# A man's POV



## Mrs Doubt (Apr 23, 2019)

Hi there,

I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.

Yesterday my husband lost his job. The company are scaling down and the options were to take a pay out or interview for the new role being created. He decided to interview, not being one to easily walk away. He didn't get the job and because he refused the original pay out, is not eligible for redundancy.

I just want to support him the best that I can through the hard times ahead. He is very down, suffers fron anxiety on a normak day and is now struggling. In his head he has let me down (no children yet) . I have reassured him in every way I can but don't want to be patronising or overbearing.

If this were you, what would or wouldn't you want to hear?

How can I help?

Thanks in advance.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


it would help to know how old he is. my advise would be different for someone early in their career who can easily bounce back versus some 50+ who has limited options.

I don't know if this helps, but this deal of his is not uncommon. I spent 22 years with a company, and was offered early retirement (but the same deal interview for jobs you may/may not get) and took it and got out as fast as possible.

he just has to remember that when doors close, others open. maybe later in life there just aren't as many doors.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I was laid off twice in my earlier days. Both times I know it was not about me or about my abilities in my jobs. The companies were either changing or going out of business.

I still felt very down, cast off, and just depressed. It was hard on me for a while, until I found something else or focused on other things. Financially we were able to work through them both, but it was tight and I felt like it was my fault.

I think the best things you can say are things that are 'we' statements. Don't say you are going to do x or you can pull through, or you will be fine. Say we.

Second, I would say to not talk about it much, especially if you guys are doing something else or talking about other things. Try to avoid bringing it up if he is not talking about it.

Finally, if things are actually going to be ok financially, reassure him of that when he is down. If they are not going to be ok, then do not sugar coat it, but lovingly use that to motivate him to get something going. Again, using we statements about working together to get things on course.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some people identify themselves with their work, and it is very difficult for them to maintain self-esteem if they lose that foundation. Changing this view has to come from within, so all you can do is be supportive as you have been, and encourage him to start looking for something new. Express confidence in his ability to move on, perhaps to something even better eventually. Also, even though he will not get a payout from the company, he can still collect unemployment and get COBRA for health benefits (in USA).


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Express confidence in his ability to move on, perhaps to something even better eventually.


This is a "biggie"....

I don't know if you have a propensity to complain..... if you do, you may want to check yourself before you complain about things which require his income .....

"I hate living here", "this car is crap", "we need more room", etc.

The things we guys want the most in life is a happy wife. Happy wife, happy life...... we want to be "the best thing that ever happened to her".


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is unfortunate and unusual that he lost the severance package because he applied for another job. I've never heard of that. 

The best thing is for him to recognize that finding a new job is frustrating and can take months or even a year, but he *will* find one. My wife was laid of recently, didn't find anything for 6 months. The got one job, and almost immediately after was contacted by a company with an even better offer. 

He can use the time between jobs to pick up new skills. 






Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


This sounds very strange to me. Why on earth should him interviewing for a job prevent him from getting redundancy. 
I’m not trying to be mean here but someone is lying. 
Either your husbands employer or your husband.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Mrs Doubt said:
> 
> 
> > Hi there,
> ...


Yeah, seems like a crappy move on the company's part.


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## Mrs Doubt (Apr 23, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> This sounds very strange to me. Why on earth should him interviewing for a job prevent him from getting redundancy.
> I’m not trying to be mean here but someone is lying.
> Either your husbands employer or your husband.


It's because his job role changed to something else. Almost like the end of one contract and the start of another granted a successful interview. Because they were offered the option of a redundancy pay out, which he didn't take, he can't have it now.

Thank you all for your advice so far, most of the above I have said to him. Trying to keep him busy so he doesn't have time to mulch.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Just be supportive. 

Take this time to do things together on a daily basis, like have coffee and chat. Maybe even with a friend or two if available. Go for walks together... Be his friend. Offer gentle encouragement. For everyone, jobs come and go. Let his frustrations slide off you. If he gets too far down, don't be afraid to scold him a bit. When I talk to people in this position I suggest they go do something fun and remember while this sucks, there's a lot of fun things they can still do.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


Lots of BJs and sex initiation...I am not trying to be funny but that's a recipe for almost all problems for a man (for me anyway). I know I am shallow...but too much talking etc can come across as patronising and he might start feeling more insecure as a result and begin taking stuff out on you.
If I feel that my wife wants me, at least I feel like I have some self-worth as a man. It's actually stupid when I think about it. And I try to reason myself out of it. But it's not easy because it is instinctive.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


I lost 2 jobs. First was after 11 years dedicated service. I was upset but knew...IT WAS THEIR LOSS. I was deflated in spirit. 3 months later I landed another job. 3 months after that....lost that job to downsizing. It just gave me more resolve to keep pressing on. My W is a SAHM. So I had to put my nose to the grindstone because it was up to me to bring in the money. Unfortunate I had to use my 401k to keep us going. It was stressful but my W was supportive in every aspect. She kept the day to day as if I was at work. Normalcy. Tighten the belt at the grocery store. Do what she could on saving on utilities, etc. I of course made my new job finding a job. My W did not press me daily on what I have been doing. She would see me going for interviews and talk with me afterwards. Never pressured me or show worry as to how we were going to make it. That was a huge help as it gave me confidence that she was confident all would work out. It may take week or months but will work out. And it did. Landed a job that I have been working for 16 years. 

Don't pressure. Show some interest but not overly so. When an interview is scheduled ask to press shirt, etc. Your day to day should be as if he is at work. He really is at work...finding a new job. Honestly, I would look daily from 0800-1200 looking for jobs. Later that evening look once again.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mrs Doubt said:


> It's because his job role changed to something else. Almost like the end of one contract and the start of another granted a successful interview. Because they were offered the option of a redundancy pay out, which he didn't take, he can't have it now.
> 
> Thank you all for your advice so far, most of the above I have said to him. Trying to keep him busy so he doesn't have time to mulch.


Did they give any indication why he wasn't suitable for the job? Was it the same job he already had?

I'm not surprised that the compnay made that deal.


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## Mrs Doubt (Apr 23, 2019)

NextTimeAround said:


> Mrs Doubt said:
> 
> 
> > It's because his job role changed to something else. Almost like the end of one contract and the start of another granted a successful interview. Because they were offered the option of a redundancy pay out, which he didn't take, he can't have it now.
> ...


Not at this time. He's awaiting feedback that they were meant to give today but haven't. I think it hurts more as his current boss was talking to him about a situation- after the bosses new who had jobs to go back to- with a future plan. As well as loads of others telling him he had it in the bag.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> This sounds very strange to me. Why on earth should him interviewing for a job prevent him from getting redundancy.
> I’m not trying to be mean here but someone is lying.
> Either your husbands employer or your husband.


Ive seen this before first hand. You can either take severance package they offered, or opt to apply and interview for a new position within the company. If you didnt get the job, you couldn't go back and take the package. Almost everyone took the package. I would have too. 

For me, a lot of self worth is tied to my ability to provide. When I lost my job, my wife said this might be the only opportunity for a long time to take a long hike. So I went for 14 days out on the trail and covered 223 miles. If I were sitting at home stressing, I think I would have been worse. The time away cleared my head and I checked something off a bucket list. If you can afford to, you might have him take time to check something off his bucket list that he otherwise wouldn't be able to working. This shows him its fine and life happens, you will always want what is best for his mental health in these stressful situations more than you care about what he brings home financially. He has enough worry about that for both of you and always will regardless of what he's bringing home. 

Is it enough? Do I do enough? Do I provide enough? Am I enough for her? Am i enough for my family? These questions frequently run through my head. Probably his as well. A great way to show him is by taking this opportunity if you can to have him go do something for himself in the face of this issue. Shows him the answer to those questions are yes. You can voice it all day, but sometimes words aren't enough. This isn't your fault or issue, its his issue. Doesn't mean you can't help him with it sometimes.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

the simple fact is...due to our bodacious President's actions, unemployment is at an all time low!
So jobs that would have been out of his reach, due to him aging out, even just a few years ago are open to him now. He MIGHT need some modern skills though. In his field of expertise...maybe suggest he take some college courses? Maybe he learns modern social media and computer skills? (He will NEED good social media skills to find a job!). 

Encourage him! build up his ego.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

"I love you. I respect you. This is temporary. This is life."

That's it. Let him work it out otherwise.

Unless ... 

He starts withdrawing, and spiraling downward. There is a difference between what you describe vs. not actively doing what he needs to do to get himself back in the game. You'll know the difference.

Also the 'interview' for another role was a set-up. I question if what they did is legal.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

It's incredibly discouraging. Repeat as necessary: Reassure him that it's not his fault. That you and the family are 100% behind him and are grateful for the efforts he's made to take care of the family. Gently when the time is right: reassure him that getting laid off isn't something to be ashamed off - but giving up and/or frozen in self pity is. Help him develop a plan like (what's the next step).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mrs Doubt said:


> ....Yesterday my husband lost his job. The company are scaling down and the options were to take a pay out or interview for the new role being created. He decided to interview, not being one to easily walk away. He didn't get the job and because he refused the original pay out, is not eligible for redundancy.
> 
> I just want to support him the best that I can through the hard times ahead. He is very down, suffers fron anxiety on a normak day and is now struggling. In his head he has let me down (no children yet) . I have reassured him in every way I can but don't want to be patronising or overbearing.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. 

Most companies with benefits plans also include some counseling or family crisis benefits. If so have him take advantage of it if he can. Most benefits packages go for full months so if he was fired the first of June, he would have all of June to take advantage of any such services.


One of the most important things to do when told that you are being fired or told that you have been let go is to try to negotiate a buy out or severance package. Have him ask for a month of benefits or salary for each $10,000 of salary. Let's say he was making $70,000 per year ask for either 7 month's salary or 7 month's benefits paid by the company. The worst that can happen is they will say no. If he worked for them a long time, ask if they will pay for career consuling to help him find his next job.

Immediately sign up for unemployment. 

Becareful, but look into career guidance or support groups for newly fired workers. There are a lot of scams out there, but there are some very beneficial groups as well. 

As to supporting him, let him know that this was a horrible thing that happened to him and ask him what you can do to help (can you get a part time or full time job?), what you can do to help him (help him fill out or search for job openings), and what you can do keep his spirits up (F his brains out?). 

Start finding some fun no-cost things to do with him that possibly involve exercise, like going for walks after dinner or first thing in the morning. Exercise is a fantastic anti-depressant. 



Good luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I have no comment, it's all been said.

Just pulling for H and you, it's a stressful time.

One of those thing a couple endures and overcomes together.

You two will as well, is my bet.

Good fortune to you both!!


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Mrs Doubt said:


> Hi there,
> 
> I'm after some male advice as I know that most men will react in a different way here to women.
> 
> ...


You seem like a very thoughtful spouse. I'm sorry this happened.

It's good that you want to be supportive and recognize that being overbearing could ruin it. I think you'll just have to gauge how he's doing and reassure as needed. When he seems to be doing mosty ok, being the same old you may give back some of the stability he lost.

The advice here so far seems pretty good. It isn't a measure of him that his company folded. He may go a while w/ no job and then get a great one.

Many of us stress when we don't have a job, myself included. A friend of mine was working a crap job out of college and living at home and eventually said eff it, quit and moved to where he wanted to live. He'd saved a bunch of money living at home and intentionally didn't look for a job until the money was almost gone. I couldn't have done that, but it worked out great for him. Instead of stressing over the situation, he played the cards he was dealt and came out fine.(has had a real job for decades).


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I would let him know that you understand there are going to be some really tough times ahead, you know that he's going to be pretty down at times, but that you're in it for the long haul and let him know that his most-important job interview was years back, with you, and that job performance has been awesome and this isn't going to change that evaluation.


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