# Not sure where to start... a little long



## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

My husband and I have been married 6 years now. Recently we had a huge fight when visiting his family.... again. I tend to drink a little more than usual when I am in an uncomfortable situation. And, well, his family, to me, have always made me feel uncomfortable. I don't even remember saying some of the things he told me I said. Ever since we got back, he has basically told me that we are done. He wants a divorce. Well, being in VA and military, it isn't so east. We have to be legally separated for 6 months before the divorce can even happen. We only have 5 months left here before we have to move again. I am trying to move forward from the occurrences of the trip, he told me today he still can't. We have been together almost 8 years, and I do not have money to just get my own place. He keeps telling me how I should've saved over the years. I'm, yea, no college education, you took me from where I was for 4 years, to VA where I made 50% less. And then that was a fight because I couldn't help enough. Two years ago I started making that 50% more, and it seems like it was not good enough. Anything he wanted, if I could, was his. I barely spent on myself, but always covered us for things like dinners, etc... trips. My money was the NOW money after bills. His money was the future money. Well, how am I possibly supposed to move out when I've spent the NOW money? He tells me I can stay with him, and we can go to the next duty station together. That will be another 3 years of mental anguish for me. I still love him, and truly hope we can fix this. But he is right, he can't take me back to his family. Which, in all honestly, it's a relief for me. I don't like them because all they ever do is bring up the past. As does my husband. I told him I don't live in the past anymore, and I can only do my best for me now. He has offered to "help me" so that I am not dependent on anyone. Part of me wants to leave right now (I have someone I can stay with.) But another part wants to stay and stash as much away as I can. I am so torn and not sure what to do. I don't want to end up making any rash decisions. I told him I know I am entitled to a percentage of what he has in all accounts... I seeked the advice of a military lawyer. Now he says, after how many years and how much? You know they changed it to 18! I said, don't worry how much and it's not 18. We are supposed to talk "peacefully" after work today. I left one relationship empty handed before after years... He ended up keeping most of my things. I refuse to leave this one empty handed after everything I've given up, and done. 

Sorry this was so long.... and thank you for reading. It helped to let it out.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Works said:


> My husband and I have been married 6 years now. Recently we had a huge fight when visiting his family.... again. I tend to drink a little more than usual when I am in an uncomfortable situation. And, well, his family, to me, have always made me feel uncomfortable. I don't even remember saying some of the things he told me I said. Ever since we got back, he has basically told me that we are done. He wants a divorce. Well, being in VA and military, it isn't so easy. We have to be legally separated for 6 months before the divorce can even happen. We only have 5 months left here before we have to move again. I am trying to move forward from the occurrences of the trip, he told me today he still can't. We have been together almost 8 years, and I do not have money to just get my own place. He keeps telling me how I should've saved over the years. Yet he never complained when I spent thousands with him on renovating his old house that he left behind. I have no college education (I wanted one while together, he always told me he didn't want us in debt, so I never went back) you took me from where I was for 4 years, to VA where I made 50% less. Now he is willing to help me with school and says debt is ok with him as long as it is manageable. Where was this years ago? And then that was a fight because I couldn't help enough. Two years ago I started making that 50% more, and it seems like it was not good enough. Anything he wanted, if I could, was his. I barely spent on myself, but always covered us for things like dinners, etc... trips. My money was the NOW money after bills. His money was the future money. Well, how am I possibly supposed to move out when I've spent the NOW money? He tells me I can stay with him, and we can go to the next duty station together. That will be another 3 years of mental anguish for me. I still love him, and truly hope we can fix this. But he is right, he can't take me back to his family. Which, in all honestly, it's a relief for me. I don't like them because all they ever do is bring up the past. As does my husband. I told him I don't live in the past anymore, and I can only do my best for me now. He has offered to "help me" so that I am not dependent on anyone. Part of me wants to leave right now (I have someone I can stay with.) But another part wants to stay and stash as much away as I can. I am so torn and not sure what to do. I don't want to end up making any rash decisions. I told him I know I am entitled to a percentage of what he has in all accounts... I seeked the advice of a military lawyer. Now he says, after how many years and how much? You know they changed it to 18! I said, don't worry how much and it's not 18. We are supposed to talk "peacefully" after work today. I left one relationship empty handed before after years... He ended up keeping most of my things. I refuse to leave this one empty handed after everything I've given up, and done.
> 
> Sorry this was so long.... and thank you for reading. It helped to let it out.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He sounds controlling and manipulative.

My advice to you would be to stay and stash. Sock away enough money for you to do the things necessary for you.

Also, I am retired military. Time and time again, soldiers would think they could simply kick their dependents out of their house. This is not the case, and is in fact the opposite. If there is a dispute that cannot be resolved, the soldier was removed from the home, because the housing was provided for dependents.

Don't let him bull**** you.

While you are stashing, start reading. This relationship sounds like it's similar to your last one, which tells me you end up picking men who are controlling and manipulative. Find out why you select men that have this personality trait. I would start with reading Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson.

Stay strong, and keep posting.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

What are his issues with the marriage? Your drinking? And your behavior at the family event was the last straw for him? 

Your paycheck is no longer the NOW money, BTW. Buckle down and get yourself to where you're no longer dependent on him any more.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

That is how I honestly feel. He was good with me when I was quiet and agreed to everything.. Once I started questioning things, about spending and such (he has a gun obsession - always has)... I was told that it was HIS money.. and he saved for it. It was a long time coming I told him, this was inevitable... Whether I had acted like a fool cause I was drunk in Ohio, or here in VA... THIS was bound to happen. Even when he bought his latest gun, which I was opposed to because of where the money came from... It seemed like he STILL was not happy. Now, Friday, I am supposed to stay in a hotel (he paid for it) because he wants a day for himself where he can seek some sort of peace. Create a plan... Basically "find himself." I am SO tired of the roller coaster ride this has been. I will stay and stash.. even if it means I am going with him to the next duty station for another 3 years. On the bright-side, if one can be found through all this... we have been very amicable with one another at home. Then again, he just got back yesterday after being away for a week. He leaves again Saturday for two weeks.. Also, with this relationship... It took him a while chasing me before I said yes I would date him. It was unexpected after my last one. He definitely was different from the last one, we did so much together, he introduced me to so much... This morning I told him that perhaps it's true... Our relationship has come to an end. We met as two broken souls, healed one another, and now can move on with the lessons learned.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do you have a drinking problem? You seem to be glossing over that one. It is a bad sign if you are saying things and insulting people and you do not remember what you did. Why not address the elephant in the room first, work on yourself first, then worry about the marriage. Get some professional counselling and become a better woman, maybe then your H will think twice about the divorce.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Works said:


> That is how I honestly feel. He was good with me when I was quiet and agreed to everything.. Once I started questioning things, about spending and such (he has a gun obsession - always has)... I was told that it was HIS money.. and he saved for it. It was a long time coming I told him, this was inevitable... Whether I had acted like a fool cause I was drunk in Ohio, or here in VA... THIS was bound to happen. Even when he bought his latest gun, which I was opposed to because of where the money came from... It seemed like he STILL was not happy. Now, Friday, I am supposed to stay in a hotel (he paid for it) because he wants a day for himself where he can seek some sort of peace. Create a plan... Basically "find himself." I am SO tired of the roller coaster ride this has been. I will stay and stash.. even if it means I am going with him to the next duty station for another 3 years. On the bright-side, if one can be found through all this... we have been very amicable with one another at home. Then again, he just got back yesterday after being away for a week. He leaves again Saturday for two weeks.. Also, with this relationship... It took him a while chasing me before I said yes I would date him. It was unexpected after my last one. He definitely was different from the last one, we did so much together, he introduced me to so much... This morning I told him that perhaps it's true... *Our relationship has come to an end. We met as two broken souls, healed one another, and now can move on with the lessons learned*.


The bolded sounds like a good ending, OP. Take what you learned and move on.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> The bolded sounds like a good ending, OP. Take what you learned and move on.


I agree that it sounds like the relationship is ending, and should end. 

However, you'd be foolish to think that you have been healed by him, OP, or healed at all for that matter.

Frankly, it sounds like you still have some growing and healing yet to do. And make no mistake, nobody can heal you but you. Other people may empower us to heal ourselves, but ultimately we are still responsible for such.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

See if these match:
https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-of-a-controlling-guy/

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I guess I termed it wrong... when I said healed, it was healing from our past relationships. Experiencing life as we should have. We did have a lot of wonderful times together. While it is coming to and end, I have no regrets about anything at all that has happened, or how it happened. Thank you guys for your kind words. I feel so much better now about what the future may hold. One thing I am taking from this, is to always take care of myself no matter what.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It may be wise to find another coping mechanism as well besides the "little more than usual" when situations are uncomfortable. Slip away to another room, any room, for 60-90 seconds of breathing meditation... it is a godsend.

Hurt people hurt people and if he is having to "find himself", he is hurting... the outcome of taking it out on you is the concerning part as he does not see you as an equal partner in the relationship and without that, this has little success to end well. 

You have little money now and all the pain, wouldn't it be better to have little money and less pain? What would it take to ease such suffering? 

BTW... in all marital fairness, 50% of everything in his collection of toys is yours too. If the next duty station is overseas, then your options of easing out of this if things get worse have decreased tenfold. I had friends (married male dependents) who did exactly what your plan is and it was a struggle.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, don't forget that, when you divorce, he will owe you half of the worth of all his toys. And half of everything else you two accumulated during the marriage.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

For sure... I consulted with a military lawyer already. I am also entitled to a percentage of his retirement pay which will occur in another couple of years. When I told him that, he said we will talk when he gets home and come up with a plan... That I am not going to leave empty handed. HA!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

turnera said:


> Yeah, don't forget that, when you divorce, he will owe you half of the worth of all his toys. And half of everything else you two accumulated during the marriage.


This.

If it is possible, take pictures of all of them, with serial numbers. Joint marital assets are being used to purchase those weapons.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Again, you skipped over answering about your drinking habits. What is the past his family cannot get over, did you do something back then? Also, if you go to the next duty station with him, why are YOU stuck for 3 years? You arent the one serving. 

I think some history would be helpful.


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