# I think he's cheating. What should I do?



## worriedgirl789 (May 21, 2014)

I have been lurking on these forums for a while now, and decided to make my first post about an issue I'm having. I hope someone can help. It's really long so beware!

I've been with my fiance for 4 years now. We are supposed to get married this winter.

Before we met, my fiance was involved with some very bad people. He won't tell me much about the experiences, but I know he was working as some sort of private investigator and yes, I've seen evidence of that. He left that lifestyle when we met and there hasn't been any problems with it since. More on that later.

Recently he's been acting very suspicious. Password on the phone and freaks out if I look at it. Locks himself in the bathroom with the computer and won't let me in.

Then I found dating profiles downloaded on the computer we both share. One was a very attractive women in her mid 20s named Amber Smith. I confronted him immediately. He claimed he was helping a friend who had an online dating profile "vet" women, and Amber was one of them. Because of his past work as a PI I believed him. He also reminded me that he is really good with computers and hiding stuff so if he was cheating, why would he leave it where I could find it so easily? That also made sense to me.

But his suspicious activities continued.

He always has three passwords on everything and always uses private browsing on his computer. He also has numerous Google Voice and Skype phone numbers. I got very suspicious and snooped one night.

He left his computer open (very rare!) and I took a look. I was able to get into one of his Google Voice accounts and there was a voicemail from a woman that said something like 

"hey you, haven't heard from you in a while. Call me back soon. I mis you."

It sounded very flirty. I confronted him about it, and after getting screamed at for snooping he said the voicemail was from before we met and it was his ex girlfriend. Of course, her name just happened to be Amber and she was in the same area code as the woman in the dating profile. A big coincidence, he said.

I never saw the date on the voicemail. He deleted it quickly anyway so I can't double check, but he convinced me it was from right before we met and I was crazy.

Then later I was able to get access to his work phone and found an email. It was to Amber about how he "desperately" wanted to be with her but couldn't.  I asked him about it, and he grabbed the phone and then showed me the date on the email: 2007 - again before we met. He said he kept it because she broke his heart and he wanted to remember to never make the same mistakes again. Again, I believed him because I saw the date myself.

Of course it happened again. I went onto another Google Voice number he uses for work. I am currently unemployed and helping him with his business so I was on there for legitimate reasons - not snooping this time. But I scanned the page and didn't have to look far - there were the texts from Amber again. I recognized the number and now have it memorized. And I made sure to check the date this time. 2013 and early 2014. 

He says he has no idea how she got the number and he thinks it might be the "bad people" he was involved with before we met pretending to be her. Believe it or not, there are ways to make a call look like it is coming from one number when it is really coming from another. I've seen it done. But of course, I have serious doubts about what he is saying - I'm not stupid.

There were responses to the texts that didn't make sense or sound like my fiance at all. Just using phrases he doesn't use, antiquated words, different typing style The responses also had a business like attitude and weren't flirty. My fiance claims it was his father who responded, thinking Amber was someone else. His father verified that he sent the responses. But of course, how do I know that his father wasn't trained on what to say?

He said he would give me all the info on Amber. When they dated, her last name, etc. I asked him about it for several days, and he says that I need to "calm down" and then he will tell me. So I dropped it for a full week and then asked again. He still won't tell me about her. 

Anytime I bring it up, I'm accused of acting crazy, being too jealous, or being evil and purposely making his life stressful. 

Finally I found a reverse phone look up service that gave me her last name. Guess what it was? Smith. From the dating profile I mentioned above. I asked if her last name was Smith and he said no. I didn't tell him I looked it up. I said I got the name from the dating profile, so he says no it was "something hispanic" not Smith and that I need to drop the dating profile and again that I'm crazy. 

Sorry for that long winded post. Here's the real question: I want to know if I should call the number today, or if you all would call it. 

He is out and would never know I called. If it really is the "bad people" he was involved with before, it could be dangerous. But to me it seems less and less likely and more likely that he's simply cheating.

What do you all think I should do? I need to make up my mind and do it in the next couple of hours before he comes home. If he is cheating, even just an emotional affair, I'm going to pack up my bags and move back in with my parents. I just need to know for sure in case (I know unlikely) that he's telling the truth.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You are not married to him. 

Save yourself some heartache. If he had nothing to hide, why so many passwords and if I have nothing to hide, I would show you everything. Why be upset about you looking if there is nothing to find.

For your own peace, you may want to call the number from a pay phone. 

Go back to your parents and put this relationship on hold. If you marry him and have children, this is not a good way to raise kids.

Start the 180.

Tell your parents and ask for their help.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

not married yet? good. Getting married is NOT going to make this go away. Figure it all out now, not after. Maybe it is innocent. Maybe he is a cia spy or something. But if you are going to marry him, things should be a little more open and trusting.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'd just tell you to walk. Not for his cheating, but for his lack of openness and honesty with you, as well as the inability to communicate rationally. This WILL BE your married life...


C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Read your entire post back to yourself.

Does it seem like this is a lot of strange behavior for someone who is supposedly in love with his fiance to be exhibiting?

Of course it does, because it is.

If he's not being completely honest and transparent while engaged, I can completely 100% assure you that it will only get worse once your are married.

You should not marry this man. Cancel the engagement. Stay with him if you like, but only on the condition that you will work all of this stuff out before you'll even consider an engagement again.

Reading your post I kept thinking, "what is wrong with this girl? How can she have any question that marrying this man is a terrible idea?" But of course, when we're in these positions, it's hard to be realistic about them.

Wake up. Walk out.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'd just tell you to walk. Not for his cheating, but for his lack of openness and honesty with you, as well as the inability to communicate rationally. This WILL BE your married life...
> 
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This x 100

Lack of openness and especially his reactions to your concerns seem VERY shady.

There is NO privacy when it comes to marriage (ok fine, very little). One should have nothing to hide, if they do, be suspect!!!

Clearly your gut is telling you something, you acted on it and your SO made you feel WORSE rather than put you at ease, be open and work on it.

Do not proceed!!!


----------



## Pattiroxxi (May 3, 2014)

Only a fool would get married to someone like this, dump him.


----------



## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

OP,

RUN.

Don't walk.

RUN.

It's blatantly clear this guy doesn't respect you at all and had issues being open with you.

Don't marry this guy, you'd be signing up for years of heartache.

Find someone who loves and respect you.


----------



## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

He is way too secretive, controlling, manipulative and probably cheating. That is who he is.

And YOU are way too accepting, gullible, and easily manipulated.

Get away from this guy. Count your blessings that you didn't waste any more time with him.

And then get to a counselor that will help you discover your weaknesses (letting someone lie and deceive and accepting way too much crap). And then after you have that figured out.... find a guy that is not a lying cheat.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

If he's no longer a Private Investigator, then why all the secrecy?

Whether or not he's cheating , get rid of him.

He's acting way too paranoid.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is lying to you. You are not married to him.

The bit about him being this way because he used to be PI is nonsense. There is no reason for him to be hiding things from you even if he used to be a PI.


----------



## worriedgirl789 (May 21, 2014)

I already told him the wedding is on hold and so is sex until I know who she is. I don't like using sex as a weapon, but I also don't want to be intimate with someone who might be cheating.

So what do you all think? Should I call this woman? I promised him I wouldn't, but he promised to give me the details on her and hasn't. It has been weeks. I have waited patiently, yet I am called crazy for bringing it up too much. 

I really doubt he will ever tell me the truth, and even if we break up I still want to know. I know I shouldn't care, but I do.

Wouldn't you all be pretty insistent about knowing why someone of the opposite sex keeps popping up on your partner's phone/email?

Now you are probably wondering why I'm still with him since we aren't married yet. Even if we aren't married, I still feel married. This man is my whole life. It's hard to leave.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

One action you can do today is get yourself to a clinic and get full STDs swabs and an HIV test done. If he is playing around, you want to make sure your health is protected.

Miss Metta


----------



## worriedgirl789 (May 21, 2014)

Miss Metta said:


> One action you can do today is get yourself to a clinic and get full STDs swabs and an HIV test done. If he is playing around, you want to make sure your health is protected.
> 
> Miss Metta


There is no way he has cheated physically. We work side by side and live together. Today was the first day in months that we weren't joined at the hip. 

It felt odd not to have him 10 feet away at all times, that's how much time we spend together. He doesn't even run errands without me coming along.

Unless he sneaks out while I'm asleep (doubtful I wake up when he moves in bed, I'm a REALLY light sleeper. It's actually so much a problem that I have considered setting up a bed in the spare room) then there is no way he could physically cheat.

But he definitely can emotionally cheat, and that's what I think it is.


----------



## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

worriedgirl789 said:


> I already told him the wedding is on hold and so is sex until I know who she is. I don't like using sex as a weapon, but I also don't want to be intimate with someone who might be cheating.
> 
> So what do you all think? Should I call this woman? I promised him I wouldn't, but he promised to give me the details on her and hasn't. It has been weeks. I have waited patiently, yet I am called crazy for bringing it up too much.
> 
> ...


I would want to know the details (found out most on my own from FB raids since my ex thought I couldn't handle the truth  ) but chances are likely that you will never know the entire truth.

All of the signs are in front of you that your guy is up to no good and it's up to you to accept them as truth or keep your head in the sand. 

No man should ever be your world. He probably knows he's the center of your universe and that's why he keeps disrespecting you so much, and sadly you allow it.

Don't you think you're worth more than that?

If you had a daughter going through this, what would you tell her? 

Start thinking with your brain, not your heart. 

In time, hopefully your brain will rule the decision you ultimately decide to make and seek better for yourself.


----------



## Miss Metta (Jan 27, 2013)

Well, that's good in that regard. Just wanted to make sure. 



worriedgirl789 said:


> There is no way he has cheated physically. We work side by side and live together. Today was the first day in months that we weren't joined at the hip.
> 
> It felt odd not to have him 10 feet away at all times, that's how much time we spend together. He doesn't even run errands without me coming along.
> 
> ...


----------



## helena4u (Nov 7, 2013)

Hi. Trust a woman's instinct... in the first place all these suspicions has a basis. There can't be no smoke if there is no fire. So i suggest you talk this out with him, that this Amber thing is making you jealous and feel insecured. If he doesn't care at all then better call it off before it's too late.


----------



## worriedgirl789 (May 21, 2014)

Well, I called the number today and it just rang and rang. I had called it once before using a service called SlyDial which just takes you directly to the person's voicemail. Before I got a voicemail with her saying "Amber Smith" when it prompted for her name. 

Now I get "this number has been disconnected." I'm not sure if this means that the number has really been disconnected or if she is blocking all calls from unfamiliar numbers.

So I guess I will never know the truth because either way I can't get in touch with her and he will just continue saying he has no idea why that person was calling.


----------

