# Considering Separation



## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

Wow, never thought I'd be posting on here... but here goes. A while ago, I was posting on here because I was trying to cope with my husband's emotional affair and fix our relationship. It is a long, long story that would take you all hours to read, so I'll skip to the end. After almost two years of suffering, I finally talked my husband into going to see a marriage counselor and things started looking up. Looked up so well in fact that the counselor told us we didn't need counseling anymore. I was finally rebuilding my trust. I'm sure you have predicted there would be a 'but' right about now, so here it is... BUT, now I have been finding small things that I don't quite feel good about. 

First of all, he has been talking to his friend (who is a girl) from England (where he is also from). He used to like her, but she didn't want to date him. They had casual sex before he met me and after he did meet me, she wanted him to leave me for her. But he turned her down. Years later, I met her and we got along, she seemed to treat us as a legitimate couple. Now, they talk to each other almost every night. Since the previous affair, my husband has given me access to his Facebook, which I appreciated since it was an attempt to gain trust. While most of their conversation is harmless, a few messages will say things like, "I miss you" and have hearts and be very reminiscent. More recently, when they were discussing movies, he told her that he would take her to a movie when she visited. (which she has been planning to do in a year or two and I'm still not sure if I'm comfortable with). And, if you were talking like a married man, wouldn't you say something along the lines of "Oh, how about we all go out to a movie when you get here?" It almost makes me feel like I don't need to be involved. I approached him about some of these things, but he shrugs it off and assures me that she knows that he means 'we' when he says 'I' and that she knows he's happily married. He's also broken two promises (which was normality when he was in the affair). He and his friend had been wanting to Skype, with webcams and such. He promised me he would only do so when I was around. Low and behold, she unknowingly began planning a time for when I was at work and he agreed. I expressed my disapproval and he promised again that he wouldn't Skype. But that morning, I called him, asked what he was doing and he said he was setting up his Skype to talk to her. I got upset and he told me that they would wait, which I was somewhat grateful, but if I hadn't have said anything, he would've gone and done it anyway.

Not only that, my husband recently has been going to his old work (where the brunt of his emotional affair took place). The girl he had the affair with has been there almost everytime, and he's told me this and he says he ignores her. However, one time he took our three year old son there and (this is from my husband's mouth btw) he spotted the girl, shouted her name across the store and waved at her. I questioned this because my husband had told me before that our son had only ever been around this girl a few times. How can a three year old, who doesn't even remember what he had for breakfast, remember a girl who he supposedly hasn't seen in many months?

Not only THAT, but other, smaller things have taken place. Such as adding another girl to his Facebook when he knew I was uncomfortable with it. He's been asking to talk to his Xbox friend again (who was a girl) even after I caught them talking VERY inappropriately to each other.

He's not completely a bad guy though. When he does think of me, he can be very sweet. And he is a wonderful father. I once sent him a text telling him how thirsty I was and he dropped everything to bring me a drink at my work. Things like that lets me know that he does love me and he does think of me, but the other instances I've explained above just brings me right back down. 

I've told him on many occasions how I'm trying to get better with my trust and all the other issues this affair has caused, but he seems to not care or not try to help me. He seems to have blinders on when he talks to these 'friends' and doesn't realize he's married sometimes. I'm so utterly exhausted trying to fix and fix and fix. I'm almost to the point where I don't care anymore and that isn't a good thing. I don't know if a trial separation is in order, but I don't know what else to do. I told him before that I was on my last straw and I'm just at a loss now. If anyone has advice, or similar stories or anything to just relate, feel free. If I'm the one in the wrong and just need to trust him, let me know.


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## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

When I said "On here" twice... I should've elaborated.. When I said I was posting on here before, I meant the coping with affairs forum section, not the separation...


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds like you are putting quite a bit of pressure on your husband and have an issue with jealousy. Why not instead focus on building attraction with your husband? Not only will it help bring him emotionally closer to you (so he won't have the same need to look elsewhere) but it will make you feel better as well.
How about creating some excitement, passion and fun in your marriage? Do some of the things you used to do that you enjoyed together. 
Don't push him away with your feelings of insecurity and jealousy - it can be a self fulfilling prophecy.


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## saidiecat (Sep 6, 2011)

LiamN said:


> It sounds like you are putting quite a bit of pressure on your husband and have an issue with jealousy. Why not instead focus on building attraction with your husband? Not only will it help bring him emotionally closer to you (so he won't have the same need to look elsewhere) but it will make you feel better as well.
> How about creating some excitement, passion and fun in your marriage? Do some of the things you used to do that you enjoyed together.
> Don't push him away with your feelings of insecurity and jealousy - it can be a self fulfilling prophecy.



I've tried. We still love doing things together. We go to the movies, rent movies (we love movies), go out to lunch, etc. I give him the option of joining in any and everything that I do and vice versa. Somethings, like helping my grandma clean her house, he's not too interested in and thats his decision and I don't get mad or anything over that. And yes, maybe it does sound like I'm putting pressure on him, but after everything started looking up, I feel like he's letting it slip again and yes I put HE"S letting it slip for a purpose because I had to do most of the repairing before because he always thought everything was fine. I'm getting tired of trying to fix everything while he just goes along with it. (this is not just with our relationship, I fix everything from financial issues to his unemployment) And I never had a problem with trust or jealousy until the emotional affair. I've tried to get over it, tried to trust him again, but given the fact he's still somewhat talking to, or wanting to talk to, these other girls again, makes me feel like we're going round the bend again.

And I don't want to make it sound like I take charge over our relationship, but I have to, because he won't. He always thinks everything is fine, even though I try to tell him when I'm upset, try and communicate. I mean... today, he was whining (literally whining) at me because he wanted to be friends with his Xbox buddy again, even though I caught them talking about her masturbating and him, somewhat jokingly, wanting to watch. Is that jealousy or just caution? I don't get mad if he talks to a woman. I don't get mad if he flirts with a woman, which he does often. I get mad when it starts to feel weird. When it feels like I'm standing on the outside of his little 'friend circle'. I've always been close to him, but he's got this , almost like he forgets that he's married, when I'm not around. And when i continue to find things that are said or happen when I'm not around, thats when I feel insecure...


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## LiamN (Nov 5, 2012)

Yes, but how much of an EMOTIONAL connection to the two of you have? If you want to heal things between you, you're going to have to get beyond blaming and resenting him - somehow. That's really the bottom line. Things are not going to get better until you do that.
How do you do that? The first step is to decide you really are willing to take responsibility for your feelings and not blame him for them.
I don't mean to be blunt - I hope this helps.


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