# When you're feeling so down, what helps bring you back up?



## backik (Mar 12, 2009)

Hello TAM!

I've bee lurking on this website for years and have always been very impressed with the support and insight that you all have provided to one another. Frankly I've been a bit timid to even write as I'm not sure I could contribute as well as you all have. 

Right now I'm in the process of getting a divorce and have felt compelled to write here. Not many of my friends are divorced so it's hard for them to understand what I'm going through. Talking about my issues makes me feel like I'm burdening them with problems they can't relate to. So... I'm in the process of searching for IC to help me on that front but am hoping that the kind community here will help me get through this (and I can help give support to you all as well).

Here's a bit about myself and my story:

Trying to make this as short and sweet as possible.

Was married to STBXH for 3 years, together for 7 years. Started dating my STBXH at 24 years old, he was 30. He was my first LT relationship - he was the first and only love of my life. Things started getting really bad as soon as we said "yes" although the red flags were there before that. Our relationship was in serious trouble toward the end of last year - we both went through couples therapy for over 10 months to hash things. Therapy did not start well b/c STBXH thought I was the one that needed to get my stuff together - he didn't need to work on himself and was a perfect husband. Little progress was made after months and months of therapy and ultimately this summer, I decided to end it. Been separated for 2 months already and will be filing for divorce next month.

We're both great people but we were not a good fit for one another. Our backgrounds are totally different (that's another story) and as I matured as an adult I found that what we wanted in life diverged as well. We were not progressing together as a couple, when conflict arose we never came out stronger b/c of it. We had a few main issues that lead to our demise.

Bad communication was our biggest pitfall. STBXH comes from a family where it's okay to say whatever cuts the deepest, even if they don't "mean it" at the time. In the beginning of would patronize me b/c of our age difference. Then he'd just say hurtful things to me all of the time as it made him feel better (this was his way of dealing with his own personal insecurities). Eventually I didn't feel comfortable voicing my own opinion. He made me feel stupid and small... even though he knew that I was a smart and beautiful woman.

Resentment built up over time and I found myself withdrawing from him. This meant less intimacy on an emotional and physical level from me.... which lead to more verbal out bursting from him It didn't take too long for me (and him) to feel unhappy. STBXH felt insecure b/c of the lack of physical intimacy and I wasn't inclined to hop in the sack b/c I felt disrespected, uncared for and degraded. It was a vicious cycle that we couldn't end.

Our friends were devastated when we announced our pending separation/divorce. People love both of us and found it difficult to comprehend us splitting apart.

Separation has been really difficult. The sadness is the toughest thing to manage on a day to day basis. Even though I know I made the right decision for both of us, emotionally I feel like a total train wreck. There is a feeling of deep emptiness is hard to explain. There are days where I feel fine then days where I can't sleep and find myself crying when I think about how our marriage didn't work... when all of your hopes and dreams with someone are gone.

Aside from keeping busy, what has helped you sort out your emotions and get you to move-on? Are there are books or materials that really helped you get it together and help you face your new life?


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## GotLifeBack (Sep 12, 2013)

I'm currently going through a separation also, which is inevitably going to end in annulment/divorce.

My wife left me 4 months after we got married, we have been together for a total of 6 years. She too was my first love and first long-term relationship. We met when I was 19 and she was 18, we are now 25 and 24 respectively.

I'm struggling on a day to day basis also, however I find escapism in moderation does somewhat help. Obviously it's not healthy to completely withdraw from the situation, but it provides some temporary relief. Things that require a lot of focus and concentration I find the best (for me at least) such as:

-Reading
-Video Games
-Archery
-Exercise (Although, now i'm single it's not my preferred form )

There are probably a million and one different things that could apply to your situation also.

I also find it helps to keep a journal. Every day I write as if it were a letter to her. I write everything and anything in there, from what I've been doing that day, to how I'm feeling. Some entries are needy "I miss you entries", others are "I hate you for what you've done to me" entries - it can vary wildly, but I find it therapeutic.

Anyway, just my thoughts


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I read Co-Dependant No More and Power of the Pussxy...I know that sounds weird...but it's a damxn good book...lol.  Also 'Don't Call That Man! Was great. And coming here....counseling and I went to a couple group sessions because my situation involved assaults...blah blah.... 

exorsize...if your not...do it. It strengthens your mind and it's obvious what it does for your body...which...strengthens your mind...right?  Your emotional roller coaster will happen for awhile...just go with it...cry and and 'feel' what you have to feel when you need to feel it...but when you engage with 'him' you be at your best...smiles and happy and such and such...'never ever' let him see you suffer... 
when you need to express yourself...come here and do it...and stay in touch with us...and keep reading on here...daily... and contribute...so you as well can give us your input  

Your gonna be ok... you will...


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

It's been almost 9 months for me and I'm still trying to figure it out. Things aren't as bad as they once were but I still have my moments.

In the beginning I found loading up my I pod with music (not melancholy stuff) and sitting out in my yard helped. It was winter and the cold air was oddly cathartic. 

As spring came, I ditched the music and just sat out there and reflected. I enjoy the sound of the birds and watching airplanes (I live close enough to a major airport that they fly overhead when they're landing. Not too low but close enough - it's something I enjoyed watching as a child too) fly over my house. I have an odd amount of white butterflies in my yard that I enjoy watching, it's peaceful. It helps me get my thoughts together.

I also got in touch with a lot of my old childhood friends. They have been great in supporting me through this. 

This place. I have met some as some fantastic people here!! Two in particular right in the beginning got me out of my darkness. Since then I've met people on here who have been helping me along on my journey, opening my eyes to things I was so totally blind about. Some I've become friends with on Facebook. Some I speak and text with. I can't stress enough how this place and the people I've met here have made my situation infinitely better than it would have ended up had I not found it.

Keep posting here. Reflect. Take time for yourself. Be patient and give yourself time to heal.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Music works wonders but no sad romantic music, that can make you feel worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## backik (Mar 12, 2009)

Thanks so much for all of your input! I'll look into some of the books that you've suggested and will find the courage to move forward with my new "single life" plans... which entail touching up on my French and traveling. 

It seems that the hardest part of the day to deal with is at night time when you're in bed alone. That's when you really miss the companionship and your insecurities start pouring out (along with some tears. Haha.)


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Have to echo the music sentiment. Music that makes me happy (and that I can dance), or music that makes me feel empowered. I created specific playlists on my iPod, and I play them in the morning while I'm getting ready to start the day off right.

I've been doing a lot of cleaning, and I've been packing up my STBX's stuff. (He left EVERYTHING behind and has made no effort to gather it up.) That's been cathartic... but sometimes, if I'm feeling angry, I break things I know he won't miss (this happens only rarely, though). That makes me feel better, too 

But generally, just finding things to fill the time and take my mind off things is the most helpful, especially if they are things I wouldn't have done while married (b/c of him). Activities that make me smile and laugh are the best, because they remind me that my happiness isn't dependent on him being a part of my life.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Music works wonders but no sad romantic music, that can make you feel worse.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yea....still can't do the country...i like country but dooshcanoo use to karaoke it so uh...no... makes me wanna grab my bat and have at it with the object playing the music...so no country yet for me...i think that's going to take me already have my heart smitten by another to get over 'that part' of this deal...


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## Clawed (May 21, 2013)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through with a divorce. I truly believe in the marriage commitment (I am even a wedding photographer), so it pains me greatly when I hear any of anyone going through it. For me, my wife cheated and filed, so, not much I can do about that.

It's been an interesting ride. If you would have asked me six months ago if I would be able to come out of it alive (seriously), I would have said no. When my wife cheated, I was hospitalized because of the trauma... I became suicidal... Now? I have never been better. My life has seriously come 180 and I feel completely revitalized and alive again.

I'll list a few of the reasons why:
* *I got the help I needed for my depression*, and that included the use of anti-depressants for me
* *I immediately started attending church *again and I bring my son every Sunday as well
* *I started eating better *- not perfect, but better by a long shot
* *I started working out *- does WONDERS for the old self-esteem
* *I started playing AND coaching sports*, and this is coming from someone who played no sports at all since eighth grade
* *I became involved in other Meetup.com groups* with people who share my passion of photography / music / volleyball etc.
* *I put my thoughts on paper *when I have time
* *I lose myself in music *and it does not have to be topical, but those are the songs that help me push through. I went from music that dealt with heartache from a relationship split ("what happened to us" message) to music that dealt with coming through and being stronger for it. I would highly recommend the album "Forget and Not Slow Down" by Relient K
* *I literally don't let myself get bored*, *but I do allow myself relaxation time *when I need it - huge difference
* Being that it was my very first relationship and it was very long term (15 years), I have, and I am still in the process of *getting the nerve to talk to other women*, simply as a confidence boost. I have always been very shy.

Anyway, I could bore you by going on and on, but if you let yourself - you can live an extraordinarily satisfying life apart from your STBXH. I am living proof! Best of luck to you, my friend!

** All that being said, there are days and moments I get caught up in feelings of sadness, and since I had no choice at all in the matter, I start to have feelings of worthlessness because she stomped all over my heart and I had nothing but complete love and adoration for her - I still love her... but I have learned I cannot get hung up on what could have or should have been **


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> yea....still can't do the country...i like country but dooshcanoo use to karaoke it so uh...no... makes me wanna grab my bat and have at it with the object playing the music...so no country yet for me...i think that's going to take me already have my heart smitten by another to get over 'that part' of this deal...


This reminds me... going to the batting cages (and joining a softball league) really helped me. Seriously. I imagined that the ball was my STBXH's head.

I'm not a violent person by any stretch of the imagination, but it really did make me feel better. And I made some friends and got in some exercise.

Win-win-win.


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## angstire (Jun 4, 2013)

backik said:


> Thanks so much for all of your input! I'll look into some of the books that you've suggested and will find the courage to move forward with my new "single life" plans... which entail touching up on my French and traveling.
> 
> It seems that the hardest part of the day to deal with is at night time when you're in bed alone. That's when you really miss the companionship and your insecurities start pouring out (along with some tears. Haha.)


Going to sleep and waking up are sometimes the hardest for me. I miss her being next to me.


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Wow...you're story sounds a lot like mine. A LOT. This paragraph was like it was coming out of my own head:

"We're both great people but we were not a good fit for one another. Our backgrounds are totally different (that's another story) and as I matured as an adult I found that what we wanted in life diverged as well. We were not progressing together as a couple, when conflict arose we never came out stronger b/c of it. We had a few main issues that lead to our demise."

I'm also currently in my first month of separation. It's really hard. I'm actually pretty much all alone here. My family and bff are hundreds of miles from me. I made 1 new friend here, but she lives over an hour away from me and our friendship JUST started blossoming right when the separation started. 

This is my second marriage. My first marriage ended terribly (he cheated), this one ended more along the lines of what you're describing. Different backgrounds, different views/values, miscommunication, defensiveness, lack of sex, diminished respect for each other, etc..... this seperation it's not quite as clear of a choice. You love each other - but somethings terribly wrong with the relationship. It's an emotional rollercoaster. 

My friend-pool has diminished over the years of two marriages to one bff, and sporadic yearly contact with a handful of people. None of my friends have ever been divorced (some have still never been married!). My family is supportive but they are terrible at communicating. Only my grandma and aunt ever calls me. I have 3 siblings and a set of parents that don't ever call just to say 'how are you?' Too caught up in their own worlds I guess. It hurts my feelings if I think about it too much so I just try not to. My sister-in-laws are within 15 mins of me and they never call me either. I don't always like to be the one calling. So I feel pretty alone sometimes.

I have been: working-out (still trying to get in the groove, but it's a goal to eventually join a better gym), watching movies, re-organizing and adding to my Pinterest boards, I've chosen one craft to work on and give as gifts, I have some computer games I like to play sometimes, reading (I'm actually trying to come up with a name for my new biz so I'm reading a thesaurus for the first time ever lol), I'm into photography so I work in Photoshop and things like that, I love languages and my H actually spoke fluent Spanish but as much as I begged he never taught me - I'd still love to learn that and any other language, I'm beginning to play with the idea of taking a small trip by myself once I get settled in my new apartment and save some $$ (travel is important to me and was put on the back-burner with H), I'm thinking of ideas on how to connect with the community around me (go to church? join a group? volunteer? I'm not really a bar person lol), concentrate on my career (should I take some classes? Go for my MBA?)....

I bought a huge yummy smelling candle from Hobby Lobby on clearance and set it up in my bare-bones bedroom (H took his dresser, and I sold the king bedset) and put it on my little dresser. When I decide I'm going to just hang out in my room I light it - it makes me happy.

Ultimately I feel this process is learning how to be alone again. What did I do before H? I have no idea!!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> This reminds me... going to the batting cages (and joining a softball league) really helped me. Seriously. I imagined that the ball was my STBXH's head.
> 
> I'm not a violent person by any stretch of the imagination, but it really did make me feel better. And I made some friends and got in some exercise.
> 
> Win-win-win.


you see perfect...what I do...and have done is i've taken old crap...and hit it with the bat...sort of a stress relieving demolition type of thing...then drag it to the garbage... its fun for me to destroy shxt...break shxt....bat out a he!!....smash...yanno...big big help for me... I used to really enjoy boxing...hands have been damaged a bit and now need to make sure they don't get injured cos of work etc... so I use the bat... beat the crap out of old stuff...junk...etc... it works for me... I also keep it in my vehicle to smash window in cars with pets that are over heating... now 'that' is a major rush.... :smthumbup:
if you ever want to get rid of crap...clean out...throw shxt out...grab a bat...lump this stuff together...and beat the crap out of it...and just 'let go'...'let loose'...and give it your all...then drag it to the garbage in pieces... or beat it at the curb... 

it's sort of fun if the neighbors watch or people drive by and see you doing it... lol... i'm a shock and awe kind of gal tho... I could care a dam,n less... that and most know me anyway...what are they gonna do? For craps sake... I have a bat and I'm swinging...haha!!!!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> you see perfect...what I do...and have done is i've taken old crap...and hit it with the bat...sort of a stress relieving demolition type of thing...then drag it to the garbage... its fun for me to destroy shxt...break shxt....bat out a he!!....smash...yanno...big big help for me... I used to really enjoy boxing...hands have been damaged a bit and now need to make sure they don't get injured cos of work etc... so I use the bat... beat the crap out of old stuff...junk...etc... it works for me... I also keep it in my vehicle to smash window in cars with pets that are over heating... now 'that' is a major rush.... :smthumbup:
> if you ever want to get rid of crap...clean out...throw shxt out...grab a bat...lump this stuff together...and beat the crap out of it...and just 'let go'...'let loose'...and give it your all...then drag it to the garbage in pieces... or beat it at the curb...
> 
> it's sort of fun if the neighbors watch or people drive by and see you doing it... lol... i'm a shock and awe kind of gal tho... I could care a dam,n less... that and most know me anyway...what are they gonna do? For craps sake... I have a bat and I'm swinging...haha!!!!


I prefer to use a hammer... because I don't own a baseball bat. 

(Also because there are a lot of cops in my neighborhood, and I don't want to attract a lot of attention.)


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

FeministInPink said:


> I prefer to use a hammer... because I don't own a baseball bat.
> 
> (Also because there are a lot of cops in my neighborhood, and I don't want to attract a lot of attention.)


I'm the opposite...I'm not breaking any laws...and I luv a man in uniform.....so come talk to me >~ bring it....


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Stella Moon said:


> I'm the opposite...I'm not breaking any laws...and I luv a man in uniform.....so come talk to me >~ bring it....


I hadn't thought about it that way! Hmm...


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