# Divorced, When To Tell...Do You Tell?



## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

While having a beer with some friends (some divorced, some not), the topic came up of telling kids the "real" reason for a divorce. So here it is.... Spouce "A" lies, cheats, steals, is about a rotten as you can imagine and ends up divorced. Lets say the kids are young so it seems obvious not to get into any detail with them. At some point, say mid to late teens, if they want to know what really happened that broke up their family do you tell them? Do you wait till their eighteen? Do you do the " we just couldn't get a long" and keep the ugly truth a secret? They were effected tremendously, it was their family too....do they deserve to know if they want to?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I believe in telling the truth if they ask because I would rather it come from me than some loud mouth relative.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree, tell the truth. I didn't provide all the humiliating details of why my ex left, but they know the basics. He had lied about a good many things and it was the very least I could do. I tell the truth. My youngest was 11 at the time.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Thanks for the reponses. So to play with this abit... If there is joint custody, don't you run the risk of undermining the (piece of crap) parent and thus making the child rearing more difficult for them? In fact, possibling doing harm by spreading the poison.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm going to say the opposite and say you don't tell them. 

Your marriage issues and what happened should stay between the 2 of you(ex and yourself), as telling the kids would not benefit them in any way. They have already been through a lot with the divorce and I don't see a reason to put them through more. If they keep bugging to know what happened, I'd say "we had some differences we couldn't work through" or something simple to that extent. For those friends of mine who found out the ugly truth of their parent's divorce, it only caused more pain, anger, and resentment. I think that information should stay private.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I agree that divorce is hard on kids, but lying is worse, IMO. My ex can have what ever type of parental relationship he chooses. I don't speak ill of him. But children (age appropriate and all), need to know when someone treats you badly, you do not accept that behavior. I made it clear his unacceptable behavior was addressed to me, and me alone. Honestly, he was verbally abusive to everyone by the time he left, so he has lots of bridges he needs to rebuild that have nothing to do with his infidelity. I will not make excuses or lie to cover up his conduct. My kids needed to know that one adult in their life will give them truth, and love, and acceptance. I have never run to them with every detail, but all questions they pose are answered.

Practically speaking my ex has no relationship with one child, and a passing relationship with the other. He has made no effort.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I will never tell my children the specifics of the divorce. It is not something I feel the children should know. They love me and they love their dad. Giving them damning information will shift their feelings. I love them too much to do that to them.

I simply told them that their dad and I have issues too far apart to come to an agreement about and it's best we aren't married because of it. 

The End.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

No. It's none of their business. Ultimately, the kids need to have a good relationship with each parent and details of a divorce could lead to marring that. I would just leave well enough alone. What's between you is between you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think the problem here with divulging "the truth" is that whoever breaks the accepted code of silence is going to likely put themselves in the best light. The partner will seem like the devil. When this gets back it will simply start a he-said/she-said about what happened and put the kids into the middle of being agents of continuing the fight. 

If things are otherwise amenable starting that up seems ill-advised. Particular if there is shared custody.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm not a big fan of sharing details, as kids don't have a grasp of adult issues. It might make a betrayed spouse feel better but not only will it be damaging but once you open that box the kids should get both sides. My ex is convinced I was cheating on him, which wasn't true, but I did start dating quickly as I'd been detached for a long time. If he wants honesty then maybe I should tell his kids that he's a nasty, self centered, abusive pr!ck that thinks women are beneath him. What purpose would that serve? The kids love him and they should. He's not perfect but he loves them and what kind of parent you are is separate from what kind of partner you are. 

There seems to be a hive mentality here that when cheating happens nothing else matters, but if you're going drag your kids into this under the guise of truth be prepared for the other parent to let loose with their truth, which is probably what a pos up are. And maybe you are, or maybe you didn't behave that great either. Betrayeds are fond of what they call rewriting but the truth is that each spouse sees things differently. Vows include love and cherish in addition to forsake all others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Thanks for sharing everyone. For those in the "don't tell" camp, lets say the child/children are of legal age and come to you saying "so what really happened?" I'm thinking it wasn't just the marriage that was torn apart but the family, and it was their family too. They were, perhaps, the biggest victim in the whole thing. If a spouse cheated, they didn't just cheat on their partner they cheated on the whole family. (replace cheated with any deal breaking behaviors) Could it be that you provide just the facts and let the adult children decide how they want to handle things from there?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

No..

It is still their parent.

Now, if the cheating spouse wants to tell the kids, that's one thing. But you keep your big trap shut. Marriage is between two people, not between parent and child. It is my duty to protect them.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

My kids are adults and I won't tell them the truth. If they asked me point-blank, I would direct them to their dad and make him either fess up or look his children in the eye and lie. 

My theory is that it is going to come out eventually, but I don't want to be the one responsible when it does. It will hurt my ex when that happens, but it will hurt our kids, too. 

At the same time, when I am with my friends, I don't protect him. It's a fine line, because talking about the reality is therapeutic for me. My kids deserve to be protected, but he does not.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Even "the truth" is somewhat subjective, and things are seldom black and white.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Shoto1984 said:


> Thanks for sharing everyone. For those in the "don't tell" camp, lets say the child/children are of legal age and come to you saying "so what really happened?" I'm thinking it wasn't just the marriage that was torn apart but the family, and it was their family too. They were, perhaps, the biggest victim in the whole thing. If a spouse cheated, they didn't just cheat on their partner they cheated on the whole family. (replace cheated with any deal breaking behaviors) Could it be that you provide just the facts and let the adult children decide how they want to handle things from there?


Yes, the family was torn apart, but your job as a parent is to help protect your children. The 'facts' as you see them can be different from what your ex sees as 'facts'. It would be best to not open that can of worms. 

My aunt and ex uncle were horrible together, but that doesn't make my ex-uncle a bad father. He is great to his 2 kids, but cheated on my aunt and was just a general a-hole. She won't tell her kids what happened and won't in the future because it only causes more grief. As I said before, so the friends from divorced families who did find out the 'truth', all it did was cause more anger, pain, resentment, etc.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

Shoto1984 said:


> Thanks for sharing everyone. For those in the "don't tell" camp, lets say the child/children are of legal age and come to you saying "so what really happened?" I'm thinking it wasn't just the marriage that was torn apart but the family, and it was their family too. They were, perhaps, the biggest victim in the whole thing. If a spouse cheated, they didn't just cheat on their partner they cheated on the whole family. (replace cheated with any deal breaking behaviors) Could it be that you provide just the facts and let the adult children decide how they want to handle things from there?


No. They still don't need to know. Victim is a strong word. Sometimes children are victims to a really disfunctional marriage. The divorce may be better for them. My parents are divorced and I don't know the full details of their divorce. I was an adult when they divorced and they did do some mudslinging but I don't know for sure what is true. Unfortunately, they drug my youngest brother into it and he has had a rocky relationship with my mom because my dad convinced him that she was an awful mother. My brother was a child when they divorced, he is now an adult. She disputes what dad says and still my brother and she have had a rocky relationship. So even adult children can be stuck in the middle of divorce drama. Neither of my parents are perfect but some of what happened may be their own hurt and drama. 

I have a child now and I want him to have a good relationship with both of my parents. And I have my own relationship with my parents. And frankly, kids know. I was in my early 20's when they divorced and after years of living with them, it made complete sense. No cheating that I know of. I can't imagine either of my parents doing that. But if they did they didn't tell me. And frankly, I don't want to know that my parents know what sex is anyway.  Let's just say the stork brought me. 

If a divorce did have something to do with cheating that could just cause problems between an adult child and a parent. The adult child may feel the need to defend a parent and it is not beneficial. I think that you're always a parent. If a divorce happens and a person wants to talk about the details of it he or she can talk with friends or talk with a therapist or pastor. There are many options. For me, talking about the details of a divorce with my child, no matter what age, would be off limits.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

In the previously mentioned conversation over beers, one friends daughters (both mid late teens) came to him and said "Ok, we want to know what really happened between you and mom". He said, okay and proceeded to give them the whole story. According to him it was "lights going on" for them as suddenly all the stuff that never made any sense now did. How was is that dad lived in a one bedroom dump while mom got to keep the nice house? How was it that dad was able to see us so little? How did mom immediately have a live in boyfriend right after dad "left"? If you too just didn't get along any more why do you loath mom so much you don't even want to be in the same room with her? It sounded like knowing the events filled in blanks that his kids would have always been trying to figure out. Closure?

Two other, divorced with kids, friends seemed caught off guard by the idea that their kids (much younger) might someday ask the same questions as teens or adults. They seemed unsettled with the prospect of having to "open that box" and rehash such difficult events. They seemed to not want to look back. They also seemed to have not considered the idea that the kids might have a right to know as our first friend believes. 

I only share this as it elaborates further on the original post.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

IMO this depends on the kid and how mature they are. This is not defined by age.

In general, if my kids mom was a cheat, thief amongst other things....I would want them to know this right away. 

Think of it as protection from that person FOR them. They need to know/recognize their mother for who she is and protect themselves FROM her going forward.

My youngest son is 8 right now and I would not hesitate to have this discussion with him.....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My now-ex-husband and I sat our son (13 at the time) down _together_ and told him we were divorcing, and - in broad strokes - why. Our son knows that his father was unfaithful and that I loved his father, but that his dad kept making decisions that I couldn't support or live with. After that, I've answered any direct questions he's posed to me in an age appropriate manner without adding details or personal commentary.


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