# My Lesbian Wife?



## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Hi, I've been lurking for a while and I've finally decided to post my situation to see if anyone here has any advice. Some personal information first...

I'm 35, she's 34 and we first got together 8 years ago, got married 4 years ago, and have a 2 year old daughter. When we first met, we hit it off instantly. We liked the same music, the same activities, shared the same sense of humour and there was the added bonus of the attraction between us. We did everything together, went to rugby matches, music festivals, you name it. I can honestly say that we were best friends. From a sex life point of view, we waited what may seem an unusual length of time (nearly a year) and I was her first. But don't get me wrong, she seemed to enjoy sex a lot, and initiated it as much as I did.

So we got married and everything is great at first. Then the sex started to taper off but didn't read too much into it. I mean, that's normal when you're married, right? it went from several times a week to once a week to a couple of times a month, maybe. It was always the same excuses, I'm tired, work's hard, we have other things to do first which no time for intimacy. And I'll be honest, it started to really bug me and things were a bit strained. For those who say I should be more alpha, I'm not physically big, but I box regularly and play rugby. I'm a confident man and in my career I have a lot of responsibility, to the point of being responsible for peoples' lives. If I can be more "manly", help me out.

So, we talk out our problems, she promises to do better, intimacy improves for a while then falls back, we fight, we talk, and this cycle continues for a couple of years, but each time she seems less willing to listen. She's strong willed, like myself, and has a problem with admitting mistakes, saying sorry and generally 'all that girly crap', as she puts it. Not saying I'm much better, raised in a household of man's men, where feelings are banned. but I try.

I was having a weird vibe for a long time and considered an affair, but we both work long hours in the same area, and I've networked much more than her and have friends and acquaintances everywhere so I'm pretty sure its not that. we both work night shifts occasionally as well, but we help out on her parents' farm, so that's probably a no go.

I thought I had my chance when she left her phone behind when she went out, something she never does, not even just leaving the room. I flicked through email, text and messaging apps and nothing strange and I was bored and knew she had a kindle app, and her taste in books usually runs to the Karin Slaughter vein (she's a qualified forensic scientist). So, looked up her app, scrolled through, and didn't find any of the books I was expecting.At all. But plenty with titles like Cherry Falls, so I flick through it, and its romantic fiction. Lesbian romantic fiction. And fairly explicit. A bit surprised would be an understatement. We've had conversations before about before we met, things like 'oh, this girl tried to kiss me once at uni but I stopped her', 'my housemate was into girls and guys, that's disgusting but she's my best friend', that kind of thing. While watching Wolf of Wall Street, there's a certain scene that's kinda hot, and she wsa close to a heart attack, got very angry and acused me of being a perv. These things start to add up and I'm not a prude, and she's entitled to a past, but I'd kinda like the truth on certain things before we go married, ya know?

So she came back and she knew something was up, but she wasn't sure what. So I told her straight up that I'd looked at her kindle app and she knew straightaway but tried to brazen it out, 'they're just books so, what? And why were you looking at it anyway?'. But I just kept at it, calmly putting my point of view across, that I thought it was strange that a married hetero woman would be interested in it, especially something so graphic. There were excuses. She was bored, it was on offer in the kindle store, it was only one time. Every excuse I knocked back down. I think the quiet way I talked to her scared her and convinced her I was genuinely upset about this. We're both Irish and discussions can get a bit interesting.

She still couldn't explain why she read them, but she could understand why I was upset, and swore she wouldn't again. I told her it's up to her what she does with her life, but she needs to be honest, not just to me but to herself as well, or this marriage is in big trouble. I told her I didn't want to be sat down one day and told ILYBINILWY. Anyway, things get better and periodically I ask if she bought any more books and was told definitely not. The phone still goes everywhere with her, though.

So fast forward to a week ago and she's gone to pilates and shes forgotten her phone. so I go through it and, sure enough, no kindle app where it used to be. Until I get to the last screen and there it is. I'm a bit suspicious. Why move it to the most awkward place you can get? Why tell me it was deleted whwn it wasn't. And yep, lesbian romantic fiction. _A lot _ of lesbian romantic fiction, over a hundred new titles in just the few months we talked. There's plenty of other small things that,seen in this context, are a bit strange.

Look, I'm not a traditionalist, woman stay in the kitchen and conform kind of guy. I know that there are varying degrees of sexual orientation, expecially among women. And I know that reading what's essentially the lesbian equivalent of 50 shades of gray won't turn a woman, but there's 2 things. 

1) she lied to me about it and tried to hide it, even though I told her I didn't mind her reading them, just be honest. and lying is pretty bad

2) its the volume and absolutely no variation, no different genres just lesbian romantic fiction. 

I know this is probably long winded and some might think it's a bit stupid to get tied up over this, but imagine thinking you know someone so completely that you can guess what they're thinking, then something comes along that blows you away and really knocks the confidence out of you. Like I said I've lurked for a while and I don't think anything similar has come up before. So, is this normal? Am I over reacting? What way should I approach her?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I don't know how much advice can possibly be given.

As far as I understand, you seem to have the basic marriage where the wife calls the shots behind closed doors (because the husband allows it, of course). Sex went downhill to several times a week, to once a month, to whenever a year. This is half your fault for allowing it to go on for so long without leaving her.

I do not think the lesbian romance novels are a big deal. However, the fact that she flat out lied about it was interesting. Maybe it is some kind of fetish and she embarrassed by it? Or maybe there is more to the story? Who knows. The problem is that she can easily hide feelings/things from you and lie about it straight to your face. 

It seems like you are a pretty good guy and you have tried helping the marriage. But when their is a lack of sex plus lying, there really is nothing except for the fact that you are roommates with secret fetishes.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Hey ht,
First off really sorry you are here and in your current situation. Don't feel stupid at all(you should see some of my threads and posts), this is obviously something that bothers you. We're all here to support one another....that's the reason why I come here.

To your dilemma, I can only slightly relate to your story. You see my wife reads trashy romance novels on her kindle, A LOT of trashy romance novels......to the point where we've talked about it. Fortunately after confronting her we both agreed that reading 3-4 trashy romance books a week aren't healthy so she scaled it back.

When I was looking through her kindle I noticed the type of books she was reading and they were all very similar(millionaires, cowboys, firemen, etc......all story's with Alpha type men). I asked her why she didn't read any other romance genre(sci-fi, vampire, etc). Her response was that she liked a certain type of story and the genre of stories she read engaged her(which IMO means turned her on).

In your situation I would be very concerned. From my experience I would surmise that she's reading lesbian stories because that's what turns her on. It doesn't sound like she's cheating, but her needs are being met by these books rather than you. On top of that, it appears she has some type of attraction to women. Whether she is heterosexual, lesbian or bisexual is something you need to find out.

If it was me I'd address 3 things with her;

1. Regardless of her sexual orientation she needs to open up to you about it. You are her husband and there should be no secrets in a marriage. Her answers concerning her sexuality will go a long way in determining the direction of your marriage. If she says she's bisexual your marriage might be OK, if she says she feels like she's a lesbian then you're in trouble.

2. From your post it appears she deliberately lied to you and hid her reading from you. Some of it may be due to her being embarrassed that she's addicted to those stories. Regardless of the reason, there's never a good excuse for dishonesty in a marriage. Once trust is broken, it's only a matter of time before the marriage is in serious trouble. Personally, I'd really get on her about this.....continued lying is going to ruin your marriage and your doubt in everything she does will drive you crazy. 

3. She needs to stop spending so much time reading these books/stories. She's getting her emotional and probably sexual needs met with her escape(reading) rather than you. I'm not saying she needs to stop completely but too much of anything isn't a good thing.......everything in life in moderation.

Take a deep breath, hopefully some other folks with advice better than mine will chime in.........hang in there!


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Hi wise

I don't know if I would describe her as calling the shots. If we go out, I decide where we're going, I drive because I like to be in control and when we built our house I decided on the plans. But I can see what you're getting at, and possibly the sex thing could be due to complacency. It's easier sometimes to have a beer after a long day, right? We both work in a demanding sector and often pass each other in the doorway and it's tiring, but I've always had far more energy than her, to the point of being hyperactive. So its sometimes difficult for me to understand how she can be tired. But its something we've recognised as a problem and we'vre trying to work on.

She could be embarrassed by the stories but when we talked about it I was as reassuring as I could be, told her that if this is a part of her that she's unsure about then I'll help her any way I can. So you're right. Why lie? and that's the bit I'm struggling with the most.

Hi youngster

Considering everything, I think she's at least bisexual, which isn't a problem at all, as long as she's attracted and faithful to me. Can't help the way we're built. But you've got to be honest, at least with yourself. I think there's a whole load of issues going back years. We live in a conservative rural area where sex and sexuality don't exist, never mind talked about.

I don't know what to do about the lying. Part of me wants to believe it's because she's embarrassed, but...There's always that doubt. If she works late, who's she with? Is she really working late? Not that I think she'd do anything about it, but in her workplace there is a married woman with kids who is at least emotionally involved with a lesbian coworker. My wife doesn't know I'm aware of this, I'm not even sure she knows, but like I said, I've been in the business a long time, and it's a fairly small sector. I know most by sight if not by name. So the opportunity is there.

I'm trying to tease her away from the kindle and get her outside. She's sport mad and was a decent cyclist before the baby was born but kind of fell away from it, so I've been encouraging her to get back on it.

Ultimately, I think she has a lot of thinking to do, as do I. Do I confront her with what I know, and try and force her to some kind of resolution? IDK, she's very stubborn and she could dig her heels in and refuse to talk about it, and where does that leave us?


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

This could also very well be a journey that she has to take for herself, and I could play little or know part in it. Which is frustrating and a bit scary, to be honest. I'm not the kind of guy that is happy to sit waiting for a result, I want to go and get it. But I can't, because if she wants to find out more about that side of her sexuality, then by definition of my gender, I'll have little to do with it


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## Maria Canosa Gargano (Jan 30, 2015)

Though I do not believe your wife is cheating, I feel that you would get more attention with concrete advice in the Coping with Infidelity Thread. You will get a lot of suspicion that your wife is cheating though for obvious reasons.

I say, have a discussion with her first. Let us know how it goes. A lot of people here have being adept at understanding when someone is avoiding a talk and when someone is being sincere.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Leave her a note with the following: "Lies and secrecy kill marriages."


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want her to tell you what is going on, you have to make it safe for her to tell you.

What is the purpose of forbidding her from reading what she seems interested in? It's obviously not going to stop her from reading it.

Do you use porn?

If you let her open up to you, you will find out what's going on with her. You might find out that her interest is only in the books and not in doing anything in real life with a woman.


.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Hi Ele

Maybe I didn't explain myself too well. I didn't forbid her from reading anything she likes, although that was my first (knee jerk) reaction. It was just the shock of finding it. But I did sit down with her and have what I thought was a heart to heart. I wasn't angry or accusatory, but I told her I think she should be honest, if not with me then at least with herself. Looking back, I think she's at least bicurious because of different things that she's said and done. They don't seem much by themselves but taken together they add up.

I know I'm not a counselor, and I kind of have a "broken feelings?BAM!Fixed it!Done!" approach to emotional stuff, which is why I did suggest counselling, so she could explore this with a professional, but she said no.

I have used porn in the past, but not in a long time, probably even before I met my wife. Not that I have a problem with porn, it's just that it gets a bit samey, ya know?

Reading my original post, I do realise it seems a bit blown out of proportion until you're actually in the situation. When its with someone you thought you knew completely. But then who knows what anyone is thinking at all?


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

It might be useful to mention that I didn't think she was into any kind of romantic fiction at all, and it was a bit of a surprise before I even realised the genre. I mean, this is a girl that would moan and complain if she was dragged to see 'love actually' by her friends


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> If you want her to tell you what is going on, you have to make it safe for her to tell you.
> 
> What is the purpose of forbidding her from reading what she seems interested in? It's obviously not going to stop her from reading it.
> 
> ...


Make it safe for her to tell the truth?
Doesn't sound like she is an honest person. 

I have heard this response from you with other post. Have to make the woman feel safe to get the truth.

And I understand the reasoning behind it.even of its true for some women my take is I expect my wife above all others to be honest.

If she doesn't feel safe she should get the fvck out! Not be a lying conniving beotch.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

I think it's a bit harsh to call her lying and conniving. Sexuality is a hard thing for anyone to define for themselves, never mind try and articulate it to someone else when you're not really sure yourself. But I take your point, I've always tried to talk to her.

A lesbian friend told me once that in her experience nearly every woman is a little bit gay, it just takes the right girl and situation. A bit cynical and I didn't believe it at the time.

I don't think one single conversation is going to solve everything. But you've got to start somewhere


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

happytomorrow said:


> Hi wise
> 
> I don't know if I would describe her as calling the shots. If we go out, I decide where we're going, I drive because I like to be in control and when we built our house I decided on the plans. But I can see what you're getting at, and possibly the sex thing could be due to complacency. It's easier sometimes to have a beer after a long day, right? We both work in a demanding sector and often pass each other in the doorway and it's tiring, but I've always had far more energy than her, to the point of being hyperactive. So its sometimes difficult for me to understand how she can be tired. But its something we've recognised as a problem and we'vre trying to work on.
> 
> ...


I think you need to confront her ASAP in a firm but loving way. Delaying a confrontation isn't going to resolve anything. It will only build up your doubts and drive you nuts.

If it were me I'd sit her down and say "Wife, I love you. We have a problem and we need to talk about it."

Go through calmly what you feel the issues are(her sexuality, lying, too much time reading stories, etc). Ask her to step into your shoes. How would she feel if she caught you reading gay stories? How would she feel if she found out you were lying about it? 

Try and make it an interactive conversation between you. If the emotions start flying my guess is she will clam up and things will only get put on hold(or get worse).

Another point, in one of your posts you indicated she has a lesbian coworker. I would be very concerned about this, especially given her recent behavior. If I were you I would try to find out(check her phone, emails, facebook, etc) what is going on with that relationship. Check on her quietly, look at weightlifters post here;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

intheory said:


> happytomorrow,
> 
> *The thing that struck me is, how much money is she spending on all this . . .a hundred titles in a few months? What does each book cost? Maybe money is no object; I hope so.*
> 
> ...



My wife has a Kindle and she can get thousands and thousands of books for free through Amazon. She's a really avid reader and in the past few years we may have bought a dozen books?

Also, most libraries allow you to check out books electronically so there are a lot of titles there available at no cost. You don't even need to go to the library, just download the book from their web site.

There's a lot of X-rated type stuff on the web for free as well......


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

happytomorrow said:


> But I just kept at it, calmly putting my point of view across, that *I thought it was strange that a married hetero woman would be interested in it*, especially something so graphic. There were excuses. She was bored, it was on offer in the kindle store, it was only one time. *Every excuse I knocked back down*. I think the quiet way I talked to her *scared her* and convinced her *I was genuinely upset about this*. We're both Irish and discussions can get a bit interesting.
> 
> You told her what she was doing was strange and then knocked down every "excuse" she made for reading them. You scared her. She doesn't feel safe telling you the truth because of this.
> 
> ...


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This is coming up a lot lately, IRL and here at TAM.

I know a lesbian who divorced her wife, then went on to date and fall for a few men. I also know a woman who left her husband for another woman and is now expecting a child via AI. I think a woman's sexuality is much more fluid than a man's. I also think women MAY have a harder time accepting their sexual orientation because woman have a more difficult time accepting and understanding their sexuality period.

All this to say...who knows if your wife is a lesbian or bi curious or just bi?

What EleGirl said is absolutely correct. Your wife has to feel safe in order to discuss this with you.

Can you imagine loving your husband and desiring him but also discovering that lesbian sex totally turns you on, even though you might not WANT to have lesbian sex? How confusing?

I read a LOT of erotica. My kindle is filled with dirty stories. I've written erotica. All of the erotica I like and read is D/s based, even some male/male erotica. Now if I get turned on by male/male stuff does that make me want to HAVE male male sex? Not possible because I'm a woman. Just chew on that for a second...

Also, some of the stories that turn me on are situations I would NEVER EVER want in real life. I don't know why we get turned in by things that we would never want, why we fantasize about things we would never want...but we do and it's normal.

This thread really brings to light the confusion and misconception people have regarding sexuality, not to mention the remnants of keeping sexuality in a nice and neat little box, your wife included. I bet she herself has no idea how to categorize how her sexuality is expressing itself.


Bottom line, what do you want here? 
You want faithfulness? (That's reasonable) 
You want her to only be turned on by you? (That's not something either of you can control)
You want her honesty? (That's something I'm not sure she can give you right now.)

Make it safe to talk to you. Don't assume her sexuality indicates a lack of love for you or a lack of attraction toward you. Your child is only 2, it is VERY common for women to have their sex drive go underground for a few years when the kids are little. There is something about nurturing young children that makes a sex drive go underground. Maybe it's the constant touching, holding, soothing, bathing... It's certainly not something that helps a sex drive! But reading erotica does help a sex drive.

Ask her to contemplate her sexuality and to be honest with you when she is ready to open up about it. Reassure her that your opinion of getting turned on by reading erotica is perfectly fine-assuming it is for you- but you want her to bring those desires to you so that you toe can work together and find a way to make your marriage work.

Also, I would encourage you to read those stories yourself. It may not be the lesbian action that is turning her on. It may be something else contained in those stories.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

I think you're on the right track already, OP, she is at least bisexual. It's not the erotica on it's own that makes me think that, but the fact that she has showed an obvious aversion to non-hetero activity. People who thought their bisexual friend's behavior was "disgusting" do not go on to read copious amounts of homoerotic ebooks. People who are insecure about their own sexuality, however, do. If she grew up in a conservative and/or religious environment (whether that's just the attitude of the town or her family specifically), you can see why she might feel the need to repress those desires.



EleGirl said:


> If you want her to tell you what is going on, you have to make it safe for her to tell you.


I agree with this. If you want her to open up, you have to convince her that she will not be persecuted for what she tells you. If her repression is based out of a fear of being ostracized, this is what she is afraid of. I agree with other posters that you really need to sit her down and have a serious discussion with her about her behavior and the impact it is having on your marriage. If you try to be as open-minded and understanding as you appear to be in this thread, she might open up to you.

If she doesn't, I would take some initiative and book a counseling session. If she absolutely refuses to go with you, you could either give her an ultimatum or go by yourself to begin with. The counselor may be able to give you more sound advice on how to breach the topic with her, and she may warm to the idea over time. Sometimes counselors even agree to do intervention-like sessions, where they will come to your house when both of you are at home and catch your partner unawares (this seems like a sh*tty thing to throw on someone, but desperate times etc).

But let me just chuck it out there that even if she IS a lesbian, that does not necessarily mean she is not in love with you. Sexuality is not as black and white as people like to think it is. One of my friends from high school is the straightest straight dude you've ever met - apart from how he's not. It blew me away when I found out he was dating a guy I know from my local comic book store. Thing is, my friend still considers himself to be straight. This guy is his one exception.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Just curious and I hope this isn't a threadjack but...

Why does a woman have to feel safe in order to be honest?

Now granted I'm a bit on the anal side when it comes to honesty. And my wife is naturally transparent and honest in every aspect of her life. But I honestly (no pun intended) just don't understand that statement? If a woman...or a man...doesn't feel safe in a relationship why is she...or he...in it to begin with?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bfree said:


> Just curious and I hope this isn't a threadjack but...
> 
> Why does a woman have to feel safe in order to be honest?
> 
> Now granted I'm a bit on the anal side when it comes to honesty. And my wife is naturally transparent and honest in every aspect of her life. But I honestly (no pun intended) just don't understand that statement? If a woman...or a man...doesn't feel safe in a relationship why is she...or he...in it to begin with?


Because some people grow up in a judgmental family with shame tactics being the primary parenting style. ::raises hand:::

If you've been judged your whole life, been subjected to shame tactics to keep you in line (a very common tactic) you judge and filter your own feelings. You repress the ones that make you feel shame and express the ones that don't. Which is why so many men can only identify their feelings as happy, mad and sad.

In order to be honest about our deepest, darkest feelings, the ones that makes us feel shame, one must feel safe to do so. Not just safe from the judgment of others, but safe from our own self judged shame.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Because some people grow up in a judgmental family with shame tactics being the primary parenting style. ::raises hand:::
> 
> If you've been judged your whole life, been subjected to shame tactics to keep you in line (a very common tactic) you judge and filter your own feelings. You repress the ones that make you feel shame and express the ones that don't. Which is why so many men can only identify their feelings as happy, mad and sad.
> 
> In order to be honest about our deepest, darkest feelings, the ones that makes us feel shame, one must feel safe to do so. Not just safe from the judgment of others, but safe from our own self judged shame.


Thanks for the reply Anon. My wife grew up in a very religious family. IMO and hers she was also judged often and harshly. If she deviated even the slightest from what was considered "right" she was chastised unmercifully. However, she reacted the other way adopting an almost brutal honesty that she has maintained to this day. In fact it's one of the things I found most attractive about her. She also (surprisingly) continued to be devoutly religious although not to the strict level of her parents.

I've often heard Turnera describe her toxic shame and it sounds very much like what you describe. All I can say is I am deeply saddened that anyone has to endure and live with that kind of pain. I would think IC is warranted in order to drop that baggage by the side of the road and live a life less filled with that kind of fear. Do you feel that the OP's wife is similarly pained? Given my penchant for needing honesty I admit I would find it very difficult to know how to make someone feel safe enough to tell the truth.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Whenever the partner is gay or bisexual you cannot meet their needs 100%. Maybe they can be satisfied with gay porn and the straight real life.

Now here is 64 dollar question: she is not so excited about have sex with you, but if she knew you were away and fantasy woman were in the bedroom waiting for her, would she walk or run to get taste the peach juice?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

You ladies are all missing the point. 

Flip the script. A wife, who has never suspected her husband to watch porn, discovers so and asks for advice. I doubt any of you would give her advice to 'to make him feel safe' so he can talk about it when he gets caught lying about it. So get the hell out of here with that nonsense.

A husband discovered that his wife reads lesbian erotica novels. Before you bash the guy, take a step back. (1) There is a lack of sex throughout their marriage; (2) she never once told him about this fetish of hers (she kept it a secret until caught); (3) when he discovered the novels, she completely dismissed his thoughts by escaping the question; (4) when he pushed on the subject, she flat out lied about it with excuses; (5) he was able to read through her bullsh*t; and (6) after she said she deleted them, he found them with MORE content. 

But it is all his fault because he did not make her feel safe???? Once again, get the f*ck out of here. Your wife, whom you thought was strictly straight, fantasizes about other women. It wouldn't be so bad if their was a complete lack of sex. For a man, and speaking as a man, THIS is a slap in the face. No man wants to see that his wife rather reads lesbian sh*t, rather than have sex with him. It's a complete blow to a man's ego. 

I think OP handled this situation a lot better than most men would have. "She felt scared, so she lied." "You need to make her feel safe." Horrible advice. I guess he is suppose to just 'deal' with it because his concerns/'mean'ness scared her into lying.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

bfree said:


> Thanks for the reply Anon. My wife grew up in a very religious family. IMO and hers she was also judged often and harshly. If she deviated even the slightest from what was considered "right" she was chastised unmercifully. However, she reacted the other way adopting an almost brutal honesty that she has maintained to this day. In fact it's one of the things I found most attractive about her. She also (surprisingly) continued to be devoutly religious although not to the strict level of her parents.
> 
> I've often heard Turnera describe her toxic shame and it sounds very much like what you describe. All I can say is I am deeply saddened that anyone has to endure and live with that kind of pain. I would think IC is warranted in order to drop that baggage by the side of the road and live a life less filled with that kind of fear. Do you feel that the OP's wife is similarly pained? Given my penchant for needing honesty I admit I would find it very difficult to know how to make someone feel safe enough to tell the truth.


There are many levels involved here. 

The person may not feel comfortable/safe in vulnerability in general. Some emotions can be honestly expressed while the more vulnerable emotions can not. That takes good therapy to get through.

I myself have a very hard time expressing vulnerable feelings. I use anger as a tool to defend myself from being or feeling vulnerable and many times it has served me well. I was the youngest and made fun of by everyone any time I cried. I learned not to. I don't remember one single time of ever being comforted except by my father a few times when he was home.

In the OP's case, it's difficult to tell because this is about her sexuality and we all know that a woman isn't supposed to have sexual feelings until she is married, so she represses them. (And of course once married she is supposed to always be attracted to her husband even when he stopped earning that attraction) But what happens when a repressed woman also has sexual feeling for other women? This may not even be the case with his wife. As was said by me and several other posters, what turns us on isn't always something we want in real life.

So it's a three fold problem here.

Being safe to express herself honestly. (Shame and vulnerability)
Being safe to understand and own her sexual feelings. (Shame)
Understanding the variances of a woman's sex drive and how child rearing absolutely can interfere with that. (Shame and self judgement "what's wrong with me? why am I not currently turned on by my H?)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bfree said:


> Just curious and I hope this isn't a threadjack but...
> 
> Why does a woman have to feel safe in order to be honest?


It's not just women, it's men too. It is human nature to need to feel safe in order to divulge their deepest thoughts and feelings. 

She is going something that both she and her husband think is strange and off limits. She probably cannot even explain it to herself. Then she meets the kind of reaction from her husband and it shuts her down.

Men often say that they hide their porn use from other people because they feel ashamed of it and/or because they are concerned that they will be looked down on because they use porn. Basically they do not feel safe being open and honest about it. 



bfree said:


> Now granted I'm a bit on the anal side when it comes to honesty. And my wife is naturally transparent and honest in every aspect of her life. But I honestly (no pun intended) just don't understand that statement? If a woman...or a man...doesn't feel safe in a relationship why is she...or he...in it to begin with?


Maybe because she got into this relationship before she realized that she was so into lesbian romance novels and/or erotica? So this was not something she had to deal with when they first got together.

Or maybe because over time a person learns that if they bring up certain topics their spouse will not take it well, will attack them or act in the manner that OP did.

If the OP had been more open and not so critical of his wife, she would probably be open with him. But he's made it clear that he is bothered by this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happytomorrow said:


> This could also very well be a journey that she has to take for herself, and I could play little or know part in it. Which is frustrating and a bit scary, to be honest. I'm not the kind of guy that is happy to sit waiting for a result, I want to go and get it. But I can't, because if she wants to find out more about that side of her sexuality, then by definition of my gender, I'll have little to do with it



I agree with you that there having a concern that if she is going to explore lesbian sex, that cuts you out.. unless you two start doing fmf threesomes. I get that.

But, her enjoying lesbian literature does not even mean that she wants to explore sex with women. 

I am 100% heterosexual. I have zero desire to have any sexual contact with any woman. I've never even been curious about it.

But I get as aroused looking at erotic pictures of naked women and men. I thought that all women were like this. But apparently not. 

I think that you would do well to let her open up to you more so that the two of you can work through this together. If you push her away on this topic, which you have, you are basically telling her that she has to explore this on her own and with other people. Become part of this, instead of pushing her away.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lots of good advice already. OP, your wife needs to be convinced to be open and honest with you in a safe manner.

She does have a problem with hiding this aspect of her sexual fascination. I have fantasies that would probably have me branded as a first class weirdo and pervert but I have zero desire to live any of them.

Also. We train our brains what to respond to sexually. Your frequency is probably being impacted by her fascination with lesbian erotica, especially excluding you from her fantasy world.

Communication, trust and understanding might be able to help.

I have informed Mrs. Conan not to ever be ashamed of being curious about anything. I have caught her watching TV shows that get clicked off when I enter the room. I then lovingly told her that she could be watching super stud porn with an Adonis sporting a nine inch Wang and I would be wanting to have a conversation with her about it but I would never make her feel bad for it.

I love her and don't have an issue with being interested or curious about anything. I just want to be included and have her feel safe and comfortable with me to share and express.

Our sex life has been going through the ionosphere lately, as good as or better than porn, since she has been gaining confidence with me.

Hope you two can connect on this. Seems she loves you and I don't think she is a hardcore lesbian.

I believe she is just a sexual woman. Hope she opens up to you.

Best wishes.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Maybe she could start including a male figure in her fantasies, perhaps watching her with another woman and being aroused by her and her partner?

Exploring with you could be very healthy and rewarding.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

HT,
In reading the responses know that you're going to find posters pushing a particular point of view. Some have been hurt by a spouse and they're projecting their hurt into your situation. Others espouse a lifestyle/agenda that they are trying to push. Know that some of these folks, most with good intentions, are going to try and guilt you into following their path. They'll do this through name calling or innuendo that your "not a man" or "you're a bad husband". Don't get baited. Don't get cyber-bullied into taking a bad path.

Remember, ultimately how you choose to handle this is your decision. None of us have to live with the results. However you choose to resolve this with your wife, make certain it reflects your values and is a decision you're comfortable with.


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## batsociety (Jan 23, 2015)

LongWalk said:


> Whenever the partner is gay *or bisexual *you cannot meet their needs 100%.


Not true.



> [...]would she walk or run to get taste the peach juice?


Thanks for this, now I can't think about peaches without cringing.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

wise said:


> You ladies are all missing the point.
> 
> Flip the script. A wife, who has never suspected her husband to watch porn, discovers so and asks for advice. I doubt any of you would give her advice to 'to make him feel safe' so he can talk about it when he gets caught lying about it. So get the hell out of here with that nonsense.


I get what you're feeling here about there being two standards, one for men and one for women. I agree. I personally have never responded negatively to a wife upset about her H's porn use, unless you count me telling her to get over herself and put some more effort into understanding a MAN'S sexuality.

Men do need to feel safe to discuss their porn use. Any many times they lie because they fear her disgust with him. See, same standard, just expressed differently because men and women are different.




> A husband discovered that his wife reads lesbian erotica novels. Before you bash the guy, take a step back. (1) There is a lack of sex throughout their marriage; (2) she never once told him about this fetish of hers (she kept it a secret until caught); (3) when he discovered the novels, she completely dismissed his thoughts by escaping the question; (4) when he pushed on the subject, she flat out lied about it with excuses; (5) he was able to read through her bullsh*t; and (6) after she said she deleted them, he found them with MORE content.


1. I've already addressed this in two posts above.
2. She may not have known about it. She may not feel comfortable sharing it with him. I have some things that turn me on I've never shared with my H. A) I don't want them in real life. B) I'm still uncomfortable being completely open on some things.
3. You mean when he confronted her about it? When he judged her before even asking for her to be open with him? You mean when he rushed to judge instead of trying to understand? 
4. Don't have an answer for this except to say she doesn't feel safe in sharing this with him. Not saying it's right or wrong, or that it's all his fault. I'm just telling you what it is.
5. Her bullsh!t? Why the anger here? Why is it bullsh!t to not be open and vulnerable about a potentially shame filled thing? How can anyone demand vulnerability and that kind of honesty.
6. Yes, you're right! She should not have lied to him about deleting them.




> But it is all his fault because he did not make her feel safe???? Once again, get the f*ck out of here.


Again, why are you so angry? No one said its all his fault that she hid or lied. He wants the truth from her in a very deeply shame filled perhaps not even fully understood sexuality. If you think accusations will get him the truth, be my guest! Let us know how that works out for you.



> Your wife, whom you thought was strictly straight, fantasizes about other women. It wouldn't be so bad if their was a complete lack of sex. For a man, and speaking as a man, THIS is a slap in the face. No man wants to see that his wife rather reads lesbian sh*t, rather than have sex with him. It's a complete blow to a man's ego.



Only if said man knows nothing about sexuality in general and women's sexuality specifically.

Her declining sex drive has already been addressed. Do not assume the two are related! They may be, but it's likely they are not.

Can you not think of what might be different about two women loving each other as opposed to a man and a woman? Other than body parts, how the two lovers Realtek to each other is very different. Men don't understand women very well, but women understand other women much easier. Besides that, all women are beautiful! But not all men.  jk! 



> I think OP handled this situation a lot better than most men would have. "She felt scared, so she lied." "You need to make her feel safe." Horrible advice. I guess he is suppose to just 'deal' with it because his concerns/'mean'ness scared her into lying.


Doesn't surprise me. Most men do not deal with emotional intimacy very well at all!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Youngster said:


> HT,
> In reading the responses know that you're going to find posters pushing a particular point of view. _Some have been hurt by a spouse and they're projecting their hurt into your situation. _ *Others espouse a lifestyle/agenda that they are trying to push. Know that some of these folks, most with good intentions, are going to try and guilt you into following their path. *.



Agree with italicized.

Bolded and underlined part... Do you really think anyone ever is pushing a lifestyle agenda when they urge acceptance of sexuality and owning of sexuality? I mean with all the people I have talked with to erase their preconceived notions of shame filled sexual feelings...I have never once gotten a toaster oven for converting someone to the dark side. To whom do I address that complaint?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Marriage counseling. Seems like you may need a third party to straighten things out, one way or another. 

I really think that if OP was a woman and her H was into huge amounts of gay porn and lied about it.... the advice wouldn't be so sensitive. 

IF she doesn't "feel safe" talking about then marriage counseling is needed. It's needed anyway just for the lack of sex. Those excuses are lame. Seems like she is getting her sexual and emotional needs filled without OP.

So whether she is lesbian, bi or hetero....there needs to be some kind of meeting of the minds.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Agree with italicized.
> 
> Bolded and underlined part... Do you really think anyone ever is pushing a lifestyle agenda when they urge acceptance of sexuality and owning of sexuality? I mean with all the people I have talked with to erase their preconceived notions of shame filled sexual feelings...I have never once gotten a toaster oven for converting someone to the dark side. To whom do I address that complaint?


*"I get what you're feeling here about there being two standards, one for men and one for women. "*

You answered your question in a previous post.......There are posters here who push that double standard.

I encourage everyone to explore and own their sexuality....but sexuality should never be an excuse for bad behavior.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Agree with italicized.
> 
> Bolded and underlined part... Do you really think anyone ever is pushing a lifestyle agenda when they urge acceptance of sexuality and owning of sexuality? I mean with all the people I have talked with to erase their preconceived notions of shame filled sexual feelings...I have never once gotten a toaster oven for converting someone to the dark side. To whom do I address that complaint?


I believe toasters are John117's department.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Youngster said:


> *"I get what you're feeling here about there being two standards, one for men and one for women. "*
> 
> You answered your question in a previous post.......There are posters here who push that double standard.
> 
> I encourage everyone to explore and own their sexuality....but sexuality should never be an excuse for bad behavior.


And what pray tell did she do?

Read some books?

Oh. The. Horror!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> I believe toasters are John117's department.


:lol:
Lowell he is totally slacking off! I should have had at least a dozen by now!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Marriage counseling. Seems like you may need a third party to straighten things out, one way or another.
> 
> I really think that if OP was a woman and her H was into huge amounts of gay porn and lied about it.... the advice wouldn't be so sensitive.
> 
> ...


I can't speak for anyone else but I guarantee you that MY advice would be exactly the same for a woman whose husband is watching gay porn. 

However, since men have testosterone to fuel their sex drive, (and women don't) if they weren't having sex more than once a week, or the sex they did have was problem filled, with ED and a total lack of passion, I would suggest he might be gay. 

Also consider, it is much worse for a gay man to come out than a gay woman. Men are far more constrained than women with regard to expressing feelings in general and their sexual variances. It's easy for a woman to admire the beauty of another woman, even to admit to a girl crush. But not at all for men. For the record, I think this is extremely unfair to men.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It's not just women, it's men too. It is human nature to need to feel safe in order to divulge their deepest thoughts and feelings.
> 
> *I guess you're right. With what I've gone through in my life I just don't have the time or patience to worry about what someone else thinks of me, not even my wife. However, I'm probably an outlier in this thinking.*
> 
> ...


Thank you for responding to my post Elegirl and may I say welcome back, you were missed!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is entirely possible that OP's wife can be happy in a monogamous sexual relationship with her husband while she enjoys lesbian romance fiction, but their sex life is not going so well. She is presumably not asexual since she has enough desire to read romance fiction.

Is there a double standard for men and women? Absolutely. If a man is into porn instead of his wife, that is a betrayal. She should confront him. Same goes for men whose wives are addicted to romance fiction but not sexually very active with their husbands. 

OP needs to tell wife that he loves her and wants her to be happy. Therefore, he needs to understand where her sexuality places her in their marriage. A man is more likely to accept a bisexual wife than a woman is to accept a bisexual man. Double standard? Sure.

Things can get complicated when couples try to satisfy all angles.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lets reverse the situation.

You are happily married with her and she snoops through your cell one day and only finds gay x rated romance novels in it. What do you think she would say? What would everyone here say? You're gay in hiding or at least bi sexual in hiding.

Since she is the one only viewing lesbian x rated romance novels, hiding them, lying to you and its getting worse, I'd bet you, she is really into the ladies or at least bi sexual.

Since her interest in these books is only increasing, I would say its a matter of time before she brings home another woman, 3 some, or starts an emotional and then physical affair. Maybe she already is having a lesbian affair at the gym, pilates, etc.?

If she viewed all varieties of romance books, then I wouldn't be concerned. But since its only lesbian x rated romance novels, she is trying to hide, lying to you and its getting worse, big red flags dude!!!!

A genuinely straight happily married woman doesn't go out of her way to specifically view lesbian x rated romance novels.

I'm a happily married guy for over 15 years and I don't read graphic gay novels on my cell. If I started recently doing that, Mrs.CuddleBug found out, big red flag for her!!!

Definitely something going on.......


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

To the OP...I totally understand that the shock of finding this stuff made you feel weird, and the shock of the content of the books made it further weird.

But your shock about it clearly shows why she can't be open with you about it. Some husbands would chuckle and not even mention it. Some husbands would be turned on and ask to be included in the erotic reading. Some husbands would turn her over his knee and say "Oh got up to some naughty reading while I was away, did you? Bad girl!" There is no right way for you to react, but I'm just pointing out the other ways you may have reacted aren't wrong either.

Your dynamic with your wife is showcased by this situation. She is private about what turns her on and doesn't share it with you, and you are suspicious and snooping about it and you actually don't know her well enough to know if you CAN trust her or not...it is not ideal, but this can be fixed.

She's going to have to want to open up to you. The way you've handled this so far has not made her want to open up. 

Are you willing to change direction and just let go of this topic, and start trying to build an OPEN atmosphere between you two so that you can both get more open and honest and trusting? Once you get to that point, you and she will most likely be sharing more about what turns you each on.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

So don't talk to her about her sexual preferences, and don't worry because that has nothing to do with her reading list.


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## AriYarjan (Mar 21, 2015)

OP, this may be something as simple as she is turned on by the literature without actually being gay, and/or she is curious, and/or there may be some fluidity in her sexuality. Nothing to be overly worried about.

I would give her some leeway so that she feels comfortable discussing this with you rather than threatened.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> To the OP...I totally understand that the shock of finding this stuff made you feel weird, and the shock of the content of the books made it further weird.
> 
> But your shock about it clearly shows why she can't be open with you about it. Some husbands would chuckle and not even mention it. Some husbands would be turned on and ask to be included in the erotic reading. Some husbands would turn her over his knee and say "Oh got up to some naughty reading while I was away, did you? Bad girl!" There is no right way for you to react, but I'm just pointing out the other ways you may have reacted aren't wrong either.
> 
> ...


I agree. Try initiating discussions on other topics to get the lines of communication flowing. My wife and I routinely talk about subjects that are generally taboo in many cases. We talk religion, politics, and about other items that would frequently become divisive but we never criticize each other for our opinions. It's a good exercise in listening and respect. Maybe if she sees you being respectful and reasonable in talking about other things she will be more open to talking about touchy subjects. And I'm not necessarily saying you haven't been respectful and reasonable but her perception is what matters if you want her to open up more.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Maybe I haven't explained myself too well but there seems to be a perception that I confronted her the initial time I looked at her kindle. I'll try and make things a bit clearer so bear with me.

When I found her books I actually waited a couple of days before I talked to her about it. I sat her down and told her that I was looking for something to read on her kindle app and I found something I wasn't expecting to find. I wasn't accusatory or condemning her, and I told her this, I said I just wasn't expecting to find them. I asked her was there anything she was worried about or concerned with, because she can talk to me and I'll support her any way I can. I told her I love her very much, and nothing's going to change that. I told her I'd like her to be honest, at least with herself, and if she needed space I can give it to her. 'Knocking down her excuses' was probably a poor choice of words, but it was a discussion we were having and when she's put on the spot I can tell when she's trying to come up with a false reason. One of them was that she's researching for a book she's writing. Hadda laugh at that one.

I tried to make her feel safe and be understanding and I don't think I was 'snooping'. Maybe it would help if I expalined she's a bit of a tomboy, knows more about sport than I do, cand change the oil on a tractor or car, hates shopping and moans when shes dragged to 'romantic crap' as she puts it at the cinema. I hope you can see why I was taken aback. i didn't ask her to close her kindle account, I said it's up to her what books she reads, but she said she understood why I asked her about them. She described them as the literary equivalent of fast food. Which I can relate to, I've read plenty of rubbish. Maybe not in the same genre though.

It's the fact that she hid it from me and lied to me. That kinda hurt. Perhaps my original post came across a bit strong and probably not how it actually went down. Her potential bisexuality (or not) doesn't really bother me, I want her to be happy in herself and feel that she can talk to me about it. Some people posting are right, her family would be fairly religious and we live in rural ireland, where change comes fairly slow and no ones business is their own. I'm not originally from the area and my fmily were a lot more liberal, but I can understand why she might be reluctant to talk about it.

I've not brought it up again since, except to ask if she deleted her kindle app, something I told her I didn't want her to do if she didn't want to. And I haven't approached her about it even though it's in theback of my mind. I'm just trying to work things out in my head first. Thanks for all the comments, I do appreciate them, even the bashing ones!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

HappyTomorrow,

I don't believe anyone has bashed you in this thread. Pointing out that your tone of voice and the words you used probably made her feel accused and then defensive, which is counterproductive to helping her open up, is not bashing. It is the truth.

We all make mistakes, yes?

Now Id like to point out something else. In this thread, some of us pointed out, perhaps a tad too forcefully, that you made a mistake in the way you confronted her. You have come back with a defensive tone. You have added details and changed your story and essentially not admitted to anything. ....which is kind of what your wife did when you confronted her.

You're trying to paint a picture of your wife being a lesbian because she doesn't like romantic movies, doesn't like shopping, is a bit of a tomboy and doesn't have sex with you very often. You just described me during the earlier 10-15 years or so of my marriage. I'm not a lesbian. You think he choice in McStroke stories indicates her sexual orientation and many of us here in this thread have suggested that it might, but it might now.

And I would like to suggest that Ireland might be a country in which toxic shame regarding sexuality is a parenting style encouraged by the church for keeping the daughters chaste before marriage considering their stance on birth control and abortions.

It seems you came here to discover if her sexuality might be a reason why she doesn't have sex with you very often.

You're not feeling loved by her, wanted or desired by her?

Maybe we should be talking about that instead of trying to figure out her sexuality when she is not here to speak for herself?


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Don't have time to make a longer post. Anon and OP, I said my wife was shamed and chastised a lot growing up. Her family is very religious. She and they are also Irish so I can relate to the OP's wife's situation and feelings. Anon, I'm now seeing what you, Elegirl and others are talking about. The culture of shaming as a parenting style probably does have a lot to do with why HT's wife is reluctant to open up.

HT, it probably has less to do with how you talked to her about this issue and more to do with how she perceived the discussion especially when considering her upbringing. She heard accusations and shaming because she expected accusations and shaming.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks BFree, you translated that well.


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

As I said before, the OP handled this situation better than most men.



Faithful Wife said:


> But your shock about it clearly shows why she can't be open with you about it. Some husbands would chuckle and not even mention it. Some husbands would be turned on and ask to be included in the erotic reading. Some husbands would turn her over his knee and say "Oh got up to some naughty reading while I was away, did you? Bad girl!" There is no right way for you to react, but I'm just pointing out the other ways you may have reacted aren't wrong either.


But a man is a 'pig' or what is a better word.. a 'cheater' if he hides/lies about porn because of his wife's shock about it. However, in this situation, the man has to be sincere and pleasant so his wife doesn't hide/lie her feelings/emotions. 

On another note, your classes of husbands theory was unnecessary. Husbands would chuckle and not mention it IF THEY WERE GETTING LAID. Some husbands would ask to be included IF THEY WERE GOING TO GET LAID. Some husbands would turn her over their knee IF THEY WERE GOING TO GET LAID. These classes of husbands DO NOT exist when you have a low-drive spouse who hides and lies because as the words flow "she doesn't feel safe." 

Everyone is giving him the 'make her feel safe' line with no actual directions. What else does the OP have to do in order to make her feel safe so he can join in on the reading and have wild sex as a result? Take her to a counselor?


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Hi anon

I'm sorry if I came over as defensive I didn't mean to. And my original post was written when I was still a bit upset about being lied to so I tried to qualify it in my later post after a few days had passed. I mentioned her interest in sport etc not because they are 'lesbian' traits, for want of a better word, but just to illustrate how unusual it is for her to read romance novels, never mind the genre. It's the fact that shes so different from other women that attracted me to her.

I think bf has a point, her family are very prominent and well known locally, and any 'loss of face' is to be avoided. Add to that a mother that suffered from depression and blamed my wife for her loss of happiness, and I can understand why shes defensive. And I could probably have handled it better.

As other posters have said the reduction in sex might be related,but it might not. That's something we'll have to work on. When we do have it, it's great and she seems to really enjoy it.

I didn't think I had trust or communication issues with her. She really is my best friend, we're on the same wavelength (or so I thought) and I thought she could tell me anything, and has in the past.

I just want her to be happy,hopefully with me. I'm not even sure I'm going to bring this up with her, which is probably why I'm here. Sometimes an objective honest opinion is whats needed


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Wise...you clearly just want to read into my post what you want to read. I did not call any man a cheater or a pig for looking at porn ever in my life. 

But think whatever you want. Just know that you are creating even more gender related animosity by your projections.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Make her feel safe = disappear

I'm being facetious of course but there is a grain of truth in this for no amount of words will make her feel safe so action may be required. Action in the form of a separation from her, not as a childish hostile response but as acknowledgement that she is a human being with free will and should not be pressured in any way, shape or form to open up, even if the person doing so is her husband.

A separation may give her time to reflect on who she is and whether she is sexually attracted to her husband or for that matter, men in general.

So OP you may want to consider my words and judge whether they have any value to your situation.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Whether she feels safe or not you aren't going to get any answers until you talk to her.


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

My wife says she is a lesbian that married a man. She loves women but has never cheated or strayed outside of our relationship without me with her. However, her attraction to women is purely physical. She doesn't want a relationship or long term girlfriends.

Your wife is probably embarrassed, as was my wife. She was probably raised thinking it's wrong, or now that she is married fantasizing about anyone outside of the marriage is wrong, and is just embarrassed of being caught. It may be wrong to fantasize about women now that she is married, depending on you and your beliefs. I personally am not threatened by women.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

happytomorrow said:


> Hi anon
> 
> I'm sorry if I came over as defensive I didn't mean to. And my original post was written when I was still a bit upset about being lied to so I tried to qualify it in my later post after a few days had passed. I mentioned her interest in sport etc not because they are 'lesbian' traits, for want of a better word, but just to illustrate how unusual it is for her to read romance novels, never mind the genre. It's the fact that shes so different from other women that attracted me to her.
> 
> ...



I agree with the potential conclusion you've reached. If I understand correctly, you are thinking that just letting this go might be best?

Focus instead on the sex life you do have and talk together with he to find ways to be more sexually expressive with each other. Be more attractive to her.

And I'll say again, your baby is only 2... Lots of women take a bit longer to get their drive back.


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> *I agree with the potential conclusion you've reached. If I understand correctly, you are thinking that just letting this go might be best?*
> 
> Ignoring issues in a marriage is about the worst advice you can get.
> 
> ...


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I don't think anyone here can determine with any surety the OP's wife's sexual orientation. Women of all orientations can be turned on by lesbian porn or lesbian romance novels.

My question for the OP (which he has already answered) is whether or not he's OK with his wife being bisexual or bi-curious. Since he said he's fine with it, the question goes back to why he isn't getting sex.

The answer to that question could be the same reason why she's hiding the books in the first place. I am a Christian, and I recognize that being raised in a strict religious environment can lead to some deep-seated feelings of shame regarding sexuality, and this sometimes manifests itself in the bedroom of the unsuspecting spouse, AFTER they've been having a relatively healthy sex life.

The last scenario is that she really is a lesbian. As the OP said, her family is prominent in their town, and perhaps she's afraid that if she comes clean to him that he will leave and her secret will be out, and she will be the shame of her family.

Personally, I think this marriage needs counseling, but for the same reasons listed above, she is not likely to agree. I'm not a fan of threatening to leave, but I would suggest taking some time to yourself to get away from the situation and gain some perspective.

Trust me, I say this from experience - trying to ignore something that is bothering you, thinking you will simply power through it for the next 50-70 years is a recipe for disaster. You think it will eventually stop bothering you, but it will always be there.

Have you ever seen "A Beautiful Mind?" There is a scene where his hallucinations, which he knows are hallucinations, are simply there, following him wherever he goes. They were there in the room, waiting to be acknowledged, no matter how much he ignored them. Suspicion and resentment are the exact same way - no matter how much you ignore them, if you acknowledge their presence in any way, even after years, it will be like they never left.

I can't speak to the dynamics of your relationship, but maybe if you can remember a time where she opened up to you about anything, you can try recreating such an environment. Otherwise, I'd tell her flat out that your marriage is not going to work if she won't be honest with you.

And you have to mean it.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Thanks everyone for their thoughts and advice, I've been offline for a few days, really just to consider everything and think about what I should do.

I decided I should talk to my wife but I was trying to find the best way to approach her. I didn't want her to feel I was attacking or trying to catch her out. We got the baby ready for bed and settled down and I told her there was something we needed to talk about. She was a bit apprehensive, understandably so.

I thought honesty would be the best way to approach this, so I told her I'd found her kindle app and looked at it. I told her I was sorry for invading her privacy but I was worried about our relationship because I kept getting a strange vibe from her.

She was shocked and didn't really say much, and I thought she was afraid of my reaction (accurately as I later found out). I tried to reassure her that I wasn't upset about what she was reading but rather that she felt she had to hide it from me. I told her that she could talk to me about anything and that I understood that she might be confused about things at the minute and not really able to articulate them, but she shouldn't be afraid to talk to me,even if she thinks I won't understand. 

Apologies, I'm trying to write this on my phone


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Sorry I'm trying to write this on an iphone!

Anyway, she didn't really say anything, asked me what she needed to say to make things better and I told her she didn't need to make things better, this is something that shes just going to have to work out for herself. I told her I'm not naive, that a woman's sexuality can change, and that it's not an issue as far as I'm concerned, as long as I'm the one shes committed too. I said that she didn't have to say anything to me right now, just think about everything I've said.

This talk happened a few days ago, and we just continued on as normal, maybe a bit quieter, as quiet as you can be with an active 2 year old. When we went to bed last night, she says she was ready to talk to me. So I held her close and let her speak.

She told me that she did find women attractive, but she was attracted to men as well. She told me she felt this way for a long time and it really confused her, to the point were she'd ignored, I suppose repressed would be a better word, her feelings. She said it had resurfaced again at university, maybe because she was on her own for the first time and she had a few experiences with girls, nothing serious, a kiss and 'touching' as she put it. She also had boyfriends but again nothing serious.

I didn't really say anything as she was talking, just let her say what she needed to say. I did ask her why she never told me any of this. She felt dirty, she said, and she thought I'd be disgusted and not want anything to do with her. I was a bit taken aback, told her I just wanted her to be happy and comfortable with herself and not to be ashamed, there was nothing to be ashamed about. Can't help the way we are, right?


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

She kind of went quiet for a while and I didn't really know what to say, so I asked her was this why she read her romantic novels. She said she liked the interactions between the characters, they were so different from between men and women. She did say most were crap (her words) but every so often there was a decent one. She also said they kind of turned her on and she felt really ashamed feeling that way but she kept reading them.

I told her there's no need to feel ashamed it's okay to have feelings like this and not to be afraid to talk to me. She did ask me was I going to leave her, and she'd understand if I wanted to, because she was a '[email protected]'. What do you say to that? All I could tell her was what I told her before, it's normal to be be attracted to men and women, and in no way did that make her a [email protected] She did ask if I'd be angry if she was bisexual (the only time shes used that word) and I told her no, it doesn't matter at all as long as she loves me. Sometimes you have to wonder what kind of society makes its women feel like this.

I did tell her if she needed space I'd give it to her but I loved her more than anything. We were both tired and had a baby that would be getting up in a few hours so we'd leave it for tonight. We both had a lot to take in.

Did I handle it wrong? Should I even have asked? I don't know, not yet anyway. I had guessed some of it, but the level of unhappiness shes feeling because of her attraction for women wasn't something I was ready for. She cried and all I could do was hold her. I have to wonder how she carried this around with no one to talk to. Are we going to be ok? I hope so, but it's far too early to tell. Shes working tonight so we haven't had a chance to talk but I think we both need a few days to digest this. I'll let you know how we're both doing, and I'd appreciate any advice or comments it's been invaluable so far


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I think she is going to love you more than she ever has for accepting and loving her exactly as she is.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

happytomorrow said:


> She kind of went quiet for a while and I didn't really know what to say, so I asked her was this why she read her romantic novels. She said she liked the interactions between the characters, they were so different from between men and women. She did say most were crap (her words) but every so often there was a decent one. She also said they kind of turned her on and she felt really ashamed feeling that way but she kept reading them.
> 
> I told her there's no need to feel ashamed it's okay to have feelings like this and not to be afraid to talk to me. She did ask me was I going to leave her, and she'd understand if I wanted to, because she was a '[email protected]'. What do you say to that? All I could tell her was what I told her before, it's normal to be be attracted to men and women, and in no way did that make her a [email protected] She did ask if I'd be angry if she was bisexual (the only time shes used that word) and I told her no, it doesn't matter at all as long as she loves me. Sometimes you have to wonder what kind of society makes its women feel like this.
> 
> ...


You made it emotionally safe for her to open up to you. Your intimacy with your wife has increased many fold. Great job.

The slvt shaming of women's sexuality is despicable and should be called out by everyone, men and women. It destroys all people.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Thanks f and d

Now that I've got time on my own to think, I'm starting to think I was a bit too centred on my own needs. It didn't even occur to me how unhappy she was and really how afraid she was to talk to me. I think we can work this out but it is going to take time and effort. There are a lot of issues she has to deal with and she only faces them when shes confronted with them. Which I kind of what I did, now that I think about it


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

Fitnessfan said:


> I think she is going to love you more than she ever has for accepting and loving her exactly as she is.


!00% You did extremely well! 

Best,


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I think by you being super supportive, this will only embolden her to explore her lesbian interests even more.

She married you, a man, not a woman and her sexual fantasies should be communicated to you openly and you rock each others worlds.

That means you don't view gay kindle novels secretly and she doesn't view lesbian only kindle novels either. Then why did you really get married?

You are married to each other, man to woman.

If you separated for a while, there is a good possibility she would pursue another woman because you aren't around to see if she's reading even more lesbian novels, etc.

She loves to read many lesbian novels secretly from you.......and that tells you, she is either bi or a lesbian that didn't want to deal with it and still marry a man.

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be too happy about this. Red flags.

If Mrs.CuddleBug was into lesbian only kindle novels, keeping it a secret from me, its growing, that tells me she is really deep down into the ladies. Lesbian in hiding is the way I'd see it.

Maybe I'm over reacting but a happily married hubby and wifee don't go secretly viewing gay or lesbian only novels......


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> I think by you being super supportive, this will only embolden her to explore her lesbian interests even more.
> 
> She married you, a man, not a woman and her sexual fantasies should be communicated to you openly and you rock each others worlds.
> 
> ...


I hate to disagree with you but women, married, single, gay, bisexual, straight all like different things and there's nothing wrong with that or them. One of my wife's favorite programs ever was The L Word. My wife also finds certain women attractive. She's never had any kind of romantic interlude with a woman and she says that she has no immediate desire to do so but the thought doesn't repel her. Is my wife heterosexual? Is she bisexual? Is she bicurious? Is she gay/lesbian? Doesn't matter. She's mine and I'm hers. That's all that matters.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

CuddleBug said:


> I think by you being super supportive, this will only embolden her to explore her lesbian interests even more.
> 
> She married you, a man, not a woman and her sexual fantasies should be communicated to you openly and you rock each others worlds.
> 
> ...


You are.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

bfree said:


> I hate to disagree with you but women, married, single, gay, bisexual, straight all like different things and there's nothing wrong with that or them. One of my wife's favorite programs ever was The L Word. My wife also finds certain women attractive. She's never had any kind of romantic interlude with a woman and she says that she has no immediate desire to do so but the thought doesn't repel her. Is my wife heterosexual? *Is she bisexual? Is she bicurious? Is she gay/lesbian? Doesn't matter. She's mine and I'm hers. That's all that matters.*


:iagree:


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## Youngster (Sep 5, 2014)

HT,
Big thumbs up on talking to her, remember the foundation of marriage is communication! 

One thing I didn't see in your post was her saying she's committed to you and your marriage. It sounds like you expressed your commitment, I didn't see where she expressed her commitment. 

It would have been nice to hear "I'm bi-sexual but HT you're the only person I ever want to be with".


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

I'd love it if my wife were bisexual.... As long as she was honest about it and never cheated on me. I might let her play if we discussed it. I think it's hot.... Lol.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Youngster said:


> HT,
> Big thumbs up on talking to her, remember the foundation of marriage is communication!
> 
> One thing I didn't see in your post was her saying she's committed to you and your marriage. It sounds like you expressed your commitment, I didn't see where she expressed her commitment.
> ...


You're right, I had to ask if she was still in love with me, rather than just loved me. At the minute, I'm putting that down to the fact that I kind of hit with a load of stuff and made her face up to things that maybe she'd rather not talk about, and she was just overloaded. She did say an awful lot, and it was emotionally draining for both of us. All the same, I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't concerned at least a bit about it. 

We haven't really talked about it since, like I said we've both needed a few days to let things sink in. But we've a night away from home tomorrow (and from our daughter!) so we'll be ale to relax and talk then. That's the plan anyway.

Cavenger, the fantasy is usually a lot better than the reality. It's another person they'd be with, not just some sex toy (sorry for the crudity), and feelings can develop with anyone. I'm not an expert, but wouldn't there be little difference between playing around with another woman rather than a man? Like I said, no expert, so someone better informed could set me straight. Me, I'm kinda selfish, I don't want to share her with anyone.

Is there anyone else have any similar experiences? I know it seems trivial but it's had a big effect on our lives, so anyone who's been through it (or going through it) could give me their views


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

happytomorrow said:


> We haven't really talked about it since, like I said we've both needed a few days to let things sink in. But we've a night away from home tomorrow (and from our daughter!) so we'll be ale to relax and talk then. That's the plan anyway.


I would leave the subject alone for a bit and just enjoy your time away. There's potential to ruin a perfectly good evening.


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

happytomorrow said:


> You're right, I had to ask if she was still in love with me, rather than just loved me. At the minute, I'm putting that down to the fact that I kind of hit with a load of stuff and made her face up to things that maybe she'd rather not talk about, and she was just overloaded. She did say an awful lot, and it was emotionally draining for both of us. All the same, I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't concerned at least a bit about it.
> 
> We haven't really talked about it since, like I said we've both needed a few days to let things sink in. But we've a night away from home tomorrow (and from our daughter!) so we'll be ale to relax and talk then. That's the plan anyway.
> 
> ...


Happy, 

I apologize for seemingly trivializing your situation. I have actually deals with a similar situation and I know it is not easy and it is still infidelity either way. I wish you luck in figuring this thing out. 

Take care, 

Cavenger


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your talk was good. It is entirely possible that she and you can be happy living with her bisexual fantasy life. What is hard to bring up is to what degree is she burning inside to kiss a woman and/or more?

Modern life tells us not to repress our desires. We are supposed to be happy. Doesn't always work out that way.

One question for her: Does she feel herself to be polyamorous?


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Does it matter what she sexually desires? No. It's her business.

But she did marry you, a man and not a woman.

You don't go secretly viewing only gay or lesbian kindle novels but then aren't really attracted to the same sex.

You view what you are attracted to and will one day act upon.

- she is secretly viewing "only" lesbian kindle novels
- she was hiding it from you
- her viewing of this is growing

But she isn't into the ladies? No, she is into the ladies, just hasn't got to that point yet.

It's like Mrs.CuddleBug secretly viewing lesbian only kindle novels, hiding it from me, its only growing and I am supposed to think she isn't really into ladies??? Talk about putting your head in the sand.

Again, you view things you desire and when you secretly do them, behind you wife or hubby's back, that's worse and a more serious matter because what else have they done behind your back?

And you're married.....that means an open, honest marriage, no secrets and you only have sex with each other.

You can cover your ears and say, not listening....or put your head in the sand.

If you support her about this, she will do it more and one day.....I had a PA with this woman I met at........I really like the ladies, I want a divorce.

Since she married you and loves you, why doesn't she read hubby and wifee romance novels? Because she is more into the ladies, that's why.

She isn't being honest with you and you're being too nice and supportive about this and she knows it........


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## cavenger (Aug 26, 2012)

CuddleBug said:


> Does it matter what she sexually desires? No. It's her business.
> 
> But she did marry you, a man and not a woman.
> 
> ...


Disagree... It is possible for people to be turned on by something and not act on it. Maybe she is just embarrassed by her kink? I think you are painting a broad brush.


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## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> This is coming up a lot lately, IRL and here at TAM.
> 
> I know a lesbian who divorced her wife, then went on to date and fall for a few men. I also know a woman who left her husband for another woman and is now expecting a child via AI. I think a woman's sexuality is much more fluid than a man's. I also think women MAY have a harder time accepting their sexual orientation because woman have a more difficult time accepting and understanding their sexuality period.
> 
> ...


Wow. This advice helped me too.


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

Hi everyone

I know its been a few days since I've posted but I'm not the most frequent user of he internet. We had our night away and just enjoyed it for what it was. It was nice to get away just by ourselves.

Longwalk: I think I could live with her bisexual fantasy, as long as that's all it is-fantasy. I think I mentioned before, I don't share, and she's well aware that if she cheated, then it's over. It doesn't matter if it's a man or woman, cheating's cheating. I actually had to look up polyamorous I don't think so, but it's probably something that we'd need to discuss. I don't want her to get the impression that because I'm okay with her (bi)sexuality or whatever, that it's okay to explore it with another person. That goes both ways-it's unacceptable for me to chase around after other women.

Cuddlebug: I don't think it's a case of putting my head in the sand, I did talk to her about it and she did tell me more than she has before. She did say she was attracted to women and experimented with women at university, but she's well aware that I won't stand for cheating. I think its more out of embarrassment and shame than anything else. Misplaced, I know, but anyone with experience of rural Ireland would understand it.

I have asked her if she could recommend a decent novel so I could maybe gain an insight but she doesn't seem keen. I don't know if that's because she'd rather keep this as her own private fantasy, she's embarrassed bacuse some of them can be pretty graphic (no bad thing, I told her) or she thinks I'll laugh at them. She did say that I wouldn't like her asking about my choice of reading material. Personally, I'd love it, but I don't think she's into zombies or scifi.

On a separate (but possibly related) note, we did have an argument about sex. We'd talked about some 'you and me' time,so on wednesday I sorted out our daughter while she went for a shower 'to tidy up'. When she came back, she sat on the sofa going through her iphone, checking Facebook, that kind of thing. Which is a bit frustrating, because she had said she was a bit horny, and it kind of felt that she was ignoring me. It gets later and later, until eventually it's getting a bit late. It sounds a bit soft, but I do like to hold her after sex and talk, but sometimes it feels like that was great, let's go to sleep.

So she did notice I was getting a bit annoyed and I said why shouldn't I be, you've spent more time on Facebook than with me., this is supposed to be our night. she did point out that I never made a move when she came back from the shower, which is true, but I told her sometimes she seems so disinterested in sex that it gets a bit disheartening initiating all the time. She got annoyed at that, and said when does she ever turn me down, and I said very rarely, but it does seem that I have to do all the chasing. I'm fairly assertive, but a bit of reciprocation now and again would be nice, if anyhing just to show that someone is still interested in me.

Things were getting heated, so we took a break for a while and came back to it once we'd collected her thoughts. She apologised, I apologised, and we did this thing we started where we have a fight, get annoyed, calm down then talk and ask each other questions without getting annoyed. seems strange, but we're both hot tempered and it seems to work so far.

I did ask her was she still interested in sex with me, because it doesn't seem like it. She said she did, it's just that she likes me to make the first move. Considering what we'd talked about before, I thought this was no time to beat around the bush, so I asked does she want me to take charge of her and do what I want, and never mind what she thinks? Apparently so.

I realise that this seems pretty obvious to many here, but Mrs HT is super assertive, in work she's a team leader, used to giving orders, and she's the eldest in the family and bosses the rest around, so it is a bit surprising. Or maybe not, surrendering control when you're used to having it can be liberating. Can it?

So we did a kind of a deal. She'll try and initiate more and be less passive, I'll take charge and when I want to f#ck her, just f#ck her (her words). I don't know if this will solve our issues with sex, but I do think that we're communicating more now and hopedully it'll continue.

Apologies for the long post, once I started it all seemed to come out!


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Actually many "assertive types" both men and women like to be dominated or controlled during sex. By completely surrendering they can relax and let whatever happens happen. They don't have to think...just enjoy. It certainly sounds like your wife fits into that category.

Oh and as far as reading material goes, how about you combine both your interests. Here is a list of the best zombie lesbian novels.

http://www.goodreads.com/list/show/30104.Lesbian_Zombie_Books


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## happytomorrow (May 12, 2012)

bfree said:


> Oh and as far as reading material goes, how about you combine both your interests. Here is a list of the best zombie lesbian novels.
> 
> Lesbian Zombie Books (22 books)


Well there you go. You learn something new every day. Some of them look interesting I'll mention them to Mrs HT. 

I think I get what you mean about the whole dominance issue, but it's just having to accept that my very switched on, motivated and confident wife wants to be 'used', for want of a better word. But I'll give it a go


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