# Can It Ever Happen Again?



## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

When my 1st ex cheated on me (badly) for 3 years, I got out of the relationship thinking that I could love again and that no matter what, that was just a lesson learned. 

In the ex that I just dumped for wanting to be with his ex after being with me for two years, is different. I dont think I can ever trust like that again. As much as I try, I feel as though EVERY guy is the same (im not trying to insult you guys) but its the way that I feel. 

Urgh this sucks. I feel like every man that I will have, he's gonna want his ex after a period of time....jeesh, im so damaged.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Not every guy is the same.

And yes, you will love again. That's the thing about love... there are 7 billion people on the planet. These were just 2 guys.

In the future, listen to your gut. Nothing in life is promised but if you see any red flags or shady behavior or something acting like you are not a priority to them, drop them, baby! 

You are not damaged. You need to say to yourself: these idiots are damaged if they keep chasing their past ghosts/ex girlfriends. It's not about YOU. It's about them. 

You're worth more. Don't cry. Tell yourself over and over again, you deserve better and that was their issue, not yours.


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## msgarcia000 (Aug 7, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Not every guy is the same.
> 
> And yes, you will love again. That's the thing about love... there are 7 billion people on the planet. These were just 2 guys.
> 
> ...


Oh, you're so kind. Is so hard though to even remotely think about trusting someone again. On these boards I have seen couples who do not see any red flags until after they had more than a decade together and that scares me. Urgh


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## forumman83 (Aug 12, 2012)

msgarcia000 said:


> When my 1st ex cheated on me (badly) for 3 years, I got out of the relationship thinking that I could love again and that no matter what, that was just a lesson learned.
> 
> In the ex that I just dumped for wanting to be with his ex after being with me for two years, is different. I dont think I can ever trust like that again. As much as I try, I feel as though EVERY guy is the same (im not trying to insult you guys) but its the way that I feel.
> 
> Urgh this sucks. I feel like every man that I will have, he's gonna want his ex after a period of time....jeesh, im so damaged.


Go to work on YOURSELF and your self confidence. Instead of fearing that "all men are the same" or if i find a man, he will leave me." BECOME a woman who is so confident and powerful that no man,would dare.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

msgarcia000 said:


> Oh, you're so kind. Is so hard though to even remotely think about trusting someone again. On these boards I have seen couples who do not see any red flags until after they had more than a decade together and that scares me. Urgh


I'm going to ask you a "left brain" question.

Do you think anything changes in a decade or two?

Are you the same person you were back then?


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

To be perfectly honest, of course it can happen. Will it again? Well that all depends of a couple danger signs and flaws in that persons character. 

A lot of relationship counselors agree that these personality types most destined to cheat are immature in their attitudes "I deserve this or that!" and "You're supposed to take care of me like a good spouse". Nevermind that they're adults capable of getting help or working to strengthen the relationship on their own.... to them it's only fun until it gets rough. But even those types had a list of red flags a mile long and no one put up with their crap very long.

The second quality is any serious narcissism. "The I deserve to be treated like a prince/princess/king/queen" or if you're actually dealing with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder. These people you run like hell from and don't mommy. Any time they play the pity card or blame you excessively..... don't make excuses to accept them because you're in love. You don't want to be an emotional punching bag or guidance counselor residing yourself to the role of a parent to a thankless man-child. 

But the single greatest factor I've noticed in all of my relationships (who cheated on me) is that I was trying to relive a bad childhood by choosing partners who reminded me of my mom. Not in a freudian way but because that's what felt comfortable. And all except one were unable to open up about the relationship. You know, a person who confides in others and can't bring themselves to confront you is not someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

That's about it what what I've seen. I could try to find the actually 4 phase of potential cheaters chart, but that's help or explain much. The only thing you need to keep in mind is "take it slow" and "do your homework". Seriously, don't try handle great problems all on your own because you can't fix a relationship anymore than you can move a box by pressing on the walls from the inside. There are tons of resources that can help because love issues are universal. 

I hope I haven't deterred you hon. I'm just trying to preach it like it is.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

And also, are you taking a hard, honest look at yourself and what contributed to you picking these guys or ending up in these situations?

Did you set clear boundaries with your partners?

In your recent case, your husband was at least TALKING to your ex before they decided to leave, why did you allow that? Had you allowed that the whole time? Maybe that's a good starting point for you to think about.

You can never tell 100% who will and who won't cheat, but a guy that doesn't stop talking to an ex is setting himself up for a failure.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

msgarcia000 said:


> Oh, you're so kind. Is so hard though to even remotely think about trusting someone again.


That's cause you're still grieving. It's not an overnight process.

You will meet someone again. You are bound to. 7 billion people on Earth.



COguy said:


> And also, are you taking a hard, honest look at yourself and what contributed to you picking these guys or ending up in these situations?
> 
> Did you set clear boundaries with your partners?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

CoGuy is right. Look inward to your contributions. Definitely check your boundaries. Maybe you are too passive or maybe you give in too much? Maybe not? Just saying. We are each responsible for the half of the fvckery that we contribute to in a marriage/relationship.

Most people would NOT be ok with their partner/spouse maintaining such close contact with an ex. You can't control someone and allow/disallow who they are friendly w/ but it's clear your dude did not have good boundaries--or at least, at minimum, boundaries that don't align with yours.

In the future, find someone who has the same priorities/beliefs as you do with boundaries/exes and also make sure you are with someone who respects you and your boundaries.

Btw this thread is serving for a lesson for me... cause I was seeing a guy who ha a very close relationship with his ex and it rubs me the wrong way. So... this is a learning point for me. That I am not ok with it and it does not align with my boundaries/priorities. 

We can all learn from each other


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Nsweet said:


> To be perfectly honest, of course it can happen. Will it again? Well that all depends of a couple danger signs and flaws in that persons character.
> 
> A lot of relationship counselors agree that these personality types most destined to cheat are immature in their attitudes "I deserve this or that!" and "You're supposed to take care of me like a good spouse". Nevermind that they're adults capable of getting help or working to strengthen the relationship on their own.... to them it's only fun until it gets rough. But even those types had a list of red flags a mile long and no one put up with their crap very long.
> 
> The second quality is any serious narcissism. "The I deserve to be treated like a prince/princess/king/queen" or if you're actually dealing with a person who has narcissistic personality disorder. These people you run like hell from and don't mommy. Any time they play the pity card or blame you excessively..... don't make excuses to accept them because you're in love. You don't want to be an emotional punching bag or guidance counselor residing yourself to the role of a parent to a thankless man-child.


You have described some characteristics of my x wife. I had a walk-away-wife. I always though she was the greatest person, but looking back, she had a lot of what you described.

I think she was immature and looked at me as her source of happiness. I believe she thought if I truly loved her, i would have treated her like a princess. I guess i always gave her too much credit being that she was an adult. She thought it was fun until it got rough.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> And also, are you taking a hard, honest look at yourself and what contributed to you picking these guys or ending up in these situations?
> 
> Did you set clear boundaries with your partners?
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

msgarcia000 said:


> When my 1st ex cheated on me (badly) for 3 years, I got out of the relationship thinking that I could love again and that no matter what, that was just a lesson learned.
> 
> In the ex that I just dumped for wanting to be with his ex after being with me for two years, is different. I dont think I can ever trust like that again. As much as I try, I feel as though EVERY guy is the same (im not trying to insult you guys) but its the way that I feel.
> 
> Urgh this sucks. I feel like every man that I will have, he's gonna want his ex after a period of time....jeesh, im so damaged.


Look at at like this you found out early on those two are losers. They never got over the past. You just work on yourself now. You can do better than those two nuts.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

msgarcia000 said:


> When my 1st ex cheated on me (badly) for 3 years, I got out of the relationship thinking that I could love again and that no matter what, that was just a lesson learned.
> 
> In the ex that I just dumped for wanting to be with his ex after being with me for two years, is different. I dont think I can ever trust like that again. As much as I try, I feel as though EVERY guy is the same (im not trying to insult you guys) but its the way that I feel.
> 
> Urgh this sucks. I feel like every man that I will have, he's gonna want his ex after a period of time....jeesh, im so damaged.


I am feeling the EXACT same way. My now-ex refused to draw any boundaries with his ex wife, or to cut her out of her life, despite my repeated begging and pleading and clear distress over it. He is with her now. And she already cheated on him again after less than a month, yet he is staying with her. Sad thing is that I was hoping when it happened that he would give us another chance, but instead is staying with her. Talk about a self esteem killer, he would rather stay with a cheater than give us another try!  I dont feel like I am ever going to recover from this, even though I have been through divorce...this one is different. I ended my other two marriages. This one I was so hoping for forever, and was so in love. I feel like I have been damaged beyond repair. 

SO, while I know it is possible for love to happen again, I am having an impossible time believing it myself, and wondering if I ever WANT it to happen again! While I dont enjoy the pain of others, it is comforting to know that someone understands and can relate.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

COguy said:


> You can never tell 100% who will and who won't cheat, but a guy that doesn't stop talking to an ex is setting himself up for a failure.


Oh so true...


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