# husband doesn't love me anymore



## Demon (Apr 2, 2016)

Hi, 

Need some advice please.

We've been married for 16 years and had a 6 year old disabled son together. I'm 40 and he's 54.

Our relationship has been up and down for the last 4 years. my husband is self employed and money hasn't been great since last year. He has a few debt which he's struggling to pay.

I recently found out he's been on holiday when he supposed to be on business trip. I don't know who he went with but when I confronted him about it he said he went with a friend (not another woman). I also found some woman pictures (not porn) which he said is a long distance cousin but the picture is quite intimate, the woman is with roses on the bed wearing just a top, bare legs.

He said he doesn't love me anymore and rather go on holiday alone and no he's not having an affair. I'm so angry because he spent money to go on holiday while he still have debts and I'm not really convinced about the woman. what kind of cousin send a picture of her on the bed???

When I asked him whether we can start over he said he needs time. Needs time to trust me again, whether I really love him or just words but no action.

I don't know what to do, I can't trust him anymore after he lied about his "business trip". He's not planning to separate or divorce at the moment because of our son. But my gut feeling say we'll never reconcile. He's just waiting for the right time to pack his bag.

I feel like I'm just being used. He knows I still love him and use it as leverage.

He's very secretive with his phone and laptop, all password protected.

What should I do? I'm driving myself crazy with suspicions and waiting for something might not happen (reconcile).

Thanks. 

D


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Well, he's lying.

Which is to say that he is, in fact, cheating.

Whatever you decide, do it knowing that.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Needs time to trust me again, whether I really love him or just words but no action.

Where is this coming from? Why trust you again? What have you done?

I bet he needs some testosterone, low T will make you an emotional zombie to not care about anything.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I was wondering the same thing, trust her again.


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## Demon (Apr 2, 2016)

to be honest with you all. I don't know what I've done wrong. He feels I don't pay enough attention to him. I've been doing the same things for the past 16 years. I stay with him even though he has lot of debts. I've never been away for business or personal holiday for the last 4 years because I've been trying to pay all the bills while he's struggling with debts. I've never left our son to even have a day out with my friends anymore. He also said he needs to beg me for sex. I must confessed I don't initiate it unless he ask.

I don't know what to do. I admit it will takes time to build my trust to him again. Even I kiss him now it's like kissing a statue. he let me kiss him but he's not feeling it.
He keeps saying he needs time to see whether I'll change. Again whether I'm saying I love you is real or just words. Maybe for example I say I love you but I don't care about his day at work etc.

Or it's just his excuse??

I really don't know.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He went away on holiday with another woman. He is having an affair. Please stop having any doubts about this. Please stop begging for his love. He is lying, cheating, and controlling you.

Please find your self-respect and tell him to leave. He is walking all over you and has the audacity to say he doesn't trust you. Why? Because you have acted like a faithful wife, it seems.

He is cheating on you. If you wake up to this fact, we can help you put a plan together to help yourself.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> He went away on holiday with another woman. He is having an affair. Please stop having any doubts about this. Please stop begging for his love. He is lying, cheating, and controlling you.
> 
> Please find your self-respect and tell him to leave. He is walking all over you and has the audacity to say he doesn't trust you. Why? Because you have acted like a faithful wife, it seems.
> 
> He is cheating on you. If you wake up to this fact, we can help you put a plan together to help yourself.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Demon (Apr 2, 2016)

the problem is I don't have any proof of his affair and he won't leave just like that. He's adamant he's not having an affair and he said he also has the right to live in our house as it's in joint name.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Separation. Then detach. First, both of you are focus on his debt, eliminate that as much as possible. Second, you are working two jobs, taking care of a child, and helping him out, the energy you can expend towards sex is minimal because well, stress is your first priority since it is a health hazard and your brain will cut your libido to combat stress.

Here is another thing, perhaps he should not be self-employed since he seems to fail at it. And, if his business is failing, why does he spend money on vacation? He is a huge drain on you and once you detach from him, you can get your feet under yourself again.

By detaching from the relationship, that is one less stress in your life. Also, stop worrying about his business and if you have a legal separation, your finances will be better off since he will keep going into debt and if he is bad with money, like making poor decisions to go on vacation while in debt, he deserves to fail.

Whether he is cheating or not, you do not have much proof at the moment, but his attitude and lack of respect is good enough reasons to detach. Oh, and his poor management of finances as well.

Can you get at least a legal separation and that includes finance. Do you trust him not to screw you over financially, if not, you have a son that needs you and you need to take care of yourself, you do not want to look after a grown adult as well. Honestly, your priority should be you and your son since your husband is questionable in your future. And, again, protect your own financial security and if you do not, you have yourself only to blame knowing how he is with money. So, if you lose the house, go into massive debt, you had the chance to stop before you went over the cliff but you fail yourself and child. That is the harsh reality.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So what if he says he's not cheating? He is lying and you know it. In your heart you know it.

Do the 180 to help you detach:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Then consult an attorney.

Then tell him you don't believe him. If he wants to prove he is not a cheater, then he will take a polygraph.

You have to build some strength and confidence to do this, but if you don't, you will be an unhappy doormat whose cheating husband tries to make you believe that acting like a normal wife is somehow destroying his trust. Talk about gaslighting.....if it weren't so stupid, it would be brilliant. It's like George Constanza's opposite strategy. Almost brilliant in its breathtaking stupidity.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Man, I hate cheaters.

And that's what this one is.

Please don't make the mistakes I made when I find out about my cheating husband. Don't ask if you can try again, don't cry in front of him, don't beg him not to destroy your marriage and family (he already has).

If you want to end the affair, find out who she is and tell EVERYONE you both know, including her husband if she's married. Don't worry about this making your husband mad (unless he's abusive and violent, of course). Tough sh!t. He disrespected and disregarded you so much, he took a holiday with your marital money when you're in debt, and very likely with an OW, and lied to you about it. Please remind yourself of that, over and over if you have to. And you will have to.

Please don't make the mistake of thinking you can nice him back. I'm here to tell you that's actually the worst thing you can do - it will make you look needy to him and push him further away and closer to her. Trust me about this one. But you don't want to get angry and dramatic, either - all of these actions will just validate in his mind his desire to leave you. You just distance yourself from him and work on yourself, remaining pleasant all the while, but detached. This is the dynamic of how you treat him now: like a coworker you don't care much for, but with whom you have to be professional. That's really what it is.

And he has to learn to trust YOU again??? Please. Classic Blameshifting and Gaslighting - two tell-tale behaviors of a cheater.

I'm sorry you're here, honey.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You already know he's cheating. Of course, he's going to swear black and blue he isn't because that would mean your lives would have to change. At the moment, he's not in a position to leave you so he'll keep his affair under wraps. Right now you are there to look after his son and help pay the bills. Yes, you are being used.

He's not interested in working on the marriage. He's investing all that energy into the other relationship. You need to start detaching for your own sanity because he is already detached. Someone already linked the 180.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I take it you're low drive and the financial issues as well as the stress of raising a special needs child are combining to really dampen your desire or ability to initiate. The stresses of life can put a damper on a woman's desire but most men's desire is either unchanged or actually increases. 

With you being so much younger than him, you'd think he would be all over you but if life's stress have turned you indifferent to his needs, he'll tire of always being the one to initiate to get a luke warm OK.

Many men just endure the low sex marriage but if an opportunity with another woman opens up, they're going to be too hungry to pass her up. Many times this OW is a step down from the wife but if she's enthusiastically banging him, he'll be under her spell.


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