# Husband not much into sex anymore... (2)



## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

After puzzling it out for a while, I think I may have a clue about my husband's lack of action in the bedroom. :scratchhead:

Quick recap: I get it rarely, once a month would be regular. See previous thread for details. 

So there seems to be something in his mindset that makes him not into it, whereas he's been into it on vacation or in random (but rare) situations. I'm starting to think that he has expectations of hot, I-just-met-you sex. That's what turns him on, that's what he wants, and routine is not an aphrodesiac. In the beginning, we were like rabbits. Sometimes while on vacation, we were like that as well. At home it dies out quickly. Doing the extra work to get us started doesn't seem worth it, he doesn't seem to want to work for it. In the past he was a very generous lover so I don't think it's pure selfishness, but more an expectation and perhaps what he's used to. After all, he and I met at age 27/26 and we both had spent much of our 20's dating and he hadn't had a relationship longer than 7 months. If you think about it that way, most of our previous experience with sex was new-relationship sex.

So I'm guessing the mindset is that he wants it but he wants it somehow to always be red-hot from the start and routine kills it, in short. Our reaction to bad incidents also have hurt our sex life and sometimes our heads get in the way when we try. 

If I have it figured out, at least I may be closer to understanding what to expect... and a possible solution? I'm thinking maybe I can try to talk to him about this but we are talking about a mini vacation at the end of the month and I don't want to make things wierd that might inhibit possible great vacation sex, since sex is something I get so rarely nowadays...

...but at the same time I always play the waiting game, thinking if I play it cool things will get better or I'll talk to him another time. I want things to go well during vacation, then maybe I can bring it up afterwards. Can that help it?

How do you tell your spouse that the problem originates in their head and they need to fix their mindset or your sex life will suck forever? Especially in my situation where his main issue that he's sensitive is me pointing the blame at him.

What to do?????


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Roooth,

I am with you and I appreciate your feedback on my thread(s). I have the same issue. If I try to discuss it with her reasonably she breaks down and says that I think she is "broken". But how the heck do you fix a problem if you cannot define the solution??

Is he more receptive after sex? I have seen several people on here mention that their husbands are more receptive to discussion after intimacy. Of course that is tough if you aren't having sex.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Hmmm, that's a thought. I never brought it up after sex b/c it's such a nice moment, I don't want to ruin it. Still, I could try...

We'll have sex again evenutally, maybe in a month on vacation...


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Ack, I just re-read my post. How do you fix something if you cannot define the PROBLEM.. Sheesh..


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

This truly is a dead end if sex is the focus. In long running marriage, sex is a symptom. Get the relationship and communication spiced up and Hot Sex will follow, the way you both want it to happen. Ignore the relationship and communication to some degree and to that degree the sex life will suffer. It is easier to find out what each other wants out of the day to day relationship and fix that then to try to magically make sex what you want it to be. 

Truly, it is putting the carriage before the horse to ignore the situation in the marriage relationship. 

My wife and I are talking about doing something fun and exhilarating together for our birthdays together. I will be 32 in two weeks and she will be 30 in 4 weeks from the time of this post. I am banking on our daily efforts to improve our relational partnership and the new adventure we are planning to turn up the heat for our sex life. I hope this advice helps.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Same problem here.

I was focused so much on the SEX issue in of itself, that I was blind to why SEX became an issue (lack thereof) in the first place.

I've started focusing on WHY SEX is now an issue, not the fact that no sex is an issue.

This allows me to not focus so much on SEX itself, but how to improve my marriage which will in turn lead to more desire and the want to have sex with my wife way of thinking.

So I've pretty much taken the lack of sex off the table. I no longer obsess about it to myself, think of it all the time or worry if I'm going to get any or not. I've relaxed.

And in the meantime, I've focused more on re-establishing the relationship between my husband and I and improving communication. This will be my focus - once that is fixed, I am hoping that the SEX part will naturally repair itself also.

We'll see...


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## Rough Patch Sewing (Apr 18, 2011)

I will testify that taking the strategy of fixing the relational problems results in a better sex life. In fact there have been times where I could not perform simply because I had an unresolved issue with my wife or that I had an emotional need that needed to be resolved prior to making love.

It worked for me on those occasions and it definitely works for my wife.

I look forward to reading about every poster's results.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Guys, thank you so much and I think what you said is the case much of the time, maybe 80-90% of the time and it is very smart to look at the relationship issues. I know if I don't feel that things are right, I don't want to be intimate with the person... but unfortunatly, this does not help!!! 

We have a really great relationship. Everything is going well. When we've been on vacation in the past, we've had crazy good sex and lots of it. We affirm each other and spend time together and talk about problems that come up. We're extremely affectionate and spend time each night/morning cuddling close - touch is our "love language" and I think this may be where he gets much of his intimacy needs, and it's also why I don't need sex often, although more often would be nice. We hold hands when we go out and attend church and rarely argue although we had a few downer days about 2 months ago but I think that's because I was stressed and I fixed up my attitude. He tells me he likes our life and we say I love you all the time... etc etc etc. We don't have kids and we have a little money stress but I think we're handling it well.

All in all, the relationship is really together. Sex dwindled in spite of that and this is why it's so hard for me to understand. :scratchhead:

I wish I had something to work on but I don't see anything! And he's not the type of guy that fakes happy. He lets me know when he's not pleased with me. So yeah, you guys are right but for my situation, it doesn't seem that I can fix it by working on other problems.


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## baloo (May 19, 2010)

So Roooth, did your recent experience support your hypothesis (I.e., red-hot from the start)?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I swear I should get the missus on a show "How to turn your stubborn-ass hubby into a sex machine"

Would you like to know more?
Heh starship troopers

These threads I've written in response to like a dozen times


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah I gotta disagree a bit. I will never get to the bottom of my list of things she thinks I should fix. The point of list is it's never done and she needn't concern herself with worrying about that day I get a passing grade. Not gonna happen. After decades of no discernible sexual response in wife at all, if through some magical process or alien abduction she had one, I'd laugh in her face. I wouldn't bother for a second pretending to reciprocate. It's a trap.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

rooth, i am becoming the same way your husband is concerning sex. i have alot of resentment towards my wife concerning some non-sex related problems and its killing my drive to be intimate with her. i would guess she would never put two and two together and understand this, even though i have explained it to her several times. it just never changes. can you try to see if he might be harboring any resentment towards you?

before i get whacked over the head. i have asked my wife what i need to work on for her numerous times, and she doesnt give me much feedback. if she wont open up to me there is nothing i can do at that point.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

baloo said:


> So Roooth, did your recent experience support your hypothesis (I.e., red-hot from the start)?


Baloo,

It didn't hurt the hypothesis. I was into it because I am going CRAZY WITH HORMONES!!! I was kind of surprised he let me do it, actually; usually I get turned down and he has to be wanting it and start it. So it was a bit different but I'm not sure. I know that it ended up being very good and that's probably because I was very into it. 

Unfortunately, now I'm going crazy. When my expectations are low, I can kind of turn off my drive and not want it for up to 2 months, but then it hits me, like right now. Or if I have really good sex, then I want to do it again many times over the next week, have a marathon, etc. So now it's like I got myself "started" and I don't want to come onto him again. I am feeling more and more a strong need to feel desired sexually. I find that I'm fantasizing about every and any cute guy I see and the fantasy is them coming on strong. I had a nice looking man with incredible blue eyes yesterday tell me he thought I was beautiful. I fantasized about him for the rest of the day until I had some "alone time" later.

The strength of my frustrated sexuality and need to be desired is scaring me a little bit because I don't ever want to cheat or hurt my dear husband. But I want someone to come up, rip my clothes off, throw me on the bed... etc., make me feel beautiful and sexy. 

I believe I've made it clear to my husband that I'm hoping for crazy good vacation sex in 2 weeks when we go and that's been a good venue for us. We've had 2 good sessions in the past month or so and things feel relaxed. I hope we're on the road to better things and I'm thinking at that time I can tell him in a good way that I want and need to feel desired sometimes (hopefully I'll be able to refer to him making me feel that way on vacation). I'm also thinking perhaps some toys will help me quell my hunger. I feel like a teenaged hormone volcano... but I can't always be the aggressor. That makes me desire attention elsewhere.

Sorry, went off the topic from your question, but we'll see. It will take some time to see how this goes. Wish me luck PLEASE! Hopefully my hormones calm down quickly!


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I swear I should get the missus on a show "How to turn your stubborn-ass hubby into a sex machine"
> 
> Would you like to know more?
> Heh starship troopers
> ...


Random Dude,

Care to provide a link or two? I'm totally open for advice. Seriously. I feel like I'm going to explode. A return to our earlier days, even briefly would go a long way...

~Roooth


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> rooth, i am becoming the same way your husband is concerning sex. i have alot of resentment towards my wife concerning some non-sex related problems and its killing my drive to be intimate with her. i would guess she would never put two and two together and understand this, even though i have explained it to her several times. it just never changes. can you try to see if he might be harboring any resentment towards you?
> 
> before i get whacked over the head. i have asked my wife what i need to work on for her numerous times, and she doesnt give me much feedback. if she wont open up to me there is nothing i can do at that point.


Ok,

I won't "whack you over the head" - your question is absolutely ligitimate. I believe the answer is no and I am *very receptive* to advice and contrustive criticism. It's a strong part of my personality. Generally we really like our relationship. If he is harboring resentment (and there is some negative build up in the bedroom area), he won't open up about that. I've asked calmly and he didn't have much to say and didn't seem to think it was a big deal from his reaction. It makes me wonder if I should just be content, but as you can see from my earlier post, a recent good round in the bedroom has left me feeling like a rampaging bag of hormones. Anyway...

So yeah, there are no outstanding issues to work on that I know of, and he's extremely affectionate at night which is our "love language." If I knew or could think of something, it would be a relief because I would fix it. 

~Roooth


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## Diva21 (Jun 11, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Same problem here.
> 
> I was focused so much on the SEX issue in of itself, that I was blind to why SEX became an issue (lack thereof) in the first place.
> 
> ...


Hi, new here, 31 years old, married 3 years, husband no longer interested. This is the place I'm TRYING to get to. It's so difficult.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Funny thing, I think this may be getting better. Two times this month now - and he initiated! we'll see but I'm very encouraged and I think the most important thing I did was to stop being emotional and having stress around it, such that I was able to get out of my head when we were trying. That took some work.

But I do agree that the rest of the relationship has to be good. Diva - I feel for you. It's hard not to feel wanted or desired. I would think for anyone not being wanted by her husband, it would be very important to look at the relationship carefully and see what's going on first. 

Our relationship is really good all around so I was trying to figure out the sex thing. I think he also wants to feel desired and that I'm into it. Getting out of my head helped that.


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