# MyselfAgain...literally



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Got a call from stbxh's parents, who live in another country. I didn't answer for a few days thinking that there is nothing I can do for them nor them for me...but they didn't let up, so today I answered.

Turns out they haven't heard from their son in a month or so...maybe two. As far as we know he isnt working, he doewnt have a var or cell phone, and he is living with a female "friend" who he said is lesbian but I think bisexual. At the very least she is his new bff, and best...you know the drill.

I have spent the last four months working to grieve, lose weight, concentrate on my family and work, etc. I still need to make some single friends, I am struggling with that as I just haven't had the time or energy to get out of my usual environment lately...I work a lot and then have family demands, nevermind the hours I spend on the phone most days trying to deal with the mountain of bills and debt my stbxh literally walked away from. See unlike most of your exes, mine is from another country and couldnt care less about his credit here. So if he doesn't pay bills, I am the only one whose financial life is ruined.

Anyway, I'm slowly digging out of the paper mountain. Slowly throwing away things that trigger me, and making my space mine again. Slowly learning to take care of my boundaries and feelings, to reach out when i need help, and to trust people who are trustworthy.

Four months. Kinda hoped I would be ready to date again by now. I know now that it takes as long as it takes. But I sure do miss companionship. Just not ready to risk my heart yet. I tried to put it out there recently and it got a little squashed...I have more work to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

If you want to take your mind off of it.. go to *******.com and answer the 1000 plus questions they have for matching people. I'm not looking for a date but the questions were sure interesting and at 5 hours in I still haven't answered all the questions.

BEWARE: some get personal but most just cracked me up or made me think.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*hugs* I'm proud of you my dear.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> If you want to take your mind off of it.. go to *******.com and answer the 1000 plus questions they have for matching people. I'm not looking for a date but the questions were sure interesting and at 5 hours in I still haven't answered all the questions.
> 
> BEWARE: some get personal but most just cracked me up or made me think.


Do you think that's a safe site?


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## sadwithouthim (Dec 8, 2011)

You don't need a man right now! You just as I and most on here need to heal and find our own happiness first or new relationships will never work. Its just another recipe for disaster. I know its hard to find friends, i have that trouble too but do try to find same sex friends. Keep up the good work. I always look up to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Sadwithouthim, you are so sweet! I agree that I'm not ready to date, and actually I was feeling fine with being single until another one of my male friends, who I had been getting closer with, took a step back because our flirting might be awkward when he starts dating in the next few weeks. I guess I was just enjoying learning how to flirt and relate to a man again...and maybe I became a bit attached. The last thing I need while I'm trying to heal! It's hard though, when I am meeting so many guys who are sweet and so unlike my ex (ie, mature!), its no wonder I am developing felings for one of them.

Sadwith, looking at the guys on dating sites feel so...impersonal to me. I'm sure I will do online dating when I'm ready, but man do I hate it!

Sam, thank you...I appreciate your constant support. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I hate it too... I did it to pass some time. I'm nowhere ready to date either.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I didn't think you were! Fortunately I have plenty to do to pass time...just not always able to keep my mind in mu work, etc. Nighttime is hard though...I live alone and even the sound of the tv in FB background doesn't help much anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Myself,

You will be alright. You just need some more time. Hugs!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Myself - It's great that at least you were able to develop some interest in men. It means you are starting to recover.  I felt like even the word dating is hauting me, let alone marraige.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Script, thanks baby 

Muriel, great point! Thanks for pointing out that the glass is half full. You will feel better and better as the weeks go on...don't worry. We will help clear the cobwebs. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Stuck in bed, sick. Miss having someone to bring me tea and tissues. Can't sleep at night, so irritable. It's summer, this isn't what I want to be doing!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Myself - I hope you are not still sleeping in the same bed that you guys slept together before. That was the first thing I had to do. Sleep in the second bedroom. It helped me a ton. Still in the same house, so the memories are there. I don't think being alone is a good thing. Try having a roommate or something. Either way, we are here for you.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I have been on the couch since my wife left.. can't sleep in the matrimonial bed...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Honestly, I would love to have the bed we had. It was a king and was very comfortable...beats the hell out of the futon I have been sleeping on. And would be better if I was sleeping in it alone than she and the other guy


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

I still sleep in the same bed, even sprawl out onto her side
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Honestly, I would love to have the bed we had. It was a king and was very comfortable...beats the hell out of the futon I have been sleeping on. And would be better if I was sleeping in it alone than she and the other guy


Ouch! That sucks, Sam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I still sleep in the bed I shared with him. I still have a hare time even sleeping in the middle...as if his side has germs I don't want to touch. I sometimes wonder if it will be difficult the first time someone new sleeps there. Will it be sad and possibly ruin the mood? Will I ever be able to stop picturing him lying there, cuddling with me as he did each night? Will I ever stop wanting him to be there, despite the pain he has caused me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I still sleep in the bed I shared with him. I still have a hare time even sleeping in the middle...as if his side has germs I don't want to touch. I sometimes wonder if it will be difficult the first time someone new sleeps there. Will it be sad and possibly ruin the mood? Will I ever be able to stop picturing him lying there, cuddling with me as he did each night? Will I ever stop wanting him to be there, despite the pain he has caused me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

My bed still smells like her and just cant bring myself to wash the sheets.

I stay on the couch.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

I put one of his pillows against my back so it feels like he's there. Someday I'll stop being pathetic.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I can't even do it.... except for one afternoon when I really needed a nap. I climbed into our bed.. and woke up face down on her side. I closed my eyes and it almost felt like she was there. I didn't want to get up after that. I just hugged my pillow a little tighter.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Awww sad...I know the feeling. Once the smell is gone, it gets easier...I don't really remember it anymore. Thank goodness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

the smell... sigh


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Awww sad...I know the feeling. Once the smell is gone, it gets easier...I don't really remember it anymore. Thank goodness.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have the fortune of smelling her almost every day. Such is the price I pay for seeing my kids.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I guess it has become sort of like a skunk...you smell it long enough, and the impact goes away...


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

The last few days have been tough. I've been sick for the first time since my ex left. More things to miss...when I was sick he took care of me for a change. I know someday someone else will too, so I'm not dwelling...just feeling it all.

I got close to someone new (emotionally, not physically) and it threw me for a loop this week. Didn't go looking, just happened. I have a ton of respect for this person, and now that he is beginning to date I know I need to take a step back so that he can move on and I won't get hurt. Problem is, I am seeing an old forgotten pattern emerging: once I have romantic feelings about someone (which doesn't happen all that often for me) I have a reeeeeally hard time letting go.

Goes back to childhood, of course...memories include crying whenever my parents would go on a trip and leave us at home with the babysitter. Just for a while after they left. My father says that I used to cry when he dropped me off at preschool, in the beginning, when I was 3. To this day I get teary eyed leaving people. My mother passed away 20 years ago, which didn't help me any as it just amped up my fear of abandonment.

Regardless of why, there it is. I have a major fear of abandonment. Funny enough, I didn't fall apart at all when my ex left. I mean I've been very sad and whatnot, obviously, but I have functioned well considering...didn't even take a day off work at the time, just kinda had a downer attitude for a while. That has passed.

Anyway, I guess my question today is: how do I get used to being close to new guys as they come and go in my life?

This seems to be only a guy issue, something that bothers me when I date someone for a matter of weeks or months and then have to let them go. I am not ready to date for real yet, but I am getting there, and I want to develop a healthier mindset first. How do I learn to let go when I have _feelings?_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You need to set yourself emotional boundaries my dear. It's not also just you, some guys will be a lot more forward than others and that's just who they are.

Need to not get caught up and watch the attachments.

Plus, drink Baileys!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I hear what you're saying Up...just don't know HOW to not get attached when I get close to someone. If I got that, I wouldn't be having this problem!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Well we talk a lot and share a lot to each other. 

You seem to be doing just fine.

Whys that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Let me rephrase.

I get attached in situations where some kind of intimacy is involved. Romantic, sexual, etc. Not with every guy I get close to.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Sex to me is very intimate. Since I've been married I don't think I could do the casual sex thing. 

Sex is that one bonding activity you can't get any closer to a person.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Let me rephrase.
> 
> I get attached in situations where some kind of intimacy is involved. Romantic, sexual, etc. Not with every guy I get close to.


That's where boundaries come in.

I have mine up for this sort of thing. I enjoy talking with you, value your opinion and could blab with you for hours if we had the time.

But, I just couldn't take it any further than that.

And, it has absolutely nothing to do with you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I wish I had an answer for you, or even a coping strategy. We haven't really had any issues either, though we have shared a lot. I have a lot of respect for you and your strength of character. I find you to be a very attractive woman emotionally, intellectually and physically, but I wouldn't...oh who am I kidding, I'd totally hit on you


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Lol well ya, it's a different story in the flesh lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> I wish I had an answer for you, or even a coping strategy. We haven't really had any issues either, though we have shared a lot. I have a lot of respect for you and your strength of character. I find you to be a very attractive woman emotionally, intellectually and physically, but I wouldn't...oh who am I kidding, I'd totally hit on you





UpnOver said:


> Lol well ya, it's a different story in the flesh lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LOL! Thank you both for being honest. I was beginning to wonder about you!


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Sam, you are such a sweetheart! Thanks for the uplift, I needed that today.

Up, you have helped me through so many dark times. Don't ever change.

I like to think that in person I'd have to fight you two off with a stick....

But in all seriousness, I think I was getting too emotionally attached and have refocused my thoughts elsewhere. Going to use the opportunity with this guy to set some boundaries to protect my heart. I think that the physical distance definitely makes things seem better than they would be in person, and I think that I just chose not to see that because I was swept away by this person's amazing character.... Guess this is/was my emotional rebound relationship. Don't think I could handle a physical rebound. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Sam, you are such a sweetheart! Thanks for the uplift, I needed that today.
> 
> Up, you have helped me through so many dark times. Don't ever change.
> 
> ...


If you'd be happy with peeling Sam off the ground once I'm done with em!

Hahaha. Just kiddin Sam. Nothin but love.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Sam, you are such a sweetheart! Thanks for the uplift, I needed that today.
> 
> Up, you have helped me through so many dark times. Don't ever change.
> 
> ...


Up maybe, but you wouldn't _want_ to fight me off


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Oooooh well played!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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