# Men- why do you do this?



## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

I have been reading here for several weeks... 
I notice a common theme among men (sorry guys!) and I would really like input.
It seems that many men (and to be fair some women too) are suddenly so remorseful and willing to "do anything" when their spouse actually moves on. 
It seems like even when the wife has said, "I need X" that the husband will procrastinate or give a half attempt and then slip back to his old ways. 
Suddenly the wife has enough and the man says, "OMG. I'm devasted, I can't live without you."

:scratchhead:


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## Bequia2010 (Jan 1, 2010)

AMEN. If anybody has an answer to this one, I'm all ears.


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

Let's go back to when we pulled women into the cave by there hair to have sex. Men (including me) want things the way they want them and, are stubborn. We take for granted out wife's and girlfriends. We love to be adored and when that admiration threatens to leave us standing with just our hands. We turn into crying babies.


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## Sun (Nov 23, 2009)

Well there are a couple of saying that fit here.....
1. The grass is always greener on the other side (so one thinks)
2. You don't know what you got, till it's gone.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

(Generalities here) Great question! When it comes to conflict men can very much have a fight or flight attitude. This threads through all paths of our lives. When it comes to conflict within a relationship we tend to avoid the conflict, hence flight. Sometimes that leads to a temporary change in behavior. When things cool again we slip back into old habits again as the conflict appears to be over when in reality the root problem was never addressed. The spouse is left frustrated and resentful. At some point the communication of the stress factor ends (I give up) and we continue down our merry path thinking things are OK until the relationship nearly collapses. When this happens it is referred to as therapy with a 2x7. "Duh, I just didn't see it coming." This was very much the scenario with our marriage and until I received that whack I really didn't think things in the marriage were that bad or I was in denial about it. Hope this helps


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

Sun said:


> Well there are a couple of saying that fit here.....
> 1. The grass is always greener on the other side (so one thinks)
> 2. You don't know what you got, till it's gone.


Yep, suddenly that cute little bimbo has lost all her charm, and the wife starts looking a lot better.
Amen, I couldn't have said it better myself.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

> When things cool again we slip back into old habits again as the conflict appears to be over when in reality the root problem was never addressed. The spouse is left frustrated and resentful. At some point the communication of the stress factor ends (I give up) and we continue down our merry path thinking things are OK until the relationship nearly collapses.


I guess THIS is what I JUST DON'T GET!!! 
I am VERY stubborn too... but not to the point that I am going to sabotage my relationship.
I can understand when a woman doesn't communicate with her spouse about what is wrong/bothering her, but when that's been put out there.... 
It's a BIG slap in the face to women when a man slips right back into their "old ways." It screams to us: "What you want isn't important to me - hence YOU are not important to me."

Anyone agree? Disagree? I'm trying to see this objectively!!


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

TempTime,

It isn't meant to be seen as "What you want isn't important to me -- hence You are not important to me". That is how you percieve the result of slide backs -- not the men.

I will tell you my wife tried to reach me -- but her statements didn't really get to the core issues. After she hit me with a 2x4 i dug within myself and realized the core issues. The real issues. Until I did that I would always seem to slip back into "old Habits" because I wasn't fixing the cause just the effects. At least that is my experience.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

FeelingAlone-
Good comments. Thanks for the honesty... 
2 things jump out at me... 



> That is how you percieve the result of slide backs -- not the men.


So HOW do the men perceive the "slide backs"
And...


> I will tell you my wife tried to reach me -- but her statements didn't really get to the core issues.


Do you think this is because your wife didn't express the "Core issues" clearly? For women who are at this place is there some way to get our men to "get it" other than the 2x4 method?!?!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

TempTime said:


> I am VERY stubborn too... but not to the point that I am going to sabotage my relationship.


I don't think it as to do with stubbornness as much as selfishness. If things seem to be going OK and he is still receiving what he perceives as his needs in the relationship, he will have little motivation to to improve the mechanics of the marriage. He's OK with the status quo.



TempTime said:


> It screams to us: "What you want isn't important to me - hence YOU are not important to me." :


I agree, it should "scream" it to us also, but it doesn't always. Until a spouse can develop or redevelop a true sense of empathy for their mate the pressure point will always exist. Until I got that 2x4 across the back of the head (Discovery of my wife's EA) I had not been looking at the relationship from her standpoint, only mine. Not that she didn't make mistakes also. But looking back I could see where she had tried to warn me of the problems and I didn't try hard enough to address them.

Hindsight is alway 20/20 but we could have avoided all the pain, anxiety and tears if we had been able to address the issues early on. The best advice I can give on the subject is when there is conflict do the best you can to see the issue from your spouse's point of view. Empathy is a great marital aid.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that a HUGE problem in marriages is eventually you start taking your spouse for granted. Men generally stop trying to "woo" their partner, because they figure they already have them. Women tend to do the same. They dont take the time to appreciate everything that their husbands do. Its like once you're married, you just figure that youre in it the chase and catch goes out the window, and you stop really Listening and making changes that would better your marriage.

I think this is true for both men and women. To really have a successful marriage, I think empathy is something both spouses need to hold onto for dear life....

Just my thoughts.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A great idea for that is to set aside one hour a week, like on Sunday night, where you tell each other how you feel the marriage is going. You have to agree to be fair, nonjudgmental, and not in it to hurt the other person. Just how YOU feel about something. The other person takes that information, goes away and digests it, and acts on it or not. But you keep the communication open, for the _good_ of the marriage. And the rest of the week, you don't get mean, cos you know you have that hour coming up to discuss an issue.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The behavior you outline cuts both ways. What you are describing as male character flaw is exactly how my wife strained our marriage to the breaking point. And a few people here have summed up how it occurs.
- Take for granted that the relationship is 'ok'
- The partner doing the offending flat out doesn't believe what they are doing is offensive. It's _your_ problem as they see it.
- They don't believe that you will follow through on whatever threat you make.
- They hope it will just go away. Translation - you will stop or give up your complaints or concerns.
- Doing nothing and avoiding is the path of least resistance, and it's generally human nature to simply do what is easiest. (Until it blows up in your face)

At it's core, marriage is about establishing an intimate bond based upon our ability to communicate with, and relate to, our partners. These crucial elements are also usually amongst the first things sacrificed as a marriage becomes complacent. Both partners simply assume that their bond and relationship is on auto-pilot ... right up until they are about to nosedive into the ground.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

TempTime said:


> I have been reading here for several weeks...
> I notice a common theme among men (sorry guys!) and I would really like input.
> It seems that many men (and to be fair some women too) are suddenly so remorseful and willing to "do anything" when their spouse actually moves on.
> It seems like even when the wife has said, "I need X" that the husband will procrastinate or give a half attempt and then slip back to his old ways.
> ...



i think it is easy to use hingsight in any situation. sometimes "X" as you state above is never well communicated as a need, it is looked back on as a deficiency. i think the heart of most failed relationships is lack of clear communication. giving half hearted attempts then slipping back into old ways is not a trait exclusive to husbands, i can assure you of that.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Deejo;124427
At it's core said:


> WOW! Excellent comment. :iagree:


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> it is looked back on as a deficiency.


Okeydokie-
I TOTALLY agree that my question is NOT gender specific... I am sure there are plenty of wives who s**k at communication too. 
Can you elaborate on what you mean by the statement above? Do you mean the husband (in this case) takes the "need" presented as a deficiency in the husband and thereby goes on the defense?


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

TempTime said:


> It seems that many men (and to be fair some women too) are suddenly so remorseful and willing to "do anything" when their spouse actually moves on.


Because you don't know what you've got until it's gone.


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## Sun (Nov 23, 2009)

One thing I can add from the point of view of the person who did the cheating on there spouse is, I spent years trying to get him to spend time with me and every year he spent more and more time ignorng me and doing what he liked to do (ie: sports on tv, spending time on his computer, drinking tons of beer) whenever I would try to talk to hem about things he would act like it was no big deal or get angry that I brought it up and we would spend days not talking and I got to the point where I was afraid to talk to him for fear of upsetting him and the order of the house. I tried to join him in his activities and it was doing that that lead to my affair. I knew it was wrong but I liked that attention and part of me thought he deserved it for ignoring me all those years. But when reality set in, I was truly remorseful and had so many regrets and wished I would have never crossed a line I did not think myself possible of crossing. He has moved on and "yes" I feel I would have done anything to save it and not just because he has moved on but because hind site is 20/20 and as I stated you do not know what you had till it is gone. Also when you are unhappy you are self absorbed and only focus on yourself and the negative and now it is gone I remember all the good in him and the good times we spend together.


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## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

I can't speak for other men, but I can relate to this issue and I can honestly say that I have always been completely unaware of what was happening. My wife and I have had issues with my un-acceptance of her opinions. I grew up in a very controlled enviroment and have grown into a person with control issues as a result. I have never been mean or disrespectful to her in any way, however, I unconsciously de-value her opinions as a result of my control issues. She has pointed it out only on rare (as in 3 times in the 8 years that we have been married) occasions and when it was brought to my attention I immediately made changes to my attitude and actions.
Over time I would slowly slip back into my old ways, once again not out of disrespect but out of habit, and it would be months and months (sometimes even years) before it would come up again.
It was just as much her fault as mine for not sticking up for herself more often. She rolled over and accepted it and without a little reminder every now and again, I just slipped back. People have disagreements all the time and I can take someone reminding me that I have an issue without getting upset or angry about it. Of course there are many other issues (which I wont go into here) that have put our marriage on the edge, but I am willing to do whatever is necessary to keep my wife and my family together. But like anyone else in this world, I might need a little help every now and then.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

> I can take someone reminding me that I have an issue without getting upset or angry about it.


 Unfortunately, many men cannot. They equate their wives with their mother, who was the person who nagged them all through childhood to do what had to be done. And that nagging equates to guilt. So, as soon as a wife says she's unhappy, his toxic shame flares up, he throws up his wall, and he gets that dead stare in his eyes that protects him from admitting he is at fault. And thus the circle begins again.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Evets said:


> My wife and I have had issues with my un-acceptance of her opinions.





Evets said:


> have grown into a person with control issues as a result. .





Evets said:


> I can take someone reminding me that I have an issue without getting upset or angry about it.


Evets-
In my mind, these statements contradict one another...
You have already said you "de-value her opinions" and that IS DISRESPECTFUL.
I would say that the reason your wife doesn't share what she's feeling or "remind you" is because you can't really accept that... or you aren't "in control" of her feelings.

Not trying to antagonize here... just pointing out what I see.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

TempTime said:


> Okeydokie-
> I TOTALLY agree that my question is NOT gender specific... I am sure there are plenty of wives who s**k at communication too.
> Can you elaborate on what you mean by the statement above? Do you mean the husband (in this case) takes the "need" presented as a deficiency in the husband and thereby goes on the defense?


that the person with the "need" never really communicates it well and just expects the other person to understand it and gets frustrated when they don't. when the relationship gets in trouble because those needs weren;t met, the hurt person looks upon the clueless person as deficient in the relationship, when in fact their lack of communicating the need was as much at fault.


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## Evets (Jan 21, 2010)

Temptime,

You may be right. I will admit that there are facets of my personality that I dont understand and therefore cannot control. My wife and I will be seeking counseling and I hope that the counselor will help me with the issues that I am unaware of. I wasnt defending my actions I was only explaining them, which was what the OP asked for.
I'm the last person who will ever claim to be perfect, and I know that I need alot of work, but the fact that I am willing to change and that I am capable of admitting that I need help to do it should count for something. It may indeed turn out to be too little too late, but I cant let it go without a fight.
Hope that makes some sense.


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## TempTime (Jan 31, 2010)

Evets-
Your reply seems very heartfelt and honest. 
I think there's a good chance for you... and I think it's honorable that YOU are taking the initiative to fix things. 
Wishing you the very best!


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