# Reaching out



## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Hello all, 

I'm reaching out to this forum because I saw some threads with similar situations like the one I'm currently going through. Any advice would be much appreciated! Here's my story: 

My wife and I have been together for 9 years. We have 3 children 5/7/9 (oldest is from a previous marriage however when I met my wife she was 9 months old) and she recently told me that "she's done." This is the second time that she has gotten to a point where she feels physically and emotionally neglected. Looking back I have realized that during the busy schedule of having 3 children, that the typical routine has faded passion over the years. This is the second time that this has happened. I got comfortable, didn't take care of my health, and didn't cater to her needs. By the time we discuss what the problems are, she is already talking to other men. Sending inappropriate pictures, videos, you name it. I recently found out about 2 weeks ago that she started these conversations again, and I immediately confronted her about it which initiated a series of serious talks to identify the core problems. During this period she becomes insatiable. Going from normally intimate to wanting passion every single day. This tore be up as I never truly felt like it was genuine and in the back of my mind this was a by product of these inappropriate conversations with other men. Wanting to move forward, I got a babysitter for a 4 day weekend with the intentions on spending quality time with her. The first day was fantastic (now keep in mind that up until this point she never made it seem like she was unhappy) it was full of passion, and I felt like our hearts were bursting for each other. 

Well, I was wrong. 

I found out the next morning that she was on the phone with another man for multiple hours while she was just "running to the store." I lost my cool, I confronted her about it, and that's when she told me that she was done. We went from pure ecstasy to where she has "anxiety attacks" just being in the same room as me. Asked for counseling, to which she immediately declined. She's cordial with me, as I will need some time to get my ducks in a row (she will keep the house etc) and shes understanding. Its been 5 days, I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for creating a void, for neglecting her emotional and physical needs. I can only sleep 1-2 hours at a time, with an average of 4 hours a night. She stays home for the most part, but she stays in the garage where she can smoke and continue to have long conversations with other men. I know about these continued conversations, and have confronted her about them but they are still happening. She tells me that these other men "make her feel better" and that she recognizes that its wrong, but part of her doesn't care as she doesn't respect me. 

She said that shes not mad at me, that she doesn't hate me, that she thinks I'm a good person, and that she is "hurt that she's hurting me." I'm just seriously torn, it all seems all of a sudden, and now I feel like I've been immediately replaced. Like I said earlier, we're cordial for the most part, we spend time together as a family, and we even have times where we can both laugh. She's openly said that shes forcing herself to try to fix our marriage, that she has been trying to work on us for some time now but I never took her seriously. She acknowledges that I am trying, but that it's too late. 

What am I supposed to do? I'm tore between fighting for her love again, but I also partially have resentment because she doesn't seem to care at all when it comes to talking to these other men. I have truly realized that I have peronal issues that I need to take care of and I am now focusing on myself, my health, career, and other demons that I battle. I'm trying my best to give her space, but deep down I have this incredible urge to just hold her, to make things better, to fix our marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

She is hurt that she is hurting you, but not enough to stop?

She certainly does not respect you. If nothing else, you have to appreciate the honesty.

So this isn't the first time. Whenever she feels neglected, she seeks comfort from other men. This makes her a lousy partner, and no amount of you neglecting her makes this okay. In other words, you may be responsible for a portion of the state of the marriage, but you have zero responsibility for her choice to cheat...multiple times.

The more important question is this: why do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to tolerate this situation longer than an hour without taking action?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She is an unremorseful woman whose only aims are in getting her sexual needs met. And that only ~ you don't need her because she is far removed from being wife/mother material! Only the lying, deceptive cheating skank that she has more than proven herself to be!

That being said, you need to immediately execute "the 180," meet with a good "piranha" family attorney to advise you of both your property and custodial rights, then file for divorce and also for full custody of all three kids, as she has clearly demonstrated to the world that she doesn't want them as they, like you, are in her way from living the Hedonistic style of life that she is attuned to. I'd ask the court for the maximum amount of child support with her getting the barest-bones supervised visitation that the law will allow!

You are those kids lifeline! It should preeminently be about them and you as a family right now!

Life was never meant to live this way! Rid yourself of that scourge and know that in time, you will meet a faithful and loving woman who will truly love you for the man that you are!

Welcome to TAM! Sorry to see you here, but you have come to preeminently the best place in the world for marital help and advice!*


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> she recently told me that "she's done."


And as much as you want to make things right, realize that she made a choice to disconnect from the marriage of her own volition. If she's choosing to stonewall you and to be done, the marriage is done as far as she's concerned. I fear your continued efforts to save this marriage will only preserve a union between you and someone who claims to be your wife but does not act like it. She's cheating on you (I dare say physically and emotionally), and she doesn't care. You deserve better.

Help me understand: your wife stays home all day, phones men in the garage while taking a smoke, after the kids are gotten off to school and while you're out working to put food on the table and keep a roof over your family's head? Yet, under these circumstances, it seems OK to you that she get the house and she get your kids in a separation/divorce? This is appalling. 

First thing, stop blaming yourself for neglectfulness; it does not excuse her behavior. Second thing, get evidence of her emotional affairs; it will come in handy. Third thing, consult with a few divorce attorneys to better understand your rights in a divorce; you'll want to discuss your chances of full custody (I assume 2 kids are yours), and obligations for alimony/child support when your wife has been cheating. Fourth thing, get out of the marriage.

I typically encourage marriage counseling and attempted reconciliation to people in troubled marriages when kids are involved, if there's no physical/substance abuse and even if there were infidelity. However, reconciliation is only possible when couples share that goal for their marriage, and it doesn't seem like your wife would set that goal at present or in her future. Considering this, I would plan a graceful exit and restart your life with someone who cares enough for you to be faithful.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She is cheating...do you get that? she is cheating and she is blame shifting it on too you...she does not get too do that...and please please do not become a doormat accepting that crap.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Your wife is a spoiled child and children only respect authority. You cannot rationalize with a child, their minds are not yet developed enough to where reason and logic are comprehensible. Therefore, you must approach her as you would a rebellious teenager by first acknowledging the fallacy of her statements. Let us look at the statement she made "the other men make me feel good". This is laughable. You are providing a roof, food and most of her wants (that is an assumption but likely true) and yet these "other men" have the magical ability to say just the right thing to "make her feel good" with words, yet she cannot feel good about the roof, food and relative security you are providing? They must have some incredible insight that they are relating to her, no?

Then there is the statement "it hurts me that I am hurting you". This indicates that she is a masochist. No one would cause themselves pain if it was in their power to stop it unless they enjoyed the pain and if they did enjoy it then is it really pain? or is it pleasure? These are but two examples of her child mind. She is not mature enough to be in an adult relationship and, if you wish to continue in this with her you will have to assume the role of quasi-parent. She must be made to "behave". In other words you must stop treating her like an adult and begin dealing with her on a level that she understands.

You must put your foot down and give her consequences. No more talking to men while we are married, no more covert contact. She can still do those things just not as your wife. You must give the child punishment or they will continue to misbehave.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Get your head out of your ass.

You didn't make her cheat. You may not be the perfect husband but she's cheating because she made the conscious decision to. 

From all indications it's a serial thing which normally won't stop.

Quit projecting your feelings and love for her onto her. It's obvious she doesn't feel that way towards you.

Rolling over and being a patsy isn't going to do anything except cause you to have zero respect and lower your status even more if that's possible.

Get the names of the men and inform their spouses without warning. It's about you're only chance.

If you don't have the guts to do this you may as well file or you'll just wallow in this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just let her go. She isnt worth trying to fight for.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I have to chime in and say that I agree with all the comments already posted.

OP, you are responsible for your own behavior, and in turn partially responsible for the marriage breaking down. But you are not responsible for her cheating; you didn't drive her or push her to do this, she made that choice all on her own. And YES, what she is doing is cheating. If these flirtations haven't yet become physical, it's only a matter of time. And there is such a thing as an emotional affair.

She's already checked out of this marriage. I would recommend seeing a lawyer and filing for divorce as soon as possible. Give her what she wants, and let her go. Reality will set in for her soon enough. Stop wasting your time and energy trying to win her back. A woman who would cheat on you isn't worth it.

And you also need to get yourself into counseling, 1) to deal with the emotional fallout of your marriage, and 2) to start working on you, and start fixing the parts of yourself that contributed to the marriage falling apart.

Good luck, friend. We'll help you through it. You've come to the right place.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.

However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.

If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Chasing, trying to nice them back, etc is all a waste of time. Hard no contact is what's needed.
> 
> However, in your current mindset I doubt you have the strength or will to follow through with it.
> 
> If you don't/can't you'll just wallow in this longer.


Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.

Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.

That's why the best advice is always never leave your home.

You won't listen right now but you were warned.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.
> 
> Wake up and get out of your denial. Once she gets you out you'll never be allowed back in.
> 
> ...



So you're suggesting that I do not talk to her at all and prepare to be in a position if need be, leave?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.


Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it. Do what it says to do.

Do you know who the men are that she carrying on with?

Does anyone else, like her family, know what she is doing?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.


Leaving your home is not a good idea at this point.

What you are saying is that you are willing to walk out on your children because you feel uncomfortable at home. You need to see a lawyer before you move out to make sure you do this strategically. In some states, your moving out could be viewed as abandonment and cost you big time in a divorce.

She has to stop this nonsense while you are at home because it's not just her home, it's yours too. There are ways to put a stop to her hanging out in the garage all day smoking and talking to men. Who is taking care of the children while she does this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Marc878 said:
> 
> 
> > Separation is always used to make time for the other man or prep for divorce.
> ...


He's saying to NOT leave your home. Do not move out because she wants to cheat. As soon as you do, she is going to bring strange men into the home and around your children. Do you know what the sexual molestation rates are when this sort of thing happens? 

Do not leave your home. It's your legal residence. It is the home of your children. Do not move away from your children. They need you to protect them from a mother who is acting pretty bizar. Yep, it's pretty bizar for a woman to be hiding out in the garage so she can talk to men. 

Plus, if there is any chance at all of repairing your marriage, a separation will kill it. You can fix a marriage by leaving. In order to fix a marriage you two have to be under the same roof. A separation is only a stepping stone to make her cheating and a divorce easier.

If she wants to cheat, she has the option to move out. And do not allow her to take the children (at least on your children) with her. By law, she does not have the right to unilaterally remove the children from the family home... from their legal residence. See a lawyer to find out how to prevent this.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.
> ...


I have already started reading that book. The men that she is currently talking to are not local, that I know of. She plays a game on her phone and uses the LINE messaging app to communicate with the community. She is texting, calling, and video chatting with men through this app. I am not sure if her family knows that she is talking to other men. 



EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Yes I agree. Right now we are cordial for the most part but I'm trying to ignore her the best I can. She still stays in the garage 90% of time we are home together, which is quite often as she works from home and I've been out of work for the past 3 years because I've been in school. Right now I'm trying to get back into the workforce with the intention on finishing my degree through night classes. We had a productive discussion today, however it was about my future living arrangements. I just don't feel like immediately jumping to the conclusion of divorce. Separation is definitely needed in order for me to truly focus on myself, my health, my career, my personal happiness. I'm hoping that through separation things could work out with short sacrifices for the long run. Or I could just be absolutely pathetic to have hope for this. Not sure, its always a roller coaster.
> ...


To her, she has been done for some time. Things like this has happened in the past, (she got unhappy, she cheated) and to her it is a direct result from me getting too comfortable, and the fact that I enjoy playing video games. She enjoys gaming as well however this past year she would have her friend over 3/4 times a week and while they were hanging out I would play in the living room. She said that she's been unhappy for some time now, and that she's been done for some time as well. She is saying that she is completely done because the last time this happened (5 years ago) I made positive changes then about 2 years afterwards fell back into the same routine. Right now she has a serious defense mechanism that will not allow her to show feelings, or to even consider working on our marriage. She feels this way because she believes that I will only make temporary changes, nothing that will sustain.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

She also has told me that her decision to be completely done with our marriage was decided long before the talks with other men started, however, I do not believe that one bit.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I have already started reading that book. The men that she is currently talking to are not local, that I know of. She plays a game on her phone and uses the LINE messaging app to communicate with the community. She is texting, calling, and video chatting with men through this app. I am not sure if her family knows that she is talking to other men.


Ok, in the book it talks about exposure to end the affair, or inappropriate activities.

That means you gather evidence. And then you expose to her family, yours and key friends who will support marriage. You tell them what she is doing and ask them to help you end her affair(s) and get her back into the marriage. The books talks about how to word this.

The book also says to contact the wives of affair partners. In this case the wives of the men she is talking to. Usually, then a man’s wife is informed that their husband is cheating. The man drops the affair partner like yesterday’s news. It’s one of the fastest ways to put an end to the nonsense she is up to. She will find out very quickly how much these men really care for her. 

Do you have access to her phone bill? You can get the phone numbers of the men, do a bit of research and find their wives if they are married. And then inform their wives.
If you can get your hands on chats, emails, screen shots, etc, even better. Here is a thread that might help you.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html

What she is doing is high risk in that she has no idea who these men or what their history is. She is not being very smart at all. Where I you, I would do a background check on each of the guys and see what sort of criminal, marriage and financial info I could find on them. If you think this is excessive, thing about the fact that at least one of these guys might be around your children someday.



YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> To her, she has been done for some time. Things like this has happened in the past, (she got unhappy, she cheated) and to her it is a direct result from me getting too comfortable, and the fact that I enjoy playing video games. She enjoys gaming as well however this past year she would have her friend over 3/4 times a week and while they were hanging out I would play in the living room. She said that she's been unhappy for some time now, and that she's been done for some time as well. She is saying that she is completely done because the last time this happened (5 years ago) I made positive changes then about 2 years afterwards fell back into the same routine. Right now she has a serious defense mechanism that will not allow her to show feelings, or to even consider working on our marriage. She feels this way because she believes that I will only make temporary changes, nothing that will sustain.


So, she thinks she’s done right now. Don’t argue with her about it. Just do what the books says to do. 
The books talks about Plan A and Plan B. You have been dealing with this for some time, so I think you need to go right to Plan B, which is pretty much the 180. You need to expose her for what she is doing, make sure your kids are safe, then tell her that if she will stop the affairs and talking to men, you would be willing to consider reconciliation. But until she stops it, you are getting on with your life. 

Move to another bedroom (or some room) in your home and stay until you file for divorce and your lawyer sets up child custody and time sharing that gives you 50%.

Also, to let help her realize that divorce is real—she is the primary bread winner, right? Sue her for alimony. You can most likely get interim alimony and child support until the divorce is final. You might be able to get rehabilitative alimony after the divorce for some time period. If she pushes you to move out, make sure she knows that you will go after alimony and child support.

It’s time for you to play some hard ball. I don’t mean be an SOB, just that you stand up for yourself and your children.

Look, you were not a perfect husband. But she was clearly not a perfect wife. Her affair and bad behavior is on her. The fact is that she is still married. She clearly has no respect for marriage at all.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> She also has told me that her decision to be completely done with our marriage was decided long before the talks with other men started, however, I do not believe that one bit.


Your answer to that is:

"The marriage is not done until the ink is dry on the divorce. You chose adultery. That is 100% on you."

And then walk away.

You need to stop letting yourself be blind sided by her silly justifications. Come up with a few pat answers, like the one above, and just repeat them when she start taking nonsense about how she has done with the marriage some time ago.

Also let her know that until she stops her affair, chasing men, etc, you will not discuss your marriage, reconciliation or relationship with her. Then don't give her a chance to say things like that.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

She has been doing everything affair related through this line app which I have no access to. The only way i can get into take screenshots etc would be to go through her phone which she has since changed her security code. I would have to press her thumb to unlock the phone...don't think I can do that without her waking up. Since last Saturday we have not been sleeping together. The friend that has been here consistently through all of this has already expressed her feelings towards her behavior and actions. She has since told me that the issue is much deeper than just the other men. Now this could easily just be a lie to her friend, as I believe that when someone is cheating, they'll find any way to justify their actions.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > She also has told me that her decision to be completely done with our marriage was decided long before the talks with other men started, however, I do not believe that one bit.
> ...


She doesn't initiate these conversations at all, so that won't be a problem. We have discussed reconciliation, I've been weak. I know this, I'm devastated at the time lost, and the hard work put into our marriage. It has been a few days since I have tried to make her reconsider her decision. Things get difficult because our home is technically in her parents name. We did this for multiple reasons, so to me unless I'm mistaken I don't have much leverage there. I understand and accept that I will have to initiate the 180, just much more difficult than it sounds :-/


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> She doesn't initiate these conversations at all, so that won't be a problem. We have discussed reconciliation, I've been weak. I know this, I'm devastated at the time lost, and the hard work put into our marriage. It has been a few days since I have tried to make her reconsider her decision. Things get difficult because our home is technically in her parents name. We did this for multiple reasons, so to me unless I'm mistaken I don't have much leverage there.


It does not matter who owns the home. It is your legal residence. She cannot kick you out of your legal residence. If her parents tried to kick you out, your lawyer could probably get that stopped because it's your marital home and the home of your children. Plus they would have to go through whatever the process is to evict a tenant which can be long and drawn out if you have a good lawyer. You have rights here.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP.



YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I understand and accept that I will have to initiate the 180, just much more difficult than it sounds :-/


Yea it's hard. Its even harder with children because you do have to talk about things dealing with the children. 

The 180 will get easier with each passing day. You do the 180 (or Plan B) until either she ends her affairs/nonsense or you fall out of love or decide to divorce and actually file.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> She has been doing everything affair related through this line app which I have no access to. The only way i can get into take screenshots etc would be to go through her phone which she has since changed her security code. I would have to press her thumb to unlock the phone...don't think I can do that without her waking up. Since last Saturday we have not been sleeping together. The friend that has been here consistently through all of this has already expressed her feelings towards her behavior and actions. She has since told me that the issue is much deeper than just the other men. Now this could easily just be a lie to her friend, as I believe that when someone is cheating, they'll find any way to justify their actions.


Do you have access to her phone bill? if all you can get are the phone numbers you can go from there.

Does she make the phone calls through the app? 

Take a look at https://www.webwatcher.com/pc-monit...Wlxz_Gn27FuY8NwUXlX1K_DprYil_zx9DMxoCLXvw_wcB

It a key stroke monitor. It works.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yes she makes all the phone calls through the app. At one point I had the app downloaded on my computer but she has since found out how to disable that feature.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> So you're suggesting that I do not talk to her at all and prepare to be in a position if need be, leave?


*Do not leave your home. You're acting weak and being manipulated. Get some backbone and stand up for yourself.*

If it were me I'd be exposing her actions to family and friends. I'd also find out who she's talking to and expose that to these other men's wives. Get started by reviewing your phone bill online to see who they are.

You're in law enforcement you shouldn't be acting like a wimp.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

I'm not in law enforcement. No idea where you got that from. The phone records are clean, there is nothing out of the ordinary aside from a few 2-3 hour phone calls however the other person is a 20 year old guy that is single. Nothing to expose there. Her parents have already expressed that they just want her to be happy, and that they agree with her decision to end our marriage as I have slacked on my responsibilities both as a man and as a husband.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

She has now set it up to where anytime i use her ipad to check icloud stored photos/messages etc she receives an email. same with facebook. I have researched this to see if it will work, not sure if I will need her phone to be unlocked or not. figured it was worth a shot. Can't post the link but its called "Dr. Fone LINE backup"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So her parents are ok with her hocking up with men online?


Well, if you cannot get info on the guys she is in contact with, then take the stance of focusing on yourself and your children. Do not move out of your house, do the 180 and start talking to a lawyer.

If she comes around, she comes around.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

I don't think they are okay with it, but they won't say anything to her about it. Even if they did, she wouldn't care.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So focus on yourself and your kids.

What's your plan.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

This is my plan: 

1- J-O-B 
2- while at home, surround myself with my children, let them have fun stay up late, eat treats, trying to replace the current tension in the house with good/happy vibes. Our children are young, so it's a little easier
3- complete 180 
4-surround myself with my friends. Right now I've got 2 friends of mine that have really been supporting me through all of this 
5-allow time to work its magic, whichever way it goes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> This is my plan:
> 
> 1- J-O-B
> 2- while at home, surround myself with my children, let them have fun stay up late, eat treats, trying to replace the current tension in the house with good/happy vibes. Our children are young, so it's a little easier
> ...


6-Plan an outing at least once a week with my children. (If you don't know what to do with them, check meetup.com. The site lists all sorts of local activities. Some of them are oriented to parent/child actives.)

7-Expand social life (not dating) by doing things that you enjoy. Meet new people. (again check meetup.com)

8-Start a workout plan. Maybe join a gym. 

Isn't your wife going to be at home too... will she being going along with you letting the kids stay up late? LOL


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh and get an attorney... talk to the attorney about thing like your right to stay in the home.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > This is my plan:
> ...


I try to take the kids out everyday. Just to get them out of the house plus it helps me get some fresh air as well. Haven't really gotten to a point where I've become social. To be honest since we've been married the social aspect of friends and stuff died as soon as we started having children. Yup working out would be great. Hell I've lost 18 lbs in 6 days. Don't have an appetite at all, but I have been forcing myself to drink protein shakes. I don't care what she thinks at the moment, as she's stuck in the garage focusing on weightless words instead of being a loving mother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I try to take the kids out everyday. Just to get them out of the house plus it helps me get some fresh air as well. Haven't really gotten to a point where I've become social. To be honest since we've been married the social aspect of friends and stuff died as soon as we started having children. Yup working out would be great. Hell I've lost 18 lbs in 6 days. Don't have an appetite at all, but I have been forcing myself to drink protein shakes. I don't care what she thinks at the moment, as she's stuck in the garage focusing on weightless words instead of being a loving mother.


So she's not interacting with the kids, not even getting them to bed? Instead she's out in the garage??? That's a really bad image in my head.

Is she more or less ignoring the kids?


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

The modern man has been led by relationship experts and liberal feminists to believe that it's okay to be a stay-at-home-dad but that could not be further from the truth. Everything I've read says that more than likely, the wife will eventually lose their respect for their husband, and without respect, they're going to walk all over their husbands, including cheating on them. Your wife has told you to your face that she doesn't respect you. That's pretty disrespectful in and of itself. Believe her. Husbands only set themselves up for failure if they stay at home and don't work. We've read about many accounts of SAHDs being cheated on. Your situation is just another example.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > I try to take the kids out everyday. Just to get them out of the house plus it helps me get some fresh air as well. Haven't really gotten to a point where I've become social. To be honest since we've been married the social aspect of friends and stuff died as soon as we started having children. Yup working out would be great. Hell I've lost 18 lbs in 6 days. Don't have an appetite at all, but I have been forcing myself to drink protein shakes. I don't care what she thinks at the moment, as she's stuck in the garage focusing on weightless words instead of being a loving mother.
> ...


I mean I don't wanna at ignore but yeah indirectly she is. No she doesn't put them to bed, cook meals, clean etc. she's out in the garage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I mean I don't wanna at ignore but yeah indirectly she is. No she doesn't put them to bed, cook meals, clean etc. she's out in the garage.


She has been the financial support of your family right? You said that she works at home. Where does she work? Does she have a room that is her office? Or is the garage the only private place in the house?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yes, she works for a MLM make up company called Younique. Does very well, and then once she got that up and running we talked and made the decision for me to pursue a career that I want in the animation field that required me to go back to school. Yes she has an office but chooses to be in the garage. She plays music pretty loud to try and bleed out the sound of her phone conversations (i stopped hurting myself listening into these conversations) and smokes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Well, like I keep saying.... just focus on yourself and your kids.

My idea of you going out with your kids was to do something really different with them... to bring some new things into their lives. 

Like where I live there are a lot of things on meetup.com.... like hiking, white water rafting....

when my kids were young we went white water rafting where it was safe for kids. They loved it. This will help your kids focus less on family issues. And it will help you start building a broader social life. IT's really important.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Well, like I keep saying.... just focus on yourself and your kids.
> 
> My idea of you going out with your kids was to do something really different with them... to bring some new things into their lives.
> 
> ...


Yes I completely agree, I'm currently looking into it! Thank you!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I mean I don't wanna at ignore but yeah indirectly she is. No she doesn't put them to bed, cook meals, clean etc. she's out in the garage.


You need to start documenting this RIGHT AWAY. Keep a journal of all of the stuff you do for the children, and what SHE is NOT doing for them. You may need this down the road for custody issues.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

jlg07 said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > I mean I don't wanna at ignore but yeah indirectly she is. No she doesn't put them to bed, cook meals, clean etc. she's out in the garage.
> ...



Ever since she told me she was done and I knew she was having emotional affairs I started to write everything down. She has mentioned before that custody battles would never be an issue, as in she would never keep the kids from me. I know she loves our children, she's just not the same right now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Ever since she told me she was done and I knew she was having emotional affairs I started to write everything down. She has mentioned before that custody battles would never be an issue, as in she would never keep the kids from me. I know she loves our children, she's just not the same right now.


But do you know the details of what she means by that? Not keeping the kids from you might mean that she is thinking that you can see them every Sunday afternoon. I'm not saying that she is thinking that. But just asking if you know if she is thinking that you will have the children 50% of the time?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Ever since she told me she was done and I knew she was having emotional affairs I started to write everything down. She has mentioned before that custody battles would never be an issue, as in she would never keep the kids from me. I know she loves our children, she's just not the same right now.
> ...


Her exact words were "I'll never keep the kids from you, you're a great father, you can see them whenever you want."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Her exact words were "I'll never keep the kids from you, you're a great father, you can see them whenever you want."


Oh boy... you do not get it.

"you can see them whenever your want" means that she is the boss of the kids.

Try saying that back to her. Tell here that You will never keep the kids from her and she can see them whenever she wants. And then sit back and watch her explode.

You both have equal rights to parent your children. You should each have them with you as close to 50% of the time as possible if you split up.

It's not that you are going to get to see them when you want. You are going to have the children at your house 50% of the time. You will have a set schedule. You will have the children when your custody agreement says you will have them.

It's not up to her to LET YOU SEE THEM.

Can you understand the difference in attitude? She thinks that she is going to decide when you get to see the kids. Today it's "when you want." If you roll with that, when she gets upset at you she is going to start not letting you see the kids. But she has no right to prevent you have having them per your custody agreement. So fight for a custody agreement that gives you 50%.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yeah I see what you're saying. Damn. I never took it that way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Yeah I see what you're saying. Damn. I never took it that way.


Your children need you, their father, every bit as much as they need their mother. Don't let her assume the 'I own the kids' attitude if you end up divorced.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Yeah I see what you're saying. Damn. I never took it that way.
> ...


Yes I agree, lately I feel like I have taken the responsibility of both roles. Initiated the 180 yesterday. She has already noticed a little bit. I'm starting to think right now she has turned into a sadist, so with me not reacting with sadness, I haven't been giving her the pleasure of her seeing me hurt. Today is her birthday, I had originally planned on taking her out to her favorite restaurant. I saw her this morning and she asked me what "I had planned today" and when I told her nothing she seemed to be upset. Last night she also went to bed around 11:30 which is much different from the previous few weeks as she's been in the garage chatting and having conversations until 4AM


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Today is also Father's Day. Did she plan anything for your kids to celebrate Father's day?

Remember that with the 180, you are not looking to change her. The 180 is for you, so that you get a handle on your emotional state. And it's for you to wait out her affair. And if the affair(s) do not you will eventually fall out of love with her and you will divorce her.

Have you told her what you are going on here from your perspective? You don't want her to think that your not celebrating her birthday is just you being pissy. You need for her to know that this is the way life will be from here on out unless she ends her affair(s) ASAP and puts 100% into reconciliation.

"Wife, you said that you have been done with our marriage for some time. You are seeing other men, even talking to them right here under my nose. I get the message. I'm moving on .

If you want to work on our marriage, you will need to end all contact with other men. And only then can we talk about reconciliation. But if reconciliation is to happen, you need to do this sooner than later while I still care enough to even want to reconcile with a wife who cheating."

My suggestion is that you write this in a letter and give her the letter... could be a good birthday present  I'm suggesting the letter because it will give you a chance to say exactly what you want to say. She cannot argue with you if you just hand her the letter or put is where she will see it. And then you do not have to engage verbally with her. 

Then get your kids and take them out somewhere to celebrate Father's day.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Today is also Father's Day. Did she plan anything for your kids to celebrate Father's day?
> 
> Remember that with the 180, you are not looking to change her. The 180 is for you, so that you get a handle on your emotional state. And it's for you to wait out her affair. And if the affair(s) do not you will eventually fall out of love with her and you will divorce her.
> 
> ...


Yes a letter is great idea. No she hasn't made any plans for Fathers Day.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Yes a letter is great idea. No she hasn't made any plans for Fathers Day.


LOL, I figured that was the deal. She wants attention for her birthday. But she blows off Father's Day.

She is clearly in selfish, self centered mode right now.

Is she usually this self centered? Or is this something what shows up when she is throwing a hissy fit like right now?

Has she made sure that every year up to now that father's day is celebrated?

Has mother's days been celebrated every year? Who plans for that? You or her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok first I think you're right in moving on. She's going through her midlife crisis and sometimes you just have to step out of the way, let them work through it and see if anything's salvageable down the road. 

I don't know if she's always been selfish or if this is just part of her MLC. If she hasn't always been this way, keep a door open, AFTER you see your lawyer to guarantee your rights. 

But remember, the first child is not yours. The kids might get separated in terms of custody. Why you need a lawyer TOMORROW. 

Second, you say she's told you twice now that you were being neglectful and she pulled away because of it. You admitted it. So what are you doing to educate yourself about what a man's role is? What are you doing to change your mindset so that when you do end up in a relationship again, you don't just turn into that same guy who lets the woman take care of everything? If you don't fix this, you'll just find yourself divorcing again down the road. Some good books to read on this:
Hold On To Your N.U.T.s
His Needs Her Needs
Getting The Love You Want


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Yes a letter is great idea. No she hasn't made any plans for Fathers Day.
> ...


Selfish right now, absolutely, and she's openly said that. Yes we always do something special for her on Mother's Day. Usually consists of grabbing a bite to eat along with a crafted gift that the kids and I make for her. I make these plans, she does not.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

She just came to me while I was smoking a cigarette. She said "I don't expect you to be happy but your mood has changed drastically since yesterday. Do you not care or what?" 

How am I supposed to respond to this while going through the 180?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> She just came to me while I was smoking a cigarette. She said "I don't expect you to be happy but your mood has changed drastically since yesterday. Do you not care or what?"
> 
> How am I supposed to respond to this while going through the 180?


Answer verbally that you are just fine.

Then write the letter and give it to her. That way she knows that you are taking her seriously and moving on unless she ends the affair nonsense completely.

Have you purchased the books yet? "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? YOU have to read the book. Seriously man.. like yesterday


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Selfish right now, absolutely, and she's openly said that. Yes we always do something special for her on Mother's Day. Usually consists of grabbing a bite to eat along with a crafted gift that the kids and I make for her. I make these plans, she does not.


OK but you did not answer all of the questions. 

What has Father's day been link in the past? Has she made sure that Father's day is equally celebrated?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Answer verbally that you are just fine.
> 
> Then write the letter and give it to her. That way she knows that you are taking her seriously and moving on unless she ends the affair nonsense completely.
> 
> Have you purchased the books yet? "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs"? YOU have to read the book. Seriously man.. like yesterday


By the way, when you say that to her.....

"I'm just fine" and say it with a smile (not a forced smile) and a twinkle in your eye.

This is not a terse "I'M FINE!"


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > Answer verbally that you are just fine.
> ...


No they were not ever equally celebrated, or atleast not that I can remember. No i haven't gotten the books yet, will do that this week. 

She didn't know about the note before she asked me what was going on, to which I told her that I was fine, and that she should read the letter. She then came inside and said "you already know my answer" and then I just clarified that it was a question. She took it as a demand and I replied with "no, just a statement." 


Not really sure how to read what she's thinking right now. It almost seems like she WANTS and to hurt. Like she enjoys watching me in pain through all of this. 

She asked if we were going through with the original plans (that I was going to take her to her favorite restaurant) to which I replied, "it doesn't matter" so then she had made plans to go over a friends and I took the kids out to have fun


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> No they were not ever equally celebrated, or atleast not that I can remember. No i haven't gotten the books yet, will do that this week.
> 
> She didn't know about the note before she asked me what was going on, to which I told her that I was fine, and that she should read the letter. She then came inside and said "you already know my answer" and then I just clarified that it was a question. She took it as a demand and I replied with "no, just a statement."
> 
> ...


In the past, how much attention did you give to her birthdays? And how much did she give to your birthdays.

You says that father's day has not been celebrated much in the past. But that mother's day has been. I read that as a indication of her overall level of selfishness.

I've seen women who do this. They want a lot of attention on their days, but seem to see the special days for their husband and father of their children to be not so important.

To be fair, there are men who do this too. My sex always wanted a big to do on his birthday and fathers day. He would start telling me a week in advance exactly what he wanted for his birthday. But when my birthday, mother's day and xmas came around he did nothing. When I stopped doing anything for his days, he finally woke up and got it.

I hope you make a bid deal out of father's days. Glad you took the kids out and had a good time. Get some ice cream and cake. When she comes home, ignore her and you and the kid have a great dessert father's day party. Maybe get some party noise makers too. Just have a great time.

it does sound like she has been enjoying sticking it to you. She seems to want your attention. Good on you for not giving it to her. Also expect her to act out now that you do not appear to be miserable. Be ready for it and don't engage her. Just smile... after all you are moving on just like she wants you to.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > No they were not ever equally celebrated, or atleast not that I can remember. No i haven't gotten the books yet, will do that this week.
> ...


On her her birthdays i always planned something, last year for her 30th I planned a huge party. Invited all of her friends and mine and we had a great time. Yes I would say overall she is a selfish person. Hasn't always been that way, she used to plan things for my birthday but stoppped. Says that i "never want to do anything" which is not true. I did gain a lot of weight, which hindered a lot. I didn't take care of myself like I should and i realize that. But I never NOT wanted to do anything. 

Can't help to think that her behavior right now is being fueled by other men to which she relies on them heavily for support. She denies it, but someone is in her ear telling her what life "could be" like which at the end of the day those are empty words, or at least I'd like to think if it that way.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

So she went over to her friends to get her hair done, before she left she sent her a picture of the note I wrote and made the comment "look at this ****" 

Also said "me talking to other guys isn't why we're where we're at" and "yea it's over. I told him he knew what my answer was" 


She seems to be very angry about this. Even her friends have made the comment that she's not doing the right thing by cheating. And when she said that her talking to other men isn't the reason why we're where we're at, her friend replied "or is it? I mean it's all in your hands he's just trying to feel like he's made that move"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Don't worry about her being mad. You told her that you are moving on if she does not stop her cheating. Your response is normal, healthy. 

Her reaction is ridiculous. Why should she be angry/upset because you told her that you are doing exactly what she said she wants.. you are moving on.. you just left a little open just a crack incase she wants to come back. Who knows when you will close the door completely.

She is going to get bad. People who cheat get angry when they are told they cannot cheat. Just goes with the territory. You just keep doing the 180.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yeah I understand that, but I'm thinking through the whole process yeah that may not be how we got to where we're at now, but it is why we're not working on our marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Yeah I understand that, but I'm thinking through the whole process yeah that may not be how we got to where we're at now, but it is why we're not working on our marriage.


Exactly. Your marriage cannot be fixed if she is carrying on with another man or men. You have to take a hard line on this.

Plus, you have to think very hard about whether or not you want to continue a marriage with a woman who cheats. This is not her first time. And she is just rubbing your face in it.

You said that you were reading Surviving an Affair. How far along are you in that book?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

About halfway. Haven't read in a few days, the children want to have "movie night with daddy" every night, said they want to do it for the rest of summer


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> About halfway. Haven't read in a few days, the children want to have "movie night with daddy" every night, said they want to do it for the rest of summer


Are you off school right now and not working?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yes, I originally planned on taking a summer class starting in July, however getting back into the workforce takes priority. 1 to feel better about myself 2 earn respect and 3 to save up for things to come.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

My whole thing is that this can be fixed. But the cheating has to stop. Completely. I feel like this stage will go away, and once she sees that I'm making positive changes for my owns sake and for ours (if I'm willing by the time that comes around) 

She said she's done but I don't believe that. She even said that she's having to force herself to feel this way 100% because she's afraid that things will "fall back" to what they are now. 

Back when things started (no contact, everything hit the fan, when she told me she was done) I just told her that right now is not the time to make a committed decision either way. She agreed. 

I feel an incredible amount of sadness (sorry I am weak at the moment) but I am diligently sticking to the 180 concept. Is there anything else I can do that could break this cycle?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> My whole thing is that this can be fixed. But the cheating has to stop. Completely. I feel like this stage will go away, and once she sees that I'm making positive changes for my owns sake and for ours (if I'm willing by the time that comes around)
> 
> She said she's done but I don't believe that. She even said that she's having to force herself to feel this way 100% because she's afraid that things will "fall back" to what they are now.
> 
> ...


You need to finish the book. There is too much in there for anyone to type out on this forum.

The book talks about Plan A. In Plan a you start working on yourself and you interact with her a way that is meant to start re-filling what Dr. Harley calls her "love bank". Basically the more you meet her needs, the more she will start softening towards you.

right now you need to stay on the 180.

Finish the book. You can read it even while your kids are watch TV and you are with them. 

Since you are still living with her, you will have to do a bit of a modified 180. That means that you do not discuss your feelings with her. But when you interact with her, you can do it in way that SaA says to do it.

But you need to read the book.

And after that book, the two other I suggested are very important as well so that you understand the concept.

I'm sort of surprised that a lot of others on here are not responding to you. It's probably because of this forum. If I were to move it to Coping With Infidelity, I think you would get a lot more responses. And almost all of them are not to tell you to forget reconciliation and just to right to divorce.

But you seem to want to really reconcile at this point. So I'm trying to support what you want to do. Can it work? Yep it certainly can. The Marriage Builder way of going about getting there works for a lot of people.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are you getting your degree in?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Of course I want it to work, we've invested 9 years of our lives and built something that's absolutely beautiful. Yeah we have our issues, as with any and every marriage. I made a vow that this was forever, so I'm willing to do whatever it takes! 

My degree is an arts degree, for animation.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I assume she is online with her phone but using the WIFI router to avoid high data charges from her cell carrier. Set up some rules on the router to block her phone when she is playing loud music in the garage gaming and avoiding her children. Don't share the router password. If she reconfigures the router reconfigure again and tell her to go buy her own router and data connection while she is carrying on affairs on affairs under the roof she shares with her husband and family. Record everything by the way. . She can put the phone in her name and pay the data charges out if her pocket. Just a thought. You do not need to sit idly by and put up with this nonsense. She can move out. See a lawyer ASAP. file a court order that she cannot remove the children from the family home.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> I assume she is online with her phone but using the WIFI router to avoid high data charges from her cell carrier. Set up some rules on the router to block her phone when she is playing loud music in the garage gaming and avoiding her children. Don't share the router password. If she reconfigures the router reconfigure again and tell her to go buy her own router and data connection while she is carrying on affairs on affairs under the roof she shares with her husband and family. Record everything by the way. . She can put the phone in her name and pay the data charges out if her pocket. Just a thought. You do not need to sit idly by and put up with this nonsense. She can move out. See a lawyer ASAP. file a court order that she cannot remove the children from the family home.


I mean I could do that with the router but I don't think it would do anything positive for the situation. The past 3 years she has been the bread winner. I've been in school, and right now I cannot afford a lawyer.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> My whole thing is that this can be fixed. But the cheating has to stop. Completely. I feel like this stage will go away, and once she sees that I'm making positive changes for my owns sake and for ours (if I'm willing by the time that comes around)
> 
> She said she's done but I don't believe that. She even said that she's having to force herself to feel this way 100% because she's afraid that things will "fall back" to what they are now.
> 
> ...


Seriously, why would you want her back after all this? She is disgusting, her treatment of you and her attitude is abhorrent. Just let her go.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > My whole thing is that this can be fixed. But the cheating has to stop. Completely. I feel like this stage will go away, and once she sees that I'm making positive changes for my owns sake and for ours (if I'm willing by the time that comes around)
> ...


Because I love her. Things weren't always like this. And because I believe marriage is forever and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Because the good times outweigh the bad. 

That's how I feel right now, don't know how much longer I can feel this way.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No matter what you can't work on anything until the affair ends.

Find out who it is and I'll bet he's married. Inform his wife without warning. 

This would be your first step. If you can't get this done nothing else matters much.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> No matter what you can't work on anything until the affair ends.
> 
> Find out who it is and I'll bet he's married. Inform his wife without warning.
> 
> This would be your first step. If you can't get this done nothing else matters much.


The problem is getting that information. She's using a messaging app called LINE for all communications, text, video, phone calls. She has recently changed all passwords to her accounts so even if I get into her phone and find the conversations I don't know if I can find full names, phone numbers, etc


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's a short read and you need it

"No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover - 7Chan ( 155 Pages )


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> The problem is getting that information. She's using a messaging app called LINE for all communications, text, video, phone calls. She has recently changed all passwords to her accounts so even if I get into her phone and find the conversations I don't know if I can find full names, phone numbers, etc


Go online and down load your phone bill for the last few months I'll bet you get a number. 

It's an easy place to start


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The 180 works if you apply it. Don't talk just do.

Words won't get you anything right now


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> The 180 works if you apply it. Don't talk just do.
> 
> Words won't get you anything right now


Our conversations for the past 2 days have been absolutely minimal, it's tough but yes 180 is helping me in the long run


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

has she come home from her friends? If so how did that go?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I mean I could do that with the router but I don't think it would do anything positive for the situation. The past 3 years she has been the bread winner. I've been in school, and right now I cannot afford a lawyer.


So she can make your life uncomfortable - actually miserable and you are worrying about 'positive? Dude, make her affair choice a miserable one. Under no terms can she walk all over you in front of your children in the marital home. They know whats going on, children always do. As far as lawyer hit everyone in your family for help. Explain whats up. If you end up with nothing from them file yourself. Use credit cards or legal aid. You really have no choice. You really don't have to let her walk all over you like a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Your children will respect you for it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> So she can make your life uncomfortable - actually miserable and you are worrying about 'positive? Dude, make her affair choice a miserable one. Under no terms can she walk all over you in front of your children in the marital home. They know whats going on, children always do. As far as lawyer hit everyone in your family for help. Explain whats up. If you end up with nothing from them file yourself. Use credit cards or legal aid. You really have no choice. You really don't have to let her walk all over you like a doormat. Stand up for yourself. Your children will respect you for it.


By 'positive', I think he means that he does not think he will get any useful info.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I mean I could do that with the router but I don't think it would do anything positive for the situation. The past 3 years she has been the bread winner. I've been in school, and right now I cannot afford a lawyer.


Since I don't know how much she makes, it's a bit hard to advise about a lawyer, but maybe this will help.

There are always lawyers who will give a half hour to one hour consultation for free. They do it to try to get you to sign on with them. You can ask them all kinds of info. Find out how they would handle a situation. It's often a good idea to get a free consultation with at least 2 or 3 lawyers and ask them about the same questions. They might very well give you very different replies.

Depending on her income and savings, you can have an attorney ask the court to order your wife to pay all of you legal fees since you have no income right now.

Her income is martial income. So legally it's 50% yours. So you have the right to retain an attorney and have them go after her for the fees.

You might be able to use legal aid. You'll have to see what the laws are locally for that.

You could research divorce and do it yourself. Or at least do some of it yourself. 

I know that there are books for sale on Amazon for each state that teach you about the divorce laws in your state and how to file. Plus every state has a court system self help site that instructs you on how to do this...

If you tell me your state, I'll be glad to look it up for your state.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

I'm in Texas


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why are you allowing her to be comfortable in your discomfort?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here are some links for learning about divorce in Texas and how to represent yourself (pro se)


Texas Free Legal Forms, Law, Pro Bono Help Finder, and Resources

Do It Yourself Divorce

https://www.sll.texas.gov/self-help/commonly-requested-legal-forms/

Pro Se Divorce Handbook: Representing Yourself in Family Court
Pro Se Resources - Divorce - Guides at Texas State Law Library

TJB | Rules & Forms | Forms


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Why are you allowing her to be comfortable in your discomfort?


So, any ideas on how to make her uncomfortable? 

Apparently exposure will not work since everyone already knows.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Awwww, you don't kiss the princess' ass to her liking because life gets in the way, so she goes out and starts interviewing replacement candidates. Tell her to go to hell, and not come back. Tell her that you will be finding a GOOD WOMAN who does not use the threat of infidelity to control you. Tell her that the sight of her makes your **** droop.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> So, any ideas on how to make her uncomfortable?
> 
> Apparently exposure will not work since everyone already knows.


Lock her out of the wifi.

Hard 180.

Stop anything that may help her. If it isn't for him or the kids, it stops.

He needs to file, but I don't think he is there yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I mean I could do that with the router but I don't think it would do anything positive for the situation. The past 3 years she has been the bread winner. I've been in school, and right now I cannot afford a lawyer.


If you're married, her money is your money. Use some of it to hire a lawyer. His/her expenses will be accounted for when you divide up assets.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you really want to stay married or do you just want to try to kiss her ass so she chooses you? 

Because if you want the FIRST thing, and you're coming here for advice, we are GIVING it to you. And our advice is all the same: show STRENGTH to get her back. Be willing to LOSE her to make her want to stay.

You cannot kiss a cheating woman's ass enough to make her give up the other men. Women are biologically driven to WANT strong men. She's picking all these other men BECAUSE they are acting strong - they're stealing a married man. You're acting like a freakin' doormat. 

Tell me why she would give them up and all they make her feel, to hang around with an unemployed, overweight, ineffectual man who's too afraid to fight for her?

I'm waiting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> Lock her out of the wifi.
> 
> Hard 180.
> 
> ...


YTC, what are things that you do on a daily basis that help her out... since you are not working or in classes right now, do you cook? do the laundry? or anything else. Give us a list of those things.

Oh, and what did you do today to job hunt?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yes I want to stay married. I believe that we can be stronger if we work through this. Yes right now I'm weak, I'm a emotional wreck because my whole world has been flipped upside down. 

As far as job hunting goes I've been networking with old friends, updated my resume, and applied for jobs online. 

Since I haven't been working, I do 

Cooking 
Cleaning
Take care of the kids


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

With the job hunting. Are you aware of Applicant Tacking Systems that are used by employers when you post your resume in their system?

You need to stop doing household things that are directly related to her. 

For example, stop doing her laundry. Just let it pile up. She can do that.

Since the two of you are sleeping in different rooms, make sure you do not clean the room she is sleeping in. If she has sole use of a bathroom, do not clean it.

Cooking is a hard one. Do not do any cooking that is for her only. When you cook, cook for you and the kids. Sit down to eat with only you and he kids. She can eat left overs.

This is starting to show her what divorced life will be like.

Do you have anywhere that you can stay once in a while, like at your parent's house, or a friend's house? 

If you do get divorced, you each will end up having the kids on your own. So there will be days where she has the kids 100% on her own. And she will have to cook and clean on her own. 

So go do social things on your own some and leave her alone with the kids. She is not going to be able to hang out in the garage with music blaring talking to men if she home alone with the kids.

Don't tell her in advance that you are going out. That would give her a chance to plan things. Just leave and tell her don't tell her when you will be back.

I'm not suggesting that you abandon your kids, only that you start putting some burden on her... like it will be once she has this divorce that she says she wants.

If she does want a divorce, has she said why she had not filed yet?

Oh and have you joined a gym yet or started to work out? This is very important for your emotional and mental health... as well as your physical health.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

I have not joined a gym no, but I do plan on it. I have started a diet, and so far have lost about 20 lbs. She just left for Utah for an annual business trip this morning and won't be back until thursday, so that will help a little.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long has will she be gone? 

Have you ever searched every nock and cranny of her office and her personal stuff in her room?

This would be a great time to do it.

When my ex was cheating, this is how I found a ton of info about his affairs. I even searched the trash and found letter from an OW. And I searched his car and found stuff. One time, when he was out of town, I drove to the airport parking, found his car and searched it. Found letters and other stuff about who he was meeting on his trip and their plans. I also searched even the spare tire well and compartment for tools... searched everywhere. He thought he was hiding stuff from me and that his car was a safe place to keep stuff. Not very smart of him.... >

Also, you did not answer this: With the job hunting. Are you aware of Applicant Tacking Systems that are used by employers when you post your resume in their system?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

You can find out who she is having the affair with, even if it's on a messaging service like the one you mentioned. I caught my wife using one. There is no easy hack or tool. You're gonna have to get really creative, very patient and probably manipulative. However, if her friends don't approve of her affair, one of them might just tell you. But I wouldn't ask them unless you can tell they're dying to spill the beans. And if you do find out, expose the Other man/men without warning and to as many people that are connected to him (Work, wife, girlfriend, anyone). If you don't have to let her know that you figured it out before hand don't tell her, keep your cool, know you're info and execute. 


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

Oh wait. One more thing… Do not apologize to her when it makes her angry that you did that to him. She wants to protect him. Offer them no such courtesy. 


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long has will she be gone?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Like EleGirl said, "This would be a great time to do it."

If you could figure out how to expose her affair partner while she is away, she will more than likely realize that she has lost all control and to top it off has very little recourse for damage control, being isolated out of town.

I would do everything I could to figure it out when she is out of town, strike without warning and then let her figure it out when the OM either suddenly stops contact or is messaging her in his own new found panic. Dr. James Dobson calls this "Creating a crisis". Look into his book "Love must be tough", but start figuring out who this guy is first. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you afford a PI while she is out of town? Might be a good idea if you could afford it because it's very likely that she would have someone meet her there.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You do have access to the joint bank account where her paycheck goes, right? Right?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Yes we have a joint checking/savings however with her company they use a payroll service called payquicker which she was the only card for that account.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So how much of her paycheck is going into the joint account? How much do YOU have access to?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Really nothing aside from covering the car payment every month and maybe some extra to have money in the account


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Who goes grocery shopping?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know how much she gets paid?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Normally we both go once a week, sometimes every 2 weeks. Yes, I know how much she makes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Good bet it's a coworker


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Really nothing aside from covering the car payment every month and maybe some extra to have money in the account


Wait a minute.

Are you saying that you wife controls all the family's money?! :surprise:

No wonder she isn't in to you.

Are you aware that women REQUIRE strong men? Mentally strong? A very few women would stay interested in a man who lets her control all the money. It's basic psychology.

Have you read No More Mr Nice Guy yet? Stop reading anything else and read that TODAY. You are so screwed.

In the meantime, tell her tonight when she comes home that you want to be given access to the bank account that holds 95% of y'all's money. Tell her the two of you can go to the bank tomorrow and set it up. See what happens.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@YESTHATSCORRECT

You were working before you started back working on your degree, right?

At that point, where did your income go? Did it go into a joint account? Did it go into a joint account? Or did you have your own account in your name only? 

Was she working at that time? Did she had her own account at that time? Or did her money go into a joint account?

She agreed with you going back to school, right? Clear clarify that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, if you search all of her stuff and find any incriminating evidence DO NOT CONFRONT HER. Come here first and tell us what you found. Let us help you develop a plan of action.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> YESTHATSCORRECT said:
> 
> 
> > Really nothing aside from covering the car payment every month and maybe some extra to have money in the account
> ...



Umm thanks I guess? Things weren't always like this. She started working in a MLM company and once that took off I went back to school. That's why our financial situation is the way it is.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @YESTHATSCORRECT
> 
> You were working before you started back working on your degree, right?
> 
> ...


All money went into a joint account and yes we discussed and agreed before I went to school.


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> By the way, if you search all of her stuff and find any incriminating evidence DO NOT CONFRONT HER. Come here first and tell us what you found. Let us help you develop a plan of action.




^^ what she said. Your wife will be out of town. You've got time to process, step back and get advice. Have clarity. Be careful who you tell in your offline relationships. It could be a close friend of yours that she is involved with and he may be feeding info back to her already. This happened to me. I have documented messages mocking me because of my concern for her during the first few days of her leaving. I figured them out because of spikes in cell data usage during times I knew he was away from his wife due to his complicated work schedule. Even though they knew my skill set as a programmer and in data analysis, the were so far into the affair that they let their guard down and opened a window I used to end their affair. Keep your eyes open for the evidence trails they leave because of their impulsiveness, due to their infatuation of the affair. It's there. 

Come here. Detail what you have and process, since time will be on your side. Do not say anything to her. Act normal and like everything is OK. For example: when I discovered my wife's affair and with one of my best friends, it was on his birthday. I made damn sure I sent him, his wife and my wife a group message on Facebook wishing him a happy birthday. Just like I would have the year before, like everything was dandy. At this point I already knew what was going on and developed a plan of action to bring it to a halt. I gave no warning signs and then I exposed him on his birthday only a few hours later to his wife. 

You've got to be Super Cool.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Umm thanks I guess? Things weren't always like this. She started working in a MLM company and once that took off I went back to school. That's why our financial situation is the way it is.


That has NOTHING to do with who controls the money. How long has she controlled it? You seem to be saying that as soon as she started this job, she no longer gave you access to the money? How did that happen? What was the discussion like? Did you call her out on it? Did you ask for an allowance? Or did she decide to GIVE you an allowance?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> All money went into a joint account and yes we discussed and agreed before I went to school.


So when you were working, all of your money went into a joint account. Was she working at that time?

When you were working, who paid all the bills? Did she actually do the bill paying and control the money? Did you? Or were you both involved in this?

When she started working all of her money stayed in the payroll account that you have no access to.

Are you aware that keeping money away from a spouse like she is doing is considered a form of serious domestic abuse? It is not cool at all for her to be doing this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your wife use a computer for her work? It sounds like she is doing online marketing, so I'm thinking that she does.

Is that computer in your home while she is away?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

JBTX said:


> ^^ what she said. Your wife will be out of town. You've got time to process, step back and get advice. Have clarity. Be careful who you tell in your offline relationships. It could be a close friend of yours that she is involved with and he may be feeding info back to her already. This happened to me. I have documented messages mocking me because of my concern for her during the first few days of her leaving. I figured them out because of spikes in cell data usage during times I knew he was away from his wife due to his complicated work schedule. Even though they knew my skill set as a programmer and in data analysis, the were so far into the affair that they let their guard down and opened a window I used to end their affair. Keep your eyes open for the evidence trails they leave because of their impulsiveness, due to their infatuation of the affair. It's there.
> 
> Come here. Detail what you have and process, since time will be on your side. Do not say anything to her. Act normal and like everything is OK. For example: when I discovered my wife's affair and with one of my best friends, it was on his birthday. I made damn sure I sent him, his wife and my wife a group message on Facebook wishing him a happy birthday. Just like I would have the year before, like everything was dandy. At this point I already knew what was going on and developed a plan of action to bring it to a halt. I gave no warning signs and then I exposed him on his birthday only a few hours later to his wife.
> 
> You've got to be Super Cool.




There's really not much for me to find. I've dug through the phone records and there's only a few conversations with one of the guys she talks too. Everything else I know for fact is through a messaging app 


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife use a computer for her work? It sounds like she is doing online marketing, so I'm thinking that she does.
> 
> 
> 
> Is that computer in your home while she is away?




Yes and when I was working it was about 60/40 me. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Yes and when I was working it was about 60/40 me.


Are you saying that you earned 40% of your joint income when you were working?


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## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> There's really not much for me to find. I've dug through the phone records and there's only a few conversations with one of the guys she talks too. Everything else I know for fact is through a messaging app
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Look beyond digital. 


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Are you saying that you earned 40% of your joint income when you were working?




No, opposite of that. Sorry I can see where that was confusing. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> There's really not much for me to find. I've dug through the phone records and there's only a few conversations with one of the guys she talks too. Everything else I know for fact is through a messaging app


Do you know if she talks to this guy often? Have you tried to find out who he is and if he is married?

Does she use this app over the wifi?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Do you know if she talks to this guy often? Have you tried to find out who he is and if he is married?
> 
> 
> 
> Does she use this app over the wifi?




You can use the app over either wifi or LTE. 

Yes i know she did everything for multiple hours at a time. No he's not married, he's a 20 yr old guy that lives about 4 hours away 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You didn't answer my questions about how this financial system came to pass.

And find this kid's parents' number and give them a call before she comes home.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> That has NOTHING to do with who controls the money. How long has she controlled it? You seem to be saying that as soon as she started this job, she no longer gave you access to the money? How did that happen? What was the discussion like? Did you call her out on it? Did you ask for an allowance? Or did she decide to GIVE you an allowance?



She never gave me allowance.....nor did I ask for one. When she started with the MLM company their payroll system has a separate bank account that they direct deposit royalties and commissions into each month. She never stopped me from accessing that money, and I don't see her stopping it now necessarily however she has 1 card. No I never called her out on it because it wasn't a big deal to me. We never had to worry about finances throughout our marriage. Ever. We were both able to provide for our family, and once she started making good money with the MLM company that's when we discussed me going back to school, which we both agreed it would be a good time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great! Then you can start siphoning off 50% of the income into a separate account. And when she asks you about it, you just say "I'm looking into long-term financial planning, so I'm taking 50% of our (OUR) income into a second account so that I can start looking into it."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your wife is gone for the week. Do you even had access to any money if you need it?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Your wife is gone for the week. Do you even had access to any money if you need it?




No, I don't. After looking around the office and around our room, the garage, nothing as far as evidence goes. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> No, I don't.


You realize this is EXTREMELY abnormal, right? Why have you never questioned this? Were you brought up to be a doormat-type person? Never question? Do whatever you're told? Not make waves?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> You realize this is EXTREMELY abnormal, right? Why have you never questioned this? Were you brought up to be a doormat-type person? Never question? Do whatever you're told? Not make waves?




No, I was not raised to be a doormat. This was just something that came to be our routine. 


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's great! 

Then you can stop it.

What day is she returning?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

turnera said:


> That's great!
> 
> Then you can stop it.
> 
> What day is she returning?




Thursday 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you getting any bites on your job hunting?

What kind of jobs are you looking for?


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Are you getting any bites on your job hunting?
> 
> 
> 
> What kind of jobs are you looking for?




Yes! I have had 3 interviews already. I would like to get into the finance industry however my resume is stacked with over 6 years of management experience in retail and the restaurant industry. I'm hoping to use my management experience to land something with more room for growth. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds great! Good luck on the interviews.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Just wanted to give everyone an update: 

So far I have lost 28 lbs since this started. Starting to feel better. Still no job, yet I have interviews coming up and I'm still applying everyday. I wake up around 7, start applying until 3-4 pm then take the kids out to do something fun. 

The garage sessions have not stopped. Her friend still comes over at least 4 times a week, and I've even overheard conversations about meeting up with other guys going on "fun trips" and what not. 

I've come to grips that reconciliation is completely out of the picture as I'm starting to become very apathetic towards her. 

She has not stepped in to be a mother. At. All. She had made plans with our daughter to get their nails done this past Saturday but cancelled. She had her friend over the night before and stayed up until 6:30 am then slept most of the day. She then told our daughter that she wanted to "spread the fun out" and that she'd take her out another time. So instead of spending time with her daughter, she stayed in the garage with her friend instead. This KILLS me. 

She also goes out to "get lunch" for 3/4 hours at a time. The kids keep asking me "where's mommy? I'm hungry" which also hurts. Of course I make sure that they're taken care of while I'm here, but what's going to happen to them when I leave? 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi, glad you came back. I was wondering how you are doing. 

Sadly, she is going to do what she is going to do. Just keep a record of it.

Don't leave for now. She has no legal grounds to kick you out. Stay for your children. 

You really do need to talk to a lawyer to find out how you protect your relationship with your children. You also need to tell the lawyer what she's doing so that if there is any change for you to use that to get more custody, you can. I think I mentioned earlier that you can find lawyers who will give you half hour to one hour free consultations in hopes that you will hire them. Doing that you just might find a lawyer who is able to do a lot of good for you. And in the very least you will get info from a few of them about what you need to do.

What are the temperatures right now where you live? Here's been between 95F and 110F. I would think that it's pretty warm everywhere right now. Hanging out the in garage could be pretty uncomfortable.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Hi, glad you came back. I was wondering how you are doing.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My mother knows of an attorney and plans to discuss what rights I have and what I can do this Thursday. Hopefully we can get some type of foundation. Not sure if or how I can prove of the affairs but it's worth a shot. 


Worse part? 

Her parents know everything that's going on, and won't do anything about it. I'm sure at this point she would just give me the kids so she can do whatever and whoever, but her mother is full of pride and concerned with "bad images" so they'll pour a bunch of money into a custody battle just so she'll have full custody. 

Wife agreed to joint custody. I cannot support them financially right now, but I am very concerned on how they'll be treated and what they'll be subject to when I'm gone. I plan to hopefully be out within 2 months. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> My mother knows of an attorney and plans to discuss what rights I have and what I can do this Thursday. Hopefully we can get some type of foundation. Not sure if or how I can prove of the affairs but it's worth a shot.
> 
> 
> Worse part?
> ...


Legally you can stay in the home until the divorce is final and it states who moves out. Do not move out until you have a custody and time sharing agreement. If you move out without that, you will most likely get less than 50%.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

You getting full custody is always a long shot. Forget about that.

You need to file for divorce ASAP with a stipulation that you get spousal maintenance while divorce is pending. The maintenance is for running the household and taking care of the kids and school money for you. It is the simple continuation of the status quo as the divorce gets settled. Women have been getting that for years, you will also. I know you don't want to hear that but the fact is based on your own posts here your wife is having an affair, it has gone physical, she is not going to stop, she just does not care. She wants to be single again and sleep around while you mow the lawn, do the laundry, cook and wipe your children's face clean and put them to bed. End this pain for yourself and your family now. You have tried to nice her back and that has failed. That usually happens. I am truly sorry this is happening to you. 

While she is being served at work do this. Move all her crap into the garage.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop cooking for her and doing her laundry. She can do her own. Complete 180. Hit the gym at school. As part of divorce demand state that she must take care of children set number of hours a week including evenings. Put a schedule in writing. Babysitting daddy is over. Then you can disappear for 4 hour lunches and dinners go exercise, hit the gym etc. Maybe even go on a date with younger hotter version of your wife.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hock everything you own to afford a lawyer. The ONLY thing you care about right now is custody. Got it?

And get a spiral notebook and write out a complete history of every single day since this started. It may or may not help the judge decide. But it can't hurt.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Stop cooking for her and doing her laundry. She can do her own. Complete 180. Hit the gym at school. As part of divorce demand state that she must take care of children set number of hours a week including evenings. Put a schedule in writing. Babysitting daddy is over. Then you can disappear for 4 hour lunches and dinners go exercise, hit the gym etc. Maybe even go on a date with younger hotter version of your wife.


Good God


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Stop cooking for her and doing her laundry. She can do her own. Complete 180. Hit the gym at school. As part of divorce demand state that she must take care of children set number of hours a week including evenings. Put a schedule in writing. Babysitting daddy is over. Then you can disappear for 4 hour lunches and dinners go exercise, hit the gym etc. Maybe even go on a date with younger hotter version of your wife.




I'm sure you mean well, but dating is nowhere on my radar. That wouldn't make me any better than what she's doing right now. Right now I'm pretty much avoiding her. If we talk, it's very short. Minimal interaction. Just going to keep taking care of my health, keep applying for jobs, and keep spending as much time with my children as I can. In the mean time I don't do anything for her. Anything. If she so much as leaves a fork in the Sink. I won't touch it. 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Just wanted to give everyone an update:
> 
> So far I have lost 28 lbs since this started. Starting to feel better. Still no job, yet I have interviews coming up and I'm still applying everyday. I wake up around 7, start applying until 3-4 pm then take the kids out to do something fun.
> 
> ...


MAKE SURE that you document all of this -- what YOU do for the kids (everything....) and what she does and DOES NOT do. I've seen many on here that have done this and it becomes KEY in getting custody arrangements to work in your favor. Keep any/all communications with her in a safe place (copies that are NOT kept in the home for her to find and destroy). Start having all of your communications with her be text-based, and only about the kids (do the 180).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> I'm sure you mean well, but dating is nowhere on my radar. That wouldn't make me any better than what she's doing right now. Right now I'm pretty much avoiding her. If we talk, it's very short. Minimal interaction. Just going to keep taking care of my health, keep applying for jobs, and keep spending as much time with my children as I can. In the mean time I don't do anything for her. Anything. *If she so much as leaves a fork in the Sink. I won't touch it.*


If she is in the habit of leaving things around that need picking you, and you really do need whatever it is out of the way, there is a way to handle it. Get something like a laundry basket or a cardboard box and just pile it up in the basket/box. That might even mean half eaten things and then throw clothing and other stuff in with it.

When I did this, I got to the point that if he did not put his stuff away, when the box filled up, it all went in the trash. Now that got his attention. (secretly I separated out things of value and kept them where I could not find them.)


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

OP, I don't know where you're at in Texas, but if you apply at any member of the A&M System, like one of the branch campuses or TEEX, etc., I may be able to give you an assist although I don't know about specific openings. PM me if you're interested.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

GTdad said:


> OP, I don't know where you're at in Texas, but if you apply at any member of the A&M System, like one of the branch campuses or TEEX, etc., I may be able to give you an assist although I don't know about specific openings. PM me if you're interested.




I'm in the Dallas area 


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Sent you a PM just now.


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## YESTHATSCORRECT (Jun 16, 2017)

Just wanted to give everyone an update. Things are still the same, still haven't found a job yet. Still losing a crazy amount of weight, over 60lbs in a month and I'm starting for feel much better. I have been gathering evidence of her EA and now PA. I have over 250 screenshots of conversations and pictures of her and other men at hotels. To me, undeniable evidence that she is/was unfaithful. 


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

YESTHATSCORRECT said:


> Sorry for the late response, yesterday was the first time I got some decent sleep. I understand it's done, I understand that I'm probably hurting myself more by holding on. Apparently she's been done with our marriage for some time now, and I just haven't had time to fully accept this. I know that deep down I deserve better. As far as the house goes I do not have the financial means to be able to afford the household bills completely by myself as the past 2 years I have been back to school trying to finish a degree. The thought of starting all over just scares me to death. I've been focusing on myself, to lose weight (lost 15 lbs so far) to get a job and just focus on the children for the time being but I'm walking through the deepest circles of Hell. What point does it just click in your heart that it's over? I know she's doing me wrong but right now I can't help but to feel guilt that I've created this void. Through it all I'm scared, spending 9 years with her just makes me question how I can love my life without her. I may be grieving the memories of good times, I guess only time can heal this wound.


So let me get this right

1. She works, supports the family, takes care of everything, you study and do not have a job?

If I am correct, this is a huge burden to place her under, why did you not meet her emotional and physical needs? She probably did keep telling you but you didn't hear her complaints? 

I do not condone what she is doing, I think you should do the 180 on her, go see a lawyer and see what next steps to take. You must definitely contributed to the break down of the marriage so need to work on yourself, go for counselling (suggest she does too). Talk to your family and friend and reach out to them for support.
You could also do an in-house separation until your finances are better.


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