# Ready for divorce husband watching teen porn



## rainbowdolphin

My husband and I have multiple problems in the relationship. I was married prior and have 4 children, 3 that still live at home. He was never married. I have found on both his desktop and laptop computer sites where he has searched for specifically "teen porn" or "teenie movies". I find this sickening as I have a teenage daughter in the home and a 7 year old daughter. I have discussed this with him and asked him if he was going to look at porn please not look specifically at young girls as it bothers me, especially since I was molested as a child. He said he understood then I found he was still searching for teen porn. He says every adult male searches teen porn because they don't want to see old people having sex. He is 41 by the way. Now he has changed the password on his computer or clears the history so I have no idea what he is looking at. To ice the cake we don't have sex very often and I have stopped trying to initiate sex because he says my approach is "childish, like a teenagers" yet this is what he is searching. I can't seem to move past this along with many other problems. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## rainbowdolphin

Thank you for your input. We currently are seeing a therapist about other issues, but he tells me what I can and cannot talk about during the sessions.

He happens to be very controlling about many issues. The tv is not to have any "kid shows" on it when he is home, despite the fact that I have a 7 and 14 year old, they are expected to watch CNN or FOX news. 

He can be very demanding and controlling at times. During all this, I had to have surgery and wanted to get some time away from kids, house, work, marriage and planned to go to an all women's spa. He accused me of having an affair and told me if I went he would burn my house to the ground. My 14 year old son sleeps with a butcher knife out of fear. Though my husband has never been physically aggressive, he makes threats and is emotionally abusive. He is also very intimidating at 6'6" and about 360 pounds. 

We have talked about divorce, but then he becomes emotional and cries stating he didn't do a very good job at protecting me. But it all seems like an act. When we are fighting he goes from yelling to tears in a matter of minutes. I never know which husband I'm going to deal with, and the worst part is he can portray being the nicest guy ever when at work, everyone there thinks he's a god or something. Yet when we get home it's like wallking on eggshells all the time.

I feel so confused I just don't know what to do.

To confuse the problem more, he moved into my house when we married, we keep separate money accounts, nothing is combined. So all the house bills are in my name. He agreed to a set amount that he would pay towards house expenses each pay and he is currently $6000 behind in paying it. And every major purchase has to be made by me. He wanted a new tv, cost me $4000 then he took my old tv (3 years old) to his camp that he and his parents and siblings co-own. Same thing with a new couch and love seat, I had to purchase new ones then he took my old ones (3 years old) to camp. Along with the fence that I replaced around my back yard, $3000 I wanted to give old fence to my parents so they could fence in their back yard for their dog, but nope it sits in a heap at his camp.

So confused, thanks for the input.


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## Kobo

Seems like he doesn't respect you or your opinions at all. First of all when I did watch porn I didn't watch anything with "teen" in the title. Not every male is looking for "teen" porn. It doesn't surprise me that he is controlling. A teenage girl is probably easily controlled by a 41 year old man...


Porn aside if he is threatening you then you need to go plain and simple. That is unacceptable.


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## rainbowdolphin

Trust me I bring up the financial issues, he says I miscalculate. But I double check all my finances. Not only do they go in a notebook with dates due, and highlighted when paid, they are also on a spreadsheet. I go overboard with this stuff. But he just shrugs it off and continues to reside here for free most of the time, then he will give me a check every 4-5 weeks for one pay date. So I pay the mortgage, electric, gas, phone, cell phones (including his), groceries, taxes, ect... He pays his truck payment and his credit cards. Everything else is in my name. I owed nothing in credit card debt before we got married, now I'm burried in it. 

Funny you mention Jeckyl and Hyde, that's what he acts like all the time. We had a big blow out in April and I changed all the locks on the doors. I still haven't given him a key. For my 14 year old son's birthday in June he said he didn't want anything except for me to promise I would never give my husband the key to the house. 

He says he's attempting to change but at this point I'm not sure I would care if he turned into Mr. Perfect. So much damage has been done.

He even has his counselor telling him that he has adjusted to all the change very well. He must be buffaloing him, he has definate anger issues and control problems.


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## questions

While I am all for people working on themselves first before looking at their partners to "solve" their problems, I'm leaning to think that the collateral damage could be too high if your marriage stays its current course. I feel that the one of the most basic needs is at risk for you and your kids stay in the current environment: "safety". 

As a mother of a daughter, I hear your pain and concern. What bothers about this scenario is that you have two daughters, including 1 teenager, living at home, and you were molested as a child. You have expressed your pain and concern upon finding our your H's habit of looking at teen porn, and he understands your concerns and history. That not only makes you feel uncomfortable with your own needs but also threatened for the safety of your daughters. I'm not insinuating that he's going to be a molester just for watching teen porn, but his habits push the button that might be too painful and too threatened to handle. Furthermore, your son sleeps with a knife for his own safety... I know how challenging it is to live with someone who can be so angry and nice at the same time. The lack of consistency and predictability adds even more to your threatened sense of security.

It might not be healthy for you and your children to continue in the current environment. It's one thing if you feel threatened for yourself, but you also fear for your children. That to me is a deal breaker. I could never put the safety of my children at risk, even if this risk has a remote possibility and not even real. I would feel too threatened to function normally. 

Tell your husband how vulnerable, painful and threatened you feel, and that this issue to raw for you to function normally. Tell him that you're serious enough to consider a divorce since that's your truth. He needs to know that what you're feeling is very "real" given your own personal history, and it's not something you can just push away. Tell him that you could work on building trust over time, but not when you feel so threatened now. If he can't understand that basic feeling, well, you already know your answer.

Wish you the best.


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## Kobo

questions said:


> While I am all for people working on themselves first before looking at their partners to "solve" their problems, I'm leaning to think that the collateral damage could be too high if your marriage stays its current course. I feel that the one of the most basic needs is at risk for you and your kids stay in the current environment: "safety".
> 
> As a mother of a daughter, I hear your pain and concern. What bothers about this scenario is that you have two daughters, including 1 teenager, living at home, and you were molested as a child. You have expressed your pain and concern upon finding our your H's habit of looking at teen porn, and he understands your concerns and history. That not only makes you feel uncomfortable with your own needs but also threatened for the safety of your daughters. I'm not insinuating that he's going to be a molester just for watching teen porn, but his habits push the button that might be too painful and too threatened to handle. Furthermore, your son sleeps with a knife for his own safety... I know how challenging it is to live with someone who can be so angry and nice at the same time. The lack of consistency and predictability adds even more to your threatened sense of security.
> 
> It might not be healthy for you and your children to continue in the current environment. It's one thing if you feel threatened for yourself, but you also fear for your children. That to me is a deal breaker. I could never put the safety of my children at risk, even if this risk has a remote possibility and not even real. I would feel too threatened to function normally.
> 
> Tell your husband how vulnerable, painful and threatened you feel, and that this issue to raw for you to function normally. Tell him that you're serious enough to consider a divorce since that's your truth. He needs to know that what you're feeling is very "real" given your own personal history, and it's not something you can just push away. Tell him that you could work on building trust over time, but not when you feel so threatened now. If he can't understand that basic feeling, well, you already know your answer.
> 
> Wish you the best.



Agree. Except I feel she needs to get out now vs trying to get him to work on his issues. IMO once someone is being threatened, all bets are off.


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## rainbowdolphin

I would never say that everything is his fault, it takes two to make a marriage. He just has some scary qualities that might work better in another relationship. Should have thought something was funny when he wasn't married by the age of 40 and he rushed the marriage to be just 6 months after we started dating. And that we were not to tell anyone about it because he keeps his private life "private".


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## sisters359

The egg-shells, controlling behavior, and whirl-wind romance-to-marriage are all huge red flags. Please, see a therapist on your own. You are being exploited and, it appears, verbally and emotionally abused (the therapist can give you a better read on that). I do not see much you can or should do to attempt to improve this situation b/c you have spoken to your husband and he has simply ignored you. HB would say it is "your fault" for not setting boundaries--and to some extent, I understand where he is coming from. But the way I see it, if we have to set boundaries with an ultimatum ("you stop X because I will not tolerate it and this marriage will be over") is the sign of an extremely unhealthy marriage where one partner cannot, without said threat, respect the other's needs and wants. Your h clearly does not respect yours, so I'd say he's shown his hand and deserves no more consideration than any other exploitative, potentially abusive, person. That means, none. I'd change the locks and throw him out and serve him with papers to remove all the stuff he's taken from your home to his camp. Let him try to collect on the new stuff you bought--will receipts show his name involved, or his credit card? You may owe him some % of the money spent on things while you were married, but do not go this alone. Get a lawyer; it is your house, your life, your kids. You and they deserve so much better.

Now, having said that--start and stay in counseling and figure out why you have made 2 mistakes in marriage!! In the long run, you will be so much better off! You sound perfectly capable of paying your way and taking care of your kids, so don't rush into anything--not even dating--until you have a good handle on how to better look out for yourself emotionally!


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## questions

Have you considered therapy for yourself? I think that everyone can benefit from it. Our psychological pain often can manifest as physical pains. As you get more healing emotionally, your physical symptoms might get better. I read your other thread, and it strikes me as odd that while you seem to know what you need to do yet paralyzed about taking actions. You talk about physically paralyzed on the other thread... 

Take actions to take care of yourself, and you don't need others' approval for that.


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## brad

brown is right on about the porn. Teen porn is the majority of porn anyway and doesnt mean he wants to molest kids. dont worry.

but he sounds nuts on many counts and abusive. I would leave the guy if you could. All those stupid rules he has? wow.


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## groundtorun

Sounds like he might have borderline personality disorder - or in lamens terms he's an *******. A man, particularly of his size, shouldn't be throwing threats around at his family (not that size factors into abuse, it's just sad when very big men bully smaller people) Don't worry about your daughter, the psychological reasons most males look up teen porn isn't to do with any actual attraction to teenagers outside of porn, I myself up until a few months ago watched any old porn (and usually having a girlfriend it wasnt that often) but suddenly finding myself grown up and stressed out (i'm 21, not too grown up!) I turned almost overnight into a teen porn maniac, it worried me at first suddenly I couldnt watch any other porn, and it's compulsive, but I realised that my simple school days were gone and I was sad about it and teen porn gave me a little window into that again in some weird perverse way, even though outside of my computer screen I have no attraction to young girls, the way they act or talk, even look isn't appealing. Aaaaanyway, what I was getting at is that your man might be having some sort of his own semi-crisis and teens give him a throwback to simpler times, and about your daughter again- if he was watching porn featuring women the same age as, say, your sister, would you immediatly think he was going to get up on your sister? A man is not attracted to every female he meets, even within a set fantasy niche. People play sex games with nooses and knives and stuff all the time, doesn't mean they'd ever actually want to perform or that they'd condone the murder or rape or whatever of anyone. I don't know him personally of course and it's not for me to say what he would or would not do. Anyway, good luck and if the guy can't work out his issues in a healthy way I'd say get up outta there and find a real man!


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