# I think my wife is abusive...



## zero

hi,

my wife wants to separate from me today. she has been threatening to do so everytime we fight, and after i say sorry and do things to make it up to her, everything is alright. but when i do something that displeases her, it all happens again. i always thought i was at fault, which i truly believe since no one is perfect, so i sought professional help. i was diagnosed as clinically depressed.

now, why am i writing here? because reading the thread titled "i am an abusive wife", i was curious and Googled "abusive wife". I found several checklists, and was shocked and surprised how accurate most of the items were. (especially the part where it talks about the "result" of each behavior). 

so what do i do now? should i move out and let her fulfill her wish of separating from me? should i tell her she might need help? (i suggested before she needed help, but about her anger issues, but her reply to me was she'd only see a doctor, if i go back to mine) She thinks my depression is a huge reason for all our problems, and she has always made me feel that i am always at fault. She chooses which among my friends i go out with, chooses where i should go (if its far, no. if its a five minute walk away, yes). i am afraid to do anything out of the ordinary, for fear she might not approve. with this current problem, i can't even call or talk to my friends for support because i feel that if she finds out i am talking to them, she'll have more reason to leave me. 

i want to fix my marriage. but i am overwhelmed by the possibility that she might be an abusive wife. how do i go about fixing all this?


----------



## SadSamIAm

I did the same thing. I read the article about abusive wives and my wife does most all of these things. 'Walking on Eggshells' really resonates with me. 

I am never good enough. Always trying to please her. She with holds sex and I think it is her way of taking power. She doesn't like the vulnerability she feels when really letting go during sex. 

I have never been as close to leaving as I have been the last few days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zero

yes, the same article "walking on eggshells" also hit home. 

everything i do is wrong, and i blame myself for not being a better person. 

the thing is though, she is the one who initiates sex, i am the one withholding. maybe it's because i don't feel respected enough. when i do feel the urge, i just keep it to myself, waiting for her to initiate. sometimes, i just do it to avoid arguments ("you don't find me attractive", "you are thinking of someone else", etc.)

i always told her that i am afraid of her, but she scoffs and points at me for all the faults i have done her. 

when i talk about my depression, she tries to talk with me about it, but i never feel she is genuinely concerned. always blaming it for my faults.

i might leave home tonight to give her the space she wants, to get her to think. i don't want to of course, but i think i need the time alone too


----------



## SadSamIAm

I feel for you. 
I am a successful businessman. In my line of work I am very well respected. I am confident when I am at work or anywhere away from my wife.

Funny you mentioned going away. My kids are all away at friends places for the weekend. A rare time that my wife and I have the house to ourselves. But all I can think of is driving away somewhere and staying in a hotel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## zero

I know what you mean. For years, I was a successful musician, relatively famous and loved and respected by a lot of people. I was asked to stop by my wife two years ago, so I did. Stopped me from seeing my friends from that life as well. I am now a struggling businessman. 

The past weeks have been extremely difficult for us financially, and I feel the stress of that has magnified everything. However, I have just been appointed V.P. for marketing for an international finance management and consulting firm, and my business endeavors are slowly gathering steam. But all the potential success so far still makes me feel inadequate in my wife's eyes. 

Like you, when I am away from her, I feel confident and sure of myself. But once I am with her, I begin to retire inside a shell. I work from home so I am always inside my shell, I rarely go out unless I am sure my wife will approve. I only feel free when she is out working.

Oh, and why do I work from home? Because if I work in an office, she'd start to doubt my whereabouts and will always monitor my whereabouts. I work from home to avoid arguments.


----------



## Riverside MFT

Zero and SadSamIam,
Do your wives have any reason to doubt you (i.e. any previous issues with affairs, etc.)? What was your wife like when you got married? How long has she been abusive?

Both of you are in similar situations where your wives are demanding control in one way or another. More than likely their control issues go back to when they were children. There may have been physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse involved. Have you tried suggesting marriage counseling?


----------



## zero

Hi Brian... there was an issue with an affair 3 years ago (lasted 2 months). And that gives me more reason to think that everything is my fault. The reason why I take what she gives, thinking it was my fault. However, she has been the same way even before that. 

The affair started because I needed someone to talk to about those same reasons. How I don't feel respected, how she controls everything I do, how I feel unappreciated. Which was probably how I was easily swayed to do wrong. I know it was wrong, and those are not justifications though. 

Which was why we went to counseling about that, and I saw a therapist. I believed I was always the one at fault. The counseling worked for our relationship, and since that affair, it now rarely gets brought up. Even with the present issues. With the therapist, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. And my wife says that is the reason why I am always at fault. I now never tell my wife whenever I am depressed because she makes me feel that it's my fault, that it's just natural. When she tries to talk with me about it (during times she wants to help me), I never felt she was really into it. That she was just doing the motions. 

Anyway, as I type this, she just texted me that she is on her way home. Now fear is rising up me again. That's how much I am afraid of her  I am even using the computer in private browsing, cause she regularly checks my phone, emails, computer, browsing history, etc. If she finds out I am seeking help here, I am afraid she will flip out and would force me to tell her my account details


----------



## that_girl

I am/was the abusive wife.

It is something I am working on and have seeked out professional help (my 1st appointment was yesterday and it will be beneficial).

I don't know what you can do about this problem until your wife admits she has a problem?

I am reading a book, "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" which talks on behalf of the abuser AND the abusee. It gives insight to past childhood issues and pychological issues that may exist. I knew I had childhood issues (sexual abuse and emotional abuse) and he has childhood issues (emotional abuse, physical abuse) but I never thought this would happen. Silly me.

I am working hard on myself to change. I do not want to lose my husband. Hopefully he'll see this change over time and want to come home.

I wish you the best. I hope you realize you do not deserve to be abused. She may not even realize she is doing it. It is such a vicious cycle. My heart goes out to you and I hope things work out.

Peace.


----------



## Prodigal

Okay, you had an affair three years ago and you have done what you can to make amends for that mistake. You still have guilt about it because you wife is making you feel like you're less-than-nothing.

A long time ago, I was married to a man who scared the crap outta me. I'd dread hearing his car pull into the driveway. I avoided him as much as possible when he was home. 

What you are living in is a kind of hell because it certainly is not a marriage. You will leave when you have had enough. At this point, you are depressed. JMO, but I bet your depression would not be nearly as bad if you could get off from under the "iron fist" you live with.

I understand that it takes time to rebuild trust after a spouse has an affair, but your wife sounds like she's downright brutal. You shouldn't live in fear because life is too short. I'm not saying this to be mean, but there's a saying that "there are no victims, just volunteers." 

Maybe it's time to stand up to this treatment and set a firm boundary. Do it even if you're afraid. I think you've been a doormat long enough.


----------



## SadSamIAm

Riverside MFT said:


> Zero and SadSamIam,
> Do your wives have any reason to doubt you (i.e. any previous issues with affairs, etc.)? What was your wife like when you got married? How long has she been abusive?
> 
> Both of you are in similar situations where your wives are demanding control in one way or another. More than likely their control issues go back to when they were children. There may have been physical, emotional, and/or sexual abuse involved. Have you tried suggesting marriage counseling?


My wife has gotten worse since we had teenagers. We always got along because we had similar views on things. I always agreed with her. But I have always been scared to say what I am feeling. I am scared to make her angry. She is very controlling regarding our teenagers and I am torn between agreeing with my wife in order to keep her happy or to stick up for my children. 

My wife believes I have cheated on her, but I haven't. 27 years ago, when we had only known each other for 2 months, I slept with my old girlfriend when home for Christmas break. She still brings that up. At college (26 years ago) I had a real close female friend, who I never slept with or even fooled with. But my wife thinks I slept with her and still brings it up during fights. A few years ago, a work colleague made a pass at me at a conference. I turned her down. Stupidly, I told my wife about this and she believes that I slept with her.

My wife had anorexia at college for a bit which happened 26 years ago, but she just told me about it 10 years ago or so. She was caught shop lifting about 23 years ago. She never told me until she received a 'pardon' in the mail 10 years later. I still worry that maybe she still shop lifts now, but hasn't been caught. We have lots of money so she doesn't need to, but she spends an hour or two a day looking through stores.

My wife's father was an alcoholic. He was emotionally abusive to her and her siblings and her mother. Everything was always about him and if he didn't get his way, he would get angry, so everyone did what he wanted to do. Same thing with the way my wife is with our family. My wife told me how her father made her feel like a **** when she was a teenager. She wasn't allowed to date, but her father accused her of sleeping around.

Her father passed away a couple of years ago. I didn't think she was as close to him as she apparently was. I think our problems are worse lately because she may be depressed about his death. She seems to be acting more like him, now that he has passed away.

Not sure what all this means. Hoping you can help make sense of it all and provide me with some advice. I am closest I have ever been to just walking away.

Sorry Zero for hi-jacking your thread.


----------



## that_girl

I am realizing that I was abusive because I wanted control.

There are things in my past that have happened (sexual abuse, emotional abuse) that made me feel out of control and I can see that by trying to control everything in my life, people included, I feel more secure because I guess I decided that I would never be out of control again.

I also had an eating disorder that wasn't about being skinny, but being in control. It was, at one time, the only thing I had control over-- what I put in my mouth.

These things do not excuse my behaviour. I am a grown woman. I have no time for excuses. But I am getting help. 

@Sam, may I suggest something? Please do not leave your wife. Instead, try talking to her...saying something like, "Things have to change or I will leave." or something. Although, having my husband leave was really a slap in the face to look at things for what they are.

@ the OP, does your wife have past issues that she hasn't dealt with? I know my mother plays a HUGE role in my behaviour. She won't admit it-- she makes me feel stupid for believing so, which only solidifies my suspicions that she is emotionally abusive herself (she was sexually abused as a child too).


----------



## zero

@Sam: no worries, we are both benefitting from this thread, so you are most welcome to share your experiences. Funny, my wife is the same, even before I had an affair and after (we don't talk about the affair anymore), she always suspects me of sleeping with my girl friends (not girlfriends). Those I was close to before, I am afraid to talk to again, for fear of my wife accusing me. 

@that_girl: Yes, as a matter of fact, similar to Sam's wife, my wife was physically abused by her mother who's an alcoholic. Which is why she hates it when I go out to drink with friends. Though when her mom is sober, she is surprisingly easy to talk to. My wife and i are ok now, we got to talk about our present issues (thanks to her mom surprisingly, who helped make my wife realize she was wrong). However, the problem still remains. How do I open up to her her abusive nature? How do I tell her she needs help?


----------



## Uptown

zero said:


> I found several checklists [for "abusive wife"], and was shocked and surprised how accurate most of the items were.


Zero, "verbally abusive" is only a single behavioral trait and, by itself, doesn't tell you much about your W's underlying problem or her chances for successful therapy. Yet, when you combine that trait with others, you can get a much better understanding of what you're dealing with. Significantly, the behavior you describe -- verbally abusive, controlling, distrustful, blaming every misfortune on you -- are several of the classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I therefore suggest that you read about the nine BPD traits to see if she seems to have most of them at a moderate to strong level. Because these traits (i.e., the red flags) are easy to spot, identifying them is easy. 

What is hard -- and what you cannot do -- is to determine whether those traits are so severe and persistent as to meet the diagnostic criteria for having full blown BPD. Only a professional can do that. Yet, even when BPD traits fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can still be serious enough to undermine a marriage.


> I suggested before she needed help ... about her anger issues.


BPDers (i.e., folks with moderate to strong BPD traits) carry enormous anger inside from early childhood, usually due to a trauma experienced before age five (and due partly to genetics also). A recent large scale study found that 70% of people having a lifetime incidence of BPD (meeting the diagnostic criteria) report having been abused or abandoned in early childhood.

Because, the anger is always there right under the surface in a BPDer, you do not have to do anything to create it. Rather, you only have to say or do some minor thing that triggers a sudden release of the anger already there. This is why BPDers can be acting perfectly fine and then, 10 seconds later, be throwing a hissy fit or temper tantrum (which typically last about five hours).


> She thinks my depression is a huge reason for all our problems.


She may be right. After all, we are not hearing her side of the story. It is possible, however, that your depression is not the _cause_ of your differences but, rather, the _result_ of your living with an abusive BPDer. If so, you are getting off lucky by only being depressed. It is common for spouses of BPDers to feel like they are going crazy or losing their minds. This is why therapists see far more spouses and partners coming in for therapy than they ever do the BPDers themselves.

This crazy feeling arises from trying to make sense of a relationship in which you are alternately loved and devalued every week or two. It is common for caregivers like me to get stuck in such toxic relationships for years -- 15 years in my case -- while trying in vain to figure out what we are doing wrong.


> she has always made me feel that i am always at fault.


BPDers cannot stand to be criticized because they have weak egos. Moreover, because they feel extremely uncomfortable when experiencing strong mixed feelings about a person, they allow themselves to be in contact with only one set of feelings at a time. That is, a BPDer does black-white thinking, wherein she categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment or offense.

Significantly, a BPDer does the same thing with respect to herself. This is one reason she is so resistant to admitting -- even to herself -- that she has a flaw or has done something wrong. Because doing so moves her to the "all bad" category in her mind, she would experience a painful feeling of intense shame.


> She chooses which among my friends i go out with, chooses where i should go.


Because BPPers fear abandonment, they usually are very controlling of every aspect of a loved one's behavior. The goal is not to hurt you but, rather, to prevent you from leaving her. Another goal is to strengthen her control over you by isolating you from friends and family members who might challenge her perception of events. My exW, for example, discourage me from contacting friends and family, and she hated my foster son.


> I am afraid to do anything out of the ordinary, for fear she might not approve.


Your fear of her arises from your own issues, not hers. I suggest that you return to your therapist (ideally, a clinical psychologist) to work on yourself -- not just on the affair occurring three years ago).


> I am afraid she will flip out and would force me to tell her my account details.


Again, you are trying to blame your behavior on her issues. She cannot "force" you to do anything. Due to your own issues, you are CHOOSING to not enforce your personal boundaries.


> the same article "walking on eggshells" also hit home.


To avoid triggering a BPDer's anger, it is common for the spouse to spend years "walking on eggshells" and not being true to himself. This is why the best-selling BPD book (targeted to the spouses and partners) is called _Stop Walking on Eggshells._


> I want to fix my marriage. but i am overwhelmed by the possibility that she might be an abusive wife. how do i go about fixing all this?


If your W has strong BPD traits, she is the only person who can "fix" her underlying issues by spending several years in therapy to learn how to manage them. Until those issues are addressed, marriage counseling is unlikely to help because achieving better communication will not fix her underlying problems.

That said, it remains unclear whether your W has most of the 9 BPD traits at a strong level. I therefore suggest you read more about them to see if they sound familiar. On this forum, you can start with my description of them in Blacksmith's thread. My three posts there begin at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-complicated-marriage-dynamic.html#post358403. If that discussion rings a bell, I would suggest that you go to a clinical psychologist -- on your own without her present -- and seek a professional opinion based on your description -- so you know what you are up against. Meanwhile, if you have any questions about these traits, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to professional articles that can. Take care, Zero.


----------



## zero

@uptown: Thank you for the very thorough reply. The first time I thought my wife needed help, I thought it was just anger management issues. Then being an abusive wife. Now a BPDer... I will read what you referred and will try to figure out the best way to manage this. Thank you. Much appreciated.


----------



## the guy

I don't get it, if she is that unhappy then let her go. I mean stop tring to control her by doing every thing she wants.
As long as you control her by excepting fault then she will never leave. Stop controlling her by keeping her around and excepting something that most likely isn't your fault. 

I think once you stand up and give her the choice to either leave or stay it may help. But what you ar doing is unhealthy for the marriage. Let her make the disicion and stop influencing it by do what she wants you to do.

She is not happy so quit forcing your self to make her happy, and let her go. 

To make some one happy by admitting fault in some thing you didn't do is just so wrong on all levels of a relationship, and you do it by controling her to stay with you...thats nuts


----------



## FinalFrontier

Zero & Sam,

I hope you ignore the insinuations by some that you are to blame for this. Your stories convince me that your wives are out of control and and they need to rethink how they deal with others who are in a weaker power position.

Your stories sound similar to mine but your wives sound worse than my wife was.

At work I'm respected and can take charge and when needed I can stand up for the department I represent. I've had conflicts with abusive co-workers and they were both found out to be what they are and I contributed to them being discovered for the disruptive force they exuded and eventually let go. 

After I married, I found myself in these kinds of conflicts frequently with my wife and they were all my fault. 

One big one was over the engagement ring and whether I was financially responsible. The idea that I'm financially irresponsible is laughable argument and I never took it seriously. What I failed to grasp is that she had an underlying fear of being out of control and when she mis-understood how and why I was moving my funds, she got fearful that I was not responsible. Rather than deal with the fear and anger, I tried to get her to understand the situation - my mistake.

After we had kids I became an involved dad, still am, and breaking up the family was something I could not do. That fact always put a line I would not cross so she had no fear I'd leave her and so she could wail away without fear. 

That said, as you can see from above, I'm accustomed to defending myself but she would persist anyway. She can be relentless (I know you know what I mean). This may a factor to explain why I do not have it as bad as you guys.

However, at one point it got so bad that I went to see marriage counseling(she refused) and with another concession from me we cleared the air and things got somewhat better. However, she kept nattering on about this problem and that and I found myself in a place where I was prepared to leave her. We never talked - we don't really talk much now except about tangible problems, not so much emotional problems. I could see that see realized I was fed up and then she started to change.

I've begun doing things she's hated like treating her family the way they treat me(passively with weak acknowledgement). If they arrive, I no longer get up from what I'm doing to greet them (my nature) since they don't do that for me. These are things she does not like but she now has a choice. I no longer cook (BBQ usually) when picky SIL is at the table - I refuse to let her criticize my cooking. I'm working up the courage to ask my wife to tell them not to park in front of my side of the garage. Also thinking of saying this myself. 

Even though she ought to want to compromise on family activities and so some things I like, I have started asking kids directly whether they want to do things with me and if wife wants to come fine.

While I haven't put it out blatantly, she has a choice. So far she seems to want to make it work. We'll see. My old choir asked me to come back (she complained about how much time it took at concert time. Those who've been with this kind of person know that choir doesn't take up much time.)

I don't know what will happen in the future. If our relationship doesn't it a balance and she doesn't figure out how to 'relate' to me, it may be doomed anyway.

This I know, I'm fed up with the blaming every time something goes wrong. Things go wrong in life. She needs to deal with it without blaming someone.

Don't blame yourself guys!

I hope this help you in some way.

FF


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

When I said that I was uncomfortable because she put the fan on too high early this morning, my wife escalated the conversation to questioning why we should stay married. I replied that this was an example of emotional abuse, no one puts their marriage on the line regarding the speed of a fan. Except her.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Ten_year_hubby said:


> When I said that I was uncomfortable because she put the fan on too high early this morning, my wife escalated the conversation to questioning why we should stay married. I replied that this was an example of emotional abuse, no one puts their marriage on the line regarding the speed of a fan. Except her.


It's not about 'putting their marriage on the line'. It's about showing you she will go to any length to get her own way.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Yeah you can't teach a martyr anything. There's no point. They literally stay awake at night pondering this in their mind and thinking of new ways to browbeat you. It energizes them. It gives them purpose. And the weird thing is that 'we' on the other side of that cannot understand that their being a ****ing dictator is how they believe they express love. I love there therefore I grind you into the dust. It doesn't make sense to us but it makes perfect sense to them. My wife for instance with absolute certainty will tell me she loves me as the most unbelievable horrendous psychotic stream of hate speech pours out of her mouth. She has tried to have me arrested, she told our toddlers I murdered their brother, and she tried once to run into me with her car. But this is normal for her this what love is to her. She will follow that kind of insanity up with calmly and sincerely saying "I love you" and she means it. She happens to be bonkers batsh1t insane but she thinks it's real.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby

Runs like Dog said:


> It's not about 'putting their marriage on the line'. It's about showing you she will go to any length to get her own way.


Same difference since it's very unlikely that a steady diet of this is going to result in a stable relationship


----------



## Jayson

Hello. This is my first time here and I wanted to share my story. I am indeed in an abusive marriage. My wife hits me on my face when ever she gets really angry. It wasnt like this until I lost her respect when I called her a ***** in front of her cousins because I was so frustrated and angry. That was very wrong of me to do. I promised her that I would never call her that name ever again. I kept my promise. After that i noticed that our relationship has changed and gotten worse. 

I have a full time day job and currently studying to become an LVN. She is unemployed and just stays at home. 

I have responsibilities around the house like throwing the garbage away in the bathroom when its full. Refilling the soap dispenser when its empty. Clean the bathroom every 2 weeks. I also help her dad wash trucks every sunday. I do not accept payments because we are staying at her parents house for free.

When I dont get to do my chores because i forget to or not have time to do, she gets upset. I feel as if she's not doing anything, atleast she can do is to throw away the garbage herself or refill the soap dispenser. Its not like shes disabled. Her excuse is that shes teaching me how to responsible. I can understand being responsible about throwing it away when its full. Its how come she cant do it herself and help me. Shes not doing anything. I mean she does the laundry but she only does it 2 times a month or not even. She just watches TV, Eat and sleep the whole day. She's awake all night long and goes to sleep like 3,4,5,6, in the morning and doesn wake up until like 2 or 3 pm. Oh and also she pays for the bills. I actually make it, but she pays them online. Anyway the argument will lead to something else. It will lead to why I do not make love to her. Ive told her that maybe because you verbally and physically abuse me. My heart is broken by that. Tell me, who can make love or perform sex when their partners verbally and physically abuse them? ME!

I dont retaliate back. I just sit there and let it happen. One time we got into an argument. We were having a conversation in the car on the way to the movies. I got distracted for a second because i was trying to find parking and she got really upset. She said "you can give me the common courtesy and say hold on im gonna park real quick" I said my apologies and told her i didnt mean to do that. She then backhands across my face. She told me she didnt wanna watch a movie anymore so she told me to go home. I parked in a different place because she was hitting me again. And i didnt want to get into a car accident. She then started to put me down and call me names so i couldnt take it and stepped out of the car closed the door on her while she was talking. I got a cigarrette from a lady and wanted to walk away. But i thought about it and it was wrong for me to walk away so i went back to the car. She got really mad and started hitting me on my head over and over and over and over and over again. That night I went to the hospital because I had a really bad headache and I couldnt breath that good. What was supprising was she went to the hospital to be there with me. But she was just on her iphone playing games while sitting there not giving me sympathy or anything. Instead I get the blamed that it was my fault for causing all of that.

Please tell me what to do. Ive already said to her to stop hitting me. She tells me if i dont change to be a better husband which is make love to her and charm her, then she will continue to hit me. PLEASE HELP ME!


----------



## RunningOnEmpty

Jayson, you should create a new thread, so you get feedback on your situation. 

But, in my opinion, you should definitely divorce. You need to get away from your abusive wife.


----------



## Sanity

Jayson said:


> Hello. This is my first time here and I wanted to share my story. I am indeed in an abusive marriage. My wife hits me on my face when ever she gets really angry. It wasnt like this until I lost her respect when I called her a ***** in front of her cousins because I was so frustrated and angry. That was very wrong of me to do. I promised her that I would never call her that name ever again. I kept my promise. After that i noticed that our relationship has changed and gotten worse.
> 
> I have a full time day job and currently studying to become an LVN. She is unemployed and just stays at home.
> 
> I have responsibilities around the house like throwing the garbage away in the bathroom when its full. Refilling the soap dispenser when its empty. Clean the bathroom every 2 weeks. I also help her dad wash trucks every sunday. I do not accept payments because we are staying at her parents house for free.
> 
> When I dont get to do my chores because i forget to or not have time to do, she gets upset. I feel as if she's not doing anything, atleast she can do is to throw away the garbage herself or refill the soap dispenser. Its not like shes disabled. Her excuse is that shes teaching me how to responsible. I can understand being responsible about throwing it away when its full. Its how come she cant do it herself and help me. Shes not doing anything. I mean she does the laundry but she only does it 2 times a month or not even. She just watches TV, Eat and sleep the whole day. She's awake all night long and goes to sleep like 3,4,5,6, in the morning and doesn wake up until like 2 or 3 pm. Oh and also she pays for the bills. I actually make it, but she pays them online. Anyway the argument will lead to something else. It will lead to why I do not make love to her. Ive told her that maybe because you verbally and physically abuse me. My heart is broken by that. Tell me, who can make love or perform sex when their partners verbally and physically abuse them? ME!
> 
> I dont retaliate back. I just sit there and let it happen. One time we got into an argument. We were having a conversation in the car on the way to the movies. I got distracted for a second because i was trying to find parking and she got really upset. She said "you can give me the common courtesy and say hold on im gonna park real quick" I said my apologies and told her i didnt mean to do that. She then backhands across my face. She told me she didnt wanna watch a movie anymore so she told me to go home. I parked in a different place because she was hitting me again. And i didnt want to get into a car accident. She then started to put me down and call me names so i couldnt take it and stepped out of the car closed the door on her while she was talking. I got a cigarrette from a lady and wanted to walk away. But i thought about it and it was wrong for me to walk away so i went back to the car. She got really mad and started hitting me on my head over and over and over and over and over again. That night I went to the hospital because I had a really bad headache and I couldnt breath that good. What was supprising was she went to the hospital to be there with me. But she was just on her iphone playing games while sitting there not giving me sympathy or anything. Instead I get the blamed that it was my fault for causing all of that.
> 
> Please tell me what to do. Ive already said to her to stop hitting me. She tells me if i dont change to be a better husband which is make love to her and charm her, then she will continue to hit me. PLEASE HELP ME!


Brother i'm so sorry for the poor excuse of a wife you choose. First of all DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN with this waste of space and divorce her ASAP. She will not change and will not help you build a future together. Drop her.


----------



## Sanity

Do not tell her you are going to divorce. Get your affairs in order, find a place to live, get new bank accounts and change where your check is deposited and file. 

Some members here will recommend marriage counseling but when it becomes physical its VERY difficult to move on from that. Physical abuse should never be tolerated and it will get worse if you stay in the relationship.


----------



## D8zed

My wife is controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive because she has anxiety. Although she takes meds, our marriage is still seriously in the sewer. It is very, very easy to lose your self and lose your balls in a marriage with a controller, especially if you tend to be a "nice guy" and allow her to treat you like doo-doo. If this describes you, I'd recommend:

1. Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz

2. No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Glover


----------

