# Husband has severe PTSD and I always bear the brunt of his anger



## SophiaT (Dec 5, 2021)

This is my first post here. I am stuck in a situation that I know I should leave for my own mental health, but there is a dilemma. 
My husband is a disabled veteran (bad back injury and received bad fusion surgery). He is functioning well physically other than that he can't run long distance and his back hurts standing too long or moving heavy stuff. But that's fine. That's not the problem of the marriage. In general, he is a very loving, gentle, and empathetic person who does all he can for the household (we were planning to have kids). Responsible and dedicated. However, he had a tough childhood (his mother abused and abandoned him) and suffered a lot in war. He has been in therapy for many years. The shadow of his injured self only comes out when we are in the heat of the argument. His typical behavior in argument is bombarding me with text messages, blaming everything on me, saying very hurtful words to get reaction out of me. He told friends and family I am a narcissist (this happened recently). He used to talk to his sister, calling me a ***** and evil when we were having a row. I was detained by police last year once (only once in my life) after I slapped him when he was yelling to my face and wouldn't allow me to get out of the house to escape his verbal attacks. He blocked the doorway, swearing at me, I got very mad and slapped him. I am 105 pounds, 5'2", so I would think my slap wasn't physically damaging. He hit me right back, knocked me on the floor, and it took me several minutes to stand up. I called the police, but I forgot to tell them the part that he was blocking the door (I was heart-broken and lost my ability to put things together). So the police arrested me on the ground that I slapped him first. I had to go to court and sealed the case. I have never been violent in my life, never in my previous marriage with my late husband who passed away at 32 and who was a very calm and reasonable man. He was remorseful afterwards. He apologized a few times and I did love him, so I chose to let it go. But we set up the rules that he shouldn't badmouth about me with family and friends when we fight. He can vent and talk about what happened of course. Now, veterans with PTSD don't deal with transition well. Since we just moved to another state, his old self is coming out again. He gets unreasonable, defensive, and extremely emotional in arguments. I had to block his phone number so that I wouldn't receive thousands of texts day and night. We agreed to give each other space to calm down in arguments but he isn't doing that. Since I just moved to a new state for him without any family or friends around, and he is telling friends and family that I am a narcissist, or "I am living under her dead man's shadow", I feel like I can't live like this anymore. Even though his hurtful behavior only comes out in argument, it has made me feel exhausted due to the frequency of it. My dilemma is that I have two dogs that I love so much. Separation/divorce would mean splitting them apart. It also means that I will need to pay for pricy education bills and find a place for myself. I am just scared right now thinking about moving and adjusting. I guess I am going through the five stages of grief and need to let it go. I just want to share my story and see if anybody went through similar scenarios. This is a confusing time for me as I know normally how great a guy he is. Thanks for reading my post.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

SophiaT said:


> I am stuck in a situation that I know I should leave for my own mental health, but there is a dilemma.


No, you are not "stuck". Nor is there any "dilemma". If you continue to stay with him, the violence will escalate. You should leave for your PHYSICAL health.



SophiaT said:


> I feel like I can't live like this anymore.


You are correct. And, who diagnosed him with PTSD ? He sounds like a plain old ABUSER to me. I'm afraid when you try to separate from him, his violence toward you will reach an all-time high. The abused become abusers.



SophiaT said:


> his hurtful behavior only comes out in argument


That is true of ALL abusers.

While I am thankful for his service, I think he needs serious professional help to improve his anger-management. If you live in the States, he can get that help at the local VA hospital.

My advice is this .... get away from him. The sooner, the better. Move back where you have a support group.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you do leave please take the dogs. He may get violent with them.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jesus, using your DOGS as a reason to not separate from this trainwreck of a marriage?

*SERIOUSLY?????*

It's bad enough you continually make *excuses* for his bad behavior dragging up his childhood and his PTSD - about the only excuse you HAVEN'T used to justify his crap behavior is Jupiter being in Retrograde. You can use that excuse next time, though.

After telling us all what an abusive ass-hole he is, you turn around claim he's a "great guy" but you can't leave because you don't want to separate your dogs.

Really?

It's pretty clear that you're scratching the bottom of the barrel for excuses to stay with your abuser because you *want* to be there.

OP, sadly you ceased being this guy's victim a long time ago. You are now a full-fledged *volunteer*.

*You* know it, I know it, the good people here at Talk About Marriage know it, and even my Pomeranian knows it.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Has he been tested at VA for PTSD? If not, get him properly diagnosed and into treatment. If he has PTSD it will only get worse as time goes by. VA does a good job treating this with EMDR. Look into this NOW!


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