# Husband said he didn't love me and left me...



## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I have posted on this forum before about my marriage problems and me and my H managed to get through them and were happy. But around January this year things started to slip back to our bad days again.

My H started spending alot of time at work again and was always stressed and tired when he got back home, it really put a strain on our relationship. We started spending less quality time together, like he often promised a trip to the cinema but would always post pone it saying he was too tired.

Then we drifted further and further apart and he started getting close to a female co-worker, sending her flirty texts behind my back. It all blew up last week when I confronted him about the messages. He was apologetic, told me he loved me and that he was sorry. 

But then a few days later, he changed he told me to go, that he didn't want to see me and that I deserved better. I was hurting but I thought it might be best to give him space then we could get back together.

I went to stay at my mother's house and then he texted saying he didn't love me anymore, that he was unhappy and he wanted to end our marriage. I pleaded to talk to him but he said he had decided and seeing me might change his mind. He eventually agreed to meet me but when the day came he texted me last min saying he couldn't see me and that he wasn't changing his mind.

He ignored my calls and messages so I went over and he wasn't happy. I cried so much, even begged him to stay with me and change his mind but he said he wasn't happy and he didn't love me anymore. I asked him about his female co worker and he just said they were friends but we ended up arguing and he said she was worth it.

I really thought we could pull through and save our marriage. He said he regreted getting married and that he wanted to be free.
I made so much effort to change things, to try and be the best wife I could. I gave him all my love, put him first, supported him, helped him get his job. I dedicated my time to him, I love him so much it hurts. I can't believe he is done with me, after everything we shared and all I gave him. He ignores me like I don't exist anymore, like the past five years are nothing 

I am hurting so much, it makes it worse that he has got his life on track and is going forward. It's like he isn't even sad or missing me at all. I just hate feeling like the one who has lost everything. I even wish he would say sorry and ask me to come back home but he seems like he has forgotten me already, I am sad and scared don't know how to move on.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I know this is hard but don't focus so much energy on him - try and re focus it on yourself. My WH left 4 months ago today with no warning so I understand where you are. I can tell you these boards are wonderful and there are wonderful people here to help. It seems impossible to do but don't beg & plead - it only makes them pull away more and you will feel worse. Start to put some distance between the both of you & take care of yourself.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Let that be the last time you beg and express your love for him.

It's 180 Time.

He's involved in some kind of an affair.

The more you beg, express your love, call, text, etc... The more you become less attractive to him.

Are you prepared to expose his cheating azz?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sorry to hear this Juicy. My fWH did this to me many years ago, and I know how it feels to feel like you have been discarded for the newest toy.

Rest assured, even though he might appear to have moved on, he will just be burying his conflict and denying it to himself. At some stage it will catch up with him. He ignores you because that is his way of denying what he has done and he can then pretend that you are better off without him.

For yourself, try not to beg, try not to appear broken to him. I know all you probably want to do is sit around and cry, but you can't do this in front of him, you can't send him begging messages. Being told to move on does not help, how do you move on when your heart has been ripped out and torn to shreds? All I can suggest is fake it to him and eventually you will start to recover.

If you can get some supportive friends or family around you that can help. I know my instinct was to isolate myself, but I did have a small number of people who allowed me to vent and be upset with giving me empty platitudes.

(((hugs)))


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your messages everyone, I really feel so alone right now. I still love him and its crazy because I shouldn't. When I said to him I hope she's worth it, he said yeah she is.  This has hurt me so much, I can't believe that he's acting like I am nothing in his life anymore.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Damn- that's a real crummy thing to say. Use it as a catalyst. I used the look on my WH face the night he left. These are not the same people we married. Remember that!! I know you feel sad & devestated but do not allow him to see you like that. Only let him see your strength & let that comment make you want to move on. He is not worthy of you!! You are better!!


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

My fWH left me after a 13 year marriage with 5 children aged 3-12 and said he had gone too far with the OW to back out. WTF? What are these husbands thinking? 

Anyway, in our case he came to himself a year later and we reconciled, although this is not the case with most couples. He did not start to come out of the fog until I moved away with the kids and stopped throwing myself at him all of the time. This is what you have to do, as you can bet the OW will get insecure with him and become clingy quickly. You might even find after time you don't want him anymore and have found you can live without him.

Just be careful of throwing yourself into a rebound relationship to bolster your feeling of self worth. You don't need a SO to be a whole person.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know it hurts now but in time you will be grateful he was at least that honest and didn't continue to play games.

You have discovered that begging and pleading don't work. You don't control his actions. So focus on you and not him. Make a plan for your life right now and start executing it. Baby steps are fine. But move forward.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really want to move forward but I find myself thinking what if he asks me to come back? says he is sorry and that he loves me. I know this isn't helping but I think deep down I have hope that it is true  

I went today to pick up the rest of my things from the house and he wasn't there. I found some old birthday cards he had sent me which I had kept (I have kept all of our birthday cards, anniversary cards and even small love notes to each other). 

It was so hard seeing all those loving things he had written in the cards, I just broke down and cried. I even took some of the cards with me and I took our wedding photos and dvd. Looking back on it I feel so stupid taking them, I'm planning on putting them back in the house. 

I've taken all of my things from the house now, it feels so wrong not sleeping in the same bed and room. I feel like he doesn't care and I'm missing him so much.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Put those pictures & cards away!! You don't need reminders. I put all wedding pictures away the night he left. I was so glad I did. Moving forward doesn't mean if he changes his mind you cant reconcile. Moving forward means you are doing things for you to make yourself better. I know you don't believe this now but I felt like you in the beginning - don't make too many changes - just in case. You know what - he was gone 4 months yesterday - if he were to want to come back now the answer would be no. Take care of you & you'll be surprised what you may find out about yourself.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Why did you have to leave the home & not him?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

We got married quite young, and we both were living with our parents before. After we got married I moved in with him at his mother's house. I didn't mind as I always got along with his mother and she was really nice, not being controlling but made me feel welcome and at home. 

When he told me to leave it was so hard as I had to move back in with my parents. It's easy for my H, he stays in the same home with all his belongs and with the same routine. That makes me even more sad and angry.

I hope this will give me the time to do things for myself. When I was with him I dedicated all my time to him. I would always put him first, check what he was doing then plan my day. I guess that's why I feel so lost without him. But it hurts even more as he has a job, and goes out with friends (which were supposedly my friends too but they don't want to know me anymore after my H left me!) Everything I know has changed and I feel so scared.

I am probably being stupid but I even have hope that he will come back to me and say sorry and want to be together again. He ended things with me trying to be civil about it, but we argued and then ended things between us so badly. I wish it was different as he doesn't even want to talk to me ever again or even be my friend 

I keep blaming myself, if I hadn't confronted him about the messages maybe none of this would have happened.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I just just wanted to post on here as I felt really low today and wanted to text my H. I managed to talk myself out if it, I think I just keep blaming myself for the break up


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

His actions are his to own. Whether there were problems in the marriage or not, it was his decision to do what he did. 

Focus on making *your *life better because that's the life you control.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Juicy said:


> I just just wanted to post on here as I felt really low today and wanted to text my H. I managed to talk myself out if it, I think I just keep blaming myself for the break up


Good for you. Resist that urge!! If you had done it you would have felt terrible. You should feel good about yourself! Stop blaming yourself - it takes two people to make a marriage & it takes two to have problems in a marriage


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks everyone, I feel better that I didn't text him. I just want to make my life good so I can move on and be happy. I just keep thinking about how much I helped him get to where he is today, it's so unfair, now I feel like I'm left with nothing. I even found some of his clothes yesterday not sure if I should go give them back to him?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I just looked at Facebook and noticed my H has limited his profile. He is still friends with me on Facebook but all I can see is my posts on his wall and mutual friends. I can't see anything other people post on his wall or even any of his pictures.

I don't even see why he is still friends with me on facebook  he can still see everything on my facebook page. I don't know what to do, should I limit him aswell? or just not be his friend on facebook anymore?

I don't know what's best to do, I mean I sound silly but I don't know if I want to cut off all communication.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Juicy said:


> I just looked at Facebook and noticed my H has limited his profile. He is still friends with me on Facebook but all I can see is my posts on his wall and mutual friends. I can't see anything other people post on his wall or even any of his pictures.
> 
> I don't even see why he is still friends with me on facebook  he can still see everything on my facebook page. I don't know what to do, should I limit him aswell? or just not be his friend on facebook anymore?
> 
> I don't know what's best to do, I mean I sound silly but I don't know if I want to cut off all communication.


Cut him off


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your reply. I think it is the best thing to do, even though I don't want to but I keep looking at his facebook page and it's not letting me move on.

It's so hard just to cut him off like that  but I guess he has kind of already done that to me.

I found some of his clothes when I was unpacking, not sure if I should give them back to him? Or should I just bin them?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he hasn't missed the clothes, or asked about them, then presumably he doesn't need them. So you can dispose of them.

Looking at his FB page is not helping with the recovery process. Let him go.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Juicy,

the day he walked out was the best day of your life. Hard to imagine from where you are at right now. He's got an affair going, and at least he has not been cheating behind your back for too long, robbing you of valuable years. The fronts are clear, and he is not pretending to be someone he's not.

What you are going through at the moment is perfectly normal. Just remind yourself to keep the sights set forward, not backwards. He does not want to be with you any longer, I would take him at face value, instead of holding yourself in a place of false hope and speculation. Stay away from posts that tell you that he may change his mind and come back to you. Those are just keeping your hopes alive, and your pain prolonged. Ask yourself if you could still trust him, if he came back to you, and can you honestly say yes? If so, look deeper and and find out why you would settle for someone who already told you that he does not want to be with you? 

This kind of pain sucks, so take it day by day. It's one helluva rollercoaster to be on, but the peaks and valleys level out over time, provided that you take care of your emotional and physical well-being.

When something like this happened to me in February this year, the first month or so, I had to force myself to do things, even new things, and just keep going. It paid off leaps and bounds. He left after 25 years. I started rearranging stuff, clean out closets, just one project after the other. I joined new groups, met some new people, and found a new hobby that I now pursue with a passion. 

I filed for divorce, and hope to never have to see him again. I am beginning to really enjoy to be me, by myself, and engage in a journey of soul-searching and self-discovery.

Big, big hugs to you!!! Take care of yourself, one day at a time, and move forward, little by little. He keeps telling you to go away, do him the favor. Pick up your pride, and as they say "living well is the best revenge".


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your replies. And seagoat thank you, I think I needed to read that. Everything you have said is how I have been feeling. It's so hard without him some days I am so sad I just cry and waste my day. I think it is harder as he is getting on with everything while my life feels like it has stopped. 

When I have been feeling really low I have been thinking and hoping he would come back to me and want to be together again. I hoped he still loved me and that he ended things with me as I 'deserved better' and he said it was for the best. I think I still have hope because of some of the things he texted me before he ended it with me like he said I deserved better and that he couldn't see me as he didn't want to change his mind as ended things would make me happy. 

I know I am clinging on to hope he will come back to me but I think it's time to start to let go. As everyone has said I need to focus on me and my life. I am going to try real hard to make sure I am happy. I hope I can find a way to move on and stop thinking about him and reconciling with him. But I am going to really try.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

Bellavista said:


> My fWH left me after a 13 year marriage with 5 children aged 3-12 and said he had gone too far with the OW to back out. WTF? What are these husbands thinking?
> 
> Anyway, in our case he came to himself a year later and we reconciled, although this is not the case with most couples. He did not start to come out of the fog until I moved away with the kids and stopped throwing myself at him all of the time. This is what you have to do, as you can bet the OW will get insecure with him and become clingy quickly. You might even find after time you don't want him anymore and have found you can live without him.
> 
> Just be careful of throwing yourself into a rebound relationship to bolster your feeling of self worth. You don't need a SO to be a whole person.


BV - I'm grasping at straws a little here and hijacking this forum, but indulge me if you will:

How ad did things get during the year you and your H were separated? I've been so nasty and hurt since my x left, said and emailed and done things i kind of (but not entirely) regret. And yet, I still find myself thinking I would apologize and re-commit to our marriage and our family. I miss family life so much. Did you get nasty too? Did you give up hope? Thanks.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

At first I reacted badly, I begged, threw myself at him, threatened suicide then ran away for a week and left him with the kids. This was all in the first 3 months. Then I got angry and smashed everything he had ever given me, threw out the wedding photos and threw my rings over the balcony into the garden. I yelled at him at few times, he yelled back.

Then I got sly, I started wearing little sundresses around him, taunting him with what he did not have. Sending him text messages saying I was skinny dipping in our pool. I have never said, but I seduced him, we began having sex again for the last 8 months of our separation. I suppose he was cheating on the OW with me..

In some ways our situation was not like others, in that the woman he left me for was overseas, so he could not see her much, in fact only once during the year we were separated did he see her.

We began talking a lot, discussing where we had gone wrong, and I began to detach, but by golly, it was hard. I moved away and he could not see us as often, only once a month for a weekend. 

I can't say I gave up hope, but I did start to make a life for the kids and myself separate from him and had we not reconciled, I imagine I would have eventually healed somewhat and been able to move on.

BTW, I didn't apologise for getting angry with him. I did apologise for not meeting his needs before his affair, but at no stage did I excuse his affair and neither does he.


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## seagoat (Feb 4, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Thank you for your replies. And seagoat thank you, I think I needed to read that. Everything you have said is how I have been feeling. It's so hard without him some days I am so sad I just cry and waste my day. I think it is harder as he is getting on with everything while my life feels like it has stopped.
> 
> When I have been feeling really low I have been thinking and hoping he would come back to me and want to be together again. I hoped he still loved me and that he ended things with me as I 'deserved better' and he said it was for the best. I think I still have hope because of some of the things he texted me before he ended it with me like he said I deserved better and that he couldn't see me as he didn't want to change his mind as ended things would make me happy.
> 
> ...



Juicy,

if you look at your situation from a different angle, you could paraphrase it like this: every day where you don't make a conscious effort to support yourself, and instead choose to hope for reconciliation and stay stuck in the sad place is a day wasted in your precious life. I'm not sure how old you are, but knowing that our days are limited, I'd rather work on them being good ones than wasting my time pining after a man without integrity who does not deserve me in the first place.

Why would you hope to reconnect with a cheater? Look within yourself to find that answer. Why do you still love someone who abused your trust and commitment, and in no uncertain ways showed a great deal of disrespect towards you? The fact that he was capable of doing this in the first place should tell you that you two are not on the same page any longer, and he no longer cares about your well-being as much as a husband should. You're in love with the memories, but this is the past. Treasure them, but learn to feel your way through the present, and learn to put yourself first, love yourself. What would you tell a friend if he or she were in your shoes? 

I apologize if I sound blunt, but this is coming from my own experience. Due to my lack of social support (all I have is my son, no family in the US), and being sort of middle-aged, my desire to get through this as quick as possible, with the least harm, outweighed the pain of 25 years lost. My survival instinct kicked in like never before. Just know that it's an active process, not a passive waiting game for a miracle.

Lots of hugs, and strength to you, dear!!!


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## dscl (Aug 3, 2012)

Juicy said:


> I just looked at Facebook and noticed my H has limited his profile. He is still friends with me on Facebook but all I can see is my posts on his wall and mutual friends. I can't see anything other people post on his wall or even any of his pictures.
> 
> I don't even see why he is still friends with me on facebook  he can still see everything on my facebook page. I don't know what to do, should I limit him aswell? or just not be his friend on facebook anymore?
> 
> I don't know what's best to do, I mean I sound silly but I don't know if I want to cut off all communication.



Juicy,

I use to do the same thing when me and the stbxw separated. Best advice I can give you is to cut him off, no good comes from checking his FB. Life started getting so much better when I cut the ex off completely and just stop caring what she was doing.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

seagoat said:


> Juicy,
> 
> if you look at your situation from a different angle, you could paraphrase it like this: every day where you don't make a conscious effort to support yourself, and instead choose to hope for reconciliation and stay stuck in the sad place is a day wasted in your precious life. I'm not sure how old you are, but knowing that our days are limited, I'd rather work on them being good ones than wasting my time pining after a man without integrity who does not deserve me in the first place.
> 
> ...



Thank you Seagoat, I guess I am still holding on to the hope he will come back to me. I just keep thinking about what he said before he ended things. He told me he loved me and it was for the best to end things so I could be happy and that I deserved better. He said he didn't want to see me as he might change his mind.

But I guess you're right, I'm spending all my own time thinking about him and hoping. I know he sent messages behind my back to his female co-worker and has pretty much limited everything on his facebook profile so I can't see who posts on there, so there's no reason for me to cling on and hope.

I want to make my life good and be happy but I feel so scared without him  I think that's why I keep having hope he will come back to me. 

But I do need to focus on my life and making myself happy. I hope I can get through this and thank you to everyone who has posted comments, it has really helped me. I take strength and hope from from all those who have gone through this and come out stronger. I still feel really low but I am going to try and get through this, and think I will keep posting on TAM as everyone is helping me get through it.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

dscl said:


> Juicy,
> 
> I use to do the same thing when me and the stbxw separated. Best advice I can give you is to cut him off, no good comes from checking his FB. Life started getting so much better when I cut the ex off completely and just stop caring what she was doing.



Thank you dscl, you are right. It only makes it more painful checking his FB page. I do need to cut him off completely, I have put away photos and cards etc and feel a bit better already.


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## Lilly2013 (Apr 12, 2013)

Juicy- wondering how you are doing? My story is very similar to yours. My Husband & I started having issues about 4 months ago. He gave me the I don't love you speech and I became suspicious. I looked into our phone bill and saw he was texting and calling a girl from one of his college classes. The whole time we were going to MC as well. I ended up leaving and moving in with my parents when he wouldn't stop texting her. I also feel like he got to keep his normal routine. I had no family in VA so I packed all my stuff and came to TX to be with family. I had to quit my job as well which I loved. We were also married 5 years. After I got here he's doing the same thing as your husband, ignoring my calls and ignoring texts. I finally stopped the begging and nagging him about trying to save our marriage and it seems like he's enjoying life without me. We are still sharing a checking account so I can see what he's spending and it's like he's throwing it in my face bringing the girl to restaurants taking money out of ATM ect... The first week all I could do was cry. Couldn't eat or sleep and lost about 15 pounds in a week. I still miss him but the more and more he spends and rubs his freedom in my face makes me hate him more. I feel like he never loved me and I'm getting tossed aside for something new. I also feel like I did everything and was a wonderful wife to him. We were even talking about kids soon. I'm doing a little better because we haven't spoke in a week and the more the days go on the more I realize he doesn't care about me anymore so why should I waste my time caring. Go out with friend and be around family they have really helped me. I even tried a bar the other night and a couple cute guys talked to me. Of course I wouldn't start a new relationship because I'm still married but it gave me a little self esteem boost. I also feel better when I get up and get ready. Even if you just get ready to go sit at a coffee shop I feel better. Let us know how your doing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## philglossop (Apr 22, 2013)

Hi Juicy

I concer with the above to be fair. I've tried the drunken ramblings of trying to get my STBXH back, but he's in his affair fog. Now I've gone totally NC life suddenly (all be it scary) has a new purpose. Yes I still think about him, but he didn't have the enjoyment of my day yesterday with friends around for a meal. Or the excitement of house hunting for a new home for me. My STBXH always loved being the centre of attention, but now according to mutual friends he's seeing the new me come to the front and actually overtake him. Yes he has the OM, but he doesn't have the spirit to change his life. Whereas I have. And guess what? He's miserable as sin. Whilst I'm rebuilding.

I'm nearly 9 weeks into this- yes it's hard, yes there have been LOTS of ups and downs, but I'm starting to be me again.


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## Now and forever (May 7, 2013)

Hi. Yes wondering how these people's life's are now. I. In the same situAtion. Was with my h hor 19 yrs been married 11. We had no problems he just seemed to have a break down one day and said he wanted to seperate, got me and everyone else by surprise, that was four months ago... He got extremely angry,, he won't talk or return messages. He's not involved with anyone else,,and I was the one who had to move off our property and move into another home. I had to move because he wasn't going to and he made it hard for me to stay there, we had never fought and all of a sudden he was unpredictable. The first three months I begged and begged an he just ignored me.. Told me he just didn't love me Anymore and when I moved out he said I left him. Now for the past five weeks I had to leave our home town because things were spiralling out of control and I needed some distance so I thought I had gone dark. Only to find out our laptop he had had my fb and email passwords permanently logged in... So now I have reset them. But I have not spoken or messaged my h in five weeks now,,, I can't believe it's been that long... All our friends and his family tell me he will never find another woman like me, that he don't deserve me, but we had 19 yrs of bliss... I'm wanting to message him, but don't know if I should..I miss him terribly still.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I know it is hard for you all, but please, learn from those of us who did everything wrong.

Don't go begging, don't throw yourselves at your WHs. I know that we think if we don't they will forget about us, but trust me, all it does is make them want you to disappear.

Going dark is best as it also gives you an opportunity to start to heal, to make plans as to how you are going to survive. Cry with your trusted family or friends, if you have to deal with your WH, put on your best game face and show him you are a strong woman who does not need him to be able to go forward. Fake it to him, I know you don't feel it, but within us, we all have the ability to put on masks and be who we need to be for each situation.

It can be hard to plan long term at this stage, you are grieving a loss. Try planning ahead for a week, if that is too much, just the next day. You don't have to solve all of the issues right now, right now, you need to get through the agony you are in and start to heal, without your WH.

And most importantly, don't go seeking validation of your worth with other men, it will only increase your problems.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies.

Philglossop - Thank you I hope I can move on with my life like you have. I know it won't be easy but reading other people's posts does really give me hope.

Now and Forever - I totally understand how you feel. I have been so tempted to contact my H even though he hasn't contacted me for the past two weeks. I do miss him too, but I know deep down the best thing is to focus on making my life better.


Lilly2013, your story is so similar to mine, I feel exactly the same. My H said that I deserved better and that I should go be happy when he ended things with me. 

But I feel like he is happy and is getting on with his life, I don't know if he did more than just text and flirt with the girl from his work (he said he didn't) but I still feel like he has everything. He has a job, he still goes out with our 'friends' and seems like he doesn't care about me anymore. I don't have a job atm and my emotions keep changing. One minute I am positive and happy then the next I panic, break down and cry. 

It's been two weeks now since he ended it and he hasn't contacted me at all. I have resisted contacting him when I have been feeling really low. I also feel like I was the best wife I could have been, I supported him, loved him and always put him first. Now it's like he used me to get to the position he is in today and no longer needs me.

Bellavista - I have been so tempted to contact my H, especially when I have been feeling really low. I just miss our life together, I know our marriage wasn't perfect but I wanted to try. I know I need to focus on making myself happy and making my life better. I know it's no good for me but deep down I keep hoping that my H will come back to me and want to be together again. It's really hard but I am going to try and make my life better and I hope I can move on and be happy.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hey everyone, I just wanted to ask what people would do in my situation atm. After my H left me I moved back home with my parents and then a few days later went back to collect all my things. My H wasn't at home but his mother was there and his sister (we lived together at his mother's house). I said my goodbyes to his mother and his sister which was quite a sad moment. But they told me to keep in touch and text/call them to let them know how I'm doing.

A few days later I thought I should text our friends aswell. So I texted my H's best friend, who I have known for as long as I have known my H. I mean I know he is my H's best friend but I always saw us as friends, so I just texted him saying that I hope eveything goes well for him and for him to take care of himself and keep in touch. He didn't reply to me but I didn't mind.

I texted his (H's best friend) girlfriend aswell who has been dating him for about a year and over this time we have become friends. We always went our together as a group and had fun, it would be me and my H, his best friend and best friend's girlfriend. So I texted her about the break up and she was a supportive friend. 

I met up with her and we had a long chat, she didn't say anything about what my H was doing but was on my side saying that my H was wrong to leave me. She also blammed my H for cauing problems between her and her boyfriend, and said that at one point he had agreed with her that my H was acting like an idiot and was upsetting me and couldn't make up his mind. It felt really good being able to talk to a friend who knows my H and she was very supportive.

After a few days my H's best friend texted me back. He said he was sorry it had taken him a while to reply and that he would keep in touch even though and if I wanted to talk to him to let him know.

Now I don't know whether I should text back or keep in contact with him? I mean I am friends with his girlfriend and we still text and keep in contact. Is it going to make things worse? Or is there no harm in talking to a friend? I've known him for a bout 5 years and I wouldn't say we are best friends or anything but we are friends. Just not sure what to do?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

What you don't want to do now is develop an emotional connection with another male, even unintentionally.

You are in an emotionally vulnerable place right now, and you probably feel like male attention validates you.

Just be very careful with your H's friend, because he is a connection to your H and you may start to transfer feelings that you have for your H onto the friend.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Bellavista,

Thank you for your reply. I was thinking that maybe through my H's best friend I would know what my H is thinking and feeling. I think deep down I am hoping that he might pass on a message from my H to me, or hint at things my H was saying or doing. 

I just find myself thinking about him all the time and wondering if he wants to see me or talk to me.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Just felt the need to post again, I have been feeling pretty low these past few days. I don't understand, I mean I was doing ok and suddenly I am back to square one.

I keep thinking about my H, and if I should contact him? I know he hasn't bothered to call or text and so I shouldn't really try if he's not. But still deep down I still feel for him, love him, miss him and have a hope that he will come back.

I don't even get why I am feeling like this, he's the one who ended it and said he didn't love me anymore. He was sending messages to his female co worker and hell I don't even know he might be seeing her now!

So why am I going round in circles? Should I confront him one last time about our marriage and if it is truly over? But if I do will I look weak, like I am the one who needs him? 

I am going crazy thinking about all these scenarios in my head. I feel this whole situation has really affected me not just emotionally but socially and physically. I wake up every morning with my heart beating so fast, I get panicky and anxious. 

I think I am hoping he will come back, and it's stopping me from focusing on other things, it's so messed up I wish none of this happened


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

Don't feed his ever growing ego by mentioning your relationship with him.

Nothing a cheater enjoys more than having options.

You are not an option are you?

No, you are the one - start believing and acting like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Now and forever (May 7, 2013)

So it's been seven weeks since I had any contact with my husband. His sister says he has just been very quiet and working. I am getting myself into a anxious state because after six weeks of traveling I have to go back to work in a few days which means I will be in the same town again... I just don't know what i will do if I see him. Gosh. Married for 19 yrs and now scared to run into him... Love him still with all my heart still, wold love to work out our marriage. But been 4 months now..I just don't understand... We never fought or anything, his sister says she feels he had a mid life crisis and work pressure, his not seeing anyone or even going out. Just working on our house and property. I did break the no message rule last week his cousin died to I sent a message of condolences but never heard back from him.. All our friends and family still can't believe we are apart because everyone and I thought we had it all.... Just needed to vent that today.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Juicy, you can expect to feel like you are on a roller coaster emotionally.

I think for me, it hit me hard about 3 months after H left. For those first 8 weeks or so, I was hopeful that he would see the error of his ways and come home. For the next 4 weeks I steadily sank into a pit of despair, until about 12 weeks after he left, when I totally flipped out.

You will not recover overnight, any more than you would recover from a broken leg overnight.

As for confronting him, I would not suggest it. You cannot change his mind at this point at time. If he is ever to come to that point, and bear in mind, he may never, it has to be by himself. He has to come to himself and understand what he has done without you forcing his hand.

Be mindful at this stage, if you try to force him to come back, you will only drive him further away. He is not the man you thought you knew. As hard as it is, concentrate on growing yourself. Maybe try some deep breathing and relaxation exercises when you feel overwhelmed by the need to contact him.

My mantra over the years has become, 'just breathe. In... and out...'.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thanks for your replies.


ReGroup, I know I shouldn't make myself available to him. He was sending texts to this woman behind my back. I don't know if there was anything more between them than just text messages but at the same time I don't want to know. I just can't understand why he started hiding things from me and confiding in her? I really gave him everything.

Bellavista, I am definately having mixed emotions atm. One minute I am hopeful he will come back to me, the next I remember the things he said and the messages he sent to his female co worker and I feel so sad. I don't even think he will come back, he seemed so certain on what he had decided when he ended our relationship. 

The only thing is I'm not sure whether to file for a divorce? I don't want to hang around and wait for maybe nothing but at the same time I think should I leave it to him? After all he's the one who ended it. Or should I text him about divorce procedures and see his reaction?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, I feel really silly now. I decided to text my H just keeping it short and simple and just said I needed to talk to him about a few things and that I hope he is well. My H then replied to me just saying that he had some things to talk about and that he rather do it sooner than later. I texted back and he said he didn't want to talk on the bus and would call me when he got back. I told him I was going to go out in the evening and he called but I was driving at the time. He then sent a text saying he tried to call and for me to let him know when I was free so we could sort things out. I had gone out by that point so I just texted back saying I was out and we would talk later.

But now I am so worried I mean maybe it was too soon to contact him but I saw a solicitor about divorce proceedings. I think it's best to get a divorce if there is no hope for me and my H. From the texts I feel like my H was being cool with me not showing emotion. I haven't called my H back yet I don't know if I want to hear what he has to say, I feel like I might have made things worse 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, just wanted to post an update on my situation. Thank you for your replies they really have been helpful.

I spoke to my H on the phone the other day, it was really weird. He was very serious and keeping the conversation short, but I was being normal like just talking to him as if he was a friend. I made a few jokes even and he seemed to soften down but got serious again towards the end of the conversation.

He asked what was going on, like he said he wanted to get a divorce and if I had looked in to it. I told him I had looked and things but didn't go into too much detail. He wanted to know my opinion on the divorce and what we should do, but I wasn't sure.

I said to him it was a shame that we lost a friendship aswell as even though we were married we were still friends. He didn't say anything to that, but I really wanted to say that to him.

Anyway I think the conversation went ok, I didn't cry and beg him to come back so that was good. I tried to be light hearted and take it easy and I think that showed as I even made a few jokes and laughed alot when talking to him. I think he softened down a bit but mainly he was serious, quite short with me and said he didn't want to meet up and rather talk on the phone.

In the end he said for me to text him when I wanted to talk more about what to do as I said I needed to go and was a bit busy. 

But I haven't texted him since, it's just I don't know what to say. I mean he's the one who left me so why doesn't he go and see solicitors and sort out the divorce? He's basically dumping it all on me which is unfair. I was hoping he would be more friendly and want to still keep in touch as friends but I'm not sure that is what he wants.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ask him why he isn't initiating the divorce if he's the one who was interested in getting one. Often the spouse who wants the divorce doesn't want to look like the bad guy by filing and tries to manipulate the other spouse into filing.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

In our case, I told my H that if he wanted the divorce, he had to get it himself with no assistance from me. He wanted it not me. In the end he could not go through with the final process.

That being said, in Australia, you have to be separated for 12 months before you can finalise the divorce process, and even then, it still takes up to another month after that for it go through.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thanks for your replies, really appreciate it!

I got a text from my H yesterday saying he wanted to sort things out now so we could both 'get on with our lives'. He told me to give him a call and said he couldn't call me as he had no credit. I was actually out yesterday so didn't get a chance to reply to him. He then called me but I was out with friends and didn't pick up as I wanted to have a nice time. I texted him after letting him know I was busy but he didn't reply. So today I texted him and he replied saying to call him if I was free.

When I called him I don't know why but I was so nervous I was shaking even. Last week when I called him I wasn't like that at all I was so much calmer. Anyway when I called him today I was nice and friendly when I spoke. But he was being really serious and quite cold with me. I was being light hearted and tried to make a few jokes but he wasn't interested. He just said he wanted a divorce and that he had looked into it and under English law the only ground we could get a divorce is by living apart for two years. So he said he would contact me after two years and talk about a divorce.

I mean he was so serious about it, I just laughed and said to him that there was no need for him to be so serious and that we could talk like friends. I tried to keep it light hearted and was being friendly but he got annoyed and was being cold. When I reminded him that we had been together for five years and that we could talk like friends he told me to stop making him feel bad. 

I gave him a little speech about how it was a shame that he couldn't even talk to me like a friend and how sad it was that he was acting like the past five years meant nothing. He didn't say anything but just repeated the same rubbish about contacting me in two years about a divorce. I told him there was no need to end it on a bad note and that we could sort things but he wasn't interested in what I had to say.

The thing is I had a look myself at the divorce law and think we could use another ground to file for divorce. We could file for behaviour issues but one of us would need to file for divorce and put the blame on the other. I don't know why but when we spoke on the phone I didn't mention it to him, and he seemed adamant that the only way we could get a divorce was waiting for two years. 

But I don't understand him at all, I mean is he being serious? Does he just expect to contact me after two years and file for a divorce? It hurts that he said that he wouldn't even talk to me until then. He is just throwing it all in my face again  I was quite positive before but now I feel really low again. I feel so sad about the situation, some part of me was hoping he had changed his mind. I felt pretty good the past few days the best I had since my H ended things but now I'm scared and sad again, I don't want to slip back down but I don't know the convo today has made me feel sad again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sounds like he has stuffed his emotions down regarding you. If he starts to get jokey and friendly, then he risks his suppressed feelings coming back up.

In the meantime, yes, you will find your emotions flipping from not too bad, to feeling very low. It is normal.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, would appreciate any thoughts on this really feeling low again  and thank you for your reply Bellavista.

I think you're right as he said he doesn't even want to meet up so he's avoiding me all together. It's like he can't face me and he was so defensive and cold when he spoke to me on the phone. 

I don't understand what he wants. Well I know he wants to end our marriage it's been a problem for him for a long time and I don't even understand it. 

But I don't know what I am meant to do. Do I wait for two years and not see or talk to him? Is that what he really wants? It's crazy to even plan so far ahead, it's like one big joke. 

I'm not sure if I should see a solicitor and check for sure if I could file for divorce on grounds of behaviour instead of waiting two years and filing for divorce?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

He does not want to be the bad guy. I have learnt some of what goes on in the walk away spouses head from talking to my husband when we reconciled.
It really does not make sense to those who are outside their heads, but to them, they are not being steered by rhyme or reason.

If you want to check with a solicitor, then by all means, do so, but don't expect your stbxh to understand how you feel. He has no idea how he feels, let alone anyone else.
The most important thing for you at the moment, is to understand he is not the man you thought you married, he is an alien and as such, do not expect rational behaviour from him. Look after yourself and your emotional well being as top priority. Don't go looking for answers, there probably are none, at the moment, it is what it is.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Yeah I think that is exactly how it is. He just doesn't want to see me or talk to me. Like you said he doesn't know himself. 

It's so hard just that he is saying that he will contact me after two years, I mean how does he even know what will happen in two years? He might as well not bother!

But like you said Bellavista, I think he doesn't know himself.

I think I will go and see a solicitor but not sure if I should mention it to him? Or maybe should I wait to see what the solicitor says first? I just don't know if I should tell my stbxh about trying to file for divorce on grounds of behaviour rather than waiting for two years?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

See what the solicitor says first. Then you can decide whether it's something to discuss with your husband.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Openminded said:


> See what the solicitor says first. Then you can decide whether it's something to discuss with your husband.


This...

In the mean time do what you can to start healing and moving on...whatever that may be..to strengthen your heart and mind. It's going to be a rough road..yanno...but one you must take...so be selfish...think of 'you'...and only 'you'...not him..this is about you and what's good for you now... You will gain strength each and every day...if no contact is what he wants...give him that...seriously...the best way to get back at him...is to move forward with the best damn life you can get...

do this...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your replies!

Openminded - I will do that, as it's best to see what the situation is before talking to my H about anything.

Stella Moon - Yes he said he doesn't want to talk, basically he only wants to talk about getting divorced and will apparantly contact me in two years - what a big joke!

I really want to talk to him but he was so cold and defensive so there's no point. I was ok before but now I feel I have gone back to square one. I feel really low and keep missing him  

I keep wondering about what he is doing, if he misses me? I know he is probs getting on with his life like he said so I should be to. But yes, I need to make my life good. But recently I have been feeling so bad and thinking about just leaving or worse. I went to see my doctor who is going to refer me to see a counsellor so hopefully that will help.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Thank you for your replies!
> 
> Openminded - I will do that, as it's best to see what the situation is before talking to my H about anything.
> 
> ...


see a counselor...see if you need anything for depression...make sure you excorsize and keep up with seeing your friends and don't contact him...don't rely on him for 'anything'...don't do that. Your on your own now...and try to stop wondering what he's doing...remember something ok... you cannot change that of which you cannot control'... 

you can control 'you'...so just take care of 'you'... focus on you...every day it's all about you is every day you get stronger...get that couselor...and start...seriously...when I tell you it gets easier...it does...you won't believe 'me' now...and i didn't believe the other 50 people on here who told me...

but it 'does'....you have no idea.. you WILL get stronger and bolder...and balzyer...and you will get your groove back...you keep reading these guyz' threads...read mine....read everyones! You will see change! ...And transformation...it happens and it's happening....its unfortunate your here...but you are...so...it begins... time for 'you'...time to post every day...all the time...as much as you want....get involved...it's no holds barred here... people just are themselves...and let go...and ...absorb advice...and give...and take....and so on... lots of help..support...your not alone... 24hr service....

pretty cool huh?  

Make your phone calls....lawyer...doc...counselor...friends...etc... git!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for the replies.

Stella Moon - Thanks for your post, it really has helped me. I have been going through a change of moods, sometimes I feel good then I feel really low again. 

I am trying not to think about him and focus on me instead. Like I am trying to go out with friends more, I have looked into volunteering and I am looking for a full time job. I think keeping busy and having 'me' time will help. I hope I will get stronger like you said and I will read other people's threads to give me hope!

I texted my friend the other day (she is the girlfriend of my H's best friend). I saw her after my H left me and we had a good chat. We had been texting and she said to me that it would be nice to meet for drinks soon and that she knew my H's best friend would like to see me too. I mean I know he is my H's best friend but I didn't think it was fair if I didn't get to spend time with them as they were my friends too. 

So I decided to meet up with them both for drinks, tbh I was worried my H was going to be there too but he wasn't. They both didn't mention my H and it was really nice seeing them. I think I was secretly hoping they would mention him or maybe pass on a message but I know that's stupid to think like that. 

I had a nice time, but I think I felt sad at the same time. Seeing them together all happy made me remember all the times we would all go out together, it would be me and my H with his best friend and girlfriend. I made sure I didn't show any emotions but was happy and having a laugh with them. I made sure I looked really good and even had a smoke with them - I have never smoked before and have always been anti smoking, even lecturing my H not to do it. So tbh I think maybe I was trying to prove a point, so they could pass on to my H things about me from the evening. Not sure if smoking was a good idea though, it might make me look like a total hypocrite.

I want to still meet up with them as they are my friends too, but I don't know if I should if it makes me think about my H. Did anyone keep in contact with mutual friends when going through seperation? I mean I would like to but just am worried that I will keep thinking about my H everytime I see them.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, been feeling a bit frustrated the past few days so just wanted to post and let off steam!

I saw the other day that my H has unfriended me on Facebook. I feel shocked, sad and angry all at the same time. It's like it has finally hit me that he really doesn't want to keep in contact anymore. The funny thing is he only unfriended me after I met up with his best friend and best friend's girlfriend (they are my friends too). 

Maybe it's just a coincidence, but I still feel really low now. It's one thing to end the relationship and now he got in there first and un friended me on Facebook. I still don't understand why he is ended things this way, surely he could end it nicely? (I mean I thought we could still be friends). 

Also, I went to a job interview the other day and saw a friend of my H's working there. I knew he worked somewhere similar but honestly didn't know he was working where I had applied to. I was shocked to see him and as soon as I saw him all I could think about was my H. 

Now I feel so stupid, my H will probably know what I am up to and I don't know what the hell he is doing. I feel so helpless, like he has all the power and he is still in my life. I keep trying to move on but he keeps popping back into my life, it's so frustrating I just want to burst into tears


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, this is not so much an update just me letting off steam and getting advice.

I was tempted to call my H the other day when I was feeling low and started to miss him. I'm glad I didn't as I probably wouldn't know what to say and I don't think he would have picked up anyway. I think when I am feeling low I start to miss him but when I am busy and having a good time I am focused on other things and he is not constantly in my mind.

I don't know if anyone has seen Whitehawk's thread about sending a letter, but I have been thinking about sending my H a letter. It's just I feel that I haven't said all I wanted and just want to see about things. I know alot of people would tell me not to do it but I have so many things I have kept inside and feel like I want to let it all out. 

I would appreciate any thoughts on this, thanks everyone.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you write it, don't send it. Get it out of your system and then let it go. Just don't send it.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Openminded said:


> If you write it, don't send it. Get it out of your system and then let it go. Just don't send it.


Thank you open minded I think that is a good idea especially after what I saw. I am so shocked angry and upset all the same time. My f*****g H has changed his pic on Facebook to a picture of him and the ow he was messaging before. They look so happy and cosy together! This is hurting me so much! How the hell can he be like this and move on so quickly!!? My heart is breaking even more now but at the same time I want to pick up the phone and scream and shout at him.  

I just didn't expect him to do this so soon, I really hoped there was a chance for us but now I have been smacked in the face with this! I don't know I'm so hurt by this 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I know. Believe me, I know. We have to accept that we no longer know them. My ex-husband is literally a stranger now. I find it hard to believe I was married to him for 45 years. It does get better with time. My goal is complete indifference to anything he does and I'm just about there. You will be too. It's a hard road but you can do it.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Openminded, it always helps to get encouragement from others who have gone through something similar.

I am still shocked, upset and angry. My H is acting like five years together was nothing. It was so easy for him to move on, I can't believe how he is showing off by posting pictures on facebook. We have only been separated 7 weeks and he has already moved on!

He is just showing how immature he is, like he is trying to point score and show how great his life is without me - what an idiot!

He is just pushing me further to hurry up with the divorce (even though he hasn't bothered) and is trying to make a point that he can get over me. 

I wish I never looked at his facebook, I really won't look again. It just makes it harder to move on.

He is so stupid actually, showing that he couldn't wait longer than 7 weeks to move on. He really is a complete idiot. I hope this gives me a push to move on.

I just can't be bothered to play his games.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Juicy said:


> He is so stupid actually, showing that he couldn't wait longer than 7 weeks to move on.


He did not wait 7 weeks to move on. He just waited 7 weeks to let you know why he had moved on. She was in the picture before he ever told you to leave. Be comforted to know the relationship won't last. He is a cheater. She dates a cheater. Real solid foundation.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Juicy, he is a dunce. What you are feeling and experiencing is normal. He has torn your life asunder. Don't give him too much credit "scoring points", or "how great his life is", because the reality is, his life is not that great right now, no matter what he looks like on the surface.

Stay off his FB. As you find it just causes more pain and grief. 

What is your attorney saying?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone I just wanted to say thank you for your replies, I don't know what I would do without all the help from TAM.

SaltInWound - Yes, he was talking and texting the ow before he ended things with me. He was getting closer and closer to her and further from me, I remember feeling like he was slipping away and I couldn't do anything to hold on to him. The thing is he told me that nothing happened between them apart from flirty text messages. 

Even after he ended things with me I spoke to him on the phone twice (the last time was about 4 weeks ago) and he told me he hadn't commited adultery so I couldn't file for divorce on that ground. But now he is so involved with her  what you say is true, though how can she be happy to be with someone like him? Like doesn't she think that if he could move on from someone he has been with for five years what kind on guy is he?!


Thorburn - Thank you, I hope that is the case as on the surface it looks like he is having a good time. I am going to see my solicitor again as now I wonder if I can file for divorce on the grounds of adultery? If I can then it might speed things up. And I will not look at his facebook, it's just making me feel so much more angry and sad


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, just wanted to post I have been feeling realy low since Sunday. 

I keep thinking about my H and the photo on Facebook, I have thought about it so much these past few days it's always in my mind.

I felt like before I was stronger, but after seeing the photos I have fallen back to square one  I know it's stupid but I even have a glimmer of hope deep down that my H will realise what he has done wrong. 

But then I remember all the hurt he has caused me and I cry so much, how can he throw away five years? and find someone else?

I just want to stop thinking about him, it's affecting me so much. If anyone has any advice I really would appreciate it, I don't know what to do, I feel more hurt now than I did when my H ended things.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

#1 stop looking at his FB Page.

#2 what have you done for yourself since he left?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Yes, you are right looking at his facebook makes it so much harder. I wish I never looked so I wouldn't have seen the photos. 

Well tbh the first week after he left I didn't do much. But after that I started looking for a job and have been to some interviews. I have more of an idea of the career I want to get into so I am looking for jobs in that area. 

I have volunteered to help out in a youth club and have been twice so far, I enjoy it as it gets my mind off things. 

I have other things on my list but haven't completed them yet. (I got the idea of making a 'Single Girl's to do list' from a book I read). 

I think keeping myself busy has helped, it's just I feel like I am missing out on the things me and my H used to do. I miss our evening nights out, our day trips and just our nights in watching dvds. 

Recently I have been having bad thoughts, and feeling so low. It truly does feel like you lose your mind when your H or W leaves you.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You never tried to expose the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Well alot of people told me to give my H time and the space he needed. When I spoke to him about two weeks after he ended things he said he hadn't committed adultery so I thought he had done nothing more than just send flirty texts the ow.

I didn't think there was an affair to expose, I convinced myself that there was nothing more going on apart from flirty texts. 

But I don't know maybe they started getting close after he ended things with me, I can't help feeling that maybe I should have done something earlier. Maybe I should have tried talking to my H more and told him I wanted things to work, but now it's pointless as he is seeing the ow


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Block him on facebook.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Juicy, I've just caught up with your story. I'm sorry to see that you're hurting so much. You've had a lot of great advice here. This didn't happen because you confronted him about the text messages (and you shouldn't have) -- you should have. You had every right to as his wife. If he hadn't done the texting in the first place, you'd have had nothing to confront him about, right?

The only thing for you to concentrate on right now is YOU. The impression I get from your story is that you thought of yourself so much as a part of a couple, that you lost yourself. That's why it's hurting so much right now. You not only lost your H, but you lost that huge part of you that was wrapped up in him and your life together. That was a problem for a lot of us here, myself included. This kind of thing is never easy, but it's easy-er for those who didn't totally lose themselves. 

It is _awesome_ that you are volunteering. I always recommend that for people with walkaways. It gets you connected with other people, and if you're involved with something you really care about, it helps you find passion again. And good for you for thinking about a career and a job. Those kinds of things can only be good for you. 

Are you talking to a counselor or therapist at all? Confiding in a close friend? It's really easy to isolate, but try your best not to. 

Keep pushing forward, Juicy. You can do it. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you can.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Angelpixie, thank you so much for your reply, reading positive things like that really makes a difference. Honestly, after I read it I felt so much better. I agree with you so much. I totally feel like I have not just lost him but a big part of myself. I miss all the time we spent together and all the places we used to go, all the fun we had. 

But volunteering and keeping busy definitely has been helping me. When I am busy I don't have time to think about him and what he is doing, I am talking to other people and just focusing on other things. 

I have asked my doctor to refer me to a counsellor just because I really feel that I will benefit from being able to talk about this all face to face with a professional. They are taking a while to get back to me about it which is pretty annoying. 

Sometimes I make myself scared by thinking about being alone 
 I don't know, I just feel like I might never find someone else I will love. Did anyone else feel this way?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, sweetie, I still do, lol. Lots of us do. Being alone isn't the worst thing -- there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. Lots of us were lonely even when we were living with our spouses. Likewise, you can live by yourself and not feel lonely because you have friends and family that you are close to, and because you have other things in your life that fulfill you.

For someone who's coming out of a marriage where they really gave themselves over to that relationship/spouse, it's actually recommended to get used to being on your own for a while. Get stronger in yourself, who you are, what you want in a relationship. Take the time to look at the one that ended and really examine it -- what did you put up with that hurt you and you didn't even realize it -- or worse, think it wasn't important enough to do anything about? 

Do some reading on relationships, especially the idea of codependence. It's something that can be un-learned, and it really _has_ to be in order for any future relationships to be better. 

It's not just enough to recognize the things that were bad about our old relationships, or to see what our spouses did to us. We have to see the part we played. _And then change ourselves._ Once we're healthier, we'll be able to avoid those unhealthy people as possible partners. Someone who is abusive or who cheats is not a healthy person. They will not be attracted to someone who is healthy and strong. They know that a healthy person will not take their crap. That's what you want to be and to project -- "I'm strong, and healthy and I deserve to be loved and respected."

*Because you DO!!*


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

I feel that way sometimes & it scares the heck out of me but I keep saying to myself that when the time is right I will find someone. Right now there is no way I can trust any man enough (sadly I should say anyone including myself) to be in a relationship but someday I will. I am sure you will too when the time is right. A friend of mine recently told me that we have to work on ourselves or we will just keep attracting the same men over & over. Its when we are healed that we will attract the RIGHT kind of man for us.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Angelpixie and Smallsteps, thank you for your replies. 

I feel so scared of starting again as I met my H when I was 16 and he is the only guy I have been in a relationship with. I feel scared of being alone and so find myself thinking about starting a new relationship. I don't want to rush into a 'rebound' relationship but I feel so pressured to find someone else, especially after seeing my H's photo with the ow. 

I know I really do need to push myself to make my life better. I want to be be healthy and strong because I did really rely on my H so much. I spent so much time with my H, always going out with him and helping him with everything. All my time was invested in him.And you're right Angelpixie, I feel like I have lost not only him but a huge part of me aswell. 

I hope it will be a good thing focusing on myself and having time to do things I didn't get a chance to do.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Definitely focus on the things you wanted to do, but couldn't. That will be a really important part of starting over. 

You're very wise to resist that urge to get into a relationship too soon. If you do, it's very probable that you'll end up in a very similar situation. If you haven't gotten to the point of finding out who _you_ are, it would be very easy to again find your identity in your partner. 

It's much healthier to go into a relationship as a whole person first (and not coincidentally, healthier to get into a relationship with the same type of healthy person). You aren't depending on each other to fill 'holes' in your selves. You complement each other and create something better than the two of you alone, _but_ on your own, you're both equally healthy separate people. I hope that makes sense, lol.

In other words, that whole 'You complete me' thing is a recipe for disaster. Be complete first, and look for someone who makes life better.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks Angelpixie, yes I am trying to focus on myself. 

Recently I have been thinking so much about my H, I felt like I was doing really well and moving on but now I feel like I have fallen back to square one  

I really don't get it I just want to be able to make a life for myself but I feel so hopeless every time I think about my future I'm so afraid. What if I never meet anyone who will love me? What if I never manage to make a career for myself? I'm so afraid of being alone and I know this is not helping me at all. 

Sorry for such a low mood but I just wanted to post for some support, thank you everyone.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

We all have those bad days, sweetie. But they will pass if you keep looking forward. There are truly no guarantees -- I wish I could tell you that you'll meet someone wonderful and have a great career...but I can't. But I can guarantee you WON'T ever meet someone wonderful and/or have a great career if you don't keep putting yourself out there and keep pushing forward. 

We've all been there and we understand. It feels really overwhelming, and you don't want to be starting all over. But you have a lot of time to work on yourself and do things right. 

Why are you so afraid of being alone?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, I know it's been such a long time since I posted and I hope it's ok to give this thread a bump back onto the first page.

Thank you for your reply Angelpixie, I have been having ups and downs these past few weeks. I actually spoke to my H about two weeks ago, it was so strange. We talked about a few things and in the end he said he wanted to stay friends and asked me to promise him that we could still be friends.

At the time I was so desperate to keep in contact with him and so practically said yes. But then a few days later he stopped replying to my messages. I got so angry, why would he say that then ignore me? So I decided to send him an angry text basically saying that I couldn't understand why he was saying he wanted to be friends but ignoring me at the same time.

He replied saying he was sorry and that he was busy and well that he just didn't know. Now it's all become one big confusing mess. I feel so lost, and I don't know what he means...part of me wants to keep in contact but the other is telling me it might be too painful.

Tbh he doesn't always reply to my texts but I reply to his pretty much straight away..I know its silly but I just want to talk to him. He hasn't bothered to reply to me for a few days now. 

All of this is getting me down so much, I am seeing a counsellor because I just need to talk to someone about it all. My counsellor told me to stop hanging on, I kind of got annoyed when she said that I don't know why. 

I have been trying to keep myself busy and do things for myself, a guy from work has even been texting and flirting with me alot. But I'm not sure about rushing into something, part of me wants to just forget my H and go out with this guy but I don't know if it's a good idea. 

Everything has become so confusing, I don't even know how to handle it all.


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I don't think there would be anything wrong with going out with this guy. I wouldn't go if you are going to try to get a new man. It could be fun to just go out with a guy. There isn't anything wrong with being alone. 

One thing is for certain, being friends is total bullcrap. He can't just pick and choose parts of you to have in his life! He chose to walk away from you, you shouldn't be there waiting in the wings in case something goes wrong. So then what, he gets to call you and talk to you about his day? How he is fighting with his new girlfriend? Hah no. Sorry but that just can't happen. I told my STBXH that I will not be his friend. It's all or nothing. It really comes down to having the guts to say it. It's basically you saying "I don't need you in my life so I'm not going to settle for half-a**ed." How could you really go from being his wife to just a friend? It's a selfish notion on his part. 

I can tell you are hanging on because it's exactly what I did at first. I agreed to being friends, just to keep him in my life. But then, after a few days, I was like "Forget this s***." It is hard to let go but you can only heal once you do. Honestly no one can say if this is permanent. But for now, treat it like it is. The less you think about things, the better you will feel! Find something to do that keeps your mind and hands busy. Like a puzzle. Go to a bar and flirt with random dudes! Practice being alone for a while. You will get good at it once you realize your self-worth!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Battleworn, I know what you are saying I mean when I think properly about it I can't just be friends with him. I want to be with him or nothing at all, I think I only settled for friends in hope to keep in contact. But he doesn't even reply to my texts anymore which makes me feel so sad. I mean he is confusing me saying he wants to be friends and stuff then ignoring me. It's like he is running away from me and trying to make it like I don't exist. I feel like s**t tbh because I had hope and now I am all empty. 

I am sitting here alone in a place we used to go to and typing this all, I mean I feel so stupid  I shouldn't go to the same places. I'm sorry if this is really depressing its just I am feeling so low at the moment, I am acting so out of character like even smoking I've never even smoked before, I'm just trying to forget everything. 

And I feel like I am liking any male attention I get, like if they are friendly I'm straight away just being super friendly and flirting. It's like I want to feel like men are attracted to me but at the same time the thought of going with another guy is so strange atm. 

I am finding it so hard to focus on other things, I'm angry and upset at the same time 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Sorry everyone I just need to rant this out of my system, sometimes I feel like I am totally losing it!

This is so stupid! I don't know why I am hanging on to my H who is with another woman and I don't understand why I still love him. You know I am such an idiot! If I was an outsider reading my story I would be like gosh why is she still hoping and feeling sad about that douche bag of a H of hers! It's so silly but I love him and miss him and I hate what has happened. I'm a believer in God but even my faith is slowly fading, I can't help but feel like this.

My heart feels like it's been ripped out, trampled on and then shattered into a million pieces! And his life seems fine, everything is going his way. I am not trying to take all the credit but honestly I really did everything for him and got him to the position he is in today!

The thought of being with another man seems so...I don't know I just can't even think about it. Ah I don'y know what's wrong with me! I am just going down, I need to push myself but I am lacking motivation. I feel so low  I am panicking about everything...I am so worried I have gone back to the start. 

I just had to get this all out, I am hurting so much keeping it all inside.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

How's it goin now Juicy.

It's just one a roller coaster Juicy don't be so hard on yourself and it'll keep spinning you crazy for a long time yet.
Nearly 10 mths for me and l thought l was done 3-4mths ago but last wk at work some song came on and l'm in tears . And again today as l walked round the property.
l thought l was done 1o times already.
Cut yourself some slack girl it's ok.

The guy , l go with some others and be proud that your not some shallow [email protected] that can be just out there jumping bones 5mths later. lf you don't feel like it why do it. Forget guys for now and do whatever you do feel like l say .

Good luck and we're here for you.

ps , still haven;t given her that letter .


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Whitehawk, thank you so much for your reply it honestly has helped me today. 

I really get what you mean, some days I am positive and upbeat and other days I feel so low and just want to burst into tears. Alot of people have told me that it's still early and I agree you are right it is, I think I am pushing myself too hard. I feel like because my H is seeing someone that I should be too. 

I keep worrying about what other people are thinking, I mean our mutual friends know he is seeing the ow and I just can't help thinking they feel sorry for me or think I'm silly not moving on. I know I shouldn't care, I just don't want people to think that I am the boring one who is at home crying while he's out having fun. 

And thank you, I don't want to push myself into any new relationships just yet. So I think I will just take it easy, not rush myself. I really hope with time things will be better, and thank you it makes a difference posting here on TAM.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone,

just wanted to ask what anyone would do in this situation. I was using my laptop the other day and wanted to log into my Ebay account and realised it was logged in onto my Hs ebay account. I was curious so I had a bit of a look but he wasn't bidding on anything special, just a ps3 game. 

But then I got really tempted, I remembered all the hurt he has and still is causing me. I feel like he is winning and I am helpess in this situation. So the thought crossed my mind of bidding on tons of high price items or just buying high priced useless things on his account using his credit card he has saved onto his account and getting them sent to his address. I know this is leaning on revenge style tactics but I just feel angry and sad at the same time.

Does anyone think getting 'revenge' in a way like this is a good idea? or really worth it?


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> just wanted to ask what anyone would do in this situation. I was using my laptop the other day and wanted to log into my Ebay account and realised it was logged in onto my Hs ebay account. I was curious so I had a bit of a look but he wasn't bidding on anything special, just a ps3 game.
> 
> ...


No, don't do it. It isn't going to make you feel any better and is just lowering yourself to his level. Take the high road... get your revenge by being a better and happier self than you were while you were with him and living the best life you can.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Hey Juicy. I just caught up with your thread. First off -- the ebay thing? Bad idea, lol. Sure, we've all had a few revenge thoughts, I'm sure. A long time ago, I think I even started a thread for people to confess their most outrageous revenge plans, lol. But in this case, I'm pretty sure he could find a way to make you legally liable for the charges, and you don't need that kind of hit to your credit or a criminal record for fraud (making charges on someone else's card is theft). So just fantasize about it, but don't do it.

As for wanting to get into another relationship -- don't let anyone push you into doing something because they feel you should be 'over it' by now. They weren't part of your relationship, they're not you. This is about you setting boundaries for yourself and doing what's best for you and what will help you to become the healthiest and the strongest.

Have you done any reading up on co-dependence? It's really hard to break out of it, and it hasn't been that long yet. Besides reading a general book like Codependent No More, you might find it helpful to get a companion book with meditations or affirmations that you can think about and help to apply to your situation. I've found that doing something like this makes it more real. There may even be some online if you google it.

And you're right -- start going to different places than the ones you went to together. I found that going to places we went to together would always make me feel worse. It just got in the way of any progress I was making. Maybe later, you can try again, but for now, go to different and new places. Create a new routine for yourself. If you're living in the same place where you were together, change up the decor if you can (even if it's just to change the bedding, curtains, different pictures on the walls, etc.). Go on Pinterest and find things that you really like and start making them part of what you look at every day.

I hope you're feeling better, Juicy.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies.

Thank you both for advising against me and my 'revenge' plan, when I really thought about it I realised it wasn't worth it as much as I want to get back at him doing the whole ebay thing would surely get me in big trouble. 

I haven't been looking to start a new relationship, even though I feel like I should because my H has jumped straight into a new one. I think I was worried about what people were saying and thinking about me, like I don't want people to feel sorry for me and think that my H is doing so well while I'm still stuck in the past and haven't moved on. 

And yes Angelpixie - I really feel I was so dependent on him and basically let my life revolve around him so I'm finding it hard to adjust. I will deffo look at getting a book about co-dependence to help me cope on my own. 

Some days I have been feeling ok but others I feel really low. The panic will start and I will just be thinking in my mind about what he is doing, who he is with, what's this ow like? I know it doesn't help at all and just makes things so much worse, but when ever I see something that reminds me of him it all comes flooding back in my mind.

It really is a rollercoaster ride at the moment, I hope things will get better. It's crazy how things can change so quickly and we are left to fix things by ourselves. I am trying to keep positive, feel like I might have gone back a few steps but I will push forward, counselling has been helping me get through this too.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

What you're going through is totally normal, Juicy. You loved him, you planned on always being with him, and that's without the added things of codependence. It will take time before those things stop bringing up so many memories. The best thing to do, though, is still to distract yourself by doing things for your Self. Taking a class, learning a new hobby, hanging out at a gym, making new friends, keep yourself moving and thinking about other things. It really does help. And it also has the added benefit of helping you widen your social circle, and learn new things that you can talk about with other people. 

Hang in there, you're doing great!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Angelpixie, seriously I wonder where I would be without all the encouragement from you lovely people here on TAM. Today I felt really low, I couldn't stop my tears and sadness so I let it all out and cried for so long. I think I needed to just let it all out, my feelings of sadness and anger..it was all too much. But I feel better after giving myself the time to be sad and tell myself it's ok to cry as long as I pick myself up afterwards. 

It is tough but like you said I will keep pushing on, I don't want to fall behind and waste my life I'm only 22 so I can't give up already. There are groups and activities I am trying to involve myself in to keep busy and I am reading a new book which is keeping me entertained (I love reading ) I just need to keep reminding myself not to give up and be sad all the time, as there are good things I can do.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

I just read the whole thread and I really feel for you Juicy. I am essentially going through the exact same thing myself. I was with my wife for 9 years(married almost 5) and she just picked up and left on May 19. I didn't find out there was an OM before I started snooping. It's so sad how someone you gave a commitment to for life could move on to somebody else so quickly and without trying to fix the marriage. It really tells you a lot about people who can do this to someone they were so close with. It's the most selfish thing a person can do to another. I think both you and I will be better in the long run. Even as I type that, I have a hard time believing it myself, but deep down inside I know it is true. Being a cheater is a sign of extreme emotional immaturity. Most of the time these types of people never really change. I'm willing to bet your husband and my wife will go from relationship to relationship in life and never truly find happiness. People like us who actually know what real love is and can hold true to a commitment will have the last laugh. If you ever need to talk to someone, let me know. Take care...


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## peakguy (Aug 24, 2013)

I too am going through similar circumstances. I won't bore you with the details, but it sucks! Thank goodness for this forum. Take care everyone.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for your replies. And Brokenman85, I totally understand what you are saying. It's so hard to believe that someone who loved you can just easily move on to the next available person. But you know my H and your W are just running away from marriage and commitment. It's easier for them to run and hide in their new relationship than face the problems or issues in the marriage. 

They aren't brave or strong enough to try and sort things in the marriage. What I think is sad is that they aren't strong enough to be on their own and find what they really want, they need someone to hold their hand and lick their wounds for them. But we are stronger because we can lick our own wounds, and don't need to jump into a new relationship just so we have company.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

How are you doing now Juicy? I assuming not much has changed. Thought I would check up on you.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Brokenman85, thanks for your post!  I'm ok thanks, been having changes in my mood lately some days I'm feeling sad other days just plain angry. Funny thing is my H texted me about a week ago to 'see how I was doing' and I know it's silly but I was so happy to talk to him. In the end he stopped replying to my texts and it just left me feeling rejected again. I don't know why I built myself all up and felt like there was hope or something but at the time I just wanted to keep talking to my H. 

Tbh I don't understand why he bothers to text me anyway, he just backs away completely in the end and leaves me feeling rejected all over again  it's just hurting me and making me feel sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Protect yourself. If he texts ignore it. If it's something important that you have to reply to..wait a while. Wait as long as you can.. even if it's 24 hours before you reply


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Juicy, he contacted you to fulfill some need of his. Maybe it was to get a 'fix' of someone caring about him because he was having a bad day, who knows? The important thing is how it ended -- him not caring about you. That is your proof that it was all about him. I know it's hard, but remember that, and don't take his bait. It will only hurt you. EleGirl is exactly right in what she recommends. If it's something you have to answer, set a little alarm on your phone for some time in the future, and don't allow yourself to respond until that alarm goes off. If it's not something you have to respond to, don't. He's not a friend, Juicy, even though you want him to be. When you see him text like that, let yourself get angry at him for trying to manipulate your feelings once again, write out your reponse to him in a journal or on here, but don't send it to him. If you start to feel lonely for him in the future, go back and read what you wrote. Start seeing him for who he really is, Juicy, not who you hoped he was. ((hugs))


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## Battleworn (Jun 24, 2013)

I find myself doing the same thing. Even though I told him I will not be his friend, it seems like he wants to keep it friendly. I will respond to him, but be never responds to me. I just find myself getting sucked right back in. Later I remind myself that if I didn't love this person, I would never in a million years keep them in my phone contacts, let alone respond to their little conversation starters. It's stupid that HE chose to walk away, yet can't seem to leave it alone. They chose to leave, yet we have to be the stronger ones and not take the bait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies. Elegirl I think that is good advice, everytime he messaged me I would reply straight away but I guess I made myself look desperate and lonely even though I'm doing ok. 

Angelpixie, I know what you say is true I totally fell for the bait and have done before. It's just funny that he expressed himself asks how I'm doing, if I'm seeing someone else and asks if I have moved on. And then when I tell him my feelings and thoughts he slowly backs off and eventually stops replying. It's like an ongoing cycle, he texts I reply and then he stops and ignores me for a period of time until he texts me again. I just feel so silly everytime he contacts me I feel hopeful and I get excited but then he ignores me and I feel been more hurt than before. 

I know this isn't good at all and I don't want to play his games anymore, it's like he is trying to keep his options open and check if I will still be waiting for him incase things don't work out with this ow. But I don't want to waste time hanging about for nothing otherwise I am going to watch my life go by. He updated his photo the other day to a new one of him and the ow, it made me sad and angry but I think it confirmed for be what an absolute d***head he really is. 

Battleworn, I know what you mean it's really weird that they ended things but want to be friends and keep contact, like I said I think they just want to keep their options open incase they change their mind or their new relationships don't work out. It's hard but like you said we have to be strong and stop ourselves from getting sucked back in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

You've absolutely got it, Juicy. In TAM lingo, he's cake-eating. Don't let him. Get it deep into your mind what he's doing, how despicable it is, and how much it hurts. Remind yourself over and over. That way, the next time he texts you, you'll see it for what it is -- an attempt to cake-eat and manipulate your feelings and keep you on the hook...

And you won't text back. 

LOL, the mental picture I have at this minute is a dartboard with his picture on it. And any time he texts you, you throw a dart at his picture instead of returning his text. Might be a little drastic, but hey, if it works, lol. :rofl:


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## runtothelight (Sep 11, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> You've absolutely got it, Juicy. In TAM lingo, he's cake-eating. Don't let him.


A LOT of cake-eating going on these days :scratchhead:. Hang tough Juicy!


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Thanks for your replies. And Brokenman85, I totally understand what you are saying. It's so hard to believe that someone who loved you can just easily move on to the next available person. But you know my H and your W are just running away from marriage and commitment. It's easier for them to run and hide in their new relationship than face the problems or issues in the marriage.
> 
> They aren't brave or strong enough to try and sort things in the marriage. What I think is sad is that they aren't strong enough to be on their own and find what they really want, they need someone to hold their hand and lick their wounds for them. But we are stronger because we can lick our own wounds, and don't need to jump into a new relationship just so we have company.


Yeah see this is the thing Juicy and brok'n. l believe the only difference in a marriage that works and lasts forever is the people and their courage , determination , commitment to their vows .
You look at any old couple , they've been through 10 times more than one of our short marriages. Hell often they might not even be that specialler couple but they become that through devotion, decades, they refused to quit , refused . Probably 100's of times in their 50 or whatever yr marriage. Some of them have had HUGE ups and downs any modern couple would just collapse over.
l beive that's the difference now and a lot of us just don't have that anymore.
So 1 in a couple with stay till they die but maybe the other is just too weak or selfish.
l mean there are destructive marriages that should end , but then there's the rest of them that do still end but didn't have to.
mine got really bad but that was only in it's last 3yrs , we would have turned, just like the 1,000's of old couples that turn dozens of times , like my parents. 56yrs.

But l don't get how walking is easier than fighting on , l really just don't, especially if there are kids . To me staying and fighting on would be the simplest . To me walking out , causing all that pain , ruining your family , your kids , thinking your on a good thing , to me that would be much harder than standing and fighting. They think it's going to be easier but l just can't see in the long run how it could possibly be.
Even financially l was just saying in another thread we'd be 1.000's better off together but now we're in debt and can't cope , we're gonna lose a fortune on the house too because it has to be sold before it's finished now . Our girl , me , has to live this bs existence and house hop forever , it's all insane and there is no way it's easier than fighting on , on anyone. But for some reason , fog l guess , they think it will be .
Then considering most affairs won't last anyway , they'll just be on there own down the track again anyway and starting again again.
lt all seems like madness to me.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Juicy said:


> He updated his photo the other day to a new one of him and the ow, it made me sad and angry but I think it confirmed for be what an absolute d***head he really is.


Wow, what a POS. Forget this guy. You deserve much better. Try not to look at any of his social media accounts. Nothing good can come from it. I recently have resisted looking at my wife's Facebook profile and I am feeling better. Every time I looked at it, I instantly started getting an anxiety attack. It takes a lot of will power, but you must do it to heal. I noticed on the OM's pinterest account he has a pic of himself and my wife together. I was pissed. I know where he lives, so it took everything I had not to go smash his face in.


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## MyPainandHurt (Aug 30, 2013)

Juicy 

I am in the same boat, but coming to the forums here makes me feel like I have thousands of friends who understand what I am going through and I appreciate it SO MUCH!!!

The cake-eating sucks.. My H did that and I allowed it. Now that he moved out, I can focus on me. It hurts that he is gone because I am not sure if he will ever return, but I just joined meetup.com to help me get out there and LIVE! 

Be strong, we have to be don't we?

MPH


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Brokenman85 said:


> Wow, what a POS. Forget this guy. You deserve much better. Try not to look at any of his social media accounts. Nothing good can come from it. I recently have resisted looking at my wife's Facebook profile and I am feeling better. Every time I looked at it, I instantly started getting an anxiety attack. It takes a lot of will power, but you must do it to heal. I noticed on the OM's pinterest account he has a pic of himself and my wife together. I was pissed. I know where he lives, so it took everything I had not to go smash his face in.



l always wonder how many guys do or don't do something to an om B. l sorta feel disgusted with myself for not touching him but l sorta feel l rose above it too.
Sometimes to l even think maybe x needed to see my go off at this guy to know l truly still loved her.
How many guys go mess these people up , have you ever heard ?
l still have trouble resisting !


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I don't think many women would appreciate the old John Wayne approach anymore. I am conditioned against physical violence as a show of anger, so I would not see my H beating up anyone as something positive. It would not raise his stock in my eyes, but lower it. The exception to that would be if he was doing it to defend someone. But not to show possession (That's MY woman!) or just anger.

But then, I never cheated on my H, either, lol.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for your replies everyone, I have been thinking alot about things that have happened. I can't believe it's been four months since my H left me, I feel like it has been so much longer.

Angelpixie, thank you for the image of dartboard it made me laugh so much! ((hugs)) I might actually consider doing that, I can't let him cake-eat anymore because its tearing me up inside and messing with my feelings and emotions. I really can't be his second option anymore, it hurts but it's worse being left like this in the middle.

Whitehawk, I totally agree with what you are saying. Some people like my H aren't willing to fight for marriage anymore and just take what they see as the easy option out. My H ran away from the problems in the marriage instead of facing them and sorting them with me, he just found the first available woman to start a relationship with because it makes it easier for him to get away from me and forget me. 

Like you said it's sad that my H didn't think of his marriage vows, I mean what happened for better and for worse? He could have told me what he felt was the problem in the marriage and we could have got through it as a committed and determined married couple. 

But hey...like I said my H wasn't strong enough to face it all and it is typical of him to run away. He always runs away from his problems and lets things snowball into one big problem and eventually has an outburst. That's exactly what he did, let things snowball and then had an outburst and made a quick snap decision. You know what WH these people aren't strong enough to fight for marriage and think they are making things easier for themselves but they are not, they might not see it now but they will in the end.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Brokenman85, thank you I know he is being a total POS. You're right there is no need to look at any social media accounts of his, I feel exactly the same I get anxiety and panic attacks when I see a new phot, even though I know he is seeing the OW I still feel sad when I see a new photo. So I'm going to stop myself from looking there's no need.

I just think why bother sending all these messages and then in the end he ignored me and put up new photos of him and the OW. I guess it does just reinforce what an idiot he is, he doesn't think about anyone, just himself.

MyPainandhurt, yes we have to be strong especially when of Hs are being weak and are trying to keep us an an option. TAM has been amazing, everyone on here is so supportive, don't know what I would do without it!

Whitehawk, you know it's funny I think of similar things. I mean I wonder if I should give this OW a piece of my mind and tell her what a total b*** she is for flirting with my H and texting him asking him to meet her when we were still together. But then I think well what kind of woman is she? She's happy to start a relationship with a married man just two weeks after he asked his W to leave. 

Talk about low standards and she clearly has no respect for herself, most women wouldn't get involved with a married man who just broke things off with his W but this just proves my point...she is a desperate, available W who my H is using to run away from the whole marriage situation. By running straight into a new relationship my H isn't alone as he isn't strong enough to face it all alone and lick his own wounds, he needs this OW to hold his hand. It's sad really, he wanted to et away from the marriage and problems but he's just started a new relationship...how can he expect to find himself and be himself if he's already locked himself in a new relationship. But like I said he is just running and when you want to get away and forget you do stupid things. 

So what I am saying is I don't think it's worth it to give them the satisfaction that you want to hurt them, as much as I want to punch my H and the OW so hard in the face I rather not lower myself to their stupid level. They don't even deserve my knuckles to touch the side of their cheeks if I did punch them.


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## chibisparkle (Sep 20, 2013)

Juicy, I became a member of this forum specifically because of your post---I really want to help you or just convey something helpful to you. That's how strongly I feel about what you are going through...

But first, you have to really ask yourself this question:

"Do I want to get him back, or do I want to move on?"

I *hope* that you would want to just move on, but regardless of the answer, the steps are somewhat the same. I don't think people here will to judge you whatever the answer is. You seem to be really sweet and have good character--you deserve what makes you happy! 

Probably you may be feeling like there is no justice in the world and that he gets to be happy while you get to be sad, but that really isn't the case. I guarantee you that you are not the only one who sees that he is an a**hole. His friends most likely think it, too. 

This is really an outsider's perspective, but the way to take a step in the right direction of cosmic justice is for you to become unattainable and unavailable. 

Dollars to donuts, when he calls, he is probably feeling down or unhappy about something. I mean, think about it. Do we think for a second about our ex's when we feel happy? Nope. It is only when we all feel sorry for ourselves that we think..."well, he/she really liked me, and I did (x/y/z)" or "This isn't working out, and I liked what I had before", etc.

Right now, when he calls, asks questions about your dating status, whatever the reason, he is just checking on whether or not he has a hold on you still. 

This may be unconscious behavior on his part, but he is doing it. 
He is doing it to feel better about himself. Having people still like us is so flattering, and an instant self-esteem boost. This man isn't caring at all about your feelings, or checking on you in a legitimately caring way, I can assure you. He stopped being your friend the minute he did this to you.

I am not trying to be mean by this, but I just want you to see what is really going on. 

The minute you smile and joke around, talk about your feelings, etc., or give any indication whatsoever that your heart is open to him, all he is feeling is "GOTCHA"...

You gave him what he was craving. Some validation or power. It's that feeling of power, and that works as his quick pick-me-up. That's exactly why he doesn't continue his communication. 

You are stuck feeling like, "oh, well we were talking, and now he is disappearing again?!" While he is thinking, "got what I needed, now I can continue to ignore her"

The only way to stop this is to cut him off....DO NOT CALL HIM, TEXT HIM, anything. I think you have been doing this, but even when he calls, don't even answer. Treat this like a military battle.

Bury your phone if you have to. Change your number. Seriously, the only communication he should be getting from you is through a lawyer. Make HIM work for the information.

What do you think?


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## chibisparkle (Sep 20, 2013)

And, also, 

DO NOT CONTACT the OW!!! I cannot stress this enough. 
She will suffer as he will suffer, but not through you. Don't debase yourself by spending any effort on her. 

Here are some super great reasons you don't want to do this:
Rick Reynolds: 8 Reasons NOT To Contact His Mistress


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## chibisparkle (Sep 20, 2013)

And one more thing...

DO NOT CONTACT the OW. 

She will suffer as he will suffer, but not through you. You shouldn't have to debase yourself by doing this. 

This dude summarizes the great reasons why you should not:
Rick Reynolds: 8 Reasons NOT To Contact His Mistress

You are only going to hurt yourself in the process, really. 

p.s., he will cheat on her, too, one day. Don't worry about it.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> I don't think many women would appreciate the old John Wayne approach anymore. I am conditioned against physical violence as a show of anger, so I would not see my H beating up anyone as something positive. It would not raise his stock in my eyes, but lower it. The exception to that would be if he was doing it to defend someone. But not to show possession (That's MY woman!) or just anger.
> 
> But then, I never cheated on my H, either, lol.


Ahh right , thanks Angel.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Thanks for your replies everyone, I have been thinking alot about things that have happened. I can't believe it's been four months since my H left me, I feel like it has been so much longer.
> 
> Angelpixie, thank you for the image of dartboard it made me laugh so much! ((hugs)) I might actually consider doing that, I can't let him cake-eat anymore because its tearing me up inside and messing with my feelings and emotions. I really can't be his second option anymore, it hurts but it's worse being left like this in the middle.
> 
> ...



Yeah it is about strength and l'm sorry to say he let you down. lt's bloody sad and you just wonder wtf ! l mean is there any point even bothering if they act like that.
lt's still so weird for me youknowe. l never really made a go of anything before x . l just loved bolting for the door whenever l didn't like the scenery or [email protected] hit the fan. l'd just up and go , even back in school , hell l even decided l wasn't going to kinda and hid under the house every morning .
But you know , although l messed up probably the main in my marriage , l was really proud of myself up until this. l'd stood and fort on you know for the first time ever . l was in it for the long hall , those vows were vows to me you know. lf we or one of us effd up we will soldier on and get through it , always.
I still can't believe the realization of the concept though after all this.
Takes two to think like that doesn't but it only takes one to blow it out of the water.
lt'll sound ridiculous but l never really realized it could work like that before all this .


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi Chibisparkle, thanks so much for joining TAM and posting your reply. It is true, I have been trying to convince myself that he is talking to me because he wants to get back together but I know he is just checking to see if I'm an option for him. I guess I have made it easy by replying straight away to his texts, making myself available all the time.

I don't like how things were left off, I mean the last texts were me expressing myself to him telling him I wanted things to work out between us (so stupid when I think about it really). I feel so silly like he has all the power but I am not going to reply to his texts anymore, he is so full of it.

WhiteHawk, don't blame yourself 100% because there was two peoplle in the marriage and atleast you tried to fight and save your marriage. My H totally has let me down and not thought about me, all he has done was think about himself and make things easier for himself. 

It's weird I went out with mutual friends to the cinema the other day and I saw my H's brother there too. He didn't approach us or say hi or anything but I didn't expect him to, he never really liked me in the first place and was always difficult. I don't know why but I panicked and was worried about how I looked and what/if he would say anything to my H.


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi J, 
Read your story here, I know it's hard but you have so many things going for you, and the biggest one is that you are young. Some of us don't learn from our mistakes in life so at your age I would say take this as a learning experience for any future relationships. 

Your doing pretty good considering the situation, and I would say this to you. So far you have conformed to him when he calls you have spoken to him, next time he asks you anything especially have you moved on or found someone just say yes thanks. I did the same thing you did before and that was to give too much information and like you told him I wished things would of worked out between us big mistake since they don't care but still want to control.

Remember you are a priority always not an option, I remind myself of that now everyday I am 6 wks out. At first I was a mess I kept thinking of him with someone else, but then I think about feeding him and how he would belch after a meal or just sitting there and laugh at that I guess I just got comfortable with those habits. 

I realize I am a much more stable person, can love and show love and someday a good man will come into my life because I will be open.

Don't worry about his family either because I am going through this my ex's brother was friendly and always has been up until recently which probably tells me things have changed in his life, but I don't care.

I have been out with a few male friends and it's been great for my ego I can decide who is in my circle of friends now, and I can have any man army I want and speak to who I want. 

Yes I do desire to be with that one person I play scrabble with and who I cook meals for but know it has to be a two way street to work. My ex had his momma to run to but I know he will have days alone and that's when he will get to thinking just like me.

The ebay thing made me laugh believe me we all have that desire to do something like that but they will reap what they sew. 

Just keep going out and do things for you, it's what keeps us moving.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Hi Chibisparkle, thanks so much for joining TAM and posting your reply. It is true, I have been trying to convince myself that he is talking to me because he wants to get back together but I know he is just checking to see if I'm an option for him. I guess I have made it easy by replying straight away to his texts, making myself available all the time.
> 
> I don't like how things were left off, I mean the last texts were me expressing myself to him telling him I wanted things to work out between us (so stupid when I think about it really). I feel so silly like he has all the power but I am not going to reply to his texts anymore, he is so full of it.
> 
> ...



Thanks J and don't worry , l don't. l know damn well l wasn't happy in the way l was being treated for a lonnnggg time before . And know to exactly how that effected me and how l persisted through it and also did much much more.
And yep , l was to blame for some of that too but so was she.
lt was about getting to the next corner with us , the new cycle , the next belt of growing up a little bit more.
We would've grown old together if only both people mean what they say the day they get hitched, damn shame.
Now that l've upset myself , better go get drunk


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies, just wanted some help...my H called me this morning and I ignored his call then he sent me a short text just saying; hi tried calling you, can you give me a call or text when you're free.

So far I haven't texted or called back because at first my heart was beating so fast I started to panic and think what does he want? What is he going to say? Is he going to be rude to me and upset me? Then I remembered what everyone on here had said...I'm not going to reply to him straight away , he can wait like he made me wait all the time. I'm not giving him the satisfaction that I want to talk to him and can't wait to hear from him. Seriously I don't want him to get an ego boost and think I've been waiting for his call. And I have a feeling he is going to say things that will upset me, judging from his text he doesn't sound too friendly. You know I rather not even hear what he has to say.

Over the past week I have been preparing an email that I was going to send him, it was me basically telling him that he screwed up big time and that I was done from all this rubbish and didn't want to play anymore games. I really wanted to send it to him before he contacted me now I'm not so sure what to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

Definitely don't send him that email and don't call him back. Don't do it!

By you not sending that email, and by you Not calling him back, you tell him all he needs to know, That you are done.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

He's a douche bag. When I read your first post I knew it was someone else. I know it sucks and hurts. He obviously does not thinknof his marriage the same way you do. It really sucks when I one person does this. It takes two to make a marriage but only one to end it...just not fair.....but you deserve to be with someone who is comitted to you and someone who honors their vows.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your replies everyone, so far I am doing well and haven't called him back or texted him. Tbh I am feeling worried now just like I'm panicking about it all I know I shouldn't be but like this morning I felt so panicky. I keep telling myself that he is a total douche and doesn't deserve any reply from me, plus his text was quite simple. At the same time I am wondering what he wants to say? But I don't think I can face it all, I feel if I talk to him it will just open up the wounds again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hang in there J. I know it's tough, remember if he asks anything about you and if you must reply be strong and make it like you are moving on even if you feel like you want to share everything you are doing. I know I am there too, so many of us in this situation, I am 2 months out now hard to believe. 

Do a couple of things for yourself everyday, it's ok to meet and be with other people it was their decision to leave, not yours. You were a loving and caring wife and this is the thanks you got. I wasn't married but was in a 4 year relationship, did all kinds of things together and that's what I miss is the memories. 

Maybe you should update your FB page to reflect new things, people and places and remember to smile. 

it's like we set ourselves up with these people I just think of him now as a walking d..k h..d honestly I do. 

I know that working on me is the best revenge at this point, hard but need to do it, to find out who I am again, I lost myself so much. 

You will be good remember strong confident, no back tracking he's done nothing to show you he cares about you. 

Peace


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

How about an update Juicy? Worried about you.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies, I kept meaning to update you all but things kept getting in the way. 

I didn't reply to my ex H but then he sent me another text message four days after the first one just saying..."Hi please can you get back to me. I want to discuss our divorce I want to get it done sooner rather than later." 

The thing that annoyed me the most is that he decided to send this one day after what technically was our two year wedding anniversary. So I didn't bother replying to him I mean if he is going to play that game then screw him. But later after work I decided to call him about it all but he didn't pick up, he later sent me a text saying he was on the bus and couldn't talk and if I was happy we could text each other instead. 

He said "I just want to discuss our divorce as I dont want to have to wait two years I want to file for divorce on other grounds where we say both of us had unreasonable behaviour and we can write about each other and how we aren't living together or speaking for 5 months. What do you think about that?"

I felt like texting saying I think you are a complete f**k up and go do it yourself d**k head! But I just ignored him instead and the following day was his birthday. I didn't even send a text or anything saying happy birthday I don't think he deserved it.

He texted me again a day after his birthday saying "Have you had time to think about my text? Please can we sort this out civilly with no arguments and stupid comments"

Seriously it's funny how he started accusing me when he is the one who has acted like a total idiot in all of this. So I ignored him again. 

Then later that evening I got a a text from him saying "ignore previous texts". I knew he was out that evening celeberating his birthday because a mutual friend who was going had told me. Then he called me but I didn't hear so didn't answer. I called him back and well he didn't pick up. He then sent a text saying he missed me, missed seeing me and speaking to me everyday. I called him again and spoke to him on the phone, he was drunk so I cut the conversation short not really saying much. He was asking how I was and what I was doing that evening, I was atcually out with friends at the cinema so just told him the truth. He didn't want me to go but I ended the conversation pretty quickly. 

I think as soon as I realised he was drunk I knew there wasn't a point of really talking seriosuly about anything. It's funny he says things like this but recently updated his profile to a photo of himself and the OW. Oh and ofcourse the fact that he is still seeing this OW makes it even more stupid.


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Hi Juicy, good to hear from you again. Your husband is trying to make sure he still has you on his little string. It's an ego boost for him. It's wrong for him to say things like that. Ignore them. His actions speak much louder than his words. He also has some balls saying your behavior has been unreasonable. He is the one who cheated and left. He is the one who wants the divorce. He can't even begin to realize the pain in your heart and the stress it is putting you through every second of every day. Take peace in the thought that you will learn so much from this. Your future relationships will flourish with the knowledge you have learned. Meanwhile, he will regret his decision while learning absolutely nothing in the process. His pride may prevent him from ever coming back or admitting he was wrong, but he WILL regret this. It might take years but he will.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Hi Juicy,

OMG...did we married the same guy? Your story is so much like mine. The only difference is I made up my mind and want the divorce as well. Since I agree with the divorce, he just been nasty with me. Asking me to include the washer (4yrs old) as an asset and to value it on the purchase price. I wanted to keep the house so he told me I need to count in the increase of the value. OMG, we just bought the house in April.

I am so sorry that you are going through this as I know exactly how you feel. PLEASE do not let him drive you crazy. He is just trying his hardest to get a reaction out of you. The less reaction you provide the more upset he is. One thing that help with my situation is I point out it out to him. I will say "What's wrong? Why you look like you are so mad that you want to cry." He will then deny and go back to talking cordially. See if this method works for you. This is how I been keeping my sanity in the last couple of days. Also, stop analyzing how he can do all this when he is the one that cheated and wanted the divorce. You will never get an answer. I just look at him like he is a mentally ill person so I can stop asking all those questions as well.

Please take care of yourself!!!


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi J. 
How are you doing?

Glad that you are at least getting out and doing some things that's good for you.

Sounds like you H. is still trying to find out information about what you are up to, you just hang in there and don't give him too much info. He will be up and down right now and trying to play with your emotions. 

You hold the aces things should not be on his terms he is the one that messed up, and obviously is not showing any remorse about it. 

He also may find any excuse to talk to you, but don't set yourself up to get hurt, he can't control you anymore, or what you do. 

Please try to have lots of friends in your circle, and we are here to give you the best advice and lean on our experience. 

Remember you are in control. 

Peace


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do a search on her ID she started another thread a day or two ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thanks again for the replies. 

Brokenman85, yes you are right I couldn't understand why he thinks that he can write about my 'unreasonable behaviour'. Like you said he is the one who has been totally unreasonable. He has done this three times before this is the forth time. Each time I pour my heart out to him after he tells me he misses me and loves me and then he just backs away and stops texting and calling me. 

Gigi888...I do feel like he is driving me crazy, I feel silly as every time he messages me I message him back. I don't think I'm as naive as before because this time I am more cautious but yes you are right ever since he messaged me I have been thinking about him so much. I noticed what you said about him wanting a reaction which he totally did as when I didn't reply to his earlier texts about divorce he kept messaging me for a reply. 

WiseFairy...I understand what you are saying I think he wants to know what I'm up to and how I'm doing. He knows I started a new job a month ago and I know he asks mutual friends about me. I am trying to keep in control as I don't want to set myself up for a fall again.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, tbh I feel pretty stupid, I have been debating about whether or not to post this anyway here it goes... 

Last Friday evening after I spoke to my ex H on the phone I didn't text or call him and neither did he try contacting me.

But on the Monday I got a text from him asking how I was, and that he was sorry that he was texting me again. He asked if he could meet up with me after work but would understand if I said no.

Ok so I am going to be honest, I replied and said yes we can meet up (I know everyone on here is going to say how crazy I am, trust me I am feeling so stupid right now). 

He called me to double check if we were meeting up and I said yes. So we met up at a place we used to go for a coffee, it was so strange seeing him as it had been a while. He was happy to see me and we spoke for three hours.

We talked about alot of things, general stuff, things we had done over the summer and how our new jobs were going. He then told me he missed me, that he remembers me every day and still loves me. I told him how I felt, how he had hurt me, how he had done this before and then backed away as soon as I poured my heart out to him. He was holding back the tears when he told me all of this, but he dropped a bombshell at the end of it all. 

He told me that there is a strong chance that the OW he is seeing is pregnant. Great, just f*****g great! Seriously why tell me all this crap and say everything and end it like that!?

I couldn't believe it, in the five years we were together we never had this problem. So I know it's probably my fault for meeting up with him, but now I have been thinking about all of this since Monday. Seriously I know I should have listened but I just wanted to say it on here, I have been feeling so low these past days.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone, tbh I feel pretty stupid, I have been debating about whether or not to post this anyway here it goes...
> 
> Last Friday evening after I spoke to my ex H on the phone I didn't text or call him and neither did he try contacting me.
> 
> ...



Don't beat yourself up. It happens to all of us, trust me. :smthumbup:


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

It's easy to understand, so really don't beat yourself up. 

So, what was he wanting with this meeting? To see if you are still available to him (plan B). Did he ever say why exactly he wanted to get together? What did he say his feelings were on this unexpected pregnancy, is he happy about it? It just seems like he always manages to drag out of you your feelings, to open yourself up, and then he always seems to find a new way to crush you, this last one is quite the humdinger!

Have you considered just filing for divorce and taking yourself out of all this drama and hurt? I hope you are thinking about it at least. I really think it would do you and your self esteem good to just take control of all this, file and never look back at him. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better. I wish you all the best, I know this latest development must feel like quite the gut punch.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Wow, Juicy, just wow.  That was so hard for you to hear, I'm sure. NWC is right -- he has a talent for getting you to be vulnerable, then kicking you when you're down. I really agree -- this will keep up as long as you keep allowing him into your life. He's not letting you go, and he's not really trying to reestablish a relationship. It's all about him, and no care for what it does to you and your heart. Let this be the nail in the coffin. 

Thanks for being honest with yourself and with us. We'll all tell you: Don't beat yourself up -- you held out for a much longer time this time. It's a process, for sure. We've all been there, doing things we kicked ourselves for later. ((hugs)) to you, sweet girl.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Hi Juicy,

I've just read your thread and I'm sorry you're here.

Your story is very similar to my own. I was with my wife for 6 years, only married for 4 months though. We both lived with my father. We are very young too, I'm 25, she's 24. 7 weeks ago out of the blue she left, and I went through all of the same things that you did. I'm not sure if my wife has OM or not, she said she did, then a few days later she said that it was a lie. Either way it makes no difference to me. 

Even down to English law not allowing me to divorce for 2 years, unless we lie and get an annulment but that's risky. 

She kept building me up and giving me hope, just to crush me all over again, I know how that feels. I've not spoken to her for 11 days now, and it's difficult, and painful but it's better than being repeatedly heartbroken.

I empathise with you completely, but only 7 weeks in and I am starting to believe that things will get better, at least on some days 

Stay strong and I hope you're doing well.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I guess we now have proof it was physical. What kind of idiot has unprotected sex? 

Don't go along with any scheme to share blame to speed up the divorce. Those records are permanent and you did nothing wrong. He is the adulteror and he can jolly well accept all of the blame. 

If wouldn't surprise me if he ends up trying to cry on your shoulder about the mess he has made of his life. 

Have you told his mum? She is going to just love this one. 

What pisses me off is how men are so stupid that they don't realize OW getting pregnant is the oldest trick in the book. 

I am very sorry Juicy. Your young marriage never had a chance. But I know you're future will be much brighter. 

So what are you thinking about? If you took a leap and thought about what you want to be when you grow up, <g> what would you be?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi J

Sorry that you are going through this, it's just typical isn't it. 

You didn't do wrong to meet with him at least you know where things are and how it stands so don't beat yourself up, obviously he is not a strong man. 

Look I went through this I was in a LT relationship 10 years, my ex brought someone from overseas here, she got pregnant within 3 mths, he was then saying how it was all a mistake he still loved me, and wanted me back. I remember the sadness and the agony of it all and took a long time to get over it.

I hope it takes you less time than me as I wouldn't wish that on anyone. 

You know what I told him, you made your bed now go lay in it. 

Oh it was hard I was a mess couldn't believe it, he did lay in that bed for 8 years until she left him, and has a beautiful daughter from the relationship.

But I feel for you because I know how you are feeling right now, the shock of the separation was enough and now this. 

Please surround yourself with your friends, and family best you can to get through all his mess. 

Best to keep working on you and move forward, nothing is simple in this life that's for sure. 

I hope you find some peace in your heart now somewhere somehow.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you all for your replies, I feel better about things that have happened and am trying not to be hard on myself.

NWCooper, when my H called me he said he wanted to talk and see me. The conversation started off really light hearted we were just talking about ourselves and what we had been up to over the past months. He then started saying how he doesn't go out much anymore and that he is so busy with work. 

He had tears in his eyes when he was saying these things. He then said that he missed me and that his best friend knew how he felt. When I asked he said that his best friend knows that he is still in love with me. He even told me that his best friend told him to try again with me and was the one who told him to 'man up' and call me on Friday evening. I still see his best friend who is a friend of mine too, apparently I've recently seen him more than my H has. 

The weird thing he said about the pregnancy was that he wasn't thinking properly and that he thought by getting closer to the OW he would be able to forget about me and move on without me. 

And I know what you mean I have been thinking about filing for divorce. When I get so close to filing, it's funny how my H contacts me and then I have second thoughts. But it really isn't good living in the middle like this and letting him get to me when he feels like it.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

AngelPixie, thank you ((hugs)) I really do understand what you are saying. I always pour my heart out to him and he just backs away crushing me all over again. I am so glad I can post on TAM and I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. I am feeling stronger, like I don't reply straight away like I used to, but you are right it is a process and I am sure it will get better.

WantWifeBack, sorry to hear about your situation it does sound super similar to mine. I think my H and your W just couldn't communicate with us and found it easier to run away and end things. I do feel the same, he gives me hope and gives me hope only to crush me when I show my true feelings.

My H told me we had to wait two years for a divorce too (we live in England). But after I went to the solicitor I was told I could file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Maybe you could use that ground especially if you are not living together and haven't been speaking to each other.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

ClipClop2, I agree with you as when he said we could both write about each others' unreasonable behaviour I just thought seriously? what the hell is he on about? as far as I know I haven' acted unreasonably in all of this. I guess he just didn't want the sole blame. 

And yes, I feel like he was crying out for help when he met up with me. He had tears in his eyes and said he regretted starting a new relationship so fast and only went with the OW as she was showing him alot of attention. 

I really do wonder what his family will say, I know his eldest brother spoke to him shortly after he ended things with me. He told him to think about what he was doing and reminded him that he is married and should be saving the marriage...my H clearly didn't listen though, instead he has got himself into one big mess all because he just runs away from things.

WiseFairy, thank you for sharing your story. I totally do feel shocked all over again, I don't want to go back to the beginning but it really is a shock. When he said it my heart sank and I just got so angry with him. I will try to focus on myself because atm he has put himself in this situation. 

What makes me laugh is that he ran away from marriage and commitment but he has got himself trapped in a relationship that has barely started and a child is on the way. What a great way to bring an innocent child into this world!He really has put himself in s**t.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I feel for you, juicy. 

I also fear the same bombshell (but that is mostly me projecting and imagining things that hurt me...must stop) -- the X who got together with a "friend" of ours, who already has a child with a deadbeat dad in california, and I worry my X is so in love that he would have another baby without thinking. he is idealistic and selfish and totally doesn't think ahead. And I shouldn't care...trying not to...but I can't imagine my D (7) having a sibling from that crap disgusting relationship. I hope my X's heart gets broken so badly in the future...

In the meantime I am moving on. Slowly, but I am. And you will too. 

xoxo


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

JI love that bull about getting into a relationship so soon. Then again, getting into one while you are married is pretty early... especially when you are claiming innocence and yelling your wife she is crazy. 
He is such a loser. 

If you were sitting here I would start ribbing you about the drugs you must have been on when you chose this clown. But it'd be in a way that shows I like you. 

Cause seriously, those drugs must have been AWESOME! Send em over this way! 

I was thinking that she probably isn't pregnant. Telling him that drives the wedge between you further. Making sure he feels guilt that prevents him leaving her (for now ) and making you want him even less is just another value added service OWs provide as they pillage and plunder other people's families. 

Maybe you should expose her to her family. No reason to make her future with your husband easy even if you don't want him back. 

I think I need a break. I am turning vengeful. But I can probably spin it as justice. 

She could use a little justice. Right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> AngelPixie, thank you ((hugs)) I really do understand what you are saying. I always pour my heart out to him and he just backs away crushing me all over again. I am so glad I can post on TAM and I'm trying not to be so hard on myself. I am feeling stronger, like I don't reply straight away like I used to, but you are right it is a process and I am sure it will get better.
> 
> WantWifeBack, sorry to hear about your situation it does sound super similar to mine. I think my H and your W just couldn't communicate with us and found it easier to run away and end things. I do feel the same, he gives me hope and gives me hope only to crush me when I show my true feelings.
> 
> My H told me we had to wait two years for a divorce too (we live in England). But after I went to the solicitor I was told I could file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Maybe you could use that ground especially if you are not living together and haven't been speaking to each other.


I guess I could try divorce her on those grounds. The issues is I'm pretty broke right now after paying for a wedding only 5 months ago .

I still love her though, but she just isn't interested any more.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your replies everyone.

Lucy, I know what you mean the thought of my H having a child with someone actually makes me sick. We don't have any children together but I know he always wanted kids young while I wanted to wait a little. But I didn't think he was that stupid to throw away his life and not think about everything first.

Clipclop2, yes he did exactly that. He started lying and saying to people how I was so bad to him and didn't treat him right. He said that he did that to justify the whole break up and made up things to convince himself. So stupid really. 

Haha about the drugs! sometimes I think that myself Clipclop2! I don't understand how we went from being so in love to him just giving up and walking away from it all. 

I really hope she's not pregnant otherwise he has put himself in s**t! I know she has photos of herself and him on facebook and all her friends and family comment and say how nice and things like aww lovely and all that rubbish. So I think they know so I'm not sure how to expose her even more. I did think about exposing her where she works and stuff but didn't go through with it. 

One thing that gave me comfort was that I was talking to my friend the other night and she is dating my H's best friend. We never talk about my H or the OW but that evening we got onto the topic. It made me laugh so much when she turned to me and just said "You know the OW she is an idiot. She has nothing to say in conversations. All she gives is one word answers." She even told me how my H's best friend said to her that you can have a more of a better conversation with a brick wall in comparison to the OW. I know it's something little but hearing that made me laugh so much.

WantWifeBack, I know what you mean a divorce is so expensive! I went to see my solicitor and I was shocked about the cost and on top of solicitor fees there's court fees etc. 

I can see where you are coming from because after all of this I still feel I love my H, very stupid I know but I never wanted it to end and I never walked away. It's been nearly six months now since he ended things and it has been a long journey. 

I'm not going to keep it like this though because I can't live my life on and off, wondering and hoping he will come back then getting on with my life then he calls and all my feelings come rushing back. It's not a healthy cycle so I am telling myself I have to put an end to all of this. Tbh he is acting like an idiot and hasn't been thinking from day one. I hate feeling like this so caught up between emotions.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> I hate feeling like this so caught up between emotions.


It's absolutely exhausting. I'm pretty sick of it too .


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> It's absolutely exhausting. I'm pretty sick of it too .


I know we shouldn't put ourselves through all of this but it is hard to not feel mixed emotions. I just hope it will all settle down soon, I guess getting it out of your system by talking helps. Honestly TAM has totally made a difference, sometimes I think I would have over dosed on something if I wasn't able to talk about all of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I guess the right thing for you to do is to tell him to not contact you anymore. If there's something that he absolutely has to share he can do it through a third party. 

I love that she's an idiot too. While I'm sure that being with someone who's stupid has its appeal at first because you always get your own way and they always agree with you it probably won't last because it will just become annoying. So I really really hope she isn't pregnant because the last thing stupid people need to do is bring another person into the world who might be unfortunate enough to inherit their intellect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My twisted little mind was just thinking that if you do have to talk to him again just give him one word answers. But instead of words like yes and no say "uh huh" and look like you are trying to pretend that you understand what he's talking about but really don't . maybe throw in a few "wow"s if he shares something that he is upset about and is looking to you for support on. 

Then laugh and tell him you are late for your MENSA meeting and walk away at double speed without giving him a chance to say goodbye let alone anything else. You have to be cracking up hard as you make your escape. He might know he is being mocked but he might not figure out how until he talks to her again. 

You should ask your friend more about what a conversation with brainless in Seattle is really like so you can nail it. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi Juicy,

Just wondered how you are doing and how things are going for you, did you find out anything?

Try to keep the focus on you and what you want, and he is so unpredictable anyway would you even want that long term or short term for that matter.

Think about how your life might look if you were with him, he can't even make his mind up, or make good decisions, very immature. 

Hang in there, most of us are right day by day steer the ship don't let it steer you. 

Peace


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## Brokenman85 (Jul 24, 2013)

Wise Fairy said:


> Hi Juicy,
> 
> Just wondered how you are doing and how things are going for you, did you find out anything?


Yeah, I've been wondering the same. I hope you are hanging in there. 

Want some hope? I thought I couldn't get any worse than I was for about 4 and 1/2 months. I was a pathetic mess.

Things are now starting to turn around for me. I met someone unexpectedly and we really connected. 

It still hurts that my wife left me and I would be lying if I said I didn't still love her, but I'm getting my hope and confidence back. 

You WILL love again. Use this time to make yourself a better, more fulfilled person and it will help you for the rest of your life!

Your life will start to get better soon...I promise!:smthumbup:


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

BM
I couldn't get any worse than I was for about 4 and 1/2 months. I was a pathetic mess.

Lol! I figure I have another 4 1/2 months to go then.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, thank you for your posts. Sorry I've been rubbish and haven't posted on here. 

I actually have one update to tell you all. Well after meeting up with him and talking he was texting me trying to be friendly and stuff. Then on the Friday he texted me saying he was out with his best friend (Reece- I am using fake names here but it makes it easier to understand) and told me I should come along. It was really strange and what made it weirder is that he knows I go out with his Reece and his girlfriend (Lucy) and he didn't even mention if Lucy was coming along that evening. 

I had planned to meet up with Lucy anyway so when I met with her I told her the whole story. It was really good actually being able to tell her what had happened, I had been keeping it inside me for a long time. She told me she hadn't been invited and Reece didn't know either. So we decided to go meet them. I don't know if it was a good idea but tbh when I decided I had drank quite a bit and just wanted to go and get it over and done with. 

It was really strange being there all together because we all used to go out together as a group. I felt bad as I think Reece and Lucy felt really awkward. The evening went ok, my exH was being super friendly even hugging me. I just wanted to get it all over with, I mean I didn't understand why he was still texting me and stuff so I thought this would be an opportunity to talk to him.

Unfortunately he was pretty drunk by the time we got there, so I only managed to speak to him after Reece and Lucy left. He was apologetic and said he was confused about things. He was pretty judgy about me smoking and was saying how I had "lied" to him about not smoking. Tbh in the end I was left confused about things...I just wanted to know so I could get on with my life without thinking about everything you know. I guess I put myself in this position again but I thought if I could talk to him I would be able to fully move on. Things have just got really confusing I mean he is still with the OW but was talking to me saying he wasn't sure about things and that he never stopped loving me. I just don't know, I keep getting pulled back in and I know it's my fault I'm probably setting myself up for a big fall...I do feel silly posting this because again I know I am putting myself in this situation it's just I don't think I've fully let go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi J,

Don't feel bad none of us really let go until we are ready, I am still in that stage of letting go and giving it over to the higher power so to speak. 

It is an awful thing to go through, and I am sure you just wanted to see him anyway, but you are seeing him seeing him for who he is.

Here is the thing J if he cared he wouldn't still be with the other woman, he just can't be alone though that's for sure to work out his issues.

So you still don't know if she is pregnant or not because that is a major issue?

We sometimes take 3 steps back and two forward it doesn't matter how old we are we all make mistakes. This limbo period is the worst, I want out of it myself my ex left that should be the end of it period. But being compassionate and with empathy I love and love and fall hard. 

You are quite young still and have your life ahead of you, you can chose to be free and get through this where you make the decisions, or wait for him and his self to pull it together. 

Major cake eating J you know that.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Wise Fairy said:


> Hi J,
> 
> Don't feel bad none of us really let go until we are ready, I am still in that stage of letting go and giving it over to the higher power so to speak.
> 
> ...


I agree with this completely. Letting go can't be forced, it just happens when the time is right for you. I still haven't let go completely, but I've been happier and have been enjoying myself. Had an awesome Saturday night out clubbing .

We're both young, we both have a lot of life and time ahead of us, so I'm going to live it up. What about you?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He isn't the type of guy to be alone so he won't leave her unless you would take him back immediately. And since he isn't sure about her he wants to keep his foot in the door with you. 

Being with you is a risk. Being with her is a risk. But he knows she wants him so the risk is less. 

Is she pregnant? 

Does she know you were out enough him? 

I have no idea why you went out with him. You are still married but he is with her now. 

He is such a lousy cake-eater. And a loser.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies.

I do feel very stupid now, I know everyone told me not to reply to him but at the time I just really wanted to hear from him. I've set myself up and now I'm falling down really hard...I can only blame myself for being so stupid  I'm crying so much these past days because I am so hurt and I let him rip my heart out again. I'm so pathetic I was doing so well then I let him draw me back in and now I feel like I am back to the beginning again...

Seriously I don't expect any sympathy I am just a stupid young idiot who thought Hollywood endings could be real...I'm even crying now as I write this...so sad. I should have listened to everyone but instead I thought I was doing the right thing. 

He is with the OW, I guess I should have known... I feel so pathetic and stupid I can't even write on here anymore. I hate feeling like this it's so sad...just one sad story. And the sad thing is I don't even think he realises how much he has hurt me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

So let this be the very LAST time! I am sorry you are hurting so much. I hope the next time he calls and/or texts you ignore him. 

He's an idiot, but I do think he knows he is hurting you, how could he not? I think you should change your phone number, you don't have any reason to communicate with him, and plenty of reasons not to.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hey, chin up! You aren't the first nor will you be the last person to find letting go tremendously difficult. Doing beat yourself up. That only makes things worse. The underlying emotion is what it is and it would be that way even if you hadn'nt gone out with him. It just wouldn't be as strong. 

So cut yourself a break.

Try to remember what happened and how you now feel. Write it down and look at it if he tempts you again so you will find it easier to be strong and protect yourself. 

Here is the question on my mind. Do you want him back? 

If he wanted to go back to you would you accept him (if he agrees to several non-negotiable requirements of course )?

Do you think he would be able to follow rules? Can he be trusted at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wise Fairy (Sep 17, 2013)

Hi J, 

Sorry you are so sad, please don't call yourself stupid you are not. <<<hugs>>>

J, I was just in your position and I am old lol! my ex (I like saying that) came back fooled me I was back to square one as well, it was worse than any other time I had been through it before. 

I isolated myself for two weeks didn't want to see anyone, hear from anyone or talk to anyone it just wasn't me. I allowed myself to heal somewhat and just this Monday morning decided that I will not allow the ex to ever hurt me again, and I made that promise to myself. 

I told someone that I didn't get closure, you know because I didn't know what I did, but here is what they said "the hurt is closure enough"!!! 

It's the love in heart that's why we hurt so much, it can't just drain out your know it doesn't work like that. 

Allow yourself to feel the pain, try to do something with some friends, at first try having them over at yours if you can make some food do something you like so they can just sit with your and listen (they have to be those kind of friends lol!)

Then make some plans for the week do something, go somewhere where he is not going to be, slowly you will start to feel better, like you said you was doing so much better before. 

Don't let him play the head games with you, don't text, email, call this one was so hard for me, but day by day pulling away.

J they don't give a chit if we hurt or not, and their words cut, we needed to set boundaries, so do this now. 

Right now the ex better not show his face around here or else, you will get to this stage if you do the distance and give it time. 

He is a plonker J and you know it. 

Fellow Brit


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: Husband said he didn't love me and left me...*



Wise Fairy said:


> Hi J,
> Allow yourself to feel the pain, try
> 
> He is a plonker J and you know it.
> ...


The advice to let yourself feel the pain is really good. People who they to cover it up or bury it find that it hits them eventually anyway. I think it is far healthier to feel it and face it now. 

Wallow in it for while. Indulge it. Then call it a spoiled brat that demands entirely too much of your time and attention. Tell it to ****** off because you have much better things to do than to sir there and listen to it complain about some loser guy that anyone in their right mind would be happy to have gone. 

Remember you are loved by plenty of people who aren't Mr Loser Dude. It is a big, amazing world full of opportunity to meet and fall in love with at least a dozen losers just like him. 

See? He is not so special after all!


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone thank you for your replies.
> 
> I do feel very stupid now, I know everyone told me not to reply to him but at the time I just really wanted to hear from him. I've set myself up and now I'm falling down really hard...I can only blame myself for being so stupid  I'm crying so much these past days because I am so hurt and I let him rip my heart out again. I'm so pathetic I was doing so well then I let him draw me back in and now I feel like I am back to the beginning again...
> 
> ...


Don't feel stupid, everyone has backslides. Myself included and I'm near perfect  haha.

I know what it's like really wanting to hear from someone. I long to hear from my wife, I long to be near her, to hold her, to smell her perfume - but, these longings pass. 

Hollywood endings don't exist, I thought I'd found mine, but I really hadn't. I'm young too, this whole process has forced me to learn a lot and grow up a lot. I won't be making those same mistakes again .

The leaving party almost never realises just how much pain they cause. It's sad, but it is what it is.



> Fellow Brit


Nice to know I'm not the only one!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hello everyone,

Thanks so much for your posts...I really needed to hear all of that. I haven't replied because I have been thinking alot lately, sometimes I feel that's all I am ever doing. 

I realised one thing which I have been doing to myself, that is over thinking the whole situation and letting it affect my life. 

There are days when I come home from work and I just want the hours to pass by, I sit and watch tv, not motivated to do anything. I go out shopping, I don't buy anything but I just want to kill time. It's a crazy way of living life...it literally is watching your life go by and it's like you are there, you're living and breathing but you're not really there if that makes sense. 

I thought alot about it today and have decided that living like that is crazy...I have been doing it for the past two weeks. But I'm not going to do it anymore, I have a life to live regardless of the situation. Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and I cried every evening in my room on my own (seriously I know people probably think I am crazy)

I don't want to give up, I don't want to wait around and let my life go by. I am going to try real hard to be strong and enjoy myself and make something of my life. I have an application to write for a job I would love and I have been putting it off. I am going to start writing it today, because I know that there is the whole situation with him but I can't let those thoughts take over my mind every single minute of the day. 

Sorry if this is a weird post, I think it's mainly to myself...I felt I needed to write all of this down. I am going to carry on, because yes it's a sh*t situation and yes this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through in my life...but surely it will get better? and I believe that this world is full of wonderful things and people so I shouldn't give up already. I chose to live my life, I am not going to screw because of him.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Wise Fairy said:


> He is a plonker J and you know it.
> 
> Fellow Brit


Thank you for the hugs WiseFairy, and I laughed at this bit at the end, he is a total plonker! love that there are fellow Brits on here! *hugs*


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Thank you for the hugs WiseFairy, and I laughed at this bit at the end, he is a total plonker! love that there are fellow Brits on here! *hugs*


We Brits need to stick together .

Specially us with plonkers for spouses .


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> Thanks so much for your posts...I really needed to hear all of that. I haven't replied because I have been thinking alot lately, sometimes I feel that's all I am ever doing.
> 
> ...


That's the spirit Juicy . 

Self-motivational posts are always good, because not only do people give you encouragement, you can refer back to them yourself.

Good luck with the application! I'm sure you'll do great .

I don't think you're crazy at all. I shut myself away and cried every night for 3 weeks when she left - I think it's normal. Or maybe I'm crazy too? Who knows.

The world is full of wonderful things and wonderful people, you're right. Now is your time to get out there and enjoy the world. If you can enjoy your life and learn to be happy without him, then that's something very valuable to learn from a break-up. It's always possible to turn something negative in to a positive.

Just remember that your self-worth isn't measured by your husband, any relationships, the number of friends you have, how much you have in the bank or what car you drive. It's measured by who you are as a person, your values and your morals. You seem like a good person, so never forget your self-worth .


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How many of the following apply to him?

I guess he is not mingy cheese eating surrender monkey.



> Tosser – Supreme ******* or jerk.
> Wanker – Idiot
> Slag – *****, the worst kind
> Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys – The French
> ...


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> How many of the following apply to him?
> 
> I guess he is not mingy cheese eating surrender monkey.


Haha, I like these.

My STBXW is an Airy Fairy Nutter.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Juicy said:


> There are days when I come home from work and I just want the hours to pass by, I sit and watch tv, not motivated to do anything. I go out shopping, I don't buy anything but I just want to kill time. It's a crazy way of living life...it literally is watching your life go by and it's like you are there, you're living and breathing but you're not really there if that makes sense.


Juicy, I just wanted to let you know I know exactly how you feel. I have been doing this same stuff for the past few MONTHS. I am in a funk, I know I have to snap out of it for my well being, I know what is causing it, I just can't seem to DO IT. Even when I try. 

Please don't think you are crazy or not normal. The good thing is you recognize there is a problem and are trying to fix it. Alot of people go through life in the daze you are talking about with no clue that they have the power to change things. Blaming external circumstances or other people instead of looking inward.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone thank you for your replies it really means a lot to me. I have been feeling better but I just got a message this evening that has made me feel so low and sad. 

It is a message from my H's brother, we never really got along but we managed to be civil and we could have a laugh at times. This is what he sent me: 

"May I make myself perfectly clear, you will leave my brother alone from now on. He's a much better person without you, and will not have you drag him down anymore, he's wasted too many years on you and I'm not gonna let him waste anymore. You're not a proper married couple it wasn't a wedding out of love. His current gf has done more for him in 6 months than what you've done in 5 years. 

Your family hates him and mine you. There is no future. Now accept it and go ruin someone else's life."

When I read this I was like wow...what a complete pos! The funny thing is does he know that it was my H who contacted me saying misses me, he wants to see me, he loves me etc?!

I am so hurt and sad by this message. I never ruined his life I only made it so much better, I helped him get through university I helped him decide what career path to follow. I advised him how to become a teacher, wrote his applications, took him to his interviews. Every step of the way I was there always supporting and loving him. I did everything for him, believe me I was always the one to look out for him and put him first. I put him before myself, helped him get so far on life and left myself with nothing after he left. 

It hurts so much where he says that the OW has done more for him... I'm sorry but that is utter bull**** !!! How can he even say that?! 

One thing that makes dm laugh is that he said my family is crazy but look who's being crazy now and interfering. If he is playing messenger then that's just sad, it's pathetic really of my H didn't have the balls to say this himself. 

You know what my H wouldn't say any of this because it's all bull**** (sorry about my language) but I'm so angry and sad at the same time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I'm trying not to let the message upset me, I hate how he hasn't got his facts straight before he comes blaming me...I know it's silly but I feel scared he is going to send me more texts and just be rude


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone thank you for your replies it really means a lot to me. I have been feeling better but I just got a message this evening that has made me feel so low and sad.
> 
> It is a message from my H's brother, we never really got along but we managed to be civil and we could have a laugh at times. This is what he sent me:
> 
> ...


Oh Juicy

I am so sorry for you... Nothing your ex brother in law said is true.
He is saying those words to hurt you because his brother is hurting. People are ill spirited and mean, they think words do not hurt but it is my experience that words are stronger than physical blows.

If my ex brother in law would care a **** about my ex, he would probably send me a text similar to the one you received.

Hugs to you and stay strong


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone thank you for your replies it really means a lot to me. I have been feeling better but I just got a message this evening that has made me feel so low and sad.
> 
> It is a message from my H's brother, we never really got along but we managed to be civil and we could have a laugh at times. This is what he sent me:
> 
> ...


Juicy, that sucks  I really feel for you.

It sounds to me like your H has been blame shifting to his family/brother. This is very common and my ex has blame shifted on to me also. It's horrible, but as long as you know different, and the people who care about you know different, don't let it get to you.

Remember, his family are no longer your concern, or of any importance to you, why should it matter what they think? I'm glad to be rid of some of my in-laws. Some of them I genuinely loved though .

My wife accuses me of ruining her life, but I did everything for her throughout our 6 years. When we met she was having a hard time at home, so I gave her somewhere to live pretty quickly after getting with her, I supported her through times of unemployment, financially and emotionally. I gave her a large amount of money to pay for some corrective surgery (which I didn't think she needed, and told her this frequently) for a breast "deformity" that was crippling her self-esteem. I supported her financially through learning to drive (at my own cost of not being able to afford to learn). I helped her buy a car, I built her a high-end PC that she wanted. I used to walk two miles every Saturday to meet her for lunch when she was at work and it was my day off, and numerous other things that I won't list because I'd be here all morning. Yet, in her eyes I'm the worst thing that ever happened to her.

Why? Because she wants to justify her decision to leave. The more I think about it, the more I'm certain that there's another man involved (or perhaps woman? I just don't know her anymore). 

Your husband is just trying to justify his decision to leave you by blame-shifting, and in the short-term it may work.

Think of it like this: All the time he spends kidding himself, you are healing, you are getting over him and moving on. One day, the reality will hit him, the blame shifting will stop, and the weight of his decision will hit him like a ton of bricks, and it will be 100x worse than if he'd just faced it head on and taken the time to heal and move on. I take comfort knowing that my ex will suffer. I know that's not really a nice thing to say, but she deserves it, and I deserve better.

You deserve better too, don't tolerate his crap, just ignore it and let him play his childish games.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> I feel scared he is going to send me more texts and just be rude


If you have an Android phone you can reject his number, no texts, no calls.

Not sure if iPhone or Windows Phone have a similar feature, but I'll bet they do.

Don't tolerate it or allow yourself to be put through all of this. Do what you need to do for you .


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

WantWifeBack said:


> If you have an Android phone you can reject his number, no texts, no calls.
> 
> Not sure if iPhone or Windows Phone have a similar feature, but I'll bet they do.
> 
> Don't tolerate it or allow yourself to be put through all of this. Do what you need to do for you .


Thank you everyone, yes he is an absolute pos who is talking bull****! I am so sad and angry at the same time...I really just want to message him back and tell h he needs to get his facts straight before he starts mouthing off...and I feel like he is making threats in a way...I don't want to be intimidated by him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Thank you everyone, yes he is an absolute pos who is talking bull****! I am so sad and angry at the same time...I really just want to message him back and tell h he needs to get his facts straight before he starts mouthing off...and I feel like he is making threats in a way...I don't want to be intimidated by him .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't respond, don't give him that satisfaction. Whether he or his brother has his facts straight or not is of no importance to you anymore. It's not your concern .

Sad and angry is normal, the sadness will pass, the anger may remain a little longer, but that will pass too.

Rise above it, hold your head high, and show them that you are the better person, because you clearly are.

If he continues to harass you, keep the texts, and report him to the police.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I just caught up with your thread, today, Juicy. I'm sorry that your STBXBIL was such a jerk to you. His meanness was really uncalled for. I agree with WWB that you should just block him and don't respond. It's obvious that he doesn't want to see the truth about what happened. It's sad when people that we once thought were 'family' by marriage turn against us because of a marriage split -- even if we weren't really close during the marriage. *YOU* know the truth of what happened. He doesn't. Hold on to your truth. Once you see this, you know you don't want to be connected to people like him anyway, right?

At any rate, I just saw this on FB and thought of you:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Juicy, I think what I would do with that message is forwarded to your husband without comment.

If the brother contact you again my suggestion would be to send him a cease and desist. If he contact you again after that have a lawyer sent him a letter. 

This is none of his damn business. I am really hopping angry right now. I can definitely see why you haven't gotten along with him in the past. 

Try to get your head around that job application and continue down the path toward realizing all of your dreams. If you do good things for yourself I know you will also do good things for other people. So it isn't completely selfish to want to be successful. When you have gifts and talents failing to use them is a sin. So don't let this moron family prevent you from going forth and doing good things with your life and shining your light on others. 

Where all specks of dust, but that brother is a dust mite.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you all an update. I had been meaning to for ages but first I wanted to see how things would work out. 

As you all know my ex H contacted me around the beginning of October, calling me and saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Then I met up with him and he said that the OW he is seeing might be pregnant and all of that. Well the truth is between then and beginning of December I had been meeting up with him, sometimes just for a coffee. But then we started going out for drinks with his best friend and inviting me out with them. It was so strange going out a group again it was me, my ex H, his best friend and the best friends gf (who is also my friend). We got so close again both emotionally and physically. 

I really believed everything he said; that he had made a mistake and that he loved me and wanted to fix things so we could be together. He told me to trust him so many times and said to give him time to sort things out with the OW. I stupidly believed all of it, and just kept meeting up with him whenever he was free and he wanted to see me. 

That's the sad thing, when I look back on it I realise how I ran every time he clicked his fingers, there would be weeks where I would just spend my time staring at my phone waiting for that text or call from him. It was crazy the way I was sucked back in and totally believed it all. 

I know I should have seen the warning signs. I know I shouldn't have given him the time of day as long as he was still with her. But to top it all off he asked to meet me for a drink and wanted to spend the evening together. At this point I was still delusional and believed we were getting back together. He had sent me a text a few days before telling me he was serious about us and would do everything to make it work. 

I ignored the warnings and met up with him. We had dinner, drinks and enjoyed ourselves. Then he decided to drop a bomb shell. He told me he has been very depressed over the past months, that he has no social life and no time for anything. All he does is work and spend time at home working as well. So he had decided to apply for a job in Dubai, got the job and signed the contract to go work there for two years. 

I was in shock, I really believed we were getting back together. I couldn't believe he had decided this on his own and was telling me to go and be happy. It's like he used it as an excuse to end things between us. He said he was going to tell the ow that he was going and she would probably end it with him. But you know I don't think he has even told her or even if he did she wouldn't care she would probs stay with him until he went anyway because she was so desperate in the first place. 

It's funny how he tried to spin it off as what he was doing would make me happy. If he really cared he wouldn't have lied to me, kept me hanging on, told me all these things, had sex with me and promised me that he would fix things. He is so selfish and cares only about himself. 

I know I should have listened to everyone but I really thought that it was different this time. I thought we were getting somewhere and totally believed that by Christmas we would be back together. Sounds crazy but that's how much I wanted to be together again, I guess my hopes clouded my judgement. 

So after that I had a massive go at him and shouted, cried and he just said he needed to go so he could change and become a better person. He said he had decided he was going and it was final. 

I really didn't know how to feel, all I felt was betrayed, sad and angry. He even just walked off, left me and got on the bus. I guess he couldn't stand around and listen to what I was saying. It was such a sh*t way to end it all. But he was never good at thinking about these things anyway.

So I haven't heard from him since then (nearly three weeks ago now). I don't expect anything from him, but what makes me laugh is that he still has a photo of him and the I was his whatsapp so it's obvious he was either lying or he hasn't told her or maybe he has told her but she's too stupid to care.

I know I should have listened and seen the warning signs. There was no point of putting myself through all of the heartbreak again. I guess at least I know what he really is. A coward with no backbone, I fell in love with him but he was a different guy back then. Anyway I just wanted to share this with you all. It didn't seem right not letting you all know what happened. I hope everyone else is doing ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I haven't been checking in regularly. I'm really sorry to hear this turn of events.

You characterize him correctly. he is a coward. He's running away from both of you and if she is pregnant from his responsibility. But I don't think this is the last time you'll hear from him. When he gets to Dubai I'm sure he's going to be lonely and you'll be the first person he calls.

If it's at all possible change your email and your phone numbers. Let him know what it's like to be abandoned. 

Does his so called girlfriend have any idea that the two of you were seeing one another? Normally I would tell you to make sure that she knows about it. But in this case you'd be doing him a favor and he's a guy who doesn't deserve any favors.


He will look back and regret all of his actions. Make sure that when he looks back that you aren't there for him to used / lean on.

He has no right to take advantage of your strength or your love for him. He's not deserving of it. Quite honestly he's one big f*** up. Is a 12 year old in a man's clothing.

Take care of yourself. Eat well exercise get enough sleep and remember that he is the one who is losing out. You will benefit by his departure. 

Trust me in that one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you all an update. I had been meaning to for ages but first I wanted to see how things would work out.
> 
> As you all know my ex H contacted me around the beginning of October, calling me and saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Then I met up with him and he said that the OW he is seeing might be pregnant and all of that. Well the truth is between then and beginning of December I had been meeting up with him, sometimes just for a coffee. But then we started going out for drinks with his best friend and inviting me out with them. It was so strange going out a group again it was me, my ex H, his best friend and the best friends gf (who is also my friend). We got so close again both emotionally and physically.
> 
> ...


Juicy,

Time and again, we learn that nothing is "real" until posOW and/or posOM is out of the picture - permanently.

I'm sorry you learned that the hard way.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone, I just wanted to give you all an update. I had been meaning to for ages but first I wanted to see how things would work out.
> 
> As you all know my ex H contacted me around the beginning of October, calling me and saying he missed me and wanted to see me. Then I met up with him and he said that the OW he is seeing might be pregnant and all of that. Well the truth is between then and beginning of December I had been meeting up with him, sometimes just for a coffee. But then we started going out for drinks with his best friend and inviting me out with them. It was so strange going out a group again it was me, my ex H, his best friend and the best friends gf (who is also my friend). We got so close again both emotionally and physically.
> 
> ...


Wow Juicy, I'm sorry that this happened.

It sounds like you're H is a childish and selfish boy.

It's one thing to leave someone and break their heart, but it's another thing entirely to keep toying with them afterwards. Only the coldest and most horrible people are capable of doing such a thing.

You sound like you're quite like me, in that you need to learn lessons the hard way. Yeah, it sucks, but those lessons stay with you that way. I think everyone who goes through what you have wants to believe that things are different for them - I know I did. The truth is, maybe 1 in 1,000 times it is different, but those are pretty slim odds.

From my point of view, you would be better off without this poor excuse for a man in your life. Him moving to Dubai is perfect - you won't have to see him or bump in to him while you're out and about. Count that as a blessing.

Don't be too hard on yourself for allowing yourself to be strung along - it's done now. Just learn from it, and resolve to never let it happen again. 

It may not seem like it now, but you have your whole life ahead of you still, and it is what you make it. Work on you, focus on you and build a better future. Build it alone, for you. Don't rely on anyone to help you make your future, because people are unreliable. That way, when the right guy comes along to share that future with you, it will be an amazing bonus .

Again, I'm sorry that you had to go through this, keep updating your thread and I'm sure everyone at TAM will support you through this.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Juicy, I'm sorry that this happened, but I notice a difference in your 'voice' when you posted that. Yes, you regret it, but it sounds to me like you've learned a lot in that time, too. It was a sad way to learn it, but you sound wiser. You've looked at yourself, recognized how you allowed your hopes to cloud your better judgement. If you can retain this lesson, you'll be far less likely to be hurt like this again -- you just won't be as likely to pick another person like him. 

Is everything legally done between the two of you? If not, you might need to clean it all up before he leaves the country.

If it is all done, then look forward to not having to deal with him. I agree with clipclop -- if it doesn't complicate things for you too much, change your contact information. 

Then look forward: work on you, and how you want your future to be.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you everyone for your replies. 

Clipclop - thank you so much, you are totally right he is a coward. And I don't want him to use me anymore and I won't let him. He is not a real man at all.I met up with some mutual friends the other day and they asked me if I had heard from him. I told them I hadn't and they said they hadn't seen him either. I was pretty surprised that my ex H hadn't seen his best friend or bothered to reply to him. I think either he is just too busy or he is just ashamed to face him because his best friend knows the full story and everything that has happened. So it's interesting in a way he is cutting everyone off. 

Conrad - yes I really should have told him that I didn't want anything to do with him until he ended things with the ow. I have definitely learnt the hard way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Wantwifeback - thank you, yes I will focus on myself from now. Over the Christmas holidays I have found it hard. I have been surprised at how emotional I have felt and have wanted to cry. I think it's been hard as it was the first Christmas without him over the past five years. Everytime I hear a song or see something that rinds me of him I want to cry. I am determined not to let myself fall back to square one. 

Angelpixie - I do feel I have learnt something from all of this. I know I was living off false hope and deep down I think I knew that he wasn't going to follow through with his promises. It has been a hard lesson learnt. But the truth is if he really loved me he would have ended things with the ow and done everything he could to make it work. But he just wants an easy life and never commits to anything. I think he is just lost, and tbh he isn't a real man. He can't stick to his word and thinks it's ok to play around between two women. In the end I don't think he even knew what he really wanted. But he has made his choice and I don't want to fall behind. I am going to try my hardest and focus on me. 

Thank you everyone and I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Maybe he'll get caught doing something that is not halal and will end up in jail.

What a liar and drama queen. Forget him.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Maybe he'll get caught doing something that is not halal and will end up in jail.
> 
> What a liar and drama queen. Forget him.
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


Haha! Thank you LongWalk that would be too funny. Mind you he is probably that careless to do something like that. Atm it seems unclear of he is really going or not. But either it doesn't matter, because I am going to focus on myself. You're right he is a drama queen, it's all about him and what he needs and wants. And I don't want to run every time he clicks his fingers. 

I was feeling really sad today I cried so much. I think it was because I kept bringing out these memories that I had kept in the back of my mind. It has been a hard past few days but I don't want to fall back to the beginning so I will stay strong and live my life. 

Hope everyone had a lovely Christmas and wish you a happy new year!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Darlin'

I don't know you but I have affection for you best based on your sense of humor and your perseverance. I'm shallow so the former more than the latter but i think that is a greater indication of success anyway. 
F
Do you know the song Let Him Fly?

I'm not a big country fan but google this one. 

It took a while to understand the beauty of letting go...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Darlin'
> 
> I don't know you but I have affection for you best based on your sense of humor and your perseverance. I'm shallow so the former more than the latter but i think that is a greater indication of success anyway.
> F
> ...


Thank you so much clipclop2 I am trying my best to stay positive and focus on myself. Some days it kills and I find myself thinking about him non-stop, crying about the situation and feeling so low. But I have to remind myself that life doesn't stop after him, I still have years ahead of me and it's not too late to change things. 

I'm not going to pretend that it's easy to stay positive but this is how my life is right now so I'm going to make do with what I have, plus I can work harder to get better and make a better life for myself. I'm not afraid of hard work do I know I can do it , just need to stay positive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

There is nothing wrong with grieving a loss. Wallowing however... 

If you find yourself unmotivated, consider doing something for someone else to help you shift focus. You could also put on some FU music and channel anger. Anger can motivating in the right place. 

You will do what you need to do at the very least. That can be very little and be very unfulfilling or you can do what you want to do, which should be succeed send be proud of yourself.  You aren't afraid of the work. That's good. The question is, what work do you want to do? What are you're aspirations? What steps must you take to reach your goals? 

Plan, work and have faith. You know you will survive. That's just a given. So you might as well do it to the highest of your ability. 

The first thing I would recommend is to make sure you take care of the legal aspects of severing your ties to chicken ****. It will be bittersweet but striking first also helps regain control of your life. 

Faith. Just believe.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you clipclop2... Tbh I have been feeling really low lately I just can't stop thinking about everything that has happened. I'm sorry to bring down the mood I just don't know how to feel. I think maybe because there are a few family problems and so the atmosphere in the house isn't helping me at all. 

I had a good Christmas, I went away with my sister which was good. I don't think I could have endured Christmas with the whole family I really didn't like the idea of going to see them without my ex husband. And I was worried about New Year's Eve but I went to a nice bar in London with my sister and her friends and had a really good time. I got talking to one of the guys out with us and we exchanged numbers. At first I thought about my ex H but then I thought well why shouldn't I let myself talk to other guys and make friends?, I mean he really doesn't care because he's with the ow. 

I actually went out for a drink with the guy but I didn't tell anyone, I just didn't want to make a big thing of it incase nothing came of it. I had a really nice evening but since then he hasn't even bothered to reply to me. So I don't know I just felt angry, I mean why was it so easy for my ex H to find the ow? But I feel like it's taking me so long to find someone else. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself. And sometimes I think maybe I am thinking too much and pressuring myself. I guess I should be focusing on myself and not on finding a new relationship so soon. Tbh a lot of people told me that I should look after myself and make sure I work to achieve all my goals. 

I don't know I think my confidence has got so low that I am just happy to receive any male attention. It's silly I know but I have noticed a change in the way I act around guys, like I'm afraid I might be coming off as desperate. Did anyone feel like this? Or go through anything similar? Any advise would be appreciated because I am so lost right now, feeling really low 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Thank you clipclop2... Tbh I have been feeling really low lately I just can't stop thinking about everything that has happened. I'm sorry to bring down the mood I just don't know how to feel. I think maybe because there are a few family problems and so the atmosphere in the house isn't helping me at all.
> 
> I had a good Christmas, I went away with my sister which was good. I don't think I could have endured Christmas with the whole family I really didn't like the idea of going to see them without my ex husband. And I was worried about New Year's Eve but I went to a nice bar in London with my sister and her friends and had a really good time. I got talking to one of the guys out with us and we exchanged numbers. At first I thought about my ex H but then I thought well why shouldn't I let myself talk to other guys and make friends?, I mean he really doesn't care because he's with the ow.
> 
> ...


Don't ever feel sorry for bringing down the mood, we are here to support each other and lean on each other as we traverse the divorce process which is very painful.
From my own experience, yes, your confidence is probably very low. I do not know how to boost it as I am working on it myself. I am getting better than I was a few months ago.

I will tell you what worked for me. I acknowledge the mistakes I made in my marriage. I took control of what I could have done differently, I envisioned my life going back to my ex and I realized I do not want to do that. 

After separation, I went through a phase of feeling unloved, unwanted, and very very ugly. I made a fake profile on craigslist ( a bad place) and sought friends from a different city.
A lot of men responded, but I found that I did not want their validation. I did not want to chat with them. I wanted nothing to do with them. However, the amount of responses made me feel better.
Very recently I contacted an ex boyfriend. We texted, flirted, etc. I came on too strong because I actually liked this guy. His validation was different. I shouldn't have needed his validation but I did and it has helped me to realize that there are other men who may find me attractive.
At the moment, I do not want to engage in any type of relationship. I am in it for me. I want to be happy in my own skin. 
Tell yourself you are beautiful, tell yourself you are intelligent, and smart, and forgive yourself for the mistakes you may have made in your marriage.
Be happy and love others.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you for your reply ne9907, it helps to post about how I am feeling and share ideas with others on TAM. 

I really do feel it's all to do with confidence I mean since the end of April 2013 (when my ex H ended our relationship) I have had times of feeling ok then feeling really low. I know what you mean about male attention...it's like I need to get some validation to feel good about myself. I don't feel like I'm not attractive but I feel like maybe I'm not confident enough around guys. 

I actually was talking to a lady at work who told me about her marriage ended and what her ex H did to her. Talking about our similar situations was really helpful, and hearing her story made me feel better about my situation. I don't mean it in a bad way but her story was so sad and she has endured so much more than me. 

I don't want to give up now, I have worked so hard since my ex H ended our relationship. There have been so many times when I have found myself thinking about him then realising that I have done so much for myself without him helping me. So I guess I really can do it all, I just need to keep reminding myself and not lose focus.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This is a reminder for me to reply. 

Please don't let me not get back to this. I'm sorry for not being immediate.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Go to the gym and work out. Take wall climbing lessons. Everything that builds your physical and mental self confidence will make you attractive to men.

Also, being vulnerable can also attract males. The same signal can be right for one guy and wrong for another. But a smile is the best makeup.

Even though there is no IRL picture of you here, you seem succulent, moist, luscious, lush, fleshy, pulpy, soft, tender, fresh and ripe to me.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Husband said he didn't love me and left me...Husband said he didn't love me and l*

Keep remembering that your success is due to you. Nobody did it for you. If you want something enough you will make it happen. It works that way for some reason. 

You just gotta believe. 

Everyone wants some form of validation when they are down. Nothing wrong with flirting and being outgoing. Maybe join one of those meetup events and try an entirely new crowd. Just an experiment. A few smiles and laughs from new people will remind you that there are so many opportunities for fun and friendship that your stupidhead STBX is just an insignificant... stupidhead.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you LongWalk, your post made me smile. I will look after myself and make sure I look good so I can feel better. I'm not overweight but a lot of people have commented on how much weight I have lost and have even said I have become too skinny. So maybe I just need to eat more healthy and exercise, just get the balance right. 

Clipclop2 thank you, I will keep reminding myself that I can achieve success for myself. I will try out something new so I can meet new people, I was thinking of doing some volunteer work on the weekends to keep busy and meet people with similar interests. The only thing is I have been thinking a lot lately about my hopefully stbxh and I don't know why but the question keeps playing on my mind...is he going to go work abroad or not? I just started to doubt the whole thing and I think maybe it was just a cowards way out. He might have just used the whole I'm going to work abroad thing as an excuse to end it with me. I wasn't sure info should ask mutual friends if they know for sure. It's just that if I know at least I can feel able to get some closure and fully move on. It's been playing on my mind for weeks, tbh it makes no difference if he stays or goes but I just want to know for myself. Not sure if I should just ask our mutual friends if they know?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What sort of exercise do you enjoy?

This appeared in a blog (link follows)



> Name a challenge, any challenge you have had to overcome this year? *I can still remember the day when my life changed forever. July 20th, 2009, my wife basically told me that she doesn’t love me, and she wants a divorce. * I don’t think I actually felt anything immediately after that, I went into a state of shock and numbness, and fell into some sort of autopilot, part of reality, but detached from it as well. My life for the past eleven years, gone and over with overnight.
> 
> Of course, the shock and numbness wore off, and I dealt with the pending separation as best I could at the time, and started figuring out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life now. I felt like a cliché, the overweight, balding, middle-aged guy with an ex-wife, child support payments, and a dark empty house. Not to mention, alone and isolated; I didn’t know anyone else that was going through what I was.
> 
> ...


Blog

If you overcome physical and mental challenge in sport, you will exude self confidence and be more attractive.

Do you want to have children? Do you feel time is running out for your dreams of a family?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Who did he say was going to hire him abroad? Does he have a visa? Any criminal record? Even a DUI can prevent entry in some places.

Do you still share any credit card or phone accounts? 

Did he break up with her? 

Remember, he also said she was pregnant. 

What are the practical implications if he leaves? How does this impact you financially? Taxes are coming due. 

If there is any chance he is leaving, him being such a coward make some very untrustworthy when it comes to those practical issues that can follow you to the grave. 

Now on to this idea of volunteering on the weekends. I think it's wonderful! 

Do make sure that you are eating enough. Not doing so will sap your energy. It's important to try to keep n even blood sugar. Low blood sugar can call moodiness and depression. 

I know this because I fell into that same trap myself.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

LongWalk, I really enjoy dance classes which I was doing regularly before Christmas but haven't done much since. And I don't feel like I am running out of time to have a family but I do sometimes get scared. I fear that I won't find anyone else who will want me and love me. And I get so scared I will end up all alone, I've never been single because I met my H when I was 16 now I'm 22 so he is the guy I grew up with. 

ClipClop2 , it's funny because I saw our mutual friend yesterday and guess what...well turns out my H is not going to work abroad anymore. Apparently there were some problems with the contract, seriously what a load of bulls**t! Tbh after Christmas when I was out with our mutual friends, I said to his best friend and my friend that I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't go and made up some excuse, and they both agreed with me. So in the end I was right...he isn't even going to go work abroad and the ow isn't pregnant either. What he said about working abroad was just a coward's way out. After two months of giving me hope and then telling me he was going abroad only for it to turn out that he's not going. 

I can't say I am completely surprised because deep down I think I knew it was just an excuse for him to end things with me completely. I knew he wouldn't go, it was a joke really as he would have never survived on his own. His mother still makes him sandwiches for lunch I mean come on! I feel better that I know for sure now what he is doing as I needed to know to be able to fully move on. I rather he was going so I wouldn't have to hear about him or see him, but I guess it makes no difference if he stays or goes. Just wanted to update you on the situation, and let you all know what he really is a stupid and selfish coward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What a maroon.

So he use the I think she might be pregnant bit to make you feel guilty and to help justify why he wasn't with you. Then he came up with this boat is leaving the country to get an excuse to leave both of you. 

But he doesn't have the guts to leave!

There is no way he could recover your respect. He is kaput. LOL!

Man, you are do much better off without him. He is a pathetic joke. 
Time for a big GNO for you and done of your wildest buddies. Celebrate!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Clipclop2, he is a pathetic joke and you're right he can't even follow through with what he said about the whole job abroad.

He is a total douche bag, he is still with the ow which makes it more of a joke! I know I should be happy that I'm not with him anymore.

Sometimes I feel sad and I just think if I dealt with things differently maybe it wouldn't have worked out this way...but then again I guess if he really loved me then he wouldn't have given up so easily and he wouldn't have started a new relationship straight away.

I just said to my friend that he is so lost in his lies, I don't think he even knows how to get out of it. But you know what I am just taking comfort in the fact that I know I don't need someone to hold my hand. I don't need to start something serious straight away and I deserve to have a bit of fun. 

He can continue living in his lies, maybe he might regret his decisions one day but I guess time will tell. 

I admit it is hard ad sometimes I get so scared I will always be alone. But I know I have to try and focus on myself, and just get out there. I am definitely looking into volunteering over the weekends and I have been thinking alot about my career prospects so hopefully things will work out!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Okay, so I know I shouldn't be annoyed and I shouldn't have bothered even checking in the first place but I noticed that my stbxh has blocked me whatsapp. So now he has blocked me on facebook and whatsapp and it's like I never existed to him at all, five years were one big joke to him. 

Gosh what a complete douche bag, who needs a big slap in the face. Anyway maybe it's a good thing, I guess I didn't get any comfort or satisfaction from still being 'friends' on facebook or seeing his stupid whatsapp photos. 

I don't know why I gave him the time of day...what a f****ing jerk. Sorry just needed to rant about this, I think it just completed confirmed what a spineless guy he really is. 

But I should actually see this as a favour, and in a way it gives me a kick to actually stop thinking about him and his rubbish life and focus on myself and making my life better. (Think I needed a mini pep talk to myself!)


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He did do you a favor! 

It is done.

So finish the paperwork and open the next chapter light and free.

Life can take you places you never could have imagined. Open your mind and heart and drink it all in.


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## Bimbam (Jan 25, 2014)

Juicy said:


> Hi everyone, I know it's been such a long time since I posted and I hope it's ok to give this thread a bump back onto the first page.
> 
> Thank you for your reply Angelpixie, I have been having ups and downs these past few weeks. I actually spoke to my H about two weeks ago, it was so strange. We talked about a few things and in the end he said he wanted to stay friends and asked me to promise him that we could still be friends.
> 
> ...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Clipclop, yes you're right it is done now. I've spent too long waiting for him to come back and listening to his empty promises. Speaking to him for those two months and getting so close to him just slowed me down from moving on. But now it will be easier, I need to look forward and stop thinking about what he is doing. It doesn't matter anymore, I can only control my own actions and that's what I am going to do. It's my life that I'm throwing away if all I do is wait and think about him. So thank you I just need to remind myself that I can do this, I'm still young and can work to achieve my goals and dreams. 

Bimbam, it took my a few mins to recognise when I posted that post, gosh I have let him play me so much. I let him text me when he wanted to, I met up with him when he wanted to. And when he was busy he was cut me off like I never existed until the next time he would come crawling back for more and I would just give myself up so easily for him. I guess I have always made excuses for his behaviour and tried to 'understand' what he is going through. It was always 'poor me' and he wanted sympathy from me when in fact he was the one causing all the pain and hurt. If he really loved me and wanted to be with me like he said then he would have followed through with his promises, ended his relationship with the ow and started again with me.

But no he is selfish and spineless. He didn't even have to balls to be honest and open to my face. He used the whole excuse of going to work abroad to end things with me, what a spineless coward he really showed himself to be. I don't know why I made excuses, maybe because I wanted to believe that he would come back to me. But he is totally lost in his lies, he is living in a lie, his new relationship is built upon lies...gosh he is such a mess. 

I was thinking of exposing what he has done to the ow, but then again I though why put myself through that. If he can lie in her face and never tell her about the two months when he was seeing me and sleeping with me then that's his pathetic choice to make. I don't need to keep chasing after him and his life. I don't need to do that so he can come running back to me. I rest get he made his own decisions and came back because he really loved me. Not that I believe it will happen nor do I care anymore if he even did, but it's just the principle that he chose to come back himself rather than because the ow left him...I'm not going to be his back up plan anymore. 

He has hurt me way too much to deserve another chance, and maybe he will go on to live and enjoy his life. But I don't care, all I care about is me and what I am going to do. I don't want Rowan's up sad every morning, I want to be happy and enjoy my life. I was doing so well before, I'm not going to let myself go back to the beginning, I can't let that happen I have done too much to build up something for myself just to let it all fall down now. 

Thank you Bimbam for posting that, it really got me thinking.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Get yourself to the gym, Juicy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

So, what happened with the guy who was flirting with you at work?

Not saying you should get involved in a relationship but nothing wrong with being up front with the guy and going out for drinks or something.

You know the line you have to walk with that -- and if he is someone you might actually really like one day, don't do it at all, just wait. But if you don't see him as long-term and you are completely up front with him, nothing wrong with killing time with someone.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Ok thanks Longwalk, I am in pretty good shape, thinking of losing a pound or two but I think I know what you mean, that I just need to get myself out there more.

Clipclop2, thanks for your reply. Well the guy at work was quite flirty and when there was a staff social we both went and spent time talking together. But I think I was so silly back then, as it was around the time I was talking to and seeing my stbxh so I didn't really give the guy from work too much attention. So I think after that he kinda backed off a bit. 

Obviously I feel so silly now because I shouldn't have been so focused on my stbxh and could have been maybe starting a new relationship. But I am definitely not making that mistake again, I am not going to rush into anything but I am going to let myself have fun and meet new guys. 

Like you said Clipclop2 I don't think there is anything wrong with going out with guys. I mean I don't think I mentioned it but on New Years Eve I ended up spending a lot of time with one of the guys in our group, he was an Italian guy very confident and was pretty much all over me the whole evening. 

Tbh I didn't say no to him, I think I was just enjoying the attention. We went out for a drink about a week after New Years Eve, it was actually quite nice, he invited me back to his and really wanted me to go with him. But I don't know I decided not to go back with him and then he stopped texting me. So in a way I'm glad I didn't go back to his if that's all he was after. 

But I'm not going to let that put me off, I guess I just need to get back in the whole dating game as I have never really been single. I met my stbxh when I was 16 and I'm now 22 so I never worried about dating and meeting guys. Sometimes the whole thing freaks me out but then other times I feel excited and in a way being single can be quite fun. So I will just see how it all goes, not going to pressure myself or rush into anything.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Glad you didn't go back, too. Still, nice to be noticed. Your ex know about that?

You can always approach work guy.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks Clipclop2 I think it was a good decision not to go back, I think I was tempted to because I wanted to prove a point like that I can get with a guy just as easily as my stbxh can get with another woman. But I thought to myself why should I just do it to prove a point? I rather stay true to myself and meet guys worth spending my time with. But yeah it was nice getting the attention, think it gave my confidence a bit of a boost and it was fun having a flirt. 

I actually made sure I mentioned New Year's Eve and going out with the Italian guy to my friend (the girlfriend of my stbxh's best friend) I'm sure she will tell her boyfriend who might pass it on to my stbxh. I think it would be good if he heard about it so he knows I am not just sitting around waiting for him anymore but it doesn't matter too much if he doesn't anyway, makes no difference. 

I'm not sure what the whole situation is with the guy from work but I might just start talking to him more and see if he's interested, he is a nice guy. So I will just see and not rush into anything, I think I have been pressuring myself too much to move on quickly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Ah just need to rant! I'm just so sick of all this sh*t, I can't be bothered with it anymore. Seriously thinking of just closing my Facebook account it's totally pissing me off. I need to just throw my phone away, and forget these stupid social network rubbish websites. All people do is post photos and update their status trying to show how great their life is. I don't want to see or deal with any of it. Plus sometimes I feel like people who know me and my stbxh are just watching me, checking up on me to see if I have any 'updates' with a new guy. 

I just hate this feeling that everyone is comparing me and my stbxh and I don't want people to feel sorry for me like "poor her, she has no one now and her stbxh has a new girlfriend already" gosh I can't get these thoughts out of my head. Seriously f**k this. I am taking my time but I just feel so under the microscope.

Sorry for the swearing and angry rant I just wanted to type this even just for myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Teens have said FB makes them feel sad and inadequate. They are shutting down their accounts.

FB should be used to share ONLY with your close friends and family.

I know people who guard their FB like that. They use it judiciously.

The idea is to use it to communicate with special people. Once you get over the fear of offending people for not accepting their requests you will be able to use it properly.

Otherwise, terminate your acct.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing. 
Granted people are nuts.

I had a therapist want to LinkedIn to me! 

Think Jack Black. Cuckoo! Cuckoo!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You're only 22! You had me worried about you. Thought you had invested your 20s in your relationship with stbx. Time is on your side. 

Facebook is just a tool for communication. Use it creatively and confound all the nosy folks.

Put up a picture of a cheek getting a guy's name tattooed on it with caption "Love forever!"

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Clipclop2, it's true I think you should only use facebook to keep in contact with close friends and family. I recently went through my 'friends' list and removed people who I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time.

Sometimes I think maybe I should de-activate my account for a while, maybe until I feel more better letting people see my profile. I know it's silly but it's just like I feel I have something to prove. Like I need to show to everyone I'm ok and that I'm doing good without him. 

I'm going to try to get these thoughts out oof my head, I never used to care about what other people would say/think about me anyway.

Longwalk, thank you for your post. You've made me laugh, I am going to look for a witty picture and post it on my facebook. 
Will deffo make me feel better!

I've been keeping busy with work and things, and if I think of my stbx I remind myself that I'm letting him take over my thoughts and put me in a bad mood for the day. 

I also treated myself to a few new clothes and got my hair coloured which has helped my mood and lifted my confidence. It deffo makes me feel so much better when I go to work with my hair all glossy and wearing nice clothes so I am going to keep making the effort to look good. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction! 

I have been talking more to people at work, and with any guys I'm keeping it friendly as I don't want to come across as too desperate for a new guy. I haven't really pushed myself to talk to the guy at work because I heard he might be into one of the other girls who works there, so it's no problem I might just keep it friendly for now. At first it totally got me down, but then I brushed it off, he wasn't that amazing anyway!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your hair isn't purple is it?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Haha it's not purple Clipclop2, don't worry! I just lightened it, as my hair is very dark. It looks good though, I hadn't coloured it for a while. I know it sounds cliche but it has made me feel different and has given me a confidence boost.

The only thing that has been playing on mind this week is stupid Valentine's day. It's the first Valentine's day in five years which I won't be celebrating so feels a bit weird. Plus it doesn't help when you are walking around the shops and there's so much rubbish aimed at presents and gift ideas for 'your valentine' 

It really isn't helping but it's funny how my attitude towards this day has totally changed. When I was with my stbxh I placed so much emphasis on Valentine's day and always made sure we did something special. But now I'm all like gosh it's such a waste of time and money! 

I don't know if anyone has any tips for getting through Valentine's day? I am planning on going to see a film with friends one that is not romantic ofcourse! But if that doesn't work out if anyone has any good ideas let me know! Would be super appreciated!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What sort of work do you do?

re: Valentine's day
Do you live in London?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Just keep recognizing it for what it is. What exactly is the point of celebrating something that does nothing but cause you to worry and feel bad? For what? It is great to support the economy by spending money but celebrating love is better done because it has meaning to the relationship. Birthdays and anniversaries. 

Next relationship agree not to celebrate it at all. We don't recognize it except to take advantage of post VD candy sales!

I am glad your hair looks good and isn't purple.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Longwalk, I work in school so it's not a typical office job but it is going ok for now. I am thinking of working in education so for now this is good experience.

And yes I live in good old London, a very busy and fast paced city...suprising how it can be lonely sometimes. 

Thanks Clipclop2, you're right it's just another day. Someone once said to me that why should we just show our love on Valentine's day? why only one day of the year? Surely we should be showing our love for that special person everyday? I never really thought about it until now but it's so true. 

I'm just going to take it as another day and not let myself get bothered by it. I will let you know if I get up to anything interesting.

And I will post up a photo of my hair for you to see  just once I figure out the easiest way how to!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Use imgur.com to load the photo.

No doubt you are foxy

London has so many things to do.

Did you know you can even play underwater rugby in London? BBC story.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I managed to get through Valentine's day, it was pretty difficult at times especially hearing all about other people's plans for the day on the radio and at work. 

But I ended up going for drinks with a small group of people from work and then we went for dinner. It was quite nice, tbh I found one of the guys there soooo arrogant but I knew a few of the others so it wasn't too bad. In a way it was nice doing something different for Valentine's day and talking to people I never really have a chance to have a conversation with at work. 

The only thing that got me was when I was driving home I was listening to the radio and typically they were playing love songs. So I was switching over to find a radio station with some half decent songs when I ended up on Magic.fm and the song that was playing was Lionel Richie and Diana Ross - my endless love. I just started crying because that was the song we danced to for our first dance at our wedding. 

I know it's a bit silly but I actually hadn't heard that song since our wedding day. I guess it just got to me, especially hearing it on Valentine's Day. So today I just thought f*** it and went to the shops and treated myself to a few things. A bit of retail therapy always does the trick! Anyway I hope everyone else had a good Valentine's day!

And thanks Longwalk  haha I will get a nice photo and upload it on imgur.com. Living in London definitely has it's perks, there is lots to do and I never knew about underwater rugby, gosh that's crazy!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Valentine's Day is hard for many. When I was 6 or 7 years old the teachers had us make cards out of paper and glue, the kind that we used to taste. There we sat, folding paper and cutting out red and pink hearts. We then addressed our cards to individual classmates of the opposite sex (I supposed the gay and lesbiam children began to wonder what was wrong with them).

On Valentine's Day itself the horror arrived, for it turned into a competition to see who had received the most cards. Of course the cutest and most popular children were lavished with love, while the awkward, shy and ugly (majority?) suffered a tremendous humiliation.

Right then and there we got the lesson of life – love hurts.

Dianna Ross, yes.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

It so strange but I've never thought about valentines day like that before. I always put so much emphasis on it, insisting my stbxh buy me a rose every year and that we do something special. But it's so silly we should have had more days where we just showed our love for each other, why just do it on the one day? My view has definitely changed about it all now, maybe because in single atm but still I really have thought about it. 

I think these past weeks have been really hard, there have been so many moments where I have felt so low and just sad. I hate how I keep thinking about my stbxh, every time I do I remind myself I am wasting my time and snap out of it. 

I think it has been harder lately as there have been things going on at home where I'm living with my mother and it's really affecting me and putting me in a bad mood. I really hope it's not being reflected at work or when I'm out with friends. I really don't want to feel like I have gone back a few steps. I was doing really well around Christmas and everything but then mid Jan till now I feel lost. Sometimes I am so scared that I don't know what will happen, just scared about starting a new relationship and I feel likely confidence has completely plummeted down. 

I wish I never gave my stbxh the time of day when he starting talking to me again in October, it was a complete waste of three months of my time. I don't want to feel like this all the time, I am trying to keep busy and focus. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw everything up I have worked so hard for since he left me. It's just little things that set me off like on valentines day I heard Lionel Richie and Diana Ross- my endless love on the radio, it was the song we danced to at our wedding. When I heard it I just started crying, and thinking about everything. I even wondered if it's my own fault, maybe I shouldn't have given up on him so easily I shouldn't have let him wander off with the ow. 

I'm really trying to stay strong, any helpful tips would be great. I am waiting for counselling so hopefully it will help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Ahhhhhh! So ****ing pissed off right now! I'm screaming inside! Screw this ****!

Sorry for the bad language, this is just me needed to vent somewhere. Really thank gosh for TAM...keeps me relatively sane! Especially when feeling like s***! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Ahhhhhh! So ****ing pissed off right now! I'm screaming inside! Screw this ****!
> 
> Sorry for the bad language, this is just me needed to vent somewhere. Really thank gosh for TAM...keeps me relatively sane! Especially when feeling like s***!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Vent away hehe, I vented in my journal, or by putting loud music on and shouting what I wanted to get out. The music was far less offensive to the neighbours than what I was saying would have been .


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks so much WWB, I think I need to get out all my old rock songs so I can shout as loud as I like and get the anger all out! 

I actually had a nice chat with my mother yesterday evening, just discussed things and how I was feeling. Gosh mothers are so good and always make everything seem so much better! She just reminded me of little things I had forgotten about, she told me I'm still young and have all my life to live, I have a future and I shouldn't let him stop me. My mother is actually separated from my father, they have been for a long time but she only found out a few months ago he is in a serious relationship with another woman. Even though they are separated it does hurt seeing my mother upset and broken by this. 

I really am close to my father but he didn't even tell me about his relationship which has been going on for a long time. Seriously the two men I have trusted and respected most in my life have both left me and turned out to be right idiots. 

As my mother said we can't control other people's actions, only our own. And I can pick up and push myself to have a better future even without my stbxh. Just need more of a confidence boost then I will be there 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> Thanks so much WWB, I think I need to get out all my old rock songs so I can shout as loud as I like and get the anger all out!
> 
> I actually had a nice chat with my mother yesterday evening, just discussed things and how I was feeling. Gosh mothers are so good and always make everything seem so much better! She just reminded me of little things I had forgotten about, she told me I'm still young and have all my life to live, I have a future and I shouldn't let him stop me. My mother is actually separated from my father, they have been for a long time but she only found out a few months ago he is in a serious relationship with another woman. Even though they are separated it does hurt seeing my mother upset and broken by this.
> 
> ...


Rock music is great for that! 

Mothers are incredibly helpful sometimes, my own is a bit of a fruit cake but every now and then she comes out with a pearl of wisdom. You're still young, you do have your whole life to go still. It can be difficult to find the determination and ambition to make something of yourself, but once you find it and you realise that you only have one life, you won't lose that determination.

Sorry to hear about your father's behaviour, but as you said, you can't control the actions of others.

Regarding a confidence boost, do you work out? Do you have a hobby? Do you take time to praise yourself for the things you are good at? I found all these things insanely helpful, especially the working out.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I've been making a playlist with all the good motivational songs which keeps me going. Just singing out loud and getting it all out really helps! 

I have been going to dance classes but I tbh I have missed a few recently so I need to get back into it. Exercise and dancing deffo makes me feel so much better. I lost so much weight after my stbxh ended things. I was around 8 stone but lost quite a few pounds and was nearly 7 stone. Everyone could see how much weight I had lost and it was unhealthy. But I have been better and got to a healthier weight. 

I'm going to keep going with exercise but I think I need to find a hobby or something to focus on other than work. It's weird because when I was with him I focused all my time and energy on our relationship and didn't really bother to do much for myself, I was so dependent on him. I guess I'm finding it overwhelming in a way but at the same time it's slightly exciting just being able to focus on myself and what I want. 

I am trying to keep positive and not let things that are happening with my family affect me too much, it is difficult but I will just keep posting and updating here on TAM to let you all know how I get on. At the moment I think I'm doing ok, trying to get past these set backs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What do you sing?


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## Heartbroken84 (Feb 2, 2014)

Music helps me too - tend to find that a lot is love related though so not always a good thing when I'm already emotional lol!!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I have made a mixed play list with lots of songs, my favourite ones to sing out loud to have to be:


P!nk - So What - YouTube


The *****cat Dolls - Hush Hush; Hush Hush - YouTube


Bon Jovi - It's My Life - YouTube

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) - YouTube


Katy Perry - Part Of Me (Lyric Video) - YouTube

I try to avoid all the lovey dovey songs as it totally doesn't help or make me feel better. So definitely sticking to all the f*** you songs, seriously singing out loud makes it so much better. 

Sometimes listening to the love songs makes me just cry and get it all out which can be good in a way but at the moment I need all the motivation I can get so sticking to more upbeat songs.

Also went to the gym yesterday which was really good, felt so good about myself afterwards!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Just wanted to add that I was talking to a friend at work about my whole situation and what happened between me and my stbxh and she said something that really got me thinking. I told her that at the end of April it will be one year since my stbxh ended our marriage. But really the last time I saw him and spoke to him was the end of November. 

She told me that because of what happened, the way he came back into my life and started seeing me and making promises, that really it won't be a year in April since he ended things. I guess she's right, i know officially it will be a year in April since I left and went to live with my mother but I got my heart broken all over again when he built up hope and then ended it at the end if November. I've been pressuring myself so much recently but I think it's ok to slow down a bit, I mean it's only nearly been three months since I last saw and spoke to him, I can't believe the way it ended. He just got on the bus and left me standing and watching him leave.

Just got me thinking of how it all turned out to be, I guess you never know what will happen next year or even next week. 
I am not going to go back because I want to move forward like I was doing before he crawled back. I saw that someone had written on TAM that the best way to be is to look after yourself and make your life great so one day he will realise what he lost. I am going to make sure he knows what a great person his lost from his life. I am going to make sure I do so well that he will run off crying haha!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

The gym really does make you feel amazing, I love it.



Juicy said:


> I saw that someone had written on TAM that the best way to be is to look after yourself and make your life great so one day he will realise what he lost. I am going to make sure he knows what a great person his lost from his life. I am going to make sure I do so well that he will run off crying haha!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whilst this is true, your motives suggest that you are still focused on him, you need to disregard him and do it for yourself for it to be genuine. Make your life amazing for you, not to show him what he's lost.

I'm sure he will realise that eventually, but I'd put money on the fact that it'll only happen when you forget about him, focus on yourself, and have moved on .

In short, do it for you, not for "revenge".


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you WWB, you know what you said has really sunk in. I never noticed it until now, you're right as when I read back what I've written it does really sound like I am doing certain things to prove a point.

I got thinking about it and realised that it doesn't matter, not only will he not know what I'm up to (because he blocked me on facebook and whatsapp) but I don't really care anymore if he does or doesn't.

I shouldn't need to live my life trying to prove that he has lost. I want to do it for me, so I am happy. I'm going to remember this and not think about him as I should focus on myself. 

He chose not to be a part of my life so there's no need to think about him when making decisions for myself. I don't want to be the girl who is trying so hard to get back at her stbxh. I could do so many things to mess things up for him, sometimes I think I should but then there's no point. I believe in karma so I will let God and karma deal with him. 

I do want to let go I really do, I think I am getting better and I have come a long way. I feel more positive and I don't feel as sad as much. I am still taking it easy and pushing myself to do things for me. Thanks again WWB, posting on TAM always makes me feel better!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Fiona Apple writes good f u songs.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks LongWalk I will deffo check out her songs, really am into all the f you songs right now. 

I'm going to especially need it tomorrow because the 03rd March would have been so years that me and my stbxh would have been together. We started officially dating on the 03rd March 2008 and so it would have been six years. We lasted five years so not bad, married for one and a half years from that. It funny how life doesn't always go the way you planned. But it's just another day, gotta keep reminding myself that there is no reason to think that it's anything different. I'm not going to let myself acknowledge him anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Then on March 3rd you should do something that is SO ANTI him, that is SO PRO YOU that it becomes a day that represents dumping his memory the way he dumped you.


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Then on March 3rd you should do something that is SO ANTI him, that is SO PRO YOU that it becomes a day that represents dumping his memory the way he dumped you.


This.

For example, my STBXW hated me going out and having fun with my mates, especially if alcohol was involved.

So, this year for what would have been my first wedding anniversary, I've organised a massive night out clubbing with about 30 friends hehe .


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

Juicy said:


> I believe in karma so I will let God and karma deal with him.


See, I never believed in karma, but I must say, as my life has gotten better and better over the last 6 months, STBXW's seems to have gotten proportionately worse. At least, up until a few months ago. I don't know how it is now because I stopped caring .


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Fiona is scary

She explains, very funny


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Happy Emancipation Day Juicy!!!!!

Don't wait until the evening to begin celebrating. This is your day. This is the only Monday, March 3rd, 2014 you will ever get.

I'm doing paperwork today. Filing. Cleaning up years of accumulated junk. Surely you can do better than that! I set a low bar for you and you are welcome. :sly:

Dawn of a New Day - Mandala Band

Come walk with me one last time 
Through ages past of man's golden greatness 
Now all remains is decay 
Crumbling ruin, heartache and pain 
We stayed far too long in this place 
Where no one can be free from grief and sadness 

What will be is now clear to me 
There's never need for sorrow 
And tears lost in anguish 
The scars of the past will surely heal 
For destiny calls us across new horizons 

We'll cast our hopes over the sea 
In search of a world of richness so beautiful 
So beautiful, so beautiful

Let the waters of life wash all the pain and hardship behind us 
we'll set sail for the sun 
with every new day the darkness will fade 
freedom awaits with the dawn 
For tomorrow will find us on our way 
On our way...


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Well I totally got through March 03rd, it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Thank so much everyone, and Clipclop I took your advice and made it a day that was pro me. Even though I was at work I was so busy and didn't have a chance to think about him. I was wearing a necklace to work that day that I realised my stbxh had bought me it wasn't anything special he just had paid for it. So I threw it straight in the bin didn't even bother to think twice about it (was a pretty necklace but no point as it was just linked to him). 

I have been a bit busy this week but this weekend I am going to make sure I go out and have fun and just enjoy myself. I think I have got so much better, before I used to care so much what stbxh was up to but every day I care less, our time together is more of a distant memory now. Just leaving him to karma, tbh it's something I've always believed in so I will just let it be. But it's true what you said WWB, I've noticed that I've stopped caring about what he is up to. It's not a competition anymore of who is doing better, I'm just thinking about me and what I really want. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Clipclop I love your post with the 'Dawn of a new day' it's so uplifting! And thanks LongWalk for the songs I've never listened to her songs before but they are deffo suiting the mood I am in a the moment!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Glad to hear you are getting more upbeat!

I'm not into any mystical stuff but I think people who do good things generally draw good people to them. The opposite is true as well. 

Karma is just a good way to describe the effect of having one of those people, good or bad, impact your life.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hey everyone just wanted to ask your opinion on this situation;

So my stbxh has blocked me on Facebook, so did his complete **** bag of a brother and his sister un-friended me so I blocked her myself. The thing is I still have his older brother and wife as my friends on Facebook. Tbh they were the ones I liked the most and his older brother actually did try talking to my stbxh after he ended things telling him to sort out the marriage and not just walk away. (Stbxh too gutless to listen!) 

Anyway his older brother and wife were expecting a baby and she just updated that she's given birth to a baby boy. Now I don't know if I should comment on her status or just simply like her status. We weren't super close but I did like them and they are the only ones who haven't blocked me. I'm not sure what their reasons are maybe they haven't noticed I'm still their friend on Facebook or they just want to see what I'm up to. 

I have been considering removing them from my friends not because I don't like them but because it is painful to read all the comments and it reminds me I am no longer part of the family. 

What do you all think? Any suggestions much appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You can remain friends. The pain is going to pass. Remember Juicy that you are an attractive, dare one say hot, single woman. Stay active. Keep working out. Listen to music. As for karma, you won't even know when he struggles with an enlarged prostate or Alzheimer's. He will be a ver infrequent memory just a few years from now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hey everyone, Ben a while since I posted tbh I have been in my own works these past weeks. 

I had a moment of weakness the other night...I was so upset about family issues that have been going on recently and had tried talking to my mother and father but I was left feeling even more frustrated and sad as it just seemed like one big game between them, it's more of a question of who's the winner and who's the loser. So I did something so stupid, I thought of my stbxh and how he was always there for me when I was going through family issues and problems. 

So I called him, this was at 12am so I didn't expect him to still be awake and pick up. When he picked up I was in shock, he said hello, but I couldn't answer I just went silent, like completely silent, so he said hello again, then I still couldn't answer. He hung up after that. It was so hard hearing his voice and just being a complete idiot not saying anything. He didn't know it was me as I changed the settings on my phone to hide the number. Tbh maybe he guessed it was me but he can never be 100% sure. 

But I felt so stupid afterwards, I mean what was he going to do anyway? How the hell was he going to help the situation? 

The next thing I did was log into Facebook using my sisters account as my stbxh has blocked me, I was searching and then I saw it...a new photo of him and the ow posing nicely for the camera. At first I didn't know whether to cry or be angry but surprisingly I didn't really feel anything. All I thought was...that's it...that's the last nail in the coffin. So I logged off straight away and deleted all our Facebook messages I had still kept. It felt good, and I think I needed to see that photo just to spur me on, and to show me that there's no going back, that I need to move forward. 

I've not really been myself lately and just don't want to lose it when I've got so far.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

We are supposed to refrain from looking into their social media accounts but in your case I think it was ok. It encouraged reality to strike. He's with someone else. He isn't wiling to work on the marriage. He's obviously moving on and now you can, too. Considering it a blessing you didn't talk with him over the phone. It would have just pumped his ego up and set you back ten steps in your healing.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Time to move on young lady. Enough time wasted, enough time grieved....now it's time to live....
Good luck to you x


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you so much for your replies. For a few weeks now I've been thinking about my stbxh on and off. But I think it's a good thing to be hit with a photo of him and his gf even though it hurts me so much. I am definitely going to keep moving forward and not let myself fall back. I've achieved so much and I know he's not worth my time anymore. I guess I won't just forget him overnight but I will try my best to carry on and get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

It does take time, for sure.

Invest in your life. Time filled with good things will edge him out. 

And LOL! So he has a new photo with OW? He probably never even told her he was trying to get the nerve to gnaw his arm off and move to nowhere rather than stay with her. She thinks they are happy, perhaps. But you know the truth about your X and his level of commitment.

You will run into a REAL MAN and laugh that you ever could love a coward. I'm hoping he was good in bed so you can blame it on that. <G>


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How's it going???


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone it's been a while since I've updated, thanks Clipclop2 for posting 

Things have been much better since I posted on TAM, I think I'm now in a place where I have fully accepted the marriage is over and has been for a long time. I'm over my stbxh now and if and when I find myself thinking of him I don't feel desperately sad like I used to, I just kinda think remember good times maybe even smile but then I sometimes I just have no feelings at all and don't even care about what he's up to anymore.

It is one year today since my stbxh ended our marriage and it's crazy how the time has flown by! I can't believe it's been a year! But the good thing I now can see how far I have come since my first post on TAM. I was so sad and desperate to have my stbxh just come back to me. When I read those posts I just know how scared I was to be alone and not have my stbxh with me. 

I do feel more confident and positive, I've even been out on a few dates with guys which has been fun  I think that I've been able to enjoy myself more and think about me because I snapped out of the whole waiting for my stbxh to come back to me. So since I snapped out of it I feel so much better. 

Things at home haven't been too helpful though, my mother is going through problems and it has really been affecting me and getting me down 

I hope everyone is doing well!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Forgot to add... I was going through a few of my things back in February and I came across my wedding ring. Tbh it's not my real wedding ring as I actually lost it a year before me and my stbxh broke up (maybe it was a sign!). So I bought a replacement ring and had just left it in my drawer after my stbxh had broken up with me. 

I thought about keeping it because it doesn't look like a normal ring, like you wouldn't automatically think it was a wedding ring. It is white gold with black diamonds which I loved. I wore it to work one day, and it wasn't on my wedding finger but my friend noticed and asked if it was my wedding ring.

After work I realised it was so silly wearing it as all it did was remind me of him. So when I was driving home listening to the radio I was thinking about it. I saw a sign post pointing towards the area where my stbxh lives and I just thought screw this, rolled down the car window and launched the wedding ring onto the road. 

I don't think I could have done anything better with it, it's now on the motorway in the dirt where it belongs 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Just wanted to post on TAM...having one of those **** days where you start to think about everything including your ex and past relationship. I know I've done so well since he ended things last year and I've come a long way. I don't miss him but I think I miss the things we used to do, maybe it just feels a bit empty without him.

I think it just gets to me when I am feeling down or haven't got much planned. I guess the key is to keep busy? Any suggestions would be appreciated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Hi Juicy,

Glad you checked in... 

Do you know what a vision board is? Basically, you can use anything (a bulletin board, a piece of poster board, a door, a wall!) and you just start creating your "vision"... anything that makes you happy, your hopes, dreams, places you want to travel, vision for your future. You can also create them online with Pinterest or a similar site. The whole idea is to envision your life and what you want it to be 

It might help you take your mind off things when those negative thoughts come creeping in... just a thought.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm not here much these days but I think about you.

It is time for you to let another guy into your life. 

I can't say I will be here for this dialog so answer this question for yourself....


Who are you ?

What are your interests?

What do you like to do?

The person you will find to augment your life will also have interests and will teach you things as you will teach him.

My youngest bought me candy for mums day and I rarely eat candy but I'm on a bender right now. Your job is to avenge this by doing something sensible.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you like swimming?

Crossfit?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate it!

Happy as a clam - A vision board sounds good! I used to pin stuff up on my board in my university room, it was something different and just made a difference to my room. All my friends loved it. I think I didn't bother with getting a new one after my stbxh ended things. But you've really made me look forward to getting a pin board to put in my room. I love being creative and things to do with art so it will be something fun for me to do!

Clipclop2 - Thank you so much for always checking in on my thread. Tbh I've been dating guys and it's all just a bit of fun really, I don't feel like I want something serious just yet. I was with my stbxh for five years and when we started our relationship I was 16 and he was 18, so he's the only guy I had ever really been with. 

It has been fun meeting other guys, but I do worry about the future and who I will end up with...I guess most people do! The good thing is I don't feel sad about my stbxh anymore, I think since January I snapped out of it and I have realised how bull**** his promises were. I don't miss him, maybe just what we used to do. The funny thing is I only feel like that if I have nothing planned so I guess I just need to keep busy and plan fun things more often.

Longwalk - I do like swimming, haven't been in a long time. I do dance fitness classes which has been good, and I'm looking to join the gym, would like to lose a few pounds (I'm pretty obsessed with my weight even though I'm a healthy weight.) I might start giving myself more time to do art, I used to love drawing, painting etc.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It will take time to get over an LTR that started in your teens and turned into marriage. I suggest that you don't try and rewrite history. Whatever was good you can treasure.

Think of your ex as a wonderful meal that was never finished. He ended up as forgotten leftovers in the fridge that had to be chucked.

You will meet someone new.

re: weight
Being slightly overweight is no big deal. Being fit and healthy is more important.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Argh. Lost my response...

I'm very glad you are getting out there.

Here is a thought though. Consider facing your concerns head on regarding WHO so you can also allow yourself to enjoy the calm and peace of not having plans.

Get to know your self.

I'm not beautiful or perfect or... OK, i'm perfect but most people can't aspire to that so.,,,


Just kidding,... Sort of....

The only time most people have to get to know themselves they spend trying to avoid themselves. That's exactly what happened to you and me and most people who stayed in relationships where we did not belong.

Get to know you.... Alone.

Trust yourself.

Hell. I have never met you but I have a really good feeling about you.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Hey juicy, how be things?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hey Clipclop2, thanks so much for your post again! I have been meaning to reply but have been so busy with work and family things. 

Things have been ok thanks, work has been keeping me busy which is a good thing. I had a busy weekend but it's been good. On Friday I went on a night out with work friends, it was crazy but we had fun.

I really agree with what you said, I think I need to be more confident about myself and just keep focusing on myself. My friend told me that it's not a bad thing to love and look after yourself. So I'm focusing more on what I want and continuing to keep moving forward. 

And thank you LongWalk, I agree with you. I think because we started our relationship in our teens it's been harder to let go. We grew up together and went through so much together, it was a very intense relationship right from the start. Maybe in the end we just grew apart. 

But now I don't feel very sad if I think about him. I look back on the good memories but like you said I see it as a chapter in my life that is over. 

I think I'm slowly getting there and have been trying to keep track on things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You can't take care of anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. Investing in yourself pays big dividends.


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Just wanted to give everyone an update and tbh vent a little!

I feel like even though I've been doing well it's like I've gone back a few step. I think it's maybe because of other personal issues that are going on in my life which are getting to me so it's definitely not helping me to keep positive.

I've been seeing a counsellor because I feel it really helps to talk about the whole situation. She told me that I couldn't expect people to love me if I didn't love myself and it's so true. I've been so worried about what people think about me and I've been so desperate to show people that I'm doing so much better without my stbxh. It just all got to me recently.

I've been putting myself out there, meeting guys and going out with friends etc because I really don't want to go back to how I was at the beginning. It's kind if like I've had a relapse on my road to recovery (not meaning to be insensitive!) but I'm determined nit to let it stop me.

I'm going to focus on myself and build up my confidence again before getting into any serious relationships. I don't see any point of trying to find the one if I haven't completely found myself yet. I'm not going to ignore the male attention, a little flirt and dates do help with an ego boost but I do need to build my confidence from within myself.

Thanks for reading everyone it might not make total sense but it really helped me just posting on here.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does make sense.

ClipClop got banned


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm back. 

Lesson: Do not put yourself in someone else's head and post as though you were them.

What is worse is that it turns out the person is being cheated on like I suggested many times. 

Anyway...

Loving yourself is a weird thing. Is it love or respect? I think the latter. Realistic assessments allow us to make mistakes and forgive them. We can be honest with people that way because we aren't covering up. We can see our good points and share them because it isn't arrogance. We can be amused at our folly yet impressed when we pull one out of the clutches.

All things make good stories when we are honest.

The worst part of all of this is that just when you are on the brink of finding yourself someone will come along and rush you into a relationship. 

It is crazy. So try to resist!!!!


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks for your replies and Clipclop2 sooo happy you're back!

I'm just going through a low point atm, I'm really being hard on myself and worried about things. I think I've just got to the point where I'm sick of waiting for people (especially guys) to call or reply to my messages. And it's almost as if I'm sick of myself, it sounds stupid but I was so wrapped up in my life with my stbxh that I never really was ever alone and now it's so different.

My counsellor told me that it's a positive thing for me, being without my stbxh means I am living for just me, doing what I want and looking after myself. It's a chance for me to stand on my own two feet and I can become the person I want to be. When I was with my ex I never had a chance to find myself and just be me. 

And as much as I agree with all of that and feel excited about starting fresh, lately I feel so down. My confidence is just complete **** right now.

It didn't matter to me hooking up with one guy, then hooking up casually with another for a few weeks. It was refreshing in a way, all I had ever known was my ex and so it was fun going with new guys. What got to me was when I hooked up with a guy from work I really liked, and it was just sex. He didn't bother texting me after apart from the first day but then nothing. That just made me so angry with myself. It basically the feeling of being rejected again. I haven't let it stop me and went out in a date with another guy. Ended up walking back to the station the morning after (I'm so classy these days!)

I know I'm beating myself up over my actions and I shouldn't because I haven't done anything wrong. My friend told me to just embrace it and at the time it was right so there's no need to over think it. I don't regret anything so I just need to stop feeling bad afterwards. I need to love myself again, and build my confidence from within rather than looking for it from other people. 

Tbh like WWB said to me, I think I'm worried what people will think of me and I'm judging myself. I'm my worst critic right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Look at where you are in your cycle and consider whether you really feel like this or if your chemistry does.

Probably hooking up isn't a good thing for you. It isn't for most women really. The only way out can work is if you really don't care - if you are just after a guy's body.

Stay true to yourself number one.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You needed sex but wanted at least respect and kindness. Never mind the rejections. You are attractive. Your self esteem will rise. Use your environment to judge men. Get to know men in a context before sleeping with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Sorry for not posting a reply sooner, I really have been meaning to but things have been difficult both personally and my family situation hasn't been helping. 

Thank you Clipclop and LongWalk for your advice, it has been so helpful. I've been better I would say, taking things slowly and haven't been rushing into any random hookups. I've been out spot with people from work which has been good but I find it so awkward when the guy from work I hooked up with is around. I'm just being civil and not making a big deal out of it all though as I think that's the best way to go. 

I went for drinks with my friend who's dating my stbxh's best friend and it was really good but then she started to talk about my stbxh and said to me "I don't know what M is up to so can't tell you about him". So I just said to her that even if she did I wouldn't have asked anyway as I'm past the point of caring. I think she kinda got it but I don't think she is totally convinced. It annoys me because yes I sometimes think about him (so much less than before) but I don't want him back, that thought doesn't cross my mind anymore. If I do think if him it's because something has reminded me of our relationship and all I think is he screwed up all the good memories and acted like a selfish d*** head and I'm better off without him. 

Maybe I should just say to her straight that I don't want to know or hear anything about him? It makes it harder when we live in the same area, I've really been considering moving away from home to start fresh, and have a different experience. 

Other than that things are going ok, I'm just dealing with each day as it comes and I can be very emotional some days but I'm not the type of person to give up. Thank you again for all your advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

maybe a change of scenery is what you should do.

when you say move away from home does this mean you have lived in this area all of your life? I haven't had that experience. I've often wondered what it would be like to move back home. having family around would be nice but at the same time I know that my life benefited from my willingness to to move and experience new people and places. 

have you looked at job opportunities in other regions? or shoot even just new job opportunity. If you want something to take your mind off of your real life anew job certainly do that. I started a new position recently and I can hardly remember what it was like before. but I guess it depends on the kind of work you do and the way you attack works. I do it's a little too seriously. 

but anyway dot dot dot 

how's the guy you hooked up with behaving for you? If he's being cool about it then you're dealing with it pro priate Lee. I think the speech to text lost its mind. 

I think you could be right about just being straight up with your friend. You can tell her sometimes she still struggle being irritated at the way he's screwed up your lives but that you have decided that he is not someone you and he's not the type of man who is worthy of your attention. and not wanting to hear about him doesn't mean that it hurts too much. It just means that it keeps you in a place fat you no longer wish to be. what he is doing is his problem good or bad. you looking forward to going out and meeting people and He is none of your concern. 

and shoot you know its not wrong to tell her it's something that does bother you is the fact that his behavior has affected your relationship with her. 8 barriers has gone up between you and an awkwardness is entered the relationship that didn't exist before. that said part of the problem might be that he is still a part of her life so she doesn't know whether she can share part of her life that include him with you. So if you look at it from her perspective having some understanding that she might want to share things with you that involves him and being willing to listen to those things might reduce the awkwardness on her side.

I guess the deal is that if she just wants to gossip to you about him that that's probably not a good idea but if he came over and they had dinner and do you have something funny happened that she should still share those kinds of stories. 

that is if if you can handle it. And if you can't then tell her that it will just take some time before you can normalize those kinds of relations. 
Sigh

what do you want to be when you grow up?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Thank you Clipclop and Longwalk for your posts, sorry it has taken me a while to post back but I really do appreciate it!

Just wanted to give you an update...I've got a lot of free time at the moment I work in a school and it's the school summer holidays so been trying to keep busy. Have to admit it worries me having so much free time and no work to keep me focused. I'll be starting teacher training in September so really looking forward to that, but in the meantime I do get worried I'm going to have too much time to think about things.

Also, been debating whether to file for divorce now or wait until May. The reason for waiting until May is that I can rely on the two years separation ground for divorce and by doing that I don't have to place the blame on stbxh. But then a part of me thinks why should I have to wait and make it easy for him? surely he deserves the blame to be put on him? I just want to have a straight forward divorce, and it would be great if he paid as he's earning waaay more than me.

My friend hasn't metioned my stbxh recently which is a relief, I'm happy to say that I'm really past the point of caring about what his life is like now. I really didn't think I would have been able to say that this time last year, crazy how time changes things!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do what is best for you financially and emotionally.

Personally I think getting it over sooner is better. It will allow you to plan a future. And daring whole you are still make is never good. Dating partners are always insecure and you always know you are still married. It just feels wrong.


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

Juicy said:


> Sorry for not posting a reply sooner, I really have been meaning to but things have been difficult both personally and my family situation hasn't been helping.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Putting blame on him? Don't give it much thought. You don't have spew vitriol in the filing, just be factual.


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Juicy, I just read through ALL of your posts. My H left 5 weeks ago after almost 4 yrs of marriage and 6 together saying in a text just this week that we don't mix well together anymore. We also have a child together. I felt like I connected so much with you at the beginning of your journey through the past year. 
I have been reading the posts and posted a of my own through TAM. Tbh it is so hard to believe that the person you thought was supposed to be there for you through better or worse can just give up and walk away. He texts to see his son, I have asked when he will file and he doesn't know. 
You have shown me that there can be light in this darkness.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Butterfly, have you identified the other woman? Did you start your own thread yet? I'm sorry your H has decided to run away from his responsibilities. Best thing you can do is figure out the facts and FILE FIRST. Send reality to him in the quickest and most shocking manner possible. He hasn't thought all of this through so if you take charge and deal with the hard core divorce issues of money and long term child support he might realize that he isn't escaping without paying dearly. Wake him up and do not wait for him to file!!!!!


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

Clip- I have a couple threads I started when my H left. He was very open and blunt when he left and I am sure he would have said something about an OW not saying that he doesn't have any now. I am trying to make myself strong enough to get through this. We had a blended family of 2+2+1 and I miss my step kids like crazy, my kids miss them our son is so confused and angry (he is autistic and reacts bad to change). I mean I know that I should go file something or talk to someone but I don't have the financial resources or any family to help me. 
It seems all to surreal, I am still trying to get the words out of my head of our last conversation when I gave him my ring back. I knew that he was self medicating for awhile for his BP and it was escalating. He moved out and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks not even his son. I couldn't take it anymore and I went to his Mom's and he said that the marriage wasn't anything but a piece of paper. He was confusing his dates of when we got together when our son was conceived. I was just beside myself on how cold he was it was like I didn't know him. I gave him the ring and left I couldn't see wearing it anymore with those words ringing in my ears. We made a commitment to each other he even cried on our wedding day!
Sorry I just don't get it sometimes I really tried to make it work. But reading through others threads and talking to my therapist, I may never know. I have been hard at work on the 180's, working out and getting out w my kids.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm sorry you find yourself in this place. Can't you see the kids without him being in the picture?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi everyone,

Sorry haven't posted in a while, I have actually been off work (school summer holidays) so have been out and about. Had a lovely holiday in the sunshine with my sister, it was just what I needed, honestly could have stayed there forever! I've been trying to keep up with my friends more, going out and messaging them regularly which has been so refreshing.


Anyway things for me have been better, I'm so glad I can say this considering the past few months I have had so many ups and downs. 

I am trying to deal with family problems at the moment (nothing to do with stbxh) it just so happens my parents are going through divorce...I know it's ironic that my mother and me will both get divorced in the same year. It's not a total shock to me, my parents' marriage has been a struggle for the past 10 years. It didn't help having my father work abroad and rarely come home to visit, so my mother had to raise me and my sisters mainly on her own. 

I am trying to be very supportive but it's so difficult when you are going through something so similar yourself, it just makes you so emotional. The good thing is I don't sad about my stbxh anymore, I do feel hurt by what he has done and how he ended things but now I can positively say that I am no longer missing him or wanting him to come back. 

I remember the good memories but I accept that they are just memories and that my stbxh was a part of one chapter in my life. I would have never said that this time last year, so thank you everyone who has helped me come this far  honestly everyone who has posted has helped me move forward and made me feel so much better when I've felt rubbish. TAM has truly made a difference to this situation.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

wow that's a real bummer about your parents. I guess on the bright side is that your mom was on her own for most of the marriage anyway so this isn't that great of a change for her. And then maybe she'll meet some nice guy.

you sound so much better. I'm really proud of you. 

so school is starting again or did it already start today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So much turmoil.

Do you feel able to date again?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I forgot to add...

Butterfly - I'm so glad that my posts have helped you get through your difficult situation. Honestly, you sound like such a strong person going through a separation with children involved, it makes it even more emotionally draining. I have so much respect for you and I must sound like I'm complaining over nothing compared to your situation.

It hurts beyond words when your stbxh acts so cold and treats you as if you were nothing to him. I was so shocked by how he didn't show any emotion the day he told me to leave the house. I even begged him to stay with me (literally on my knees clinging onto his legs, never thought I would give up my dignity for a moment like that) when I think back to it all I feel a piece of my heart being torn out. 

Since that day (over a year ago now) I have come a long way. It has been crazy hard, I was in denial for the first 6 months, desperate to get him back and willing to forgive him for everything. But I looked after myself, I made sure I was going somewhere with my life. I made new friends, started a new job and did my best to not care about what he is doing or who he is with. Cutting off all ways on communication really helped. I know you have children involved so it's not that simple but remember to keep communication just as that, only about the children arrangements etc. 

I hope things are getting better for you, please keep us updated. (I will check your thread and post on there!)


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

Clipclop2 - Yeah it really sucks atm, I get what she's going through and in that way we can support each other. But I feel like we need support from other people too as we are both going through difficulties. 

I am feeling soooo much better than I did when I first posted on TAM, things were so different back then. I'm still not back to my full 100% self but I can say that I am getting very close to being there.

Longwalk - It is a difficult time and the situation at home doesn't help at all. I am getting support from elsewhere (still seeing a counsellor). With regards to the dating, I have been getting myself back out there and it's been fun. I was hooking up with guys after things didn't work out with my stbxh but recently I have been dating, going out for drinks, dinner etc and it's such a difference to just hooking up with guys.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

Juicy-Read through some of your story and I'm going through the same thing now. Separated about 3 months. It's been tough. I too have been in denial since he first left thinking he would change his mind or cool off. We hadn't even been married a yr yet. I felt humiliated. He told me we never should have got married, which really hurt. I think it would have been easier to just break up while dating. If only he had been more honest and told me how he was feeling. We're trying MC but he's not really interested in getting back together. I'm about to let go. Life is short, why waste it being unhappy right? Thanks for the inspiration. I can see things get better with time.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm glad you are dating properly. Much healthier than hooking up.

You have come a long way.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ClipClop and Juicy,

Maybe you can visit Moxy's thread and discuss this issue:

Hook ups maybe good but not if they hurt self esteem. It is a Catch 22 for women


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'll check it out. I think most of the time they are bad for women. Some of it is cultural but I don't necessarily disagree. Women who believe they should be able to have sex like men and not be judged for it fight an up hill battle. If they truly believe it that's great. I just don't think most do.

Past that sex is very personal. Duh, huh?! 

Sex and love are closely tied.


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