# Super quick vent



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

The support you people offer for my daily play-by-plays is really helpful, so heeeeere's another!!!

H gets home from work around 4:30. "I'm starving! What's for dinner?" 

"I didn't know what time you were going to get home, you left less than an hour ago. I just had a snack."

So he makes himself a sandwich. Fine.

I'm in the process of taking out the trash. He starts to help me. Then he doesn't like the way I'm doing it. He gets edgy. I say, "oh well, get over it, not the end of the world." Fine. I take it out, come back inside.

I turn on the kitchen light so I can empty the dishwasher.

"Do you NEED the light on for something? I JUST turned it off!"

"Yes, I'm emptying the dishwasher. It's easier if the light is on."

Huff. Puff. Stomp.

I ask, "Is something wrong?"

He says, "I'm HUNGRY! And I come home and ALL the lights are on!"

"And does that bother you for financial reasons?"

"NO! It's a waste of electricity!"

"Ok." So I turn off the light in the room I'm NOT using.

Then he trips over the dishwasher. I stand back, wait, kind of smile at him: "Rough day?"

He snipes in his threatening voice: "It WILL be!"

I say, "I really don't need to be yelled at right now."

Then I finish emptying the dishwasher.

I don't know if I handled that "well," or not.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He sounds like my ex.

Sorry not helpful.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Syrum said:


> He sounds like my ex.


If things dont turn around, he'll sound like mine too! ::lol::
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Maybe I shouldve made him a sandwich.
If I hadn't been in the middle of stuff, I wouldve.
But something tells me...even if your wife doesn't make you a sandwich right when you walk in the door, doesn't make it ok to yell at her over everything she IS doing.
???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

And maybe "get over it" rubbed him the wrong way...
Maybe "don't worry honey, I've got it" wouldve been better.
"get over it" slipped out. 
But he still got inordinately pissy. Again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Wow, if you had told me to get over it I would be pissed at you too. Too much disrespect coming from you, too many challenges. Do you love him? You don't act like it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds very immature. I know that doesn't help. 
If he's like that after a bad day, totally excused. If he's like that every day, good luck.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

ClipClop said:


> Wow, if you had told me to get over it I would be pissed at you too. Too much disrespect coming from you, too many challenges. Do you love him? You don't act like it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do love him. 
"get over it" is a love ballad compared to the stuff he's said to me.

That said...I find that when I'm under pressure to "handle" his short fuse and quick agitation, sonetimes the wrong words come out.
I'm certain I meant "honey please don't lose your **** over this too, honey please chill, honey don't yell at me please!!"
and "get over it" came out,
make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> The support you people offer for my daily play-by-plays is really helpful, so heeeeere's another!!!
> 
> H gets home from work around 4:30. "I'm starving! What's for dinner?"
> 
> ...


I have it! I have it! I KNOW the problem! All he needs is help getting the giant stick out of his a$$!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> I have it! I have it! I KNOW the problem! All he needs is help getting the giant stick out of his a$$!


Now do you see why I try to deflect with humor?

Sometimes a laid back "rough day?" is just more effective at shedding light on the utter silliness of his behavior.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I don't blame you for getting snippy with him. I too am tired of tippy toeing around someone's weird quirks. It's exhausting. But he does seem less touchy than yours. I don't care anymore about setting him off. If it does it does - not my problem. He's not that much more p!ssed at me than if I try to kiss his butt.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

This is why the come home from work double scotch was invented. Chill out, blaze up, what ever.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> ...H gets home from work around 4:30. "I'm starving! What's for dinner?"
> 
> "I didn't know what time you were going to get home, you left less than an hour ago. I just had a snack."


May I just point out that you did not really reply to his question. He asked "what is for dinner" and your response was to defend yourself/explain yourself why there was nothing for dinner. 

I point this out because maybe you are not hearing his actual questions or maybe you are starting off defending yourself. So these are just things to be aware of (like...Note To Self). 

*"What's for Dinner?"* "Fend for yourself night. I just ate a sandwich. Want one?" or "Nothing is on the menu at the moment. Do you have a request?" 



> I'm in the process of taking out the trash. He starts to help me. Then he doesn't like the way I'm doing it. He gets edgy. I say, "oh well, get over it, not the end of the world." Fine. I take it out, come back inside.


A) he doesn't need to get edgy, but B) please note that your response to his edginess is to tell him what to do or how to feel. Again, this is not to "pile on" you Credam but by the same token it's conceivable these may be things you aren't aware of. If he doesn't like the way you do it, he is free to feel that way and not like it. The one you control/change is YOU remember? So instead of telling him what to do (aka "get over it") how about if you tell him what YOU"RE going to do (Please chill out or I'll stop taking out the trash and let you do it)? 



> I turn on the kitchen light so I can empty the dishwasher.
> 
> "Do you NEED the light on for something? I JUST turned it off!"
> 
> ...


Perfect spot for a W-T-F-S. "When you choose to huff and puff and stomp, I think you are acting like a jerk and I feel much less inclined to care about the light being on. So I'd like to ask you to respectfully ask me to turn it off if you want it off. Are you willing to ask me in a respectful way?" 



> I ask, "Is something wrong?"
> 
> He says, "I'm HUNGRY! And I come home and ALL the lights are on!"
> 
> ...


It sounds to me as if the real issue is that he is hungry and thought dinner would be waiting for him...and it's not. So rather than saying, "I'm disappointed that there's no dinner. Could I please request that you make me some? I would love that" and then hearing whether you'd be willing to do that or not...he chooses to look for other avenues to blow off anger steam. 



> "Ok." So I turn off the light in the room I'm NOT using.


Actually, this is an AMAZING response. Love this one! Seriously you obviously listened and care enough to not have "all the lights on" just the one you're using. Good one :smthumbup:



> Then he trips over the dishwasher. I stand back, wait, kind of smile at him: "Rough day?"
> 
> He snipes in his threatening voice: "It WILL be!"
> 
> ...


I don't think this was a half bad reply, in that you kept it on yourself and what you do and do not need. In a way it may have been better, when he used his threatening voice to just name it for what it is "That sounds like an attempt at a threat to me, and I do not appreciate that." (See how that's not telling him what to do but just saying your side?) 

Otherwise, I have just one thought for you . It is very possible that you will work on your side, keep a focus on yourself and responding well etc. and he may never change or look at his side. For some people, looking at themselves is more scary than losing a wife and family. So keep working away on your side and I do hope for your sake that eventually he starts working on his too because right now it is HIGHLY unhealthy the way he treats you.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Now do you see why I try to deflect with humor?
> 
> Sometimes a laid back "rough day?" is just more effective at shedding light on the utter silliness of his behavior.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Except that the one person who needs to see doesn't see. And hell. I am Irish. Why do with soft touch what you can do with a sledge hammer.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

LOL

You did fine. 

You are not in a "good" place with him right now and that is perfectly understandable. 

Normally I might say the best response would have been to offer to make him a sandwich. Then again 4:30 is a very odd time to be "starving". And umm - if he really was that hungry seems like the rational thing to do is call ahead and give you an ETA. Seems he wanted his lack of planning to become your emergency. 

He walks in with "I'm hungry whats for dinner" and it feels like a point scoring exercise on his part as there is no way you were going to have dinner ready at 4:30. 




credamdóchasgra said:


> The support you people offer for my daily play-by-plays is really helpful, so heeeeere's another!!!
> 
> H gets home from work around 4:30. "I'm starving! What's for dinner?"
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Sigh. Thanks, everyon. 

I'll add that he left the house for work AT 3:45. And didn't tell me what time he'd be home.
There's seriously no reason he'd expect dinner to be ready 45 min after he's left the house.

AND...when he's snarling at me over lights, there's little to nothing I can say to avoid being further yelled at.
"I don't need to be yelled at" is the best I could do,

It has now "blown over." but my temp is cool.

This is getting tiring. I really need to get to the other side of this 

He's going out of town for the weekend and my sisters are coming to visit.
THAT makes me really freaking happy. You have no idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Why do with soft touch what you can do with a sledge hammer.


Damage control.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Credam, here it is just blunt and right out there. You aren't a perfect person but I see you being really self-aware and doing the best you can to do better...respond in a more healthy way...etc. 

I see him pulling every trick in the book that he can so you two return to an adversarial system. 

So just so you don't think we're not seeing it, we see it. You could make some minor corrections here and there, and he's not even in the game very much yet. I personally don't blame you for getting tired of this. For myself personally, a huge lightbulb went off in my head the day a wise woman told me that when a person really WANTS to do something, they find a way to do it. When they fight it, "forget", struggle against it and don't do it...that really means "I don't have the courage to tell you I don't want to do this." So what it came down to for me was asking my exH "What are you willing to do today or tomorrow to address your anger issues?" (He was also mentally ill and had an illness he was ignoring). He didn't really want to address his issues or change his anger. 

So FYI--please don't feel like we're piling on you. Nope. He's just not here to talk to us.


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

Cred....the important thing is you ARE making changes - are you perfect at knowing how to respond to every situation? Nahhh...not yet, but you are putting the effort in to learn how.

There's a lot to undo and relearn.....so yup it gets tiring - but don't give up. Now that you are actually doing something to make things better, the light at the end of the tunnel has stopped moving and it's getting closer (slowly at first...but as you get better at it, the faster it will come). 

Just keep doing your best and your best will get better - even when there are times you may take one step forward and two back, you are still a body in motion....and that's what counts!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Credam, here it is just blunt and right out there. You aren't a perfect person but I see you being really self-aware and doing the best you can to do better...respond in a more healthy way...etc.
> 
> I see him pulling every trick in the book that he can so you two return to an adversarial system.
> 
> ...


I understand and appreciate that.

And I'll definitely get to the point where I ask him "what are you willing to do?"

And if the answer is "nothin'! Love it or leave it, babe!", then I wash my hands of this and move on knowing i've done all I can.
And knowing I'm worth more than "nothin'!"

who knows, he could surprise me...
I know he feels hurt too. He just has to stop blaming me for all of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> Cred....the important thing is you ARE making changes - are you perfect at knowing how to respond to every situation? Nahhh...not yet, but you are putting the effort in to learn how.
> 
> There's a lot to undo and relearn.....so yup it gets tiring - but don't give up. Now that you are actually doing something to make things better, the light at the end of the tunnel has stopped moving and it's getting closer (slowly at first...but as you get better at it, the faster it will come).
> 
> Just keep doing your best and your best will get better - even when there are times you may take one step forward and two back, you are still a body in motion....and that's what counts!


See here's the thing....

My definitions of "doing something to make things better" and "doing my best" have dramatically changed.

They used to mean "fixing," and "getting him to" get it, see it, understand something, "making sure" we were good after a tiff. That got exhausting.
Now, it means not engaging in a fight in the first place, and not falling apart at his every reaction.

The problem is..,my new definitions haven't brought us closer together.
And he still doesn't see any light at the end of the tunnel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

The thing about angry people is that nothing you say will change them until they themselves want to change. My guess is he can't control it without professional help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> Geez...this guy is waaaayy too high maintenance. I would have walked long time ago. Some of these posters here are telling you to analyze and scrutinize every single word that comes out of your mouth as if you're at fault for his emotional retardation. If you have to do that much work to keep the guy from being a jerk, it's not worth it. I guarantee he's not spending that much time examining his own behavior. Haven't you invested enough time in trying to "change" him? Ain't gonna happen...move on.


Oh you wouldve, would you? 
Have you ever left your husband? Husband, not boyfriend.
No one really knows what they "would" do in someone else's exact situation.
You didn't marry the guy who my H reminds you of. Much easier to walk before there's a marriage.
I'm also not investing time to "change him." I'm trying to do everything I can, AND stay conscious of everything that's going on--process and get support here. 
Allow me to rephrase: easier said than done.

I know you're trying to be on my side, but this comment strikes me as more judgmental and harsh than helpful.

Perhaps you've missed all the other threads I've posted lately--including my plans to let him know I'm on the edge of leaving.
Where's your advice there, when I actually ask "how" do I approach this problem? 

By the way and fwiw, something came up today that may throw a monkey wrench in my ability to "walk and move on."
Something that wouldn't be a monkey wrench if I hadn't married him. (no, i'm not pregnant)
but something that definitely complicates things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Oh you wouldve, would you?
> Have you ever left your husband? Husband, not boyfriend.
> No one really knows what they "would" do in someone else's exact situation.
> You didn't marry the guy who my H reminds you of. Much easier to walk before there's a marriage.
> ...


I'm asking this more for me than you: what is success in your situation? What are you realistically looking for as your outcome? I don't know where my H needs to be for me to think 'this is the life I want' as opposed to 'I think I can put up with this'. Even point number 2 is an improvement. It makes me so sad for him as he's been cast aside his whole life - by his dad, mom, two wives and maybe me. I feel his pain but that doesn't give him right to be a jerk. Well I got off track lol. Where is good enough for you with your H? What is your realistic goal?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> H gets home from work around 4:30. "I'm starving! What's for dinner?"
> 
> "I didn't know what time you were going to get home, you left less than an hour ago. I just had a snack."


He asked "what's for dinner". This means "will you make dinner?". I think "what's for dinner" is a very standard, typical, normal way to ask for dinner. You gave a non answer. What you are doing is judging him and deciding if he's worthy of having dinner made for him on this night. You were further intentionally testing him to see if he would get angry (fitness test). At this point, it seems you are both acting in a way detrimental to the marriage.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> If things dont turn around, he'll sound like mine too! ::lol::
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL!! Your responses were great. I found myself siding with the husband on the electricity matter though. Lights shouldn't be on if one is not in the room. But I'm a greener 

Anyway your H sounds like a ****. He may have good intentions but his actions aren't reflective of that. I am not totally up to date with your past posts, so have you two seen a MC?


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Hicks said:


> He asked "what's for dinner". This means "will you make dinner?". I think "what's for dinner" is a very standard, typical, normal way to ask for dinner. You gave a non answer. What you are doing is judging him and deciding if he's worthy of having dinner made for him on this night. You were further intentionally testing him to see if he would get angry (fitness test). At this point, it seems you are both acting in a way detrimental to the marriage.


"what's for dinner?" does not mean "will you make dinner?". "Will you make dinner?" means "Will you make dinner?" LOL To me "what's for dinner" is something Archie Bunker would say when he gets home, and we're well past that time. Furthermore, maybe she doesn't want to make dinner every single night. OR, as she wrote, he came home earlier than expected on this particular night.

I don't see how she was "testing" him at all. I think she was trying to react sympathetically to him. That's what the "did you have a rough day?" was about, I don't think it was meant to be cutting at all, but empathetic.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> This is why the come home from work double scotch was invented. Chill out, blaze up, what ever.


I SOOOO look forward to your one-liner zingers. 

They always make my day - this one is no exception! :smthumbup:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Sounds to me like he got ticked off because you didn't have anything for him for dinner when he came on.

Is he the "traditional role" type of guy? Women do the cooking, etc.?

He was expressing his displeasure at dinner not being available by picking on other, inconsequential issues (lights).

Not mature, he should have just come out and expressed that he was upset that dinner wasn't ready and he had to make himself a sandwich.

THAT was the real issue here, believe me.

Seen it, been there - done that.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

In practical terms, you two need to establish a 15 minutes of no talking zone when he comes home. Don't talk, don't do anything. Just let him come in and sit down. And he can't talk to you either. A quarter hour then everyone should play nice.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Hicks said:


> What you are doing is judging him and deciding if he's worthy of having dinner made for him on this night. You were further intentionally testing him to see if he would get angry (fitness test).


I was??? Judging and "intentionally testing"??? I thought I was just saying, "nothing yet, haven't made anything yet."

damn. Not having dinner on the table by 4:30 when I had no clue when he'd be home--I'm an unmarriageable wench.

P.S. I did cook a real dinner, do laundry, clean, and make him a hot fudge sundae with *homemade* hot fudge later that night.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

AvaTara and MWIL, thank you both, and I'll answer your questions:

1. No, he's not a traditional role type of guy--woman, cook and clean for me! At least I don't think so ::scratchhead::
2. I'm way greener than he is. He was just looking for something to gripe at me for. Don't get me started on the green thing. I am VERY conscious about the lights because I know it bugs him.
3. I think his real issue was that I didn't let him *control* the way I took out the f-ing trash. That got stuck in his craw so he snarled about everything else.

Runs Like Dog---he doesn't come home and do this every day. And I didn't fight with him. I was actually very nice I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

Hicks said:


> He asked "what's for dinner". This means "will you make dinner?". I think "what's for dinner" is a very standard, typical, normal way to ask for dinner. You gave a non answer. What you are doing is judging him and deciding if he's worthy of having dinner made for him on this night. You were further intentionally testing him to see if he would get angry (fitness test). At this point, it seems you are both acting in a way detrimental to the marriage.


Exactly.

Credam, if you don't know that when he says one thing he means another there's no help for you. Get it together. Stop insulting him by responding to what he says. You should intuitively know what he's thinking. 

This fight could have been avoided if you knew how to be psychic. Stop being lazy and figure it out.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I'm asking this more for me than you: what is success in your situation? What are you realistically looking for as your outcome? I don't know where my H needs to be for me to think 'this is the life I want' as opposed to 'I think I can put up with this'. Even point number 2 is an improvement. It makes me so sad for him as he's been cast aside his whole life - by his dad, mom, two wives and maybe me. I feel his pain but that doesn't give him right to be a jerk. Well I got off track lol. Where is good enough for you with your H? What is your realistic goal?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is success?

From best to what I'll settle for:

1. My H agrees to go to individual counseling to work on his resentments and anger.
2. He goes back to MC with me
3. He reads the book(s) I ask him to read and takes it to heart
4. He doesn't make my life hell when I take action to leave him.

There it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Credam, if you don't know that when he says one thing he means another there's no help for you. Get it together. Stop insulting him by responding to what he says. You should intuitively know what he's thinking.
> 
> This fight could have been avoided if you knew how to be psychic. Stop being lazy and figure it out.


Ahhhh, so THAT'S it!

::lightbulb::
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

My plan re: H for the day:

Pack him up a lovely lunch with 2 maybe 3 of his favorite sandwiches, sody pops, and snacks for his drive out of town.
Help him load his car. 
Give him a big hug before he leaves for the weekend.
Send him on his way on a positive note....
And relax and enjoy my weekend with my sisters.

It's very possible he has some grievances with me.
7 months of MC gave us tools to use to air grievances.
They don't include "snarling stomping yelling huffing puffing"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> What is success?
> 
> From best to what I'll settle for:
> 
> ...


I mean big picture.
I want 
- my husband to stick at topic at hand. If he's mad at crumbs on counter - keep it at that and not turn it in to what a horrible person the crumb leaver is - and how they are trying to ruin us and have no respect.
- deal with his issues with his mom. Either by making peace or telling her to get lost
- make efforts to make my teen children a little more comfortable in their own home. Realize he joined our family and that asking teens to drastically alter rules won't work without major resistance.
- acknowledge that teens do help with babies and the work they do. To have a 15 year old play hockey with 3 year old for an hour and let baby hang with him and friends is a big deal and should be acknowledged.
- quit threatening to leave when things are rough.

What's your big picture?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I mean big picture.
> I want
> - my husband to stick at topic at hand. If he's mad at crumbs on counter - keep it at that and not turn it in to what a horrible person the crumb leaver is - and how they are trying to ruin us and have no respect.
> - deal with his issues with his mom. Either by making peace or telling her to get lost
> ...


I feel you. I have a similar list.

It's in a thread called "it boils down to the family we don't have yet."

there are also some list items in one of my other threads this week.

The thing is/--I have a feeling all that stuff can work out if he addresses the root---the anger and resentment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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