# 35-yr-old Stepson Living with us!!!



## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

I know it's a familiar story... adult children living 'at home.' I just joined here in hopes of finding some support or advice.

My stepsons were 19 and 22 when their father and I met. I made the MISTAKE of moving into the house where my husband and his ex had lived, and where the kids grew up. (Little did I realize...)

At various times, each stepson has come back "home" in need of a place to live, for years at a time. We've spent thousands of dollars trying to get them to "launch" in various ways.

This one, now 35 years old, had a plan to get a 9-month professional certification. Okay. Then once here, he decided to go for a 2-year degree, without working. It's been nearly FOUR years now, but he has graduated, and just landed a job, to begin in a few weeks.

I want a definite PLAN for him to leave, asap. Now he's talking about staying here to save up for a house, though. And it would be a fixer-upper, so he'd live here while renovating it.

AAAGGHHH!!!!

It's not JUST the money, or the sense of entitlement, or the lack of gratitude, or taking up space I'd really like to have back -- it's also the intrusion on my privacy. I have to make sure I put a robe on to walk down the hall, I feel uncomfortable doing my Wii or coloring my hair or dealing with certain health-related issues, I don't have as much alone-time with my husband... And I want the bedroom he's taken, I want his stuff out of our garage and storage unit, and I want my bathroom back -- it's the only one with a tub, but it's been "his" for four years!!

I am getting really resentful and bitter (can you tell?!), but have a very hard time expressing myself or confronting people. Tonight we are going out to dinner together (husband, stepson and I) to "have a talk." I think I would like to say that he should move out at the end of October at the latest. By then, he'd have a couple of paychecks, and he already has a few thousand in his bank account, so he can get an apartment and save for his house there. 

(He insists he can't. He can. His job will pay well. He can choose a less cushy living situation with a roommate to save for his house, or he can pay full price for a luxurious 2-bedroom townhouse -- his choice.)

How can I present this? I'm told I should convince him it's best for HIM. But I don't think I should have to do that. It should be enough that it's what I want, no?

(Husband only wants him out because I do, but has huge guilt feelings and doesn't want to "lose his relationship" with the son. Yeah. No wonder he's spoiled, right?)

Any advice would be much appreciated!!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Talking is pointless.

He already knows how you feel and has done nothing to fix this.

Unless you are ready to set a firm boundary and stick with it I'd do/say nothing. 

They know you aren't good at confrontations and they subconsciously use that against you.

Can you get some counseling to deal with your fear of confrontation?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'd present two views to your stepson:

1. He is an adult, living in your home, and unfortunately money has been really tight for you and H so you have to ask him to help out. Lay out a list of demands if he stays:
--Rent (this doesn't have to be much if your H will balk at the idea)
--Helping with the bills (does he use the computer all the time? Have him help with the internet bill. Is he always on the phone? Have him help with the phone bill.)
--Either paying a flat monthly rate for food or getting a mini-fridge and buying his own food

OR

2. Stepson gets his own place.

I promise that even with charging him some rent and asking for assistance with bills/food that you won't be charging as much as he'd pay in rent. But I'm willing to bet if you tell him he has to pay you guys he will leave.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

35 and still loves at home? LOL!

Does he date? I'm guessing not.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

He's married to his dad.

....I'm half joking.


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## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Talking is pointless.
> 
> He already knows how you feel and has done nothing to fix this.
> 
> ...


Thanks. Yes, I've been in counseling myself to deal with "boundary issues" -- in this case, literally!

I am not sure how to enforce or stick with a boundary. "Move by October 31 or...?" Maybe "Or I'm going to go live with my sister until you do." Hm, that actually might work.


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## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

LoveAtDaisys said:


> I'd present two views to your stepson:
> 
> 1. He is an adult, living in your home, and unfortunately money has been really tight for you and H so you have to ask him to help out. Lay out a list of demands if he stays:
> --Rent (this doesn't have to be much if your H will balk at the idea)
> ...


Yes, it's food and soda, gas/electric, phone, paper and toner like crazy, water (always uses the "heavy duty" washer setting), and if I have wine around, he helps himself.

Maybe if I started asking for MORE than he'd pay on his own, he'd budge?


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## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

LonelyinLove said:


> 35 and still loves at home? LOL!
> 
> Does he date? I'm guessing not.


Not much. :rofl:


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## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> He's married to his dad.
> 
> ....I'm half joking.


Oh my gosh, I have often said to my husband, "I married YOU, not your adult sons!!"


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

WomanAtWork said:


> Thanks. Yes, I've been in counseling myself to deal with "boundary issues" -- in this case, literally!
> 
> I am not sure how to enforce or stick with a boundary. "Move by October 31 or...?" Maybe "Or I'm going to go live with my sister until you do." Hm, that actually might work.


Now you're thinking. 

Actions speak louder than words every day of the week.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He has a job and a few thousand in the bank.

The easiest way to get someone to move out is to present an alternative to them that is a deal that they cannot refuse.

Look into firs time home owner loans and assistance in your state. With this kind of help he does not have to save up to buy a home.

You have time before dinner to do some research locally. He most likely qualifies. 

You and your husband could also offer some amount to help him get out and set up in his own place. Even if it’s only $500-$1000 for a few furnishings.

Then he can get a roommate to help him pay his payments.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WomanAtWork said:


> Yes, it's food and soda, gas/electric, phone, paper and toner like crazy, water (always uses the "heavy duty" washer setting), and if I have wine around, he helps himself.
> 
> Maybe if I started asking for MORE than he'd pay on his own, he'd budge?


He should be paying at least 1/3 of the rent/mortgage, utilities, food, home repairs, etc.

Make it high enough that he might as well get his own place.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Maybe stop wearing that robe. 

Make loud moaning sounds when you have sex.

Be very loud.

Discuss your cramps and how bloated you are at the dinner table.

Make it uncomfortable enough for HIM and he will for sure leave.

I could totally have some fun with this 35 year old freeloader.


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Good luck! I, like you, moved into the house my Husband lived with his ex. My posts in this forum explain a similar unresolved issue. Hope we hear from people who have successfully dealt with this scenario and kept their marriage intact!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

wifenumber2 your issues go way deeper than this. Your husband if I remember you correctly is also a freeloader as well as his kids. Aren't you the breadwinner for him and his brood as well?


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## wifenumber2 (Jul 29, 2011)

Yes, but still have some similarities with OP. In my opinion it is so much easier to set boundaries when it is your mutual biological child. Being the step parent adds a whole new layer of issues.


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## WomanAtWork (Aug 16, 2013)

Follow-up: We didn't have the dinner or the talk. We are taking him out tonight for his birthday, but since it's about his birthday I'm told we are not to talk about it.

Meanwhile, for simply suggesting thinking about a time frame when the topic came up, when a woman-friend of his was in the room (who also freeloads here), he apparently told my husband that he and she both thought I was "HARSH!!"

Harsh?!? I am as meek as a mouse!!! At least I think I am. This only made me more furious because it shows how entitled he feels. Suggesting a time frame is just so harsh...

I'm upset.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WomanAtWork said:


> Follow-up: We didn't have the dinner or the talk. We are taking him out tonight for his birthday, but since it's about his birthday I'm told we are not to talk about it.
> 
> Meanwhile, for simply suggesting thinking about a time frame when the topic came up, when a woman-friend of his was in the room (who also freeloads here), he apparently told my husband that he and she both thought I was "HARSH!!"
> 
> ...


If you are so harsh, then he and his girlfriend surely need to find somewhere else to hang out.

You might want to remind your husband that either he take your side in this or he's going to end up alone. Then he can depend on his 35 year old deadbeat son in his old age.

What I do think you did wrong was to try to discuss this topic when his friend was there. IT gave the SS someone to stand against you with. Pick the time and place of your battles better.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

"Harsh"...I think I called my parents that...when I was 17. 

I'm also a girl.

I think his birthday is the perfect time to bring it up! "Son, you are now 36, and I think it's time that you get out on your own. You aren't getting any younger". I'd start the conversation after a good dinner, everybody's happy (and hopefully not too drunk) and the festivities are done so you didn't "ruin his day".

He's waffling, he's making excuses, in short, he's doing everything he can to keep you from kicking him out. Get your husband on your side and get this leech out of your house.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

It's a rough economy out there and I could certainly understand your husband allowing his kids to come home if they were hard up, but this man is 36 and he needs to work while pursuing this certification. I'm not sure where you live, but he could rent a room for under $500 a month just about anywhere. Does this guy have no shame?


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