# Have a consultation appt with lawyer this week



## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

It took a long time to get to this point. Nearly 23 years married and the last 12 have been rough. Members here have mocked me for not taking the step toward divorce, but I am not one who is going to just jump into a life changing decision like divorce.

Last Monday evening was when the last straw dropped. The discussion started over a recurring theme in our relationship, which is my feeling that my wife refuses to honor or respect me. Her reasoning is that she can not honor a man that she feels is wrong and that she does not agree with. That attitude has manifested itself in the way she treats me when our teen son initiates conflict -- she instantly makes me the bad guy. Monday evening, after he lost a big tennis match, I called out to him with a "Tough one" and he responded through clenched teeth with "F you, Dad". My wife instantly jumped up and started yelling at me "STAY AWAY FROM HIM, STAY AWAY FROM HIM". I looked at them both and said quietly, as I walked away, "Why do either of you think what you did is necessary?".

During the discussion that followed when we got home (our son was not there), she asked me to tell her if I had made a decision about our relationship, something she asked me a year ago after I was fired from my job of nearly 25 years. I told her that I am still not ready to talk about it, that last year was not only a selfish thing for her to ask of me hours after I had been fired but that I wanted to know why she had to ask me, could not tell me what she had decided, expected me to make the decision for her. But she said she wanted to know, so I told her that I am struggling with asking her for a divorce.

I really did not want to say that. Why? There are a lot of reasons. We are both Christians and that creates a dilemma because divorce goes against what we believe as Christians. We have two children under 20. I do not want to feel like I am abandoning my responsibility to them. And there is the notion that divorce is giving up. I am not one to do that easily.

Bringing up the D word is a serious thing. Frankly, I want to be divorced. Something my wife said Monday night is very true -- I want a relationship. She admitted that she can not give me what I want. It is not about sex, something she has not given me either for nearly twelve years, although I do want someone who wants my affection again. I also want to be honored, respected, something that I know full well that I deserve from my wife. She has absolutely no reason.

I'm not perfect. I gave up a while ago and I have reacted to her, have not treated her with respect at times either. But that took until I had given up, which coincides with the first time she told me that she does not love or respect me.

So Thursday I contacted a Wevorce lawyer for a consultation. My appointment is this Tuesday afternoon. It does not mean I am going to go through with it, but it is the next step. Wevorce encourages mediation, which means they will not do anything without the both of us present. This is a step in a direction I have wanted to go, though, a step I took after standing at the top and looking down for a long, long time.....


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I've not read any of your previous posts.

Why did your wife feel the immediate need to warn you to stay away from your son? Have you been violent with him in the past? He should have said what he said to you, obviously, but for her to react that way indicates a Mama Bear kind of reaction in anticipation of what she expected you might do. Also, we here on the interwebs have no clue what your tone of voice or body language was when you said "tough one" to your son, which produced his reaction.

Why were you fired from your job? Does your wife's disrespect of you stem from that? Are you still not working after a year?

I'm a Christian, too, and I'm divorced. I'm also going through a second split with my ex-H, whom I reconciled with last year (I meant it, he didn't). I get it. But, what i don't get is how you can say sex is not part of the equation if you haven't had sex in TWELVE YEARS!!!! How is that not a factor??


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I've not read any of your previous posts.
> 
> Why did your wife feel the immediate need to warn you to stay away from your son? Have you been violent with him in the past? He should have said what he said to you, obviously, but for her to react that way indicates a Mama Bear kind of reaction in anticipation of what she expected you might do. Also, we here on the interwebs have no clue what your tone of voice or body language was when you said "tough one" to your son, which produced his reaction.
> 
> ...


Lot's of questions but I will try to answer.
1. "Tough one" was said in an encouraging tone, nothing nasty about it at all. I support my son and he asks me to come watch him play sports. My wife's reaction is over the top mama bear and part of the respect issue. Her father yelled and she hated it, projects it on me. By the way, what do you think the proper reaction to "F you, Dad" should be? I was bewildered and hurt, not angry.
2. The story of my firing is a complicated and long one, very unethical and cruel, plotted by a director who is intimidated by experienced long term employees. It took a long time for them to fire me, about three years where they subjected me to a great deal of stress, enough to send to me to the hospital in an ambulance a few months prior to my firing. Ultimately, I was fired on a Wednesday night at 6 PM because I refused to stay any longer that day. It was my third day of 5 AM to 6 PM overtime, I had promised my high school senior daughter that I would meet her to practice for a parent/student performance to be presented at her senior finale band concert. How does that sound to you?
3. I found a job on the Friday afternoon following my Wednesday evening firing. I was basically unemployed for 24 hours and dug right in finding a job on Thursday morning. On top of that, I supported my family and worked my tail off for 25 years. My wife was a SAHM, something I supported no matter how difficult it was.. and it was difficult at times.
4. Sex is part of the equation but ultimately it is one of the symptoms of disrespect. If it were not for the absolute obvious and even stated refusal to respect me, then I would be willing to resolve the sex issue, something I think can be resolved even after 12 years. Does that make sense to you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why is your wife so reluctant to meet you even half way? 

Shouldn't you both try MC at least to see how you can sort this out?

It is no doubt very tough but if you are not too keen on divorce, you must try all possible ways to know that you did all you could before walking away.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* Your W seems as if she is totally "out to lunch" on this marriage ~ I cannot possibly fathom that she would be in any position to have an emotional or a loving sexual relationship with any person! What man in his right mind would ever get worked up enough to ever want to have sexual relations with anyone like her? 

More than anything, I sense some sort of a progressive recurring mental breakdown on her part! And with no apparent evidence of willing participation to enter joint voluntary counseling, I'd sadly say that this M is all but a lost cause! If possible, I would wholeheartedly recommend that your teen kids get into some kind of IC, more especially your son! He seems to be unduly controlled by his M's emotions, that is seemingly helping in undermining your father-son relationship with him!

Keep your legal appointment, find a trustable attorney and move on with your "we-vorce" with all deliberate speed! Also read Dr. Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, then immediately incorporate "the 180" on her! 

You deserve so much more out of life than you are getting now! Best of luck to you! You'll fastly remain in my prayers, Sir!*


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

wanttolove said:


> Lot's of questions but I will try to answer.
> 1. "Tough one" was said in an encouraging tone, nothing nasty about it at all. I support my son and he asks me to come watch him play sports. My wife's reaction is over the top mama bear and part of the respect issue. Her father yelled and she hated it, projects it on me. By the way, what do you think the proper reaction to "F you, Dad" should be? I was bewildered and hurt, not angry.
> 2. The story of my firing is a complicated and long one, very unethical and cruel, plotted by a director who is intimidated by experienced long term employees. It took a long time for them to fire me, about three years where they subjected me to a great deal of stress, enough to send to me to the hospital in an ambulance a few months prior to my firing. Ultimately, I was fired on a Wednesday night at 6 PM because I refused to stay any longer that day. It was my third day of 5 AM to 6 PM overtime, I had promised my high school senior daughter that I would meet her to practice for a parent/student performance to be presented at her senior finale band concert. How does that sound to you?
> 3. I found a job on the Friday afternoon following my Wednesday evening firing. I was basically unemployed for 24 hours and dug right in finding a job on Thursday morning. On top of that, I supported my family and worked my tail off for 25 years. My wife was a SAHM, something I supported no matter how difficult it was.. and it was difficult at times.
> 4. Sex is part of the equation but ultimately it is one of the symptoms of disrespect. If it were not for the absolute obvious and even stated refusal to respect me, then I would be willing to resolve the sex issue, something I think can be resolved even after 12 years. Does that make sense to you?


Yes, all makes sense, and I apologize for my typo in my original post back to you. Obviously, I mean your son should NOT have said that to you!  I think your response back to him was appropriate. I think I'd have just made my eyes really big and shared at them both in shock and then walked away. I can't imagine either one of my children talking to me that way! (Especially after being ASKED to attend events!) Your wife is obviously teaching your son to disrespect you, whether directly or indirectly.

I agree, keep the appointment. She needs a HUGE wake-up call, although it doesn't really sound like the divorce will bother her at all, so there's your answer.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

aine said:


> Why is your wife so reluctant to meet you even half way?
> 
> Shouldn't you both try MC at least to see how you can sort this out?
> 
> It is no doubt very tough but if you are not too keen on divorce, you must try all possible ways to know that you did all you could before walking away.


I agree with you. We tried counseling around 6 years ago. All it did was open wounds and it felt like nothing was resolved. It could have been the quality of the counselor, it could have been us, probably was a combination of both.

My wife is the youngest of seven girls. She is used to having things done for her, including making decisions. She also does not want to be the one who initiates the divorce, something very obvious to me. I think she wants a divorce. If she gets me to say it first, then I am the bad guy and she will be able to tell family/friends that I was the one. She wants everyone to view her as squeaky clean, always has, and always wants to put that face forward.

I am ready now that I have said it. In my mind, the decision has now been made.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Yes, all makes sense, and I apologize for my typo in my original post back to you. Obviously, I mean your son should NOT have said that to you!  I think your response back to him was appropriate. I think I'd have just made my eyes really big and shared at them both in shock and then walked away. I can't imagine either one of my children talking to me that way! (Especially after being ASKED to attend events!) Your wife is obviously teaching your son to disrespect you, whether directly or indirectly.
> 
> I agree, keep the appointment. She needs a HUGE wake-up call, although it doesn't really sound like the divorce will bother her at all, so there's your answer.


Thanks. I do appreciate what you say and thanks for weighing in. May you be well with what you are facing.

You say what I think about what my son is being taught. That is a huge part of the issue between us. At one point, around 5-6 years ago, she even seemed to encourage the disrespect and I called her on it.. and she admitted it.

She was very cold last Monday. There were no tears. The divorce will bother her. It will bother us both. A divorce may be what we ultimately need, however.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> * More than anything, I sense some sort of a progressive recurring mental breakdown on her part! And with no apparent evidence of willing participation to enter joint voluntary counseling, I'd sadly say that this M is all but a lost cause! If possible, I would wholeheartedly recommend that your teen kids get into some kind of IC, more especially your son! He seems to be unduly controlled by his M's emotions, that is seemingly helping in undermining your father-son relationship with him!
> ! Best of luck to you! You'll fastly remain in my prayers, Sir![COLOR]*




I genuinely appreciate the encouragement and prayers!

Ironically, our daughter just returned from college last Thursday, told me yesterday that she was seeing a counselor at college. Why? Because she feels her mother has been too invested and controlling. One issue she has with her mother is the obsession she has over her weight. 

My daughter and I have made it a point to go for breakfast together before church every Sunday morning. I have found out a lot how she feels during that one hour we have shared together each Sunday. It was good to have her back yesterday!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

I think you made a right decision. Does not sound like there is any strong base to work on to fix it.I am myself in the process of slowly accepting that this is what will eventually happen to my marriage. Not easy.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

WandaJ said:


> I think you made a right decision. Does not sound like there is any strong base to work on to fix it.I am myself in the process of slowly accepting that this is what will eventually happen to my marriage. Not easy.


Thanks. I am still working on feeling like it is the right decision. It feels more right now than it ever has been, probably because I have taken another step closer.

Have you posted a thread about where you are at in your own walk? I would like to hear your story. It has taken me a long, long time to get to this point and I am still not 100% accepted. I want to know that I am doing this for the right reason, not just giving up.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yes, this my thread, started back in September 2014, and I am updating it every few months. Last update this week:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/217993-no-affection-left-reversible.html


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Update:
Tomorrow my wife are getting out of the house to talk to each other about our future. I am going to ask for a divorce then, tell her that I am planning on moving in with my brother by the end of the month. Will also recommend that she consult with the attorney mediator that I talked to as I would like to go that route. I am almost sure she will not agree to any of this, which means I will still move out at the end of the month to start the period of separation required for divorce in the state that I live in.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

This looks like a bad marriage on many levels, and each of you is skeptical and mad enough at the other one that is won't get better. 

Consider a cooperative divorce trying to maintain a cordial relationship- you don't need to stick a fork in this relationship, it's been done a long time.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Good luck wanttolove. I wish I was ready for that move, but I am not there yet.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

wanttolove

How long is the legal separation period?

HM


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## Kitt (Jun 3, 2015)

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say that sometimes the best, most kind and compassionate thing you can do for your kids, your spouse and yourself is to move on and be happy. We only get one life, and you have spent far too much of yours being treated poorly. Best of luck. 

P.S. I love the image of you and your daughter breakfasting together and you being there for her.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Another update:
We did indeed have that discussion three Sundays ago (June 7). I told her that I want a divorce, that I am tired of talking to her about what I need and seeing nothing change.. and that includes our physical relationship. She said that I do not have grounds, have no justification from a biblical perspective, accused me of making too rash of a decision,... and really tried to treat me like I was a child who had not thought things through, even called me a child at one point. Of course, she is not agreeing to a divorce, says that we need to go to counseling again, and asked me to find a counselor. Yeah, she asked me to find a counselor for us. I told her that I would rather spend the money on a divorce mediator.

So as it stands, we have had several discussions since then, have not accomplished anything at all. I am still in the house, working on the timing for separation. I want to be prepared not only financially but also so it is best for my children. It is getting difficult to be around my wife, so I am hoping to move out next month, a bit behind the timetable I had set for moving out (basically it was tomorrow). I am working on a plan, know that is necessary.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> wanttolove
> 
> How long is the legal separation period?
> 
> HM


6 months.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Here since you are in the area Fathers Rights: Jeffery M Leving-Chicago Family Law & Divorce Attorney « Law Offices of Jeffery M. Leving, Ltd.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get two books https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 (PDF) by Athol Kay (eBook) - Lulu


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