# How to act while still living at "home"...



## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

So I've always heard: "Don't move out!" until you have a temp order. Uncomfortable, but fair enough...

In my case, I have a highly combative, manipulative "wife" who threatens to "tell the kids who i really am", etc... How do you live in a house with someone like this? I've heard it helps to stay for custody, etc... but can I not talk to her? Can i largely ignore her except for kid related issues? I'm petrified of living in such a high stress environment. Not that it's rainbows and puppies NOW but it will be worse when she's served.


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

act normal. don't engage if she's looking to escalate tensions. carry a voice activated recorder with you at all times.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Do what your attorney says to do.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Disengage from her as much as possible. Do not get sucked into pointless/foolish discussions or arguments. 
Read The Emotionally Destructive Marriage, by Leslie Vernick. This is usually for people who are trying to make it work, but it should give you some insight into how to behave and survive during this time. Here's a link: Amazon.com: The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope (Audible Audio Edition): Leslie Vernick, Leslie Vernick, christianaudio.com: Audible Books & Originals


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## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

OverRipeMind said:


> So I've always heard: "Don't move out!" until you have a temp order. Uncomfortable, but fair enough...
> 
> In my case, I have a highly combative, manipulative "wife" who threatens to "tell the kids who i really am", etc... How do you live in a house with someone like this? I've heard it helps to stay for custody, etc... but can I not talk to her? Can i largely ignore her except for kid related issues? I'm petrified of living in such a high stress environment. Not that it's rainbows and puppies NOW but it will be worse when she's served.


I agree with the recommendation of keeping a VAR on you at all times when you're with her. She may try and set you up for a domestic violence charge to get you tossed in jail and outta the house, a restraining order filed, and to be able to use it against you when it comes to custody and divorce. 

Don't ever think it can't happen to you or "your wife" wouldn't do that. There's post after post on this and other boards that prove it does happen and the spouses who ignored the warnings wish they hadn't. You can get a good quality Sony VAR (voice activated recorder) for around $60-$80 at Best Buy or Walmart.

Contact your lawyer and ask about parental alienation and tell him she's threatening to turn your children against you. Document all threats and intimidation tactics by her! This is NOT ok and is highly frowned upon by the courts. Having written accounts you can present will work in your favour.

And yes, you can and should ignore her and shouldn't engage in conversation with her unless absolutely necessary and only about the kids. Always have that VAR in play!

Look up "the 180". Also look up "grey rock" and be prepared to use that. If your wife is as manipulative and toxic as you say you're probably gonna need to grey rock her after you serve her. 

And once more for good measure.. GET THAT VAR ASAP!!!!!!!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

You act aloof but polite, and completely emotionally non-reactive. 
If she wants to fight/argue, disengage and go do something else or remove yourself. Go by yourself or take the kids out for ice cream (or whatever) and she’s not invited.

And get the VAR as others said.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

NorthernGirl said:


> I agree with the recommendation of keeping a VAR on you at all times when you're with her. She may try and set you up for a domestic violence charge to get you tossed in jail and outta the house, a restraining order filed, and to be able to use it against you when it comes to custody and divorce.
> 
> Don't ever think it can't happen to you or "your wife" wouldn't do that. There's post after post on this and other boards that prove it does happen and the spouses who ignored the warnings wish they hadn't. You can get a good quality Sony VAR (voice activated recorder) for around $60-$80 at Best Buy or Walmart.
> 
> ...



i keep meticulous notes. i have for 9 years. every time she yells at me, the kids, etc... i write down the conversation. have recorded her a few times but i got caught. my lawyer has said courts don't love secret recordings anyway, they would just transcribe them. so i have tons of timestamped notes. think thats good enough?


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## Zedd (Jul 27, 2021)

OverRipeMind said:


> think thats good enough?


No. It won't protect you from false claims. You're not recording for any reason other than to protect yourself. It doesn't need to be a secret. It's honestly better if she KNOWS you're doing it. It'll modify her behavior and make her think twice too.


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## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

OverRipeMind said:


> i keep meticulous notes. i have for 9 years. every time she yells at me, the kids, etc... i write down the conversation. have recorded her a few times but i got caught. my lawyer has said courts don't love secret recordings anyway, they would just transcribe them. so i have tons of timestamped notes. think thats good enough?


What @Zedd said, you can write anything you like in notes.
You need recordings as evidence, I'd put a video camera in the lounge, hallway and kitchen.
When anything kicks off, immediately move in front of a camera.
No need for secret recordings, let her know it's happening.

There is no limit to the false accusations some women are prepared to make.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

thanks guys. yeah, i've told her i'm recording in the past to try and temper her anger and she just goes off on the most negative, embarrassing stuff about me to get it on tape. but yeah, i will record and not tell her. thank you!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OverRipeMind said:


> i keep meticulous notes. i have for 9 years. every time she yells at me, the kids, etc... i write down the conversation. have recorded her a few times but i got caught. my lawyer has said courts don't love secret recordings anyway, they would just transcribe them. so i have tons of timestamped notes. think thats good enough?


Look up recording laws in your state -- you may be in a one-party consent state. If TWO party, you can't use those recordings for anything "legal" related so be careful.

As for her telling your kids the "real" you -- YOU can talk to them first. TELL them that their Mom is very angry and has been saying she would tell them bad things about you. They should not believe her.


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## 351235 (Sep 9, 2021)

i have already had to have a conversation like that. my daughter sees how she is. she knows. 

as my daughter said: "i mean, i guess if you killed someone i'd think differently, but what could she say?"

"i don't know, i just want you to know if it doesn't sound like me, it's probably not"


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