# Salvageable?



## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

I am posting in this forum to get a woman's opinion. About a month ago my wife was at an annual hunter's ball with friends and was asked by a guy to dance. I normally go also but had to work. She said he was polite and that she talked about me and our kids and etc. He did the same. She said she doesn't remember how she got outside but remembers being there and him telling her he wanted her to go back to camp and just "snuggle". She said she was married but he kept telling her how beautiful she was and how he liked her smile(all of the things that she said she wanted to hear from me). He said he was going to kiss her and although she knew it was wrong, she let him. She then tried to get away and he kept saying it would be good for both marriages. Her friend had seen him escort her out the door and when she found her she yelled at him to leave her alone. She helped my wife back in the bar and my wife sat in the bathroom crying for the rest of the night. Our marriage hasn't been perfect and I know I take her and her talents for granted. I know she feels bad and really loves me but admits she has shut down the part of herself that wants me sometimes because I have eroded that part of her over the last twenty years. She says it is fixable and I know what I have to do but I didn't grow up in a house where my dad treated my mom special so I've been learning as I go. Do you think it's possible to restart that fire or do you think there will always be a part in her that I can't fill? She thinks there is something wrong with her that made her do that. Also, do you think there is something wrong with me that I want to find out who the guy is and ***** him out? He was only in town for a once a year get together and lives hours away. She only knew his first name but she does know someone who knows him.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Some how I suspect there is more to the story. How did you find out? W came clean? So this OM simply pulled your W out the door? There has to be more to this incident.


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

She told me right away when she got home. She uses my phone sometimes to log onto Messanger so of course I read a message she had with one of her friends that was there. My wife told her that she doesn't remember how she got outside and her friend said as soon as the girl that ended up chewing him a new one saw him take her outside, she was seeing red and went looking for them.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Before I comment further,how far would she have gone if she hadn't been interrupted?

She did cheat but at least it was stopped before it went further.

As painful as it is, she needs to take an honest look at herself that night and not only examine why she allowed herself to cross boundaries but just how far was she going to go with this guy and why?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I see she was trying to get away after the kiss.

Was he restraining her?


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

I don't like the part about how she doesn't remember voluntarily going outside with the guy. I mean, she's a fully capable, functional, adult, isn't that right? She can get through the day without assistance of some type? She drives a car, she votes, she pays bills, she probably even works and does housework, isn't that right?

Suddenly she's taken outside against her will and she has no memory of this event other than she found some guy forcing himself on her, she let him kiss her, and she had to be rescued by a friend in the nick of time?

Either she's a problem drinker, she has poor boundaries, really bad memory to the point of a medical disorder, or she's not being truthful with you.

No matter which one it is, it's not good.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

upnorth said:


> Our marriage hasn't been perfect and I know I take her and her talents for granted. I know she feels bad and really loves me but admits she has shut down the part of herself that wants me sometimes because I have eroded that part of her over the last twenty years. She says it is fixable and I know what I have to do but I didn't grow up in a house where my dad treated my mom special so I've been learning as I go. Do you think it's possible to restart that fire or do you think there will always be a part in her that I can't fill? She thinks there is something wrong with her that made her do that.


We have to learn what we are not taught. Sometimes, it can be that simple, for you and her...

Try these, Fall in Love, Stay in Love

A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

The 5 Love Languages

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Best


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

Thank you


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Most women have a sixth sense about avoiding certain situations with men they do not know.

If she had female friends there, wouldn't they have been aware if the guy was forcing himself on her?

It might have went father than she anticipated it to but she did allow it to escalate to that point


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

Yes. She said when she realized it wasn't right, she kept trying to get past him but he had her backed up to the side of a truck. She was crawling on the ground to get away when her friend found her and started screaming at him. When she was in the bathroom crying he kept trying to go in there to make sure she was okay. When she was trying to get away she told him she had to tell me what she did. His friend said he cut his trip short and drove all the way back home.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. This seems very salvageable.

She needs to figure out how she allowed herself to cross boundaries and work on strengthening herself in those areas, with your help if necessary.

As for your part in the marriage, the aforementioned books are excellent and by the simple act of you trying to connect on a closer level with your wife, you will become closer.

It is a very good sign that she caught herself and confessed to you.

Your marriage is not severely unhealthy yet.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Also.

Wanting to mess the son of a bltch up that pressured your wife is both natural and healthy.

Be careful how you deal with those perfectly normal emotions.

Informing his wife might alleviate some of your ire.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Sounds like a while bunch of stuff is missing....

"He said the things I wanted you to say"....blah blah...see how this whole thing became your fault? She didnt outright say that...but it is certainly implied.

I suggest an experiment. If you have the brass balls to pull it off, it will tell you all you need to know. 

Tell Her..."Baby, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I kust didnt know what to do...so i called the police and spoke to a very nice detective...he said that restraining you like you described is assault. He wants us to meet with him at the station to make the formal complaint and review the security footage with the District Attorney. The appointment is ______ (Insert time no more than 2 hours from the time you tell her). We are gonojg to fix this baby....no one attacks my wife and gets away with it"

Then.....watch her reaction...it will tell you all you need to know....if she is ready and good to go...then go make the complaint....if she refuses...BOOM

I wouldn't normally take this route.....but she had many friends around her and has had time to get a story together.....

The way this goes down....that will tell you if its salvageable....or not


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Seems salvageable to me. 

When I was married, I would have loved to have this happen to my ex so I could leave her ass and blame it all on her. Are you looking for an excuse to start over your life?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I would tend to agree that its salvageable.....IF...there has been ZERO fabrication...any Trickle Truth...and the odds drop catastrophically 

Unless you are actually ok with this OP...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If she is telling you it is salvageable, then it is. It means she has not checked out completely. 

But you better get with it. She has given you a narrow window here, and if you don't take this opportunity she may not give you another. 

Find that guy and smack the sh!t out of him.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

upnorth said:


> She says it is fixable and I know what I have to do but I didn't grow up in a house where my dad treated my mom special so I've been learning as I go.


That's what you're going to blame dropping the ball on? The fact that your father acted that way? Oh brother.

My father was an abusive, wife beating alcoholic and my mother feared and hated him. Yet, somehow, I managed to still grow up KNOWING the basic concept of give and take in a committed relationship. It's not rocket science so own your sh*t for starters.

Secondly, I think your wife got swept up in the moment and I think her story about not remembering how she got outside is a huge pile of cow manure.

Third, I think if her friends weren't there to run interference, it probably would have gone a lot farther. I also think the chances of you getting a confession when she got home would only have been 50/50 if she'd been alone with NO friends to witness what she did. Come on - she had no choice but to confess.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> That's what you're going to blame dropping the ball on? The fact that your father acted that way? Oh brother.
> 
> My father was an abusive, wife beating alcoholic and my mother feared and hated him. Yet, somehow, I managed to still grow up KNOWING the basic concept of give and take in a committed relationship. It's not rocket science so own your sh*t for starters.
> 
> ...


*Greatly reminds me of the old Redd Foxx joke about the good-looking but rather unhappily-married woman sitting alone on a couch at a party, who was being hit on by some random good-looking guy! Stealing a kiss, and with a roaming hand, he tried his best to run it beneath her panties, to which she objects vociferously, saying, "Stop doing that, can't you see that I'm a married woman?"

Not to be held back, she straightened herself up and quickly added, "Now if you'll run your hand down my back, it'll be the second place you come to!" *


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

I was waiting to see when the bitter replies would start coming. Yes, I did drop the ball. I watched my father beat the crap out of my mom and put our families belongings out in a pile to burn. She only got flowers from him when she had a black eye or massive bruises. He wasn't an alcoholic. He didn't even drink. I know what not to be. I'm just trying to be what I should be. I understand a lot of cheating spouses keep many details out. After being together for 25 years, I know she is telling the truth because we have the ability to lay everything out on the table whether it hurts feelings or not. I have finally come to peace with whatever we decide to do. I would rather give her the life she deserves together but If it doesn't work out then I would love her to start a new life with all of the talent and potential she has. I wasn't asking if she was telling the truth, I already know she is. I was asking if a woman could have her passion for her husband reignited after years of being let down.


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

I absolutely know she is telling the truth. After 25 years together without pulling punches, we are brutally honest with each other.


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

We have had that discussion. She is beside herself on why she let it happen. Believe me, I have never seen her feel so ashamed in 25 years. She said it was nowhere near a physical attraction. She just felt special with the compliments and when she told him the snuggling wasn't gonna happen he said he was gonna kiss her and she admits she let him before she realized it was wrong and she said it was like shadow boxing trying to get out of the situation.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"she let him before she realized it was wrong"

She always knew it was wrong. She let him before she came to her senses and said to herself 'wth am I doing?'.

Yes, passion can be reignited.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

upnorth said:


> I wasn't asking if she was telling the truth, I already know she is. I was asking if a woman could have her passion for her husband reignited after years of being let down.


Yes, absolutely. I'm living proof.


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## upnorth (Dec 24, 2016)

You are right Blondilocks. That was what I was trying to say. She knew it was wrong immediately


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

upnorth said:


> You are right Blondilocks. That was what I was trying to say. She knew it was wrong immediately


You got your wake up call. Answer it. Life will be much better for you. Your marriage will be on a new level.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Do you know who this guy was? Any way to track him Down?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Try marriage coaching. It is generally not as intrusive as marriage counseling, and the "coach" can give you and the wife some pointers on how to re-kindle the fire. 

Everybody needs a little help.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I would also say, going forwards, that you and your wife need some boundaries in your marriage: rules that you and her agree on that you will both be held accountable for. Sort of a marital constitution. 

Sit down with her and write out what your boundaries will be from now on. Get a big poster paper and make a big list. 

Like so:

_1) We will not physically or verbally abuse each other in any way. No physical violence. The only time we touch is when it is a loving touch. We will not call each other names, refer to each other in derogatory or derisive ways, say hurtful or mean things and never be condescending. We will treat each other with mutual respect, generosity and kindness at all times. 

2) We will not flirt, text, talk to or have any inappropriate conversations with anyone outside of our marriage (male or female) at any time, whether we are together or apart. 

3) When we are invited to parties or social functions, we will not drink alcohol unless we are together and one of us is the designate. 

4) We will not go out to bars or nightclubs without each other present. 

5) .....and so on...._


The two of you have to agree on the boundaries. She gets to come up with some, and you get to come up with some. If you disagree on one...you talk about it. It can be as long as you want. Then when both of you come up with a list you both agree to, then you both sign it...like a contract of sorts. Keep it where both of you can have access to it. 

This is a great exercise that will bring the two of you together, get you working together as a unit, and will help rebuild some of the shaken foundation.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

upnorth said:


> Yes. She said when she realized it wasn't right, she kept trying to get past him but he had her backed up to the side of a truck. She was crawling on the ground to get away when her friend found her and started screaming at him. When she was in the bathroom crying he kept trying to go in there to make sure she was okay. When she was trying to get away she told him she had to tell me what she did. His friend said he cut his trip short and drove all the way back home.


I am no lawyer but to me this is describing assault and maybe false imprisonment. I'd confront the guy with some strong words (over the phone) and call the police to follow up on it. That ought to scare him off for good.

But before you do, tell your wife that you are going to see about pressing charges and her reaction will tell you a lot about her roll in this. Unless she is just clever and evil and willing to see the guy go down to keep the gaslight burning. If thats the case, then your just screwed--or at least your marriage is.

As for your marriage--if both of you want it to work, sure, it can work. That is you both have to be in love with the idea of a future together. The past is, in a large sense, irrelevant--I have learned that well enough.. Don't expect to feel like a teenager again though. 

Happiness is about fulfilled expectations and unhappiness is generally the result of unfulfilled expectations. If someone has unreasonable expectations, they will always be unhappy regardless how gifted or privileged they are. 

Good Luck.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Chuck71 said:


> Most women have a sixth sense about avoiding certain situations with men they do not know.
> 
> If she had female friends there, wouldn't they have been aware if the guy was forcing himself on her?
> 
> It might have went father than she anticipated it to but she did allow it to escalate to that point


This.

Women, unlike dudes (maybe the extremely handsome ones) get hit on from a young age. Unless she's socially awkward etc (even then she will have talked with friends about guys hitting on them) she will have heard every come on, every excuse to get into her pants, every guilt trip, every fake compliment and sweet talk. 

So the main problem with her story is the "I didn't know what was happening it was all innocent" line.

The man approached her to dance. Did she give him a come on as an invitation and even if he randomly just picked her, they finished dancing and started talking..all innocent right? 

So there comes a point where it stops being general chit chat and enters pick up territory by that point she knows what is going on and what he's all about, by the time he's isolating her to get a little privacy there would have been no doubt about what was happening. Even then when he goes in for the kill she lets him, and if not for the friend other stuff might have happened.

No doubt she feels guilty but make no mistake she knew what was happening and had opportunities to stop it dead but didn't.

My problem with this is now she's sort of using this as a stick to beat you over the head with..and maybe you're doing this to yourself as well.

No doubt passion can be rekindled but women generally don't like the I got hit on and now my husband wants to change for the better. Resentment starts to come into it.

Maybe IC and MC can sort this out.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Try marriage coaching. It is generally not as intrusive as marriage counseling, and the "coach" can give you and the wife some pointers on how to re-kindle the fire.
> 
> Everybody needs a little help.


*Had me and my RSXW tried this "marriage coaching," she probably would have told him exactly how "the cow ate the cabbage" and then would have seduced the poor ol' SOB just for fun!*


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