# Should I stay or go?



## brwngrl (Dec 11, 2012)

Hello. I am in a sticky situation as I do not know if I should just walk away from a 6 year marriage. I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. The last straw is when I found out that the last trip he made, he went to a different place and went to party in the cheap bars with hookers. To make it worst, he has been doing this all these years. He tells me that I never gave him attention ever since our girl was born. I find this hard to accept because he has been doing this even before I gave birth. I believe that he is addicted to hiring prostitutes. I honestly do not know who I married. I feel so disgusted. I want to just walk away. He has been apologizing and wanting to go to counseling to get some help. I feel that its just too late for that. At the same time I feel I owe my little girl to atleast even try. I do love my husband and I hate to break away. However, I need to love myself too


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Does he have a point? I mean, have you been withholding sex and affection from him? When a guy complains he's not getting "attention" that's usually what it means.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> Does he have a point? I mean, have you been withholding sex and affection from him? When a guy complains he's not getting "attention" that's usually what it means.


He may have a point. But it mainly sounds like deflecting to me.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

brwngrl said:


> Hello. I am in a sticky situation as I do not know if I should just walk away from a 6 year marriage. I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me. The last straw is when I found out that the last trip he made, he went to a different place and went to party in the cheap bars with hookers. To make it worst, he has been doing this all these years. He tells me that I never gave him attention ever since our girl was born. I find this hard to accept because he has been doing this even before I gave birth. I believe that he is addicted to hiring prostitutes. I honestly do not know who I married. I feel so disgusted. I want to just walk away. He has been apologizing and wanting to go to counseling to get some help. I feel that its just too late for that. At the same time I feel I owe my little girl to atleast even try. I do love my husband and I hate to break away. However, I need to love myself too


Even if you were withholding sex or gave him less attention, straying is not the way to fix a marriage. 

IMO, Like me, your spouse may have a sexual addiction and sexual compulsions. 

If he does, he can be helped with a properly trained therapist specializing in sex addictions. 

You can't likely help him overcome it, and he can not likely do it on his own. 

People are notoriously oblivious to their own faults and bilnd spots. 

Find a competent sex addiction therapist and get him in to see the therapist, now.

The difference between your spouse and me, is that I never blamed my wife. I know it was never about her, and your spouse's cheating is likely not about you, either.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> Does he have a point? I mean, have you been withholding sex and affection from him? When a guy complains he's not getting "attention" that's usually what it means.


Even if he DOES have a point does that mean its ok for him to be having ex with prostitutes for most of his married life!

OP your H is blameshifting. He is in the wrong here and u tip he is truly remorseful and transparent with his actions you have no chance of a successful R.
You can't control his actions but you can control yours.
Read up on the 180 and get yourself tested for STDs.
Are you sure you want to reconcile with a serial cheater?
You have a lot to think about.
Sorry you are here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have a serial cheater here & you are destined for years of heartache. The love you feel now may overwhelm your sensible self, but that will probably change. He might get better with help, but he might not get the help & he might not get better. He might not want to.

The life you have ahead with him will completely exhaust you - mentally, emotionally, physically - your heart will be completely worn out and sad. Sorry. If it were me, I would hope to have the strength to cut my losses now.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

I agree with altedame.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The only logical consequence of serially withholding basic needs from a spouse is that they will find other ways to satisfy those needs. One might argue whether that's right or wrong, but it is a natural fact of life. If I deliberately rejected my wife sexually for months at a time, I would fully expect her to turn to another man. Why would I imagine otherwise? There are consequences for our actions. Now, if the OP is taking care of her husband and he's still going to prostitutes, he's wrong. If, however, he eventually had to turn to other women because his wife continuously refused him, he's not the villain. He's not giving another woman anything his wife wants or values.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I know several men who "party with hookers"; some have sex with them, some don't.

They see it as no different from any other physical pleasure and are in all other respects faithful, loving husbands. They wouldn't dream of having an emotional affair and draw a very distinct line between sex with a prostitute (or just getting, say hand "relief") and being emotionally unfaithful.

Of course, it's all about what you find acceptable and he clearly has to promise not to do this again (and deliver and be contrite etc.).

*I am not condoning what he has done for a second*, just trying to say that it might not be as destructive to a marriage as an emotional and physical affair.


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## brwngrl (Dec 11, 2012)

It's not that I am withholding sex from him. He is not interested to make love with me. Maybe because I am not a hooker. (Lol) Shoot! I just said that. Anyway he never showed interest and blames it on his medication. After hours and days of analyzing, I believe he is addicted to hookers - if there is such thing. 
He agreed to see a counselor. I am still thinking of moving out. I agreed to go counseling but i just need to be away. He feels that if I move out, it will be impossible to fix the marriage. I just cant stay and wait for miracle to happen. This has been emotionally draining for me.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

He hasn't been remorseful about anything?


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## brwngrl (Dec 11, 2012)

Now he is. Promised me that he will leave that part of his life behind. He cries whenever we talk and asking me not to go anywhere. He said he will get help professionally. But then this is not the first time I caught him. I have caught him chatting with girls before and we had the same talk as before. Promises broken over and over again. The only difference now is that he is willing to go counseling - he did refuse before. 
I guess the only difference now is that the big picture is in front of me. I know he has been doing his thing before and during our marriage life. I now know he is into his ***** world too deep.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Guys do this kind of thing for many different reasons and it's not clear why he did it. He says that it's an attention thing but what does this really mean? I'm not trying to shift any blame to you but if you are considering reconciling, then you both need to understand if and how the marriage could be successful going forward.

Has he asked you to 'party' with him? Do you ever go out as a couple? Does he REALLY want this from you or does he want you for one thing and other women for something else? Can he ever be satisfied in this marriage with just what you can give him? His behavior suggests otherwise as he has been straying from you in multiple ways - chatting with other women, partying/socializing with hookers and the sexual side with the hookers.


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## brwngrl (Dec 11, 2012)

I really don't have answers. We never go out to do anything else but work...we have a business and we work together. I like going out but he is never interested to do anything with me. I don't know if he will be ever satisfied with our marriage. As of right now, I have no clue on what is really going on in his mind. He could be telling me one thing but doing another.


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