# Need some advice--new here...



## 4n6 (Jun 6, 2010)

Hello all, I was wondering if I could get some advice. I am considering divorcing my wife and need some different perspectives. PLease forgive the length of this post. My wife and I have been together for 8 years (4 married). For most of our marriage and really most of our relationship, it has been one that hasn't been passionate and a variety of problems. From the very beginning, my wife and i are complete opposites. I am an extrovert, she is an introvert. I like to go out and be with people, she does not. We do not share a lot of common likes and dislikes. Our physical intimacy has never been great and greatly deteriorated over the course of our relationship. In fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times we have had sex in the last two years. Couple this fact that my wife has chronic pain issues and an eating disorder. 

About a year ago, I couldn't stand it anymore so I broke down and told my wife about all of my feelings. Up until then I had really buried everything, although she knew there were some problems. What drove it over the edge was our lack of physical intimacy, which has always been really lackluster. So we tried therapy for a bit. I didn't have much hope, but things seemed to get a little better. My wife went on Medication to help even out her moods. However, even as we went through therapy, I just didn't feel any passion towards her. A couple of months ago, I told her that I wasn't thinking about leaving anymore, but that was really a lie. I think about it all the time and think about having an affair as well. When I go away, I don't miss my wife. I am actually relieved because I don't have to deal with all of the stuff. My wife has no friends. She has lost her job and has no idea what she wants in life. We don't have really any common goals. She is constantly unhappy (even when she thought we were getting better). 

So a few days ago, I told her again that I didn't know if I could be with her. I just don't know if I can be with someone who doesn't want to go out, have the same kind of sexual frequency that I want, have a lot of common interests, etc. My wife says that i have to make this decision because she has made hers. She married me knowing my faults and that i shouldn't have married her knowing hers (I naively thought getting married and moving would help her start over). Additionally, she believes I have these idealized constructions of what a partner should be and that each couple writes its own rules. That is true, but I have never been happy with the rules. 

I would like to separate to get some breathing room, but the only people my wife could stay with would be her family and they live 500 miles away. She doesn't want to because she believes we should stay or just divorce. She feels like she can't look for a job in a new area with the possibility that she would come back here. 

So now I am here. I don't know what to do. Maybe she is right that my expectations are too high and I just need to live with them. I care for my wife, but I am not sure I am in love with her anymore. I don't have any passion for her really or at least what I have had with other partners. This would devastate her and I have stayed much longer because I think it has been easier financially and the like. Is there anyone having similar problems? How did you handle it? Any advice would be helpful.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

First, your wife needs to get healthy again. I imagine she is on a long list of medications. That could be creating many problems.

I lived with a complete opposite for over 20 years. I do understand the challenges (and I'm the introvert here). It can work and have benefits, if both parties can be respectful of each other. However, now that I've got to start over again, I'm looking for someone with similar interests. I finally realized what my true needs are after reading "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I personally feel love by someone spending time with me and doing projects together. Therefore, the "complete opposites" routine just wasn't leaving me satisfied. I believe you might find that book to be very helpful in accessing your relationship.

And finally--Don't cheat! That is only going to make things worse. If you can't stay in your marriage, get a divorce. Otherwise, focus on making your marriage work.


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