# Wife wants space..Be alone...



## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

Hello...New to the site.

My wife informed me about two months ago she wanted to separate. It shocked me. I am not saying our marriage was perfect by any means, but I never saw this coming. She says she feels we have grown apart, and in general she needs to be alone. That she has cared for other all of her life, and needs time for her. She assured me, and others, no one else is involved and that is the last thing she wants. We also have two boys, 11 and 6. 

After about a month of kicking it around we decided I would move out for a bit. After a few days of not seeing my boys as much as I like, I told her that I was coming back home, and since she was the one who wanted out she should leave. She didn't like that, but after a few days she moved in with a relative in her apartment. That was about a month ago.

I am trying to give her space. She still comes by everday to see the boys, which we both agreed on. So we still communicate. Some days I think things are going to work out. Other days, not so much.

I do know my wife has had communication problems (not saying I dont at times). She can shut down at times. She also has trouble being close to people. She has three younger sisters and isn't close to any of them and although she has friends, none that are really close. Also, when younger her mom and dad had issues that ended up in divorce. But alcohol and cheating were involved there, and it was hard on her growing up. To top it off, her Mom died about 5 years ago unexpectedly. She found out she had cancer and in only three months, passed away. My wife never truly grieved and it still eats at her i think, even though she had a very close relationship with her.

Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is what in the world do I do right now? She is my best friend and I love her so much. And this is just tearing me up. I know I have to give her her space right now and not smother her. But is there any other advice??

It's me and my two boys at home and I am trying to spend even more time than usual with them just to keep my mind and body occupied as to not think so much about her and this. 

I've asked her what she thought was going to happen and she says she doesn't know. Some days she says she thinks we can still work it out, other days she is not so sure. I'm totally lost, sad and frustrated.

Thanks for listening/reading.....


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## DEFA17 (Nov 11, 2008)

I am going through he same exact thing right now and trust me I really feel your pain!!!!! All I can say to you is I wish there was a magic pill or something to make things go back to normal if you find it please keep me in mind. The tug of war that they play with our emotions is so damaging that they don't even realize what they are putting us through ....I have a thread going right now "my wife wants to be alone" there are some good people in there read it for what there responses were...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Theo said:


> That she has cared for other all of her life, and needs time for her.


I have felt this way before and for me it seemed I was always looked up to within my family and marriage to take care of things...my mom's alcoholism, my dad's gambling and when I married, my husband and his constant worries and then my kids. It never seemed anyone really gave 2 thoughts about if or what I might need or take any initiative to step up and just show me I was loved and cared for...I had no desire to really be alone, I just needed a break from it all.

I'm now in my second marriage and now (after some pretty big bumps in the road) know what it feels like to be truly loved. My husband is plugged into my feelings, my happiness. I can tell he says and does things because he wants me to be happy & I do the same for him.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Theo said:


> Hello...New to the site.


welcome. you've found a good place.



Theo said:


> My wife informed me about two months ago she wanted to separate. It shocked me.


because of the lack of communication you cite? can you put you finger on something about your relationship that would make her feel like this would be the right decision? just asking so you can do a little "advance" work. not accusing you of anything.


Theo said:


> I am trying to give her space. She still comes by everday to see the boys, which we both agreed on. So we still communicate. Some days I think things are going to work out. Other days, not so much.


good. let her dictate the amount of time & space she needs. we are not very good judges of that. myself included. even when we're living under the same roof!


Theo said:


> I do know my wife has had communication problems (not saying I dont at times). She can shut down at times. She also has trouble being close to people. She has three younger sisters and isn't close to any of them and although she has friends, none that are really close. Also, when younger her mom and dad had issues that ended up in divorce., and it was hard on her growing up. To top it off, her Mom died about 5 years ago unexpectedly. She found out she had cancer and in only three months, passed away. My wife never truly grieved and it still eats at her i think.


divorce, alcohol issue in the family...point to potential problems with emotional development. we're lucky if we as children, even adult children, come out of those unscathed.

the mom dying...she may not have greived at the time of her death (maybe busy being a supercaretaker?) but if you don't greive, it lays there inside you and one day it comes up. you DO end up greiving, and sometimes it's years later, like, maybe, now? and it can affect everything about you.



Theo said:


> Anyway, I guess what I'm asking is what in the world do I do right now? She is my best friend and I love her so much. And this is just tearing me up. I know I have to give her her space right now and not smother her. But is there any other advice??


right now??? you're doing it. space, time, respect. it's hard, especially when you so love this person. but you're giving her a gift when you give those things. 


Theo said:


> It's me and my two boys at home and I am trying to spend even more time than usual with them just to keep my mind and body occupied as to not think so much about her and this.


good! maybe find a spiritual outlet. church, youth fellowship for the kids, just a good ol' fashioned bible and clasping of the hand and praying for her strength, and yours. time with your boys is great. they'll always know security as long as you give them your time. and love. tell em mom's working out some life details. and you guys are helping by letting her have her space, time, respect.




Theo said:


> I've asked her what she thought was going to happen and she says she doesn't know. Some days she says she thinks we can still work it out, other days she is not so sure.


of course she's not sure. she's not sure of anything right now. let her know she can be sure of your love and respect. and good luck. this isn't as bad as you feel.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

well at the moment in my relationship, im the W that doesnt have the feelings for my H at the moment. i want to be alone and i want the space.
i feel very detached from my H at the moment, its not n e ones fault, it just happened. 
i have been like this for a month now. dont know if the love cloud will return. i hope it wil and i wont give up on my marriage because of it.
i think despite your feelings , your doing really well. your spending more time with your boys, which is what they need.
i like fathers like you, that realise their children are important, because they are in situations like this and need reassurance.
i dont think space is a bad thing. i bet you , you have felt the same way at times.
my H and i have had space on many ocasions, it kinda works in our relationship. 
but i think you should try and go out with some mates. nudge a little bit and see where it gets you with your W. 
ask her out for a date. try new things again. 
you can only start at the beginning again.


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## Pavlov (Nov 18, 2008)

Hey Theo, one thing I learned: people who are shy often need to retreat in order to get themselves together. Me, I am extroverted and like to talk to people, I guess I blow of steam, etc. by talking. My wife is totally different, very shy.

My therapist explained that these types of personalities often do not want to "talk about it," when dealing with problems. They need their space. I had trouble understanding this because I am totally the opposite and it frustrates me. 

So what can we take from this?

SHe may need her space and it is fruitless to fight this.
You may be misunderstanding her because you deal with adversity in a different way from her. 

So anyhow, good luck for now. You are in my prayers. I too need some help. So keep the faith..


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## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

voivod said:


> welcome. you've found a good place.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


The lack of communication is a part of it. More than anything though, from what I can figure, she just wants time alone just because she feels she needs it. Temporary? Permanant? I have no idea...She has no idea.

I do think her moms death is starting to get to her a bit right now, years later. You hit it on the head...She basically took charge or everything when her mom was sick...the goings on at the hospital, her home care, and eventually the funeral and stuff like that. Then she just kind of got on with life once it was over. So yeah, I think that is definitely playing a part in this.

I'm just going a day at a time. When she comes over each night I dont go out of my way to talk to her (dont want to take a chance in smothering her), but we still chat. And the last two nights have actually been pretty good. She has been happier coming over. I guess if I have any hopes of her coming back, I just have to go with baby steps right now, try to keep things calm and show her that being home with me and the boys isn't a bad thing. 

BTW..my wife is in counseling once a week, for about 3 weeks now.


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## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

justean said:


> well at the moment in my relationship, im the W that doesnt have the feelings for my H at the moment. i want to be alone and i want the space.
> i feel very detached from my H at the moment, its not n e ones fault, it just happened.
> i have been like this for a month now. dont know if the love cloud will return. i hope it wil and i wont give up on my marriage because of it.
> i think despite your feelings , your doing really well. your spending more time with your boys, which is what they need.
> ...


That is how I think my wife feels..detatched. She thinks we have kind of grown apart in a way.

I am trying to just do my thing right now. Been out with my buddies a couple of times. Trying not to let her see that this is bothering me. Although, I know she knows I'm hurting. But I try not to show it. When this first started two months ago I did. I would break down regularly for a few days when talking with her about it. That wasn't helping I know, but it was hard to contain. It still is, but I try to control that until I am alone and not around her.

I did ask her if we could go out and do something at some point and she told me not right now. I guess it's still too early for her. 

Thanks for all of the replies and support guys/girls!! :smthumbup:


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## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

Pavlov said:


> Hey Theo, one thing I learned: people who are shy often need to retreat in order to get themselves together. Me, I am extroverted and like to talk to people, I guess I blow of steam, etc. by talking. My wife is totally different, very shy.
> 
> My therapist explained that these types of personalities often do not want to "talk about it," when dealing with problems. They need their space. I had trouble understanding this because I am totally the opposite and it frustrates me.
> 
> ...


It's funny, we are in the exact opposite situation. I am the shy one, but I want to talk about it and get things off my chest.

My wife is the outgoing one, but she is the one who shuts down at times. Although when I say outgoing, she doesn't go out of her way to talk to people. But she is the first person on the dance floor, have a good time sort.

I do agree though. I'm done trying to fight this. This is what she wants right now. I can only sit back, be kind to her when given the chance, and hope she comes back. It's agonizing, but hopefully it will be worth it.

Thanks again everyone.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Theo said:


> I do think her moms death is starting to get to her a bit right now, years later. You hit it on the head...She basically took charge or everything when her mom was sick...the goings on at the hospital, her home care, and eventually the funeral and stuff like that. Then she just kind of got on with life once it was over. So yeah, I think that is definitely playing a part in this.
> 
> I'm just going a day at a time. When she comes over each night I dont go out of my way to talk to her (dont want to take a chance in smothering her), but we still chat. And the last two nights have actually been pretty good. She has been happier coming over. I guess if I have any hopes of her coming back, I just have to go with baby steps right now, try to keep things calm and show her that being home with me and the boys isn't a bad thing.
> 
> BTW..my wife is in counseling once a week, for about 3 weeks now.


okay, she's emotionally drained. she is not equipped to deal with any more emotionally. she is just now in her greiving for the loss of her mom.

be her friend. give her all the support she needs. are there any things (tasks) that you could help her with? getting the oil changed, grocery shopping, laundry duties, etc? she will feel uncomfortable with someone else doing them. may even accuse you of "controlling." beware of that. but...

i think wives of alcoholics become these caretaker types (much as the role your wife assumed) out of a survival instinct. and i think the biggest relationship mistake alcoholics make is being so focused on THEMSELVES and their sobriety that they forget their partner. alcoholics sit around patting themselves on the back about their x amount of days without a drink. what they really ought to be doing is finding a way to make the burden of their "caretaker" spouse a little lighter. i think that should be included in any recovery talk.

okay, i'm down off my soap box now. my point is, she assumed a very draining role in her youth. you, unfortunately, stood in the crossfire. only because you were there. but you weren't, because she could not communicate with you. no ones fault. you couldn't have known. so she's drained. you haven't been able to empathise. now you are paying the price.

a little distance, along with some help (don't expect a thank you when you do these acts of service. do them out of pure love), be her friend, don't be overwhelming with your presence. i think things will take a turn for the better.

oh, yeah. patience. a big ol' bunch of patience.


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## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, she's emotionally drained. she is not equipped to deal with any more emotionally. she is just now in her greiving for the loss of her mom.
> 
> be her friend. give her all the support she needs. are there any things (tasks) that you could help her with? getting the oil changed, grocery shopping, laundry duties, etc? she will feel uncomfortable with someone else doing them. may even accuse you of "controlling." beware of that. but...
> 
> ...


I'm hoping that's it, her being emotionally drained. I dont know.

As for being her friend and trying to do things for her etc....That seems to be exactly what she doesn't want. She truly wants to do things on her own right now. Plus, I am at the house so I am taking care of things there as far as cleaning, laundry, etc...She does usually still cook me and the boys dinner when she comes over in the evening, although she doesn't usually eat with us. But as far as helping her in anyway, she doesn't seem to want or need any right now. But if and when she asks, i will be there, no doubt. I hope at some point she does. It would be nice to know she still needs me in someway.

Oh yeah...not sure if you were talking about me or were confused, but I'm not an alocoholic. Actually never drank in my life... Her father was while she was growing up. Part of the reason her parents split. And probably something that still sits with her.

I am doing that other stuff though. Being her friend (when she wants it) and giving her the space. And yeah, I am trying the patience thing. But man is it hard sometimes. When she walks into the house I just want to give her the biggest hug and just hold her, but I know I cant right now. Hopefully again, one day though....I am trying to stay confident.

Thanks for the reply.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Theo said:


> I'm hoping that's it, her being emotionally drained. I dont know.
> 
> As for being her friend and trying to do things for her etc....That seems to be exactly what she doesn't want. She truly wants to do things on her own right now.


that's her comfort zone. one of the traits of a "supercaretaker" is control. they become "control freaks." it's the only way to control their environment. their environment has lacked control in the past.


Theo said:


> Plus, I am at the house so I am taking care of things there as far as cleaning, laundry, etc...She does usually still cook me and the boys dinner when she comes over in the evening, although she doesn't usually eat with us. But as far as helping her in anyway, she doesn't seem to want or need any right now. But if and when she asks, i will be there, no doubt. I hope at some point she does. It would be nice to know she still needs me in someway.


no one NEEDS anyone. that's the stark reality of this relationship stuff. she wants to prove that by taking control. but...
you can do some of those task so she doesn't get left with the feeling that you NEED her to do them. plus that'll ease some of her burden, which is you goal.


Theo said:


> Oh yeah...not sure if you were talking about me or were confused, but I'm not an alocoholic. Actually never drank in my life... Her father was while she was growing up. Part of the reason her parents split. And probably something that still sits with her.


no, didn't mean to imply that YOU were a drinker or an alcoholic. just using that group for comparison sake. and maybe to soaopbox a little.


Theo said:


> I am doing that other stuff though. Being her friend (when she wants it) and giving her the space. And yeah, I am trying the patience thing. But man is it hard sometimes. When she walks into the house I just want to give her the biggest hug and just hold her, but I know I cant right now. Hopefully again, one day though....I am trying to stay confident.


cool. i wish you knew how hard it is for me to NOT just grab my wife and throw her down naked like we used to do. i've had to learn to not get in her "space." yep, it's hard, and it gets tougher. what i've learned is that God is going to make this difficult so i never take my family for granted again. patience my friend. patience, 
oh, and say a prayer. He listens.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I just wonder where all this comes from. This isn't just some fluke thing that's never happened to anyone before. May I ask how long you've been together? 

My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 9 and I'm just fed up with him. There is no one else. I just want to be left alone. I'm not in a position to move out or anything, nor do I think I would do that to our daughter. A girlfriend of mine and I sat down last week and had this exact same conversation, before she knew anything about me and my situation, she told me the same thing about her and her man. She has no one else, she just wants to be on her own. They've been together 10 years. 

I'd like to hear from some people on here, if there are any, who have been through this, pulled through it and are fine again. Or was the only answer a permanent separation? What if we sweep it under the rug and ignore it... will it eventually go away, or is it something we need to address? It's obviously a typical phase in a relationship with all the people who are going through it! 

Best of luck to you. I'm the woman who feels like she needs space. =)


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

bhappy. i went back and read your original post to ground myself. i, too, noticed this "cycle" of "i need to be alone" in my circle of friends. i can't explain it. i wonder if some sociologist with way too much time on his hands has ever put something to it.

in your original post, you talk about hunting and softball. replacements for testosterone? i don't know, but hunters and softball players both have been stereotyped similarly.

and the yardwork. he just QUIT DOING IT? hmm...it's manly to do yardwork...so...


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## Theo (Nov 17, 2008)

bhappy3 said:


> I just wonder where all this comes from. This isn't just some fluke thing that's never happened to anyone before. May I ask how long you've been together?
> 
> My husband and I have been together 14 years and married 9 and I'm just fed up with him. There is no one else. I just want to be left alone. I'm not in a position to move out or anything, nor do I think I would do that to our daughter. A girlfriend of mine and I sat down last week and had this exact same conversation, before she knew anything about me and my situation, she told me the same thing about her and her man. She has no one else, she just wants to be on her own. They've been together 10 years.
> 
> ...


I'm with you. I would love to hear/read some stuff from people who have been through this and it all worked out. Anything positive, I'll take.

I have to say also I can't believe how many people seem to go through this same thing. Before finding this site the other day, I would lurk on other relationship message boards and read stuff from other people and it sounded exactly like my situation. I was blown away by the number of people in the exact situation. 

As for me any my wife. We've been married 11 years. Been together 17. I'm 37, she's 36. Two boys, 11 and 6.


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## Melancholy (Nov 15, 2008)

I have a question:

When a wife asks for "space", does she generally know the amount of time and how much space she is looking for?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Melancholy said:


> I have a question:
> 
> When a wife asks for "space", does she generally know the amount of time and how much space she is looking for?


quick answer: no.

my wife and i have been separated since june 20th. i learn a little about the "space" thing every day. last night was a perfect example. after spending lots of time together since she moved out, last night was the first time she actually enforced "space" on me. i went over to pick up my daughter's report card, and for the first time, she didn't invite me in. i was offended, but a little thought towards the situation helped me to understand it. she has been extraodinarily busy at work, and i think she is also imposing a defense mechanism. 

your best bet is to back off for a period of time. can you do "no contact?" do it for a week, two weeks. she will probably dictate the terms. when she calls to see how you are doing, say fine. she'll probably ask why you haven't called or gone to see here. tell her you were trying to respect her space. don't sound sarcastic when you say that. it could come off that way if you're not careful. maybe that would be an opening for you to invite her out. cofee, breakfast, lunch. whatever.

the women who request space, i've learned, are generally not looking to have heavy "relationship" discussions, so avoid that. just be her friend and display happiness.

good luck.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Yeah, see, same kind of time frame. This has to be some sort of phase or something. I wish I had more to go on with it, but it's just a big old hunch since there are SOOOOO many people going through the same thing. 

Vovoid... he didn't just "quit" doing it, he never really did it. It's more home maintenence that he's not into... I fix the toilet when something happens. I had to patch the wall when it was crumbling. I hung the lights in our kitchen when we remodeled it. The house needs painted - badly. He's got so much energy for all his hunting and softball, but none for general life maintenence... marriage, household upkeep (he does help with daily chores, I'll give him that). It's just so frustrating. But, he gets it honest, straight from his parents who live in a damn dump. Packrats to boot. No upkeep. I hate to be seen near their house. It's gross. And H knows full well that our house will NEVER look like that. 

Anyway, hopefully we can find some study on all this decade space or whatever we should coin it. I've heard of the seven year itch, but this isn't an itch to get out and see others, really, it's just more a "leave me alone" phase. It sucks, whatever it is.


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## LoveAtLast (Nov 17, 2008)

Sometimes you don't realize how much something means to you unless you're afraid you're going to lose it. It sounds like she's going through a tough time emotionally right now so it would be cruel to pull completely away from her.

But, if you give her a little more space than she's asking for and distance yourself a bit emotionally, she might see you in a new light and realize what she's giving up.

Good luck.


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## missmywife (Jan 4, 2010)

@Theo,

I know this is a 2 year old thread and you probably wont see this post. Im curious how everything turned out. I am going through the same thing with my wife, she wants space. Ive been out of the house for 2 weeks now, feels like 2 mths. She isnt sure whats going to happen, when she is in a bad mood though she says the most likely scenario is we get a divorce. I ask her how am I suppose to take that, she says she wants to wait and see what happens. I cant sit around forever, but I love her deeply.


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## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Melancholy said:


> I have a question:
> 
> When a wife asks for "space", does she generally know the amount of time and how much space she is looking for?


Hell no! And that goes for when a husband says the same thing. There are a lot of us here on this board going through this, including me. 

The only thing that you can do is hold your head up high and do the best you can everyday. Make the most out of the situation by evaluating yourself and your life. If they are going to take time to find themselves, have some space, or work out some "confusion", then that doesn't mean that we should stop living our lives. 

Everyday is a new day. Try to remember that.


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## Mnjparks (Aug 30, 2010)

I know this thread is old but I have seen no positive endings to any of these situations. I am now going through this exact situation and don't know how to handle it.


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