# How to deal with a wife who wants to continue an arguement.



## mrfrustrated (Jul 17, 2012)

Good morning,

My wife and I argue a lot lately...I know, that's not good in itself. I don't like to escalate and be overtly confrontational, and so will walk away before things are said that are hurtful and spiteful. My wife will continue making comments, be condescending, spiteful, hurtful, etc in the hopes of provoking the arguement further. If this doesn't work, then she'll wait for a time when it's impossible for me to leave - for example when in the car. She can then go on for upto 45 minutes at a time, without a pause.

How do I handle this...I feel as if I'm being mentally abused, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to remedy this.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

What are you arguing about.

BTW it takes two.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Drive separately or refuse to go anywhere with her. She can't be trusted.

Look as long as you stand there and allow it to happen nothing will change. Nobody can mentally abuse you without your permission.


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## mrfrustrated (Jul 17, 2012)

You are right, it does take two, but, when you're in a car going to work, and someone is teeing off on you from the moment you get in, until the moment you get out of the car, it's very difficult to try and ignore. If I ask her to stop, I am told to "get out and walk", or "find another taxi ride"...I'm legally blind, and cannot drive myself, I have no choice but for her to take me to work.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

mrfrustrated said:


> You are right, it does take two, but, when you're in a car going to work, and someone is teeing off on you from the moment you get in, until the moment you get out of the car, it's very difficult to try and ignore. If I ask her to stop, I am told to "get out and walk", or "find another taxi ride"...I'm legally blind, and cannot drive myself, I have no choice but for her to take me to work.


What is she going off about?? What is the source of the hostility?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> I have no choice but for her to take me to work.


Is this really true? She is the ONLY way you can get to work? If that's true you need to formulate a new plan because this one isn't working.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Instead of responding in a defensive way ask questions about what she is saying in a calm cool and collected way.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Have you asked her about doing counseling together?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Put in ear plugs and listen to your IPOD. Make the marriage counseling appointment and tell her you will talk about it then.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I was doing something similar to my wife (except without the hurtful comments). But I would follow her trying to continue the argument. In counseling we figured out I did it because I felt the issues needed resolution or closure but I didn't get any sense she would ever discuss it again if i let up at that moment. She was feeling like she just needed to get in a better frame of mind to discuss it and come back to it. It led to soo many unnecessary arguments. 

Personally, walk away saying you'd like to discuss this with her, but will only do so when you both can do it in a civil and productive manner. Don't say anything else. Don't argue or defend. If she follows you, don;t say anything. Just look at her while she rants.


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

I knew of a man who dealt with his child's terrible twos by putting on his headphones and listening to music until the child calmed down enough to work through an issue. She sounds a bit like that child, maybe the iPod is the way to go...


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> You are right, it does take two, but, when you're in a car going to work, and someone is teeing off on you from the moment you get in, until the moment you get out of the car, it's very difficult to try and ignore. If I ask her to stop, I am told to "get out and walk", or "find another taxi ride"...I'm legally blind, and cannot drive myself, I have no choice but for her to take me to work.


That sounds rather abusive of her to say that to you, especially in light of your medical condition.

Nonetheless, arguments are words, nothing more. Spoken words, sometimes loud, but not in and of themselves life threatening. (The abuse is another matter).

That being said, have you tried this: When she starts up, just tell her she is right, you are wrong, and that's that? Repeat if necessary. Refuse to engage her? My H had a temper problem and wanted to rage on and on about issues. I would merely tell him he was right, dismiss him, and go about my business doing whatever I thought was right. I took away his power and control and left him with empty (loud) words. How would something like that work for you?


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> If I ask her to stop, I am told to "get out and walk", or "find another taxi ride"...I'm legally blind, and cannot drive myself, I have no choice but for her to take me to work.


Man, that is brutal, and I'm sorry you have to deal with that. 

My W likes to pull this when we're stuck in the car for hours as well...with the kids in the car. Not much you can do. I'll STFU, and she'll continue to argue with the side of my head for the next hour. The last time she pulled this, I stopped the van on the interstate shoulder and told her we'd argue on the side of the road (away from the kids) if she wanted to continue. After standing there for a few secs with 18 wheelers flying by, she agreed to cut it out.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Been there done that. Always needs the last word no matter what. Even if I agree with her. Even if she's right. Still yak yak pick pick mutter grumble fume. These are people who pathologically incapable of being accountable or responsible or owning their own problems. It can't be fixed and you can't out talk a crazy person because being crazy fuels their craziness.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Guess I’m the odd man out. I used to get passive and pacify the situation; Often apologizing whether or not I meant it. So, it was lose/lose... She’d yell, I’d cave, and nothing changed. I did the passive/aggressive thing as well; Walked away, tuned her out, etc. Again, nothing changes.

Have you tried jumping on the crazy train? For some, pushing you is just a way to test. She might be looking for security and knowing you’ll not go all doormat on her. The other.... This berating is her natural language; Speaking it will have the most impact. I’m not talking about justifying whatever she’s complaining about or trying to reason or getting defensive. I’m talking about ripping into her issues as well; Get on your soapbox and go to town. Use her tricks against her of deflection, escalation, and emotional outburst. Keep it on your complaints with her. She’s trapped in the car with you!

What you are doing is getting it through her head that yelling is not an approach that will get her what she wants. Make it a quite unpleasant thing for her to do. If she doesn’t leave you, she’ll try other approaches. Reject them until she figures out what works with you. Right now, you are rewarding bad behavior. 

Carrot / Stick. Sometimes the simple kindergarten rules work best.


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## DiZ (May 15, 2012)

mrfrustrated said:


> Good morning,
> 
> My wife and I argue a lot lately...I know, that's not good in itself. I don't like to escalate and be overtly confrontational, and so will walk away before things are said that are hurtful and spiteful. My wife will continue making comments, be condescending, spiteful, hurtful, etc in the hopes of provoking the arguement further. If this doesn't work, then she'll wait for a time when it's impossible for me to leave - for example when in the car. She can then go on for upto 45 minutes at a time, without a pause.
> 
> How do I handle this...I feel as if I'm being mentally abused, and there doesn't seem to be a thing I can do to remedy this.


I think she just want closure thinking if the argument is stopped then and there it'll be done forever. The abusive comments need to stop and you are right it is mental abuse. I would consider therapy. There are good ways and constructive ways to fight. No name calling and abuse allowed. I find when my husband and I argue we will stop, cool down and make a definite time to continue the discussion later.


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