# Saturday morning video games



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t know why but this drives me crazy. First off... I don’t care if my boyfriend plays video games. I play video games. But the difference is, I play when I have downtime, or when I’m bored, or just a way to pass time. 

So every Saturday my boyfriend wakes up, he gets his coffee and he goes into the spare room and plays video games. It drives me insane. And when I bring it up, he says, well when I’m up I’m up and I’m ready to go for the day. So to me, it’s strange that when he is “up and ready to go” he chooses to play video games with his time. 

We don’t have kids or a house. But I’m sure this habit won’t change if we do. 

What I’m use to, and the way I was raised and the majority of my friends... we wake up Saturday morning and when we’re motivated we chip away at the to-do list. So it’s usually cleaning, and laundry or pounding out a good workout etc. 

To me, waking up and playing video games reminds me of a kid waking up and watching cartoons. I find it immature. 

I know that he is allowed to do what he wants and all that but I can’t help but judge him how he spends his time. And then it kind of throws off what I do. Like when I’m cleaning, he’s playing video games and that’s annoying. Then I shower and I’m ready for the day, and then he wants to clean and do chores and I’m ready to do a fun activity together or whatever.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It’s his day off. Leave the poor guy alone!!


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I get that. And I want him to relax and have down time. But just because it’s his day off doesn’t mean he doesn’t have other jobs or responsibilities. 

Maybe it just reminds me of my dad. My dad always did his own thing, and he chose not to do things with us (my mom and brothers). It was weird and there was always a disconnect.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Would you be willing to try his schedule? Relax and enjoy the morning with video games and coffee, and then clean?

Or alternate?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Would you be willing to try his schedule? Relax and enjoy the morning with video games and coffee, and then clean?
> 
> Or alternate?


I would. Honestly I just want more of a connection with him and feeling like we are a team. I often feel like we are two people living two separate lives and it bothers me. 

When I think about what I want for my future, I envision a big happy family. Doing things together, Saturday morning breakfast with the kids, chore time, date night. When I talk to him about it he agrees with me, but doesn’t seem to act like it.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

CHORES
Your life revolves around them. You schedule them, You assign them. They are part of your quality time together.
Of all of the things you could chose to focus your energy on,. why is it Chores?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

I don't get many "off" days and I don't understand spending part ofnthe downtime I get in front of a TV. That being said, it is all about communication. If you aren't happy with how your Saturday mornings, talk to him about it. Issues do not straighten themselves out without compromise. Maybe work out some sort of alternate schedule for Saturdays?


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## examp (Aug 6, 2020)

You have your so called life mapped out but what you call doing together is really him doing what you want and I suppose the way you want it. You want him to connect to you but not you connect to him. I am sure it bothers him no less than it bothers you. I am sorry about being so harsh so I wont go on. Although you only give one example I am sure there are many others. You do write regularly here so it gives us some insight of what you are like.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> CHORES
> Your life revolves around them. You schedule them, You assign them. They are part of your quality time together.
> Of all of the things you could chose to focus your energy on,. why is it Chores?


That’s not what I’m focused on. Chores are things we have to do. We only have a certain amount of hours in a day. I am type a, I am efficient and I am a planner. 

Here’s an example. We took a trip to nyc. It’s a 7hr drive. The plan was for me to drive bc I was off work. He worked till 4ish. After work he then has to do laundry because he has no clothes. So that’s like 2 hours, that means I have to drive later in the night. He works from home btw. It drives me insane how he can’t think to throw his clothes in the morning washer in between meetings etc. or throw his clothes in on Saturday mornings in between video games. 

It’s not about the chores. It’s about the lack of respect for our time together. Because on Saturdays when our friends want to hang out, or when I want to hang out with him, that’s when he isn’t ready, he isn’t showered and dressed. Or he chooses to do the chores later... which again effects me. Because either I will have to do them, or it cuts into our time together the next day.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> I don't get many "off" days and I don't understand spending part ofnthe downtime I get in front of a TV. That being said, it is all about communication. If you aren't happy with how your Saturday mornings, talk to him about it. Issues do not straighten themselves out without compromise. Maybe work out some sort of alternate schedule for Saturdays?


Exactly how I feel! Like we have two days off a week and we’re in the middle of summer, so to choose to be in front of the screen bothers me. Especially because he is in front of his computer all day for work.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Exactly how I feel! Like we have two days off a week and we’re in the middle of summer, so to choose to be in front of the screen bothers me. Especially because he is in front of his computer all day for work.


As stupid as it sounds, I limit my kids screen time maybe you have to do the same thing? Haha


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> That’s not what I’m focused on. Chores are things we have to do. We only have a certain amount of hours in a day. I am type a, I am efficient and I am a planner.
> 
> Here’s an example. We took a trip to nyc. It’s a 7hr drive. The plan was for me to drive bc *I was off work. *He worked till 4ish. After work* he then has to do laundry* because he has no clothes. So that’s like 2 hours, that means I have to drive later in the night. He works from home btw. *It drives me insane how he can’t think to throw his clothes in the morning washer* in between meetings etc. or throw his clothes in on Saturday mornings in between video games.
> 
> It’s not about the chores. It’s about the lack of respect for our time together. Because on Saturdays when our friends want to hang out, or when I want to hang out with him, that’s when he isn’t ready, he isn’t showered and dressed. Or he chooses to do the chores later... which again effects me. Because either I will have to do them, or it cuts into our time together the next day.


Not only is this what you are focused on. It is the only thing you are focused on. He ruined your trip to Virus central by not doing the laundry the way you told him to. You are insane because He didn't work your way. He didn't play your way. Now it is Friday morning and the #1 thing on your mind is how to get him to Chore with you Saturday morning. You don't see what every outsider can easily observe. What he does not respect is your Chore schedule.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Not only is this what you are focused on. It is the only thing you are focused on. He ruined your trip to Virus central by not doing the laundry the way you told him to. You are insane because He didn't work your way. He didn't play your way. Now it is Friday morning and the #1 thing on your mind is how to get him to Chore with you Saturday morning. You don't see what every outsider can easily observe. What he does not respect is your Chore schedule.


Your missing my point. It’s about respecting time. Because of his time management I had to drive past midnight, it wasn’t fair to me. I was tired, and responsible for getting us there safely. And I don’t think everyone on here agrees with you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Numb26 said:


> As stupid as it sounds, I limit my kids screen time maybe you have to do the same thing? Haha


He would go nuts if I mutter those words to him. But I have talked to him about screen time and the impact it has in our lives... more depression/anxiety etc. he is an adult and loves his screentime and there is no changing that.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Personally, since I'm not a night driver, I would've opted out on that one and told him I'd be traveling in the morning - and you could have too.



Girl_power said:


> Your missing my point. It’s about respecting time. Because of his time management I had to drive past midnight, it wasn’t fair to me. I was tired, and responsible for getting us there safely. And I don’t think everyone on here agrees with you.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

minimalME said:


> Personally, since I'm not a night driver, I would've opted out on that one and told him I'd be traveling in the morning - and you could have too.


We talked about plan was for him to come over right after work at 4. That’s what he said.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And he was like oh I forgot I have no clean clothes... I have to do laundry now. That’s how the conversation went. He did not think ahead at all. And he was surprised that I was upset. Where I come from... making people wait is rude. I was raised If your not 10mins early your late.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

But that's not what he did, right?

You are a wise woman (I know this from your posts), and I know you know this, but pay attention to the whole 'he agrees with me when we discuss it, but he doesn't live it out.'

He's starting to come across as a little passive aggressive?



Girl_power said:


> The talked about plan was for him to come over right after work at 4. That’s what he said.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

minimalME said:


> But that's not what he did, right?
> 
> You are a wise woman (I know this from your posts), and I know you know this, but pay attention to the whole 'he agrees with me when we discuss it, but he doesn't live it out.'
> 
> He's starting to come across as a little passive aggressive?


So you think he’s doing that on purpose? It could be. My exH was super passive aggressive like that.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I don't know that all passive aggressive behavior is done on purpose - or rather with malicious intent. I think that's something people like to say and write about, cause it makes others the villain.

But it might be a way of coping, and he may not even realize it. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt.



Girl_power said:


> So you think he’s doing that on purpose? It could be. My exH was super passive aggressive like that.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Your missing my point. It’s about respecting time. Because of his time management I had to drive past midnight, it wasn’t fair to me. I was tired, and responsible for getting us there safely. And I don’t think everyone on here agrees with you.



Did you ask him to do his laundry in advance, or throw in a load for him the day before, to gently and kindly motivate him?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

She's not his mother. 😳 



Numb26 said:


> As stupid as it sounds, I limit my kids screen time maybe you have to do the same thing? Haha





Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Did you ask him to do his laundry in advance, or throw in a load for him the day before, to gently and kindly motivate him?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Why does he not respect your time together?
Is there something about time together that he doesn't like?
Why does he agree to things he doesn't want to do?
Why did he move into your place when he was happy to plan his own schedule and live by his priorities?

And to make it a bit personal, Why would I choose to find a task master as a life partner? How could I avoid it?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

minimalME said:


> She's not his mother. 😳


She wants to be.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Well, we all have our weaknesses and our struggles. 

She's here talking about it and open to suggestions.



Mr. Nail said:


> She wants to be.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

minimalME said:


> She's not his mother. 😳


No she is not but since he is acting like a child she has to do something


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## Mylehigh (Jul 8, 2019)

General incompatibility. Maybe because you are a grown up and he is a child? People have many reasons to ignore the obvious.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I agree, but, in my opinion, trying to change him isn't the way. 

Accept it. Tolerate it. Leave. (Patricia Allen)

Especially if he is passive aggressive. 

I mean, she can learn coping skills to manage his behavior (tolerating) and stand up to it. But being with a passive aggressive person feels like constantly trying to pull something out of someone that they don't want to voluntarily give you.



Numb26 said:


> No she is not but since he is acting like a child she has to do something


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Did you ask him to do his laundry in advance, or throw in a load for him the day before, to gently and kindly motivate him?


No because I didn’t know it was an issue. We had this planned for weeks.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> Why does he not respect your time together?
> Is there something about time together that he doesn't like?
> Why does he agree to things he doesn't want to do?
> Why did he move into your place when he was happy to plan his own schedule and live by his priorities?
> ...


I can’t answer these questions. Because when I ask him, everything is fine and he loves spending time with me. There are his words, and then his actions. So I don’t know what to think. 

Tomorrow we are going kayaking, this was my suggestion. He doesn’t suggest much. He is happy with very very little. I like more together time.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

How old is he? Has he ever been in a long term relationship before this?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Livvie said:


> How old is he? Has he ever been in a long term relationship before this?


He’s is about to turn 32. He was in a 6 year relationship before me. They lived together for 3 years.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I can’t tell if I am reading too much Into everything or ignoring red flags.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> No because I didn’t know it was an issue. We had this planned for weeks.



And I'm with you, he should have, etc, but there's some reality checks that do go on in a M. A friendly reminder is ok.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And I'm with you, he should have, etc, but there's some reality checks that do go on in a M. A friendly reminder is ok.


Am I suppose to remind him to brush his teeth and wipe his butt as well? 

I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t want to be his mother. It’s one thing if he asks me to remind him something that he frequently forgets.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

My problem is not that he forgets to do things. It’s the fact that he doesn’t think about how his behavior affects me/us.
It’s like let me remind you to be a thoughtful and respectful person. And not just think of yourself and your narrow world.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

You are never going to change him. And from what you are saying, it sounds like that's what you want. I'm sure there are many things about him that you love...it's just that the things you don't love, the things that annoy you, you want to change (which is understandable)...but it will NEVER happen. 

He is NOT a "type a" personality. He is NOT a planner. He obviously doesn't feel a sense of satisfaction from checking off a chore list like you do. He approaches his responsibilities in a completely different way, and with a completely different sense of how to define them, than you do. THIS IS HIM. 

The only control you have is over YOU and what you are willing to live with. You aren't going to make him more like you. You say it's about him respecting your time together, but you aren't even defining "respect" the same way.

You are going to have to choose - do you accept and live with him the way he is, or do you leave him and keep everything your way. If you nag him to change, or make him feel like you don't respect him, HE may end up getting sick of it too, and choose to leave you.

You wonder if these are red flags...well, that's up to you, and what matters most to you. If you cannot live with someone who behaves the way he does, then this is definitely a red flag, and you should consider leaving him.

And just to give you a different perspective, or to point out how differently people can see things, I want you to know that to ME, some of the things you have said sound immature to me. NOT that I'm right, or am trying to insult you or tell YOU to change...but you think you hold the adult position with this, and from my perspective, you don't really. 

So your idea of immaturity is simply that - YOUR idea (even if it's shared with many others). You need to decide if you can live with someone who has a different idea of maturity, respect, and responsibility.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Everyone has a way to spend time off. Your boyfriend's way is playing video games. Nothing wrong with that.

No one likes chores. I hate them. They annoy me to death! I absolutely hate folding laundry. I understand it needs to be done but that doesn't mean people look forward to "quality time" while doing laundry. Not me. It makes me grumpy. Lol!

How many hours does he spend playing video games? You guy can talk and reach an agreement, he plays in the morning while you do your thing, do your own chores and he can start doing his chores in the afternoon, or the next day. Make plans for later in the day. 

People are different. Since I hate doing chores I do them when I feel like doing them. If my partner wanted chores done one specific day, that would be him doing them by himself. 

I really don't expect my husband to manage his time off. We just go with the flow and if he needs clean clothes for a trip, I would wash them so we can be ready to go. Do you guys separate chores? That's something that drives me crazy. I washed my husband's clothes while dating, why? Because to me I saw something that needed to be done and I did it. I see our marriage as a tag team. If he's doing something, even if it's having some down time, I would do things that are needed to be done and I don't expect him to pay them back. He does other things as well. 

Family time sometimes is hectic. We don't spend every weekend having breakfast all together. My husband didn't have weekends off when my kids were young. We usually eat dinner together. 

I don't think it's worth it to argue over chores. They never end. It's not a big deal if they don't get done one day. They can be done any day.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Girl_power said:


> I would. Honestly I just want more of a connection with him and feeling like we are a team. I often feel like we are two people living two separate lives and it bothers me.
> 
> When I think about what I want for my future, I envision a big happy family. Doing things together, Saturday morning breakfast with the kids, chore time, date night. When I talk to him about it he agrees with me, but doesn’t seem to act like it.


Is this the man you can see doing that with. Because his actions clearly say that he does not want it like that.

Why does it matter when he does his chores? Just as an example. Would it annoy you if he played his games Saturday morning and when you are ready to start doing things he spends that time with you. And he gets his chores done when he can squeeze them in? Or is he deciding to do chores over spending time with you? 

It sound like the actual problem is that he is not investing his time into your relationship, not the video games. It could be work or watching soccer or anything else that causes his lack of time and you would by annoyed with it. Is that accurate?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

His priority list is not your priority list. He is what he is. Can you life with that?

I'm of the opinion that men need their hobbies. I have friends that sculpt, play music, are sport fanatics, farm, build furniture, build and fly remote control airplanes. I spend hours tying flies and more hours on a stream hooking fish. His is video games.

I'll let chores slide earlier or later to accommodate good fishing. Saturday morning with good weather is for fishing, bad weather is for refilling my fly boxes. Chores can happen later. Or even on Sunday if the fishing is good enough.

Does he use video games to avoid responsibilities and obligations? Or is his priority list and timetable just different than yours?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

This is the eternal mismatched couple's struggle were one or the other or both starts to not like how the other is not responding as we want them. Then, time passes by, and those annoying behaviors, little by little become a source of resentment, and the nagging intensifies until the response reactions start to become more and more passive aggressive, then it blows into a full all out resentment. Here is when the shouting, pushing, aggressive behaviors start until things get so out of hand that the relationship is over.

Compatible couples ebb and flow, if not with ease, at least after a bump they iron things out and the harmony is restored. Boyfriend/Girlfriend relationships that's all it is. It's a way to find out if they are COMPATIBLE, or at least, if that's a relationship one can live by, mostly with content and looking for the days ahead. If issues cannot be resolved, then it was't meant to be. Why spend your life complaining, nagging, getting resentful, when the easiest and smartest thing to do is call out the relationship while you can.

This is a problem a lot of women have, they ***** and complain, and nag, and nag, but won't dare to do **** other than get real angry. The men also, they just absorbed, until the passive-aggressiveness takes over because they don't have the ball to either fulfill the partner's needs or getting the **** out. This is basically what we see day in day out here when a OP comes to seek advice or just vent.

For the OP: if this is something you can live by, then shut up and put up, don't make an issue of it because it will only escalate. If you cannot live by it just come out upfront, leaving no doubts spell it out to your partner that the issue is becoming a deal breaker and mean it. The partner after being told in not uncertain way does not comply, then you got your answer, is over.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> His priority list is not your priority list. He is what he is. Can you life with that?
> 
> I'm of the opinion that men need their hobbies. I have friends that sculpt, play music, are sport fanatics, farm, build furniture, build and fly remote control airplanes. I spend hours tying flies and more hours on a stream hooking fish. His is video games.
> 
> ...


I agree 100% everyone needs their own thing. I think where I am a little sore is that, I don’t think your “thing” should come before together time. Maybe I’m just feeling a little neglected and not a priority.

I’m not sure he uses his video games to avoid things, maybe he does without realizing it. But to me it’s like sex, it’s a barometer of the relationship. If he keeps retreating to the spare room to play video games more and more, it doesn’t seem like the relationship is doing really well.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Is this the same boyfriend who was dragging his feet about your work trip that he was supposed to join you on and you broke up with him? If it is, you need to accept that he's not going to change. If it isn’t, then you pick men who are very different from you. They don’t do things the way you do them and they never will.

My husband had only two hobbies. One was fitness, which I supported and participated in with him, and the other was television whenever he was home, which I didn’t support. Dragging him away from one of his many televisions when it was time to do anything was almost impossible. He’s the only person I know who would travel to Europe and then spend endless amounts of time watching old American sitcoms dubbed in a different language when he had seen them a million times. That happened every single time we went. He always said he wanted to go but once we were there it was the same pattern.

I learned over time to let go. If you want to be with this guy, you’ll have to let go as well. He’s not like you and he doesn’t want to be just as my husband wasn’t like me and didn’t want to be. My suggestion is to look for someone who is more like you.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think a grown man waking up and focusing on video games is a bit of a red flag... sort of prioritizing on “fantasy“. I kick my sons off devices on Saturday and put them to work. I’m neither type A or a planner. I’d call it being a “realist“... there’s real stuff that needs done before you can kick back and relax.

Maybe you need to turn up the bee-otch... see if he will grow a pair.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

When does he clean? If he does clean and do his part, I think he has a right to how he spends his what I'm assuming is first little bit of time off for the weekend. I never set aside a routine time for cleaning myself. And I never used choice time for cleaning. I tried to jam things like that in with the rest of the working week so that I could have a real day or two off back when I had that type of schedule. 

So as long as he's doing his share of cleaning, I think you're wrong to resent this just because that's how you are because not a lot of people are starting their weekend by cleaning. 

But if he isn't then that's a conversation you need to have but you don't need to tell him when the clean and just let him figure that out himself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> When does he clean? If he does clean and do his part, I think he has a right to how he spends his what I'm assuming is first little bit of time off for the weekend. I never set aside a routine time for cleaning myself. And I never used choice time for cleaning. I tried to jam things like that in with the rest of the working week so that I could have a real day or two off back when I had that type of schedule.
> 
> So as long as he's doing his share of cleaning, I think you're wrong to resent this just because that's how you are because not a lot of people are starting their weekend by cleaning.
> 
> But if he isn't then that's a conversation you need to have but you don't need to tell him when the clean and just let him figure that out himself.


We use to live together, and recently we don’t because we kind of broke up and he is now living back home with his parents. 
I brought up the Saturday thing because we got into an argument about it last night. 

It’s complicated. We’re trying to see if we can work it out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, then don't ever live together again and mix all that stuff up together and you'll just have to realize he's not someone who's going to bounce out of bed on Saturday morning and clean house or go do anything it doesn't sound like. but don't hold your breath finding some man who's going to get up with you on Saturday morning if that's the first day off they have and clean house because that is probably never going to happen. I suggest if you end up in a partnership you are going to stay in and that is a big conflict that you cannot get past, that you hire a maid.


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## Electric Prune (Aug 11, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t know why but this drives me crazy. First off... I don’t care if my boyfriend plays video games. I play video games. But the difference is, I play when I have downtime, or when I’m bored, or just a way to pass time.
> 
> So every Saturday my boyfriend wakes up, he gets his coffee and he goes into the spare room and plays video games. It drives me insane. And when I bring it up, he says, well when I’m up I’m up and I’m ready to go for the day. So to me, it’s strange that when he is “up and ready to go” he chooses to play video games with his time.
> 
> ...


Oh no! What an awful mismatch.

Firstly, this isn’t a question of difference of opinion: you are dead right in seeing this as immature and impractical. No adult in an LT relationship should be waking up and gaming routinely on a Saturday. Have you tried just putting it him bluntly in this way?

Failing this, maybe you could reach a compromise whereby he, say, gets to keep his Sat AM gaming time, but it’s cut in half?

Are you taking on more of the domestic duties in general? If do, you have a strong argument here.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Well, then don't ever live together again and mix all that stuff up together and you'll just have to realize he's not someone who's going to bounce out of bed on Saturday morning and clean house or go do anything it doesn't sound like. but don't hold your breath finding some man who's going to get up with you on Saturday morning if that's the first day off they have and clean house because that is probably never going to happen. I suggest if you end up in a partnership you are going to stay in and that is a big conflict that you cannot get past, that you hire a maid.


I get it. I just wanted peoples opinions. 
I am slow to wake up. I like to drink my coffee and preferably relax with my partner and wake up. My boyfriend wakes up really early, and like a switch. He wakes up probably an hour before me. And I am not functional for a least an hour after I am out of bed. He is functional right away... he jumps out of bed and plays video games. Doesn’t shower or brush his teeth for many hours after.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's his day off. I don't like grown-ass men wasting a lot of time on video games either and don't marry one and have kids because they're likely not going to engage if all they want to do is escape and play games. If that's the only time he plays, it's certainly no big deal, but if that's what he defaults to anytime he has a moment, that's childish escapism.

When I had a M-F job, which was only once in my life for 10 years, I didn't EVEN shower on my day off and spent a lot of it in bed resting, no real inclination to anything else until nighttime going out.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Electric Prune said:


> Firstly, this isn’t a question of difference of opinion: you are dead right in seeing this as immature and impractical. No adult in an LT relationship should be waking up and gaming routinely on a Saturday.


Really? 

I am at my mental best before lunch, every day. On weekends, it's not unusual for me to wake up early and do my technical reading, when it will stick best. If I would prefer to spend that time gaming, who are you to tell me that I'm objectively wrong?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Am I suppose to remind him to brush his teeth and wipe his butt as well?
> 
> I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t want to be his mother. It’s one thing if he asks me to remind him something that he frequently forgets.



And I get that, and am with you fully, no worries. 

Sometimes over the long haul there are things that should be a certan way, and mostly are; some things that should be a certain way and always are, and some things in the middle.

I'm pretty sure wiping his butt and brushing his teeth haven't come up in a trouble spot 🙂.

There are somethings that come up do take undesired action to help.

You've just got to see what hill you're willing to crash and burn the relationship on.

Reminding an SO about an activity, and it will be you on the other end at times as you're not perfect either over the long haul, is just a normal adult thing.

Once or twice now and then is different than a thousand times but most things are in the middle and can be blown out of proportion. 

I'm not agreeing with H all the way, either, by the way.

If it reaches your limit, be a big girl and throw him out.

I


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You've just got to see what hill you're willing to crash and burn the relationship on.
> 
> ...
> 
> If it reaches your limit, be a big girl and throw him out.


Most succinct advice you could receive.


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## Deepsouthdude (Feb 12, 2020)

My wife does things that really annoy me and some of the ways does things I totally don’t get. Also I do things that get on her every last nerve and she doesn’t understand my thought process behind some things I do. 
But in spite of all of that we’ve made an effort to keep it in perspective and have decided that even though it’s aggravating the good things outweigh these things that we dislike about each other.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since this sounds like the old boyfriend you had and not a new one, I would say let him go. IIRC, you have long been at odds about the differences between the two of you and have broken up more than once over various differences. What you see is who he is and he will very likely drive you bsc long-term.


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## Electric Prune (Aug 11, 2020)

Cletus said:


> Really?
> 
> I am at my mental best before lunch, every day. On weekends, it's not unusual for me to wake up early and do my technical reading, when it will stick best. If I would prefer to spend that time gaming, who are you to tell me that I'm objectively wrong?


You can do what you like. It’s your relationship.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Electric Prune said:


> Firstly, this isn’t a question of difference of opinion: you are dead right in seeing this as immature and impractical. No adult in an LT relationship should be waking up and gaming routinely on a Saturday. Have you tried just putting it him bluntly in this way?





Electric Prune said:


> You can do what you like. It’s your relationship.


Well, that was easy.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> Am I suppose to remind him to brush his teeth and wipe his butt as well?
> 
> I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t want to be his mother. It’s one thing if he asks me to remind him something that he frequently forgets.


Well, unfortunately, he is still immature, so you are just wasting time on this guy. Just stop it. It's true that if you put in a lot of work on him trying to get him to do things more your way or do things at all, as it were, he WILL just think of you as his nagging mother, and that is what you will be. So stop it and walk. Who needs this? Don't you want a man who is your equal? 

That said, don't expect anyone to be on the same schedule as you and want to spend that free time cleaning house. That's your family, not most other peoples.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It blows my mind thinking about my grandparents generation and how they never lived together before marriage and basically never got divorced. The patience they must have developed is amazing haha


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Really?
> 
> I am at my mental best before lunch, every day. On weekends, it's not unusual for me to wake up early and do my technical reading, when it will stick best. If I would prefer to spend that time gaming, who are you to tell me that I'm objectively wrong?


I understand what your saying. But don’t you think it says something, when we choose to spend time on something when we are at our peak energy/motivation? Like what we choose to do during that time means something. 

So that’s why it bothers me so much that he is choosing video games. 

I choose to clean and exercise in the morning because I like to get it out of the way, and I have enough energy to get it done fast, and then I have the rest of the day/night to do whatever I want. 

If you think about it... peak energy and motivation time, it’s a small-ish window. So people are going to do what’s important to them, or what they need a lot of motivation to accomplish because it might not be pleasant, or it’s a difficult task.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> It blows my mind thinking about my grandparents generation and how they never lived together before marriage and basically never got divorced. The patience they must have developed is amazing haha


Yeah, patience and RESENTMENT...


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Girl_power said:


> It blows my mind thinking about my grandparents generation and how they never lived together before marriage and basically never got divorced. The patience they must have developed is amazing haha


Who do you think taught me to get out of the house and go fishing?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> It blows my mind thinking about my grandparents generation and how they never lived together before marriage and basically never got divorced. The patience they must have developed is amazing haha


I think this has more to do with how society viewed divorce at the time. I think many of our grandparents probably ended up with (often well-hidden) bottomless pits of rage and resentment because they weren't as free to walk away from bad relationships. They weren't saints, they just didn't have options.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> Who do you think taught me to get out of the house and go fishing?


It's what I've said before; fishing has kept many a Hs sanity.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I understand what your saying. But don’t you think it says something, when we choose to spend time on something when we are at our peak energy/motivation? Like what we choose to do during that time means something.
> 
> So that’s why it bothers me so much that he is choosing video games.
> 
> ...


Peak energy time for who? Most people's energy certainly isn't at its peak the morning of their first day off UNLESS they got to sleep late and rest up and relax the rest of the day. Maybe by Sunday. You are making a mistake thinking your way is the norm. Honestly, I'm 67 and I've never known anyone like you who worked all week and then got up lickety split and did housework on Saturday morning. I don't know anyone who would go for that at all. It's supposed to be their day off, not "clean house" day. Work that stuff in through the week or hire a maid to come in when you're gone once every couple of weeks. Then you don't have to find a man who is also a cheerful Saturday morning housekeeper! 

But still, nix this one because he's an escapist/avoider.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Fozzy said:


> I think this has more to do with how society viewed divorce at the time. I think many of our grandparents probably ended up with (often well-hidden) bottomless pits of rage and resentment because they weren't as free to walk away from bad relationships. They weren't saints, they just didn't have options.


Yea I wonder if knowing you don’t have options allows you to let go of the anger and resentment easier.
I honestly find it fascinating how they didn’t kill each other, and they still appeared pleasant and happy all the time. 
I think there is something in there we need to learn.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

For many, though, it's knowing you have options that allow greater ability to forgive more truly and fully when a disagreement is discussed.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Peak energy time for who? Most people's energy certainly isn't at its peak the morning of their first day off UNLESS they got to sleep late and rest up and relax the rest of the day. Maybe by Sunday. You are making a mistake thinking your way is the norm. Honestly, I'm 67 and I've never known anyone like you who worked all week and then got up lickety split and did housework on Saturday morning. I don't know anyone who would go for that at all. It's supposed to be their day off, not "clean house" day. Work that stuff in through the week or hire a maid to come in when you're gone once every couple of weeks. Then you don't have to find a man who is also a cheerful Saturday morning housekeeper!
> 
> But still, nix this one because he's an escapist/avoider.


I am telling you that my boyfriends peak motivation/energy level is when he wakes up. You must not have read that part I wrote.

It is ME who is slow to wake up and needs a few cups of coffee before I can function. My boyfriend flies out of bed with energy and is ready to start the day. 

We talked about this yesterday. And he even said that when he wakes up he’s ready to go and he’s motivated and blah blah. And he was making a comment about how I am still in bed and I’m slow to wake. And that is what prompted this argument we had. Because I said to him that it’s super weird that when he is full of energy and wide awake that he chooses to play video games alone... instead of something more productive like cleaning. And he got upset with that comment and I totally understand why. But my point is still the same, it’s strange to me that when he is awake and full of energy every Saturday morning he chooses to play video games.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> For many, though, it's knowing you have options that allow greater ability to forgive more truly and fully when a disagreement is discussed.


Having options or not having options?


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

Girl_power said:


> I understand what your saying. But don’t you think it says something, when we choose to spend time on something when we are at our peak energy/motivation? Like what we choose to do during that time means something.
> 
> So that’s why it bothers me so much that he is choosing video games.
> 
> ...


Yes. How we prioritize our time tells a lot about us. 

I can only speak for myself, but I want my peak time to be spent doing things that are important to me and that I'll enjoy. I don't want to waste the best of me on the things that I don't like. I'm a morning person as well. So a typical Saturday for me would be
Up at 5am
Walk the dog
Fix breakfast. Pancakes, Waffles, sausage. Wrap up the leftovers for the late sleepers to heat up
Load my gear in the car: 2 rods, 4 boxes of flies, waders, boots. - Any family that wants to come with me.
Fish. If the fishing is normal I'll be home around lunchtime. If it's good early afternoon.
Then the rest of the day is free for family, chores, and whatever needs done.

If the weather is bad, or it's the off season, then after breakfast I'll turn on premiere league soccer, and sit at my tying bench replacing old flies.

Is that every Saturday? Of course not. If there are big plans those take precedence. But it is what I do when I have no other obligation and the weather agrees. Cleaning doesn't count as an important enough obligation.
All that said, I try to fit important chores into midweek routines (mowing, basic cleaning). So the weekend is as free from chores as possible. And yes, that means some things slide until Monday if I don't think they're important enough to deal with.

What does that say about me? I don't know. But that is how I prioritize my leisure time.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Girl_power said:


> I am telling you that my boyfriends peak motivation/energy level is when he wakes up. You must not have read that part I wrote.
> 
> It is ME who is slow to wake up and needs a few cups of coffee before I can function. My boyfriend flies out of bed with energy and is ready to start the day.
> 
> We talked about this yesterday. And he even said that when he wakes up he’s ready to go and he’s motivated and blah blah. And he was making a comment about how I am still in bed and I’m slow to wake. And that is what prompted this argument we had. Because I said to him that it’s super weird that when he is full of energy and wide awake that he chooses to play video games alone... instead of something more productive like cleaning. And he got upset with that comment and I totally understand why. But my point is still the same, it’s strange to me that when he is awake and full of energy every Saturday morning he chooses to play video games.


Okay, my bad, but your first post said you like to get up on Saturday and clean house. So now he's telling you he's up ready to do something and feeling energetic. And then you are still laying around or drinking coffee, but once you do get up, you just want to clean house? Fun, fun. How is your sitting around like slug drinking cups of coffee any different than him playing video games? You're both doing nothing physical, not getting out of the house, not doing anything productive. 

First of all, I do not buy that either of you are at peak energy if you have to sit around and drink coffee that bad and all he's geared up for is laying around playing video games. If he was wanting to do anything energetic, he wouldn't sit doing video games, which is only a step up from resting in bed, if that. And you wouldn't take forever to wake yourself up with coffee. I mean, there is nothing physical about either of those things that suggests "peak energy." So someone is building a false premise. 

Ever thought about stopping the coffee? I swear once you do, you will no longer feel like a slug in the morning after about two months of not drinking it. It's a drug that makes you hungover. 

I understand laying in on a Saturday morning. Honestly, that's what Saturday morning is for after working hard all week. But then once you finally get moving, you do housecleaning and expect him to help when you lived together? I think your expectations about telling a man when to do housework is very far-fetched. But I've already gone over that and why. I mean, weekends are for having fun and resting up. You'd do better changing your very rigid cleaning schedule and sitting down and asking him would he rather help you clean house, say, 20 minutes, each week day either before or after work. Or better yet, make a duty roster and he's responsible for his chores and you're responsible for yours and don't tell him WHEN to do it. Then if he doesn't do it, absolutely do not keep living with him. (I know you're not, but just saying -- lots of men will not do it and a fair amount of women, and you're not the boss of them). Get a maid if you want to keep a guy who hates housework, and make him pay for half.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> Yes. How we prioritize our time tells a lot about us.
> 
> I can only speak for myself, but I want my peak time to be spent doing things that are important to me and that I'll enjoy. I don't want to waste the best of me on the things that I don't like. I'm a morning person as well. So a typical Saturday for me would be
> Up at 5am
> ...


I appreciate your perspective. I understand your point of view. And reading it, I know there is nothing wrong with how you spend your free time. 

So when I first read what you wrote I thought, wow if I were your wife I would feel like you are trying to get away from me, or I’m not important, or you don’t want to hang out with me. And I know that there are issues there that I have. Then after I think about it, as long as we spend time together and I’m prioritized, it doesn’t matter if it happens in the morning or night or whatever. 

Ideally it would be great to be able to spend time together doing the same thing that we just happen to love. But that seems to rarely happen. 

I think where I differ and probably where my judgement comes in, is that I am a very very relationship-ey type of person. Maybe co-dependent. I think I always want more time with him. So when he chooses to spend those peak hours alone, it kind of hurts my feelings. Because to me, choosing to play video games alone, is another way of saying I don’t want to hang out with you. Or I’d rather play video games than hang out with you. And that’s hurtful. 
And I think it’s because I move things around in order to spend more time with him. That’s very natural for me. Like oh, you can’t hang out until 5pm? Then I’ll get all my chores and errands done before that so we can be just us time. Whereas, I feel like he is choosing his time in a way that limits US time. And I’m not sure if it’s purposeful or not. Like the laundry thing, it’s not hard to do laundry in between meetings or video games. But to choose to do laundry when we are suppose to hang out is weird to me. It’s like limiting our time together on purpose, when I think he should want to hang out with me.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> I don’t know why but this drives me crazy. First off... I don’t care if my boyfriend plays video games. I play video games. But the difference is, I play when I have downtime, or when I’m bored, or just a way to pass time.
> 
> So every Saturday my boyfriend wakes up, he gets his coffee and he goes into the spare room and plays video games. It drives me insane. And when I bring it up, he says, well when I’m up I’m up and I’m ready to go for the day. So to me, it’s strange that when he is “up and ready to go” he chooses to play video games with his time.
> 
> ...


There is a huge generation gap when it comes to gaming, many do not accept it or understand it. For me, gaming only becomes a problem when it overtakes other priorities in life, same as any other hobby. It doesn't even look like in your boyfriend's case it's the latter. He wants to clean and do chores (and he works) but yes his timing is off. Simply explain that to him and fix his schedule, or make plans to be met at a certain time and it's up to him to manage his time. I'm sure you guys can meet halfway, but don't try to take his gaming from him, he will grow to resent you, and then games WILL become his escapism until you have to let him go. However if you can't accept him gaming at all, it's time to let him go as well.

Perhaps try to see why gaming for him is enjoyable, it's come a long way from the days of silly little games you see in the arcade, now they can be full blown universes that you would have only normally found in book series or complex TV shows. My girlfriend and I game together, from casual, mindless cooperative games like Overcooked, screaming at each other laughing throwing food at each other, to playing deep stories like Witcher (now also a netflix series) side by side. Maybe on one Saturday have him finish his chores early so you two can have a gaming afternoon together.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> Having options or not having options?



Having options. 👍🙂


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Okay, my bad, but your first post said you like to get up on Saturday and clean house. So now he's telling you he's up ready to do something and feeling energetic. And then you are still laying around or drinking coffee, but once you do get up, you just want to clean house? Fun, fun. How is your sitting around like slug drinking cups of coffee any different than him playing video games? You're both doing nothing physical, not getting out of the house, not doing anything productive.
> 
> First of all, I do not buy that either of you are at peak energy if you have to sit around and drink coffee that bad and all he's geared up for is laying around playing video games. If he was wanting to do anything energetic, he wouldn't sit doing video games, which is only a step up from resting in bed, if that. And you wouldn't take forever to wake yourself up with coffee. I mean, there is nothing physical about either of those things that suggests "peak energy." So someone is building a false premise.
> 
> ...


So there’s confusion and I’ll try to clarify. It’s not so much the lack of chores as it is, how he is spending his time Saturday mornings. 

I like to wake up early because I don’t like to waste the day. When I wake up, it takes me time to feel awake. So Saturday mornings I wake up at 730-8, and I go to the kitchen and make some coffee. I need some time before I’m awake. I would love to ideally have coffee with my boyfriend and slowly start our day together but I understand that’s unrealistic. Once I’m fully up and caffeinated, I am ready to start the day, and I choose to be productive in getting cleaning /laundry done and/or working out. Then I shower, and I’m ready for what the day brings me because my “to do list” is done. 

My boyfriend usually wakes up 630-7. And he is wide awake. He usually gets coffee and takes it to his computer where he will play video games. Which are competitive and not so much lazy if that makes sense. They are smart and strategic and require you to think quickly. He will spend hours playing video games. So by the time I’m done with my to do list, and I’m showered. He is still un-showered, and In his pajamas. 

It’s not so much the lack of chores but him spending that time playing video games that bothers me. I would rather he, spend time with me, have sex with me, make a big breakfast/brunch with me and talk with me, just decompress and relax with me, or do chores with me, or exercise to get it out Of the way or whatever. 

I think overall what I want is for us to have more of a routine time spent together. I don’t care if it’s making breakfast, going on a daily walk, doing chores together, sitting on the couch reading the paper, as long as we are doing something together I will be happy. And I just feel like our times don’t match up. And when I want to be together, he will choose to have alone time playing video games. Or then later in the day, he will then have to do chores and errands and get some work done. And I just feel like I am always left alone for whatever reason.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> There is a huge generation gap when it comes to gaming, many do not accept it or understand it. For me, gaming only becomes a problem when it overtakes other priorities in life, same as any other hobby. It doesn't even look like in your boyfriend's case it's the latter. He wants to clean and do chores (and he works) but yes his timing is off. Simply explain that to him and fix his schedule, or make plans to be met at a certain time and it's up to him to manage his time. I'm sure you guys can meet halfway, but don't try to take his gaming from him, he will grow to resent you, and then games WILL become his escapism until you have to let him go. However if you can't accept him gaming at all, it's time to let him go as well.
> 
> Perhaps try to see why gaming for him is enjoyable, it's come a long way from the days of silly little games you see in the arcade, now they can be full blown universes that you would have only normally found in book series or complex TV shows. My girlfriend and I game together, from casual, mindless cooperative games like Overcooked, screaming at each other laughing throwing food at each other, to playing deep stories like Witcher (now also a netflix series) side by side. Maybe on one Saturday have him finish his chores early so you two can have a gaming afternoon together.


I play video games so I get it. I don’t care that he games. My problem is that gaming is becoming his go to when he needs to relax and decompress. And i can see him developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s like when people teach for alcohol after a long day, he is reaching for his controller after a long day. 

Gaming is fun, and when you game it should be because you want to have fun. But he is gaming now to relax himself, and unwind as well as have fun. 
The problem with gaming is that he does it solo. So if he had a long hard time, I would much rather have him unwind with something that I to can enjoy with him that will bring us closer together. Like a walk, or a bubble bath, or drinking wine while making dinner. Or whatever.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> There is a huge generation gap when it comes to gaming, many do not accept it or understand it. For me, gaming only becomes a problem when it overtakes other priorities in life, same as any other hobby. It doesn't even look like in your boyfriend's case it's the latter. He wants to clean and do chores (and he works) but yes his timing is off. Simply explain that to him and fix his schedule, or make plans to be met at a certain time and it's up to him to manage his time. I'm sure you guys can meet halfway, but don't try to take his gaming from him, he will grow to resent you, and then games WILL become his escapism until you have to let him go. However if you can't accept him gaming at all, it's time to let him go as well.
> 
> Perhaps try to see why gaming for him is enjoyable, it's come a long way from the days of silly little games you see in the arcade, now they can be full blown universes that you would have only normally found in book series or complex TV shows. My girlfriend and I game together, from casual, mindless cooperative games like Overcooked, screaming at each other laughing throwing food at each other, to playing deep stories like Witcher (now also a netflix series) side by side. Maybe on one Saturday have him finish his chores early so you two can have a gaming afternoon together.


Oh and the other thing is, just suggesting he not play video games and maybe do something more productive Saturday mornings started a huge fight. Me talking to him about his timing being off is then a fight about me being controlling and trying to change him.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

The two of you do not seem compatible. I think every relationship struggles with balancing free time with household chores, but his inability to schedule his day and be prepared would drive me insane. "Forgetting" to do laundry for a trip sounds like something a teenager would say. 

Would you feel less irritated about video games if he was otherwise buttoned-up/contributing to the household? The video games may be something easier to blame this problem on rather than identifiying that his reliance on you to get things done is annoying.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> So there’s confusion and I’ll try to clarify. It’s not so much the lack of chores as it is, how he is spending his time Saturday mornings.
> My boyfriend usually wakes up 630-7. And he is wide awake. He usually gets coffee and takes it to his computer where he will play video games. Which are competitive and not so much lazy if that makes sense. They are smart and strategic and require you to think quickly. He will spend hours playing video games. So by the time I’m done with my to do list, and I’m showered. He is still un-showered, and In his pajamas.


His choice of games is good, keeps his brain sharp and active like playing chess, will also help him in later years. He probably doesn't shower to squeeze in as much gaming time as possible lol



> I like to wake up early because I don’t like to waste the day. When I wake up, it takes me time to feel awake. So Saturday mornings I wake up at 730-8, and I go to the kitchen and make some coffee. I need some time before I’m awake. I would love to ideally have coffee with my boyfriend and slowly start our day together but I understand that’s unrealistic. Once I’m fully up and caffeinated, I am ready to start the day, and I choose to be productive in getting cleaning /laundry done and/or working out. Then I shower, and I’m ready for what the day brings me because my “to do list” is done... It’s not so much the lack of chores but him spending that time playing video games that bothers me. I would rather he, spend time with me, have sex with me, make a big breakfast/brunch with me and talk with me, just decompress and relax with me, or do chores with me, or exercise to get it out Of the way or whatever... I think overall what I want is for us to have more of a routine time spent together. I don’t care if it’s making breakfast, going on a daily walk, doing chores together, sitting on the couch reading the paper, as long as we are doing something together I will be happy. And I just feel like our times don’t match up. And when I want to be together, he will choose to have alone time playing video games. Or then later in the day, he will then have to do chores and errands and get some work done. And I just feel like I am always left alone for whatever reason.


Well, as I mentioned, try to shift up his timing, and if not then it's just a compatibility issue. I used to have a boat and a hang glider, hobbies which takes WAY more than just a morning to get through! And dangerous too! He takes up what? 5 hours for himself?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

moulinyx said:


> The two of you do not seem compatible. I think every relationship struggles with balancing free time with household chores, but his inability to schedule his day and be prepared would drive me insane. "Forgetting" to do laundry for a trip sounds like something a teenager would say.
> 
> Would you feel less irritated about video games if he was otherwise buttoned-up/contributing to the household? The video games may be something easier to blame this problem on rather than identifiying that his reliance on you to get things done is annoying.


Your 100% right. If I was happy and didn’t feel neglected and felt like I have a partner contributing equally I probably wouldn’t care about the video games on Saturday’s. 

I’m going to try to have a talk with him about it soon. It’s hard because tomorrow we are actually hanging out and doing something fun together, and I’m afraid if I bring up a serious conversation then, I will understand why he doesn’t want to hang out with me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Girl_power,

I'm a gamer and I have been since playing DnD in HS--which is 40 years ago! Sometimes I do games on a system like Xbox or Steam...sometimes I do phone games...and sometimes I do games on the computer. But since I'm an introvert and a bit of a geeky nerd, it's my way to unwind and socialize in that I'm doing something with folks who are also interested in gaming. 

I personally do it for the achievements. I like to learn how to build my own armor or earn the title "Dragon Slayer" or whatever thing I want to achieve. I also do it so I can be in a union or guild of other players who help each other out--bigger players help little players, pass it forward once you grow, etc. To me, calculating the DPS of various builds and researching the best talents is fun. It's like a neutral, non-work activity that is also something I can be proud of. 

Now, a couple things stand out in your posts that I'd kind of like to point out to you. 

1) Your SO is a grown man, and if you were to leave or die or in some other way not be in his life, he would find a way to get to work, do his chores, pay his bills and play his game. Just because he doesn't do it "your way" or "when you want to" doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just different (as in, "not the same") and his way and his timing is just as legitimate and appropriate and natural and reasonable as your way and your timing. It's actually fairly disrespectful to just blow him off because he is not the same as you. 

Here's a story of how I learned this lesson. I used to want my exH to help out with the kids, change diapers, or load the dishwasher now and then, and he never would. I'd nag and nag and nag and he might half-heartedly try, but he'd grumble or try and give up. Invariably I would criticize what he did or how he did it! Like, "Oh my god I asked you to change one easy diaper and you had a fit and did it wrong? What is wrong with you that you don't know how to do something so simple?" Now that I look at that--I can see why he didn't want to even try! And you know what happened that made me "see" it? One day he changed the diaper and I don't know how but he put it on completely backward and I didn't notice. And you know what happened? NOTHING. It's a diaper--it caught the poo and pee! LOL That's when I realized that even if it was utterly and completely "wrong" it still did the job. And then I thought about all the times he load the dishwasher and I'd say "You don't load that there! My god why do I have to tell you over and over?" So the next night I left that pan on the top rack and you know what happened? NOTHING! A dishwasher washes the dishes! It got wet, got washed, and dried (even on the top rack)! 

2) My Beloved Buddhist is a very neat man AND he also likes to game. His game is about war stuff that I just isn't my cuppa tea. Now, I did play with him for a little while to get to know the strategies and learn the data about the different kind of vehicles, etc. but it didn't hold my interest, ya know? So what we do, instead of me making him do "my thing" or him making me do "his thing" is what we call "parallel playing." We sit right beside each other and it is designated "play time." We can game, read, write, paint, crochet, listen to music...whatever. Usually he will play his game or do some homeowners' paperwork...while I play my game or write on TAM (lol). We periodically stop and watch the other...or hold hands for a while...or bring up a topic about what we're doing (learned something new or did something cool). THEN when we do chores, we also do them together but sometimes in a parallel way. For example, sometimes we both work on "washing the floor" (one moves furniture - the other mops) and sometimes one vacuums while the other dusts. See what I mean? Doing "parallel play" or "parallel work" means each gets to be who they are and follow their interests/hobbies (or their strengths and skills) but at the same time they share it with the other person. 

3) Speaking of games, it's for fun. It's play. But it can also be kind of intellectual and interesting stuff. Why don't you learn more about his game? Ever watched him play? Ever researched his race, class, or specialty? Ever helped him calculate his DPS? Even know what that means? My point is that maybe you don't like the cartoony look of whatever game (or how it's too realistic or whatever) but often with many of today's games there are aspects that you might enjoy that you could do WITH him to show that you are interested enough in HIM to see what he likes about this game. Some people are WAY into statistics. Some raid for prizes and gear. Some just like the jumping and shooting and goofing around. So it's important to him for some reason--what is it?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> It blows my mind thinking about my grandparents generation and how they never lived together before marriage and basically never got divorced. The patience they must have developed is amazing haha


Less about patience probably and more about necessity. Divorce was a scandal for my grandparents’ generation and only slightly less so for my parents’ generation in my conservative part of the country. My generation is the one who took full advantage of no-fault when it came in. Without it, many would still be stuck in miserable marriages. Some are anyway but at least now there’s a choice.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> I play video games so I get it. I don’t care that he games. My problem is that gaming is becoming his go to when he needs to relax and decompress. And i can see him developing unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s like when people teach for alcohol after a long day, he is reaching for his controller after a long day.
> 
> Gaming is fun, and when you game it should be because you want to have fun. But he is gaming now to relax himself, and unwind as well as have fun.


After a 12 hour day at work, nothing switches me off more sharply than an hour of gaming. Just wham bam what happened at work? Meh...
Furthermore, it's not addictive like alcohol (I used to be an alcoholic until I got pancreatitis so I know the difference) and can be switched off anytime...



> The problem with gaming is that he does it solo. So if he had a long hard time, I would much rather have him unwind with something that I to can enjoy with him that will bring us closer together. Like a walk, or a bubble bath, or drinking wine while making dinner. Or whatever.


Ooooh, think this is the main problem. Have you told him that? Maybe take him out on Friday night? Won't fix the saturday mornings - he would be passed out until noon instead 🤣 



Girl_power said:


> Oh and the other thing is, just suggesting he not play video games and maybe do something more productive Saturday mornings started a huge fight. Me talking to him about his timing being off is then a fight about me being controlling and trying to change him.


Well yeah, that would be expected. Give him an alternative, don't try to get forbid him straight out.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> Oh and the other thing is, just suggesting he not play video games and maybe do something more productive Saturday mornings started a huge fight. *Me talking to him about his timing being off is then a fight about me being controlling and trying to change him.*


That's because from HIS perspective, it's YOUR timing that is off, not his, and YOU are the one who needs to change, not him.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to spend more time with him than you do but you want it to be on your terms. He views you as trying to change him because … you are.

What you need is someone more like you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> @Girl_power,
> 
> 2) My Beloved Buddhist is a very neat man AND he also likes to game. His game is about war stuff that I just isn't my cuppa tea. Now, I did play with him for a little while to get to know the strategies and learn the data about the different kind of vehicles, etc. but it didn't hold my interest, ya know? So what we do, instead of me making him do "my thing" or him making me do "his thing" is what we call "parallel playing." We sit right beside each other and it is designated "play time." We can game, read, write, paint, crochet, listen to music...whatever. Usually he will play his game or do some homeowners' paperwork...while I play my game or write on TAM (lol). We periodically stop and watch the other...or hold hands for a while...or bring up a topic about what we're doing (learned something new or did something cool). THEN when we do chores, we also do them together but sometimes in a parallel way. For example, sometimes we both work on "washing the floor" (one moves furniture - the other mops) and sometimes one vacuums while the other dusts. See what I mean? Doing "parallel play" or "parallel work" means each gets to be who they are and follow their interests/hobbies (or their strengths and skills) but at the same time they share it with the other person.


Hmmm, good advice, my girlfriend and I do that when we are at home, we can game or I can do my studies and she games or vice versa. We are always beside each other when together. After about an hour or so we have 'cuddle' breaks  ... which sometimes last for hours and she has to drag us both off the bed or other furniture. Also when my daughter is with her mum we do our chores naked around the place, sometimes to leads to some fun too!

Never even considered it as "parellel activities", should be a thing.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RandomDude said:


> After a 12 hour day at work, nothing switches me off more sharply than an hour of gaming. Just wham bam what happened at work? Meh...
> Furthermore, it's not addictive like alcohol (I used to be an alcoholic until I got pancreatitis so I know the difference) and can be switched off anytime...
> 
> 
> ...


I get it. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with working 12hrs then coming home and wanting to play video games. But personally, I can not be with someone who chooses to do this, I would be very lonely and very unhappy. 


At the end of the day I need a relationship with partner. And to me, a relationship means time, and effort. And there are a lot of people who just want to shack up with people and have sex and kids together and live their own life completely. I am not one of those people. I need to be involved with my partner, I want to be teammates, and best friends. I don’t want to feel lonely in my own house with my partner there. And if my partner was working 12hrs, then came home to play video games... I would not be ok with that. The thought of that breaks my heart actually. 


I’m going to talk to my boyfriend. He doesn’t play that many video games, but he is flirting with the line.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Fozzy said:


> I think this has more to do with how society viewed divorce at the time. I think many of our grandparents probably ended up with (often well-hidden) bottomless pits of rage and resentment because they weren't as free to walk away from bad relationships. They weren't saints, they just didn't have options.


My Nana (my mother's mother) was absolutely bitter and resentful about my Grandpa - they were totally opposite people who barely communicated, but they looked like the perfect couple from the outside, and my Nana always took care of ALL her responsibilities to him, and he to her. Divorce wasn't even thought of, EVER.

But when she turned 64 (nearly 30 years ago), they found a lump on her liver (that she felt herself) which turned out to be cancer...and I always wondered if the bitterness that she couldn't dispel from her spirit might have contributed to the type of illness that took her life (in 3 months from dx)...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Openminded said:


> You want to spend more time with him than you do but you want it to be on your terms. He views you as trying to change him because … you are.
> 
> What you need is someone more like you.


I want him to make me more of a priority. However he wants to do that is fine with me. But it requires time and effort. If that is too much for him, then there is no point of being together.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I've gotta say, the last thing I want to do Saturday morning is get up early, do chores, and exercise to "get it out of the way". Saturday is a lazy day. Ha Sunday, too. Sometimes in the winter, I'll be in my pajamas until noon. It doesn't mean I'm not an excellent and connected partner.

I put in my time of getting up at 6 am _7 days a week_ with kids, getting going right away, putting in laundry, getting breakfast for 4 people, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. etc. 

I realize your boyfriend isn't in a POST children---- been-there-done-that-getting-going-doing-****-right-away-in-the-mornings-on-the-weekends phase, but he is in the pre-children---- I can get up and game if I want to because I'm not married with children phase. 

His personality isn't like yours. Maybe you aren't compatible. Maybe he wouldn't be a team player if you were married with kids. You should find out.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It's just not your call what your boyfriend chooses to do with his time. You date to see if you're compatible. You're not, but I have to say it's because you expect him to act like you, and he's his own person. See, you seem to think your way is the right way. There is no right way and every person has their own way, especially about mornings of days off. 

You simply cannot change a person. You have to dump them and look for one that is a better match. I think your expectations for a boyfriend to be on your schedule and do what you want to do is very unfair and unrealistic. But I honestly think any man is going to have a problem with you trying to prod them to do things your way in the mornings on their day off, I really do. You've got to learn to love people for who they are or move on when it's a dealbreaker. I think you'll have a helluva time finding any guy who agrees to just wake up when you do, drink coffee as long as you do, do housework because that's YOUR habit, and then shower and go do what you want to do. It's too controlling. Each man is his own person. You find one you can live with without trying to prod him into doing things your way. 

Look, I'm not trying to be harsh with you. I love your posts on this board, so don't get the wrong idea, but you need some perspective here. A lot of this problem is you expecting another person to do things just your way. One day I hope you find someone who you think is fun and exciting enough to sometimes want to do things their way at least part of the time -- or that you become independent enough that you don't expect your boyfriend to be your twin and do everything together.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Girl_power said:


> I get it. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with working 12hrs then coming home and wanting to play video games. But personally, I can not be with someone who chooses to do this, I would be very lonely and very unhappy.
> 
> At the end of the day I need a relationship with partner. And to me, a relationship means time, and effort. And there are a lot of people who just want to shack up with people and have sex and kids together and live their own life completely. I am not one of those people. I need to be involved with my partner, I want to be teammates, and best friends. I don’t want to feel lonely in my own house with my partner there. And if my partner was working 12hrs, then came home to play video games... I would not be ok with that. The thought of that breaks my heart actually.
> 
> I’m going to talk to my boyfriend. He doesn’t play that many video games, but he is flirting with the line.


That's the thing, he doesn't even do that! He does it on Saturday mornings for what? 5 hours? Which is 5 hours for the whole week as well!

Yes, you two do have an incompatibility but you can make it work, such a simple compromise. I know alot of people say just keep dating until you find someone more compatible but it's extremely rare to have everything 100%, and if that's the case you may not even grow to be the person you are meant to be in the future if life is so darn easy.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I want him to make me more of a priority. However he wants to do that is fine with me. But it requires time and effort. If that is too much for him, then there is no point of being together.


Your problems with him aren’t new IIRC. He doesn’t appear interested in compromising but he always comes back when you break up. So where does that leave you?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Any chance you could get up early with him and join playing the games with him? Although I don’t know if he might prefer that time to himself.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Maybe he can bring balance to your type A ways.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Yea I wonder if knowing you don’t have options allows you to let go of the anger and resentment easier.
> I honestly find it fascinating how they didn’t kill each other, and they still appeared pleasant and happy all the time.
> I think there is something hard to do it when you have to share small apartment....


My grandparents were trying to split several times.... but is hard to do when you are sharing small apartment. 
They weren’t better than us, they were more miserable


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Frankly, @Girl_power, this will not get easier with time. You have completely different personality types. 
Add children to it, and all that laundry, chores will be on you. The resentments will grow with every year. He doesn't think about these things, doesnt plan so you will end up either mothering him and growing resentful or your house will be in chaos, and you will hate it too. 
At my house Saturday mornings are lazy time, with espresso, good book, still in pijamas....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Girl_power said:


> I can’t tell if I am reading too much Into everything or ignoring red flags.


Probably a little of both.



Girl_power said:


> But my point is still the same, it’s strange *to me* that when he is awake and full of energy every Saturday morning he chooses to play video games.


Just because it's strange to you, doesn't mean it is honey.



Girl_power said:


> Oh and the other thing is, just suggesting he not play video games and maybe do something more productive Saturday mornings started a huge fight. *Me talking to him about his timing being off is then a fight about me being controlling and trying to change him*.


That's exactly what you're trying to do honey, and in the long run it will only backfire on you.

I see an incompatibility here, but nothing that can't be overcome, with a little compromise on both sides. But moreso from you - he's not gaming for hours every night or all weekend. Take a breath, relax, everything doesn't need to be done right then...it can wait. Heck, sometimes I'll have a to do list for myself of things that need to get done, and there's days where I look at it and say "Meh" and take the dogs to the park lol. 

He could bring some balance to your life, and help you learn to relax a little


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> Maybe it just reminds me of my dad. My dad always did his own thing, and he chose not to do things with us (my mom and brothers). It was weird and there was always a disconnect.


Have you gotten any resolve about this within yourself?

Also, what do you like to do that is completely silly and immature? Play-time is a healthy outlet  You likened the scenario to a kid watching cartoons on Saturday morning... well, in recent years for a time, Batman and I would watch cartoons together on the weekend with breakfast. Why the heck not? Why do kids get all the fun?!


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## azimuth (May 15, 2018)

I can understand your frustration but people are different. Your idea of a good Saturday morning is to do chores. His idea is to lounge around playing video games. When I'm by myself on a Saturday morning I'm watching the shows I like. Sometimes I've seen the exact same episodes many times before, but I still would rather do that than clean. I would feel really judged if my partner criticized my downtime as not "being productive." You don't have to be productive every hour of your life. You don't have to compete with your partner on who spends their time in a "better" way.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I want him to make me more of a priority. However he wants to do that is fine with me. But it requires time and effort. If that is too much for him, then there is no point of being together.


Has he never made you feel like you are a priority to him? How does he show his love for you?

What's your love language and what's his love language?

Why aren't you and your boyfriend living together anymore?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

heartsbeating said:


> Have you gotten any resolve about this within yourself?
> 
> Also, what do you like to do that is completely silly and immature? Play-time is a healthy outlet  You likened the scenario to a kid watching cartoons on Saturday morning... well, in recent years for a time, Batman and I would watch cartoons together on the weekend with breakfast. Why the heck not? Why do kids get all the fun?!


I do have fun and I am silly. I play video games too! On my switch and DS.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

pastasauce79 said:


> Has he never made you feel like you are a priority to him? How does he show his love for you?
> 
> What's your love language and what's his love language?
> 
> Why aren't you and your boyfriend living together anymore?


We had a great relationship in the beginning it’s just going downhill fast.

My love language is physics touch, and words of affirmation. His is words of affirmation and acts of service.

We had a big fight and broke up. He only took half his stuff with him. We had some time apart, and of course started talking again. That’s where we are now. 

It’s definitely turned into a toxic relationship. I can’t bring up anything serious to him without him yelling and getting into a tit for tat and blowing everything up. He tells me he loves me and we will get through it. But I tell him we need to learn how to communicate and fight healthily. He admitted he doesn’t know how to do that. I sent him a good article about it and he said that’s a really good idea blah blah. But when it happens again, he just gets so mad, attacks me and hangs up the phone or whatever.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It may have been great in the beginning but the masks are off and it’s real now. Maybe he really does love you. But he doesn’t love you the way you want to be loved because that’s not who he is. I ended a long relationship because the way he loved me was not the way I wanted to be loved. It was tough to face but we weren’t compatible, unfortunately. Loving someone doesn’t mean a relationship will work. If it did, most of us would still be married.

Your drive isn’t his drive. In time, that will drive you bsc. IIRC, the two of you have broken up at least two times now. When that happens, you are apart for a little while and then one of you pursues the other so you get back together and … the cycle repeats. That’s going to be your life with him. If you do want children, he’s not the one to have them with.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> It’s definitely turned into a toxic relationship. I can’t bring up anything serious to him without him yelling and getting into a tit for tat and blowing everything up. He tells me he loves me and we will get through it. But I tell him we need to learn how to communicate and fight healthily. He admitted he doesn’t know how to do that. I sent him a good article about it and he said that’s a really good idea blah blah. But when it happens again, he just gets so mad, attacks me and hangs up the phone or whatever.


It's not a good relationship when your boyfriend blows up, attacks you, and hangs up the phone on you. That's extremely rude too.

You both can love each other but that doesn't mean you are having a healthy relationship.

Compatibility issues are a red flag, and no matter how much you love him you are always going to feel your are missing something. Why continuing something that doesn't fill you up completely? Are you afraid of being alone?

You have to decide if you can live with him the way he is. Otherwise break up and move on.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

And? How did it go this morning?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

CharlieParker said:


> And? How did it go this morning?


I haven’t heard from him. Last night we got into a fight, well I was just trying to talk about something and he flipped out and hung up the phone and I haven’t heard from his sense.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I just now read the part about it reminds you of your dad. and I know it sounds odd but chances are that is why you picked him to begin with, because something about him seemed familiar to you like family. And so you're driven to fix him into a version of your dad you could love.

You will waste your life if you just keep choosing men that aren't already the engaging type and try to fix them.

I have a friend who has bad abandonment issues because of her dad and it is totally messed up who she chooses and left her feeling like a single parent when she's not because she's attracted to the ones that like her dad didn't really want to have that much to do with her and get very involved.

If your main wish in a man is to have someone who likes to have a lot of one on one time with you and do things together then you are going to really have to date a lot of men and let them know that up front so you don't waste a lot of time because when you first start dating of course they want to spend a lot of time with you but that is mostly sexual.

you are either going to have a long search ahead of you to find a man like that because there aren't very many or you were going to have to learn to deal with your dad problem so that you aren't tied to making someone fit in that mold and can be less controlling and more flexible.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Referring to your FOO--have you grown into adulthood hearing tapes in your head about what 'should' be the way things are? Have you always sought the regimen you follow? Your yearning--that is the basis of your actions--for a certain kind of relationship seem to have the opposite from your desired effect.

Did someone in your youth emphasize the importance of 'doing' as opposed to 'being'? Both of your personalities/needs are real--just different.

Only y'all can decide if you can meld /compromise your embedded lifestyle desires. How/why did you choose the name Girl_power?

When he 'plays games' does he not only interfere with what you would like to be an effort to free up together time, but he also is mostly oblivious of you period? He is totally invested in HIS thing? This can be the root of the conundrum. How surprised would he be if you developed connection and intimacy with a new start now? I'm thinking your frustration bubbles out a lot. His resentment seethes down deep inside. This conflict creates a barrier/hardness that kills a togetherness relationship.

Have y'all tried an outside MC to aid repair in your relationship? Is it worth it? Good luck.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Electric Prune said:


> Oh no! What an awful mismatch.
> 
> Firstly, this isn’t a question of difference of opinion: you are dead right in seeing* this as immature and impractical. No adult in an LT relationship should be waking up and gaming routinely on a Saturday. *Have you tried just putting it him bluntly in this way?
> 
> ...


And that is not all! He Farts!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I missed the part where he moved out...that changes things a little. It's very hard in any relationship, but especially a romantic relationship to go backwards and then go long term. The hanging up and sulking is the biggest issue here imo. That's just ridiculous on his part.

My husband and I are polar opposites - he's more like you and I'm more like your bf. The thing is, if we were both like him, we'd be super stressed and serious, and if we were both like me we'd be "having talks" all the time and snuggling and being silly and nothing would get done, pmsl. We balance each other out beautifully - I bring out his funny side and help him not to take everything so seriously, and he brings out my serious side when it's needed. But we're both on the same page about pretty much everything, and the things we feel differently about, we respect each other enough to either let it go, or just agree to disagree.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well at least I got to go kayaking.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Mr. Nail said:


> View attachment 71097
> 
> 
> Well at least I got to go kayaking.


Me too! I went with a friend lol.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm glad you didn't cancel the recreational plans.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Girl_power said:


> I haven’t heard from him. Last night we got into a fight, well I was just trying to talk about something and he flipped out and hung up the phone and I haven’t heard from his sense.



There's your answer. Once his actions are repetitively destructive as we're hearing of .
...
.the little voice in your mind you hear saying time to break up is right on the money.

Don't make a big deal of the break up, it will just fade away.

Save yourself.


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