# I think I discovered more stuff a year out...



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

It's been almost a year since WS told me of his drunken ONS on a business trip nine years ago. There's alot of doubts about everything still. Claims it was a BJ, claims he never did it again (despite an EA years later with a coworker and a positive HPV test)... Anyway, I know. I know. He's lying. 

He always told me he never saw that girl from the ONS ever again. Now a year later, I think I stumbled across something. I think this girl came back and worked with him and not only that, he had her on his myspace. The humiliation continues to get worse and worse. He denies it, but the evidence is pretty much there. She's since been fired, but I think she worked with him for about eight years. I don't think it was an ongoing thing, but still he saw her regularly and the humiliation of her knowing I was a fool is pretty intense. It's bad enough I have unresolved issues with his other coworker. 

I'm debating sending her a message on FB. I dunno... Thoughts? 

I'm going to a new counselor. Really like her, but I'm still in such incredible pain. WS keeps on like it's been a year since I found out, it's time to start moving forward, I've come clean... You need to start focusing on who I am now. I mean, he's just not gonna give me anything else. It's made me a bundle of nerves. 

Sooo much has happened, he got demoted at work cause of his depression. I'm still looking for a job, but am barely able to even move still myself. It all really sucks the life out of you.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Don't send her a message. It is your WH that is TT, blameshifting and just wanting you to "get over" at only a year out...

She has nothing to do with this at this point. Now you need to figure out if you are going to continue on in the marriage or maybe separate to sort out your feelings. But it doesn't sound like your WH is giving what it takes for a successful R...


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I think I'm done, I'm not so sure I will ever believe or trust him again. This has rewritten history, nine years of lies. Yes, everyone tells me he compartmentalized it. Still doesn't help make my memories come back to what I thought they were. My counselor and I talked about the poly again... It's still on my mind. I've applied to 80 jobs now, getting frustrated, more depressed. He's lost a huge chuck of his salary cause of this mess. Kids are in middle and high school... I just feel stuck, so unhappy. I don't want to pull them away, but if we divorce we'll have to move and stay with my folks. I can't see any other way financially. 

Counselor says what if he is actually telling the truth? At some point I need to accept I'm not gonna get it all, regardless if we divorce or not. I dunno, sticking around until the kids are off to college. Wow, that's a really long time. He already took my younger life away from me, years I could have had started over. 

If I try with him, he tries. We're even attempting to do the Love Dare, but to be honest, it's very hard to do as a BS. It's really, really hard to try anymore. Sex feels empty, I go thru the motions, cry after. The connection is gone. I mean, he ruined that specialness. It's been ruined for years and I didn't even know. He's actually been better with the house, kids, holding my hand, opening doors... But, if I'm upset he reacts and in not a very nice way. 

So tired. A year of pain, I wouldn't wish this even on his coworker! His work has turned me into the bad person, I'm a witch cause I can't forgive him. Geez, it was nine years ago, get over it. The tough thing is some of his coworkers knew and never told me. 

A year out and the pain just doesn't go away, uh?


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Hi

I have to say I can relate to so much of what you are going through. Just like your H, my H had a BJ from a colleague 3 years ago, but i found out one year ago last week.

My H didn't confess until he had absolutely no choice, how did you find out it happened?

My H has been very good in some respects, i have access to email on ipad which links into his office laptop, so i see as he receives and sends if i wish to check...i have access to FB account and blackberry and his laptop which is used for work. I still check these regular to help build my confidence.

The only thing that I can't bear is after we've had a few good weeks if something triggers me he does roll his eyes momentarily before he realises this is the wrong way to react. He is embarrassed and disgusted at himself and finds it very hard to discuss. But we still talk it over and he's given me every detail I've asked for. 

Helped me loads that I made contact with OW immediately I found out. (she left place of work just weeks after the BJ). I did tell her if she didn't give me 100% truth about what happened and where and how many times i would contact her fiance who she lives with and has 2 children with. I found him on FB before I made contact with her. I found him on FB by 192 her name to see who she lived with. I made her send a photo of herself to me. Not being horrible, but she is a dog!

When I first emailed her i pretended to be my H, wasn't sure the email would still be in use as 3 years since she sent my H an email offering a BJ, this was before my H admitted anything actually happened, he told me she was some weird stalker who worked in the office for a few weeks. I'd found this email purely by accident, it was in an old mail archive on his laptop, he didn't even know this archive existed and didn't know how i'd come across this info.

So bingo when she replied late on a Saturday night....i let her think I was my H until she referred to something happening between them both. Once she slipped up i sent a part of that message to my H, he sh!t himself, but still didn't confess to what really happened.

I told her i had access to my H email and phone and if she tried to contact him or he tried to contact her i would know and go straight to her fiance. My H did try to contact her the following morning when he was running round like a man with no head!

She wisely forwarded the message my H sent to her. Him basically warning her to keep her mouth shut as it was his wife (me) she was talking to. I'm glad she realised it was wiser to be honest with me and not him at this point. So before he attempted to email her he reluctantly confessed he had a BJ when very drunk after a works Christmas party in her car.
This is on Sunday morning.

By Monday morning i was way too ill for work and stayed home, my H had to go into work and travel some distance to a meeting....it was at this stage the OW had mailed me what really happened and i gave my H an ultimatum to either tell me the exact truth about what happened or he'd be out and we'd be over. So he told me she gave him a Bj right after work in our family car,(both say he never finished and it lasted minutes if that before he told her to get out of the car) that he'd met her a second evening right after work and again he couldn't or wouldn't do it and told her he was married and not to ask him again. 

Hardest thing for me to understand was why go a second night if the first night it wasn't working for him. He told me just a few days ago, the thought of it and the excitement but when she actually went to do it, he couldn't.

They both gave very similar account to what happened. But still, if i have questions i ask him and i make it clear to him that if he can't be bothered or its too uncomfortable for him to talk then he can leave. He has to do the work. We are becoming stronger than ever....but i still do have very bad days.

I also found out colleagues knew about what happened, and one of them is a member of his family, which screws me up big time. Its hard for me to imagine how his colleagues, so called friends, could know about this and even try to get him to meet this OW in a pub after work...fortunately my H never turned up and never spoke to OW ever again.

You need as much truth as you can get out of him / her whatever works for you, but if you are anything like me you will need the full truth before you can even think about moving forward and forgiving what he has done to you both.

I hope reading my story can help you in some small way.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Im so sorry, please do somthing healthy for yourself on a regular basis , and distance youself a bit from the situation. This all sounds so lame I know, but I want to wish you well.


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## Helios (Jul 7, 2011)

@hurtingbadly I know it hurts, being deceived and lied to is the worst part of it all. What made your H tell you about it in the first place? He shouldn't be getting acting the way he does when you express your hurt and sorrow that just goes to show that he isn't really remorseful.

You make it seem like there is really bad blood between you and his coworker that you think may be the OW, did something happen between the two of you? I wouldn't contact her just yet, she's more likely to lie to you as well to protect herself or she may contact people she used to work with and tell them you're crazy and start a bunch of rumors regardless of whether or not she is in fact the OW.

How do you know about what his coworkers think or say about you anyways?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

hurtingbadly, I am pretty much where you are. And if there is nothing to trust, it is impossible to move forward. If the only truth you get is from him being a cornered rat and it is 'speak or die' and you are only told enough to satisfy, where is the trust in that. That is not love. That is not a deep care for you, for your feelings. If there is hostility to talking, opening up, fixing, that is not love. That is not a deep care for you, for your feelings.

I know all this so well. 1 year and 4 months post DD and all the fight in me has gone. I am all efforted out. I have no more interest in trying to fix with a man who makes so much effort, except none in what really matters. And none in what really matters means there is no effort to change, to be different, to ensure it never happens again, to be a better man. The limbo has chipped away at me, at our relationship. I am cutting my losses now. Time to move on. I feel exactly the same as what you have written. I feel there is no hope.


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## Helios (Jul 7, 2011)

Remains said:


> hurtingbadly, I am pretty much where you are. And if there is nothing to trust, it is impossible to move forward. If the only truth you get is from him being a cornered rat and it is 'speak or die' and you are only told enough to satisfy, where is the trust in that. That is not love. That is not a deep care for you, for your feelings. If there is hostility to talking, opening up, fixing, that is not love. That is not a deep care for you, for your feelings.


Very well put! Some people can get past things and move on and learn to forgive and trust again but the sad part is that you shouldn't have to learn to forgive or trust again because you never should've been put in this position to begin with. You'll think about that a lot and it will eat you up inside. Plus you will never truly trust your DS again anyways, you will always wonder about the unknowns and even if you are told the truth you won't believe it, you'll think or even convince yourself that there is more to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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