# My ex boyfriends's sisters always interfere in his relationships. Why?



## kpl13 (Apr 3, 2012)

This is kind of a complicated story so I will try and keep it short. I am a 26 year old female and my ex is 28. We are currently working towards a reconciliation but I am worried that his family will always get in the way and we will never have our OWN LIFE. We were together for 3 years and during this time his two younger sisters were never friendly towards me. He told me in the beginning that they never liked anyone he dated but that he had sat them down and told them I was different and they were not going to treat me like they had treated the other girls. They would never say hi to me if I walked into a room and basically ignored me unless my ex was around and even then they never even tried to get to know me. I am a very nice person and they are the type of girls that are overly dramatic and everything is about them, they are always right. Along with this, there was one time where his youngest sister yelled at me because he had tried to help someone on the side of the road in a snowstorm. She went berserk and started crying becuase she felt he was putting us in danger and then yelled at me for not stopping him from doing it. I felt she was completly irrational but the ex never defended me and when we got back to the cabin (we had gone to their family cabin for the weekend) everything was fine again. This bothered me but at that point in our relationship, I wasn't sure how to approach the subject. Well, over the next couple years they continued to be rude to me and when it got to the point where he was going to propose, I told him I needed some space and time to think and we broke up. I wasn't sure if I could see marrying, even though he is perfect for me every way, my best friend. This had to do some with my own commitment issues and some with his family. It's been 4 months and and we started talking two weeks ago, initiated by me. I want to be with him and I know he is the one for me. I dated someone else and so did he but we could only think about eachother. I really worked on myself knowing that if we got back together alot of things would need to be different in order for things to work. When his sister found out we were talking again, she emailed me and told me to stay away from him and let him move on, he's happy blah blah. She told me not to tell him she emailed me and that she would be talking to him about it. I basically told her I have a right to tell him how I feel and its between him and I. She kept emailing me, each email getting more and more abusive and insulting, accusing me of all kinds of things like I was jeolous of her family and trying to take my ex away from them. We have been talking and of course I told him what she had said and sent him copies of the emails. After he read them, he said that was last straw, he was sick of them thinking they know whats best for him and trying to interfere in everything. He told them off and said they better change or else they won't be seeing him anymore. I'm wondering if anyone has had experiance with this kind of dysfunctional family? I love my ex and we both want to be together and have very openly disscussed our relationship and what we want. Everything we want is the same. This is the man I want to marry but I am worried about how his family will affect our relationship. Advice?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

If your partner is able to stand up for you to his family (which he has done now) then do not waste your energy or time worrying about them anymore. Some families are jealous or hostile in these situations for whatever reasons of their own, that does not give them a right to interefere in your relationship or show blatant disrespect for you.

When the time comes to plan a wedding things will get difficult, but your husband can make the solution to them simple. They either treat you with respect and stay our of your business, or they are not welcome. Don't get caught up in family drama like this because it can go on for years. 

Do not worry about his family. Focus on the two of you and if his sisters want to be a part of your lives then it is up to them to behave appropriately. Do not put down his sisters to him. Remain neutral. Block her emails. Take a step back and don't get involved anymore. The issue will only become as big in your relationship as you let it.


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## kpl13 (Apr 3, 2012)

Thank you for your reply. I am trying not to let it get to me because I know that if we want to work things out, we need to focus on us right now and not let all this negative energy affect what we have. I am worried though that I will never really feel comfortable again and always feel hurt by this. My biggest fear is that he will forgive and forget and his sisters will feel again like they can get away with anything. How do I not let it affect us down the road? I know they will never change, they are just judgemental and never think they are in the wrong. I know I shouldn't say bad things about his sister to him, but I am guilty of letting a few things slip to him. He has told me how she had an affair with a married man and then used this to get her current boyfriend to propose. She told him if you don't propose, I will run away with him. When he told me this I just went off, saying what gives her the right to judge me and our relationship when she is doing something so horrible in hers. I would never do that but somehow I am a horrible person, not her. How do I keep myself from venting to him when he is venting to me also?


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## kpl13 (Apr 3, 2012)

Also, when I think about the future I see him and I see kids. BUT if I have kids with him, I do not want them around people like this who are so judgemental and rude and think its ok. I feel that if we got back together, we need to create more space between them in order to be healthy as a couple. Before when we were dating, he was living with all of them under the same roof so I had to see them at least every other weekend and they always had things planned. If my ex couldn't go they would give him a guilt trip. How do we establish healthy boundaries? Would it be a good idea to go into counseling to help both him and I figure these things out?


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## Gratitude (Feb 12, 2012)

If you get back together and want to marry then pre-marital counselling is a great idea. 

You establish boundaries by him telling his sisters what is acceptable and what isn't, and following through. Period. 

Families can be really difficult when you are coming together as partners. You are not alone. You and him need to sit down and make a decision that your lives, is your lives. He needs to commit to standing by you and not letting anybody interfere. The best way to not let slip any jibes about his sisters is to not talk about them. 

My husband and I had family outside conflict, the best way we learnt, was simply not to let it in. They knew the score. Respect, or out. We didn't talk about them. We never let them into our lives.

It's not about fixing his sisters because you can't. It's about choosing how much you're going to let them interfere in your lives. Don't worry down the track about children. People come around by then, and if not, it's still your decision what happens in your life. Don't let anybody toxic into your relationship. I can tell you already are. The sisters will ONLY listen to their brother not you so it's up to him to stand up to them.


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## Deirdre (Apr 8, 2012)

Something similar happened to me few years ago. My husband's family (we actually call them ex-family now) never really liked me. They havent even met me yet (my husband and I lived in different country before we got married). Their family (mum, and sisters, his dad left them) accused me trying to get the citizenship.

Same like you, I never did anything to harm them. I actually love my husband, but they think im taking him away from their family. Im lucky, my husband always stands up for me. His family tried and tried all dodgy trick to separate us, but all didnt work 

Then after like few months, it was the last straw for my husband. He decided to disown his family; moved out and never talked to them anymore.

Like what other posters already said, if he stand up for you, stick with him.


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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

Hi Kpl,

From my experience as a marriage counselor for The Marriage and Family Clinic is that family members like this usually create difficulties and these difficulties seldom get resolved. For example, I hear plenty of stories about in-laws who said awful things about my clients at their weddings, at Christmas parties, etc. and they have never felt comfortable around them. But that doesn't mean the couple breaks up because of it. 

It sounds like your boyfriend did a good thing and told his sisters to stop meddling which is a sign that he is truly invested in you and your relationship with each other. But it's likely that it made his sisters only harbor more resentment towards you. This is not his fault. It's his sisters'. He can't control how they react. 

It sounds like your boyfriend is truly invested in you which is a solid foundation of a relationship. Peripherally, his sisters will always be around at Christmas parties, birthdays, your children's birthdays, etc. and with the history that has already occurred (her sending those e-mails) you will likely always feel uncomfortable around them unless they apologize which may or may not be likely. 

The question is really for you. Can you let go of the garbage you've already been through with his sisters and focus on just the two of you together?. I mean _really_ let go? Can you not even care about the crap you may get from them at all the future birthday parties, Christmases, etc? And one more question. What is it about them that makes you want their approval so much that you'd be willing to reconsider your relationship based on their approval of you? Afterall, you're not dating THEM.


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