# up to 14 months now...



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

the topic says it all. been married for 12 1/2 years and now on a 14 month drought. i have gone countless times with 4 months, 5 months, 6...and i thought i hit bottom at 7 months before but this one is the most painful. I am just stuck really questioning what to do. we are Christian family and have two kids (15 and 11) and don't want to put a strain on them in a house divided so i do tough it out for them. I never thought of cheating or divorce but someti mes i do get stuck asking myself how much longer before i have to sit down and evaluate the situation. she argues with me when i bring up the topic and makes it seem like all i think of is sex. i tell her when i go this long it is like i don't know what i did to deserve this. she says I didn't do anything wrong but she ain't doing anything to right it on her side so it is just......i can't even explain. she claims she misses what we once had and i think to myself if she misses it, then why the blue hell is she not out searching to get it back.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It doesn't sound fair of her to say she misses what you had - but then not put any part into changing anything.

I have children the same ages. I don't think anyone wants their kids to have to go through divorce. To be realistic, though, divorce is quite common these days. I'm not going to.sit here and say its not hard on kids - but it happens and kids adapt. 

To make matters worse - while you are trying to prevent them one kind of pain you may be handing them another. When they go into the world and start serious relationships of their own they will expect what they have experienced. Not two parents who are mad for each other but parents who became platonic roommates.

And, furthermore - I don't find it just that your wife can get away with this behavior and not suffer any consequences. I find it abusive, personally. Why does she get to have things exactly the way she wants at your emotional expense?


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I suggest you launch an investigation to see if she's getting ti someplace else while you are working. When the two of you appear to be going more than a year between intimate contact, it's likely that only one of you is going without.


----------



## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Is she withholding affection as well? Rejection is tormenting.

If she at least shows desire, it helps. But, it doesn't sound like she tells you why and not understanding is torture in itself.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I started a post then deleted it because it was just kicking you when you're down. I'd just ask you though to think of the example you're setting for your children.


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

You posted about this several times this summer. Summation:

- No sex for 14 months
- Your wife cheated on you a few years ago
- She's not affectionate
- She locks the door when she showers
- You continue to do very nice things for her, like plan and execute family vacations, bring her flowers on the anniversary of your first date, etc.

Dude, I hate to say this, but I have to. It is time to find your balls. You remind me of this so badly:

Offspring - Self-Esteem

If you don't want to listen to the song, read the lyrics.

I get the church-marriage complication but don't hide behind that. The way I see it, you have a few choices here:

1) Accept it is what it is. Endure it for the future, and model this dysfunctional marriage as the "norm" for your children.

2) Go 180. If your wife wants to be a roommate, then give her what she wants. Work on yourself. Find your own life with the kids and outside forces (friends, hobbies, fitness, etc.) This has the twin benefits of upping your happiness and setting you up for a better future. This is not done to make her more interested, though that could happen. It's done for YOUR benefit. If she does come around, you can decide if you want to play.

3) Walk away. She has had no consequences for her actions, for her cheating and neglect, so give them to her. Based on what you've written, your wife will successfully call a bluff - so don't threaten, actually do it.

You're 14 months into a sexless marriage. How will things look in another 14 months? Or 14 years? Think back to where you were 14 years ago. Consider the distance between now and then. Now stretch that forward into the future. Imagine those years. Do you really want to spend them in tortured neglect?

As they say, you can't control her. You *can* control yourself. So take control, man. You get one life on this rock; why would you want to fritter it away with someone who actively doesn't love you?

Good luck.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

rangerman said:


> we are Christian family and have two kids (15 and 11) and don't want to put a strain on them in a house divided so i do tough it out for them.


Even if you don't believe in divorce because of religious reasons, there's no religion that says you have to live in the same house with your wife. I would have moved out at the 6 month mark. You can tell her that you're not divorcing her, but you can't stand to pretend to be a couple when you are not. 

Does she show any affection with you at least?


----------



## DeusEx (Mar 7, 2013)

I just don't get people like you. No sex, no affection, little respect. Why don't you actually start DOING something about it and not TALKING because talk can do very little in most situations, but actions most of the times have a huge effect. 

As I understand from other posters she also cheated on you. REALLY? And you still putting up with all of this? No offense, but you're a pushover and she knows it. She feels comfortable with you and the situation and thinks things will be like this forever and that you won't do sh!t about it. Time to change that thinking of hers. You have advices here what you should do. Use them.


----------



## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

I am sure you are familiar with definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

Before you know it you will be posting "it's been 1 1/2 years" then "it's been 2 years", then "sexless for the last decade". 

Every day that you fail to make any changes is a day you choose to remain sexless. 
She refuses to consider counseling, so she is effectively telling you she is fine with the status quo. 
She knows you won't divorce her, so she has no reason make any changes. 
Is she interested in improving the relationship on any level? Is she willing to read "His Needs, Her Needs" for example? If not, then I recommend you begin implementing "The 180". Begin detaching, seek other interests, seek out friendships, and build your self esteem.


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I would immediately move out, and start the 180. Let her come to you, if that's even possible.

You are role-modeling the absolute worst relationship dynamic to your kids, especially if you have a son.

If she has cheated before, the last 14 months would be a huge red flag that she is likely doing it again.

You need to step up, and be proactive. Otherwise, like another poster noted, you will be here for years complaining about how crappy your marriage is, and how your wife walks all over you.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

If I were you, I would be checking cell phones, internet histories and cookies, check everything you can because she might be seeing someone else that entire time. But she did cheat on you in the past, so maybe again?

If she's lost her sex drive because of getting older and having 2 kids, perhaps unwanted weight gain, she should go to the Dr. and get checked out. But she should of done that from the beginning.

She won't go to MC, right?

She also figures you will never divorce her?!

Come home one day with divorce papers in hand. Give them to her and say we need MC and a sex life back or I will be leaving you. That may just do the trick.

Since you're Christian's, that doesn't mean you can't have a wild and adventurous sex life. Nothing is off the table, as long as its between the two of you. So anything goes. What are her fantasies, fetishes, sexual appetites? Do those with her as a surprise. Find out what you likes and what drove her to cheat.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

I feel the pain of the OP. we just ended a 17-week drought. it was about as satisfying as eating as one chip is. However, your story has quite a few more layers to it than mine. I will echo the sentiments of others and say that doing a 180 might be your best choice.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

For me, frequent passionate sex is absolute baseline for reconciliation and even a couple weeks of sexlessness after a Dday would be a deal breaker.


----------



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Convection said:


> You posted about this several times this summer. Summation:
> 
> - No sex for 14 months
> - Your wife cheated on you a few years ago
> ...


QFT :iagree:


----------



## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread. For him Christian faith helped to overcome the problem. He is a very inspirational poster.

As to divorce not being on the table, well, you have to balance the interests of your children in this, too. If they grow up seeing your relationship become I kind of emotional wasteland, they may seek similar horrible marriages when they become adults. People repeat their parents' mistakes.


----------



## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Wow, your inches away from your wife in bed at night. Yet you might has well be a 1000 miles away. Cause you aint gettin any. Sorry bud, she does have feelings just not with you. Does she have a vibrator or masturbate when you are not around....bet she does. This hurts cause you can't participate and you don't know who she is fantasizing about.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What exactly have you done to address the situation? I read all 3 of your threads, you got lots of advice, so what have you done, and what was the immediate result? (the thread title tells us the main result already)


----------

