# He's traveling again...



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

His As didn't only happen when traveling, and I don't think he will betray THIS time. But every time he travels I am filled with hurt and anger about the past. 

I feel the decisions he makes are selfish, and I end in such a negative place that I can't get out of the gloom. 

Seriously, today I was pursuading myself that I'm out. Done. Can't do it anymore. Swore that when he fit in the time to text me (that's right, only text me when he knows how ****ty I feel about him traveling???) I swore I wouldn't respond. But I did. Damn it. 

I'm a mess when he travels. My number 1 rule when his past was discovered was that he wouldn't travel alone anymore. Reasons beyond control prevented me from going this time.

He could have come back already, but he is only thinking of his own interests and conveniences. I'm a mess. 

Somebody calm me down. I have been explaining my anxiety - he knows it, but puts it in second, third, maybe last place on his list. I'm feeling VERY doormat-ish right now. 

My anxiety is NOT about him cheating right now. Its about me being alone and having to only think about his past. I used to be able to do this distance thing just fine. Then, when my world crashed my ability ceased. NO more. 

But everytime I talk to him there is some form of negative energy coming from me. And I am SICK at the thought of pushing him away. By that I mean I'm sick that I have to feel that way, while it should be the other way around. With all he's done to me HE should be bending over backwards to make me feel secure, loved. I should feel his presence just as much as if he were right next to me. 

This sucks. I can't do this. Someone, please calm me down. I have no husband right now. I'm feeling totally alone. Doormat.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hope you've done something for yourself since you posted. Exercise is a good one. Or yoga.

What has changed since he stopped the affairs? What has HE changed? If nothing, then I'd say it's time to sit down with him and tell him how close to the edge you are over it.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

stillINshock said:


> His As didn't only happen when traveling, and I don't think he will betray THIS time. But every time he travels I am filled with hurt and anger about the past.
> 
> I feel the decisions he makes are selfish, and I end in such a negative place that I can't get out of the gloom.
> 
> ...


Sorry you feel this way. I had a bad week this week too BUT no fault of my H. It was me. I was the one that kept going back and thinking, recreating, going back there. Not him. 

SO, I understand the having him away part - totally get that. HOwever, besides traveling has your H done anything to truly deserve this anxiety from you? (besides his past As) I mean recently? What I am saying is this - is he getting past and moving on but you're not? If so, then this is about YOU not him.

Not saying this to be harsh - actually speaking to myself at the same time I am posting here. You can't keep getting like this because you're right, as you said it just pushes him away. You need to be the wonderful woman he loves and wants to be around NOT the crazy person who's questioning his every move. 

Back before my H had his A and we were having mariage issues. He would purposely take the longest way home because he knew what he was coming home to. This raving B**ch that was going to chew his a** for something. (his words/thoughts) So, I on the other hand used to "stew" about it waiting and getting madder and madder. It was a vicious circle. Don't let that happen.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks both.
He has been (basically) wonderful since all was revealed. And yes it is all ME thinking about the past. He is all about the future. Please keep reminding me. Please keep pushing me away from feeling like the doormat. Thank you thank you. Don't let me go back there. Forward.
He and I are having a phone date to night (rated G kind) to talk - in positiives about "LOVE BUSTERS" He agreed and I thik we are both in a happy place. 
I just HATE the night time. 
Thanks for being here for me. Keep me positive. Get me through it.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

TRUST ME - I know it's easier said than done. 

You're right - only forward, no living in the past. What's done is done. Just moving on to better. 

Have a great "phone" date! 

BTW - who says you can't have a little PG-13 texting too???!!! That will make him want to come home even more!!


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

He's had a lot of practice in the PG and beyond texting category unfortunately. Grr. Don't want to create any flashbacks. Ok ok, future future future. 

So-so phone date. He didn't ready everything I'd asked. Made our conversation not as great as I'd hoped. He thinks I'm sending him guilt-maker stuff. Its actually really positive and uplifting. Something we both need reassurances in!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many men will refuse to 'go there' - IMO, from childhood and 'mommy' ruling them through guilt. Don't let him get away with that. Tell him you will not accept a marriage that doesn't involve looking at BOTH of your behaviors. Such a thing should only be fair.


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## MrsInPain (Feb 5, 2010)

stillINshock said:


> He's had a lot of practice in the PG and beyond texting category unfortunately. Grr. Don't want to create any flashbacks.


Oh my goodness, I know how that feels. I can't do or be a part of ANYTHING that reminds me. Texting, certain restaurants, hotels... even the house we used to live in his A was happening... I would purposely drive around it sometimes.

Maybe we do this to protect ourselves? 

Either way, I hope that those negative memories are fading. It sounds like your H is giving 110% now. Enjoy this whole new marriage! Focus on making _new_ memories!


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