# Am I being unreasonable?



## Jimmy58 (Apr 15, 2011)

Hi, I'm new here to this forum but desperately need to talk to someone about my very complicated relationship.

I could go on here for hours but I'll try to keep it brief and to the point otherwise you'll glaze over by the 15th paragraph.

Here's the basic facts. I'm 52 recently divorced, self employed house owner, separated 3 years ago, I have two daughters who lived with me & my ex wife up till our split, we both brought them up together, the youngest lives with me (16) half the time on a week on week off basis the rest of the time with her mum and new husband, the eldest daughter lived with me prior to going to Uni in another city 9 months ago (she is now 20). I communicate with both of them regularly and love them dearly but I give them their space and both are very independent.

I met a lovely woman on an internet dating site 3 years ago who lives 25 miles away, she lives with her two kids Boy 18 & Girl 19 all the time, they do not spend any more than the odd night with their dad who lives in the same town. They moved recently to a smaller house because my partner could no longer afford to stay in her old home due to financial restraints. (Ex hubby no longer pays maintenance due to age and with kids working benefits have now been stopped)

As I say very complicated relationship, we both have our own houses and would love to live together, get married again, we love each other dearly but know it wouldn't work if we all settled in together because of the children. Meanwhile I bought my ex wife out and took on a large mortgage to enable me & my children to stay in the matrimonial home with the view to using it as a home in the future with my new partner. I would not have done this if I'd planned on staying single. So 2 years on, we are playing a sort of waiting game for them all to leave become independent but without any pressure, my eldest daughter has left for Uni and her daughter is about to do the same this september, (although I wouldn't hold my breath) we constantly speak of ways to solve the living together problem but draw a blank, her kids will not leave her town yet I own a house that is big enough for all of us, (but I wouldn’t want them in my home anyway as they are a nightmare and terribly untidy) ...........all will become clear…

We spend more time on the phone than together during the week and most of our conversations are about her kids or my kids or problems, where as I like to talk about our future or my many varied interests. I get bored continually talking about people.

My problem is we see very little of each other because my partner tends to act as a samaritan (joke) to everyone she comes into contact with which gives us even less time together as she's always helping family members fill CV's in, apply for jobs, take them to the doctors, I have become very jealous of the time all these people take from her, although she is more then happy to give it. This on top of running all aspects of a home and having a full time job in another city 40 miles away. She gets up at 5.30am and does not return to the home till around 5pm where she is expected to cook and clean for ungrateful kids while they go out enjoying themselves leaving a mess everywhere they go. We see each other briefly on weekends, where most of our time is spent discussing more problems and interuptions from various sources.

My main problem is her continual use of her mobile phone, she's on it even when we are trying to spend some quality time together and invariably it's her 18/19 year old kids(adults remember) they are always texting, leaving messages in the night to get in touch asap about something that is not important. She knows it annoys me and i've asked her to limit it's use, but goes crazy if I mention it, so she's come up with the idea of putting the phone on silent mode so I don't hear the texts or phone ring, but she then spends all day checking it in her bag/ pocket/across the table etc etc, then if someone has tried to get her she goes into another room to make the call, thinking I haven’t noticed, she does this because I got so annoyed that one night while visiting my house she sat right next to me for 35 mins texting her daughter claiming she had a personal problem she needed to discuss with her mum. (She'd only left her 2 hours previous and was going back later anyway but it couldn’t wait). Her daughter is a well known manipulator and even my partner has admitted that both her kids are spoilt and are impatient if they don’t get their own way. She’s also admitted that her daughter feels threatened by my presence when at their house, (in terms of getting her mums attention) I've witnessed it on many occasions and sat and bit my tongue as the fireworks go off or the demands are made to spoil our time together. I do not enjoy being in that house and am continually on edge. 

The weekend just gone we were celebrating my partners 50th birthday with a romantic weekend away she was still getting these calls and texts throughout the day and evening from her mother her son and her daughter, I was livid as each time she had to respond immediately and go into another room to deal with the call/message, always ending with, don’t worry darling, we’ll have a chat about it later, love you love you etc etc, They’d probably run out of milk or something and didn’t know where to get any…I kept quiet for the sake of the special weekend but unfortunately the mood had been ruined yet again by these continual intrusions. I have a slight tendency to sulk on these occasions which is easily detected and you guessed it she spotted my sulking throughout wednesday and on thursday morning over the phone when we were both in our own homes I just had to say that the mobile phone situation had spoilt our weekend and she went ballistic again, failing to see my point of view or that the situation was something and nothing. She then called me pathetic and needing to “man up”, whatever that means and to get a life, instead of putting her under pressure with my stupid rules. Insisting that she would never leave her kids without a line of communication to get her on. (I’d asked her to switch it off or leave it at home on many occasions) Bear in mind the kids father is available and lives close by as does various aunts and uncles. So in short we’ve had a massive argument and another potential split up (we have one about every 4 to 5 weeks) about this very subject because she cannot see my point. 

I’d love people to be brutally honest with me on this, firstly I have never accused her of having an affair and I know she isn't seeing anyone else, she says she's never loved anyone like she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Unfortunately she is also the type of person who uses very complimentary remarks to virtually everyone she knows and says love you love you to virtually everyone too, so it kind of dilutes my understanding of these comments as I only use those words and comments to people I genuinely care about and that's not many I can assure you. 

It is simply the fact that it would appear her kids think it’s perfectly ok to contact her with absolutely anything at any time no matter how trivial and my partner does not see that I think this is a very unhealthy situation for a mother to be in, especially when these people are old enough to be living on their own, and all day long my partner is checking her phone to see if her poor little neglected kids are ok. (something she feels guilty about from her marital split some 8 years ago) She knows it upsets me and she tells me she will lay down and die for her kids, I don’t have a problem with that but the kids themselves are spoilt rotten and give her zero respect, (and me too) they never lift a finger to help around the house, they both work and both earn good money and do nothing but add to my partners already very very busy timetable as she has a full time job too. Meanwhile, I go round there and it’s like a bombsite due to their untidiness. (they are all as bad as each other) I’ve tried to accept them I’ve tried to love them but quite honestly I have trouble liking them because of the pressure they put on their mum and when I mention it again my partner goes mad with ME!!! And starts going on about my girls, who by comparison are like silent angels and ask for nothing.

Somebody please tell me I’m being unreasonable and then I might start to understand I’m being way to selfish, be as critical as you like, but within the forum rules of course.

Thanks for listening (that’s if you did read it all…lol)


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you have a point about her obsessive texting/calling being unhealthy. It sounds unhealthy to me but take into consideration that im not a mom. But its really no reason to dislike the kids, after all, she raised them. If they have any nasty attitudes or habits its simply what they've been taught. She doesnt set limits with them and they are shaped by her guilt. 

You've told her how you felt about the issue and she insulted you by calling you pathetic. So not only is she obsessive with the kids she's also mean. Doesnt sound like someone I'd want to live with. Even if her kids go off to college she's still going to be obsessing about them.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

First, I think her daughters are not very understanding towards their mother, they are selfish for not giving their mother precious time to be with her partner! 

Second I think your partner shouldn't think that she is important and great and she can solve everybody's problem, she can't even solve her own problem with her partner! 

Or she might have impulsive issues! 

You guys don't get together a lot, when you do get together, I think you two should cherish your time together. Don't let anything else disturb you unless somebody is in a car accident or somebody has to be rushed to the hospital! 

People who don't respect other people's presence annoy people, and very soon their presence won't be cherished either!


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## Happilymarriedwife (Apr 3, 2011)

Obviously the way you two deal with your children is completely different. If you can't accept her the way she is (and it doesn't seem that you can) it's time to move on. Why would you want to continue the same pattern over and over. You're not married. That's what dating is for -to find out if you're compatible and you're not. It's not right or wrong what she's doing, it's just who she is. You are not going to change her. That's where you're getting the resistance and backlash from her is when you do try and change her. If you don't want to deal with her children and her constant attention to everyone else, you need to move on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jimmy,
She has totally deprioritized you. As you have found "getting angry/being hurt" is completely ineffective. Saying "I am angry or I am hurt" to an alpha female just makes her more aggressive. 

Just say 'that is not acceptable' and then don't contact her for a while. Let her come to you. If she doesn't move on. If she does, simply explain that you are not interested in a relationship where you are such a low priority that anyone else can disrupt your time together for any reason whatsoever. 

When she tells you that you are to sensitive/needy just say "I disagree" and end the call. You may be ending the relationship but I can tell you now that it will get WORSE not better if she moves in with you or you two get married. ANY behavior you tolerate now, you will get MORE of when you show a higher level of commit like moving in. Her kids will come to the house. They will trample on you, your time, your pride, etc. with her assistance. 

For now, the only answer is to reduce the priority you give her and see what happens. 




Jimmy58 said:


> Hi, I'm new here to this forum but desperately need to talk to someone about my very complicated relationship.
> 
> I could go on here for hours but I'll try to keep it brief and to the point otherwise you'll glaze over by the 15th paragraph.
> 
> ...


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Jimmy,
> She has totally deprioritized you. As you have found "getting angry/being hurt" is completely ineffective. Saying "I am angry or I am hurt" to an alpha female just makes her more aggressive.
> 
> Just say 'that is not acceptable' and then don't contact her for a while. Let her come to you. If she doesn't move on. If she does, simply explain that you are not interested in a relationship where you are such a low priority that anyone else can disrupt your time together for any reason whatsoever.
> ...


Jimmy,

I think what MEM suggested is to the core! From a woman's point of view! 

The more you tolerate her, the more she takes you for granted! 

Do what MEM suggested, and you are going to see a big change in her attitude! 

If she doesn't, she is not worth your time and love anyway!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with MEM and Pearl...however, I see a LOT of disdain in your 'voice' and you can be SURE that she sees it, too.

While her kids are spoiled, while the texting is extreme, you're acting like you just wish she'd hurry up and get rid of her kids so you can have the 'real' gf back.

Well, guess what? Moms don't give up their kids, even when they move away.

If you're under the assumption that once they no longer live in her house, she will not put them at least on the same level as you, then you need to definitely move on. It won't happen. And it's rude of you to suggest it.


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## Jimmy58 (Apr 15, 2011)

Thanks for all the replies everyone, there seems to be a huge difference of opinion as to how I should deal with my problem. 

I must say I am confused as to why some of you think I want her to get rid of her kids, all I ask is that she gets the respect she deserves from them and that she can see that having a 24/7 open line of communication available to them is not healthy. 

Since my original message I have brought this subject up again and expectedly it caused another argument. This time I compared the brief time we have together where we get no privacy with a holiday she is about to have with a female workmate in Europe for a full 10 days. (this was hastily organised during a brief split up we had 2 months ago) I suggested that if she was able to put things in place where her kids would understand she would not be available why wouldn't she be able to do that for a brief 24hours or god forbid a full weekend when we are occasionally together. Unfortunately she did not see my point at all and said I was purely jealous that she was going away with a friend instead of me and would still have her phone switched on anyway. I have to admit I am jealous that she's made 10 days available and found money she doesn't have to go away when in almost 3 years we have known each other she can't leave her kids for more than a day/weekend at the most. AND Yes I am disappointed that we were not going away together.

Possibly as has already been said we are living in two completely different worlds and we will never understand each others needs and expectations.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If her kids were 35 and 40, I could see your suggestion. But they aren't! They are still kids! I know, I have a 20 year old, and she still is a kid. Hell, I still felt like a kid when I was 25. When I was 30, I still felt guilty having sex, and I'd been married 9 years! Because you don't just shut off a valve and suddenly think 'adult' thoughts. 

Sorry, but the real issue here is you think her kids should be detaching by now, and that is just not realistic. Maybe you can detach from YOUR kids because you didn't raise them. But she did; they are still very close to her, as they should be.

IMO, it's disrespectful and selfish for you to expect this. And obviously she feels it too.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now, that said, I have no problem with her being able to arrange a kids-free weekend. She should be willing to do that. Just not to the level you're hoping for.


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## Jimmy58 (Apr 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> If her kids were 35 and 40, I could see your suggestion. But they aren't! They are still kids! I know, I have a 20 year old, and she still is a kid. Hell, I still felt like a kid when I was 25. When I was 30, I still felt guilty having sex, and I'd been married 9 years! Because you don't just shut off a valve and suddenly think 'adult' thoughts.
> 
> Sorry, but the real issue here is you think her kids should be detaching by now, and that is just not realistic. Maybe you can detach from YOUR kids because you didn't raise them. But she did; they are still very close to her, as they should be.
> 
> IMO, it's disrespectful and selfish for you to expect this. And obviously she feels it too.


I'm sorry if I misunderstand your comments but i take offense at your suggestion that I didn't raise my own kids, I have been a good father to both my girls and brought them up in a way that they do not need me to find them a towel if they have a shower or kick off if they can't get a lift into town IMMEDIATELY!! or am their 24/7 to tell them what bus to catch every time they go out. My girls have become independent young adults while still retaining the fun of being kids, they think I'm a joker and I too still think I'm a big kid at heart, but I aint nobodies slave...which I think is the correct way, if you and people like you want to spoil your kids and have them walk all over you then say goodbye to your life and a big hello to theirs. 

My point in this thread is to ask if it is unreasonable of me to expect a certain level of respect and time to ourselves when it is very limited as I have already explained. I have not come on here for an argument. Maybe I have not made myself totally clear here but I have put up with watching two spoilt kids get away with murder for almost three years from a mother who clearly has no concept of what is normal or acceptable behaviour for a couple of people who are old enough to be parents or fight for their country but are incapable of making a cup of coffee without asking their mother if she'll do it for them.

Just so you know how ridiculous this behaviour is...Only last night her son rang her mobile to mobile, he was laid on his bed upstairs and my partner and myself were in the lounge trying to enjoy some time together, but he found it necessary to ring her to ask if she would get up and switch the Central Heating on because he was cold. The Thermostat for the combi boiler is in HIS bedroom......

:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jimmy58 said:


> I'm sorry if I misunderstand your comments but i take offense at your suggestion that I didn't raise my own kids, I have been a good father to both my girls and brought them up in a way that they do not need me to find them a towel if they have a shower or kick off if they can't get a lift into town IMMEDIATELY!! or am their 24/7 to tell them what bus to catch every time they go out. My girls have become independent young adults while still retaining the fun of being kids, they think I'm a joker and I too still think I'm a big kid at heart, but I aint nobodies slave...which I think is the correct way, if you and people like you want to spoil your kids and have them walk all over you then say goodbye to your life and a big hello to theirs.
> 
> My point in this thread is to ask if it is unreasonable of me to expect a certain level of respect and time to ourselves when it is very limited as I have already explained. I have not come on here for an argument. Maybe I have not made myself totally clear here but I have put up with watching two spoilt kids get away with murder for almost three years from a mother who clearly has no concept of what is normal or acceptable behaviour for a couple of people who are old enough to be parents or fight for their country but are incapable of making a cup of coffee without asking their mother if she'll do it for them.
> 
> ...


 I'm sorry. For some reason I misread and thought you said your kids grew up with their mom! Ignore my posts, lol.

I do see what you're saying. And it does sound like they've been babied beyond reason.

That said...do you really think she - or they - will ever change? What I hear from you is that you love her - if she would only change.

How would you feel if she said that about you?

It sounds more to me that you are too incompatible to make it. I just can't imagine the two of you getting past this. I really don't. She gets too much of her needs met by being her kids' end-all/be-all. And she always will. They'll likely either still be living with her when they're 30 or 40 or they'll have moved back home by then because they know they'll get a free ride (and will have never been taught to do it on their own) - and she'll be loving it.

Sorry I can't be more hopeful.


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## Lorraine M (Apr 26, 2011)

Look, as a woman going through a marriage/spousal mental health problem, but who still has contact with the world of dating thanks to divorced friends honestly? Ever heard that show and book title "He's just not that into you"? Well...she's just not that into you. Why, at 52, with kids raised totally different and honestly, it's not your place to criticize her kids, we are only hearing your side here so we can't be sure your judgement is on target or you are jealous or perceiving something, and yes, the texting, callling is rude but.....if she were into you as much as you are into her? she would make the time. It's that simple. You are being used so she has someone for a relationship, you allow yourself to be used, so knowing what you know, why would a divorced father invite this kind of drama into a second serious relationship, unless you deep down thrive on it or are afraid there is no one else. The same way a lot of women marry the first guy who asks in case there isn't anyone else, well they will date someone/have a relationship for the same reason, so they don't feel alone and can refer to "my boyfriend". You need to set your needs and if they aren't met, notice there is no right or wrong, no accusations, just reality, if your needs can't be met, move on. Seriously, with what I've been going through with my husband, this sounds more like the stuff my daughter brings home from school. If she won't stop texting and talking during dating and stop being a do gooder for everyone else and you know this going in, how do you expect your relationship to be? Not to hurt your feelings or anything but are you sure you aren't the only one she's "seeing"? Maybe it's not her kids and you think it is. It seems this is just unhealthy and waste of life for you. Please move on.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jimmy,
Huge issue with your post below. This is not about "her" getting the respect she deserves from THEM. This is about YOU getting the respect you deserve from HER. As for how she interacts with them - unless it directly impacts you - keep your peace.

This is between YOU and HER. And framing it any other way is sure to be a bust. SHE needs to ignore them when she is with YOU unless she gets a 911 text. And if she does it sure better be a real emergency.




Jimmy58 said:


> Thanks for all the replies everyone, there seems to be a huge difference of opinion as to how I should deal with my problem.
> 
> I must say I am confused as to why some of you think I want her to get rid of her kids, all I ask is that she gets the respect she deserves from them and that she can see that having a 24/7 open line of communication available to them is not healthy.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Jimmy I think the kid discussion is a diversion and is not the most important issue. Blended families have issues with kids who have grown up infer different circumstances and expectations very common. These are in fact the largest stresses on a relationship. I don't see anything in your post indicating you are being unfair to her or her kids. 

I see a complete lack of repect for yourself both from her and from her children. That is the problem. As MEM has said you are very low onjer list, below her children, family and friends. I hope you are at lest above the dog. Since you are a low priority for her, I think you should lower her on your priority list, don't plan any more special events to celebrate your relationship. I think it is important for you to aquire more interest and friends separate from her. Why not take a couple of W/E's to cultivate new activities and netting new people instead of meeting with her. 

How can you doubt that you have a right to be a high priority to a woman you plan to marry? If she treats you dismissively why be in a relationship? She is treating you like a door mat and you are asking if you are being unreasonable. If you had a friend who was on your situation asking your advice what would you say? Right then say that to yourself. Don't marry or move in with this woman she will make your life a misery if you don't change the dynamics. In fact, why don't you take the break up times you have frequently to date other women and be honest with her and let her know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimmy58 (Apr 15, 2011)

This is all getting very complicated. I feel the majority vote is walk away but I also feel guilty for all of you making your assumptions from only information I have given you (one side of the argument). I could give you lots more personal information to work on that might slightly or largely colour your judgement or it could be totally irrelevant but I've taken up enough of your time already.

Many thanks for all of your suggestions, they have been gratefully received albeit very sad to read.


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