# narcissism



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Although he has never been clinically diagnosed as such, I do fully believe my ex husband to be a narcissist. From all the reading I have done on narcissism, there should be a picture of my ex as the poster boy for the disorder. My ex was very controlling, manipulating, verbally and mentally abusive. While he was never physically abusive with me, I do believe he was fully capable of being physically abusive. In fact, I have told friends and family that if anything were to ever to happen to me, make him your first suspect.

Anyways, I found this great article on narcissism and wanted to share it here. I did not write this, the author didnt say their name either but it is a good piece on how narcissist behave. If you believe your spouse to be a narcissist, you need to read this.

"Hello everyone, 

I wanted to post on the subject of controlling, manipulative, emotionally and physically abusive partners, who come to be that way as a result of narcissistic personality disorder - NPD. 

Please share your experiences if you had any, with such people and how you have maybe overcome the patterns of emotional bullying that the narcissist creates in the relationship. 

Narcisssists are great actors and know what they are doing from day one. Appearing on the surface as the ideal person, on the inside they are the extreme opposites of the image they portray and guard so hard. They will shine with confidence and charm, they will shower you with affection and gifts, and will convince you they are your soulmate. The truth will hurt, but their actual feeling of inferiority and inadequecy is what drives this grand persona they are putting on. THIS IS NOT THE REAL THEM.

First off, the narcissist will never ever admit they may have a problem, they will in fact turn everything around and make everything about you and your downfalls. There will be a lot blame, finger pointing, controlling, and manipulating you into believing your are nothing and they are in fact, the best you could ever possibly have. On the inside they feel this is not the case, but they need to convince you and they are very good at that. Once the point comes in the relationship where their partner shows signs of catching on to their act, stand up for themselves when verbally abused ( narcissistic partner WILL be abusive, emoionally, verbally, physically) or basically deviate in any way from their plans of having "the ideal relationship" (perfection exists in their mind, because they want to be "perfect" in their mind) they will disregard you in every way possible, crush your self-esteem, because after all, you are no longer living up to their expectations. Once they set the plan to knock you down to "punish" you for your unacceptable in their eyes behavior, you wont know what struck you. By this time you may be madly in love with the "perfect" side of them, which is a carefully mastered act and you cant let go of the fight for that. 

A narcissist, will talk about themselves very highly, will spend unreasonably long amounts of time in front of the mirror, they will compliment... THEMSELVES and will crave attention at all cost, they need to know they are wanted and desired, they need to be pampered and treated like the superior one ALWAYS. If in the beginning they are showering you with love and affection, it is to lure you into their zone so that they can easily manipulate you and throw it in your face as to how nice they once were and how badly you treat them now, that they have to be so mean back...There will not be room for you and your needs in this kind of relationships, this is a relationship with someone who has NO ABILITY TO FEEL REAL TRUE EMOTION, EVEN IF THEY CLAIM TO LOVE YOU WITH ALL THEIR MIGHT -- IT IS NOT THE CASE -- THEY ARE INCAPABLE OF THIS.

A narcissist WILL repeatedly threaten you with abandonment if they see you are not "behaving" this is their most common tool of manipulation they use in a relationship, when they start to feel their game is not being played by their rules. They need to be chased and wanted - this feeds their need for glory, attention and approval of others.

A narcissist will never recognize your efforts to please them or treat them nicely, it is important to decode this in the beginning of the relationship. They will appear kind and gracious but in fact it is what they know is expected, once they feel they have given enough signs of what is expected, they will then show complete disregard for your efforts and your emotions.

A narcissist will appear like an entirely different person to others, outside of the relationship. They are liked and respected and considered great catches. The real person is abusive, highly dissatisfied, negative, NOT CAPABLE of love although they work very hard to appear this way. Their empty eyes are proof of this. 

If you do not agree with the narcissist, you simply do not exist - they are extremely self-involved and are not capable of feeling empathy and are not able to take your perspective on any situation. "If you dare to disagree - you will pay" ( I am quoting a narcissist in my life) On the other hand if you make your life about them and their needs and submit completely to their control, you will also seize to exist eventually, because they will remove your sense of self worth by draining you of all your strength and energy resources.

These people are ill and need help, yet they will NEVER accept this, although they know there is something wrong with them. It is simply too much for them to even comprehend that they may have a problem that needs professional attention. You can not convince them of this, you are risking being abused further, and worse, harmed physically. You can not help them or change them, you need to RUN. In fact, once you try to address it, you will enrage the narcissist to the point of uncontrollable anger, this may become dangerous. Psychiatric evaluation is the only way for them to be diagnosed.

Please be safe, recognize that people with these types of personality disorders are everywhere, and that there are signs that can help you spot them early enough. When you do see these signs --- please take yourselves out of the situation to avoid serious reprocussions on your emotional, physical and mental health.

* all the info I shared is summarized through my personal experience AND through extensive research I have done in order to come to terms with what has happened to me. Hope it helps someone else out there!"

~ narcissist survivor


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## terrified (Jul 26, 2011)

I am going to be honest before I reply, I didn't read the entire post. Just parts. My mind is mush, I can't read that much all at once.

Just wanted to say. My best friend is a narcissist. He is also insanely beautiful which only helped him create his horrible world. Because I had a back seat and unobstructed view of him and his life I have a very unique perspective. I know all of his dirty secrets. I was the only person whom he trusted entirely and because of that, I know all the truths........ALL of them, even the ones I wish I didn't. (It would helpful to mention that he is in jail. His narcissism ruined his life, his super successful career and his relationships with his family).

I was privy to his psychological and legal files. Notes, conversations, comments, and insights into his behaviour, reasoning, insecurities......everything. It really helped me understand people better in general. 

If there is anyone dealing with a true to goodness narcissist, I might be of some help.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

This is very much my ex husband. Where for 15 yrs, I believed I was the problem. I was the one who was always wrong and I was so lucky to have someone as wonderful as him. My ex always spoke very highly of himself and about himself. He spoke highly of himself to me, our children, his friends, his co-workers, to anyone. He had to be in control of everything. But when he spoke about me to others, it was not good. I was always causing problems, I poorly handled the finances (even though he fully controlled the money coming in. I never had access to bank accounts or cc's at all. The only cash I ever had was when he gave me $200 every 2 weeks to buy groceries and put gas in the car. I had nothing more. If I needed more, I had to very cautiously ask him for more as he would get upset with me for spending all 'his' money and I would get yelled at for spending too much money and not leaving him enough money to do things.) He painted me to be such a bad wife. So much so that I believed him. I was so ashamed of myself. I hated myself. My self esteem was at rock bottom. I never understood why I was a bad wife, I only knew that I was. He knew how to control me. He would tell me everyday he loved me and why I was lucky to have him. He wouldnt do things for me, and if he ever did, I had to do something for him in return. For example, if I wanted some new shelves hung up, he would get a blow job later for his work. Actually, he would insist on the BJ first and then a few days later he would put up the shelves. (Sorry if that's TMI but thats how it was).In all our yrs together, he never once brought me a Christmas present or a birthday present. I'm not exaggerrating on that. He never did. I brought him something every time. His reason was that he either was too busy with work and couldnt get out or that he would buy me a present except that I spent all 'his' money and he didnt have any to buy me something. And I accepted it as such. 
It's the more I learn about narcissism and narcissistic behaviors the more I realize that is him. I never considered myself an abused spouse before b/c he never physically hurt me but now I do realize I am an abuse survivor, and I am very happy to finally be free of him.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

I am glad to see this post.

I was in a relationship with ex for 9 years and in the beginning it was pure magic! I loved sincerely and too deeply. I didn't know at the time that it was a grand illusion. It was me I was seeing not him, I was being mirrored back.

Then things started falling apart and I now realize it was because I was literally drained and had no more energy for the relationship (9 years) because I was going through a bad patch. Did he stand by me when I stood by him? No. I was in such a fog that I didn't even see the devaluation that was going on.

Weird things started happening. I had 3 encounters with poisonous snakes in the most unlikely places. My tires were completely bald and he knew this (since he would put air in them), it was so bad my car shook when I drove it. When my brother noticed, all of a sudden I got new tires. Things I had put down would suddenly disappear and then re-appear.

Then he seduced a woman, who has been married for 45 years and dumped me. You see, he had to line up the next victim before he could dump me. When I found out, I filed for divorce and was divorced in 2 months, moved into a new apt and am starting a new career. I have gone no contact for 18 days and it is hard.

For me, it is a pure addiction. Even with all of the self help, therapy, friends; I still think about him. Last night I thought of him with the OW and it was painful. I know it has only been 1 month of physical separation (actually 3 weeks) but I wish it could have been different. It is very painful to know that I was never loved but used for what he could suck from me.

There are web sites out there that may help. The only real help is time. Ex left me with very little self esteem and confidence. He took everything including the money I earned (I have nothing from the years of working). The only thing that pulled me through was faith in a Higher Power and determination.

Sadly, I know I still love in spite of the mental cruelty.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Just another fancy word for selfish, just like my ex-wife.


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## jenis (Feb 9, 2011)

Narcissism, or tendencies of what we think of as narcissistic behaviors (it's extremely broad), can be a moving target and can develop and be conditioned over time. When and if the person effected recognizes certain behaviors as a problem and desires change, treatment becomes possible. Huge if's, I know, and I don't want to offer anyone a sense of false hope. This stuff deals with the 'core beliefs' of a person, and is extremely difficult to get at, even if a person recognizes it as a problem.

Early in the year I was diagnosed with a sexual addiction, which I learned has narcissistic traits at its root. In my case it developed slowly over what was probably the last half of our marriage (of 20+ years). It took us to the brink of destruction, and without my very precious H allowing me the time to seek all sorts of professional help we wouldn't have lasted.

It took the help of psychologist to diagnose and help guide me through this. Initially I was given medication (SSRI's), but the greatest benefit are the regular visits to my therapist and now less intensive MC (like couples retreats). Things are soooo much better now, maybe better than they've ever been with some aspects of out marriage, but realize this will be a long term battle.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

morituri said:


> *Just another fancy word for selfish*, just like my ex-wife.


No, not even close. 

Anyone heard of that show "Who the bleep did I marry?" A friend of mine linked me to it...I haven't posted on here in quite some time, but for the past month I have been finding things out about my stbxh that I never wanted to know. Double and triple lives, if not more...craziest sh!t I have ever heard, and I NEVER suspected ANYTHING of the sort.

I will post my story sometime, but at the moment, 1) it's not yet complete, and 2) I am just too tired of having to think about it all the time to want to conjure it all up.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I'll let you in on a not so secret.....woman are often attracted to narcissists.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I dated 2 narcissists, back to back. That was a whirlwind experience. They were best friends. lol.

I will say that the first one was the ********* narcissist. The second was the passionate narcissist. Both were toxic, but the 2nd one....wow.  Just wow.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Narcissists (from my understanding of what Ive read so far) are very selfish people but it goes way deeper than just selfish behavior. The difference is that they feel no guilt over hurting people. Anybody can and will act selfishly but the rest of us will eventually come to realize what we did was wrong and we will feel guilt and will do our best to make amends for that wrong because we feel bad. A narcissist does not feel bad---ever. They are incapable of love. It's a game of control to them. I got sucked in very hard by a narcissist. It's really, really, really hard on me knowing that I spent the past 15 yrs loving a man who never at all in any way, loved me. Do you know what an idiot I feel like?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Locard said:


> I'll let you in on a not so secret.....woman are often attracted to narcissists.


I would have to agree to this but it's more that a narc knows how to use their words to attract a woman. They know the right things to say. They are oh so charming. They will sweep a woman off her feet with gifts and flowers and giving attention. They will say what she wants to hear, no matter how outrageous it would be. Like my ex husband told his ow that he would get his vasectomy reversed so they could have a baby together.--yeah, right, I knew that wouldnt happen--but it was what he knew she wanted to hear.

Far as women being attracted to a narc, you can't recognize one by just looking at them. It takes time to see who they are. And often women cant see the man for the narc he really is because by then he has her believing she is the problem. It took me 15 yrs. Women just dont look at a guy and say "Oh, a narc! I want him so bad." But many women are vulnerable and can easily be sucked in by a man's charming ways. A vulnerbale women the perfect prey for a narc.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Ive been spending most of my afternoon reading online articles on narcissism and how a person who is a narc behaves, acts and thinks. It's really tearing me up inside that all the years I spent married to this man, he never loved me. It's really hard learning that I never mattered to him. It's really hard knowing that the only reason he ever kept me was because of the need to have control and power over someone.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> Ive been spending most of my afternoon reading online articles on narcissism and how a person who is a narc behaves, acts and thinks. It's really tearing me up inside that all the years I spent married to this man, he never loved me. It's really hard learning that I never mattered to him. It's really hard knowing that the only reason he ever kept me was because of the need to have control and power over someone.


Yea, I realized that when I left my older daughter's father. It was hard to deal with for a while, but now I see him for the broken man he is.


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