# Infidelity - husband reveals authentic self



## J9R (Apr 27, 2013)

BH and I have always had dishonesty underlying our relationship, based on his behaviors (#'s found, emails, texts, etc). Over the years I have asked and asked (sexually) if he'd like things different, does he want to role play, dirty talk, anything..."give me a clue as clearly you don't appear happy and satisfied." 

That being said, it's not that he's going out and having an affair ..he's not looking for love, he's not looking to leave me, but I knew something was up. Recently I opened CC bill to find membership to dating married site...wtf?. I also pilfered his old phone and found numbers, voicemail, pics, etc. All hell broke loose. He informed me I don't give him what he needs as I'm not submissive enough. He loves writing and reading erotica (I've done same in past with lovers but he's never broached, nor have I), exchanging same, sexting, phone sex and swears there's never been a meet up or hook up, it's all these other mental/verbal stimulations he's interested in. I also found out he's been going to get sensual massages...wtf?. No idea if that means happy ending or not. He kept telling me that if he revealed his true authentic self he thinks I would think of him as a freak and leave. My departure and the fear of rejection would be more than he could handle. I kept prodding and asking and the more I do, the more he closes up. He's definitely not emotionally connected and intimate as I'd like (never has been), and I know these distractions are adding to the separation. We have started marriage counseling. Last night I sent him a text and said, "maybe you can show me what you want." He's an action man and I thought that might save face and be a different way to get it out of him. So, he proceeds to show me and whisper in my ear what he'd like, one which includes me getting a sensual massage while he watches, and a few other variations...but nothing i would "freak"about. Now, when I've dirty talked over the years I've said these EXACT scenarios...so I'm thinking to myself, those are my fantasies I've told you so why would I think you're a freak? He said maybe they were just fantasies only as i had never suggested acting on them. While I'm not opposed necessarily to doing this, my sticking point is this. He doesn't want to be transparent with phone, computer, etc. and quite frankly, I don't feel like babysitting. I shouldn't have to. I need suggestions on what route to take, without appearing I'm "controlling" the situation. I can definitely think outside the box, but I'm so insecure and hurt by all the deceit, a part if me has no interest whatsoever in giving him anything he desires. Another part of me finds it thrilling and exciting as we're both consenting and were doing it together. Am I the only one ever in this predicament??? Any thoughts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BH = betrayed spouse. You are the BH. He is the WS (wayward spouse)

And yes he is cheating... all that phone and virtual stuff is cheating.


.


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## J9R (Apr 27, 2013)

Totally agree its cheating. Counselor even reiterated it to him yesterday. No argument there!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married? 

Why are you staying with him?


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## J9R (Apr 27, 2013)

We've been married 11 years. I stay because despite his flaws I adore him. I stay because we have a fantastic life...we travel, we live nice, we make a good couple.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How do you adore someone who cheats on you? What's adorable about that?


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## J9R (Apr 27, 2013)

Nothing is adorable about cheating, hence my being here for guidance and suggestion. Everyone has flaws. Lots of people cheat for lots of different reasons, it's not all just about getting a piece of tail.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

J9R said:


> Nothing is adorable about cheating, hence my being here for guidance and suggestion. Everyone has flaws. Lots of people cheat for lots of different reasons, it's not all just about getting a piece of tail.


Nowhere did I say that his cheating is just about getting tail. If a person's cheating is only about getting tail, it's much less of a transgression and much easier to stop. Usually cheating is based on deep seated physiological needs/issues. For some cheaters these are very deep seated and impossible to change... it is who they are. 

I have read before that often cheating can be a pressure valve on a marriage. So if you try to stop him from cheating, it could blow up the rest of the marriage. I've seen guys fall apart and become unable to function once their serial cheating outlet is removed. Why? Because they are so needy that no one person could ever fill up the deep, empty hole in the. 

We all have to decide what our boundaries are in this life. If you enjoy the life that having in with you provides more than his cheating bothers you, then that's your choice.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

J9R said:


> I need suggestions on what route to take, without appearing I'm "controlling" the situation.
> 
> Any thoughts?


Yeah. IMHO, you are dealing with someone who has some MAJOR passive-aggressive issues. The lying...Asking him what he wants, telling you he's 'happy' when he's really NOT...discovering his "dark side", then BLAMING you for not giving him what he wants after you already offered to do so...fear if you really "knew" him, you'd abandon him...his refusal to be transparent, and your fear that you may come across as being "controlling". It all FITS! 

The last relationship I had was with a man who was IDENTICAL to your h., J9R. It's no picnic. The good news is that his issue is fairly easy to treat. The BAD news is that *he's* "gotta wanna". 

You mentioned that you don't want to have to 'babysit' this guy. But do you want to _pull teeth _to get the _truth_ from him? That's what you've BEEN doing. 

A healthy relationship cannot thrive with all of the lying and secrecy. 

In all honesty, I think you have some hard questions to ask _yourself_ before you continue to try to engage with him. 

Vega


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Refusal to transparence is a huge red flag, he doesn't have the intention to stop ever.
It's not about babysitting him, it's about not having nothing to hide... to your wife! I don't snoop on my wife, to me complete transparence is key in any healthy marriage, it's trust building, intimacy building, marriage building. If you add infidelity in the mix then...
He chose to be dishonest and secretive and he's telling you he will keep being this way.
Very bad news in my book.

And you did right from the very beggining trying to spice things with him, trying to reach and learn about what were his tastes, he's the one who rejected you. Very convenient to bring this now he's busted getting it elsewere and shifting the blame on you (aparently you had to act upon it for him to believe you). Alternatives:
a) He has a huge madonna/wh0re complex. All on him.
b) Was a coward to follow through with a real woman (you) in real life so he chose strangers. Intimacy and insecurity issues. All on him.
c) He always gave a sh1t about having a sex life _like this_ with you. He loves you, likes to be married to you but doesn't like you _this way_. Sort of cake eating. All on him.
d), e) ____ insert here ... All on him. 

I'd put complete transparence as a dealbreaker. It's not control it's having boundaires. He will tell you you are controling because he has a different agenda.

I can't believe he's unable to own his stuff, the man has a wife more than willing to explore, rejects her, cheats on her and then put the blame on her feet becasue she's not kinky enough.
Up is down, right is left.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Vega nailed it I believe.


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