# OMG... this is just SO inappropriate and playing with fire! What do I do?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I finally got STBX to admit where he is living, and give me the girl friends address. It is literally 1000 yards or less from my older daughters high school. He drives this big honking obvious Chevy Quad Cab. 

On top of that, our new condo is like 1/2 mile from the high school, and we probably drive by there once a day at minimum. The girls ARE going to see it, and he has been SO not discreet about going out with her and such I am terrified they are going to see him there with her, or closeby with her or driving with her. 

The level of stupid keeps getting worse and worse. I wonder now if my daughter saw his vehicle there before I had found out... OMG.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Since they are going to see it, you might as well have either your STBX have a discussion with the daughters about what is going on.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Since they are going to see it, you might as well have either your STBX have a discussion with the daughters about what is going on.


If I do it, he is going to say I am bashing him. Good God, how much more in your face can he be with me about this... how can I believe any more that he ever loved me or cared about me at all?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Lisa try a course in honesty with your children, sit with them and explain the real reason your husband has left , it called adultery . Assure them you love them and will be there for them , not saying anything and deceiving them is assisting the deceit . Once your children know the truth they will be assured that you their mother is at least honest with them and not abandoned them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I bet the girls already know. He needs to explain it to them, not you. 

Pretty soon, he's likely to invite the girls out with him and his GF. They will go have a great time together, and the girls will say how much fun it was when they get back to you. Be prepared for something like this in the near future. It will suck.

Turn him off, and start your new life without him. You have three daughters to raise. They need you. 

Go to IC and continue it until you feel that you are ready to date. Women who raise kids on their own and maintain a career are very attractive to single men who seek stability. Guys who cheated and divorced are not in high demand by single stable women.

You will make it. I have no doubt in my mind. Your words tell me this. Flush him and move on with you new life at a pace that is comfortable for you. You will be happy, if not happier, again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I agree w Eli. Don't lie for him. Explain the truth while at the same time not badmouthing him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree w Eli. Don't lie for him. Explain the truth while at the same time not badmouthing him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Before, I just told them he didn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't really tell them that there was someone else already. I think you guys are right, I need to tell them, but damn, I am always scooping his manure. Geez


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tell him he has to tell them. Tell him that they need to hear it from him before they find out on their own. Tell him that if he hasn't told them by the weekend, that you will be telling them.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

He will not tell them the truth and will put a spin on it , it is Lisa who should be there for them and explain what happened. If you have the OW name reveal it to your children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

He's going to spin it either way, regardless of who tells them. 

Why give the OW's name to them? Do they need it for some reason?


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

I made her tell the kids. It was the best thing for them. Not for our marriage. 
If you are pretty sure that divorce is coming then do it but be careful of your wording.

_Because you have decided that your affair is more important than your family it is important that your children understand that the family breakup is not about them.
If you are going to continue this destructive affair please tell them why you are leaving. If you don't do this by the weekend I will tell them . It would be better coming from you._

AFTER he has told them they will ask you questions. Do not bad mouth him but answer the questions. One of the questions will be her name. Tell them. This is really important.

In their fantasy they are going to pretend that they miraculously just met . You will recover quickly, get a BF and you will all have BBQ's together. [I am serious]

The kids probably already know. They are not dumb.


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## Ello1012 (Oct 26, 2011)

Agreed. The truth never hurt, it only makes things better...and he left because of Infidelity...let them see if their fathor truely loves them god willing oklol PeacE!Lol!


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

I understand that you are devistated... Ive been there. Emotions are running at full tilt and your probably consumed by panic and grief...

Please remember at all times, those children are made of up 50% of your husband. They understand/internalize that on an subcontious level. Anything that you say at any point that bashes, demeans or sheds him an a negative light will reflect in them. It can have lasting effects on thier self esteem and self image... 

Besides thinking it must be at least partially thier fault... If hes shed in a terrible light as a cheater, liar, or some kind of horrible person they reflect that light back on themselves. childrens logic = "I am made of daddy, so I to must be made of bad things...."

I didnt have time to type out the entire explanation of what can happen internally with children as a result of D/infidelity, etc...(I have taken childrens psychology courses + consulted phd's, and done extensive reading on the subject as a result of my W infidelity and the divorce) I hope you follow what Im trying to say...

Im begging you please, shield them. DO NOT allow your husband to be shed in a worse light than absolutely nessasary... This is about a failed MARRIAGE and 2 adults failures in a relationship... this has nothing to do with them, please remember that. 

You should be honest with them, just remember what Ive said and as ****ty as it is, protect his image where possible.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

I have no intention of bashing him at all... but if they ask me direct questions (especially my 17 year old), I really don't feel right lying.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Lisa try a course in honesty with your children, sit with them and explain the real reason your husband has left , it called adultery . Assure them you love them and will be there for them , not saying anything and deceiving them is assisting the deceit . Once your children know the truth they will be assured that you their mother is at least honest with them and not abandoned them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is spot on. What is the deal with folks not telling their kids? Hasn't there been enough lying in all this.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It is not , neccessarily, about two adults' failure in a relationship. It only takes one to destroy a relationship.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Arnold said:


> It is not , neccessarily, about two adults' failure in a relationship. It only takes one to destroy a relationship.


Exactly... and that doesn't mean that I feel I had no part in letting it get to where it was, or that there weren't things I probably could do better or change, but then again, as with everything, he took ZERO responsibility for moving things in a more positive direction. He seemed completely unable to grow a sack, man up and do the right thing. Honestly, he wondered why my attraction to him waned... THAT is why.

I asked him why he was so unhappy on multiple occassions, I asked him to talk to me, I asked him why he was so hostile and cold... HE chose to have an affair rather than AGAIN to MAN the hell up and face the problems. 

Our problems were NOT insurmountable until he spent one and half years lying to me and cheating.... HE did that, and HE destroyed any hope of keeping our marriage and family together.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Lisa, Im not suggesting you lie to them, I would never suggest that. I just suggest a responsible “filter” of the information they are made aware of that’s all. I’m absolutely on your side here, and understand all to well how you feel.



Arnold said:


> This is spot on. What is the deal with folks not telling their kids? Hasn't there been enough lying in all this.


Not my kids, tell yours whatever you want. Go ahead, tell them everything.

As a father and the victim of my wife's infidelity the question of what to tell my little boy tormented me. That prompted me to consult a children’s behavioral psychologist, read extensive literature on the subject and enroll in classes.

Based on what I learned, I choose not to tell him his mother betrayed me (us). Do whatever you want with yours. 



Arnold said:


> It is not , neccessarily, about two adults' failure in a relationship.


Huh? 

Yeah Arnold, it is. But thanks for the reply. I was in such a hurry yesterday; I hadn't realized I left a soapbox sitting there for someone to try to jump on. Very careless of me. Lol.

I guess I neglected to point out that regardless if it was 99.9% his fault and 0.1% hers - it was still a failed relationship between two adults AND had nothing to do with the children. I should have assigned relative weight of responsibility so it was clear I wasn't suggesting an even distribution of fault.

Whoops. My bad. Lol.

BTW, I’m just bustin’ ur balls man. We are on the same side.


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