# not sure anymore



## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

Hi, I am new here. I've read through some posts and didn't really find anything similar to my situation yet. Basically, I left my husband 2 years ago. We currently have no legal separation or anything just because we haven't had the need and we get the financial - tax, insurance, etc. benefits of being married. So, we've been married 9 years, together 11. But, I moved to another state (our original home state) 2 years ago and he is planning on moving up here next year, to be closer to the kids. He is in the army currently and won't be out till then. I moved here because he was planning to transfer here as well. But... when I told him I wanted to separate and not be together, he decided not to. At the time I wanted to separate, it was probably because of some normal stuff of not being able to communicate well and hurt feelings on both sides. No abuse or anything. He did cheat on me once about 2 years into our marriage, and it was close to ending then. So then he joined the army without consulting me, but then we decided we wanted to try work it out, so basically at that time I had to choose to follow him or not, and I chose to follow him. Anyway, after we moved we still had our same old problems and I couldn't take it anymore. And I still had the hurt from the cheating, I thought I'd get over it but I couldn't. Then I thought I was happier when he was deployed (ie not around) because I didn't have to feel bad. So... well that's what led me to feeling like I wanted out.
So... after I moved I started seeing someone else. He is great and we are happy, he is so different from my husband, he's always trying to make me smile and laugh. We've been together almost 2 years now, got together shortly after I moved. But now... 2 years later... I miss my husband. He took the separation hard initially. We have 2 kids that stay with me so we stay somewhat in contact. He has a gf now. I don't know if I want to say anything to him because I don't want to mess with his emotions and really he seems over me but of course we don't really talk about it. Conversations are always awkward though we are civil at this time. I'm not even sure if its a real "I want to get back together" or more of an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" type of thing. Ideally I'd love if we could both leave the bf and gf and we just sorta start over and take things slow. Should I just leave him alone and let him move on or tell him maybe I made a mistake? Also, he is deployed now and won't be back in the States till Aug or Sept, should I put this on him now or wait until he comes home? 
Thanks for reading.


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## MrWombat (Feb 16, 2012)

pokey said:


> Basically, I left my husband 2 years ago. We currently have no legal separation or anything just because we haven't had the need and we get the financial - tax, insurance, etc. benefits of being married.


Ok, so you are committing tax and insurance fraud. Please go on.


pokey said:


> Anyway, after we moved we still had our same old problems and I couldn't take it anymore. And I still had the hurt from the cheating, I thought I'd get over it but I couldn't. Then I thought I was happier when he was deployed (ie not around) because I didn't have to feel bad.
> So... after I moved I started seeing someone else. He is great and we are happy, he is so different from my husband, he's always trying to make me smile and laugh. We've been together almost 2 years now, got together shortly after I moved. But now... 2 years later... I miss my husband.


First world problems. Perhaps if you could cheat on this second guy with a third one, that might make everything ok. Hey - it't worth a shot, right? If you're unhapy?

Or perhaps happiness doesn't come from this man or that one. Perhaps it isn't what you think it is. Perhaps you should outgrow the need for that new relationship buzz which every adult agrees doesn't last all that long.


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## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

MrWombat, I see your point and have actually had the same general thought. FYI, I've never cheated before on anyone ever. I am a terrible liar and hate to do it (so don't). I am generally an honest person with integrity. True - this post does not show any of that!! Yes, it is the worst thing I have done in my life and takes me down from decent person to a less than decent person. 
I don't know if I wasn't clear, I know my thoughts were scattered. He cheated on me, 7 years ago, then immediately after I found out he left for the army (so had been planning that but didn't tell me- I had no idea that was coming). I did NOT deserve to be cheated on at that time - I did absolutely nothing unfaithful. I loved him so much and I was absolutely crushed. Anyway I moved 700 miles away with him, away from my friends, family, and life in one state. And felt the hurt and betrayal the entire time. I was unable in my heart to forgive at the time. So eventually, 4 years later, which was 2 years ago, I moved back to my home state (told husband it was over and all that before I left) and only then met a guy here. 
I've also been depressed my entire life since I was a kid. I attribute no happiness/unhappiness to a guy anymore, actually only recently past few years have I learned to stand on my own, that I am the only one that can make me happy or not. Other ppl just do things, it is up to me how I let it affect me.
Anyhow, this post may be moot now. I did email my husband last night and he messaged back and he is happy with his gf. Really I am happy too because I do love him and deep down I want him to be happy. I think he wants me to be happy too - and we both realize that we aren't really marriage material but we do have a connection and want to stay friends. I suppose that is what I missed, I didn't want to lose him from my life, he's one of my top best friends ever.


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## pokey (Mar 26, 2012)

MrWombat, I do appreciate your reply. I know my point of view isn't the only one and it helps to see how others view it. I've seen some of your other posts and you sure are candid.


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