# Setting a deadline



## Goldeneye (Dec 20, 2016)

Greetings all - I'm a new member and have been married for 13 years with an 8-year old son. 
For many common reasons that have piled up over the years my wife and I have become estranged and emotionally dis-connected.
We have recognized this and are in counseling; have been for ~6 weeks now.
Seeing now what a half life we've been living for many years, I am not willing to carry on like this indefinitely and in an open-ended process of counseling that could go on for years. 
So I have suggested a 3-month deadline after which we either fully re-commit to our life together with open hearts, or we separate.
Does anyone else have experience with this and is it helpful to focus things this way?
Thanks in advance for your advice!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I don't have experience with that but I wish I had set a deadline lie that with my dentist.
What I am really saying here is, "is it the spouse that is dragging feet or is it the counselor who has the most to gain by an open ended arrangement. Honestly, when trying to resolve issues with employees, we would have a scheduled review and sit down and discuss how we feel progress on the problem is going. I think that kind of regular review would be more helpful and less intimidating than a Deadline ultimatum.
The problem with the Ultimatum is that you either have to enforce it, or never be believed again.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think it was in the book Getting The Love You Want (great book, btw) that the author said he told couples that he wouldn't take them on as clients unless they made a vow to stick it out for at least 10 counseling sessions. He said it takes that long to get past the typical he said/she said BS and zingers, work past the resentments, and finally get to the meat of the real issues and then come out the other end with a solution that works.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Time depends on baggage each brings and how much baggage one places on the other. If you two are both dysfunctional, you compound that together. What actions has lead you there needs to be worked on. Assumptions about relationships and what the other one wants and needs has to be taken into consideration. At the end, you may still divorced depending on what you both discover about yourselves.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yes set a deadline but make it one you can enforce. Rather than "fix everything immediately or quit" perhaps make a substantial commitment, be honest, make progress and defer a decision for three months.

At that point, perhaps you will have found things you need to work on and need to give that a fair chance. Or your W will be making progress. Or you both decide you hate each other. Who knows? Why not commit to reassess?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

So if it takes 10 (and I don't think 10 is unreasonable) how often do you meet? Because if you are only meeting once a month, 10 months is a long time to make a diagnosis. So @Goldeneye , how many sessions have you had in 6 weeks? and are you feeling any progress?


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## Goldeneye (Dec 20, 2016)

Hey well we've had about half that - 5 or 6, and I think we can say that we are both committed to the process; I don't think that there has really been significant change though largely because we've not really had quality time together without the kids around. Also, she now says that she doesn't want to be sexually intimate until she feels more positive emotional connection with me. So in that respect we're going backwards.. I'm just fed up of being sad & lonely in our marriage; all the counselling seems to do is dredge up negative things from the past, and that's the image of me that's predominating in my wife's thinking, therefore she's not wanting to be close with me right now. I just hear the clock ticking, and after many years of half-life I'm not willing to continue any longer..


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey Goldeneye,

I think that having a deadline in mind is a good idea, as one cannot wait around forever for things to change.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Goldeneye then tell your W and counselor EXACTLY what you told us. It might change their thinking or course of the sessions if they want to make it work. DO NOT assume they can read your mind on this and then just leave.

If your W does not feel intimate toward you she shouldn't have sex with you. If no sex makes you feel distant and makes you continue to fall out of love - tell them this.

It's important for you to be direct and advocate for yourself.

We don't know what went on in your marriage or what goes on in these sessions. But we DO know that most marriages have "communication issues". Meaning: what you are thinking isn't being heard.

So if you can be assured that you are being completely heard, then ask why are your counseling needs being ignored?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

You're already in joint counseling, so it would appear that both of you are invested in trying to improve things, as compared to a couple where one party is pushing therapy but the other isn't interested.

So what's to be gained by saying "In 90 days we must commit to our future or else we divorce"? Too much pressure.

As long as you're in therapy and working towards improving things, that's what matters, not some arbitrary date in the near future.

If either one of you drops out of therapy, or after some period of time it's just not going anywhere, then it might be time to consider pulling the plug, but again, without some sort of deadline, just do it when you think you've exhausted all the options.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

The problem is that sometimes men want to erase things and start from a clean state. Women, I don't want to say dwell on the past but it's hard for us to get over it especially if we feel like the issues haven't truly been resolved. 
You want to start fresh so to speak, or you want her to just kinda get over the past and work on building the future, whereas she feels like she needs to resolve the issues of the past before feeling safe and vulnerable in the marriage. 

This is really difficult because I think past issues need to be fully resolved. But I don't think you need to be punished for life for whatever the issues are. She needs to open up more and put effort into being close with you, just like you need to work on dealing with the past.

Setting a deadline might be offensive to your wife. I think you need to word it very carefully. Maybe asking her what she thinks about a deadline as opposed to telling her there is a deadline.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK so weekly sessions that is more hopeful. I suspect that there is some "Code" in your posts and I have to say that it will not work if you are using this kind of "Code" with your wife or your counselor. So if you say "we need to be fully committed with open hearts" But you mean "we need to have regular sex, and no obstructions or excuses". They are not going to get the message. They will be guessing. And if she says "I need more positive emotional connection" but she means "I need more help with the housework", then you will just be guessing and she will not be getting what she needs and you will as you say go backwards. 
You need to ask specific questions, and give Specific Answers. You need to say things like do you think this will give you more positive emotional connection? What can I Do to help you feel more emotionally connected in a positive way? I need you to kiss and touch me every day so I can feel emotionally connected. When this comes up in counseling when she is asking for something and you don't know how to give it to her, Say I don't understand, can you help me. 
This is hard work and heavy lifting. I can say that When my Wife starts with something that turns me off or shuts me down, I am no longer shy to tell her right away how I feel about it. I have nothing left to lose, and neither do you. you are 3 months from pulling the plug. It's time to show all your cards.
I want to rephrase what @TheTruthHurts said if she feels no emotional connection to you and does not desire sex with you that is her right, With that she and you need to realize that if you get no sex you will continue to emotionally withdraw and she has NO RIGHT to expect otherwise. So go out and do all you can to fill her love account. And if she doesn't come around and believe what you will TELL her your needs are then you issue ultimatums and you carry them out. 
Get the keys here? you need to understand and respond to her needs, That is your job. You need to clearly and specifically express your needs, That is your Job. If you are doing those 2 things and she is still stonewalling you (or not doing those two things, that are Her Job), Then there is no hope and ultimatums are in order.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I wouldn't be willing to go through the process in a sexless state. I understand the deadline idea and I'd go along with that as long as progress was pretty constant. But her stance on sex tells me she's not all in and these three months are a waste of time and money.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Goldeneye said:


> Hey well we've had about half that - 5 or 6, and I think we can say that we are both committed to the process; I don't think that there has really been significant change though largely because we've not really had quality time together without the kids around. Also, she now says that she doesn't want to be sexually intimate until she feels more positive emotional connection with me. So in that respect we're going backwards.. I'm just fed up of being sad & lonely in our marriage; *all the counselling seems to do is dredge up negative things from the past*, and that's the image of me that's predominating in my wife's thinking, therefore she's not wanting to be close with me right now. I just hear the clock ticking, and after many years of half-life I'm not willing to continue any longer..


Like what...?


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