# Afraid my sister is going to marry an impotent man



## WorriedBrother (Aug 31, 2013)

I'm from India. My sister turns 33 next week and has just been arranged to marry a 39-40 year old man in a few days time. I'm afraid he is impotent judging from his higher age, and the very high prevalence of impotence in India (55% of Indian men above 40 suffer from impotence according to one study), and the below story I'm about to narrate.
He was first interviewed for marriage 2 years ago, and and that time my sister did not reply to him as she thought he looked too middle aged/round bodied. Last year November he came to know she was still single, by going through the profiles available with the marriage agents, and once again visited my sister. This time she thought he wasn't so fat or may be her standards had dropped, I don't know which, and she agreed to marry him. Then there was silence about this matter (I live away from home so I only get news when announced to me on phone) and in February this year I learned the man's family was coming over to have dinner at our house. But later I learned they didn't come citing some reasons nothing serious enough to believe. Then again there was silence till June and the guy again visited my sister and some negotiations about living arrangements etc picked up since then, and last week suddenly the marriage was fixed at 3 weeks henceforth. 
There are only two reasons why the guy would make such delays:
He continued hunting around for other women OR
He is impotent and is only yielding to marry due to pressure from family.
The former reason doesn't seem too likely to me, because a man at his age is considered too old and is unlikely to have gotten much prospective "Yes"es, and women closer to his age here are without exception much more plump and fatter than my sister so he must have thought my sister is a prize for him.
That leaves out with the reason that he is impotent. Not that 40 means impotent, surely athletic men who exercise a lot and take care of nutrition have lower biological age, but he is definitely not one such. This is shattering my heart, my sister is too hung up on marrying him without even test driving first (that does not usually happen with arranged marriages) and even if I told about his problem it would have no effect as they have already started inviting people, and I would only be considered a trouble-maker. 
I know there is little help anyone can offer but if you have any thoughts whatsoever on this, please let me hear.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Let your sister decide who she wants to marry. She's 33 years old and well aware of what she's doing. 

It's wrong to just assume he's "impotent". I would be more worried of how he treats her as his wife. What's important is that he respects her and treats her well and that he doesn't have a short temper and burst out in anger.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Has you sister actually had sex yet? If not, she has no idea how this may or may not affect her. ED treatments are available in India, right?

But what concerns me is that he has reached this age without marrying and appears to be going about this very slowly and half heartedly....is he gay? Having a gay husband would be a recipe for disaster. Having a husband with ED is only minor if he will seek medical treatment.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Is it common for men in this situation to have been sexually active already? If he has not been sexually active how does he know if he is impotent? 

I love that you used the word 'henceforth.'

I would also be concerned as well, though, that he does not appear enthusiastic about the marriage.


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## WorriedBrother (Aug 31, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Has you sister actually had sex yet? If not, she has no idea how this may or may not affect her. ED treatments are available in India, right?
> 
> But what concerns me is that he has reached this age without marrying and appears to be going about this very slowly and half heartedly....is he gay? Having a gay husband would be a recipe for disaster. Having a husband with ED is only minor if he will seek medical treatment.


I believe my sister is still a virgin. Although she might not have something to compare him against, I'm afraid she would realize something is not right with making love using a limp ****. Ofcourse ED treatments are available in India, but there are no quickfixes. If his testosterone is low he might be prescriebed hormone replacement therapy but that can affect fertility (assuming that area is ok). I'm sad thinking the "what if"s, like what if someone younger had been chosen, what if I had persuaded my sister to marry years ago so she could have had better matches.
If she finds him to be gay (which I doubt. Gay people "look" gay (silly me), he doesn't), I'm sure she would walk out of the marriage. But walking out in case of impotence will not be so easy nor openly talking about it due to the fear that people will accuse her of being so horny to "make this an issue". 



MissScarlett said:


> Is it common for men in this situation to have been sexually active already? If he has not been sexually active how does he know if he is impotent? .


He could have been having paid sex secretly. Even otherwise one can know from feeling low libido, or when "using his hand".


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Worried Brother said:


> If she finds him to be gay (which I doubt. Gay people "look" gay (silly me), he doesn't), I'm sure she would walk out of the marriage. But walking out in case of impotence will not be so easy nor openly talking about it due to the fear that people will accuse her of being so horny to "make this an issue".


Uhhhh nope not true at all. There are just as many gay men who seem totally masculine as there are gay men who are obviously so.

With regard to the what it's you are suffering. You can change the past so do you best to stop allowing your thoughts to go there. Express your misgivings to your sister and if you sense that she also has these misgivings, offer to support her so she can call it off and wait to find a more suitable husband.

You're a good brother, but she is an adult and if this is what she wants, you have to support it. Talk to her...


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## ShyEnglishman (Aug 23, 2013)

You have arranged marriages, marriage agents, you're thinking about your own sister's sexual experiences, and you think you should be worried about the man she is marrying?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I still can't get over the fact you're worrying about erectile dysfunction in a future brother-in-law. How can you possibly know if he's impotent or not?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> I still can't get over the fact you're worrying about erectile dysfunction in a future brother-in-law. How can you possibly know if he's impotent or not?


This is what mr. OP said: 



> I'm from India. My sister turns 33 next week and has just been arranged to marry a 39-40 year old man in a few days time. I'm afraid he is impotent judging from his higher age, and the very high prevalence of impotence in India *(55% of Indian men above 40 suffer from impotence according to one study)*


I think this is logical. In a country (like mine and maybe India) where people are marrying at their teenage years, a 40 years old bachelor is a rarity and we wonder why he remained a bachelor. The words in bold is what caused him concerns.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Why on God's green earth do you want to think about your sisters sex life?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

john_lord_b3 said:


> This is what mr. OP said:
> 
> 
> 
> I think this is logical. In a country (like mine and maybe India) where people are marrying at their teenage years, a 40 years old bachelor is a rarity and we wonder why he remained a bachelor. The words in bold is what caused him concerns.


I read that in his post as well, but so what? There can still be perfectly valid reasons that the future brother in law is still a bachelor. I would never jump to the conclusion he is impotent based on the fact he's a bachelor at age 40. I still stand by what I said. It is bizarre to me that the original poster is worried about erectile problems in his future brother in law. Why is he so concerned about his future brother in law's penis?

And I'm very familiar with customs in various parts of Asia thanks to my own family background and my early life living abroad. This is a highly unusual concern and far outside the norm for arranged marriages.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well - in a culture where arranged marriage is common /the norm one does have to wonder how a man reached his 40's without a match and why he is dragging his feet. Like any of us, one worries when seeing a sibling walking into a potentially bad situation.

I was pretty sure one of my sisters married a gay man. There was a heap of circumstantial evidence. The bottom line is you can only do so much, though.

Oh, and my sisters husband got through law school only to realize he wanted to be part of the theater instead. He recently divorced my sister - so there you go. She still doesn't think he's gay, though.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

There's nothing he can do either way even assuming for the sake of argument that the man is impotent. I can't see that question being brought up in any conversation or how would one even make discreet inquiries?

It seems more likely the man is not interested in marriage. I'd be more concerned about it than impotence. If he's being pushed into marriage by his relatives then he's just doing this to appease them. That should worry the original poster more than impotence. There have been so many threads here from Indians who entered arranged marriages to please family then later realized their new spouse was a bad fit for them.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

I have an idea. How about your family joins the 21st century, and you encourage your sister to actually date some men, instead of allowing everyone else arrange her marriage from behind the scenes?

This whole thread is a good example why marriage interviews, and marriage agents are not a good system. It certainly isn't conducive to a romantic relationship and a fulfilling sex life.


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