# What to do?



## BNGum (Oct 14, 2016)

First off, it isn't me who is considering seperation, it's my wife. I'll start by giving a little history on us. We started dating 5 years ago, I was 16 and she was 23 and had a daughter who was 10 months old. I openly admit I wasn't ready for a long term relationship and we broke up for over a year. We got back together when I was 18 and just before I graduated high school. I thought I was ready for a long relationship this time. I moved in with her maybe 6 months later. I took on the responsibility of a step father to her daughter and we did well. We were for the most part happy- maybe a few small spats here and there. She wanted me to grow up faster, I liked playing video games in my free time and she hated that. I told her I would stop- but a few months would pass and one night she'd be at work and I'd go back on my promise. We did this same argument several times. Each time me telling her I was done, and then me forgetting about it a few months later. I guess I didn't see it as such a big deal, "who was she to tell me what I could or could not do in my spare time?". Fastforward to June 20 2014 when we got married. She had kind of pressured me into it. I didn't think we were ready, but she said she was getting too old and if I didn't marry her soon we would not be able to have children together. I wanted to have that perfect family. I wanted a child that we would raise together. Not long after the wedding she was pregnant, and I was happy. I think this is about the time she started having second thoughts. Started hating me for how selfish and ungrateful I was to her over and over. Our son was born and things were hard. Really hard. Nobody had any sleep, we were still in debt from our wedding and the stress was piling on fast. We lived as two seperate people. We hardly talked to each other, we fought over the inconsequential. Then slowly our son grew out of newborn hood. We started getting more sleep, she was able to leave the house and visit friends. Around 3 months ago we decided to switch paternity leave. I would stay home and she would go to work. She was tired of being cooped up, and I think she craved the respect that I wasn't giving her enough of. Not long after that we had one last huge fight. She was threatening divorce every time we fought but I attributed it to stress, something she fought with but didn't really mean. Then the fighting stopped. We seemed to coast. I thought things were getting better. 


3 days ago I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about our relation ship and why she seemed so distant. I had an epiphany that she had given up. She was done fighting with me to grow up. I thought I was growing up faster than any of my peers. Im a great dad, and I took on that responsibility. I look after the house, cover my share if the bills, I cook more often than she does, take the kids to extracurricular things and make sure we get out of the house with some regularity. 

I mulled over why she had stopped fighting for our marriage. Why she lost the commitment we swore to each other and realized how self absorbed I had been. I had been putting myself ahead of her so much that I had been putting her down. I hadn't been considering her feelings, I hadn't been appreciating her at all. When I talked to her after realizing these things, I asked her for forgiveness. I told her I realized what I had done, how poor of a hus band I had been to her. All she said was "it's too late". She had made her decision that the best option for her was to end the relationship. To give up. I tried to tell her that I was going to do better by her. Make it right. That the lifetime of happiness I still had to offer her would outweigh the past few years of hurting her. Thing is, my words meant nothing to her. She is set on the separation. We're still talking, but I think I've been overbearing, trying to talk it through trying to convince her to give love another chance. She said there was nothing I could say or do. Nothing I could show her. My realization had come too late- she had shut me out of her heart completely. Now I'm left wondering what I can do? I'm not ready to give up. I'm ready to show her what marriage should look like. I want to treat her right, put her above me for the first time in so long. I'm not sure where to go from here.

She has a plan that once our son is one year old i'm going to leave the house, and do my own thing. Go to university and figure "me" out. I can't explain to her how while I want to be able to support my family better, I gave up the opportunity to go to school to have the family in the first place. That my family is my number one priority, and I knew that going to school would have destroyed our relationship. I valued our relationship higher than my own success- because I saw a happy marriage and children a greater success than an educated career. Anyway. I'm stuck. I think I need to back off and give her space rather than bombard her with words and promises and questions about why she can't try once more. I know I didn't treat her right for years, but now that ive matured enough to see that, and to fix it, it's too late? I don't think there was anything done that couldn't be forgiven, reconsilled. She doesn't see it. She won't try to see it. Any advice about how to approach this would be so greatly appreciated. I have no idea where to do from here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that one of the major issues in your marriage is the age difference. You got with her far too young. She’s been in a different place in emotional development through your entire relationship. In the teens and 20’s, a few years’ difference is HUGE. I think that 16 & 23 is considered statutory rape in most states these days, with a 7-year difference in age.

Most people’s brains do not fully mature until they are about 26. Often people completely change at about age 26 for this reason. She has passed that milestone and you are not even there yet.

From what I gathered, she is not ending the relationship for a few months. That gives you time to change your behavior and to show her that you now get the message.

Stop doing anything that sounds like you are begging her to work on the marriage. Those are just words and words mean nothing. Actions are all that count. So start acting like the husband you should be.

Also, have the attitude that you will work on being a better you and a better husband, but if the marriage fails, you will take that lesson to your next relationship.

There are some books that you help you to read.

*“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. *These books will teach you how to structure your relationship/marriage in a healthy way that builds and maintains the passion. Read them in that order. You do the work that they suggest. Later, if she decides to work on the marriage, ask her to read them with you and then the two of you do the work together.

*“No More Mr. Nice Guy”*

*Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You sound quite mature for a man your age and I commend your commitment to your family. That said, I think you need to back off from her and give her the space she needs. It sounds like her mind is made up. She knew what she was getting into by marrying such a young man, especially one so much younger than she is. Despite your efforts, she sees you as immature, and that's on her. 

My suggestion would be to see if you can move back home and get into school. You can still be an active parent with the kids. I think its time you made that investment in yourself. I know its hard but you need to back away from her and detach, there is no point in trying to make someone stay where they don't want to be, all that causes is pain.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

You can't fight for a marriage by yourself. If she is not interested, it's over.

She made the mistake of marrying the person she thought you would grow up to be rather than the man who was in front of her. Now she see the man you are and she wants out.

No, you did not mature. Your attitude is not that of a mature man. You're only clinging to this marriage because it's yours, you want it and it's going bye bye.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BNGum said:


> She has a plan that once our son is one year old i'm going to leave the house, and do my own thing. *Go to university and figure "me" out. I can't explain to her how while I want to be able to support my family better, I gave up the opportunity to go to school to have the family in the first place. That my family is my number one priority, and I knew that going to school would have destroyed our relationship. *I valued our relationship higher than my own success- because I saw a happy marriage and children a greater success than an educated career. Anyway. I'm stuck. I think I need to back off and give her space rather than bombard her with words and promises and questions about why she can't try once more. I know I didn't treat her right for years, but now that ive matured enough to see that, and to fix it, it's too late? I don't think there was anything done that couldn't be forgiven, reconsilled. She doesn't see it. She won't try to see it. Any advice about how to approach this would be so greatly appreciated. I have no idea where to do from here.


Does she have a university degree?

Apparently you having a degree is now important to her. You being able to earn more money to support your family is important to her.

Is there a way that you can pay for schooling? Do you live in the USA or other country that has some kind of financial support for school?

If you were single, how would you pay for school and support yourself through it?


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## BNGum (Oct 14, 2016)

She has a certificate as a care aid. It was a one year course she took while I was in senior year of high school. I live in Canada, and university is an option financially through loans, possible scholarships, and assistance from my parents.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you still not working and taking care of your son? Or are you working again now?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn now?

If I were you, I'd go back to school and get either a university degree or some kind of trade. This is a decision that will impact your and your child's standard of living for the rest of your lives.

People who are married with children go to school all the time.


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## BNGum (Oct 14, 2016)

Our son is 9 months so I'm home with him for another 3 at least. When I'm working Im about 40% of joint income. And as much as I hate to admit it, i have to agree that going to school is probably the right decision to make


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