# Bad tempered husband



## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Hi, I am looking for ways to cope with a middle aged husband who is increasingly bad tempered. He is nearly 50 (next month) and I am 47.

While he is not physically bad tempered, or even abusive, his language and methods of expressing himself are feral. He is bad tempered in the car, bad tempered in the office (we work together), bad tempered in the mornings, evenings and pretty well all of the time.

I try hard not to respond to his moods, but it feels like we are living with a big, dark cloud glowering at us all day. We have 1 daughter (19) living at home and other kids who have moved out. He is constantly rehashing times they borrowed money and did not pay it back, or times they borrowed our things and in his mind were not grateful enough.

TBH, I have really had enough. If I try to raise his moods with him, he justifies why he is in a bad mood. The best week I have had in recent times was when I sent him on a holiday 1000km away. He seemed happier then too, away from us and the stress of our business. Yes, I get he is stressed, I am too, but being bad tempered and swearing up a storm does not help.

Has anyone any tips to dealing with him, other than hitting him hard on the head to shut him up?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

My wife dealt with my grumpy, sulky father.

Everyone was at their wits ends trying to cope with his angry outbursts and sulking.

Until one day mid rant she walked up to him, put a sympathetic hand on his arm and asked him how he coped with the pain in his chin?

He looked confused and said: "What pain in my chin?"

She replied in very sympathetic tones "The pain caused by your long face causing calouses when your chin scrapes along the ground."

My mom and I watched him and we were stunned to see him look shocked and to then burst out in laughter hid bad mood forgotten.

It had a long-term effect. Every time he tried his sulking trick in the future he would start to smile instead. 

I would suggest an anger management course for your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sounds like he does not know how to handle stress. Would he go to the gym if you ask?

And like @MattMatt suggested maybe into some angry management or consoling to help manage his stress. 

If not you can also start swearing and cussing up a storm too. You know yell right back at him. Give him a taste of his own meds.

How is the relationship between you two?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Sounds like he does not know how to handle stress. Would he go to the gym if you ask?
> 
> And like @MattMatt suggested maybe into some angry management or consoling to help manage his stress.
> 
> ...


Like for like rarely works in these cases.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Like for like rarely works in these cases.


She can always hit him in the head every time he opens his mouth.:grin2:


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> If not you can also start swearing and cussing up a storm too. You know yell right back at him. Give him a taste of his own meds.


That would be akin to pouring gasoline on a fire.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

You never know, maybe she would scare him into keeping quiet. Or he would realize how stupid he sounds. 

But seriously, he needs help. He needs help dealing with his feelings for his kids and how to manage stress. Maybe, he should start exercising and do mediation. But that depends on what kind of a man he is. Is he the sort open to suggestions from you, @Chippie?


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Sorry for the delay in replying, I have been flat out. He always feels better when he exercises, he has been unable to really exercise for the last couple of years due to medications he has been on following a heart attack - one of the meds was to keep his heart rate low, which made him breathless. He has come off that med this week. However, our garage, which contains all of the gym equipment is currently full of one of our son's furniture as he has moved due to work and cannot get his stuff until September, after his wedding. (Another gripe H has). Never mind that we stored our stuff at his mother's place at the same age for the same reason! He can however go for a walk, we live in a lovely quiet estate on the side of a hill with a park behind us, plenty of exercise to be had out there.

He is starting to become aware of how abrasive he can be, in particular when he encounters the same behaviour in other people, and says he wants to change but I have seen little evidence of that. In fact, as time goes on, the moods become more frequent and he is tipped over by the smallest thing. I am constantly on edge and tense, just waiting for the next incident that sets him off. I cannot say anything because he is so defensive, so, so defensive.

It is however, more the sulking and passive aggressive muttering under the breathe and asking me when the kids are going to pay us back or remove their stuff that gets to me. Why ask me, go to them directly and when I say this to him he just mutters more and never does. Again, never mind that we got thousands of dollars from his mother over the years (including a house deposit at one stage) and she has never asked for it back. I get that he gets frustrated, I do too, but I can talk things over with the kids and they will talk to me. They are starting to avoid their father, which is sad. I can see him becoming a lonely, bitter old man, the kind that yells at kids who walk past his house talking too loudly.

He doesn't yell (yet), it is mostly passive aggressive behaviour and it takes a lot to get me to swear back at him. I tend to just leave the room when he starts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband would like to be a grump all the time but I don't let him. I am generally a sunny person, so if he starts in with the negativity I might call him on it, I might ignore it, or I might ignore it plus start in with something happy and cheerful. If (when) he just ignores ME, I tell him to go away till he's willing to stop being such a drag. Or I tease him out of it, depending on my mood.

It hasn't always been very easy. 10 years ago nothing I would do worked. I was also at my wits end. Sadly our marriage had to blow up (he cheated) before he attained the skills he needed to know when he needed to be cajoled out of his funks.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Chippie said:


> Hi, I am looking for ways to cope with a middle aged husband who is increasingly bad tempered. He is nearly 50 (next month) and I am 47.
> 
> While he is not physically bad tempered, or even abusive, his language and methods of expressing himself are feral. He is bad tempered in the car, bad tempered in the office (we work together), bad tempered in the mornings, evenings and pretty well all of the time.
> 
> ...


The terrible and wonderful thing about TAM is that there are so many different experiences. I will draw on mine, as a man who was generally considered very cheerful, but was unhappy while married.

Does anyone else in the family do a job? Is it taken for granted that the place gets messier when he is away (even though everyone else does lots of housework?

If all is clear there, then I salute all the above. I just want to check.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Maybe he is depressed. Sometimes depression manifests as anger, frustration and constant negative thinking. It won't get better without intervention....therapy, drugs.

Could his medications be causing some of this? Have you looked at all the possible side effects of the drugs he is taking?

As for tips on dealing with it, I think the best one is to remove yourself from his presence each and every time he starts mumbling, ranting, or whatever. Be kind (I'm sorry, I have to leave until you calm down and stop swearing/yelling/etc.), but don't stay for it. Eventually, he'll realize he is alone a lot with no one to rant at. Perhaps that will help him see he needs to get a grip or get some help.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chippie said:


> Sorry for the delay in replying, I have been flat out. He always feels better when he exercises, he has been unable to really exercise for the last couple of years due to medications he has been on following a heart attack - one of the meds was to keep his heart rate low, which made him breathless. He has come off that med this week. However, our garage, which contains all of the gym equipment is currently full of one of our son's furniture as he has moved due to work and cannot get his stuff until September, after his wedding. (Another gripe H has). Never mind that we stored our stuff at his mother's place at the same age for the same reason! He can however go for a walk, we live in a lovely quiet estate on the side of a hill with a park behind us, plenty of exercise to be had out there.
> 
> He is starting to become aware of how abrasive he can be, in particular when he encounters the same behaviour in other people, and says he wants to change but I have seen little evidence of that. In fact, as time goes on, the moods become more frequent and he is tipped over by the smallest thing. I am constantly on edge and tense, just waiting for the next incident that sets him off. I cannot say anything because he is so defensive, so, so defensive.
> 
> ...


Dear God! What's he got to be cross about? He survived a heart attack, he gets to live in Australia, has a family who love him and he has a pretty wife! 

By the way, is being a grump a side effect of any of his meds?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Dear God! *What's he got to be cross about?* He survived *a heart attack*, he gets to live in Australia, has a family who love him and he has a pretty wife!
> 
> By the way, is being a grump a side effect of any of his meds?


Heart attacks and other serious medical issues force people to think about the fact that they are going to die. Maybe not this time, maybe not today, but eventually, and maybe sooner than they expect or hope. Some people take that and run with it and live life to the fullest as much as possible. Others are weighed down by it, and it causes them to lose their joy. It can be very hard mentally and emotionally.

Chippie said:


> it feels like we are living with a big, dark cloud glowering at us all day.


She was referring to her H, but I wonder if he's feeling that way about his health plus the stress of the business.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Thank you all for your responses. He does not deal with stress well and will admit to that. What he won't do is control his response to that stress, and that is annoying. I have the same stress as him, probably more as I also have to deal with all of the housework, the yard and looking after our granddaughter who lives with us.

An example happened on Saturday. He accepted an invitation for us to go out to dinner, but then we wanted to find someone to look after the 9 yo granddaughter. Our 19yo daughter who lives at home had plans to go out for the last time before the uni semester starts this week. I called our son who lives about 40 minutes away to find out if he and his fiance were free but they also had plans they could not change. Our other kids, including the granddaughter's father, live hours away so we could not call them.

H was walking around muttering about how he helps everyone when they need it and how they better not expect him to help them again when they call and want a favour. I pulled him up on it and said that there was no need for his passive aggressive behaviour, that we could not expect our kids to be sitting around just in case we called them and wanted them to babysit. He said he was not being passive aggressive, he was just expressing his opinion. I said that it was how he was expressing it that was the issue and then I went outside, with the child, who was becoming upset that she was a problem. I left him to stew on his own, explained to the child that she was not a problem and never would be. H got over his mood and acted like nothing had ever happened, he never apologises for his outbursts.

We ended up taking the granddaughter with us and it was a lovely evening, the child behaved well and we had a good time catching up with friends. 

The constant feeling like I am just waiting for him to blow up is wearing on me, I don't feel relaxed around him at all, and that is no way to have a marriage. H thinks we have a great marriage and communicate well, I feel quite differently to this. I suggested counseling, he asked me why I am looking for issues where there are none. I read a book, His Needs, Her Needs which explained a lot. It talked about the love bank, and I feel like mine is so overdrawn it could never be in the black again.


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## Whirlpool (Jul 25, 2016)

Get a different job. The working together is too much "in your face" time.

It's not healthy, even among well balanced couples.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Whirlpool said:


> Get a different job. The working together is too much "in your face" time.
> 
> It's not healthy, even among well balanced couples.


Yes, I meant to say the same thing.

If I had to work with my husband I'd go completely bonkers.


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## Chippie (Jun 23, 2016)

Unfortunately getting another job is not really an option. H is an accountant and I am studying at uni to be one. It would not work if I was to go to and work at another firm and I cannot go back to the job I did previously, the requirements have changed and I would have to retrain, not to mention, I hated it. 

We had a chat today about his temper, he admitted he is having panic attacks and he feels out of control, this makes him angry. When I mentioned counselling he was not particularly interested, he said he has been diarising how he feels before, during and after a panic attack and what helps him come out of it. I am starting to think we don't communicate enough about how we feel and we only talk about what work we have and what the kids are up to. Something to work on I suppose.


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