# Why won't he walk next to me?



## northernlights

Ok, this is kind of minor I guess, but it's been bugging me off and on for years. My husband doesn't walk next to me when we're out. He used to do this way back when we were dating, and finally after I begged and begged, and just didn't let go of his hand, it stopped. 

Now we have 2 kids, the younger of whom is 4. She's a slow walker, I'll grant that. But, she's 4. She has tiny little legs. And he WILL NOT WALK WITH US. Every time we go somewhere, he walks 10-15 feet ahead of us. I ask him to please stay close. He does for a minute, then he's ahead again. It seems minor, but to me, walking together is just what you do when you're with your family. Also, I don't like the message it sends our kids, which I see as a message of not being together as one unit.

My past posts have also been about his seemingly total inability to do even minor things for me, so I can't help but put this in that category, making it seem like an even bigger issue (you know how that is... all of a sudden it's not just about walking, but about every time he hasn't made an effort for me). I'm trying to not do that though--not make minor things into big things. 

Do I just need to let this go? Do some people just like to walk by themselves and it's not a big deal?


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## Ten_year_hubby

northernlights said:


> Do I just need to let this go? Do some people just like to walk by themselves and it's not a big deal?


Well yes, but this seems like a big deal to you so ask him to hold hands with you. Don't nag, don't use an annoyed tone, if he forgets, just ask him again, as many times as it takes. Tell him how much you like holding hands. Tell him how good it makes you feel to have a guy like him beside you.


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## joe kidd

I get this as well. My wife is 5'3". I'm close to 6'1". It feels like I'm shuffling if I maintain her pace. It's not that I don't want to , it's that it is hard to.


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## Lon

He is probably impatient about having to slow down so much.

For me I do the same with my 5 year old son - except I see it not so much as me walking 10-15 ft ahead of him, but him walking 10-15ft behind me. He has no problem keeping up, even with his little legs (because he has boundless energy), it's just he's always way behind.

If I slow down he does too, so I walk fast in order to get where we are going before his bed time.

Your H is probably doing the same thing, when he keeps pace with you and your D you both probably slow down even more, even if you are unaware you are doing it. Maybe try walking faster and I bet you will find him at your side.


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## northernlights

Ok, thanks for the perspective. I know she's slow, but I want to hold her hand because we're always on sidewalks. 

I'll give it a few days to adjust my attitude before I ask him to hold my hand, or else he's going to see right through that... I am totally unable to hide it when I'm being affectionate to get what I want. Lol.


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## Desperate_Housewife

My father does this, too. Drives my mother crazy.


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## dormant

I usually walk a few steps behind my wife. The thing is, she can't walk a straight line if her life depended on it. I get tired of her running in to me. It is easier to just follow.


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## aribabe

I'm sorry, but all I can think of this situation is YUCK!

What MAN leaves his baby girl and wife behind while he walks 10-15 feeat ahead of you two? Did all gentelman and their manners just pick up and leave at some point? I'm assuming he also doesn't mind you carrying heavy things, going out into the dark alone, won't get this or that for you etc? I dated a guy just like that

Chivalry has died. It seems I've got the last of a dying breed.

Talk to him... I think this whole "women are just men without d*cks" thing has just really gotten to a lot of guys. So he probably doesn't think about the message he's sending to your daughter when he walks wayy ahead of her instead of walking WITH her. Women want (need) to feel safe and secure with their man, how safe can you feel walking down the street with your husband when he's walking 15 feet ahead of you?

The next time he does that, stop and walk back to wherever you were coming from, or just stand their. Hopefully (if he cares) he'll recognize that and ask why and you can tell him that you just don't feel comfortable when he walks so quickly and leaves you behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald

I see this as a cultural thing when I'm out & about in my very diverse community - men walking ahead of women. Is this common in your culture?

My ex used to do that (not cultural) just impatient with slower-pace walkers & I couldn't stand it.


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## rj700

How bout having your D ask him to hold her hand? Many little girls have their dads wrapped around their fingers. A bit manipulative, but hey, it's two on one.


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## joe kidd

aribabe said:


> I'm sorry, but all I can think of this situation is YUCK!
> 
> What MAN leaves his baby girl and wife behind while he walks 10-15 feeat ahead of you two? Did all gentelman and their manners just pick up and leave at some point? I'm assuming he also doesn't mind you carrying heavy things, going out into the dark alone, won't get this or that for you etc? I dated a guy just like that
> 
> Chivalry has died. It seems I've got the last of a dying breed.
> 
> Talk to him... I think this whole "women are just men without d*cks" thing has just really gotten to a lot of guys. So he probably doesn't think about the message he's sending to your daughter when he walks wayy ahead of her instead of walking WITH her. Women want (need) to feel safe and secure with their man, how safe can you feel walking down the street with your husband when he's walking 15 feet ahead of you?
> 
> The next time he does that, stop and walk back to wherever you were coming from, or just stand their. Hopefully (if he cares) he'll recognize that and ask why and you can tell him that you just don't feel comfortable when he walks so quickly and leaves you behind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well it gets beat into us. Chivalry has been turned around. Open a door? You are a sexist pig. Offer to help with something heavy? You are a chauvinist a$$. Not saying that's how my wife thinks but that is what society is telling young men today.


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## KanDo

This almost sounds like you are digging to find something to complain about. I am over 6 feet and my love is just over 5 feet. If I am walking normally I will definitely outpace her. Holding hands seems the easiest solution(and getting a little thicker skin to realize that this is unlikley to be an affront to you. This could easily be him posting "why wont she walk next to me?)


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## Another Planet

joe kidd said:


> Well it gets beat into us. Chivalry has been turned around. Open a door? You are a sexist pig. Offer to help with something heavy? You are a chauvinist a$$. Not saying that's how my wife thinks but that is what society is telling young men today.


That is not true in my experience. Maybe you are holding yourself wrong. Do you hold a door open so you can check out a girls ass as they walk past or do you do it to help someone out?


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## joe kidd

Another Planet said:


> That is not true in my experience. Maybe you are holding yourself wrong. Do you hold a door open so you can check out a girls ass as they walk past or do you do it to help someone out?


I'm talking in the PC workplace.


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## moxy

While I don't think that holding hands is necessary, it is romantic and helps build a bond of intimacy between a couple (one of the things I loved about my stbxh is that right up until we separated, we always held hands while out walking, even sometimes while driving or carrying groceries, and he initiated it) when the walking pace is more leisurely and less purposeful (ie, not when running or carrying heavy things or handling kids) and it reinforces a sense of unity or connection.

It isn't offensive to not hold hands. It is sometimes just practical and it depends on the level of PDA with which a couple is comfortable. However, to walk that far ahead of one's companion without purpose is inconsiderate and rude. If you're out in public with someone, be *with* that person. I get upset, even with friends or relatives, who will walk ahead or straggle behind as if they are not really with me even when they don't do it intentionally because I find it disrespectful. I don't make a scene, but I don't accept social invitations often with people like that because the disrespect and lack of consideration and peer-respect bleeds over into other aspects of interaction, too. In a partner, something like this would be a thing that I would object to and talk about in a meaningful way. A friend of mine once dumped a boyfriend because he used to do just this thing -- walk ahead of her and expect her to follow, rather than walk beside her. It's symbolic of your connection. Walking together shows that your spouse does want to be with you and is happy to show it to the world and maybe even enjoys your company to that of others or of the environment. Walking apart means your partner is anxious to be off on his own. However, not everyone understands that -- and not everyone feels that way. I'm guessing maybe some of that resonates with you. 

Do you guys have enough alone time each? It's possible that he feels a little smothered and not independent and this is just a way for him to feel like an individual. 

It's possible, too that he just doesn't see the significance for you. Maybe he's just clueless and doesn't get it. I think you should let him now how seriously it upsets you. Just say, "when you walk ahead of me rather than with me or beside me and just expect me to follow, I feel disrespected. If I continue to feel disrespected, I might re-consider whether or not this relationship is worthwhile for me. I'd like you to pay attention to how you treat me in public -- and while we are at it, let's look at how balanced the power dynamics in our relationship are, given that something this important to me is just brushed off my you." And, at least you guys can bring up a conversation about respect and consideration in marriage and how you guys can build a stronger sense of both in yours.

I also think that there's nothing wrong with a couple splitting and doing separate things in a public space and then coming back together. The fact that it bothers you means there's either not enough intimate connection and you're craving more, or not enough of a sense of mutual respect that this is triggering, or too much quality-less couple-time and too little individual time at home that is causing this. Try talking about codependence vs independence, too, to see what's going on.


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## moxy

Hmm....something I didn't think of: Is your husband a lot taller than you? If so, it might just be about comfort of stride and nothing personal. My stbxh and I were not massively disparate in height, so the stride was not a huge issue, though I did walk faster and he walked slower to manage it. If you and your husband have a significant height difference, maybe it has nothing to do with consideration or respect and just to do with practicality.

However, you seem to feel like he isn't making enough of an effort with you in general, so you should bring that up...and lead into the general lack of connection you feel by starting with this relatively minor issue.


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## WorkingOnMe

I walk at a normal pace and my damn wife just won't stay with me. She's always 10-15 feet behind. I know it's a little thing but should she walk with me? She uses our son as an excuse to keep her distance rather than making him learn to walk at a normal pace.


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## HopelesslyJaded

Maybe I'm weird but I find it unusual too. I just thought it was natural to walk as a family and one not go far ahead of another. 

Walking that far ahead might would make me feel like he was embarrassed of me and didn't want people to know we were together. Especially if it was every time we were out in public. I am 5'4 and my husband is 6'2. This has never been an issue.


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## Entropy3000

1) I like to walk with my wife. I like to hold her hand. I like her hand in my back pocket. All of that.

2) This said, if we are not holding hands I naturally want to walk with fully strides. Frankly when we go to the mega mall together, I am cramping up big time because I am tight from taking tinier steps.

So what do I do ... I hold her hand and walk with her. It's a choice.

In no way do I think I am typical. I would prefer a faster pace but indeed I am there to be with her after all. When I shop I am on a mission. I know what I am looking for, I find it and buy it and leave.

Walking on the beach? This is my favorite for a lot of reasons. We get in the hand holding. Steal some hugs and kisses. Play in the water AND I get to do some running around in the surf and the sane so I don't cramp up.

Walking in SF was good because of the hills.

When I go out to walk for exercise, my wife sometimes comes along. She rides her bike.

So you guys need to sit down and discuss this. That you have a need for him to walk with you at least some of the time. I think you would like to be seen in public as a couple. You feel alone when he does not walk with you. You want quality time together. Maybe you want to actually speak with him as well. You need this kind of intimacy. He may not. This indeed may be another His Needs Her Needs opportunity.


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## WorkingOnMe

I'm thinking it takes two to walk next to each other. He's not walking next to you? You're not walking next to him. Just sounds like you're looking for an issue.


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## Entropy3000

I think she was saying she cannot walk faster because the four year old cannot keep up.


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## WorkingOnMe

Yes except she had the same issue years ago before children.


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## Lon

Entropy3000 said:


> I think she was saying she cannot walk faster because the four year old cannot keep up.


I wonder if that its the little girl can't keep up, or just dawdles?

When I am out walking with my son for the sake of spending time with him I will dawdle with him. But if we are walking for the sake of getting somewhere, he has to keep up with me or else face the wrath of dad (or I just put him on my shoulders ).

If the OP's family is out for a leisurely stroll together for the sake of quality time her H has to learn to relax and enjoy dawdling. And if it's for any other reason (exercise, doing a chore etc) he should just do it alone or else the OP should try to keep up (and maybe put the toddler in a stroller or something).


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## Entropy3000

Lon said:


> I wonder if that its the little girl can't keep up, or just dawdles?
> 
> When I am out walking with my son for the sake of spending time with him I will dawdle with him. But if we are walking for the sake of getting somewhere, he has to keep up with me or else face the wrath of dad (or I just put him on my shoulders ).
> 
> If the OP's family is out for a leisurely stroll together for the sake of quality time her H has to learn to relax and enjoy dawdling. And if it's for any other reason (exercise, doing a chore etc) he should just do it alone or else the OP should try to keep up (and maybe put the toddler in a stroller or something).


I have done the shoulder thing as well once they get tired. So yeah if you are going to encourage the children to walk with purpose which is goodness in many ways then yeah have a plan for when they can no longer keep up.

And you hit the heart of the matter. The purpose or focus of the walk matters. I think there is a time for both of these perspectives. There is a time to dawdle as you put it and a time to get going. Both have value.


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## aribabe

As much as alpha qualities are touted so vigoriously here, I'm honestly surprised to see so many of you men applauding this weak behavior....

What alpha man walks 10 - 15 feet ahead of his four year old baby girl and wife?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe

I don't think its just that chivalry has been turned into something negative,
It just isn't talked about at all anymore. Its not taught by parents

So men don't think about it at all...
Leaving her 15 feet behind you, sending her out into the dark, letting her carry a heavy box...no biggie, she's a big girl. Its sad, really.

I also blame porn... it's totally destroyed the image of female feminity
Despite that, I am a porn watcher.



joe kidd said:


> Well it gets beat into us. Chivalry has been turned around. Open a door? You are a sexist pig. Offer to help with something heavy? You are a chauvinist a$$. Not saying that's how my wife thinks but that is what society is telling young men today.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## captainstormy

I gotta say that to me it sounds like your just looking for something to complain about.

I often outpace my other half. Not because I'm trying to slight her, but because I'm 6'10" and she's 5'3". My pace is almost double hers so unless I make an effort to slow down I'll often find myseld outacing her.

Also, It isn't always practical to walk side by side. In tight public spaces it can cause a traffic jam so to speak in the mall or on a side walk.

Myself, I actually prefer to walk behind her. This way I can more easily keep an eye on her and potential threats to her.


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## northernlights

We're similar heights, so it's not that. And I'm usually a fast walker, so that's not the issue either. I do have trouble walking in a straight line, so it could be that I annoy him when I lean into him. If that was the case, though, I'd like him to just tell me.

I'm talking about our leisurely walks (to the playground, for example). It could certainly be that he just wants some space for us, he works from home. I wish he could just SAY what it is. 

He is from another culture too, I'll have to find out if this is no big deal there. Maybe it's just an upbringing difference. When I was a kid, and my family was out sightseeing, we stayed together. Maybe his didn't. 

Talking with him about it doesn't work. He really, really doesn't communicate well. If I say, hon, this bothers me, he'll just say, oh, sorry, I won't do that any more. He'll never say why he's doing what he's doing, or say, "you know, I tried staying with you guys the last time we were out, and it's just impossible, I find myself back in my natural pace without even thinking about it." Or, "babe, sorry, but I just don't see this as a big deal, I think you're overreacting over nothing." I'd be happy to hear anything that any of you wrote from him!

You know what though, I need to stop thinking that because he won't tell me what's going on with him, that I have guess his motivations. I'll try one more conversation about how much it means to me when he walks with us, and converses, and if it doesn't go anywhere I'll just accept that it's one of those things that we'll do differently. 

And I need to make sure that I carry mace, because this happens even when we find ourselves in bad neighborhoods!


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## northernlights

You know what though, I think this is bugging me because I do see it as part of our bigger issue, which is that I've changed what I want from him.

That sucks, I know. I'm not sure what to do about it besides talk and try to both reach a compromise.

Basically, I was 21 when we met, and eager to prove to myself and the world that I didn't need anyone to take care of me. DH is not a nurturer. He's not the kind of guy that's going to bring me chicken soup when I'm sick, or cook me breakfast in bed, or apparently walk next to me. When I was in my 20s, that was FINE. I could take care of myself, and I was going to prove it!!

Now, we have 2 kids. I have grown up a lot. Turns out I'm not super woman, and I could use some help. But DH is still the same guy, who doesn't do things for me. At first it was no big deal--I know I am the one who changed, I've never expected him to read my mind, so I told him what I needed. I've apologized for changing the terms of our relationship. I get that that sucks. But, I grew up. I'm a more mature person. I'm glad that happened.

Where we've started struggling is that when I have asked for these changes, he hasn't made them. That has me scared. It feels like I've been spinning my wheels for a few years on this one, and I just don't know what to do any more. 

I've made efforts to use my support network for help, which has helped me tremendously as far as not being so tired goes (I have a great group of mom friends at home). But, on the flip, I feel like every time I turn to someone else to meet a need, it's a chance for closeness that we miss out on. I feel like it's making a distance between us.

But, like I said. I'm the one who changed. He didn't ask for this. 

So, the walking close issue is something I'm probably investing with meaning it doesn't have. It's a big flaw of mine, to see something as an example of everything wrong with our relationship and get disproportionately upset about it. I need to stop doing that!!!! It doesn't help things. 

As far as the issue of me having changed, I don't know.


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## Needpeace

captainstormy said:


> I often outpace my other half. Not because I'm trying to slight her, but because I'm 6'10" and she's 5'3". My pace is almost double hers so unless I make an effort to slow down I'll often find myseld outacing her.
> 
> Also, It isn't always practical to walk side by side. In tight public spaces it can cause a traffic jam so to speak in the mall or on a side walk.
> 
> Myself, I actually prefer to walk behind her. This way I can more easily keep an eye on her and potential threats to her.


My husband also walks behind me when we can't walk side by side, I love that he does that, he will also walk on the road side when we are walking together, I can honestly say this is one situation in which I feel protected.

He's 6'4" & I'm 5'nothing, we always hold hands when walking in public, he walks slow & I clip clap clip clap the quick step beside him & when I slow up he kind of pulls me along, lol, I also like to have my hand in his jeans back pocket. 

OP, this is one of the little enjoyments I pleasure in when out & about with my husband, so I can understand why you would see this as slight issue, I can't offer much advice other than to sit & have a meaningful chat about how his distance makes you feel.


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## alte Dame

My husband has done this forever. Recently, his very fit 84-yo mother read him the riot act for walking way ahead when they were out for a walk together.

I see it as a relative thing, though. It's not that he's purposely ahead of me or actively rude. It's just that we're walking at our own paces. He often stops to let me catch up, or I pick up the pace to catch him. If we're holding hands, we hit a moderate pace usually.

With our height difference, it's just as difficult for him to mince along with baby steps as it is for me to breathlessly jog next to him.

Guess I don't think there's any heavy symbolism here.


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## Lyris

Whe I lived in Japan I saw this a lot, mostly from middle-aged/older couples. The men walked in front, usually only a couple of paces though, and the women carried all the bags.


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## Anonymous07

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Maybe I'm weird but I find it unusual too. I just thought it was natural to walk as a family and one not go far ahead of another.
> 
> Walking that far ahead might would make me feel like he was embarrassed of me and didn't want people to know we were together. Especially if it was every time we were out in public. I am 5'4 and my husband is 6'2. This has never been an issue.


:iagree:

My husband had walked a few paces ahead of me once and I made it clear to him that I did not like it. I found it to be rude/disrespectful and as if he was embarrassed to be by my side. I know he is absolutely not that type of man, and hasn't done it since. We always walk side-by-side where ever we are going. He is a gentleman. Many times I won't call him out on some things he may do that are out of character(not gentleman like), but his mother will if she knows. lol. :rofl: He told her about buying a big entertainment set and how we both carried it up the stairs, and she was pissed at him for having me help with the heavy lifting.


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## BridgetJones

My husband does that too and it really makes me sad. I told him thousand times if we are going somewhere together "do not walk so far from me." I feel like I am alone if he does that. Just like someone else said "disrespectful and rude". But, also when we are going out with friends he would walk ahead of all of us. It is crazy. He would not do that to everybody though.


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## DayDream

aribabe said:


> I'm sorry, but all I can think of this situation is YUCK!
> 
> What MAN leaves his baby girl and wife behind while he walks 10-15 feeat ahead of you two? Did all gentelman and their manners just pick up and leave at some point? I'm assuming he also doesn't mind you carrying heavy things, going out into the dark alone, won't get this or that for you etc? I dated a guy just like that
> 
> Chivalry has died. It seems I've got the last of a dying breed.
> 
> Talk to him... I think this whole "women are just men without d*cks" thing has just really gotten to a lot of guys. So he probably doesn't think about the message he's sending to your daughter when he walks wayy ahead of her instead of walking WITH her. Women want (need) to feel safe and secure with their man, how safe can you feel walking down the street with your husband when he's walking 15 feet ahead of you?
> 
> The next time he does that, stop and walk back to wherever you were coming from, or just stand their. Hopefully (if he cares) he'll recognize that and ask why and you can tell him that you just don't feel comfortable when he walks so quickly and leaves you behind.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this.


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## Voiceofreason

This has long been an issue in my 30+ year marriage. I just walk fast and I am tall, and she is a slow walker. It is difficult and uncomfortable to walk artificially slowly for more than a few minutes. I just naturally end up going to my usual comfortable pace and leave her behind. Some of the time I think it involves an unconscious concern that people will get in line ahead of us when we are heading to a movie, game or restaurant. 

Nevertheless, my wife made clear to me that she felt it was disrespectful for me to end up ahead of her. I got the memo  It is important to her so it is important to me--I walk with her and hold her hand. All good now. Some things are just about learning and priorities...


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## mekarie

Whenever he walks a few steps faster, get right 
BEHIND him. He will slow down!


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## EleGirl

Zombie thread.


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