# How to rebuild the fire



## HappyandInLove (Oct 13, 2011)

I am wondering if anyone has any advice for how to give our sex life a fresh start? 
When dh and I were first married we had a decent sex life but due to both of us working a lot of shift work we had good weeks and not so great weeks as far as frequency. Then I began to have a lot of pain during and after PIV it was horrible (ending with me in tears on more than one occasion). I saw a dr about this and she offered no explanation other than use lube (which we did it was no help). I would have to go and have a bath or cool shower after intercourse because I was in so much pain. Dh likes to have intimate times at night only (I think we have only ever did one in the morning in 8 years). So since I would have to have a shower after intercourse often times I would not be interested in being intimate late at night because in would need to have a bath after and even then I would not be able to fall asleep afterwards because I was in so much pain. I felt horrible about it but I really was hurting. That seemed to be the kick off to our downward spiral....
When trying for a baby I learned that it was my birth control that was causing me the issues and I have not gone back and no longer have the pain issue. While pregnant I was exhausted and DH's desire to Dtd at night just didn't jive with my nightly exhaustion levels we still Dtd but not with much regularity. Now that our baby is one year old we seem to have drifted so far away from an ideal sex life it's hard to imagine how we will ever get it back. I feel so stuck... Every time there is an evening that we don't have anything going on he makes plans with a friend or goes on and on about how excited he is to do something that only he enjoys (playing video games etc) after the baby goes to bed and then a whole evening passes without so much as a touch. There always seems to be a barrier to any sort of intimacy. 

I feel like since it was my fault that our sex life went down the drain it should be me to take the first steps to fix it... I just don't know how. I am very non confrontational so bringing up something that could start an argument makes me very nervous!!! Any suggestions as to how to re-ignite the fire would be very much appreciated!


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Well the best way to start is to communicate... your going to have to talk to that fella of yours about wanting to jump start that sex life. My guess is he will be willing to try... he may be a little resentful at first, but I imagine he also realizes you were in a lot of pain and he will try to work with you. I would start by sitting down with him, just the two of you when you have plenty of time to talk uninterrupted and talk about wanting to build a intimate relationship with him again.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Yes, everything you said here he needs to know. If he does not respond in an appropriate manor than he has some other problem.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

A lot of your story resonated with me.

One way could be for you to write a letter to your husband. Explain to him how you feel and the way you perceived your current problem to come about. Then let him know you want to change and have a better intimate life with him. Maybe ask him what you could be doing better? Give him a blank check in bed, with suggestions like wearing sexy undies daily that he gets to pick out, or nothing to bed, or whatever. 

If he has lost faith in your marriage (or at least the intimate part) then it could take a while (months) of deliberate sustained effort on your part to win him back. Be patient, he may not respond the first time or wonder what is wrong with you. Just keep showing him in action that you love him. Make appointments to do stuff to him and keep them ("tonight I am going to do X to you"). 

When he plays his video games dress in sexy lingerie and sit next to him while he does it. He will get the picture and stop playing (hopefully). I can relate so much to this because my wife gets so upset when I play on the computer but she doesn't offer any alternatives. She just wants me to sit next to her on the couch while she plays on facebook on her iPad. But she could easily change my desire if she wore my favorite lingerie and offered me an alternative to playing video games.

You are an awesome wife for wanting to work on it. I hope your husband realizes that and you two are happy with each other again soon.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

No guy is going to want to put himself out there after so much chronic rejection.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> No guy is going to want to put himself out there after so much chronic rejection.


X2

He has already found a way to fill that void.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

How to rebuild the fire? New wood.

Joking aside, committed guy has good advice and yes, it could take a while, lots of effort, and gentle persistence. It will take time for him to heal from the rejections and believe that it won't happen again. However, if he can get past that you will both benefit greatly. Good luck!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Send him a text.. I want you to **** my **** tonight after we put the baby to bed. Men are not that complicated.

You rejected him for so long... Just take the lead. And stop dropping hints or "waiting" for something to happen.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Send him a text.. I want you to **** my **** tonight after we put the baby to bed. Men are not that complicated.
> 
> You rejected him for so long... Just take the lead. And stop dropping hints or "waiting" for something to happen.


We are not that complicated.

He may not respond immediately. It may take a while. It's your turn to wake the relationship up. 

High heels and a sexy look 

Texts during the day

Favorite meal

Unexpected BJ

wake up in the middle of night.

Just keep it going....don't give up


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