# Need advice/help



## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

Hi all. I'm new to this site but have read numerous articles here. A lot has been helpful before so let me just say thank you all for everything.

My wife and I have been married for 2 years but have been together for almost 7 years. We got pregnant right out of college and got married, starting our family rather quickly. I am 26 and she is 27. It's hard to even know what to write so you have an understanding of my situation.

I worked 3 high stress jobs back to back to support my family once out of college. My wife had trouble holding onto jobs due to pregnancies and other issues. So it was up to me to make ends meet. I worked in a prison, which was tough, but worth it to take care of my family. Due to the high levels of stress I tried to talk to my wife about it but she didn't want to hear about inmates stabbing each other and killing themselves, alot. 

So I turned to drinking. I know it was a terrible idea and I've paid dearly for my actions. I was never abusive, just drunk trying to forget about the stress. Well I left the prison to work in a high stress sales job that I rose through the ranks in because I was determined. But I still drank, alot. 

My wife works for a police station as a secretary. She befriended a cop there who is in his mid 40s. One thing led to another and they had an affair. They texted all the time and would hang out when I was working. Well I found out about this affair in April which had started in January. She says that they only kissed a few times and nothing else happened. I don't know what to believe at all, but its besides the point. 

I found out and we decided to try and make things work. I found a better, less stressful job and have been sober for 5 months now.

Some rules that I had set down were that she was to find another job, never talk to this cop again, and we would both go to counseling. Well she said she couldn't find another job and does not wish to quit due to the easier work and flexible hours. I let her know I am not okay with this at all. I also told her that at any time she is to give me her phone when I ask. But every time I asked she got angry saying we need to trust each other. Me to trust she won't cheat and her to trust I won't drink. 

Well recently I discovered she still is talking to this cop and it isn't about work. They are way to friendly. Nothing was explicitly said, but alot of.joking around. I confronted her about this and she said that she misses her friendship with him. I told her it's unacceptable to talk to him and it turned into a drawn out fight. I let it go but now there is zero trust. I just saw her phone two days ago and he had texted her a G rated picture of himself to her. It seemed like there were ails deleted so it was hard to tell what's going on.

Part of me doesn't want to confront her because I'm tired of fighting. Another wants to end our marriage. I feel so disrespected through all this and yet it doesn't seem to bother her. We have two small children ages 1 and 2. I don't want to break our family up but I have no idea what to do. It seems that my wife feels that my drinking was so much worse than her cheating. 

Any and all advice and positive feedback is greatly appreciated. I'm lost and not sure what to do...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry that you are going through this. I know it sucks.

What is the OM's (other man) marital status? If he is married, you need to tell his wife. Give her copies of any evidence you have so that she knows you are telling the truth. The quickest way to cause the end of an affair is to disclose it to the OM's wife. 

Have you exposed it to her family? That's so that you can ask them to help save your marriage by putting pressure on her to do the right thing?

Have you exposed the affair to her job? It might get them both fired. That could also end the affair.Of course, if you are going to divorce her, you don't want her to lose her job, so you nee to decide what you want to do.

Until she ends the affair and agrees to try to martial recovery, you should be interacting with her according to the 180. See the link in my signature block below. The idea is for you to start separation from her and protecting yourself emotionally.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

They did more than kiss. Read Weightlifters thread, and don't confront until you have solid evidence.


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

The OM is married with two young kids. No I didn't tell his wife in April because I was begged not to because she is "unstable" to begin with. 

Yes I told my brother in law who is my best friend. He told her whole aide of the family so my in laws stepped in to try and help. 

No I haven't exposed it to work. Yet. Pretty much right now I'm looking for evidence. When I confronted her in April, I had solid proof but I let it go so we could move on. Now I wish to hell I would kept it so I could show the OM's wife but I guess hindsight is 20/20. 

I feel I made a bunch mistakes last time. Kinda going off half****ed so I resolved to do it differently this time. My wife has no clue I know anything or suspect anything. I'm just trying to get evidence at this point. So I gotta find a way to be able to get a hold of her work emails as well as deleted info from.her phone. BTW any info on how to do this discreetly is greatly appreciated.

Yea I kind of figured more than just kissing happened. I just didn't wanna think about it at the time. Still kinda don't I guess. Unfortunately I can't see the link in your signature but I will try and check it out here in a minute.

I feel dumb because I tried to make this work and give the second chance. Mostly I tried the second chance for my kids, but now I realize I can only do so much and she obviously doesn't care if this works. 

I'm just lost and not sure exactly what to do. I still love her but she doesn't respect me or give a squirt about me. It's easily one of the more difficult things I've ever dealt with...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Sorry you're here . I think you did a lot of right things (i.e. demanding to see her phone whenever you want), but unfortunately not quite enough. If you'd found TAM in April, you probably would have. Folks here have lots of good advice. 

Of course the other woman is "unstable." The cop has to have some reason to give your wife why he finds his own wife undesirable. Wonder what crap she's feeding him about you to justify her own actions.


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

She told him I was a drunk who wasn't there ever. That I was checked out emotionally. That she needed someone to connect with. 

Honestly when I found out I was gonna tell his wife and then beat him physically but was talked out of it by everyone. So instead I told him to stay away from my wife and never speak to her again. Didn't work so I'm going to do things the bigsho way. I'm not going to lay a finger on him, I see that's not a wise choice given the circumstances. But the first person I'm telling is his wife followed by their coworkers.

I can't find the weightlifters post. Any help on this so I can find out what a fool I've been?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You did not break your family,your wife did. She is in PA and EA affair with this cop.
Tell this to your family,her family,your friends OM wife. Your wife will not quit the job,well it is not suprise for me,because she is with him 8-12h per day.

You found some text on her phone and comforted her but she is still OK with working with him and sleeping with him. Apparently you are ok with it too.

Can you imagine what they are doing when they are "working" !!!

STOP DRINKING,do it for yourself and your kids. Better do some talking with lawyer.
You are married for 2 years but together for 7 and she is having an affair or affairs,come on man,you two are suposted to be in honeymoon phase.


Your wife is having affair or affairs and she will not quit it.Sleeping with other man in front of your nose.You can do better then that,open your eyes.

STOP DRINKING,talk to lawyer.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bigsho

Does your wife drive to work? If yes put a var under her seat to record their conversations. It will be informative because cheaters say the stupidest things when they think no one else can hear them.

Get the evidence. Why can you not retrieve the original evidence you had and show it to his wife?

Most importantly get the evidence and file a complaint with the local civilian complaint board against this officer.

Play it smart.

HM


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She could have arranged for counselling instead she arranged for cheating.

His wife is unstable? Of course she is! She has been driven unstable by having a husband who is a clown in the infidelity rodeo.

And BTW, there are no bulls in the infidelity rodeo. Just sad faced clowns who have boundary issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

I am sorry you are going through this, it feels like your getting hit by a freight train. Helpless and spinning out of control, I know the feeling. Most of us do.

First thing, read this and follow it
The Healing Heart: The 180

I cant tell you how much it helps. Dont pick and choose, just follow. This made me feel stronger, better and gave me the courage to power through all of the emotions I was feeling when i started going through this. It also makes your wife confused while taking away their feeling of power in the situations. I cant stress this enough. 

Second, boundaries. You gave her an ultimatum, not a bargaining chip for negotiation. It doesnt matter what you want or dont want right now, your brain is no longer thinking clearly. You told her to stop talking to him, she didnt. Now you need to show her there are consequences. You need to tell his wife and put the affair out in the open for all to see. 


Third, you also need to get a camera and VAR. I would do this because he is a police officer, and just because you need to protect yourself. 

Fourth, speak to a lawyer, you dont need to do anything but you should know what to expect. Make sure you tell him your plans and that the OM is a police officer. 

I spoke to an attorney and it gave me a feeling of control and allowed me to prepare for the worst. Do this even if you intend to reconcile.

To me marriage counseling is something that is possible if, the other party is willing to make it work. There has to be remorse for the action, not guilt for getting caught. The other thing is you two are married, she has no right to privacy if she intends to gain your trust back. After an affair neither party has the right for privacy in regards to communication. There must be transparency and both parties need to accept this. 
Trust is not blind, if she thinks you are just going to trust her to not do it again, she is using you and taking you for a pushover.
I told my wife when we were willing to reconcile, that I was going to, on occasion go through her stuff.
Trust is one of the hardest things to get back, its possible but it will feel like its never coming. Be prepared for the long haul if this is what you are intending.
Just so you know, the road ahead is bumpy good luck.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dawg, you need to deal with your WW and let this guys wife deal with him. (after she's informed of his shenanigans) Don't worry about your old lady getting pissed at you. For all intents and purposes, you're a low priority with her anyway so you have little to lose. Whether you can being things around with your marriage is up for grabs but the odds are not in your favor.
This business of whipping the guys azz is problematic and won't turn out good. Either you'll succeed in doing it, and likely go to jail or get sued, and/or get your azz whipped and go to jail and/or get sued. Besides, a married woman offering herself to another man is analogous to a married woman selling "their" clear titled, restored, 1963 split window Corvette for $3,000. You may turn it down it, but the next five guys won't. It ain't like the husband would gain a lot by jumping on the guy that bought it. Its the wife who sold off the car.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here, you have both been through so much. As a wife of a man who used to drink heavily (and still drinks though not so much) I can tell you it puts unbearable stress on a wife because the mistress in the marriage is the alcohol. You have probably caused a lot of emotional damage with your drinking and hence (although no excuse) your wife's affair to get back at you, seek that something outside the marriage. If you both have any chance of working it out, you have to get rid of the OM, first thing is to tell his wife so he is kept busy with saving his marriage. 

Then you ask your wife to go to counselling together to sort through all the emotions you have between you, it will take a long time of hard work to get back on track but it is doable. You cannot work on the marriage while the OM is still in the picture. You must tell your wife you know the damage you caused and want to work on the marriage, but tell her you will do that but will not when she insists on contacting the OM. 
Be ready to serve her divorce papers, she probably is thinking in the tit for tat mode , you hurt me so now i hurt you. Therefore you have to take control and shock her into reality. 

You have nothing to lose either way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

Thanks for the advice. I guess I just felt like I have been in the wrong but clearly this isn't the case. 

First, I quit drinking and have been sober since late February. That's why it was such a blow when I found out she was cheating. I was willing to do whatever it took. 

Second, we did.begin counseling when I was drinking. The crap was that the therapist took my wife's side it seemed and talked down to me alot. Even my wife had commented on it. During our therapy sessions it was alot of how badly I hurt her and such. Then when it came out she was cheating the therapist said that we should drop the issue and move on. It just seemed weird to me that I get raked over the coals but we won't talk about her cheating. We haven't gone in a while because I got a new job and waiting on benefits to kick in. We have benefits but I'm kind of indifferent to going.

Third, I did speak with a lawyer and got a ton of info. I do realize that we will split custody of children. I have been squirreling away cash on the side so I can either pay for a lawyer or get a place on my own. 

Fourth, I figured that her staying at her job would lead to this and I was adamant about her quitting. But I viewed this as a test, one that she failed. Also in ten years I didn't want to have to explain to my kids that I wasn't willing to make this work, that I gave it the good old college try first. 

So with that said, I just am at a crossroads and not sure which route to take. I want to gather evidence first. That way I can show her family, mine, his wife, and their boss. I plan to do this right way this time. No more slack.

I wish o could make this work but am enough of a realist to understand the impossibility of reconciliation at this point. 

I just don't know how to go about doing all this. She's good at deleting her messages and covering her tracks. I don't know how to get this evidence. That's first and foremost. Second my main worry in all this is my children. I will do whatever is needed to make sure that their well being is the priority. 

My mom asked me if I could reconcile with my wife at this point. That I don't know. I would love to but she obviously doesn't respect me nor does she seem to care about our relationship. 

So any advice is greatly appreciated and the above advice.is taken to heart. I just don't know how I should act towards her for now. Should I act like nothing is wrong until I have solid evidence or should I go cold shoulder?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Bigsho61 said:


> Hi all.
> 
> 
> So I turned to drinking. I know it was a terrible idea and I've paid dearly for my actions.
> ...


 Here's the bottom line. Your wife & marriage meant more to you than your drinking habit, So you stopped. You & her marriage didn't mean more to her than her friendship with this man so she didn't stop. It sounds like to me she has made her choice. She chose him over her marriage. Sorry you're here.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

Bigsho61 said:


> Thanks for the advice. I guess I just felt like I have been in the wrong but clearly this isn't the case.
> 
> First, I quit drinking and have been sober since late February. That's why it was such a blow when I found out she was cheating. I was willing to do whatever it took.
> 
> ...


I don't have much to add, but many MC's don't have a clue about how to deal with infidelity. All over these forums, you see this. If you go back to MC, you need to have the [email protected] to fire a MC who wants to rug sweep or blame the BS for infidelity. Also, all your prior faults <<<< infidelity. That means infidelity has to be taken care of 1st. Heal from the copious head wound first, prior to worrying about pulled muscles and broken fingers.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Bigsho61 said:


> Hi all. I'm new to this site but have read numerous articles here. A lot has been helpful before so let me just say thank you all for everything.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 2 years but have been together for almost 7 years. We got pregnant right out of college and got married, starting our family rather quickly. I am 26 and she is 27. It's hard to even know what to write so you have an understanding of my situation.
> 
> ...


Dear Bigsho61,

Sorry you have to go through this.

A lot of people here will tell you not to confront until you have proof of her infidelity. My viewpoint is that, unless you live in a state in which infidelity can affect the outcome of a divorce (and there are very few of these, unfortunately) there is little reason to waste time in confronting the wayward spouse.

In your case, this is the second time you have caught her doing something she oughtn't to have. Whether she is physically cheating now is beside the point (although she probably is), since she cheated with the OM before and promised not to have contact with him. The bottom line is that, one way or the other, she is continuing her affair, if not physically, then emotionally.

Based on this, the odds that she is going to stop if all you do is complain is next to zero. Only a really strong reaction will likely have any effect on her behavior. In other words, unless and until you file for divorce, she will continue to cheat. If you want to try to save your marriage, along with filing, you should expose her adultery to everybody who has an interest in your family (yours and her families and close friends, clergy, employers) as well as to the OM's wife and employer. If you simply wish to divorce, you should consider whether exposure will benefit you or not. The majority on TAM/CWI recommend exposure in any case but there are some who believe that you may get a better divorce settlement in return for not exposing (I haven't see much evidence that it either helps or hurts, in cases where the betrayed simply wants a divorce).

If you do all of these things, there is a chance that she will finally start showing remorse and a desire to save her marriage. However, IMO, the odds are not good. The fact that you drank heavily for many years and were less than an ideal husband, while not justifying her cheating, undermines your claim on her affections. Nevertheless, this is your best course of action whether you want to reconcile or divorce. In fact, it's basically your only course of action unless you are prepared to live the life of a cuckold, and I gather from your posts that you are not.

In addition to filing and possibly exposing, the usual advice includes you focusing on being a great father and becoming the best person you can be so that you increase your attractiveness to her or to some other woman if your marriage doesn't survive.

If you're like most guys, you will ignore this advice until her behavior becomes completely intolerable or she walks out on you. Be the exception, act now. Delay will only decrease the odds of saving your marriage (if that is what you want to do) and make your recovery more lengthy and difficult whether you reconcile or divorce.

Wishing you well.


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

Again I thank you all for the advice. It's more helpful than you will ever know. 

What I've decided that I'm going to play it like this. I'm going to follow the 180 and just distance myself. While I do this I'm going to gather evidence against them. When I have something solid, I'm going to confront first the OM's wife and then somehow tell their coworkers. 

I don't know how I feel about telling all our friends. I feel like a failure and am embarrassed. Not only did she cheat but I let it happen again. I just feel like an idiot I guess


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Cheating has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. Cheating is 100% on the cheaters. On top of that, there is little doubt her AP has cheated before and is playing your wife. That is why they haven't run off into the sunset together. He doesn't want to dump his family.

A big indicator is your sex life. How and when has it changed since she took that job.

Other indicators are changes in her personal grooming habits, changes in clothing and a big one is sexy underwear in her drawer that you've never seen.

Get the Sony voice activated recorder that costs about sixty bucks. Use heavy duty ve!lcro to stick it under her car seat. Test its functions out first.

Did you ward the evidence finding post I linked to?


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

Yes I read the article and am going to get the VAR. 

Yes you are right. The signs were all there. We stooped having sex, she started working out alot, she bought tons of new clothes, she worked late a lot. I suspected back then but had no proof. I askes her a bunch of times if anything was going on but she always denied it. 

Normally our sex life is very active. Before the affair we were usually 2 to 3 times a week. After the affair it took time to pick back up, but lately it has been like it used to. We have sex a about the same as before the affair. That's why I'm surprised to find her talking to him again.

But then I think that maybe these are just pity screws because she sees me upset so I am beginning to suspect it's out of guilt, if that makes sense.


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## Mrtruth (Aug 20, 2015)

Me personally I would go tell the omw. I would let her know they did have an affair and still are. Don't let your wife know you are doing this. Then sit back and watch your wife explode on you attacking you for outing her lover.

Then laugh and tell her the divorce papers are on the way.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*First Bigsho61,….. I want to say CONGRADULATIONS on your 6 months of sobriety!!! That is HUGE!*



> What I've decided that I'm going to play it like this. I'm going to follow the 180 and just distance myself. While I do this I'm going to gather evidence against them. When I have something solid, I'm going to confront first the OM's wife and then somehow tell their coworkers.


*That sounds like a great plan to me!*





> I feel like a failure and am embarrassed. Not only did she cheat but I let it happen again. I just feel like an idiot I guess.


You are not a failure or an idiot; you are like most of us in that you wanted to save the family from being split up. That is honorable. However, you wife will put her needs ahead of you and her children. Another poster said that she is probably using the fact that in your drinking days you probably were a real AZZ and she resents you and may even want to get even. In addition, she is really getting her kicks out of the OM feeding her. 

It is understandable that she was hurt by your drinking but going to another man and committing an affair is way over the top. She should have come to you and given you an ultimatum; that ultimatum should have been for you to put your family first over your drinking or you will lose your family and at best you will see your children only 50% of the time. Then she should be complete ready to enforce the threat. You would be forced to choose between the bottle and your family.

You now are somewhat in the same position, your wife has hurt you and you need to get your plan in order and give her an ultimatum and be fully ready to enforce your consequences.* Do you really think that your wife is going to break out of her selfish betrayal that she is enjoying to the max without getting a hard jolt?* Even then sometimes betraying spouses will not stop their selfishness but you have no chance of R as long as she is not strongly shaken. After what you said below; *what do you have to lose by making your plans and giving her the jolt of her life?* She does not respect you and has obviously rejected you and replaced you with this other MARRIED man WITH CHILDREN.



> I still love her but she doesn't respect me or give a squirt about me.
> 
> I figured that her staying at her job would lead to this and I was adamant about her quitting. But I viewed this as a test, one that she failed.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. You gave her two chances which is two more than I would have given her and she blew it both times. That should tell you that your wife flat out doesn't care so if she doesn't, then with only one trying to make it work it wont happen. It will just cause more stress on you.

If it's me, I file for divorce, keep it to myself, have her served at work so everyone can witness it, and at the same time inform the cops wife. If she's unbalanced then so be it. That's his problem and maybe if he would have kept his pants up she wouldn't be. Then I get my own checking, savings account and new credit cards. 

Once he's served and she complains how you did it, then you can look her in the eye and tell her "Too bad and if she acted like a honest wife then none of this would have happened". I would also let her know that she had two chances and threw it back in your face let her know that she's now on her own and leave it there. She created the problem and now she has to own it.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. What evidence do you want to gather?

You caught them out once you gave her your conditions and she trod all over them.

Its time now to offer consequences for her behavour.

Expose to other mans wife ASAP. Tell her that you caught them out in the affair once and you let it go for the sake of reconciling and not to upset her family either, but now they are at it again.

File with a lawyer and offer up some real time unremorseful heat.

If you truly want to reconcile only by offering up consequences is true reconciliation going to happen.

At present your wife probably presumes you are full of hot air that will likely have a dummy spit but ultimately do nothing.

Sorry to come accross so harsh. Believe me i am very sympathetic to your issue.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You are not an idiot!
The real idiots are the liars and the cheats. Think about it.....were is their relationship based on fantasy going to take them?
There is a huge betrayal that nieghter of them will ever forget and in the end take that with them when they are old and grey and no longer together.

I personally want to grow old with folks that care and respect each others and the way I see it, your old lady and this POS will die alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo.

Come on.... these people you know lie, deceive, cheat, betray........what good will come of that?

Just let them go. It just might save your marriage ....if your old lady can see how she is being used as a phuck toy and come out of the fog and sees who really cares you might have something to salvage.

But my guess.... your old lady might go thru 4-6 more relationships to figure out it's not us, it's her....if she figures it out at all!

Selfish folks have a hard time figuring it out cuz they only see it one way.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife is continuing her affair. It has not stopped. Go see and talk to the Other Man's wife. You are wanting more evidence and you can get the cooperation of the OM's wife. Do not tell your wife about any evidence that you have.

See a divorce attorney to protect your rights. Your wife has no respect for you. Yes, the sex that you are getting are "duty ones". Sorry you are here.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Yes, don't EVER tell your wife how you found out your information/evidence. Ever. All this does is give her ammunition against you. And tells her how to hide her tracks better and therefore makes it far more difficult to catch her next time, for you or for some other victim of hers.

Your plan is pretty good so far. Stay on course, keep focussed. And definitely follow through with telling OM wife when you have some solid evidence. At minimum, because she deserves to know what is happening to her life!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Someone pointed this out already but inwant to repeat it. Cheaters will always say something like the other spouse is abusive, unstable , crazy etc. to keep you from outing their affair partner. All this means is the affair partner is more important to them than you are.

This is part of the cheaters script. If you read just a few threads here, you will notice cheaters all act pretty much the same and follow the same patterns.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

My friend you caught your wife twice and she is still sleeping with this man under your nose.

You said you will feel embarrassed if you expose to the friends,well true friend or friends will stick to you and try to help you,talk to you. You will find who is your true friend and who is not.

It is a good thing you stoped drinking,now you can spend a lot of more time with your kids,you can even join some gym workouts.

Keep talking with your lawyer,divorce is the only option here,because your wife is not worth of your pain.

I dont know how you can still have sex with her,knowing that she is sleeping with OM. It is mercy sex from her part.


Stay strong my friend


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Yes get the evidence you need.
and if you want to try and save the marriage *EXPOSE*.

*Exposure* is key for stopping the affair.

How much exposure depends:

but at least the OM's wife
maybe you parents
and her parents
MAYBE the HR at their work (if you want to stay married she has to quit the job so getting her fired would not be that bad, (if you want to stay married to her)
Although the HR department may not care or do anything but if you want to R she has to quit.

and do not be surprised if this is a full on PA, I think it is.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

Bigsho61 said:


> So I gotta find a way to be able to get a hold of her work emails as well as deleted info from.her phone. BTW any info on how to do this discreetly is greatly appreciated.


Don't mess around with work emails.. especially POLICE work emails, as that isn't legal and opens you up to danger that you don't need to be putting yourself into. Cheaters are impulsive; there will be easy, legal evidence that will eventually fall into your lap if you keep your eyes open and your mouth shut. Although you don't really need evidence if infidelity doesn't affect divorce proceedings in your state -- sounds like you know enough to cut the cord already.

If you do need evidence for a legal infidelity case, see if your lawyer can hook you up with a PI who can clone the hard rive from your shared computer when she's not around. If a PI finds something in this way, it's legal.. if you do, not so much. That's assuming she uses the computer for any contact, instead of sticking with her phone.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

If he's using government emails, your job is so easy that it is mind blowing. Open Record Request. File an open records request for police emails to her email address that you believe she is using. Amazingly, since it will not involve emails to a victim or police investigations, there is no reason for them to keep it from you. Usually, the I.T. department does them, so no one is really paying attention. Secondly, she can't delete what is on police servers. Thirdly, it is unlikely that she or he will be informed by the geek squad. Fourthly, if they are informed, who cares? 

I am not sure why you are trying to be "secret agent man". I find that to be useful if there is a tactical advantage, otherwise, you walk up to the whomever is screwing with your life, look it (them) in the eye, and say, "my turn". If you have sufficient evidence to believe she is cheating, then stop messing around with the sneaky investigation stuff.


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

Alright the reason for the sneaky secret agent James Bond 007 crap is because I want to be able to show everyone and so when she starts to deny it, I can shut her the hell up. Also, another really big reason is it'll make it that much easier for me to take my **** and walk. 

I appreciate the concern and I may just request the emails. I like that idea. Call me vindictive but I want the proof to throw in everyone's face.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The changes in her behavior and your sex life goes hand in hand with a sexual AND love affair. The reason she hasn't left is because he is playing her.

Use the var and then get in touch with his wife.


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## Bigsho61 (Sep 10, 2015)

OK so an update here for you all. So I started distancing myself. She asked why I didn't answer any of her calls today and wanted to know why I'm in a poor mood. I just said I'm stressed out and just frustrated. She asked if it was anything in particular and I just let it go, not really answering her. 

I then said to her that I was going to make an appointment to see my counsler I see on my own and she asked if anything was the matter. I haven't gone too often because I just started a new job and was more focused on my AA meetings. I told her that I was going because I haven't gone in a while. That seemed to placate her until I said maybe we oughta go see our marriage counselor. Then she seemed to become very nervous and asked me 21 questions. I just said we oughta keep going.

In reality I think she knows something is up but is too ****y to think I suspect anything. She just left for the grocery store and then called me saying she was getting stuff to make brownies which are my favorite. I was very indifferent on the phone. II want her to be nervous and off her game anymore. This 180 thing seems to be working well.

She said to me before I left that we could put the kids to bed and then have "sexy time" as we call it. I turned her down. I'm done touching her ever again and tomorrow I'm going to get tested for STDs. 

I'm still going to keep things moving along until I get the evidence I need to show the omw. Monday I took off work and set up an appointment with a lawyer. I'm done playing games.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

You are doing a great job,just dont go into the depresion.
Spend a lot of time with your kids.

Your wife is "smelling" something fishy is going on and she is probarly texting her OM.
She wants to have sex with you just to put some problems under the bad,it is more easier then to talk about problems.

Good for you that you decided to check for STDs and you have counsler app.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Get the VARs in place........get her phone and Recover the deleated texts. On her day off Tell her she needs to be tested. And you will schedule a polygraph......she will need to run to the store for something and when she returns you can listen to the phone conversation she has with posom while in her car.

2nd the Freedom of Info. I work for State of Texas and we know you do not type anything you do not want public to see.

Freedom of Info both of their E-mail's and ....all text messages from their work phones.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

:iagree:

You need to do this. Who she contacts and what she discusses will be enlightening.


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