# Go to Bed Together



## Riverside MFT

This was originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Go to Bed Together

As I am writing this post (around 10:00 p.m.), my wife is on the couch next to me reading a book. In about 30 minutes we will be going to bed together. I love going to bed with her and I know that she loves going to bed with me. 

While we go to bed together now, it did not always used to be that way. My wife would often go to bed early and I would stay up late playing games or watching TV. I rationalized my behavior by saying that I was just a "nightowl" and didn't need to go to bed as early as my wife. While I may not need to go to bed in order to sleep, I have since learned that I need to go to bed in order to be with my wife. Going to bed with my wife is not just about sleeping; it is also about bonding with the most important person in my life.

As we have made more of a conscious effort to go to bed together, we find that we often share many precious moments in our last waking hours of the day. Going to bed at the same time allows us to talk with each other before going to sleep. We will often talk about hopes and dreams. We talk about desires and even fears. We cuddle or rub each other's backs. Sometimes we fall asleep as we cuddle. Regardless of what happens when we go to bed, it happens to us together.

Some of the benefits of a husband and wife going to bed together include:

•Sharing precious time together before separating (even though you are together, you are not consciously working on the relationship while you are asleep).
•It helps avoid temptations that either husband or wife may have. It is easy to be secretive about things when your spouse is sleeping and you are awake. These things include addictions (pornography, substance use, etc.), talking/chatting with people you shouldn't be talking to, and so forth. Going to bed together makes these temptations/urges less of an option.
•As you go to bed with your spouse, he or she can be reassured that you are not engaging in the above mentioned behaviors.
•It will help you get a better nights sleep as you are going to bed at a reasonable time instead of extremely late. Couples who get adequate sleep are less likely to engage in intense arguments than those who don't get enough sleep. I could go on and on about the benefits of good sleep on relationships, especially the relationships with the people you live with (spouse and children).
•Last, but certainly not least, it can imrpve your sexual relationship.

Go to bed with your spouse. You could even set a bedtime for yourselves. You make your kids have a bedtime to help them function better, why not give yourself the same opportunity.


----------



## MrK

No matter what I have done in the past two years to get closer to my wife, she refuses to go to bed with me. She knows it's my only issue. She refuses. Even IF we go to bed at the same time, she immediately turns her back to me inn such a way as to make it clear that conversation, touching, ANYTHING BUT SLEEPING is off limits.

Our marriage is over, even though she wants to pretend otherwise. She can fake it as much as she wants while we're awake, but the metaphorical wall that separates us in bed is the deal breaker. I die a litle bit every night lying down next to her, knowing she's miles away. It's easier when she's NOT there.

I hate my marriage. And us not going to bed together is what will eventually end it for real. For good.

Thanks for the post. My wife knows I go on relationship sites, but I have not shared any details with her. This one may be the first.


----------



## LonelyNLost

I love this and I agree 110%. This was one of the things that was very wrong in my marriage. My stbx-h would stay up until 3am most nights while I went to bed at 10 or 11pm. That's 3-4 HOURS of time alone, on the computer, without me. He'd come in and give me a kiss on the forehead and then say goodnight. Not talking, no bonding, no sex, no quality time. I just had to live with it. When he had his first affair, I read a book that talked about the importance of marriage rituals, and it stressed how vital it was to go to bed at the same time. It even said that if one partner falls asleep, and the other gets up afterwards, that's still effective. Now, after second affair we are divorcing. And pillow talk is one of the favorite things about my new relationship. I absolutely love having someone there with me in bed to talk to until I can't talk any longer and fall asleep. And stbx-h is living with his OW, who is adjusting to a 3 hour time difference so I guarantee they stay up together every night, plus she doesn't have a job here.


----------



## frustr8dhubby

Sure, sounds great in theory until I want to physically touch her in some way and that interferes with her precious f'ing sleep...


----------



## Riverside MFT

MrK said:


> No matter what I have done in the past two years to get closer to my wife, she refuses to go to bed with me. She knows it's my only issue. She refuses. Even IF we go to bed at the same time, she immediately turns her back to me inn such a way as to make it clear that conversation, touching, ANYTHING BUT SLEEPING is off limits.
> 
> Our marriage is over, even though she wants to pretend otherwise. She can fake it as much as she wants while we're awake, but the metaphorical wall that separates us in bed is the deal breaker. I die a litle bit every night lying down next to her, knowing she's miles away. It's easier when she's NOT there.
> 
> I hate my marriage. And us not going to bed together is what will eventually end it for real. For good.
> 
> Thanks for the post. My wife knows I go on relationship sites, but I have not shared any details with her. This one may be the first.


I am sorry to hear that. Please let me know if I can help in anyway.


----------



## Riverside MFT

frustr8dhubby said:


> Sure, sounds great in theory until I want to physically touch her in some way and that interferes with her precious f'ing sleep...


And I am sure the touching is not only related to sexual advances. I imagine that sometimes, you would just like to be close to your wife and don't necessarily care about it leading to sex or not.


----------



## frustr8dhubby

Yep. My "love language" is physical touch.


----------



## Syrum

I agree that going to bed together is very important. It is very harmful to not spend time together alone away from everything else.


----------



## RandomDude

> It even said that if one partner falls asleep, and the other gets up afterwards, that's still effective.


Interesting...
Because that's pretty much what the missus and I have been doing.

"Going to bed together" for me is more like "putting the missus to sleep" heh


----------



## Cherry

I was just thinking about this! We started "implementing" our own bedtime just a few months ago... The only time he might stay up is if Dallas is playing, but even then, he still comes into the bedroom to watch it on our TV. I really didn't realize how important the bedtime routine was, thank you for sharing


----------



## southernmagnolia

Very good post! I wish I heeded that advice many years ago before my divorce. :scratchhead:

I was pissed off, resentful and feeling that way isn't exactly a prelude to passionate sex is it? 

17 years later, I still have so many regrets. I wish I had handled things differently, tried different things. We were two people who loved each other very much but we let life get in the way and the petty resentments, lack of communication, lack of sex, lack of appreciation, killed it all and he and I did it.


----------



## Riverside MFT

southernmagnolia said:


> Very good post! I wish I heeded that advice many years ago before my divorce. :scratchhead:
> 
> I was pissed off, resentful and feeling that way isn't exactly a prelude to passionate sex is it?
> 
> 17 years later, I still have so many regrets. I wish I had handled things differently, tried different things. We were two people who loved each other very much but we let life get in the way and the petty resentments, lack of communication, lack of sex, lack of appreciation, killed it all and he and I did it.


Thank you for your comment. It sounds like going to bed together may not have been a solve all for the relationship, but could have helped.



Syrum said:


> I agree that going to bed together is very important. It is very harmful to not spend time together alone away from everything else.





RandomDude said:


> Interesting...
> Because that's pretty much what the missus and I have been doing.
> 
> "Going to bed together" for me is more like "putting the missus to sleep" heh





Cherry said:


> I was just thinking about this! We started "implementing" our own bedtime just a few months ago... The only time he might stay up is if Dallas is playing, but even then, he still comes into the bedroom to watch it on our TV. I really didn't realize how important the bedtime routine was, thank you for sharing


Thanks for your comments.

Just as a side not, it is my opinion (both personal and professional) that TV's do not belong in the bedroom. I think a bed is for sleeping, sex, and pillow talk. There are other activities that can occur in a bed (like reading, etc.), but watching TV should not be one of those activities. Watching TV can make someone stay up later than needed, and not get enough sleep. It can take the place of meaningful conversation. It can dull one's desire for sex.

By no means am I against TV (I mean college football season is almost here :smthumbup: ), but I do not think TVs should be in the bedroom. Just some thoughts from a random marriage counselor. Thanks again for your comments.


----------



## Cherry

Riverside MFT said:


> Just as a side not, it is my opinion (both personal and professional) that TV's do not belong in the bedroom. I think a bed is for sleeping, sex, and pillow talk. There are other activities that can occur in a bed (like reading, etc.), but watching TV should not be one of those activities. Watching TV can make someone stay up later than needed, and not get enough sleep. It can take the place of meaningful conversation. It can dull one's desire for sex.
> 
> By no means am I against TV (I mean college football season is almost here :smthumbup: ), but I do not think TVs should be in the bedroom. Just some thoughts from a random marriage counselor. Thanks again for your comments.


 I figured that! I had read that somewhere else and we both agree that if our sex life starts to take the slippery slope downhill, we'll relocate it... But for me right now, it at least gets him in the bedroom and away from any tempting computer playing because before he wouldn't go with me if he wasn't tired... He'd get online and claim he was playing "spades"... Uh huh... I didn't know there were those kinds of games on Craigslist  It's working thus far, way better than the alternative!


----------



## Entropy3000

This makes good sense. We mostly do this now. Not always in the past for one reason of another. When things are good I can say we are in this mode.


----------



## RoseRed

I whole-heartedly agree!! It was like that for us way way back in the day... but as the years progressed... the only time and reason he touched me was for sex and I mean just any type of touch... purely a physical need on his part... I tried to express that touching is not just a precursor for sex... its an emotional bond as well... hhmmm.. that point didn't get through... 

I still wonder why his affection for me had changed so much as being a lover, wife and mother for the first 5 years of our marriage... but eventually I was delegated to being the chef, housekeeper, childcare provider, accountant... no matter my efforts to reverse this trend.


----------



## Riverside MFT

Cherry said:


> I figured that! I had read that somewhere else and we both agree that if our sex life starts to take the slippery slope downhill, we'll relocate it... But for me right now, it at least gets him in the bedroom and away from any tempting computer playing because before he wouldn't go with me if he wasn't tired... He'd get online and claim he was playing "spades"... Uh huh... I didn't know there were those kinds of games on Craigslist  It's working thus far, way better than the alternative!


That is true. TV in bedroom > porn late at night on craigslist.


----------



## that_girl

We go to bed together  Sometimes one of us isn't tired so we'll go to bed until the other falls asleep and then get up and do whatever we need to do to get tired.


----------



## heartsbeating

I completely agree with the importance of going to bed together!! 

We had some years when I'd be up later than him as the "night owl". I know regrets aren't a good thing, I suppose I've learned through this, but I do regret doing this. It's one of our changes for the better that we go to bed at the same time. We've also started making time to get up earlier and spend our mornings together too. These seemingly little things are SO important.


----------



## Riverside MFT

heartsbeating said:


> These seemingly little things are SO important.


Totally agree. It is very much the little things in a relationship that make a BIG difference.


----------



## hurtnohio

I'm guessing it's a bad sign if your wife moves your stuff into another bedroom. She claims it's because she can't relax if I'm around, but I think it's just because she hates me. Our 3-year old son has started referring to our rooms as "Momma's room" and "Daddy's room."

But then I already know my marriage is on life support, so I agree with your premise. I knew things were getting bad when we not only stopped going to bed together, but actually quit sleeping in the same bed together.

It's just so sad.


----------



## nila

We do not go to bed together even that I have insisted quite much in this. My husband is always "working" on the computer or "reading" or doing something that prevents him to sleep together. I think is a bad behavior and everything is more of an excuse just to sleep half hour later browse some facebook or other things content that you wouldnt do in front of your wife. 
is quite sad thought..


----------



## ladybird

Riverside MFT said:


> And I am sure the touching is not only related to sexual advances. I imagine that sometimes, you would just like to be close to your wife and don't necessarily care about it leading to sex or not.


 My husband ONLY touches me when he wants sex, which isn't very often at all!


----------



## gbrad

frustr8dhubby said:


> Sure, sounds great in theory until I want to physically touch her in some way and that interferes with her precious f'ing sleep...


Sleep is important.


----------



## gbrad

nila said:


> We do not go to bed together even that I have insisted quite much in this. My husband is always "working" on the computer or "reading" or doing something that prevents him to sleep together. I think is a bad behavior and everything is more of an excuse just to sleep half hour later browse some facebook or other things content that you wouldnt do in front of your wife.
> is quite sad thought..


We are very much like this. We have different sleep patterns. I am also the type that once I get into bed, it is all about sleep. I don't like to talk or cuddle or anything that would hinder falling asleep. I don't think that has anything to do with the relationship, but more about falling asleep.


----------



## KathyBatesel

I know I'm in a very small minority, but this is something I have mixed thoughts about. 

It has certainly caused issues in relationships I've had because I've always had trouble getting to sleep. If I go at the same time, my partners complained that I kept them awake with my restlessness. If I went before them and somehow fell asleep, it was that I snored. 

My husband frequently goes to bed earlier than I do but he has never complained about my absence and is fine with it if I do come to bed when he does. Since I started working again, I've been trying to sleep at the same time, usually lying awake a couple hours and sometimes it intrudes on his sleep. 

 

I've found that if I stay up those couple of hours, I get more done and feel more satisfied overall, which makes me easier to be around, too, but I do like cuddling as well. Shrug... Guess I'll see how this plays out over time.


----------



## Entropy3000

Things are going best in my marriage when we are in this habit. There are times when this is not always reasonable. But I know that getting into the habit of not doing this contrbutes to lost intimacy and growing apart.

So for us it important.


----------



## Tango

This has got to be one of the biggest mistakes I've made in my marriage. After having major back surgery, my H was very worried that he would knee me in the back or push me in his sleep. We set me up in the spare room. Something that staryed out as a considerate living gesture turned out be a bad move.They say it only takes a month to create a habit. Well that did I it. As I recovered, I found it more and more difficult to go to bed at the same time, or just to get comfortable. I spent years sleeping on my couch that cradled me like a baby. Meanwhile, my H was pulling away from me. So I am definitely an advocate for sleeping together. Now my H goes to bed a 9pm and I just can't go to sleep that early. I try every night and I stay until he goes to sleep.


----------



## Ellen Steve

Going to bed with your loved one is a very important time to reconnect and bond, and especially to reaffirm your love of one another. I too would stay up later and watch TV or play video games. My friends were up and we’d often challenge each other to various sports matches or whatever. I’d also do some writing in the kitchen or some reading in the living room, when in fact I should have gone to bed with my wife and sit next to her to take in her breathing, rub her shoulders and thighs and just take in the happiness of my life. I changed my behavior and almost instantly we felt closer to each other throughout the day. We found that we were holding hands more often, cuddling on the coach, touching each other and kissing while we were having a simple dinner together. There is something magical that happens in those moments before we sleep and being in bed next to the one you love when this happens is something that I will never take for granted again.
Common Marriage Issues


----------



## Stonewall

Riverside MFT said:


> This was originally posted at Improve My Marriage: Go to Bed Together
> 
> As I am writing this post (around 10:00 p.m.), my wife is on the couch next to me reading a book. In about 30 minutes we will be going to bed together. I love going to bed with her and I know that she loves going to bed with me.
> 
> While we go to bed together now, it did not always used to be that way. My wife would often go to bed early and I would stay up late playing games or watching TV. I rationalized my behavior by saying that I was just a "nightowl" and didn't need to go to bed as early as my wife. While I may not need to go to bed in order to sleep, I have since learned that I need to go to bed in order to be with my wife. Going to bed with my wife is not just about sleeping; it is also about bonding with the most important person in my life.
> 
> As we have made more of a conscious effort to go to bed together, we find that we often share many precious moments in our last waking hours of the day. Going to bed at the same time allows us to talk with each other before going to sleep. We will often talk about hopes and dreams. We talk about desires and even fears. We cuddle or rub each other's backs. Sometimes we fall asleep as we cuddle. Regardless of what happens when we go to bed, it happens to us together.
> 
> Some of the benefits of a husband and wife going to bed together include:
> 
> •Sharing precious time together before separating (even though you are together, you are not consciously working on the relationship while you are asleep).
> •It helps avoid temptations that either husband or wife may have. It is easy to be secretive about things when your spouse is sleeping and you are awake. These things include addictions (pornography, substance use, etc.), talking/chatting with people you shouldn't be talking to, and so forth. Going to bed together makes these temptations/urges less of an option.
> •As you go to bed with your spouse, he or she can be reassured that you are not engaging in the above mentioned behaviors.
> •It will help you get a better nights sleep as you are going to bed at a reasonable time instead of extremely late. Couples who get adequate sleep are less likely to engage in intense arguments than those who don't get enough sleep. I could go on and on about the benefits of good sleep on relationships, especially the relationships with the people you live with (spouse and children).
> •Last, but certainly not least, it can imrpve your sexual relationship.
> 
> Go to bed with your spouse. You could even set a bedtime for yourselves. You make your kids have a bedtime to help them function better, why not give yourself the same opportunity.


Been together 37 years and this is something we have always done. I wholeheartedly agree.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

I admit that we haven't always done this as a couple, and now that I reflect on it I wished I would have done this. I was the one that would not always go to bed with my wife, but sometimes it's hard when she wants to go to bed at 8 pm - even if it is watching TV. Lately I've been making a concerted effort to go to bed with her, or at least meet up with her in bed and basically "put her to bed" as another poster said earlier in this thread. My wife has never said this bothered her, but I think me doing this more - along with some other things I tried to correct - have been making our good marriage even stronger.


----------



## Tigger

I can count on one hand the times we have gone to bed at the same time.

It used to really bother me.
I asked him if he would at least a couple nights a week. He wouldn't.

I go around 10 or 11pm and he wants to stay up until 2 or 3am.

It is lonely like that. 

Then when he comes in at that time it wakes me up so I never get a good nights sleep.


----------



## mildlyperplexed

Riverside MFT said:


> . Watching TV can make someone stay up later than needed, and not get enough sleep. It can take the place of meaningful conversation. It can dull one's desire for sex.


If you are someone who reads for pleasure its worse on every one of those counts. Totally agree that the TV shouldn't be in the bedroom, and after reading your post I'm considering banishing my library too.

Love going to bed with my husband and I usually wait up for him so we can hug and talk about nothing. I don't sleep well when hes not there.


----------



## Caribbean Man

We usually go to bed together except on rare occasions when I'm very tired , tuck in very early and she just not ready to sleep as yet.
We always have our little " pillow talk" before dozing off.

That's why I'm never on late on TAM.


----------

