# No Sex marriage



## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

HI, I have a long story to tell but actually just want to get to the point as I do not have any answers anymore. I met my husband 10 years ago the first year was the best time in my life. We fell pregnant after a year and since then he has no desire for me. I am a reasonably good looking woman, I kept in shape and truly believe that I am a well kept woman. He had an affair with a woman at work while I was pregnant with our second child. After I found out of the affair he committed to me and said he loves me and wants to work it out. For the next 3 years we tried but it never really improved , he was always tired or something was wrong. He would not go on holidays with me, never take me for dinner, even when I came back from holidays after 3 weeks he would not even make love to me. I had developed a good friendship with a male friend and he said to me that either he is still having an affair or he is watching porn. So when I investigated his phone and laptop I discovered that he was watching porn. My Husband committed to getting help and has no been in recovery for the last 12 months. So I have been patient at home, there is no fighting as I leave him alone , I do not question him , I do not push him anymore. As soon as I do put my foot down we start fighting and for the kids sake and myself i do not want that. He has become a little more affectionate , hugging me and holding my hand, but he still does not want to make love to me, or only once every 4 - 6 weeks. I know if I question him we will fight again. My question is if I give him the benefit of the doubt that he has no affair, he cured his porn addiction and he loves me as he says - why does he not want to have sex with me regularly. Can it be that his porn addiction is cured but he just does not desire me, can desire ever come back for man for his woman? I have lived with this now for 8 years, and I would have left him if it was not for the kids. He is a good man overall, I just want to know what are the chances that he will ever desire me again? Thank you All for taking time to read this


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He may be a good man but he sure as hell sucks as a husband wouldn't you say? Did you marry to have a father for your children or did you marry because you loved him and felt loved by him?

Your friend was right then and is right now.

Porn addiction is still in full swing or he is having a series of affairs and hook ups ala Tiger Woods.

Investigate, gather evidence, confront and then leave. Go to CWI and see "standard evidence gathering" thread by weightlifter,


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Anja12345;

You sound like a good woman who is trying to fix your marriage. Your situation demands the help of a professional. You need a really good marriage counselor, who is committed to saving marriages is at all possible. This sounds like way too much for a do it yourself fix and the stakes (your happiness and that of two young children) are too high to risk on anything but skilled professional help.

Some may feel it is too expensive, but I assure you it is a lot less expensive than a divorce attorney.

Good luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You can spend a lot of money and time on MC, or just go straight to the divorce attorney you'll probably need anyway.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Has he been to the Dr lately? He may have a low t count. Is he depressed, overweight or stressed? Does he have performance issues? Since you want to stay for the children you are probably just going to have to live this way. I know it's tough and it does a number on your self esteem. Odds are you will start to resent him, and will probably loose the desire to be with him sexually and once the children leave will want to leave him. That's usually the pattern.


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

HI All, thank you for taking time to respond. Yes he has been at a doctor his t count s fine. We have been at so many counselors, church pastors, porn addiction programme. He says he loves me, and really tries at home to get involved with me and the kids. My Kids are happy now as we do not fight anymore. I am a very positive person and I always make the best of things, but inside something is missing I do not feel like woman as he just does not have desire for me. I cant give up cause of my kids, they are happy now. I am asking other men here maybe.... If a man does not desire his wife, will he ever be able to desire me again? Point is give him all the freedom, I allow him to lead the family, I do not push him, I do not complain anymore. I am not sure if I can leave him one day as he is a good father, a good man, he is nice to me but he does not want to make love to me. Obviously when I think back of the things he has said to me in the past that he does not find me sexually attractive anymore , he said that there are other woman who look better then me, he says there is to much at stake to get a divorce (not sure if he meant that financially or kids sake or both). These things bug me and stay in the back of my head. He says that was all cause of the pron addicition and he does love me and find me beautiful. So I will see I guess if he is faking it he can only do so for some time, until either his true colours come out again and he turns to porn or another woman, sometimes I feel he is to scared to stay on his own so he hangs on as I offer him and our kids a beautiful home. The kids are sorted out , food on the table, clean house, I even organise our entertainment, weekends away and socialising. He just works. I also work half day and actually contribute 50% of the finances as well. SO maybe I am spoiling him too much. Can a man stay for such reasons with a woman although he has no desire for her? I am a christian....I am devoted but I am not sure if I can stay with him if he has no desire for me. But my kids (6 and 8 years) I cant break their heart. Sorry for blabbering but I do not understand my husband when it comes to sex... can it be that he actually loves me (like a sister or friend) and that his sexuality is just that after a while he gets bored with the same old sex\partner? This is very difficult for me as I cant be selfish , I just wish he would make love to me...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Something is certainly being hidden.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anja - one small request first....please use paragraphs to break your posts up....one great 'brick' of text is sometimes a bit overwhelming! Thanks!

Your issue is very common....but its 'eye-opening' that you are a wife in a sexless marriage. 95% of similar posts are from men seeking advice!

You are doing what many men in similar positions do....accept your position and make the most of it for your childrens sakes. You say that your children are alot happier now because you no longer fight.
Great fo them, not so great for you.

You say your husband has had all the checks and been to counselling etc. It may just be that your husband - just like many wives - are just simply not interested in sex. No reflection on you atall. They just don't see it as a priority or even that important and can't (or won't) understand why it may be important to you.

Your options;
- Accept the situation and stay for the sake of the children, but aim to leave when they are old enough
- Have a FWB. Lots and lots of people on here will disagree...but whilst we all accept that extra-marital sex is wrong, getting your sexual needs met elsewhere can often make a marriage better because sex is no longer an issue for you, as such
- File for divorce now

Only you can make that decision. It won't be easy...infact it will be jolly hard work...but it is also YOU birthright to be happy.

Do you want to lie on your deathbed thinking "why didn't I?...If only I had...."


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

askari said:


> Anja - one small request first....please use paragraphs to break your posts up....one great 'brick' of text is sometimes a bit overwhelming! Thanks!
> 
> Your issue is very common....but its 'eye-opening' that you are a wife in a sexless marriage. 95% of similar posts are from men seeking advice!
> 
> ...


yes i will break up the text a little more 

Thank you for your honest opinion. I guess no one can give me a solution. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with his sex drive , otherwise he would not have had an affair or watched so much porn.

None of us can see into the future, I just hoped that I can get an opinion maybe from other men about the truth what goes on in a man if he does not desire his wife sexually.

Why would he stay - does he not also want romance or at least sex. Does he stay just cause of the finances and or the kids? He is 8 years younger than me, I am just scared I stay with him and in 5 years time he leaves me for someone younger. I do not live in fear of that , these are just thoughts that pop up. 

As said I live a good life, have many friends, play allot of sport so I am not all negative. I just want my husband to be more sexually active. 

I know I have a choice - I either accept my situation and live with it. Or I move on but my guilt for my kids can not allow that at this point. If things do not change and the kids are a little older maybe I then its an option.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

You're being awfully supportive of your husband and his needs OP, but what about you honey? Hubby, even if he's not cheating with another person is STILL cheating you, because he's betraying your marriage vows by withholding sex. Remember that part about forsaking all others and keeping only unto you??

If I had been away for 3 weeks hubby wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me. He'd be all over me like sauce on spaghetti, lol. 

It's so unfair to you, to have to live this way. Time for hubby to sh!t or get off the pot.


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

frusdil said:


> You're being awfully supportive of your husband and his needs OP, but what about you honey? Hubby, even if he's not cheating with another person is STILL cheating you, because he's betraying your marriage vows by withholding sex. Remember that part about forsaking all others and keeping only unto you??
> 
> If I had been away for 3 weeks hubby wouldn't be able to keep his hands off me. He'd be all over me like sauce on spaghetti, lol.
> 
> It's so unfair to you, to have to live this way. Time for hubby to sh!t or get off the pot.


I have told him, he knows I wont stay if things don't improve. So he is making a huge effort at the moment, he does not get agro (Used to shout and scream when I approached him - he even hurt me a few times in the past) anymore, he is warmer as a person now more caring.

He does not work every weekend anymore, he comes home earlier from work sometimes. So yes I feel I need to give him that chance. The point is he is a good partner now, we communicate better

So for the last three months he really has changed in that manner, as he knows I will divorce him if he doesnt. So now my question is - is he doing this all as he fears i will be leaving him if he does not change , and if he does how long can he fake it if he does not really mean it. I guess time will tell.

Look he really has been trying the last few months , but why I have my doubts is because he does not touch me sexually.

Time will tell thats all I am telling myself. I have put up clear boundaries with him. If he abuses me in any way physically or verbally - if he continues with his porn or any affairs.

I can not force him to have sex with me , so that boundary is very difficult to set.

Things go well as I have not complained either in the last three months, but I know eventually I will start complaining if things don't improve and I will then see his reactions towards me.

I just pains me for my kids if I ever did divorce him. 

If he does not love me in a romantic way - I can accept it - I just wish he would then agree with me that this will not work and we can have a mutual/peaceful agreement to divorce.

The problem is he used to get agro when I spoke about divorce - So I dont anymore... ANyway I just wish he would be honest with me about his true feelings for me and then we can act as two grown up people and move forward.

Thank you all for your time , I feel better putting it all in words.


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

I am sorry , posting one more post I know I am making this all about me now. But I really would just like to understand?

If any man can explain this to me. Be truthfully honest , why I say man as I would like to understand it from a man's perspective. Obviously I would also appreciate if any woman has her say. BUt i just don't know what to believe. or anyone with a similar story that they can share some information on. What ever the outcome.

Question - Can a man desire a woman again after his has lost that desire.

Why I say he does not find me sexually attractive anymore is:

After 1 year is started - so thats when the new started fading.

He had an affair

He told me previously he does not find me sexually attractive anymore.

He started watching porn 

He now says that as he is curing his porn addiction, once that is done all will be fine with us.

Out of the ten years we only had good sex the first year - what are the chances that we will have a healthy sex life ever again?

If there is no desire , where would it come from?
I am so confused , i want to believe him, but why would he all of the sudden want to have sex with me after 9 years. Can he fall in love with me again.......


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

He could. Don't know what it would take for him but he certainly could become attracted to you again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If a woman tells us that she no longer is interested in having intimate relations with her husband, we are asked to be more understanding.
If the same is said about the husband, we are told he's screwing around.
I believe, based on MY past experience, the latter applies to both.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

hookares said:


> If a woman tells us that she no longer is interested in having intimate relations with her husband, we are asked to be more understanding.
> If the same is said about the husband, we are told he's screwing around.
> I believe, based on MY past experience, the latter applies to both.




I agree on both parts.

My wife isn't interested. I know she's not screwing around, I know where she is ALL the time.
She just...........isn't interested.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm a man.

From my perspective, YES, a man can become attracted to a person again after the honeymoon is over and life gives way to the blah's.

The way back is complex, but must start with the effort and desire to love your wife again like you once did. It will probably begin with some doubts and some hesitation. It won't suddenly be sparks flying again. But with effort it will come.

The question is...............does he want to?

I say he needs to get off his selfish butt, be truly sorrowful for his unacceptable behavior and start approaching you with love.

He says he loves you. If he truly does (not necessarily sexually) , then he can learn to love you romantically too. There's more to attraction than just pure physical.


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

flyer said:


> I agree on both parts.
> 
> My wife isn't interested. I know she's not screwing around, I know where she is ALL the time.
> She just...........isn't interested.


So you saying he might just not be interested in sex. Nothing to do with me personally. I could believe that if he wasn't watching porn so much.


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## anja12345 (Mar 17, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> I'm a man.
> 
> From my perspective, YES, a man can become attracted to a person again after the honeymoon is over and life gives way to the blah's.
> 
> ...


Thank you ... I do hope he gets that


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

anja12345 said:


> So you saying he might just not be interested in sex. Nothing to do with me personally. I could believe that if he wasn't watching porn so much.


Yes, I would agree based on what you've said so far.

He IS interested in sex. Just not with you. And that's really sad.
This boy really needs to step up to the plate.

Makes me mad reading about this stuff.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Makes me wonder what kind of excuse(s) he would give us, if we got him to come on here.


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