# Trying to sort out what I want to do



## stl2012 (Aug 27, 2012)

Hi all, this is my first post although I have read through several other threads on this general subject. Now I need a little perspective and some feedback.

Short story: about two week ago I discovered that my wife has reconnected, at first the Facebook (of course) with an old boyfriend, 17 years-ago old. They had, so far as I can tell, started messages about a week prior. The initial goal I think was to repairs some old issues, which I believe, as I know about their background. We are on the east coast, he is on the west coast. To my knowledge they have not laid eyes on each other in person in 17 years.

BTW, we have been married 11 years and have a 4 year-old.

From the start this was kept hidden from me. I felt something was not right between us and then one morning realized she had password protected her phone; something neither of us had never done. When I asked about it, I got a vague non-reply.

I said nothing else and then started investigating. Found the link to a affectionate/romantic-leaning e-card from OM and web searches on how to delete browser history. Lots of checks on OM's Facebook page as they are not "friends" (she has to go to his page to send a message), checks on her FB page's messages, and I discovered that she has an email address I have never seen.

Also, they text each other multiple times per day and have talked on her mobile and our house phone.

I confronted her about all this and she was both sorry for hiding everything and insistent that it was nothing more that reconnecting with an old friend (boyfriend that is). She lied to me about some details of their communication (doesn't know that I know that) and even gave me his phone number so I could talk to him. He sounds like a lovely fellow.

Basically, it had only been going on a week or so - I just happened to stumble into it pretty quick.

After she found out that had checked her browser history, she password protected her computer too. Angy and feeling under attack for doing nothing, she said. Knew my trust was dashed, but now she doesn't trust me, etc. Defensive and blameshifting, I know.

We have had some long-term intimacy issues in our marriage that do need to be addresses. Still, this is 100% her choice and I am feeling conflicted. I have tired to stay level-headed and calm whenever we talk about it. She says she has not even seen this guy in 17 years, nothing has even happened. BUT, she admits that she still has feelings for him and is trying to "sort them out." She likes talking to him, he is a changed guy. BTW, if he were less of an ass in the past, she might have wound up with him. He is very opposite of me - big football kind of guy and back in the day even tried at the pros but didn't make it.

So here is my current dilemma. This is still going on, they are still communicating and bonding, reconnecting, whatever it is. As far as I am concerned, it is emotional infidelity. They are far past the, "wow, you're doing what these days?" part. She has made it clear to me when I asked (trying to be "honest") that she has not crossed a line "yet," and that maybe it could.

No communication when I am around of course, only when I'm gone, she's out or our son is napping. I do not know what they talk about, I have not seen any texts, chats, emails, etc., but I know full well that they are building a connection and this is flat out wrong.

At first I was devastated, angry, sad, sick, dumfounded, betrayed, and all that. Then I was kind of numb. Now I'm kind of conflicted.

It's all about her right now; irritated with me seeming down and withdrawn - although we are speaking and living together. Almost like I'm bumming her out and she can't fully understand why I'm not engaging as much. I am currently in conflict over wanting to save my marriage - I do love her very much - and feeling like, **** it, I deserve better and am tired of this.

She had said she doesn't want to break up our family but also feels sometimes like our issues have gone on to long.

I'm starting o feel like how can we even get to that stuff when now there is this going on? I love her but almost feel too mentally tired to deal with hardcore "end this now, NC letter" stuff. I'm not denying anything, I have a very solid bead on what's happening and what is needed, I just feel depressed and wonder how it can ever become whole again. Do I want to live my life always looking over her shoulder. I know you've heard it all before, but it never crossed my mind not to trust her, now I don't think I ever can again.

This is hard because it's still pretty "new," but I know what's happening. I know how she is and exactly where this is going, and something tells me that for all his "I'd never want to break up a marriage" stuff, which I am sure he believes, he'll fall right in with her.

I'm not an idiot - this is all very clear to me, hell of a lot more than it is to her, so what do I do? I want my wife back and I want my marriage whole, but I just don't know it it's worth trying.

Thanks for any advice/thoughts the group my have.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

The only way out of this is to lay down the law. You have to say, if you do X, I will do Y. 

X = her communications with old boyfriend.
Y = call an attorney

Otherwise she will just play you and this will drag out for a long time.


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

I would also play hardball. That is how my wife's PA started FB. Demand NC, no passwords on anything and if you catch her again it is D city.

Then you two get into MC right away

Does the POS OM have a wife? yes expose it to her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She is in an affair. She is taking steps to cut you out and is choosing the affair over the marriage.

This will not end nicely on its own, it will require you to go nuke on it. You already tried talking nicely and what it got you was lies, and her locking her computer.

Time to get more info and then expose.

1. VAR in her car and anyplace else she would call him from.
2. Break into her computer and install a key logger ASAP. If its a desktop computer you can just insert a key logger device between the keyboard and where it plugs into the PC. This will get her password and you'll be in.
3. Find out if the OM is married. Get his wife's / gfs contact info.

Do not waste time confronting and pleading again. You've learned what that got you - nothing but lies.


----------



## stl2012 (Aug 27, 2012)

As I understand, he is divorced but lives with his ex-wife for the sake of their kid. Not sure what their status is, but I guess they get along. She has a mac pro laptop.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She continues contact with him even though she knows it upsets you - this is her choosing HIM OVER YOU.

She hides and password protects everything and has secret email accounts. 

Your wife is cheating on you. "Sorting out her feelings" is bullsh*t. She has brought another man into your marriage.

Tell her no contact or divorce -then she will have all the time in the world to sort out her feelings after you are gone.


----------



## stl2012 (Aug 27, 2012)

Yeah, I'm pretty much there, just mentally exhausting. Not whining or anything, just literally mentally exhausting.

Anything I should have planned out or set up at my end before the big blow up? Should I talk to an attorney or therapist ahead of time, etc.?


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She is having an affair right in front of your face.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Lawyer up.
Gather evidence. Purchase a couple of VARs, hid them at the right spots (sure she likes to be comfy when talking to this POS).
Go nuke with her. Lay the rules: End it or Divorce. No barganing.
NC text/emial. OM is blocked permanently form her life.
Transparence for now on.
Marriage counseling.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

So, she is in contact with this alpha male while you *ussyfoot around her and engage in house drama? You know what is going on, you're obviously a sharp smart guy and:



> I love her but almost feel too mentally tired to deal with hardcore "end this now, NC letter" stuff.


Will you feel more up to it when he comes to visit your town for an easy lay?

Sorry to be rough buddy, but at this moment you can't drop the ball if you want to be married to this woman (why you would want to is another matter). At the moment you're the backup plan if stuff doesn't go the way she wants it to go with the other guy. 

Don't put yourself there or you'll have to deal with this forever.


----------



## MikelHochst (Aug 28, 2012)

The only way out of this is to lay down the law.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

These kinds of threads hit home for me because this is almost exactly how my fWWs affair started: With her reconnecting with an old boyfriend from many years ago. Believe me, because of their past intimate connection, the affair begins very quickly. F-102 posted a very good list of how the progression from merely reconnecting, to a full fledged affair.

_Originally Posted by F-102 
Thanks for referencing my thread. I originally wrote it in response to one poster whose W had reconnected to an ex-BF on Facebook, and it outlined how it can go from "Hey, how's it going?" to "I hate my H's guts and I'm leaving him for you!"

Here's the unabridged version:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be just two old friends catching up but soon, if left unchecked, may very well morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted 
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels a little lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS understand her
How she feels that sometimes you're just "not there" for her
How, okay... you're not ALWAYS such a wonderful guy
How she loved hearing from him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels appreciated again
How she feels attractive again
How it's so nice to have someone who just LISTENS to her again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she now realizes that you could NEVER give her that
How insensitive you can be some times
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest a++hole she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him go
How now she sees that they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely going to leave you
How she's talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?_ 

And it looks like your WW is already deep in the fog of the affair. And I can tell you my fWW had already progressed to thinking how they were going to live happily ever after. The only thing that stopped it was because they are in different countries and the opportunity had not yet presented itself. That didn't stop them from trying to make plans.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

She's having an affair. Tell her to end it or you'll end the marriage. Mean it. If she picks him over you, she loses you -- and you'll gain the opportunity to meet a woman with more integrity than your wife, so the gain will all be yours.


----------



## Vegemite (Apr 12, 2012)

Insist that she unlock her computer in front of you and don't allow her to delete ANYTHING. If she refuses it's Lawyer time.

Or alternatively, when she's not home,take it to someone who can unlock it for you.


----------



## Dewy (Aug 29, 2012)

mahike said:


> I would also play hardball. That is how my wife's PA started FB. Demand NC, no passwords on anything and if you catch her again it is D city.
> 
> Then you two get into MC right away
> 
> Does the POS OM have a wife? yes expose it to her.


I would even have her served D papers then you will see the real her


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Its been 2 days since the last reply. I hope this isn't another post and run.


----------



## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Oh drat. Hope he comes back. I was going to give him the standard advice of What Not To Do. What NOT to do


----------

