# Wife erased me out of her life



## sad_alex

Hello everyone this is my first time posting here, even though i have been lurking for some time, without even creating a username. beforehand i would like to excuse myself for my bad english as it is not my first language, and also for rambling in this post, i also do not know if im posting in the right section as im new here.

details: i am 24 years old and wife is 22; we have been married for 2 and a half years and been dating 7 years, been living together for 3 years. i know we are very young. i am a film maker and musician, and she is finishing university to be a biologist. i pay the bills and pretty much all the expenses since she is a full time student. we have no children but talked about starting a family once she finished her studies and could help support our home.

Were are both in great shape, i exercise regularly and take care of my diet, and she takes good care of herself as well. She is a very good looking woman but she has some self-esteem issues which she has recognised her self. From what ive learned from her in our relationship, she always thinks she's ugly and not good enough for me, ive reassured her multiple times that its not true, and i try to be very caring and loving so she doesn't feel that way. 

I was raised in a very warm and loving family, my parents have been married for 25 years and still going. they act as if they were still boyfriend and girlfriend that just met and the spark in their relationship is incredible, they go out on dates and plan trips together.

My wife grew up in a different scenario, she was abandoned by her abusive father at the age of 12 and resents him very much. too this day they barely speak. Her mother is a strong woman that managed to raise her and her younger sister with no help. she has had self esteem issues maybe linked to these problems in her childhood. she has had some fights with her mother and ive been there to comfort her, she claimed she was an accident and should not have been born. This is because her mother got pregnant at the age of 17 and it was unplanned. Her childhood might have been rough because of this and i try to view things from her point of view.

in our relationship we used to argue about small things, never nothing deal breaking, but lately fights had been starting to get worse, but in the end we always managed to talk things out.
im the kind of person that likes to talk things out and solve issues on the spot, while she rather's keep quiet and never vent or try to talk. 

During the early years of our relationship i was a very sociable person, was outgoing and had lots of friends and was surrounded by a healthy group of people. as the relationship progressed i began to distance myself from my friends and became socially distant to everybody as if i lost my social skills. right now i feel like i have no friends or anyone i can talk to since my whole life seemed to revolve around us.

my relationship with her mom and stepfather was nice, they were really close and liked me alot. she never got too close with my family and it was mostly formal.

Yesterday we were at a lunch party with my family and as soon as we got there, not 5 minutes had passed and she asked for my phone to get on facebook and message her female friend. when she gave it back the conversation was on the screen and she was saying: "im at my husbands family meeting, i cant wait to leave its terrible". I obviously got really upset with her, since we had been there for 5 minutes and she didnt even try. i told her she shouldnt have come if she felt that way and didnt want to be there, i told her we were leaving and i started walking to the car and she followed behind. without saying a word we drove home and i dropped her off and i went back to the family dinner. as soon as i got home, she had left, her stuff was gone. i called and she didnt answer, so i got on facebook to message her and she had deleted me and sent me a message saying "you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, and ive never felt so humiliated in my entire life, i never want to see you again". 
i felt heart broken when i saw this as i didnt expect anything like it, so i called her mother and she didnt pick up either. she later sent me a text saying not to call and that her mother did not want to talk to me. i later went to her mothers house and she didnt even let me in, she said not to contact her or her daughter.

i know im young but im lost and i dont know what to do, this is out of the blue and i feel like my world is falling apart. i know i will read this in a few years and see how stupid i am being but it sucks.


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## EleGirl

Well that sucks. She is acting just like a 22 year old drama queen.

However, it seems that she's made up her mind. So you need to start looking at how to move on with your life.

Have you told anyone in your family? You need to get a support system in place now because you need it.


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## sad_alex

thanks for your reply and for reading the huge wall of text. My family doesn't know yet, as it just hit me and im in shock. i had no warning about this and it surprises me how the day before everything was perfect and now she just erased me completely, 7 years gone just like that. i dont know if i should file for divorce or if i should wait and see what happens. i must sound like a heartbroken teenager but i cant help it.


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## Flying_Dutchman

I suspect there's a LOT more to this on both sides.

Recent escalation of fights. Wonder if she was just waiting on an excuse to leave for,,, what,, or whom?

You're the 'resolver',,, she's a quiet, non-venter. Not a stretch to imagine who benefits from those discussions. An observation bolstered by,,,,

Your instant hissy fit upon reading her text and unilateral decision to march her from your parents' property. You could've discussed it like an adult when you got home after the visit. Instead, you made a public show of a private matter.

She could've waited till you got home and tackled you about it,, but I suspect it was the final straw for a quiet girl tired of LITERALLY following your lead.

Certainly, there's more to it than this one incident.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

I think you need to give it a few days. And you need to tell someone so that you have at least one person who can be supportive of you in your life. This is going to be a very hard thing to go through.

Does she do what look like crazy, out of nowhere things? Or is this very unusual?


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## unbelievable

First, you had no business reading or responding to her private text message to someone else. She was doing what a wife is supposed to do, politely attending a family function even though she preferred to be elsewhere. 

Second. You took her private business and turned it into public family drama by abruptly leaving this family function, embarrassing your wife in front of your family. Not cool. 

Third. You dropped her off at home and returned to your family outing, preferring to spend the day with your family instead of your wife. 

After 7 years, I rather doubt she is leaving for real. Even if she does, it may be for the best. You have admitted that lately you two have been having pretty big fights and your narrative didn't sound like you were really behaving like married partners, anyway. 

Your wife doesn't like drama. That's why she doesn't vent. For someone who doesn't like drama, the scene you created at your parents house must have been pretty awful. 

Intimacy is pretty huge in a marriage. Your wife should be able to trust any secret with you, especially one that might embarrass her. 
Even if she had told you she didn't want to be at your parents' house, that should have been a secret between her and her husband. Would you like her to humiliate you in front of her family? 

If she does come back, I suggest you apologize and start treating her with some respect. Marriage counseling would be a good idea. Dating someone at 17 or even living together are completely different propositions than being married. Marriage requires 100% trust, especially if one person is working and the other is not. She has to trust her whole life to you and if she gets pregnant, she would have to trust the life of her child to you. 

It was rude and maybe childish of her to send that text but your wife is human. She is authorized to feel rude or childish. She trusted her friend enough to share those bad feelings with but she found out she couldn't trust her own husband with them. You aren't going to be or feel like Mr. Wonderful every day, either. You will sometimes say or do things in private that would hurt others' feelings or embarrass you if they were made public. You should be able to trust your wife to keep these private matters private and she should be able to trust you do do the same for her. You didn't marry your parents. The only thing they should ever hear from you about your wife is that she's the greatest. If you two have a fight, it's none of their business. Imagine there is an invisible circle around you and your wife. Nobody gets in and nothing gets out of that circle. You don't need to be discussing your marital business with her mama, either.


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## MattMatt

Nobody can get all the stuff together in a matter of moments to leave their husband or wife unless there's some kind of plan. 

I suspect that you are in the right section as this kind of vanishing act usually occurs when there is someone else in the wings.

How has she been, of late? More distant? More snippy? More angry?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

So you've been lurking here for a long time... Why is that? It's rare for someone in a good relationship to be here. People come here when they have problems, most often. 

I also suspect this is the tip of the iceberg, not the complete story. Why did you chose to post here, rather than one of the other areas like the general area? If you don't tell us what's going on, we can't begin to help. 

C


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## Lostinthought61

I'm with Matt, my gut says that she already had one foot out the door.....i smell a red herring...something else is going on.


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## MattMatt

May I suggest that you ensure she has no access to your bank accounts?

Also see your doctor and arrange for STD tests. 

The above might seem like overkill but bether safe than sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy

Ya know what? I am a firm believer in that if someone doesn't want to be with me, then I don't want to be with them. 

Let her go. Sure, it'll hurt for a while. But when you find that person who really wants to be with you, well, then you got magic.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

unbelievable said:


> First, you had no business reading or responding to her private text message to someone else. She was doing what a wife is supposed to do, politely attending a family function even though she preferred to be elsewhere.
> 
> Second. You took her private business and turned it into public family drama by abruptly leaving this family function, embarrassing your wife in front of your family. Not cool.
> 
> Third. You dropped her off at home and returned to your family outing, preferring to spend the day with your family instead of your wife.
> 
> After 7 years, I rather doubt she is leaving for real. Even if she does, it may be for the best. You have admitted that lately you two have been having pretty big fights and your narrative didn't sound like you were really behaving like married partners, anyway.
> 
> Your wife doesn't like drama. That's why she doesn't vent. For someone who doesn't like drama, the scene you created at your parents house must have been pretty awful.
> 
> Intimacy is pretty huge in a marriage. Your wife should be able to trust any secret with you, especially one that might embarrass her.
> Even if she had told you she didn't want to be at your parents' house, that should have been a secret between her and her husband. Would you like her to humiliate you in front of her family?
> 
> If she does come back, I suggest you apologize and start treating her with some respect. Marriage counseling would be a good idea. Dating someone at 17 or even living together are completely different propositions than being married. Marriage requires 100% trust, especially if one person is working and the other is not. She has to trust her whole life to you and if she gets pregnant, she would have to trust the life of her child to you.
> 
> It was rude and maybe childish of her to send that text but your wife is human. She is authorized to feel rude or childish. She trusted her friend enough to share those bad feelings with but she found out she couldn't trust her own husband with them. You aren't going to be or feel like Mr. Wonderful every day, either. You will sometimes say or do things in private that would hurt others' feelings or embarrass you if they were made public. You should be able to trust your wife to keep these private matters private and she should be able to trust you do do the same for her. You didn't marry your parents. The only thing they should ever hear from you about your wife is that she's the greatest. If you two have a fight, it's none of their business. Imagine there is an invisible circle around you and your wife. Nobody gets in and nothing gets out of that circle. You don't need to be discussing your marital business with her mama, either.


How many times have you been cheated on?.

I'll bet it was more than once, you just never found out about it...


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## warlock07

"you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, and ive never felt so humiliated in my entire life, i never want to see you again". 

Give it a few days. Don't contact her in the meantime. 

Probably something people must have told you already but you guys married too young. 

Her mother probably has a different version of what happend. SHe will believe her daughter over you.

File for divorce after a few weeks. Don't absolutely contact or beg her again. This will only ruin any chance you might have.


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## warlock07

> First, you had no business reading or responding to her private text message to someone else. She was doing what a wife is supposed to do, politely attending a family function even though she preferred to be elsewhere.



She was using his phone to send a message.


> Second. You took her private business and turned it into public family drama by abruptly leaving this family function, embarrassing your wife in front of your family. Not cool.



Really ? Her insulting her family is none of his business ? 



> Third. You dropped her off at home and returned to your family outing, preferring to spend the day with your family instead of your wife.



I can't... even.......
Are you intentionally missing what happened here ? Why are you twisting scenario into something it is not ? 





> After 7 years, I rather doubt she is leaving for real. Even if she does, it may be for the best. You have admitted that lately you two have been having pretty big fights and your narrative didn't sound like you were really behaving like married partners, anyway.
> 
> Your wife doesn't like drama. That's why she doesn't vent. For someone who doesn't like drama, the scene you created at your parents house must have been pretty awful.
> 
> Intimacy is pretty huge in a marriage. Your wife should be able to trust any secret with you, especially one that might embarrass her.
> Even if she had told you she didn't want to be at your parents' house, that should have been a secret between her and her husband. Would you like her to humiliate you in front of her family?
> 
> If she does come back, I suggest you apologize and start treating her with some respect. Marriage counseling would be a good idea. Dating someone at 17 or even living together are completely different propositions than being married. Marriage requires 100% trust, especially if one person is working and the other is not. She has to trust her whole life to you and if she gets pregnant, she would have to trust the life of her child to you.
> 
> It was rude and maybe childish of her to send that text but your wife is human. She is authorized to feel rude or childish. She trusted her friend enough to share those bad feelings with but she found out she couldn't trust her own husband with them. You aren't going to be or feel like Mr. Wonderful every day, either. You will sometimes say or do things in private that would hurt others' feelings or embarrass you if they were made public. You should be able to trust your wife to keep these private matters private and she should be able to trust you do do the same for her. You didn't marry your parents. The only thing they should ever hear from you about your wife is that she's the greatest. If you two have a fight, it's none of their business. Imagine there is an invisible circle around you and your wife. Nobody gets in and nothing gets out of that circle. You don't need to be discussing your marital business with her mama, either.


Wow!!!!


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## sad_alex

thanks for all of the replies, to clear to some points out and give more details, theres obviously two parts two this story and she must have her reasons, im trying to get some advise and insight here.

- I did not take away the phone and read the message, or respond to it. i have never snooped or had trust issues with her. She simply gave it back because she was done, and she forgot to exit the application i just looked at the screen at it was there.

- i did not create any drama or scene at the place as i simply told her this in a soft tone and we were in a private setting at the moment. the family meeting consisted of over 20 people and they were all spread out of the house, so no one saw us arguing or leave. when i came back and familiy noticed she was gone i told everybody she had a really important matter and she couldnt stay. (i see why she might have felt embarrassed)

- i decided not to stay home with her for two reasons, the first being i was upset, that she would call my family terrible after being there for only 5 minutes. And the second reason is that i pass alot of time with her family on trips, dinners, reunions etc. in the past 7 years i can barely count the amount of time we have been out with my family.

- only history of infidelity in our relationship was a small incident of EA she had during the first year of dating, but that subject is long forgotten as we were young teenagers and she has earned my trust and has shown me she is faithful, never gave me a reason to doubt her.

- she is a little impulsive and over reacts at time but never this big. she hasnt been distant, or weird lately as i said this is out of the blue, and usually when she dislikes something or she is mad i can tell. i have never walked out on her or our relationship.

- by the escalation in fights, or fights getting worse, none of these were initiated by me, they were initiated by her complaining about me. to give an example, one of the recent fights was because i had to get some work done in editing i had to stay awake on the computer for around 40 hours straight, this was a one time thing. during the whole day she was cold and distant not speaking to me and when i kept insisting if something was wrong, she blew up on me saying i cared more about working than spending time with her, and that i would only work for so long, so that i dont have to talk to her.
i tried to calm her and explain that im the only one of us working at the moment and i cant afford to lose work. 

- we spend most of our time together, we go out to dinner at least once a week. we click really great when we are not fighting, and our sex life is great and has never lost its spark during our relationship. im the only person she has been with.

- i have been lurking here for a few years here on TAM so i could always get some insight on subjects about marriage and how to be a better husband. i am aware we both have had this relationship since we were teenagers and its very different now to be married and living together. there is no manual or guide on to how to be a good husband or a good partner so i decide to come on here and read about marriage and learn if im doing things right or if our problems are normal for a young couple.

- i dont know if this matters but i will mention it anyways. she is a full time university student in her final year and at least once every 6 months for the past 3 years, she has had to take field trips with her class mates to different places. these trips are purely institutional and they go for the sake of studying. these trips are accompanied by professors and tutors, and the trips vary in length some times can be a single day, three days, and others its for a week. 

the house is empty and her things are gone, still havent heard from her.


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## azteca1986

sad_alex said:


> - only history of infidelity in our relationship was a small incident of EA she had during the first year of dating, but that subject is long forgotten as we were young teenagers and she has earned my trust and has shown me she is faithful, never gave me a reason to doubt her.


You've been lurking on TAM for a few years.

If you don't think infidelity is a factor, why did you post your thread in CWI?

Sometimes starting a thread here is a red flag in itself.


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## phillybeffandswiss

unbelievable said:


> First, you had no business reading or responding to her private text message to someone else.


Weird rewrite.


> *she asked for my phone* to get on facebook and message her female friend. when she gave it back *the conversation was on the screen* and she was saying: "im at my husbands family meeting, i cant wait to leave its terrible".


Then she should have used her own phone, laptop or whatever, not his, to badmouth him or his family.


The jaded part of me believes this was a passive aggressive attempt to start a fight.


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## sad_alex

azteca1986 said:


> You've been lurking on TAM for a few years.
> 
> If you don't think infidelity is a factor, why did you post your thread in CWI?
> 
> Sometimes starting a thread here is a red flag in itself.



I mentioned why ive been lurking here for years, as i said there is no guide or manual on how to be a good husband and i wanted to try my best for my own sake, and the sake of our relationship. I came here to read about marriage and married life, how to deal with problems and fights, etc. mostly to learn about how marriage is supposed to be, to see if things are on track. we are a young couple and since we got married at such a young age, so i can get all the help i can on how to make a marriage work.

infidelity has never been an issue apart from the small EA around 6 years ago. i guess that right now, with her just walking out on me like that im having second thoughts and im wondering if there is more i just havent seen. a part of me now feels a little uncomfortable with her fieldtrips, but as i said, she never gave me any reasons to doubt her.


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## sad_alex

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Weird rewrite.
> Then she should have used her own phone, laptop or whatever, not his, to badmouth him or his family.
> 
> 
> The jaded part of me believes this was a passive aggressive attempt to start a fight.


her phone does not have an internet connection so using mine was her only option. i suppose leaving the conversation open on screen might be trying to pick a fight, if i connect the dots on how she acted it does seem like if she wanted out and was looking for an excuse. im not sure.

Edit: Now that i remember she did act funny when she gave back the phone, she got kind of nervous when she gave it back and saw she hadnt quit the application closed the message.


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## azteca1986

sad_alex said:


> I mentioned why ive been lurking here for years, as i said there is no guide or manual on how to be a good husband and i wanted to try my best for my own sake, and the sake of our relationship. I came here to read about marriage and married life, how to deal with problems and fights, etc. mostly to learn about how marriage is supposed to be, to see if things are on track. we are a young couple and since we got married at such a young age, so i can get all the help i can on how to make a marriage work.


My point was, as you know your way around TAM, this thread could have been posted in General Relationships. But you posted here.

The whole scenario seems very engineered. Using your phone to text her friend about your family. And then 'forgetting' to cover her tracks. It appears she wanted to be caught.

And moving all her stuff out isn't the plan of a moment of hot-headedness. Her mother knew this scenario was coming. No attempt by MIL to tell your wife to get back in her own home with her husband.



> a part of me now feels a little uncomfortable with her fieldtrips, but as i said, she never gave me any reasons to doubt her.


What is it that bothers you about her field trips? Maybe it's nothing...

The constant fighting and complaining about you, just sounds like the demonising that happens as someone is being unfaithful.


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## MattMatt

She meant you to see that message.


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## sad_alex

azteca1986 said:


> My point was, as you know your way around TAM, this thread could have been posted in General Relationships. But you posted here.
> 
> The whole scenario seems very engineered. Using your phone to text her friend about your family. And then 'forgetting' to cover her tracks. It appears she wanted to be caught.
> 
> And moving all her stuff out isn't the plan of a moment of hot-headedness. Her mother knew this scenario was coming. No attempt by MIL to tell your wife to get back in her own home with her husband.
> 
> What is it that bothers you about her field trips? Maybe it's nothing...
> 
> The constant fighting and complaining about you, just sounds like the demonising that happens as someone is being unfaithful.


thanks for your replies, i appreciate it.

now that you mentioned it, and looking back, i did notice she got kind of nervous and uneasy when she gave the phone back and noticed she hadnt closed the message.

i never had a reason to doubt infidelity but right now im starting to think otherwise. i do not have anyone in mind but perhaps during these field trips something might have happened. i dont mind that she has to go for 3 days or a week, because i know its for her studies and ive always trusted that she knows how to behave. the boundaries in the relationship are clear. Maybe im being paranoid or maybe im in denial, im just having second thoughts.


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## warlock07

Did you log her out of your phone ?


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## sad_alex

warlock07 said:


> Did you log her out of your phone ?


i didnt log her out, through out the whole day i forgot about the phone and went back to my family reunion. once i got home and everything went down i tried to get on facebook and message her and her account and the message was there as it hadnt been logged out. When it refreshed and before i could even log her out, it was already asking for sign in information, as if she had logged her account out remotely, or had changed her password.


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## sad_alex

more background details


Were are both in great shape, i exercise regularly and take care of my diet, and she takes good care of herself as well. She is a very good looking woman but she has some self-esteem issues which she has recognised her self. From what ive learned from her in our relationship, she always thinks she's ugly and not good enough for me, ive reassured her multiple times that its not true, and i try to be very caring and loving so she doesn't feel that way. 

I was raised in a very warm and loving family, my parents have been married for 25 years and still going. they act as if they were still boyfriend and girlfriend that just met and the spark in their relationship is incredible, they go out on dates and plan trips together.

My wife grew up in a different scenario, she was abandoned by her abusive father at the age of 12 and resents him very much. too this day they barely speak. Her mother is a strong woman that managed to raise her and her younger sister with no help. she has had self esteem issues maybe linked to these problems in her childhood. she has had some fights with her mother and ive been there to comfort her, she claimed she was an accident and should not have been born. This is because her mother got pregnant at the age of 17 and it was unplanned. Her childhood might have been rough because of this and i try to view things from her point of view.

i thought id add this background info so it might clear things up a little and help gain some perspective.


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## italianjob

This does sound like a set up. Beside the fact of making you find the message, who would actually ask to borrow someone's phone to write that kind of message. It sure wasn't an urgent matter or something...
Sounds like she wants to separate or divorce trying to make you look guilty for it, and her mom knows her plans quite well.

You're very young and don't have children, so I wonder why it would be so important to have you as the culprit in the D. What is the legal situation in these matters where you live? I don't know if infidelity is involved, in that case this could be a "preemptive strike" to cover up for her if you live in an "at fault" state.


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## MattMatt

sad_alex said:


> I mentioned why ive been lurking here for years, as i said there is no guide or manual on how to be a good husband and i wanted to try my best for my own sake, and the sake of our relationship. I came here to read about marriage and married life, how to deal with problems and fights, etc. mostly to learn about how marriage is supposed to be, to see if things are on track. we are a young couple and since we got married at such a young age, so i can get all the help i can on how to make a marriage work.
> 
> infidelity has never been an issue apart from the small EA around 6 years ago. i guess that right now, with her just walking out on me like that im having second thoughts and im wondering if there is more i just havent seen. a part of me now feels a little uncomfortable with her fieldtrips, but as i said, she never gave me any reasons to doubt her.


The site we are on is Talk About Marriage.


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## sad_alex

italianjob said:


> This does sound like a set up. Beside the fact of making you find the message, who would actually ask to borrow someone's phone to write that kind of message. It sure wasn't an urgent matter or something...
> Sounds like she wants to separate or divorce trying to make you look guilty for it, and her mom knows her plans quite well.
> 
> You're very young and don't have children, so I wonder why it would be so important to have you as the culprit in the D. What is the legal situation in these matters where you live? I don't know if infidelity is involved, in that case this could be a "preemptive strike" to cover up for her if you live in an "at fault" state.


We live outside of the united stated, and the country we live in does take consideration of infidelity, drug abuse, and all these matters when filing for the divorce and the arrangements, so i think it would be considered a "at fault" state.

Right now we own the home we live in, im still making payments. She doesnt have a job as she is a full time student, but she has a scholarship that covers for her stuides. I have a job and i can support us both. When we decided to live together and purchase this home we had already been together as a couple for 4 years but we were not married yet. Im not sure how it works in my country if we acquired this home together but were not married yet, or what happens with our possesions if we spearate.


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## italianjob

sad_alex said:


> We live outside of the united stated, and the country we live in does take consideration of infidelity, drug abuse, and all these matters when filing for the divorce and the arrangements, so i think it would be considered a "at fault" state.
> 
> Right now we own the home we live in, im still making payments. She doesnt have a job as she is a full time student, but she has a scholarship that covers for her stuides. I have a job and i can support us both. When we decided to live together and purchase this home we had already been together as a couple for 4 years but we were not married yet. Im not sure how it works in my country if we acquired this home together but were not married yet, or what happens with our possesions if we spearate.


Then she might want to file first citing your shortcomings as the motivation, before you discover that she has been seeing somebody else, and you file citing infidelity...


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## MattMatt

sad_alex said:


> We live outside of the united stated, and the country we live in does take consideration of infidelity, drug abuse, and all these matters when filing for the divorce and the arrangements, so i think it would be considered a "at fault" state.
> 
> Right now we own the home we live in, im still making payments. She doesnt have a job as she is a full time student, but she has a scholarship that covers for her stuides. I have a job and i can support us both. When we decided to live together and purchase this home we had already been together as a couple for 4 years but we were not married yet. Im not sure how it works in my country if we acquired this home together but were not married yet, or what happens with our possesions if we spearate.


She ran home to her mother?

Golly, gosh! Then her mother can support her from now on!


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## sad_alex

​


MattMatt said:


> She ran home to her mother?
> 
> Golly, gosh! Then her mother can support her from now on!


Hahah :rofl: :lol: you have made my day ALOT better

Im feeling kind of lost at the moment, since my life has revolved around us for so many years. Since we were teenagers we had planned to move in together and build our home and start a family, and everything i did was work towards this goal. Then suddenly this hits me. Im a little disappointed and anxious, that 7 years together might end like this.

I know i will grow past through this a learn a lot, i know i cant let this beat me down and i have to be strong. Maybe the whole situation hasnt really hit me yet and the worst is bound to come, but im prepared to keep going and i wont give up because of this.


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## thenub

Clos any joint bank accounts that you put money into. No point in paying the way of someone who isn't there.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Why are you supporting her like a wife when she clearly is not acting like a partner. Stop funding her, and separate all finances. Ask yourself, where is your integrity, and why do you let someone use you. Learn to love yourself, and you will realize this relationship is dead. You keep on giving is not going to make her love you, in fact, she respects you even less. Seek help for your esteem issues.


----------



## sad_alex

Mr.Fisty said:


> Why are you supporting her like a wife when she clearly is not acting like a partner. Stop funding her, and separate all finances. Ask yourself, where is your integrity, and why do you let someone use you. Learn to love yourself, and you will realize this relationship is dead. You keep on giving is not going to make her love you, in fact, she respects you even less. Seek help for your esteem issues.


Thanks for replying.

i have closed our joint account and im not funding her in anyway at the moment.

I did not see it as her using me, i saw it more as supporting her since she is a full time student and i have a job which can pay for our living expenses. 

Would you mind elaborating a little more on this? and how does this imply i have self esteem issues? I know im in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and since ive grown distant from most of my friends, my social life has had a massive hit and i do not know where else to turn for support.


----------



## warlock07

Yeah, because of the financial situation, I don't think she can leave you if she wants to, like in normal relationships. 

Something you might want to consider. 

What I've observed is that people change a lot in their early 20's. They almost become different people. Their priorities change etc etc


----------



## soccermom2three

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for replying.
> 
> i have closed our joint account and im not funding her in anyway at the moment.
> 
> I did not see it as her using me, i saw it more as supporting her since she is a full time student and i have a job which can pay for our living expenses.
> 
> Would you mind elaborating a little more on this? and how does this imply i have self esteem issues? I know im in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and since ive grown distant from most of my friends, my social life has had a massive hit and i do not know where else to turn for support.


Wow, you already closed your joint account. That was fast.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for replying.
> 
> i have closed our joint account and im not funding her in anyway at the moment.
> 
> I did not see it as her using me, i saw it more as supporting her since she is a full time student and i have a job which can pay for our living expenses.
> 
> Would you mind elaborating a little more on this? and how does this imply i have self esteem issues? I know im in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and since ive grown distant from most of my friends, my social life has had a massive hit and i do not know where else to turn for support.




In a relationship, everything is reciprocal. If you kept compromising to satisfy her, if you place her on any pedestal, if she is willing to compromise herself, if the relationship seems way one-sided. Did she meet any of your needs, did she communicate what she is feeling, did you support her, and she did not invest in you in return, emotionally or physically. Do you feel like she invested her time and energy to make your relationship work? If you supported her, and she in return, did not invest or try and make your relationship work, would you call that using? If your willing to work on yourself, and she does nothing in return to grow as a person, and blames you for her issues, then she is using you as a scape goat. You will know best when you learn to detach. If you love her still, learn to see her as an objective observer.


----------



## sad_alex

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, you already closed your joint account. That was fast.


Mostly out of anger. She packed her things and left me in a matter of hours. that was even faster.


----------



## SweetAndSour

You are too naive and inexperienced for anything long term, Your current wife is almost irrelevant. 

You, yourself need to mature first.


----------



## sad_alex

Mr.Fisty said:


> In a relationship, everything is reciprocal. If you kept compromising to satisfy her, if you place her on any pedestal, if she is willing to compromise herself, if the relationship seems way one-sided. Did she meet any of your needs, did she communicate what she is feeling, did you support her, and she did not invest in you in return, emotionally or physically. Do you feel like she invested her time and energy to make your relationship work? If you supported her, and she in return, did not invest or try and make your relationship work, would you call that using? If your willing to work on yourself, and she does nothing in return to grow as a person, and blames you for her issues, then she is using you as a scape goat. You will know best when you learn to detach. If you love her still, learn to see her as an objective observer.


In the whole relationship i did feel like sometimes i was investing more than her, i was doing things for her, to satisfy her or make her life easier, putting her priorities over mine and trying to keep her happy. I know youre not supposed to do things are expect anything in return, but i did feel unappreciated at times, i told this to her and she would get defensive and say how i didn't appreciate her effort and that i should find someone that would make me happy. This happened a couple of times and i stopped trying to tell her how i felt because it always ended with me apologising and her as the victim. 

During our arguments 90% of the time i was always trying to fix things and get her to open up to me so we could work our problems out, while she just closed herself up and ignored me. i know if during any of those situation i hadnt insisted so much on working things out, everything would have ended right there.

Right now i think i never held her accountable for her actions, and she never accepted her mistakes.

She did comunicate to me a few times that i was being a little distant and cold, and she was feeling rejected. This was when i was very stressed and busy working, but as soon as she approached me in this way i completely agreed that i had been distant without knowing, and i changed the way i was acting. A few weeks later i asked her if she was still feeling that way and she said everything was great, and she was glad i was being more affectionate. this happened around 6 months ago.


----------



## sad_alex

SweetAndSour said:


> You are too naive and inexperienced for anything long term, Your current wife is almost irrelevant.
> 
> You, yourself need to mature first.



I am aware i have to work on myself a lot. However in my book, a 7 year relationship is something longterm, and if the relationship has lasted this long, we had to be doing something right. 

This is a situation that can happen to anyone and the fact that we are a young couple, doesn't mean it happened because i am naive or inexperienced. I am looking for advice and insight from those who are more experienced. Maybe so i can gain some perspective and understand how to asses this situation.

Could you elaborate more?


----------



## happyman64

sad_alex

I think there is more to the story.

Why not send a text to your wife that when she wants to act like an adult and speak to you that she knows where to find you.

I would then set out to find the truth.

Check her phone bill since you most likely pay for it to see if she has been contacting anyone else a lot.

Other than that give your wife some time to chill out.

I do not think you did anything wrong. In fact I think your wife set you up.

Or she is just stupid and likes throwing temper tantrums???

HM


----------



## NoChoice

Sad,
This may be something as simple as a tantrum. Or it may be a deep seated resentment and disdain for your marriage. Short of her communicating with you, only time will tell. You stated that she avoids conflict but this seems a little extreme and at least somewhat premeditated. If she will not talk and discuss this with you then really, what are your options? She lives away and you continue to support her?

I guess if that is acceptable to you then so be it. If not then you must decide your next move. If you allow the former to occur then there will be little incentive for her to act differently.

As far as marrying young I don't see that as necessarily an issue. My W and I married young and overall it has worked out fairly well with the exception of a couple of significant bumps. It really is what you make it to be. I wish you well.


----------



## sad_alex

happyman64 said:


> sad_alex
> 
> I think there is more to the story.
> 
> Why not send a text to your wife that when she wants to act like an adult and speak to you that she knows where to find you.
> 
> I would then set out to find the truth.
> 
> Check her phone bill since you most likely pay for it to see if she has been contacting anyone else a lot.
> 
> Other than that give your wife some time to chill out.
> 
> I do not think you did anything wrong. In fact I think your wife set you up.
> 
> Or she is just stupid and likes throwing temper tantrums???
> 
> HM


Hi HM, 

Thanks for the advice, i think its the smartest thing to do right now, i will give her space until she is ready to contact me.

As some of the posters have already said, it seems as if she planned this all along. im not sure if this is the case but if it is, then she is an evil person having planned all of that. I hope we are wrong.

Phone bill for November should arrive in a few days so that will have to wait.


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> Hi HM,
> 
> Thanks for the advice, i think its the smartest thing to do right now, i will give her space until she is ready to contact me.
> 
> As some of the posters have already said, it seems as if she planned this all along. im not sure if this is the case but if it is, then she is an evil person having planned all of that. I hope we are wrong.
> 
> Phone bill for November should arrive in a few days so that will have to wait.


I'd suggest logging into your provider's online customer portal (as in NOW) instead of waiting for the phone bill to arrive.


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for replying.
> 
> i have closed our joint account and im not funding her in anyway at the moment.
> 
> I did not see it as her using me, i saw it more as supporting her since she is a full time student and i have a job which can pay for our living expenses.
> 
> Would you mind elaborating a little more on this? and how does this imply i have self esteem issues? I know im in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and since ive grown distant from most of my friends, my social life has had a massive hit and i do not know where else to turn for support.





soccermom2three said:


> Wow, you already closed your joint account. That was fast.


Agreed. OP, when did you close the account? I don't know many banks that are open on Sundays.


----------



## sad_alex

NoChoice said:


> Sad,
> This may be something as simple as a tantrum. Or it may be a deep seated resentment and disdain for your marriage. Short of her communicating with you, only time will tell. You stated that she avoids conflict but this seems a little extreme and at least somewhat premeditated. If she will not talk and discuss this with you then really, what are your options? She lives away and you continue to support her?
> 
> I guess if that is acceptable to you then so be it. If not then you must decide your next move. If you allow the former to occur then there will be little incentive for her to act differently.
> 
> As far as marrying young I don't see that as necessarily an issue. My W and I married young and overall it has worked out fairly well with the exception of a couple of significant bumps. It really is what you make it to be. I wish you well.


Thanks for replying NoChoice.

I have also thought about her maybe having some resentment towards me, it could be a thing that has been growing these past years and she never communicated it. As you said: "only time will tell". Right now my option is to wait, and observe from a distance.

Im a little uneasy thinking if this has all been premeditated, then shes way ahead of me, shes probably filing for divorce already.

Another observation i have made, now that ive thought about things more: These last months she has been getting all dolled up for class, paying more attention to her looks, looking how her butt looks in the mirror, changed her hair color last month, and that sort of things. i didnt think much of it but now it feels suspicious.
At home she wore pajamas and sweatpants. Not that it bothers me that shes comfortable around me, but its just a thought.


----------



## EleGirl

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, you already closed your joint account. That was fast.


On a weekend?


----------



## sad_alex

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed. OP, when did you close the account? I don't know many banks that are open on Sundays.


Thanks for the advice.

I did not "close" the joint account but i left it with 0 balance, transferred it online to my own personal account. she does not have access to my own account. Can this be a legal problem? All the money in the joint account was money i earned and put into that account.

Something that makes me feel a little better in all of this is, last week i had to pay for her deodorant. Kinda evil but makes me feel a little better to think she's going to be walking around with a smelly arm pit if she cant pay for her deodorant.

Still no contact and no signs of her. I find myself checking my phone all the time to see if she has messaged me.

Ill check if i cant find anything on the phone records online.


----------



## PBear

The money in the joint account was possibly (likely?) matrimonial property, and will be included in the sum of your assets and liabilities. So yes, legally it might not be kosher. 

C


----------



## SamuraiJack

Sounds like she is a WAW.
Hindsight being 20/20...can you remember any of the classic signs?


----------



## EleGirl

While her running off like that is not good at all. I think you ought to text her and let her know that you want to find out what's going on.

I can just see her thinking, look I left and he does not even care. 

So now you are both sitting in different places thinking that the other does not care.


----------



## bryanp

What you wrote about her getting all dolled up for class is very suspicious. Just on the safe side I think you should get tested for STD's.


----------



## 6301

If it was me, i wouldn't make any contact at all. If she wants to run home, kick her feet and hold her breath then let her. Sooner or later she's going to have to contact you and when she does, I would take my good old time responding. 

Stop calling and leave it be. Sooner or later, she'll have to do something and when she does just make sure you really want to continue with this relationship.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, you already closed your joint account. That was fast.



On a Sunday even! Lol


----------



## richie33

It would only take me a few clicks to transfer all my money out of one account and put it in the other. I suspect a divorce court would take issue with that. Not to say I wouldn't do the same thing in this case.


----------



## MattMatt

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed. OP, when did you close the account? I don't know many banks that are open on Sundays.


Online banking? And don't forget, they aren't in America and in some countries Sunday isn't that big a deal.


----------



## MattMatt

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for the advice.
> 
> I did not "close" the joint account but i left it with 0 balance, transferred it online to my own personal account. she does not have access to my own account. Can this be a legal problem? All the money in the joint account was money i earned and put into that account.
> 
> Something that makes me feel a little better in all of this is, last week i had to pay for her deodorant. Kinda evil but makes me feel a little better to think she's going to be walking around with a smelly arm pit if she cant pay for her deodorant.
> 
> Still no contact and no signs of her. I find myself checking my phone all the time to see if she has messaged me.
> 
> Ill check if i cant find anything on the phone records online.


Ah. Then that's possibly different, though depends on your legal system.


----------



## pidge70

Why in the world does every one always have to assume someone is cheating? Good grief, this place is jaded as crap.


----------



## MattMatt

pidge70 said:


> Why in the world does every one always have to assume someone is cheating? Good grief, this place is jaded as crap.


Because they often are? Sadly.


----------



## sad_alex

​


SamuraiJack said:


> Sounds like she is a WAW.
> Hindsight being 20/20...can you remember any of the classic signs?


sorry, im not familiar with the meaning of WAW, im guessing it stands for "walk away wife"? if so i dont know the signs, it would be nice it anyone could clarify this.

Im at crossroads right now, i have gotten some advise to try and contact her, while others say not to. Right now we havent had any contact, its hard to keep myself distracted, im tempted to call but i dont want to make any mistakes, if i were to call i should plan what i am going to say first.

The account isssue might be a screw up on my behalf, i did it out of panic and anger, afraid that she might try to withdraw or transfer the money. I have done some research and i found out that once one of the spouses files for divorce, the joined account must be frozen, or the money must be transferred to a frozen account. im not sure if the same principle applies if neither of us has still filed for divorce.

i havent assumed my wife is cheating, as i said in other posts, she never gave me any "red flags" of some sort, or any reason to doubt her. Although a few suspicions have arisen now that i think about it, like her getting dolled up for class, yet it could aswell be something innocent. Im trying to get a grip of the whole situation. 

Today wasnt as bad as i expected, the amount of support and input i get from all of you posters is incredible. It makes me feel more rational about the whole situation and helps me keep my self together.


----------



## MattMatt

sad_alex said:


> ​
> sorry, im not familiar with the meaning of WAW, im guessing it stands for "walk away wife"? if so i dont know the signs, it would be nice it anyone could clarify this.
> 
> Im at crossroads right now, i have gotten some advise to try and contact her, while others say not to. Right now we havent had any contact, its hard to keep myself distracted, im tempted to call but i dont want to make any mistakes, if i were to call u should plan what i am going to say first.
> 
> The account isssue might be a screw up on my behalf, i did it out of panic and anger, afraid that she might try to withdraw or transfer the money. I have done some research and i found out that once one of the spouses files for divorce, the joined account must be frozen, or the money must be transferred to a frozen account. im not sure if the same principle applies if neither of us has still filed for divorce.
> 
> i havent assumed my wife is cheating, as i said in other posts, she never gave me any "red flags" of some sort, or any reason to doubt her. Although a few suspicions have arisen now that i think about it, like her getting dolled up for class, yet it could aswell be something innocent. Im trying to get a grip of the whole situation.
> 
> Today wasnt as bad as i expected, the amount of support and input i get from all of you posters is incredible. It makes me feel more rational about the whole situation and helps me keep my self together.


WAW = Walk Away Wife, a wife who decides to leave a marriage, often by just walking away from it.


----------



## OldWolf57

Dude, don't worry about the money deal. I'm sure even in your country they don't hang you for doing that.

How much longer before she gets her degree ??
Also, her mother must not like you as much as you say. If she did she would be telling her to go home. As long as you guys been together, she knows you treat her well. 

So yeah, I see something going on at school.
Mom may have a hand in it too, thinking she could do better than you.
I mean come on. All these years and she suddenly packs and go home with not even a scratch, but mom won't even talk to you.

OR is that fog under that bridge ???


----------



## sad_alex

OldWolf57 said:


> Dude, don't worry about the money deal. I'm sure even in your country they don't hang you for doing that.
> 
> How much longer before she gets her degree ??
> Also, her mother must not like you as much as you say. If she did she would be telling her to go home. As long as you guys been together, she knows you treat her well.
> 
> So yeah, I see something going on at school.
> Mom may have a hand in it too, thinking she could do better than you.
> I mean come on. All these years and she suddenly packs and go home with not even a scratch, but mom won't even talk to you.
> 
> OR is that fog under that bridge ???


She finishes classes in june-july so shed be getting her degree by november-december next year.

Maybe the MIL has a different version of the story, i cant be sure. I know MIL (i think) and she is 100% against this type of shady behaviour and hates cheaters or the whole monkey branch deal.


----------



## OldWolf57

So you would think she would be calling to find out your side of things right ???


----------



## sad_alex

OldWolf57 said:


> So you would think she would be calling to find out your side of things right ???


Thats true, however since many have posted that my wife might just want out, and since it seemed as if it was all planned, she could have told something bad enough to make MIL resent me?

Its hard to see the whole picture clearly since MIL was always very nice, friendly and close to me. she told me on multiple chances that she was glad her daughter was going to marry me, around 2 years ago.


----------



## sad_alex

Maybe im painting her to be a real bad person with what ive posted so far, most of what i post is my point of view and mine only. 

One thing i would like to clarify is that one of the reasons she is a full time student and doesn't contribute financially at the moment is because we BOTH agreed that we could live comfortably with my income, and it would be better if she focused on her studies so she could graduate faster being full time student, and not just a part time job and part time student. I had a part in that decision and i thought it was a good idea at the time. Maybe it wasnt such a good idea, and she got used to the "easy" life? This agreement happened around 3 years ago when we moved in together 

I have a hard time thinking she would be such an evil person to put up with me for so long just because i was paying for everything. Heck she is a really good actress at pretending if this is the case.

I should also add that she was always kind of pushy for us to get married and always made plans and talked about marriage(she was a little naggy but never pressured me in any way). The moment we got married i didn't do it because i felt pressured, or to make her happy, but because i really wanted to spend my life with her and build a future together.


----------



## happyman64

Again I think you should text her that when she is ready to communicate like an adult you will be ready to listen to her.

Listen and observe her.

If she was ready to walk out then I Think she had this planned IMO.

Just be calm. Cool.

And do not let her bait you into an argument.


----------



## G.J.

If I was you I would have at least phoned by now


----------



## SamuraiJack

WAW - The Walkaway Wife Syndrome | Psychology Today


----------



## michzz

Despite the dramatic exit, I think your due diligence is to contact her.

Ask to speak with her.

If she ignores you, then you know your answer.

If she vents and wants to talk, you may recover this.

Either way, protecting your financial assets wasn't wrong.

Just know that in the event of a divorce you may have to return some of it to her.
'


----------



## NoChoice

What good is not communicating doing you? I would think that before you implement a strategy you should at least know the enemy you are fighting. Once you find out what the devil is going on then you can make a game plan but now you're just in limbo. Find out what is up.


----------



## tom67

NoChoice said:


> What good is not communicating doing you? I would think that before you implement a strategy you should at least know the enemy you are fighting. Once you find out what the devil is going on then you can make a game plan but now you're just in limbo. Find out what is up.


Well you say infidelity matters you may want to hire a PI and have her followed when she leaves school or a good friend if you can't afford one.


----------



## badmemory

I agree that you taking her away from the gathering and leaving her at home was a huge over reaction. That text should have been discussed with her at home, afterwards.

That said, now she's over reacting; unless she sees this as some kind of last straw. 

Is she cheating? I don't know, but you don't have any evidence. If you want to find out, you need to get her back home first to have the best chance of catching her.

If she won't talk to you, I would make an attempt to get her a written apology. But....you don't won't to come off as begging her back. You just state that you were wrong to do what you did, that you're sincerely sorry, and that you hope she will at least come back home to talk to you about it soon. Don't blame her for anything in your letter. Don't promise that you'll wait for her indefinitely, but don't indicate that you won't. Make sure you tell her you won't bother her again; and don't.

That's all I would do OP. If she comes back at all, it won't be because you pressure her; it will be because she misses you and doesn't know what you're going to do.


----------



## Chaparral

She isn't the first young married woman to run home to moma.

You acted awful to her and was way out of context to what she said to her friend. At least talk to her mother asap. You basically took her home and dumped her. Her leaving isn't at all outrageous in my opinion.

Remember another thing, she grew up without a dad. She has no role model of what a family with a father in it is supposed to be like. You say she has self esteem issues. What you did was down right mean. That doesn't mean what she said about being with your family was right. But people exaggerate when talking to friends.

Think about this, what would you do if someone treated your daughter like this? I would kick your ass if you did my daughter this way.

You need to make this right as soon as possible. You are a stronger person than her and your number one job is to protect her and your future kids. Everything else comes in a distant second.


----------



## Q tip

Wonder of her FB GF is actually a BF... With a false name.


----------



## sad_alex

Thanks for all the replies.

As for infidelity i have no solid evidence or any mayor red flags that i can think of.

I will follow the advice most of the posters are giving me, and i will try to contact her today, im not sure if i should call or if i should show up at her mothers house. If i call she might not want to answer, if i show up, at least she will see i went there willing to talk.


----------



## Squeakr

Chaparral said:


> She isn't the first young married woman to run home to moma.
> 
> You acted awful to her and was way out of context to what she said to her friend. At least talk to her mother asap. You basically took her home and dumped her. Her leaving isn't at all outrageous in my opinion.
> 
> Remember another thing, she grew up without a dad. She has no role model of what a family with a father in it is supposed to be like. You say she has self esteem issues. What you did was down right mean. That doesn't mean what she said about being with your family was right. But people exaggerate when talking to friends.
> 
> Think about this, what would you do if someone treated your daughter like this? I would kick your ass if you did my daughter this way.
> 
> You need to make this right as soon as possible. You are a stronger person than her and your number one job is to protect her and your future kids. Everything else comes in a distant second.


All I can say is WOW (and especially surprised that you weren't the only poster to share this opinion and berate him for his actions while overlooking/excusing hers). Interesting that everything she did is "acceptable" and "justified" according to you due to her age and upbringing, and he is the only one at fault here, even though he is equally young. You call him mean and his actions unacceptable and then when she has done things equally hurtful and mean (and done specifically out of spite and hatefulness), you excuse them as nothing more than youthful transgressions.

Sorry but it is not HIS job to protect her (I used to share this sentiment, but after having done this for years only to be betrayed and hurt by the one that you protected and cared for all those years, I have changed my viewpoints on this). It is THEIR job to work together as a couple and protect each other and their marriage and to work things out when issues arise.

Guess we could say that her leaving wasn't justified but expected, right? I mean her dad left her when things weren't what he wanted so why should we expect anything more from her right as she was never brought up in a family that stuck around.

Sorry Chap, but your post reads like she is justified in all this because she is young and was brought up in a broken home. Does that mean that she would also be justified in cheating if she was brought up in a family that infidelity was a major factor??
I think he was fair in taking her from the situation that she didn't enjoy being in and he excused her absence through something other than her "hating" his family. I don't see these as mean.

I agree that if my daughters were to be treated in such a way, I would be upset as well, but I don't think I would excuse my daughters awful behavior (which actually started the whole fiasco) as completely innocent and therefor make him the sole blame for all that was wrong and want to take it out physically on him. Come on, Over the years, she has picked fights with him, mistreated his family and kept them separated for no apparent reason (while he accepts and is expected to be at her family events and happy over being with hers while his is avoided), and expected him to pay for and provide everything for her, without being responsible for any of her issues, as everything was his fault in her mind. I would not have easily given unneeded refuge to my daughters and made them return to their home and work on their marriages. Let's face it, it wasn't a volatile environment, rife with violence and hurtful interactions. If it was such a place then I most definitely would have been to her defense, but it sounds like the rants of a spoiled princess to me.


----------



## Squeakr

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for all the replies.
> 
> As for infidelity i have no solid evidence or any mayor red flags that i can think of.
> 
> I will follow the advice most of the posters are giving me, and i will try to contact her today, im not sure if i should call or if i should show up at her mothers house. If i call she might not want to answer, if i show up, at least she will see i went there willing to talk.


Would showing up unannounced be grounds for criminal charges in your country? If so tread lightly, as she could claim she has asked you to not contact her and yet you show unannounced, which could be grounds for stalking charges among possible others.


----------



## sad_alex

Q tip said:


> Wonder of her FB GF is actually a BF... With a false name.



Her fb friend is a female friend, they are very close and ive known her to be one of my wife's best friends. We have gone out as a group in several occasions and she is a really nice down to earth person.


Also UPDATE: My wife has my facebook account password, and i have hers. I have my facebook account linked to my phone, and whenever someone tries to access from an unauthorised computer, i get a notification on my phone. Apparently she has been logging on to my facebook account? Keeping tracks on me? 

Im not sure what to think of this, but i think its odd. Im not very active on facebook and im not big on the whole social network things. Im not sure if shes trying to spy on me or just curious to what im up too.

Dont know if i should check up on her aswell?


----------



## badmemory

Just me, but I wouldn't visit her face to face; nor would I go on her FB page if she could tell that you did. 

There needs to be some doubt in her mind, some mystery; about what you're going to do next. And she also needs to think that you aren't desperate - even if you are.


----------



## sad_alex

Squeakr said:


> Would showing up unannounced be grounds for criminal charges in your country? If so tread lightly, as she could claim she has asked you to not contact her and yet you show unannounced, which could be grounds for stalking charges among possible others.


Thanks for the advice, i overlooked this. Its best if i try calling then, if no response i will send a message for her to get back to me when shes available for speaking.


----------



## wmn1

From Unbelievable:

First, you had no business reading or responding to her private text message to someone else. She was doing what a wife is supposed to do, politely attending a family function even though she preferred to be elsewhere.

Second. You took her private business and turned it into public family drama by abruptly leaving this family function, embarrassing your wife in front of your family. Not cool.

Third. You dropped her off at home and returned to your family outing, preferring to spend the day with your family instead of your wife.

After 7 years, I rather doubt she is leaving for real. Even if she does, it may be for the best. You have admitted that lately you two have been having pretty big fights and your narrative didn't sound like you were really behaving like married partners, anyway.

Your wife doesn't like drama. That's why she doesn't vent. For someone who doesn't like drama, the scene you created at your parents house must have been pretty awful.

Intimacy is pretty huge in a marriage. Your wife should be able to trust any secret with you, especially one that might embarrass her.
Even if she had told you she didn't want to be at your parents' house, that should have been a secret between her and her husband. Would you like her to humiliate you in front of her family?

If she does come back, I suggest you apologize and start treating her with some respect. Marriage counseling would be a good idea. Dating someone at 17 or even living together are completely different propositions than being married. Marriage requires 100% trust, especially if one person is working and the other is not. She has to trust her whole life to you and if she gets pregnant, she would have to trust the life of her child to you.

It was rude and maybe childish of her to send that text but your wife is human. She is authorized to feel rude or childish. She trusted her friend enough to share those bad feelings with but she found out she couldn't trust her own husband with them. You aren't going to be or feel like Mr. Wonderful every day, either. You will sometimes say or do things in private that would hurt others' feelings or embarrass you if they were made public. You should be able to trust your wife to keep these private matters private and she should be able to trust you do do the same for her. You didn't marry your parents. The only thing they should ever hear from you about your wife is that she's the greatest. If you two have a fight, it's none of their business. Imagine there is an invisible circle around you and your wife. Nobody gets in and nothing gets out of that circle. You don't need to be discussing your marital business with her mama, either. 










Really ???? First of all, she sued his phone.

Secondly, she was causing issues with what she was putting out there to the friend. Yet, somehow, you spin this around and hit Alex with it. And are you saying he has no right to know her thoughts and feelings ?? WTF

Not only did you miss the big picture, you missed the small one and the ones in the middle.

And BTW, the wife sounds like a drama queen so for you to say she doesn't like drama, especially after what she did, and how she left, is disingenuous at best. 

You give the wife a free pass on being immature and being 'human' but yet you don't give Alex a pass on any of that either.



I am just sorry he wasted the time responding to you.


----------



## sad_alex

Squeakr said:


> I think he was fair in taking her from the situation that she didn't enjoy being in and he excused her absence through something other than her "hating" his family. I don't see these as mean.


This is exactly what i thought at the moment. I did not make a scene or treat her badly, but i simply told her she did not have to be there if she did not want to. I was incredibly angry inside but i kept my cool and a soft tone. I dropped her off at home since i thought it would be best since she did not enjoy being at the family reunion ( for 5 minutes).

I was sure to excuse her with my family in a way that didnt make her look bad.


UPDATE: I called her phone twice and no answer. Right now she should be studying, so she might not be aware im calling, or she's busy.

I decided not to leave a message, as i consider the missed phone calls are enough attempts at communicating with her. She asked for me not to contact her so i will not force her for contact. 
Once she notices i called its up to her if she decides to get back at me, or to ignore my calls.

Any suggestions?


----------



## Squeakr

wmn1 said:


> You give the wife a free pass on being immature and being 'human' but yet you don't give Alex a pass on any of that either.


Funny that this exact statement is the thing that stuck out in my mind. The double standard in this was incredibly demeaning to me (for one to be mean and do things in intentionally and be excused as "human" yet the responses of another to those actions were so "inhuman".


----------



## wmn1

I agree Squeak, definitely hypocrisy and demeaning


----------



## Chaparral

I didn't excuse her of anything. Before this I didn't really see where they had anything but normal marital differences. 

If my wife or anyone else loaded me up in the car and dumped me at home there would be hell to pay.


----------



## italianjob

I don't find the wife's behaviour normal or understandable at all...

While it may be legitimate that she was feeling bored and wanted to vent to a friend in private about her feelings, it just doesn't sound like a situation where you need to borrow someone's phone to do it on the spot!


----------



## wmn1

but she orchestrated it Chaparral. And being mad as hell doesn't mean cleaning house and leaving immediately. It means give him hel^ when he gets home and maybe expect a little bit yourself for acting like a prima donna. This guy's wife sounds like a brat. Now if you were a respectful and in a loving relationship with no issues and this was done to you, I may agree


----------



## michzz

sad_alex said:


> I decided not to leave a message, as i consider the missed phone calls are enough attempts at communicating with her. She asked for me not to contact her so i will not force her for contact.
> Once she notices i called its up to her if she decides to get back at me, or to ignore my calls.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Yes, this line of thinking is a mistake.

You need to either speak to her directly or at least leave her a phone message stating that you want to speak to her.

What you did was too passive.


----------



## EleGirl

What she did was not cool at all unless there is a history of issues that we are not aware of. Since we don't have her side of the story, we don't know what it is. Since we don't know her side, we cannot really advise him to stay or leave.

Is Sad_Alex wants to remain married, he needs to talk to her and find out what is going on.

I left my husband once in a similar manner... well I moved out while he was at medical school for the day. If you talk to him he would tell you that I was irrational and he has no clue. That's what he told everyone .. ignoring the note that I left that explained in detail. Most if not all of the people here would agree with what I did if you knew the reasons. I'm not sharing the reasons because I don't want to make it seem that I'm accusing Alex of any of the things my ex did.

What I am saying is that we don't know the entire story. Apparently his wife thinks there was good cause to do what she did. We don't know if she had good reason or if she's just an immature drama queen.


----------



## EleGirl

michzz said:


> Yes, this line of thinking is a mistake.
> 
> You need to either speak to her directly or at least leave her a phone message stating that you want to speak to her.
> 
> What you did was too passive.


I agree with this. It seems that a major part of the problem is that the two of you are not being upfront with each other. It's time to start this.

Leave a message telling her that you want to speak with her. You need to know why she did what she did.


----------



## raven2000

> we have been married for 2 and a half years and been dating 7 years


Seven years... something magical about that number. 



> From what ive learned from her in our relationship, she always thinks she's ugly and not good enough for me, ive reassured her multiple times that its not true, and i try to be very caring and loving so she doesn't feel that way.


And we have our first red flag, ladies and germs. Hmmm... what could be the issue here?



> My wife grew up in a different scenario, she was abandoned by her abusive father at the age of 12 and resents him very much. too this day they barely speak.


Ah yes, and there we have it. Broken. Daddy issues. The shock. Let me pick myself up off the floor..



> During the early years of our relationship i was a very sociable person, was outgoing and had lots of friends and was surrounded by a healthy group of people. as the relationship progressed i began to distance myself from my friends and became socially distant to everybody as if i lost my social skills. right now i feel like i have no friends or anyone i can talk to since my whole life seemed to revolve around us.


And this is a huge strike against you. Huge.



> i dropped her off and i went back to the family dinner.


Love it. Exactly what you should've done.




> she had deleted me and sent me a message saying "you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, and ive never felt so humiliated in my entire life, i never want to see you again".


And at this point you shoulda popped open champagne and dropped to your knees and thank god you are still young and didn't spawn any kids with her.



> i felt heart broken when i saw this as i didnt expect anything like it, so i called her mother and she didnt pick up either. she later sent me a text saying not to call and that her mother did not want to talk to me. i later went to her mothers house and she didnt even let me in, she said not to contact her or her daughter.


Yeah, dude. They're nuts. Congrats. You married a nut bagel. Welcome to the club. 



> i know im young but im lost and i dont know what to do, this is out of the blue and i feel like my world is falling apart. i know i will read this in a few years and see how stupid i am being but it sucks.


Let this be a lesson, kiddos.... don't marry broken women with daddy issues. Ever. No matter what. It WILL blow up in your face eventually. To the OP... you got off EASY my friend. Go, enjoy life. Date around. Find somebody with an equally normal life and level of mental health.


----------



## Squeakr

Chaparral said:


> I didn't excuse her of anything. Before this I didn't really see where they had anything but normal marital differences.
> 
> If my wife or anyone else loaded me up in the car and dumped me at home there would be hell to pay.


You never accused her of being mean or even being wrong for her actions. All her actions were all excused due to age or it being "typical" friend conversation and venting. Then you tried to cover it as she doesn't know what a family with a dasd looks like due to her being abandoned. That is excusing in my book. Hold her feet to the same fire his are and I will withdraw this.

If you didn't want to be somewhere or with someone and did nothing but complain about it all the time while in that situation, do you not feel your wife or that other person would be justified in "dropping you off" from that not wanted situation? Should everyone be unhappy in such situations (you, your wife, the other person, and everyone else at the event)? Seems to be selfish to expect them to sacrifice their happiness solely for you, if you weren't able to quell your unhappiness in the same situation (once you voice it, then you are opening yourself to response/reaction, at least that is my standpoint that).


----------



## sad_alex

EleGirl said:


> What she did was not cool at all unless there is a history of issues that we are not aware of. Since we don't have her side of the story, we don't know what it is. Since we don't know her side, we cannot really advise him to stay or leave.
> 
> Is Sad_Alex wants to remain married, he needs to talk to her and find out what is going on.
> 
> I left my husband once in a similar manner... well I moved out while he was at medical school for the day. If you talk to him he would tell you that I was irrational and he has no clue. That's what he told everyone .. ignoring the note that I left that explained in detail. Most if not all of the people here would agree with what I did if you knew the reasons. I'm not sharing the reasons because I don't want to make it seem that I'm accusing Alex of any of the things my ex did.
> 
> What I am saying is that we don't know the entire story. Apparently his wife thinks there was good cause to do what she did. We don't know if she had good reason or if she's just an immature drama queen.


This is why i decided to post here, to get some insight. I tried giving all the backstory and background information i could. I posted giving all of the details i found relevant, and that i could think of. Obviously this is all from my point of view, i tried to be the most impartial and unbiased possible, keeping in mind what went down and what ive observed during our relationship.

She must have her reasons for leaving. One of the problems i stated we had, was her inability to communicate her issues with me. As her husband i try to be there always for her to approach me and talk to me, If she doesn't then i usually try to get her to open up. I could usually tell when something was bothering her and i always managed to get her to communicate with me so we could work things out. 

Another possibility could be that she has been filled with resentment towards me, and through all of these years it has been growing and simply needed a reason to get out of the marriage. 

One of the things ive noticed is that she usually doesn't own up to her actions, she never faces any consequences for her mistakes. She shuts down and becomes the victim in a way. An example of this behaviour could be the following (actually happened): 
I once caught her in a lie (a small lie not really necessary). I tried approaching her and telling her, i did not appreciate being lied to, and that even though i wasnt angry or mad at her, i did need complete honesty for things to work properly. Instead of trying to talk with me, she began to cry, saying she was a terrible person and that i should find someone that wouldnt lie to me. 

I dont know if this is some sort of passive agressive manipulation but its one of the examples i can give of how she seems to never own up to her actions. This could be linked to her self esteem issues, and ive seen a pattern connecting these type of behaviours.


----------



## sad_alex

raven2000 said:


> And at this point you shoulda popped open champagne and dropped to your knees and thank god you are still young and didn't spawn any kids with her.


This bit made me laugh.

I dont think, nutjob would be the best way to call my wife, as she is human, and even though she might have some problems, she is not a bad person. Although i will keep my eyes wide open.


----------



## raven2000

> This is why i decided to post here, to get some insight. I tried giving all the backstory and background information i could. I posted giving all of the details i found relevant, and that i could think of. Obviously this is all from my point of view, i tried to be the most impartial and unbiased possible, keeping in mind what went down and what ive observed during our relationship.


I can completely relate to this. You will analyze, you will investigate, you will be kind and understanding ... you may be at this for months if not years. Then you will have a grand epiphany: She's not worthy of you. You are better without her. 



> She must have her reasons for leaving.


Oh yeah... and you probably don't want to know what those reasons are. Trust me. It's not going to be some grand reason that will take you deep into her emotions and better understand her as your loving partner. When broken women leave, the reasons are usually something ridiculous like "I kissed a guy at work and I think I'm in love" or "I've been banging the neighbor guy and decided to move in with him." 



> One of the problems i stated we had, was her inability to communicate her issues with me. As her husband i try to be there always for her to approach me and talk to me, If she doesn't then i usually try to get her to open up. I could usually tell when something was bothering her and i always managed to get her to communicate with me so we could work things out.


Broken people don't communicate and act rationally. They just ACT on impulse. They're incapable of coping with anything less than 100% positive in their life. She will jump from man to man trying to resolve the issues of her childhood.



> Another possibility could be that she has been filled with resentment towards me, and through all of these years it has been growing and simply needed a reason to get out of the marriage.


Yes. She hates you. She told you this. Don't take it personally. She's broken.



> One of the things ive noticed is that she usually doesn't own up to her actions, she never faces any consequences for her mistakes. She shuts down and becomes the victim in a way. An example of this behaviour could be the following (actually happened):
> I once caught her in a lie (a small lie not really necessary). I tried approaching her and telling her, i did not appreciate being lied to, and that even though i wasnt angry or mad at her, i did need complete honesty for things to work properly. Instead of trying to talk with me, she began to cry, saying she was a terrible person and that i should find someone that wouldnt lie to me.


Hi... were we married to the same woman? This is so textbook it's not even funny.


----------



## badmemory

sad_alex said:


> y happened):I once caught her in a lie (a small lie not really necessary). I tried approaching her and telling her, i did not appreciate being lied to, and that even though i wasnt angry or mad at her, i did need complete honesty for things to work properly. *Instead of trying to talk with me, she began to cry, saying she was a terrible person and that i should find someone that wouldnt lie to me.*
> 
> *I dont know if this is some sort of passive agressive manipulation *


That's exactly what it was. The questions is; is it now?

That's one reason why I gave you the advice not to feed into her possible manipulation. You should attempt to reach out to her and apologize, but you shouldn't have to jump through a dozen hoops to get there.


----------



## Sports Fan

Alex sorry you are going through this. There is a lot more to this story that you dont know about.

She has had an exit plan for a long time. I would bet that there is another bloke in the picture in her ear.

Your wife is probably in affair fog. Good move on clearing out the joint account. Do a 180 on her no contact of whatsoever. File for Divorce and sell the house.

This will either snap her out of it or get things moving qucik smart.

But stay strong buddy. Dont show any weakness to her.


----------



## OldWolf57

????? Alex, how long has she been dressing so well to go to school that you start to notice????

Seems no one else caught that.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Old wolf I saw that too..that is why my gut sense is that this a classic misdirection......something sneaky on her part lies beneath her exit.


----------



## OldWolf57

And dude, do you really want to spend the rest of your life dealing with her drama.
And now after 7 years of treating her like a queen, and being close to her family, no one will talk to you.

To me that say she can do no wrong and you will always lose in their eyes.

The message you leave is this.

" wife, thank you for finally showing me the true you, and thank your mom for showing me her true self as well."

"It took 7 years but I am still young enough to start over. and since we have no kids, I never have to talk to you or your family again."

Alex, if you told the truth of how close you and her mom are, there should be no way in hell, she has not seen how well you treat her daughter, so she should not be believing whatever lies she told her.

Picture this, she wanted out of mom's house. Mom didn't want her to marry you, telling her she can do better.
You marry, she is close to finishing school, and mom is still on the you can do better kick.

You was maybe a starter husband dude.


----------



## OldWolf57

Call me jaded, but I KNOW people.

After 7 years she still won't open up. That says she never will. It will be hell always trying to guess what's bothering her. Only to find out, and then have her evade taking responsibility.

Why live like that. like the man said. Count your blessings and move on.


----------



## Tomara

I think removing your wife from the reunion was like taking a child home for behaving badly. Her mother takes her back without question. Complaining because you had to work over time to support her..... I see a self entitled young woman that is treated like a child. Children that are not given the responsibility to grow up DO NOT. I hope she does talk to you but if it were me I would not beg her to come home. If you have children with her you will be raising a house full of kids and be the only adult. I wish you luck I really do. I just could not live like that.


----------



## LongWalk

Your wife was clearly fed up and the holiday family visit quarrel was an occasion to set her plan into action.

She will contact you sooner or later. You cannot beg your way back into her heart.

Stay active at work. Keep going to the gym. Take up whatever hobby you'd been meaning to get into.

Find a marriage counselor and book an appointment. Go by yourself if necessary. You need professional help.


----------



## VFW

I would recommend that you consult with an attorney. I am not suggesting that you file yet, as you have no idea what your wife wants at this time. However, it is good to know your rights, in the event that she does make contact and wants to talk divorce. Personally, I think this will go a month before she contacts you. I recommend you do nothing, go about life and prepare for the future. It is a brave new world out there.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

How many times have you texted, called or did your best to chase her down when things go sideways?


----------



## pidge70

MattMatt said:


> Because they often are? Sadly.


How many times when they "are," does it turn out to be some troll trying to get a rise out of people? Same people generally fall for it all the time....why, you may ask? Because they want to believe the worst about people.


----------



## sad_alex

UPDATE: She just sent me a message: (this is translated the best i could, as our native language isnt english)

"before i go, i just wanted to let you know, that im sorry for what i said about your family, i didnt mean it in a way that you would be offended. I think your family is very close together, and i feel out of place like i dont fit in with them. Im sorry, i did not mean to offend you. I hope your life turns out well, and that you find someone that is right for you. Thanks you for everything"

I havent replied back, this is her first attempt at contacting me.
Is this a test to see how i will respond? if im still interested, could she be testing me out? Maybe her mother could be pressuring her? Maybe she needs money? If infidelity was the case, she attempted R with OM and OM just wanted a ONS? I dont know what to think, am i reading into things too much?

Right now im feeling like i dont know her, or her intentions.


----------



## bryanp

The message indicates that she is playing a game with you and seeing if she can see manipulate you. Do not fall for it.


----------



## karole

Where is she going? Sounds like a goodbye to me.


----------



## sad_alex

OldWolf57 said:


> ????? Alex, how long has she been dressing so well to go to school that you start to notice????
> 
> Seems no one else caught that.


Hey Wolf,

This has been going on for a few months more or less that i can recall. She used to be the type that doesnt style her hair or wears make up for class, but i noticed she had started paying more attention to her looks, like putting on make up and perfume for class. She changed her hair color last month, and ive seen her looking alot in the mirror before she leaves for class. 

I teased her once about it. something along the lines of: 
- "woah and who are you getting so dressed up for?"
- You of course, dont be silly.

I left it there, since i thought nothing more about it.
I think its normal for women to want to look good and worry about looks, but its something that got my attention.


----------



## Squeakr

Or she is actually moving on and this is the cleansing of her soul and conscience before moving on. Essentially clearing the slate for her new life and whatever that may bring. Some people actually need closure and this may be a way for her to obtain it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sad_alex

Sports Fan said:


> Alex sorry you are going through this. There is a lot more to this story that you dont know about.
> 
> She has had an exit plan for a long time. I would bet that there is another bloke in the picture in her ear.
> 
> Your wife is probably in affair fog. Good move on clearing out the joint account. Do a 180 on her no contact of whatsoever. File for Divorce and sell the house.
> 
> This will either snap her out of it or get things moving qucik smart.
> 
> But stay strong buddy. Dont show any weakness to her.


Hey, thanks for the advice. Im trying really hard to keep myself together. I know for my own sake i have to be strong. Thanks for the support.


----------



## Stillasamountain

If this is an exit strategy and not just a cry for attention then I think the most troubling aspect is the complete lack of communication prior to her packing and vanishing. Unless there were clues we're not hearing about?


----------



## Squeakr

Could be lots of clues that were missed by him so not being reported here. Just like most affairs have clues first yet the BS always is the last to see them and know. I resemble this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sad_alex

LongWalk said:


> Your wife was clearly fed up and the holiday family visit quarrel was an occasion to set her plan into action.
> 
> She will contact you sooner or later. You cannot beg your way back into her heart.
> 
> Stay active at work. Keep going to the gym. Take up whatever hobby you'd been meaning to get into.
> 
> Find a marriage counselor and book an appointment. Go by yourself if necessary. You need professional help.


Thanks, for the advice.

Ive been keeping myself busy and active, trying not to think about the situation. Right now i have not told a single person about the whole incident, ive always been kind of closed when it comes to discussing my private life and always keep these kind of things to myself. Counseling might be able to help, as i do not feel emotionaly healthy right now.


----------



## sad_alex

Squeakr said:


> Or she is actually moving on and this is the cleansing of her soul and conscience before moving on. Essentially clearing the slate for her new life and whatever that may bring. Some people actually need closure and this may be a way for her to obtain it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she is really looking for closure, there hasnt been any yet. I dont not know the reasons of her leaving our marriage.


----------



## warlock07

sad_alex said:


> UPDATE: She just sent me a message:
> 
> "before i go, i just wanted to let you know, that im sorry for what i said about your family, i didnt mean it in a way that you would be offended. I think your family is very close together, and i feel out of place like i dont fit in with them. Im sorry, i did not mean to offend you. I hope your life turns out well, and that you find someone that is right for you. Thanks you for everything"
> 
> I havent replied back, this is her first attempt at contacting me.
> Is this a test to see how i will respond? if im still interested, could she be testing me out? Maybe her mother could be pressuring her? Maybe she needs money? If infidelity was the case, she attempted R with OM and OM just wanted a ONS? I dont know what to think, am i reading into things too much?
> 
> Right now im feeling like i dont know her, or her intentions.



Don't consider infidelity unless you have proof otherwise. But don't be blind either.

She is fishing for a reaction. She wants you to say that this isn't the end.

"Too bad it had to end this way"


----------



## Squeakr

sad_alex said:


> If she is really looking for closure, there hasnt been any yet. I dont not know the reasons of her leaving our marriage.


She can have closure for her without ever giving you anything. My STBXW was prone to that. She did whatever she needed for her with little regard for me or my kids but justified it all as she had satisfied whatever void she had created within herself. She obtained all the closure she needed so she could move on with a clear conscience that she had provided all the closure needed (when all she had done is satisfied her closure needs and no one else's).

I will never get the closure I desire as she had closed that chapter and is satisfied with how everything is. She has no need to provide you with anything so long as she is satisfied with herself and what she has done. That is the closure she needs. It might have nothing to do with you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sad_alex

Small update: The message she sent me, was sent through facebook. She had deleted me off her friends list, but i could still go look at her profile and it gave me the option of sending a friend request, or a message. Right now it wont let me look at her profile, or reply, as if she had either blocked me, or deleted her account. 

Since she sent me the message through facebook, but either Blocked me or deleted her account, i cannot respond to it, and the only way to contact her would be by 1. calling, 2. text message, or 3. showing up at her mothers home.

Not sure if this adds/means anything, just wanted to see opinions on this. 

I dont plan on responding right now, as im feeling tired and i dont want to deal with all of the emotional implications tonight. However i do think i must get back to her, at least tomorrow. Still dont know if her intentions are the leave the marriage for good, or if she wants attention. I guess that when i contact her tomorrow, i will find out?

Ill sleep on it.


----------



## LostAndContent

Sounds like it's over dude. She decided to end it without discussion or letting you know. Seems like you're probably better off. Do not chase after this girl. I'd honestly let all contact be through a lawyer at this point. She's gone out of her way to make sure you can't contact her and if you continue trying she might get the cops involved. Get with a lawyer to protect yourself, because it sounds like she already has this planned out. I do hope all her student debt is in her own name, not yours.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

sad_alex said:


> UPDATE: She just sent me a message:
> 
> "before i go, i just wanted to let you know, that im sorry for what i said about your family, i didnt mean it in a way that you would be offended. I think your family is very close together, and i feel out of place like i dont fit in with them. Im sorry, i did not mean to offend you. I hope your life turns out well, and that you find someone that is right for you. Thanks you for everything"


I'll ask again


phillybeffandswiss said:


> How many times have you texted, called or did your best to chase her down when things go sideways?


Thanks. I know you have a ton on your plate.


----------



## anchorwatch

Why aren't you angry at her enough to ignore her text? 

So far she left, she controls the communication and the situation. While you're just waiting around for some kind of magical sign from her to tell you what to do. If you reply she stays in control. Take control. Ignore her. Go about moving your life forward. Let her see that. Don't chase. Don't beg. Don't call. Don't look needy. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559

The 180 List

Who mostly controlled of the relationship? You or her?


----------



## sad_alex

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I'll ask again
> 
> Thanks. I know you have a ton on your plate.


Hey Philly, 
Sorry, i usually try to reply as much as i can.

Saturday: The day the whole incident went down, i tried calling her and her mother, after i got back to an empty house. Neither picked up, and she sent a text, asking not to call. I drove to her mothers place but her mother asked me not to contact her or her daughter anymore.

Sunday: No contact.

Today: I tried calling her twice, she didnt pick up. Then i saw her message on facebook. 

This is all the contact, and attempts of contact to this moment.


----------



## sad_alex

LostAndContent said:


> Sounds like it's over dude. She decided to end it without discussion or letting you know. Seems like you're probably better off. Do not chase after this girl. I'd honestly let all contact be through a lawyer at this point. She's gone out of her way to make sure you can't contact her and if you continue trying she might get the cops involved. Get with a lawyer to protect yourself, because it sounds like she already has this planned out. I do hope all her student debt is in her own name, not yours.


Thanks for the advice. Im prepared to move on and not look back if necessary. I know its a hard process that might take years, and it hasnt hit me yet. But im ready to deal with it. I think i deserve some type of closure, so i can have peace of mind. I will look into contacting a lawyer tomorrow. 

Luckily she has a scholarship that pays for her studies 100%, so there is no debt in that department.


----------



## sad_alex

anchorwatch said:


> Why aren't you angry at her enough to ignore her text?
> 
> So far she left, she controls the communication and the situation. While you're just waiting around for some kind of magical sign from her to tell you what to do. If you reply she stays in control. Take control. Ignore her. Go about moving your life forward. Let her see that. Don't chase. Don't beg. Don't call. Don't look needy.
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html#post306559
> 
> The 180 List
> 
> Who mostly controlled of the relationship? You or her?


Hey anchor,

Id say it was a 50-50 relationship when it comes to control. Im not sure if it has anything to do, but looking back, during the early years of our relationship i was more "alpha" (as people refer to it), but as years passed im definitely not the same guy. Usually she always follows my lead, but does have a strong character at times, and when she dislikes something, or doesnt agree with me, ill know. At times i just agree with her or just have things her way because i prefer to avoid conflict. I guess that makes me "beta".

I will read those threads you posted. Thanks.


----------



## Sports Fan

OldWolf57 said:


> ????? Alex, how long has she been dressing so well to go to school that you start to notice????
> 
> Seems no one else caught that.


Old Wolf i saw that too hence my suspicions that another man is probably in the picture.


----------



## tom67

Sports Fan said:


> Old Wolf i saw that too hence my suspicions that another man is probably in the picture.


If you can for that special effect serve her at school then text her to only correspond through your lawyer.
No phone calls let them go to voicemail.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

sad_alex said:


> Hey Philly,
> Sorry, i usually try to reply as much as i can.
> 
> Saturday: The day the whole incident went down, i tried calling her and her mother, after i got back to an empty house. Neither picked up, and she sent a text, asking not to call. I drove to her mothers place but her mother asked me not to contact her or her daughter anymore.
> 
> Sunday: No contact.
> 
> Today: I tried calling her twice, she didnt pick up. Then i saw her message on facebook.
> 
> This is all the contact, and attempts of contact to this moment.


Sorry, I was unclear. I meant through your entire relationship.


----------



## Chaparral

Cwi definitely isnt the place o come for marriage counseling. I have never seen such jaded advice before.
Two young married people get in a spat and the advice is given that would be given if the wife was a serial cheater.


You're getting some real bad advice Alex, you need to get this thread moved to the General Relationship section. Contact a moderator like Amplexor to have it moved. Of course the answer could be anything including infidelity but marriage isn't supposed to thrown away on pure speculation or fantasy. I hope you have more backbone than that.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> Cwi definitely isnt the place o come for marriage counseling. I have never seen such jaded advice before.
> Two young married people get in a spat and the advice is given that would be given if the wife was a serial cheater.
> 
> 
> You're getting some real bad advice Alex, you need to get this thread moved to the General Relationship section. Contact a moderator like Amplexor to have it moved. Of course the answer could be anything including infidelity but marriage isn't supposed to thrown away on pure speculation or fantasy. I hope you have more backbone than that.


Cheating or not read Chaps links at the bottom today if not sooner.


----------



## tom67

Chap if she isn't cheating and a WAW aren't we splitting hairs?


----------



## sad_alex

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, I was unclear. I meant through your entire relationship.


Usually i am the "fixer" of our problems. in most cases i would be the one doing all of the calling or chasing in order to deal with our problems. On some occasions she has approached me, but very few times. 

When things went sideways i usually would call alot, and insist. She is the type of person that does not pick up, and goes quiet when shes angry. I am the exact opposite.


----------



## EleGirl

sad_alex said:


> If she is really looking for closure, there hasnt been any yet. I dont not know the reasons of her leaving our marriage.


So ask her.


----------



## Chaparral

tom67 said:


> Chap if she isn't cheating and a WAW aren't we splitting hairs?


She may be cheating, she may be planing a big bank robbery, but we don't have any facts that haven't been exagerated by the burn the witch crowd.

All I see is two young married people that have hurt each others feelings really badly. Both of them have over reacted to the actions of the other. The advice doesn't fit the crime.


----------



## EleGirl

Chaparral said:


> Cwi definitely isnt the place o come for marriage counseling. I have never seen such jaded advice before.
> Two young married people get in a spat and the advice is given that would be given if the wife was a serial cheater.
> 
> 
> You're getting some real bad advice Alex, you need to get this thread moved to the General Relationship section. Contact a moderator like Amplexor to have it moved. Of course the answer could be anything including infidelity but marriage isn't supposed to thrown away on pure speculation or fantasy. I hope you have more backbone than that.


:iagree: Alex.... read this post over and over.


----------



## tom67

Chaparral said:


> She may be cheating, she may be planing a big bank robbery, but we don't have any facts that haven't been exagerated by the burn the witch crowd.
> 
> All I see is two young married people that have hurt each others feelings really badly. Both of them have over reacted to the actions of the other. The advice doesn't fit the crime.


:iagree:
She left
If she doesn't contact him for another week it leaves him little choice but to file and move on.
He has to think about dealing with this insanity for another 30 years.
No he is not perfect but come on.
And her mother is a toxic one here possibly.


----------



## sad_alex

Chaparral said:


> Cwi definitely isnt the place o come for marriage counseling. I have never seen such jaded advice before.
> Two young married people get in a spat and the advice is given that would be given if the wife was a serial cheater.
> 
> 
> You're getting some real bad advice Alex, you need to get this thread moved to the General Relationship section. Contact a moderator like Amplexor to have it moved. Of course the answer could be anything including infidelity but marriage isn't supposed to thrown away on pure speculation or fantasy. I hope you have more backbone than that.


I agree to some of the points you make, and it is true, My wife is not a serial cheater as far as i know, and i think there is not still a valid reason, or solid evidence that indicates that she is. I do appreciate all the advice i can get, yet i take it all with a grain of salt (not sure if my use of idioms-slang is correct).

Right now alot of people have told me that there might be another man in the picture, but i still dont have any evidence so i cannot base my actions on this. If she is cheating or planning to, i will find out eventually (I hope).

If anyone could help me with moving this thread i would appreciate it, Not because i dont like the advice (so far i think i have got good advice and insight from many posters), but because there is still no proof of infidelity, and it might be better off in a different section.


----------



## EleGirl

sad_alex said:


> If anyone could help me with moving this thread i would appreciate it, Not because i dont like the advice (so far i think i have got good advice and insight from many posters), but because there is still no proof of infidelity, and it might be better off in a different section.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/technical-difficulties/235673-please-move-thread.html#post11092345

Did it....


----------



## tom67

sad_alex said:


> I agree to some of the points you make, and it is true, My wife is not a serial cheater as far as i know, and i think there is not still a valid reason, or solid evidence that indicates that she is. I do appreciate all the advice i can get, yet i take it all with a grain of salt (not sure if my use of idioms-slang is correct).
> 
> Right now alot of people have told me that there might be another man in the picture, but i still dont have any evidence so i cannot base my actions on this. If she is cheating or planning to, i will find out eventually (I hope).
> 
> If anyone could help me with moving this thread i would appreciate it, Not because i dont like the advice (so far i think i have got good advice and insight from many posters), but because there is still no proof of infidelity, and it might be better off in a different section.


Alex the way she moved out so quickly is telling me this was planned.
I will not say she is cheating...yet.
If she is done well she is done it may be NPD BPD or some other PD.
You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.
Just think do you deserve better?
Of course you do.


----------



## sad_alex

EleGirl said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/technical-difficulties/235673-please-move-thread.html#post11092345
> 
> Did it....


Thanks Ele,

Ive been a lurker here, but had never decided to create a username and post until a few days ago. Im still learning my way around the forum.


----------



## sad_alex

tom67 said:


> Alex the way she moved out so quickly is telling me this was planned.
> I will not say she is cheating...yet.
> If she is done well she is done it may be NPD BPD or some other PD.
> You can't control her but you can control what you will put up with.
> Just think do you deserve better?
> Of course you do.


It could have been planned, or she could have been overreacting out of rage. Given her background i must admit she did have a rough childhood, so i must see things from her point of view as well i suppose. I have read about BPD but im not in a position to diagnose her or say she has some sort of disorder. 

Ive been with my wife for 7 years, and my feelings have never changed or vanished; But these past days since the incident have made me think and review our whole relationship. 

I love her deeply, but the way i feel right now, if we were to work this out as a couple and get back together, i would be afraid she could walk out on me again. The next time we argue, she could over react even worse? I dont know what to expect. Right now, if we were to continue the marriage, i would seek professional help and marriage counseling. Something that is 100% clear is that there are some serious communication problems and any underlying issues there might be, must be adressed.

Regarding your other post about MIL being toxic, alot of posters here have mentioned it aswell. MIL had always been very nice, warm and close to me. I dont know where i stand on this, but im all ears.


----------



## LongWalk

Get the cell phone call log and see if she called or texted some number. If there is such a number, you probably will find that it is OM.

Her going dark on you creates mystery.

Don't contact her. If she needs money, let her come to you and request it. It will give you a reason to meet.


----------



## EleGirl

sad_alex said:


> It could have been planned, or she could have been overreacting out of rage. Given her background i must admit she did have a rough childhood, so i must see things from her point of view as well i suppose. I have read about BPD but im not in a position to diagnose her or say she has some sort of disorder.
> 
> Ive been with my wife for 7 years, and my feelings have never changed or vanished; But these past days since the incident have made me think and review our whole relationship.
> 
> I love her deeply, but the way i feel right now, if we were to work this out as a couple and get back together, i would be afraid she could walk out on me again. The next time we argue, she could over react even worse? I dont know what to expect. Right now, if we were to continue the marriage, i would seek professional help and marriage counseling. Something that is 100% clear is that there are some serious communication problems and any underlying issues there might be, must be adressed.
> 
> Regarding your other post about MIL being toxic, alot of posters here have mentioned it aswell. MIL had always been very nice, warm and close to me. I dont know where i stand on this, but im all ears.


Maybe your MIL just does not want to be in the middle of your lover's spat. I can understand if that's what she's thinking.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

You need to start talking to your own family about this. Quit keeping it to yourself. Your parents may be able to give you some perspective on this.

As for your wife's behavior, if you are able to contact her directly I would do so with a simple statement that you do not understand why she is behaving this way and ask for an explanation as to why she seems so intent on leaving. No drama, no pleading, no blame, just a simple request for an explanation.

If she is refusing your phone calls, can you find another way to contact her? A text message would be fine I should think. 

Her response will probably tell you a great deal about whether it's rage, she's been planning it, there's another man involved, or whatever.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

sad_alex said:


> Usually i am the "fixer" of our problems. in most cases i would be the one doing all of the calling or chasing in order to deal with our problems. On some occasions she has approached me, but very few times.
> 
> When things went sideways i usually would call alot, and insist. She is the type of person that does not pick up, and goes quiet when shes angry. I am the exact opposite.


Thanks.

So, you know she does this for attention, but you continue to feed her entitlement. I am not absolving you of any marriage problems, but she is punishing you IMO. Sorry, I disagree with EVERYONE telling you to push contact. You called, you went to the house, you tried texting, tried Facebook and you were blocked or ignored at every turn. Now, you are supposed to repeat this cycle? IMO, no.


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

If she's quiet with the OP I wonder if she confides in/bìtches to her mom - like when she got dropped off - and mom talked her into leaving.

If it was a plan, it was a plan B cuz she wasn't expecting to be home so early. If she needed transport at short notice, mom'd top the list of instantly available people.

Also, her mom wasn't forthcoming or helpful when the OP went round there. 

If she's a daily mom confider, there lies the influence.

OM? Mom woulda been more helpful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> I agree to some of the points you make, and it is true, My wife is not a serial cheater as far as i know, and i think there is not still a valid reason, or solid evidence that indicates that she is. I do appreciate all the advice i can get, yet i take it all with a grain of salt (not sure if my use of idioms-slang is correct).
> 
> Right now alot of people have told me that there might be another man in the picture, but i still dont have any evidence so i cannot base my actions on this. *If she is cheating or planning to, i will find out eventually (I hope).*
> 
> If anyone could help me with moving this thread i would appreciate it, Not because i dont like the advice (so far i think i have got good advice and insight from many posters), but because there is still no proof of infidelity, and it might be better off in a different section.


Sooner is better than later.

...

...

...

...

...

Just saying...


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Well, you have to start living your life if your single. Life does not go on hold, and you have to find the strength to move on. Work on yourself, and seek help if you need too. If she contacts you, then talk, but don't take the blame for her actions. In fact, if she asks to come back, make her seek help. Stay detached until she becomes stable. If you reconnect to early and she leaves you again because she does not like the hard work, or she can't face her issues, you would be more protected from her leaving you again. It is not about you, it is about her issues. You own yours, and if there is something you need to work on, you have to do it.


----------



## sad_alex

LongWalk said:


> Get the cell phone call log and see if she called or texted some number. If there is such a number, you probably will find that it is OM.
> 
> Her going dark on you creates mystery.
> 
> Don't contact her. If she needs money, let her come to you and request it. It will give you a reason to meet.


The phone bill should arrive this week, so ill be keeping an eye out for that. If there happens to be an OM, then i doubt any of it might show on the phone records, as she never really spends much time on her phone, i never see her texting or leave the room and act suspicious when she gets calls. And she always leaves her phone around like she has nothing to hide.

However she does spend a lot of time on facebook, but she has always been this way.


----------



## sad_alex

iwontliedown said:


> Its been two days since she vanished?
> 
> Its high time you tell your father and mother what is happening. You cannot keep this to yourself anymore. Its will harm you.
> 
> I understand its a private matter for you. But your marriage is facing ending. And that affects you - both physically and mentally. So you need your family right now. Tell them.
> 
> As for your wife, stick to what you are doing. Don't contact anymore. She has left without no apparent reason. So she should be the one explaining. Dont chase after her.


Thanks, 

I will let them know what has happened, i could use their support. Only contact we have had so far was the message she sent me. 
I still havent replied.


----------



## sad_alex

PreRaphaelite said:


> You need to start talking to your own family about this. Quit keeping it to yourself. Your parents may be able to give you some perspective on this.
> 
> As for your wife's behavior, if you are able to contact her directly I would do so with a simple statement that you do not understand why she is behaving this way and ask for an explanation as to why she seems so intent on leaving. No drama, no pleading, no blame, just a simple request for an explanation.
> 
> If she is refusing your phone calls, can you find another way to contact her? A text message would be fine I should think.
> 
> Her response will probably tell you a great deal about whether it's rage, she's been planning it, there's another man involved, or whatever.


Thanks for the advice,

Honestly i think this is one of the most mature straight forward and smartest way to deal with the situation. She is my wife and communication is key, We both could be thinking different things, but we cant read each others mind. 

Im still not sure if shes doing this for attention, or if she's had enough and has started moving on. It could be one or another, but im not willing to play any mind games or giving in to the drama. I rather we discuss things like adults and be honest with each other.


----------



## sad_alex

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Thanks.
> 
> So, you know she does this for attention, but you continue to feed her entitlement. I am not absolving you of any marriage problems, but she is punishing you IMO. Sorry, I disagree with EVERYONE telling you to push contact. You called, you went to the house, you tried texting, tried Facebook and you were blocked or ignored at every turn. Now, you are supposed to repeat this cycle? IMO, no.


Hey philly, 

I have felt this way aswell, at times i dont even feel like i should call or pursue her anymore. If i keep calling, id be playing her game, which i dont want to be a part of. However by not calling and ignoring her, i would also be playing games?


----------



## tom67

sad_alex said:


> Thanks for the advice,
> 
> Honestly i think this is one of the most mature straight forward and smartest way to deal with the situation. She is my wife and communication is key, We both could be thinking different things, but we cant read each others mind.
> 
> Im still not sure if shes doing this for attention, or if she's had enough and has started moving on. It could be one or another, but im not willing to play any mind games or giving in to the drama. I rather we discuss things like adults and be honest with each other.


Ask her to meet at a public place then like a restaurant or coffee shop.
I mean I don't know what else you can do at this point.


----------



## sad_alex

Flying_Dutchman said:


> If she's quiet with the OP I wonder if she confides in/bìtches to her mom - like when she got dropped off - and mom talked her into leaving.
> 
> If it was a plan, it was a plan B cuz she wasn't expecting to be home so early. If she needed transport at short notice, mom'd top the list of instantly available people.
> 
> Also, her mom wasn't forthcoming or helpful when the OP went round there.
> 
> If she's a daily mom confider, there lies the influence.
> 
> OM? Mom woulda been more helpful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There could be an important point im leaving out, i dont like to speculate, but perhaps it could be linked to MIL's way of thinking right now. 

MIL has had a rough experience with men. She was cheated on multiple times by her first husband (wife's father). He was an abusive man and she had difficulty letting go of him because of numerous reasons. She became pregnant at the age of 17 and probably had to get married because of this reason. She was sort of co-dependant on her husband. One day the husband decided to walk out on MIL, My wife was 12 years old at the moment. When my Wife an i started dating, i was around 17 years old, MIL met another man and eventually they got married. He would be her second husband and my Wife's step-father. He was always a quiet man, and we shared a couple of laughs and moments together. A nice person overall. A few days before the incident with my wife, she told me that MIL had discovered that step-father had an affair going on for over a year, and that they were separating. 

MIL is obviously hurt, as her relationship was also of 7 years with this man. I know for sure she would not support her daughter if she knew there was OM in the picture, or give her advice to leave for another man.


----------



## SweetAndSour

sad_alex said:


> I am aware i have to work on myself a lot. However in my book, a 7 year relationship is something longterm, and if the relationship has lasted this long, we had to be doing something right.
> 
> This is a situation that can happen to anyone and the fact that we are a young couple, doesn't mean it happened because i am naive or inexperienced. I am looking for advice and insight from those who are more experienced. Maybe so i can gain some perspective and understand how to asses this situation.
> 
> Could you elaborate more?


I only, partly read your first post in this thread and your answer to my rather blunt post. 

I don't mean any desrespect but don't have the time and attention span to do anything more. Simply put, I am not at a comfortable stage in my life these days. May be I shouln't post but It may help.

From your first post, I picked up that you grew up with good parenting provided to you (excuse my expression, english is not my native language either.). AND your wife had the opposite. It is not her fault but she is damaged now. 

You value the people in your life, especially when you consider them your family, like your wife. It doesn't matter how long have you been with her. When you take her under your wings it feels like it is life long. It is sometimes an Illusion in your part when girl comes from a different back ground and living in a parallel but in a different than yours reality. It ends up really bad for you and for the girl actually.

I was different when I was 24 compared to 18 and different again when I was 29 and much different when I was 35. Now I am 49. That's what I mean when I say you are too young. You are going to change. It is about you, not her. Well she will change a lot too.

*Hey..... I was trying to edit my last sentence then I remembered that you are just 24. Don't give me I am mature and experienced thing. Your 30 years old version would kick you in the but and tell you to be smart. You are lucky, you had to experience young and without kids. *

She is not good for you and you are not for her, in long term. You are not a couple. Quit.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

sad_alex said:


> Hey philly,
> 
> I have felt this way aswell, at times i dont even feel like i should call or pursue her anymore. If i keep calling, id be playing her game, which i dont want to be a part of. However by not calling and ignoring her, i would also be playing games?


Only if you are doing it to spite or punish her. If you are truly working on not allowing, condoning or enabling this type of behavior and fixing your own shortcomings you are not playing a game.


----------



## SweetAndSour

Hey alex,

I had a fast reading of your previous posts.

I don't care if you are legally married. This is a post teenager girlfriend/boyfriend issue. 

You need the experience and grow out of it but please.... it is not like dealing with more serious reallife relationship problems like being together for 15-20 years with young kids and suddenly wife or husband leaving home.

Just learn from your experience and move on. Otherwise you are setting your self up for a harder future. You've been lurking in this forum for a while right ? read and learn.


----------



## SweetAndSour

Also have yourself checked by a psyhologist or psychiatrist. Don't take it hard. A councellor would wastly improve my life especially during my hard times, probably yours too


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

sad_alex said:


> MIL is obviously hurt, as her relationship was also of 7 years with this man. I know for sure she would not support her daughter if she knew there was OM in the picture, or give her advice to leave for another man.


I know we can only speculate until she tells you something,, but I'm thinking that's at the crux of it.

A 'bitter' mom,, the only staple for her daughter., has a lot of influence.

As we see here all the time, it's easier to give advice than to act on it.

Ripe from a fresh kicking, it's not hard to envisage mom telling her, "Don't put up with what I did. You'll regret it. Get out while you're young." after your wife got upset over the party incident.

As you say. She'd be more helpful if it were an OM.

Whatever it is, you need to find out. There's nowt worse than being in limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Sad_Alex:

my thoughts:

-- good for you for emptying out the joint account (i.e. right now this is all $$ earned by you...correct?). if she can't talk with you then you shouldn't be supporting her.

-- I think you should maintain reasonable effort to contact her, but don't do anything extraordinary. the communication problem is currently all on her.

-- if you do get through to her I thinkl you might apologize for not giving her the option of staying at your family gathering, even though you also have the right to ask her not to discuss your mariutal issues with her friends, if you don't like that.

-- you might also mention to her that you don't understand why she would end the marriage over a single fight. You might even ask her if there is someone else.

notice how I use the qualifier 'might' on all the above. Her behavior seems pretty strange and she sounds quiter unstable - you're a much better judge than any of us on her reactions.

one more question

-- South America is a very diverse place/population: european, African, native. would you say you are both from the same "sub-culture" for lack of a better term? e.g. do you both come from similar family incomes, ancestries? both from the same country?


----------



## NaturalHeart

Alex,

I think you need to focus on getting back to being that lively friendly social person that had friends you use to be. I'm not saying hang out like a single bachelor... but somewhere you lost yourself. I think you being the FIX THINGS person you are made you distant yourself from friends because of ?MAYBE? her insecurities.... But never change yourself and distant yourself to the point that you start doubting you and losing confidence... it almost sounds as if you were depressed. I think you both need to look into counseling and maybe she can address her abandonment issues, insecurities and shut down stone walling behavior. You need to focus on why you have to try to make everything right and fix things to the point that you have come far from the person you use to be... 

Best of Blessings on your situation...


----------



## OldWolf57

7 years of togetherness. No infidelity either way. No physical abuse.
Get along really well with her mom and family.

Yeah she may feel uncomfortable around your family, but this seem more "I got married to soon after being around guys in class" to me.

And say what you will, but mom knows him and what type of person he is. So no excuse for her. This is her 2nd rodeo, but she knows what type of man Alex is. There is no excuse for mom not to reach out.

Alex, if you want to take the bull by the horns, go to the school and do a little snooping when she takes her lunch break, and if you just happened to see her sitting with some guy, don't approach, just let her see you and walk away. You will have your answers.

Yeah she may feel uncomfortable around your family, but after 7 years, that has changed to dislike. Go back and read her txt to the friend. She's a closed book, and your only clue was the dressing better

And yeah I'm jaded, but if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quack like a duck, then it's a damn duck.


----------



## LongWalk

Did you get her cell phone records?


----------



## sad_alex

And there it is. I got a phone call from her.
Long story short, she needs time by herself. Her reason: She doesn't want to be depending on me so much and want to be on her own.

Im not feeling too well, i will head for the gym so i can calm down a little and clear my thoughts. Ill be posting all the details of how the conversation went down, and reply to everyone as soon as i get back.


----------



## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: Wife erased me out of her life*



sad_alex said:


> And there it is. I got a phone call from her.
> Long story short, she needs time by herself. Her reason: She doesn't want to be depending on me so much and want to be on her own.
> 
> Im not feeling too well, i will head for the gym so i can calm down a little and clear my thoughts. Ill be posting all the details of how the conversation went down, and reply to everyone as soon as i get back.


I smell a rat.


----------



## Nucking Futs

She may not be actively cheating but I bet she's reaching for that next branch.


----------



## anchorwatch

Use the gym! It works...


----------



## happyman64

sad_alex said:


> And there it is. I got a phone call from her.
> Long story short, she needs time by herself. Her reason: She doesn't want to be depending on me so much and want to be on her own.
> 
> Im not feeling too well, i will head for the gym so i can calm down a little and clear my thoughts. Ill be posting all the details of how the conversation went down, and reply to everyone as soon as i get back.


Very sad for you SA.

Do you think she is telling you the truth?


----------



## 6301

In order for you to work this out, both you and her have to want it. 

The problem you have is your the only one right now whose ready to talk and straighten out. You can't force her to talk and by calling or going to see her will only push her away further.

It seems like she want out of the marriage and if it were me, I wouldn't make any contact with her. If you must do anything, then do what you need to do to improve yourself and not worry about her. That message she sent you about moving on and finding someone to make you happy? I would reply to that and let her know that your doing just that and wish her good luck in the future. 

Then maybe she'll realize that she might have bit off more than she could chew and let her do the worrying for a change. Truth be told the girl needs some growing up to do.


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> And there it is. I got a phone call from her.
> Long story short, she needs time by herself. Her reason: She doesn't want to be depending on me so much and want to be on her own.
> 
> Im not feeling too well, i will head for the gym so i can calm down a little and clear my thoughts. Ill be posting all the details of how the conversation went down, and reply to everyone as soon as i get back.


In other words, she needs "space".

Sooo... I guess at this point, we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop...?

Gird your loins and pucker up, Alex. You're about to get some devastating news.


----------



## PreRaphaelite

Yes I agree with the others OP. An affair or a desire to stray is most likely part of this decision.


----------



## sad_alex

Hello, thanks for all of the advice.

I did lots of exercise and im feeling a lot better, its like all of the bad feelings were washed away. 

Heres how the conversation went down. (she called me)

At first, she started talking about usual random stuff not related to the incident (ice breaker?), I was a little distant and cold, with short answers and i kept my self from saying too much. I let her do most of the talking and i was listening. The finally she touched the subject:
She said she would like some time apart, that her whole life she had been dependant on her mother, and then she passed to being dependant on me. She said she needs to be on her own to grow as a person and become more independent. (i agree with her on this, she could be more independent). 
She said she had been thinking about this for a while now. She admitted that the way she handled things and left was wrong, and that she was sorry. That she did not mean to say i was the worse thing that happened to her, and that she over reacted. She also said this could help us grow as a couple, and we could have a better life in the future. I asked her if she wanted to get divorced, she said she didn't want one. Then i asked if she was interested in someone else, or if she would be dating anyone. She said that since she had been with me since she was so young, she has never been on her own, and she wants to experience what that is like, however she did say she was not interested in anyone else, and that it would kill her to see my dating someone else. She said was going to remain faithful. 

Finally, i told her i loved her, and i would let her do her thing, that i would not be waiting for her to return whenever she felt like it. I said i would start moving on. I said that when she decided to come back to our marriage, i might have already moved on. I told her i wished her the best, and that she could find happiness or whatever she was looking for. (i could feel a little bit of sadness in her tone when i told her this.)

During the whole conversation i kept a regular tone and showed no emotion, even though i was dying inside. Our 7 year relationship seems to be coming to an end.

I have no evidence or anything pointing towards infidelity or any other man, but i know this could be a red flag. 

Its hard to pretend im okay, when inside i feel like everything we built together is starting to crumble. 

My best option right now, would be to go no contact and start moving on. I am reading on the 180 list. I will detach and stick to it, not to win her back, but to move on and stay strong.


----------



## sad_alex

happyman64 said:


> Very sad for you SA.
> 
> Do you think she is telling you the truth?


Hey Happyman,

I hope she is. Right now all i can do is work on myself.

I cant assume there is any infidelity or anything shady going on, just yet. I will give her the benefit of the doubt. For all i know she might really need this time to grow as a person and become independent. I see why she could feel this way and i agree that she does need to be more self sufficient.

Lets hope for the best, right now ill stick to the 180 and go dark. 
Ill keep my eyes open for any red flags. I could also use this time apart and become less co-dependant and work on my social skills, as they have had a hit in the last few years.


----------



## sad_alex

GusPolinski said:


> In other words, she needs "space".
> 
> Sooo... I guess at this point, we're all waiting for the other shoe to drop...?
> 
> Gird your loins and pucker up, Alex. You're about to get some devastating news.


Lets hope not.


----------



## the guy

You did great...really really great.

She now has to think about what she is about to lose and will second guess her self.

You have now planted the seed in getting her to think twice about her choices.

Well done sir, well done!


----------



## sad_alex

6301 said:


> It seems like she want out of the marriage and if it were me, I wouldn't make any contact with her. If you must do anything, then do what you need to do to improve yourself and not worry about her.


I will stick to this plan. I think this is good advice. Tomorrow i will separate some time just for myself so i can be "free", go to a shopping center and get some new clothes, maybe initiate conversations or small talk with strangers and see how it goes.
Just work on myself overall. I feel its been a while since i gave myself a treat. I might have spent a lot of time putting my wife's needs over mine.


----------



## the guy

Here's what I would do, ignore her calls or text (if she tries to contact you) for the next few days, then come Friday night or Saturday night return her calls.

In the event she never contacts you then you do the same and go have fun this weekend....cuz she will!


----------



## GusPolinski

Let's boil this down a bit...



sad_alex said:


> Then i asked if she was interested in someone else, or if she would be dating anyone. She said that since she had been with me since she was so young, she has never been on her own, and she wants to experience what that is like...


So, in short, yes.



sad_alex said:


> ...however she did say she was not interested in anyone else...


She's lying.




sad_alex said:


> ...and that it would kill her to see my dating someone else.


That's probably true, but only because it would mean that it wouldn't be as likely that she'd be to be able to come back to you once she's had her "fun". In other words, she wants to keep you on the hook in case her "fun" doesn't pan out.



sad_alex said:


> She said was going to remain faithful.


Another lie.



sad_alex said:


> Finally, i told her i loved her, and i would let her do her thing, that i would not be waiting for her to return whenever she felt like it. I said i would start moving on. I said that when she decided to come back to our marriage, i might have already moved on. I told her i wished her the best, and that she could find happiness or whatever she was looking for. (i could feel a little bit of sadness in her tone when i told her this.)


Other than your use of "might have", I'd say that you did pretty well. Any "sadness" that you sensed was her realizing that she doesn't have her claws in you quite as deeply as she'd hoped.



sad_alex said:


> During the whole conversation i kept a regular tone and showed no emotion, even though i was dying inside. Our 7 year relationship seems to be coming to an end.


Yep. Sorry, man.



sad_alex said:


> I have no evidence or anything pointing towards infidelity or any other man, but i know this could be a red flag.
> 
> Its hard to pretend im okay, when inside i feel like everything we built together is starting to crumble.


More red flags than a Chinese pep rally.



sad_alex said:


> My best option right now, would be to go no contact and start moving on. I am reading on the 180 list. I will detach and stick to it, not to win her back, but to move on and stay strong.


Yes!


----------



## GusPolinski

the guy said:


> Here's what I would do, ignore her calls or text (if she tries to contact you) for the next few days, then come Friday night or Saturday night return her calls.
> 
> In the event she never contacts you then you do the same and go have fun this weekend....cuz she will!


I wouldn't answer or return any of her calls unless I were out and about and/or had plenty of friends (at least some of them female) nearby making at least some noise.


----------



## EleGirl

sad_alex said:


> I will stick to this plan. I think this is good advice. Tomorrow i will separate some time just for myself so i can be "free", go to a shopping center and get some new clothes, maybe initiate conversations or small talk with strangers and see how it goes.
> Just work on myself overall. I feel its been a while since i gave myself a treat. I might have spent a lot of time putting my wife's needs over mine.


It's good that you talked to her. You have a much clearer picture of what is going on. Have you told your family? It's time for that.

How hard is it to get a divorce where you live?


----------



## the guy

GusPolinski said:


> More red flags than a Chinese pep rally.


:lol::rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Flying_Dutchman

Well you seem to believe her and you know her best so,,,

- B+

I would've told her I was gonna give myself at least 3 months of singledom. Relieves pressure on her. Avoids the temptation of rebound/revenge sex with incompatible types.

Otherwise, pretty good job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

Hey Alex, quick question... your wife is aware that she's now on the hook for her own tuition and expenses, right?


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## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> Hey Alex, quick question... your wife is aware that she's now on the hook for her own tuition and expenses, right?


Oh [email protected] yes she better.


----------



## EleGirl

GusPolinski said:


> Hey Alex, quick question... your wife is aware that she's now on the hook for her own tuition and expenses, right?


This is why I mentioned divorce earlier. I can see her trying to get money out of him while she tries out her 'independence'.

They can always re-marry if they want down the road.


----------



## tom67

EleGirl said:


> This is why I mentioned divorce earlier. I can see her trying to get money out of him while she tries out her 'independence'.
> 
> They can always re-marry if they want down the road.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
Sad do not fund that file asap if she comes back crawling then maybe otherwise get a PI to confirm your suspicions or again just file.


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## PreRaphaelite

I think you did very well, but you must follow through with what you said: do not wait for her, do not hope for her to come back. Start moving on and make a new life for yourself--without her.

She has chosen to leave the marriage, at least long enough for her to explore life on her own. She has said very clearly that she wants to explore options, and if that doesn't mean other love interests I don't know what does. She's basically said it straight up: she wants to try other guys. 

Move on. Leave her be. Make up your own mind about what you want to do and to decide whether or not you want to stay married to a woman that has expressed her feelings pretty clearly. And as Elegirl said, she's on her own now. You aren't her provider any more.


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## OldWolf57

Alex, sorry man. You deserve better. 

You now need to file. That way you are giving her the time it takes for the D to go thru, and you are way ahead of the torture of removing her from your life WHEN you find out she is seeing someone.
I like the "this could be good for your relationship." She learns some new tricks from him, and use them on you.

Alex if you file, don't tell her, just do it. When she calls, say we can marry again if I EVER feel I can trust you again. End it saying you now know why she started dressing better for school and end it there. If she hasn't cheated, good for her, but the urge is strong enough for her to separate and risk her marriage.

Going dark and 180 is OK, but still limbo, that's why I say file.
Gus is one of the most levelheaded ones here, pay attention to his posts.
Also, it's pass time you did some detective work.

Good luck and wish you the best.


----------



## italianjob

I'm sorry alex, I think there is someone else.

She wants space to either start or continue to "test drive" another man. The psycho babble talk you described is quite typical.

I think you need to file so you won't be financing her "experimenations" with OM. You can always stop proceedings or remarry later if you really want it.

Good luck.


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## LongWalk

Agree with Gus. She has OM in mind if she has not already cheated.

Did you get the cell phone records?

Cut off all money and file for divorce. If she loves you, she'll pound on the door.


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## PreRaphaelite

"I need space to find myself/grow as a person" is Modern Woman-Speak for "I want to find myself in X's bed."

Unfortunately.


----------



## Chaparral

Can't you check your phone bill online?

She may not be cheating..............but she has one or two in mind at school. I expect she will be out partying very soon.


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## Chaparral

Is her best friend single?


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## Lostinthought61

Alex please please tell me your not going to continue to support her, after all independence is independence....its not your job to support her why she is finding herself...and i am with Gus, she will not remain faithful....you should do this draw up formal separation papers that you can print out and send them to her so she knows you mean business....and i would also add in there a stipulation that if adultery occurs you will move towards divorce immediately. in this manner you are basically telling her to put on her big girl pants


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## Squeakr

I question the whole "time to be on my own and find myself" BS. There is more here than she is letting on (be it just wanting a divorce but not ready to let go or the worst thing you can imagine, adultery).
She really is hiding something here regarding her feelings, needs, wants,, desires, etc.

If she is staying at her Mom's again, then she is back under her roof, something she said she wanted to get away from. Since she doesn't work and goes to school full time, she is not really going to be on her own unless she moves into the school housing and is fully responsible for all her expenses, otherwise all she is really saying is that she wants time to sample the goods of others (whether that just be dating or full fledged intercourse and relationships).

I would just recommend that you D and move one, rather than let her have her hall pass. Even if she isn't cheating now, she will be dating to an extent at some point, at the bare minimum(seems you have never discussed what being faithful in her opinion is, as she used that phrasing, I would want to know). Thank about if she doesn't date or see others and just lives her life at her Mom's house, decides the M is what she wants and comes back. How long is it going to take before she resents that time and not getting to play the field and wants to take time away yet again. Until she finds herself she is not really into the M, so D is probably the best route at this time, unless you are willing to just idly sit by until she decides what it is that she actually wants.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

> She said that since she had been with me since she was so young, she has never been on her own, and she wants to experience what that is like,


 See this I understand. I can believe this after you noted her home life. Unfortunately, she immediately destroyed this belief with the second part.



> however she did say she was not interested in anyone else, and that it would kill her to see my dating someone else. She said was going to remain faithful.


Ah yes, the "wait for me, I'll be faithful" speech. Personally, I'd be brutally honest and have her served. If she wants to be independent, she can do it 100%.


----------



## Chaparral

Google seven year itch


----------



## G.J.

Squeakr said:


> If she is staying at her Mom's again, then she is back under her roof, something she said she wanted to get away from.


:scratchhead:


----------



## sad_alex

EleGirl said:


> It's good that you talked to her. You have a much clearer picture of what is going on. Have you told your family? It's time for that.
> 
> How hard is it to get a divorce where you live?


I have told my parents that we are in a rough patch, that we might end up separating. They have been supportive and invited me over on sunday to spend some family time and talk about the whole situation.


Its fairly easy. In fact, since we have no children, if i were to file for divorce, and we both agreed and did our respective paperwork with our lawyers, we could go to the notary and be legally divorced in 2 months.


----------



## sad_alex

Hello everyone, 

I would to thank you all for helping me out and posting lots of advice. I feel rude not replying to each and every single one of you, but theres so many posts, that i will try to answer every one of you, here in a single post.

*Guspolinski*: Thanks for the advice and insight. I really want to believe her. I really do. I want to believe that she needs this time to grow, but deep down im aware that what you posted is more likely to be the truth.

*Chaparral and LongWalk:* I googled the 7 year itch syndrome, its an interesting read. Could it be a horrible coincidence? or is this proven to be a fact? If she felt the itch, why didn't i feel it as well?

Yes her best friend is single, she has been single these 7 years ive known her, and as far as i know, she is a "good girl" (?). She is a childhood friend of my wife, and they were always the "nerd" type, not to get in trouble, and study a lot type of girls. However i did notice she likes to party a lot, and since me and my wife got married so young, she never got to do the whole party thing.

I could not find any phone records online, at least havent found the way to access these. Im not so much worried by anything i could find regarding her phone as she does not text much, and she is not secretive with her phone. She always left it around on the bed, i took her phone at times to make calls when my phone was out of range, and she never seemed nervous or bothered as if she had something to hide. I never saw her get any strange calls or act strange with her phone.

*Italianjob:* If she wants to test drive other men, then theres not much i can do about it. One thing that confuses me is that i know the type of men she's physically attracted to. She has said it herself. I am more of a "rocker" kind of guy, i have long hair, im in good shape, exercise and gym 4 days a week, take care of my diet. i know she is very attracted to me physically. (WARNING TMI AHEAD) As she would some times greet me by attacking me in a sexual way. Id say we both have a high drive and it has been to a point that i would describe our sex life as great. She has said herself that she is not attracted to the typical "loser party dude" or those "fraternity boys" that takes around 90% of the men of the school she goes to.

*Old Wolf and Raphaelite:* I know i will have to stick with what i said, it will be hard, it is easier said than done. Wouldn't detective work be a little counter productive? If my goal is to detach, forget about her, move on with my life. I dont think i should be snooping around. If she wants to cheat she will cheat and i cant stop her.

*Xenote, Gus, *(and others that asked this)*: I am not paying for her, or funding her in any way at the moment. Our joint account is empty, and her studies are paid by her scholarship, so there is no debt there. 

*The Guy*: As you said "she will have some fun this weekend", i should try to have some fun myself. There is a concert planned for this saturday, i was planning on taking her, but i will go by myself and it will be a blast. On sunday i will be at my parent house, as they invited me over for lunch. All i need is some plans for friday and im all set!

*Squeakr:* I dont know how much "time" she plans on taking. 1 month? 2 or 6? And i also dont know if she will be staying with her mother. She could move in with a roommate, a friend, OM (if there is any), i dont really know what her plan for independence is.

*(i forgot who asked this, sorry)*: We are both from the same country and ethnicity. I dont want to be pompous, but economically speaking, my family could be considered a "middle-higher class", while her family would be "middle-lower class" (since MIL had to struggle as a single mom). She is a more religious type, i am not very religious.


*PS:* Guspolinski, You write with many idioms and slangs, i know some of these, and the ones i dont understand i can usually google or get out of the context. I couldnt find anything regarding "More red flags than a Chinese pep rally". Its been bothering me to not know what this means.


----------



## LongWalk

Gus was a famous polka musician who disliked Communism.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Almost worse than a communist that also likes polka music!!


----------



## Iver

"More red flags than a Chinese pep rally"

A "red flag" is slang for a warning. 

e.g. finding a special texting app on a spouses phone can be called a red flag for signs of cheating.


----------



## sad_alex

Iver said:


> "More red flags than a Chinese pep rally"
> 
> A "red flag" is slang for a warning.
> 
> e.g. finding a special texting app on a spouses phone can be called a red flag for signs of cheating.


Thanks, 
I know what a red flag is, i dont know what a Chinese pep rally is. 
Google didnt help much either.


----------



## snerg

sad_alex said:


> Thanks,
> I know what a red flag is, i dont know what a Chinese pep rally is.
> Google didnt help much either.


China's flag is all red with 5 gold stars.

A pep rally is where people come together to cheer something on (a game, a match, a school event)
People waive their flag at a pep rally.

All the flags would be red - so there would be a lot of red flags being waived at a Chinese pep rally.


----------



## GusPolinski

snerg said:


> China's flag is all red with 5 gold stars.
> 
> A pep rally is where people come together to cheer something on (a game, a match, a school event)
> People waive their flag at a pep rally.
> 
> All the flags would be red - so there would be a lot of red flags being waived at a Chinese pep rally.


Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding


----------



## nuclearnightmare

sad_alex said:


> I have told my parents that we are in a rough patch, that we might end up separating. They have been supportive and invited me over on sunday to spend some family time and talk about the whole situation.
> 
> 
> *Its fairly easy*. In fact, since *we have no children,* if i were to file for divorce, and we both agreed and did our respective paperwork with our lawyers, *we could go to the notary and be legally divorced in 2 months*.



Alex - 

see bolded above. it is sad when a 7 year relationship comes to an end. but you also are VERY lucky. a 7 year relationship can quickly (seemingly) become 20 years, 25, 30 - plus affected children - plus complicated finances and adversarial and expensive divorce proceedings. which amounts to more than 'sad' -- 'catastrophy' then becomes the better word. you have avoided ALL of that! and you're still in your 20s!

your wife is immature, naive (22 is not a child BTW). not sure it matters if there is anyone else. what matters is that you CUT YOUR LOSSES by getting out now! you must do that - OMG she is not even close to wife or mother material (not at this point in her life). get out while the getting out is easy....as you say


----------



## manfromlamancha

Hi Alex and sorry you are here.

It seems to me that there are a number of factors at play here that contributed to her actions (not just one):


She is immature. Whoever said earlier that you were immature is wrong I think. You have been surprisingly mature for your age - wish all young men could hold a job down and support a wife who is a full time student. She on the other hand is behaving like a spoiled entitled brat! I am not even sure that she knows what she wants. She seems to know what she doesn't want and that is a stable marriage.

She is young. This is linked to the previous point. Perhaps you guys married too soon and too young. They say that ladies mature faster than gents - this might not be the case here and she certainly doesn't seem to have gained a lot of maturity or formed a solid backbone/moral fibre. She wants to have her cake and eat it at the same time. Financial stability and support, while freedom to run around.

She comes from a troubled and abusive background and doesn't know the meaning of love or commitment. This has in turn made her more of a selfish entitled person who believes its all about her, her, her! I do not believe that she knows what love is yet.

She is looking to exit the marriage as she comes to the end of her studies. This sounds like it was in her plans a long time ago and now the time for exiting is near, she did what she did. Very deceitful and disrespectful. I think she definitely left her app open to start the process/fight and when you took her home and returned to the party, she used it not only as justification but also as a perfect opportunity to pack and leave. The fact that she could pack that quickly and leave tells me that she had prepared herself for this. Very premeditated and falsely justified in her mind.

She almost certainly has at the very least, been surveying the field for other sources of "fun" including other men. Maybe she has acted on it already. This sort of thing normally gives them the the courage and impetus to leave. Even if she hasn't already, she is going to do this almost certainly. Its going to be a real gut punch if you are not prepared and ready for it, and even then it will be very tough on you. Not so much for her, as she will be high on her new drug.

Her only sadness at you moving on will be the loss of her perceived safety net/Plan B. She seems to have detached herself from you. I have always found relationships like this where the wife is a student and the husband is a working man dangerous. The reason is that as a student, you seem to be shielded from the realities of real life and you tend to live in a fantasy world where you have a lot of "fun". So when comparing you to potential males she may have met while studying, you would come off as boring, controlling, and less attractive.

You said that you trusted her because she knew how to behave and observe boundaries etc. - I think she knew what you and others expected her to do and how you and others expected her to behave, so she became the perfect actress. This may have been far from how she wanted to behave and probably behaved, when she knew no one that she knew could see her. And she knew you "trusted" her which made it even easier.

She has to fall really hard in order for her to realise what reality is and you should make sure that happens when it comes to supporting herself and maybe even a loser boyfriend in future.

Her separation is a chance for her to do whatever she wants and she is telling you that (unlike many other wives here who didn't). She is calling it a separation so that she still has you as a backup.


You need to now


Accept that she is gone and will be up to no good as long as she is gone.

Do not make life easy for her in any way.

Do not believe a single word she says - verify for yourself even if she tells you that the sun is yellow and the sky is blue.

Let her actions speak louder than her words. If she expresses any remorse (which sounds unlikely at this stage) let her show you in actions not words.

Protect yourself financially, heal your self (do the 180 and get physically fit) and start building a life for yourself without her.

Thank God a thousand times that you didn't have any kids together.


----------



## GusPolinski

^This^ ^post^ is a f*cking GOLD MINE.


----------



## LongWalk

If you browse TAM threads, you will find that there is support for reconciliation, especially when children are involved. Some relationships have a deep connection that though harmed are worth salvaging.

Sadly (or fortunately) yours does not fit in this category. Even if your WAW should approach you seeking R, you should be deeply skeptical of such a offer. She sounds as if she must go through considerable troubles before she matures if she ever does.

You are lucky to be quit of her.

WantWifeBack has a thread simliar to yours. Young wife walks away (looking to party and try strange). Eventually she came back and wanted to cancel the divorce and try again, but by that time WWB was not going to fall for it.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Hmm, a few guesses.

1. She did try and play the role of a wife, but she is mentally unstable and could not hold the facade for long. It is only a role after all. 

2. She used you to escape her life. You presented something stable, and she figure it is what she wants. But her past issues keep her from maturing. She is damaged goods.

3. She just outright used you for the stability until she thinks she can land on her feet. Now that she is almost done with school, she does not need your support no more. If she has any debt, you, partially, will be responsible for about half of it. After all, it was incurred during the marriage.

Now she claims she wants her space and explore life. She probably thinks you will stick around for her. After all, you are loyal and dependable. If she finds a more successful man while out there, then she deserves to be happy. Maybe she will find better, maybe she won't. The point is, if she likes life without you, she is gone. If things don't turn out the way she wants, she will come running back to you.


----------



## sad_alex

manfromlamancha said:


> Hi Alex and sorry you are here.
> 
> You need to now
> 
> 
> Accept that she is gone and will be up to no good as long as she is gone.
> 
> Do not make life easy for her in any way.
> 
> Do not believe a single word she says - verify for yourself even if she tells you that the sun is yellow and the sky is blue.
> 
> Let her actions speak louder than her words. If she expresses any remorse (which sounds unlikely at this stage) let her show you in actions not words.
> 
> Protect yourself financially, heal your self (do the 180 and get physically fit) and start building a life for yourself without her.
> 
> Thank God a thousand times that you didn't have any kids together.


Thanks alot Manfromlamancha,

This post does clear alot of things up. I think you are spot on. I will print this bit out and paste it some place where i can read it everyday.


----------



## sad_alex

nuclearnightmare said:


> Alex -
> 
> see bolded above. it is sad when a 7 year relationship comes to an end. but you also are VERY lucky. a 7 year relationship can quickly (seemingly) become 20 years, 25, 30 - plus affected children - plus complicated finances and adversarial and expensive divorce proceedings. which amounts to more than 'sad' -- 'catastrophy' then becomes the better word. you have avoided ALL of that! and you're still in your 20s!
> 
> your wife is immature, naive (22 is not a child BTW). not sure it matters if there is anyone else. what matters is that you CUT YOUR LOSSES by getting out now! you must do that - OMG she is not even close to wife or mother material (not at this point in her life). get out while the getting out is easy....as you say


You are right, i am lucky. This could have happened in 10 years when we had children. I know we both have a lot of growing to do, and maybe being alone is the best choice right now. I can focus on work and myself. Thanks for the advice, i appreciate it.


----------



## sad_alex

Update: 

Today was a little rough, im usually in control of my emotions, but i cant help it, i feel angry at her. Im starting to resent that fact that ive always been there for her, i always tried to give and satisfy all of her needs. I was offered a nice job/internship opportunity in the States at some point, and i turned it down because i couldn't leave the country and leave her stranded by herself. I could be being selfish, but i think ive done so much for her and our marriage, putting our relationship and her happiness as a priority, and so far it only got her to leave me 7 years down the lane. 
She is the one that should be posting on these threads, on how to save her marriage, on how we could make things work as a couple. But instead its me who has to deal with the rejection, the pain and the regret of choosing her as my wife.

Sorry for the rant. Im starting to miss her and the way things used to be. I know i have a ton of flaws, and she does as well, but i was happy with the way things were.

Edit: Oh, and what the hell could be going through her mind? Why would she want to sleep with other men? Why would she want to try other "goods"? I dont understand why she would leave. I know were not the same, but i dont give a rats ass about partying or having sex with other women. A lot of women here are feisty and they dont care if youre married. I know im not the most good looking guy, but ive had many opportunities and have been approached by women in this way. Yet i always chose my wife over these empty meaningless ONS.
It makes me angry to think ive put so much effort into our relationship, and she coould be out partying with these knucklehead fraternity boys that have nothing going on for their lives. 

Sorry if i offended anyone with my post, I dont mean to sound like an ***hole. I needed to vent and let go of these feelings.


----------



## happyman64

sad_alex

You have received some really great advice.

I met my wife when she was 17. Married her when she was 25. She was still a virgin by the way.

I am the only guy she has ever been intimate with.

She has never ever said to me that she needs time apart to grow.

Because she knows my answer and I have always made it clear.

You can either grow with me or without me.

You said the same thing in your own way.

The key is to stick with what you said. And do as you say.

Give her that time. She needs to grow up. The way she lef you and the marriage is clear evidence of that.

Sever all ties. End the marriage.

And the man is right. If she ever comes back do not make it easy for her to do so.

Your wife truly has no idea what she is losing. Do you realize how many women are out there that would want a man that is honest, loving, loyal and earns a living?????

I promise you this. If you go dark and give her the "space" she requires she will come to that realization a lot quicker than if you stay in the picture.

And I do believe that you will grow as well. And that growth might be the realization that you have now been given the opportunity to do "better" as well.

Always trade up my friend.

Glad you used your head and your balls.

HM


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> Update:
> 
> Today was a little rough, im usually in control of my emotions, but i cant help it, i feel angry at her. Im starting to resent that fact that ive always been there for her, i always tried to give and satisfy all of her needs. I was offered a nice job/internship opportunity in the States at some point, and i turned it down because i couldn't leave the country and leave her stranded by herself. I could be being selfish, but i think ive done so much for her and our marriage, putting our relationship and her happiness as a priority, and so far it only got her to leave me 7 years down the lane.
> She is the one that should be posting on these threads, on how to save her marriage, on how we could make things work as a couple. But instead its me who has to deal with the rejection, the pain and the regret of choosing her as my wife.
> 
> Sorry for the rant. Im starting to miss her and the way things used to be. I know i have a ton of flaws, and she does as well, but i was happy with the way things were.


Sorry man. 



sad_alex said:


> Edit: Oh, and what the hell could be going through her mind? Why would she want to sleep with other men? Why would she want to try other "goods"? I dont understand why she would leave. I know were not the same, but i dont give a rats ass about partying or having sex with other women. A lot of women here are feisty and they dont care if youre married. I know im not the most good looking guy, but ive had many opportunities and have been approached by women in this way. Yet i always chose my wife over these empty meaningless ONS.
> It makes me angry to think ive put so much effort into our relationship, and she coould be out partying with these knucklehead fraternity boys that have nothing going on for their lives.


Just a thought, but she may very well have a "friend" or two (or more) egging her on. These days it's considered "empowering" to hop from one bed to another... didn't you get the memo?

And yes, I'm being sarcastic. 



sad_alex said:


> Sorry if i offended anyone with my post, I dont mean to sound like an ***hole. I needed to vent and let go of these feelings.


Nah man, you're good. No worries.


----------



## Squeakr

sad_alex said:


> Update:
> 
> Today was a little rough, im usually in control of my emotions, but i cant help it, i feel angry at her. Im starting to resent that fact that ive always been there for her, i always tried to give and satisfy all of her needs. I was offered a nice job/internship opportunity in the States at some point, and i turned it down because i couldn't leave the country and leave her stranded by herself. I could be being selfish, but i think ive done so much for her and our marriage, putting our relationship and her happiness as a priority, and so far it only got her to leave me 7 years down the lane.
> She is the one that should be posting on these threads, on how to save her marriage, on how we could make things work as a couple. But instead its me who has to deal with the rejection, the pain and the regret of choosing her as my wife.
> 
> Sorry for the rant. Im starting to miss her and the way things used to be. I know i have a ton of flaws, and she does as well, but i was happy with the way things were.
> 
> Edit: Oh, and what the hell could be going through her mind? Why would she want to sleep with other men? Why would she want to try other "goods"? I dont understand why she would leave. I know were not the same, but i dont give a rats ass about partying or having sex with other women. A lot of women here are feisty and they dont care if youre married. I know im not the most good looking guy, but ive had many opportunities and have been approached by women in this way. Yet i always chose my wife over these empty meaningless ONS.
> It makes me angry to think ive put so much effort into our relationship, and she coould be out partying with these knucklehead fraternity boys that have nothing going on for their lives.
> 
> Sorry if i offended anyone with my post, I dont mean to sound like an ***hole. I needed to vent and let go of these feelings.


Don't feel bad or ashamed. Lots of us have been there before and know what you are feeling, experiencing, thinking, and golng through. There is no shame to be had in your actions. I too knew the longing for the old way things were, then the more I reflected on it, and thought about it, even though I thought I was happy I really was just content. I was not happy or sad just content, and obviously she was unhappy, so why would I ever fathom returning to situation. The more I thought about that the more I realized that things happened for the best and maybe now I have a true chance for happiness and she gets to live with her heinous decisions.

Think about the above when you are reflecting. Also know that there is no going back now. No matter what she is doing now (either completely innocent and trying to find herself or the wildest, kinkiest clown, midget affair sex that exists), your marriage is now forever changed and there is no returning to that same situation again. If it is to remain, it will have to change for the better and become stronger and grow healthier because that is what you both want, desire, and work for and it will NEVER be what it was (but like I said, why would you want it like before as it was broken. Be truthful to yourself and you will see this).


----------



## sad_alex

happyman64 said:


> sad_alex
> 
> You have received some really great advice.
> 
> I met my wife when she was 17. Married her when she was 25. She was still a virgin by the way.
> 
> I am the only guy she has ever been intimate with.
> 
> She has never ever said to me that she needs time apart to grow.
> 
> Because she knows my answer and I have always made it clear.
> 
> You can either grow with me or without me.
> 
> You said the same thing in your own way.
> 
> The key is to stick with what you said. And do as you say.
> 
> Give her that time. She needs to grow up. The way she lef you and the marriage is clear evidence of that.
> 
> Sever all ties. End the marriage.
> 
> And the man is right. If she ever comes back do not make it easy for her to do so.
> 
> Your wife truly has no idea what she is losing. Do you realize how many women are out there that would want a man that is honest, loving, loyal and earns a living?????
> 
> I promise you this. If you go dark and give her the "space" she requires she will come to that realization a lot quicker than if you stay in the picture.
> 
> And I do believe that you will grow as well. And that growth might be the realization that you have now been given the opportunity to do "better" as well.
> 
> Always trade up my friend.
> 
> Glad you used your head and your balls.
> 
> HM


Thanks HappyMan,

You are really down to earth and i could learn from that.
I truly wish you well in your marriage. By the way you say it, you and your wife must have a really good relationship.

In a way, maybe because i was brought up in a warm loving family, my perception for a marriage is what ive learned and seen from my parents. They have been married for 25 years and still going strong. I guess her background is different and a broken home is all she has for her point of view on relationships. This is not her fault. It does hurt me to consider it, but im thinking divorce might be best for both of us.


----------



## Squeakr

sad_alex said:


> In a way, maybe because i was brought up in a warm loving family, my perception for a marriage is what ive learned and seen from my parents.


We only know what we have learned and we model ourselves after what we were taught as a child and the environment we were raised in. Introspection will reveal this. I was brought up in a household with lots of love but little display of it or talk about it (yet we knew it was there). I know this caused numerous issues in my marriage as I though little display of affection was the norm, where she was expecting different due to her rearing.


----------



## sad_alex

Small Update:

I feel dumb for not seeing this. I connect the dots and it makes perfect sense. During the last few months when i noticed she was dressing better and getting pretty for school, i also noticed she had stopped wearing her ring. I asked her about it, and she said she had lost it during a lab. I thought nothing of this because she has a lot of fieldwork, and laboratory stuff, so she has to take her ring off for putting on gloves. she could have lost it since she has to take it off a lot. Now i look back and feel stupid. 

As Gus said: There are more red flags than a Chinese pep rally.


----------



## anchorwatch

She doesn't have the tools. She never learned them.


----------



## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> Small Update:
> 
> I feel dumb for not seeing this. I connect the dots and it makes perfect sense. During the last few months when i noticed she was dressing better and getting pretty for school, i also noticed she had stopped wearing her ring. I asked her about it, and she said she had lost it during a lab. I thought nothing of this because she has a lot of fieldwork, and laboratory stuff, so she has to take her ring off for putting on gloves. she could have lost it since she has to take it off a lot. Now i look back and feel stupid.
> 
> As Gus said: There are more red flags than a Chinese pep rally.




Stick w/ NC ("no contact"), keep up a solid 180, and file for separation/divorce. If possible, have her served in class.


----------



## Chaparral

sad_alex said:


> Update:
> 
> Today was a little rough, im usually in control of my emotions, but i cant help it, i feel angry at her. Im starting to resent that fact that ive always been there for her, i always tried to give and satisfy all of her needs. I was offered a nice job/internship opportunity in the States at some point, and i turned it down because i couldn't leave the country and leave her stranded by herself. I could be being selfish, but i think ive done so much for her and our marriage, putting our relationship and her happiness as a priority, and so far it only got her to leave me 7 years down the lane.
> She is the one that should be posting on these threads, on how to save her marriage, on how we could make things work as a couple. But instead its me who has to deal with the rejection, the pain and the regret of choosing her as my wife.
> 
> Sorry for the rant. Im starting to miss her and the way things used to be. I know i have a ton of flaws, and she does as well, but i was happy with the way things were.
> 
> Edit: Oh, and what the hell could be going through her mind? Why would she want to sleep with other men? Why would she want to try other "goods"? I dont understand why she would leave. I know were not the same, but i dont give a rats ass about partying or having sex with other women. A lot of women here are feisty and they dont care if youre married. I know im not the most good looking guy, but ive had many opportunities and have been approached by women in this way. Yet i always chose my wife over these empty meaningless ONS.
> It makes me angry to think ive put so much effort into our relationship, and she coould be out partying with these knucklehead fraternity boys that have nothing going on for their lives.
> 
> Sorry if i offended anyone with my post, I dont mean to sound like an ***hole. I needed to vent and let go of these feelings.


Try to be calm and take care of yourself. A good idea is to go to your doctor and explain what is going on. He can give you some temporary meds to help you through this.

Your wife has made a big mistake. This is a situation that has gotten out of hand. Give it a bit of time before you lose all hope of her coming back.

As a matter of fact, I would write her and tell her what a mistake you think this is, etc. Just never beg. cry or whine.

Read the MMSLP book. You can download it at amazon.com. You will probably be as shocked as most men to see how men are now being manipulated into a false sex of manhood.

I'm guessing/hoping she figures she has screwed up big time very soon.

I also disagree with all those that say you married to young. The only thing wrong with that is how many people convince people they are too young with out any facts to back up their position. Only in very recent(selfish) times has this even been an idea that has been given serious attention.

A study that came out a couple of years ago stated that the more experienced, i.e. more sexual partners a woman has, the more likely she is to cheat after she marries. Yes some people do blame not being able to run around a lot in their younger days for their cheating. Cheaters have more excuses than stars in the sky.

I think her being a student and seeing so many other young people not being married has had a negative effect. I also think she will always look back on this as the biggest mistake fo her life if she loses you.

Like I said, you might write her a letter expressing your feelings but then go dark on her. Tell her if she wants to be free that's her choice but that the pain is to much that you could ever be friends again.

Good luck and prayers

Chap


----------



## the guy

Your not stupid. The stupid ones are the ones that throw away a good thing.

How can you think you are stupid when the normal thing to do is trust and love.......Your wife is the stupid one.....she doesn't know how to trust and love and to top it off she doesn't know she is broken and will go thru life hurting and not understand that it is her and not others.

Not only is she stupid but she is also crazy.....going through life doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

For her the cycle of broken relationship after broken relationship continues....something she learned as a young girl.

Sir, it's not you....it's her!


----------



## manfromlamancha

Alex, of course its going to be rough. However, stick with the 180 (and please take a moment or two to truly understand the 180 and what it is meant to achieve) and you will soon not just be feeling better, but feeling good.

When you work on your mind with the 180 and work on your body in the gym, you will feel like a million bucks. You will find yourself detaching from your wife too. That's where you go back and look at John Travolta's strut in the opening scenes of Saturday Night Fever and go out and do your thing.

As for being an a$$hole, you are the furthest thing from that - maybe just a little too nice. So don't you worry about that.

And just remember three things:

You are better than her - in fact you are not just a good man but a great man!

There are plenty of fish in the sea - go find one that has some backbone and is hot too.

Thank your lucky stars that this happened when it did - before kids and heavy financial implications. Really!


----------



## happyman64

sad_alex said:


> Thanks HappyMan,
> 
> You are really down to earth and i could learn from that.
> I truly wish you well in your marriage. By the way you say it, you and your wife must have a really good relationship.
> 
> In a way, maybe because i was brought up in a warm loving family, my perception for a marriage is what ive learned and seen from my parents. They have been married for 25 years and still going strong. I guess her background is different and a broken home is all she has for her point of view on relationships. This is not her fault. It does hurt me to consider it, but im thinking divorce might be best for both of us.


My parents are married 54 years. My inlaws are married 51 years.

I have 3 siblings. None divorced. My wife has 3 siblings none divorced.

I truly understand where you are coming from.

But I have also learned that a marriage takes two. And divorce only takes one.

Your wife is being selfish now. She is only thinking of herself.

Sure she wants to be more independent. If she truly understood what love, vows and commitment are about she would understand that she can be the woman she wants to be while still married to you!

But again she is being selfish. She has lied to you. She admitted it by admitting why she truly left you.

She is no longer the woman you married.

The greatest gift you can give her is what she asks for her freedom.

The greatest consequence you can show her is what her life will be like without you in it.

The greatest goal you can set for yourself is that no matter what happens to your marriage that you will come out of this stronger, smarter and happier with yourself.

Now set those goals for yourself and attain them. Never look back. Only forward.

HM


----------



## IamSomebody

You've received some great advice, emotionally speaking. Don't be her Plan B in case her growth experimentation doesn't work out.

You *NEED* to go speak with an attorney now and find out what are your rights and what are your responsibilities. Will you be responsible for alimony? You said infidelity could be used against you so don't even date casually until the divorce is final. Once you speak with an attorney,and file for divorce, have all communication be through your attorney. Best way to handle that is to have your attorney send her written communication stating this. When she calls/texts, and you know she will, do not answer. Share these communications with your attorney, especially if they are nasty or threatening.

IamSomebody


----------



## Suspecting2014

She clearly is breaking with you in a very childish way, so be a man an file for d and move on.


----------



## Zouz

Alex ,

I think everything you are bad in doing are the characteristics of an intelligent human .

"A smart guy is one who knows that he knows nothing "

By coming to here and exerting all the efforts to analyze your issue is by itself what we call commitment, the thing that I doubt she has ...

the reason why some pople are successful in maintaining a marriage to earn a Golden ceremony or diamaond one is because they have something most spouses today don't have :" commitment " ; 
it is commitment to fix something rather than throwing it and buy a new one .

If you wife had this commitment and mature more than you , she would have at least waited for you to have a mature discussion where she explains her issues with you ; unless this happened 10 times and you didn't even listen .

In life Human tend to apply what they see or experience to others ...

From my personnel experience ; which was enriched in TAM during the last year more than my whole 43 years in real life ; I discovered that no matter what the name is- ( personality disorder ,Borderline Personality Disorder; etc...) - my wife has some personality disorder related to her childhood ; as a husband I paid the price ...


sit alone and really analyze it ; you don't need to defend yourself on TAM itself , It is you and yourself , alone .

If what you described is true about W , then she must be having some sort of PD related to her father ; 

briefly , no matter if he was dead, stayed alive or he is being a saint now ; 

she had a disconnection at early stage of her life realted to fear of loss as well as punishment rewarding system ; for her may be like my wife she assumes that a partner should give unconditional love , irrespective if she is putting any coin in the love bank account (give and take love account);

from her point of view maybe she is disappointed that you are not that man ; actually she will not realize that no husband can be her dad ; i.e no normal husband can give and give unconditionnaly unless he too have a self esteem problem and LD.

From the circumstances , I can see that she is geared to draw now new hopes for herself because she will be graduating soon ; which means she will be more powerful and more independent.

What also triggered her issues ; is that she is even hurt because your family is more united , or at least you had more than what she had : normal parents environment .

Now this is clear to me , irrespective that the lady is a good person or not ;I believe in every word I am saying ;I

will be more sure about it if the environment is a masculin environment and if society made her mom pay some price in the process of life.

Now , If you are an LD person, with self esteem average or below ; who can live and reach a day where intimacy means love passion for you and a duty for her , then think about chances ( if any ) to fix this marriage .

Otherwise , if you don't want to end up with few wonderful kids after 17-20 years ; that will make you stay and beg for love because she doesn't feel anything ; or her period emotionally spans 22 days in a month and argue about the sex of angels with you , you need in this case to throw the towel.

I had a friend who got a divorce 10 years back ; he told me that the main reason was that his wife refused to give him a BJ !
At that time I though oh him being a jerk ; his wife was a gorgeous reputable women ;and he is divorcing her just because she refused to give hin a selfish pleasure !

Overtime I understood his point though I have never seen him again :

-A spouse who can not sacrifice to please partner -(if reciprocal in giving) -even on minor issues will never put any coin in love bank account .

I am not talking about sex only , it is even when you get sick; will she be around or she will escape helping because you shouldnt have been fragile or human to get sick ?

You are young , divorce her ass; maybe she gets someone that suits her , an LD low esteem person , with similar childhood issues , then they can share feelings .

and get yourself a lady who in the screening process have never been abused ,left or OCD .


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Personally, I would not give her the time of day. I would focus on me, and move on. At least you know now that you need to date someone without too much baggage. Even if she comes running back to you during the divorce, I would not take it too seriously. It would take years for her to work on her issues, and in the end, your not sure if she will fully go through with transforming herself. Your young still, and take this as a learning experience.

In my personal case, my ex-fiance cheated on me with her ex. I broke up with her, took the time to heal, and have fun. I was able to be happy again not too long after. I realize that I would waste precious life and energy on someone who does not merit so. I learn to detach, and be content with myself. I return to my former self, playful, and flirty, plus a little wiser. Only stupid thing I did during the whole ordeal was telling her that I am happier without her, and became a better person. She did not take that well and took my stuff and sold it. Anyways, without me as an option, she had no choice but to return to her ex, where he emotionally abuse her again, and they broke up again. So after that she came fishing, but I blocked her on my phone, eventually got my number changed, moved to another state to finish college. The only reason why I was there was because I was in a relationship with her.

So remember, the more time and energy you give to her, the more power she has over your life. The more your life is given over to someone who does not deserve your precious life to give away. We are only alotted so much time.


----------



## Chaparral

Before this separation happened, did the two of you still go out on date nights? Did the two of you go out clubbing and drinking together?

Did either of you go out drinking or partying with friends by yourselves?

I agree with others who think this is mostly family of origin issues (FOO). 

Did you also go to college?


----------



## nuclearnightmare

OP your anger is justified. in the end she turned out to be a major dissapointment. In my experience feelings of resentment, anger and disrespect for a person will natuarally lead to detachment from them. which is what you want. So I wouldn't worry about such strong feelings.

not much disagreement here among those offering opinions. But I'd like to point out that regardless of her family background or anything else, you should resist any temptation to feel sorry for her. IMO if you need to say anything of substance to her in the near future simply point out how sorry you are to have wasted so much of your life with her. that should cover it


----------



## SweetAndSour

sad_alex said:


> Thanks HappyMan,
> 
> In a way, maybe because i was brought up in a warm loving family, my perception for a marriage is what ive learned and seen from my parents. They have been married for 25 years and still going strong.


Thats what made me feel like that I may have some insight in your case. I had the same background and my folks are still married for over 50 years.

We are very lucky that we have it. 

This makes us feel really easy (too easy) when we grow up and decide to form our own family.

If we are lucky, we mate with someone similar, everything goes as usual, We set another good example for our own kids without really knowing much about real world and that's it.

Or we meet and mate with someone different. Then we are valnurable. These days those different people look more like the norm and we are the exception.

You are still up to follow your parents footsteps. After this experience you should be able to build a stronger family than it wold be with your current ex girlfriend (yes ex and yes, barely a girlfiend) with a much suitable, better wife. 

You are not loosing anything. You don't know how lucky you are.


----------



## SweetAndSour

Alex,

You will miss her (or her false image in your head), you will cry some or a lot, depression will follow, Those are all expected from a healthy person in your situation, Just accept and live through it.


If we are sort of alike, I have I tiny detail I wanna share. You said you are a rocker type. You will start listening to music more and get depressed more but it will start to turn more recreational, fun and energyzing at some point as before. That's where you are moving on fine.

You lucky bastard.


----------



## SweetAndSour

Another common reaction which men show.

You will feel very high sexual attraction towards her these days. This is a common reaction that primate male have when there is a chance that their female may be open to other males. That's nature telling us to fertilise her more to have a better chance of becoming the only father. I've been through that and I f0cked my ex like crazy during those days. She did too for some other reason that I don't care any more.

You may have sex with her. It will feel really hot, like it is the best sex you ever had. Well it really is........ because all your hormones, related neurons are in full duty, It is not that your dinky old lady is the hottest woman on earth, it is your own brain that you are focking. It is all in your head. You should try it if you can, make sure she doesn't get pregnant. 

Take a note of your thoughts during your orgasm about her as much as you can. Then compare your thoughts about her later when sex is over. 

Best is, have sex with another (good) woman (after divorce) and try to think about your ex.

It is all primitive, cruel brain cemistry. Understand it, don't be a slave to it.


----------



## sad_alex

Thanks everyone for all the advice. To be honest i would be lost with out all this help im getting from all of you. You guys are the best!

Thankfully i was very busy with work today, so i had my mind busy most of the time. Its these small moments in between that get me all worked up thinking about all of this thats going on. 

I know alot of the posters have gone through the same thing, some have had it alot worse. I guess i am lucky. Its a little difficult, as a part of me want to stay and fight for our marriage. But another part just wants to let go.


----------



## sad_alex

the guy said:


> Your not stupid. The stupid ones are the ones that throw away a good thing.
> 
> How can you think you are stupid when the normal thing to do is trust and love.......Your wife is the stupid one.....she doesn't know how to trust and love and to top it off she doesn't know she is broken and will go thru life hurting and not understand that it is her and not others.
> 
> Not only is she stupid but she is also crazy.....going through life doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
> 
> For her the cycle of broken relationship after broken relationship continues....something she learned as a young girl.
> 
> Sir, it's not you....it's her!


Thanks, this does cheer me up a lot.


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## happyman64

sad_alex said:


> Its a little difficult, as a part of me want to stay and fight for our marriage. But another part just wants to let go.


Of course it is hard.

So let me point out a simple fact or two.

You did stay.

She left.

Of course you want to fight for your marriage. Perfectly natural.

But a marriage takes two people. Is two people.

Fighting for a marriage only works if both of you are fighting to save it.

She is not fighting it because she no longer wants it.

So you would be fighting a losing battle.

Think about it. Sure it hurts. Yes it sucks.

But in time you will heal. In time you will be great again.

HM


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## sad_alex

Chaparral said:


> Before this separation happened, did the two of you still go out on date nights? Did the two of you go out clubbing and drinking together?
> 
> Did either of you go out drinking or partying with friends by yourselves?
> 
> I agree with others who think this is mostly family of origin issues (FOO).
> 
> Did you also go to college?


We did go out on dates at least once a week, we went out to dinner on friday nights, on sundays we went to the shopping center, to get ice cream, to the cinema. I could tell she always had a great time, she was always reaching for holding my hand, giving me hugs and being very affectionate with me.

We never went out clubbing or drinking. Maybe occasionally we went to a bar like once a month or two, to have a few beers and listen to some music but thats it. I have never been into the party hardcore thing where people get drunk.

Neither of us went out drinking or partying with friends. looking back this is a big mistake. We pretty much didn't have any social life outside of our marriage. I cant remember the last time i ever went out with just guys to do guy stuff (its been years). And she hasnt gone out with her friends either as well. Its like we were both locked in the marriage. I never felt the need to go out and party or drink with my friends. Maybe she felt different.

Edit: Usually there is no such thing as College in most countries here in South America. People graduate from highschool, and they go straight to University for 4-5 years. So to answer your question. Yes i did finish my University studies around 3 and a half years ago at the age of 21. A few months after i graduated, we moved in together as i could work full time.

Also, its her birthday next thurday on the 11th. How should i proceed? I dont feel like getting her a gift, but if i call her or send her a message would it be wrong? The evil person in me just thought about getting her served with divorce papers on her birthday.


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## happyman64

> Neither of us went out drinking or partying with friends. looking back this is a big mistake. We pretty much didn't have any social life outside of our marriage. I cant remember the last time i ever went out with just guys to do guy stuff (its been years). And she hasnt gone out with her friends either as well. Its like we were both locked in the marriage. I never felt the need to go out and party or drink with my friends. Maybe she felt different.


This says a lot. But it is still not an excuse to dump your spouse and leave a marriage.

A mature, honest spouse would turn around and say "Lets shake it up and go out" or "I am going out with the girls tonight to have a few drinks and gossip".


SO you can look at all the "what ifs" Alex but in the end I think you could not have done anything different and she would still end up walking out the door.

I hope you are hanging out with family this weekend and getting some support???

HM


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## GusPolinski

sad_alex said:


> Also, its her birthday next thurday on the 11th. How should i proceed? I dont feel like getting her a gift, but if i call her or send her a message would it be wrong?


Don't say a damn thing to her. No calling. No texting. No e-mails. No calling her parents, dropping off cards, having flowers delivered, etc. Nothing.

Same for Christmas and New Year's.



sad_alex said:


> The evil person in me just thought about getting her served with divorce papers on her birthday.


Eh... maybe do it the next day.


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## sad_alex

happyman64 said:


> This says a lot. But it is still not an excuse to dump your spouse and leave a marriage.
> 
> A mature, honest spouse would turn around and say "Lets shake it up and go out" or "I am going out with the girls tonight to have a few drinks and gossip".
> 
> 
> SO you can look at all the "what ifs" Alex but in the end I think you could not have done anything different and she would still end up walking out the door.
> 
> I hope you are hanging out with family this weekend and getting some support???
> 
> HM


Thanks Happyman,

On saturday theres a concert i am planning on attending, and on Sunday i will spend the day at my parents. I told them (without details) our marriage was going through a rough patch, and that we might end up separating. I will tell them all of the details in person. I still need some plans for tomorrow night. When i think about it, it seems like i have no actual friends i can rely on right now. I distanced myself from all of them. (they were single, i was married, so you might know what i mean).


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## Mr.Fisty

I personally would not get her a present, and if she is not acknowledging you, I would not call her either. Even though it says your married, technically your not even in a relationship. All you have is a piece of paper stating your married, but that is all it is. Marriage is a commitment to each other, and your in a relationship with an absentee partner. Right now your companion is no one.

Next time your in a relationship, you have to maintain a certain level of independence, via your own friends, hobbies, and activities. If you don't, your identity becomes null, and you form your identity as two people. This causes you to see that person as a part of you, even though they are their own entity. Remember, they are just illusionary constructs of what we know about them from the data we gathered. Sometimes we get misinformation about the people we know. We have faulty data. I am sure when you married her, you did not believe that this will happen. But now you know she is capable of abandoning you, and she should not be trusted if you need someone in a time of need. Hence, she is not wife material. If you broke your arm today, she would not be reliable to help you mend.


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## manfromlamancha

Alex, regarding her coming birthday - do the 180. Don't engage with her, don't even think about her. Think about yourself and what you can be doing to make you happy.

What you call the "evil" side in you is not evil. I would have her served with divorce papers on her birthday for maximum impact (not evil). You did not choose this path, she did. She wants to be single.


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## Zouz

Alex ,

When I look at your case I see myself 17 years back ; 
My wife did something similar at that time when we were engaged ; she left me while having a dinner at our home without even an explanation just because something bothered her .

The biggest mistake I have done , I that I changed myself to meet her personality ;till date I believe it was the biggest mistake in my whole life !

Now I am stuck with 3 kids ; and I am doing everything for them , physically and emotionally , because wife is borderline and doesn't have a love account in her concept ;she lives by avoidance ; immagine that you are a father ; and it is you who have to describe to your daughter the period thing , because your wife is so detached from everybody ...

for her birthday , don't call , don't even greet her if you saw her by coincidance ;

And yes 180 as a gift is actually what she needs ; 
I advise you to have it sent to her , 1 day before her Bdate.

if she wakes up ( I doubt) ; other healing steps for you could exists .

You have to understand that the only possible acceptable way to reconcile again is if she recognize by herself her mistakes and comes to you with an understanding that she has to do a lot to win your heart again .

Living with a similar person , I beleieve there is 1% chance that she will do it ; and this 1% is because she needs you not because she wants you to be happy .

You are a lucky Bast**d 

you are now able to have a new life , You will suffer , my estimate is around 6 month to heal + appropriate time to find someone who suits you .


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## Zouz

Again , 

Lucky B ..... 

run run as fast as you can ...

at my time , no TAM existed


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## EleGirl

sad_alex said:


> Edit: Usually there is no such thing as College in most countries here in South America. People graduate from highschool, and they go straight to University for 4-5 years.


Here we have Universities that are made up of many colleges.

For example here where I live is the University of New Mexico. It has the College of Arts and Sciences, College of Fine Arts, College of Nursing, School of Engineering, etc...

Basically within a University, Colleges and "Schools" are departments.

We say we are in college.. but usually that means that we are attending a University.. it's lazy language usage.


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## happyman64

Alex

I do know what at you mean.

Have a great weekend. Do things for you.

If you are no longer paying for education use that money to better yourself.

When I got screwed over all those years ago I went to a few club meds to meet people. I learned to fly. I skydiver and bought a few nice cars.

All this over a few years.

Do something to better yourself and meet other people. Get involved with a charity.

HM


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## AliceA

To facilitate the healing process I'd cut contact completely. Though just because this has worked well for me in my life doesn't mean it'll work for you.

Do what you feel you need to and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be. It's not a big deal if you call her for her bday. It's not a life or death situation, so do what feels right for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squeakr

EleGirl said:


> Here we have Universities that are made up of many colleges.
> 
> For example here where I live is the University of New Mexico. It has the College of Arts and Sciences, College of Fine Arts, College of Nursing, School of Engineering, etc...
> 
> Basically within a University, Colleges and "Schools" are departments.
> 
> We say we are in college.. but usually that means that we are attending a University.. it's lazy language usage.


Although this can be true, it isn't a lazy usage of the language. A College can be its own stand alone entity, a school of higher learning that provides bachelor (4 yr degrees), Associate (2 yr degrees), and certificate degree programs but generally no post graduate degree programs (Masters or Doctorates). Colleges are not always part of a University system many are their own entities (wholly owned and operated) and the students are attending that particular institution and thus attending College, so not a "lazy" interpretation or usage.


Back to topic, I wouldn't give her anything for her B'day. She wanted to be on her own and learn to live as such, therefor she needs no remembrance/ reminder from you of her special day. I wouldn't serve her or acknowledge it in any way, so she can either make her own celebration, or sit alone and ponder what she had (depends on how her other friends and family handle it, in my STBXW's situation, no one recognized it, including our kids living with her, and her day was utter crap! Just a taste of what she has to come many more times and whom really supports her.)

I do like the idea of serving her the day before, so she will always remember her b'day with the association of the damage she has done. Vindictive? I guess, but she reaps what she sowed.


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## richie33

Consider yourself lucky. You could have had children with her.


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## Suspecting2014

She just wanna have fun but nit with you.

She may regret it, she may not, but if you stay you will for sure.

Remember, she says she loves you but prefers to party than be with you... I belive she doesnt love and has checked out time ago. She tells you she loves you to keep you as plan B.


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## sunvalley

sad_alex said:


> Today was a little rough, im usually in control of my emotions, but i cant help it, i feel angry at her. Im starting to resent that fact that ive always been there for her, i always tried to give and satisfy all of her needs. I was offered a nice job/internship opportunity in the States at some point, and i turned it down because i couldn't leave the country and leave her stranded by herself. I could be being selfish, but i think ive done so much for her and our marriage, putting our relationship and her happiness as a priority, and so far it only got her to leave me 7 years down the lane.


What you're feeling is normal, Alex. The shock has worn off, and now the grief and anger are setting in. I certainly don't blame you for feeling this way.



sad_alex said:


> ... Why would she want to sleep with other men? Why would she want to try other "goods"? I dont understand why she would leave. I know were not the same, but i dont give a rats ass about partying or having sex with other women. A lot of women here are feisty and they dont care if youre married. I know im not the most good looking guy, but ive had many opportunities and have been approached by women in this way. Yet i always chose my wife over these empty meaningless ONS.
> It makes me angry to think ive put so much effort into our relationship, and she coould be out partying with these knucklehead fraternity boys that have nothing going on for their lives.


Again, the way you're feeling is normal. No one is perfect, but you held to your vows and her, and did the best you could. You have every right to be angry and hurt. And trust me — MANY women (myself included) would honor and cherish a man like you.

A couple of things, if I may:

1) Please, do NOT give in to any thoughts or feelings of getting revenge. You will only hurt yourself. YOU did everything a good husband should do, so hold your head high. SHE'S proving herself to be an immature tramp. Don't stoop to her level.

2) Don't rush into another relationship or marriage. You'll need time to process all of this. I know it's hurting like crazy, especially not understanding why she did what she did. At the moment, though, that's not your concern. Your concern should be YOU.

I'm truly sorry this happened to you, and wish you weren't here. But you WILL come out of this a stronger person. It doesn't seem like it now, but you will.


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## HuggyBear

EleGirl said:


> Here we have Universities that are made up of many colleges.
> 
> For example here where I live is the University of New Mexico. It has the College of Arts and Sciences, College of Fine Arts, College of Nursing, School of Engineering, etc...
> 
> Basically within a University, Colleges and "Schools" are departments.
> 
> We say we are in college.. but usually that means that we are attending a University.. it's lazy language usage.


UNM is actually MUCH more than just ABQ, and it's all still ONE university, and the degree in all cases says "University of New Mexico" on it, even if you can't get those cool t-shirts frm th e90s that have a big Zia on it with "Universidad de Nuevo Mexico" on it. UNM is a UNIVERSITY, not a collection of "colleges" despite the terminology.

I can't even begin to describe how lucky you are to attend that school, if you indeed do go there!

Where else in North America could you study Flamenco dancing! (to say the least!)

Yes, I am proud!


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## GusPolinski

Hey Alex, how are you holding up?


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## EleGirl

HuggyBear said:


> UNM is actually MUCH more than just ABQ, and it's all still ONE university, and the degree in all cases says "University of New Mexico" on it, even if you can't get those cool t-shirts frm th e90s that have a big Zia on it with "Universidad de Nuevo Mexico" on it. UNM is a UNIVERSITY, not a collection of "colleges" despite the terminology.
> 
> I can't even begin to describe how lucky you are to attend that school, if you indeed do go there!
> 
> Where else in North America could you study Flamenco dancing! (to say the least!)
> 
> Yes, I am proud!


Yep, I got my degrees at UNM.

My son working on his Master's in Physics there now.


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## sad_alex

Hey everyone, 

Its been a rough, busy week, havent had much time to update.

Ive already started talking to a lawyer and we have gone through the option of divorce, its a fairly easy process and if i push forward, we would be legally divorced in a few months. Im still getting the strength i need to file for divorce. She has tried to contact me a couple of times and then she goes dark. Ive kept myself busy, and avoided all contact with her.

Its my wife's birthday today. I might send a short message wishing her a happy birthday, just being formal. 

Anyways, i will post all of the details once i get a little free time.


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## LongWalk

Skip the birthday greetings.


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## GusPolinski

LongWalk said:


> Skip the birthday greetings.


Agreed.



sad_alex said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> Its been a rough, busy week, havent had much time to update.
> 
> Ive already started talking to a lawyer and we have gone through the option of divorce, its a fairly easy process and if i push forward, we would be legally divorced in a few months. Im still getting the strength i need to file for divorce. She has tried to contact me a couple of times and then she goes dark. Ive kept myself busy, and avoided all contact with her.
> 
> Its my wife's birthday today. I might send a short message wishing her a happy birthday, just being formal.
> 
> Anyways, i will post all of the details once i get a little free time.


Is your wife aware that you're pushing forward w/ a divorce? If I recall correctly, you'd mentioned to her that you wouldn't be waiting for her to come back, but hadn't explicitly mentioned divorce.


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## Nucking Futs

GusPolinski said:


> Agreed.
> 
> 
> 
> Is your wife aware that you're pushing forward w/ a divorce? If I recall correctly, you'd mentioned to her that you wouldn't be waiting for her to come back, but hadn't explicitly mentioned divorce.


If she doesn't get it now she'll figure it out when she gets served.


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## sad_alex

Its been a few weeks since i last updated.

My wife got served with divorce papers this past week. We have had very little contact since the incident began.

Im feeling great about myself, as i have realised that im not dependant. Ive kept myself busy, and even though i miss my wife, i find myself not thinking about her much. The words of some of the posters here have given me a lot of strength to move forward and not look back. 

As a coincidence, a really close friend of mine, who had moved away to a different country, just came back after 3 years of not seeing him. His return helped me reunite with old friends and a lot of the people i had lost touch with. These friends are the people that knew me and my wife many years back, and they always thought we were the "happily every after" couple. They have been very supportive and by simply socialising more i have regained a lot of confidence.

Now regarding my wife. She has tried to contact me a few times through phone calls or text. Ive been distant and polite. I know she was never a "problem fixer" so i dont know if she wants to work on our relationship, but i can tell she feels sad when she calls me.

I dont know if she's dating anyone, i never got any proof of an OM, but i know i have some red flags. Im sure she has been out partying hard and enjoying her "single" life. I will not stalk or hire a private investigator as it wont change how things are right now. The divorce is moving forward and its a simple fast process, if things go right we will be legally divorced some time around February. 


Anyways these are some of the important details i can recall in these last couple of weeks.

Thanks for all of the support and happy holidays.


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## turnera

sad_alex said:


> i got on facebook to message her and she had deleted me and sent me a message saying "you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, and ive never felt so humiliated in my entire life, i never want to see you again".
> i felt heart broken when i saw this as i didnt expect anything like it, so i called her mother and she didnt pick up either. she later sent me a text saying not to call and that her mother did not want to talk to me. i later went to her mothers house and she didnt even let me in, she said not to contact her or her daughter.
> 
> i know im young but im lost and i dont know what to do, this is out of the blue and i feel like my world is falling apart. i know i will read this in a few years and see how stupid i am being but it sucks.


First, she is right, you DID humiliate her and you should apologize for overreacting, even if you ARE divorcing, especially since you did it in front of "YOUR people." Second, you guys are way too young to be married - especially since you've been together since you started dating practically - and it's pretty common for people her age to figure that out and leave the marriage. Third, she has a LOT of issues to work out and she most likely will need to do that alone; as long as she does this alone and doesn't just hightail it to the next available guy, you have a chance of fixing this.

btw, it wasn't out of the blue. You just weren't paying attention.


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## chaos

Great update. 

It seems that she's feeling something of what life will be post divorce, but not enough to reach out to you for a chance to reconcile. But that is her problem.

Take good care of yourself and happy holidays.



turnera said:


> First, she is right, you DID humiliate her and you should apologize for overreacting, even if you ARE divorcing, especially since you did it in front of "YOUR people." Second, you guys are way too young to be married - especially since you've been together since you started dating practically - and it's pretty common for people her age to figure that out and leave the marriage. Third, she has a LOT of issues to work out and she most likely will need to do that alone; as long as she does this alone and doesn't just hightail it to the next available guy, you have a chance of fixing this.
> 
> btw, it wasn't out of the blue. You just weren't paying attention.


I beg to differ after reading this *reply post*.

I agree that all of us should own our actions but not those that never took place.


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## turnera

chaos said:


> I beg to differ after reading this *reply post*.
> 
> I agree that all of us should own our actions but not those that never took place.


She was not happy. 


> they were initiated by her complaining about me.


Not surprising, seeing how they never had a chance to grow up before becoming attached at the hip; that's what happens to most high school romances (note I said MOST, so spare me the 'mine worked out'). I'm not blaming him OR her; just saying this is a common natural progression of a teenage romance.

And now that she's seeing what life without him is or isn't, she may be amenable to R. But IMO it needs to happen with the help of a counselor.


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## chaos

turnera said:


> She was not happy.


Assuming for a minute that what sad_alex posted was pretty much on the mark, she was given plenty of opportunities to clearly express her unhappiness to her husband prior to taking off like a WAW. Furthermore, he tried reaching out to her, multiple times, but never responded back to him until she told him she wanted to experience life like a single woman but while still remaining married to him.



> Not surprising, seeing how they never had a chance to grow up before becoming attached at the hip; that's what happens to most high school romances (note I said MOST, so spare me the 'mine worked out'). I'm not blaming him OR her; just saying this is a common natural progression of a teenage romance.


I agree that as group, teenage marriages have one of the highest divorce rates but so do second marriage and third marriage in which supposedly the spouses have already reached emotional maturity. That is why I've chosen not to marry ever again - BTW I'm in my late 30's.



> And now that she's seeing what life without him is or isn't, she may be amenable to R. But IMO it needs to happen with the help of a counselor.


I don't think that would be a problem with sad_alex but it probably will be for his STBXW. It takes two people both wanting to reconcile for it to become a reality.


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## turnera

chaos said:


> Assuming for a minute that what sad_alex posted was pretty much on the mark, she was given plenty of opportunities to clearly express her unhappiness to her husband prior to taking off like a WAW.


And, unfortunately, it's extremely common for women to NOT do this before they leave.

Doesn't make either one of them wrong.

T/J over.


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## happyman64

SadAlex

Glad you posted and it sounds like you are making progress.

Keep the focus on you.

Your wife needs to deal with her issues on her own. She needs to grow up.

Maybe you both do.

She was just looking for an excuse to leave and you gave her the perfect opportunity.

Keep it amicable. Let her go.

And do not pay one ounce of attention to her unless she shows up on your door before February, full of slobbery "I'm sorries "and "I Love you's" before February.

HM


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## Decorum

SA any update?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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