# Thoughts on my "goodbye"/"no contact" letter to DH



## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Friends:

Please give me your thoughts on this. I don't need to rehash too much - H gave me the "love you but not in love with you routine". I fought - hard - and got nowhere. He moved out. I was told plenty of times that there was no one else and lo and behold, the OW surfaced. He claimed it "just started" after he moved out, but that's not true. This OW was the one person that I had suspected the whole time. Anyway, he kept feeding me crumbs and told me up until the day I found out that he didn't know what he wanted, was still unsure, etc., and he even planned to attend a counseling session with me. As soon as I found out, I essentially went into hiding. No contact unless necessary to talk about the kids. I am not doing anything vindictive or stupid. Just sort of trying to soak it all in and heal. I sent him my own version of the "no contact" note today and wanted to get your take:

_As far as everything else goes, I have to say that I am writing with a very heavy heart. I have loved you since the day that we met and it's very difficult and shocking for me to see things unfold this way. I take responsibility for the things that went wrong in the marriage - the failure to put our relationship on a high priority; the short temper; the need to control and the insensitivity that I used at times when talking about things that were important to you. I apologize for that, recognize it, and would have loved the chance to try to fix those issues. I'm sure those issues helped to create an environment that allowed you to feel that it was okay to stray.

I'm also sure you've noticed that I am keeping myself at bay and keeping my contact with you at a bare minimum. That is purposeful. Regardless of what you have said, I'm certain that your new relationship started well before I even knew we had a serious problem. There were a lot of signals and signs and I ignored most of them because I wanted so badly to believe you. I also never took the extra step to investigate things further because, in part, I knew in my heart that I would find something that I did not want to see. Nevertheless, as long as you are with someone else, I will continue my no contact unless absolutely necessary rule. We simply cannot be friends or even on friendly terms. The pain runs much too deep. I had said many times that over the last several months you acted and treated me like you wanted me to just disappear. As long as you are with this other person, that is exactly what I will do. I will grieve the loss of my marriage, our friendship, and my family and will do my best to move on. I will deal with whatever legal issues I have to deal with and do that in a way that does not hurt my children in the short or long run. Other than that, I wish with all my heart that things did not turn out this way. 

If you have an inkling that this is not where you want things to be, I would be glad to talk to you about it. Until that day though, I will just be quiet, stop fighting and go away. _[/I]


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Blownaway, I am not a cheater but was cheated on. Your letter would deeply affect me, although I doubt it will do anything to stir emotion in a wayward spouse. Regrettably, your husband is too deep the the affair fog to care. He has a new piece of ass ***** to bring excitement to his less than exciting marriage.

From many months on this site, I think the prevailing advise would be to wait out his affair. It more than likely will fizzle out in short order and he will probably come crawling back. In the mean time, do not allow him to see you groveling or allow him to presume that you are waiting for him. You may want to give him the illusion (or reality) that you are going to be dating. This will go along way towards bursting his "have my cake and eat it too" bubble.
You may also want to reveal the affair to as many people as possible (his co-workers, friends, family & your social circle). It may be painful to do this (especially if you are a private person), but affairs operate best under the cloak of darkness and secrecy. Once revealed, they are far less exciting. Best of luck.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks Workingitout. I agree. He is waaaay into his "fog". He responded to the letter, gave me some half-assed apology and said that he now sees that he hurt me more than he thought he would. um ... not sure how he thought that would go, but he's not thinking that one through. He saw first hand how much this devastated me so I guess he's just trying to ignore that. Then, the kicker was that he said he believes this (the break up) happened for a reason. He doesn't know what the reason is, but he feels that. Well, the "reason" has a name so if he ever wants me to clear that up, I'll be happy to. My counselor said he is clearly "rationalizing" to make himself feel better about crushing his entire family and trying to make it easier on himself. I don't know if he'll ever come crawling back, but at this point, it's none of my concern. I am going to move forward with legal action and see where that takes us. Can't go flying without a net and wait it out without any protection. In the meantime, no contact = no more opportunity to hurt me. These "fog" idiots are just shells of their former selves. ...


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

Blownaway I completely understand your situation. I was until recenlty married to one of those deep in the fog creatures called now ex H. I got no apology, no real closure, nothing, nada! And it hurts like hell, every single day. We treat each other like business associates. He just happened to have a 2 year old child with me. That's all it seems.

I also keep any contact with him to absolute bare minimum. I am in CAnada he is in the US so maybe in a way that is better for me. I don't let him hurt me anymore. Mind you he never yells or insults but he does not apologizes or even discussess his affair. Heck he even lies about it to his own mother.

During the last year I also wrote 2 letters to my husband and he never had the balls to even respond to any of them

I have joined a single parent's group through www.meetup.com and I love it. I met lots of people in my situation. I try to keep myself busy with everything and anything that keeps my mind off things.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Thanks so much. I will just keep moving forward despite the pain. He will know one day what he lost, but he will likely never show me that. God forbid they show an emotion. He is missing out on two of the most important people in the world - our kids. I do everything I'm supposed to in order to keep him in their lives and make sure that they spend time since they deserve two parents. But, they will see clearly one day and they will know who was there every single day for them. They will remember their dad as the dumbass who left, got a one bedroom apartment, and took them to McDonald's twice a week. I don't bash him to them, but I also don't talk about him and they honestly don't look for him anymore when he's not here. They are only 7 and 3, but on some level, they know. Anyway, no contact just helps to avoid the pain and the drama and that's the best thing to do. I will move on and maybe one day things will be better. Maybe he was only supposed to be with me for a short time or a "season" so we could have these beautiful kids. I'd like to think there is something better out there and that next Christmas I will wonder why the hell I was so upset. ...


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Blownaway, hold tight, I fully understand your situation. I am freshly struggling myself. My kids are 6 and 10 and it's been only one week that my H admitted that there is someone else in his life. I know exactly how it feels to have someone else taking your place. I don't recognise my husband anymore, this is not the person I married. We are all still under one roof, but he is looking to moving out. I cannot imagine what this will do to my kids. We never fought or argued or yelled at each other before. This came as a bombshell a couple of months ago. I still cannot think straight, I cannot talk to him normally....I am completely upside down and still cannot accept what is happening....how can someone be so selfish.....I am trying to ignore him right now but I know it cannot continue....I will only be able to sit and talk when my emotions allow me to do so...right now I cannot.....it hurts like hell and although I know I have to take care of myself first, it's just b***** impossible right now....I am still struggling to at least accept the mess he is creating....(check my previous posts for more insight).
Every coming christmas will be a reminder of this hell....I cannot believe it.....


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry, Mata. It was the same way with us. Prior to his complete change in behavior, I think I could count on one hand the times that we actually seriously argued or he made me upset enough to cry. It came out of the blue for me too. I also do not recognize him and have zero respect for him. I'm lucky in that my kids are a little bit younger - my oldest is only 7 and the youngest is 3. It is extremely difficult to hold your tongue, especially when you're in the same house. You're smart to just stay away and avoid him. I exploded many times and it really got me no where. Trust me though, when he leaves there will be a tiny bit of relief because there will be no more wondering what he's up to, where he is, whether he's changing his mind, etc. You will get through it. Mine has been gone since mid-October. At first I thought I would die. I literally felt like just sitting in the corner and dying. I didn't want to do anything. Couldn't think straight. Cried at the drop of a hat and felt like just crawling out of my own skin. It still sucks BIG TIME, but it's better now that I know the real reason for all of this and now I can take back some control. Got my lawyer retained and keep contact to a bare minimum - only when necessary and only by text or email unless there is a true emergency. My kids see him regularly because they deserve two parents, and I am seeing a counselor regularly to get through it. We will get through it - I promise, better days are ahead.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

I can feel your hurt runs deep, you want to work on your marriage and you still love your husband.
To me, it's a love letter, instead of a no contact letter.
No contact only means when he's still in the contact with the OW.
I'm very sorry to see what you've been though but you've been strong and you sorted out things properly, regardless you have emotion rollercoaster.
What I can suggest you is to pray to God. I'm not a church person. I simply have faith and the miracle. Tell God clearly what you have suffered in your marriage and pray to Him to wake up your husband, to return to family with regret and love and to work on the marriage with you.
God saved my marriage when I caught my husband's affair. God also wanted me to be a more humble wife- Never quick tempered again! 
God takes care of marriages and he has done other miracle on my maid's DH. I have posted it here before. I want you to try out the praying because only your power is weak to send the evil woman away, so you need His power.
The last thing i'd suggest is, pls don't hide yourself. You need to communicate with your husband face to face.
The best way is show your love and sincerity without listening to his nonsense.
He would tell you lots of lies and nonsense at this stage.
If he did lie, that's because he still loves you and he didn't want to hurt you, but men are stupid liars. Anyway, why lie? he should just get divorced and go away with the OW instead of lying if he truely loves the OW.
You need to show him, you are still the wonderful woman he married many years ago.
You're not short-tempered anymore but sincerely, you show him you're willing to work on the marriage with him. Tell him, you won't give him up, unless he already gave you up, which I don't think so. I suspected he was having fun with the OW. He doesn't love her.
Talk to him! He wants to talk to you!


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I think I have done that and done more than my share of telling him how I feel. He knows that I would have given my left arm to save this relationship, but he's not willing to even try. I unfortunately do think that he loves this other woman, or at least thinks he does. He hemmed and hawed about what to do up until the minute that I found out. Once I found out, he essentially said that we can't be married any more. He is just not into this, or if he is, he is not showing any signs of wanting to come back. I think the praying is about all I have in the arsenal right now. Trying to wake him up myself has not worked and although I agree that it's really hard to just cut yourself off, I think at this point I have to do what's best for me and not go back in for another round of punches. No contact means no more opportunities to hurt me. He has hurt me an awful lot over the last several months and I simply can't go back in for more. If he ever wakes up and he ever realizes the magnitude of what he's done, maybe I would listen. I suspect though that I will have moved on and that my scars will run very deep. Thank you for your thoughts - I am grateful for everyone's comments. They really do help.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

blownaway said:


> I think I have done that and done more than my share of telling him how I feel. He knows that I would have given my left arm to save this relationship, but he's not willing to even try. I unfortunately do think that he loves this other woman, or at least thinks he does. He hemmed and hawed about what to do up until the minute that I found out. Once I found out, he essentially said that we can't be married any more. He is just not into this, or if he is, he is not showing any signs of wanting to come back. I think the praying is about all I have in the arsenal right now. Trying to wake him up myself has not worked and although I agree that it's really hard to just cut yourself off, I think at this point I have to do what's best for me and not go back in for another round of punches. No contact means no more opportunities to hurt me. He has hurt me an awful lot over the last several months and I simply can't go back in for more. If he ever wakes up and he ever realizes the magnitude of what he's done, maybe I would listen. I suspect though that I will have moved on and that my scars will run very deep. Thank you for your thoughts - I am grateful for everyone's comments. They really do help.



Is he at home with the kids everyday?

There are some misunderstandings between you & your husband.

What you think he is might not what he thinks he is.

We women tend to believe we understand what's in our husbands' brains and believe we are right. That's because you're too hurt to believe that he still loves you.

When he told you he's not having an affair, it means he's not, not yet giving away his love to the mistress. When the moment he said he can't stay in the marriage, (I'm not sure this was from his mouth or from your thoughts & feelings or when you're fighting, it means differently), it depended on how you interpreted his words.

Anyway, before these seveal months, he has been thinking about the marriage issue for a long time already.

Trust me,

Most men don't just give up family, kids & his wife because of a mistress, unless he has no hopes in his wife and finds it impossible to communicate with her. 

Despite finding it hard to fall back in love with the wife, he would still hesitate to break up with the wife.

You have to understand your husband without putting your own judgements in him.

The mistress, in a certain level, was just a woman who offers him a place where she listens to his venting, gives him comfort and gives him ideas, insights, and advice.

If he has an affair, yet not very sure to break up with you because he's struggling, so please do not take it as his dirty mind game that he's playing.

He's as painful as you are.

If you refuse to understand your husband, communicate with him with love, and you assume too much how his brain works, how evil he is, he might come back for the kids' sakes, but not for you.

Is this what you want in a marriage?

Of course not. You need a faithful, loving, responsible husband. But such husband doesn't just fall down from the skies and married you. He needs you to love him back and respect him back. So he would love you and respect you back. 

You also can't expect a man to love you unconditionally if you don't love him unconditionally. 

The fact is you still love him, that's why it hurts.

You can't lie yourself. You can't hide forever because you don't want more hurt. 

You love him deeply and what you really need is just his love.

Tell him to love you and stop hurting you.

Tell him you would do everything to make things work, you would do whatever it takes to re-create the sparks with him, but you also need his love & support.

When you show him you're still the woman he fell in love with. He will have hopes. He will leave the OW automatically, he would apologise and work things out with you.

Be sincere & humble.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Nope - he moved out in mid-October, before I knew what was really going on. He does not see the kids every day or even every other day. He is apparently content with seeing them for a weekend every other week, and a few short hours during the rest of the weeks. 

I think it's safe to say that he has completely given up. He does not want to be here with us. In fact, he's now turning somewhat hostile toward me. Maybe it's because I found out about the OW, which was not intentional on his part, and maybe because I've stopped all the contact unless necessary. He will run to the other person for comfort and it seems like he's started a new life already. At this point, he sees me as the enemy - the one that is standing in his way for true happiness. Who wants a partner thinking that? I will get out of the way.

The only thing to take comfort in at this point is that I have my children, they are healthy and relatively happy even though their dad, their hero, is no longer here. I don't understand this "affair fog" and I guess I never will. He has made his choice and I have to make my choice to just keep moving. I have been hurt so much and so many times over the last several months. The hurt is going to continue for years, I know that. But, I can't just stand by and allow him to break my heart at every turn. There has to be a chance to heal for me. He is extremely selfish. It's time for me to think about myself too. I will try my best not to be hostile or unreasonable and will learn to take the high road at all turns. If his "fog" ever breaks and he ever really understnds what he's lost, he runs the risk of me not being available and having already moved on. I can't wait for him.


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Blownaway, I agree 200% with your latest post. This is exactly how I feel. Today is xmas eve and for the past 10years, this has been such a looked forward even. My mother in law would cook today and on Xmas day my H would cook....this year it's the same except that my heart is not in there...how can it be?? This is going to be the ever hardest xmas time of my life. I am also getting in touch with a lawyer to know where I stand. If one day he ever finds out that he has been digging a hole and throwing himself right in there with his eyes open....he may decide to come back, but as you say, we might have moved on.....after such deep wounds and scars, am not sure we would be ready to start all over again, the trust is gone.....I am with you, hopefully we'll catch up again in the near future, supporting each other. Thank you very much. And in spite of everything, I wish you a good Christmas with your children. I will also cheer up for their sake....it's so hard.....Big hug to you.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Mata - we will get through it. I don't know how and I don't know when the hurting will stop, if ever, but we will get through it. We love the people they used to be and have to keep remembering that they are no longer the same. Something inside snapped to make them throw it all away. I believe that they are, in a sense, sick. THIS Christmas will be awful. Even though I am having company and my kids are so excited they could bust. It will be awful for me on the inside. But, keep in mind that NEXT Christmas will be better. We have to start new traditions and embark on this new life that was forced upon us. Same thing as if one spouse dies. Keep moving.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

They say divorce accompanied by betrayal is the second worst thing one can experience after the death of a loved one. But as you said we will survive. And you are right about something snapping in their heads. I like to think of it as something short circuited.


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Yesterday was the worst christmas I have ever had. I spent all day in my room. H was preparing dinner as each year but my heart was not in it. My in laws were at home and my kids....but I could not sit at the table and pretend everything is ok. I did an effort the day before when my mother in law prepared dinner and it felt terrible. I was miserable but preferred to lock myself in. H was on the phone with the OW in the middle of the night. I went downstairs for a glass of water and could not believe my ears...how could he?? For the first time since everything started, he slept on the couch...I locked the bedroom door...today they are all gone to the mountain house and will spend the next two weeks there. I am on my own and I think I feel better. I miss being with my children but I'll arrange to see them next week end when H will be going away...probably to spend time with the OW....What a life....I am still not sure how things will be in the future. I know that he is looking to move out....this may give me some temporary peace....but I still have not talked about how we will proceed regarding the kids.....my mind is still all blurred....and I still cannot believe all this is happenning.....If only I knew what the future will be made of......


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

I'm so sorry. You shouldn't have to feel trapped in your own home and H should not be allowed to ruin major holidays and time spent with your children. I completely understand the fear, the anxiety and the feeling of being swept away and not knowing what the future holds. I also understand the feeling of not wanting H to move out because when that happens, he is out on his own and it's really real. But, trust me when I tell you that you will find a small amount of peace when he leaves. You will no longer be walking on eggshells in your own house. You will no longer have to worry about where he is, what time he's coming home, who he's with, etc., etc., etc. That, in and of itself, is a horrible existence. All of our energy and time is focused on that. Once he's gone, you will be able to slowly try to refocus. As far as the kids go, you have to come up with some sort of agreement/arrangement before he moves. I know it's very difficult, but that is the one thing that can't be left to chance. Come up with something on your own, present it to him and see if he agrees. I don't know what the future holds either. I'm pretty sure I can see it, but there is that one small ounce of hope left that something will turn around. At this point though, I'm trying the "no contact" "180" thing that everyone talks about and I realize that it's not to try to get him back, but to try to make me a better me and prepare for whatever is going to come. Until that, just fake it 'til you make it.


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

Bownaway, thank you so much for your encouraging words. I must admit that since all these are happening I have been behaving nasty, hiding his personal stuffs like the iphone, bank statements that I would open and not give back, mainly with an intention to hurt him, this sounds so silly and stupid, I cannot believe I could have such feelings of hatred.....yes I have this small hope that one day he will realise what he has done...he might come back but as we said, we would have moved on. Right now I am also keeping the 100% no contact rule, although we are (up to now) under the same roof....however I know at some poit I need to talk to him as we need to sort out about the kids when he moves out and also about vacation with them next year. When one is away the other one has to be here for the kids and of course he is the one who will ''always'' be away either for work or to be with the OW...I am sure that once he has moved out I will be able to see a bit clearer and feel more at ease at home as you mention. Slowly I am trying to open up to some other people like the mum of my son's classmate. We shall meet to talk a bit, she is also seperated from her husband with two kids...I also try to go out for drinks with my colleagues when I can, compared to before when all I would do is just run home after work to go and pick up the small one from the nanny and start preparing dinner etc etc....since it's school holidays, my in laws are here to take care of the two, so i try to make the most of the time for myself....sometimes, it's easy, but at times I find myself going in circles trying again to understand why all these are happening, how can he behave like this, without any consideration whatsover, for me, for the kids for his parents...my in laws are backing me fully and cannot even reason him.....my mother in law is as hurt as I am....really ...it's a f**** mess.....as much as I love him, I also want him break his nose ahead with this OW.....I have been tempted to write to her....but I have been able to retain myself......it's such a wave of feelings......I never thought things would be like this....


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## MataHari (Nov 4, 2010)

I've been on my own since a couple of days now....makes a difference...at least I have some peace of mind. I have been sleeping better compared to the past two months. Yesterday I managed to eat two meals....has not happened since ages....I am trying to concentrate of my work, there is a lot to do, but needs a lot of effort. Have been reading the affaircare.com site, this helps although right now it does not seem H will do another 180 deg turn. I don't think the OW has kids and all, so basically they are like free birds to settle where they want. The only link will be our kids...remain to be seen how practical things will be once the holidays are over, school starts, work is back to normal etc etc...I will see my kids over the week end (they are at the holiday home with H and grand parents). Learnt that H will be away during the week end so I can safely go and be with my kids. I tried to briefly expalin to my son on Sunday about the situation without going too much into details, I leave this for H to do- my son said to his grandma that he is worried he will come back home and find a note that mummy has left....I had to reassure him that I will never do that. We both cried, I could not retain myself. It breaks my heart, he is not even 10y old. Reading the affaircare.com site, things look so easy, writing the letters etc....but right now these feelings are not there....I have always loved my H from the day we met, but since the past two weeks, things have gone to hatred. I cannot bare to think of him with OW, him buying Xmas gifts for OW, downloading pics of OW on the home computer, him talking to OW while being in our house...all these are killing me and I am in no position to talk about all these to him without going out of my mind. Found out that he has taken all the official docs file with him, kids' ppt...don't know what he is thinking....all this hurts when I tell myself that absolutely nothing happenned between us two months ago that showed things would come to this.....we were still a normal couple, parents two months ago. I have to work hard on not thinking in this direction as it is not doing any good. I have to try and go out but I do not have friends, mainly colleagues....on the 31st I'll be on my own....I am still trying to figure out how to spend the evening .....it's great to be on this site, at least I get to communicate to others and share our thoughts. Thank you everyone and try to enjoy the season in spite of the heavy heart we are carrying.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Mata - don't beat yourself up. Your feelings are all normal and this is so very new to you. I told you that it would get just a smidge better when he actually left because there is peace at night. There also is horrible sadness, but that's what this site is for. ... to visit when the kids go to bed and you need to get your emotions under control. I know the feeling about having to talk to your kids about all of this. My 7 year old is starting to realize that dad is probably not going to come live back at our house. I told him that I wish daddy was here too, but that we will be okay no matter what and that he will always have his two parents. My H's OW does have two kids so that's something that will likely wreck their little fantasy land - when he starts having his kids overnight and she has to be with hers. I made it very clear to him that she is not to be around our children so, as time goes on, that may piss her off quite a bit. Or, she may want to push my kids to the side and move my H over as her kids' new daddy - he won't go for that. I don't know much, but I know that's a fact. At this point, my counselor says to just sit back and watch the show. That fantasies never work. That I need to start moving on and getting used to this new life, but that his life will never be good, no matter what kind of face or package he wants to put on it. She said that once the A is exposed to the spouse, it takes an average of 8 to 10 months to fall to pieces and for reality to really set in. Anyway, I know this is just a ramble, but I know how you feel and I hope that you just keep moving forward, even if it's just by a tiny bit each day. Our worlds have been rocked and our souls have been changed forever - stuff like that just doesn't go away and it doesn't go back to "normal" for a while. At this point, it would be good for you to try to become more friendly with your work colleagues. Pick one that you feel most comfortable with and go to lunch. You never know - one of these folks may turn into a really good friend. I am very lucky and grateful for my friends - I have three girlfriends in particular who are like family and my "gay husband" and his partner who never let me get too down. I don't know what I would have done without them - the kids are a good distraction, but they are only kids and they can't be expected to be a source of support. Please try to do that for yourself.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your husband is putting himself in a very funny situation.
His kids & her kids. Things will work out quite well when kids have kids to play with. They're actually step siblings. I mean kids are innocent. If you agree with your husband letting kids be kids without passing resentment to kids. So pls don't take it a show, it's not. I hope you won't teach your kids to dislike the OW's kids.
By doing so, the ow will be nice to your kids, too when they go to their house! By doing so, you will minimise the damage to your kids.
Your husband is not yours anymore. Stay as good friends so ppl will respect you and love your kids. You don't want your kids to suffer or being pushed.
This show is nothing good to watch.
You want to see your husband's relationship with the OW fail. Then your kids have to suffer.
Not a wise view in life.
Be a right person same, no matter how much you feel hurt.


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