# Wife had EA now she wants Divorce



## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

We've been together for 9 years and married for half that. I recently found out about my wife having an emotional affair with another man at her work for the last 7 weeks. It also turned into hugging and kissing recently. I found out because she was guarding her cell phone so much. I read online that was a red flag. So I checked the call logs online. I saw hours of conversation to one number and confronted her. I had to lie about what I knew just to get her to admit it.

Myself and the OM girlfriend exposed to everyone and we're sure the Affair is over now. She also worked with my wife and her boyfriend. My wife and the OM are managers at the business and have since lost respect of all the people they used to call friends at the business. All their friends are siding with the OM girlfriend and I.

I tried to talk to my wife in the two days following the exposure of the Affair. I was pathetic. I was crying and trying to hug her and she was just acting cold. She seemed to not have any remorse and blamed me for pushing her away. I begged her to stay and talk and she just left. It really seemed that she was just upset that I ruined her affair and her relationships with others at her work. She said she wanted a Divorce. I tried the 180 for a week but felt the need to talk to her.

The night before last I explained to her that there are people that use these problems to build a stronger relationship. I told her I think we could have a better relationship than ever if we just tried again. Last night we met up and she explained that I hurt her emotionally over the years. Due to her pain from that, our marriage is irreconcilable and she just wants to be on her own. Her excuse for the affair was that she knew it wouldn't work out and she knew I would eventually catch her. She did not expect me to want her back so much. She started bringing up only the bad points of the marriage.

She says that I didn't listen well and didn't show enough support over the years. I can't believe two people in the same relationship could have such different views on the relationship. I believed it was a fine marriage and we had a "normal" amount of arguing/fighting. She says I always made her feel like everything was her fault. She also says I was too demanding sexually. I admit that I would pout if I wanted it and she didn't. When I look back, I realize I could have been a better partner. I do not think it was ever as bad as she says. I also do not remember her coming out and saying that things needed to change. She swears that she warned me plenty of times.

I love her so much that I can't just let go. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I had no idea that she thought I hurt her so much. I am willing to change and be a better spouse. I also need to heal from the Affair too, though. It's like the D-Days keep coming. First I find out she had an affair, next I find out that I was making her so unhappy all these years. I don't know what to do. I feel like the 180 will just push her away as she is just now showing remorse for the Affair and telling me the problems of our marriage.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

She's probably history my friend.

Truth be told you didn't help your case with all of the ongoing begging, crying, pleading, and even now you're still basically chasing her around trying to get her to give you another chance.

Those sorts of behaviors will push her away faster than anything else, because women are instinctively wired to be attracted to strong independent guys not weak clingy ones and also your actions justify her behavior because you're willing to accept what she did with no repurcussions.

I advise you to read a few threads on this board written by women who have cheated on their husbands and want to save the marriage but the guy isn't interested and won't even talk to them and has usually already filed for divorce.

Notice how these women get more and more desperate the more they realize they have probably lost their husband.

In those very same situations, what do you think would have happened if the guy was crying and begging her to come back rather than just pushing her away and filing for divorce?

Right, the women would act just like your wife does.

You need to push her away for there to be any chance of getting her back but like I said, it's probably a lost cause, so push her away, aka "do the 180" for yourself, not to try to manipulate her into changing her mind, and hope for the best.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You cannot beg her back into the relationship. You cannot nice her back into the relationship. 

Stop the crying and begging immediately


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Sorry you are here. Familiar story, sadly.

Why are you sure the affair is over?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

My wife had a four month EA with her old hs bf,I begged,pleaded,cried and bought gifts all for nothing.
She brought up divorce a lot.
Only after I kicked her out,took away the money and removed her name from things,saw a lawyer and basically did an about face on her did she come to her senses.
It isnt easy but a lot of the time it does work to wake them up.
After I got her back I wasnt sure I wanted her anymore,that really scared her.
Act as if you are moving on without her.
Dont get weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

I feel your pain. When my wife left me she did basically the same thing.. all she could see was the bad. I am still in the process of trying to let her go emotionally, I feel the pain and is sucks...hang in there. 


And like others here on this thread.. you got to stop the begging. I did it too. And it just made things worse.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

I understand you love her and you can't let her go. That is what is causing you to cry and beg. By any chance, can you recollect anything that will cause you to hate her? At this stage, hate is your best friend. It will allow you to detach from her.

As others said, you need to detach, be tough. If she wants divorce, give her.

Fake it until you make it.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Wazza said:


> Sorry you are here. Familiar story, sadly.
> 
> Why are you sure the affair is over?


There was a nuclear fallout after the exposure. They both almost lost their jobs. The OM girlfriend has the OM begging her to take him back and he's sleeping on the hardwood floor. She keeps a close eye on him and he is transparent now. My wife never knew how I found out using the phone call logs but the calls stopped.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I understand you love her and you can't let her go. That is what is causing you to cry and beg. By any chance, can you recollect anything that will cause you to hate her? At this stage, hate is your best friend. It will allow you to detach from her.
> 
> As others said, you need to detach, be tough. If she wants divorce, give her.
> 
> Fake it until you make it.


The sick thing is that I can't even hate her when I picture her kissing this other guy and talking **** about me to him. But I appreciate the advice and I'll try to hate her for now.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to try a strict 180 for myself. I'm done telling her I'm willing to change.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

She offered to let me live in the house as her roommate until I get into graduate school in the fall. Would this be wise to live under the same roof? I'm just wondering if her seeing my 180 everyday would be beneficial vs me moving out and doing the 180. I understand the 180 is more for my own healing. But I also know that sometimes it makes the WS want you back.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

My friend, 'puppy dogs' disgust women. Your making things worse, much much worse.

If you don't change your perspective and approach dramatically, you dont have a snowballs chance in hell of a healthy relationship with her. Best you can hope for is brief false R follow by the cycle repeating with the next OM. That's even far fetched.

I'm really sorry man.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Disbelief1 said:


> She offered to let me live in the house as her roommate until I get into graduate school in the fall. Would this be wise to live under the same roof? I'm just wondering if her seeing my 180 everyday would be beneficial vs me moving out and doing the 180. I understand the 180 is more for my own healing. But I also know that sometimes it makes the WS want you back.


Is that her house ?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

It doesn't look like she really cares what you do

She has had an exit A., on you, and is making it very plain---she wants out

Stop begging, crying, forget the 180, she is not paying attention

Move on with your life, for that is what she is doing

You almost cost her, her job, according to her you have neglected her, and done basically what you have wanted to do, in the mge, she seemingly wants no more of you!!!!!

As for the mge---from you it is gonna be tooo little toooo late----as to the A., she was wrong, but that was her way of letting you know she is going bye-bye---as I said, this was probably an exit A----stop fighting what you will not be able to change.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Disbelief1 said:


> She offered to let me live in the house as her roommate until I get into graduate school in the fall. Would this be wise to live under the same roof? I'm just wondering if her seeing my 180 everyday would be beneficial vs me moving out and doing the 180. I understand the 180 is more for my own healing. But I also know that sometimes it makes the WS want you back.


So you aren't the bread winner? What were you doing, going to school this whole time? Out of curiosity, any reason why you couldn't have worked and went to school part time? Absolutely blame the wife 100% for the affair, but my guess is you weren't exactly the Rock of Gibraltar in this marriage either...


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is that her house ?


Yes, her house from before we got married. My name never went onto the mortgage or the deed. There isn't much of any equity and it is more of a burden to sell than an asset.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> So you aren't the bread winner? What were you doing, going to school this whole time? Out of curiosity, any reason why you couldn't have worked and went to school part time? Absolutely blame the wife 100% for the affair, but my guess is you weren't exactly the Rock of Gibraltar in this marriage either...


I was the breadwinner until 2 years ago. I had a great job that afforded us a boat, vacations, etc. I decided to quit working in order to go back to get a 2nd degree, in Biology, in order to apply to medical school. I couldn't really do the Bio degree with working because I needed a 4.0. I also have had to do alot of extracurricular volunteering, shadowing, etc. I took out student loans for all of my living expenses and we always split everything 50/50. I am now planning on going to medical school in the fall. I was doing all of this to give us a better life.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Dis, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I mean that. The marriage you had is dead. The wife you had no longer exists. It's time for you to grieve. And once that is done, you can decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. You will get thru this. Google "just let them go." It will link you to a post on this site by Morituri. Sage advice there.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Another thing, if you're going to med school in the fall, you do not need the additional stress of wondering what your wife is doing while you're on call at the hospital. The divorce rate among med students and residents is horrendous. And you certainly don't want to face a divorce after you've finished your training and started to make a little money. She has shown you who she is. Believe her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you paid the property tax on the house and repairs you might have a claim against it.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

river rat said:


> Dis, I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, I mean that. The marriage you had is dead. The wife you had no longer exists. It's time for you to grieve. And once that is done, you can decide what you want to do with the rest of your life. You will get thru this. Google "just let them go." It will link you to a post on this site by Morituri. Sage advice there.


Thanks, I just read the thread. I've got to just let her go. I can't worry about getting her back. I'm just now realizing I have no part in getting her back.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you paid the property tax on the house and repairs you might have a claim against it.


I put many hours and $ into repairs and improvements. I'm not really interested in getting back at her financially.


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## Disbelief1 (Nov 30, 2012)

Another weird thing about this affair is that she acted like nothing was wrong until I found out. We were carrying on totally normal then bam! I exposed the affair and she acts like she all of a sudden hates me and has been unhappy for a long time. She also says that she did it to be alone. That doesn't make sense to start another relationship if you just want to be alone.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Disbelief1 said:


> Another weird thing about this affair is that she acted like nothing was wrong until I found out. We were carrying on totally normal then bam! I exposed the affair and she acts like she all of a sudden hates me and has been unhappy for a long time. She also says that she did it to be alone. That doesn't make sense to start another relationship if you just want to be alone.


Cheaters are not capable of logical thought - but they are very good at devious behavior and hiding things. BTW she does hate you for blowing up her fantasy love life and the "unhappy for a long time" is standard cheater script. forget about her.

I bet money that it went way beyond kissing. Sorry.

You are doing the right thing. Even some good, stable marriages cannot survive Med School and Internship.

Put her in your past and move on with your life. You have a bright future and when you get through your medical training you will have no problem finding someone special.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Disbelief1 said:


> I was the breadwinner until 2 years ago. I had a great job that afforded us a boat, vacations, etc. I decided to quit working in order to go back to get a 2nd degree, in Biology, in order to apply to medical school. I couldn't really do the Bio degree with working because I needed a 4.0. I also have had to do alot of extracurricular volunteering, shadowing, etc. I took out student loans for all of my living expenses and we always split everything 50/50. I am now planning on going to medical school in the fall. I was doing all of this to give us a better life.


What it sounds like to me is the wife didn't want to wait around to see you through med school. I can appreciate that you wanted to give the family a better life, but I'm guessing that she built up some resentment when you were not around due to schooling, and she knew med school would be a lot worse than the BS in Biology. I think this may have been her motive for stepping out in the marriage - to fill the void that she felt when you went back to school.

However, it's not your fault your wife cheated. If she took her vows seriously, she would have talked to you about what she was going through and try to figure out a work around or she should have initiated a divorce if she felt she couldn't deal with the situation anymore. What she did was 100% evil. IMHO, your best bet is to walk away and move on without ever a thought of her again.


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