# Reformed jerk.. long post



## AloneEastie (May 15, 2012)

I had low self esteem as a kid and never had friends. Was home schooled. No one ever liked me. A girl I liked once told me to become confident I had to just think "I'm the man" and be that. I took those words to heart and kind of lived my life by that. Lost track of what was right and wrong or human and wholesome.

I was raised religious but by nazi parents who pushed me off the deep end and I rebelled hardcore and became a terrible person influenced by my assh*le friends and by hip hop music. Dabbled in drugs and became a binge drinker. I got worse and worse for awhile. A new girl, who I knew from my 3 years of high school (my only social exposure) found me on myspace and started coming over alot, I felt she didn't know how to have fun and got her into drinking... she was with me pretty much since the moment I rebelled. (she was the first thing I did really "wrong" after I started drinking and smoking..sex before marriage)

So I have a beautiful wife. Who no longer wants to be my wife. She has a very dependent personality, a simple mind... and unfortunately when I was a punk young man I used to take advantage of that. We've been together 8 years, Since I was 19 and she was 17. Married only 8 months. She has always been very withdrawn and shy and it was always difficult to know exactly what she was feeling... but now I've learned how to draw her out and to really put myself in her shoes and feel what she's feeling... Unfortunately she no longer has interest in doing the same for me.

Textbook example of a terrible relationship. Mostly my fault. I was a total *******.. selfish without realizing it.. I didn't even like her at first, she was just a hookup that I felt bad for and took her in... I did a lot of terrible things. A lot of drunken nights leading to fights. Got her to try doing porn. Got her to indulge me in threesomes... Just awful. I'm disgusted with myself looking back.

She was often depressed and I tried to help by saying "just don't be sad! don't allow yourself to be! be happy!" In hindsight I obviously should've taken the time to sit down and listen and help her work through her sadness.. But I was a retarded ****y punk. She even wanted therapy but I discouraged it and said she needed to work through her own problems to succeed.

I was always a super determined, hard worker.. construction. Became the foreman within weeks almost every job I went to. Unfortunately the personality I developed to "be the boss" spilled over into my personal life and I didn't know how to make the separation or to show humility and understanding. 

She always tried super hard to make me happy.. Did everything for me. Tried to change to be good for me. I was an alcoholic and a jerk. I drank because I couldn't talk to her and I grew extremely frustrated and depressed. I loved her but didn't really understand what love meant. 

She had cheated on me a few times when we were in our partying phase and I never really let go of the resentment until very recently, this added to my depression, withdrawal emotionally, and hardened me and dulled my conscience to the extent I had several one night stands... it was like a drug.

We both had this fantasy in mind that one day our deep affection and love would blossom into a beautiful relationship. I don't know how we thought that would happen when we both had guilty consciences and never truly shared our feelings with each other.

Over the years I began to realize that since I didn't want to break up with her (we both tried a couple times each but ended up back together because I cried for her to come back)... I realized she deserved much better and started to shift focus from my friends to her. 


Even though I focused on her I still didn't know what the heck I was doing, didn't know how to really listen to her little clues to her feelings and to apply them to myself to change for her. I just thought I knew it all and I thought the path to happiness for us was to have adventure and build up wealth myself, and find her a job that she enjoyed regardless of pay (found her a job dog-walking) so she could feel happy and we could still enjoy the good things in life.

We discovered God together and I thought that we should no longer live together unmarried. So I gave her the option to move out or get married. She chose marriage and we went to city hall and tied the knot (I'm an idiot I shattered her dreams of a wedding)

Well I started a business with my friends (retarded, she kept saying why am I helping my friends out I should focus on us two... but I thought it was our only shot at "making it") Business went well until my knucklehead friends jumped the shark and screwed me. Mind you I had a DUI and so now without them around to drive I got caught driving without a license and got locked up for 30 days. 

That was actually one of the better things that ever happened to me. 30 days to reflect on what a douche I'd been and how much I truly truly loved her and wanted so much to give her a rich and rewarding life that she deserves. I read the entire Bible and started thinking about ways in which to modify myself to be beneficial for our relationship and our future.

So I get out and pretty much remove all the bad things from our life together. I planned on replacing them with good better things but unfortunately didn't really share these plans with her. I had written her a bunch of poems in jail but didn't show her... The walls we had built up were so strong and I had always portrayed this image of being a strong tough confident masculine hero and I didn't know how to show her weakness and compassion. I think the resentment from her past betrayals and the guilty conscience from my own held me back as well. 

She was faithful to me the whole time I was in jail and wrote me a beautiful letter about how we are a team and we'd get through this and she loved me and would be my wife forever. I love that letter. I wish I wasn't so foolish and I just poured my heart out to her right away.

So I'm out and I lose myself in research trying to figure things out about religion and God... Kinda went down the wrong path for awhile and focused on what things were bad and sinful and should be cut out... instead of the really important things.. the love, kindness, joy, compassion, loyalty, mildness, self control.... I became very quiet and lost my sense of self-worth and definitely lost my ****y attitude. She said that I treated her much better since we got married..... But without all the fun I used to provide through partying, gambling, blowing money, etc.. I think she just got bored. 

She tried to do the domesticated thing for awhile but we still didn't really connect.

I hadn't drank in a long time but one night I slipped up and she seemed extremely perturbed by it.. I was just buzzed and showed up a few hours late which in my head was still good compared to the old days when I'd get wasted and disappear all night.

But she's grown up now and doesn't want any crap.

I was deep in thought all the time. Finally one day I had an epiphany about focusing on the good things and building a better life that didn't deal with making money. 

Of course that was the same day she texts me that she's moving out. Come to find out she moved in with a guy that she works with.

She seemed kinda confused about whether she was doing the right thing or not.. She said she just wants to be happy. I tried reasoning with her and promising that we would be happy because I had rediscovered my true self that had been hidden all these years and if she just gave me the chance to show her I know I could be everything she always wanted me to be.. the good she saw in me would overtake and crush the evils that I have come to hate... blah blah blah

I kept asking if she would consider coming back and she would say stuff like "I think I'm too deep into this now... I don't know if you can ever really forgive me"

I get her to stay over one night, it was really nice, I made her dinner and I felt like I was THIS CLOSE to convincing her to come back. She was teeter-tottering on the edge. But I didn't say the things she was looking for and she decides she's definitely moving out. I end up confessing to her everything wrong I've ever done to her behind her back. This kinda seals the deal but at the same time with a clean conscience brings me one step closer to being able to establish a connection with her. 

My heart was shattered into 8 billion pieces and I went kind of crazy for awhile, I was trying really hard to apply the things I was learning from the Bible but man I was a trainwreck. I dumped endless emails and texts and phonecalls on her for a good couple weeks. Battered her over the head with Bible texts condemning divorce. I was trying really hard to reach something before she moved her stuff out, then before we did the divorce papers that she adamantly wants because she doesn't want to be living with a guy while she's married to someone else. She refused to consider reconciling but kept saying she didn't know how she felt.. It was like she was looking for me to say some certain thing.

Then I realized we still weren't connecting on an emotional level and I realized I had to fully forgive her for not only her past wrongs but also the current situation, and to fully see how it was my own actions that led us to this and pushed her away. At that point the floodgates opened emotionally and I became a poet.

Got past that stage and realized what it was she wanted to hear was an apology for all the crap I've ever put her through and some understanding as to why she felt the need to leave in the first place. I sent her a bunch of beautiful beautiful poems.. Kinda deluged her with them. Must've blown her mind that this stuff was coming out of me.. I never spoke to her like this before.. Bingo I hit the nail on the head but at this point she says it's kinda too late. She's deep into her new life and there's little hope of turning back. But she keeps dropping tiny hints that she's still curious what would've became of me and her and whether or not I could really come through on all this stuff I'm promising and dreaming.. She continually says she still loves me and still cares and that she wants to be very good friends.

It's been really hard to push my own feelings aside 100% but finally I've managed and so for the last several days we've actually been connecting ALOT (through text) (I got a new job with way less responsibility that is pretty stress free.. just labor.. so I can focus on her and us) I stopped pushing the issue of us getting back together. Just been focusing on listening to everything she has to say and on her cute little things she wants to talk about (that used to annoy me because they weren't "smart enough".. but now I really appreciate her for who she is) and developing a friendship with her. She was texting me til late at night last night. She's still with this guy though. She tells me how happy he makes her..The little things he does to treat her good.

Now she's starting to tell me all the things that she dislikes about him... and how she doesn't like his family, they're materialistic and push her to make more money (like I did at one time.. but my mindset has totally changed) I'm like "screw that" she says "i know"!. 

I can see that this relationship will be relatively short-lived. The guy doesn't seem like he's really that awesome, they're just in that infatuation stage..I could probably kill it now by letting the guy know she's been talking with me about his faults but I told my wife I'm her vault now and so that's not an option... I could destroy that relationship but it would also destroy mine and hers as well. I think the relationship will end in under a year.

I'm just afraid of entering the "friend zone". I don't want her to think that I'm moving on. (I told her once that if I couldn't have her I'll just be alone.. and that's the honest to god truth. I actually somewhat enjoy my solitude and being able to work on myself and on getting healthier and studying and meditating.. things you can only really do alone) We're beginning to develop this close friendship but I do NOT want her to move me internally into strictly the "friend zone" (I don't know if that's truly possible though cmon we've been together 8 years!? We loved each other so much even though we were young and retarded and didn't know what love really meant).

I like that she trusts me enough and feels connected to me more now to share her problems and thoughts with me. I just hate that often it's about this new guy and I gotta pretend like I'm ok with this... part of me is because I think she deserves the chance to explore other relationships... but I really dislike the situation.... I feel it's tarnishing her respect for marriage and I do not like portraying that I changed my mind about marriage being "til death do us part". I really want to put in the work no matter what it takes to salvage and rebuild.

She told me today that she's been putting music to my poems and that it makes my words sound so beautiful. That really warmed my heart. 

I found out her phone was broken and offered to replace it for her.. she was really excited about that. But not really super grateful.. She's become kind of selfish but I really don't hold it against her... I made her that way. She feels I owe it to her. I kinda do too. 

I've been feeling some amazing clarity and control and discipline lately. Removing myself from myself and I just want nothing more in the entire world than to have my beautiful wife back and to give her everything she wants and more!! I want our young dreams to come true and to live "happily ever after"

Interested in others take on my situation.


----------



## AloneEastie (May 15, 2012)

Anyone? I'm hurting bad...I love her so much!!!! I miss her love so much... I feel so empty without her.

I need some insights... 
I'm thinkin about giving her the phone and filling it with music she loves, music I love, beautiful music.. and a bunch of songs about wanting someone back... Good idea?

(She loooooves music)


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

the two of you are still married right? So she is having an affair.

It sounds like there might still be some hope for the two of you. You changed and she was not ready for that change. But now it's forcing change in her.

I suggest that you get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. 

It has some very good ideas on how to win someone back. Don't tell her that you are reading it and working what it tells you to do.

If she loves music, has she ever thought of going to school for it?


----------



## AloneEastie (May 15, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> the two of you are still married right? So she is having an affair.
> 
> It sounds like there might still be some hope for the two of you. You changed and she was not ready for that change. But now it's forcing change in her.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response!

Yes we're still married. Partially because I'm stalling on filling out the paperwork with her..

I will buy that book tomorrow. Any quick tips?

She doesn't feel like it's an affair.. She feels like she's cheating on him if she does anything with me. She said "it's just like a breakup". She's being kinda immature about it and isn't viewing it for what it is. There's no reasoning with her, she said she's tired of hearing my opinions on things.

She did want to go to school and pursue music...At one time I discouraged it as a pipe dream and encouraged her to try nursing or something more solid... regret that... but our financials are crappy right now.. can't afford school..we're in a ton of debt and and she doesn't want to pursue it because of what I mentioned about the stupid porn thing we tried.. she doesn't want to become known and that secret get exposed. That's one thing she hates about me. That I talked her into that. I hate it too.

What do you think about the songs in the phone idea? I'm trying to show her that I totally prioritize her but that I still have my own feelings too.

There's a lot of bad things for her to look back on.. She's blocking out the bond we had and the fun times we had and just focusing on the bad things... And never gave me a chance to display the change that was taking place internally... almost thinks it's just another bullcrap story since the timing of this was right when she left. 

Not too much bad happened since we married but not that much fun or enjoyment either... I was lost in my own head pondering how to break down our walls and I know that if I had acted quicker or vocalized these feelings she would've been so happy and would not have left.. (pretty sure)

Now she's starting to see that I'm better but she may believe it's because we're "just friends" now... Which is not how I feel or how I want it to be. I want to be her husband!


----------



## AloneEastie (May 15, 2012)

I know she's not finding what she expected to find with this new guy. I couldn't hold back tonight and I sent her a song (recorded myself singing it too) 


I'd kill to hear your voice and melody to this song...
All the advice is to play it cool and not push... 
I've never been that good at listening to advice.. 
I don't know exactly how your feeling... 
but I know you want true love... 
And if you don't think you've exactly found it..
I want it too... 
And for me, in my heart? 
Well it's only got one name and one face on it. 




Kxxxx, Kxxxx
I love you so, so deeply
So, so sorry 
for the pain and misery
Don't want what we had back..
don't want no repeat
Want something new, 
love blossoms freely

Take a chance with me, 
one more time
Give me one more chance, 
not two or three
One more chance, 
I'm beautiful inside
You're gorgeous inside & out,
love you so, so deeply

I'm so in love with you 
& everything you do
I'm sorry I didn't listen 
I tried to be cool
I'd give away the world 
for one more chance
I'd give the stars and moon 
for our song & dance

Want to write & play songs 
with you late into nights
Learn to love again, 
no tears no fights
Kindness, compassion, 
caring, enduring
love forever, love forever, 
for you baby I'm hurting

One more chance baby is all I need
Take my hand darling I'll set us free
We'll take everything we learned
Throw the past away to burn

A new love forever, always.. give it to me
I'm putting it all out there, screw dignity!
I'll give it back to you, times a hundred thousand
Please one chance, grab my hand, grab my hand, grab my hand

Take a chance with me, 
one more time
Give me one more chance, 
not two or three
One more chance, 
I'm beautiful inside
You're gorgeous inside & out,
love you so, so deeply

Please one chance, grab my hand, grab my hand, grab my hand
Please one chance, grab my hand, grab my hand, grab my hand


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Romance won't solve your problems. Communication and confronting them might. You should squash the affair (not harm the OM or you WW, just pop the bubble and let others know what they're up to) by exposing and do a 180. Either she is remorseful, or you choose to divorce her or separate.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AloneEastie said:


> I know she's not finding what she expected to find with this new guy. I couldn't hold back tonight and I sent her a song (recorded myself singing it too)
> 
> 
> I'd kill to hear your voice and melody to this song...
> ...


You firmly established yourself as her "Plan B" if things don't work between her and the new exciting PosOM.


----------

