# Planning to leave and not sure how to do it...need more advice



## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

Since I posted a couple days ago, I've made some decisions. I have an appointment with a lawyer on Monday to talk about my options and have decided to dispense with trying counseling with my spouse as I feel like the marriage is too far gone to salvage any feelings on my part now. I also feel like he is taking advantage of me and I'm a meal ticket in his eyes, so he is going to do whatever's needed to save the marriage - for now - and then revert back to his old ways later.

Now, I'm just considering the best way to go about this. I know that leaving an abusive marriage can be among the most challenging things a person can ever face and I just need some common sense. 

My husband has been doing some "illegal activities" and I frankly don't have a good feeling about him having solo visits with my kids (it's not child molesting or anything, just something most people don't want their kids around). He definitely would test positive for drugs but this goes way beyond that and I don't feel comfortable saying more about it. Let's just say that I see I have two options: 1. turn him in for this, come clean to cops and hope I don't get in trouble for knowing about it and not reporting it sooner/letting my kids live in the house where it's going on. BUT this could cause me to lose my job if it comes out in the papers (which it probably would in our town) and I really don't want to see him in prison even though he's a grown adult and should know better. 2. I can take my kids, pack all the stuff we can into a small truck and take my pets to a foster care for battered women (I have located one that will take them til I'm more stable) and move into a rented townhouse/apt. until we get things straightened out. I would have to do this in secret and wait til he's gone from home and sneak out, leaving behind anything not absolutely necessary and assuming everything left would be destroyed because that is just who he is. I would tell the court he smokes pot, have them drug test him and do a psych eval, put my kids in counseling and hope for the best with the visitation thing. BUT what if he gets visits and the kids are in danger? What if he goes nuts, buys a gun and kills the whole family? I have a good job and some savings to keep us out of a homeless shelter for a while if I lose my job due to his antics, but jobs are hard to come by where I live, especially in my industry. 

What to do? Any advice appreciated.


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## oneandonly2 (Feb 8, 2012)

while in no position (due to my own struggles) to dole out divorce advice... i can speak to wanting to protect your career.

my choice was simple... i went to the ceo of my company and asked to have a chat. i have been at my current job for 11 years, and although we have very little personal relationship, we do have a good professional relationship.

his response to me was comforting (when explaining ..that my life may get hectic real soon, and potentially my wife may do something crazy to try to discredit me here).... he said ..". work is the least of your worries. we are here for you. let me know how i can help"

this was comforting. 

i would go to the employer first.


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## luckycardinal (Feb 7, 2012)

I've thought of doing that and I'm sure it's a good idea as there will be some turmoil from this. Thanks.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Oh hell. Sounds like you are going with option 2. You need to get whatever evidence you can - photos, documents, whatever - for any custody case. Glad you have someplace that will take your pets too. 

Hope your employer is understanding.


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