# Lack of Sex in 34 year old Marriage



## [email protected] (May 27, 2016)

Been married as I indicated for 34 years, kids are all grown house is empty and I am sexually frustrated because I am lucky if we have sex or get intimate 1 time a month. 
Ive asked if their is a problem or something I should know because of the lack of. I even told hubby if he doesn't want sex at least express some intimacy. Not much going on in that area either. I have asked him if he is done and ready to move on obviously we have been together for a while, and that I get it, the love for me isn't there anymore and that if that is where the marriage is headed then lets discuss and move on our way. He says he is happy, but our sex life says differently. He does not meet my physical, emotional or spiritual needs, the marriage appears to be more of a friendship rather than a marriage relationship. 
I have begun to have fantasies about being with another women with this lack of sex. 
I am starting to get this "fine, whatever" attitude towards the whole situation, because I have discussed this with him and he seems to put no effort or does not realize the seriousness of our marriage relationship and easy I can act out on those fantasies.

I have been fighting this and its been going on, the lack of and the 1 time of month if im lucky type of thing.

At the end of my rope, ready to go outside the marriage.

Any suggestions? I'm all talked out.


----------



## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

How old is he? Has he ever had his testosterone levels checked?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

What was the sex like in the beginning and middle of the marriage? When you were dating?


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Have you specifically told him that the lack so sex sucks and that you are thinking about what to do about that? Tell him if he is interested in having a nice, ongoing marriage then he needs to give it up more often or you will either request an open marriage or that you will leave. Tell him that this whole roommate thing isn't cutting it for you and that SOMETHING is going to change. 

Open and honest, what do you have to lose?


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its a miserable situation to be in, and if you read a bunch of threads here you will find that it is surprisingly common, and often difficult to fix.


----------



## KJ_Simmons (Jan 12, 2016)

richardsharpe said:


> ....and often difficult to fix.


Unfortunately, so true. It appears the HD partner resigns themselves to their needs not being fulfilled, or the LD partner capitulates but has a hard time hiding the "duty" nature of it all, still leaving the HD partner unfulfilled because their desire goes beyond just physical intimacy.


----------



## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

Does he give any reason for his lack of desire? Does he know that you want to explore with women?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You've talked, you've asked, you've invited....nothing?

Is there a reason why your go to thought is to have an affair instead of just divorcing? It doesn't make sense to stay, does it? You know what you want and he isn't it and he won't become it. What will you do if you find it but can't pursue it because of your marital status? I would think anyone worth have a relationship with, would probably not be interested in pursuing a married woman... right?

Not sure what having sex with another woman has to do with your situation. You want a sexual relationship with someone, make or female, who wants you back. This isn't your husband. So why stay?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

People that are married have sex?

Wait, your husband isn't giving you enough, so you want--- another WOMAN??????

How's that work?

I am thinking there is important u disclosed information we don't know. 

Can you think of any reason he might not want to have sex with you other than you want a woman and not a man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Note-This (May 27, 2016)

[email protected] said:


> Been married as I indicated for 34 years, kids are all grown house is empty and I am sexually frustrated because I am lucky if we have sex or get intimate 1 time a month.
> Ive asked if their is a problem or something I should know because of the lack of. I even told hubby if he doesn't want sex at least express some intimacy. Not much going on in that area either. I have asked him if he is done and ready to move on obviously we have been together for a while, and that I get it, the love for me isn't there anymore and that if that is where the marriage is headed then lets discuss and move on our way. He says he is happy, but our sex life says differently. He does not meet my physical, emotional or spiritual needs, the marriage appears to be more of a friendship rather than a marriage relationship.
> I have begun to have fantasies about being with another women with this lack of sex.
> I am starting to get this "fine, whatever" attitude towards the whole situation, because I have discussed this with him and he seems to put no effort or does not realize the seriousness of our marriage relationship and easy I can act out on those fantasies.
> ...


Fantacies (yours, his, or both. Old or new) hand written with romantic lead ins (i.e."M y cherished loved one")-- fold them over, put them in small envelopes. Decide on a night to have a drawing. Choose another day for the holder to open the envelope. Take your partner somewhere and make the fantacy come true. Whether its the car in the garage, a secluded field, a hotel, a hill top, a out of town neighbor's deck or an unused community pavilion wait at least until you get there to show him the envelope. Prepare for it. Put a bag together of some kind. Decide a head of time how many edgings will proceed the first orgasm. What you expect from him. The words total cooperation. A man's second but first pure fantacy is forced (that is dominated sex). Have fun and tell him just to trust you. You may have tobe satified with just a dry rub orgasm until you get him in the habit of seeing and enjoying the freedom of a sanctified relationship. Good luck. I'm praying for you. Be patient. Let him know you want to play and enjoy him in a fun way. Kiss his neck and ears. Give him a full body massage. Tell him you have to have physical contact, affection and gratification. Patience and persistence are a must. Ask him if you can hand cuff fim and then kiss his chest and neck. Shower together and give him a good exfoliation. Oral sex doesn't have to end with an orgasm in the mouth. It could just be an enticement to the opportunity of asking for a pony ride. Communication even with delicate subjects is critical.


----------



## woodyh (Oct 23, 2015)

Married over 30 years here. My wife says I give her too much attention. I would have sex 3 to 5 times a week if it was available, she only makes it available once or so.
I agree, being roommates isn't too good. If my wife wanted to have with another woman, I would even consider her doing that.


----------



## Dallow Spicer (Sep 5, 2016)

.

/old thread


----------



## rolyntral (Sep 9, 2016)

You got a good deal! married 20 years .... had sex twice this year -..... yes its bad. Economic dependency , health issues with my wife, she never has been into sex but like most women try to hide it especially before getting married . Also a big factor, she had no brothers in her family , three women. One sister has not had sex in 17 years nor has dated . The other sister had two kids but here husband and her did not have sex for 10 years before he died . Yeah i am about his age now ... so looking for a **** buddy thats for sure. Whatever I have to do.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP

Get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. She has lots of great advice on things you can do. One of the things she recommends in all her books is to fix yourself by getting a life. Change yourself into the most interesting, fascinating, confident, more fit person you can be.

Then do 180's. Obviously, what you have been doing to try to change things has not worked. It hasn't worked because you can't force your spouse to change. What you can do is change the dynamic between the two of you by changing yourself and how you react to things. That will force him into unfamiliar territory. He will know that if he does what he use to do, it will not give him the result he wants. That means he will need to change the way he treats you. It will either be better or worse at his choice. But it will be different and if it is for the better and you give positive reinforcement you will have started the process toward saving your marriage.

Good luck. For some of us once a month would have seemed like a lot.


----------



## beckysusername (Sep 18, 2016)

There's a website that must not have officially launched yet that I ran across when doing some research for us. ourspice.org had an interesting concept but think it would work best if both partners were interested in making a change.


----------



## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

you should think about D before having an A.

Dropping the A bomb on your marriage with man or woman would increase your problems and blow any chance to fix anything to bits.

Have him talk with you to a counselor. Have him see the Dr.

I do know it is frustrating. Trying to get my wife interested is hell.

married for over forty years.


----------



## chatabox (May 4, 2016)

My partner and I go through phases like this. Every time I try to talk to him about it, he just sees it as whinging or b*tching. And me being "clingy/whiney" turns him off more, to the point that I don't even get hugs and kisses. 

The way I have very successfully turned it around multiple times is to show HIM the love. Hug him, kiss him, touch him, do s3xual acts with him. (BJ/HJ) and raise his confidence by telling him how much I love s3x with him. He also finds me more attractive when I am happy and confident. The more I help raise his s3x drive by doing these things, he starts to reciprocate in the bedroom. It takes a while to get him into it, but it's so worth it. Sometimes they just get so into living life, they forget the romance. Bring them romance. It's not just the guys job to be sexy and romantic.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Its a miserable situation to be in, and if you read a bunch of threads here you will find that it is surprisingly common, and often difficult to fix.


Eh, uch, uch....maybe surprisingly easy to fix? Is also possible.

My experience is that most of the time people create the blockade on their path all by themselves. And whatever they want to do to get better, don't touch the blockade!

So...identifying the underlying cause is of the highest importance.

Wait Old Thread.....


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When the OP said she was all talked out, she meant it. One post.


----------

