# Men please help, do I say something? How?



## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

We are definitely going through a rocky couple of years...though sometimes I think only I am unhappy-- he seems to just fluff off things quickly.

Anyway, I think he is having erection issues, which I never thought would happen. He isn't even asking for sex anymore and the last few times we had it, he seems soft, like he could get it there but couldn't keep it there.

With all his esteem issues, I fear this isn't helping and I don't know whether to say something, wait for him to say something...goodness knows we don't need any more issues, but what do I do?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Help!


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Get into marriage counseling and work on communication. You need to be able to voice these fears and concerns w/out fear of it blowing up your marriage.

We went years w/out really talking because fear of rocking the boat and it led us to a place where my wife felt she needed to stray in order to feel seen and heard and it nearly destroyed us.

Learn to talk to one another and then address the erectile issue. He may be worrying about it too. And it could be medical and treatable so the sooner you look into it, the better.

Good luck.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> Get into marriage counseling and work on communication. You need to be able to voice these fears and concerns w/out fear of it blowing up your marriage.
> 
> We went years w/out really talking because fear of rocking the boat and it led us to a place where my wife felt she needed to stray in order to feel seen and heard and it nearly destroyed us.
> 
> ...


I am not worried about it 'blowing up the marriage', I am worried about making his already obvious esteem issues worse. I want to know how a woman says to a man she has noticed.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok part of this thread was blown away when it moved. 

Yes dear lord yes bring this up with him. He is experiencing shame, guilt, fear, self loathing and will not bring it up on his own. You have to be very gentle about it - however gentle you think you have to be, double that. This is one of the most emotionally devastating things that can happen to a man. On par with you losing a breast to cancer.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How old is he?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

does he want to do things you dont (maybe a bit more adventurous, not weird or disgusting). i hate to ask but could he be a little bit bored with routine (happens to everybody).


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

First, he should see his primary physician and have tests run. He could have low testosterone along with other health issues. When was his last physical? Having the proper level of testosterone alone does wonders to the man physically and mentally. 

After ruling out physical causes, then consider the mental side of things.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Other things to consider are prostate issues, swelling, etc. Although PSA tests are mostly bunk, it's a starting point. 

Also as I posted to this on the duplicate thread, middle age cyclists if he is one, often experience nerve damage 'down there' from compression on a hard saddle. There's a nexus of nerves that control erection, ejaculation and bladder control. 

Also, I can suggest you 'feel around down' there yourself. See if his testicles feel normal, no weird shapes or swelling or bumps, bruising, torsion, unilateral hernia or partial testicular retraction during arousal. If he's experiencing a partial hernial retraction of the testicle up into his abdominal wall while he's getting an erection that can really mess with it. 

Yes I was born without the embarrassment gene. And ever since I had uro-genital surgery and was put on general rounds because the case was pretty odd then woke up staring at a team of young female Asian interns staring back at my junk I've pretty much given up on humility or shame.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Other things to consider are prostate issues, swelling, etc. Although PSA tests are mostly bunk, it's a starting point.
> 
> Also as I posted to this on the duplicate thread, middle age cyclists if he is one, often experience nerve damage 'down there' from compression on a hard saddle. There's a nexus of nerves that control erection, ejaculation and bladder control.
> 
> ...


One morning I woke to drainplugs in my scrotum.

I get the physiology - totally.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> does he want to do things you dont (maybe a bit more adventurous, not weird or disgusting). i hate to ask but could he be a little bit bored with routine (happens to everybody).


There is only ONE thing I have said no to... everything else has been fine to try if he wants


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Other things to consider are prostate issues, swelling, etc. Although PSA tests are mostly bunk, it's a starting point.
> 
> Also as I posted to this on the duplicate thread, middle age cyclists if he is one, often experience nerve damage 'down there' from compression on a hard saddle. There's a nexus of nerves that control erection, ejaculation and bladder control.
> 
> ...



Thank you for your straight forward ness-- I appreciate it. I never thought of the cycle thing- he owns what I would consider a crotch rocket and he will go our for hours and hours on it. 

He can GET an erection, but it doesn't stay as hard as it used to.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> There is only ONE thing I have said no to... everything else has been fine to try if he wants


This is a mistake.

Get in there and be adventurous with him.

Don't put it all on him.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> This is a mistake.
> 
> Get in there and be adventurous with him.
> 
> Don't put it all on him.



Are you kidding?? I cannot say NO to anything?? I have only said NO to one thing EVER!! I don't see how that is putting anything all on him... I am actually terrified to do what he once asked... sorry can't do it.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

Take a few steps back...

I have a few questions.

I had a brief stint with ED a few years ago. It drove me crazy! I'm normally a very horny dude, and that wasn't normal for me.

I'm a 52 year old male.

Here's what I noticed:

1) It happened when I wanted to be her STUD. I wanted to please her in the worst way, and I tried too hard. It was a form of anxiety. As soon as I relaxed, I was fine. The problem there, is most people generally don't relax during sex. I used to get worked up, then disappoint. Fortunately, it didn't last too long. I learned some of the reasons.

2) I was fully ABLE to perform on athletic days. Yes, If I exercised that day, It was like a took a double dose Viagra. Two things happened there. First, I got rid of some tension. second, I increased my circulation. Both play a major role with "Mr. Softy".

So I have a few questions:

Age?
Has he gained weight recently?
How's his blood pressure? This is an overlooked cause in many men.
Does he drink a lot of water. Another overlooked cause. Dehydration reduces sperm volume. I drink a lot of water, and my boys need to get out and swim.
Have you made any major physical changes to your appearance recently?
Is he financially fit?
Does he practice good hygiene? I know if I feel skanky, I don't want my wife to go near me. I'd be afraid that I'd scar her for life 

Start off with those, and see what you think.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Are you kidding?? I cannot say NO to anything?? I have only said NO to one thing EVER!! I don't see how that is putting anything all on him... I am actually terrified to do what he once asked... sorry can't do it.


Hold on now. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Brennan has that problem occasionally

Your words indicated you are open to things he suggests. It left the impression that you're rather passive and it's on him to suggest changing the pace, etc.

Building closeness in this area requires both of you.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Age? Almost 50

Has he gained weight recently? Nope

How's his blood pressure? This is an overlooked cause in many men. He has hypertension and has been taking medication for years

Does he drink a lot of water. Another overlooked cause. Dehydration reduces sperm volume. I drink a lot of water, and my boys need to get out and swim. I don't know.

Have you made any major physical changes to your appearance recently? No

Is he financially fit? Probably not in his mind

Does he practice good hygiene? I know if I feel skanky, I don't want my wife to go near me. I'd be afraid that I'd scar her for life Yes he does


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Hold on now. I don't think you understand what I'm saying. Brennan has that problem occasionally
> 
> Your words indicated you are open to things he suggests. It left the impression that you're rather passive and it's on him to suggest changing the pace, etc.
> 
> Building closeness in this area requires both of you.


Oh... I thought that you only were asking if I did new things WHEN he wanted.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Oh... I thought that you only were asking if I did new things WHEN he wanted.


Not at all. Glad we cleared that up.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

So Conrad...here is my dilemna...I have always been the lower drive person, and admittedly I don't initiate very often, he has in the past said he wanted me to, but when I do, instead of embracing it, he has snippy things to say like "well what got INTO you??", or "Finally you take a turn starting" or "So what do you WANT from me"-- and then it makes me want to not even try. It sucks.

I mean, here I them putting myself OUT there (not only do I have low drive, but in my mind I really WANT to do more adventerous stuff but feel over the top inhibited about actually doing it). It takes me alot to go ahead and put myself out there and then he craps on it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> So Conrad...here is my dilemna...I have always been the lower drive person, and admittedly I don't initiate very often, he has in the past said he wanted me to, but when I do, instead of embracing it, he has snippy things to say like "well what got INTO you??", or "Finally you take a turn starting" or "So what do you WANT from me"-- and then it makes me want to not even try. It sucks.
> 
> I mean, here I them putting myself OUT there (not only do I have low drive, but in my mind I really WANT to do more adventerous stuff but feel over the top inhibited about actually doing it). It takes me alot to go ahead and put myself out there and then he craps on it.


Does he have a favorite outfit that you wear?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Does he have a favorite outfit that you wear?


Like a regular outfit, or like a sexy outfit (like I have a french maid one)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lisa3girls said:


> Like a regular outfit, or like a sexy outfit (like I have a french maid one)


Have the french maid outfit on under your clothes and have him undress you.

He won't make a flip comment. I promise.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Have the french maid outfit on under your clothes and have him undress you.
> 
> He won't make a flip comment. I promise.


I wish I felt sure of that... I don't think I can stand any more hurt


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

When I first started being more forward with my husband he hurt me emotionally. I didn't back down and he got over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> When I first started being more forward with my husband he hurt me emotionally. I didn't back down and he got over it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Man, how did you keep going back for more?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Man, how did you keep going back for more?


This board, therapy, this board...LOL!! I also have made a friend here that is just like my husband used to be (think when the student is ready the teacher appears). I tell him what my husband does and he interprets it for me. Took some time but I began to see it wasn't personal. He was just as afraid as I was and was full of resentment towards me. He'd push back and be mean but I stood strong and didn't let it get to me. I had my moments when I had to take St. Johns wort to get through it (one particular bad day I spent the whole day in bed just bawling). I pulled myself together before he got home, put a smile on my face and went in for more. Initiated again..yes I did.

Took about 1-2 weeks of me doing a 180 and standing firm before he quit being mean. He still gets a few digs in from time to time but I can handle him now. He's become quite predictable.

What I've done is not for the faint of heart. It takes committment and sincerity. I've had to dig deep to find the love to do this. It was hard!! Still is sometimes but its getting easier.


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> This board, therapy, this board...LOL!! I also have made a friend here that is just like my husband used to be (think when the student is ready the teacher appears). I tell him what my husband does and he interprets it for me. Took some time but I began to see it wasn't personal. He was just as afraid as I was and was full of resentment towards me. He'd push back and be mean but I stood strong and didn't let it get to me. I had my moments when I had to take St. Johns wort to get through it (one particular bad day I spent the whole day in bed just bawling). I pulled myself together before he got home, put a smile on my face and went in for more. Initiated again..yes I did.
> 
> Took about 1-2 weeks of me doing a 180 and standing firm before he quit being mean. He still gets a few digs in from time to time but I can handle him now. He's become quite predictable.



Wow, I am impressed with your strength-- it is so hard for me to wrap my head around the way he acts... I mean, I'd love for him to be more romantic toward me and I certainly wouldn't put him down for it if he did even though him not being has hurt me in the past.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

lisa3girls said:


> Wow, I am impressed with your strength-- it is so hard for me to wrap my head around the way he acts... I mean, I'd love for him to be more romantic toward me and I certainly wouldn't put him down for it if he did even though him not being has hurt me in the past.


Honestly I've impressed myself too. I've found peace and strength that I didn't know I had. My happiness is no longer defined by him. I'm not codependent either and that has freed me up to love him no matter what he dishes out back. It's an amazing feeling to finally be able to set someone free and to be okay with it. His rejection doesn't define me anymore. I just don't identify with it. That is what gives me the courage to keep going.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> Took about 1-2 weeks of me doing a 180 and standing firm before he quit being mean. He still gets a few digs in from time to time but I can handle him now. He's become quite predictable.
> 
> What I've done is not for the faint of heart. It takes committment and sincerity. I've had to dig deep to find the love to do this. It was hard!! Still is sometimes but its getting easier.


When you say "mean", and "digs", does he call you a s l u t or something? Some women like that and consider it dirty talk. Some men think women "should" like it and do it no matter what she says. I call my wife my dirty **** sometimes, and pull her hair, etc. She likes it, and says she is my ****.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lisa,

I sense great resentment from your husband towards you with his remarks "well what got INTO you??", or "Finally you take a turn starting" or "So what do you WANT from me" which is sad because resentment is a very toxic emotional poison.

I would recommend that you write a letter to your husband explaining all your deepest thoughts and feelings - without blaming him. Why a letter? because if you were to do this face to face, he - like most of us men - would feel trapped and stonewall you. With a letter, he wouldn't feel the pressure and would be more receptive to the content of your message.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Lisa,

I second the notion of the letter.

And, as a second suggestion, you should run the letter past someone like Mom6547 or another of the forum regulars that you respect.

The key thing with this letter is to invite your husband to see the situation differently. To look upon your relationship with "new eyes".

If you write something that even remotely blames him, it won't be worth the effort.


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