# Trouble asking for divorce



## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Even though I am a recent member, I have been reading posts for the last few months. I am a 41 year old dad and husband. Been married for 13 years -- my first and her second. I have an 18 y/o step daughter who is in college (hers from first marriage), and 2 children with her, both elementary school age. 

About 1 month after I married my wife, I began to see a different person. I realize we all change somewhat after marriage, but this was strange. She immediately began accusing me of affairs. Every strange call had to be my "mistress", every time I worked late -- "I must be seeing someone". Every time I took my wedding ring off to work out or to garden -- "I must not love her anymore". Lots of insecurity issues. I explained this away because her first marriage ended badly, with him having an affair. I decided that since I loved her, I would "show her that I am different". I did everything I could to show my love: went straight to work and straight home; decreased the amount I traveled for work; got us caller id so she could see who was calling; gave her flowers and gifts; busted my a** at home doing much more than 50% of the house chores. Over time, her accusations came and went. We had two great kids and moved to a really nice home in a nice neighborhood. I really tried to make our life the most important thing to me.

Over the last 3 years, she has gotten worse. Accusing me at every corner with something. Infidelity, not caring, etc. Last year, while I was away on a trip, she discovered one of the windows unlocked. She immediately called me and accused me of purposely leaving it unlocked so that someone could break in and hurt her. I was floored and devastated that my wife really believed I was capable of such a thing. I felt the life and love flow out of my body. When I got home, we discussed it and she said she was sorry. I agreed to keep working on the marriage. Fast forward to now -- I now feel no love for this woman, I am not physically attracted to her anymore and it shows in the bedroom (which is now another strain). I am tired, depressed and without any passion. I would like to end this marriage now.

Here is the kicker. I hate the thought of the negative impact this will have on our kids. I love them so much. They are awesome! I am ready to ask for a divorce but chicken out. There is always something "special" coming up. I feel like a failure. I want to take the step to ending this marriage, but do not want to disrupt our family. Any thoughts or ideas?


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Have you tried marriage counseling?


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## hurtingsodeeply (Nov 8, 2011)

You just have to make sure your kids know they are loved. No matter the family dynamic , a family is what you make it.. I just recently asked my wife for a separation .. I haven't felt any love fir her for years.. As explained in my thread .. Perpetuating the lie.. People always seem to react differently then you anticipated .. Just be honest with her.. But mostly with yourself .. You'll feel better for it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks for the replies. I offered a few years ago to go to marriage counseling. She refused. Since that time, she has made one call to a counselor, a few months back, but nothing since. Even with counseling, I just do not think I can continue. With every acusation, with every hurtful comment, every argument and then finally the thought that I would hurt her sucked the love out of me. There is nothing left. I will consider counseling so that we can be friends after the divorce, but nothing more.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

At a minimum, got to counseling for yourself to get through it all.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Sounds like your wife has MAJOR anxiety issues. Has she seen anyone regarding her anxiety? It's obviously not "normal".

Let's say she was able to overcome her anxiety, would you still want to be married to her? If not, why?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Because you have children it's worth trying to save your marriage. To this point it sounds like neither of you have done what is needed.

Sit her down and tell her that her constant accusations of things you are not even thinking of doing have destroyed your love for her. That you want to fix things but that she is punishing you for what her ex did.. or did she treat him like this as well? 
Give her a list of things that YOU need her to do.
See a doctor about her fears and what sounds like could be serious anxiety.
Marriage counseling is a must.
The two of you would benefit from reading the books “His Needs, Her Needs” and “Love Busters” by Dr. Harley”. (see my signature below) Ask her to read them with you and to work on the things the books say to do.

IF she refuses to do these things then leaving her is probably your only option. She’s being toxic to put it mildly.


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks to all the feedback. EleGirl, I have suggested counseling for her for these issues. Her step mother has too. To date, she has only made one call. I agree with you and the other poster that she has anxiety issues. She is also insecure because of her upbringing and her past marriage. I get all that. My problem is that I am so over this crap. I feel terrible every day because of this. When I look at her, I do not see love. I see the mother to my children, but nothing more. I do not think that I can move forward, even with counseling. I should have sought a divorce after she accused me of trying to arrange her "murder" (the unlocked window). But, I committed to her that I would try. Well, it has been over a year and I still feel nothing but grief and sadness when I am around her. She keeps telling me how much she loves me and she can be exceptionally nice. But, then the devil reappears, more crazy accusations.


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## firetiger (Nov 9, 2011)

Hmm this is kind of the same problem i have with my husband, his accusations of me with cheating when in reality there is nothing going on...and it has been over a year now and he will not change. He does nice things and tells me he loves me but then a single little thing and he snaps that i have somebody else, that i don't love him etc...im tired of all of that already.


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## WonderingAway (Dec 20, 2011)

There is never a "good" time for a divorce. The longer you drag this out, the harder it will be. Be honest with yourself first -- are you SURE? If the answer is yes, then do both of you a favor and get on with it. As far as your kids, I would first sit down with her and express your concern for them. Try to get her to sit down with the entire family so that you as a "couple" can explain that mommy and daddy love them soooo much, and have decided to live apart. Be gentle with them, but be honest. I WISH my parents would have got divorced. Growing up with them, both myself and my brother always felt the tension. I am 27 and he is 17 now, and they are still married. Let's just say neither of us make a point to be in the same room with them for any length of time. See where I am going with this? Good luck.


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Well it happened again over the holidays. This time she accused me of having an affair (or wanting to) with her step sister's sister-in-law (Step sister's husband's sister -- that is a mouthful!). She is not married. While at a family gathering she accused of being too close and basically said I must be cheating with her. I said at that moment (to myself) -- THIS IS IT! I have had it. That Christmas eve dinner turned into a very uncomfortable time for me. I hated it and wanted to just leave and go home. Yesterday, I called an attorney and made an appointment for a consultation. The meeting is Monday


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

Wow....it is so crazy how it takes just one incident to set things in motion. I too tried counseling but it seems like you get to a point when you know there is no chance for your marriage to work the way it should. I am proud of your strength and I hope you can find the happiness and peace with someone who treats you as you should be treated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Brad, once you mention divorce a MC will be on the table. If your wife cares about the marriage she will put it on the table.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

It is most unusual for someone to complain of murder. Have you ever said to her you wish she was dead or something similar.


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I keep going back to thinking about MC. But I truly look at her today and see the mother of our children, not a wife, not a lover, not a soul mate. I want and deserve a great wife. I have always been there for my family. Like I said, I bend over backwards to do most of the house chores, car work, lawn work, getting the kids up, fed, dressed and off to school and then leave work on time to pick them up and go home or to various sports practices. I do the finances. She must be blind or just does not love me as she says. I do not talk down to her, certainly never threatening to her. I am just your everyday dad and husband. Her family loves me often speaks highly about me in front of her. I just do not get it! If anything, during the fights of the past, she is the one who yells out she wants a divorce. I never thought she meant it, just something people say in anger. After speaking with the attorney, I will make a decision on how and when to move forward.
I think I will ask her something like, "Why are you married to me?" I will bring up the repeated accusations and ask, "why?" "If you think I am that kind of person, why are you here?" I will also ask her does she realize how bad her words and actions have hurt me? How bad it damages the family. Then, during that conversation I will let her know of my desire for a seperation/divorce.


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## Trepidation (Jan 5, 2012)

BradP said:


> Thanks everyone. I keep going back to thinking about MC. But I truly look at her today and see the mother of our children, not a wife, not a lover, not a soul mate. I want and deserve a great wife. I have always been there for my family. Like I said, I bend over backwards to do most of the house chores, car work, lawn work, getting the kids up, fed, dressed and off to school and then leave work on time to pick them up and go home or to various sports practices. I do the finances. She must be blind or just does not love me as she says. I do not talk down to her, certainly never threatening to her. I am just your everyday dad and husband. Her family loves me often speaks highly about me in front of her. I just do not get it! If anything, during the fights of the past, she is the one who yells out she wants a divorce. I never thought she meant it, just something people say in anger. After speaking with the attorney, I will make a decision on how and when to move forward.
> I think I will ask her something like, "Why are you married to me?" I will bring up the repeated accusations and ask, "why?" "If you think I am that kind of person, why are you here?" I will also ask her does she realize how bad her words and actions have hurt me? How bad it damages the family. Then, during that conversation I will let her know of my desire for a seperation/divorce.


Hey Brad,

I don't have much to add here, except that I think the conversation you're thinking of having is a good one. I sincerely hope that it serves as a wake-up call to your wife, and that you won't even have to bring-up divorce in the conversation. Best of luck.


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## BradP (Dec 13, 2011)

Last night my wife and I had a heart to heart. Basically, we each throughout everything on the table (issues, problems, etc.). I think we said enough to keep us together for the next few months -- however, my heart is no longer in this marriage and, therefore; will eventually end it. I met with an attorney today for a consultation. Great meeting. I now have what I need to move towards separation, when it comes to that.


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## SuzyQ64 (Jul 19, 2010)

I totally disagree with staying together for the kids. Completely and utterly. I grew up watching my mother fight, call my mother all these names, accuse her of affairs, etc. If you live in the same house as your kids, it is IMPOSSIBLE for them to not know what is going on. Believe me, I dreaded the starts of these fights, they were awful. I sought out a spouse who would be a good father and not be confrontational. Well that has totally backfired, as he is so non-confrontational he does nothing. Am in the process of getting a divorce. I am terrified of what we have taught our kids about what a relationship should be, where there is no communication and indifference. Your kids need parents who are happy and provide a good example that will help them model their future relationships.


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