# Guilty party



## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Just read thru a lot of posts from men whose wives are having an online affair--what a faceful of anger & pain! Well, I am one of those wives, and it's no picnic on this end either! I'm finding myself unable to end a longterm EA and am horribly guilty for hurting my husband & risking my marriage. I don't think I'll ever be able to return my husband's romantic feelings, but I think we work well in so many other ways & we will always have joint family commitments. The way it looks from here is that I can be unhappy by ending the online relationship or unhappy by ending my marriage. Hmm...I know 'on paper' it's ridiculous to risk a marriage for someone I'll likely never meet, but it's not that simple. Or is that just the addict in me talking? We're both seeing counselors, btw.


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Seeker:

Unfortunately there is no easy way forward for you.

Even if you do this just for yourself only you need to put a NC in place with OM and keep to it, change email addresses , phone numbers the whole shebang.

Only after a good number or more of NC months can you then reassess your marriage. At the moment in spite of what you may want to say about your H or marriage the OM is clouding your judgement. 

You are just one of many W's and H's that are going through this and all end in terrible pain once the EA gets muddy and the bubble bursts. 

The EA is triggering a feel good chemical imbalance in your brain - noted fact 

Many best wishes..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Well said, Wisp. You can pretty much bet you will feel that you will never be return your husband's romantic feelings while you have a strong emotional attachment to another man. On the other hand, if you end the EA and are able to reconnect with your husband, the romantic feelings may return. You married him, so I'm guessing they were there at some point...when did you begin to feel the need to seek out emotional support from another man? Is there resentment on your part? Lack of intimacy?


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Time to put on your big girl panties. You will to be unhappy in your ea or your marriage. Since you are destined to be unhappy any way you look at it. Why not free your husband so that at least he can be happy. It may take him a while, but at least there is a chance for "happy" in his future.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Seeker said:


> Just read thru a lot of posts from men whose wives are having an online affair--what a faceful of anger & pain! Well, I am one of those wives, and it's no picnic on this end either! I'm finding myself unable to end a longterm EA and am horribly guilty for hurting my husband & risking my marriage. I don't think I'll ever be able to return my husband's romantic feelings, but I think we work well in so many other ways & we will always have joint family commitments. The way it looks from here is that I can be unhappy by ending the online relationship or unhappy by ending my marriage. Hmm...I know 'on paper' it's ridiculous to risk a marriage for someone I'll likely never meet, but it's not that simple. Or is that just the addict in me talking? We're both seeing counselors, btw.


...The way it looks from here is that I can be unhappy by ending the online relationship or unhappy by ending my marriage. Hmm.....

I dont think you will be unhappy by ending your marriage as you are already emotionally attached to your lover , but your H will definately be unhappy as he still seems to be very much into this M .

If you have read other stories on this board you will realize how humiliating it can be for a H to see his wife pinning for her lover , crying for her lover & struggling to get out of a deep EA or PA . 
So if you think you are done with your H just dump him .


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Seeker

There are choices you have to make – below is an extract for you:-

1- stay in the affair and be ok with the decision, enjoy every min of it- and know that someone WILL find out and deal with it when they do, then enjoy the pain you give everyone.

2-remove yourself from the affair , before anyone finds out about it and continue on with the life you had before the affair (I don't think this one is really possible), but you remove the "getting caught" factor. You will hurt and be unhappy in yourself and no one will understand why.

3-Seperate from your H and maybe your OM, while you still have a choice in the matter- do this for yourself not the affair, this can just be a temporary thing and you may be able to think about what you really want for yourself.

4-OWN IT, and tell your H the truth, and see where that takes you....

No matter how this ends, your going to feel bad enough, heartache is part of the recipe

and it will turn out a happy ending no matter what path it takes, just due to the fact you will live!!!! but you will inevitable have a dark moment before you see the light....


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Thanks. people. FYI, Wisp, husband has known about EA for a year now. I told the OM last night I needed to break it off with him. H & I are both going to counselors separately & spending a lot of time talking, doing things together. Don't know how it will turn out, but it's clear from reading thru so many posts here that the 'fog' has to clear to find that out. 

That said, I'm feeling very jaded about marriage in general, thinking that it's a miracle any of them survive long-term (ours is 20+ yrs). People like "Init" can rant all they want about us scummy sinners, but hey, marriage sucks sometimes and we're all human (all except him, I guess).


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

I told the OM last night I needed to break it off with him. --Good for you. 

I cannot say if your marriage will work as it does take two to tango and your H will have to do his part. 

Whatever happens, leaving the OM is the right decision, you will go through withdrawal, it is going to be tough and hurt a lot. Most get through it OK and their marriage ends up better.

I read somewhere that the 8 to 11 week period is the worst for no contact.

Look after yourself and be brave. 

Post if you want to chat


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I've been married for over 30 years. I guess I have a great marriage (more credit to her then me). As I suggested to Grateful, you might consider doing "The Love Dare". Its a 30 day program designed to restore your marriage. When it comes down to it. We have the marriage we want. Good luck.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

What strikes me about this is how selfish you come off:



> ...The way it looks from here is that I can be unhappy by ending the online relationship or unhappy by ending my marriage.


And


> husband has known about EA for a year now. I told the OM last night I needed to break it off with him.


So, in other words, you've been active in an affair for a year, all the time your husband has known, and he's been faithful and tried to love you despite extremely unloving behaviour on your part? Is that correct? Basically you've been stringing him along in limbo while you enjoy the security of the marriage and the emotional high of the attention you get from the other man.

The real question to ask is: What on earth have you done to deserve your husbands love and devotion?

This sounds judgmental, but I mean it as a way to recontextualize the situation. You have been acting terribly hurtful, and it seems to be all about you - your guilt, you feeling torn, etc.

Until you can empathize with your husband, and see him as a real person who is suffering, and that YOU are the cause of the suffering, you will not have perspective on this situation.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Seeker said:


> I don't think I'll ever be able to return my husband's romantic feelings,


Heard that from my wife a couple of years ago. And she was right on one level. Her feelings for me would never come back as long as she was still involved in her LDEA. When she ended it she still said she didn't think the love and romance would ever come back. She was wrong, it did. Our marriage is stronger and more loving than it has been in years. Go NC with TOM and give yourself (and your marriage) a chance. It's the only one it has, believe me.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Well, Seeking Sanity, I think calling myself 'guilty party' is a hint that I know I've been selfish, and breaking contact with the OM is also an admission of that. As far as what I've done to deserve my husband's patience, I have no idea--he's a good guy.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Fair enough. My point was to try and shake you into taking an empathetic view of your husband. The om was simply a fantasy. He didn't occupy any of the day to day of your life. Right now you don't value the attention and love of your husband because you've been absorbed in your own little selfish fantasy world. It's good you are starting to acknowledge that. Your going to mourn the end of your fantasy and prob hold some resentment to your husband for having to end it. At some point you will get thru that and then your feelings will return. 

The other option would be to leave the marriage and discover what dating in the real world is like (hard).

Your husband has value. You don't see it right now. When the addiction to the attention from the om wears off, you'll see it. Stay no contact. Give yourself time. Love is an action. Do loving things for your husband even if you have to fake it at first. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Here's the thing. I acknowledge that I wasn't treating my husband with respect by carrying on the EA, but the fact is, my romantic/sexual feelings for him disappeared YEARS ago. I don't just feel that way because I'm grieving for the OM. How do you go about creating an attraction that I only have a distant memory of?


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

There is no single answer or easy way forward: you are grieving at the same time your grieving is hurting your H. The grieving cannot be the longest and dominant part of the recovery processes. You have to move on and off this phase quickly. 

You mentioned respect to your H, this is only one component, you were missing a BIG something in your marriage as well and the OM replaced it. 

The challenge for both you and your H is to work together to recover your love for each other. Time will heal, what will help reduce that time is to follow a set of steps to rebuild the trust and love between you, the recovery rate is high just different timescales for each couple.

Do not judge what happened in the past, your H must move on from your EA you must move on from any hurt he did to you. 

I assume a counsellor is offering good advice, you and your H should for yourselves go the the marrriagebuilders.com site and pull off the questioners and read how to start filling your love banks. 

There are references to the 5 steps therein. Find the triggers that stimulate your H and he should respond. In turn he should find your triggers and stimulate them. 

It takes a lot more effort to rebuild your love for each other that it took for you to maintain the EA, there are going to be days when you will be sorely tempted and will think the path to recovery is not working. Every day that passes is a step forward even though it will not feel like it at the time. 

Whatever happens keep up the NC, only once you break the infatuation will things get better and they will.

Is your H fully commited to following a process to recover your love. Some men do not know how to do this and need a NUDGE in the right direction. 


Be strong and thoughts are with you


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## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Seeker, what you have to come to realize is that the myth of emotions being a constant and the happily-ever-after-with-no-work is just that -- it's a Hollywood myth. And look at how many marriages actually last and work in Hollywood. 

The truth of the matter is that love is an action. That emotions are fickle. And that emotions WILL follow actions. Do loving actions and loving emotions will follow. There are seasons of struggle or strife. 

And to be sure your husband probably has love busters that he does towards you that need to change, and he needs to make sure that he understands what your needs are and that he should strive to meet them. 

But the myth and the lie that leads to so much divorce is that our emotions drive our actions. That is the inverse of how we are designed and how marriage is intended to work. Our *actions* drive our emotions and we need to make those choices. 

My wife felt much the same as you, and only 7 months after finding out about the affair and 4-5 months after her giving it up we are happier than we probably ever have been, her emotions have come back for me and in a big way. Things aren't perfect - nothing is. But our marriage is stronger, better and happier than it ever has been. We both appreciate and love one another and endeavor to show it and keep it kindled each day. 

It can work out, it can be good again, give it a try, give yourself fully to it and begin it with taking actions of love.


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## NotJustMe (Jun 24, 2010)

Seeker said:


> Here's the thing. I acknowledge that I wasn't treating my husband with respect by carrying on the EA, but the fact is, my romantic/sexual feelings for him disappeared YEARS ago. I don't just feel that way because I'm grieving for the OM. How do you go about creating an attraction that I only have a distant memory of?


There are many ways to go about doing this, you may have to try several of them. One way that will definitely NOT work would be trying to find these feelings in the words or arms of another man.


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## Seeker (Sep 1, 2010)

Quick update: H & I started couples counseling today. That's going to be intense. I still have strong feelings for the OM, but the addiction-type urges to contact him are getting better. I'm finally able to see that my husband has hung in there thru all this & is willing to fight tooth & nail to put this marriage back together. I keep hearing from people that things are better than ever after an affair, but I can't see that happening yet. I'm not sure it was ever that close a relationship to begin with. We'll see where it goes.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

With time out of contact with OM the feelings will start to fade and a clearer vision of your husband will return. If he is working to improve the marriage you will see him in a better light. With that the emotions, compassion and passion can start to return. With time it can happen so keep strong in going NC with TOM. Good luck. It does get easier.


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