# Help? Looking for advice and perspective...



## thorninme (Mar 4, 2011)

I'm posting this here because there are too many issues surrounding this to pick one of the focused forums. The issue is also extremely complex - but I figured I'd post SOMETHING and see where it goes.

First - Hi! I'm new here. I'm at a loss as to what to do so I turned to Google for help and found you all. I hope I get... something... from this... and maybe can help someone else.

My background: I'm 36, father of a 6 year old, and previously divorced. Met my wife shortly after I separated from my ex. The divorce was pretty much mutual, we should have never been together in the first place. It's relatively civil, but there are some issues. My wife and I will be married 1 year on 3/12 - and will have known each other for 3. (We got married on the anniverssary of the day we met - 2 years later).

My wife: Also 36, mother of a 7 year old. She went through a horrendous divorce. Her husband left her for another woman 2 months after their son was born, after 5 years of trying to get pregnant. This other woman fueled problems, tortured my wife, and cost her $60,000 in legal fees in the divorce. Everything she got from the home, etc all went to her lawyer. So, she has some baggage (dont we all?!)

My current issue is I dont know how to handle whats going on now. It's way too complicated to get it all in now, as I sit here, alone, tired, needing sleep, but afraid to go up to bed.

My wife is SEVERELY depressed. She's been unemployed for over a year because she cannot find the energy or faith in herself to write a cover letter (She is, in her words, so worthless in all regards, how can she write a cover letter to boast about herself when she's so... worthless). She has severe anxiety issues. She claims she hates my son. And some reasons she has are valid - my son has some issues. We believe he has ADHD. She's extremely protective of her son, and my son does things for attention, and shes afraid my son is a bad influence or is hurting hers. Some of her reasons are utterly irrational. Some are not.

She says shes no longer in love with me.

She wants to leave. But she's "trapped" because she has no job.

We have stretches where everything is good - shes affectionate, she seems... stable.

Then something happens, and it all shatters, and it's hell. She explains away all the good thats happened as just her coping. "What, do you want me to be a ***** and have everyone be miserable? No. I'm stuck here, we need to survive, so I force myself to smile, I force myself to touch you."

Its this amazing power she has to be one way sometimes, and the complete opposite other times, and when called on it, there's this explanation for it that if I say I dont believe that, she says "well, I cant make you believe it, but its true".

I dont know WHAT to believe.

Recently shes told me she wants $1500 and for me to pay the car and she wants to just "go". "The cheapest divorce ever and you're off scott free" she said.

I'm considering calling her bluff... and if its not a bluff - see what happens. I'm not sure.

I wish I could put it ALL here - theres so much missing, so much more to say. Maybe it'd be better to see some responses and I can answer questions from there.

I dont know.

I do know that I love her. I near worship her. But the stress of life, and this unstability HAS gotten to me. I retreat into my computer more than I should. She's told me so many times that she is not interested in me sexually, that I've stopped propositioning her - for fear of pushing her further away. She then tells me I've made her feel like an unwanted troll - I never want sex anymore.

WHAT?! I love her, I find her beautiful, I WANT her... but I'm so terrified to show it because she... again - I'm trying to say too much at once. Better one issue at a time.

Should I hold on, or let her go? This marriage breaking apart will destroy our kids. I know she doesnt care about mine. And as for hers - she says "Hes strong, he'll get over it" - but at the same time, this is a child that saw his father remarry and divorce - and said to her one day "Mommy, please don't marry Mr. <me>"

"Why not, son?"

"Because when people get married, they leave."

The kid is screwed up on marriage. I want to show him what a marriage truly is.

She's so... broken... in her fears and depression that I dont think she cares who she hurts in her desperate quest to be alone. She says shes always been happier alone. But I know thats not 100% true - I know she was happy with me...

So I let her go? Do I give her the $1500 and see what she does with it? I honestly don't think she'll go - or maybe she will, and have time to think, and come back.

I dont want to keep her prisoner. I also don't want to lose her. She's so broken right now, shes not thinking or acting rationally.

Oh, and I said above, when things go bad...

She had an appt with a new psychatrist scheduled for today. 2 days ago they called and rescheduled it for the 24th. Thats what started this bout of bad. She told me she was so looking forward to it, needing it, as a possible new start, a solution... and then she was kicked in the chest and knocked over and told to feel like **** for another 3 weeks...

She immediately fell into depression, and the depression, the fighting, the distance, and her running from me has gotten worse by the hour in the last 48 hours.

I emailed her today explaining how I feel - she says she blocked me and I should "desist from harassing her with such drivel".

I dont know what to do.

I dont even know what to ask you all FOR...

Maybe I'm just venting.

Thanks for reading...


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi, just thought it was important someone got here & replied so you know you've been heard
First up, your w sounds mighty depressed & judging from the fact she's got psych appts, I'm guessing she's already being medicated but if not she clearly needs to take advice
I wasn't clear if you work, guess so but for all of you I'd say (and you know this) it's important to try not to let your work suffer because losing your job would just pile more stress on
Most important are the kids, if you w is struggling that's probably down to you to attempt to keep things on an even keel for them
As for the 1500 divorce, car, whatever, I don't know what I'd make of that except that if she's so up & down it can probably be sidelined unless and until you both talk calmly about what she meant
Keep coming back, you'll almost certainly get some good advice from someone here (not counting mine, which is pretty basic!)


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

See if you can find a phone she can call to talk to someone. In a situation where she feels let down and hurt because of a changed Dr'd appt, she can maybe call, talk to an outside party, and help come back down from that. ALso... just saying... I have gotten some mad crazy advice here, as well as being forced to look at myself, added with some simple laughs. Is it possible she can find a forum where she can take out some of the things that are messing you guys up there? There is something to be said for the support you get from the feeling of a mutual experience.

It's good that she is going to therapy! You guys have to talk about being willing to stick that out for a while. She needs to learn how to tell you what she needs, and trust you will be there for those needs. There may be something on your end that to here, is coming out ALL wrong! You may think you are giving her support, but she is getting the opposite, and be unable to tell you. A possibility.

That kind of baggage will mess you up. A bad divorce can cut deep, and cut things you never saw coming. It also sounds like she has hit the downhill hard. AS for the feelings for your son... The best fix/help i can think of is to look into ways to deal with the harder behavior, help her to use them, and look at how the child is reacting to HER. Perhaps is she can see the reaction, she can work to change what she is giving him to react to? (it can't be put on him, he's a child)


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