# Random thoughts and questions about marriage, divorce, and separation



## onelovingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

Here are some random thoughts I've had resently about separation. 
One thIng is I've read many places about writing a letter to your spouse but not sending it. So here is my question. Has anyone actually sent one of these letters, and what was the reaction? I have a letter that I've been writing over the last 8 mts but I dont know if I'll ever send it or not. 

Another question is what is the worst/best situation you've either experienced or her about? You know the ones where things looked impossible, but worked out to something amazing. I ask this because it would give rest of us hope. Im a firm believer in the greater the struggle the greater the victory, but it's nice to hear about when the struggle paid off. I also believe in miracles. 

As I look at where our marriage is possibly heading I think about marriage and how so many ppl say " irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the divorce. Is there really any such thing? I mean we are all adults. We can control our actions, words, thoughts , and many times our emotions. As we control everything else emotions often follow. Don't get me wrong I've paid my time with heartbreak. I've woken up for mts on end feeling panicked. That's when I could sleep. I've cried more then I've ever thought possible. It's just seems that this is such a cop out. Like when ppl say they don't love you anymore. What they are really saying I am choosing not to love you. Love is not just an emotion. It is also a feeling. These days as soon as the butterflies are gone its time to get out. If you want butterflies swallow some caterpillars and wait six weeks. I mean honestly though the butterflies are great but the whole point is ,like ive seen in many reconcilliation stories, you stick around till they come back. Wade Hayes, one of my favorite singers, sin

Another thing is how you can go through a separation and come out stronger then you ever knew. What doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. After all the heart break you discover yourself. Discover that you'll be alright. You can finally focus on yourself. R goes from being something that consumes you to something that would be nice if it happens, but you can live without it. 

My next question kinda contradicts my last statement but here goes. Has anyone ever done the "love dare?" Particularly while separated. What was the result? Was it worth it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onelovingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

onelovingdad said:


> Here are some random thoughts I've had resently about separation.
> One thIng is I've read many places about writing a letter to your spouse but not sending it. So here is my question. Has anyone actually sent one of these letters, and what was the reaction? I have a letter that I've been writing over the last 8 mts but I dont know if I'll ever send it or not.
> 
> Another question is what is the worst/best situation you've either experienced or her about? You know the ones where things looked impossible, but worked out to something amazing. I ask this because it would give rest of us hope. Im a firm believer in the greater the struggle the greater the victory, but it's nice to hear about when the struggle paid off. I also believe in miracles.
> ...


Since in asking the question here is the letter should I send it?


I don't even know why I'm writing this letter.* Maybe I need closure.* IDK.* All I know is even after everything I*still love you.* Prob more then I ever have.* Even though it's too late for us I have to wonder where did* we go wrong.* When did we change from the love that* we had when we first fell in love to where we are now. What was the main cause of that love lost?* Was it one big thing or a bunch of*little things? **I wonder how two ppl who were so much in love could just never seem to get it right. *Instead of constantly showing each other love we argued.* I wonder if we would* have opened our eyes years ago could we have saved it.* If we really looked at our marriage and saw how bad it was making positive steps to repair and determined to work it out would we have succeded.* When you decide that divorce is not an option no matter what then you can focus on things alot clearer.* There is no way out so you've gottta make the best of it.* If we had maybe we would be laying down next to each other tonght instead of being so far apart.* Waking up in each others arms or maybe with a* baby(or two) sleeping between us.* Had we started counseling or at least took some* real hard looks at things we could have found things we needed to fix in our own lives and also in our marriage.* No matter what our feelings* are now* one thing I know for sure is that when we first started out we were very much in love. I honestly don't know how I'm supposed to feel about you now. *Do I love you? Hate you? *Miss you? Wish you were on the other side of the world ? I just don't know. *But one thing I do know. *Something I've heard many times , is that the single most important thing I can do for these girls is to love you. So that's what I plan to do. *From now on not only love, but show love to you. We are going to be in this thing for the rest of our lives. *Whether we ever reconcile or*
not we are these girls parents.
They need to see us show some kind of love to each other. *As much as humanly possible. So here is the ten million dollar question. *How can I as the father of your children show you as the mother of my children love? What can I do for you to show you the love that God would have me show?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

I've started a few of those letters, but never finished them, nor sent them.

There are a few reconciliation situations on TAM. It gives me hope, but everyone is different.

I am highly irritated at the reason behind our separation/pending divorce. I got the ILYBINILWY speech, and this is the 5th time today I've seen that it is because my wife chooses not to love me. She has stated several times that her "love" feeling for me isn't there and she doubts it ever will be. It's sad to know she is not willing to try. No addictions, affairs (until brief EA last summer), arguing or abuse during our marriage. We have been close friends from day one. 

I am forcing myself to accept that she is acting on her own free-will and I have no control over her. I cannot make her love me, no matter what. 

I pray that I survive this. I'm not even looking at being stronger. I just want peace and want the pain to be gone.

I'd be up for the love dare, even though we're separated. Anything. But, it is hard when only 1 party wants to work at the marriage. When only 1 party loves.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

onelovingdad said:


> Here are some random thoughts I've had resently about separation.
> One thIng is I've read many places about writing a letter to your spouse but not sending it. So here is my question. Has anyone actually sent one of these letters, and what was the reaction? I have a letter that I've been writing over the last 8 mts but I dont know if I'll ever send it or not.


Yes. I have over 100 pages worth of letters (I'm verbous) that I wrote in the 44 days it took from when my wife said she was done to the day we signed the divorce papers. It is theraputic, but realize that you are actually writing these letters to an idealized version of your wife, not the actual woman.

If you are planning on writing a letter to her, make if very brief and to the point. Thats the only thing thats going to get through to her now. Don't fill it with a lot of emotion. Indicate that you are moving forward with this new life that you've been forced into. Say what you feel, but don't make it too emotional.

I sent two letters to my wife, both before I found out about her affair. The first was a statement of fact, basically, "I'm accepting this, I'm working on myself, I look forward to seeing you again after we've both had some time apart." And the other was a single question, "I love you, I want to work on this, can you entertain a conversation to that extent?"
I got no response to either. The first I didn't expect, the second I had hoped would force a conversation of some sort. Later in the week that I sent the second letter is when i found out about her affair, so it became clear that she had no interest in answering that one at all.

For you, it may be different. I have no idea. But just tread careful, if you're seperated, then she's pretty well checked out. A letter thats too emotional just shows her that she still has the power.



> As I look at where our marriage is possibly heading I think about marriage and how so many ppl say " irreconcilable differences" as the reason for the divorce. Is there really any such thing?


Yes. If both parties are unwilling to come to the table, then its irreconcilable. Sucks, but its true. If you take one thing from this, no matter what happens, remember this:

*You can't make anyone do anything that they don't want to do.*



> My next question kinda contradicts my last statement but here goes. Has anyone ever done the "love dare?" Particularly while separated. What was the result? Was it worth it?


Never heard of it. Explain.


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

SRN said:


> Yes. I have over 100 pages worth of letters (I'm verbous) that I wrote in the 44 days it took from when my wife said she was done to the day we signed the divorce papers. It is theraputic, but *realize that you are actually writing these letters to an idealized version of your wife, not the actual woman.*
> If you are planning on writing a letter to her, make if very brief and to the point. Thats the only thing thats going to get through to her now. Don't fill it with a lot of emotion. Indicate that you are moving forward with this new life that you've been forced into. Say what you feel, but don't make it too emotional.
> 
> I sent two letters to my wife, both before I found out about her affair. The first was a statement of fact, basically, "I'm accepting this, I'm working on myself, I look forward to seeing you again after we've both had some time apart." And the other was a single question, "I love you, I want to work on this, can you entertain a conversation to that extent?"
> ...




I have an idealized version of my wife that I cling to. When I'm around her however, recent emotions (over the past 2 years) surface and I'm reminded of the misery I felt. She is not the same woman she was 4 years ago.

I want to have a brief conversation with my wife just to gauge where she is and to reiterate where I stand. And, talk to her in a calm way, displaying confidence that I'll be ok, either way.

For far too long in our marriage, neither of us communicated. So, a 180 will be to calmly communicate, rather than to assume.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

Jayb said:


> I am highly irritated at the reason behind our separation/pending divorce. I got the ILYBINILWY speech, and this is the 5th time today I've seen that it is because my wife chooses not to love me. She has stated several times that her "love" feeling for me isn't there and she doubts it ever will be. It's sad to know she is not willing to try. No addictions, affairs (until brief EA last summer), arguing or abuse during our marriage. We have been close friends from day one.
> 
> I am forcing myself to accept that she is acting on her own free-will and I have no control over her. I cannot make her love me, no matter what.
> 
> ...


First off, I am an atheist, but respect those who choose to believe. That said, I'd rather a woman's affection be true and genuine than filtered through religion and God. That's just me.

Jayb - Sounds like we're in the same boat. The love our wives had vanished. Tough to face, but happens. Were you a "nice guy" like I was? I'm not sure I'd be willing to "try anything" at this point in time. When I miss my ex, I realize I miss moments, chunks of what we had and who were were to each other. In my case, I don't know if that would ever come back. I am also really looking forward to meeting someone new who doesn't suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, ya know? I have a lot to offer, and this experience will help make me a much better boyfriend/partner/husband to someone, eventually. I am learning so much about myself, but also how to avoid slipping back into nice guy mode.

onelovingdad - I feel for you. Careful not to fall into the fantasy and false hope of reconciliation (I lived that for weeks). Have you and your wife seen a MC? If so, how did it go? Have you been in contact with her much? Is she showing any signs of even wanting to reconcile?


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> First off, I am an atheist, but respect those who choose to believe. That said, I'd rather a woman's affection be true and genuine than filtered through religion and God. That's just me.
> 
> Jayb - Sounds like we're in the same boat. The love our wives had vanished. Tough to face, but happens. Were you a "nice guy" like I was? I'm not sure I'd be willing to "try anything" at this point in time. When I miss my ex, I realize I miss moments, chunks of what we had and who were were to each other. In my case, I don't know if that would ever come back. I am also really looking forward to meeting someone new who doesn't suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, ya know? I have a lot to offer, and this experience will help make me a much better boyfriend/partner/husband to someone, eventually. I am learning so much about myself, but also how to avoid slipping back into nice guy mode.
> 
> onelovingdad - I feel for you. Careful not to fall into the fantasy and false hope of reconciliation (I lived that for weeks). Have you and your wife seen a MC? If so, how did it go? Have you been in contact with her much? Is she showing any signs of even wanting to reconcile?



Yeah, I'm a nice guy who refused to put my foot down with some of my wife's actions because I did not want to rock the boat. I detested any kind of confrontation, disagreement, etc.

When I think about it, there were plenty of irritating things/habits my wife had. I'd hate to return to that! 

It's hard for me to accept my wife stopped loving me and won't try. Because, if it can happen with us, then it can happen in any future relationship. And right now, I am devestated. Too much pain and hurt.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

There's a thread written by synthetic I believe back in January (maybe) he shared w/ us his letter(s) and the results. I don't know if he has done many updates but if so it's in the reconciliation part of the forum.


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## dazed/confused (Jan 18, 2012)

One living dad: I agree, it really does come down to choices. We do have absolute control over everything that is us. It takes hardcore practice to not react emotionally to others decisions. I'm still very much a rookie btw. But I have asked the same questions you are. We choose the person we want to marry. We choose the date we marry them and in some cases us, as men, actually have some say in that. All joking aside, we get married, choice, and we decide to have children, generally speaking, choice, and when you look back, like all of us have done, we see the choices that were made to get us where we are now, good or bad. Having the benefit of hindsight, we should be capable of learning from that and choosing what is best for us from here on out. Right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onelovingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

SRN said:


> Yes. I have over 100 pages worth of letters (I'm verbous) that I wrote in the 44 days it took from when my wife said she was done to the day we signed the divorce papers. It is theraputic, but realize that you are actually writing these letters to an idealized version of your wife, not the actual woman.
> 
> If you are planning on writing a letter to her, make if very brief and to the point. Thats the only thing thats going to get through to her now. Don't fill it with a lot of emotion. Indicate that you are moving forward with this new life that you've been forced into. Say what you feel, but don't make it too emotional.
> 
> ...



The "Love Dare" is a program that was made famous in the movie Fireproof. Basically you do a different dare everyday for 40 days. Like not saying any thing mean to your spouse, calling them just to see if they need anything, ect. Many of these dares are based on Biblical ideas.


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## onelovingdad (Mar 25, 2012)

dazed/confused said:


> One living dad: I agree, it really does come down to choices. We do have absolute control over everything that is us. It takes hardcore practice to not react emotionally to others decisions. I'm still very much a rookie btw. But I have asked the same questions you are. We choose the person we want to marry. We choose the date we marry them and in some cases us, as men, actually have some say in that. All joking aside, we get married, choice, and we decide to have children, generally speaking, choice, and when you look back, like all of us have done, we see the choices that were made to get us where we are now, good or bad. Having the benefit of hindsight, we should be capable of learning from that and choosing what is best for us from here on out. Right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You would hope that learning from what we go through will give us the info needed to make good decisions here on out, but as humans are inerantly fallible you never know. Although we can't control everything that comes in our lives, we can control how we respond. It's not how you act that matters. It's how you react that makes the differance.


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