# I need some opinions.



## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

With not going too deep into my past. I have been trying for the last few years to shed my desires to look at porn because it really bothers the Mrs. It is very hard to do at times and I have no idea why Men are so pulled to watching woman have sex. But I can say it is a deep seated desire. The only think I can relate it too for a woman is her desire for Chocolate. My wife says she can give up Chocolate but there are times she will tell me she just has to have it. 

So I been pretty good about not looking at porn except I will admit there are times when totaly alone and I know no one is looking I been pulled to look at a few favorite web sites. Its so easy these day its a two clicks away and free and you dont even have to run out to the store. Woman its like having warm chocolate cookies sitting on your counter top when your on a diet. Its hard to avoid.

The other day the wife said she was gone to bed she was totaly exhausted. I knew she was, and I was very stressed from work and a little horny. I was pretty sure there was no possiblity for some fun as she was very exhausted. I watched TV for a while and the house was quiet. 2-3 kids where not home and the other had been long since asleep. I was tired and but have not been falling to sleep very well with some work issues happening. I dont know about others but after I cum its pretty easy for me to fall asleep. So I decided to go it alone to help me relax before bed. In a place in the house that I can here someone comming I looked to a site that has erotic stories to get me going. I had just started reading when she walked up and asked me what I was doing as she had woken up. When I told her I was reading some stories and about to take care of myself she threw a fit. Turned and fussed out of the room going back to bed. I went up to talk to her about it and she didnt want to talk. I crawled in to bed feeling like ****. Neither of us was going to sleep. In 15 min she got up went down stairs and slept in another room. she didnt talk to me for two days.

Here are my thoughts. I am not sure erotic written stories are porn? I really dont know but I do enjoy reading to get me going one I want to take care of my own needs without bothering her. She being exhausted.

There are times that I dont want to make love. I just want to take care of my own needs.

I dont masturbate more than 2-3 times a month since I have given up looking at porn videos and such.

I am interested in your thoughts and comments. Thanks


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

tough one. are you generally satisfied with your frequency (sex) with your wife. is she a willing partner in your sex life (not the porn).

if yes, i dont blame her for being pizzed. if no, i dont understand her being pizzed.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

First, yeah erotic stories are porn at least in my eyes.

But if your wife is tired and you are horny, I generally don't see anything wrong with viewing porn and masturbating.

I think part of it is that it is an on-going problem between you and your wife and while you may have been doing better, she caught you and got mad. 

But if it isn't interfering with your sex life with your wife, your career or family life, there's nothing wrong with it.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're doing. I know my hubby has done the same thing if I'm already asleep. The first time he told me that he masturbated because he didn't want to wake me up, I was annoyed and he knew it. I'm not sure how to describe how I felt other than annoyed. I didn't get pissed like your wife did, but I think she probably felt the same way I did she just expresses herself differently than I do.
He had watched some of the soft porn on Cinemax first, you read stories......no big deal !!! don't feel bad. Don't let her hang-ups become your hang-ups. There's enough pressure in this world about what's normal or not, bad or not, without being made to feel lousy at home for something that's harmless.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I think it's up to you and your wife to decide what is acceptable erotica and what's too uncomfortable. For example, many women feel computer porn is too "up close and personal", while they are okay with DVDs or magazines. As far as erotic writing, there are romance novels that get super steamy, and then there are Hustler forum type stories that are very down and dirty - which is porn and which isn't? That's also something that is up to the two of you to decide on.

As far as masturbating, it's very healthy for you especially if you and your wife aren't having sex at least three to four times a week. Of course if the masturbation is going past that amount - or replacing what you would share with your wife, then it becomes a problem.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Whether justified or not many women are threatened/jealous of Porn as they want to be "your everything" and have you not need anything else. On some level they don't realize that no matter how beautiful they are (or not) or how much you love them and exept them that somehow your need to look at other women naked and/or having sex points to some dissatisfaction or inadequacy of them. This is something that you have to understand and make her comfortable with before she will ever accept (because she will never understand) you using erotica for self-stimulation. 

I think the primary dissconnect between the genders is that very most women can't fully appreciate how we disconnect the visual/physical with the people we see. I never look at another women, either model, porn star, etc. and think wow! want to F#@$ her and get aroused. The mere sight of her alone or in some act is arousing. Men are also less in competition with other men in that regard. Many men if they interupted their wife playing with herself looking at pictures/video or reading erotica would be more aroused and ask to join in rather than feel jealous. 

The problem is that most men have been J/o to some kind of visual stimulation since they were teenagers. When they are married it seems unreasonable for them to be asked to discontinue this practice the problem is that most men hide this practice durring their dating and then it can be a problem. 


If my wife occasionally like to pleasure herself with a toy (which i recently discovered she did) do i really have the right to object? If it interfeared with our sex life yes, but if it did not then i would not have a right to say (she couldn't do it). 

While I understand the insecurity issues that men looking at porn can bring up in a relationship it seems unfair for one person to unilaterally determine what is acceptable for their partner to do with their own bodies and how they stimulate them. 

You should first try and have a rational conversation with your wife after the dust settles. It sounds like you may have promised you would not look at it in the past and this is an aftershock incident. Giving you advise without knowing the history would be be hit or miss at best. 

Keep in mind you are not alone. Most men j/o with some sort of porn, lie about it/hide it don't do it because of what their wives think. 

I recently found out that 50% of all in-room hotel add on revenue comes from adult movie rentals for hotels nationwide. Think of how many husbands are watching a flick guilt free while traveling away from their wives. This should tell women of the world that almost all men do it. That should make you feel better now just getting your wife to understand. 

There are other posts on this subject that you can look at for more info. Since it is a common source of problems, you will find alot of info on it. 

Good luck.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

After being in a marriage with virtually no sex, I would be mad if my husband was in another room viewing porn and getting himself off without including me. You say she was tired, but did you ask her if she wanted to have sex that night? There are MANY nights I am completely exhausted, but I will scum up all the energy left in my being if it means I can have sex. Just something else to think about. 

Maybe, instead if assuming she is too tired, and wouldn't want to...you should have actually asked her and gave her the option of answering that herself instead of you assuming. Maybe that is actually why she is mad?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

tjohnson said:


> Whether justified or not many women are threatened/jealous of Porn as they want to be "your everything" and have you not need anything else. On some level they don't realize that no matter how beautiful they are (or not) or how much you love them and exept them that somehow your need to look at other women naked and/or having sex points to some dissatisfaction or inadequacy of them. This is something that you have to understand and make her comfortable with before she will ever accept (because she will never understand) you using erotica for self-stimulation.
> 
> I think the primary dissconnect between the genders is that very most women can't fully appreciate how we disconnect the visual/physical with the people we see. I never look at another women, either model, porn star, etc. and think wow! want to F#@$ her and get aroused. The mere sight of her alone or in some act is arousing. Men are also less in competition with other men in that regard. Many men if they interupted their wife playing with herself looking at pictures/video or reading erotica would be more aroused and ask to join in rather than feel jealous.
> 
> ...



i somewhat agree, but not entirely.

I (as a husband) would expect my wife to feel disrespected if i used porn to get myself off, that is, if we had an otherwise healthy and agreeable sex life. it would be quite disturbing to think you are sexually satisfying you husband and then see him need to JO to porn it may point to more serious issues such as sexual addictions.

however, if a married man is not being fulfilled sexually by his wife and she is using lack of sex to control or abuse, then the respect issue is out the window. some call it cheating, i call it being forced in that direction. incidentally, while women tend to use porn far less than men, this could certainly work in the opposite way.

incidentally, the analogy of porn being equal to chocolate for women doesnt quite equate. i would view the use of porn against you wifes wishes far worse than her eating chocolate against your wishes. your not a piece of chocolate and she is using another chocolate to get her jollies


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> incidentally, the analogy of porn being equal to chocolate for women doesnt quite equate. i would view the use of porn against you wifes wishes far worse than her eating chocolate against your wishes. your not a piece of chocolate and she is using another chocolate to get her jollies


I am not sure I am following you about this. I am sure its not the same but I was trying to equate the desire for it.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Needy_Wife said:


> After being in a marriage with virtually no sex, I would be mad if my husband was in another room viewing porn and getting himself off without including me. You say she was tired, but did you ask her if she wanted to have sex that night? There are MANY nights I am completely exhausted, but I will scum up all the energy left in my being if it means I can have sex. Just something else to think about.
> 
> Maybe, instead if assuming she is too tired, and wouldn't want to...you should have actually asked her and gave her the option of answering that herself instead of you assuming. Maybe that is actually why she is mad?


My wife gets as much sex as she desires. I am ready to go with about anytime she desires. I have asked many times if she is satisfied with our sex life in both quality and frequency and she always says yes. I am the horny one in the relationship.

I do think there are times that masturbation is good because you dont have to worry satisfying another person. I try to always go above and beyond taking care of her needs before mine. I think I can honestly say she is spoiled sexualy by me. She wants for nothing sexualy.


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## Needy_Wife (Mar 10, 2010)

Then, she needs to understand that at least you are home pleasing yourself instead of some girl from the bar. 
I agree that masturbation is healthy. I just took care of myself last night while laying next to my snoring stbx husband. 
I hope you found the answers you were looking for, sucks...and I know what you mean. I spoil my husband sexually too but am always left wanting and needing more. Its sad


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Happyquest said:


> I am not sure I am following you about this. I am sure its not the same but I was trying to equate the desire for it.


i know, i just meant in porn your looking at other women but her chocolate isnt another man.

i also subscribe to the theory that if someone wants something bad enough, they will get it. my wife likes sex when we have it, at least she appears to, but she doesnt seek it out very often.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

If you are asking about that particular incident that night, you were supposed to go to your wife, rather than assume she was too tired. I understand you were being considerate of her state of exhaustion, but you can't assume things normally. Had she turned you down feeling too tired, then do what you have to do.

If you did it because you didn't feel like having to go through pleasing her, then you were inconsiderate, or at least she had reason to feel you were because there's nothing wrong with asking for a quicky.

The story written the way it was, I'm not sure she was angry about the porn, that you didn't come to her first, or if she feels you are not supposed to masturbate. I'm also not sure that you are clear on that point. Exactly why was she angry? If ever there are times that she says no to you, then she doesn't ever get to control your solo activities. She gave up that privilege with each and every "no" that she gives you. If she was angry that you didn't come to her first, then I can understand that. But she does not get to dictate more than she is willing to participate.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with most on here, should have given her the option, even if she was tired/exhausted. If she turned you down, by all means you should have heartily enjoyed your erotic stories. 

I am the wife, generally for all the years we have been married, He needs ALOT of sleep, I need very little. In years past, our sex life suffered. ONe reason was we didnt talk about sex or needs at all, and I ASSUMED he was too tired when I felt horny in the middle of the night & I would just take care of myself some of those times, others I bothered him, or *felt* I was bothering him. 

Too embarrassed to ever share this with him, but once we opened up sexually/verbally with each other, I told him about these times and He was very surprised /a little upset that I didnt come to him, He would have LOVED that, no matter how tired he was. I now feel because I did this (not all that often but maybe a couple times a month), it added to our lack of sex with each other. Shame on me! 

Always give your spouse the opportunity, unless you get turned down 90% of the time, I can see why someone would get real sick of that. He never turned me down, so I shouldn't have done it. Live & Learn.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

I have been turned down when she is sleeping. I have had the hand thrown off when I tried to wake her slowly by rubbing her butt. I have had the huff and roll away. I am very sensitive to refusal too. I will admit at times I dont just go for it. She says she has no memory of pushing my hand away or rolling away from me. I get up most mornings and bring her coffee to bed so she can begin to wake up so I can approch her. 

I admit sometimes I dont want to work at getting her off it is not always easy. So instead of starting someting with her I will just take care of my needs. I am sure at times she does the same.


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## jakeflop (Aug 2, 2010)

I love porn. Porn makes me happy and seeing those hot chicks inspires me to get in even better shape because I think that my wife is going to turn into one of them!

Every chick has a different opinion about porn. Personally, I feel that if you get denied, rubbing one off to one of the popular free sites is completely fair game. I can't really think of a time that my wife has denied me, but I can definitely think of times when she doesn't want to do anything, and simply lays there. Those times I sort of wish I wouldn't have asked. lol. 

Then again, I'm not so sure I would have been able to be in a relationship with a girl that isn't ok with porn. Not wanting to watch it is cool, but not wanting ME to watch it is totally UNcool.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Happyquest said:


> I have been turned down when she is sleeping. I have had the hand thrown off when I tried to wake her slowly by rubbing her butt. I have had the huff and roll away. I am very sensitive to refusal too. I will admit at times I dont just go for it. She says she has no memory of pushing my hand away or rolling away from me.


I have had very similar problems in the past. If disturbed in sleep with (hopefully) amourous touches, being pushed away was the best I could hope for. 
However, after talking to her about it, she gave me some tips! FIrstly, she doesn't respond well to being touched, but if she were to touch me and find me aroused, then she's instantly aroused - so what I need to do is be obviously aroused and press her had against myself - at which point, even in her mostly-asleep state, she gets turned on and ready to go ..

Things have improved greatly since we talked about it.


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

Oh thanks for the great comments. She has been much better at waking up lately and I have been better at waking her slowly. I bring her coffee in bed and but it by her head on the night stand. Just the smell of warm coffee seems to help wake her up slowly. After a few sips she can sit up and bed and thats when I can begin to caresss her as she sips coffee. I think she is getting so spoiled. I am not sure why Men wake up so horny but we do. Its when I feel the closest to my wife. I wake up early sometimes hours before she wakes and just hold her against me. It is my favorite time of day. It is not always about sex in the morning. I love to just hold her against me. 

I dont think she feels the same because rarely when I wake up after her. She is up and downstairs. :scratchhead:


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