# Anxiety about cheating



## kahlan (Apr 22, 2010)

Before I get into the real issue I have to explain my anxiety since some of you might not understand anxiety. Too much anxiety is considered a disorder, which I have. With this disorder you are afraid of all kinds of things that you would never be afraid of if you didn't have anxiety. Some people experience this everyday of their lives. Others have phases in their lives that last months or years, but then go away. I experience a small amount of anxiety on a day to day basis, but am on my third severe phase of anxiety right now. The issue here is about cheating. I want to know what people think about cheating. 

My husband and I have been married a little over a year. Shortly after we got married I began having an episode of severe anxiety. I've had two previous episodes with anxiety. The anxiety began because of multiple issues, but one of the major ones was just being married. I constantly feel inadequate in my marriage. My husband doesn't make me feel this way, I do. I thought that my love and devotion towards my husband would be more once we got married, but it wasn't. This isn't a bad thing because my love and devotion to him was fine before.

Anyway, one issue that came up was cheating. I began to be really afraid that I would cheat on my husband. I've never come close to cheating, but those of you with anxiety can understand that you can become afraid of anything. You don't know what you are capable of. You find yourself saying, "What if I did this? What if I did that?" Lots of times they are things you would never do, but you still get afraid.

When I told my husband about this, initially, he got upset, but then he realized that it was just the anxiety talking. Since then I've been thinking about my opinion on cheating and I can't make up my mind about it.

When I hear of people cheating I don't think any less of them. I'm the kind of person that says that I'm not in your shoes so I can't judge you. People usually cheat because they are having problems in their marriage. So sometimes I'll just say their spouse was a jerk so it wasn't that bad. 

My husband thinks cheating is wrong no matter what. He says that if you want to be with someone else you should break up or divorce the person your with so that you can be with someone else. This got us thinking that maybe I think divorce is worse than cheating.

I really don't think I would cheat on my husband. Like I said above, people who cheat are usually unhappy in their marriage and are probably not communicating well. I realize I could become unhappy in my marriage, but my husband and I communicate just fine. We can read each other well and we tell each other everything. We can't keep things from each other.

So its kind of like I'm saying cheating is not that bad if you are having really bad problems in your relationship, but my husband and I won't have really bad problems in our relationship because we communicate well. But what if we stop communicating well? How do I know I won't cheat on him? If I don't feel the same way as my husband does on this issue he'll leave me.

Please, I need help. I can't make up my mind. I get so upset when I think about this. I feel like I'm an inherently bad person. I think about killing myself because I'm so bad I don't deserve to live. I'm too embarassed to talk to anyone about this because I'm afraid they will think the same thing.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

1. Why are you not on medication?

2. Did your husband actually say he will leave you if you don't think the same way he thinks? I can't imagine anything more absurd.

3. No one can tell you "_How do I know I won't cheat on him?_" That is your nonsensical anxiety talking and over analyzing non-existent circumstances, so how can anyone answer that? It will not be a question as soon as you talk to your doctor and get on medication.


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## kahlan (Apr 22, 2010)

Susan2010 said:


> 1. Why are you not on medication?
> 
> 2. Did your husband actually say he will leave you if you don't think the same way he thinks? I can't imagine anything more absurd.
> 
> 3. No one can tell you "_How do I know I won't cheat on him?_" That is your nonsensical anxiety talking and over analyzing non-existent circumstances, so how can anyone answer that? It will not be a question as soon as you talk to your doctor and get on medication.


I am on medication. It has helped a lot, but obviously I'm still dealing with anxiety.

My husband's words were I can't be someone who doesn't know if they'll cheat on me.

So if I don't think cheating is that bad under certain circumstances who is to say I won't be under those certain circumstances one day and cheat on my husband? I think I should have a worse opinion about cheating. My husband thinks its very wrong under any circumstances.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

Heya. It comes across in your post that it is your anxiety speaking. It also comes across that you don't trust yourself. Maybe that is the anxiety too, not sure. Only you know that. I suffer from severe depression and also anxiety comes part of that package deal. My anxiety is not as severe but I have a little bit of insight there as to where you are coming from.

One thing you could try (and I do this all the time, because I have issues with trusting myself), that seems to work for me, is this. If you have these thoughts "what if I will cheat in the future?" or something along those lines, and you aren't sure if you are for real or if its just the anxiety talking - stop yourself in that moment. Stop thinking. Think to yourself "'right at this moment, would I really cheat on my husband?". Chances are you probably wouldn't. Especially if your relationship is going smoothly at the time. Then think to yourself "why would I think any different in a week or a month or a year?".

It's not foolproof but it seems to work for me anyway. Just something to try. You start to notice a pattern over time if you keep asking yourself the same question and eventually you kind of realise that your answer never changed, so you probably wouldn't change it in 1 week, 1 month or 1 year. This is just one little trick that I use myself quite often.  It seems to work in the heat of the moment. You sort of realise over time that you can trust yourself regarding that question and it is a nice security blanket.


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