# My husband's inferiority complex.



## mybrokenwings

I was introduced to my husband through my mother. He is a distant family friends of mine and she somehow convinced me that he is the right guy for me. From his side, his father convinced him that he should consider marrying me and he would prefer that my husband abides his advice. 

Before marrying my husband, I had been left hurt and broken by my ex-boyfriend of 5 years. So when my mother set me up with my husband, I accept I didn't give it much though and just went on with it. 

We got married within an year of meeting each other. One month into our marriage, our personality started to clash a hell lot and he tried to make me more submissive towards him. When he realized I expected equality rather than submission, he started to withdraw completely. Its been 6 months to our marriage and we haven't slept together for the past 3 months. 

Last month I finally decided to give my best shot and change myself where I can. And I asked him what he would like me to change about me. To which he said I feel suppressed when with you (I'm more educated than him and I work at a higher position) and he wants me to come to his level of confidence and lose my confidence because for him that seems like a bad attitude. He said I should be more submissive and say yes to things he want us to do and if he is wrong, I shouldn't correct him. 

This week I realised this marriage was the biggest mistake of my life because I am losing my true self and I'm going into depression. I feel like he isn't willing to accept me as I am and just wants me to change myself completely so that I suit him better. Recent;y I have started to have suicidal thoughts because I am so unhappy and miserable with him. I don'e feel loved or respected at all; I just feel the pressure to change my self for this marriage to work. 

I asked for divorce this week. To which he first agreed and the very next day he said he wants to make this work because he's too scared about what might happen to him once this gets over. He said he feels too scared to take that decision and he just rather keep this marriage going, hoping that things will smooth out by themselves. 

I told I am going to give this marriage one month with the last shot. And I will give it all I have, if he is willing to accept me as I am. He said one month is too less and relationships take time to get better. And he doesn't want to get out this because he fears it'll affect his reputation among his friends and family. so it's still about him and his reputation and not about us. 

In the end he did agree to the one month. And I am giving this one month to see if he is really willing to make this worth for us. But inside it's killing me and I can't stand him even for a minute. 

Was it a mistake giving this failed marriage another shot just for the heck of it?


----------



## Omego

Yes, it was a mistake. I assume your are young and felt pressured into marrying him. He has his own problems to deal with. Do not let his problems become yours.

Try to cut yourself loose from this person as amicably as possible because he sounds unstable and immature.


----------



## thejenweaver

No I don't think it was a mistake to give your marriage another chance. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but the book _Love and Respect_ is incredible and it sounds like it may help in your situation—even if you're not of the same religion.

I'm sorry you're going through this!


----------



## Keenwa

You cannot change yourself to please another person. If you are only 6 months into the marriage and feeling this way, then cut yourself loose and chalk it up to mistakes we make in life. There is a big difference between asking someone what they need, i.e. "I need to be hugged every morning", and to change yourself in order to cater to their inferiority issues. One is healthy and one is not, and a relationship is all about caring about the other person but staying true to your own limits and boundaries. If he feels inferior to you, then he has to work on himself unless you are putting him down or treating him poorly. 

Hope this helps!


----------



## PBear

What's he doing to work on HIS issues? Counseling, anything? If he's not actively working on himself or the two of you aren't actively working on the marriage, the month is a waste of time. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33

I don't think a month will change much. If you do not have kids together you both get a clean break. He has the chance to find his true love and so do you.


----------



## mybrokenwings

Thank you all for your feedback and advice, I really appreciate it. 

Omego - "Do not let his problems become yours'. This just the nail on the head and I feel like he is putting me down because his problems and issues. Thank you! 

thejenweaver - I gave this another shot so that we both know that we didn't take any rash decisions and came to our decision with a calmer mind. I'll try to get my hands on the book you recommended, thank you! 

Keenwa - I agree with you entirely. One can't change themselves to please another person. No, I'm not putting him down in any way. I am hurt by how he has treated me, I didn't feel loved or cared for in these 6 months. 

PBear - I went for counseling but he didn't. When I asked him to join me, he said if you are going you'll get the answers and the help you need. You can just come and tell me what the counselor said. I think this month is so that he knows I gave him a chance. I am trying to the best of my abilities, but only to an extent where I don't lose my true self. Thank you! 

richie33 - We don't have any kids. We aren't even sleeping in the same bed for past 3 months. I just want us both to be happy, but clearly we aren't happy in this marriage. Thank you!


----------



## Openminded

You can't dumb down to his level. And he won't accept you if you can't. He survived just fine before he met you and he will again.


----------



## mybrokenwings

Even though it has only been 2 days since my husband said he'll give his last shot. I feel like he is trying way too hard just because of the fear of what might happen to him after. And this is only pushing me farther away.

I'm scared of him now. I'm scared he'll pressurize me to stay in a marriage I do not want to anymore.


----------



## mybrokenwings

I think I have made up my mind now. I can't do this anymore and I can't continue with this marriage because just the idea of spending the rest of my life with him makes me sad. Not even once in these 6 months did I feel loved by him. Trying to give this another shot is emotionally draining me. 

I hope I'm not making a mistake. It's sometimes hard to know when to give up and when to keep trying harder.


----------



## imtamnew

Run forest run.

If it gets late its only you who is the loser. 

Even if everything works out you are still the loser.


----------



## mybrokenwings

im_tam said:


> Even if everything works out you are still the loser.


Can you please elaborate? I would like to know why you would think that? 

I am planning to leave though.


----------



## imtamnew

He will say everything will work. 5 years and two kids later he forgets these promises. What will you do?


----------



## mybrokenwings

im_tam said:


> He will say everything will work. 5 years and two kids later he forgets these promises. What will you do?


You do have a very valid point! Thank you im_tam!


----------



## mybrokenwings

I don't know how to tell him that it's over! Every time I try t talk to him, he doesn't respond at all. I feel he is being stubborn and rigid about saving this marriage, regardless of my happiness.


----------



## imtamnew

mybrokenwings said:


> I don't know how to tell him that it's over! Every time I try t talk to him, he doesn't respond at all. I feel he is being stubborn and rigid about saving this marriage, regardless of my happiness.


If you think about it...Isnt his inability to face a situation (any situation) the reason you want out.

A good spouse makes you realise your true potential and helps you strive towards it.

Some people dont want that. Such a person would be very happy with your husband.

I would recommend you read a novel by Ayn Rand. Atlas Shrugged.

It has nothing to do with marriage but is about not letting others define your self worth for you.


----------



## mybrokenwings

I finally did it. He says he needs a couple of weeks to mentally prepare himself start off the procedure. He was very resistant at first but then he saw that I am not willing to stay in it. 

I'm so scared now. I have no idea how my family will react. They are very traditional and religious.


----------



## Keenwa

Do you need to tell your family right away? Why don't you get your bearings first. It will be very hard to deal with their negativity when you are in such a fragile state. If you can avoid saying anything, give yourself some time to work things through, if you have any friends you know will support you, talk to them about it and ask for help.


----------



## PBear

mybrokenwings said:


> I finally did it. He says he needs a couple of weeks to mentally prepare himself start off the procedure. He was very resistant at first but then he saw that I am not willing to stay in it.
> 
> I'm so scared now. I have no idea how my family will react. They are very traditional and religious.


Brace yourself for a roller coaster ride...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mybrokenwings

Keenwa - I would need to face them because from where I come from, I just can't avoid confronting them. And when enlisting pros and cons, the only con for the divorce was facing my family and nothing else. 



PBear said:


> Brace yourself for a roller coaster ride...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Any tips or advice before I get on the roller coaster? Even though I know this is the right decision, I'm scared.


----------



## turnera

Just spend this time getting your plans ready and working with your lawyer. Tell him you're working with your lawyer. Let him do whatever he wants on his side. Just get it done. Once it's legal, it won't matter what he wants.

And you never know, he may rise to the occasion and start working on himself once he knows you're leaving.


----------



## PBear

My first piece of advice? Only pay attention to his actions. Ignore his words. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort

Please remember that he's not interested in saving the marriage, only keeping you in it. Big difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mybrokenwings

He has stopped talking to me and is giving me the silent treatment, making me feel guilty. When I asked him what his plan is, he said he first wants to change his job (He works at one of my father's many company's branches). He says he wants to secure a job and secure his family (he is responsible for his siblings expenses because they are apparently too young to earn). 

And when I asked him when does he plan to do all this? He angrily replied that I am pressurizing him by bringing up this topic time and again. I said I need to know so that I plan accordingly. 

I feel like he is only dragging the process and I feel emotionally tortured.


----------



## mybrokenwings

PBear said:


> My first piece of advice? Only pay attention to his actions. Ignore his words.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am doing just that. And his actions are no where close to the words coming out of his mouth.


----------



## turnera

mybrokenwings said:


> He has stopped talking to me and is giving me the silent treatment, making me feel guilty. When I asked him what his plan is, he said he first wants to change his job (He works at one of my father's many company's branches). He says he wants to secure a job and secure his family (he is responsible for his siblings expenses because they are apparently too young to earn).
> 
> And when I asked him when does he plan to do all this? He angrily replied that I am pressurizing him by bringing up this topic time and again. I said I need to know so that I plan accordingly.
> 
> I feel like he is only dragging the process and I feel emotionally tortured.


wings, STOP TALKING! Get a lawyer, and let the lawyer handle everything. There is NO benefit in you talking to him. Only chances for him to switch things around so you get screwed.


----------



## ScrambledEggs

mybrokenwings said:


> We got married within an year of meeting each other. One month into our marriage, our personality started to clash a hell lot and he tried to make me more submissive towards him. When he realized I expected equality rather than submission, he started to withdraw completely. Its been 6 months to our marriage and we haven't slept together for the past 3 months.
> 
> Last month I finally decided to give my best shot and change myself where I can. And I asked him what he would like me to change about me. To which he said I feel suppressed when with you (I'm more educated than him and I work at a higher position) and he wants me to come to his level of confidence and lose my confidence because for him that seems like a bad attitude. He said I should be more submissive and say yes to things he want us to do and if he is wrong, I shouldn't correct him.


While it looks like there is nothing that will save this marriage, I read this and don't wonder if you and your husband are struggling with dominance issues in your relationship. You have a strong personality and he has the desire for a strong personality, or at least desires the fruits of a strong personality, but does not know how to exert what he wants. He wants it to be given to him but it doesn't work that way. 

I like to think that couples can share and even trade dominance in a relationship but many psychologists think that, in most cases, one spouse or the other has to 'wear the pants'. Even in trivial matters such as what to watch on TV, where to go eat, ect.. 

I think what is key here is the expression of mutual respect. If correcting your spouse or getting your way is expressed over trivial matters and in petty ways, or if you hold them to a different standard than you practice, I don't think you will ever have a happy marriage(speaking generally not to you personally). That is putting a dominance game over respect. If you are fighting over the bigger decisions in life and can't find a way to collaborate or be decisive on that while still being respectful, then that is another matter. 

Good Luck


----------



## yolo62

Speaking from experience, I have a brother also with a severe case of inferiority complex. Some years ago. his girl friend broke up with him a few months after engagement. She could not put up with his unpredictable behaviour -at times very rigid (not a single word) and at times ugly outburst to show he was in charge or better than her. She was in fact better qualified and with a good paid job, except that she was not particularly attractive. 

My brother has since found it very difficult to meet anyone else and has fallen out with family members including myself. He has problem sitting down to have proper discussion or take advice from anyone else, as he is still stubbornly thinking he is always right! 

My advice is to cut your husband loose and get on with your own life, especially you two have not really enjoyed proper sex as a married couple should be. Good luck with the future!


----------



## mybrokenwings

Okay so my husband is just dragging the whole process. He says something one day and completely denies saying it the next day. He leaves no chance for me to feel guilty, even with no communication. 
I've realized now with my IC, that he is passive aggressive plus has an inferiority complex. 
Now how do I prove to the court or anyone for that matter, that he is passive aggressive and is inflicting emotional abuse on me? Please help somebody.


----------



## imtamnew

mybrokenwings said:


> Now how do I prove to the court or anyone for that matter, that he is passive aggressive and is inflicting emotional abuse on me? Please help somebody.


You don't need to prove to anyone.


----------



## turnera

The court couldn't care less if he is passive aggressive. All they care about is if there is an agreement to put a stamp on.


----------



## yolo62

As a matter of interest, did your parents know about this unhappy situation? What are your friends' opinions? Do you share a property mortgage together? If you think that there is really no long term peace and happiness with this guy, just be determined to end it once and for all - in a civilised manner. Let's hope he does not flip and gets violently out of control !

Good luck!


----------



## mybrokenwings

Thank you all for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

The problem is that I live in Dubai, and the laws here are very different. It isn't easy to get divorce unless the judge is absolutely certain that the marriage won't work. Especially if it's a woman asking for divorce. I've lived half of my life in Canada, and moved here for marriage. 

My husband went to my parents and told them how I have been pressurizing him for divorce and how the marriage is failing because of me. My parents are on my case now. In Dubai, if a husband files for divorce, he has to pay me for all the financial support. But if I file, all the financial support is waived off. And my family being very traditional, cares about the 'honor'. 

I'm stuck because the husband said to my parents he doesn't want a divorce but he won't talk to me. Instead he went behind my back and betrayed me; stabbed me in the back. He told me we'll mutually discuss it and end it but the very next day he went to my parents and dumped all the **** on me. 

I think I am going crazy. I have no idea what to do. My parents wont let me file for divorce. 

I just know I want out because I can't stand this man anymore.


----------



## yolo62

Your H knows exactly what he is doing - for financial reason and for getting your parents on his side to make life extremely difficult for you! At the end of the day, it's your life and your future happiness that matter most and you have to be decisive.

You are only married for a short period and with no children, I don't really understand why you worry so much about losing his financial support (after divorce)? Surely you are capable of moving back to Canada to earn yourself a living? In any case, after taking action to move out, your parents may come round to appreciate the serious nature of the problem and they may finally understand that your security and happiness are more important than so called "family honour" !

Good luck!


----------



## imtamnew

I do not know the way Islamic law is enforced Dubai...but Khula afaik does not need any one to authorize.
Khula is a divorce started by the wife. Talaq when its by the husband.


----------



## imtamnew

I am sorry..I did not realize that UAE has taken away the rights given by Allah to women.
Sad.


----------



## clipclop2

Are you a Canadian citizen? Can you return there? 

Is Dubai the only place that can grant you a divorce? 

If you were to just live apart, is there a point at which they would just Grant the divorce because of the amount off time that had passed with no change in the marriage? 

Since he has an ego issue, he will probably want to replace you to try to prove to everyone that he doesn't have a problem. If you continue to separate from him, he might make it easier on you than you think. He will have a better chance proving himself "worthy" by finding someone that wants to be with him than trying to keep someone who desperately wants to leave him. 

LOL! Got any girlfriends you can introduce him to?


----------



## turnera

Why can't you just leave?


----------



## mybrokenwings

I'm not a canadian citizen yet, but i have a valid PR so I can return whenever. 
I don't care about any financial support, but if I file a divorce case here the judge drags it but if my husband files it, it'll be over in days. 

My husband just dropped me at my parents' place, i have nowhere else to go and my parents won't let me go to the court either. He has disappeared since. Out of frustration i texted him saying "i'll never forgive you for what you did', to which he never replied. It's been more than 24 hours. 

I would just go to the court but first I want at least one of my parents to be on my side. My parents mean the world to me and he took advantage of that.


----------



## turnera

Sometimes you just have to do what's right for you, whether your parents back you or not. They are not you, they weren't living your life. So it's not up to them to choose for you. In the meantime, go ahead and tell them all he's done, but still make plans to go to court. Let them see you being strong, and they'll start supporting you.


----------



## mybrokenwings

Thank you turnera and everyone else for all the support. You guys have really helped me through this tough time. I've made up my mind and I'm not backing down, whatever he may try now. 

I'll be back with the final news soon, hopefully.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

If your parents will NOT go to court with you, then I would suggest you get a job (if possible), sell what you own, borrow from friends/relatives and MOVE BACK TO CANADA.

You can get a job there (provided you have the right kind of visa). 
You can support yourself there.
You can get into counseling there.
Find out how long you have to live there to file for divorce.
You can live there and earn enough money for your own Canadian divorce (if your STBXH hasn't filed/received one in Dubai by then).
Your parents can come visit you in Canada *if* they can be supportive of you.

.


----------



## imtamnew

I checked with a friend who had spent a considerable amount of time in Dubai.

The divorce when initiated by a man is fairly simple. But when a woman initiates it, a government appointed judge/ mediator tries to reason.
The woman is under no requirement to give a reason. She can simply refuse to discuss it. But the mediator will take upto 3 months to be satisfied that the woman has made up her mind.
The reasoning is that a woman might have gotten swayed or angry and some time might help cool her off.

If a woman is determined there is nothing to prevent a divorce initiated by her to not happen.
The only sad part is that its easier not as easy for a woman as it is for a man.

All the best.


----------



## mybrokenwings

SlowlyGettingWiser- My plan is to go to Canada but I was really hoping to end this before I go there and start my new life. I think I believe in miracles and I am really hoping that my husband just ends this marriage in the most civilized manner; without hurting any more people. 

im_tam- you have been very kind. Thank you so much for finding all that information, I didn't really know much to be honest. All I knew was Dubai court makes it hard for the woman to get a divorce but I had no idea that they drag it for 3 months! I am determined on my decision, I'm just trying to handle the situation in the best way possible. 
I am more than willing to waive off the financial support husband has to offer to his wife if he initiates the divorce, but he just isn't willing to talk to me. 

Thanks for all the support you all. Its strange how strangers across the internet can show so much support and compassion. Really means a lot.


----------



## clipclop2

Return to Canada. Life will be colder, but better. Brrrrr! ;-)


----------

