# Dealing with ex husband and parenting



## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

My ex husband is constantly trying to tell me I’m doing something wrong as a parent since we’ve divorced over a year ago. The latest thing he’s complaining about is that I want to breastfeed our baby for longer than a year. (Baby is already a year old). He tells me that I’m spoiling the baby by continuing longer than a year. I just feel that the baby isn’t ready to stop yet. We also have an older child who he is constantly telling me I’m doing something wrong with. She’s 3 and has quite a few temper tantrums. But every time she has one he tells her it’s your moms fault that you act like a little brat. And I haven’t fully let him take them yet as our custody agreement is pretty vague and he gets quite angry with the 3 year old which makes me nervous to leave them alone. (He has a history of being violent with me. Which is part of why we divorced.) I guess I’m just here for some reassurance that it gets better after divorce? Or am I always gonna be this miserable?


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I had a look at your older posts , before I responded , there are many points in this short post 


Andelee said:


> he latest thing he’s complaining about is that I want to breastfeed our baby for longer than a year. (Baby is already a year old). He tells me that I’m spoiling the baby by continuing longer than a year.


 I see nothing wrong in what your doing , stop when you feel it is right and forget him and his advice on this 


Andelee said:


> We also have an older child who he is constantly telling me I’m doing something wrong with. She’s 3 and has quite a few temper tantrums.


I am not going to even try to respond to this as it is impossible to say why she is having temper tantrums. best to look for advice somewhere on this ,


Andelee said:


> But every time she has one he tells her it’s your moms fault that you act like a little brat.


 this is the worst thing he could say to her , this is proof he is a bad father 


Andelee said:


> I haven’t fully let him take them yet as our custody agreement is pretty vague and he gets quite angry with the 3 year old which makes me nervous to leave them alone.


I understand but you will have to do something about this , they need him in their life , but I AM ALL SO THINKING ABOUT A POST YOU MADE A LONG TIME AGO ABOUT HIS DRINKING sorry for the caps 


Andelee said:


> I guess I’m just here for some reassurance that it gets better after divorce? Or am I always gonna be this miserable?


 sorry I can't say as I don't know where you are in your life , have you a job , have you a life outside the home 
it would be good if you can drop off the kids to his house it would be ideal if he had a woman:girlfriend THAT could help him mind them and you get some me time ,
I don't know about his abuse, I can not say if it was only you or if he is abusive to others in the past , drinking and abuse often go hand in hand , depending on how big an issue his abuse and his drinking is and the courts on the custody agreement for me I think in the ideal world he should have custody at times under some form of control by public service but I have no idea what that is like in your area , and a lot comes down to the person some are as damaging or worse than the ones they are watching , I have seen some very bad social workers


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Let me start by saying you really married a jerk but thankfully he is an ex but unfortunately he is an ex that you are stuck with for the next 18 years (at least). I would staturate his inbox with studies after studies that suggest the longer you can breastfeed a baby the healthier it is for them, but if that weren't enough i would tell him that economically right now with the shortage of baby formula what you are doing makes the most sense.....as for your 3 year old, he again is cause problems where there is none and causing potentially irreparable to your older child psyche....you need to get a family councelor to train you guys how to handle post divorce child rearing. Do not play his games.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Andelee said:


> My ex husband is constantly trying to tell me I’m doing something wrong as a parent since we’ve divorced over a year ago. The latest thing he’s complaining about is that I want to breastfeed our baby for longer than a year. (Baby is already a year old). He tells me that I’m spoiling the baby by continuing longer than a year. I just feel that the baby isn’t ready to stop yet. We also have an older child who he is constantly telling me I’m doing something wrong with. She’s 3 and has quite a few temper tantrums. But every time she has one he tells her it’s your moms fault that you act like a little brat. And I haven’t fully let him take them yet as our custody agreement is pretty vague and he gets quite angry with the 3 year old which makes me nervous to leave them alone. (He has a history of being violent with me. Which is part of why we divorced.) I guess I’m just here for some reassurance that it gets better after divorce? Or am I always gonna be this miserable?


Can't remember why I was reading it, but read something yesterday that said toddlers have tantrums on average one a day, a big one. Lots of people do breast feed longer. If you begin to feel you are being coerced or if you begin to have genuine fears your husband may abuse the toddler, please do talk to your divorce attorney about it and get a new hearing and ruling on it if necessary. Also, if he won't do it upon your request, get a ruling that says both of you have to go to parenting classes, the same class, so you get on the same page. He sounds, well, ignorant about young kids -- and I'm ignorant about young kids so I get how that can happen, like if you had no younger siblings, etc. But if it's threatening to be abuse, you must fix that. The best thing would be if a third party made him understand what is normal with kids and what isn't and gave both of you the same parenting tools.


----------



## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

frenchpaddy said:


> I had a look at your older posts , before I responded , there are many points in this short post
> 
> I see nothing wrong in what your doing , stop when you feel it is right and forget him and his advice on this
> 
> ...


Thank you! I really appreciate your reply. I have let him come to my house frequently to spend time with the kids. And I have also taken them to his moms house which is where he lives. But I have never left them without me there or let him just drive off with them. And yes he does have a problem with alcohol abuse which from what I can tell is ongoing and he also has a history of violence with me as well.


----------



## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Let me start by saying you really married a jerk but thankfully he is an ex but unfortunately he is an ex that you are stuck with for the next 18 years (at least). I would staturate his inbox with studies after studies that suggest the longer you can breastfeed a baby the healthier it is for them, but if that weren't enough i would tell him that economically right now with the shortage of baby formula what you are doing makes the most sense.....as for your 3 year old, he again is cause problems where there is none and causing potentially irreparable to your older child psyche....you need to get a family councelor to train you guys how to handle post divorce child rearing. Do not play his games.


Thank you so much for your reply! Yes I have sent him some articles about breastfeeding. I even asked his sister how long she breastfed her children in front of him because I knew it was about 18 months and that he would trust her opinion. But he is still complaining that I should stop but I mostly just ignore him on that. And with the 3 year old he even has been telling her to say “team daddy” huh? We’re not on mommy’s team. So I have tried saying no we are team family. I agree a family counselor would be helpful.


----------



## Andelee (Jun 3, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Can't remember why I was reading it, but read something yesterday that said toddlers have tantrums on average one a day, a big one. Lots of people do breast feed longer. If you begin to feel you are being coerced or if you begin to have genuine fears your husband may abuse the toddler, please do talk to your divorce attorney about it and get a new hearing and ruling on it if necessary. Also, if he won't do it upon your request, get a ruling that says both of you have to go to parenting classes, the same class, so you get on the same page. He sounds, well, ignorant about young kids -- and I'm ignorant about young kids so I get how that can happen, like if you had no younger siblings, etc. But if it's threatening to be abuse, you must fix that. The best thing would be if a third party made him understand what is normal with kids and what isn't and gave both of you the same parenting tools.


Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it! Yes I think it is normal for toddlers to have tantrums but it infuriates me that he feels that they are my fault. And actually we did take a parenting class which was a requirement in the state that we live in for any divorce with children but it was during Covid and I don’t think he even read it. It was all online. Yes I have even had some of my friends who are still friends with him tell him that that is not okay but he is so self absorbed I just don’t know how he will ever understand. It has been very hard.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Andelee said:


> Thank you for your reply! I appreciate it! Yes I think it is normal for toddlers to have tantrums but it infuriates me that he feels that they are my fault. And actually we did take a parenting class which was a requirement in the state that we live in for any divorce with children but it was during Covid and I don’t think he even read it. It was all online. Yes I have even had some of my friends who are still friends with him tell him that that is not okay but he is so self absorbed I just don’t know how he will ever understand. It has been very hard.


Did he have to pass the parenting class and provide proof to someone? I mean you could take this up with whoever you were dealing with before. You know maybe he would learn faster if he did have to take care of the toddler three and a half days a week work for a whole week every other week. He would learn pretty quick what is really like and it might benefit you if he did. I wouldn't leave the toddler for a week at a time because I would want to make sure their weren't any marks every few days at least. So I don't know what your custody agreement is but three and a half days a week would be good so you weren't away for so long. He needs to see what it's like to be a full-time dad to a toddler. Then he can quit blaming other people.


----------

