# Kissed another man - advice please?



## aussie84

Hi All.
I am new to the site and would really appreciate some advice from anyone.
I have been with my husband for 7 years. I absolutely love and adore him. I do everything for him and he wants for nothing. I have never ever thought about cheating on him. Last weekend I was out with my girlfriend and what was supposed to be a quiet night turned out massive. I can't really remember much of what happened but I do remember that I kissed someone else. I don't know how or who initiated it, I just know it happened. My husband is not a very affectionate person and I've never had much self esteem. Not that it's any excuse but I think the attention made me feel good.
The guilt is absolutely killing me but I just can't tell my husband. I know this will never happen again but at the same time I feel like the worst person ever for not telling him. What should I do? 
Thanks in advance.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

does your friend know about this?
how does your friend and husband get on?
do you know this other person? or a stranger?
if nothing like this has ever happened before, i would say not to say anything at this point.
but you have to find a way to talk to your husband about being closer to you.
getting drunk or in a 'following the crowd' situation is never an excuse for bad behavior that disrespects the SO or relationship.
i dont think getting drunk MAKES you do things, getting drunk gives you the courage to do something you already WANT to do.
stay away from the type of situation that allowed for you to do this. try to work with your husband on things to make the relationship better and for him to make things better for you on his end.

good luck


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## charlene

If there's no chance to hear it from somewhere else ,don't tell him, let it go. I don't see a reason why you should hurt him if there's nothing more...
P.S. stop drinking


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## sigma1299

So I assume you were drunk? Where was your GF while this was happening? Can she fill in the blanks? If she just stood there and let this happen she's not much of a friend. 

Anyway the answers to the above don't really matter all that much. Why wouldn't you tell your H? Do you think he'll leave you over a one time kiss or is there more to the story? If it's only a one time kiss, a totally unprecedented and singular mistake, if there is much risk that he'll leave over it there are other issues anyway. Sure he'll be pissed but in that circumstance I wouldn't expect it to be catastrophic. On the other hand if it's only shame getting in your way, well you need to put on your big girl panties and own what you did, even if you were drunk. It's as simple as this. Secrecy in a marriage = bad, total honesty = good. Sometimes total honesty is hard, but it is always better and the faster it comes the better it is. Secrets don't get better with age. 

You said that your H is not affectionate and you have self esteme issues. Welcome to the club so do i. I was and am very happily married but that didn't stop me from having virtual sex with and telling another woman I loved her during my two month emotional affair - because I liked the attention to. Get this out in the open and use it to work on what's missing with your H. Use it as a warning shot to strengthen your marriage before you do something much much worse - because you like the attention.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

What are you going to do to make sure it never happens again?


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## aussie84

My friend doesn't know. Her and my H get along really well. This person was a total stranger that we had met earlier in the night before we got separated.
I totally agree that being drunk doesn't make you do things, I can honestly say though that I do not want anything physically or emotionally from anyone else. I have had nights in the past where I have drank and nothing like this has ever happened. 
Besides the odd glass of wine I don't drink these days so it's all been a massive wake up call. 1. That I was right in giving up drinking and 2. I need to speak to my H about my feelings. 
Thanks much
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Don't beat yourself up. It's obvious you feel bad about it. It was a crazy situation to get yourself in and a crazy thing to do. Alcohol is not a great idea unless you absolutely have someone to keep an eye on you. 

It sounds like you have a bit of a wild side and for that you have to work out with your H how you can attend to it in a safe way that doesn't damage your marriage. Maybe he needs to take you out more, learn how to turn up the heat a bit in public or give you compliments or support you in building up your esteem.

The way I see it is that you gained a bit of knowledge about yourself. It sounds like you didn't pay a real high price for it, but if you don't use it as a learning experience in order to fuel changes, it could be the beginning of more habits that could lead to much more damage than what you are feeling now.

My advice would be to take this negative experience as a wake up call, and to address the underlying issues rather than the behavior itself. My H and I don't drink but if we did I think it would take more than a kiss to cause serious trouble. In fact, I can think of loads of interpersonal issues that don't even involve anything sexual at all, that could cause a lot more trouble than a kiss. 

Put it in context. Look at the big picture. 
Sometimes an ice cube floating on the ocean is just that. It's not the tip of an iceberg. Just something that needs to be observed and contemplated and considered.


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## sigma1299

Jane Doe said:


> that's hard. guilt will eat you alive. just as rebuilding broken trust will. pick your poison.


Yeah but the difference is that guilt will continue to eat at you and rot your soul. At least with rebuilding broken trust the bad is cut out and you are healing and moving forward. 

Kind of like a splinter. You know you have it because it hurts. Cutting it out damn sure hurts worse than leaving it in your finger but it's the only way to heal. If you leave the splinter it will fester and eventually get infected. If you suck up the pain of pulling it out, it will immediately start to get better.


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## MrK

Another husband who stayed home with the kids while the little lady could unwind with a few gal pals on a GNO.

Little quiet evenings don't just turn "massive" all on their own. It was SOMEBODY'S plan to party that night. See, even when a GNO is intended to be 100% innocent, this stuff happens


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## SunnyT

Well, I'm guessing the percentage is the same or more for "BNO".


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## aussie84

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice.
You have all given me lots to think about.

MrK - while I appreciate you took the time to read and reply to my post, you couldn't be further off the mark. We do not have children so this was not another one of those cases. I do not go out on girls nights out. I haven't been out since I was single. My nights out usually consist of a mid-week movie with my friend or sister. Heck, my hens night was dinner and a couple of drinks at a restaurant as I'm not what you would consider a "party girl".

I know I made a mistake, a huge one at that. It was my first in 7 years and I know that it will be my last. Instead of being pigeonholed for one insanely stupid thing, I intend on learning from it, being a better person, a better wife and hopefully one day a better mother.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

just some food for thought...
i told my ex-wife about my one mistake, granted it was a little more than a kiss, and she spent the next 14 years of our marriage seeking revenge with multiple men. you want to take that chance over a mistaken kiss if you have learned from it Aussie84?


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## deejov

Go to counselling, work on your self esteem issues, fix your need to get special attention from another man, and then you might have the skills to make sure it doesn't happen again. 

Since you can't remember much, are you sure that all you did was kiss? If you were in a public place, how do you know your husband doesn't already know about it? People talk.


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## aussie84

2nd_t!me iz_best - I have decided not to tell him. I know it's cowardly but like you said your wife spent 14 years trying to get some sort of revenge. I honestly don't think that my H is the kind of person that would do that but I don't want him to have that image in his head forever. He didn't deserve what I did and he certainly doesn't deserve to have that imprinted forever.

Deejov - I am 100% certain it was only a kiss because once I realised I got myself in a taxi back to my friend's place. I know I was stupid and drunk enough to kiss someone but I know that I would never have gone further. I can't guarantee that he will never find out and the fact that it was in public where someone could have seen is something I have been worried about. I guess I'm taking that risk.


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## tacoma

You don`t need counseling for a drunken inappropriate kiss.

Don`t do it again, let it go.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best

aussie84 said:


> I honestly don't think that my H is the kind of person that would do that


lol, i didnt think she was either.

good luck with this, hope you learned heaps from it.


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## tacoma

aussie84 said:


> Deejov - I am 100% certain it was only a kiss because once I realised I got myself in a taxi back to my friend's place.



I may have been premature.

Did you leave the club/party/function alone with this man?

Where were you that you needed to get a cab back to your friend?


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## aussie84

No, I didn't leave anywhere to be with this man. We were in a group of people. My friend and I had become separated earlier in the night. I had tried to call her but she wasn't answering her phone. After I realised I needed to get away from the situation and after more unanswered phone calls to her, I got myself in a cab and went back to her house.


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## sinnister

I may be in the minority but from the sounds of things this isn't a huge deal. Make it the last time getting drunk without your husband with you.

And don't tell him. If you had other stuff going on between the two of you I would say tell him. This just looks like a mistake.


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## speakingforsomemen

Just enjoy the moment, my goodness what a bunch of prudes.


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## tacoma

speakingforsomemen said:


> Just enjoy the moment, my goodness what a bunch of prudes.


While I do think it wasn`t THAT big of a deal and she should just drop it I don`t think she should be enjoying any more "moments" like that one.

I`m most definitely not a prude.


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## halfway

Famous quote from Ozzy Osbourne. "Alcohol is the worst drug there is"....

It brings out the worst in us all.


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## CASF

Dear Aussie,

Do not worry about it too much, it was just one meaningless kiss. It just happened to me, too.

Remember, it's only a kiss after all, there are much worst things you might have done.. 

It happened to me on Christmas Eve, after 7+ years being in a committed relationship I've slipped (very first time, haven't cheated on my Honey ever before) and had a wonderful kiss.. I will not confess to this, it bothered me the very next day, but again in the end it did not mean anything. It's important to see the "whole picture", usually when we kiss another person, there has to be a reason for our behavior, where everyone's reason is different.

I was left alone during Holidays and before my Honey took off we had quite a few fights, then he never called me during Christmas Eve, so I was extremely upset and felt lonely. I've attended a party with my best friends and there was one good looking man I've seen many times before. So we had a few drinks, and when everyone else felt asleep we continued to dance some slow dances, and a kiss just happened - without any provocation, it was pure and natural and for some reason at that moment I felt good about doing it. 

I know for sure that I can't confess to my Honey and would recommend for you to do the same. Maybe one day I will tell him a bit about it, or will deal with it when he will found out from someone else. 

Good Luck, wishing you All the Best!


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