# Here we go again... heartbroken



## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. We began dating when he was 19 and I was 20, had our first child 2 years later and married the year after that. We currently have 2 children, ages 12 and 5. We have been through a lot over the years and have managed to build solid professional careers and a rather nice life together. However, during that time we have had a cycle of uncertainty which has been difficult to get out of. About every 3-5 years or so, my husband begins having unsettled feelings about our marriage. He questions if we married too young, if we would have gotten married if we didn't have a child, if we are compatible, etc. This usually coincides to times where he spends an incredible amount of time at work and away from our family. This also coincides with him having "friendships" with female co-workers who seem to pump up his ego and make him feel like his life is just not good enough for him. He is in the restaurant business, so he works a TON of hours, which are usually late and on the weekend. He opened a new restaurant about 6 months ago, and has worked about 100 hours a week, rarely having more than 1 day off a week (which he spends in a zombie-like state). 

The most recent event occurred 2 days before Valentine's Day, where I found out he was talking on the phone with a female bartender at his restaurant. When I confronted him, he began deflecting to talks of how he just doesn't feel like we are clicking anymore and he is unsure if he wants to be in our marriage. Up until this point, he was not acting terribly different. Any change in behavior was contributed to being overworked and stressed out. After this conversation, he completely shut down from me. He says that these feelings have come and gone during our marriage, and he has just tried to ignore them. That he feels like we have a lack of intimacy and that he feels like we would be compatible with different people. He just doesn't feel the same about me anymore.

The last time this happened (4.5 years ago), he said very similar things. After 3 weeks of being separated, he came back and reconciled. I asked him to attend marriage counseling, and we did for about a month. Things got better, and I believed he was happy. Over the last few years, I have been attending school and working full time. I just completed school, and thought that things would be more solid once he is able to get free from the restaurant a little. This time, things feel less optimistic. He seems to be opposed to any thoughts of things working out. I have asked him to work on things and attend counseling on a more serious level, but he is not very receptive. He says that even if he thinks things can change he is not sure that he wants that life with me. He finally agreed to attend counseling, but made it clear that he will not be a "cheerleader" for our marriage like I am. It sounds more like he is checking this off, so we can get on with it. Over the last 2.5 weeks he has been in and out of the house, mainly because I can't decide if I want him here or not. He is currently staying here, but sleeping on the couch. We do not see each other often because he gets home around 1 am and I leave for work at 530 am. I believe my husband also suffers from depression, as he has this negativity about a lot of things in his life. His family has a strong history of depression and mental illness. He has an extremely poor relationship with his entire family and has very few true friends outside of work. This is mainly because he has trouble staying connected to them over time.

Now, I am absolutely heartbroken. We have a beautiful family, with great children and honestly, not a bad marriage. It is not like we live in a toxic state of arguing or anything. I feel like most of our problems are fixable and really need just time together and better communication. I agree our intimacy is lacking, but it is hard for it not to, when you hardly see each other. I just can't believe that he is doing this. I have supported him through everything he has ever done. I do everything for our family because he works so hard. I just don't think he is thinking of the consequences and will live to regret this. I don't see how I am going to move forward from this. It is devouring me.

I apologize for the long post, it is hard to even manage my thoughts right now. Any feedback and support is appreciated. I have posted here before and received amazing support on the issue.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I’m sorry your going through with this. And I agree that he will regret this decision but I don’t think there is any way to get him to see that. He is incredible selfish and short sighted.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It takes two to make things fixable and he is unwilling right now. You tried to work thru this once already and a few years later hes back to his old games. Unless he is truly willing to change this cycle will continue and most likely become more frequent. In his head your not going anywhere so he has no fear of losing anything. Until he truly believe's he may lose you and family he isn't going to change. 

Your trying to excuse his behavior under depression and he may be depressed but that is his problem to address. You must give him consequences for his behavior and back them up with actions as hard as it may be for you.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho said:


> It takes two to make things fixable and he is unwilling right now. You tried to work thru this once already and a few years later hes back to his old games. Unless he is truly willing to change this cycle will continue and most likely become more frequent. In his head your not going anywhere so he has no fear of losing anything. Until he truly believe's he may lose you and family he isn't going to change.
> 
> Your trying to excuse his behavior under depression and he may be depressed but that is his problem to address. You must give him consequences for his behavior and back them up with actions as hard as it may be for you.


I've walked in his shoes in a previous life.

What I would recommend is this.

Do not try to enlist others to "help talk sense" into him, or any other weak-kneed behavior.

Tell him this must end or YOU will file for divorce - and take him for everything you can.

If it doesn't end, EXPOSE his behavior to family, friends, his family, the restaurants, etc.... wallpaper the entire town with it.

Hit him with divorce papers the same day you expose on social media and via telephone.

The shock and awe of all that will make Mr. Happy wither up and ask questions about whether the grass is really greener.

In the meantime, work on your own attractiveness. Lose weight if you need to. Develop hobbies, passions, and interests - invigorate your own life. Buy some new clothes and look your best.

This isn't the "pick me dance". This is, "you're screwed if you go through with this and you'll be leaving far more behind than you're getting"

If you follow this to the letter, it will work.

THEN it's time to insist on counseling... both individual and MC until you both grow and decide what you really want.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

honcho knows I'm right.

Even a scumbag like Osama Bin Laden will tell you that people will pick the strong horse over the weak horse.

Be the strong horse.

He clearly thinks you're weak and can't live without him.

PROVE HIM WRONG.... and make it stick.

Then see what happens.

You may not want him after this is all done. But, you WILL love you.

And, that's what life is all about.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can’t fix stupid. 

Let him go.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want to fix it. He doesn't. What does that tell you?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What I don’t get is why you’re not involved in this crazy life he has. I also don’t get how others stroke his ego and where you fit in on that. When was the last time you stroked his ego? When was the last time you complimented him for something like his huge work ethic or new restaurant or whatever? You do realize that for most men being admired is one of their highest needs? How was your sex life?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What I don’t get is why you’re not involved in this crazy life he has. I also don’t get how others stroke his ego and where you fit in on that. When was the last time you stroked his ego? When was the last time you complimented him for something like his huge work ethic or new restaurant or whatever? You do realize that for most men being admired is one of their highest needs? How was your sex life?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is good stuff.

I can testify having been a flaming codependent.

I "thought" my sex drive was off the charts, but it was for reassurance.

Now that I love myself, it doesn't really matter how *****y she gets. I won't chase. Ever.

We work together now and I know she admires what I can do.

That goes a long long way.

Imagine this other gal is flattering him with what a great entrepreneur he is... 

Do you think he is?


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I have been his biggest cheerleader throughout our entire marriage. I also worked in the restaurant business early in our marriage, but we agreed that it made more sense for me to get a more steady job that had potential for growth and a better schedule for our children. So, I went back to school and completed my bachelor's of nursing while working full time and raising 2 children. It was his opinion that my steady income would make it easier for him to open a restaurant. He has had many great opportunities with well reputable restaurant groups, but always seems to find a lack of satisfaction with work. The 1.5 years before this new restaurant, he worked for a group and was able to create new concepts, including restaurant layouts, menus, design, etc. This allowed for him to have a Mon-fri work schedule, with holidays off. Our family was finally on a normal schedule, we could spend time together, our kids could have their dad at their school and sporting events. It was really great. But, he still wasn't happy. He felt the need to express himself differently in a more upscale restaurant. I supported him in the decision to pursue other opportunities, even though it meant a pay cut and ridiculous hours. I expressed my concerns about lack of time, but he reassured me that he would still maintain a sense of balance. Well, he has not had a single weekend day off in 6 months, he has been to a single activity for our kids since. He missed birthdays, our anniversary, holidays. At first it seemed to pain him that he was missing out, but then it became normal. I do partially blame myself that I was almost too supportive and didn't demand more of him at home. But I didn't want him to feel guilty or think I didn't support his dream. Believe me, I shout praise from the rooftops about his skill and I have never been shy about how proud I am of his work. 

As for our sex-life.... It was much better before he opened the restaurant. It is hard to have a great sex life when you see each other 12 hours a week. And during that time he is either a zombie or stressed about work. After a while, it is hard not to be resentful when I see how much my kids miss their dad and how much I feel alone in life. When I approached him about it, he said it was all temporary. However, what was even more difficult was when he would choose to go out to eat at a new restaurant with guys from work if he would get off early, rather than come home and spend time with the family. Now, he says that he feels guilty about that because he knows that I was angry about it. Shouldn't he feel guilty because he isn't seeing his family? 

I honestly feel like he works with a bunch of younger people who have zero responsibilities and can do whatever they want whenever they want. He sees younger guys who can go work in New York or Chicago for big name chefs and he feels stuck. He feels like he has to prove something to someone all the time, and the guilt of family doesn't fit in well. I absolutely know that there are things that we need to improve on in our marriage, that is obvious. But it is hard to compete with a restaurant of people who don't understand the demands of a family and just tell him how he is entitled to pursue anything he wants no matter the cost. 

On another note, he has not spoken to the female since I called him out when this all began. At least that is according to him and the phone record. He is continuing to come home every night, but sleeping on the couch. We have had a couple nights where he has come home from work and we have talked about random day events, nothing heavy or intense. Tonight he had a day off and he made dinner, we all ate together. But there is very little interaction. He immediately fell asleep in the recliner after dinner. I am unsure if this is because he is really tired, or because he is trying to avoid me. For now, I am trying to focus on improving myself. I have started running, and eating healthy. I have lost a significant amount of weight since this began 3 weeks ago, not to say that I was that overweight. So I guess I can be happy that I lost that stubborn 15 lbs I have been wanting to lose.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Do you understand the difference between changing attitude and changing your frame of reference?


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

ReturntoZero said:


> Do you understand the difference between changing attitude and changing your frame of reference?


I understand the fact that just because I think I support him, I may not be supporting him the way that he needs. But my frame of reference doesn't matter if he keeps moving the bar. He is now talking about how he isn't even happy with the restaurant and wants to travel around working at restaurants for free to "get the experience" and "build connections". After not having any real time off since October, he has already booked a $300 flight to Washington DC to work for free at a restaurant for 4 days. It is hard to remain supportive of someone who is changing their own needs so frequently. The entire family has bent over backward to make this work because it is what he has wanted, and now he isn't even happy with that. And he is currently planning trips to other cities to do the same thing. As much as I want things to work, it is obvious that he isn't even thinking about our relationship. If he is so over everything and wants a divorce, why isn't he working on moving out or filing for divorce? Instead, he is just going to live on our couch and put in the bare minimum.


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