# Can you fall back in love with your spouse?



## smylie

I'm going to be as brief as I can.

I've been married to h for 11 years, together for 12. I have 2 children from a previous relationship, and we have 2 together.

In our time together, we have been through an awful lot of counseling, and separated/reconciled twice.

Our main issues are his patterns of verbal abuse, and his drug use. 

Today I told him I wanted a divorce.
I have given up on our marriage. I don't respect him as a husband or a father. I don't love him. I don't want to even be in the same room as him, much less have sex. I dread the thought of evenings when we both get home from work. I have insane amounts of resentment built up towards him, and I wish I could forgive and forget but it's impossible when he just does the same things over and over that caused the hurt and resentment in the first place. 

Now I'm done hurting. I'm just done. I was much happier when we were separated last year. I went back for the kids, but also because he was making positive changes. I didn't love him then, but I thought it would come back with time and healing.

So since I told him today that I want a divorce, and that I don't love him, he wants to try counseling again.

My feeling is that counseling won't work because I don't want it to work. I just want it to be over. I told him if he was serious about changing then he should do individual counseling with the main goal being to get himself mentally healthy so he could be a better father and person. He says that if I just go with him, he'll make me so proud and I'll fall in love with him again. 

So my question is this: in anyone's experience, is it possible to love a spouse again in the way that is necessary for a marriage to thrive? After not loving them for so long? And just wanting to be rid of them? 

Thanks for any responses.


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## Shoeguy

Well smylie that is a tough one. I myself have no experience with this becasue I wasn't the one who wanted the divorce in my marriage but from the sounds of it you ahve already shut the door on the marriage.

It would appear that you have put effort in the correct places with counseling and a temp seperation. It comes down to fgure out what you need to see and want.

If he is using drugs he will probably say anything. Maybe the best place for him to show you how much he cares for you is to get clean. Getting clean would change him right there.

Sorry not much help.


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## Mavash.

My experience is that when you're to the point of wanting to be rid of someone it's almost impossible to come back from. You've been hurt so much and there is so much resentment that the amount of work it would take to overcome is just more than you are willing to do. And my guess is he really isn't THAT interested in fixing it anyway otherwise you wouldn't keep separating. Plus that whole "just go with me to counseling" is crap. That tells me he's just going through the motions so he doesn't have to face the loss and it won't last. Bargaining to keep someone never works.


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## smylie

His suggestion of counseling comes on the heels of yet another "epiphany"...the same epiphany that happened the previous times we separated.

It's like listening to a broken record. And now he's furious with me because I'm being irresponsible and destroying our family when he's "so willing to try and be a better person ". 

I know I sound bitter and cynical, but come on. He sounds sincere, and for our kids sake, I hope he does make positive changes. But it's too late for me.


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## Mavash.

smylie said:


> And now he's furious with me because I'm being irresponsible and destroying our family when he's "so willing to try and be a better person ".


He gets no sympathy from me. He had his chance to fix it and he obviously didn't. No he wants to blame it all on you. 

And I don't believe this either. If he was so willing you wouldn't be here. Don't listen to him. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do.


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## Mavash.

Oh and btw you don't ASK people like this for a divorce. You find an attorney, have papers served on them and move on.


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## smylie

Mavash, you are so right.

For so many years, I thought that the verbal and emotional abuse was normal. So I tried everything I could think of to help our marriage. I believed that if one spouse prayed enough, worked hard enough, and loved enough, that the other spouse would come around. It took me a while to wake up, realize that my dream of a happy family wasn't going to happen no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it.

Each time we separated, it was like this. He started to change. Each time, I started to believe that the change was permanent. I didn't love him like I used to, but I thought that going back to him was what was best for our family. I'm a child of divorced parents, and it's not something I ever wanted for my children.

But this time, I'm 99% sure that my kids will be okay, as long as h doesn't keep inviting them to his pity parties like he did the last time we were apart. He actually told them, "mommy doesn't love you anymore"!!! I was the one who had the kids the whole time we were separated! He told me he didn't want to see them often because it caused too much pain!!

Anyway, my plan now is to take the kids and move out. I work, I can support myself and the kids. I have a close knit family available for emotional support, and I know we'll be fine. It'll be tight, but I know how to be frugal. I don't want his help, I just want him to leave me ALONE.


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## lonelystar

You have already made a decision. Stick with it. Don't give up on yourself. Great things will come your way sooner than you think. :smthumbup:


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## smylie

Thanks lonelystar.
I'm really not even torn up about it. I was the first time we separated, but not now.

He's begging me for just one counseling session. I said no and he threw a hissy fit. He says I can't just throw it all away without trying. When I told him I did try, he said that it wasn't both of us working on it together. So now that he's ready (again) I'm just supposed to go along with it? It's pointless. I don't want to try.

Any suggestions for how to put it so that he knows I mean it? 

My biggest issue with packing up the kids and moving tomorrow is that we've had a mini vacation planned ay the end of the month with the kids and they will be utterly devastated.

I don't want to turn their world upside down and then take that away from them too.


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## sisters359

It might be possible, of course. Theoretically anything is possible. 

He needs to prove he is serious by letting you go, and becoming the man he claims he can be. If you are still unattached when that happens, he can try again. But make it clear you are NOT waiting around for him. You will heal--and that may take a couple of years--and then YOU will be moving on. 

The point is, you have done what you can. When someone stomps on us over and over again, they lose the right to say, "give me one more chance!" He can blame you all he wants, but both you and he know who is really at fault. 

It's hard with kids, and if their dad abandons them because he isn't man enough to accept the consequences of his own actions, then you can get them into counseling, too. As they get older, they will learn it wasn't their fault and that drug addiction takes loved ones away from us in irretrievable ways. Encourage any contact you can, but limit it to supervised visits if he is manipulating them. Be sure to document his drug use so you can get sole custody until he is sober. But again, keep his dad in their life as much as you safely can. Don't use his drug use or other issues to keep him away--too hard on the kids. 

Good luck.


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## Mavash.

smylie said:


> Any suggestions for how to put it so that he knows I mean it?


He won't know you mean it until you actually LEAVE. Seriously. All your talking and he never listened then did he?

On the vacation I see your point. How old are the kids? If I was in that situation I'd probably tell mine sorry but it's just not happening and I'd leave. That is as long as I had somewhere to go and could afford it.


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## smylie

My kids are 7,10, 13, and 14.

They've been through so much in the past couple of years. We just lost our huge old century home to foreclosure, they had to leave the only school they've ever gone to, and they've been through 2 separations already. 

I really don't want to take this from them. I think I can hold out for another week, but the tension is excruciating.

I do have someplace to go, and I can afford it. It's small but it's in our old neighborhood so at least they'll be back in familiar surroundings.

I'm afraid if I stay another week, he'll think I'm changing my mind.

I'm so up in the air on this point. It seems minor, but they've had some major upheavals lately.


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## Mavash.

smylie said:


> It seems minor, but they've had some major upheavals lately.


Um no actually it seems pretty major to me.

From where I sit whether you leave now or in a month it won't really make that much of a difference. So what if thinks you've changed your mind. Let him think that. What do you care? LOL


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## smylie

I have to just remember that I'm not responsible for what he thinks.
I'm certainly not saying or doing anything to indicate that I'm wavering in my decision, so if he chooses to see my commitment to follow through with our previously planned trip with the kids as something more, that's his problem.


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## Mavash.

Alls fair in love and war. My best friend was divorcing her narcissist husband and I had to talk her down on many occasions to put her feelings/needs above his. He was so stupid that if she was polite to him he thought she had changed her mind (by that point he'd already been served papers). She stayed because she had to save money to leave. She kept wanting to tell him things like "oh I found a house and I'll be leaving in 2 months" like somehow he needed to know. I was like are you kidding me? You served him with papers what more does he need to know? LOL

Same with you. You've told him of your intentions. It's on him if he chooses to believe otherwise. His thoughts and feelings are his problem not yours.


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## lonelystar

Smylie, 

Your husband is probably used to the routine of the two of you being together. He does not want to break it because he is afraid to move on and uncertain of the future. However, if you don't see yourself with him, it will only prolong the agony. Do you think life will get better with him? 

I can't say anything about the situation with the kids, as I don't have any myself. I don't know what I would have done...

Anyway, good luck!


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## This is me

A year ago my wife was "done". There was no solution in her mind. It was a tough long year, but we are in love again.

So the answer to your title is: yes

In the end it was likely a mid-life crisis that put her in a funk of unhappiness and with most MLC's the spouse becomes the fall person. I mean you have to blame someone, not self.

I am not saying this is you, but consider it especially if you are between 35 annd 55. Not to mention the chemical changes some of us go through during these years.

MC and patience can produce love again.


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## sisters359

So if he chooses to live in De Nile, then you can't do much about it. I agree with Mavash; calm reminders of what is coming--when it is natural to give them--are probably a good idea for everyone.

I think is wonderful that you have been able to find a place in the old neighborhood; that will be very beneficial for the kids.

If you have been the primary caregiver and your treatment of the kids remains the same, they will not likely experience a difficult transition. Kids love both their parents, but they are much more connected to the primary care giver, whether that is mom or dad. Losing the primary caregiver is much more traumatic. 

I think I said before, make sure he stays connected to them if you can. I honestly worry that he will refuse to see the kids (like with his crappy excuse before) as a way to hurt you, b/c he knows the only way to hurt you is to hurt the kids. It is very sick, and I have to think from what you have said, that he is a sick individual (damaged, I mean). Untill he gets help, he will not improve, and he won't get help, because he doesn't think he is the problem.

So yeah, counseling for the kids. Family counseling--including him--might be a good idea in the future. Divorced families can join in family counseling. But rely on the therapist(s) to help guide such decisions.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My ex h never gave up his drug and abusive habits. Plus he's a serial cheater. I left 18 years ago and is behavior is worse then ever.

You can't change anyone unless they are willing to change themselves. Abuse and illegal drug use is a major deal breaker for me. Both are very poor examples for children.

When I left my ex, I made him go through drug, parenting and anger management classes before he was able to get supervised visits. I did NOT trust him with my child. He would even drive while under the influence. 

I was emotionally disconnected from my ex during our marriage by the way he treated me. I tried therapy, but it was useless and I went my separate ways.

Life is so much better now. I remarried a very decent man who puts my needs before his own. It's so nice to be treated the right way and respected.

I wish you the best! Good luck.


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## deejov

smylie said:


> His suggestion of counseling comes on the heels of yet another "epiphany"...the same epiphany that happened the previous times we separated.
> 
> It's like listening to a broken record. And now he's furious with me because I'm being irresponsible and destroying our family when he's "so willing to try and be a better person ".
> 
> I know I sound bitter and cynical, but come on. He sounds sincere, and for our kids sake, I hope he does make positive changes. But it's too late for me.


He can and should make the positive changes, but not for your benefit. For himself, and the kids. That might earn your respect, but maybe not your emotions.


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## Knoxvillekelly

Relationships are up and down. You will fall in and out of love. The love will be stronger and weaken over time. THings change. Its up and down and back up again. Its called marriage!


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## deejov

Knoxvillekelly said:


> Relationships are up and down. You will fall in and out of love. The love will be stronger and weaken over time. THings change. Its up and down and back up again. Its called marriage!


Yes, that's normal. Except when addictions are present, and not resolved, it's hard to even work on a marriage. It's the 3rd person tearing it apart.


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## Going Mental

:iagree::iagree:
The same thinking/psychology does not apply when drugs, abuse, and in some circumstances, mental illness. 

This thread is the closest I have seen to my own circumstances as I too am wondering, if it the flame can really be relit. I just haven't reached that no turning back point yet, because my H(?) is sincerely making an effort to get well, and repair our marriage. 

By far the best book I have read about this subject is Should I Stay or Should I Go by Lundy Bancroft & Jac Patrissi. The best part is that this one actually covers the how to tell if its likely to work out for you. Wish I'd read this 2 years ago. It actually validates a lot of what counsellors will devalue (ie you must forget the past, only look forward)...like I said the same rules don't apply to marriages with the issues mentioned above.


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## smylie

I am so thankful for all of the opinions I have been getting on this subject. 

Due to some things that happened over the weekend, (he got drunk, pinned me down, and masturbated in my face because I tried to leave the room) I decided to temporarily move the kids and myself into our old house that hasn't sold yet.

He came to see the kids today and we were able to sit them down and talk to them together. The 3 oldest were fine, (for now, but one of them has a tendency to hold her emotions in, and it comes out later as anger) and the youngest was heartbroken. By the time h left though, she was feeling a bit better.

I have to say that I'm fairly shocked that he was able to remain calm and reassuring to the kids, it's always been the exact opposite. I'm not assuming that he's turned around or anything, but it was a refreshing change.


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## meowmers

To answer your original question, yes, it is possible to fall back in love. The problem here is that you can't fix his problems. He is abusive. That isn't your fault and it is not the fault of the marriage. Staying would only allow the behavior to continue while he promises that it won't. 

I hope that you are doing ok and that you are staying strong!


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## Going Mental

> he got drunk, pinned me down, and masturbated in my face


Power & abuse  You have made a step in the right direction methinks


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