# Attraction



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What we REALLY find attractive

Did a tremendous amount of reading, and learning, post-divorce.

I find the art, science, and at times sheer magic of attraction absolutely fascinating.

Had a great discussion about it on a date last night. Very smart, introspective lady ... oddly enough, remains to be seen if we are attracted to one another 

Not everyone that we are attracted to is 'good' for us, or any real benchmark for conducting a healthy relationship for that matter. 

However, it is truly something when you feel those knots in your stomach, get hot all over, or stumble over your words, by simply being in the presence of someone that does it for you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Deejo said:


> However, it is truly something when you feel those knots in your stomach, get hot all over, or stumble over your words, by simply being in the presence of someone that does it for you.


:iagree: Those butterflies in your stomach are a great feeling, aren't they? Did you feel those on your date at all, or too soon to tell?


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Great post! That experience is like an alternate reality where even the most normal things in your daily life have some magic in them. That energy is felt by people you come in contact with as well. It's a "good to be alive" feeling. Best of luck!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nope. No butterflies.

I have come to accept that attraction is also something that can be built, rather than requiring that immediacy of 'love at first sight'.

I tend to become MORE attracted over time, rather than starting with high attraction and having the passage of time and familiarity whittling it down.

Was a nice first date, nice enough that we agreed on a second to determine where the attraction thing may be going.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, I'd be interested to know how that all works, in nothing but an explanation for my interview thingie. I didn't get hot all over or fumbling or anything like that, I just said, gee, I kind of wish that was a date. Next thing I know we're on a date and I am making all the little moves to encourage him along...cozying up, touching him when talking to make a point...honestly I had no idea I had these skills, I don't think I've every employed them before. It was like being a tadpole and realizing that at some point, I could hop, and was very good at it. WTF? And my work skills seem to have improved as well. He must just bring it all out in me (well, the work skills have something to do with my mentor who introduced us, my mentor being this guy's bona fide business partner...)


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Ahh, I would like to feel those butterflies again. Been a long time.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... there you were ... making the moves ... and voila! You got the guy.

You're like a female pickup-artist.

I didn't make any moves on our date, other than being my charming, engaging self.

She was guarded. She has 'rules' about dating too. Can't fault her for that. 
I look forward to seeing her again, because something tells me that there is a very sensitive, expressive, and loving person under the detached exterior I met last night.

I was looking for the signals, and they were quite mixed. So it's also possible I'm being considered for 'friend zone' ... which I ain't interested in.

We shall see.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, I'd be interested to know how that all works, in nothing but an explanation for my interview thingie. I didn't get hot all over or fumbling or anything like that, I just said, gee, I kind of wish that was a date. Next thing I know we're on a date and I am making all the little moves to encourage him along...cozying up, touching him when talking to make a point...honestly I had no idea I had these skills, I don't think I've every employed them before. It was like being a tadpole and realizing that at some point, I could hop, and was very good at it. WTF? And my work skills seem to have improved as well. He must just bring it all out in me (well, the work skills have something to do with my mentor who introduced us, my mentor being this guy's bona fide business partner...)


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

My attraction radar can be very odd at times. I have read, and stated numerous times on these boards that attraction isn't really a choice ... particularly when it's someone that out of the blue takes your breath away.

That would be nice ... but it isn't a requirement. 

There is without question, a very specific kind of woman to whom I am drawn like a moth to a flame. 

I'm not interested in the Angelina Jolie's or Eva Longoria's or Kim Kardashian's.

My celebrity ideal is Anna Torv. Crazy attracted to that woman.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Deejo said:


> So ... there you were ... making the moves ... and voila! You got the guy.
> 
> You're like a female pickup-artist.
> 
> ...


Well, that was on the real date, the dinner date that happened a few weeks later (given his travel and Thanksgiving in between.) 

I did nothing on the first meeting except to try not to be hired. So basically I dressed as I pleased and would for work if I were hired, and told him all about my somewhat rogue lifestyle, thinking that I did not want to be involved with working for some stuffy suit on some boring programming thing where I would be worked to death and no amount of compensation really covering the (imagined) hit to my lifestyle. As I told the guy who introduced us (his business partner who is now my appointed academic and work mentor) in terms of the hiring process I probably left skidmarks on the sidewalks of (city name) where I did my best not to be budged by the 'suit', but in the end I had to submit as the more I tried to be unqualified, the more qualified I became. So finally I was convinced that if all my weird lifestyle and work habits were acceptable (and even, he said appreciated) I had better think about signing on the dotted line if offered work. It's still kind of boring work, however, I'm latched into it so it's not really all that boring, have some ideas, and will probably re-visit a client I used to have, with a solution from new business team. 

During the subsequent dinner date, I have no clue what came over me. The last two times we've got together for dinner and social time he's busted the first moves, but then there's turn-taking. I'll only see him in the workplace and I have a very very good poker face and in any case there is way more than enough work to keep my brain engaged in - work! Trust me, there will be no time for shenanigans, what's good for the business is good for my eventual bottom line - profitability pays the hired staff and I want to make sure I get the rate agreed upon, and in a timely manner as well. 


I still don't understand how I got the moves I used at dinner the first "real" date. I'm 100% certain I've never used them before, I'm 48, and I know for sure. I would remember. If I were on a boat, I would have been the guy waving all the semaphore flags, one after another, the signalling was that overt (but subtly overt, in context.) Like, I remarked on the bench seat, and that we could get in and hang out instead of going for a walk.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Deejo said:


> What we REALLY find attractive
> 
> 
> *Not everyone that we are attracted to is 'good' for us, or any real benchmark for conducting a healthy relationship for that matter. *


:iagree:
Ah ha!
I had to learn this the HARD way.
The first woman I had ever had that " fatal attraction " to was one I met at a beach party.
Funny thing is, my wife [ before we were married ] was also at that party and was trying hard to get my attention.
However my attention was focused on this other 
" femme fatale."
We got together started dating and having mind blowing sex.
However she _still_ cheated on me.

Thank goodness my wife was still there.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Never been any rhyme or reason - I'm either attracted to you or I'm not

Attraction tends not to 'build' for me

The only two long term relationships I've ever been in I was physically attracted straight away. Unfortunately both turned out to have personalities that were massive turn offs after a while

That's something I might want to think about working on 

But I am a physical being, I can't help it. You could be the sweetest, funniest guy in the world but if I don't fancy you it ain't happening. That's not to say I only go for 'good looking' types - I generally don't. It's more a twinkle in the eye that gets me


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Growing up, in the times that I visited my mother, I never attributed my step-father to have a lot of wisdom. In fact, some of the things he was known for were downright comical. But he did notice and comment on how I seemed to judge who to date based at least partly on what others thought. If someone was considered to be the most attractive, that's who I asked out. He told me that emotional growth in a man brings with it a very unique perception of beauty in others. He was right. There are features that I cannot even hardly describe that I find instantly attractive. Oddly enough, I've realized that some of these traits that I tend to distinguish remind me of people who went out of their way to be kind to me in the years when I was sperated from most of my family in childhood, traits that I equate with compassion or happiness.


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## stritle (Oct 4, 2010)

i wish i was the type to have attraction build with time; instead it starts out high and just deteriorates if no effort is made to maintain it.
once it's gone, it apparently stays that way regardless of efforts made.
what i seem to find attractive changes constantly and is aligned to issues within my marriage.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him. They don’t know the unspoken signals and messages women send to him when they are attracted to him. Other women do though! I heard a woman who is attracted to a man sends up to five non verbal courtship messages and if he hasn’t cottoned on by then she gives up.

Way too many men focus on the women they’re attracted to and upping their “verbally spoken game” to get a date etc. with them. While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.

These men are far better served by learning about and reading body language. Most especially courtship body language, courtship without a word being spoken. Just like any other animal in the animal kingdom.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

stritle said:


> i wish i was the type to have attraction build with time; instead it starts out high and just deteriorates if no effort is made to maintain it.
> once it's gone, it apparently stays that way regardless of efforts made.
> what i seem to find attractive changes constantly and is aligned to issues within my marriage.


I too, fine that attraction changes over time.
I' not just talking about with my wife , but women in general.
What I used to be attracted too when I was in my 20 no longer attract me.
I think the author of the article made reference to that.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I too, fine that attraction changes over time.
> I' not just talking about with my wife , but women in general.
> *What I used to be attracted too when I was in my 20 no longer attract me.*
> I think the author of the article made reference to that.


:scratchhead:

Funny, I got that too, it seems I'm moving away from being attracted to the younger ladies, to the more mature ladies around my age.



> My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him.


:scratchhead:

For me it's always been just a case of gut feeling and I always end up right most of the time with everyone else also noticing it. It doesn't bother me though, I just play dumb until it gets out of hand or my wife swoops on them



> While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.


Or maybe they just play dumb!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> My thoughts are that many men think about what’s attractive to him in the women he sees. Such that they don’t even see it when a woman is attracted to him. They don’t know the unspoken signals and messages women send to him when they are attracted to him. Other women do though! I heard a woman who is attracted to a man sends up to five non verbal courtship messages and if he hasn’t cottoned on by then she gives up.
> 
> Way too many men focus on the women they’re attracted to and upping their “verbally spoken game” to get a date etc. with them. While at the same time they’re seemingly blind to those women who are actually attracted to him.
> 
> These men are far better served by learning about and reading body language. Most especially courtship body language, courtship without a word being spoken. Just like any other animal in the animal kingdom.


And us men would like the ability to be able to read those signals better. Problem is, the fear that if we think something is a signal and we turn out to be wrong.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> :scratchhead:
> 
> Funny, I got that too, it seems I'm moving away from being attracted to the younger ladies, to the more mature ladies around my age.
> 
> ...


As of now, still attracted to the women in their early to mid 20's mostly.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I have felt that attraction that just guts your stomach and sinks your heart maybe 5 or 6 times in this lifetime. Male and female. I married one of them.

But I find that to be from reincarnation and knowing the souls in another lifetime. Soul mates, if you will. It's a wonderful feeling and it hasn't happened to me in a while, until recently. It is always fun to dig around in those emotions and figure out why you're so attracted to someone you don't even know, and yet you feel like you've known them forever.  Good shet.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Nope. No butterflies.
> 
> *I have come to accept that attraction is also something that can be built*, rather than requiring that immediacy of 'love at first sight'.


 Deejo... just saying... this is how I felt about my husband... I almost feel stupid saying I didn't have this when we met.. when so many go on about this in their early Love Stories, like this turbulent upsurge of Butterflies overtook them throwing their stomachs in knots....... it was more of a "building", a warm fuzzy thing, security /comfort...the emotional attachment grew as our friendship flourished...for me. 

Now on his end...well .. the whole "love at 1st site thing" was going on. 

I'm just not a proponent that one has to have these....He was good looking "enough" ...He was my Body type....so he was Do-able, ya know.... but it was what followed up for us...as time revealed the whole package of who he was..and how we "fit" together.

When my daughter starts to feel all that -I'll be sure to clue her in, this is not the end all or any future prediction of lasting love. The Butterflies come & they go.









I did have some butterflies around one guy that was....well.... drop dead gorgeous.... who was calling me back then.... but I still stayed with my bf/now husband... I knew he was the better choice - for what I was ultimately looking for.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> And us men would like the ability to be able to read those signals better. Problem is, the fear that if we think something is a signal and we turn out to be wrong.


Learn from the experts at http://www.peaseinternational.com/store/.

There is of course every chance of misunderstanding body language messages, just like there is with spoken messages. All you need is a strategy to determine if your interpretation is correct or not, it’s nothing to be fearful about.



Strange beings women, a lot of them if they're attracted to you will actually look away as though they’re not interested. Sometimes it’s because they’re having a hot flush.

Other times it's a test, a test to measure your interest. Keep in mind women have far more broad a range of vision than men.

Mens vision is truly tunnel, focused and we make very little, exceptionally little use of our peripheral vision. In fact we don't use it because it's not there in the same way it is with womens eyes.

Plus women will use mirrors as a way of seeing things, watching you and of course their friends "Is he looking?" "Yes he's looking and my goodness he's coming over here!".

And of course women actually know what you're thinking BEFORE your thoughts have left your subconscious mind and entered into your consciousness such that you too know what you're thinking.


Men on the other hand if they’re attracted to a woman go into their tongue drooling 1,000 yard stare as though they’re in a trance with a stupid grin on their face.



There’s a pdf of one of their books at http://www.secret-solutions.com/download/other/BodyLanguagebyAllanPease.pdf. Chapter Ten: Courtship Gestures and Signals.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I have felt that attraction that just guts your stomach and sinks your heart maybe 5 or 6 times in this lifetime. Male and female. I married one of them.
> 
> But I find that to be from reincarnation and knowing the souls in another lifetime. Soul mates, if you will. It's a wonderful feeling and it hasn't happened to me in a while, until recently. It is always fun to dig around in those emotions and figure out why you're so attracted to someone you don't even know, and yet you feel like you've known them forever.  Good shet.


I had that feeling from the moment I first saw my wife. I think on it now as my 42 year crush! Immensely bonding.

I too have felt it a few times. Once with a teenager I knew before my wife, we courted a bit and I was big time friend of her family, like a second family for me from age of five. That crush type feeling returns as soon as I see her even some fifty years later.

I think these things are one of the biggest threats to a marriage. These crushes that gut your stomach, instant type attractions. They undoubtedly happen, I’ve seen my wife in a couple over the decades we were together. It’s why partners need to keep out a weathered eye and bring it to their loved ones conscious attention.


I think these crushes can last a lifetime and can never be killed off no matter how hard we try. In fact I feel the harder we try the longer it will last. If it’s there it’s there type of thing. It is so with one of my mates wife and me. We all get along and like, appreciate and respect one another but that attraction is there and it’s a bit of a ******.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I have come to accept that attraction is also something that can be built, rather than requiring that immediacy of 'love at first sight'.


Some women do grow on you. I've noticed this, some women grab your attention for a few minutes and almost immediately, while others get hotter and hotter over time. It's the ones that get hotter and hotter over time that one has to be careful of!

Next thing you know you're married and wondering how the hell you ended up collared


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Learn from the experts at Pease International.
> 
> There is of course every chance of misunderstanding body language messages, just like there is with spoken messages. All you need is a strategy to determine if your interpretation is correct or not, it’s nothing to be fearful about.
> 
> ...


While those may be some general stereotypes, not everyone fits the mold that easily.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> While those may be some general stereotypes, not everyone fits the mold that easily.


Good luck with that approach! Doesn't seem to have got you very far though.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Good luck with that approach! Doesn't seem to have got you very far though.


What I meant was, some men do have great peripheral vision and pay attention to things around them. Someone might see all the cues and notice everything, but if they aren't sure what those things mean or if they are afraid they could be wrong, then noticing it doesn't do any good.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

gbrad said:


> What I meant was, some men do have great peripheral vision and pay attention to things around them. Someone might see all the cues and notice everything, but if they aren't sure what those things mean or if they are afraid they could be wrong, then noticing it doesn't do any good.


You only live once. Sometimes you just gotta grab life or else it sure as heck will pass you by as you sit there contemplating and wondering what might be or could have been. There are people that literally live their lives out in their head.


Fortune favours the brave .... for very fundamental reasons. The meek never actually know if they will inherit the earth and they'll only get it if someone gives it to them.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You only live once. Sometimes you just gotta grab life or else it sure as heck will pass you by as you sit there contemplating and wondering what might be or could have been. There are people that literally live their lives out in their head.
> 
> 
> Fortune favours the brave .... for very fundamental reasons. The meek never actually know if they will inherit the earth and they'll only get it if someone gives it to them.


I completely agree with that. I know what it is like to live things out only in my head and never doing them. One example; I have never in my life asked someone out. Every girl/woman I have ever been with happened some other way besides me stepping out on that ledge.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

gbrad said:


> I completely agree with that. I know what it is like to live things out only in my head and never doing them. One example; I have never in my life asked someone out. Every girl/woman I have ever been with happened some other way besides me stepping out on that ledge.


Fascinating.

Get out there and get rejected. It's good for you.
And if the idea of it makes you want to throw-up, all the more reason you should do it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I have never in my life asked someone out. Every girl/woman I have ever been with happened some other way besides me stepping out on that ledge.


Interesting, I normally reject the ones that hit on me and go for the ones that at least know how to play hard to get. It was a bad thing at first - kept missing out on opportunities, but eventually as I grew up it turns out it's a good thing, I get the girls who at least know how to tease. I can't imagine having more than a ONS with a woman that doesn't


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

When we are young we think whatever feels right must be right. WRONG. As we are attractedto , and pursue, and hook, and lose interest in what we initially thought was magic for various reasons and then we learn from those incorrect first impressions. 

Thinking people are eventually attracted to character as well as those unknown qualities that initially got us. Therefore there is no such thing as "love at first site" when you have gained a little wisdom. There can only be "potential love at first site".


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Interesting, I normally reject the ones that hit on me and go for the ones that at least know how to play hard to get. It was a bad thing at first - kept missing out on opportunities, but eventually as I grew up it turns out it's a good thing, I get the girls who at least know how to tease. I can't imagine having more than a ONS with a woman that doesn't


I used to be the same way, avoid like crazy the women who came after me yet thoroughly enjoyed the chase myself.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Haha yeah! Longest chase was with my wife - took over a year!!! Still remember the sense of achievement when I finally had her, felt like running around town shouting "SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!" :rofl:
Which obviously she would NOT have approved of lol

Toughest chase though was with my step-sister ages, ages ago (nope, no blood relation  - mum just married her dad), didn't take long but that was some risky sh-t! Even though my GRANDMA kept teasing us about us two getting married as we weren't blood related  (like WTF grandma?! lol)

Oh hell I love the chase and the challenge... can't live without it.

Heh... good times, good memories 
I miss those days


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *AFEH said*: I used to be the same way, avoid like crazy the women who came after me yet thoroughly enjoyed the chase myself.





> *Random Dude said*: Oh hell I love the chase and the challenge... can't live without it.



2 Alphas....I was smart enough to know in my youth to never chase a man...just by observing how that plays down, I even told girls... don't even go there!!! Especially if you want Mr popularity ......they turn their noses on such women, only seeing them as "desperate". 

Every boy I ever crushed on...NEVER knew (most from afar)...and I preferred it that way. I might tell my best GF but if she told... I'd take her head off. 

I figured if they wanted me... they'll come... I believe the man should pursue...put himself out there, if he can't do that much....well... that is a sad state. I am very old fashioned like that... even though once he has me.... I can turn that on its head pretty nicely.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Thundarr said:


> When we are young we think whatever feels right must be right. WRONG. As we are attractedto , and pursue, and hook, and lose interest in what we initially thought was magic for various reasons and then we learn from those incorrect first impressions.
> 
> Thinking people are eventually attracted to character as well as those unknown qualities that initially got us. Therefore there is no such thing as "love at first site" when you have gained a little wisdom. There can only be "potential love at first site".



When talking about "love", that's way to clinical for me.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 2 Alphas....I was smart enough to know in my youth to never chase a man...just by observing how that plays down, I even told girls... don't even go there!!! Especially if you want Mr popularity ......they turn their noses on such women, only seeing them as "desperate".
> 
> Every boy I ever crushed on...NEVER knew (most from afar)...and I preferred it that way. I might tell my best GF but if she told... I'd take her head off.
> 
> I figured if they wanted me... they'll come... I believe the man should pursue...put himself out there, if he can't do that much....well... that is a sad state. I am very old fashioned like that... even though once he has me.... I can turn that on its head pretty nicely.


My wife took that to the Nth degree, but I figured while she was letting me catch her all was ok. I think some women make themselves way too easy and then they wonder why they can't get themselves a good man.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Fascinating.
> 
> Get out there and get rejected. It's good for you.
> And if the idea of it makes you want to throw-up, all the more reason you should do it.


Well I shouldn't be getting out there right now, still married. But if the time ever comes when I am not, I'm not sure how I would react to it.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

AFEH said:


> I used to be the same way, avoid like crazy the women who came after me yet thoroughly enjoyed the chase myself.


I've never had a woman come after me either, so that wasn't something to avoid. It always happened as a set up by friends or I was friends with the woman first and then it grew to be more than friends. 
Different experiences for everyone I guess.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Just curious gbrad, did you grow up in a small town? Because I noticed that's normally how it works in country towns, I'm big city folk myself


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> *My wife took that to the Nth degree,* but I figured while she was letting me catch her all was ok. I think some women make themselves way too easy and then they wonder why they can't get themselves a good man.


I'm not getting it ....what did she take to the Nth degree AFEH? 

I've always felt a man should be "smitten"...it has to be about







*for him*... as often MEN can separate this easier than the woman....so if she is too forthcoming / shows her interest aggressively....his being the "weaker sex" (always wanting







)....he may give into this...for the moment....sure she can get a little "bonding" going on with her seductive charms....

But yet...it's dangerous for her.....he may even question his falling ~ but giving in due to stirred hormones....she may even have hog tied him if she ends up pregnant.... I just wouldn't trust such a beginning as this... But that's me. This is how I personally THINK. 

I also have a disdain for ever feeling I might be the slightest *burden* to anyone. I realize most people are just *NICE*...even when they don't like you half the time...let alone looking for LOVE. The way I have heard some talk behind their SO's back..







So sometimes being the woman "reeling him in" can get you somewhere but it's not always a stable place...he may even start to view her as an irritant (but keeps her around for sex)...... Damn that would HURT!!! 

As a woman, I want to be on the receiving end of an intentional pursued interest & for more than just a roll in the hay... That way I know it's *his*







, his call, his doing.....HE IS THE MAN....he is supposed to lead... be the Head..... (Old fashioned views again - but that's the type of guy I wanted anyhow).... 

These things have always been very important to me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife at that time during courtship was at her strongest, she was in full control of herself to be honest, I was the man circling her for a full year trying to find a weakness. She knew how to be seductive without looking like she's trying to be seductive, she could deny the obvious and make you feel like an idiot for believing otherwise.

But she knew how to keep my interest. Men who like the chase still get tired after a while if no progress has been made and it just doesn't seem worth it. She knew when to give in just a little just when I lost all hope, and to give me the illusion of progress. And even when she does give in via flirts/affection/"innocent" touches/even more teases (yet no sex), she always made sure that I knew that wasn't all she had to offer. She knew how to keep all her bases covered too.

Remember that "Cleopatra" movie? The new one, Cleopatra asked "How do you seduce a conqueror", and the lady replied "You must make sure he knows that no matter how much you've given him, there is always something left to conquer" - wise words for women seducing men who like the chase like me!!!

Besides the main reason it took so long was because I had trouble trying to break up with my rather possessive/emotional blackmailing gf at that time. Even when we finally did break up I had to get people involved so she doesn't kill herself!


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Just curious gbrad, did you grow up in a small town? Because I noticed that's normally how it works in country towns, I'm big city folk myself


That is how what works in small towns? All of my relationships besides my wife happened while I was at college. So the whole city folk small town thing, not sure how that applies.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Ah! Nevermind... I just found that country folks normally meet their spouses through friends and family, compared to big city folk who have pickups and what not etc etc


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Ah! Nevermind... I just found that country folks normally meet their spouses through friends and family, compared to big city folk who have pickups and what not etc etc


I have spent time in both the small town and the big city, I was just never comfortable with the idea of hearing no. If I thought there was any chance of being shot down, I didn't approach. When I had a chance to go after two girls who I had interest in and felt both liked me, I spent more time with the one who I thought I had a better chance with, but I liked her friend more. I went with what was easier. It ended up being a good time and she was my first, but the friend, was a much better person and would have been a better relationship. My fear just kept me from going for it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I wasn't the type to risk it all either unless I knew it was worth the risk myself. Like, I listen to my gut, and only pounce when I know I have a good enough chance or a clear shot - hunter's instinct again. I don't think that's exactly fear, but more wisdom.

When I was younger though I didn't know how to handle women that well, and I kept going for what I couldn't have. Mates called me picky, and attributed my loneliness to the fact that I kept rejecting everyone, and when I found a woman I actually liked, I kept fking it up. I realised that I can't help being picky, but I had to learn the game.

If I hadn't learnt the game, I'll probably be very lonely right now and settling with FWBs.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I'm not getting it ....what did she take to the Nth degree AFEH?
> 
> I've always felt a man should be "smitten"...it has to be about
> 
> ...


I'm thinking after being together for 42 years I had quite a few different types of relationships with my wife. Young teenagers, young parents, adventurers, the 30s and 40s, middle aged, MLCs and beyond. The only phase we didn't make was retirement and the end game!

During all that time I never doubted my love for my wife even having fell in love with her at the instant I first saw her as a teenager. My attraction to her was immense and for way more reasons than how she looked and the sex between us. And it that stayed that way. It's not so now though and only she could do that.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> When I was younger though I didn't know how to handle women that well, and I kept going for what I couldn't have. Mates called me picky, and attributed my loneliness to the fact that I kept rejecting everyone, and when I found a woman I actually liked, I kept fking it up. I realised that I can't help being picky, but I had to learn the game.


Well,when I was younger I always got what I wanted from women .
Funny thing is the only woman that has ever rejected me , twice, is my wife!
And there wasn't much physical attraction there, but deep down I always knew that she would was a good woman.
So when we finally got together I decided it must work.
I almost F-ed it up . I remember about four months into the reltionship , I was telling myself that I was fooling myself and her. Because I had liked her,but the butterflies were just not there, so I decided to end the relationship.
She was heads over heels in love.

I remember before I could even say a word she looked into my eyes and broke down crying.
I couldn't do it, and today I'm glad that I didn't.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

gbrad said:


> My fear just kept me from going for it.













I learned 4 yrs ago...by revisiting our past ... my husband had pretty near ZERO confidence , even expected me to turn him down, his attitude was.... "well if I don't ask her, someone else is going to come around & snatch her".... so he went for it & literally braced himself for rejection...He knew me less than a week. 

Love that he put himself out there anyway...

I remember running into the bathroom my mind racing... thinking "







I hardly know him, what do I do! what do I say!?... then just thought .... "well he is cute enough without those glasses"... I went out , told him "yes".... that was our beginning. 

Though I'll say my body language (as AFEH often talks about) was very friendly/ open to him. So I guess he wasn't a fool ~ just lacked confidence. 

He's a very sensitive guy, he hates rejection too....shrinks from the near thought of it ... not the type to embrace that for a regular pastime. 

He also told me , If I was not into him... that would have been IT....he'd walk away, he is not into being a Pest, or game playing... Good thing I took him on....or I would have had to turn around & chase him. 

We have a guy friend who never asked his Prom date to go out/ get to know each other better - he has played the "What if " dance in his head for yrs :slap:....(after his divorce anyway)

Opportunities he let slip through his fingers... I bet many can think back to some of those. The shyer men anyhow. 

I would think if you *really* liked someone / even if a rejection results....there has to be a few that stands out that would have been "*worth the risk*"...even if the smallest possibility was there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@CM

You didn't lose respect for her when she broke down? I don't know... I'm having troubles respecting my wife for breaking down twice now.

You're lucky btw, zero rejection except for your wife! Personally if I was you I would never have had relationships because I like those who play hard to get lol


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## humanbecoming (Mar 14, 2012)

Has nothing to do with the topic, but SA, this pic gives me horrible flip flops in my gut! I'm horribly acrophobic!


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @CM
> 
> You didn't lose respect for her when she broke down? I don't know... I'm having troubles respecting my wife for breaking down twice now.
> 
> You're lucky btw, zero rejection except for your wife! Personally if I was you I would never have had relationships because I like those who play hard to get lol


My wife is the only woman I ever really had a real relationship with. 
We were friends for about five years before we started.
I tried to get with her but she refused me twice.
The woman before her lasted about 4 months and that as the longest period I had ever been with a woman, I caught her cheating and dumped her.
With my wife it went for a year then marriage.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Looks like you got collared really soon, for my history was really dragged out


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well,when I was younger I always got what I wanted from women .
> Funny thing is the only woman that has ever rejected me , twice, is my wife!
> And there wasn't much physical attraction there, but deep down I always knew that she would was a good woman.
> So when we finally got together I decided it must work.
> ...


Lasting attraction is based on how much you value her as a person so I think you were very smart to use your big head durig that time.

And I don't know about the whole butterflies thing. To me they are often tied with anxiety and nervousness and can quickly change a man to become needy and clingy. We know how attractive the ladies find those qualities.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> @CM
> 
> You didn't lose respect for her when she broke down? I don't know... I'm having troubles respecting my wife for breaking down twice now.
> 
> You're lucky btw, zero rejection except for your wife! Personally if I was you I would never have had relationships because *I like those who play hard to get* lol


This is like a cruel joke God played on us. To want what we can't have and to not appreciate what's right there. That's where the old saying that love will find you when you stop looking for it. It happens more naturally that way.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, I don't see it as a cruel joke as long as the woman in question teases me a little. A bit of tease and the whole hard to get game becomes just a bit of foreplay.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Looks like you got collared really soon, for my history was really dragged out


You misunderstand me,

I NEVER had a real girlfriends because all I had was sex, not relationships.
After I got bored with the sex I just moved on.
I was never really interested in relationships after my first encounter with real sex.
She was about 10 yrs older than me, was 16 yrs old.
Before her I has lots of " girlfriends" but no sex.
After her I had lots of sex, but no real girlfriends.

So my wife was really the first real relationship I've ever had where we actually had to work out stuff etc.


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## MsPATS (Nov 28, 2012)

I met my husband in high school. I knew I was going to marry him. Everytime I saw him I got hot flushes. After we were married, everytime he called me on the phone or talked to me I got those same hot flushes. We were married for 17 years before the Lord called him home. I have never had that feeling with anyone. In my whole life, I never had anyone look at me the way he did.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

MsPATS said:


> I met my husband in high school. I knew I was going to marry him. Everytime I saw him I got hot flushes. After we were married, everytime he called me on the phone or talked to me I got those same hot flushes. We were married for 17 years before the Lord called him home. I have never had that feeling with anyone. In my whole life, I never had anyone look at me the way he did.


Thanks for that, and I'm very sorry.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MsPATS said:


> I met my husband in high school. I knew I was going to marry him. Everytime I saw him I got hot flushes. After we were married, everytime he called me on the phone or talked to me I got those same hot flushes. We were married for 17 years before the Lord called him home. I have never had that feeling with anyone. In my whole life, I never had anyone look at me the way he did.


Sorry about your husband.
But that's raw attraction.
That's what I'm talking about!
The " hot flushes " parts sounds like my wife!


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