# Silent Treatment--Tied in Knots



## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

I need advice--I am tied in knots over this situation. 

Background. We have been married for 14 years. We have 3 children ages 11, 7, and 2. We have had our ups and downs. A few times he has said that he wants a divorce--that things aren't good between us. Usually I reassure him that I love him, and I need him, and he will be OK. We don't have that many big fights. Sometimes jobs, kids, exhaustion wear on the relationship, which I think is normal. I do not ever feel fully secure that he won't leave when we fight.

Friday night we were having a discussion with our neighbors. He had had some beers. The discussion was over differences between boys and girls (nothing serious). He was making some kind of sexist and rude comments..the other husband even commented that "He may not want to go to sleep."--jokingly letting him know that he was going to be in the doghouse. The discussion continued, and he went on, and I kind of told him off. I didn't get personal or insulting, but made it clear that he was out of line. He went to bed soon after, and when I went to bed, he told me not to touch him. He has not really spoken to me in the last two days, and continues to tell him not to touch him. The worst part, and this is silly, was he removed me from his facebook--to me this is symbolic that he was cutting me out. My son has noted to him that he doesn't seem happy, but I don't think he realizes what is going on exactly. He has said a few words to me regarding fixing the toilet, but he will not engage with me. He is still sleeping in our bed, and hasn't said anything about leaving, but I am still VERY WORRIED. 

I was angry, and still think I was right to stand up for myself, but really don't think it was worth all this. I think it is more about the fact that it was in front of the neighbors, and that I made him feels sorry. I told him that I was sorry I upset him, and that I love him. I begged him to talk to me the first morning, but not after. I have tried to continue to act normally. I have cleaned the house, made breakfast, did laundry. 

I know that there isn't anything else I can really do. If this is an argument that will pass, I can wait, I am just scared that he is cutting me out because he is done. He has never not talked to me for this long...any silent treatment in the past between us has only lasted a few hours.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Childish


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

You don't give us specifically what was said on either side, so I can't say whether he or you were being unreasonable. Unfriending you on Facebook does sound a bit childish though.

I assume he was mostly embarrassed that you insulted him (the way he sees it) in front of the neighbors, and his pride is hurt. 

Just how drunk was he? Maybe he doesn't remember what happened clearly.

Also, is the silent treatment a normal thing for him, or is this something new?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Can you recall the gist of the conversation objectively?

Knowing how it progressed with as many details as possible would help us understand. How many had your H put down, what was everyone talking about, etc...

It is clear that your H feels disrespected and unsupported in front of others. Not saying his feelings are justified but those feelings are extremely powerful.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

He has done the silent treatment before, but never to this magnitude. 

Honestly, I don't even remember the exact words I said, but the argument escalated because he said something about girls not being able to build bridges (we have two girls) --he had also made comments about it being that time of the month. I think he was pretty intoxicated, but not to the point where he doesn't remember, but it could be blurred. I don't think it is worth arguing with him because it doesn't really matter whether he was wronged as long as he feels wronged.

I spoke with the wife of the couple that was there. She said she can see how he would feel that way, but overall she didn't think it was "that big of a deal" and that "it was clear he wasn't hearing you point of view, so you said it a little louder."


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

All couples will have tiffs from time to time. That is no big deal. Ever. I think it's far more important how they work their way back together. 50:50 or 0:100. Effort always on one persons part ain't right.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Ok. So his comments were derogatory towards women, it would still be beneficial to know what you said. From his reaction, warranted or not, it must have been a pretty big dig at your H.

Did you slam men in general? Or did you slam him personally?

Big difference in the equation there.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

He is hurt and feels disrespected. But how he is reacting, the whole not talking to you and don't touch him for days is not the way to fix his anger towards the situation. A heart to heart needs to happen asap. Put the pressure on now.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what I said--maybe something to the extent of "No, you don't get to F...ing say that girls can't do something." I do remember I said, "This is why I hate when you drink."

Honestly, most of the time he doesn't behave in a sexist manner. He does have definite ideas that girls and boys are very different. He started off stating that girls and boys will approach a problem differently, but he kind of derailed into sexist commentary.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

The husband's lighthearted comment is an acknowledgment that your hubby went (a bit) too far. So, it's not just you who thought so.

My guess is that he felt humiliated by yours and other hubby's remarks and, instead of manning up and wearing it, he's chosen to sulk like a baby and turn it around on you.

My question regarding his past behaviour is - is he one of those guys that never apologises (unless he has no other option) for anything he does wrong? It's always someone or something elses fault? If so, that seldom bodes well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

My guess is that he's felt very lonely/unappreciated/unloved/something and that this just tipped him to the point where he doesn't want to feel anything. I've done childish things like that in the past, and it's usually because I'm just so overwhelmed, I don't have the reserves to address it head on in that very moment.

You need to figure out what he feels he is missing in the relationship. Is your sex life good? That's usually a good place to start.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

happylightgirl said:


> Honestly, I don't even remember exactly what I said--maybe something to the extent of "No, you don't get to F...ing say that girls can't do something." I do remember I said, "This is why I hate when you drink."
> 
> Honestly, most of the time he doesn't behave in a sexist manner. He does have definite ideas that girls and boys are very different. He started off stating that girls and boys will approach a problem differently, but he kind of derailed into sexist commentary.


OK.

You two very much need to improve your communication skills.

That being said. Would you be willing to apologize for calling him out in front of your friends?

He was making general statements about women, not cool but not personal. You directly and personally took a shot at him in front of others.

You may not see or agree with my assessment but I guarantee that I am right on this one.

He does not feel that he was personally attacking you in front of others by talking about women in general and being a bit of an ass.

You brought up something you personally hate about your husband in front of people that had no business hearing your dispute with your H.

I believe you crossed a pretty major line and I would feel betrayed and hurt if I were your H.

He, more than likely, feels that you directly attacked him in front of others and unless he wanted to get personal and ugly right back, he had to hold his tongue.

You escalated in front of others and he had to take it and not go there to keep it from blowing up in company.

It was a cheap shot. Did your H retaliate? Maybe state what he hates about you in front of your friends?

Did he bring something up he personally hated about you before you did to him? Afterwards?


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

Well, I already apologized for upsetting him, but do I keep apologizing. I tried talking to him, and I sent him an email apologizing for hurting him and letting him know that I responded because I was upset. I told him that shutting me out was hurting me. From what I have read, the silent treatment is a way to take back control when someone feels that they have lost it, but that it is a very passive aggressive move. This makes me someone conflicted. Is he giving me the silent treatment because he is trying to "punish" me, or is he giving me the silent treatment because he wants me to know that he wants nothing to do with me?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Possibly both.

Has he responded at all or is he continuing to remain silent?

Do you believe you did wrong by telling your husband what you hated about him in front of friends?

BTW. I do not agree with general statements degrading women, but that is on a different level than violating him in front of others. That is what he is feeling.

Have you tried taking ownership of what you did without making excuses?

He probably does not think you had any good reason for telling the friends what you hated about him. Honestly, you didn't.

I understand getting worked up emotionally but that does not excuse behavior.

There are people that have a ONS and say that they were just upset or drunk or both. It is actually BS. They had a ONS because it was in them to do it.

It was in you to take a personal shot at your H in front of folks. It was in you to humiliate him personally a bit.

Just some male points of view. I am trying to help you get into your husbands' head.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. After you have resolved what you did wrong, you can start to discuss the different matter of how it hurts you when he degrades women in general.

These are two independent issues and they need resolved separately.

You may be tempted to combine them but don't.

His disrespect of women is a different matter than your personal shot at him.

Both need dealt with but you need to acknowledge your fault separately from his.

His comments did not cause you to do what you did. That was all on you just as you are not causing him to be derogatory to women in his speech. That is all on him.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

Well --the statement about "girls" that made me mad was really more in defense of our daughters than me. He had been taking little jabs at me--like saying it must be my time of the month, that the neighbor that got divorced after his kids were grown, "had the right idea" etc. My statement about the drinking was in part because most of our major fights have been after he has been drinking. 
--side note, I have wondered if he has problem with drinking because he has one or two almost every day, (Although, in the month of August he didn't drink for most of the month) and as I said we have had some big fights about his behavior when he does drink. His defense is that he isn't constantly getting blitzed, he isn't drinking and driving, or drinking to the point where he blacks out, but I am always worried about how it will end up when he starts "drinking with the guys" (we were having a neighborhood get together for Halloween). 

--It frightens me and makes me feel insecure. 

He has not responded to any of my attempts at communication. In the past, email has helped us work out our disagreements, partly I think because there is not as much emotion involved. 

After he went inside, the neighbors actually commented that they have had the same argument. They didn't think much of it, they actually felt more awkward about him going inside abruptly. 

However, more importantly, my marriage is more important to me than the stupid argument. It was not my intention to degrade him, but rather to let him know that I was hurt. Should I email him with a more explicit apology, should I give him space? 

I really just want to curl up in a ball and cry.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You should e-mail him with a more in depth apology and understanding of what you did in front of your friends without any reference to any of the other issues.

Just totally own that you took a personal shot at him in front of others and you realize how much it hurt him and it was wrong.

Hopefully, he will come around.

The other issues you are bringing up are still going to need to be addressed. It sounds like it is causing a rift in your marriage and needs bravery to confront lovingly.

Have you considered marriage counseling?

Your concerns are valid and he may have a drinking problem. It sounds like his personality changes when he drinks.

Would you say this is true?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Rather than trying to engage the emotionally immature person you married, why don't you work on yourself?

I recommend therapy to explore why you have such low self esteem and feel like you deserve to be treated like this by your spouse.

I also recommend the book "You UnFriended me on Facebook? Fine, I'll BLOCK You On Facebook!"


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

It does a bit, but he isn't usually belligerent or angry--more just asinine. 

I have recommended counseling in the past, but he says it wouldn't do any good. For reference, our son does go to counseling for ADHD related issues. 

I will email him a more in depth apology. 

I don't know if this what he grew up with (silent treatment)--my parents are the "be mad, argue it out, but we are married and will stay that way type." His parents are both deceased and his father was ill for most of the early part of our marriage, and his mother passed 3 years after that, but at that point they had been married for 30 years.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

If you have truly apologized to your husband and he is still giving you the silent treatment then you just need to move on at this point. By move on, I mean stop worrying that he's not talking to you. He's being a baby. Have fun with your kids, play a game or read to them. Laugh it up. Take them to the park or for a walk. Make plans without him. You need to act like it's not bothering you one bit because that's what he's getting off on, the fact that you are kissing up to him and you're upset. When a child is having a tantrum, what are you supposed to do? Ignore it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

happylightgirl said:


> I
> 
> I will email him a more in depth apology.


For god's sake, stop apologizing. You've already done it.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Okay, one more thing. My husband grew up in a home with a father that was and still is a champion at the silent treatment. Everyone walked on eggshells especially his mother. I don't understand this dynamic at all. If a person wants to be a butthead and not speak to me, how does that hurt me? It's their problem not mine. If my husband gave me the silent treatment, I would be like "whatever, I guess you don't spend time in my sphere of fabulousness".


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## Abc123wife (Sep 18, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> You should e-mail him with a more in depth apology and understanding of what you did in front of your friends without any reference to any of the other issues.
> 
> Just totally own that you took a personal shot at him in front of others and you realize how much it hurt him and it was wrong.
> 
> ...


I could not disagree more! I don't think she owed him any apology at all let alone a more in-depth one! Her husband was making a drunken a$$ of himself making derogatory remarks to his wife and sexist remarks that denigrate females including his own daughters. Because his wife dares to disagree, he starts a childish silent treatment to punish her. His wife had nothing to apologize for. He should have been the one to apologize for his embarrassing behavior and now his passive-agressive treatment of her!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> For god's sake, stop apologizing. You've already done it.


To be fair. She has done it in the context of other issues.

He is being immature about this. The other issues need to be addressed. 

They have both been wrong but only one of them is posting.

My advice is not aimed at OP being more wrong than her H but trying to get communication going again.

BTW. If you have it in you, by all means take care of yourself and your children.

Your H is not responding to any of this in a positive way. I am just trying to see if one spouse can be vulnerable about it to open up the other.

Reading some books together about marriage if he won't go to counseling would be good.

If all else fails and his issues are never dealt with, then your marriage might just go down, unless you are willing to be in a lopsided relationship.

Best wishes. Be brave and have hope.
You might be able to get through to him but it is hard to do it more than one issue at a time.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

happylightgirl said:


> Well --the statement about "girls" that made me mad was really more in defense of our daughters than me. He had been taking little jabs at me--like saying it must be my time of the month, that the neighbor that got divorced after his kids were grown, "had the right idea" etc.


This sort of talk, albeit while intoxicated, is dishonorable to himself and to you. The fact that he is mad at you for calling him out in front of friends, sure, may have felt disrespectful to him and maybe merited an apology, but this in no way cancels out his own foolish words.

You apologized and you do not need to apologize any further.

On the other hand, it seems like your fear of him leaving is probably keeping you from setting boundaries and demanding respect. 

Your husband is not afraid to use the the divorce card and it terrifies you every time he puts in into play. Be brave. be bold. Call his bluff...and if he truly wants out, then let him out...BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO BE HELD HOSTAGE BY THIS FEAR ANYMORE.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he needs to quit drinking.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Abc123wife said:


> I could not disagree more! I don't think she owed him any apology at all let alone a more in-depth one! Her husband was making a drunken a$$ of himself making derogatory remarks to his wife and sexist remarks that denigrate females including his own daughters. Because his wife dares to disagree, he starts a childish silent treatment to punish his her. His wife had nothing to apologize for. He should have been the one to apologize for his embarrassing behavior and now his passive-agressive treatment of her!


I mostly agree with you. She did not have to bring up what she hated about him in front of others however.

I have been trying to help her get in his head. I have, not once, approved of his behavior towards women. That is a serious issue that will need addressed.

Telling him that she did not like his statements about women and letting him know that it was making her uncomfortable would have been fine.

When you tell your spouse in front of others that you hate something about them, it is a blow.

I agree that she felt provoked. He definitely needed correction.

What she hates about her husband should be kept private and between them.

If she simply disagreed with him about his sexist remarks and he started treating her this way, I would say there are no inroads.

She has one. She made an inappropriate remark, because it was in front of others, in response to his inappropriate remarks.

He is not posting so I am helping her to get in his head.

She is asking for help with her specific situation.

Kicking his ass is an option. I was trying to get more info before it got to that point.

Both did something wrong. She did it in response, but it does not make it right.

If he won't open up, then their marriage could be in serious trouble.

He definitely has things to work out.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

Thank you all for your support and advice--although some of them were hard for me hear. 

I did email a simple apology for calling him out in front of others, and that it was unacceptable to embarrass him that way. While I still believe his behavior was out of line there's that old adage two wrongs don't make a right. I can only own my bad behavior--not his.

I know that I am a good wife and mother. I work, I manage to keep the house reasonably clean (he does help), I take care of kids homework, running errands, grocery shopping, cooking, and I am intelligent and reasonably attractive. I am not without my worth. 

I am taking care of my children and the house. I am not falling apart in front of them. 

With that apology done, I will not apologize again. I can only hope and wait because, most of the time our marriage is at least content if not happy. Kids, finances, jobs, and stress in general make relationships hard, but for me, giving up isn't an option--at least not at this point. I am a huge believer that I made vows to him (and to our family) that I am in through thick and thin. I believe we say these words because it is well known that life and marriage can get hard.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Good job Happy!

You have a very healthy outlook and I hope your husband catches up with you.

Would he read a book with you?


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> Good job Happy!
> 
> You have a very healthy outlook and I hope your husband catches up with you.
> 
> Would he read a book with you?


I don't know--but recommend away. I have at least one that I got in the past.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The Five Love Languages is a good one to read. It is a fairly positive strengthening tool to help each other feel more loved and appreciated.

I was wondering if your H's love language might be "Words affirmation".

That would make anything you said about him that was derogatory really crushing to him.

If you can get him to read anything with you, it would be a huge step forward.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

happylightgirl said:


> I can only hope and wait because, most of the time our marriage is at least content if not happy. Kids, finances, jobs, and stress in general make relationships hard, but for me, giving up isn't an option--at least not at this point. I am a huge believer that I made vows to him (and to our family) that I am in through thick and thin. I believe we say these words because it is well known that life and marriage can get hard.


A good book to read is Love Must Be Tough...although it concerns infidelity...it has a huge section on what you can do to influence a spouse who may have his/her foot out the door. It says that most marriages in crisis will have one spouse who is ready to bail and another spouse who will frantically do anything to save the marriage. The book was very helpful in helping me stop behaviors that I thought would appeal my wife to stay in the marriage, but instead, were repulsing her.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

While he was speaking in generalized terms, it pissed you off because you thought his comments were directed at your two girls.

Then, when you called him on it, he didn't want to take a step back to say that couldn't be HIS two girls.

Reality? Both of you are right. Statistically speaking, female engineers comprise about 2% of the workforce in that field of study. Go to any major college and look at the enrollment and recruiting stats. 

While he may not be sexist, he is more aware that girls gravitate to a more "female orientated" fields of study. Maybe you should consider that the next time you want to philosophically debate women's employment choices over quite a few adult beverages.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He is being childish and saying he wants a divorce--that things aren't good between us a few times is so not right. That word has never been used in our house by either one of us even when were mad about something the other did. It shouldn't be used by any spouse unless they intend to go through with it. That's probably the main reason you are so upset by him not talking to you, you are thinking he might be thinking of going though with his threats. I'm sure that doesn't make you feel secure in this marriage.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

Revamped said:


> While he was speaking in generalized terms, it pissed you off because you thought his comments were directed at your two girls.
> 
> Then, when you called him on it, he didn't want to take a step back to say that couldn't be HIS two girls.
> 
> ...


Sorry, but I am well aware of this--I am in the teaching, and actually focus on STEM. Just because girls don't gravitate, doesn't mean they CAN'T.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

happylightgirl said:


> He had been taking little jabs at me--like saying it must be my time of the month, that the neighbor that got divorced after his kids were grown, "had the right idea" etc. My statement about the drinking was in part because *most of our major fights have been after he has been drinking. *
> --side note, I have wondered if he has problem with drinking because he has one or two almost every day, (Although, in the month of August he didn't drink for most of the month) and as I said we have had some big fights about his behavior when he does drink.


You have a huge elephant in your living room. An elephant that isn't housebroken. 

His drinking IS A problem if it's a problem for you. Him? No, I doubt he thinks his drinking is a problem at all.

I was married to an Army officer who was amazingly successful, intelligent and very well educated. To this day, he doesn't think he has a problem.

He was (fortunately!) honorably discharged. Since then? Three jobs in nine years. Terminated from every one. 

I got the silent treatment, accused of being the b!tch of the universe, told my opinions/thoughts/feelings were worthless ... blah, blah, blah.

I'm sure you have a "decent" marriage as long as you don't rock the boat. But that boat you are in is going to start sinking an inch at a time.

Believe me, I lived it. I know.

The silent treatment has you tied in knots? To he!! with his silent treatment. Take back your sanity. Quit allowing him to own your reactions.

Hon, you have a whole lot more on your plate than just a guy giving you the silent treatment.

P.S. - I've listened to alcoholics justify their drinking for a kazillion years. Sure, they don't miss work. They don't wreck the car. They don't have DUI's. 

PEOPLE WHO DON'T HAVE ISSUES WITH DRINKING DO NOT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THEIR DRINKING.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

So, last night he did put his hand on me at night--ending the physical touch embargo. He also seems to be talking to me again, but only in a very basic way. There still seems to be a wall of sorts. 

I am considering going to a counselor on my own. I am hoping that he will consider going with me if he sees me going. My issue is that I always think of it when we are having issues, but the rest of the time, when it would probably be more of an option, it is out of my mind. 

What is your opinion--are these good signs that there is hope?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think it is a good sign and there is always hope.

I think you are probably going to have to take lead in this and lead by example. You gently doing what must be done may well help him to follow.

Not justifying his immature attitude but in some relationships, one person does more in the leadership department and it works.

Going to counseling yourself is a good idea. Make sure the counselor is a good fit. They are just like a spouse, you have to be able to understand each other and work together for your goals.

Sounds like you are making some progress. One step and one issue at a time.

Best wishes.


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## peacefully (Nov 13, 2009)

I toally agree with Prodigal. 

There is a giant elephant in the room and he's trying to put a doily on it's a$s in order to normalize it. 

I would suggest you try an al-anon meeting. Focus on yourself.
You can't change him- but if you want a healthy marriage you can start by looking after yourself. Attraction vs. Promotion.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

happylightgirl said:


> There still seems to be a wall of sorts.
> 
> I am hoping that he will consider going with me if he sees me going. My issue is that I always think of it when we are having issues, but the rest of the time, when it would probably be more of an option, it is out of my mind.
> 
> What is your opinion--are these good signs that there is hope?


Denial. It comes in many shapes and forms.

The wall? It protects his addiction.

Your going to counseling? So you can manipulate him into getting on board with you. And, yes, I said manipulate.

Just like denial, manipulation comes in many forms. Forms that seem to say, "But I want to help you, honey," "I just want you to get better so our relationship will get better."

By all means, hang onto hope. Hope he'll quit acting like an a$$ when he drinks. Hope that his drinking won't bother you.

The problem is, his drinking DOES bother you.

But what bothers you the most is this: You don't want his drinking to bother you. After all, if you face what is really bothering you, you'll have to take your focus off of him and put it squarely on you.

Counseling? It's for YOU. He wants counseling? Let him seek it on his own.

You have one heckuva lot more problems than being tied in knots over his silent treatment and juvenile behavior.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with the above. Don't even bother trying the "if I go maybe he will go" thing. If you want to go to figure out your own stuff, then go. If you want marriage counselling with him, then ask, but don't do it the manipulative way, not because it'll hurt him but because it'll just hurt you. It always backfires. Be straightforward, be honest. In all this I see you are trying to be honest, but you're only getting halfway there.

What does the silent treatment do? Makes you beg, makes you weak, turns you into a pathetic pawn, sacrificed to their ego (you as in a general term for all people). 

Stop apologising. You've said it once. Unless it wasn't a real apology and only a heap of excuses piled together, then it's done and dusted. Don't chastise him again in front of your friends and you'll have taken a lesson from this. I usually just hold my tongue until DH and I are alone and I'll tell him if I had issue with something he said then. They may feel annoyed at that but bring embarrassment into it and it just makes it ten times worse. This doesn't mean I don't disagree with DH in public, just that I don't make it personal, "I don't agree for this and this reason" sort of thing instead of a "You are wrong and I don't like this and this about who you are or something you've done" sort of thing.

If you aren't actually sorry for what you said, instead just feeling desperate and so will say whatever you think you have to in order to appease him, then you aren't being honest and your apology is false. It's incredibly hard to see someone else's point of view. At the moment I think you feel you were justified. I think you have a right to feel he was being sexist but you were wrong to humiliate him in front of your friends.

Edited to add: as for the threats of divorce, at some point you have to stop reacting to that word like it will be the end of your life. You will survive, you will move on. Think it through. It would be hard initially, you'd be sad, depressed, angry etc, but there'll always be a light at the end of that tunnel. Once you've come to terms with this reality, rather than the doomsday reality, you can react to his threats with some logic rather than desperation and fear. If he really wants to go, then he should just go. If he's in it for real then it's worth working on the marriage but if he's just sitting around waiting for an excuse to dump you, then he's wasting both of your lives. If I were you I would hope that I'd respond to the next one of these threats with equanimity and tell him exactly that. If he's in it, be in it; if he's not, get out.


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

A little more information. 

We seem to be a bit more on talking terms. While I understand that everybody here is trying to help, some of these posts seem a bit harsh in tone--just a thought. Maybe I need the tough love, but I think I also made it clear that saving my marriage is important to me. 

While I see your points about manipulation, in that light, leadership can be seen as manipulation. Leading by example is one way to lead. I can go for myself with the hope that he will follow, but I have to understand that it may not happen. Whether we divorce or not, counseling either on my own or for both of us could be beneficial. It is not uncommon for men to not want to go to counseling. I have heard and read this over and over. 

A few more details. I mentioned fights/incidents due to drinking. I thought about it, there have been maybe 7 or 8 in the 14 years we have been together--so not an every day problem. I tend to be a worrier in general, but I also don't want to bury my head in the sand. 

In addition, I did say he has mentioned divorce in the past, but this is not every time we have a fight, there has been an occasion where it is out of the blue...however, I have noticed that it tends to be after emotionally draining times. He did not bring it up this time. If you would have asked me a week ago if I thought divorce was a possibility, I would have said no.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> My husband grew up in a home with a father that was and still is a champion at the silent treatment. Everyone walked on eggshells especially his mother. I don't understand this dynamic at all. If a person wants to be a butthead and not speak to me, how does that hurt me?


Until you have lived this dynamic, you don't know how incredibly invalidating it is to be in an environment where the person who supposedly loves you (parent/partner/whomever) habitually ignores you and gives you the silent treatment. It is used as a form of control and it is emotionally abusive. Stonewalling someone repeatedly and acting as if they don't exist is not loving. Pouting for an hour or two or not talking after a tiff is one thing; flat-out ignoring someone because you are upset for days on end/weeks is one of the most fcked up things you can do to someone. It does take a toll. And creates an environment where people walk on eggshells.

OP - I feel for you, I do. I have been in this situation before. I would try to explain to him that this is no going to fly for you. How can you have a marriage if he won't talk to you and blows you off when you apologize? Un-friending you from his Facebook is super childish. And throwing the "divorce" word at you any time you have a disagreement is shltty behavior. There is nothing loving about that at all. Especially when you add the fact he tells you not to touch him like you're a leper.

My heart goes out to you.

How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship | Psychology Today

Stonewalling in Abuse


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> *Until you have lived this dynamic, you don't know how incredibly invalidating it is to be in an environment where the person who supposedly loves you (parent/partner/whomever) habitually ignores you and gives you the silent treatment. It is used as a form of control and it is emotionally abusive.* Stonewalling someone repeatedly and acting as if they don't exist is not loving. *Pouting for an hour or two or not talking after a tiff is one thing; flat-out ignoring someone because you are upset for days on end/weeks is one of the most fcked up things you can do to someone. It does take a toll. And creates an environment where people walk on eggshells.*
> 
> OP - I feel for you, I do. I have been in this situation before. I would try to explain to him that this is no going to fly for you. How can you have a marriage if he won't talk to you and blows you off when you apologize? *Un-friending you from his Facebook is super childish. And throwing the "divorce" word at you any time you have a disagreement is shltty behavior. There is nothing loving about that at all. Especially when you add the fact he tells you not to touch him like you're a leper.*
> My heart goes out to you.
> ...


:iagree:

Jellybeans has hit the nail on the head with this one! I grew up with a father that was the champion of silent treatments. He would give us (myself & my siblings) the silent treatment when he would get mad at our mother. We were on eggshells all the time when he was around (my father is retired Army & was in an intelligence unit where he spent LOTS of time away from home). I felt unimportant to my father & that is a very hurtful feeling to a young child.

In my case, I ended up marrying a man like my father - champion of the silent treatment. In the beginning, I was like the OP: crying, upset, apologizing. I realized how pathetic I looked groveling to him when the argument was not that serious to begin with. So I wised up to the silent treatment. I stopped letting it affect me. I still spoke to him like normal & went on about my day like normal. Guess what? He realized his hissy fits don't move me anymore & he was forced to readjust. Now, we are at a much better place with communication.

My situation may not be the norm but I somehow think that the OP's husband may also secretly relish a bit at how she cries & apologizes so profusely. OP have you considered not reacting at all to your husband when he drops the D-word or gives you the silent treatment?


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## happylightgirl (Nov 2, 2014)

JustTired said:


> :iagree:
> 
> In the beginning, I was like the OP: crying, upset, apologizing. I realized how pathetic I looked groveling to him when the argument was not that serious to begin with. So I wised up to the silent treatment. I stopped letting it affect me. I still spoke to him like normal & went on about my day like normal. Guess what? He realized his hissy fits don't move me anymore & he was forced to readjust. Now, we are at a much better place with communication.
> 
> My situation may not be the norm but I somehow think that the OP's husband may also secretly relish a bit at how she cries & apologizes so profusely. OP have you considered not reacting at all to your husband when he drops the D-word or gives you the silent treatment?


I am not sure where the idea came that I was crying, upset, apologizing repeatedly and groveling---I apologized twice--once generally, and once in specific language for what I did wrong (and yes, his behavior was bad, but my reaction was not the best way to go about it). 

This is my first experience with the silent treatment like this. I haven't been groveling or crying (at least not in front of anybody), and I have been acting normally as much as possible.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think ppl detect a note of desperation in your writing. Plus with the repeat apologies (though I see you've only said it twice), paints a picture of a woman who is crying and begging a man to forgive her and talk to her. Good to see this isn't the reality of the situation.

As for him, the description of his actions (silent treatment, unfriending you from facebook etc), paints him as a child-man to be honest and makes it difficult for people to comprehend what would be worthwhile about the relationship, hence the slightly harsh replies.

I couldn't fathom what is going on in the head of a grown man when he unfriends his wife from facebook. It's so ridiculous I struggle to think of him as a fully functioning adult.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

happylightgirl said:


> We have had our ups and downs. A few times he has said that he wants a divorce--that things aren't good between us. Usually I reassure him that I love him, and I need him, and he will be OK.


This is what got my attention. You know what I really think? That he really wants out, but doesn't have enough strenght to follow through with it. Everytime he managed to ask for divorce, you would beg him to stay, tell him how you love him, and he would stay, out of guilt. Like now- he behaves like ****, you are apologizong. He wants divorce, you start re-assuring him of your love. There is a pattern there. You are refusing to accept that he really wants a divorce.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Revamped said:


> While he was speaking in generalized terms, it pissed you off because you thought his comments were directed at your two girls.
> 
> Then, when you called him on it, he didn't want to take a step back to say that couldn't be HIS two girls.
> 
> ...


This is utter and complete BS. Sorry, but this is completely mixing up causality and consequence. Because of misogynistic men like Happy's H who are convince of and start telling girls from a very young age that they can't do this and that and should try and find a good husband,etc. women in our society are trained to think they are worth less than men. So they think they are not supposed to enroll in an engineering degree. And if they do, they get told by (mostly) men, that they are not as good at it and should rather get married and be a good wife. It is statistically proven that women need to be a lot better at something to achieve the same as men.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Don't even get me started...


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

... and yes, he is sexist to the extreme both directly to his wife and to wards women in general.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions.

If you don't like the responders, block them.

Carry on. All the best.


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## dougy (Nov 8, 2014)

I sense that your husband is the type that likes you to come crawling back to him even if it's him who incited a conflict with you. If that has always been the pattern of the marriage then it's unlikely you are going to be able to change it. If you are happy with such an imbalance and it doesn't bother you in general then just be nice to him without being too apologetic and it will probably blow over. People can't sulk forever.


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