# What should I do? Pretty sure my wife is cheating on me?



## WonderingGuy25

Hi, I am obviously new around here and I wasn't sure how to go about all of this. My wife and I are pretty young in our mid-Twenties but we have been together for about ten years now and we haven't known anyone else but one another in all honesty. Anyway, I am pretty sure my wife is cheating on me and I don't know what I should do. I came home early the other day and some guy I haven't ever seen before was walking out of our house. It wasn't a work truck or anything like that. And when I asked her about it she was extremely evasive and just said it was a friend. But it has been eating at me for a while now and I honestly do not know where to go with this. She has been spending a lot more time on her phone and just hasn't been interested in me as she usually is. And everything and anything turns into a fight as of late. I was talking with some of my best friends and they all think she is cheating on me and that I should just file for a divorce and not put up with this type of behavior. I also confided in my sister, She is my twin so she is probably my closest friend in all honesty so I wasn't sure who else besides my best friends to get a better aspect in all honesty and she agreed. But then again she hasn't ever been my wife's biggest fan. I just, I love her but this is breaking my heart but how do I deal with someone who turns everything into a fight and I can't even talk about this with? Just at a loss.


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## Mr.Married

Howdy WG25,

Ive been around here for some time and have read countless stories just like yours. The fact is: A strange man walked out your house and your wife won’t talk about it.

Let’s get real: You know exactly what’s going on.

Your gut is right. Everyone that comes in here with that gut instinct is always right. You already know the truth.

So let’s discuss how this usually plays out:

1. You beg, plead, and cry to her that she should love you as you hand her your balls to put in her purse and she stays married to you but likely gets better at cheating in the future

2. You act like a man and divorce the witch who is screwing another man while married to you.

Warning: Option 1 never plays out good for you in the long run.

When you go for the divorce she will instantly fall madly in love with you and might give you the sex you always dreamed of ..... yeah don’t fall for that


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## midatlanticdad

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Hi, I am obviously new around here and I wasn't sure how to go about all of this. My wife and I are pretty young in our mid-Twenties but we have been together for about ten years now and we haven't known anyone else but one another in all honesty. Anyway, I am pretty sure my wife is cheating on me and I don't know what I should do. I came home early the other day and some guy I haven't ever seen before was walking out of our house. It wasn't a work truck or anything like that. And when I asked her about it she was extremely evasive and just said it was a friend. But it has been eating at me for a while now and I honestly do not know where to go with this. She has been spending a lot more time on her phone and just hasn't been interested in me as she usually is. And everything and anything turns into a fight as of late. I was talking with some of my best friends and they all think she is cheating on me and that I should just file for a divorce and not put up with this type of behavior. I also confided in my sister, She is my twin so she is probably my closest friend in all honesty so I wasn't sure who else besides my best friends to get a better aspect in all honesty and she agreed. But then again she hasn't ever been my wife's biggest fan. I just, I love her but this is breaking my heart but how do I deal with someone who turns everything into a fight and I can't even talk about this with? Just at a loss.


sorry to tell you likely she is cheating best case scenario she is just checked out on your relationship 

i dont think i could have let it drop if i saw a guy walking out of my house 

you aren’t going to get a straight answer 

she’s lying 

get a voice activated recorder 

read through the threads on this page 

you will see 90% of the posts like yours confirm cheating 

good luck


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Mr.Married said:


> Howdy WG25,
> 
> Ive been around here for some time and have read countless stories just like yours. The fact is: A strange man walked out your house and your wife won’t talk about it.
> 
> Let’s get real: You know exactly what’s going on.
> 
> Your gut is right. Everyone that comes in here with that gut instinct is always right. You already know the truth.
> 
> So let’s discuss how this usually plays out:
> 
> 1. You beg, plead, and cry to her that she should love you as you hand her your balls to put in her purse and she stays married to you but likely gets better at cheating in the future
> 
> 2. You act like a man and divorce the witch who is screwing another man while married to you.
> 
> Warning: Option 1 never plays out good for you in the long run.
> 
> When you go for the divorce she will instantly fall madly in love with you and might give you the sex you always dreamed of ..... yeah don’t fall for that


Option two.

Not even a hard choice for a grown man in the circumstances you described. 

How in the world did you let that strange man walk out of the house without confronting him?

How in the world?

In my world there would have been at least an ass whupping for him, to enter my castle and even talk to my woman.

My W knows without a doubt Ragnar the fearsome would have had all answers from both, before letting the beaten and bloody intruder crawl away.


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## RandomDude

Wonder no more wondering guy! For the truth is staring at you right in the face. However, understandable that you are at the very first stage of grief; denial.

Once you pass that stage, seek legal advice, your options, plan your next move. Ensure you get the upper hand in your impending divorce, so that whether your reconcile or not, likely not - you come out the other end with a win.

If your wife proves repentant (and willing to do accept ALL responsibility and do ANYTHING to reconcile - partial responsibility and bulls--t words don't count) then you decide if you are willing to accept a marriage where for the rest of your life you will never be able to trust her, instead of freeing yourself and finding someone new.

Good luck!

What I would do:


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## SunCMars

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I am pretty sure my wife is cheating on me and I don't know what I should do. I just, I love her but this is breaking my heart


You are 3/4 of the way toward divorce.
You have hit that wall that stops many of those who have been betrayed.

It is that solid_* love *_structure that has not yet collapsed.
A mental wall, not cemented to anything outside of it.

Lose that love, your wife already has.
Lose that love, divorce her, find another love.


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## oldshirt

WonderingGuy25 said:


> . I came home early the other day and some guy I haven't ever seen before was walking out of our house. It wasn't a work truck or anything like that
> 
> . And when I asked her about it she was extremely evasive and just said it was a friend.
> 
> . She has been spending a lot more time on her phone
> 
> - and just hasn't been interested in me as she usually is.
> 
> - everything and anything turns into a fight as of late.
> 
> - so I wasn't sure who else besides my best friends to get a better aspect in all honesty and she agreed.
> 
> - she hasn't ever been my wife's biggest fan.
> 
> - someone who turns everything into a fight .


Every single one of these statements is a documented sign of infidelity. 

Is any particular one proof of an affair? ( well, I think the dude walking out of your house was) but for the sake of argument lets say that none of these individual statements is actual proof. 

But put them all together here and you have more red flags than a Chinese parade. 

Right now your biggest enemy is going to be your own sense of denial. You have to believe this is for real. 

For the moment, stop asking her about it. This will just tip them off and they will go deeper underground and will start planning on how to screw you over. Smile and act like your normal chipper self. 

But while you are smiling and acting like all is normal, get yourself to a divorce lawyer ASAP and start making solid plans to protect your property, financial assets and relationship with your children if you have them. (if you don't have children, that is a blessing. Just make sure you don't knock her up no matter how hard she pleads for you to cum inside her) 

Get a plan in place so you can immediately cut off her access to your accounts and have plans in place on what to do about the house and cars etc. 

You will not need to convince her she is having an affair. She already knows so you do not have to have the smoking gun that proves beyond all doubt to convince her. 

All you need is enough to break your dillusion and your own denial. Plant a voice activated recorder in her car or other places she may have a private conversation (cheaters often talk in the car) Since they are so bold as to do it in your own house, if you plant a nanny cam in the bedroom, you'll have all you need. 

Otherwise hack into her phone and computers and social media etc. 

If you are tipping her off with your suspicions, she may have gone through and deleted everything already. 

If you don't have the balls or technical knowhow to recover deleted material, you may want to consider hiring a PI. If you do that, you will have your answer in a day or two. 

If they are so bold they are banging it out in your house, this should be kind of a slam dunk as long as you keep your mouth shut. 

#1 Get plans in place to protect yourself financially and secure access to your children first and have divorce papers ready to go. 

#2. Get whatever evidence you need to get YOURSELF out of your dream world and denial and to accept the fact this is really happening. 

#3. Execute the plan. Do what the lawyer says and only what the lawyer says. Anything that you think you should do will be wrong. Trust me on that. Your instincts here will lead you astray and bite you in the arse. The lawyer has been to law school and has been involved in countless divorces and knows the legal loopholes and pitfalls as well as the entitlments and responsibilities in your jurisdiction. Follow his/her advise.


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## Nailhead

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I was talking with some of my best friends and they all think she is cheating on me and that I should just file for a divorce and not put up with this type of behavior.


Your friends are correct. Keep these friends. They are good ones!


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## oldshirt

midatlanticdad said:


> you will see 90% of the posts like yours confirm cheating


Correction - posts with a fraction of the red flags as yours have a 90% conformation rate.

Add up your red flags and you are well into the 98.9999% catagory.


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## michzz

Sorry to hear what you are experiencing. many of us have been through it, so don't get mad at the responses.

I would caution you to NOT have any sex with her while you sort this out. Get tested for STIs, she may have exposed you to something you do not want to deal with.

You may think this extreme, it is not. Protect your health!

My cheating ex-wife exposed me to something (HPV) that gave me cancer decades later.

Suck up your pain and be wise.


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## oldshirt

michzz said:


> Sorry to hear what you are experiencing. many of us have been through it, so don't get mad at the responses.
> 
> I would caution you to NOT have any sex with her while you sort this out. Get tested for STIs, she may have exposed you to something you do not want to deal with.
> 
> You may think this extreme, it is not. Protect your health!
> 
> My cheating ex-wife exposed me to something (HPV) that gave me cancer decades later.
> 
> Suck up your pain and be wise.


Not only is the risk of STI’s a valid concern, but you do not want to get her knocked up and be stuck with either her and a kid if you stay or stuck with child support if you do divorce. 

And more importantly, it is not at all rare that a woman will get knocked up by the other man and then she will seduce the husband and pass the kid off as his. 

Even if DNA later shows the husband is not the biological father, often times the court doesn’t care and the chested husband can still be held liable for the financial support of the child. Obscenely unfair and not right, but it does happen. 

Protect your sperm and your health. This can be easier said than done. Some cheating wives will seem to transform into porn stars if they think the husband is getting close to busting them or leaving them and will use sex and hysterical bonding to try to sooth it over or to try to cover up a pregnancy by the other man.


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## re16

Good advice so far.

Rule #1 Don't do any false confronts. If you haven't gone straight to the divorce yet, play it cool and get your evidence.

Once you accuse, they will try to hid it more. Sony VAR works wonders.

Have you done the basics like check your phone bill? Do you have access to her phone?

Be thankful you don't have kids yet.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Wake up friend. She is having an affair.


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## WonderingGuy25

No we don't have any kids yet we have been trying but I haven't confronted or even accused her yet. In all honesty every time I think about it I just get sick. And no I didn't confront the guy coming out of my house, I am pretty passive-aggressive and just anti confrontational in general. Also I deal with anxiety and depression and I have aspergers so that all together and I just don't like to fight and argue I avoid it in general. I did talk to a friend who is a lawyer and just discussed my next steps and what I should do ext. He told me if I really want to control the divorce I need proof of her cheating otherwise it is just a he said she said type of deal.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> No we don't have any kids yet we have been trying but I haven't confronted or even accused her yet. In all honesty every time I think about it I just get sick. And no I didn't confront the guy coming out of my house, I am pretty passive-aggressive and just anti confrontational in general. Also I deal with anxiety and depression and I have aspergers so that all together and I just don't like to fight and argue I avoid it in general. I did talk to a friend who is a lawyer and just discussed my next steps and what I should do ext. He told me if I really want to control the divorce I need proof of her cheating otherwise it is just a he said she said type of deal.


Now we can get down to business!

So I'm guessing you are in a state with fault divorce? Then use your anti-confrontational nature to your benefit, yes, it is an advantage. Did you discuss with him the legality of surveillance where you live as well?
Play dumb, act normal, gather evidence. Do not confront or reveal anything until you need to at court. Play it as cold as ice. No argument. Just plain action.

After you get the divorce finalised in your terms, reveal everything not yet revealed to your friends and family if you so wish it. Either way, good luck, you have a good head start.


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## oldshirt

WonderingGuy25 said:


> No we don't have any kids yet we have been trying but I haven't confronted or even accused her yet. In all honesty every time I think about it I just get sick. And no I didn't confront the guy coming out of my house, I am pretty passive-aggressive and just anti confrontational in general. Also I deal with anxiety and depression and I have aspergers so that all together and I just don't like to fight and argue I avoid it in general. I did talk to a friend who is a lawyer and just discussed my next steps and what I should do ext. He told me if I really want to control the divorce I need proof of her cheating otherwise it is just a he said she said type of deal.


Everything I said above about pregnancy- multiply that by 100 if you’ve been trying to conceive. 

She would have perfect opportunity to get knocked up by the OM and pass it off as yours. 

And if she conceives/delivers before you file or take some kind of legal injunction, you could be held financially responsible for the child since you are the legal marital partner.


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## Evinrude58

Just wanted to say a couple of things.

don’t blame yourself in any way for your wife cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused the cheating. That’s all on your wife.
Next. Most importantly: You are in love with who your wife WAS. Once a woman gets feelings for someone else and cheats, she loses ALL feelings for her husband and doesn’t care if you live or die. She will do things you never thought she was capable of. She WILL blow your mind at how cold and callous and crazy she will act toward you. She is no longer your wife. So you need to expect her to do the exact opposite of what you expect.

In no way should you show any weakness whatsoever, and never ever waste your time thinking you can have a meaningful talk with her. As said, please don’t plead with her— it will have the opposite effect.
simply do as suggested already and get a good lawyer and go from there.

it’s incredibly hard, but you should never talk to her again, and should hire a PI if you’re in an at fault state and get her for adultery no matter how much debt it incurs.

Im sorry. You are now in for a fight for your future.


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## oldshirt

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I did talk to a friend who is a lawyer and just discussed my next steps and what I should do ext. He told me if I really want to control the divorce I need proof of her cheating otherwise it is just a he said she said type of deal.


Are you in a fault state? 

Even if you are, proof of her cheating may not make a whole lot of difference in a divorce. 

Where it often matters is if it can be shown that she was using marital assets to conduct the affair, you may be able to get some consideration of that out of her division of the assets.

In other words if she was buying him designer clothes she liked or hunting equipment as gifts or if she was the one paying for hotel rooms etc, you may be able to get some of that back out of her share of the assets. 

Even in fault cases though, some times the biggest asset of having proof is sometimes those records can be used as leverage to get them to settle more readily if you agree to not make the proof public. 

People often have the impression that infidelity in an at fault divorce means they get what they want in the divorce but that’s rarely the case. Even in fault cases, the division is usually going to come out pretty close to 50/50. 

Courts are obligated to try keep people from coming back appealing and further clogging up the court system because they weren’t treated fairly so it’s actually kind of rare that the cheater really has the book thrown at them.


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## jlg07

I would get a PI on this -- you know the guy came to your house. It shouldn't be too hard to find out what is going on for them.


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## Openminded

In the U.S., all states allow no-fault divorce. Some states, additionally, allow fault. Infidelity is not usually cited in the divorce documents but is sometimes used informally during negotiations to try to get a better deal. The threat of exposure, in other words. Occasionally, it works.

What the opposing party sometimes does is contest the divorce their spouse has filed. That’s a counter-suit/counter-claim. It can take time and money — sometimes a lot of both — to resolve. It’s better to avoid that, obviously, and agree on the divorce terms before filing. In a normal, non-contested divorce, you file and after a waiting period that varies by state, you’re divorced.

Divorce can be simple or it can be complicated. Try to the best of your ability for simple but know that complicated can and does happen.


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## Mr.Married

Aaaahhhh..... your an Aspie. Well that changes things. I’m no expert by any means but there is one guy here that might have some good help for you.


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## RandomDude

Why would his lawyer friend suggest getting proof of infidelity then if it's going to be so useless in court? Question though for @WonderingGuy25 - is he a family lawyer?


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## oldshirt

RandomDude said:


> Why would his lawyer friend suggest getting proof of infidelity then if it's going to be so useless in court? Question though for @WonderingGuy25 - is he a family lawyer?


That was one of my questions as well. You don’t go to a podiatrist when you have lung cancer.

Is this friend a family law attorney or some kind corporate or criminal lawyer. 

Even in fault states, in the end it often doesn’t make much nuts and bolts difference to have proof.


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## GC1234

I think your wife is most likely cheating. No one just comes to the house to 'hang out', I'm sorry. You need to deal with this now, because if you don't, it's just going to be more complicated later (especially if you decide to have kids). I'm not excusing her behavior, but marrying young/being together so many years was probably a mistake. A lot of people should date and experience life before they settle. You may not have needed that, but it seems like she did. I wouldn't have any kids with her, and also, set up a hidden camera in the house.


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## Diana7

If you can, get hold of her phone and put a voice activated recorder in the car. I think you will soon find out what is going on.


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## TJW

Unless a lawyer tells you otherwise, I would advise you to not even bother with "finding out".... get the lawyer's advice, THEN confront your wife. If she wants to save her marriage, then let it be ON HER to to prove it's not an affair, and to convince you why you shouldn't just leave and be done with her forever.....


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## WonderingGuy25

My friend is in corporate law/litigation, But I figured he would still have some idea of what I should do plus it was free advice. He has a divorce lawyer I can go to if and when I am ready to move forward with it all. She told me she is pregnant this morning and all I could think about instead of even being happy about it, that it probably isn't even my kid. Like how terrible is that? It just has me pretty depressed I am probably just gonna attempt and confront her here soon and make her prove to me she isn't cheating but I don't know if I would even believe it in all honesty.


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## oldshirt

WonderingGuy25 said:


> My friend is in corporate law/litigation, But I figured he would still have some idea of what I should do plus it was free advice. He has a divorce lawyer I can go to if and when I am ready to move forward with it all. She told me she is pregnant this morning and all I could think about instead of even being happy about it, that it probably isn't even my kid. Like how terrible is that? It just has me pretty depressed I am probably just gonna attempt and confront her here soon and make her prove to me she isn't cheating but I don't know if I would even believe it in all honesty.


That’s a pretty big bomb shell. 

You need to see an actual family law or bulldog divorce attorney ASAP as you will need to do DNA testing ASAP and get various legal papers filed before you get stuck paying for a child that isn’t yours for 18 years.


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## TJW

WonderingGuy25 said:


> instead of even being happy about it, that it probably isn't even my kid. Like how terrible is that?


Terrible, indeed.... I remember.... mine wasn't pregnant.... she only thought it because she had no menstruation one month. I wasn't happy about it, I was too old to start raising a baby, and, I was relatively sure it wouldn't be my baby..... get DNA test..... listen to @oldshirt..... the court system is not going to care whether you are bio-dad, or not, you will be paying if you stay there....


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## Casual Observer

WonderingGuy25 said:


> She told me she is pregnant this morning and all I could think about instead of even being happy about it, that it probably isn't even my kid. Like how terrible is that? It just has me pretty depressed I am probably just gonna attempt and confront her here soon and make her prove to me she isn't cheating but I don't know if I would even believe it in all honesty.


If she is indeed pregnant, and if it turns out she hasn't been cheating, there is suddenly an unexpected downside, of epic proportion, to an unproven scenario that turns out to be false. 

If it turns out that you're incorrect in your suspicions and something about your personality has been seeing things through a filter that's not letting everything through... then this falls heavily onto your shoulders. 

I don't know where to even begin. This could be one of the most special moments of your life, and if you've been reading everything all wrong, if she's innocent, if it's your kid... then every moment you're not sharing in that joy is working at destroying a future that might have been.

If it were possible, which I doubt, I'd suggest sucking it up and forcing yourself to believe the best, convey that to your pregnant wife, while at the same time doing the voice activated recorder thing and determine the truth. This isn't trust but verify, because you do not trust her. This is the nightmarish scenario that happens if there's no EA or PA, the kid is yours, and it turns out that it was you that checked out of the marriage through reading things incorrectly.

I don't know what to wish for.


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## WonderingGuy25

Mr.Married said:


> Aaaahhhh..... your an Aspie. Well that changes things. I’m no expert by any means but there is one guy here that might have some good help for you.


Yeah I am an Aspie, she has always understood me and never held things against me and usually been able to cut through my stuff but now I have just closed her out and she can tell. But if she would just be honest and not try to start a fight about everything then I wouldn't be closing her out like this.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> My friend is in corporate law/litigation, But I figured he would still have some idea of what I should do plus it was free advice. He has a divorce lawyer I can go to if and when I am ready to move forward with it all. She told me she is pregnant this morning and all I could think about instead of even being happy about it, that it probably isn't even my kid. Like how terrible is that? It just has me pretty depressed I am probably just gonna attempt and confront her here soon and make her prove to me she isn't cheating but I don't know if I would even believe it in all honesty.


F*** ...
Legal advice of *divorce* lawyer *NOW*


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## ABHale

Sorry you are going through this.

You know she is cheating on you. Talk with the divorce lawyer and let him know that your wife is pregnant now. Get him to get a court ordered dna test. If she is pregnant, more then likely it isn’t yours. File for divorce and wait for the dna results.


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## Evinrude58

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yeah I am an Aspie, she has always understood me and never held things against me and usually been able to cut through my stuff but now I have just closed her out and she can tell. But if she would just be honest and not try to start a fight about everything then I wouldn't be closing her out like this.


Your wife is pregnant and you are doubting the baby is yours. I can’t think of a more valid reason to shut one’s wife out, see an attorney, and divorce.
Your wife was quite clearly having sex with another man in your own bed. Her reaction to your question was about as 100% guilty as it could be.

Your wife doesn’t CARE that you’re shutting her out. If the OM would marry her and provide security for her, she’d already have you out on your nose.

You are a foolish man indeed if you don’t see an attorney. Once a woman has lost her feelings for a man, they’re gone forever. Thing is, after seeing a man come out of your house, why should you even care about her? I realize it’s difficult to turn off one’s feelings. Screw feelings. You have to do what is logical.
You don’t really have a choice.


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## aine

Make yourself scarce for some time, plant audio recorders in the house. You can also buy cheap camcorder and plant in house. Collect evidence, do not put her on notice you suspect anything. 
Record everything she says also when she is talking to you. She will trip herself up. Ask her about the strange guy and what he was doing in the house, etc which friend, where does he live, etc. You have every right to ask, you are her husband. Do not get angry, fight, etc. Ask her why is she fighting?
Once you have evidence then you will know how to proceed.


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## Mr.Married

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yeah I am an Aspie, she has always understood me and never held things against me and usually been able to cut through my stuff but now I have just closed her out and she can tell. But if she would just be honest and not try to start a fight about everything then I wouldn't be closing her out like this.


I don’t know much about your condition but I think it makes you really logical and able to remove some emotional qualities.

So as you probably can figure out .... she is very likely cheating.

But the big question here is: What do you want to happen? Your probably better than anyone to be able to forget and forgive. The issue with that is what if it happens again? Do you want to work towards stopping all that fighting and arguing and give her a second chance?


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## Beach123

Nest camera in the home now! You can watch what’s happening in the home in real time from an app on your phone. Usually costs about $100 - has audio too - so you could literally listen to her too.


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## notmyjamie

The problem with telling her to prove she isn’t cheating is how can she do that? There are no documents to show or pictures that prove she’s not cheating. You can only prove that she is cheating.


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## Blondilocks

Just in case it hasn't been said - stop having sex with her and try to remember the dates of your latest sexual encounters.


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## oldshirt

notmyjamie said:


> The problem with telling her to prove she isn’t cheating is how can she do that? There are no documents to show or pictures that prove she’s not cheating. You can only prove that she is cheating.


A DNA test will show if the child is biologically his or not.


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## oldtruck

prenatal DNA test before the baby is born.
safe they take the mothers blood because there are some of the baby's
DNA in it.


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## WonderingGuy25

So I slept at a Hotel last night things just came to ahead last night. She got mad at me for not being more happy about the pregnancy and then accused me of cheating on here since I haven't tried to do anything with her since I saw that guy coming out of our house. Well I honestly lost it on her and lost my cool with her and just blurted it all out that I think she is the one cheating having some random dude in our house while I am away that clearly wasn't there for work ext. And that anytime I try and bring it up and talk to her about it she shuts it down and or turns it into a fight and that she has been turning everything into a fight as of late. I told her we need some time apart ans that until she can prove she wasn't cheating this just wasn't gonna work and that I will probably be divorcing her. She has been calling and texting me nonstop all day today and I just haven't responded so far. The sheer fact she accused me of cheating just really bothered me after the way she has been acting ugh.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> So I slept at a Hotel last night things just came to ahead last night. She got mad at me for not being more happy about the pregnancy and then accused me of cheating on here since I haven't tried to do anything with her since I saw that guy coming out of our house. Well I honestly lost it on her and lost my cool with her and just blurted it all out that I think she is the one cheating having some random dude in our house while I am away that clearly wasn't there for work ext. And that anytime I try and bring it up and talk to her about it she shuts it down and or turns it into a fight and that she has been turning everything into a fight as of late. I told her we need some time apart ans that until she can prove she wasn't cheating this just wasn't gonna work and that I will probably be divorcing her. She has been calling and texting me nonstop all day today and I just haven't responded so far. The sheer fact she accused me of cheating just really bothered me after the way she has been acting ugh.


Cheaters tend to accuse the other spouse of cheating. Polygraph and DNA if you ever plan to think of reconciliation.


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## syhoybenden

Divinely Favored said:


> Polygraph and DNA if you ever plan to think of reconciliation.



Repeated for emphasis.


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## re16

Wow, the timing of this pregnancy is awful.

Getting pregnant with your wife should be one of the most exciting / best feelings in life, to have it tainted this way, with just realizing an affair might be happening, is something I can't say I've heard of before.

There is a lot at stake and confirming an affair or not is critical.

You might consider just threatening the polygraph and drive to their parking lot acting like she is about to take one to get a parking lot confession, she doesn't even need to take the actual test (not that reliable anyway), the parking lot discussion is what you are after.

What evidence have you reviewed so far? She must have been in communication with this guy before he came over, you need to review that communication.

Do you even know who he is or has she been protecting his identify?


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## Evinrude58

Accusing the betrayed spouse of cheating——- classic cheater script.
you need a lawyer yesterday. I would say the chance if that child being yours is pretty low.
Polygragh would def be something I’d consider demanding before even having a conversation, and yes, a parking lot confession is what you’d get. But those are always lacking in the whole story.


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## manfromlamancha

What did she actually say when you told her that you saw this guy coming out ? Who did she say he was and why was he there?


----------



## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> So I slept at a Hotel last night things just came to ahead last night. She got mad at me for not being more happy about the pregnancy and then accused me of cheating on here since I haven't tried to do anything with her since I saw that guy coming out of our house. Well I honestly lost it on her and lost my cool with her and just blurted it all out that I think she is the one cheating having some random dude in our house while I am away that clearly wasn't there for work ext. And that anytime I try and bring it up and talk to her about it she shuts it down and or turns it into a fight and that she has been turning everything into a fight as of late. I told her we need some time apart ans that until she can prove she wasn't cheating this just wasn't gonna work and that I will probably be divorcing her. She has been calling and texting me nonstop all day today and I just haven't responded so far. The sheer fact she accused me of cheating just really bothered me after the way she has been acting ugh.


Argh... like springing a mouse trap too early and watching it scurry away. 

But hey, you did what you had to do, it's very difficult to keep your feelings under wraps especially after such devastation. As for her accusing you of cheating, this is just typical projection. 
See a divorce lawyer as soon as possible as we have mentioned. Be aware that she will have her guard up now though... _sigh_.


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## Mr.Married

I think you did great. You stood firm and made it clear what you will not tolerate. Good for you !


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## GC1234

Evinrude58 said:


> Your wife is pregnant and you are doubting the baby is yours. I can’t think of a more valid reason to shut one’s wife out, see an attorney, and divorce.
> Your wife was quite clearly having sex with another man in your own bed. Her reaction to your question was about as 100% guilty as it could be.
> 
> Your wife doesn’t CARE that you’re shutting her out. If the OM would marry her and provide security for her, she’d already have you out on your nose.
> 
> You are a foolish man indeed if you don’t see an attorney. Once a woman has lost her feelings for a man, they’re gone forever. Thing is, after seeing a man come out of your house, why should you even care about her? I realize it’s difficult to turn off one’s feelings. Screw feelings. You have to do what is logical.
> You don’t really have a choice.


This is spot on! All true


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## notmyjamie

oldshirt said:


> A DNA test will show if the child is biologically his or not.


I was referred to OP's statement that he had decided not to look for proof of an affair, but would make her prove she wasn't having one, this came before he announced the positive pregnancy test. But even so, if she's been sleeping with them both, there is a 50% chance that baby is the OP's and if so, still doesn't prove she's not having an affair.


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## oldshirt

notmyjamie said:


> I was referred to OP's statement that he had decided not to look for proof of an affair, but would make her prove she wasn't having one, this came before he announced the positive pregnancy test. But even so, if she's been sleeping with them both, there is a 50% chance that baby is the OP's and if so, still doesn't prove she's not having an affair.


No it certainly doesn’t prove no affair if the baby is his. 

But at this point, being prepared for the possibility it isn’t his should rank high on the to-do list.


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## notmyjamie

oldshirt said:


> No it certainly doesn’t prove no affair if the baby is his.
> 
> But at this point, being prepared for the possibility it isn’t his should rank high on the to-do list.


Agreed, I 100% think she's cheating, but I think his plan of making her "Prove" she isn't cheating is very flawed. There is nothing to show proof of fidelity, but there is plenty to prove infidelity. Just what is she going to produce? A letter she's written saying she isn't cheating? Well, she can write anything she wants...who is to say it's true? His plan is mighty flawed. Of course, if he doesn't trust her the marriage can't continue anyway. It's a crappy situation all around. Bad bad timing for a pregnancy. She did this to herself though. I feel bad for him.


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## WonderingGuy25

When I asked her about the guy she said he was just a friend and that they were catching up. But she was super defensive about it and like I said she has been picking fights about everything. She left me a Voice-mail last night crying asking why I was throwing away our marriage and swearing she hadn't done anything wrong and that she hasn't been cheating on me. I just dunno what to believe I love her I really do but I just can't shake that feeling of doubt. I am supposed to meet with my friends divorce lawyer he knows and recommends after work. I guess we will see how that goes. Ending this will be incredibly hard for me to end it with the one person who has always understood me and hasn't ever held what I have against me like it is some kind of plague ya know?


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## ABHale

What was her reasoning for the stranger leaving your home.


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## oldshirt

At least meet with the lawyer and find out what your options are and what you legal responsibilities and entitlements will be.

And especially find out what your options are in protecting yourself if this baby turns out not to be yours. 

Just because you meet with a lawyer and determine your options does not mean that you have to actually file at this time.


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## jlg07

WonderingGuy25 said:


> When I asked her about the guy she said he was just a friend and that they were catching up. But she was super defensive about it and like I said she has been picking fights about everything. She left me a Voice-mail last night crying asking why I was throwing away our marriage and swearing she hadn't done anything wrong and that she hasn't been cheating on me. I just dunno what to believe I love her I really do but I just can't shake that feeling of doubt. I am supposed to meet with my friends divorce lawyer he knows and recommends after work. I guess we will see how that goes. Ending this will be incredibly hard for me to end it with the one person who has always understood me and hasn't ever held what I have against me like it is some kind of plague ya know?


Surely she has to know that it was COMPLETELY inappropriate to have a man over while you were not there.
She HAS done something wrong -- at the VERY LEAST she hasn't protected you and your marriage.
If she is so upset, have her hand over her phone right in front of you and let you run recovery software on it to get any deleted texts/etc. If she will not, you know....

You can always have her take a polygraph also....


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## Lostinthought61

WonderingGuy25 said:


> When I asked her about the guy she said he was just a friend and that they were catching up. But she was super defensive about it and like I said she has been picking fights about everything. She left me a Voice-mail last night crying asking why I was throwing away our marriage and swearing she hadn't done anything wrong and that she hasn't been cheating on me. I just dunno what to believe I love her I really do but I just can't shake that feeling of doubt. I am supposed to meet with my friends divorce lawyer he knows and recommends after work. I guess we will see how that goes. Ending this will be incredibly hard for me to end it with the one person who has always understood me and hasn't ever held what I have against me like it is some kind of plague ya know?


if he was a long lost friend why did she not introduce him to you...that is a load of crap...question when you came in was her attire and hair dishevel ?


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## Evinrude58

Catching up? Yes, on all the wild sex moves they’ve been daydreaming about having. Simple, as said— hand over phone and polygragh.


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## Evinrude58

Her defensiveness was all the proof you need. Strange man coming out of your house? Yeah, friend......... whatever. Don’t be that stupid to believe lies. Your gut is 100% accurate unless you’re a paranoid wacko.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> When I asked her about the guy she said he was just a friend and that they were catching up. But she was super defensive about it and like I said she has been picking fights about everything. She left me a Voice-mail last night crying asking why I was throwing away our marriage and swearing she hadn't done anything wrong and that she hasn't been cheating on me. I just dunno what to believe I love her I really do but I just can't shake that feeling of doubt. I am supposed to meet with my friends divorce lawyer he knows and recommends after work. I guess we will see how that goes. Ending this will be incredibly hard for me to end it with the one person who has always understood me and hasn't ever held what I have against me like it is some kind of plague ya know?


Meeting with a divorce lawyer will not only present to you your options, it will also empower you into making the best decision. Right now you are in the dark in more ways than one.

Your wife isn't doing anything to rebuild your shattered trust after what she did but giving you lip service. She's acting out like a typical cheater, acting defensive, projecting, denial, etc. Another reason I recommended not confronting her at first because evidence is easier to procure when their guard is down.

In your shoes right now I would pretend to forgive her tell her I trust her then bug everything she has from her phone to her car, her laptop etc.  If its all legal of course - hence lawyer once again.


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## oldtruck

Divinely Favored said:


> Cheaters tend to accuse the other spouse of cheating. Polygraph and DNA if you ever plan to think of reconciliation.





syhoybenden said:


> Repeated for emphasis.


so true

take this to the bank


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## WonderingGuy25

I talked with my friend and the divorce lawyer for a few hours at a restaurant. I told him to get things rolling and I would let him know in a few days rather or not to file. I just feel guilty like I am throwing my marriage away or something if that makes any sense. As we were walking out ran into some of my wife's friends just awful timing and they all jumped down my throat about divorcing her when she is pregnant. And I just told em it wasn't any of their business and to not concern themselves in our relationship. Wife also found my hotel and hotel room last night. Just everything that could go wrong last night did not to mention i gave into her and we had sex. Not as strong as I would like.


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## Evinrude58

You need to get to the bottom of whether or not she’s cheating. What did your attorney say? I’m sure he didn’t say, “Bob, go have sex with her”, but I know it’s difficult. Have you asked for her phone? Asked the guy’s name? Got a VAR? 
you need to do some detective work.

thing is, you’ve not gotten a reasonable explanation why a man was in your house while you weren’t home, nor have you gotten any kind of apology that you’ve mentioned, or an admission that having a male friend over to your home while she is alone is wrong and not going to happen again.
Again, what did your lawyer think you should do?


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## Blondilocks

WonderingGuy25 said:


> i gave into her and we had sex.


Make sure you tell your lawyer this. Depending on how you are filing, it could have bearing. Of course; you'll probably ignore this advice, too.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I talked with my friend and the divorce lawyer for a few hours at a restaurant. I told him to get things rolling and I would let him know in a few days rather or not to file. I just feel guilty like I am throwing my marriage away or something if that makes any sense. As we were walking out ran into some of my wife's friends just awful timing and they all jumped down my throat about divorcing her when she is pregnant. And I just told em it wasn't any of their business and to not concern themselves in our relationship. Wife also found my hotel and hotel room last night. Just everything that could go wrong last night did not to mention i gave into her and we had sex. Not as strong as I would like.


Two basic questions we have been needing answered as to tailor our responses to your thread:

Fault or no fault divorce where you live?
Legality of surveillance in court?

I would have given your wife's friends a mouthful for supporting your wife cheating on you and telling them to haul their skanky asses out of your way.

First however we need those questions answered otherwise our advice may not be helpful at all.


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## WonderingGuy25

I already told the lawyer this morning what had happened. Lawyer advised me last night that she is probably cheating and that if I file now I can probably control the outcome but that if I wait then this could get messy and drawn out.


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## WonderingGuy25

RandomDude said:


> Two basic questions we have been needing answered as to tailor our responses to your thread:
> 
> Fault or no fault divorce where you live?
> Legality of surveillance in court?
> 
> I would have given your wife's friends a mouthful for supporting your wife cheating on you and telling them to haul their skanky asses out of your way.
> 
> First however we need those questions answered otherwise our advice may not be helpful at all.


We have fault divorce, And we are a two party consent for surveillance ext. They didn't know she was or rather us cheating my wife made it out like I was just up and leaving her while she is pregnant.


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## RandomDude

@WonderingGuy25 

Fault divorce with two party consent, _sigh_ I would have preferred no-fault than two party consent. Evidence can be difficult without surveillance especially now you've raised the alarm, however there lies the paternity test for her child which can still be used as evidence (still a chance it won't be however even if consented, as mentioned before).

Your lawyer suggests filing now for the upper hand so I would believe they know best how to proceed, and I can understand why, waiting will only give your unfaithful wife time to prepare and complicate matters. As for her friends and family they will have to learn the truth of things eventually, only reason they shouldn't is when you have a plan in place for discretion.

It's fault divorce and as others have mentioned it's going to be a fight for your future, and you have to prepare yourself accordingly. Oh, and by the way, sleeping with your wife right now was a bad move. You need to consider your steps now very carefully, I know your emotions may be playing up and you are all over the place yes but everything you do now will determine how your life will be like in years to come.


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## WonderingGuy25

I really wanna set her down and have an actual conversation about all of this and see if I can get any answers. I know it might be a waste of time but I really do need some answers. Because what if she isn't cheating and I am just throwing it all away. Hard not to have doubts at this stage. Hard not to question things like this when you love this person and you thought they've you too but now you think it is a lie.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I really wanna set her down and have an actual conversation about all of this and see if I can get any answers. I know it might be a waste of time but I really do need some answers. Because what if she isn't cheating and I am just throwing it all away. Hard not to have doubts at this stage. Hard not to question things like this when you love this person and you thought they've you too but now you think it is a lie.


Very well, if you wish to take this route, what I would do in your shoes...

I would let her know there's only one way she can save this and make her aware that there is only one narrow road out of this - which isn't unreasonable at all (if she isn't cheating):

First she will need to acknowledge that being alone with a man in your house warrants suspicion and she will have to prove that she isn't cheating when all evidence points towards it. To that end, if she agrees with that, she will need to give you access to her phone, her laptop, other personal devices as well as his contact details. Then, she is call and invite him over, right in front of you. Once he is over, you can have a cordial conversation with him to verify her story and ensure it is consistent. This has to be resolved without giving her time to tell the other man what to say or what story to spin. Of course, she may already have her bases covered since you confronted her, but you decide if you will be happy with her answers or not. I doubt she will get past stage one, but you can try.

I think we both know what's going to happen / and already happens whenever you try to talk to her.


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## Mr.Married

She will tell you ANYTHING and EVERYTHING you want to hear.... and it will all be a lie.

She is playing “save her a$$” now.

Dude ..... fighting and strange man in your house !!!!!!!!!!!

Asking a cheater for the truth ....... you just as well smash your face in with a shovel.


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## Beach123

File now. Dna the baby while she’s pregnant.
You can decide later whether or not to finalize the divorce.
If she won’t OFFER her complete truth then don’t even consider staying.
If the baby is yours and she’s not honest - you can certainly raise the child on your own.
If it’s not yours at least you’re ahead of her game.


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## Beach123

Don’t expect her truth when you sit her down for any talk... cheaters lie every time they speak... so it’s really worthless to have a talk.


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## Robert22205

When you arrived home (after the OM left) was there any evidence that they had chatted over coffee & cake, or some other beverage at the kitchen table?

IMO you have every right to be suspicious. And it's not just about this particular guy. It's about appropriate behavior with the opposite sex, boundaries - and how she must agree to treat you going forward. 

I suggest you both read and discuss the book: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. You'll both be better prepared to discuss and understand what just happened. 

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Catching her with a visitor at your home behind your back without any real explanation of who & what he is to her is a big fail on her part. 

Under those circumstances, it's not up to you to trust a very brief guilty and dismissive explanation. All she had to do is apologize for how it appeared and then explain who he is, how she knows him, and why they decided to meet in private. 

She screwed up and severely weakened your trust in her. It's now up to her to prove to you that she was not in an affair nor flirting or even thinking about having an affair with the visitor. 

1 - IMO, prior to meeting her, she should first provide the visitor's name and contact information, his marital status, how she knows him and for how long she's known him?

Plus, why did she meet him at home rather than a public place (coffee shop)?

2 - Is she willing to take a DNA test to remove the doubt she created?

3 - Is she willing to take a polygraph test as a first step to rebuilding your trust? Sometimes just mentioning the test is enough to encourage a confession.

If she's not willing to clean up her mess by making an effort to restore trust, there's not point in meeting with her to listen to her empty words & promises.


----------



## oldshirt

WonderingGuy25 said:


> As we were walking out ran into some of my wife's friends just awful timing and they all jumped down my throat about divorcing her when she is pregnant. And I just told em it wasn't any of their business and to not concern themselves in our relationship.



Huh??? 

How could they possibly know who this guy was or that you were talking about divorce??

Was he wearing a “Divorce Lawyer” hat or something??


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## manfromlamancha

Apart from the guy leaving your home when you arrived what else has she done to suggest she has been cheating? In your opening post you said that you were pretty sure that she has been cheating on you - why are you pretty sure?

And what did she say about being (a) defensive, and (b) evasive when asked about this guy? How long has she known him? Had she ever mentioned him to you before? If not then what was her reason for not telling you more about him?

You need to answer these questions before anything else.


----------



## RandomDude

@WonderingGuy25
Updates?


----------



## ABHale

Schedule a polygraph and take her to it.

If he is a friend then why has he been kept secret from you all this time?

If he is just a friend, why is your wife meeting him in secret while you are at work?

Tell her you want a polygraph done to verify she is telling the truth.

You need to let her know your trust is ruined because of her deceit with this friend. Because of this deceit you will request a dna test of the baby when born.


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## WonderingGuy25

oldshirt said:


> Huh???
> 
> How could they possibly know who this guy was or that you were talking about divorce??
> 
> Was he wearing a “Divorce Lawyer” hat or something??


Because I had told my wife that I was considering and most likely going to file for a divorce when we had gotten into our big fight from a few days ago.


----------



## WonderingGuy25

Sorry it has been a busy stressful weekend. Thus why I am just now getting around to this. I met up with my wife and we had a sit down she still swears there is nothing going on and that she is more then willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to me including taking a polygraph. She said it was the first time they had met up and he just dropped by the house without warning. She blamed being so short and everything on the pregnancy. I dunno what I believe at this stage now. She really got into my head and then asked if I was still taking my meds and that she was considering bakeracting me based on how I have been acting. I just got really angry that she dismissed all of my feelings based on my mood and meds. Just so frustrating.


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## WonderingGuy25

Wanted to add that I don't feel like my anxiety or aspergers would effect this in any shape or form. She just mind ****ed me really hard I should have known better then meeting up with her.


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## jlg07

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry it has been a busy stressful weekend. Thus why I am just now getting around to this. I met up with my wife and we had a sit down she still swears there is nothing going on and that she is more then willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to me including taking a polygraph. She said it was the first time they had met up and he just dropped by the house without warning. She blamed being so short and everything on the pregnancy. I dunno what I believe at this stage now. She really got into my head and then asked if I was still taking my meds and that she was considering bakeracting me based on how I have been acting. I just got really angry that she dismissed all of my feelings based on my mood and meds. Just so frustrating.


SO, Why did this guy have your address? WHY did he think it was OK for him to just "drop by" when they knew you were at work? I still think she is gaslighting you especially since she turned it around so quickly that this is YOUR fault due to meds.


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## Evinrude58

No real explanation there. I’d pony up the dough for a polygragh since she’s supposedly willing. It would be worth whatever it cost.


----------



## Blondilocks

I'm pretty sure that suspecting a spouse of infidelity is insufficient grounds to enact the Baker Act. She needs to be careful with throwing that accusation around. It could backfire on her with the professionals. 

Her making that statement could be grounds for you to accuse her of emotional abuse, though. Do you really want to be married to someone who would pull that?


----------



## Wolfman1968

Blondilocks said:


> I'm pretty sure that suspecting a spouse of infidelity is insufficient grounds to enact the Baker Act. She needs to be careful with throwing that accusation around. It could backfire on her with the professionals.
> 
> Her making that statement could be grounds for you to accuse her of emotional abuse, though. Do you really want to be married to someone who would pull that?


Yes. Talk to your attorney, but you could potentially accuse her of threatening you with the Baker Act threat. 

Baker act (involuntary confinement for psychiatric assessment) is only applicable if you were seen as potentially a threat to you or others. Absent that, it does not apply. 
Furthermore, being on medications for Aspergers does not mean you have a thought disorder or are at any higher psychiatric risk--assuming there are not other psychiatric issues you have not mentioned here.


----------



## Evinrude58

She threatened to Have you committed?
You may be a little crazy if you stay with a woman that would say something like that.


----------



## manfromlamancha

So has she given you more info on who the guy was? What they talked about? How he had her address? And why did he not stop to introduce himself and say hello to you?


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## Robert22205

She's still being secretive about who the OM is. 

She raised your emotional state/meds as a way to change the subject - and divert your attention away from the real issue (who is the OM?). 

The next time she does this (and she will) - do not take the bait (just ignore it) and continue to stay on topic (who is the OM?). She created this mess and she needs to fix it.

You've known your wife for 10 years and some guy you've never seen or heard of feels empowered to just drop by a married woman's home uninvited? Your wife must know him very well (at least the OM thinks so). 

Go back to my earlier post about what information she needs to provide (including what book you both should read).


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## RandomDude

@WonderingGuy25

🤦‍♂️
We still don't know who the F the OM (other man) is and your wife hasn't answered ANY questions only attempted to excuse herself.
If she is willing to do anything to prove it to you answering some questions (properly) would be a start!

As for her trying to threaten you, hell I would tell her to bring it on and slam the divorce papers right there and then for THAT alone.


----------



## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry it has been a busy stressful weekend. Thus why I am just now getting around to this. I met up with my wife and we had a sit down she still swears there is nothing going on and that she is more then willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to me including taking a polygraph. She said it was the first time they had met up and he just dropped by the house without warning. She blamed being so short and everything on the pregnancy. I dunno what I believe at this stage now. She really got into my head and then asked if I was still taking my meds and that she was considering bakeracting me based on how I have been acting. I just got really angry that she dismissed all of my feelings based on my mood and meds. Just so frustrating.


She says that she is willing to do anything needed, EXCEPT tell you who the man is it seems. If there was nothing going on then she would have no concerns about telling you who he is and where she met him. Personally I would put a VAR in her car and maybe the house, and /or hire a private detective. She actually wants you to believe that the ONE time you come home early from work some random guy just happened to pop in and see her? And she wont tell you who he is? Come on now, she is cheating. Call her bluff and book a pollygraph.


----------



## Diana7

RandomDude said:


> @WonderingGuy25
> 
> 🤦‍♂️
> We still don't know who the F the OM (other man) is and your wife hasn't answered ANY questions only attempted to excuse herself.
> If she is willing to do anything to prove it to you answering some questions (properly) would be a start!
> 
> As for her trying to threaten you, hell I would tell her to bring it on and slam the divorce papers right there and then for THAT alone.


Absolutely.


----------



## Wolfman1968

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I really wanna set her down and have an actual conversation about all of this and see if I can get any answers. I know it might be a waste of time but I really do need some answers. Because what if she isn't cheating and I am just throwing it all away. Hard not to have doubts at this stage. Hard not to question things like this when you love this person and you thought they've you too but now you think it is a lie.


Well, look at it this way.

If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has horrible boundaries by having a guy over when you're not there. 
If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has been disrespectful and dismissive to you.
If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has been threatening you by alluding to having you involuntarily confined with the use of the Baker act.
If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has been gaslighting you by accusing you of not taking your meds and hallucinating about the whole situation.
If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has been disloyal to the marriage by broadcasting your private marital conflicts to her friends that saw you at the restaurant (and probably others, since what are the odds that you would run into the ONLY people she blabbed to?).
If she ISN'T cheating, she certainly has been sabotaging the chances of repairing the marriage by enlisting the above cronies to gang up on you.
And so on.

Really, you have a lot of behaviors besides just cheating that show your marriage is severely damaged or that, really, SHE is severely damaged and not acting the way a spouse that loved you and wanted the best for you should act. Would you really want to stay in this sort of situation?

And for what it's worth....the odds that she is NOT cheating are very very slim. Even your attorney says so. Think of it as if you were a Las Vegas oddsmaker....where do YOU think the smart money would be? I think the odds are easily over 100:1 that she's a cheater. Can she be the rare exception? Theoretically, but you might also theoretically win the lottery on a single $1 ticket. Do you really want to stake your whole life and whole future on the vanishingly small odds that you have the winning lottery ticket?


----------



## Beach123

Why won’t she say who he is? Polygraph her. And do a dna test for the baby.
She offered right? Let her pay for them as well!


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## manfromlamancha

OP surely you can see how frustrating this is to try and understand. You are not saying why she would not tell you who this guy is and more details yet she is willing to do anything to save the marriage?!?!?!?


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry it has been a busy stressful weekend. Thus why I am just now getting around to this. I met up with my wife and we had a sit down she still swears there is nothing going on and that she is more then willing to do whatever it takes to prove that to me including taking a polygraph. She said it was the first time they had met up and he just dropped by the house without warning. She blamed being so short and everything on the pregnancy. I dunno what I believe at this stage now. She really got into my head and then asked if I was still taking my meds and that she was considering bakeracting me based on how I have been acting. I just got really angry that she dismissed all of my feelings based on my mood and meds. Just so frustrating.


1st time they "Met up" WTF. So she has been talking to the guy and told him where she lived. If she has not screwed him, which is doubtful, she intends to and was headed there. I would still have to have DNA test on baby. 

She is gaslighti g yoy by asking yoy if you have been taking your meds....she is trying to throw you off and on the defense by saying these things.


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## lucy999

So you still didn't get any answers from your wife (but we all knew this was going to happen). Instead she did her very best to gaslight you, which was successful, and actually threatened to have you involuntarily committed. Man, this is a love story for the ages.

She is a lying liar who lies. You sir, need to tell your lawyer to file those papers--_especially _since you live in an at fault state and he said you'd have the upper hand. Do not ignore his advice. This is the rest of your life we're talking about here.

And while I understand completely that your world is shattered right now, you must turn off your heart and tune into your brain and common sense. And there are scores of other women who will understand you and love you, all while being faithful.

Did you ask your lawyer about the DNA test for the unborn child? I apologize if I missed that.

Do not engage with her anymore unless absolutely necessary and for heavens sake NO MORE SEX. Forge ahead and file those papers.


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## WonderingGuy25

Yes I understand how frustrating everything is, Sorry for the slow responses I have been dealing with a lot and it is really overwhelming. Not having the one person you have relyed upon and always been there to support you and to just have your world you thought you knew to just be shattered isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Yes I asked about a DNA test for the baby. I havent decided what to do yet I know what I should do but heart is just fighting with me so strongly. I don't think I will ever get answers but I want to belive her when she tells me their isn't anything going on. I am meeting my friend and lawyer tomorrow, wife had texted saying to schedule her polly so we could move past this all. So I am going to get my lawyer to schedule it I haven't responded to her since we had the talk and all. I don't know why she won't tell me who this guy is more then a "Friend" I have told you all everything that she has told me and that I currently know. A part of me doesn't want to know anymore then that, He hasn't been around that i know of again.


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## jlg07

Get some peace for yourself -- she NEEDS to tell you everything about who this guy is and how he got your address, and why it was ok to have him over without you there. Just tell her that is a non-negotiable item.

You should put some voice activated recorders around the house and even in her car that you can use to listen to what she is saying about all this to her friends, and maybe even HIM. Just check the laws in your state -- you won't be able to use these for anything in the divorce, but you can at least get an understanding of what she is saying.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yes I understand how frustrating everything is, Sorry for the slow responses I have been dealing with a lot and it is really overwhelming. Not having the one person you have relyed upon and always been there to support you and to just have your world you thought you knew to just be shattered isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Yes I asked about a DNA test for the baby. I havent decided what to do yet I know what I should do but heart is just fighting with me so strongly. *I don't think I will ever get answers but I want to belive her when she tells me their isn't anything going on*. I am meeting my friend and lawyer tomorrow, wife had texted saying to schedule her polly so we could move past this all. So I am going to get my lawyer to schedule it I haven't responded to her since we had the talk and all. * I don't know why she won't tell me who this guy is more then a "Friend" I have told you all everything that she has told me and that I currently know.* * A part of me doesn't want to know anymore then that, He hasn't been around that i know of again.*


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## Robert22205

Her continued reluctance is evidence that the OM is not an 'old' friend but someone she just met recently. 

Therefore she can't answer your questions about the OM without also revealing that she was in the early stage of an affair (or rekindling a previous romantic relationship or fling that you didn't know about).

I think you should go ahead with the DNA test asap because if the child is not yours there may be certain legal steps you need to take (prior to the birth) in order to avoid being financially responsible for someone else's kid.

It may well be that she did not have sex with the OM (yet) and therefore she's sure the baby is yours.
Therefore, she will pass the polygraph test and the DNA will show it's yours. 

However, there's still the issue of clarifying her relationship with the OM and being able to trust her (feeling safe from infidelity) going forward.


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## manfromlamancha

Did she tell you how they met?

She needs to give you his name long before you schedule a poly. Its as simple as that.


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## oldshirt

I don’t know what y’all would do, but if I had a legitimate, platonic opposite sex friend where there was no hanky panky going in and my partner was sure there was something going on, I would not only tell her name but I would invite her and her partner over for supper so everyone could hang out and get to know each other and be normal couples friends. 

Maybe they didn’t actually have sex (yet) while he was at the house, but she is certainly gaslighting and rugsweeping with the best of them.


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## Robert22205

Just to quote Dr Phil: people with nothing to hide - hide nothing.

Her reluctance is not only evidence that it's a secret inappropriate relationship (from the past or current) that you weren't supposed to find out about - but in addition, she's also very protective of the OM.

Don't be surprised to find out that the OM is married (or engaged) and your wife is protecting him from his wife finding out. Or maybe you know the OM's wife and there's stuff she doesn't want you to learn from the OM's wife.


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## Evinrude58

Without a name of the man, and a reasonable explanation, there’s nothing to do but divorce.
The chances of a man going to YOUR house and not having sex with your wife are very remote. The chances of you catching him there the first time he’s been there—- even lower.

she doesn’t want a polygragh. She’s stalling for time.

you’ll only get about 3 questions that are actually tested for truthfulness.
Suggestions:
Have you at any time since marriage, had sex or kissed any man other than your husband?
Has the man husband saw at his home been there on any other occasion?
Have you had romantic interest with any man other than your husband since marriage?

If he’s been there more thAn once, he’s been banging your wife for a while now.
I would s he duke a polygragh yourself and load her up and take her to the appointment. Don’t put it in your lawyer. They act slowly. Get it done fast. No matter what, I’d DNA that child.


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## WonderingGuy25

Lawyer set up the polls for Friday at 2pm. So we will see if she actually does it or not if she doesn't and backs out then she is clearly lying to me and has cheated and that will be that for me.


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## WonderingGuy25

She said they were old childhood friends from when she grew up where she was born. But I still don't know why he would just show up and or why she won't give me this dudes name.


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## Evinrude58

She ain’t give you his name because that will give you an opportunity to corroborate her bs story


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## ABHale

She is ending a marriage because she is not willing for you to know his name?

That should tell you everything you need to know.


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## manwithnoname

Old childhood friends just show up out of the blue? Not likely. And if her unlikely story is true, why not tell you his name? Why not introduce you to him when you came home? How did he find her address after all these years?


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## Robert22205

Lies are often built around a true fact. For example, she may have known him back where she grew up but that's just a piece of the story. She's hiding something (e.g., how did he find her, how long have they been in contact behind your back, was she receptive to him flirting, the list is endless).

There's at least two reasons why she won't give you his name:

1 - she doesn't want you to dig further into their relationship (past as well as present) because she knows that what is currently 'suspicious' behavior will (with more information about the OM) escalate to a concrete reason to never trust her again.

2 - she's protecting him because she doesn't want you to notify his wife or fiance (and make trouble for him).


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## Robert22205

With respect to the polygraph. They often make a last minute parking lot confession prior to the test.

Encourage her. Make sure she understands that a confession (prior to the poly) may make it more difficult to reconcile - but you promise to at least try (including attending MC). 

On the other hand, lying, withholding information, or failing the poly will end all discussion and guarantee divorce.


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## Robert22205

Does your wife take any medication for blood pressure or anxiety that may impact the test results?


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## manwithnoname

They probably dated in the past. Prior to their most recent date.


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## Beach123

So what - he was a childhood friend. It doesn’t explain how she recently started communicating with him and how he knew her home address. She offered private info - and she is keeping secrets.

that’s enough to understand she doesn’t want to tell you the truth - she’s been doing things she’s hiding.


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## Wolfman1968

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yes I understand how frustrating everything is, Sorry for the slow responses I have been dealing with a lot and it is really overwhelming. Not having the one person you have relyed upon and always been there to support you and to just have your world you thought you knew to just be shattered isn't something I would wish upon my worst enemy. Yes I asked about a DNA test for the baby. I havent decided what to do yet I know what I should do but heart is just fighting with me so strongly. I don't think I will ever get answers but I want to belive her when she tells me their isn't anything going on. I am meeting my friend and lawyer tomorrow, wife had texted saying to schedule her polly so we could move past this all. So I am going to get my lawyer to schedule it I haven't responded to her since we had the talk and all. I don't know why she won't tell me who this guy is more then a "Friend" I have told you all everything that she has told me and that I currently know. A part of me doesn't want to know anymore then that, He hasn't been around that i know of again.


So what is her answer when you ask her directly who her "friend" is or why she won't tell you?

I really can't find ANY answer to those questions that I would ever find acceptable. If she couldn't answer those questions, then it means she is more interested in protecting her "friend" (which makes it likely it's an Affair Partner) than in being honest with her husband, her life partner.

I wouldn't want to be married to a woman like that. That alone would make me quit the marriage, regardless of the presence or absence of any genital contact with her AP. The lack of loyalty to her husband means the marriage is over. Polygraph not needed, because no polygraph result would make me want to stay with a disloyal spouse, even if it's just emotional disloyalty.

And is the polygraph administrator really going to do a polygraph on a pregnant woman?


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## Evinrude58

Why not? Is lying damaging to a baby?
If so, she needs to head to the hospital.


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## re16

A wife's refusal to tell the name of a man who was in the marital home alone with the wife only happens for one reason.


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## WonderingGuy25

Wife was a no show for the Polly and i told my lawyer to file immediately. I guess that showed just how much of a fool I was to think she would actually care about our marriage or try and fix it. I can't believe that I actually believed her just really disgusted with myself and frustrated with everything and just angry and depressed all at the same time. I dont deal well with change and or expressing myself at all. So I won't lie that I am not handling this in the best way right now. I sent my soon to be ex wife a very long well a few long texts explaining that in no uncertain terms we are done and that she clearly doesn't ****ing respect me and our marriage and I will admit I raged at her a bit. Told her to go have an abortion though because I don't want any part of me if it is mine to also be apart of her. But also just got really depressed and I won't lie I started crying as I asked her if she even really loved me or just felt sorry for me because I was an aspy who happened to be an easy route since I make a good chunk of money. I have like ten missed calls from her and a bunch of texts but I haven't even bothered looking to see what she has said back. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at once and so strongly.


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## jlg07

So sorry @WonderingGuy25 that you are going through all this. It's no crime to cry over things like this -- you loved her. You need to grieve for your marriage. She obviously ISN'T the person you thought she was -- and that's HER fault.
Cheating is 100% on the cheater, NOT the spouse.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Wife was a no show for the Polly and i told my lawyer to file immediately. I guess that showed just how much of a fool I was to think she would actually care about our marriage or try and fix it. I can't believe that I actually believed her just really disgusted with myself and frustrated with everything and just angry and depressed all at the same time. I dont deal well with change and or expressing myself at all. So I won't lie that I am not handling this in the best way right now. I sent my soon to be ex wife a very long well a few long texts explaining that in no uncertain terms we are done and that she clearly doesn't ****ing respect me and our marriage and I will admit I raged at her a bit. Told her to go have an abortion though because I don't want any part of me if it is mine to also be apart of her. But also just got really depressed and I won't lie I started crying as I asked her if she even really loved me or just felt sorry for me because I was an aspy who happened to be an easy route since I make a good chunk of money. I have like ten missed calls from her and a bunch of texts but I haven't even bothered looking to see what she has said back. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at once and so strongly.


Totally understandable that you are feeling very emotional, but please dont encourage her to kill the baby. It may be your child and even if its not its an innocent baby.
I am sorry she didnt turn up, but that says it all really. I would continue to ignore her attempts to contact you for now, she will probably just be trying to give you an excuse as to why she didnt turn up. If only she could just be honest with you. The lying is nearly as bad as the cheating.
Ask your lawyer about getting a dna test done so at least you will know if the baby is yours.


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## Evinrude58

Set sorry but want to be clear: You will have lots of days that you don’t think you’ll make it, but don’t let this person destroy you. Millions of men have accomplished getting through this horrible ordeal of being betrayed. You can, too. I believe in my heart that you will see this as a gift in a couple of years.

There are innumerable women who would want a loyal, hard working, responsible man to share their life with. You will find this out soon.

Hang in there. It takes a while, so long it will seem it’s just as bad months later, but it will get better. Find a new hobby, start a new project, do something you’ve always wanted to do. Get your mind busy on building a new life. It can be done!


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Wife was a no show for the Polly and i told my lawyer to file immediately. I guess that showed just how much of a fool I was to think she would actually care about our marriage or try and fix it. I can't believe that I actually believed her just really disgusted with myself and frustrated with everything and just angry and depressed all at the same time. I dont deal well with change and or expressing myself at all. So I won't lie that I am not handling this in the best way right now. I sent my soon to be ex wife a very long well a few long texts explaining that in no uncertain terms we are done and that she clearly doesn't ****ing respect me and our marriage and I will admit I raged at her a bit. Told her to go have an abortion though because I don't want any part of me if it is mine to also be apart of her. But also just got really depressed and I won't lie I started crying as I asked her if she even really loved me or just felt sorry for me because I was an aspy who happened to be an easy route since I make a good chunk of money. I have like ten missed calls from her and a bunch of texts but I haven't even bothered looking to see what she has said back. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at once and so strongly.


You are doing fine, and better than you realise. A lot of men are too weak to make the necessary decisions you have made and would rather be a doormat being cuckolded and laughed at behind their backs for the rest of their lives.

It's not going to be easy, but the hard times you will face now are only temporarily, sooner than you will realise you will be back out there and living the life, and before you know it, find someone you truly deserve. Good luck and glad you have a backbone to do what needs to be done for your own future.


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## ABHale

Just remember that you know the truth of who your wife is now. You have solid ground to work from. The hurt and pain will heal in time.


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## Robert22205

I'm sorry for her betrayal. Google the symptoms for PTSD. See your doctor. This is a major trauma and something your medical doctor can help you with.

Your wife is desperate and only thinking of protecting herself from public exposure and the consequences of adultery. 
Among other things, adultery is a very selfish act. Therefore, your tears and broken heart meant zero to her. 

Your wife is no longer the girl you married. She's not your friend or partner. You need to protect yourself from a domestic violence accusation by always carrying a VAR (voice activated tape recorder). 

Dont' cry or beg in front of her. In her current state of mind, it's viewed as weakness and encourages further lies and bad behavior. 

It sounds like you caught her in an affair and she's not sure who the baby's father is. The polygraph and a DNA test trapped her in a corner.


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## Casual Observer

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Wife was a no show for the Polly and i told my lawyer to file immediately. I guess that showed just how much of a fool I was to think she would actually care about our marriage or try and fix it. I can't believe that I actually believed her just really disgusted with myself and frustrated with everything and just angry and depressed all at the same time. I dont deal well with change and or expressing myself at all. So I won't lie that I am not handling this in the best way right now. I sent my soon to be ex wife a very long well a few long texts explaining that in no uncertain terms we are done and that she clearly doesn't ****ing respect me and our marriage and I will admit I raged at her a bit. Told her to go have an abortion though because I don't want any part of me if it is mine to also be apart of her. But also just got really depressed and I won't lie I started crying as I asked her if she even really loved me or just felt sorry for me because I was an aspy who happened to be an easy route since I make a good chunk of money. I have like ten missed calls from her and a bunch of texts but I haven't even bothered looking to see what she has said back. I dont think I have ever felt so many emotions all at once and so strongly.


So just to be clear, anything and everything nasty your wife has done or continues to do should not be the determining factor, or a factor at all, if it's yours. Worst-case scenario, this was a huge screw up on your part, allowing yourself to get your wife pregnant. There's no way around it, it couldn't have happened without your help. Actions do have consequences. You've said your piece about your unhappiness with the pregnancy, whether it's yours or someone else's. Men have to take responsibility for women who have become pregnant by them. That's how things work.

She has the upper hand in dealing with the pregnancy, partly because you had the upper hand in making her pregnant. Obviously, the most-important thing right now is to find out who the father is. But dang sir, when you're playing with fire, sometimes you do get burned. Wear the stupid mask, er condom, or accept the consequences.

For context, I am a liberal, I am not in favor of overly restrictive laws on abortion. But from a personal standpoint, I think it's a really sad thing that they happen. The fewer the better, not so much because some would say we're destroying a life but because in many cases (not all!!!) abortion represents a lack of responsibility for consequences. Your life, you soon-to-be-ex-wife's life, are suffering consequences due to things done in the past and perhaps continuing. Live your life with respect to consequences and things will go better.


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## Evinrude58

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry for her betrayal. Google the symptoms for PTSD. See your doctor. This is a major trauma and something your medical doctor can help you with.
> 
> Your wife is desperate and only thinking of protecting herself from public exposure and the consequences of adultery.
> Among other things, adultery is a very selfish act. Therefore, your tears and broken heart meant zero to her.
> 
> Your wife is no longer the girl you married. She's not your friend or partner. You need to protect yourself from a domestic violence accusation by always carrying a VAR (voice activated tape recorder).
> 
> Dont' cry or beg in front of her. In her current state of mind, it's viewed as weakness and encourages further lies and bad behavior.
> *
> It sounds like you caught her in an affair and she's not sure who the baby's father is. The polygraph and a DNA test trapped her in a corner*.


Exactly correct


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## oldtruck

you still need the DNA paternity test


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## WonderingGuy25

I know I still need a DNA test, I need a lot of things. But I meant what I told her when I told her to have an abortion. I know it might make me an awful guy, but I don't know why I should be punished and have to deal with her for a lifetime because she decided to cheat on me? I have a mountain of texts and missed calls and voice-mail from my wife saying everything from apologizing and pleading for me not to do this and that she is sorry and loves me too screaming and calling me names and calling me stupid that I don't know what I am doing without her and she should have me committed. To saying it just isn't true and she can prove it. I dunno what I am doing anymore honestly. My sister offered to let me stay with her until this is over and I find my own place. Probably going to take her up on it since a hotel bill is adding up. At what point do you just tell her to go kick rocks and leave you be? The only way I would take her back is with a name of this guy and if she passed a Polygraph. She said she would take one and then seemingly forgets.


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## shortbus

That time was a while ago.


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## BlueWoman

*Go stay with your sister. You need somebody on your side. You are not an awful person for wanting your wife to have an abortion. But you need to accept that she may not do that and that the baby may end up being yours. And if so, you will need to support it And hopefully you will love it. It’s not the baby’s fault his mother is a horrible human being. Tell your STBXW that if she needs to relay anything important regarding the baby she can call your sister. And then block her. You don’t need to deal with the abuse. *


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I dunno what I am doing anymore honestly.


Stay the course.

What you are doing now is fighting for your future.



> At what point do you just tell her to go kick rocks and leave you be?


What @shortbus said, that time was a while ago. 



> The only way I would take her back is with a name of this guy and if she passed a Polygraph. She said she would take one and then seemingly forgets.


None of which she is capable of doing and she knows.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I know I still need a DNA test, I need a lot of things. But I meant what I told her when I told her to have an abortion. I know it might make me an awful guy, but I don't know why I should be punished and have to deal with her for a lifetime because she decided to cheat on me? I have a mountain of texts and missed calls and voice-mail from my wife saying everything from apologizing and pleading for me not to do this and that she is sorry and loves me too screaming and calling me names and calling me stupid that I don't know what I am doing without her and she should have me committed. To saying it just isn't true and she can prove it. I dunno what I am doing anymore honestly. My sister offered to let me stay with her until this is over and I find my own place. Probably going to take her up on it since a hotel bill is adding up. At what point do you just tell her to go kick rocks and leave you be? The only way I would take her back is with a name of this guy and if she passed a Polygraph. She said she would take one and then seemingly forgets.


So you think that having a child would be punishing you? This may well be your baby and you want it dead? Wow. I hope that in this she doesnt listen to you.

If she says she can prove that its not true, why not give her a chance? Tell her that if she tells you the name of the man and what he was doing there and can prove it you will listen. Tell her that if she then takes a polygraph you will listen. Give the marriage a chance before you throw in the towel and maybe get your baby killed.


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## Robert22205

If there was an innocent explanation when you caught her with an OM in your home, your wife should have answered your questions regarding the man's name, contact information, and exactly who he is to her (including their contact history). She also reneged on her offer to take a polygraph. Evidence that she's stone walling in order to hide inappropriate behavior.

IMO she will not voluntarily take a DNA test. Therefore, instruct your attorney that you want to challenge paternity. 

1 - Save or transfer all her emails for your attorney. It may be relevant.

2 - Carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) at all times to protect you from a domestic violence charge.

3 - See your doctor for help sleeping and managing anxiety/anger/depression/mood swings.

4 - Stay with your sister (she's a good witness against anything crazy from your wife).

5 - Don't put anything in writing. Go dark. Stay away from your wife and only communicate through your attorney until she: takes a polygraph, reveals all information about the OM, and provides a DNA test.


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## RandomDude

Diana7 said:


> So you think that having a child would be punishing you? This may well be your baby and you want it dead? Wow. I hope that in this she doesnt listen to you.
> 
> If she says she can prove that its not true, why not give her a chance? Tell her that if she tells you the name of the man and what he was doing there and can prove it you will listen. Tell her that if she then takes a polygraph you will listen. Give the marriage a chance before you throw in the towel and maybe get your baby killed.


He has already tried that several times.



Robert22205 said:


> If there was an innocent explanation when you caught her with an OM in your home, your wife should have answered your questions regarding the man's name, contact information, and exactly who he is to her (including their contact history). She also reneged on her offer to take a polygraph. Evidence that she's stone walling in order to hide inappropriate behavior.
> 
> IMO she will not voluntarily take a DNA test. Therefore, instruct your attorney that you want to challenge paternity.
> 1 - Save or transfer all her emails for your attorney. It may be relevant.
> 2 - Carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) at all times to protect you from a domestic violence charge.
> 3 - See your doctor for help sleeping and managing anxiety/anger/depression/mood swings.
> 4 - Stay with your sister (she's a good witness against anything crazy from your wife).
> 5 - Don't put anything in writing. Go dark. Stay away from your wife and only communicate through your attorney until she: takes a polygraph, reveals all information about the OM, and provides a DNA test.


Correct and solid advice.


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## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> So you think that having a child would be punishing you? This may well be your baby and you want it dead? Wow. I hope that in this she doesnt listen to you.
> 
> If she says she can prove that its not true, why not give her a chance? Tell her that if she tells you the name of the man and what he was doing there and can prove it you will listen. Tell her that if she then takes a polygraph you will listen. Give the marriage a chance before you throw in the towel and maybe get your baby killed.


He had a poly set up and she skipped out and did not show up.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I know I still need a DNA test, I need a lot of things. But I meant what I told her when I told her to have an abortion. I know it might make me an awful guy, but I don't know why I should be punished and have to deal with her for a lifetime because she decided to cheat on me? I have a mountain of texts and missed calls and voice-mail from my wife saying everything from apologizing and pleading for me not to do this and that she is sorry and loves me too screaming and calling me names and calling me stupid that I don't know what I am doing without her and she should have me committed. To saying it just isn't true and she can prove it. I dunno what I am doing anymore honestly. My sister offered to let me stay with her until this is over and I find my own place. Probably going to take her up on it since a hotel bill is adding up. At what point do you just tell her to go kick rocks and leave you be? The only way I would take her back is with a name of this guy and if she passed a Polygraph. She said she would take one and then seemingly forgets.


Calling you stupid, you dont know what you are doing w/o her.......really......she sees herself as superior to you....there by entitled! Entitled to have guys on the side....entitled to refuse to answer your questioning.....and how dare you try to polygraph her! You have an entitled beoch on your hands that feels superior to you.

She has cheated I'm sure...likely with this guy also but the poly would have possibly revealed others also. That is why she flaked on it.


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## Evinrude58

You definitely need some support in dealing with your gaslighting wife, and your sister sounds perfect.

what was her excuse for bailing on the polygragh?

Remember that cheaters will lie and take the truth to their grave. I’ve heard of cheaters who continue to lie even when confronted with video of their infidelity.

If she can prove it, Allie her to prove it. The fact that she is threatening you with her having you committed is reason alone to divorce her. A decent person wouid never ever threaten such a thing.

Go stay with your sister and get help from an attorney.


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## Kaliber

Diana7 said:


> If she says she can prove that its not true, why not give her a chance? Tell her that if she tells you the name of the man and what he was doing there and can prove it you will listen. Tell her that if she then takes a polygraph you will listen. Give the marriage a chance before you throw in the towel and maybe get your baby killed.


@WonderingGuy25, take @Diana7 advice, you can file and serve at anytime, tell her the only thing that will get you back is:

The full name of the guy
What was meeting about and what did they discuss
A Polygraph 
Don't throw the towel just yet, you are in control now, she is the one who is texting and pleading, so take that to your advantage!


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## ABHale

I believe your wife was cheating.

I also believe you really need to talk with her. Would not suggest one on one. Phone call would work. Just ask her one question, why did she not show up for the polygraph? If she can’t give a good reason then you know she would never have past it. Then you can move on knowing your wife chose to end the marriage to protect her affair partner.


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## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> He had a poly set up and she skipped out and did not show up.


Yes I know but she has since claimed that she has proof, so no harm in asking once more what that is and asking for his name and who he is. Now he has left and she knows how serious he is, she may well come clean about what was going on and surely its worth one last try?


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## lucy999

Diana7 said:


> Yes I know but she has since claimed that she has proof, so no harm in asking once more what that is and asking for his name and who he is. Now he has left and she knows he is serious he is, she may well come clean about what was going on and surely its worth one last try?


If she has proof, don't you think she would've offered it by now? I know if I were innocent, I sure would've. Instead she is using her time verbally abusing him.


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## oldshirt

lucy999 said:


> If she has proof, don't you think she would've offered it by now? I know if I were innocent, I sure would've. Instead she is using her time verbally abusing him.


This^^^^^

If she had any kind of proof (which I don't know how you prove you haven't had an affair but whatever) She would have produced it the very first time he ever brought it up. 

Fine go ahead and have her lay her 'proof' on the table, but after weeks of gaslighting, stonewalling , DARVO, name calling, threatening to have him committed etc is she really going to pull out the silver bullet now???


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## WonderingGuy25

So my wife thinks calling my parents and friends and place of work and telling them all I am not taking my meds and that I am suicidal is somehow going to get me to come back to her in some way. I don't know why she is doing this to me, I had friends family and coworkers all ready to throw me into the hospital thinking I was going to harm myself. Yet when I confront her she swears something is off with me and she just wants me to stop this divorce and come back home. If I wasn't good enough for you to the point you cheated on me why am I now? She also called my lawyer and I guess set up another Polygraph but I doubt she will actually take it and will probably just bail on it like the last one. I dunno what to make of her at this point. Her pulling that has royally passed my sister off though. I still told her that she should just have an abortion and save us both the trouble of a DNA test and or a lifetime of pain together.


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## Casual Observer

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I still told her that she should just have an abortion and save us both the trouble of a DNA test and or a lifetime of pain together.


I really think you need to stop playing the abortion card, get the test, and if it's yours, you have to own up to the fact that YOU screwed up, not her, and own up to your responsibility. If she wants an abortion, fine, that's her decision to make in this case, but you have no say in this matter given that you've already decided you're getting a divorce, you've already told her that whatever she thinks or does no longer matters. 

I'm *not* taking her side. But she's got to be scared out of her mind right now, pregnant with a kid you think might not be your own. What if it is. What if she's telling the truth. She is not in a place right now where hormones are normal and thinking reasonably at all times. Between her hormones and you taking or not taking your meds, reasonable actions by reasonable people don't seem too likely right now.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> So my wife thinks calling my parents and friends and place of work and telling them all I am not taking my meds and that I am suicidal is somehow going to get me to come back to her in some way. I don't know why she is doing this to me, I had friends family and coworkers all ready to throw me into the hospital thinking I was going to harm myself. Yet when I confront her she swears something is off with me and she just wants me to stop this divorce and come back home. If I wasn't good enough for you to the point you cheated on me why am I now? She also called my lawyer and I guess set up another Polygraph but I doubt she will actually take it and will probably just bail on it like the last one. I dunno what to make of her at this point. Her pulling that has royally passed my sister off though. I still told her that she should just have an abortion and save us both the trouble of a DNA test and or a lifetime of pain together.


Have you told your parents and friends about her cheating? It's obvious she is trying to use them as a weapon, you need to rob her of that weapon. 

Yes, it's better not to involve them but sadly your soon to be ex wife has already involved them. You have no choice.


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## Robert22205

Has your wife been served yet?

Communicating with your wife just makes matters worse. 

Keep a journal recording the date and a summary of each communication with your wife, including when you saw the OM and your wife's explanation. 

Inform your wife that there will be no further communication until she provides the information you requested about the OM. And then go dark. 

The best defense is to stay with your sister, see your doctor for help with sleeping & depression etc, carry a VAR, and avoid this woman. Carry business cards from your doctor and attorney (refer any inquiries about your mental health to them). 

1 - Under the circumstances, other than a full confession, your wife is playing the only card she has at this time. 

Your wife is attacking your credibility in order to save her reputation and delay being exposed as a cheater until the last possible moment (she's hoping that a DNA test shows it's yours). 

2 - If the baby turns out to be yours then she can pretend her affair never happened. If it's not yours, she'll rewrite the history of your marriage and say you abused her etc (anything to justify her affair).

3 - Talk to your attorney about getting a DNA test or challenging paternity.


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## jlg07

WonderingGuy25 said:


> So my wife thinks calling my parents and friends and place of work and telling them all I am not taking my meds and that I am suicidal is somehow going to get me to come back to her in some way. I don't know why she is doing this to me, I had friends family and coworkers all ready to throw me into the hospital thinking I was going to harm myself. Yet when I confront her she swears something is off with me and she just wants me to stop this divorce and come back home. If I wasn't good enough for you to the point you cheated on me why am I now? She also called my lawyer and I guess set up another Polygraph but I doubt she will actually take it and will probably just bail on it like the last one. I dunno what to make of her at this point. Her pulling that has royally passed my sister off though. I still told her that she should just have an abortion and save us both the trouble of a DNA test and or a lifetime of pain together.


I hope you corrected that with everyone and that SHE is desperate since she cheated on you.
That is BS that she did that.


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## jin

Even if your wife is not cheating on you to threaten putting you in mental care is a horrible betrayal. It would be hard to even speak with let alone live with and trust a person who could say something like that.


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## Evinrude58

Yiu need to set your family straight in what you know and don’t know. 
you need to get a paternity test ordered.
You need to stop communicating with your wife. If she wants to schedule a poorly and invite you to come, I’d go if I were you. Skipping the poly the first time is all the evidence I’d need, along with threatening to have you committed, along with fishing for backup from your family in doing just that.

I’m curious about the purpose of your meds. If you were told to take them by your doctor, you definitely should be.

You are in a precarious situation. Best stay with your sister and get some support. Glad your sister is there for you. This kind of thing you’re going through is extremely tough to handle.

she said she had proof she was not having an affair. Has this proof been revealed? Nope, it doesn’t exist.


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## WonderingGuy25

My Meds aren't really that concerning honestly, Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. They just keep me level headed in all honesty nothing really life-changing. Yes I told my family what is going on and I am with my sister now so hopefully, things will even out for me because this is just a mess and I am over it all. I don't think my sister wants me here to support me so much as to just keep an eye on me it feels like. But I don't mind I guess the hotel was getting a bit expensive. My wife got served today according to my attorney so that probably explains all the texts and crazy voicemails. Also had the police show up to my sisters saying my wife wanted a wellness check on me and crap. Also, I don't see how I screwed up in any way shape, or form honestly, I don't follow why the other poster would say that? I am not the one who cheated and had an affair. They have a polygraph set up for Monday afternoon, I was asked to attend I dunno what for but apparently it was a demand of my wife's for this to go through. Told my attorney he can also relay that she can also come with the so-called proof she has that she isn't having an affair and if she fails this that there isn't a chance in hell of reconciliation with me. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong or have asked too much here. I have been just really angry as of late but now I am just to the point where The depression is creeping up on me. Just started crying tonight for no reason I guess it is finally starting to hit me that I am losing the person that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with and whom I love. Feel really embarrassed crying but I dunno no point in holding it all in at this point.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> My Meds aren't really that concerning honestly, Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. They just keep me level headed in all honesty nothing really life-changing. Yes I told my family what is going on and I am with my sister now so hopefully, things will even out for me because this is just a mess and I am over it all. I don't think my sister wants me here to support me so much as to just keep an eye on me it feels like. But I don't mind I guess the hotel was getting a bit expensive. My wife got served today according to my attorney so that probably explains all the texts and crazy voicemails. Also had the police show up to my sisters saying my wife wanted a wellness check on me and crap. Also, I don't see how I screwed up in any way shape, or form honestly, I don't follow why the other poster would say that? I am not the one who cheated and had an affair. They have a polygraph set up for Monday afternoon, I was asked to attend I dunno what for but apparently it was a demand of my wife's for this to go through. Told my attorney he can also relay that she can also come with the so-called proof she has that she isn't having an affair and if she fails this that there isn't a chance in hell of reconciliation with me. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong or have asked too much here. I have been just really angry as of late but now I am just to the point where The depression is creeping up on me. Just started crying tonight for no reason I guess it is finally starting to hit me that I am losing the person that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with and whom I love. Feel really embarrassed crying but I dunno no point in holding it all in at this point.


I hope that on Monday you will know where you stand one way or another. You need that closure. 
Sending the police round was just awful. What was she thinking? Maybe she hopes that by trying to make you look bad people wont believe what you are saying. Its good that your family knows the truth anyway.


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## Robert22205

The crying is not unexpected. You're going to experience a roller coaster of emotions (including love as well as anger for her). It gets better in time. 

In the interim, keep busy and focus on yourself (treat yourself). For example, start a new exercise/gym routine or a new hobby/skill, buy a new car or some new clothes, plan a trip when the pandemic is over). 

Google 'PTSD'. It's every human being's response to major trauma. Your wife's betrayal (and her subsequent attacks on you) are a life changing trauma that will effect you in many ways through various stages. I think it helps to be able to recognize each stage and know it's a process (that you just have to work through to get through).

Don't cry in front of your wife. Become stone in her presence. In her current state of mind, she will not feel sorry for you - but will see your pain as weakness which only encourages more bad behavior.


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## Evinrude58

Just my thoughts: anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants ARE a big deal and if you’re supposed to be taking them and aren’t, then it truly could be affecting you more than you realize.

A cheater typically doesn’t make a polygragh a stipulation in signing divorce papers. That makes me wonder.You are correct in letting it all go through your lawyer. However, I’d damn sure be there to hear her answers, or get the parking lot confession.

I really urge you to stay on your meds. I don’t take any, and never have—- except for a couple of months after my ex and I separated. It was Zoloft and dud indeed help. I’m ashamed, but I was having panic attacks and they stopped after the Zoloft.

I think you should go to the poly.
And I wish you luck.


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## Robert22205

You deserve a more loyal reliable caring life partner than her.

The wellness check was the first official 'screening' step to determine if you should be committed. I'm glad the police found you living with your sister. Your sister provides them with reliable first hand evidence that you're safe. 

I hope you're keeping a journal. If so, add this incident to the journal. As time goes on it's easy to forget all these abusive bullying details that may become relevant to a Judge later.

From your wife's bluster, threats and sending the police to your door, it sounds to me like your wife is used to controlling and manipulating you (being in charge). 

She is desperate to control the fallout from her mystery man (that you caught visiting her at your home) and now there's the added question of 'who' the baby's father is.

Your refusing to have any further contact with her prevents her from bullying you (and therefore deprives her of her most powerful weapon to control you or the fallout from the mystery man). 

Plus, the longer you have zero contact with her, the less likely the police are to believe her accusations.

Do not meet with her face to face. 

IMO, your wife does not intend to actually take the polygraph - but will instead use the meeting as an opportunity to bully and insult your intelligence in an effort to get you to drop the polygraph and DNA tests.


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## Robert22205

Generally a polygraph consists of a max of 4 questions (which you and the examiner develop).

What topics are you covering? Topics for example like: did she have sex with another man; is there any chance the baby is not yours; or if you knew the identity of the mystery man, would you object.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> My Meds aren't really that concerning honestly, Antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. They just keep me level headed in all honesty nothing really life-changing. Yes I told my family what is going on and I am with my sister now so hopefully, things will even out for me because this is just a mess and I am over it all. I don't think my sister wants me here to support me so much as to just keep an eye on me it feels like. But I don't mind I guess the hotel was getting a bit expensive. My wife got served today according to my attorney so that probably explains all the texts and crazy voicemails. Also had the police show up to my sisters saying my wife wanted a wellness check on me and crap. Also, I don't see how I screwed up in any way shape, or form honestly, I don't follow why the other poster would say that? I am not the one who cheated and had an affair. They have a polygraph set up for Monday afternoon, I was asked to attend I dunno what for but apparently it was a demand of my wife's for this to go through. Told my attorney he can also relay that she can also come with the so-called proof she has that she isn't having an affair and if she fails this that there isn't a chance in hell of reconciliation with me. I don't feel like I have done anything wrong or have asked too much here. I have been just really angry as of late but now I am just to the point where The depression is creeping up on me. Just started crying tonight for no reason I guess it is finally starting to hit me that I am losing the person that I thought I would be spending the rest of my life with and whom I love. Feel really embarrassed crying but I dunno no point in holding it all in at this point.


She sets the poly so she can control what and how the question is asked. I bet it is about this instance only. You think thete will be a question if she has had any sexual related contact with any one since yall have been together. Has she had sexual relations with any one since you had been together. Her dissing your poly and now scheduling her own so she can control the questions asked.
Ive been party to hundreds of polygraphs and how the question is worded matters.


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## Divinely Favored

Evinrude58 said:


> Just my thoughts: anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants ARE a big deal and if you’re supposed to be taking them and aren’t, then it truly could be affecting you more than you realize.
> 
> A cheater typically doesn’t make a polygragh a stipulation in signing divorce papers. That makes me wonder.You are correct in letting it all go through your lawyer. However, I’d damn sure be there to hear her answers, or get the parking lot confession.
> 
> I really urge you to stay on your meds. I don’t take any, and never have—- except for a couple of months after my ex and I separated. It was Zoloft and dud indeed help. I’m ashamed, but I was having panic attacks and they stopped after the Zoloft.
> 
> I think you should go to the poly.
> And I wish you luck.


amatters.a polygrapher will not allow him to sit in during the poly. I would contact poligrapher to word the questions and ensure i got the results of poly first hand.


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## RandomDude

Divinely Favored said:


> *She sets the poly so she can control what and how the question is asked.* I bet it is about this instance only. You think thete will be a question if she has had any sexual related contact with any one since yall have been together. Has she had sexual relations with any one since you had been together. *Her dissing your poly and now scheduling her own so she can control the questions asked.
> Ive been party to hundreds of polygraphs and how the question is worded matters.*


@WonderingGuy25

I hope you take this advice right here. You need to control the situation, you ask the questions. It's your poly or forget it.


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## Robert22205

I see your wife as a bully and now a physical threat to you after trying to have you committed.

At a minimum, when you meet face to face, I suggest your attorney is present and she agrees that the conversation will be recorded. 

Remember as you go forward, that the most powerful word in our vocabulary is the word "No". 
After that the most powerful response is: silence/refusal to engage or validate a lie or nasty comment.

I suggest postponing the polygraph test and have your attorney notify her that there will not be any meeting (or further texts or calls) until: 

1 - You have (in writing) the following information about the mystery man that you caught leaving your home: his name, address & contact information, employment, marital status, including their complete history (X boyfriend?, how does she know him, were they ever intimate, and every contact or communication between them within the last 12 months). All subject to a later polygraph test. 

- IMO, you should not bother with the polygraph until you know the full story about the mystery man. 

Why? Because there's a lot more at issue here than whether they had sex. You also need to know if she was in the early stages of an affair. 

IMO, secretly meeting a man behind your back at your home is pretty good evidence that her intentions weren't appropriate for a married person. 

If you can't/won't reconcile or trust her again without that information, then have her skip the polygraph and continue with the divorce.

2 - After she provides all the information about her mystery man, in order for the polygraph test results to be valid the test must be scheduled by you - with an examiner of your choosing (i.e., and where you're the Client not her); and you decide what questions you need answered about her past relationships as well as the mystery man.


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## Evinrude58

Robert22205 said:


> I see your wife as a bully and now a physical threat to you after trying to have you committed.
> 
> At a minimum, when you meet face to face, I suggest your attorney is present and she agrees that the conversation will be recorded.
> 
> Remember as you go forward, that the most powerful word in our vocabulary is the word "No".
> After that the most powerful response is: silence/refusal to engage or validate a lie or nasty comment.
> 
> I suggest postponing the polygraph test and have your attorney notify her that there will not be any meeting (or further texts or calls) until:
> 
> 1 - You have (in writing) the following information about the mystery man that you caught leaving your home: his name, address & contact information, employment, marital status, including their complete history (X boyfriend?, how does she know him, were they ever intimate, and every contact or communication between them within the last 12 months). All subject to a later polygraph test.
> 
> - IMO, you should not bother with the polygraph until you know the full story about the mystery man.
> 
> Why? Because there's a lot more at issue here than whether they had sex. You also need to know if she was in the early stages of an affair.
> 
> IMO, secretly meeting a man behind your back at your home is pretty good evidence that her intentions weren't appropriate for a married person.
> 
> If you can't/won't reconcile or trust her again without that information, then have her skip the polygraph and continue with the divorce.
> 
> 2 - After she provides all the information about her mystery man, in order for the polygraph test results to be valid the test must be scheduled by you - with an examiner of your choosing (i.e., and where you're the Client not her); and you decide what questions you need answered about her past relationships as well as the mystery man.


Good advice.

dint let her run the show. Name of mystery man. Don’t be gaslighted. 
you choose the polygragh questions.
One should be: have you had sexual relations w any man other than your husband since you married him.


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## Diana7

My questions would be 1) the name of the man who was at the house 2) what was he doing there 3)take a polygraph with all the questions chosen by me and 4) a DNA test done to see if the baby is mine. No arguments, all those or nothing. Nonegotiable.


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## WonderingGuy25

The poly questions are by me and my attorney, So no worries there. I also have now demanded a DNA test since she won't just do the honorable and decent thing and end this charade once and for all. I am sorry to be so blunt but if she cheated on me and somehow the baby is still miraculously mine I don't wanna deal with her for the rest of my life and be reminded of what we had and what she threw away ontop of it all. Honestly, this has gotten me more and more depressed rather than angry, Seriously just thought about chugging some hard liquor with a bunch of my meds and call it a day. I don't know or understand how to move through this, This is literally the first woman I have ever fallen in love with and understood me. She took my virginity for christ sakes. I suppose that is what really gets to me, I gave her literally everything and it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough.


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## Wolfman1968

Look, if she won't give you the name of the dude who was there, that means she's protecting him. Which means her loyalty is more with him than with you. If she REALLY wanted to save the marriage, and you were REALLY number one, she'd burn him to the ground in a New York minute. The fact that she's not willing to give him up for you would tell me that it's over. 

I wouldn't even bother with the poly. It's irrelevant to me. If she values saving him over saving the marriage (and saving him over being open and honest with you), it would be over regardless.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> The poly questions are by me and my attorney, So no worries there. I also have now demanded a DNA test since she won't just do the honorable and decent thing and end this charade once and for all. I am sorry to be so blunt but if she cheated on me and somehow the baby is still miraculously mine I don't wanna deal with her for the rest of my life and be reminded of what we had and what she threw away ontop of it all. Honestly, this has gotten me more and more depressed rather than angry, Seriously just thought about chugging some hard liquor with a bunch of my meds and call it a day. I don't know or understand how to move through this, This is literally the first woman I have ever fallen in love with and understood me. She took my virginity for christ sakes. I suppose that is what really gets to me, I gave her literally everything and it wasn't enough, I wasn't enough.


As @Wolfman1968 mentioned, you *STILL* need to know who the F that guy was.

Time will heal all wounds, you will survive this. You will wake up the next day, feel better, and then the next, and the next. Before you know it, it's "meh".


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## Blondilocks

The guy could be her drug dealer.


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## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> The guy could be her drug dealer.


 

Hell imagine losing a marriage over a joint. If he was why wouldn't she admit it by now? 

That's a pretty good escape though actually, if she had said that, many men would have just went "oh damn, shes on drugs, but that is fixable - well at least she's not cheating!" and left it. But the way she's acting is contrary to that.


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## Blondilocks

RandomDude said:


> Hell imagine losing a marriage over a joint. If he was why wouldn't she admit it by now?
> 
> That's a pretty good escape though actually, if she had said that, many men would have just went "oh damn, shes on drugs, but that is fixable - well at least she's not cheating!" and left it. But the way she's acting is contrary to that.


What's easier to give up - an affair partner or drugs? Many people protect their drug dealer at all costs. We have a member who was divorced and met the girl of his dreams. Proposal, beautiful engagement ring and several months later - kBLAM! He discovered she was an alcoholic and heroin addict. Even girls who look innocent and fresh-faced can be using drugs.


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## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> What's easier to give up - an affair partner or drugs? Many people protect their drug dealer at all costs. We have a member who was divorced and met the girl of his dreams. Proposal, beautiful engagement ring and several months later - kBLAM! He discovered she was an alcoholic and heroin addict. Even girls who look innocent and fresh-faced can be using drugs.


Fair enough, possibility worth considering. Breach of trust regardless.


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## Robert22205

I suggest you get yourself into therapy asap. In the interim, jogging and working out helps with anger.

Some thoughts: 
1 - her betrayal also gave you a gift: better to find out 'who' she is today - than after having 3 kids with her.
2 - the most satisfying revenge is to move on and lead the best version of your life. Find a woman that deserves and appreciates you. And lead the wonderful life that she threw away.


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## WonderingGuy25

Today didn't really answer any questions I had or solved anything. She somehow Passed the Polygraph and I don't understand or get how that is possible honestly. I don't understand what to do now, I was honestly so sure she was going to fail, and didn't she passed? How is that even possible? That just confuses things so badly. I was just so shocked she wants me to come back home and stop this still but I told her I just need time to think and process this through. The lawyer couldn't explain it to me either but she showed no deception in the test. They think we should do another one just in case but I dunno if I should at this point? I told her that we would talk in a few days but she would have to tell me everything and that she couldn't hold back if she really wanted me to come back and she agreed and she also agreed to do this with my Lawyer present and everything will be recorded and looked into. This just has confused me even more and complicated things to a level that I am just really overwhelmed. My sister thinks I just need to keep moving forward with the divorce because she thinks the test wasn't accurate. As she feels my wife is clearly lying and not being very forward or honest with me.


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## Openminded

No point in another poly. Sometimes the innocent fail and the guilty pass. A lot depends on the skill of the person administering the test. It’s not always accurate. You may never know for sure what the truth is. It’ll likely come down to making a decision based on what you think is best for you going forward.


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## EveningThoughts

"She showed no deception in the test"

We don't know your questions. So this result is entirely possible.

Although there are some concerning aspects to your relationship and worries regarding a guy she won't name, who was seen leaving your house.
It's entirely possible that cheating physically hadn't occurred (yet)

So, taking physical cheating out of the picture.
You still have problems. And big ones, if your wife wouldn't tell you who the guy was, and argues with you over it.
Is he an ex? 
Has she been texting or sexting him? (Did you access her phone?)
Is he an emotional affair partner?

If poly tests aren't always accurate, that means that innocent people could be found guilty, as well as the guilty found innocent. 
It seems like you didn't get the result you wanted, as you don't seem happy with this one, and expected her to fail, so certain are you that she cheated.
If you are that certain, why not just split anyway? 

Her not being truthful about the guy from the start, was enough deceit for most. There shouldn't be secret friends of the opposite sex. 

See how you get on with the next chat, but don't expect her to suddenly be open and honest. This all started because she wasn't. 
It was the spark of deceit that lead to this bonfire.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Today didn't really answer any questions I had or solved anything. She somehow Passed the Polygraph and I don't understand or get how that is possible honestly. I don't understand what to do now, I was honestly so sure she was going to fail, and didn't she passed? How is that even possible? That just confuses things so badly. I was just so shocked she wants me to come back home and stop this still but I told her I just need time to think and process this through. The lawyer couldn't explain it to me either but she showed no deception in the test. They think we should do another one just in case but I dunno if I should at this point? I told her that we would talk in a few days but she would have to tell me everything and that she couldn't hold back if she really wanted me to come back and she agreed and she also agreed to do this with my Lawyer present and everything will be recorded and looked into. This just has confused me even more and complicated things to a level that I am just really overwhelmed. My sister thinks I just need to keep moving forward with the divorce because she thinks the test wasn't accurate. As she feels my wife is clearly lying and not being very forward or honest with me.



What exactly were the questions? How were they worded?

Is this the same poligrapher you chose or someone else?

If i was testing my wife, she would also have to do a UA to check for meds that can alter her reaction on a poly. She could take meds that will skew the results.


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## Robert22205

There's a lot of experience here that may offer an explanation or spot something that was overlooked.

1 - Can you share the exact questions that she was asked on the polygraph test?

2 - Does she have access to an anti anxiety med? (e.g., yours)

The polygraph is just one tool to help you decide whether she's telling the truth.

Regardless of the poly. The fact that she refuses to reveal the identity (and their history) of the mystery man that you caught at your home is very strong evidence that something inappropriate was going on behind your back.

Plus the fact that she chose to not reveal the man's identity (and their history) but instead to have you committed is strong evidence that she has absolutely no respect for your needs/rights as her life partner. 

3 - So far your wife has chosen to protect her relationship with the OM rather than to relieve your pain and chose her marriage. IMO your wife has not yet satisfactorily 'proved' that there was nothing inappropriate about her relationship with the OM. You should proceed with the divorce (and DNA test) until she reveals all the details you ask for about her mystery man.


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## syhoybenden

Who picked out the Polygrapher? Is he real? Is he reputable? Are you certain he is not acquainted with her/her family?

Would not be the first time that I've read of a compromised polygraph.

If in doubt YOU go find another one.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Today didn't really answer any questions I had or solved anything. She somehow Passed the Polygraph and I don't understand or get how that is possible honestly. I don't understand what to do now, I was honestly so sure she was going to fail, and didn't she passed? How is that even possible? That just confuses things so badly. I was just so shocked she wants me to come back home and stop this still but I told her I just need time to think and process this through. The lawyer couldn't explain it to me either but she showed no deception in the test. They think we should do another one just in case but I dunno if I should at this point? I told her that we would talk in a few days but she would have to tell me everything and that she couldn't hold back if she really wanted me to come back and she agreed and she also agreed to do this with my Lawyer present and everything will be recorded and looked into. This just has confused me even more and complicated things to a level that I am just really overwhelmed. My sister thinks I just need to keep moving forward with the divorce because she thinks the test wasn't accurate. As she feels my wife is clearly lying and not being very forward or honest with me.


PLEASE tell me you have FINALLY figured out who the other man was. If not - why is it sooooo frustratingly difficult for her to admit who the hell he was? Why are you allowing such a basic question go unanswered? ARGH!

Also please share your questions as others have requested.


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## RandomDude

Robert22205 said:


> 3 - So far your wife has chosen to protect her relationship with the OM rather than to relieve your pain and chose her marriage. IMO your wife has not yet satisfactorily 'proved' that there was nothing inappropriate about her relationship with the OM. You should proceed with the divorce (and DNA test) until she reveals all the details you ask for about her mystery man.


YES!


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## Diana7

Trouble is that she has had so much time to get her a story straight now. 
To get rid of any incrimating emails and texts and to collude with the OM to get their stories atraight.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Today didn't really answer any questions I had or solved anything. She somehow Passed the Polygraph and I don't understand or get how that is possible honestly. I don't understand what to do now, I was honestly so sure she was going to fail, and didn't she passed? How is that even possible? That just confuses things so badly. I was just so shocked she wants me to come back home and stop this still but I told her I just need time to think and process this through. The lawyer couldn't explain it to me either but she showed no deception in the test. They think we should do another one just in case but I dunno if I should at this point? I told her that we would talk in a few days but she would have to tell me everything and that she couldn't hold back if she really wanted me to come back and she agreed and she also agreed to do this with my Lawyer present and everything will be recorded and looked into. This just has confused me even more and complicated things to a level that I am just really overwhelmed. My sister thinks I just need to keep moving forward with the divorce because she thinks the test wasn't accurate. As she feels my wife is clearly lying and not being very forward or honest with me.


So get that meeting set up asap for all your sakes. She must say who the man is, where he lives and works, where she met him, what he was doing there, how many times he has been there and why she was so secretive about it all. No opt outs, all of it. Also to have the babies DNA asap. Of course she may still lie, and she still threatened to have you sectioned but at least she has agreed to tell you. Write down all the questions you want to hear her answers to.
Depending on what she says, you can ask to speak to he OM and see what he has to say with his wife/partner ther if he has one.


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## ABHale

Could you tell us what the questions were?


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## Evinrude58

Going to take a poly and passing, AND willing to sit down with a lawyer and answer questions doesn’t sound like a cheater to me.
Something is amiss.
Without the identity of the mystery man, there is no way to move forward wit a marriage. If she has a name and a reasonable explanation, it would make me wonder about you OP. Thing is, should you have to threaten to divorce to her basic info? Something is wrong here. I have yet to figure out what.
I’ll be interested to hear her answers. Without a name and reasonable explanation, I’d still be gone. This having you committed thing sounds odd also.


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## DownByTheRiver

WonderingGuy25 said:


> No we don't have any kids yet we have been trying but I haven't confronted or even accused her yet. In all honesty every time I think about it I just get sick. And no I didn't confront the guy coming out of my house, I am pretty passive-aggressive and just anti confrontational in general. Also I deal with anxiety and depression and I have aspergers so that all together and I just don't like to fight and argue I avoid it in general. I did talk to a friend who is a lawyer and just discussed my next steps and what I should do ext. He told me if I really want to control the divorce I need proof of her cheating otherwise it is just a he said she said type of deal.


I don't know what the laws are or where you live but in the US there are very few places that even take cheating into consideration when talking about division of assets and that sort of thing. now you don't even have children so I don't see why you even need to get into the nitty-gritty of that. Divide your crap in half and leave.


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## DownByTheRiver

Her explanation that he was just a friend is an inadequate one. if he is a friend of hers close enough to be coming over then you should have heard about him and know who he is and what her role with him is before now. it certainly is possible he is just a friend but it's also possible that one or the other of them thinks they would like to move that into something more. the thing is it sounds like she's being secretive about it and that is not a good sign.


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## WonderingGuy25

Sorry, I am just getting back to this and posting again I have been having it rough and I took some time away from work so I can deal with whatever this is. 

The Questions were,

1. Asking her name

2. Since the beginning of the relationship, have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than me.

3. Have you made arrangements to see another person whom you are attracted to either in person or via any other communication including social media during the period of the relationship? 

4. Since the beginning of the relationship, have you ever had sexual contact with anyone other than.

She showed no deception which according to my lawyer meant she was being honest/Truthful. I don't understand how she has or is possibly telling the truth when she had a guy over inside our home while I was not there? I just, It feels too good to be true honestly I wanna still believe her but I don't at this point. I got word through my lawyer that my wife wants to come over here to my sisters and talk about things and even disclose who this other guy is and his identity. I said fine even though it truly is not fine. I don't even wanna see her honestly not right now, I still need time but I guess the faster I deal with this the better. I got pretty drunk last night actually it is the first time I have ever been drunk that I can ever remember in all honesty. Sister wants me to go see a therapist and so I can try and talk to someone who might be unbiased. But I don't feel like it will do any good. Nothing to really talk through honestly. I am just over this entire ordeal I just want the truth and if she won't give me the truth then I am done and over this I guess.


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## Blondilocks

Have your sister sit in on the conversation. She may be able to pick up on things that you might miss since she isn't as emotionally involved.


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## Diana7

Blondilocks said:


> Have your sister sit in on the conversation. She may be able to pick up on things that you might miss since she isn't as emotionally involved.


Agreed, definitely have one other person there. 
OP, what happened to her meeting with you at your lawyers to tell you everything?
Honestly this whole thing could have been completely avoided if she had just been honest, told you who who the man was when you first saw him coming out of the house. The fact that he came when you were out was suspicious to start with, as was the total secrecy. If she had nothing to hide then why didnt she tell you.
I also wonder if there are ways of fooling the lie detector tests. Maybe she googled how to do it. She has also had plenty of time to make up a good story.


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## Robert22205

Among other things, your wife needs to prove that she's a safe partner for you. Otherwise you can't trust her (either with respect to a thought process/secret relationships that makes your marriage vulnerable to infidelity; or her attitude that your present health problems make you dysfunctional as a human being and therefore not deserving of respect or treated as an equal partner (i.e., who the OM is).

People that have affairs often justify the initial secretive contact/flirting by convincing themselves it's innocent (until it's not). 

IMO, question #3 was weak because it was a yes or no question who's response is based on her intent with the OM (which is a complicated mix of emotions and mental stuff - including lying to one's self) vs more concrete physical facts.

1 - Record the conversation (and have your sister present)
2 - write out a list of questions about 'who' the OM is (including his employment, marital status and contact info) and email her prior to the meeting
3 - Rules: if anyone cries or raised their voice or name calls (10 minute break or end of meeting). The meeting ends when either says so.
4 - The meeting is only for her to expose the OM. It's not for her to ask you any questions, attack or intimidate you.

Finally, the meeting ends when she has nothing else to add about the OM.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry, I am just getting back to this and posting again I have been having it rough and I took some time away from work so I can deal with whatever this is.
> 
> The Questions were,
> 
> 1. Asking her name
> 2. Since the beginning of the relationship, have you ever had sexual intercourse with anyone other than me.
> 3. Have you made arrangements to see another person whom you are attracted to either in person or via any other communication including social media during the period of the relationship?
> 4. Since the beginning of the relationship, have you ever had sexual contact with anyone other than.


Ergh... 1st question was a waste, also did you test the equipment, as in make her lie and see the spikes?
2nd and 4th question doesn't prove anything as you could have came home to stop the sexual encounter from happening.
3rd question can be easily mentally avoided several ways based on what she believes.

I would schedule another one, but after you find out who the guy is, and direct your questions in regards to him.
Remember, she brought this on you both, because she had another guy in your house and STILL refuses to tell you who the hell he is.



> She showed no deception which according to my lawyer meant she was being honest/Truthful. I don't understand how she has or is possibly telling the truth when she had a guy over inside our home while I was not there? I just, It feels too good to be true honestly I wanna still believe her but I don't at this point. *I got word through my lawyer that my wife wants to come over here to my sisters and talk about things and even disclose who this other guy is and his identity.* I said fine even though it truly is not fine. I don't even wanna see her honestly not right now, I still need time but I guess the faster I deal with this the better. I got pretty drunk last night actually it is the first time I have ever been drunk that I can ever remember in all honesty. Sister wants me to go see a therapist and so I can try and talk to someone who might be unbiased. But I don't feel like it will do any good. Nothing to really talk through honestly. I am just over this entire ordeal I just want the truth and if she won't give me the truth then I am done and over this I guess.


Why the hell has she been protecting his identity in the first place? Why the hell is she STILL protecting him? ARGH! Why the hell haven't you DEMANDED his identity from the very beginning and refuse to go further until you have an answer?

There are 9 pages of people repeatedly asking you who the hell the guy is, and you want to know too, I just don't get why it's so difficult. And your wife has the nerve to say "I'll EVEN disclose to you who this other guy is?
*Even?* WTF?!


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## cp3o

There is a general belief that when a spouse refuses to name a person that they have been seen with in questionable circumstances he/she is protecting the stranger and that therefore the unknown person is plan A with the spouse becoming Plan B.

This is probably often true - often but not always.

My XW refused to name her paramour despite me telling her who it was. She only relented after I'd convinced her that I would go round to his house and beat the truth out of him in front of his wife and kids. (I wasn't going to - she wasn't worth doing time for - but I'm a better actor than she is theatre critic.) It was who I'd named and she'd sworn it wasn't.

Was she protecting him - No. I don't think she was. She had no concern for him or anyone else.

She was frightened; not that I would get the truth - but that I would get the whole truth.

That I would get to know a lot of historic as well as recent things about which she had confided in him, and things that she had done with/for him and others, that she was desperate to prevent me knowing.

Hence - under the bus he went.


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## Lance Mannion

The OP has shared with us certain facts he has observed (man leaving his house) and also some facts he interpreted (wife is being argumentative, evasive, etc.). Given both types of facts there are a number of scenarios which can be constructed to explain the facts. Most of the scenarios involve the wife cheating. This is the high probability route.

What to make of her passing the poly? Either she beat it or she was truthful. If she was truthful, then what in her mind was she truthful about? All of those questions focused on sexual contact. Question 3 could be answered truthfully but still evasively. Did she arrange to meet someone? She, perhaps, could answer truthfully that she didn't arrange any such meeting because this man did,in fact, drop by without her arranging it. Notice was is excluded. All of her secretive texting and feelings which wold be in play for an emotional affair. Perhaps at the time she was not sexually attracted to this man, her feelings though could be out of bounds but the question skipped over all of that and so a possible emotional affair is not part of what is being questioned by the polygrapher. The OP could have caught this early and blew up her world.

Or everything has an innocent explanation, but this is like winning a lottery. Could happen, but not likely. If innocent there the wife's judgment on her various behaviors is well out of bounds. Allowing a strange man (to her husband) into the home alone with her, being secretive, etc. This is a breeding ground for distrust.

A few months back I reread an old Sci-Fi classic by Heinlein, Time Enough For Love, which involves the protagonist taking a time-travel trip to visit his family of origin back in 1915 and the author devoted a lot of attention to the social mores of having a man enter a household where the husband was not present, then later about how inappropriate is was to have a married woman be seen in public with a non-related, single man. Now of course as society has "liberalized:" these social mores have been overthrown, they're seen as antiquated and offensive to women's self-esteem and dignity, but these social mores also served a purpose, they minimized or removed doubt about infidelity and didn't allow mistrust to grow within a marriage. (And for those who know this book, let's not derail with the other plot-points about what else happened during this time-travel visit.)

All that said, I think the OP had solid ground to believe and then to act as he did. I'm curious to read what the wife has to say about keeping the guy's name secret, why he was there, and the rest. I don't understand why she didn't clear this up right when the fire was lit, that evening, why allow the OP to start on his path and leave so many of his questions unanswered about that night and her behaviors.


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## Evinrude58

Been quite a while, OP still hasn’t gotten a name apparently.... 
good luck op


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## The IT Guy

Your friends and sister don't like her, roll with it. Divorce her or she'll only cause you more pain in the future. She didn't expect you to come home and got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Her actions spoke clearly. Staying with anyone that's cheated isn't ever worth it. 

I know a guy that's staying with someone that's cheated on him and he just won't break it off. And all they do is FIGHT. It isn't healthy. Not only will it take a toll on you emotionally and mentally, but if it isn't rectified, it's going to hit you physically. It's like a domino effect.


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## WonderingGuy25

Sorry, I hadn't updated this in a while, I have spent the last five days in the hospital. Just things are really whacked and Now I am dealing with some physical health things that I didn't know I would have to be dealing with. But I did get a name and some details About this dude, He admitted to learning our address ext on his own without my wife's help and that he came around on purpose when I was not home so he could talk to my wife alone. This guy isn't just a friend so my wife isn't innocent there, this guy is an ex-boyfriend that still apparently thinks he has a shot and isn't letting things go. Anyway, I had gone out that night with some friends of mine just to meet up and hang out and they were trying to put their two sense into things and trying to tell me what I should be doing as well. And I got annoyed and decided I was gonna drive home to my sisters as I had enough people in my ear as of late telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and how I should and shouldn't be feeling emotional and crap. And I dunno what happened but the next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and being told I was in a pretty bad car wreck and had flipped my car a few times. Was a single-car IE just my car-involved wreck. But no one can really tell me what happened and no one really knows. But I got messed up pretty badly. Doctors said I need to go see a Nuro doctor about my MRI scans from after the wreck so I have that on my plate. And no my wife and sister are bickering really badly about all of this as the family wasn't really wanting her around me in the hospital but since I am still technically married the hospital had to let her in. But now they are all fighting because my wife wants me home so I can heal up there but I honestly don't wanna be around her I still don't know what I am going to do with everything going on with that front. And this car wreck just added a completely new layer to it all for me.


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## Casual Observer

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry, I hadn't updated this in a while, I have spent the last five days in the hospital. Just things are really whacked and Now I am dealing with some physical health things that I didn't know I would have to be dealing with. But I did get a name and some details About this dude, He admitted to learning our address ext on his own without my wife's help and that he came around on purpose when I was not home so he could talk to my wife alone. This guy isn't just a friend so my wife isn't innocent there, this guy is an ex-boyfriend that still apparently thinks he has a shot and isn't letting things go. Anyway, I had gone out that night with some friends of mine just to meet up and hang out and they were trying to put their two sense into things and trying to tell me what I should be doing as well. And I got annoyed and decided I was gonna drive home to my sisters as I had enough people in my ear as of late telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and how I should and shouldn't be feeling emotional and crap. And I dunno what happened but the next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and being told I was in a pretty bad car wreck and had flipped my car a few times. Was a single-car IE just my car-involved wreck. But no one can really tell me what happened and no one really knows. But I got messed up pretty badly. Doctors said I need to go see a Nuro doctor about my MRI scans from after the wreck so I have that on my plate. And no my wife and sister are bickering really badly about all of this as the family wasn't really wanting her around me in the hospital but since I am still technically married the hospital had to let her in. But now they are all fighting because my wife wants me home so I can heal up there but I honestly don't wanna be around her I still don't know what I am going to do with everything going on with that front. And this car wreck just added a completely new layer to it all for me.


Really sorry to hear about your latest issues with the car accident! I don't know what you have to do, just that you need a break from it all. There's this feeling that your life is spinning out of control and I'm not entirely certain it's your wife causing it. The car thing is a sign- things can't keep going this way. I'm hoping you come out of this hell quickly, but you've been in a bad spot for such a long time there will be no easy fixes.


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## Wolfman1968

WonderingGuy25 said:


> And no my wife and sister are bickering really badly about all of this as the family wasn't really wanting her around me in the hospital but since I am still technically married the hospital had to let her in.


Actually, that's not true. By law, even a spouse has to be named on the consent for release of information. Medical people use the shorthand "HIPAA" to refer to the consent requirements. You can google "HIPAA privacy" for more background.

Thank of it this way. If it was a battered wife, would the hospital "have to let the perpetrator husband in?". Of course not! So that blows the whole "have to let her in" theory out of the water.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry, I hadn't updated this in a while, I have spent the last five days in the hospital. Just things are really whacked and Now I am dealing with some physical health things that I didn't know I would have to be dealing with. But I did get a name and some details About this dude, He admitted to learning our address ext on his own without my wife's help and that he came around on purpose when I was not home so he could talk to my wife alone. This guy isn't just a friend so my wife isn't innocent there, this guy is an ex-boyfriend that still apparently thinks he has a shot and isn't letting things go. Anyway, I had gone out that night with some friends of mine just to meet up and hang out and they were trying to put their two sense into things and trying to tell me what I should be doing as well. And I got annoyed and decided I was gonna drive home to my sisters as I had enough people in my ear as of late telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and how I should and shouldn't be feeling emotional and crap. And I dunno what happened but the next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and being told I was in a pretty bad car wreck and had flipped my car a few times. Was a single-car IE just my car-involved wreck. But no one can really tell me what happened and no one really knows. But I got messed up pretty badly. Doctors said I need to go see a Nuro doctor about my MRI scans from after the wreck so I have that on my plate. And no my wife and sister are bickering really badly about all of this as the family wasn't really wanting her around me in the hospital but since I am still technically married the hospital had to let her in. But now they are all fighting because my wife wants me home so I can heal up there but I honestly don't wanna be around her I still don't know what I am going to do with everything going on with that front. And this car wreck just added a completely new layer to it all for me.


Even if she was not screwing the dude, why would she let him in the house? That is soo wrong on it's own account and then refuse to tell you. That alone says she has serious boundary issues that she does not seem to think are issues. That happened at my house with either of us the person would have been told to leave and not return, they damn sure would not be allowed in the house and spouse would have been informed immediately.


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## Blondilocks

Convalesce at your sister's if she is amenable. Perhaps your attorney can advise if a restraining order against your wife is a consideration. You don't need any more bullying and your wife seems to be a bit of a rat terrier.


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## Robert22205

So the OM wasn't just an old friend from high school - but an X boyfriend (that you knew nothing about and a guy you never saw before).

The issue remains:

1 - Why did your wife go nuclear in order to cover up the ID of the OM (if it was 100% innocent). 

She not only lied to you repeatedly to cover up the ID of the OM - but when confronted she tried to have you committed.

The above is pretty solid evidence that she's not telling you the whole story behind the OM and his visit to your home.

Therefore, the you wife needs to explain why he would drop by your house without an invitation. 

2 - Why does she need to explain more? 

Because:

It's creeper/stalker behavior (i.e., just not normal).
Most young men have a life. What encouraged him to invest his time to track down a married woman?
Last but not least - How did he know her husband wouldn't be home?

3 - Her nuclear behavior, including lying about the true nature of their past relationship, calls for her to provide much more information. Since she's a liar, you need to be able to verify the story independent of anything she says! 

Therefore you need hard facts about the OM that you can verify. Hard facts that 'people catching up' would exchange immediately. Facts that prove they had no contact or communication prior to his visit to your home.

For example:

Is the OM married or have kids? IMO, married men with young kids don't suddenly look up X GFs.
Where does he live and work? This info may reveal how their paths crossed (again).
How exactly (specific sources) or who (names) exactly did he speak to in order to find out your wife's address?

The above detail not only confirms they were 'catching up' but gives you information you need to determine his motivation - and why this guy just dropped out of the sky after years of no contact.


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## cp3o

So sorry to hear about the wreck - do the medics say that it would have happened without the additional stress or do they think the situation contributed? Either way - please discus the way forward with your attorney.

Don't try to handle this immediately or by yourself - I counsel that you need to get back on an emotional even keel as much as you can before dealing with your wife.

When you do - I think Robert22205 has some fundamental points - particularly "How did he know her husband wouldn't be home?" and that knowing how he traced her may mean giving names that can be checked. I'd be very surprised if they haven't been getting a story together - there might be traceable conversations or evidence thereof? 
Additionally - if he's married I would strongly urge you to have a chat with his wife - clearly he was at least sniffing around - the quickest way to stop that is probably exposure to his wife.

What has happened - whatever it may be - is not going to change over the next few days - I suggest that you rest up and sort the problem once the doctors are confident that further stress won't put you at risk.


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## oldtruck

mandatory polygraph for your WW


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## Evinrude58

Your erratic behavior is pretty concerning.
You need to get healthy mentally and physically. You’re showing your wife to be right about having you committed. You could have just been killed.

your wife has told you a name and it’s an ex bf. So you caught your wife’s ex bf coming out if your house, when you were supposed to be at work. Divorce. Nothing else to be done. But do it when you’re of a healthy state of mind. I wish you luck.


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## EveningThoughts

You went out with some friends.
Were you drinking alcohol?
You remember that you got angry before driving.
Driving whilst angry is not good, but if you were also drinking that's a fatal combination

You are lucky only yourself was involved in the crash.

Maybe your wife wouldn't originally tell you who the guy was because she has seen you react badly to events before, and worried that you would immediately over think and jump to the worst case scenario.
Which you did anyway.

I'm not saying she was in anyway right to do that. 

You need to just deal with the facts now and stop torturing your mind.


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## Casual Observer

oldtruck said:


> mandatory polygraph for your WW


According to OP she's already had one and passed with flying colors. Conventional TAM thinking is that, if she's guilty, she either won't show up (and I think she did a no-show earlier) or there will be a "parking lot confession."


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## Wolfman1968

Casual Observer said:


> According to OP she's already had one and passed with flying colors. Conventional TAM thinking is that, if she's guilty, she either won't show up (and I think she did a no-show earlier) or there will be a "parking lot confession."


Except, as I posted before, the polygraph is irrelevant to me.

The fact that she was lying, the fact that she would not reveal the identity of the other dude, the fact that she acted in a non-trustworthy manner all point to the fact that the marriage relationship has been compromised. Marriage is built on trust. If she is putting her allegiance to the ex-boyfriend, seeking to protect him (and herself) over protecting her spouse (who SHOULD be the most important person in her life), then the trust of the marriage is gone. That's enough to end it for me....regardless on any polygraph.


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## WonderingGuy25

No, I don't drink at all, Just one of those quirks about me I suppose I have never enjoyed Alcohol and it isn't something that interests me in all honesty. The hospital doctors said it could be stress related but they wouldn't know for sure until I meet with the specialist next week. I don't think I have acted erratically at all honestly just trying to deal with this all blowing up in my face. And I am at my sister's still and will remain here for a little while at the very least. Already had a Polly not going to invest in another at this point, Just even with the new information, I just feel it is best that I keep moving forward with the divorce. She has broken my trust and once the trust in a relationship is trashed I do not see how it can possibly be regained. My wife is turning into a pitbull through as of late and just not giving up and just refusing to give me space ext. I dunno what or how she will react when I tell her that I am for sure just moving forward with the divorce. Honestly a bit concerned.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry, I hadn't updated this in a while, I have spent the last five days in the hospital. Just things are really whacked and Now I am dealing with some physical health things that I didn't know I would have to be dealing with. But I did get a name and some details About this dude, He admitted to learning our address ext on his own without my wife's help and that he came around on purpose when I was not home so he could talk to my wife alone. This guy isn't just a friend so my wife isn't innocent there, this guy is an ex-boyfriend that still apparently thinks he has a shot and isn't letting things go. Anyway, I had gone out that night with some friends of mine just to meet up and hang out and they were trying to put their two sense into things and trying to tell me what I should be doing as well. And I got annoyed and decided I was gonna drive home to my sisters as I had enough people in my ear as of late telling me what I should and shouldn't be doing and how I should and shouldn't be feeling emotional and crap. And I dunno what happened but the next thing I remembered was waking up in the hospital and being told I was in a pretty bad car wreck and had flipped my car a few times. Was a single-car IE just my car-involved wreck. But no one can really tell me what happened and no one really knows. But I got messed up pretty badly. Doctors said I need to go see a Nuro doctor about my MRI scans from after the wreck so I have that on my plate. And no my wife and sister are bickering really badly about all of this as the family wasn't really wanting her around me in the hospital but since I am still technically married the hospital had to let her in. But now they are all fighting because my wife wants me home so I can heal up there but I honestly don't wanna be around her I still don't know what I am going to do with everything going on with that front. And this car wreck just added a completely new layer to it all for me.


Really bad timing, but glad you are safe.
In regards to the latest revelation so that's how she passed the polygraph based on the four questions you choose. Makes sense now.



> She has broken my trust and once the trust in a relationship is trashed I do not see how it can possibly be regained. My wife is turning into a pitbull through as of late and just not giving up and just refusing to give me space ext. I dunno what or how she will react when I tell her that I am for sure just moving forward with the divorce. Honestly a bit concerned.


The trust will never be 100% again yes, but the relationship is still salvageable if you wish it. You will need to establish some firm boundaries and expectation of full transparency, including a police report and restraining order on that guy, but all this is still going to leave a scar. Personally, I would have been gone the minute she refused to tell me who the guy was, let alone inviting him to your home letting him know your schedule etc.


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## Lance Mannion

RandomDude said:


> The trust will never be 100% again yes, but the relationship is still salvageable if you wish it. You will need to establish some firm boundaries and expectation of full transparency, including a police report and restraining order on that guy, but all this is still going to leave a scar. Personally, I would have been gone the minute she refused to tell me who the guy was, let alone inviting him to your home letting him know your schedule etc.


The poly. As I predicted in post #191. Downstream of this issue is the likelihood of truth for the remaining questions has increased. The poly captured the nuance in question #3. The difference between his wife inviting this man and this man showing up uninvited. That's a pretty damn subtle distinction, so if the poly is capturing that subtlety then the sex related questions have increased predictive accuracy.

For the old pros on this forum, all well-versed in the script of boundaries and proper behavior, the wife in not a safe partner, but I've seen plenty of couples, especially young couples deeply acculturated by the liberal dogma on "enlightened" relationships and opposite-sex friends and even how cool it is to have ex's as friends, having very lax standards on how marriages are conducted. Just go read Reddit to have your eyes opened. This dude shows up, the wife thinks everything is A-OK, then gets freaked at some point and freezes up by not revealing his identity and relationship status. She's clueless about how this is eroding trust, probably never gave trust issues in marriage a moment of thought. Doesn't understand why husband is taking such a hard line, now she's desperate to get him to calm down.

Are we ascribing malice to what is merely a young wife's ignorance of proper conduct in marriage?


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## Sfort

WonderingGuy25 said:


> She has broken my trust and once the trust in a relationship is trashed I do not see how it can possibly be regained.


Trust can absolutely be rebuilt, but it takes a lot of time, a lot of work, and the right attitudes. The desire to rebuild the trust has to be sincere on both sides. If what she did was a "death sentence", don't waste your time. Also, if you weaponize the rebuilding process, you're not sincere in rebuilding trust. There are some good bucks on trust. I made a public presentation on trust once, so I read a number of books on the subject. It's a fascinating but not well understand emotion.



> My wife is turning into a pitbull through as of late and just not giving up and just refusing to give me space ext. I dunno what or how she will react when I tell her that I am for sure just moving forward with the divorce. Honestly a bit concerned.


So what if she turns into a pit bull? Are you physically afraid of her? If not, why do you care how she reacts? If you're divorcing her, you're getting away from this problem. It sounds like she has too much control over you at the moment. You need to decide if that's true, and if it is, why.


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## Blondilocks

Again, talk to your attorney about the possibility of getting a restraining order against your wife. She is compromising your convalescence. At least until you can get to the neurologist for the results of the MRI. God only knows how she will try to pull the Baker Act on you (which is one more valid reason to divorce, IMO). She doesn't have your best interests at heart.


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## Robert22205

Don't let anyone even suggest you fell asleep at the wheel. In some states, that's a felony.

There's more to the story about the X. It's unlikely an old X (from years ago) just showed up unannounced at your door one day hoping a married woman was interested in dating him. Did he have contact with her through social media?

Your wife dug herself a deep hole with meeting the X behind your back - but went deeper by trying to have you committed (while knowing that your suspicion of the OM was fully justified). 

Trust is a wonderful thing and typically taken for granted - until it's lost. 

You know your wife's history of day to day respect for and treatment of you better than anyone (including your friends).

Trust is complicated and, among other things, is influenced long term by an accumulation of minor day to day things you observed about her that in retrospect you can't even put into words. 

Meeting with the X boyfriend at your home (and then attempting to have you committed) just opened the door - and gave you the slap in the face you needed to see 'who' she is and what she's capable of. 

Your mental health is a very private and intimate issue you felt safe sharing with your wife. 

Her behavior involves a lot more than just a misunderstanding about boundaries with members of the opposite sex. There's also a serious ongoing trust issue with her willingness to control you (for her own selfish purposes) by exploiting/taking advantage of what she believes is your greatest vulnerability (your mental health).

Finally, your decision to reconcile or divorce is not subject to anyone else's definition of right or wrong. It's 100% your decision based on what you need from a life partner ...and those needs are not subject to judgement.


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## Robert22205

How long will the divorce process take?


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## SadOne1974

I’m sorry this is happening to you. Since I have been fausly accused of cheating by my husband numerous times I would suggest that you get some hard evidence prior to doing anything like filing for divorce or accusing her. If she is actually cheating it will not be hard to get some real evidence.... 

Have there been any other prior instances where u thought she was cheating. If so what have u seen (besides the man leaving the house ..which seems like something she should be able to explain).


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## Evinrude58

The chances of you catching this guy at your home the first time he visited are extremely low. That said, she passed the polygragh.

File for divorce. You don’t have to follow through with it if you choose to reconcile. 
she needs a wake up call at the very least that you WILL boot her. And if you choose to divorce her, I couldn’t argue the case for not. As said, the trust is gone.


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## WonderingGuy25

Yes, I am physically and mentally scared of my wife at this point. And No I haven't allowed anyone to even remotely say that I had fallen asleep at the wheel. I talked to my lawyer today after my wife came over yesterday and decided to get hostile and spew vitriol at me and my sister and just swore up and down she would fight the divorce and make it go as long as she could and that I was making a mistake. If it isn't one thing it is another it feels like when it rains it pours I suppose, Is it bad I have doubts about all of this and just want things to go back to the way it was? I really love her but She is starting to scare me at this point. It is the holidays and my family is broken right now. She said she was going to prove how wrong I was and was going to get a dna test on the baby next week. If it is mine I will honestly feel awful for the things I said to her when all of this first went down. She hit my sister more than once but thankfully I was able to break that up and got my sister not to call the police or press charges for now anyway. Just a lot going on.


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## Lance Mannion

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yes, I am physically and mentally scared of my wife at this point. And No I haven't allowed anyone to even remotely say that I had fallen asleep at the wheel. I talked to my lawyer today after my wife came over yesterday and decided to get hostile and spew vitriol at me and my sister and just swore up and down she would fight the divorce and make it go as long as she could and that I was making a mistake. If it isn't one thing it is another it feels like when it rains it pours I suppose, Is it bad I have doubts about all of this and just want things to go back to the way it was? I really love her but She is starting to scare me at this point. It is the holidays and my family is broken right now. She said she was going to prove how wrong I was and was going to get a dna test on the baby next week. If it is mine I will honestly feel awful for the things I said to her when all of this first went down. She hit my sister more than once but thankfully I was able to break that up and got my sister not to call the police or press charges for now anyway. Just a lot going on.


I think I'm the odd-man out in this thread. You have Aspergers, anxiety and depression. Your sister has never liked your wife. You said your wife was disengaged, well now she is not. She passed the poly and truthfully answered the important questions you wanted answered. She didn't cheat on you. What she did was make some stupid boundary and trust mistakes. She wants you and is fighting to keep you. You wanted an engaged wife, well now you've got one.

It's not bad that you have doubts. I think you certainly had very reasonable grounds to believe she was cheating, but I don't actually see the evidence that she was or is. Your wife is being punished for a few things. That ex-bf took it upon himself to show up. She passed the poly on this issue, she didn't invite him. She's being punished for being evasive about him. That's completely on her, but I suspect that her decision was heavily influenced by your marital dynamics. Well you're certainly punishing her. I'm not convinced that your marriage is beyond salvage, in fact, I think it would be quite easy to salvage because there really wasn't any infidelity or deception WITH INTENT, she acted sketchy because you two have bad habits in your marriage, so fix those bad habits and learn a lesson.

Look, you have your issues, I don't know how easy you are to live with, but she is making it clear that she wants you. Are you really going to be happy with being a single dad, trying to find a new wife (maybe.) Unlike a lot of people here who try to reconcile, you don't actually have to deal with infidelity and her behavior, while wrong, doesn't stem from a place where she is done with you and disengaged.

Ultimately though, you're the boss of your own life. If you really cannot trust her any longer, then bail on this marriage and make the best of your life, but if the trust is still, somewhat there, then it can be rebuilt because she never had bad motives. Good luck.


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## Wolfman1968

Lance Mannion said:


> I think I'm the odd-man out in this thread. You have Aspergers, anxiety and depression. Your sister has never liked your wife. You said your wife was disengaged, well now she is not. She passed the poly and truthfully answered the important questions you wanted answered. She didn't cheat on you. What she did was make some stupid boundary and trust mistakes. She wants you and is fighting to keep you. You wanted an engaged wife, well now you've got one.
> 
> It's not bad that you have doubts. I think you certainly had very reasonable grounds to believe she was cheating, but I don't actually see the evidence that she was or is. Your wife is being punished for a few things. That ex-bf took it upon himself to show up. She passed the poly on this issue, she didn't invite him. She's being punished for being evasive about him. That's completely on her, but I suspect that her decision was heavily influenced by your marital dynamics. Well you're certainly punishing her. I'm not convinced that your marriage is beyond salvage, in fact, I think it would be quite easy to salvage because there really wasn't any infidelity or deception WITH INTENT, she acted sketchy because you two have bad habits in your marriage, so fix those bad habits and learn a lesson.
> 
> Look, you have your issues, I don't know how easy you are to live with, but she is making it clear that she wants you. Are you really going to be happy with being a single dad, trying to find a new wife (maybe.) Unlike a lot of people here who try to reconcile, you don't actually have to deal with infidelity and her behavior, while wrong, doesn't stem from a place where she is done with you and disengaged.
> 
> Ultimately though, you're the boss of your own life. If you really cannot trust her any longer, then bail on this marriage and make the best of your life, but if the trust is still, somewhat there, then it can be rebuilt because she never had bad motives. Good luck.


 I see several problems with this line of thinking.

First, you put a lot of faith in, and most of your subsequent arguments center on, the polygraph. It is very controversial how reliable they really are. They are just a tool, really, to manipulate others. I had a friend who, back when we were in college, stole supplies/food from the ice-cream store where he worked (cups, plasticware, etc., and would give himself and his friends free food). He passed his polygraph with flying colors. They're not foolproof. I also don't think the questions were the best.

OK, so then take a step back and look at the whole situation. OP's wife, at the very least, had poor boundaries. If she fooled the polygraph, then she actually had an affair at some level. The truth can be anywhere between those two points. She also refused, REPEATEDLY, to give up the name of the other man. That goes beyond just poor boundaries. That shows misplaced loyalties. She is more loyal to her Ex than to her husband. 

Then, as the story develops, she is violent with the sister of the OP---that's Domestic Violence, which should be a non-starter for anyone here. Rather than being contrite and apologetic, the OP's wife is described as "being hostile, spewing vitriol" and threatening to "fight the divorce to make it go as long as possible" (i.e., make it so mentally difficult for the OP that he would give up the proceedings). Is that what we usually see of truly remorseful spouses? No! Typically we would see a resolve to "win over" the spouse by making themselves so wonderful and pleasant that the divorcing spouse would have second thoughts. Instead, what is shown here is the behavior of a controlling, manipulative person---which, incidentally, would be consistent with the other behaviors of hiding the OM's identity, the Domestic Violence, legal threats to the OP, etc.

I just don't see why you think this woman is a good spouse for anyone, let alone the OP. If the OP truly has some form of Aspergers, then someone like this would be the LAST type of person he should be involved with---because he'll be taken advantage of. 

OP, I think you should stay the course and continue your divorce. I think @Lance Mannion 's take is very ill-advised.


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## Lance Mannion

Wolfman1968 said:


> I see several problems with this line of thinking.
> 
> First, you put a lot of faith in, and most of your subsequent arguments center on, the polygraph. It is very controversial how reliable they really are. They are just a tool, really, to manipulate others. I had a friend who, back when we were in college, stole supplies/food from the ice-cream store where he worked (cups, plasticware, etc., and would give himself and his friends free food). He passed his polygraph with flying colors. They're not foolproof. I also don't think the questions were the best.
> 
> OK, so then take a step back and look at the whole situation. OP's wife, at the very least, had poor boundaries. If she fooled the polygraph, then she actually had an affair at some level. The truth can be anywhere between those two points. She also refused, REPEATEDLY, to give up the name of the other man. That goes beyond just poor boundaries. That shows misplaced loyalties. She is more loyal to her Ex than to her husband.
> 
> Then, as the story develops, she is violent with the sister of the OP---that's Domestic Violence, which should be a non-starter for anyone here. Rather than being contrite and apologetic, the OP's wife is described as "being hostile, spewing vitriol" and threatening to "fight the divorce to make it go as long as possible" (i.e., make it so mentally difficult for the OP that he would give up the proceedings). Is that what we usually see of truly remorseful spouses? No! Typically we would see a resolve to "win over" the spouse by making themselves so wonderful and pleasant that the divorcing spouse would have second thoughts. Instead, what is shown here is the behavior of a controlling, manipulative person---which, incidentally, would be consistent with the other behaviors of hiding the OM's identity, the Domestic Violence, legal threats to the OP, etc.
> 
> I just don't see why you think this woman is a good spouse for anyone, let alone the OP. If the OP truly has some form of Aspergers, then someone like this would be the LAST type of person he should be involved with---because he'll be taken advantage of.
> 
> OP, I think you should stay the course and continue your divorce. I think @Lance Mannion 's take is very ill-advised.


That polygraph caught the difference between "wife invites man over" and "wife didn't know and man invited himself." She made her statement and the question was about the man's presence in the home, so already she has something to be nervous about, wondering if there is going to be a false reporting.

The questions were not the best, I agree. You want clear-cut distinctions between truth and lie. I'm not going to look up the wording on the 3rd question, but it was very convoluted and yet she still passed. That gives me more confidence in the accuracy of the other results.

I'll put my cards on the table. I have my doubts as to whether the OP is accurately assessing what played out. I, of course, have no way of knowing, but people with aspergers misinterpret a lot of human social cues. This leads me to wonder about the wife, her state of mind, her accommodations for her husband. If I'm out of line and all that the OP wrote is as it all went down, then this concern of mine is completely void and invalid. That said, what I wrote is still valid, this could well be two people with bad boundaries and poor decision making skills (the wife) getting boxed into a corner. I can't imagine why she didn't reveal the name of the guy, what is the upside to her secrecy? Even if she was cheating, what was the upside to not providing a name? Her husband was going to find out eventually, he saw the damn guy, so it's not like the incident is going to disappear from his memory. So this goes to her motive. I don't see a motive to cover up cheating. If there was cheating, then the cat is out the bag. I see poor mental discipline on her part, avoidance of the issue in the hopes it will go away.

I strongly disagree with your characterization of her misplaced loyalties. I don't think her refusal to give up the name had anything to do with a contest of loyalties. I agree that in many such cases that this is exactly what is going on with WS, they have transferred loyalty to the AP, but I don't actually think there was an affair here, the dude showed up unannounced, and for that type of guy who is intent on getting her, he'd know that this is rude behavior and probably loved that the husband came back and that he sowed doubt in that marriage, wanting to blow it up so that he could get the girl. I just don't see any extramarital relationship of substance there which leads to a transferal of loyalty. What I see is a loyal wife fighting for her husband to pull him back from a bad decision.

Whatever transpired with the sister, there is a history of animosity between them. That said, whatever happened is immaterial to the core issue - does he have serious enough grounds to pull the plug. If the trust issue is due to misunderstanding, I'd say no, because if due to misunderstanding then there is no ill intent on her part. If there is some ill intent, then yes the trust is going to be hard to impossible to rebuild.

Like I said, I'm the odd-man out here, I've made my case, the OP can read it, take your criticism of my case and the criticism of others which I'm sure will soon follow, and mull it all over for himself. It's his life.

ETA: Remorseful wife's behavior? No. But a falsely accused wife's behavior, yes. This case is not that clear cut a to whether she actually cheated on him.


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## Blondilocks

OP, you made a mistake when you talked your sister out of pressing charges. Have her go ahead and report it as that could be a factor in whether a restraining order is granted.


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## RandomDude

Lance Mannion said:


> ETA: Remorseful wife's behavior? No. But a falsely accused wife's behavior, yes. This case is not that clear cut a to whether she actually cheated on him.


She brought it on herself by not only having another man in the house but also protecting him from her husband and refuses responsibility for it.


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## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> OP, you made a mistake when you talked your sister out of pressing charges. Have her go ahead and report it as that could be a factor in whether a restraining order is granted.


Agreed, this is indeed ammunition to be used in court, no doubt OP's soon-to-be-exwife will be trying to do the same.

'Tis war


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## Robert22205

IMO you need to get a restraining order against her. 

You don't owe your wife an apology. She broke your trust and continues to withhold information about the X. You caught her with another man and her subsequent lies and her immediate attack on your mental health rather (than the truth) created the broken family.

IMO someone that has nothing to hide - hides nothing. And her verbal threats to you and physical attack on your sister (rather than just answer your questions about the OM) is evidence that she believes you'd divorce her if you knew all the facts.

Family harmony will remain broken until she rebuilds your trust and answers all your questions about the X. You have a right to know if you interrupted them in the early stage of an affair (or if she was sending signals that she was unhappily married and available to play).

When you caught him at your house that day, she didn't know she was pregnant. 

And if they didn't have sex yet then she knew right away that it was your baby and the X would immediately lose interest - and therefore she was 100% back into being married to you. 

1 - She needs to answer all your questions about her relationship with the X. 

2 - Life isn't going to get easier for her. Day to day marital grind and stress escalates with children - and she can't deal constructively with things now. She attacks you as mentally unstable and unable to cope - but the reality is that she's more dysfunctional. 

You need to decide if you want to remain married to someone that lied, used private intimate knowledge about your mental health against you to have you committed, and now attacks your sister. 

Plus, you need to investigate the full extent of her relationship with the X.


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## Openminded

She hit your sister and you talked your sister out of pressing charges? That was a mistake. Do you know what happens when people are allowed to get away with violence? They escalate it. Why not?


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## Evinrude58

There is zero belief on my part that the ex bf came by her home unannounced and had prior knowledgeable OP wouldn’t be there.

that said, I’d like to hear her version.
OP, your wife just said she’d ruin you in a divorce, and gut your sister twice, you say you’re physically afraid of her— and yet you talk your sister OUT of pressing charges? You are not thinking clearly.

I wish your wife would post here so we could get a more accurate presentation of each perspective.


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## Lance Mannion

RandomDude said:


> She brought it on herself by not only having another man in the house but also protecting him from her husband and refuses responsibility for it.


I don't disagree. Stupidity though is different from malice.


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## Diana7

Divinely Favored said:


> Even if she was not screwing the dude, why would she let him in the house? That is soo wrong on it's own account and then refuse to tell you. That alone says she has serious boundary issues that she does not seem to think are issues. That happened at my house with either of us the person would have been told to leave and not return, they damn sure would not be allowed in the house and spouse would have been informed immediately.


Unless it was prearranaged how did the ex even know the OP wouldn't be in?I suspect she asked him to say that he just turned up. Why lie about it and not give his name?


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Yes, I am physically and mentally scared of my wife at this point. And No I haven't allowed anyone to even remotely say that I had fallen asleep at the wheel. I talked to my lawyer today after my wife came over yesterday and decided to get hostile and spew vitriol at me and my sister and just swore up and down she would fight the divorce and make it go as long as she could and that I was making a mistake. If it isn't one thing it is another it feels like when it rains it pours I suppose, Is it bad I have doubts about all of this and just want things to go back to the way it was? I really love her but She is starting to scare me at this point. It is the holidays and my family is broken right now. She said she was going to prove how wrong I was and was going to get a dna test on the baby next week. If it is mine I will honestly feel awful for the things I said to her when all of this first went down. She hit my sister more than once but thankfully I was able to break that up and got my sister not to call the police or press charges for now anyway. Just a lot going on.


To be honest the dna test will only show you if the baby is yours. It wont help you to know what exactly happened with the OM. Like did they arrange it, why was he there, how did he know your were out, why didnt she give you his name etc.
She hit your sister twice and you did nothing? Good grief. You should have reported it and got a restraining order. That was completely unnacceptable. If she comes round again dont open the door.


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## WonderingGuy25

I know it was a mistake to protect my wife and get my sister to not press charges. And I feel bad for it now but in the heat of the moment, I was just trying to protect the women that I still love. This might have been my own mistake, not the first I have made here I suppose. Honestly, I know and hope she loves me but at the same time, I am starting to have doubts about all of this I feel like I probably blew all of this out of proportion. Just having doubts, I dunno if that is normal but nothing has felt normal or right no matter what I have been going through as of late. I go in to see the specialist in the morning so we will see what is wrong with me. Told my sister if she wants to press charges she should just go ahead and do it though. My wife bruised my sister and that just isn't okay and that just is bothering me a lot to the point of just feeling awful that I stood up for her. Honestly, right now I am more worried about what could be wrong with me than anything else. But also just hoping that the baby is mine now so that something good actually comes of this whole mess.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I know it was a mistake to protect my wife and get my sister to not press charges. And I feel bad for it now but in the heat of the moment, I was just trying to protect the women that I still love. This might have been my own mistake, not the first I have made here I suppose. Honestly, I know and hope she loves me but at the same time, I am starting to have doubts about all of this I feel like I probably blew all of this out of proportion. Just having doubts, I dunno if that is normal but nothing has felt normal or right no matter what I have been going through as of late. I go in to see the specialist in the morning so we will see what is wrong with me. Told my sister if she wants to press charges she should just go ahead and do it though. My wife bruised my sister and that just isn't okay and that just is bothering me a lot to the point of just feeling awful that I stood up for her. Honestly, right now I am more worried about what could be wrong with me than anything else. But also just hoping that the baby is mine now so that something good actually comes of this whole mess.


I may have missed this but do you actually know who the OM is now? If so have you asked him how he knew where you lived and that you would be out? Did your wife tell you why she refused to tell you who it was?.


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## shortbus

Trust your gut, it's right. The second thoughts are due to her gaslighting.


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## nypsychnurse

Evinrude58 said:


> There is zero belief on my part that the ex bf came by her home unannounced and had prior knowledgeable OP wouldn’t be there.


Just to play devil's advocate here : I've had an ex show up at my door unannounced at least 3 times that I can think of...
In every instance there had been no contact and they had zero knowledge of what was going on in my life relationshipwise...and they hoped that the door would still be open for them to return...
In 2 cases, I was kind and invited them in briefly...the 3rd case...well it was 2am and he was drunk, so, no

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Divinely Favored

nypsychnurse said:


> Just to play devil's advocate here : I've had an ex show up at my door unannounced at least 3 times that I can think of...
> In every instance there had been no contact and they had zero knowledge of what was going on in my life relationshipwise...and they hoped that the door would still be open for them to return...
> In 2 cases, I was kind and invited them in briefly...the 3rd case...well it was 2am and he was drunk, so, no
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Were you still living in the same house you were when with them? Or had you married and moved and they found you?


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## nypsychnurse

I was still living in the same house

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## WonderingGuy25

Sorry that I keep disappearing just having a lot going on, Wife got arrested. So there was that, And I met with the specialist and he found a mass on my brain that I guess the hospital missed but he isn't sure how they missed it so I underwent more then a few tests and now I am just waiting and finding out if I have cancer and or if I need surgery. The OM found our address by name search through the home property search, Honestly isn't that difficult. But still rather shocking that he chose to do something like that. I don't know I am starting to feel like I believe her and that I have made a mistake, Or it just could be the fact that I am ****ing terrified os what I am about to face and go through and I would like to have someone to support me ya know? Yeah, my wife hasn't acted the best but I truly do believe that it is because of how I have acted myself and that she was just upset over me torpedoing our marriage. My sister thinks I am just overcompensating because of what the specialist has told me. She might be right but I haven't ever really been sure of everything throughout this entire cluster of stupid. I dunno what I am even doing anymore at this point, Just really a struggle, Christmas time shouldn't be like this honestly. Family and health are imploding.


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## Lance Mannion

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry that I keep disappearing just having a lot going on, Wife got arrested. So there was that, And I met with the specialist and he found a mass on my brain that I guess the hospital missed but he isn't sure how they missed it so I underwent more then a few tests and now I am just waiting and finding out if I have cancer and or if I need surgery. The OM found our address by name search through the home property search, Honestly isn't that difficult. But still rather shocking that he chose to do something like that. I don't know I am starting to feel like I believe her and that I have made a mistake, Or it just could be the fact that I am ****ing terrified os what I am about to face and go through and I would like to have someone to support me ya know? Yeah, my wife hasn't acted the best but I truly do believe that it is because of how I have acted myself and that she was just upset over me torpedoing our marriage. My sister thinks I am just overcompensating because of what the specialist has told me. She might be right but I haven't ever really been sure of everything throughout this entire cluster of stupid. I dunno what I am even doing anymore at this point, Just really a struggle, Christmas time shouldn't be like this honestly. Family and health are imploding.


Not shocking at all about the OM's strategy. If he wants your women, then blowing up your marriage by seeding doubt in your mind is a very good play on his part.

I know people are going to be cheering your wife's arrest, but I'm not. You said that she and your sister have never gotten along, her arrest (if for that blowup with your sister) is an awful price to pay for trying to save her marriage.

Your sister's advice is tainted by her dislike of your wife. Both you and your wife, heck even your sister, are awful decision analysts. Nobody is thinking straight at all. 

Have you done anything to find actual evidence of some connection between your wife and the OM? It's been a long time now, there should still be ongoing communication. Find out. If there is, then you at least have some basis to suspect other than your wife's bad decision to keep things from you in the hopes that the problem of OM visiting her unannounced would just go away.

Good luck.


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## Harold Demure

Wow, this is a mess. What if the wife is telling the truth here? If so, at this moment 1) some low life has taken steps to deliberately break up her marriage ; 2) her husband has left her when she is pregnant; 3);she has been arrested because of a fight with the OP’s sister who has her own agenda; and 4) her husband may now been very ill, potentially leaving her a widow with a young baby.

If (and this is a big if) she is telling the truth then OP, you are in such deep sh*t now and she would be well within her rights to divorce you. Which ever way it goes, your marriage will never be the same again. If she is right, how do you come back from this?

Only she knows the real truth. Still lots of questions for her to answer, the first being why didn’t she just tell you who he was straight off?

Just wanted to offer a different perspective on the wife. I truly don’t know what to believe here but think Lance Mannion’s question about evidence of any other contact is a good one.

Good luck with your health and everything else.


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## syhoybenden

Harold Demure said:


> What if the wife is telling the truth here?


Naaahh.

So why hasn’t she been open and honest from the get-go? Why so defensive?

So, you may have learned bit here, at great personal expense no less, but … what you still don’t know is a whole lot bigger than what you do know.


----------



## Blondilocks

Even if she is telling the truth (about what?), they are where they are because of the wife's behavior. 

OP, you're in a dreadful position due to your diagnosis. My sincere sympathy. Please concentrate on your health and not try to solve the marriage issue until you know what you are dealing with. Your sister is your ally. If your wife truly loves you, she will want what is best for you as an individual.


----------



## BlueWoman

I’ve been following along since the beginning and OP I am so sorry this is all happening to you. I can’t imagine the stress you are under right now. 

But I think I am with @nypsychnurse. As I’ve read this, I haven’t seen anything that convinces me that she did cheat. I am wondering if she didn’t tell you because she thought you wouldn’t react well to it. I don’t think that is the right thing to do on her part, and I certainly can understand why you wouldn’t trust her after that, but I dont’ think it proves cheating. And since the man has already admitted that he was deliberately showing up when you weren’t there, I’m even more inclined to believe she didn’t cheat, but made a bad choice and has poor boundaries. 


But if she didn’t cheat can you imagine what this feels like to her? The rug has been completely pulled out from under her. It’s not really a surprise she lost her stuff at your sister. No she shouldn’t of hit your sister but she’s pregnant and under a lot of stress her self.

But if she didn’t cheat can you imagine what this feels like to her? The rug has been completely pulled out from under her. It’s not really a surprise she lost her stuff at your sister. No she shouldn’t of hit your sister but she’s pregnant and under a lot of stress herself. 

I don’t know what you should do. I do think the two of you need serious Counseling. I actually think marriage counseling might work for you.


----------



## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> Sorry that I keep disappearing just having a lot going on, Wife got arrested. So there was that, And I met with the specialist and he found a mass on my brain that I guess the hospital missed but he isn't sure how they missed it so I underwent more then a few tests and now I am just waiting and finding out if I have cancer and or if I need surgery. The OM found our address by name search through the home property search, Honestly isn't that difficult. But still rather shocking that he chose to do something like that. I don't know I am starting to feel like I believe her and that I have made a mistake, Or it just could be the fact that I am ****ing terrified os what I am about to face and go through and I would like to have someone to support me ya know? Yeah, my wife hasn't acted the best but I truly do believe that it is because of how I have acted myself and that she was just upset over me torpedoing our marriage. My sister thinks I am just overcompensating because of what the specialist has told me. She might be right but I haven't ever really been sure of everything throughout this entire cluster of stupid. I dunno what I am even doing anymore at this point, Just really a struggle, Christmas time shouldn't be like this honestly. Family and health are imploding.


You need to remember that all this is your wife's responsibility *protecting the other man* rather than her own husband. She could have easily avoided such a sh-t show but she decided to let things escalate and revealed her true colors by *threatening to have you* *committed *as well as *assaulting your sister*. Those three things, bolded, are enough for me to carry on the divorce, regardless of whether or not she had a physical affair - if she was my wife she would have committed infidelity already by breaching my trust even if she didn't do the deed.

Remember - judging by your wife's behavior and lack of transparency throughout this mess it is very likely you only know the tip of the iceberg:










However, all this is salvageable, but she needs to accept responsibility for all of this. I don't think you overreacted at all in fact I reckon you underreacted considering the circumstances. Hopefully by her arrest she should learn that there are consequences to her actions. If I was you, I would stay true to my decision with divorce but leave some room for reconciliation if she decides to finally acknowledge her part in all this mess. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do - wash your hands clean of that and go in with a clear conscience because she would be the one driving a dagger through the marriage by her refusal.


----------



## RandomDude

Robert22205 said:


> IMO you need to get a restraining order against her.
> 
> You don't owe your wife an apology. She broke your trust and continues to withhold information about the X. You caught her with another man and her subsequent lies and her immediate attack on your mental health rather (than the truth) created the broken family.
> 
> IMO someone that has nothing to hide - hides nothing. And her verbal threats to you and physical attack on your sister (rather than just answer your questions about the OM) is evidence that she believes you'd divorce her if you knew all the facts.
> 
> Family harmony will remain broken until she rebuilds your trust and answers all your questions about the X. You have a right to know if you interrupted them in the early stage of an affair (or if she was sending signals that she was unhappily married and available to play).
> 
> When you caught him at your house that day, she didn't know she was pregnant.
> 
> And if they didn't have sex yet then she knew right away that it was your baby and the X would immediately lose interest - and therefore she was 100% back into being married to you.
> 
> 1 - She needs to answer all your questions about her relationship with the X.
> 
> 2 - Life isn't going to get easier for her. Day to day marital grind and stress escalates with children - and she can't deal constructively with things now. She attacks you as mentally unstable and unable to cope - but the reality is that she's more dysfunctional.
> 
> You need to decide if you want to remain married to someone that lied, used private intimate knowledge about your mental health against you to have you committed, and now attacks your sister.
> 
> Plus, you need to investigate the full extent of her relationship with the X.


Your advice has been pretty consistently spot on throughout this thread. 

@WonderingGuy25 

Please read.


----------



## Diana7

Harold Demure said:


> Wow, this is a mess. What if the wife is telling the truth here? If so, at this moment 1) some low life has taken steps to deliberately break up her marriage ; 2) her husband has left her when she is pregnant; 3);she has been arrested because of a fight with the OP’s sister who has her own agenda; and 4) her husband may now been very ill, potentially leaving her a widow with a young baby.
> 
> If (and this is a big if) she is telling the truth then OP, you are in such deep sh*t now and she would be well within her rights to divorce you. Which ever way it goes, your marriage will never be the same again. If she is right, how do you come back from this?
> 
> Only she knows the real truth. Still lots of questions for her to answer, the first being why didn’t she just tell you who he was straight off?
> 
> Just wanted to offer a different perspective on the wife. I truly don’t know what to believe here but think Lance Mannion’s question about evidence of any other contact is a good one.
> 
> Good luck with your health and everything else.


The main reason why he thought there was something going on was that she point blank refused to tell him what the OM was doing there and who he was. If it was all innocent then she would have told him straight away. No need to keep secrets if it happened as she now says. 
As for the attack, even if you dont get on, there is never any need to use violence against someone unless you are being violently attacked first.


----------



## Diana7

BlueWoman said:


> I’ve been following along since the beginning and OP I am so sorry this is all happening to you. I can’t imagine the stress you are under right now.
> 
> But I think I am with @nypsychnurse. As I’ve read this, I haven’t seen anything that convinces me that she did cheat. I am wondering if she didn’t tell you because she thought you wouldn’t react well to it. I don’t think that is the right thing to do on her part, and I certainly can understand why you wouldn’t trust her after that, but I dont’ think it proves cheating. And since the man has already admitted that he was deliberately showing up when you weren’t there, I’m even more inclined to believe she didn’t cheat, but made a bad choice and has poor boundaries.
> 
> 
> But if she didn’t cheat can you imagine what this feels like to her? The rug has been completely pulled out from under her. It’s not really a surprise she lost her stuff at your sister. No she shouldn’t of hit your sister but she’s pregnant and under a lot of stress her self.
> 
> But if she didn’t cheat can you imagine what this feels like to her? The rug has been completely pulled out from under her. It’s not really a surprise she lost her stuff at your sister. No she shouldn’t of hit your sister but she’s pregnant and under a lot of stress herself.
> 
> I don’t know what you should do. I do think the two of you need serious Counseling. I actually think marriage counseling might work for you.


He found the man coming out of their house, how was refusing to tell him who he was or what he was doing there going to help him react better? People who have nothing to hide tell the truth.


----------



## Diana7

nypsychnurse said:


> Just to play devil's advocate here : I've had an ex show up at my door unannounced at least 3 times that I can think of...
> In every instance there had been no contact and they had zero knowledge of what was going on in my life relationshipwise...and they hoped that the door would still be open for them to return...
> In 2 cases, I was kind and invited them in briefly...the 3rd case...well it was 2am and he was drunk, so, no
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


Yes but you presumably told your partner or would have done if you had one? The first thing I would do if that happened to me would be tell my husband, whether he knew he had been round or not.


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## ABHale

Just think, all of this started because your wife would not tell you who the guy was leaving your house in the middle of the day.

Your wife caused all of this drama herself.


----------



## ABHale

nypsychnurse said:


> Just to play devil's advocate here : I've had an ex show up at my door unannounced at least 3 times that I can think of...
> In every instance there had been no contact and they had zero knowledge of what was going on in my life relationshipwise...and they hoped that the door would still be open for them to return...
> In 2 cases, I was kind and invited them in briefly...the 3rd case...well it was 2am and he was drunk, so, no
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


These are things that you could not avoid, they just showed up. This is what OP’s wife is saying “now” as well. The problem is his wife refused to tell him who the OM was and what he was doing at OP’s home. If she had been honest about it, I believe OP would have been ok with the explanation.


----------



## RandomDude

ABHale said:


> Just think, all of this started because your wife would not tell you who the guy was leaving your house in the middle of the day.
> 
> Your wife caused all of this drama herself.


I know right. It's like she decided:

"Even if I didn't do anything, I'm going to act like I did anyway, because that would really get him to trust me again!"


----------



## Robert22205

Talk to your attorney about a court order to keep her away from you and your sister.

Your wife is raging out of control, physically aggressive - and you should be scared of her.

What kind of property search are you talking about? Are you saying he searched the local property tax records? How did he know your wife's married name? 

Unfortunately, you still don't have answers about the OM to determine what was going on between them. Under the circumstances (catching him at your home), in order to rebuild your trust, you have a right to know everything about the OM - including whether she was encouraging him. 

And if he's married, you get to decide whether to notify his wife he's stalking X girlfriends. 

The OM will probably move on her since she's pregnant. But he's bold and may try again in a couple of years. Therefore, you need to know who this guy is so you can recognize him sniffing around. 

Check the previous posts, you need to know a lot more about the OM than just 'how' he found her address.

Even assuming their was no sex, your wife still acts like she has something to hide. Is she protecting the OM because he's married? Is there any chance that he's an X husband or an X-con?

Here's why I think she's hiding something about the OM:

1 - At any time during the last few weeks she could have sat down and answered your questions about the OM, instead at every step she chose to be combative, aggressive - and tried to have you committed.

2 - Instead of answering your questions about the OM, she instead beat your sister. Not just a stupid act but inexcusably violent under any circumstances. 

3 - And beating your sister, destroyed your family harmony forever.


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## Lance Mannion

RandomDude said:


> You need to remember that all this is your wife's responsibility *protecting the other man* rather than her own husband. She could have easily avoided such a sh-t show but she decided to let things escalate and revealed her true colors by *threatening to have you* *committed *as well as *assaulting your sister*. Those three things, bolded, are enough for me to carry on the divorce, regardless of whether or not she had a physical affair - if she was my wife she would have committed infidelity already by breaching my trust even if she didn't do the deed.
> 
> Remember - judging by your wife's behavior and lack of transparency throughout this mess it is very likely you only know the tip of the iceberg:
> 
> View attachment 73109
> 
> 
> However, all this is salvageable, but she needs to accept responsibility for all of this. I don't think you overreacted at all in fact I reckon you underreacted considering the circumstances. Hopefully by her arrest she should learn that there are consequences to her actions. If I was you, I would stay true to my decision with divorce but leave some room for reconciliation if she decides to finally acknowledge her part in all this mess. If she doesn't, there's nothing you can do - wash your hands clean of that and go in with a clear conscience because she would be the one driving a dagger through the marriage by her refusal.


Lots of people make stupid decisions. Lots. Most of the stories we read in CWI feature stupid decisions from both the BS and the WS. The pick me dance, the begging from the BS and then then "I liked the attention" and "He's just a friend" from the WS.

This wife made a massively stupid decision with her secrecy, but I don't believe that it was motivated by a desire to protect the OM, I find it far more plausible that she did it to protect her husband, in some misguided way. Maybe the OP has a history of jumping to unwarranted conclusions or misreading social events, as a person with Aspergers.


----------



## Lance Mannion

Diana7 said:


> The main reason why he thought there was something going on was that she point blank refused to tell him what the OM was doing there and who he was. If it was all innocent then she would have told him straight away. No need to keep secrets if it happened as she now says.
> As for the attack, even if you dont get on, there is never any need to use violence against someone unless you are being violently attacked first.


That's from a Diana7 standard of behavior. Not everyone is like you. Don't get me wrong, I think your perspective is sound and is a good standard of expected behavior, I just don't think that everyone is that rational. I think she made a bad decision based on some factors we're probably not privy to, likely dealing with her husband's Asperger's diagnosis.


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## Evinrude58

I don’t know what to think anymore. Hope your noodle is ok OP.
Do what you think is best.


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## BlueWoman

Diana7 said:


> He found the man coming out of their house, how was refusing to tell him who he was or what he was doing there going to help him react better? People who have nothing to hide tell the truth.


Oh no. I agree. It was crappy and stupid. She doesn't make good decisions for sure. But there is enough to the story to make me question whether she was actually cheating.


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## Divinely Favored

BlueWoman said:


> Oh no. I agree. It was crappy and stupid. She doesn't make good decisions for sure. But there is enough to the story to make me question whether she was actually cheating.


And her arrogant ass to tell him he cant make it without her.


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## ABHale

The problem is she refused to tell OP who the OM was on several occasions knowing it was making the situation worse. She set up then refused to take the first polygraph. All of her actions screamed she was hiding something wrong with the OM.


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## jin

It's pretty rare someone would be posting on here suspicious of their partner and theres nothing.

Whether she is cheating or not may not matter. She threatened to have you put away forcibly in a mental institution. She didn't come clean right away. She harasses you, your family and your work colleagues.

Based on your posts she seems mentally unstable not you.


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## Wolfman1968

BlueWoman said:


> Oh no. I agree. It was crappy and stupid. She doesn't make good decisions for sure. But there is enough to the story to make me question whether she was actually cheating.


Yes, but it was more than just crappy and stupid. It says a lot about how little she values him as a spouse, that she would lie and hid things from him. It says a lot about the relationship that she was willing to protect the other man, regardless or whether a physical affair took place, rather than be honest with her husband, the person she is supposed to love and value above all else. It says a lot about the relationship and her appropriateness as a life partner that she became belligerent and confrontational to him over one of the most critical issues in the marriage, even though she was clearly in the wrong. It says a lot that she hasn't REALLY been remorseful, at least to the level that other posters accept as true remorse. 

That's why I said in an earlier post that a polygraph would be irrelevant for me. She already failed the test of being a true loving spouse by these behaviors. Physical cheating is not the the only way to "disqualify" someone as a spouse. 

Often, it is only under times of duress and strain that a person's true nature becomes apparent. I'd say she failed this test. 

And while it may or may not strictly be true that the OP's wife cheated, I have some concerns about you and others who focus too much on this doubt about cheating. Because by focusing too much on the "did she or did she not really physically cheat" question, you may make the OP second guess himself. When really, the OP should focus on the entire untrustworthy, unsupportive and emotionally unfaithful behavior she exhibited toward the person who should be most important to her. Focusing too much on the "maybe physically cheating really didn't occur" question ignores and sidelines the important point that it is IRRELEVANT whether she physically cheated or not because her behavior still makes her a disloyal and selfish spouse, who is unfit to be a life partner for the OP. 

Say the course, OP. Don't second guess yourself.


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## RandomDude

Lance Mannion said:


> Lots of people make stupid decisions. Lots. Most of the stories we read in CWI feature stupid decisions from both the BS and the WS. The pick me dance, the begging from the BS and then then "I liked the attention" and "He's just a friend" from the WS.
> 
> This wife made a massively stupid decision with her secrecy, but I don't believe that it was motivated by a desire to protect the OM, I find it far more plausible that she did it to protect her husband, in some misguided way. Maybe the OP has a history of jumping to unwarranted conclusions or misreading social events, as a person with Aspergers.


So *threatening to have him committed* as well as *beating up his sister* is also an act of protecting him? 

I can see your perspective and sure there is a possibility she can indeed be simply thrice stupid, but even if that is the case its really no excuse for her not to take any responsibility for such.

What she did, any sane person who loved their partner would be blowing up, not just someone with aspergers. Yet it's her going nutter while OP is being calm even trying not to escalate things considering what the hell has been happening.

She needs to own up, even if OP and his sister decide to ultimately forgive her "I betrayed you, threatened you, and beat up your sister to protect you" simply isn't an excuse. Not to mention all three acts is proof of where she stands when it comes to who she thinks is responsible for this, she sure doesn't think its her!


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## Lance Mannion

RandomDude said:


> So *threatening to have him committed* as well as *beating up his sister* is also an act of protecting him?
> 
> I can see your perspective and sure there is a possibility she can indeed be simply thrice stupid, but even if that is the case its really no excuse for her not to take any responsibility for such.
> 
> What she did, any sane person who loved their partner would be blowing up, not just someone with aspergers. Yet it's her going nutter while OP is being calm even trying not to escalate things considering what the hell has been happening.
> 
> She needs to own up, even if OP and his sister decide to ultimately forgive her "I betrayed you, threatened you, and beat up your sister to protect you" simply isn't an excuse.


In most of the testimonials presented here the story details and supporting evidence, while not always rock solid, gives enough information to the reader to help open the eyes of the OP to what is likely going on. What's going on in this case strikes me as different. OP suffers from Aspergers, anxiety and depression. I suspect that this wife has modified her own behavior in order to find a way of living with him. Again, this is what I'm bringing to the story, my own bias. What I see a lot of other commenters doing is bringing their own bias - what they've seen play out in hundreds of other marriages blowing apart due to infidelity. We don't actually KNOW that there is infidelity here. All I see is bad decision making on every one's part, including the damn sister - it's not really her place to be an active spoiler of her brother's marriage because the sister doesn't approve of his bride. If this story had a slightly different narrative, all of the advice would be focused on cutting out the toxic sister who is not a friend of the marriage. In this story, her attitude warrants no remarks because her attitude is seen as supporting the "dump the wife" bias.

I see a plausible explanation for the wife's behavior, but without any prior information on the dynamic in their marriage, I have no idea how to assign a probability to that explanation. I suspect that the probability is above zero though, quite a bit above zero. If the wife suspects that the sister is manipulating her brother to throw away the marriage, then getting the brother away from the toxic influence of the sister via committal would be a plausible plan. 

Maybe the wife is manipulative and evil and the commitment issue was an unjustified power play on her part. Could be. But maybe not. Again, the Aspergers, anxiety and depression combo lend credence to the supposition that everything in that marriage and this story is not typical.


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## RandomDude

Lance Mannion said:


> In most of the testimonials presented here the story details and supporting evidence, while not always rock solid, gives enough information to the reader to help open the eyes of the OP to what is likely going on. What's going on in this case strikes me as different. OP suffers from Aspergers, anxiety and depression. I suspect that this wife has modified her own behavior in order to find a way of living with him. Again, this is what I'm bringing to the story, my own bias. What I see a lot of other commenters doing is bringing their own bias - what they've seen play out in hundreds of other marriages blowing apart due to infidelity. We don't actually KNOW that there is infidelity here. All I see is bad decision making on every one's part, including the damn sister - it's not really her place to be an active spoiler of her brother's marriage because the sister doesn't approve of his bride. If this story had a slightly different narrative, all of the advice would be focused on cutting out the toxic sister who is not a friend of the marriage. In this story, her attitude warrants no remarks because her attitude is seen as supporting the "dump the wife" bias.
> 
> I see a plausible explanation for the wife's behavior, but without any prior information on the dynamic in their marriage, I have no idea how to assign a probability to that explanation. I suspect that the probability is above zero though, quite a bit above zero. If the wife suspects that the sister is manipulating her brother to throw away the marriage, then getting the brother away from the toxic influence of the sister via committal would be a plausible plan.
> 
> Maybe the wife is manipulative and evil and the commitment issue was an unjustified power play on her part. Could be. But maybe not. Again, the Aspergers, anxiety and depression combo lend credence to the supposition that everything in that marriage and this story is not typical.


Motivation aside, there's still no excuse. Unless we live in a world where I can kill someone and tell people I'm innocent because I'm trying to protect them. 

Which, well, we don't


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## Andy1001

If the op had been five minutes later coming home that day he would have known nothing about his wife’s behavior with the other man. Judging by her behavior after the fact I wonder what would have happened had she continued to meet her ex boyfriend. 
Would the op find himself accused of all sorts of negative behavior and would his wife have had him committed “for his own good”.
If I returned to my house and found a strange man with my wife she better have a damn good explanation for why he was there. Anything else would not be acceptable.


----------



## Divinely Favored

Andy1001 said:


> If the op had been five minutes later coming home that day he would have known nothing about his wife’s behavior with the other man. Judging by her behavior after the fact I wonder what would have happened had she continued to meet her ex boyfriend.
> Would the op find himself accused of all sorts of negative behavior and would his wife have had him committed “for his own good”.
> If I returned to my house and found a strange man with my wife she better have a damn good explanation for why he was there. Anything else would not be acceptable.


He better not be IN the house and the explaination immediately forthcoming.


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## nypsychnurse

@Diana7 & @ABHale 
1st time- boyfriend showed up 2 years after break up...I wasn't in a relationship so no harm to anyone.
2nd time- xfwb showed up drunk @2am 2 years after our last rendesvous. ..I was in a relationship and my boyfriend was there with me...as you can probably imagine, it did not go over well...however I did tell my bf the truth, and although @ first he did not believe me...eventually he let it go.
3rd time was many years later- xbf showed up to bring his dog that lived with us for a visit about 6 mos after we broke up...I had just started dating someone, who came over later that evening...I mentioned that my ex showed up and he went crazy...left my house promptly...obviously it triggered something in him to overreact that way...we were not even in an intimate relationship...just a handful of dates at that point.

I respectfully agree with @Lance Mannion...each of us acts and reacts based on our past experiences...and we all at least occasionally make bad decisions...



Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks

I think some people are woefully uninformed on Aspergers syndrome in adults. The OP's wife seems to suffer from problems that have nothing to do with being married to the OP. Using that as an excuse for her behavior is appalling and victim blaming.


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## Diana7

nypsychnurse said:


> @Diana7 & @ABHale
> 1st time- boyfriend showed up 2 years after break up...I wasn't in a relationship so no harm to anyone.
> 2nd time- xfwb showed up drunk @2am 2 years after our last rendesvous. ..I was in a relationship and my boyfriend was there with me...as you can probably imagine, it did not go over well...however I did tell my bf the truth, and although @ first he did not believe me...eventually he let it go.
> 3rd time was many years later- xbf showed up to bring his dog that lived with us for a visit about 6 mos after we broke up...I had just started dating someone, who came over later that evening...I mentioned that my ex showed up and he went crazy...left my house promptly...obviously it triggered something in him to overreact that way...we were not even in an intimate relationship...just a handful of dates at that point.
> 
> I respectfully agree with @Lance Mannion...each of us acts and reacts based on our past experiences...and we all at least occasionally make bad decisions...
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


In a marriage though there should be no secrets, and if the husband actually meets a man coming out of the house to refuse to tell them who it is and what they were doing is just madness and will of course make the spouse think the worst.


----------



## RandomDude

Blondilocks said:


> I think some people are woefully uninformed on Aspergers syndrome in adults. The OP's wife seems to suffer from problems that have nothing to do with being married to the OP. *Using that as an excuse for her behavior is appalling and victim blaming.*


Yup, and I think OP has enough problems blaming himself for this when none of it has been his fault.


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## ABHale

nypsychnurse said:


> @Diana7 & @ABHale
> 1st time- boyfriend showed up 2 years after break up...I wasn't in a relationship so no harm to anyone.
> 2nd time- xfwb showed up drunk @2am 2 years after our last rendesvous. ..I was in a relationship and my boyfriend was there with me...as you can probably imagine, it did not go over well...however I did tell my bf the truth, and although @ first he did not believe me...eventually he let it go.
> 3rd time was many years later- xbf showed up to bring his dog that lived with us for a visit about 6 mos after we broke up...I had just started dating someone, who came over later that evening...I mentioned that my ex showed up and he went crazy...left my house promptly...obviously it triggered something in him to overreact that way...we were not even in an intimate relationship...just a handful of dates at that point.
> 
> I respectfully agree with @Lance Mannion...each of us acts and reacts based on our past experiences...and we all at least occasionally make bad decisions...
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


We are just missing the point each are trying to make.

You told your new boyfriend about what happened. His problem that he didn’t react well.

OP’s wife refused to tell OP who the OM was. Even though it was destroying the relationship.

You did nothing wrong in your situation.

Later


----------



## oldshirt

This is a case where it would be nice to hear from an objective 3rd party that is aware of the situation to corroborate the OP’s testimony.

As he has been diagnosed with some kind of mass on his brain on top of some preexisting mental issues, who knows what’s actually going on.


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## RandomDude

oldshirt said:


> This is a case where it would be nice to hear from an objective 3rd party that is aware of the situation to corroborate the OP’s testimony.
> 
> As he has been diagnosed with some kind of mass on his brain on top of some preexisting mental issues, who knows what’s actually going on.


Having a guy walk out of your family home and not telling your partner who he is for a month driving him to divorce is enough to make any man, mental issues or not - mental.


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## oldshirt

RandomDude said:


> Having a guy walk out of your family home and not telling your partner who he is for a month driving him to divorce is enough to make any man, mental issues or not - mental.


That is true. 

But for someone with a brain tumor, That could have just been the neighbor mowing the lawn. 

That’s why it would be nice to get input from an objective 3rd party.


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## Blondilocks

oldshirt said:


> That is true.
> 
> But for someone with a brain tumor, That could have just been the neighbor mowing the lawn.
> 
> *That’s why it would be nice to get input from an objective 3rd party.*


You can wish in one hand and **** in the other and see which one fills up faster. This is what we have to work with so we have to dance with who brung us.


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## Evinrude58

He wasn’t “a guy” walking out of his HOME.
He became suspicious and coincidentally IT WAS HER EX. The guy wasn’t mentally compromised. Sounds like his thinking was perfectly normal and distinctly accurate.

then his wife chooses to be secretive and ACT CRAZY. She gaslighted him totally.

yes, he has problems. One of them is his crazy wife.


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## MattMatt

Asperger's Syndrome is not a mental illness.

Incidentally @WonderingGuy25 here is a way someone might be able to 'beat' a lie detector by telling the literal truth. for example:-
1) Did you arrange to meet Mr X?
No, I did not. (_Mr X made the arrangements)_
2) Did you have sexual intercourse with Mr X?
No, I did not. (_Blow jobs & masturbation don't count as sexual intercourse, do they?)_
3) Have you cheated on your husband?
No, I have not. (_I am not 'in love' with Mr X, so that doesn't count as cheating right?) _


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## manfromlamancha

OP, I am going to put another viewpoint here and lets see if it is a feasible one.

Let's just say for starters that you have demonstrated some signs of instability during your marriage and your wife knows this. Lets just say that this ex-boyfriend of hers just shows up and she is terrified of how you might react to him being there, so she tries to brush it off by saying it was nothing and doesn't give you his name etc. You then persevere in trying to prove that she has had an affair when she has not. She gets (understandably) upset with you and your sister who seems to be blindly backing you. You then not only spout off about her cheating but ask her to kill the unborn baby. This would drive me bonkers if I was her and I would have you committed so fast, it would make your head spin. Furthermore, she passes a poly and the ex-bf tells you how he found your address. In the meantime you exhibit further signs of instability that almost results in you killing yourself and possibly others too! At this point, if I were your wife, I would not only want you committed but possibly out of her and the baby's life too.

This is almost like a Hitchcock movie, or something out of the Twilight Zone. You seem to be trapped inside this not knowing truth from reality. I am not saying that this is the case but others are advising you to get yourself well, healthy and stable first before doing anything further. And I have got to say that some of the TAM family here are egging you on. And you are not in a position to decide what advice to take.

Please consider what I have written here and maybe give your wife and yourself a break. She is under enough stress as it is - as are you!


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## nypsychnurse

manfromlamancha said:


> OP, I am going to put another viewpoint here and lets see if it is a feasible one.
> 
> Let's just say for starters that you have demonstrated some signs of instability during your marriage and your wife knows this. Lets just say that this ex-boyfriend of hers just shows up and she is terrified of how you might react to him being there, so she tries to brush it off by saying it was nothing and doesn't give you his name etc. You then persevere in trying to prove that she has had an affair when she has not. She gets (understandably) upset with you and your sister who seems to be blindly backing you. You then not only spout off about her cheating but ask her to kill the unborn baby. This would drive me bonkers if I was her and I would have you committed so fast, it would make your head spin. Furthermore, she passes a poly and the ex-bf tells you how he found your address. In the meantime you exhibit further signs of instability that almost results in you killing yourself and possibly others too! At this point, if I were your wife, I would not only want you committed but possibly out of her and the baby's life too.
> 
> This is almost like a Hitchcock movie, or something out of the Twilight Zone. You seem to be trapped inside this not knowing truth from reality. I am not saying that this is the case but others are advising you to get yourself well, healthy and stable first before doing anything further. And I have got to say that some of the TAM family here are egging you on. And you are not in a position to decide what advice to take.
> 
> Please consider what I have written here and maybe give your wife and yourself a break. She is under enough stress as it is - as are you!


Agreed

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## aine

I have read all of this thread and a few things strike me as odd:

1. Your wife passing the poly
2. Your volatility is very plain to see. Wonder if you have been overreacting. Your wife knows you the best. You say you are scared of her, maybe she is scared of you?
3. She passed a poly but that guy was her ex bf (not cool at all) at your house.
4. You both seem very very highly strung and immature, how old are you both?
5. Leaving aside your Asperger's, would a brain mass have had some impact on your cognitive abilities and reactions?
6. Your wife may have downplayed everything cause she knows how you would react, you seem to be an all or nothing kind of person. Your postings have vacillating between wanting her to disappear, you hate her, you love her, get an abortion, you still love her and hope the baby is yours, etc.
7. In no way am I saying that what your wife did was right. If the poly is accurate she has poor boundaries. If the exbf turned up univited she still did not have to let him into the house (assuming he was in the house?). She also sounds abusive, hitting your sister, that is away out if line, though I am beginning to wonder is screaming, shouting, threatening and hitting the ways you guys (and FOO) resolve arguments, sounds like it.
You both really need to take time out and away from each other. The situation is too highly charged, escalated by you all, causing you to crash, your wife in prison. Your wife seems as irrational and volatile as you. Yes you have filed for divorce, but that can be put on hold. 
There is a need (esp from your wife) for radical honesty, perhaps with a therapist/counsellor with you both, listening, having some compassion for one another and to stop the destructive behaviors from you both. 
As for you, you have built your wife up on a pedestal, which is never a wise thing to do, that is part of the problem. Your wife worship leads to her disrespect.

You both sound like you need someone older and wiser to sit your down and bang your heads together first. The level of anger exhibited by you both is destructive and lashing out does not help either of you. You both need to grow up. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to handle this like adults, not two impetuous angry children.


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## Tron

aine said:


> ...
> 
> You both sound like you need someone older and wiser to sit your down and bang your heads together first. The level of anger exhibited by you both is destructive and lashing out does not help either of you. You both need to grow up. If you are old enough to be married, you are old enough to handle this like adults, not two impetuous angry children who are about to have children.


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## WonderingGuy25

I honestly do not understand how this is being turned into my fault, I didn't lie and or cheat, Which I am feeling like She didn't all along at this point. Honestly, We both ****ed up and Now I am gonna try and fix it if I can at all. Honestly, I don't have enough evidence that they in fact even cheated or did anything like that and it is all circumstantial, Yeah she messed up by not just being straight up with me and honest but we all make mistakes and I have made my fair share now. I can't do whatever this is whatever I am going through alone I need my wife and she is pregnant and we both just need each other. I reacted just too fast I feel, I am gonna try and fix this marriage and no divorce her. Gonna try and sit down with her and talk things through. Hopefully, she is willing and things haven't progressed too far and too badly. I don't know what else to do if I am being honest, Because if my health is going down the drain and this is serious to be blunt I don't want to die alone. And all siding with my sister has done has caused more issues than it has solved. Haven't really told or explained this to her or reached out to my wife yet to try and start mending but hopefully, she is willing and this can be fixed/mended.


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## Mr.Married

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I honestly do not understand how this is being turned into my fault, I didn't lie and or cheat, Which I am feeling like She didn't all along at this point. Honestly, We both ****ed up and Now I am gonna try and fix it if I can at all. Honestly, I don't have enough evidence that they in fact even cheated or did anything like that and it is all circumstantial, Yeah she messed up by not just being straight up with me and honest but we all make mistakes and I have made my fair share now. I can't do whatever this is whatever I am going through alone I need my wife and she is pregnant and we both just need each other. I reacted just too fast I feel, I am gonna try and fix this marriage and no divorce her. Gonna try and sit down with her and talk things through. Hopefully, she is willing and things haven't progressed too far and too badly. I don't know what else to do if I am being honest, Because if my health is going down the drain and this is serious to be blunt I don't want to die alone. And all siding with my sister has done has caused more issues than it has solved. Haven't really told or explained this to her or reached out to my wife yet to try and start mending but hopefully, she is willing and this can be fixed/mended.


you know..... I think your asp Berger’s will be a help in this situation. Your putting the drama aside based on some ........ uuuummm...... logic ??

I don’t know ....... good luck. I think you will find yourself screwed over in the long run... hopefully I’m wrong.


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## Harold Demure

OP, it’s your life and you should be able to do what you think is right for you.

This forum has provided a good source of help, support and advice but there comes a time when it runs its course and it is time to leave. 

OP’s health is a real game changer and he deserves This forum’s support now more than ever on any decision he makes.


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## Diana7

I hope things work out for you and that the brain mass is benign. I also hope that your wife will start to be honest with you about what happened, and appologise for wanting to have you committed and beating up your sister.


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## Marc878

You only need enough proof to satisfy yourself. This isn’t a court of law where you must have iron clad proof. I doubt they were playing checkers or watching TV.

As for *you* trying to fix this it‘ll never happen. She’d have to do that. Cheaters lie a lot so don’t be surprised if that’s all you get. No truth = zero chance of reconciliation.

You seem to be heading down the path many follow. You’ll probably wake up much later and wish you had‘nt.

it would be in your best interest to wake up to reapity.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> *I honestly do not understand how this is being turned into my fault*, I didn't lie and or cheat, Which I am feeling like She didn't all along at this point. Honestly, We both ****ed up and Now I am gonna try and fix it if I can at all. Honestly, I don't have enough evidence that they in fact even cheated or did anything like that and it is all circumstantial


It's not.



> Yeah she messed up by not just being straight up with me and honest but *we all make mistakes and I have made my fair share now*. I can't do whatever this is whatever I am going through alone I need my wife and she is pregnant and we both just need each other.


I disagree, she needs to accept full responsibility for this mess. Cause and effect, you would never have reacted the way you did if it wasn't for her.



> I reacted just too fast I feel


No you did not. Your reaction was rather calm considering the circumstances.



> I am gonna try and fix this marriage and no divorce her. Gonna try and sit down with her and talk things through. Hopefully, she is willing and things haven't progressed too far and too badly. I don't know what else to do if I am being honest, Because if my health is going down the drain and this is serious to be blunt I don't want to die alone.


As I mentioned it is still salvageable but you need to establish some serious ground rules and transparency. No more hiding and protecting other men from you.



> And all siding with my sister has done has caused more issues than it has solved. Haven't really told or explained this to her or reached out to my wife yet to try and start mending but hopefully, she is willing and this can be fixed/mended.


Too bad, it's an issue your WIFE has to fix. You and your sister did nothing wrong and your wife needs to accept the consequences of her actions.


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## Wolfman1968

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I honestly do not understand how this is being turned into my fault, I didn't lie and or cheat, Which I am feeling like She didn't all along at this point. Honestly, We both ****ed up and Now I am gonna try and fix it if I can at all. Honestly, I don't have enough evidence that they in fact even cheated or did anything like that and it is all circumstantial, Yeah she messed up by not just being straight up with me and honest but we all make mistakes and I have made my fair share now. I can't do whatever this is whatever I am going through alone I need my wife and she is pregnant and we both just need each other. I reacted just too fast I feel, I am gonna try and fix this marriage and no divorce her. Gonna try and sit down with her and talk things through. Hopefully, she is willing and things haven't progressed too far and too badly. I don't know what else to do if I am being honest, Because if my health is going down the drain and this is serious to be blunt I don't want to die alone. And all siding with my sister has done has caused more issues than it has solved. Haven't really told or explained this to her or reached out to my wife yet to try and start mending but hopefully, she is willing and this can be fixed/mended.


It's not your fault. Don't let anyone, including your wife, tell you otherwise.

You reacted to a bad situation in a normal way. Hell, look at the responses people put here; they had her tried on convicted based on the initial description.

Your wife made it worse by lying, denying, covering it up. In my book, it's all on her. 

As I said, the lying, deception, lack of loyalty would be enough to end it for me, regardless of what did or did not happed physically. The first, now ex-, Mrs. Wolfman was such a person--there was no physical infidelity involved, but it became apparently that she did not have the lover, respect, affection and care for me that a spouse should have. She treated me poorly, and never understood her responsibility.

If you are willing to give it another try, you would only succeed if she is able to make YOU the focus of her love, loyalty and respect. It should not even ENTER into her mind any thought of doing anything that would cause you distress or unhappiness. Personally, I'm pessimistic that people are likely to change like that. They can act, but their hearts don't change.

But if you want to make a go of it, that's the change that needs to occur. And she has to agree that is the change that has to occur. That means she needs to OWN not only her poor actions, but the fact that you are not the most important person in her life. Only if she can do this can your relationship succeed.


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## Evinrude58

If I saw a man leaving my home when I was supposed to be at work, I’d ask him who He was and expect a logical answer or I’d be asking questions LATER.

OP you asked your wife and she lied to you.
Either she lied because she was embarrassed or worried you’d divorce her, or she lied because she didn’t have enough respect or trust in you to tell you what really happened. Either scenario is HER fault, not yours.

I pray your health improves. You are going to reconcile, and I wish the best for you.
But what transpired was not your fault.

a strange man who turned out to be an EX LOVER was found leaving your home when you should have been at work, and you were lied to. Don’t ever let anyone gaslight you into thinking you weren’t justified in your response.

you have gotten a bad deal from your wife. She needs to figure out how to make this right with you, not the other way around.


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## WonderingGuy25

I dunno, I just feel like I was in the wrong I don't know. I have been texting my wife and I asked her if there was any chance of repairing this and working things out and she instantly texted me back saying yes and that she has always loved me and just apologizing for everything. Would be nice to have us back together for Christmas. But I did tell her we would have to meet and set out some ground rules and she agreed. So we are gonna meet up Friday night, As much as I love my sister this one is one I am gonna need to do myself and do alone. Definitely following my heart here guys and I just hope it doesn't get me burned. She told me the OM is gone and won't be returning and she swears nothing happened and that I just overreacted but she agreed that hiding it and lying to me about it wasn't the best move and she should have just been honest with me from the very beginning. I feel like I am finally able to get through to her and she is finally responding to me normally I guess is the best word? Just hoping I am not being played and this doesn't bite me in the ass but at the same time feeling pretty guilty for how I reacted and I don't know why.


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## Andy1001

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I dunno, I just feel like I was in the wrong I don't know. I have been texting my wife and I asked her if there was any chance of repairing this and working things out and she instantly texted me back saying yes and that she has always loved me and just apologizing for everything. Would be nice to have us back together for Christmas. But I did tell her we would have to meet and set out some ground rules and she agreed. So we are gonna meet up Friday night, As much as I love my sister this one is one I am gonna need to do myself and do alone. Definitely following my heart here guys and I just hope it doesn't get me burned. She told me the OM is gone and won't be returning and she swears nothing happened and that I just overreacted but she agreed that hiding it and lying to me about it wasn't the best move and she should have just been honest with me from the very beginning. I feel like I am finally able to get through to her and she is finally responding to me normally I guess is the best word? Just hoping I am not being played and this doesn't bite me in the ass but at the same time feeling pretty guilty for how I reacted and I don't know why.


Good luck Buddy, with everything.


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## Divinely Favored

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I dunno, I just feel like I was in the wrong I don't know. I have been texting my wife and I asked her if there was any chance of repairing this and working things out and she instantly texted me back saying yes and that she has always loved me and just apologizing for everything. Would be nice to have us back together for Christmas. But I did tell her we would have to meet and set out some ground rules and she agreed. So we are gonna meet up Friday night, As much as I love my sister this one is one I am gonna need to do myself and do alone. Definitely following my heart here guys and I just hope it doesn't get me burned. She told me the OM is gone and won't be returning and she swears nothing happened and that I just overreacted but she agreed that hiding it and lying to me about it wasn't the best move and she should have just been honest with me from the very beginning. I feel like I am finally able to get through to her and she is finally responding to me normally I guess is the best word? Just hoping I am not being played and this doesn't bite me in the ass but at the same time feeling pretty guilty for how I reacted and I don't know why.


You have nothing to feel guilty for. That FU situation is because of her reaction. Why the hell would she have an ex in your home and then refuse to tell you who it was and why he is there. That is totally F'ed up! No way in hell would i or my wife alliw an ex access to our home. No way they would know where we live with out some detective work on their part.

Seems like she has been at least talking to her ex, for him to just decide to show up. My wife and i neither one communicate with exes, tgey are in our past, not our future. Wife and I damn sure would not remain friends with a past lover, out of respect for each other.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I dunno, I just feel like I was in the wrong I don't know. I have been texting my wife and I asked her if there was any chance of repairing this and working things out and she instantly texted me back saying yes and that she has always loved me and just apologizing for everything. Would be nice to have us back together for Christmas. But I did tell her we would have to meet and *set out some ground rules and she agreed.* So we are gonna meet up Friday night, As much as I love my sister this one is one I am gonna need to do myself and do alone. Definitely following my heart here guys and I just hope it doesn't get me burned. She told me the OM is gone and won't be returning and she swears nothing happened and that I just overreacted but *she agreed that hiding it and lying to me about it wasn't the best move and she should have just been honest with me from the very beginning*. I feel like I am finally able to get through to her and she is finally responding to me normally I guess is the best word? Just hoping I am not being played and this doesn't bite me in the ass but at the same time feeling pretty guilty for how I reacted and I don't know why.


You need to stop punishing yourself for your wife's actions, your reaction to what she pulled is her fault and hers alone, make sure that is stone solid in your head because if it's not - you may fall into the trap of not holding HER accountable for her actions, actions that now she is now actually FINALLY accepting responsibility for. You have a golden opportunity here, so please don't screw it up, because if you are weak you won't fix this as she won't take you seriously. 

Later down the track your wife will have to apologise to your sister as well, but one step at a time. Good luck.


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## syhoybenden

Do what you feel you have to do. Nothing ventured nothing gained I suppose.

I would, however, refer you to an old Russian proverb which gained traction in the West after being used by President Reagan in reference to his stance on dealing with Russia’s Gorbachev and their mutual work towards ending the Cold War.

“Doveryai, no proveryai.” In English …. Trust, but verify.


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## Blondilocks

Perhaps, you and your wife can find a marriage counselor to help you sort out the dynamics of this incident. Why she lied, etc.


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## Robert22205

Under the circumstances (brain tumor and holidays), I understand your reaching out to your wife for support.

It's a tough situation because the issue with the OM is still unresolved. Although you need your wife back in your life in the short term, you also have a longer term need to clear up 'who' the OM is. Don't assume the issue will go away over time.

IMO it's something that is likely to come back years later and haunt you in the form of making you short tempted/resentful (i.e., contaminating your trust, and sabotaging you as a husband and father).

Consider asking her if she had to do this whole thing over (and since she had zero communication with the X prior to you catching him at your house) what she'd do/say differently about the OM.

If she's sincere about being transparent with you, she should voluntarily provide information about the OM.

And answer any questions about the OM and their relationship so that you can make your own determination as to what extent there was an ongoing communication/relationship and whether the OM just knocked on her door one day (the day you caught them together). 

For example, since they had a chance to 'catch up' she should have no hesitation to provide: his name, what he does for a living & where he works, where he lives, and is he married or divorced.


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## WonderingGuy25

I do not know why I even bother, I go out of my way trying to give her another shot thinking This was all my fault and that I just overreacted on her. And she makes me look like an idiot, I dunno why I bothered reaching back out to her just a worthless point. Catch her out at a restaurant with this man after swearing up and down nothing is going on not to mention he had his hands all up on her. Like why bother making it a point to try and meet up and talk **** out and maybe get back together only to pull that crap on me? I am done I am just done not gonna try anymore with her just gonna finish out this divorce and try and beat whatever it Is I have. Getting tested again on Monday and will be told one way or another if it is cancer or not. I guess this is what I get for trying to listen to my heart instead of my head here. Just so frustrated with myself for even thinking it was possible and that I was wrong. And I got played and I am a dumbass and she just can get lost. She is blowing up my phone again swearing up and down it isn't what it looked like and that she can explain but I told her don't bother and just to speak to my lawyer from now on. Sorry for ranting here just really needed to vent after all of this happened and just blew up in my face.


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## Lostinthought61

I am sorry you have been duped again....when someone shows you who they really are believe them. Clearly she has proven she is a cheater and liar.


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## ABHale

It is never wrong to try. Sorry she proved herself to be a cheater. 

Stay strong and hope it is good news on Monday. 

Rant all you need to.


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## Lance Mannion

What a coincidence that you caught them together at a restaurant. Good luck to you. I'm out.


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## Affaircare

@WonderingGuy25 ,

Here's the thing: we have no clue what is going on in her head or why. I mean she may have a bad past we don't know about, or a mental health crisis, or any number of things that we just do not know. Further, we aren't in her head so we would only be speculating what she's thinking or why. 

What we DO know is what YOU are thinking and what YOU are feeling because you are telling us. You were not okay with another man coming out of your marital home, not knowing who he was, and your wife hiding his identity from you (for whatever her reason). You were not okay with her trying to get you committed because you were upset with her behavior. You were not okay with her physically assaulthing your sister. And you are not okay with her now being out at the restaurant with whoever this other male person is and his hands being "all over her." 

Look, you had a car accident and you got some bad medical news. That is what it is. But if you look at your wife's actions, all along you have not been okay with the way she is acting. Her words may say "blahblahblah" but her actions say that she is volatile and abusive toward you. No woman who was truly repentant and wanting to reconcile her marriage (to make it the way I marriage could be) would go out again with the guy who created all the trouble in the first place. And NO FREAKING WAY, she'd let him touch her in any kind of way without an instant slap to the face (or, to avoid an assault charge, a HARD NO shut down in no uncertain terms)!

So it is alright for you to think what you think and feel how you feel. Yes, it is beyond sad. It is painful. And it is reasonable for you to not accept her actions. You can do that. You can set the boundaries that work for you. You aren't being controlling--you are taking control of YOU.


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## syhoybenden

Well at least now you know for sure.

As for all of her words now, well ....... Lying liars lie.

May be time to move this to the Coping With Infidelity forum.


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## Diana7

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I do not know why I even bother, I go out of my way trying to give her another shot thinking This was all my fault and that I just overreacted on her. And she makes me look like an idiot, I dunno why I bothered reaching back out to her just a worthless point. Catch her out at a restaurant with this man after swearing up and down nothing is going on not to mention he had his hands all up on her. Like why bother making it a point to try and meet up and talk **** out and maybe get back together only to pull that crap on me? I am done I am just done not gonna try anymore with her just gonna finish out this divorce and try and beat whatever it Is I have. Getting tested again on Monday and will be told one way or another if it is cancer or not. I guess this is what I get for trying to listen to my heart instead of my head here. Just so frustrated with myself for even thinking it was possible and that I was wrong. And I got played and I am a dumbass and she just can get lost. She is blowing up my phone again swearing up and down it isn't what it looked like and that she can explain but I told her don't bother and just to speak to my lawyer from now on. Sorry for ranting here just really needed to vent after all of this happened and just blew up in my face.


Good grief, you couldnt make it up could you, yet she has the cheek to STILL be trying to tell you that it wasnt what it looked like just like she did the first time. Sadly many of us here thought that something was going on, which is why she lied and deceived you all along. May be best to block her number. 
I hope and pray for good news Monday. You will probably need an op either way but if its benign it cant spread which is good.


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## Robert22205

So much for her words that the OM was gone forever. Or that they just reconnected out of the blue (and there was no current relationship). 

You are not alone. We've all been made fools of by trusting a loved one.

Now you know why she's stone walled you over revealing anything about the OM. If you knew the details about the OM, you'd be able to figure out she lied. Perhaps he's not an X - but someone current. 

Now you know for sure that you didn't over react. she is not a safe life partner. 

Detaching emotionally from someone we love is a 'process' with many roller coaster ups and downs. Focus on the goal which is to protect yourself from an abusive person - by divorce.

Did you ever find out his name, what he does for a living, and if he's married?

IMO you need to learn as much as you can because at the moment (without a name etc) he's just a phantom. Without details about the OM, your wife will insist he's 'gone forever' or you're crazy. His name and details about him makes him real. Also, he may have an arrest record.

Anyone in your wife's life will be in your child's life. Consider hiring a PI.

Finally, in order to protect yourself from further abuse:

1 - regardless of the polygraph results, have you attorney arrange for a DNA test.
2 - stop all contact, including emails/texts.


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## shortbus

I'm not glad this happened, but I'm certainly glad it knocked you off the fence. Sure is a terrible place for a seat.
Good luck going forward.


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## syhoybenden

Robert22205 said:


> Without details about the OM, your wife will insist he's 'gone forever' or you're crazy. His name and details about him makes him real. Also, he may have an arrest record.
> 
> Anyone in your wife's life will be in your child's life. Consider hiring a PI.



Quoted for emphasis.


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## Evinrude58

You have just had a major car accident and a mass found on your brain, and you’re out eating at restaurants where you coincidentally catch your wife with the other man after coincidentally catching him leaving your home from coming in early from work? Too much drama for me. I’m out too.


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## jlg07

Seriously, boot her ass to the curb. You don't deserve this and you CERTAINLY don't need any of this with the rest of the stuff going on in your life. MAKE SURE you have her get an early DNA test. Start detaching NOW -- talk with a lawyer, get your finances straightened out.

Really sorry this happened.


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## BlueWoman

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I do not know why I even bother, I go out of my way trying to give her another shot thinking This was all my fault and that I just overreacted on her. And she makes me look like an idiot, I dunno why I bothered reaching back out to her just a worthless point. Catch her out at a restaurant with this man after swearing up and down nothing is going on not to mention he had his hands all up on her. Like why bother making it a point to try and meet up and talk **** out and maybe get back together only to pull that crap on me? I am done I am just done not gonna try anymore with her just gonna finish out this divorce and try and beat whatever it Is I have. Getting tested again on Monday and will be told one way or another if it is cancer or not. I guess this is what I get for trying to listen to my heart instead of my head here. Just so frustrated with myself for even thinking it was possible and that I was wrong. And I got played and I am a dumbass and she just can get lost. She is blowing up my phone again swearing up and down it isn't what it looked like and that she can explain but I told her don't bother and just to speak to my lawyer from now on. Sorry for ranting here just really needed to vent after all of this happened and just blew up in my face.


I’m sorry. For your sake, I really wanted this to be a big misunderstanding. But it doesn’t sound like it was.


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## RandomDude

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I do not know why I even bother, I go out of my way trying to give her another shot thinking This was all my fault and that I just overreacted on her. And she makes me look like an idiot, I dunno why I bothered reaching back out to her just a worthless point. Catch her out at a restaurant with this man after swearing up and down nothing is going on not to mention he had his hands all up on her. Like why bother making it a point to try and meet up and talk **** out and maybe get back together only to pull that crap on me?
> 
> I am done I am just done not gonna try anymore with her just gonna finish out this divorce and try and beat whatever it Is I have. Getting tested again on Monday and will be told one way or another if it is cancer or not. I guess this is what I get for trying to listen to my heart instead of my head here. Just so frustrated with myself for even thinking it was possible and that I was wrong. And I got played and I am a dumbass and she just can get lost. She is blowing up my phone again swearing up and down it isn't what it looked like and that she can explain but I told her don't bother and just to speak to my lawyer from now on. Sorry for ranting here just really needed to vent after all of this happened and just blew up in my face.


Whelp, looks like she burned her last branch.

You have given it everything you've got, including the very last branch, know this now *without any doubt*, and move on with a clear mind.
As suspected she duped the polygraph, that's how sinister she truly is, as only the most remorseless liars can do that. 

I wish you the best of luck, and... congratulations - you have saved yourself many years of further deceit by catching them (again) so soon. Take care of yourself.


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## nypsychnurse

I also hoped this was a misunderstanding, an overreaction, a bit of poor judgement...but alas...now you know the truth, beyond the shadow of a doubt...run, run, as fast as you can

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## RandomDude

Gotta admire the amount of fail here though, wife dodges a bullet only to later put a gun to her head and pull the trigger 🤦‍♂️ 

Honestly @WonderingGuy25 , if there is a higher power they are definitely looking out for you, because the person who dodged two bullets in the end - is you.


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## Divinely Favored

How are you doing?


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## georgel316000

It's been a while. I hope you are doing ok.


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## FileOrReconcile

@WonderingGuy25, it's been a whole year. How are you? Hope you're in a good place now, new work, new woman, new life. Did you ever get the DNA test? And no, you were never a fool. We all hate getting scammed out of our money for eg., but you were manipulated by someone you're supposed to trust. Don't feel bad.


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## Djani1979

I realy hope that this guy is still alive. Wow,what a bad situation. The cheating wife is his smallest problem. If he has a brain tumor.... Well,im sending you a hug my good man,and Im wishing that that wasnt tumor and that you are ok. Woman came and go,she cheated,you divorce her and life goes on. Your health is the most important thing,and Im hoping that you are ok.


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## Jimhardc

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I really wanna set her down and have an actual conversation about all of this and see if I can get any answers. I know it might be a waste of time but I really do need some answers. Because what if she isn't cheating and I am just throwing it all away. Hard not to have doubts at this stage. Hard not to question things like this when you love this person and you thought they've you too but now you think it is a lie.


. 
The problem here is if she wasn’t cheating or at the very least doing something she knows you would never approve o. Otherwise she would be bending over trying to make sure you believe her and that you absolutely have no possible way to have any second thoughts about any of this. You would have phones laptops iPads and every password fromher that she has ever used PERIOD


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## uwe.blab

WonderingGuy25 said:


> I do not know why I even bother, I go out of my way trying to give her another shot thinking This was all my fault and that I just overreacted on her. And she makes me look like an idiot, I dunno why I bothered reaching back out to her just a worthless point. Catch her out at a restaurant with this man after swearing up and down nothing is going on not to mention he had his hands all up on her. Like why bother making it a point to try and meet up and talk **** out and maybe get back together only to pull that crap on me? I am done I am just done not gonna try anymore with her just gonna finish out this divorce and try and beat whatever it Is I have. Getting tested again on Monday and will be told one way or another if it is cancer or not. I guess this is what I get for trying to listen to my heart instead of my head here. Just so frustrated with myself for even thinking it was possible and that I was wrong. And I got played and I am a dumbass and she just can get lost. She is blowing up my phone again swearing up and down it isn't what it looked like and that she can explain but I told her don't bother and just to speak to my lawyer from now on. Sorry for ranting here just really needed to vent after all of this happened and just blew up in my face.


Wait, what? You went out to a restaurant and your wife was there with her ex-BF? Bizarre.


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## ShatteredKat

Anyone know anything about OP? Seems he disappeared? My concern is he can't seem to keep his thought organized.
He has some kind of "wife" problem and he also has some kind of "health" problem which appears to cause to much self reflection and inability to stick to facts and follow up on actions needed to resolve.

Also wondering why he wimped out on IMMEDIATELY finding out who he "met" coming out of his house.
That one is totally unacceptable - his wife not willing and purposefully hiding the reason for visit and ID of said person.


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## EleGirl

ShatteredKat said:


> Anyone know anything about OP? Seems he disappeared? My concern is he can't seem to keep his thought organized.
> He has some kind of "wife" problem and he also has some kind of "health" problem which appears to cause to much self reflection and inability to stick to facts and follow up on actions needed to resolve.
> 
> Also wondering why he wimped out on IMMEDIATELY finding out who he "met" coming out of his house.
> That one is totally unacceptable - his wife not willing and purposefully hiding the reason for visit and ID of said person.


He's been off TAM for almost 2 years.


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