# Leave him or not?!?!?!



## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

Hello right now I am really confused. I don't know what to do anymore with my relationship. My boyfriend and I have a son together. We have been together for about 3 years now. When we first starting dating he was always jealous and he would always assume some guy would talk to me. He would be very overprotective and it got annoying. Than all of a sudden I got pregnant with my son, and I promised him that I would delete all my social media accounts so that he doesn't have to worry about anything and that I am very serious in our lil family. All of a sudden while I was pregnant he has started with being different. 
1. I would check his phone and he signed up for a chatting profile to meet girls
2. He would flirt with these girls
3.he was talking to one girl and was trying to meet up with her and he told me he was going to get off work late and he told her that he is getting off early
4.he called me one time saying that he was on his way home and it take 45 min to get home and he took 3 hours!!!! I called him various of times and straight to voicemail and once he got home his excuse was that he was with his friends and later that night I saw a text from a girl saying "that's all you wanted? " he denies sexual contact wth her 
5. He would cancel his account and keep activating again and talk to them
He has been doing this to me for the best 2 years and it has been more than 6 times and I always forgive him. He is very sweet and loving and he also is a hard worker and he also takes care of both of us. He hasn't put a hand on me or called me any names but this is something that is happening Constantly and this has happened since 2013 and it's now 2016 and tiday he is still trying to talk too girls. Idk what to do. Plz help someone 

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## Redactus (Nov 22, 2015)

From my experience...people who are the most jealous are the ones doing the cheating. Concentrate on your child and his upbringing. Get whatever support you can legally from the father of your child - consult an attorney. Move on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

He's not ''sweet and loving'' if he is cheating on you.  My vote goes to leaving him. I agree with Redactus.


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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

Redactus said:


> From my experience...people who are the most jealous are the ones doing the cheating. Concentrate on your child and his upbringing. Get whatever support you can legally from the father of your child - consult an attorney. Move on.


Well he doesn't get overprotective with me anymore. I guess after having a baby my body changed and he stills accepts me this way. I guess that is why I am so confused

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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> He's not ''sweet and loving'' if he is cheating on you.  My vote goes to leaving him. I agree with Redactus.


It will be hard. I just don't want my son to be hurt that's all. 

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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You're dealing with a fellow who constantly thinks of himself. He is not treating you right. Sadly, this will get worse. Change is incredibly difficult. But sometimes it can't be avoided if you want to achieve true happiness. Get some kind of education or training and get a good job and make yourself happy.
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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Ahhhhh, OP. Leave this guy. He doesn't have your (our your son's ) best interest at heart. 

And it will be hard! But it's worth it to find someone who cherishes you and treats you right. Your baby deserves to have a happy mom and parents whose world's revolves around him, not around the drama of a bunch of other random women. 

Don't sell yourself on the idea of him being sweet and loving, he's not. And that he hasn't called you names or put a hand on you, so? That's a minimal expectation. You've GOT to know and believe you deserve better, or you will either stay with him or find yourself with a guy just like him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He doesn't respect you or your boy.

I think counselling might be of benefit.

Though getting rid of him is an option you should consider.
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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

What are your ages?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Doesn't sound like he is committed to you or your son and the family life, he wants to be a hound dog. The fact that he has been doing this to you for the last two years should be enough evidence of his true feelings, I would bet a pay check he has had encounters with other women during this time.

I would think if the relationship is to have any chance he needs to be 100% committed to being a family and that includes full transparency in every possible way. Because of his deceitful history anything short of that is a deal breaker, honestly I'm surprised you have let it go on this long.

What's the sense of being in a relationship if you can't trust and depend on your partner? Long term what kind of message will a man like that teach his son? 

And please.....don't get crazy and think if the two of you get married it will fix everything, that never works.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Whose idea was it to forgo birth control? I don't understand making a baby with a man, I mean boy, who you've just started dating and acts very jealous and controlling.

He's cheated on you many many times. Leave him. Your child will be better off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

We are both 22 going to 23

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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

Cooper said:


> Doesn't sound like he is committed to you or your son and the family life, he wants to be a hound dog. The fact that he has been doing this to you for the last two years should be enough evidence of his true feelings, I would bet a pay check he has had encounters with other women during this time.
> 
> I would think if the relationship is to have any chance he needs to be 100% committed to being a family and that includes full transparency in every possible way. Because of his deceitful history anything short of that is a deal breaker, honestly I'm surprised you have let it go on this long.
> 
> ...


I know it won't get far as marriage. I'm tired of always looking after my back. I let it go this long because I thought it was not ok to leave him. But everyone has told me to leave him. It had truly opened my eyes

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

@fpinon2

Do you have close family or friends you could stay with for a couple days?

I have an idea.
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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

You will be hurting your son more by staying in a relationship with a cheater who does not respect you. He will never change, it has been 3 years and he is still doing this.

I advise you to go get tested for STD's immediately, he might end up giving you something that penicillin can't cure.

You and your son would be better off without this man child around, if you are sticking around due to money he will have to pay you child support. You need to respect yourself enough to walk away from this.


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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> @fpinon2
> 
> Do you have close family or friends you could stay with for a couple days?
> 
> ...


Well we both lived in a different city but since the work ran out abd they unemployed him. We came back to my parents house. So we both are here now 

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> Well we both lived in a different city but since the work ran out abd they unemployed him. We came back to my parents house. So we both are here now
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


OK. That would complicate my idea.

I'm definitely in agreement with others but have seen people snapped out of it when they lose their family.

This situation changes that. I think he should probably be told to move.

He is using you and your parents as a safe place to land while disrespecting everyone with his behavior.

He needs to man up but I don't see it happening in this situation.

How long has he been out of work?
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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

Well he found a job over here closer to my parents house so he is working. He hasn't seen anyone in person,he pretty much flirts with girls on the Internet. Is that still considered cheating?

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> Well he found a job over here closer to my parents house so he is working. He hasn't seen anyone in person,he pretty much flirts with girls on the Internet. Is that still considered cheating?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


Yes.

Is there a way you could take your son away to visit someone for a couple days?
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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How do you know he hasn't met up with any of the girls he flirts with? Because he told you?
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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

No 

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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

His job closes at 6:00 pm and he gets home everyday around 6:30pm. And on the weekends he always is home with us 

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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> No
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


Well if you can be firm, tell him you can't trust him if he continues his behavior.

Even though you don't have a document, treat this like a marriage in trouble and require him to read some marriage books with you, I'm assuming MC might be too expensive.

He has to want to change and take measurable steps to show you can trust him or it won't work.

Or, if you have had enough, kick him to the curb.

He is treating his woman and son like crap behaving that way.

I wish you had a big mean brother to rough him up a bit! LOL!

Sorry you are in this situation.
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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You know a lot of guys his age (myself included) in many ways are dumber then rocks. It is not until we get dumped for the first time by our OAO-FTL that we wake up. There are two types of people: those who learn from mistakes and those who don't. A lot of guys will not change until they get third degree burns form playing with fire. In my case there were other issues. I was engaged and she cheated. The loss and cheating changed me for the better. I began to become a much better listener, more attentive, and more aware in future relationships. While every relationship is unique, there are many common factors that cause success or failure of a relationship. While I am sure there are other issues let's start with the flirting. 

Fidelity and trust: In your boyfriends case I suspect the nonsense of flirting is a cheap and destructive form of self validation caused by low self-esteem brought on by his unemployment. Keep in mind its him-not you. Unless he does modify his behavior he will have multiple affairs down the road. Think of it as a binge drinker who is a mean drunk. 

You need to ask him to move out. Do not wait for the next time. Simple say you need to get your head straight what works and what does not work in a relationship. Until you do I don't want you here. Establish guidelines, specific behavior changes needed and the reasons for them.

A rough draft at this time consider some basic rules: no dating or flirting while separated. A firm time period, I suggest six months. Behavior modifications including complete transparency. So for example all call logs, emails and texts saved to a cloud account. His to an account only you have access to. Yours to an account only he has access to. Read http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for additional insight. (sometimes we all don't do something because we might get caught.) 

Demand regular interaction. Times he takes and parents the child sole. For example he picks up the child Sunday morning and how the day is spent with him. Be clear he is on his own and what he has the basic skills needed to care for a child the son's age. Set up multiple blocks of time during the week he must step up. 

To start weekly marriage counseling sessions. LTR and marriage in many ways are the same and require the same skills. 

Use a modified 180 during the separation. Elements to include talking only about the son, finances, scheduling, issues raised during 
Counseling. Here is a post from another site on the 180.

Moderator's note:

Pursuant to a member request, moderation, subject to a decision by our head moderator, has conditionally pinned this topic for member reading and topical posting. As this is an informational thread, not a discussion thread, informational postings, as such already submitted, will be allowed and members are cautioned, when using external links, to make sure they comply with our commercial advertising/external linking guidelines. When citing external content, members are requested to post topical content, not to exceed 250 words, when linking externally to provide attribution.

I'll leave the thread open for posting for now. If I find non-compliant content to proliferate, I'll close it and invite members to submit content to moderation for approval. Thanks.





There continue to be more and more arrivals to our LS section on Divorce and Separation. Often, I find myself technically challenged when it comes to citing links, or just general recall sometimes. As well, I many times repeat my reading advice to posters. As a contributor to this section, I thought it might be useful to us and our newcomers to get all of our reading materials in one place, rather than citing and re-citing.

Perhaps others will join me in posting helpful relevant material and cites -- on this new thread I am trying to begin. Can some please post the most current "No Contact" draft that is available so it will come up in the second post of the thread? 

Theefore, please of our find our most popular reference below: 

THE 180's:

180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it) 

So here's the list: 
Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."

Here are two links Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums and the original concept developer Michelle.Langley-Womens.Infidelity.pdf download - 2shared

I will create addition posts to avoid overly lengthy posts.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> Well we both lived in a different city but since the work ran out abd they unemployed him. We came back to my parents house. So we both are here now
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk



Wait......he's doing all this while living under your parent's roof?? There is NO way I'd be putting up with that! Tell him to move out.


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## fpinon2 (Mar 5, 2016)

Yes said:


> Wait......he's doing all this while living under your parent's roof?? There is NO way I'd be putting up with that! Tell him to move out.


Well he is working right now at a company near us. He has been doing what he has to do as a father it just the flirting thing online is what gets to me. Idk if it's okay for him to do it or what.

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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I suggest you spend time reading @mjgh06 thread. Not because her and your's issues are the same but because I am very impressed the scope and thought process she is using to establish the root problems and clarifying goals. Prep work is prep work. 
Study her approach and how she is building a plan of action. Much of the what and how she is doing. 

Bye the way using the @then-user-name notifies the person they have been mentioned. Use it to let that person know you are discussing there ideas or give credit. 

If you find my thoughts useful please let myself and others help you build an action plan.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> Well he is working right now at a company near us. He has been doing what he has to do as a father it just the flirting thing online is what gets to me. Idk if it's okay for him to do it or what.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


You both live with your parents, correct? He's flirting and trying to meet other woman while living there. How disrespectful.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

fpinon2 said:


> Well he is working right now at a company near us. He has been doing what he has to do as a father it just the flirting thing online is what gets to me. Idk if it's okay for him to do it or what.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


It's not ok.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

fpinon2 said:


> Well he is working right now at a company near us. He has been doing what he has to do as a father it just the flirting thing online is what gets to me. Idk if it's okay for him to do it or what.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk


Oh come on OP, you don't know "if it's OK for him to do that" seriously? Have you no self worth? Have you no common sense? How could it possibly be OK for a man in a relationship with you to be flirting and trying to arrange meetings with other women? If he has you convinced he is just playing around and never intends to actually meet or hasn't already met one of these women you are being played for a fool.

Look we all want to believe the people in our lives would never hurt us, sadly that isn't how things always work out. Sometimes it just takes us some time to admit the truth that we don't want to believe. Has there been one response to your question that was in support of your boyfriends behavior? The reason we see him as a cheating liar is because we have a better perspective, he's not cozying up to us every night saying all the right things and confusing our views, that's what he's doing to you. You have got to realize in your heart and brain his behavior is wrong wrong wrong, you need to admit this to yourself and lock his two timing ass out of your house! (or your parents house)


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## roybialik55 (Mar 5, 2016)

Get rid of him 


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Whether you leave him or not depends on how his behavior emotionally affects you. Most people who cheat, keep on cheating after they are forgiven. You have already given your husband notice that nothing bad will happen if he cheats again so that is why he continues to do so.

If you can live with the knowledge that he is out having sex with other woman and perhaps in love with a few, they stay. If not, kick his butt out. I would never forgive someone who cheated on me and twice have left women who did. However, there are plenty of spouses who decide to look the other way because their spouse is otherwise good to them and the kids. I dated a woman whose husband never questioned her and had a married girlfriend for 25 years with the permission of her husband who rather her be with me than dating random guys every week. 

My wife and I have seen each other have sex with others and it did not bother us one bit. It was just sex without the passion and love we have when we make love. We never got jealous and my wife shared me with my girlfriend and it went very well for us with no problems at all. If you can do what we did, then stay. If it is going to eat you up inside, they leave. You have already told him that it is OK to cheat by forgiving him so many times. In a sense, you cannot blame him too much because you have enabled his cheating.

Think about it and do what you feel comfortable with. I can tell you with almost certainty, that your marriage will not last very long. Sooner or later he is going to find someone he rather live with. I have seen it happen so many times.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

fpinon2 said:


> Well he is working right now at a company near us. He has been doing what he has to do as a father it just the flirting thing online is what gets to me. Idk if it's okay for him to do it or what.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G530T using Tapatalk



You asked the Q "leave him or not", then you suggest he is still a sweet guy. I'm sure there are times when he can be. He may or may not have had a physical affair, but the person you are describing has in a way already left you. So why are you still asking the Q? He answered it already, all but him physically leaving you. Just realize that you need to get the strength to complete what he has already started. It will be hard, but it is necessary at this point to move on for both of you. He does need to physically leave sooner than later. 

Before you complete what he started, I would see a lawyer to ensure he continues to pay child support if he wants to continue that relationship. 


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

I've only read the first few responses... and so I'll give you my opinion, not based on anyone's here.

With him being "jealous" all the time, and switched quickly when you got a baby, and his continued talking to various women about sex (and sounds like he's been having sex regularly - not with YOU)...

He's not even close to thinking about having a REAL relationship with YOU!

I'd say there is NO chance he's going to change... and you are at high risk of STDs. So you need to choose who moves out. Get screen shots / print outs of all evidence. Expose him to everyone why you are leaving him. He's no good to your son if this is who he's going to walk all over you like that.

You're still very young. Work on yourself, there are people out there who DO NOT do this to others.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

This is relatively easy even though you have a baby, because you are living with your parents. 

He is (at least) emotionally cheating on you. Get rid of him.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

fpinon2 said:


> 4.he called me one time saying that he was on his way home and it take 45 min to get home and he took 3 hours!!!! I called him various of times and straight to voicemail and once he got home his excuse was that he was with his friends and later that night I saw a text from a girl saying "that's all you wanted? " he denies sexual contact wth her


Do you really need more proof he cheated? Stop trying to justify his behavior, he is cheating on you.


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## love727 (Mar 5, 2016)

You need to leave. I know it is hard with your son. You want his father in his life, but this can still happen with you two not being together. Having a healthy relationship for your son to witness is more important that staying with his father who is not treating you well. You do not deserve to always be wondering what he is up to and if he is being faithful. Just because you have a child with him does not mean you need to put up with this behavior. I'm not sure of your financial situation - you mentioned he takes care of the two of you. Are you able to get a place on your own or live with a relative until you can get a place of your own? Choose to be happy and be surrounded by healthy relationships not only for you, but also your son.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Spending energy on another woman is considered cheating. It's secretive and often makes the other partner (you) feel less than and betrayed. 

What you are willing to live with is up to you. Typically, emotional cheating/flirting leads to physical cheating.

I would consider getting an education/skill so that you can support yourself. Build yourself up, stay in the relationship if that's where you are led. However, have a plan B.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Get rid of him...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I agree with Lostme, this will end up hurting your son because he will see how his father is treating you. As he grows up he will learn one does not need to be faithful to the one they are with. 

Also believe he will never change, you have aloud him to do this so many times and you keep forgiving. Time to stand up for yourself and son. If you have family or friends you can stay with that would be my suggestion. You need to get away from him. 

Something else, yes a women's body does change after child birth. I loved my wife the more because of those changes and we had our dear little girl. Then two sons. She is as beautiful now as she was the day we were married, Just changed a little in the lines. Child birth or age will never turn ones love away from you.


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