# Considering separating due to lack of feelings



## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

I'm 39, and have been married 12 years to an older woman. She is unquestionably a wonderful person and an outstanding mother. She has supported me in my career which required several moves, and is a very caring selfless person. 

We were never hot an heavy when dating. She rejected my advances initially so I backed off. Later, she expressed an interest and so we started dating. Even after getting married, I didn't feel close to her physically. We had sex maybe twice, three times a month. It just didn't do it for me like it had with other women. She isn't into much other than being plain vanilla, and has trouble with orgasms. I basically wait for her to get herself off, then I finish. It sucks. A few months back she revealed to me that she has always felt guilty about some sexual encounters BEFORE we met. We talked about it a lot, and I did see a slight change in her in the bedroom - she was more relaxed. The problem is, I just don't feel like I love her.

I've been emotionally needy; self-esteem has been an issue. I know this. So I'm just not sure if maybe my lack of desire and feeling is because I've struggled with desire and feeling for MYSELF. 

I find myself wanting to have affairs because I feel that surely I can bond emotionally with someone else. Maybe so, but maybe I'd do the same thing to another person. Right now I feel as though it's all been a mistake, but we have a great friendship and family together so I just have to suck it up. I don't think I want her but how can I be sure. It's really making me sad - I don't want to hurt anyone but I need to feel differently about a partner.

Most couples who have sex issues at least start out having a reasonably health physical relationship. We never did - it was probably a warning sign back then.

This is a lot of rambling and doesn't do justice to a relationship of 12 years but shouldn't I know whether I love someone or not? Isn't it a pretty basic issue?


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## marykilner (Aug 20, 2012)

Im in the same spot, yet I am the women. I was wondering if your wife was every sexually abused? The way you talk about how she acts in bed makes me wonder. Did you ever feel passion for her? How old are your kids? This is a hard decision, and I am in the same boat.


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## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

Sexual abuse? No, I don't think so. Very normal family. From what I can tell, sex is in conflict with her "born again Christian" mentality. I don't pretend to know why.

My son is eight, going on nine. It's a mess.


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## marykilner (Aug 20, 2012)

Ok, so maybe she feels shame for some reason. In my view as a Christian, God created sex and it is good! But, I too am not attracted to my man. Have you tried counseling, or have you ever expressed these feelings to your wife?


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## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

Yes, I have expressed them. Sex doesn't feel right with her. I guess maybe it did once, I don't even remember.

We've done some counseling, and earnestly try. But my feelings haven't budged. 

I've got "the grass is greener" syndrome big time and that may be a factor in my emotional mindset right now. We have a LOT of good things in our life together. I'd do anything for her. But I don't want to be without physical and emotional bond forever.

I've had an emotional affair before. It was tough. It felt crappy and wonderful at the same time. I ended up not taking it further and regret it in some ways. How can a woman who makes herself so available to me emotionally NOT meet my emotional/physical needs? She's never denied me a thing!


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## marykilner (Aug 20, 2012)

I just have to agree with you, because this is exactly how I feel. I don't want to give up all we do have to go and find passion, that I may never find.


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## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

It's been five days since I posted this. Seen a counselor three times. My feelings aren't budging.

I thought separation was the stuff of fights, verbal abuse, etc. Never thought that a wrong marriage decision would manifest itself as two people who get along just living different lives for too long.


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## J Valley (Jun 28, 2012)

OP,

If you don't mind me asking, what is the age difference here?


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## Bolt73 (Aug 13, 2012)

Yes, thanks for asking. She is ten years older than I. 39 and 49.


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## J Valley (Jun 28, 2012)

She sounds more like a friend or a mother figure than a wife. Perhaps, both of you should take a romantic vacation together and see if you can re-ignite that spark.


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