# Blossom's Road of Recovery and Reconciliation



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

As my own recovery continues and I share with others the resources I tap into to navigate it, I am finding it necessary to park it in one spot. This is that one spot that will be linked back to my signature line and will be edited as needed. As well as where the rest of my story will unfold.

*Favorite Quotes: *
*"The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud 
was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom." - Anais Nin *

*"To be a cowgirl is more than just fluff and stuff. You have to do your share of the work, kill your own snakes, never complain, mount up even when you know you may get bucked off, and all the while being more of a lady at work than when you are at home."~~Cowgirl Wisdom from Georgie Sicking, Nat'l Cowgirl Hall Of Fame Honoree*

*"Never underestimate the potential for things to improve
in ways you cannot yet imagine." Karen Rohlf *

*"Be soft as possible, but firm as necessary" - Pat Parelli*

*My Favorite Parellisms that work on people too!*


*Abuse Awareness:*
Parelli Natural Horsemanship...where awareness and recovery started for me
The Abuse Thread
Stockholm Syndrome
Out of the Fog
Why Domestic Violence Victims Don't Leave
Luke17:3 Ministries for Adult Daughters of Abusive Birth Families
Abandonment Recovery
Healing Developmental Trauma
http://www.manipulative-people.com/

***The abuse left me with Complex PTSD and Codependency and propensity for Stockholm Syndrome listed above. I am learning to navigate them and take full responsibility to engage my ongoing recovery.


*Long Term Recovery Support Group:*
Celebrate Recovery - Christ centered 12 step program
ACOA - 12 step program

*Short Term Intensive In House Codependency Treatment:*
The Bridge to Recovery

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...al-trauma-its-effects-life-relationships.html



*Recovery Books:*
Bible
Codependenc No More
Beyond Codependency
The Language of Letting Go
Victory Over the Darkness
Narcissistic Predicaments
Emotional Blackmail
Boundaries
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Emotional Unavailability
Unsafe People
The Emotionally Unavailable Man
You Don't Have to Take it Anymore
The Betrayal Bond - Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships
Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
Because He Loves Me
Toxic Inlaws
Toxic Parents
In Sheeps Clothing

*Clarity on Boundaries:*: Boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify for themselves what are reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave around them and how they will respond when someone steps outside those limits 



*Marriage Resources:*
The Art of Marriage
How to Tame the Lame Blame Game
Jesus Teaching on Divorce by John MacArthur
The Other Man's Grass by Alistair Begg

*Affair Recovery:*
www.affairrecovery.com

*My Story*
*Back Story Coming...*


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> As my own recovery continues and I share with others the resources I tap into to navigate it, I am finding it necessary to park it in one spot. This is that one spot that will be linked back to my signature line and will be edited as needed. As well as where the rest of my story will unfold.
> 
> Codependency Books:
> Codependency No More
> ...


I'm happy for you.. You've come a long way & helped others to get through where you've already been.. I'm so glad you're still here to help those of us that want to get to where you are now..


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Great Resources Blossom!!!*


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You go girlfriend!

Being on here, makes me question if I ever want to get married. LOL


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I was thinking as a joke, I want to create a list of my top 20 advice.

Just copy and paste to see what fits the situation the best.

I wonder if anyone would notice.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lol...

Instead of "pat" answers

They would be "fisty" answers


----------



## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Just create a list, start each one with mr.fisty says, and I can mix and match the points.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

*In response to one of my favorite sayings now "Keep your eyes on your own paper!"* from another thread.



Akinaura said:


> Blossom Leigh, I think I might just steal that saying for myself! It's a really great way of gently reminding a spouse that they need to focus on themselves instead of everyone else. A little bit nicer than the saying I grew up with of "People in glass houses shouldn't throw bricks".
> 
> ETA: *Blossom, do you and your H have a key word or phrase yet that can break through the PTSD triggers and get him to realize he is triggering?*





Blossom Leigh said:


> Gosh, we've tried different things.
> 
> Right now none come to mind, but* I do have a built strategy now *for when he is. This last time it didn't work immediately because of the multiple tapes playing simultaneously, and took others getting involved to help him clear his fog. But the strategy still worked, just took longer, was more difficult and EXHAUSTED me with no immediate end in sight after six days already, so thats when I asked him to leave. I had to regain strength.
> 
> ...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

*By Blossom from This has destroyed me thread by Devastated an Lost*

"I just focus on my worth when I am triggered by affair triggers.
I am Blossom Leigh... smart, strong, beautiful, courageous, fierce when I need to be, soft as I need to be, deeply loving, dependent on the Lord, but fiercely independent otherwise. I focus on God's promises like "The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him."

It takes intestinal fortitude and emotional agility to get them handled because they are NOT fully going away. These are cowgirl up moments as time moves along. I know you are tender now, but you will strengthen, I promise."

*By Mr. Blunt - "what Blossom has described above is an antidote for hurt, fear and being trapped."*


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I endorse this thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

In response to a potential future wayward wife:



Blossom Leigh said:


> Choose to spend your energy protecting your precious husband and kids, instead of justifying the poor actions and intent of this man. Regardless of marital issues, the level of destruction an affair causes is like sending a tsunami of pain roaring through your husband, your children, your extended family, his extended family, the OM's wife, their kids, their extended families and all the friends who surround all these listed. That's a lot of people. The fall out is extensive. You will hate yourself to the degree that just to live with yourself you will FALSELY blame your husband for your choice (you've already started) sending a second wave of pain through all listed above.
> 
> Right now is your most vulnerable moment because in absence of OM's flirting, you feel lonely. That is a very bad sign that you are further gone that you realize. Stop giving that air time in your head. It also could totally be strategy on his part to draw you in. Leaving a vaccuum of attention can draw out the vulnerable boundryless lonely person like a moth to a flame. Shake the fog already formed in your head that comes with affairs and protect your family. Everyone here can see the affair fog in your head. You have received excellent advice, none of it mean from my perspective. What are you going to do to protect your family from your entertainment of a very destructive choice that is headed your way if this fog doesn't lift.
> 
> ...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

From time to time I would like to post some of my favorite responses of others regarding reconciliation post infidelity and here is one posted by one of the mods Amplexor to hurtinginohio as her and her H were struggling with the fallout of an EA.



Amplexor said:


> You cannot be responsible for his emotional baggage on this. It is a situation that he created and will need to deal with. But he is emotionally lost at this point. His false emotional center is gone and his bond with your is broken, he's adrift. Counseling will help both of you with the fallout.
> 
> For you to have success the first priority is to kill the affair and total transparency. Many have already listed the steps needed to do that. I will disagree with Badmemory on exposure at this point. It is very much the nuclear option and my recommendation is to use it if the WS refuses to end the illicit relationship. If he has ended it and you can verify that to your satisfaction, exposure will only complicate the process and you'll have to deal with the fall out with family members for years to come.
> 
> ...


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Several new resources added to my first post


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thanks guys


----------



## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

I tried to access "How to Tame the Lame Blame Game", but the link didn't work.

But not sure how much it could contain. To me, all it takes is to call someone out on their lame attempt to blame their deplorable character and choices on their BS.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Just fixed it


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I will probably be out of pocket for a few days. I've had a death in the family. Please pray.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I will probably be out of pocket for a few days. I've had a death in the family. Please pray.


Blossom Leigh

So sorry to hear of your loss, prayers to you and your loved ones. Stay strong and God bless.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Just wanted to honor my Uncle whom we lost last night. Gone too soon in his mid 60's was married to my Aunt, the one I am so close to, for 42 years. He was sweetly devoted to my Aunt and their four children. Vietnam veteran exposed to agent orange. He was blessed with deep patience and great common sense. A man of few words, but when he spoke you knew it was going to be wise. He will be greatly missed and was one of the early supporters when I stood up to my Mom's abuse. He always made sure I knew he loved me and that he had my back. Love him always.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

So sorry for your loss Blossom. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry too, Blossom. The death of a loved one is such a sad time. May the Lord give you peace and comfort during this time of grief.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh

Through the words you have written, and the respect you have for your uncle, he is a man of honor. Take comfort in knowing he is with The Lord for eternal life. As a child and while growing up, my grandmother, was what your uncle was too you. When she passed as a result of cancer I was crushed. You are probably feeling the same way I did. I looked back at all the memories we shared, the good and the difficult times. I never met anyone who didn't like my grandmother, I imagine you will not find anyone who didn't like your uncle. 

I have no advice on how to cope with the loss of a loved one. It's a fact of life and it hurts. I have a photo of my grandmother and each morning I say hello as I walk past. I picture her and I laughing and I smile. She always smiled, laughed, and had positive energy flowing from her being. It took a long time for me to realize she was always alive in my heart. So let your uncle live in your heart and cherish the fond memories you shared together. Thoughts and prayers to you and your loved ones. I'm sorry for your loss.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You guys are so kind and I am grateful.

I will still be on here spotty this week as I have financial research to do for my Aunt. Military funeral is Thurdsay, with family flying in. Its a full week. Will be back as I can.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You guys are so kind and I am grateful.
> 
> I will still be on here spotty this week as I have financial research to do for my Aunt. Military funeral is Thurdsay, with family flying in. Its a full week. Will be back as I can.


Blossom Leigh

Today is one year out from d-day for me, so I will be brief. Spend time with loved ones and boast about how great your uncle is, what he was to you, and the wisdom you learned from him. Boast about his supporting you in your time of need and how you cherish the memories you carry with him. Let everyone know he is a fine man and gentleman. Share a funny story of your uncle so people smile at the man he is. God bless and stay strong during this difficult time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thank you... anytime the family is together this week as we head into Thursday... someone is commenting about my Uncle's heart, his kindness, his devotion and how fitting it was that he died in his sleep. Was he perfect, no, as none of us are, but I am praying my Mother does not use this opportunity to denigrate my Uncle to her Sister. My Mother was not his fan at all. And has made no bones about it in the past. I will be seeing her and my step father at the funeral. I covet prayers that anything hurtful that is on her heart to say to her Sister, my Aunt, remains silenced. My relationship with them has evolved into civility to a degree, so I feel certain their behavior towards me this time will not be the same cruelty seen at her youngest sisters funeral, but as we have found out over the past five years, NO ONE is fully safe around them, so it's just a matter of "when" something will happen and there has been a lot happen over this past year with this Aunts family butting heads with my Mother over my Grandmothers' life, care and belongings, so this funeral could prove to be dramatic if my Mother chooses to make it so. She has had run ins with two of four of my Aunt's kids in the past six months as well as my Aunt. Though I will be walking in the love of Christ while there, I will be vigilant in caring for my Aunt in so much as if foul words surface towards her I will not remain passive in action or word. I WILL intervene to shut it down it a very calm, very quiet, but VERY intentional strength and intention and probably in concert with my cousins. My Aunt is fragile enough without my Mom digging into her. So just pray for strength, wisdom, calm assertive confidence for me and my cousins to be a shield to my Aunt if needed.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom, The last time my father said hurtful things to me was 10 years ago, at my brother's wedding. He started in on me. I let him speak without interrupting. When he stopped, I said, "I reject that, in Jesus' name." He then began again, but it was like everything he said was bouncing off me and I did not receive any of it. He stopped and I again said, "I reject that, in Jesus' name." He went again and his words bounced. When he stopped, I repeated, "I reject that, in Jesus' name." He looked upset and confused, shook his head, and walked away. It was hurtful, but freeing also. I remembered very little of what he said, but it did not penetrate my heart. I did not receive it at all. It was a breakthrough for me. Previous to that, I had not spoken to him in a year or two due to his being an unsafe person for my family and me. He seemed to have been saving it all up.
I hope you don't have to do anything like that, but if you do, God will be with you. He is your shield.
2 Samuel 22:3 NAS
My God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold and my refuge ; My savior, You save me from violence.

Go in faith, Sister. You are protected.

2 Samuel 22:31 NAS
"As for God, His way is blameless ; The word of the LORD is tested ; He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.

When we are under spiritual attack, we can also take up the shield of faith to resist the enemy of our souls.

Ephesians 6:16 NAS
in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Amen to this Sister. My other Aunt's funeral in 2011 was ROUGH. And though our relationship has somewhat improved since then, its everyone else that I worry for, so I love the words you shared. The words that came to my mind were "It is not your place to dig into her at this time" and remain in between them until she leaves, which she always does. And if anything flies my way, I love what you shared. I was protected BIG TIME in 2011... amazing story, so you are totally correct that this time will be no different. Thanks for your heart C


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My mother behaved herself "for the most part." There was no aggressive drama towards her sister yesterday, but there was tension between my cousins and my mom and I thought one of my cousins was very close to going off on my mom. But didn't... whew...

Her and my step dad actually treated me very well compared to the last funeral we attended together. Grateful for the shift.


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My mother behaved herself "for the most part." There was no aggressive drama towards her sister yesterday, but there was tension between my cousins and my mom and I thought one of my cousins was very close to going off on my mom. But didn't... whew...
> 
> Her and my step dad actually treated me very well compared to the last funeral we attended together. Grateful for the shift.



Blossom Leigh

Happy to hear that no additional drama occurred. Hopefully this gives your broken heart the time it needs to mend. Prayers and well wishes to you and your loved ones. Once again , sorry for your loss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thank you. She mentioned wanting to forge a relationship with my son after he hugged her neck just out of kindness at the funeral. So my H and I have some talking to do for sure. I believe if the culture we have created in our own home begins bridging over to theirs, its possible. It's really not going to be possible to have a relationship with him at this age without having a healthy relationship with me and my H given our past, because our son will not be allowed to be there alone any time soon. Thus it will necessitate a new path in order to move forward. Right now their hearts feel softer to me than at anytime in the near past, so if you will just cover us in prayer as we contemplate this possible new chapter.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Thank you. She mentioned wanting to forge a relationship with my son after he hugged her neck just out of kindness at the funeral. So my H and I have some talking to do for sure. I believe if the culture we have created in our own home begins bridging over to theirs, its possible. *It's really not going to be possible to have a relationship with him at this age without having a healthy relationship with me and my H given our past, because our son will not be allowed to be there alone any time soon.* Thus it will necessitate a new path in order to move forward. Right now their hearts feel softer to me than at anytime in the near past, so if you will just cover us in prayer as we contemplate this possible new chapter.


Make sure that you tell her this. Say it tactfully, but bluntly.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Always, boundaries, but you knew that.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My mother behaved herself "for the most part." There was no aggressive drama towards her sister yesterday, but there was tension between my cousins and my mom and I thought one of my cousins was very close to going off on my mom. But didn't... whew...
> 
> Her and my step dad actually treated me very well compared to the last funeral we attended together. Grateful for the shift.


Glad to hear this.



Blossom Leigh said:


> Thank you. She mentioned wanting to forge a relationship with my son after he hugged her neck just out of kindness at the funeral. So my H and I have some talking to do for sure. I believe if the culture we have created in our own home begins bridging over to theirs, its possible. It's really not going to be possible to have a relationship with him at this age without having a healthy relationship with me and my H given our past, because our son will not be allowed to be there alone any time soon. Thus it will necessitate a new path in order to move forward. Right now their hearts feel softer to me than at anytime in the near past, so if you will just cover us in prayer as we contemplate this possible new chapter.


I left my children alone with my dad and his wife. I had no idea what their true intentions were at the time, but when it became clear, I cut my dad off and did not speak to him again for years and only after he was severely disabled. Still my children were never at his house. It is no longer an issue, because his wife died suddenly 6 months after his heart attack and subsequent brain injury, of a heart defect; at 53 years old. This all happened about 10 years ago.
People like your mother are sneaky and manipulative. I wouldn't let him near her either. Good call.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I believe she thought cutting me out of her life was going to be a neat tidy act. That my son would never know them, no harm no foul, but two things have happened. Over a five year span of time the family has stopped facilitating her wishes to not have me around at family functions. Early on it was me being shut out so she wouldn't be upset. When she would find out about me being invited she would demand I be uninvited or (cue the emotional blackmail) she wouldn't be coming. About 2.5 years in, that started breaking down because my family was missing me really bad. And she was being cruel at these events. They all one by one of their own volition started expressing their desire to be away from her and they must have me there. So they let her know they will no longer refuse me an invite. They extend one to her too, but so far she refuses. I have been praying she would eventually rejoin us and leave cruelty behind. This may be the beginnings of that answered prayer.

The second thing that has happened are all these funerals. By the time this one happened this week, she is realizing her "tidy" cut off of me has failed. She is going to see me and she is going to see my son. Its inevitable. She said if we lived in different states it would have been different, but because we don't she doesn't want my son to feel abandoned. (I know, odd thinking given she tried to cut us out six years ago) . He asked me a week ago "who is your mom?" Now he knows...I am grateful his awareness she was missing is just now showing up. Thursday I showed him who she was and my step dad. He has seen them before at different things and I've told him who they are, but now he made the mental connection that they are connected to me. Gods timing.

I've already begun talking to her about all of us making better choices going forward. H is on board, though VERY cautiously optimistic, as am I. Our goal is to continue to keep our eyes on Jesus, honor and protect each other. I will let her know... Slow and right beats fast and wrong. Just while we are going slow that her job is to trust the process. No pushing and pulling. That approach will fail with my H.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What precipitated all of this hostility?

Why does your mother seem to have it in for you so badly?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> What precipitated all of this hostility?
> 
> Why does your mother seem to have it in for you so badly?


Gotta admit to curiosity about that point as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

That is not a question easily answered. But will try to piece it together when I have time. It will be difficult to condense 40 plus years into a clear picture. Lots of layers, but all centered on her extreme need to control.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That is not a question easily answered. But will try to piece it together when I have time. It will be difficult to condense 40 plus years into a clear picture. Lots of layers, but all centered on her extreme need to control.


It is interesting how a parent can turn against their own child, but when they have a particular thing in mind about how that child ought to be and that child refuses to bend to the mold, a narcissistic parent can become really crazy in how they respond to the apparent failure of their control.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That is not a question easily answered. But will try to piece it together when I have time. It will be difficult to condense 40 plus years into a clear picture. Lots of layers, but all centered on her extreme need to control.


When women are controlling it's often because they are feeling unsafe. If you can think of some ways to help your mother feel safe, she may be able to calm down and let go of some of that need to control.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I'm not sure I can rehash those stories guys. Makes me physically ill to think about those events due to the abuse, that was emotional, psychological, verbal, physical by both mom and step dad.

I tried everything jld, including making her feel safe.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Quite frankly, it is not your job to do anything to make the relationship work. You have done your duty and if she wants any kind of relationship, she should be the one to start with an apology of exactly what she has done to hurt you and what she is going to do to repair the damage. That is what true repentance would require.
If she is not willing to do that, she is not a safe person. I believe that scripture backs up this approach.
With my father, the only reason I allowed him and his wife back into our lives was due to my dad's brain injury and his inability to cause further harm. His wife could not do anything either.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think making her feel safe is the only way to achieve a breakthrough. It may not be able to come from you, but I hope someone can do it.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Cynthia, do you think we all have the same capabilities?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> Cynthia, do you think we all have the same capabilities?


I believe we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. The Bible gives excellent direction for dealing with difficult situations and difficult people. If it is the will of God, God will give us all we need to carry out his will. And, yes, sometimes it is hard, but that's okay.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I believe we can do all things through Christ who gives us strength. The Bible gives excellent direction for dealing with difficult situations and difficult people. If it is the will of God, God will give us all we need to carry out his will. And, yes, sometimes it is hard, but that's okay.


Remember Jesus reached out to the prostitutes and the tax collectors? Remember _he_ went to _them_?

My husband says we don't all have the same capabilities. If someone doesn't reach out to Blossom's mom, and I'm not saying it needs to be Blossom, I don't know if she's going to ever feel safe.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

jld said:


> Remember Jesus reached out to the prostitutes and the tax collectors? Remember _he_ went to _them_?
> 
> My husband says we don't all have the same capabilities. If someone doesn't reach out to Blossom's mom, and I'm not saying it needs to be Blossom, I don't know if she's going to ever feel safe.


Blossom has reached out to her mother. If Jesus reached out to someone and they rejected Him, he turned away from them. When he sent the disciples out, He told them that if they were rejected in a town to wipe the dust off their feet as they left.
2 Chronicles 15:2b
the LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you.

This scripture speaks to me about a healthy relationship.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The things done to me cannot be repaid, so this is a mercy situation, just like I chose to do with my H after being led by the Spirit to do so when my H was partially repentant . Full repentance developed on its own as he kept walking with Christ and without me demanding it. I asked him to leave our space when he was at the height of his unsafe behavior, the rest came from him except boundaries exercised by me when the unsafe behavior would show up.

She and I were on the phone for an hour last night. We had called to let her know that we are all in agreement to build a relationship between the five of us. I agree with you jld that part of this process is focusing on safety for her. I have that capacity for the most part, was just commenting that that had not been neglected in the past. I did a lot of work on that before just having to flat out save myself from her behavior to prevent a full on emotional breakdown in me. At the time I had no choice but to switch to survival mode. It was then that I let her know that going forward her behavior would no longer be taken in silence, she wanted no part of accountability and cut me off and my son.

Fast forward six years and I've seen a softening in her over this past year. Something is different. Partial repentance? Don't know yet. Her past behavior has been bad enough to take serious precautions moving forward.Interesting thing is, I'm not saying anything different today. The change is she is starting to listen. This is what makes me think this may be the beginnings of full repentence. BUT I can tell she is not fully aware of what she has done. Question remains... Do I open that door or let God do it in His total sufficiency. He may have to because I don't feel I have the strength to go there. Engaging with her takes a lot out of me because of my ptsd. I was exhausted after the call last night.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> What precipitated all of this hostility?
> 
> Why does your mother seem to have it in for you so badly?


As I have pondered how to answer this, the truth is I don't fully understand it. No one around me here locally understands it. For years my #1 question was why does she treat me that way. And its not limited to me, others have felt the wave of wrath. Her own father from his death bed told her she was a cruel woman as he watched her handle people around him and he was a man's man, very wise. 

All I have are theories because nailing her down is like nailing jello to a tree and trying to anticipate her is like trying to guess where a grain of sand will land on the bottom of the ocean. 

The only thing I do know for sure is, she is not fully rational.

For instance...

In the summer of 2008, I had invited her to the beach with me to have some alone time and try to reconnect because our relationship was strained. I shared with her I didn't want it to be that way. She had just returned from a similar trip with her mom and sisters. She turned me down by saying I had not been there for her when her father died. I was extremely puzzled by that comment since I held her in my arms for a long time the night he died at his hospital bed. I don't know how long we were there while she grieved, but I never left her. My brother did not come home for the funeral, but I read my eulogy at the funeral, plus his, while he was on the cell phone. So, in my puzzlement, I asked her how she came to that conclusion and she said I didn't hide my divorce from my grandmother long enough. :scratchhead: 1. She gave no acceptable timeframe. 2. I complied for three months. 3. This was the moment that solidified her irrational abuse in my mind. Right before she gave this reason she had said that she was done bending over backwards for my brother and I since we were not there for her when her dad died and that she was only going to focus on our step dad going forward, that she might change her mind going forward, but it might take years and it would depend on our performance towards her.

Ummm... The key to that moment was, she doesn't bend over backwards for me, ever, but does so for my brother. He didn't come home, but I was there and was heavy support for her, yet she somehow blocked it out in her wrath about me exposing my divorce when I chose to finally stop wearing my rings. She was upset with my divorce, but treated me the same before the divorce, so it is not the reason, just more excuse to abuse. She will use any means necessary, rational or irrational to maintain her power.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

As I write that out, I realize what the shift is I've seen this past year... Her realization that her power is limited and possibly as far as that its driving people away from her.

That's a good thing and exactly where this needs to start.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Does she maybe hate your father? Bitterness can spill over onto the child of someone despised.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Does she maybe hate your father? Bitterness can spill over onto the child of someone despised.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She does. Very much so, which is one of the theories since I look just like him.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She does. Very much so, which is one of the theories since I look just like him.


I think it is a theory with validity. Comparatively, how different have you related to your father as opposed to your mother?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I think it is a theory with validity. Comparatively, how different have you related to your father as opposed to your mother?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It has varied. When I was little, I had natural child reactions. I felt safe around my Birth Dad and loved him very much. So I didn't understand why my Mom and Step Dad constantly berated my feelings over him. He was described as abusive towards Mom during his alcoholism and he admits to joint altercations between them, but she painted him as being the sole abuser, but evidence over time proves otherwise. He has had two wives after my Mom. He was married to my Mom for seven years, then the 2nd wife for eleven years and my step brother explained to me that my Dad was not abusive to her, but that his 2nd wife was DEFINITELY abusive to him and it ended the marriage. He stopped drinking in 88' when he married my now Step Mom. She too witnesses that he has never once been abusive with her. He turned his life around in a big way with his drinking and they've been married almost thirty years and he is celebrating almost 30 years sobriety. Sadly in my 20's I cut him out of my life for eleven years. I had interalized my Mothers anger towards him, but we reconciled in my 30's. I have always refrained from rubbing anything about him in their faces while at the same time maintaining that there doesn't exist reason especially after all this time to not have a relationship with him


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Met with my professional counselor yesterday and he helped me solidify my thoughts on how to move forward and that it I will HAVE to remain at a 50,000 foot view emotionally and mentally through this process. As I have moved through the past few days trying to visualize a path forward with my Mother and Step Dad back in my life it has been *very* draining on me mentally and emotionally. My H and I had a spat about her Sunday. His fears about her really came on the scene when he witnesses what it does to me and he was a bit heavy handed with me in that fear. He realized he needs to watch that during this process. Its bad enough to wrangle my own fears, his layered on top will fail because it drives me deeper into the fears instead of inviting me out of them. It is imperative to us that this in no way jeopardizes our reconciliation. After seeing the counselor yesterday, it is very clear to me that my H and I have to operate in the Spirit, our eyes solidly on Christ, accurate theology in tact and take this very slowly because we have FOUR adults with trauma residual and triggers trying to come back together after a six year separation.

ETA: Next step is scheduling a dinner with just the adults to discuss without our son around.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Sounds like you're going in with your eyes open & being cautious. That's a good start. Hope everything goes well. Good luck.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I can so relate to your situation with your mother Blossom. I had a volatile relationship with my mom too. She was a pain pill addict and took out all her anger on me. I grew up thinking she hated me. It's amazing the rationalizations they can come up with for their mistreatment of you isn't it? Did you ever hear the, "You are just like your father" line? If I heard that once growing up, I heard it a million times. I say, Thank God I am like my father!! My mom and dad finally divorced and my mom died in 2010 and we still didn't have much of a relationship. I had been alienated, except for when she needed money or wanted me to do something - and she would wonder why I never wanted to be around her. Geez! It was really sad and I wish we could have had a better relationship for both our sakes; but it just wasn't meant to be I suppose. Thank goodness, I have a wonderful dad and he more than made up for her.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes ma'am I heard the "you don't want to be scum of the earth, low, life loser like your birth dad" OVER AND OVER on top of "if you have a relationship with him you will devastate your step dad"

My counselors have said it is some of the worst emotional abuse and blackmail they have ever heard. The counselor yesterday called my mother diabolical and is trying to figure out if she has Antisocial, BPD or NPD or a blend. 

He confirmed that this is not a nurture and get your needs met kind of relationship. It will be manage it from as high as possible. And the ONLY reason I would even crack this door is the shift I've seen in her over the past year. So I know one of the FIRST perspectives I MUST maintain is not to expect ANY need to be met by her or my step dad. And not to set up my son to expect or need that either.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And in participating in another thread... she will HAVE to be responsive to boundaries or this is a no go.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

There must've been some big hurt in your mothers life at some point for her to be the way she is unless it is inborn mental illness. Not that you need to be the healer of her at all. I think it is very courageous of you to accept to even attempt a relationship.

I used to belong to a breast-feeding organization about 20 years ago when my daughter was born. One of the leaders had been abused in her first marriage. She divorced him and he remarried.

The new wife was just crazy about her husband. She couldn't believe the stories that she had heard about how awful he was to his first wife. 

Well one day she was over at the leader's house with her husband to pick up his kids. For some reason the leader and her ex-husband started arguing and eventually he tried to choke her right in front of his new wife. The new wife was absolutely stunned.

The next week she called the leader and invited her for lunch. She apologized and said until she had seen his anger with her own eyes it just didn't seem possible.

I'm not saying that anything like that happened with your birth dad and your mom. But I bet if you could look into your mother's memories there might be something there that would trigger great compassion for her. And perhaps an ability to forgive her effortlessly.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> And in participating in another thread... she will HAVE to be responsive to boundaries or this is a no go.


Of course. Otherwise there would be no point in it at all.

JLD, where did you get the idea that Blossom hasn't forgiven her mother?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't know where she is on the forgiveness path. I'm not sure it's always a one-shot deal.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My mother's sisters attest that she has "always" been this way, so that's premarriage days. I do believe trauma was inflicted in her first marriage with my birth dad, my point is it wasn't one sided like she claims, therefore she bares some responsibility through the years. From my mothers violent tendencies I have personally witnessed and experienced, I believe it was mutual domestic violence. My birth dad claims she even busted his ear drum hitting him so hard on the side of the head. Also, when growing up, I never saw my birth dad's anger/violence, ONLY the violence in my mother and step father. Then add the witness of two half brothers, a step brother and another wife to refute it that he never displayed that type of behavior around them either. It just doesn't add up to be the brutality she claimed it was. Plus there have been other lies uncovered by her own mother, who was gracious enough to tell me.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

At the same time I possess a tremendous amount of compassion, empathy and grace towards my mother unless I am placed in survival mode. My counselor yesterday called it supernatural. 

It is not I who has kept us apart for six years. She kept herself from me because she did not want to face personal accountability for her behavioral choices.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

At least she's aware. I'm not sure that people with mental illness are even aware of bad things they've done.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

And here is really how all of that unfolded in finding out the lies...

I had internalized my mother's anger towards my birth father. Totally bought her story. When I was 21 I cut him out of my life. Well... fast forward 11 years and God started speaking to my heart about forgiving him. So I called him up and just through the process of getting to know him again and my step mom and my brothers I started asking questions I had never asked before and over the past ten years between interviewing the rest of the family who were around at the time on both sides of the family a different picture emerged, one that was surrounded by lies. Some truth, but definitely enough lies to begin to question the validity to the severity as well as the sole perpetrator of the abuse in that marriage as being my birth dad.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> At least she's aware. I'm not sure that people with mental illness are even aware of bad things they've done.


Who's aware?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Your mom. She is aware of her failings.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> At the same time I possess a tremendous amount of compassion, empathy and grace towards my mother unless I am placed in survival mode. My counselor yesterday called it supernatural.
> 
> It is not I who has kept us apart for six years. She kept herself from me because she did not want to face personal accountability for her behavioral choices.


It is supernatural. It is from the Holy Spirit in you.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Your mom. She is aware of her failings.


No, she's not.

What gives you that impression?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> It is supernatural. It is from the Holy Spirit in you.


Yes it is... very much so...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She kept herself from me because she did not want to face personal accountability for her behavioral choices.


This. She knows she was wrong.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> This. She knows she was wrong.




That is my opinion of why she cut me out. 

She was upset that I broke the silence on her abuse to the rest of the family.

So that statement may inadvertently communicate awareness on her part that is not there.

The only thing I think has happened over this past year is she has felt limits to her power/control and that's why the softening, but if you were to ask her her wrongs... I would be willing to bet she would either shut you down or blameshift. I'm not sure she is to the point of admission of guilt.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> She kept herself from me because she did not want to face personal accountability for her behavioral choices.
> This. She knows she was wrong.





jld said:


> This. She knows she was wrong.


Far be it from me to speak "for" Blossom Leigh, but since it seems that we are dealing with parents who are emotional twins on some level, may I reply to this?

My own mother is the one who beat me as a child. We lived on a farm in the 70's and back then it was completely normal to spank a child. But even as a young child, I knew that what was happening to us was scary and "not normal." I have one sister who is about 1 1/2 years younger than I am, and another who was a surprise baby about 10 years younger than I am. My parents used to drink, fight with each other, we would watch from like under a table, and then my dad would leave--go to the bar probably--and my mom would turn on us. My baby sister was relatively safe in her crib, but my younger sister and I bore the brunt of the abuse together. Blossom, I'm sure you can imagine that even remembering it is very hard, but by the same token I do not block it out and I can remember if it is necessary to do so. These days I primarily think of those events as "the past" and thank God that I've survived them to live to this day! But suffice it to say that if I told you some of the stories, your toes would curl.

Soooo...many people ask me to this day "How can you have a relationship with your parents?" My mom literally hit me with a broom handle on a daily basis; my dad abandoned us to go get drunk probably some part of him knowing what he was leaving us to. And I confess, it took my a long time to even figure out what nurturing and love are! The concepts were just foreign to me!

But here's the conclusion I've reached. My mom is undiagnosed and untreated bipolar at least--possibly more. Again, even as a child I saw the effects of bipolar and just didn't know what it was: I called it "the phases of the moon" because it seemed to be somewhat like that--she'd be fairly normal and happy, then crest "full moon" phase and be just insane (you'd have to be there, but truly it was not sanity), then it a brief period of walking on eggshells, then pull the curtains and live in darkness...then fairly normal and happy and the whole thing would start again. It wasn't monthly but it was sort of like cycles and I could see them. And to this day she refused to admit or acknowledge that she is mentally ill, to see any kind of counselor or therapist, to take any medication--she just denies that it happened in the past or is happening now. 

As for "knowing she was wrong"? Well she does admit that she did "spank" us and that she may have been over-zealous, but she blames it on the denomination and the church and blahblahblah. I think some portion of her knows what she did and that it was wrong, but I have learned that she was beat as a child as well, so she just did what was done to her. In addition, I would guess that she just does not have the ability to look at herself and see what she did wrong without somehow completely knocking over her own image of herself. Long story short, I think she was taught as a child that any time you admit you were wrong, you got beat and severely punished, and thus it's better to deny and cover up. Now is she INCAPABLE of telling the truth? No. She absolutely does tell the truth, and these days she usually does! Further, I believe as she got older (like 60+) she did become a christian and she does the best she can there, without delving into what she did the past too much. It's too overwhelming for her to think of what she did and who she did it too...and still be okay in the present. So for her, we speak on the phone regularly, we send presents back and forth, we write letters--we are not very close but it's more than civil and when she's having one of her moods, she's 2000 miles away. She will send a strange letter, and personally, once I discern it's "one of those letters" I don't read it, and I just burn it and release it. I let it roll off my back. 

And my dad is an alcoholic-period. Sometimes he is a dry alcoholic. Sometimes he is a raging alcoholic. Often he tries to deny it by saying he's a christian and going dry, but the characteristics remain and he refuses to go to any treatment or AA so I know he hasn't addressed it and changed at all. He has drunk so much for so long that his nerves are being affected by alcoholic neuropathy, and yet he tries to claim he "doesn't drink that much" etc. Years ago he asked if my kids could come spend a month with him and my stepmom in the summer. My kids were 5 and 7 at the time--fairly young--and my husband at the time and I were not drinkers, so I was not comfortable with such young children being around a drunk all by themselves--I didn't think they would know how to handle it, nor did I think it would be "fun" for them to see their Grampa drunk every night! (My dad tends to drink a case a night then start yelling and screaming about politics or religion or whatever.) So I proposed two options: I would accompany the kids and we'd come spend two weeks in the summer -OR- he could agree to begin some sort of alcoholism treatment now and when summer came around they could come if he wasn't drinking. After that, he essentially has not spoken to me again. I say essentially because my stepmom does send a Christmas card every year, and I send one back, but other than that, my father has not spoken to me himself in probably 20 years--and I doubt he will. He wants to see himself as a "man of God" who is not chained to alcohol and does not need to change, and I think I challenge that image so I'm out. If he ever tried to contact me, I'd speak to him. I hold him no ill will--I just don't think he has the courage within him to face the truth. 

So in a summary, do they know what they did was wrong? Probably on some sub-conscious level, yes--much like a disloyal spouse knows somewhere within themselves that what they are doing is wrong. But consciously? On a level where they think about it and accept that they were wrong and need to change? No. Not even close. I doubt either of them ever will.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I'm sure reconnecting with your father distanced her even more. If she is anything like my mother was, she didn't think you could actually love the both of them. It was her or nothing.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Jesus ... Girl, there were triggers for me all over that post.

I'm sure we both could share hair raising stories. I know many instances where both my step dad and mom would have been arrested had those things happened today. 

She too rewrites history... she denies us ever being latch key kids, but I was a latch key kid from the age of four an up that I can remember. Its how I was molested more than once at that age.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

karole said:


> I'm sure reconnecting with your father distanced her even more. If she is anything like my mother was, she didn't think you could actually love the both of them. It was her or nothing.


Yes, I have been a challenge to the picture she was "trying" to paint of our family. When it didn't make sense or didn't add up, it was pointed out or questioned the older I got, though for a time I bought her story. Sometimes I think it was just to get the emotional pressure off of me of seeing the holes in her story. 

I will say I deeply love them both, my mom and step dad, but am highly aware of our reality.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I loved my mom too, she just made it very difficult to show her any love. It's actually very sad. She led such a miserable existence that wasn't necessary, but she just couldn't see it. It was always everybody else's fault.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

That's the hard part. Longing to be so close, but being injured with every attempt. After a while that is no longer wise.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I'm so sorry, Blossom.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Me too... I've been through hell, but the hardest day of my life was the day I let go of the hope that it would ever be a close relationship. It is very painful to grieve someone while they are alive.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Me too... I've been through hell, but the hardest day of my life was the day I let go of the hope that it would ever be a close relationship. It is very painful to grieve someone while they are alive.


I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm not sure I'd say it was the hardest day, because man--I've had some HARD DAYS!--but it was one that I remember akin to being shot: the day I realized that I couldn't make sense of it because there was NO SENSE TO IT ... the day I realized I let go of the hope I'd ever be loved by them in that kind of close, nurturing way. 

Now, I know that sounds just horrible and sad, but actually it was VERY freeing. Up to that point I'd been killing myself to "figure it out" and if I only did this and/or that they could love me, and then I realized that it just wasn't going to happen and that it wasn't the end of the world. It doesn't mean that I am unlovable or that someone won't love me--shoot I've had a lot of women in my life whom I consider a mother by choice instead of a mother by blood. At the same time, I just didn't have to struggle trying to figure this out anymore. I could just let it be what it was, which is "unfigureoutable." LOL

I think of it like trying to figure out how to get the blind person to see and they just can not...and then one day you just realize "they will never be able to see" and you start to think of how to operate with them knowing that they are blind. They just ARE. So you can move forward knowing "sight just is not going to happen" and it's pretty okay.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> I agree with this wholeheartedly. I'm not sure I'd say it was the hardest day, because man--I've had some HARD DAYS!--but it was one that I remember akin to being shot:*VERY accurate description... through the heart* the day I realized that I couldn't make sense of it because there was NO SENSE TO IT *CORRECT, same realization here* ... the day I realized I let go of the hope I'd ever be loved by them in that kind of close, nurturing way.*Precisely *
> 
> Now, I know that sounds just horrible and sad, but actually it was VERY freeing.*Yes, it is very freeing and it took time to fully process just how freeing it was.* Up to that point I'd been killing myself to "figure it out" *Me too!! It was brutal!!*and if I only did this and/or that they could love me*yep*, and then I realized that it just wasn't going to happen*yep* and that it wasn't the end of the world. *Hallelujah* It doesn't mean that I am unlovable*which took me a long time to understand* or that someone won't love me*still struggle with this*--shoot I've had a lot of women in my life whom I consider a mother by choice instead of a mother by blood*me too!! My Aunt is one of them, my step mother and some of their friends and mothers of friends of mine*. At the same time, I just didn't have to struggle trying to figure this out anymore.*Ditto!!* I could just let it be what it was, which is "unfigureoutable." LOL :rofl:
> 
> I think of it like trying to figure out how to get the blind person to see and they just can not...and then one day you just realize "they will never be able to see" and you start to think of how to operate with them knowing that they are blind. They just ARE. So you can move forward knowing "sight just is not going to happen" and it's pretty okay.


 *Yea, this will be the area I need to remain cognizant of, that I've already processed all of this and had already grieved her, and she is blind. *

Once you've grieved someone who chooses to walk back into your life its hard to know what that is going to look like. But I am so glad you shared all of this to remind me the path I've already walked and that this will be a very different perspective than in the past. You and I ought to meet sometime Girl. Would love to spend time with a Sister survivor. Blessed talks for sure.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree--I would love to meet you. I already feel like we are "sisters from different mothers" on this earth, and we're definitely sisters in Christ.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> I agree--I would love to meet you. I already feel like we are "sisters from different mothers" on this earth, and we're definitely sisters in Christ.


I feel *very* much the same ..... Lets pray on timing and start looking for opportunity to travel to each other.

We are almost 2000 miles apart I think.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What does"latch key" mean?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Came home from school to no supervision.

She swears we were never left alone. 

I don't know how she can lie to herself to that degree when we were not supervised at home from the age of 4 for me and 6 for my brother. I remember from age six, walking home alone from school. Age 7 to 12 walked to and from school almost exclusively with some bus time in there. We lived three miles from the school. And never supervision.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Thanks. Hadn't heard that term before.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Latchkey kid - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Interesting read. So I can see where a predator or bully might be able to take advantage if they know how long a child will be alone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Interesting read. So I can see where a predator or bully might be able to take advantage if they know how long a child will be alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mean like a neighborhood kid and a brother?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You mean like a neighborhood kid and a brother?


Anyone who knows you will be alone and for how long. That is a generalization. I wasn't a latch key but had really bad stuff happen. I was trying to picture how your molesters took advantage of your situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea...


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Came home from school to no supervision.
> 
> She swears we were never left alone.
> 
> I don't know how she can lie to herself to that degree when we were not supervised at home from the age of 4 for me and 6 for my brother. I remember from age six, walking home alone from school. Age 7 to 12 walked to and from school almost exclusively with some bus time in there. We lived three miles from the school. And never supervision.


She feels guilty. To cope with the guilt, she lies to herself. Very unhealthy, and pretty common.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

That tracks..


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That tracks..


?


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jld said:


> ?


She means it makes sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

lol...

sorry... my H has to decifer me to others too sometimes, escpecially to our son.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, okay. 

Blossom, my mom blamed my sister for my sister's being molested and impregnated by a teacher at our school. My sister was 12 when the teacher secretly took her for an abortion. 

My mom blamed my sister because she didn't want to take any responsibility for what had happened. Any normal mother would've felt terrible for what her daughter had gone through and would be upset with herself for not having noticed and intervened. 

But my mother was very weak. Everything was almost always someone else's fault, rarely hers.

My mother's inability or unwillingness to be responsible limited her relationships with her children. There is always a price for lying to ourselves.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> Oh, okay.
> 
> Blossom, my mom blamed my sister for my sister's being molested and impregnated by a teacher at our school. My sister was 12 when the teacher secretly took her for an abortion.
> 
> ...


Agreed. And I am wondering how much projection my mother does onto me for her own failings. She is upset at herself but projects it onto me. For instance... she was divorced, but treated me horribly for making the same choice. EVEN THOUGH she tried to break us up before we got married. I finally leave him and now she is against me. Crazy making stuff. 

My mother is very strong/intelligent, but with an irrational bent and very weak and very afraid of everything at the same time. I had a two hour conversation with her a couple of years ago around mothers day and the one thing I noticed was how afraid she is in general of everything because she kept asking me... "aren't you afraid that xyz will happen... " I kept answering... "No" just as calm as a cucumber. She and I are VERY different. She does not understand my calmness and it actually bugs her.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think active listening would work great with her. Acknowledging her fears was probably what she really needed. It may have opened up her own heart to talking about her feelings about her divorce.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I think active listening would work great with her. Acknowledging her fears was probably what she really needed. It may have opened up her own heart to talking about her feelings about her divorce.


I was reeling in such pain from her ruthlessness at the time, it wasn't possible. Going forward... maybe. It will depend on a lot of things.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I understand. I have family members I am not able to even consider reconciling with at this point. Everything in its own time.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I understand. I have family members I am not able to even consider reconciling with at this point. Everything in its own time.



Yea, I've got to assess my strength in their space as well as where they are and what they have learned in the past six years to help formulate a path forward if one exists. My H and I agreed just to put ourselves in their space and listen for a while first. Short visits. No promises. Take it as it comes. Stay in the Spirit.

It's critical to be smart about this since she had an impact on my last marriage and that won't be allowed this time.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

But you are not in the same place as you were last time. You are stronger now.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> But you are not in the same place as you were last time. You are stronger now.


MUCH ... but she still has a heavy impact on me. I was VERY drained after an hour on the phone with her the other night. 
And as clear minded as I can be... engaging her sometimes gets me turned around backwards.

Even my counselor noticed it this week.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Then just go at your own pace.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yea, I have too.

And I will have to allow for HER pace if she wants to go slower than me.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, I have too.
> 
> And I will have to allow for HER pace if she wants to go slower than me.


She already is going slower than you, because in order for her to move forward she has to face the truth. You are facing the truth and continue to learn and grow daily.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> She already is going slower than you, because in order for her to move forward she has to face the truth. You are facing the truth and continue to learn and grow daily.



Thank you CynthiaDe.. my Mama (step mother) says the same thing, that she has never seen someone work so hard to grow and do the right thing. My Birth Dad recently told me he wished they had had the wisdom that I have now back when he was with my Mom or even when they first split up and it would have been easier on everyone. That compliment truly meant a lot to me.


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

hugs, Blossom. You are on the right track.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Thanks CynthiaDe. Hugs backatcha!


----------



## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Blossom please excuse the question, but having given your thread a rather cursory examination, I'm curious to know: What exactly are you recovering from? If I had to make a guess, I'd say your hubby had, um, shall we say, an, uh, "indiscretion" with another lady? Anyway, hope your life is going well.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How long have you got?

My list is long...

Where would you like me to start?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Tomorrow's the day.. we meet with my Mom and Step Dad about forging our tomorrows engaged in relationships with each other. Cover us in prayer... much appreciated.


----------



## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

"aren't you afraid that xyz will happen... " I kept answering... "No" just as calm as a cucumber. She and I are VERY different. She does not understand my calmness and it actually bugs her.

This is your faith! This is the grace of God! This is God's peace! This is His spirit living in you!

Wishing your mother could find the same..........

Not to hijack your thread, but can you tell me about you and your horses? I am a dad to 3 horse crazy daughters. They have taken my life to places you would never imagine.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

JustAnotherMan said:


> "aren't you afraid that xyz will happen... " I kept answering... "No" just as calm as a cucumber. She and I are VERY different. She does not understand my calmness and it actually bugs her.
> 
> This is your faith! This is the grace of God! This is God's peace! This is His spirit living in you!
> 
> ...



LOL! They will do that...

My basic story with them is they were both rescues. Big time behavioral problems when I first got them. Both had been abused and were highly reactive. It put me on a learning curve of what to do about it and the only program I found that worked for them was Parelli Natural Horsemanship. What would you like to know?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yall pray... See them in about a hour. Nervous as HELL


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

How are you doing?


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yesterday was a longggggg day. We were there at 11:00 and left at 8ish. Our son was there starting at 2 oclock. I was so nervous yesterday because my H, mother and Step Dad all three can be volatile and escalate fast, which I was struggling with how to control that knowing I can't. So it took me some time to get settled. The conversation would flow from life talk to how to move forward. They literally have to get to know us, she wants pictures of us to put in her house because there aren't any, and non of us feel that our son needs to know all of what happened between the four of us. My H prefers a full on apology, but when we got back home last night he too noticed the softness of contrition in both of them towards us and read very accurately that for now this is their way of making amends and he feels the rest may come. We both feel the Holy Spirit is convicting of sin because as they would tell stories of other families acting poorly you could see recognition of remorse in their faces that they had done the same. So as things look right now it feels like full on remorse and apology will happen organically and we are both ok with that.

One extremely interesting comment yesterday was when my Mom said "I could never trust my mother to protect me from scary situations." I have NEVER heard her speak with that level of vulnerability and transparency. And found it ironic...


The only thing our son brought up was "she probably hasn't seen me since I was born" but thats as far as it went. I fully expect him to be curious at some point. We will have to figure out the best response at that time.

I was proud that my H was calm and gracious, attentive yesterday WITHOUT leaving his backbone at the door. Sexy man .....


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

H was flirting with me so much in church today... rawr! And just kept wrapped in his arms... Happy soul...


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> H was flirting with me so much in church today... rawr! And just kept wrapped in his arms... Happy soul...


I'm glad. <3


----------



## JustAnotherMan (Jun 27, 2012)

I am very happy that your mother and step father have decided to have you back in their lives. Great that they were civil and friendly during the visit. I am very impressed that your H supported you through the meeting and remained calm. 

Parelli is a fine trainer. I was into the training 15 years ago and liked John Lyons, though he is very monotoned and boring. LOL.

My daughters do the training and riding and have done amazing things with horses.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep, I like Lyons too. 

That is great about your daughters. Most of my time was spent helping them recovery from abuse triggers and feel safe.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This song has really spoken to me this week. When my H and I first got together we had common dreams and somewhere along the way it shifted and we found ourselves dead locked in a heated battle, then the affair happened and we found ourselves battered and bruised, but still in love... neither of us better than the other yet with no perfectly clear path forward other than God... At the end of the day.. it was all we had. So this song meets me where we chose to stand up, dust off, take each others hands and walk with each other towards God...

*https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhxELo-uD3c*

Casting Crowns (Broken Together)

What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairy tale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night?

It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we won't give up the fight

It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

JustAnotherMan said:


> Parelli is a fine trainer. I was into the training 15 years ago and liked John Lyons, though he is very monotoned and boring. LOL.
> 
> My daughters do the training and riding and have done amazing things with horses.





Blossom Leigh said:


> Yep, I like Lyons too.
> 
> That is great about your daughters. Most of my time was spent helping them recovery from abuse triggers and feel safe.


My Mom was all about horses, and worked with Dr. Charles Williamson (Breaking and Training the Stock Horse). She also trained dressage, hunt/jump, all that sh!t. 

I've had two horses since I left home at the ripe old age of 17, and I'll never buy another one. I love them, but they're better when they're someone else's. 

Glad to hear things are ironing out for you, Blossom. You deserve the better life.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yesterday was a beautiful celebration of where we are, how far we've come and excitement of building our life together. Amazing food at a swank restaurant, thoroughly enjoying each other, then home to candles and sheets. Our emotional ebb and flow was amazing and deeply fulfilling for us both. Both feeling so loved and so blessed. Best Valentines experience of my life.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

The only scary spot was an oops that could mean pregnancy for me and I am super high risk so we had to "fix" that oops and call my OB tomorrow.  poor hubs was so supportive and loving though scared .. hope our "fix" worked.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Nice to have a good Valentine's Day. 

Not my thing, personally. But when a couple has something on that day with meaning for each other, that's really nice.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

We continue to grow strong... Just sent this to me yesterday

"I love you Baby and you are worth more than I can ever hope to pay" (with his life was his meaning).


And after church today I suggested a new restaurant in town..


We walk in...

And its a glorified Hooters... LOL. I walked my churchified self right in and ate a great meal with my sweet hubby and we had so many laughs and giggle over me picking this joint. It was testament to how strong we are post infidelity. I love this man and he loves me... Deeply.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This is the maturity and deep love that speaks to my heart.


A Couple's Love Story Will Restore Your Faith In Marriage Today: https://youtu.be/ZYqMkdLEDdg


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Maturity and deep love are all very well and good......but it's the oddball **** that keeps it interesting. GF is the FUNNIEST (and strangest) person on the planet. She kept me hooting with laughter and lust for the whole Vac.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I agree!!! LOVE humor and we laugh deeply and often. We are both quirky and are NEVER bored with each other.

So happy for your fun!! Good for you!


----------



## Rookie4 (Nov 26, 2012)

Yep. Had a great time, and DID NOT MISS THE WEATHER, AT ALL!!


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I bet! Thats awesome Rookie


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

My fww is the one who wouldn't go into a "glorified Hooters" with me. And go figure, she's the one who cheated. Yet she hates it when women hit on me.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Interesting. Was it guilt or more so jealousy?


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Appears to me to be jealousy. But it seems backwards; shouldn't I be the one who is jealous/possessive? So maybe part of it is guilt. A combination of things.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think she is projecting. Many times when people cheat they project their guilt onto the person who is not cheating in the form of jealousy. Its not uncommon.


----------



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I think she is projecting. Many times when people cheat they project their guilt onto the person who is not cheating in the form of jealousy. Its not uncommon.


hmmm, That would explain why, All of a sudden my H is now jealous of me..


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Frankly, I wish she'd get over it then. I get tired of hearing about how all women are sharks and somehow if a waitress calls me "hon" she must be flirting with me. Seriously, lots of people call other people "hon" and it doesn't mean a damned thing. 

That situation happened just a week or so ago. I didn't even NOTICE the gal called me hon. But I sure heard about it later.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Totally understand that frustration. I would call her on it, that you expect her to grow past that irritating insecurity.

I am a very Southern woman and call people, male or female, Hon, sugar, Darlin, all the time.


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Our dog was bitten by a poisonous snake today  


She's hanging in there, but just breaks my heart for her. We bring her home from vet in the morning.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

What kind of snake was it, and what's the prognosis? I hope she just gets a little ill, nothing worse. 

How does one tell someone else how to feel? Other than saying that insecurity is irritating, it's how she feels. I certainly wish she'd get past it (and a few other facets of insecurity), but she almost acts like it's me who cheated. I should get a free pass on the insecurity train.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Our dog was bitten by a poisonous snake today
> 
> 
> She's hanging in there, but just breaks my heart for her. We bring her home from vet in the morning.


Sorry about your dog Blossom. Is it ok?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My husband and I maintain an expectation of personal growth towards each other. We can feel the way we feel, but at the end of the day remaining stagnant doesn't work for us.

Our dog is recovering really well! Her hind foot is still sore, some necrotic tissue, but swelling is finally gone and she is slowly returning to normal energy. Very grateful. She is a great dog.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

All of you amaze me.


----------

