# Unhappy



## Iamhere (Aug 13, 2019)

Need advice:

I've been married for 6yrs and have two babies under 2yrs old. I've been unhappy for a bit. Our sex life has no passion. We don't kiss...we just have sex. I wish there was more passion! It feels like a chore. We've tried to work on it but we are still unhappy. 

I think to myself "it's just sex...so what if we are not passionate...I can just suck it up and never be happy and stay together for the sake of the kids and financial security" but I know that's NOT smart. I'm so scared to become a single mom. My grandmother was a single mom and it was a huge struggle for her. 

I'm not happy bc he doesn't protect me. His family has been so cruel to me and he just let's them. His sister said something very disrespectful about my father (and my dad did NOTHING to her for her to be that way) and he said he was too afraid to stand up to her even though she was clearly in the wrong. The disrespect from his family has been going on throughout our marriage. And his dad told me to eat s*** once before! Just a couple of examples.

Bc of my unhappiness I've flirted with three guys over the past 3 years. One was only online for a few days like 2yrs ago (never met up), the other one was a guy from my gym for a couple of weeks like 3yrs ago (never went beyond verbal), and the other was an Ex who listened to me as I shared my frustration in my marriage...we did meet up but just talked...nothing more than that just last year. (I'm choosing to go in detail bc I posted this in the Introductory forum and pple thought I was flirting with every guy I saw...I know verbal flirting with just one person is wrong but i have to emphasize it wasn't a million). 

He doesn't believe in therapy. He says it is what it is and we should stay together bc marriage is commitment eventhough we are not happy. That makes me feel like our happiness means nothing to him. Being unhappy makes my anxiety worse. I'm seeing a therapist and considering medication. He deserves to be happy! I deserve it, too! I'm really want to seperate, but I remember my grandmother and it's scary. Step parents for my kids is a scary thought. Thank you for reading...


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

You have to first stop thinking that cheating is any kind of a solution. It isn't. It will just cause you more problems. And if you consider yourself a scrupulous person, you won't consider cheating anyway. Stop thinking your answers lie in other men. If you want to be with other men, then end your marriage first. Get your fear of something that women all over the world do every day. Your grandmother isn't the only example. While it is a struggle for numerous single mothers, there are numerous success stories. Decide you will face life if you want to be divorced, or decide you won't cheat if you're too afraid to get divorced. Set an example for your children.

And your husband is right that marriage is a commitment. That means you should both find ways to make each other happy. It doesn't happen automatically.

There are lots of men who don't know what their role as a husband is supposed to be and have no idea what it means to have a wife. Some think their object to marrying is about securing regular and convenient coochie and that's about it. But that doesn't mean they can't be taught what their role in marriage is supposed to be.

Google "profess, provide, protect" to find articles to give him that will help you explain what you expect from him, and there are also numerous marriage videos on YouTube. Here is Steve Harvey's theory on *the 3 P's of a man's role*. You have to give him the articles to read and videos to watch for himself. Coming from you will be considered nagging and demanding, and he won't want to listen. I don't know why many men block out their wife's concerns but they do. Men don't respond to their wife's words, but they do respond to their wife's actions. Make it a requirement that he read and/or watch the articles and videos you find for him. It's also important that you read and watch videos describing the wife's role because marriage is a two-way street and both parties are responsible.

Your problems in the bedroom can also be addressed but, again, you need to rely on articles or books or videos for him to see and read for himself. Here are a few you can start with:

*What's The Difference Between Lovemaking And Sex*
*How To Make Your Wife Happy*
*His Needs, Her Needs*

Also, read my response in *this thread*, particularly the section where I describe promoting passion and ecstasy, to determine if your husband adopting these techniques might be beneficial to you. If you think they will, then print out my response and show it to him or teach him yourself.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I’m sorry you are here. 

Some of my observations/recommendations:

1. If you have two babies under 2 years old, you are exhausted. He may be exhausted. When we were at this stage, both of us had very little left at the end of the day to give each other. So perhaps it’s best to temper your expectations from both of you a little.

2. You have been in at least one emotional affair with your ex, and maybe have been dancing around others. These will not help you, these will only hurt you. So stop.

3. The attacks on your family from his family need to stop, but at this exact point, I’d consider that a secondary issue. His father’s attacks on you should be primary. I would use your words to set expectations of what you expect from him, and if these don’t happen, I would happily set limits on how exposed you will allow yourself and your children to be to his family.

4. Have you clearly vocalized what you want and desire from him? If so, what was his response?


----------



## Iamhere (Aug 13, 2019)

Thank you for your response. Yes, I have told him about my unhappiness and suggested couples therapy but he doesn't believe in it. 

I've made the decision a while back to not entertain men's emotional advances anymore. Since then I haven't really noticed that it helped or made it easier but I'm sticking to it.

I don't even know where to begin with a separation. We can't afford two separate living spaces, so just not sure


----------

