# Am I obligated to deal with his addiction



## MrsQualls

Me and hubby have been married for 3 months. Honestly, we did not take enough time to get to know each other. We got married after only 5 months of knowing each other. One thing that I am learning now is that he indulges in marijuanna smoking. This is something that I'm not into, and do not want to deal with as I have children, and I don't want them around that type of environment. He knows how I feel about this, and at first he agreed that he would respect my wishes and not smoke marijuanna. I have found out that he has been smoking behind my back, and today he pretty much told me he doesn't care about my feelings and he proceeded to smoke in front of me. Where does this leave me?? Also, in the past I did tell him that if he wanted to smoke I would leave him. If I don't uphold my end of it, won't that devalue everything I say in the future?


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## hisfac

Yes if you told him you would leave him if he smoked marijuana and now he's smoking it and telling you he doesn't care about your feelings if you stay with him you're going to be in big trouble but not for the reasons you seem to think.

Hint: it's not because you said you were going to do something and then not follow through.

Hint: it has something to do with what he said about not caring about your feelings, lying to you about the pot smoking, going back on his word, and (apparently) doing it around your children. 

Hint: Once you extricate yourself from this mess, realize that you have issues that led you to bring yourself and your children into the life of a man you barely knew, and figure out how to fix them.


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## Kurosity

You are not obligated to deal with HIS addiction(It is his to deal with or not). Yes if you said you would leave and you don't he most likely will not believe any thing you say in the future. When ever you give an ultimatum you have to be willing to fallow through.


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## MrsQualls

He didn't exactly say he didn't care about my feelings, but that is the way I took it when he smoked in front of me knowing how I feel about it, and knowing what I said to him about it before. He hasn't smoked around my children, but I don't ever want that to become an issue. Speaking of issues, we both have a lot of them, but this is my biggest one at the moment.


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## hisfac

MrsQualls said:


> He didn't exactly say he didn't care about my feelings, but that is the way I took it when he smoked in front of me knowing how I feel about it, and knowing what I said to him about it before. He hasn't smoked around my children, but I don't ever want that to become an issue. Speaking of issues, we both have a lot of them, but this is my biggest one at the moment.


No, his pot smoking in front of you is not your biggest issue.


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## Kurosity

WHy did you get married so soon? Just wondering. 

If it is not something you want to live with and he will not stop then you have to make a choice about it and one you are sure you can live with.

I would say smoking it right in front of you is saying "screw you and what are you going to do about it" That is how I would feel about it if I were in your shoes.


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## Laureen

MrsQualls said:


> Me and hubby have been married for 3 months. Honestly, we did not take enough time to get to know each other. We got married after only 5 months of knowing each other. One thing that I am learning now is that he indulges in marijuanna smoking. This is something that I'm not into, and do not want to deal with as I have children, and I don't want them around that type of environment. He knows how I feel about this, and at first he agreed that he would respect my wishes and not smoke marijuanna. I have found out that he has been smoking behind my back, and today he pretty much told me he doesn't care about my feelings and he proceeded to smoke in front of me. Where does this leave me?? Also, in the past I did tell him that if he wanted to smoke I would leave him. If I don't uphold my end of it, won't that devalue everything I say in the future?


RUN, RUN RUN... Like your butt is on fire and he is chasing you with gasoline!! I am an alcoholic and I am telling you from personal addiction experience... YOU DON'T WON'T CAN'T come first as long as he is living in the chaos of addiction. Your kids will never come first either to YOU or him if you do not run away now. You will play a viscous part in this viscous cycle. You will, absolutely if you stay. You have already begun to play a part simply by asking what to do, VS just leaving. You already know what to do but are hoping beyond hope to get an answer that will solve the problem without having to do the hard things.

Your kids - more than anyone else, don't deserve to live the life that is looming before them. 

My husband and I both are extreme participants in alcoholism. I stayed when he was a controlling monster and I began to drink. NOT HIS FAULT. That was my skewed thinking that kept me there and drinking changed the way I feat. We both tried every remedy to deal with each other for years, never getting to the problem until AA. I am MY problem, HE is HIS problem and once those problems are address, the fight for control, the obsession of the mind for alcohol goes away... ONLY by taking the steps could that happen. Putting it down and vowing never to do it again, does not work. Solemn promises do not work. NOTHING works until one admits complete defeat to their innermost self... and if he does admit that, then he WILL do what he needs to get well, and that will be working the 12 step spiritual program of NA. (For me, AA - as I am an alcoholic)

My kids suffered the chaos of alcoholism by living with us and watching us spiral out of control and they became less and less important in the whole scheme of things. 

YOU AND YOUR KIDS DESERVE to be happy!!! Please stand your ground and get the heck out of dodge. The more consequences he suffers, the more likely he will begin to see the truth about himself!!

God Bless!


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## Gooch78

If its occational, like having puffs on a vacation or like just to realx over the weekend, thats not bad. If its a daily habit something is wrong. He wants to forget the reality of life.. If you knew from the beginning thats a different issue, but he lied about his serious habit. Very tough as you know he may stop at one point of time.. Good Luck!


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## unbelievable

From everything I've read, weed isn't physically addicting. This guy smokes pot cause he likes it. He isn't moved by your wishes because he cares more about his own gratification than any pain or worry you may have. This, from a man 3 months into a marriage? This is his honeymoon face. Wait till you see his 10 years of marriage face. His poor choices don't forge chains for you.


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## trey69

MrsQualls said:


> He knows how I feel about this, and at first he agreed that he would respect my wishes and not smoke marijuanna. I have found out that he has been smoking behind my back, and today he pretty much told me he doesn't care about my feelings and he proceeded to smoke in front of me. Where does this leave me??


It leaves you with a decision to make. If you told him upfront you didn't care for it, and he is doing it anyway and then tells you he doesn't care about your feelings, that should speak volumes to you! 

You told him before if he did this you would leave him, well get to packing your bags, because you can't make a threat like that and not follow through. He wont take you seriously, which he already doesn't anyway.


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## Entropy3000

It sounds like a deal breaker to me.


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## tacoma

You told him it was a deal breaker.

It`s not like he didn`t know.


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## PBear

You've got kids, and you married a pothead after 5 months of dating? No offense intended, but that's pretty irresponsible to let someone into your family that quickly.

The only "dealing" you can do is accept the fact that he's going to smoke dope in the house. You told him this was unacceptable and a deal-breaker to you, and you will demean anything you say later if you let this go.

To me, "dealing" with it would be supporting him if he needs help in getting over the habit. It wouldn't mean accepting an illegal and unhealthy habit.

C


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## Cherry

Laureen said:


> RUN, RUN RUN... Like your butt is on fire and he is chasing you with gasoline!! I am an alcoholic and I am telling you from personal addiction experience... YOU DON'T WON'T CAN'T come first as long as he is living in the chaos of addiction. Your kids will never come first either to YOU or him if you do not run away now. You will play a viscous part in this viscous cycle. You will, absolutely if you stay. You have already begun to play a part simply by asking what to do, VS just leaving. You already know what to do but are hoping beyond hope to get an answer that will solve the problem without having to do the hard things.
> 
> Your kids - more than anyone else, don't deserve to live the life that is looming before them.
> 
> My husband and I both are extreme participants in alcoholism. I stayed when he was a controlling monster and I began to drink. NOT HIS FAULT. That was my skewed thinking that kept me there and drinking changed the way I feat. We both tried every remedy to deal with each other for years, never getting to the problem until AA. I am MY problem, HE is HIS problem and once those problems are address, the fight for control, the obsession of the mind for alcohol goes away... ONLY by taking the steps could that happen. Putting it down and vowing never to do it again, does not work. Solemn promises do not work. NOTHING works until one admits complete defeat to their innermost self... and if he does admit that, then he WILL do what he needs to get well, and that will be working the 12 step spiritual program of NA. (For me, AA - as I am an alcoholic)
> 
> My kids suffered the chaos of alcoholism by living with us and watching us spiral out of control and they became less and less important in the whole scheme of things.
> 
> YOU AND YOUR KIDS DESERVE to be happy!!! Please stand your ground and get the heck out of dodge. The more consequences he suffers, the more likely he will begin to see the truth about himself!!
> 
> God Bless!


Laureen - It's great that you found recovery from your addiction. But I wanted to point out, from a personal standpoint, pot and alcohol are two very different beasts. I'm a recovering alcoholic, I was living a nightmare when I drank, and so was everyone around me. Pot does not compare to the effects of full blown alcoholic. It can be devastating to family and friends if the pot smoker's life revolves around getting higher than a kite, just like a drinker who's life revolves around drinking. But there are varying degree's to a pot smoker's life as well - It can be done responsible and it should not always be classified as an addiction simply because someone smokes it. For example - not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.... There are people who can have a few drinks and be done with it for a few days.

That said, the OP needs to figure out how she wants to handle the fact that her H is completely disregarding her feelings on this.

MrsQualls - I found out my H started smoking pot when we reconciled several years ago. It took some time to work through what we were going to do with this issue because I'll be honest - I started researching marijuana and the medical benefits of it... I would suggest finding out why he feels the need to smoke it first before you make any demands. Is your H ADHD? Does he have insomia, does he have migraines, does he have back pain.... The list goes on for medical uses of MJ.


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## Laureen

Cherry said:


> Laureen - It's great that you found recovery from your addiction. But I wanted to point out, from a personal standpoint, pot and alcohol are two very different beasts. I'm a recovering alcoholic, I was living a nightmare when I drank, and so was everyone around me. Pot does not compare to the effects of full blown alcoholic. It can be devastating to family and friends if the pot smoker's life revolves around getting higher than a kite, just like a drinker who's life revolves around drinking. But there are varying degree's to a pot smoker's life as well - It can be done responsible and it should not always be classified as an addiction simply because someone smokes it. For example - not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.... There are people who can have a few drinks and be done with it for a few days.
> 
> That said, the OP needs to figure out how she wants to handle the fact that her H is completely disregarding her feelings on this.
> 
> MrsQualls - I found out my H started smoking pot when we reconciled several years ago. It took some time to work through what we were going to do with this issue because I'll be honest - I started researching marijuana and the medical benefits of it... I would suggest finding out why he feels the need to smoke it first before you make any demands. Is your H ADHD? Does he have insomia, does he have migraines, does he have back pain.... The list goes on for medical uses of MJ.



My brother is a 47 year old pot head who lives in my parents basement and has not held a steady job since he got out of high school. His wife divorced him 25 years ago when their child was 3 or 4. His daughter has only had nothing but broken promises and heart ache from him. POT is more important and he, my brother, is a prime example of where POT can take a person. 

I absolutely agree that in MOST cases it is not like that with a pot smoker but indeed, the OP is dealing with someone who disregards her feelings about the issue. And I am very surprised that an AA would make pot a smaller issue than alcohol. ANY mood altering substance IS an addictive substance IF taken by a person who has 'ISMS'... Once the ease and comfort sets in, the user will continue to chase that feeling no matter what the consequence. Yes, even pot. It is what is going on in the mind and what is lacking in the spiritual life that causes the need to medicate with mood altering substance. It is not how much, how often or for how long one uses/smokes/drinks/snorts/etc... it is simply this... Does the user place the SUBSTANCE over and above their RELATIONSHIPS? I learned this in my basic txt of the BB of AA and through taking the steps. I firmly believe it... 

And Migrains and sleep problems do not require pot either. As far as MEDICINAL use for actual problems that only pot helps? If he was using the pot for that purpose, Then the OP would have known that before marrying - for, if she knew, she would not have made it a 'deal breaker'. I am saddened that an AA would offer the OP avenues to escape the truth. Or... are you not an AA? Are a meeting maker or a step taker? Are you someone who 'quit for good' and has not gone to where the solution can be learned and practiced? I only ask because I have had both experiences. Dry for 3 years as a 'recovering' alcoholic. Life was better during that time but I got drunk eventually. When I came into AA I heard people talk about being recoverEd and I did not believe it would happen. I AM recoverED. I AM still an alcoholic, yes. Before arguing the word, understand what recoverED means. The first 100 (whose experience the BB was written in) were recoverED from a 'Hopeless state of mind and body'... What that means is that I now, having taken the steps, have become God conscious. I have straightened out mentally and spiritually. Hence, I have the tools (steps) to apply to ALL OF MY AFFAIRS, which keeps me spiritually fit and that keeps me mentally fit and I NEVER have the mental OBSESSION that leads to putting a drink in my mouth and setting off the physical craving... There IS a difference. You don't sound like a BB thumper. I generally recognize my own kind of AA. If you are not one of 'us', may I suggest that you go to some healthy meetings (you will know them) and find a sponsor who talks about the BB and has taken the steps? You should be able to spot her pretty easily. She will be the one who is genuinely happy. If she has taken the steps it does not matter if she is 6 months or 15 years sober. This is where the spiritual program is learned and this is HOW we become happy, joyous and free!! 

God Bless


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## Cherry

Laureen said:


> My brother is a 47 year old pot head who lives in my parents basement and has not held a steady job since he got out of high school. His wife divorced him 25 years ago when their child was 3 or 4. His daughter has only had nothing but broken promises and heart ache because for him, POT is more important and he, my brother is a prime example of where POT can take a person.
> 
> I absolutely agree that in MOST cases it is not like that with a pot smoker but indeed, the OP is dealing with someone who disregards her feelings about the issue. And I am very surprised that an AA would make pot a smaller issue than alcohol. ANY mood altering substance IS an addictive substance if taken by a person who has 'ISMS'... Once the ease and comfort sets in, the user will continue to chase that feeling no matter what the consequence. Yes, even pot. It is what is going on in the mind and what is lacking in the spiritual life that causes the need to medicate with mood altering substance. It is not how much, how often or for how long one uses/smokes/drinks/snorts/etc... it is simply this... Does the user place the SUBSTANCE over and above their RELATIONSHIPS? I learned this in my basic txt of the BB of AA and through taking the steps. I firmly believe it...
> 
> And Migrains and sleep problems do not require pot either. As far as MEDICINAL use? If he was using the pot for that purpose, I am sure the OP would have known that before marrying - as if she knew, she would not have made it a 'deal breaker'. I am not sure why you quoted Mrs. Qualls but if it was in AGREEMENT then I must say I am saddened that You would offer the OP avenues to escape the truth. I don't know what book you read from but you should try the basic text. If I have misunderstood you, I am dreadfully sorry to offend.


I would need to know more of the OP's story to determine if her H is an addict, we're getting half. In my situation, I use to complain about my H's crack use way back when, meanwhile I was getting sh!tfaced every night 

I think your advice is far too harsh given the information we have about the situation. And I'm giving the OP more to think about if there is more to this story. 

You have straight out the gate called her H an addict. My H took one look at me one night while some people were over and a pipe was being passed around (I was fine with others smoking it around us anyway) and he strugged his shoulders and hit it. I was livid. But I did some digging and researching on my own and determined what I wanted to do with this new found information.

My H does not sit around getting high all day... He is THE hardest worker I know besides my father...He doesn't live in his mother's basement, or sponge off others, he doesn't play video games except maybe with me once or twice a week, he!! our TV is seldom on anymore... we're too busy playing with our toddler twins when we are home from working our full time jobs. 

I think there is a strong stigma attached to people who even casually use pot...

And one, I am not at all offended by your thoughts  I certainly respect your thinking and feelings about this. And two, I never said I believed the entire principle of AA.


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## Laureen

Cherry, I did actually edit my post because I realized that you did not quote Mrs. Qualls. She is the OP!!! 

And you have answered my AA question!! 

God Bless!


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## Cherry

Laureen --- I literally get ill from smelling it! I simply don't want to drink anymore. I don't like how it made me feel anymore and I don't miss it. 

Do me favor, go check out my other posts... I don't need a lecture for staying sober and being happy... I know you're just spreading the word of AA, which is exciting for you, but don't preach to me about something I have participated in on several levels. I know what I'm doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laureen

Cherry said:


> Laureen --- I literally get ill from smelling it! I simply don't want to drink anymore. I don't like how it made me feel anymore and I don't miss it.
> 
> Do me favor, go check out my other posts... I don't need a lecture for staying sober and being happy... I know you're just spreading the word of AA, which is exciting for you, but don't preach to me about something I have participated in on several levels. I know what I'm doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I WAS not lecturing you!! When I saw your reply, I said NOTHING accept, oh you answered my AA question. I know that people who don't work the solution, don't want to hear about it. I was one!!! (Till I got drunk for 4 years when I unexpectedly said yes to a drink). I know it WON'T bring you in if you are not interested in it. I had already (when I corrected the post) SUGGESTED meetings and a sponsor. I saw your answer and said NOTHING more. Your hurt reaction speaks volumes... 

Cherry, I am not a lecturer. I only suggest things and if someone is not interested, I don't mention it again. Even to the women I sponsor. Eventually, a month or a year down the road, alcohol makes them ready to do the suggestions. And it is all in ones own time... I am sorry that you got hurt by my suggestion. YOUR journey is YOUR journey. I already walked that path and I simply offer my own personal experience. My journey is the one I chose to take after hearing the suggestions and learning that my way did not work. I am powerless over alcohol. I simply wish you peace of mind and joy of spirit. (It is magnificent)!!


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## Cherry

Laureen said:


> I WAS not lecturing you!! When I saw your reply, I said NOTHING accept, oh you answered my AA question. I know that people who don't work the solution, don't want to hear about it. I was one!!! (Till I got drunk for 4 years when I unexpectedly said yes to a drink). I know it WON'T bring you in if you are not interested in it. I had already (when I corrected the post) SUGGESTED meetings and a sponsor. I saw your answer and said NOTHING more. Your hurt reaction speaks volumes...
> 
> Cherry, I am not a lecturer. I only suggest things and if someone is not interested, I don't mention it again. Even to the women I sponsor. Eventually, a month or a year down the road, alcohol makes them ready to do the suggestions. And it is all in ones own time... I am sorry that you got hurt by my suggestion. YOUR journey is YOUR journey. I already walked that path and I simply offer my own personal experience. My journey is the one I chose to take after hearing the suggestions and learning that my way did not work. I am powerless over alcohol. I simply wish you peace of mind and joy of spirit. (It is magnificent)!!


I am not hurt  I just found out the reason I drink -- took care of the reason and reasons I drank and I don't drink anymore  I've also developed healthy tools to deal with stressful situations that may pop up along my journey in life. My H and I have lived the AA life for many years, we've both been to inpatient treatment in an AA based center, more than once -- It is not for us sweetheart, nor will we go back. 

I really don't care how someone finds sobriety -- whatever works for an individual as long as it is healthy.

My main point in this thread is that you preached the AA lifestyle for this woman's husband. And I don't feel he necessarily needs any kind of treatment per say based on what she described. To me, it appears the biggest problem is their communication, not that he is an addict of pot. It also appears they have other problems that are not addressed in this thread.

P.S.... Here's your "lecture" to me, read it again and tell me what you call it...:

"Or... are you not an AA? Are a meeting maker or a step taker? Are you someone who 'quit for good' and has not gone to where the solution can be learned and practiced? I only ask because I have had both experiences. Dry for 3 years as a 'recovering' alcoholic. Life was better during that time but I got drunk eventually. When I came into AA I heard people talk about being recoverEd and I did not believe it would happen. I AM recoverED. I AM still an alcoholic, yes. Before arguing the word, understand what recoverED means. The first 100 (whose experience the BB was written in) were recoverED from a 'Hopeless state of mind and body'... What that means is that I now, having taken the steps, have become God conscious. I have straightened out mentally and spiritually. Hence, I have the tools (steps) to apply to ALL OF MY AFFAIRS, which keeps me spiritually fit and that keeps me mentally fit and I NEVER have the mental OBSESSION that leads to putting a drink in my mouth and setting off the physical craving... There IS a difference. You don't sound like a BB thumper. I generally recognize my own kind of AA. If you are not one of 'us', may I suggest that you go to some healthy meetings (you will know them) and find a sponsor who talks about the BB and has taken the steps? You should be able to spot her pretty easily. She will be the one who is genuinely happy. If she has taken the steps it does not matter if she is 6 months or 15 years sober. This is where the spiritual program is learned and this is HOW we become happy, joyous and free!! "


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## Laureen

Cherry said:


> I really don't care how someone finds sobriety -- whatever works for an individual as long as it is healthy.
> 
> My main point in this thread is that you preached the AA lifestyle for this woman's husband. And I don't feel he necessarily needs any kind of treatment per say based on what she described. To me, it appears the biggest problem is their communication, not that he is an addict of pot. It also appears they have other problems that are not addressed in this thread.
> 
> P.S.... Here's your "lecture" to me, read it again and tell me what you call it...:
> 
> "Or... are you not an AA? Are a meeting maker or a step taker? Are you someone who 'quit for good' and has not gone to where the solution can be learned and practiced? I only ask because I have had both experiences. Dry for 3 years as a 'recovering' alcoholic. Life was better during that time but I got drunk eventually. When I came into AA I heard people talk about being recoverEd and I did not believe it would happen. I AM recoverED. I AM still an alcoholic, yes. Before arguing the word, understand what recoverED means. The first 100 (whose experience the BB was written in) were recoverED from a 'Hopeless state of mind and body'... What that means is that I now, having taken the steps, have become God conscious. I have straightened out mentally and spiritually. Hence, I have the tools (steps) to apply to ALL OF MY AFFAIRS, which keeps me spiritually fit and that keeps me mentally fit and I NEVER have the mental OBSESSION that leads to putting a drink in my mouth and setting off the physical craving... There IS a difference. You don't sound like a BB thumper. I generally recognize my own kind of AA. If you are not one of 'us', may I suggest that you go to some healthy meetings (you will know them) and find a sponsor who talks about the BB and has taken the steps? You should be able to spot her pretty easily. She will be the one who is genuinely happy. If she has taken the steps it does not matter if she is 6 months or 15 years sober. This is where the spiritual program is learned and this is HOW we become happy, joyous and free!! "


No, not a lecture! It was a couple of questions about your experience with AA so that I could get a better understanding for future conversations. And then I explained the OTHER reason I asked you... I having NO IDEA if you are in AA or not, shared my experience, strength and hope in case you are one of the many, many people who are clueless about AA. You apparently are NOT. You have already formed your own opinions and it is none of my business. 

I share my ES&H as it is MY personal experience in case someone does not know or in case anything I say might cause someone to want to investigate it further. Sometimes, it takes hearing a specific share and something clicks. Some people are just plain anti AA through their own experience or a lack of knowledge. I suspect you are aware that it is not a program to stop drinking. I suspect you are aware that the purpose of the steps is to affect a spiritual awakening. Many people are not interested in talking about God or living a life based on spiritual principals. NO PROBLEM!! But not everyone does know that and might actually become interested. So, I have no idea who might or might not get something from my sharing. You just never know who might benefit. In fact, I actually have a sponsee who was several years dry, coming to speaker meetings and having coffee with female AAs. Her life, she believed was a good one - since she put the drink down and many problems got better. But speaker meetings kept calling to her and one night she heard my story and asked me to sponsor her through the steps and today (6 months later) she is a whole new, bright and shiny example of AA - the real deal AA - not the stuff passed off as AA in 90% of the rooms. 

I fully understand that you are not interested, based on your own experience. Which is WHY I said no more after my reply where I said, "You already answered my question." 

A lecture would have been to continue on points as to how I know better than you about YOUR life and why you must come to AA. I did NOT do that because I agree, it is not for everyone. And I did not know your experience when I shared. Which is WHY I SHARE MY EXPERIENCE... Now that I am slightly aware of your experience and you are more aware of my intention (which is NOT to en-wrap you in this 'cult' - LOL) read on with the understanding that I am simply sharing PERSONAL experience, NOT lecturing. You will see that not only is my personal experience likely different from yours, our understandings are different simply because of experience. That is WHY I share it, not to lecture - for I do not believe your recovery is any less significant. SO, I will share more so you see where I come from. You can get to know me better this way. 

Cherry, as I stated, I do NOT believe that your recovery is any less valuable than mine. I believe that the only difference is that we see different reason why we drank. I, an alcoholic of the hopeless variety, drank because I HAD to. Long, long ago I did it for certain reasons; because I was stressed out or lonely or angry or hurting... Later it was because I had a long day at work or my kid got into the honors program or because I was raking leaves. Then I quit and did not drink for 3 years. And it was easy!! I hardly, if ever thought about drinking. I had knowledge about why I drank and I was doing fine. Life was good and I was a happy person. My kids were happy and my marriage was better. Then it happened, out of the blue when none of those 'triggers' were present to keep me on my toes. I was not thinking about drinking at all that day or at that moment. When I picked up, it was a whole new ball game. I drank because we were on vacation and I was offered one. I simply responded "Yes" with not a thought of the consequences. (In fact, why would I think of them, after all if I was an alcoholic then NOT drinking would be difficult, right? My 'triggers' are not around, therefore I can drink normally - not that I actually THOUGHT these things but certainly that is the conversation that went on without my knowledge in my brain) Then I drank a few because in FL it was too darn hot and humid and a couple drinks after swimming seemed like a great idea. Soon it was 3 or 4 drinks after work a couple days a week and then within a month of that first drink, I drank because it was Monday, Tuesday, etc... then it was because I was shaking and sweating at 9PM, 1AM, 5AM, 8AM, etc... Then I began to miss blocks of time and occasionally a day here or there. I began to find myself sitting in my car at the liquor store with an open bottle, wondering "How the hell did I get here?" And then I began appearing at institutions. I drank because I HAD to. It was the only way I could function and yet I could not function. I drank because my body demanded it and mind obsessed about it. 

I (ME, MYSELF and I - NOT YOU) NEEDED this 12 step spiritual program to teach me how to practice a new and satisfying way of life. Had I KNOWN what AA really offered me the FIRST time I came into the rooms in 2002, I may have done more than have coffee with other sick people who were not working the steps from the BB. MAYBE but probably not because I did not KNOW what was in my future. How could I have known? That is the story I tell today from the podium, of course with much more about my life today and how it is to be an active member of my HG. I have 2 service positions and I sponsor women. I have held a BB work shop and I will be doing it again soon. I speak frequently in many places and I bring meetings into institutions. I also have a full life at home with my family and I could NOT BE HAPPIER. But I DO understand why some people cannot or will not do this. It is a busy and time consuming life, if done all the way. For ME, there is no other way because I have had the experience of being ill with Pneumonia and had not been to a meeting in a week and half, had not met up with any sponsees, had not spoken to other AAs because I was too sick and sleeping much. Then just as I began to feel better, I had to fly home to Moms because a family member was ill. Another week without a meeting or my hard core AAs or sponsees. I soon stopped praying and I soon began to live in self will again. When I got back home, I was defiant and did not WANT to go to a meeting. I was irritable and sensitive. And then I had an epiphany. I was spiritually disturbed. I PERSONALLY cannot live like that now that I have the experience of living with the principals of AA. Living and practicing this way of life gives me absolute peace even in the midst of chaos... I have troubles, of course but I am not walking around making everyone else suffer with my attitude because life gets lifey. Phew!! Those couple of weeks without my people were more painful to me than anything I can compare it to. So, it is for ME, the only way I can do this. 

You and you alone know what YOU need to do.


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## Cherry

I actually enjoyed my experiences in AA and the related treatment programs. It did help me tremendously, both in my H's recovery and my own. And you are absolutely right, AA is not just about not drinking  That's what I love about it! In fact, I've always believed from the first few meetings that everyone at some point in their lives should work the steps... They are powerful and can be life changing, not just for putting down the bottle either. 

Will I personally ever return to an AA meeting room? I won't say never, I do not know what the future truly holds for me. Will my H return to crack? Will I return to alcohol? I don't know the answers to this and I won't say it won't happen. I do know I am working on my inner self and have been and I truly feel at peace in life, the life I currently live. 

You and I drank for the same reasons... To drown the pain, anger, frustrations and then also to celebrate the accomplishments, the happy moments, and sometimes just because we could drink. I am happy you have found a program that works for you and I don't doubt for a minute that AA is an excellent program, I was there too! 

You know, there was a week a few weeks ago where everything I did made me want to drink. I noticed every damn liquor store along the way home, I noticed every convenience store, I white knuckled my way home that week and each time I ventured out of the house was a challenge. That week is over and so is my desire to drink. I knew if I just held out and didn't compound my stressful week with the fact that I ran out and got drunk... I would be okay eventually. And I was okay and I am okay still. 

I did a lot of self reflecting that week, I did a lot of reminiscing of what has happened the last few years and even the last 20 years of my life and I spent a lot of time being close to my H and my babies. I talked a lot - lol - that happens, right?

The desire has passed from that week, but I know it will be lifetime struggle and your story about relapsing after 3 years -- I can see it happening and I will think back to what you shared and take it to heart. 

Thank you for sharing your experiences and I certainly wish you the best in life


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## Laureen

Thank you Cherry. I wish the best for you as well. I know the struggle you had, white knuckling that week! OMG. When I first came in I white knuckled for a while. Phew! That is hard. 

I hope that you don't have to experience it again!


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## Kurosity

Well I read through the post and stop when someone said that the affects of pot on the addict and family are vastly different and less seriouse then thoes that drink because that is a horrible way to think for one effected by addiction.

I have a mind to start shouting because that is a blanket statement that completly leaves out the fact that there are plenty of people who have ruin their lives and thoes around them while on pot just as much so as thoes that drink (or any other device one uses to escape life). 
Sure there are many people who can use pot and function just fine like thoes that can drink once in a while. But in both cases there are people who can not even do it once with out risking running them selves and their lives into the ground.
Pot is a mental addiction and for a lot of people with a mental illness it is unwise to use the drug (personal knowledge of the fact). 
But for an addict to belittle the addiction of another is just amazingly narrow minded to me. I would say pot is like drink there are thoes that can use them and not become addicted as well as thoes that will become addicted.
Sorry I could not read such a blanket statement and leave it alone.


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## Cherry

I said that in response to laureen calling the OP's H an addict based on the OPs problem related to her H's use of pot... The OP is not complaining about addict behavior, she told us she's mad because he is smoking it period... Perhaps you should've continued reading the rest of the thread 

I do think one can be addicted to pot and it can be just as devastating as any other addiction... I am sorry if I worded it awkwardly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Laureen

Cherry, I am so sorry but I JUST COULD NOT leave this alone. The ONE thing that the OP said that is absolutely indicative of addict behavior is that it was a deal breaker and he does it anyways...

What do addicts do? They place the substance ahead of relationship. They have NO REGARD for how another feels about it because the SUBSTANCE is the most important thing. 

It IS the behavior of an addicted person. And I say again, for someone to offer the OP avenues to escape that truth??? WOW!

If he was a casual user he would not care if he had to give it up because it was a deal breaker. He is more than a casual user otherwise it would not even be an issue.


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## EleGirl

MrsQualls said:


> He didn't exactly say he didn't care about my feelings, but that is the way I took it when he smoked in front of me knowing how I feel about it, and knowing what I said to him about it before. He hasn't smoked around my children, but I don't ever want that to become an issue. Speaking of issues, we both have a lot of them, but this is my biggest one at the moment.


Actions speak louder than words. His actions tell you that he does not care about your feelings/beliefs about smoking pot. If he is smoking pot around you, you are also breathing in the smoke. So you are smoking it as well.

It's only time before your children become aware that he is smoking dope. And if you put up with him doing it, you will never be able to tell your children that they cannot/should not do it.

This sounds like a big enough issue to being a marriage to an end. You gave him an ultimatum. He has challanged it. If you do not leave him over this he will never take anything you say seriously.


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## Cherry

Laureen said:


> Cherry, I am so sorry but I JUST COULD NOT leave this alone. The ONE thing that the OP said that is absolutely indicative of addict behavior is that it was a deal breaker and he does it anyways...
> 
> What do addicts do? They place the substance ahead of relationship. They have NO REGARD for how another feels about it because the SUBSTANCE is the most important thing.
> 
> It IS the behavior of an addicted person. And I say again, for someone to offer the OP avenues to escape that truth??? WOW!
> 
> If he was a casual user he would not care if he had to give it up because it was a deal breaker. He is more than a casual user otherwise it would not even be an issue.


One thing I am thinking when I read this thread ----- The OP and her H have only known each other 5 months and the OP admits that there are other problems. The OP has also stated that he didn't come right out and say "I don't care what you say about smoking weed"... It was a round about way he did it.... We do not know how the event happened. And that is why I shared my own story about how my H started smoking pot at our house.... I WAS TOTALLY AGAINST POT MY ENTIRE LIFE so this story hits home a bit as I am not against pot after researching it more about it! 

Personally, I would like to find out more from the OP about how this came to light... But she has not been back to this thread yet and you and I can debate the definition of an addict until we are blue in the face... But MrsQualls story has some missing pockets in it to truly determine if her H of 3 months, someone she has known for 5 months, is in fact an addict, or if they've had other problems on both sides and he just said "fvck it" and started smoking pot like perhaps he's done for many years, she is just unaware of it.

And FYI.... I married my H in 47 days of meeting him. Our marriage went to sh!t approximately 3 months later, imagine that? So many things I did not know about my H that trickled in during the first year together (or apart, he was in jail for 7 months during the first year of our marriage because of crack and felony probation violations). I chose to take the time to LEARN more about my H, rather than just RUN RUN RUN as fast as I can as I was told by MANY MANY people to do...

And you know what I have found out in my 5 year journey with my H? That I myself am not perfect and I also have/had many issues, hence marrying someone so quickly after meeting them. If the OP had a normal marriage story, one where she dated her H for well over a year and then married him and then he started smoking pot, I would give the same advice as you. But this OP's story is not typical of the traditional marriage.


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## Laureen

Cherry said:


> One thing I am thinking when I read this thread ----- The OP and her H have only known each other 5 months and the OP admits that there are other problems. The OP has also stated that he didn't come right out and say "I don't care what you say about smoking weed"... It was a round about way he did it.... We do not know how the event happened. And that is why I shared my own story about how my H started smoking pot at our house.... I WAS TOTALLY AGAINST POT MY ENTIRE LIFE so this story hits home a bit as I am not against pot after researching it more about it!
> 
> Personally, I would like to find out more from the OP about how this came to light... But she has not been back to this thread yet and you and I can debate the definition of an addict until we are blue in the face... But MrsQualls story has some missing pockets in it to truly determine if her H of 3 months, someone she has known for 5 months, is in fact an addict, or if they've had other problems on both sides and he just said "fvck it" and started smoking pot like perhaps he's done for many years, she is just unaware of it.
> 
> And FYI.... I married my H in 47 days of meeting him. Our marriage went to sh!t approximately 3 months later, imagine that? So many things I did not know about my H that trickled in during the first year together (or apart, he was in jail for 7 months during the first year of our marriage because of crack and felony probation violations). I chose to take the time to LEARN more about my H, rather than just RUN RUN RUN as fast as I can as I was told by MANY MANY people to do...
> 
> And you know what I have found out in my 5 year journey with my H? That I myself am not perfect and I also have/had many issues, hence marrying someone so quickly after meeting them. If the OP had a normal marriage story, one where she dated her H for well over a year and then married him and then he started smoking pot, I would give the same advice as you. But this OP's story is not typical of the traditional marriage.



Indeed Cherry, I must agree that there are are probably pockets missing and so you have a point that it could simply be a case of the F&^% ITS....

You married in 47 days? It went to S&^T in 3 months?? Imagine that? LOL... And you stayed anyways to learn more about your H and you discovered your own issues too! Fabulous! Indeed, to marry so quickly you must have issues! I do too, to have married the man I married when our relationship was in the state it was in before marrying him! LOL.

Today, I would not stay if I recently married someone and discovered ANY use of ANY substance. In fact I would not stay if I saw someones A%^ very early on. I would not waste years again and once one starts wasting days, it turns into weeks and into years. But that is ME. I will likely end up divorced in the future. I am now giving my husband time to work HIS steps. I see some improvement but mostly he controls himself... his behavior is kept in check with some difficulty at times. His character is not changing because he is still not doing the work. That is between him and his sponsor and God. The clock is ticking. And if I do end it, I will NEVER, NEVER, NO!! NOT EVER get into a relationship with someone who is NOT a BB thumper. I don't mean an AA member. I want a BB step doer. 

And if that person ever showed me his a&^ so early in a relationship, I would LEAVE. I will not waste time again. 

But that is ME!! I have done so much work on me and I am very happy. My happiness does not depend on my husband but I am very aware that life is calmer when NOT interrupted by others' chaos. I don't need to stay in it to see if I can learn more about the other and 13 more years pass and I realize there is no point in starting over. No way!!

You are funny. 47 days!! OMG! But hey, I married a man who had already hit me, told his kids I hate them, told me I am a waste of DNA!! Hmmm.... Yes I was dealing with lotsa issues back then!! LMAO


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## Cherry

Laureen said:


> Indeed Cherry, I must agree that there are are probably pockets missing and so you have a point that it could simply be a case of the F&^% ITS....
> 
> You married in 47 days? It went to S&^T in 3 months?? Imagine that? LOL... And you stayed anyways to learn more about your H and you discovered your own issues too! Fabulous! Indeed, to marry so quickly you must have issues! I do too, to have married the man I married when our relationship was in the state it was in before marrying him! LOL.
> 
> Today, I would not stay if I recently married someone and discovered ANY use of ANY substance. In fact I would not stay if I saw someones A%^ very early on. I would not waste years again and once one starts wasting days, it turns into weeks and into years. But that is ME. I will likely end up divorced in the future. I am now giving my husband time to work HIS steps. I see some improvement but mostly he controls himself... his behavior is kept in check with some difficulty at times. His character is not changing because he is still not doing the work. That is between him and his sponsor and God. The clock is ticking. And if I do end it, I will NEVER, NEVER, NO!! NOT EVER get into a relationship with someone who is NOT a BB thumper. I don't mean an AA member. I want a BB step doer.
> 
> And if that person ever showed me his a&^ so early in a relationship, I would LEAVE. I will not waste time again.
> 
> But that is ME!! I have done so much work on me and I am very happy. My happiness does not depend on my husband but I am very aware that life is calmer when NOT interrupted by others' chaos. I don't need to stay in it to see if I can learn more about the other and 13 more years pass and I realize there is no point in starting over. No way!!
> 
> You are funny. 47 days!! OMG! But hey, I married a man who had already hit me, told his kids I hate them, told me I am a waste of DNA!! Hmmm.... Yes I was dealing with lotsa issues back then!! LMAO


We do strange things when we are at a personal low in life 

And that's not even the half of it with my H. He didn't even live in the same state as me when we met AND married AND come to find out he was actually shacked up with a long term GF back in his state... Yeah, we have an interesting story to tell our twins when they are old enough 

I wish you and your H the best Laureen and best wishes with your continued recovery, thank you for sharing.


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## familyguy35

Laureen said:


> My brother is a 47 year old pot head who lives in my parents basement and has not held a steady job since he got out of high school. His wife divorced him 25 years ago when their child was 3 or 4. His daughter has only had nothing but broken promises and heart ache from him. POT is more important and he, my brother, is a prime example of where POT can take a person.
> 
> I absolutely agree that in MOST cases it is not like that with a pot smoker but indeed, the OP is dealing with someone who disregards her feelings about the issue. And I am very surprised that an AA would make pot a smaller issue than alcohol. ANY mood altering substance IS an addictive substance IF taken by a person who has 'ISMS'... Once the ease and comfort sets in, the user will continue to chase that feeling no matter what the consequence. Yes, even pot. It is what is going on in the mind and what is lacking in the spiritual life that causes the need to medicate with mood altering substance. It is not how much, how often or for how long one uses/smokes/drinks/snorts/etc... it is simply this... Does the user place the SUBSTANCE over and above their RELATIONSHIPS? I learned this in my basic txt of the BB of AA and through taking the steps. I firmly believe it...
> 
> And Migrains and sleep problems do not require pot either. As far as MEDICINAL use for actual problems that only pot helps? If he was using the pot for that purpose, Then the OP would have known that before marrying - for, if she knew, she would not have made it a 'deal breaker'. I am saddened that an AA would offer the OP avenues to escape the truth. Or... are you not an AA? Are a meeting maker or a step taker? Are you someone who 'quit for good' and has not gone to where the solution can be learned and practiced? I only ask because I have had both experiences. Dry for 3 years as a 'recovering' alcoholic. Life was better during that time but I got drunk eventually. When I came into AA I heard people talk about being recoverEd and I did not believe it would happen. I AM recoverED. I AM still an alcoholic, yes. Before arguing the word, understand what recoverED means. The first 100 (whose experience the BB was written in) were recoverED from a 'Hopeless state of mind and body'... What that means is that I now, having taken the steps, have become God conscious. I have straightened out mentally and spiritually. Hence, I have the tools (steps) to apply to ALL OF MY AFFAIRS, which keeps me spiritually fit and that keeps me mentally fit and I NEVER have the mental OBSESSION that leads to putting a drink in my mouth and setting off the physical craving... There IS a difference. You don't sound like a BB thumper. I generally recognize my own kind of AA. If you are not one of 'us', may I suggest that you go to some healthy meetings (you will know them) and find a sponsor who talks about the BB and has taken the steps? You should be able to spot her pretty easily. She will be the one who is genuinely happy. If she has taken the steps it does not matter if she is 6 months or 15 years sober. This is where the spiritual program is learned and this is HOW we become happy, joyous and free!!
> 
> God Bless


 Hello, I don't know if your still having this problem or not. But I saw it and I thought that I'd like to say a few words. If that's okay.

Well to start I'd like to say that I myself am a recovering Adict. But when I got with my wife, I didnt have this problem. It happened after a injury at work. an just bein on meds got me to the point of almost loosing my wife. So I'd like to share a bit with ya. maybe this can help. IDK. but maybe. 

Well. first off I have 2 kids, an there not my wifes. But she took on the role of bein mommy when we married. So about 3 years into marriage I was injured. an my docs. had me on pain meds. for like 3 years. an when I tried to come off them I was very very sick. So instead of stopping. I started buyin off the street. and it got bad. I couldnt stop I was takin an takeing. Until one night. I ended up takin to much, and I went off on my wife, and my kids. and It was so bad. that My wife took the kids an hid with them. The next day: They all told me of what I did. of course I have no idea what they were talkin about. I was too high. But I felt so bad and there was no way to take it back. but my wife told me, If u don't stop this. I'm leaving. and I knew she meant it. It took me a lil while to figure out how to deal with life with out meds. But finally I broke down and searched threw the internet to find ways to get help. I finally found it. But it took me almost hurting my family before I stopped my addiction.. I have been clean an sober for 1 year now. and I pray that I never hurt my wife, kids that way again. I just wanted to share this with ya. because if u don't do something about ur hubby's problem now. Then one day down the road. You or maybe ur kids, may be hurt or worse.. Doesnt matter if its weed or pills or alchol.. Some where down the road something bad will happen. and in ur mind you will always know that u knew what was goin on, and u didnt do anything to stop it. I don't suggest u leave. I just suggest. when he is sober, and not smoking. An with the kids out of the house. Sit him down. an tell him. U don't like what he's doin. u wont stand for it. try to be a lil calm. dont yell. he will say he is in control an that something like that will never happen. (( im sure he will say that. )) I did.. (( an it happened to me))).. So tell me there are people an place's out there that can help him stop. all he has to do is look.. If he says: He will not stop no matter what.. They honey I suggest U take ur kids, get ur things. and leave. If he really loves you, and wants to be with you. He will change. If he doesnt. then he dont. If u cant handle ur man on weed. an u want him to stop. then thats what has to be done. He wont stop til he wants too. and if he loves u, then he will see ur not coming back til he changes. an if he loves u he will. if he doesnt he wont. sorry to say. but thats how it is. Im speaking from the way it happened for me. I loved my family more than I did the high. It did take me a while to see that. But I hit bottom before I did. But Im happy to say my family an I are happy, an drug free.


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## rider

WOW, holy of topic read batman. Mrs, what is new? Any progress?


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