# Changing Last Name



## Timmy (Jan 13, 2009)

I have been married for a year now and we are at the point where sacrafices need to be made. I have offered to leave a job I love and have worked at for 7 years, move away from my friends and family so we can be closer to my wife's family and so she does not have to quit her job (she is a nurse and could get a job anywhere while I am going to have to switch careers entirely). Like every couple we have our arguments, if anything fight a lot. But, there is one issue that is dear to my heart and feel I need and that is for our children to have my last name. Reaosn being my father is the only one in his family to have children and I am his only son, so I feel stongly that I have to continue on my last name and have felt this way since I was a kid. Now my wife and I have fought about this all the way leading up to marriage. On the very morning of our wedding it still wasn't decided and I even had to call her mother out of the room where they were getting dressed to ask her if my wife had mentioned anything about names cause I didn't know what we were to sign on the wedding certificate. Well despite knowing that my wife had told them all that she is going to take my last name and become Mrs ****. The first thing she told me when she came down the isle and stood with me at the alter was that she was going to become Mrs ****. I was so happy! Well, after the wedding and reception she has recently re-nagged and is telling me that she is not going to take my last name, that I should take her alst name and our kids are going to take her last name. I am absolutely torn inside. I tried to compromise after all of this by suggesting we hyphenate our kids names. She said she doesn't like it so its not an option and went on to say that I don't have a say in our childrens last names. I feel I have to carry on my last name, and my father and sister (mother has passed away) are quite concerned about this and obviusly feel the same way. I feel that I am the only one compromising in this relationship and can't believe to this day she lied to me in front of 40 witnesses (including the minister) at our wedding. Does anyone have any advice? Am I being selfish? Should I be honest and say I have to have my name included in our childrens or else?


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

You wife is wrong to say that YOU have no say in their names. The children are of the two of you. I understand carrying on the family name, so why not give a boy your name, and a girl hers?


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

what state do you live in so we can check the laws. I believe and I am not a 100% but the Baby's name MUST take the fathers name if the woman is married. I would check with a Lawyer.


Secondly, are you sure you want to stay married to this woman and have children with her? 

you make her sound very bossy and controlling, and you sound like a push over.

If that was my wife and she pulled that crap, I would be divorcing her and having the wedding anulled right away.

It is Obvious she has ZERO respect for you....ZERO.

I would be gone, long gone.

Now I know some women will disagree with me, and I find this very important to take the last name of the husband. It was a deal breaker for me and my wife, We discussed it before marriage and she knew how I felt. I just feel we are not a family is we have different last names, But we did compromise her middle name is her maiden name.

But if she pulled what this lady just did....I would divorce her in a minute completely disrespectful.


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I am thinking marriage annulment. My wife did not take her first husband's last name, and that looked to me like pre-planning for when the marriage was over.

I would not have married my wife had she not taken my name. When you marry, you are supposed to become one.

I would get out without hesitation.


----------



## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

of course your children should have your last name. i'm all for women's right and all, but that's just going too far. i had no doubt in my mind about my daughter having my husband's last name. hell i'm not even changing my name back after we get divorced


----------



## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

:iagree:

She sounds very controlling and manipulating. I mean, she told you she would do something at the alter just to "shut you up" and (apparently) never had any intention of following through. If she would do it then, what's to stop her from doing it again at any given point.

She comes across as someone who has figured out the way to get what she wants is to manipulate and lie. Is this what you want the rest of your life to be?

IMHO this is much bigger than just a last name.


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

I did not take my husband's last name when we got married. 

Mostly because both my father and his brother had all girls. I feel a need to keep the family name alive. 

However, sometimes I question the wisdom in it... it often leads to a lot of confusion!


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

This is just me, but I interpret the last name thing like this...

1) She thinks she is too good to have his last name.
2) She believes that they will not stay married, so why have to bother to change it back later.
3) She sees herself in the alpha role in the relationship.

I view the name things as a symbol of commitment. I am going to share everything with you including my name.

What I interpret from her not taking his name is "I don't want you nasty old name..."

If you don't want his name, don't get married to him.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Peridot...My wife has all sisters and it is the end of their family name on her side...She has male cousins that will carry it on.

But to honor her father our second son's Middle name is her Maiden name, her other sister did the same thing, there son's middle name is the maiden name.

I was last to carry on my family name since my brother died.


----------



## Peridot (Dec 30, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Peridot...My wife has all sisters and it is the end of their family name on her side...She has male cousins that will carry it on.
> 
> But to honor her father our second son's Middle name is her Maiden name, her other sister did the same thing, there son's middle name is the maiden name.
> 
> I was last to carry on my family name since my brother died.


Sadly, a lot of my family is still from the "old country" and I don't know of any male cousins (or second or third cousins) that are in this country. To make things even more difficult, my name is an anglicized Slavic name that isn't very common. Chances are, my dad wouldn't even care, but I personally feel weird about it.


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

I have girlfriends that A) got married and kept their own name or B) had children with their man without being married and I don't know a single one of them that did not give the baby the fathers last name. As for her changing her own- Some of my friends haven't, they feel it's part of their identity and how they have become known. Personally I don't get that, when I got married I took my husbands name, if we divorce I will keep his name to be the same as my kids, and because it's who I am now. If I ever re-marry, we'll see if I take his name, I don't know yet because of the kids. My girlfriends that don't have the same last name as their kids say they often have a lot of explaining to do. I don't think it is fair at all of her to say you will have no say in your children's last name. Can you not give the children her last name as one of the middle names, and still have yours as the last name? It's very common now. Good luck!!


----------



## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

Well it looks like all of us agree that what your wife did was unacceptable. I think that it is important that you don't back down on this issue. Don't have children until it is resolved. She needs to know early in this marriage that your feelings DO matter and if she doesn't understand that then the marriage was a mistake.


----------



## Les Clue (Apr 8, 2008)

Hi Timmy,

Wow, that is a tough one. First of all, you helped me in a big way by posting this in the first place, so thank you. I had originally come on to post my own grief which, after reading about your concern, pales in comparison.
My wife took my name on our wedding day but, little did I know until then, she didn't want to. She wanted me to take her maiden name as my second middle, but I told her I was too much a "traditionalist" to do that. Tonight she gave me an ultimatum (even though she vehemently denies it was): add her maiden name as a second middle or she is changing her name back and hyphenating our kids' (3) last names. I could go on and on here about how that is manipulative, controlling, etc., but it forced me to look at it from a different point of view; changing a name is a big deal to many people and not to be taken lightly. Just because it's traditionally been the woman who changes for the man in the past doesn't mean that that's the "right" thing to do now. In other words, to each their own. I will add her name to mine for her, because she wants me to. It's a small gesture I can do for her that she did for me. And it will be nice to not have our kids' names hyphenated...
As for you, I agree with what most said here, and I fit more to your wife's perspective. Please be wary about those who, if in your shoes, would divorce "in a minute." While your wife does sound bossy and controlling, you married her - she's your wife. My wife is very controlling too, and I can be at times as well. But instead of assuming you're a pushover, I'm inclined to think you're either A) Very respectful, B) Completely scared of her, or C) A combination of both. 
A name is obviously important to you both. Your wife does seem to be acting very selfishly, however. You have extremely legitimate reasons (beyond my own "I'm a traditionalist" excuse) for wanting her to take your last name. And for her to say you don't have a say in your children's names is absolutely ridiculous. It's her being (beyond) selfish, my friend, not you.
If you haven't sought counseling, now's the time. If your story is as bad as you make it sound, any therapist will be quick to point out her irrationalities. My poor wife suffers from a mental disorder that we all have to struggle through, and I've been putting up with it for years. And she has put up with me at the same time. Talk to your wife. It sounds like you might not get too far, but enforce your boundaries. If she refuses to go to marital counseling then you should start with your "or else's." But certainly don't jump to divorcing over a name. It's an important word but, really, it's just a word. Sounds like you have more to deal with than just a name change though. Good luck to you guys.


----------



## Timmy (Jan 13, 2009)

Thank you for all your advise. To answer a few questions I am from Canada so there is no law that she has to take my last name and I think I know I am too much of a pushover, I am respectful and at times slightly scared of her as she can be quite controlling and manipulative to get what she wants, but I am also at fault for being a pushover and not establishing boundaries or voicing my opinion when necessary.

I discussed it with her one additional time since posting this thread and it became quite heated. After a few hours apart I tried to re-visit the topic by saying that something has to give or be compromised here so lets talk about our options. I was unfortunatly told "No. If I have a kid it is getitng my last name!" I ended it there and we did not speak for the rest of the night.

I will not give up and continue to talk to her. I cannot let this go on as decisions have to soon be made about where we are going to live/ buy a home, career moves, kids etc and I left the last name up to the very morning of our wedding and that backfired. I cannot make the same mistake and wait until the day we have a child and hope that it will work itself out. Again, its not the fact that she did not take my last name that is my concern (though to be honest it is dissapointing) but it is the childrens last names that I feel must be mine. 

She is a good woman and like everyone has her faults and I do love her, but I think I will have to give an altimatum of either finding a resolution ourselves (which doesn't seem likely), seek counselling (which I recommended pre-marital counselling before but she didn't want to) or else....


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

is the younger generation of men really this weak?

where you an abused child? Verbally or Physically?

She owns you man, you might as well put on the collar becuase you are her pet and she owns you.

I really can't believe I am hearing this.

I feel sorry for the day you finally realize all of this.

there is compromise and then there is being a doormat.

you are a door matt, push over. Next thing you know she will be in bed with your best friend and you will catch them in the act instead of getting mad, you will accept it.

I would be gone......so gone......plenty of great women out there that would APPRECIATE YOU.

did you marry a drill sargent?

I am beside myself...Void take over for me....I can't do this. :soapbox:


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Wow... That was a bit harsh...


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

yep it is....harsh.

moo think about it, if that was your wife....the child you are about to have told you, that child will ahve the Name I choose and MY maiden name...and I don't care what you think.

would you stand for it? would you just say, "Yes, dear?"

lat time I looked Marriage was 2 people making a family and talking things out, not demanding, not changing after a agreement has been made, etc.

think about your own situation...and you know what I mean.....would you tolerate it? to be treated that way?

For the record, I would be the same way if the Man told the woman she had no say in the childs name and only made demands from her.

that is abuse


----------



## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I agree with the above...

This is less about what she wants, and a whole lot more about how she is going about it. 

You are in for a long road. You said this is her 2nd marriage? No offense, but I think it's already obvious why the First one ended. 

I think the whole name thing is secondary, you need to start looking at yourself in the mirror and deciding if this is how you want to live your life before you actually have a child to make things even more complicated??? The whole baby name thing is only a single example of a MUCH larger issue that needs to be dealt with ASAP!!!

If this is how she acts now, my money says, it gets worse from here, not better. Just remember that.


----------

