# Want to Go from Casual to Committed



## AVR1962

For the past 11 months I have been seeing the man I have referred to in my posts as "tiger." On our first date he asked me what I was looking for. I told him I wanted someone to get to know me and me to get to know them, I wanted to enjoy that person's company, that we'd either go together or we would grow apart, and eventually if things worked out I hope to find my friend for life but marriage itself was not important to me. It has been casual and it has been a lot of fun. For the first 6 months I let him plan everything. I did not even invite him to my house which I posted about several months ago. We definitely moved past that. We now switch places....he comes here and the next time I go to his place and we also switch the planning so I plan one time and he plans the next. He has never backed out of any plans, never been flaky. There was a misunderstanding on our meeting place, he made the contact to ask where I was, took responsibility for it which he didn't need to, offered to come to me. We have continued to see each other thru the stay at home order which he left to my comfort level. 

We are both active gym people and in order to keep us accountable he had an idea of doing 200 push-ups daily and 100 squats on top of our 3-4 mile walks. I laughed and told him I would do what I can for push-ups but 200 probably wasn't possible. We have touched base with our workouts thru this whole shut down. I was doing 100 push ups on my knees and graduated to 100 on my toes, not daily. He is up to 350 push ups daily....how he does that I do not know!!! 

My feelings for him have grown. I have been waiting for the hormones to subside but they have not. When we see each other he just beams, we are very excited to be in each other's company. I want to continue to get to know him, certainly do not want to scare him off. I don't want to jump into anything that we feel we have to answer to one another. He needs his independence and I need mine. We have not talked if we either one were seeing other people, or were wanting to, and for a time it was fine with me if he was. Now though, I am ready to take what we have to another level. Summer is approaching and I would like to be able to make plans for a weekend here and there and enjoy our time together. I just do not know how to express this without him feeling like I want to lock him down and take away his freedom, I know that is important to him.


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## Faithful Wife

Thats a tough one. I’m assuming you have a sexual relationship also? If you haven’t locked down exclusivity before having sex, it’s definitely difficult to bring it up now.

Personally I just wouldn’t say anything and let him eventually do it.

Maybe pull out your MV on a date book and review it.


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## AVR1962

Thanks! Yeah, I don't think there's too many men that would wait 11 months without sex, perhaps I am incorrect.


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## Faithful Wife

AVR1962 said:


> Thanks! Yeah, I don't think there's too many men that would wait 11 months without sex, perhaps I am incorrect.


Yeah it’s hard to go from causal to committed when you’re already having sex without exclusivity.

But it may be that he’s already exclusive with you even though it hasn’t been discussed.

The problem is that if you bring it up first and he’s not already exclusive with you then you will feel hurt about that.

Are you exclusive with him? Both just dating and also sexually? Do you have any clues to whether he is seeing anyone else?


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## Sockittomewife

That is a hard one! But I also think that’s the thrill of all of it? Am I wrong? Lol the unknown gets the libido going. I think maybe ask him how he is feeling with the “friendship” and what it looks like to him, and share yours in return. And depending on his response, I think will answer some questions  good luck! Keep us posted on how this goes!


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## lifeistooshort

My guy and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half. We've not really discussed a future, professed love, etc....but we are fully integrated into each other's lives.

But there was no way in hell I was going to have sex if he was going to be sleeping with others. Period. We discussed not wanting to be exposed to anything, so if you wish to sleep with me you will not be sleeping with others.

That's it. I've asked for nothing else because beyond not being exposed to anything i don't care, and the relationship has just progressed in it's own.

That's where I'd start. Tell him that you've been thinking about it and you hope he hasn't been sleeping with others as you do not wish to be exposed to anything and you would not knowingly expose him to anything. That has nothing to do with freedom.....that's basic sexual safety.


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## lifeistooshort

Faithful Wife said:


> Yeah it’s hard to go from causal to committed when you’re already having sex without exclusivity.
> 
> But it may be that he’s already exclusive with you even though it hasn’t been discussed.
> 
> The problem is that if you bring it up first and he’s not already exclusive with you then you will feel hurt about that.
> 
> Are you exclusive with him? Both just dating and also sexually? Do you have any clues to whether he is seeing anyone else?


Agreed. To me exclusive sex seems like a no brainer, but I get that not everyone feels this way.

We never specifically discussed exclusivity, but did discuss the risk of std's early on. But one does get vibes as to whether ther4 are others....in my case I'd put good money down that my guy's never had anymore else. The amount of time we spend together, the integration into each others lives, the comments he makes here and there, not hiding his phone, and other things tell me I'm it. You can ask but sometimes you're better off watching and listening.


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## AVR1962

Faithful Wife said:


> Yeah it’s hard to go from causal to committed when you’re already having sex without exclusivity.
> 
> But it may be that he’s already exclusive with you even though it hasn’t been discussed.
> 
> The problem is that if you bring it up first and he’s not already exclusive with you then you will feel hurt about that.
> 
> Are you exclusive with him? Both just dating and also sexually? Do you have any clues to whether he is seeing anyone else?


I hear ya!! I get lost in all of the terminology with today's dating. We have not talked about being exclusive and yes, we date, this is not just sex. The first 6 months I let him ask me, I let him plan. I figured if he was really interested he needed to put in some leg work and show me. I was not just going to sleep with any man and I did get that message thru with my actions and the words I said with coming right out and saying those very words. He most certainly has put in the leg work. he planned all kinds of fun things for us, a variety of activities....we even went bowling and played a games of Checkers, lol!!!! When we get together we are nonstop talk. He asks ALOT of questions, I have never had a man ask so many questions. Even though I have not met his children I feel I know them all and we talk about them by their names. He has told me he is shy which I don't see and he has told me he is a nerd which I also do not see. He told me if he goes out to eat by himself he will sit with his headphones on. Recently we were talking and he told me he thought he was telling me too much. I know alot of very personal information about him and vise versa. I am exclusive with him.


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## AVR1962

lifeistooshort said:


> My guy and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half. We've not really discussed a future, professed love, etc....but we are fully integrated into each other's lives.
> 
> But there was no way in hell I was going to have sex if he was going to be sleeping with others. Period. We discussed not wanting to be exposed to anything, so if you wish to sleep with me you will not be sleeping with others.
> 
> That's it. I've asked for nothing else because beyond not being exposed to anything i don't care, and the relationship has just progressed in it's own.
> 
> That's where I'd start. Tell him that you've been thinking about it and you hope he hasn't been sleeping with others as you do not wish to be exposed to anything and you would not knowingly expose him to anything. That has nothing to do with freedom.....that's basic sexual safety.


Thanks!


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## AVR1962

lifeistooshort said:


> Agreed. To me exclusive sex seems like a no brainer, but I get that not everyone feels this way.
> 
> We never specifically discussed exclusivity, but did discuss the risk of std's early on. But one does get vibes as to whether ther4 are others....in my case I'd put good money down that my guy's never had anymore else. The amount of time we spend together, the integration into each others lives, the comments he makes here and there, not hiding his phone, and other things tell me I'm it. You can ask but sometimes you're better off watching and listening.


So you did not talk about exclusivity but did talk about the risks of sex....I guess that is where I am also and I agree, it is a no brainer....he is a doctor so he definitely knows the risks. I know he has female friends and he know I have male friends, as we have talked about them. I don't get the feel these female friends are more than just that. He has 3 sons who are still living at home, school age. He does not drink so I know he's not spending time in Clubs picking up women, that is really not my concern. I think we are more than casual but have not professed anything more than appreciation for the other. he has no "game" which I found a little confusing at first but we talked. I thought he just was not feeling anything for me and he let me know that was not the case and then he asked me if he were to tell me I was beautiful would I believe his words or would I see it as something he said and didn't mean. Smart man. Instead he tells me he appreciates me and he appreciates the various things I do, and well, I appreciate it....no pun intended.


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## NextTimeAround

Things can change so I don't think it should ever be such a surprise to want to change the relationship or to verbalize what you think it is or want it to be. You just have to be ready in case he wants something fifferent from what you want.

With both of my husbands, we never talked about excluivity before sex. After awhile we did, to make sure that we were not in an FB or FWB. 

With my second husband, it was defintely about ensuring that I wasn't going to be left high and dry because he chooses to go out with his "friend." I think it was possible that he wasn't having sex with her while future husband and I were dating, but I didn't want the humiliation of wondering where he is because he feels he has a "special relationship" with another woman even if it's non sexual.


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## Sue4473

@AVR1962- do you see this as a long term FWB, but just with eachother?


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## AVR1962

Sue4473 said:


> @AVR1962- do you see this as a long term FWB, but just with eachother?


I don't want to have a friends with benefits relationship with anyone. It takes me a while to trust and get to know a man. I don't like jumping right into being something committed as fast as some men want to. I wasn't even sure about this guy when I first started dating him but my feelings have grown and while I know he likes me I don't know where I really stand with him. If he just wants FWB then I am pout at this point.


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## Cooper

I think it's a simple conversation you absolutely need to have for your own peace of mind. You're ready to be in a committed relationship and it's what you want, if he's not on the same page then you have a decision to make. Yes his answer may hurt you but better to find out now instead of a year from now. And if his answer is he's ready and willing then you can relax and enjoy the relationship.


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## jlg07

AVR1962 said:


> . I wasn't even sure about this guy when I first started dating him but my feelings have grown and while I know he likes me I don't know where I really stand with him. If he just wants FWB then I am pout at this point.


So, I only know one way to find out -- ASK HIM! Talk about being exclusive. You've been with him long enough and it sounds like that discussion should be PLAIN and not assumed.


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## Sue4473

AVR1962 said:


> I don't want to have a friends with benefits relationship with anyone. It takes me a while to trust and get to know a man. I don't like jumping right into being something committed as fast as some men want to. I wasn't even sure about this guy when I first started dating him but my feelings have grown and while I know he likes me I don't know where I really stand with him. If he just wants FWB then I am pout at this point.


Oh I didn’t mean it bad... I guess I was trying to figure out what you wanted?
casual dating him or a serious relationship as you’ve gotten to know him and feelings are strong.


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## Sue4473

AVR1962-any updates?


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## AVR1962

Sue4473 said:


> AVR1962-any updates?


We had a real good talk. He had already considered us as exclusive without the conversation. So all is good.


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## Sue4473

AVR1962 said:


> We had a real good talk. He had already considered us as exclusive without the conversation. So all is good.


boyfriend and girlfriend Awww
I’m so happy! I’m glad everything worked out.


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## AVR1962

Sue4473 said:


> boyfriend and girlfriend Awww
> I’m so happy! I’m glad everything worked out.


At this age it sounds funny but thank you. We had a great conversation Sunday. I wore a sundress as it was very hot here in TX and I think that sundress made his mind wonder as he was very excited to see me, lol!!! Aside from the attraction though the conversation we had opened my eyes to his thoughts and it helped me to understand him. The end of this month marks a year together and while my heart races still at the thought of seeing him I also feel things are real, he is genuine. Only time will tell if this grows into something more or not. Meantime I will enjoy his company.


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## Andy1001

But I bet that deep inside you’re really missing Golden Corral guy😜


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## Sue4473

AVR1962 said:


> At this age it sounds funny but thank you. We had a great conversation Sunday. I wore a sundress as it was very hot here in TX and I think that sundress made his mind wonder as he was very excited to see me, lol!!! Aside from the attraction though the conversation we had opened my eyes to his thoughts and it helped me to understand him. The end of this month marks a year together and while my heart races still at the thought of seeing him I also feel things are real, he is genuine. Only time will tell if this grows into something more or not. Meantime I will enjoy his company.


Age is just a number lol! At 46 I’m still learning. If you don’t mind me asking- was he just scared? It’s good that you talked, and was present and really understood where he was coming from. I’ve had to learn to do this- to stop and listen to the other person. 
well nonetheless- I’m glad and wish you and him the best!


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## AVR1962

Andy1001 said:


> But I bet that deep inside you’re really missing Golden Corral guy😜


The funny thing about the Golden Corral dude was he had told me that he was trying to watch his weight, he had a beach vacation planned. 5 months after he asked me out a mutual friend showed me his wedding pictures on the beach. I wonder if his wife (now) was aware he was still dating. Maybe I was just helping him make sure of what he wanted? Glad I didn't meet the guy, I hope he is happy!


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## AVR1962

Sue4473 said:


> Age is just a number lol! At 46 I’m still learning. If you don’t mind me asking- was he just scared? It’s good that you talked, and was present and really understood where he was coming from. I’ve had to learn to do this- to stop and listen to the other person.
> well nonetheless- I’m glad and wish you and him the best!


He has told me he is shy which I don't see as he is plenty talkative and seems perfectly comfortable with me but perhaps he too was feeling the risk of rejection. I am 57, he is 55.


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## Sue4473

AVR1962 said:


> He has told me he is shy which I don't see as he is plenty talkative and seems perfectly comfortable with me but perhaps he too was feeling the risk of rejection. I am 57, he is 55.
> [/QUOTE
> 
> Rejection is a scary thing. How funny- I’m 46 and the guy I’m currently seeing is 43!


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## Spicy

Life is short, and precious. We never know what tomorrow can bring. Just be open and honest about how you feel and what you want. If he can’t handle those things, he’s not the right one for you. 

You are both mature, and seem to be classy adults. To me, a year in is plenty of time to get across what you want. After my first marriage of over 20 years ended, I certainly knew what I wanted. I am a big communicator and I told people straight out what I was looking for. I wasn’t a kid anymore and had no interest in not expressing what I wanted and needed.

I don’t think you really mentioned this in your OP but I also am a big believer in - *if you love someone, tell them that. *Things happen, and you could lose them unexpectedly and then have regret. Saying you love them, doesn’t always mean you are “in love”. So you can take any path toward saying it. If I spent this much time with someone and enjoyed the company as much as you seem too, I know I would have some form of love for him, even if it hasn’t moved fully yet from friendship to being “in love.”

Just my .02 I wish you so much happiness Sweetheart.


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## heartsbeating

Andy1001 said:


> But I bet that deep inside you’re really missing Golden Corral guy😜


hahaha... oh yes.

Happy for your happy update, AVR.


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