# handling Holidays and Birthdays (Help)



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

Ok Ive been divorced 2 years and my girlfriend has been divoced about the same. We have bben dating 1.8 years. 
Things have progressivly gotten more serious. She has a good relationship with her ex and I dont with mine. 
Bottom line is that I havent met the guy and I prefer that we start new traditions, like we all have holidays and birthdays together and her ex and his family have there traditions and parties. She wants to plan her sons birthday at a "pump-n-play" and invite her ex and her ex's family. I dont think we should. Im very close to the little guy and I think we should have a party for him with her side of the family and us and the ex have his own. She thinks Im being inmature.
Please help me understabnd


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I geuss alls Im asking is how do you guys do birthdays now, after divorce


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

If she has a good relationship with her EX, I would keep it that way. It will always be important for her son to have a good relationship with both biological parents. Having said that, you could always discuss with her the possibility of having a separate small party with just the 3 of you. Is his birthday on the day of the pump n play party? If not, suggest going out for dinner(or anywhere he would like) on his birthday and have a small celebration to go along with it. A small cake or cupcakes. Don't take it personal about the party with the EX even though I know it will probably feel a bit uncomfortable for you being there with the EX and his family. But you know what? This is your opportunity to show how great of a guy you are that you are ok with this. It makes you the better person and will garner some respect points from your girlfriend.


----------



## rep (Jun 11, 2012)

I dont disagree with you except that I feel that I have taken this high road so many times, that after a while, you want a road of your own. I like holidays and birthdays to be seperate and traditional and feel free to act and play with people arouind your comfortable with. Trust me, I take that high road so often that sometimes you lose your own identity bc your too busy hiding your feelings bc you want others to see things or your doing it bc of custody issues. 
Id really like to take a poll about how other dicorced people handle these types of occasions. thanks Houstdad!!


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's something that you have to work out. I get along really well with my ex and his wife. We had an 18th birthday party, at this house, for her with the WHOLE family. 

I don't do it for every birthday just some of the significant ones maybe. Compromise.


----------



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I agree with compromising. And I understand about taking the high road one too many times and finally putting your foot down and carve your own path. I need to be reminded sometimes that I take te high road way too many times. I think maybe having a "balance" is more healthy. Let your GF know your feelings and how you and compromise. Good luck! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

If I throw a party at a public place, I invite her father. He came to her bowling party. But we don't have family here so no one else comes. I put my daughter first - she would have wanted both parents there.

When I have a party at my home, like pizza and a sleepover, I do not. We alternate birthdays each year. When he had a skating party, I was NOT invited. 

I think she sees those things and knows who is the more agreeable, reasonable one. The high road can be lonely but you can stand up tall on it with a clear conscience. 

Your own tradition can be something different. You always do something just the 3 of you - dinner, park, indoor rock climbing... whatever. Point is, you can make your own path AND take the high road. Remember, you are setting an example.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Oh yes, the old "High Road" issue. I smiled when I read this as just last week I asked my counselor how long I am expected to maintain the high road! My x had an affair with a friend of ours, D me, married him 5 months later, (we were married 30 years). She has lied to everyone about what happened, puts the OM before my adult children (thank god they are adults) basically is all screwed up. I have never ran her down to my kids, even tho I wanted to. I am looking at my youngest graduating in the Spring from College, and do not want to invite the x or her husband, but I probably will. I will tell you, your kids, big or little, do recognize what is going on. They DO note what you do and what you say. To me, my kids, and my relationship with my kids, is the most important thing going, the high road sucks sometimes, but in moments of lucidity I realize the return is wonderful....... just sayin


----------



## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm just entering this arena and it certainly looks challenging. My stbxw came over to the house for Xmas with D6. It was good for D6. But I let stbxw stay and cook dinner which I now see was unnecessary. Next time if she wants to feed us she can bring food with her. 

Now NYE is here. She wanted to come over to the house and celebrate as a family. I will be dropping off D6 at her moms tonight instead. 

D6 has bday in couple months and I do plan on doing something together for that as D6 specifically requested it.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not your child, not your wife, not your beer. Some ex-families get along well enough to have shared birthdays. Some don't need to be in the same zip-code on the same day. I suppose everyone has the right to an opinion but what would give you standing to interfere or influence party decisions of these parents for their child? There are 365 days in the year and only one is this kid's birthday. You have 364 days to create traditions.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

FWIW ex and I celebrate Christmas, birthdays etc together with the kids and extended families.
He had Christmas with me, our kids and my family.

Neither of us has met each others new partners, that will happen in time and I would like to think that there will be times that we all celebrate events together.

I would never let my partner tell me that I cannot share these times together with my ex and our children, sorry but that is an immature thing to do.
My partner celebrates events with his ex and their children, I have no issue with this.


----------



## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

rep there is nothing wrong with you wanting to establish your own family unit and have some distance from the ex. I realize that people have different kinds of relationships with their exes when children are involved and you are entitled to be in a relationship where the boundaries are comfortable for you. There are some people who are very threatened by the idea that a new partner to a divorced parent has some needs and rights, too, and that a new family unit is being formed. So what. Your feelings are legitimate, too, and it is good that you are processing this kind of stuff - it goes with the territory of post-divorce relationships and shared custody. Regarding the child's birthday - if the child is young, I think it makes sense that the party will be in a public place with both parents/families. You should be welcome but it should also be ok if you decline. If you go, you have a right to expect that the ex will treat you with courtesy and you need to do the same. I see birthdays differently from other holidays - the birthday celebration is for the child so the child should have everyone he/she wants there. It is the child's party. Christmas and Thanksgiving involve the child but they are not about the child. In our case, those holidays are celebrated separately and I have yet to hear a complaint about the child having two Christmases .


----------



## ranaz2 (Oct 30, 2012)

One other thing rep - even if there is a big pump-and-play party, there is no reason you, your gf, and the child can't have a special birthday lunch or dinner before or after the party event. Also (I guess two other things), I hope you can work with your gf on how these kinds of things will be discussed - while I agree that both parents belong at a young child's party (in a public place), I think it is inappropriate for your gf to shut down the conversation by calling you immature. Call her out on that.


----------



## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Not your child, not your wife, not your beer. Some ex-families get along well enough to have shared birthdays. Some don't need to be in the same zip-code on the same day. I suppose everyone has the right to an opinion but what would give you standing to interfere or influence party decisions of these parents for their child? There are 365 days in the year and only one is this kid's birthday. You have 364 days to create traditions.


:iagree: What I find amazing is that you would want to be there. A birthday party for a 2 year old? I'd rather have my ears pulled off then go to such an event, but that's me. 

Let them do their thing and go have fun on your own that day. I think you are getting a bit emotional about this, esp since you aren't even married to this woman. If it's so important to celebrate the birthday then do it another time. I'm sure the child won't mind. 

No need to get all in a huff about this.


----------

