# Is it time to act or not?



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Several months back, I started a thread discussing a girl I've known for 16 years. I described her as my perfect match but she was in a relationship with the father of her son. I stopped all interaction with her and haven't seen or spoke with her since the beginning of March.

Fast forward to today...I received a gift card from one of my customers to the place where this girl works so I decided to use it. I called to place a to go order and she answered. When she found out it was me she seemed really excited and said "I'll see you when you get here."

When I went to pickup my order it wasn't ready so I sat and conversed with her. When asked how she'd been, she replies, "I'm just trying to do my best living as a SINGLE mother."

As we make more small talk, she leans towards me against the bar and starts doodling as we talk. After my order was ready, we just kept talking, as the old friends we are, until I tell her I have to get back to work.

I then tell her I guess I'll have to come back since my gift card still has a balance. Her response was, "Remember, I work every Monday thru Friday." I said ok and left.

I just curious...it seems as if she made a point to let me know she was single. It seems she exhibited those types of subtle hints that would make one think she was interested. Then she made it a point to make sure I knew when she would be working. 

I think it might be time to atleast test the waters to see if there is something there. What do you all think?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Ugh... great. Now I need to dig up that old thread.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She has a kid? 

No. Don't do it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Here's the original. And it has been confirmed that she is single now so game on!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/252377-im-wrong-i-know.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marksaysay said:


> Here's the original. And it has been confirmed that she is single now so game on!
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/252377-im-wrong-i-know.html


So this is the same gal that was essentially trying to initiate a relationship w/ you while still w/ her boyfriend/father of her child/children?

Good luck w/ that.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

No. We were just friends and still are at this point although I'm hopeful that things can evolve into something more now that she's unattached.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Since you're hopeful, and she made the point that she's single....

I'd at least have a couple more conversations with her before you let that one fly out the window...

You seem to be interested in her, and she's making the point she's available. A date or two wouldn't hurt to see if you are compatible to find if there's potential for something deeper with her..


Just remember, she's got a kid. Depends on how old the kid is, but if it's an age that they are impressionable, and might latch on emotionally, don't involve outings with the kid unless you KNOW you are going to be a couple longer term. Not fair to the kid.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

We've known each other for a long time. I know her whole family. We go to the same church. Her son will be 2 soon (she mentioned it today). 

I don't really want to jump into anything but I would definitely like to explore the possibility. And I DEFINITELY agree that involving her son too early would be a detriment if nothing long-term comes about.

And we definitely have some kinda chemistry. When we talk, our conversations never seem forced and neither of us ever seems to want to end our talks. We talk about any and everything and it just feels right.

We chatted briefly via fb messenger after I returned to work and she said our conversation was a breath of fresh air and that she missed them!

I plan on simply taking things slowly and simply seeing where it takes us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

At this point it looks like you have nothing to loose. Try it but take it easy. Do not get too serious until you will find out about her feelings of her child father. If none left, see where it will take you. If she feels something for him, I would walk away nicely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

hmmmm.... If you go to the same church, wouldn't it seem she'd say something at church pointedly saying shes a single mom?? Or would she be looked down upon from other church memebers, seeming to be to forward to hint at a stronger friendship??

IDK... now thinking maybe she just misses your friendship, and wanted to keep in touch with you. No foul if you ask her out & she says sorry.. I'm still seeing/dealing with 'such-n-so', then you know she was just reaching out as a friend and maybe she really needs a shoulder to cry on now, but was afraid to ask incase you wanted something more...


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

life_huppens said:


> At this point it looks like you have nothing to loose. Try it but take it easy. Do not get too serious until you will find out about her feelings of her child father. If none left, see where it will take you. If she feels something for him, I would walk away nicely.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What I know about the child's father is they were together for like 4 yrs. A few months after the child was born, they split up. After a year or so apart, they got back together only to split up again after 4-6 months (I really don't know when they broke up). 

I don't plan to jump into anything. Just want to feel things out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

This on and off again relationship with the father of her child makes you Plan B. Move on. She ran two relationships before you broke up with her the last time. If you want drama, take her bait. If you want a peaceful life, chose a woman who does not have a past history of having two relationships at once. You decision...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OP has never actually "been with this girl". They were just friends for some time but he has an attraction to her and is not sure if it is the same for her.

Having been through what you have been through with your ex-Wife (yes I have read your whole story), and remember she was someone you knew since you were 4 years old, families lived next door to each other, best friends with her brother and still it came back to bite you, I would be very careful with courting this new girl this time round.

Take it very slow and really get to know her (look for any tell tale signs which you never did with ex-Wife) and this forum is basically trying to watch out for you by looking for those tell tale signs.

E.g. why she keeps making up and breaking up with baby daddy will be a real important one to understand (even though you cannot really ask her straight out). Also what does being a single-mom actually mean to her ? Struggles and the need for a financial haven or a chance to connect with her kid and be really independent or what ?

Remember what your ex-wife appeared to be in church when you were first together - a perfect partner for you and look what she turned out to be when she revealed the real her.

I would go out on fun dates and see how things work out. If the kid needs to come along depending on where and when these dates take place, then so be it since you already know him. What is it that you two have in common other than church ?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Well, since we had known each other for so long and worked together, she felt comfortable enough to ask my thoughts concerning their relationship (this was about a year or so ago). I was dating someone at the time, so I considered it nothing more than a friend trying give a friend advise. During the year or so they were apart, she didn't date. She felt she wasn't ready to jump into something after getting out of her long-term relationship. She got back with her child's father because he convinced her things would be different. She felt like it was worth a shot since they had a child together. While I haven't had any convo regarding their split, I assume that not much changed so she decided to move on.

I do understand the need to be cautious and I'm not planning on jumping in with both feet just yet. We enjoy talking to one another so I'll start there. The church connection is probably one of the biggest as I want someone who shares my faith. Additionally, we are both music lovers...I sing and play piano. She sings and had actually asked me to teach her piano. We'd previously actually entertained the idea of doing duets together. We both love to have fun but are not party animals. She doesn't do the bar scene and neither do I. 

And actually, I didn't grow up knowing my ex. We actually met in a dance club while I was in her hometown playing for a minor league baseball team and the relationship developed from there. So the scenarios are very different. I was also younger and quite a bit more naive. I've learned a lot since then!


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I thought I'd update this. We've been talking pretty much every day since Tuesday and now we've made plans to get together next weekend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I think you are headed for disappointment. She did not call you as soon as her ex was out of the picture. That means her interest in you is not strong. You are doing most of the work to keep things going and she is allowing you to pursue. That does not speak of a strong interest. 

If you had to guess, do you think that she is still in love with the ex? If he came back would she choose you or him? Do you see any indication that she has a strong attraction to you, stronger than the feelings for the ex? 

Don't do this to yourself. Break off contact with her. Find someone worthy of you. This woman may be a good person but she is not worth your attention because she is not giving as much as she is getting from you. She is not deceiving you, her behavior tells you what you mean to her. 

It's easy for me to say because I am on the outside. I may be wrong but at lest consider.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

One of the things I've witnessed with her over the years is the fact that she is perfectly fine with being single. I've actually heard her say that she's not validated by her relationship status. To me, that's a good thing. I see so many go from one relationship to another but she isn't one of them. 

Concerning my "pursuit", isn't that what I'm suppose to do when I'm interested. We've done nothing as this point but have some very engaging conversations. Isn't that how relationships start. I hadn't seen her in 4+ months so keeping it going seems a stretch. It's never truly ever started.

In all honesty, I don't see her still being willing to let her ex back in. She broke up with him after 4+ yrs. Then after a yr or so apart, and another attempt to make it work, she broke up again after just a few months. I'd say she's had enough. That's just my take.

And yes, I do see an attraction to me. We'll see exactly how strong, though, when we get together this weekend. I'm really not sure why you feel she's not giving anything. Before I ended contact, we always seemed to just jel. That's precisely why I ended contact. Now that we've reconnected, it seems no different other than she's now single. 

Since life is about taking chances, what do I have to lose? Nothing, in my honest opinion!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Take chances but make sure she is as interested in you as you are in her. Are you making any effort to date other women? I think you should. You may want to be exclusive with this lady but you really don't know if that is in the cards. Seeing other people will keep things in prospective. Who knows you might meet someone who is really into you and you feel the same way. As long as you are honest with her then there is no problem. If she wants you, she will let you know.


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> This on and off again relationship with the father of her child makes you *Plan B*. Move on. She ran two relationships before you broke up with her the last time. If you want drama, take her bait. If you want a peaceful life, chose a woman who does not have a past history of having two relationships at once. You decision...


Sadly agree that you are either a Plan B placeholder at best or friend zoned at worst. I would suggest you steer clear.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

So here's an update...

The father of her child reentered the picture and I exited. This was a couple of months ago. I am currently not actively looking to date because I'm perfectly content being single. 

We hadn't spoken, chatted or seen each other since early August until yesterday. I called to order takeout from the restaurant where this girl works. She took the order and within a minute or so recognized my voice and expressed a lot of excitement once she found out it was me. We chatted for a few minutes when I picked up my order. During this time, I overheard her talking to the men beside me about her boyfriend who also rides bikes. I know they are still trying to work things out so yes, I know she is off-limits.

The thing that gets me is the apparent chemistry between the 2 of us every time we interact. 

What I learned yesterday? I shouldn't order takeout there anymore! 

Concerning some of the comments about being her Plan B from a few of you, I would have to agree...to an extent. I would be more bothered by being pushed aside for some random guy than I would someone she's been involved with for 5 years. I understand her desire to try to make things work the father of her child. I kinda figure she's trying allow her child an experience she didn't have...mother and father together. I get that.

In this instance, though, if she were to ever finally break free from this on-off relationship AND I were still single...I'd give it a shot in a heartbeat!


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

marksaysay said:


> So here's an update...
> 
> The father of her child reentered the picture and I exited. This was a couple of months ago. I am currently not actively looking to date because I'm perfectly content being single.
> 
> ...


*OP:*

Regarding the bolded part in pink...

If this does happen, wait for *her *to approach you regarding the two of you getting together for a date. The ball needs to be in *her *court.

Do not immediately jump at the prospect of the two of you going out for a date. She needs to be the one to tell you that she wants to go out given her past and recent behavior.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Spunkycat08, it will definitely be her initiative to spark things IF it does happen. I'm pretty sure she knows where I stand...I think! LOL


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I'm sorry, but you are in for a world of hurt with this woman. She obviously doesn't think twice about what all of this in&out crap with the boyfriend is doing to her child. She acts so excited to see you because she's bored. It's all about her and what she is 'feeling' at the moment. Stop giving her ego kibbles and she'll be hitting on the next guy who places a take-out order.

BTW, she was not subtle in August when she was pointing out her single-mother status. It was more of a shout to 'call me'.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> I'm sorry, but you are in for a world of hurt with this woman. She obviously doesn't think twice about what all of this in&out crap with the boyfriend is doing to her child. She acts so excited to see you because she's bored. It's all about her and what she is 'feeling' at the moment. Stop giving her ego kibbles and she'll be hitting on the next guy who places a take-out order.
> 
> BTW, she was not subtle in August when she was pointing out her single-mother status. It was more of a shout to 'call me'.


I assume the "hurt" refers to her never really being able to break free from this guy. And as long as he is in the picture, I will not be. She may never and that would be fine with me. It just wasn't meant to be.

I do agree that the back & forth with boyfriend is not the best. But I also understand trying to make something work that was destined to fail from the beginning. I went through it with my ex-wife. One day I came to the realization that it was just not going to work. She will have to get there on her own...if she ever does.

I disagree about the excitement. IMHO, her excitement was about getting to talk to and see someone she likes and hadn't seen in a while. At least I'd like to think that...lol

And yes, the "single-parent" comment was definitely to let me know that she was available!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

All she had to do was text, call or e-mail you. That was just too much trouble for her, eh?


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I guess I don't understand that statement. If it were me, I wouldn't get out of a relationship and quickly pursue another. It makes sense that she didn't actively seek me out but if I'm missing something, help me out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> The thing that gets me is the apparent chemistry between the 2 of us every time we interact.
> 
> In this instance, though, if she were to ever finally break free from this on-off relationship AND I were still single...I'd give it a shot in a heartbeat!


That's just lust. From the PEA chemicals flowing through you. Like all people have. You can pretend you have some sort of magical bond, but it's just lust.

And if you REALLY cared about her, if she DOES break free from him, the best thing you could do is leave her alone for a good six months to a year so she can learn to be ok as a person, someone who doesn't NEED a partner to be ok. Once she's done that, MAYBE she would be ok partner material.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"I disagree about the excitement. IMHO, her excitement was about getting to talk to and see someone she likes and hadn't seen in a while. At least I'd like to think that...lol"

You two were always just friends. She could have contacted you as a friend. She didn't. It's as though when you are out of sight, you're out of her mind.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

turnera said:


> That's just lust. From the PEA chemicals flowing through you. Like all people have. You can pretend you have some sort of magical bond, but it's just lust..


I admit there is a physical attraction because she's a beautiful girl, but her appeal TO ME has nothing to do with her looks. We just click.




turnera said:


> And if you REALLY cared about her, if she DOES break free from him, the best thing you could do is leave her alone for a good six months to a year so she can learn to be ok as a person, someone who doesn't NEED a partner to be ok. Once she's done that, MAYBE she would be ok partner material.


I understand but I'm not sure I'd wait 6 months...just being honest! :smile2:


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> You two were always just friends. She could have contacted you as a friend. She didn't. It's as though when you are out of sight, you're out of her mind.


Or she'd rather do things the old school way and let the man pursue...who knows.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Have it your way. But, I suspect that if she were into doing things the old-school way, she would have gotten married before having a baby. Enjoy your ride down the river.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

marksaysay said:


> I understand but I'm not sure I'd wait 6 months...just being honest! :smile2:


Which is why you're going to ask her out anyway no matter what we say, and you'll end up moving in, and then moving back out, before that 6-month period even begins. You just gotta have it.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

If she were ever single, I would definitely ask her out at some point. Would I wait 6 months? Probably not. But I would never cohabitate AGAIN. I did that before and I swore I'd never do it again.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

If you met this woman 5 yrs ago, before she got involved with her [email protected] bf, you and she might have chosen each other. That window is closed for you and her. This bf will be in her life for a long time due to the child they share. He is the primary man in her life and as you see, whenever he wants her, she says yes. You can't rescue her she does not want it. 

If you spend much more time orbiting around this women, you may get into a pattern that's hard to break. You'll regret it. Your attraction for her and your desire to pursue her will die when you stop seeking opportunities to see her, You have to find someone who is as attracted to you as you are to them. Start dating, you're wasting your time.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Again, I've known her for 16 yrs. Up until about 3 years ago, we were nothing more than acquaintances. The friendship developed when we began working together. 

And I don't really seek out opportunities. Prior to August, I last saw or spoke to her in March. I only went then because a customer bought me a gift card to her place of employment. On Monday, I went simply because I eat out daily for lunch and I was tired of eating the same things.

You are probably right about never breaking free from him and if she doesn't, that's great. I'm in no hurry to find someone. I've come to enjoy the freedom. I also have grown tired of wasting time with people with whom I see no long term prospects.

I know what I want and I am okay waiting for the right one. It may be her and it may not be.


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