# Fiancee was already married.



## AmyGirl (Oct 19, 2010)

Im going to try to make this as short as possible while getting my story out. Ive been with my fiancee for 4 years now and we've been talking about getting married for 2 years. Just a few days ago I found out that he is already married. Too long to explain how I found out....
So I confronted him and he says that their relationship has been over for several years but they just never got around to getting a divorce. He also says that he has never had sex with anyone else while he has been with me, and he wants to earn my trust back. I love him very much but I dont know how or if we can get past this....He kept this huge secret for 4 years. What should I do?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Run away as fast as you can.
He's been lying to you since you met. It won't stop.


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## lovingmama (Oct 19, 2010)

You must feel horrible!
To lose trust in a loved one can be as devastating as a death, or divorce. 
The pain is actually physical.

I'm sure by now you know that it's not quite as easy to leave someone you love, "just like that", even though they hurt you.

Some people say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". I, personally don't believe this, but the road back to Trust is a long, painful one. Many people don't know what to do in such a situation, unless it happens to them, and as you are here, you, yourself don't know what to do. Everything that you believed in has been a lie, in your eyes.

If you have one shred of hope in your heart that this relationship can be saved, and if he is willing to do whatever it takes to help rebuild trust, consider giving it a shot. Take it very slow, and if it seems as if it's going somewhere, that's a start.

Good luck, sweetheart


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

lovingmama said:


> You must feel horrible!
> To lose trust in a loved one can be as devastating as a death, or divorce.
> The pain is actually physical.
> 
> ...


i agree with this.. some questions i have for you tho..

has he ever been with her?
talked to her?
emailed/texed/sextd her?
hung out with her?

if he has then it will be harder for you to forgive him, 

however, all is not lost, you can work thru this, and i feel you can get over this, whatever happened in the past needs to stay in the past, otherwise it fogs the present and makes a future harder to see. i am with lovingmama on this, just because they cheat once, does not make them a repeat offender.. cheating only happens in unstable relationships to begin with and spiral from there, they are Individual issues that are brought to the table.. each relationship you have will ALWAYS be different!

Example: my hubby was talking to his ex a few years ago while we were apart. was i mad? did i think he cheated on me? NOPE, because i trusted him, and he told me that he only talked to her because he wanted to know how she was. I did not "make a anthill over a stone". i trusted him, and since then he has not talked to her once, i think what he needed was closure for him. and i allowed him to do that... sorry to go off topic

But, it sounds like from what you have said, there really is nothing to worry about. i would just talk to him and find out just where he sees that old relationship going.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

> Some people say, "Once a cheater, always a cheater". I, personally don't believe this, but the road back to Trust is a long, painful one.


Maybe not, but a liar from the beginning is a liar to the finish...


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## AmyGirl (Oct 19, 2010)

well considering they are married he maintained contact with her. and also spent holidays there. they went places together also


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## lovingmama (Oct 19, 2010)

DanF said:


> Maybe not, but a liar from the beginning is a liar to the finish...


Dan, obviously I don't know you. I am going to just wager a guess that someone you love/loved hurt you deeply.

The reality is that when you truly love someone, it doesn't go away overnight.

No offense intended, believe me, but you sound bitter.

Not all people that cheat will do it again.

Not all people that lie are consummate liars. 

Not all people have a secret agenda.

Your 2 replies have been succinct.

This girl has been hurt deeply, and she needs more than terse, unemotional advise.

Once again, no offense intended


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

lovingmama said:


> Dan, obviously I don't know you. I am going to just wager a guess that someone you love/loved hurt you deeply.
> 
> The reality is that when you truly love someone, it doesn't go away overnight.
> 
> ...


No offense taken, but I disagree.
Yes, I have been hurt and my wife and I have reconciled and are doing wonderful together.

I am freakishly honest and to the point. My wife tells me to be nicer, that I don't always have to be so damn honest, but this is my way. I don't sugar coat things.
This situation is not about a developing relationship problem.
AmyGirl has known this man for 4 years and he just now got around to mentioning that he is married!
That is not only dishonest, but disgusting.
He is a liar. He will always be a liar. He lied about a marriage for 4 years. The next lie from him likely came shortly after she posted. There will be many more and she has the option of a little heartache now or much more later.


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## lovingmama (Oct 19, 2010)

DanF said:


> No offense taken, but I disagree.
> Yes, I have been hurt and my wife and I have reconciled and are doing wonderful together.
> 
> I am freakishly honest and to the point. My wife tells me to be nicer, that I don't always have to be so damn honest, but this is my way. I don't sugar coat things.
> ...


Good morning, Dan

You said that you were hurt, yet you and your wife were able to reconcile.
At one point, your wife must have been lying about "something", but you were able to forgive her.
I think it's possible for that in Amygirls case, if he can prove himself. 
All I'm saying is if she "wants" to give him a chance, she can. To love someone for 4 years is a long time.

Have a good day


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

How does Dan sound bitter because he called it like he saw it? The guy in the story has not told the truth since day one. They have been together for 4 years and he still didn't fess up. She found out! I don't think Dan telling her to run makes him bitter. It makes him sharp as a tack. Dan, I second your advice. Bravo.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I know I don't have all the facts here, but he lied about something like that? What's next- the "unpaid tickets" that are really felony arrest warrants? The "female friends whom you don't have to worry about", but turns out he's sleeping with them? The "missing money" that he swears are old college loan debts, but he's really paying child support for six kids in as many states? Or, how about the "smart investment" he talks you into, then he's run off to Costa Rica with your savings?
I know, I have an overactive imagination, but the guy comes across as a grade A scumbag. I'd drop him like a greased bowling ball.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

F-102,
Exactly!


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## diane (Oct 3, 2010)

Oh my god! That is a very big lie. If at least he told you once your relationship became serious like after a year or two...What if you didn't find out? That is a long time invested in a relationship! And what warranties that he will ever divorce?


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

Yes, it is going to be incredibly challenging to rebuild trust. You have been hurt. He will have to acknowledge it. You are going to question everything he does from now on because your trust has been broken. 

Now, he was definitely afraid to tell you this and so he kept that secret for 4 years until it came out. It doesn't sound like he wants to intentionally hurt you but it did regardless. He knew he messed up and now he is going to pay for it. You are not going to be easy on him.

I tell this to everybody on the internet with marital/relationship problems - go see couples' counselor with a lot of experience. Make sure you both like and respect the counselor - otherwise, it won't work.

Good luck. If there is love, then trust will be rebuilt if you both put efforts to saving this relationship. Don't get married until you see the counselor for at least 10 sessions!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ... Ive been with my fiancee for 4 years now and we've been talking about getting married for 2 years. Just a few days ago I found out that he is already married. ....
> So I confronted him and he says that their relationship has been over for several years but they just never got around to getting a divorce.


Oh? What does his STBX-wife say about that? Or have they been living together this whole time while he's stepping out on her? I would suggest that you talk to her directly--without necessarily telling him you are going to do that. You would probably/possibly get a somewhat clearer story from her. 



> He also says that he has never had sex with anyone else while he has been with me, and he wants to earn my trust back. I love him very much but I dont know how or if we can get past this....He kept this huge secret for 4 years. What should I do?


When you talk to his STBX-wife just ask if they've been living and sleeping together for the past 4 years. If the answer is yes, you end all contact with him, cry for a while, make a clean break and move on. On the other hand, if the answer is no, they've really been apart that whole time, I would suggest telling him you will not date or be with someone who's married, but you are willing to put things "on hold" for 6 months for him to get that taken care of and be FULLY AVAILABLE to be with you. Once he's fully available you can decide if you want to move forward or not. 

And just to make this clear, rather than face the consequences of his choices and be honest when it was a little scary, he chose to HIDE something from you for years. This speaks loudly of his character as a person. If the time ever occurred that he did cheat on you, he would probably be the kind to "keep it to himself because he didn't want to hurt you" rather than tell you the truth and let you know you might have an STD. So just keep that in mind as you decide if you want to move forward or not. I personally would find that a deal-breaker, but that's my personal opinion.


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## AmyGirl (Oct 19, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Oh? What does his STBX-wife say about that? Or have they been living together this whole time while he's stepping out on her? I would suggest that you talk to her directly--without necessarily telling him you are going to do that. You would probably/possibly get a somewhat clearer story from her.
> 
> I have spoken with her once and there really wasnt much she wanted to say to me. she says that her and his relationship has been over for many years and that im not the first girl he has cheated on her with. also he was with me 80% of the time apparently telling her hes going on buisness trips. she says that they have not had sex in 2 years....which would mean that he has had sex with her while he was with me. he says they have not had sex in over 4 years. I dont know what to believe.....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Believe her. You're being played.

I am sorry.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> Believe her. You're being played.
> 
> I am sorry.


Believe her. She has nothing to lose.
AmyGirl, this ******* has played you for a fool for 4 years and has been able to get away with it. You aren't the first, his wife is likely not the first, and you won't be the last.

*Run as fast and as far as you can.*


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I know that it is difficult but he is a deceptive person who has been pretending to be what he is not. He was essentially living a fantasy with you and living his real life with his wife. He did not care that someday it would fall apart he just wanted to enjoy the fantasy as long as it played out. 

It is not you, you just happen to have been unlucky enough to meet a person who cannot love anyone and has no compassion. He has a sociopathic personality. There is not fix, he will move on to some other poor unfortunate woman and before he leaves this earth will leave chaos in his wake.

Now for you, you have to make a difficult but surgical cut. He is not accustomed to that, he thinks he is smooth and can talk himself out of this one. It's a challenge to him to keep the fantasy going and make you believe it. It's all about him, he has no insides he is empty and the only way he feels good is to pretend he is someone he is not. 

This is probably the tip of the iceberg he may be stringing along a few other woman. His wife is telling you the truth don't be like her stuck in a terrible limbo with a soulless man. 

The best thing for you now is to move on and be successful in finding someone to love and who loves you. The best revenge will be your progress in life despite him. Show him how little he matters, show him that you loved who he pretended to be but not the person he really is. Let him know that that person is truly not lovable that is why he hid him. Tell him how much you pity him, you should, he is a miserable empty person.

What ever you do, be smart and stay focused on his actions, not his smooth talk. His actions are who he really is, a deceptive, lying cheating, disloyal, uncaring facsimile of a man. You should not be confused about that, if you see that, you will have no problem dropping all contact with him now. Don't ask questions he cannot give you any answer, you know all that you need to know. If you ask him questions it gives him the chance to continue living out the fantasy. The more you ask the more you will be drawn into his false life. 

You will of course grieve but that's because you are a person capable of love and that is good. When you heal you will be ready to move on and enjoy the rest of your life in a way he never will. He cannot take that from you but he would like to have a person like you love him but he is too empty to ever be loved. 

You however are not the same species as he. I wish you the very best and I am so sorry this has happened to you. But I know you will turn it into a victory, you do not sound like a victim.


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## JennaL10 (Oct 19, 2010)

AmyGirl said:


> Affaircare said:
> 
> 
> > Oh? What does his STBX-wife say about that? Or have they been living together this whole time while he's stepping out on her? I would suggest that you talk to her directly--without necessarily telling him you are going to do that. You would probably/possibly get a somewhat clearer story from her.
> ...


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## Belle703 (Nov 14, 2010)

A liar is a liar is a liar. Get out now, he won't change.


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## hkim (Nov 25, 2010)

AmyGirl said:


> Affaircare said:
> 
> 
> > Oh? What does his STBX-wife say about that? Or have they been living together this whole time while he's stepping out on her? I would suggest that you talk to her directly--without necessarily telling him you are going to do that. You would probably/possibly get a somewhat clearer story from her.
> ...


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