# male v female HD v LD



## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

im interested to know if more males or females have high sex drive or low sex drive
personally i have a very high sex drive.. 
FEMALE HD


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

my husband has lower sex drive than me..


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think there needs to be options for "normal." If you're not "high" does that automatically make you "low?"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think there needs to be options for "normal." If you're not "high" does that automatically make you "low?"


HD/LD is subjective, and is always relative to ones partner.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

There was no insane drive option so I had to settle for HD.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Here I am reading LD and HD as relative to your partner. Not surprisingly most posters are HD since they are the ones most likely to come to a site like this. Many LDs are unaware that there is a serious problem in their relationships (though certainly some are).


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I see that no one admits to being LD or all the LD partners are not frustrated enough to be here.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It figures. So far 12 people have voted, all 12 are HD. The HDs are champing at the bit to vote while the LDs stay away.

:lol:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are far fewer LDs posting on TAM than HDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

So far the posters in this thread are a roll call of TAM HDs. Like moths to a flame.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I've been around this forum for four years now. There have been a few LD women around. In fact there is one posting right now: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/286993-im-asexual-follow-up-post.html

Anyone LD around here needs to have a thick skin or they won't last long. It is similar to wayward spouses over on CWI - their own spouse doesn't care they are unhappy, so they vend to someone who actually is trying. It doesn't make it right.

There has also been several women who were LD in their late 20's / early 30's in the young children years who became the HD spouse in their 40's. Check out users Simplyamorous or Gettingit. 

I have only seen one LD male in that time and he didn't stick around long.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I really suggest people read Schnarch and one of his books like the Passionate Marriage. He feels that every aspect of marriage has an HD/LD components and that one of the keys to marriage is streching and growing yourself so that you can reach a negotiated compromise with your spouse.

His most famous example is ice cream. Sometimes one partner so loves chocolate ice cream that they want it after dinner every night, which the other partner hates chocolate ice cream, but can handle maybe having vanilla ice cream once a week. It doesn't mean they should divorce. They just need to reach a menu compromise that they both can live with. There is no "right amount" of chocolate ice cream per week.

The same thing holds true for sex in both frequency and flavor or positions. There is no right amount or type of sex. It is all about what works for the couple in their relationship.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I'm HD in relation to my wife, but I don't think I'd consider myself particularly HD in relation to a lot of folks on TAM. It's highly situational for me.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

Nobody wants to admit to being LD on TAM, it's dangerous. They get torn to pieces and called nasty names by other posters, who are projecting their own issues. That's why we get so little input from LDs here... they feel unwelcome.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I've said it before but I think basically all LD is situational.

It's too painful to admit that you're unattracted to your partner so you make it into a condition-- "It's not you, it's me!"

but when the relationship ends, boom, LD is a memory.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I've said it before but I think basically all LD is situational.
> 
> It's too painful to admit that you're unattracted to your partner so you make it into a condition-- "It's not you, it's me!"
> 
> but when the relationship ends, boom, LD is a memory.


That's why LD's won't post here. They'll be TOLD by others how they _really _feel, rather than being listened to when they try to explain.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

I don't think there is a certain bar you have to reach to be HD. It's relative to your relationship, you might be HD is your marriage but might be the LD with someone else. The key is how far apart are your sex drives. I'm sure there are couples that are slightly mismatched we don't hear about. Personally I'm the HD in my marriage, though my drive has slowed down the past few years. idk if it's because I'm getting older or because of years of being frustrated with a LD partner, but I suspect its the ladder.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> That's why LD's won't post here. They'll be TOLD by others how they _really _feel, rather than being listened to when they try to explain.


I'm sure LDs themselves believe it's not particular to their spouse.

I don't think this is some kind of devious trick in most cases.

I'm just saying remove them from that relationship and observe what happens then.

The fact is that almost no one will enter into a relationship with someone if sex is off the table on day 1. So by necessity there will not be the same "LD" in the next relationship, at least initially. 

That is situational LD in my book.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> I'm sure LDs themselves believe it's not particular to their spouse.
> 
> I don't think this is some kind of devious trick in most cases.
> 
> ...


_Initially_. That's how people end up with HD/LD mismatches. The rush of brain chemicals that get activated in a new relationship are temporary. A person's natural drive asserts itself after those new-relationship hormones die down. A person who has a natural lower sex drive will always revert to that eventually, so observing what happens to that person's drive in a shiny new relationship isn't representative of what it will be like later down the road.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> _Initially_. That's how people end up with HD/LD mismatches. The rush of brain chemicals that get activated in a new relationship are temporary. A person's natural drive asserts itself after those new-relationship hormones die down. A person who has a natural lower sex drive will always revert to that eventually, so observing what happens to that person's drive in a shiny new relationship isn't representative of what it will be like later down the road.


I don't disagree.

It's just a nomenclature thing.

To me, saying you're "LD" implies that you're just not interested in sex period.

If you're only interested in sex with the next guy or girl, that to me is not "LD", it's something else.

Serial monogamist or promiscuous, maybe.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Your definition of LD sounds like NO drive, not lower than their partner's drive.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

norajane said:


> Your definition of LD sounds like NO drive, not lower than their partner's drive.


yeah, I guess.

My perspective is that if it's truly about you, not me, then the next guy shouldn't get you going.

If the next guy gets you going, then you're not really LD. It's a cop out.

That's just my perspective.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> yeah, I guess.
> 
> My perspective is that if it's truly about you, not me, then the next guy shouldn't get you going.
> 
> ...


And this is where we get into the difference between H/L DRIVE and H/L DESIRE...two totally different things that are not interchangeable.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> And this is where we get into the difference between H/L DRIVE and H/L DESIRE...two totally different things that are not interchangeable.


There's also arousal, and attraction....both of with may or may not be related to a person's drive or desire.


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## xsgandyx (Apr 6, 2015)

Young at Heart said:


> I really suggest people read Schnarch and one of his books like the Passionate Marriage. He feels that every aspect of marriage has an HD/LD components and that one of the keys to marriage is streching and growing yourself so that you can reach a negotiated compromise with your spouse.
> 
> His most famous example is ice cream. Sometimes one partner so loves chocolate ice cream that they want it after dinner every night, which the other partner hates chocolate ice cream, but can handle maybe having vanilla ice cream once a week. It doesn't mean they should divorce. They just need to reach a menu compromise that they both can live with. There is no "right amount" of chocolate ice cream per week.
> 
> The same thing holds true for sex in both frequency and flavor or positions. There is no right amount or type of sex. It is all about what works for the couple in their relationship.


what a fantastic way of describing it..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

norajane said:


> Your definition of LD sounds like NO drive, not lower than their partner's drive.


My impression is that the OP was not talking about a person's drive relative to their spouse's drive. There are different ways to look at it.

Over all in the population, a person who wants sex at least once daily is high drive. A person who wants sex once a month or less is low drive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Anon1111 said:


> yeah, I guess.
> 
> My perspective is that if it's truly about you, not me, then the next guy shouldn't get you going.
> 
> ...


I agree with this and I think it's a very important distinction. 

Studies that I've seen find that most people (male and female) who do not want sex often with their spouse are not LD. They are harboring resentment and anger.

Why do I think that the distinction is important? Because if a person has spouse who appears to be low drive, it most likely is not that they are LD. There is an anger/resentment issue in the marriage. If it's not addressed the marriage will most likely continue to go down hill.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

The problem with the LD/HD situation is that we can't get inside our partner's heads, and therefore we measure their drive by their actions, which may not match their natural urges.

For example, my natural drive falls around 2-3x per week. That's how often I'd like sex if it were entirely up to me. That's been pretty consistent through most of my adult life.

My last relationship was an unhappy marriage to a selfish man who made no effort to meet my emotional needs. Because I was unhappy, I didn't really want sex with him (although I still wanted it in general). So we had sex about once a week, which was the minimum of what I could get away with. He knew I would have liked even less sex with him and that I was just doing it to make him happy.

My current relationship is much healthier and happier. If my partner asked for it every day, I would cheerfully oblige, because I'm happy and want to share that happiness. So what he sees, is that I'm almost always ready to go.

If you asked my ex-husband, he would say I'm LD and almost never want sex. If you asked my boyfriend, he would say I'm HD and almost always willing. If you asked me, I'd say my magic number was still 2-3x per week throughout all of this, but I'm giving more or less depending on my general happiness with my relationship.

You can't really measure your partner's drive by how often they have sex with you, but that's the only tool we really have to measure by.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a Ted talk about the topic of love and desire in marriage and why the desire drops off.... in other words why a spouse might end up seeming to be LD. It think it identifies the problem pretty clearly.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...002-secret-desire-long-term-relationship.html


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