# Feeling alone



## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

Everything I do for my husband I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I also feel like I ask for too much these days. I'm not sure if he made me this way being so attentive to me for years but now I feel like he does nothing for me. I'm always wondering if he's seeing or talking to someone else. ☹

When I ask him, he says no but I don't believe him. 

I'm trying to bring myself to leave him but I can't. How do I even do this? 


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## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

My wife and I are going through the same thing, eventually after 16 years you fall into a rut and unfortunately it takes both of you to come out of it. As a man I made my fair share of mistakes but becoming a apathetic or lazy towards our relationship was my biggest one. I'm definitely not one to be giving advice right now because I'm in the same situation but working on myself. I would suggest not focusing on what you cannot change which is your husband and instead focus on what you can change which is yourself.

Can you give us a little more detail as to how you are feeling? It sounds like your husband was very loving and supportive but has become apathetic towards the relationship over time. Is that how you feel? How do you want him to change and what can you do for yourself to change for the better?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Rockclimber said:


> I would suggest not focusing on what you cannot change which is your husband and instead focus on what you can change which is yourself.


:smile2:


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

How much has things changed between you?

Why do you think he is seeing someone else?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> Everything I do for my husband I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I also feel like I ask for too much these days. I'm not sure if he made me this way being so attentive to me for years but now I feel like he does nothing for me. I'm always wondering if he's seeing or talking to someone else. ☹
> 
> When I ask him, he says no but I don't believe him.
> 
> I'm trying to bring myself to leave him but I can't. How do I even do this?


Make a list of all the nice things he does for you over the next week, everything from the simplest courtesy of a "good morning" to the biggies like meeting you out at the car to help carry in groceries, offering to or taking a chore you usually do, giving you a big hug from behind without any expected reciprocity, picking up something for you, asked or not... you get the picture.

See where your list lands you at the end of the week, then ask yourself if your feeling unloved is warranted enough to consider leaving him and the marriage.


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## Clark88 (Nov 6, 2016)

I'm in the same boat. Together for 7 years, married a little over 1. Over night I went from the number one priority in her life to barely making the "notable mentions" list. After about 9 months of being on the back burner, I've finally picked my self up and started doing things for myself. The more I do for myself, and the less I do for her (believe me I did everything for her, including financial support and home upkeep), the happier I'm becoming and seeing myself as more inclined to leave if she doesn't change.

Start doing things to make you happy. What excites you, what makes you happy? Pick up some courses at the local community college. Pick up some hobbies. The happier you are with yourself, the happier you will be with or with out him. 


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honesty61 said:


> Everything I do for my husband I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I also feel like I ask for too much these days. I'm not sure if he made me this way being so attentive to me for years but now I feel like he does nothing for me. I'm always wondering if he's seeing or talking to someone else. ☹
> 
> When I ask him, he says no but I don't believe him.
> 
> ...


Only you will know enough about your H to know if something is off. If your gut is telling you he is up to something, do not ignore it. Sometimes our gut is the most accurate of all. Do not say anything to him about this, just keep your eyes and ears open for now. Record things down. If he is retired, does he spend time away, unexplained absences, etc?


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I haven't been on here for a while now. He's cheated on me before. The most that he told me he's done was kiss and touch. I'm not sure I entirely believe that. 

I wanted to leave him so bad before but I couldn't. 

Long story short. First time he cheated on me, it was sexting with a female. She knew he was with me apparently but they both didn't care. This happened around the 6th month of dating. I broke it off with him and a month later he managed to change my mind. 

Fast forward to 4 years later, we're engaged now and planning a wedding. The second time he cheated on me was during this time. I had to travel to Oregon for 2 weeks. He claimed he kissed her and touched a little. He also claimed that he used her because she was buying inventory from the store he owns. And she was traveling to another county to purchase and sell the inventory there. He said he also felt lonely in the 2 weeks I was gone. I broke it off with him. 
His dad begged me for weeks to give him one last chance. I gave him a second chance and continued planning the wedding. At this time we already put down payments to vendors. 

10 months later, about 1 month away from the wedding. I noticed he's been texting a lot at night. I looked at his phone and he's telling a female that she looks nice and would like to see her. Apparently she was a previous customer who purchased items from the store. I confronted him and he said it was only text messages. He gave me his phone to look through it and I did. I didn't find any evidence he was cheating besides telling a female she was cute. 

Now, he claims everything is good and he's being good to me. 

He is extremely attentive to my needs now and any peep that comes out of my mouth he does whatever I want. I never cheated on him and never gave him an incentive to even think I ever would. I always told him from the beginning I'm not a cheater and I am not. 


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's not really that hard. Imagine it like this...what would you do if he died? You'd have to figure out how to move on with your life, right? It's possible and jeez, you'll be so much happier if you do. Just say, eff this, I'm out and go. Why even waste anxiety over thinking about it? The best really comes when you don't have to worry about how you are impacting them anymore. It's liberating.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

No wonder you feel alone he is giving his attention to other women.

What will happen if you have to go out of town again and gone longer? he has giving you poor excuses for being touchy feely with other women, you need to give him some stern boundaries and let him know it better stop or you will be gone.

Also you need to get checked for any std's .


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> Everything I do for my husband I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I also feel like I ask for too much these days. I'm not sure if he made me this way being so attentive to me for years but now I feel like he does nothing for me. I'm always wondering if he's seeing or talking to someone else. ☹
> 
> When I ask him, he says no but I don't believe him.
> 
> ...


If you can't, then there is work that has yet to be done. You might need to prove to yourself that it is over a bit more. When you do this, the feeling follows, making it easier. A lot of what you have said speaks to inner turmoil. Whatever it is, turn your attention inwards and analyze what is going on in there. Additionally, there is a LOT of room for opening up to your husband. He might feel similarly, he might even take the steps necessary to reel you back in. If devoted, there is nothing wrong with giving him a chance to fulfill his role.

There is a lot of missing information from your post. Again, I think it speaks to your inner turmoil. I also think it means you aren't quite sure why you feel the way you do about all of these things. There are answers. Find them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> I haven't been on here for a while now. He's cheated on me before. The most that he told me he's done was kiss and touch. I'm not sure I entirely believe that.
> 
> I wanted to leave him so bad before but I couldn't.
> 
> ...


I am confused here want is the timeline are you just married? Was the original post before you found out about the cheating?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Do you have full access to his phone and tablet/computer?

Does he still have "business" relationships with the women he couldn't keep his paws off of?

How old are the two of you? Any kids involved?

LISTEN to the voice in your head telling you something isn't right. It is there to protect you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So...you caught him cheating *several* times before you married him - and married him anyway?


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## Rockclimber (Nov 1, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So...you caught him cheating *several* times before you married him - and married him anyway?


+1 to that.

I would only work on the marriage if you had full and complete access to his phone, computer, email, work schedule, etc etc. If he hides anything he is cheating or at least being dishonest. Be black and white with him, men are black and white creatures. Tell him you must have access to everything or the deal is off.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, "a leopard rarely changes his spots!"

Unfortunately, your H is of the very same mantra! And with no hope of real change!

If he's cheated before and is continuing to do so, it's time to execute "the 180!" And pay a visit to a good family attorney to advise you of your proprietary rights!*


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This one is easy. He has already shown you WHO HE IS, so believe him. He is a serial cheat who cannot be trusted. Let him go.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> Fast forward to 4 years later, we're engaged now and planning a wedding. The second time he cheated on me was during this time. I had to travel to Oregon for 2 weeks. He claimed he kissed her and touched a little. He also claimed that he used her because she was buying inventory from the store he owns. And she was traveling to another county to purchase and sell the inventory there. He said he also felt lonely in the 2 weeks I was gone. I broke it off with him.
> His dad begged me for weeks to give him one last chance. I gave him a second chance and continued planning the wedding. At this time we already put down payments to vendors.


Seriously, take it from someone who wishes she'd have listened to her gut. Listen to what your gut is telling you; it's usually right. Think about this: you're on here, asking for relationship help in a "hey, I'm considering separation" before you're even married. To me, that would be a huge red flag to NOT get married to this guy. Down payments can be refunded in some cases, and even if they cannot, losing that money is only a small price to pay for unhappiness, or a divorce later on. If you DO go through with the wedding, make damn sure you have a really good prenup that is fair for both parties involved.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

We're already married for 2 1/2 years now. I do have full access to everything but I prefer not to snoop. I feel like if I snoop I'm continuously have to do this. I DO checkout his phone once every 6 months or so (if I have to put a timeline on it). 

The sexting I got over, it wasn't anything physical. 

I married him because his dad begged me to give him a last chance. 

Before all of this happened, we bought a house together. We've already been financially tied together. Money isn't an issue. 

I just don't know if I should stay with him or leave him at this point. Everyday he's physically showing me he cares and he's not cheating. Example, when he gets a text message..he tilts his phone so I can see it. 

We're both in our late 20s, almost 30. 


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

Also we have no children. Surprisingly he brought up last week that he wanted to have kids. Start trying at least by end of 2017. 


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I've figured out why I've been feeling so lonely now. Apparently my husband is cheating on me....again....how can I bring myself to leave him?


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## dwvega919 (Jul 27, 2017)

Honey please do. You are worth so much more than that. I could MAYBE understand trying to reconcile after one mistake but more than that it's definitely crossed the line of abuse.
He clearly doesn't respect you and no one should have to tolerate that. 

If you're staying because you'll be lonely it's not worth it

If you're staying because of financial reasons it's not worth it 

If you're staying because you love him then you my friend have to come to a decision about what you are willing to tolerate in a marriage and those boundaries must never be crossed. 

There are many men out there that can treat you with the respect that you deserve as the Queen you are. My husband is one of those people


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> Everything I do for my husband I feel like I'm doing it wrong. I also feel like I ask for too much these days. I'm not sure if he made me this way being so attentive to me for years but now I feel like he does nothing for me. I'm always wondering if he's seeing or talking to someone else. ☹
> 
> When I ask him, he says no but I don't believe him.
> 
> ...


Edit, I just saw your husband cheated. Time to detach and build up your strength. Find your anger. You don't deserve this.

Don't let anyone talk you out of it this time. Of course his Father is going to advocate for him, remember that. You need to advocate for yourself. You are SO young you are basically starting out. You can have such a better life without him. 

Whatever you do don't get pregnant!!! It's not a panacea and will only make things worse and keep you stuck and your kids stuck with a bad father. 

Life is too short. It's also better with someone who is invested in your relationship with you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

honesty61 said:


> I've figured out why I've been feeling so lonely now. Apparently my husband is cheating on me....again....how can I bring myself to leave him?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


So sorry Honesty, but you suspected this all along, the loneliness (because his time and attention is elsewhere) the shady behaviour.

Can you give more details?
Luckily you haven't had kids yet because if he is doing this now early in the marriage can you imagine what he would be up to in a long term marriage with kids. I think it is time for you to get your ducks in a row and leave him. He is a serial cheat and was never fully committed to you even before you got married, he has always been cheating on some level. Make sure you tell his father as he is the one who asked you to give him a chance. Maybe it runs in the family?

Firstly tell your family, his family and your friends what he is doing, - put him on the defensive and let others hold him accountable for his behavior.
Find out about the OW and if she is married, expose to her spouse
Go see a lawyer and see what your options are about money, etc and get the papers organised.

You are too young to be tied to a man who does not respect you never mind care for you and what damage his cheating is doing. You will end up living a miserable life. Get out now!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

honesty61 said:


> I've figured out why I've been feeling so lonely now. Apparently my husband is cheating on me....again....how can I bring myself to leave him?


First of all, stop playing the victim. You keep claiming that you married him only because 'his father begged you.' That's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. You married him because you *wanted* to marry him, so just own it already.

Secondly, you've continually caught this jerk cheating on you and have continually chosen to STAY with him.

Each time you catch him you cry and beg him to love you, then get all excited because the phony lies and claims it was just a 'kiss,' and starts acting like you're the best thing since sliced bread - but it never lasts long. Just long enough to get you to put your blinders *back* on again so he can go off and find someone _else_ to screw around with.

Wash, rinse, *repeat*.

He has zero respect for you because YOU have no respect for yourself.

How many more times can a bunch of internet strangers tell you that your husband is a serial cheating loser and that *this will ALWAYS be your life *as long as you stay with him? 

You may have been a victim at one time but long ago you became a volunteer.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You need to realize you deserve more than what he is giving you.

Hold your head high and move forward, it will not be easy it never is but you have to do what's best for you.

also go get checked for STD's it is very important that you do this.


We are here for you, and you are not as alone as you may feel. 

Stay strong you can do this.


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## honesty61 (Aug 18, 2016)

I don't know HOW to be strong. I feel worthless. I'm ashamed. I've lived my life pleasing people around me. I don't know how I can make myself happy. I have NO support from my family, they want me to stay with him. How can I break this 


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your family wants you to stay with a man who cheats on you?? What kind of crappy family is that?? Shame on all of them!

You dont have to be strong, just leave, fake it til you make it. Do it for self preservation. He cheats because you let him, by staying no matter what he does, and you need to realize that he is going to keep doing it. Getting away from someone who cares so little for you that they would do this to you over and over, will give you a chance to find yourself and your dignity and self respect. You will never have those things if you continue this way.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your family knows about his various affairs and wants you to stay with him? Dump them, too.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

honesty61 said:


> I don't know HOW to be strong. I feel worthless. I'm ashamed. I've lived my life pleasing people around me. I don't know how I can make myself happy. I have NO support from my family, they want me to stay with him. How can I break this
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Stand up and put on your big girl panties and go your own way or continue to live like you are.

No one is going to fix this for you


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How do you become strong? You remind yourself this is what your life will be like for the next 50 years because you're married to a serial cheater. Not very appealing? Then make a plan to get out and implement it.


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