# Have I been conned by my husband?



## connedandheartbroken (Jun 1, 2012)

I moved from one province to another and was extremely vulnerable when I got here. I posted a profile on an onlite dating site, but it was mostly to meet friends. I just got out of a very difficult and abusive marriage and wanted to start by getting rid of any memories around me.

A man saw my profle and for about 4 months we've been chatting on phone. I finally got my stuff and moved, where he found me a place to stay for 3 months until I could find one of my own. So , I'm very vulnerable at this point, he knows I have a lot of money, and at first he said all the right things, did all the right things, such as, always paying for things, knowing just what to say to make me feel better about myself, telling me he isn't interested in my money at all and doesn't ever want me to pay for anything.

Well, a few months later he lost his job, and hasn't had one since. I had enough money that neither of us had to work. He claimed he was trying to find work because he is too pride to take money from me. By this point I'm so madly in love with him because he treated me like a queen. He has had a checkered past in his twenties and admitted to going to prison, but has changed his life around and I respected the fact that he did, what appearted to be, changed his life around. I don't want to say what he was in prison for in case this post may be recognized, but it had nothing to do with fraud. 

So, things are moving very fast, we're seeing each other every day and night, he introduces me to his family, etc. Before the 3 months lease was up, he told me how he hated living where he was because it was with family, and he kept complaining of his living conditions. He never once asked me to move in with him, but after hearing how unhappy he was where he was living, I suggested that maybe we could get a place together. FIRST MISTAKE. He wasn't keen on the idea because he said he didn't the money to pay for the rent, and I told him it was ok, that I would cover it and it would only be termporary becaues I intended on buying a house. 

Two months into living together, he proposed to me, and I was floored, but so in love with him that I couldn't see reality if it kicked me in the head.

He has never asked me for anything but had a way of approaching things, that would make it seem like I was insisting that he take this or that. Well, I decided that we would invest in a business , and after buying him a few very expensive things like a harly, a 100,00 car, paying the rent for 3000 a month, without any income coming in, because I was independantly wealty and always had investments that made me more money. He was against buying a house and instead convinced me that we should be investing in a business and enjoying life. he promised me the world. Well, one thing lead to another, and I gave him my banking access. SECOND BIG MISTAKE.

When he propsed to me, I had money, and then when it came time to get married, he told me he didn't feel it was the right time, because at this point, most if not all of my money was gone, and to this day I dont know where it went. We had an argument and I accused him of only wanting m e for my money because he's been broke his entire life.. He through it back at me saying that he was hurt that I would ever think that and that he loved me more than anthing. He did things to show me that he loved me, so my head said , yes he does, but my gut feeling said something was wrong and not quite as it seemed.

Well, as the months went on, and my money was gone now, he started to do things to pick fights with me, he did everything possible to force me to leave him, but I stuck in there becaues I needed to know if he was going to leave me now that the money was gone. i needed him to make the first move. He wouldn't, and things just got worst and worst. He was using gaslighting techniques on me , saying and doing things that made me feel like I was loosing my memory or just making me think I was crazy. He ended up beating me up one day and was arrested. I begged the prosecector to drop the charges because he got a message to me that he loved me more than anything and he was so sorry. I managed to get the charges dropped and he came back home, where things started to look better and he acted like he was so ashamed of what he did. then about a month or two, it went back to the same thing, he did every possible thing he could think of to make me leave him. Well, I wouldn't because I needed to know that he is going to admit that this was all about money, and since his family has always loved me, and he's always had this co=dependent relationship with them, he was always trying to please his dad, and he knew if he left me, that they would really be on his case because they've told me over and over, that I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. It wasn't an option for him to be the first one to leave.

So, after the restraining order was dropped, he was still living at his dads, and proposed that he come here on the weekends to see if we would get along. This has happened now for 6 months, and just a month ago, he said he really loved me and wanted to come back. We were just waiting for his son to finish off the school year. Just last week, we were talking about our future, and then last week, I get the bomb dropped on me. He told me he found a place for him and his son and he wished me well, but that things weren't working??? All he did for six months was talk about our future, we even had goals set, and now while he's sleeping in the same bed as me and telling me how much he loves me and can't wait to renew our vows, behind my back, he's looking for a place to live, and telling his family all sorts of lies about me (which I recently found out) , They were just horrible lies and I was stunned. By living at his dads, he was able to convince them little by little that I was crazy, and said all sorts of things, like I cheated on him, etc. None of this was true, not one single thing. I have been loyal, suppportive, patient and faithful because I am still very much in love with him. Because of him, I lost my money, my own family, basically everything I had left in the world. When my kids and family found out that I was marrying him , they immediately stopped all contact with me and told me he was using me. I was too in love to see what was going on and and extremely vulnerable as well. i'm not a stupid person. I have a masters degee in Nursing and an associated degree in psychology, yet , I couldn't see that I was being gaslit, even though I'm an expert at this sort of thing, because my emotions were too deeply involved.

When he dropped the bomb on me that he got a place, I was stunned and he started to say that he told me, and that he doesn't understand what the problem was. He insists that he told me this a month ago, and I'm sure it was something I would have known. Had he said something to me, I wouldn't allowed him to spend weekends here, because the reasons that he spent the weekends here was to get closer to me and we talked about how we would recover financially once his son finishes the school year. I didn't see this coming, yet he rolls his eyes and calls me crazy insisting that " HOW COULDN'T I KNOW". 

Now I'm so devasted. He says he loves me , but he's a broken person and needs to continue with counselling so that he could fix himself. I asked him to go to marriage counselling because I have no idea what has just happeend the last two years. We never argued, we had a good time , and it was only when the money started to disappear, that he would get into these foul moods, and would take it out on me by saying very hurtful things. I still held on and didn't fight with him because I still had faith that things would turn around.

How could I be so crazy? Does anybody know what signs I've missed here other than the obvious ones I've mentioned. I've been conned, and not only am I hearbroken , but I'm a heartbroken fool. He refuses to go to any counselling and still insists he loves me and he's going to get stronger and at that point he wants to try again. I'm not willing to wait and think this is just another lie so that I don't go completely insane with hurt. I feel if he loved me, he would at least go to marriage counselling. 

Help me figure this out and any comments would be appreciated. I don't know if there were any other signs and I still don't know because I still love him very much and my emotions are preventing me from being rational.

I apologize for any spelling errors, but I'm crying as I'm writing this


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yes, you made some really bad mistakes and some poor choices.

But at least you've realized it now.

It's okay to cry and okay to grieve -- you were giving with a full heart. But honestly, from what you have said here, I don't think you need to give him any more time or effort. Chalk this one up to life experience.

And while I'm sure many people are released from prison and go on to live positive and productive lives, I generally wouldn't advise getting involved with anyone who has been to prison unless you meet them in another setting (thru friends or family) and unless you have some pretty powerful indications that they have turned their lives around. But that's just me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I stopped reading at him beating you up and getting arrested.

Why do you love him? What is love to you? Getting beat up?

Turn around and run in the opposite direction. Save yourself from all of this nonsense.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

You were played. Sorry!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

True, Posse... I was trying to sugarcoat it, but you were more direct!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

People who were in prison learn how to be even more conniving than they were when they got there. They have to in order to survive the sentence. It's also useful for when they get out because they are starting their life over again with nothing. 

The easiest targets are single, desperate women with means. It happens all the time.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

You put a lot at risk to be with him, your family & your financial security so I can understand that you are grabbing at straws to salvage the marriage even though the signs are all pointing to RUN! 

I am sorry to say this, but you should seriously consider moving on and (very expensive) lesson learned. Get back to a nursing job, get back on your feet & see if you can repair your relationship with your family. I would suggest individual counseling just so you can come to terms with why you feel the need to have a man in your life at any cost it seems?


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

Yup, I agree with Posse. 

It's horrible that you went through something like this, but now you know. Oh, and go on a man-ban. No men at all until you fully recuperate. Probably a year or two.

You can do this! I, unfortunetly, know a couple of women who went through this and they are now doing much better and feel much better about themselves as well.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

Perhaps a forensic accountant could determine if your money was diverted elsewhere by your hopefully STBXH rather than spent.

Not knowing the specifics of your finances or having a strong knowledge of Canadian law, I would suggest that you look into whether or not there is some recourse you can take, be it civil or criminal. If the money were diverted to another account, maybe you could recover some of it.

What a horrible situation for you, dear.


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## Mags8 (Jul 13, 2015)

Hi, I had an almost identical situation to you. I married someone who duped me into selling my house initially for a business he said we were going to start together, and I too allowed him access to cash after he left the Army and was between work. He emptied the bank of the left-overs from the house profit. The bulk of my money just seemed to get gradually depleted and I too cannot really explain where it went. I know exactly how you feel and I beat myself up all the time for believing his every word and ignoring my gut instincts. Strangely I was halfway through a nursing degree when I met him. Just like me you encountered a sociopath and they can sniff out soft-hearted people from miles away. I am 4 years down the road now from him leaving me for another woman when all my money had been depleted, and I was up to my neck in debt with nowhere to live. I have not found the inclination to seek another relationship again. I am sorry to tell you it is a very long road to recovery but having lost my father to cancer and the accidental death of a person I really loved for many years before I met this horrible sociopath makes me wonder why I am even giving space in my head to any of this whole horrible experience, when I have such wonderful memories of lost ones instead.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

Mags8 said:


> Hi, I had an almost identical situation to you. I married someone who duped me into selling my house initially for a business he said we were going to start together, and I too allowed him access to cash after he left the Army and was between work. He emptied the bank of the left-overs from the house profit. The bulk of my money just seemed to get gradually depleted and I too cannot really explain where it went. I know exactly how you feel and I beat myself up all the time for believing his every word and ignoring my gut instincts. Strangely I was halfway through a nursing degree when I met him. Just like me you encountered a sociopath and they can sniff out soft-hearted people from miles away. I am 4 years down the road now from him leaving me for another woman when all my money had been depleted, and I was up to my neck in debt with nowhere to live. I have not found the inclination to seek another relationship again. I am sorry to tell you it is a very long road to recovery but having lost my father to cancer and the accidental death of a person I really loved for many years before I met this horrible sociopath makes me wonder why I am even giving space in my head to any of this whole horrible experience, when I have such wonderful memories of lost ones instead.



This is a Zombie thread from 2012, if you want help or responses start a new thread.


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