# I'm the cheater, here is my story. Please help.



## Anonymous1 (Dec 22, 2008)

I recently made the worst mistake in my life, I don't know what to do. This is all in complete honesty.

My wife and I have been together for almost 9 years now. We've had a relationship that has been good. We don't tend to fight very often at all and generally we get along well. I have developed a bit of a drinking problem. At first it was an excuse for me to get over the stresses of my high-stress job and I found a drinking buddy a few years ago. I no longer hang out with him but I still drink. On average I would say I drink 2 to 3 average strength beers per evening. I usually don't get too drunk during the week, but it's enough to take the edge off. More of a problem is that I drink more on the weekends, probably about 6-8 average strength beers per night. Usually the drinking isn't a huge issue as I almost never drink hard liquor and my personality doesn't change with this amount of alcohol, however there have been times in the past where I would drink way too much, I've even blacked out a few times and embarrassed my wife and myself. My wife drinks very rarely.

This hasn't happened in awhile (blacking out) but very recently I made a huge mistake that I will never get over.

It was my wifes birthday and we decided to go to her favorite hotel, a very beautiful place. After unpacking we decided to go down to the bar. We met a lady there, we told her it was my wifes birthday and this lady started buying both of us drinks. I started drinking more then average - much more. The lady kept buying us drinks, my wife was being more conservative, but I was drinking hard - I even started drinking hard liquor (Whiskey) and strong beers (8% or more) I was beginning to become quite drunk. My wife and I felt obligated to repay this lady for all the drinks we had purchased so we went to a nearby liquor store and bought her a 12 pack. We bought ourselves some wine and additional beer.

We took the beers back to the ladys room and began to drink even more. This is when I started to really get messed up, I drank at least 3 more high alcohol beers and probably even more then that. So we're at probably 1 large double whiskey, 8+ high strength (8%+) beers and an unknown number of average strength beers. My wife says she was hinting at us to go but I wouldn't budge. My wife says i was rubbing both her and the ladys back, this is all very vague to me. My wife decided to go purchase some cigarettes. During this time this lady started performing oral sex. I do remember feeling very awkward, I didn't stop it like I should of though, I should have stopped it immediately - it did become very weird after a few minutes so I don't remember letting her finish. I immediately felt guilty. My wife tells me that she came back and the lady was trying to rub on my wife and get a threesome started. I don't recall this event. Eventually we left to our room and my wife asked what happened. I confessed that she performed oral sex. My wife said she hit me in the testicles in great anger and I didn't even flinch, I barely recall this. We went to her room and my wife tried to make the lady confess that she gave me oral sex but she wouldn't. We went back into our room and my wife was very upset. I felt so guilty that I threatened suicide - I vaguely recall portions of this event. I threatened to take the alarm clock and throw it in a bathtub with me in it. She was scared so she ripped the alarm clock out of the wall, she says I pushed her down, which I don't recall. She ended up calling the cops because of my suicide threat.

The cops came and took me to the hospital, they did some tests on my and determined that I was very drunk. They did a breathalizer and said it was very high, although I don't quite remember what it was - somewhere near .2 I believe. They had a psychiatrist come in and ask me a bunch of questions. I don't remember all of them but she was asking me if I had suicide attempts in the past (which I have not) and a lot of related questions. Eventually they called my wife and asked if she would take me back, she said yes. The cops took me back to the hotel. 

My wife wants this relationship to work out. In the 9 years I've never done anything like this before and never wanted to. I don't know why I let all of this happen, the lady that performed the oral sex was not attractive at all - I don't remember having any sexual feelings towards her. I know this sounds like a "lets blame the alcohol" story, but I do take responsibility for this. I have caused a great deal of pain with my wife. I only remember the evening in flashes, there are definite gaps that I don't remember. My wife still loves me very much and I love her very much. 

I don't know what to do, I feel so guilty that I can't sleep at night and I'm having problems eating. I haven't drank since and I vowed to stop drinking and even attend AA meetings and other forms of help. My wife wants to go to marriage councelling, which I agreed - I think it's a great idea. However, it's very expensive and hard for us to afford. I just can't get over this guilt, I ruined her birthday, one of our favorite places and most importantly I've tarnished the relationship. I've never done anything like this before. I don't do anything dishonest like this at all, I don't go to strip clubs, don't pretend I'm not married around women or anything like that. I will never let something like this happen again, I can't deal with this guilt - it's so strong it makes me tremble just writing about this. My wife is in so much pain, she is so sad it kills me. I just don't know where to start. We both want this relationship to work out, we still sleep in the same bed, cuddle and try to make it work but both of us are in so much pain. What do I do? I'm already taking steps to quit drinking. This only happened a few days ago, I haven't drank since then and I'm going to join AA. This guilt is just so unbearable, I can't see my wife whom I love very much in this much pain anymore. I have never cheated on anyone in my life and never thought I would - it's just not my character at all. I especially never thought I would cheat on my wife.

Sorry for this extremely long post, I really had to get this off my chest.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds like you both are doing all you can to heal. Its just going to take time. You'll have to suffer. Its part of life. If this regret and pain lead you both to a better life, where you arent drinking anymore, and neither of you are getting yourself in stupid situations, then it will be worth it. Maybe this incident helped you avoid more calamities down the road.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Anonymous1-

Once you've forgiven yourselves and each other, you will feel a lot better. Don't forget your wife went out to buy cigarettes, leaving you with a woman that was already hitting on you - she probably feels stupid/guilty about that.

Plus she could have injured you... So lots of guilt flying around.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I think Mark is right. I am in no way putting this on your wife. But if she was hitting on you. She should have taken you with her. If a couple is out together and one is sozzeled, it is the other obligation to care for them. I have seen the roles reversed where the woman is wasted but her boyfriend or husband is very cognizant of any dogs around to take advantage. You just don't leave them alone. You seem to be doing all the right things. STOP DRINKING...PERIOD! And go to counseling. Just keep reinforcing how sorry you are and how much you love her.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Get yourself to an AA meeting ASAP. You've waited a few days too many. Also, I know money's tight, but your marriage will be worth seeing a counselor ... just don't get stuck there too long because it sounds like you guys had something good going before and therapy's good, but too much of it can make you dig up for stuff that isn't even there.

You guys will be okay. STOP DRINKING. STOP DRINKING. STOP DRINKING. You will absolutely ruin your life if you don't stop 100%.

Get to an AA meeting. And make sure she goes to the meetings for relatives.


----------

