# Where do I go from here??



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

I have visited this sight many times hoping to find those who are in the same shoes as myself and have found the nerve to finally join and prepped myself for the negative and positive feed back, so here it goes! 
For the past 6 years I have been dealing with a poor sexual relationship with my spouse. My spouse is very LD and I am very HD. My spouse is a great guy, supportive, caring, loving, funny over all besides the sex our relationship is great. Its like my spouse doesn't have a sex drive, there have been many accounts that I have approached him or made advances to only get rejected. If he does finally give in to my advances it's either I have complained or made out with him for an hour. And when he gives in, he lays there and does nothing and I just give up cause there is no passion, spark or any kind of desire at all.
I cant count how many times I have told him how much it bothers me that he makes no effort to fix our lack of a sex life. He keeps telling me over and over again he listens to me and hears what I say but doesn't show any effort in doing a thing to fix it. I bought the book "sexless marriage" and we read it together and a number of times I cried through that book cause it described exactly how I felt and gave me a little insight to how he is. We talked about it..but as many, many times before things get better and then die off. Its a repeating circle that I don't think I can take anymore. I have moved to the other room to try to show him I was serious, brought up separating only to have him in tears begging me to stay. I do only hoping things will change and they never do.
I put myself in counseling cause I thought there was a problem with me or something I was doing wrong so I could fix it. I stopped counseling after 9 months cause all I did was consistently talk about how my spouse seems he has no desire to touch me, make love to me, he would be much happier with us sitting on the couch watching ESPN rather then making love. There have been times I have wore lingerie to have him ask why I am wearing it, I will go to bed naked or in something sexy to get no response or any form of advance's unless I make them. 
I just don't know what to do anymore. I know in marriage you have to take the good with the bad, but I didn't sign up for a roommate relationship either! I have accepted things wont change no matter what I do or what I try. 
I don't get compliments from him, I told him its very hard to be sexy or even beautiful for him when he never says anything. 
Im so torn, he grew up in a family where compliments were assumed, no love shared and communication was nill to non so I know that has something to do with his lack of communication and other things I have mentioned. He refuses counseling and doesn't think anything is wrong till I talk to him about it. Its almost come to be a daily conversation, where I repeat myself and he just listens! I love the man with all my heart and would hate to let this marriage go cause like I said our relationship is great but the part I crave the most..intimacy, passion, spark just isn't there...! Help!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married? What was your sex life like before marriage and in early marriage?

Since you have been talking to him quite a bit, telling him what you need and he does not respond or care enough to make changes I guess you have two choices.

1) Accept what you have. If you do this stop talking about it. You would be making a decision to accept what he does not offer.

2) Leave.

I would chose to leave. 

Your husband is either low drive and clueless or he is passive aggressive and doing this as a way to punish and control you. 

There is another book that covers this topic from a different angle.. 

_Why Men Stop Having Sex _by Bob Berkowitz and Susan Yager-Berkowitz

It's based on interviews and surveys of 4000 men and women in relationships in which the husband is the one who withholds sex. It's topic that we seldom hear about. But men are as likely to withhold sex as women are.


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I wish it didn't come down to two choices you don't want - but it really does.

There are some half choices as well. 

However nothing is likely to solve your issues in this relationship to the degree to which you desire. 

You can live with the void. You can repartner.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

The odds that he will turn this around are slim, I'm afraid. It's been 6 years, and you have to pretty much beg him to have vanilla sex in which he doesn't participate.

Unfortunately, my advice is to walk, and sooner, rather than later. You will find a more suitable partner sometime down the road, and you will wonder why you spent 6 (7, 8, 9?) years with a man who didn't think you worthy enough to make an effort with the most basic of human needs.

If he has no desire, there's a reason. That he hasn't attempted to figure it out yet indicates that it's a non-issue to him. That it's a huge issue to you, and he hasn't/won't at least try to figure it out... well, draw your own conclusions. He doesn't care.

I'm sure he's a great guy in every other way, but that's not enough.

Don't stick around long enough that it turns into you having an affair and leaving him for another man. That's even more hurtful to him than you leaving him now.


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

Thank you for the response's everyone and has only confirmed what I have thought for yours..either I stay or leave. I talked with him again last night as I do most every day and ask why he doesn't have a sex drive, is there something with me he doesn't find sexy or attractive or what is it. Once again he stared at me and listened to me which only upset me more! So I told him I want a separation, he started to tear up and for once I looked past the tears and thought of what I wanted! I told him its a basic human need to want to have sex and he has done nothing to figure out why he has no drive. On top of that with the tools and ideas I have given him and basically told him what to do he has done NOTHING! 
His idea to make it up to me as it always is..he attempts to make a move. I just don't understand why it takes me literally yelling at him at the top of my voice to get him to understand! He ask's why I bring it up so much and says " I don't have the type of sex drive you do" and my response always is.. "YOU DONT HAVE A SEX DRIVE" 
I told him I cant emotionally, mentally or physically do this anymore. I told him he needs to figure out what he is going to do and how he is gonna do it but from this point forward he is one his own! I took my ring off and told him that I will be opening an account on my own so don't be surprised and he can cook his own dinner and do his own laundry. 
I have brought up sex therapy but that is beyond expensive but often wonder if its our final saving grace, but like I said before he hasn't changed, he wont change!


----------



## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

Hm, this is really interesting. so your husband love your right? But he can t show you that love in bedroom? Are you totally sure that you are sexually attractive for him?
When you told that he grow in family where they don t share any love, try to talk with their family about that. 
Or simply leave, for someone is sex more important than for others, It seems that you really like it and you need it.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Has he had his T count checked lately? A low T count maybe a reason why he has no desire. Has he had any problems preforming in the bedroom? That maybe another reason why he isn't interested, because he is embarrassed. It seems like most men who aren't interested in sex on this board have one or both of these problems. Wait until he goes to the Dr before you decide to separate to make sure it isn't a medical problem.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Chances are that he is just naturally LD and this will not change, even with a lot of effort on his part.

You need to really focus on what you need and do it.

Thank you for sharing your story here. It helps people to see that MEN many times are the LD or withholding partner in sexless marriages.


----------



## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I was going to bring that up. A low Test count will have huge negative effects. 
Will he go to a doctor. Is he over weight ? 
Diet and what you eat is big too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

My husband has had his T count checked that was after years of asking him to get it checked! It was fine, no problems there. I know he does get self conscious cause he does "lose it" so to speak and I have tried encouraging him to bring that up to the doctor but he is embarrassed. I'm a nurse and told him this is a very common thing for men and I see plenty of patients who have ED. He also cant have an orgasm, I have tried and tried and tried to get him there but with no reward! He is no where near over weight and is rather healthy with the exception of high blood pressure and some slight depression which he takes medication for. I know that affects his libido..but this libido issue was around before those pills came into play
While that may be some of the under lying issue as to why he is the way he is and is no excuse as to why he hasn't don't anything to fix it or find out why! I have heard the excuses, many times over, given suggestions, gotten toys, encouraged him to watch porn with me! But like every other time..its just goes in a circle he does things to please me and then lets it go like its no big deal!
My husband is also very inexperienced in the bed room, its like he doesn't know what he is doing! Its like he doesn't know how to use it.. foreplay is foreign to him, when I have tried to explain it, show him, encourage him, tell him what he is doing right, I mean we have been married 8 years and w/ in the last 6 months he has only started to slide his hands between my legs! 
Its like sex is taboo you don't talk about it, cause he tries to change the subject but yet says he is listening to me or turns it into a joke! I don't get oral at all..its almost like it disgust him, but yet I give every time, but have sense stopped in the last month. 
I have told asked him today if he is willing to try sex counseling and he has agreed to it:smthumbup:! So I am hoping to hear back from them soon. I plan to open my own account at the bank tomarrow and he is well aware he is doing his own laundry and cooking for him self from now on! I told him he is on his own .... we will see how he does!


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Any culture or religion or upbringing issues? Controlling parents?

The inexperienced part is a bit strange...


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

He sounds generally uncomfortable with sex. I believe it will take some intensive counselling to figure out the source of the issue and enable him to relax. If he can figure that out though I bet every aspect of it will improve.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Some things aren't worth fixing - if they can even be fixed, and in this case, I'd say this can't.


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> He sounds generally uncomfortable with sex. I believe it will take some intensive counselling to figure out the source of the issue and enable him to relax. If he can figure that out though I bet every aspect of it will improve.


Thank you, I am hoping through counseling things will open up and I will have a better understanding as to why he is the way he is.


----------



## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

I could've written your post myself a while back (it's why I joined this forum!). 

My exhb was LD/ND and after many years of him not acknowledging we had a problem in the relationship due to hardly any sex, I finally decided to separate. I struggled with feeling so selfish because he is an amazing man and I thought other then the lack of sex, we had a good marriage and who would leave a marriage just over lack of sex?! In hindsight the lack of sex and intimacy caused other problems because his lack of interest in the pain it caused me over the years built resentment in me which made me become quite an angry person which wasn't me at all.

The fact that he is willing to go to counseling is a great sign that things may work out for you but if he makes excuses and never ends up going, it's inevitable that your sexual incompatibility will see you part ways. I'm happy to say that even though we are now recently divorced, we are still good friends, seeing each other regularly as we have a small child and I am living with my wonderful bf, getting what I thought I'd never get again! Best of luck.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

BTDT and got the emotional scars to prove it. OP I would not hold my breath that there will be any improvement, good on you for trying though.

I got out after wasting too many years with a LD, emotionally stunted man. 5 years down the track and now with a man that is a perfect match for me, life is blissful.


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

Well I have set up counseling and he is going w/ me:smthumbup:. He is interested in what the lady has to say and hopes that she will have suggestions on how to improve things... UMMMM I have been doing that for years! But anywho... he did make a good point last night after talking to him and having him listen with no reaction AGAIN!... I told him it makes me angry, frustrates me and down right just sets my blood boiling cause all he does is listen and never responds! He finally sat and admitted we had a communication problem...Im on one end and he is at another. He said my expectations are to high and he is afraid of not being able to meet them. He feels that when I get angry he cant talk to me cause I already so upset I shut him out! He said what I already know, he doesn't like to be yelled at cause it feels like he is being talked down to and it shuts him down and pushes him away from me. That is defiantly information I can work with.
I just feel after talking with him for so long and doing everything I can to fix this with out him admitting there is an issue I tend to think everything is an excuse that comes out of his mouth! He doesn't want to admit there is an issue in the intimacy department, he says its lack of "experience" Or he doesn't know what to do... I told him over and over what to do what I like, told him to google things and NOTHING! I told him im tired of him not putting an effort into this, I cant do this on my own and expect results. Its like he wants a book of instructions and me to hold his hand through it all! I feel more like his mother then has wife at times and find myself asking my self "really, do I really have to do this?"
I told him the only reason I think he is going to counseling with me is to make me happy to shut me up and hope I'll stop nagging him. I told him if this is the case I will cancel it and contact a lawyer for legal separation, cause I wont put myself through this emotional turmoil anymore! He responded that he has been asked by his doctor a number of times to see a psych doc in the past due to his depression and low self esteem and has denied it every single time but with him agreeing to go to sex therapy should say something. Honestly it does say a lot! I just want a ray of hope for a change... just something that will say this is going to be ok! I guess time will tell!


----------



## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

You sound very angry with your mate almost like you don't respect him. Are you sure you want to be with him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Bublyme77 said:


> I know he does get self conscious cause he does "lose it" so to speak and I have tried encouraging him to bring that up to the doctor but he is embarrassed.


set up an appointment with an ED doctor, and go to the appointment with him. YOU explain to the doctor what is going on, and don't leave without a script for Viagra/Levitra/Cialis. There might be other reasons he has ED trouble. Maybe he is taking some other drugs? Antidepressants, some allergy medicines, work against having a hard Johnson. In fact, they use sudafed tabs to bring DOWN a stuck erection! 

What i think is really going on, he has ED, and is ashamed that he can not perform. So subconciously his mind is making him avoid any situation where he is asked to perform sexually.

I am not a shrink, but you need to work on his mind somehow. Maybe get some sex toys, and make him use them on you, and you go WAY out of your way to express how good of an orgasm he gave you that way. that way he at least has an out to please you if his member looses its hardness part way thru. And by all means, if he has a deflation...treat it with humor...like "oh well, lets try something else dear"


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

As I read this I have to wonder......Could it be he is just not in to women? With his upbringing, the alternative wouldn't be tolerated by his family.


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

This is what pisses me off about this sight. I am a married man with those issues from time to time. Then I read this and loose it. LOL a married woman with a HD!!! I just don't get it. But what happens to a marriage when both are HD?


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

homedepot said:


> But what happens to a marriage when both are HD?


Same as if they're both LD...they live happily ever after.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

T levels in men should be in the 700-900 range. Minimum is 550 to avoid major health issues. Estradiol needs to be 20-30. 

Check it out and remember, Doctors know next to nothing about hormone balance for men or women.

Search www.lef.org for lots of info in this and other areas.


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

homedepot said:


> This is what pisses me off about this sight. I am a married man with those issues from time to time. Then I read this and loose it. LOL a married woman with a HD!!! I just don't get it. But what happens to a marriage when both are HD?


Do you care to expand on this..? Most men happen to be HD and woman LD, is it strange to read of a woman who craves to be intimate w/ her spouse more then the spouse wants to be with me, Im trying to find the "LOL" in that?


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

Q tip said:


> T levels in men should be in the 700-900 range. Minimum is 550 to avoid major health issues. Estradiol needs to be 20-30.
> 
> Check it out and remember, Doctors know next to nothing about hormone balance for men or women.
> 
> Search Highest Quality Vitamins And Supplements - Life Extension for lots of info in this and other areas.


 Thank you for the link, but my earlier post stated his T level is fine..


----------



## botti (May 28, 2014)

Bublyme77 said:


> I have visited this sight many times hoping to find those who are in the same shoes as myself and have found the nerve to finally join and prepped myself for the negative and positive feed back, so here it goes!
> ........ I love the man with all my heart and would hate to let this marriage go cause like I said our relationship is great but the part I crave the most..intimacy, passion, spark just isn't there...! Help!


I could have written this same exact post a hundred times. I am sending a giant hug.

In my case, my husband turned out to be a deeply closeted gay man. 

But before then, I actually found a lot of help on Christian women's forums catering to HD/LD couples. I employed tactics to help me preserve my self-respect and see other ways to find satisfaction that did NOT include an affair. The irony being that my husband and I were closer than ever when I discovered his secret life. But enough about me....

Do not have an affair! You can never undo that! If he is truly just LD, then there are ways to improve things for both of you. I definitely say that he has to be on board with meeting your needs as much as you need to be on board with cultivating a fair expectation of what he can deliver.

Good luck!


----------



## Bublyme77 (May 26, 2014)

Well counseling for us has started... The first one went really well and was given 2 home work assignments. One was to read a book, which we are reading together the other a non-sexual massage. My spouse and I both loved the massage so we have done it twice in the past week. Set the mood by shutting lights off lighting some candles shut off the phones and just left worries at the bedroom door. I have discovered that my husband is absolutely amazing at a massage! It took 11 years and a home work assignment to some lady were gonna pay tons of money to, to find that out! 
We have been working on the basic of sex since my spouse is very inexperienced and has a lot of misconceptions of sex. So I have had to play teacher which is driving me crazy. He is trying so am happy to see that. He isn't rejecting my sexual advances and have had sex 3 times in the past week. BUT..always a "but" we have come down to the conclusion that the actualy intercourse is a huge problem. Its like he doesn't know what he is doing and has left me very unsatisfied and I did tell him that. I have no idea how to tell him to move his " stuff" to make it feel good so I am at a total loss to how to teach him that. He wants to satisfy me and often does in other ways..but he has no clue how to use his penis!!!!!!!!! HELP....


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

What is it that he is doing with his penis that is so unsatisfying? I would think that part is kind of intuitive. It's the other stuff like oral and manual that most people need to learn about to do well.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bublyme77 said:


> Do you care to expand on this..? Most men happen to be HD and woman LD, is it strange to read of a woman who craves to be intimate w/ her spouse more then the spouse wants to be with me, Im trying to find the "LOL" in that?


It's actually not strange at all for a woman to have a higher drive than her husband.

It's also not strange for a man to not want sex and withhold it, even for long periods of them.

Men withhold sex at about the same rate as women do.


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

Bublyme77 said:


> Do you care to expand on this..? Most men happen to be HD and woman LD, is it strange to read of a woman who craves to be intimate w/ her spouse more then the spouse wants to be with me, Im trying to find the "LOL" in that?




It's funny because a lot of Married men crave for more sex from there spouse. In her case it's the other way around. I don't know any man who has that luxury of a HD wife.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A few are, but a lot less typical than the other way around.


----------

