# Does anyone's LD spouse actually 'do' other stuff?



## Parj (Jan 18, 2015)

Didn't know how else to title this one!! It's an essay....sorry!!

I read a lot of suggestions that if one spouse is LD or can't have actual intercourse, that they engage in other intimate activities. I'm wondering whether anyone's LD partner actually DOES this?

My DH and I have had a great to pretty good sex life for most of our relationship. We've been together 8 years, and 7.5 years of that made both of us happy in the bedroom arena.

7 months ago he experienced a massive escalation in his drinking and it landed him in rehab. For the 2 months prior to rehab we were not living together as I couldn't tolerate his behaviour. He also has a complex mental health diagnosis to complicate things.

He's now sober, and doing reasonably well. He moved back in from rehab, we've been having MC.

He's on some meds which have taken away his sex drive completely. He also hasn't had an erection since starting these meds. He's addressed the issue with his psych but they are not prepared to play with his meds this early on. The plan is to wean him off in the next few months.

But he admits it's not just physical. He said he has issues with 'intimacy', and so some of the lack of desire is psychological. He feels horrible about himself, and his self esteem is very low at the moment.

In MC he also revealed he had a one night stand 3 years ago, and feels deep shame about this.

So we haven't had sex since he moved back in - 3 months now. I'd like to try to get us back on track.

Our MC has got us trying to be more affectionate without expectation of sex....I've been trying that...he doesn't reject....but he doesn't initiate. 

His psych says sex doesn't have to involve inter course and there is a lot of other things we can do....

But he doesn't feel sexual so that is completely off the menu.

His psych will refer us for sex therapy if this keeps going. Dh says he'll go...I'm not 100% sure he will.

Does anyone's LD partner actually DO this other intimate stuff?? I just can't see how that would happen without having some sort of desire to start with!!

I miss being close with him. I miss sex. And doing it alone isn't what I'm looking for!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mine doesn't do much of anything intimacy related, housework related, cooking related, or relationship related. 99% of her time and energy are devoted to herself.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

My H has no drive whatsoever and I can't imagine he would be very pleased if I asked him to "hold me" while I take care of it myself. We've been married two years and the sex stopped on our wedding day, apart from the odd occasion when I've had to beg him for it. I've given up begging so we haven't had sex for 5 months. I've taken to staying up later than him as it feels quite inappropriate to be sat in bed reading with a man who I have more of a brother/sister relationship with, I find it much easier to creep in quietly when he's already asleep. However, this makes him quite cross and he will often stomp out of the bedroom asking me if I know how late it is. I don't know why he wants me there in bed with him when he has no interest whatsoever.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Alcoholism can cause real problems...I mean big time. When people are drinking they live their life in a haze, detached from it....everyone else has problems not them.

When these people go into rehab and slowly learn the damage their alcoholism has caused to those nearest and dearest to them they start to feel very guilty. Some decide they are going to make good the damage they have caused and set about repairing the damage, some either won't accept the damage they caused or are too ashamed to face up to it and deal with it.

I know its YOU who wants the intimacy Parj, but you also have to be very supportive of your husband...make sure he knows you love him and will wait for 'him' to return.

However, you have to accept that he may not come 'back'. In which case YOU have to decide whether you want to live in a sexless marriage or move on. YOU have a life too.

My wife was LD and is now ND. Has absolutely no interest in sex and no interest in whether I am interested or want it etc or not. Its just not on her radar.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Parj said:


> ...My DH and I have had a great to pretty good sex life for most of our relationship. We've been together 8 years, and 7.5 years of that made both of us happy in the bedroom arena.
> 
> ...For the 2 months prior to rehab we were not living together as I couldn't tolerate his behaviour. He also has a complex mental health diagnosis to complicate things.
> 
> ...


My heart goes out to you, that is a lot on your plate.

My, suggestion is for you to find an Alano club for your support. i would also suggest reading the standard relationship books, Chapman's 5 languages oflove, and maybe MW Davis Sex Starved Marriage. I would also suggest Still Sexy after All these Years, which is interviews of older women and how in the face of incredible difficulty they retain a sense of sensuality and sexuality. 

I am a very strong advocate for Sex Therapy if right. Board Certified Sex Therapists are Marriage Conselors with extra training. They can help with things like Sensate Focus exercises to get the two of your ready for sex, to helping you both deal with feelings you may have about sex or infidelity. I wouldn't put this off waiting for the med's to be adjusted. 

Good luck to you. You sound like you are a determined woman who wants to make your marriage work for you and your H.


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