# Husband "almost" cheated... now what?



## RedShirt99 (Jul 3, 2012)

My husband & I have been together 8 years and married for 2. We have a beautiful 2-year old son together, who we adore, and I am 5 months pregnant with our second child. Both children were planned, and we tried many months and experienced a miscarriage before this current pregnancy. We are, all in all, extremely happy (or so I thought). We love spending time together, make each other laugh, and show a lot of respect for one another.

I currently feel like my entire equilibium has been upended, and now I feel like I am sinking. I couldn't find my cell phone 3 nights ago, so grabbed his off our kitchen table to send my sister a text. I saw a text thread from someone named Michelle and looked at it. In it she told him how beautiful he was and how she wanted to see him again. Then the following morning, he texted her asking if she wanted to meet for coffee. Her response: "I'm sorry, I just can't do that to your wife. Last night was the alcohol talking." He then told her that he felt the same, and that's what he wanted to meet for coffee about - so he could tell her. His final text was something along the lines of, "Well now that we're friends, let me know if you want to get that coffee sometime."

I couldn't even process this, because it was such a shock. Initially, I almost felt like it was no big deal, and wasn't sure I'd even say anything. But within about 2 hours I felt physically sick and terrified. I just kept seeing her text, "I could do that to your wife" and thinking, yes, but HE could?!

I confronted him very calmly, and he said he had been wanting to talk to me about it all week (he met this women while he was at a concert the week before, and she asked him to come home with her). He said "nothing actually happened", but I'm sorry, there had to be some major flirting going on for her to invite him home. He admitted he was tempted, and in the moment wanted to sleep with her. He says he has felt like he is drowing all week, and so alone, and that he wanted to talk to me about it, but was scared.

Here's the thing, he says he's sorry and that he can't imagine he was willing to risk ruining what we have, and that I can trust him. But I had to demand that he get rid of her phone number and not have any more contact with her - he didn't think that was necessary. He said that nothing was going to happen now, and he thought it was fair that they stay friends (except they aren't "friends" - what the hell???).

I also told him that I know he isn't a terribly emotionally expressive person, and I don't expect him to become someone he's not, but that I need him to step outside his comfort zone right now and reassure me about how he feels and where we stand. I don't know how to be more explicit than that, except I haven't received any additional "I love yous", "How are yous", affection, kisses, attempts at showing tenderness, etc. It's the same old routine as always.

It's not that I want him to grovel, but I want to feel like he is doing everything he can to repair this and how hurt I am. And I don't. We have talked about this every night for 3 nights. I don't want to go around in circles, and I don't want to have to write him a gd manual for what he should do or say to make this right. I want him to man up, put in the effort, and figure it out himself.

I feel so fragile and so alone. I thought we were as perfect as a couple could be, seriously. And never once in our 8 years together have I ever worried he'd cheat on me. He is so honest about everything, and so committed.

I just cannot believe he would risk everything we have, especially with a baby on the way. I don't know how to move past this unless he takes the initiative to right things, and I just see him bumbling along like always.

I am hurt, pissed, humiliated, sad and scared. What now?


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## Conrad&Janie (Jul 2, 2012)

Demand he send a written letter of no contact. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.

There are samples in the forum for you to use.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Her phone number goes. She should be consigned to history, not your relationship.

Did he have sex with her? He might not have. But he put himself in a position he should not have been in. I have been there myself, to my shame.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

> He said that *nothing was going to happen now*, and he thought it was fair that they stay friends


The intent was there. No, that woman can NOT be his friend. He needs to go completely NC with her. COMPLETELY. Write a letter, send it. Delete the cell number. If he got ANY other contact info from her, that needs to go as well.


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

Oh, OW's pretending she's a good woman but really she's just playing the "Snag a Married Man" game. I'm sure next she'll claim she's never dated a married man before but he is just "oh, so special" and she can't stop thinking about him. Then he will think she's just so moral and good and he's just so irresistible. 

He cannot be friends with this woman and he needs to learn some serious marital boundaries.

You cannot sweep this incident under the rug or sadly, you will be posting here again in the future after discovering a full blown affair.


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

conrad&janie said:


> demand he send a written letter of no contact. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.
> 
> There are samples in the forum for you to use.


this ^^^^^^^


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

Honestly its a lot worse than some might think it is (sorry to say its true) he seemed ready to cheat with her until she decided no. Thankfully she said she could not do that. I wonder what he would of said had she said she could go along with it. 

That is a huge red flag about your husbands character he will have to change completely as a person. Cause who he is right now is someone who will cheat if given the chance.

best of luck

I suggest marriage counseling if he rejects that than really sad to say but divorce might be in the future.


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## RedShirt99 (Jul 3, 2012)

Thank you all for your input. He showed me a few minutes ago that her number and their conversation is no longer in his phone. He texted her again today to tell her he was deleting her information. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I think he would be open to seeing a therapist together. But I resent him for making that yet another thing we need to find money for right now. Does that make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RedShirt99 said:


> Thank you all for your input. He showed me a few minutes ago that her number and their conversation is no longer in his phone. He texted her again today to tell her he was deleting her information. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about that. I think he would be open to seeing a therapist together. But I resent him for making that yet another thing we need to find money for right now. Does that make sense?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Since he sent her a text, what he SHOULD have said was "You were right about not cheating on my wife. Because the intent was there, I am removing your contact info, and will no longer be contacting you. Please, respect my wishes and do not contact me either." What did the OW respond when he sent her that text?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Just don't buy that "just friends" lullaby.


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## RedShirt99 (Jul 3, 2012)

Unfortunately, I don't know what he really said to her when he contacted her today. He deleted their entire conversation history with her phone number. I think I would feel better about the "ending" if I'd been privy to that text conversation. The awful thing about this whole thing is the doubting him & wondering if he's telling me everything. I've never had reason to doubt him before. I hate feeling this way now, not trusting us as a unit.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

RedShirt99;879153 "Well now that we're friends said:


> Imo,this just sounds like he wanted the opportunity to take another shot at her.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

That's exactly why you have to be part of ending contact. You tell him you're doing it over with a definitive message.

You are right to be disturbed that he was reinitiating contact and describing her as a 'friend.'

Get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and get him to read it with you. Also take a look at the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rainie days in 2012 (Jul 6, 2012)

RedShirt99 said:


> My husband & I have been together 8 years and married for 2. We have a beautiful 2-year old son together, who we adore, and I am 5 months pregnant with our second child. Both children were planned, and we tried many months and experienced a miscarriage before this current pregnancy. We are, all in all, extremely happy (or so I thought). We love spending time together, make each other laugh, and show a lot of respect for one another.
> 
> I currently feel like my entire equilibium has been upended, and now I feel like I am sinking. I couldn't find my cell phone 3 nights ago, so grabbed his off our kitchen table to send my sister a text. I saw a text thread from someone named Michelle and looked at it. In it she told him how beautiful he was and how she wanted to see him again. Then the following morning, he texted her asking if she wanted to meet for coffee. Her response: "I'm sorry, I just can't do that to your wife. Last night was the alcohol talking." He then told her that he felt the same, and that's what he wanted to meet for coffee about - so he could tell her. His final text was something along the lines of, "Well now that we're friends, let me know if you want to get that coffee sometime."
> 
> ...


my husband travels a great deal for work. We have been together for 27 years married for 24 years. 
Back in 09 he met a very young girl (18) who was a girlfriend of a co worker. when they broke up she came to my husband and offered him sex for a place to stay. of course he called and told me immeadiatly. I thought that was that. but to my surprise about 5 months later when he was home for the holidays I discovered he was in fact still seeing and speaking to her. He tried to defind himself but just like I explained to both of them: she is a home wrecking **** who has daddy issues and came to play in the wrong back yard!!!! He did get an ultamatum as this was not his first offense!! Both times he was falling down drunk and really didn't give a flying crap who he was sleeping with. Of course he tried to deny it, but hey when he played he brought an STD!! Nailed him and yet he still denies sleeping around. 
We are still together, I don't have that unconditional trust in him anymore. I don't know if he will stray again but I hope not. I'm insecure in our marriage and expect him to ask for divorce at any time. 
I am not young anymore, gravity has taken a sever toll on me, my health is not great anymore and knowing that young women from 18 to 30 are what he looks at. Hell 30 maybe to old for him. 
He does spend alot of time on the phone with me, tells me when the guys ask him to go to the bars and I do drop in unannouced. 
I think that it is soooooooo important that lines of communication stays open. Ultimitly it is up to you to decide if you can forgive (you will never forget) and live with his actions. 
Above all you must know that his actions had NOTHING to do with you!!


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## athenaspell (Jun 15, 2016)

I caught my husband twice trying to hook up with other woman. I have been to counseling with him and he claims he has changed.. still, inside I have this gnawing feeling ... I do not have any trust in him or in his character. Everything he does I question and also His sex drive towards me is almost non existent. We fight about it all the time . I love him very deeply but he broke my heart, lost my respect and trust,once damaged is almost impossible to fix. I forgive him but I live in torment.... I make a very good living and in all honestly sometimes I feel like jumping ship after 2 years of battling it in my heart. I dont feel like I can get over it.... Im 52 and look fabulous for my age.. I make a better income and am very intelligent.. ( I question that due to this situation), I am not certain what to do .... I cant live with him and I hate thinking about living without him...


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