# This is the most messed up mess you will ever read!



## Jagator88 (Jun 14, 2014)

My husband and I have been together since he was 17 and I was 14. We have 5 children. The oldest is 36 youngest is 27. We have had our 9 year old Granddaughter for a year and get no help from her parents. I had weight loss surgery in June 2009. Things went horribly wrong and I almost died. It took 6 months to fix everything and recovery. 6 months after that I was diagnosed with breast cancer! The time prior to the cancer was WONDERUL! He took pics of me all the time. I had lost almost 150 pounds. When I started loosing my hair and decided to shave my head he did too. So did 2 of my son-in-laws and my grandson. 6 months after chemo I found out he had been having an affair. When I confronted him he left! I was getting ready to go through the biggest surgery of my life. 8 hours of spine surgery! My spine had no fat or muscle to hold it up so the scoliosis ran rampant! He bounced back and forth from her to me for 3 years. He finally came home and said this is where he wanted to be. We had little time before we got our granddaughter. We talked repeatedly about whether we needed "our" time or did we keep her because I had been the only stability in her life and she worships him! So I am raising her. Recently we have been becoming very distant. He never has been one to work like he should and I have always been the big money maker. I went from 50k+ per year to $18k on disability. He got into trouble with the police while he was with her and was unable to find a decent job because everyone ws doing background checks so the only job he could get paid less than I make on disability! Even then knowing he needed to work every hour he could he was always complaining about one ailment or another. This is what caused me to become distant. We are on the verge of losing our house! And the granddaughter needs so much! Let me fill in that he has had 3 prior short term affairs. I got a text today from his (so I thought) ex-mistress sayig they were still talking and he was telling her things about me that were absolutely untrue! She said she would start forwarding his messages to me for proof! All I do is cry and try to decide how to tell my granddaughter that he will be leaving and can I afford to take care of her!! Their really is nowhere else for her to go and she has been through so much in her short 9 years! The ***** said he was only with me because of our granddaughter. I said then why does he hold me and tell me he loves me all the time?! Then she sent me a text telling me exactly what I was doing so I know he contacted her! I'm so torn! I love him but it is diminishing and I don't want to keep living like this! We used to be so close but he has had so many mid-life crises and I can't deal with anymore! I turned 50 in March and I am a good looking woman but he is really all I have ever know and I'm so scared to start over with someone new. I have always been very independent but I want to be loved the way a good woman should be loved! I wish it was him but I don't know how to bring the good parts of our life back! I am so bitter! I don't even know if I want to try anymore! I want him to chase me! How do I make that happen and should I even bother?! There is so much more but this has already become a book!


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Wow!! You have my most sincere condolences and sympathy. I have no idea how to advise you but wish you the very best of luck and fortitude. You are amazingly strong having gone through so much, I'm sure you'll have an amazing life ahead of you.


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## Jagator88 (Jun 14, 2014)

Thank you! I certainly hope and pray you are right!


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

So it is four affairs and he is a felon?


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

I am so sorry you are dealing with this on top of being the parent to your 9 year old grand daughter. This is the time of your life you are meant to be enjoying, not stressing over so much crap.
In regards to your husband, he is doing this because it has been you allowing him to get away with it in the past. So he is just following your lead- he probably thinks that because you let him come back to you 4 times now from affairs, and you are the one to do all the hard work in the relationship that he can continue doing this over and over.
I am confused at this other woman's motivation at sending you their text messages. Seems she is either trying to push you to the point of finishing the marriage so she can have him (better option in my honest opinion) or she is over his crap too and wants to get back at him. My bet is on the first.
Either way, regardless of who or what the other woman wants your problem is still your husband.
I can understand you will potentially face financial hardship trying to support you and your grand daughter, but if you spoke to a lawyer even a pro-bono one for now you might get a better understanding of your entitlements? You could be surprised.
I believe in making decisions from an educated point of view, it will only benefit you in the long run so its worth a try.
Please don't stay in this relationship because you feel you don't know life outside of him. You never had the chance to actually be by yourself so you dont know your true strength... and lets face it, you must be a strong woman given all you have been through!
You fought cancer for goodness sake!
Please take care of yourself and your grand daughter. She doesn't need this just as much as you don't.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You seriously don't think you can do better than _him_:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

One question, why are you putting yourself through hell with an extra child, poor health and a cheating husband, why?

you need to address a few issues here, can you physically and mentally cope with bringing up your grand daughter?

your husband is a serial cheater, can you deal with the hassle that comes with trying to R for what seems like the humpteenth time?

too much on your plate, shed some of your problems and start looking after you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You're right, it is a mess. And you need to remove yourself from it.

What you need to do is to make an *exit plan*. You may not be in a position right now to divorce him immediately. If it takes weeks or months to implement your plan; that's OK. He doesn't have to know what you're up to until you're ready to pull the trigger. But start working on it - now. 

Your husband is no prize to start with. Then add to that he's a serial cheater. And rest assured he will continue to cheat, because he has no fear of you leaving him. He has no fear because you've tolerated his A's and he's received no consequences for them. It's one thing to give a cheater "one" second chance; quite another to put up with serial cheating. By continuing to remain with him, you're simply enabling him.

When you are at this point in your marriage, there's really only one option if you want the best outcome for *you*.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Sory u are going through this 😪


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You're 50 and you have a 36 year old child? Wow.

Based on that I assume you've never even dated anyone else in your life, so you're terrified at the thought of life without your husband. That's why you're letting him treat you in this disgusting way.

Start planning a life without him and get the hell out as soon as you possibly can.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How old is your grand daughter ?

Stay calm. Things are going to get better in a little while and you will be happy with or without him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You really have no choice but to let your husband go. Apparently he has a girl friend he can go mooch off of. The sooner you kick him out the better.

If you are going to continue to raise your granddaughter, check with your state social services. There has to be some financial help, even if it's just food stamps, that you can get to help you out with her. Your income is low enough that you might be able to get them too.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Please add some paragraphs to your first post. That will help you get more readers.


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## WatchmansMoon (Mar 6, 2013)

I'm so very sorry! My heart goes out to you in all that you've been facing. I'm sure your granddaughter is a family member you can't imagine cutting out of your life at this time, and she probably needs to stay with you for the stability she desperately needs. You are an amazing woman to care for her! Your DH doesn't seem to have a life commitment to you, nor does he show much desire to reform his ways. Have you pursued legal counsel both in regard to your husband' affairs, as well as your granddaughter's parents being forced to support their daughter financially while you care for her? Maybe that's not an option, but it's worth revisiting. It seems a judge would see your physical as well as financial position and needs now with DH out of the picture. There's only so much you can do on your own. I pray you and your granddaughter get the support and help you need.

~ Seek the Light ~


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You're only 50. Way too young to be settling for horrible treatment which is what you are doing.

I know you feel like you're stuck here...but there are ways to make this work. Being with him will tear you apart from the inside out. There is no loyalty.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I wish you peace health and healing and am very sorry to read about your troubles. 

You can do better in your life than the man you are married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jagator88 (Jun 14, 2014)

I have determined that I can handle my Granddaughter financially with the help of my sister who would love nothing more than to see me kick him to the curb! She also said something that made a lot of sense. People will be more willing to help me when I send him packing. No one wants to help while he is in the picture because of the things he has done and how selfish he is! Of course no one else feels my pain! Even though I've had my mind set on having an affair I still look straight through men! So finances are no longer a worry. Now it's just the emotional aspect. How do I turn off my heart to one but leave it open for a potential other?!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Jagator88 said:


> I have determined that I can handle my Granddaughter financially with the help of my sister who would love nothing more than to see me kick him to the curb! She also said something that made a lot of sense. People will be more willing to help me when I send him packing. No one wants to help while he is in the picture because of the things he has done and how selfish he is! Of course no one else feels my pain! Even though I've had my mind set on having an affair I still look straight through men! So finances are no longer a worry. Now it's just the emotional aspect. How do I turn off my heart to one but leave it open for a potential other?!



You don't turn off your heart for one and leave it open for a potential other.

the potential other will have to earn it.
Besides, you have other things to tackle before worrying about dating again.
You had your oldest when you were 14? Can he help?
I am assuming the mother cannot help.
What do your kids think about all this? Do they even know?
I am asking because if and when you do leave, there could be some serious backlash or some serious support.
Use that knowledge for your exit plan.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I have a friend who is raising her grand-daughter. She is paid through the foster care system. Is their any way you could work some arrangement like that with your grand daughter? Please care for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

That is really messed up havin SEX and a kid at 14? Is the father in jail for being pedo?


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Jagator88 said:


> How do I turn off my heart to one but leave it open for a potential other?!



Hi Jagator88. I very sorry to read what you're going through. It must be very difficult. 

I hesitate to give advice to anyone as I am still working through my own problems, but I'd like to share something that was suggested to me. I didn't think much of it at first but with time I see its value. 

Basically I was told to find something to do that enriches my life. Whether it was to join a small group at a church or a book club that discusses the book of the month. Or it was learning to play the piano or taking a class at a local college or university. 

By finding, not just new hobbies, but personally enriching activities, we learn new skills and grow as a person. In the process we have new experiences and become more interesting, we meet new people and make new friendships, and most of all we have some satisfying moments of distraction away from the hell we've been living.

You see, our life is like a large glass of water. And when something bad happens it's like someone has added black ink to it. The clearness of the water is shaded. We can never remove the ink; it's there permanently. But what we can do is add more clear water back into it and dilute the ink and restore some clarity.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Any updates Jagator88?


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

*hugs* that's all.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

sirdano said:


> That is really messed up havin SEX and a kid at 14? Is the father in jail for being pedo?


:scratchhead: How exactly is this comment helpful? Pretty pathetic don't you think?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

why are you not being helped out with your granddaughter, are BOTH of her parents that messed up-----you have always been the breadwinner, so you know how to/that you can take care of yourself

Last question----how the he*l, do you love a man who has had multiple A's on you, is a jailbird, and can't even earn a living---seriously do you think so little of yourself, that you would stay with a POS, like he is----and if you love him so much, that you will just take what he throws at you, then in all honesty what are you complaining about----

You refuse to do what is best for you, which is to cut all contact with him for he certainly is a POS, so it all really boils down to what you see when you look in the mirror----and what kind of self respect and dignity do you have left for yourself

Either you are worth doing the best possible for yourself, or you aren't, and if you aren't then you are gonna live out your life in misery----and believe me THAT WILL MISERY WILL RUB OFF ON YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> How do I make that happen and should I even bother?!


*Do not bother! *

He has failed many times and has proven to you that he is a taker and not a giver

If he was in his 20s or 30s and had not proven for all these years that he will cheat on you many times then the chances of him changing in his 50s is slim to none and I think slim left the building


You need to get emotional support from friends, family and faith. There are ways to get over a man like your husband and I am sure that there are many women on this TAM forum that have made it past a man like your husband and so can you. 

I know that it is hard and painful for you but you really have no choice except to find people and ways to get past him. If you don’t he will reduce you to a door mat and you will not be any help for yourself or your children or grandchildren.

You need to get into survival mode that EXCLUDES him. Force yourself to put him out of your mind unless it is thoughts about how disgusting he has treated you. That may help you to fight back because that is what is needed right now.

*He has forced you in the jungle kindom; ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE. Start doing everything for YOU!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

sirdano said:


> That is really messed up havin SEX and a kid at 14? Is the father in jail for being pedo?


17 to 14 really is out of the realms of being a "pedo".

Did you actually read the original post?:scratchhead:

The fact that they both had sex at age 17-14 is not necessarily relevant, as the legal situation in parts of the USA differs. There is technically is no legal minimum in one state, and where the legal minimum in some is 14 or even 13.

So it would be perfectly possible for them to have gotten married and for them to have been married for a year before she gave birth.

There are many reasons why Jagator might be best advised to divorce her husband. The fact that they had a child at ages 14/17 is not one of them.


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

All I have to say is you are an incredibly strong woman with all you've been through. You got through all that, you can get through anything. Life is too short to be unhappy. It's your time now and you dam well deserve it!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Any updates?


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