# handling kids emotions...



## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I usually post over on CWI, but now I got new friends! :smthumbup:

Now that STBXW is out of the house and in her own "loveshack", or whatever it is, her personality change continues. My daughter (12) calls me tonight crying that mommy has her door closed and locked (something she NEVER did at our house) and she hears her talking on the phone about how she is finally free to do whatever she wants, and how she is DONE!, etc., etc. 

Okay, not that I care (thank god), but how have people on here handled the situation where the other spouse really seems to be losing all control in front of the kids and they are just watching her get more and more angry/out of control/obvious with her insanity?

(My back story, BTW, is my wife is 2.5yrs into an affair with POSOM, I caught them for DDay#4, told his wife (again) and said C-YA! and kicked her to the curb. I don't know if they are still in their affair and couldn't care less!)

I had to just tell my daughter that this was not a conversation for right now (since I figured my STBXW would catch her talking to me and then get really mad at her). I am doing the best I can to be a positive light for them right now. I don't say anything bad about their mother, tell them that we will always be a family, just not together, and that we will all soon be getting better and used to this and that things will be for the best and they can trust me on this. 

I truly believe this, but when I see what behaviour she is exhibiting, all I can think is that she threw her marriage and family away, and now she is doing her best to destroy what respect she has left from the kids. 

My Niece (19) who has lived with us for the past few years is disgusted, and even tho she tries to stay close with STBXW, feels abandoned by her. My STBXW rented her house with only three bedrooms and told my niece that she thinks it would be best if she stayed in the big house with me. This is fine by me, but telling a blood relative that you think she should stay with a non blood relative? WTF?!? I love my niece, and I have since she was born. I have changed her diapers for chrissake, that isn't the issue. Personally, I think it's so when the kids are gone, she can get the house a rockin', but what a crappy message to send to a kid! 

Who did I marry? I wonder sometimes if this is still the fog, resentment for me ruining her escape parachute by blowing up her affair again, someone going over the edge, or someone who is just pure concentrated evil! Take your pick...

I know this is rambling. How do you stay positive for the kids is the real question I am asking?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Doc: When my STBXW moved out, I looked after the kids primarily. My STBXW only had them every other weekend. She was in no condition, emotionally to be a responsible parent. She had to "enjoy" her freedom for a while before she missed the kids. Now, a couple of months later, we are 50/50.

It's hard, but you HAVE to stay positive for the kids. My kids didn't like me talking about my STBXW (positive things too, I don't say anything negative) and they did not want me talking about the separation. They got tired of hearing the "we both love you" speech too. Basically they just wanted to carry on. Things were way too serious the first few weeks. Try to act as normally as you can - create new traditions and habits and maintain some of the things you always do. 

It took a few weeks, but soon we were laughing and joking and things were back to a new normal. And now that my STBXW has settled down, she is actually being a better mother than she has been for years, on her weeks.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Doc, your daughter is reaching out to you, which is a good thing. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs to talk. I'm not going to criticise your actions, I know it's a difficult situation, but if she wants to talk then you need to let her. Don't worry about the stbxw, if daughter is reaching out, then listen.

I was 13 when my parents divorced. Old enough to chose who I wanted to live with. Is this an option for your daughter? Maybe she would be better off living with you? If not just make sure she knows she can reach out to you at any time.

Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Just be the rock that she has relied on... Show her that although her relationship with her mother may change, her relationship with you will remain solid. At 12 I doubt she has no idea what is really going on, but I can appreciate your desire to protect her. Kids try and protect us a lot more than we think they do. 

You are doing the right things... just keep reiterating them through your words and actions.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Doc, your daughter is reaching out to you, which is a good thing. Let her know that you are there for her whenever she needs to talk. I'm not going to criticise your actions, I know it's a difficult situation, but if she wants to talk then you need to let her. Don't worry about the stbxw, if daughter is reaching out, then listen.
> 
> I was 13 when my parents divorced. Old enough to chose who I wanted to live with. Is this an option for your daughter? Maybe she would be better off living with you? If not just make sure she knows she can reach out to you at any time.
> 
> ...


we talked for quite a while actually. I wasn't worried about my STBXW finding out I talked to her, I just didn't want my daughter to get in trouble after we hung up with sh!t like "are you spying on my for your dad?" or "You are not allowed to talk to your dad about my private conversations". etc. 

I will talk to her tonight mostly for the fact that it bothered her so much. I will tell her that her mother is making her own decisions now and time will tell how good those decisions will be, but they will not affect our relationship and how I am going to stand by them and never waver. I won't allow myself to get sucked into her drama (STBXW) and will encourage my daughter to let it go as well. She is their mother, and I will support that. Besides, I really DON'T want to know what kind of plans she is making. I just wish she could have more respect around the kids. She got all over me cause I left my copy of "Not just friends" lying on my nightstand one day! But, whatever...


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> Just be the rock that she has relied on... Show her that although her relationship with her mother may change, her relationship with you will remain solid. At 12 I doubt she has no idea what is really going on, but I can appreciate your desire to protect her. Kids try and protect us a lot more than we think they do.
> 
> You are doing the right things... just keep reiterating them through your words and actions.


Yeah, she knows for sure... and if she doesn't have all the pieces, she soon will. The POSOM's daughter and her are on the same swim team in the summer, so they hang out quite a bit every year, so when one of them pieces this together, and they eventually will, it's going to add a whole other level of sh!t for STBXW to deal with.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

figured I would just post here as opposed to starting another new thread. I dunno which is better? I don't know a lot anymore. 

I know that she is getting easier and easier to move away from! She badgers me with having spoken to an attorney a year or so ago after I found about about DDay#2, but she is the one now with all correspondance needing to be email to send to her attorney. She is the one stating she wants to be fair with the kids, but her initial custody model has me seeing the kids once every other week for dinner, one night a week to spend overnight and every other weekend friday night to sunday at 4. At first I was like, okay, I don't want to see the kids bounced around all the time, but I also want a fair shake when it comes to their time. I'm starting to really get irritated now. 

And now the random texts are coming through like "You know what? I f*cking HATE you!!!", and stuff like that. I guess me cutting her rip cord and pushing her out of the plane the way I did by exposing her affair YET AGAIN, has really upset her plans for a soft landing in the arms of another... Yeah, I'm the devil! I'm a monster and I'm "sick" as she loves to point out. 

Good god it is going to go down hill very fast. I am just trying to disengage and meditate as much as possible. She will try to make my life a living hell. I'm trying so hard to stay disengaged and actually be fair, not that this will be rewarded. But truly our kids will benefit from us both being around. We live a 1/2 mile away for god's sake!

anyway, rant on my part. Hurting really bad today. unravelling two lives that have been so intertwined for 17 years is really tough. I still can't see how two people who were so close and shared everything have gotten here? I don't know her at all...and no longer want to. I just want her gone. I just want my kids...


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## Links17 (Jan 15, 2013)

Wow, just saw this post after your other.... prepare for the worst. Keep it all in writing too.... I am going through a very similar case She is digging her own grave, don't bait her out, just keep it about the kids.

Just pretend your wife died, and this person is an evil clone.... and read other people's stories here about cheating wives and stuff and you'll realize this is normal and she is not worth the gum on your shoes and you just need to endure her for the kids...


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

Our stories are so similar, although there's no OW as far as I know (I suspect, but I'm in the "don't know, don't care" camp). The STBX isn't involved with the kids, and before the D and now my 10-year-old mentions that daddy's on the computer or watching TV all the time. I can't figure out why he wanted 50/50 just to ignore them when they're there, but that's the dad they know. He feeds them and gets them to bed, so they'll have the basics. It is SO hard not to talk bad about him when the kids say "daddy yelled at us", "daddy made us go to bed early for no reason", "daddy is just playing on the computer and won't play with us". I can't agree these things are OK, but don't want to talk bad about him.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Doc, I suggest keepng all her ranting texts for the pending custody battle (because it sure sounds like there might be one). It is evidence you can present to demonstrate the lack of civility in your relationship and why a precise custody agreement is necessary. Why would she think you would be happy with so little time with your daughter? Craziness. Please remember to breath, it helps.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Pluto2 said:


> Doc, I suggest keepng all her ranting texts for the pending custody battle (because it sure sounds like there might be one). It is evidence you can present to demonstrate the lack of civility in your relationship and why a precise custody agreement is necessary. Why would she think you would be happy with so little time with your daughter? Craziness. Please remember to breath, it helps.


well, the good part is we only correspond via email now. So it is all going into the "divorce" file. I never throw anything like that away. I already know better. 

Yeah, no one thinks that four nights every two weeks is a great arrangement for us being so close together. 

We will see. I am just thinking that getting it as close to 50/50 is a good point to relax from. I'm not gonna deny my kids as they get older to "stop by moms" or whatever. But the way she is being (and how her older brother's divorces have gone) she will use the "letter of the law" so to speak, to make me pay. "Oh, you are five minutes late to get the kids, so you can't have them today, come back next week" kind of stuff. How is that good for the kids?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

It isn't good for the kids-you are absolutely right. It sounds like at that point, she no longer views the children as people, but as pawns in a game. Some parental instinct! The best parents are the ones that recognize children benefit from having two parents in their lives.
I'm probably not saying anything you don't already know, but if your daughter is 12, it won't be long before her friends become far more important than her parents. You have to fight now, to see her, and be there for her (like you are doing now). The stronger your bond with her now, the healthier and happier a woman she can become.


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