# Frequency



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

With three likes to my suggestion, I've decided to open a thread on Frequency. There has been a poll and a lot of discussion. I want a more open discussion of the topic, with less rules and plenty of threadjacking. As long as it has to do with sexual frequency, it should be Okay for this thread.

Just to kick it off and having nothing to do with the future of this thread, here is something I've been thinking about.

I don't really think my spouse is likely to start initiating at a higher frequency. At the same time I have given up hope on initiating. I see that this is failing us in the sexual tension department. So I've decided to rescind the ban and initiate a lot more. Like daily maybe. Or on the days we sleep together. Which would be 3 or 4 nights a week. The trouble is so Far I'm pretty half hearted at it. Part is the antidepressant killing my drive and part of it is no faith that it will ever work. So far it's just bringing up the topic more often. 

FYI We are steady at 1/week.


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## Spent (Jan 27, 2019)

Wow, daily!!

Got to admit for me anyway 2 times a week would be great, not that I expect that to become a reality anytime soon? But at the same time a scheduled frequency seems difficult as like you stated, work and other responsibilities would make some weeks harder to schedule around. But maybe a schedule is the right way to go about it? 

So to tie into your issue. Has anyone found that actually agreeing on a weekly schedule has worked to find the right frequency fit for you as a couple? At least as a starting point to take the pressure of either party and allow the other to plan for the event?


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Have you discussed Wellbutrin with your doc? Half-hearted does have to include her, but almost sounds like your brain wants more than your body?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Personally, at first as often as I can, then as time wanes and my balls empty less frequently. I think my ideal is every other day or so but not any regular time schedule, ie at night or at noon. I enjoy it when the opportunity presents itself naturally. I do not like scheduled or preplanned sex (every M-W-F but never on T or Th). I think it kills any spontaneity, which I think enhances the experience.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

In my almost 17 year marriage, we have always had a fairly high frequency with the exception of about a year or so after our second child was born. During this time it dropped to once a week and was usually with limited foreplay so it got pretty vanilla. I didn't do much to address this at first, and then went the typical getting grumpy/insulted when getting turned down for a while. When we would go away just the two of us or if the grandparents took the kids for the night the sex would be passionate and fun like before kids so I knew the desire and enjoyment was still there for her, so this confused me more. 

At this point after a number of more discussions on the topic we decided to go to a marriage counselor. We discussed things and with the counselors advice set a once a week as a minimum with the intention of more frequency beyond that. The idea of scheduling a minimum frequency was the use it or lose it mentality. If you go long periods without sex as a couple the general desire can deteriorate and damage the marriage. I would still initiate when I felt the time was right and things did begin to improve. A key here was we really focused on regular emotional intimacy and affection. We also set a rule that for at least 1 hour a night we would go no TV or other devices we would just sit together and talk about anything. I think this planned and scheduled intentional affection and emotional intimacy with no expectation for sex did more than anything in helping us keep the marriage strong. 

Now this went on for about a year and as our second got a little older things really started to improve. With my wife not worried about a kid waking up mid sex for us made her able to relax more and enjoy things. The key was I stuck with not getting grumpy and acting slighted on the occasions she was just not in the mood. My idea was if she really enjoys it every time she will want it more and if she just does it to avoid dealing with grumpy me it will act against the desired goal. And part of my initiating involved me taking steps well beyond just saying hey you in the mood. I would make sure any home related stressors were out of the way, I would draw her a bath with candles and a glass of wine while I got the kids through their bedtime routine and other things like that. Things steadily progressed as a result of this emotional intimacy and strong happy marriage first strategy. 

Now we are around 5 times a week on average. We have preteens now but we have a big house. Sex is a very big part of our relationship and we both do a lot to keep it that way. If we didn't very openly communicate at the start I think we would have ended up in a much different situation. 

From my experience and talking to friends I think the fact that we acknowledge that sex is very important but we BOTH have to work at having the best possible sex life and that it starts with the best possible relationship in general has been the key. I think another thing that was important for my wife was from the start I said I need more frequent sex and we need to figure out how to get you back to needing it again also. It was never if you don't give it to me I'm gone or I might have to go get it somewhere else contrary to what some advise around here I let her know I love her first and sex wasn't the reason I love her. If it had stayed low with zero effort on her after lots of talking I'm not sure what I would have done or where we would be today. It's also important to note this whole situation happened when we were in our early-mid thirties and now it's ten years later.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

sunsetmist said:


> Have you discussed Wellbutrin with your doc? Half-hearted does have to include her, but almost sounds like your brain wants more than your body?


Not really, at the time I started taking it I had so much anxiety about getting sex that it was quite a relief not to want any. We are kind of renormalizing at this point. Trying to find a rhythm that works with us now.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Our current normal is 3 days/wk except during her menstruation where we will do it twice during that week - day before - then on day 6 of her period. My wife is a mix of responsive desire and "normal"(?) desire. So for her sex works best when it's scheduled (Sun-Wed-Sat), then repeat for next week if not her period. Then for period week it's Sunday and then Saturday. This post is just how our lives are. Not sure if you're looking for more than that. BTW, we're in our mid 40s. We're not exactly burning up the sheets on the frequency front, but it works for us.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Once or twice a week is probably normal for us but ideally, every other day would be very satisfying to me and twice a year would be her perfect frequency and that's the problem. frequency coupled with desire is the place I can't seem to get to.

Sent from my moto z3 using Tapatalk


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My mistake was getting off the ADs... my wife carried on. I found myself going crazy for sex, which I could not have at the frequency I wanted. Stayed off the ADs though. That destroyed the marriage. Can't wait to date again...


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I usually tune to 95.8 

Oh, wait....


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Every 10-20 days in conjunction with hormone surges pre and post menstration. Now that she’s peri-menopausal it’s more like every three weeks.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would take way less frequent AWESOME sex over maintenance sex 500%%%


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm so happy with the quality at this point that I'm a bit afraid to push the quantity. If we can move to 2x/week without lowering the intensity, I'll be pretty satisfied. Might even drop the SSRI.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Laurentium said:


> I usually tune to 95.8
> 
> Oh, wait....


I was pretty sure that one would pop up.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My previous marriage....

By end of year 1, once a week. By end of year 10, less than once a month, by year 15, 3 or less times a year. Last 2 years sexless except for one horrible encounter.

Current marriage: every day unless someone is really sick. And even if it's quick, it is always quality because love and intimacy.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

For the past two years, I think we maybe hit 10 times total. In the last two months, we are averaging about 3x a week, and I am pretty comfortable in saying that the latter will be more in line with how things will be going forward as well.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> For the past two years, I think we maybe hit 10 times total. In the last two months, we are averaging about 3x a week, and I am pretty comfortable in saying that the latter will be more in line with how things will be going forward as well.


Have you considered any former problems with your sex life might be related to how you view yourself? I mean, since your original Ellis Redding avatar, a lot of your avatars have been YUCKY.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Have you considered any former problems with your sex life might be related to how you view yourself? I mean, since your original Ellis Redding avatar, a lot of your avatars have been YUCKY.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


>


Oh NOW I am hot and bothered.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> EllisRedding said:
> 
> 
> >
> ...


Maybe he likes to have sex at diners, dives, and drive-ins...


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Frequency cannot be discussed between different couples as far as I can work out. 
We married at 25 and 27, him older. The first five years sex was our only hobby. For some reason I did not get pregnant so we got obsessed with sex. I was nice. It was one to three times a day except the mandatory breaks over five days a month. 

Then first baby arrived. The 8 months waiting was very good as it had no breaks. Then the last month was uncomfortable and less and less. 

Have had two little ones now and looking after them takes its toll so we are down a bit. ( need it more than him) My friend Lisa who is 31 thinks she is no longer wanted if she misses a day. Yet some people go for weeks without and living together. If oe works away the couple might only see each other at weekends. 

Work, children, house work, transporting family members, etc all reduce frequency. But we have a rule that Friday night is family night no matter what.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

A discussion topic I used to see periodically around here in the past was scheduled vs spontaneous sex. The wife and I have days more or less scheduled. Maybe we shift a day early or a day later on occasion, but very predictable. I know this is a huge turnoff for some because it lacks that mystery component and/or that ability to "strike when the iron is hot" and thus maximizing intensity. An interesting byproduct of going the scheduled route is that you have something to look forward to and can build anticipation and excitement that way. I like to think of it as that feeling you get when you a day or 2 away from going on a vacation you are really looking forward to. JMHO.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> For the past two years, I think we maybe hit 10 times total. In the last two months, we are averaging about 3x a week, and I am pretty comfortable in saying that the latter will be more in line with how things will be going forward as well.


Holy Smurf balls Batman!!!

Glad you two have turned the corner!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> A discussion topic I used to see periodically around here in the past was scheduled vs spontaneous sex. The wife and I have days more or less scheduled. Maybe we shift a day early or a day later on occasion, but very predictable. I know this is a huge turnoff for some because it lacks that mystery component and/or that ability to "strike when the iron is hot" and thus maximizing intensity. An interesting byproduct of going the scheduled route is that you have something to look forward to and can build anticipation and excitement that way. I like to think of it as that feeling you get when you a day or 2 away from going on a vacation you are really looking forward to. JMHO.


we used to do this... it wasn't a turn off for me... at least I knew exactly when I was going to have some fun instead of being rejected all the time.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Holy Smurf balls Batman!!!
> 
> Glad you two have turned the corner!


Thanks. TBH I had gotten to the point where I just didn't give a crap and had zero interest in (in those last 2 years I think we had an 8 month stretch where nothing happened and I think going on about 5 months before all this got addressed/fixed), so yeah, the way things are is definitely much better  I am happy to report that my balls did manage just ok lol.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Presently three to six. 

Some weeks 7, some rare weeks a couple of times.

And this has varied over our long marriage, but always important to us.

We're sans kids now, enjoying perks of empty house. 😍😍😍

'Cept when grandkids stay over. But Pawpaw's ok with that 😎😎😎


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

3-5 times per week, which I'm good with, especially since we have two young kids.

We've gone through a couple of rough patches in our 14 years together, and I've learned that the following (in no particular order) have had a major impact on our frequency:


Wife's health (she has battled significant thyroid and hormone issues since I've known her)
Birth control
Kids (the first year after our second child was born was rough)
My confidence in general and in pursuing her sexually
My physical condition (being in good shape turns her on more, makes me more confident, and helps me perform better)
Her physical condition (helps her enjoy sex more)
Sleep (sounds obvious, but if she's not exhausted, she wants more sex)
Our communication and emotional connection
Learning her turn-ons and turn-offs (lots of trial and error!)
Massages (pretty much my wife's love language)


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> The wife and I have days more or less scheduled.


Very early in our marriage (with my exhusband), I tried to schedule sex for _once_ a week. It lasted all of one week before he said no more.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Very early in our marriage (with my exhusband), I tried to schedule sex for _once_ a week. It lasted all of one week before he said no more.


May I ask what went wrong with the idea of scheduling? 

Although we are impromptu with sex during the week, Friday is a given. Since way before we had children, Friday was always set aside as family day. We have not seen it differently since 2004. Is why I am asking what went wrong?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

MaiChi said:


> May I ask what went wrong with the idea of scheduling?
> 
> Although we are impromptu with sex during the week, Friday is a given. Since way before we had children, Friday was always set aside as family day. We have not seen it differently since 2004. Is why I am asking what went wrong?


He told me that it felt forced. 

Looking back, what went wrong was that we both wanted to be the passive, receptive partner - which ended up meaning that no one initiated.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

I'm for scheduled frequency (maybe 2x per week). But Ive also been accused on other threads about leting my W off when she deviates from agreements. My perspective is that things happen and change happens. I have to decide if that is acceptable.

You can say that is just a rationalization. But how many times in a week have you gone without some good rationalizations in your life? So it fits with that.

What if your W said you have to start bringing home a 6 figure salary or she's gone? Is that unreasonable? Is scheduled sex unreasonable? Only if you don't accept it.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MaiChi said:


> May I ask what went wrong with the idea of scheduling?
> 
> Although we are impromptu with sex during the week, Friday is a given. Since way before we had children, Friday was always set aside as family day. We have not seen it differently since 2004. Is why I am asking what went wrong?


I have always been against scheduling or setting a certain # we have to hit weekly. Maybe that wasn't the greatest idea given how crazy our schedule is, but I didn't want it to turn into a chore. We have agreed on a minimum numbers of days which has been very helpful (and we have been ahead of that number each week). We don't have set days per se, but it is pretty much working out to be every Sat/Sun morning (which I am perfectly fine with, but once again, feels like we HAVE to do it on those days).


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> I have always been against scheduling or setting a certain # we have to hit weekly. Maybe that wasn't the greatest idea given how crazy our schedule is, but I didn't want it to turn into a chore. We have agreed on a minimum numbers of days which has been very helpful (and we have been ahead of that number each week). We don't have set days per se, but it is pretty much working out to be every Sat/Sun morning (which I am perfectly fine with, but once again, feels like we HAVE to do it on those days).


With us, I suggested scheduling because we weren't having sex at all. And we were newly married.

So, we just plugged along in our non-scheduled, sexless marriage for the next 20 years.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

minimalME said:


> He told me that it felt forced.
> 
> Looking back, what went wrong was that we both wanted to be the passive, receptive partner - which ended up meaning that no one initiated.


Yes. Sometimes I think that if I tell him that I am going to bed and I will be waiting for him, that is enough initiation on my part. When he does come to bed he should lead out. 

These days it is easier for me since he took an Indian head Massage course in 2012. I liked that from him so much he went and did another massage course. So now I get several months of massage creams for my birthdays and Christmas and anniversaries. The massage almost always leads to other things which lead to a good night sleep. Also removed the need to directly initiate. 

My neck needs a rub
Been on my feet all day
My handbag was heavy today so shoulder needs a massage
My head itches 

Any of these will start


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I married a 19 year old virgin who never had an orgasm, masturbated, oral, heavy petting or even saw a real penis. During our 46 years of marriage my wife accepted an invite from our friends to wife swap and invited her girlfriends to join us in bed for threesomes. Apparently she discovered her bisexuality and we ended up with her BFF living with us and sharing her for most of our marriage. So our frequency was a lot, especially the threesomes over those decades. I did not think my spouse would increase her sex drive either but she not only did, but wanted to try every fetish we could find online.

We would start with a threesome and then each girl wanted one on one time with me afterwards. That is 3 times a night for at least 4 nights a week. After our girlfriend got married and only lived with us part time, my wife and I had sex almost daily, sometimes twice a day. We are now in our late sixties and just a couple for the first time in decades, and have sex once a week. So there really is no “normal” frequency. The best you can do is survey couples and take an average. However if 1,000 couples have zero sex and 1,000 have sex 10 times a week, the average will be 5 times a week which is not telling the true story that half of the couples are not having sex at all. 

What is normal is what feels right for the couple. For us it was a lot of sex due to my wife’s desire to have a woman in her life beside me, although our marriage was the primary relationship and always came first. For others once a week may be their sweet spot. My point is not to go by what others do but rather what makes you and your partner happy.


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