# 25 years what to do



## Brice (Jun 8, 2009)

My wife and I have been married for 25 years and she just asked me to move out. We have had our problems and stress, loss of business, drinking, lying and other things that have just added to the situation. We have had confrontation and I had the opportunity to spend one night in jail. I am a well educated management individual and I don't now how all these things have compounded. I feel responsible for the business loss and to make things better I have lied to my wife and tried to hide things to make life easier, but it instead was stupid and caused more problems. We were separated for 20 days after my night in jail and then we got back together, I just have lost all self confidence and have turned to drinking...and when we were recently out I accused her of flirting and we got into a big arguing match...which ended in her asking me to leave. I am seeking counseling and I have asked her to also...she does not want to...
My wife also has a high stressed job, lots of travel and in addition she has health problems. I love her with all my heart and she says she loves me but needs a break. I am just being torn up inside and I don't know what to do ??? I don't want to lose her and I don't want to hurt her, but I believe if I leave there will be no coming back....she will not want me. What should I do?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you don't give her the break then she will leave or step back anyway. Going through this kind of stress has you reevaluate your marriage. 

It is good that you are seeking help. Although, she isn't getting help...that is up to her. You can't do a thing about it. Just work on you and move forward.

Since your wife travels alot, it may not be necessary for a seperation. Perhaps show her with your actions that you are a changed person. Don't be too touchy and over emotional or talk to much about the relationship. I've been there and it sends them the other way.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

What I can help you with is what you can't do. Don't question her love. Just know that it is there. You can't ask her "Do you love me?" or anything like that. She will think you have no back bone. You have to realize that she is angry and feels betrayed (which you know already). If you act wimpy or clingy around her then she will lose what respect she has left for you.

I know from experience that you can't do these things. I didn't do it a lot but I did it and it can make things worse. You are probably in a heightened emotional state right now that has you question every word or action by her. That leads to an emotional roller coaster that will make you worse. 

To help you with that I believe you need to show her unconditional love without any expectations in return from her. For example: If you send her an e-mail about anything - don't expect one in return. If you do something for her that you wouldn't have normally done around the house - expect no positive response or affirmation. If you keep your expectations low - you won't be as up or down about things. Now I'm not saying you become a doormat or anything, just that you need to relax. 

It is hard to do the above - I know from experience (still going through it). But since I've discovered that my expectations of things in return were really what was killing me - I've dropped those expectations as best as I can. Sure I get down still, but not like I before.

And as Corpuswife was saying you need to work on yourself. You need to regain your self confidence and become happy with yourself. You have to be happy for yourself to get her back all the way. Go to counseling by yourself - believe me it does help. When she sees you working on yourself and being happier then it will come.

The journey will be long, for you have to regain her trust. You didn't lose her trust over night and it would be regained over night either.

I speak from experience. I love my wife and I hurt her deeply too. But I haven't given up on me or on us. Read other people's threads and learn about yourself. I know I have learned an incredible amount by coming here and just reading and learning from other's experiences.

There are some real inspirational people on here. Finally, just know that you aren't alone.


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