# East Indians in America live with in laws yet low rate of divorce why?



## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

I know many East Indians who are married, live with there in laws and even there husbands grand parents sometimes and yet the low rate of divorce?

It's funny because you have more westernized woman who cheat, are on depression pills, and abandon there families.

Why are the East Indians more successful in marriage than Americans?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

How do you know that they are more successful? They may just be remaining married out of fear or cultural obligation. I don't know how that is good.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

This is what you come up with because posters question why a man in his 30s with a wife and child still lives with his mother and father?


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

richie33 said:


> This is what you come up with because posters question why a man in his 30s with a wife and child still lives with his mother and father?


I speak the TRUTH Rich


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> How do you know that they are more successful? They may just be remaining married out of fear or cultural obligation. I don't know how that is good.


Lower divorce rates, lower cheating rates.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Boxing judge said:


> Lower divorce rates, lower cheating rates.


Shrug. If that is good enough for you.


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## NewLife2017 (Aug 16, 2014)

Let's try a different approach. You do NOT live in the US & you are not East Indian.

Your WIFE want's a house of her own. YOU tried to manipulate her to get YOUR way. She & your mother will probably get along when SHE has a house of her own and she may consider helping your mother if/when she is unable to care for herself (maybe/maybe not). That is for the future. But right now, would you please stop already with the deflection? Take responsibility, get out of your parents house & save your marriage. SHE is your wife & she is very unhappy. That should be what's important to YOU!

The posters are not your enemy. They are trying to help. What I notice is that you're not getting validation so you keep trying with different posts. There is years of experience & knowledge here no matter where you live. Good Grief!:banghead:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I guess you'd have to ask an old married couple from India.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

Funny you only mentioned women that cheat.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would love to see the statistics you are basing your post from. From what has been posted on this site, it's very difficult to be a divorced woman in that culture and not an easy choice to make. I would also assume that asking for help with depression is still a taboo as in many other cultures. That doesn't mean people are not depressed or happy in their marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

Pride, honor, and disgrace!!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Yet, your wife is unhappy, begs you to move and you want to force her to have another child. That sounds like such a great marriage


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Boxing judge said:


> I speak the TRUTH Rich


Your TRUTH. Being an only child you must not have been told you are wrong a lot growing up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Interesting. 

EASTERN versus WESTERN PHILOSOPHY: Differences and Similarities. Cultural Intelligence, World Cultures comparison by Anastasia Bibikova and Vadim Kotelnikov


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Boxing judge said:


> I know many East Indians who are married, live with there in laws and even there husbands grand parents sometimes and yet the low rate of divorce?
> 
> It's funny because you have more westernized woman who cheat, are on depression pills, and abandon there families.
> 
> Why are the East Indians more successful in marriage than Americans?


They arent more successful in marriage. Many women who divorce in this culture are completely ostracized by the rest of the community. They stay with the men out of fear many times.

Thats not success in my books.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read several other posts you made before I decided to respond. It's understandable that your wife would like a home for her own family, even if your parents are great.

After all, there's a time to build a nest for your own family and leave the old nest behind. C'mon ... even birds toss their fledglings out of the nest.

But you are negotiating with a yet-to-be-conceived child. Children, born or not, are not bargaining chips. You already have one child, why do you need another before you can get a place of your own?

As far as caring for your parents in their old age or if they become ill ... well, I don't have a major problem with that. Are they financially capable of going into assisted living? Seniors can have many health problems. Oftentimes, it is better if they are in a facility that offers medical care.

Have you considered that? Because my guess is you would expect your wife to play nurse to your parents if you are holding down a full-time job.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Not everyone is the same, but we all have the same rights.

We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness; ...

Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## hardcandy (Sep 16, 2014)

Do these East Indian women have an education? 4-year college in America?

Do these East Indian women make a living that is not minimum wage full-time? Are they career professionals?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Boxing judge said:


> I know many East Indians who are married, live with there in laws and even there husbands grand parents sometimes and yet the low rate of divorce?
> 
> It's funny because you have more westernized woman who cheat, are on depression pills, and abandon there families.
> 
> Why are the East Indians more successful in marriage than Americans?


They do not have more successful marriages. Just because a couple stays married does not mean that the marriage is a success. 

In the East Indian culture divorce is not accepted except in the most extreme cases. A man can beat his wife to a pulp, but even her family will not support a divorce. Either of one of them can abuse the other and they cannot divorce because of family and social pressure.

We've had both men and women from that culture post here in terrible marriages, yet they say that they cannot divorce even though they want to.


People measure success in different ways. 

Some measure success in just the length of time a couple stays together. How they treat each other does not seem to matter.

Others measure marital success based on how good a couple is to each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Boxing judge said:


> Lower divorce rates, lower cheating rates.


And yet we have had men from India post here to say that there is ramped cheating but everyone keeps it hush, hush.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I know nothing of east indian culture but I would bet you a dime it has to do with a culture of women being denied equality to men.

To deny rights in order to preserve marriage is not how it works in the U.S.A.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Where women of India rule the roost and men demand gender equality | World news | Guardian Weekly


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## Enoxprin (Apr 8, 2014)

I'm from India and I can tell you that most of those marriages are not happy. Our people care a lot about perception and what you see in public might not be true. My parents been married for 27 years, they can't stand each other, sleep in different bedrooms but they would not get a divorce because of how it will look. They live in US and to other people their life's are perfect. They have 3 kids in college, good jobs, they get along perfect when they go out but at home they don't say two words to each other... 


Other examples: none of my uncles have happy marriages, and don't even get me started on my cousins because my cousins are from this generation I feel like if they are unhappy they should do something about it but they stay in the marriage because of family, friends, kids, parents. One of my cousin, she had an arranged marriage with this guy who turned out to have mental issues and her parents refused to let her leave him. Her own parents said that if she leaves him then she is dead to them so she stayed. 

What is seen is not always true.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I will speak to you man to man and culture to culture.

I do not believe that a being a mommas boy is helping anyone to remain married. It is obviously a point of conflict in your own marriage that you are choosing to ignore because divorce is so taboo in your culture that you know your wife has little choice but to put up with a sissy boy.

You are using a cultural pressure on your wife to force her to your will. You are abusive in my opinion.

I am from a culture where women can and do exercise their free will and have only been married once and very successfully to this day.

I do not have to bring cultural pressure on my wife to have her stay with me or to accomplish having children.

I honor my wife above all others and no one has a say in our marriage except her and I. My wife is subject to no one else on earth but me and I love her with all my heart. She stays with me because I am worth it , not because of any cultural restraint.

If I was a mommas boy like you, she might get fed up and eventually leave because, unlike your wife, she has more freedom and does not have to put up with such a distasteful situation as your wife does.

I sincerely hope you take the time to learn to love your wife because you are certainly not loving her now.

Why don't you listen to her? Do you think she is inferior to you?

My wife is very wise and I have benefitted greatly from her wisdom.

Your wife sounds smarter than you in that she knows you need your own home.

I love my mother and she is a big part of our lives but she does not interfere with my marriage, nor would she want to.

I am more successful in marriage than you because I have retained a happy wife in a culture where she could walk anytime she chooses but instead she chooses me.

Can you say the same?

If you were married to a truly free American woman, would you be attractive enough for her to stay with you?

I don't believe you could compete in my arena. You talk of east indian marriages. I could easily keep a wife in your culture but could you keep a wife in mine?

Be careful in your comparisons. I don't believe you would be successful in my arena and I am positive that I would be in yours.

Learn to love and cherish your wife above your parents and anyone else. No one else on earth is as close to you and has such a potential to help you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Another thing to remember Boxing, is that your parents will not live forever. At some point you will be alone with your wife. She will be the person you depend on for a lot of things. In your old age, she's the one who will take care of you.


If you continue to not respect and not show love for her, what do you think your old age will be like? You will be with someone who is angry and bitter with you.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I will speak to you man to man and culture to culture.
> 
> I do not believe that a being a mommas boy is helping anyone to remain married. It is obviously a point of conflict in your own marriage that you are choosing to ignore because divorce is so taboo in your culture that you know your wife has little choice but to put up with a sissy boy.
> 
> ...


That was sweet and all mannish all at once.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Another thing to remember Boxing, is that your parents will not live forever. At some point you will be alone with your wife. She will be the person you depend on for a lot of things. In your old age, she's the one who will take care of you.
> 
> 
> If you continue to not respect and not show love for her, what do you think your old age will be like? You will be with someone who is angry and bitter with you.


I don't think he realizes what kind of marriage he is creating. She may not leave him but if he keeps this up she will also not have any respect or love for him. He needs to man up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I think you should get a divorce and make yourself into the man you want to be. Learn to live on your own. Be as self-sufficient as you can. Then, you will likely find a woman who you want to love. I don't think it will be the woman you are married to now.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Let's begin by saying I'm the closest thing you will find to a Desi; I'm European living in the USA with an understanding of Indian culture that dwarves that of most any non Indian...

I do agree with your assessment and indeed, I know well over 100 Indian couples very well and know of one divorce. One where parents were not the issue at all as a matter of fact.

In one word - tolerance - and in two words - expectation management. 

The Desis I know in the USA live very carefully scripted lives. Two kids, working wife, suburban home, no pets , and so on. With very few exceptions they're not strongly opinionated like other ethnic groups or know how to deal with it. 

There's very little drama. They wisely leave drama to Bollywood.

I've known the same guys for 30 years. I drove them to the airport to fly home and get married. I was the one to pick them up, new bride and all. I have seen them, and by virtue of a good match and similar upbringing they're pretty compatible from the beginning.

I even have seen success in a few inter cultural marriages. They choose well. We westerners go for the high drama and often fail epically... They have a good sense of humor, they're analytical and deliberate, and manage things well.

Parents have little to do with it. But it takes special people to be living with their folks for six months at a time in a 1000 sq ft apartment. I grew up in one of those. I had no problem with it.

It also helps that Desis I know at least are all professional / technical smart people used to calm thinking. 

Now let's have some Old Monk


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> I will speak to you man to man and culture to culture.
> 
> I do not believe that a being a mommas boy is helping anyone to remain married. It is obviously a point of conflict in your own marriage that you are choosing to ignore because divorce is so taboo in your culture that you know your wife has little choice but to put up with a sissy boy.
> 
> ...



Lol :rofl:


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

john117 said:


> Let's begin by saying I'm the closest thing you will find to a Desi; I'm European living in the USA with an understanding of Indian culture that dwarves that of most any non Indian...
> 
> I do agree with your assessment and indeed, I know well over 100 Indian couples very well and know of one divorce. One where parents were not the issue at all as a matter of fact.
> 
> ...


 I have worked with many southern Indians from Kerala over the years and I agree with your assessment 100%! They are all very scripted as you said.

All drive Japanese Cars
All live in big homes with in laws ( When they get enough money)
Most work 2 jobs even the woman
All go to Church on Sundays
One of there biggest flaws is they love to show off to there community

As you said the woman do not appear to have very strong personalities and are for the most part drama free. I agree it takes special people to live in a cramped apartment for 6 months. These people for the most part have a good perspective on life.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Boxing judge said:


> These people for the most part have a good perspective on life.


It's too bad that you do not.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Boxing judge said:


> Lol :rofl:


How immature of you, you don't like to hear different opinions?

If you want a happy marriage you need to value your wife, that's all you have to do. But, you don't and therefore refuse to give her the very basic, a home. 

If your post was true about your culture having happier marriages you wouldn't be here. I was going to say looking for advice, but what you are looking for is for people to agree with you, since they don't you make yourself believe everyone is wrong and you are right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm an East Indian in America and am divorced. 

Oops! Sorry for mixing up your stereotype. 

It took me a WHILE to get divorced, and instead, I remained in an unhappy marriage for a long time, rather than seek the help I needed. I assumed that divorce wasn't an option so I never tried in my marriage. Eventually my ex-wife got sick of me. 

Next time around, I will be afraid of divorce; not because I expect or want it to happen again. But by being afraid of divorce you do everything possible to avoid it, rather than know it won't.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

From what I have seen, it does not come to that. Not very often at least.

With a larger house having in laws or parents around is not an issue. Not unless the oldsters want to be manipulative or controlling or... Besides having oldsters around helps get them citizenship which helps other family members etc.

I know a few friends who had a parent live with them. The extra help saved them sh!tloads in daycare and helped both husband and wife careers as well.

It depends on the parents I suppose. One of my wife's friends has 3 kids under 12 and her career requires travel every month. Without live in help it's not feasible. 

American objections to such living arrangements are mostly based on our "fear" of living near other people. I have two kids in college and you can readily tell which kids are used to living close to other people and which are not.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

This is pathetic


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

ellaenchanted said:


> This is pathetic



Multigenerational housing is a reality. A friend is paying $22k a year for two daycare kids. Do that for a minimum of 6 years and all of a sudden it does not look quite as pathetic.

But you have to have the right parents or in laws. In my friends case the kind of mother that dragged a manual coconut grater all the way from Goa just because grated coconut here did not meet her approval . But she raised two awesome kids...

It's not for everyone. But for some people it does work.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Boxing judge said:


> Lol :rofl:


Wow - until this I thought maybe you were just selfish but now I think you are a misogynist too. You think it's funny to show respect to a woman and what she wants? I sincerely hope your wife leaves you for her sake.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

firebelly1 said:


> Wow - until this I thought maybe you were just selfish but now I think you are a misogynist too. You think it's funny to show respect to a woman and what she wants? I sincerely hope your wife leaves you for her sake.


I don't think he likes his wife all that much. If fact, I think he's bitter and resentful. In another thread he stated that he married her because he knocked her up.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Boxing judge said:


> Lower divorce rates, lower cheating rates.


Then divorce your wife. Marry an East Indian woman and live with her family....case closed...


OR

You can man up, get off your mom's teet, step forward as the head of a household. Be a FATHER and HUSBAND in a household FIRST and be a son later.

Seriously man....grow up. 

Look I don't doubt you have a great family. BUT it's time to move out. It's time to "go off to college" and find your way.

I would go CRAZY if I had to live with my parents. I wouldn't feel like the man of the house if my dad was always there.


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## ellaenchanted (Sep 7, 2014)

OP, be a real man.... That is a huge turn off. I would never marry a guy that won't even provide the basic a HOME!? 
If you're such a mummy's boy, divorce your wife and live with your parents forever. Not that hard, just don't make your wife's life hell just because of your own issues. 
You seem to have a lot of growing up to do. 
You're not the only one that has culture, I do too but it's invalid now it's 2014 and life doesn't work based on culture anymore


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I'm not Gunga Din but I do know some Indian adult males and they are among the hardest working folks I've ever met. Can't imagine any Indian father who's expectation for his 30 year old son is that he remain dependent.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Boxing judge said:


> I know many East Indians who are married, live with there in laws and even there husbands grand parents sometimes and yet the low rate of divorce?
> 
> It's funny because you have more westernized woman who cheat, are on depression pills, and abandon there families.
> 
> Why are the East Indians more successful in marriage than Americans?


Are you East Indian? I'm confused. I thought I read in another thread that you were from the Balkans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> I'm not Gunga Din but I do know some Indian adult males and they are among the hardest working folks I've ever met. Can't imagine any Indian father who's expectation for his 30 year old son is that he remain dependent.


They are very hard working and most work 2 jobs, that being said they prefer to live with there children in there older years as opposed to living alone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Feminism has "destroyed" many relationships but the alternative is a culture that puts men first and upmost. The end result is just as unworkable.

Indian success in the USA has come largely as the result of hard work, good education, patience, and low - relatively - expectations. A lot of the same attributes work wonders in a marriage.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Sounds like you just want a marriage where your wife shuts up, puts out when you want, and has no standards at all so you don't have to put forth any effort at all. If she can't stand you that's OK as long as she can't leave. 

What a sad way to live, your kids will never look up to you and once mama's gone nobody will care that much about you.

I pity you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why do you have to resort to insults if people don't agree with you? 

"Feminism has destroyed men and castrated there balls, this is the reason for the high rate of divorce."

Why? I know I fully respect my spouse as he respects me. This is our first and only marriage as my parents who are celebrating 42 years of marriage. My in laws 55 years of marriage. All cultures have a lot to offer. Clearly you are not happy in your marriage why not take the advice that was offered to fix it? Don't you want your wife to be happy? Wouldn't that contribute to your own happiness and of your children's? If moving is the only thing your wife is unhappy about, why not move? You said you have the means to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

People who pathetic and helpless name call. Its the only weapon they have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It makes me laugh that a 30-sometihng guy that is railing against feminism still has his lips firmly attached to momma's proverbial teat.

Just because you deleted your comment doesn't mean you didn't make it. 

Grow a pair, move out of your parent's 6000 square foot mansion, support your wife and kid like a MAN is supposed to. And in the future if you don't want to fully commit to a woman then wear a condom.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PG13,

I've seen something like that stated before. What makes me cringe a bit is the part where you go on to say, "support your wife and kid like a MAN is supposed to".

How does that jibe with feminism? Aren't you automatically placing her in a subordinate position when you support her?

Not sure I get that whenever I read it. Either she is or she isn't free, responsible and equal. Am I making any sense? This wasn't meant to incite a riot. I really don't get that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

OP Had posted --then subsequently deleted -- a post in which he railed against all the "feminists" that had responded to his thread.

I just found it hilarious that someone in his situation would start throwing that label around.

Whether or not I, my words, my beliefs, my actions, make me a feminist, I have no idea.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Boxing judge (Aug 29, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> It makes me laugh that a 30-sometihng guy that is railing against feminism still has his lips firmly attached to momma's proverbial teat.
> 
> Just because you deleted your comment doesn't mean you didn't make it.
> 
> Grow a pair, move out of your parent's 6000 square foot mansion, support your wife and kid like a MAN is supposed to. And in the future if you don't want to fully commit to a woman then wear a condom.


I didn't delete my comment, a moderator messages me and said it was deleted by the moderator and if it continues they would ban me.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Boxing judge said:


> I didn't delete my comment, a moderator messages me and said it was deleted by the moderator and if it continues they would ban me.


And I was just about to post to tell you to stop digging that hole. Now... will you stop and listen, or just dig harder? Your hole.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

@PG13,

I saw it. I got that part. I wasn't commenting on that. I agree with most of what is being said, even some of what OP is saying. I truly just don't get the part I posted. Never have. It's like saying I don't like cherry pie while purchasing and eating a slice every day after dinner.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I'm not sure what you want me to say. I think he needs to sack up and move out and lead his family.

I also don't think he should yell feminist!!! At posters who are trying to help him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

He's saying that taking care of your family isn't about "manning up" because women take care of their families too.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

firebelly1 said:


> He's saying that taking care of your family isn't about "manning up" because women take care of their families too.


You're okay firebelly.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Of course women do. Men and women should work together to take care of the family. 

I'm not quite sure where I went wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Question am I the only one who found it amusing that a 30-something year old man, thinks he's this alpha dude, won't let his wife tell him what to do, who refuses to move out of his mother's home, despite his wife's protestations, who got angry at all the "feminists" that were telling him to move out of his mother's home?

Yes I told him to man up and move out. Support his family. Like a man should. 

Where did I go wrong, because I'm apparently too stupid to get what you are trying to say

I'm neither supporting nor defending feminism, just found it amusing that he used the term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Question am I the only one who found it amusing that a 30-something year old man, who refuses to move out of his mother's home, despite his wife's protestations, got angry at all the "feminists" that were telling him to move out of his mother's home?
> 
> Yes I told him to man up and move out. Support his family. Like a man should.
> 
> ...


No idea what the culture is over there. It's possible his family expects him to take care of them and this is pretty normal.

Only part I thought was odd was the part of manning up by supporting his wife. If you mean by helping her in the home by pulling his weight with the household chores and regular maintenance of the home, I'm all for it. 

If you mean, which is what I thought, by his financial support, I disagree. A strong woman free to chose what she wants can make as much or more than a man. She can easily provide for and take care of herself and does not need a man for that. 

For me, manning up means taking responsibility for ones' self. It means being able to financially support yourself alone. It means taking care of your health. It means finding hobbies and interests that are healthy and bolster a good attitude. 

It means having goals and working toward them. It means accepting failure and moving forward the best way you can. It means learning to do what you don't know right now, that will improve you. 

I apologize if I misinterpreted your posts.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> He's saying that taking care of your family isn't about "manning up" because women take care of their families too.


His wife does take care of their family. Now it is his turn.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I don't know what the culture is of Eastern Europeans either. And not sure if he is of eastern European in the US or still in Eastern Europe.

I do know he started this thread as a way to defend his lifestyle- because it is common for those of East Indian decent to take in their parents then it is ok for him to live with his parents.

"Man up" or whatever else you would like to call it. OP should respect his wife's wishes (who is of the SAME culture) get their own place and support his family. Or rather contribute to the support of his family. If you disagree, whatever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Yeah he's also got a kid to support too. He should MAN UP and support his kid. Oh that's right he's got mommy for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Boxing judge said:


> They are very hard working and most work 2 jobs, that being said they prefer to live with there children in there older years as opposed to living alone.


But for now they are still able and working, so they can take care of themselves. Once they are older and require assistance, it is a different story. You can take them to your home (after discussing it with your wife) and take care of them.

I know Indian marriages here in Us, and they all have their own houses, even if they have family around. they are close to each other, they help each other, they can count on each other, but they live in their own homes.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Again, not sure if you mean support financially or with the care of his home and family via physical work at home. 

If he is not working at all and this is no longer okay with his wife, he needs to make a big decision. He can choose to stay at home as other men have done and will likely lose his marriage, or he can find some gainful employment and share in the expenses. 

In the end, he needs to chose this for himself, or he will resent manning up. 

As you have described it, he does need to man up and support himself, while sharing in the household chores and responsibilities of his children.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> PG13,
> 
> I've seen something like that stated before. What makes me cringe a bit is the part where you go on to say, "support your wife and kid like a MAN is supposed to".
> 
> ...


I see your point, but this guy is railing against feminism. If he hates feminism that much he should be supporting his wife and kid, because that's a man's job in the anti-feminist world.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I see your point, but this guy is railing against feminism. If he hates feminism that much he should be supporting his wife and kid, because that's a man's job in the anti-feminist world.


True, and if he is from the part of east India that I posted the link to, he is the subordinate in that marriage and is oppressed, just as women in an anti-feminist western world. That info is kind of important. I haven't seen a post declaring which it is. 

Either way, this thread has pretty much run it's course.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Again, not sure if you mean support financially or with the care of his home and family via physical work at home.
> 
> If he is not working at all and this is no longer okay with his wife, he needs to make a big decision. He can choose to stay at home as other men have done and will likely lose his marriage, or he can find some gainful employment and share in the expenses.
> 
> ...


He has said he is working full time, has a high paying job.

He has said he lives with his parents, and pays no bills. His wife wants their own place. He is of Bosnian decent here in the US.

Yes I feel a husband and father should support the family both financially and helping around the home. Though the wife wants her own home, and I can't blame her. Part of supporting a family is meeting your wife's needs. This is a need of hers that isn't getting met. 

Now, did she know the deal before marrying him, I don't know. I find it odd that a 30something guy won't leave the nest, despite having a wife and child. 

We know he loves his mother. Indeed, his wife isn't half the woman his mother is. 

But it's not unreasonable of his wife to want her own home, away from inlaws and mom who is on a pedestal.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> True, and if he is from the part of east India that I posted the link to, he is the subordinate in that marriage and is oppressed, just as women in an anti-feminist western world. That info is kind of important. I haven't seen a post declaring which it is.
> 
> Either way, this thread has pretty much run it's course.


He's of Bosnian decent living in the US.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He has said he is working full time, has a high paying job.
> 
> He has said he lives with his parents, and pays no bills. His wife wants their own place. He is of Bosnian decent here in the US.
> 
> ...


Just off-the-top of my head, I'm thinking yeah, WTH? There's a bunch more to this than we know. 

I was thinking it's a great opportunity to buy a new home with an apartment area where mom can live and cook her own meals while being close, he and his wife can have a new home, they can even rent out or sell the other home. Yeah, something more going on here.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Don't get me wrong, I think it's invaluable to the young children to have grandparents around - the more support the better.

But not at the expense of your spouse's sanity. Even living 5-10 minutes away will give his wife much less stress but they are still available to provide support when needed.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I see it. Okay. Gotcha(I understand). Outta here.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Either way, this thread has pretty much run it's course.


Well, he11, if you are going to start a thread by cherry picking factoids to support your position then the OP should use the results of my recent study that shows that on the moon there is absolutely no divorces, and that 100% of marriages are happy. 
But personally, I don't know why they are, because sex only happens every once in a full earth...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Coincidentally, it's the same for me and I am on earth(no really I am).


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Don't confuse low divorce rates with successful marriages.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Don't confuse low divorce rates with successful marriages.


Not necessarily. If you define the criteria for success in a certain way then it's successful. 

You also need to understand the experience factor. If one (and everyone else he knows pretty much) follows the script, college, move to the US, college, work, married, etc, then their experiences and expectations are set by these stereotypes. Financially semi-set, one partner, two kids, for life, game over.

On an infrequent occasion you'll find someone who is the non-traditional type and hits the dating scene, likely dates outside his culture, etc. Those guys may form different expectations, or they may just abandon it all and follow the traditional path.

To some extent - and I'm just guessing here, as I'm not East Indian myself - it really boils down to going slowly, taking it one step at a time, and avoid extreme actions / reactions. For example, from my vast sample of Desi friends, it is rare that they'll jump right ahead into buying a house or having kids. Some is practical (buying a house with a temp visa...) but some is simply "following the script".

Here, the average kid coming out of high school has more dating experiences than my entire software team (hi guys!)... But they learn quickly, they work hard, and for the most part they succeed. 

I've had a friend who left his wife to work in another city 120 miles away. Too long for commute, so they maintained two homes for years. Then she found a job here, they got the house, kids, dog, picket fence... That's how it is. 

The biggest reason, and I will re-iterate, is 'low drama'. I've worked with them for over 3 decades. I'm the father figure for a lot of them as invariably they get hired, work for a decade, then move on to a larger place - part of the script. They're predictable. They can laugh at their own predictability. They're awesome in a self-deprecating way. 

Their teenager kids, now that's another subject. They Westernize quickly, causing much heartburn to their parents. My older girl's college roomie dated an Indian kid. The kid was, well, unreal. 2nd generation, doctor parents, partied 5 days a week but was a phenomenal student going into med school. He will not follow the script, but most 1st generation Desis will. Again, huge difference 1st or 2nd generation. But I'm sure he will want to have his folks nearby just as well.


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