# Not in a good place right now...



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am seething pissed. I had a meltdown today driving home from work realizing that I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. 

Husband works for a new company that takes him to NYC one week each month. I get the being out of town, I do.
The first time he left, he called me 3 times in 5 days. A few short words at best and at the end was "love ya babe". A text that I sent about how come you don't talk to me was responded with "I am very busy and texts are too impersonal". 

Yesterday morning he left early for 1 week in NYC and I got a text saying he landed and all is well. He called last night. He asked to speak to the boys and spent a total of 30 seconds on the phone with me saying his meetings sucked, he had to go. Click.

Today, I drove home from work just sobbing. I texted him earlier in the day and nothing was responded to. I texted him again. He wrote back "busy" despite him responding to his best friend, brother, his mother and his friend who lives overseas (Gmail, I know the login). 
So tonight he calls me and talks about the rain and how he had to buy an umbrella and that his feet hurt, he needs to go shower and that he has important things he has to do before tomorrows meetings. "Bye babe". Click.

I realize that he has behaved this way our entire marriage. I was never important to him. Words were his action. Action never mattered. We went 4 months at a clip when I begged, BEGGED for sex. He always claimed he was low test and had little sex drive and only did "it" for my benefit. 
Funny how he had no problem checking out other younger women and imagining them naked for his spank bank. I found that part out years later during an "honesty" dump.

He has recently talked about moving back to CA. I love CA as that is where we grew up and it is gorgeous. He could tele-commute as his job can be anywhere. He wants to move back to be closer to family and friends. I don't matter. I was never mentioned in the mix. It makes it so much easier. When I mentioned that he didn't talk about me he said "well of course I meant you". Sure.

I want to move back for more sinnister reasons in that CA law has alimony. Lifetime. We married there. I used my own inheritance to put this man through grad school. I firmly believe that after nearly 18 years of bs, I deserve a part of the income I largely helped create. In Texas, I would get 3 years tops. 

I NEVER thought I would be this kind of woman, ever. Here I am, angry and pissed off. Well I am. I want a piece of his income for the rest of my life. I paid the price.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

MC?


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I would be angry and pissed too.

What an awful place to be in.

Sounds like he has put you last for a very long time.

Move back and then give an ultimatum. If he wants to make drastic changes he will.

Other wise, move on with your life.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

1. He is taking you for granted. You are a given. "well of course I meant you". If he can't put you first over career and everything else then you need to decide whether that life is good enough for you.

2. Your last comments are just evil. Wait until the situation is better for you and then make your move. I'm pretty sure you're a better person than that. Will he just be changing for the the financial benefit if you wait until you move and then give him an ultimatum? 

3. You have allowed him to treat you like this. You need to own it so that you can move forward and not allow it again whether you stay together or you find someone new.

4. Hope today is a better day


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't think her last comments are Evil, this is how she feels right now, she acknowleges it is not right. Sometimes you just need to rant a little! 


This type of treatment from a Spouse is why many fall into depression or even an affair if the right storm comes along. Better to get out , find another who can appreciate you for YOU, and what you have to offer.

And who uses ACTIONS as well as words, how important this is!! If he has been this way the entire marraige, unless he will commit to counseling & see the severity of how you feel- and care deeply, what is the chance of lasting changes?


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

He's hurt you in areas where a woman is incredibly vulnerable, and the hurt is pretty extreme. As a person trying to express support, it just seems that words fall short. Most of us know that the pain just requires time to process before it makes sense.

Since it is posted in a men's area, I'm hoping that you were also just wondering if a guy can tell you how we would interpret your husband's actions. To be honest, it sounds like he is taking the low road, but I think many men will see parts of this that don't come naturally to a woman.

I don't want to make this too long, but it could be helpful to mention that my wife and I are really working through our counselor to better understand our hidden communication. One area that has hurt us is her depression. My wife admits that she is depressed about 80% of the time. This bipolar variant is almost completely resistant to antidepressants. I agree with the counselor when she tells me that I 'own' my wife's depression. It makes me so angy that some external agent is hurting her. I feel like I should be able to make it better, but my responses have been interpreted by her as proof that I do not care. She's harbored resentment for over 20 years. 

One situation that the counselor brought up last week happened a few years ago. I called in sick during the night when my wife was really depressed, got my mother to watch the kids, and drove almost all night with my wife to the beach. I wanted her to see a beautiful sunrise. To see that there is beauty in life, if she'll only open up to it. My wife was so furious that she wouldn't even listen to what I was trying to tell her. She was convinced that she just needed to talk about the feelings going on, but I knew that this often made her suicidal.

What I'm saying is that she was convinced that I took her to the beach to keep from dealing with the depression. She saw my actions as intentional hurts. I just felt like a failure, and I avoided talking about it because I only made it worse.

There have to be reasons for your husband's behaviors. As a man, one or two common ones are far more likely to be the case. I'd be willing to bet a paycheck that your husband has a deep seated fear of not being able to meet your needs sexually. Maybe he even fears ED. You are a strong woman. How would a strong woman be able to understand his feeling of weakness? If this is truly what is going on, it hasn't occured to him that you are capable of seeing that you aren't the problem, and would've been willing to help him through this.

Concerning the travel ... well, that's a hard one. Many times, if we sense that the wife is not happy, we feel like she is waiting for some grand epiphany from our words that will make her feel loved. He's likely just taking a copout, but the most important thing that you could accept is that he is probably fully aware that he is screwing up, and he probably feels like he'll try to find some way to make it better when he returns. 

The most important thing you can remember is that these are his weaknesses. Its not something that he walks into intentionally though. Its more like he just stumbles there, hoping for a way out. Maybe he desn't even deserve a helping hand, but if you chose this guy to be your husband, its not very likely that he's doing this actively to hurt you. Through a counselor, maybe you can decide if you'll stay with a guy who needs you to pull him out of the mud once and a while.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Brighteyes . . . sorry to hear you're hurting. 

You mentioned he's been like this the whole marriage. Has something changed now that it's really bothering you? Or, just too much of the same crap and you're fed up? How are things when he his home? You mentioned no sex for four months - was this recent? Has it gotten better? I've hear people post that couples need 15 hours/week together for couples-time (I haven't gotten there myself but seems a good goal). When you've spoken to him about lack of attention (I assume you at least tried) what has been his reaction. I agree with Halien about these may not be things he's doing to intentionally hurt you.

The words we use can have such an impact on the listener. You sounds a bit pissed with the 'love ya babe' comment. Would there be something else you'd rather him say? I know my wife says things like "I think it's in MY bedroom" "I'm taking MY daughters to see blah blah" . . . it subtle but if she's speaking with me about OUR bedroom or OUR daughters - don't cut me out of the family by saying MY. Again, a big deal? In some ways no, other ways yes.

I think your plan B is sinister only if it gets moved up to Plan A with an effort.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I don't think her last comments are Evil, this is how she feels right now, she acknowleges it is not right. Sometimes you just need to rant a little!


I actually meant if she acted that out. All IMO.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

As someone who once had a husband similar to that I agree with Halien there has to be a reason for his behaviors. In my case it was yes strong woman marries passive man and the rest is history. He does have deep seated fears of not being enough for me sexually or otherwise. I couldn't see that before but do now. And yes when he traveled I was the one he called last. Used to make me so pissed but now I know why it happened. He had resentment towards me and until I fixed that I was going to stay last on his priority list. Total passive aggressive behavior.

I don't know your story. Maybe your husband is just a jerk I don't know. I just know that I have single handedly managed to turn my marriage around simply by changing the way I respond to him. He hasn't stepped one foot in MC in 12 years. It's all me.


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

I totally can understand why you feel the way you do.

I just think you might want to give MC a try before calling it quits....


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Brighteyes, you are similar to me in some respects so I'm going to get this out there. You seem to sway between idealizing your husband and thinking he's the worst thing in the world. Do you think it's possible that in his absence your heart is lonely and wanting attention that he doesn't understand you need?

Either way, I'd be thinking the same way as you about the alimony. I don't see anything wrong with it. You stayed home and raised those children so that he could pursue his career. You both made sacrifices along the way for the betterment of your family so why should he be allowed to be the only one who has claim to the financial aspect of that?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Trenton said:


> You seem to sway between idealizing your husband and thinking he's the worst thing in the world. Do you think it's possible that in his absence your heart is lonely and wanting attention that he doesn't understand you need?


Good point. I do this. Even now that things are better I tend to flaw pick when he's away too long. I've learned to speak up and tell him what I need and that helps. But it took work for me to get to that point. And he still manages to muck it up. Men are clueless sometimes. I just calmly keep trying until he gets it. It's almost always a breakdown in communication. He thinks I should just "know" he misses me but I need to hear it and need to see it in his actions.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

He sounds like he is doing a very poor job of meeting your emotional needs. This is not good for a marriage. It causes you to want to divorce him. Now, there are three possible reasons for this. 1. He is a selfish person and incapable of doing it. 2. HE does not know what your emotional needs are. 3. He is not motivated to meet your needs because you don't meet his needs and your marriage is stuck in a death spiral (very common).

The good news is, based on these 3 items, there is a 67% chance it can be fixed with actions you can take.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s a pattern. About every three months. Only one person can change it.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

So sorry to hear you are having a tough time Op!

*hugs*


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have no advice, but I have been where you are. The anger, panic, emotional pain...  I hope you can find some peace within yourself and maybe get some real answers from your husband.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

In fairness, he has to begin to understand her as well. That's why it keeps happening every three months. There's a disconnect leading to insecurity and resentment. He knows her well, he should know that making her feel secure while he's away is an important aspect of their connection for her.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Have you talked about going with him sometime for a few days? Is that possible?

Is it possible he HATES his new job? Maybe even depressed or regretting having taken it?


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Have you talked about going with him sometime for a few days? Is that possible?
> 
> Is it possible he HATES his new job? Maybe even depressed or regretting having taken it?


<off topic>Hey you, how are you doing? Did you ever go to the motorcycle rally?</off topic>


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Trenton said:


> <off topic>Hey you, how are you doing? Did you ever go to the motorcycle rally?</off topic>


No - no rally's for me thanks.

I'm "detaching with love" and focusing on myself and my kids.

Thanks for asking!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> No - no rally's for me thanks.
> 
> I'm "detaching with love" and focusing on myself and my kids.
> 
> Thanks for asking!


I didn't see you as the rallying type. Ah well, rooting for your happiness over here. The happiness of BrightEyes as well


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Update: We spoke last night about normal things. How is it going up there, who did you meet with, what are your new duties, etc. He ended the convo by saying he hadn't eaten yet and was going to get dinner but he wanted to talk to our youngest son as oldest wasn't home. They spoke for nearly 15 minutes and then my son hung up. He then tackled me with a bear hug and said "that was from Dad". Um, okay. Why exactly couldn't "Dad" show that himself? Not an I love you or miss you. Just talking like the two of us are business partners. I just don't get it.

NG, to answer your question, he LOVES his job. Loves everything about it. He works with really cool people who respect him and value him. 

Last time when he returned I asked him if it was hard being away and he said "eh" that he hates to fly but he gets to interact with awesome people and he loves NYC in limited quantities. I am at a total loss and at the point where I don't think I should have to point out that telling your wife that being away from her for a week is "awesome" and the only downside is getting on a plane. I know if I told him that, he would be incredibly hurt as he should be.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Last time when he returned I asked him if it was hard being away and he said "eh" that he hates to fly but he gets to interact with awesome people and he loves NYC in limited quantities. I am at a total loss and at the point where I don't think I should have to point out that telling your wife that being away from her for a week is "awesome" and the only downside is getting on a plane. I know if I told him that, he would be incredibly hurt as he should be.


I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

And without meaning to rub salt into the wounds, I think this was a loaded question for him. He wasn't saying being away from YOU was awesome, he was saying part of what he likes is interacting with awesome people. This does not mean that YOU are not awesome to interact with. Maybe part of him does like the break in routine and new stimulation of the city and people. Is he able to/excited to share those experiences with you when he returns? 

I know there's a lot more going on than this - I just latched on to your comment to offer this different take.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.
> 
> And without meaning to rub salt into the wounds, I think this was a loaded question for him. He wasn't saying being away from YOU was awesome, he was saying part of what he likes is interacting with awesome people. This does not mean that YOU are not awesome to interact with. Maybe part of him does like the break in routine and new stimulation of the city and people. Is he able to/excited to share those experiences with you when he returns?
> 
> I know there's a lot more going on than this - I just latched on to your comment to offer this different take.


True, loaded question. However, if I am so awesome, why the little to no interaction when he is home?
He comes home ear to ear grin from his trip talking on and on about how awesome the company he works for is, the floors he got to visit, the things he got to see, etc. He loves the excitement of it all. 
When he is home, all he wants to do is lay on the sofa and watch sci-fi crap or play on his phone. I want to go skydiving, teach him how to ski down a black diamond slope and dance the Tango with him. No interest whatsoever. He in his own words is a "homebody" and loves nothing more than to stay at home. 

We do go out every Friday night to a bar/club that has a local band. He has a great time, won't dance but has a great time. For those 4 hours he is a totally different person and fun. Bring him home and it is business as usual. Apparently New York is "fun" and I am not, at least that is how I feel right now.

People who know me in real life say that we truly are opposites. I am the outgoing "life" of the party and he is the wallflower. In business however, he is dominant. VERY dominant. He is willing to listen to other opinions and act if they make sense. 99% of the time he tosses the ideas out the window. A VERY arrogant [email protected], yet he is rarely wrong in business. He is beyond intelligent and that is why he is so arrogant. That intelligence and arrogance got us where we are today and I would be lying if I said that aspect of him wasn't sexy. VERY sexy knowing I have the smartest man in the room. He is also VERY good looking. 
The weird part about our relationship is that if he asks me for advice, he takes it and runs with it. Doesn't question it at all. Ever. Literally EVER. I bought our house sight unseen by him (the inside), he just trusted me. I got the financing and he never looked over the paperwork. He showed up at the closing and we signed the paperwork. He loves this house. 

So I am "awesome" enough to listen to in business decisions but not enough to stay on the phone with talking emotions? I don't get it. I am beginning to think he views me as his business partner. I don't think he means that though. He has told me in no uncertain terms that if him and I ever divorced, he would never want another partner. Huh? You are doing the best to push the partner you already have who loves out of your life.

In all seriousness, I often wonder if he has Aspergers. High IQ and lacks ability to relate to people.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> True, loaded question. However, if I am so awesome, why the little to no interaction?


Others here have offered some good and different perspectives. And then there's mine  .....all I'm saying is, try not to assume the worst from him, try not to let your anger and resentment take over. I'm not suggesting your feelings aren't valid though! 

If I was in your shoes, when he returns and after you've heard about his trip and he's settled back in, I'd calmly ask why he doesn't speak to you much when he's away. Ask him why there's a lack of communication (and you'll need to express your hurt with this). Be prepared to listen openly. There's a chance he doesn't even realize he's doing it or that it's important to you. He's not meeting your needs and I'd like to give the benefit of the doubt (as a stranger on the interwebz) that he needs to hear from you what you need. I agree with a previous poster that it could be that he finds you to be a strong woman and perhaps thinks you don't need much attention/communication from him in that way. 

Of course there is the chance he's not considering you and being a jerk. I think you owe it to yourself to rule out 'benefit of the doubt' option first.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Asberger's could be it. Bill Gates is like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> The weird part about our relationship is that if he asks me for advice, he takes it and runs with it. Doesn't question it at all. Ever. Literally EVER. I bought our house sight unseen by him (the inside), he just trusted me. I got the financing and he never looked over the paperwork. He showed up at the closing and we signed the paperwork. He loves this house.
> 
> So I am "awesome" enough to listen to in business decisions but not enough to stay on the phone with talking emotions? I don't get it.


Maybe he doesn't know how to express and be open emotionally (and to receive that too). He obviously thinks highly of you and has respect for you based on what you just wrote. I wouldn't be surprised if you find him to be extremely sensitive deep down. Perhaps he's the type of man that commands respect in the workplace, to the point of arrogance, but has a huge heart for his family and unfortunately maybe doesn't know how to show this, or shows it in ways that you're perhaps not recognizing.

Even though he says he's a homebody I wonder if it's more the case that it's just certain scenarios/outings he's interested in, to get him out the door. It's a shame he isn't taking interest with your suggestions of activities though. 

I hope you can find more common ground and tell him how you feel about the lack of emotional contact.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> True, loaded question. However, if I am so awesome, why the little to no interaction when he is home?
> He comes home ear to ear grin from his trip talking on and on about how awesome the company he works for is, the floors he got to visit, the things he got to see, etc. He loves the excitement of it all.
> When he is home, all he wants to do is lay on the sofa and watch sci-fi crap or play on his phone. I want to go skydiving, teach him how to ski down a black diamond slope and dance the Tango with him. No interest whatsoever. He in his own words is a "homebody" and loves nothing more than to stay at home.
> 
> ...


Nope. Won't buy the Asbergers theory if he is a business leader.

To be honest, in your description, he is communicating some very big things about his love for you in guy talk. He trusts your judgement implicitly. If you like a house, then it is great to him. He's just gotten lazy in communicating in the way that you need, but it seems like he is communicating love, nonetheless.

There could be a big element that is worth considering here, though. To any casual observer, you often come across as a very strong person. Solid. In addition, if you make mothering seem easy, and still want to ski and dance, is it possible that he looks up to you? That maybe he forgets that you don't feel strong all the time? 

Regardless, someone forgot to put the most recent addition to the "Universal Man Code" in his book. Addendum 3.21, "Regarding Men and Business Travel", states that when we talk to our wives, we were always seated next to the obnoxious guy who farted on the plane, the food was always terrible, and the sheets smelled like our wife's hair, which made us too miserable with our loneliness to sleep. When describing our work day, we are supposed to say that our internet connection didn't work on Monday, we got the squirts from bad tacos on Tuesdays, yelled at by the boss on Wednesday... You get the point. I'm questioning the whole 'brilliant' thingy in your post.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> He comes home ear to ear grin from his trip *talking on and on* about how awesome the company he works for is, the floors he got to visit, the things he got to see, etc. He loves the excitement of it all.


(sorry I'm back, I keep thinking about your thread!) I'm purposely bringing forth some positives from what you have written. He likes sharing these details with you when he's back. Someone that doesn't like being around their SO won't have much inclination to chat this way. Personally I see this as a sign that he likes you. This is important.



Therealbrighteyes said:


> We do go out every Friday night to a bar/club that has a local band. He has a great time, won't dance but has a great time. For those 4 hours he is a totally different person and fun.


He likes letting his hair down and has a great time with YOU! 



Therealbrighteyes said:


> People who know me in real life say that we truly are opposites. I am the outgoing "life" of the party and he is the wallflower.


This is probably the balance that drew you to each other.



Therealbrighteyes said:


> A VERY arrogant [email protected], yet he is rarely wrong in business. He is beyond intelligent and that is why he is so arrogant. That intelligence and arrogance got us where we are today and I would be lying if I said that aspect of him wasn't sexy. VERY sexy knowing I have the smartest man in the room. He is also VERY good looking.


You're obviously in love with and admire him. Be aware, isn't arrogance also a form of insecurity? It's a defense mechanism. Based on what you have said so far, he doesn't act this way with you - in fact it sounds the complete opposite. He trusts and respects your decisions, particularly big decisions. For an arrogant, intelligent businessman, he holds you in high esteem and doesn't need to have his defenses up with you. He knows he could not find another 'partner' to equal him, especially not the way you do.

My extra .2 cents.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Brighteyes, you are similar to me in some respects so I'm going to get this out there. You seem to sway between idealizing your husband and thinking he's the worst thing in the world. Do you think it's possible that in his absence your heart is lonely and wanting attention that he doesn't understand you need?


Good insight.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Bright Eyes. Dear Lady. This saddens me no end to hear. 

I sense that your husband loves you very much. He thinks you are awesome. He does respect you. He enjoys being around you. It is very much like a guy to tell his son to give mommy a hug for me. Yes, he is f'ing up. I am thinking he does not realize this. Obviously I do not know him so this is just a projection from the things you have said before.

Hoping you guys can figure this out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

It seems to me he is getting his emotional needs met through his job and not through his marriage. That truly works against you I am sorry to say. He is also not trying to meet your emotional needs. This could be he is ignorant of them, or does not care about doing it because he does not get his needs met by you. It's very important for you to figure out what the case is.

On the side of ignorance, I will say I did a very poor job of meeting my wife's emotional needs for years. The way you describe your husband was me. And I was doing the wrong things not because I didn't love her. In fact, I thought I was meeting her needs because I had a good job and we had a nice house and all that. To this day my wife does not believe that through all the time I was doing a poor job of meeting her needs, that I loved her dearly. So truly there is hope that your husband has love in his heart that you don't feel coming at you. He could be ignorant, as i was, of how to show it to you.

But, as a male, I am telling you it is a big mistake for you to hold out silent hope that one day he will just "get it". I agree with you he "shoud" be waking up and being a better husband and meeting your emotional needs. But, based on what you describe, I don't think he will until you directly tell him what it is you need from him, the fact that you don't feel loved by him, that his job and the finances are not meaningful to you, and what is at stake if he continues to operate selifsihly. I would even consider giving him a copy of a book like the "5 love Languages" and underline the parts that are important to you. 

Hope this helps.


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