# Does being "in love" actually exist?



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

*Does being "in love" actually exist? Update!*

Long story short: I've finally found myself in a "relationship" after being divorced for 2 years (after nearly 12 years of marriage) and having a short lived rebound disaster shortly after. 

This guy is GREAT! We've been seeing each other about 4 months, and we get along wonderfully. We have had a few "tiffs," but nothing major that we haven't been able to work out. He is pretty perfect for me, as we have a lot of the same views on many aspects in life. I feel like we both have done a LOT of personal growth individually in recent years, and it seems that we would continue to support each other along that path in years to come.

I can honestly say that I love him as a person. He is funny, charming, smart, great in bed (lol,) handsome, great with my kids, hardworking, driven, AND he adores me.

I genuinely LIKE this man. And I love him. What is the problem, you may ask?

WHERE is the passion? 

Sometimes I can feel it starting. But then is fizzles. I know I"m scared of getting hurt again. But I don't think this man would hurt me. Am I just so scared that I am keeping it away? I think that might be the case, but I'm not sure. Can passion develop over time? This is the only relationship I've had where I didn't fall head over heels FIRST. I can't help but think I'm FINALLY maturing enough in my thought processes to do things in the correct order in a relationship......meeting someone, getting to KNOW them (and I mean WELL, without the rose colored glasses) and loving them. But where does the "in love" happen in a healthy relationship? Maybe I just need reassurance that it CAN happen in this order! I adore this man, and would love to have that between us. I know he wants it too, because we have talked about it. 

I'm just strange, I swear!  LOL!


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

Give it time sister. Maturity brings patience and skepticism. Nuttin wrong widdat


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Patience with myself has never been a stron suit. Lol! (I am MUCH better than I used to be!)I thanks, maybe Ilm not so crazy afterall? I suppose time will tell!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## shy_guy (Jan 25, 2012)

I'd say it depends on what you mean by "in love." Let me give the same old tired definition that I've given so many times on here, but I find it to be the truth.

You don't fall in love. You decide you will love someone, and you do it. Love isn't a feeling, it's an act of the will.

I love my wife. My life is much better because she's in it. That doesn't mean that I spend every minute of my life with the warm fuzzies over it, though, and it doesn't mean we always agree. It doesn't even mean we mostly agree for that matter. But on those mornings when I don't feel like going, and I wouldn't move if it was only for me, I will get up and move for her, and I will fulfill my responsibilities to her. It's a decision yet again - I've willingly committed myself to her. Romance isn't much like the love for your child, but it is similar in this way: A person does what his/her child needs whether he/she feels like it or not because he/she has committed to his/her child - he/she loves the child.

We have great passion, but we don't live in it all the time.

I don't want to overdo the matter-of-factness of it, but it just isn't like the supermarket tabloids, or the storybooks all the time. But we've committed to each other, and as a result, we have those indescribably wonderful times together. They're not all the time, but they aren't rare, either ... and whether the times are good, or are tougher, I've never had a better friend than my wife ... This all developed out of that one principal for us: We each willingly committed ourself to the other. And that is my definition of love.

BTW, I have a WONDERFUL wife, a WONDERFUL marriage, and a WONDERFUL life. We've been married for 28 years, and we're still adventuring together.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Usual the spark are flying at the beginning of a relationship and then they either slow down and remain a glowing ember or they fizzle out. Rarely do passion develop over time, no?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> Usual the spark are flying at the beginning of a relationship and then they either slow down and remain a glowing ember or they fizzle out. Rarely do passion develop over time, no?


I'm cringing but this is the way I think it works too.

However I have heard of cases where people were friends first then it blossomed into something more so I'm not going to rule out the possibility of passion developing later.

Based on the details I'd give this relationship more time and see what happens.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> Long story short: I've finally found myself in a "relationship" after being divorced for 2 years (after nearly 12 years of marriage) and having a short lived rebound disaster shortly after.
> 
> This guy is GREAT! We've been seeing each other about 4 months, and we get along wonderfully. We have had a few "tiffs," but nothing major that we haven't been able to work out. He is pretty perfect for me, as we have a lot of the same views on many aspects in life. I feel like we both have done a LOT of personal growth individually in recent years, and it seems that we would continue to support each other along that path in years to come.
> 
> ...



If you go to sex in marriage, you will find the passion fizzles in a lot of women your age.......It may just be nature telling them they don't have a lot of time to raise young....So the desire to procreate dies.....

If you mean the kind of love where the sun starts to shine when "that" person smiles, and if they asked for a tooth pick, you would gladly whittle down an oak tree....

The crazy, giddy, heart thumping love....That kind of love can always come back....

After 46 years, my wife and I felt the need to renew that spark....

The first step was buying the book "The 5 Love Languages"....

You have to go through the book as a couple, and get with the program.....

The second step for me was when about that time, she had surgery and I had to take care of her for a week......I resolved to open my heart, and take care of her with love in my heart....

That week of nurturing coupled with the book really did it for me......I fell head over heels in love with my wife.....It was like being 16 again, and seeing "that special girl"..........

Be warned, that this kind of love is fragile, and unkind words, and harsh actions can make it fade quickly...But this kind of love can be renewed....

the woodchuck


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

All good responses! 

Yes, I am older (mid 30s) but I have been in a longish term marriage. I do know that love and commitment are prety much the same thing.

I think it is the crazy, giddy, heart thumping love that Im missing. And although it isnt a deal breaker (because in my mariage it wasnt there all the time either) it is something i want to be able to experience from time to time. 

I am wondering if im getting in my own way with it. Fear is a huge motivator (or in this case, potential roadblock....)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

GA HEART said:


> I think it is the crazy, giddy, heart thumping love that Im missing.
> 
> I am wondering if im getting in my own way with it. Fear is a huge motivator (or in this case, potential roadblock....)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been married for almost 22 years. I had that crazy, giddy, heart thumping love in the early days. These days I still want that but it doesn't just flow I have to make it happen. I use my imagination to look at my husband and will myself to feel that giddy feelings again.

Because of my ability to do this I believe in the concept of love is a CHOICE. Give me enough raw materials and I can create passion with it. 

If fear is holding you back then you could try this exercise. Focus I mean really focus on creating passion. This isn't about forcing though it's about appreciating a look, a touch, the sweetness that is this man you're with. Decide to focus on happy things instead of being so fearful.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

None of my partners originally had any passion for me either, before I pursued them they all thought I was dry and boring, but the one who took the time to actually know me realized I am not at all like I originally appeared to them and when they fell for me the attraction came on strong and they fell pretty hard. I wish it was more lasting though :/


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## boonefhh (Jul 22, 2013)

it is something i want to be able to experience from time to time.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> However I have heard of cases where people were friends first then it blossomed into something more so I'm not going to rule out the possibility of passion developing later.


 Yes, I am one of these.. MY husband was smitten, head over heels for me... He was pretty obvious.... and I adored how GOOD he was to me...but I can't say I had these gushy giddy "OMG I am melting" feelings going on....I am pretty visual... and he wore these big glasses that concealed his good looks... but he was attractive enough for me to give him a chance... 

And love blossomed as we kept getting together...doing things...it was more of a COMFORT love for me (a bonding was taking place)... I felt secure in him....over an Electric Passionate FIRE that many talk about when they meet...yet we were inseparable none the less... it's like we both fulfilled something in the other... 

He was my best friend before we even kissed...
*TIME *will give you your answers on this one, it's doesn't have to be immediate 

So many times those relationships fizzle... if it was based ALL on HOT attraction... 

What is causing this *Fear*...just your past with men, a fear to believe , open up fully, embrace what it can be...some self protection halting your freedom to FEEL... to revel in this new relationship? Is there any hesitation on his part towards you...that causes a check in your spirit... a small red flag...that you can't let loose, feel secure in his love...just yet ? 



> Passion meaning >>
> 
> 1. ardent love or affection
> 2. intense sexual love
> ...


Where does Passion spring.....or what stirs it... (a state of intense longing for union with another)....pretty complex...from our genetics, to an act of our will, hormones, the wiring in our brains, our molded experiences, enthusiasm, unrelenting striving for our purpose in life, or living it. 

Passion: Find your passion in life. | Learn This

I really like this quote...



> “Passion. It lies in all of us. Sleeping... waiting... and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws and howl. It speaks to us... guides us. Passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have? Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love... the clarity of hatred... the ecstasy of grief. It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.”
> ― Joss Whedon


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

boonefhh said:


> it is something i want to be able to experience from time to time.


then do something you are passionate about and share it with the one you want to experience some passion with. Go do something new and completely different together (sounds easier than it is, I know). Passion doesn't just happen, nor does it come from someone else, it comes from within, you build it like a fire.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

GA, is it possible that this man isn't firing up your passion because he is different from the guys that trigger passion in you? If so, this can be a good thing if those passionate relationships have normally led to bad outcomes for you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

At only 4 months in....I would pull back and even start dating other people.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If you have no passion with the man now... you probably won't.

Does your heart sing when you see him after a long time apart?

When something odd/unusual/great happens in your every-day to day life.. do you feel like you just can't wait to see him to tell him about it?

If your heart doesn't sing for you now over him... It probably won't in the future either.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

If you're mostly happy with this person and your relationship with him (he sounds great), I wouldn't worry, or think that something is wrong if it's not Hollywood "in love" (which is totally unrealistic anyway). As someone else pointed out, passion comes in many different forms (though people almost always think of it in narrow terms - physical/sexual passion). 

Working on being open, emotionally available, and emotionally intimate with your partner could bring about more of those feelings that you're looking for. It is very possible that you are in your own way on this, as you say. Fear can definitely block such things. I have experienced this myself.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I agree with shy_guy. Loving someone is a choice. You may have emotional feelings where you are attracted to someone, like spending time with them, get all week kneed at stupid stuff they say. That is not love. Its attraction, its purely physical, and it fades away if you aren't willing to choose to work on your relationship. I think that you could have a really great relationship now that you have developed some patience and are really getting to know him as a person. If you enjoy each other's company and there is an attraction, this might be the stable, loving relationship you need.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

This man is
"He is funny, charming, smart, great in bed (lol,) handsome, great with my kids, hardworking, driven, AND he adores me."
But you want 
"crazy, giddy, heart thumping love"


Don’t we all!!!
Wake up and join the real world! If you are going to expect The crazy, giddy, heart thumping love in your 40s, 50s and beyond then you are in for a rude awaking!


I am not saying that there are no deep felt times in the after youth years; there are. However, trying to recapture the feeling you had in your teens and 20s can be a very unreal expectation IMO.

If this man is what you described then consider yourself real lucky. Maybe that crazy, giddy, heart thumping love exists in later years but I would not make those criteria for a relationship in my 40s and beyond. I know that those kinds of emotions exist in romance novels but I have only seen that with people in their teens and 20s. 

My wife is funny, charming, smart, good looking, great with our children, and she adores me most of the time. *We have not been crazy, giddy, and have heart thumping love since our teens and 20s but we have a good marriage that has lasted for 44 years. I am satisfied and secure and am thankful for my life.*


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> This man is
> "He is funny, charming, smart, great in bed (lol,) handsome, great with my kids, hardworking, driven, AND he adores me."
> But you want
> "crazy, giddy, heart thumping love"
> ...


After 44 years that may be the norm but that is due to longevity. Very different than telling the OP not to expect crazy, giddy love in her 40's in a newish relationship.

I'm mid 40's, been in this relationship just on 2 years and I am in crazy, giddy love. I miss him within a few hours of him being gone and never a morning goes by when he doesn't txt me from work to tell me how much he loves and misses me. I have such intense love for him that my body literally aches when we are not together. 

Some of the others have given great answers from different perspectives. All I want to say that unlike the pp, I can say with absolute certainty that it is possible to find and have intense, passionate love at this age. Whether or not it is a criteria for a great relationship is a different story but yes it can be found at any age.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> I'm mid 40's, been in this relationship just on 2 years and I am in crazy, giddy love. I miss him within a few hours of him being gone and never a morning goes by when he doesn't txt me from work to tell me how much he loves and misses me. I have such intense love for him that my body literally aches when we are not together.



*Your husband is a lucky man!!!*


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

LOL, such good answers! And a lot of different perspectives! I just thought about this post, a month later, and decided to update!

We are still together and going strong! I can say that my feelings are growing for him. It's a SLOW process, much slower than I'm used to........but I can't help but think that's a GOOD thing! 

There are some other side issues that are keeping us moving slow (jobs, distance, personal goals, kids, etc.)......and again, I think it's a good thing. 

I've opened up my eyes to A LOT in the past couple of years. I've taken the time to analyze why my previous marriage didn't work, what my (and his) issues were in that aspect. I've done a lot of growing up and I'm happy where I am.

So I suppose if the giddy, crazy feeling doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. I'm beginning to just not really care one way or the other.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

After 14 years I'm still madly in love with my husband. Even more so now then way back when we were engaged. The love, the lust, it's still there. Luckily, my husband feels the same way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

GA HEART said:


> *We are still together and going strong! I can say that my feelings are growing for him. It's a SLOW process, much slower than I'm used to........but I can't help but think that's a GOOD thing! *
> 
> There are some other side issues that are keeping us moving slow (jobs, distance, personal goals, kids, etc.)......and again, I think it's a good thing.
> 
> ...


When you start to feel this person in your life is *Irreplaceable*... you can't imagine your life without them.. I think it's a great place to be....and "over the moon" if they feel the same.... it builds such an appreciation for what you share....you can't help but be imagining a future together....

It started out a little slow for me, I was just a young "what did I know" teenager dreaming of 
"*the one*"...... It all happened so fast ...and it grew & grew ...I've been with him for coming up on 32 yrs next month...

I know I love him more NOW ...or feel that intense "I am so freaking thankful for you & all you have brought to my life/ our lives" ...due to all of our shared memories -he was just always there, holding my hand. 

I feel *compatibility* is very important though, once you set up house, if you ever get that far... these things will rear their ugly head -if you haven't ironed them out to "acceptance".... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> After 14 years I'm still madly in love with my husband. Even more so now then way back when we were engaged. The love, the lust, it's still there. Luckily, my husband feels the same way.


You have used both words in the same sentence:

Love & Lust

I think some people confuse one for the other and that can lead to disappointment and confusion.

After nearly 20 years of marriage my love for my wife is stronger than ever, the years of shared experiences (both good and bad) have made us closer.

The Lust has subsided and now needs the embers stocked and fire carefully tended.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Wiltshireman said:


> You have used both words in the same sentence:
> 
> Love & Lust
> 
> ...


The passion is still there stronger then ever.

Our love is also much stronger now then it was 14 years ago. We are a very unique couple I think. We never ever have had any rocky moments yet in our marriage. I hope it stays that way, but we can not predict the future.

I'm totally in love with my husband. I know he feels the same way towards me by his actions and his words.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Maybe, but once the wife realizes that marrying for safety and not passion backfired it ends. Seven years usually. That's what the itch is.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

MrK said:


> Maybe, but once the wife realizes that marrying for safety and not passion backfired it ends. Seven years usually. That's what the itch is.



I know I considered many factors before I asked my wife to marry me and I am sure she considered just as many before she agreed.

Anyone who got married JUST because of any one factor is probably on a "highway to hell".

If you choose your partner on only LUST you will be very lucky if it sees the year out.

For me some of the things I considered (not in order of priority) were:

Did I have a growing love and affection for her and did I think it was reciprocated.

Did we share the same / or similar long term plans (buy our own home, have children)

Was I financially and emotionally mature enough to make a marriage and family a viable option.

Could we trust each other.

There are many others but let’s save that for another thread.


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## SugarMonstaa (Aug 30, 2013)

shy_guy said:


> I'd say it depends on what you mean by "in love." Let me give the same old tired definition that I've given so many times on here, but I find it to be the truth.
> 
> You don't fall in love. You decide you will love someone, and you do it. Love isn't a feeling, it's an act of the will.
> 
> ...



Agree with this. I'd have to say my first relationship was "passionate" in my eyes but then again I might be mistaking it for younger hormones and our heated arguments and such. My relationship now is more so calm and warm rather than fiery. I think it's normal and it used to worry me. But I do think it's important to keep up and make the other person feel special from time to time...make a little spark but unfortunately my man got lazy and usually doesn't do anything lol.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Its just a chemical reaction in the brain nothing more, not some mystical religious experience.We evolved it to get parental investment in the children we produce.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Another update......

I'm gonna marry this man one day! 

That is all! LOL! 

(GREAT weekend together, can ya tell?) Haha!


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