# I don't know what to do anymore



## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

Dated 7 years, Married 8 years, separated for a year, got back with husband after found out he was cheating on me for 3 years and slept with at least 9 different women that I know of. We've been back together for 8 months now. He's sober and has been for almost a year now. 

Trouble is he still works at the very same restaurant bar with his two vices, women and booze. It's a pretty corporate place with lots of cameras, not a dive bar. Staff is not allowed to drink. We'll just say it's Friday's but a lot more corporate and strict. I've been asking him since we got married 8 years ago to work somewhere else. He has no skills or education. We could afford to have him go back to school, but I don't see the drive in him. He makes great money at the bar and it's easy for him, he says.

Who's to say he won't start hanging out with other women at work again? Then start lying about going to work, lying about the money, lying about his "friends" etc. I'm having a hard time trusting him while he's still working there. I voice this to him about once a month and he gets defensive, irritated and upset. I want him to know I'm serious. Other times, I don't care if he cheats because then I can finally be free, but at other times, it really bothers me. 

I don't know what else to do. What would you do?


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

9 different women in 3 years? That's a lot. And that's just what you know about. I think you know the answer to your question. Run. You even came out and said that sometimes you don't care if he cheats so you can be free. You need to pay more attention to that voice.


----------



## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

I'm waiting for the day cubby. To be utterly honest, I'm scared of raising my boys without their dad in the same household. They're so little. Both under 5.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The first nine times weren't enough?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He could be a bartender, plumber, salesman, attorney, or surgeon.

You will have doubts and zero trust no matter.

Cheaters gonna cheat.

Edit: just saw the other thread you posted that has more detail: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/261201-just-vent.html#post12369673

Zero compatibility. Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs to work with you, not against you.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I think RG needs some support, not advice on what to do. She knows that. 

I gather she has no money of her own and little chance of getting some. RG needs some realistic help from folks who have successfully divorced in such a situation. And she needs help after in finding a job she can do that will allow her to have child care so that she can have that job.

I've not been divorced, so I'm not the person to give advice on this.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

It will be much easier for you boys to adjust while they're young (my opinion). Believe it or not, kids become way more complicated in a different way as and when they are older. 

I actually think if there is a good time, now would be it. You have a chance at a much better life now. 

You're husband is a bad bet. I would bet on a better future without him.


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

If he's cheated 9 times and you're waiting for him to cheat again, do you think you will leave him then? 

Don't you think it's better to leave while the kids are still young than have them grow up in this kind of household....suspicious paranoid and unhappy mum and cheating elusive dad?


----------



## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I left my ex with no money, no job, and 2 young kids, though not as young as yours. Though I love in UK. The state benefits system is pretty kind to us when the chips are down, or at least it was. Slightly harsher now.


----------



## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

Boundaries. I was just thinking about our dysfunctional co-dependent narcissistic relationship early on. I was always the "cool" chick who didn't care, who let him party and go out with whomever. I should have set better boundaries for fairer treatment as the opposite sex. Boundaries. I keep repeating it. I'm going to leave this man. I do have a plan. Just needed some support. 

I can do this. I know I can. I need to set boundaries. 

Thing is now he's super lovey dovey, doing nice things for me, and appreciating me. 

But, I also think he has no where else to go besides a friend's couch. 

When we were separated, he would talk badly about me to his mom and she watches the kids every day. He made it a very bad situation between his mother and I. 

Again, thanks a million everyone for your imput. I cherish that you all give a hoot about little ole me and my boys. 

I have to think about the future right now, logistics, like where we're going to live, who's going to watch them, etc. When the time is right, I will make my move.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What does mommy think about him cheating on you nine times???

Good luck RacerGirl!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

RacerGirl, 

It's great to start making a plan but when plans take too long, people fall into the same habits again and become comfortable. This might lead to rug-sweeping the whole thing. 

Again, of course you need to make a plan just stick to your guns and see it through. 

Best of luck.


----------



## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

I am, rugs! I'm saddling up with my big girl guns! Figuratively speaking, that is. yee haw!
I got my own checking account with direct deposit, got my new dependable car two days ago, condo under my name. Just trying to brainstorm the details of childcare.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

RaceGirl said:


> Dated 7 years, Married 8 years, separated for a year, got back with husband after found out he was cheating on me for 3 years and slept with at least 9 different women that I know of. We've been back together for 8 months now. He's sober and has been for almost a year now.
> 
> Trouble is he still works at the very same restaurant bar with his two vices, women and booze. It's a pretty corporate place with lots of cameras, not a dive bar. Staff is not allowed to drink. We'll just say it's Friday's but a lot more corporate and strict. I've been asking him since we got married 8 years ago to work somewhere else. He has no skills or education. We could afford to have him go back to school, but I don't see the drive in him. He makes great money at the bar and it's easy for him, he says.
> 
> ...


 Race,

I do not believe you when you say you don't know what to do, cause you do indeed know, the problem is you have choices...but they all suck.

Every moment you remain with him is a loss.. A loss of who you were, a day, a night, a enjoyable meal, a good nights sleep, actual happy and care free time with your children. You are being abused, make no mistake, this is abuse and the cloudiness you feel going forward is the murky unknown of what the future holds, a fair assessment. So what indeed do you know at this moment. He will never change, he will never stop hurting you and in turn your children, he will never put your well being above his self satisfaction. This and many more things you do know. 

Navigate your life away from this debacle and let the storm rage on without you. Yes, the changes are frightening, but that is for all new experiences, good or bad. These days will never come again, for any of us, time to take them back and go on the offensive. You did nothing wrong, you are alive, and its time to close this chapter and write a new story.

You can do this, and in time you will do this, just take that first step and the next one will always be easier.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey RG----this so called H-----isn't gonna change------Doesn't make any sense for you to stay with him----he thinks he's ENTITLED----and you are allowing that to happen

He cheated with lots of women, but even if it had only been with one----HE HAS NO RIGHT TO EVER GET MAD OR DEMANDING ABOUT ANYTHING-----

If for some strange reason you were to stay in this sham of a mge----he has to know-----that this game is to, from now on, to be PLAYED BY YOUR RULES, AND YOUR RULES ONLY-----he MUST take ACCOUNTABILITY, and SHOW REMORSE-------

BOTTOM LINE AS LONG AS HE STAYS IN HIS PRESENT JOB----the cheating is easily available to him, and he is with women, who are there for that purpose and that purpose only----so let me ask you this

At what level of MISERY do you wish to spend the rest of your married life in???????


----------



## PBDad (Apr 13, 2015)

Your H is broken.

He can resist everything, except temptation. Get STD tested and leave his skank a$$.

Lawyer up and get what you can from him.


----------

