# how do i deal with this loneliness?



## KRinOnt (Oct 19, 2010)

My wife left me for someone else a few weeks ago. I am so lonely. My two kids are here with me. They are wonderful and understanding, but they are hurting in their own way. hey have been supportive, but I have to be strong. They should be leaning on me, not the other way around. Nights and mornings are the worst. When the house is dark and quiet. There are no distractions. I have way too much time to think. I can't get through a minute of the day without thinking of her and missing her. We were together 21 years and married for the past 17. I would have ended it all weeks ago were it not for my children. She has damaged them enough. I will not make it worse for them by leaving them too. Besides, that would mean leaving them to be raised by her and her trailer park trash boyfriend. She's not fit to raise them the way she is now. I just want this loneliness to end.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

I can totally relate to your story. My husband left me for another woman and we have a child that is almost 2 years old. When I busted his affair in the open he just filed for divorce and now we are officially divorced. I never even got a proper explanation what really happened. No apology, no nothing. And I sacrificed so much of me for him to have a success. Now he is acting as if nothing happened between us. He is almost too relaxed.

I go through hell and back on most days. I try to move on with my life but the hurt consumes me. Sometimes tears would come to my eyes out of the blue.

I am hoping this will not last forever. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. I don't care how bad your marriage was, if you don't like it leave first then find someone else.

And try to keep your postings on one thread. It is easier for people to follow it and to help you better.

Just remember there are lots of people out there going through the same thing. I am starting to think that this infidelity business is an epidemic now.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Lonliness is painful. Like you, my evenings are the worse. My mornings are pretty much booked with getting ready for work, starting laundry, making the bed, house cleaning and such. (Yes, I am a single man living alone). I have been through this once before, and now I am going through it again.

I get to see my 4 YO daughter once every Sunday. Her and I are very close. Everybody can tell that she is a daddy's girl. She cries (so do I) when it comes time for her to go home.

You have your kids at home. That is a blessing. Keep them close, remember to give them hugs every chance that you get. Stay strong, their emotions and feelings will be reflected by yours. Get more active if you can. Take your kids out to McD's once or twice a week. Take them to the Library, go to the park as often as you can. Make cleaning time fun time. They will be your strength, as you will be theirs.

Be patient, for in time, the right woman will come your way. In the meantime, let your relationship with your children continue to grow stronger.


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## watt_hapnd (Aug 14, 2010)

I lean on my 2 young children, they lean on me. All we have is each other and we like it that way. 
We talk about how much pain we have and crying does help us too. We sleep in my room together and until we are all ok emotionally I know we will be able to deal with this on our own. 
My depression and loneliness was to spend money. Thankfully I can become a scrooge with it and so i learned my limits of spending and it helped heaps. I wouldnt quite recommend it myself as it was looked at like if it were gambling or a drinking problem. 
I didnt make myself go down too deep and bring my kids down with me. I handled myself pretty well (i think)
The more time my H left us alone the more we got use to being by ourselves. And the more times he saw us being together being happy the more times he felt he wasnt good enough. He didnt try and make himself fit into our happiness although we always welcomed him. but always made me feel that he wanted things either his way or the way it use to be. 
We hurt still everyday but we still have each other. We are not afraid to express how we feel towards him and to let him know. 
We and I did nothing wrong to him. And we made sure he was reminded of that. 
I guess you could say mine and my childrens togetherness was our revenge towards him.


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

It sounds like you are in a situation a friend of mine is in. He is very hurt and she ran off with her trailer park boy friend. You will take the higher road. 

Sorry for how crappy this must be. I can't imagine my husband walking out on me. Total burn to me. You will get better and your kids will have a good life. Keep expressing your love to them. 

My mom walked out on my dad when I was 13 years old. I was really sad for him, what was to happen in my future, but as long as he was honest with me, and kept talking to me, I felt cared for. (then he met someone else and she became my nemesis because they were selfish people). I haven't had a conversation with my dad since she cam along!! As long as you can keep your love for your kids, and stand up for their rights, everyone will do good.

You will figure it out. I know it!


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

remmons said:


> Be patient, for in time, the right woman will come your way. In the meantime, let your relationship with your children continue to grow stronger.


I just wanted to comment about this quote. Though I know you have good intentions about the facts of loneliness, I don't relate to the point here about how you should let your relationship with your children grow *until* you meet a new woman. This is not good advice for men. This is where it is very very easy for men to fail with their kids. Men cannot have the mentality of 'now i focus on my kids but when the woman comes, I will focus on her'.

The problem is when a man meets a woman, she will have many many needs. men can't possibly meet all the needs of a new marriage and all the insecurities/issues to iron out *and *make a good home for your kids at the same time. Man tries to make woman happy because they have to (or woman is pissed off) and it becoems even harder to take care of kids, then, she has problems with the kids, then you are more torn and into the relationship. 

dr laura is the best on this. if anyone is strong enough to follow her amazing advice (if separated, don't remarry or even date until kids are out of the house), so much avoided heart ache. strong empowered kids. and probably more respect from you kids. i do not respect my dad for remarrying, listening to all her nonsense. i tell you, it was easy for my dad to fall into this because as i see it, being married myself, women need constant attention from their suitor. and when there's kids... um competition!!

Always keep your kids first, not the special woman that comes along one day. Way too soon, your kids will be in university/college and you can do whatever the hell you want. Kids will grow up confused, and spending a lot of energy figuring themselves out because their dad's wife is so controlling and he just can't stop it (naturally so).

That being said... I don't know what I would actually do.... I would want to meet someone but know this advice in my heart. I don't know if I could take that higher road, but would want to, whoever does is the wisest human ever! For your kids, to give them everything you can, this would be the best. It's not our kids' fault to be stuck in the middle of all that nonsense, the most we can do is create the next best stable environment possible for them.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Candystripes said:


> I just wanted to comment about this quote. Though I know you have good intentions about the facts of loneliness, I don't relate to the point here about how you should let your relationship with your children grow *until* you meet a new woman. This is not good advice for men. This is where it is very very easy for men to fail with their kids. Men cannot have the mentality of 'now i focus on my kids but when the woman comes, I will focus on her'.
> 
> The problem is when a man meets a woman, she will have many many needs. men can't possibly meet all the needs of a new marriage and all the insecurities/issues to iron out *and *make a good home for your kids at the same time. Man tries to make woman happy because they have to (or woman is pissed off) and it becoems even harder to take care of kids, then, she has problems with the kids, then you are more torn and into the relationship.
> 
> ...


Sounds fair. Thus far, I have (almost) spoiled my little girl. I will give her anything that she wants, within reason. Since she is only four, there is no demand for hi-tech gadgets or blingy trinkets. But eventually, she will grow up.

I can agree with you on the point where the kids from the first relationship can, and will be ignored, while trying to maintain a relationship with the current spouse. I have done this, and my kids have suffered greatly because of this. I have talked more to my children in the past two months than I ever have in the five years before that. This was because of my wife wanting to control everything and everyone around her. (I have stories about this, but it is better saved for another topic).

I still want to have another relationship, but knowing the risks involved of putting aside your precious time with kids, I think that I would rather just keep it as an occasional date and nothing steady (if this is possible). Heck, evem my oldest son and daughter are talking to me now! We weren't really on speaking terms since I got remarried.


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

I am so happy for that news!! I am not surprised your son and daughter are talking to you again. Kids get stuck in places they don't want to be stuck in. Awesome!!! It's never too late to make things work with your kids. I tell you, this relieves me, knowing the hurt that stays with me, someone out there is doing it right. 

then, what to do with loneliness and wives leaving? didn't want to stray too far from the original post.


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## remmons (Dec 20, 2010)

Candystripes said:


> I am so happy for that news!! I am not surprised your son and daughter are talking to you again. Kids get stuck in places they don't want to be stuck in. Awesome!!! It's never too late to make things work with your kids. I tell you, this relieves me, knowing the hurt that stays with me, someone out there is doing it right.
> 
> then, what to do with loneliness and wives leaving? didn't want to stray too far from the original post.


Yes, this is good news! I am excited to resume my relationship with my children. In fact, all four of them from my first marriage are all talking to me again, and I feel so warm from within. They had told me from early on in my new marriage that my wife was controlling. It wasn't until AFTER my wife and I had separated that I had found this out.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Kind of off-topic, but I feel that Dr. Laura is so friggin wrong.
> At least part of the time.
> If a marriage has broken up because of abusive or addictive behavior, or uncontrolled mental illness, I feel that of course the kids and the 'healthy' parent deserve to become a whole family again, and if that means remarriage, I see absolutely nothing in it that even remotely resembles foregoing the so-called high (and needlessly martyred) road.
> 
> Edited to add: I think that leaving your spouse without explanation for a boyfriend would qualify as abusive. Also, being in a depressed mood isn't conducive to dating unless you are lucky enough to have an absolutel angel drop into your life (that could happen...) so better to get help first and find the (hopefully) likeable person you were before you got trampled on.


I will not deny that I was not Mr. Right for my wife, but then again, I wasn't Mr. Wrong either. My wife and I had a wonderful relationship, or so I thought. I loved and accepted her for who and what she was. She was a good person with good intentions, or at least that was what I had perceived. I have attended some of her counseling sessions with her. I knew that she was working on some issues from her past, but I had no idea as to how deep they were.

Anyway, I have strayed off-topic here, so my appologies.



KRinOnt said:


> My wife left me for someone else a few weeks ago. I am so lonely. My two kids are here with me. They are wonderful and understanding, but they are hurting in their own way. hey have been supportive, but I have to be strong. They should be leaning on me, not the other way around. Nights and mornings are the worst. When the house is dark and quiet. There are no distractions. I have way too much time to think. I can't get through a minute of the day without thinking of her and missing her. We were together 21 years and married for the past 17. I would have ended it all weeks ago were it not for my children. She has damaged them enough. I will not make it worse for them by leaving them too. Besides, that would mean leaving them to be raised by her and her trailer park trash boyfriend. She's not fit to raise them the way she is now. I just want this loneliness to end.


KRinOnt, I know your pain. I admit that I was not in my marriage as long as you were, but the pain is still there. I tried so hard to reconcile my marriage that I had lost focus of working on my life. Just as of last week, I had "woken up" to what I needed to do, and that was to forget about my wife for the time being and to get my life back in order. My wife had told me that she needed her "time and space". Little did I realize that this was what I needed as well. I am taking advantage of this time to get my life back in order, to establish the new foundations of becoming a better person, and to become stronger, not only in myself, but also in spirit. I am progressing in life where my wife is still stuck in a rut. I wish that Icould help her, but I cannot.

I get to see my daughter for 8 hours every Sunday. Spending those 8 hours with her are the most precious. She is only four, but her smiles, and her love are so powerful. She will put her little arm around me and tell me that things will be o.k. She will not leave my side for anything, and this is a special feeling.

Having your children with you is a huge advantage. You have the power to raise them the right way, to teach them, to raise them, to love them unconditionally. You are their support just as much as they are your support. Treasure every moment with them. Your pain will pass in time, but your connection with your children will be forever.


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## Candystripes (Feb 7, 2011)

Homemaker_number_uno: 
I don't really know what else dr laura says about marriage, but I have to stand strong on this one! Perhaps I am emotionally charged. I just think it is nearly impossible to keep respect with your kids if a man remarries another woman. I actually don't think it is as bad when the mother remarries. I just know that it is very very hard for men because they want to please their wives so badly and women can be jerks, be emotional, and control even when they don't think are. I think mothers can be better at staying on top of their kids' lives but they need to be smart about it (don't marry a controlling bastard). IF a man can find the perfect woman (rare) then things may be okay. Women just cant handle being second in line. Have to stand firm, because those things screwed me up in life. I am always feeling abandoned. I will fight it forever I am sure. fathers are VERY important. What they conduct runs deep. I will always give this advice to fathers. I do agree there are certain situations where this rule doesn't apply but for the most part, it applies. It is merely a solution because humans are flawed and cannot control themselves, if everyone behaved perfectly, no, this would not be an issue. Maybe women shouldn't be so snaggly and self centered? Maybe men need to put their foot down more?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluebird20 (Feb 7, 2011)

My dad went through the same thing. My mom left him for another man, went to another state with me without even telling him. Eventually he found us and got me back. I was 5 my sister was 12. It completely messed up my sister. Over the years he was my rock and to this day is the most important person in my life. Remember that is who you are for your children. The end of the story? Well my dad remarried and found love again. Sadly she passed away when I was a teenager and the most amazing part, now my mom and dad have become friends again after not really talking at all for over 20 years. I know its not the happiest story but the part I wanted to share was how much my dad's strength impacted me and my sister. Even when he did show his pain, it only made us closer and made me love him more.


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