# husband is wasting the family nestegg and am I stupid?



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

What do I do here? I am at my wit's end. We have been married 25 years and together 5 before that. I have been on this forum for infidelity because he had an EA 5 years ago, and then contact with her 1 year ago. 

Without going into that part again, we own a real estate (5 houses) and a rental business together that has been failing for many years. We have two children, 24 and 19 and the second is going to an expensive college costing us $38,000 a year. We own rental properties (10 units) and some have needed repair or renovation to be rented. For 4 years we only had 4 out of 10 units rented. There is always money needed to maintain the outside as they are wooden structures in the northeast. 

My husband makes very good money but travels for his work, so the properties are always left to me to watch over and I do what I can to maintain them. We had a rental management company overseeing them while I worked full time, but they did a half-A job and created more problems so now we are on our own.

Bottom line is he has been working himself into the grave to keep this business afloat, costing us $30-$50K a year on average, plus paying college tuition, and some of the household. (I made pretty good money for a while but since have been laid off) We are in our late 50's and should be living in a nice home by now, but we are not. We moved into one of our duplexes and we still need a new kitchen...getting by with a makeshift. 

Because the business has been such a drain and he has his own business he hasn't paid up on any taxes over 10 years, so now we have a huge IRS debt. Even though I have been working and paying taxes out of my pay over these years, since I signed my name jointly now the IRS is after me as well, and has attached two of my checking accounts, and garnished my wages. Funny they haven't touched him but just are going after me. Also, money has gotten to the point where he has been dipping into his nice 401K for us to live on...It is almost gone. I know this will generate penalties and more IRS debt. This is not to mention the huge debt we already have. We cannot pay our bills for these properties and are always slipping behind 1-3 months on four mortgages. We also had an oil spill in one of our houses and now because he wants to fight the insurance company for signing off on it we have a $30K fine in my name. (we own this house jointly) This one house has 3 units and they are all vacant, yet the mortgage is $2000 a month.

I have talked to him about selling one of the properties to take care of this, but he doesn't move. He keeps all of the money separate from me I think because he is afraid I will divorce him...yet he goes away to work for several weeks at a time and expects me to manage the property business and is very sparing with any funds. He expects an accounting of everything I spend any money he gives me. Yet he sent $386 to a woman overseas last year in China (the one he had an EA with 4 years earlier) and never explained why, nothing as I caught him. We almost divorced over it and I had many friends urging me to do so, as I took 1/2 of our bank account out in cash to survive and pay an attorney. I didn't go thru with it and ended up spending all of the money for us, to pay bills. 

After all I have gone thru taking care of the properties while he was away over the years while I was working full time, and him cheating on me with an EA at least more than once (who knows if it was more as he isn't honest) , not being honest recently one night he said the words "Just go off and do what you want and I will take care of the kids and me!!!" How hurtful was that? This was a month ago after we had stayed together, and I was being nice to him and just saying I was sorry he was so unhappy with his life. (and I am ALWAYS nice to him!)

Now since I stayed with him we have been getting along better but the money is now not shared at all. I am stressed and have requested we go to counseling to get this all out on the table, and he didn't respond even though he promised, and now he is going away again. I told him I would allow him full disclosure to my bank account but we should both have transparency...no response.

Today I was so upset about it there was an "episode" because I brought it up in tears asking how I was supposed to get by, and he ended up yelling at me saying I never give him an accounting (and I do) and that it NEVER ADDS UP. Such bull****! I left walking home 5 miles on Father's Day. I told him I wasn't putting up with him withholding funds from me when he went away and that it was abusive.

I wonder why I put up with this and I hope I can convince him to sell. We have been looking at large parcels of land which is HIS dream....and he is willing to sell for that.

I am not sure I am doing the right thing..I have NO MONEY now to myself, no funds at all where I did in the past and I am 59.


----------



## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

You guys have a bigger issue than money. It's trust. Sorry you are going through this.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I know this and that's why I have encouraged him into counseling. He has issues with trust to begin with as he had an alcoholic Mother and so he is passive aggressive. He is never home long enough to deal with any of it.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear this, cao. I've been there; it's not a good place to be. 

As long as you have no access to his bank accounts and he refuses to be transparent, you should definitely file separate tax returns. That's what I had to do beginning in 2007 to protect myself from the IRS. You may also want to consider bankruptcy to get a fresh start. And I wouldn't rule out a divorce as part of the fresh start either....if he doesn't agree to change his ways.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I think there needs to be effective communication. From his perspective, all he hears is complaints and problems. 

I would tell him you love him, appreciate all the work he has done, but the two of you need to work on some solutions. If 1 or 2 properties needs to be sold to try and straighten things out, then that needs to be done. In any discussion, use a compliment sandwich, before and after any suggestions or discussion. Contrariwise, if you want him to turn off, give him a long-winded discussion of what he as done wrong, tell him you want to talk about your feelings and how frustrated you are.


----------



## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

Were you more successful in your career compared to your husband?


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, from a business standpoint, I would tell you sell of the unrented units, to recoup the funds. You are throwing money down the drain. Houses tend to be a money pit, especially rentals. Because you sink money into them, and it only slowly comes back out. And it is unlikely you ever get the full return on investment from only the rent. Usually you have to wait 20+ years for that. But that can change with outside factors. 

But the point is, you guys need to sell off the houses you aren't renting. Sell them to rental companies, people that want to live in them, but you need to stop holding onto these houses. They aren't what I would consider an asset. They are a liability. They are taking money out of your pocket, and putting nothing in. 

Hopefully the sale of the unoccupied houses can shore up your guys' financial problem. 
If it can't, you may have to meet with someone that knows about how to deal with this kind of debt. 

Once you two have a more stable financial situation, I would suggest meeting with a financial planner, so you two can plan for retirement. Because it sounds like, you two don't have a lot saved up.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Blue Laser...No


----------



## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

If you have enough equity in your properties then look into the possibility of downsizing you portfolio to raise the funds to clear your debts. A rental block with only 40% occupancy is unsustainable in the long run so either get more tenants in or off load it.

As a separate issue find the time to re- connect with your husband a deal with the trust issues that have developed between you.


----------



## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Thank you Wiltshireman,

Too late now he is serving me with divorce papers...I believe he has not let go of the relationship in China.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have access to the documentation necessary to do the back taxes yourself? Or does your husband keep that secret from you? 

If you do not have the access you might be able to file as an innocent spouse.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Borrow some money from someone and hire your own attorney so you can get out of this mess without YOU owing everything.


----------

