# Hello



## mandmsmom (Jan 10, 2020)

Tonight he is turning everything around and telling me if I’m going to treat him like he’s in prison by asking so many questions and wanting full access to his phone and iCloud accounts to just call my mommy and daddy and tell them to hire an attorney for me. He said I have the problem now. I’m overreacting, being ridiculous etc. he said, go and leave you talk about it anyway. This isn’t entirely wrong. After spending a year being sick l, I have told him several times I understand if he wasn’t happy and needed to leave. He always assured me was happy and in love with me. Im so scared a lost.

Hello everyone. I am almost 46 years old, have been married for 21 years, have two children ages 21 and 20. I came upon this site after searching for more information on the app KIK. I have discovered this app on my husband's phone. I am looking to gain support in strength for what will be a very hard journey for me. I am contemplating leaving. Thank you for welcoming me. Thank you to whomever started this site.

This is not the first time he has emotionally cheated in the years we have been together. In my gut I know he has physically cheated as well throughout the years. He works for a major railroad and spent the first several years on the road. Their have been woman paging him. phone calls to our home, unexplained absences etc. throughout the years. He is very protective of his phone and does not leave it unattended or away from him.He has always made excuses, called me crazy, tried to blame me, called me Nancy Drew etc. when I confronted him each time. This time it had been a very long time since I had any feelings that something was off again. I have been really sick-almost loosing my life in April 2019 and working hard to recover. Then came a stage 2B melanoma cancer diagnosis in August 2019. He has been super through all of it. I picked up his phone to charge it because he hadn't charged it all day and I figured he'd need a charge. i saw the messages popping in the app called KIK. I asked my daughter what it was and she explained. i did not read of the messages, because their was no point. I know, we all know he was up to no good. I confronted him, he had the usual excuses. Said he was sorry, as he's done before etc. I am tired, and tired of worrying. I just don't know if I can make it on my financially or what my asking him to leave will do to our girls. 

Thank you for your thoughts and input.

<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_sad.png" border="0" alt="" title="Frown" ></a>


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sorry you are going through this. Could you elaborate more on what's going on and what help you would like from the folks here on TAM?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I am very sorry for what happened. Summon your courage, but also summon your courage to have hope. Though this is a terrible time in your life, this too shall pass. You will find happiness and joy again.


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## mandmsmom (Jan 10, 2020)

Thank you, the courage part is hard to come by right now. He is saying all the correct things, but his actions haven't changed over the years. He continues to repeat the cycle. I feel to old, to defeated, and too tired to deal with this. So many emotions and my girls to consider, before even moving on the financial and medical insurance pieced. I am not angry this time. I am hurt, unsettled, and scared.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

When someone repeats bad behaviour over and over and has done for many years they aren't going to stop. Sadly it seems that he has cheated throughout the marriage, with no consequences is seems, and has also risked giving you STD's. (BTW you need to get checked for them). 
With your latest illnesses I am sure that you think its time to stop believing this charade that he is faithful and that he loves you. 
Thankfully your girls are now adults so that you can explain why you want to end the marriage, surely they will understand if they know, and they will presumably soon be leaving home as well. Would you want them to think its ok to remain married to a man who cheats with impunity with no thought or regard for their spouse or children? 
Words are cheap as you have found out, he is happy to carry on having the home comforts while having multiple sexual partners on the side. Only you can make the decision as to whether to carry on believing his lies or end the deception and move on. You are only in your mid 40's, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Honestly I don't know how you have managed to live with this all these years, I would have left many years ago.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Why should you stay with a cheating liar, disrespectful louse who is a serial cheater and has no character? Do not let him fool you. Gather info if you wish or just BE DONE. Leaving would set a good example for your children on how they should be treated. How do you live with someone you cannot trust? He would not say he is sorry if he had done nothing wrong! 

Your health should improve when you relieve the stress you are under.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

There is something about a major health scare and threat to our life that changes us. Truly changes us.
All the things that seemed so important just aren’t anymore.

I’m sorry that at the most vulnerable time in your life that he has chosen this. But he's never going to change.

Now, you have two choices. Stay where you are, paralyzed by years of regret, staying for the kids, afraid for the future.
OR
You can tap into your newly found power. Life threats have a way of freeing us from giving an F about the past anymore. 
They empower us and remind us that we have ONE life that can change in a heartbeat. Since none of us know how long we have, and some of us have been reminded all too clearly, its time to live your BEST life going forward.

Focus on you. Healing. Strengthening. Let him go. He’s chosen his path. I pity his regret when his time comes but thats not your problem. 
Close the door on him.

When YOU are ready and the time is right, pull the plug. Leave. He doesn't deserve you.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

I'm sorry you are here - you will find many people have experiences that are relevant to your situation. Take the advice that seems appropriate - many who post here have been deeply, and recently, hurt. Their feelings/advice/experiences are all valid and part of the legacy of cheating spouses - you may wish to round off a few of the sharper edges.

Ignorance is your enemy and his weapon.

Rather than worry about the detail of what he is, and has been doing, I strongly recommend that you seek professional advice as to how divorce would affect you and your girls. At least your girls are at an age where they can, presumably, make decisions about their futures for themselves.

Once you have the facts you will then be able to assess your options - realistically and without accepting the misinformation that your H will probably spew. Maybe after you have the legal information you could discuss the situation, in confidence, with your girls?

I wish you and your daughters well.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Others have said what needs to be said. And the unknown can be paralyzing, but at your age and the health awaking is front and center. You must take the chance forward, Divorce him and get what is due you. And because your adult children may not see it the way you do, isn't enough for you to stay.

Your new life will emerge, for what it will be you are not even fighting for him why because he's just not worth it. Your daughters will think you list it but truly you have gained it. Now just need to take that first step. And open that door, it may or may not be sparkly nor shiny, but it real and it's yours. 

Your daughters are going to move on shortly with their own lives, and yet if you stay it will become unbearable because your daughters will gone and that's where all your attention is now. That why you think it hasn't been that bad for some time. 

Your daughters will still love you and, you can be true to yourself each and every moment forward.

You deserve this, just take that first step and open the door to a new world.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@mandmsmom I have just moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

I feel for you. I lack the courage to leave too. So you are not alone. Railroaders are known for playing the field I think.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’m sorry you find yourself here. 

You know by now he’s not going to change. He’ll just say what he needs to in order to get you off his back. Again. You’ll either stay and this will continue as it has in the past or you’ll leave and start a new life. Will leaving be easy? No, but it’ll be worth it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mandmsmom said:


> Thank you, the courage part is hard to come by right now. He is saying all the correct things, but his actions haven't changed over the years. He continues to repeat the cycle. I feel to old, to defeated, and too tired to deal with this. So many emotions and my girls to consider, before even moving on the financial and medical insurance pieced. I am not angry this time. I am hurt, unsettled, and scared.


So sorry M and M but this will eventually wear you out if you do not face it now head on. YOu are still very young in the grand scheme of things. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a low lying cheat POS, that is what he is. He has absolutely no respect for you at all and even has the audacity to throw it back in your face, why? Because you have shown him that he can, you have shown him that he can do what he wants because you will do nothing. 
YOu have to take control of the situation. I think you might have confronted too early in previous times, and did nothing about it.
Now you must take action
1. ask him to get the hell out of your master bedroom
2. Go see a lawyer, after so many years of marriage he will have to pay you alimony and continue to support college going kids. See what you stand to gain from a divorce
3. Are you working, if not consider getting a job
4. Go and see a therapist to deal with you emotional health
5. Tell family and common friends about what is going on, tell them exactly what you found, hide nothing. YOur kids are adults, you don't have to stay with POS H to make them happy. Girls will be happier if their mum is happy, I think you are using this as an excuse. How is he as a father to them?
6. You do not want to wake up 10 years from now when you are significantly older and still grapple with this. He will not change.


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