# I married a child - can I wait for him to grow up?



## pedi05401 (Mar 1, 2014)

All,

My husband and I have been married for three and a half years and have a three year old son. When I married my husband, he was terrific - mature, caring, responsible. With the past behind us, he has turned into a child.

When we first got together, he was very supportive of me and our marriage. He started going out all night towards the end of my pregnancy. At the time, we were about to leave the country, so I thought he needed some time with his friends. Once he started, he never looked back. My mother in law said that I should never have let him start, and maybe she's right, but he went from her house to mine, and I can't control him.

I feel like a single mom. He goes out all night and sleeps all day. We take turns waking up with my son on the weekend - often, he's been out so late that he falls asleep and lets my son watch tv or play with his cars. About a month ago, I came downstairs and he had not changed my son out of his pajamas or given him breakfast. He likes music, so now he is pursuing a career as a DJ, and says that I am not supportive of his dreams.

We got into a big fight last week because he wanted to go to a party instead of opening presents and having cake with our three year old on his birthday. He stayed for the presents, left, came back reluctantly for the cake, and left soon thereafter. 

It took him two years to find a job in a third country, and he does not support the household at all. He had done well in school, but he failed his online courses and has been suspended, and now spends a lot of time with friends pursuing his DJ dream.

I feel like we have nothing in common - and when I call him, he rarely picks up the phone. I know that he loves me, and I love him, but I deserve better than this. When we fight, he is one of those people who cannot lose and thinks he is always right. Most of the time, I do not pursue arguments because there is no point. He doesn't listen or ask how I feel. He thinks that I am selfish and prioritize my career over his dreams. I don't listen to him.

I asked if we could go to couple's counseling and he refused. When he is around, he is a good father, but our son keeps on asking where he is. Once, when I said his father was out with friends, our son said, "again?!".

He takes me for granted, and I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand with a man who refuses to grow up. I think the only option left is separation for him to consider what he has. Advice welcome!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you are right to pursue separation. Maybe not having all the comforts of his home and family available to him will make him start to appreciate you.

And don't let your mother-in-law put the blame on you. Just shake that off.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you think he's going to change? He's been pretty clear that he's living the life he wants to. 

C


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

A couple of theories. One, his infatuation wore off and judging from the timeline, the chemical highs will wear out about this time. When he is in the infatuation stage, he will be more attentive, supporting, and on his best behavior to impress you. Now, your seeing his base personality.

Two, this is from a biological perspective as well. Some men lack the male paternity gene. Like some women lack the maternal gene and do not want to be a mother. He may lack this factor or express it to a lesser degree. Research shows some men lose attraction when a female is pregnant, and goes into the wandering stage. While infatuated, he probably wanted the more ideal family life and discovered that it may not be him after all.

At this moment, he is not a good investment, and maybe kicking him out will wake him up or he may feel relieved. That is what it will come down to, and you cannot figure it out until you take certain actions. The longer you wait, the longer the agony. Sometimes it is better to feel the pain all at once if you are prepared to handle it. Some people need time to get themselves mentally healthy. Whatever the case, it is definitely some kind of escape.

How was the marriage before the pregnancy? Did his personality started changing when you were pregnant? What are the type of people he hangs out with? Do they show the same characteristics?


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## pedi05401 (Mar 1, 2014)

He was pretty supportive when I was pregnant, until the last couple of months. We had sex frequently when I was pregnant, which he enjoyed. His friends are mostly younger than him and single. They are good people and do not have bad addictions, but it's probably pretty telling that he would rather be single. 

He is a very good father, so I wouldn't say that he does not have the paternal gene. I think he resents me trying to put boundaries on him since he has always been in a situation with boundaries.

I think he COULD change, but I think it will take years. I am afraid that he will say he will change, and within 6 months he will revert to the same pattern. I also seriously think he needs counseling, and I think a separation is the only way to induce it. 

When my son was 8 months old, we were separated for two months (circumstance, not on purpose) and he was miserable. Ironically, although he was free to do what he wanted, he barely went out.

I want it to work, but I also do not want to continue spending all my time alone crying. I know that I can survive as a single mother, but at this point I am probably in it for our son.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have anyone who you can move in with right now, for example your parents so that you have help through a transition period?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He will never change without HAVING to. Cut him loose now. You have at least SOME chance of him waking up, but only if you kick him out, force him to get a job, and maybe see that he can pull himself back up and have some pride again. But none of it will ever happen unless YOU force a change.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to pack it up, move-along...


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

If he were single and childless - meh! But he ain't.

Responsible people involved in the arts can persue their dreams quite easily.

You get a regular job to fund it/get by and hone your skills in your free time.

Thus skilled, musicians/DJs seek gigs/jobs in bars, clubs, parties, wedding receptions etc. 

If you're any good, you'll get more work by word of mouth and, maybe, attention from the music industry. The latter is no guarantee of riches or a future.

Essentially,, you persue stated 'dream' as a hobby and, if you're good (employable) you can quit your rat-race job and earn a living.

DJs are lucky. Unlike bands they can compose in headphones and don't need to hire rehearsal rooms to make noise in.

No recording studios. They're their own producers and can download their wares from decks and sequencers directly onto a USB stick. Burn albums onto CD. The only outlay the cost of CDRs.

All that requires no more than equipment AT HOME.

No excuse for not working. No excuse for neglecting his family and responsibilities.

Get a job. Persue dream from home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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