do because i wonder if it's me he really wants. 

He says that he loves me and wants to be with me only but I cant shake the thoughts of them. I work out but I feel fat and majorly unattractive. No one hits on me or even notices me so my self esteem is gone. We are trying but I need to get my life back. i wanted to do therapy but our finances are low and we cant really afford it. He thinks things are fine and when I try to bring it up he says that i am going through a mid life crisis. he has all but put his bad act in the past and doesnt want to bring it up gain. I wish i could so the same but those thoughts keep creeping back in. And that coupled with my other self esteem issues makes my life hell. 

Any advice given would be appreciated.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> I am new here but i need serious advice.
> 
> I am 37 and I married my high school sweetheart. We have been together 20 years but only married for close to 8. He told me that he cheated on me this past Oct with a woman he has cheated with previously. The "act" happened in July (i think) but he told me in Oct. He only told me because he thought he caught an STD so I had to get checked (I was clean) but this hurt me super bad. We have 2 kids (2 and 4) and my body image was low anyway so now i feel really ugly and unattractive. Adding insult to injury we only have sex once a month anyway and now it's really sad when we do because i wonder if it's me he really wants.
> 
> ...


I'm glad you came here. You'll find lots of support and hard-earned wisdom. 

It sounds like he is not remorseful. He's cheated multiple times and with the same person? He wants to bury it in the past? He could have given you an STD? This is not something to be swept over - for your sanity and for the future health of your marriage. Were there any consequences to his cheating? Please tell us more about how Dday played out (Dday 1 and 2 or more). We can give you better advice by seeing how you've been responding to date.

There is a quote by a Persian mystic that I think everyone here - especially you! - deserves to hear and feel: “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.”

I think it's also hug time from a friend on TAM:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry that you find yourself here. There can be a lot of help here though so I hope you find what you need here.

While you cannot afford counseling right now, there are some self help and marriage help books that I think can really help you. I find that they often do as much good as hours of counseling.

Here are two books that I think will help you at this point... read them in this order:

"Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley
"His Needs, Her Needs" also by Dr. Harley


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Others will give advice, but I want to point out a few things.

He is trying to rug sweep. This never works. He wants you to just forget about what he did, so there are no consequences. It is like having your child steal something out of a store and rather than making him see that what he did was wrong, etc, he just tells you "Mom, get over it". If you let him get away with it, he will steal again.

He is trying to shift the attention of what he did to you. He cheated, yet he is telling you that you can't get over it, because you are having a midlife crisis. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

Do you have any medical conditions that cause you to not lose weight? I know I had lots of medical problems, but it was the medications that was causing me to be unable to lose weight and was causing other problems. I suggest you make time for yourself and work really hard to lose the weight. Not necessarily for him, but for your self esteem. Find a different diet...less carbs, more meat and veggies. Smaller portions more times a day. Find a small dish and make that your limit. For me, I find those smaller paper bowls are the right size. I have a few snacks in between like dry cheerios or a salad. My workout is about 1hr45min on the treadmill. I started out with 1 hour walking on flat surface. Gradually increased it to an incline of 10 and that is where the machine stays through all but 10 minutes of my workout. I have dropped almost 65 pounds since October. Enough that I now have to cut back on the number of days a week I workout, because I have almost reached my limit. I don't want to appear anorexic.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

Thanks so much and I will get those books right away.

DD happened with him waking me up early one Sat morning and just telling me. He was crying and all I could do was sit there and stare. I wanted to leave the house but my babies were sleep still. Over the next few days was more like having a ghost walk around. We didnt talk at all. The first avail. day I called my Dr. and made an appt. I was given the token shot and pills and was told the blood work would be back in a day or so.

His test results came back before mine and his were negative. I assumed his guilt is what made him think he had something. I tried to talk with him since close to a week went by and this is when he told me it was with that woman. I told him our marriage was over. 

after me yelling, him drinking and confessing his love for me to his close family who he told and me really breaking down and trashing our house (when the kids were sleep), i thought I was ready to start working on my healing. 

I told him that he had to earn my love and trust again. we went on a few "dates" and really seemed to be doing better. I guess this is why he thinks all is peachy but my mind keeps going back to his cheating and my low self esteem. i started working out to help me and lower my own stress. I want the other woman to fall off a cliff and die. I want my husband to know the pain of betrayal and hurt like i do.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

He will never know your pain, no matter what you do. You can scare the crap out of him though. Consult a lawyer, find out your options, prepare to file, and don't hide it. Make the consequences for his choices real to him in a big way.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i just find it really strange how a person can do wrong and think that a few tears, some i'm sorrys and a promise to never do it again will fix something like this. i am scarred for life and i dont know how to deal.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> i just find it really strange how a person can do wrong and think that a few tears, some i'm sorrys and a promise to never do it again will fix something like this. i am scarred for life and i dont know how to deal.


You are likely a very empathetic person, which is why his inability to understand your pain is so frustrating. (Yay for your beautiful soul!) 

I don't know what to say, but most cheaters don't "get it" until they face major consequences. Even then, they may only reform for their own sake (not wanting to lose their marriage). However, as intimacy is resumed, they may come to see the pain they caused.

Especially if they want to pursue such behavior again in the future, they'd prefer to not make a big deal out of it, and to not acknowledge the pain of the cheatee. 

Ultimately, it's bad news if they aren't remorseful. Such an attitude usually does not bode well for the future. Again, I'm sorry you are dealing with this Hurt&Confused!


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i dont drink, smoke or do drugs. I'm college educated and I work hard everyday. i would like to think that i'm a decent catch. today's society makes this type of behavior ok and almost glamorous. i really hate this feeling. I fell in love with my husband all over again when I got pregnant and that is what makes this betrayal so hard to stomach


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

I dont know her but I have her cell number from our phone records and I checked her out on facebook. i dont have the energy to keep tabs on him. I dont know if they have been in contact past DD but if it happens at his job I will never know. I dont want to be reduced to stalking her...

Im my opinion she is not attractive but hey im not him.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

From what you have written, this is not a man acting as if he is remorseful nor the actions of a man who will not stray again. There is a higher probability of something happening again if the thing is swept away as he seems to wish.

You are in a very difficult position with young children, tight finances and by your own admission you have low self esteem.

Is separation or divorce something you have even thought about? I ask because if you do take a firm stand on his unfaithfulness, those options could be brought out by him. 

You should decide how far you are ready to go with this.


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i am trying to wrap my arms around this. so much time has past and it's my fault for being so weak around him. Im normally such a strong personality but with him im a mouse. i love him so much. I want to believe so hard that he loves me. maybe he isnt seeing her but sometimes i think he really wants to be. not sure where these feelings are coming from but its how i feel sometimes. 

maybe it is me being weak, maybe it's me not believing in me and truly trusting him. I dont know. all i do know is that i thought my marriage was solid in Sept of last year and in Oct my world crashed in on me. I have spent the holidays trying to get back to feeling good about myself and my life. Some days are perfect, we laugh together and really enjoy the kids and each other and then there are times where i feel he doesnt want to be with me.

he cheated, he lied and i hurt. this is my life now. One big roller coaster....


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

i hate my life. I love my kids just really hate everything else.....they are the reason why im still here. I wish my parents were still alive...At least I would have somewhere where I could go visit and talk.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> i hate my life. I love my kids just really hate everything else.....they are the reason why im still here. I wish my parents were still alive...At least I would have somewhere where I could go visit and talk.


awww Hurt&confused... hang in there! I hear you with the "I hate my life" except I would insert "I love [my dog] just really hate everything else...." 

You're not alone. Sadly, there are lots of us miserable souls here - posting, lurking, or crying alone. All because of selfish cheaters who shatter worlds and sledge-hammer hearts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Hurt&confused92 said:


> i am trying to wrap my arms around this. so much time has past and it's my fault for being so weak around him. Im normally such a strong personality but with him im a mouse. i love him so much. I want to believe so hard that he loves me. maybe he isnt seeing her but sometimes i think he really wants to be. not sure where these feelings are coming from but its how i feel sometimes.
> 
> maybe it is me being weak, maybe it's me not believing in me and truly trusting him. I dont know. all i do know is that i thought my marriage was solid in Sept of last year and in Oct my world crashed in on me. I have spent the holidays trying to get back to feeling good about myself and my life. Some days are perfect, we laugh together and really enjoy the kids and each other and then there are times where i feel he doesnt want to be with me.
> 
> he cheated, he lied and i hurt. this is my life now. One big roller coaster....


He needs to know that the old marriage is gone and the two of you have to negotiate a new marriage. One with total and complete transparency for him. He is the one who cheated and he is the one who should be doing the heavy lifting to get the marriage back on track.

What he's doing is rug-sweeping. It's in the past for him. It's not in the past for you and he needs to make it right.


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

You are not alone in your feelings. No one would have thought I would feel worthless, not good enough, a failure or have self-esteem issues. I am usually very out going. This has indeed rocked your world as did many other BS. Never wanted to be here, don't want to be here but the man you "love" didn't have enough respect for you or your marriage. Please follow the advise from these wonderful people who have been through it. I waited too long to do some of the actions that should have a taken place so it is working very slow. However I love him enough to give him the chance to make it right and I am taking my sweet time getting my affairs in order. (not those kind of affairs.


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## Spectron2010 (Oct 7, 2012)

Wow C&H I feel so the same way as you right now. I can't understand how someone can "love" so and hurt you! I have a good life and am a pretty happy person but since finding out in September that he was sexting with a coworker for 4 years ( Have no proof that they slept together but after 4 years...something had to ahve happened) I am just not the same. I don't know why I haven't just kicked him to the curb...but I think I am close to that.
I send you big hugs cause this sucks so much!!...and I have the love of my dog...no kids which might be a good thing


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## Hurt&confused92 (Apr 6, 2013)

it eats at me most days and then some days I am fine. I dont like feeling like this. I want to trust him but then if I do I am scared that he will mess it up and I will be worse off. 

I have to deal with these demons in my head and I have to make him understand that I am not fine. I just dont know how to begin to tell him that I am still affected by this.


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