# I love my girl but can't get past the fact she's slept with 2 good friends Thoughts??



## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

I've been with this girl for about a year. She slept with my best bud 7 years ago when we were 24. Just drunk stuff and they probably did it 3 times. Then my buddy tried to make her a F buddy because he'd only call her when he was tanked. Needless to say that backfired. She quit hanging out with the guy, ignored him and moved on. I've known her 8 years and we started dating about a year ago. We get along great and by far one of the better, most sane girls I've dated. She also had sex with another buddy of mine but that was when we were 17 (14 years ago). I think that lasted maybe a month?? So my question is: Should I care my best bud slept my girl 7 years ago or is it irrelevant? And would the fact that she's had sex with two of your friends bother you? It's sort of sickening knowing what went down. This guy was not scared to share intimate details 7 years ago, he freely told me and all my friends. So everybody knows of their past encounters. He egged me on in the beginning claiming how good of a hookup she was. After the intial time we hung out I told him to keep his mouth shut about it. So here I am a year later. If I'm thinking about marriage (I'm 31, guess it's time) and kids I don't want anybody to think negatively about her and assume she's easy because of the past. When I see him and her around each other it makes me gag. All I see is my girl getting handled by a best friend. Any thoughts?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> Should I care my best bud slept my girl 7 years ago or is it irrelevant? And would the fact that she's had sex with two of your friends bother you? It's sort of sickening knowing what went down. This guy was not scared to share intimate details 7 years ago, he freely told me and all my friends. So everybody knows of their past encounters.


Did you know about this BEFORE you got together with her a year ago or did you just find all this out recently?

If you knew about this before dating her then you need to get over yourself. If you just found this out, then your friends are complete azzholes for interfering in your relationship. Which is it?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You asked whether it was irrelevant or not that she fcked two of your friends in the past--it is relevant because it IS bothering you. If you find this bothers you a lot, then axe the relationship. Have you talked to her about how you feel about this???

Its too bad your friend had to kiss & tell all your friends. Very tasteless, IMO.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

I've known about it for 7 years. Never really thought about it in the beginning but it has seemed to come full circle as the relationship went from dating to serious to loving her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh and never get married because "I'm thinking about marriage (I'm 31, guess it's time) and kids."

Worse excuse ever to get married. You sould get married because you love, honor, respect, cherish, trust, communicate well with someone and want to grow old with them. Not cause you feel it's "time."


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dbrach said:


> I've known about it for 7 years. Never really thought about it in the beginning but it has seemed to come full circle as the relationship went from dating to serious to loving her.


Well it's too late to cry over spilt milk now. You had the info from the beginning and you still proceeded to invest your time in the relationship.

Get over yourself. You may have to get yourself some new friends too while you're at it. If you can't do it, then cut her loose and move on, it's not right you hold what happened over her head.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh and never get married because "I'm thinking about marriage (I'm 31, guess it's time) and kids."
> 
> Worse excuse ever to get married. You sould get married because you love, honor, respect, cherish, trust, communicate well with someone and want to grow old with them. Not cause you feel it's "time."


I'm not saying because it's time. I do love her and am thinking about a future. Hence the reason why I stumbled here. The context was misread and mistyped.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

dbrach said:


> I've been with this girl for about a year. She slept with my best bud 7 years ago when we were 24. Just drunk stuff and they probably did it 3 times. Then my buddy tried to make her a F buddy because he'd only call her when he was tanked. Needless to say that backfired. She quit hanging out with the guy, ignored him and moved on. I've known her 8 years and we started dating about a year ago. We get along great and by far one of the better, most sane girls I've dated. She also had sex with another buddy of mine but that was when we were 17 (14 years ago). I think that lasted maybe a month?? So my question is: Should I care my best bud slept my girl 7 years ago or is it irrelevant? And would the fact that she's had sex with two of your friends bother you? It's sort of sickening knowing what went down. This guy was not scared to share intimate details 7 years ago, he freely told me and all my friends. So everybody knows of their past encounters. He egged me on in the beginning claiming how good of a hookup she was. After the intial time we hung out I told him to keep his mouth shut about it. So here I am a year later. If I'm thinking about marriage (I'm 31, guess it's time) and kids I don't want anybody to think negatively about her and assume she's easy because of the past. When I see him and her around each other it makes me gag. *All I see is my girl getting handled by a best friend.* Any thoughts?


If this is bothering you now, it'll bother you forever. Be honest with yourself before continuing this relationship. It might very well be all in the past, but still...she's been a bit of a pass-around with your group. Not really a good thing, and considering your post, I think you may feel the same way...good luck.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> If this is bothering you now, it'll bother you forever. Be honest with yourself before continuing this relationship. It might very well be all in the past, but still...she's been a bit of a pass-around with your group. Not really a good thing, and considering your post, I think you may feel the same way...good luck.


I wouldn't consider her a pass around. She was friends with my buddy who she hooked up with in high school. Then she was around post college and my other buddy hooked up with her. She's always been friends with us for the past 8 years and beyond and these were the only 2. It's not like other girls who would come into the group and get the "flip her" treatment.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Maybe distance yourself from these friends and get new ones. I would not like my husband hanging out with women that he had sex with in the past. Your friend sounds like a pig anyway better to ditch him for someone with character. Have you had this conversation with your gf? You have to get your feelings sorted out and if you can relax and be happy with her under the cercumstances. If this is your best buddy he will be around you and your gf in the years to come. Is that what you want? 

Think about what your life will be like if you ate plagued with these feelings. Getting married will not solve anything. You love her but can you both be happy that's the question. Maybe it would be better to start a new life in another area with new friends or maybe decide to let this girl go if you think that your lives will not blend. 

Please don't marry because it is time marry because you love her and you can see a future that is not troubled by thought of past lover. Let her know how you feel and consider your life and the future carefully. It may be that out of love for her you let her go if you think that your lives together will be clouded by your discomfort. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

I think it will ultimately come down to a choice between your best buddy or your girl. If you are really in love with her, removing the best buddy from your life will ease the anxiety. He's a trigger.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

If you want to stay with her you should put some distance between you and your friend. 

It's touching you've all been buddies and whatnot, but if you do want to be with this girl he is now just a former boyfriend more than anything else. Be friendly if you want, but view him in that way. 

I'd view him with great caution just based on his comments bragging about "doing her".


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I agree with the others' advice: stay away from this "friend."

There is also a good post by Geoffrey Marsh about how to change the images in your mind:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...use-cheated-what-can-you-do-about-images.html

It addresses cheating spouses, but may also be of help to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Have you told her how you feel? How is bothers you? 

Discussing this with her = true intimacy.

Like Candie & ABitMuch said--if this bothers you a lot, cut her loose. Cause the past is done and cant be changed.


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## JeffX (Oct 13, 2010)

Why does it bother you? She's with you now, and that is what is important.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Well it's too late to cry over spilt milk now. You had the info from the beginning and you still proceeded to invest your time in the relationship.
> 
> Get over yourself. You may have to get yourself some new friends too while you're at it. If you can't do it, then cut her loose and move on, it's not right you hold what happened over her head.





Catherine602 said:


> Maybe distance yourself from these friends and get new ones. I would not like my husband hanging out with women that he had sex with in the past. Your friend sounds like a pig anyway better to ditch him for someone with character. Have you had this conversation with your gf? You have to get your feelings sorted out and if you can relax and be happy with her under the cercumstances. If this is your best buddy he will be around you and your gf in the years to come. Is that what you want?
> 
> Think about what your life will be like if you ate plagued with these feelings. Getting married will not solve anything. You love her but can you both be happy that's the question. Maybe it would be better to start a new life in another area with new friends or maybe decide to let this girl go if you think that your lives will not blend.
> 
> ...





seeking sanity said:


> I think it will ultimately come down to a choice between your best buddy or your girl. If you are really in love with her, removing the best buddy from your life will ease the anxiety. He's a trigger.





Soccerfan73 said:


> If you want to stay with her you should put some distance between you and your friend.
> 
> It's touching you've all been buddies and whatnot, but if you do want to be with this girl he is now just a former boyfriend more than anything else. Be friendly if you want, but view him in that way.
> 
> ...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

JeffX said:


> Why does it bother you? She's with you now, and that is what is important.


I *wish* I had your attitude...Things like this eat away at me too, just like it appears to do to the OP. Personally, I get 'mind movies'. I don't know why, but I've always been like this to some extent. Time usually helps, though. For example, something that I considered a huge deal a year ago, doesn't bother me as much, even though I still think about it.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Ditch the friend, keep the girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Have you told her how you feel? How is bothers you?
> 
> Discussing this with her = true intimacy.
> 
> Like Candie & ABitMuch said--if this bothers you a lot, cut her loose. Cause the past is done and cant be changed.


We've talked about it and typically it leads to a fight. I realize my buddy basically played her as she's never been the type of girl to sleep around. He got it and quit calling her and I think in a different day (7 years ago) that may have hurt her. She is disgusted she actually went after him and always has been based on coversations we've had prior to us even getting together. So the long and short is, we've talked about it but it brings no real relief. It still bothers me.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

JeffX said:


> Why does it bother you? She's with you now, and that is what is important.


+1 - everyone has a past. If she goes and sleeps with them again just now, it'd be different but otherwise I'd not be concerned.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok and since it bothers you, what do you plan to DO about it?

And why does it lead to a fight when you bring it up? 

How often do you bring it up?


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## Sully6 (Mar 3, 2010)

This is where you have a heart to heart with your best friend. You tell him that you love this girl and that if he constantly reminds you of the past, that you will no longer be able to be close friends. If he is truly your friend, he will never bring it up again and likely even distance himself in some situations out of respect. If he can't do that, he was never that great of a friend and you can do without him. If you love her, she should come first.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The chance of finding a woman who hasn't hooked up with a few guys at your age is pretty slim. Just so happens that this woman slept with a couple of friends of yours.

I grew up in a very small town, where this happens a lot. I no longer live there, but if I did, there would be a couple of friends that are married to girls that I dated. 

Have you slept with anyone she knows? Seems like since you all have known each other for so long, there is a good chance this could be the case.

If it really bothers you and you want to keep the girlfriend, then distance yourself from your friend and the bad feelings you have should eventually go away.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok and since it bothers you, what do you plan to DO about it?
> 
> And why does it lead to a fight when you bring it up?
> 
> How often do you bring it up?


1. that's what I'm trying to figure out. 

2. It's more so me giving her a hard time. "Can't believe you did that. what's wrong with you?" etc.

3. Probably more than I should. I feel like I think about it constantly. Maybe once a week. Too over the top.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> The chance of finding a woman who hasn't hooked up with a few guys at your age is pretty slim. Just so happens that this woman slept with a couple of friends of yours.
> 
> I grew up in a very small town, where this happens a lot. I no longer live there, but if I did, there would be a couple of friends that are married to girls that I dated.
> 
> ...


I've not slept with any of her friends but hooked up yes. She is also becoming friends with a girl I slept with prior to us getting together. For whatever reason they are starting to hang out. She knows I had sex with the girl about 2-3 months before we got together. I do not know why this does not bother her. 

She knows my history and is aware of girls around the area that I've had relations with. She's not friends with any of them.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dbrach said:


> *2. It's more so me giving her a hard time. "Can't believe you did that. what's wrong with you?" etc.*


Nope. Sorry. That doesn't work. You know the truth and you use it against her and then you tell her you can't believe she did it/what's wrong with her. That is pretty mean up, IMO. You are emotionally blackmailing her in a way.

And not just that but you seem to have a double standard... you said first you only hooked up with some girls then later said you had sex with them and yet she have zero problem w/ this (seemingly) that you did this yet you hold her to a different standard when she did the same thing.

If you can't let this go, I foresee a LOT of dark clouds in the future.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Nope. Sorry. That doesn't work. You know the truth and you use it against her and then you tell her you can't believe she did it/what's wrong with her. That is pretty mean up, IMO. You are emotionally blackmailing her in a way.
> 
> And not just that but you seem to have a double standard... you said first you only hooked up with some girls then later said you had sex with them and yet she have zero problem w/ this (seemingly) that you did this yet you hold her to a different standard when she did the same thing.
> 
> If you can't let this go, I foresee a LOT of dark clouds in the future.


I have not had sex with any of her friends. The person I've mentioned having sex with is someone that began hanging out with her after we got together. They were not friends with each other (nor did they know each other) before me and my girl started dating. The two that she had relatins with are good buddies of mine. As in I've known them since we were 13. I'm not trying to hold her to a different standard. I've been with girls she knows or knows of but not any of her immeidate friends she talks to daily. I speak to the friends of mine a few times a week, both of them. It's different.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dbrach said:


> I have not had sex with any of her friends. The person I've mentioned having sex with is someone that began hanging out with her after we got together. They were not friends with each other (nor did they know each other) before me and my girl started dating. The two that she had relatins with are good buddies of mine. As in I've known them since we were 13. I'm not trying to hold her to a different standard. I've been with girls she knows or knows of but not any of her immeidate friends she talks to daily*. I speak to the friends of mine a few times a week, both of them. It's different*.


It's not fair for you to hold this over her head when you knew her past with them. In fact, it's rather cruel of you. If you love her you'll stop harassing her about all of this, and you would tell your friends where to go when they bring it up. It disrespects your relationship with her.

You're going to have to man up to your friends if you keep them, get new friends, or break up with your girlfriend because you're not mature enough to let this go. Those are your choices. You can't keep torturing her for what happened.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

dbrach,

I have been dealing with this issue for 26 years but your circumstances seem a bit different.

1. I did not find out about it until we were deep in our engagement and the wedding was planned. I was not sure of who it was until after we were married.

2. Knowing what I know now I would have not married. I love my wife a great deal but this was her first love and I think if she were being honest she would state that he was the "love of her life". He dumped her and that bothers her but there is enough evidence that she has never gotten over him emotionally. Do you perceive that she is still connected emotionally to him.

3. Those that have stated that you can disconnect to a great degree by limiting or eliminating the relationships you have with your friends are absolutely right. Because of certain family dynamics we are indirectly connected to this guy for the rest of our lives. We will always know what is going on with him. Her best friend is married to his brother as well and I know she gets that updates whenever they talk. She thinks she keeps it on the down low but she does not cover her tracks well.

If these guys mean nothing to your girlfriend then do not worry about it. I do believe time will heal. If they are going to be a part of your life then break off your relationship with her but be easy on her when you do.


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## dbrach (Nov 18, 2011)

RClawson said:


> dbrach,
> 
> I have been dealing with this issue for 26 years but your circumstances seem a bit different.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the insight. She has no emotional connection to either one of these guys. One was 14 years ago and the other 7 years ago. I'm being serious when I tell you that she finds it appaling and disgusting she went after either. I guess just in a different stage in her life at each time. She would never consider cheating on me nor getting together with either one of these guys. We love each other and I've hit a snag and that's the way it goes I suppose.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dbrach said:


> The two that she had relatins with are good buddies of mine. As in I've known them since we were 13.


And yet, you knew all of this this when you began dating her. And now you are using it against her. 



A Bit Much said:


> It's not fair for you to hold this over her head when you knew her past with them. In fact, it's rather cruel of you.


:iagree:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

dbrach said:


> Thanks for the insight. She has no emotional connection to either one of these guys. One was 14 years ago and the other 7 years ago. I'm being serious when I tell you that she finds it appaling and disgusting she went after either. I guess just in a different stage in her life at each time. *She would never consider cheating on me nor getting together with either one of these guys. We love each other and I've hit a snag and that's the way it goes I suppose.*


Are you purposely faultfinding to keep from moving to the next level with her? Some people sabotage their good thing out from fear of the unknown. Marriage is a big serious step. If you're considering it with her, maybe you're trying to convince yourself that her past has tainted your perfect picture somehow. Still not right IMO, but it's possible.

You do know this is all on you right?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

For whatever reason, you're not comfortable now with her past or with her.

Dont think of going forward with the marriage till this is sorted out. Even when you think it is sorted out, wait a few months to see if the thought pops back in. If it does, dont marry her. There's no need to bring into a new marriage problems that will only get worst.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

dbrach said:


> Thanks for the insight.* She has no emotional connection to either one of these guys.* One was 14 years ago and the other 7 years ago. I'm being serious when I tell you that she finds it appaling and disgusting she went after either. I guess just in a different stage in her life at each time. She would never consider cheating on me nor getting together with either one of these guys. We love each other and I've hit a snag and that's the way it goes I suppose.



No emotional connection? Well, she had enough to sleep with them for a while.

And since you have displayed to her your concerns consistently, she may be telling you things she thinks you want to hear.

The problem with having old boyfriends around is that years or decades down the road, they may hook up again. Look at some of the stories in the infidelity section.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

I live on a very small town. I pretty well know who ****ed who.

Most of my friends that got married to a local have several friends that nailed their wife in high school at a two kegger beer fest and bon fire party in the back woods. 

I know about poison ivy on their privates and who got a sliver from bangin against a tree trunk 

I wouldnt want that. 

I married a girl from out of town and I am very happy that she isnt known that way by every tom, **** and harry but we wont be going to her class reunions or mine. 

Too many wild times in high school and college with too many tasteless mormns that will run their mouth. 

Good luck with that.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

dbrach said:


> Thanks for the insight. She has no emotional connection to either one of these guys. One was 14 years ago and the other 7 years ago. I'm being serious when I tell you that she finds it appaling and disgusting she went after either. I guess just in a different stage in her life at each time. She would never consider cheating on me nor getting together with either one of these guys. We love each other and I've hit a snag and that's the way it goes I suppose.


It seems the snag is that you do not want to give up your friendship with the two guys. If they are that important then break off the relationship.

I saw red flags in my relationship and naively thought that I would get past it because "I was so mature". 

If you love this women let her know you are not interested in discussing them ever again in the future and let them know your relationship will just never be the same because of their history. It sounds like to me she has nothing invested in these two.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are WAY OUT OF LINE---you have no right to say ONE word to her, about what she did PRIOR to knowing you and your going out with her

Everyone has a past, and for you to come along and give her a hard time about it, is not your right

You only need to "deal" with what she does SINCE she started dating you

If you don't like her past---then get out, otherwise, just forget about it

You, at this point, the way you are acting/carrying on---are not someone anyone should even wanna be with

She is entitled to her past, and has nothing to be ashamed of, and she sure as he*l doesn't owe you explanation number one, about any of it

You take her as she is now, and that is what you deal with

If I were giving HER advise, I would tell her to run as fast as she can AWAY from you!!!!!!


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