# Wife Has Been Threating to Walk Out



## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

Hello All,

I would greatly appreciate your feedback. I have only been married for approximately 4 months. My wife and I eloped at the time and we are presently in the middle of having our wedding celebrations that is due in approximately 8 weeks.

Here is the story:

2 days after we got married at city hall, my wife found out that I communicated via email and met another woman once in July while we were dating. In the meeting this woman, I had to leave in 15 mins as I couldn't go through with it so I left and never told her, when we were dating at the time. I didn't admit to meeting this woman until 6 weeks after we got married as I thought it would make matters worse. I actually had that girl e-mail to ensure nothing happened.

On top of that, I also was on an online dating website where I exchanged e-mails with 2 other women during the time we were dating but never met them. I had no intension to meet and while as slimy as it was, I did it for "amusement" purposes with no intent to meet or get to know anyone. I continued to lie about it these details until I finally came clean in late December. So I continued to lie about these details which got me into more trouble.

Because of these things, my wife no longer trusts me and rightfully so.

I have given her all my passwords, etc so that she has access to all my data. I made some terrible choices and behaved inappropriately. Since this time, I had suggested to her that we go for counseling and have really adjusted my lifestyle to showcase that I want to make this work and that she is the one. She has declined to go to counsiling with me.

I have told her not to work so that she can relax and enjoy life, have gotten a new place at her request in the attempt to "start over" which was in late December. I have attempted to communicate as best as I can and have done my absolute best to show she comes first before anyone. She just began working over the last month or so.

The tables I suppose have now turned as she now talks / texts other men from her past yet she keeps all of it out in the open so that I see what is taking place in these exchanges. We are generally together most of the times and she is readily available. She also went over the night before to someone's house the night before we moved into the new place(in December) and I actually met him the following day. I believe that nothing took place based on what I know about her but obviously it isn't a good feeling regardless when your spouse goes to someone else crying and discussing problems.

There are several ups and downs from her attitude. One day, she will say how happy she is with me and the other, she gets so angry that she can't forgive me / that I am a bad person. I rarely respond or get into the fights - I pretty much just "take it" as I believe she has the right to be upset. It took a hit badly to my state of mind but because it happens so much, I have now become numb to it. Though I am having problems concentrating at work / maintaining balance in life.

Over the last month, she usually leaves on Saturday nights or Sundays where she goes to parent's place and then comes back the following night. It has been a recurring pattern for the last month or so. This last weekend, she left on a sunday and came back on a Tuesday. We still communicated via text but a lot of it was ugly and finger pointing on her end. 

During Saturday, we finalised our wedding invitations for the celebration. She even indicated that we were getting better. Part of me never did it believe because her attitude changes back and fourth everyday.

We had a good Thursday, Friday, and Saturday until Saturday night, she asked me to leave of which I did to give her the space and then yesterday, she mentioned separation, which is something that she has mentioned a few times over the last few months.

She continues to say that I should be worried should she decide to get "skinny" (she isn't fat whatsoever but she feels she is as she has put on weight). She also mentions that she loves me at the same time and that I have been so good to her over these past months (i.e. being there and taking care of errands, bills, looking after financially, accepting the unpleasant things that she has said to me / her actions via texting).

I feel like I don't know what to believe as I continue to get mixed messages and have taken them at face value.

I want to this marriage to work as I really love this woman, no matter how she has treated me over the last 4 months. 

I really would appreciate any advise as I don't know what to do. There are several ups and downs in terms of her attitude / demeanor. I have stuck through it and want to continue to do so to let her know that I love her.

We have a celebration that is supposedly taking place in late April. I don't know whether or not we will make it that far.

I have been trying to be positive about this situation but really would appreciate advise as to what I should I do?


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

This woman you saw for 15 minutes, were you engaged or exclusively dating your Wife to be at the time? 

How long had you and the Wife to be been together at the time? 

The eloping – was there a special reason for a “hurry-up” let's get married formalization which is now being followed by a more formal (and I’d surmise) church-wedding? 

If you two are doing a formal church wedding are you two doing pre-marital counseling/classes and have you shared the underlying dynamics going on in the relationship with the pastor/priest/rabbi?
*FWIW* – what you’ve described does not sound like a good point of “level-setting” a life-long commitment to a relationship with a Wife, Mother and best friend for life.


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

I was exclusively dating her at the time. We were not engaged but we both knew / discussed we are going down the road of marriage.

I have been with my g/f and now wife now since April 2013.

The eloping was something to showcase commitment and that our families would celebrate with us later. We mentioned our families one month after that we were married.

The wedding celebration is strictly a party with a few ethnic ceremonies.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

How old are you two?
Why did you tell her about the girl and texting? What were you hoping to gain from it?


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

She is 37, I am 35.

I didn't tell her anything - she found out by looking at my e-mails, of which I didn't erase and then did some further digging realizing as a result.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but your marriage is toxic, and going through with formalizing it isn't going to make it any better. If I was you, I'd put the brakes on that until the two of you begin counseling; either religious marriage counseling if applicable or secular I'd you prefer. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

I have tried to get her to go but she has refused.

For her happiness, I am at a point to where I believe it might be best to walk away from her which might benefit her well being.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I don't mean to be rude, but reading your post, I thought you two were very young. Why would two people in their mid 30's get married after only dating for 5 months?

In addition to this, you obviously weren't ready. Your pre-marital behavior speaks for itself, (which you know).

She is hurt, I understand that, but to respond to this the way she is, is very immature. You don't fix wrong with more wrong.

I agree with pbear, you two need counseling. I would start with individual for each of you and see if it can move into couples. I would also put off the celebration party. It doesn't seem right to me to collect presents and best wishes from your friends and family when the relationship is in such a state.

If I were you I would sit her down. Tell her again that you are sorry for what you did and you know it was inexcusable and that you love her very much. That you want to start counseling and if she wants this marriage to work she needs to go also. That you both have commitment and communication skills that need to be learned and you want to do this for your marriage. But under no circumstances are you going to live in a marriage that continues to be toxic (as pbear said). Her behavior is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it anymore. She either needs to join you in trying to fix this, or there is nothing to fix and it has to end.

I really see no other option. If you continue the way you are eventually one of you are going to step across that line of infidelity. You need to be the man and lead this marriage back to where it needs to be or end it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

alliant said:


> I have tried to get her to go but she has refused.
> 
> For her happiness, I am at a point to where I believe it might be best to walk away from her which might benefit her well being.


And if she refuses, then refuse to continue in the farce of a marriage that you currently have. You can't force her to actively participate in counseling, but you can refuse to play the game anymore. 

In the meantime, the idea of you pursuing individual counseling is a good one. Regardless of whether your current marriage ends or not, you need to understand and prevent your actions for happening again. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

Thank you for your advise JustHer.

I will make my best attempt for us to speak with someone individually / together. 

I also have another question / piece of advise that I appreciate. We both have two condos in 1 building. Right now, one of them is currently on the market for rent and we are living in another one.

She basically has mentioned that she needs time to herself and that if I come back, she will move back downstairs. I am presently staying elsewhere.

Is it worth telling her to move back to the unit or should I just stay away in the interim being that she is still not moved out?


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

When you talk to her, it is an all or nothing conversation. Either you two agree to work on the marriage, fully, or you end it.

If she agrees to work on the marriage, you move back in. If she won't agree to that, then move into the other condo and call it quits.

That is just my opinion of course.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

Yes alliant, you did screw up, but this whole situation does not seem right. I'm seeing some red flags here from your wife. 

Have you been able to see her emails or check her phone logs?


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

Yes I have seen the e-mail / phone logs / texts, skypes from her. I've seen the all of the communications, etc. The communication is "bland" more than anything. She even tells me when she does it.

Her whole basis of it is she tells everyone she is married and b/c when I was doing the screwing up, she mentions that I never told anyone that I was involved. It doesn't make any of it better as to what she is presently doing but that is the situation currently.

What's funny about it is, I've "put up" with it yet I have not done anything of the kind since we have been officially married.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

You guys are supposed to be in your honeymoon phase and you guys are already living apart. She's off seeing other guys.(not sure of the nature yet) but I can tell you either way it is not good. Same as what you did, not good.
If I were you, I would move back in asap. This being separate is not going to work if she is going to live by herself and she is seeing other guys. (Let me ask, what good can come from that?) 
I would lay out with her either she wants to be married and try to fix the marriage or end it.
Do this now, she will start having feelings for one of these guys if she already doesn't because you are being replaced by them. They are giving her the emotional need that you are supposed to be giving her.


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

Regretfully no honeymoon phase has taken place.

She isn't off seeing anyone but she is obviously getting highs or whatever you want to call it in communicating with others from her past. The basis of the conversations are generally "blah" which I have seen. 

Thank you bigbearsfan for your advice.


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## bigbearsfan (Feb 11, 2014)

alliant said:


> Regretfully no honeymoon phase has taken place.
> 
> She isn't off seeing anyone but she is obviously getting highs or whatever you want to call it in communicating with others from her past. The basis of the conversations are generally "blah" which I have seen.
> 
> Thank you bigbearsfan for your advice.


Did you not say that she went to OM place one night and that you meet him the next day. How can you be so sure nothing happened.
Maybe you both should read the book Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## alliant (Mar 3, 2014)

Because one, I knew where she was going and secondly, I had a placed something on her to here the conversation from start to finish.


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