# Do I have a good reason to separate/divorce?



## stayorleave (Feb 6, 2015)

Warning: this post is long ... 

I have been married nearly 10 years with 2 kids (5yr old and a 3 month old).

My husband and I had a kind of "arranged" marriage if you will. We were introduced by family with the intention that we will get married. I liked him enough to say yes. Also, I had quite a bit of pressure from my nagging, overbearing mom to get married. There were some indications before the wedding that there may be trouble. For instance, I have an extreme aversion to people chomping (i later found out it actually is a disorder that has a name). He was chomping once and I said oh my goodness I can't stand it and went away to another room. He followed me and said he didn't need *****es like me in his life. This was before the wedding. Also, there were instances where he would just repeat what his mother would say and fight with me. But I went ahead and married him anyway.

Since then it has been downhill. On the surface, he is a good provider and he is genuinely a good father. But with me, he is extremely hurtful. He says the meanest things which pierce my heart. A lot of it is undeserved. If he gets upset, he rants for upto an hour at a time. His ego and sense of superiority is terrible - i cannot converse with him about anything unless it's in his praise. He has been extremely rude to my parents. He has accused me of stupid things that I did not do (like breaking his relationships with friends, when in fact I'm in touch with his friends more than he is and make plans to get together). He puts words in my mouth and goes off on me. Eg - I planned a trip to Tennessee a few years ago so we could spend christmas with HIS favorite cousin. We stayed with them for 10 days. When we were there, one night he out of the blue accused me of ruining his relationship with her. No preamble, no fight, no issues.. just said "look you have ruined my relationship with her". Huh?!! I planned the trip, we went to TN and spent the christmas in their house... all so we could all be together. I had no idea where this accusation came from. Y'know what i'm saying? It's so illogical and flat out nonsense.. I don't know how to react. 

His mother is a hypocritic, double faced b(*&^. She says things to me when his back is turned. When I tell him, he either says she can never say such things or puts a positive spin on it. He blindly supports her, covers up her nonsense or denies stuff she has said to me in his absence (!!). When I was 8 months pregnant with my second child, my mother in law was visiting us. She would let my son sit in front of her iPad for hours. I told her about a hundred times over several months to be firm with him and not let him watch videos on it for more than half an hour. She would never comply (she has a desperate need to be liked, which means indulging my husband to the point where he believes he's above everyone else and giving my son anything he needs like chocolates and iPad without any boundaries). 

When I finally got fed up of her letting my son use her iPad for a long time and muttered to myself in the kitchen that she needs to be firm, my husband heard and flew into a rage, said it's not her fault and to shut up about them, that I am not saint, etc etc. He had a look of hatred on his face that I cannot put in words. I said i'm not saying anything wrong. I've tried working it out with her but she does not comply. I said I was fed up of always being treated this way and wish I could leave. He said by all means, do. If you want to leave, you can. I was 8 months pregnant for god's sake!

He keeps saying he wants to go back and live with his parents. He wants to bring them to live with us. It's always about them. He recently had a health scare. Not once did he show concern about what would happen to me or the kids without him. His only concern was how it would affect his parents. 

More than anything, I am fed up of his hurtful words. I've borne them for 10 years. 

Do I have a good enough reason to leave? It hasn't escalated to physical violence as such. At times, he acts like a clown and tries to butt his head into my stomach while we are fighting. I feel no love or affection towards him. I can barely stand him some days.

We have no common interests. He will not do anything I like with any enthusiasm. Anything I buy for the house is "ugly" but his crap has to be admired. If I ask him to put a book down and talk to me, he calls me and my parents "unintellectual" I earn as much as he does and have longer work hours. But i feel disrespected. I remember once working 36 straight hours, after which he asked me to take out the trash and the following day was trash day. 

Should I leave him? I feel no happiness, have no companionship, feel no love for him. I love my children to death and am capable of supporting them on my own. I feel scared about being alone though since I am an only child and live thousands of miles away from my parents. But is it worth throwing my life away for a man I can barely stand and who has hurt me so much (and still believes he has been more awesome than I deserve?). I do not believe I will find anyone else to spend my life with at this age, since I didn't have many options even 10 years ago when I was younger!

I just know that if his mother moves in with us, i'm pretty sure we won't make it. He wants me to take a loan on my name to remodel the house with an in law unit for his parents. Wtf????

My concern is the kids. I feel sad about having them grow up without a father who genuinely loves them. I wouldn't keep the kids away from him though. I would love for them to spend as much time with him as they want to. But of course, divorce is never that rosy is it? I don't want to psychologically scar my children. And keeping them happy would mean literally living the rest of my life regretting marrying this man. I haven't laughed or been joyful at home in ages. I miss my old self.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

To be honest, I would divorce for less. The only way I would stay in a marriage is if both people involved can live a fulfilling life with the other. I am not a martyr, so the experience of living i is something that I cherish.

If you plan on leaving, create a good exit strategy where you land on your feet. And another reason why I would leave as quickly as possible. The longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to leave later on. Eventually, you will get beaten down by the constant barrage.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*You have every right to leave him, with your grounds for the divorce being "irreconcilable differences."

Visit with a good family law attorney and they can explain how it should be handled. But I would greatly suspect that you might be in for a royal child custody battle!*


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## CarlaRose (Jul 6, 2014)

Why do you feel you have to have a reason to divorce him? 

And, as awful as he is to you, why do you need other people's opinion on whether you should divorce him?

The only thing that matters is you don't like being married to him.
The only thing that matters is he treats you badly.
The only thing that matters is how he makes you feel.
The only thing that matters is you are not happy.
The only thing that matters is you are, in fact, unhappy with him.
The only thing that matters is you don't like it.

So, nobody else's opinions matter, and you don't need a reason to leave and divorce someone. 

Maybe you are not in the US. Perhaps you live in a country that requires a reason. If so, then I don't think we could properly advise you because we don't know where you are or the laws that govern marriage and divorce.


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## stayorleave (Feb 6, 2015)

I do infact live in the US.
I need a good reason to leave him because there are two children involved. My 5 year old adores his father and I'm sure my infant daughter will too as she grows up because he is a good father.
I have to figure out if having my kids grow up in a broken home is a fair trade off for my happiness.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

One day your children will learn behaviors from you and your husband. They could see a miserable marriage as a norm. Children learn by emulation. It took therapy for me not to end up like either of my parents.

Including, one day your children will leave, and they will have their own lives to live. The best years of your life should be fulfilling. I suggest you go on birth control also, you do not want to be kept in this marriage for any more reasons. Children are only owed stability and good role models, after that, it is their own life to live. If the children are showed what healthy parents should be, they will adapt. What most kids cannot handle is the vitriol from divorcing parents, and the parents using the kids like weapons against another. Just try and remain amicable.

I lost my father at 15. I grew used to him gone. Prior to that, when I was around age 5 to 10, he was an abusive alcoholic towards my mother and us children. It was pretty terrible abuse also, some days I could not go to school for a few days at a time. I re-adjusted eventually and ended up fine. Hell, it took my mother sick and tired of us being used like punching bags to eventually find the strength to try and leave him. That made him hit rock botom and change. I wish she had the strength to leave way before that.


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## Catfish1986 (Oct 26, 2013)

First, Heal yourself. Take care of you and the Kids. You just came out of a Pregnancy. Have you spoken to your Doctor about your feelings. Maybe you could have Postpartum Depression? This would explain some of your feelings.

Second, start in secret to figure out the Legal side. Talk to an Attorney. Figure out in advance what you will need to do and how much money it will cost. 

Third, get your separate finances in order. Separate account with your own money. 

Finally, even though your family is thousands of miles away can you talk to them, Skype, etc? They could be a very valuable source of moral support for you now. Even email would work. Get that moving ASAP. You need all your support now. 

Get moving for YOU and YOUR KIDS.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you, I would file for a legal separation if your state allows it. Move apart, see if he will then recognize what he had in you and try to earn you back. And if he doesn't, then you know you made the right choice. You won't last another 10 years at this rate. Take care of yourself for your kids' sakes.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Whatever you do, don't borrow a lot of money in your name before you know what your next move is.


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