# Cheating and Separation - need to know if I'm doing the right thing



## miserymars (Mar 20, 2017)

Sorry for the long post.
My husband and I have been married for 12 years this past February. This has been my only real relationship, as we got married the day I turned 21. I used to have lots of jealousy and anger issues, but with his help and support, have gotten pretty much over them. 

I cheated on him once, around the 7th year. I didn't want to give up my affair, but he persisted, and two weeks after moving out, we got back together. He also hooked up with two girls during that time. 

Last year in March, he went on what was supposed to be a work trip to New York, combined with a bit of space in the marriage (his grandfather had just died after a protracted illness, and he was having lots of trouble processing that grief. He also has anxiety issues). During the first two days, he wouldn't answer any of my calls, and the third day he called me in the middle of a full-blown panic attack to tell me he had been cheating on me with the friend of a friend, and the NY trip was to visit her, although he was staying at another apartment. He begged me to take him back, so I paid for a same-day ticket (I'm the breadwinner of the house, as he does freelance work). We worked through things, I thought, and were doing ok. 

Last summer, a girl musician got in contact with him for some production work. She's from another country, pretty in a basic, emo way and quite young (24, whereas we're both 33), and I was naturally a bit jealous. I talked to him about it, and he assured me nothing was going on, and kept working with her, which could prove beneficial for his career, as she is somewhat famous in the indie circuit, due to having been in some popular bands. They planned that she should come and record her first solo album. In order to cut down her costs and get more work done, she was going to stay with us for the two weeks she had off from work, in February (right before me my birthday/our 12th wedding anniversary). 

My husband had been increasingly distant for the past few months, saying that he had been repressing all the emotions from my cheating way back when, and from not being able to express his anger or resentment ever (since he was always dealing with my turbulent emotions). He said he felt like he was suddenly feeling angry at all those years, even though that's not the person I am today and he recognized my changes and the effort I've put into the marriage. Though he was acting similarly to when he had been cheating with the NY girl before (being secretive with his phone, coming to bed much later than me, texting all the time), I didn't snoop, because due to my previous jealous tendencies, I had promised never to do that again.

February came, the girl stayed with us, and we were in the middle of this crisis. About a week into her stay, we went out and I was hostile and angry, due to my jealousy and the tensions we were having as a couple. The next day there was a dance show I'd wanted to go to, but in the morning I told my husband to just take the girl, so as not to embarrass him the way I'd done the previous night. He took me up on the offer, which I had only made so that he'd ask me to go (I know, my bad), and left me crying hysterically in the house because he was going without me. 

The next day, he opened Facebook on my computer and left it open. At this point, I was beyond not snooping, and I found a message he'd sent her about having made out the night before. I confronted him, we had a screaming/crying match in the car, and he promised nothing more happened and nothing more would. I confronted the girl, to keep everything out in the open, and told her I knew. She started to book a flight back, but I told her not to, as I thought it had been a sacrifice to even do this trip, and despite everything, I wanted my husband to do the record, for his career. 

She stayed. Turns out they kept on at it. Predictably. We've had a rough couple of weeks after that, where (I found out last week via google photos) he was still texting with her on and off, although he says he's stopped that now.

I also found some emails he'd sent his best friend's sister (completely harmless, just links to articles and stuff), who he'd met in December, when they came for a visit. However, the emails had been deleted, and she won't accept my Facebook or Instagram requests. When I asked him if anything was going on with her, he said they were only friends. Why delete the emails, then? There weren't any pics of her or screenshots, though. Just of the musician girl.

Right now, he's in Texas (staying with said best friend, and where the sister lives), for 17 days, as a separation. I've been trying to work on things, but he doesn't even want to text me or call me during this time, saying: "I will not open myself up further. I want to close up and not deal with romance, relationship, etc. I want to be me. By myself. Not going up and down depending whether we're ok or whatever. I'll say hi every day, I can do that. I also care that you're okay. But I will block everything if I can't have my alone time". That was on Thursday. I haven't heard from him since or sent him anything, but I know he's active on social media. 

I know I should just be strong and break up with him for good. That's what conventional wisdom and common sense would say to do. We've been very codependent in the past. I know I'm terrified of being alone, especially as I don't have many friends and was mostly integrated into his social group. I know that the long time we've been together and since we were so young, is also influencing my thinking. I think I still love him, though. Should I respect not talking at all? I don't want to push him away any further, although I don't really think that's even possible. I haven't told anybody this, as it's very embarrassing, to start with, and also because I still hold out the hope that he might come to his senses. 

I also haven't been eating right, having relapsed into an ED I had pretty much under control, and working out twice a day, in the secret hope that when he comes back he'll be floored by how great I look. 

Reading this all out makes me sound so pathetic. I'm just so sad and lonely.

What should I do? It's over, isn't it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Geez, just end it already, its not worth it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Grant him his request. Stop communicating with him completely.

You need to end your marriage. Your marriage is broken beyond repair. Your husband is now a serial cheater and most likely will not stop. That especially since you actually went out of your way to ask one of his affair partners to stay in your home after you knew he was cheating on you. He has zero respect for you. That's pretty clear.

You say that you have few friends. That's easy, make more friends. Look at the website meetup.com Find things that you like to do and get out there an meet people.

Why do you want to hold on to someone who could really care less about you?


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Love cannot be willed into or out of existence. Exercising to look good will not change that. Your husband simply does not want to be married and have his life tied to yours. Did you pressure him to marry? Some women do that. Are you needy? Adults do not easily change after marriage so his traits had to be there before you married him. Love does blind us to each other's faults and that comes to bite us in the butt a lot of times.

As long as deep love is there, and a willingness to compromise, love will see you through. Unfortunately, a lot of people fall out of love as witnessed by our 50% divorce rate which does not count those staying married for the sake of the kids or financial reasons. Take a look at the stages of passion for a clue as to what happens to married people: How long does passion last? The four stages of love - TODAY.com


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gawd all-freakin' mighty!.....

Sorry to say you poisoned the marriage with your affair. He most likely never got over what you did. It ate away at him and he responded by going down a dark road and developing bad coping mechanisms, and now here you both are. 

I'm with the others. Divorce him and find a man who can satisfy you emotionally, sexually and financially.


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

Go find an attorney, don't cheap out here as you make more than him. Go find an attorney right away. Get your legal option. Take a deep breath, and file. Do not answer his calls or inform him of your filing just let him be served papers at his friends house asap.

You can do this. I wasn't the one to initiate my divorce but now that I'm months into it I can't wait to move on with my life. You'll get through this and we will be here to help you all the way and in a few years you'll be so much better off.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Secondguessing (Mar 6, 2017)

You started it - from the time of your first affair on, he had license to do whatever he wanted to do. I'm not saying you are a bad person but, other then mentioning your affair, your post is self-serving. And I confirm how the anger never goes away as long as the trigger for it is there. You are the trigger for his anger.

IMO - you should divorce him.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You instigated the whole deal by your original unfaithfulness, and by doing so, you gave him an inch, and he took a damned mile!

You are now his primordial "Plan B!" Having said that, you need to forestall further grief and heartache by ending this sham of a marriage!

Get to a lawyers office and file your divorce papers pronto!*


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Woman, you should of left that marriage before you cheated. Anyhow, you should have left that marriage the first time you knew he was seeking others. Anyhow, you should have left that marriage when he was in NYC seeing OW...get the picture?


Prolly not, sigh

You didn't have a marriage after YOU cheated. You destroyed it. He simply followed your lead. End this sham of a marriage yesterday and seek professional help. 


I hope you find peace and emotional health in your future so that you can experience what a true marriage is!

Do you have kids with this man? I honestly hope not because you will probably raise them alone and with no monetary help from him.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

So you cheated once which devastated him, and since then he has cheated 3 and maybe 4 times and may be cheating again now with this mans sister. This marriage is a car wreck. I honestly dont think either of you are mature enough for marriage. 
Adultery destroys marriage.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

miserymars said:


> Sorry for the long post.
> My husband and I have been married for 12 years this past February. This has been my only real relationship, as we got married the day I turned 21. I used to have lots of jealousy and anger issues, but with his help and support, have gotten pretty much over them.
> 
> I cheated on him once, around the 7th year. I didn't want to give up my affair, but he persisted, and two weeks after moving out, we got back together. He also hooked up with two girls during that time.
> ...


YOu are not sad and pathetic, your husband has treated you very badly using your history (affair) against you but his activities are all very current.
He has shown you who he is, he is not to be trusted. He is a serial cheat and has probably got many other instances which you don't know of.

In response to him demanding space, I would quietly just go to a lawyer, and say you can have all the space you need, I will not be treated like this, nor will I be someones Plan B and send him the papers. Move on with your life. He wants to have his cake and eat it and obviously doesn't care that he hurts you. To mess around with someone who is staying in your house , leaving love aside it displays absolutely no respect for you. The marriage is over, I am sorry.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'm getting the sense that some here are suggesting that her affair was for a legitimate reason, and that he cheated just because he is a scumbag. 

Cheating is cheating, whether it is a LTA or serial... 

She and him are both equally culpable for the destruction of this marriage.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bandit.45 said:


> I'm getting the sense that some here are suggesting that her affair was for a legitimate reason, and that he cheated just because he is a scumbag.
> 
> Cheating is cheating, whether it is a LTA or serial...
> 
> She and him are both equally culpable for the destruction of this marriage.


I agree, there is no legitimate reason for cheating anyway. :|


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Geez, just end it already, its not worth it.


Nothing more needs be said.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Great! Then neglect, abuse and such also gives a license to cheat as they are also damaging or is it cheating gets its own pedestal like a snowflake. Btw, I am not discounting that her cheating had adverse affect on him at all and we clearly do not know the extent or if he has gotten over it or not. But other posters should remember this, do not forget to blame the BS when it comes to other behavior as well and fvck that cheating is the only form of betrayal. Neglect is a rejection of love, abuse is the destruction of a possible WS's mental health.

Btw OP, divorce is the only solution at this point in time. You have hopefully changed, learned, and move on. If you have the self-awareness of your issues, then you can be a better spouse, just not towards him. Let the house burn and build a new one with a better foundation. You are not left with this relationship as a choice. He is not the man he was before and that is something you have to accept. He may have cheated on you because of your own cheating and the others may have been because studies shows that female bread winners tend to get cheated on by their husbands. The fact is we do not know and you do not know how honest he will be but that is his own issue to work on. He may have cheated recently because he wanted to feel more masculine because he may resent your success and is jealous. See, we do not know and it may be he never recovered.

But, life is about learning and changing. So change, and move on as simple as it is and yet hard to do.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tit for tat, she did this he did that...

They are both screw-ups. They need to end it and do some growing up before they take those same bad coping behaviors into new relationships.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

aine said:


> YOu are not sad and pathetic, your husband has treated you very badly using your history (affair) against you but his activities are all very current.
> He has shown you who he is, he is not to be trusted. He is a serial cheat and has probably got many other instances which you don't know of.
> 
> In response to him demanding space, I would quietly just go to a lawyer, and say you can have all the space you need, I will not be treated like this, nor will I be someones Plan B and send him the papers. Move on with your life. He wants to have his cake and eat it and obviously doesn't care that he hurts you. To mess around with someone who is staying in your house , leaving love aside it displays absolutely no respect for you. The marriage is over, I am sorry.


This. Given that the two of you were separated for only two weeks after your initial affair, and _in that time period he slept with not one but two women in that time span_, my spidey sense is tingling. I think it is very, VERY likely that he had already cheated on you before your affair. And it sounds like he took your affair and decided that it was a license for him to cheat, and to cheat flagrantly.

He doesn't want to be married to you. He's not going to come back. He's trying to be a "good guy" by saying that he still cares about you and that he'll say hi, but he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you--it's just more lies. He obviously isn't staying in touch, if you haven't heard from him in a week. He's done with the marriage and he's done with you. I know that's hard to hear, but you need to accept the reality of your situation. You can't push him away any further, because he's already gone.

Sometimes the person we want the most in our life is the person we are best off without. Don't chase him or waste time wishing that you could get him back. The two of you are clearly bad for one another; it's a toxic relationship that feeds off of dysfunction. Whatever the two of you once had, it's broken beyond repair. You need to let it go.

There are 4 things that you need to do IMMEDIATELY:

1) Cease any and all contact with him.

2) Consult a lawyer immediately. You need to get ahead of him on this and protect yourself. The person who files first usually has the upper hand.

3) Based on your lawyer's recommendations, do whatever you need to so secure/protect your share of marital assets. If you don't already have one, open a bank account that's only in your name (AT A DIFFERENT BANK) and start putting your paycheck into it; take your name off or close any joint credit accounts, so he can't run up any additional debt in your name; if you have any joint checking/savings, you may want to take out your half before he has the chance to drain the accounts (check with a lawyer on this). You have no idea what he will do when you serve him with divorce papers.

4) Get yourself into individual counseling. You need help working through the emotional aftermath from a toxic relationship, and just as important, you clearly brought a lot of issues into the marriage. You say you mostly have gotten over them, but from reading your post, I'm not sure that you have. You need to focus on making yourself better and taking care of you.

Good luck. *Hugs*


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

You said you cheated on him, and you didn't want to give it up but he persisted.

Why would you write that other than to be inflammatory?

It doesn't add anything to the story.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

stixx said:


> You said you cheated on him, and you didn't want to give it up but he persisted.
> 
> Why would you write that other than to be inflammatory?
> 
> It doesn't add anything to the story.


It helps us understand their co-dependent behaviors. They were two messed up people who married and created a very dysfunctional version of a marriage (great example of what a marriage shouldn't be though). It was doomed from the beginning.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> It helps us understand their co-dependent behaviors.


I think she wrote it so that we'd know she'd still be with the guy she cheated on him with if he hadn't persisted in getting her to break up the affair.

Now, why would she want us to know that she has no qualms about cheating on her husband and would still be cheating on him if it was up to her?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Best thing to do it end it and reassess. Neither one of you was ready to be married I think, it may be possible if you hadn't cheated he would have felt loyal enough not to but once you opened up Pandora's box I think he decided to act on his lesser tendencies. 

All you can do is work on you. 

One thing I find interesting from your post is this line



> I didn't want to give up my affair, but he persisted, and two weeks after moving out, we got back together.


That doesn't make you sound very remorseful. Makes it sound like you decided to sacrifice your affair to be with him. I wonder if he knows this and is resentful. Or even more so he vindictively is getting you back. This is one reason why I could never R, I am way to vindictive. What he is doing is abuse though and you should leave him. 

As far as your feeling about your affair this is something you need to deal with because it's doesn't show clear remorse. You must understand that much of the sorrow you have felt all began with your cheating. You must fix what it is in you that started you down this path so you can have a better faithful relationship with someone else in the future.


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