# Can't break from my husband



## thinkiaminsane (Sep 19, 2011)

After 16 years of marriage, my husband and I separated. Our primary problems at that time were that he (and I) were drinking to much, our spending got out of control, our 11 year old daughter was not happy, I wanted my life to change and knew it wouldn’t if I remained with him. 

My husband was the jeleous type, he needed to be around me 24/7 (we actually worked together for 12 years), but he was also loving and very attentive to me. 

There were two occasions that my husband got physical with me (pushing around). This happened when I told him we needed to seperate. Unfortunately our 11 year old witnessed it.

We went through 2 years of getting back together and splitting up. Our getting back together never lasting more than 1 month before I would tell him to get out. 

During this 2 year period I meet a great guy that I would see during the breakups, he was kind, loving, and giving. However, I would always manage to sabotage it and run back to my husband. 

During our breakups, my husband saw many women, all of whom he had sexual relations with. Sometimes I think I would go back to him out of jealousy that he was with someone else.

January of this year we got back together again. This time it lasted 2 months. My oldest daughter (age 27) called me and said she needed to tell me something about my husband. (my husband is her step father, he raised since she was 8 yrs old). She told me about a night that I went to bed early, she was about 12 years old, and he kissed her very inappropriately. She then told me that for the remainder of her childhood, my husband would invade her privacy, tearing pages out of her diary etc, in fear of my finding out about that one incident. Additionally she told me that he use to give her beer to drink when I wasn’t around.

After finding this out, confronting my husband and him admitting to it; I filed for the divorce and got my youngest daughter (his natural child, then 13 years old) into counseling to confirm if he had ever done anything inappropriate to her. The divorce was final 2 months ago; the counselor does not believe that my husband has done anything inappropriate to my youngest daughter.

So… Now it has been two months since the divorce and yep… you guessed it.. I am back with my husband. 

I think I am insane, I don’t understand why I am not feeling anger, I don’t understand why I think I need to take care of him, I don’t understand why I think I need him to take care of me. I am financially self-sufficient and fairly educated. My oldest daughter and her husband won’t have anything to do with my now ex-husband; they will not let him around their child (who is 9 months old), my youngest is upset that I am back with him (she loves him but tells me she is scared) 

Besides being stupid... what is my problem!


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

You both sound co-dependent. Look up co dependency and read about it. Also sounds like some self esteem issues as well. Apparently there was enough self esteem at the time to know you needed to be apart and divorce, now if you can just remain that way. Doesn't sound like a healthy situation to get back into.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Don't you care about your daughters? This man is clearly abusive and disturbed. Leave and never come back!! Get yourself into IC so that you can stay strong. I second the codependency issues.


Protect your young, Mama Grizzly! issed:


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I think you have to ask yourself what is so wonderful and appealing about this man that you would go back to him in the face of what sound to me like some really appalling consequences and even more frightening threats. You're going to run off both of your children in order to stay in this relationship, you realize that, right?

Your older daughter has already at least restricted the time she spends with you and the time she allows you to spend with your grandchild if they won't allow him around their family.

If my math is correct, your younger daughter is about the same age her sister was when her father sexually assaulted her sister. Of course she's afraid of him, she knows he's completely capable of physical and sexual assault! How can she trust you as a loving parent when you've completely disregarded this, both from experience and when she tells you that she's actually afraid of her own father? That in itself speaks volumes.

You ask a forum of strangers what your problem could be to stay in this situation, but you seriously, seriously need to look into yourself to find that answer. If individual counseling doesn't seem feasible, then maybe check out some support groups at your local women's shelter or for codependents at the very least.

Your choice in a spouse is difficult enough to understand, but frankly you're an adult and can make your own choices about your health and safety. 

What is really disturbing is that you're willing to risk your child by going back to a relationship where there's already been admitted addiction, physical abuse and incest. Her options to stay or go are pretty limited and the consequences if you've guessed wrong that "he would never do anything to her" are pretty severe.

Is he seriously so amazing that you're willing to risk all that?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thinkiaminsane said:


> I think I am insane, I don’t understand why I am not feeling anger, I don’t understand why I think I need to take care of him, I don’t understand why I think I need him to take care of me. I am financially self-sufficient and fairly educated. My oldest daughter and her husband won’t have anything to do with my now ex-husband; they will not let him around their child (who is 9 months old), my youngest is upset that I am back with him (she loves him but tells me she is scared)
> 
> Besides being stupid... what is my problem!


You are rabidly and morbidly codependent. Please seek professional help ASAP. There is also a streak of masochism running through this relationship. He abuses and you go back for more abuse.

Melody Beattie wrote what is considered a classic by all codies, Codependent No More. Get a copy. Get a highlighter. I assure you that you will find yourself within the covers of the book.

If for no other reason, go no contact with this man for the sake of your daughter. The damage you are doing to her is terrible. As an adult, you have every right to screw up your life as much as you desire. As a parent, you have an obligation to shield and protect your daughter from all this insane drama.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

_*She told me about a night that I went to bed early, she was about 12 years old, and he kissed her very inappropriately. She then told me that for the remainder of her childhood, my husband would invade her privacy, *tearing pages out of her diary etc, in fear of my finding out about that one incident. Additionally she told me that he use to give her beer to drink when I wasn’t around.

*After finding this out, confronting my husband and him admitting to it; I filed for the divorce and got my youngest daughter* (his natural child, then 13 years old) into *counseling* to confirm if he had ever done anything inappropriate to her. The divorce was final 2 months ago; *the counselor does not believe that my husband has done anything inappropriate *to my youngest daughter.

So… Now *it has been two months since the divorce and yep… you guessed it.. I am back with my husband*. _

Um, actually, no, I didn't guess it. Because I cannot fathom how a mother would do something like that when she has other daughters and the ex already admitted to inappropriate behaviors with his duaghters. 

WHAT
IN 
THE
HELL?

You need a reality check. Stat. Why are you doing this? It's sad that you seem to believe your counselor over reality. The fact is your husband has no problems taking indecent liberties with his own daughters. If that doesn't register in your brain then I don't know what will. 

You are choosing d!ck over your daughters.

I feel sorry for your daughters. Their dad is a pervert and their mom won't even stand up for them. You are abusing them just as badly as he is. Unconscionable.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Um, actuallyl, no, I didn't guess it. Because I cannot fathom how a mother would do something like that when she has other duaghters and the ex already admitted to inappropriate behaviors with his duaghters.
> 
> WHAT
> IN
> ...


Wow. Your daughters will grow up not thinking they are worth much.

I hope it doesn't escalate and one of your children tells you they were raped by him one night.

Sickening.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My father chose his marriage over my safety. He desperately wanted my mother's approval, so he allowed her to abuse me.

It took me a very long time to forgive him. I saw that he chose to be a victim, unlike me who had no choice, except being put into foster care. 

Do you want your children to ask why you never protected them? Do you want them to be damaged goods like I am? I am going to be on medication for the rest of my life and I have needed therapy more than once. Think about the effects of abuse on children; the scars last well into adulthood.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Yeah, get help. I lived through this with my own father and my parents are still married. Talk about f'd up for life. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your daughters.


----------



## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think you can't leave him alone for 2 reasons.

1) You're selfish as hell. It's all about you and getting your needs met.

2) The sex is mindblowing.

The only advice I have to offer you is that you go get into counseling immediately. A professional can help you understand why you consistantly gravitate toward someone so disturbed.


----------

