# My Perfect 7 but sex appeal lacks



## McWop (Oct 11, 2011)

Read this first...then think about reading on:
Though my problem seems to be a common one (of sorts) -- I want to start by saying that I DO NOT want the help of Bible-thumpers or bitter-EXs still on the angry-train. I'm looking for unbiased, adult commentary from genuinely open people. 

The EX:
I had a beautiful wife (now an EX) who was and is a physical stunner. Even after 12-years together, the chemistry between us was sizzling. We are both much better looking than average so that part was/is a major factor in the sex appeal equation. But as an adult I've learned the hard way that these things are fleeting. My EX was not a good wife nor a good partner. I frankly had to leave her because our marriage was killing me, not that I fell out of love. It's so strange to say - because I am a 6'1" well-built man - I left because I was abused. Well emotionally anyway...which to me was worse than physical as I could have dealt with bruises and a black eye versus the heartache and relentless mind-games. 

New Girlfriend - The Perfect 7
My girlfriend is everything that I know I need to be happy in the long-run; she is giving, caring, strong-minded but fair, a good mother (she has a beautiful son), overachiever/accomplished, and just an outright amazing person. 

But NO Spark!!!
However, on the looks scale, she is just above average (6 out of 10). I obviously knew this going in but being in my mid-30s I didn't want to get stuck in pattern of "chasing hot tail". I can easily attract young beutiful women but don't really want to as this is a dead-end street. Living in L.A., there are plenty of hot bodies, but fewer good souls. 

Anyway, I call my girlfriend a Perfect 7 because even though she's probably a 6/10 on looks, she gets a bonus point for character, heart, and personality. She is perfect...except for the sexual chemistry...

Day in and day out I love her...but then we get to bed and there's just nearly zero va voom!. She is super attracted to me - which I can tell - and wants sex all day and night. But for me, I just am not that attracted to her. 

I'm really trying...but she has such a mommy-body (big boobs, wide[ish] hips, unwanted jiggle and wiggle in the trunk)...and is a bit too clumsy in bed (men know what I mean...it only works for Carmen Diaz). The mommy-body is a problem because I'm Italian and many of my female family members have this body-type. I watched all of them constantly struggle with their weight, complain about sore backs from DD boobs, and just way too much junk in the trunk spilling out everywhere. 

Plan A: I'm such a shallow @ss-hole 
I'm forcing her to get more active and regularly get to the gym. Our regular dates are turning into hiking and biking and I find myself trying to starve her sometimes. Is this mean of me? She has been on a diet and is working out but it's not getting any results. I'm very well versed in nutrition and in the gym but I don't have time to personally work with her much more than I already do. I'm thinking about asking her to get a personal trainer so she gets better results. Big sigh... 

Plan B: All In My Head
Maybe it's all in my head? I see other men check her out all the time...which doesn't surprise me as I know many men find big boobs and butts attractive. 

Yes, I still have the hots for my EX so don't waste my time by saying this is the problem. I find other women extremely attractive - and yes - they look like her, which is lean, lanky, dancer bodies with an youthful grace. 

Uggghh!!! I don't want to break up with her because I'm not attracted to her. What do I tell her? “I don't find you sexy but maybe if you got in much better shape I might?" This would be honest but seriously but the kind of stuff that ruins good people. 

Someone have a good answer? 

McWop


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seems like you put a lot of emphasis on physical beauty. And yes, I will call you out and say you come across as shallow in your post.

Nonetheless, the issue here is you are not sexually attracted to your girlfriend. While it's great you want her to go hiking and running and whatnot, even if she does those things, will the "spark" be there for you?

I am a firm believer in that you either have a spark with someone or you don't. 

To me, it's not something that can be created. It's there or it isn't. Oh sure, people can fall in love over time and blah blah blah but to me it sounds like you're "just not that into her."

Which is fine, too. If you aren't attracted to her in "that way" then it's best you cut this off now instead of later down the line when she is way more emotionally invested in your relationship and it ends it a lot of unncessary heartbreak. Stringing someone along in the interim because you are "waiting" for that spark to get there is counter-productive. Not to mention, it wastes both of your time.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Sexual attraction is crucial to a relationship. As you have discovered, it is not the only thing that matters; men and women need to be both emotionally and sexually compatible to make a marriage work. 

Let her go, and keep looking for the one who offers all that you need. Telling her to get a personal trainer is insulting. You will make each other miserable if you long for something she does not have.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Sounds like you need to keep looking. I tend to agree - the spark is either there - or it ain't.

Kind of also thinking her "size" may go down - or up - but her body type will still be pretty much the same.

Good luck!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I love Gizmo!


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

The spark is there or it isn't. In your case, it isn't. Time to move on. BOTH of you will be happier in the long run.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> I love Gizmo!


Thx! I really like when he's driving...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I've had amazing chemistry with 4's (based on that stupid scale) and had no chemistry with 8s. I don't do 10s...too high maintenance lol.

You do sound shallow though. Maybe because you're from LA. I'm from LA too...I hate it and can't wait to move. 

Stop trying to change her and let someone love her for HER. Go find your barbie doll and leave this woman alone. How rude. You say you were abused emotionally, I wonder how your gf feels about your feelings towards her. Don't say she doesn't know--- women are smart. She knows.


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## Dax (Jun 11, 2011)

I know where you're coming from and my opinion may sound shallow and mean, but it's reality.

Dump her. Not only are you not attracted to her she has a kid from someone else. I've had exes that were a bit chunky and tried to make them lose weight but it didn't happen. 

My wife now is super skinny and we have decent compatibility. Of course she has some things I don't like about her, but everyone does. After 3 years of marriage, I still find myself sexually attracted to her. All my previous exes, after year 2 I lost that attraction. I'm attracted to skinny girls though. Everyone is different.

Find someone like your ex but with a better personality.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with the rest, physical attraction is there or it is NOT. This is just reality. You can't muster it up, won't work. 

My husband is a through & through Nice Guy (backwards, passive), his "sex rank" would have been dragging somewhere near the ground when we met -because he is so NON Alpha in personality. What made me take a chance with him ---HIS LOOKS. 

Some of us are just shallow in this way. Accept who you are, don't fight it, find another. 

She gets looks from other men, she will be fine. Someone else will come along and see her as his "queen" as it should be. Don't deny her that.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dump her. She will find a man who adores her for who she is, a sexy woman with curves and not a man who is so hung up on his ex and "sacrificing" not chasing young hot tail for her sake.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I've had amazing chemistry with 4's (based on that stupid scale) and had no chemistry with 8s. I don't do 10s...too high maintenance lol.
> 
> You do sound shallow though. Maybe because you're from LA. I'm from LA too...I hate it and can't wait to move.
> 
> *Stop trying to change her and let someone love her for HER. Go find your barbie doll and leave this woman alone. * How rude. You say you were abused emotionally, I wonder how your gf feels about your feelings towards her. Don't say she doesn't know--- women are smart. She knows.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Seems like you put a lot of emphasis on physical beauty. And yes, I will call you out and say you come across as shallow in your post.
> 
> Nonetheless, the issue here is you are not sexually attracted to your girlfriend. While it's great you want her to go hiking and running and whatnot, even if she does those things, will the "spark" be there for you?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

...I also wonder if her sexual "clumsiness" is related to how you interact with her. Cut her loose before it gets more serious and give her a chance to find a man who will embrace all of her wonderfully sexy jiggly bits and sees the complete allure of who she is, thus (yes I felt like saying thus) also potentially eliminating her need to appear _clumsy_ in the bedroom in the first place.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Do her a favor and let her go now and be honest. 

I swear I read posts and steam comes out of my ears. I am in a relationship with a woman I adore. By no means does she look anywhere near the woman I married 27 years ago but I can only see a 10. The problem lies in that she see's me and see about a 4-5. It completely sucks. She seeks me out a couple times a month when she just has to have it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Makes me feel like a bible thumper and bitter ex all rolled into one. Let her go. She deserves to be loved, and the feelings you portray would literally destroy her if she ever read this. It really doesn't even mean that you are a bad person, that's not what I'm trying to say. When you are able to objectively classify another person in a way that boils them down to only a mediocre summation, then its a good indication that she isn't the right one.


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## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

Ive been where you are sort of. 

Im not a 10 but have had satisfying luck with woman. I am now happily married 11 years to the total package.

My prior relationship of five years was the first non sexual attraction issue I had with a wonderful friend. The companionship was awesome but there was just no sizzle. It doesnt work. 

You are overcomoensating at the moment from one extreme to the other. Although your current relationship is a nice person you need both. 

You need to keep looking. Running her around tread mill isnt going to work. It doesnt matter if you are shallow or not, What works for you is what works for you. 

Best wishes


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

McWop said:


> Read this first...then think about reading on:
> Though my problem seems to be a common one (of sorts) -- I want to start by saying that I DO NOT want the help of Bible-thumpers or bitter-EXs still on the angry-train. I'm looking for unbiased, adult commentary from genuinely open people.
> 
> The EX:
> ...


I thought at first, when reading this post that it was some kind of joke...but no. You're just an egotistical shallow person...how on earth did you even get together with Ms. 6/10 (+ one for personality, how gracious of you) if you're not even attracted to her? Do her a favor, dump her, and go chase your 'hot tail' - Look out LA, here he comes!

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

Bless HER heart! You sir, sound like a douche! LOL! Not because you are attracted to skinny people, but because you "hooked up" with her in the first place, KNOWING you weren't attracted. Yikes.


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## McWop (Oct 11, 2011)

Thanks everyone. These are all good posts - and so many witty writers among the bunch. I am a shallow, disgusting, Hollywood filthbag - and I know it - but even monsters need help every now and then. 

I went through old photos of girlfriends and found that I’ve been attracted to many body-types in the past. Ironically, I found my girlfriend through an online dating site and chose her because of my initial attraction to her. She has alluring green eyes and bright smile and it drew me in. 

More irony…
I was NOT overly attracted to my EX in the beginning because in her 20s she was so skinny she looked like flat, stringy 12-year old girl…which is not my type (seriously). Over the years, and after our first child, she blossomed into a beautiful and elegant woman…filled out a bit and looks more like a woman than anorexic schoolgirl. I was so horny in my early 20s it didn’t much matter I suppose. Now I seem to need a bit more I guess…

Back to the girlfriend
I don’t know what’s going on in my head and perhaps I need to take a time-out. I refuse to tell her that there is no chemistry and that would break her spirit. I’d have to come up with a different reason. 

Addressing “Clumsy” (for fun)
Some women are a bit of a bull in a china shop during sex and prone to nearly falling off the bed, constantly bumping a head on the headboard (perhaps where it got its name?), and giving glancing blows with elbows and knees. When I think about her doing this…it does make me laugh. 

And by the way, I hate the “looks scale” but it serves a purpose to illustrate my state of mind. 

P.S. due to stress I gained a lot of weight and got very unhealthy in the middle of my marriage and my EX completely pulled away from me. I did lose the weight with hard work and much healthier now but the damage was already done. She developed eyes for our neighbor who was an Olympic trainer who looked like a body-building John Travolta from his younger days. She also had an emotional affair with an old boyfriend who is totally different than me and made it clear that she had the hots for the tatoo’d, skinny, rockstar types….which is what she is dating now. 

I must be so screwed up in the head.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Here's a tip. If you are attracted to a woman because of her DD breasts, before you go all wonky about a long-term thing--go look at her mother and other relatives to see at what point they chunked out. Because it happens.

And since that is the most important thing in a relationship, make sure you bug out before that time.

Then repeat this exercise many times over until you drop out of the 10 zone and have to "settle."

BTW, a word of warning. You may have already dropped out of the zone, you've been slumming it already. 

BTW II, If you redefine what constitutes a "10" you may get an uptick in your own sagging rating.


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## McWop (Oct 11, 2011)

And one more thing. I'm being honest unlike most people who post on this site. Too many are on their best behavior and overly altruistic, which is never going to vet out an useful answer.

We are all attracted to people for different reasons; for most - a major one is physical chemistry. Other than my daughter, I’ve never loved anyone at first sight. My love and attraction grows – but yes – taking care of yourself is a big factor for me regardless. I’ve watched too many of my family members die young because they let their body go. Obviously this is deeply rooted in my psyche and will always be there. I’m attracted to people who exude health and vitality - probably as a direct result of losing loved ones so early in life.


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## McWop (Oct 11, 2011)

NoIssues said:


> Ive been where you are sort of.
> 
> Im not a 10 but have had satisfying luck with woman. I am now happily married 11 years to the total package.
> 
> ...


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## JrsMrs (Dec 27, 2010)

Do both of you a favor and make up some excuse to split up. 
I'm probably your idea of a 'perfect 7' and I have a similar body to what you're describing of her. I would be absolutely MORTIFIED if I found out that my boyfriend or partner was thinking about me the way you're thinking of your girlfriend. The thought of having been all eager in bed, and knowing he had been laying there thinking how I wasn't really attractive enough for his tastes and he didn't really have 'it' for me... wow. Talk about devastating.
You're entitled to your priorities, but you need to find someone who meets your expectations rather than all the time thinking she's not good enough for you unless she slims down. You deserve someone who meets your standards, and she deserves someone who gets butterflies when he thinks of her.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You do sound shallow though. Maybe because you're from LA. I'm from LA too...I hate it and can't wait to move.
> 
> .


My husband is from LA, isn't it full of fat ppl only the kids seem to be thin well most of them  that and mexicans. 

My other family are from LA as in cousins and such and i travel back and forwards, so i've seen LA quite a bit.

I love the comment about the mummy body so vain and shallow, my mother said to me after my first baby after standing in front of her naked, that i had now a fantastically beautiful body, thanks nature and genetics. 

But isn't it more than just a body, i think your personality comes across as very shallow which is quite a turn off with anyone i should imagine that has some intellect i'm sure you'll find a bimo that will hang on your every word.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Well, I'm agnostic and I wouldn't say I'm bitter as much as I'm jaded. Sounds like you really wanted diverse opinions! 

Anyway, it'll probably be better for the both of you if you continue your search and let the woman continue hers. If you don't feel the desire now, I can't imagine it's going to improve over time.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

cloudwithleggs said:


> My husband is from LA, isn't it full of fat ppl only the kids seem to be thin well most of them  that and mexicans.
> 
> My other family are from LA as in cousins and such and i travel back and forwards, so i've seen LA quite a bit.
> 
> ...


I don't know which part of LA you are from, but that isn't where I am from! :rofl:

But the kids aren't thin. OMG....I'm a teacher in the hood and no, they are NOT thin. A few weigh more than I do (I'm average/lean) and they are 10 and not even 5 feet!


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't know which part of LA you are from, but that isn't where I am from! :rofl:
> 
> But the kids aren't thin. OMG....I'm a teacher in the hood and no, they are NOT thin. A few weigh more than I do (I'm average/lean) and they are 10 and not even 5 feet!


hahaha :lol: Fullerton family, my fathers sister and cousins, but i'm from nr london uk.

thinks it must be all the growth hormones in the meat that is allowed in the us, eats organic and free range.


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## Wheels65 (Jul 17, 2011)

YOU think that you are that high on the scale of looks...trust me not everyone will think the same and you might find yourself on the same end of the stick she's on now...yes it can happen  Also the woman you consider a 7 is a 10 to others so keep that in mind

But if this is all too much for you, bail


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