# My fault??



## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I am new here, and may have a difficult time figuring out all of the abbreviations that people seem to use so fluently -- so, be patient when I spell everything out.

About a month and a half ago, my wife admitted to me that she had had a "one night stand" three weeks prior with a guy at her workplace. I put that in quotes because it was not actually a night at all, but a ten-minute physical encounter in the backroom of her store. She just came out and told me because she felt guilty about it and felt she could not continue in our relationship until it was off her conscience.

We have talked and talked about what caused her to do that, and I have been praised by our friends and family for being a "real man" and not walking out on her and our daughter and trying to work it out. I do believe she is sorry for what she did, and I also believe that she truly loves me and would never want anyone else --- UNLESS...

And that's the kicker. Over the past month and half, I have read so much material about infidelity and how harmful it can be for the victim to blame himself and not the cheating spouse. My wife has told me numerous times that her affair was not my fault, but I think she's just trying to make this as easy for me as possible. In reality, though, the easiest way to deal with it is to look at it as my fault. Thinking it was my fault gives me a sense that I can control it from ever happening again.

You see, love for me has never been kind. I had always been "too romantic", "too clingy", "too needy" with women to the point that they became turned off. When I met my wife, I told myself that I was not going to become so emotionally attached -- and if I did, I surely wasn't going to show it. We went for thirteen years with her initiating almost every intimate moment between us. She complained to me often that she felt like our marriage was more like a "friends with benefits" situation than an actual marriage. I told her that I liked it that way, that a married couple should be friends first and foremost. She still complained that I did not make her feel wanted or desired, that I made no effort to initiate sex, and that she felt as if she walked out on me that I wouldn't even care.

I was so assured that she couldn't live without me that I didn't bother to meet her needs. And so -- the affair.

So, you can see how I feel it is my fault. I am devastated that it happened, and I feel like such a heel for being so neglectful to her all these years that she was driven into this situation by the first guy to come along and make her feel desirable.

Ever since I found out, I have completely opened up to her. I initiate intimacy with her almost daily. I write her poems and small notes to put into her purse before she leaves for work. Only, now I feel as if I am working so hard to woo her again -- and I am wondering if I am actually being a dupe. Somehow I feel that SHE should be the one working to regain MY love, not the other way around. Only, I am just reassuring her that I have always loved her -- and it seems as if she is just getting her cake and eating it too. She got to have this fling with a guy she found attractive and who made her feel attractive, and now she has this husband who is acting like she has always wanted him to act -- and everything is perfect for her (albeit, she still feels really guilty and horrible -- she described herself as a "monster" a few days ago) while I am the one who is devastated.

Am I justified in these feelings? Or should I just continue with what I have been doing?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> I have been praised by our friends and family for being a "real man" and not walking out on her and our daughter and trying to work it out.


Not really, try "real cuckold".



> Am I justified in these feelings? Or should I just continue with what I have been doing?


To some degree yes, but keep in mind she will very likely get sick of it and go back to her old habits, don't make her see you as needy and clingy. Try reading books "married men sex life" and "no more mr nice guy".


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Ah, yes. The "cuckold". I have used that term in describing myself -- husband does not give the wife what she needs, so she goes elsewhere. The good thing is that I can fix that -- it was something wrong with what I was doing, not something that was really out of my control. I wouldn't describe having an affair as an "old habit" of hers. It was a one time mistake she made after being faithful for thirteen years, and it tore her apart emotionally. I believe she wouldn't do it again -- as long as I continue to be emotionally open and available to her.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> Ah, yes. The "cuckold". I have used that term in describing myself -- husband does not give the wife what she needs, so she goes elsewhere. The good thing is that I can fix that -- it was something wrong with what I was doing, not something that was really out of my control. I wouldn't describe having an affair as an "old habit" of hers. It was a one time mistake she made after being faithful for thirteen years, and it tore her apart emotionally. I believe she wouldn't do it again -- as long as I continue to be emotionally open and available to her.


Keep in mind there are plenty of users that treated their wife's like a princess yet they still cheated.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I am aware of that. My situation could have been much much worse, and I am thankful it wasn't.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you have it flipped around


was the lack of attention harmful to the marriage?

yes

should you be working on yourself to improve your marriage?

yes

is the lack of attention a valid excuse for your wife to cheat?

Not a chance in hell, she could have gone to you and made it clear that she needed more from you instead of seeking it in a janitor's closet. 

Does your wife need to work on herself to improve the marriage?

YES and moreso than what you need to do, she needs to rebuild the trust that she dashed on the rocks below

If you improve yourself and meet her needs without her showing remorse and doing the heavy lifting in order to rebuild trust going to affair-proof the marriage?

NOPE, in fact the lack of consequences will make it more likely for it to happen again, despite how good of a husband you become


please read the newbie link in my signature


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> Ah, yes. The "cuckold". I have used that term in describing myself -- husband does not give the wife what she needs, so she goes elsewhere. The good thing is that I can fix that -- it was something wrong with what I was doing, not something that was really out of my control. I wouldn't describe having an affair as an "old habit" of hers. It was a one time mistake she made after being faithful for thirteen years, and it tore her apart emotionally. I believe she wouldn't do it again -- as long as I continue to be emotionally open and available to her.


Easy now. This is NOT within your control. It was her decission to cheat. And it is her decission whether to do it again or not.
You can work on your self and your marriage, but that alone will not keep her from cheating. Once the line has been crossed - it will be easier the next time, now that she knows for her self that she is capable of doing it. I know that from my wife.

Not to say that necessarily will cheat again, but just don't blind your self. I made that mistake.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

You believe she won't do it again....

I think it is like any other behavior. The first time is the hardest. Her second time will be easier for her.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Listen to the other posters---they are right on---you may have treated your wife as a roommate, but she herself did have some responsibility, in that she never really got in your face, and forced you to see what was wrong---instead, she broke her vows, and allowed another man inside of her.

If you intend to stay with her, you know boundaries, must be put in place, and certain things have to happen.

1st and foremost, she leaves her job, like right now---she can give her notice, but she does not go back to that job site---or if it is a chain, then she requests for an immediate transfer to another worksite----along with that, a NC e-mail, letter needs to go out.

The lovemaking---it just didn't happen---there had to be something going on tween them, have you delved into what exactly was going on, and how long it has been going on for----This P A, just wasn't a he jumped on her in a storage room---there had to be other things that led up to this ----do you have the backstory, on this whole, what is prbably an EA leading to a PA.

Do you have kids together----are kids, gonna be hurt, by what goes on here.

Your wife knew exactly what she was doing every step of the way, and obviously wanted it to happen----10 minutes in a storage closet, that sounds like just an infatuated encounter, where both her and her lover wanted this to happen, and made it happen, cuz it came down pretty quickly----REAL QUESTION HERE IS, are you getting the whole story, or is this the tip of an iceberg, resulting from her perception, of your alleged neglect.

As to you---just don't rug sweep this---I am sure she is doing everything a remourseful wife needs to do, cuz all of a sudden she figured out, that bad as you were to her, she still doesn't want to find herself, single, divorced, with the label of adulteress, and especially if kids are involved, what does she face on her own entailing that problem----also on her own, she is gonna have to work, harder, longer, have less time to frolick with her lover---you get my drift-----I guarantee you she needs/wants to stay married.

I have not even discussed where this leaves you, and your sub-conscious, cuz I promise you, you have not heard the last from your sub-conscious---that whole routine is just starting-----

You got a lot to think about---take plenty of time, and get this right, expecially if you do decide to stay with your straying wife.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I did get the back story on this whole situation. Here it is:

My wife started talking about a guy that comes into her store every morning (he's a beer vendor ... ugh), and she described him as "cute as a button." I immediately hackled at that, having never heard her talk about another guy like that before. She consoled me by telling me he was cute as in "Howdy Doody cute."

Howdy Doody cute? Whatever. I have not seen this guy.

Anyway, she was telling me about this because she wanted to tell me about how her coworker went up to the beer vendor and told him he could "hook him up" with my wife, if Howdy Doody wanted to. Howdy said that he believed my wife to be married. Coworker said to Howdy, "Yes, but so you are so." Howdy replied with, "No, she's happily married."

I got pissed at the coworker for doing this, and my wife couldn't understand why. Inside, I suspected that she liked this beer guy, and I know from personal experience that crushes can be difficult to handle ... especially if both parties have a crush and are both aware of its existence. Wife told me not to worry about it if I trusted her.

So ... I did.

In the week or so that followed, my wife had become unusually sexually active. She initiated intimacy with me on a near-daily basis -- practically raping me in my chair one evening while our daughter was roller skating. Then, all of that stopped, and she became very depressed and withdrawn. This lasted for several days.

Anyway, she didn't come out and tell me the whole truth at once. The night before Dday she asked me if I had ever been physically attracted to another woman since our marriage. I told her that I find other women attractive all the time. She said she didn't mean it that way, she meant have I ever been sexually aroused by another woman.

Now, I know how my wife is about jealousy issues. I know from past experience with her that admitting to sexually desiring other women could lead to nothing but long arguments. So, I lied and told her "no." She said she didn't believe me. Then, it dawned on me why she was asking and I asked her who the man was she was attracted to. She said it was Howdy Doody.

That led into a long discussion which resulted in her telling me that after her coworker offered to hook the two of them up, Howdy Doody came up to her and asked her if she would like to get with him. She admitted then that she told him, "I would like to talk about it first ... but, yes." Then she said she called him that evening and told him that she really loved me and couldn't go through it.

I was emotionally wrecked at the thought that she could even say "yes" to a proposition -- it didn't really matter that she backed out, as she claimed. 

The next day, I thought long and hard about what would have caused her to say yes to this guy. I knew she had been trying to tell me what she needed from me sexually, to feel wanted and desired -- and that's when I realized I had to start changing. I came home from work and told her everything I had thought about, and even broke down crying. That's when she said, "I love you. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. I haven't been completely honest with you. I slept with him."

My first impulse was to pack up and leave, and that's what I did. Just threw **** in a suitcase while she's following me around shaking and terrified and asking if we couldn't talk about it. But, I just didn't want to be there. 

I came back that night, however. I couldn't stay away without knowing anything. I thought I could just end it and walk away and let her deal with all the pain -- but, I was surprised at how much I wanted to know what happened.

She told me the real truth that night. Basically, it was the same story except that she never called him to back out. He made his move on a Friday. On the following Monday, he came into her store, into her office, and began kissing her. She told him she had to count the money for the store and had a meeting to go to later. He asked if he could come back when her coworker arrived, and she said yes.

He came back, they went into the back room, where they kissed. And some point she sucked him off, then, with only their pants down, he had her on the floor. She said she enjoyed the kissing, and enjoyed the things he was saying while she was blowing him -- but, shortly before he entered her it all got too real. She said she emotionally "checked out" at that point. She said she just stared at the wall while he did his thing. She didn't even come close to orgasm.

When he was done, he asked her a couple of times if she was okay (noticing that she was not at all into it), and she said she was. She told him he had lipstick on his shirt, and he washed it off at the sink. Then, he said he had some deliveries to make and left.

She came back out on the floor and told her coworker that she "thinks she made a big mistake" (understatement?)

When he came in the next day to make his deliveries, she noticed he was acting strange. Not looking at her, and rushing through his job. She didn't see him again until that Friday when he came in and told her that he couldn't do anything with her again (I guess out of feeling guilty with what he did to his own wife). My wife was relieved at that and told him that she was about to tell him the same thing.

After she told me, she also told OM that she had told me. That what he had for her and her for him was a simple crush that went way too far -- and that she loved me and would never want to hurt me again. He asked her if that meant she would not take him back, and she said that that is exactly what she meant.

Since then, I have monitored her cell phone usage (by checking bill online for deleted messages or phone calls) and there has been to contact with this guy whatsoever -- apart from regular workday interactions. Can I be 100% sure that she is not doing him anymore? I think I can. After all of the tears and discussion and questions and answers, she seems a lot happier than she ever was. I know her (or think I do), and I know that she could not maintain an affair without it eating her up inside.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

???

She is still working in the same place where OM regularly makes deliveries? 

Man you're in big time denial and rugsweeping hardcore.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I think there are some lies in your wife's story. She even called the guy after this? maybe to cross check the stories. The physical affair happened probably more than once. The emotional affair was much deeper and loonger than what she let you know


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

So let me get the facts straight as you have stated.


She works in some type of convenience/grocery type store
OM is a beer vendor who delivers beer - these guys usually deliver the beer and are gone after the delivery so they can make more stops
Coworker suggests to OM that he can hook up with your WW. Excuse me? Where does this coworker get off on saying that....unless she has a history and some sort of reputation
She becomes sexually charged and then becomes sexually and emotionally withdrawn. This indicates she has become emotionally attached to this OM.
She blows OM and bangs him in the back room and claims she didn't enjoy it.
She contacted OM after this allegedly happened only one time
She continues to work there and OM continues to deliver there. Well, he's delivering to her more than just beer, that's for sure.

You have only seen the tip of the iceberg here, that's for sure. Get yourself tested for STDs immediately if you haven't done so already. Sorry, but you don't just go from seeing a delivery guy who's only there a few minutes each day to banging him in the back room without some sort of relationship going on. This isn't the Penthouse Letters Forum.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I wish it were so simple to tell her to quit her job. Doing so would put us out of a house -- we would possibly lose our cars, which would lead to my losing my job as well. She is doing very well at her job and is up for a district manager promotion, which would get her out of that store. I would hate for her to throw that away. To be fair, there was a managerial opening at another store that she offered to take if it would make me feel better. I knew, however, that that store was a mess, would be an extra half-hour drive (which would kill us in gas money), and would make her miserable. She practically insisted on taking it to show me that she felt nothing for this guy -- but, I told her not to. I did not want her to go to a job that would make her absolutely miserable.

I may be rugsweeping, but I do trust that there is nothing going on between the two of them.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> I may be rugsweeping, but I do trust that there is nothing going on between the two of them.


..and you were trusting her till the affair, otherwise you wouldn't have married correct? Look where that brought you.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> Anyway, she was telling me about this because she wanted to tell me about how *her coworker went up to the beer vendor and told him he could "hook him up" with my wife, if Howdy Doody wanted to*. Howdy said that he believed my wife to be married. Coworker said to Howdy, "Yes, but so you are so." Howdy replied with, "No, she's happily married."
> 
> I got pissed at the coworker for doing this, and my wife couldn't understand why.


And where did coworker get this idea? She's done this more than once and everybody knows about it. Think about it. Hell, she might have even banged this coworker by the brazen way he suggested it to OM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Get the book and check out this blog.

Good luck and prayers

You also need to go over the wayward spouse instructions


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> I wish it were so simple to tell her to quit her job. Doing so would put us out of a house -- we would possibly lose our cars, which would lead to my losing my job as well. She is doing very well at her job and is up for a district manager promotion, which would get her out of that store. I would hate for her to throw that away. To be fair, there was a managerial opening at another store that she offered to take if it would make me feel better. I knew, however, that that store was a mess, would be an extra half-hour drive (which would kill us in gas money), and would make her miserable. She practically insisted on taking it to show me that she felt nothing for this guy -- but, I told her not to. I did not want her to go to a job that would make her absolutely miserable.
> 
> I may be rugsweeping, but I do trust that there is nothing going on between the two of them.


Then this job is obviously worth more than your marriage. You can't make the car payment for your own vehicle?


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Yes, she contacted this guy after she told me. She told me that she felt like she had to tell him that she told me. She said that there was awkwardness between them that wasn't going away, and she felt she could not maintain a business relationship with him if she thought he was thinking there was a still a chance for more with her.

I told her not to talk to him, that I couldn't see how that would lead to anything good. But, I realized she needed to close the book on this guy for good, so I allowed to her to tell him that she told me and that any thoughts he might have about it continuing are over.

That was over a month ago. There has been no contact with him since -- other than business. 

I have wondered if her story is all true. I am pretty sure there are lies there that have yet to be uncovered. Unfortunately, her story is the only one I have to go on.

That coworker prick of hers sent me a message on FB asking me to forgive him and that he felt horrible about suggesting to hook up my wife with this beer guy. I chewed him out and shut him down.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Inform the guys'(OM's) wife of the affair atleast. It will kill the affair from his end.


And tell your wife to come clean completely, no more lying by omission. Tell her you will bear more truth however hurtful it is since it is the past but if you find one more lie, you will immediately dump her a$$ and divorce her.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you seesawed too far the other way with the showering of affection; too much is too fake. Spend 20 hours a week together doing dating stuff. Meet up once a week for an hour to discuss your relationship and see what needs to be worked on. Go on walks together so you can talk about stuff, grease the wheels, so that YOU become the one and only person she wants to talk to about her hopes and dreams so she'll have no need for OM again. And continue to monitor.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This coworker is a guy? Oh god!! Is he passing your wife around?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lordmayhem said:


> Then this job is obviously worth more than your marriage. You can't make the car payment for your own vehicle?


It's amazing how many BS are prepared to sacrifice their marriage for the job. She can get another job , you won't save your marriage while she has contact with such people especialy if one is the OM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> This coworker is a guy? Oh god!! Is he passing your wife around?


Probably using some of it for himself as well.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

No, the job isn't more important than the marriage. I don't know, maybe there's some weird part of me that wants to deal with as little disaster as possible. Putting ourselves in a major financial bind over this is not something I find attractive, nor do I believe it to be necessary.

Who knows, I am probably in denial about all sorts of **** -- will have to call in the Spanish Inquisition again when she gets home this evening.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Yes, her coworker is a guy. And he's gay. Maybe he, too, had a crush on a beer guy and thought it would fun to try to live out some inner sexual fantasy with this guy through my wife. Who the hell knows?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> Yes, her coworker is a guy. And he's gay. Maybe he, too, had a crush on a beer guy and thought it would fun to try to live out some inner sexual fantasy with this guy through my wife. Who the hell knows?


Did she say he was gay or do you know it for sure, yourself?


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> Yes, her coworker is a guy. And he's gay. Maybe he, too, had a crush on a beer guy and thought it would fun to try to live out some inner sexual fantasy with this guy through my wife. Who the hell knows?


You know we've read stories on here where the WW will say the OM is gay, and it turns out to be a lie. Or maybe like I said, that she has a "rep" for doing these kinds of things before and everyone knows about it.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> You know we've read stories on here where the WW will say the OM is gay, and it turns out to be a lie. Or maybe like I said, that she has a "rep" for doing these kinds of things before and everyone knows about it.


Correction, the OM is a tranny - he's a lesbian trapped in a man's body. :rofl:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> I got pissed at the coworker for doing this, and my wife couldn't understand why.


She couldn't understand her coworker basically calling her a wh0re? She was okay with someone telling OM he could hook up with her if he wanted to? Time for the Tommy Lee face.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

She doesn't a reputation for doing these kinds of things. She employed as the manager there after the other company she worked for went out of business. She had only been working there a few months, and built up a friendship with this coworker of hers. I know this guy's gay. (By the way, the OM isn't gay. The coworker who approached the OM and suggested hooking him up with my wife is gay). I know because I have seen comments he has made about pics of some of my male friends.

Anyway, she built up a friendship with this gay coworker of hers who, apparently, is a real horn-dog and has no problem talking openly with her about all of the guys who come into the store that he thinks are hot. When my wife mentioned that she thought the beer guy was hot, coworker decided to stoke the fire. It was, apparently, only meant as a joke -- kind of picking at my wife for thinking things about the beer man. Neither one of them actually expected beer dude to act on it.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

oh that makes sense, just a few comments on other guys pics makes him gay.

You seem to know the story better then what your wife told you.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

In fact, everyone of our friends was completely shocked to hear what she had done. It has been described as "completely out of character" on several occasions.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I am sorry you are here, friend. BUt you have your head up your a$$. Cheating spouses lie. They lie repeatedly. Betrayed spouses routinely believe their story is different. It's not. There is way more to this story. You are rug-sweeping like a hoover, and you will pay the price. You might want to read a few other posts. My own story might wake you up. If you don't change your approach to her infidelity, you will have greater difficulty down the road.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

keko said:


> oh that makes sense, just a few comments on other guys pics makes him gay.
> 
> You seem to know the story better then what your wife told you.


Well, I have been over the story over and over and over again with my friends and family. I did not reveal EVERYTHING here -- I just gave the very basic details at first. I think everything's kind of out in the open now, though.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> Neither one of them actually expected beer dude to act on it.


The beer man, who's only there for a few minutes each day isn't going to act on it unless your WW is offering it. And that means making it quite obvious she was pursuing him. Jeez, did she at least have the decency to use protection? Did she let him ride her bareback? I'm thinking not, unless she has rubbers availabe in her purse.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

KanDo said:


> I am sorry you are here, friend. BUt you have your head up your a$$. Cheating spouses lie. They lie repeatedly. Betrayed spouses routinely believe their story is different. It's not. There is way more to this story. You are rug-sweeping like a hoover, and you will pay the price. You might want to read a few other posts. My own story might wake you up. If you don't change your approach to her infidelity, you will have greater difficulty down the road.


Will check it out, thanks. I don't want to rugsweep. I don't want to just let her off the hook because I think it might be mostly my fault, which is why I posted here to begin with.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> Will check it out, thanks. I don't want to rugsweep. I don't want to just let her off the hook because I think it might be mostly my fault, which is why I posted here to begin with.


You're only responsible for 50% of the marital problems before the cheating. She's 100% responsible for the cheating itself. She could have worked with you to solve your intimacy issues, instead she chose the easy way and banged, or is banging an OM. Believe me, she blew through many stop signs on the road to cheating.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> Will check it out, thanks. I don't want to rugsweep. I don't want to just let her off the hook because I think it might be mostly my fault, which is why I posted here to begin with.


Considering you didn't kick her out on dday and she's still in your house = rugsweeping for beginners.

Also she likely knew you wouldn't want her to drive longer to the other work place, she offered it to make you feel bad for her. 

Till now all of her plans have been working to the T. You are taking the blame of her affair on yourself while rewriting her affair to make it look very mild/ONS.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Does your wife need to work on herself to improve the marriage?
> 
> YES and moreso than what you need to do, she needs to rebuild the trust that she dashed on the rocks below
> 
> ...


I'll quote this again because it ties directly into what I'm about to say

if you want R then you need to lay down consequences and you need to establish some rules now, if she balks or doesnt do them then you know that you wont have true R

1) NO CONTACT whatsoever with OM, have her hand write a no contact letter and if he ever contacts her she must ignore it and tell you of it right away. If you don't want her to quit her job then perhaps try to inform his workplace what he did on his work hours, maybe he will be fired instead of your wife. I also believe toxic friend should go bye bye, so quitting is really your only option.

2) She must show COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY. All passwords are known to you, if you want to look at her phone she lets you, she informs you of her whereabouts and is an open book. You should also without telling her spy on her to help verify that things haven't gone underground, it will help ease the paranoia you will get.

3) She must demonstrate TRUE REMORSE. Own up to 100% of the affair and not accept blameshifting, trickle truth, or gaslighting. If you are feeling bad, she helps you, she does what it takes to regain trust.

4) You expose OM to his wife, she deserves to know plain and simple

5) Spend 10-15 hours a week of one on one time to help rebond


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Well, there are other reasons for my believing the affair was a one-time thing that is over. She contacted a couple of our close friends and told them about it because she was completely destroyed for having done what she did and needed their advice. She even contacted her sister and told her -- and her sister is the type of person whom my wife would never want to disappoint. I don't see her contacting her sister and telling her if she did not truly feel horrible. She did all of this before she told me because she wanted to tell me and was hoping one of those people would tell her that telling me was the right thing to do.

They all told her not to tell me. Which really sucks, because these are my friends, too. But, she told me anyway because she couldn't live with it.

Whether or not everything she said was true will probably never be determined. But, I do believe that she feels true remorse and could not bring herself into getting into that kind of situation again after feeling and seeing all the hurt it has caused.


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## lovemylife26 (Mar 21, 2012)

MH cheated, I don't think it's my fault but do I blame myself sure do. will I tell him that nope.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Exactly, she covered all of her bases with regards to family and friends to minimize what she did, so you couldn't expose her hard when you came to find out about the affair. The more details you post, the less I believe you're getting the full story, sorry.

On the other hand do you still call friends to these "friends"?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

I have to comment that the tone of your posts makes you sound a little full-of-yourself. Are you doing this to feel in control of the situation?

You admit to lying to her about being aroused by other women. You then admit you did it (you assumed) to avoid "her jealousy". Wow, you were missing COMPLETELY what was going on with your wife because you are so sure you are in control of and know everything!

You don't sound connected emotionally. And the way you describe being aloof and uncaring to secure your marital ends reads as ice cold.

But I could just be reading you wrong. 

One thing is for sure. You do not have the whole story. There is no way it happened the way she says. No way. And it's 100% her choice to cheat. She could have simply told you she'd had enough of your games and filed for divorce- as countless faithful spouses before her have done.

I think she has learned how to manipulate you. She understands your need for feeling in control and is using it against you. And no, going defcon on her tonight is not going to fix anything. You need a real plan of action. 

I hope that being in the right is not so important to you that you can allow your wife to have sex with other men. I also hope calling him howdy doody isn't giving you the feeling that he is beneath you. He is on top of your wife!

I really hope the best for you, just giving my 2 cents and its just one opinion. Listen to the men that have been where you are. Good Luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> Yes, her coworker is a guy. And he's gay. Maybe he, too, had a crush on a beer guy and thought it would fun to try to live out some inner sexual fantasy with this guy through my wife. Who the hell knows?


More than once did some of the forum posters wives cheated with a gay guy. He maybe bisexual too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you call the beer guy's wife and inform her? This is one very good way to end any chances of it resuming again.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

<sigh> I don't understand this place. I am VERY confident it only happened the one time, made her feel terrible, and it never happened again. I don't see how that is not a possible or even plausible scenario.

It was like this: Wife gets a job managing this store. Her assistant manager is a gay guy who threatened to quit the day she came to work because he was worried about his own job security after seeing the previous manager get fired. Wife convinced this coworker of hers that if he stuck around and got to know her, he might actually enjoy working for her. As the next few days pass, wife tried to encourage her assistant to stay by "being cool" with him. This encourages her assistant manager to talk openly to her about his gay-ness and how attractive he finds a lot of the guys that come into the store. He has worked there for years and knows the beer guy fairly well.

Beer guy, who usually only came in once a week to do the orders, starts coming in every morning to buy a redbull and something for breakfast. Wife does not realize he is doing so because he is attracted to my wife. She also finds him attractive, but neither one of them talk about it to each other. One day, my wife tells her assistant manager (during one of their "look at that cute guy" sessions) that she thinks the beer guy is cute. This is the only guy she has said is cute to her assistant manager. To rib her a bit and make her feel uncomfortable (for fun), assistant manager goes up to beer guy and says he can hook beer guy up with my wife. This is when assistant manager finds out that beer guy also thinks my wife is attractive. He tells assistant manager that he likes my wife, but he thinks she is "happily married."

Assistant manager goes back to my wife and tells her that the beer guy also likes her. This gets my wife excited, and she starts thinking about it. She begins to come home and initiate sex with me on a daily basis. Finally, beer guy -- deciding to give it a shot -- approaches my wife and asks her if she would like to hook up. She says, "I's like to talk about it first, but yes." He says "Great", gives her his number, and leaves. She calls him later to talk about it -- tells him that she loves her husband and doesn't want anything to develop between her and beer guy other than just sex. Beer guy tells her he understands, he's been married for 10 years and has never done anything like this himself, but has been attracted to wife since the first day she started working there. They don't make any definite plans to hook up, only they talk about how people know his van and would know if it was where it wasn't supposed to be. That was on a Friday.

On Monday, beer guy comes into the store and -- you know the story. After Monday, my wife gets really depressed -- then tells me what happened a few weeks later.

It seems possible AND plausible that this is how it went down. I don't understand why practically everyone here is thinking she must have been boning her assistant manager, too, and that she must have done beer guy more than once. According to wife, beer guy also felt bad about it and called off any more "encounters" with her before my wife had a chance to (which she was going to do when she approached him the Friday after the event).

Is it not possible ... has it not EVER happened ... that two married people learn of their mutual crushes on each other and get caught up in some fantasy that turned out not to be what they fantasized about? And they feel horrible afterwards? I think it happens quite a bit.

As for my attitude -- yes. I may have been ice cold and overly-confident in my role in my marriage before this affair. My wife had always told me that the thought of me being with another woman made her physically sick, and when she caught me browsing porn on the internet (more than once), her ego was destroyed wondering why I would look at other women when she was right there. I could not honestly tell her that I had ever been sexually aroused by another woman. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me -- for finding other women attractive when my wife had convinced me she only had eyes for me. I didn't want to hurt her again by telling her that just because I am married does not mean I am blind.

My wife was equally surprised by her physical reaction to this beer guy. The whole situation she got caught up in, coupled with my aloof demeanor and unwillingness to be emotionally open to her -- it almost seems like she HAD to do what she did. And, in all honesty, I believe that her having this affair has really opened my eyes to the way I treated her and is forcing me to get back in touch with my feelings towards her and to express them to her regularly.

Of course, it does bother me that -- even though I, too, have been propositioned by other women at times, I never acted on them. I could not ruin my marriage like that. And it hurts to know that my wife did not give me the same consideration before she went through with it herself.

As for the OM's wife -- that is a really touchy situation. I agree that she needs to know what he did. But at this stage in the game, I am more concerned with repairing my own relationship rather than having to get involved in somebody else's. If he chooses to tell his wife, great. If not -- great. I really don't care either way. I want nothing to do with him or his family. Besides, I don't want to do anything that could get my wife fired for what she did.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wouldn't you want to know if your douse was cheating on you?

A simple phone call to his wife wont get your wife fired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

You might be right. I don't know his last name. Don't know if my wife knows his last name. I don't know how his wife would react -- I don't want his wife storming into my wife's job and causing all sorts of havoc with her which might ultimately get her fired if (and when) her company finds out what she did while "on the clock."

Trust me. I want him to hurt as badly as I am hurting. I am just unsure exactly how wise my getting his wife involved would be.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> As for the OM's wife -- that is a really touchy situation. I agree that she needs to know what he did. But at this stage in the game, I am more concerned with repairing my own relationship rather than having to get involved in somebody else's. If he chooses to tell his wife, great. If not -- great. I really don't care either way. I want nothing to do with him or his family. Besides, I don't want to do anything that could get my wife fired for what she did.




you say you dont get us, well I dont get you


Your wife sees OM all the time and even IF she is being true and OM is avoiding her it will destroy your sense of security somewhere down the line and thus ruin your hopes of saving the marriage

trust me on this

I've been exactly where you were, I thought I could trust my wife again so shortly after Dday and she worked with OM as well

IT NEARLY KILLED ME 

the paranoia you will soon get is bad enough, just imagine knowing she has contact almost daily with OM and can easily do more things undetected and unverifiable by you



Your best hope to save the marriage is to definitely kill any possibility of the affair still lingering by exposing to OM's wife and have your wife find another job ASAP

the 5 "rules" I posted prior will help repair the marriage, you need your wife to start working her butt off to save the marriage and help you heal
you cannot do it alone by merely being a super great husband

you can listen to the years of experience that I have now or not, your choice
but I have seen so many cases just like yours over and over again and they all have the same patterns, the same ways BS's react and the same themes, each and every one of them


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

sawtoothjack said:


> You might be right. I don't know his last name. Don't know if my wife knows his last name. I don't know how his wife would react -- I don't want his wife storming into my wife's job and causing all sorts of havoc with her which might ultimately get her fired if (and when) her company finds out what she did while "on the clock."
> 
> Trust me. I want him to hurt as badly as I am hurting. I am just unsure exactly how wise my getting his wife involved would be.


Your reasoning not to tell the OM's wife can be found in the BS fear script. Have no doubt you are making excuses not to tell his wife. Stop; call his wife and let her know the truth and let the chips fall .

Your marriage can be secured if the OM is forced to keep his distance
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> <sigh> I don't understand this place. I am VERY confident it only happened the one time, made her feel terrible, and it never happened again. I don't see how that is not a possible or even plausible scenario.
> 
> It was like this: Wife gets a job managing this store. Her assistant manager is a gay guy who threatened to quit the day she came to work because he was worried about his own job security after seeing the previous manager get fired. Wife convinced this coworker of hers that if he stuck around and got to know her, he might actually enjoy working for her. As the next few days pass, wife tried to encourage her assistant to stay by "being cool" with him. This encourages her assistant manager to talk openly to her about his gay-ness and how attractive he finds a lot of the guys that come into the store. He has worked there for years and knows the beer guy fairly well.
> 
> ...


Hey, if thats good enough for you... then great. It seems you came here asking for unbiased advice, and to an unbiased rational outsider, your wife's behavior is absolutely unacceptable and it certainly doesn't appear to be a one-time thing. I'm not married, but if I were, and my wife decided to blow the beer guy in the closet, I already know that would be the end of our marriage. It seems like you really want to believe it was a one-time thing, so we'll just leave it at that.

Its your relationship, and if you choose to forgive her, and believe its a one time thing, then great! We certainly hope it was, and that you can have a great marriage.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> I've been exactly where you were, I thought I could trust my wife again so shortly after Dday and she worked with OM as well
> 
> IT NEARLY KILLED ME
> 
> ...


:iagree:

The paranoia when they go to work every day is the worst in the world. It never gets any better. Or when you think everything is fine, something goes back to being peculiar...

Please listen to the advice on this thread. You do not want to be where I am right now 5yrs into R...ugh


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The co-worker is a marriage wrecking POS, in my opinion.

I wish you and your wife and your daughter the very best for your future/s. 

I think you need couples counselling.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> And where did coworker get this idea? She's done this more than once and everybody knows about it. Think about it. Hell, she might have even banged this coworker by the brazen way he suggested it to OM.


Really? Some people just know when a co-worker has the hots for a colleague. "Gosh. He/she is so cute" is all that needs to be said for some stuff to get started...


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The co-worker is a marriage wrecking POS, in my opinion.
> 
> I wish you and your wife and your daughter the very best for your future/s.
> 
> I think you need couples counselling.


The co-worker *is not the problem*. The problem was already there in your marriage before the co-worker came into the picture. If she were happily married, there would be no reason for her to blow the beer guy. By the way, I hope you force her to get an STD test.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

domah said:


> The co-worker *is not the problem*. The problem was already there in your marriage before the co-worker came into the picture. If she were happily married, there would be no reason for her to blow the beer guy. By the way, I hope you force her to get an STD test.


I can remember something similar happening at a place I worked at. A female co-worker set up a tryst between two colleagues and wondered why the whole thing blew up in her stupid face.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

The reason you are exasperated with us is because we find it deplorable and also a little hard to believe that someone would risk their job, spouse and family for a one time f**k. It is almost always an affair.

And by the way, if it was only one time and there was no affair? I would be even MORE concerned (not less concerned) that my spouse was so easily able to blow someone off at work.

But as another poster said, if this is ok and you believe her, then why are you here? Go and enjoy your marriage!

Peace.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Definitely seek a marriage counselor. Definitely ask her to start sending out resumes to other places. Definitely get tested. Definitely stand up for yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So other than telling people that she decided to cheat , and went ahead and did it your wife hasn't had to do anything different in her life or behavior? She says My Bad and just goes back to work, back to hanging with the scum bag coworker that encouraged her and set it up, and back to the job where she gets to see the OM on a daily basis.

Sounds like she really leaned her lesson, which is she can choose to cheat, heck it wasn't even a drunken mistake, and nothing bad happens. Nothing. And she won't do it again with him or some other guy because???

First, take care of the OM and contact his wife. Use his contact info your wife has for him to track down his name and the rest of it. Don't warn your wife you are doing this.

Btw. OM no doubt has bragged to hs coworkers about nailing your wife, so I bet word has already gotten around to other drivers that she's available and willing. Guys like that love to brag about stuff like that. Your wife is well known by now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> So other than telling people that she decided to cheat , and went ahead and did it your wife hasn't had to do anything different in her life or behavior? She says My Bad and just goes back to work, back to hanging with the scum bag coworker that encouraged her and set it up, and back to the job where she gets to see the OM on a daily basis.
> 
> Sounds like she really leaned her lesson, which is she can choose to cheat, heck it wasn't even a drunken mistake, and nothing bad happens. Nothing. And she won't do it again with him or some other guy because???
> 
> ...


Actually he rewarded her by being more caring and more loving


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

domah said:


> If she were happily married, there would be no reason for her to blow the beer guy.


Unfortunately, this is not always the case.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> Actually he rewarded her by being more caring and more loving


Yep, he did. So now he's left with an emotional scat, a wife he know she can't trust, meanwhile she is left with her job, her gay buddy, getting to see the OM that's she has the hits for everyday, and the knowledge that she can plan out and have sex with anyone and nothing bad will happen to her.

OP does that about sunup the situation?

Seriously how are you able to stay with her now knowing what sheis capable of doing ? And that her sexually attacking you, was her bring worked up about cheating on you? It's really sick what she did, she used you to take her edge off while she had to wait for her planned hookup. That's very very nasty and callous. Do you honestly think such a person is capable of remorse?

Maybe the real truths that the guy was horrible the sack, or really really smelly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I came here, really, because I have been worried about my recent behavior towards my wife, not so much the affair itself. Those of you who are saying I am rewarding her for her behavior by being more loving and caring towards her are confirming my fears, but, as the title of my thread suggests, perhaps the thing that drove her to the affair was actually my fault and that I really needed to work at being more loving towards her.

I have been afraid that she had her affair because the OM had something going for him that I did not. That he looked a certain way, exuded a certain manliness, was more virile -- I don't know. Well, I have more information about that, which I will reveal momentarily. But, to me, it stood to reason that if I was not making her happy, what good would it be to make her feel even more miserable with me by cursing her out every day, shutting myself away from her even more (physically and emotionally), and forcing her to find a new job when she is so close to really succeeding at this one (maybe causing some resentment towards me later on). 

I know this all sounds like a bunch of ass-paste spilling from the mouth of a newbie who has no idea what he's doing and is naively trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Anyway, she came home from work yesterday and found me lying in bed, depressed. She crawled into the bed beside me, and we had a long talk. Essentially, I told her that I cannot do this on my own. I thought I could, but knowing she gave herself to someone else made me feel so ugly and unloved and that I have been filled with nothing but constant doubt. Then, I made some demands. I told her that she had to: 
1. Get an STD test. I told her that I would have gone myself, but I don't think I should have to endure something like that. She needed to make the appointment, get the test done, and show me the results (she agreed). 

2. Get IC. I explained to her that there was something wrong with her for being able to so easily give up the goods to the first guy who comes along and gives her some attention. She argued with me a bit about this one. She suggested that we go to MC instead, because she thought we needed to work on the marriage. I pointed out to her that she has told me that her actions had nothing to do with me, so why did I need to go to counseling with her ... and I reiterated the point that she so quickly and easily gave it up to this guy without even trying to talk to me about it first. She said, "It was easy right up to the point where it actually happened. Then I felt horrible." I said, "See, that's ****ed up. There's something wrong with you, and you need to go to IC. I will go to IC myself, because I need help in getting past this. Once we have worked out our individual issues, then we can try MC." (she agreed).

3. She had to find a new job. She had to really start looking for something new here in town (her current job is an hour's drive away already), not just check job postings for five minutes once every three weeks. Once she finds something that won't sink us financially, she could put in her two-weeks notice. I know this one was hard for her for the reasons I have already listed (enjoys and is good at the job, will probably be promoted within the year), and she became a bit frustrated at that because she said she knows that there are no feelings for the OM there -- at all -- and she wishes I could know that, but she understood that I have no way of trusting what she said when it came to that. I told her that if she wanted to keep this job and climb the corporate ladder, she should have thought of all that before she did what she did. I asked her to consider how it makes me feel knowing that she is returning to that place, day after day, as if nothing had happened there. Knowing that she has business dealings with this guy regularly and I have no way of running up there to check on her. She said she understood how I felt, and she agreed. (I know you guys are probably going to tell me that I should have had her quit immediately. I'll just have to bite that one. Her quitting without having something else lined up, and not being able to draw unemployment, would add way too much extra stress to an already extremely stressful situation. I couldn't have handled that any other way).

Those were my demands. There was a lot of, "If you can't meet them, then you can pack your **** right now and move in with your sister" from me and some "You're scaring me right now" from her. But, she agreed to all of it, and began looking for a new job.

Later on last night, we talked some more about what she did. We got on the subject of IC, because she had said during dinner that she would like to go to IC if only to learn how to be a better mother. That bothered me. Sure, I want her to develop a better relationship with our daughter, but I did NOT want that to be the focus of her counseling sessions. I told her that I wanted her to figure out what it was with her that made her give in to the OM so easily. The way she had described him before did not make him sound very attractive at all. I told her that I could not understand what she saw in him -- she told me that he was definitely NOT her type (she said he is kind of a hick, and gets a confused look on his face when she uses a big word in dealing with him), and that I was a much better-looking guy. So what was it about him? She said she didn't know. She knew that she was not attracted to him at all when she first started working there in September. She began to think about exactly when she began to see him as attractive in a sexual way, and realized it was about the time when she learned that he liked her. I said, "But you told your coworker you thought OM was 'cute as a button' _before_ you found out he liked you. She said, "Yeah, but that was just 'he's cute in a Howdy Doody kind of way. It wasn't really sexual attraction at all." She said that her coworker ran with that, trying to make a big deal out of nothing, making fun of her for saying beer guy was "cute as a button" and calling him her boyfriend. Then her coworker did what he did and told beer guy, "I know someone who likes you ... " She said that happened in March, and when she found out that beer guy found her attractive, that's when she started to fantasize about him, which was about a week before the actual event.

I said to her that it sounds like it wasn't really the OM that she was attracted to, but the thought of having some spicy, taboo sexual encounter -- and she projected her attraction to that onto him. As I thought about that some more, that theory seemed to really explain a lot of things that my wife had said that didn't really make sense to me. Before, I couldn't understand how she could have a crush on a guy that would just "go away" after getting with him, like she told me it did. I couldn't understand how she could not find him attractive now when she did then.

She said she didn't like thinking that she was a cliche, that she was the kind of wife who didn't get what she needed at home and was led astray. I told her that it made me feel terrible that I had not been meeting her desires, despite her telling me numerous times what she needed. And I also told her (and this is the truth), that the knowledge that it was the fantasy and not the OM would probably lay to rest a lot of issues I have been struggling with.

So, I think she and I need to go to MC. I ordered the book "The Married Man's Sex Life Primer". And, my plans now are to try to do everything I can to keep our sex life fresh.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Can you confirm the details of what she did through a 3rd party?(Or through the OM) She seems to be minimizing a lot. A lot of WS do it after the D-day. Common reasons


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

I really wish I could confirm the details. Unfortunately, as I have said, her job is an hour's drive away. The people she's involved with up there (the vendors, her toxic coworker, etc.) are not people I come into contact with regularly. I could ask her coworker, but he doesn't really know me from Adam and there is no reason for him not to cover for his boss if confronted. I really don't want anything to do with the OM. I don't even want to see him. 

Sometimes I think she's minimizing also, because I want to hope that everything she is saying is the 100% truth. Because, really, her story is the only one I have and will ever have. When I think about her minimizing, though -- she has given me details that she knew would hurt me and could have kept from me (like blowing the guy and liking what he was saying while doing so), but she chose to tell me them. I don't know why she would reveal such hurtful details if she wanted to minimize the entire thing.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I'm really sorry you are here.
I understand how you would feel "you" were to blame, or failed in some aspect. 
Choices.
Everyone has them.
Until you choose to accept that you can only control yourself and you cannot change the past, she is free to break your heart over and over again until you are no longer able to continue.

Choices. You choose to seek MC and a forum to ask how to fix things. She did not. That speaks to her emotional maturity, actually. And raises the question of whether or not she has done this before. Or will do it again. Especially since a 3rd party was involved, and everyone "reminded" her she is married.

This happens in a lot of marriages. Needs not understood. But people make other choices. It's an opinion that it's your fault. Focus on the facts. Don't let opinions rule your sense of self.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I'm glad to see you are taking positive steps in reclaiming your confidence

Post Dday the BS's confidence is destroyed, often the BS will be so afraid of losing their spouse that they will look to do things that will not push their spouse further away, including taking the blame upon themselves like you have and not give their spouse the necessary consequences or put them to the ultimate test of "AP or me" or it's over.

What the BS fails to recognize is that the WS is often more scared than the BS. Either because they truly don't want to lose the marriage and their spouse or because they will lose their cake eating ways and back up plan. Thus it is imperative that these consequences get implemented so at the very least it is determined whether or not the WS is willing to do the hard work of helping their spouse heal from the huge breach of trust.

and so far it appears your wife is willing to do what you need, a very positive sign

I still think you need to make a few more steps like exposing OM to his wife and getting the NC letter done but the manner in which you are talking to your wife and the way in which you are getting what you need to heal is very encouraging.


R is a long hard road but can be worthwhile to those who attack the adultery head on without rugsweeping.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

True. I do NOT accept that it was entirely my fault. Personally, I could NEVER do what she did if I felt like my needs were being ignored without going through every possible recourse first. And I would probably divorce her before I cheated on her. It unnerves me to no end that she is the type of person who could do that to someone she supposedly "loves". But, it does say a lot that she could not hide it from me. If she had any intention at all of continuing anything with this guy, she could have easily kept me from it and never told me. I would not have found out. But, she came clean on her own.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> True. I do NOT accept that it was entirely my fault. Personally, I could NEVER do what she did if I felt like my needs were being ignored without going through every possible recourse first. And I would probably divorce her before I cheated on her. It unnerves me to no end that she is the type of person who could do that to someone she supposedly "loves". But, it does say a lot that she could not hide it from me. If she had any intention at all of continuing anything with this guy, she could have easily kept me from it and never told me. I would not have found out. But, she came clean on her own.


and that is a rarity on these boards, so much so that many posters will scream that she was likely afraid that someone else would tell you first. (we're all cynical bastards, lol) Regardless, I think her confession is another positive sign that she will demonstrate true remorse. Just don't overvalue it in the long run, it is a redeeming quality but not an absolution.


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## BrokenMan (Nov 26, 2011)

@sawtoothjack - I have been where you are. I have rug swept and blamed myself, and still tried to view my wife through rose-tinted glasses.

My wife cheated on me. Plain and simple.

My wife lied about me to everyone she knew (and some that I knew).

My wife continued contact with OM after swearing to me that she had gone NC.

Even after all of that, I still tried to convince myself that I should stay for the kids. I tried to justify her actions. It was only after hearing her on the phone to her OM (via VAR) that I truly got the measure of my so-called soul mate.

There may be problems in a marriage but that is no excuse for cheating. If things were really so terrible that she was looking for out, and she could not carry on in the marriage, then she should have left first, not sought solice in another man's bed.

In my opinion (by reading your post) you sound like a nice, reasonable guy. Why would your partner feel unable to approach you about marital problems?


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Get tested for STD's. How many "girls" does this guy have on his delivery route?

I'm a woman, and I see it differently.
Yes, she told you.
Guilty about USING him. That's what makes this a little more harsh. It's not like she was getting her emotional needs met, and sharing her life with this guy. She had a 10 minute physical encounter, they made it clear she was married and was just looking for some fun for a bit. 
So why would she tell you about it? 
She wanted you to know.
And I don't believe you would not have found out. Too many people involved. Stories about backrooms at work don't get shushed. 

So here you are... professing your love for her, and she's letting you know what a slime she thinks SHE is. 

Maybe she tried in the past to change things, and nothing happened. It escalates. She does something rash. 
And you still don't toss her to the street. NOW you are ready to do what she wants? 

Boundaries. Manipulation.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

BrokenMan said:


> In my opinion (by reading your post) you sound like a nice, reasonable guy. Why would your partner feel unable to approach you about marital problems?


Thank you. The thing is, she HAD approached me about marital problems. Oftentimes, I would crawl into bed beside her and begin reading a book while she would be trying to put the moves on me while I ignored her. She had asked me once if I was gay or something because she couldn't understand how I could not react to her coming onto me the way she did. She told me how hurt and unattractive I made her feel when I acted like that.

During those conversations, I would say things like, "I'm sorry. Work stresses me out (I'm a teacher. It IS stressful) and all I really want to do most nights is relax with a book and get some sleep." Basically shutting out what she was really telling me.

Want to mutilate my own balls now for treating her that way.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

deejov:

I'm sorry, but I can't really make out the tone of your post. Are you berating me for not meeting her needs? Or are berating her for cheating?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sawtoothjack said:


> Oftentimes, I would crawl into bed beside her and begin reading a book while she would be trying to put the moves on me while I ignored her. She had asked me once if I was gay or something because she couldn't understand how I could not react to her coming onto me the way she did. She told me how hurt and unattractive I made her feel when I acted like that.


Well, there you go. The #1 key bit of information we should have heard back on page 1. She needed to find out if there was something wrong with her, thus the guy.

Order this book and start using the invitations, once a week. Get your passion back: http://www.amazon.com/Invitations-Grrreat-Sex-Laura-Corn/dp/0962962899


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

turnera said:


> Well, there you go. The #1 key bit of information we should have heard back on page 1. She needed to find out if there was something wrong with her, thus the guy.
> 
> Order this book and start using the invitations, once a week. Get your passion back: Amazon.com: 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex (9780962962899): Laura Corn: Books


Thank you. I will order a copy of this as well. Additionally, we have made plans to have my daughter spend a week with her cousins this summer and my wife will take a week of vacation time for her and I to really reconnect. Will visit an adult novelty store and put my new books to good use.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

sawtoothjack said:


> We have talked and talked about what caused her to do that, and I have been praised by our friends and family for being a "real man" and not walking out on her and our daughter and trying to work it out.


No, a real man with not put up with this level of disrespect and have the dignity to walk away. She has shown you that she can easily break her marital vows and has questionable morals. It wasn’t like she was drunk, she WANTED it and made a conscience choice just to have “fun”. It wasn’t an exit affair; it was a knife in your back.

Even if she never cheats again the damage is already done. This will NEVER go away, twenty years from now this is still going to be on your mind. What you are not understanding is you are going to hit the anger stage full force in a few months and you are going to regret taking such a passive attitude towards this. If my W did this I would D out of principle because it would have told me she was not the woman I thought she was and I couldn’t live with myself remaining with someone who would do that.

In time you will understand why everyone is being so harsh, right now you are still in shock and not seeing the big picture but that will pass. Sometimes the best advice you get is the ones you don’t want to hear.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ArmyofJuan said:


> No, a real man with not put up with this level of disrespect and have the dignity to walk away.



guess me, LordMayhem, Beowulf, Hurthusband, and many others on this site are not "real men". Thanks for the opinion

Wanting R under the right circumstances and conditions to me has nothing to do with being a "real man".

This crap seriously needs to stop on this board. Yes, divorce under any infidelity is a valid opinion to hold. Questioning one's masculinity if they don't choose that just shows you have an agenda and an axe to grind.

And I'm not trying to single you out Juan as I usually like what you have to say, but this is becoming a group think/mob mentality among a subset of posters here.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

ArmyofJuan said:


> If my W did this I would D out of principle because it would have told me she was not the woman I thought she was and I couldn’t live with myself remaining with someone who would do that.


This is something I told myself before I got married. I had the honor of being present while my dad was confronted with his affair, causing him to walk out on my mother, my sister, and I right in front of us. I told myself I could never do that to my wife and children -- and I would never tolerate someone doing it to my own family.

I think, however, that I was naive in that. I don't think every situation of infidelity is black and white. I think this will be on my mind 20 years from now whether I get a divorce tomorrow or not. What I want to do right now, and what my wife wants to do, is to try to work out and rebuild a stronger relationship. I spent the last 14 years of my life with this woman -- I am not going to allow one 10-minute horrendous mistake tear that apart, particularly if my own behavior was a huge factor in causing it to happen. This marriage is too important to me to NOT to try.

If it DOES happen again, however, there will be absolutely no resolvable excuse for it. I will see to that.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> :
> 
> I think, however, that I was naive in that. I don't think every situation of infidelity is black and white. I think this will be on my mind 20 years from now whether I get a divorce tomorrow or not. What I want to do right now, and what my wife wants to do, is to try to work out and rebuild a stronger relationship. I spent the last 14 years of my life with this woman -- I am not going to allow one 10-minute horrendous mistake tear that apart, particularly if my own behavior was a huge factor in causing it to happen. This marriage is too important to me to NOT to try.
> 
> ...


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

sawtoothjack said:


> <sigh> I don't understand this place. I am VERY confident it only happened the one time, made her feel terrible, and it never happened again. I don't see how that is not a possible or even plausible scenario. . . . .
> 
> . . . . .I think, however, that I was naive in that. I don't think every situation of infidelity is black and white. I think this will be on my mind 20 years from now whether I get a divorce tomorrow or not. What I want to do right now, and what my wife wants to do, is to try to work out and rebuild a stronger relationship. I spent the last 14 years of my life with this woman -- I am not going to allow one 10-minute horrendous mistake tear that apart, particularly if my own behavior was a huge factor in causing it to happen. This marriage is too important to me to NOT to try.


I am with you. There is no reason to believe it could not happen the way she said. She is quite the hottie, you can use that in the future I hope and it sounds like you are planning to do so.

She is remorseful and you are in turn enlightened on certain aspects of your behavior in the marriage. I think you are taking the right path.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

OP,
My understanding is:
Your wife chose to have sex with a delivery man. She was wooed by a gay coworker. And she chose to ignore the value of marital promises and the family.
She confessed to her sister, who advised for non-disclosure. Your wife, could not hold the guilt and confessed. In effect, she took it off from her chest and now you have the burden. You are now wondering about your deficiencies and the means to overcome the deficiencies.
From your recent posts, it seems that you have decided to R. 
AlmostRecovered has already told you about the arduous R. 
You also need to learn to deal with anger. Take to counseling.
You should also keep a vigil on your wife for a long time to come - for the REAL R.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whatever you do, do-----at least get her away from that location---i do not care what it costs---repeated contact with those 2, will just keep the A., in both of your minds----also make her sign a POST--NUP.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> More than once did some of the forum posters wives cheated with a gay guy. He maybe bisexual too.


Just recalling a friend who, when she was pregnant, her husband ran off with her best friend, who was a lesbian.

As she -the lesbian- was living with her long term girlfriend, her girlfriend was also gutted as she was as clueless as the wife. 

The whole thing was a damn terrible mess.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

domah said:


> Hey, if thats good enough for you... then great. It seems you came here asking for unbiased advice, and to an unbiased rational outsider, your wife's behavior is absolutely unacceptable and it certainly doesn't appear to be a one-time thing. I'm not married, but if I were, and my wife decided to blow the beer guy in the closet, I already know that would be the end of our marriage.


Yes, but if you WERE married and your wife DID do that, you know something? You might think differently. If you had a marriage and thought it worth working for.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> guess me, LordMayhem, Beowulf, Hurthusband, and many others on this site are not "real men". Thanks for the opinion



Real men have army.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

There is something you haven't touched on with regard to your wife's job.

Doesn't she realize that people no doubt at work have been gossiping about her having a make out session in the office and quickie in the backroom later? That's seriously hot gossip and no doubt has spread like wildfire behind her back. Her chance at a "promotion" is likely very much over at this point. She's wasting her time there, the entire office is having a good laugh at her behind her back.

The same goes for the OM. He's a delivery guy. do you want to guess how many people he has told about the easy gal he bagged in the backroom? I bet there's been more than few other drivers who've dropped by to check out what she looks like and hit on her.

Her actions have made that job totally toxic. I'm surprised she hasn't noticed this, but I've worked in enough in places like that to know she is the talk of the place, and will be for quite a while.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

sawtoothjack said:


> deejov:
> 
> I'm sorry, but I can't really make out the tone of your post. Are you berating me for not meeting her needs? Or are berating her for cheating?


Just a comment that she was getting your attention by telling you what she did.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey sawtooth---Your wife messed up the mge., with her cheating---BUT------unfortunately, you are trying to excuse yourself out of responsibility for somewhat driving her to that point

You are a teacher, and it is stressful---sorry but it is not that stressful, that you can use it as an excuse to help destroy your own mge.

1st you will not ever lose your job, unless you do something immoral----2nd you will always have basically enuff money to get by, unless you overspend---3rd---you do not work beyond your 8 hours, if you were working longer than the 8 hours and bringing work home, then shame on you-------if you are teaching the same subject year after year, you pretty much have it all down pat---so where is your great stress, that would cause you to ignore your wife to the extent, that she would run to the arms of a "badboy", which the whole situation was egged on by this nerd of a co-worker-----If your wife was truly in that bad of a shape mge, wise---that she allowed this co-worker to egg her into a situation where the mge, was gonna be destroyed, then it had to be much worse, than both of you are letting on-----your stress as a teacher, did not cause your bad behavior----maybe you need to look deeply inside of you, and find out why you took your wife for granted

Once again---your wife was totally wrong/out of line for what she did-------but you are throwing out excuses everywhere, for everything--------

This is your life, so you get to live it, but I am really wondering where this will all end---cuz it just really doesn't sound like you will do much about any of this------I have my doubts as to whether you would leave, no matter how bad she cheated on you, and if she does not do the heavy lifting, which the adulterous spouse is responsible for---would you really leave----I just don't think so.--------The person/persons in this whole mess, who I am really sad for is your child/children.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Thank you all for taking the time to read about my situation and giving your honest opinions -- whether they were what I wanted to hear or not.  A quick update, after the weekend has come and gone:

I had hit a couple of really low points on Thursday and Friday of last week. I described the feeling to my wife as this (and it may not be the best metaphor, but it was the best that I came up with on the spur of the moment):

My emotional state is like a bucket of water I carry around with me. When the weight of the bucket feels normal, I feel normal. My wife's news of her affair was like her dropping a pile of heavy objects into the bucket, weighing it down, each object representing a fear, doubt, question, etc. Every once in a while, one of these objects would bob to the surface and I would have to deal with it in order to remove it from the bucket. I would deal with it in a number of ways ... sometimes it would be from talking to other people (like you loyal folks), sometimes it would be from writing about my feelings, but most of the time it would be from talking to her. Well, on Friday night, I felt like I had really dealt with many of the big issues except for one: How could she do that to me? I knew the why, the who, the when, the where, the how often, etc. But I really needed to know the "how" she was capable of doing something like that.

In order to make sure every other question was truly laid to rest, I got up in the middle of night and got my hands on her iPhone. She never syncs her phone with iTunes, and I knew there was a way of recovering her deleted text messages from her phone. Well, I succeeded in doing so, and spent much of the rest of the night deciphering those text messages in WordPad. What I saw confirmed that everything she told me about the situation was the absolute truth. The way she described the affair to her friends in texts was exactly how she described it to me, including not being attracted to the guy, not climaxing when she was with him, and that she felt terrible and could never do it again. There were even a couple of texts between her and the guy -- and that conversation went this way:

Her: "I put up your beer display myself, so there is no need for you to come out."

Him: "What if I wanted to come out?"

Her: "Ugh. That really won't be necessary."

Him: "Damn."

That was the last text between her and him, and it was sent over a month ago.

I asked her why she deleted that text, and she said she knew it would bother me if I saw him talking to her that way and did not want me to have to deal with it. In actuality, I am glad she deleted it for me to "discover" (which she did not know I could do). The way she handled herself in this particular business transaction verified that it was over for her, and this conversation was something she took part in believing that I would never see it.

But the question remained -- How could she do that to me? To our daughter? What was wrong with her, or her life, or me, that would cause her to so easily toss aside the vows she made to me to have this encounter at all?

We talked about it all day and most of the night on Saturday. I forced her to look at sides of herself that she did not want to face. It was easier for her to "know" that it was over and to "know" that it could never happen again, and just move forward from there. I told her that it was not so easy for me. I told her that if one day the sun didn't rise -- everyone would freak out (assuming, of course, that the sun not rising would have been the only thing out of the ordinary and there would be no real effects like the Earth spinning out of its orbit as everything almost instantly turned to ice). And if the day after the event, the sun rose again, and continued to do so every day after that -- people would not be satisfied by believing that it was all back to normal -- that the sun not rising was just a fluke event that could never happen again. I told her that the fact that it happened ONCE proves that she is capable of doing it, and she needed to examine and take care of the issue or issues that caused it to be absolutely sure it could never happen again.

I don't want to rehash the whole conversation here, and I don't want anything to think that my summary of it makes it sound like easy excuses or conclusions. This was the result of a very long conversation between the both of us.

Essentially, she came to believe that something from her childhood (maybe it was her first sexual experience with a boy right after she turned 13 ... or something else (her IC might help draw that out)) has made her get a lot of her self-worth and validation from sex, from having a man desire her so much that he needs to satisfy that desire with her. I reminded her of who she was when I first met her. She majored in Philosophy in college, and very headstrong when it came to morality and ethics. I told her when I met her, I was at a time in my life that I really needed a clear path to follow, a rational system of morality on which I could base my decisions (she and I are both atheists, so just saying, "The Bible tells us this ..." was not an option). I told her that she really turned me around and made me a much better person, and I use a lot of what she taught me in my classroom on a daily basis (I deal with students whose system of right and wrong is basically determined on whether or not someone gets caught in the act). I told her that through her I am making differences in the lives of others -- and she should get her self-worth from that. Not sex. I told her that the old her would have been tearing her apart right now listening to some of the stuff she was saying. I told her that the old her would point out that if self-validation comes from a man wanting to have sex with you -- then common street *****s should be the proudest people among us, and that she should be no more proud of herself than the students I have who get caught screwing in the graveyard behind our school.

The conversation really struck a chord with her. She dusted off her old philosophy books and wants to regain her old self again -- and she wants to start by teaching our daughter the system of morality and ethics and decision-making that many atheists rely on.

I told her she could also start with that coworker of hers who egged this whole thing on to begin with. She remembered him telling her, in regards to the incident, that he didn't see what the big deal was. I told her that he obviously has no idea about self respect himself if he could not possibly see how betraying the man you have vowed your life to -- and who has put his trust in you for 14 years -- could not be a big deal. She nodded, and agreed, and said that her coworker really has no self respect and has massive issues with his own esteem. She agreed to talk with him today, and I look forward to hearing how that conversation went. If she is truly back to her old self, she will make him feel really small and petty and horrible for what he did -- and may get him to change the way he looks at the world. I just want to hear her tell him herself how ****ed up he is. Personally, I don't care if he changes --although, I think the conversation will be a boost to my wife's self worth as well.

Additionally, we talked openly about my own deficiencies when it came to making her feel wanted and desired. In a way, I had the damaging view of my wife as someone who existed only for me. And that made me feel really secure in my marriage to her. And, part of what made me believe that I had achieved that was because I had purposefully (early on in the relationship) made her believe that I did not desire her as much as she desired me. I felt I had to play that psychological game with her in order to make her desire me more and give me all the power in the relationship.

It's horrible, I know. But, I really HAVE desired her sexually -- and her affair has really caused me to open my eyes to her as a human being independent of her relationship with me, with real needs and insecurities that need to be met by me. I am working on allowing myself to express my feelings for her more often -- to actually tell her when something she does is turning me on, rather than watching her silently and waiting for her to initiate sex later.

Thankfully, it is not very difficult for me to do these things for her, and I have noticed a real change in how she responds to me sexually as well.

Suffice it say, yesterday and this morning (so far), I have actually felt normal for the first time in nearly two months. The bucket feels like it weighs how it should, and the knot in my gut that I have been carrying around is no longer there. I even find myself consciously calling up images of my wife and the OM to see if I can get that knot to return. It hasn't. So far. I mean, if there is one thing I have learned about myself is that I can be emotionally unpredictable. Who knows what the future will bring. But, I am excited about facing it with her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

an excellent update but I will caution you in regards to the last paragraph


I am also an athiest, a logical thinker and man who views the world in many ways like you do. I also went through a stage where I thought I would be just fine and my reconciliation was not only with my wife but with myself as you point out.

It doesn't last

and I don't say this to make you feel bad after such a productive day, I am very happy you are making positive steps, you aren't rug-sweeping this, you are verifying your wife's words through her action, etc

but this sort of healing is a non-linear process

imagine a graph that has peaks and valleys but the general trend is a positive one. (two steps forward, one step back, 3 steps forward, 2 steps back, etc)

I just bring this up so you are prepared and don't dwell in the morass when you have a bad day and to approach it in a detached manner. You will have paranoid bouts, you will have further anger, you will have further depression, you will want to ask the same questions again for validation, you will hate OM, you will depise your wife's actions, you will hate yourself and wonder what you could have done to prevented it, etc etc

It's all "normal" and I bring it up not only for that reason but also to help prevent you from trying to bury it and rug-sweep again. When you have those bad days, you go to your wife and let her bear the brunt of the fall-out. You tell her what you need to feel better and if she is it for the long haul and wants that gift of R she will do it. Do not suppress those feelings, do not be afraid to "beat a dead horse" or chase her away. It's her onus to help you through this. It's exactly what we mean by saying the WS needs to do the heavy lifting.



But again, it's great to hear this update, I still implore you to expose the OM sooner than later.


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## sawtoothjack (May 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> an excellent update but I will caution you in regards to the last paragraph
> 
> 
> I am also an athiest, a logical thinker and man who views the world in many ways like you do. I also went through a stage where I thought I would be just fine and my reconciliation was not only with my wife but with myself as you point out.
> ...


Agreed, and thank you for the advice. The biggest blow that I am dealing with at the moment is, as I mentioned in my last post, being forced to see my wife as a human being who does not exist only for me. I brought this up to her last night -- how I worry when I catch her staring off into space with a serious expression on her face that some part of her is mourning the loss of the affair, or if she is silently debating with herself that she really wants me and this marriage and not something else. She quickly responded with, "No! Today I have been thinking a lot about what we talked about, and about how I want to go about preparing the philosophy course with our child. I will always want you, and I feel so grateful and lucky that you haven't walked out on me. In fact, I feel worried that I will drive you away because I want to be joined at your hip all the time ... and I know how much you like your space."

Listening to her say that ... that **** about me liking my space ... let me know that I, too, have a long way to go to show her that I DO desire her in my life and want to be with her as well.

And I don't think I can possibly rug sweep any negative emotions I have. I wear them on my sleeve, and my wife notices every time I am having an issue, and many times she initiates a conversation herself -- despite knowing that it can result in me making her rehash the whole episode over and over and over. So, she's been a real trooper so far, and both of us realize that constant, open conversation is necessary for real healing.

As for the OM ... ugh.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Great update. I truly believe that many affairs, even a ONS, can benefit a marriage because it wakes us up from our 'first' stage of marriage, in which we take each other and the marriage for granted, and we move on to the 'second' stage, in which we thank our stars for what we have and work hard to make it better every single day.

Just make sure she DOES go to therapy, ok? I was like her in terms of early partners, and I'm here to tell you it does a HORRIBLE number on one's self esteem, self worth, and everything in between. At least for a girl. 

As for buckets, may I suggest another analogy? Have you ever heard of the Love Bucket, or Love Bank? Think of a bucket, in which your partner invests in you. If she Love Busts (hurts) you, each LB she does to you pokes a hole in that bucket. If she does enough LBs, when she goes to meet your Emotional Needs (how she shows love to you), it won't matter. She's already done too much damage to your Love Bucket by poking all those holes in it. No matter how many ENs she tries to meet by filling your bucket, they'll all just flow right back out, through all the holes she punched. "There's a hole in my bucket, dear Lizah..." 

Does that make sense? For instance, my husband uses Qtips every single day to clean out his ears, which grosses me out, but whatever. But he leaves the dirty ones lying all over the place, instead of throwing them away. Or he'll 'aim' for the trash can and miss, and guess who ends up having to pick them up? He KNOWS they upset me, I've told him many times. Yet he continues to do it, because he cares more for his own routine than he does for my happiness. That's a huge LB to me, because he chooses to still leave them all over the place. Something so small, such a tiny issue, and yet it leaves me feeling unloved. Now, say he were to bring me roses because he senses me upset. Would that EN-meeting (roses) make up for the LB (Qtips)? No, it wouldn't.

Bottom line, you can't meet your spouse's ENs and show them you love them, if you're still LBing them. So fix the LBs first. Here are some links to what I think I'm not doing a great job explaining. You can both fill out the LB questionnaire to find out how you LB each other, so you can work on eliminating the LBs from your life. I highly recommend it.

Love Busters
Love Busters Questionnaire


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

So the thing about atheism is there are no moral absolutes. You pick the parameters of your phiosophy like picking fruit. Any day/time you like you can just change them again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

chapparal said:


> So the thing about atheism is there are no moral absolutes. You pick the parameters of your phiosophy like picking fruit. Any day/time you like you can just change them again.


Essentially religious people do the same thing, they just pick and choose what they like out of the bible 

But do you really want to derail this thread with this?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Your wife's story, as others have pointed out, is riddled with holes.

Now, you seem like a bright enough guy. So, take a look at this crap story.
First, co-workers do not, out of the blue, tell strange delivery guys that they can hook him up with a married woman. The co-worker had some reason to feel this was okay. You need to find out what that reason is.
Second, your wife is asking you to accept that she , essentailly, had no type of connection to this guy who resembles Howdy Doodie, but, in very short order consented to blow him and have intercourse.
So, are you buying that your wife would blow etc some guy that she had minimal contact with prior to the blowing? If that is true, you have one sleazy wife. 
Rather, I would suggest that this blowing was a long time coming(pun intended).
Your wife and this guy have been hot for each other and cultivating this for a fairly long time, IMO. And, I doubt this is your wife's first rodeo, thus the co-worker feeling secure in the knowledge that he had the capability of "hooking her up."
The co-worker knows the real wife. You do not know who or what your wife really is.
Sorry for the pain your wife has brought you.


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