# Been almost 3 months UPDATE



## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Well, here I am again. It has been almost 3 months since I found out about my wifes cheating/affair. We have been working on things, and so far they are going ok. I really have taken a deeper look at myself, and what I want instead of always putting her first. I always considered myself a nice guy, and let her do anything she wanted without worrying about who she was with, and where she was at. Those days are gone. I have developed into somewhat of a jealous person. We have our good times, and we have bad times as well. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I do not trust her at all. She knows this.

I think my 2 biggest problems up to this point are the triggers and the lack of trust. My wife has always had more guy friends, and I get that feeling whenever she talks to them, even though there is nothing going on (I have checked). I want it to stop. She is working on the marriage, not as much as I think she should, but I may be asking too much. She has had no contact with the OM. 

I have never been the type of person to say whats on my mind, but that has changed. I hold nothing back, I tell her exactly what I think, when I think it. I still have not broken down and let loose a flood of emotions, which I am waiting to happen.

I have come to realize my wife has a lot of growing up to do. She missed out on a lot of her fun days as a teenager. Her mother died when she was 7 and her father died when she was 17, and she has been taking care of herself until I came into the picture. Now she wants to relive those days. I have been pushing her to "grow up" and she has been better.

I work as a club DJ, which incidentally is where my wife met OM ( I don't work there anymore, unrelated to the affair) I went on a rampage one night when I wasn't performing, The OMs roommates were there and I told them if I ever saw him, it was gonna be on, and if they didn't like it, I would do the same for them. Am I proud of that... No, but I felt it needed to come off my chest. I was drunk at the time, and I really didn't care what anyone thought.

One more thing that bothers me is out of all the people that knew the affair was going on, only 2 came to me and put the bird in my ear. Several of the people that knew are her family and friends, some were even in our wedding. I feel betrayed by them as well. I feel that if they knew what was going on, they should have told me.

In conclusion... I am still in a lot of pain. I am thankful that I have friends who I can talk to, and trust their advice. I had a fleeting moment of suicide, talked to my best friend, and he told me what I had to lose. I don't have many friends, but the ones I do have, are true. I am still majorly stressed out all the time, but it is getting better day by day. Thanks for reading.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Stay strong the pain you are feeling will lessen with time but your trust issues are there and are going to be hard to deal with. The so called friends and family that knew and did nothing need to be removed from your life.

Keep checking up on your wife a couple of months go by and the OM or maybe your wife will be just checking in with each other to say hello. Stay on top of things


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

mahike said:


> The so called friends and family that knew and did nothing need to be removed from your life.


This part is very important for you to move on. Do no under any circumstances have any contact with people that knew but kept quiet. Let your wife know that you will not be seeing these people and you don't want her to see them as well. They aren't a friend of your marriage and need to be discarded asap.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*You should tell your wife that her privileges to have male friends have been revoked*. Tell her that you cannot control her, you can only control yourself and how you react to her actions and what you are or are not willing to accept in a marriage. This is not you controlling her, this is you controlling you. If she doesn't agree to drop all male friends, then in effect she is choosing them over the marriage and you should consider divorcing. Three months is very soon. After three years of her earning your trust back, maybe you will feel more comfortable with her having male friends. Right now, it is damaging your marriage and keeping you from healing. Remind her that she took vows with you, and not her male friends.

Most of them would sleep with her if she allowed it, and she probably knows this.

*Anyone who knew about the affair and did not tell you should be cut out of both your lives*. They are not friends of your marriage. Again, *maybe in three years she will have earned back your trust and you can re-establish contact slowly with those family members who betrayed you by omission. The friends should be gone for good, no more contact ever*. They are not your friends, and if they are not your friends, she should not want them as friends either. Staying in touch with them is hurting your marriage and your healing.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Many, if not most, consider infidelity a dealbreaker with an immediate conclusion of divorce, especially if kids are not involved.

You have given your wife another chance. In effect, she cheated on you and you said, it's ok, I will stay married to you and try to work it out.

The least she can do for you is give up her male friends and cut contact with those who knew of the affair and did not tell you about it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Her male friends are gone if she wants to stay with you. You don't trust her, because she has shown she is not worthy of trust.

For every family member and friend who knew and did nothing, I would cut them out going forward. For ones that were close to you. I would tell the or write them letter stating y our wife was cheating, they knew and dud nothing. You are trying to reconcile with her and only people who are actually supportive of your marriage are worthy to be called friend or family. They have shown they will not stand up for marriage and are no longer going to be included in your circle. They chose to be on the other side and now they are no longer welcome in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Is she still going to school and not working while you pay all the bills??? If so it will be interesting what happens once she is done and doesn't need you for the free ride.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I re-read your original thread.

Based upon her using the cover of guy friendships as ways to have affairs, I would demand as part of R that they are done. Forever. She can work harder at making friends with women, and being your friend.

I think she also needs to find a way for her to pay back the money she stole from you to give to but stuff for her OM. It wasn't enough that she gave away your marriage vows, but using your money for them is something she can do something about.

Every dime should be repaid with 10% interest.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> For every family member and friend who knew and did nothing, I would cut them out going forward. For ones that were close to you. I would tell the or write them letter stating y our wife was cheating, they knew and dud nothing.


 Basically, I do not spend time with these people anymore. They know I know about them keeping it quiet. They claim its because they wanted her to be happy it whatever decision she made, which I think is BS...



ShootMePlz! said:


> Is she still going to school and not working while you pay all the bills??? If so it will be interesting what happens once she is done and doesn't need you for the free ride.


 She is done with school, and just started back to work this week. So far nothing has changed. I'm just waiting to see if it will change.



Shaggy said:


> I re-read your original thread.
> 
> Based upon her using the cover of guy friendships as ways to have affairs, I would demand as part of R that they are done. Forever. She can work harder at making friends with women, and being your friend.
> 
> ...


 Out of all her guy friends, there are a couple that I do not trust. I demanded no contact with them, and so far it has been working, afaik. I have told her that when she starts back to work, I want the money back. The stuff she bought the OM she brought back, and has been selling on ebay, works for me.

She feels like crap now, has broken down several times. I think she genuinely is sorry for what she did. I told her how I felt about everything, and the marriage is either going to work, or it isn't. There are no more chances, the marriage has one foot in the grave, and the other on a bananna peel, and I'm not the one who has to pull it back.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

If you were tight for money, how was she able to take $1,500 to spend on the other man without you noticing?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*Out of all her guy friends, there are a couple that I do not trust.*

Before you found out about the affair, did you know the guys she cheated on you with and thought they were just friends?

Out of all her guy friends, there are only a couple you don't trust? How many guy friends does she have? Is it that you DO trust the other guys she's friends with, or you just don't know them well enough to know whether or not you can trust them?

About college men and women being just friends, look at this and tell us what you think:

Why Men and Women Cant be friends - YouTube


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

jsmith1984 said:


> There are no more chances, the marriage has one foot in the grave, and the other on a bananna peel, and I'm not the one who has to pull it back.


The why are you wasting your time by taking a huge risk of waiting? 

You're older thread's title is "she cheated 3 times", is 4 the magic number for you to go? What's the big difference between 3 and 4?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*For every family member and friend who knew and did nothing, I would cut them out going forward. For ones that were close to you. I would tell the or write them letter stating y our wife was cheating, they knew and dud nothing. 

Basically, I do not spend time with these people anymore*

The point is not that YOU not spend time with these people anymore, the point is that YOU AND YOUR WIFE should not be in contact with these people any more. More YOUR WIFE than you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> If you were tight for money, how was she able to take $1,500 to spend on the other man without you noticing?


:wtf: She stole $1,500 from her husband to spend on the affair?? OMFG!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> :wtf: She stole $1,500 from her husband to spend on the affair?? OMFG!


Probably like most nice guys, she completely controlled the finances. Its common from what I see, even in marriages where there is no infidelity. I know quite a few people like that like one of my buddies. He doesn't even know how much he makes a month anymore. He lets his wife handle everything.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a bit of advice - don't pick and choose the safe guy friends.

THEY ALL GO. PERMANENTLY AND NO NEW ONES.

Married women do not have close guy buddies. They simply don't. Primarily, because guys view female friendship as a path to pants coming off.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Here is a bit of advice
> ....
> Married women do not have close guy buddies. They simply don't. Primarily, because guys view female friendship as a path to pants coming off.


How True!

This should be taught to every girl before she enters marriage (In different words, of course)- By her Mother, Sister, or the Priest. But she must know this before she says "Yes, I do".


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## confused husband (Sep 10, 2011)

I know what you are going through man. I am in the same boat as you. The triggers are hard, it's like i can make a smart ass comment about her cheating on me on almost everything she says. Could of made 3 this morning and ive only been up for 2hrs. The trust is also a hard thing to deal with. I believe my wife when she says she's going to ur aunts, but i still check the phone bill to make sure. My wife has no contact with anyone but me and family and it is still a hard thing to swallow. I have a post on here about what i'm going through as well (it helps when you get serious advise on saving a marriage and getting through it, you just got to ignore the immature advise). If you have any advise for me, look at my post "I need advise (serious advise please)". You can get through anything with the right support group. Good luck to my friend and i hope you find happiness in your journey of marriage.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> If you were tight for money, how was she able to take $1,500 to spend on the other man without you noticing?


 She controls the money, by my choice. I had just gotten our taxes back, so we had a bit more. Not all of it was spent on him, although most of it was. Some was spent on the other roommates. But that money was to be spent on vehicle maintenence.



Will_Kane said:


> *Out of all her guy friends, there are a couple that I do not trust.*
> 
> Before you found out about the affair, did you know the guys she cheated on you with and thought they were just friends?
> 
> Out of all her guy friends, there are only a couple you don't trust? How many guy friends does she have? Is it that you DO trust the other guys she's friends with, or you just don't know them well enough to know whether or not you can trust them?


I did not know the first guy. They had met at a bar, while I was at a racetrack. She was there with some friends, got drunk, and went home with him. I had seen the second one, but did not know him at all. She has probably 20 guy friends, none are close friends, more people she went to school with. She doesn't see them hardly at all. I have known most of them for at least 6 years. Right now, there is only 1 I don't trust. He has been in and out of prison for years. There has been almost no contact with this guy.



keko said:


> The why are you wasting your time by taking a huge risk of waiting?


Because I love her, and I believe there is a glimmer of hope that things will work out. I believe that marriage is something that shouldn't be just dropped when someone makes mistakes. If there is ANY hope of reconciliation, then I will stay. If I see after a year that things aren't changing, then I will have given it my best shot, but it could not succeed.



Shaggy said:


> Married women do not have close guy buddies. They simply don't. Primarily, because guys view female friendship as a path to pants coming off.


As I said, there aren't any "close" guy friends. For the most part, the guy friends she does have, I trust. I mentioned the one I don't trust. It's not like she hangs out with these guys, or even talks to them on any kind of a regular basis. If she sees them in a store, she will chat with them for a bit. 


I fully understand that I did not cause the affairs. When I first found out about the affairs, I did blame myself 100%. But now I see that my actions (or lack of) are not to blame. I have told her that I know I wasn't doing what I was supposed to do, but that was in no way a reason to cheat. If things were that bad, she should have filed for divorce. I know she wasn't happy in the marriage. THAT was my fault. There was no intimacy, at all. So instead of doing the right thing, and filing for divorce, she made wrong choices. I was oblivious to her unhappiness, even though she told me her issues time and time again. That was my fault.

In a way, I am glad everything happened the way it did, as screwed up as that sounds. I have always been too nice, and set no boundaries. I see now that I can't be like that. We are basically starting over. Except I have no trust. I have forgiven, but the fairytale is over. It is hard work, but as long as she's trying, then I will try... to a point. As long as things continue to improve, it will be ok. If anything goes downhill again, then the marriage has run its course. But I will have put in a good effort, and I can't say I didn't try.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

God! She cheated on you 3 times and you still believe you make it work and that she won't do it again??

No wonder why it's been so easy for her to walk all over you again because you keep on giving her chances she doesn't deserve.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat. You are in big time denial. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? How many more times does she need to cheat on you and put your health at risk for STD's? Time to get your head out of the sand.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw the zero tolerance policy on guy friends is designed to avoid the lies and negotiation that will come when she wants to have a guy friend to bang. You do not want to negotiate each guy. Especially with her history.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Here is a bit of advice - don't pick and choose the safe guy friends.
> 
> THEY ALL GO. PERMANENTLY AND NO NEW ONES.
> 
> Married women do not have close guy buddies. They simply don't. Primarily, because guys view female friendship as a path to pants coming off.


How is it anyone doesn't know this yet? And GNO's? So much for the information age. More like the Age Of Self Deluision.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

First of all, you need to take control of your finances. It's not really that difficult: income minus expenses equals what you have left for savings and discretionary spending. I've seen too many guys (and gals) get screwed over because they didn't keep an eye on where the money was going.

Secondly, you keep saying that she only has guy friends that you trust. WTF? How many times have we seen situations where best friends, brothers, ministers, etc. end up screwing some poor sap's wife. Did that person not trust these people? It takes two committed people to make a marriage. So far, it looks like you're the only one that's trying to make it work.

Good luck.


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