# Need to let go



## SAZul03 (12 d ago)

I have received advice from my siblings and mother, and 2 of my bosses whom I have talked to about everything, and I am still stuck. 

My wife has even given me the greenlight to leave, as she says I am causing more harm than good. She told me she would not ever ask me to leave, but wanted me to understand that the damage has been done.

I'll provide some backstory to help paint the picture, but I guess it ultimately doesn't matter what the details are. I am struggling with leaving. 

We met 8 years ago and she had 3 girls. We got along well, and the girls approved of me. So the understanding was that she felt they needed a father figure, as their fathers were not involved in any way. I also had made it clear to her that I intended to live a certain way- living off the land and being self-sufficient, and my aging father was to live with me, and she said she would like that for her girls. 

When we first moved in together after dating for 5 months, there were concerns , especially of her making decisions that I was not comfortable with and went against the plans we discussed. I addressed these things but she would always insist that she was doing what was best for her girls. So I went with my mother's advice, which was that things were still new and we weren't even married yet, and I understand that blending families takes time. 

We got married after being together 13 months. Even after we were married, there continued to be concerns that I had about decisions she was making, but I wanted to give it time. And then one day it came out that the oldest had been sexually acting out on her sisters. They were 6, 8 and 12 at that point. This was not only traumatic for me from past experiences, but also because I've never felt it was dealt with properly. They all went to counseling, and I believed the therapy that was happening was a joke, because I did not see anything at home with the oldest that told me anything was coming from it. My wife told me that her daughter was not a monster and that I was acting like I was at work. I told her, yes I was, because what I deal with at work was now at home, because I was tuned into that kind of thing and always seeing a lot of things that worried me greatly.

The issue that my wife has had with me and (also the children have had with me) since that point, is that I began to be withdrawn a lot. I acknowledge that this was not the best way to handle things, but I was overwhelmed and upset a lot of times. But I always felt my concerns were rejected and ignored. 

Why didn't I leave? I love my wife and the children, and my dad was very happy there and loved them, so I also didn't want to disrupt things for him as I knew he wouldn't be around forever.

After this major event, I tried to let it go, but there were always other things on top of that. I expressed to my wife numerous times that I felt I was just along for the ride, and that she was still acting like she was this a single mother with nobody else around. She always would say that when I backed off quite a bit when the big situation happened, that she had to go back to that mentality. 

So then it just went from there. I constantly felt that she was making decisions pretty much daily that she just decided and took no consideration from me. A lot of time I would walk around the house or in the yard mad and withdrawn. I told her more than once, that she continued to make decisions that went against the things we had talked about and that she knew I was not ok with.

I want to emphasize that I do not believe my wife has done anything with negative intentions or to purposely contradict me. In fact, she was always good to my dad, and took care of him when he got to that point. She had been staying home for the last 5 years with the kids and doing their schooling, and so she did do a lot to take care of him when I was at work, up until he got covid and left the home and passed away shortly after. 

That was over a year ago, and things began to deteriorate more rapidly, especially as the oldest turned 18. I told my wife more than once that I felt her and the oldest had an inappropriate relationship. They basically grew up together, and the boundaries were not the way they should be. She had and still has conversations with her that are conversations you would have with your partner, or if you're a single parent, you still wouldn't be having those conversations with your child- because you're not on the same level. 

The last thing that happened recently that was bad- the oldest moved out on bad terms- very hateful. I believe she has some personality issues anyway. She got with a guy and got pregnant and they married a few months later. Then supposedly he hit her and they were having issues and he lost his job and she was (supposedly) told her pregnancy was causing some health issues and she needed to stop working. So they were losing their apartment and wanted to move in with us. I told my wife for multiple reasons I was not ok with this. 

At first she said that even though she didn't agree, that since I pointed out that she never takes anything I say into consideration, that would be our decision together. And then a few days later, the daughter was here when I got home from work. My wife and I had a confrontation in which she said that she decided that "putting me before her daughter" was wrong. The funny thing is, the daughter was very hateful every day and entitled and ended up leaving a few days later, and my wife had told her she wished her the best. And then... 3-4 days later, the daughter and her husband were here. Supposedly crashing a few days. And then it turned into permanent. So my response was to go to work and then when I came home, go straight to the bedroom and stay there. 

So for the last 3 weeks, we had not even talked to each other. I just came and went from work. Meanwhile at work, my boss and her family planned a trip that just happened to be where my mother lives They were stuck with an extra ticket they couldn't use. I ended up deciding I would go see my mother but I decided last minute to just drive. Now I am aware that the way I handled this last minute could be (and was) perceived a certain way. The morning I was leaving, I told the 2 youngest and my wife I was leaving (this was Wednesday) and would be back Monday. This meant 2 days of driving, 2 days with my family, and 2 days back. I gave her an envelope with money for an emergency and for the 2 week budget. I did not discover until I got to my mother's the next evening, that my wife had deleted me on social media, and had announced to the world that I had abandoned her and the kids, that I had planned it out, and was never coming back, and that they all felt that way too. 

So I got up the next morning and spent 2 days driving home. My wife had a conversation when I got home that evening. She insisted that she truly believed I up and abandoned them and the girls did too. I did acknowledge that the way I went about it may have been rash and looked bad, but that since she wasn't talking to me either for 3 weeks, I was trying to stay out of the way. 

She told me that over the last several years, I have caused damage by being distant, and that had she stayed a single parent, she could have made sure none of this type of stuff happened. I refrained from bringing up the fact that the 2 younger ones being molested had nothing to do with me, and that I will never believe it was handled correctly. And besides, I haven't done anything that would cause harm other than be distant at times and walk around mad and withdrawn. She made all the decisions and left me out of them. So even with what damage my actions might have caused, has nothing to do with the rest of the dynamic in this home, and the way the oldest girl is, and now the way the 2 younger ones are gravitating. I believe my wife makes all her decisions based on her own traumatic past and acts on emotion and guilt. I do see and believe she has a lot of guilt in her parenting of her oldest being the way she is and the decisions she has made. 

Maybe I should have made the adult decision to leave a long time ago, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. And that's where I am stuck. I still do love my wife, and I care about the two younger ones. But it hurts me to see the way they are raised, and I am powerless to stop it. And this is not what I signed up for. But here is the other issue which is strictly my problem. 

All my family lives far far away and have their own lives. My dad was my best friend and he is gone. I feel like, once I would end this marriage, that I have nothing. There isn't anything that I feel is worth doing, like nothing matters after this. My father and the most important person in my life is gone, and now I will be leaving a failed marriage and transitioning into emptiness. At some point I know I am going to have to let go, but every day I struggle with it. I feel like this is the last stop on the train for me.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, the woes we weave, when we blend disparate souls in a box, in the marital Petri Dish.

You need to leave, be the bad guy, that they will always claim you are.

Why is it, you must suffer for those who have not, who show not a lick, a smidgen of gratitude?

You have brought this family quite far, let them venture the rest of the way, on their own.

Honor and duty is limited to the means at hand.
Your means was tolerance, theirs was entitled, separative, meanness.

_I do understand the mothers actions and thinking.
That blood is always thicker than any shared water..




Gwendolyn-_


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Said better-

On Motherhood:

When it comes to her brood....
Her bread, that arose from her womb.

All need to understand, that a mothers actions and thinking, is this.

_That blood is always thicker than any shared water with others.._



Gwendolyn-


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Well, what would you, or anyone expect? you have been nothing but a nagging doormat the whole relationship. Grow some balls and do what you have to do, and get out of this unbalanced relationship. But of course, I understand that you won't do a thing other than to complain, and complain, and complain. At this point you're getting what you actually want to get; which is basically nothing but more of the same.

You know, is funny when I hear/read those excuses, like but I love my wife, as if loving your wife have anything to do with the problem. Your lack of self respect, your lack of enforcing boundaries, your weak character and indecisiveness are the problems.


----------



## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Wow! How could this have gone wrong? You moved in with a woman that you didn't even know, plus she had daughters that were not yours which gives you a 70% failure rate from the start. Then to top it off, you tried to interject yourself into how your wife's daughters were raised. So what have you learned from all this?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You got played. Move out and move on (preferably back where your family lives).


----------



## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Dude, it’s time to go unfortunately. She won’t ask you to leave? No, she’ll just make you the most miserable she can until you go on your own accord. I’m all for reconciliation, this however seems very one sided.


----------



## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

SAZul03 said:


> I have received advice from my siblings and mother, and 2 of my bosses whom I have talked to about everything, and I am still stuck.
> 
> My wife has even given me the greenlight to leave, as she says I am causing more harm than good. She told me she would not ever ask me to leave, but wanted me to understand that the damage has been done.
> 
> ...


Let me guess...multiple fathers? I don't understand how guys marry into a family, especially one with three girls. Did your father not teach you anything about life?


----------



## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

"She felt they needed a father figure, as their FATHERS were not involved in any way".

When you found this out while you were dating (three kids and multiple sperm donors) didn’t this throw up major red flags???

This situation was only going to get worse as time goes by. I know it sucks but cut bait and move forward as this woman was only going to bring misery to your life.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

who owns the house?


----------



## SAZul03 (12 d ago)

Lostinthought61 said:


> who owns the house?


She owns the house but I have equal assets so restarting in that aspect isn’t a concern. It’s the letting go and moving on. I lost my dad and now the marriage is over. I feel empty when I think of the space that exists beyond this point.


----------



## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

SAZul03 said:


> She owns the house but I have equal assets so restarting in that aspect isn’t a concern. It’s the letting go and moving on. I lost my dad and now the marriage is over. I feel empty when I think of the space that exists beyond this point.


The space will fill. But I know the feeling of loneliness, and I have empathy. 
Perhaps you are all to familiar with loneliness in this relationship you are in now. Perhaps you can grow closer with a new mate... One that appreciates you.


----------

