# tough issues with husbands kids



## preso

Don't know if I can get the info I need here on this site
but I need to find out if there are any OVER 45 YEAR olds on this site who may be able to help me with my husbands 
kids, they are 17 and 20 years old.
I am in a situation where after my hudsband and I have been working with and tolerating ( trying to be understanding)
them...even help them !!!
it has come to the place where we have to give up and shove them to the side, along with all their unrealistic expecations,
huge sense of entitlement issues, immaturity and HEAD GAMES
and I am needing help to appraoch this with them.

As much as I would like to be able to be a tactful, fair person in all this.... the many years of trying to deal with them has worn us out and now, and other issues have come into play 
as we are not only tired of them and their Bull, we just can't do it anymore as other things have taken over our time and energy
( we can no longer appease them in any way, or even try as its not only proved fruitless in doing so, we just no longer have the time or energy). 

We feel as we have been sucked in for years... have tried everything with no good results and... so tired and can no longer do this.... and this all must end right now.
Let me know if your out there, have some experience with divorce and kids like this ( immature, spoiled, manipulative kids) who are older now) and how to effectively tell them, it all stops now
without ending up having to slam them up against the wall to let them know, THIS IS IT ! No more !
thanks.

ps, about you who feel we should not push them to the side and stop dealing with them, you do not know his kids or the issues they have caused, the head games we have had endure and our personal situations so I really dont want to hear from you what terrible people we are in having to push them out of our lives.

All I want to know is how to do it so they leave peacefully and do not try to come back to bother us with their stupid bull and head games... or bother us with any of their unrealistic, delusional bull
( which they have plenty of) After many years now, they are OUT OF CHANCES, sorry to say but thats just how it is. We cannot trust them and we can no longer try, nor do we want to try.
How do we convey to them the bull stops here without going into detail and make them understand, we mean it...

Is there a way to do this without going into deep discussions with them about things they will certainly not understand ? or have to grab them by the thoats to make them pay attention and realize we mean it ??? 

as we no longer can do this and work with them....
to make it short and sweet, they have run out of chances. We give up and there is no solution but to give up. They must now just back off and we do not want to even hear their drama and other
unrealisitc demands/ games/ etc ... How do we do this without having to resort to violence? as they have not been hearing us for years despite EVERYTHING we have tried, and we have tried
more than most people would have.
If your under 40 you shouldn't even respond as you may not understand what I'm even talking about.


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## ozymandias

Gosh, I'd love to give some advice on the best way for your husband to abandon his minor children but unfortunately I'm only 34. I guess they're too big to smother with a pillow?


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## preso

ozymandias said:


> Gosh, I'd love to give some advice on the best way for your husband to abandon his minor children but unfortunately I'm only 34. I guess they're too big to smother with a pillow?


yes they are too big for the pillow.

and his children are not minors.. only one still is.. the 17 year old thinks he is as ( an adult) he lives with all the rights of an adult, minus the responsibilites.
The girl is 20, hardly a minor... and we have had long standing issues with them ( see my other posts)

You just do not have the capacity to understand this and your mind not able to grasp why things like this must happen...
( pushing them away)
sorry.. but thats not something anyone can explain to you, you just do not have the capscity to understand... ( they are like that too !!!) ........and I'm sorry but its not my issue.
With all due respect,
You maybe should not reply as I have some tough issues here and looking for actual help. 

where is sandy 55 these days?
no longer active or removed from the site?
where are all the people who used to be here?
******Note to Mods: ******
plz do not ban me that people get mad/ ugly as what we have to do.... and I have to defend myself.
Plz mail me and I will explain
and you will ( maybe ) understand why this seeming harshness 
I have is justified, although not well understood by some.
I would like to find someone to actually can help me as I ( and my husband) have some tough problems in our marriage here with his kids. We are at the end of our ropes with them !
Our help, understanding, tolerance for them has run out, period.
There is no going back, more tries or anything of that nature. We have to give up.


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## preso

There has to be someone on this site who can give me some insight on how to accomplish what we have to do. I patiently wait for you
to show yourself.

I am hoping at the best case to keep the situation from us having to get violent with these monster brats in our lives.


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## Mommybean

Why would you think violence would ever solve anything? All violence EVER does is escalate the situation. Oh yeah, I forget, i'm only 36...so no way possible I could EVER grasp what is going on in a "grownup" life.


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## preso

Mommybean said:


> Why would you think violence would ever solve anything? All violence EVER does is escalate the situation. Oh yeah, I forget, i'm only 36...so no way possible I could EVER grasp what is going on in a "grownup" life.


Because we have tried EVERYTHING ELSE, over many years and NOTHING IS WORKING. its only getting worse as they are becoming more and more the brats they are !!! I should say monsters, as that is what they are. I am not saying we want to become violent, but its heading that way.

The writing is on the wall. I'm trying to avoid it

BUT HOW ???

edit: to add only to give more insight to the situation, his kids are so self centered and ridicoulously spoiled and out of touch with any type of reality... ( due to their mother, not their father, they live with their mother who has filled their heads with nonsense)
they have never tried to know me except to harrass and blame me for not getting their way. It has proved beyond impossible to reach them. We have come to realize we cannot be honest with them as they will and have used any situation only to benefit themselves.
It has created strain on us beyond belief as the things they ask for are not even reasonable... and only totally about them.
This is why we have to let it go... as they are unreachable and have proven they may be that way for life.

No one here seems to get this...
for some reason and always sticking up for his kids...
if you knew them and what they have done and what they want, you would maybe not.
How do you get it through a spoiled, unreasonable, immature young adults head, the BULL IS OVER, no more chances and they have made a bed no one ( but their mother) can or wants to deal with... its over.. they need to get out of our lives and make it work?
so they do !


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## Sven

I've been lurking for a while and your topic has caused me to final register to the site! Oh my....the story I need to tell as an introduction...

But that's for another thread.

I'm 45, so technically I meet that "over 45" bar since my age is 45 + a few months. I've got two teenage daughters, 14 and 15. They have teenage issues, but not nearly to the level you describe.

The advice I offer then is what my parents did to my brother. Specifically, our mother had enough of his crap. She actually went out and found an apartment, put down a deposit and paid the first month's rent. Then she moved him in. That was it - he was gone, out of the house.

At one point she threatened to do the same for me, but I managed to move out under my own terms.

I don't know what you can do about the 17 year old. He's a minor and you're responsible until he's 18. Maybe just moving the 20 year old out is enough as it will split them up and send him a clear message that he is next if he doesn't shape up.


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## preso

My husband keeps up his financial responsibility with his minor child 
in a 5 star way. He has never even been late with child support or shown any ways of not being responsible for his responsibilities
to them....

his son currently refuses to see him because my husband will not take him to a concert he wants to go to.
( head games) he asked to be taken to the concert months ago, husband said no, sorry and for months due to this, refuses to see him...
he does not take well to being told NO, no matter what the circumstances are.
His daughter is the same way...

and we are so tired of it... as this goes on ALL THE TIME and been for years, now seems to be getting worse too with the demands and head games.

His daughter is also heavy on the games but hers have a different focus, as she is being kicked out by her mother and cannot afford her own place and trying to "sweet Talk" us into moving in with us
or helping her with her rent as she does not want to work full time.

We are not able to move right now. In a few years we can, but the kids will BOTH be NON-MINORS by then and the situation will ahve changed.
We cannot grasp this situation to control them right now
or their demands and must push them out of our lives, which is proving to be very hard as we are being accused of many things, like being abusive ( they think being told NO is abusive)
and we have had enough.
His daughter said she had to start therapy die to all the abuse in her life ( such a ridiculous thing, you just can't imagine as my husband is hardly abusive... but in her eyes she says he is and even has delusions of things she has seen... maybe part of her PAS, that her mother has done to her and created)

His son also has started saying I treat him "like a baby" and 
that is another reason he can't see us but the real reason is, he is mad his father won;t take him to that concert he so badly wants to go to.
the problem is, he does see us ! keeps coming back with demands and ultimatuims ! and they keep getting BIGGER and BIGGER !
Its maddening !

I can see violence coming... my husband about ready to beat the hell out of him and /or his son doing the same.
It's so tense, the potential for violence starting reeks 
from every direction.

Thanks sven.. I wish we could move... lol... we could avoid so much of this.
Good idea but unfoirtuante, won't work for us and not an option...
AND WE CAN"T AFFORD TO MOVE HER OUT OF HER MOTHERS HOUSE where she lives ( rent and responsibility free) either. My gosh, she is 20, not 8 and refuses to work full time...
so helping someone like this would be like throwing money away while driving down the freeway at 90 mph.
and we also can't afford that... OR HER and her demands ! and I cannot afford to help her
to help someone like her... she will most likely end up hurtingherself as well as others...
she is about and irresponsible and immature as they come


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## preso

I have recently had to put my husband on some personal financial matters so his name is on my bank accounts, his ex... wants more child support now... The kids will be needing new cars again.
You see they have wrecked and messed up theirs.

ugh......... how long do we have to keep suffering with his kids and ex?
I just am so tired of it.
My husband is working so much.... and he already pays an incredible amount of child support, she makes about 80-100K a year, her house is paid for... her BF has moved in and pays all the bills, yet its never enough and never ends.
and she encourages her kids to act as badly as they can, giving him demands as to their "happiness".
They have more than most people ever will if they lived 4 lifetimes... but its never enough.

There is just no way to stop thuis, we tried everything inclusding being reasonable, fair, patient for a longggggg time.
Just doesn't end, no matter what and seems to be getting worse.


Last month:
His daughter informed us that her mother told her, that he
( my husband) met me and was dating me WHILE HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO HER !!!
and he is a cheater... and yet another example of how he treated her so badly and deserves to be punished...

all this crazy stuff she believes and is not true and no matter what we say, she is fixed on her delusions, which seem to make her demands go up.

Paying for an apartment for her, the foirst month, thats funny.. as she lives with her mom in a large house, rent and bill free...
and had a fit she was now asked to pay for her car insurance. 
More so now since of all the "mishaps" they have had and on their mothers insurance has gone to 3K a month.
Still,,, she blames not them, but the fact they're cars are a few years old now for the problem...
and demands my husband help them, he won't... and this now makes him a target for all their anger.

so we have to get rid of these people from us.... but how. Hope it doesn't end up in a violent thing but we have tried everything including reasoning with them.


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## Sven

I guess I didn't understand. But then I've been accused of not listening to women.... It was my impression that the kids were living with you, otherwise how could this be such a problem?

Tell them to leave you alone - don't let them in the house, don't answer their phone calls. Stop giving them money.

Just cut off contact.


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## Sven

Actually, the correct reponse here is for me to go:

"MMM....okay"

"yes"

"I totally agree"

"Worthless rats!"

"That's a shame...."

You don't really want anyone to solve it - you just need to vent!


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## HappyHer

I just wrote a review for a book called "StepMonster", I highly recommend it. You'll see you are SO not alone in this situation.

The bottom line is you and your husband are hurting because of the kids responses to you and your efforts, and they are hurting too and acting out in a really horrible way about it.

Simply tell them you need a break and to not contact you until you are ready to contact them. Then, if they try to contact you, just repeat "Please don't contact us. We will contact you when we are ready to." and hang up, close the door, just simply do not engage in any further discussion and repeat that same sentence to them until the "get it".

Do try to get a copy of the book and read it though - it really helped me in my own role of a step parent, not quite 45, but close enough! You can read the review of it at books. Oh, this isn't an advertisement and I don't make any money from this at all, it just really helped me out a lot and feel it might help you!

When you and your husband have had an opportunity to calm down and recover from the situation a bit, perhaps you can get into counseling to work through some left over hurts with the idea of maybe bringing the kids into the counseling as well - or not, as you are able to fully resolve what you would really like to accomplish.


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## preso

HappyHer said:


> Simply tell them you need a break and to not contact you until you are ready to contact them. Then, if they try to contact you, just repeat "Please don't contact us. We will contact you when we are ready to." and hang up, close the door, just simply do not engage in any further discussion and repeat that same sentence to them until the "get it".
> 
> .


We did that months ago...
his daughter had to go into therapy she said due the abuse 
( she was told NO and in her eyes, that is abuse) and insisited she come over, be in touch, contact etc etc.....
We 
gave into it last month, thinking she would see we dont do much here, no parties, no people in and out...
we did not go to any trouble to feed her something fancy or at least very nice and good ( like we usually would have) and she acted nice but...
always her issues... and she has many... maybe all pipedreams
( big crazy ones)
or a way of hinting she wants us to pay for all that.

There are so many head games, my husband and I are at the breaking point. Like how she told us she knows my husband her father cheated on her mother, etc etc... ( all nonsense put in her head by her mother)
so... we did do that and it made no difference. She constantly emails and calls about having to resort to therapy due to all this abuse and unfairness. 
She seems to be UNABLE to come out of her own world.... and no one else matters, no matter what. Her world is delusional, all told to her by her mother as to whats going on and his daughter truely believes it and that her mother is a good person who loves her and being hnest with her and trying to help her
by telling her lies, things she (* daughter) does not know are lies...
so we tried that, thanks,... seeemingly good idea but it didn't work.

so... 
am I left with grabbing her by the throat to make what I say
*** REAL** for her?
is this what its going to come to?
( crying) as she is a big girl and may beat me up !!!


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## preso

HappyHer said:


> Do try to get a copy of the book and read it though - it really helped me in my own role of a step parent, not quite 45, but close enough! You can read the review of it at .


I am done reading about ways to help her and work through this with her.
My husband told her, she is not the center of the universe and she told him

" I COME FIRST" and had a rather big, loud fit in doing so, calling me many nasty things and making threats to me.
As she finds it easier to attack me than him... as she does not really know me and knows her father will have more patience with her than I will, but even he is done with that now.

I dont want any such role, I have come to despise the thought of her and at this point wish she would get lost. same for his lazy son.

am I going to have to call the police on her? and start with all that? OMG I hope not... this is too much drama for us !


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## preso

Thanks for all the suggestions so far, plz keep trying to think
how we can make his kids and ex leave us alone... and NOT 
try to make trouble for us...

There has to be a way !

Even our parents/ in laws have tried... no use.
The onky thing not tried yet is for me to ONE AND ONE on her
and afraid of doing that
as she has no IDEA who I am or how strong I am... and how I could 
screwe her up for life if she messes with me...
on som many levels that since I can't stand her... I dont think I could stop and think about her feelings any more and 
she may end up bad... as she is so mentally weak and immature.
I could damage her for life because 
she just does not know me...
and I'm nothing like her and I DO understand her and will not let her bulldoze me or my husband anymore.
In other words
I could make her cry.... bad.
In ways she may never recover from...

maybe what she needs?
dont know.

do I need to go one on one with her?
Afraid of that as I have come to where I dont care about her feelings anymore.

This is all one big game to them ( his ex, his kids) and she intends on winning with the rules and game in her head. What do I need to do?
I would so much like suggestions, as I can think of no other ways to deal with his kids....

we are exhausted !

I know I sound cruel, but lets prentend maybe
it really isn't me and get ideas from that mindset... 
OK ?

I have heard enough about how I am so awful andevil/ bad and really quite tired of it.
Help me get these brats out of my life somehow. Not just me but my husbands life so they go quick, peacefully and dont come back.
There is nothing we can do for them anyway.. they are not looking for a relationship from either of us... just an opportunity, maybe to take advantage, much as their histories say they tend to do

I have resorted to tranquilers in anticipation of seeing her Thanksgiving. Even despite being told, maybe not a good idea, she forges ahead with her plans.
Even with the pills............ she still makes me so freaking mad...
just the thought of his kids makes my blood boil
I could maybe not controll myself any longer with her BS. I have never treated his kids badly, quite the opposite, mayeb
I should change my ways?
I am out of ideas... so tired of all this.


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## Leahdorus

What part of no contact is unclear? Do not answer their calls. Screen your calls - get Caller ID if you don't have it. Do not answer the door if they appear on the doorstep. Change the locks if they have keys. Do not have them over for Thanksgiving if it's going to be that stressful.

You keep saying "we" - is your husband 100% with you on this, or is it that YOU are not able to deal with them? They are his kids - he probably loves them even with all their bad behavior. 

People can only take advantage of you if you let them. Do not let them do this, and cutting off contact is one way to try.

Hope your venting is helping you.


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## HappyHer

Well, there you go. You gave into her. This time - don't. Change your email and phone numbers if you have to and want to make this break so bad. Call the police if they show up at your house and won't leave, change the locks if they have keys. The bottom line is, you can't change other people, but you can change yourself. You can remove yourself from the situation and remain firm with them to go away without giving in to continued disagreements with them. I strongly suggest counseling though, with just you and your husband or just yourself, even if they are out of the picture, there is obviously a lot of deep seated feelings that could use some relief.


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## preso

I think I have lost my mind because I'm thinking to contact her, meet her in a private place and threaten her if she makes further contact. My husband and I are just under too much stress...........
he is even more senstive to drama than I am.

so maybe this needs? to be between me and the daughter?
what do you think?

thankfully I do not know her cell phone number because today I think I'm at my last straw.

we have already had to call the police on her mother 3x...
because she ( the daughter) is young, we did not ever call the police on her and I really don't want to resort to that.

ugh..........
Maybe thats what we need, me and his daughter, good old fashioned fist fight ?
of course she will kick my a&& but at least I'll get in a few good licks
and she will actually have reason to fear coming obver or WORSE, coming over with drama ( the only thing she knows and is about)


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## preso

HappyHer said:


> I strongly suggest counseling though, with just you and your husband or just yourself, even if they are out of the picture, there is obviously a lot of deep seated feelings that could use some relief.



The time and chance for that is no longer an option...

but his daughter has started counseling, due to her issues with her BF's. not us.........
as she can't get along with anyone... and blames her father because she says she is a victim of years of his abuse and blames all her issues on him.

My husband is not abusive, he is a good man, period and never abused his daughter or his ex.
There is no truth to her beleifs, they are delusions placed in her head by her mother, as a way for her mother to keep hurting my husband, through his kids.

I don't even care to deal with his daughters issues, they are RIDICULOUSLY based in fantasy land. 
We saw some of the counseleros topics with her 
quite by accident and his daughter is even lying to the counselor ! 
I do not care to even try since she is a lair.. even in her pwn personal therapy !!!!! hahahahhahahahaahhahahahaha !
The time for all that passed... as she was given that opportunity at one time and refused... so now she goes through her mothers place of employement for counseling for her boyfrirend issues, which she blames on her father.

Its all just so freaking stupid. I think I would rather just ***** slap her as at least one of us will feel better. me for once.


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## preso

Leahdorus said:


> Hope your venting is helping you.


yes it is... thanks for not banning me for once
because my situation is not typical and I have strong feelinsg of dislike for my stepkids.
Maybe if you were in my shoes, you would be even less able to cope with his kids.

I am starting to see
its me who has to go one on one with her...
despite the fact she has no control overself or emotions, easily angered
and so immature... Its me who has to tell her
as she has never even once heard me tell her what I think
and what I can do ( to make her life living hell if she and her borther, mother keep up)

she will be shocked. She has NO IDEA of the strong, sdmart capable woman I am.. haha
in other words I am not at all like her mother !!!
and it may end this all.... I'm trying to find a way to contact her now, but 
unable.
Not going to tell my husband.... but it looks like its going to have to be just me and her.
His son is lazy and slow, single minded, only on his material possessions and it would not be the way to deal with him but I am thinking it is with his daughter as she is not slow or pretends to be... she is just silly and acts like a 12 year old.

excuse typos, they are xanax induced.


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## Sven

What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?

Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.

You need help, ma'am. Please find a professional, or talk to somebody at church.


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## preso

Sven said:


> What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?
> 
> Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.


I have been thinking about what to say to her and it will start like this.

U know your father has been nothing but good to you. All your abuse issues are fantasies.. and your not fooling us.
and you should know we are not going to be able to carry on as is...
as you have had every opportunity to grow up and stop blaming US for your issues, Grow up and get a job... move on with your life. There will be no further notices and I beg you to leave us alone... you are nothing but problems to us as your expectations are so out of touch with reality, you should seek mental health help and stick with it ONLY START BEING TRUTHFUL for once in your life because your issues go far deeper than you realize.

I will do my best to hold back any other thoughts
to mock and be critical of her... unless she asks for them...
then she is going to get a dose of reality that will no doubt make her cry as she does not know me
or realize what she has done
or how it will effect her future......... as I am someone who could have blessed her life in untold and incredible ways...
ways which she has proved she does not desrve but more imprtantly, is too immature to have and does not deserve.

I am really going to try to be brief and to the point and beg her to disappear, grow up and at least go to work full time... as well as stop lying to the therapist so she can actually benefit from the therapy she goes to.
Then I will pretend it never happened, never tell my husband.. and if she keeps making demands...
all I can say is she was warned !!!!
I will start calling pilice on her and do everything in my power to know....

she is not going to win this war.
matter of fact, she may not even begin to concieve the trouble I can make for her... and she may end up
in jail.

When ... I should say if... she ever grows up...
she is going to be crying how she treated me... its like she kicked an angel in the ass.
Don't mean to be so graphic, but thats about what she has done.
excuse my xanax typos.
yes I am an angel
someone who could have done inctredible things for her on so many levels... but as things are, no matter how hard we tried, we could not even find the door open for her, as her door has so many STUPID demands, it isn't even a door .. more like a quicjksanbd trap...

She, her mother and brother can't even begin to realize how sorry they are going to be...

people like me are fewer than one in a billion
( not stuck up, just being real)... they are going to be singing the blues.... 
too bad for them. They have just proven they do not deserve anything from us anymore.
and we are also sick of trying.


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## swedish

I am 46 but you still may not like my opinion 

I understand your need to vent and I'm glad it's helping you. You seem over the top frustrated at this point and I'm wondering if you are feeling personally threatened as of late. 

In other words if these were someone else's kids and you heard about them you might have the same opinion about them, but not feel so compelled to take action? Is it to the point now where they have become a threat to your marriage? Your financial stability? Something else?

*His daughter:* She is an adult so there is no legal obligation to do anything unless she is a full-time student and your husband's divorce agreement includes payment for college, etc. until she finishes. 

Arranging a meeting behind your husband's back sounds like a bad plan all around, especially with your current anger towards her. This will likely force future obligations to see her if things get physical and police are involved.

*His son: *Since your husband is fulfilling his child support obligations and his son is reluctant to see him when he doesn't get his way, your husband is doing what he should be at this point. 

My kids are teens and would rather spend all weekends with me (where they have their own room and friends, etc.) but I don't back down on visitation as I feel it's important they are part of both of their parents' lives. The only exceptions are agreed upon by my ex and I and involve 'special' days, school dances, homecoming, etc. where we may switch weekends around.

It's unfortunate your husband's ex fails to see the harm she causes by encouraging them to be upset with their dad.

I think the disturbing factor here is that you alluded to the possibility that his son may be delayed. I am sure it is hard enough for him having 'friends' call him dumbass...he could probably really use a good mentor, father figure to guide him and encourage him to pursue something that will suit him in the future. He probably gets looked down on enough already so 'I guess you could be a garbage man' probably won't help him any to hear.

It is very unfortunate your husband's ex tries to hurt your husband with the negative talk...in the end, it will (and has) hurt the kids more than anyone else...my ex did this with my eldest...trust me, I get how frustrating it can be.

*his ex: * If you talk to anyone at all, I would think it should be her. If I were accused of having an affair with a married man and it were completely false I would be inclined to send her an email letting her know that you will not put up with her libel/slander and that it is unfortunate she would resort to this as in addition to being completely false is hurting her own children and their relationship with their father in the process.
What a ding-dong she is...

*Your husband:* When you said it is affecting him a lot more than you, my first thought was "I'm sure it is"....these are his children and although you may not like their behavior, it is hard not to feel responsibility, guilt, hurt, frustration when their choices, behavior are not what you planned when you held those babies in your arms....

my parents did the tough love thing with my brother when he was 19 and in his own fantasy world...they totally cut him off...he had to quit university (he was close to failing out anyway and told my parents he was transferring to a University in Florida...on their dime of course...lol) He did go, but got a full time job digging ditches for gas/water lines....in the Florida heat...until he could apply as an in-state student....got loans and graduated with straight A's...accepted to a prestigious medical school and a very successful surgeon with a private practice now....tough love, but never give up on your kids....

My son also wanted to tell me how to spend my hard earned income on him and not follow the rules of our home...his dad took him in immediately and within a few months kicked him out for the same reasons....now he works full-time in a warehouse and has his own apartment....I do pay 1/2 his rent but said it's for 1 year only to get him on his feet...he is now looking into full-time university in the fall, student loans and asked me to review an admissions letter he drafted....I will support him/help him but only if he takes the initiative to help himself...he needed to learn by doing...that he wants more than a 'job'...he wants a career that he loves...

I don't know where your husband is at with all of this, but just because they are being immature brats doesn't mean he's no longer their father....I do agree that he should not give in to their ridiculous demands...but instead of totally shutting them out, I think he could just be very consistent with his guidance. There are many things young adults need that are free....how to set up a budget...ie....if you get a full-time job here at $12 an hour...car/rent/utilities/etc....here's what you could afford...advice on credit cards....get them if you can to establish credit...only use them for $20 a month or so to be sure you can pay them off each month so you will establish good credit.

To cut them off will only make them worse and feel abandoned (which they should feel if their own parent won't speak to them)...I know it will make you feel better but the long term affects on your husband and his kids will likely rear its ugly head at some point.


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## preso

sweedish

They are not capable or willing to do what we ask.
I read your posts and you have many good ideas and in an ideal world, they would make sense.

talk to his ex? sorry not possible.
thanks for not banning me again becvause I have such strong feelings so many do not agree with.

For husbands kids to come over they have to do.... lets just say "things" ( sOme things about along the lines of taking off their shoes before coming in the house, those kind of things)and they get bad attitudes about it...
but they do not realize... the world does not reveolve around them. They have been given every opportunity and have so much, we cannot help they have abused it and done ntohing but become the monster brats they are.
If I am unable to see his daughter before thanksgiving, alone....
on Thanksgiving she will not be given the option to enter our home
if she does not DO WHAT WE SAY and tell her to do.
No more games or BS... it's our way or get lost.


I am so upset today, you just can't imagine.
They are old enough to start growing up and my one goal in life is to be able to retire with my husband. I have to do everything in my power to make that happen.
Their cell phones and other nonsense do not make a bit of difference and I don't even want ot have to listen to their long list of demands and expectations.
They make me sick. Literally ! I ahve prayed for this situation for many years.. hoping it would get better... I have tolerated his kids abuse of me, when I have done nothing to deserve it... I have done more than most people would have...
now I pray for me not to beat the living hell out of them.
I have had it ( so has my husband).


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## Chris H.

Just for the record, I do most of the banning around here so don't blame the mods. I am "under 45," and very swift and decisive, so stay on good behavior Preso!

Hope this works out for you.


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## preso

Sweedish..About his son being delayed... he "is" lazy, barely passes each grade and already failed once. He has no reason to try, as his mother has rewarded his laziness with EXPENSIVE material goods, as long as he has agreeed to screw with me and his father.
He is a victim of Pas ( parental alienation syndrome) and there is nothing we can do about it as we have tried, he is too pewrsuded and influenced by the material aspects and on his mothers side now...
he is in fact worse than I'm even saying... he is not only slow but lazy. Not to be harsh just tellingh it like it is.

I never even heards of a custodial mother buying a new car for a kid who is failing school... 
but she did...
and it even goes deeper than that.
He is in fact worse than I can even write here.... and so are they all.
The inlaws are just blown away... nobody can reach his kids, nobody.
Not to be rude but we no longer care about their feelings as they do not care about ours.
This has been a long ( years) standing problem, we give and give and they give nothing back. 
Their time has run out.


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## preso

Sven said:


> What are you going to do, hit her? Does it even occur to you how amazingly stupid it would be to do that?
> 
> Right now I'm wondering why I'm reading this from you when I don't even put up with psychotic fits from my own wife.
> 
> You need help, ma'am. Please find a professional, or talk to somebody at church.



I did seek help... my doc gave me xanax.
Going to therapy over them ... is just not worth it...
nothing we can do because they are as they are.

We have no choices that are good... and no longer care about their feelings as this has been going on long time. We are tired.

I have no mental health problems, trust me.. I've been checked !!!
and was even told to boot them out on their asses, not worry about their feelings... I was told to be rough and tough on them
haha...
most people could not have stood them after one week, yet we tried for years to help and make this right !
maybe something we should have done sooner.... 
body slams and things like that. Maybe we are too nice 
tried too hard and had hope where we shouldn't have.


I just talked to the doctor again, who gave me the xanax...
who said I should take more... they are calling in more for me.
and
I am planning to see his daughter tonight... if I possibly can. Already drove by the house to see if she was there, which she wasn't.

I am going to do this different thhis time and let her think she has won me over to her stupidity...
meet under fasle pretenses and give it to her... she needs to move on and get out of our lives.

As afr as his son, that is for another day... but its not going to me much longer, his day is coming and he will get the same 
straight talk. No more games kiddies... we have had quite enough will be the message.


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## Sven

preso said:


> I am planning to see his daughter tonight...


Why? Much better posters than I have specifically said "No Contact". That's very clear.


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## preso

well I met her, discussed things with her
and she is more clueless than I anticipated. Her world does not involkve any sort of reality or maturity.
It's all about her.

It is truely unbelievable. i almost kinda feel sorry for her but told her she has no idea of what she has done.


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## MEM2020

Preso,
I fit the bill in 3 ways:
- 46 years old
- have a daughter who is 19 and very very difficult and demanding and
- we have resolved this fairly well

Our daughter asked for many of the same things. 

Why is it that you and he simply don't immediately end any conversation with them when they ask for money/stuff?

Why don't you tell them they are not welcome at the house until they accept that it is not longer allowed to come over and ask for stuff. If they violate that rule firmly ask them to leave and tell them you will call the police and have them forcibly removed otherwise. 

Why do you mention violence so often? If your husband hits either of them they might take a LOT of money from you in a civil suit. Violence is great for the person with zero assets and a HUGE risk for the person with assets and a good income. 









preso said:


> I have recently had to put my husband on some personal financial matters so his name is on my bank accounts, his ex... wants more child support now... The kids will be needing new cars again.
> You see they have wrecked and messed up theirs.
> 
> ugh......... how long do we have to keep suffering with his kids and ex?
> I just am so tired of it.
> My husband is working so much.... and he already pays an incredible amount of child support, she makes about 80-100K a year, her house is paid for... her BF has moved in and pays all the bills, yet its never enough and never ends.
> and she encourages her kids to act as badly as they can, giving him demands as to their "happiness".
> They have more than most people ever will if they lived 4 lifetimes... but its never enough.
> 
> There is just no way to stop thuis, we tried everything inclusding being reasonable, fair, patient for a longggggg time.
> Just doesn't end, no matter what and seems to be getting worse.
> 
> 
> Last month:
> His daughter informed us that her mother told her, that he
> ( my husband) met me and was dating me WHILE HE WAS STILL MARRIED TO HER !!!
> and he is a cheater... and yet another example of how he treated her so badly and deserves to be punished...
> 
> all this crazy stuff she believes and is not true and no matter what we say, she is fixed on her delusions, which seem to make her demands go up.
> 
> Paying for an apartment for her, the foirst month, thats funny.. as she lives with her mom in a large house, rent and bill free...
> and had a fit she was now asked to pay for her car insurance.
> More so now since of all the "mishaps" they have had and on their mothers insurance has gone to 3K a month.
> Still,,, she blames not them, but the fact they're cars are a few years old now for the problem...
> and demands my husband help them, he won't... and this now makes him a target for all their anger.
> 
> so we have to get rid of these people from us.... but how. Hope it doesn't end up in a violent thing but we have tried everything including reasoning with them.


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## preso

ok well.. big serious talks today and we have come to a resolve, although I'm not happy with it, everyone else is, mostly... husband is not 100% happy either about it ( as I have conditions and boundries
with the plan we have decided to take)
He will not see them in our home anymore. I ask he does not talk about them either and keep his issues with them to himself as I no longer can deal with them.
Thanks for all your help, for those that did...

I am very releieved and did some things I should have done a long time ago and get in touch with his daughter and talk to her myself, which he is not happy about,,,,, but I did
and now I understand 
EVERYTHING much better.


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## preso

MEM11363 said:


> Why don't you tell them they are not welcome at the house until they accept that it is not longer allowed to come over and ask for stuff. If they violate that rule firmly ask them to leave and tell them you will call the police and have them forcibly removed otherwise.
> 
> Why do you mention violence so often? If your husband hits either of them they might take a LOT of money from you in a civil suit. Violence is great for the person with zero assets and a HUGE risk for the person with assets and a good income.


mem, to answer your questions...

We did tell them about coming over and not to unless they can be respectful.... so they did not come over... until he dropped his daughters health insurance. Then in 2 weeks she wanted to be respectful... and we have had her come over a few times since. It is a very uncomfortable thing for me ( can't speak for my husband) because I know her intentions are not out of good or even wanting to see her father.

Violence... I just feel it coming, thats all.
We resolved this now
They will not be coming over the house, he will see them outside our home and I am asking him not to bring their lives
into the house, for my sake.
I can only hope that is going to work.

I do not want to see or hear about them again, under no circumstances, period.
He says he really has little time because of all the hours he works but he will ( upsettingly) not bring them or their issues into the home.


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## preso

My husband was quite pleased I talked to her the things I told her had to come from a woman. He said he is amamzed I did this and why, how good it was to do.... after telling him what we talked about.
He said he wishes I told him and was there but it was all for the best he wasn't.. as she was trapped with me alone...
and unable to manipulate me or the conversation.
She
is not used to that... or someone as down to earth and real as I am.
I am nothing like her mother... and someone she has never known.
It was quite shocking to her I'm sure but someone had to do it in a way she could not manipulate or control.

I feel much better. so does husband... as for her, I'mn thinking she is quite unhappy and maybe somewhat in shock.
*too bad *
time she starts growing up.

Her eye rolling , constant attempts to change the subject, her lies.... all not tolerated. She got so mad I'm sure but never raised her voice and neither did I.
It ended with her telling me she was a grown up, could be trusted and not a liar... which is when I tried one her eye rolls out...
on her.
lol


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## Bigsigh

I dunno....this whole thing seems too weird for me. Where in the world is the adult here??? Where is the love? Where is someone showing the way without the ego "ME" being involved?? I'm sorry, I just don't get how opening up a can of empathy to someone who is lost can't help but bring down the walls between you....


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## preso

Bigsigh said:


> I dunno....this whole thing seems too weird for me. Where in the world is the adult here??? Where is the love? Where is someone showing the way without the ego "ME" being involved?? I'm sorry, I just don't get how opening up a can of empathy to someone who is lost can't help but bring down the walls between you....




We, all 3 are adults and we have waited a very long time for some sign or love from her, we bent over backwords and this has gone on for years.
Due to circumstances and the fact she has only gotten much worse giving her all this time, patience, did everything in our power, we see it is not good for her development to be kind, patient and thoughtful.
Its may just be her personality ? as she has some undiagnosed emotional problems that are far, far beyong anyones ability to help, except maybe a psychitrist, all things she must seek on her own.
As she seems to me to be psychotic ( meaning, out of touch with reality)
I do not think she is capable to anything that has no "ME" 
( meaning her ) involved... and we realize through many years she will take advantage if there is any possible way for her to do so, without it even bothering her one bit as her lies, blaming.. the way she processes and responds to information 
is scewed, always to her being a victim and innocent off all wrong doing.
She will just have to seek help on her own, when she hits rock bottom ....I guess that'll be
when her world and all her personal relationships, jobs, etc... fail and she SEEKS to help herself. It could be that won't even happen in the next 10 years, maybe not even 20 years ! Maybe not ever.

She just will not be fair and it always turns out she will take any situation at all and try to use it or abuse it for personal reasons as some type of personal assistance to her and to help her mother get any and all revenege on my husband, for reasons they believe they are justified in, all based on non truths and unrealisitc demands they have placed upon him)

For instance, when she has come over, she snoops...
( 2 years ago I had to put locks on all the cabinet doors)

but she still seems to find ways to find stuff thats none of her business... 
she still finds and sees things that she think will help her mother do things ( raise child suport, justified reason to punish her ex, etc) 
because her mother has told the kids, she was wronged by her exhusband and he has wronged them too...
and she tells her other what she thinks she sees.... gets her mother riled up and her mother comes over beating on the door ( usually after several drinks) making demands on things she thinks are happening 
( according to the conclusions she has made on the info she has- usally nothing to do with reality) 
sometimes she has even asked us to tell her WHY we ______________ ( etc etc, fill in the blank, but it is any number of assumtions she has made based on what her daughter has seen or thought she ssaw or experinced or thinks is happening) like would be any of her business, as a way to try to scare, and intimdate us into telling her about our personal life, like she is OUR MOTHER ! hahahah

We have to call the police on her mother... few times...
then when we ask his daughter why she went telling stores, his daughter says she had no part of it... that her mother got the idea herself and she did not influence her or tell her anything and that she can't control her mothers actions, even saying maybe she fogot to hang up her cell phone and her mother evesdropped ( by accident) overheard something.......... as she never said or did anything to make trouble, tell her mother anything and she did not say or lie about anything, she swearrrrrrrrrrrrs she is telling the truth.
Then she cries and says she is being picked on and treated unfairly by my husband and I.

That is just one example, and there are hundreds more.

Another more recent issue was she saw some bills and insurance claims/ forms ( mostly not even filled out) she thought were our bank account, daughter just likes to make trouble I think.
Now we are being taken back to court as his ex wants to know why he can't pay more child support ( he already pays quite a bit, and pays just has he was ordered to by the court, in full and on time, never even been late) so, more bull... wasting our time
again... with nonsense
and we will have to go to court.
We have some problems with this ONLY IN THE FACT we want CERTAIN aspect of our lives PRIVATE from his ex
and because of having to go back to court, they may come out and I do not want his ex to be privledged to my personal information
because its none of her business. Not to mention the stress it causes us
as well as waste time we really dont have to waste on such nonsense.

I told his daughter that she is maybe too immature/ selfish / ability to process info is wayyyyyy off
and she said
" I dont care what YOUR problems are but whats MY FATHERS is OURS, NOT YOURS, I don't care what your problems are, if my father has something he should share with us, we are his kids. We come first"
I told her that there is much she does not understand and also that she is not a kid anymore but an adult.

Nothing goes through to her... nothing.... and she is just all about herself and what she can get or take advantgae of.

so....... its proved to be impossible to deal with
and those are only 2 situations out of 5 years of dealing with her.

My husband actually does not have much time to spend with her anyway, and he cannot really afford to take her to the places she wants to go, does not enjoy what she does and she gets mad at him and acts badly ( crying, getting hyterical, etc. and head games, evil stares... she told me in private she was someone with a very IQ and not to even think of playing games wirh her.... and I am someone who doesn't even play head games !! with anyone !!!) if she can't be taken to where she wants to go and do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it....
not to mention she also wants my husband to not only entertain her in the way she likes, but wants him to also alloow her friends to come along and he pay for them all....

so............ he won't get to see her much. When he does it will be when he has time, and he will choose the place and time...
and no treating her, much less her friends.... Not to mention can't deal with the stress of her anymore.
This is the bed she made, she is an adult and guess she has to not only lie in it... but learn lifes lessons the hard way.

too bad for her. But she has taken her path. 
and we have taken ours. 

____________________________________

Biggfish all I can tell you is we had cases ( not a can but cases of cans) of empathy and it only made her worse. They are all gone now.
Love does NOT conquer all, sometimes you just have to turn your back and walk away.
I even tried to tell her the facts, to explain things to her as they really are........then instead of wanting to discuss the facts, and put things straight and open....... she changed the subject each time she didn't like what she was hearing, she even accused ME OF BEING A LAIR !!!!!
and then even started a line of question of me ... trying to question me as to when I met her father, telling me she "KNOWS" he was seeing me while he was still married to her mother ! ( not true)
and it proved not only impossible but made me come home and cry in sheer frustration.

We give up. I am saddened by this and angry too...
so much lost sleep and unpleasentness. Such a waste of my time and so much stress to our marriage and private lives.
It makes me sick to think about.


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