# Husband/MIL problems



## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

My mil is staying with us and she is helpless to say the least.I can only do so much.I work full time.Also,she is not my mother.I tried to speak to SO about it and I got accused of *****ing and complaining.WTF!Should I be doing everything for his mil.ex.her bills,her banking,driving her everywhere,etc.?Or should her son be doing these things?


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Hmm... The in laws issue is tricky to navigate. I am in a tricky situation myself with a dying FIL. Is there a reason she cannot do these things for herself? Eg, sickness, mobility issues? Does your wife also work full time?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

My husband works full time also.She has mental health issues and she had substance abuse problems.She is just a muddled headed person.She couldnt not even do change of address without help.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Start looking into options for her. If you and your husband need both of your jobs to keep your own household afloat, he is being very unfair to expect you to assume a "second job."

Have an intelligent conversation with him. After all, you have parents and maybe other relatives who will need assistance at some time anyway.

Do this in a very comprehensive way (it might help to have a discussion with someone neutral who knows what options are avaialbe in your area) with with your husband and be sure you know what your preferences are. This is so that you can cut down on the appearance that "you are whining and moaning...... while OMG, an old person needs your help."


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she is not that old.61..is not that old.My parents are 75 and function just fine.I have bent over backwards for this woman.I need his help.Not for him to dump everything in my lap.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

You need to say to hubby...I really don't have time to help your mom today with xyz, can you do it? Help if you can and when it doesn't become a huge burden, but when it does, you need to learn to just say no. Sorry, no, I can't do that today, I'm exhausted and I need some downtime.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

TrampledRosee said:


> she is not that old.61..is not that old.My parents are 75 and function just fine.I have bent over backwards for this woman.I need his help.Not for him to dump everything in my lap.


Whatever age she is, she sounds as if she cannot live on her own. Ergo, my advice stands.

Instead of depending on your husband, you need to make a plan as to how she will be accommodated -- where, who takes care of her on a day to day basis, how it will be paid........ Does your husband have any siblings? They should be called to account as well. 

Okay, your husband can discuss this with you but you need to set some reasonable boundaries so that you don't drive yourself crazy and become bitter with the situation.

A sad fact of life is, just because you spend the next few years wiping her a$$, it still may not buy you the appreciation (or compensation for what you lost with your job) that you should get for doing so.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she has lived alone many times.Yes he has a sister who refuses to help.SHe wants to live alone.I do not see it happening.I also am not letting her stay here forever.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> My mil is staying with us and she is helpless to say the least.I can only do so much.I work full time.Also,she is not my mother.I tried to speak to SO about it and I got accused of *****ing and complaining.WTF!Should I be doing everything for his mil.ex.her bills,her banking,driving her everywhere,etc.?Or should her son be doing these things?


This week make a list of all the things you are actually doing for her and note down all the things your H is doing for her (if any). Note the time taken to do these things. For the recurring activities, see what you can share with your husband. When you are doing this stuff, what is he doing? I assume you do the chores out of office hours? Armed with factual information (men don't respond well to what they perceive as complaining) show him all the things you are doing and suggest he take half. If he is sitting on his ass or doing his hobbies while you do them and refuses to help, then you become 'unavailable' either due to extra work or your own hobby or outside activity. You will soon see that he will dream up an alternative. As long as you carry the weight of the household, he will continue to let you, it's a guy thing unfortunately. I used to run around, no longer, I refuse to and now the PILs use a driver courtesy of my H no less! as he cannot cope. It also helps we live a fair bit away.


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

TrampledRosee said:


> she has lived alone many times.Yes he has a sister who refuses to help.SHe wants to live alone.I do not see it happening.I also am not letting her stay here forever.


If's she's lived alone recently why is she with you now?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she was in another state.She decide to come back here to live.We are suppose to be transitional while she finds apartment.I have my doubts


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I sent my SIL a sarcastic "your welcome"...dumb *****


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

So did you and H sit down before the fact and agree to some ground rules as we previously advised?

If not, you need to do it immediately. This smells rotten to the core. It won't end well I'm afraid.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

His mother - his responsibility. Period. You were gracious enough to allow her to stay in your home so the rest is on him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Is this the alcoholic, mentally ill MIL in another thread?

I don't blame your SIL for not helping, your MIL is an addict and has probably burned her more times than she can count.

You and your husband should not have allowed her to move in with you - as we advised you. Now that it's done, put your energy into finding her an apartment of her own - anywhere, just not in your home.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

TrampledRosee said:


> My mil is staying with us and she is helpless to say the least.I can only do so much.I work full time.Also,she is not my mother.I tried to speak to SO about it and I got accused of *****ing and complaining.WTF!Should I be doing everything for his mil.ex.her bills,her banking,driving her everywhere,etc.?Or should her son be doing these things?


If my mother ever has to live with us then the brunt of that burden will be on me. I would not ask that of my wife. That being said, it's possible that she would be doing less than the brunt yet still feel like you do. It's human nature after all to completely grasp our own sacrifice but not see others as clearly. So make sure you look at this objectively and if you're certain that you have then it's a problem because this is his mother so he has to do most of the lifting. IMO anyway.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Now MIL is out of pain meds.No doctor appt til the 13th. WTF


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

MiLs are just evil by nature. My MiL is a colossal bag. Same goes for my mom.

Assisted living homes not an option?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she is not handicapped just a muddle head


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Just make a schedule for when he helps her, and when you will help her. He gets Saturdays, you get Sundays, or whatever. If you both work full time, this should be a very easy call. He's definitely being unfair and he probably knows it, so rather than argue about it, just make yourself scarce when it's "his turn."

Be sure that on "your" time with her, you are taking her to see apartments!


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I cannot even start the apartment search yet.She needs id and I had to do her change of address.SO now we have to want for her checks to come in.I can use this mail to get her id and id to get her a bank acct.Then we can look at apartments


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## Eyvonne (Mar 23, 2015)

My MIL is absolutely AWFUL. I feel for you, truely.
Evie


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You can start LOOKING, though, just to keep it fresh in her mind that this arrangement isn't permanent! No harm in that.


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## marriedandlonely (Nov 7, 2011)

Use a little strategy here 
As you no doubt know by now most MILs love their sons and I think would rather that they do things for them , have a little chat on the side to both and sow the seeds so that your MIL thinks her son wants to do these things for her and a husband that thinks his Mum wants him to to do these things for her,you never know depending on your husbands patience he may just tell her to get real


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> Now MIL is out of pain meds.No doctor appt til the 13th. WTF


Tell your husband his mother is out of meds. Let him handle it.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

ummm..SO is not a doctor.What would like him to do?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, what are you supposed to do about it? Are you a doctor?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she made an appt.I am mad it happened at all.she acts helpless over everything.It is tiresome


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> she made an appt.I am mad it happened at all.she acts helpless over everything.It is tiresome


I'm sorry for your situation. She is acting helpless on purpose in order to come between the two you. It's just pathological.

Do everything in your power to get her out of the house. In the meantime, become really busy with work and stop doing stuff for her. If your H asks why, say you had x, y, z to do at work, etc. Just make it is issue. The more you do stuff, the worse it will be for you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> she made an appt.I am mad it happened at all.she acts helpless over everything.It is tiresome


If you are taking care of these things for her, why would she bother? She has no motive to do anything else and neither does her son.
You are engaging in codependent behavior.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> ummm..SO is not a doctor.What would like him to do?


Take her to the doctor??

Are you a doctor? What are you expected to do about it?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

How long should I wait for her or my SO to d0 it?He is never home.SHe cant use a cell phone with out hanging up on herself several times.I want her gone sooner then later.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The only things you ought to do are those which will get her out of your home sooner. Anything else is not your issue.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

WTF..I had to pay my mils co pay at doctors.Now she thinks I am paying for her prescriptions.HELL NO...I let SO have it over the phone.I am done with this ****


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> WTF..I had to pay my mils co pay at doctors.Now she thinks I am paying for her prescriptions.HELL NO...I let SO have it over the phone.I am done with this ****


Why are you so angry with her? She is foolish. So what? She can think whatever she wants, but that doesn't make it true. You can calmly and without getting upset, set a boundary and let her know that she is able to cover her own expenses. Why did you pay her co-pay?
Much of this can be avoided by discussing it with her in advance. Ask, "do you have your co-pay with you?" Things like that can make all the difference.
If you continue to have this anger towards her and her family, it is not going to do you any good. You simply don't let her take advantage of you. Getting angry at her for trying is a waste of your energy.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

my SO has checked out of problem.mil is an addict who plays games


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> my SO has checked out of problem.mil is an addict who plays games


I understand. You are dealing with people who have serious issues regarding personal responsibility. You are angry that you are the one who is dealing with their issues for them. It is your choice to deal with their issues or not to deal with them. Getting angry at them for doing what works for them is not going to help any of you. Your anger will turn into bitterness and you will not recover, unless you do something to stop taking on their issues for them. What you are doing is called care taking, but you are angry with them for expecting from you what you have shown you will give them.
Really, I understand they are not behaving well. They are not being responsible or considerate, but you don't have to take that on. You are making that decision and they are taking advantage of it. Again, getting angry doesn't help anything in this situation. Think about what you think is reasonable for you to do and don't do anything beyond that. Calmly set some boundaries. Don't expect anything from them, but don't give them anything you are not happy to give.
This is brought to you by a recovering codependent. I get where you are. I know from personal experience that anger in this situation will only make you feel worse and not resolve anything.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I've asked this before but don't see a response from you, OP. Forgive me if I missed it. Did you and SO even discuss a modicum of boundaries before MIL moved in like other posters suggested in your previous thread? If not, why? I suggest you do so now in a very calm but firm manner. Might as well try, right? Because as long as you continue to cater to MIL and SO, you're stuck in the status quo you have created.


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## Ntsikzo (Apr 12, 2015)

As a guy, I will tell you now that as long as you complain but still allow SO to take advantage of you, nothing will change. You can complain all you want but the only thing us guys understand is action. 

So if you pull out altogether from these responsibilities, then hubby will be forced to sit down with you and try to solve the problem. Right now he does not see a problem with you carrying the burden by yourself because actions are contrary to what you are saying.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

lucy999 said:


> I've asked this before but don't see a response from you, OP. Forgive me if I missed it. Did you and SO even discuss a modicum of boundaries before MIL moved in like other posters suggested in your previous thread? If not, why? I suggest you do so now in a very calm but firm manner. Might as well try, right? Because as long as you continue to cater to MIL and SO, you're stuck in the status quo you have created.


I tried he never listens and dismisses my concerns


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

My MIL was ill but nice. My own foster mom was a royal PIA and I would never, ever life a finger for her entitled, nasty self again.

You live and learn. 

Stop right now. Make the hubs and his sister take care of THEIR mom. And don't pay her bills, she will get real used to that and assume that is the way is should be.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I just lost my temper will MIL...and told husband things are going to change


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

TrampledRosee said:


> she is not handicapped just a muddle head


Assisted living is not just for handicapped people. It's also for people who are too muddle-headed to live alone. If she is mentally ill in some way, she qualifies for sure.

Look into her insurance and social security benefits and see what they pay for, and whether assisted living might be an option. Better than just complaining about it.

And learn to say NO. Your SO is just dumping all responsibility on you because you keep picking up the slack. Stop doing it, say no.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I hope he'll come around. When you talk to him make sure you are nauseatingly specific and mean what you say or we'll be seeing you again in the very near future. Have a list so you won't forget anything because that convo is bound to get heated and emo. Good luck.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

norajane said:


> Assisted living is not just for handicapped people. It's also for people who are too muddle-headed to live alone. If she is mentally ill in some way, she qualifies for sure.
> 
> Look into her insurance and social security benefits and see what they pay for, and whether assisted living might be an option. Better than just complaining about it.
> 
> And learn to say NO. Your SO is just dumping all responsibility on you because you keep picking up the slack. Stop doing it, say no.



will you be paying for what insurance doesn't?I saw on news it costs 100k a yr to live in nursing home


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> will you be paying for what insurance doesn't?I saw on news it costs 100k a yr to live in nursing home


There are many people living in assisted living facilities and nursing homes who are on social security and medicaid that pay nothing out of pocket. There are few beds available, so if she qualifies she may be on a waiting list.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Assisted living is not a nursing home. They have tiered rates depending on the space (studio, one bedroom, or two) and the level of care they need (more care = more dollars).

Look into what her insurance pays. I have no idea what her insurance might cover or not. If she is on Medicaid, states do have provisions for assisted living.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

norajane said:


> Assisted living is not a nursing home. They have tiered rates depending on the space (studio, one bedroom, or two) and the level of care they need (more care = more dollars).
> 
> Look into what her insurance pays. I have no idea what her insurance might cover or not. If she is on Medicaid, states do have provisions for assisted living.


Right. There is a range of what is available. There are groups homes, which I believe are also considered assisted living. You might be surprised if you look into it. How old is you MIL?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Getting angry at posters might make you feel good but it won't help solve your problem. 

Step back & analyze your actions: You took MIL to doctor and she didn't have her copay. You could have told her "so sad" and taken her home without treatment. Of course all of this could have been avoided if you had her son take her in the first place.

Just because he says he won't step up doesn't mean he won't if you STOP doing it. Just STOP.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I worked at an assisted living it started at 1700 for a studio...she can not afford that.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If she is not disabled she cannot afford it.
From what you have said about her not being disabled, but being unwilling to take proper care of herself, she does not need assisted living arrangement. She needs to be required to take care of herself. You doing what her children are unwilling to do is not going to help any of you.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You are honestly getting angry at the wrong people; the posters here are trying to be helpful, but you seem to be finding something wrong with everything they suggest. My husband tried his dead level best to check out on his mother's passive-aggressive "needs", I put them right back on his head. When his mother tells you that YOU have to do something, simply tell her to talk to her son and walk away. If he tells you that YOU have to do something, remind him whose mother she is, and walk away.

If you are feeling kind and want to assist with something, make it clear that this is a one-time occurrence. 

It's pretty simple.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

It is also drives me crazy watching husband dragging his feet over everything.Also,MIL never washes her hands.Thats stresses me out she is touching things in the house.I go behind her and clean everything she touches


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

****ing husband let her buy a DVD player.she has no tv.SHe hasnt saved a penny to move.this is what I am up againest


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> I cannot even start the apartment search yet.She needs id and I had to do her change of address.SO now we have to want for her checks to come in.I can use this mail to get her id and id to get her a bank acct.Then we can look at apartments


Have these issues been resolved yet?



TrampledRosee said:


> ****ing husband let her buy a DVD player.she has no tv.SHe hasnt saved a penny to move.this is what I am up againest


There are no boundaries anywhere to be seen. You can't tell her what she can or cannot purchase. That is on her. However, there should be a boundary regarding when she needs to leave. Your husband won’t listen to your concerns. He expects you to do things like take his mother to the doctor and whatever else you are doing. You are allowing this by doing what they expect of you and by not having any consequences for their behavior.
Are you renting or purchasing your home?
How long have you been married?
Do you have any children at home?
Had you considered moving out?
You have a valid concern about your mil living with you. She is crossing your boundaries for having your needs met. Your husband has not addressed your concerns in any manner. You cannot force anyone to do anything. You can only control yourself. The question here is what are you personally going to do about your situation? Are you going to continue to enable them or are you going to mind your own business, which includes deciding if you are willing to continue living with them.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Still waiting for stuff to take as proof of address to sos to get id.Why should I leave my home...she needs to get the hell out


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Still waiting for stuff to take as proof of address to sos to get id.Why should I leave my home...she needs to get the hell out


Because you cannot make her leave, but you can leave if you decide you've had enough. If I thought you could make her leave, I'd recommend that you do that, but neither your husband or your mil are listening to your concerns.
Life is not fair. It is not fair that you would have to leave your house in order to feel safe and comfortable. If you are not feeling safe and comfortable in your own home and your husband does not consider that to be important, then there is a much bigger problem going on here than your mill. You have a husband who does not make your well-being a priority. Is that how you want to continue to live?


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

You switch between "husband" and "SO". May I ask you which it is, without sending you into another rage?

And if you were not there to do all this for them, then what? Would they actually manage to do for themselves, or would they spiral into total ineptitude? You are martyring yourself.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Pam said:


> You switch between "husband" and "SO". May I ask you which it is, without sending you into another rage?
> 
> And if you were not there to do all this for them, then what? Would they actually manage to do for themselves, or would they spiral into total ineptitude? You are martyring yourself.


I did not know SO and husband were not interchangable. .I have stepped back some.All she has managed to do is buy cell phone and dvd player.No closer to leaving


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It doesn't sound like she has any intention of leaving and your husband doesn't have any intention of making her.
If you can assess the situation and understand your reality, it makes it easier to decide what you are going to do about it.
I feel for you. You are in a difficult situation. You can't make them do anything, yet they have made a decision that is impacting you negatively with no concern whatsoever for your feelings. It is normal to feel angry about that. However, you are not powerless. You are in charge of your life and how you respond to their lack of concern for your well-being.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

How does someone sit right next to a washer and not her the sink next to it overflowing all over the place...?How hell is this woman going to live alone.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> How does someone sit right next to a washer and not her the sink next to it overflowing all over the place...?How hell is this woman going to live alone.


That is not your problem. 
She has checked out of reality. She can choose to rejoin the world. Dealing with her life for her will only drive her deeper into her shell.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Husband is taking mil toDmv/SOS to get id today.Of course just got up .He could have been almost done by [email protected]@Mil continues to make phone calls in the part of the house she gets no signal ...UMMM after 4 drop calls maybe go stand somewhere else


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Husband is taking mil toDmv/SOS to get id today.Of course just got up .He could have been almost done by now.


Now this is a step in the right direction! 

I hope you didn't vocalize your negativity to your husband (particularly the last part of the quote above). Quit criticizing. Does it matter that he's doing it on his own timetable? Why do you care? You should care that he's stepping up.

I realize this is a tremendously stressful situation for all involved, but your negative tone, and not seeing the good in this doesn't help. Throw him a bone for chrissakes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Husband is taking mil toDmv/SOS to get id today.


This is a good step in the right direction. Let him know you are glad he did this. It is important to recognize any effort he makes, as he will be more likely to take the path of least resistance. If he gets a bit of wind at his back for doing the right thing, it will help him to continue in that direction. Do not add anything negative to your statement. Modifying it with with something negative will destroy your efforts to encourage him in doing what's right.
I wrote an article about this concept. If you're interested, it can be found here: Encourage Him in Doing Good Things | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Yesterday she is talking about giving her nephew large sum of money for some legal expensive.Ummmmm....she needs to move out first before she starts passing out money


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Yesterday she is talking about giving her nephew large sum of money for some legal expensive.Ummmmm....she needs to move out first before she starts passing out money


She has money to move out?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> She has money to move out?


No...that is my point..how is she going to give anyone money when she is still not moved out


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's time for a monthly meeting.

Agenda: 
- Discuss what she's planning to do and how long it will take.
- Formulate the steps required.
- Set target dates on steps as well as end goal.
- Schedule the next meeting for one month from this meeting to review progress.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Yesterday she is talking about giving her nephew large sum of money for some legal expensive.Ummmmm....she needs to move out first before she starts passing out money


This gave me the impression that she had money to pass around. If she doesn't have the money, why worry about her giving it away? 
How will she be able to get an apartment if she doesn't make any money? Is she completely dependent upon you and your husband financially right now?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she gets 2 pension checks and disability check..which she needs to move with not hand out


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> she gets 2 pension checks and disability check..which she needs to move with not hand out


What is left to do for her to be ready to move out?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

find a place to live..get a bank acct


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> she is not handicapped just a muddle head





TrampledRosee said:


> she gets 2 pension checks and disability check..which she needs to move with not hand out


I thought you said she wasn't disabled, so she would not be able to get into an assisted living facility with Medicaid. If she gets a disability check, she is disabled. Is she on Medicaid? What kind of medical coverage does she have?



TrampledRosee said:


> find a place to live..get a bank acct


Does your husband have a plan to get her a bank account?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I assume she gets it for her bad arm.I do not feel she is disabled she functions fine in front of me.I feel she is scammy


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> I assume she gets it for her bad arm.I do not feel she is disabled she functions fine in front of me.I feel she is scammy


I see. That makes sense.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

TrampledRosee said:


> I assume she gets it for her bad arm.I do not feel she is disabled she functions fine in front of me.I feel she is scammy


It's been established that you are not a doctor. Some doctor recommended her for disability or she would not be getting a check. She might be 'scammy', scuzzy or scummy but it doesn't alter the fact that the medical community considers her to be disabled. You admit that she does have a bad arm.

Shaking my head over the need for a DVD player when there is no TV. What was your SO/husband thinking? It looks like you have more problems in the house than just the MIL.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Husband forgot about his mothers doctors appt.so i had to take her.I worked a double and hadnt been to bed yet.Needles to say I am ****ing thrilled


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> Husband forgot about his mothers doctors appt.so i had to take her.I worked a double and hadnt been to bed yet.Needles to say I am ****ing thrilled


Sorry, you did not have to take her. This is more co-dependence. You are doing more to deal with their issues than they are. It only makes matters worse. If they mess up, you are not responsible for filling in the gap. It would be one thing if you didn't have anything else to do, but it was a huge inconvenience for you to do that. Giving them the idea that you "had to" only makes things worse. What is required for each person is to take care of themselves and their responsibilities first, then help someone if they it is appropriate.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

she does not drive.How was she going to get there???


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> she does not drive.How was she going to get there???


It is only your problem if you make it your problem. She is not a child. If she has not made proper arrangements to get there, then she will have to call and cancel. It is not your job to be her chauffeur. You are babying her. You are working harder at solving her problems that she is. There is nothing healthy about that.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

CynthiaDe said:


> It is only your problem if you make it your problem. She is not a child. If she has not made proper arrangements to get there, then she will have to call and cancel. It is not your job to be her chauffeur. You are babying her. You are working harder at solving her problems that she is. There is nothing healthy about that.


It was all set up...or so she thought.How i it her fault my husband is a piece of crap?do you get money every time you advertise during your answer?I find your non stop adverting distasteful.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Your allowing yourself to be a victim. You refuse to place boundaries, afraid to stand up for yourself, hiding your true emotions from your husband. Your playing the Mr. nice guy role, in which you hold onto a lot of anger and resentment, but you do not voice any of this, and go along with the current situation. Your wearing a mask because you don't want to come off a certain way.

It is safe to show off your anger here, because no one will know you, and no one can associate this you to the real you on the other side of the internet.

Your martyring your mental health, compounding your own problems. You do not either feel safe to show your emotions, or your insecure of what outcome will come of it. This is my personal guess here.


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

I have yelled at husband many times about this.This forum told me it was pointless to yell at his mother :scratchhead:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have you tried simply not doing something they tell you to do. Your right, people will shut down if they feel attacked.

Detach, your husband either should take the majority, or find someone else to help out his mother.

Start living your own life, and remove unhealthy stress by simply not being there. If your husband gives you attitude, walk away, and tell him when he is ready to discuss this like adults, you will engage.

If he has outbursts about this, you have an emotionally immature husband. Meaning he did not develop impulse control, nor did he develop emotional stability.

If this is the case, ask for him to seek a therapist, and if communication does not work, actions speak a lot louder.

If he does not take you into consideration,he is not treating you as an equal. He is taking advantage of you because he feels safe to do so, and if he makes your life hell, perhaps you should question if he is the type of partner you want.

He may not respect or cherish you as he vowed to do when you married. You have a say in how your life goes as well.

If this situation is causing you issues, separate from him. Your only building anger and resentment, which will trigger more easily in the future. Being around this is making you devolve as a person.

If you do not let a line be drawn on how far you are willing to let them push you, they will continually push you around. You set the limit, and you deal the consequences if that line is crossed.

This anger will only destroy the relationship, and your husband is probably ignorant that this will destroy the love and respect you hold for him. The stronger the bond, the more willing we are able to put up with, and if your noticing that your putting up with less, it is a strong indication that your bond is severely weakened. Perhaps to the point of breaking. Not to mention you may develop anger problems that were not that strong before.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

TrampledRosee said:


> It was all set up...or so she thought.How i it her fault my husband is a piece of crap?do you get money every time you advertise during your answer?I find your non stop adverting distasteful.


It's called a signature line. That is my website. You can block me and you won't have to see it anymore.
I am not going to be subject further to your rudeness. I have graciously tried to help you, since you asked for help, but I'm not going to be insulted. I'm unsubscribing from your thread.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Stop giving them permission. 

Since you think your husband is a piece of crap and his mother is an imbecile, why don't you kick them both to the curb? Or, do you enjoy playing the victim?


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## TrampledRosee (Mar 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> No one can take advantage of you without your permission. Stop giving them permission.
> 
> Since you think your husband is a piece of crap and his mother is an imbecile, why don't you kick them both to the curb? Or, do you enjoy playing the victim?


I would love to sit their stuff on front lawn.But, I am more civilized than that


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is the response I got from Trampled Rosee via a pm:
JUDGEMENTAL TWAT



TrampledRosee said:


> **** YOU


Now I'm going to try to figure out how to block her.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> This is the response I got from Trampled Rosee via a pm:
> JUDGEMENTAL TWAT
> 
> 
> Now I'm going to try to figure out how to block her.



WOW.  Wonder if she kisses her mother with that mouth?

Mods work fast 'round here. I see she's already banned. In the beginning I was quite sympathetic. But then she reminded me too much of my angry co-worker and I knew she wouldn't heed my advice. Default switch always set to anger. Sad.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Well, at least she was civilized.:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

I used to have a magnet on my fridge that read:

"A lack of forethought on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part". 

I pointed it out to my husband several times, then he finally got the message. Unfortunately, my mother wouldn't understand it so I just save my breath.


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