# Secret texts



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. We have two kids together and no catastrophic low points yet. Over the last year my parents got real sick, my dad with Parkinson’s and my mom with cancer. My dad is living with one of my sisters at the moment and I’m gone every other week to take my mother to her chemo appointments. I’ve put dreams on the back burner and put my wants on the back burner. I had started writing a book here and there. My wife encouraged me to start writing again while I’m away with nothing to do but sit in a hotel room and take my mom to appointments. So I brought our laptop with me, which is linked to her phone. She called me earlier this evening while she was having a mild anxiety attack talking about the reason she feels like she is so messed up is because of an ex and ask what I think about her contacting him for some sort of closure. I said if that’s what you feel you need to do to get it I’ll support you and I trust you. She calls me an hour later, tells me they just got off the phone and he opened up about their bad breakup and the reason it was bad and how he’s sought therapy since then. I said do you feel like you got your closure? She said yes. I said great now leave it at that. I continue writing, another hour goes by and messages from an unknown number appear. The first message was a thank you from my wife and the second one was also from her asking him what he thought it would be like to have sex with each other. He responded the way a guy would. And this conversation went on and he sent a nude photo of himself. Now I would not consider myself an ugly man. Yeah I’m kinda rockin the dad bod a little bit but this guy must live at the gym. She responds and a few minutes later sends a nude photo of her self with a message saying something for you to look at and you know, do what guys do in the bathroom. He responds and she says it would be amazing to be together to feel the emotions while being f***ed. then he says he lives out of state now but he’ll be visiting sometime in the future. Her response said let me know when you come to town but message me on instagram first. In the course of 4 hours my life went from a devoted father and husband and son, to a guy up at 1 in the morning with doctor visits in 8 hours because I can’t sleep. My mother in the next bed over fighting cancer and now I have to worry if she will act on this the next time I bring my mother for treatments. I haven’t messaged her since the last phone call we had. I’ve been watching the texts come in getting the involuntary shakes wondering what to do. I’ve debated going to her mothers before I go home and filling her in on this and telling her to clear room for her, but then I have my kids and I can’t be away from them any longer than I already have to be. My trust is gone. I’m tempted to just say we stay together for appearances for the kids but even that would be hard. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crushed.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. We have two kids together and no catastrophic low points yet. Over the last year my parents got real sick, my dad with Parkinson’s and my mom with cancer. My dad is living with one of my sisters at the moment and I’m gone every other week to take my mother to her chemo appointments. I’ve put dreams on the back burner and put my wants on the back burner. I had started writing a book here and there. My wife encouraged me to start writing again while I’m away with nothing to do but sit in a hotel room and take my mom to appointments. So I brought our laptop with me, which is linked to her phone. She called me earlier this evening while she was having a mild anxiety attack talking about the reason she feels like she is so messed up is because of an ex and ask what I think about her contacting him for some sort of closure. I said if that’s what you feel you need to do to get it I’ll support you and I trust you. She calls me an hour later, tells me they just got off the phone and he opened up about their bad breakup and the reason it was bad and how he’s sought therapy since then. I said do you feel like you got your closure? She said yes. I said great now leave it at that. I continue writing, another hour goes by and messages from an unknown number appear. The first message was a thank you from my wife and the second one was also from her asking him what he thought it would be like to have sex with each other. He responded the way a guy would. And this conversation went on and he sent a nude photo of himself. Now I would not consider myself an ugly man. Yeah I’m kinda rockin the dad bod a little bit but this guy must live at the gym. She responds and a few minutes later sends a nude photo of her self with a message saying something for you to look at and you know, do what guys do in the bathroom. He responds and she says it would be amazing to be together to feel the emotions while being f***ed. then he says he lives out of state now but he’ll be visiting sometime in the future. Her response said let me know when you come to town but message me on instagram first. In the course of 4 hours my life went from a devoted father and husband and son, to a guy up at 1 in the morning with doctor visits in 8 hours because I can’t sleep. My mother in the next bed over fighting cancer and now I have to worry if she will act on this the next time I bring my mother for treatments. I haven’t messaged her since the last phone call we had. I’ve been watching the texts come in getting the involuntary shakes wondering what to do. I’ve debated going to her mothers before I go home and filling her in on this and telling her to clear room for her, but then I have my kids and I can’t be away from them any longer than I already have to be. My trust is gone. I’m tempted to just say we stay together for appearances for the kids but even that would be hard. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crushed.


Time to start gathering evidence. 
Can you get her Instagram access on your computer?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Oh man I would just let her have my truth! That would include what a liar and a cheater she is!
Yes, call her Mom and have her clear out her room…pack her bag and tell her to get out now! 

Sheez, you are there handling some stressful stuff and that’s the way she decides to be supportive? Get rid of her! She is no good!


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

OP- well she called me so I walked outside to talk, and she was acting a little weird I kept what I knew to myself. Our conversation turned into what happened during their closure convo. And started acting weird. And after 7 years I k one when something is up even without the texts to prove it. So I pushed her about it and she called me paranoid. I pushed again and she laughed and said I had nothing to worry about. I would have left it at that except she had the nerve to laugh. So I said wanna know a secret? Your phone is connected to your laptop so I got to see some interesting texts. After a silence she went into crying mode. And I let her have it. Cats out of the bag now. Still don’t really know what to do from here. But I do feel a little relief that it’s out in the open and it’s not festering inside me because I’m keeping my knowledge to myself. @jonty30 already got that evidence backed up along with some other texts between her and I that may or may not help in the future. @Beach123 she got an earful of my truth. Just gotta figure out the now how to proceed. If anyone finds this thread because they are in a similar situation if you’re not resting easy because you know something they don’t think you do, tell em you know it is relieving, and then they can experience the anxiety they cause you. Thanks for the input.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> OP- well she called me so I walked outside to talk, and she was acting a little weird I kept what I knew to myself. Our conversation turned into what happened during their closure convo. And started acting weird. And after 7 years I k one when something is up even without the texts to prove it. So I pushed her about it and she called me paranoid. I pushed again and she laughed and said I had nothing to worry about. I would have left it at that except she had the nerve to laugh. So I said wanna know a secret? Your phone is connected to your laptop so I got to see some interesting texts. After a silence she went into crying mode. And I let her have it. Cats out of the bag now. Still don’t really know what to do from here. But I do feel a little relief that it’s out in the open and it’s not festering inside me because I’m keeping my knowledge to myself. @jonty30 already got that evidence backed up along with some other texts between her and I that may or may not help in the future. @Beach123 she got an earful of my truth. Just gotta figure out the now how to proceed. If anyone finds this thread because they are in a similar situation if you’re not resting easy because you know something they don’t think you do, tell em you know it is relieving, and then they can experience the anxiety they cause you. Thanks for the input.


Once they cheat, the relationship is over and it's just business.
Divide the assets and move on.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Yeah I’m leaning towards the business side right now, just kind of numb to her and the bulllshit she’s texting me. I can’t really believe her now when she says she was never going to act on it. Just keep appearances for the kids I guess. But her life is going to get harder for sure. Iv e been able to provide so she could stay home with the kids. She won’t be getting any extra money for things from me. I feel like my focus should be solely on the kids and she can do whatever. Trust is gone.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Move your money into your name only. Close any credit cards with her name attached to them. If you don’t she will swipe all of what’s available to her the minute she realizes you aren’t gonna let her sweet talk you into staying with her.

She’s terrible - lying further and laughing at you. This is how she rewards you for allowing her to have every single day with the kids? Talk about ungrateful… let her figure out how hard it is when she doesn’t have a spouse making things easy for her!

Tell her to pack her stuff and be moved when you get home.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Yeah I’m leaning towards the business side right now, just kind of numb to her and the bulllshit she’s texting me. I can’t really believe her now when she says she was never going to act on it. Just keep appearances for the kids I guess. But her life is going to get harder for sure. Iv e been able to provide so she could stay home with the kids. She won’t be getting any extra money for things from me. I feel like my focus should be solely on the kids and she can do whatever. Trust is gone.


All I can say is that, if reconciliation is ever possible, you guys will have to start over from the point of dating so she can be reminded why she dated and married you. 
I'm not suggesting anything otherwise.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Yeah, I had that thought about the reward. Women are evil. I’ve heard it for years but I always said I had a good one. Nope. Definitely don’t.


They aren't being evil. Women are just more beholden than men to their biological desires.
Read the Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi for a better understanding. 
He has a lot to say, including how your willingness to be a nice guy have have weakened the relationship between you and your wife.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

@jonty30 sound advice. Don’t know how possible it is or if I would even want to bother working on it with her. She’s saying how stupid she was and how she messed up and crying and right now I just have no sympathy. Maybe when it’s not so fresh that could be a possibility, how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> @jonty30 sound advice. Don’t know how possible it is or if I would even want to bother working on it with her. She’s saying how stupid she was and how she messed up and crying and right now I just have no sympathy. Maybe when it’s not so fresh that could be a possibility, how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


Her breaking of the relationship frees you up to decide what to do. I was not obligating you to anything, other than starting over if you did decide to re-engage her.
Read the Rational Male.
You an also read No More Mr. Nice Guy to help you in the future.

This thread may help you out.








Be A Better Man, Be A Better Partner


"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?" All of the following links address an array of questions that pertain to men changing their behavior with a goal of improving how they are perceived by their partners and themselves. If you are in a sex starved...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

There is no situation in which it is appropriate for a married woman to send naked pictures of herself. I'm in MIS, so I understand the internet. Do not send naked pics, even to your spouse, they are not private. But for her to send him a naked picture is too far.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Thanks @jonty30 ill look into those. I appreciate the advice.

@TexasMom1216 definitely too far


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

HuktonFoniks said:


> @jonty30 sound advice. Don’t know how possible it is or if I would even want to bother working on it with her. She’s saying how stupid she was and how she messed up and crying and right now I just have no sympathy. Maybe when it’s not so fresh that could be a possibility, how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


It’s very hard to trust again. Especially knowing she lies so easily to you - while stabbing you in the back.

It’s not a partnership - she will take from you and do whatever she wants while you don’t find out.

You can’t trust her at all.

She’s only sorry she got caught. I would also dna test your kids ASAP.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

@Beach123 yep, that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling about it right now.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Yeah, I had that thought about the reward. Women are evil. I’ve heard it for years but I always said I had a good one. Nope. Definitely don’t.


Women are evil? Really? You have heard it from where? There are countless really good women around.

As for your wife, she has acted very badly. She says she wasn't going to act on it but she had already acted on it hasn't she. Maybe not in person, but on the internet with talk of intentions to act on it in person. You will never know now if they were going to meet.

What is she saying about it?How is she explaining it?

You have children so you can't literally throw her out. If you decide to end the marriage then it all needs to be done thoughtfully and sensibly with the children in mind. It's their well being that should be the priority.


----------



## Davit Bek (Sep 9, 2021)

@HuktonFoniks This is it. The end. Anyone who cheats on their spouse while they take care of a sick parent deserves nothing but utter indifference. Throw her out like like a booger out of a car window. It will take you sometime to get to indifference, but you'll get there. And before anyone says nothing physically happened, just remember it was due to the guy being in a different continent.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Women are evil? Really?


Just saying it’s something I’ve always heard. Doesn’t seem so far fetched from my point of view.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Women are evil? Really? There are many really good women around.
> 
> Your wife has acted very badly. She says she wasn't going to act on it but she had already acted on it hasn't she. Maybe not in person, but on the internet with talk of intentions to act on it in person.
> 
> ...


If throwing her out like garbage was an option I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a post in hopes of feeling some sort of unity with someone in a similar situation, something so I wouldn’t feel like I’m facing this alone. Some advice on how it can get better and the big one, what now? I have doubt now for everything she says, if she told me the sky was blue I’d be skeptical. This woman is the love of my life and she broke me 5 hours ago. I’m lost and I need an adult. The kids are all I can think about right now. To answer your other questions, she says she was just acting out a fantasy and it didn’t mean anything. Yeah, that thought you just had after ready that. That’s my thought too.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

So, I’m sorry you are here.

If it were me, I would tell her “_this is yours to fix. You obviously have some issues and I cannot fix them for you. Also, I need to be my partners ‘one and only’. I am obviously not yours. And that’s why I need right now to start separating from you at least emotionally until I feel I am that person. 

So if you want a chance to rebuild what you just destroyed, something that will take years for you to do with no guarantees from me, then it starts with a plan that you create. Start researching what goes into such a plan. Present the first draft of it this weekend. You’re a smart woman, perhaps not as smart as I thought you were, so figure it out. 

I will give you a hint on the first three items. 
1) you block him from all communication. And no loving last goodbye. You just block him right now. TOGETHER, we will write a no contact letter. Don’t communicate with him before. 

2) you give me access to your phone and all modes of communication 

3)TODAY you put into your healthcare insurance a request for a therapist. You need one. And it needs to be one who specializes in Infidelity. We will attend your first session together. 

I can think of 25 other things you need to do. But I want you to research and drive this recovery not me. Because right now I’m on a path to divorce you and find a way to mend my broken heart. You just shot a bullet straight through it. You know what I’ve been going through with my parents and this is how you choose to support me. 

One last thing. If this man is the love of your life, the one who got away, then I won’t keep you from him. I dont want a partner who pining away for another man. I need a partner who is ALL IN with me. So dont waste my time if your not. 

You are now a cheater. And if I’m going to decide to try and rebuild this relationship, I’m not also going to do it with a liar. So give me the truth. If he’s the one for you, then go be with him. 

I don’t want to hear from you until you have that first draft of a plan. Or you tell me you don’t love me anymore and want to separate and move on. I’m not holding my breath that you have it in you to rebuild. You broke my trust and my heart. You have a long road back if you decide I’m the only one for you.”_

Then stop talking about itwith her until she has something to present to you.

One last thing. Does her Affair Partner have a wife or girlfriend. If so, let’s discuss how you present what you discovered to her.

I wish you strength in these difficult times.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

HuktonFoniks said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. We have two kids together and no catastrophic low points yet. Over the last year my parents got real sick, my dad with Parkinson’s and my mom with cancer. My dad is living with one of my sisters at the moment and I’m gone every other week to take my mother to her chemo appointments. I’ve put dreams on the back burner and put my wants on the back burner. I had started writing a book here and there. My wife encouraged me to start writing again while I’m away with nothing to do but sit in a hotel room and take my mom to appointments. So I brought our laptop with me, which is linked to her phone. She called me earlier this evening while she was having a mild anxiety attack talking about the reason she feels like she is so messed up is because of an ex and ask what I think about her contacting him for some sort of closure. I said if that’s what you feel you need to do to get it I’ll support you and I trust you. She calls me an hour later, tells me they just got off the phone and he opened up about their bad breakup and the reason it was bad and how he’s sought therapy since then. I said do you feel like you got your closure? She said yes. I said great now leave it at that. I continue writing, another hour goes by and messages from an unknown number appear. The first message was a thank you from my wife and the second one was also from her asking him what he thought it would be like to have sex with each other. He responded the way a guy would. And this conversation went on and he sent a nude photo of himself. Now I would not consider myself an ugly man. Yeah I’m kinda rockin the dad bod a little bit but this guy must live at the gym. She responds and a few minutes later sends a nude photo of her self with a message saying something for you to look at and you know, do what guys do in the bathroom. He responds and she says it would be amazing to be together to feel the emotions while being f***ed. then he says he lives out of state now but he’ll be visiting sometime in the future. Her response said let me know when you come to town but message me on instagram first. In the course of 4 hours my life went from a devoted father and husband and son, to a guy up at 1 in the morning with doctor visits in 8 hours because I can’t sleep. My mother in the next bed over fighting cancer and now I have to worry if she will act on this the next time I bring my mother for treatments. I haven’t messaged her since the last phone call we had. I’ve been watching the texts come in getting the involuntary shakes wondering what to do. I’ve debated going to her mothers before I go home and filling her in on this and telling her to clear room for her, but then I have my kids and I can’t be away from them any longer than I already have to be. My trust is gone. I’m tempted to just say we stay together for appearances for the kids but even that would be hard. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crushed.


Your W calls you for permission to call her ex of 7 years ago because she's today reached a level of anxiety about the breakup of 7 yrs ago she just, my oh my (hand on forehead) just has to call him to fix herself? 

What??, say again, what???

She's playing you like a fiddle. After 7 years into a good M she's had or getting the 7 year itch to have an affair or already has with this person and or others. She thinks there's some evidence you may stumble upon and she's rewriting history and gaslighting you. Period. 

You are being played. Accept this early so you can start to protect yourself emotionally and financially. 

She's giving you a standard set up to cover her bases. Don't believe this tale of woe.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Don’t stay together for the sake of appearance. Your kids will see the misery, pain and anger you are in and think that is a normal relationship. Talk with a lawyer and remove your cheating wife from your bed. Tell her she has her freedom now to go and see her ex seeing how she ended the marriage last night.

Main focus on your kids.

See a lawyer asap.

Divorce and get 50/50 custody.

Do not leave your marital home.


----------



## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

Give the divorce papers to her, then demand a timeline subject to polygraph. It's probable you will find out it's not the first time she has cheated on you.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

HuktonFoniks said:


> If throwing her out like garbage was an option I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a post in hopes of feeling some sort of unity with someone in a similar situation, something so I wouldn’t feel like I’m facing this alone. Some advice on how it can get better and the big one, what now? I have doubt now for everything she says, if she told me the sky was blue I’d be skeptical. This woman is the love of my life and she broke me 5 hours ago. I’m lost and I need an adult. The kids are all I can think about right now. To answer your other questions, she says she was just acting out a fantasy and it didn’t mean anything. Yeah, that thought you just had after ready that. That’s my thought too.


It won't get better. Period. 
You can drag it out but she'll leave with the family money at a time of her choosing unless you cut it short.


----------



## jparistotle (Jul 10, 2018)

HuktonFoniks said:


> If throwing her out like garbage was an option I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a post in hopes of feeling some sort of unity with someone in a similar situation, something so I wouldn’t feel like I’m facing this alone. Some advice on how it can get better and the big one, what now? I have doubt now for everything she says, if she told me the sky was blue I’d be skeptical. This woman is the love of my life and she broke me 5 hours ago. I’m lost and I need an adult. The kids are all I can think about right now. To answer your other questions, she says she was just acting out a fantasy and it didn’t mean anything. Yeah, that thought you just had after ready that. That’s my thought too.


Sorry you are in this state but time to put on the big boy pants. If she was looking for closure on one failed relationship from her past , then ask her about the current failed relationship. She sent a nude picture to another guy and from what I see she initiated it. Time to have the frank convesation with yourself, can you trust her. It will only go underground. is the other guy amrried or in a relationship? Wreck his world. He is going to blame your wife and he will be correct. Be ther for your kids but free yourself of the hurt and pain going forward if you can.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you know what is bizarre? why would she ask you first for permission to talk to this ex?

you clearly only gave her permission to talk....pretty much once.

How did she suddenly go from needing permission to talk, to asking him over for a wild sex ride???

some weird mental thing is going on in her mind. so def confront her on this and try to figure out what the hell she was thinking??? maybe she is just super horny, and needs you do do more at home before you leave town every week

i wonder if she was horny, was watching some female porn, and watched some "husband is away, horny wife gets laid" videos and it put a very bad notion into her head.

oh, and she clearly needs to cancel her instagram account, too.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your wife's behavior is a massive fail.

She got caught so what else can she say other than it was just talk. As soon as I read your initial post I predicted she would say that.

And she will say she loves you (and likely does in her own way) and wants to stay married (and likely does). However, you have solid evidence that she is not a safe life partner. This can be fixed but she needs to take the initiative (do some research) and prove to you that she can be a safe partner. 

Lessons learned:

1 - Don't allow her to manipulate you. Don't feel sorry for her tears and self hate. She's not crying for you or your kids. She's crying because she may loose a comfortable life style plus be exposed as a cheater (as well as a fool).

2- inform her that she's now a liar - and therefore you are currently unable to trust anything she says. Among other things she needs to rebuild your trust (I'm talking years here). She needs to take the initiative (not simply ask you).

3- don't break down/cry in front of her. why? because it will backfire. In her current mind set that will not appeal to her and she will see that as weakness. She needs to see you as strong and intolerant of her behavior - and willing to divorce rather than live with someone you can't trust.

4 - don't grant her a second chance right away. Make her earn it. Inform her that you're immediate reaction is divorce but will make a final decision in 90 days (extend as necessary). And in the interim she needs to provide you with a plan for making herself a safe partner that you can trust. 

For example, IC, self help books, total transparency, no more social media or cheater apps, zero contact with Exs going all the way back to high school.

5 - Your wife's behavior also suggests she's done this before. If there are any other flirty, romantic, sexual texts to other men (or actual contact), she needs to confess now. 

Ask if she's willing to take a polygraph test regarding this ( it scare the devil out of cheaters). 
Just mentioning the polygraph tends to encourage a full confession.


----------



## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Assume it's true. That she would not follow through. She was still playing with fire. Humans are hot wired to bond emotionally and physically with others. Her current lack of boundaries with respect to other men places her on a slippery slope heading towards adultery.

You both should read the following books immediately: 

"*Not Just Friends*" by Dr Shirley Glass
The book is based on research of couples that experienced infidelity (how it happened/their mistakes and what they could have done to protect their marriage from cheating).

and:

*"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"*
by Linda J. MacDonald and Bryan Hall


----------



## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> @jonty30 sound advice. Don’t know how possible it is or if I would even want to bother working on it with her. She’s saying how stupid she was and how she messed up and crying and right now I just have no sympathy. Maybe when it’s not so fresh that could be a possibility, how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


Going through a divorce right now due to my wife's infidelity. She had done stuff similar to your wife before she cheated and I gave her another chance, but I can tell you that it was a very long process to trust her again and I'm not sure I ever fully did trust her again. That's on me for not being honest and walking away once I realized that. There are people I know who have moved past sexting or even cheating, but it takes years to gain trust back.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> Going through a divorce right now due to my wife's infidelity. She had done stuff similar to your wife before she cheated and I gave her another chance, but I can tell you that it was a very long process to trust her again and I'm not sure I ever fully did trust her again. That's on me for not being honest and walking away once I realized that. There are people I know who have moved past sexting or even cheating, but it takes years to gain trust back.


Good for you for making an effort.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@HuktonFoniks acting out a fantasy is still considered cheating. so she now has a nude photo of herself out in the open. what if the photo made it to the internet and got to your kids?
not only that, you provide for your family, she get to stay home then she wants to bang her ex. 
i bet her ex is turned on by the thought of you not knowing. 

we all know if her ex was in the same town she would have banged him long ago. she lied about the closure and wanted to bang her ex
1- lie about the closure
2- sending nude
3- agreeing to meet and she was specific to send message to Instagram
4- she made you look like a fool when you confronted her and abused emotionally by saying you are paranoid to protect her ex and herself then continue with her plan. 

she even might have cheated in the past during your marriage, i would make her go through a poly

what hurts me the most is she doing all that knowing you are going through a tough time with your parents - knowing you have been working hard and scarifying everything. 
Imagine what would she could've done if you guys really went through a rough patch, or you got sick and couldn't provide, or you left for few weeks overseas. 

this is awake up call for you because you are good guy - please separate and ask her to move out and act all her fantasies and find someone who appreciate and respect you


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> 5 - Your wife's behavior also suggests she's done this before. If there are any other flirty, romantic, sexual texts to other men (or actual contact), she needs to confess now.


if so, WHY did she ask for permission to contact this ex?

If she is skilled at cheating, she would have kept all contact a secret.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> if so, WHY did she ask for permission to contact this ex?
> 
> If she is skilled at cheating, she would have kept all contact a secret.


Asking for permission gives the impression that she is wanting to protect the marriage while seemingly wanting closure on a previous relationship


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@HuktonFoniks Has your wife ever had any kind of apparent emotional or anxiety issues over her previous relationship or any undue baggage over their relationship and break up, or is the first time out of the blue that she has had any kind issue with it?

Has she had any previous trouble with anxiety or emotional problems or any kind of mental disorders or mental history? 

Has she ever been under a doctor's or mental health professional's care for mental/emotional/anxiety issues before?


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I'd call it done and divorce. You can't fix a personality issue like this. She has revealed herself to you. 

I'd do it soon, though, the longer she goes not working, the more screwed you are.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

jonty30 said:


> Asking for permission gives the impression that she is wanting to protect the marriage while seemingly wanting closure on a previous relationship


Given the facts that we have thus far, which sounds a more likely scenario - wanting closure of a previous relationship after 7 years of seemingly stable marriage with a home and family?

Or wanting a cover story and some plausible deniability in looking towards an ex for some fun, attention and validation on the side? 

Let's set aside the probability that they have already been in contact before this and work with what has been presented to us so far - this ex is a buff gym rat. After a supposed call out of the blue from an old lover that has been married and has kids a couple states away, he is ready to jump into bed with her and is sending d1ck pics and getting nudes in return and they are talking about hooking up again......within an hour of getting a phone call out of the blue. 

This leads me to believe this was highly sexually oriented relationship to begin and that their break up had more to do with him simply not wanting to commit to exclusivity and settling down into a family life rather than all the fire and brimstone that may be being presented. In other words from his perspective, this may have been kind of a booty call type relationship to begin with. 

This sounds more like an alpha widow situation where her eyes had the mist of smoke of a distant fire (1970s song reference) 

Now what I am suspecting at this point with the information presented thus far is she was feeling a bit neglected and unvalidated with the OP's time and energies being redirected to dealing with the parents, he was gone at the time of her ovulation so she reached out to someone with whom she had had a high-intensity sexual relationship with that she knew would jump right on giving her lots of sexual attention and validation with no questions asked. 

Now that leads to some questions. 

The first of which is have they gotten together before or have had prior sexually oriented communications before this incident? - Not enough evidence currently to say either yes or no. It's certainly possible given how quickly the communications became highly sexual. ....but not unrealistic if their relationship was primarily sexual and the reason for their break up was that one wasn't up for settling down yet. 

And the other question revolves around was she seeking and did she have intentions of it becoming a physical affair? Again, not enough evidence to prove yes or no at this point but we do have to consider this serious probably cause and treat it as a very serious threat. 

By serious threat I mean it is akin to a kid making a hit list and then bringing a loaded gun to school but then saying he was wasn't really going to shoot anyone, just wanting to scare people and send a message. ( that was Betty Broderick's double murder defense as well)


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> if so, WHY did she ask for permission to contact this ex?
> 
> If she is skilled at cheating, she would have kept all contact a secret.


This is actually surprisingly common, if not even the norm. 

Cheaters often play a game of tiny incremental baby steps towards doing the deed, but often cloak it under fairly innocuous social discourse. 

It's quite common that cheaters will even bring the AP into their regular social and family activities and even have the AP and the AP's partner over for dinner and go on family outings together and have the kids have play dates and sleep overs etc together. 

In cases of women bringing up open marriage/swinging/MFM threesomes etc, there is about a 99.9% chance that she has already had some kind of meaningful contact with the other party that she will then suggest as a candidate for getting together. 

By cloaking it in seemingly normal interactions, the cheater can maintain plausible deniability if someone catches or if the WS or AP gets cold feet at the last moment. 

It also provides cover stories for why the WS and AP are spending so much time together. 

And if they do get caught with their hand in the cookie jar, they then use the excuse of, "It just happened!!" 

I don't know the actual statistics of course, but I would venture a guess that for the common WS on the street, there are more APs cloaked as close work associates, family friends and such than as a complete secret.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Just saying it’s something I’ve always heard. Doesn’t seem so far fetched from my point of view.


Women are not more or less good or bad than men. They are flesh and blood humans and humans are capable of doing great good in the world but also at times cause great hurt. 

Is the fox evil when it takes the rabbit's babies back to it's den to feed her babies? Is the fox evil or is it just being a fox? 

Part of what makes some men think that women are evil is not that what they do all that different than men,, but rather they have been fed a false narrative that women are more pure and virtuous and righteous than men. They have been brought up to believe that women are above desires of the flesh and not susceptible to sexual desires beyond that of procreation for hearth and home. 

In your posts, your descriptions of the OM are that he is just a normal, typical guy..... but that women (and by association your wife) are evil. 

What you'll need to reconcile in your mind and in your heart are that men and women are both flesh and blood humans with their own strengths and weaknesses, they're own desires, they're own virtues and their own failings. 

Your wife is not a Madonna (not a reference to the singer) she is not pure and without carnal desire. Whether she is an actual cheater or not remains to be determined. But at a baseline, she is a human. A fallible, imperfect human with her own set of challenges and vulnerabilities as well as gifts and virtues. 

You are very much in your right to be shocked and hurt and angered and saddened. You are within your right to give full consideration to dissolving the marriage and ending your relationship with her. 

But what you don't have the right to do is compare her to a perfect, virtuous image of purity and righteousness and judge her and all women as evil because they don't live up to that unrealistic and impossible image. 

You absolutely should NOT accept being cheated on or having your spouse sexting and exchanging nudes with a previous lover! But you do need to accept that she is a flesh and blood human.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Yeah I’m leaning towards the business side right now, just kind of numb to her and the bulllshit she’s texting me. I can’t really believe her now when she says she was never going to act on it. Just keep appearances for the kids I guess. But her life is going to get harder for sure. Iv e been able to provide so she could stay home with the kids. She won’t be getting any extra money for things from me. I feel like my focus should be solely on the kids and she can do whatever. Trust is gone.


She already cheated by exchanging the nudes with him. Don't just "stay for the kids" -- it will be an AWFUL example of how a marriage should be for them. Show them that you can stand up for yourself.
Get with a lawyer to at least understand what a divorce would look like for you (alimony, child support/custody, etc.).
Better to have the knowledge.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Davit Bek said:


> @HuktonFoniks This is it. The end. Anyone who cheats on their spouse while they take care of a sick parent deserves nothing but utter indifference. *Throw her out like like a booger out of a car window.* It will take you sometime to get to indifference, but you'll get there. And before anyone says nothing physically happened, just remember it was due to the guy being in a different continent.


This made me laugh, despite the seriousness of this situation. It is an apt description of the consideration she deserves right now.

I'm so sorry this has happened. It's so heartbreaking. She is at fault, don't let her turn it on you and make you think you have any fault here. That happens a LOT, the cheater will try to convince the victim they share some blame, it's a classic abuse tactic ("look what you made me do"). Take care of yourself.


----------



## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

If your wife's EX is married, inform his wife. Tell your wife she needs to get a job while she figures out how to fix what she broke. Open your own bank account. Give yourself time to process this before making any final decisions. If it would help you, have your wife move out of the bedroom or even the house for a period of time. It is sad how easily and how fast she moved in this direction. I don't know how trust could ever be restored.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud, all cheaters lie. A lot. That’s all you’ve gotten. They are making plans on getting together and taking it to a physical level. Nude pics Are forever. His buddies, etc. 
You can’t fix her. Being a martyr is a thankless task. Unlike most you know what’s going on. 
The only one that can make you a chump is you. 
Drop your hopium pipe stop looking for magic or a way to justify staying in this.
Let her go and free yourself. Staying in this will guarantee you a crap life. This is your decision. The Calvary isn’t coming. It’s all on you.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I trusted my wife 100% until she broke that trust. It was not physical infidelity (that I could prove) but it was the beginnings of an emotional affair with a guy from her gym. I was working to build a future for our family and she was keeping her feelings for another guy a secret. When I found out she was all "He's just a friend", "It's not what I think" and all the other excuses you can name.

I decided to stay married because we had 2 small kids at the time.

But I can tell you, if I had proof that she intended to take it physical that would have been the end.

I also realized that 100% trust is definitely the wrong road to take. It is like putting blinders on that keeps you from seeing and recognizing the truth. My "truth" before this happened was that she would never betray me and our family like that. How wrong I was!

Trust, but verify is my new truth.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Just saying it’s something I’ve always heard. Doesn’t seem so far fetched from my point of view.


Women are not evil. But...

A woman loves you, until she doesn't love you anymore. When a woman turns off her love for her man, disconnects from him, and connects herself to another man, there is usually no going back. Women rarely are able to go back to the old partner and reattach. They seem to only be able to move forward to different partners. 

If I were in your shoes, I would ghost her except when it comes to talk of the children or the divorce. Do not talk to her about the affair or about your relationship. The more you talk, the more words she will collect to use against you in the future. That's what cheating women do: they pick through your words and throw them back at you like bullets. Do not supply her with ammo.


----------



## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

When it rains it pours. If you can enlist the help of friends or family to help you through this terrible time, please do so. You have so much on your plate right now. For your WW to ignore your challenges and, instead, decide to go screw her ex is beyond comprehension. As suggested, go DNA your children. Sadly, this is probably not her first rodeo. I would recommend a polygraph exam if you had any intention of staying with her. But I think the brazen behavior of your WW requires you to terminate the marriage. Exchanging nudes blows up any possible fantasy excuse. BTW, that is the number one excuse WWs give when caught sexting other men. 

Cancel credit cards, split your assets 50/50 immediately, and go see a lawyer versed in family law. See if you can get her to go live with her mom. Follow the advice of your attorney. Above all, try and take care of yourself emotionally and physically. If you feel overwhelmed, go see a physician who could prescribe anti-anxiety medication to help you through these next several months. I am a BS. We divorced when my son was three. Co-parenting does work if both parties agree to put aside the hurt and work together for the wellbeing of the children. Your WW, unfortunately, will be in your life to some degree for decades. After the dust has settled, try and maintain an amicable relationship with her for the sake of the children. When they get older, you can sever all remaining ties with your WW. Good luck and I sincerely hope your mom recovers.

BTW, Marc878 hits the nail on the head.


----------



## SRCSRC (Nov 28, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> So 50% of the worlds population are evil. All women of course. Riiiggghhhttt.
> 
> How about all of us here who have had far worse things happen to us due to men. Does that make all men evil?You included of course.
> 
> ...


You do have a good point. I would say that most people are decent, but there are too many that are not. That is why the world is the way it is. Would the world be better if women ran it at the level men have done throughout history? Interesting question. Certainly, men, individually, are much more violent. But if women sat at the seats of power throughout the world would peace break out? I would be willing to see, but, alas, I don't think much would change given what I have witnessed from some women who have had the opportunity to lead. As far as cheating goes, both sexes are pretty good at it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

SRCSRC said:


> You do have a good point. I would say that most people are decent, but there are too many that are not. That is why the world is the way it is. Would the world be better if women ran it at the level men have done throughout history? Interesting question. Certainly, men, individually, are much more violent. But if women sat at the seats of power throughout the world would peace break out? I would be willing to see, but, alas, I don't think much would change given what I have witnessed from some women who have had the opportunity to lead. As far as cheating goes, both sexes are pretty good at it.


I agree. There are good and bad in both sexes. Saying that the whole of one sex consisting of billions upon billions of people are evil because ONE woman hurt you is of course crazy.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It’s not uncommon to see folks wishing they’d gotten out of infidelity sooner. Staying and getting repeated infidelity. Wasting years of life they don’t get back. Afraid to make the needed decisions.

You don’t see any who got out wishing they’d stayed in it.

I hope you fully awaken. You need to.


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

So “breaking your heart” doesn’t “mean anything” huh? She’s supposed to share fantasies with you, not old boyfriends.


----------



## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

The greatest struggle when you find out this early and stop it this early, is the question that will haunt you for many ears to come.

"If I hadn't intervened would she have done it?"

You're going to hear all about how it was a temporary insanity and that she never really would have gone through with it, it was just fantasy.

How long would the fantasy have gone on? How far would it have gone? Having stopped it instead of allowing it to play out its natural course stops you from ever having that answer. The problem is, the answer to that question is also a big part of the answer regarding whether R is even possible. Did you stop this one but not the last one? Not the next one? Was this going to be an exit affair or a 1 night of texting fantasy?


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Hi @HuktonFoniks, it was difficult reading your story but not like @chuck08854 story, he found a USB drive while he was preparing for xmas decoration and cleaning up his yard, in that USB stick he found videos of his wife having sex with multiple men and women (maybe an orgy) and other sex videos dating back 5+ years, he is only married for 10 years, together for 12, and have 2 children with her!
He is getting his ducks in a row to prepare for the nuclear day! (Look him up here on TAM)

Just imagen if your wife didn't have her cloud connected to the laptop, you would have never known and most likely she would have hooked up with him *(assuming she hasn't done so in the past or something similar with others)*, and maybe get pregnant, and you will be the chump raising her affair partner (AP) child _(There are heart-breaking stories here from fathers finding out that one or more of their kids are not theirs!)_

You have been given a second chance in life because of your good deeds in taking care of your old folks!

Here is something to think about @HuktonFoniks, there is a difference between men and women when they cheat!
The vast majority of men cheat for the sex, nothing more, nothing less, it's like taking a piss!
Women are a total different!
Women need emotional connection in order to give herself to someone else, the fact that a woman wants to have sex is always a high risk for her, there is always a chance for pregnancy to happen even when using any type of contraception methods, because all these methods are not %100 safe, condoms are rarely used in affairs, because if she is risking every thing for that dude she might as will have the full experience _(hundreds of stories here on TAM alone confirms that!)_

So when your wife was willing to hook up with her Ex (Yes it was not a fantasy, but again what did you expect her to say??!!):


HuktonFoniks said:


> let me know when you come to town but message me on instagram first.


She subconsciously accepted the idea of given him her whom to plant his seed inside of her, it may result in pregnancy or it may not because contraception methods are not %100 affective, but she was willing to take the risk for him, she is given him everything and risking everything!

Think about this: You buy a $10k Rolex watch, the next day you call your friend and tell him, he tells you that he did the same yesterday buying the same model for $5k, you get upset, you feel scammed, you head back to the dealer to request a $5K refund, the dealer refuses!
Than another man (while you are standing there arguing) gets the same watch for free!
The dealer tells you, the $10k was the sell price for you, the $5k was for your friends, and for free for this guy!

You paid the full price for something that another man got for free!
You will never EVER be able to enjoy your watch ever again known that!

That is exactly what was going to happen to you (Or it might have happened to you), you paid the full price (marriage, commitment, providing, energy, time, effort, protection, housing, resources, looking after ..Etc) while another man was going to have her for free without doing anything, all it took is a couple of messages and some attention, ALL what you have done and provided meant nothing to her, it had no value to her!

If you want to understand the female behaviour and have an eye opening moments you will need to read these books (they are short):

The Rational Male - By Rollo Tomassi - --> _Check his __Youtube channel__ and his __Youtube clips_
The Unplugged Alpha - By Richard Cooper - --> _Check his __Youtube channel__ and his __Youtube clips_
Practical Female Psychology: For the Practical Man - By Joseph South
No More Mr. Nice Guy: A Proven Plan for Getting What You Want in Love, Sex and Life - By Dr. Robert Glover
After reading these books you will understand where you screwed up and why you didn't have firm boundaries in your relationship!
You see women are not evil, but the way we choose and how we accept and tolerate some of their behaviours is the key to keep your relationship with them in check!

For example: when you said:


HuktonFoniks said:


> She called me earlier this evening while she was having a mild anxiety attack talking about the reason she feels like she is so messed up is because of an ex and ask what I think about her contacting him for some sort of closure. I said if that’s what you feel you need to do to get it I’ll support you and I trust you.


The fact that she called you to tell you about contacting her Ex for closure is a major red flag about boundaries and how your wife sees you!
This *behaviour* from her *and the timing* is a huge indication that you are not a priority, if you are, she wouldn't even think about contacting her Ex, instead, she would be pining after her husband (You) and respecting you, especially when you are going through hard times taking care of you parents and being away from you house and kids!

Understand this: *reconciliation* takes 3-5 years (That's the standard) with no grantee at the end, so you must be willing in invest and waste years of you life in a gamble that it might not work. the problem here is that you can't get back the years lost from your life (you don't get younger!), add to that taking care of you parents and being away from time to time is a huger gamble with someone that need constant attention!

In the reconciliation process you will lose you confidence as a man. you can't even have proper goals in life, because some goals need investing and full attention to reach, and you will have this constant fear that if you focus on your goals and purpose your wife will spread her legs to some other dude, so you cut down on your goals just to give her that extra attention!
You will be the marriage warden who always check on his wife and snoops behind her, it's like your not confident that your wife really wants you and she is just staying for your resources!

However I know someone here, a good man (@johndoe12299) who is reconciling with his cheating wife, but as a girlfriend, he is divorcing her and downgrading her to a GF status, the rings will be in a drawers as a reminder of her betrayal, a reminder of what she had and what she lost!
Doing that he is having a favourable divorce terms (No alimony) and told her in the future they MIGHT remarry, she agreed just to have his commitment and for him to stay with her!
*WHY: because women are the gatekeepers for sexual intimacy and men are the gatekeepers for commitment.*

So that's a path you might want to explore if you want to stay with her, downgrading her to a GF is slapping her with serious consequences, assuming nothing physical happened with her Ex or any other man in the past years (a polygraph can help here)!

_But I would bail, and build something new, you have no idea how strong and proud you will be when you preserve your dignity, self respect and pride, you are the prize, you are the gatekeeper for commitments in a time and age where many MANY women are selfish and entitled, they think they can have what they want and expect men to bend backword for them, don't be that man, you will hate yourself!_

And always remember: *Don't pay the full price for something that another man can get for free!*
After reading these books I'm sure you will come back and list some red flags in your relationship you didn't notice or think about, that's why it's so important to read these books and watch the youtube channels!

I feel your pain, many here went through what you are going through!
You are not alone buddy!
And know, only the strong will survive, so be strong, you did nothing wrong for her to betray you!
Good luck and God speed!


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Landofblue said:


> So, I’m sorry you are here.
> 
> If it were me, I would tell her “_this is yours to fix. You obviously have some issues and I cannot fix them for you. Also, I need to be my partners ‘one and only’. I am obviously not yours. And that’s why I need right now to start separating from you at least emotionally until I feel I am that person.
> 
> ...


This is good. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I’m going to use some of it for sure. Seems like a smart way to proceed. And the kind of guidance I was looking for. As far as I know the guy is single. I like the idea of having access to communication. She said she already blocked him and will give up all social media if I want. But in my head it’ll only be deleted when I’m home. So maybe since I don’t have instagram or use my Facebook for anything other than the marketplace I’ll just stay logged in to her accounts on my phone with notifications on as I sit back and wait for her to fix this.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

bankshot1993 said:


> The greatest struggle when you find out this early and stop it this early, is the question that will haunt you for many ears to come.
> 
> "If I hadn't intervened would she have done it?"
> 
> ...


Yeah, my biggest question is, if she was more independent and didn’t have to rely on me for everything would she be torn up about me finding out. Part of me thinks she’s upset because she won’t know what to do without me. She has nothing but what I can provide. At least no job or money to bring into the house and no way to pay rent or bills. But if she had that what would she have done? Would she have followed through with it? That’s what I wonder.


----------



## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> . But if she had that what would she have done? Would she have followed through with it? That’s what I wonder.


 you know the answer deep down you. she would have stringed you along then left you.


----------



## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> This is good. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I’m going to use some of it for sure. Seems like a smart way to proceed. And the kind of guidance I was looking for. As far as I know the guy is single. I like the idea of having access to communication. She said she already blocked him and will give up all social media if I want. But in my head it’ll only be deleted when I’m home. So maybe since I don’t have instagram or use my Facebook for anything other than the marketplace I’ll just stay logged in to her accounts on my phone with notifications on as I sit back and wait for her to fix this.


Frankly, I think she will print that letter and wipe her sperm-sprayed ass with it. She doesn't care dude.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This is actually surprisingly common, if not even the norm.
> 
> Cheaters often play a game of tiny incremental baby steps towards doing the deed, but often cloak it under fairly innocuous social discourse.
> 
> ...


that is a plausible reason. thanks


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> Hi @HuktonFoniks, it was difficult reading your story but not like @chuck08854 story, he found a USB drive while he was preparing for xmas decoration and cleaning up his yard, in that USB stick he found videos of his wife having sex with multiple men and women (maybe an orgy) and other sex videos dating back 5+ years, he is only married for 10 years, together for 12, and have 2 children with her!
> He is getting his ducks in a row to prepare for the nuclear day! (Look him up here on TAM)
> 
> Just imagen if your wife didn't have her cloud connected to the laptop, you would have never known and most likely she would have hooked up with him *(assuming she hasn't done so in the past or something similar with others)*, and maybe get pregnant, and you will be the chump raising her affair partner (AP) child _(There are heart-breaking stories here from fathers finding out that one or more of their kids are not theirs!)_
> ...


That was a lot of information to take in. You hit a lot of sting points. I’ll give the books a try for sure. Seems like you gave me a glimpse of what to expect in the future. The paying full price comment hit hard, not going to lie about that one. I had to step back for a minute. Don’t really know why. Thank you for the support.


----------



## HuktonFoniks (Dec 9, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> @HuktonFoniks Has your wife ever had any kind of apparent emotional or anxiety issues over her previous relationship or any undue baggage over their relationship and break up, or is the first time out of the blue that she has had any kind issue with it?
> 
> Has she had any previous trouble with anxiety or emotional problems or any kind of mental disorders or mental history?
> 
> Has she ever been under a doctor's or mental health professional's care for mental/emotional/anxiety issues before?


Yea to all that


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HuktonFoniks said:


> OP- well she called me so I walked outside to talk, and she was acting a little weird I kept what I knew to myself. Our conversation turned into what happened during their closure convo. And started acting weird. And after 7 years I k one when something is up even without the texts to prove it. So I pushed her about it and she called me paranoid. I pushed again and she laughed and said I had nothing to worry about. I would have left it at that except she had the nerve to laugh. So I said wanna know a secret? Your phone is connected to your laptop so I got to see some interesting texts. After a silence she went into crying mode. And I let her have it. Cats out of the bag now. Still don’t really know what to do from here. But I do feel a little relief that it’s out in the open and it’s not festering inside me because I’m keeping my knowledge to myself. @jonty30 already got that evidence backed up along with some other texts between her and I that may or may not help in the future. @Beach123 she got an earful of my truth. Just gotta figure out the now how to proceed. If anyone finds this thread because they are in a similar situation if you’re not resting easy because you know something they don’t think you do, tell em you know it is relieving, and then they can experience the anxiety they cause you. Thanks for the input.


Buddy, I hate to be the one to tell you this but I’m gonna do it anyway —

This wasn’t her first rodeo.


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Just saying it’s something I’ve always heard. Doesn’t seem so far fetched from my point of view.


Most women and men aren't evil. However, they do, on average, have different ideas about what an ideal partner is. Men are, on average, going to focus more on looks and women, on average, are going to focus more on a man's wealth or potential.

Each side looks at the other's choices and calls them "evil." However, it is really just those folks following their genetically programmed desires.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most are looking at how they can save the marriage that their spouse willingly threw away. Waiting for them to “get it”. Most often it’s the betrayed who doesn’t “get it”. It’s who they are. You can’t fix this.

The betrayed grasps at straws. Anything that seems plausible.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Most of what I’ve seen R stands for rugsweep. Not reconciliation.


----------



## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

GusPolinski said:


> Buddy, I hate to be the one to tell you this but I’m gonna do it anyway —
> 
> This wasn’t her first rodeo.


@HuktonFoniks I have to agree with @GusPolinski,
From experience reading many stories and helping many, your wife went right to the hooking part (sex), this is unusual, if it's the first time, it usually starts with emotional connection, like texting for weeks before the dead is done, here, she went to the sex right away, this is where you need to stop and think if it's her first redo!
If you are going to reconcile, and take that risk, you at least need to know what you're reconcile for!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

More than once equals serial cheater. That’s not fixable. Sorry.


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

GusPolinski said:


> Buddy, I hate to be the one to tell you this but I’m gonna do it anyway —
> 
> This wasn’t her first rodeo.


My thoughts exactly. The way she went about this screams that it wasn't her first time cheating......and yes, this was cheating.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

HuktonFoniks said:


> If throwing her out like garbage was an option I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a post in hopes of feeling some sort of unity with someone in a similar situation, something so I wouldn’t feel like I’m facing this alone. Some advice on how it can get better and the big one, what now? I have doubt now for everything she says, if she told me the sky was blue I’d be skeptical. This woman is the love of my life and she broke me 5 hours ago. I’m lost and I need an adult. The kids are all I can think about right now. To answer your other questions, she says she was just acting out a fantasy and it didn’t mean anything. Yeah, that thought you just had after ready that. That’s my thought too.


IF you don’t plan to execute some swift and harsh consequences that definitely hurt her - she will continue to disrespect you and lie to your face!

You can just move forward like nothing happened (high is what she prefers) but just know FOR SURE - she will continue her bad behavior!

Seriously, since that’s the way she wants to behave = she shouldn’t be married!!! She isn’t acting married! Why would you stay with someone that acts like a cat on the prowl?


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I wouldn’t bother with a confrontation. No need to waste time on her.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

HuktonFoniks said:


> This is good. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I’m going to use some of it for sure. Seems like a smart way to proceed. And the kind of guidance I was looking for. As far as I know the guy is single. I like the idea of having access to communication. She said she already blocked him and will give up all social media if I want. But in my head it’ll only be deleted when I’m home. So maybe since I don’t have instagram or use my Facebook for anything other than the marketplace I’ll just stay logged in to her accounts on my phone with notifications on as I sit back and wait for her to fix this.


Sit back and wait for her to fix this? Man, that’s leaving YOURSELF and your future completely at the mercy of what she may or may not do!
And no consequences for her either.
Tell ALL her friends and family today!
Make her move out today.
Require her to work full time since she finds trouble when she is a stay at home mom.
Restrict her access to the family money a d credit cards. Give her a slim weekly allowance for a while.

Also - you are being too optimistic by giving her the benefit of all the doubts! She could easily use a burner phone now that you know. She could also easily create NEW profiles that you will never see.

Don’t be naive, she’s about to screw you over with MORE lies!


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

I don't quite understand how you saw the texts and nude photos between the two of them go back and forth on your phone. 

This has something to do with Instagram and you being logged into her account? If so why were you logged on to her account in the first place, other than to monitor her activities which means you felt you had reason to do this before you even saw the exchange between her and the ex.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He was on her laptop.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why does a woman that’s married for 7 years, has 2 kids with her husband, even dare talk about closure about a past boyfriend? That she went from a call to quickly texting and being the first to bring up sex is real head shaker. That she then responded with her own nude pics after receiving a nude from him is really disturbing. 

I agree with @GusPolinski that the speed with which this escalated to her sending him nudes and planning their hook up screams that this is not the first time she’s stepped out on you. Also she may have been in touch with this guy for a while but just made her move now.

I think having her take a poly to answer if she has had sexual contact with other men while married or if she has pursued other men in the past.


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Marc878 said:


> I wouldn’t bother with a confrontation. No need to waste time on her.


I concur with this. At this point, why waste time with confrontations or polygraphs or anything. What you already know is enough to end it. Get out, you deserve better.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She showed who she is and what she is capable of doing (behind your back).

Now you know who she really is. You really want to be married to that?


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tell her that, years from now, when she calls you for “closure”, there will be no need to send nudes.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Why does a woman that’s married for 7 years, has 2 kids with her husband, even dare talk about closure about a past boyfriend? That she went from a call to quickly texting and being the first to bring up sex is real head shaker. That she then responded with her own nude pics after receiving a nude from him is really disturbing.
> 
> I agree with @GusPolinski that the speed with which this escalated to her sending him nudes and planning their hook up screams that this is not the first time she’s stepped out on you. Also she may have been in touch with this guy for a while but just made her move now.
> 
> I think having her take a poly to answer if she has had sexual contact with other men while married or if she has pursued other men in the past.


She didn’t want closure. That was a lie.

She wanted to “open up” again for her ex.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She had a nude photo AT THE READY and already had the “text me on Instagram first”…..

dude, she’s been cheating for a while now. You just found out.

as said, you’re just giving her an opportunity to get her exit plan in place. You’re history.

I suggest an attorney visit.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yep, how did she have his info to send a nude photo IF she was going for closure?

And how did she send a nude photo so quickly? I would want to know!


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

My friend, I am sorry you are in this situation. You have to make your own decisions. However, we can give you perspectives to think about, and can tell you our own experiences so that maybe you can learn from them and avoid making the same mistakes.

Here's some things to think about:

I personally could never continue in this relationship after experiencing what you have gone through. It would be a sure fire divorce for me. 
The things that would prevent me from continuing on with the relationship are:

1. My trust would be gone forever. I don't think you can ever TRULY get it completely back again, because at one time "I could never imagine her cheating". So, even if there is reconciliation, I can only get back--at BEST (and usually not even to that level)--to "never imagining her cheating AGAIN." Which is the exact state I would have been at when she cheated the first time. You'll never really trust as completely again.

2. The uncertainty would eat at me. She quit Instagram? Maybe she's got a secret Instagram account, or maybe Telegram or some other app/method.

3. The eating away at me would destroy my comfort in my marriage. It wouldn't be a happy situation for me any more. If you hate your job, you dread the thought of going back to work each day. Walking into my home each day would be like going to the job you hate.

4. I'd feel like I was playing "Policeman" all the time. She'd probably chafe under my vigilance. 

5. The time for "closure" was BEFORE you got married. You should have been number one, no doubts, when the two of you walked down the wedding aisle. This would tell me that my 7 years of marriage was a sham, that I was second fiddle, the backup plan. I refuse to be second fiddle and I refuse to live a sham relationship.

6. I also tend to agree with the prior posters that say she lost her desire for you when she turned it toward her ex....or maybe she never even had much for you, and you were always just a lifestyle choice who agreed to commit to her. I refuse to be used that way. Sexual desire is why you marry the opposite sex (or same sex for homosexual couples). If it's not there, it's not a marriage, it's a business arrangement of convenience. 

7. I also agree with the posters that this was pre-planned, and likely not even the first time. How else did she have a nude photo so ready to send him? She propositioned him immediately, with no hesitation--that's not the action of an unsure, emotionally confused woman who has never cheated before or is confused about her emotions. She knows what she wants, and her bravery with forging ahead suggests experience to me. 

8. There are almost 4 billion other women on this planet who have one crucial advantage over your wife---they've never cheated on you before. (and her proposition to her ex is cheating). You deserve better, and can likely find better.

9. There's a practical matter here. Since the outlook for a successful, happy relationship is bleak, then the sooner you end it, the better. You're only 7 years into the marriage. If you wait too long, your financial responsibilities toward her will grow, you likely will have to pay more alimony (since she doesn't work) and for longer, you'll have more accumulated assets/retirement for her to take from you in a divorce, and you'll be older and have less time to rebuild your life. Cutting it earlier almost always works out better for you in the divorce court, and since I think the divorce court is almost a guarantee, then cut if now. 


As you try to sort out what you will do next, I think you should ponder these questions. If I were in your situation, they would clearly direct me toward divorce now. In my view, I wouldn't really have another good choice. If you answer these points in a manner similar to me, then divorce would likely be the best choice for you too.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Your W calls you for permission to call her ex of 7 years ago because she's today reached a level of anxiety about the breakup of 7 yrs ago she just, my oh my (hand on forehead) just has to call him to fix herself?
> 
> What??, say again, what???
> 
> ...


100% agree. Her calling you about this "closure" was a red herring. 

It makes zero sense. A total lie.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> She didn’t want closure. That was a lie.
> 
> She wanted to “open up” again for her ex.


Yes. She wasn't getting enough quantity or quality from her husband and was trolling for sex. Maybe the ex was her first and easiest target, maybe not.

But either way, the closure was a red herring, planned out ahead of time, and once detonated, she went right for the jugular. And she would have gotten it, too, had she not been caught.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> Most are looking at how they can save the marriage that their spouse willingly threw away. Waiting for them to “get it”. Most often it’s the betrayed who doesn’t “get it”. It’s who they are. You can’t fix this.
> 
> The betrayed grasps at straws. Anything that seems plausible.


that is normal. People usually do NOT LIKE CHANGE. and dropping a partner you have been living with is a BIG CHANGE. Risky, ill defined, fraught with danger, costly as you lose half of the family income....

so yeah, a normal way to think is "can this be repaired, can the cheater be shown the error of their ways?"

Sadly, the cheating itself reveals a character flaw you did not know about. a flaw that would have stopped you from living with this person had you known about it. So...now you know about it...and YOU have the choice now...try to continue living with this flawed person, or try it again with someone potentially who is NOT a vile creature!


----------



## Vaughan (Aug 18, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


It was never the same for me. That special feeling was gone, and you will always wonder what she is up to and it will drive you crazy.

Sorry.


----------



## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

My only advice to you is to take the advice you receive on here with a grain of salt. These people are going to say "divorce" right away based on your story alone. They do not know your history, both good and bad. They do not know what is potentially going through her mind and only know what you've provided. Take the advice, but don't be so quick to turn this into "business" and kick her out. Really think about your actions before you take them.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> *Your W calls you for permission to call her ex of 7 years ago because she's today reached a level of anxiety about the breakup of 7 yrs ago *she just, my oh my (hand on forehead) just has to call him to fix herself?
> 
> What??, say again, what???


We’ve had a few threads from Husbands with wives wanting closure with some past relationship. Those usually start in the general section but almost always end up in the infidelity section. What kills me is how a husband doesn’t shut that BS down immediately. 

This woman has been married for 7 years and they have 2 kids together. How the hell does an old boyfriend effect her today? When she became your steady girlfriend, there should not have been any drama from her past. When she accepted to become your fiancé, there should definitely not have been any more drama from her past. When she said “I do,” at the wedding, her past should have become a very distant memory having zero impact on her. After having 2 of your kids, her past should be impossible to remember, let alone impact her emotionally. 

The question I have for these husbands that entertain the idea of their wife speaking with and sometimes even meeting with a past boyfriend or ex husband, is where are your balls? The only answer to such a question is a hard hell no, followed by does she want to continue being your wife because you’re now seriously considering divorce.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

JSmart - she wasn't looking for closure. She was looking for sex.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Gabriel said:


> JSmart - she wasn't looking for closure. She was looking for sex.


Let me understand this, you are saying she was trying to open up to the old BF as opposed to any closure? 😏


----------



## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> that is normal. People usually do NOT LIKE CHANGE. and dropping a partner you have been living with is a BIG CHANGE. Risky, ill defined, fraught with danger, costly as you lose half of the family income....
> 
> so yeah, a normal way to think is "can this be repaired, can the cheater be shown the error of their ways?"
> 
> Sadly, the cheating itself reveals a character flaw you did not know about. a flaw that would have stopped you from living with this person had you known about it. So...now you know about it...and YOU have the choice now...try to continue living with this flawed person, or try it again with someone potentially who is NOT a vile creature!


You're so right. It's hard, though, to learn that the person you loved was a figment of your imagination and that you've been living with a stranger. It's heartbreaking and natural to fight it. This kind of thing is so sad, because the person in the most pain is completely innocent and undeserving and the one who caused the pain feels nothing except possibly fear they'll lose someone they're using for comfort and convenience.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Gabriel said:


> JSmart - she wasn't looking for closure. She was looking for sex.


Gabe, I definitely agree. That is the case with all of these threads that start with my wife wants to talk / meet with some past boyfriend. My point is what’s up with these husbands that even entertain such a question? These husbands suppress their gut to be understanding? Allow it so they don’t seem controlling? 

These types of requests from a wife need to be taken very seriously because it is a precursor to adultery or in the case of a WW, is for logistics to take it further underground.

In the OP’s case, she was definitely on the hunt. She called him, she was first to bring up sex, she quickly gave him nude pics, and was the first to think strategically to hide their tracks by telling OM to hit her up on IG. If this guy was local, she would have been his free prostitute a long time ago.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jsmart said:


> Gabe, I definitely agree. That is the case with all of these threads that start with my wife wants to talk / meet with some past boyfriend. My point is what’s up with these husbands that even entertain such a question? These husbands suppress their gut to be understanding? Allow it so they don’t seem controlling?
> 
> These types of requests from a wife need to be taken very seriously because it is a precursor to adultery or in the case of a WW, is for logistics to take it further underground.
> 
> In the OP’s case, she was definitely on the hunt. She called him, she was first to bring up sex, she quickly gave him nude pics, and was the first to think strategically to hide their tracks by telling OM to hit her up on IG. If this guy was local, she would have been his free prostitute a long time ago.


Yep, I mean how obvious could it be??


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree— if they’re asking for closure, they’re literally telling you they still have an opening—- for their ex.

the fat man and little boy should be dropped with malice at even the suggestion of that. But the mere suggestion let’s one know what’s in their head. Probably should drop the D as well as the anger.


----------



## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

I was amazed that you gave her permission to go for closure. Really? If my wife of many decades asked me if she could meet with an ex for closure, the only closure she would get would be the door hitting her in the a$$ on the way out.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You're so right. It's hard, though, to learn that the person you loved was a figment of your imagination and that you've been living with a stranger. It's heartbreaking and natural to fight it. This kind of thing is so sad, because the person in the most pain is completely innocent and undeserving and the one who caused the pain feels nothing except possibly fear they'll lose someone they're using for comfort and convenience.


jeez. sounds bad.
i wish i could send you a big fruit cake or something...
you have our sympathy


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Still with us?


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

HuktonFoniks said:


> My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. We have two kids together and no catastrophic low points yet. Over the last year my parents got real sick, my dad with Parkinson’s and my mom with cancer. My dad is living with one of my sisters at the moment and I’m gone every other week to take my mother to her chemo appointments. I’ve put dreams on the back burner and put my wants on the back burner. I had started writing a book here and there. My wife encouraged me to start writing again while I’m away with nothing to do but sit in a hotel room and take my mom to appointments. So I brought our laptop with me, which is linked to her phone. She called me earlier this evening while she was having a mild anxiety attack talking about the reason she feels like she is so messed up is because of an ex and ask what I think about her contacting him for some sort of closure. I said if that’s what you feel you need to do to get it I’ll support you and I trust you. She calls me an hour later, tells me they just got off the phone and he opened up about their bad breakup and the reason it was bad and how he’s sought therapy since then. I said do you feel like you got your closure? She said yes. I said great now leave it at that. I continue writing, another hour goes by and messages from an unknown number appear. The first message was a thank you from my wife and the second one was also from her asking him what he thought it would be like to have sex with each other. He responded the way a guy would. And this conversation went on and he sent a nude photo of himself. Now I would not consider myself an ugly man. Yeah I’m kinda rockin the dad bod a little bit but this guy must live at the gym. She responds and a few minutes later sends a nude photo of her self with a message saying something for you to look at and you know, do what guys do in the bathroom. He responds and she says it would be amazing to be together to feel the emotions while being f***ed. then he says he lives out of state now but he’ll be visiting sometime in the future. Her response said let me know when you come to town but message me on instagram first. In the course of 4 hours my life went from a devoted father and husband and son, to a guy up at 1 in the morning with doctor visits in 8 hours because I can’t sleep. My mother in the next bed over fighting cancer and now I have to worry if she will act on this the next time I bring my mother for treatments. I haven’t messaged her since the last phone call we had. I’ve been watching the texts come in getting the involuntary shakes wondering what to do. I’ve debated going to her mothers before I go home and filling her in on this and telling her to clear room for her, but then I have my kids and I can’t be away from them any longer than I already have to be. My trust is gone. I’m tempted to just say we stay together for appearances for the kids but even that would be hard. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m crushed.


Dude, I understand that you're having a hard time with this and you have every right to feel angry and whatnot; and that you want to generalize women...but, 
Thinking like that is what messed up my relationship with my husband in part. He thinks all women are emotional, irrational and all 'complain'. I was treated like 'every other woman'. He didn't take the things I had to say seriously, and my relationship has suffered from it. You really need to shift your thinking in that regard. Don't generalize women for ONE woman's actions.


----------



## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

Once a cheater, always a cheater! This is the hard truth. Even if your wife moves heaven and earth to regain your trust it will never be the same. You will always remember this day and wonder what else she's done behind your back. You will never be able to let your guard down. You caught her this time but what if you hadn't?? I have no doubt she would've done more than sharing nude pics. This was no "fantasy". She acted out in a very intimate way that is basically the same as having a physical affair - they saw each other nude. What should you do? See an attorney and do a formal separation, including all assets. This is to protect yourself and your ability to take care of your kids. People who act out with exes usually do the same with finances! Your wife had no thought about you because she didn't think she was going to get caught. This was a total negation of you and the marriage. She has shown her true colors. Do not fall for crying and pleading. Remember that she boldly lied to you and laughed while she was doing it. This is a serious character disorder and likely an integral part of who she is. You sound like a caring and giving person and that may have mitigated her behavior before this event. But the minute your attention had to be on someone else, she acted out. She is not worthy of you. You and your kids deserve better.


----------



## BellaV (Nov 23, 2021)

All women are not like your wife. You're hurting right now and it is understandable to feel like you do. But please know there are really good women out there who are faithful, caring and kind like you.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Women are NOT evil. Some of them are.
As much as some evil men.
That said, you got a not very good one.
Fix that. Whithout becoming a not so good yourself.
And learn to choose better when the time comes.


----------



## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

HuktonFoniks said:


> The kids are all I can think about right now.


As you should.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> @HuktonFoniks Has your wife ever had any kind of apparent emotional or anxiety issues over her previous relationship or any undue baggage over their relationship and break up, or is the first time out of the blue that she has had any kind issue with it?
> 
> Has she had any previous trouble with anxiety or emotional problems or any kind of mental disorders or mental history?
> 
> Has she ever been under a doctor's or mental health professional's care for mental/emotional/anxiety issues before?





HuktonFoniks said:


> Yea to all that



Sorry, I missed your reply to my questions the other day. 

If this is all part of her history and a pattern for her, then the first thing you need to do is really think long and hard about whether you even want to continue this marriage or not. 

Sure, she can delete this particular guy's Facebook and email and phone number etc, but all she has to do is undelete it the next time she feels the urge. 

And as she has a history emotional/mental issues, if it's not this guy it will just be some other guy or some other maladaptive issue. She can say that she won't get with this guy again, but what about tomorrow, or next week or next year and some other guy down the street? Are you wanting to be her Vagina Control Officer forever? 

And if you are fully supporting her, are you going to want to play Captain-Save-A-Ho forever and have to feed and clothe and keep another able bodied adult off of the street forever? 

Is the juice going to be worth the squeeze here? 

If she comes up with this kind of whackadoodle plans and goes through this kind of trouble to talk to an old boyfriend from 7 years ago, what's she going to do next??????

Is this where you want to be when Jesus comes back???


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

jsmart said:


> We’ve had a few threads from Husbands with wives wanting closure with some past relationship. Those usually start in the general section but almost always end up in the infidelity section. What kills me is how a husband doesn’t shut that BS down immediately.
> 
> This woman has been married for 7 years and they have 2 kids together. How the hell does an old boyfriend effect her today? When she became your steady girlfriend, there should not have been any drama from her past. When she accepted to become your fiancé, there should definitely not have been any more drama from her past. When she said “I do,” at the wedding, her past should have become a very distant memory having zero impact on her. After having 2 of your kids, her past should be impossible to remember, let alone impact her emotionally.
> 
> The question I have for these husbands that entertain the idea of their wife speaking with and sometimes even meeting with a past boyfriend or ex husband, is where are your balls? The only answer to such a question is a hard hell no, followed by does she want to continue being your wife because you’re now seriously considering divorce.


I just don't get this 'closure' thing. Especially after marriage and children.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get this 'closure' thing. Especially after marriage and children.


I don't think it is actually a thing at all. 

When people look up an ex under the guise of "closur", I think it is really to see if they stand a chance now.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

The talk of closure is a ruse to manipulate the husband. Play on his concern for her emotional well being. It’s also part of the delusion that WWs perform on themselves. Give a veneer of innocence to their actions. Kind of like many WWs put themselves into situation they know will lead to sex but then claim it just happened, to their BHs when confronted. The ploy often works because so many of us men want to believe our wives were innocent victims that were just taken advantage of by some evil OM but men need to see it for what their wives are really saying. I want to give my ex another chance to see if it goes somewhere.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not that evidence serves any legal purpose, but at least you know what you have there and there's no doubt. I think since you already have the goods, you should tell her at once you saw all that, if for no other reason, then to curtail the activity before they try to actually get together. Buy some time to get an attorney if that's what you need to do OR make a marriage counselor appointment. She's still got a thing for this guy. Doesn't mean she doesn't care about you, but it's a huge betrayal, and that's not very substantive love. I would act now. I see no point in continuing to watch the train wreck when you could probably put a stop to it right now.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Closure is something a person gives to themself. You don’t “get that” from another person!

She is playing with you. She needs to go.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> I don't think it is actually a thing at all.
> 
> When people look up an ex under the guise of "closur", I think it is really to see if they stand a chance now.


Yep, this is cheaterspeak. Closure really means just what she did. She texted him and opened up an exchange of nudes and offered him some tail.

Him? He’s ugly. Truth: I think he’s hot as hell.
I just need closure…. Truth: I’ve been daydreaming about slapping nasties with him again for years.

Again, this is not the first time this woman has attempted to step out. She has nudes at ready and a quick method of using Instagram which is one of many apps used for cheating.

OP needs to hit the flashing red abort button and get out of this “marriage”.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yep, this is cheaterspeak. Closure really means just what she did. She texted him and opened up an exchange of nudes and offered him some tail.
> 
> Him? He’s ugly. Truth: I think he’s hot as hell.
> I just need closure…. Truth: I’ve been daydreaming about slapping nasties with him again for years.
> ...


It's actually quite insidious. When someone seeks an ex for "closure", it's to see if the reasons and conditions for the break up still apply or if the playing field is different now to where they may be able to jockey for position again. 

It goes something like this -

Her - "I've been thinking about the past a lot and some of the times we had and wonder what happened with us."

Him - "I wasn't ready to settle down then." 

Her - "But why wasn't I good enough and why did you get with those other girls? We they prettier and sexier than me?" 

Him - "Oh no, you were hot and great!!! I was just young and dumb and got stupid. You and I had great times together and I still think about you all the time and think about the great times we had and what a smoke'n hot body you have." 

Her- " well that smoke'n hot body is a little saggy now after a couple kids."

Him - "I'll be the judge of that!! I bet you still have it goin' on and I bet you can still make a strong man turn to a bowl of jello in an earthquake with your mouth. Does your husband at least pay you back after good BJ."

Her - " Ha ha I wish!" He hasn't gone down on me in years. 

Him - "Oh that ain't right. A woman like you deserves a man that can treat you right and give you the love and passion you deserve. If I was with you I would_________________"

You can see where this goes and see how this works. 

It was jockeying for position since Square One. It was never about finding out about why the break up occured to come to terms with it and acceptance with it............. it was to see if the conditions of the break up were still applicable and to see if there is any chemistry and opportunity still there.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

@HuktonFoniks how are you holding up? I know it can be overwhelming to learn that your wife was plotting a betrayal while you’re going through a very emotional time with a parent. Luckily you caught this before it took off but I’m sure in your heart it’s not much of a consolation when you know in your gut that if this guy were local, she would already have been his plaything.

How is she behaving? Is she trying to make amends or is she playing victim? I hope you’re taking care of your health and not hitting the bottle. Self medicating is not the answer. TAM is here when you’re ready to share, vent or need someone to bounce ideas off of.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

HuktonFoniks said:


> @jonty30 sound advice. Don’t know how possible it is or if I would even want to bother working on it with her. She’s saying how stupid she was and how she messed up and crying and right now I just have no sympathy. Maybe when it’s not so fresh that could be a possibility, how hard is it to trust someone again after something like this though?


No F'n sympathy!! WTF! You should be sympathetic toward her wanting to F her Ex! She has no freakin clue.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

HuktonFoniks said:


> Just saying it’s something I’ve always heard. Doesn’t seem so far fetched from my point of view.


My wife says a woman can be more vindictive and cunning than a man ever thought about. She does not get along with other women well. We are both concerned for our sons' futures with the kinds of women that are prevalent in todays times.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I just don't get this 'closure' thing. Especially after marriage and children.


It is just a flash word for I want to meet up with Ex and see where the feelings take us, ig they are still there.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> My wife says a woman can be more vindictive and cunning than a man ever thought about. She does not get along with other women well. We are both concerned for our sons' futures with the kinds of women that are prevalent in todays times.


Teach your sons to be quick in breaking with relationships when it starts turning badly.
It's better to be alone than feel like you're alone.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I believe her closure statement.
I do.

She wanted to try him out again to see if her memory of him in bed was as good as she thought.

And, I bet there were certain sexual fantasies that she wished she had done with him before their breakup.

Once she physically sated her longing thoughts, by romping with him a half dozen times, she would then be your wife again. That was her plan.

If she fell in love with the guy again, all bets would be off. 

This fantasy of hers was _specific to this man_ only.
I sense this.

Those 'lost loves' lurk in the darkest corners of our psyche.
Umm.




_King Brian-_


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you have some good advice given above.
one thought, it seems very callous for her to pull this stuff right when you are having all these personal issues.
but that was not really her intention. what really was going on was she was very horny, and fantasizing about sex with other men. probably for quite some time.
then you suddenly were not at home all the time, and a window of opportunity opened up...she could go have some fun without having to make up excuses why you were not at home.
it is probably that simple. not much comfort, but her timing was not designed to hurt you the most, it was timing that just happened since you were gone for long periods of time--a window of opportunity for her.

having the nude pics ready, and her quick escalation texting him for physical sex...that is the result of her fantasizing about sex for a long period of time, and her mind was already set up to just do it. She did not think thru the consequences, she was just so horny at the moment that she did it almost without thinking


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

HuktonFoniks said:


> If throwing her out like garbage was an option I wouldn’t have felt the need to make a post in hopes of feeling some sort of unity with someone in a similar situation, something so I wouldn’t feel like I’m facing this alone. Some advice on how it can get better and the big one, what now? I have doubt now for everything she says, if she told me the sky was blue I’d be skeptical. This woman is the love of my life and she broke me 5 hours ago. I’m lost and I need an adult. The kids are all I can think about right now. To answer your other questions, she says she was just acting out a fantasy and it didn’t mean anything. Yeah, that thought you just had after ready that. That’s my thought too.


My wife says if it did not mean anything then why has she been having panic attacks the past 7 yrs. 

Wife said it is gonna hurt no matter what, move on and you will find someone who will make you forget about her ass. My wifes 1st hubby of 10 yrs was a serial cheater and she finally walked away and filed divorce.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

jsmart said:


> The talk of closure is a ruse to manipulate the husband. Play on his concern for her emotional well being. It’s also part of the delusion that WWs perform on themselves. Give a veneer of innocence to their actions. Kind of like many WWs put themselves into situation they know will lead to sex but then claim it just happened, to their BHs when confronted. The ploy often works because so many of us men want to believe our wives were innocent victims that were just taken advantage of by some evil OM but men need to see it for what their wives are really saying. I want to give my ex another chance to see if it goes somewhere.


once again, it is likely an extension of a series of sexual fantasies. From some trashy novel, or online, or some movie...they were conditioned to enjoy the thought of risque sex. So maybe she drinks too much at a girls night out, dances with guys she knows she shouldn't (but the thrill is building), goes out to the parking lot with a guy that is clearly horny....but then pretends she "blacked out" or something.

there was another recent thread on how female porn watching is damaging. for some...specifically those who can not separate fact from fantasy...it just might be! puts too many subconscious thoughts and sexual triggers into your brain.


----------



## georgel316000 (Nov 3, 2021)

Any update? I hope you are doing ok.


----------



## Thumos (Jul 21, 2020)

You will never look at her the same way again. Never. Trust me on this. You will look at her and see her for who she truly is. Even if she's objectively beautiful, her beauty will be permanently tarnished in your eyes. Ask me how I know. And if she was willing to do all of this so easily, so casually, so blithely in a matter of moments ... just think what she's been up to the entire time you've been married! You've seen the REAL her now, not the curated version she carefully presented to you over the years, and that slime doesn't wash off.

The real woman you're married to just showed herself. You'd better believe her. She's exactly the kind of woman who would scheme about how to be penetrated by another man while stone cold lying to your face about it, and then laughing. Think this through. She was setting up a tryst, where she was likely to have unprotected sex with this man. Then she was going to come home to you and act like nothing happened. That's exactly who she is, and you'd best not forget it.

Look up betrayal trauma (and see if you can find a betrayal trauma specialist in your region). It's why you've been shaking. You've been traumatized, and the long-term health implications are actually quite serious. You're going to be dealing with the fallout from this for years. If your kids are young, and you are young, you're probably much better off getting out.

This woman is NOT the love of your life. Of that I can assure you. Also, she hasn't broken you. You aren't broken. She is.

This is for later: You are young, and there are many fine women out there who would never do this to you. Never. You are married to someone who is entitled and has very little regard for you as a human being. Next her, and move on.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Thumos said:


> You will never look at her the same way again. Never. Trust me on this. You will look at her and see her for who she truly is. Even if she's objectively beautiful, her beauty will be permanently tarnished in your eyes. Ask me how I know. And if she was willing to do all of this so easily, so casually, so blithely in a matter of moments ... just think what she's been up to the entire time you've been married! You've seen the REAL her now, not the curated version she carefully presented to you over the years, and that slime doesn't wash off.


Also what she is doing when you have no idea where she might be or even where she might be even if she told you beforehand.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Thumos said:


> You will never look at her the same way again. Never. Trust me on this. You will look at her and see her for who she truly is. Even if she's objectively beautiful, her beauty will be permanently tarnished in your eyes. Ask me how I know. And if she was willing to do all of this so easily, so casually, so blithely in a matter of moments ... just think what she's been up to the entire time you've been married! You've seen the REAL her now, not the curated version she carefully presented to you over the years, and that slime doesn't wash off.
> 
> The real woman you're married to just showed herself. You'd better believe her. She's exactly the kind of woman who would scheme about how to be penetrated by another man while stone cold lying to your face about it, and then laughing. Think this through. She was setting up a tryst, where she was likely to have unprotected sex with this man. Then she was going to come home to you and act like nothing happened. That's exactly who she is, and you'd best not forget it.
> 
> ...


yeah, right ? I think you are accurate


----------



## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Hunton,

I hope all is going as well as may be reasonably expected for you under all the circumstances you're facing (parent's and your wife).

I'm not going to tell you to divorce her or to stay with her.

I will say that you should NOT just rug sweep this and be done with it.

This needs to be dealt with and that won't be a quick or an easy fix. It will take a few years at least and sadly the odds are really good that this was just the tip of the proverbial iceberg with your wife in terms of her transgressions so that needs to be dealt with too.

I really do wish the best for you going forward.


----------

