# Am I too sensitive???



## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Before his EA I used to hear from him off and on throughout the day(text). That of course dropped off during EA. But it hasnt gone back to 'normal'. I know he's working and dont expect to hear from him hourly or even every couple of hours but today for example his lunch came and went, Nothing. Not a word. Now he knows how miserable I am while he is at his job(she works in the next office). It just seems like he could bridge the gap a bit. If I knew he was upset about my being w/someone (and I had no option) the least I would do is keep in touch. Just some attempt on his part to quell my demons while he is in the lions den seems prudent, to me. 

Anyone?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Make it condition of R that he regularly checks in with you on his whereabouts

this is part of transparency and if he is truly remorseful, he would gladly do it


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So you took the chance and told him that it literally HURTS you that he has to work with his EA partner? Let him know you need more communication during the work day. He should be more than willing to do these things to help you heal. 

Any luck on his job searching?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> Make it condition of R that he regularly checks in with you on his whereabouts
> 
> this is part of transparency and if he is truly remorseful, he would gladly do it


AR I want him to do it b/c he wants to though. Thats the problem. I can make it a 'condition' but why should I have to do that? Doesnt the BS know how to be your spouse anymore? Shouldnt he 'know' its killin me and automatically do his best to alleviate as much of it as humanly possible without my having to ask?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> So you took the chance and told him that it literally HURTS you that he has to work with his EA partner? Let him know you need more communication during the work day. He should be more than willing to do these things to help you heal.
> 
> Any luck on his job searching?


YES! I told him last night. He said " I understand and I am doing my best to get out of there". But if he does understand why isnt he doing what he can right now to ease my misery. He could call as opposed to going most all day in silence. 

He had an interview, he said it went well but they said they wont be moving on it for a couple more weeks so I have my fingers(and toes) crossed.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Should he think to do that stuff on his own? Probably, but some people need a road map


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> YES! I told him last night. He said " I understand and I am doing my best to get out of there". But if he does understand why isnt he doing what he can right now to ease my misery. He could call as opposed to going most all day in silence.
> 
> He had an interview, he said it went well but they said they wont be moving on it for a couple more weeks so I have my fingers(and toes) crossed.


 Because you are trying to not be overemotional about it, so he isn't really registering how badly you are hurting. You need to let him see that vulnerable side and TELL HIM in no uncertain terms that you need communication from him XX amount of times during the work day. I know you are probably a little weary, and if you are anything like me you are sitting there telling yourself " He should care enough about me to KNOW". Well, that doesn't work. Say it to him. Just as you can sometimes be foggy and uncertain about what you are doing, he is probably feeling the same way. Tell him what you need.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.

I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck. 

Am I paranoid?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Because you are trying to not be overemotional about it, so he isn't really registering how badly you are hurting. You need to let him see that vulnerable side and TELL HIM in no uncertain terms that you need communication from him XX amount of times during the work day. I know you are probably a little weary, and if you are anything like me you are sitting there telling yourself " He should care enough about me to KNOW". Well, that doesn't work. Say it to him. Just as you can sometimes be foggy and uncertain about what you are doing, he is probably feeling the same way. Tell him what you need.


I cant help but feel like Im doing the heavy lifting here. I have to give step by step instructions like he is 7! He did finally send a text and I said something to him about not hearing from him all day or even at lunch. He apologized. If Im honest here, I would say I am tired of hearing "im sorry". I just want him to DO it! At this point words are just words for me. But not calling or texting, those are actions or maybe lack of action. So saying he is sorry is fine but he's gotta act sorry.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> I cant help but feel like Im doing the heavy lifting here. I have to give step by step instructions like he is 7! He did finally send a text and I said something to him about not hearing from him all day or even at lunch. He apologized. If Im honest here, I would say I am tired of hearing "im sorry". I just want him to DO it! At this point words are just words for me. But not calling or texting, those are actions or maybe lack of action. So saying he is sorry is fine but he's gotta act sorry.


 I know. I felt the exact same way. Thought that he should know what to do to make me feel secure, and to a point they probably should. I had to tell my H exactly what you posted. " I am tired of hearing sorry, you need to start taking action". Sorry is great and wonderful, but if there are no actions taking place then it means nothing. Might be time to have that talk. Do you at any point feel like you have to beg him to do what you need to stay in the marriage? If you do, then he REALLY needs to step it up.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
> 
> I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
> 
> Am I paranoid?


Probably. But rightfully. I am. Do you have any spyware in place?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Thorburn said:


> Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
> 
> I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
> 
> Am I paranoid?


 I wouldn't say paranoid. I would say she isn't meeting the standard boundaries you placed in order to stay and consider working on reconciliation. Let her know it is unacceptable, and if she can not maintain the contact she has agreed to, then you are no longer sure if you want to consider staying together. (This is only in the event that you feel she is placing your need for security in the relationship as a non issue. If it was a one time thing, then try to be patient and realize things happen).


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> Can, D-day for me was Nov. 29th. We are in R. Everything has been going forward. I got a funny feeling about three weeks ago. I live in another city during the week. My WS would answer the phone immediately or call me back within a few minutes all during R, until a few days ago. My WS has been looking for work and today she had to go have her TB test read and do some other paperwork as she has been hired as a cosmotologist at a nursing home. I called her at Noon, no answer, no call back. I called her at 2:30, no call no call back. She finally called me at 3:30. She left her phone at home (my son verified it). My wife never, ever, leaves her phone at home, never.
> 
> I confronted her and she more or less has blown it off. I have a funny feeling on this one. Where she has to work is not far from where the OM works or lives. She also told me that she was behind a truck the entire way home and it was only doing 30 miles an hour. I know the road and I know my wife, she could have passed this truck.
> 
> Am I paranoid?


No, you have every right to be concerned considering everything that has happened. I know what you're thinking. She left her phone home because she was thinking you were following her via GPS and she went and saw the OM. You might even be thinking she has a disposable phone. You need to talk to her and tell her your concerns. Don't be afraid to be honest. If she is really remorseful and working on your R she will understand and work to alleviate your fears.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

DawnD said:


> I wouldn't say paranoid. I would say she isn't meeting the standard boundaries you placed in order to stay and consider working on reconciliation. Let her know it is unacceptable, and if she can not maintain the contact she has agreed to, then you are no longer sure if you want to consider staying together. (This is only in the event that you feel she is placing your need for security in the relationship as a non issue. If it was a one time thing, then try to be patient and realize things happen).


 She forgot her phone because of her excitement of starting a new job. Very long story but I can see her excitement. We had several long talks over the past several hours and at one point she had a long cry about the pain she has caused me and understands the phone issue. She said she always has it with her and did not today due to being so excited. She asked me if I believe her and I said no. I said if you are telling me the truth then don't worry about it. I said if you are lying to me then it will come out very soon. She listened and asked why I did not believe her. I said how many lies have you told me over the last two years? 100's or maybe 1000's. She said yes. I said, how many times did you not have your phone with you? Her - never. I said you were fuc**** Amish boy and you turned your phone off twice in Nov. and stayed out past 10:30 P.M. That was the final piece that convinced me something was going on. You never turned you phone off and our boys mentioned to me that you never do that, that there must be something going on. And you never go shopping in the evening. You never stay out that late. You never do your hair - shower at 4:00 P.M. to go shopping (as the boys reported to me that mom is acting strange - (they said, dad, mom never does her hair to go out shopping). I also said you know I can track you via your phone and that triggered big time in me today. Why would she leave her phone home?

She said she understands and said she was sorry and that there is nothing to be concerned about.

She was not argumentative nor defensive and she sounded like she was telling me the truth. 

I turned the GPS off on her car and will activate it again this Friday. It is still on the car (hot wired). She does not know about the GPS. She thinks I tracked her solely via her phone.

Then I getting a VAR for her car and will install it this weekend.

Why the hell on I back in detective mode? 

My gut is telling me something aint right. There are no other red flags other than this. After D-day she stated that she wanted to get a job to help make things right and so we can buy a second house. The second house should soon happen and is in process. She got a PT job at an antique place (my wife and I sell and buy antiques on the side) and then she got hired as a cosmetologist at a nursing home. Both jobs take her close to where the OM works and lives. When we move she will give up both jobs. She seems to sincerely want this house and seems sincere in making it happen. The extra money will make it easier on us and she states that she wanted to get her foot in the door at a nursing home so she can do it when we move, as there are many nursing homes in the area to which we are moving. Make sense. 

Long story but yea, our spouses need to understand our mistrust better.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> No, you have every right to be concerned considering everything that has happened. I know what you're thinking. She left her phone home because she was thinking you were following her via GPS and she went and saw the OM. You might even be thinking she has a disposable phone. You need to talk to her and tell her your concerns. Don't be afraid to be honest. If she is really remorseful and working on your R she will understand and work to alleviate your fears.


Man, I search the house every weekend I am home for another phone. It sucks. If she leaves to go shopping I am tearing her closet apart. She had a burner phone before. So yes we talked at length and I was right up front with her about my distrust. She says she understands.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Can - I do not want to steal your thread here. I know what you are going through. I talked to my WS at length today and she told me to call her when I get back to my apartment so we can continue to talk about this. She said I want to earn your trust back and I am sorry I caused this in you today.

I hope your husband will realize what he is putting you through. When we do not hear from them in our fragile states it makes our minds imagine horrible things.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

canttrustu~

I have a weird question for you. You say that you want him to just know what he's supposed to do to help you feel better, and that if you have to give him a big roadmap or make it a condition of the R, that he's not doing it because he wants to. He's supposed to just "know" what you need...and do it. 

So my weird question is this: Do you just "know" what he needs so that he doesn't hurt? And are you "just doing it"? 

Part of the issue here, canttrustu, is that he may love you very much but he just can not read your mind! In addition, if you are an extrovert and he is an introvert...or you are a feeler and he is a thinker...it is entirely possible that the things YOU think of as being needs and the things he thinks of are entirely different! He may evaluate the situation, analyze your reaction, and decide you need TIME TO YOURSELF...and then there he is hurting you because from an introvert Thinker kind of way that is how he would heal himself! 

So he may love you very much, and want very much to give you what you need, but have little or no clue what that is...AND it's not because he is emotionally deficient but rather he is just not the same as you! Therefore, I recommend that you tell him what you need and then ask if he would be willing to do that... or see if he's not willing, see if he has an alternative he IS willing to do. For example, you might say: "Honey as long as you are in that office where everything took place, I just do not feel secure. Now granted some of that may be my own insecurity  but I would like to ask if you would be willing to contact me or text me every 2-3 hours on the days that you are in that office, just to say something flirty or loving and reassure me? Would that be something you'd be willing to do?" 

See? That tells him what you need and why, and you're not controlling him--just asking for what you need. Also he is free to say he's willing, he's not willing, or he'd so something but here's an alternative that works for him (because nothing personal but if he has meetings all day he may not be able to schedule when he can text).


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

T, youre not stealing 'my' thread. I asked b/c I want to know how other people feel and how they deal with it. So Im glad to hear from you. Really. 

Im glad your wife understood when you asked her. I hope she was just excited and she is on the up and up. I think you are right when you say they really dont know what they do to us sometimes. I did talk to him when he got home. I told him that I needed to hear from him more when he is 'there'. He said he understood and he should have thought of that on his own. I dont expect him to hold my hand every minute of the day so to speak but I know he has times when he can touch base(Since he could quote basketball scores that he checked online) He does have some extra time even if its during lunch. He agreed and said he would do a better job.

AC, youre right. I am more extraverted and he is more intraverted. But I am trying to think about how he would see things right now and I definately think that is the stand point he should take. He should be trying to see things from my POV. 

Dawn, I dont feel like I have to 'beg' but I do feel like its like having another child sometimes. Like having to tell him every single move to make almost. Its very taxing.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

canttrustu said:


> T, youre not stealing 'my' thread. I asked b/c I want to know how other people feel and how they deal with it. So Im glad to hear from you. Really.
> 
> Im glad your wife understood when you asked her. I hope she was just excited and she is on the up and up. I think you are right when you say they really dont know what they do to us sometimes. I did talk to him when he got home. I told him that I needed to hear from him more when he is 'there'. He said he understood and he should have thought of that on his own. I dont expect him to hold my hand every minute of the day so to speak but I know he has times when he can touch base(Since he could quote basketball scores that he checked online) He does have some extra time even if its during lunch. He agreed and said he would do a better job.
> 
> ...



Can, I owe you. My WS booked a hotel room for Saturday night with a nice large jucuzzi, not far from our home. She says she wants me to relax and know that she is trying. She says there is nothing going on and again she sounded sincere. We have had several more talks this evening and she said that when i did not come home this weekend (I triggered big time and stayed in my apartment over the weekend) she went into a big hole and felt like a failure. I mentioned it to someone here and got a private message that said that I am (ME) was a big bonehead and that I owe her an apology. I did. The first time I apologized for anything since D-day. I was stuck in traffic in a big city and I triggered. I said why the hel* am i spending all this effort to go home to a cheat. I turned around and went back to my apartment and told her I am not coming home. I gave myself a pretty good pity party. The traffic jam was not her fault. We are giving R a good try. I have to do my part and not let anger get the better of me. I have a right to many things but blaming her for traffic is not fair. We could have had a good weekend and instead I gave both of us a very sucky one. It set us back and it was my fault.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> T, youre not stealing 'my' thread. I asked b/c I want to know how other people feel and how they deal with it. So Im glad to hear from you. Really.
> 
> Im glad your wife understood when you asked her. I hope she was just excited and she is on the up and up. I think you are right when you say they really dont know what they do to us sometimes. I did talk to him when he got home. I told him that I needed to hear from him more when he is 'there'. He said he understood and he should have thought of that on his own. I dont expect him to hold my hand every minute of the day so to speak but I know he has times when he can touch base(Since he could quote basketball scores that he checked online) He does have some extra time even if its during lunch. He agreed and said he would do a better job.
> 
> ...


 It sounds to me like you are hitting that point during recovery where you start to ask yourself why you are putting in the effort when they cheated. I hit that point too, and it had to be explained to me what was happening, because I was still hurting from his affair. Mental block. 

I honestly couldn't come to terms with why I was working on improving our marriage when HE was the one who threw me under the bus and cheated. But then I realized that I had the option to leave and didn't take it. I also had the option to boot him out, yet I didn't. Because I wanted to TRY. And you can't try with just one. When I did manage to talk to my H about all of this, he did explain in his own way, that he was just as lost at what to do as I was. There wasn't any magic way to fix it all. So what to do? At a time where I am not even sure what makes me feel better? Wait for me to tell him of course!! 

Over the course of the conversation we had, I went over the same points you have. Hey, you should KNOW some of this stuff. You should KNOW that you need to call me and keep in contact more. You should KNOW.... but then he verified he wasn't really sure if that was helping or if it was a trigger for me. Interesting. So I did agree that I would lay out and tell him what I needed, with the exception that he SHOW me in other ways that he is thinking of me and working to make our marriage better. It takes time to come together, and I understand your frustration. Try to talk it out. And I hate to say this, but it makes more of an impression if you express that things HURT you instead of saying it makes you angry. People tend to look at it differently when you honestly say " When you don't call, it HURTS me."


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> It sounds to me like you are hitting that point during recovery where you start to ask yourself why you are putting in the effort when they cheated. I hit that point too, and it had to be explained to me what was happening, because I was still hurting from his affair. Mental block.
> 
> I honestly couldn't come to terms with why I was working on improving our marriage when HE was the one who threw me under the bus and cheated. But then I realized that I had the option to leave and didn't take it. I also had the option to boot him out, yet I didn't. Because I wanted to TRY. And you can't try with just one. When I did manage to talk to my H about all of this, he did explain in his own way, that he was just as lost at what to do as I was. There wasn't any magic way to fix it all. So what to do? At a time where I am not even sure what makes me feel better? Wait for me to tell him of course!!
> 
> Over the course of the conversation we had, I went over the same points you have. Hey, you should KNOW some of this stuff. You should KNOW that you need to call me and keep in contact more. You should KNOW.... but then he verified he wasn't really sure if that was helping or if it was a trigger for me. Interesting. So I did agree that I would lay out and tell him what I needed, with the exception that he SHOW me in other ways that he is thinking of me and working to make our marriage better. It takes time to come together, and I understand your frustration. Try to talk it out. And I hate to say this, but it makes more of an impression if you express that things HURT you instead of saying it makes you angry. People tend to look at it differently when you honestly say " When you don't call, it HURTS me."


Dawn, I know youre right about the Hurt as opposed to anger but I battle myself on that one b/c I am sometimes not the best at letting him 'in' right now. I cant help but feel like letting him 'in' is what got me here. (its a lousy attitude, and Im working on it). Im just finding it hard to really do much but push through the day as long as he is sitting next to her all day every day. I mean I have no REAL proof that anything has changed. I believe it has. But in the back of my mind I have this little voice saying "watch yourself". So while I think he is genuine, its just way raw for me while he is still there. Does that make sense?


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Can, I owe you. My WS booked a hotel room for Saturday night with a nice large jucuzzi, not far from our home. She says she wants me to relax and know that she is trying. She says there is nothing going on and again she sounded sincere. We have had several more talks this evening and she said that when i did not come home this weekend (I triggered big time and stayed in my apartment over the weekend) she went into a big hole and felt like a failure. I mentioned it to someone here and got a private message that said that I am (ME) was a big bonehead and that I owe her an apology. I did. The first time I apologized for anything since D-day. I was stuck in traffic in a big city and I triggered. I said why the hel* am i spending all this effort to go home to a cheat. I turned around and went back to my apartment and told her I am not coming home. I gave myself a pretty good pity party. The traffic jam was not her fault. We are giving R a good try. I have to do my part and not let anger get the better of me. I have a right to many things but blaming her for traffic is not fair. We could have had a good weekend and instead I gave both of us a very sucky one. It set us back and it was my fault.


Thorn, to quote my husband last night " I guess this is a two steps forward, one step back process". Sounds like maybe we both took a step back recently but its to be expected I suppose. Im glad your wife is trying to understand your pain. I think my husband is too(he's just way early in the process) and I think he isnt sure of the 'right' move to make right now. Who is, right?

Good luck with your weekend! Let us know how it goes.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you should sit him down and basically state- this is what I need to heal and R, common sense will dictate anything related to what I am outlining to you. If you don't do what I need then it's obvious to me that you don't want to be in R or help me heal.


You state the terms/outline once and clearly


if after that he continues to break it or push the envelope you inform him it's over


that way he can't claim he doesn't know what you need/want, that way he's told in explicit terms what needs to be done, that way he knows the consequence if he doesn't meet those expectations


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

canttrustu said:


> Dawn, I know youre right about the Hurt as opposed to anger but I battle myself on that one b/c I am sometimes not the best at letting him 'in' right now. I cant help but feel like letting him 'in' is what got me here. (its a lousy attitude, and Im working on it). Im just finding it hard to really do much but push through the day as long as he is sitting next to her all day every day. I mean I have no REAL proof that anything has changed. I believe it has. But in the back of my mind I have this little voice saying "watch yourself". So while I think he is genuine, its just way raw for me while he is still there. Does that make sense?


Of course it makes sense! You are guarding yourself and your heart. Natural reaction to someone when they hurt you. I can completely understand that you feel you can't move forward while he is working there, and I agree with you. It really is vital that he get another job.

Have you found anything that lets your stress and anxiety out when you are having a trigger yet??


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DawnD said:


> Of course it makes sense! You are guarding yourself and your heart. Natural reaction to someone when they hurt you. I can completely understand that you feel you can't move forward while he is working there, and I agree with you. It really is vital that he get another job.
> 
> Have you found anything that lets your stress and anxiety out when you are having a trigger yet??


So far, honestly, I just try to push it down and deal with it when Im alone. Im trying not to appear angry all the time. I havent really explained triggers to him so Im sure it hasnt occured to him that that even happens like that. I should/will tell him I just havent because I know he cant really control the fact that he works with her. Other triggers(her name is VERY common) I hear everywhere(waitresses, teachers etc, he cant really control so would it do any good to tell him? The other thing is when he compliments me believe it or not. For example, when I got a new hair cut, he said " it makes you look younger" now I know it was meant as a compliment but since he called her "young, thin and powerful" it went thru me like a knife! I didnt tell him.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you should sit him down and basically state- this is what I need to heal and R, common sense will dictate anything related to what I am outlining to you. If you don't do what I need then it's obvious to me that you don't want to be in R or help me heal.
> 
> 
> You state the terms/outline once and clearly
> ...


AR do you wanna come home w me and be my representation. lol


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I require travel expenses and $300/hr


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I require travel expenses and $300/hr


you drive a hard bargain sir.


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