# she's not "in love" with me anymore



## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

My wife Dawn and I dated 1976-1978 in High school. I'm 54 she is 51. I grew up as an alcoholic since the fifth grade. At the time I thought it was normal. I grew up in Chicago. I let her down many times because of it, she met someone else and left me. I was devastated. Inn 1988 I became sober (and still am). And at that time I realized Dawn left me because of the alcohol. I wanted to apologize, but thought I would never see her again. She was the one I let get away.

Fast forward to 2009....with the development of the PC and social sites, I get a message on LinkedIn from Dawn! I can't explain how happy I was. And confused with feelings. She was planning to get divorced from a 15 year relationship. We wrote each other daily. I was torn, I was engaged to Roseann, a 10 year relationship. Long story short, we left our SO's got married and are living in my home.

Dawn is wonderful in a million ways. I am quiet and introverted, she is more outgoing which helps me. She helped me organize my life. She goes to my doctor appointments with me and asks questions. We're both religious Christians.. sex life is over top top best ever!! We found closure on the bad relationship in HS. Dawn helps me be a better person every day. I want to be with her forever.

2010....I lose my job. Never been unemployed before that. A month goes by and I got one offer. The job was in Florida with a former employer. At the time Dawns two children 18 and 20 at the time were still not set I life. Her daughter was living with her father. Her son was working part time and seasonal jobs and living with two roommates. My daughter 24 at the time as with a longtime boyfriend. They later were married. I felt it was too big of a chance to go to Florida while our kids were so young. Also, felt I wanted to see if I could get hired locally. Dawn wanted me to take the job. I decided not to take the job.

Long story short, over the next few years, I only had a couple of temporary 90 day employments. Dawn has had two full time jobs during this time. She's gown to resent me because I didn't take that Florida job. Also, she developed guilt for leaving her ex-husband. She says leaving was the right thing, she just has some guilt leaving him alone. Every day she is bitter. Our extraordinary sex life vanished. We have sex about once a week. She has ups and downs. Sometimes things are good for a while. Then bam, she thinks about me turning down the job and is bitter again. at one time she said she doesn't feel in love with me anymore. She doesn't initiate any contact or I love you's. No spooning! I give great back massages. She'll ask for a message, which calculates, I get sex. Most of the time we speak well and live well with each other but without her love back to me...I'm running out of options. I'm the type that likes to give a lot of love and affection and really feel sad and unloved at times. 

I can add a lot more, but this is my dilemma. I want her to let go of the Florida job rejection. Forgive and move on in life. Not working doesn't help that. Her son still depends on her a lot. He doesn't want a real full time job. If we moved to Florida, he would probably be living with us, which is not what I want. We've gone to some counseling. Neither of us go too much out of it. She say's she has come to terms with her guilt of leaving her ex-husband. 

ANY suggestions are welcome....thanks!


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

wow.....heck of a story. Life is quite a ride.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sounds like there are many issues here:

- grown kids that are still dependent on her (and you)
- inexplicable guilt over leaving her ex husband (not sure what this is about - why did they get divorced)
- her resentment over you turning the Florida job down (loss of respect for you that goes with it)
- lack of sex and affection from her (this maybe due to the previous point)
- your employment and financial situation (not helping gain her respect let alone love although "in sickness & in health, for richer or poorer" should apply)

You need to first determine if she has met somebody else or even hooked up with her ex. If this is the case, spending any time on resolving other issues is a waste of time.

Next you have to find out if anything else (besides your financial situation) is causing her to question her love for you - you may have missed something. You need to calmly ask her.

Finally you need to really focus on finding employment and upping your status & respect.

She needs to see a better you and you really need to find out what is really behind her behaviour and actions.

Good luck!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

There has been a lot of debate about whether a marriage can survive when the husband is economically under performing his wife. People have different opinions but no one says that it helps.

What profession are you in?

Are you still looking for work?

If you take some minimum wage jobs in the mean time would that harm your CV?

You may find it energizing to get out and work.

Don't whine, don't beg, don't be needy.

Are you overweight?

Workout. If you arms are muscular and your waist slim that may attract your wife. Search for Machiavelli's posts. He is the guru of subliminal signals.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Sounds like there are many issues here:
> 
> - grown kids that are still dependent on her (and you)
> - inexplicable guilt over leaving her ex husband (not sure what this is about - why did they get divorced)
> ...


I am 99% sure there is no communication between her and her ex. or, anyone else. 

After I turned that Florida job down, she was able to find work. 
I never expected that I wouldn't find employment. I knew it may take a couple months. I think every day she went to work she blamed it on me. If I would have taken the job she wouldn't be "forced" to work. She believed I saw it as a choice, either take the Florida or send her to work. In her mind, I chose sending her to work.

A large part of my decision was because of her son and her daughter. My daughter was fairly settled with a nice guy and married. But, yes, I would have missed her a bunch. She knows her son is lazy and has no ambition. If I were selfish, I would have taken the job in Florida. I felt leaving would have been irresponsible. 

Dawn left her marriage and married me a little over a year later. She rented a house. We got engaged. When her lease was up she wanted her daughter to live wither father. Her son was supposed to go with his fiancé to Florida where she would attend college. He was supposed to get a job out there so she could live off campus with him in an apartment. They dated for like four years. He broke up with her instead!! I don't think he was able to take on any responsibility. All the while Dawn was working he played video games, until we got married. He was forced to find roommates. HE is a large part of her guilt too. Dawn never really had time to adjust away from her prior marriage. At that time, I suggested she renew her lease for another year. She took that as rejection. I thought at the time, the Florida job offer was her desire to leave her kids was still part of her escape from her prior marriage. Both, her son and daughter were spoiled brats and acted that way. Dawn would agree to that statement. I think she wanted a clean break from everyone. Her ex and kids. The three of them was probably stressful for her. If I would have taken that job, in time, like her guilt for leaving her ex, would surface. She would be in Florida and she would feel guilty for leaving her son and daughter. I told her this was part of my decision and she says that's BS. She believes I rejected the job to stay near "my" daughter. I can't win.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> There has been a lot of debate about whether a marriage can survive when the husband is economically under performing his wife. People have different opinions but no one says that it helps.
> 
> What profession are you in?
> 
> ...


I have been a Claims Manager for a large insurance company in a specialty field. We insured Farms, Ranches, cattle, horses, zoo animals etc. Claims is the same no matter what field. You confirm the loss, apply the policy, and make a payment. Whether it auto or homeowners insurance, adjusting the claims is very similar in any field. The company I as with since 1997, sold out to another company. The buyer let me go one year later after the transition was complete. My salary was too high. They can hire two or three college kids out of school with the amount of salary I was making. Salary discussions with potential employers is difficult. Potential employers are hiring younger people for lower salaries. I know Ill never earn my old salary amount. Convincing them to pay me a median salary, by their standards, is a challenge. I have only had two temp positions,, each for 90 days. I spend endless hours sending resumes and searching online. 

I am still getting unemployment checks $650every two weeks. So, taking a position at Home Depot, I'd be making the same amount of money. 

Marrying the one I let get away was a gift from God. Having these stressors in our life is my worst nightmare. SHE was the one that got me to discuss emotions, be free to discuss everything together. And we do. And now trying to discuss these issues seems to go nowhere. I've learned from TAM forums some tips on not whining and don't be needy. Also to limit the affection, I love you's, texts, etc. Which is tough, because I know she liked that from me before this all happened. Actually, those tips do work. 

I am not overweight, 5'9 180#, I don't drink at all, don't smoke. she has gained some 30# since we married. We both love being outside, yard work, gardens, just being active. We take daily walks together almost daily. I keep cleaned and shaved everyday, it not like I gave up on life. I get up with her in the mornings and am online working on job searchs as she is leaving for work. I make sure I do this so to show her this because I don't want her to think I gave up. I do all the housework and prepare dinner for us. She likes doing the laundry so she does that. She likes cleaning house, much better than I do. I know she misses our roles. Me as the earner and she as the housekeeper. Sadly, that not in the forecast anytime soon. 

I think she has to sort out her emotions with her ex and her kids. I want her to understand why I chose not to take the Florida job. And, if I was right or wrong, to find forgiveness and allows herself to love me again. We have so much going for us in so many ways. And I know she sees it. That's why we have some good days. 

Thanks!


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

Here is what I am hearing.

1. You were offered a job in Florida.
2. Dawn said she wanted you to take it. She was OK with leaving her kids and moving to Florida.
3. You didn't take the job because YOU didn't want Dawn to leave her kids, or YOU thought she would eventually resent it. YOU didn't negotiate, YOU didn't believe her. And YOU didn't take into account that you are over 50 and it is very hard for someone that age to get a job, any job, these days.
4. Because of YOUR decision, Dawn is now working 2 jobs and is the sole provider for YOU. Every day that she goes to work and you stay home, she is reminded of the job you turned down and the situation you two are in. It was totally YOUR choice, she wanted you to take the job, but you chose not to believe her, you chose not to negotiate or compromise.

312cpl, you assumed Dawn would resent going to Florida, you are the one that assumed her kids needed her. They are Dawns kids, don't you think she should be the one to make those decisions? Why would you tell her what is best for her own kids? Why would you assume you know better than she does? Why didn't you trust her?

You are also projecting what she would have felt if she did move to Florida, but you don't know that. Why are you presuming to know how she might feel about something. You also said that you would have been selfish to take the job in Florida. There is nothing selfish about doing what you need to do to take care of your family. But there is something selfish about making important decision on your own and deciding what is best for others, even if they say differently.

Dawn is never going to get over this as long as the situation exists. Being reminded of it daily is not going to let her move past it. In addition to this, a woman naturally looses respect for a man that she has to support. It is a primitive, built in need for a woman to be with a man that can, and will, take care of us. We just naturally loose our respect and sexual desire for a man if he isn't fulfilling his role. It is something that is hard wired into us and we have no control over it. It is all fine and good that you have all this love to give, but you are not giving her what she really needs. It would be different if you were in an accident, got disabled, and things ended up this way. But you are here by choice (yes, I know it wasn't what you thought would happen), but it is still by choice - and your choice at that.

Is there any way you can get that job in Florida? Have you been looking at other jobs in other states?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If you got a job with Home Depot, you'd see many job opportunities internally. Home Depot surely has an insurance claim department. You might find yourself in a new but related job.

Is there a standard data program in your industry? Maybe you can go to course on the latest version. Good place network.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

312cpl said:


> I am still getting unemployment checks $650every two weeks. So, taking a position at Home Depot, I'd be making the same amount of money.
> 
> 
> > I am not sure how you are still getting unemployment checks. According to your post you have been out of work for 5+ years.
> ...


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

312cpl said:


> Marrying the one I let get away was a gift from God. Having these stressors in our life is my worst nightmare.


Since you brought up religion, the one you love was married to someone else. She left her husband to marry you. Perhaps that's why you're having consequences?

Maybe she's finding out that the grass isn't greener with you.

You reap what you sow. Good luck.


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## 312cpl (Jan 27, 2014)

Thanks everyone for the replies. 
I've been unemployed two years this month.
I have had two 90 day jobs during that period that allowed the unemployment to extend. 

Just Her...are you Dawn??! You are absolutely on target with what Dawn is saying. I agree there are many reasons that I should have taken the Florida job. The decision was very difficult. I struggled very much with that decision. Yes, I probably should have taken the job. I see it more clearly now. My marriage is more important than anything and always has been. Dawn had stretched me in many positive ways. I can't change what happened. I was a single father since 1999. my daughter was 12 when her mom and I divorced. I got custody. I put her through Catholic School and some College. During that time span I also took care of my mother in a nursing home 8 years until she passed. So, I'm not accustomed to walking away from those in need. I felt at that time that we would be walking away from her kids. That is where my mind was. I would have felt guilty. 

As far as religion goes. Dawn made it clear she was leaving her marriage and had nothing to do with me. She was leaving regardless if we got together. We both talk about religion almost every day. She has helped me grow so much as person, I think she was a gift from Him. Religion is a difficult subject to openly discuss. Too many differing opinions. Don't argue religion or politics.

I need to wrap this up for now. Thanks again for all the input.


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