# Observations 2 years out



## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I am at that part of the year where seemingly everyday another anniversary of some event of my life during my divorce is taking place. 
The thing is, is I am now realizing that I just don't care anymore. At least not enough to affect my life.
Last year as all of the "firsts" rolled along, I was still so deep in my emotions that I never really gave myself a chance to even begin my recovery.
But now, I have so much going on to occupy my time and grow me into the best version of me that I can be. I don't allow any of this to affect my life.
Part of that growth has allowed me to place even more current set backs and disappointments in their proper context and learn from them as opposed to allowing them to define me negatively.
For the first time in my life I am experiencing true self confidence. I realize I made mistakes in the past. I realize I make mistakes today and will continue to make them in the future. Rather than shying from making one as I had in the past. I find myself actually trying to make one. I realize now that a mistake should never be a rejection of the lesson the universe is gifting to us. Instead a mistake is a sign that I am learning a new lesson. I can't say that was really something I ever could have said about my past.
Life is good and life will get better, I just have to attract and act more improvement into my life.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I remember YNot 2014............. where'd he go????

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVhNCTH8pDs


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> I remember YNot 2014............. where'd he go????
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVhNCTH8pDs


I am becoming the new improved version of myself. I have read a ton of books. I am a work in progress, but I am much farther to where I want to be than from where I came. I have traveled thru 20 states so far this year. I just got back from my third week long vacation this year. I went to Colorado to see a buddy. I saw tons of stuff coming and going and spent a lot of time in the mountains. I am teaching now, and have met many new people I otherwise wouldn't have. I have been dating. The last one was a younger woman. I have to admit that right now I am more about stroking my own ego than I am about settling into a relationship. I really think that ego stroking is how you find out what it is that you actually want without settling for something less. As I said elsewhere, the universe has placed me exactly where I am supposed to be. That has always been the case. I just refused to accept it before. Now I realize that if I want something it is up to me to go get it. In the past I allowed life to be dictated to me, whereas now I am taking charge of my life and actualizing my desires. Life is good, life will be better and so will I.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Ynot, 

over the course of time i have read up on all of your adventure, but i recall at one time your ex wanted to talk to you and your daughter or daughter in law was trying to put it together around a wedding if i recall. what ever happen to that? i knew that meeting didn't take place at the time but i wasn't sure if you ever did meet her ?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Xenote said:


> Ynot,
> 
> over the course of time i have read up on all of your adventure, but i recall at one time your ex wanted to talk to you and your daughter or daughter in law was trying to put it together around a wedding if i recall. what ever happen to that? i knew that meeting didn't take place at the time but i wasn't sure if you ever did meet her ?


We never did meet. I assume it was all a ruse on her part to try to maintain her image. 
I went to the first wedding as defeated, beaten man. I was withdrawn and kept to myself. I had some counseling in between. The counselor pointed out that I still harbored hopes of a reconciliation that was never going to happen . It was really the first time some one was so blunt about it. It was a real turning point. I was able to place more of my story in perspective and start to really move on with my life.
I went to the second wedding in a much better frame of mind. I still largely ignored her, except during pictures. I told her that our daughter deserved a picture of her whole family. So we had every conceivable permutation of a family photograph taken.
But at this point I don't really care, I never have to see the woman ever again. I truly do hope that she finds happiness or whatever it is she is looking for. I have no idea what that might be, as she never bothered to tell me. All I know is that I had offered her everything I could at that time. It wasn't enough for her then, what I have to offer now is too good for someone that shallow. So why bother worrying about it?
I do have a growing kernel of admiration and gratitude for her. Admiration fro doing something, that I should have done myself, had I not been completely immersed in being the "nice" guy society expected of me and gratitude that she followed through. 
Had I not suffered the pain that I did, I doubt the impetus for the real changes I am going through would have been there. Now my focus in on me and taking care of my needs. I spent too much of my life as a domesticated lamb, now I get to live as a free spirited man, free to pursue my wants and needs to my satisfaction. I no longer have to modulate them, in order to placate a wife who never really supported any effort on my part that did not involve some benefit to her.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

How many of us are living our lives for the sake of others, denying our own happiness or at the very least what we interrupt to be happiness for ourselves. and yet we have no one really to blame for denying that for ourselves, we placate our being with this grand illusion that we are taking the noble path, when in fact we are just cowards, afraid to break things, so instead we become broken. Your right in some way your wife stop taking the path and walked away, and broke the cycle, giving you a chance to find your own happiness. Won't hurt sending her a thank you card, because of what she did, you were able to find your original path.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Xenote said:


> How many of us are living our lives for the sake of others, denying our own happiness or at the very least what we interrupt to be happiness for ourselves. and yet we have no one really to blame for denying that for ourselves, we placate our being with this grand illusion that we are taking the noble path, when in fact we are just cowards, afraid to break things, so instead we become broken. Your right in some way your wife stop taking the path and walked away, and broke the cycle, giving you a chance to find your own happiness. Won't hurt sending her a thank you card, because of what she did, you were able to find your original path.


Perhaps, someday I will do just that - send her a thank you card. For the time being I still have some lingering anger over how she lied to my kids about it all. She had every right to leave if she wasn't happy. I do not deny her or anyone else that right. But rather just admitting as much, she tried to foist the whole thing of as my fault, and then lied to my kids about it. That is something she will always have to live with. But it still hurts to this day. I can forgive someone for treating me badly, but to treat the one's I love that way, totally destroys any respect I have for her as a person.
In the meantime, I plan to live the best life I know how. While revenge is no longer a motivation, it sure makes the success all the more sweeter.

But you are correct. I think most people trudge thru life imagining they are doing the "right" thing, all the while doing anything but the right thing. I am not speaking of irrational selfishness aka greed, but actual rational self interest is the way we should all live. I tried doing things the way it was expected of me. It didn't make me happy. Now I am going to try it my way.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Your XW forced you to look inside yourself. How much better off are you now than... 10-4-14?

You should send her a thank you card..... Because she will never have the chance to enjoy the new Ynot


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> Your XW forced you to look inside yourself. How much better off are you now than... 10-4-14?
> 
> You should send her a thank you card..... Because she will never have the chance to enjoy the new Ynot


The new Ynot, would have booted her ass out or at least laid down the law the first time I heard "you do what you need to do I don't want to know about" or "I am just to busy to even think about having sex with you" To hell with that! I got married to have a full time partner, not a fair weather friend, who only gave a crap when it benefited her. I don't think she could handle the new Ynot, so why bother.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

And you wonder why so many follow your thread......


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Chuck71 said:


> And you wonder why so many follow your thread......


I wish, that instead of just following the thread, others chime in. I have asked the moderators to open another sub-forum about truly being post divorce. The current "Life After Divorce" sub-forum is mainly concerned with the immediate after results. I think a more focused sub-forum about recovery would benefit all the newbies. Even before I was divorced, I felt a sense of hopelessness. I felt hopeless that things would ever improve and I could become happy. Those thoughts predicated on a fairy tale I had bought into. It was my reality at that time. Now I realize that I can always change my reality simply by being me, accepting all of my past mistakes and knowing I still do and will continue to, learning from them and understanding that mistakes are simply another fork in the road. I think hopeless people can be inspired by stories like that. Not just from me, but from other people. Especially from other people. I want to hear them!


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