# Advice to support a spouse at difficult times



## pa1234 (Jul 24, 2010)

Hi, I've been married for almost 8 years, and we have a 4 year-old daughter. I've doing my best to support my wife in this time of need but am wondering what else I can do.

The last few years have been quite a struggle. Most smaller issues have gotten quite big, as I think they have just accummulated. In the past, she has gotten a lot sensitive to things that happens to her and although I try to support her, I usually fall short because I can't understand what she is going through. It's gotten to a point where she usually just stays at home and avoids pretty much everyone. She doesn't want to deal with things anymore as she's had enough.

My wife has gone through a lot in her younger years - her mom passing away due to cancer, leaving her home country, and travelling overseas to study and work, and experiencing some betrayal with other relatives. This was before she has met me. 

When we were a couple, we have had issues with my family (her in-laws). Most of the issues were similar to the TV show everybody loves raymond, but we don't live across the street, and we hardly see them. The issues are around annoying unsolicited advise, feelings of intrusion and typical mother in-law issues - where the inlaws have good intentions but poor delivery. I've been working hard on dealing with inlaw issues and making boundaries, etc. and my family have apologized and have been respecting our boundaries. My family are a loving family and have helped her in the past. 

However, for more than a year now, she has entered a depression and has isolated herself from most things. She says she just needs some time away from dealing with everything. Which was okay with me at the time, because people do need a break from things. But it turned for the worse, anything that has to do with dealing with people is now filled with anxiety. And when I confront her about it, she gets very sensitive about it. 

I finally was able to convince her to go to therapy. But even my suggestion to therapy, gave her the impression that something is wrong with her and resentment towards me. Although, she admits her depression, she's very reluctant to do anything about it. 

She did end up going to a few sessions, and the therapist suggested taking some zoloft medications, in order to help her as she's been under pressure since a younger age. My wife now refused to go anymore, and that the money can be spent on something else and that nothing is wrong with her. 

Sometimes things are good, but everytime an occassion occurs, its very hard. She really doesn't want to attend, and she gets sensitive if me and our daughter wants to go, because she's feeling abandoned and betrayed. I missed my cousins 18th birthday, the birth of my new niece, and some others. It's affecting our daughter because she's excited to attend the occassions and is also wondering why her cousins, friends and grandparents don't come to visit. Our daughter's birthday is also coming up and is already hinting she wants a big party with lots of people.

I'm pretty much the only support she has, as she was an only child and her parents have past away. She had very few close friends, but they have moved interstate. I think the part of the problem is not enough support for her. I haven't asked my family for support, because although they would be willing, I think she wouldn't accept and/or trust them, due to previous issues. And I'm afraid that any support that would be given by my family might be misinterpreted the wrong way and cause more issues.

I do want her to go back to therapy, Because she could get extra support that she is not receiving from me. But I don't want to pressure her or else I'll get resistance. 

I know what she is going through is must be hard, and I probably won't be able to understand it.

Any advice? Or anyone have a smiliar story?


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## Discoverycounseling (Jul 24, 2010)

A suggestion is to look for a support group in your area that you both can attend. Since you say she has few friends, it might be easier for your wife to reach out in a group setting.


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## pa1234 (Jul 24, 2010)

Hi Discoverycounselling,

Thanks for the suggestion. 

However, I didn't originally mention it, but we have already attended some support groups at 3 local churches in our area in the past year or so. Although, it seems to be alright for the first couple weeks. My wife would soon find something that makes her reluctant to attend anymore. And they are usually small things, for example, one of the group members didn't greet hello or she didn't like they way someone said something or someone didn't offer her a drink when they offered other people. It's like she finds a slight rude gesture and that's it, she doesn't want to deal with it anymore, and goes back to isolating herself.

I'm not sure how to deal with this myself. Sometimes, I just let her have her emotions out, and maybe, as she lets it out, she may feel better and realise it's only a small thing. But I'm wondering if that is helping, because it seems that sometimes it might be confirming to her that these people are rude and she's right to stay away from them (and therefore, stay away from a lot of people). On the other hand, when I try to rationalize saying that maybe those people are just having a bad day and that they probably didn't mean it, she blames me for taking her to these places and accuses me of defending them when I don't even know them. So, I'm a bit confused on how to deal with this. Any suggestions? I'd don't mind trying again to take her to another support group, but I don't want to push her because of the above reaon.

The therapist did mention that because she's gone through a lot, she had to deal with a lot of experiences at a young age. So her mind and emotions have been working harder than normal to cope with what's happened to her. As a result, she's become exhausted, and can't tolerate certain things and is quite sensitive. Therefore, entered a depression. That's the reason of prescribing the zoloft. I'm encouraging her to take it and continue seeing the therapist, but as mentioned in my original post, she's reluctant and refusing. 

I'm wondering whether this would eventually get better by just letting her be? In other words, not taking medications, not seeing a therapist, or not attending support groups and her staying isolated? I don't mind being patient and supportive, but would this be the right thing to do sometimes, especially when she's reluctant? Although, it has been over a year, and it doesn't seem to be getting better? Any other advice?


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