# Please help me.



## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

I realize this is the men's forum, but if i ask my questions to a group full of women i'm not sure how accurate the answers will be. 

I am married. It'll be a year pretty soon, and something has gone wrong. I don't even really know what it is. We both work a lot, and I actually changed my work schedule so I'd be able to see him more often. Except then, he joined a gym, got a personal trainer (without talking to me about it first and those are expensive) and started taking night classes to earn his degree. 

So this is what is happening. It started about a month ago, and I told him, i'm just not all that happy right now. We need to make some changes. He reacted alright to that. He was distraught that I wasn't happy, but he started making changes and so did i. Everything i thought was improving. Until he went to visit some family in another state. Shortly after he returned we got into an argument, and i honestly don't even know what it was about, but he started screaming in my face to get out, and leave. He wouldn't let me say anything. I never raised my voice and he was just screaming at me. He didn't speak to me for two days. 

After that we talked, and i really thought that once again, things were getting better. We were communicating well and then we went on vacation with my family... when we returned home I was on FB and noticed there was a new picture of him tagged. When i clicked on it my heart dropped. He was in a bar, (when he was visiting his family in the other state) without his wedding ring on. In his defense, when he is at work he doesn't wear it, but attaches it to his watch, and also when he is in the field (he's a solider). I understand that. What i don't understand was his excuse. He tried to tell me it was just habit and it was on his watch band, but you can see the watch band and pictures of him from earlier in the day showed it was on his finger.

Then a few days later we were talking and he had his cell phone out and was messing around on it. I saw just the corner of a text to another woman. When he got up to get in the shower i took his phone and openly looked through it. There were texts to this other woman where he was quoting dirty lines from movies, and he also said, "i love you" twice to her. 
Naturally i confronted him, and naturally he had excuses saying it was movie quotes and that he was just really good friends with her. Except that my husband doesn't say i love you easily. And to think that he's that close with another woman and never mentioned her to me before... well that was bothersome. 

I am suspicious of everything he does now. He has a "good friend" (male) whom he enjoys spending time with, but i'm not ALLOWED to meet him. i've asked several times and the answer is always no. just no. 

So we don't see each other often at all. We go days without seeing each other actually. And it drives me crazy. I am an emotional wreck and it drives me crazy. At this point i question everything he says he is doing. For example, three days a week he goes straight from work to the gym to school. Except yesterday he didn't go to the gym, but he didn't come home for those 2 hours either. And today, he's said he's not going to the gym, but he doesn't think he'll be able to come home before class. 

I love this man with all of my heart and i want to be able to trust him. But right now, i don't. Not to mention he stays up late texting, with supposedly this friend i'm not allowed to meet. He is so secretive. Today i was checking my e-mail and it logged in to his on accident. I was looking for an e-mail that i had sent to a friend of mine because i wanted to forward it to someone else, and so i clicked on sent mail, that's when i realized it wasn't my inbox, but my husbands. Except that the last message it showed him sending was to an e-mail address i don't know, but it had the same initials as the woman that he was texting. It was a picture of himself when he was on deployment (his favorite picture of himself) and two very personal poems that he had written when he got back. I was under the impression that i was the only other person he let read them, but apparently not. The text of the e-mail said, "i thought you'd like this picture" 

i don't know what is going on. I want him to be faithful. But here's the other thing. there is NO sex. NONE. we've been married for almost a year and we've probably had sex MAYBE 20 times. i have no idea what's going on. I don't think like a man, i don't speak man, and right now i'm too tired and hurt to try and figure it out anymore.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know you didn't want to post to the women cause you didn't know how "accurate" the responses would be but I am a woman and will tell you I am 99% he's cheating on you with said woman.

The "guy" friend he has that you are not allowed to meet... is probably her. 

Can you somehow follow him today from work to see where he's going w/o him seeing you? Get the proof.

You have only been married for 1 yr and he is already doing this -- no good. Having sex 20x a year = no good.

Him telling her he LOVES her .. twice = no good.


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## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

The guy he is spending time with is actually a guy. I mean, i haven't met him, but i did go to pick him up from his house once and saw him. So i know he is a guy. If that's where he is actually going or not, i don't know. I would love to trust my husband. 
I love him more than anyone else and i just, part of the time i feel like everything will be okay nad that it's just a misunderstanding, and part of the time i feel like i've lost control and it's just a sinking sensation in my stomach. 

I had someone follow him one day, and he did exactly what he said he was going to do. I'm only 22 years old... this shouldnt be happening... 

when i asked him about the "i love yous" (and i have several times) he says it's because we're friends. We're friends. and he will bring her up in casual conversation. Which makes me think that maybe he's telling the truth...?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Every cheater uses the line:

*"She/He is JUST A FRIEND."*

It's part of the Cheating Script.

I personally do not have any male freinds who tell me "I love you." Do you? 

Do you know who she is? Is she married? Start finding out! Don't tell him you're looking though. From what you've written, it doesn't sound good.


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## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

i have two male friends that i say i love you to, but i have known them both forever and my husband has known about them from the time we started dating... not someone i've worked with for 6 months. i don't want him to be cheating. i want him to love me like i love him. i don't know what to do. i don't even know where to start to look.  i'm completely broken.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Soldiers, post this thread in the Coping with Infidelity forum to see what others think.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

If he isn't cheating on you now, I believe he is in the process of working up the nerve to. I'm sorry, but he is putting out all the signals that he is cheating.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Soldiers I am sure he is cheating on you. I have been in the same place as you many times. How is he about his phone, now that you have looked at it, does he hide it? You say you are tired of all of this, but you need to know the truth however painful it is.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

I don't want to be hurtful but I am certain he is cheating on you. And to be honest, you know he is cheating.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

My husband had a "friend" he was on a forum with, he would mention her from time to time casually. Then he told me he was going to phone her once a week to see how she was after some medical treatments. I said OK, I didn't see anything wrong with it as she lived 1200 miles away. Then he became hostile with me, on his computer all the time. Up late at night, out of bed early in the AM. As it happed, due to job change, we moved to within 200 miles of her and my husband got even more distant from me. Like a dumba$$ I though it was the stress of a new job and moving. Then I got some strange FB messages asking what I thougt about infidelity. It turns out it was one of her daughters trying to break up their affair. She (the OW) even showed up at my home when I was out of town though my husband said he didn't invite her and he never touched her. When I found out everything it nearly destroyed me and as I would look back I saw where I missed many, many clues I should have picked up on and responded to. Do something now and if he is as innocent and you want to think, no harm done. But don't let it go so far that you won't be able to recover if there is real trouble.


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