# Fiance watching porn instead of sex w/ me...



## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

I posted in the addictions focused section, but maybe that wasn't the correct area. My fiance claims to be "too tired" for sex due to the physical nature of his work and the other things he's doing around our house/yard/etc. But then I find he's looking at porn and masturbating. I don't understand how he isn't too tired for that - but is too tired to have sex with me. He deserves to "get off" but I don't? I'm thin, trim, pretty girl. I feel very unwanted, unsexy and unloved. I never cared before that he looked at porn, but that was when we were ALSO having a hot sex life. Now we're barely doing it a few times a month. Advice?


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## singlelanetraffic (Mar 1, 2011)

Although I can not understand the draw of porn, as it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable, it seems likely that your fiancee may be addicted to porn. You probably already knew that. He is going to need to find it in himself to change. If you speak your mind as to why it hurts you and he doesn't change his behaviour you may have to try counselling - for his addiction for sure. Though he will have to want to change for you and himself. IMHO, I'd lay it out on the line for him and ask him to quit the porn and focus on you. Frankly there are likely a dozen other guys who would jump at the chance to be with an attractive woman. If he won't change to improve things now, imagine how things may be in the future if you are married with kids, etc. Again, just my humble opinion.


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## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

And I appreciate your opinion! I know all men masturbate! I just don't want it to replace our sex life. I need to sit him down to discuss this, but I just know he will get defensive if I don't approach just so. I never minded the porn if it didn't take away from us having sex.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I enjoy my fair share of porn. But it never stops me from jumping the wife! Somehow ur hubby has allowed "fantasy" to take th place of "reality! Is iy extreme stuf he's beating his meat over? Perhaps hes doing it to things he wants to do with u, but cant.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Gotta talk about it with him and get those lines of communication going, or have you already? Sounds like he may have an addiction but he is def being lazy by satisfying his own needs and not yours too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

BTW, how did u find that he is viewing porn? Is he hiding it or open about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AJ916 (Mar 28, 2011)

He's always been open about watching it, and that he enjoys it. He's not as open about HOW MUCH he watches. When things really dwindled between us I went into his internet history and saw just how much/many websites he visits each day. It was kind of shocking.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

I replied where you have it in the addiction section of the forum.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

My view: Porn / masturbation is OK when you are not "getting" enough sex, but it's not ok when you are not "giving" enough sex.
A sexless marriage is a very unfulfilling life to lead. IF you work and try really really hard, it may bet "slightly" better. I would hihgly recommend that you don't marry him. This will be a serious problem that haunts your marraige for the rest of your life.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Porn is very addictive and damaging to sex lives. I think you need to tell him clearly what you need from him. It is Ok for you to ask him not to watch porn. He may call you a prude or try and turn things around on you, however do not fall for it.

This thread and a few others have some good info posted in them about porn.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/22158-what-porn-did-marriage-interesting-read.html

There are some articles you might like to share with him. Also some stuff you might want to take a look at posted throughout the thread.

If you arm your self well, and assure him that you love him, but cannot stand by while your relationship suffers and eventually dies because of his porn addiction, then perhaps he will do something about it.

However I really don't think he will change unless he knows he may lose you, and you mean what you say to him and follow through.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You know what? There is waaay too much tender *****-footing around and talking about talking about it. Lay down the law. **** me or leave. Here's the bedroom and there's the front door. Your mother isn't going to cup your balls and tell you you're good boy. Now make a choice.

If I were a woman that's what I'd do.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Well, I am reasonably happily married...of course I'd like more sex (what man wouldn't!) but I'm not whinging.

I still masturbate (though not for a bit because my 'op', but I will!). Its got nothing to do with my wife. I do it because its pleasant, I can fantasise about women I will NEVER have in reality...its a bit of escapism.
I know my wife does it also, probably for the same reasons I do.

However, I do think it becomes an issue though when solo masturbation REPLACES sex in marriage. 

To the OP....when you see him watching porn and masturbating why not say; 'hey honey, let me give you a hand with that', then just kneel down beside him and take over.
No pressure from you for him to do anything to you.

I'll bet you if you did that, things would escalate and you would also enjoy it!
And that will be the start of your sex life returning to 'normal'.

Go on...try it! And let us know!


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I think sometimes sex takes up a lot more time and doing a quick one with some porn. Maybe say when he gets that need you can try to have a quickie with him, maybe just some BJ/HJ and give him the rest of the treat in the morning or at night depending when he asks for a quickie.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How much time do you need? I waited on line @ Starbucks for 10 minutes. We waste all kinds of time all the time.


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## Colita (Apr 15, 2011)

I know how you are feeling I'm going through the same problem with my husband. We have sex barely 3 times a month and have been married for 6yrs (btw we are only 30 y/o). I have wake up in the middle of the night to find my husband watching porn and masturbating (he almost died when he saw me)  My best advice move on because it is so difficult to deal with. I'm seriously thinking about getting a divorce. I have talked to him so many times and nothing


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> How much time do you need? I waited on line @ Starbucks for 10 minutes. We waste all kinds of time all the time.


Exactly, the time thing is BS. 

Why should she have to only meet his needs to get his attention? If he can't invest time in their relationship and replaces it with porn then HE has a problem, not her.


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