# Am I the asshole?



## Grayfoxman (Jun 8, 2021)

Ive been married for 12 years. Have a step daughter and 2 of our own. Ive cared for my step daughter and treated her as my own. Loving her, caring for her, holding her accountable for things like grades, chores etc. Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude. Which would cause us to clash sometimes and i would yell. Now she ran off to her real dads and my wife blames me for her losing her daughter and wants a divorce. Theres a couple other factors like me being insecure sometimes too but for the most part i am a great husband and father. Never cheated, dont mistreat my kids , work a full time job, dont have an alcohol or drug problem etc etc. So am i the asshole here?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Grayfoxman said:


> *Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude*


No enough info as to if you're the asshole, but this statement jumps at me. You have not specified if her father has been there for her or not, or if you've been the father in her life.

being a stepparent is an ungrateful job were dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. If the father has been on her life then, you "lecturing her" shouldn't nor is your job. That's for her parents to do. If on the other hand the father has not been a part of her upbringing and you've been her parent, then the problem is a mixture of your most likely heavy-handed "lecturing" and she developing resentment and your wife's probably not being clear with you as to your roll in the child's discipline; which had caused her enough resentment to run to her father. If none of this applies, then she's being a spoiled brat that ran to daddy because she probably thinks that with him she'll be able to do as she wishes. Which one of these situation is only you can tell, since not enough info was given.


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## Grayfoxman (Jun 8, 2021)

Her real father has not been there for her. Missed birthdays holidays not even buying her anything. He has a kid with another woman and tried to kill himself in a hotel while his son was present. Own tens of thousands in child support. Sorry should have mentioned that


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## Grayfoxman (Jun 8, 2021)

Also he is an alcoholic


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Grayfoxman said:


> Also he is an alcoholic


Then, still you may or may not be the asshole, since you did not explain what "*Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude"* means. It seems that there's some literal truth to that statement that might have made her resentful, regardless of the father involvement. Based on your description of him he's definitely an asshole and the child will get a shot of reality soon enough. the jury's still out on you, though. 

If you are right and you are not the asshole and your wife insist on a divorce, then by all means give it to her, because she is demonstrating that she does not have your back, and you can not rely on her. Do not beg, do not do the "pick me dance". Show her that you mean business. This applies if you"re not the asshole; otherwise, your wife might be correctly pissed and resentful of you also.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Being a step parent means you have 100% responsibility and 0% authority. As said above you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. Your wife is using this as an excuse.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Grayfoxman said:


> Ive been married for 12 years. Have a step daughter and 2 of our own. Ive cared for my step daughter and treated her as my own. Loving her, caring for her, holding her accountable for things like grades, chores etc. Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude. Which would cause us to clash sometimes and i would yell. Now she ran off to her real dads and my wife blames me for her losing her daughter and wants a divorce. Theres a couple other factors like me being insecure sometimes too but for the most part i am a great husband and father. Never cheated, dont mistreat my kids , work a full time job, dont have an alcohol or drug problem etc etc. So am i the asshole here?


You’re not the A-hole but you put yourself in an unwinnable position.

As Mom’s husband, you are expected to take on all of the responsibilities of care and support of mom’s kids but you have none of the authority or credibility of a biological father.

...and as you have found out firsthand, you will be blamed for any problems with the step child. 

You lost this battle when you married a single mother.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Grayfoxman said:


> Theres a couple other factors like me being insecure sometimes too.


It sounds like your insecurity may be a factor in this situation. Could you clarify what you mean by "being insecure"?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Too much info withheld to decide. Your wife wants to divorce you. Never let that be a threat. Grant her wishes.

your stepdaughter could be looking for the easier path to follow. Again, more info needed.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Grayfoxman said:


> Ive been married for 12 years. Have a step daughter and 2 of our own. Ive cared for my step daughter and treated her as my own. Loving her, caring for her, holding her accountable for things like grades, chores etc. Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude. Which would cause us to clash sometimes and i would yell. Now she ran off to her real dads and my wife blames me for her losing her daughter and wants a divorce. Theres a couple other factors like me being insecure sometimes too but for the most part i am a great husband and father. Never cheated, dont mistreat my kids , work a full time job, dont have an alcohol or drug problem etc etc. So am i the asshole here?


Unfortunately, this is too subjective to make a call.

Try counseling with your wife.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Grayfoxman said:


> Ive been married for 12 years. Have a step daughter and 2 of our own. Ive cared for my step daughter and treated her as my own. Loving her, caring for her, holding her accountable for things like grades, chores etc. Well over the years of lecturing her she developed and attitude. Which would cause us to clash sometimes and i would yell. Now she ran off to her real dads and my wife blames me for her losing her daughter and wants a divorce. Theres a couple other factors like me being insecure sometimes too but for the most part i am a great husband and father. Never cheated, dont mistreat my kids , work a full time job, dont have an alcohol or drug problem etc etc. So am i the asshole here?


What was her mother's position whenever you lectured your stepdaughter? Was she supportive and all of a sudden when her daughter left she blamed you, or she did not want you to lecture your stepdaughter? 
As others have been saying, it is not advised to get involved in the stepchildren's lives beyond loving them. Let their own parents do the parenting.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

From the perspective of a female (I’m not one but know the specimen somewhat), for what it’s worth—— anytime a man asks “Am I the asshole?” The consensus from 10,000 of 10,000 wives asked, is “yes, you are an asshole.”

hope this helps...


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Al_Bundy said:


> Your wife is using this as an excuse.


Most likely correct. There's way more to her wanting to divorce you than your interactions with the kid. As far as you doing your best to keep the kid on the right path, you need to assume the position that its your house, your rules. I've seen too many marriages damaged by step kids with the attitude, "You're not my daddy" and the old lady taking the kids side. They are eating your groceries, sleeping and staying out of the weather on your dime. Draw a line in the sand and unload both the brat kid and the wife if they make you the enemy. Believe me, the cost of tolerating this crap and putting up with coercion by the brat step daughter just to keep the wife from hitting the trail ain't worth it. I believe it is better to cut loose than to stay where your actions are questioned, motives always suspect, emotional stability and peace destroyed. 
Remember being an asshole in the eyes of some folks is being a person who provides good guidance, management, and direction to other folks.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Grayfoxman said:


> Her real father has not been there for her. Missed birthdays holidays not even buying her anything. He has a kid with another woman and tried to kill himself in a hotel while his son was present. Own tens of thousands in child support. Sorry should have mentioned that


Probably most teenagers would love to have a parent to run off to when they don’t like the discipline or rules in the house. Unfortunately she had one. It takes a lot of work to coordinate parenting between two households in any decent manner, but when crap like this is going on and you have parents pointing fingers left and right... it’s not good. That your wife would now like to throw everything out the window after 12 years says either she’s one of those dismissive parents that doesn’t like to parent at all and wants to be her kids best friend, or you really did something bad.

So, what actually happened with you and the step daughter that resulted in her running off?


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

I answered yes because your stepdaughter thinks so.

In my experience my daughters wanted to spend half their time at their moms despite one of my daughters disdain for her stepfather. Maybe your wife is part of the problem?


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Ditto, Vlad for the win.
I'd vote for the best custody arrangement you can get with your 2 and never have STBXW and stepdaughter never darken your door again.
Best of luck going forward.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

even if you tip toed around, she might have stormed out too. you are the step dad...she wants her real dad (even if HE is the jerk). 

if your wife was enough of a disciplanarian, you could have had her doing the lecturing. but she sounds weak, and just let the kid do whatever she wanted to.


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