# Solution to communication problems. Write letters



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

My wife and I after several failures talking because of side arguments about unartful wording and pet peaves and other silly but derailing habits made great strides writing each other letters. 

This offers a number of advantages over talking 

1. Hard copy
2. Nothing gets missed 
3. Time to think it over 
4. Less emtional 
5. One at a time issue dealing
6. awesome execution of Q and A 

Please dont derial the thread with off topic posts, Repeat Please dont derial the thread with off topic posts


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

I happen to agree with you. I think writing letters is so much easier sometimes a face to face conversation especially one that you might be a little bit uncomfortable with. I think letter writing offers a little bit more honesty as well. At least that is how I feel.


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## Mostine (Jul 8, 2013)

that's nice but i was wondering is it ok to go thru my husband's emails if i am suspecting him of cheating but he denies. i just want to get some closure.


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

I did this earlier this year. The conversation was gut wrenching and I knew I would lose my nerve and not get it all out if not. Worked for me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I am a note taker and letter writer, I can often struggle to be articulate face to face in difficult situations so letters are a good way to communicate.

If we have a big issue going on I like to keep a notepad handy and as thoughts about it come to mind I jot them down then I use the notes to write a letter.

However I do not give the letter for keeps, I let him read it then it comes back to me for safe keeping or to be torn up. 
Other times i won't even give him the letter but the whole process helps me get my thoughts clear.

Overall Mr H and I have excellent communication skills in our relationship but even so it is hard work for both of us. Some of it comes naturally but the balance is driven by our deep desire to be the best we can for each other even when it is challenging.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I have written my husband many times throughout our 11 year relationship... only in the past year have I stopped. I love writing, it's a form of therapy for me... I write poetry too... Gave him one for Father's Day... framed it, he sat it in a bin... and there it stays. It used to be a good way, but he never writes back.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

My husband and I did this for about a year and it started out good but was mostly a failure. He used it for circular arguments, and even with things in writing he could not seem to figure out what I was talking about. We used a notebook, and it got to where I felt panicked whenever he left it out for me to read his latest entry. I'm an introvert and not a big talker, and I thought writing go each other was going to be a wonderful thing. I shared my thoughts and feelings and was made to feel I was better off to keep those things to myself. It's very sad.
We have tried to start doing it again, but I still dread seeing what he's written.
I hope this method works better for others than it did for me, because it pretty much just reaffirmed that my husband and I have the worst communication skills on the planet.


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## debraarzn (Jul 8, 2013)

I think letter writing offers a little bit more honesty as well.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I find it easier to put my thoughts into writing. My husband and I have exchanged emails on certain topics because it was easier to communicate that way for those topics. You can read what you wrote, edit and take out some of the emotion or sarcasm, or clarify, and hit send when you're sure about your response. You can't always edit yourself that way as you're talking in the spur of the moment.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Letter writing can be good, but it can also be bad. Someone who isn't committed to the relationship will be unresponsive to letters, too. Same with someone who is in denial.


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## fddlr3 (Sep 28, 2011)

We have found the "dialogue" letter (learned in Retrouvaille) to be a very effective way to share feelings, especially difficult ones.

The letters are followed by a (timed) period where each of us reflect to the writer how we understand what they wrote, with clarifications and corrections (when misunderstood).


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Letter writing can be good, but it can also be bad. Someone who isn't committed to the relationship will be unresponsive to letters, too. Same with someone who is in denial.


My H and I were getting nowhere in our conversations, so I got us a journal to write to each other in. It was a miserable failure. When he did write in it, he wouldn't respond to what I'd said. Usually he just ignored it altogether. It ended up forming a written record of me reaching out and him ignoring me. It was heartbreaking. So, my advice is to really consider whether it might work for you, and how you would feel if it didn't.


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## arielucrz (Jul 9, 2013)

I think letter writing offers a little bit more honesty as well. At least that is how I feel.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Letter writing don't work for me because I am a talker. I talk too much and I know it but my H has learned to deal with it and call my chatter soothing. LOL. If we not talking he gets concern. Letters seems cold and impersonal to me because I'm a passionate person.

I just say what I feel but with consideration for my H feeling too knowing that respect is very important for a man. Of course sometimes there is mis communication too but we have to work through that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always enjoyed writing.... this is pretty much how I have dealt with the more Heavy relationship issues that has weighed upon my heart ...some letters you never send... just the writing it out - has given ME clarity and direction... whether that be with friends, a relative or my husband....

 It is important to recognize , in this writing where we have missed it also...humbling ourselves ..offering that olive branch....in this way, our feelings on paper is more likely to be received...and cause less offense, allowing the other person to open up as well. 

Some you read Face to face...some you realize through the writing..*you have to let go*, it's more banging your head against the wall...the signs are there..... some you send....but you brace yourself to NOT expect... but know you have done ALL You can to MEND...and if nothing else, this is worth something valuable ... if rejected, ignored, this is very cold...and you realize other consequences need to be given consideration for your own well being.












> *northernlights said:* My H and I were getting nowhere in our conversations, so I got us a journal to write to each other in. It was a miserable failure.
> 
> *When he did write in it, he wouldn't respond to what I'd said. Usually he just ignored it altogether. *It ended up forming a written record of me reaching out and him ignoring me. It was heartbreaking. So, my advice is to really consider whether it might work for you, and how you would feel if it didn't.


You have given him your vulnerability and he outright rejected you... I would see this as an Ungiving, Uncaring, UnWorkable spouse who...if he didn't agree to marriage counseling at that point......it'd be time for "the 180"......preparing yourself for a new future that may not include him. 

We can only do our parts...being Vulnerable is one of the hardest things another can do ...yet it is what brings us closest to that deep connection we seek... . IT IS Heart breaking when we open ourselves up & love is not returned, actions speaking HOPE... unrequited ... this is when you surround yourself with those who DO care , your friends, family..so you can pick yourself up....dust yourself off...You deserve better than that.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I only recently discovered this about myself - that I would rather write than talk.

Face to face confrontations overwhelm me. I loose my ability to focus - my mind will just go blank, or sometimes I'll end up babbling out of discomfort. 

Writing is so different, and I would much prefer to navigate through a problem this way.

There's no pressure or stress, and I can edit and edit until I've said exactly what I want to communicate.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You deserve better than that.


Thank you SA. I'm really working on my self-confidence and need for validation, and not _needing _to hear these things from other people to know they're true... but this is something I'm not there on yet, and I appreciate your comment.


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