# He's off the wagon again



## aine

Found out recently that he has not been going to AA and in fact has been drinking when he travels overseas, hid everything from me, though a few times I suspected him, of course no point in saying anything, an alcoholic will deny deny deny or admit and make it your fault. I know this game well now. I have been here far too many times, I also suspect cheating, but it could be my overactive imagination, at this point I just want to protect myself and whatever finances I can salvage. 

He thinks he is high functioning but I can forsee the steady descent into the abyss.

I am not the emotional wreck I used to be thanks to the knowledge I have and the resources I have, however it still hurts and I still grieve for the marriage I thought we could have had going into our retirement. If he wont work the programme there is nothing I can do, perhaps he has to lose it all, the marriage, family, assets, business, all. I am loath to call alcoholism a disease cause that sounds like the A has no choices, he has had plenty of tools, counselling, support but CHOSE not to follow that path. HIS CHOICE. This has been his THIRD attempt at AA, he is not hungry enough for it because he is a very very weak man in many ways.
Communication has broken down entirely, his new business is not doing well, he blames the stress for his drinking but I blame his drinking for his lack of focus, unwillingness to roll up his sleeves and dig in, same old same old. All I know is that if he doesn't work the programme he will lose everything including me.

Thanks for letting me vent.


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## Bibi1031

The last time I kept up with your thread, you were going to get in firmer ground regarding finances and then you would divorce, and be free and independent. Has your goal not been met yet? 

I understand you may still love this man, but it is not healthy or in your best interest to remain legally attached to him if he will drown both of you in your golden years.


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## sunsetmist

aine said:


> Found out recently that he has not been going to AA and in fact has been drinking when he travels overseas, hid everything from me, though a few times I suspected him, of course no point in saying anything, an alcoholic will deny deny deny or admit and make it your fault. I know this game well now. I have been here far too many times, I also suspect cheating, but it could be my overactive imagination, at this point I just want to protect myself and whatever finances I can salvage.
> 
> He thinks he is high functioning but I can forsee the steady descent into the abyss.
> 
> I am not the emotional wreck I used to be thanks to the knowledge I have and the resources I have, however it still hurts and I still grieve for the marriage I thought we could have had going into our retirement. If he wont work the programme there is nothing I can do, perhaps he has to lose it all, the marriage, family, assets, business, all. I am loath to call alcoholism a disease cause that sounds like the A has no choices, he has had plenty of tools, counselling, support but CHOSE not to follow that path. HIS CHOICE. This has been his THIRD attempt at AA, he is not hungry enough for it because he is a very very weak man in many ways.
> Communication has broken down entirely, his new business is not doing well, he blames the stress for his drinking but I blame his drinking for his lack of focus, unwillingness to roll up his sleeves and dig in, same old same old. All I know is that if he doesn't work the programme he will lose everything including me.
> 
> Thanks for letting me vent.


So very sorry. Sounds like you have done more than most. What an empty, helpless, hopeless feeling. Continue to protect yourself.


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## Openminded

Yes, you do need to protect yourself. Few people quit permanently and I know you wanted to believe he would but that always was unlikely. He'll take you down with him if you let him.


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## MJJEAN

aine said:


> This has been his THIRD attempt at AA, he is not hungry enough for it because he is a very very weak man in many ways.


Last I checked, AA has a 95% recidivism rate. 95%. Research shows that addicts have a better chance at recovery through private, intensive, therapy. If you're willing, you could try that route. Or you could just cut bait. A person has to truly, deeply, want to change before they can actually change, and even then it's difficult and may be unsuccessful. If you believe he has a will to sober up and just lacks the proper tools, get him in to a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction. If you don't think he has the will to sober up, RUN!


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## 2ntnuf

A man I knew who was a recovering alcoholic, told me everyone has to bottom out. Where that bottom might be is anyone's guess. The alcoholic doesn't know. 

Sorry for you.


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## Ms. GP

I'm so sorry to hear this! I can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. I really hope you are taking extra care of yourself right now. ((Hugs))


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## WorkingWife

aine said:


> I am loath to call alcoholism a disease cause that sounds like the A has no choices, he has had plenty of tools, counselling, support but CHOSE not to follow that path. HIS CHOICE. This has been his THIRD attempt at AA, he is not hungry enough for it because he is a very very weak man in many ways.


So so sorry to hear this Aine. I believe Alcoholism IS a disease. However, so is diabetes, Congestive Heart Failure, depression, Celiacs, and a whole host of other ailments that force one to either change the way they live or decline, live miserably, then die early.

His weakness is also a choice.

When he loses everything and hits rock bottom he may truly turn around, but it will be too late for you because you'll probably be so much happier and at peace without him dragging you down that you won't want him back regardless. Sad, but you have the rest of your life to live. I hope you can work things out.


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## firefairy

I lived with an addict for nearly 16 years. I lost so much of myself. I was/am damaged from living in the chaos for years. I've recently started a blog to write about my past and my present. I write about the emotional damage i endured and the work i'm putting into undoing the damage so my past doesn't ruin my present or my future. This site helped me through some of my darkest moments. I wanted to come back to where i vented when i was lost and where i received encouragement when i felt all alone, miserable and hopeless. 


If anyone wants to follow my page and read about my journey in hopes that i can help someone else escape the turmoil..follow my page on facebook - Lemons to Lemonade Blog 


The facebook page has a link to my wix blog page where the full post can be read. 


I hope all of you can heal the wounds inside of you and move forward in life.. its been liberating.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

2ntnuf said:


> A man I knew who was a recovering alcoholic, told me everyone has to bottom out. Where that bottom might be is anyone's guess. The alcoholic doesn't know.
> 
> Sorry for you.


Bottom is unlikely reached so long as Aine remains.


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## Spicy

I have no suggestions our sweet aine...just wanted to say I’m so sorry for all you are going through and send you a big cyber hug,


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