# Dating other people while in a relationship



## Costa (Nov 24, 2012)

I feel heartbroken.

I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other,_ meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like. _

Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

PLAYA Alert!! PLAYA Alert!!


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

Yea he's trying for the friends with benefits deal. He should have said this from the beginning, or he said something similar and you didn't hear it. 

It's only been 5 months and you don't need the drama. Find someone on the same page as you.

ETA don't let good sex fool you


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

My rule has always been that I don't sleep with someone until the relationship is exclusive, period. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who is sharing the same thing with any number of people. It would be meaningless.

OP, I think your BF has told you how he stands in your relationship, and I think you have to decide whether or not that sort of relationship is for you.


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

Just date other people, then revel in the sexual exploits


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Is there something wrong with this scenario?


Allow me to translate LiarSpeak for you, Costa.


> He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other


 _"I would like to settle for you when I am done chasing anyone else who attracts my attention; and when I am sure I can't get anyone hotter than you. You are my Plan B."_


> meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like.


 _"I don't value you enough to want to be exclusive with you, so don't get the wrong idea that you're 'special', because you're not. But I'd still like to fvck you when I can!"_

There you go; now that you've removed the forked-tongue, double-speak, it's really quite clear (and quite simple), isn't it?


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## Costa (Nov 24, 2012)

I was out of the dating circuit for so long (was married), and I thought that has left me clueless to how people date these days.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Nope, same liars, gold-diggers and b*stards there always were. Just with cellphones and different clothing. :rofl:


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"You're free to date anyone you like." (cause I certainly intend to keep doing exactly that).

"I'd like to settle down when I'm sure we're completely right for each other." (I love milk but that doesn't make me a dairy farmer)


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Besides love, companionship and partnership, relationships are also about communications and boundaries. Clearly you two weren't communicating. Did you two agree that you had an exclusive relationship or did you just assume it was. Also, if you did agree that you had an exclusive relationship, did you discuss boundaries? Clearly you guys aren't on the same page. Dating is not like when I was younger, you have to get things out on the table not and be clear about them.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He's a player and he doesn't think that you're right for each other, but you're convenient and provide benefits to him that he'll lose if he's honest with you. 

I'd encourage you to move on now.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Sorry for your hearbreak, but it's better to move on and let this guy play around with whomever he wants. If you are looking for a relationship with more substance, keep sex off of the table for a while with the next guy until you are more exclusive. Communicate and make sure early on about what it is that you are looking for.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

tm84 said:


> If you are looking for a relationship with more substance, keep sex off of the table for a while with the next guy until you are more exclusive.


I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive. 

Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."

As one of the five pillars of compatibility, I would encourage you to do whatever feels natural to you sexually, but remain aware that you are still learning about areas that you are or are not compatible on. 

I have to articles on my blog related to this topic that can help you decide how long you should or shouldn't wait: 

How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

5 Pillars of Compatibility (& Incompatibility)


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## TrustInUs (Sep 9, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.
> 
> Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. *Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."*
> 
> As one of the five pillars of compatibility, I would encourage you to do whatever feels natural to you sexually, but remain aware that you are still learning about areas that you are or are not compatible on.


I disagree with the above bolded part. I didn't have sex with my husband prior to marriage, not because I wasn't into him, but because of a vow that I made not only to myself, but to my faith. It was hard, and we crossed some lines, but didn't have sex. Now of course this is not true for everyone, but I disagree that it says that you're not into them.

I do think that when sex is not on the table at the beginning you can filter through what a person is like, and if you are compatible in other areas.nsex can cloud emotions for some.

I have not read your articles yet but looking forward to reading them later.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Hello dear almost my name, if he is dating other people "while in a relationship" then there is no relationship at all. At least not on his part. What he is saying to you is that he likes to bang you but he isn't in it for something more.

Positive thing is, he was honest with you. He could have string you along and deceive you. You have to at least give him that.


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## pearlofmisery (Nov 25, 2012)

Costa said:


> _ meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like. _


 he is probably already doing that! Please make sure you dont give so much into this 'relationship' that it could leave you hurt.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.
> 
> *Plus, people fall for people who are "into" them. Withholding sex for some arbitrary point is just a way of saying, "I'm not that into you."*
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I think men in particular will avoid the Friendzone better when they insist on progressing physical affection..... that is holding hands, kissing and so on. If a woman doesn't like doing those things with him, she is letting him know that she just thinks of him as a friend. 

One turning point between my fiancé and his EA was a moment in which she rejected a "passionate" kiss from him....his words. Looking at it from a guy's point of view, I would tell him that if his partner refuses to have sex with him by the time they are exclusive he should move on. 

I've met a few waiting until marriage types......ironically never married but non virgin types. either they are trying to create roadblocks to explain why they can't get a date or they are trying to get something for nothing........


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Costa said:


> I feel heartbroken.
> 
> I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other,_ meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like. _
> 
> Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?


Hmmmm. I think you should be thankful that you've only invested a few months in this person, and you should also be thankful for his mislaid honesty. 

If you're not the type that can carry on a casual relationship, and it doesn't sound as though you are, then walk away.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.


Perhaps. However, many women (particularly young women) bond with men during sex, and this can cause an unhealthy dynamic if the guy is still playing the field. Besides which, if the guy isn't practising safe sex with his other partners, it can be downright dangerous.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Costa said:


> I feel heartbroken.
> 
> I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other,_ meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like. _
> 
> Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?


That's what happens when you don't set the boundaries clear since the beginning and you don't know what you're looking for from each other...then you find yourself being partners with benefits. 




KathyBatesel said:


> I can't agree with this point. I've found that sex is one of the important ways a man decides whether a woman is worth being with. Bad sex will equal a quick fade even after they've become exclusive.


Nobody was suggesting that the OP should have waited to marry this guy to have sex with him but having _exclusive_ sex and _shared_ sex are two different things.
The OP has been having the latter and she's not satisfied thus she should move on.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Mating one's way through a pile of endless possibles to find a wife (or husband) doesn't make sense. Why not limit the search to only the 1-2% of values-driven human beings who can be trusted, whom you respect and receive respect from, who have goals, brains, and some belief system, etc? Not every man has character but they all have a penis.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

This situation is an eye opener for you. You just got out of a divorce and started dating someone who has now told you that he wants to be open with dating other people. 

Sounds like he could have a new interest and is more interested in pursuing what he can get from that. I would have to hurt a little and walk away from that. Some people will suck you in and be everything you want and then drop the bomb on you when you've invested feelings and got use to the great love making. The only problem is when these new request are thrown in unexpectedly, people dont walk away. 

Please dont wait around hoping for him to come back around like it use to be. I'm sure the thought of knowing he is free to lay with another woman the same way he laid with you is not sitting well. Cut him off and if he comes back, make sure it is not just to invest all his time with you until he scores again.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Costa said:


> I dated this guy for 5 months .................Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?


After only 5 months? It's going to *kill* you? :wtf:


So go ahead and date other people, if you want to. That does not mean you have to have sex with them. But dinners and/or movies.....sure. Why not? Don't put all your eggs in one basket. He certainly has not.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> He's a player and he doesn't think that you're right for each other, but you're convenient and provide benefits to him that he'll lose if he's honest with you.
> 
> I'd encourage you to move on now.


And stop having sex with him. Then see what he does............. uh *run* hem.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I doubt he'd find any woman to be "right" as a wife because that's not what he wants one for. He's looking for "right now", not "right".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Too many responses to what I said for me to quote everyone. 

In the article I linked to, you'll find that I agree with many of the points that have been raised. Certainly a person who doesn't want to have sex has a right to their values, and they may find a partner who feels the same. On the other hand, they may miss out on someone who's perfect for them who interprets their "waiting" as a ploy. 

Women often *do* bond because of sex - but so do men, and in my experience men bond *more* strongly when they have great sexual rapport with a woman. That can be the maker or breaker for a relationship to get past the informal stages and even the reason for him to create a long term commitment.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Costa said:


> I feel heartbroken.
> 
> I dated this guy for 5 months and we have a good sexual relationship. He told me he would like to settle down when he is sure that we are truly right for each other,_ meanwhile I am free to date anyone I like. _
> 
> Is there something wrong with this scenario? I went through a hard divorce and I cannot handle another drama. Should I walk away from this new relationship before it kills me?



well, at least he's being upfront and honest

so be up front and honest as well, especially to yourself

if you aren't comfortable dating someone who doesn't want monogamy then give him the boot and find someone who meets your needs better


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Too many responses to what I said for me to quote everyone.
> 
> In the article I linked to, you'll find that I agree with many of the points that have been raised. Certainly a person who doesn't want to have sex has a right to their values, and they may find a partner who feels the same. On the other hand, they may miss out on someone who's perfect for them who interprets their "waiting" as a ploy.
> 
> Women often *do* bond because of sex - but so do men, and in my experience men bond *more* strongly when they have great sexual rapport with a woman. That can be the maker or breaker for a relationship to get past the informal stages and even the reason for him to create a long term commitment.


If taking care of myself emotionally (and physically) in the early stages of a relationship could be perceived as a ploy, so be it. Whilst sex is important to me, I wouldn't want to bond with someone who is having sex with other women.

There's more to a relationship than sex, and having sex too early in a relationship can blind a person to many red flags they might otherwise have seen.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

No way Kathy, waited one month before sleeping with my future H. Smartest move I ever made as he respect only grew for me from that.

A wait period is essential a can be tailored to all different women.

So many dates, so many days, weeks, had one pal gage her sex readiness by how many return phone calls


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