# Husband Calls ex-girlfriend daily



## lmw (Dec 26, 2011)

New here..not sure if this is the right forum but here goes..

I am concerned because my husband of four years calls and sees his ex-girlfriend on a daily basis. I know she still has feelings for him because she has told me this. He hides the fact that he calls her etc unless I happen to be near his phone when she returns one of his calls. Although, I have to say, that now I am checking the phone calls online nearly every day. It is driving me crazy. If there is nothing there then why feel the need to talk to her. When I try to talk to him about it and tell him that he is hurting me and being disrespectful he says that I am the one being disrespectful. That he is a grown man and shouldn't be checked up on. He is very different since he's been talking to her daily (about a year now). Our sex life is down to nearly nothing..he says it's because he's tired, that he still loves me. I feel that my needs, physical and emotional, are not being met. We live in a small town and people see him stopping by the store where she works every night on his way home from work...I have even had people ask me when we got divorced and he started seeing her..of course, I have to say..we are not divorced and it is humiliating..
Does anyone think that I am over reacting? I don't know what else to do or how to handle this anymore..

Frustrated :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## lmw (Dec 26, 2011)

thank you...


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

Has he got kids with his ex. I think you should put your foot down you are very brave for holding on for a year. There shoudnt be any contact with exs from either side unless children are involved even then it should be only to arrange visits and emergencies. His playing you for and your letting him get away with it. Give him the ultimatium you or his ex if he chooses her then you should be strong enough to walk away and move on because he will be wrong not you. He wont stop unless you make it stop he may be a grown man but his also a married man stop this before its to late. Good luck


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## lmw (Dec 26, 2011)

No, he does not have children with her. If I had that much contact with my ex husband he would be furious. Recently, he took something that I had told him in confidence and told her. She then used that to hurt me. I told him that was a horrible betrayal and that I felt that, even if there is nothing physical going on, that I feel he is emotionally attached to this woman. That he is being disrespectful to me. We have three small children and I have been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but I am losing patience. I absolutely hate arguing but I am so tired of pretending that it's ok...I know what I need to do...just hard.
Thanks for the advice.


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

You need to walk away sorry to be the one to say it but you need it he should be ashamed of himself. It will be hard but you need to be strong so many of us women ignore arguments and hold on to hope that one day things wil change but when they dont thats when we realise that we have been wasting our time. Be strong and let him know that you are his wife she is his ex and he should respect you as his wife and the mother of his children if he diputes the fact of having contact with this other woman then that just shows what kind of man he really is. sorry your going through this


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

No you're not over reacting - to be blunt you're a doormat for putting up with it for a year. 

I was thinking to myself "hardcore emotional affair" until you said, "people see him stopping by the store where she works every night on his way home from work..." With that statement the odds a full blown emotional and physical affair skyrocketed. You need to get yourself over to the infidelity section stat and get some advice on how to proceed. You've got a tough road ahead of you and you're going to hear some tough advice over there. They know what they're talking about - listen to them.

You've already admitted that he wouldn't tolerate it from you if you were doing this with your Ex - don't let it go on any longer.

Edit to add: You have to decided that you are determined that you will not tolerate his behavior any longer - consequences be damned. Once you decide that, get your evidence and confront him, he is not going to quit his EA or EA/PA because you asked him to. He's going to be pissed, blame you, tell you you're a controlling b!tch, probably threaten to leave you, and do all other kinds of crazy crap. Be ready and be committed. He will continue on trying to have his cake and eat it to as long as you will tolerate it - as someone who had an EA I promise you this.

Best of luck.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow - not over reacting.

What he is doing is both disrespectful of you, and your marriage, but also just plain hurtful.

I really suggest you refuse to tolerate this from him. Either he stops or you leave. What he is doing is carrying a flame for her, while married to you.

It's humiliating for him to carry on this way.

Like others have said, he will fight and call you controlling, ridiculous etc. Ignore that and stay strong. Refuse to be the other woman in your own marriage.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Wow, no overreacting there, he has been disrespecting you and your marriage and is very likely in at least an EA, and very possibly a PA with the ex. At this point, it's best to start gathering as much evidence as you can and after that, if you do find anything solid, tell him that you will not tolerate his actions and that you are ready to go if he won't stop his affair. 

He will likely try to fight you on it, but stand your ground. Good luck.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

*Recently, he took something that I had told him in confidence and told her. She then used that to hurt me. *

Holy crap you are a better person than I am because my H would no longer be walking if that happened!!!! (Exaggerating a bit of course) But for real, if my H told his Ex something that I told him in confidence, there would not even be any talking about it, he should def know better. Any idiot knows you don't do that, of course any idiot knows that if you're married you don't talk to your ex, except for maybe a "hey how you doin?". Like you said before, you know what you need to do, but I know it's hard....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's cheating. You're not overreacting.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Imw, he's not talking to his ex girlfriend. He's talking to his girlfriend...


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

:iagree:


DanF said:


> Imw, he's not talking to his ex girlfriend. He's talking to his girlfriend...


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## lmw (Dec 26, 2011)

Thank you all..this is my 2nd marriage and I am strong enough to walk away and am in the process of making arrangements financially..just really hurt and never thought I'd be in this situation again...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Been there, done that.
Left the marriage, moved out, expressed my (valid) feelings that it was an emotional affair and could bring nothing positive to our marriage, and that he needed to cut ties and choose between using his time and energy towards our family and marriage or to keep siphoning off my energy for something that could never benefit US. 
From what I can see, he chose the real marriage vs. her but one never knows. From what I can experience, I don't feel a huge energy drain and he does seem to be more present than he used to be and to enjoy a pleasant and fulfilling day to day life. What your H is doing to you is emotionally abusive because he knows it bothers you and you have voiced your feelings to him, but he continues to do this. He had a sexual relationship with her before (I'm guessing...you said gf...) and it is affecting your ability to enjoy marital sex with him and his companionship which is something you deserve as a right in your marriage. He is asking you to be abusive to yourself in accepting that he does this, when he has the wherewithal to cease all contact. That's not something your best buddy and life partner should ask of you. It's not something I would do to myself, and I put my body exactly in the place where life was how I wanted it, which was not in our house. My H saw that I was serious and changed his ways. This was after 4 years of his behavior and he lied about the modes of contact as well as frequency and so forth. An affair doesn't have to be sexual in order to be problemmatic and unhealthy to a couple. It doesn't even have to be with opposite sex, it could be with a buddy, a hobby, overwork, finances, dangerous habits like speeding or texting while driving, smoking, not taking care of one's physical health, alcohol, addictive computer games, etc.

Follow your gut and when you close the door close it firmly but if you are open to a relationship with your H do not burn bridges. The point is to get your life the way you want it, I am all for sticking up for what you want in a married relationship, if you have used words and expressed your feelings and it didn't work then physically sending the message that you are going to take care of yourself emotionally and give yourself the environment and home life you deserve is best. He might actually be enjoying the attention you give him due to the phone calls and doesn't know how to recognize or acknowledge his need for attention from you and so keeps doing what has worked. I have often said that for a lot of people negative attention is just as good as positive attention. It is almost like cutting behavior...the negative attention lets him know he exists and that someone cares about him. It's a way of keeping another close to you to alleviate various insecurities and inadequacies. The fact that the other woman builds him up and probably lends him a sympathetic ear when he complains about your 'nagging' (expressing feelings to him) aids in this. She can feel useful the way a lot of women like to feel useful and saintly and loving. I'll bet almost anything when she has to listen to him about how his wife left him and deal with him when he turns to her for sympathy, she'll firmly establish her identity as his ex and become strangely busy with work, etc.

Meanwhile, you can get IC because it is never a bad idea when you come up against these frustrating situations where you end up with people doing hurtful things and then messing with your reality telling you that you're ummmmm, being 'paranoid' and that YOU are 'insecure'. It's a bunch of BS you're being fed of course, but therapy can help you call it when it happens and put a lid on it without having to resort to the extremes you find yourself in now (and the extremes I went to as well). Moving is a huge hassle, but it can be quite LIBERATING. There's no need for a woman to stay in a marraige that's overly crowded with past conquests. (He should learn to have a better imagination and to keep it to himself, like a mature adult. For whatever reason, I think us women have better skills at this, probably because men can be so sensitive when it comes to sexual performance and other desirabilities.)


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

lmw said:


> Thank you all..this is my 2nd marriage and I am strong enough to walk away and am in the process of making arrangements financially..just really hurt and never thought I'd be in this situation again...


:smthumbup: Good for you, it will be hard, but you can do it, I'm sorry that it's happening though. Good luck!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lmw said:


> Thank you all..this is my 2nd marriage and I am strong enough to walk away and am in the process of making arrangements financially..just really hurt and never thought I'd be in this situation again...


I first want to say that I'm really sorry you're going through this. I know the hurt that is caused when your spouse puts someone else in front of you. My heart breaks for you right now and I hope you can reconcile with your current husband.

That being said, please use this as a learning experience. Your biggest mistake is not setting your boundaries early when this first started. I'm not trying to beat you up, I did the same thing before my wife had an affair. But once an emotional connection is started, it's very difficult for the wayward spouse to think clearly. In the future, set your boundaries up front, be very unforgiving with those boundaries, and don't allow slack when they are crossed.

There is a book called "Love must be Tough" by James Dobson that helped me in this a lot. It's what gave me the strength to walk out on my wife and what lead to her to being honest about her affair. I wish I would have walked out sooner. Appeasement and trying to work it out when your spouse isn't regarding your feelings can make it that much harder to stay together.

Your husband is involved in an EA and possibly a PA, he's going to rationalize any arguments you have. What he can't rationalize is if you leave and let him know clearly that the reason you are is because he is still talking to this woman. Then it becomes his choice on who to choose. There's another active thread on the board, very similar to your situation, might help to read through.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/36044-please-help-i-want-save-my-marriage.html

I hope that no matter what happens, you come out of this stronger and with hope for your future. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sounds like they are having an affair. 

What are you going to do?


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