# I'm Lost- Currently Separated



## GuacaColey

Hey everyone-

I decided to post in this forum because I want to reconcile with my husband, and also because I followed another thread in this forum and thought the advice from some regulars around here was stellar. I might post in Separated too, since that's my current situation.

DH and I were married a year and a half before separating. We have been separated since the beginning of June. We separated because I had hit my breaking point with the constant verbal abuse coming from my husband and I left the home. 

So, here's a brief background of my story:

DH and I both have children from previous relationships. His are two boys from a marriage that lasted 5 years and ended 2 years before we met. Their marriage ended because she carried on an affair for a year, and got pregnant by the guy. After their divorce she ended up marrying someone else she was dating during their separation. 

I have never been married but have a teenage son from a short relationship I had when I was a teenager. I spent over 10 years as a single person, dating occasionally. But mostly focused on raising my son and enjoying my solo life. I always wanted to be married but I guess I didn't find anyone I felt was what I was looking for until DH came along. 

I married him because I felt our core values aligned and because I respected who I believed he was. I think only he could tell you why he married me.

We fought a lot during our short marriage, mostly because from my standpoint he would never make me a priority in his life, and from his standpoint he would say I was controlling and disrespectful. I admit I would criticize him in an effort to get him to be more loving to me, which always backfired of course. I thought if I can just make him aware of all his deficiencies he will certainly change them because he loves me, right? *snort* I was a foolish woman to say the least. 

This isn't to let him off the hook, he would rage, call me every name in the book, throw things around the house in anger with little provocation. One time it was because I thought he was done with a reusable paint bucket he was using so I thought I would be helpful and clean the bucket and brush and he about lost his mind saying how he couldn't match that color of stain and now our deck would look like "sh**" and cussed me out in the backyard. He could be cold and unloving and would take off with his boys and not want to do things together as a family with my son and myself. 

So you are probably wondering why on earth I would want to reconcile. Well... I don't. Not without MC and much soul searching on behalf of both of us. But, I started putting in the work to see how I could fix myself. Since I'm the only one I can change. 

I realized how my criticism probably felt like contempt to him. How I was loving him so much but what he really needed was respect. How selfish I really was at times. How much I needed to give him the space and freedom to be his own person. I realized the only person responsible for my happiness is myself, and I can't put all my happiness on him. And how I don't want a perfect husband, but one who is willing to own what he did to the marriage as I am and wants to grow. 

But I cannot save this alone.

And we are 14 weeks into this thing... and he still hasn't filed. But he has expressed he has no desire to reconcile when we spoke a month ago. We haven't communicated unless it was about logistical things since the beginning of august. Before that it had been several weeks without communication. 

So I guess what I want to know from you guys is... 

What do you think my next steps should be?

If he hasn't expressed any desire to reconcile in 3 months, do you think he probably won't?

Should I just file even though its really not what I want so it can help me move forward? 

Give it to me straight, no chaser. 





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## Diana7

Hmm, you may have acted badly and been critical, but him throwing things around and calling you names is appalling behaviour. Yes I am sure with lots of effort and counselling things could improve, but you both have to want it.
Have you apologised for your part in it all? Does he know that you want to try again?


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## Openminded

If he's said he has no interest in R then I would take him at his word. File.


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## SunCMars

Ouch, thrice.

A major effort to kickstart a new life with a now-exposed curmudgeon.

You entered this marriage with high hopes.

And apparently, a poor foundation. The house crumbled around you.

As I see this:

You- lived on your own for 10 years and made your own decisions and managed just fine. Your ability to compromise probably has gotten rusty.
Reading your post and his shortcomings it did not matter.

You- cannot compromise with angry fools.

He- brought his old baggage into his new marriage. 
He- lost respect for women and it shows. No amount of baking soda could cut back on his acid, flame throwing personality.

This marriage did not work out. 

Accept that terrible fact and move on.
What else is there to say?

Sorry!

One person cannot make a marriage work. One person cannot change another 'much' and forever.


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## Andy1001

You want to know what your next step should be?
They should be fast ones to the best lawyer you can get and end this farce of a marriage to a bullying immature idiot.


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## GusPolinski

File tomorrow morning.


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## chillymorn69

Print all these post and send it to him .

Write a message and explain if hes willing to work on his anger like you are working on yourself the you would be willing to try again. Tell him if you don't hear from him in 1 months time you will take it as a no thanks and file


Working on his anger and poor temper includes indivual counseling for himself.


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## arbitrator

*So he won't file?

Take the bull by the horns and beat him to the punch! And there's a legal advantage in filing first: You and your attorney get to pretty much set the courtroom agenda for the hearing process and/or trial! *


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## sokillme

Like you said you can't do it alone. He doesn't sound that great. Are you sure you are just not lonely?


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## GuacaColey

Diana7 said:


> Hmm, you may have acted badly and been critical, but him throwing things around and calling you names is appalling behaviour. Yes I am sure with lots of effort and counselling things could improve, but you both have to want it.
> Have you apologised for your part in it all? Does he know that you want to try again?




Diana- 

I apologized to him for being controlling and for responding in anger to his behavior. For not respecting him. 

I told him a week after I left I wanted to make it work. That is when he told me he was done and 100% wasn't going to change his mind. That he wasn't meant to be a husband but just needs to be a dad and focus on his children and he felt like I demanded too much of him as a wife. 

I asked him for half an hour each night where we could just have time for just us since he/we primary custody of his kids and had them 6-7 days a week. 

He said this felt like an obligation to him and he didn't like scheduling his life outside of work. 

After that I sent a text every several days related to reconciliation. He would ignore the texts. When I realized this wasn't respecting his need for space I stopped. So weve been NC for a little over 2 months now unless it was logistical stuff like when he dropped off the rest of my things to where I'm staying now.

My birthday passed and I got a random text from him. I was so touched he remembered. Then I opened it and it was about dropping off the last of my stuff. When I told him I would be out for my birthday dinner he said "ok." Didn't even wish me a happy birthday.

It seems to me he feels by being as indifferent as possible I wont get hope for reconciliation. 


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## GuacaColey

SunCMars said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> You- cannot compromise with angry fools.
> 
> 
> 
> He- brought his old baggage into his new marriage.
> 
> He- lost respect for women and it shows. .




I have thought for awhile about this and I think you're right. He ever sought counseling after what his ex wife did, and during arguments would occasionally tell me I'm like her.

Which in totally not. I was never unfaithful to him. Even still, I have not so much as flirted with another man though I've gotten offers. 


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## GuacaColey

Andy1001 said:


> You want to know what your next step should be?
> 
> They should be fast ones to the best lawyer you can get and end this farce of a marriage to a bullying immature idiot.




It does feel like a farce 

Maybe I'm the only one who was ever really in it. I don't know. 


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## sokillme

GuacaColey said:


> I wont get hope for reconciliation.


That doesn't mean you can't have hope for your life and your future.


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## GuacaColey

chillymorn69 said:


> Print all these post and send it to him .
> 
> 
> 
> Write a message and explain if hes willing to work on his anger like you are working on yourself the you would be willing to try again. Tell him if you don't hear from him in 1 months time you will take it as a no thanks and file
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Working on his anger and poor temper includes indivual counseling for himself.




I love this idea the problem is that he thinks I was to blame for his anger. He told me he's a different person know that I'm not around, that he's happier and not as angry around his kids. 

So the way he sees it, now that I'm gone he's good. At least that's what he tells me.

His mom told me he's throwing himself into work and that she has the boys all the time. She said anything with him is always going to be 95% his partner giving and only 5% him.

F*** I'm an idiot, aren't I. 


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## GuacaColey

arbitrator said:


> *So he won't file?
> 
> 
> 
> Take the bull by the horns and beat him to the punch! And there's a legal advantage in filing first: You and your attorney get to pretty much set the courtroom agenda for the hearing process and/or trial! *




I really don't want to file. Aside from the financial expense he's the one who wanted this, I don't see why I have to do it.

But I'm coming to the point where I may have to do so for my own emotional healing to take place. I can't stay in this limbo much longer.

I have a wonderful support system in my parents who already said they will happily help me pay for a lawyer.


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## GuacaColey

sokillme said:


> Like you said you can't do it alone. He doesn't sound that great. Are you sure you are just not lonely?




I think I'm still holding on to the person he was in the beginning. I think a lot of how he acts is hurts he won't deal with. But honestly... I don't see him becoming a better man anytime soon.

Not without hitting rock bottom. 


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## ButtPunch

GuacaColey said:


> I really don't want to file. Aside from the financial expense he's the one who wanted this, I don't see why I have to do it.
> 
> But I'm coming to the point where I may have to do so for my own emotional healing to take place. I can't stay in this limbo much longer.
> 
> I have a wonderful support system in my parents who already said they will happily help me pay for a lawyer.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree.

Do not file until you are certain you want a divorce.

He wants this....He can do it and pay for it.

However, you need to give him his space.

He wants a divorce then believe him.

He wants to talk.... he needs to come to you. 

Don't send him letters, or tell him how much counseling you got.

Let him go.....


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## GuacaColey

sokillme said:


> That doesn't mean you can't have hope for your life and your future.




Thank you. It's hard to have hope. I can honestly say I gave this marriage my all. I took care of his kids as my own, and sacrificed so many of my dreams. And he just kept taking. 

I don't know if I could ever let anyone in again. 


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## GuacaColey

ButtPunch said:


> I agree.
> 
> Do not file until you are certain you want a divorce.
> 
> He wants this....He can do it and pay for it.
> 
> However, you need to give him his space.
> 
> He wants a divorce then believe him.
> 
> He wants to talk.... he needs to come to you.
> 
> Don't send him letters, or tell him how much counseling you got.
> 
> Let him go.....




We are in a state that doesn't have a legal separation so I just worry about any debts I could be liable for as we stay legally married. 

Otherwise I agree with everything else.


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## SunCMars

Dear Hubby, blubbery man, does not want to be the 'bad guy'........to others.

To you? He could care less how his words and actions impact you.

I floated over to his new place.....listened in.

I caught him talking to others....

Yep, he is such a nice man. You are the Wicked Witch of the North.
Yep, his Ex wife was the Wicked Witch of the East.

That leaves two more ladies to be dragged, face down, in his manure.

Break protocol...and file.

As long as this hairy-legged barnacle-encrusted anchor is attached to your transom, you are dead in the water.

Some men are better off... single. 
He has the 'off' part, down pat. 

Unable to connect, to communicate?

He may be on the spectrum. It seems a common thread HERE. Hear?


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## Openminded

Take your parents up on their offer to help. You wouldn't want to be liable for any additional debt he may incur while separated.


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## GuacaColey

Well poop.

You guys are tough, man. I like it.

Another question... when we first separated I went on this soul-searching journey. I devoured every article and book I could about self improvement and spiritual growth. Still am... actually. 

Anyways, I bought two books for my husband written by men for men. I still feel like they would bless him. And I want to give them to him with no strings attached. I don't think they will make him all of a sudden see the light. Hell, he might not even read them. 

But if he does I think it could plant a little seed towards healing the wounds in his heart from his childhood. (His Dad abandoned him when he was 3). 

What do you guys think? Is there a way I can give them to him without me communicating I want anything from him in return? I really just want them to be a blessing to him.


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## GuacaColey

And also... I really appreciate all of you taking time out to offer up advice. 

Thank you 


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## ButtPunch

GuacaColey said:


> Well poop.
> 
> You guys are tough, man. I like it.
> 
> Another question... when we first separated I went on this soul-searching journey. I devoured every article and book I could about self improvement and spiritual growth. Still am... actually.
> 
> Anyways, I bought two books for my husband written by men for men. I still feel like they would bless him. And I want to give them to him with no strings attached. I don't think they will make him all of a sudden see the light. Hell, he might not even read them.
> 
> But if he does I think it could plant a little seed towards healing the wounds in his heart from his childhood. (His Dad abandoned him when he was 3).
> 
> What do you guys think? Is there a way I can give them to him without me communicating I want anything from him in return? I really just want them to be a blessing to him.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


NO just No

He doesn't want your self help books.

Let him go


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## chillymorn69

GuacaColey said:


> I love this idea the problem is that he thinks I was to blame for his anger. He told me he's a different person know that I'm not around, that he's happier and not as angry around his kids.
> 
> So the way he sees it, now that I'm gone he's good. At least that's what he tells me.
> 
> His mom told me he's throwing himself into work and that she has the boys all the time. She said anything with him is always going to be 95% his partner giving and only 5% him.
> 
> F*** I'm an idiot, aren't I.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


hmm , 

maybe listen to his mom. if she sayin that believe it and just file .

you sound like a cool woman and seem to get it(life) some time down the road you will find someone when you may least expect it. and you will know what to look for.


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## Openminded

ButtPunch said:


> NO just No
> 
> He doesn't want you self help books.
> 
> Let him go


I agree. 

Focus on you -- not him.


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## Herschel

I feel your pain. It's tough to love a broken person. Or at least, think you do. Some of it has to do with you, and your self esteem. You definitely deserve better than this. You think that guy early on was the real him? That was a farce. Someone he was pretending to be to get you. I am sure this is barking up either the narc or the bpd tree, but considering you have no kids with him and it's been just a year and a half, I suggest that you get out, end communication with him and close that chapter of your life.


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## Satya

Your books to him will sit on a table or on a shelf, unread.

I guarantee.

Just focus on you.


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## GuacaColey

Okay guys, well it seems I won't have to wonder for much longer. 

STBXH reached out to tell me he had filed but didn't know how to get the paperwork to me and I told him I will accept it through certified mail (in my state you are allowed to do this). 

I'm amazed how much all of this still hurts. I've had 3 months to prepare myself mentally for divorce but actually finding out he filed is something even deeper. I guess no matter how I tried to squash it, I kept hoping the reason he hadn't filed was because he had small doubts. 

And no worries- I won't be sending the books now.

At the same time I'm so thankful I wasn't holding on for like a year without him filing!!! God is so good. 

Now I see why none of my prayers/ attempts at reconciliation worked. He hardened his heart day one. And I'm starting to think he was never Gods plan for me but just a bump in the road and I got off track. 

I'm wounded at his callousness and total indifference towards me and it's going to take a LONG time to heal. Because somehow That makes me feel like I must've not been worth very much if he can just write me off like yesterday's news.

But at least I can start now healing since I will no longer be in that awful limbo. 

Any practical advice for working on my self esteem? I'm a pretty girl but could stand to lose a few and work on myself emotionally since this took a harsh toll on me. 




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## Bibi1031

Please continue counseling for yourself. You picked an abuser plain and simple. Abusive people can't really feel love. They simply hurt those they have a relationship with. They use and abuse those that love them!

Count your lucky stars he set you free. It would have been pure hell for you to continue with him and you would of lost precious time loving someone who is unable to reciprocate. The person that told you that YSTBX's initial self to you was just a persona is spot on! Once he had you, his true colors emerged in all their gory. I also agree with the folks who see him somewhere in the Narc or BPD spectrum. He sure looks like it to me. I have been around these type of predators and they all react pretty much the same way. 

Educate yourself on these types because sadly there are plenty of those sick people out there and if you are somewhat naive and vulnerable; you will be easy prey to these types. Learn to see the red flags and run as fast as you can in the other direction!


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## GuacaColey

Bibi1031 said:


> Please continue counseling for yourself. You picked an abuser plain and simple. Abusive people can't really feel love. They simply hurt those they have a relationship with. They use and abuse those that love them!
> 
> Count your lucky stars he set you free. It would have been pure hell for you to continue with him and you would of lost precious time loving someone who is unable to reciprocate. The person that told you that YSTBX's initial self to you was just a persona is spot on! Once he had you, his true colors emerged in all their gory. I also agree with the folks who see him somewhere in the Narc or BPD spectrum. He sure looks like it to me. I have been around these type of predators and they all react pretty much the same way.
> 
> Educate yourself on these types because sadly there are plenty of those sick people out there and if you are somewhat naive and vulnerable; you will be easy prey to these types. Learn to see the red flags and run as fast as you can in the other direction!




What if it was just me? What if I pushed all his buttons and he really isn't broken or damaged? What if it was just that he had total contempt for me and the next woman comes along and he's Prince Charming. 

Is that possible? Someone can only be abusive/exhibit nasty personality traits to one person?

I'm glad you guys are at least labeling it abuse. Makes me feel vindicated a tad bit. I knew a lot of the stuff was f'ed up but didn't know it crossed the line into abuse. 

I remember him throwing a plate of Chinese food because I felt like he was singling out my son and asked him to please lay off him a bit. I remember him continuing to try to sneak our dog into a festival and the cops kept stopping us to tell us she was not allowed in, and when I told him it wasn't really fun anymore he said I was no fun and that's why he didn't like to do stuff with me. I remember when I was out and about and there was a tornado in the area and I got stuck in a store bathroom for 3 hours to take cover and he never called to check on me. I remember him ditching me before our Chicago trip that was supposed to be just the two of us because he thought his boys would appreciate it more. They ended up telling him they didn't want to go because my son wasn't going (STBXH said he didn't want him to go) so STBXH took his male Bff instead. I remember him telling me all the time I made him want to cheat on me. And telling me he wanted to divorce me at least weekly starting a month after our marriage. He would tell me I was lazy and haven't done anything worthwhile in my life. I remember him throwing over a table that had my phone and tea on it and my phone was water damaged and would not work for months. That one was my fault according to him, because I tried to wake him up when he was sleeping at 6pm. 

Man I could go on... this is as good as therapy. I've never told anyone this stuff. 




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## Bibi1031

GuacaColey said:


> What if it was just me? What if I pushed all his buttons and he really isn't broken or damaged? What if it was just that he had total contempt for me and the next woman comes along and he's Prince Charming.
> 
> Is that possible? Someone can only be abusive/exhibit nasty personality traits to one person?
> 
> I'm glad you guys are at least labeling it abuse. Makes me feel vindicated a tad bit. I knew a lot of the stuff was f'ed up but didn't know it crossed the line into abuse.
> 
> *that is why actual therspy is necessary after you have lived through this experience. There is rubble to get rid of so to speak. Your examples below are windows/red flags into who they really are. If you keep digging, you will see that he is not all that great with his other relationships either. Keep digging out all that mess, hopefully with a professional. *
> 
> I remember him throwing a plate of Chinese food because I felt like he was singling out my son and asked him to please lay off him a bit. I remember him continuing to try to sneak our dog into a festival and the cops kept stopping us to tell us she was not allowed in, and when I told him it wasn't really fun anymore he said I was no fun and that's why he didn't like to do stuff with me. I remember when I was out and about and there was a tornado in the area and I got stuck in a store bathroom for 3 hours to take cover and he never called to check on me. I remember him ditching me before our Chicago trip that was supposed to be just the two of us because he thought his boys would appreciate it more. They ended up telling him they didn't want to go because my son wasn't going (STBXH said he didn't want him to go) so STBXH took his male Bff instead. I remember him telling me all the time I made him want to cheat on me. And telling me he wanted to divorce me at least weekly starting a month after our marriage. He would tell me I was lazy and haven't done anything worthwhile in my life. I remember him throwing over a table that had my phone and tea on it and my phone was water damaged and would not work for months. That one was my fault according to him, because I tried to wake him up when he was sleeping at 6pm.
> 
> Man I could go on... this is as good as therapy. I've never told anyone this stuff.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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