# Husband thinks wife is overcontrolling



## mywitsend (Oct 28, 2009)

My husband and I have been married for 16 years, together for 17. We have survived my ex and son, his 2 exes, and 5 kids, we have a daughter together. I thought things would be better when all the stepkids grew up, expcept one will never grow up, she is 35 with a 5 year old mentality. Her mother took drugs while pregnant with her. We have the 35 yr old at least once a month, it was more when we lived closer. We have moved from Delaware to Florida a year ago. My husband never lets me know when he makes plans with his ex for the daughter to visit, He always tells me after the plans are made, when he is flying to pick her up, and how long she is staying. I have only flown up with him once to visit his other kids and grandkids. We usually don't have the money for both of us, or he just doesn't ask me to go. We usually don't have plans, but it would be nice to be asked if we do, and asked if its ok if she spends a month with us. I am the primary caretaker of her when she is with us. I make sure she gets her meds, takes shower, brushes teeth, fixes her food. It's a tiring job, and a month is a long time. The only time my husband spends with her is a few hours after work and weekends. For the past 16 years I have helped with her, and I don't have a problem with her staying with us, just a problem with my husband flying to get her whenever her mother wants, and me not being in the decision making. I'm good enough to take care of her for them, but not good enough to be asked if its ok, whats that? This may sound familiar, I accidently posted it in the Guidelines.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It's very inconsiderate and disrespectful for him to schedule these visits without including you in the planning as his daughter clearly needs a lot of help when she is there. I don't blame you for being frustrated with the situation. Have you talked to him about it?

IMO, he should be grateful that you are willing to care for her and at minimum plan the visits together. If her mom is planning them whenever she feels she needs a break, that should stop and it might help to have a strict visitation schedule in place so that you can all plan your lives accordingly.


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## Lostandconfused (Jul 6, 2009)

WOW!

If you have talked to him about it, and I assume you have since the title of the thread is "Husband thinks wife is overcontrolling", I'd let him know, up front, the following:

Honey, the next time you schedule, without my prior agreement and involvement in the decision, for your daughter to come visit for "said amount of time" then I will be taking a vacation during that time and staying with family. She will then be YOUR responsibility to care for. IF, I am not important enough to include in the decision process, then I'm not willing to take care of her for you. Love you much, but you now can choose how you want to proceed. Thanks!

Then do it. It now becomes his choice whether he wants to include you. You've just set your boundaries. Simple but effective, I'd say.

Just my $0.02.
Lost


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Nicely put Lost...my thoughts exactly.


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## mywitsend (Oct 28, 2009)

Dear Swedish, and Lost and Confused, Thank You so much for your input. I talked to my husband until I was blue in the face. He just never seemed to get it. Then finally I told him I was thinking about leaving. That got his attention, (I hope). We are just finishing up a 2 week visit with daughter. I guess we will see if he listened to me within the next few months. Thanks again for your confirmation that I'm not being controlling.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Maybe its time to let him take all those responsibilites on in her care. Make a list for him and find a way to not be there, so he can see how much work it is.
You can maybe go visit someone for a few days.

I know thats harsh but the definition of insanity is to keep doing something over and over the same way and expect a different result............ maybe time to change your ways. No more talking until your blue in the face.... just let him handle it... all of it... himself.


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