# deployed with a dead marriage.



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Ok. So, I married my wife in March. Love her to DEATH. We were each other's world, up until about 2 weeks ago. I deployed in April. She seemed to be handling it well; we spoke daily and for a few hours and were SO reluctant to get off the phone. 2 weeks ago, all contact virtually stopped. I have spoken to her for a total of 30 minutes in the past two weeks. She doesn't answer my calls. I know she's alive, I know she's working, carrying out her daily life. I know her phone works. Hell, I pay the bill. But, she's not speaking to me. I haven't done anything to bring this on...there are no other women, and I treat her like the queen that she is. But I'm not an idiot....how do you not find time for your spouse? Just a quick call, once a day? The only thing that I can think of is that she's cheating on me. And I won't tolerate that. My wife is a gorgeous woman, and certainly capable of cheating on me pretty easily. Honestly, the thought hasn't even entered my mind until now. I had total trust in her....but 2 weeks of virtual silence have pretty much broken my trust. I'm considering a divorce....I can't even talk to her about it because she won't answer the phone! Has anybody else had to deal with an issue like this? Did it always end up that she/he was cheating? I've only been married for 4 months, so all advice and criticism is more than welcome.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Maybe she's cheating, but if she were, wouldn't she be taking pains to act normal and assure you that everything is just fine?

I think you did something that really pissed her off, bigtime. And she's pretty sure that you know what it is, and you are being punished. She is being immature, no doubt, but what did you do?

Considering divorce after 4 months is very premature at this point. You don't even know what's going on. Call your local FRG, or a friend or someone to check on her.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

But the thing is, I haven't done a thing. There has literally not even been a facebook comment, a message, or anything to another woman. I don't fight with her....I'm deployed, so what's there to fight about? I really don't see how she could possibly be pissed off at me


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Trust me, she's pissed.

But the silent treatment is really unacceptable, no matter the reason. Is there a friend, a pastor, a neighbor, someone who can go have a come to Jesus talk with her?


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't for one minute think you did anything to cause this. There has been a rash of posters thinking that if a spouse is cheated on it must be their own fault. 

You are absolutely right to believe there is something terribly wrong with the way see is treating you. 

Send her an email with your concerns as to why she cut contact and ask for an answer. Let her know that if your not satisfied, she is risking the marriage. 

Check you phone bills on line, look for call or text numbers you don't know. Have family or friend check in on her. Do not tell her you are checking on her. 

Thanks for your service.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Don't for one minute think you did anything to cause this. There has been a rash of posters thinking that if a spouse is cheated on it must be their own fault.


That is not at all what I said, Anchor, and I agree, the treatment is unacceptable.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

there really are no family or friends, seeing as how we just moved and everything. the only thing that I have to go off of is her word. But, checking for numbers on the bill is a thing I haven't considered....


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Heck, send me her number, I'll call her and chew her out!

You are risking your life every day and she won't send you a damn email? NOT GOOD.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I think you did something that really pissed her off, bigtime. And she's pretty sure that you know what it is, and you are being punished.


Lamaga, I ask you to start rereading your post be for you hit submit. Your usually right on with your calls. But lately I'm getting the vibe that you advice to OPs with a life crises is to tell them right off they are either being trivial or it's just their fault. I hope I'm wrong.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Well, she finally answered my call today. She got fired, wrecked her car, and when I told her that my leave got rescinded, she just said "that sucks." We talked for maybe 2 minutes, then it was "I'm at a friends house. Gotta go." And that was it.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Ugh. I'm so sorry, TheB.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Ok, ok, let me be so bold as to say that there are extra things involved with deployments that are unfathomable for many folks who have not been there.

The most common feeling that happens with women in my experience in these situations is that they feel abandoned. They get p!ssed at the guy they love for leaving them behind.

I know this can seem irrational to many as they should know better. But actually living this is very different from just thinking about it. Military wives are under intense emotional pressures.

Trust me when I tell you that I have seen this scenario countless times. I had a number of young guys come to me when we were deployed for advice. They shared their situations and even the mail. It does nothing but tear your heart out.

So Jody might be their to comfort her. Maybe not. But there are any number of bad paths to follow here. Being a faithful strong military wife is not an easy thing to be. I have seen people put in this situation who were some really together people. This stuff can change you.

I don't know what your deployment is. I don't know if you are truly in harms way. 

Who are her friends? Where does her support come from? How long have you known her? What does she do for a living?

I can tell other that when you you are deployed you live for any contact from those you hold dear. It gets you through the day ... the next hour. Time is so many days and a wake up.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Two devastating events and only discussed in 2 minutes? Wrong! 
Wrecked car, lost job? Is she a party girl?
Did she say when she'd call you back, to talk? 
Who's house?

Sounds like your being played. Let her know you won't stand for it and the if your not satisfied the marriage is at risk.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lamaga said:


> *Trust me, she's pissed.*
> 
> But the silent treatment is really unacceptable, no matter the reason. Is there a friend, a pastor, a neighbor, someone who can go have a come to Jesus talk with her?


Yes. This is correct. Rational or not.

This is good input as you need a 3rd party here to intercede. That said do not have that 3rd party be a male friend. Trust me on this. It is not about intentions. He will become your surrogate emotionally and that is unfair to both of them ... oh and you too.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> there really are no family or friends, seeing as how we just moved and everything. the only thing that I have to go off of is her word. But, checking for numbers on the bill is a thing I haven't considered....


A military wife especially needs a support network.

So from this we can deduce she has either shut down in a severe depression or has found support that is not friendly to the marriage.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Entropy, I wasn't in the military but I spent 9 years working at Fort Hood -- isn't there a family support group assigned to every deployed unit? Regardless of whether she is active in that group, can't someone go call on her? I think a stern talking-to by an older wife is completely appropriate at this point.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> Well, she finally answered my call today. She got fired, wrecked her car, and when I told her that my leave got rescinded, she just said "that sucks." We talked for maybe 2 minutes, then it was *"I'm at a friends house. Gotta go."* And that was it.


Fired. Not good of course. Wrecked car ... oh boy. Hope she is ok. Leave rescinded that does suck.

But the worst is the bolded.

Who is the friend?

She is likely staying at someones house. She has no transportation. No job. So she is now beholden to some unknown person. If it is a guy you are in big trouble.

Why would this call be only two minutes? You should have discussed if she was ok. Where the car is and when it will be repaired. Maybe discuss why she got fired but that is less important. But for sure who she is with, where she is staying and what she is going to do.

This is actually a classic situation of where a spouse feels abandoned. She is falling apart. Not trying to upset you but when this happens it is crisis time for them. Forget about boundaries. Forget about logic. Too often it becomes any port in a storm.

I am sorry dude. Even if she does not end up with some other guy this is just a horrible thing to go through. I am a protector type and this would be very tough for me because I would want to fix it. When deployed there is not much you can do.

So ok ... you must contact her. I know you know this. You need a very long talk with her. I can see she is avoiding this.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Entropy, I wasn't in the military but I spent 9 years working at Fort Hood -- isn't there a family support group assigned to every deployed unit? Regardless of whether she is active in that group, can't someone go call on her? I think a stern talking-to by an older wife is completely appropriate at this point.


You are right. He should go to a counselor / chaplin in his outfit and seek advice. They can guide him.

Yes, I could tell you had an understanding of this.

Ideally before one deploys there is time to setup some kind of support network. It has to be the right people of course.

Basically she jumped off the deep end here. She needs help.

I can say that I have a very deep compassion for both these people.

It takes a special kind of woman to handle this. Even then she has to be ready for it and have the right support. Anyone can be overloaded under the right conditions. Maybe you can reach her.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Me, too. The good news is that it's only been two weeks, so whatever it is, is likely fixable.

Wishing you all the best, TheB.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Lol...Update. The wreck? It was a hit and run. She hasn't been to the house in 2 weeks. Her phone? 5 numbers that she's called alot. I called them. They're all dudes. Operation Imminent Divorce is in WARNO stage.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> Lol...Update. The wreck? It was a hit and run. She hasn't been to the house in 2 weeks. Her phone? 5 numbers that she's called alot. I called them. They're all dudes. Operation Imminent Divorce is in WARNO stage.


Sorry to hear. Guess she didn't fell the same way about you. At least you found out quickly. Thank God you weren't married too long. Get some counseling for yourself.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Counseling??? What's that for?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> Lol...Update. The wreck? It was a hit and run. She hasn't been to the house in 2 weeks. Her phone? 5 numbers that she's called alot. I called them. They're all dudes. Operation Imminent Divorce is in WARNO stage.


WOW. Damn.

Im sorry my friend. You know what to do, good luck and stay safe. Thank you for your service.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> Counseling??? What's that for?


The end of a marriage can be like a death in the family. It's a very stressful thing for someone to go through. Counseling can help with that. It may also give you some insight on what you might be able to improve on for next time. Her cheating is NOT your fault, but there may be things that you can learn from this relationship.

C


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> Counseling??? What's that for?


For you. If you need to talk it out with someone.

And if your humorous about it, I'm glad to hear your in a good mood. 
Good for you!


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

@PBear & Anchor: I mean no offense, at ALL, and I hope it doesn't come off that way....But I've been shot at, walked around IED's that didn't explode....A woman that I give everything to that doesn't want it, that's ok. Some woman will want it one day. Just have to take appropriate action. Kinda like the military....we give all to a country where alot of people don't want it...and that's ok. Because someone does appreciate it. I do appreciate you guys' comments and help. I thank you very much for your insight and your time.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good attitude! You've got it right. It's a shame but that's the way people are. You should never have to worry about what's happening back home. You've got more there to be concerned with. 

Now make sure you and your boys get home safe. 

Thanks.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TheBetheas2012 said:


> @PBear & Anchor: I mean no offense, at ALL, and I hope it doesn't come off that way....But I've been shot at, walked around IED's that didn't explode....A woman that I give everything to that doesn't want it, that's ok. Some woman will want it one day. Just have to take appropriate action. Kinda like the military....we give all to a country where alot of people don't want it...and that's ok. Because someone does appreciate it. I do appreciate you guys' comments and help. I thank you very much for your insight and your time.


More power to you. But if the emotional side gets to be too much, there's no shame in looking for someone to talk to. Heck, if one of your buddies in combat that you've been with for the last 10 years gets killed, you may want to talk to someone about that, no? This is the same idea. If you're NOT affected by this emotionally, you may want to consider why not, and what impact that might have had on your relationship...

C


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Oh, I'll admit. It sucks, and I hate it. I really do love this woman. But, I talked to her tonight, and we're both mutually in agreement that we need a divorce. We MAY try and date when I get home, but she acknowledged she had alot of stuff in her life that needs straightening out before that could happen. She's really just not cut out for a relationship with someone that can't be with her every day. And that's ok....alot of people can't deal with that. It's alright. I'll be ok....I did take your advice and talk to my chaplain and my Platoon Leader (Lieutenant) today. It did feel good to talk about it, and I must admit, feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, TheB, I was away for a few days, just seeing this. So sorry. But yes, best that it ended soon.

And don't scoff at counseling -- that's the military in you coming out, but that's the same military that has experienced record rates of suicide in the last decade. You've been through a serious loss. You don't have to tell your buddies, you can bluster through it with all your friends, you don't have to tell anybody, but it wouldn't hurt to see a counselor on the QT. 

Wishing you well, and thank you for all you do.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Forget about dating, she isn't fit for ANY kind of relationship period. One guy I get it but 5 guys(maybe friend of friends/3somes) is not your usual run of the mill cheater. Count yourself extremely lucky to discover these early in the marriage, without kids.

Keep her happy till the divorce is over then go dark on her.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

keko said:


> Forget about dating, she isn't fit for ANY kind of relationship period. One guy I get it but 5 guys(maybe friend of friends/3somes) is not your usual run of the mill cheater. Count yourself extremely lucky to discover these early in the marriage, without kids.
> 
> Keep her happy till the divorce is over then go dark on her.


Boy, Keko you realty know how to send it to a guy's head. Not like he's hasn't got enough to think about, over there.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Boy, Keko you realty know how to send it to a guy's head. Not like he's hasn't got enough to think about, over there.


That's just my nature.

I've seen way too many guys forgive a serial/mentally ill cheater only to be fooled once again.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

That's what I'm saying though....In order for us to date, there would have to be some extreme changes...And she acknowledged this on the phone last night. I confronted her on the drugs and the dudes, and she admitted to everything, except that there were no guys (sleeping with anyway). Matter of fact, I called the one number, and uh, turns out he was a counselor.....go figure that one lol all the others, she said were for drugs. She'd been trafficking, not just using, so she had to make alot of calls. She's never lied to me, I'll give her that. She'll not tell you about stuff, but if you straight up ask her, she'll tell you what's going on


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you know what they say -- don't get high on your own supply, so maybe she isn't using.

Still, she's risking big time legal troubles that could be tied to you and damage your career. Tread very lightly, my friend.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Yeah, that's another reason that I didn't let on to her about....I've got a security clearance, and if your spouse gets arrested for certain things (including all drug related crime), my clearance gets revoked


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

That's my big concern right now, TheB -- I think you should see a lawyer and see what you can do TODAY to protect yourself -- maybe even filing would give you some measure of deniability? I don't know, but you don't want to lose that clearance -- not just your military career, but your ability to get certain jobs in the private sector once you separate.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

I'm not too worried about pvt sector....and i'm not re-enlisting. I'm a raft guide on the Chattooga river on the civilian side. But, I've been talking to our JAG daily, and I file on Saturday. He's VERY well aware of the situation


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Excellent. Many here are keeping you in our hearts, please know that.


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

thank you. it doesn't go un-noticed


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

Thanks man. what MOS/branch? If you don't mind me asking


----------



## TheBetheas2012 (Jun 16, 2012)

That's awesome. Thank you for your service. Takes a special breed to be in for that long. I'm Army Infantry, and love it, but I've got a pretty rare skill set on civillian side that I can't do while enlisted. I'm a rafting/backpacking/rock climbing guide, and I love that more than the Infantry. So, I'll be separating when my contract's up.


----------

