# cell phone is killing us



## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

First post here. I've been reading old threads about husbands getting fed up with their wives' cell phone usage. Glad to see I am not the only one reaching that point. 

Before she got a smartphone we'd sit on the couch and watch tv together. She'd lay her head on me, and we'd watch our shows. It wasn't anything exciting, but it was nice and a good way to unwind. Then we had kids, and she stayed home. and the laying on each other waned after that, but we still hung out after i got home from work, so that was fine. Then she got on facebook. Oh man. It was like pandoras box. She never put her phone down after that. When I got home she was on it. During the day she was on it (she is a stay at home mom). Then the phone started infiltrating our couch time. Texting with friends, shopping on amazon, target etc. I called her out on it and said I wasnt happy with how much she is on her phone. Especially since I know she is on it a ton during the day. She got pissed but cutback on her usage. That was only temporary. Her usage has gotten worse. She now is at the point where she is carrying her phone around the house with her, listening to podcasts. They get annoying. She has them blasting in the kitchen when I get home from work. She listens to the one about Angela and Pam discussing old Office episodes. It's entertaining sometmes, but she literally walks around the house with it playing. Either that or watching some streaming video. I call it her walking soundtrack. Its like the real world isnt entertaining enough for her and she's more interested in the fake world that is social media. There have been times where I have talked to her and she has failed to respond because she was texting. Time to call her out on it again. Im not saying im the worlds perfect husband, i wouldnt do any of that stuff. Time to call her out on it again. Am I crazy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No 

I also think it's time for her to get a full time job.

You are basically supporting her so she can entertain herself with her phone all day.

Getting a job, she'd actually be contributing to the family.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

If you keep talking but she doesn't seem to be listening, maybe you need a new approach. Have you explained to her calmly that you feel like this is hurting the connection between you two? Does she understand that it is harming the marriage?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You have a serious problem, and you are not alone. Don't underestimate the damage that this problem can cause to your marriage.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

If you're trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's on her phone, just text her instead.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If its badly affecting her being a mother or/and wife then you need to have a serious sit down conversation about it . I truly hope that she isnt ignoring your children to be on the phone.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> If you're trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's on her phone, just text her instead.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

My wife started spending more and more of our couch time on her IPad. It just slowly kept ramping up until one day I had had enough and I reached over and took it from her and explained how it was affecting our relationship. I told her that she needed to choose between our relationship or the damned device. I was kind of a shock and awe moment because I did it so suddenly. It can be an addiction and you need to treat it as such. You need to make sure that she understands how this is hurting your relationship and that there are consequences if she continues.

We have come to an understanding now. She gets some time on her IPad but when it's enough, I'll tell her that it's time to put it down and spend some time with me and she will. We also have a strict "no electronics" rule for date nights. You have to take action brother. This thing will only get worse by itself.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

happyhusband0005 said:


> If you're trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's on her phone, just text her instead.


Lol!


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Diceplayer said:


> My wife started spending more and more of our couch time on her IPad. It just slowly kept ramping up until one day I had had enough and I reached over and took it from her and explained how it was affecting our relationship. I told her that she needed to choose between our relationship or the damned device. I was kind of a shock and awe moment because I did it so suddenly. It can be an addiction and you need to treat it as such. You need to make sure that she understands how this is hurting your relationship and that there are consequences if she continues.
> 
> We have come to an understanding now. She gets some time on her IPad but when it's enough, I'll tell her that it's time to put it down and spend some time with me and she will. We also have a strict "no electronics" rule for date nights. You have to take action brother. This thing will only get worse by itself.


Great point. We had a moment similar to what you described, except I threw her phone onto a chair across the room. Tha.t's when she changed her behavior, bit only temporarily. It is time for me to remind her how I feel. I don't mind her socializing on it. That's how she stays in touch with her friends. But Jesus put the thing down. Look at the world around you. That's how I feel


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

It is an addiction. And I worry about the effect on babies of mothers doing all that vital eye contact with their phone instead of the baby.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Smart phones are the end of us, honestly. My wife and I are both addicted to it. We even spend half the time looking at our phones when watching TV, missing half of what's there.

We do a good job of not using them hardly at all when we are outside, though. When we sit on the porch or are dining al fresco we aren't using our phones.

But really, if only one party in a couple is doing this, it's a major issue. It's like we are now in WALL-E


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Grab her phone and run......

Scoot into the bedroom and tape it to your hardly forgotten memory stick.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

That sounds like exactly the kind of thing to eventually cause a serious disconnect between you and your wife. I like to play on my phone sometimes too. BF mentioned it to me one night and said his exwife was like yours...constantly on the phone and ignoring him. He told me "when I first realized you like your social media too I got worried...but it's different...you share with me the things that you find and it leads to us laughing together or discussing a new topic and learning about each other." and he now does the same. After about an hour of scrolling "together" on our Facebooks we both kind of come to the same conclusion at about the same time that it's time to put it away as it's not entertaining us anymore. 

I think it's time to have a serious heart to heart with your wife and tell her she is basically shutting you out of her life with her use of the phone. Is that what her goal is? Because if so, it's working and why make it so long and drawn out...just call a divorce lawyer now. Then maybe she'll see that you're serious about this...but she can't expect to completely disengage from you and expect you to not eventually want to find someone else to engage with in a more healthy way.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Livvie said:


> No
> 
> I also think it's time for her to get a full time job.
> 
> ...


She does contribute a lot to the family, and her getting a job would hurt us more. We have small children and carting them to and from school, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, making dinner most nights...it's a lot. If I was in her shoes I'd probably take breaks and use my phone some times during the day. It's no different than our moms watching soap operas during the day when we were all growing up. I just think that she is addicted to it, and I am concerned she is using her phone as an escape for things she is not happy with in her life.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Great point. We had a moment similar to what you described, except I threw her phone onto a chair across the room. Tha.t's when she changed her behavior, bit only temporarily. It is time for me to remind her how I feel. I don't mind her socializing on it. That's how she stays in touch with her friends. But Jesus put the thing down. Look at the world around you. That's how I feel


Ok that was the worst possible way to try to get her attention.

One it has violent connotations. Two when you are so upset that you throw things is not the time for an actual conversation. Three it had no effect. I mean she rightly thought oh he is pissed. But then you calmed down and she is back at it.

You need to have a sit down conversation at a calm time. You need to tell her how it is affecting your connection to her not just how it annoys you or how you don't like it. Talk about feelings. That you feel ignored. Watching TV is also a form of ignoring. Maybe you two need to plan better quality time together.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Gabriel said:


> Smart phones are the end of us, honestly. My wife and I are both addicted to it. We even spend half the time looking at our phones when watching TV, missing half of what's there.
> 
> We do a good job of not using them hardly at all when we are outside, though. When we sit on the porch or are dining al fresco we aren't using our phones.
> 
> But really, if only one party in a couple is doing this, it's a major issue. It's like we are now in WALL-E


Yea. I mean I am guilty too. But I make a conscious effort to use my phone little if any, during our quality time. But even when we go out to dinner, she will check her phone. I call her out, not making a scene, and I can tell she is embarrassed when I catch her. Like she snaps out of her addiction for a fleeting moment, only to go back to it later.

I feel like sometimes men aren't allowed to complain about this stuff, and if I do, it shows weakness, or I'm needy. I know that is B.S., but it's hard to shake that mentality. I like quality time with the woman I married.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Have you ever talked about wanting quality time?

How do you approach this conversation. 
There is a big difference between.

"You are always on your phone and that's annoying"

"I miss just being with you. When you constantly check your phone it makes me feel like we aren't connected. I want us to have a strong marriage. Could you not use your phone from 8-10 when we have time together? What can I do to help with this connection?"


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Ok that was the worst possible way to try to get her attention.
> 
> One it has violent connotations. Two when you are so upset that you throw things is not the time for an actual conversation. Three it had not effect. I mean she rightly thought oh he is pissed. But then you calmed down and she is back at it.
> 
> You need to have a sit down conversation at a calm time. You need to tell her how it is affecting your connection to her not just how it annoys you or how you don't like it. Take about feelings. That you feel ignored. Watching TV is also a form of ignoring. Maybe you two need to plan better quality time together.





Anastasia6 said:


> Ok that was the worst possible way to try to get her attention.
> 
> One it has violent connotations. Two when you are so upset that you throw things is not the time for an actual conversation. Three it had not effect. I mean she rightly thought oh he is pissed. But then you calmed down and she is back at it.
> 
> You need to have a sit down conversation at a calm time. You need to tell her how it is affecting your connection to her not just how it annoys you or how you don't like it. Take about feelings. That you feel ignored. Watching TV is also a form of ignoring. Maybe you two need to plan better quality time together.


That is fair. I am working on not being so reactive when I am unhappy.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mach2_1981 said:


> That is fair. I am working on not being so reactive when I am unhappy.


Can't help but notice you aren't telling us what you have said on the subject. 

other than I've called her out on it.

So how did this conversation go?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mach2_1981 said:


> She does contribute a lot to the family, and her getting a job would hurt us more. We have small children and carting them to and from school, doing laundry, cleaning up the house, making dinner most nights...it's a lot. If I was in her shoes I'd probably take breaks and use my phone some times during the day. It's no different than our moms watching soap operas during the day when we were all growing up. I just think that she is addicted to it, and I am concerned she is using her phone as an escape for things she is not happy with in her life.


I don't know any mums who watched soap operas during the day, I certainly didn't.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Better yet, when you want time without the phone distraction, make an agreement and put your phones in a basket or something, across the room. At a restaurant, leave it in the purse or give it to the front desk. This is how you stop an addict.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I don't know any mums who watched soap operas during the day, I certainly didn't.


My mom did. This was in the early 80s. Maybe things were different. Not like she sat and watched for hours, maybe just when I was napping.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Right brother- weren't we all happier before we all became tethered to our devices? Let us know if you are successful in breaking free.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Can't help but notice you aren't telling us what you have said on the subject.
> 
> other than I've called her out on it.
> 
> So how did this conversation go?


I told her I was unhappy with her cell phone usage at the time. I asked why she felt the need to bring the phone to the couch...what was she looking at, etc. I mentioned how I miss just watching the TV just the two of us, no other distractions. She got defensive and insisted that she wasn't on that much, and rationalized why she needed to be on the phone. That she was looking for birthday gifts for our kids, or new clothing. Thats all well and good, except any time I walk by she has facebook up. She sometimes just has a lack of insight on how her actions may affect other people.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

theloveofmylife said:


> If you keep talking but she doesn't seem to be listening, maybe you need a new approach. Have you explained to her calmly that you feel like this is hurting the connection between you two? Does she understand that it is harming the marriage?


Yes I have explained this, but when I start broaching the subject of how this affects overall marriage life, she starts getting really defensive, and will start crying. At that point our discussion is really unproductive.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mach2_1981 said:


> I told her I was unhappy with her cell phone usage at the time. I asked why she felt the need to bring the phone to the couch...what was she looking at, etc. I mentioned how I miss just watching the TV just the two of us, no other distractions. She got defensive and insisted that she wasn't on that much, and rationalized why she needed to be on the phone. That she was looking for birthday gifts for our kids, or new clothing. Thats all well and good, except any time I walk by she has facebook up. She sometimes just has a lack of insight on how her actions may affect other people.


So part you just said I"m unhappy with you and part you said I miss just the two of us.

I'm still a little confused as to how watching TV is bonding but playing on the phone isn't both are activities where you put your energy into watching something other than your spouse and doesn't usually generate a lot of talking or sharing.

So would you care if she played on her phone while laying down with her head in your lap while you watched TV?

Also do you know if there is any messaging on facebook going on? Is she talking with people you know?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Do you two still date? I know you mentioned dinner out. That is certainly a time when phone watching should be a minimum. I only say minimum because some people worry that they will miss the babysitter calling or texting with a problem.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would tell her calmly at a time when there's no tension that if she doesn't limit her cellphone use to some agreed upon time spent, that you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor. "If I can't make you understand how this is eroding our marriage and family time, then maybe a professional can."


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mach2_1981 said:


> My mom did. This was in the early 80s. Maybe things were different. Not like she sat and watched for hours, maybe just when I was napping.


I had my kids in the late 70's early 80's. The thing is that back then you watched a programme and that was it. No phones, no computers and you gave your children attention.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Yes I have explained this, but when I start broaching the subject of how this affects overall marriage life, she starts getting really defensive, and will start crying. At that point our discussion is really unproductive.


So since rational talk didn't work -- the next time you are on the couch together watching TV and she starts in with her phone, get up, turn off the TV, and then leave the house for a walk or something.
When she asks why you did that, tell her you didn't think she'd even notice since she was YET AGAIN on her phone.
Do this every time she starts on her phone -- just get up and leave.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I had my kids in the late 70's early 80's. The thing is that back then you watched a programme and that was it. No phones, no computers and you gave your children attention.


You can carry anything to excess. In my day, you heard stories of housewives with their nose in soap operas all day. My mother read books a lot. My mom took care of us, but she did not sit around and entertain us like some parents do today. She didn't entertain us. She left that up to us.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Mach2_1981, you definitely aren't crazy, nor are you wrong to feel the way that you do. My former marriage was also like that; I competed with my XH's cell phone for his attention, and rarely did I win that battle. It was hurtful, frustrating and annoying. In my current relationship, my BF is pretty into Twitter, and I noticed a handful of times that he ignored me while scrolling. Here's what I did: I got his attention, told him the type of relationship that I'd come from, and said that it wasn't a very respectful way to treat the person that you care about, and that I felt hurt when he did that. I realize that it wasn't intentional in his case, or meant to be hurtful, but it got him to stop and listen when being spoken to.

I'd highly suggest doing the same thing with your wife. What she's doing isn't healthy for your marriage, and she needs to know that. Have you told her that you feel ignored, and that this is a dealbreaker? It sounds like it's time that she knows that. And just another thought: are podcasts really the only thing that she's doing on her cell? Does she seem to really protect her device when you're around?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> If you're trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's on her phone, just text her instead.


 Love this!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What your wife is doing is called 'phubbing' - phone snubbing. Since she finds the phone so much more interesting than you, maybe you need to find someone more interesting than her.

Try coming home from work, showering and dressing up a little and head out by yourself. When she asks where you're going, tell her you're going in search of some companionship because you're sick of sitting on the sidelines and talking to yourself. Then leave.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

happyhusband0005 said:


> If you're trying to talk to her and she isn't listening because she's on her phone, just text her instead.


I actually laughed when I read this the first time, but now that I think about it, it might be useful for you to text or message her while she's ignoring you. "Hi, remember me?" "Any time for me?" "Take a break." They will all piss her off, but you will make a point. Then again, it depends on your personality. Some might get away with it, some might not.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Yes I have explained this, but when I start broaching the subject of how this affects overall marriage life, she starts getting really defensive, and will start crying. At that point our discussion is really unproductive.


"No need to cry, honey. I just want us to feel closer again. The phone is coming between us. It's fine for sometimes, but not when we're trying to get some quality time in."


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Do you two still date? I know you mentioned dinner out. That is certainly a time when phone watching should be a minimum. I only say minimum because some people worry that they will miss the babysitter calling or texting with a problem.


Yes we do. In fact we're going out on a date night this weekend. She has been pretty good about limiting phone use during that time.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> I actually laughed when I read this the first time, but now that I think about it, it might be useful for you to text or message her while she's ignoring you. "Hi, remember me?" "Any time for me?" "Take a break." They will all piss her off, but you will make a point. Then again, it depends on your personality. Some might get away with it, some might not.


This is a humorous approach. I will definitely consider it, depending on my mood at the time.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> What your wife is doing is called 'phubbing' - phone snubbing. Since she finds the phone so much more interesting than you, maybe you need to find someone more interesting than her.
> 
> Try coming home from work, showering and dressing up a little and head out by yourself. When she asks where you're going, tell her you're going in search of some companionship because you're sick of sitting on the sidelines and talking to yourself. Then leave.


Yes I'm familiar with the term. What you describe....I don't think I'm at that point yet. Last night she was pretty good about putting her phone down. That's what is frustrating - there will be periods where she is more engaged in me, but then then she'll fall back to her old habits. This makes me wonder if I should just put my big boy pants on and just chalk up to marriage imperfection.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Ursula said:


> @Mach2_1981, you definitely aren't crazy, nor are you wrong to feel the way that you do. My former marriage was also like that; I competed with my XH's cell phone for his attention, and rarely did I win that battle. It was hurtful, frustrating and annoying. In my current relationship, my BF is pretty into Twitter, and I noticed a handful of times that he ignored me while scrolling. Here's what I did: I got his attention, told him the type of relationship that I'd come from, and said that it wasn't a very respectful way to treat the person that you care about, and that I felt hurt when he did that. I realize that it wasn't intentional in his case, or meant to be hurtful, but it got him to stop and listen when being spoken to.
> 
> I'd highly suggest doing the same thing with your wife. What she's doing isn't healthy for your marriage, and she needs to know that. Have you told her that you feel ignored, and that this is a dealbreaker? It sounds like it's time that she knows that. And just another thought: are podcasts really the only thing that she's doing on her cell? Does she seem to really protect her device when you're around?


Ursula thanks for sharing your thoughts. I agree that its time I bring this topic up again with her. A lot of what you discussed with your BF....I brought up with her previously, and while she was defensive at first, she understood, and changed her ways for a little while. I do find it odd that she used to charge her phone in the kitchen before bed. But now she charges it next to her on her nightstand. It is odd that when she leaves the room, she usually (not all the time) brings it with her. Understood that these are signs of her hiding something from me. Call it naivety, blinding love, but, my gut feeling is that is not the case here. 

I just don't get what she is looking for for on there. Is it an escape - does real life get to be too much.? Am I not exciting enough? I never got into social media so i just dont understand the draw. I do use my phone for news, sports, weather, but after awhile I need to put it down.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would tell her calmly at a time when there's no tension that if she doesn't limit her cellphone use to some agreed upon time spent, that you are making an appointment with a marriage counselor. "If I can't make you understand how this is eroding our marriage and family time, then maybe a professional can."


Funny you mention marriage counselor. We had a blow up in the fall of 2019. She was doing other things that I wasn't happy with, but I wont get into the details here. That's a whole other thread. But I had a few sessions with a relationship counselor - just me. I told her about this, and my wife wasn't phased by it at all. She just said that I was happy that I spoke to someone. Almost like she was relieved that she was let off the hook. I feel like with her - she's fine not discussing things, because if you don't talk about it, then it's not really happening!

I feel terrible airing my thoughts out here, because it is so one-sided. This has all been very helpful though.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> So part you just said I"m unhappy with you and part you said I miss just the two of us.
> 
> I'm still a little confused as to how watching TV is bonding but playing on the phone isn't both are activities where you put your energy into watching something other than your spouse and doesn't usually generate a lot of talking or sharing.


 100% disagree. Watching TV, our shows, is a shared experience, and it does generate talking and commenting. Being on your phone is very isolating, as it is usually just you watching the screen, and choosing your own content.

If she flipped through her phone while she was on me, yes I would care.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Yes I'm familiar with the term. What you describe....I don't think I'm at that point yet. Last night she was pretty good about putting her phone down. That's what is frustrating - there will be periods where she is more engaged in me, but then then she'll fall back to her old habits. This makes me wonder if I should just put my big boy pants on and just chalk up to marriage imperfection.


No. Stay on the offense. Make you and the things you do more interesting. She should notice and gravitate in your direction. If not, you might not be speaking her love language. Read _The Five Love Languages_ by Gary Chapman. I haven't figured out my spouse's love language yet, but I think the step is important.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Mach2_1981 said:


> I never got into social media so i just don't understand the draw.


And, therefore, there is no way for you to know how big of an addiction it is for her. Social media is garbage, much of the time. It's as addictive as porn and can have the same effect.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Yes I'm familiar with the term. What you describe....I don't think I'm at that point yet. Last night she was pretty good about putting her phone down. That's what is frustrating - there will be periods where she is more engaged in me, but then then she'll fall back to her old habits. This makes me wonder if I should just put my big boy pants on and just chalk up to marriage imperfection.


It sounds like you're resigning yourself to being treated like a piece of furniture. The least you can do is leave the room and watch your show elsewhere. 

Here is what a friend did when he was playing cribbage with his 17 year old granddaughter: she received a phone call and went into her bedroom to take it. When she came back, she saw that grandpa had put away the game and asked why. He said "When you play cribbage with Grandpa, you play cribbage with Grandpa. My time is valuable". Do with that what you will. Enjoy the rest of your life.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Yes I'm familiar with the term. What you describe....I don't think I'm at that point yet. Last night she was pretty good about putting her phone down. That's what is frustrating - there will be periods where she is more engaged in me, but then then she'll fall back to her old habits. *This makes me wonder if I should just put my big boy pants on and just chalk up to marriage imperfection.*


Yeah, don't do that. I will lead to a build up of resentment which will lead to anger which will lead to more troubles than you see now. Stay consistent. Keep reminding her over and over of your need for her to put her phone down and concentrate on you and your relationship.


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## Mach2_1981 (Apr 5, 2021)

Sfort said:


> And, therefore, there is no way for you to know how big of an addiction it is for her. Social media is garbage, much of the time. It's as addictive as porn and can have the same effect.


That is a good analogy. It's hard to tell what is normal cell phone usage vs addiction. Everywhere you go, people are like zombies flipping through their phones.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Funny you mention marriage counselor. We had a blow up in the fall of 2019. She was doing other things that I wasn't happy with, but I wont get into the details here. That's a whole other thread. But I had a few sessions with a relationship counselor - just me. I told her about this, and my wife wasn't phased by it at all. She just said that I was happy that I spoke to someone. Almost like she was relieved that she was let off the hook. I feel like with her - she's fine not discussing things, because if you don't talk about it, then it's not really happening!
> 
> I feel terrible airing my thoughts out here, because it is so one-sided. This has all been very helpful though.


Well I think you're going to have to talk her into going with you. Look a lot of times just insisting you go to a marriage counselor, without ever mentioning divorce or anything like that, I mean that idea is going to occur to her that your spouse taking into a marriage counselor as often a effort to save a marriage that is going downhill so maybe just knowing that will make her go. Don't mention divorce but it will occur to her that you might be getting really fed up. That is why I would just make the appointment and I would tell her you're not going unless she does because you don't feel it would accomplish anything unless she comes with you and participates. If she resists just tell her it just seems like one more way she's not participating in the marriage and that is starting to be a serious problem.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Mach2_1981 said:


> Funny you mention marriage counselor. We had a blow up in the fall of 2019. She was doing other things that I wasn't happy with, but I wont get into the details here. That's a whole other thread. But I had a few sessions with a relationship counselor - just me. I told her about this, and my wife wasn't phased by it at all. She just said that I was happy that I spoke to someone. Almost like she was relieved that she was let off the hook. I feel like with her - she's fine not discussing things, because if you don't talk about it, then it's not really happening!
> 
> I feel terrible airing my thoughts out here, because it is so one-sided. This has all been very helpful though.


Never feel bad airing your thoughts, whether it's here, with your therapist or with a trusted friend. Sometimes a person just needs to get some opinions on an issue that they're having. It's not like you're here to bash your wife, you just want thoughts from people who have possibly been where you are now.


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