# How much more can I take?!?!



## sea1117 (Aug 14, 2012)

I posted here a few months ago.... Long story short, caught H about a yr ago, getting nude pics from another women. He swears nothing happend, I got roses, it supposably stopped. 6 months after that, he tells me he wants to separate, due to my nagging, *****ing, complaining. It killed me, but I did understand there where things I needed to change for us to get better. He didn't move out (neither one of us could afford it), he decides since we are separated he wants to see other women. When I found this out, a close girlfriend of mine came over to comfort me. I proceeded to tell her a male co worker of mine, has been a great friend to me over the years, i never had an affair with this man, never wanted to either, he was a friend, that I got good man advice from, yes i did tell him personal stuff that i needed advice on. We didn't txt, call, meet up or anything outside of work, it was pretty much smoke breaks, or when I was going through issues when we would talk.
My H, does not approve of me having any male friends, he thinks they all want to get in my pants. He knew we worked together, but would flip out if he knew i was talking to a male about our problems. Well my dear girlfriend decided to go to my H with this info, he flipped out, said i've been cheating on him for 2 yrs, how Im the horrible one etc.
I don't believe I cheated by doing this, I do feel i'm guilty of telling a man our personal problems without my H's knowledge. So after he found out this, he was on the prowl, dates, never coming home, going out with other women. I lost my job during this, so i was really screwed, and stuck in a house with a man that I love but is off, sleeping with half the town. 
After a month or so, I started to get over it, get my confidence back, wanted my life back, instead of sitting at home crying all the time. I reconnected with old friends from H.S, girls & guys, started going out and having fun. 
Well once the H, saw I was moving on, he decided he wanted us to work on us, and he is going to stop going out, seeing other women etc. I break down and decide to go for it, I love him, I want our family back. 
So now 2 months later this is where we are at: He says everything that is wrong with our family is my fault, infidelty, finances, trust etc. We don't have sex cause he says he doesn't trust me, and he knows I had sex with other men (which I havent, while he's slept with numerous), he still talks to "friends" (other women) via text right in front of me. His reasoning: we aren't 100% back together, there just friends, its not like that, i have no reason not to trust him, he can do what he wants cause its all my fault our lives our like this now. 
If i get upset or even dare to question him about anything, that will consist of at least 30 mins of him telling me i'm a horrible person, expecially now since i'm not working. I have had numerous interviews, house is always clean, laundry done, he doesn't have to lift a finger. He complains how he works and I do nothing, that I am the most selfish person he knows, cause all I care about is how I feel, and not how all of this is my fault. 
Then I will ignore him for a day, he will ask for a hug or slap my a*s. I'm in a constant emotional roller coaster. I try every day to get him to see a different picture, what I believe is the truth. I have no clue what is wrong with me, and why I can't tell him to hit the curb. I say I know him like the back of my hand, that when I do try to talk to him, I know the reaction I'm going to get, and it won't be good, why do I still insist on doing this?!?
Like the answer is going to be something I want to hear. 

Im not a idiot, I know the right thing to do, the smart thing to do, but why can't i do it??! I'm about to lose it!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If ALL of what you say is true, then you've put up with a whole lot of bullsnot without so much as a whimper. 

Yet, you find the idea of divorce unsavory? How's that? He's already checked out of your marriage. He wants to deny you an emotional connection while maintaining those connections with other girlfriends. He is probably still having sex with them too. Don't you think?

What's the hold up? See a lawyer - the first appt may well be a free consultation. Go to a family law practice. Find out what your rights are. Start acting on them. Don't be a doormat. Don't sweep this under the rug. 

You have a future but not with this vile excuse for a human.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, so I've heard all the cons. What are the pros? Doesn't sound like there are many at all. What's to love about this man? Anything? He's done just about everything a person could do to humiliate you. So why won't you call a spade a spade and tell him you're done?

It really is mind over matter. People all the time say that they KNOW they should get rid of the cheater, but they still feel LOVE. This simply cannot be love. Love is generous and affirming. What you have is leftover chemicals creating an unhealthy obsession. Mind over matter. It's just an excuse to say you can't help yourself. You positively can. Just tell him.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

sea1117 said:


> *. . . Im not a idiot, I know the right thing to do, the smart thing to do, but why can't i do it??! I'm about to lose it!*


Dear sea1117,

My guess is that your inability to do the right and smart thing is due to uncertainty about the future and a lack of confidence -- which are perfectly normal feelings given your circumstances.

If you're not ready yet to separate from your husband and file for divorce, I suggest you start by looking for another job. That will get you out of the house and money of your own, and help you regain some independence. Also, get involved in some out-of-the-home activities (not bar hopping) to minimize even further your contact with your husband and help rebuild your self-esteem.

When you have to be around him, try to be pleasant (but nothing more) and avoid confrontation. Give yourself a chance to regain your self-confidence and, when you are ready, file for divorce. Don't tell him until you have and, when you tell him, do it calmly and matter-of-factly ("I'm sorry, honey, but I've had all I can take so I've filed for divorce. No hard feelings and I wish you well. I hope we can get along for the sake of the kids.")

The point is to take it one day at a time but to have a plan about how you are going to develop your physical and emotional independence from him until you have the courage and confidence to get out. If you have goals and can start making progress toward them, you will worry less about the present and be more immune to his bad behavior.

Wishing you the best.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to get yourself into some kind of therapy that will help you develop a healthy way (for you) of dealing with him and ultimately booting his lying cheating ass to the curb.

He sounds like an absolutely horrific person and I am so sorry you are caught up with him.


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