# Ran into ex MIL



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I am soooooo irate!! I just ran into my ex MIL and of course I initially started to cry Bc I miss my in laws. Then she started talking and pissed me off so much! She's like she's over it and it's time to move forward and blah blah. Like it's so easy! Like her son didn't just completely mess me up, emotionally abuse me and F me up mentally, and take advantage of me especially finically! She told me not to get a lawyer (yea right). I told her there is no way I'm not getting a lawyer. It's so easy to move on when your a 31 year old man, cardio thoracic surgeon who just used some nice girl to live a luxurious lifestyle off of while she did all your cooking and cleaning, laundry and had sex with you. It's like oh really? Must be easy to move on when that's your life, not when you were just completely taken advantage of in every aspect, when you gave up half your life to support your husband to then be left high and dry and childless. I'm sooo mad!!!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Based on what you said about the in laws, this is not surprising.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I told her I expected more out of her. She was like katie he is my son! And I said I understand but wrong is wrong! I put my life on hold and supported her son during pre med, medical school and residency and right before he finishes he leaves me high and dry in my 30s without kids, and huge loans that he told me to take out so he can live a nice life. And he didn't even try to save the marriage!!! He didn't even try!!!! How can you defend this!!!!! He couldn't even tell me to my face he was done! Once he moved to the west coast, I asked for his address Bc I had 2 months off and I wanted to go there and work on the marriage and he told me no, I never want to see you again! What!!!! After everything I did for him! After being together for 15 years! It blows my mind.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Doesn't it kind of explain him though? It's good you were strong enough to get away from the cycle. Your kids will thank you for it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are these the same inlaws who you couldn't stand? And, you missed them?

Why don't you have that attorney, yet? I seriously doubt that your stbx will get off scott-free with regards to the financials. You can prove your contributions and alimony will be calculated on his earning potential.

If you even think you are going to cry over any of those people, feel free to smack yourself upside the head.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Are these the same inlaws who you couldn't stand? And, you missed them?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




It's crazy how brutal and selfish people are. I'm such a sucker for believing that I could trust my husband, and that he wouldn't do this to me, and that he loved me and that his family loves me. No. They are all out for themselves. I am so mad that I let myself be that vulnerable.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I told her to tell him to either pay for my student loans or expect the lawyers. She tried to threaten me by saying it's just going to cost me money because I have to pay for the lawyers and I have no rights to any of money... God I hope she is wrong.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Doesn't it kind of explain him though? It's good you were strong enough to get away from the cycle. Your kids will thank you for it.




I love how positive you are. I really appreciate it especially at a time like this. Thanks!!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Katie, contact an attorney ASAP! Do not do any negotiating by yourself as you may very well underestimate your due. No talking to him or them and certainly no signing anything. Do you hear?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Katie, contact an attorney ASAP! Do not do any negotiating by yourself as you may very well underestimate your due. No talking to him or them and certainly no signing anything. Do you hear?




Yes!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't engage her ever again. You're not divorcing her.

And blood is always thicker than water.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I love how positive you are. I really appreciate it especially at a time like this. Thanks!!


Work on picking the right one next time, that is the only place you messed up last time. I don't think it's you, it was just the guy you picked. From your posts I can tell if you get the right guy you will do well.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Two words:


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Katie,

Document everything you did and get a lawyer. You have made an investment in a surgeon and you need a return on your money. 

I'm rarely in favor of bringing in lawyers except in cases like yours. 

Tamat


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

No you see the way most people are. As Satya said blood is thicker than water. 

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. My wife could start ****ing any and every guy she meets while getting drunk all the time. And if we divorced because of this my MiL would welcome her with open arms and give a **** whether she ever saw me again.

I know its tough because you sound like an actual GOOD person. You thought you were an actual part of their family. But as others have said consider yourself fortunate for finding out where you really stand with a piece of garbage family. 

And good luck with the attorney, Im sure youll get the monetary settlement youre due.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

katiecrna said:


> I told her I expected more out of her. She was like katie he is my son! And I said I understand but wrong is wrong! I put my life on hold and supported her son during pre med, medical school and residency and right before he finishes he leaves me high and dry in my 30s without kids, and huge loans that he told me to take out so he can live a nice life. And he didn't even try to save the marriage!!! He didn't even try!!!! How can you defend this!!!!! He couldn't even tell me to my face he was done! Once *he moved to the west coast*, I asked for his address Bc I had 2 months off and I wanted to go there and work on the marriage and he told me no, I never want to see you again! What!!!! After everything I did for him! After being together for 15 years! It blows my mind.


West coast as in California? You know, the state where permanent alimony kicks in at 10 years of marriage? That state? The one where once he's lived there 6 months you can file for divorce in that jurisdiction whether you've ever been there or not? Is that the state he moved to?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Nucking Futs said:


> West coast as in California? You know, the state where permanent alimony kicks in at 10 years of marriage? That state? The one where once he's lived there 6 months you can file for divorce in that jurisdiction whether you've ever been there or not? Is that the state he moved to?


This.

THIS.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Nucking Futs said:


> West coast as in California? You know, the state where permanent alimony kicks in at 10 years of marriage? That state? The one where once he's lived there 6 months you can file for divorce in that jurisdiction whether you've ever been there or not? Is that the state he moved to?




No. Not California


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Nucking Futs said:


> West coast as in California? You know, the state where permanent alimony kicks in at 10 years of marriage? That state? The one where once he's lived there 6 months you can file for divorce in that jurisdiction whether you've ever been there or not? Is that the state he moved to?



I thought on a previous post (which I think was from last year) she stated that although they had been together for 9 years prior to marriage, at the time of the post they had only been married for 5.

If so, and if he is already a cardiothoracic surgeon who has completed residency (? and fellowship?) then presumably he already had his M.D. at the time of marriage. 

(getting on my soapbox for a tangent to follow):
And although I know some states like New York will view advanced degrees as a sort of "community property", that approach has never sat well with me. Because the spouse that has that degree with need to show up every day for work in the future to realize any value out of that advanced degree. Without those long hours, that degree is worth zero. For the (ex-) spouse, it will be passive income which will roll in every day with no future effort at all. The spouse with the advanced degree will be burdened with having to provide the ex-spouse with that "passive income" and will not be afforded the choice of changing careers, quitting early should he/she burn out, take an income cut in exchange for better lifestyle hours, or any other options that are available to others not burdened in this way.
But what about the debt for that advanced degree that may have been accumulated in the marriage? Well, in every other aspect when there is asymmetrical debt that can be attributed disproportionally to one of the spouses, the presiding judge is able to assign that accordingly to the spouses as part of the division of assets. I think that is a much fairer way of addressing this problem than treating a human being like a chattel investment.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> West coast as in California? You know, the state where permanent alimony kicks in at 10 years of marriage? That state? The one where once he's lived there 6 months you can file for divorce in that jurisdiction whether you've ever been there or not? Is that the state he moved to?


Permanent alimony is adjudged on a case by case basis and is not a guarantee. It can be appealed and reviewed along the way. It is not considered a right but can be awarded out of necessity.

Even if he moved to California and they had been married 10 years, it is doubtful that Katie would have been awarded any alimony as she is not ill and has the ability to support not only herself but also an ungrateful *********.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Permanent alimony is adjudged on a case by case basis and is not a guarantee. It can be appealed and reviewed along the way. It is not considered a right but can be awarded out of necessity.
> 
> Even if he moved to California and they had been married 10 years, it is doubtful that Katie would have been awarded any alimony as she is not ill and has the ability to support not only herself but also an ungrateful *********.


It's moot, he's not in California.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP you need to consider the source in this situation. Even if your MIL was absolutely disgusted with her son she isn't going to tell you that. It not so much about loyalty but long term family harmony. She has to figure if she says one negative comment it will get back to her son, then he will be pissed at mom. Understand he will be in her life going forward and she wants to keep the peace, she may have chewed him out but she isn't going to tell you that. 

Personally when I run into anyone from the ex's family I avoid the subject of the ex, I think it's bad form to do so.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Ignore MIL.
Go see that attorney pronto and get every penny you are entitled to. He and his family have circled their family wagons and you are no longer included. It hurts but that's what happens in divorce.

You will survive this. You will get over the pain and betrayal. You will. It doesn't feel like it, but you will, on your time schedule. Now, go for a walk, or get your nails done or take a long bath or what ever you need to renew. This is the beginning.


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## fridgitsunrise11 (Oct 2, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> I am soooooo irate!! I just ran into my ex MIL and of course I initially started to cry Bc I miss my in laws. Then she started talking and pissed me off so much! She's like she's over it and it's time to move forward and blah blah. Like it's so easy! Like her son didn't just completely mess me up, emotionally abuse me and F me up mentally, and take advantage of me especially finically! She told me not to get a lawyer (yea right). I told her there is no way I'm not getting a lawyer. It's so easy to move on when your a 31 year old man, cardio thoracic surgeon who just used some nice girl to live a luxurious lifestyle off of while she did all your cooking and cleaning, laundry and had sex with you. It's like oh really? Must be easy to move on when that's your life, not when you were just completely taken advantage of in every aspect, when you gave up half your life to support your husband to then be left high and dry and childless. I'm sooo mad!!!


Unfortunately they are your in-laws a.k.a your husband's parents. In principle, they should back you up by all means morally. But at the end of day, they are your husband's parents. They surely would back him up more in lots of aspects. 

I am separated at the moment. Although I still hang out with my in-laws, they still said that there is nothing much they could do after my wife started having an affair with the other woman (like 3 months after the wedding). Meanwhile, my wife is a spoiled brat who needs to grow up. My parents in laws still do whatever the best for her. Moreover, it seems that my in-laws sway from being on my side to hers....as they are blood-related, which usually is a factor that blurs the clear sense of knowing what is right or wrong regardless.....


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* @katiecrna ~ It's best never to converse or be led into dialogue by your MIL or anyone else from your STBXH's clan.

Whatever you say to them or how you even say it to them is not "hearsay" and anything that you consciously or unconsciously extrapolate to them can be entered into evidence.

If you ever see any of them again and are asked something, simply respond "Call my lawyer," then keep on walking!

Nothing to be gained in talking with them!*


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

I'm so sorry that you had that experience with STBX MIL. And yep, blood is thicker than water especially with a family like his. She'll back him up, NO MATTER WHAT. She had to pick and it was, without a doubt, her son. You're angry and I certainly don't blame you for being angry. Now, take that anger and get an attorney already!


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Middle of Everything said:


> No you see the way most people are. As Satya said blood is thicker than water.
> 
> My wife and I have been married for 15 years. My wife could start ****ing any and every guy she meets while getting drunk all the time. And if we divorced because of this my MiL would welcome her with open arms and give a **** whether she ever saw me again.
> 
> I know its tough because you sound like an actual GOOD person. You thought you were an actual part of their family. But as others have said consider yourself fortunate for finding out where you really stand with a piece of garbage family.


 @katiecrna, this is how it usually goes. It's hard to swallow, but it's reality. When there's a divorce, or a split, you lose them as well, and that makes things even harder if you had a good relationship with them.

When my ex wife dumped me for an OM, the only in-law I ever saw or talked to again was her sister. I was godfather to one of her (at the time, young) kids, and she also realized what her sister had done. She reached out to me, which was nice. But that's also quite rare.

The rest of the family - I never saw or heard from again, just like that (except for her father, who emailed legal details to me, because, I guess, my ex wife couldn't?)

These were people who I had known since I was 18, had Sunday dinners with almost every week for ~14 years, took family vacations with, golfed with father and brother in law, birthdays, christmas, etc. Just disappeared. Their living room was filled with family photos, about half a dozen or more that had me in them. Wedding photo, golf photo, posed family portraits, vacation photos. I was part of the family.

This is what usually happens in divorce. It's not always taking sides, often it's just steering clear of things, not getting in the middle, etc. It's a tough situation to be in and never comfortable, I imagine.

In the 9 years since my divorce, I've seen my ex in-laws a handful of times, but always steered clear. It was hard at first, but you get over it. Nobody owes you anything, even though I felt at the time that a phone call or even an email from her parents would have been nice. Just ask me how I was doing, sorry things worked out this way, we'll miss you, etc.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

alexm said:


> @katiecrna, this is how it usually goes. It's hard to swallow, but it's reality. When there's a divorce, or a split, you lose them as well, and that makes things even harder if you had a good relationship with them.
> 
> When my ex wife dumped me for an OM, the only in-law I ever saw or talked to again was her sister. I was godfather to one of her (at the time, young) kids, and she also realized what her sister had done. She reached out to me, which was nice. But that's also quite rare.
> 
> ...


Not going to be this situation but in my family's case my dad's family kept us and my mom and he was the one on the outs. We still went to his family events and we were the grandkids, nephews nieces and cousins.

So your portrayal may be true and maybe even more often than not but not in my case. Of course in our case there was an entire family. 

Sent from my Moto G (5S) Plus using Tapatalk


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

If you would retain a lawyer you would realize that you are going to be entitled to a pretty big chunk of his future earnings.

I was married to a doctor for 20 years. I know how this works.

Quit spiraling over real and imagined slights--you're just wasting more time and energy. Get on the horn with an attorney, pronto.


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