# How do we get the love back?



## TwoChicks

My fiance and I have been together almost three years and started off madly in love, moved in within three months and engaged in six months... We have so many pros to being together, deep down. There have been various issues within our relationship that have nearly torn us apart, not issues to be taken lightly. At this point, we threaten our relationship on a weekly basis, telling the other to leave etc, our small arguments escalate very fast and get to a point that they never should. No more. I'm done with it. 
We have concluded that the poor treatment of eachother and the words we choose to say has led to a loss of love. We unconditionally love one another but there is no sign of being_ in love_. Sex is nearly nonexistent and she refuses to even try. 

My question is: What works to get the love back? How do we get back to a place where we want and desire eachother in every way? We need to reconnect again. 

We have considered counselling as a couple but so far, we have only gone to our own separate sessions. (which made a difference for me). There are so many complexities that I could add but these are the basics. Help!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wellseasoned

Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment. 
If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.

When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace! :smile2:


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## Herschel

wellseasoned said:


> Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
> If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.
> 
> When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace! :smile2:


I can't disagree more. You get married, move in and then are incompatible, what then? You moved in way too early, that;s the problem. You let the infatuation drive the relationship.

All you can do is work on yourself and hope she works on herself. Is she committed to the relationship? Is she 100% in? If she isn't, then you really need to cut and run. Don't waste your time, effort, youth and even money if your SO isn't 100% committed to you.


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## EllisRedding

Maybe your relationship has run its course and you are no longer compatible. I think I have seen mentioned that typically you get the "hormonal high" effect for the first 12-18 months. You are past that stage, so maybe what is left isn't enough for either of you?

However, honestly, your post is way too vague. I would imagine you may need to provide more details to get better feedback (what are the issues not to be taken lightly, what is causing these weekly relationship threats, why won't she have sex, etc...)


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## *Deidre*

wellseasoned said:


> Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
> If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.
> 
> When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace! :smile2:


Excellent advice! My fiance and I broke up recently as he wanted to move in, and I didn't. And he wasn't budging, and neither was I. Oh well...lol I think that people become too comfortable when they move in, before getting married.


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## CharlieParker

TwoChicks said:


> No more. I'm done with it.


What does that mean? 



TwoChicks said:


> Sex is nearly nonexistent and she refuses to even try.


So many long term red flags. Does she give you a reason?


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## sokillme

First I hate to be cynical but make sure she isn't cheating. I have read enough stories on here. 

Are sure you understand the difference between long term love and the initial butterfly love/lust that you get in what they call the honeymoon period? The first is exciting and intense, the second I like to describe as a warm fire when it raining out. Or having school called off when there is snow outside and sleeping in. That to me is what love should feel like. 

Do you try to romance her? For instance I leave posted notes around the house in her purse and stuff telling her how great she is, how lucky I am, and most importantly how hot she is. Do that or your version of that and you may be able to break her hurt down, this will bring you back to the open place where you can heal. Partially it takes you humbly asking her to give you a chance. If you can get to that point then it is probably time to talk about what the issues were and deal with your role in that. You need to sincerely apologize, you need to show her you understand why she was hurt. Don't just apologizes during that talk, but apologizes out of the blue when her guard is down, "hey, I want you to know, I know what I did, I see how that hurt you and I am working to never let that happen again." Then move hell on earth so that you never do that again. 

Most likely your sex life will not improve until you do this. Most woman need to at least feel emotionally safe/connected to have continuous sex with someone. They may go through the motions but usually that is only for a short time. For us it is much easier to separate, for most woman that is not true. For us to have sex our physical parts need to work, if not no sex. For woman to at least want to have sex there emotional parts to work. To be crude, she needs an emotional hard on. 

Do not marry until you can learn how have health arguments. Arguing is for solving problems, it's intense negotiation. If you are not doing that you are not doing it right. You always here people say marriage is hard, but it should be hard because you should always be working to be a good partner. Do you have any hobbies? How much time do you spend on them? You need to treat your marriage like that. That means learning about women, her, communication, sex stuff like that. Your focus on your marriage should be at least as much as your hobbies. Actually more so. 

Finally after all if you are willing to put in that kind of effort the last thing I would say is don't be a pushover. Demand the same about of work from her. Don't be passive in your life. Don't be one of these guys on here who are willing to be treated badly because they don't want to be alone. People need to be partners with people they respect, if you don't respect yourself they will never respect you.


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## knobcreek

If you're not married the issues you explain would lead me to believe this relationship is over and you should quietly break off the engagement. Your fiance has clearly already checked out of the relationship.

If you had a 10 year marriage and kids it may be worth fighting for, but "trying to get the love back" before you even walk down the aisle? Man just break up, seriously...


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## sokillme

*Deidre* said:


> Excellent advice! My fiance and I broke up recently as he wanted to move in, and I didn't. And he wasn't budging, and neither was I. Oh well...lol I think that people become too comfortable when they move in, before getting married.


My wife and I actually moved in together at the request of my father in law (one year before we were married, we were engaged though), that is another story. Together 13 years. I think the word you are looking for is complacent. I think if you are going to get complacent it's going to happen either way. It doesn't matter if it is before or after the ceremony. Having a ring on your finger doesn't make you any less prone to laziness in your relationship. In some ways it is better to figure that out before you have the ring because it cost a hell of a lot less money. 

I will temper this by saying you do need a plan and to be sure you are both on the same page as far as the long term goal. If only one person wants marriage and the other doesn't then moving in together actually works in the favor of the person who is avoiding it. So if you are waiting for them to put a ring on it, you shouldn't move in together.


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## citygirl4344

I think everyone is different. What works for one couple doesn't work for for another.
Living together before marriage is a personal couple choice.
I do think however you guys moved way too fast. Just like in a marriage with the "honeymoon " period you would have the same type of period living together.
You need to figure out if you want to use this as a stepping stone to a strong healthy marriage by working out these issues first..before you are married.
IMO you need to delay whatever plans you have for the wedding and go back to dating. Just being a couple. 
Move into separate places and start again...if you want to salvage the relationship that is. Go to couples therapy. Start communicating.
Do not get married when you have these issues because you both will be miserable.
Good luck



Sent from my iPhone


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## *Deidre*

sokillme said:


> My wife and I actually moved in together at the request of my father in law (one year before we were married, we were engaged though), that is another story. Together 13 years. I think the word you are looking for is complacent. I think if you are going to get complacent it's going to happen either way. It doesn't matter if it is before or after the ceremony. Having a ring on your finger doesn't make you any less prone to laziness in your relationship. In some ways it is better to figure that out before you have the ring because it cost a hell of a lot less money.
> 
> I will temper this by saying you do need a plan and to be sure you are both on the same page as far as the long term goal. If only one person wants marriage and the other doesn't then moving in together actually works in the favor of the person who is avoiding it. So if you are waiting for them to put a ring on it, you shouldn't move in together.


This is all very true. I would say IMO, it's just something that I never wanted to do...live with a guy without being married. To each their own, but if you're already bored and complacent in the engagement/living together phase, marriage won't magically change it.


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## sokillme

*Deidre* said:


> This is all very true. I would say IMO, it's just something that I never wanted to do...live with a guy without being married. To each their own, but if you're already bored and complacent in the engagement/living together phase, marriage won't magically change it.


So he broke up with you because you wouldn't move in with him before marriage? That can't be the only thing. there must have been other issues. 

I the move in thing because of your Christian beliefs that you wrote about in the pastor thread?


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## Blondilocks

Is your user name indicative of the type of relationship you are in?

You might want to study the words you choose when you fight and figure out why you choose those words. If they cut deeply enough, there may be no getting the love back.


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## Pinksapphire

If you already have these kind of problems I would look for somebody else. Its crazy that a couple only together three years have fallen out of love.


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## *Deidre*

sokillme said:


> So he broke up with you because you wouldn't move in with him before marriage? That can't be the only thing. there must have been other issues.
> 
> I the move in thing because of your Christian beliefs that you wrote about in the pastor thread?


This is sort of a long story, but he and I dated a few years ago, broke up because he moved overseas for a job. I wasn’t going to follow someone across the world without any engagement, etc. So, we broke up. He came back last year, we hung out, soon after he asked me to marry him. We got very caught up in the moment, but one thing we discussed was moving in, and how he and I both wanted to wait to get a house until we were married. The wedding was set for October. I think when he kept pushing the issue, it scared me enough to pause all the plans, because it was at that moment that I realized what was happening. Got very caught up in planning a lavish wedding (my parents are wealthy) and forgot about what I was actually doing. I broke off the engagement, my ex fiancé wanted to still ‘see’ each other, but…Idk. 

I’m seeing someone new now, someone I’ve been friends with for a while. I’m sure this sounds like a rebound, but we are just enjoying spending time together for now. And I’m happy, so…

I should never have become engaged in the first place.


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## EllisRedding

*Deidre* said:


> (my parents are wealthy).


Whoa, hey, how you doin :wink2:


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## citygirl4344

EllisRedding said:


> Whoa, hey, how you doin :wink2:




Wooa down boy 
Lol


Sent from my iPhone


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## *Deidre*

EllisRedding said:


> Whoa, hey, how you doin :wink2:


lol :x


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## Celes

wellseasoned said:


> Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
> If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.
> 
> When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace!


If people can't stay together through issues because they aren't married, they really are better off. Seems like most marital issues stem from people marrying someone they are incompatible with and then spending the rest of the marriage trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Your post comes off as if breakups are always a bad thing. Nothing wrong with people living together, realizing it's not working out, and going their own ways after. 

My husband and I moved in together after a year and a half. Lived together for 2 before getting married. I'm really glad we did that. We took our time and got to know each other fully, warts and all. And when times got tough, we both put the efforts to make it work, without a piece of paper binding us. When we got married, I knew exactly what I was getting into and same for him. We love and accept each other. I could never imagine marrying someone without living with them first.


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## TX-SC

I also think there is a positive to not moving in together until marriage. It helps to add excitement to the marriage. I've never lived with a woman until my wife and I got married. 

In your case, I think you should focus on your partner's positive aspects, the ones that attracted you to her to begin with. It simply may be that you two are no longer compatible and should move on. Just be warned, it may happen again with your next partner too. You have to really work on admiring your partner's best qualities to grow your relationship. After a year or two, the passion can die.


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## Lila

This TED talk by Esther Perel speaks to OP's issue. 

"In long-term relationships, we often expect our beloved to be both best friend and erotic partner. But as Esther Perel argues, good and committed sex draws on two conflicting needs: our need for security and our need for surprise. So how do you sustain desire? With wit and eloquence, Perel lets us in on the mystery of erotic intelligence."

https://youtu.be/sa0RUmGTCYY


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## Blondilocks

Looks like the OP has left the building.


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## SimplyAmorous

I'm still trying to figure out if this is 2 women, hence the username? 

Whatever the case ..it is sounding like you & she may just not be compatible enough to make it work... happens all the time.. relationship experts say if a couple can get past the 1st 18 months still feeling "in love", best friends, the thrill and comfort.. they have beat the odds.. everything before this time is like a whirlwind phase.. we seem to overlook things that will drive us crazy later on...or minimize wanting it all to work out...

Also the way you handle conflict can make or break a couple...I will offer some links on compatibility.. and conflict...

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> 
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.
> 
> 
> *2. * * HAS YOUR COURTSHIP BEEN SMOOTH OR TURBULENT?*
> 
> Frequent or caustic premarital fights predict turmoil after marriage.
> 
> Did you get along well during your time of dating, or did you have many fights and disagreements? A “no” answer to the previous question (Quest. 1) indicates a lack of acceptance of each other’s basic behavioral traits. Your lack of acceptance will show itself in frequent fights and conflict and, thus, as a high level of turbulence in your courtship.
> 
> *3*. * DO YOU LIKE THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF WHEN YOU ARE WITH YOUR INTENDED?*
> 
> The way you feel about yourself when in your mate’s company frequently reflects your partner’s underlying, often unstated sentiments.
> 
> This is really a variant of the previous questions and has to do with feelings of personal acceptance stemming from the relationship, but at deeper levels.
> 
> *4. ** DO you HAVE COMPATIBLE INTERESTS, ATTITUDES, VALUES AND GOALS?*
> 
> It is important to be in harmony about the things you like to do, the beliefs you hold important, the way you view the world, and your life’s objectives.
> 
> These issues are so fundamentally important I could have listed them first. These are also the areas most frequently focused on by dating services. Without a reasonable match in these four areas, we diminish our chances for a long and successful relationship.
> 
> *5.* *WHAT SPOUSAL ROLES DO you EXPECT AFTER MARRIAGE?*
> 
> You need to agree about whether your marriage will be traditional or modern.
> 
> In marriage, we play many parts, i.e., partner, parent, companion, provider, homemaker, lover, helpmate, playmate, friend, confidant, and so forth all of which we can be subsume under the heading “spousal roles.” We usually come to a relationship with a certain set of expectations and desires regarding these roles
> 
> *6. * *IS your INTENDED SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE AND SATISFYING TO you?*
> 
> Sexual and affectional compatibility are vital parts of a lasting and satisfying marriage.
> 
> For almost everyone, sexual gratification is one of the prime features of marriage. It is important that your needs be met in this area.
> 
> *7*. * DO YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE WHEN YOU ARE IN THE COMPANY OF YOUR INTENDED’S FAMILY AND FRIENDS?*
> 
> Be aware that marriage frequently comes with a large cast of loveable, and sometimes not-so-loveable, characters
> It is true that you will be marrying your mate and not your mate’s family. Nevertheless, if your intended loves his or her family and plans to spend much time with them, you best like them too, or at least be able to tolerate them.
> 
> *8*. *ARE YOU INTERESTED IN THE SATISFACTION OF EACH OTHER’S NEEDS?*
> 
> Love includes a passionate desire to gratify your loved-one’s needs and desires.
> 
> Many people marry with the idea that marriage will satisfy all their requirements. Others believe it is their spouses’ duty to take care of them. In addition, some people are unhappy being single and believe only marriage will make them happy. Imagine the burden all three of these views place on their partners.
> 
> *9. * * IS THERE THE FEELING OF SOLID AND ENDURING FRIENDSHIP?*
> 
> People in satisfying marriages often describe their spouses as their best friend.
> 
> Some people have trouble accepting the notion that a person of the opposite sex could be their best friend. Thus, they overlook the possibility of friendship in marriage. However, a good friendship, with its trust, support, and loyalty, is the bedrock of a solid marriage.
> 
> *10.** ARE YOUR PERSONAL AND HOUSEHOLD HYGENIC STANDARDS COMPATIBLE?*
> 
> Incompatibility in the need for orderliness and cleanliness can seriously undermine an otherwise gratifying partnership.
> 
> This is a more important area then many people realize.
> 
> *11.* *ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY, AS FAR AS IS REASONABLE, FOR MAKING THE RELATIONSHIP WORK?*
> 
> People who recognize that their actions influence their spouses’ behavior are best able to work out marital difficulties.
> 
> Choosing the right person is, sadly, not sufficient to produce a happy marriage. You must also be the right person both for your mate as well as for marriage in general.


 http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

It sounds you are falling into a hostile conflict style.. 



> *4. *Hostile Couples...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Hostile couples argue often and hotly, and their arguments are caustic and harmful. Insults, putdowns, and sarcasms prevail when they argue. These couples fail to maintain the 5 to 1 ratio of positivity to negativity in their conflicts, and there is clearly more negative than positive in the relationships.
> 
> Hostile couples’ discussions are characterized by too much criticisms, contempt, defensiveness, and withdrawal. Their communication is unhealthy, they don’t listen to what each other is saying, and conflicts are dangerous to their relationships.
> 
> Some hostile couples try to actively address their disagreements, but this is usually ineffective. Others remain more detached, uninvolved, and critical of each other, with brief spurts of attack and defensiveness. These couples are meaner to each other than the other three types of couples..


Healthy communication and caring to please each other , if you have enough compatibility to make it work.. can heal so much.. . this is a very good article on Healthy communication..

PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE ? Imagine Hope Counseling Group


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## Cletus

Instead of looking at a relationship that fails when a couple moves in together before the wedding, we should view it as the success that it truly is.

How much better is it to discover incompatibility before rings, mortgages, children, and burial plots are in the picture? Your issues that I think should probably end your relationship are an unqualified success in necessary information gathering.


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## 225985

Blondilocks said:


> Is your user name indicative of the type of relationship you are in?


Thanks for asking that key question IMO. Took until post 13 for someone to ask what popped into my head in 1 second of seeing the thread.


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## jb02157

wellseasoned said:


> Never move in without getting married first. That's the first mistake. When your married, you look at problems differently together. Its so easy to break up and fall out of love when you move in without commitment.
> If you wanna play house and be boyfriend and girlfriend, than that's your choice, but if you were planning on marrying to begin with then you should've married her before moving her in.
> 
> When your married, you have to face issues together. Its not as easy as breaking up. Go get married at the court house, and begin your journey together. Or, move out and wait till your married to move back in with each other. Gods way or your way. Peace! :smile2:


Moving in together without being married is usually a mistake, but unfortunately is the only way to have a relationship without giving the woman an advantage.


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## citygirl4344

jb02157 said:


> Moving in together without being married is usually a mistake, but unfortunately is the only way to have a relationship without giving the woman an advantage.



Giving the woman an advantage. What do you mean?


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## jb02157

citygirl4344 said:


> Giving the woman an advantage. What do you mean?


If you wait till you're married to move in together and find out later that you're incompatible or that your new wife wants to split up, usually the divorce settlement will favor the woman. To protect himself, a man should stay out of a marriage situation so if the new wife wants out, she doesn't take his money with her.


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