# I feel bad for my inlaws



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

My in laws live in another state and call on the weekends.. My mom tells me not to call them and have them call me.. If they want to speak to their grandkids let them make the calls and I shouldn't be reaching out to them as it seems I am trying to win them over from their daughter.. The thing is their daughter hasn't spoke to them supposedly since April.. 


They have been on my side since the start and are happy the kids are not with her because of what she did.

I know they feel helpless and love their grandkids.. But part of me is pissed at them because of their daughter.. Its retarded I know.. Transference issues.. I keep it in check though.. 

Just wish we could just settle this as it feels like unfinished business if you know what I mean..


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

2galsmom said:


> Your mother is right HardtoHandle. And it is finished business, you are divorced.


It's not really finished business, when you have kids the "till death do we part" marriage vow still sticks (sadly) Do you think the grand parents stopped loving the kids just because they stayed with dad?

HardToHandle I think you need to be a parent and think long term, if the grand parents are toxic then phase them out, but you don't portray them that way so I would approach it the same way you deal with your parents. Be an adult about it and don't try to play them to hurt your ex, let them be grand parents to the kids with no fear of getting in the middle of drama.

I am/was in the same situation as you, when my marriage broke apart I contacted her parents and told them I will never do anything to interfere with them seeing the kids, they love the kids and the kids love them. I make sure the kids call on birthdays or just to say hello, I even sent the kids to visit them a couple times in the last couple years.

So anyway...if they are decent people I vote you put an effort into keeping them in the kids lives.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Why can't you call them? What harm does it do to teach the children give in take in a relationship? What am I missing? Are your parents jealous? As a divorced mom, my kids' grandpa from their dad's side even came over for coffee with me and my new husband. As long as it is heartfelt , not overly intrusive and with pure intentions (not to get one over on your ex), I think it shows maturity and is a GOOD thing for your kids and their grandparents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So HardToHandle, there you go, life is full of different people with different ideas. At the end of the day always look at the big picture, always look at how your actions will pan out down the road, always consider what your goals are. You take a little bit of info from others, groom it to fit your needs and personal scenario and keep moving foreword, always foreword.

Best wishes to you and the kids.


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## mtn.lioness (Oct 29, 2013)

I have a hard time with this because my ex-inlaws were raised not to dig into people's lives and they just keep to themselves... after the divorce was final, they felt they would be prying. But if I call, they will shower my daughter with statements of love and I can hear in their voices they are excited to hear from her. (she always talks on speaker).

If its just to connect the grandchildren to their grandparents and not talk about the relationship that ended, I don't see what the harm is...


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> What the woman's parents are doing is UNFAIR to HTH, he has already been cheated on and has all the responsibility of caring for the children. Now, they call him and once again the responsible party in the marriage which is no longer a marriage suffers? Again.
> 
> "Yes!" say you all who say death to you part just suffer away that is all part of marriage and kids.
> 
> ...


Hold up, there... If HTH is suffering, it's because he's letting himself feel guilty that his XILs like him better than they like his X.

The XILs are not his X, and they should should not be held responsible for the mistakes that she's made. 

I find myself in much the same position. The WWotMW alienated herself from her entire family... She hasn't spoken to any of them in more than three years. Her mother has kept in close contact with me and the kids, and has been advocating to all her relatives on my behalf. She's genuinely ashamed of how her daughter has been acting.

My X's mother and I always liked each other and got along well. There's no reason why we shouldn't continue that relationship. I don't see why HTH shouldn't either, especially if it benefits his kids.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Hardtohandle, your doing good to separate issues. 
1. Your relationship with your wife or ex. 
2. Your relationship with your children's grandparents 
3. Your wife (or ex) relationship with her parents is not your problem. Your 
4. Your children's relationship with their grandparents who love them.

I think it's important to allow people who love your kids to be part of their lives assuming they aren't damaging to them. In short, I think it's great you communicate with them and allow them to be part of your children's lives.


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## LoveSci (Nov 23, 2013)

Sounds to me like you're being the bigger person here. Your parents are blaming hers for what she did. I can understand where they're coming from, but your doing the right thing.
My ex has been pretty good about having my boys call my parents. Its easier that my S14 has his own phone, that my wife and I pay for. The sad thing is, I think they see my parents, who live 4 hours away, more than hers, 15 min. Its weird too, that her mom's family, and her mom were on my side. 
Just keep the lines of communication open and it will help your kids to develop better relationships with people and hopefully not make the same mistakes as their mother.
Good luck!


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