# recommend a book about porn?



## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Can anyone recommend a book about porn addiction that is not based on Christianity? I would like to buy my husband a sensible book that isn't based on " masturbation is evil" etc. I have read "love and pornography" myself but found it all a bit psycho babble and I know he would too.
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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Your problem is not in the porn.
It is your relationship.

When people feel that their relationship is dying, they retreat to porn.

You should take a look at the save my marriage today program to fix your relationship problem.

My friend used it and love it.
You can read her review here: save my marriage today review


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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Your problem is not in the porn.
> It is your relationship.
> 
> When people feel that their relationship is dying, they retreat to porn.
> ...


I disagree.

The problem may be the porn, it may be the relationship. You can't judge that on a few sentences. Also not everybody who feels their relationship is dying retreats to porn. I find that statement offensive.

What sort of book are you after? Do you think your husband has a porn addiction, or has he admitted he might think he has one? Addiction is a strong word so perhaps if this a serious issue it might be better talking to a suited therapist about it?


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

hunter_aussie said:


> I disagree.
> 
> The problem may be the porn, it may be the relationship. You can't judge that on a few sentences. Also not everybody who feels their relationship is dying retreats to porn. I find that statement offensive.
> 
> What sort of book are you after? Do you think your husband has a porn addiction, or has he admitted he might think he has one? Addiction is a strong word so perhaps if this a serious issue it might be better talking to a suited therapist about it?


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

Our relationship is certainly not dying! However we do have an issue with porn in that he likes to watch it sometimes and I find it difficult to accept, for various reasons. He can't understand why I find it problematic since we have a healthy sex life and are happy in other ways, but I do have a hang up about him watching it (I realise some people would say that it is therefore my problem not his) and although I have tried to explain why I don't like it he doesn't seem to get it. I thought a book would help him understand why he feels the need to look at it, he can't seem to tell me what motivates him to do it and I think if I knew that I would understand him more too. Does that make sense?!
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## hunter_aussie (Nov 7, 2011)

Most men look at porn. Whether it be videos, mags, tv to some extent. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, he doesn't find you attractive or he has a problem.

Porn can be an addiction when it affects your life, your marriage or how your partner feels. If he only looks at it sometimes and you have a healthy sex life, I would hence a guess to say there is no addiction.

My husband looks at porn occasionally; I have no problem with it. As long as it's pictures, videos of "actors" etc no accounts or communication. If it doesn't cross the line. Try not to take it personally - pushing him as to 'why' he does it, you'll only back him into a corner where he probably doesn't have an exact answer to. There is a post on here from a few weeks back about porn that has lots of good answers to this.

Many women do have a problem with it for various reasons - insecurities, feels like cheating to some extent. No one wants their husband to look at naked women! Try to put it into context - he loves you, is only having sex with you and sharing himself - these women/porn is just a visual stimulation that he has no emotional connection with. He can literally switch it off. 

Talk to him about how it makes you feel so he knows - but I would advise against telling him to 'never watch it again' or he has an 'addiction' if it is only sometimes and not affecting your relationship. Talk to him and let him reassure you as to how he feels about you so you don't feel threatened and you can feel heard. Maybe he can give it up if it upsets you that much, but be realistic too.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What motiviates him to look at porn? That would be testosterone.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

In a perfect world I would prefer him not to feel the need to look at porn, but I don't think there is much to be gained from me ordering him to give it up. I think it is just a habit he has had since his teens that he hasn't grown out of. You day testosterone motivates him to look at porn, but we have regular sex and he has told me he sometimes looks at porn "for entertainment" without even masturbating...what's that all about? If I wasn't adventurous or willing in the bedroom I could kind of understand it but I would go as far as to say my sex drive is higher than his...maybe I'll never understand it!
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## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Men are promiscuous by nature; porn and variety in the bedroom are generally what we turn to as opposed to other women, although this is subconcious.

I believe addictions to be a simple way for individuals to escape a reality they arent able to properly cope with. Its easy to get lost in a sea of internet porn for a couple of hours because your focus is completely narrowed to whats on the screen, and suddenly all the stress of modern day living disapears.


Some people consider porn to be a problem once the husband retreats from sex and intimacy with his wife. Since this isnt happening I would suggest his reason for viewing it could be in paragraph 1.

Why he would view porn without masturbation is simply because he enjoys it. There is a possibility that its more than just masturbation material to him, and he enjoys that type of entertainment for another reason.

I cant suggest any books on the subject, but there is a bevy of information on the internet, and Id suggest you and hubs looki it over together. You seem like a nice gal, not too controlling, but this is your problem. You have a problem with your husband viewing porn. Your problem. Husband views porn while wife doesnt approve, his problem. While I dont personally see this as being an issue in your marriage, you do, and he needs to respect youir view on the subject. 
By researching this together you will both find better understanding of the issue at hand. You will get to understand your husbands drive a little more, and he will too. I see this as having great potential to help grow your marriage.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If he truly has a SEX addiction, this is the best on the market-it has a 12 step program, I doubt it is religious, not any more than an AA program, which allows anyone to define their own "God".

Amazon.com: Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (9781568386218): Patrick Carnes Ph.D.: Books

If this is more a BATTLE within the marraige where the wife is NOT being left high & dry, the sex is GOOD but she can not get past his desire for a little porn, this is the book you need ....

Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books


....Written by a husband and his wife, they refused to continue in the fighting cycle they were caught in & decided to STOP.... and fully HEAR and LISTEN to each other's side, this book was the result. Highly recommend for a thorough understanding of how women feel on this issue ....and thier husbands.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

honkytonkwoman said:


> In a perfect world I would prefer him not to feel the need to look at porn, but I don't think there is much to be gained from me ordering him to give it up. I think it is just a habit he has had since his teens that he hasn't grown out of. You day testosterone motivates him to look at porn, but we have regular sex and he has told me he sometimes looks at porn "for entertainment" without even masturbating...what's that all about? If I wasn't adventurous or willing in the bedroom I could kind of understand it but I would go as far as to say my sex drive is higher than his...maybe I'll never understand it!


I read more of your replies just now, your husband does NOT have a porn addiction. If anything, get the 2nd book, it may help you see a man's side. 

Let me appeal to you- from a wife's view -who has completely changed on this issue...

I used to feel this way too-exactly as you... I would find folders of naked woman on my husbands computer, he never really lied to me about it -if I asked, but he would hesitatingly promise to never look again, and then slip up eventually. It bothered me too (of coarse I was rather religious back then, and when I would discover my husband looking I would even post scriptures on the computer screen)....

but one thing we never had ----was issues in the bedroom, my husband is NOT a porn addict nor was I ever once in my marraige denied sex. He was & always has been very much INTO ME, couldn't ask for a better man....... (me on the other hand was not giving him enough sex for his desires back then)

Fast forward to MY sex drive going through the roof (and this was related to a testosterone surge, I seriously had too many symptoms --YIKES)...I started to LOVE porn myself, I was drawn to it like a moth to a flame, even started renting it ! IT was like ELECTRIC to me but still I only wanted my husband . I suddenly understood the raging allure for men to want to feist their eyes on these things.... infact if I had a spouse who wouldn't allow me to watch it, I probably would have knocked his head off. It just wouldn't have worked. It would have caused us collosal issues. This never made me want other men. But I was on some sexual high during that time, no doubt. I became very creative with my husband, way more than he ever was. 

And you mention how your husband watches but does not masterbate...this too is EXACTLY my husband...I only learned this 3 yrs ago when opening up the sex dialog for the 1st time in our marraige .... I was SHOCKED he never masterbated to it ! But I believe his every word -cause it accually wasn't what I wanted to hear (to me, that was an indication his sex drive was lower than average & I was in hyper mode so I wanted him to BE a sex freak!)... but anyway...so Yes... men can still LOVE & enjoy the Looking ...and not getting off (at least I know for a fact mine does) and still be head over heels for their wives. 

Now granted, not sure what your husband looks at (maybe that is the issue?) but mine only cares to look at naked Playboy bunnies, he even has a proud collection. This is his only form of variety... works for me, I am not jealous a wink, he has been looking since age 11, and enjoying, I have no desires to stop him, heck I am happy he allows me to look! 

Enjoy it together, that is what we started to do, I prefer the PLAYGIRL stuff, he really wasn't into seeing the men, but he would watch anyway, then I would let him watch his SOLO porn while taking care of him down below. A little porn does by no means have to hurt a marriage.

Sounds like your husband is a Good Lover, you have a healthy fullfilling sex life , this is something to be so thankful for.


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> If he truly has a SEX addiction, this is the best on the market-it has a 12 step program, I doubt it is religious, not any more than an AA program, which allows anyone to define their own "God".
> 
> Amazon.com: Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction (9781568386218): Patrick Carnes Ph.D.: Books
> 
> ...


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## honkytonkwoman (Aug 2, 2010)

I bought that book, I found it helpful but I don't think he would, I thought most of it was from a woman's point pc view. I intend to pass it on to him though, as it does kind of prove that I'm not the only woman who had issues with porn. Believe me I have hit the roof over it before now, there hand been times when the intimacy in our marriage suffered and I felt it was down to porn, but it could just as easily been the other way round, in that he wad turning to porn because we weren't being intimate...who knows. Anyway I decided the only thing I could control was my side of things so made a huge effort to try and put my feelings about porn to one side and be extra loving and affectionate...anyway it has rubbed off on him and things have been great...but I still feel like its a fly in the ointment :-/
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Patrick Carnes has good books about porn addiction


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Your problem is not in the porn.
> It is your relationship.
> 
> When people feel that their relationship is dying, they retreat to porn.
> ...



I disagree... The problem is more then likely the porn that has caused the issue.


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## Dwatt (Dec 5, 2011)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Your problem is not in the porn.
> It is your relationship.
> 
> When people feel that their relationship is dying, they retreat to porn.


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## Dwatt (Dec 5, 2011)

I disagree. there are many men and women who are addicted to porn and it happened way before they were even married.

can it be a challenge? Yes. but to that it's because the relationship is dying, not usually true. 
I even have clients who have an active sex life with their partners and are still addicted. 

there is a great program from Tony Litster called Cure the Craving at curethecraving.com


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Hicks said:


> What motiviates him to look at porn? That would be testosterone.


That's a weak answer.  MANY men train their hearts, mind and eyes to bounce away from sexy images to keep their sexuality pure for the wife only. It can be done. Some men keep giving excuses and are not strong enough to give this gift to themselves and their wives. Any one can practice self-control if they are willing. I am not being mean. My husband and I both struggle with porn and thoughts and feelings about other women and men. We came to a point in out marriage where we both confessed that we wanted better. He didn't want to constantly lust and I didn't want to either. Not that it is easy at all, but you have to retrain how your mind thinks, you have to reteach it.

I don't know of any book outside the Christian realm that would speak against porn, because secular authors feel there is nothing wrong with it, most feel it will spice up a marriage and that if there is no touching involved it's ok. A completely false assumption. Dr. Laura is a wonderful advocate for men's rights and feelings, I think she has a book about "10 stupid things men do to screw up their lives" that can be read.

While there are many Christian books about porn that speak against masturbation, it is not wrong, when all thoughts are directed toward your spouse. The reason many Christian authors speak against it is because men at an early age started their masturbation through porn. It is deeply ingrained in all men, which is a part of being male that women don't understand.:scratchhead: Their mind can go back twenty years if they want to remember a particular woman or pic they saw that brought pleasure and they can masturbate to it. Those authors are trying to deny the flesh to kill the porn addiction. 

Dr. James Dobson, Focus on the Family, is one of the only Christian authors who supports and encourages masturbation. Actually the Bible never speaks against it. It just states to keep your mind pure. 

I love watching my husband masturbate and he loves watching me It is so tough now a days for a man, let alone a good husband to be faithful physically, let alone mentally. Have patience with your husband, don't condemn him, don't bash him over the head with books either. Try reading and learning ALL you can about male sexuality and show compassion to him. When he senses that you deeply care and accept him for this struggle he will adore you. Change takes place a little each day that's why we are married for a lifetime


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## Barbiesway (Feb 17, 2013)

Since they are asking about a book I am going to answer or at least share mine  
A long time ago, I watched an episode on The Oprah Show that was about porn addiction. Later I had a dream and was inspired to write a story. A fictional memoir. My then husband, looked at porn regularly, but I did not feel he was addicted to the point that I wanted to write about. I requested input and received information from many women. I researched and used very personal information from 8 women, who on blind faith, trusted me with their stories. Taking me into their lives of living with a man addicted to porn. It was what I needed to understand, to tell a very realistic story. Yes fictional., but a story of what can happen over the years as a casual interest becomes an obsession that changes a persons personality, their sexuality, and how they treat their partner. My book is blatantly honest. To begin with, originally I did not have sex scenes in the story but people in my writing group felt leaving out a normal healthy sex life would make it look as if the porn addiction was cause by a frigid wife. That sadly, is too often thrown out as an excuse and is not the cause or reason. My book has adult sexual content and shows how over the years the main character's husbands interest in porn changes both of them. It shows how his interest escalates. It is not a book of how things will happen nor how someone should handle porn addiction but it does show what can happen. It is a thought provoking story into the hidden world of porn addiction from a wife's point of view. Taking you behind closed doors into the forbidden world not talked about or written in books not focused on Christianity, until now. PORTRAIT OF OUR MARRIAGE Memoirs of Love, Family, the Internet, and Obsession is an ebook. I believe this is an issue that is the hidden epidemic of today, now affecting men of all ages, and ladies when it affects our men it affects us. It comes down to a story of love versus addiction. The book is a realistic psychological romance of love and life, not fairy tales.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Patricia B. Pina said:


> Your problem is not in the porn.
> It is your relationship.
> 
> When people feel that their relationship is dying, they retreat to porn.
> ...


I STRONGLY disagree with this statement and advise. My husband was a porn addict before I even met him. His addiction did not go away just because he fell in love. Trust me our relationship was new, thrilling and just as exciting as any new realtionship is....we had plenty of sex and that did not make any difference on his addiction.

A real addiction takes over a person, whether it is gabbling, drinking, drugs, shopping or porn. This is something that most people cannot stop on their own and reading a book is probably not going to be the hopeful solution you want.

First your husband has to realize and admit he has a problem and then he has to seek help. I would suggest a good counselor that will meet with him seperatly and one together as a couple as well. We had a real good male counselor many years ago. My husband new he had a problem, had lied and cover-up his action for many years. He was caught by our children viewing strip shows on the Internet. He had filed hidden on the computer the kids found. This became a known issue to the kids and not something I wanted them exposed to.

This counselor we had did suggest reading material for my husband. I do not recall the books now but there are plenty out there. Then he suggested that husband not be on the computer when I was not at home or after I went to bed, the computer was to be shut off. We placed the computer in a place that was easily in viewing sight so nothing could be hidden, and then they worked one-on-one. 

Husband has been clean 10 years but admitted to me just recently that even to this day when he sees a pretty actress on TV his immediate response to to search the Internet for naked pictures but that he has to go thru a mental process to shut those thoughts down and not let himself go that far.

True porn addiction is just as serious as alcohol addiction so please do not take this lightly. A true addict is not doing this simply becasue he's bored in an old marriage.


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