# Could my husband be aggressive?



## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

My husband and I have been happily as well as unhappily married for 20 years now. We both don't want to give up on the marriage, but sometimes I feel that I try to understand him a lot more than he tries to understand me. He has never been physically abusive with me, but today I got pretty scared when we were arguing and he pulled a knife and threatened to throw it at me. Needless to write, I think we need help. I'm willing to get help but he isn't. I need to talk with someone! My husband is a wonderful man and has lost control of his emotions for the first time. We need to stop arguing so much. But how?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

That is scary and reason for immediate intervention. He needs counseling, a.s.a.p., no excuses. Maybe that will lead to joint counseling, but he should make an appointment and go, and explain what he did and how it is out of character but scary to him, too, to be that out of control.

If you have kids, consider their safety and yours as compromised. Remember you can call 911 if you feel threatened again--document his behavior as best you can. Please stay in touch so we know you are safe.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

I'm not sure what to tell you about the arguing because I'm going through that myself but I echo sisters' concerns. Your husband threatened you. With a weapon. There is no question about it, he crossed a line. Did you tell him how much it scared you? If so, how did he react?

Insist on counseling. If your husband won't get counseling make an appointment for yourself. A good counselor will be able to give you a rational answer as to what your next steps should be and perhaps if you start counseling on your own your husband will follow.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

That is scary, Winnie! BTW, welcome to the forums!

I carry a knife on my person, as well as other TOOLS with which to do my job. I was taught a long time ago that you never pull a weapon unless you intend to use it, not even in anger (danger maybe). 

That he did could have been a sign of extreme frustration or anger. He NEEDS counseling! If there is any way to make him go, do it. Even if you have to start going yourself. 

Next time, file a police report! Please! Get it officially documented for your own safety. 

The next time might end up worse for everyone...you injured if not dead, any kids traumatized if not dead, him in jail for the rest of his life if not executed. 

There is NO excuse for that action! Although there may be a reason.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Winnie said:


> he pulled a knife and threatened to throw it at me.


If he refuses to get help, you can always file a police report which will not only make the police aware if you should disappear, but he will be forced to get help then.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Forcing him to get help - won't help. Which is fine if you want to move away from one another.

A good start would simply be to let him know that he frightened you and what should the ground-rules be to avoid either of you feeling that overwhelmed again.

So what are you arguing about so frequently?

Similar circumstance occured between my ex-wife and I when we were separated. We were arguing, and she told me to get out. I refused. She tried to leave the room and I wouldn't let her. It became apparent after that moment she was frightened. She believed that I intended to harm her - which was never the case, but both of us had crossed the threshold of reason and no longer had the ability to listen, or respond to, what the other was saying. 
So come up with rules.
- If it gets angry we end it
- set guidelines for what exactly you need to address, don't pull in other crap.
- Each outline the disagreement from the perspective of the other - that way you both understand the others position.

She truly believed that I was going to beat the crap out of her. It never crossed my mind, but I felt terrible that's what she thought.
I behaved the way I did out of frustration. I'm guessing your husband did the same. Pulling a knife and making a threatening gesture is incredibly stupid - but did you really truly believe that he wanted to harm you? Has he ever physically abused you previously?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Deejo, I disagree. Pulling a weapon is assault (threatening) and it is an act of intimidation, whether or not it is used. There is absolutely NO justification for it. Stupid does not begin to describe it. Holding someone from moving is also wrong, but it does not involve a weapon. There is a big difference. And even so, once one of you becomes physical in anyway, a lower threshold has been set for next time, making it easy to escalate.

I'm glad you and your wife worked out those guidelines, but I wouldn't even have that discussion if I were Winnie until her husband has been made aware of the very serious implications of his actions. 

Winnie, what did he say afterwards? Do you think getting him to counseling will be relatively easy--is he remorseful? Or, is he blaming you, "If you didn't make me so mad, I wouldn't have done it" kind of stuff? If the latter, that is classic abuser language. Run, don't walk, to a safe place while he gets help. Stay with friends or family, and take any kids. If he refuses to get help, get a restraining order so you and the kids can move back home and then make it clear to him that the order will remain in place until a therapist can reassure you that he has worked through his anger management issues. Best of luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Not disagreeing that this is a potentially dangerous situation. Just think we need more information.

There is no context around the event. Context paints whether the behavior is a pattern, or as in my case an extremely juvenile reaction to not being heard and feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated.

If he doesn't know how to control his anger, doesn't want to repair the relationship, and won't get help, then it becomes something very different.


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Forcing him to get help - won't help. Which is fine if you want to move away from one another.
> 
> A good start would simply be to let him know that he frightened you and what should the ground-rules be to avoid either of you feeling that overwhelmed again.
> 
> ...



No, I don't believe that he would truly hurt me. He has slapped me on the face 2 or 3 times during a heated argument, but not that hard. But then again, who knows if he does loose control once. The advice you give is well worth thinking about and applying. I need to learn to end it when it gets heated. But even then, many things in the relationship won't be sorted out. For example: After a hard day taking care of the family and household, I told my husband that I wanted to go out for a little while in the evening for a cup of coffee or a drink and if he wanted to come. He agreed, but when I came downstairs at 10:00, he still wasn't ready and was sitting in front of his computer. His answer was: You were upstairs and I didn't know that you still wanted to go out. But he knew it, because I only dress in good clothes and put make up on when I want to go out. I was pretty disappointed that he said that he would go out with me, instead of saying honeslty that he didn't feel like it. 
Another disagreement was today: I told him that I needed to discuss a matter concerning the household and couldn't wait. He said okay, I just needed to give him 2 minutes. 2 minutes turned out to be a half hour and even then he couldn't give me his attention. Me waiting for him caused my whole day to be disrupted. I told him that I had a tight schedule with appointments that I needed to be on time for, and I felt a lot of disrespect on his part. He didn't have any appointments that he needed to be on time for, but still made me wait so long for him. I could have made the decision myself, but he wanted to discuss this matter together as well. I had no time to eat lunch although I shopped for it in the morning, put the 6 bags of groceries away and cooked it (all within 2 hours!) and ran out to make the appointment. I thought, okay it's over with, and just looked forward to having my lunch at 3:00 o'clock to discover that he didn't leave me a plate of food. And so more frustrations built up between us. Even last night was our 20th anniversary, and I had to make the dinner reservation myself, since he never takes it upon himself to do it. I also had to make sure he got into the shower so that we'd be on time, but allin all it wasn't so bad, and turned out to be a nice evening.
So I think your advice about ending it when it gets angry is good advice, but this still doesn't make me feel understood. I feel as if I spend all the time understanding him and the children, but sometimes it would be nice if he could respect my feelings more. I think I will try counseling. I'm sure he won't go in the beginning and will deny that there is a problem, but maybe with time he will change his mind. Thanks for the good advice!


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## Veronica Jackson (Jul 2, 2008)

It is extremely unacceptable to threaten to throw a knife at anyone jokingly or otherwise.


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

Deejo said:


> Not disagreeing that this is a potentially dangerous situation. Just think we need more information.
> 
> There is no context around the event. Context paints whether the behavior is a pattern, or as in my case an extremely juvenile reaction to not being heard and feeling hurt, angry, and frustrated.
> 
> If he doesn't know how to control his anger, doesn't want to repair the relationship, and won't get help, then it becomes something very different.


My husband comes from a family that suppresses feelings and I come from one that expresses them. Being from two different cultures doesn't help either - he's Swiss and I'm American. Switzerland is known for it's tranquility, but the price to pay is the higher suicide rate here. I can't suppress my feelings and I do get angry (very) when I feel that my feelings aren't being considered. I give every effort to explain it to him calmly, but he just passively listens, which turns out to be a heated argument with nothing resolved.


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> That is scary and reason for immediate intervention. He needs counseling, a.s.a.p., no excuses. Maybe that will lead to joint counseling, but he should make an appointment and go, and explain what he did and how it is out of character but scary to him, too, to be that out of control.
> 
> If you have kids, consider their safety and yours as compromised. Remember you can call 911 if you feel threatened again--document his behavior as best you can. Please stay in touch so we know you are safe.


My husband has never done anything to the children. And this is one of the very few times he lost control for a moment. But still, it did scare me. But even when he did show I knife, I yelled at him that he should just go ahead and use or hit me and that will be my final line. If he did ever hurt me, I would leave him! But I don't want to ever get hurt by him, because I may never forgive him for it. So yes, I think we both need counseling so nothing does happen. We love each other very much, but the yelling needs to stop.


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

dcrim said:


> That is scary, Winnie! BTW, welcome to the forums!
> 
> I carry a knife on my person, as well as other TOOLS with which to do my job. I was taught a long time ago that you never pull a weapon unless you intend to use it, not even in anger (danger maybe).
> 
> ...


A police report is out of the question! But I would like to get counseling and try and convice him that it's necessary. But how?


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

Veronica Jackson said:


> It is extremely unacceptable to threaten to throw a knife at anyone jokingly or otherwise.


I definitely agree, and that's why I'm here to find support.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Why is a police report out of the question? It establishes history! You may never need it, especially with counseling, but you should have it!


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## TioMauricio (Jul 9, 2009)

Excuse me? Did you say he pulled a KNIFE on you? The second there was a sign of abuse you should have been out of there! What are you crazy? If that ever happens again call the cops on his ass!!


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

"My husband is a wonderful man and has lost control of his emotions for the first time".

He has slapped you "2-3 times" too?

All that pent up Swiss hostility is beginning to emerge. I would go to counseling on my own, then have the counselor bring him in, under the auspices of you "needing his input".


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I agree--slapping you ONCE was when you should have taken action. You are tolerating abusive behavior, and it will only get worse. Please, wake up to this reality. No man has EVER hit me, and if he did, that would be it--i'd call the cops and sue his ass if were weren't married. Physical violence is never, never, never ok, and threating to throw a knife is assault with a deadly weapon. You need to document this, even if you just talk to your therapist or doctor about it. And please do that; let them know how out of hand it got. You are trying to maintain peace with him by backing away from the incident, but that is what he wants and what will be most damaging to you in the long run. 

Abusive men will use their own children to hurt their partners so just b/c he hasn't hurt the kids yet, it's no guarantee he won't, down the road. Such men gain control by frightening their victim/partner. You are frightened. You don't want to read all this and you want to say, "But you don't understand. . ." Yes, we do, we've all read about domestic abuse and the insidious way it creeps into a relationship. You may be thinking "3 slaps and one knife threat in 20 years, what's the big deal?" It's a huge deal. It's totally abnormal and red-flag behavior--it's clear he CAN become physical. Do you really want to wait to find out how bad it can be?


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## Winnie (Jul 9, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> I agree--slapping you ONCE was when you should have taken action. You are tolerating abusive behavior, and it will only get worse. Please, wake up to this reality. No man has EVER hit me, and if he did, that would be it--i'd call the cops and sue his ass if were weren't married. Physical violence is never, never, never ok, and threating to throw a knife is assault with a deadly weapon. You need to document this, even if you just talk to your therapist or doctor about it. And please do that; let them know how out of hand it got. You are trying to maintain peace with him by backing away from the incident, but that is what he wants and what will be most damaging to you in the long run.
> 
> Abusive men will use their own children to hurt their partners so just b/c he hasn't hurt the kids yet, it's no guarantee he won't, down the road. Such men gain control by frightening their victim/partner. You are frightened. You don't want to read all this and you want to say, "But you don't understand. . ." Yes, we do, we've all read about domestic abuse and the insidious way it creeps into a relationship. You may be thinking "3 slaps and one knife threat in 20 years, what's the big deal?" It's a huge deal. It's totally abnormal and red-flag behavior--it's clear he CAN become physical. Do you really want to wait to find out how bad it can be?


Thanks for being so direct. I'll be seeking counseling and I think, with time, he'll join too.


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