# Chumplady: Living with Uncertainty After Infidelity



## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Living with Uncertainty After Infidelity

October 15, 2015 by Chump Lady

I remember once upon a time when my life was going to Hell, a friend wrote me a cheer up email and ended it with a quote from Bob Dylan — “I embrace the chaos.”

I laughed. When you’re in a free fall, you’re going to go splat on the pavement whether you “embrace” it or not. Really, when life is ****, it feels more like chaos is trying to embrace YOU than the other way around. But I loved the quote. The lunacy and the hubris of it — Hey Chaos! I not only accept you — I EMBRACE you! Bring it on!

There is a real peace that comes from understanding that you can’t control everything. As we say a lot here at Chump Lady — you only get to control you. And let’s face it, most of us aren’t even very good at that.

I’m a big believer in acceptance. Manage what you can, let go of the rest, and the wisdom to know the difference. So, I get rather puzzled when people criticize this site for being “black and white” or intolerant of “uncertainty.”

Sure, I believe there are some moral absolutes, I’ll cop to that. But I’m neither tolerant or intolerant of uncertainty. You may as well say I’m intolerant of gravity. Chaos is a force of nature. To live is to be uncertain — unless you’re Donald Trump or that Long Island psychic.

Chaos has an element of creativity as well (which is probably what Dylan meant). From the mess comes reinvention, recreation. I believe my life is a testament to that.



(read the rest here)


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I love this line:

"The difference is we have a choice — not to live without uncertainty — but to live without a cheater. THAT cheater. The one who cheated on us — not some abstract cheater in our futures."

I am not a spackle-kind-of-gal!


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Yeah, I liked that quote a lot too; that's what stood out for me from the whole article. I've lived with uncertainty for 7 years, so I think I've got that down.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I wish Chump Lady still posted here. 

As for living with uncertainty, I did that for 30 years after my husband's affair. Now he's my ex-husband and I no longer have any uncertainty. Problem solved.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Openminded said:


> I wish Chump Lady still posted here.
> 
> As for living with uncertainty, I did that for 30 years after my husband's affair. Now he's my ex-husband and I no longer have any uncertainty. Problem solved.


More BSs need to read Chumplady - her site is fantastic....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> I love this line:
> 
> "The difference is we have a choice — not to live without uncertainty — but to live without a cheater. THAT cheater. The one who cheated on us — not some abstract cheater in our futures."
> 
> I am not a spackle-kind-of-gal!


She does have a way of phrasing things - doesn't she? She ruffles feathers - which means she is doing something right lol


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

TeddieG said:


> Yeah, I liked that quote a lot too; that's what stood out for me from the whole article. I've lived with uncertainty for 7 years, so I think I've got that down.


I'm glad the article helped you a bit....


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> More BSs need to read Chumplady - her site is fantastic....


Well, I'm not sure that her one cure fixes all marriage problems would go down well here. We are a bit more nuanced and a bit more in touch with the real world.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sidney2718 said:


> Well, I'm not sure that her one cure fixes all marriage problems would go down well here. We are a bit more nuanced and a bit more in touch with the real world.


One person's view, and not entirely a nuanced response. Not everyone can or should reconcile with a cheater, precisely because everyone of us is different.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> One person's view, and not entirely a nuanced response. Not everyone can or should reconcile with a cheater, precisely because everyone of us is different.


Some people like her some people dont - i get it she is not for everyone - I do know a lot of people find her helpful even if she is not nuanced enough for some amazing minds...


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> One person's view, and not entirely a nuanced response. Not everyone can or should reconcile with a cheater, precisely because everyone of us is different.


Well of course. But Chumpy's view seems to be that one should NEVER reconcile with the cheater. They have to be divorced fast.

Easy advice to give, and wrong a serious number of times.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think her advice is sound and certainly a point of view that many betrayed need to hear. Heeding that advice is up to them, but they need to hear that point of view. It counters all the "put it behind you" nonsense.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I think her advice is sound and certainly a point of view that many betrayed need to hear. Heeding that advice is up to them, but they need to hear that point of view. It counters all the "put it behind you" nonsense.


It is a valuable point of view - it shows the BS they have a choice and life will be fine without their unfaithful spouse. She takes no prisoners - a refreshing approach in today's "everyone gets a trophy" society....


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Wrong "a serious number of times," Sidney? I think that's a seriously wrong assessment.

Out of all the posters here who've reconciled after infidelity was discovered, wayward or the betrayed alike, how many are 100% confident they made the right choice? Whereas, how many who dropped their WS like a bad habit seem to regret doing that? 

How can anyone ever trust a WS completely again? If anyone says they do, they're lying. Most of us choose not to live with the loss of trust, especially when trust was the foundation of what we thought our marriages were, and of marriage in general.

I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a man I know at any given time could be lying to me.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Her site offers an alternative to the "keep getting crapped on by your cheater" paradigm. 

kibbles and spackle on....


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

helolover said:


> Her site offers an alternative to the "keep getting crapped on by your cheater" paradigm.
> 
> kibbles and spackle on....


Chumplady does provoke a reaction in many people who don't like her approach..I personally love it...


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> Wrong "a serious number of times," Sidney? I think that's a seriously wrong assessment.
> 
> Out of all the posters here who've reconciled after infidelity was discovered, wayward or the betrayed alike, how many are 100% confident they made the right choice? Whereas, how many who dropped their WS like a bad habit seem to regret doing that?
> 
> ...


Good for you..everyone needs to choose their own path and Cumplady provides insight for those who chose the path you did...


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