# Hurts, not sure what to do next



## sunshade2012 (Sep 10, 2012)

Hi

I am having a hard time. I am feeling very alone, abandoned and unloved. Have been with the same guy since right after college and it has been 25 years that we have been together and 8 since we were married.
Things feel like they are falling apart.
We have a 7 year old son, each work full time jobs, and have experienced and survived a condo fire and rebuilding process.

However the stress of the fire and work and demands of life seem to have taken their toll.

We are in counseling together (couples) and individually.
He is diagnosed with depression and AHDH.
I take antidepressants and have since after the fire (a few years ago). He is on antidepressants, adhd medication and something for his headaches.

He had a head injury last Sept which caused headaches, and je has been even more "sick" more often with headaches and irritability. Things have not been quite right with him since it happened. 
I have been patient but I also feel very alone, very unsupported.
When I ask him for love and support he seems to turn on me and get mad at me.
I am also a survivor of child sexual abuse.
I am a very sensitive person but with him I feel like I am constantly having to defend myself. I feel like it is not safe to be myself anymore. I am angry about this.

So long story short, I am in a really hard place.
It just hurts a lot. 
I need to find friends outside of this relationship. I feel it has become abusive--on both sides--but I feel like I have been working hard to be neutral and straightforward.

I feel like I am basically OK. I manage OK at work, and have been keeping it together at home for the last few years--paying bills, making sure our son is taken care of, cleaning, cooking (hate to cook), doing laundry, making weekend plans...but I am feeling really lonely and sad and sick of being in a relationship without love or sex or good feeling.

I am in a lot of pain right now.

I have been guilty of drinking too much and do not wish to continue on this path. I will do whatever it takes, however long it takes, to be healthy and strong for my son.

But this is such a hard place.
I don't know what to do. Should I be ready for a separation or a divorce? Should I try to work it out? I just don't know.

When it comes to the end of the day, I feel alone. I ask him to be there but he does not want to talk to me--he is too tired.


I could go on but my heart is breaking.

I am afraid this situation is headed for separation/divorce and I hate the idea of doing that to my child BUT I want him to grow up healthy and strong.

I have been very very sad, for several days.


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

I feel the same way here but without the losses. I am so sorry--you are in a hard place. Sometimes when it gets too hard for me I try not to think about the awful spot my marriage seems to be and just let it go--instead of talking I just try to be smiling at him, hug him when I can, and be upbeat, but go about my interests. If he is aggravating me just spending a little time with a book or hobby, or even taking care of me(hot shower and a facial or body lotion that smells good) will calm me down and help me sleep so I can try again tomorrow. This is not a solution but you have a lot of issues and you need to work through and cope with your list, it wont all be fixable. His list will be difficult too. Good luck to you.


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## sunshade2012 (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks


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## tmbirdy (Jul 26, 2011)

I feel your pain. I'm kind of in the same boat. I just posted "a little scared" if you want to know my story. Why is it that people get so distant in relationships that you can't even talk to each other anymore? We have been through a lot of stress as well, and that always adds more complexity to things.
I hope you feel better soon, and I hope I feel better soon. I can't tell you whether to end things or not because that is a lot of stress in itself as well as a huge financial burden.


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

I'd suggest marriage counseling. I'd also suggest him talking to his doctor about running any possible additional tests. Brain injuries can sometimes lead to personality changes including irritability. Look into info on concussions. They've been more in the news because of sports injuries in kids but it's still pretty crazy.


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## sunshade2012 (Sep 10, 2012)

Thanks people.
We are in counseling both individually and as a couple and sometimes it is helpful. Mostly it is hard work.
On a day to day basis, some days are OK and some are really hard.


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