# No longer in love...



## aquaseaf0am (Apr 12, 2008)

I'm very confused about my relationship right now. I don't think I am in love with my husband anymore. I care about him and I don't want to hurt him, but I can't help but feel like I don't belong in a marriage.
We were married when I was 21 and he was 26. We only knew each other for about 6 weeks before hand (first mistake!) I married him so soon b/c his visa was expiring (he's from another country) and I wasn't ready to lose him, but really it was his idea and I felt guilty if I let him get deported.
Anyway, I didn't love him then but I grew to love him over the next few months. However we started having sex less and less once a month, and now only twice so far this year. I've been dealing with depression on and off and gained 45 lbs. since we got married. I know this has something to do with my lack of sex drive- but also he never lasts more than 1 minute in bed. Actually its more like 30 seconds. When we do have sex I don't enjoy it b/c I'm trying to stop him from coming so soon, and when its over I end up crying out of frustration or disappointment. I have actually asked him to masturbate and learn to last longer, but he doesn't. he said he doesn't want to masturbate.
So what does he do? He makes an online account for singles and chats with women from nearby cities. I caught him doing this last year- he discussed hooking up with her and meeting her in her city. He stopped once i caught him though.
Recently I noticed he had been deleting the history on our computer everyday so I downloaded a key logger to see if he was doing it again. He is, he hasn't gotten to the point of meeting a girl yet, but he has asked a few if they want to get a drink.
We almost separated after the first incident and I couldn't stop crying at the thought of losing him for the 2 days until we talked again and ended up not breaking up.
I am just really confused. I feel like if I don't say anything, he will pursue someone until he gets them in bed. If I do say something to stop it... how long will it be until next time?
Does this justify wanted to separate and divorce?
We are more like roommates than lovers. We have nothing in common, literally nothing. He is a cab driver so he is already out late at night and could be doing anything and I wouldn't know it.
I almost regret getting married in the first place. I find myself fantasizing about other guys, I would never cheat on him but I can't help but think of what my life would be like if I wasn't married to him.
I don't want it to sound all bad- it isn't. There just isn't any passion. I am also reluctant b/c he is all I have in this city. Neither of us have any other friends here. Although i know that isn't a good reason to stay in a relationship. 
Please, and words of wisdom or advice... I am having trouble sleeping at night- all this keeps racing through my head.
thank you and sorry its so long!


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## aquaseaf0am (Apr 12, 2008)

I just realized I forgot to say we have been married for 3 years.
This is not the first time I have thought I wanted to separate, but every time I back out. I'm just so scared I'll be making a mistake by letting him go. What if he is the right one and I just don't know it? I am also afraid that I will have no one if we separate, but I could possibly move closer to school (college student) and try to make some friends there- as it is I just go to class and come home.
He came home for a minute earlier and I was so sad thinking about not being with him.
i just don't know what to do!
Thanks for reading... please reply if you have any advice or similar experiences.


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## trish_n_s (Apr 30, 2008)

I'm sorry you're going through all that! I understand how frustrating sex can be when only one person is enjoying it. Have you noticed your husband looking at porn or just trying to talk to other women? If you have confronted him and he's said he'd change and he's not doing anything to change I don't think he will. You can't change who he is or what he does he has to want to change. The hard part is, knowing if he's telling the truth and he really is going to change or if he's telling you he's going to change just to keep you around. You should be HAPPY and if being with him doesn't make you happy there isn't any reason you should stay. 
Just like any other relationship you've had, it's always hard to imagine your life without your man. It hurts to think of your man dating or being with another woman. It hurts to come home and know that you can't see him anymore. ALL of that will hurt because a part of you does love him...BUT if the bad out weighs the good and you're unhappy more then happy you need to put all those thoughts behind you and just know that you can get over it. Just like all the xboyfriends in the past. It was hard at first but things get better with time.

Don't know if I helped any, just thought I'd share some thoughts. Good luck with everything!


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