# 30-years old married 12 years, so confused



## appleliz (Jun 21, 2010)

Hello,

I don’t know exactly what kind of advice I am expecting. Probably just reassuring me on what I already know.

I got married when I was 18 (he was 17) to my sweetheart. We were so in-love it made the Twilight Series seem pitiful 

Marriage was hard, but we always managed to love each other so much, in this case love conquered all. 

Without getting into too much detail, he has fallen into a pattern that he promised me he wouldn’t fall into again. I feel betrayed and abandoned. 

Also I am extremely fit 117 pounds and he doesn’t seem the least bit attracted to me. This makes it hard because it seems like strangers want me more than he does.

I find myself falling out of love with him. It breaks my heart because he has been my life and my best friend for as long as I can remember, we practically grew up together.

I find myself dreaming of life without him. Half of me loves the idea of being “free” (for lack of a better word) and half of me feels so much guilt that I let these things enter my mind.

We have two sons and I know they sense my growing depression. I have talked to my husband and he doesn’t seem like he is going to change. He doesn’t want to.

He doesn’t make me feel like a woman, and it is something I desperately want to feel like. 

I don’t want to lose my family, my house (which is my dream house BTW ), my life. But the idea of me accepting things the way they are sickens me. 

I don’t know what to do .


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## darkenedskies (Jun 25, 2010)

Wow, you're so eerily similar to my situation, though I'm the husband in the relationship and let's just say that things have gotten much, much worse for us.

Why I would implore you to do, and yes I'm totally projecting my own situation onto yours so take that for what it's worth, is not to settle for this situation. I don't know you and your husband, I don't know what you've done or not done, but you owe it to yourself, your husband, and your kids to get very vocal and very persistent about what you need out of your relationship to make it viable for YOU.

My wife just joined me and is helping me go from here.

You may risk a fight because he doesn't want to talk about it, maybe several, but we both agree that you need to not only risk them but push through them if they happen. Your needs aren't getting met, and likely his aren't either (even if he doesn't realize that), and this is a recipe for disaster.

I'm sorry that you're having to be the strong one relationship-wise right now, you probably have been in that role for quite a while, but if your marriage is going to survive you must be strong for a while longer. Eventually though, he's going to have to take a good part of that load off you. You can't carry it for the life of the relationship. Resentment starts to build (if it hasn't already), and then before you know it you find yourself in a spot where it's just too late to turn it around.

We were in just that situation, and my wife felt the same way, and she found comfort in another man. Now we both are having to deal with what's happened, and grappling with conflicting emotions that haunt every day.

No matter how bad the fights or discomfort get for you in dealing with you relationship problems head on, NOTHING compares to the pain and agony you will both go through if you (collectively, we know it's not all you) let things continue to digress to the point that they did for us.

Hang in there, go to him and tell him right now how you're feeling. Tell him that you love him but that something HAS to change in your relationship. Don't necessarily threaten to leave him, but you HAVE to find a way to get him to understand the gravity and seriousness of the situation.

Please, do this soon, and make sure your husband is the one that takes the message, and not anyone else. He's the only one that can fix this with you. Not friends (male or female), not family, especially not family, just him. 

Good luck, our hearts go out to you!


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

appleliz..samething happened in my marriage married her at 18 she feel,well we fell out of attraction with each other..I'm a very fit 180 she doesn't like to work out, I'm wasn't attracted but would have never left because of my daughters..so she left me abruptly 3 mos ago..now I hate her:smthumbup:


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

darkenedskies seems to have a really good point of not accepting your current circumstances, about becoming vocal and persistent. I, like many in America, am a child of divorced parents. I guarantee you, that if troubled spouses could just try to picture life 20 to 30 years down the road as being divorced and see the uglier mess they have put their children into, not to mention themselves, then they would seriously re-think this quick and somewhat easy way out of a marriage. Just for starters....where will Thanksgiving dinner be, at "mom's" or "dad's" house? Then Christmas, then graduation.....the list is really endless, when it should never have been like that to begin with. I suggest that you look into marriage counseling options along with being persistent with your husband about how you feel. Get the advice first about how to approach, but when it does come to counseling, he needs to be with you. Right now it is difficult, but I can promise you that ANY OTHER MAN who seems to give you attention and may make you feel like a woman will have his own set of problems and more than likely worse. This is just a "time" that you are going through, but with persistence, patience, some marriage guidance (professional, not friends or family), you will get through this period and both will become much better and stronger from it...and your boys will not have to decide later on which parent's home to go to for Christmas dinner. Hang in there.


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