# How do I "set limits"?



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm really looking for practical suggestions.
If you have the opinion that my H is wrong, being a jerk, etc., please kindly refrain from sharing them as I am aware that this particular behavior of his distress me.
If you have some idea as to how I can "set limits" and/or boundaries on this behavior in a way that might inspire him to change this behavior, I'd be grateful to receive your advice.

What's the behavior?

Snapping impatiently and/or raising his voice

Sometimes this behavior happens in the context of a disagreement----in those cases, I see how my own calmness can be a helpful strategy.
Other times we're not already "heated." or, I should say, I'm not.

Suggestions, strategies, to "set a limit" on this?
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm really looking for practical suggestions.
> If you have the opinion that my H is wrong, being a jerk, etc., please kindly refrain from sharing them as I am aware that this particular behavior of his distress me.
> If you have some idea as to how I can "set limits" and/or boundaries on this behavior in a way that might inspire him to change this behavior, I'd be grateful to receive your advice.
> 
> ...


Calm as can be...

I will no longer tolerate you speaking to me in that manner. WHEN you can speak to me with courtesy and respect, THEN we can continue this conversation. Walk away.

Rinse and repeat as long as it takes. 




> Sometimes this behavior happens in the context of a disagreement----in those cases, I see how my own calmness can be a helpful strategy.
> Other times we're not already "heated." or, I should say, I'm not.


Stay not! As soon as he is, repeat above like a mind numbing mantra, walk away. Rinse, repeat.



> Suggestions, strategies, to "set a limit" on this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Hard to say. I suppose a good start would be to simply tell him "Please do not talk to me that way" or "Please do not raise your voice at me" every time he does it. If it continues, maybe escalate to walking away from him every time he does it.

Maybe asking him why he is doing it would help too. It might make him stop and think about why he's doing and maybe he'll see there's no reason to.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

VT, I was hoping you'd reply!

2 more questions, I know you're a practical lady and like to tune into the specifics:

1. What if it's not in the context of a conversation that will be continued? (but is general grumpiness) Respond and address right then and there, or later when it's not a reaction on my part?
2. If I *didn't* stay as calm as I wouldve liked (but tried), is it worth bringing up later, or will it just devolve us back into the arguing?
------->and in this case, it'll be more "effective" overall for me to just wait till the next time and keep MY cool and calm, and deal accordingly?

I hope this makes sense.
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> Hard to say. I suppose a good start would be to simply tell him "Please do not talk to me that way" or "Please do not raise your voice at me" every time he does it. If it continues, maybe escalate to walking away from him every time he does it.
> 
> Maybe asking him why he is doing it would help too. It might make him stop and think about why he's doing and maybe he'll see there's no reason to.


I don't agree that these would be examples of effective limit setting. A personal boundary or limit is HERS. it does not require his input or opinion. This tactic is asking for obfuscation and other like manipulations.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Atruckersgirl, I replied before I saw your post. Thank you too, I'll reread your reply.
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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm really looking for practical suggestions.
> If you have the opinion that my H is wrong, being a jerk, etc., please kindly refrain from sharing them as I am aware that this particular behavior of his distress me.
> If you have some idea as to how I can "set limits" and/or boundaries on this behavior in a way that might inspire him to change this behavior, I'd be grateful to receive your advice.
> 
> ...


Calmly tell him, "I'd like you to hit the 'Reset' button and access the un-crazy side of your brain." (kidding)

Seriously, if he is getting out of control, you should say, "We cannot communicate like this. When we can talk about this without yelling, like adults, I would love to continue this conversation" and then remove yourself from the room. This puts the ball in his court and he knows that he'll need to keep his emotions in check. Also, you may want to talk about this with him when you guys are not having a disagreement. If he is being sane at that moment, he might see what he's doing wrong as opposed to when he's acting a fool. Good luck.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I've read this advice over and over. Must mean something.
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> VT, I was hoping you'd reply!
> 
> 2 more questions, I know you're a practical lady and like to tune into the specifics:
> 
> 1. What if it's not in the context of a conversation that will be continued? (but is general grumpiness) Respond and address right then and there, or later when it's not a reaction on my part?


Address what? If there is no need to continue the conversation, I will no longer tolerate your speaking to me that way. Walk away.

What needs to be addressed? You don't tolerate. He does not need any input into you personal boundary.




> 2. If I *didn't* stay as calm as I wouldve liked (but tried), is it worth bringing up later, or will it just devolve us back into the arguing?


If you have gotten angry, learn from it for next time. If you realize you are angry in the middle, stop and say I am angry. I need a time out. When I have resumed speaking in a courteous and respectful manner, then I can continue this conversation. <--- Limit applies to you too. 

I am not sure what you want to go back and address later. In my opinion, whatever it is you ahve to say is likely less important than reteaching yourselves not to devolve into argument.



> ------->and in this case, it'll be more "effective" overall for me to just wait till the next time and keep MY cool and calm, and deal accordingly?
> 
> I hope this makes sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not sure if it does or not.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Ok...

What needs to be addressed, specifically, in this case?
This: "If you are pissed, I don't like you saying to me 'Good God, woman!' if you are joking when you say this, I happily laugh it off. It's not ok with me to say that to me when you're angry."

So, yes...in this particular case I also reacted; you make a good point when you say "whatever you say can't be as important as not devolving in the future."

Nevertheless, will it help me reach that end to address the "Good God, woman!" thing?
Or just learn from my own reaction, as you suggested, for the future?
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Ok...
> 
> What needs to be addressed, specifically, in this case?
> This: "If you are pissed, I don't like you saying to me 'Good God, woman!' if you are joking when you say this, I happily laugh it off. It's not ok with me to say that to me when you're angry."
> ...


Ok I am not sure what to say here. Honestly I would ignore something like "Good God woman" and just walk away without any further ado. But... are you sure this is the issue you want to be "setting limits' over?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Good point.
Whether or not I remember if he reminded me to grab my xyz before we left the house---that's not the hill I want to die on.

I think i said "don't call me woman!"
and shortly thereafter, we dropped it.
So....be blunt: in your opinion, not worth setting a limit?

Thank you.
I'm new to this, need help from you veterans!
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I guess there is a package of things that I think help make a marriage. Being able to enforce personal boundaries aka set limits is obviously one of them. Another one of them is strongly trying to understand the other person's PoV given that it is easier to understand our own. Words go through two sets of filters before hitting us (the speakers and the listeners). So really understanding another is challenging.

But, another one that comes up less often but was alluded to in a recent Ladies Lounge thread, it is also important to lighten up. (btw This was THE single hardest thing to learn for me back in the bad days.) Sometimes an eye roll is NOT a massive disrespect. If he can eye roll in humor, than you can bet he can eye roll in a disagreement without any more disrespect intended. Same with "Good God, Woman!" If it were me, that would be in the lighten up category.

Setting limits is not intended to mean change ones behavior so as to successfully dictate the behavior of the other. It should stand up to some kind of measure of serious import, in my opinion. Unless I misunderstand the situation, I would bet a dollar that Good God, Woman is just an off the cuff expression of exasperation. What ELSE should he say in exasperation?

Just a thought. Only you really know the scene.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Lightening up is at the top of my list.

Being more patient, less snappy, is at the top of his.

If we don't each work on these and on understanding each other's pov, we are like oil and water.

Please don't ask why we got married---"passion" is near the top of that list 

We're a punchy pair, but we want and need more harmony to balance the punch.
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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Remember that every physical motion (rolling of the eyes), everything he does or says is not necessarily towards you.

Learn to not take everything personally. I'm still learning that lesson, but it does help a lot.

Don't own his feelings and emotions, if he's in a bad mood, that doesn't mean it has anything to do with you.

As women, we tend to want to make everything right, fix it all and nurture everyone's bad feelings, etc.

Believe me - I understand this better than anyone - I am working on stepping back and owning myself and letting my husband and family own what they do. But, the behavioral change doesn't happen overnight...as vt told me...it takes baby steps!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> As women,


.....
GAH! It is an uphill battle. 


> we tend to want to make everything right, fix it all and nurture everyone's bad feelings, etc.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So funny you say that, my husband says that same phrase, and I usually reply with "I can't talk to a hysterical man!" lmao. Usually breaks the tension if nothing else.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

DawnD, your "LOL" attitude is something I think I need to adopt more.

I think I'd be more relaxed if half the stuff I fret over--stuff he says, his tone---I just laughed AT.

"Good God, woman!"
"Good God, MAN!" and laugh.
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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

hahaha. It comes naturally to me, especially if things are tense I kinda want to laugh just to break the awkwardness. Honestly, my mom takes herself WAY to seriously, so I try to avoid that and adopt more of a "laugh with me or I'll laugh without you" kinda attitude LOL


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Well, thank you.

Today H and I were driving up to his parents' house a few hours away and we stopped at wawa so I could get food.
As I was doing my "custom sandwich order" deliberating, he put his chin on my shoulder and said "Honey, hurry up, for God's sake. I'm waiting in the car."
then he huffed out to the car.
As the clerk handed me my sandwich I said to her: "my husband is ridiculously impatient."
she laughed and rolled her eyes, as did I.
And then I ate my sandwich stress-free.
Months ago I wouldve let his impatience get to me.
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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> he put his chin on my shoulder and said "Honey, hurry up, for God's sake. I'm waiting in the car."
> then he huffed out to the car.


im the impatient one in the relationship. this is something i would do. my H usually says something like, "OK." sometimes i say to him, "God, man!" and he usually says, "God man? Eric will suffice." LOL. it makes me laugh but pisses me off too because he has such a way of throwing my own impatience in my face.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Blanca said:


> im the impatient one in the relationship. this is something i would do. my H usually says something like, "OK." sometimes i say to him, "God, man!" and he usually says, "God man? Eric will suffice." LOL. it makes me laugh but pisses me off too because he has such a way of throwing my own impatience in my face.


My H is impatient, but we are both a fan of Will Ferrell movies, so when he is getting too impatient I tell him his mangina is showing. Usually makes him laugh and calm down.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He just did it again---lost his cool and yelled over something dumb, and I don't feel like laughing.

I got a grudging "sorry I yelled at you."

is that a worthless apology or does it count for something?

Honest to God...
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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sorry to hear he lost his cool again. Does he have any pent up aggression from anything?? Not necessarily sex, just anything? Work? Does he go to the gym??


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## JMak00 (Jul 24, 2010)

So I have been and sometimes I am still the husband in this scenario. I've been working with a counselor to figure out why I get aggressive and loud when I'm frustrated. Doesn't have to be related to being pissed at wife. I could be fussed off about work and I get aggressive and loud when talking. 

And when my wife goes to the we can talk like adults when you're ready card it further frustrates. And I get even more frustrated because now I know I'm upsetting her and I try to defend why I'm behaving that way which leads to further aggressiveness and raising my voice. 

It took me a long time to realize that I was scaring her, she shut down and withdraw, and she was no longer hearing me. 

It takes great control now on my part not to get further frustrated and acknowledge my behavior. 

Maybe this is part of what's happening with your spouse. Like me, he's trying to get you to feel the same level of anxiety, frsutration, anger that he's feeling because like me he may believe that you can't understand if you don't feel it like he does. 
I never really understood that I was scaring my wife and causing her to shut down. 

You could try active listening and rather than being baited to feeling the anger, etc., you hear and describe back the feeling you're detecting. And then explain how that's making you feel.
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Jmak, good for you for recognizing this and owning it. My H and I are in counseling and I hope he gets to the point where he sees the effect it has on me and us.
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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

OMG. I seem to be saying that a lot.... I swear you and I are with the same man!!!!!!!!!! (not, but LOL anyway!)

Inexplicably low tolerance, grump levels through the roof, inability to laugh when I need things to be light, ok some aren't the same as yours maybe but seems remarkably similar. In a rush but I'll definitely be back to this thread, may even get him to look at a couple of the posts......


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

JMak00 said:


> So I have been and sometimes I am still the husband in this scenario. I've been working with a counselor to figure out why I get aggressive and loud when I'm frustrated. Doesn't have to be related to being pissed at wife. I could be fussed off about work and I get aggressive and loud when talking.
> 
> And when my wife goes to the we can talk like adults when you're ready card it further frustrates. And I get even more frustrated because now I know I'm upsetting her and I try to defend why I'm behaving that way which leads to further aggressiveness and raising my voice.


Cred the one thing about this bit above. You need to WALK AWAY. He may get as aggressive as he likes... without you there. HIS behavior is HIS problem. Not yours. Your boundaries are your problem.

Calm and patient is you showing love. Waling away is you showing boundaries. 



> You could try active listening and rather than being baited to feeling the anger, etc., you hear and describe back the feeling you're detecting. And then explain how that's making you feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Cred, ymmv but I would bet a dollar that if you did this, he would not hear you. That this would just be another point of difference between you. Oh NOW I am angry all the time. Snuff snort eyeroll. God God Woman!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thanks, everyone.
One other thing: I think showing boundaries is also showing love...to both of us.
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Yes, credamdochasgra. I agree. For US anyway, it was part and parcel of the two of us growing up together. It helped make us closer. Part of a package of changes. But an important part.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He knows. He knows it isn't cool.
That he's in counseling with me shows me he's willing to make progress.
Progress takes time I guess.
I've made a lot in the past few months and hopefully that'll lead us in the right direction
I'll be back later
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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Another thing...
When you're in a car during a discussion like this, you can't walk away.
When this happened yesterday, my H was the one who "set the limit."
He got so overreactive that HE finally lost all tolerance for conversation and yelled, "I'm done with this conversation!"
I know that is NOT effective limit setting on anyone's part. It's a temper tantrum.
I said something like "yes, i would like to talk about this another time when you can without getting so angry."
Then I dropped it. 10 min later I got a "sorry I yelled at you."
I said "thank you."

The best I could do was NOT match his immaturity.
But this is far from ideal.
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