# How much sex is not enough in your opinion?



## MrsG13 (Dec 15, 2011)

My Husband and I usually only have sex about once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks. We have only been married 7 months so I'm not sure if that's normal or our sex life is in trouble. We have discussed that we both feel we should be having sex more often, but due to our schedules we struggle to find the appropriate time to have sex. We both work daylight hours and we're usually pretty tired right after we get home and we usually cook dinner right away. Then after dinner we settle into a routine of watching tv or a movie it seems and right before we go to bed, we take care of any house work that needs done such as the dishes or the laundry. We haven't really exercised in a long time and we agreed that we would like to begin exercising more often. We just seem to be stuck in a boring everyday routine and I'm not sure how to get out of it. We have already been seeing a therapist together for the past few months, but she doesn't seem to be helping quite enough. It bothers me that I never feel like my Husband and I are newlyweds. We've had trouble with intimacy even before we got married. We have been together for 2 years, but we don't kiss a lot either. I'd really like to, but I feel like I want my Husband to initiate more since I don't feel comfortable initiating with him and I'm not really sure why. I have been in quite a few relationships before I met my Husband and I haven't been uncomfortable initiating in any of them really. My Husband hasn't been in any relationships before he met me and I remember he told me I'd have to make the move (kissing him when ready to) on our first date which I did even though I wasn't really comfortable with it. He has initiated many times in the past so he seems to be okay with doing it, but he once told me that he doesn't always realize when I want to have sex. I told him that he can ask me. Lately I haven't really been in the mood for sex, but when I am it seems like my Husband isn't in the mood cuz I let him know that I want to have sex (by telling him) and he doesn't do anything about it. Even if I am not in the mood, I'm still open to my Husband initiating sex to help me get into the mood though. I'd appreciate any input on this.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

my rule of thumb - and I haven't stated this explicitly to my wife or else she'll overthink it - is if it's happening less than once a week, I'm going to make an issue of it.

So 1x/week is a bare minimum. I try to shoot for 3x/week but of course it varies.

We have the same day shift->dinner->chores or TV->bed routine, only with a toddler thrown in so I can definitely relate.

Also, your husband should be more proactive about kissing you!


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## MrsG13 (Dec 15, 2011)

Thanks. I think a bare minimum of 1 time a week sounds really good, but I think it would be good for us to work up to 2-3 times per week. I will talk to my husband about it and I've mentioned that I'd like my Husband to kiss me more often which he has a little bit, but still needs to work on it.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, it's a personal choice, but that certainly seems pretty low to me, and apparently to you as well.

I don't have much patience with the "we're busy, we're tired" shtick. Everyone is busy and everyone is tired, but you make time for what you want to do. So, don't watch TV for one night, go to bed early and play. Or leave the laundry to pile up for a couple of days -- your sex life is much more important.

I'm a little concerned about your husband's responses -- are you sure he is straight? I see a lot of red flags in his behavior.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

MrsG13 said:


> My Husband and I usually only have sex about once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks. We have only been married 7 months so I'm not sure if that's normal or our sex life is in trouble. We have discussed that we both feel we should be having sex more often, but due to our schedules we struggle to find the appropriate time to have sex. We both work daylight hours and we're usually pretty tired right after we get home and we usually cook dinner right away. *Then after dinner we settle into a routine of watching tv or a movie it seems* and right before we go to bed, we take care of any house work that needs done such as the dishes or the laundry.


Settle into a routine of spending intimate time together rather than a movie or television. You can spend your weekends catching up on movies and television.  You can also spend your days off catching up on laundry. Your day isn't any shorter than the rest of ours and with you both working the same shift, you guys should have plenty of time for each other. 

The amount of times is subjective but if you feel you would like to be intimate more, find ways to initiate more often. Do not leave it up to him to stop watching tv and doing the laundry. Life is too short to watch tv over spending time with your spouse, my gosh.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Aristotle said:


> Settle into a routine of spending intimate time together rather than a movie or television. You can spend your weekends catching up on movies and television. You can also spend your days off catching up on laundry. Your day isn't any shorter than the rest of ours and with you both working the same shift, you guys should have plenty of time for each other.
> 
> The amount of times is subjective but if you feel you would like to be intimate more, find ways to initiate more often. Do not leave it up to him to stop watching tv and doing the laundry. Life is too short to watch tv over spending time with your spouse, my gosh.


I would agree with this. Couples with kids find time to be intimate more often than you do.

Get your man a copy of the Married Mans Sex Life, and see if that helps.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Building on what Aristotle and the others have said, what about spending the weekend making love and going on little side trips during the day?

Make love in the morning, take a trip (hiking, walking) come home in the evening and make love again!

Da*n that sounds like a great weekend to me!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

agree 100% about TV. it is a trap we've fallen into. Another issue is that our son has been staying up later as well. the routine is he lays on the couch with mom after bathtime to wind down until he falls asleep, while we watch a show or two. Sometimes she'll suggest watching something else. 

If I especially want/expect sex that night I'll make it clear - we can watch this but you can't fall asleep right after!

Sometimes this helps, but I would really really like to have a couple nights off from TV. Especially since all the good shows are over until next season!


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Its the 'getting', the 'hunt' that really excites us! Once we have 'caught the prey' its not quite as exciting any more!

Lots and lots of both husbands and wives on here say that sex dwindled after marriage....the 'rat race' is also to blame. 

You marry, buy a house (hopefully!) and start 'nesting'. Unfortunately do to the current climate and our desire for foreign holidays, two cars, weekends away, eating out etc we find that BOTH couples have to work to make ends meet.

So, as the op said, by the time you've had dinenr, cleaned up, chilled out a bit all you want to do is go to bed to....sleep. 

You have both GOT to make the effort to have YOU (plural) time. 
Sod the TV, record that movie...have a shower together, caress, cuddle, kiss.....

If you don't get it right now it will only get worse and lead to resentment....and after a baby arrives....wow!

I wish I could have my time all over again....


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

> agree 100% about TV. it is a trap we've fallen into. Another issue is that our son has been staying up later as well. the routine is he lays on the couch with mom after bathtime to wind down until he falls asleep, while we watch a show or two. Sometimes she'll suggest watching something else.
> 
> If I especially want/expect sex that night I'll make it clear - we can watch this but you can't fall asleep right after!


I used to have so many nights like this. I hated that feeling.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

have you guys cut out TV altogether or do you just allocate some non-TV time?

Sometimes it's about all my wife has energy for, since she works on her feet all day and has a bad knee. I'd say a good 70% of our sex issues are because her job is physically demanding and drains so much of her energy.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The first 7 years of my marriage was like this. I got so sick of it that I almost divorced him. Sex once a week or every other week is not enough for me. Not even close.

I've mostly fixed this now but I still mourn the fact that I never got to be a newlywed. We went straight to the sucky part of marriage where he worked all the time, I got fat and all we did was watch tv.

I hate tv.


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## Mr_brown (Oct 17, 2011)

I like the once every three day rule I read somewhere here on TAM... more than that is a bonus!


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> I've mostly fixed this now but I still mourn the fact that I never got to be a newlywed. We went straight to the sucky part of marriage where he worked all the time, I got fat and all we did was watch tv.


I feel your pain. She was 6 months pregnant when we got married. We work full time, live paycheck to paycheck, and I can count on one hands the number of child-free dates we've had.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I tend to get sleepier sooner than H, and I know sometimes if we watch TV I'm going to want to crash...so:

I also get home sooner than he does and prepare dinner. It's not unusual for me to ask him how hungry he is, and if he's not starving, we have sex before dinner. Then we're happy, we eat dinner, and if I fall asleep during TV or immediately thereafter, no harm done.

If you both want to have sex, you'll find a way.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

@Nader, ouch! (That was a "like" of commiseration, not a like of, well, you know, liking that.)


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

nader said:


> have you guys cut out TV altogether or do you just allocate some non-TV time?
> 
> Sometimes it's about all my wife has energy for, since she works on her feet all day and has a bad knee. I'd say a good 70% of our sex issues are because her job is physically demanding and drains so much of her energy.


I've cut out other hobbies entirely but no, we do watch tv together (prior, I never watched TV). She and the kids enjoy hanging out and watching movies at night. I understand it's what she enjoys so I participate now and she watches for as long as she wants.... but we have talked about our nightly routines. There isn't, "Oh, that was a good movie, but dang I am sooooooo tired now...." We talked about negativity and how she used to make me feel guilty for asking for sex. One of the things she would do, was tell me how "tired" she was (I am usually just as tired as her). Even though she knew I wanted intimacy and was going to ask for it, she would tell me prior to asking that she was "soooo ready for bed". I still asked for time together, she still said ok, but it was already ruined because no matter what I'd feel guilt afterward. Maybe not on purpose, but it bothered me. This guilt is what some spouses do who do not want to say "no" and reject their spouses, but want them to feel guilty enough to reject themselves before they ever ask to spend time. I explained to her how the guilt trips made me resent her, and why say, "I'm tired?" Why not make *us* a part of our nightly routine? It's not a matter of watching 2 movies then going to bed, it's a matter of let's watch one movie, spend time together, then lay and watch another movie while we fall asleep together. Instead of saying, "I'm tired..." why not, "Ok, let's go spend some time together and get to bed." What's the difference? One is positive and made to keep me close, one is negative and made to push me away. I'm going to ask no matter what, but instead of being loving the next day, I am going to resent you for putting your own needs over mine and making me feel guilty for my attraction and urges. 

This was a major change we made. This is our circle. Before we go to bed, we spend time together. We do not always orgasm, but we make it a part of our nightly routine, to be intimate and enjoy each other.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

:lol: I understand lamaga.

the other issue is she is more addicted to our son than to sex with me.

We could *so* do what you just said.. put him in a playpen with toys, the TV on and go at it in another room. 

[TMI alert]
When he was less mobile then he is now we did it in the same room... it got weeeird a few times. It didn't usually work out too well but I appreciate her efforts back then.


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## joshuaty2010 (Feb 6, 2012)

Its enough when doing sex without a love to your partner.


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

My recommendation: go out and buy bicycles...mountain bikes or whichever you feel comfortable with. Get outside, explore your sorroundings, local parks and get out of your comfort zone thats become the television. By doing that you will see an increase in intimate relations.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Get out of the "rut". I avoid that rut at all costs. Because it is easy to get into, and once you do, the "easy, effortless drive" can be hard to pull the wheels out of. Problem is we all love "the rut" to some degree, and it can be really easy to get into. It takes thought, imagination and work to stay out of it...you know, relationship "work". The kind of "work" you did to impress your partner when you first met. I never stop that "work". Always working to keep her interest in me, us, and our sex life at a high level.

I pretty much hold most of the responsability for keeping us out of the rut in our house. Not because she's not interested, but because I think I'm a bit more spontaneous, I fear the rut and recognize it earlier than she does I think, and I'm usually thinking of fun new things to do or try. I just fear "the rut" that much that I see it as my work and responsability to not let it go there. I just took the lead on it. She has no problem following. She also, as a result of all this fun sex play, sometimes takes the lead too. It excites her.

When I feel the rut coming on, I change things up. Quick! Being tired or having house work to do, or the favorite TV show on are really bad reasons for two people to fall into the rut. None of that stuff mattered when we (you) were first dating. You should take time to make it not matter now. What could you possibly do for 5 or 10 minutes that is so important that you can't enjoy having your partner go down on you or visa versa in the middle of the day for no reason?

Someone's gotta take the lead, and the other partner must be willing to let them do so and just "follow". Of course it helps tremendously if both are willing to take the lead from time to time in this.

I'll do things like just stopping what we're doing, and putting her down on the bed or couch and pulling her bottoms off and going down on her. Or right before we head out for dinner, I'll catch her getting ready and initiate a quickie, or put her down and put the remote controlled wireless egg in her before we head out the door. If she is in "rut mode" and resists, I'll say something like "shut up and get ready for some orgasms woman! (jokingly of course, I've NEVER told her to "shut up" outside of play). I'll kiss her passionately whereever, kitchen, stairs, bathroom, etc., and then just start rubbing on her and between her legs. In the middle of cooking dinner or cleaning house. Doesn't matter. If she is TRULY not in the mood, I'll say "okay, but your cute azz better be ready to continue this later!" That gives her the "freedom" or choice if you will of truly not having to have sex if she honestly does not feel like it, but if we are just busy, a little tired, or think we have something "more important" to do, then I push through and we do what is truly important for our relationship...keeping it fresh, exciting and fun.

It is important when the other partner initiates, that one does not whine and complain, "oh come on honey, I've got so much to do right now" or "hey, I was watching this program!". "Really? Too bad. Shut up and let me give you an orgasm woman!" :rofl: If she still does not want to occassionally, well fine, then I go to the "cute azz / later" routine. But if it happens too much, it is time for a talk. No whining, pouting, or anger...but we will have a talk.



As for the "right" frequency of sex? I think a few times a week should be about right. And we'll throw in something spontaneous, NEW and different every week or two. Usually, it is something we'll both like and we'll use that for a while until our next "new thing" we both really enjoy comes along. We've got so many "new, fun things" we do, it is impossible to cycle through them in a month. Positions, places (car, public, kitchen, stairs, etc), toys, porn, new techniques, etc. Our "bag of tricks" is overflowing. There is no boredom. And even as recently, one of my new "tricks" has become her all time favorite thing, and she started to want it every time. Uhm, nope! Not getting in a rut! Gotta change it up. If we had fallen into a rut and not been willing to change things up just for the hell of it, we'd have never found what seemingly gives her the most effortless and amazing orgasms of her life. Different does not always work, and there are "failures" and "okay, that didn't work" type things along the way, but we are not bored! And often times one of these new things is a home run!


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> I'd really like to, but I feel like I want my Husband to initiate more since I don't feel comfortable initiating with him and I'm not really sure why. I have been in quite a few relationships before I met my Husband and I haven't been uncomfortable initiating in any of them really. My Husband hasn't been in any relationships before he met me and I remember he told me I'd have to make the move (kissing him when ready to) on our first date which I did even though I wasn't really comfortable with it. He has initiated many times in the past so he seems to be okay with doing it, but he once told me that he doesn't always realize when I want to have sex. I told him that he can ask me. Lately I haven't really been in the mood for sex, but when I am it seems like my Husband isn't in the mood cuz I let him know that I want to have sex (by telling him) and he doesn't do anything about it. Even if I am not in the mood, I'm still open to my Husband initiating sex to help me get into the mood though. I'd appreciate any input on this.


Going deeper into your situation here....You and hubby are both "in the wrong". He's a man, he should be leading. But if he won't, YOU CAN AND SHOULD! I think it can be a relationship killer for a man not to take the lead a good deal of the time because you will lose attraction for him as a result. By him leading I mean not only initiating, but ALSO and perhaps more importantly  by simply not accepting behavior that is detrimental to the relationship like the woman dismissing sex because she's "too tired or busy" more often than is appropriate. Sometimes, yes, be understanding. That understanding ENDS when it begins to affect the relationship. I personally won't allow it. 

BUT, you also cannot be afraid to take the lead! If you're "not comfortable" with it, TOO BAD WOMAN!  Your sex life is at stake here! Do something about it! And I can see him not wanting to "ask you" if you're ready to have sex. That is just too "business like". And stop "telling him" you want sex! Just do it! Start rubbing on him when you're watching TV or in bed. When he gets excited and worked up, go down on him. When he really gets going, strip off your bottoms and climb on top! Take the lead, because he does not seem to want to. You don't have to be "comfortable" to initiate. That is possibly your "fear of rejection" or old fashioned values "it's the man's job to initiate, a lady does not do that". Push through those thoughts. If he responds favorably, and I can't imagine why he wouldn't, you'll soon not have a single comfort issue remaining with initiating things yourself. If this works (you initiating, being spontaneous, and trying new things), I imagine he's going to find it exciting and it will rattle his cage and rock his world. Then just be prepared for the "are you having an affair" questions when you start this new stuff, because that behavior IS a red flag for that! Just be prepared to talk to him, have a frank and honest (yet fun discussion) and tell him what you've told us, and what you want to try to re-ignite the fire in your sexual relationship. If he doesn't respond to that, send him here and some of us guys can alpha him up a bit for you and educate him on his responsabilities as the person who should be takin the lead in these things!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MrsG13 said:


> My Husband and I usually only have sex about once a week, sometimes once every 2 weeks. We have only been married 7 months so I'm not sure if that's normal or our sex life is in trouble. We have discussed that we both feel we should be having sex more often, but due to our schedules we struggle to find the appropriate time to have sex. We both work daylight hours and we're usually pretty tired right after we get home and we usually cook dinner right away. Then after dinner we settle into a routine of watching tv or a movie it seems and right before we go to bed, we take care of any house work that needs done such as the dishes or the laundry. We haven't really exercised in a long time and we agreed that we would like to begin exercising more often. We just seem to be stuck in a boring everyday routine and I'm not sure how to get out of it. We have already been seeing a therapist together for the past few months, but she doesn't seem to be helping quite enough. It bothers me that I never feel like my Husband and I are newlyweds. We've had trouble with intimacy even before we got married. We have been together for 2 years, but we don't kiss a lot either. I'd really like to, but I feel like I want my Husband to initiate more since I don't feel comfortable initiating with him and I'm not really sure why. I have been in quite a few relationships before I met my Husband and I haven't been uncomfortable initiating in any of them really. My Husband hasn't been in any relationships before he met me and I remember he told me I'd have to make the move (kissing him when ready to) on our first date which I did even though I wasn't really comfortable with it. He has initiated many times in the past so he seems to be okay with doing it, but he once told me that he doesn't always realize when I want to have sex. I told him that he can ask me. Lately I haven't really been in the mood for sex, but when I am it seems like my Husband isn't in the mood cuz I let him know that I want to have sex (by telling him) and he doesn't do anything about it. Even if I am not in the mood, I'm still open to my Husband initiating sex to help me get into the mood though. I'd appreciate any input on this.


It's not the amount of sex you have compared to others that is important ... you have to find what works for BOTH you and your spouse in terms of frequency.

But, it seems that there's an issue with you and your husband in regards to the desirability of having sex together. You both have problems with initiating or knowing when the other wants it.

Have you ever tried loosely scheduling it? Like giving you three days out of the week (say Sun, Mon, Tues) where you get to initate sex on any of those and in any way that you choose. He then gets three days (say Thur, Fri, Sat) where he can initiate sex on any of those days and in any way that he chooses. That way you are up to two times a week, you share initiation, you observe and learn about how each of you go about it and what seems to work best for each of you.

Having a good sexual relationship with your spouse in marriage is very important...but it's not like manna ... it doesn't just fall out of the heavens and everything works great all of the time. Sometimes there are periods when it seems like that, but other times there are periods when you have to both actively engage yourselves, push yourselves a bit, and work at it.

Here's hoping that both you and your husband will take up that mantle and start to push yourselves into improving your sex life together.

Best wishes.


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## Mrs. X (Aug 3, 2012)

Reading your message is like reading my own journal 5 years ago. Please, please, please, try to work on it. If it doesn't work and you are unhappy, GET OUT SOON! I am still married, but very unhappy in this regard. Otherwise, my husband is the most wonderful person, very supportive, caring, loving (just not in a sexual way). We have sex once a week (if I am lucky), only on the weekends. So if it happens that we are busy that weekend, we will go 2 weeks without it. I don't think it's normal, he does. So it really is up to personal preferences. You should talk to your husband and figure out what you both want. If both of you are satisfied with once a week rule, then you are fine, it really is a personal choice. As long as you both happy. Good luck!


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## Mena (Aug 3, 2012)

less than 5 times a week.


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