# Am i too needy,unreasonable?



## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

My husband is away on a motorbike trip this weekend with other biker friends(i don’t share that interest) and we just had an argument over the phone this evening.It happened because i told him i was disappointed he had not contacted me all day till this evening.
I haven’t had the best week at work in my defense and the past two days he had been away he has called me and texted several times each day but not today...i have been feeling quite down over the past week due to issues at work and hoped to wake up this morning with a text or message from him but he didn’t and as the day went on i got more and more sad and resentful that i hadn’t heard from him and i even cried this afternoon.When he called this evening he realised i had the hump and asked why so i told him and he ended up getting angry even saying there’s no point coming home ,as he is dreading it already as i’m annoyed ,we argued and now both our evenings are ruined and i feel so tearful and guilty too that i have ruined his last evening away ?Was i being unreasonable?Would appreciate advice ...
Kind regards


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jaime trop said:


> ,,,the past two days he had been away he has called me and texted several times each day but not today...





Jaime trop said:


> ...hoped to wake up this morning with a text or message from him but he didn’t and as the day went on i got more and more sad and resentful that i hadn’t heard from him


Expectations .... they'll bite us in the butt every single time. He was contacting you several times a day. You expected him to do the same every day. He didn't. YOU were disappointed. Yeah, I think you were being unreasonable. OTOH him saying he's dreading coming home makes me sense there's more to this than a single incident of him failing to text/call you.

How old are both of you? How long have you been married?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

My advice.

When he comes home apologize to him. Let him know you were feeling down and you took it out on him. In this particular case you are coming off very clingy. I would take it as my wife not letting me breathe. 

No reason to let it escalate any further. I read the other day that one variable in successful relationships is having two forgiving partners.


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Expectations .... they'll bite us in the butt every single time. He was contacting you several times a day. You expected him to do the same every day. He didn't. YOU were disappointed. Yeah, I think you were being unreasonable. OTOH him saying he's dreading coming home makes me sense there's more to this than a single incident of him failing to text/call you.
> 
> How old are both of you? How long have you been married?


We are both 60 and have been together for 11 years and married for nearly 5


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

sideways said:


> My advice.
> 
> When he comes home apologize to him. Let him know you were feeling down and you took it out on him. In this particular case you are coming off very clingy. I would take it as my wife not letting me breathe.
> 
> ...


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> Expectations .... they'll bite us in the butt every single time. He was contacting you several times a day. You expected him to do the same every day. He didn't. YOU were disappointed. Yeah, I think you were being unreasonable. OTOH him saying he's dreading coming home makes me sense there's more to this than a single incident of him failing to text/call you.
> 
> How old are both of you? How long have you been married?


We are both 60 ,been together for 11 years and married for 5


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

How nice that *you *have to work while he gets to go on a 3-day playdate with his buddies.

And then when he's too busy playing with his friends and can't take a lousy 8 seconds to send a good morning text, he ****s all over you when you call him on it.

I'll admit the crying was overly needy, but his idiot reaction was over the top. And for God's sakes, stop feeling "guilty" claiming _you_ ruined HIS last playdate night. He sounds like a selfish jerk who's so busy making everything the ALL ABOUT HIM Show that he couldn't even stop and take 2 minutes to realize what a damned good wife you are for being agreeable to letting him go off for 3 days while *you* work and hold down the fort. Instead of having a little gratitude, he acted like a damned fool whining and moaning that he doesn't want to come home. I would have told his ass to stay gone if he was THAT upset about coming back. Pfffft.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

You shouldn’t be crying. You should be realizing he doesn’t care about you at all and making plans to move on. Then he never has to contact anyone about anything and can live his life without bothering to consider anyone’s feelings. Oh wait, he’s already doing that. Let him do it without you.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You shouldn’t be crying. You should be realizing he doesn’t care about you at all and making plans to move on. Then he never has to contact anyone about anything and can live his life without bothering to consider anyone’s feelings. Oh wait, he’s already doing that. Let him do it without you.


I think we all have different needs when it comes to what amount of contact we need with people. It sounds like you have different needs. Don't feel bad about yours. But if this is a pattern of him not meeting your needs, you either have to accept you are always going to feel hurt or find a different life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jaime trop said:


> My husband is away on a motorbike trip this weekend with other biker friends(i don’t share that interest) and we just had an argument over the phone this evening.It happened because i told him i was disappointed he had not contacted me all day till this evening.
> I haven’t had the best week at work in my defense and the past two days he had been away he has called me and texted several times each day but not today...i have been feeling quite down over the past week due to issues at work and hoped to wake up this morning with a text or message from him but he didn’t and as the day went on i got more and more sad and resentful that i hadn’t heard from him and i even cried this afternoon.When he called this evening he realised i had the hump and asked why so i told him and he ended up getting angry even saying there’s no point coming home ,as he is dreading it already as i’m annoyed ,we argued and now both our evenings are ruined and i feel so tearful and guilty too that i have ruined his last evening away ?Was i being unreasonable?Would appreciate advice ...
> Kind regards


Yes. Instead of being grateful that he contacted you frequently the other days you were focusing on this one day in which he did contact you. He's not psychic. Can't you let him enjoy his time off?

Apologize to him now so that he can enjoy the rest of his trip. I feel you begrudge him having any fun. Surely you can deal with your own problems for a few days.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If you are not like this all the time, but were having a bad day, give yourself a break. Do send him an apology text as soon as possible. Entice him home with an offer of his favorite meal or something but make sure he knows it's safe to come home because the argument isn't going to continue


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Some of these responses are ridiculous. 

So someone can't go on a trip (that their spouse does not want to go on) just because their spouse is working? Good lord. 

And he had "never cared about her" because he didn't text for ONE day? When he's on a trip with friends and very well just could have been busy?


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> If you are not like this all the time, but were having a bad day, give yourself a break. Do send him an apology text as soon as possible. Entice him home with an offer of his favorite meal or something but make sure he knows it's safe to come home because the argument isn't going to continue


I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Some of these responses are ridiculous.
> 
> So someone can't go on a trip (that their spouse does not want to go on) just because their spouse is working? Good lord.
> 
> And he had "never cared about her" because he didn't text for ONE day? When he's on a trip with friends and very well just could have been busy?


Lol i think if some of the people on here were marriage counselors the divorce rate would be off the chart !😂


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Jaime trop said:


> i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!


I _am_ a marriage counsellor, and the pattern in the quote above needs a bit of working on (from both sides!)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jaime trop said:


> I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


Don't bother him by wanting to have a talk about it while he's on the trip. Just apologize and tell him to have a good time and drop it. There's nothing to talk about.


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## Jaime trop (8 mo ago)

Laurentium said:


> I _am_ a marriage counsellor, and the pattern in the quote above needs a bit of working on (from both sides!)


Could you possibly elaborate please?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Don't bother him by wanting to have a talk about it while he's on the trip. Just apologize and tell him to have a good time and drop it. There's nothing to talk about.


I can’t change my answer above but I can admit I was wrong when I posted it. I agree here, you’re overreacting a bit. Sorry I gave such bad advice above.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Jaime trop said:


> I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


It's over. Don't talk about it again . . . ever. Seriously. 

Text him this: 

_Sorry about yesterday. I was having a bad day & took it out on you. I shouldn't have. Enjoy the rest of your trip. I'm making [his favorite meal] for dinner when you get home. Drive safely. Love you!_​
When he gets home say nothing about this. Say welcome home but don't go into this. Ask about the trip. Be light, breezy, welcoming & loving. 

A week or so before his next trip, talk about your expectations about how often he's going to call or text. Pack a love note in his bag without him knowing. 

It will be fine if you don't continue to poke at this sore spot when he walks in the door.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I think the fact that you husband "sulks" after an argument should be addressed. I also think your expectations weren't necessarily unreasonable. But you didn't tell him outright that you'd appreciate one text or phone call each day while he was gone.

Sounds like you two need to work on communicating more directly and effectively. 

JMO


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Jaime trop said:


> I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


Maybe this can serve as a teachable moment, as they say. I agree with others to apologize when he returns and just move on. But it sounds like your husband is a little passive aggressive? If you both own the areas you need to work on, I’m sure you’ll get better at communicating. A lot of poor communication in my opinion, comes from pride. Once you realize that you’re playing for the same team, life gets easier. 😌


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Jaime, do you and your husband have children?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

IMO you're being unreasonable. I wouldn't expect my husband to call/text me several times a day while away. When he was overseas for a month (for work), he called me once a day.

I do think couples should check in with each other daily, but not every 5 minutes. He was probably busy with his mates, let it go.

Send him a text, tell him you had a bad day and took it out on him and that you're sorry. Then DROP IT.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

If you had to work and you would not have wanted to go, why are you feeling like your missing out. I could see if he was going to Vegas or Cancun but this sounds like a trip with his riding buddies to do guy things and talk ****. You should encourage him to have that time with his buds. When he comes back, he will have missed you and be happy to see you.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Jaime trop said:


> i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!





Jaime trop said:


> Could you possibly elaborate please?


Sure. If he would be likely to not respond, and then that would "throw fuel on the fire" where you're concerned, then that can lead to a bit of a vicious circle, a spiral, where you each get more extreme in what you do. Him "not responding" and you on fire.

So the two of you need to discuss that in a calm moment. Name that pattern and acknowlege that you each play a role in it. Maybe each of you thinks that the way the other reacts is "automatically" wrong, and you don't acknowlege your own part in it to each other. Now, your quote above shows that you have good insight into how fuel gets thrown on your fire! You are in a good place to start.

If you can de-fuse that pattern, then questions about trips and texts can be sorted out between you without outside advice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It does sounds as if you are a little needy. He was probably busy doing stuff with his mates on his weekend break.
I definitely wouldn't expect contact several times a day in your position.
When Mr D went to Oz for 2 weeks some years back to see his ill mum, we just talked once a day. That was fine with me. He isn't one for texting anyway and that's fine too.
As others have said, apologise and don't mention it again.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You shouldn’t be crying. You should be realizing he doesn’t care about you at all and making plans to move on. Then he never has to contact anyone about anything and can live his life without bothering to consider anyone’s feelings. Oh wait, he’s already doing that. Let him do it without you.


I don't see how you got to this understanding as a hard fact from the info at hand.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Jaime trop said:


> I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


So you rationalized it's HIS fault you didn't send him a text to even say hello?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Next time, text him first by mid morning saying "hello"... problem solved...


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

What's done is done and you cannot go back and make it not happen, but you can set the course when he gets home. When he is to return, put on something cute, get all dolled up and give him a big hug when he walks in the door. Sit on his lap and let him know how much you missed him while he was gone. Make him glad that he came home to YOU. Then the next time he goes off with his friends, he will be thinking of you and looking forward to coming home again and will probably be texting and calling you more.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> How nice that *you *have to work while he gets to go on a 3-day playdate with his buddies.
> 
> And then when he's too busy playing with his friends and can't take a lousy 8 seconds to send a good morning text, he ****s all over you when you call him on it.
> 
> I'll admit the crying was overly needy, but his idiot reaction was over the top. And for God's sakes, stop feeling "guilty" claiming _you_ ruined HIS last playdate night. He sounds like a selfish jerk who's so busy making everything the ALL ABOUT HIM Show that he couldn't even stop and take 2 minutes to realize what a damned good wife you are for being agreeable to letting him go off for 3 days while *you* work and hold down the fort. Instead of having a little gratitude, he acted like a damned fool whining and moaning that he doesn't want to come home. I would have told his ass to stay gone if he was THAT upset about coming back. Pfffft.


Are we avin' a bum day, birdy?


_King Brian-_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

In Absentia said:


> Next time, text him first by mid morning saying "hello"... problem solved...


Hey, absen-mindid!

Deed ya up-an chenge flags un' us?
Deed ya chenge aye-lands?


_Gwendolyn-_


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I can’t change my answer above but I can admit I was wrong when I posted it. I agree here, you’re overreacting a bit. Sorry I gave such bad advice above.


To your credit mostly you're spot on and I agree with your views on M and life but this one did seem to get too funky too fast. But we've all been there. I've been mistaken here and there I'm sure speaking for myself.

No worries carry on! I enjoy your posts. 
We all know that's what matters most! (Humor btw).


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Hey, absen-mindid!
> 
> Deed ya up-an chenge flags un' us?
> Deed ya chenge aye-lands?
> ...


Yes, just a short break and enjoying my pizza-eating time very much!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Sure. If he would be likely to not respond, and then that would "throw fuel on the fire" where you're concerned, then that can lead to a bit of a vicious circle, a spiral, where you each get more extreme in what you do. Him "not responding" and you on fire.
> 
> So the two of you need to discuss that in a calm moment. Name that pattern and acknowlege that you each play a role in it. Maybe each of you thinks that the way the other reacts is "automatically" wrong, and you don't acknowlege your own part in it to each other. Now, your quote above shows that you have good insight into how fuel gets thrown on your fire! You are in a good place to start.
> 
> If you can de-fuse that pattern, then questions about trips and texts can be sorted out between you without outside advice.


Great advice. Neither of you reacted well.
A loving husband would ask “what’s bothering you sweetie” and apologize because of how he made you feel, not for what he did wrong.
You for having expectations he can’t foresee.
You want a call? Text him, honey I’m having a bad day and need to hear your voice.”
You both leave the convo happy.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Jaime trop said:


> I was going to text him tonight and say it was never my intention to spoil his trip away but i know how sulky he is after we argue so he would just not respond ie ignore me and i feel that would throw more fuel on the fire where i’m concerned!We don’t communicate very well in these situations ie i would want to talk about it and he would not😢or not straight away anyway


If he was on a long ride, there would NOT have been any time for him to text you -- riding requires concentration.
I DO think that you let your bad day get to you and it resulted in you lashing out at him.
HOWEVER, I think HIS response was way over the top -- not coming home because you were upset? I realize he got mad back at you, but that sort of answer is pretty infantile (and yes, we ALL say stuff we don't really mean when mad).

I WOULD suggest that maybe you get some counseling on how to improve your communications so this type of tit-for-tat doesn't happen anymore (NOT for this particular instance -- just in general to improve communications).


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you're needy and, yes, he sulks. You both need to work on that.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Here is a little food for thought.....absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let him have his guy time and you go do you and when you guys get back together perhaps you will have had enough time to miss each other.


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## Big_Jim59 (Apr 14, 2019)

Boy, this brings back memories. I too ride motorcycles. I might get one chance to ride with some old friends every two or three years. There was always one constant in all my trips. Someone family member would try and ruin it. I guess it's something that has to happen.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You have to remember that texting works both ways. There's no reason why you couldn't have texted him mid-day saying you were having a rough day and would love to hear from him to cheer you up. I bet he would have as soon as he saw that.


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