# Need your opinion quick



## looking4answers (Oct 18, 2010)

Well some quick background. My wife of 3 years lost a ton of weight this year and she has a newfound confidence on how she looks. Anyway she confronted me and said that she's not happy with her life because she's laid off and she always wanted to be someone important. She also said that I don't satisfy her and that I don't last long enough for her (I last 20 - 30 min but she is a woman who can't orgasm easily). 

Yesterday I was messing around online and found out that there was a myspace page with in her name that said she was single and searching for someone. I confronted her and she swears it isn't her.

I don't know what to believe!

Opinions?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

looking4answers said:


> Well some quick background. My wife of 3 years lost a ton of weight this year and she has a newfound confidence on how she looks. Anyway she confronted me and said that she's not happy with her life because she's laid off and she always wanted to be someone important. She also said that I don't satisfy her and that I don't last long enough for her (I last 20 - 30 min but she is a woman who can't orgasm easily).
> 
> Yesterday I was messing around online and found out that there was a myspace page with in her name that said she was single and searching for someone. I confronted her and she swears it isn't her.
> 
> ...



You know what to believe. You just don't want to. She's setting up her escape route. I suggest you do the same.


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## SteppingStones (Dec 20, 2010)

Contrary to the post above -- I wouldn't suggest setting up your escape route. But I do agree that it seems she is.

Ask yourself this -- why do marriages fail? I think there are many reasons, but I think its mainly because we as a people are lazy and we want instant gratification. We are too lazy to worry about other people's needs -- TRULY worry about them before our own. We are too lazy to fix things and when we do "try" we don't try hard enough or long enough. What's long enough? If it's not fixed you haven't tried hard enough or long enough. Try until its better. 

My suggestion to you, and I know you are probably hurting and confused right now. Try some marriage counseling. I'm going to go out on a limb here - knowing there are major negative clouds surrounding the word Christian. But a Christian marriage counselor wouldn't be biased by the world view of insta-fix or insta-out. 

If you aren't comfortable with that, or if you can't get her to go, check out this book "The Love Dare". It is also written from a Christian perspective but its not just a "get yourself right with God" book. It offers some real challenges to inspect yourself and your marriage and offers ways to get back to what love and marriage is really all about. It's a 40 day journey, but it would be worth it to save your marriage, right?

Another great book is "the Five Love Languages" -- Perhaps you aren't "speaking" to her in a language she understands. You'd understand that better if you read the book, but basically it says we all have a primary love language, be it Quality Time, Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, or Good Words. Perhaps you are trying to tell her you love her through Physical Touch but she isn't getting it because what she needs is for you to give her Gifts or do chores around the house (acts of service). Typically we all try to tell our spouses we love them, but we do it in OUR love language, not THEIRS. Just a thought. 

Don't give up!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

looking4answers said:


> Well some quick background. My wife of 3 years lost a ton of weight this year and she has a newfound confidence on how she looks. Anyway she confronted me and said that she's not happy with her life because she's laid off and she always wanted to be someone important. She also said that I don't satisfy her and that I don't last long enough for her (I last 20 - 30 min but she is a woman who can't orgasm easily).
> 
> Yesterday I was messing around online and found out that there was a myspace page with in her name that said she was single and searching for someone. I confronted her and she swears it isn't her.
> 
> ...


What should you believe? 

Your wife isn't looking for reasons to get out - given what you posted she's already found them.

These are the actions and words of someone that has already checked out, if not cheated.

You won't want to believe that, and I can understand. But, if it hasn't already happened, it's going to ... soon.

Love Dare, Love Languages, and marriage counseling are all great suggestions for a marriage that is foundering and both partners want to address it - my guess is, this isn't your case.

Trying to be a wonderful partner doesn't add up to a hill of beans if your spouse is physically and emotionally invested in someone else.

What was the track record of your marriage prior to her losing the weight and the job?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Attention from men acts as a drug for some formerly obese women.

85% of married women who get gastric bypass end up divorced.


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## My1Grace (Dec 20, 2010)

If you love her, give her what she needs. Tell her how beautiful she is now and how proud you are of her, go with her to the gym, support her in her quest to find her path (going back to school, looking for a new job), clean up your own health/image issues (trim nails, pick up after yourself), write her a poem, ask her what her fantasies are, etc. It sounds as though she is attention-deprived and that may be why she is going on-line to find that atention


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

My1Grace said:


> If you love her, give her what she needs. Tell her how beautiful she is now and how proud you are of her, go with her to the gym, support her in her quest to find her path (going back to school, looking for a new job), clean up your own health/image issues (trim nails, pick up after yourself), write her a poem, ask her what her fantasies are, etc. It sounds as though she is attention-deprived and that may be why she is going on-line to find that atention


That only works in hollywood


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

All the advise, except for one is pretty sould. My $0.02 is you keep an eye on her and this time keep it on the down low. When you get some sold proof, I mean black and white, and can confront her with a copy, she will come to terms on her behavior. Then you can take it to the next leave.

Its to bad most disloyals have to be shown hard evidence before they can except their deceitful behavior. It's a shame they can't omit when you verbaly confront them. At least she told you she was unhappy, it could be worse... "I'm fine theres nothing to worry about Honey".

Good luck


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## looking4answers (Oct 18, 2010)

I already do most of these things. I cook (she doesn't), I clean (she doesn't), I do the yardwork (she doesn't), I go food shopping (she doesn't), I goto work (she doesn't). All my wife seems to find time to do is her schoolwork and talking on the phone or going out with her friends.

I tell her I love her all the time but it seems she has no interest in me. She also said to me that now she cares about her pleasure. I even bought her some things she was talking about like a vibrator. When I used it on her for the first time she said it was the best sex she ever had. I replied that we didn't have sex to which she said I know. Ever since that day I'm non-existent since I guess I can't vibrate like the vibrator.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

looking4answers said:


> I already do most of these things. I cook (she doesn't), I clean (she doesn't), I do the yardwork (she doesn't), I go food shopping (she doesn't), I goto work (she doesn't). All my wife seems to find time to do is her schoolwork and talking on the phone or going out with her friends.
> 
> I tell her I love her all the time but it seems she has no interest in me. She also said to me that now she cares about her pleasure. I even bought her some things she was talking about like a vibrator. When I used it on her for the first time she said it was the best sex she ever had. I replied that we didn't have sex to which she said I know. Ever since that day I'm non-existent since I guess I can't vibrate like the vibrator.



Ah! You'll be a glutten for punishment then.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I agree with the majority of the posters, you are turning a blind eye.

That is her myspace page and she is looking and lying about it - RED FLAG

She doesn't want to have sex with you and she only cares about her pleasure - RED FLAG

She does nothing around the house, ignores you and goes out with her friends all the time - RED FLAG

Quit being her doormat. She is wiping her feet all over you and you are taking it. Losing the weight has caused her self-esteem to skyrocket. 

Either you accept that or set down some ground rules. If she doesn't want to follow them, then I think you have her answer.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think you may have missed the point. I ment keep an eye on her activites when she goes out. See who she's calling,texting and emailing. Have her followed and get some hard evidence of her infidelity.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

looking4answers said:


> My wife of 3 years lost a ton of weight this year and she has a newfound confidence on how she looks.


She's been planning to dump you from the moment she seriously started working out.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

looking4answers said:


> Well some quick background. My wife of 3 years lost a ton of weight this year and she has a newfound confidence on how she looks.


How do you react to her new appearance and "confidence"?

How do you acknowledge it?

Do you act and behave just as the kind man that expects and deserves to have such a "weight-less" and confident woman at his side? 




> Anyway she confronted me and said that she's not happy with her life because she's laid off and she always wanted to be someone important.


Why would she "confront" you with her own lack of goal reaching? 

Does she blame you for holding her back?

How did you respond?

Also, most importantly, do you know what the concept of "fitness testing" is? 



> She also said that I don't satisfy her and that I don't last long enough for her (I last 20 - 30 min but she is a woman who can't orgasm easily).


Have you explored alternate sexual contact, such as oral, digit stimulation, using a vibrator or similar sexual aids?

Can your woman masturbate and orgasm in front of you?



> Yesterday I was messing around online and found out that there was a myspace page with in her name that said she was single and searching for someone. I confronted her and she swears it isn't her.
> 
> I don't know what to believe!
> 
> Opinions?


Sounds like she is already checked out on you and trolling for someone else.

The nexts steps for you, and any other man finding himself in this situation, to fight and FIGHT HARD!

In this case, do these things:

Work on your own physical appearance, hit the gym, dress well, carry yourself as the best and most attractive "you" that you can be.

Address and behave to your woman as if she is the luckiest woman in the world to have your attention. Make it clear that you regard yourself as able to have ANY woman in the world, and this woman is your wife. 

Do NOT kiss her butt, dote on her, fawn on her, follow her around, shower her with "I love you's" or flowers or the dreaded "I've changed" talk. No no no. Don't do these things, they are sexual attraction and emotional connection KILLERS!

IF you find out she is having an affair, and there is indeed an affair man in the picture, this affair man MUST be removed from the picture BEFORE there can be any repairs to the marriage. A woman, she will be emotionally connected to ONE man at a time. If this man is not you but some affair man, then even if you doing everything perfect you are only spinning wheels until the affair man is out of the picture. Stop any affairs COLD first!

Finally, from your own leadership, not asking permission or a lot of nonsense chit-chat about it with your wife, set up marriage counceling for yourself and your wife. Tell her when and where is the appointment, and go.

If she refuses, go anyway.

Again, do this yourself, find your marriage councelor, set up the appointment, tell your woman where and when, and go.

All these things, together, paints the picture in action and behavior that you are the good man FIGHTING for your woman, and she will see that she is worth fighting for, and she is being fought for by a formidable man who is attractive and moves from his own leadership. 

These things taken together are your BEST SHOT in the world to put your marriage back on the even keel.

I wish you well.


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## looking4answers (Oct 18, 2010)

Lots of great advice and lots to think about. Not sure if anything I do will help this situation. 

Some more information is that when I married my wife she was a virgin and mentioned that she's never had sex with anyone else so she doesn't know what anyone else is like. Not to mention that her parents DO NOT like me married to her and try anything to convince her of things. I've been working overtime to help pay off a credit card bill and her mom asked her if she was sure that I was really at work...

I guess i'll just see how it all plays out! I'm done being a doormat.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its very good you are done being a doormat. Also, reread BigBad Wolf's post, it makes alot of sense, and it worked for me.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Let her go, bud. Seems she already made up her mind that she can do better than you.


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## looking4answers (Oct 18, 2010)

Well I had a heart to heart talk last night and we talked about our sex life and things of that nature. She never admitted to cheating but then I went to bed because I had to get up early for work and I came downstairs to get a drink and I heard her on the phone with her cousin telling her all the things I had just told her. She totally humiliated me to her cousin. Worst part was I confronted her and she said she didn't say anything. Called her cousin and she also said that my wife didn't tell her anything. Even though I said I heard every word.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Let her go, bud. Seems she already made up her mind that she can do better than you.


In case you missed it the first time.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

10-to-1, her cousin is helping her find a more suitable man.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

looking4answers said:


> Well I had a heart to heart talk last night and we talked about our sex life and things of that nature. She never admitted to cheating but then I went to bed because I had to get up early for work and I came downstairs to get a drink and I heard her on the phone with her cousin telling her all the things I had just told her. She totally humiliated me to her cousin. Worst part was I confronted her and she said she didn't say anything. Called her cousin and she also said that my wife didn't tell her anything. Even though I said I heard every word.


Did you wait to confront her? Doesn't really matter. You need to determine if you are willing to be in a relationship with someone who couldn't care less about you and is will to lie to you with a straight face. You deserve better but you gotta make it happen


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