# Infidelity



## thisguy123 (Dec 2, 2017)

I messed around once behind my spouses back, nothing happened more then touching and getting off didn't even kiss. It was a one time slip up and I opened pandoras box full of regret and disgust for myself. Should i take this to my grave or tell my spouse. I feel horrible about it and it makes me sick to my own stomach when I think about it. I can't stand the thought of losing my spouse and it would devastate them.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm for honesty.

Without it, you don't have much of a marriage anyway.

Your spouse deserves informed consent, meaning.... If you bring someone else into intimacy, emotionally or physically, they deserve to know.

People who are not honest about this don't belong in a relationship anyway.

Gives monogamous folks a bad name honestly and swingers do have something to snicker about because they are just as fd up as the rest of us but at least have the appearance of being more open with each other.
I will take an honest wh0re over a lying "virgin" every time.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yep, this is choice..

Between being honest...and breaking apart a broken man [you], FURTHER 
You breaking apart your' marriage.

In the greater context, you are:
Already broken.
Your' marriage is broken, dissolved, vows shredded.

Only the 'she half', she knoweth not.

If this is a 'one' time, only time occurrence, I would keep silent.
This is not, I repeat a moral, the moral answer. No, it is not.
It is a practical answer to an age old problem.
To tell, or to tell not.

In the above, you have my answer.
Not, by any means, the 'Good Housekeeping' awarded answer.

On TAM, Justice is sought, Justice is given due preference...overall.
Over all considerations.

I offer the practical solution.
One, I admit, in full view of my Royal less Peers. 
Would be stingily offered had you been female. 
A female asking for Absolution.

Women have higher standards, given at birth.
The men get the rest of the scraps, the rest of the story. 
For that is theirs and my lower worth.

My Martian roots show.
No dye job, no dying can erase them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I say this with trepidation.
Because women are people, are lovers are friends.

But they create, bear the children that pass through their womb.
And are released to the world, until they come face to face with their tomb.

They need this honor, this duty.
To keep men in line, to keep them from going, well, just fruity.

Fruity as in a cheater.
Fruity as a man who knows not his sex, his gender.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

There was a story a while back about a 99 year old Italian man divorcing his wife of 77 years because he found out she cheated on him in the 1940s. I thought it was one of the saddest stories I have read because at his age he had no chance to move on. For some people a faithful spouse is one of the most important things in life. I'm one of those people myself. I would rather my wife dump me than go behind my back and cheat which is what happened. In my case I was over 50 but at least I had enough time to move on. I think everyone who is betrayed should at least be given a choice. Beyond that you can't guarantee she won't find out anyway. You aren't the only one who knows unless the other women is now dead, although depending on the situation the chance may be small.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t disclose because you will be dumping your regret and disgust on your wife. Your personal regret is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the morality of telling or not telling your wife.

The only thing that matters is you violated your marriage, and by “your” marriage, I mean both of you. You unilaterally took action that changed the nature of the relationship between the two of you. 

It is now unbalanced. You know the true nature of your relationship, and she does not. You live in the light of knowledge while she lives in the darkness of ignorance. It is asymmetrical. Every day you allow this state to continue, you lie to her yet again.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Truth is the only thing we really owe each other.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Don’t let anyone tell you you shouldn’t disclose because you will be dumping your regret and disgust on your wife. Your personal regret is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with the morality of telling or not telling your wife.
> 
> The only thing that matters is you violated your marriage, and by “your” marriage, I mean both of you. You unilaterally took action that changed the nature of the relationship between the two of you.
> 
> It is now unbalanced. You know the true nature of your relationship, and she does not. You live in the light of knowledge while she lives in the darkness of ignorance. It is asymmetrical. Every day you allow this state to continue, you lie to her yet again.


You rode your two wheel logic down the well traveled trail, one that I have prescribed for generations.

Of late, I occasionally ride hard-left, straight off the cliff.

If his sin is a one-off and will never be repeated, then his lips, his voice should follow.
Never repeated.

He hurt her behind her back.
Why should he hurt her in person, in the front of her conscious mind?

Just seems so cruel to her. 
To him? Matters not. He is tainted, is dirt.

I respect your opinion, it used to be mine. Still is, just not always.
SunCMars is gone. Rigidity left, too.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Your spouse deserves to know the person they married. They deserve to have that knowledge to make an informed choice. One way or another at some time this will come out. Your only chance here is to admit it. It’s better it comes from you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

thisguy123 said:


> I messed around once behind my spouses back, nothing happened more then touching and getting off didn't even kiss. It was a one time slip up and I opened pandoras box full of regret and disgust for myself. Should i take this to my grave or tell my spouse. I feel horrible about it and it makes me sick to my own stomach when I think about it. I can't stand the thought of losing my spouse and it would devastate them.


My two cents. It depends on you and your motivation.

You are human and subject to temptation. We are suppose to be better. We are suppose to repent, confess and seek forgiveness and live a good moral life, at least that is what I was taught.

Yes you did wrong. You sound like you have remorse. You sound like you have learned your lesson, but guilt is eating at you. 

I think the advice of some IC to figure out your own motives is a good one. 

Alternately, if Catholic, or in the "old days" you could go to confession (if for the right reasons) and ask the priest to pray for you and help you ask God's forgiveness. If God can forgive you, you can forgive yourself, if you are in a better state of Grace. Then you could better determine what to do.

Let me put that a little different. Do you want to confess to your wife because it is the best way for solving your guilt or best for her to understand how you have betrayed her and can't always be trusted? What are your real motives?

Good luck.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Ynot said:


> Truth is the only thing we really owe each other.


Personally, I disagree - I think we owe each other kindness. I say don't tell. Or not for 77 years.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Laurentium said:


> Personally, I disagree - I think we owe each other kindness. I say don't tell. Or not for 77 years.


To me kindness is an aspect of honesty. Personally, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing what I had done.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ynot said:


> To me kindness is an aspect of honesty. Personally, I couldn't live with the guilt of knowing what I had done.


In my opinion it would depend. 

If the OP knows he was a changed person who was now and evermore trustworthy there would be little point in hurting her and making her think he wasn't trustworthy in the future. Under that circumstance, take it to the grave.

If the OP wasn't sure, then she deserves to know.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I will say... My wife is a pathological liar, diagnosed by several psychiatrists. They say the chances of such a condition being cured are slim to none, as in never been done.

When I got married, one of the main tenants I believed in was truth. I said I could handle just about anything so long as I got the truth.

When I discovered she lied, it was hell. Pure hell. Until she was diagnosed I made her life pure hell. She did not mean to let me know she was lying. She tried to tell me things, I think, but she can't tell the truth. She told me one thing which led to me discovering some lies, which led to me discovering more lies. She keeps sliding sideways, so to speak.

Now, she is under such strict control I don't need to ask her anything to know what is going on. She knows the typical outcome for someone with her condition is very bleak. She is happy to live as she does, with the result we do love each other and stay together. We don't talk much, but she makes up for that with actions.

We lived a very dark two years because of her lies, though.

As was said, you are lying every day you do not tell your spouse. Every day you wait makes it harder. One of the very first questions your wife will ask will be why the hell did you wait to tell her.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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