# I am losing perspective!



## wolverine (Jan 11, 2011)

A summary of my problem is that I have been hurt deeply by my wife's words and actions regarding sexual intimacy. I entered marriage as a virgin and had intentionally saved intercourse for marriage and I had great expectations for what I thought was going to be a life long fulfillment by the person I loved the most. During our engagement, she also showed great interest in physical expression and there was no indication that our sexual intimacy after marriage would be anything less than wonderful. Beginning with our wedding night, and continuing through our marriage of 31 years, I have been hurt by her various responses and my hurt has turned into counterproductive behavior on my part that has made the situation even worse.

Examples of painful experiences:

- on our wedding night, my wife asked me if it was ok if we didn't try to have intercourse. She then went on to ask if I would leave my underwear on and that she felt it would bother her to see me naked. I agreed to her requests. 

- as time went on, our sexual activities progressed but it was not long until she began placing boundaries upon our sexual activities. These boundaries did not involve whips, chains, pornography or anything that could be construed as sexually deviant. Her boundaries were things like: no French kissing, asking that I always keep my underwear on, her stating that she no longer wanted to touch me under my underwear, it was OK if I kissed her on her neck and body but she did not want to kiss me anywhere, then there were other rules that were placed on how I was and wasn't to fondle her, no showers together, no baths together in our huge Jacuzzi, no experimenting with positions or activities and so on...

My primary need as a husband and the way I feel most loved is through sexual expression and I feel that these needs will never be met. What this has caused is bitterness in my spirit over the years as I feel that there is a list of expectations that she clearly and often states in regards to the things that make her feel loved and what she expects as a husband. When I have attempted to share how I feel that we both have to try and meet each other's needs, she argues that sex is different than other needs and she just doesn't like sexual expression the way I do so I just have to accept her "the way she was made". My problem is that many of the things she needs as a wife are not natural to the way that "I was made" and they require effort and stretching my comfort level as well. So I have developed a position that our relationship has an unfairness about it that has created the bitterness in my heart. It has caused me to not only to quit trying to please her but it has also caused me to become angry and I often lose my temper and talk to her in ways that are not proper in any situation. My patience for the never ending reasoning about our relationship has gone to zero and I fear for our marriage, but more importantly the happiness of us both.

We constantly have the same arguments. I argue that no matter how good I become as a husband (due to hard work on the areas she needs), she will never meet my needs or put in the same effort to meet those needs. She argues that I don't have a right to ask her to improve until I have met all of her needs and that sexual intimacy is a byproduct of a happy marriage and a happy wife. However, I argue back that when our marriage and her happiness has been good that those areas have not improved (we could not have been more happy than our wedding night). She then argues that her "sexual availability" is her effort and the fact that she does not withhold sex should be enough. While I won't speak for other men, copulation does not equal sexual intimacy and making love to a non-responsive wife is worse than no sex at all.

I want to be a good husband and I want my wife to be happy, and maybe I am just selfish but I want to be happy too. I feel that no matter what I do, she has been very clear about her boundaries.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for us/me?


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Your wife has sexul/intimacy issues that she needs to deal with. You need to make it clear to her how important this is. It sounds like you both need counselling.

I know this is not helpful at the moment but I do need to point out that this shows up the major flaw in the 'saving yourself for marriage' thing. It is a bad idea.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Hard to comment.
She wants you to do what turns her on; however, she has limited sexual partners in her life, I guessed so she doesn't really know her true sexual desires.
Therefore, many things that seems pretty normal and hot she would refuse to do it and she's very defensive.
My idea is to open up this topic and communicate with her. You will need to guide her with love and patient.
She's as simple as you. Not too many men she's experienced.
She simply needs loving support first, then you can encourage her a bit to let you please her a bit differently.
You need to make her feel safe and relaxed. First you need to make her happy, doing what she exactly wants. When she trusts you, you have more chance to get her try out new things.
Don't judge and don't criticise the rules she made or she would get even more defensive, which might tell her there's no fun in bed with you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

She wanted to marry a doormat.
She did.
I know that's harsh, but you are letting her call all the shots in your marriage and you get nothing until she is completely satisfied. Wake up, man! She will never be satisfied and therefore never have to acquiesce to any of your desires.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Nobody wants to marry a doormat.
Understanding your wife is as simple as you, men have less problem to have sex with porn stars, why? because they're professionally trained and they already fk 100 men. 
She would be good in bed as well if you allow her to find 10 hot men to teach her how to fk like a porn star. She would be different.
My husband had same issue as your wife before. He's already very skillful and experienced but because I'm even more experienced so sometimes I'm the one guiding him with new stuffs and games in bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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