# Follow up...Need some more advice, please...



## WE ONE-SIX (Sep 28, 2011)

Below is the original message from a couple of weeks ago... Thanks for all the tremendous feedback!!! It has helped, but over the last week there have been some developments that are starting to throw me for a loop....

*Here is my story in a nut shell. Since returning from overseas with the military a few years ago, I have struggled w/ my wife having male friends. I wasn't aware of how prevalent it was until after my return.

During this time, I have resorted numerous times to "snooping"(i.e. checking cell phone, texts, FB, emails, the entire information spectrum) in order to find out the perceived truths. When confronting her, this as you can imagine only lead to bigger problems for both of us in trusting one another and always put our marriage in greater jeopardy.

Over the last two months this situation has reoccurred(initiated and revealed by my snooping again). We have both went to counseling together(only once) and I have continued individual counseling to deal with how this effects me versus the need to want to control her(which I don't want to do...too time consuming and mentally exhausting).

Regardless, communication has been more open but so has her need to interact w/ OM "friends"...Including a former fiancee...Yes, she has been more forthright in telling me when and where and if I am ok w/ it. I am trying to be accepting of her need to have her friends, but am struggling on how to establish a healthy boundary and when and where I get to interact w/ these OM "friends" too(on a limited basis), which has not occurred yet.

I don't think either of us our ready to give up on our marriage, but I am certainly trying to mitigate what I believe are real risks as well as those not yet revealed, or I haven't uncovered. Additionally, I am trying to reconcile my own feelings of insecurity and the needs of my spouse to commit to helping someone else w/ their problems when she could be focusing more on hers, ours, and those of the marriage.*

Fast forward to a week ago. We had a discussion which was initiated by a conversation due to her need to hang out again w/ one of her male friends. I didn't agree and told her that I accepted her need to have friends but didn't accept me being excluded ALL the time...So, she became very emotional and began telling me that she is so confused and isn't sure what she wants, and can't focus on anything right now...I told her that I loved her enough to let her go...If, she can't find happiness for herself, it will never exist in our marriage and lives...The weekend ended up being good, but the following week seemed like we were emotionally detached....

Last night she came home after being out and I could tell that she was preoccupied and upset...We start discussing her feelings and she became very upset just like the week prior...She claims that she is just so, confused...Acknowledges all the good I do, and that most woman would be happy to have me...She feels like she is hurting me and doesn't want to intentionally...I recommended counseling again....She isn't sure, but isn't totally opposed either... Tomorrow is her B-day and we have a planned celebration that I know she is looking forward to...In our conversation last night and then again this morning we started discussing the possibility of divorce or separation...She tells me she loves me, but reinforces that she feels like she can't live w/ me and she can't live w/ out me, but she definitely doesn't want to keep living like she is carrying the feelings that she has and feels as though she is stuck...

In an effort to help, I called a counselor to see if I could get her an appointment...I haven't told her yet and will wait unti after her b-day...She needs to go, but I obviously can't make her...

I am just wondering if there is more to her feelings and story... I am mentally preparing myself for the worst and feel like I am strong enough to handle, but I really do love her an don't want to see my second marriage fail....

I am sorry this is a lot...Any feedback would be greatly appreciated...

Thanks!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Major red flags ALL pointing to her cheating. The councillor won't help until y ou have exposed the affair and she stops all contact with the OM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Her confusion is dued to her cheating.

You should follow her on one of those night out.

You should get several VAR (voice activated recorder). Hide one in the house. Hide another one in her car taped underneath her seat.

She's cheating. You should play detective to confirm it.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

A man who hears his woman saying "she is confused" in this way means one thing and one thing only, there is another man on her mind, an affair man.

You have just been served with her version of the ILYBNILWY speech. This practically always means there is an affair man in the picture.

The solution, smash this affair immediately.

This is not done by being friendly, accomodating, understanding, buying her flowers, or trying to emphathize or apologize. Not at all.

She may say she is "confused", and the nice husband may be tempted to believe she is really needing to make a decision or some such thing. Nonsense. 

Love, which in marriage is a word for emotional connection and sexual attraction, it is not any "decision", it is a primal emotion that is a response to actions and behaviors. 

Do not be fooled by your woman's words.

Do NOT waste time analyzing her words, or analyzing what you yourself may or may not done to be the perfect husband.

Do NOT waste time waiting for her to make some sort of "decision".

You need to make the decision for her. 

That you will NOT share her with another man.

This is done only one way, by playing hardball.

Do not tolerate her dating other men.

Do not tolerate her talking about other man.

Do not tolerate her being wishy washy.

Do not tolerate her "male friends". It is clear already that boundry is not healthy for your marriage.

No, you cannot "make her" go to counciling.

But you can make it [email protected] clear she either works on the marriage, or packs her bags. And mean it.

Make it clear to her that you are 100 times the man of any other man that may be on her mind. 

Make this crystal clear, and the "confusion" in her mind will disappear quick enough!

Also, do not reward her cheating behavior. Throwing a cheating spouse a happy birthday party is not going to help your cause. 

Instead, begin do things to give her the experience of reality of living the rest of her life without you, that you will be happy and successful either with or without her.

Speak plainly and directly that seperation and divorce, while not what you may want, is without a doubt the course of action you will take versus tolerating sharing your wife with any other man now or ever.

Again, this kind of attitude and behavior, coming from you, that will evaporate all the confusion in her mind very quickly.

I know it will be a challenge and is often difficult to imagine, but smashing an affair and putting your marriage back on track is accomplished this way, by playing hardball, and never by being nice and friendly. 

The time for nice and friendly is past.

I wish you well.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She`s cheating.

Stop being a doormat it won`t help you.

Demand she stop all contact with all male "friends".

See how quickly her "confusion" lifts once you start demanding the respect you`ve earned.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

I agree with all the other posts, she's cheating with 100% certainty. I don't agree with the snooping advice, simply asking her straight out is far easier (not to mention cheaper).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

WE ONE-SIX said:


> Below is the original message from a couple of weeks ago... Thanks for all the tremendous feedback!!! It has helped, but over the last week there have been some developments that are starting to throw me for a loop....
> 
> *Here is my story in a nut shell. Since returning from overseas with the military a few years ago, I have struggled w/ my wife having male friends. I wasn't aware of how prevalent it was until after my return.
> 
> ...


Confused is a bad thing. It has great meaning and it is not good.

Hanging out with other men is at least dating.

A former lover should not even be an acquaintance.

Close male friends are a very bad idea, even if they do not hang out.

This is unfaithful stuff here.

If my wife said she was going out to hang out with another man, I would tell her I was changing the locks and not to come back. Seriously. I would zero tolerance for this. I would make her choose as she left out the door.

Just curious what does she say she does with this guy. Does she go to his home? What kind of dates do they have? How long is she gone. Of course doing this for an hour is unacceptable but is she gone with this guy long? Is she dressing sexy when she goes like on a date? How often does she go out on dates with him?

Do you guys go out together? How is your sex life .... oh and you need to get tested for STDs.

Also it is not about being excluded ALL the time. She should not be alone with another man even occasionally.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

BigBadWolf said:


> A man who hears his woman saying "she is confused" in this way means one thing and one thing only, there is another man on her mind, an affair man.
> 
> You have just been served with her version of the ILYBNILWY speech. This practically always means there is an affair man in the picture.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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