# Bi curious wife advice



## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy? It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unless you want to pursue swinging WITH your wife, then I'd talk to her about what you think and want for your marriage. You _can_ tell her that it's not acceptable to you any longer and she needs to make a choice to be monogamous with you, or single. You could also pursue the swinging, but with the agreement that you will be participating as well if you do (_if_ you so choose). If she's not interested in other men (e.g., swinging with another couple with a bi female), then she needs to find an acceptable bi woman who is willing to play with both of you.

We've been swingers for many years, but mostly with couples (no bi interests for either of us), although many of the women are bi/curious but don't always have to pursue that.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I would not encourage any third party to enter your marriage. While some people can swing most do not navigate this well. 

You should put your foot down and tell her if she wants to sleep with other people then you two need to divorce so that she can sew her wild oats.

If you are worried about not being a great lover that too can be fixed.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Charlie342816 said:


> Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I* feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy?* It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks


1) you need to set boundaries that don't include you being a door mat.
2) You want to make her happy? Giver her a divorce so she can be single.
3) You need to get to a doctor and get yourself checked to be safe - get a fully battery done.
4) I would suggest IC for you, one that specializes in infidelity


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## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

Thank you for your replies, we only looked into the swinging because my wife basically wants this relationship with this woman but I don’t want to be left out if it was up to me this would of never happened. After 10 good years she wants someone els after working with them for a short period of time. She can’t understand why I can’t except it because the other person is female. What if she’s falling in love with this woman. When is it time to call it quits


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## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

snerg said:


> 1) you need to set boundaries that don't include you being a door mat.
> 2) You want to make her happy? Giver her a divorce so she can be single.
> 3) You need to get to a doctor and get yourself checked to be safe - get a fully battery done.
> 4) I would suggest IC for you, one that specializes in infidelity


Do You think she is the problem?


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## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I would not encourage any third party to enter your marriage. While some people can swing most do not navigate this well.
> 
> You should put your foot down and tell her if she wants to sleep with other people then you two need to divorce so that she can sew her wild oats.
> 
> If you are worried about not being a great lover that too can be fixed.


Thanks for the reply, it seems like it’s going that way. I’m wouldn’t call myself a bad lover I just think she gets so ingrained in new friendships that she wants what they want and plays herself into thinking they’d things like calling my bad in bed


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well is this something you are actually interested in? If not the sooner it is nipped in the bud the better.

At the same time do some self reflection. Most marriages can fall into bad habits over time. Are you two spending enough time together? Have you (both of you) done anything to strengthen your marriage? Do you read or participate in any relationship building activities?

Do you need to become a better lover? Have you improved over time or become lazy and complicit? 
I would think you have some resentment over her fascination with this woman. Have you expressed your hurt feelings or are you afraid to show them?

Would you rather be in a 3 way relationship than none at all? Do you really think she'd choose this new exciting woman over you and your kids?

And yes sex can slow down after kids because of life but maybe you need to also revisit this.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I would tell her that some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies and if she really “needs” to explore sleeping with other people she’ll be doing it as a divorced woman. End.of.story. If she balks, ask her how she’d feel if you started sleeping with someone else to catch up on what you’ve missed out on by being with her from such a young age.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex-husband denied his homosexuality for our entire 23 year marriage. He tried to explore that side of himself on the down low. Thankfully my STD tests were negative. The only saving grace in your situation is that she’s been open about it.

If she really thinks she is a lesbian, let her go. It will hurt like hell at first but once you heal enough to find someone else you’ll be amazed at the difference. I should have left my ex at the first sign of his inclinations. 

Also, visit straightspouse.org for more support.

_hugs_


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## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well is this something you are actually interested in? If not the sooner it is nipped in the bud the better.
> 
> At the same time do some self reflection. Most marriages can fall into bad habits over time. Are you two spending enough time together? Have you (both of you) done anything to strengthen your marriage? Do you read or participate in any relationship building activities?
> 
> ...


Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


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## Charlie342816 (Jun 14, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I would tell her that some fantasies are meant to stay fantasies and if she really “needs” to explore sleeping with other people she’ll be doing it as a divorced woman. End.of.story. If she balks, ask her how she’d feel if you started sleeping with someone else to catch up on what you’ve missed out on by being with her from such a young age.
> 
> I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My ex-husband denied his homosexuality for our entire 23 year marriage. He tried to explore that side of himself on the down low. Thankfully my STD tests were negative. The only saving grace in your situation is that she’s been open about it.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply, she’s a great woman I just feel she makes bad decisions based on other people. I remember before the kids she had this friend and all of a sudden she loved going out and getting drunk but from nothing to going out all the time. She went out on Christmas Eve and was hungover on Christmas Day all because she changed her personality for this new friend, after that friendship fell apart she was back to normal.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Charlie342816 said:


> Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


Ok that isn't quite what I asked. Going along with her against your own desires isn't necessarily marriage building.

Sure if she wants blue paint and you like green but don't really care then you go along.

But I'm talking about actually exploring each other and doing activities which have been shown to be bonding.
There is a whole great big section of marriage books out there. I like The 5 Love Languages, Divorce Busting which I haven't read but has great reviews. I mean if you are interested in your marriage shouldn't you spend some times once a year or so making it stronger on purpose at least more time than most people spend on their phones?

It isn't up to you to stop her or let her. IT is up to you to set your boundaries. I have a boundary that if my spouse wants to sleep with others they will have to do that without my permission or divorce me first.

It seems your wife is taking on the personality traits of people she befriends except now she wants to sleep with those friends. This seems like an emotional affairs that she wants to take further. How does she know the other woman wants to sleep with her? These types of conversations also would be past my boundary. My husband isn't allowed to have conversations with women about sleeping with them or them wanting to sleep with him. You see those are intimate conversations and one of my boundaries is inappropriate conversations with people of the opposite sex. Now in your case it isn't opposite sex but it doesn't matter because they are expressing sexual interest in each other.

I think NotMyJamie maybe onto something with this homosexual thing.

But hey maybe she isn't a lesbian just bi. Doesn't matter lesbian, bi, straight. When you get married unless specifically stated before and agreed to before marriage it is assumed that married people will be monogamous.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Charlie342816 said:


> Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


I think what folks are saying is STOP going along with her ideas on this if it is against what YOU want.
IF she really feels that strongly about having a relationship with another woman, then she should do that as a SINGLE woman, not married to you. YOU did not cause her to do this. YOU being a "bad lover" didn't cause her to do this.
If she is a lesbian, or bi, you don't have the equipment to deal with that and you could NEVER fulfill her desires for that.
In reality, she is MARRIED and took and oath to YOU, not you and anyone else she wanted to bring in to the marriage.

IF she REALLY wants this, and you REALLY don't want to defend your own boundaries, then tell her "OK, if you are going to have sex with this other woman, then I am going to look for someone else to have sex with also"
I BET she won't like that idea at ALL.

"It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom."
You can't do both. YOU need to do what is right for YOU in the marriage, not bow down to her every whim. Sounds like she is pretty immature, which isn't good for a mother. Also, what type of example is she setting for the kids (and YOU for allowing this?)?


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

I've dated a woman who was bi, and sounds similar in description to your wife.

If I may be blunt, it is a mind **** navigating what you describe. She seems like she 'wants you to put your foot down, but also give her her freedom'... Uh, no! 

A mother of 2 that has that mindset is concerning to say the least. YOU will need to be the 'grown up' here and say NO if deep down you do not like where this has gone, or is heading.

If her personality is what I may suspect, she will respond to authority and boundaries in a way which makes you the navigator of the 'ship' (because it seems she may not be capable to fill that role), or, she will flake out and 'abandon ship'.

Sorry for all the nautical references, seems to be a fall back when describing relationships....

As others have said, unless you agreed to her 'exploring prior to getting married', then she either does not do so, or does it as a divorced woman. Doesn't matter whether it's a man, woman, or bloody goat, if she vowed to be married to you then 'forsaking all others' was what she agreed to when she put that ring on.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Charlie342816 said:


> I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy.Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


I imagine it's an odd situation for her, too. You go along initially and she thinks everything is fine. She adapts to the perceived situation, makes decisions, makes changes, etc. Then she finds out you actually have a different view and everything is not fine. Now she has to adapt again, change how she thinks, reverse decisions, and so on.




Charlie342816 said:


> I just feel she makes bad decisions based on other people.
> 
> she changed her personality for this new friend, after that friendship fell apart she was back to normal.


Read both sections I quoted. I think your wife has a personalty type that requires consistent boundaries. You are failing to provide them. 

This all speaks to security. It also speaks to trustworthiness. If a person cannot state how they feel and enforce their boundaries they are not honest and what they say and even do cannot be trusted as it could be false. Without boundaries there is no security.

This swinging thing is a symptom of a bigger problem. You need to learn how to identify and clearly express your thoughts and feelings. You need to learn to set and enforce boundaries.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Charlie342816 said:


> Hi everyone, new to this site and never asked anyone for advice before but I’ll give you a quick introduction to me and my wife. We are both 26 married 3 years and together 11 with 2 children. Are sex life used to be great before kids and after kids the sex has stopped to about once a month or so. That’s not the issue as that’s just life after kids haha the issue is my wife had started her Job about 1 year ago and has got really close to this girl who just happens to be a swinger with her male partner. A few months ago she started to change and would say that she missed out on sexual adventures because we got together so young and stuff, which I understand but I looked through her phone ( I know bad move) and she was searching stuff like “ I love my husband and want to sleep with other people” or “is my husband bad in bed” which really hurt. Anyway she always goes on about sleeping with this girl and that’s she wants it to be her “bit on the side” among other things and I feel like it’s my fault. how do I deal with this and make her happy? It’s really affecting me and don’t really know what to do about the situation. We have talked so much about this but nothing comes of it. We joined a swingers site to have a 3some with another girl, this was for her and for me not to touch the other girl. A few weeks ago she told me that was was over it and didn’t want to do anything with anyone and it was a relief and a bit confusing to me. Now she is going back to the idea of sleeping with someone else. The only thing that’s different is her going back to work after not working for a while and being with this girl. She has always been influenced by her friends mainly new ones and then they will fall out and then history repeats itself. Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks


Poly and swinger here, so you understand the perspective that I'm coming from.

I have read the other responses. The absolute first thing you need to do is figure out your boundaries and limitations. Decided what is acceptable (even if not desired) and what is not. Once that is done, you need to decide what are the consequences of those boundaries being violated. If you do not impose these consequences then they will be violated frequently. You also have to look closely at yourself and determine if these are actually your boundaries or ones imposed upon you by society. If the later AND not the former, then you need to work on throwing off those shackles before you can do anything.

Once you know where you stand, then you have to make sure that she does. You might consider a professional therapist or councilor to do this in front of. They can help you to ensure that your message is clear. Sadly there are many times when we think we are being clear when we are not, at least not to a specific person. Keep in mind that common sense isn't, and if we think that something should be commonly known, it probably isn't.

On top of all this, your wife should probably be checked out. Far from being a professional, it does sound like she has some type of personality issue. Especially if she is always copying other while she is with them. She will need help in overcoming this, if such is the case.

Swinging can be a great thing, but only if you already have a solid relationship, and assuming that you could enjoy such. It's not for everyone. But ultimately I don't think that the potential for swinging is the real issue here. It's your wife and her latching on to new people in the way you described. After you have done your own soul searching on your boundaries, have her get looked at.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

maquiscat said:


> On top of all this, your wife should probably be checked out. Far from being a professional, it does sound like she has some type of personality issue. Especially if she is always copying other while she is with them. She will need help in overcoming this, if such is the case.


I thought all of the advice in this post was good but this in particular was very good. Your wife is a follower. She is VERY open to suggestion which is going to lead to some serious issues as your life and marriage progress. What will happen when it's a man at the office trying to start something with her? She's pretty high risk for cheating at some point I'm sorry to say. 

Ask your wife if she has ever had sexual feelings towards a woman before? Even if someone denies that they are gay/bisexual, they've had the feelings, they just deny what they mean. If she's never had them before she may just be following what her new friend says she should be feeling/doing. 

It sounds like she has trouble with boundaries and wants you to help with that. You could put your foot down and say no. If she wants to explore that stuff she'll have to get divorced first. That might be exactly what she's hoping you'll say. Then she can go back to her new friend and say "I can't risk my marriage, sorry." I remember my mother telling me over and over as a kid "use me as your excuse when you want to get out of something you know is not right for you" ie. drinking, drugs, skipping school, etc. It worked really well until I got old enough and strong enough to just say "No" on my own without any excuse other than I didn't want to do something. 

But, she's all grown up with kids of her own so I think it's a good idea for her to get some therapy to learn how to set her own boundaries. If you don't feel comfortable telling her this alone, set up some marriage counseling so you can discuss it with the help of a professional. 

But first and foremost, if her exploring is going to kill your marriage, you need to tell her NOW. 

Again, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Charlie342816 said:


> Any advice would be much appreciate. Thanks


The nature of sex changes over time during a long term relationship. As time progresses, the reasons a couple is able to enjoy sex will change from new and exciting toward something that is more comforting, relaxed and familiar. Many people do not like this change and want things to be new and exciting again, so they seek that out which is often aided by novelties, online porn, an open marriage, or an affair.

Some people are late to discover suppressed elements of their own sexuality. This can be exacerbated if they were raised to believe that anything other than married monogamous heterosexual relationships is wrong. Generally speaking bisexuality or homosexuality is something inherit to someone's personality. While it can be undiscovered or suppressed for a period, it is an attribute that makes someone who they are as a person. While you can choose to accept or reject that in a partner, your partner can not erase that attribute in order to stay in the marriage. If you can not accept and love that part of your partner, then she may tend to feel unloved or broken. She may suppress this herself to protect the marriage which is an act of her choosing not to love herself and can cause depression/anxiety.

Not much advice. That is what it is in my opinion. 

Nothing you can do about becoming a better lover or a better man will change this. You mostly have to choose to love your wife and help her love herself or divorce and in an effort to help both of you to move on.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Charlie342816 said:


> Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


It is not a question of you putting your foot down, or not. WHAT DO YOU WANT. You are a human being, you matter, you have value, what do you want. 

Listen you are being way too passive here, I hope you can see that. 

If you want to swing with couples or just females, and YOU ARE into it as well, that is one thing. 

However, that so far does not sound like where you want to go, which is fine. 

So stand up for yourself and put up YOUR boundary, and then she can decide if that is what she wants and if not, then she can leave. It really is not that hard.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I don't think this has anything to do with you being a bad lover, she probably just wants the experience, it's something taboo/exciting for her perhaps. If you want to stay with your wife (which it seems like you do), I'd say let her hook up with the other woman, but you should be there too, every step of the way. You may not necessarily be involved, or you could just have sex with your wife while she hooks up with the woman... but you should be there! I wouldn't involve any other males, and def do not have sex with this other woman, may cause jealousy. But be aware that this can go either way, she might appreciate you more for allowing her to experience this and it can be a fun thing you both could talk about, or she might end it with you b/c she likes being with women more. Enter at your own risk...ha.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

If it wasn't this woman who seems to be her influence.
Would she want to sleep with any other woman?
She didn't go through with the swinging with a different woman, so it sounds like an infatuation with this woman in particular rather than a desperate need to explore her possible bi curiosity.

Yes when you have these strong sexual awakenings they can seem like you have discovered a true part of yourself.
Like @badsanta said. If this is a true desire and she chooses to bury it to save your relationship, it can lead to depression and anxiety, as it's true that you have to hate yourself for being yourself.

An infatuation with one particular person that she has regular contact with, might take some time and strong boundaries to deal with. The influence is always there. And the need is right now, it's not let's talk about this and see how we feel in a few months time.
It gives her more urgency to her desires.

A general curiosity with the idea or a need might have actually been easier to discuss and deal with, as you could have tested the waters very gently, if you were inclined to do so.

You will have to be clear in your head, as to whether the whole idea of her sexual curiosity is a big no for you. And say that it will lead to divorce.
Or whether it might be a future option, but you need time, and that it can't be with this particular woman as you feel she is more of a threat to your marriage due to the emotional as well as sexual connection, and the bad influence she has been on your marriage so far.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Charlie342816 said:


> Some very good points. I feel I have done my upmost to keep this relationship alive and well which in turn has caused some issues. I tend to go along with stuff like swinging to keep her happy. Iv expressed my feelings somewhat but get shot down by her saying “your a head ****” because I go along with these things and don’t say what I feel. It feels like she wants me to put my foot down but at the same time let her have her freedom. I’m not trying to put her down it’s just a very odd situation for me.


Say it like this, 'I don't share my W with any man or woman." Then walk away.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think you should focus on your sex with her. Once a month is not cutting it, especially if she has a desire to go outside the marriage. 

Have more sex. Go down on her. Do anal sex. Be more aggressive. Have fun. Make her forget about other people.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Coming from a situation that was somewhat like yours, my advice would be to leave. 

She already has it in her head to do it and one way or another, she will. With or without you. Save yourself the pain and headache and just cut your loses.


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## Farmlady (Feb 17, 2020)

I do not know all of the specifics of your relationship, but I can tell you this with 100% certainty...you cannot MAKE your wife happy. Happiness is a choice for each person. Yes, you can do things to contribute to it, but she has to decide if she is happy or not. As someone who has spent 20 years of her life trying to make someone happy who moves from one obsession to the next, I assure you, it cannot be done.

Now as far as her exploring other pastures. Unless you want to do it with her, and I mean TRULY want to do it, don't. If she threatens to walk over you saying no, by all means, let her. I speak from very recent personal experience. My husband wanted to do the same and foolishly, I went against my nature and gave in. Now we are on the verge of divorce and he doesn't even realize it. It has completely destroyed me and I have fallen out of love with him and another man has fallen for me. It is an unholy mess. If BOTH people are not fully into that lifestyle, it will most certainly end in disaster. Do not agree to this in an effort to make her happy. She's seeing how much rope you will give her. You will end up feeling used and the resentment will become unbearable.


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## Erysimum (Jun 20, 2020)

Your wife sounds like shes enamored with the idea of having sex with someone else, or at the very least a woman. You should set a boundary with her about having sex or even sexual conversations with the people she wanted to have sex with if you're not ok with it. I'd try to have an honest conversation with her about her sexuality and fetishes. She may be realizing she's gay or bi, she may be attempting polygamy consensually, or she may just be feeling sexually repressed and want to try new things - one of which being swinging or lesbian sex. If she's gay, there's not much you can do about that. If she wants polygamy and you don't then you two need to come to an agreement that doesn't involve you being trampled over. If she's feeling sexually repressed, try new things together but keep the fantasy in fantasy.


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## Chet8625 (Jul 13, 2010)

She's already in love with this woman and, probably, has already had sex with her. Now she's looking for permission so she can do it with a clear conscience or now the other woman wants the husband to join.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I think it is time your wife grew up and stopped playing this game. you also have 2 kids to consider. You are not happy with a third party in the picture. Why can't your wife be monogamous? Tell her if she cannot then maybe it is time you considered other options yourself and found someone who will have no issues just being with you. 
You have given her far too much leeway, it is all about her. You have not set any boundaries. You are so worried about losing her you refuse to push back and stand your ground. This is not going to end well because as you get older, more problems arise, she will want to take more and more and you will get less and less. Time you started thinking about the rest of your life and what YOU want. Time for your wife to also consider her future. She cannot have her cake and eat it, she is married with two kids. If she wants freedom to **** other people (regardless of whether they are women) then set her free and tell her you are considering setting her free.
You are young enough to start over with someone who doesn't need anyone else but you.
Incidendally your wife wants to cheat and let you know about it, this is a ****ty place to put anyone least of all someone you say you love. Stop letting her away with this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Chet8625 said:


> She's already in love with this woman and, probably, has already had sex with her. Now she's looking for permission so she can do it with a clear conscience or now the other woman wants the husband to join.


Go see a lawyer and tell her you are filing for divorce. Time to go scorched earth. Why are you accepting this? You are young with your whole life ahead of you, why put up with this.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I don't know, but it sounds like she's not being sexually satisfied.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She's moved on.
If I were in your position, I would simply lawyer up, have her served, and then assess what you have and can it be saved? (if that is your goal.)
IMO, it really doesn't matter if she is bi. She (I assume freely) chose to be married to you. Her getting a "bit on the side" is infidelity, and essentially voids your marriage contract. If you find that troubling, it is incumbent upon you to remove yourself from the situation.
The best way to find out if she really wants to be with you is to put the onus on her to save the marriage.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

Well, it's your call where this goes.

If you can't handle a wife that wants to have sex with other people, male or female, lawyer up and have her served with divorce papers. The ball would then be in her court. She either signs the papers now, or, she pledges to stop this nonsense, now and forever. If she transgresses on her pledge, she knows that you will require her to sign the divorce papers immediately.

Your wife isn't the only one that can step out on your marriage. You need to evaluate whether the idea of having sex with other people appeals to you. If it does appeal, then inform your wife of your intentions to play too. She needs to know that what's good for her, is good for you too.

If you both agree to an open marriage, a complete set of rules and boundaries should be drafted. Both of you should agree to these rules and boundaries and STICK to THEM. Once there is aggreement, have fun, however both of you should be checked for STDs regularly.

And, just remember, no matter which way this goes, the priority should be on supporting the welfare of the children.

JMHO.


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## Visiting68 (Jun 29, 2020)

How is your relationship otherwise? If it is good in all places but this, then do not even think about divorce. You may regret it. Ask her for an honest answer, has she been with her already? If not you still have trust which is fundamental. Then either put your foot down now and say no, or let her have her fling and move beyound it. Personally, if it was my wife, I would let her experiment if she has been honest about it. But I would never be jealous of another woman.


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## Oldtimer (May 25, 2018)

If you’re still around op, I’d like to give my two cents. Firstly, you stated in one ofyour posts that she’s a great mom! I beg to differ, a great mom doesn’t f up her childrens lives by engaging in an affair. Secondly, how does the POSOW‘s husband figure in thi game? Will he be part of a three some, they are swingers after all. Thirdly, I’d like to roughly paraphrase one of the respected poster on TAM, I believe it was Decorum who said “ never lend out your bicycle or your wife, they always both come back damaged”.

That being said, I wish you well.

OT


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure if you are still following this thread but I'll just throw this out there anyway in case you curl back around or in case someone else is going through something similar. 

This is actually a very serious if not dire situation. This is more than some kind of kinky bisexual curiosity with a sexy coworker. She is having actually feelings and yearnings for someone else and is at minimum questioning her love and desire for you. 

An additional threat is that you have been together since 15 and teen romances rarely last this long on a good day. Her curiosities and yearnings for variety and whatever else is out there is not only normal, but probably downright healthy as well. lifelong monogamy is an artificial, manmade construct. People were never designed to live happily ever after with their sophomore homecoming date. 

I have some advice for the immediate short term as longer term strategy. 

In the immediate term, you need to grow some giblets and a spine and stand up for your own best interests. If you don't want her getting down with swingers or rubbing up against other women or men - Frick'n say so!! Establish and enforce your own personal boundaries. You have basic right to not share you wife with other people and to not enable that lifestyle. 

Yes, she has a right to screw whoever she wants but you do not have to remain married to her and support her and afford her the benefits of marriage while she does it. 

I would also suggest bumping up your game and pumping up the volume of your home sex life. If she balks or says she's not in the mood or too tired or no interest in sex with you - bad times ahead Bro. 

And lastly, even though this is not what you want to hear , I would recommend you start gearing yourself up to be a divorced, single man and single part time father. Start getting your ducks in a row and start getting your affairs in order (no pun intended). 

See a lawyer now and start getting info on the divorce laws in your jurisdiction and finding out what your actual rights and responsibilities are if she were to leave you or if you were to decide you can't live with this. 

Start preparing to move on with your own life. Ask yourself what you would do if she were to leave you tomorrow or be killed in a car wreck on the way home - - - then start doing that. 

Get your legal and financial ducks in a row so she can't financially destroy you or take your kids away from you. Be prepared and able to defend yourself and your interests in a divorce. 

Then get yourself into the gym and get yourself dateable and able to get back on the dating market at some point down the road if she is gone. 

I know that sounds harsh, but I am just being realistic. 

Most 15 year old BF and GFs break up at 16 and have a series of short and long term relationships over a period of years until they start getting serious about settling down and having marriage/home and family in their late 20s or even early 30s. Both of you have missed that process. She is clearly wanting to go there. 

You may not want to go there but you may not have a choice in the matter if she goes for it. 

Start circling your wagons and get yourself prepared.


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