# My Journey Towards Marriage Reconciliation



## cisco7931

Day 1 - DECIDE

I am not a professional writer, pastor, or marriage councillor, you will see it with how I write this blog (or post depending on where you read this). 

I am just a man, a friend, a son, a father, and more importantly, a husband going through marriage separation. Today is the 43rd day that my wife of almost 6 years (few months short of), finally decided to part ways for good. There was no third party involved, no abuse, no in-law problem. It was just "us" having differences that we failed to work out for the last 6 years. A killer of communication break down has plagued us, and I never saw this coming.

My journey alone these past weeks have been anything but nice. I've tried to have fun, I've tried to find myself, I've tried to meet new people, but it has always been in vain. I have always felt empty. But one thing is for certain, I have made peace with my friends and more importantly, with the Lord. My friends, and some new ones, have been with me all the way. Guiding me and comforting me in this probably, by far, the worst stage of my life. Best of all, this has brought me closer to family, both mine and hers and made me realize what kind of fool I have been to neglect her family all these years. I have not been a good son-in-law and brother-in-law to begin with, but I am making huge improvements on how I deal with my life now that I have been awakened from that bad part of my life. 

Yesterday, fathers day 2011, I have decided to move back home to my in-laws, where my wife and daughter are staying. I have been praying long and hard to the Lord for a sign, a sign that I need to fight for this with all my heart, and a sign that this will be all worth the pain. My wife's sister sent me an SMS early morning, saying that my 5year old daughter wrote me a letter for fathers day. I cried for hours, thinking that I have been a fool taking all the time in the world wollowing over the pain, and thinking that things will change on its own.

It was wrong. I needed to decide, I needed to stand up and fight for my marriage. I needed to serve my wife, my daughter, and her family the way I have promised when we got married September 24, 2005. I am not expecting that my wife will welcome me with open arms, on the contrary she gave me that usual cold treatment via SMS when she found out I was staying.



I am expecting that this journey will be the most painful, most heart-breaking and insulting journey I will embark on. But I am ready, for I have DECIDED that my marriage is the most important thing in this world. No pain emotional pain can kill me, but loosing my wife forever would definitely do. 



Yesterday's Fathers Day Church Homily (Catholic) hit my heart like a sword: We are not asked to understand, we are asked to Believe. God has a purpose for these things to happen, whether this will make us a better person separately, or will make our marriage the best that it has ever been, one thing is for certain. I do not need to understand why my wife is so cold, and so angry, and so happy that we have been separated. I am asked by the Lord to Believe that His ways, His plans, and His time is always right. 



Please check-in again tomorrow as I write these series of blogs/post every weekday until this is finally over, your comments and feedback are more than welcome. I hope that with the help of the internet and this site, I am able to help other people going through the same trouble I am, and find inspiration in each other.


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## anx

It will be a long journey. I made a similar promise to myself that I vowed for better or worse with my wife. Even when it was VERY hard and I felt like I was being treated like garbage, I gave it 100%. You'll both mess up, hurt eachother, be short with one another, etc, but it is possible to fix things. It does take two people giving it 100%, not 95%.

Best of luck and God bless. Personally, I suggest you read or reread James and 1 Peter. They are short and speak to perseverance.


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## cisco7931

Day 2 - PAINS

A few minutes after I posted Day 1, I received an SMS from my wife. I happen to move back in just to be with our daughter, send her off to school in the morning and help with her school work in the afternoon. My wife did not want me back, and threatened to move out if I didn't. I spoke to my in-law and cried my heart out to her. I told my 5yr old daughter that daddy won't be working from her home. She just asked innocently, "is that a joke dad?". A tear fell from my eye as I hugged her tight and made her breakfast. 

I guess now isn't the right time. She hates me too much, all for our communication break-down and a lot of people knowing what happened to us. Partly because of me, but also partly because of her Facebook posts and removing my last name from her FB. 

Today I decide to be happy, most of the research I made came out as "Improve yourself, dont be needy, dont beg, have fun". I love her, with all my heart, but I can't keep on wallowing over my depression for long. I have already developed Gall Stones one day after we separated, and now it has been worse. 

I have given her up to God. She did tell her parents that she went to church to hear mass after work, but told me that no divine intervention will ever change her mind. 

I don't think so, God is stronger than anyone and anything in this world. She may have free-will, but I will never stop serving her, my daughter and her family because I know it is the right thing to do. 

Maybe I need to move on now, have fun, be with other people. I deserve to be happy, so does she. In time, she will realize that her job isn't as fulfilling without family. She will soon come crashing down, and I will make sure that I will be there to catch her fall. 

Until tomorrow...


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## anx

What you are going through doesn't have too much to do with her job. It might be a catalyst, but the issues where very much there before she got this new job. I very much doubt a crash. Your best hope is to slowly rebuild love over the next 2 years of hard work.

Pray for yourself as much as your wife, you will both have to seriously change for this to work.

If possible, stay in the same house but give you wife miles of space, but make it clear you want to work on this when she is ready. Being in her face and trying to force something before she is ready for it will only harden her position, anger, and heart.

You do need to find happiness in yourself before the r will work. Being sad, mad, or anything else won't help.

She is right that she has free will and has to decide to love you. That will be a very slow process and will only really be possible after she sees a reason to be with you and very slowly works through her anger. Right now she sees little reason to be with you and a whole lot of anger. I agree that serving her and sacrificial love is the only thing you can do right now. Trying to communicate and "fix" stuff won't go well.

Best of luck and God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

@ Anx - Thank you for patiently responding to my posts. I am dead-set on reconciling this marriage but I know that this isn't going to be easy at all. 

She doesn't want me in their house right now, despite the fact that my in-laws want me to be there. Not sure where to go from here but I wont be able to let her see the changes in me if i'm away. And it kills me that I miss my daughter everyday. 

We do text for business reasons, just now, I texted her telling her how much I miss and still truly love her more now that were apart. And said that I will be picking up our daughter this weekend. 

The 2 years you mentioned bothers me, I know it will take a while but certainly hope not that long. Dont get me wrong, I will wait and I will remain steadfast on loving her regardless if she reciprocates or not. 

I will be going to the mountains next week, there is a church near our area in the Philippines where people have told me they have found peace.

One question I have, how can I make her realize she needs to go into counselling?


Day 3 will be posted shortly...


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## cisco7931

DAY 3 - LOVE

I dreamed of her today, and woke up with a smile but an empty feeling. She doesn't really contact me that much, the most was a text every week to ask about stuff concerning either her phone line or money. 

I can't really control her happiness, for all I know she is happy where she is right now and not feeling this emptiness at all, while I sit here trying to find what happiness means. I sent her the most heartfelt text I have ever sent: That I am thinking of her, and I love her more. And I hope she can find a space in her heart to forgive me. And that I hate the fact that she has to commute and brave the rain now when she goes to work

Next week, i'll go back to the gym. I haven't been in one since we got married, I guess I focused all my attention to my family and totally forgot about myself. 

A friend (the ex I dumped for my wife) has been my confidante and companion since this started. I try to be careful with what happens between us but I must admit things have gotten out of hand lately. 

I miss my daughter. Thats what kills me most. She gets to spend all the time with her after work while I can only see her a few hours a week. It kills me, and I dont think I (or we for that matter) is ready to see what impact this will have on her. 

I have been frequenting the church lately, before I go to work, and after I go to work. And have asked the Lord for guidance, and more importantly, happiness. So far, it has been in vain. My sadness hasn't improved at all. primarily because I do not know how to live without my family. For the past 6 years, they have been with me. And now, I'm alone. 

But God is my saviour, He will give me peace. Happiness I know is a choice, and now its kind of difficult to make a choice while the pain lingers in me.


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## anx

It will be 2 years till everything is good if it works out. 6 months would be pretty solid improvement and a year you could probably expect fun dates and stuff. It took 6 years to break everything to this point, there won't be a quick fix. 



> One question I have, how can I make her realize she needs to go into counselling?


 Nothing. Nothing you do can convince or change her mind of anything she is set on. She will have to find that for herself. It sucks A TON. Things coming from you right now mean little to nothing and pushing her in any direction will harden her heart and solidify her position. Prayer is really all you can do along side serving her and your daughter.

The gym is a great idea. 

You need to cut contact with your ex. 100 % no contact. There are sample no contact letters online. If not that, then you need to set VERY clear boundaries. You vowed for better or worse. Its the same vow you are hoping your wife will follow. Unless you follow it, there is no hope. If your wife finds out that anything slightly inappropriate went on and you confinded deeply in another woman, its really over. Women are more emotionally driven and if you are finding your emotional connection with an ex its as close to cheating as possible.

The pain and loneliness is killer. I've been there and am there now. I'm on antidepressants and they have helped a ton. You wife is going to feel loneliness, but from what I know, a lot less than you.

This will be the hardest thing you'll ever do. It will be an emotional torturous marathon at times. It will be a mindf*ck. Its worth it if you repair your marriage. Marriages that do repair are some of the happiest. The people now KNOW what the other person is worth and focused on. 

a few verses for you that helped me

Philippians 4:4-10


> 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
> 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.


 The command is Rejoice in the Lord always. Not just when things are good.

2 Peter 3:8-9


> 8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.


Job 1:20-22


> 20 At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship 21 and said:
> 
> “Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
> and naked I will depart.[c]
> The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
> may the name of the LORD be praised.”
> 
> 22 In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.


Note that he praises God. Its absurdly hard to do where you are at.

Proverbs 3:5-6 (the whole chapter is good)


> 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
> and lean not on your own understanding;
> 6 in all your ways submit to him,
> and he will make your paths straight.


Finally, this one called me to serious prayer
Joel 2:12-15 (13-32 is relevant)


> 12 “Even now,” declares the LORD,
> “return to me with all your heart,
> with fasting and weeping and mourning.”
> 13 Rend your heart
> and not your garments.
> Return to the LORD your God,
> for he is gracious and compassionate,
> slow to anger and abounding in love,
> and he relents from sending calamity.


Also, James and 1 Peter talk a lot about perseverance through hardship. they are short reads and I suggest you read that if you haven't recently.

I wish you the best and God bless. I certainly do not know all the answers, but I'll keep and eye on your posts and am rooting for you. I've learned a lot from reading books, forum posts, prayer, and MC/IC.

You will learn what the patient part of love truly means. In prayer, keep an open ear to God. Listen as much as you talk. So often, in our prayer to change someone else, God points the finger back at your own issues.


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## cisco7931

> You will learn what the patient part of love truly means. In prayer, keep an open ear to God. Listen as much as you talk. So often, in our prayer to change someone else, God points the finger back at your own issues.


This is definitely true sir! I have realized a lot of stuff in my life needs fixing, but the problem is I do not know where and how to start. I hope my solitude in one of the churches in the mountains here in the Philippines would help. I already made plans to go there alone next week. 

I guess I am unable to live alone with this problem really, well, at least at this stage. I need someone to be with to get me out of my loneliness, and apparently, my ex has been providing that. I have set clear boundaries like what you said, and so far its turning out OK. 

My in-laws, family and everyone of our common friends are all rooting for us to reunite, but I guess her heart is so hardened right now that none of it matters to her. She did respond to the text I posted above with: "Dont keep pushing what is not possible. Being pushy only makes things worse."

With that, here is how I analyze it: She doesn't want to fix this so back off (is that a pretty fair assumption?)

Thank you for keeping an eye for my post, I do not intend to stop posting our story and my/our progress at all. I intend to inspire others just like you. 

I guess my million-dollar question is: How can a hardened heart be opened? Sacrificial love? Unconditional Love? Space? Time? Understanding? Change on my part? 

I have read your biography, how I wish I have at least some of your progress. But I guess its too early to see that in my relationship. Its only been 2 months. Im looking forward to the time we go out on dates though, I know by that time she will slowly see a different me...


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## anx

> I have realized a lot of stuff in my life needs fixing, but the problem is I do not know where and how to start.


 Books, and MC/IC, and prayer like you've never prayed before, and an open heart towards God. He is the great counselor and the only one that can counsel you and your wife back together. 



> I need someone to be with to get me out of my loneliness, and apparently, my ex has been providing that.


 I know what you mean. I really didn't understand HOW much I needed that companionship with my wife. It hurts. Its physically painful to be alone from the people you love.



> but I guess her heart is so hardened right now that none of it matters to her. She did respond to the text I posted above with: "Dont keep pushing what is not possible. Being pushy only makes things worse."
> 
> With that, here is how I analyze it: She doesn't want to fix this so back off (is that a pretty fair assumption?)


 Not doesn't matter. It does matter, but the timeline is much longer than you want it to be. You had a very quick realization in the past two months. The one your wife would potentially have till take a lot longer than that. She has a lot of hurt to work through, and that takes a lot more time. She is right. You cannot push towards this. Again, it will only harden her heart more. Only God can bring her back, and his ways are not our own. It will take a lot of time. You need to pray for him to help. Yes, your assumption is right. Give her TONS of space. Until she decides she wants to work on it, you are only hurting things by pushing.

You said in another post that she txted you that God can make impossible love happen. She is right. You cannot do that or force that, only God can. Wait for him while you honor your covenant with your wife.



> I guess my million-dollar question is: How can a hardened heart be opened? Sacrificial love? Unconditional Love? Space? Time? Understanding? Change on my part?


 Yes, you have it right, all of these.



> Its only been 2 months. Im looking forward to the time we go out on dates though, I know by that time she will slowly see a different me...


 Its been even less time that you've reconnected and said you wanted to fix these things.



> How can women's heart be so hardened if we didn't have a "hell" relationship? No abuse, no nothing. Its just lack of communication and "she just got tired of me"...
> 
> Is the cliche still true that she doesnt mean everything that she says and her pride and selfishness is getting the better of her?


 You said this in another post. Without abuse and cheating, the only thing left is emotions. Emotions drive a woman. They are her life and how she sees the world. Look up emotional abuse, and even if you didn't intend to do any of those things, its how its received on the other end that matters. 

God Bless and best of luck. I really thing the best thing you can do is be open to a relationship, but NOT PUSHY AT ALL. Not even the hint of pushy. I know with all the hurt that's almost impossible. The hurt pushes you and you in turn want to say or do something to fix this as fast as possible. Wait for her. Tell her that when or if she is ready you'll do whatever it takes. You can start MC or IC too and that may help her slowly open up. I highly suggest it anyways because you will need it for either this relationship or your next one. Truly figure out what the issues were and how to do it better. Serve your wife and daughter. Wait for God. Pray hard like you've never prayed before.

Finally, I found this gem in Isaiah 57:14-21


> 14 And it will be said:
> “Build up, build up, prepare the road!
> Remove the obstacles out of the way of my people.”
> 15 For this is what the high and exalted One says—
> he who lives forever, whose name is holy:
> “I live in a high and holy place,
> but also with the one who is contrite and lowly in spirit,
> to revive the spirit of the lowly
> and to revive the heart of the contrite.
> 16 I will not accuse them forever,
> nor will I always be angry,
> for then they would faint away because of me—
> the very people I have created.
> 17 I was enraged by their sinful greed;
> I punished them, and hid my face in anger,
> yet they kept on in their willful ways.
> 18 I have seen their ways, but I will heal them;
> I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners,
> 19 creating praise on their lips.
> Peace, peace, to those far and near,”
> says the LORD. “And I will heal them.”
> 20 But the wicked are like the tossing sea,
> which cannot rest,
> whose waves cast up mire and mud.
> 21 “There is no peace,” says my God, “for the wicked.”


 Contrite means repentant. Make your heart repentant and lowly and only then will you be able to change into the man that your wife can love. An arrogant or angry heart cannot learn. Pray for yourself as much or more than for your wife.


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## Dedicated2Her

ANX has some really good advice here, CISCO. I would add one thing: Go out and get "How to Win Your Wife Back Before It's Too Late" by Gary Smalley. God heals marriages in years, not months or days. You have to be willing to let her go so God can work in her. She has to become broken so HE can clean her out and rebuild her. The brokenness takes a lot of time, and you have nothing to do with it. The two terms you should really seek to understand are "servant leadership" and "death to self". 

Read Romans 6 1:7 every day and meditate on it. Sit on it and listen for the voice of God. You MUST be changed. Don't hide ANY rooms in your heart! 

Pray, pray, pray, for her to die to her flesh. To die to herself that she may walk in the resurrection. Pray this for BOTH of you. LET GO OF THE EX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Find a male mentor to help encourage you when things get tough.


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## cisco7931

> You said in another post that she txted you that God can make impossible love happen


What she said was not even divine intervention can do anything to fix this. She said that after she went to church, not sure what she prayed for or why she was there. But I guess that is between her and God... that I have to respect. 

Avoiding being pushy is kinda hard, I'm sure you know that. But we have made good improvements in the last month. She no longer says hurtful things to me. Probably because I backed off a little. Its just our finances that is troubling me now. I am already living beyond my means since im paying for all of our kids expenses and her salary is all for her to spend where ever she wants to. I would have sacrificed that anytime, but I could not sustain my finances anymore and had to ask her to reconsider the split in expenses. She hasnt replied yet, well see how that goes. 

@Dedicated - Thanks for jumping in here as well. I have been praying like I never had in the past 11 years (I did have my problems with God when my Mom died 11 years ago, but have asked for His forgiveness). 

When I do pray, I thank the Lord for giving me this problem, for me to realize that I am broken and I need to get fixed. 

I have been saying this to myself since this started: In the silence of my heart, God speaks. I've had numerous realizations myself when I'm alone. I'm also going into IC, with a priest and with an MC to get me by... 



> You have to be willing to let her go so God can work in her. She has to become broken so HE can clean her out and rebuild her.


Thanks for saying this, a lot of my friends have been saying this to me too. 


Day 3 will be posted shortly...


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## Dedicated2Her

> @Dedicated - Thanks for jumping in here as well. I have been praying like I never had in the past 11 years (I did have my problems with God when my Mom died 11 years ago, but have asked for His forgiveness).


When you pray, how much of it is you speaking?


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## cisco7931

> When you pray, how much of it is you speaking?


Not sure what you mean by this.


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## Dedicated2Her

> Not sure what you mean by this.


Are you speaking the whole time during prayer time, or are you quiet? What percentage of the time are you listening for the voice of God and what percentage are you telling him things?


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## anx

You need to listen to God in prayer. You suggested you do this. Keep it up. God whispers to us. Meditate on him and his word. Be open to his leading and not your will. Very rarely does God give us a giant sign or yell at us. There are many examples of this in the bible. The people he does give large signs to like Paul suffer greatly for their faith and need huge signs to carry them through their ministry.

We are given free will and God respects that in a way and allows us to ignore his whispers and make our own mistakes. Faith requires a quite heart open to God empty of selfish wills. Faith is hard. Human will is to fulfill selfish desires. Gods will often for us to serve others and put yourself second. It wouldn't be faith if it we didn't have to purposefully quite yourself and listen. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> Are you speaking the whole time during prayer time, or are you quiet? What percentage of the time are you listening for the voice of God and what percentage are you telling him things?


Its probably 80% speaking (thanking him, asking for guidance and prayer for protection and deliverance for my wife). The other 20%, I just keep quiet and don't know what to say. 

I guess I know what you and anx are driving at. Listen to God, and not force what I want to happen... I do pray for my wife though, that He touches her heart and relieve it of anger and selfishness and to open her eyes to the repercussions of her decisions.


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## cisco7931

DAY 3 - LONELY BUT MOVING ON

How I wish all the pain will just go away. If only our hearts and minds have an on/off switch I would have paid any amount to get that feature. 

I guess at this stage, I am better than our first month (today is our 46th day separated). Mostly it was because of friends I survived, both our families have been supportive as well. And more importantly, my Faith has been keeping me warm all these days. 

This has been an emotional roller-coaster ride and I feel like I'm going insane. I am no longer entertaining the fact that one person is flirting with my wife (the reason for our arguments over text messages she deletes), but I must say that that thought still creeps at times. 

I am setting a meeting with a priest in the coming days, and plan to solitude in a church for a few hours next week. I don't feel whole yet, and me being apart from my daughter isn't helping. 

How I wish I can find comfort in silence, but that isn't me. I need to be around people to be happy. The past 6 years of my life with my wife (mostly) and daughter have been the best, but have realized lately that I wasn't really happy about the marriage too. My needs weren't fulfilled, but chose to hold on because I love my family. 

I haven't worn my ring for the past few days, pretty much after she threw me out of the house again. I am getting used to it, but my hands feel so empty without it. 

Finances have been troubling me these past few days. I don't understand why she has to make it too difficult to at least share with our daughters expenses, its not that she is totally single now. She is the Mommy of my daughter and she could at least share with the expenses. 

I am having difficulty finding happiness, but I'm on my way. The other day I prayed before going to work, that He helps me move on and be happy. I was. Yesterday. It felt good. I know God is on our side, and No Man or Problem can come between God's Will. 

He will make this better in His time, He will fix the broken "me", and He will mend my wife's broken heart. 

I love her, more than I ever have in the past 6 years now that were apart.... I miss her terribly....


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## anx

Sound right. I'm guessing that you see in yourself either now or in the past the same bad decisions, anger, and selfishness that you are hoping your wife will see. I definitely can look back and see how negatively those to things from BOTH my wife and I negatively directed our marriage.

We may be coming off as telling you that you are wrong. There is a lot you'll have to change in yourself and its the same process we went through. Don't take what we are saying as mean. It's very difficult and neither my or d2h's story is yet finished, but they have both greatly improved.

I agree with you last post as well. Loneliness and sadness is hard. I love my wife more than I ever have. It can get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> We may be coming off as telling you that you are wrong. There is a lot you'll have to change in yourself and its the same process we went through. Don't take what we are saying as mean. It's very difficult and neither my or d2h's story is yet finished, but they have both greatly improved.


I'm willing to take any feedback you or anyone here can give. I now realized I am far from being a perfect partner (I thought I was the weeks after we separated). 

I'm hoping ours can improve as well. I have been nice to her for almost a month now, regardless of what she says. Its just difficult to prove and make her see i'm changing if she doesn't even want to see me. 

BTW - Why is she trying to avoid me like a plague? If I'm home to visit, she wants (take note, needs) to go out. My feeling is she isn't ready to see me at all coz she might be too afraid to face that she still, at least feels something for me. Could that be the case or is there another explanation to this? She told our friends that she wants to avoid us clashing, she wants to avoid conflict. But SHE is in conflict with me, I haven't said anything bad via text for quite some time now and I'm certain that she noticed that. 

Care to enlighten or at least share your perspective on that?


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## Dedicated2Her

First off, cisco, prayer is 95% listening. 95%. Hard to do and develop, but you MUST. Meditate on the word of God. Romans 6: 1-7. Stay in it.



> BTW - Why is she trying to avoid me like a plague? If I'm home to visit, she wants (take note, needs) to go out. My feeling is she isn't ready to see me at all coz she might be too afraid to face that she still, at least feels something for me. Could that be the case or is there another explanation to this? She told our friends that she wants to avoid us clashing, she wants to avoid conflict. But SHE is in conflict with me, I haven't said anything bad via text for quite some time now and I'm certain that she noticed that.
> 
> Care to enlighten or at least share your perspective on that?


My perspective is not to analyze it. It's not good for you to try and "figure" her out. It only leads to fear. Fear then leads you to act out of your flesh. You don't act out of the true you that God is creating. Relax. Focus on YOU. The old emotional connection must be broken. Then, you can start to truly develop. Keep in mind, where light exists, darkness cannot. If you are truly walking in the light, she will avoid you. She is not running from you. She is running from God. Let it go. That is HIS job. Pray that she dies to her self or her flesh. Focus on becoming the man God called you to be. That is your path out of this and your path to a life filled with God's purpose.


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## anx

Your wife has a ton of build up anger resentment some unhappiness built up around you. It's the same reason you left for a few months. The only way she will work through that is the same way you did. Space and time. You need to respect that. If your wife was bugging you while you were refinding your love for her and faith you would hqve pushed her away and hardened your heart.

Conflict is part of that too. She is so mad at you that you probably can't spend any time together without hurt and fighting. 

The best thing you can do is give her space until she initiates contact. If she comes home and you are thee, say that you can leave and she can stay and you'll be back later and go to bed. Unless she wants to leave than you can stay.

Basically she isn't willing to work through the anger and hurt yet and when you are around that anger and hurt is right in her face.

Space, time, prayer, and service are your best friends. I know you just want to talk and work things out with the woman you love. It's not yet time for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

@D2H - I didnt realize prayer was almost all silence and listening to God... Thank you.  Does that mean though that if I just focus on me to improve, I will let her be and not "try" to do something for her? That pretty much means I'll let her go, right? Sorry, I don't get that part... 

@anx - I don't get your first paragraph, my wife has done so many things that I didn't like, primarily because she doesn't reciprocate my love and not meet my needs, but that will not ever be my reason to leave her, and if I do, and if she comes back to me asking for forgiveness, I would not throw her away... Because I love her. But I guess that is me, and "me" isn't her, right? 

So I guess she knows that the conflict is with her, not with me right? Coz I am tired of arguing and I don't intend to argue anymore (I raised the white flag a long time ago). So thats the reason why she doesnt want to see me huh? 



> I know you just want to talk and work things out with the woman you love. It's not yet time for that.


I'm just afraid that time isn't on our side, and it might be too late. No one knows what will happen to either of us tomorrow, I may not wake up tomorrow or what not (*knock on wood)

Sorry guys if I come out too stubborn, but please know that I am taking your advise at heart. Its funny that what both of you are saying are almost the same things the priest and my MC has been telling me.  Thank you.


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## anx

The issue isn't your hurt and anger its your wife's. She was also unhappy for reasons. Do you know what they are or how unhappy is is or was. chances are you both had unmeet needs and got anger and coldness back from the other person.

The conflict is sort of with her, but much if the reason its there is because of your actions, anger, not recipricationg love, etc.

I think your wife and you probably had the exact same complaints about the other person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> is because of your actions, anger, not recipricationg love, etc.


This is absolutely true, you do not know us but what you said is what is happening. She knows I am no longer happy, I told her numerous times, with how our marriage is going. She couldn't change to meet my needs. She tried, but never failed to disappoint me. (I've said these hurtful words to her a few months ago: "You never fail to disappoint me", now I know that was like a spear to her heart)  The trouble is, I am changing, I am accepting what she can offer and loving her regardless if she reciprocates or not. And then this happened.  Sad really... I was doing my version of a 180... Loving her despite her flaws, giving more even if she can barely give a little... But then we separated... Too bad...

I made a list of "Love" things I would do, from saying I love you more than 10 random times a day, to brushing her hair at night, to having good intimate moments at least once a month... I was able to cross-out at least a quarter of that list a few weeks before we separated... How I wish I can continue doing that... But now its way different... The list I need to make would be more complex now that were apart... But I will do it anyway... I will focus on our daughter and her family.. loving them, serving them in ways she would have wanted me to.


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## Dedicated2Her

> I will let her be and not "try" to do something for her? That pretty much means I'll let her go, right?


Yes. Let her go. You are supposed to love your wife as Christ loves the church right? Let her stumble. Let her go her own way. Embrace her when she returns. Of course, help her if she needs it. Just by doing things she needs done. 



> I made a list of "Love" things I would do, from saying I love you more than 10 random times a day, to brushing her hair at night, to having good intimate moments at least once a month... I was able to cross-out at least a quarter of that list a few weeks before we separated... How I wish I can continue doing that...


Wow. This is good, but only once you start to reconnect. These actions probably made her feel smothered and put pressure on her to reciprocate. I know because I had the same thing. However, I caught myself before seperation.



> The trouble is, I am changing, I am accepting what she can offer and loving her regardless if she reciprocates or not. And then this happened.


Yes, the way you view the relationship and how you express your love is changing. However, there is a MUCH deeper process to go through. It requires you to become a whole individual, secure in Christ. Then, and only then, can you start to reconnect with her. Hopefully, she becomes broken and starts her process while you go through yours.


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## cisco7931

> Wow. This is good, but only once you start to reconnect. These actions probably made her feel smothered and put pressure on her to reciprocate. I know because I had the same thing. However, I caught myself before seperation.


This is really getting creepy, you guys seem to have been in the same place we were in... That was one of the things she mentioned when she noticed these changes: Pressured.... 

Thanks to you and anx, I'm at least able to look things at a different perspective. People have been telling me this before, but there are into our situation since they are common friends and they also tend to have their own opinion on things. These coming from strangers mean something else.


(Day 4 will be on Monday, I am off from work tomorrow...)


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## broken1

Good advice from these guys Cisco. Don't waiver. Be consistent. Also in the exact same place. Well, a couple months further into it. My biggest mistake was not coming here until 2 months of separation had passed. LOTS of damage already done at that point. I thought i knew how to handle things on my own. Clearly I didn't or I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. Implement this stuff immediately and you'll be in MUCH better shape than I am right now.


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## anx

"You never fail to disappoint me"

If you haven't apologized for this many times you need to. I would say it over and over and over again. That is so hurtful. It probably proved to her that you cannot be a good husband and crystallized her feelings.

Be humble to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## zsu234

Cisco

She is exhibiting textbook behavior for being in an affair. You just haven't found the POSOM yet.


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## MyTwoGirls

I agree there is probably another man in her life..what you need to start doing quickly if you want any chance of improving yourself is to quit wallowing in those sorrowful thoughts you are in and the family isn't helping one bit by encouraging those feelings. It isn't going to change how she feels so you need to work on yourself for you and your child and NOT HER..Once you do that and forget about her you can finally start the slow progression forward in your future. The worst thing you are doing is dwelling night and day on the 'feeling sorry for yourself' attitude. You need to start thinking positively about your future and planning on a life without her. If she comes back she comes back. If she doesn't then you will have a head start on already moving on.


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## cisco7931

Ok - I'm back, whew, that was a pretty long weekend. 

@zsu & mytwogirls - I somehow agree to what each of you are saying, I'm not sure if you have read my other threads, or if I have mentioned this here at all: It wouldn't matter if she is in another relationship now with someone else. I value the covenant I made with her 6 years ago (regardless if she does or not). I will be improving myself so that I will be able to serve her and our daughter more in the years to come. If she comes to her senses, and accepts that she has been (or not) in a relationship, I will still be here to accept her in our lives, better than ever. The promise I made to her when I married her is something I will keep as long as I'm still breathing.


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## cisco7931

DAY 5-7 - FAITH

The last three days have been nothing but beauty. Last Saturday, her entire family and I (w/o her) went to a relative's wedding. My daughter was on my lap as they walked down the aisle. I started telling stories about our wedding to her, since she had soo many questions. 

My 5yr old then asked, "Who will I marry daddy?" I told her we dont know yet, you havent met him yet but when you do, make sure you both love each other no matter what. She added: "Can I marry you daddy?" I felt something in my throat but I chose to ignore it, I didn't want to see my cry. I just told her, "No, someone better than daddy will come to your life when you grow up." Such a joyous day for us. 

Then came Sunday. That was pretty hard for me to get by since I only spent a few hours with my daughter the day before and I chose to be alone today. I went to Church and texted the priest who has councelled me before. He is running a home for the abandoned elderly. I brought some snacks for the old folks on my way. I asked the priest: How do you get by with just faith? The government doesn't fund this place, nor does the church. So how do you buy medicines, pay for the caretakers wages, and feed these 20 elderly? His answer:God Provides. 

Very powerful, and he said God has never left these folks hungry. Not one day. 

I asked: "How can I have full trust in the Lord that me and my wife will get together someday?" He replied: Just have faith, no questions asked, no nothing. Just put your whole heart in that faith and He will Provide. 

A few minutes after that conversation, someone knocked on the door. An old lady with a tray full of food. I guess its time for Siesta (afternoon snacks). Then, right in front of me, I saw God's Providence: The snacks I brought, and the food the old lady just came by with, are now being served to these homeless, sick, and abandoned elders. 

Powerful. I left the place with a huge smile on my face, that God Does Provide, as long as we have our whole heart to him. In Faith. 

He too can heal my marriage, not in my time, but in His. I am having a hard time giving Him my full trust, somehow I still want to play a role, I still want to control how this marriage can be healed. In time, I will realize that none of these are within my, or anyone else's control. I will do what I have to do, I will serve my family, I will serve and love my daughter, I will make sure she knows I am always here for her. I will start running, go back to the gym, get a life insurance for myself, while I Trust God will Heal her, God Will Provide. 

Until tomorrow folks!


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## anx

Very cool.

For me I've had times where I'm living in trust, and its easy to fall away when hurting and sad. 

I recently heard a pretty cool sermon on a story I've seen many times. When peter walked on water after Jesus he only started to sink when he looked away and was afraid. In the mist of a miracle he doubts. It's silly to think about, he is already walking on water. How can he doubt. It's human nature. It's a great analogy. You will hurt but your focus needs to be fixed on God and fixing this. You will be angry, mad, frustrated, or resentful. Refocus and get back on the path.

Best of luck and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

@anx - In your case, your wife have made huge improvements on your troubled marriage... May I ask, how this happened? I know we both have different stories to tell and reasons for the separation. 

In my case, I am seeing a slight improvement, primarily on my part. We dont argue via text anymore, because I dont react to what she says... What else can be done to bring her back? 

I now see that Trust in the Lord, and trust that my wife will come to her senses is something I have to rediscover... I dont know how, but I need to work on that...


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## anx

Find what does work and did work and do that. Fix the broken stuff, not fighting is a big part of that. 

Your wife needs to want to work on it. Some amount of connection is just there and when you hang out she'll be somewhat connected if the bad stuff isn't there.

It's just a slow process. Slow improvement over months add up.

Do nice or thoughtful things. You won't see any immediate improvement. She may not like gifts, but small thoughtful things do matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Hmmm.... Our last issue now is the amount of money I give to her and our daughter monthly. 

I asked that I try to cut down on what I give (heck, how can I improve myself if I dont even have money for Gas?). She agreed but wanted me to work on it so that it will go back to what we initially "agreed" to ("agreed" coz I wasnt in the right frame of mind when we were calculating, yes, it was on that night).

One of the other reasons I wanted to cut on the support is for me to have money to buy myself a life insurance, for them. I wanted to guarantee them support even after i'm gone, and I don't have any intentions of letting her know (well, probably im gonna give the Policy copy as a gift on her birthday).

What do you guys think, go back to the "agreed" amount, or cut it and get that Insurance?


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## anx

There will be a ton of these. Find a compromise if at all possible. No one wins if you barely have money to live but can't see the daughter you are paying so much to support. She agreed to the temporary cut and you can potentially start repairing things in the mean time.

An agreement in that state of mind doesn't make sense or is fair for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

DAY 8 - PEACE

Wow, today was the first day in this 51-day separation (to date) that I wasn't worried or thinking of our problem at all. What a relief! I guess its one of those things that separated people go through.. exactly as it is... Separated from the problem. 

Today I spoke to her mom, just wanting to say Hi but mostly I wanted to confirm where my money is going. And she did confirm that her family is only getting 1500 of the 6000 (our currency) that we have allotted for them. Not sure where the others are going but I am definitely not happy about it. Next month, I will just give what is due and I will give only what is needed for my daughter. I dont want to end up paying for her change in lifestyle at all. 

Today, a friend, the same folks who comforted me when I had this problem initially needed my help. They too, are on the verge of separation, and I have vowed that I will do anything I can to salvage their relationship. I have spoken to the woman today, telling her wonderful things about Love, and making her realize how to pickup herself from this mess. Tomorrow, I will speak to the guy, to say the same thing. I intend to be a steward of peace, the same way they have been to me and bring them back. 

At this stage, I can say that I have started rediscovering myself, detached from my Wife and the shadow of our separation. I'm not sure what this will bring me, but I am definitely sure it will bring me happiness among others. 

I also jogged a total of 7 laps in two days... Feels really good to sweat it out and exercise my heart, literally. 

Till tomorrow. I've also decided to change the numbers on my posts, tomorrow will be Day 52 of our separation and will be labelled as is...


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## cisco7931

DAY 52 - ACCEPTANCE & FORGIVENESS

Second day of me moving on from the pain, I haven't felt this "ok" for the past 50 days, and now it seems that i'm feeling that everything is just right. I slept well today, slept more than what I usually do. 

I found out from you now that you are riding a bus to work at 4 in the morning, I hate that you are doing this and I wish I can drive you to/from work. But you wanted it this way, you are too brave and proud to say that you are having a hard time. I wish I could make it easier for you, but its your choice. 

I also sent you a text message before I went to work, telling you my heartfelt apology for all the wrong decisions, and pain that I have caused you. I thought I was perfect, I thought I made all my decisions right, but obviously that isnt the case now... 

I also spoke to a lawyer-friend now, and I'm afraid to tell you that all the things you are telling me about family support and minimum amount have no legal basis. I don't want to tell you you are wrong, since these are the things you are holding on to as one of your "weapons" to do it your way. I know I'm right about what I am trying to fight for, but, you don't need to know.  Believe what you want to believe, and I will support you all the way. 

I wish you can find it in your heart to forgive me, and I am praying that He will heal and open your heart for us to start again...

I'm sorry, and I love you...More...


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## anx

I might communicate some of this to her. 

Specifically, she won't like it if you have knowledge of support stuff for a long time and don't tell her. It may feel manipulative to her to have information you aren't telling her. You know your story best, but it might mean a lot to her to tell her that you don't legally need to support her for more than a specific amount, but are going to support her for more than that or whatever you are doing. You know your story the best. My advise may not be right.

It's great to hear you are feeling better. Keep up the good work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

I'll see how far that goes anx, I'm not sure if i'm willing to open that can of worm again. I will give what I can afford and she knows that...

On another topic, what are your thoughts on me telling her how I feel for her and wish for our relationship? I see a lot of posts here advising NOT to say those things, but my heart is telling me that isn't right... 

Her mom told me that they spoke the other day, and my wife said that she still needs space and now isn't the time yet. This goes back to the other pages where she texted me not to force it yet... I guess there could be a light at the end of this, she is starting to go to church now, not sure what she is praying for but that should be a good thing...


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## anx

Her going to church is amazing. I would be very much excited. Keep remembering that you aren't the one that is going to fix this. you can't do enough to undo the pain. She needs to find that herself.

I don't always agree with this site about advise. I think you may want to hint at reconciliation or make it known that you love her and would like to fix it if possible. She is going to set the time line for that. She isn't ready to think about that seriously. I would hint at it or say it non directly. Either way however it probably won't change the outcome or Gods plan unless you harden her heart more by being too direct or too much too soon. So yes, my advise is to not tell her you want reconciliation right now, but hint at it. make it known without pushing the subject. Saying you are sorry is a big step to that. Remember that your wife pastor told her that God makes impossible love possible. You can't have a better sign than that. Just don't mess it up. Keep humble, learning, loving, and serving. Apologize too when needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

I'm on this wonderfully right track then. 

Part of my text to her today was: Sorry, I thought I made all my decisions in life right...I'm terribly sorry for hurting you and your family...Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and start over... I will wait until you are ready... 

Yeah, I don't know what she is praying for, and honestly, I don't care, its between her and God  

I won't mess up this time, she said it once that I was pushing for it too soon... I know she knows I want to reconcile, her mom said she still needs time, then so be it... 



> you can't do enough to undo the pain. She needs to find that herself.


I think I know what you mean, but can you please explain this further?


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## anx

> I'll see how far that goes anx, I'm not sure if i'm willing to open that can of worm again. I will give what I can afford and she knows that...


I still might consider sending her a text that says something like "I talked to a lawyer and they said that support needs to be X (and any other important details). I know we agreed to Y, and then agreed another time about Z. I am going to give you want I can afford.

I will continue to support you and our daughter in any way possible." 

You don't need to get a response. Just let her know what you know and your intentions. 

Again, you know your story best, and you may have already covered this too much. DON'T not tell her important legal info like this however if its going to affect you now or later.

Keep on the strait and narrow. Its hard, and you know that or soon will.



> I think I know what you mean, but can you please explain this further?


 Serve and love your wife, but even if you do a million little things, give her a ton of money, take care of your daughter, etc you cannot undo the hurt. She needs to look inside of herself and her faith and find that. You should be doing all those things, but works will not fix this. She needs to find that for herself. NOTHING on God's green earth can force your wife to love you again. 



> Sorry, I thought I made all my decisions in life right...I'm terribly sorry for hurting you and your family...Hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me and start over... I will wait until you are ready...


 I think this is basically exactally what I was thinking. Its maybe a bit too direct, but fine.


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## cisco7931

^ thanks  I know only she can forgive me, but I will give her all the tools (through actions and deeds not directed to her), all the beautiful things to make her want to forgive and start over... 

I choose to remain quiet about the legal stuff I know. The fact that she is using that against me _(rather ignorantly)_, I don't want to deprive her of that "power" she thinks she has over me. She is obviously getting either wrong info from uneducated friends, or she "thinks" she is right...


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## cisco7931

DAY 53 and 54 - CONFUSION

I spent some rather sweet moment with a friend yesterday, no sex, just major cuddling and sweet talks. We both agreed to take care of each other and be each others companion (she is a special friend of almost 20+ years, married too). I felt happy last night, I know I wanted one thing out of that night: Sex, but what happened was something better. 

My wife's sister also have been in contact with my via Facebook. She was checking how I was and giving some advise. They know what the real issue is, and they know it is HER, not ME. She said, in a nutshell: You have made some mistakes, but we understand you more than we understand her... You have made mistakes before, but have made HUGE improvements and were so happy about it... Be a man, something has to change with the way you deal with her... She said she loves your daughter, but what we are seeing doesn't prove it... You have changed for the better, she has changed for the worst... 

With all this that has happened in the past two days, I don't know how to react or what to feel. Honestly, her sister's statement made a big impact on me too. Those are the same words my close friends have been telling me all this time, the same words the priest told me, the same statements my counselor said. I just chose not to listen and remain steadfast in my mission to love my wife regardless of what she does, and deal with this MY way. The moment I spent with my friend also isn't impacting how confused I am now, thats for sure. When I go to church now, I don't know what to say. It seems that when I pray, I have said everything I wanted to say, and I am left with nothing to tell God... (Does this really happen?) 

Here's what I do know: I am happy to get all this support from her family. I feel loved and cared for. My friends support whatever my decision is 100%, and I know they will be there to catch, pick me up and dust me off if I fall. At the same time though, I don't know if that means anything to me at this point, they love and accept me, so what? That doesn't change my wife's perspective on things. 

Oh well, this is getting easier though. I am making 3 steps forward, one step back the past 2 weeks. At least there is progress.


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## anx

I think you need to be careful with this friend. It's not ok to cuddle or sweet talk a married woman. Do not break up her marriage. I'm not sure why you think that is ok while still married to this woman. Until there is a divorce, you need to stick with this. If you want to be done, then do that. You cannot do both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Thanks anx, I'll be more careful with her. This is just starting off so I guess its still easy to stop. 

On the other notes, I have been getting the same messages from almost everyone, that I need to stop being all too nice and all and stand my ground. I'm pretty confused with what step I need to take. I am certainly not enjoying being my wifes knight in shining armor all the time while she waits her own sweet time to heal, and I will definitely not enjoy hardening her heart more than I already have by "being a man"... 

We're almost on our 60th day of separation mark, and nothing has improved so far....


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## anx

Standing your ground is a tricky one. It's a very fine balance between tough love and harm. Especially coming from your history. I have wrestled with it a lot and there isn't an easy or broad answer that I can see. You have to in every situation balance the two. Don't be ok with mean behavior, but at the same time don't be hurtful in correcting it. 

My suggestion for now is to follow Gods lead. I really pray your marriage will be restored. Give that 100% and not 98%. However, if its your wires will to end it, move on and find a new path. I'm also separated and know how hard and lonely and sad it is. The temptation to do something I shouldn't is always there knocking and would be easy to do. Stay strait on the narrow path, and if the path gets shut off, you will have honored your vows. Then find a unmarried woman when you are interested in moving on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Its lonely being alone, I'm sure you know that. I still have this gut feel that my wife is with someone special, it may not be intimate or what not but the point is the guy he is texting and her are getting really close now from what I can see, or should I say feel...

Thats the sad part about me, I have given up everything, and I am no longer used to being alone. You are correct, its sad being lonely and its also hard following that narrow path alone...


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## anx

We are built to be together, and that's not a bad thing. Eve was created because it wasn't good for Adam to be alone.

you may have to confront you wife at one point in time. Especially if she is seeing someone else. You might have to do tough love and force a decision. She either needs to file for D or give up the other man and get in mc. You aren't honoring anything if you are lonely while your wife is having sex with another man.

I know its hard. you can do it. Don't fall away in the mean time. Temptation will knock every single day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Nothing is confirmed from her end anyway, I just feel that something is going on but she have said time and again, even to her parents, that she isn't seeing anyone else... I just have to trust her word for it, I am praying everyday for God to protect her from any vulture taking her as a prey....

I'm still praying, but I'm getting exhausted I don't know what to pray for anymore... All I know is I thank Him everyday for giving me this chance to grow... and for Him to protect the people around me, our friends, our family, who are tirelessly helping us...


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## anx

That's a great prayer. I've prayed the same prayer for awhile now too and often just thank God and praise him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Day 55 through 57 - LETTING GO? 

Why am I feeling this way? Yesterday, my daughter was spending time with me and my family, she is one smart and respectful young girl, and very mature too with her questions and reasoning. 

I felt and realized something strange: We do not need her, to have a good and healthy life together. I can make sure that my daughter gets everything she needs even without her mom. Her mom doesn't even help with school work, she is always at work and goes home late (thus living the single life). On days off she spends a couple of hours in the morning still with people from the office... Sacrificing the little time she has for our daughter with things not within priority. 

I have a strange feeling the additional money she is getting from me monthly can go to one of two things: a vacation with her "friend" (I saw a travel agency business card in her pants last week), or something to pay for our Legal Separation work. 

Is it normal for me to feel I have moved on, and I don't want this marriage back? I am happy now and contented with what I am getting. Whatever the case maybe, one thing is confusing - In my soul-searching and prayer these past 57 days, I am realizing I do not need her... Or maybe thats just a phase...


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## anx

There's no real way to know. She may have cheated on you and you are being lead away. It may be more natural.

Also, we really are balls of very complete chemisty, and love and connection are part if that. For men, sex is a powerful chemical force toward connection. Being away from your wife will release you from the mental, physical, and chemical bonds that kept you connected. 

If your wife is spending the money to cheat on you or separate, I might only give what is necessary. 

Best of luck and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

Also, having your happiness depend on another person is dangerous. When a marriage is between two people who want to be together, but at the same time are happy alone, it can be more healthy than a codependant relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> Being away from your wife will release you from the mental, physical, and chemical bonds that kept you connected.


Makes perfect sense anx... And besides, I don't have any concrete proof that she is seeing someone else anyway... 

What do you mean by this


> When a marriage is between two people who want to be together, but at the same time are happy alone, it can be more healthy than a codependant relationship.


I'm just not sure why I am feeling that I don't need her anymore... You see, in our 6year of marriage, I have realized I was only happy half of the time. I have been so stuck, that being alone now, spending time alone or with friends and other people are what I have missed during those times we were together. I am seeing now that there are just far too many broken pieces in our marriage. I wanted out a long time ago, I just stayed for the family and of course I value the sanctity of matrimony...


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## LonelyNLost

cisco7931 said:


> What do you mean by this
> 
> *When a marriage is between two people who want to be together, but at the same time are happy alone, it can be more healthy than a codependant relationship.*
> 
> I'm just not sure why I am feeling that I don't need her anymore... You see, in our 6year of marriage, I have realized I was only happy half of the time. I have been so stuck, that being alone now, spending time alone or with friends and other people are what I have missed during those times we were together. I am seeing now that there are just far too many broken pieces in our marriage. I wanted out a long time ago, I just stayed for the family and of course I value the sanctity of matrimony...


Hi there. I'm just going to pipe in and add my two cents as someone that is just now realizing this in the midst of my impending divorce. A lot of us that end up the left behind spouse don't realize that we are codependent. We live our life for our spouse, and we think it's the way it should be. Sounds ideal, right? But the problem is that we lose ourselves in that process. When you are with someone, it shouldn't be that they complete YOU. It's that they add to your life. You don't need them, you want them. Make sense? 

Think about when you first start dating someone. You both have things you find attractive about the other. Men are big on a mental challenge, because they are wired for the pursuit. If a woman is needy and clingy at the beginning, is that attractive? Well it isn't attractive in a marriage either. So while you think being codependent is a good thing, it's actually unattractive to your spouse and causes them to lose respect for you because they know that you'll always be there no matter what. You might say, we're married, of course I'll be there, but you have to earn respect by not being a doormat, and emphasizing things that you find unacceptable in an action-oriented type of way. You need to keep your own interests outside the marriage, make time for yourself, or hanging with friends. Don't always be so available. It's what's best for you and for the relationship. 

Might sound like a game, but this is one of the biggest lessons I've learned in this journey. I missed this woman that I am inside, and I'm enjoying getting reacquainted with her. Guess what? People love me! I forgot what that felt like to just be me, not a part of a couple. I don't want to lose that. The other lesson was that you can't hold onto someone that doesn't want to be held onto, no matter how hard you try. Yeah, it sucks my marriage is over, and my husband made HIS choices, but I'm making mine. And it's to come out of this a better person with a whole new set of tools to tackle life with. 

I wish you luck my friend. And be careful with the friend. It can happen before you know what's happened. Figure yourself out and be happy being you. Sounds like you are well on your way!


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## cisco7931

@LnL - Thanks for clarifying it. You are right, I thought that I was being the "ideal" husband and father when I chose to leave everything for the sake of my family. While that worked out for some time, this probably caused my insecurity issues (thus failing to trust her, always thinking she is seeing someone etc). I no longer feel confident of myself, since I am surrounded by just my wife and daughter. I know I can be a great dad (and yes, I have that small shirt that hangs on my windshield that reads "Worlds Greatest Dad"), but this damaged me in the long run now that you said it. 

On our first few weeks of separation, I felt incomplete. I felt very empty. And it sucks. As soon as I rediscovered myself, or soul-searched, I realized that I am a happy person. People love me for who I am, I got more than what I need for support, friends, her and my family, and its a feeling I haven't had since I got married (well, on our third year that is, since I have been fooling around on our first two years). 

This is probably exactly what she is doing now, finding herself, not sure (or don't care) if she is doing her own "cuddling" with a friend of her own. I will reiterate it that, if we get reunited, whatever she did while we were apart wont matter to me anyway. 

What is confusing the hell out of me is why she is failing as a mother as well. Her work ends at 2PM, and she isnt home until 6PM, and at that time, she is dead-tired and dont have time for our daughter. This is SOO unfair, since I would have wanted to be with our daughter to help with school stuff, regardless if im tired or not. 

The money I am giving to her is also too much for her needs, which makes me thing: what is she saving for using MY money?

Those are the complications that is bugging me now. 


At this stage of my life, I am focusing on the single most important question of my life: How do I find real, unwavering faith in God? I am busying myself with supporting a church-run Home for the Elderly near our place, this is where I find inner peace when I am with these unfortunate people. I find fulfillment in what I do when I'm with them... Hopefully when I do these things to help them out, that I help out myself as well...


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## cisco7931

DAY 58 - FINDING A REASON TO STAY

I am quite surprised at myself seeing that I can move on from this mess. Probably because a lot of people are keeping me busy now, or the fact that I am no longer trying to make this work myself. 

I need to grow, I need to rediscover myself, and will do anything just to accomplish that. My faith is still intact, and needs nourishment. That seems to be the only question I have in my life now: Where is God in all of this, and what can He do? 

I am no longer clinging to her to reconsider reconciliation, heck I dreamed of her again having S*x with me, and when I woke up, it didn't matter, I didn't feel ANYTHING at all! I'm not sure what is happening, but probably this means I have moved on. 

The only reason that would want me to make this work is to keep our family together for the sake of our daughter. In my eyes, she has been failing as a mother for the past few years, and I'm just realizing that now. Our daughter is a smart, god-fearing, well-mannered little girl. I am not seeing any reason why she would need her mother at all, I know she will be allright just with me...

So, do I still need her? I'm kinda confused, and I know only I can answer that question... 

This is harder than I thought... All the while I thought I just need her to open her heart, remove her anger, and start counceling and move towards full reconciliation and a happily-ever-after...

But geez, these complications about MY feelings is just making it harder...


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## anx

Best of luck. Follow your convictions. God talks and moves in people slowly and quietly. I doubt you'll have a resolution to this soon. Whether that is divorce, reconciliation, finding a new wife, etc. I think you should follow and look for God and your own feelings over the course of weeks or months. Despite feelings screaming for instant action, we have to wait. 

Best of luck and God bless
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LonelyNLost

It sounds like you are at a great place, honestly, and that you've thought everything through. Actually in reading your response, I saw a lot of my own thought process and feeling. I'm in a very different but similar place. My marriage is over, we are separated on our way to divorce. He is with his high school sweetheart, and there's no chance I'd take him back. But I do have the same thoughts and fears. I look to go and ask him for guidance and forgiveness on my journey. I'm lost in this big old world after being that codependent wife. I've been with my stbx since I was 18. Now I'm learning to be single and go out and be myself. The "can do" attitude will take you far. And when you look back at how you handled yourself, treated your wife, and raised your daughter, you'll have no regrets! Best of luck to you! Listen to anx, he's a smart man!


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## cisco7931

Thank you anx and LnL, I smile when I read your responses (especially you anx, you've been keeping me busy in this thread for quite some time now)...

I bet I will not have any regrets in the future as I battle this out. At first, I was afraid about moving on our separate lives, but now, I am realizing I am no longer afraid. If that is what God wants me to do, then so be it... Its His plan, and it is always for the best!


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## cisco7931

DAY 59 - SUPPRESSED ANGER

I can consider myself a single man now.. I go to work, I jog in the afternoon, and pretty much either hang out with friends or be alone... The only thing that reminds me that I am/was married is I make it a point to call my daughter everyday... I'm afraid that if this goes on any longer, I might totally forget or not want my marriage to work anymore. Something alarming caught my attention. My 5 year old daughter is calling her Mom a liar, she promises to go home early from work but it seems that she doesn't. Oh well, thats one thing I dont have any control over really... 

Its sad really, that we just text to either talk about logistics of our daughter, or when my financial support is due, which is in 2 days. I bet there will be a whole lot of arguments again because I needed her to justify why what she is asking for is way higher than what is really needed. I didnt question it before since I just wanted her to shut up, but I noticed that its me who is suffering, I'm almost left with no money to survive if I keep on doing this....

I still go to church twice a day, usually before and after work. I feel angry sometimes thinking that she is taking advantage of the Mr. Nice Guy in me. But not this time, I won't let her. I will put my foot down on what is proper for both our well-being. With the way things are going, her entire salary is just for HER, since I am the one spending 90% for our daughter. Unfair, and I bet she is loving it. 

I need to get the anger out of my head before I talk to her...


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## anx

The part about your daughter is sad. It hit me hard. She is the totally innocent party in all of this. Protect her as much as you can, but it sounds like your ability to do that is limited. Try to explain that her mom does love her. 

The support thing sounds good too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

She's a smart kid and I know she can handle this... She always asks me if I have money, almost everytime I call her. 

I remember why, I told her once that daddy cant visit her coz I dont have extra money for gas (coz of her mom).. Thats just sad and I have to do something about it. If her mom cant take care of her and she is removing all means of me to take care of her, I have to set some boundaries to it... This is what makes me so angry with my wife... She doesnt want me home, but she cant even take care of our daughter... Too selfish.... 

See how broken we are? lol...


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## cisco7931

DAY 60 - I STILL CARE

Today, I saw your shout-out at our Office Messenger: "Today, I am in deep grief, so please bear with me. :'("

You know how to use deep words, and seeing grief in your status makes me worry. What is wrong? I wish I can comfort you now in your time of pain... I don't have a clue what its about, I sent you a text and you haven't replied yet. 

What I know is this: I still care for you and I still love you despite everything that has happened to us. 

I am offering a silent prayer for you now, that He helps you when I cant at your time of trouble...


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## cisco7931

DAY 61 - ANOTHER TEST

Its payday again, and as expected, this will be another problem for us. I've sent you a computation of what should be the proper support for our daughter, with me shouldering 75% of her expenses. I asked you to provide me a breakdown, and you don't want to give it, instead demand for what I think is more than what is needed. 

I must admit, I think I lost it again. I snapped again saying harsh words such as: This isn't between you and me, its about how you manage the support I'm giving... I am not taking my daughter for granted... Move on from the anger and hurt in your heart so we can all be at peace... I will never take our daughter for granted... 

Of course, her huge wall is as high as before, she said that she will not ask for money anymore, that I am telling her that she is taking our daughter for granted, that I should be happy that they haven't moved out and I am spending less now blah blah blah...

I can't fight the evil in her heart no matter how hard I try. I've been praying that she will be delivered from all this, so that she won't have to feel these emotions but none seems to work. 

She said just now via text that she is disappointed that this is happening. I told her I'm sorry I failed her again, but we need to be a team to survive all this. We have responsibilities together, and separately and we have to work on this to get through...

Am I doing this totally wrong? Should I just give her what she is asking for at my expense of borrowing money from friends just to survive?


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## marksaysay

cisco7931 said:


> I can't fight the evil in her heart no matter how hard I try. I've been praying that she will be delivered from all this, so that she won't have to feel these emotions but none seems to work.


You have hit the nail on the head. YOU cannot fight that evil. Remember that. This is spiritual warfare and there really isn't anything that you can do other than pray. You can try to be nice, expose, give in to her every request, and many other things, with the hopes that your actions will change her attitude and behavior. None of YOUR actions are going to change the situation.

Prayer and fasting. Fasting and prayer is your only weapon. Also, it has taken me a while to fully understand that it is important for us to accept the things that God allows because ultimately they are for our good. 

A scripture that has continually come up throughout my situation has been Psalms 37:4, "Delight thyself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart." What I have realized is that as my source of delight changed, so has the desire of my heart. No longer do I desire for mariage restoration or reconciliation. That may sound funny but my chief desire now is acceptance of God's will for my life. If that means reconciliation, good. If that means divorce, good. 

My brother, stay encouraged. Understand that your wife is not really your enemy. She is being manipulated and decieved by a force that you don't have the ability to fight in your own strength. Understand that you are not the only one going through this. My prayers are with you. 

God bless.


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## cisco7931

@Mark - Thank you. 

I'm just tired being nice and all at my own expense. I do have faith in God which is the only thing keeping me sane throughout the past 61 days. 

Its just tiring and hard to give in to all her whims just to please her, I went through that stage my friend, but I just realized that I don't even have money for my own food. That's when it hit me that this isn't right. If you check my other post in the Financial Issues in marriage thread, my reason for cutting down on my support is to pay for the Life Insurance premium I intend to get for my wife and kid, yes, its tough love but I want to make sure that they can survive long after God calls me back home... 



> accept the things that God allows because ultimately they are for our good.


I am happy you said this, I have realized this this past few weeks and I have actually improved the way I handle things since I thought of this fact. I am happier now, and appreciative of what God is giving me now: A problem that seems too big to handle for me, but is intended to make me grow as a better person in His light. 



> That may sound funny but my chief desire now is acceptance of God's will for my life. If that means reconciliation, good. If that means divorce, good.


If you would have said this last month, I would have put my foot down and said that I want this to be reconciled. But now, I am slowly inclined to follow God's lead... I am slowly becoming a better person alone, and a better father to my daughter... Whatever His plans are, I will let Him lead me... 

Thank you for offering your Prayers my friend... God Bless you too.


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## cisco7931

DAY 64 - CONFLICT

Last weekend's conversation about finances and child support was tough. I must say I said a lot of harsh words to prove my point, that I should not be shouldering all of our child's expenses while you are spending almost all of your salary for yourself and pretty much whatever you want to... I also admitted that I don't want you back anyway... One thing you said really bothered me: St*pid you, you didn't see my worth until I was gone, move on. This made me smile, because unfortunately, I am not able to see any worth in what we have shared the past 6 years, or it may have been washed by the disappointments we both had against each other. In time we will both realize whose worth we are missing...

Sad really, that it has come to this... Just when I thought that the storm has at least calmed down a bit between us, then this happened. 

I've finally decided to let go of you, and let go of us. I know its about time I let God handle this, but this time I've raised the white flag and don't want to worry about this anymore. 

It just sucks that for the past 3 days I have been dreaming about you and about our problem. I know when I am awake that I am perfectly fine, I am happy and I've moved on, but reality sets in when I'm asleep. 

Your mom and I had a quick chat about us again yesterday, and she looks like she has given up as well...

I saw you for the first time in close to 2 months when you went out of the house coz I was there... I sense a lot of anger in you, that I hope will be healed in God's time. 

I still love you, but now I'm leaving our yesterday behind and I will let God heal this. I do not know what His plans are for us but one thing I do know, its for the best. 

I will speak to my lawyer tonight and see how I can protect our child and myself from this mess. If it would mean that we have to legally separate and get our marriage annulled for us to be both happy, then I might go that direction. 

I'm sorry this had to happen, but one thing is for sure: You will hold a special place in my heart forever, and the pain will soon be healed with happiness, I'm not sure how long it will take, or how the pain will be erased, but I trust Him to heal me, and more importantly, you.

Our daughter is my main priority now, I need to protect and embrace her with my Love, a love that unfortunately, you are not able to give now...

Yesterday's (and last Friday's) Gospel kinda hit me straight-on. 



> For this people's heart has grown dull, and their ears are heavy of hearing, and their eyes they have closed, lest they should perceive with their eyes, and hear with their ears, and understand with their heart, and turn for me to heal them.'


- My heart isn't ready yet for your seeds, but I'm working on it to accept God's direction...

And Saturday's hit me like an arrow in the heart and I couldnt stop myself crying in Church:



> So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones." Thus he reassured them and comforted them.


- God has sent a few people to point this out. A day prior, I met with an old friend, who is a daughter of a broken family. She has grown up to be a marvelous young woman, and she shared the story of how she did not know a father until only a few years ago (she is now 28). I need not worry about my daughter, for she will grow up just fine. You will provide, and you will not take my daughter for granted...

I am loved, and I am protected by God in all this ordeal. I am battling with myself, but I am ready to let this all go...


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## cisco7931

One thing I gotta ask you folks:

How will she at least try to open her heart when she is getting the money she needs from me to support our daughter and she is living a free life... Pretty much, there isn't a reason to go back and fix this... I know its too soon to ask, and I haven't done any of the 180 stuff, but, I'm not getting it...


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## cisco7931

DAY 66 - DREAMS

I wish I could stop dreaming about you... Its been one full week, we didn't have any contact but I am still with you in my dreams...

It sucks waking up, but it seems that I'm not affected the way I was a month ago when I dream of you...

Our last conversation last Sunday was too much. You said "You didn't realize my worth until I was gone, move on"... Funny really, but I can't remember any other than ME giving all my love to you... You don't take care of our daughter the way a mother would anyway, so thats not it... You dont take care of me, so thats not it either. The only thing I remember is you allowing me to take care of you... So whose worth will be missed if thats the case...?

This is not getting easier at all... I'm praying for two things: Happiness and Inner Peace for both of us...


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## anx

I have to agree. Happiness and inner peace is elusive for me as well. 

I agree with the battle with yourself. My own body and emotions betray me and lead me towards deep sadness. 

I have no idea how your wife will open her heart. Only she can decide to do it. God doesn't force his will on us. 

Best of Luck and God bless.


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## MyTwoGirls

I have been speparated since April 2010 and divorced since Feb 2011 after foolishly thinking there was a chance at reconciliation..no sense in going through the rollercoaster of emotions with you all since many of you know the ride, especially those who have been left behind by someone unexpectedly..add she moved in with her new guy soon after leaving and we have two daughters 11 and 13..the part about the kids does not have to be a bad situation for them inspite of a bad falling out with the spouse..I took the high road with my girls and never let them know the hurt I was going through or how I felt about there mom leaving and the things she said and did just before leaving..I could have easily turned them against her with all she did behind my back but she was always a great mom and what good would it have been..Your kids will only get what you show them at a young age and soon enough they begin to slowly figure things out for themselves..I am proud I have made a possible bad situation as good as can poissibly be even when my youngest would cry about having to split time I remained calm for and hoped her mom was doing the same..even though I might feel very negative about how things turned out, my daughters will never get that negative feed back from my end since this was not their fault. I am sure they will come to their own conclusions as they get older as to how things turned out..one thing they can never say is I spoke negatively about their mom or the situation we ended up in...over all it boils down to putting your negative thoughts behind you and reenforcing the positive thoughts not only for yourself but just as much for the kids.


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## cisco7931

I would never confuse my daughter more about this separation, and I have no intents of ever doing it. 

She is a smart girl and eventually, she will figure this one out. She is 5 now and in two or three years her mind would be able to have the capacity to understand and decipher this complicated situation. Every time I am with her, I make sure to tell her her mom loves her so much and I intend to keep on doing it for as long as it is needed. 

It just pains me that I know that what I am saying isn't true, its perplexing to try to understand why some parents would choose work or friends over their own children, I have been climbing the corporate ladder at my early age of 27 but never, never did I compromise my family over work. It is a split-second decision to choose my family over work, while for my wife, its taking her 60+ days and counting to figure it out.

The fog seems to not die down on her yet, and it may never do... I am looking forward to a brighter future for myself and for my daughter. When the right time comes that I either make ammends with my wife, or find a new partner, I will take my daughter with me and give her a complete family she very well deserves....

Kinda cool really - I spent time with my car today, did some minor upgrades and I felt tired, yet happy...  Its all about finding an outlet and this is one of them that makes me feel fulfilled. Next up on my list is a good sound system and new 17" rims for my Honda...


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## cisco7931

DAY 72 - NO IMPROVEMENT

Wow, its been 72 days. Just when I thought I could not survive a day without my wife and my family, I am now able to look back at 72 being through hell and back.

If there is one thing that was good in all of this: its the fact that I give more importance and love to my daughter and our family more than I thought I was capable of if we were still together. 

There are no ways I can turn back time, no ways I can undo what has been done, and certainly no way I can ask my wife to reconsider. But as the days go by, I am loosing hope. My wife could be in a better place now, whether alone or with someone new, she might be getting used to the fact that we are separated, and nothing will bring us back together. 

I must say I haven't done anything to bring us back the past few weeks, I just pretty much just let it flow... Not sure if thats the right thing to do... I dont know what I want to happen anymore. One side of me is saying that we're better off separated, coz there were very few good memories the way I see it, but the other side is also telling me this has to work out in the end, for the sake of "family".


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## anx

That's a tough place to be and I am also looking at the real possibility of my wife never checking back into the relationship. For me its been anger recently that my wife is ignoring vows: Love, cherish, have, and hold.

The whole scope of marriage dissolution is sad really. Marriage is the family and intimate bond you have to chose to make, and have to continually chose to maintain. No relationship with anyone is perfect(even with parents and siblings), but marriages are expected to make us happy all the time. 

I would suggest making it work, but that's impossible until your wife wanted it too. 

Best of luck and God bless.


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## cisco7931

I'm past that anger stage anx, its just sadness really that has been overpowering me. 

I am making strides in moving on, and I have been successful. There are just days when I remember her, and the way we used to be, and thinking how can she just throw away the 6 years of marriage we had in a day... 

And to her "friend" who I feel is making her happy now, I cant imagine how ruthless he can become to play a big part in making this marriage rut, and essentially ruining the life of our daughter just by flirting with my wife. Again, no hard proof here, but I'm not stupid not to see this. My wife is an easy target for anyone now, beautiful and separated. What more can a man ask for right? 

At this point, there is absolutely no sign my wife wanted this to work. 

But God has showed me numerous signs that life is great the past days. Funny over the weekend I decided to stop smoking, then at a bar there were Marlboro promo girls selling packs. I bought one, and low and behold, I won money! More than enough to allow me to visit my daughter over the weekend, but that didnt happen coz I was sick though. But a great sign to say the least...


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## that_girl

Your wife will go through her own hell in time. Believe me...

I am sorry your situation is not working out the way you'd like  I hope you find peace and can move on in time.


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## cisco7931

^ while that maybe something I dont want her to go through, she has to... By that time, probably, thats when I have found my peace... 

I do cherish every moment of my newfound single life now... And seeing all the other important things in life...


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## cisco7931

DAY 73 - COMPLETE 180?!

I just called our daughter today, like I always have everyday. She rather calmly mentioned that you have been hot headed around her, and your family at home. I'm not sure how true that is, we all know kids tend to elaborate stories, or sometimes lie, but we've also heard kids never lie and they say what they feel. 

If this is true, how could you? How could you take this on OUR daughter and YOUR family? Who the hell is influencing you to become a monster? I wish you can come to your senses soon before its too late. 

I dont know how else I can help you. I have let you go, pretty much followed your every whim, but you being ill-tempered with our daughter is too much. 

I've done my 180s before, I sometimes think about myself before anyone else (which explains why I had my own share of affairs a few years ago), but never, never did I take it against you, our family and our daughter so how could she? 

Is this the point of no return? Is she gone for good? What else can be done here?


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## anx

All you can do is wait and pray hard. Your wife has abandoned her daughter and you and is also in the mist of something else not Godly from the sounds of it. God will probably call her back or hide his face from her for a time.

Talk to her family about it and your daughter as well. Get them to protect her while you cannot.

It sounds like she is going through something rough with her status update at work and other signs. 

Just wait, pray, and keep your head down and heart towards heaven.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

I will get my daughter to spend the weekend with me and my family on Saturday. I intend to speak to her Mom again about what is happening. I know they know something is up with their daughter but they are probably unsure what to do... 

I just hope she does not do anything that will ruin her life forever... I thought about that too anx, that eventually God will call her back after teaching her a lesson. I trust in His plans, for I know everything I am going through right now were His ideas... I was out and about for quite sometime, thinking highly of myself and how good I am, with or without His help... Then this happened... Very humbling indeed, and I never fail to thank Him for making me realize it now when I pray... He is an amazing God and I know if He did this to me, He has plans for my hardened wife too... 

I need to protect my daughter, and I know my wife's family has that at the top of their priority too...


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## believergirl

HEY YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS SITUATION. I FEEL YOU AND I WISH YOU THE BEST, BY THE WAY GUYS YOU ARE MY SUPPORT.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

^ I wish you well on your journey too... We're here to help each other out, hopefully, one would get past this successfully and guide the others in what needs/can be done...

BTW - I just heard that her drinking spree and hanging out with friends time got worse... I wish my daughter is still OK with having Daddy pick her up every weekend and talk on the phone daily... I'd have to talk to my mom-in-law tomorrow about all this crap... 

I've been successful in not contacting her at all in two weeks, she sent me an IM just now talking about if i'm OK with the financial arrangement (which I have been anyway, I told her that 2 weeks ago) and if I still plan to pick up my daughter tomorrow... Two short answer... Yes and OK... It was hard, but yeah, I got through it... 

I'm headed home from work in a few, go straight to Church afterwards... I'ts been pretty depressing for me the past two days, her memories and what she is doing with her life now is haunting the living hell out of me...  

Wooosaaahhhh.... This will all fall into its proper place in God's time...


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## anx

I just wanted to encourage you. I heard a great sermon recently about waiting for God. Now that I'm at peace with that, I have found peace for myself. I've been separated now just over 2 months.

Your story has helped me as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

DAY 76 - LIVING THE SINGLE LIFE 'EY?

Sigh, its payday again and as expected, this will be tough. Why do you have to wait for me to give my monthly financial support to go to the supermarket to buy stuff for our daughter? Cant you at least take some money out of your own salary knowing that I still have work today and I will take our daughter out for the weekend tomorrow? I will give money anyway as committed. It seems that YOUR money is just YOURs, plain and simple... I wish you can take a good hard look at yourself and what you are doing before its too late. 

Tomorrow and Sunday is going to be a great day for another Daddy-Daughter date. We'll go out to the park and have a cute picnic together, the first ever! I'm so excited to be with you for the next two days. I'm taking my mind off things tomorrow, no work, nothing else, its just you and me. Period. 

I'm a sucker for movies that inspire, and I'm on the lookout for some tear-jerking father/daughter movies, can anyone recommend? I even consider some episodes of Ghost Whisperer inspiring for me (shows a lot how deeply rooted I am with my emotions, huh? LOL). 

@anx - I'm glad that we are all helping each other out here, thats what TAM is about anyway. Your responses from the last 6 pages of my thread have been enormously helpful on days where I thought I couldn't take it anymore. It seems that we're on the same stage of our separation, I'm 76 days out and hopefully ending soon, but like what you said, I am letting God handle all this in HIS perfect time. my wife and I are FAR from healed, we are FAR from that beautiful place of peace... Probably when either or both of us gets there, thats when He will pull us back... 

He knows better, we don't.


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## cisco7931

today is one of those days where all the memories of our 6 year marriage are coming back like trains on a station - one after the other... 

I just cant imagine how she can just do this, change herself and the way she deals with our family, considering that she was raised in a family-oriented clan, literally overnight with no sign of remorse or emotion. I'm not even sure why im writing this, ive been ignoring these emotions for quite some time now and it seems to not get any better. 

I just want to scream my lungs out at the top of a mountain and just let it all out.


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## anx

Didn't you walk out on your family first and it took you over a month to realize the error? Also telling your wife how she failed you was no better.

However, I know how much it hurts to be in that place. 

I wish you the best and God bless.


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## cisco7931

@anx - I walked out on our marriage only for a few days, hoping I can find myself, but I guess we all know what happened after that...

I am finding peace, again, these past few days. Last weekend was great with my daughter, I picked her up and poor kid, she was just too excited to see me. It seems that she only feels one parent now and it pains me that my hardened wife doesnt see what she will loose with all her "single" escapades. 

I just found out from a family member that there were two instances that my kid was sick and my ex didnt give a damn. They asked her to buy medicines and low and behold, she forgot to buy one since she came home late. That was too much, I'm afraid what will happen next but at the same time I feel safe for I know her mom and everyone in her house will always make sure my daughter is well taken cared of. 

Still praying... So hard that He will take the lead in this...


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## cisco7931

DAY 81 - LOST HOPE

I cant believe my separation story is nearing three digits.... I called my daughter again today and she said that she misses her mom coz she rarely sees her anymore... My ex often arrives home late and leaves for work early, and it seems that her priorities are all out of bounds now...

Today is one of them days that I am feeling so down and nothing can seem to help... I do have friends surrounding me but nothing compares to the peace I feel with my family whole again... I dont know where this will lead us, will this go to the 200, 300+ days? 

This is just so hard, but I have not lost faith at all. Thats when I feel peace, the moment I step out of the church, I smile... But then reality kicks in, thats when I feel this huge lump on my throat...


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## anx

I have to agree with you. I get home from work unable to cope and emotions flying. I take a nap and have been fasting, praying, and reading the bible at night. At the end of that, I'm at peace and happy. A few hours later, I'm back to feeling overwhelmed and lost.

It's been exhausting to swing so much from peace to totally lost. I just make sure I don't do anything stupid, drink till I'm numb, or hurt myself when I feel incredibly down. I know the sun will shine on me later and ill be back to peace sometime soon. 

I have definitely been tempted to get drunk at nights or to numb the pain with porn, drugs or something else.

Stay strong brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedGirl3876

Reading your story has helped me see that my feelings toward my situation are normal. Some days will be better than others and some days will just suck...but it will get better. Thanks for sharing your story. If your story reached the 200+ mark at least you will have it to look back on and see how much you've grown thru all this. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

^ yeah, I've made some huge progress in the past 81 days and to this day, I am thankful to everyone who has helped me get through this, Family, Friends, this site, and of course my Faith... I wouldnt have been this strong, this wise, if this didnt happen.

I'm probably just making things more complicated than I have to be. Honestly, I've tried dating some old "flings" and it just sucks when the odds aren't working out for me... 

These are my distractions now, if you noticed, I havent been posting daily the past weeks.. Coz Im happy, I was sort of dating someone (who is also in a messed up marriage BTW). 

its just not me, I'm not ready to be happy alone... I'm not 100% happy when I'm with my daughter coz I know this isnt family if it isnt whole, I'm not happy with the girl im pursuing now coz she's married too (though emotionally separated for years) and we have to be careful and cant be together when we want to... I cant even be happy when i'm in the gym or jogging coz my mind is floating around somewhere.. well, one good thing is I lost around 3" on my waist and the friends i havent seen for a long time are saying i look "hotter" now, LOL... 

Sheesh anx, this mind *&^*&@ you are talking about is just exhausting! I think my brain is growing muscles now just thinking of all this crap im going through... LOL

Its just hard, it seems that I'm gonna be in this whirlpool for a loooong time...


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## ConfusedGirl3876

I also keeping thinking I'm gonna be in the "whirlpool" for a long time. Then I think one day this will be over and I will have moved on...I'm just hoping that day isn't too far off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

@CG - How long have you been separated if you dont mind me asking? Dont rush it, it will come. I can say so coz If I were to rate my "moving-on" part, i'm already at 50%... Im not there yet but at least a lot better than 3 months ago...


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## ConfusedGirl3876

We've been separated for a week officially. I've been mentally separated since about March. Due to H being crazy and me falling for it I stayed longer than I should have. It feels weird to me that I haven't been upset about the separation at all since he left. When I was working up the nerve to tell him I would get upset all the time. I'm sure a huge part of it is that he won't stay away and is here everyday after work. I told him tonight that he can only come 2-3 days next week.


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## anx

What do you mean crazy?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConfusedGirl3876

Anx- by crazy I mean H saying he was gonna kill himself and putting holes in the wall...stuff like that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

Your story is similar to mine in that my wife moved out and also didn't really feel upset. I have a history of anxiety and depression, and it has been really really bad in all of this. I've been through it before but am also very regularly having suicidal thoughts. I would be punching holes in walls too if I wasn't very much thing to stay in control of my actions. 

My wife and I have also talked several times at length in mc that she needs me to not come around or ask her to come around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

DAY 85 - MISALIGNED PRIORITIES AND FAMILY

The past weekend has been somewhat of a bitter-sweet time. Our Family from the US flew in for a once-in-a-lifetime reunion of cousins from my mother's side. It has been pretty refreshing, seeing everyone again after so long, this made me realize that I have so much in my life: Family. 

It was bitter because apparently, all of my Aunts and Uncles knew about my separation, and they wanted to help, and ask what had happened. I could not look straight in their eyes, I guess telling the story to friends is WAAAY different if you say it to your Family, who have been there when I asked my wife for her hand in marriage. It was hard. It was devastating, but I had to let it out. A big hug from two of my closest cousins was all that I needed. No, I did not shed a tear, but almost when my cousin and his 13 year old daughter sang a song on stage. I hugged my daughter tight, and whispered, when you get old, I want you and daddy to sing a song too. :') 

This weekend made me realize, that nothing is more important in this world than Family. Not money, not work, but a whole family. Something I do not have now, coz I failed to nurture and take care of it... 

On my wife's FB page, friends poured in after seeing her status of: "...Is breaking down once in a while...". A lot of people thought that "this is it, she is waking up! she is finally realizing something..." But apparently, it is one of her misaligned priorities. She is breaking down because of work, too much work, too much stress... I texted her and she said she was heartbroken to let go of some of her team in replacement to another set of new people. Heartbroken?! Because of people you have only known for 3 months compared to our family who has been with you for 6 years?!?!? Geez, I cant imagine how this can be happening! You have been brought up in a family-centered clan, and giving up on this and sticking with it still puzzles me... I dont hate you, I can never hate you, but I abhor whatever is in your mind at this time... 

Its sad really, seeing her like this. Prioritizing work over the stress and the heartbreak of a broken family, something that we both contributed to equally. 

I wanted to spend as much time with my daughter this weekend, but she sent me a text, a rather sad text asking if she can have my daughter back in the morning. I said yes, for I knew she needs her too, to take away some of the stress she is feeling, to let her feel family again. We exchanged texts like nothing has happened, asking how she was, she asking how I was... It was refreshing, but sad at the same time knowing that there isnt even a gram of care in her heart about our broken family. 

She believes that our daughter will have so much love from us separately, that she will not be broken. Well apparently, she isnt at a stage that she realizes that no matter how much love we give, it will never be comparable to a whole family for our daughter. 

More prayers are needed I guess, I've given up and living my life now the way I need to. I am feeling that I may be ready for another serious relationship again. But still not certain and I am being very careful. Its just been almost 4 months... 

I wish I could do something for my daughter, I know she will be broken, but I know too that God will never take her for granted, He has a purpose, and I am slowly seeing that now. I have grown soso much this past months, and have realized a lot of things myself, its still hard, yes, but getting easier. 

Just thought about this quote, which pretty much sums up what I have been feeling lately: "... being broken allows one to look at the indivdual shattered pieces, and truly "see" and appreciate each one of them, huge or tiny, before putting them back together again..."


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## anx

I just wanted to say that thing can still be repaired. In the mc that I did, my wife disconnected 99% at one point. She did come back, but it took many months. we were still living together at the time too. Another story I just read, the Christian wife agreed to counseling after a two year separation. 

I encourage you to wait for your wife to file for divorce, and if not, wait a full year or even two before you file. In a 40-60 year marriage, a two year separation is less than 5%. Also, you will continue to grow to the man you need to be for this relationship or the next. 

Biblicaly, you need to wait for your wife to truly leave the faith or until she has sex with someone else. Even in cases of separation, we are told to reconcile or remain unmarried. 

No matter what, follow Gods lead. 90% of the leading we get is in place in the bible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> Biblicaly, you need to wait for your wife to truly leave the faith or until she has sex with someone else.


I would not even be surprised if she has... Besides, I would not care anyway, she wants to experience the single life, go ahead... I've done my part in experiencing that too years ago, I just didnt leave my family for the life I wanted to experience... 

She is heartbroken now, coz of the people at work she lost, but she does not miss me, or our daughter... When will she be, when its too late?


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## anx

I don't think you are correct in that she doesn't miss you or the family. I talked with my wife in mc many times about this subject. It's more that her missing what was good is balanced against resentment, contempt, and anger about what was bad. What you "see" is that she doesn't care. The truth is that she still probably loves you but can't be married right now. 

She does probably miss you and your daughter, its just hidden right now under the pain she doesn't want to deal with right now.

It may take a car accident, a miracle, or just plain time to fix what's broken. Your job is to follow the bible and its principals. 

My mc told me this week that "if you love something let it totally go(give it 100% freedom), and if it wad truly yours it will come back"

I wanted to say that for the first time in a while I've found some lasting peace. I'm 2.5 months in. your story has ment a lot to me in this time. The hope that I will feel better in a few months kept me going.

Lastly, I was reading the old testament (I'll make it through the entire bible in another month or so for the first time in my life) the story of Joseph in genesis 39. He was sent to prison in Egypt for 2.5 years on a false charge. After that he became very powerful in Egypt. I really thought hard about that. God's plan for his life was amazing and could been accomplished without the prison stay(or with a much shorter stay). It struck me that I have my own wait in front of me. I am certainly no better than Joseph and my story will probably not even be interesting to read in a book much less be in the bible. The other part of the story that I found interesting as that his father Jacob mourned greatly over the lose of his son. His son was alive the entire time and was going to be used by God for great things. God could have made it known to Jacob that his son was alive and is mourning and sadness was a waste. I really have put my head down the the path laid in front of me and my heart towards heaven. Anyways, I thought I would ramble here about my thoughts for the week. Also the story in Luke 16: 19-31.
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%2016:19-31;&version=NIV;
Our troubles in this world are temporary, no matter how terrible or just lonely. Under that paradigm and perspective, everything seems totally turned upside down. What is otherwise a hopeless, sad, and huge waste of otherwise happy time with my wife that I love, is a small blip on my short mortal life that will make me happier, stronger, and a more Godly man. 2 years of brutally hard mc and separation of a 75 year life is a mere 3% of my life. It's certainly not enough to sleep with some prostitute, get mad at God, or end my life over.

Best of luck and God bless.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Its funny that you said I was helping you when I felt you have done a great deal of help to me too on the first few pages. This is where i draw probably 25% of my strength from, with my family, friends and God making up for the rest to keep me going. 

Throughout my ordeal, Ive managed to help other people while they are helping me. It seems like im on a mission now, to make other peoples marriage better while i work on mine. Just last night i found out that one of my previous co-worker is on the verge of a separation too because of her husbands drug abuse. I vowed to do whatever i can to help clear her mind and heart, even if it means i have to sacrifice a weekend away from my daughter. Just to see and talk to her, i will do it. She's 1week in the separation and, while her reason is different, her baggage of too many were the same ones i had on my first days... 

Ive always loved and have been passionate about handling and motivating people, in my career as a Manager, ive molded a lot of people to become better individuals, and better persons for years. I guess this is god's way of nurturing mu talent for a better purpose. He has been good to me all this time, ive never doubted that. Its just that my mind was too foggy to see the good things he has been showing me. 

It still hurts though, the thought of my daughter is killing me, everyday. The only peace i findia when i go to church, help out other people, or, shamefully, flirt with other women. Its probably my way of dealing with all this... 

A friend once told me that before something can be fixed, they need to get broken. Paired with the FB quote i posted above, i truly believe that and it all does make sense. 

I havent been to church for two days, its been raining hard here in the Philippines, but I will say a prayer for everyone of us who have been given this gift of marriage separation. That we may all soar in His grace and His will.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Sorry for the typos, its kinda hard typing on my iPhone sometimes, LOL!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

DAY 87 - TURNING POINT

I'm just gonna allow my thoughts to ramble, pardon me but this will be long. 

A few posts back, I mentioned I am "seeing" another married woman, who is also on the same boat I am. A background:
- We dated 5 years ago, when I was still on the first two years of my marriage. It was both romantic and sexual and for once in my numerous infidelities, I felt I was in love, then it had to end because she knew it was wrong, but we both knew we had something special back then. Why did I start this relationship? A LOT was missing from my marriage, there was a whole lot of void in it, and I found what I wanted in her. 
- Some fun facts : My W and her have almost the same name, her H and me have almost the same name as well. They were married January 24, I was married September 24 (Same year). 

- I prayed to be cleared of that phase, and I was, for years 2 to this year, I have been "clean", I have sacrificed my emotional happiness to make my marriage work out, then it ended with a separation. 

- We have been in rare contacts during those 4 years, but were back on track now. Calling each other and texting each other everyday. I sometimes pick her up to/from work. 

- She is also married for 6 years, two beautiful kids. Her H treats her like trash, and she mentioned that she is willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of her kids having a "whole" family. 

- Today, I had to let my emotions go, she is tired from work, I know, coz I was on the phone with her on her way home, and her H is out gambling or drinking somewhere and asked that she opens the door, and cook for him, at 12 midnight (our time, Philippines).

- I told her this is too much, she deserves better than this and that she should not only serve her husband (that is the argument of her H), but she should be getting something in return: H being a good provider, good father, and good H emotionally. 

- She opened up the discussion with: Why do we have to get happiness outside of the marriage, why am I giving her more than what her H is giving her, and that she does not want to get used to this because she knows this is temporary and she does not want to fall because I am giving her what she 'needs' as a woman.

- I replied: I am scared too, just like her, but despite the fact that this could be temp, we are happy, and that this being temporary or forever would depend on how we handle it now. We are both broken, we are both healing in each others company and we fit perfectly. 5 years ago may not have been the right time for us, but now may be our chance. 

- Her reply to that: She will never be happy with something temporary, she let me go 5 years ago because she does not want to get herself into something she cant get out of. She feels that I need her now because im broken, she needs me because she has a need, were just using each other just to "forget". 

- She asked me years ago, if I was ready to let go of my family for hers, I said No. Now, I think I am ready to say Yes. (I havent told her that yet)

- I said: nobody knows if this will be forever or not, i told her i loved her now. 

- She replied (coz her husband was home by this time): Ill just clear my head, ill text you tomrorow, good night, i miss you *kiss*

- I invited her to go to Church this Sunday (I have been praying for her for the past few weeks, that she starts to heal. I've been praying for my W too, that she starts to heal and be truly happy)

- Her kids are the most important things to her, i've shown love to her kids by telling her I am willing to rush her son to the hospital when he so sick, I brought her kids chocolates (3 pcs, one for each of them) just the other day. Is that a show-off? No, I care for her kids, even if I havent met them... 




I am at my most confusing stage ever throughout this journey, I don't believe I just 'need' her, she is the ideal wife for me, she made me feel special 5 years ago, more than my wife, and her being a role-model mom to her kids, sacrificing EVERYTHING just for the kids is something I cannot see in my W right now, I've never seen it before too. She cooks, she works, she tutors her kids, she wakes up in the morning to prepare breakfast for the kids, and serves her husband who treats her like trash: something my W has NEVER done. 

I dont know what to do... Please help... Am I willing to get her and the kids and be their 'saviour'? Yes. Do I know that this will be HARD and complicated? Yes. Am I willing to risk it? Yes. Am I willing to talk to my W's family about this move? Yes. Am I willing to let go of my W completely? Yes. Do I want this to last? Yes. Is the feeling mutual? I'm not sure - my gut says it is, but I know she is more scared than I am... 

Help...


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## Separated79

Wow..i have been following your thread as i am also a kababayan of yours...its fascinating your journey.

I love the part where you were asking god to guide you through your journey in marriage reconciliation...

Hmmm...that is your choice(freewill)god never interfere in any decision we make in our life as we are the one who is going to deal with it.He is always going to be there for us to forgive if we ever make a mistakes and resent from our sins.

You should have known since you to go church all the time for guidance from him and listen to the gospel and believe in bible 
you should have known the exact answer to all of your question now.

I know one fact of life that we all know what is right and wrong and whatever choices/decision we make there is the consequences.


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## cisco7931

Hey, kamusta?  thanks for following my thread and I hope I have helped you in a way 

- I totally agree with you, I have been praying for guidance for the past two months, and so far God has given me all the tools I needed. Usually I realize things when I am alone, when nothing is happening, thats when I see the important things now... 

Today is just one of those days where it requires a lot of faith and intellect to survive. I need time off, but where will I go? I'm at this stage now where I have to either let go of the woman (the other W) who is making me happy now, or put myself in to her fully, or continue with this crazy ride hoping things will get better. 

Either way, I know there will be consequences, you know that we don't have divorce here, and I'm not willing to spend on Separation as well. 

I'm still young, i'm just 27, but this has probably added 10 years to my emotional and spiritual age... I appreciate every single minute of it, but at the same time I just want to land somewhere... Just get it over and done with... 

(Apologies for those who do not speak the language) Ang hirap, pagod na pagod na ang utak ko...


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## Separated79

You know the road to glory is narrow and painful,
and the road to hell is much more easy and smooth

It is your choice kaibigan(friend),there is always solution to all our problem,and also it is easy to give up that to keep fighting to what we believe in.

Myself,I am going through same thing being separated,but i haven't done anything,i leave it all to HIM.

It is our emotions/thoughts that's the main thing that we have to deal with everyday.

I have Miracles of our Lord of Pardon that i read during bad days.and it says there.

Once you are the master of your heart,you will be the master of 
your life.


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## cisco7931

> Myself,I am going through same thing being separated,but i haven't done anything,i leave it all to HIM.


I have been holding on to this on my first few weeks, and have decided just lately to let Him handle me, the people around me, and my W...

That was where I saw all the signs and I have allowed Him to lead me where He wants me to go... I do get impatient sometimes but I shake it off knowing that He knows better than anyone...

The road I'm on right now is full of hurdles and roadblocks, and I'm not seeing any light at the end of it yet, just today, I'm in the middle of a fork and I do not know where to go... 

I need to breath, I need space, I need to be alone with Him... In a few minutes I'll go to church and hear mass, I'm sure i'll shed a lot of tears again (I always do when I go to church), but I know He has something planned for me...


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## Separated79

If you go to church just look at him and imagine what he has been through to save us from our sins...Im sure you have watch Passion of Christ.

I hope that you may be able make the right choices in your life.....


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## cisco7931

^ Thank you...


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## anx

I agree with separated79. I think your biblical answer should be to heal your marriage to the mother of your daughter. People do fall always for a time. Your wife is going to specifically have a hard time because her faith and marriage are so closely related. Leaving your marriage means crossing her faith. Again, it hasn't even been 3 months and you were married for 5 years I think you said, AND you messed up a lot. Let her mess up for now.

Going back to the person you cheated on your wife with and encouraging her to leave her husband is pretty clearly not the right move.

Wait for now. Cut contact with her. If in a year, you BOTH end up divorced or something then maybe, but I still strongly think you need to remain faithful to your marriage covenant. Absolutely do not encourage her to divorce her husband so you can be together. 

You need to be truly alone in this time and find true fulfillment with God. You cannot make your marriage work until you are a complete person independently. Filling the whole left from your separation with this woman is the wrong choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

I am sorry to butt in, but I cannot see how involving other people can help heal a marriage? I understand you are ebbing at the moment, but why make things more messy? She is married?? I don't know...sounds a bit..rude.


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## cisco7931

thank you anx and that_girl for being honest with your responses. 

I guess at this point, i'm already starting to question what I want really. The three months have NOT shown any improvement on how my W and I deal with each other, no sign of reconciliation, no sign of remorse from her end (she values her work more than her family, not sure if i said that before) the only sign is she is now taking our daughter for granted and I have to fill the void...

In our 6 year of marriage, i've messed up, and given it my all while she just stayed the same, and probably improved a tad bit. 

There is one conversation I had with my W I will never forget, I asked her about the "what if's". what if she gets tired of going out with her friends drinking and going home 9AM the next day, what if she gets tired of deleting text messages she sends to that guy while she is beside me,what if she she gets tired of texting someone while we are lying in bed naked after making love, what if after she gets tired in doing all that and I'm gone (either dead or found someone new). You know what her response was? "Thats a consequence I am willing to face for the rest of my life" -- Hows that? How can I ever fix that "don't care attitude"

Yes, I messed up and she is messing up too, should I just be a doormat to her even if were already separated? Or should I choose to be happy....

Don't get me wrong, I am not justifying what I am doing as right, its just that, my W is making/has made everything so difficult. That same woman I cheated with, was the only woman who made me feel special and happy, and I let go of that, because I chose to just to work on my marriage, and what do I get from W? "...I am willing to face that consequence..."

Sucks... Really sucks..


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## Separated79

Cisco,


My favorite bible scripture is Corinthians 13:4

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It's sweetest thing in Life that thing called LOVE.

so everytime i feel like giving up on LOVE
i read them...
(^_^)


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## anx

Again, you have only been separated for three months, and you both cheated on your wife and walked out first. You need to wait. Change takes a long time. Sometimes people have overnight or quick realization like you did, but its not common. 

The woman you cheated with made you special and happy for a short time. Your wife probably made you happy when first dating too. People get married and then feel a crush on someone else and take it as true love. It's a crush and sex. How did you feel on your honeymoon or the weeks right after you were married or first had sex with your wife? 

If you were to marry this other woman, the same thing would happen. Love is a verb first and feeling second. If you emotionally and by your thoughts and actions leave your marriage, of course you will fall out of the feeling of love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

I know I have been pretty harsh, but I still really hope the best for you.

Proverbs 27:5 Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

I wanted to ask how many months did you cheat on your wife? You said there were several people. You don't have to answer it to anyone but yourself. If you had to wait as many months for your wife as number of months you cheated on her, would you still stick around?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

I appreciate all your direct responses, harsh or otherwise. 

Is it possible to cheat and still not take the family for granted? Thats pretty much how I was 5 years ago... 

Its been quite a while since I have confessed to this, and have asked for healing... Looking back, those have actually helped me value and appreciate what my W can offer me, its still not what I need, but probably all that she can offer, therefore I was OK with it. I was seriously accepting her for what she was for the past 5 years, I just think it was a bit unfair that were not on the same page. She said "we" have been working on the marriage for the past 3 years, I wish I knew! I thought we were OK, I offered marriage councelling, or those weekend events for couples when we were still OK, no problems at all, but she does not want to go with me... I've given my all to this marriage which was not at all appreciated, reciprocated, or at least noticed. 

I've suffered for way too long, hiding all the scars, all for the sanctity of the covenant, but apparently, I was alone in that battle. 

I wish everyone the best, or something better than what I am going through right now. We will all find peace, we will all find happiness, maybe not now, but for sure God has not forsaken anyone of us. The more we are suffering, the more attention he is giving to us...


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## cisco7931

Today has been just terrible! 

I called my daughter and told her I missed her soo much, then tears just flowed down my eyes thinking that I cant see her this weekend coz I dont have enough cash for gas... 

My W's sister and I were IM'ng over FB, and she was at the stage I was a few months ago, she was angry at the "possible" OM, and told me her observations too about how wrong I was in our relationship. She ended with: "I dont know what to do, one person wants to change, the other person doesnt want to give a chance, and me not knowing where to put myself". Told her also that I am now on the acceptance stage that this will never work out anymore.

I just had two hours of sleep coz a lot of things, I was missing her soo bad! The OW hasn't texted the entire day, she never did that, only when there is something terribly wrong... Yesterday, we were supposed to see each other after work, she cancelled on the last minute because her H texted her saying that her eldest daughter is sick. So she cancelled, when she got home, she was fuming mad! It turns out, her daughter isnt sick and her H just didnt want her to go out late (talk about using children for his selfish benefit). Then her H asked her to make him Coffee just like nothing happened!!! Today, I just checked her FB profile and it says "Separated"...

This is too much brain exercise for one day... And, oh, right, work is piling up for me too...


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## that_girl

So you are seeing a woman who is married? I don't understand.


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## cisco7931

We're not really dating each other TG, we've just been in contact and know that both of us are special to each other. 

We talk, we text, I sometimes pick her up from work etc.


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## that_girl

So you are having an EA with a married woman. Willingly.

So if her husband found out, what would happen? And your wife, does she know? I know you and your wife are basically finished, but it hasn't been that long.

Eh, sorry to sound judgmental. I just don't know how someone who has cheated, and been through that turmoil and then lost a wife can have an EA/PA whatever with a married woman.


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## cisco7931

@TG - I appreciate your candid response. 

I guess at this point, I've finally accepted the fact that were done and finished. Its been pretty challenging staying truly happy with all this, again, I'm not justifying if what I'm doing is right. I guess at this point I have made a choice to put myself first over anything else (with my daughter). More and more people are confirming that my W is already seeing OM - dont get me wrong, I'm not doing this to get back, but I'm doing this because now I need to be happy. 

I'm tired, all this is just excruciating and my brain is literally falling apart. 

We haven't talked, but from what is on FB, she's just separated from her H. I'm not rushing things, nor am I expecting that this will flourish into something great, I'll let time take its course, no one knows what will happen to our lives anyway. 

For anyone who would like to reply, I welcome any and all feedback and I won't take it against anyone.


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## anx

I put some thought into your story. I really think that you need to give your wife as much time as you cheated on her. She may have a OM. If you had not cheated or not been the one who initially walked out, I think you would be more justified in disconnecting and starting a new relationship. As it stands, she forgave your wayward actions. 

Biblicaly, you could end the marriage if she leaves the faith if cheats, but I would honor the fact that you cheated first and forgive her wayword actions as she forgave yours. She may not even have sex with someone else. She may just spend the next six months to a year fulfilling her worldly desires before wanting her family back.

Out of curiosity, how long did you cheat? Also, its not really possible to cheat and still not take your family for granted. Your time and energy were elsewhere and could have given your wide a lifelong std.
Best of luck and God bless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

You 100% need to stop this relationship with the OW until you BOTH are divorced if it ends up that way. 

I can't even say how wrong it is to think that her husband was selfish in wanting his still wife to spend time with him and not you. You need to end this now with her until both your stories work out one way or another. You are causing a rift in her marriage. Just like you needed to put your energy and time into your own marriage when you were cheating, she needs to put the same into hers.

Can you see how harmful and selfish your actions are. You are hoping your wife returns to you while drawing another man's wife from him. Don't expect your wife to come back to you and have your prays of reconciliation answered while you have an emotional affair that you had said pages ago you hoped had been sexual with a married woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

> John 15
> 1 “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
> 5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.* 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.* 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.
> *9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.* 12 My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command. 15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. 17 This is my command: Love each other.


I gave these verses as a guide. You are outside the commandments BOTH in not honoring your marriage while you are still legally married AND pulling this other woman from her marriage.

Ok, you relationship with this other woman is so CLEARLY outside your faith. You are still married to your wife and she is still married to her husband. AGAIN, end ALL CONTACT until you are BOTH divorced if that is what happens. I would not be surprised to hear that your prayers of reconciliation are not being answered because of these actions and similar with her marriage. When did you start contacting this woman? Was it before you moved out?

Do not expect that if you pull this other woman from her marriage and you leave your marriage that you will find happiness and blessing there. 

Somehow I did not fully put together your relationship with this other woman. I can't tell you how mad I am at you for acting this way and still praying for reconciliation while you yourself entertain yourself with a married woman's company who is rightly her husbands!!!


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## cisco7931

@anx - one again, thank you for your honesty and all your points are well taken. 

I can vaguely remember how long i cheated, probably a full year if you put all of it together. At this point in my life anx, I am no longer praying for reconciliation, but what I have been praying for recently is for my W to be truly happy, have peace of heart and mind (coz i still care for her as a person) and for the people arpund us who are personally helping, to have the same inner peace and acceptance. 

I have probably been delaying the inevitable, thatvi will eventually have to move on, without her and find a new romance. As hard as it maybe to understand, the past years of my marriage, i have been denying that i was slowly allowing my wife to trample on my heart. I had needs and wanta and no matter how hard i try to beg and plead for her to give those, she wont budge. Until i had to redesign what i want just so i can fit what she can give. Looking back, she has not done any "wifey" things for me. She never cooked me breakast, she never voluntarily ironed mt clothes, never wanted to watch a movie with me, her last effort to really be with me on the beach was back in 2007 (years i cheated). What do i give her? I give her love, i give her affection, i give her financial security and a good sex. And i just found out now that her and her possible EA have watched a couple of movies in a months time. More than what we watched in 6 years. 

Ive just realized lately that i have not been truly happy, even when it was after my cheating years. I am no perfect husband, i can see that now. But she isnt either, the only difference is i accept that fact, she doesnt and always blame it on me. That i wanted too much etc. 

I am still confused, but at this stage, if she turns around now, with or without my current EA, i dont think i would want her back. I will try to work on it through MC but very unlikely. Coz of the fact thay she could do this to our daughter, lie to her family and keep her EA or PA, and continue to hurt me even if she knows i have a very emotional heart and can be an emotional wreck. 

We do notnhave divorce here in my country, and legal separation costs around 5800USD. Ive just fpund out that the OW has just called it quits with her H too last night. She, too has been suffering for 7 years with a very unfulfilling marriage, and an H that treats her like a dog, nanny, maid, cook, janitress, call it whatever. 

I have been praying for one thing: that rhe Lord gives me happiness, us happiness. Including my W. 

Maybe at this stage i am no longer praying for reconciliation. I guess its really over for my marriage. I still wish my W well in life, we had pur chance but we both did not do enough to nurture oir marriage. The obly sad part now that makes me cry is my daughter, but taling my W's own words, we will separately give her so much love that she wont notice a missong piece. Do i beleive that crap? Hell no! Can i do something about it? She wont let me. Will i give my daughter that "so much" love? You bet (not sure if she will, obviously she isnt now coz she is busy with her job and her OM)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

Then be a man and get a divorce. 

And stop seeing the married woman.

Well, do what you do, but it's just seedy.


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## Ray of light

Hi, I have been following your story, and all the ups and downs have brought me comfort through my own jeurney, so thank you for that. Some times its just good to know that others are also going through simular stuff. I hope you dont think im being pushy but you really need to get a few days away with God the father to get your perspective back, because at the moment you are not seeing clearly. In no way am I judgeing you, but you are not seeing clearly, which is understanderble. The ow that you are involved with is on her own jerurney with her H and you need to be gentalman and step out of the way so God can do what he is doing in her. She also has children, do you want to be responsible for any part in that pain. Regardless of what is happening in her life thats not your concern. You know the pain of seperation and you are going to be a party to bringing that pain on to her H. You shouldnt judge him that is Gods job. At the moment you are trying to smother your own pain by distracting yourself with this other woman, the pain will not go away like this. Trust me when I say I do no the pain you are trying to hide from. The best thing you can do right now is nothing, just be still and no that God is God, and trust him. Dont look at your circumstances, look at God and have faith that he will work all things for the good of those who love him. I hope I havent ofended you in any way. Im praying for you and your wife. God Bless


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## cisco7931

Wow, its been a couple of days since I was last here...

@ TG and anz - Thanks for your responses, as always. I know both of you meant no harm with what you said or anything, and I am taking them all in, and I am not thinking anyone here is being judgemental. 

Just an update, my ex-W texted me yesterday, telling me that she will go with our daughter to her school field trip, it hit me like a sharp arrow, coz it was the three of us last year. Yes, she texted, coz tomorrow is payday again, and if you have been watching my story, all hell breaks loose during payday.

She asked if I can pay for the field trip tomorrow, or wanted to wait until the next one (well, that's new), told her it would have to be the next and that I will take my daughter to our place on Friday, returning Sunday, she's Ok with it since she was on leave yesterday and the day before and that she has spent time with her (going to a nearby mall, sheesh, thats all she can offer?!)

Oh well... Thats that... 

Regarding the OW, I'm still at a loss. She is the only one making me smile now, I still see her, just yesterday morning and dropped her off to work. We kissed, and the texting continues. She tells me when its her lunch break, she lets me know what she is cooking for dinner, when she wakes up, when she goes home, what she is doing for her kids, she even calls me sometimes (she sometimes wakes me up, but hearing her voice half-asleep is like a dream to me)

With your current story anx and tg (I dont mean to compare), you are seeing hope in your broken marriages. You are in the same house, one of your partners are saying "not now",both going through counselling etc, therefore, there IS hope, you and your partners are at least trying, mine: Nada, ziltch, zero, gone, dead... If I were in your situations, I would have given everything up, I would have let go of the OW to work 100% on my marriage, but sadly that is not the case for me. 

I need to be happy, I need to find me a new romance. I need to leave my past behind and move on. Its been 7 years since I have put everyone else but myself first, I think now is the time I think about me... 

I've been praying for peace, for happiness, for healing of my wife and the people around us, if and when we finally decide its over. Honestly, I still have like 5% left in me that wants to make this work, but its slowly dying... I am being careful with what I am trying to pursue though, coz I know the OW isnt sure about anything yet... Only time will tell, in the mean time, were enjoying what we have now, finding strength in one another, and striving to be happy again...


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## Separated79

It is so easy to give up to every hardship in life,it's like taking the shortcut instead.
That is why we will never gonna know if we had actually made it or not.
But life is all about choices,for whatever reason we have.

Maybe,your wife has known you too well already and she might already believe at the first place that it won't take long for you to pursue her.
It taken you for a year to have an affair and she took it,then it only took you 3 months to give up on her.
Well,we all are in journey in finding happiness and i wish you goodluck on your new path,it could be the right love at the wrong time or the other way.
God will never judge us on whatever we do,He will always be there for us no matter what.


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## anx

We are actually separated a second time. I updated my story just a little, but yes there is a ton of hope in my story. I still just think what happened is very shady. You messed up cheating and then walking out. You are separated, but for 3 months of a 5+ year relationship. 

You can start a new life with this OW and forgiveness. However, if your wife comes back and wants reconciliation what will you do? I still think you should honor that first in your and the OW relationship.

On this time however, you need to read the bible if you aren't. It takes about 3-6 months to get through with some serious reading. The new testament is far shorter and can be done in a few weeks to a month.

Blessings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## karole

I have to agree w/Anx on this. You destroying your own life is one thing but to conscioiusly destroy another family is dispicable! You do realize that even if you and this woman end up together it will never be a happy, lasting marriage don't you? How could she ever trust a man that would cheat on his wife and how could you ever trust a woman who cheats on her husband? I don't care what the circumstances are, it is morally wrong to see someone while you are married. Two wrongs do not make one right. Also, 

Galatians 6:7 ". . . .for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap." Think about that.


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## anx

Breaking Covenant Through Divorce
Malachi 2 

10 Do we not all have one Father * ? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our ancestors by being unfaithful to one another?

11 Judah has been unfaithful. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the LORD loves by marrying women who worship a foreign god. 12 As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the LORD remove him from the tents of Jacob [c] —even though he brings an offering to the LORD Almighty.

13 Another thing you do: You flood the LORD’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer looks with favor on your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14 You ask, “Why?” It is because the LORD is the witness between you and the wife of your youth. You have been unfaithful to her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.

15 Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. [d] So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

16 “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the LORD, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” [e] says the LORD Almighty.

So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Posted via Mobile Device*


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## cisco7931

Ok, today is another day and my life still sucks to be honest with everyone. 

Going back to the moths I had cheated on her and had numerous affairs, I'm not sure if I mentioned it before, but those were lessons in my life and have left an invaluable moral in my heart: Never Leave your Wife for Anything Else... That was the primary reason why for years 2-5 of my marriage, I gave my wife and daughter my EVERYTHING, leaving nothing for myself (which was obviously a mistake). 

Cheating wasn't right in the first place, I made that decision, was happy for a time, turned away from it, and looked back at it with a smile knowing that it had made me a better husband for my wife. 

Not sure if that makes sense at all. 

Fast forward again to the words that continue to haunt me to this day, these again are the same words from my Ex:

Cisco: What if you realize that you are tired of your friends, tired of being "single" and either 1) I'm dead or 2) found someone new to give me the love I deserve
Ex: "Then that would be a consequence I am willing to face for the rest of my life"

Loosely Translated: I don't give a *F if I end up without you, I will be myself, enjoy being single for now, drink with my friends, prioritize my work over you or our daughter, so back off!

Can anyone fully blame me for pursuing finding another romance? I can't just lie on my bed after work alone without a partner. 

BTW, here's the thread I started about my ex wanting to be Single:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/24958-wife-wants-single.html

@Karole - Thanks for your insight as well, the OW's marriage is already broken, well, to be honest from what she said, it wasn't even a marriage she wanted to begin with. She just married because she "has" to, everything paid for, everything set etc.... Her H treats her like crap and she is just putting aside her own happiness for her kids, just so the kids can have a "whole" family despite the fact that she is not whole herself. I am not trying to destroy her marriage because it is already a shattered marriage. I wanted to give her something more, I want to give her kids a better view of "family"... But thats going to far down the road, we are NOT in a relationship now. We are just friends for now and becoming each other's confidante. 

Perfect example of how her H doesnt give importance to their marriage? What H in his right mind would put a FB relationship status of "separated" using her wife's account just to find out if someone (particularly other men) will react?


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## anx

You can in fact lie in bed alone. I have spend the last month seriously reading the Bible. I get home,take a nap because I'm exhausted from work and emotionally drained, fast until sundown, get in my bed with my bible a pen, my phone , and my journal. I chose to fill the painful void and feelings of abandonment with God.

My wife actually told me before she moved out that she should just have sex with someone else so I would leave her alone. I chose to honor our covenent even when she couldn't. She gave me the same tone that "I don't care and need to be single".

You are right she doesn't care right now. If any woman was cheated on, and then left she would feel like that. Your actions played a huge role in that.

You swung too far from cheating to totally giving yourself to the point of resentment. There is a happy middle point. You didn't mean to and meant good things.

I strongly think that you need some time alone. Tell the OW that you would like two weeks without contact and go home and read the entire new testement and be constantly praying. The choices you make in the next few weeks will define the rest of your life. Make the choices with very serious contimplation and prayer. Your marriage may be over and this ow may turn out to be a blessing. Please take at least some time to clear your head alone.

BLESSINGS
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

> If any woman was cheated on, and then left she would feel like that. Your actions played a huge role in that.


Not sure anx if I've mentioned this before, but my W never knew about it. I'm 100% certain, coz if she found out, it would have surfaced during our numerous heated arguments about this separation. 



> I strongly think that you need some time alone. Tell the OW that you would like two weeks without contact and go home and read the entire new testement and be constantly praying. The choices you make in the next few weeks will define the rest of your life. Make the choices with very serious contimplation and prayer. Your marriage may be over and this ow may turn out to be a blessing. Please take at least some time to clear your head alone.


I totally agree with this buddy, I've been thinking long and hard how to do this without my head being clouded with depression, anxiety, sadness, the works! I just want to get away from all this but dont know how! 

I feel like throwing up in this roller-coaster emotion (figuratively). Just a few hours ago I was lonely, reading through my ex's IM conversation on our last few weeks (where I now see signs of a dying marriage), then a minute after visioning me and the OW's past few days together and our possible future and I feel chills up my spine, then just all of a sudden browsed the net for a theme park me and my daughter can go to tomorrow and suddenly i'm all smiles. 

Up-Down-Mid-Down-Up-Extreme Up-Extreme Down-Down-Up-Numb... Geez, when will this stop?!?!?! I just wanna throw up, can someone just please stop this roller coaster ride for pete's sake! :s


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## that_girl

You choose to ride the roller coaster.

Become centered. Release your ego. Be alone.


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## cisco7931

If I haven't told you this yet anx, you are in a far better place I am. You seem to be fully in control of the entire situation, partly because you are seeing hope in your marriage, partly because of your faith maybe. 

But I admire your courage and steadfast attitude on what you want. I'm not at that stage yet... 

Again, I admire where you're at now. May He continue to bless you...




> You choose to ride the roller coaster.


As hard as it may seem to admit, I agree with yah. I just know that if I don't have these distractions (similar to my situation back in May), I would be flat on the floor... No Ups, just a flat line...

It sucks either way...


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## anx

Really the only peace I have found is with God and his stability. 

I suggest so strongly that for two weeks you have no contact with ow, limited contact with the wife, and as much contact with daughter as you can. Take a short nap after work(wake up refreshed) , lock yourself in a quiet, low light room in your place and start reading the new testament hard. Take breaks for food, water, etc. If you can't concentrate, leave for a bit to read the news, reviewing some radio or tv and come back later. Skip around. Psalms, and proverbs, and a minor prophet to break it up if you want. It's really the only peace I have found and keeps me going. 

I have been serving everyone. I making food for people at work, help in everyone I can, anything. 

Please do it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1

Cisco, I can't read this anymore without speaking up. You are dancing around a serious issue and I expect its because you don't want to see it as an issue. You are having an affair with a married woman. You are, in fact, still married yourself. You talk about God in previous posts so I have to assume you do believe. You and the OW are both married! It doesn't matter how "over" your marriages might be. IT IS WRONG.

You keep comparing your situation to Anx and talking about how if you still had hope as he does then maybe you wouldn't be doing it. You are justifying your actions. Guess what... I'm am in a VERY hopeless situation. My wife has left, filed, seeing other men, we have 2 young kids... Not too different from you. I choose NOT to see other women until I'm divorced. It is your choice if you want to see other women prior to being divorced. I don't think its right, but its your call. But do you want to know why I think you're acting especially like scum right now? You are potentially destroying another family that MIGHT make it if you weren't involved. What if this OW and her husband could work it out? It really doesn't matter if she says he's a total piece of **** and treats her like a dog! Isn't that what all waywards say? And yet many waywards find their way home. You are in the way of allowing that to potentially happen. You are decreasing any chance that her innocent children might have of getting to grow up with a complete family. GO BE ALONE WITH GOD FOR AWHILE. That is what you should be doing right now. You don't need a woman to fill the void. You need a relationship with God and to learn how to be what He is calling YOU to be.

My wife and I have been physically separated for nearly six months. Its inevitable for us it seems. But I still wear a ring because I am still married. The idea of finding someone that makes me feel special is very enticing. But it will prevent me from growing. The idea of getting with someone who is also still married but separated absolutely sickens me. I do not want the blood of that marriage on my hands. You shouldn't either.

My step dad told me something a couple weeks ago that I haven't been able to stop thinking about... You see, he started dating my mom before she and my dad were actually divorced. My dad wanted to get back together but my mom had too much resentment and bitterness toward him. Out of anger and hurt she started seeing a man who very quickly seemed to have won her heart. As soon as the divorce was final she married him. Don't get me wrong, he's a fantastic guy. To this day, I still refer to him as my step dad even though he and my mom were only married for about 5 years before she initiated her second divorce. (This was 25 years ago)

But while discussing details of my situation with him a couple weeks ago, he started tearing up. He told me that he has one regret that has haunted him for the last 25 years. He said "I've always wondered if I wasn't in the picture, if your mom and dad would have had a chance to get back together. I've always felt like I could have been the reason that you kids didn't get to grow up with your mom and dad together."

I sure as hell don't want to live with that kind of guilt. Do you?


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## Dedicated2Her

Cisco, listen to anx. He has good advice on this. You are letting your feelings and emotions drive your actions. Reading/praying/sparking your love affair with Christ is going to make your feelings subservient to biblical action. Do u think Jesus "felt" like forgiving his enemies on the cross? No, but his feelings were subservient to his higher purpose. Read Corinthians 2 chapter 1. Paul is in emotional pain at this time. God is calling for you cisco through your circumstances, and you choose to seek refuge in another woman??????? Sheesh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931

Wow... Its been a while since I've been here. 

Got lots of updates with how my life has progressed so far. I intended to be away from this forum and just do things on my own, with a few of my close friends guiding me. 

I'll try to keep my updates as short as possible, in bullet points so it would be easier to read. 

Updates with my ex-wife:

- Very recently (last Monday), we had that talk. A first in 5 months since we separated last May 9th. 
- We had a pretty good talk. It was light, and fun. That was the first time ever we were together to just talk for 5 hours. Yes, first time since we got married 6 years ago. 
- Her issue with me: I never listen to her. Sad, but it was true. We both cried over the demise of our marriage. 
- We agreed that it was over for us. Days before, I prayed to God for closure, and I had it. 
- She said it wasnt true that she is neglecting our daughter. I told he it wasnt me who is saying it, it was HER family at home who is seeing it. I still believed her and felt sorry I judged her. 
- We agreed taht we will go out and see each other. 
- She wanted the three of us to go out and sea a movie, go to the park etc. But careful about our next steps because we both agreed we dont want to give false hopes to ANYONE that we will get back together. 
- She said the OM was never the reason she left me, I believed her. She also said that they only had something between them, something special just this August. I still believed her. 
- My goal on that day - to feel my heart if I still loved her. Result - No. I didnt feel anything at all. 
- I told her about my OW too. We both accepted that fact. 
- She joked about me, my OW and her and her OM to go out sometime. I wanted that. I wanted acceptance, and I wanted openes. It would be beautiful if that happens. The four of us finally happy.  
- OUr problem was how we can become a team to handle our daughter and the pain this separation caused her family. 
- Last weekend was the first time I was at her parents place and she was on the same floor I was. The family was surprised, my daughter even whispered to me "Daddy, mommy still knows you!" She smiled and kissed me. Ouch...
- SHe borrowed my laptop to check on her FB. Stupid her she didnt log out before the battery went dead. THe day after, I logged in to check my FB and found out she didnt logout. Of course I looked at the messages. BOOM! Saw exchanges of I love you's and I love you More's (the more came from her) MAY 17!!!! One week after we separated. 
- I believed all the good things she said when we spoke for 5 hours. But obviously, she lied about the OM. WHat else is she lying about? Her not neglecting our daugher? I wouldnt be surprised. 
- Were still civil. We still text regularly and I'm controlling myself to tell her what I know. I asked if she wanted to introduce the OM to the family, and if they already had I Love You's... She said NO - Obviously a lie coz those were their conversations. 
- I wanted so badly to do one of two things:
1. Tell her what I know and demand she comes out clean and tell her family about it. We will still remain separated, I dont want her back. 
2. Resign from work, stay at home and be a mother for once to our child. We will still remain separated, I dont want her back. And NO ONE will know about what I know

-- WHat do you guys think?

Updates about the "OW"
- Were still going strong, we still see each other every day, kiss to/from work etc. 
- Yes, we already did "it", last August 27. It was just beautiful, nothing wild or fancy. Just romantic.
- On her last birthday, I wanted it to be special. I asked a girlfriend to be part of my plan. She called the OWs home, asked their nanny to ask the two kids to write a birthday card for their mom. And that was one of my two gifts. She appreciated it sooo much and was overly happy about my gift. 
- She said she feels so guilty about all the things i've been doing, that she cant return the favor because of our situation (her still being married, cant leave the H for the kids etc). She wants to know what my plans are (obviously I want to take her and her kids and take care of them). 
- She said she wants to nullify their marriage. I told her I know how to do it the legal and cost-effective way. She only mentioned it once, but at least were getting somewhere. 
- Her mom just recently had an operation. She was scared, I was there to comfort and lend a helping "car" when she needed it. I offered a priest to go and see her mom before the operation. All that, she repayed with a simple "i appreciate everything you have done". And thats all i needed. Basically, I was the wall she leaned on to at the most difficult part of her life. 
- I know where she lives now! She let me drive her home in front of her mothers house (something she NEVER did before). She let me drive around the village she grew up in. She asks me sometimes to drive near her house too, where her kids and H lives. In a way, she is allowing me to be closer. SHe also told me the first night i brought her home "now you know where to find me if you need to" - I was hurt before, I asked her, what if you loose your cellphone, how can i find you - she responded - that that might be a sign we should stop. THen she does this... She obviously means she wants to keep this relationship, right?
- I already saw her kids (i sat on the table next to them one time, and we were just texting). I know she isnt ready to introduce me yet. 
- I also know her friends from work now. She told me before that she doesnt want anyone to know about us, she wants this to be discreet. Now were out with her friends, though no words are spoken. They are not stupid to now know something is going on. 
- A song played in my car, and I knew it was for her. I told her, that was my song for her. She said: you are very sweet, but i dont want to appreciate those things. I dont believe in it. I have a wall since ive been hurt so many times. I will not let a man hurt me again. (I know about the wall.. she puts it down sometimes obviously, and puts it up again). 
- I told her about the talk my ex had. I told her its finally over. The next day we met, i felt our conversation was really light. It felt good (could she be waiting for that assurance? Coz i told her before me and my ex just dont talk). 
- Today was a pretty good drive from work. We laughed, we sang on the car. And of course we kissed. 



I am searching my heart for a loong time. And realized that with the OW, unconsciously, I have been a good listener (something I wasnt with my W), she often tells me problems about her H, I know when her kids are sick and when they are well. I help out with her kids school work etc. Basically, I am her H in a way, but we are not comitted. 

I am someone who always want assurance, wants something better. I never asked for anything from the OW, since I have accepted where we stand in this relationship. 

Pretty much what im saying is: I have changed and matured in a lot of ways since ive been with her. Were just going on 3 months, and we still have a long way to go. 

I still go to church everyday. Asking God to bless me and the OW, and guide us.. It has been beautiful for quite a long time. 

I will go to a retreat next month, I need help. I need to search my heart. I want to get back at my W and have sweet revenge. I want to take the upper hand this time, she has been having all the good things for the longest time while I suffered. But I dont know if my heart can handle revenge... Or should I just remain quiet and calm and let this all go. 

I am happy now. It is hard to be the OM in me OWs life. I still have my ups and downs. If you ask me now what I want? I want to get my daughter, be with the OW and her kids and start over. I also want our families to accept the new additions to our lives. That to me would be perfect.


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## that_girl

So you're dating a married woman?

Sick.


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## Shaggy

How can you go to church and be the OM? Sick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Soccerfan73

You asked G*d to bless you and your married lover? :scratchhead:

Good luck with that.


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## cisco7931

Ok, let's do this again guys. While I appreciate the thoughts the last three replies have mentioned, reading through the past 10 pages you would clearly know that this journey hasn't been easy for me at all. 

I'm asking for mature understanding and advise from anyone in this thread. What I have posted is just the surface of my situation and I dont think anyone has the right to judge me or my situation outright, no offense meant to anyone. If you backread, the OW I'm with is also close to filling for divorce. All were doing is filling the void our partners left in our lives. 


Lets start over. What would I do with my ex Wife? I am so close to filling for divorce just to end this. 

Should I spill what I know to her family? Spill the affair anonymously at work? While I know that revenge is morally wrong, I'm sure 90% of people who went through the same hell I did are considering it. I'm no hypocrite, but I am still undecided. 

I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks. 

Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.

1. She resigns from work, throw her cellphone away and cuts contact with her OM 100% and focus on becoming a mother for the first time in 5 years for a change. 

2. She spills her secret to her family and suffer whatever consequence they will impose, and I take custody of my daughter. 

3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers. 

Both options I will NOT take her back.

or the fun part:

4. Send anonymous emails/snail mails to her family and her closest friends, and send an email to her work place with a screenshot of their sweet conversation. (I have 20 of them)

Thoughts? Opinions?


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## kekel1123

cisco7931 said:


> Ok, let's do this again guys. While I appreciate the thoughts the last three replies have mentioned, reading through the past 10 pages you would clearly know that this journey hasn't been easy for me at all.
> 
> I'm asking for mature understanding and advise from anyone in this thread. What I have posted is just the surface of my situation and I dont think anyone has the right to judge me or my situation outright, no offense meant to anyone. If you backread, the OW I'm with is also close to filling for divorce. All were doing is filling the void our partners left in our lives.
> 
> 
> Lets start over. What would I do with my ex Wife? I am so close to filling for divorce just to end this.
> 
> Should I spill what I know to her family? Spill the affair anonymously at work? While I know that revenge is morally wrong, I'm sure 90% of people who went through the same hell I did are considering it. I'm no hypocrite, but I am still undecided.
> 
> I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.
> 
> Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.
> 
> 1. She resigns from work, throw her cellphone away and cuts contact with her OM 100% and focus on becoming a mother for the first time in 5 years for a change.
> 
> 2. She spills her secret to her family and suffer whatever consequence they will impose, and I take custody of my daughter.
> 
> 3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.
> 
> Both options I will NOT take her back.
> 
> or the fun part:
> 
> 4. Send anonymous emails/snail mails to her family and her closest friends, and send an email to her work place with a screenshot of their sweet conversation. (I have 20 of them)
> 
> Thoughts? Opinions?


An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....


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## Soccerfan73

So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair? 

I know, she did it first and yours is a unique and true love, not an affair. 

My mature understanding is that a person should be divorced first, THEN date *single *people.


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## cisco7931

> An eye for an eye makes us both blind..... If your happy to make revenge, be it but what shall you got? Non will be a winner! the only loser will be your daughter! right? think like an adult either one of you or both of you for your daughter's sake! That's my 2 cents opinion.....


That is what is making me think really... I dont intend to win her back, she obviously is choosing her own selfish hapiness at the expense of our daughter, if she takes the first option, my daughter wins coz she gets to have a mother she never had. Option 2 is for my ex-wife, is she wants to continue her happiness with the OM, then so be it, but I will take my daughter. Either way, my daughter doesnt have either of us. I dont live in their house anymore and the only people taking care of my daughter are my in-laws becuase she is busy "working" - she does not support anyone financially btw, 90% of her money is just for her. 

I know I need to CAREFULLY think about this because this might backfire.



> So, you are wondering if you should out your wife's affair to her family while you are also having an affair?


That is a very good point, and I know it is true. At this stage soccerfan, all I want is one thing: A Whole Family. And a family built on deceit, infidelity and mistrust is not something I would want. 

If I lived in a perfect world, I will take my daughter, be with my OW and her kids and well live hapilly ever after. all our families will accept the new relationship yadah yadah yadah..BUt we dont live in one. THe OW and me are not committed btw, we just see each other everyday, talk about our kids etc etc... 

She also wants the same thing: a family... I know it is too early to say, weve just been "going out" for 3 months and weve both been in sucky marriages and (pardon me for the word) worthless spouses for 6 years (hers was 7) Two wrongs do not make a right, I know that... We are both slowly making steps, nothing quick, nothing instant, for this relationship. 

Putting my bitterness hat on, my ex W jumped into another relationship with her not fixing her own issues, I know that relationship is bound to fail. I just CANNOT fathom the thought that she lied to me, wanted to lie to our daughter, lied to her crying grandmother/father/mother/sisters all for THAT OM. 

Not sure if you caught that part of my previous post, that she wants her, our daughter and me to go out sometime. WHAT THE HELL DOES SHE WANT, she wants to be a mother on Saturday and be with the OM on the other days?! I would NOT give her that luxury at all! Thats too much, I can accept what she did with me but for our daughter to be part of her "single" phase and her lies is just TOO much for me. 

I love my daugther too much and seeing her mother like this is just absolutely unacceptable. Ive got to love my OW primarily for what my ex W is not: A Loving, sacrificing, caring mother to her kids. 


Thank you for switching gears with your responses btw, i really appreciate it...


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## Shaggy

Ok here's advice go for complete and total exposé. Of both you and her affairs. Do it one nice big note. Come clean to everyone about everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx

> I know that relationship is bound to fail. I just CANNOT fathom the thought that she lied to me, wanted to lie to our daughter, lied to her crying grandmother/father/mother/sisters all for THAT OM.


I really don't understand cisco. Your marriage is done and dead. 

You cheated on your wife early in your marriage. She cheated after you walked out and separated from her. 

You lied many times. Have you ever told her you cheated on her early in your marriage?

I don't get why you want revenge on your wife. 

Move on and give up the malice towards your wife. 

Ephesians 4


> 29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.


Forgive and move on.




> I'm no hypocrite


I don't agree.



> I want to take the upper hand this time. I've been pretty much suffering for the past 6 months, every single day. I have been crying my guts out for the past 2 weeks.


 She has suffered as well. You clearly spelled out how you treated her and how terrible she felt.



> Here's what I'm thinking of, all selfless IMO.


I don't agree at all that its selfless.



> 3. Just let them go, let them have the time of their lives at the expense of the lies and the neglect for my daughter while they f* around and remain lovers.


 Isn't this exactly what you are doing? Didn't you lie to your wife about your affair and now you are pursuing the same woman.

Mathew 18


> 23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
> 26 “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
> 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
> 29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
> 30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
> 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
> 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”


Do you understand this parable? You were forgiven. Forgive your wife. Move on.


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## Separated79

Just file for annulment and proper child visitation/custody/right...
Put everything in the right place....
There's nothing more complicated than that...
You both have the right to be happy whatever that means to all of you...
That's it really...
Make a decision once and for all and stop the blame shifting...
You both need to heal...you can't heal together so it is best to heal separately...
Have pity on your daughter...
Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...


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## cisco7931

> Have pity on your daughter...
> Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...


This is what I am seriously afraid of, I told my ex W about this fear I have and I have text messages that seems that she doesnt care and she is confident it will not happen to our daughter. 

My ex W and I were texting this afternoon, I told her I have and will forgive and me and her family still loves her even if I know what I know. She still continues to deny ANYTHING is happening between her and her OM... Told her what I know isnt because someone told me something was up (thats her self-pity statements, that I should know her better etc), I told her I have proof and she still denies it, though I havent really shown her what i have, I will if given the chance and see what her reaction is... you may want to ask what my intent is? i wish i freakin' knew... 

I cant spill this revenge for her, I told her her secret is safe with me, i cant hurt her family FOR her, she will eventually do it herself, thats beyond my control... that part i know...

@ anx - I am ready to come clean to my ex W and spill everything I've done before... For what you may ask? I dont know... Probably there is still something in me that wants to make this work for the benefit of a lot of people, particularly our daughter. Am i willing to give up the OW? I can, it wont be easy since I have fallen for her... 

I'm just in a total wreck right now... My ex W is a liar, the OW I'm with and I aren't committed since were too afraid of the complications, and my daughter just told me today she loves me more than she loves her mom... 

This whirlpool of s* i'm in right now seem to doesnt want to end... I'm off for a catholic retreat on the 19th, and have signed up for a single parent's support group in my area.... 

I dont know where to pickup myself from this s* i'm in... I'm no perfect husband, let a lone a perfect person, but it just freakin' hurts now... I thought when my ex W and I are now on speaking terms it would be easier, but it probably hurts more now than ever... 

I hope its easy to just DECIDE to stop the pain, move on and be merry... I just dont know where to start and how to do that... 

Just to further complicate things: Should I let my ex W join me and my daughter when we go out for our weekends? Is that a good thing to make her FEEL what a FAMILY is like or is that a stupid idea?


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## anx

Separated79 said:


> Just file for annulment and proper child visitation/custody/right...
> Put everything in the right place....
> There's nothing more complicated than that...
> You both have the right to be happy whatever that means to all of you...
> That's it really...
> Make a decision once and for all and stop the blame shifting...
> You both need to heal...you can't heal together so it is best to heal separately...
> Have pity on your daughter...
> Or someday you will see it happen on your own daughter's marriage...


I agree with all of this. Get right in your relationships. Its great you are going to church, but you need to align your life with that as well.



> I'm just in a total wreck right now... My ex W is a liar, the OW I'm with and I aren't committed since were too afraid of the complications, and my daughter just told me today she loves me more than she loves her mom...
> 
> This whirlpool of s* i'm in right now seem to doesnt want to end...


This needs to get cleaned up.

If your relationship with your wife is over (you have both cheated), then end it. You said divorce isn't legal in your country. I'm not sure what your options are.

The woman who you are seeing and sleeping with either needs to become your wife OR go back to her husband. It will cause nothing put pain and garbage until that's fixed one way or the other. This not committed but still talking all the time and having sex isn't right. Take her as your wife or end it. There will be consequences just like there were consequences for you, your wife, the woman you cheated with, and her husband. Take those consequences and clean this up.

Clean up these relationships and I'll think you'll only find peace then. 



> Should I let my ex W join me and my daughter when we go out for our weekends? Is that a good thing to make her FEEL what a FAMILY is like or is that a stupid idea?


 I think either way would be fine. The details of it or if they go smoothly would decide it for me.


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## Dedicated2Her

Cisco,
I probably am going to be in the minority. Drop the other woman. Drop your wife (for now). You need to work on you. You are a MESS! Only speak to your wife as a coparent. Get yourself with a really good faith based therapist or a proven mentor. God changes hearts, but the first one who needs the change is YOU. 

You have to find your identity in Christ because until you do that this is all folly. You have a covenant relationship with the mother of your daughter, but you have codependent issues in which you need a woman. (And before anyone says she broke covenant with the cheating, I'll say that the covenant exists with God, not her) Those "woman approval" and codependent issues have to be resolved before you can engage in a mutually beneficial relationship with anyone. 

STEP BACK.


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## cisco7931

^ a lot of my friends have been telling me just that: STEP BACK, STOP, PAUSE... 

I wish I knew the secret formula to just switch my whole self to stop and be single for now. There's just so much I want in the OW and her kids. I want to take care of them, I want to be part of them, with my daughter and eventually a happily ever after... But its not all that easy...

If you ask me now, I've made a decision, my ex W is in a world on her own now, she lies, she is deceitful, she turned her back on everyone and everything she knew, all for a man she just new for a few months. 

I'm in the same hell with the OW anyway, I am getting to know her now, but barely know her at all really. A family-centered friend told me: Listen to your heart. Well, my heart is just full of pain right now and I cant hear it... 

I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to where I need to go. I don't ask for anything, I just ask to be guided, and I'm asking for Him to not ever leave me...  

This is just too much to handle for a young man I am... I am thankful this happened, yes, coz i've grown and matured to extents no one can imagine. But i'm badly bruised, beaten and confused really. 

I just want it to stop too, I want to take a step back and just be ME, but I dont know how... I'm sick, yes, I'm sick and im messed up, thats what I am... Heck thats the only certain thing now...

And BTW, my daughter just told me yesterday, she loves me more than she loves her mom... This is just sad, I dont want her to think that way, but I didnt do anything for her to think that way, her mother did all these which resulted to her little heart finding its way out and looking to me for love... Sad, just sad.


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## Separated79

It seems that to me the main struggle(problem) is in within you...not with anybody else...

You can't figure out what you really want...
You based your decision mostly,in your emotion not with mind.
You can't cope being alone,that's why you have to be with someone else either for the right or wrong reason.
Your in an emotional turmoil.
You will never be able to solve any problem in your life based on the way how you handle things right now....
You been married and been separated...and never really put things in right place...then you went to another worst situation in a relationship with a married woman who has also the same problem as you....It's a crazy cycle....It will never end...
But of course the choice is all down to you and as whatever the result of the urge within you...
I really do hope....that whatever you may want in life you will get and also i hope you can come out from all of this situation you are going through...i hope you can find your way back to god....and also i know you are still in the journey of whatever it maybe...but yes...we are all still hopeful for a good outcome.


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## Dedicated2Her

cisco7931 said:


> ^ a lot of my friends have been telling me just that: STEP BACK, STOP, PAUSE...
> 
> I wish I knew the secret formula to just switch my whole self to stop and be single for now. There's just so much I want in the OW and her kids. I want to take care of them, I want to be part of them, with my daughter and eventually a happily ever after... But its not all that easy...
> 
> If you ask me now, I've made a decision, my ex W is in a world on her own now, she lies, she is deceitful, she turned her back on everyone and everything she knew, all for a man she just new for a few months.
> 
> I'm in the same hell with the OW anyway, I am getting to know her now, but barely know her at all really. A family-centered friend told me: Listen to your heart. Well, my heart is just full of pain right now and I cant hear it...
> 
> I just hope and pray to God that He will guide me to where I need to go. I don't ask for anything, I just ask to be guided, and I'm asking for Him to not ever leave me...
> 
> This is just too much to handle for a young man I am... I am thankful this happened, yes, coz i've grown and matured to extents no one can imagine. But i'm badly bruised, beaten and confused really.
> 
> I just want it to stop too, I want to take a step back and just be ME, but I dont know how... I'm sick, yes, I'm sick and im messed up, thats what I am... Heck thats the only certain thing now...
> 
> And BTW, my daughter just told me yesterday, she loves me more than she loves her mom... This is just sad, I dont want her to think that way, but I didnt do anything for her to think that way, her mother did all these which resulted to her little heart finding its way out and looking to me for love... Sad, just sad.


You want to be guided???? Step back, get into the bible everyday. Stop being emotional. Make your emotions or feelings subservient to biblical action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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