# Advise needed: stay or move



## rajspeeder (Apr 29, 2015)

I have been married since 2008 and have 1 kid. My wife and myself have different upbringings and different beliefs. We are immigrants to this country and trying to settle our life here. We both work legally here. My priority is to settle here and work hard but where as my wife does not care much and careless about things. Due to her liabilities in her home country, we have taken some missteps and lost a fortune and careers. 

We have lot of misunderstanding and mutual failures. I tried to talk to her but she is not much interested talking and sorting issues out. She does not believe in talking and understanding each other view points. I found out she lied to me many times. I have asked her not to lie and we could always come to conclusion based on mutual discussion. MY in-laws interfere in our life's which i don't like at all. I told my wife, she does not tell anything to them. After years of marriage, i have lost trust and belief in my wife and our marriage. I am not sure, if i love her but definitely care for her. I love my son deeply. I am not happy in this marriage. I am a very emotional person and my mood swings drastically. I have been depressed from last 2 years related to my marriage issues and some other career failures. I don't want to blame my wife but she definitely played a role unknowingly that has lead me to depression. I am not able to fully express my feelings here in the forum. 

I am not sure, i should continue this marriage or not. I don't want to regret either ways. I cannot live without my kid and my kid requires his mother. My wife is not a bad human beings but have different beliefs. 

I cannot think straight. Kindly advise


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

rajspeeder said:


> I have been married since 2008 and have 1 kid. My wife and myself have different upbringings and different beliefs. We are immigrants to this country and trying to settle our life here. We both work legally here. My priority is to settle here and work hard but where as my wife does not care much and careless about things. Due to her liabilities in her home country, we have taken some missteps and lost a fortune and careers.
> 
> We have lot of misunderstanding and mutual failures. I tried to talk to her but she is not much interested talking and sorting issues out. She does not believe in talking and understanding each other view points. I found out she lied to me many times. I have asked her not to lie and we could always come to conclusion based on mutual discussion. MY in-laws interfere in our life's which i don't like at all. I told my wife, she does not tell anything to them. After years of marriage, i have lost trust and belief in my wife and our marriage. I am not sure, if i love her but definitely care for her. I love my son deeply. I am not happy in this marriage. I am a very emotional person and my mood swings drastically. I have been depressed from last 2 years related to my marriage issues and some other career failures. I don't want to blame my wife but she definitely played a role unknowingly that has lead me to depression. I am not able to fully express my feelings here in the forum.
> 
> ...



If I read between the lines I think your wife might have the upper hand in the status qou in the relationship and she does not want to talk or deal with anything because any outcome from talking and "working things out" reduces her position of leverage or means some compromise on her part. At the sound of it, your needs and concerns in the relationship are already fully compromised. What she gets to do, how she acts, how much she spends ect... are all what she can get away with. I think this is a common feature of "nice guys" in a relationship. You might consider having a look at the No More Mr. Nice Guy material. (NMMNG). 

This does not mean your wife is necessarily scheming against you. She may well be as unaware of it as you and is just fighting for "her side" It is unreasonable to burden her with the expectation she compete against her needs and wants on your behalf if you do not also set clear boundaries to tell her what that is.

You need to define and enforce boundaries in the relationship that are important to you and be willing to spoil the peace between the two of you for the sake of your needs. Communicate. If she wants the a marriage that meets the needs of your both and wants you as her partner, and your boundaries are reasonable, she will come around but you might to get in some very uncomfortable verbal fights to get there. You have to stand up for your needs. If she can't align to reasonable boundaries, you will always feel cheated and abused in the relationship and its best to end it as soon as possible.

Also, she is not to blame for your depression. Your way of coping with challenges in your relationship has led you to depression. Don't confuse this. You alone are responsible for your happiness and fulfillment.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

NMMNG Link:

No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career


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## rajspeeder (Apr 29, 2015)

Thanks ScrambledEggs. I did not expect anyone to look at my post so soon and advise me. Thanks a lot for your advise.

I have been strict with her many times nd defining the boundaries. As a result, we been fighting and she cries loudly sometimes at the end. Most of the times she does not keep her promise. 

My Wife did not have satisfying childhood or did not meet her needs when she was a kid. I think, that why how she behaves or reacts and not willing to compromise. I always put her and my kid first before me and try to make them happy. Sometimes, I try to be careful but thats where we have problems

I never knew i was so emotional after certain incidents happened in my marriage. Its like i cant live without my kid and wife but most times i know i am not happy in this marriage. I dont want to regret, if i take any drastic step.

One important aspect, we are here in this country as immigrants working on work permits. It might be 10 years to get permanent residency. My wife is not willing to take whatever to succeed or stay in this country. She is willing to go back to home country. I don't want to go back. I want a family besides me that i can see at the end of the day at home. We are recently received permanent residency of Canada but not this country as it will take time. I only want to live here (US) and not in home country or canada but my wife says she wants a stable life. 

I know this is not immigration forum but it is more of a personal issue on top of everything.


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

Marriage is a mutual thing. If she's not ready to work things out, then she's not ready to share her life with you. It's ok to have a different background. No 2 person see everything the same way. 

You should place the card on the table. If she's not ready to work with you, then you're moving out. It's not like you're actually going to move out. It's just to remind her that you have that option - and be firm about it.


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## rajspeeder (Apr 29, 2015)

My wife is ready to move to her home country. If she moves out, it will be difficult to reconcile. 
Is it wise to let go my wife and kid for being in a country or have issues with my spouse. 
I dont know how would i live without my kid. Am i going to regret. 
I am not able to make a decision.

I have to admit, i am emotionally weak male person.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

rajspeeder said:


> My wife is ready to move to her home country. If she moves out, it will be difficult to reconcile.
> Is it wise to let go my wife and kid for being in a country or have issues with my spouse.
> I dont know how would i live without my kid. Am i going to regret.
> I am not able to make a decision.
> ...


Maybe that is what she wants. For the immigration to ultimately fail and move back. It can be tough moving to a different culture. I lived abroad for years and never quite fit in outside the workplace and that was just Europe, just another part of the West. 

As far as immigration goes, I know very little. All I can say is that this country needs hard working people in it and since we are not having enough babies to keep the economy going, as far as I am concerned you are most welcome here.


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