# I feel like my husband uses me!



## adp79

I'm at a total loss of what to do and would really like some suggestions. Here's my situation - my husband and I got married in November. When we got married he was working full time. Coincidentally, the first week he moved in with me and we got married, he ran out of work. I work full time and I have two kids from a previous relationship. Anyway, when we got married I lost help for my day care because it was for single women so I now have to pay 5 times as much for a babysitter than before I was married. So here's my husband at home, sleeping till 1 or 2 in the middle of the day, then getting up and playing football on Playstation while I'm paying someone to watch my 4 year old daughter cause he refuses to get up early. Then I get home from work, do all the laundry, all the cleaning, alll the cooking, bath kids, etc,. while he's still playing football. Then he takes my car (he doesn't have one) to run around all evening to visit friends and family running all the gas out of my car. Not only that, he smokes two packs of cigs a day that I have to buy! Then I let him use my ATM card for some money and he took out double what I told him he could and overdrew my account. I started getting really aggravated with him so he went back to working 2-3 days a week for about 5-6 hours a day. Just enough to give HIM a few dollars for cigs, and his damn pills he's addicted to. If he's going to the store in my car and I ask him to pick me up something he makes me give him the money for it first even though I have totally supported him all this time. Now he wants me to pay $200 and half of the expenses so he can go to a NASCAR race with his friends. Not once has he gave me a penny for bills, food, etc., or volunteered to help me with babysitting. To top it all off - I'm 4 months pregnant and I'm worried to death about how I can afford to be off work for 6 weeks and pay for an additional babysitter so I can go back to work. I try to talk to him but he acts like he doesn't even hear me and just walks away or never wants to talk about it. He never shows me any appreciation for what I do, never a thank you or a hug or anything. I'm lonely and miserable and only been married for a little over 3 1/2 months. And people, I am not one of those girls that makes a lot of money. I am supporting 4 people on less than $10 an hour. So any suggestions?


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## MrsVain

get rid of him and go back to being single. the state will at least help you out. he doesnt seem to want to.


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## marina72

I don't usually just say leave, but mrsvain is right... this guy is not married to you, from the sounds of it. He's using you, just like you said.... I wouldn't stick around for that kind of mal treatment. You've only been married a couple months, and he's already this low? You either have a ton of work to do, and need to talk to a counselor or priest, or you need to leave and get on with your life... this man is not a Man, real men don't do that kind of thing.


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## MsStacy

:iagree: with both the posts above. There is NO WAY I would stick around for this type of treatment. You need to really reevaluate your marriage. If it's this bad after only a few months, what do you expect will happen after a few years....ten years...? And more children? Doesn't look promising does it?


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## adp79

I know deep down that's the thing to do but I think I'm in denial. I'm 29 years old and he's 32 and this is the first marriage for both of us. I always swore I would never get married unless I thought it was forever because I never wanted to go through a divorce and I guess I don't want to admit I really screwed up. The sad thing is that I was so in love with him before. We couldn't wait to see each other in the evenings after work and he was always so nice and understanding of everything. He never tried to change who I was and just acted like he loved me for me. He's the one that wanted a baby so we talked about it and I went off the pill. Now here I am STUCK! I think my problem is that all of my exes were either abusive or tried to make me change into another person and he doesn't. My family moved away last summer and I'm scared to death to have this baby on my own but I know I can't afford to keep him. He's actually working a full week this week and he's already talking about what all he's going to buy on Friday even though he owes me hundreds of dollars and has never given me a cent for bills. He even asked me for $60.00 to buy me a Valentine's Day present and all he got me was a card and a single rose (which was last minute - he used my car on V-Day to go get it). If he just showed me a little appreciation for what I do I don't think I'd mind so much but a get NOTHING!


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## marina72

Never beat yourself up, for making a mistake. This kind of stuff happens to Everyone. We all do things we wished we hadn't. so if that part of it is stopping you from sticking up for yourself, dont' let it, dont' feel badly that you might have done the wrong thing for yourself. You deserve a lot better than this man will give you. If he's already treating you so badly in the first few months, chances are , he'll continue it, and it will only get worse. But, if you truly don't want to leave, and love him enough to put up with it, then you'll have to talk to him, let him know his behavior is not going to be tolerated, and then ask him to seek some counseling with you. I hope you can get it worked out. I know you are probably really scared , especially since you're pregnant. You are strong enough, we all are... you've only to find that strength. Do what you feel in your heart, is the right thing for you and your kids.


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## adp79

Thanks for the advice. The thing is - my hubby is not a talker. I'll try to start talking to him and he just acts like I've never said anything or he just comes up with some excuse to defend himself. He's the type that would just pack up his bags and leave rather than face a confrontation. He hates to argue or talk at length so it makes it impossible to tell him how I'm feeling. He thinks I'm just hormonal cause I'm pregnant. Just like when he overdrew my account - he didn't think I'd find out. He didn't know I check my account every few days and then when I called and asked him about it he lied. I even believed him enough to call the bank and flip out on them. Then the next day he admitted it but not until after packing his bags and getting ready to leave cause he was mad that I was mad over it. But he caaused enough overdraft fees that it made me work all week to have $5 to my name. He's very selfish.


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## adp79

Well - I guess I donn't have to worry about him using me anymore because now he' s leaving me. I wrote him a letter to try to make him undestand that I need to start getting some help from him and he told me that he hasn't been happy for a while now and after reading my letter he made up his mind to leave. He is moving in with his aunt and uncle (someone else who lets him freeload). He says he needs to be alone to have time to figure out what HE wants. F**K me and my feelings. So now I'm married to the dumbass, pregnant with his baby, and completely alone. I seriously think I'm having a nervous breakdown. He said I won't be alone after I have the baby - he'll TRY to get it once in a while after it gets older. LOL! He said he hadn't been happy for a while now but of course he never tells me any of this until after I spend all of my tax return on everything he wanted. I think I'm going to go through everything I bought him and give it to my brother (or else have a bonfire). I'm feeling VERY alone right now. When I asked him why he asked me to marry him he told me I should've said no. That's the only thing he said that actually made any sense.


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## marina72

I'm so sorry. I know this hurts you. But really, it wasn't a surprise was it? I mean, consider your post above, and remember the horrendous way you said he'd been treating you. It was obvious he was not in it for you, and to provide as a husband should. He was using you, is what it sounds like to me. I am so sorry that you're pregnant and alone. but, you can make a life for yourself, and your kids. It won't do any good to try to get a man like this one back. I am going to be totally honest with you.... from what you've told us, how he treats you... he sounds like a total jerk... not worth his salt... so , even though it hurts right now... I have a strong feeling you'll be Much better off in the long run. Keep everyone posted. And remember that everything happens for a reason.... When God closes one door, he opens another one.


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## revitalizedhusband

Steps I would take.

1. Sell some of the stuff YOU bought FOR him to get some money.
2. Use that money for a decent divorce lawyer.
3. Get a divorce.

He will be forced to get a job and pay child support for the baby you are pregnant with, that will help out some. Will it be enough to fix your finances? Of course not, but it will help.

He was not ready to be married, he still wanted to be a boy, not a man.

A lot of us like to play video games, I do, but there HAS to be a healthy limit to how much you play them. He appears to be well past that healthy limit.

He really might have a gaming "addiction" and the playstation or xbox might need to be one of the first things to "go".


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## adp79

Thanks for the advice guys. I know your right but I'm so crushed right now. My best friend talked to him and she told him it wasn't right for him to do this to me and he told her it wasn't about me. I don't understand what I did wrong - I treated him like a king and he just s**t on me. Hell - he's the one that wanted a baby. And as soon as I ask for a little bit of help he wants to leave. Before I said yes when he asked me to marry him the first thing I asked him was if he was going to help me out with the bills and he said of course he would. What's really messed up about this whole thing is all when all of my other long-term relationships started to go bad - I dreamed of the day I could be on my own and get rid of them, but for some reason I actually wanted this one to work out and tried everything to make it work. I feel like the biggest idiot that ever walked.


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## revitalizedhusband

Well, now let the court force him to help with the bills in the form of child support.


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## marina72

you're not an idiot. He took advantage of your love, trust, and admiration for him. He hasn't even come close to being what a husband, spouse, partner, lover, real man is supposed to be. Don't ever feel stupid for believing in him. That is on him, not you.


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## McGraw

We all make mistakes!! What we do is we "settle". Settle for the guy who seems normal, makes promises, etc. But deep down we know they arent right for us. Dont feel so bad, this may be God's way of telling you that theres so much more to life out there! And God has a plan for your baby...It may seem like life is ending, but it doesnt have to be that way, dear. Get yourself to counseling for you and for the sake of your baby. Ask your ob doc about finding help that has little or no cost and get on your way to living a healthy, happy life! Stay strong! You do NOT need him! Good Luck to you.


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## Peridot

adp79: Check WV's laws on marriage (I wasn't married in WV, so I don't know what the law says).

You said you've only been married a few months, maybe you can save yourself a lot of money and get an annulment. 

This might not be an option, of course... but perhaps you could put the baby up for adoption? You could give the baby a good life by doing that and you would have that knucklehead out of your life completely. Forget child support. If he's a deadbeat now, he'll be a deadbeat then (even if you have the state law behind you).


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## TheLuckiest08

Yeah, it sounds like he's using you.

Also, how could you let yourself get pregnant with this guy??:scratchhead:


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## adp79

I was in love and stupid - just trying to give him everything he wanted. Believe me - I regret it now but its a little too late for regrets. He won't even answer the phone or return my texts or anything. It's like I don't even exist. I even had to get one of my old flings (my husband works for him now) to come do some stuff around the house for me (and my husband knows about it) and he still wouldn't come help me with anything. Now I'm getting ready to move and I have it all to do on my own. I told him I would give him 30 days and then I was filing for divorce and taking my maiden name back and giving my name to the baby and he just shrugged his shoulders and said I had to do what I had to do. He has no feelings whatsoever. As far as paying child support - he works under the table and has no reportable income. I live in a small town and the family court judge here (I work for a lawyer so I know a lot about this) is all for the men. He never gives the women a break. When I went to court with my ex for my daughter the judge only awarded me $400 a month child support and he makes almost a quarter mil a year. So I already know that he won't have to pay anything, andof he does, he'll just move out of state where nobody can find him (he's been known to do this). So to put it bluntly - yes i'm an idiot for marrying and getting pregnant by this man. I'm a :loser


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## marina72

no you're not an idiot. You were bamboozled, and he used you. You entered into it in good faith, he screwed you over. Don't beat yourself up, and do the best you can for your kids and unborn baby. Don't give up!


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## revitalizedhusband

adp79 said:


> As far as paying child support - he works under the table and has no reportable income. I live in a small town and the family court judge here (I work for a lawyer so I know a lot about this) is all for the men. He never gives the women a break. When I went to court with my ex for my daughter the judge only awarded me $400 a month child support and he makes almost a quarter mil a year. So I already know that he won't have to pay anything, andof he does, he'll just move out of state where nobody can find him (he's been known to do this). So to put it bluntly - yes i'm an idiot for marrying and getting pregnant by this man. I'm a :loser


I find that odd/hard to believe since each state has a pretty set of guidelines when it comes to what percentage of the father's income goes to child support.

If a judge was caught with only awarding $400/mo on a guy who makes $250k/yr he'd get in trouble real quick. Also, what kind of horrible attorney did you have that didn't appeal that decision?

If this is his only kid he pays child support on, it should be in the neighborhood of 15-18% of his gross income, you are saying that he got away with only paying about 2% which is something that any decent lawyer would have appealed immediately.


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## marina72

Believe it or not, things like that happen in small town court systems, it's called "Home Cookin".... you catch my drift. Most likely, this judge was either friends with this girls ex, or friends with his lawyers. If you think things don't work this way in the US legal system, you're wrong. I have first hand experience, which I won't go into, you'd be Absolutely SHOCKED! At the stuff that goes on, and the total, and unadulterated crooked stuff these lawyers and judges do.... 

This is status quo for a small town court and judge...


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## adp79

My ex is a contractor and did free work for the judge. He doesn't even pay his attorney anything - he just takes things out in "trade" - he's building his attorney's house right now. I was also told my ex was seen having lunch with the judge. (he told me all along I would regret it if I took him to court) The judge said my ex was allowed to write off everything (he's self-employed) but $35,000. I tried to explain to the judge that he just went and paid $28,000 cash for a brand new Harley and was building a mansion on 100 + acres and that he was lying about all of write offs and he wouldn't hear anything I had to say. I'm broke so my attorney was the Child Support Enforcement Attorney - he asked the judge if he could keep the case on the docket to subpoena his bank account records and the judge said no and that there was no reason to keep this case going. Before we went to court my ex was giving me $100 a week and the judge said since that seemed to be working for us he was keeping it the same amount. Now he's 3 months behind and they said since he seems to be pretty regular on his payments and making an effort there was nothing they could do about it. I can't even get any help from the state with anything (and I make less than $10 an hour) because they say after child support I make too much money. My ex also told me that if I try to take him back to court I'll get even less cause he'll make sure to write off even more of his income (the judge said I needed written proof that he lied on his tax returns) and he gets to write off every bill (electric, phone, etc.). Not only that, the guy that he was doing most of his work for before died in a plane crash (he got 1099's for that work) and now he mostly works for independent people and doesn't claim half of what he makes. Like I said - I'm a legal secretary and I know how the system in this town works - it's all about who you know.


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## adp79

Forgot to add something. My ex also has a son that's 19 whose mother died when he was 3. His mother's parents raised him and he was never forced to pay a cent for him. He got the child support letters every month in the mail and he would just throw them away and nothing was ever done to him. I also had an ex-boyfriend that was $35,000 in arrears and nothing was ever done to him. But then I have a friend that was $5,000 in arrears and had to do a good bit of jail time and got his license suspended (he wasn't very well liked in the court system). Heck my ex that owes child support got pulled over for a DUI and another cop showed up that he did free work for and had the cop that pulled him over let him go (not even as much as a warning). This town is something else.


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## marina72

yep, I kinda figured that was the case! no pun intended... I'm sorry you had to go through that. have you thought of anything you can do, complained to the JIC in your state? You can report a judge that was behaving unethically, and they ALL do...


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## ds10

the only thing i cant blame him for is playing MADDEN'09 hopefully on the ps3,that he bought himself.its very addicting.other than that he's gotta go!!


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## adp79

No it's the Playstation 2 and it's some kinda '08 college football game - he actually brags to everyone about the trophies he wins - its his biggest accomplishment in life. I'm starting to hate him more and more everyday - I don't even feel sad anymore just pissed off. Just found out he might be getting kicked out of where he's staying at (when I told his friend's wife what really happened - she didn't like it very well). He was supposed to move in with his aunt and uncle but they told him no. I hope he wants to come back since he has no place to stay cause he can kiss my ass!!! I also found out he had to pawn his gun for cigarette money and he's only been gone a week. LOL


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## adp79

That a**hole text me last night and tolf me to never call or text him again till the baby was born. I don't understand why he is acting like I'm the one who did something wrong when all I did was do everything in my power to make him happy. I text him back and said not to worry about me calling him then either until it was time to go to court for child support cause we didn't need him that all this was was another kid for him that he didn't have nothing to do with. Of course he had nothing to say about that. But I'm just completely devastated again. I guess I had the hope that he would have a change of heart and realize what he was losing and want to grow up a little bit but boy was I wrong.


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## Ready To Give Up

Geesh your ex sounds like my daughter's dad. He disappeared out of her life for 5 years until he decided "it was time" to show his ugly face and pretend to be a father again. My daughter was 2yrs old when she last saw him and he decided to set up 3 whole visits with her this year(she's 7yrs old now). That's a whole other topic that I won't get into, I just know what you are going through.

I spent a good portion being very angry towards him for not paying child support or even seeing his own daughter. It still gets to me to this day!! But, you have to think about the kids first as I am sure you have been told many...many times already. There's no reason to even give him the time of day if you already know he's not going to pay child support. Don't txt him, don't call him, don't inform him when the baby is born...nothing! He hasn't DESERVED to be involved in this baby's life. 

I came to the conclusion that there was something wrong psychologically with my ex. Someone who is THAT uncaring, I mean, you gotta wonder about them. Best you just take care of yourself and let him hang himself. Don't think he is getting off easy because believe me, something like this will bite him in the a** one day down the road. Be the bigger person and do the best you can


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## adp79

Yeah I feel like there is something mentally wrong with my ex too. It's like he has no feelings whatsoever. Nothing bothers him. He never talks about his little girls he has in NC. He is just so uncaring. Now he's starting really nasty rumors about me making me look like a complete idiot (he's saying that I am using drugs while I'm pregnant!!). He knows damn well I'm not I guess its just something that makes him look like a better person. He tried to say I was using drugs last Wednesday when I had my dr. appt. on Friday (I go to the dr. in MD so they drug test every visit). Needless to say I just left the couthouse from filing the divorce papers. He's done crossed the line for me. Now I got all these people that don't know me thinking I'm some druggie pregnant girl. I might hate him but I don't hate the baby!! Now I hate even leaving the house wondering what people are looking at me and thinking about me. It is so embarrassing.


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