# Ask or Subtle Intiation?



## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

I was reading a love making manual and the author said never ask your partner for sex it is a big turnoff. He was addressing the males and talking about being so connected in and out of the bedroom that you should never be asking for it. Guess it just happens then?

Is this true ladies? And how does your man intiate sex or how do you all work that out? And what do you prefer?


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

As a man, in my experience, women do not like to be "asked" for it. Essentially, anything that indicates you are anything less than the ALPHA MALE in control is a turn-off for a committed woman.

This applies to almost anything. A woman would MUCH rather you come home and tell her what the plan is as opposed to asking her "so what do you want to do?". It's just nature.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Might want to try ladies lounge. How long have you been with her?


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I just don't buy into these broad generalisations of what people want or like. There are so many variables that each couple will be different to the next as well as go through different stages in their relationship.

In my world Mr H is a superb mix of alpha and beta type traits, in and out of the bedroom. Our relationship is strong although only new at 3 years. We have had some rough times from forces within and outside of our relationship but one thing is always there our HD and desire for each other.

He probably initiates more but we have sex daily (or more) anyway. Even though sex is always there it is still nice to have some initiation on either side and TBH I am more than happy for him to ask for whatever he wants, whenever he wants and same for me. 
He can be subtle or direct, a "how about a romp" to picking me up and carrying me to bed without a word, either is fine here.

But if you mean a whiny "can we have sex" while the rest of the relationship is not in balance, yes it would be a turn off. So first thing would be to define how your relationship is going as a whole picture.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I agree with Holland with the 'not all one size fits all' way to go about your relationship. In saying that I personally find being asked a turn off. If it's going to happen I will initiate or I prefer my DH to SHOW me he wants it. Actions speak louder than words!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I just wait till she is bent over doing some chores and then POUNCE!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you are expecting sex from a stone, it doesn't matter how you ask.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think you have to define "ask". If it means you walk up to your spouse while they are reading in bed and say "Can we have sex?" it's probably a bad idea. But if in the morning you say "Do you think we can have sex tonight?" it's different. There's time to get in the mood, get chores out of the way, maybe call for take-out dinner, get the kids settled early, etc...


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think that author is wrong - for some people. Human sexuality is amazingly varied, so one approach is unlikely to work even for most people.

Sometimes my wife wants seduction, sometimes she prefers me to tell her what I want. She tells me I just need to drop my pants and wave it around, and it's like sexual catnip. Pounce, indeed!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Holland said:


> But if you mean a whiny "can we have sex" while the rest of the relationship is not in balance, yes it would be a turn off. So first thing would be to define how your relationship is going as a whole picture.


:iagree::iagree:

A balanced relationship is key to a healthy sex life. My marriage struggled for years in both balance and sex. We nearly divorced the marriage got so bad. After our reconciliation the marriage was in very good shape with the exception of our HD/LD issues. Some here have read my post about turning it around. I required her to submit sexual intimacy to me when I wanted it for 60 days. She complied and our sex life has been very good ever since. However it is important to know that outside of the sex life, everything was hitting on all eight cylinders. It worked because we were in alignment with each other on the rest of the relationship. Had we not, her response would have probably been go **** yourself.

To answer your question, in our marriage, the sex life significantly improved when I quit asking, begging and bartering for it. We both understand each other's needs and requirements and we respect them. While she certainly has the right to decline, it happens very rarely. That conversation took place nearly 3 years ago.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you are a man and you married a user, what you consider to be a reasonable amount of sexual encounters will never matter to her.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

I think being asked, "do you wanna have sex tonight" is a huge turn-off. Even if I wanted to have sex, I probably wouldn't if I was asked like that. I would much rather be told that I will be having sex tonight.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Yesterday I made dinner and was washing dishes. Husband came up behind me, took the towel from me, and took me by the hand. No words, he just led me to the bathroom, where he then stripped me down and pulled me into the shower. I was so excited I nearly peed myself. lol 

Actions are better than words. Nothing worse than hearing, "We can have sex if you want to....." 

I prefer being dominated, or told what going to happen. Ie "I can't wait to get home so I can ravage you."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

TheCuriousWife said:


> I was so excited I nearly peed myself. lol


That's a whole 'nother kink....


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

I always like to read stuff on love making to get new ideas and what not. This guy was hitting more like on the alpha male thing. I have been married 24 yrs to my wife and know that she doesnt like the whimpy asking thing for sure. Also she likes me to be the main intiator and that is fine with me.

Today I approached her early and told her we have a date tonight and she knew what that meant and lit up. So yea she likes that approach...today. It may be different other times just have to be creative I have noticed.

Just was wondering about other real peoples response to what I read and ya all didnt let me down..thanks


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

I have no interest in taking charge and being an "alpha" male, but I do want a regular sex life. Are these things mutually exclusive? Should I just not bother with relationships if I have no interest in "taking charge"?


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

RedBubba said:


> I was reading a love making manual and the author said never ask your partner for sex it is a big turnoff. He was addressing the males and talking about being so connected in and out of the bedroom that you should never be asking for it. Guess it just happens then?
> 
> Is this true ladies? And how does your man intiate sex or how do you all work that out? And what do you prefer?


Caveat: I tend to think like a dude when it comes to sex. I don't want to be made love to. I want to be f*cked.

Not sure about the being 'so connected' part, but asking for sex is a huge turn off for me. JUST DO IT AND TAKE WHAT'S YOURS! 

My LD BF and I are very communicative about sex. He knows my needs. He used to say things like, "How about we go into the bedroom?" or, "How about we cuddle?" Mmmm NO. How about we f*ck instead???

He's finally getting it. Now he'll just come up to me and put my hand on his bulging crotch. Or he'll touch me in a way that indicates he wants to get gritty.

Don't discuss. Just DO.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Nothing worse than hearing, "We can have sex if you want to....."


This is equally distasteful, both as a means of initiating, and as a response to an initiation.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Lila said:


> Then find yourself a dominant woman.


Don't want that either. I don't give orders and I don't take them.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> I have no interest in taking charge and being an "alpha" male, but I do want a regular sex life. Are these things mutually exclusive? Should I just not bother with relationships if I have no interest in "taking charge"?


From your other post (taking orders - giving orders) I am wondering what your definition of Alpha male is...?

AN Alpha male is not a dictator. You don't just tell someone else what to do.

It is more about being a leader. It is more about being a leader and having a goal - and a clue...

the OP is referencing someone who is reluctant to lead. he is talking about someone who's feelings mean more to him than having a sex life. In effect- "I don't want to be rejected because that hurts my sensitive feelings, so I will ask if it is okay to approach my mate for sex."

the Alpha male thinks ... "There's my mate. It must be time for sex..."


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> I have no interest in taking charge and being an "alpha" male, but I do want a regular sex life. Are these things mutually exclusive? Should I just not bother with relationships if I have no interest in "taking charge"?


No. you need to find a gal or wife that is horny and you need to keep yourself in shape so she's horny for you.

I almost never ask or even suggest. I wait for her to give subtle hints (sometimes not so subtle) and then..........

Course as this thread suggests every woman is different, but their is a type of woman that is horny. I found one, and she's not dominant or even young, but just horny.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Joey2k said:


> I have no interest in taking charge and being an "alpha" male, but I do want a regular sex life. Are these things mutually exclusive? Should I just not bother with relationships if I have no interest in "taking charge"?


It depends on how your partner perceives you. If she's looking for a take-charge guy, in and out of bed, and you're wishy-washy and not assertive enough, it will turn her off. If she's more assertive herself you may fit better.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Sometimes subtlety just won't do! When I'm the hammer to her cheap cut of meat, it makes her tender (in both senses).


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