# How do you get him to leave when he refuses?



## kissycupcake

I have been married to my husband for about 2 1/2 yrs now. When I met him I thought he was the best thing that ever happened to me. We have known each other for about 10 yrs and we used to be like best friends. After we got married my husband started betraying my trust and disrespecting me in many different ways. He bought and made life altering decisions without discussing them with me, and even when I disapproved of buying a brand new truck he did it anyways. For 2 straight yrs he laid in bed and pretended to work, he was "starting his own business" He has lied to me over and over again. We can not even have a normal conversation anymore without it turning into a fight. And when we are not fighting we sit in silence watching TV living 2 totally seperate lives. I don't trust him anymore and I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I care about him but I am not in love with him. I would like a seperation but he will not leave, how do I get him to leave, he wants to try to work at this, but I cant do this anymore I feel emotionally drained. We have been trying to make this work for 2 yrs and all I do is give and give and all he does is take and abuse me emotionally. He is irresponsible, unstable, and unreliable. Am I making a mistake? I feel this is what is best for me, but everytime I tell him I want him to leave he will kiss up to me for a while then everything goes back to him being lazy. We don't have any children which I am thankful for and I am only 28 so moving on will not be a problem. I think it will be a problem for him because I think he is afraid of losing me and I do think he loves me but that is probably because I do everything for him and he won't realize how good he had it until I'm gone. I think a seperation would be good so I would have time to think and make sure losing him is really what I want. I need him to leave because we live in a basement apartment of my parents house, and I am not leaving my house, he won't even pay my father rent,which was agreed upon, when I tell him to leave he tells me no you leave go upstairs to your family, like its his house he cant even pay my dad $400 a month.:scratchhead:


----------



## artieb

Go visit a lawyer for a free consultation.


----------



## kissycupcake

artieb said:


> Go visit a lawyer for a free consultation.


So do you think we should seperate?


----------



## turnera

Don't you? Isn't that why you're asking how to get him out?


----------



## artieb

kissycupcake said:


> So do you think we should seperate?


I think he is a tick who has burrowed his way into your skin and will survive by sucking your blood until you can pull him out. As soon as you get rid of him, he will forget all about you and find some other food source to latch on to.


----------



## kissycupcake

Thank you for the advice, this relationship has gotten so bad that for weeks now I have'nt been able to sleep or eat well. Like I said I couldn't get him to leave my apartment so I moved myself upstairs until I could figure a way to get him out. Now since I have done this he has been kissing up to me in every way possible and telling me I am going to change and I am sorry for everything and blah blah blah. I think this is just another one of his mind games to get me stay with him, you know manipulating me because he has it so good and I agree w/artieb that he is like a tick. I am just so afraid I guess that there is no one else out there for me because he likes to tell me that, I will never find anyone that will ever love you like I did, but then its like if you loved me so much why have you done this to me. He promises this time is different and he will change but how many chances can I give a person I guess I have to just forget about the what ifs and just move on. thanks


----------



## turnera

> there is no one else out there for me because he likes to tell me that


 This is one of the FIRST things an abuser tells his victim - so that she gives up hope, and thinks she HAS to stay with him, or be alone.

Think about it.

There are, what? Three BILLION people on this planet? Hundreds of millions of people in America? Millions in your state alone? 

How ridiculous is it that you couldn't find ONE man out there in the same shoes you are - wondering who he will find to love him and cherish him, and so he can do the same for her?


----------



## kissycupcake

Yeah, your right and I know he has emotionally abused me I have to be strong now and make him leave even if it involves getting the police. I have to do this for myself because I can't go on like this. Thank you so much for all your advice it has really helped.


----------



## SurpriseMyself

Figure out what you need to do legally to get him out. Then, sit on that information and don't tell him you have it. That way, you won't feel so desperate when he won't budge and maybe you can get him out without having to resort to interventions. And you'll be confident that you know what to do if you have to go to that last resort. In any case, he's got to go.


----------



## kissycupcake

I think your right that he has to go no matter what, but now he is saying to I will change I am sorry, can't you just give me one more chance we can work on this marriage together.Now he is cleaning, cooking,basically kissing my butt. He also says the past 2 yrs I (he)was depressed thats why I wasn't trying to work on our marriage. He tells me seperating will drive us farther apart, but I don't know if I want this relationship to go any further. I think he knows that I am a good person with a big heart and easily manipulates me. Everytime he comes near me my heart races and my hands sweat, I get anxiety attacks. He'll say things like its not like I cheated on you and I have always been there for you. I had some medical problems and he likes to throw in my face that he stood by me through those times. He just makes me feel like I am the bad guy in all this But I gave him 10 yrs of my life, 2 1/2 of them we were married. I know he loves me, but I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. Even if he did change would it be for a week, or would it be permanent? Thank you any advice would be greatly appreciated.


----------



## TNgirl232

You don't get over being depressed with the flick of a switch. I don't buy that excuse. 

Love doesn't hold grudges or keep count. Love doesn't list how good he is to you because of what he hasn't done to you. Replace cheated on you with - beat you, raped you, etc. Would any of those be a good reason to stay?

Past history says he'll straighten up for a bit and slide right back....this time won't be any different. Go to a lawyer and find out what needs to be done to get him out of your house and life and move on. You deserve to be happy.


----------



## turnera

Get this book, it's a lifesaver: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

If you don't recognize your husband in that book, let us know, and we'll offer different advice. Many men manipulate out of fear, fear that you'll find out they're unloveable. Doesn't make what he does any less bad for you, though. Just helps you understand why. It's always possible he can get help to learn how to stop guilting you to keep you. But YOU have to be the strong one here to set high standards for what you deserve.


----------



## kissycupcake

Well, I think I made my final decision that I want a seperation, at least a trial seperation so that I have time to myself to think, and figure out what it is I want. I have been upstairs for almost 2 wks now and I only go down to my apartment to sleep and then I still only sleep on the couch, but I've been sleeping on the couch for at least 2 months now. But I have told him numerous times I want him to leave, I need some space and he still won't go. I don't understand, he lives in my parents house, in the apartment they built for us, but for 2 1/2 years now he hasn't paid rent which was agreed upon, but he acts like he has a right to be there, why? My family has opened their hearts and home to him and this is how he repays them, by making me miserable, not paying rent for 2 1/2 yrs only $400 month and my dad was going to give us half of that back towards a house. He doesn't pay his bills, bounces checks left and right, has spent all of my savings. Why is he so disrespectful that when I ask him to leave because I need space because I need to think about where this is going he won't even leave? He forces me to feel uncomfortable in my own home. I am going to have to have my father throw him out, but I'm afraid that he is going to go "psycho" on my dad when he tells him to leave. He treats the apartment like its his to come and go as pleases, living in denial while I stay upstairs with my family, because I need space, how can he be okay with that. I don't think I could ever love him again because once again he is taking advantage and being disrespectful. I think there is something wrong upstairs.


----------



## turnera

Because you're weak, and he knows it. Abusers USE people like you for a free ride. Until you grow a pair and kick them out.

Call the police and have him removed.


----------



## kissycupcake

Can the police remove him? I wasn't sure of that. I asked my father to throw him out because its his house and he won't listen to me so maybe he would listen to him. My father told me No, work it out. Its like my dad wants me to stay in a loveless marriage. Now I don't know how to get him to leave. I wrote him a letter saying that staying here is only pushing me farther away, if he wants some hope for it to work out then he must respect my decision and leave without a fight. I'm hoping this will work, but probably not.


----------



## turnera

Go to the police station and ask them if they can remove him. If they say no, find a lawyer; most will offer you a free 30 minute consultation, and tell you how to legally get him out.


----------



## getoffme

Hi, after you left me a post, I was curious to hear your story. Thanks for the advice. Sounds to me like u have it worse. My fiancee is very responsible and doesnt sponge off of me. He's the ideal man to all the rest. Doesnt your husband ever leave? I'd change the locks the min he steps out. Good luck and yes, i dont see myself getting married to him.


----------



## kissycupcake

Well, I finally got him to leave, but I don't understand why he had to be so nasty about it. All I asked was that we seperated and worked things out and he had to turn it into well if I leave theres no guarantee I'll ever be back! he also said Be careful what you wish for and you will never understand how much moving out is hurting me. Why doesn't he love me enough to fight for me? All I said was I can't live like this anymore, the constant fighting, etc. Its making me sick, mentally and physically but he had to turn it into well if I leave then its basically over, not I will do anything to make this work, like his tune changed because last week thats what he said, why so he could continue to live w/ me? Now its like oh well, no sweat off my back, your loss not mine. I mean did he even love me? He keeps saying he does,but what does he do to prove it? Why does it hurt so Much? Thanks so much for listening!


----------



## nikon

Hey cupcake, I am myself in a very similar situation, we are also living 2 separate lives, and unfortunately we live in our own apartment which none of us wants to leave. My dad, also, wants me to work it out (why are dads always on the husband's side?) - but although I love my dad immensely, this is my life and my decision alone. Not sure what you can do in your case though. You definitely need to end this relationship - It's hard but you know it's the right thing to do. Stick to what you believe is the right thing for you. Talk to a layer, get that free consultation, ask around what your options are. I think the best thing would be to file for divorce, I think. Because as long as you're married he has the right to live with you and I don't think you can kick him out. It's a shame that such a long friendship turned into something so ugly. Can't you talk honestly with him? Is he happy in this relationship?


----------



## nikon

I just saw your last post - it's good that he left. If he loves you and misses you he will do anything to get you back. If he doesn't then you are better off.


----------



## turnera

Good work. If he does love you, he will see that he has to honor your wishes and listen to you. He acted like that because he is used to controlling you by putting you down or blaming everything on you or 'warning' you that he will remove 'himself' from you - that's your 'punishment.' The thing is, you showed that you are smarter than that and will not be controlled through his 'punishment' any more. Now the hard work begins!


----------



## kissycupcake

I see what you mean that I have to show him he can't control me anymore, but why is it bothering me so much that he doesn't care? Like I just thought he would of wanted to work things out and would be calling me, I never thought he would of cut me out of his life completely. But then I'm thinking why would I want to be with someone who treats me so badly? I almost feel like I can't let go, but why can he so easily? I know as time goes on it will get easier, but I just can't believe he could just walk away like that, it just feels very cold, almost like he could care less whether I was with him or not, how could he be so cold? When he treats me this way why do I care so much about him? I know I still love him I'm just not in love with him anymore, that attraction isn't there anymore because of everything he has said and done to me. I just wish I could make the pain go away. Thanks so much for listening.


----------



## turnera

> why is it bothering me so much that he doesn't care?


 Because women who allow themselves to get into abusive or controlling situations often have a certain 'mentality' in which they have preconceived notions about what their husband should be; the abuser recognizes that, and plays on it, to keep her coming back. One of those subtexts is that you want a man to 'rescue' you by showing you he loves you, by overcoming things and 'proving' himself to you...it is an ego feeder for you, if he WERE to show you how much he cares by changing for you. So, you are partially to blame for the relationship - he feeds off of being selfish, while you feed off of getting 'strokes.' And you may even set up situations where he has to prove himself. That's called fishing for compliments. Abusers are happy to throw you little scraps like that, cos they don't have to do any other work to keep you around.

Abusers DO walk away. They don't want a woman with a backbone. They want a woman who is so needy and has such low self-worth that she will take ANYTHING he gives her, crumbs, just to have him say he 'wants' her. Her esteem is so bad that ANYTHING he does is enough to tell herself that she is good enough to get a man; she just ignores the kind of man she gets - as long as a man 'wants' her, she is a decent human being and should not be looked down upon.

That's why you need to be seeing a psychologist, who will help you work on your self esteem. If you had a higher image of yourself, you would have NEVER allowed him to do the things he's done. You would have gotten mad at him and kicked him out a long time ago.

Time to work on that, instead of obsessing about a man who was using you.


----------



## kissycupcake

Thanks and I know your right its just hard to believe I have allowed myself to be treated this way, because before I married him he was never like this to me, its like I married a complete stranger. He even admitted it to me in one of our fights, he said he had to put his foot down in our relationship and take control. I am seeing a psychologist, I have been I think between talking here and talking to the psychologist was the only way I was able to do what I did. Because I am also on disability and can't drive and I think my husband used that to his advantage instead of helping me at one of the worst times in my life, but thats another long story.


----------



## turnera

Did I recommend some books on abuse? Patricia Evans' books are great. Also, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controllling Men, by Bancroft. If you read them, you'll recognize your husband. Such men are completely different people while they are on the 'hunt.'

It's truly like a GAME for them. Think Ted Bundy - to a much less degree, of course! The whole thrill of getting you to believe him, love him, want him, is a game. It's fun when you do what he expects you to do. But when you grow a backbone and show individual thinking, you're no fun any more - you're WORK! That's not what such men are in it for; so they walk away.

I have to warn you, though, that if he really loves you or even just wants you, he MAY come back. But that's when you have to worry the most. Because if he is truly abusive - and only you guys will know that - he will follow a cycle. You can read about it in the books, how if he decides to fight for you, it will go something like: 
Fine! I'm outa here.
Honey, I'm so sorry, I'll do anything you want.
Yeah, well, if you hadn't ABC...
You stupid %@#%@#%, you deserved it! I'm outa here.
OMG, honey, I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!
I'm trying! But it's all your fault!
and so on

If he does come back crying, please go get some of those books so you can recognize what he's doing, and not get suckered.


----------



## kissycupcake

Thanks so much you have been really helpful and I will definetely be getting those books and reading them while I am away from him. I am also going to be doing some other kind of self help for myself try to make myself a better and stronger person. Thanks again for all your help and I will be weary when he returns because he will, he left alot of his things here.


----------



## kissycupcake

I just ordered those books they should be coming soon and I will be reading them. I just had a question, when we were dating I had a backbone and I pretty much said how things were going, I had a pretty strong voice in the relationship. what happened? He used to treat me like gold, but now I just don't matter. I also think and I know I should stop obsessing but I can't help it. But I think he is cheating on me, for the past 6 months he has been at a pretty good job making about $600/ wk, I haven't seen one cent of this money and he cashes his checks so I can't trace where the money goes. How can someone make this much money and not have anything to show for it? I think he is wining and dining someone on the side and I was just to nieve to see it. Do you think I should leave him for good and never look back? My psychologist thinks its either cheating or drugs, but I don't know what to believe, I am just astonished that a person could be so cruel to take advantage of another and not even think twice. Thanks again.


----------



## Advocado

You got him to leave and that was no easy task, but have you thought about what you want to be doing in a year's time or 5 years time and how you can work towards achieving the life you want for yourself, in small steps starting now?

I know it's easier said than done but don't dwell too much on what he did with his money, cheating/drugs whatever. That's in the past. Yes you need to reflect on the past to avoid making the same mistakes in the future but from your posts I cannot see anything that points to a positve long term plan/goal. Have a time frame in mind for your end goal broken down into small steps, each step having a time frame also. Think also about any obstacles that are likely to arise and have a plan for how you will deal with them so that you can be prepared as far as possible. Also schedule regular reviews to track your progress and don't forget to reward yourself for your efforts as you work through your plan. Maybe your therapist can help you with this if he/she is not doing so already.


----------



## turnera

Just so you'll know, until the books get there, the way abusers get what they want is increment by increment. First, the game of the hunt. Then you say yes. Then they start tearing you down, as soon as you say yes; part of the game. It may start with a 'you look fat' (tear down your self esteem); or 'why did you do that?' (make you question your own thoughts); or refusing to go out cos he's tired (establishing control); or griping if you bring your friend over (isolates you from your protectors); things like that. Little itty bitty things that, alone, seem like no big thing. You can go to the next concert so you agree to pass it up (but it happens that time, too). You cut your hair the way HE likes it so he won't criticize your hair again - but he'll find fault with that way, too. You make excuses (lie) to your friends for why you can't meet up with them and they eventually get the clue and stop asking you out. 

You make concessions, tiny ones, along the way, that by themselves seem like nothing. But along the way, you lose your backbone; you doubt yourself; you think you're unloveable and you're lucky HE will accept you as you are; you become ashamed that you have to lie to your family and friends for not seeing them, so the shame keeps you from reaching out to them ever again.

Eventually, you are a shell of your former self. I told my therapist that I hadn't laughed in 20 years. Growing up, I was always laughing. But no more - he made fun of me when I laughed, so I stopped. I missed it. I love to read more than anything else, but I hadn't sat down in a chair to read in 25 years because when I did, he would ask me why I wasn't getting XYZ done; so I stopped reading, except on my lunch break at work (he'd never know) or in the bathroom (he couldn't see). Do you see how pathetic it becomes, if you don't put a stop to it?

Just so you'll know, many abusers/controllers have no idea what they are doing to you. They are often good people, except for this need to control the situation, because of their own low self-worth. They fear that if you knew the real them, you'd leave them for sure, so they slowly peel away any of those ways you could possibly leave them.

But even if you give him a second chance, he will NEVER change unless he undergoes SEVERE psychological therapy to get to his core issues. And most such people will NEVER do that. 

But they WILL promise you the moon, if you just take them back. Or they walk, cos you're too much trouble now.


----------



## kissycupcake

Well he showed up at my apartment last night, said he had to pick up some things, he didn't take everything with him. He wants to know if we can talk, sometime this week. See where this is going, we have only been seperated for 2 wks, whats the rush? Part of me wants to talk with him and part of me says stay away! He said he's seeing a therapist and He wants to try marriage counseling, but do I even make any effort or do I just walk away from this marriage without ever looking back? I just started reading the book, Why does he do that, only on chapter 1. But if he really is an abuser I'm afraid to even start talking to him again, he'll probably manipulate me. But then when I talk to him I think well maybe he'll be that sweet supportive guy I once knew. Why is it just so confusing, well thanks again.


----------



## bestplayer

kissycupcake said:


> Well he showed up at my apartment last night, said he had to pick up some things, he didn't take everything with him. He wants to know if we can talk, sometime this week. See where this is going, we have only been seperated for 2 wks, whats the rush? Part of me wants to talk with him and part of me says stay away! He said he's seeing a therapist and He wants to try marriage counseling, but do I even make any effort or do I just walk away from this marriage without ever looking back? I just started reading the book, Why does he do that, only on chapter 1. But if he really is an abuser I'm afraid to even start talking to him again, he'll probably manipulate me. But then when I talk to him I think well maybe he'll be that sweet supportive guy I once knew. Why is it just so confusing, well thanks again.


its really looks a confusing situation for u as in ur previous posts u said u couldn't believe he walked away like that & in this post u think its too early to talk ? 

if u really sure ur not in love with him because of his manipulations & u feel like walking away without ever looking back , then u have already moved on from him & u both have the right to do so . 
May be he wouldn't be willing to let u go for some reason & try to convince u into staying , but u have be true to urself first & not live ur life for someone else. 

Best of luck


----------



## kissycupcake

I know it sounds completely confusing, its just that after everything we have been through, we have been together for 10 yrs., I guess I wanted that satisfaction to know he really cared and it just didn't mean nothing to him. As for moving on I guess a part of me still loves him, but its just that I don't know if he is worth trying to make this marriage work or do I just move on? The question is will he ever change and do I stick it out or do I just move on? How many chances do you give a person before enough is enough? The way I feel now is if he can't take care of me, how will he ever be a father, because I don't want to take this any further, I need a man who will be there for me and my children. ( I don't have any children but I'm just looking towards the future) He would have to do a complete 180 because when I married him thats what happened he did a complete 180. He would have to go back to the person I thought I married I just don't know if all this aggrevation and heartache is worth all this. You'd think if he really loved me like he says he does he would never of let it get to this point. Thanks again.


----------



## sisters359

> You'd think if he really loved me like he says he does he would never of let it get to this point.


Truthfully, that's how I felt so I refused to give counseling a try. I'd done so much to make changes and had asked him to try counseling, and it all wasn't enough. I decided I did not want to be with someone who only listened to me if I threatened to leave--yuck. What am I, his "last ditch effort?"

BUT--you do not have to answer any of this now. Give yourself time. If you feel it's too early to talk, then wait. Wait and see if you get an overwhelming urge to give it another try. In the meantime, work on yourself. Tell him what you are doing and to work on himself, and you'll let him know if you want to talk. Be prepared for him to move on--no clearer sign that YOU aren't worth waiting for, is there? If he cannot wait until you are ready (and you may NEVER be), then clearly it was not meant to be. As long as you're ok with that! Good luck and God bless!


----------



## kissycupcake

I think that you are right, he should be able to wait until I am ready, but I feel like he is pressuring me. He wants me to talk with him and go to marriage counseling, I don't know if that is such a good idea? I agreed only because I feel like if don't give him this one last chance, then I'll never know what could of been. I am not letting him move back in but I will see what the marriage counselor has to say. But I do kind of feel pressured by him, he says to me we have been apart for way to long, we can't keep not talking, its not healthy. Maybe he is trying to threaten me? I don't know if I am ever going to be able to trust him again, maybe I would be better off just moving on. I also think it would be hard to move on with him because he has embarrassed me and shamed me in front of my family. They know how disappointed I am in him and so are they, I feel like they would never be able to look past that. They will always remember what he did, how much he hurt me.


----------



## turnera

Decide what YOU need to be happy in life. WITHOUT considering other people, like a mate. Just what YOU need. Did you always want to be a painter? Go be a painter. Did you want to be a lawyer? Go to school. Do what YOU wanted. If he loves you, he will accept what YOU want and need.


----------



## kissycupcake

Well, I think that my marriage is pretty much over. Although I thought there was hope for it, I don't think so anymore. He still can't pay his bills, I have bill collectors coming to my house looking for him because he can't pay his bills. I know everyone said to try and work on myself, but my life is alot more complicated than that. I have a disability and I can't drive or work. So I think that is why my parents want me to stay with him and try and work it out. I went to 1 marriage counseling session and I really don't know why I went there is nothing to save, he never did anything for me to try and save anything, there is nothing worth fighting for. The 2 1/2 yrs we were married were the worst 2 1/2 yrs of my life. With all the medical problems I have all he did was make my life worse, so why do my parents want me to work at it? Maybe because they dont want me to be their burden? How do I know I am really ready to divorce?


----------



## sisters359

I can guarantee that your parents just want you to be happy, and they probably think that being married will make you happy--give you something "normal" in life when your disability makes driving and working impossible. They probably fear that you will be all alone when they die, and marriage--to them--seems like the obvious solution. The love a parent feels for a child is like nothing else--a parent would literally chew off his or her own arm to save their child, no matter the child's age. 

If these have been the worst 2.5 years of your life, why would you hesitate? 

Do your parents know the time has been so bad? If not, tell them, and let them know that you will be ok. Use the internet to get whatever information you can to help take care of yourself now and in the future; demonstrate to them that you are still capable of that, even with your disability. Have you looked into jobs in things like transcription, where you can work at home and at your own pace? It might not pay a lot, but it's something. Good luck.


----------



## Uptown

Cupcake, please reread what Turnera wrote to you. She knows what she is talking about. As to the marriage counseling, it can be helpful when a couple both are strongly committed to working on their marriage and only have communication problems that are easily fixed. 

However, when one spouse has strong traits of a personality disorder (PD) -- as your H seems to have -- it is something that has been deeply entrenched in his mind since he was 3 or 4 years old. In that case, couples counseling is a waste of time and money because the disordered spouse typically will just play games and not work to control their behavior. Moreover, even in the unlikely event he wanted to work on his disorder, a couples counselor likely would not have the skill set needed for treating a PD.

In that case, years of therapy in individual sessions (or group therapy) with skilled psychologist are necessary to teach the person how to control his own behavior. As Turnera states, however, the chances of such a person being willing to admit to having such a disorder -- much less being willing to work on it -- are very slim.

In my case, I spent over $200,000 taking my disordered exW to six different psychologists who saw her weekly and saw the two of us (in couples counseling) every two weeks. We did that for 15 years and it didn't even make a dent in the behavioral problems caused by her disorder (BPD). On the contrary, she just got worse. In retrospect, I realize that I should have gone to my own individual psychologist at the beginning and he likely would have told me very bluntly that there was little chance my exW would ever acknowledge her disorder, much less learn to control it. 

Like I said, Turnera is giving you excellent advice. I wish she had been around -- 18 years ago -- to advise me. Of course, she wasn't available to help me because, at that time, she was stuck in a toxic marriage just like me. So both of us needed a Turnera-like older person who knew _then_ what Turnera knows _now_.


----------



## turnera

lol

Don't I know it!

Just last night I decided to stop being the Giver again, which I had slipped back into the last year or so. Sure, everything's been fine. I've been Giving like crazy without asking for anything in return. Last night I asked one simple question that had something to do with money my H was owed - basically did he want to drive all the way across town to take care of an issue and (maybe) pick up the check, when he'd been dead sick in bed for 2 days with a virus, without first calling the guy to make sure he was even going to be there, and he bit my head off. He doesn't want me to talk unless it's to prop him up or agree with him, or say something smart (about current affairs, etc.) so he can repeat it and look smart himself.

So I've decided to start taking care of myself, and back away. Get rid of our debt, and make plans for my own life. 

Something you should be doing. Don't waste 30 years like I did for someone who will never change.

fwiw, if you're in the States, have you gone to Join the Live United Movement They can help you find the resources to set yourself up, disability and all. That's what they're there for, to help people in need. Let them help you.


----------



## kissycupcake

Thanks for all the advice, I have looked into going back to school so I can work on myself and stop concerning myself with him. But now as I feel like I am working on myself, he tells me he might have colon cancer. Now I don't know if thats true or not but how am I suppossed to leave someone who supposedly has cancer? I did tell him I wanted to leave him and he said to me how could you leave me, I was going through something for those 2 yrs, I was always there for you, you can't stand by me. I can't even trust him, I just feel like he is tormenting me. Why is this so hard, he makes me feel so bad but what about everything he's done to me, he just says you need to forgive me, but I don't think I can. I know I'm not in love with him anymore, but he just won't accept it. He has caused me so much emotional stress that now my hair is falling out, please help I feel so confused.


----------



## turnera

You can't help him if you are hurting yourself.

Move on. Let him do some hard work to learn what YOU need. 

For one thing, I doubt he really has cancer. He has a habit of finding ways to guilt you, to make YOU feel responsible for anything. I don't see much difference here.

For another, even if he does have cancer, whether or not you stay with him has nothing to do with his outcome. In fact, keeping the status quo will not give him impetus to work on himself; he'll just keep on letting you be a Giver and a Victim while he does nothing. Cancer is not a time to do nothing.

PLEASE stop letting him guilt you.


----------



## bestplayer

kissycupcake said:


> Thanks for all the advice, I have looked into going back to school so I can work on myself and stop concerning myself with him. But now as I feel like I am working on myself, he tells me he might have colon cancer. Now I don't know if thats true or not but how am I suppossed to leave someone who supposedly has cancer? I did tell him I wanted to leave him and he said to me how could you leave me, I was going through something for those 2 yrs, I was always there for you, you can't stand by me. I can't even trust him, I just feel like he is tormenting me. Why is this so hard, he makes me feel so bad but what about everything he's done to me, he just says you need to forgive me, but I don't think I can. I know I'm not in love with him anymore, but he just won't accept it. He has caused me so much emotional stress that now my hair is falling out, please help I feel so confused.


I think his doctor might have noticed some symptoms like that & could have expressed his suspicion or might have even ruled out by now but now he is using it gain your sympathy .

But even if he has cancer that is not a reason for you to go back , especially when you have realised you are not in love with him anymore . It will only cause more problems for you & him . 

Right now you need to work on your self & for that you both have to move on .


----------



## kissycupcake

Tunera, how do I move on and work on myself when he won't stop calling me and trying to see me its like he can't be without me or something. I have tried to stop picking up the phone but that doesn't work, he'll just come to my house. Also I did go to marriage counseling because my parents wanted me to, but I just feel like that is making me more confused. The counselor said that we could work things out and our only problems are financial but I think that is wrong, she is not seeing him for who he really is. When I ask my parents for advice they just say your on your own, we can't help you try marriage counseling. I guess I just fear that if I divorce what if it was a mistake, but how do I really know?


----------



## turnera

If it was a mistake, you can always get back together later.

If you are too weak to not open the door, ask a friend to come stay with you for a week or two, long enough for him to get the hint. 

If he won't stop calling, change your phone number.

If the counselor doesn't 'get it,' keep talking to her until he does.

Everything you are describing is just you being wishywashy. I'm not criticizing you, just pointing out that all the obstacles you describe are of your OWN making.


----------



## kissycupcake

Hi, just wanted to give an update, I went to marriage couseling tonight and I spoke with the counselor alone, we both came to the conclusion that I would be happier and better off without him. So we brought him into the room and told him this isn't working out, well that didn't go so well. He was saying things like I was in a deep depression for those 2yrs, I was always there for you, now that I need you your just willing to walk away. But the fact of the matter is I don't respect him,don't trust him, he's an embarrassment, he's irresponssible, etc. I don't think he will ever change and with all the problems I have had in my life I don't need this too. I have a seizure disorder, I have been battling it for 20 yrs now, I have had 2 brain surgeries for it and he has only made matters worse. Stress only makes things worse when you have seizures. But anyways after leaving the counselors office we argued in the parking lot and I tried to get him to understand that it is over, but he wouldn't hear it. Then he said to me : how do you think I felt having to deal with you having seizures all the time. I couldn't believe he said that, I walked away from him and he said good walk home and drove away. I don't think I have ever been hurt so badly, I don't know if I can go through with this Its just so painful. If some of you could give advice on how to get through a nasty divorce, because he won't agree or cooperate I would appreciate it. Thank you in advance.


----------



## turnera

I'm so sorry. Isn't it amazing how, when someone faces a bad time, you can see what their true colors are?

I don't know about you, but if my H said that about the seizures, I would NEVER take him back. And then, if he made me walk home?! WTF!!! 

Just wow.

Sorry forgot to answer you. Legal, legal, legal. And if you get scared he'll get violent, also file a report with the police. Take YOURSELF out of the equation, put a wall of LEGAL between the two of you.


----------



## kissycupcake

Thanks Tunera,

I couldn't believe he could do that to me, and he suppossedly loves me? If my seizures bothered him so much why did he marry me? What an *******, like I really needed this. When I told the marriage counselor what happened the next day, she said: Oh no, I hope your done with him, he dosen't treat you right, you don't deserve that. I don't ever want to speak with him again, the next time I want to see him is in court. I changed my locks and I am going to get all his stuff packed up. I am done, if he could be so cruel and heartless then maybe I never really knew the real him. But now he is definetely showing his true colors, I'm just glad I am finding out now rather than later. Thanks so much for all your help.


----------

