# Can someone tell me if I'm insecure or is it and addiction he has?



## trish0603

The man "I was" in a relationship with, also the father of my baby, has had his so called "dating sites"/"porn sites" for about 5 years now, I was aware of two of them, when we got together about a year and a half ago I found out there were more. But he would go on the sites and look for women, he would get thier messenger ID's from them and would talk to them from the time he left in the morning, all day until he got off work. One of the 6 women he was talking to, he ended up telling them he would meet them in a motel. For a long time he said he was just on there bs'ing and he wouldnt' have did it. But his friends say there was nothing wrong with what he was doing and it's me that has the problem. A few times he would stay online until 4 in the morning when he had to be up at 5:50 to go to work. I told him it was either us or the sex sites and he chose the sites, saying that it wasn't our problem it was me. Am I wrong for thinking that if there is a problem in a relationship, like trust issues, something like this shouldn't have come into it in the first place?


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## obsessiveflirter

Im not sure if i can be of much help, but, ive got an online flirting problem that im currently dealing with, and its also taking a toll on my marriage, but i feel that my problem is i dont get enough attention from my husband, so i look else where, maybe you should try to spice things up a bit, maybe even have net cut off..i wish i could be of more help..


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## Sufficiently Breathless

I don't think there is anything wrong with the way your feel.. my H is the same way.. and I HATE IT...
I have threatened to leave, and have finally told him I am ready to seperate and seek a divorce. 
I suffer from depression, anxiety and BDD thanks to his little addiction. I am in therapy full time.. trying to fix myself again.when porn and internet, flirting, dating all of it, becomes a problem to the spouse it is a big deal.. PERIOD. There are some here that think occasional usage of that stuff, to rid them of sexual frustration is normal.. which it may very well be.. but I have this to say... If it is hurting your spouse in any way IT IS NOT NORMAL, if it is driving a wedge in your marriage IT IS NOT NORMAL!! 
Ask your H to seek counseling with you.. heck even see a therapist for yourself. They are a tremendous help. 
I wish you the best, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, don't be afraid to messege me.SB


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## Sensitive

It definitely sounds like he has a sex/porn/online flirting addiction. Many people with this affliction will deny it, blame others, or justify in some other irrational manner. Are you glad you dumped him, or are you asking for advice on how to fix him?


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## trish0603

Our sex life was very one sided, it's kinda funny now because he i hwhat some men would call a women that didn't do anything but lay there in bed, a dead f***. His idea of being affectionate was pinching my nipple. He would stop touching me because I asked him to touch me, mentally he was like dealing with a child. No I do not want this man back in my life it would be harmful to not only myself but my son. It was all a part of his selfishness, not thinking or caring about the person he was with, me. He thinks he was so wonderful in bed that everyone needed to experience him, lol,  I laugh because he is going to realize I wasn't trying to kill his ego but tell him the truth. The sites became an obsession with him and while we all pick our battles, he picked his sex sites, I picked our son. I know in a few months I won't have to ask myself if I did the right thing by leaving, I know I did the right thing for my son. And besides I'm not having anyone tell me it's all my fault now.


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## tofindme

Hi I am new here and I am dealing with some of the same issues with my husband of 18 years ( I just found out some of it), I agree with Suffiently Breathless (sorry if I miss spelled). It does hurt a relationship. period... I know that if my husband (or b/f) was doing this (or had done this) in the first few months or even the first year of our marriage he would have been out the door, but mine waited until I was disabled and ill(he waited 13 years) and used my illness and his poor coping skills to cheat on me and yes cyber sex IS CHEATING and debasing and humiliating to you as a woman,or at least that is my opinion.
I wish you all the best.


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## DeniseK

Yep...I agree. That..."all men need it sometimes" excuse is just plain crap. If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it. And I believe that Porn...is cheating. His affection was on other women...his time was on other women and his heart was on other women. If not...he would've chosen you over it. So....cheater...cyber cheater....what ever you want to call it....it is all wrong. 
Good luck....Hope you find a man who will love you and care for you and protect your heart. Bless you ......


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## Blanca

DeniseK said:


> If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it.


I would disagree with this. just because something one's spouse does inflicts pain does not necessarily make it wrong. My H has a porn addiction and is slightly emotionally disturbed. i used to think that his behaviors were 'wrong' because they hurt me. I think of it much differently now. I do not think its wrong because it hurts me. I think its wrong because its hurting the quality of his life. Dont get me wrong, im not saying its ok to do something even if it hurts your spouse. there is a line there. But it is not always the case that if one's spouse is hurting the other that the behavior is wrong. Some time down the road my H might make a decision that is best for him but hurts me. I think that if i really love him, i would want him to do what was best for him.


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## voivod

DeniseK said:


> Yep...I agree. That..."all men need it sometimes" excuse is just plain crap. If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it. And I believe that Porn...is cheating. His affection was on other women...his time was on other women and his heart was on other women. If not...he would've chosen you over it. So....cheater...cyber cheater....what ever you want to call it....it is all wrong.
> Good luck....Hope you find a man who will love you and care for you and protect your heart. Bless you ......


i'm a guy...a horny guy...a former (for now) porn addict and inappropriate flirt. and denisek is 100 percent right.

i hope you find that the man you have will choose to love you and care for you and respect and honor you and protect your heart.


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## DeniseK

I also believe that forgiveness is divine. People we all make mistakes...and we deserve forgiveness for those mistakes....but when someone makes a choice...(his porn was most important.) then he isn't seeking redemption. He is selfish. And....once you are married....doing what is right for you...means doing what is right for your wife or husband...and family. If it benefits you....but not your other half...then it is simply wrong and selfish. we live in a world where we are incouraged to do what is best for ourselves and what makes us feel good at the moment. Selfishness is a rude and silent killer in all relationships. And even your children pay the price for it. It isn't a perfect world....and we are all imperfect....and we should encourage each other. Love yourself...and love your spouse like you love yourself and then you will do no harm to them....and that is the key to happiness. Works both ways...cant work with only one...but it is a valuable attitude to create happiness. For love is the greatest gift given to us...held higher in regard than anything else.
Take care....I hope you find happines with someone who won't hurt you....( and if he changes....then who knows...but dont' live your life waiting for him to change. It might never happen.)


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## blacksage

i dont agree with the "if it hurts your spouse it is wrong" comment. I am actually on the other side of it. My spouse does something that hurts me, but what she is doing is not wrong. I am not saying that is the case here, just that rule does not always apply.

As far as the dating sites, that is not a good thing. There are PLENTY of social forums where he can talk to other people, men or women. You might be able to help him overcome this problem by giving him more attention, or you can have him seek help for this issue.


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## magic52

I think if it was just porn movies in moderation it would be okay. What I can't deal with is the dating sites and the looking on craigslist for a woman. These are real people that he can hook up with. It makes me sick to my stomach, and makes me feel like I am a worthless someone that obviously is not attactive or satisfying if he has to do this. Even worse is when he wants you to suck his **** while he sits and looks at big asses on the computer. I do have large breasts but I have no butt and it just completely humiliates me! I finally have stopped participating in this and have found this site and it is giving me hope for myself after all.


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## Ariadne13

He sounds like he is sexually addicted, IMHO. If his sexual demands make you feel humiliated, then he is being completely selfish and your needs are not part of his equation. Make your needs absolutely known. Gently explain and put your foot down how this makes you feel. If he refuses to listen, refuses to get help and tries to make you sound like the 'bad guy' for setting a boundary about your needs in the relationship, perhaps it is time you consider getting out before your self esteem is completely destroyed. He seems to have a very compartmentalized view of women not as people but as sexual objects solely for his lust fulfillment, including you. I found out my husband, too, is a sex addict. He is willing to try and change, counseling, self help, all that. I wish you the best.


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## Mom6547

DeniseK said:


> Yep...I agree. That..."all men need it sometimes" excuse is just plain crap.


I think it is full on weird to lump porn (like a clip on the 'net? a pic in Playboy?) with chat and DATING sites. Also how, when and why it is being viewed is a huge consideration.

I remember early in our relationship I also had very negative view of porn. I remember him telling me it had nothing to do with him. I was flabbergasted. If we were married, why did he need to look at porn.

Finally I tried to understand what it WAS about, if not about me. Instead of harping on him and making it unsafe for him to discuss with me, I asked him if he could tell me about it. 99% of the time it was 60 second video clip while he rubbed one out before getting in the shower in the morning. Like plumming maintenance.

Now don't get me wrong. Anything that REPLACES the marital love, sex and caring is damaging. That could be porn or peanut butter. 



> If it hurts your spouse...THEN IT IS WRONG. We are suposed to protect our partner from pain...not inflict it. And I believe that Porn...is cheating.


That hurting your spouse business is a 2-way street. Understanding can go a long way. By the same token it is probably important to make sure you marry someone who also believes it is cheating. Save yourself a lot of trouble because many people DON'T consider porn cheating.


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## smartcookie25

I can relate to most of you above I too have been dealing with a sex addict for 18 years also....I in that time frame have done the little what I thought were quirky things that I didnt like even were morally wrong to me even if it was at my expense just to please him...he was always good to me didn't beat me etc. but here now I have grown to realize that he has inflicted the worst kind of abuse mental and emotional. During those years we had two beautiful children and lived an ok like there were many good times but I was always told I was uptight - a prude - frigid etc the list goes on....to the point where I thought hey there must be something wrong with me so I upped the anty and started taking pics for him that he swore for his personal viewing and at the time if it got him off my back - what the heck it gave me some time to breath and try to relax! but over the years of literally sucking it up and living to be something your not for this other person turns you bitter and resentful...those are the feeling I have finally hit a wall with - and when I realized that I could not do it anymore and we had the big falling out over this past winter he assured me the badgering stalking harassing over sex would stop and it did but I also closed the door when taking a shower and started to sleep in the spare bedroom which was an escape for me at the time but I just wanted to get away and didn't know how now for two years i have been in therapy to improve myself and discover that his behavior is NOT normal and I do not deserve to be treated like this....and since then I have found videos of that he secretly took of me all kinds of porn site swapping of wives pictures - it makes me sick to think of what he actually has done with these pics that he has assured me where for his viewing pleasure! and to videotape me w/o my consent knowledge etc is just plain creepy - so this past weekend he was busted and i let it all out and he left to go to his brothers - I have not had this rush of relief that hes gone or what to do?? i love him just don't know in what capacity....this has been such torture on me! I feel like he has made such a huge mess and left me to clean it up!!! why is it the victim always endures the most suffering??? and if i let him back in the house - will or could it get to some form of normalcy because it has been so dysfunctional for so long? but there is so many comforts also - sorry to ramble - I am just so confused???? any advice ariadne13 since you stated your try to mend your relationship with an addicted significant other...is it possible or do I even really want it?? so for now I told him he could sit in or join me at the therapist appt this week and that I was not ready for him to come home...he seemed disappointed and maybe aggravated a bit - but to me that's a sign that he just doesn't realize the magnitude of what he has done? and he still says he did this that and the other out of anger and hostility! he has yet to own his addiction so he is denial!


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## J'Accused

Again, now i realize that smartcookie25 is my wife, let me set the record straight. i am not a sex addict my wife has a low libido, I want the entire calendar 2010 without any intimacy, but that didnt stop her from sending topless pictures of herself to a 22 year old bodybuilder she met online, and she volunteered to use her photos to sell online to make money, so she is a total hypocrite. Most women will find any excuse once the switch is off, they rationalize. Im the reason she is miserable, Im the reason she is sad, not her choices, never take ownership of what we do. Love is hard marriage is even harder,if you love someone you love them even for their faults, you try, you dont give up. I know it must be horrible after 20 years your husband, and the person yo walk your life journey with still finds you physically attractive, oh the horror!


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## J'Accused

I should say that smartcookie is capable of loving bodybuilders and has a grand obsession with them because she was obese as a teenager and they were the type of guys who rejected her all the time, so she married me(sucker) and got me to pay for her plastic surgery and personal trainers. Now thanks to social media she can hook up with all those high school guys that turned her away, pretty clever marrying someone you have no attraction to and then just string him along and claim he has a porn addiction


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