# I do not know how she feels anymore...



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hi everyone, i am a little depressed, i do not know what to think anymore. I do not want to give up on my marriage but i feel like it is over already. I am trying so hard to make things work but i do not see any results. I also see nothing from my wife which is killing me.
I had messed up really bad the week of memorial weekend. I had a drinking problem that i refused to get help for and kept promising i would stop. well, one sunday morning i ended up drinking a bottle of tequila which i never drink hard liquor usually only beer. She left with the kids and i was a mess, i went and started to see a psychologist, it has also been 24 days since i stopped drinking. My wife and kids came home a week after i messed up, since then i have came along pretty well. 
The thing is this, when she had left we texted each other, she would not talk to me on the phone. She had texted me that i had gone to far this time, that is one. Two i had came across an email her friend had sent her, we share an email account i was not snopping but the email said "I know the other night when we talked you had said you do not even love him, but me and you both know if that was true you would have left him a long time ago, he is a good guy but a good guy with bad habits. He just needs to get help, you need the man you loved and married back and not the drunk madman that he was." 
Okay after seeing that i thought well she may have told her friend she does not even love me cause she was angry at me, they had talked the same day we fought or the day after.
I did not confront her on the email, what i did though is asked her if she even loves me, she said yes. She also said, if i did not i would not have come back, i would have left you a long time ago if i did not love you. But to me she just repeated what her friend said. She did not say it in her own words she just used her friends words. So right now i do not know what to think......... i kinda feel she is with me cause its easier to keep me then to leave me like the old saying goes. She did tell me even if we were not together i can still have a relationship with the girls and her parents would support her and mine said the same to me as well.
I had first texted her cause i was mad saying i was quiting my job good luck with everything. She replied saying i had better not cause if i do quit my job they were never coming home. So i kinda feel she is just there, i mean we hardly talk, she gives no affection, care, concern, anything. I know i messed up but man when is she gonna open back up to me????
Once in a while i will get crabby, i told her that this was because i am not drinking and my body is not used to it yet, i had been drinking for the last 8 years. I told her it was not her but me dealing with alcoholism, i told her she should look it up on google to see what i am going through or how she could help me as well. She has not done this nor has she ever had an addiction so she knows nothing what i go through now. Not to mention alot of emotions i have not had in years have been coming to me and i have felt insecure alot lately. Though it feels as if she is not with me, do you know what i mean? I feel i am living with a friend, I feel she has been done with me for a while now.
I am the one that says i love you unless i did she would not say it, i am the one who hugs cause if i did not give a hug first she wouldnt, the same for kisses. I know it will take time, i know i cause alot of damage over the years and am grateful she held it out for me, i just want to fix everything. I want to make up for the bad i caused over all these years but i feel like i am not being given the chance.... 
I saw a movie last night and in it there was a saying that goes, The one who cares less in the relationship is the one who controls the relationship. Maybe i should act like i do not care and see if she comes back?
When i try to talk to her about us she gets all mad at me and does not want to talk. I tell her that communication is key to any relationship, but right now i feel we do not have that. Though finally we did talk for a bit i felt alot better cause it seemed she loves me but i still feel she is not wanting to tell me she doesnt or she has stopped caring along time ago.... I ask her will we be able to work this out, she says i hope so. I get no positive feedback lol.
I want to take her out but i get shot down. I asked her last weekend for us to go out my dad would watch the girls, well we did not go out. I asked her about this weekend and she says well saturday night i am going to a b-day party i said what time we going and she just did not say anymore, though the last b-day party i was able to go and its the same people. Though that last one was the night before we had the big fight but still i do not want to drink i just want to go out with her. I know also her other friend which i do not care for texted her saying you need to come out with me to the city very soon. though no mention of me and i am waiting for her to spring this one on me cause i am gonna respond with oh okay well me and my buddy are going to the strip club. 
I just feel she is waiting for me to see it is not going to work out and that she is waiting for me to end it so she may not feel any guilt or what not.... God why do i think like this, I love her but i feel she has given up. can anyone just give advice? i really do not feel like being kicked to the ground or hearing any negativity right now... thanks


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Threatening to quit your job or go to the strip club won't help your situation any and certainly isn't 'making up for the bad you caused over the years' 

I know things are not the way you want them right now, but my advice would be to back off on trying to 'fix' the marriage right now. Quitting drinking is enough on your plate and I would recommend getting some support for yourself while going through that. Once you are feeling better about yourself, you will be better equipped to tackle the marriage.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

maybe your right... i just wish she would be alittle more caring or show some support, just sitting around watching tv and being on the laptop does not show much to me. It would be different if i would get a good morning, goodnight, how was your day, type deal but nothing. What i guess i am trying to say is her actions do not show what she says in her words... She says she is giving me one last chance and not to F it up, i said fine. 

Someone had told me to ask her to go to marriage councelling, they said if she says no then its over but if she says yes then there is a chance to work it out. She said yes but we have not talked about it since and that was like 4 weeks ago. I know to fix myself first but i cannot wait to see what she says when i ask agian that should be good. I hope that day she doesnt stub her toe on anything cause she will use that as an excuse not to go lol

I want to send her a nice e-card to her that is animated with music and what not but i am tired of trying and getting nothing in return. 

I think i need anti-depressents!!!!


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

So you asked her to go to counseling and she said yes and now you are waiting for what exactly? Set up an appointment. You're the one earning your way back, remember? You did the damage and you have to fix it. Take responsibility and stop being such a baby. 

And this nonsense about sniping back at her with a strip club comment, that's just more of the same old you that she's put up with for years. So get ahold of yourself and behave like a grownup and not a vindictive jerk.

I think I told you on your other thread that you probably have an underlying problem so your thought about antidepressants may not be totally off the mark. Get yourself into a psychiatrist and have a look at where you are and figure out how to get better.

Stop making this about what she's willing to do or not do. Take responsibility for making your life into what you want it to be. 

Addicts are great at making it someone else's fault and you're busy doing that right now. I'll keep slapping you around if you don't start taking responsibility!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tony8404 said:


> I want to send her a nice e-card to her that is animated with music and what not but i am tired of trying and getting nothing in return.
> 
> I think i need anti-depressents!!!!


This is why I suggested getting some support for yourself. You have your own healing to do first, before expecting anything from your wife/your marriage.

Re: the e-card, great idea but you will really know that your marriage is headed in the right direction when you can do these things without expecting anything in return. That's when you will know you really love your wife and want her to be happy...without expectation of getting something for yourself in return.

and yeah, what dobo said


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

She wanted me to get the help i needed first, then we will both go to the marriage councelling.

I know what you guys are saying and i know what i have done for a long time was not right either but my point is that i was not myself. I was a totally different person when i was drinking, now that i am sober i see the damage i have caused and it sucks. I feel as if i was frozen and someone else was behind the wheel. 

I now feel my old self is coming back, i was also told that alot of emotions will be coming out due to not drinking anymore. I have noticed that more so over the last few days then anything. 

It sucks finally to be sober and everything is a wreck due to me but yet i feel like nothing ever happened, almost like waking up from a bad dream but everything is still messed up and not knowing why things are not like they were but need to be fixed, yet you feel they do not need to be fixed cause your sober but still they need to be fixed... i more so needed to vent and talk with someone or get this off my chest more then anything i feel better now that you guys have talked with me. I guess i need that slap in the face on a daily basis for the time being lol


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Tony, I know it is hard. You're learning how to live again. But you have to remember that it wasn't a bad dream -- it was reality. And you have to own what you did as a drunk. You did it. it wasn't someone else. That's a sad fact and one that you'll have to get your head around. It'll take time.

You'll feel better as you do more of the hard work necessary. You'll gain a sense of accomplishment and your self-esteem will increase. 

Keep talking, we'll keep slappin'. ;-)

Do you go to meetings? Are you in some kind of program? Where I live there is this great intensive outpatient program that meets like 4 nights/week with lots of talking but also, lots of lectures about how to get your life back on track.

Question : Do you know how to have fun w/o drinking? That's an area to work on straight away. And when you begin to live again, you can invite her along to have fun with you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Get your head out of your a$$ dude. You messed up for YEARS! You have absolutely no right to expect ANYONE to give you one inch of support. You do this yourself and you kiss the a$$ of anyone willing to even consider coming back to you WHEN YOU HAVE PROVEN THAT YOU ARE REALLY CHANGING. And guess what? SHE gets to decide when you have proven enough for HER to take a risk again on you.

You sound really pathetic, frankly. "I messed up but it's, like, her fault that she doesn't . . ." blah, blah, blah. Ugh. You have a very long way to go if you do not see how this is entirely your doing and only YOU can fix it!


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Well, sisters there is alot more to this story then just what i put so far. Yes, i know i did this and the drinking and what not believe me i do not need it to be rubbed in it anymore then it has been. 

I used to have a lot of friends but once i got married that was it one by one contact was lost and will not be revived either. We bought our first house far away from anyone we knew but that was what we could afford at the time. 

So with being far away and working and having our first child i was not able to see my friends. not to mention alot of them needed to grow up as well. But when they did want to come around or me to come out she would interfer.

So even though i sound pathetic to you, i really do not have anyone to talk with. I have talked recently with 4 friends i have not talked with in years, well lets say they were not much help. Only one of them came by my house while she was gone cause he was worried about me, i think it may be the firefighter in him but at least i know i have one friend left but since he works crazy i do not get to talk to him as much as i would like.

I am seeing a psychologist that specializes in alcoholism and narcotics along with being a pyschologist. It is working well and i learn alot. I was told i have anti-personality disorder not to mention stress related alcoholism. I will go to AA once i am done with him for support. 

I do know how to have fun without drinking, but she doesnt want to do anything.... 

Sisters, before i forget this is one part of the story that needs to be known.. 5 years ago she cheated on me and it tore me apart, that is when i really started to drink like a 6-12 pack of beer a night for the next 5 plus years. We had gotten into a fight and she left me, while she was visiting one night with my daughter i found out she cheated cause she had all this crap in her trunk like letters, lingerie, pictures ect.. ect.. and of course the first note i read says "we need to stop beating around the bush, you need to leave him, i want to adopt his daugher. i had no clue she was cheating.... 

She got really upset saying i didnt want you to find out, i dont want him anymore. She got him to join the service. well, back in july after 5 years this guy pops up one night at my new house and left a note in our car door. Saying its me email me asap. He tracked her down, she was not looking for him. 

He also has a kid now and supposively a wife or girlfriend. Well, i got ticked off and of course he sent her an email too he found her on yahoo. She wrote back stating to leave her alone, not to come around, me and her are happy now we had another child together and i dont want problems with my husband have a nice life. Not to mention he left his work number and i called and left a nice message for him. 

So far he has not come back around. But when this happened 5 years ago she would not explain herself or anything. all she told me was to get over it and deal with it.......... LOL 

sounds like a very caring person no? never even got an apology... I did nothing for her to cheat i did not drink much back then. When i drank back then it was mainly on a friday that was it... I do not care why she did cheat now but she did and i know it would be for a stupid reason as well. she met this guy while finishing her last year at a college.


So after that happened we had a planned trip to mexico the week after thhis guy came back around in july. We still went on our trip just me and her to rekindle. it worked it was great, it was like we started to date all over again. but then we got home and the second week after i started to have insecurity issues which started me to drink more and bam all blew up and now i know it is still early in my recovery but maybe now you can see sometimes i just need to talk with people to clear my head, i am still beginng the recovery and i do not want to be up her A## and push her away more so i talk on her with you guys.... Sorry i sound pathetic but at least i am trying and not giving up, as a matter of fact i want to do more but little things hold me back cause i tend to dwell... 

it is very easy to pick a bottle up!! 

The devil himself can be pulled out of me... One bottle at a time... As i have put him in me one bottle at a time...


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

DOBO, i am trying to keep busy now. My psych told me this would be a big help for me. So i started to fix up the house on things i never did cause of laziness and drinking. She wanted so many things done to the house. So one day i sat down wrote a 2 page list front and back. Right now i am remodelling the second bathroom should be done this weekend. I am also learning to cook since she doesnt and i am tired of the girls eating microwave food and canned food. I am also trying to learn the guitar. I have a strong mind i know i am not going to drink again, my psych has given me a few models to follow and there great. i know with these tools i will never drink again as a matter of fact i am too scared to drink cause i finally seen what i will lose cause they did leave and it scared me not only more then i have ever been scared but enough to know i do not want that. 

I am trying not to do to much talking with her cause thats just words i want my actions to tell the truth. i even show her the reciepts everytime i go to the store to show her i am being honest and not lying or hiding anything from her. Thanks for letting me talk with you guys cause its what helps. i feel totally fine right now lol


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Actions are great. But some women need words, too. So don't do one at the total expense of the other. 

It'd be good if you tried to make some non-drinking friends in real life. But we're here in the mean time.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good for you for getting help and taking action.

I would suggest AA for support. Many groups everywhere. 

Also...don't expect her to come running back. She's taken alot of grief from you over the YEARS! Be prepared to do THAT much work. Be patient and SHOW her. Be kind and TELL her.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Tony,

I liked your last post. It really sounds as though you are headed in the right direction, getting things done, moving forward. Bathroom remodel? Learning to cook? Awesome 

Please be patient with your marriage issues at this point. I agree with your wife in getting help for yourself before marriage counseling. At that point, you will probably need to deal with her affair and many other things...they will be difficult discusssions and you do not need that stress right now.

Think of it this way...when you are feeling 100% good with your progress with yourself, you will be in a better position to assess your marriage, where things went wrong, and most importantly what your own needs are. I think you will both have work to do on that front, but you will be in a much better position to tackle it at that time.


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