# Help Pleaseee why is it killing me to let go!



## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Hello All,

It had posted here a couple a months ago about me leaving my kids dad after 10 years of a very unhealthy relationship... It's been 4 months now... and as the days go on I feel like its getting harder for me to let go... Nothing I do seems to be working in my favor... I'm going to therapy, I'm going to chruch... I do more things with my girls.. I mean why cant I shake this guy.. I know he is no good for me.. he never trusted me... he use to beat me... I mean why cant I let him be... I haven't asked him back but I have asked him to stay with me and the girls.. he has told me know.. a couple of times... It's clear he has moved on.. Why cant I...I still have depressed days when he act like he don't care... or if I feel thinks he is with another female... I have ran into him with other women... and everything... Please give me some advice on what I can do... to just move on with my life...


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

When you feel that way, think about the fact that you generally need to purge yourself of a bad thing before you can receive a good one. And, this guy used to beat you, right? This may sound harsh but countless women each year stay with an abusive man because "they couldn't shake him". And, once the violence progressed to a fatal end, they finally did shake him (and not in a good way). When people are in physically abusive relationships, they need to view it as life and death because there is a fine line that gets crossed far too often. You said that he never trusted you. Did he ever beat you because he felt like you were cheating or paying another man too much attention? There is no reasoning with a jealous man that is beating on you. And do your kids need to see you taking beatings (or worse)? You did the right thing by leaving. Do a better thing by moving on and staying gone.

Your main issue (in my opinion and correct me if I am wrong) is that you want to put your family back together. You want you and him to raise the kids and be the family that you have always imagined. I can understand that. However, you have to know that he is not the man that can lead your family in the way that you want. He does not want to be that man. Even though you feel weak right now, I'd bet that you are stronger than you realize. Keep your head up and remember why you left in the first place. Good luck.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You are mourning the loss of a dream. Eventually you will realize that your dream couldn't have been a reality anyway.

What you wanted just wasn't there - but you've made the best choice available.

You may want to do some reading on codependency. A lot of people have trouble letting go of painful relationships - your feelings are more common than you might realize.


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Orion, you are so right... and thank you for the comment.. Yes he use to beat me when he thought I was doing something with other guys.. he was very jealous man... and I never could do anything... if I did he would be with me... 

yes you are right I want us to be that perfect little family... but it didn't happened that.. way... I feel so unwanted... at this time... I really want us to get back together... 

@ nice777guy.... thank you.. by any chance do you know any books about codependency that I can get... Please...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie is the "classic" book on the topic.

Also, here's a site has a Forum/message board and other information on the topic. The Forum there isn't nearly as active as this board, but you might find it helpful to read some of the posts.

Home Page

Good luck!


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

@ Nice777guy... Thank you very much..


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## Peachyqqq (Sep 17, 2010)

(( hugs )) I've been here before - you do get through and I know this is not reassuring right now - but you will  Here's a little trick that I was taught when I was on a different board when I was going through a separation with my children's father.

#1 - there is that normal phase that you go through where you start to then question your actions, the separation, the divorce. You maybe, for the first time really remember the "good times" a happy moment and you may dwel on it. It feels good and you start to wonder if you should fight for him/her back in your life. 
*
STOP RIGHT THERE!*

Acknowledge this normal part of the grieving process, but to put it back in perspective for you - WRITE DOWN THE REASONS THE RELATIONSHIP WAS NOT GOOD , NOT HEALTHY AND AFFECTING YOUR EMOTIONAL and PHYSICAL STABILITY.

Then let go.....

Let this relationship flow down the river - down the stream.

This relationship is not good for you, it no longer serves any purpose for you. It no longer allows you to prosper and grow, evolve as an individual. It no longer is viable - It was painful, hurtful and damaging to you and you ARE WORTHY OF A LOVING RESPECTFUL RELATIONSHIP. It is not in your control to fix anyone , but you. All you can make better - is you. 

Let it go.

Accept it and know that this a wonderful time to heal yourself, explore you, your life, new interests, be the best person you can be so that when the universe offers a new door for you to open......you are vibrant , fresh and new and willing to learn and teach. Love yourself. Find out what you adore, what makes you feel good in life and start by having a relationship with you. Increase self worth, self esteem through this new journey. See it is an adventure!

Now, if i can take my own advice  Its hard, you must do though and it's the only way to move forward, you will be happier for it. :smthumbup:


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## Ms.Me4once (May 24, 2010)

Peachyqqq, thank you sooooooooooo very much.. your words of advice was the best ever.... and I am going to let go and move forward.. you hit so much of how I'm feeling wow... I thank you again... and I'm going to take your advice and run with it and never look back.... 


My God Bless you!


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

HEY WAIT A SECOND!

How the Co-dependency Movement Is Ruining Marriages

there is such a pathology in this "codependecy" clique. stop.

just read this link. please. before you leap like that.

and diagnose yourself:

http://www.coda.org/tools4recovery/patterns.php

"oh, that's me!"

welcome to the club. misery loves company. and publishing companies love self-diagnosis.

NOTE: admin's. please do not delete this. I am not pimping a product, website or snake oil. just want to share some information.


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