# 13 years gone in 72 hours



## Roy (Aug 12, 2009)

I know that this forum is strictly for married couples but my girlfriend and i have (were) together for 13 years and lived together anyhow - so in my eyes we were no less married than any other married couple.

What has happened is that the love of my life, my best friend and the one who i was planning to ask to marry me at the end of this year has suddenly told me that she is in love with a another guy.

My girlfriend is currently in Europe on a 4 month holiday, and has primarilly travelled alone. She is not due back until 24 September.

I have been missing her incrediably but we have been in regular email communication where the love that we each share for each other pours off the screen.

However, much to my surprise and gut wrenching heartache only 2 weeks ago (and 3 days after i got an email from her professing her undenying love for me) i got a phone call saying that she has met another guy and is in love with him. Needless to say this is killing me! This is my beautiful. 

I said that i will come to her immediately but she told me not too. A few days ago i got a txt msg saying she doesn't love me anymore. I am so confused. How is this happening? What do i do?

I haven't slept in days. To my embarrassment i cry everynight in bed. My work is suffering and i can't go to the gym. She is all i think about.

I love her and all the silly little things that she does. But any communication i get from her now it is like she is a different person. The beautiful girl i knew is no more.

What should i do


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

you should go back to the gym.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

That you were not legally married, not much you can do. She has left so your going to have to deal with it and move on.
If you were legally married you would also have to go through a huge legal matter, so maybe you should cojnt your blessings as she left and thats that.
You should try to find the positives in this, which is all you can do. One person alone cannot have a relationship. Perhaps some ind. counseling if you have trouble coping.


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

It is OK to cry. It is only because you love her.

Is there any issues between you? Does she wants to marry you? Or is this why she is running away from?

I think you should consider going to Europe to see her anyway. I hear that you want her very much. You should go the extra length to get her.


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

She's taking a four month vacation in Europe without you? Sounds a little fishy to me to begin with... are you sure she didn't go just to meet this guy? 

It also sounds like 'out of sight, out of mind'.


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## Harvard (Aug 11, 2009)

yep...read between the lines


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## Roy (Aug 12, 2009)

Thanks for comments. You should know that i am not prepared to let my girlfriend walk away from me. Only three weeks ago she was telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to see me. It is as if she is possessed or something. The girl that i speak to now is not the same girl who i have loved for 13 years.

The ppl that i have spoken to say it is a travel thing, she is away from reality and once she returns she will be back to her old self. Prior to her going away we never had a trust issue. I was the only guy she had ever been with - we are high school sweethearts.

I am so confussed and depressed. She wants (well wanted to marry me) She asked me prior to leaving why i hadn't already asked her. But we do have some issues. She has been battling depression (she never told me until moments before she left) and i now think that someone is taking advantage of her. She doesn't want me to come over to her. 

She is the only girl i know how to be with. Ppl say that things will be fine - but they don't know what it is like to lose your best friend, soul mate and lover all in the one day.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

So sorry to hear what you're going through. Been there done that. My soon to be ex husband flushed 16 years down the toilet for some home wrecking skank he met last summer through work. She isn't in an adult frame of mind. This NEW person is just stirring teenage feelings in her that won't last. It's new and exciting. That's the only thing she's thinking about. You can't MAKE someone see sense or love you. They have to figure it out on their own that the choices they make were awful and not well thought out. Maybe you should accept her decision and wait it out to see if this is permanent or just a fling. Either way, why would you want someone who would treat all the years you had together this casually and shallowly?


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Is it possible she's been kidnapped and someone dude is just sending you these texts to get you off the scent? Was she staying at hostels? Perhaps on in some 3rd world former soviet bloc country? Is this a movie you watched?


How long have you lived together? There is a thing called common law marriages. But really, there is no way you can force someone to come back to you...married or not.



John


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

You're right. Extended traveling can be a transformative experience. Usually it means in a good way. It opens your eyes to a lot of new things and challenge many assumptions you have held in the culture you grow up with. It can also result in so much personal growth that she now feel there is a distance between you two.

Is this the first time she go on a long trip, alone or with others? I wonder why you wasn't going with her in the first place. Is she a very independent person?

If her change is actually due to this trip you shouldn't expect things will go back to the exact same way once she is back. Once people experienced growth the world will not look the same again. Perhaps the best is for you to experience this with her together. But then it is hard to do anything if she is not asking anything from you. I still thing you should go to see her in person to talk it over.


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## Roy (Aug 12, 2009)

We have lived together for a year, and before that while we didn't officially live together she would stay at my house nearly every night. We would spend every moment together.

So the fact that she has now turned into a different person and is cutting me out of her life is very difficult. Believe me i would be over there in a heart beat if she wanted me to go...but ultimately i don't think that me going over there with her in the mood and living the lifestyle that she currently is, that it would bring any benefit.

All i can do is give her space and not get too in her face. What i have to do to possibly get my beautiful back is the hardest thing in the world and that is to do nothing. I can just keep sending her emails and txts just reassuring her that i still lover her and will always support her.

It is my biggest regreat not going with her. But i had just started a new job and just bought our new house so i simply couldn't afford it. What has happened and the way she is acting is just not her. This is not the way that her and i are.

Just so gut wrenchingly painful. You can't just throw away 13 years in a heartbeat...surely we are worth fighting for and the last 13 years haven't been a waste. Cause as far as i am concerned she could never be replaced and no other girl could be as special to me as she is


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well to be blunt, men that watch their sex partners leave alone for vacation in foreign countries for four months are going to get cheated on at best, and displaced at worst.

She quite probably does love you still. She's just found someone with a better genetic match than you and is ****stunned by him.

If she comes back to you, she'll always dream of him ****ing her at best, and pregnant at worst.

If you liked it, you shoulda put a ring on it.


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## Roy (Aug 12, 2009)

that is my beautiful you are talking about, so have some respect!

She means more to me than my own well being. The fact that we are not married, and the decision that i made to wait until i could afford a ring half as beautiful as her before i asked her to marry me is a decision instead of just relying on love...is a decision that i now have to live with.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Many women want their men to ask them for marriage without prompting them to do so. They won't make a fuss about it, just wait. It's a sort of a test.

And she waited and waited and waited while her friends and family rolled their eyes and told her to stop waiting.

The point of the trip was to force the issue. You were meant to puff up like a Silverback and stop her leaving you. And you didn't.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It didn't happen in 72 hours. It's been happening for a long time. Do not kid yourself, please. The relationship was over long before she left, and the trip was her way of making it easy on both of you. But if she was depressed, and you didn't know THAT, what else didn't you know? Furthermore, her depression may well have had to do with the relationship and how unhappy she was underneath--feelings she could not identify or label, perhaps. But, a happy, in-love and loving partner does not simply "fall in love" with someone else. 

I am sorry for you, Roy, and I encourage you to see this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Work with a therapist, first, on you and your sadness. Then, keep working on what it takes to make a relationship last, on identifying warning signs, on communicating clearly and helping a partner do the same. 

You will not be able to "win" her back, so quit trying. All you can do is leave her alone--the texts aren't a good idea, at this point. Maybe she'll come around when she gets back to reality, but do NOT count on it. Assume she is gone for good and move your life forward, without her. You have NOTHING to lose by doing this--and everything to gain. If you move on with support, you will reach a point where you won't even take her back if she comes--that's how you'll know you did the hard emotional work it takes to become fully independent. Let her go as your final act of love for her, and heal yourself. Best of luck.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Personally, I think you should go to her. Let her SEE you. Maybe that will remind her about the life she's going to return to eventually. 

But yeah, 13 years is a long time to wait for you to **** or get off the pot. If you loved her so much, what's taken you so long to marry her?


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## aurorazz (Aug 11, 2009)

I am surprised people will be so judgemental on a support forum. Roy, I see unrelenting love in you. If you win her back it is because your unwavering love for her. I wish you a happy ending.


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## MisterUnhappy (Aug 18, 2009)

She may very well be "In-love" with the person she has found over-seas but I for one doubt she has lost all connections with you. I love my wife dearly, but the whole "I'm so In-love with you" thing seems to have faded from our relationship, and we've only been together for 4 years. It is possible for ANYONE to be "in-love" with more than one person at a time. Emotions are not rational and don't bind themselves to a single person or entity. Love can strike anyone at anytime. "Love at first sight" is not a fantasy, but is certainly not set in stone.

Let her be who she wants to be on her vacation. If you were in fact high school sweethearts who have come this far, there may very well be a part of her that feels like she is missing a huge chunk of life experience that most people have gone through, hence, her feeling of depression. (Sort of a mid-life crisis if you will)

Don't give up hope on her. Don't blame her for searching either. If you are meant to be together, she will come back too you.


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## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Sincerely sorry about your situation Roy. It must feel terrible. A few points:

1) Even if she doesnt come back to u, u have a been a major part of her life and part of what has made her the person she is today. Take some comfort in that.

2) Let things run their course. Youre right not to fly over there. When she gets back to the States and/or her enamoredness over this new guy wears off, she will come back to reality and realize u just dont sever 13 years with the person u were planning on spending the rest of your life with in this whimsical a fashion. 

3) Your primary concern should be yourself right now. Find your strength. Keep your chin up. And know that, even though it might not seem like it now, no matter what happens youre gonna be alright.


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## Roy (Aug 12, 2009)

well thanks for all the comments. But it is now officially over. She has been posting pictures of her and this other bloke on her facebook and has truly moved on.

So while this is gutwrenching and so so hurtfil i have to face reality (even if she isn't) and try as best as i can to let go of her.

It is clear that this other guy has taken advantage of her and played on any issues that she had with me to his best advantage. So he sounds like a bloke of real high moral fibre.

My ex and i have been in a bit of email and sms contact over the last couple of nights. She says she misses me and thinks about me all the time, but just can not be happy with me. I make her cry and not laugh. So principally it is my fault. While i know i have hurt her in the past, that was years ago and i thought we moved on. I never cheated on her or had an affair - something which she can not say.

She is ringing me tonight (she is still in europe) so we will be able to have a tiny chat. But saying goodbye to the love of my life and the only girl that i ever knew and the person who only 4 weeks ago wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, is debilitating!


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## They Call Me Smooth (May 5, 2009)

Don't take the blame dude. This is called deflecting. You didn't drive her into the arms of another man. She choose that for herself. Hold your head high and look at this time as a chance to reinvent yourself. Understand there is a world of women out there. I know it feels like you will never be happy again but it only feels that way. 

Get to the gym and take some aggression out on some weights.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I hate to be cruel here but I am sorry there is a song out there that if you wanted her you should have put a ring on it.. I can understand 3 years or maybe even 5 but 13!!!! Sorry buddy you got what you deserved. She probably was fed up with waiting and decided not to wait any more. She is heart broken cause she invested 13 years for NOTHING!! Understand she is probably hurt cause she doesn't feel you really care if you didn't ask her to marry. Good luck.


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