# Is it normal to blame the person you cheated on?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but a couple days ago my wife started talking about 'stuff' and I asked her to open up about her feelings. I figured if she wasn't going to talk to a professional she should talk to someone and since she's ashamed to admit what she did to anyone she knows I told her to go ahead and say what she feels to me.

I wasn't expecting to hear some of what I heard. Parts of our relationship that really bothered her. I didn't moan and groan, I kept a straight face and told her to keep on talking. However, at one point she started to contradict herself and her position on things. Perhaps a mistake on my part to ask her about it when I said I would listen, but then she asked me to explain. Then she insisted I explain. We got back to her cheating and how it's only been 4 weeks since dday and that I'm still hurting.

I had work that day and was ready to cancel. She told me NOT to cancel. So I went to work for a couple of hours. She sent me a text apologizing for making me feel bad before work. When I got home she was preparing her mother's medicine for the week. I poured myself a glass of wine and got myself a supplement bar (Not hungry still) and felt the atmosphere was one where she just wanted to be left doing her own thing. BUT she said "I just want you to know that I didn't watch any TV or listen to any music. I'm also hurting." I backed up and moved into a chair across the table and asked her to keep talking. She kept talking "I know you're hurt, but I'm hurt too." My first instinct was "Are you comparing my pain to yours? Really?" But I held off on it, let her continue to talk and she had tears in her eyes. I wondered what pain I must have caused or if it was pain that was something I did at all...she just said she was hurt too. I don't know exactly what...I didn't want to force it out of her...but I figured she was talking about my lifestyle (Being a powerlifter diets and routines can be complicated to your average health enthusiast. She's never agreed with my diet and always thought it would cause health issues at sometime in our life. I have regular blood work done, heart check, everything...and I'm fine. She doesn't think that those tests will be significant in 10 years. I always thought this was simply a difference of opinion but she says that it was something that really pissed her off. Since I now lack any interest in the gym and my usual diet, I've lost nearly 20kgs). If this is what she means by being hurt, is this valid for her to bring up in your opinion (The opinion of the board members I mean).

The following day on her way to work she apologized for acting the way she did the night before. She asked me to check out government housing for them. I did just that but when I mentioned these places that night, she seemed uninterested and back in that place of "I'm hurt too."...I let her be, was there to listen if she wanted but wasn't going to push for anything.

So do cheaters at some point start to blame their spouses for the A? At what point during the process do the start and then stop doing this? Is there something I should do if this comes up?


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

So what do I do when she tries to shift the blame to me for her pain. I've accepted responsibility for my part but I don't feel as though she has accepted her part.

I often see a NO CONTACT rule for getting better and fixing marriages. My wife has it in her head that she needs to clear up some of the misinformation that the OP gave me about the lead up to the A. She feels betrayed (Her own words) and I was very angry that she felt she needed to 'clear things up'...

I hate going through her mail...but in the end if she wanted to contact the OP she could do so with her telephone and text messaging. She could easily hide it as she works for the phone company and knows how to use the different features on the phones. Even if she did say "Here have a look." I wouldn't be able to find anything if she hid it somewhere.

I'm trying to ride the storm out (Her time of the month) before talking about bigger issues. I just don't like being blamed for an A happening, even if her hormones are playing tricks on her.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

About two weeks after the SHTF, my H tried blaming me. And my simple sentence ( thanks to the wonderful people here) was wonderfully appropriate. " I take responsibility in my part of our marriage being unhappy, but I take NO responsibility in you choosing to sleep with someone else. That is all on you." And it was the end of that. I refuse to take any type of blame for him not keeping it in his pants.


----------



## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

" I take responsibility in my part of our marriage being unhappy, but I take NO responsibility in you choosing to sleep with someone else. That is all on you." And it was the end of that. I refuse to take any type of blame for him not keeping it in his pants. :smthumbup: DawnD..that is a great statement..except in my case I refuse to take any blame for my wife taking hers off.


----------



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

DawnD said:


> About two weeks after the SHTF, my H tried blaming me. And my simple sentence ( thanks to the wonderful people here) was wonderfully appropriate. " I take responsibility in my part of our marriage being unhappy, but I take NO responsibility in you choosing to sleep with someone else. That is all on you." And it was the end of that. I refuse to take any type of blame for him not keeping it in his pants.


I will use that, thank you!


----------



## heartbroken1957 (Apr 8, 2011)

Well Syn. Anmo. I am 16 mths after A and I still don't see any light or end of the tunnel. Most of what I've read says it takes many years to truly overcome it. Depending on your spouse, I guess. I know my marriage would be a lot farther along if he would step up and see where He failed to try to repair the marriage before just being selfish and blaming me for not working on it. 
If you really deeply love her and feel you can forgive her stick it out. If you feel she loves you and she wants to stay and work on it, stick it out and fight for it. But if either of you have a doubt of your love, to stay will only tear the other to pieces. Get out while the wounds are still fresh. To go down the road a few years and then say sorry but I quit loving you when the affair happened, will open such horrible, wounds in both of you. You will never put it in the past. It will affect your life in so many ways forever.


----------

