# How do I get over it?



## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

So I've been with my husband about 6 years now and he got drunk the other night and went to some lady's house and messed around. He says he only kissed her but he was there for 3-4 hrs. And, my husband has a history of lying to me ..porn, drinking ect. so i dont believe everything he says. When he came home I put it on him and he denied it. Then he left me a voicemail the next morning admitting to it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't even look at him when we talk and I don't want him touching me. We have four kids otherwise I wouldn't be here. Any feed back would be appreciated. Thanks


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please start with the newbie link in my signature.

You can never 'get over' being cheated on. You can move past it, but it will always have happened, and it will always hurt.

Now, YOU aren't the one who needs to do much - HE is. What is he doing to prove to you he isn't still lying and cheating?? His life should be an open book right now - you have full access to EVERYthing he does or says. His phone, computer, bank accounts, credit cards, etc. He should be falling all over himself to win you back. He is VERY lucky you didn't throw all his belongings out the door and change the locks.

Also, 'just kissed' is cheatspeak for sex. So go and get STD tested and DO NOT have sex with him any more until he has proven he is clean, and truly remorseful.

Lastly, he'd better quit drinking. Was he at a bar, or what?


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Ya he said he had to go to the bar with a guy from work cuz if he doesn't do things like that it will effect his job


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Bull****. No more bars or booze. Period.

Have you read the newbie link in my signature? Unless your husband does a bunch of stuff, you should prepare to divorce him. PLEASE don't 'stay for the kids'. Your kids want you to be happy, not miserable for their sakes.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

U r right and I know it. I did tell him no more drinking or I'm gone. He agreed, reluctantly of course and yes li made a dr apt but, I should make him do that too.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Clued said:


> Ya he said he had to go to the bar with a guy from work cuz if he doesn't do things like that it will effect his job


Going to a bar with a guy from work does not necessarily translate into DRINKING at that bar with a guy from work. He could have ordered a soda and still participated in the social aspect. I think his story (and his other story) is full of holes.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband also has a drinking problem, he drinks everyday. Not that he gets drunk everyday. When ever I ask him to slow down he brings up my smoking and says its no different. He hasn't drank since it happened because I demanded he quit. So I guess we will see how long he makes it. I bet not long though because I made him stop and that rarely works.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You can tell him that until he provides you with written proof that he's clean you won't have sex with him. But you need to worry about YOU right now. 

There is a difference between trying to force him to do certain things, and setting your own boundaries about what you will tolerate. You can't force him to quit drinking, but you can be true to yourself by refusing to remain with someone who has a drinking problem and refuses to get help. Give him a choice, not an ultimatum. He can continue drinking, but if he does you will leave (or better yet kick him out)

Please read the newbie link, especially about the 180. You really need to start doing things that will help YOU right now.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

I did read it, thank u


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Drinks. Lies. Cheated only once.

I don't get the feeling that he is remorseful. 

I think he doesn't respect you and the family.

Are you financially dependent on him?


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Yes I am totally dependant unfortunately. All I've been doing is having his babies one after another, have a 6 month old right now


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I left my lying cheating drunk first husband with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old. Walked out the door with nothing but a couple of suitcases. There is NO reason to stay with someone who treats you like that.

I was on welfare for about 6 years. Today I make a significant amount of money working full time. My current husband and I went to Hawaii this year. 

What I am saying is, you just have to decide to DO it. it is a CHOICE that you CAN make.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

I think that's part of what hurts so much, I sacrifice me time, socializing, exercising, education, working, independence and the list goes on. I do this willingly and lovingly for my family and I feel like he just takes. I have forgiven him for his lying about porn addiction I compromised on the drinking and going out to socialize without me cuz I'm always home with the kids. I have forgiven him for the times he disappears for hrs and won't answer his phone cuz he is drinking somewhere. I know marriage is work and by getting married I agreed to be there for him I just wonder where to draw the line I guess.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Sounds like you are the only one of the two of you that is married.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

That's exactly how I feel Yup!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Draw the line now. It will only get worse until you do.

You do not get over it. You learn to live with it. It's like one of those babies you made with him died. You will still have the memory until you're old and grey with or without R. You just learn to deal with it the same way.

You need to pull a 180 now before it gets worse.

You need to know that not cutting him off and starting a D will result in the situation getting worse over time. You need to end your dependance on him as much as you can.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Clued said:


> That's exactly how I feel Yup!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So what are you going to do about it?


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Well, I told him he has to quit drinking so I will give him the chance to sink or swim on that one. I will not be intimate until he can prove he is clean. I will be taking online courses, a step towards financial independence.....am i missing anything?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If he doesn't quit drinking, then what?

That is a great start  Have you looked up the 180?? THAT is the list of 'to-do's' you need to get started on.


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

I would consider getting the divorce papers ready. You can still reconcile but He needs to know you are done putting up with it.

Hopefully I am not coming off as hypocritical as I didn't do that to my WW but she is breaking her back to make it right.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> How do I get over it?


Why should you "get over it"? If you went around and banged some random dude would you tell your husband to "get over it"?


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

I keep looking for this 180 thing and I can't find it...? I read the newbie and rules. I sure appreciate all the responses. It's amazing what talking things out and getting feedback has done for me. If my husband fails to quit drinking and won't get help then I'm out. I will definitely be taking measures to set myself up better, should things come to that. Sounds like this 180 thing could help with that.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Found the 180. Now I am wondering, could being so drunk make a person cheat? I agree that he most likely wouldn't have cheated sober but, wouldn't the thought been there to some degree prior to drinking and then being drunk just made it easier....?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Clued said:


> Found the 180. Now I am wondering, could being so drunk make a person cheat? I agree that he most likely wouldn't have cheated sober but, wouldn't the thought been there to some degree prior to drinking and then being drunk just made it easier....?


Don't even go there. DON'T. Nothing 'makes' a person cheat except themselves. Being drunk doesn't excuse ANYthing. If he had killed someone, would being drunk be an excuse???

Why did the 180 make you wonder that??


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## DevastatedDad (Oct 2, 2012)

Clued said:


> Found the 180. Now I am wondering, could being so drunk make a person cheat? I agree that he most likely wouldn't have cheated sober but, wouldn't the thought been there to some degree prior to drinking and then being drunk just made it easier....?


Please do not be looking for a way to give him an out.
I have been drunk a million times and never cheated on my wife.


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Poor wording on my part sorry, no connection between 180 and my question. I agree completely that alcohol can not make a person do something they are already capable of doing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Please don't keep looking for excuses for what he did. There aren't any.

So what do you think of the 180? Pretty good list there eh? Which ones are you going to do today?


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

No more moping, I'm discouraging future talk I refuse to say I love u or touch him in any way and unfortunately my Grama had a stroke but, that has helped redirect my attention else where


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## Clued (Dec 10, 2012)

Clued said:


> Poor wording on my part sorry, no connection between 180 and my question. I agree completely that alcohol can not make a person do something they are already capable of doing.


That they AREN'T already capable of.
Gosh, my brain is a bit of a mess


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Clued said:


> Gosh, my brain is a bit of a mess


I know the feeling, believe me!

I hope your grandma is OK.

What are you doing today for yourself?


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