# Am i doing too much....



## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

First time user, so thank you for looking at post...

so a little background been with my wife 16 years married 4

last year around may, june i started to become overwhelmed with stress due to stress and other things going on within my life....due to this i shut down as a husband. i stopped communicating with my wife, she wanted to talk about kids, sex, our marriage and would avoid tough topics, and the result was her feeling pushed away.

December comes around and i realize i needed to make changes as a husband, but also within myself, at the same point my wife started to become distant, angry and resentful with how she talked to me and how she was acting, come to find out that she was having an emotional affair, with some random guy.... her reasoning was she felt like she needed to feel desired...of course i took a step back and said lets get through this together.

as manh of you know cheating has a big impact myself in terms of becoming insecure because of her what she had actions, since then she has stopped the EA, yet even with her saying she be an open book other things began to happen. there were time where i caught her lying to me about where she was going, and finding herslef working later hours, becuase she was avoiding being home, becuase as she felt she didnt need the be home and be confronted all that was going on...

so these past three months have been the most diffcult for me, i lost weight due to stress, kissing my wife happend only when she went to work or before bed....arguments always resulted in her bring up the ast, and all the things i did or didnt do....it felt like i was waking on eggshells at times, so my uestion is this was much as im trying to be patient there are times where it becomes diffcult due to how she tries to take repsponsibaility for the hrt that she cuased or her lack of trying to understand how her actions impacted me. 

ive come to the conclusion that i know that i am committed to making my marriage work, ive asked her if she still loves me, and she does, yet mentions that she has a hard time forgetting the past, and is still resentful about how was last year. she even tells me that in makes her upset that i can make changes within myself to become a better husband and partner. i am at the point where i know i love my wife, but am getting tired of not being able to have my voice heard, or fearing to bring something up just to avoid a fight with her......due to it being my feeling guilty, and her acting out and not being apart of trying to work at it together

i know im looking fora sign of good things... this past month has been a huge improvement in terms of us having fun and talking, and feeling like we use to as a couple, but at the same time i feel unappreciated with things that i do, or the fact that even with all of this happening im willing to look past things and just live and love in the moment, where she is the opposite.......so at point i have started IC, and have learned how to handle my insecurites, but still struggle with my wife resentment and anger which i feel are keeping her just learning how to move foward...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

somewhere i recall some sort of vows that sounded something like "for better or for worse"........

the vows didn't say "for better or for worse, but in case of worse, give your self to another man until things get back to the better".

EVERYONE goes through hard time that effect them. that doesn't give your wife a license to now hold that against you.

an emotional affair? without a doubt there is probability its more than that.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

x598 said:


> somewhere i recall some sort of vows that sounded something like "for better or for worse"........
> 
> the vows didn't say "for better or for worse, but in case of worse, give your self to another man until things get back to the better".
> 
> ...



for me thats the point with all the crap i get i still try to be a good husband, still do things around the house, compliment her, just present in general. and yes i agree and have told her how much of a coward she was for having an EA, for being selfish.

and i get frustrated, i know i cant take away the past, yet im ata loss with how she can hold onto the resentment... she tells me now it is on my terms our marriage should be ok now? evn though i told her im her for her, and our marriage

i ve take nstps to take care of my self either by going to the gym or IC, yet with all of that it sucks that i wake up every day and try to look at the bright side of things and be appreciative of everything, but at some point i refuse to be ina one sided marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are some books that will help you. they are all by Dr. Harley. There are links to them in my signature block below.

"Surviving an Affair" - read this one to get a plan for dealing with her affair. You are at the point where she has to go no-contact and you start working on our marriage. The book gives you a plan of action.

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" - These two books are for you both to read and work together on what they tell you to do. They explain how to make your marriage as affair proof as possible.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

EleGirl said:


> There are some books that will help you. they are all by Dr. Harley. There are links to them in my signature block below.
> 
> "Surviving an Affair" - read this one to get a plan for dealing with her affair. You are at the point where she has to go no-contact and you start working on our marriage. The book gives you a plan of action.
> 
> "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" - These two books are for you both to read and work together on what they tell you to do. They explain how to make your marriage as affair proof as possible.


thank you for the book's ideas ill look into them, there are times where i feel helpless with how she acts or even talks to me, i am all for working asa team to make this marriage work, her thought was i didnt love her, yet it sadly took all this for me to become a better husband, and it sad to think she mad that i am making changes, when i thought she would support them.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> for me thats the point with all the crap i get i still try to be a good husband, still do things around the house, compliment her, just present in general. and yes i agree and have told her how much of a coward she was for having an EA, for being selfish.
> 
> and i get frustrated, i know i cant take away the past, yet im ata loss with how she can hold onto the resentment... she tells me now it is on my terms our marriage should be ok now? evn though i told her im her for her, and our marriage
> 
> i ve take nstps to take care of my self either by going to the gym or IC, yet with all of that it sucks that i wake up every day and try to look at the bright side of things and be appreciative of everything, but at some point i refuse to be ina one sided marriage.


whats wrong with your logic is you see her treating you disrespectfully because of "the difficulties of what she went through when you weren't at your best".

the truth is...she used that as an excuse for an emotional and most likely a physical affair. The crappy treatment you are now seeing, around here known as "affair fog" where she felt sooooo good getting her needs met by another man.

instead of being happy and loving now that you are out of your rut.....the affair continues and she will just treat you like dirt.

read in the CWI section and you will see how common your story is, and how the affair doesn't die off and even if it did...the effects linger on as you are now seeing.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> thank you for the book's ideas ill look into them, there are times where i feel helpless with how she acts or even talks to me, i am all for working asa team to make this marriage work, her thought was i didnt love her, yet it sadly took all this for me to become a better husband, and it sad to think she mad that i am making changes, when i thought she would support them.


it ALL a charade. its justification of and to continue the affair.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

So here is my dilemma.... with al that has been happening with me and my wife, it is very cler that she has a lot of anger and resenment. last night for example she asked me to sleep on the couch, due to still being upset with me, the moment i tell her that it is not right, she tells me that once again i cannot listen to what her wants and needs are, adn that im being selfish. 

this morning the moment i feel i made the mistake of trying to speak with her about what has been going on due to her getting upset, and telling me that I set the for her day. frustrating part bout this is she still holds on too past hurt, and even still when little arguments occur she has a habit of holding on, and telling me things like im not listening to what she wants, and changes ive made to better myself as a husband are too much, and feel overwhelming to her.

So im ata loss, im getting frustrated with how she treats me at times, and i feel there are moments when i do share how im feeling she does not meet me half ways.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She's in love with somebody else

If you want to keep her, you better be willing to lose her.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

ive asked that question to myself many times that she is in love with someone else....looked for the signs, she given me permission to look at her phone and other accounts, even after the whole Emotional affair. even after all that she has been honest with me, the difficult part about all of this is the communication, there are times where she is willingto talk about everything, but when it comes to us she gets overwhelmed, and shuts down when diffcult topics come up( not just emotional affair). All these years she has never been one to handle stress very well.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Bestofme said:


> So im ata loss, im getting frustrated with how she treats me at times, and i feel there are moments when i do share how im feeling she does not meet me half ways.


Eventually you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

ButtPunch said:


> Eventually you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


yes, i agree there are days where things get diffcult for me, in terms of feeling assured things are ok within my marriage, but its ore of how she acts, and the things she does that make it diffcult for me. There are time where she will try to make me feel guilty when i share how i feel about somthing, or moments where we have arguments and she say sorry, but her ations say otherwise..... for me its more the exuses for why she talks to me the ways she does, Ive gotten toa point where letting things slide are being replaced with resentment with things that she is doing, and i do not like having those feelings.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> So here is my dilemma.... with al that has been happening with me and my wife, it is very cler that she has a lot of anger and resenment. last night for example she asked me to sleep on the couch, due to still being upset with me, the moment i tell her that it is not right, she tells me that once again i cannot listen to what her wants and needs are, adn that im being selfish.


What about your wants and needs? Marriage is a two way street, you both should be getting your needs met. If she is upset, she is more than capable of sleeping on the couch. 



Bestofme said:


> So im ata loss, im getting frustrated with how she treats me at times, and i feel there are moments when i do share how im feeling she does not meet me half ways.


She shows absolutely no remorse for her affair and continues to treat you like crap. What does that tell you? Your wife has no respect for you. Without a foundation of caring, honesty, and respect, I am not sure how you expect to build a better marriage.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

truth of it all is this whole situation has been diffcult for me, im not sure at what point i need to draw the line and say enough is enough, i have been loyal and committed to my wife, and have found mysefl making excuses for her such as oh i wasnt present, and she hasa right to be this way, but in truth i know i need to work on myself, but im not sure at what point or even a length of time i should considered before i feel or even seea change. 

i know working ona marriage even with issues can bea process, and since december i have seen slow changes with myself, and with her, but there is a point where i get tired of the her blaming me for issues, or even the sad fact that it is not longera partner ship, but she holds power over our marriage at the moment. im just ata loss


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

ButtPunch said:


> Eventually you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.


Yup


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

C3156 said:


> What about your wants and needs? Marriage is a two way street, you both should be getting your needs met. If she is upset, she is more than capable of sleeping on the couch.
> 
> i agree, i am all for working asa team and getting through issues, and to be honest no my needs arnt being met. outside of the love you before and after work...affection isnt what it use to be, i finda way to meet her needs tell her nicethings, take care of her when she is sick, yet at times it feels as if she still has her guard up, still uses things brings up things i did in the past or even tells me, now that you in my position you know how it feels.....and yes i agree with her being on the couch, but at the same time all i want it to work through this.
> 
> ...


yes, she has yet to fully address the affair, the only time we went in depth was shortly after she told me, and even still when its brought up she gets upset, and feels that i should not hold it over her as bad as that sounds., as of now as she has acknowledged was that she is sorry that she created a husband who is insecure. and yea agree caring honesty,and respect are what i give every day, and my goal even when i had to change what i was being asa husband was built on the idea of having a beter marriage, and doing my part.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> yes, she has yet to fully address the affair, the only time we went in depth was shortly after she told me, and even still when its brought up she gets upset, and feels that i should not hold it over her as bad as that sounds


She can bring up all of the bad things she perceives you did wrong but you are not allowed hold her accountable for her actions? Nice double standard. 



Bestofme said:


> as of now as she has acknowledged was that she is sorry that she created a husband who is insecure. and yea agree caring honesty,and respect are what i give every day, and my goal even when i had to change what i was being asa husband was built on the idea of having a beter marriage, and doing my part.


She has acknowledged that she has created an insecure husband? No, I think she created an affair that has her husband looking for answers...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bestofme said:


> yes, she has yet to fully address the affair, the only time we went in depth was shortly after she told me, and even still when its brought up she gets upset, and feels that i should not hold it over her as bad as that sounds., as of now as she has acknowledged was that she is sorry that she created a husband who is insecure. and yea agree caring honesty,and respect are what i give every day, and my goal even when i had to change what i was being asa husband was built on the idea of having a beter marriage, and doing my part.


Classic carpet sweeping. The EA is all your fault in her mind. It is further from the truth. Your W has NO remorse and feels justified. It is up to you to say enough is enough. Time to get the EA out in the open discuss it. If your W get upset, she can sleep on the couch. You have been betrayed and suffering consequences. Your W gets off without any consequences and sends you to the couch. Stop being a door mat.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Blame shifting, you are at fault not me I am a innocent!!
Cheaters use every excuse to justify their affair.
This is and was not your fault.
Did you have an affair?
No! Then why should you sleep on the couch?
Why should you suffer and her not?
The EA or PA (are you sure which one)
was her choice. I believe if there are problems in 
a marriage you talk about them, try and resolve 
them but never use them as a reason to cheat.
Get out of the marriage first before moving on to 
someone else. What ever the reason.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

C3156 said:


> She can bring up all of the bad things she perceives you did wrong but you are not allowed hold her accountable for her actions? Nice double standard.
> 
> 
> She has acknowledged that she has created an insecure husband? No, I think she created an affair that has her husband looking for answers...


yes answers are what im looking for, at this point i dont know how to address her, in ever situation even with the littliest talks it ends up with her being defensive... this morning for example call and tell her have a great day, nd ask her is everything ok this morning.....she tells me im scrutinizing her, and have her under a microscope.....how the hell does something so innocent get blown up.. its like im walking on egg shells, and careful with what i say to her. i know trying to be respectful to her space is there, but common sense should be yes is there is an issue work on it and move past it together.



Yeswecan said:


> Classic carpet sweeping. The EA is all your fault in her mind. It is further from the truth. Your W has NO remorse and feels justified. It is up to you to say enough is enough. Time to get the EA out in the open discuss it. If your W get upset, she can sleep on the couch. You have been betrayed and suffering consequences. Your W gets off without any consequences and sends you to the couch. Stop being a door mat.



this is where i am having difficulty, i know im being a doormat in certain areas within my marriage, I just dont know how to be the opposite. as for enough is enough i am committed to my marriage...but im getting tot he point where i fel i should be treat with respect aswell, i understand being mad, but oh and last night i ended up on the couch, for what reason i don't know, but her asking me to wrap her foot, then to be treated as such is enough for me, i kn ow i need to confornt her tonight, i just dont know how to ...... and i agree wityh what you said, i know i wasnt the best husband, her repsonse of im working on myself is getting old.... truth is i dont think she has worked on herself. since December she dont nothing more than stress out with work, and lay on the couch looking at her instrgam, and make excuses as to why she cant do things, she use to run, and has stopped due to working to much. i know what i want in my marriage, but i refuse to live with a roomate or treaten me with ill go stay at my sisters if you dont leave it be.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Bestofme said:


> yes answers are what im looking for, at this point i dont know how to address her, in ever situation even with the littliest talks it ends up with her being defensive... this morning for example call and tell her have a great day, nd ask her is everything ok this morning.....she tells me im scrutinizing her, and have her under a microscope.....how the hell does something so innocent get blown up.. its like im walking on egg shells, and careful with what i say to her. i know trying to be respectful to her space is there, but common sense should be yes is there is an issue work on it and move past it together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Starting from right now no more sleeping the couch,if she wants to sleep alone let her sleep on the ****in couch.And do not move out under any circumstances other that separation/divorce
Try and act like a man instead of this timid little door mouse that nobody could possibly respect.
Look up doing the 180,though I think your wife is partly doing it allready.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Bestofme said:


> yes answers are what im looking for, at this point i dont know how to address her, in ever situation even with the littliest talks it ends up with her being defensive... this morning for example call and tell her have a great day, nd ask her is everything ok this morning.....she tells me im scrutinizing her, and have her under a microscope.....how the hell does something so innocent get blown up.. its like im walking on egg shells, and careful with what i say to her. i know trying to be respectful to her space is there, but common sense should be yes is there is an issue work on it and move past it together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It is up to your to stop the madness. Start with serving D papers. Reclaim the bedroom. Your W can have the couch. It is well earned.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> this morning the moment i feel i made the mistake of trying to speak with her


Yes, this was a mistake.
You can't reason with an emotional person.
You can't talk logically with or appeal to an emotional person using logic.

Don't try to use a woman's greatest weapon (communication) against her. That will lead to an epic fail.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> It is up to your to stop the madness. Start with serving D papers. Reclaim the bedroom. Your W can have the couch. It is well earned.


divorce is the what i was hoping to avoid before Tuesday things had been making progress, things were great until i said something i wasn't happy with, spoke up about it, and got told to just drop it, as for the bedroom i plan to tell her if she wants the couch she can have it, ill take the bed, id prefer to be next to my wife, but this is becoming to much for me, people should resolve things, and get through it, not push it to the side when its convenant.



Satya said:


> Yes, this was a mistake.
> You can't reason with an emotional person.
> You can't talk logically with or appeal to an emotional person using logic.
> 
> Don't try to use a woman's greatest weapon (communication) against her. That will lead to an epic fail.



so if i cannot communicate what im feeling or my displeasure how to i go about showing it? i refuse to become her in terms of being resentful, i rather wake up and be happy with the day then dwell on stuff, but at the same time id rather, and i know the feeling she is very emotional, on top of that still upset.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> so if i cannot communicate what im feeling or my displeasure how to i go about showing it? i refuse to become her in terms of being resentful, i rather wake up and be happy with the day then dwell on stuff, but at the same time id rather, and i know the feeling she is very emotional, on top of that still upset.


You stop talking and you DO.

i.e. actions over words.

Just go do what you need to do. Don't alter your mood because of her. Don't bend yourself into a pretzel because she's got a bad attitude or is having a bad day.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

Satya said:


> You stop talking and you DO.
> 
> i.e. actions over words.
> 
> Just go do what you need to do. Don't alter your mood because of her. Don't bend yourself into a pretzel because she's got a bad attitude or is having a bad day.


i think thats the diffcult part in all of it, being that she is my wife she knows how to push all the buttons....c as for doing what i need to do, i go abou each day being hapy, yea not everything will be perfect, but it is diffcult when she is in her moods, as easy as it sounds im the type of person who needs to communicate and say whats on my mind, either it be when im happy or when im not happy with how she is acting, or somthing that has been done.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bestofme said:


> divorce is the what i was hoping to avoid before Tuesday things had been making progress, things were great until i said something i wasn't happy with, spoke up about it, and got told to just drop it, as for the bedroom i plan to tell her if she wants the couch she can have it, ill take the bed, id prefer to be next to my wife, but this is becoming to much for me, people should resolve things, and get through it, not push it to the side when its convenant.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ok... this is going to seem like a foreign concept, but just bear with me for a second...

you just state your displeasure in whatever it is that is bothering you. for instance, if your wife is accusing you of putting you under a microscope, then tell her that you dont appreciate having accusations thrown your way every time you ask your WIFE how she is. in fact, whenever she goes into "accusation attack mode", just tell her that you will not speak to her if she cannot speak to you with respect. 

basically, do not apologize for how you feel. _ever._ and do not entertain arguments about how you feel. _ever._ 

second, if something is bothering you that she is doing, and she doesn't care enough to even attempt to stop even though she knows it bothers you, then start finding a way to provide consequences for it. for instance, if she cannot treat you with respect, then don't help her with anything. no more wrapping her foot after she treats you with such disrespect. 

flip the switch in your head that is allows you to be fully willing to drill into her head that you are about to LEAVE her. that she has been such a miserable person to be around that you would LITERALLY rather be alone than be with HER. 

you really need to grab your balls and show some anger... stop letting your wife think that her behavior is ok. 

oh, and the next time she calls you insecure, tell her that the truth is, you just dont trust her disrespectful cheating ass.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bestofme said:


> i think thats the diffcult part in all of it, being that she is my wife she knows how to push all the buttons....c as for doing what i need to do, i go abou each day being hapy, yea not everything will be perfect, but it is diffcult when she is in her moods, as easy as it sounds im the type of person who needs to communicate and say whats on my mind, either it be when im happy or when im not happy with how she is acting, or somthing that has been done.


get a voice activated recorder. when she is being a miserable *****(sorry, thats how she comes across) record it. shoot, i would even suggest that you let her know you are recording all of your interactions together. 

if she asks why, tell her its so that if the two of you end up divorced, the recordings are to let people know the truth of how she treated you.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

As'laDain said:


> get a voice activated recorder. when she is being a miserable *****(sorry, thats how she comes across) record it. shoot, i would even suggest that you let her know you are recording all of your interactions together.
> 
> if she asks why, tell her its so that if the two of you end up divorced, the recordings are to let people know the truth of how she treated you.


there has been many times ive wanted to do this.... at times the simplest arguments get out of control, and somehow she ends up as the victim ven when she is in the wrong, then her words become personal attacks, or she bring up the past....( i understand she was hurt....and i ackowedge it but its gets old, when i taken steps to make the changes to address it.) such as oh you acting like the perfect man now, what makes you deserve something when i didn't get it. unfair fighting is a common accordance will she will raise her voice, or talk over me to make sure that she makes her point.... other than being easily offended, or thinking that something is saying is a personal attack. in the past i have walked aweay, or not engaged her in any arguments, to avoid arguments that are pointless. it can be overwhelming at times due to the pressure and guilt trips she puts on me. by the way i thought it is illgeal to audio record someone?



As'laDain said:


> ok... this is going to seem like a foreign concept, but just bear with me for a second...
> 
> you just state your displeasure in whatever it is that is bothering you. for instance, if your wife is accusing you of putting you under a microscope, then tell her that you dont appreciate having accusations thrown your way every time you ask your WIFE how she is. in fact, whenever she goes into "accusation attack mode", just tell her that you will not speak to her if she cannot speak to you with respect.
> 
> ...


my issues has always been ima nice guy...too nice, i normally avoid conflict, and yea i have to agree there are certain things i dont trust her with, and based on a lot of what you are saying i am getting to that point where im tired of her thinking certain things are ok. i know it sounds easy to flip the switch, but my biggest issues is being that caring husband, which i know allows her to treat me like a doormat at times. but i blame myself for having gher mentiaility of we can get through this together.....not making her accountable for her actions, or being all bark and no bite...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Do you think your wife has posted here about the situation? The reason I ask is we have a user who goes by the name of Swrdfish10, who posted her side to this very same story. It's a fairly recent thread. You should be able to scroll down through the General Relationship section and find it.

I'd appreciate it if you would let us know if the woman who posted that thread is your wife. These stories sound alike. It may be a coincidence, but the similarities are striking.

I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules in bringing this up, but I think it would behoove you to check out that particular thread.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bestofme said:


> there has been many times ive wanted to do this.... at times the simplest arguments get out of control, and somehow she ends up as the victim ven when she is in the wrong, then her words become personal attacks, or she bring up the past....( i understand she was hurt....and i ackowedge it but its gets old, when i taken steps to make the changes to address it.) such as oh you acting like the perfect man now, what makes you deserve something when i didn't get it. unfair fighting is a common accordance will she will raise her voice, or talk over me to make sure that she makes her point.... other than being easily offended, or thinking that something is saying is a personal attack. in the past i have walked aweay, or not engaged her in any arguments, to avoid arguments that are pointless. it can be overwhelming at times due to the pressure and guilt trips she puts on me. by the way i thought it is illgeal to audio record someone?
> 
> 
> 
> my issues has always been ima nice guy...too nice, i normally avoid conflict, and yea i have to agree there are certain things i dont trust her with, and based on a lot of what you are saying i am getting to that point where im tired of her thinking certain things are ok. i know it sounds easy to flip the switch, but my biggest issues is being that caring husband, which i know allows her to treat me like a doormat at times. but i blame myself for having gher mentiaility of we can get through this together.....not making her accountable for her actions, or being all bark and no bite...


the behaviors you are describing sounds a lot like some of the personality disorders that can be quite difficult to work with. if your wife does have one of those issues, i can tell you this...

she WILL self destruct, she WILL push you until you have had enough and give up, or she WILL end up leaving you at some point. YOU wont be able to do anything about it as long as you are afraid of her. you can approach her with compassion, but if you approach her with fear, HER fear will destroy you first. 

if you cannot learn to do what you KNOW you must do, even when it scares you, then you might as well call it quits and just separate. 

in the mean time... GET A VAR!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think your wife has posted here about the situation? The reason I ask is we have a user who goes by the name of Swrdfish10, who posted her side to this very same story. It's a fairly recent thread. You should be able to scroll down through the General Relationship section and find it.
> 
> I'd appreciate it if you would let us know if the woman who posted that thread is your wife. These stories sound alike. It may be a coincidence, but the similarities are striking.
> 
> I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules in bringing this up, but I think it would behoove you to check out that particular thread.


i was thinking the same thing...


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think your wife has posted here about the situation? The reason I ask is we have a user who goes by the name of Swrdfish10, who posted her side to this very same story. It's a fairly recent thread. You should be able to scroll down through the General Relationship section and find it.
> 
> I'd appreciate it if you would let us know if the woman who posted that thread is your wife. These stories sound alike. It may be a coincidence, but the similarities are striking.
> 
> I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules in bringing this up, but I think it would behoove you to check out that particular thread.


Bestofme if Prodigal is right you need to GTFO. This is not going to get better.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> Do you think your wife has posted here about the situation? The reason I ask is we have a user who goes by the name of Swrdfish10, who posted her side to this very same story. It's a fairly recent thread. You should be able to scroll down through the General Relationship section and find it.
> 
> I'd appreciate it if you would let us know if the woman who posted that thread is your wife. These stories sound alike. It may be a coincidence, but the similarities are striking.
> 
> I hope I'm not breaking any forum rules in bringing this up, but I think it would behoove you to check out that particular thread.





As'laDain said:


> i was thinking the same thing...



hey guys, well i looked over the post from swrdfish, and no that is not my wife, my wife is more addicted to Instagram more than anything else. my wife has no idea about this website, but after reading that post it would seem that there are similar things going on......

so ive come to a few conclusions after this weekend......in my mind at least a marriage should be a beautiful thing.... do people make mistakes yes.... for her to not to have forgiven me after these past few months has shown me that one she is either a bitter or angry person, even though this weekend has been a lot better than most..... i know i need to come toa point where i need to say either this will work or it wont....i know most women are happy with changes that a husband makes when....even support it, my way it infurates her that ive made the chagnes i needed to make within myself and our marriage....

i understand that people get hurt, or even some husbands make mistakes within a marriage, but at what point is enough to be forgiven? at what point is it enough for me to put my foot down to say either we will be working or we wont? these days ive struggled with looking for hope... there are days where i see it from her and other days where she can show otherwise, i thought to myself giving it till this the end of the month to see how things play out....till then few thingfs i want to see first... before i go through the next step...


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Bestofme said:


> hey guys, well i looked over the post from swrdfish, and no that is not my wife, my wife is more addicted to Instagram more than anything else. my wife has no idea about this website, but after reading that post it would seem that there are similar things going on......
> 
> so ive come to a few conclusions after this weekend......in my mind at least a marriage should be a beautiful thing.... do people make mistakes yes.... for her to not to have forgiven me after these past few months has shown me that one she is either a bitter or angry person, even though this weekend has been a lot better than most..... i know i need to come toa point where i need to say either this will work or it wont....i know most women are happy with changes that a husband makes when....even support it, my way it infurates her that ive made the chagnes i needed to make within myself and our marriage....
> 
> i understand that people get hurt, or even some husbands make mistakes within a marriage, but at what point is enough to be forgiven? at what point is it enough for me to put my foot down to say either we will be working or we wont? these days ive struggled with looking for hope... there are days where i see it from her and other days where she can show otherwise, i thought to myself giving it till this the end of the month to see how things play out....till then few thingfs i want to see first... before i go through the next step...



people hold on to the hurts and mistakes, they amplify and over emphasize them.......they may not even consciously recognize they are doing this..... it is the basis of rationalizing and justifying their bad behavior.

its alwys easer to cast stones than look in the mirror.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

You keep mentioning "I know my wife was hurt"...I read you earlier shut down and wouldn't talk to her about life, kids, etc, beyond the shutting down, was there something else that "hurt" her? In three sentences or less. Sometimes short answers are more clear. If there was nothing else, that isn't the worst thing, unless something is compounding it.

That, if she's still on board, mostly isn't insurmountable. *And talk isn't the only part of a potential solution. It sounds like you're on the right general track now.


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

gowithuhtred said:


> You keep mentioning "I know my wife was hurt"...I read you earlier shut down and wouldn't talk to her about life, kids, etc, beyond the shutting down, was there something else that "hurt" her? In three sentences or less. Sometimes short answers are more clear. If there was nothing else, that isn't the worst thing, unless something is compounding it.
> 
> That, if she's still on board, mostly isn't insurmountable. *And talk isn't the only part of a potential solution. It sounds like you're on the right general track now.


looking back at the past no, me shutting down meant that i was not meeting her half ways in terms of talking about intimacy, whenever the conversation came up i would try to avoid talking about it...... or when she tried to be physical i would not be in the mood, or just wasn't into it...so she felt rejected..... when she wanted ot talk about kids.. i would avoid talking about them.... to sum it up, i myself was not ina right place... i felt as if i could not talk to my wife due to how she would respond or how her actions would be..... so she looks back and tells me i hurt her....so i had communication issues in addtion to an unwilliness to talk about the furutre due to fear of failing....all things i look back now and wish i could have just talked to her about.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bestofme said:


> looking back at the past no, me shutting down meant that i was not meeting her half ways in terms of talking about intimacy, whenever the conversation came up i would try to avoid talking about it...... or when she tried to be physical i would not be in the mood, or just wasn't into it...so she felt rejected..... when she wanted ot talk about kids.. i would avoid talking about them.... to sum it up, i myself was not ina right place... i felt as if i could not talk to my wife due to how she would respond or how her actions would be..... so she looks back and tells me i hurt her....so i had communication issues in addtion to an unwilliness to talk about the furutre due to fear of failing....all things i look back now and wish i could have just talked to her about.


THANKS. From what I read, you're still on the right road to getting a little closer each day, until one day the topic will fade into the background. When that happens, you let go of the problem and talk no more of it as she does the same.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I feel like I can relate to parts of your story. I don't believe there is anything you can do to help her work through her issues/anger with you over what happened in the past. From my own experience only, I think that is something she alone can choose to work through, or not, depending on if she wants the marriage to work at this point or if she's just holding on to you out of fear. 

If she can decide to move on from it, I think you need to nudge her to do so by not accepting blame for her continued anger. That is her choice to carry it around and taking it personally is only serving to make you feel bad about yourself. Choosing to sleep on the couch when you don't want to seems like you are accepting that you need to be punished. Getting pulled into a conversation about the past and repeating stuff you've already been over is a waste of your time and headspace. It's been said, it's done. If there is something you have discussed that you can't agree on, then I can see there's a need for further discussion, but if it's just repeating the same conversation with an objective to make you feel bad because she feels bad, then it's your choice if you let that happen.

You can only apologise so many times, just like she can only apologise so many times for her own actions. At some point you each have to let go of your individual resentments in order to continue together in the relationship. It's not an 'I forgave you so you have to forgive me' sort of transaction, but if one of you refuses to let go of the resentment, you can't work together on the relationship and it takes two committed people to make it work.


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## toucheturtle (Nov 12, 2017)

Gaslighting


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

breeze said:


> I feel like I can relate to parts of your story. I don't believe there is anything you can do to help her work through her issues/anger with you over what happened in the past. From my own experience only, I think that is something she alone can choose to work through, or not, depending on if she wants the marriage to work at this point or if she's just holding on to you out of fear.
> 
> If she can decide to move on from it, I think you need to nudge her to do so by not accepting blame for her continued anger. That is her choice to carry it around and taking it personally is only serving to make you feel bad about yourself. Choosing to sleep on the couch when you don't want to seems like you are accepting that you need to be punished. Getting pulled into a conversation about the past and repeating stuff you've already been over is a waste of your time and headspace. It's been said, it's done. If there is something you have discussed that you can't agree on, then I can see there's a need for further discussion, but if it's just repeating the same conversation with an objective to make you feel bad because she feels bad, then it's your choice if you let that happen.
> 
> You can only apologise so many times, just like she can only apologise so many times for her own actions. At some point you each have to let go of your individual resentments in order to continue together in the relationship. It's not an 'I forgave you so you have to forgive me' sort of transaction, but if one of you refuses to let go of the resentment, you can't work together on the relationship and it takes two committed people to make it work.



what you wrtoe is dead on.....her EA is something that changed everything for me with how i look at her and what steps i wanted to take within our marriage. Yet there have been moments where being reminded of what i didn't do as a husband gets tiring to hear. I cant change the past but im more than willing to change the present and future within my marriage. finally got some emotion out her her last night when i told her its either we come together or we dont, have things changed yes, slowly things are coming arund in certain areas, but last night with her taught mea few things, in her mind she doesnt like the changes ive made asa husband.... she tells me " yes you changed and it is everything ive wanted, but for some reason i cant accept them, and it upsets me, how is easy it seems that you were able to flip a switch" or " oh now that you want affection or want children, it what you want now.... becuase you say it should be so"() even though i told her months ago i wanted these things, and have told her when she ready then lets head down that path, its on her then.

she also tells me in the past when we have issues you always get flowers, or you always do nice gestures, whats so different from the past when things like this happened"the difference being we weren't married at the time, i myself needed to mature and grow up as a person and in the relationship. what it has shown me that is she is afraid. there are times where i want to acknowledge the hurt, but as you wrote what the point when its brought up its either we resolve the issues and move on or keep living in the past, for me its frustrating, yet i know its a daily process. ive looked into if there is a EA going on without asking her, and it doesn't seem to be, she finally acklowdhged that it feels as if she is abusing me with me telling her i fear talking to her at times, or her reactions towards certain things. 

one for sure thing is i know that i have pushed her away, and i know things like this take time, but for my own sake im still uncertain what steps i should take moving forward, im all on board to work on my marriage, but i refuse to be disrespected, or not treated as an equal......marriage is one of the most beatiful things, yet i dont understand where its ok to keep bring up things i didnt do in the past yet, how she acts or even the fact that an EA occured is too much for her....but at this point i want to move foward, becuase living in thep past is getting old .


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## Bestofme (Feb 28, 2018)

a bit of advice needed...

so this morning was helping my wife get ready for work, and thought hey why not give her some cash for her to put gas in the car later today..... what i find is a card, from valentines day " hello my love", from you sweets" now i did not approach her about it before work, i needed to process wtf this was, later tonight i am planning on comforting her with it

as many of you have read she hasn't been trustworthy, and personally, i am tired of the games and bull****. yes i know a month ago she lied when i asked her if she got anything from anyone from valentines day...so how do i approach her about this? i may be right or may be wrong....but id rather have answered more than anything else.....i called flower shop but they told me they can say who sent it, so i am unsure as to how to approach this.
thanks


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I can't understand men like you OP. What are you? A 5 years old boy that needs to be explained everything in your life. 

You've been told over and over by every poster that your passive actitute and weak behavior toward a woman that is obviously so deep in the fog of her affair with another man or woman (you just never know), that she blame shifts everything back to you, and all you do is to keep saying to yourself is I'm working on myself to be a better husband??? WTF?

You are just a man that is acting cowardly, paralized with fear of loosing your wife (a most likely cheating skank). 

You are not a "nice guy" that's a misnomer for weak individuals that lack the balls to be sufficiently secure of themselves to be able to act decisive and with conviction to do what must be done.

OP you are here for a reason: that reason is the same that most men that end in this type of forums asking for help is: your wife lost already any and all respect for you, because you do not respect yourself. You are acting weak, passive, on the wing, just waiting. This is so weak that women immediately loose any leftover respect for a man.

The bottom line is that most men around the world do not act like this. To most men, when they find out that their wife/girlfriend cheated on them their reaction is immediately to dump the woman. Why? Because they are men that respect themselves, that are confident on themselves. That know that they'll be OK, and that another better woman is out there waiting.

Your motto as a man should be: it doesn't matter, the who, why, when, where, just that it did. Game over, marriage over/relationship over. This is what real men do. THIS IS HOW YOU SHOULD BE ACTING.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Is at ALL possible that you are simply an ******* and have been for quite some time?

That MAYBE there is not another man EA or PA and she is just sick and tired of you?

Could that be?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

@ Sandcastle. That's a possibility. But regardless, based on the OP posts the wife had all but check-out, he just doesn't want to accept it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Classic carpet sweeping. The EA is all your fault in her mind. It is further from the truth. Your W has NO remorse and feels justified. It is up to you to say enough is enough. Time to get the EA out in the open discuss it. If your W get upset, she can sleep on the couch. You have been betrayed and suffering consequences. Your W gets off without any consequences and sends you to the couch. Stop being a door mat.


Would this be the DARVO I've read about? Deny/Deflect Accuse /Reverse Victim and Offender? Just a thought.
Hang in there in what you want to do. Only you know the dynamics first hand in your relationship.


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