# Lost and confused... Will this pass?



## LoveandFaith (May 11, 2010)

My husband and I have been married for three years. We were married young, about a year after college graduation. We have no children. He is everything I wanted in a husband. 

Shortly after moving to be with him, I found a fantastic job that I was passionate about. I was traveling often and loving every minute of it. I was destined to work for this company. I had my early doubts about marriage then, but I'd brush it aside whenever I was home, because I thought how could I question a life with such a loving man. Overtime, I kept suppressing my issues and focusing on work. I loved working and wouldn't mind putting in all the crazy hours and last minute trips. It made me happy. I loved traveling and being on my own. 

Somewhere along the way I re-connected with one of my ex's who always remained a good friend of mine. We lived in different cities, so I never saw him too often. It began so innocent but eventually evolved into an emotional attachment. We were always comfortable with one another so it was easy for the feelings to re-surface again. Quite unexpectedly, the feelings grew very very strong and we made each other happy. We loved each other and probably always will. I began questioning my marriage even more and wondering if I would be happier with this old flame. After a year, we cut communication to let me deal with myself and this current situation. I miss him every day and a large part of me wants to be with him. I've never felt more lost and confused in my entire life. I'm seeking counseling and keep waiting for things to get better... I'm waiting for answers to come to me.

My husband and I haven't been happy for a while. This is largely my fault, but he wasn't perfect either. I caught him talking to someone early on in the marriage, but we forgave the situation and moved on. He's a great man and would make a wonderful father, but I feel as though I should be happier. My job makes me happy, but why doesn't my husband? We're spending more time together to try and focus on us. I desperately wish I felt for him the same way I used to.... But I continue to wake up every day and think of my ex and the possible future we could have together. I try and convince myself this is a phase and it will pass.... but I cannot suppress those feelings any longer. I pray every day for answers and contentment, but nothing yet. A huge part of me wants some time to myself that I missed a few years ago... I long for that independent state that I missed out on. 

Any advice? Any help? My greatest fear is that we stay together... eventually have children... and I find myself in this same uncertain situation 20 years from now with 3+ kids... I don't want that in my future. I want to deal with this now as best I can. Please help!


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

First suggestion is to seek counseling. And cutting off communication with your ex was a good to do. It will be difficult and I honestly don't know if you will ever not be able to think about him, but you and your husband need to learn how to reconnect and build a better marriage. Your spouse won't fulfill ever need that you have, and while you think that someone else may better, remember the grass is always greener on the other side. Part of why you and your ex work so well now is that there isn't any real world work involved in your relationship. It's all part of a fantasy world.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The instant you regained contact with your ex, you started to rewrite your history. From your standpoint, I KNOW you THINK you were always doubting your marriage. But I have seen dozens and dozens of people in your place do the exact same thing. And the interesting thing is that, when these women STOP contact with the ex and remove that 'what if' from the equation, the fog clears, and they realize they had been lying to themselves so they could justify contacting the ex.

It's human nature. It's psychology.

The only way you can EVER know you're doing the right thing is to tell your ex that you can NEVER EVER speak to him again. 

That way, no matter what happens in your marriage, you'll know it wasn't because you were having an emotional affair.


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## LoveandFaith (May 11, 2010)

Yes, agreed. But bottom line... I don't want to be married right now. Also, there were others in the way long before the EA began with the ex. He was just a detour on this lost path. Now I'm questioning if I really want to give it up now?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There were others...what? Men?


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## LoveandFaith (May 11, 2010)

Yes, another man that meant nothing and a woman on his side. I'll never know if anything really happened between them, but at this point, I don't want to know. The EA has been a struggle, because the feelings are real and I know we could end up happy together. I'm trying to focus now on me... Why I don't want to be married and spend some time to myself. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but if he was fulfilling my every need then I wouldn't constantly be searching for something else. I'm not being fair to him at all right now.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So why don't you expend that energy into finding out how to make your marriage better? You DID take a vow, right?


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## LoveandFaith (May 11, 2010)

Yes and we are. We are working on our marriage and have been for some time now. I know how I should think and feel and what's right. But my true feelings are not adding up. I'm hoping time will help.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Several things to ponder



> My husband and I haven't been happy for a while. This is largely my fault, but he wasn't perfect either. I caught him talking to someone early on in the marriage, but we forgave the situation and moved on.


You make note that neither you, nor your husband are happy, and haven't been for some time. Barring the obvious (that you are filtering your view of the marriage through the fantasy of your ongoing affair), what have EACH of you done in order to change this feeling of unhappiness? What have you done regarding this that honors your marriage vows?



> He's a great man and would make a wonderful father, but I feel as though I should be happier. My job makes me happy, but why doesn't my husband? We're spending more time together to try and focus on us


You 'feel' (don't you mean you THINK) you should be happier. This may or may not be true, but it does point out that you misunderstand the concept of happiness. It is not something outside of you. Other people do not create your happiness. It is entirely internal, it is your personal response to your environment. That means that there is NO guarantee that you will be any happier anywhere else. In fact, it can be safely said that you will NOT be happier anywhere else, simply because you are laboring under the misconception that happiness is created outside of yourself. You will simply find yourself moving from situation to situation trying to find something that you cannot.

What steps are you taking in this 'time together' to focus? What specifically are you both doing?



> I desperately wish I felt for him the same way I used to....


Things to consider here:

1) If you have confused the excitement of a new relationship, the novelty of discovery, etc., with happiness, then this will explain why you do not feel the same way about him. At that time it was all new and exciting. Now you know him.

And that is the danger in this misconception of happiness. You will do the same thing in EVERY relationship. Unless you learn to find happiness within yourself, wherever you are, you will always need to move on in an ever disappointing search.

2) What changed from when you were first together to the state you are in now, where you do not feel the same way you once did? Again, barring the obvious (the fog of the ongoing affair) - and something perhaps a little less obvious - the honeymoon stage is probably over, now a more mature relationship is required...



> But I continue to wake up every day and think of my ex and the possible future we could have together. I try and convince myself this is a phase and it will pass.... but I cannot suppress those feelings any longer.


This is the affair, continuing. It does need to end, because unless it does, you will not be able to work on you, on what you need to figure out about yourself that makes such thoughts so overwhelming. 



> I pray every day for answers and contentment, but nothing yet.


To whom are you praying? If you are praying to the God that tells you to remain faithful to your spouse, it's quite possible you WON'T get the answers you keep hoping to get - He won't change His ideals just to make you happy. The principles that underlie the concept of marriage involve a commitment that demonstrates deliberate action and perseverance.



> A huge part of me wants some time to myself that I missed a few years ago... I long for that independent state that I missed out on.


Again, this is the fog of the affair talking. 



> The EA has been a struggle, because the feelings are real and I know we could end up happy together.


All feelings are real, so this is pretty much a meaningless statement. What is important is the fact that you are turning your vows to your husband into lies. And you do NOT 'know' you could end up happy together. You are not God, you are not omniscient. Moreover, you have a track record of failure in this department, eh? You were convinced when you married your husband that you would be happy - how'd that work out for ya?

You want happiness to happen to you. It will not. It only comes from internal, and only when you are doing what is right. 



> I'm trying to focus now on me... Why I don't want to be married and spend some time to myself. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but if he was fulfilling my every need then I wouldn't constantly be searching for something else. I'm not being fair to him at all right now.


It does sound a bit selfish - do you want a slave or a friend. What if he said the same thing? That if only you filled his EVERY need, he wouldn't be off chasing after others. What would YOU do then?

However, you hit close to home with that. _SPECIFICALLY_ what are your needs? _SPECIFICALLY_ what are HIS needs? How diligently are you both working at filling them? How long have you been doing these _SPECIFIC_ tasks?

No one can convince you to return to your marriage. No one can convince you to honor your vows, nor to do the work necessary to recover what you once had, and to move further - to get to relationship where affairs are not likely to happen, and you find out how to be happy. 

All we can do is state that there are ways to recover, there are things you can do to bring back the old flame, and there are steps you can take to become happy. 

Or, you can run off chasing rainbows. But at least you have the knowledge that you could have saved your first marriage, if you'd been willing! 

Your choice. Makes me curious about why you are even posting here!

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