# Cant believe I fell for that again



## SadSmiley (May 12, 2016)

2 years since she told me she wanted a divorce.
Today... she told me she had found a new boyfriend. I thought I was okay with this. I thought it would set me free. But I am back in tears feeling sad. Why, why, why?

Back then I found this forum and got alot of help from some of you guys. But I had an agenda. Getting back with her. I set out to do exactly that, despite your good advice.
I did alot of things right for myself, but I do wish I had choosen a different reason for doing so. 

I took a very deep look at myself and started the change, both physically and mentally. And it worked. I lost a lot of weight (over 50 kg) and mentally I got more in touch with my feelings and being present in the moment. But in the start it was to show her how much better I was than her rebound guy, who happend to be a good friend of the family. Fast forward a year and a few months, it worked. But along those many months I started seeing the benefits for my health and state of mind. Now I am doing those things for the right reasons. For me. I do things because it makes me happy. 

Except when it comes to her...

I couldnt let go, maybe I still cant. When her rebound started failing, she started talking to me again. When it failed I comforted her and helped her through the pain. I see it. I am hurting myself by helping her. I just dont understand why I keep doing it. 
We started getting closer after the rebound failed. But she hadnt changed and she did almost nothing for me. When we were marriaged I often thought why do i stay? I felt myself asking the same question now. Can any of you explain why? And can I change this behaviour? Is it as easy as just let her go (not that it is easy)? What if she suddenly comes back again? How do I keep her away without being a jerk?

What now? I suddenly feel very alone. Did I just get a reset on the healing process? Back to square one.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I don't think you need to go back to square one, it sounds like you are taking care of yourself for you, and thats a good thing. With that said....its time to let her go. I don't think its possible for you to be friends with her, you are going to have to be all business with her, at least for the forseeable future. I say this because she is perfectly content leaving you in your role as supportive male friend, while she is looking for her next serious relationship. This is unhealhty for you. You have to walk away for your own good. I would suggest you slowly start finding out who else is out there for you. Once you do that I don't think you will be as fixated on her as you are now.


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## SadSmiley (May 12, 2016)

Thanks for the advice ReformedHubby.

I have just talked to a co-worker who have been through something similar. He told me the same thing. Move forward and go out and join some social activities with other people. Just to get some new input and inspiration. 
That brought me forward a few steps again. So not at square one, just a little back and moving forward on a different path.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

No Contact means no new hurt. Stop being part of her life, she is done with you, that chapter is closed. If you have kids together, keep it related to the kids ONLY. Once you cut her out of your life, you will move on and find someone better.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Yes, you have to pretend she's dead. There's no alternative for your health and sanity. 

So the big picture question of WHY you do this... Well, that's probably something a good shrink could figure out, but I'll tell you the first thing they will say: "So... tell me about your mom." Give that some thought.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You never started the healing process because she never left your sights. 

Healing begins with detachment. 

Please Google "180 The Healing Heart". Live it TO THE LETTER. That is your path to healing, and it starts with loving yourself first and foremost. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have allowed yourself to be her Plan B. She came back around because of familiarity, comfort, and because she knew you'd allow her to. You aren't what she wants, but she is perfectly fine with using you. Keep in mind that she FIRED you as her husband... you wouldn't keep going back to a job you were fired from and work for free, right? Same thing applies here. 

Cut contact with her 100%, unless of course you have kids together. If that's the case, text and email communication only, and ONLY in regards to info about the children. 

NO WOMAN is worth this! Remember that.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey @SadSmiley, I'm sorry that you're feeling down, and yes, things do get better. Here's the help that I can offer you:

1. It's okay to feel emotions, but it's not always good to act on them

2. Keep working on yourself, hit the gym, eat healthy (and treat yourself too). Congrats on the weight loss, by the way!

3. Your ex seems to want to keep you on the back burner; don't let her do this. She wanted a divorce for a reason, and you said that you wondered why you had stayed in the marriage too. It's comfortable; it's what you both know, so you stayed for longer than necessary. It's okay, what's done is done, but try to limit your contact with her. Do you guys have kids? If so, keep the conversation strictly about the kids. If not, don't take her calls, or start by limiting the calls you take. This includes emails/texts.

You said yourself that she hasn't changed, so I'm not sure what you get out of your current state of affairs with her. 

4. Don't continue to be there for her when she needs someone. You guys used to be each other's soft place to fall, but you both need to find something or someone else that brings comfort. 

In answer to your question: yes, this behaviour can be changed, but you have to be the one driving that change. Have you dated anyone since your divorce? Why don't you start slowly putting yourself out there, and ease into the dating world? Also, make sure that you're #1 priority (unless of course, you have kids, then factor them in there too). Oh, and don't worry about being a jerk; she's the one who wanted to divorce, after all. I'm the one who asked my then husband for a divorce, and I'm sure he's not worried about my feelings; I'd be surprised if he were!


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## SadSmiley (May 12, 2016)

Thanks for the advice everyone.

It seems that the general advice is what I expected. Cut the contact.

I feel much better today. It actually started yesterday evening. I found the answer in myself. I have known this for some time. The woman she is now, is not a woman I would fall in love with. And now is all that matters. Not what was or what might be. After that realization I felt much better about it.

I know that I will be hit by feelings of uncertainty from time to time. And yesterday was certainly one of them, a big one.

It is good to know that I have a place to share my feelings.
Thanks for help.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

So, you know this is a weakness of yours. You aren't alone. There are lots of folks who believe in change as they see it in their minds. They find something that they really do love about someone, though there are lots of things that are really dealbreakers revealed. They want this person so much, they push those dealbreakers back in their mind and focus on what they found they love about the person. 

I think what helps is getting yourself back into reality. Realizing that actions speak louder than words or dreams. Recognizing and looking at actions while comparing them to what you know you makes you happy. You must keep yourself in the real world instead of fantasy. 

Work on yourself in those areas and you will realize, while she had something you really did like, she was not the right person for you. There were too many things she did that were not compatible with who you really are.


Edit: Learn to like yourself for who you are. Learn to be comfortable with yourself, doing things as you decide. This will help you to keep from falling into your own fantasy trap.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Breaking all non-essential communication with her is paramount! 

Since she was instrumental in killing the relationship, for your sake, she needs to be treated just like she has died!

Let her become somebody else's problem now!

*


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