# How do you respond?



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect. 

What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> 
> What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?


Just trying to verify, is this a one time thing or happens often?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Oh, and this isn't the first time, but basically whenever you do something she doesn't agreed with or doesn't get her way. (So I guess it isn't totally unknown to you... just unpredictable and without a lot of logical reasons why)


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

...


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> whenever you do something she doesn't agreed with or doesn't get her way. (So I guess it isn't totally unknown to you... just unpredictable and without a lot of logical reasons why)


This "illogical" anger can be hiding another problem. So she might seem to be yelling at you because you disagreed with her choice of restaurant, but that was just a trigger. Really she's mad because she's feeling unloved/worried she doesn't fancy you anymore/etc/etc. If she's showing you such disrespect in public then there bigger issues going on.

Perhaps let the trigger event slide (there's no point in fighting about something that isn't the heart of the problem)? When everyone's calmed down perhaps try a big picture discussion about your relationship.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Oh, and this isn't the first time, but basically whenever you do something she doesn't agreed with or doesn't get her way. (So I guess it isn't totally unknown to you... just unpredictable and without a lot of logical reasons why)


Is she looking to get divorced?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I would say this is how some spoiled teenager acts when she don't get her way not how an adult acts that is in a loving relationship.

I would let hervwalk away and walk to my car as fast as possiblecand drive home.

Then I would cala lawyer. Then I would pack her crap and leave it on the porch.


Then I would live happy ever after.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> 
> What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?


My exH used to do this, leave me (or me + child, group) regularly in public … sometimes it’s because he would be mad, other times he just wandered off, both situations were for reasons unknown to anyone present.

Once, early on in the marriage I pursued and he responded with a massive anger dump that had nothing to do with me or anything I did or did not do. I never pursued after that one time and instead just found my own way home. He would mostly ignore the situation had happened after we reunited later at home. Once in a great while he would ask “Don’t you want to know why I left?” and I would always answer “If you want to tell me, feel free.” 

Some reasons he gave on various occasions:
His mother and DD were chewing gum (left us in a museum).
I was talking to a woman who had asked me a question about dogs (left me at the UCSC campus).
He didn’t like the way I was eating (left me in a restaurant).

My Ex’s and your wife’s behavior is childish because it shows a lack of ability to regulate one’s emotion … especially the name-calling and yelling part. The behavior originates from immaturity, lack of respect and/or entitlement so I wouldn’t indulge it with a response. If you want to address the behavior in general, do it calmly when she is also calm. Set boundaries as to what you will and will not tolerate.


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## SarcasticRed (Feb 21, 2018)

Walk away. 

If this is a common behavior, I'd be having a serious sit-down discussion when anger has settled a bit about it.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> MrNightly said:
> 
> 
> > Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> ...


Rock Solid... I basically tell her where I am if she wants to join me, then leave it at that. Like tonight, we are in Vegas for work for me, and she got mad at me twice.. Once at breakfast (no idea why yet) and she left me and went back to the room, and once when we were heading to dinner... she wanted sushi and I said, give me a kiss and we'll get sushi (since she hasn't talked to me all day) and she just said no and walked off. I went to dinner at a pub and told her where I was if she wanted to join me. She blocked me on fb chat (does this every time she gets mad at me) and said she deserved a better guy... and one that doesn't leave her.. I'm like ok even tho she left me twice lol.

I've learned to tune out her complaints because she can just get nasty with them... 

So I noticed you said ex husband.. couldn't get it to work out with his behavior?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maybe shes on the spectrum?

I wouldn't care if they were I would not could not put up with such behavior.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Rock Solid... I basically tell her where I am if she wants to join me, then leave it at that. Like tonight, we are in Vegas for work for me, and she got mad at me twice.. Once at breakfast (no idea why yet) and she left me and went back to the room, and once when we were heading to dinner... she wanted sushi and I said, give me a kiss and we'll get sushi (since she hasn't talked to me all day) and she just said no and walked off. I went to dinner at a pub and told her where I was if she wanted to join me. *She blocked me on fb chat (does this every time she gets mad at me) and said she deserved a better guy... and one that doesn't leave her*.. I'm like ok even tho she left me twice lol.


Good grief, the childish streak is strong in this one. :slap: Double standard much?! The bolded sounds like something a BPD'er would say.

It sounds as if you are doing the correct thing, i.e. don't engage her anger, continue with your plans and invite her to join (all done calmly). The purpose of this is to give her no "pay off" (reaction from you) for her behavior. The thing is, most semi-normal people would realize that this behavior is no longer working and lead them to change or re-think it. It doesn't sound like your wife is "getting the message".

Have you tried having a calm discussion about these interactions at a time when she is not actively acting out? Talking to her in terms of how it makes you feel and why you disengage when she behaves like this?




MrNightly said:


> So I noticed you said ex husband.. couldn't get it to work out with his behavior?


Oh, I tried, believe me and for many years. Neither MC or me setting boundaries made any difference with my Ex. However he was eventually diagnosed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder and, boundaries just send those types into a rage.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Try plugging up the noise from her mouth with your shoe.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

@Uptown what is your opinion of this wife's behavior?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Red Sonja said:


> MrNightly said:
> 
> 
> > Rock Solid... I basically tell her where I am if she wants to join me, then leave it at that. Like tonight, we are in Vegas for work for me, and she got mad at me twice.. Once at breakfast (no idea why yet) and she left me and went back to the room, and once when we were heading to dinner... she wanted sushi and I said, give me a kiss and we'll get sushi (since she hasn't talked to me all day) and she just said no and walked off. I went to dinner at a pub and told her where I was if she wanted to join me. *She blocked me on fb chat (does this every time she gets mad at me) and said she deserved a better guy... and one that doesn't leave her*.. I'm like ok even tho she left me twice lol.
> ...


Yes, I've tried to talk about it, MC tried to talk about it, all to no avail. She just flips when ever it's brought up. She's a tough one to crack.

I'm content with just ignoring her fits.. I used to engage, pleas, beg, grovel to make her happy.. now i just say, "when you want to talk like an adult, let me know."

It's not getting better, but it's not getting worse either. Sometimes I just need to vent on here. 

She calls me an ******* all the time, and I'm starting to feel like one. Dunno if that's good or bad.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> Yes, I've tried to talk about it, MC tried to talk about it, all to no avail. She just flips when ever it's brought up. She's a tough one to crack.
> 
> I'm content with just ignoring her fits.. I used to engage, pleas, beg, grovel to make her happy.. now i just say, "when you want to talk like an adult, let me know."
> 
> ...


This is the woman who last year,despite you paying for her to go home to Thailand to see her family while you were working in Australia,buying her three gifts at Christmas and receiving nothing in return she then had the audacity to tell you 2017 was the worst year of her life.
You know she has cheated on you and you were having a dna test carried out on your child.How did that turn out?She has been violent and has thrown your possessions in the trash.And she calls the cops on you so you have a history with them at this stage.
But the scariest thing you have ever written about her was that she BIT her four and a half month old baby because the baby,who had no teeth bit her.
Do you come here for a laugh because you never take any advice that you are given.
How did the dna test go?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Red Sonja said:


> @*Uptown* what is your opinion of this wife's behavior?


Red, I agree with your statement (post #8) that the _"wife’s behavior is childish because it shows a lack of ability to regulate one’s emotion … especially the name-calling and yelling part. The behavior originates from immaturity, lack of respect and/or entitlement so I wouldn’t indulge it with a response."_



Red Sonja said:


> Good grief, the childish streak is strong in this one... like something a BPD'er would say.


Like you, @*Happy as a Clam* started suspecting BPD in *her post* last July in one of MrNightly's earlier threads. He agreed that his W seems to be exhibiting a strong pattern of BPD symptoms.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> MrNightly said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, I've tried to talk about it, MC tried to talk about it, all to no avail. She just flips when ever it's brought up. She's a tough one to crack.
> ...


Actually I have taken a ton of advice on here... I just don't want to divorce her.

DNA showed it was my kid. I also don't have proof she cheated on me, and i haven't been able to dig any up via phone logs etc. 

Yes, she can be difficult, but so can all of us. I just am looking for help on appropriate reactions to her nonsense. And a few laughs at the same time never hurt anyone right?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

If someone is angry but being constructive I will be too. e.g. "Why did you do that?" will typically get an explanation. OTOH if they're doing the theatrical I'm angry so now you have to be upset thing, I usually laugh at them.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

MrNightly said:


> I just am looking for help on appropriate reactions to her nonsense.


As suggested to you last July, there are 20 tips on how to best deal with obstinate BPDer patients in BPD on the Behavioral Unit. I also recommended BPDfamily's Bettering a Relationship board for tips on how to validate a BPDer's feelings. Did you find either of those resources to be helpful?


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Actually I have taken a ton of advice on here... I just don't want to divorce her.


But you served her with divorce papers back in October, if I'm not mistaken. Am I missing something here???



MrNightly said:


> Yes, she can be difficult, but so can all of us. I just am looking for help on appropriate reactions to her nonsense. And a few laughs at the same time never hurt anyone right?


I guess I don't see what is to laugh about here ... Sure, people can be difficult. But your wife sounds like a raging loon. Appropriate reactions to her "nonsense"??? My opinion of "appropriate" is obviously vastly different from yours. I'd hand her those divorce papers again. Jeesh. Life is too damn short for all the BS and drama.

P.S. - I have NO idea why you would stay in this circus. But then, it IS your circus ....


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> But you served her with divorce papers back in October, if I'm not mistaken. Am I missing something here???
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I cancelled the divorce after I found out that the baby was mine.

I don't want to raise my kid in a divorced home... again. I did this already with my 2 other kids and don't want to go through it again.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> I cancelled the divorce after I found out that the baby was mine.
> 
> I don't want to raise my kid in a divorced home... again. I did this already with my 2 other kids and don't want to go through it again.


Dude she BIT your four and a half month old baby and you seem to think that’s ok.WTF.
She should be wearing a muzzle,Hannibal Lecter had a suitable one.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Oh, and this isn't the first time, but basically whenever you do something she doesn't agreed with or doesn't get her way. (So I guess it isn't totally unknown to you... just unpredictable and without a lot of logical reasons why)


*Since it's a well-known fact that her behavior is of a recurrent pattern, I'd be letting her know not to let the door hit her in the a$$ ~ for the final time!*


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Okay, I get it. So because YOU don't want to raise kids from a divorced home, divorce is off the table.

As your kids from this marriage get older and witness firsthand the emotionally unstable behavior of your wife/their mother, I bet they won't agree with YOUR opinion ....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> Actually I have taken a ton of advice on here... I just don't want to divorce her.
> 
> DNA showed it was my kid. I also don't have proof she cheated on me, and i haven't been able to dig any up via phone logs etc.
> 
> Yes, she can be difficult, but so can all of us. I just am looking for help on appropriate reactions to her nonsense. And a few laughs at the same time never hurt anyone right?


This is not normal and it's not healthy. Your wife clearly has some serious issues. She is abusive towards you and abusive towards your child.



MrNightly said:


> I cancelled the divorce after I found out that the baby was mine.
> 
> I don't want to raise my kid in a divorced home... again. I did this already with my 2 other kids and don't want to go through it again.


Since you are dead set against divorce and are choosing to live with her in order to keep a two parent household for your child, it is in the best interests of your child that you learn how to deal with your wife effectively or your child is going to be MESSED UP big time. 

Furthermore, your wife is working on a paper trail to put you at a disadvantage. If she does something violent, call the police and file a report on her. Stop putting up with her antics. If you have nothing to prove her abuse, you will be at an extreme disadvantage if she decides to leave you or if she gets angry and wants to punish you by throwing you in jail. If she wants to take the baby away from you and have you pay child support, it will be fairly easy for her to do if she has documentation with the police, but much more difficult if you also have documentation. Seriously, your situation is significantly worse than you think it is. You are in denial. Wake up!




Uptown said:


> As suggested to you last July, there are 20 tips on how to best deal with obstinate BPDer patients in BPD on the Behavioral Unit. I also recommended BPDfamily's Bettering a Relationship board for tips on how to validate a BPDer's feelings. Did you find either of those resources to be helpful?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I wished my father had divorce my mother and taken us with him. My mother was nuts. She drank constantly. Was always angry. Had affairs with every man who looked at her when she was in her forties, up until she died.
She and my father fought like animals. She would hit him and curse and scream. Then, chased him around the house with knives. When things got worse he would disappear for a few days....weeks. He was finding god. Leaving us with her alone.

My mother used to beat me so bad, I would lay on the curled up and wish I would just die. The things is nobody knew...it was our secret. I would pray for summer to come to visit my relatives but that grew into its own nightmare. When I was about 15 I said enough...she tried to hit and I held back her hand and told her I would hit her back. I packed my stuff and moved in with my grandmother and aunty. I left my brothers and sisters behind. I needed to save me. 

When we were among family and friends, she would act like she was the best mother. Home was never safe and visiting relatives became even worse when my older cousin started to fancy me. My parents never protected me. They were too unstable to help me cope or even cared about what happened to me. My mother thought I was liking the attention given to me by my cousin. After all he was a man...

So, do yourself a favour think about your child. What is this relationship going to be like in 5, 10, 15 years? Do you think she will ever change? How will you protect your child? 

If I knew who you were, I will call CPS on you and your wife.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

This guy is a masochist and clearly thrives on this sort of perversion of character. He has all the info he needs already.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Magnesium said:


> This guy is a masochist and clearly thrives on this sort of perversion of character. He has all the info he needs already.


Y'know, I believe you are absolutely right. Why someone would put up with a woman this crazy is beyond me. Yes, he has all the info he needs. Not that it will make any difference.

My heart breaks for the child/children who will have to survive this mess of a marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MrNightly said:


> Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> 
> What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?


You need to figure out where you are in this feedback loop and then break the cycle. If you are not part of a feedback loop then she needs professional help as do you either in the form of marriage counseling or a divorce attorney.

My guess is that she is expecting some kind of reaction from you and you usually provide it. If so......STOP IT, change your behavior. 

My wife use to try to gain emotional distance by verbally and emotionally abusing me. It was a very hard lesson to learn that I was part of the problem. I had to learn to not take the bait when she tried to start a fight with me, I had to learn not to get mad at her, or show her I was angry. I have to become the strong mature adult in the relationship until she learned to control her emotions. 

Just wait until you have rebellious teenage kids, they will seem like childs play compared to this.

Good luck.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> I would say this is how some spoiled teenager acts when she don't get her way not how an adult acts that is in a loving relationship.
> 
> I would let hervwalk away and walk to my car as fast as possiblecand drive home.
> 
> ...


This is basically what I did and it worked! She eventually got the message, but unfortunately for her, it was too late. Oh well. 

I'm happier than ever!

(Read my initial post on TAM if you want to see my story.)


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

op

some people are afraid of the dentist

they only go when the tooth ache is bad enough to face their fears.

then they wonder why they didn't go sooner instead of living with the pain.

you only get one life to live. guess the pain isn't that bad...........yet.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

MrNightly said:


> Yes, I've tried to talk about it, MC tried to talk about it, all to no avail. She just flips when ever it's brought up.
> 
> ->She's a tough one to crack.<-


Well, no - you are.

You're putting up with it, no matter what. 

She was doing this before you were married. *Edward333* is pointing out the problem: she has to lose someone before she learns the lesson.

Ordinarily by teenage years this has been disciplined out of children, but they learn by losing a partner if they haven't gotten the message by then. 

You taught her that she gets to keep you even with this abominable behavior. It works, because when you try to talk about it she keeps tapping that go-to strategy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> My guess is that she is expecting some kind of reaction from you and you usually provide it. If so......STOP IT, change your behavior.



Just want to add that not only is she getting an expected reaction, she is actually rewarded and pleasured by the reaction. Our man MrNightly just don't have the wherewithal and kno how to stop it. The first thing is to realize her hissy fits are really not a big deal. Let her make a horses ass out of herself and just laugh about it. Chasing after her trying to get her to calm down is dumbest thing you can do. Let her be the Lone Ranger without you being Tonto. No more, "yes Kemosabe". 

My moto is if they are going to treat you like shyt, give them a reason.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> 
> What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?




I would not pursue. I would find something else to do and not seek to talk to her at all. When she did finally want to talk to me it would be obvious I was pissed off with her. I would never let it slide. Why would I be pissed off?

It’s not ok to treat someone bad without being able to communicate why you feel that way and leave them to wonder. 

Name calling is never ok with me. 

I would not let this type of behavior go without an apology because I respect myself enough to know that’s what’s right and I won’t stand for less. 

With that said I would always give her the same level of respect. I never call her names and if I’m mad I do my best to communicate why. Also if I screw up I own it and apologize.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

x598 said:


> op
> 
> some people are afraid of the dentist
> 
> ...


In all fairness, I've been to the dentist twice. Both times I was super glad I did.

I don't want to go a third time, both for pride sakes, and for that fear that I'm not giving it everything I have. Plus I'll be cleaned out on Child Support if I go right now, with her not working... so I'm better off just working through this.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

482 said:


> I would not pursue. I would find something else to do and not seek to talk to her at all. When she did finally want to talk to me it would be obvious I was pissed off with her. I would never let it slide. Why would I be pissed off?
> 
> It’s not ok to treat someone bad without being able to communicate why you feel that way and leave them to wonder.
> 
> ...


This is how I typically operate, but it doesn't work with this one. In fact, I'm starting to get confused on the details and wonder if I'm truly the one at fault with these blow ups. I was going to call them fights, but I don't fight back anymore. (Something i've learned on here)

For example:

her dad is having problems in Thailand with losing his house to foreclosure. She told me last week, and I said, "we'll find a way to help i'm sure. Let me know more details..." and then she didn't talk about it anymore. 2 nights ago in bed, after a couple solid days, I was holding her and telling her how I loved her and how I felt like we were becoming a great family... blah blah blah... she then out of the blue asked for money, by Friday. I said, Babe, i didn't know you needed the money so soon, and I need more info. Is this a gift, or a loan? She just got mad, said go **** yourself and you never take care of me crap, jumped out of bed and walked out of the room. I rolled over and went to sleep.

She didn't talk to me all the next day. I tried once to simply clarify that I needed more info on the money and she said, I never help her etc etc and to go **** myself and F me, and F F F F F everything about me to no end and that she hated me and never was going to talk to me again. (The backdrop being that a year ago we got a loan from her uncle and I repaid it in full but that I won't give her money when she needs it...)

So basically I can't tell if I'm a jerk and deserve what she is throwing (Nobody deserves to be yelled at like she does) but my 2nd ex also screamed and yelled at me for hours too, so maybe I'm actually doing something that deserves this? It's just confusing.

I'm not a machoist, I tell her point blankly, Dont talk to me like that, but it is always my fault from her. I wonder if she doesn't have BPD but I'm actually just a terrible communicator? Of course, I know in my heart that she has the maturity of a 4 year old, but day in and day out makes me start to question everything...


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> You need to figure out where you are in this feedback loop and then break the cycle. If you are not part of a feedback loop then she needs professional help as do you either in the form of marriage counseling or a divorce attorney.
> 
> My guess is that she is expecting some kind of reaction from you and you usually provide it. If so......STOP IT, change your behavior.
> 
> ...


This is solid.

I am trying to figure out what I do that encourages her reactions. I don't have it completely figured out, but I don't chase her anymore, don't beg, don't react in anger, and tell her it's not acceptable for her to talk to me the way she does in anger. Her episodes have shortened from 5 days to 1 or 2 days... but she still never apologizes, and always says I hurt her feelings deeply.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Uptown said:


> As suggested to you last July, there are 20 tips on how to best deal with obstinate BPDer patients in BPD on the Behavioral Unit. I also recommended BPDfamily's Bettering a Relationship board for tips on how to validate a BPDer's feelings. Did you find either of those resources to be helpful?


Uptown,

Yes, I found both to be helpful. I joined the BDP Family site. It's much slower there, but lots of good resource material to delve into.

I am not certain that BDP is the issue after analyzing it for a year now... I just think that she has expectations that marriage is perfect at all times. Any time I even have inflection or sarcasm or incredulousness in my voice, she blows up and calls me a jerk and that she deserves better. If I am perfectly monotone, never get excited about anything and always give her everything she wants, she's perfect! When I try to talk about adult things, like money, sex, child rearing, etc it's fruitless. 

I basically feel that I can tickle and kid around with her and talk about light surfacy things only... but anytime I try to talk about the relationship, etc it's over. And she just attacks with words, (Which suck as my love language is a 12 for words of affirmation) saying things like, I don't love you, and "I deserve a real man" and other things that are very hurtful. 

Then I look at it, and while her "Hurt" she feels from me isn't reasonable IMO, it is to her. So I have to gingerly figure out how to love her, without spoiling her. I can't legitimately say that my hurt is real, and her's isn't can I? She is deeply hurt by the littlest thing/comment that isn't even meant negatively by me, which just starts the ball spinning again.

Yes, my learning how to walk away from the hate helps stop it sooner, but I keep holding onto the belief that she'll learn to communicate and we can reduce these episodes to less and less frequently.

Please tell me my hope is somewhat founded in reality....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not. I'm sorry. This woman has a personality disorder. You can't solve this problem!!


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> I am not certain that BDP is the issue after analyzing it for a year now... I just think that she has expectations that marriage is perfect at all times. Any time I even have inflection or sarcasm or incredulousness in my voice, she blows up and calls me a jerk and that she deserves better. *If I am perfectly monotone, never get excited about anything and always give her everything she wants, she's perfect!* When I try to talk about adult things, like money, sex, child rearing, etc it's fruitless.
> 
> I basically feel that I can tickle and kid around with her and talk about light surfacy things only... but anytime I try to talk about the relationship, etc it's over. And she just attacks with words, (Which suck as my love language is a 12 for words of affirmation) *saying things like, I don't love you, and "I deserve a real man" and other things that are very hurtful. *
> 
> ...


She has the maturity of a spoiled child. She has learned to get her way with insults and temper tantrums until she gets whatever it is she wants, that she doesn't want to do the work for herself (everything, from the sounds of it).

Maybe it worked for her family, and it became an integral part of her personality. It's now working on you, at least to a certain extent, because you are modifying YOUR behaviour to accommodate hers, instead of the other way around. You tiptoe around adult issues, modulate your own emotions and needs into non-existence, and live to serve her.

Her 'hurt' first of all, is exaggerated, as it's a means to an end - to get you to give in to her demands. And second, she needs to learn to grow up and manage her emotions like an adult.

You need to stand firm, not treat her gingerly. You need to learn to condition her out of this bad behaviour. Kind of like training a child. Or a dog, maybe. She will only learn to be better if you teach her.

If she wants to financially support her father, she can make like an adult, and get a job to be able to afford this.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Any time I even have inflection or sarcasm or incredulousness in my voice, she blows up and calls me a jerk and that she deserves better.
> 
> If I am perfectly monotone, never get excited about anything and always give her everything she wants, she's perfect!
> 
> ...


This actually makes me feel sad. Life is so damn short; I hope you aren't on your deathbed regretting the time you spent in this type of relationship hell.

I certainly cannot diagnose your wife's problem. You certainly can't solve it. And it sounds like you have done about everything you can. You can't fix her, regardless of whether she is just a nasty, entitled person or actually has some type of personality disorder. It's on her to fix that.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

chillymorn69 said:


> Maybe shes on the spectrum?
> 
> I wouldn't care if they were I would not could not put up with such behavior.


Yes, maybe this.


----------



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> She has the maturity of a spoiled child. She has learned to get her way with insults and temper tantrums until she gets whatever it is she wants, that she doesn't want to do the work for herself (everything, from the sounds of it).
> 
> Maybe it worked for her family, and it became an integral part of her personality. It's now working on you, at least to a certain extent, because you are modifying YOUR behaviour to accommodate hers, instead of the other way around. You tiptoe around adult issues, modulate your own emotions and needs into non-existence, and live to serve her.
> 
> ...


Yes, this is right. 

I am learning, really I am. I want to help her get better, by standing firm and training her. 

In her defense, she had the utmost worst childhood imaginable, with mom dying at age 12 from cancer, and she accidentally killed her twin sister in a car accident at 17... and her step-mom trying to kill her with poisoning... so I can understand that she was never taught anything really. Some of her questions, when she is normal, I can't help but go, "Awwww..." with the innoscence and child-like way she just wants to learn new things. It shows that she just doesn't know so much.

This is what is keeping me around. I believe she just needs to learn how to be an adult. If she so chooses.

So helping her with "Teaching" is not easy for an adult child. That's how I have been thinking lately, is that she is an adult baby. I just don't know how to do this completely! Anybody have a resource for teaching adult children how to control their emotions? :L


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> This actually makes me feel sad. Life is so damn short; I hope you aren't on your deathbed regretting the time you spent in this type of relationship hell.
> 
> I certainly cannot diagnose your wife's problem. You certainly can't solve it. And it sounds like you have done about everything you can. You can't fix her, regardless of whether she is just a nasty, entitled person or actually has some type of personality disorder. It's on her to fix that.


Nah, if this one falls apart, I'll never be in another long term relationship ever. 3 strikes and I'm out!

Besides, I'll be too busy trying to make a ton of money to pay child support again to her on top of the child support I already pay for my first 2 kids! Haha... at least only 4 more years for my oldest to get support to her wonderful loving kind mom


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> This is how I typically operate, but it doesn't work with this one. In fact, I'm starting to get confused on the details and wonder if I'm truly the one at fault with these blow ups. I was going to call them fights, but I don't fight back anymore. (Something i've learned on here)
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Omg yes this would never fly with me and it’s far from your fault. Go **** yourself and I hate you, not ok. Never has been never would be. Total lack of respect and blatant disregard for how she is making you feel. Does she ever come out and say “I’m sorry I said those things you don’t deserve that. I’m having a hard time with X Y and Z and I took it out on you.” Or does she just continue to act like the way she is treating you is ok? If by saying that’s how I used to be you mean you would stand up for yourself and demand respect and now you do not you have lost your way my man. People (not only your wife) will treat you any way you allow them too. Also big decisions like this should be handled and discussed as a couple. You are 100% right to want to discuss it. How well do you know her dad can you contact him directly? Maybe she wants the money for something else and is acting like an ass because you have questions and she does not want to be put on the spot. I don’t know what the issues are that cause her to act this way. One thing I do know is you need to man up and demand respect from people in your life. Not in a tyrannical way but because you give respect to those who deserve it and will not accept any less in return. You will be amazed with what happens.....


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

MrNightly said:


> Actually I have taken a ton of advice on here... I just don't want to divorce her.
> 
> DNA showed it was my kid. I also don't have proof she cheated on me, and i haven't been able to dig any up via phone logs etc.
> 
> Yes, she can be difficult, but so can all of us. I just am looking for help on appropriate reactions to her nonsense. And a few laughs at the same time never hurt anyone right?


 @MrNightly, if you aren't going to divorce her, then most of us here have very empty advice for you. Normal relationship advice does NOT work for BPD. 

You need to talk to a professional experienced in handling BPD and learn from them the best ways to live with her condition. 

And you should be going to IC yourself because dealing with a BPD long term is going to test your sanity every step of the way.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> This is solid.
> 
> 
> 
> I am trying to figure out what I do that encourages her reactions. I don't have it completely figured out, but I don't chase her anymore, don't beg, don't react in anger, and tell her it's not acceptable for her to talk to me the way she does in anger. Her episodes have shortened from 5 days to 1 or 2 days... but she still never apologizes, and always says I hurt her feelings deeply.


on



Demand that apology before you move on! Get ****ing mad! It’s not ok for her or anyone else to treat you this way! It’s not ok to just take it laying down like you are. If not for her do it for you next wife, kids if any, friend and family. The message should be clear. Say it with me. I give respect to those who deserve it and will not accept anything less in return. You are showing everyone it’s ok to treat you like **** because you will just take it! Worse than that you will convince yourself it’s your fault and feel bad about it. Man the **** up. I’m sure you will hand over the money any day now like a doormat. 

You are sending a horrible message it goes like this

You can lose your **** and treat me horrible and I will just take it. I will not even respond in anger or tell you I will not allow it and demand an apology. I will be your doormat. 

She is challenging you and you are failing

The response in the moment should be don’t ****ing talk to me like that. Not now, not ever. It’s not ok with me and it never will be. If you continue to do this and never apologizing when you do I am leaving you. I will not allow you or anyone else in my life to treat me like this. I deserve to be respected. Before you can say this you have to mean it. 

Then every time you interact from that point on she should get the same vibe from you. You are pissed with her. 

This should continue until a real heartfelt apology is given. 

Over time the apology will come much sooner. 

Over more time you will be able to do all of this completely non verbal 80% of the time. 

Stop being a doormat and demand respect. Since I have done this in my life I don’t even recognize the person I was before. Fake it till you make it if necessary.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

482 said:


> on
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thank you for your post. It means a lot.

I take this approach these days. I wish it was as simple as you write above. I honestly do. However, in the real world, at least with her, when I demand respect and that she doesn't ever talk to me that way, and then walk away, she always throws it back in my face that, "What goes around, comes around." That's her favorite line. Then, as soon as I demand respect, she demands a divorce. So I have been telling her, I'll be right here if you want to file papers. 

She know's I don't want a divorce. but she can't think reasonably, especially when she gets mad. She withdraws inside herself, and shuts me out and blames the world. She ended a relationship with her BFF because her BFF showed up at our house with her husband, and called her out on some wild claims she was making. Hasn't spoken to her in months because of it. I keep in touch with them both on FB and it's really sad. Anyone that stands up to her, she blocks and runs away from. Hell, she blocks me on FB when she gets mad. I just laugh it off to her face now, and block her back. 

So conventional methods of breaking through to her don't work. She has to learn to control her emotions, and she doesn't accept responsiblity for her actions/words. She tells me regularly, that because I joked with our photographer (My mom and dad were there this fall for family pictures and I asked them if I was at all inapporpriate and they said, ABSOLUTELY NOT!) about little things to keep the convo moving during photos, that she was going to flirt with other guys just to show me what it felt like! I'm like what?! I didn't flirt with her, she was like, you'll see what i feels like.

Every time I leave the house for work, EVERYTIME, she tells me we aren't married and that I can go "F#$^" another woman, because we aren't married... and we are both single so she'll do whatever she wants too. I just tell her OK these days and that I love her then leave. luckly I work from home most of the time. I went on a series of sales calls the other morning, locally, for 4 hours. She flipped out and said I was cheating on her.

It's so flipping messed up when I type it out, I don't know if there is any hope. I do stand up for myself, every time, but it doesn't do any good. I am also very quick to forgive, so usually within a couple hours, I'll try to talk with her again but that doesn't work.

After a day or 2, depending on her "hurt" level from me, she'll act like nothing ever happened and move on with life. If I try to bring up the past days to get closure, she regresses again into the shell and takes another day or two to come out.

I am content with the following situation I suppose:

She gets "hurt" by me. She screams and calls me names. I tell her to not talk to me that way, ever. She says it's all my fault. 2 hours pass. I analyize if I reacted or did something hurtful. I will find her in the house, and tell her I'm sorry she got hurt (Not apologize for myself, because I typically can't figure out what I did that was hurtful) and then leave her alone until she comes out of it.

No defending myself. No trying to reason with her. It just doesn't work. So I've concluded that I'm either a 1st class a--hole and can't ever have success with women, or I have a very sensitive difficult woman that needs love regardless of her actions. But I'm not a doormat. I walk away from violent angry words and situations after telling her to treat me like an adult and when she can carry on an adult conversation, find me. (She never finds me lol that should tell me something huh?)


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Satya said:


> @MrNightly, if you aren't going to divorce her, then most of us here have very empty advice for you. Normal relationship advice does NOT work for BPD.
> 
> You need to talk to a professional experienced in handling BPD and learn from them the best ways to live with her condition.
> 
> And you should be going to IC yourself because dealing with a BPD long term is going to test your sanity every step of the way.


I'm starting to realize that Satya, regarding advice.

Doing what the books suggest doesn't work.

I need to find an IC. We were trying MC, but wife walked out after 3 sessions saying that the MC asked too many questions about her past and she wouldn't accept it. I should just go to IC alone.

I'm waiting until our 10month old baby girl (Who is a complete doll) gets a lot older before I'll even consider divorce. And hoping that in the meantime I can bunker down and maybe, just maybe, find the secret combination to help my wife break through to adulthood.


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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> Thank you for your post. It means a lot.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She treats you like an *******. She has no respect and you allow it.


----------



## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

MrNightly said:


> I'm starting to realize that Satya, regarding advice.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Seems like she is not willing. You’re killing yourself trying and she is nowhere to be found. Do you really want your daughter growing up and seeing this kind of behavior. I think it’s best for her to witness a strong man. A happy man that knows how to find his happiness and will not accept disrespect in his family.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

482 said:


> She treats you like an *******. She has no respect and you allow it.


by allow it, you mean I don't divorce her?

That's not really helpful. 

And one can't truly demand respect.. a person either has it or doesn't. She doesn't respect me and makes it clear. 

How do you (personal example? ) ensure your SO gives you respect?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> And one can't truly demand respect.. a person either has it or doesn't. She doesn't respect me and makes it clear.
> 
> How do you (personal example? ) ensure your SO gives you respect?


I divorced the one that didn't, and don't date anyone else who doesn't.

Consider that you are doing your daughter more damage by letting her grow up with this example of how to behave than you would divorcing your wife and raising your daughter half the time.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Every time I leave the house for work, EVERYTIME, she tells me we aren't married and that I can go "F#$^" another woman, because we aren't married... and we are both single so she'll do whatever she wants too.


This is not only abusive, it is cruel and twisted. And I don't buy the BS that you are staying because you don't want to pay child support. Hell, I'd rather work my tail off to pay child support than tolerate this kind of crap.

It boils down to you facing your own demons. Sorry, but she isn't worth it. I'm all for trying to salvage a marriage, but there comes a point when it's time to cut your losses. I know. I had to do it myself. I had some challenges to face, but it was worth having peace of mind. And that peace is worth the price I had to pay. Seriously.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

MrNightly said:


> Let's say your wife when out in public, gets mad for unknown reasons to you, and walks away. Reacts aggressively with lots of name calling etc when you reconnect.
> 
> What do you say or do? Pursue? Or let her walk away and act indifferent?


It sounds like you've married a teenage girl, rather than a mature adult. Until your wife decides to act like an adult, treat her like the teenager she is and ignore the behavior. Like a teenager, she'll probably stop when she sees it doesn't get her anywhere.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> This is not only abusive, it is cruel and twisted. And I don't buy the BS that you are staying because you don't want to pay child support. Hell, I'd rather work my tail off to pay child support than tolerate this kind of crap.
> 
> It boils down to you facing your own demons. Sorry, but she isn't worth it. I'm all for trying to salvage a marriage, but there comes a point when it's time to cut your losses. I know. I had to do it myself. I had some challenges to face, but it was worth having peace of mind. And that peace is worth the price I had to pay. Seriously.


I came home from a 1 night trip to Dallas today, and like always, she takes her ring off when I travel. I saw it on the nightstand by the bed and I took it this time! Put it in my sock drawer. I guess if she doesn't want to wear her ring when I travel, she doesn't get to wear it when I'm home. 

Yes, I have plenty of demons. But in my mind, it's not about child support, not child support etc. It's about trying. I've got a bad record going here... 1st Wife cheated on me, I divorced her. 2nd Wife lasted 3 days before she said it was a mistake and wanted out. 3rd Wife is a child. I am the central issue, or at least my picker has been broken. I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I tried with everything that I have in my body to make it work. I didn't try in the first one. That's why she wandered. Didn't try in the second because it was over before it started. I have to TRY. And I am trying. And learning. I've learned a ton from this current marriage. I have learned I will never marry again! Hahahaha...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Nothing you do will cure your wife's disordered personality. You will be wasting your time "trying.". In this case, wanting to "try" is actually evidence that you are emotionally UNhealthy.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> It's about trying. I've got a bad record going here... 1st Wife cheated on me, I divorced her. 2nd Wife lasted 3 days before she said it was a mistake and wanted out. 3rd Wife is a child. I am the central issue, or at least my picker has been broken. I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I tried with everything that I have in my body to make it work. I didn't try in the first one. That's why she wandered. Didn't try in the second because it was over before it started. I have to TRY. And I am trying.


I'm all for trying. But a marriage is about two people. She is not trying. Did you ever watch "Friends"? There is one episode where Ross doesn't want to give Rachel a divorce because he doesn't want it to read on his tombstone, "Ross Geller - THREE Divorces." 

This is not only about your picker being broken, it is about you coming from a pride position. I think it would somehow injure your pride to admit you don't make wise choices in wives. THAT is on you. But trying to drag this albatross around is not the answer.

P.S. - Doing everything you have isn't gonna make one damn bit of difference here. You are married to a cruel, abusive harpy. Rid yourself of her - and love yourself enough to do it.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Nothing you do will cure your wife's disordered personality. You will be wasting your time "trying.". In this case, wanting to "try" is actually evidence that you are emotionally UNhealthy.


Sorry that was poorly written by me.

Trying as in, trying everything I can on my end, to make the marriage work. NOT trying to fix her. You can't fix stupid, I realize that. But I don't want to be a quitter personally.

Is that clearer?


----------



## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> I'm all for trying. But a marriage is about two people. She is not trying. Did you ever watch "Friends"? There is one episode where Ross doesn't want to give Rachel a divorce because he doesn't want it to read on his tombstone, "Ross Geller - THREE Divorces."
> 
> This is not only about your picker being broken, it is about you coming from a pride position. I think it would somehow injure your pride to admit you don't make wise choices in wives. THAT is on you. But trying to drag this albatross around is not the answer.
> 
> P.S. - Doing everything you have isn't gonna make one damn bit of difference here. You are married to a cruel, abusive harpy. Rid yourself of her - and love yourself enough to do it.


Yes, you are very spot on with this.

Very wise analysis on myself.

I'm trying to come to grips with the PS part...


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> I came home from a 1 night trip to Dallas today, and like always, she takes her ring off when I travel. I saw it on the nightstand by the bed and I took it this time! Put it in my sock drawer. I guess if she doesn't want to wear her ring when I travel, she doesn't get to wear it when I'm home.


That's a really passive-aggressive reaction. It's her ring, let her do what she wants with it. But what YOU have to do, is figure out WHY she is doing that. My guess is that she is wearing it for appearance's sake. When you're around, she acts married. When you're not, she acts single. So, why would that be? Hmmm.

Have you ever tried asking her why she takes it off when you are not home? And in a curious way, not a confrontational one.



MrNightly said:


> Yes, I have plenty of demons. But in my mind, it's not about child support, not child support etc. It's about trying. I've got a bad record going here... 1st Wife cheated on me, I divorced her. 2nd Wife lasted 3 days before she said it was a mistake and wanted out. 3rd Wife is a child. I am the central issue, or at least my picker has been broken. I want to be able to look in the mirror and know that I tried with everything that I have in my body to make it work. I didn't try in the first one. That's why she wandered. Didn't try in the second because it was over before it started. I have to TRY. And I am trying. And learning. I've learned a ton from this current marriage. I have learned I will never marry again! Hahahaha...


You do need to fix your picker, yes. But how long are you dating these women before you get married? Did you truly understand any of them? Did you live together for a couple of years first? Usually, disordered people can only keep up their facade for so long. If you rush things, even the best picker hasn't had enough time to work yet.



MrNightly said:


> Trying as in, trying everything I can on my end, to make the marriage work. NOT trying to fix her. You can't fix stupid, I realize that. But I don't want to be a quitter personally.


Look up the fallacy of sunk costs.

Sometimes the best thing is to know when to quit, not to refuse to ever quit.

Making a marriage work requires effort from two people. You don't have that. If you stop, it's not being a quitter, it's just acknowledging that even Herculean effort on your part still won't accomplish anything if your wife doesn't also participate.


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## annierose7995 (Mar 11, 2018)

I'm a wife not a husband but if my husband did that to me, I would do whatever I could to preserve my respect. If I thought walking after him would just lead to me getting into a fight which will not help the situation and cause him to think it's okay for him to act that way, then I would let him go off and cool down, and believe me, I have done that before. When he's ready to apologise, he can. I know that a lot of women when men pursue them in their emotional outbursts will see that as reason to continue acting out in the future. If they know they can do that and then get what they want out of it or be pursued and then emotionally comforted or agreed with.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> That's a really passive-aggressive reaction. It's her ring, let her do what she wants with it. But what YOU have to do, is figure out WHY she is doing that. My guess is that she is wearing it for appearance's sake. When you're around, she acts married. When you're not, she acts single. So, why would that be? Hmmm.
> 
> Have you ever tried asking her why she takes it off when you are not home? And in a curious way, not a confrontational one.


Yes, we've talked about it at least half a dozen times. I have expressed that it bothers me when I leave town, she takes the ring off. She one time said, it's because "I'm cleaning" .. then another, that she just took it off right before I came home. The reason doesn't matter. She just takes it off, because internally she feels I am cheating on her when I travel (I'm not and never have or would) and therefore isn't married when I travel. She's said as much repeatedly.

I don't want to be passive-aggressive, so i'll put it back. I just figured after multiple times, she must not care what I think and therefore doesn't want it... but that was just a game and I see that I should just ignore it now.




Hopeful Cynic said:


> You do need to fix your picker, yes. But how long are you dating these women before you get married? Did you truly understand any of them? Did you live together for a couple of years first? Usually, disordered people can only keep up their facade for so long. If you rush things, even the best picker hasn't had enough time to work yet.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, i've always rushed into marriage. My 1st was my 1st. we were both virgins. The 2nd, was the first after the initial divorce. The 3rd, I waited 3-4 years, dated a few, realized they were crazy and didn't marry them... then this 3rd got pregnant and I married her to do the honorable thing (long story, but she had told me that she was medically unable to have a baby and that we didn't need protection... I took her word for it. Good lord, what an idiot I was!)

I do truly appreciate the insight. It's being weighed very seriously in my mind.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MrNightly said:


> She blocked me on fb chat (does this every time she gets mad at me) and said she deserved a better guy...


I thought there were laws against grown adult men marrying 12 year old kids.

How the hell do you stand her?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Yes, i've always rushed into marriage. ... then this 3rd got pregnant and I married her to do the honorable thing (long story, but she had told me that she was medically unable to have a baby and that we didn't need protection... I took her word for it.


So she's not only cruel and abusive, but she's a liar too. This mess is on YOU. And you owe it to yourself to figure out why you keep jumping into marriage way too fast. Ever heard the old saying, "Starving people make poor grocery shoppers"? In this case, it is obviously quite true. Sorry, but you are bringing a lot of this misery on yourself by not taking the time to let a relationship develop. 

Get rid of this evil spawn. Work on getting back your self-respect/self-esteem. You not only married this maniac, you are attempting tolerate her. You have now moved from victim to volunteer. Time to reclaim your life.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> So she's not only cruel and abusive, but she's a liar too. This mess is on YOU. And you owe it to yourself to figure out why you keep jumping into marriage way too fast. Ever heard the old saying, "Starving people make poor grocery shoppers"? In this case, it is obviously quite true. Sorry, but you are bringing a lot of this misery on yourself by not taking the time to let a relationship develop.
> 
> Get rid of this evil spawn. Work on getting back your self-respect/self-esteem. You not only married this maniac, you are attempting tolerate her. You have now moved from victim to volunteer. Time to reclaim your life.


Yes, I realize my picker was broken. Lucky for me, I don't have to pick anyone again if this falls apart even.

However, I don't think she's an evil spawn. I think she's an immature brat at times. I put up with her, because the good times are amazing, she is a perfect 10 in looks/body and exactly a fit for who I want in a life partner. Obviously she needs to grow up. 

I got her to talk last night (been 3 or 4 days) and she leveled with me and said that she retaliates when I "Snip at her." 3 times in the last 2 years to be exact. I tried to pin down details and she said my reactions make "What goes around comes around." When asked if violent angry blow-ups of "F U" and "I don't love you" and "I hate you's"... seem like a fair return to a sarcastic or ill-phrased word from me, she said yes.

I don't know how to get around this one. 

So ya, I could divorce her and life would be a lot more simple... In my heart, I really am deeply in love with her. That's why it's so hard to split this up, because the 50% of good times, are exactly what I want. Every relationship has issues. 

anyways... I've beat this death I fear.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

She's exactly a fit for who you want in a life partner???! Then... why are you here complaining about her?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Livvie said:


> She's exactly a fit for who you want in a life partner???! Then... why are you here complaining about her?


Funny. The good part of her is. The crazy part is why I'm talking.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

MrNightly said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > She's exactly a fit for who you want in a life partner???! Then... why are you here complaining about her?
> ...


Well then she's not "exactly a fit" then, is she?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> I think *she's an immature brat at times*. I put up with her, because the good times are amazing, *she is a perfect 10 in looks/body *and exactly a fit for who I want in a life partner.
> 
> When asked if *violent angry blow-ups of "F U" and "I don't love you" and "I hate you's"*... seem like a fair return to a sarcastic or ill-phrased word from me, she said yes.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I agree with you. This has been beat to death. Time to close the book. Because I will tell you in all honesty that you and your wife deserve each other. ^^THIS.^^ Dude, you are one sick puppy. I don't think there is anything anyone here can do to help you.

And wait till her "perfect 10" looks/body are 70 years old. Bet it won't rock your world then. 

In this case, you truly will get what you deserve. I'm outta here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrNightly said:


> Rock Solid... I basically tell her where I am if she wants to join me, then leave it at that. Like tonight, we are in Vegas for work for me, and she got mad at me twice.. Once at breakfast (no idea why yet) and she left me and went back to the room, and once when we were heading to dinner... she wanted sushi and I said, give me a kiss and we'll get sushi (since she hasn't talked to me all day) and she just said no and walked off. I went to dinner at a pub and told her where I was if she wanted to join me. She blocked me on fb chat (does this every time she gets mad at me) and said she deserved a better guy... and one that doesn't leave her.. I'm like ok even tho she left me twice lol.
> 
> I've learned to tune out her complaints because she can just get nasty with them...
> 
> So I noticed you said ex husband.. couldn't get it to work out with his behavior?


Do the two of you ever argue/fight.. I mean verbally, really go at it?

It sounds to me like she want you engage her in an angry fight.

I used to know a woman who did this. It pissed her off that her husband was always on a even keel emotionally. She was bi-polar and wanted him to get just as angry as she was and argue/fight.

She was, well nuts. He eventually divorced her.


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## [email protected] (Mar 1, 2018)

MrNightly said:


> Anybody have a resource for teaching adult children how to control their emotions? :L


I like Dr. George Simon's work. The quickest read is "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". But he has a lot of other resources too.

The main thrust is to stop being manipulated by learning to recognize every tactic the character-disordered use. People stop using tactics that no longer work for them. 

The problem here is that you drank for 40 years and want to know how to fix your liver now, so to speak. It is loooong past the time to have dealt with the matter. You accepted this behavior because in your eyes she was beautiful and sexy. 

I just gave a beautiful 19 year old with a perfect body the boot. Over exactly the same thing. Drama. Once she thought she had me, she pulled a number of stunts to try manipulating me to frustration, confusion, and anger. But I need a team-mate who is going to help my working life. Not a saboteur. 

I really did love her and was proud of her for a number of things. My wife is coming in three days and I know she is going to try reconciling us. But regardless I have already done the next guy a favor by imposing a pretty embarrassing cost upon her.

I know Thai girls, I lived with a Thai girlfriend at her home province and left her too for the same reason. You know how important saving face is for them. She lost the Falang she so proudly strutted around with because she acted only a fraction as bad as yours did.

Same thing now. I did something really huge for this girl and her family - hundreds of people from her neighborhood came to see. Then suddenly I am gone in the twinkling of an eye. One day she is a superstar, and the next day she is nothing. She thought my act of kindness meant she had a lock on me and she could act out. 

I gave her one warning. She was twenty minutes late coming home. She did some other things I probably should have warned her about, she's just a teen, but the only way they really learn is by losing a guy over it. 

Even going back to her, if my wife's probable plan is successful, it will have already been a big lesson with everyone wanting to know what happened to me. I have done the next guy a favor. You did yourself no favors by putting up with it when it mattered most: at the beginning. 

Your girl is going to lose her looks like they all do. Father time is invincible. I'm amazed you've put up with it this long. Plenty of stunning Thai girls wanting Falang husbands.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@MrNightly - In case you return, just to give you the head's up - I put you on ignore. Sorry, but I simply cannot read another one of your posts. SERIOUSLY.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

Prodigal said:


> @MrNightly - In case you return, just to give you the head's up - I put you on ignore. Sorry, but I simply cannot read another one of your posts. SERIOUSLY.


Well, thanks for your time. Sorry my personal life is too rough to handle and you must resort to blocking/ignoring. Hmmm, who does that sound like here? 

You won't read this, so no worries. However, love does crazy things. If my pronouncing love for my wife, is too much, then so be it. 

And the looks comment was simply because it's true... she's stunning.


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

[email protected] said:


> I like Dr. George Simon's work. The quickest read is "In Sheep's Clothing - Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People". But he has a lot of other resources too.
> 
> The main thrust is to stop being manipulated by learning to recognize every tactic the character-disordered use. People stop using tactics that no longer work for them.
> 
> ...


Good advice. I'll look up the book. Thank you!


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Do the two of you ever argue/fight.. I mean verbally, really go at it?
> 
> It sounds to me like she want you engage her in an angry fight.
> 
> ...


Yes we argue at times.

We had a pretty good one the other night. And to her credit, she was able to talk it through. I think this was the first time.

I laid an ultimatium on her: 1) we can talk this thru like adults or 2) we get a divorce.

She eventually talked it through. We've been back on track for a couple days now. 

I know I add to the problem. She told me 2 things I could work on, which I'm doing. (not rejecting her physical advances (2 times she asked to cuddle and I rejected it in the past 2 years) and not being snippy at her (3 times in the past 2 years she could identify)) She is working on several things that I told her needed to get fixed as well that I laid into her with (not ignoring, not screaming at me, showing respect regardless of agreement)

She isn't a cheater. She is just immature. But, based on the last conversation we had, she wants to grow up with me.

I'm sorry that my love for her refuses to throw in the towel immediately at the first signs of drama. I will fight for us, until we have no hope. We currently have hope, so while this may be "Ignore" worthy for some in this thread, it's just love finding a way for me.


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