# Self reflection and behavior/thought changes



## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

What have you done post divorce/split as far as self reflection and changing your behaviors and thought processes?

I am fortunate that I have my AA program to really help with this part of my growth. After doing my first 4th step, the moral inventory, I was able to identify the causes of my relationship issues:

- passive aggressive behavior
- NGS - Nice Guy Syndrome (LOL, it sounds fatal, no?)
- Inability to enforce boundaries once set

As I am moving back out in to the dating world, I am finding that this reflection and actively looking at my thought processes have been a tremendous help in getting over, and moving on from, my divorce.

Things I am working to actively change:

- saying what I want/need in a straightforward, but appropriate, manner
- being nice without the covert contracts (something I have been good at in the past, but need to reestablish)
- setting boundaries and keeping to them. Making myself a priority and not allowing others to "use" me.

I have found that since starting AA almost 18 months ago that I am less apt to "take sh*t" and will more readily call people on it. It is quite liberating.

What about you? What are you changing and reflecting on?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I, too, put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. I thought that's what you did for your spouse in a good marriage. As it turns out, what that mostly did was encourage my now-ex-husband to take me for granted and take grave advantage of my trust and my giving nature. 

Interestingly, I've always had good boundaries with other people, but never with my ex-husband during our long relationship. The good news (I guess?) is that dealing with my him during and after the divorce has allowed me plenty of opportunities to get good at boundaries where he's concerned. He has none, so I have to make and enforce my own vigorously. 

I'm hoping that this new willingness to be good to myself first will carry over into a new relationship someday.


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## Mo24 (Feb 18, 2014)

How do you learn/execute this one?

- saying what I want/need in a straightforward, but appropriate, manner


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Mo24 said:


> How do you learn/execute this one?
> 
> - saying what I want/need in a straightforward, but appropriate, manner


It is tied to setting boundaries. What is acceptable and not acceptable.

Ex: I met a new lady the other day. We clicked on line but not in person. She asked about friendship and I simply told her that I am looking for more than a friendship. We ended the date and I went on to the next date. No hard feelings from me or her that I am aware of. 

I made it clear, nicely, that physical intimacy is something I need to maintain a relationship. And being friends did not fulfill that need. Now, had she offered to be FWB or FB, I may have reconsidered, but I have enough friends. I won't wait around to see if my feelings change or hers do. I value my time now more than ever.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I discovered that I had a tendancy to take things too personally. My ex, being a little passive agressive, didnt help this.

Mostly I read. I guess I read probabaly 40-50 books. I listened to about 20 audio books. I dove into the darkest parts of me and allowed them to swallow me.
When I figured out that they could not kill me, I embraced them and called them my own. So now I have a good accounting of all my monkeys and I know what each of them does. 

When somebody else tries to put their monkeys on me I know what to say...
"Not my circus. Not my Monkeys."


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

My codependency/"nice guy"/doormattery/need to be needed.

Going to CODA meetings helped a lot, as did this board and some other sites about "manning up". I'm still a work in progress but about 100 miles from where I was when my wife cheated the first time.

I definitely started dating too early, but I'm in a pretty good spot now.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l've tried to keep myself more level . l was moody , snappy , not very patient and yeah in a lot of cases it was no wonder but , none the less. It's just no way to live is it, whatever's going on in your life, that [email protected] doesn't help.
l've worked pretty hard at just remembering to enjoy things to is a biggie.

One weird thing though and this part of it isn't something l've tried to do or anything , not these days , l did earlier with the 180 type stuff but l do seem to be a lot more smiley , got a sort of happier disposition , like l feel happier or less stressed or something , l'm not sure really.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

We "all" put up with more than we realize, in hopes of keeping a M going.

I have noticed with g/f of 18 months, I call BS when I see it. It has

rocked the boat but...when I feel I am not treated properly, I either

address the issue or eliminate it from happening again.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

Like SamuraiJack, I read and continue to read and listen to many,many articles, books and audio books. 

I also spend time discussing my past behaviors with a few "good" friends. This has really helped. I was a in a very passive aggressive relationship. I gave and gave, bent and bent to make it work.

When I look back and learn from my mistakes, I make the changes to correct the behavior. 

I never held strict guidelines or rules. I now have them, and I stick to them, I call BS when I see it. I will not allow my self to be a doormat. 

I know myself enough to understand that I am not ready to date yet. There is a girl I would really like to take out however because I know I am not ready I will not ask. I am going to wait longer. If this person moves on so be it. That is how I know I am getting on top of it. I will not date just to date, I am going to find what I always wanted in a relationship..


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

I'm someone who has ALWAYS turned to self-help books for every little problem I encounter. I did it during my marriage. I went to Counselling. He and I went to counselling. After our reconciliation failed, I was self-helped out. I very deliberately decided NOT to analyze things. Instead, I took the opportunity to pursue a sexual bucket list. 

And what has been really interesting and surprising about that is that it has done things I never thought it would do. It's given me the opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries, be clear about what I do and don't want and express it, and I have HEALED. The bitterness and anger just got washed away with NO analysis. NO "working on it". It has made me think that there may be something to the idea of sexual healing, which sounds funny, but maybe not.

Admittedly, I have read self-help articles and even downloaded some books along the way, but you can read books all day long. Without practicing what you learn, you don't get very far.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

movealong said:


> What have you done post divorce/split as far as self reflection and changing your behaviors and thought processes?
> 
> 
> What about you? What are you changing and reflecting on?


Trusting my gut feeling.


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> I'm someone who has ALWAYS turned to self-help books for every little problem I encounter. I did it during my marriage. I went to Counselling. He and I went to counselling. After our reconciliation failed, I was self-helped out. I very deliberately decided NOT to analyze things. Instead, I took the opportunity to pursue a sexual bucket list.
> 
> And what has been really interesting and surprising about that is that it has done things I never thought it would do. It's given me the opportunity to practice enforcing boundaries, be clear about what I do and don't want and express it, and I have HEALED. The bitterness and anger just got washed away with NO analysis. NO "working on it". It has made me think that there may be something to the idea of sexual healing, which sounds funny, but maybe not.
> 
> Admittedly, I have read self-help articles and even downloaded some books along the way, but you can read books all day long. Without practicing what you learn, you don't get very far.


This is great to hear! I think I am working on something like a sexual bucket list, too, just getting started, tho.  I was married for 25 years and we had a terrible sex life for about the first 24 years of that. During the last year I fell in love with him again (sadly the same time he was falling for OW) and our sex life got great. When he broke my heart, I almost immediately thought that I was not going to let my newfound excitement about sex get lost in the shuffle or shelved just bc I didn't have a partner. lol I did go for 3 1/2 months without, but now I'm back in the saddle! 

Anyhow... a lot of people act like getting involved too quickly is a terrible idea, yada, yada. But I think it probably depends what your issues are. I know that I have all kinds of issues, some that I came with and some that were developed and nurtured during the marriage, but I am pretty sure that sex and even, if it were to happen, another relationship wouldn't get in the way of dealing with them. I feel, like you, that I am working out some things in the context of a real life and some of those things I wouldn't have realized if I wasn't getting involved with other people.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

grays said:


> Anyhow... a lot of people act like getting involved too quickly is a terrible idea, yada, yada.


I think it's pretty universally sound advice for a variety of reasons.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

there is always a taboo attached to doing so

but if there are two consenting adults who both know it is FWB

and nothing LTR oriented...what's the issue?

well that comes about three months later when one of the two

gets attached to the other. always a slippery slope


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## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

COguy said:


> I think it's pretty universally sound advice for a variety of reasons.


Who knows... maybe in a year I'll feel differently, but right now I'm feeling happier and more centered than I have in many years. I am also feeling much more relaxed, taking things in stride, etc, than ever before. 

So far I've slept with two people and am working on a third, lol, and it's all been just fun and nice. I think all three of them are people that i'm pretty likely to think of as good friends a few years from now. I love it that I have some kind of connection with each of them, but am not feeling at all possessive or obsessive about any of them. I enjoy spending time with them, but am not freaked at the idea of not spending time with them. This is the first time I've felt this way and it's really nice. The last time I dated I was 19 years old, and it's really been fun and interesting to me to date as a 44 year old. It's so different! Probably mostly bc I'm so different. 

Interestingly, almost all of my friends who I've really talked to about all this are JEALOUS! I swear, I don't think anyone has almost ever felt jealous of me before. lol But my single friends and a couple of friends who have been single and now remarried are telling me that they wished they had gotten out there and had a good time and allowed themselves to be happy like I've been doing, but I think they felt like they shouldn't bc everyone said, you can't jump right back in.


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Rowan said:


> I, too, put up with a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. I thought that's what you did for your spouse in a good marriage. As it turns out, what that mostly did was encourage my now-ex-husband to take me for granted and take grave advantage of my trust and my giving nature.
> 
> Interestingly, I've always had good boundaries with other people, but never with my ex-husband during our long relationship. The good news (I guess?) is that dealing with my him during and after the divorce has allowed me plenty of opportunities to get good at boundaries where he's concerned. He has none, so I have to make and enforce my own vigorously.
> 
> I'm hoping that this new willingness to be good to myself first will carry over into a new relationship someday.





ne9907 said:


> Trusting my gut feeling.


Both of these exactly. For me, they are very related. I am learning how to trust myself again.



Chuck71 said:


> there is always a taboo attached to doing so
> 
> but if there are two consenting adults who both know it is FWB
> 
> ...


Unless you both get caught by the attachment bug! 



grays said:


> Interestingly, almost all of my friends who I've really talked to about all this are JEALOUS! I swear, I don't think anyone has almost ever felt jealous of me before. lol But my single friends and a couple of friends who have been single and now remarried are telling me that they wished they had gotten out there and had a good time and allowed themselves to be happy like I've been doing, but I think they felt like they shouldn't bc everyone said, you can't jump right back in.


Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The thing is everyone has a different definition of what is too soon. *shrug* If something goes awry, if you have respect and friendship with the FWB, then it is generally good. You will have some good memories.

Still, don't love the concept of a sexual bucket list.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I've become more emotional or in tune with my emotions maybe ?

I've been more vocal about what I want and need from my partner and what I won't accept.. I just don't let something I don't like linger.. Sometimes I feel I need to STFU, but I can't.. 

I have become less goofy.. I would drop my pants if it gave you a laugh.. I don't do that anymore.. 

I'm much more serious and what's in it for me, now..


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

It is critical to bring your A game, every day


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