# WAW wants to reconcile



## SARAHMCD

For those men out there that managed to reconcile with your WAW, how did you do it? What sparked you to want to? 
If your wife left for the usual reasons of feeling unappreciated and unwanted, but NO OM, how did you learn to start listening to her? How long did your reconciliation process take?

My husband and I broke up 6 weeks ago, separated for 4. He told me when I moved out that he would do everything he could to be the man he knew I needed him to be. That he had taken me for granted and absolutely was willing to try anything to get me back. To note, he suffers from anxiety/depression which he's never gotten help for other than popping some pills. So in 6 weeks the only thing he's done is go see a psychiatrist for a 1 hour session. He hasn't started the exercise program he keeps talking about (I've heard about this for years, there's always an excuse). He hasn't set up our MC (the one thing I asked him to do - note that he is very beta, I do pretty much everything in our relationship - the finances, the social life, the trip planning, meal planning, etc). When we talk and I ask him what HE wants, he just parrots backs things that Ive said I want in the relationship. He still isn't opening up. Maybe he's just that type of guy - the type who has not idea or desire to talk about his feelings?
I regret leaving without trying my own IC first and maybe convincing him to go with me (he had refused whenever I raised the issue in the past). 
I accept responsibility for my part in being non confrontational and non communicative and not trying harder, earlier. 
At this point, I've lost all sexual interest in him (and I've always had the higher sex drive) so I find that very frustrating. I need to see him step up and take charge - of his own health, of showing signs that he wants to woo me back, etc. I truly think that would resurrect my desire for him again. 
So I'm in limbo now - waiting on him. In the meantime I'm getting out more- on my own, and have lost 10 lbs in my exercise program. I'm not sure what else to do. This week if I don't hear from him I will set up my own IC. I can't wait any longer for him to come around...HELP


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## EleGirl

He seems to lack motivation. (understatement... I know)

Perhaps if you stay separated for a bit but require that he start by getting the IC and MC. He has to find a way to be motivated before he can do much of anything else.

Can you please remind me of a few things?

He has a job right? 



do you two have children?

You say that you do all the planning, bills, and so forth. Do you work outside the home?

What does he do? Does he work a job? If so how many hours a week? How is he at his job?


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## Dogbert

> I can't wait any longer for him to come around...HELP


Then don't. Remember the old saying "actions speak louder than words"? I'd suggest you take it to heart and let his actions, or lack of, be what you base your decisions on.


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## What Are My Options

Tell him the opportunity is slipping away rapidly because of no action and no motivation and lots of disappointing lip service. Talk is cheap. Tell him under no uncertain terms, that he needs to show you something immediate because you need some fuel for your hope and faith and the tank is on empty. 

I am alpha so I didn't have the issue the beta issue. Perhaps get him a copy of No More Mr. Nice Guy as a gift. Give him a week to read it as a sign he is committed to doing the work of winning you back. 

You are not attracted to him any more because he is not attractive. He needs to reignite those flames of attraction. The book should help with that if and only if he reads it. 

To answer your question, I neglected my wife for years. She told me we were in a very bad, scary place, what she needed. 

I did what I had to do which essentially is make her my priority, learn about what makes her feel loved which is acts of service and words of affirmation. I learned that from reading the love languages book, taking the test and getting to work. 

Turnarounds can be remarkable if the husband is a committed go getter and intelligent enough to grasp the seriousness of the issue. I am a problem solver and I had a big one so I solved it. 

I made it very clear to her that she can have what she wants rather often when I am naturally following my romantic instincts while pursuing her heart and stoking those flames within her.

However, I have also taught my wife telling me what she needs will result in getting it even more. She now says fin flirty things like "I need a kiss" or "give me a kiss" "Kiss me" "chop these onions" "Can you grab some bread on the way home" etc. It's loads of fun for both of us, she feels more like she has someone she can get support from on demand or request and I get to be a hero all the time. 

Of course since I am alpha, I slap down the **** tests, offer alternatives that work better for me and say no if she is taking advantage. 

Flirting, kissing, hugs, making meals together, making plans together, holding hands is vital for us to keep that warm mushy stuff going strong.


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## LongWalk

You took a big step by moving out.

Meet him for coffee.


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## SARAHMCD

Thanks for the replies. Yes, I did tell him I need to see some action on his parts and reminded him when I first left and he gave me a lot of pleading that he could do better, "whatever it took" that actions speak louder than words. I told him I did not want this to be a long drawn out reconciliation process. That we had to decide in a matter of months that we are either working on this or moving on. I wasn't waiting forever for him to take some steps. 
I will order that book for him and ask him to read it. We'll see what he does. I've sent him links to different websites(including this one) but he never mentions ever reading anything - or says he couldn't get the link to work. Yeah, ok. 
I'm not holding out much hope. But, that said, if I saw some small steps, I would still wait for him and encourage him. That window won't stay open forever though.


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## DayOne

Sorry you find yourself here. But, unfortunately you are waiting on him to change. And from what you're saying, he isn't. Ordering books, sending links, etc, isn't going to fix him. 

You can't fix him. And that's a realisation you have to face. He HAS to fix himself. The question you have to face, and answer, is what are YOU going to do? 

a) stay with the man you no longer respect.
b) wait, for a undetermined time, for him to change
c) accept that he won't (at least for now) and move on.

Your actions tell him you're still out there, that you still care. It's not an incentive for him to sort his sh*t out, as he knows you are still clinging on. He needs to know that you're gone. That you have truly left him, before he decides (or not) to wake up and repair himself, and hopefully your relationship. .


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## SARAHMCD

DayOne,
I think you are absolutely right. I am still directing him, trying to maintain control. I'm still here for him, although he gets the house to himself. When what he really needs is to miss me, realize I could be permanently gone and get his own sh** together. 
So I'm assuming I should do the following:
Get the separation financial filing done(in our state you have to be living apart a year before you can file for D)
Get our bank accounts separated
Stop seeing him at all? I've stopped emailing him. 
Start dating? Or at least let him know I'm online looking? Not sure how to approach that one since I don't want him bitter or angry or to really hurt him. We still have to get our finances sorted 
I'm already starting to go out more with meetup groups, and friends (which I've let him know about).


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## Affaircare

SARAHMCD, 

I'm going to make an assumption: I am going to assume that if you REALLY want something, even if it's inconvenient, you will get off your backside and figure out a way to do it. 

As an example, if I had $1000 free cash money to give you with absolutely no strings attached whatsoever--but the one catch was that you had to figure out a way to pick up the money and/or deliver it to you...HOW LONG WOULD IT TAKE YOU TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO THAT? Imagine I have it sitting right here--$1000 dollars in cash sitting on my desk--and you can have it, but I want you to arrange some way to pick it up at my house and deliver it to you. And I don't care HOW you do it, just so long as you do the work to transport it somehow from point A to point B. 

Would you just let it sit there and hope I still have it there in a month when you can "get around to it"? Would you promise me you're going to work on it "as soon as you can" and that you'd do anything it took to get that free money? If I asked you how you're gong to do it, would you say: "Well how would YOU do it?"  And if I gave you links to UPS, DHL and Fedex...and Spanky's Delivery Service... would you ignore them and then tell me a week later "Oh I could never get those links to work..."?

*OR*

Would jump on it RIGHT NOW, and start researching reliable delivery companies? Would you have some research done by the end of the night tonight, and even though you maybe hadn't made the final arrangements, you could tell me the progress you'd already made? If you didn't know HOW to research online, could you look in a phone book or the library? Or if you were really lost on how to do it, could you ask somebody for help? 



My point to you is that actually you do have your answer already--you just don't want to see the answer or maybe don't want this particular answer so you're not admitting it's right there. When someone REALLY WANTS something, they don't screw around and take months getting it done. It's done within a day or two! Or significant progress is made at least!! ALL ON THEIR OWN--they act and do even if they're confused they FIND A WAY.

His answer is no, but he's not strong enough to look you in the face and tell you he's not willing to put forth the effort for the marriage. Maybe it's because he's beta--maybe it's because he's afraid to face himself--but he doesn't want reconciliation enough to drop everything and get after it TODAY! 

So here's a better way to think of this question. Instead of thinking "What does he say he's willing to do...?" (because words are just hot air puffed across vocal cords), ask *"What does he want so badly that he's willing to do it today--right now?" *

The answer: He wants to avoid it so badly that he's willing to risk his marriage today. 
He wants to keep things "the way they were" so badly that he's willing make promises. 
He wants to stay in denial so much that he's willing to pretend "things are better." 
ETC.


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## DayOne

All of this. He has to be woken up, HARD.



SARAHMCD said:


> DayOne,
> I think you are absolutely right. I am still directing him, trying to maintain control. I'm still here for him, although he gets the house to himself. When what he really needs is to miss me, realize I could be permanently gone and get his own sh** together.
> *So I'm assuming I should do the following:
> Get the separation financial filing done(in our state you have to be living apart a year before you can file for D)
> Get our bank accounts separated
> Stop seeing him at all? I've stopped emailing him.
> 
> I'm already starting to go out more with meetup groups, and friends (which I've let him know about).*


But not this:



> Start dating? Or at least let him know I'm online looking? Not sure how to approach that one since I don't want him bitter or angry or to really hurt him. We still have to get our finances sorted


At least, not yet. 
a) it'll cause obvious problems if you ever "R" (reconcile), and (probably) destroy any chance of getting back together. 
b) You're not ready to get back in the field. Enjoy some time alone (if it comes to that), and use the time to get your head straight.


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## DayOne

He needs to know that you're not dependent on him. That your world no longer revolves around him. That's not to say you cut him OUT of your life, but that you have your own life. And that, if he wishes to be in it, he needs to own his own sh*t first. 

But equally, you need to own yours too. It's never (ok, rarely) all one persons fault. Use the the time to think about yourself too. How YOU got here. That's not a blame, just a suggestion to spend some time reflecting. 

When my waw left, it was "all my fault". Now, she's realised that there was some stuff she needed to figure out for herself. And now we both work on our selves, and each other. In that order of importance. 

Something to consider.


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## norajane

DayOne said:


> At least, not yet.
> a) it'll cause obvious problems if you ever "R" (reconcile), and (probably) destroy any chance of getting back together.
> b) You're not ready to get back in the field. Enjoy some time alone (if it comes to that), and use the time to get your head straight.


I agree, and will add that it's not fair to anyone you date when you are still back and forth with your husband and _want _to reconcile with him!

Also, start going to IC. That will help clarify your thoughts about what is important to you and what kind of life you want to live. 

If you see that your H won't take any actual steps to get IC for himself, schedule MC, or do anything to reconcile, then you are wasting your time. You can't make him into a different person.


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## SARAHMCD

Thanks everyone for your suggestions and advice. I loved the money analogy in particular. 
I told him yesterday that I'm giving us some space, that I was tired of being the only one talking (our last meetup, he parroted back things I'd said in emails and didn't add a thing). 
His response was that he wonders if this is just an exercise in futility. That he needs to get his "head around counselling". But he's worried he's just prolonging our misery. That I have a timetable that he doesn't know if he can meet. Fair enough - I'm willing to step back and give him time (all I'd said was that I wanted to see SOMETHING from him - some initial steps, some signs to show me I'm priority - I wasn't expecting a full 180 overnight) . 
I've told him to call when he feels like talking -meaning he does the talking or at least sharing (not just me telling him what I want him to do) - or ask to meet up. His reply was that I can call HIM up anytime I want. Argggggg...
He's just not getting it yet. Not taking ownership. I've already told him a number of things I've done wrong- mostly in terms of communication and possibly some in terms of expectations. That stuff I'd like to work out in MC (or in IC). 
So right now I'm just going to work on me. If he really wants us to reconcile, he can show me.


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## Mr.Fisty

The only thing to do is work on you. Sometimes it has a ripple effect and sometimes it does not. 

If you give him deadlines and you back away from your position constantly, he will not take you seriously. If he complains and you back down, it shows that what you have stated is not as serious or dire as you make it.

Life is about positive changes if you want a probability of a life that is fulfilling. I would work out, especially in the mornings. It releases dopamine, the energy, and motivation hormone. Working out has an affect on your brain, helping you grow new nuerons. Exercise has shown to limit REM sleep, giving you better rest. The goal is not to get back together, but to do what is best for your well-being.

Detach, and do not stop living life because he is not around. Find new things to do, learn what you want and need from life and a partner. See if you can reconcile in who your husband is as an individual, and what you need to be in a fulfilling relationship. Get books on communication, it is the core essence in which we connect. Bonds and attachments are only as strong as understanding goes.

If he does not change, then you have out grown him as a person. If that is the case, would you settle for less? When the time comes, you will see if he can grow or not. Leaving him then might be best for him. It is negative reinforcement. You take away something, in this case it is yourself. Sometimes loss is a great motivator for change.


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## SARAHMCD

An update on our reconciliation (I hope) progress. 

I've started IC - only one session so far, but its nice to be able to talk to someone objective about all that's going on. Hopefully it will, at the very least, get my head around my feelings and stop my mind racing so much. 
Also, I'm volunteering with a women's group this weekend and next, going to a euchre night (card game) through a meetup.com group on Sat night. Signed up for a stained glass class next month. Just generally getting out there on my own. Exercising daily. 

I had a date with my husband last night at a quiet pub. It was the first time I've truly enjoyed being with him since our split. Even though there's a major news story affecting his work life right now (police shooting in N Charleston), he talked about it without going into any sort of angry rant - and then we changed the subject. THAT never happened before. It would have been all-encompassing anger that would leave me feeling anxious. And more than likely spiral him into a depression. It would have taken over and ruined the whole date. So there's that. 
He's going for IC - yeah!!! Ongoing, not just one session. Starting next week. That's a huge step for someone who has adamantly refused in the past. At the very least I think it will get him talking about his feelings and perhaps that will get him more comfortable eventually opening up to me more. I have hope. 
Another thing I noticed -although small, it meant a lot to me. He took charge of going to the bar to order our food and later, picking up the check. That was always left up to me in the past while he would quietly sit at the table doing nothing or worse, *****ing about the service. It seems small, but it was the first time in a long time that I felt attracted to him.

He also told me how much he missed me but feared if we moved back together too soon we would end up falling back into our bad routines that split us up in the first place. So I'm glad he's recognizing how important it is to make changes and we're on the same page there. 

So, finally, some progress. It's all I ask at this point.


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